Captain Obvious’s Headline of the Day

Photo of the Day

During yesterday’s game against the Toronto Maple Leafs, the Dallas Stars took a moment to honor its northern guest’s most famous and avid fan on the Jumbotron (Dallas later won 7-1):

Daily Roundup

Token Republican — Governor Perry basically won the 2016 presidential primary youth vote Thursday when he announced that he not only defends Colorado and Washington’s right to legalize marijuana, but supports decriminalization here in the Lone Star State. This, according to, well, numerous news outlets. Granted, Perry made the statements far away, at the World Economic Summit in Davos, Switzerland, but they’re so clear-cut and rational that they’re sure to keep marijuana supporters buzzed for weeks. Certainly the national press. As wonderful as it sounds to Willie Nelsons throughout the state, they are advised to continue smoking stealthily: Texas arrests more people for marijuana use than almost any other state (the Midland sheriff has said he’ll continue busting stoners). And, remember, Perry’s mostly about Tenth Amendment rights. So the overly paranoid could perceive the statements as a Trojan doobie for the state legislature to pass even more draconian drug laws.

Gay (Lawsuit) Parade — A San Antonio judge has denied Attorney General Abbott’s request to lump the state’s three similar gay marriage lawsuits into one litigious suit. “Abbott had argued that failure to consolidate the cases could result in inconsistent judgments if the Austin and San Antonio courts issue conflicting decisions,” according to the Austin American-Statesman. U.S. District Judge Orlando Garcia, however, ruled that all three presiding judges are “equally capable and equipped to handle these cases.” The efficient lawsuit planner also said that if one case is decided and appealed first, the others can remain pending, thus truly preventing inconsistent judgments. In other words, it’s gonna be a looooong time before Texas has any movement in the gay marriage rulings.

Bike Pigeon — Good news for Lance Armstrong: he could see his ban from professional cycling reduced! The bad news: his efforts would only make him more unpopular. Because nobody likes a snitch. The new president of the UCI said Armstrong’s ban could be lessened (it’s a lifetime one, so that’s not saying a whole heck of a lot), “if he provides information which assists any investigation ” into the “history of doping in professional cycling and … allegations the UCI conspired to cover up doping activity,” according to the AP. It’s a real prisoner’s dilemma for Armstrong, and the UCI president certainly sounds like a wily detective in the interrogation room, saying, ““It all depends on what information Lance has and what he’s able to reveal.” Lie-Strong?

Scientology in Texas — Lord Xenu, intergalactic dictator, is coming. Or rather, Scientology’s leader David Miscavige will be making an appearance soon, thanks to an decree order from a New Braunfels judge. Like most everything in Scientology, the case itself is bizarre and a bit confusing. It involves a woman’s lawsuit, charging the group (of which Miscavige is named a defendant) with “aggressive harassment” by the church’s special-ops unit (the “Squirrel Busters”), according to the San Antonio Express-News. The woman’s husband is a former first lieutenant in Scientology, who not only left but began speaking out against the church (hence the efforts of the Squirrel Busters). The lawsuit claims that “Miscavige was behind the [harassment] campaign [and[ has emerged as the central figure in the fight.” Things got a little testy in the courtroom with both sides arguing that the other is the one that’s been obfuscating, misleading and generally uncooperative. All fairly normal, until you start talking about Dianetics, e-meters, Squirrel Busters, and the like. So unless you’re on a Purification Rundown, go grab some popcorn for this showdown.

Welcome, Y’all— You’re not imagining the cramped conditions in what used to be wide-open country: “Texas led the nation in domestic movers last year,” according to the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, “recording a net gain of 113,528 residents.” The figures come from the U.S. Census Bureau, so you know they’re legit. Texas also had the “largest total population gain … an increase of just over 1.3 million since the April 2010 Census.” The population boom follows continuing trends of people moving away from the Northeast and Midwest to the West and South. (Florida was number two for movers, followed by North Carolina and Colorado). And what’s the forecast, according to one Rice University professor and former director of the U.S. Census Bureau? “It’s not really slowing down.”