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Monday, 13 June 2016

Dirty Deeds

The surgery went well. Gideon and I are now back in the room and he's sleeping comfortably.

Maybe it was the stress of waiting room, but when I saw him in the post op room, the reality of it all really hit me. Two small white boxes sat on the crib with him labeled brightly, containing what I assumed were additional parts I would need to feed him with. Gideon looked tired and small. I felt nervous to pick him up, like his insides would fall out the moment he was cradled. The nurse showed me his new addition and I couldn't help but cry a little. My nose dripped as I tried to hide my emotions. I dabbed it on my shirt cuff. As I held Gideon in my arms I thought- What the hell have I just done? Did we need to do this? Couldn't I have just tried a little harder? I was flooded with regret, remorse over allowing this invasive procedure. How could I let someone put this dis-morphing, disfiguring, "thing" in my son? What have I gotten us into?

I sang to him. My voice soothed him as he drifted in and out of the anesthetic and his stats seemed to even out, with only the occasional alarm to advert my eyes to the monitor. I kissed his head and cradled him close and cried only on the inside as the nurse called the transporter to bring us back to our room. The anesthetist warned us that fluid could accumulate in his lungs. The anesthetic is harder on him than before because of his history of repeated pneumonias. I will have to be diligent with the chest physio.

After a short chat with the dietitian and little food on the stomach, I feel more level headed. The nurse just gave him some medication via the G tube, so I guess it's been christened. I think it will take some time to adjust to this new chapter -A learning curve of some sorts. I already miss that smooth little belly that I would kiss and tickle; the raspberries that would make him laugh will have to now be a little askew. The rational me is confident that we have chosen the right path. The emotional me still feels a lump in her throat.