March 12, 2012

The Good Stuff: A Bill of Rights for Today's Busy Citizen

Hey there folks! I’m Morty the Mouse, and I’m here to introduce you to the brand new Bill of Rights! Your friends here in Washington realized that our Founding Fathers, as smart as they were, wrote the Constitution with some funny words that can be hard for regular folks like you and me to understand. So, in the spirit of projects like The Message—a version of the Bible written for hip youth—we decided to rewrite the Bill of Rights in language we can all enjoy. Now, just so you know, we didn’t change any of the meaning—no sir, this is exactly what the Founders meant to say—we just made it a little clearer. We hope you enjoy!

The Good Stuff: A Bill of Rights for Today’s Busy Citizen

1st Amendment

Confusing Old Stuff:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

The Good Stuff:

Congress won’t make any religion the official religion of the US, but we all know that unofficially, Christianity is the official religion and political rhetoric and public celebrations will all reflect this. Everyone has the right to speak in non-terroristy, ways as long as the government can listen in, receive information from center-left and center-right news outlets, and gather in shopping plazas for commerce, or in free speech cages during brief state-approved and scheduled demonstrations.

2nd Amendment

Confusing Old Stuff:

A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

The Good Stuff:

The people have a right to arms and legs. You can have guns too, but definitely not the kind that the government gets. We’ll still keep the rocket-firing drones and attack helicopters, tear gas, and experimental black budget stuff you’ll never hear about.

3rd Amendment

Confusing Old Stuff:

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

The Good Stuff:

We won’t put soldiers in your house. We may kick you out and bulldoze it to build a stadium, or a Wal Mart, or even a new military base if we want to, though.

4th Amendment

Confusing Old Stuff:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

The Good Stuff:

We probably won’t search your house or put a tracking device on your car without a warrant, or if we do, we’ll maybe apologize or take it off when a judge tells us to. You’re still using that cell phone though, right? And Facebook, and Gmail? Great, then probably no searches of your property without a warrant. Unless you want to get on an airplane or into a stadium or onto government property. Or if you say anything terroristy. Then all bets are off.

5th Amendment

Confusing Old Stuff:

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use without just compensation.

The Good Stuff:

Nobody will be put in prison or killed without the government following some kind of process. What kind of process? Hey there buddy, you’re sounding mighty terroristy there. Just rest assured that we have experts, panels of experts and we guarantee that only people approved by that panel (that panel of experts, I want to stress) will be killed. We guarantee people won’t be killed all willy nilly.

6th Amendment

Confusing Old Stuff:

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

The Good Stuff:

As long as you get a trial, it’ll be speedy and public. All the evidence might be private, double top secret, but the trial will be covered in some fashion by that good ol’ center-left and center-right media. If we think you’re really dangerous but don’t have enough evidence to prove it, though, then we might just hold you in jail without a trial. And that wouldn’t be public because, you know, it’s not a trial.

7th Amendment

Confusing Old Stuff:

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law.

The Good Stuff:

As long as we’re giving you a trial, there will be a jury. Unless we don’t, in which case we’ll still give you a process.

8th Amendment

Confusing Old Stuff:

The Good Stuff:

Here in God’s favorite country the US of A, you will not be tortured. We may take you right up to the line, but we won’t cross it. If we do want to torture you, we’ll ship you to some other country and pay them to do it.

9th Amendment

Confusing Old Stuff:

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

The Good Stuff:

Just because this document has outlined some things we can do to you, doesn’t mean there aren’t other things we could do to you.

10th Amendment

Confusing Old Stuff:

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

The Good Stuff:

States have rights and powers, but of course their budgets are so dependent on federal money at this point that we can make them do things just by threatening to withhold funds for non-compliance. Also corporations and foundations can just side step this whole process by offering money to states and making them compete for it like starved greyhounds fighting over some rancid meat at a backwoods dog track.

Comments

Alas, poor Morty, "original intent"-ers like Clarence Thomas say you have to read the Constitution in terms of what the words meant in the 18th Century. Cruel and unusual, e.g., meant extremely ghastly Vincent Pricey stuff, not water boarding. But how quickly they switch to Calvinterpreting "well-regulated militia" into "guns for everybody."