what is anything

Super Tuesday Liveblog The Third: Spit It Out, Ohio! And Other Vague Shrugs Of Assent

Hello. What are you doing? It’s time to figure out what some quadrilateral land masses think about three organic masses and one gas, which were each forced to apply for Obama’s job because their tyrannical wives and gas-wife made them. We would say, We are watching this very closely, but that would be plagiarism, so we will just say, We have televisions that seem to work. What’s happened so far is that Romney has won Virginia and hilariously won a large portion of Massachusetts, Gingrich has won Georgia but has yet to figure out what his sleep number is, and Ron Paul has gone to Outer Snow Space to speak to a frozen tundra of anemia sufferers. Santorum has won Tennessee. Romney has also won Vermont, which is a real shame, and we’re still waiting to find out about Ohio, and what percentage of any of this matters.

8:30PM — “I just want to tell you something interesting about how this is going to work,” said somebody on CNN just a minute ago (WE ARE PASTBLOGGING FOR A SEC) about the “tight” “race” between Romney and Santorum in Ohio, and she unfortunately did not go on to say, “Obama will be reelected in a historic landslide, and we will laugh and laugh,” but did say something about truckloads of paper or something. She seemed genuinely excited, whereas earlier John King nodded to Wolf Blitzer in a manner that undeniably said, “I want to kill myself,” and then touched some colored quadrilaterals with his fingertips. BUT that was then, when Jim was still around, and then Sarah Palin came on fresh from a chemical peel and John King and others proverbially kissed the back of her hand and then just to give you a sense of what this world is coming to the CNN headline became SARAH PALIN JUST VOTED IN ALASKA, which is evidently breaking news and is an example of New Old Old New Old New Non-Journalism.
8:31 — “Do you think Sarah Palin…has a role?”
8:31:01 — No.
8:38 — RICK SANTORUM WINS TENNESSEE [CNN PROJACULATION].
8:39 — Now we are in Georgia listening to Callista Gingrich talking like a member of the Jetsons’ housekeeping staff.
8:43 — She is gone. Gone. But she is still there.
8:44 — Gingrich is here. “You believe in the power of ideas.” He is doing his thing of reminding us how very long and slightly he has remained in this amateur badminton championship.
8:47 — This is an AP US History lecture on the most boring chapter of our history, and the students are all drunk and high.
8:49 — Gingrich has declared himself the “tortoise” of this race.
8:52 — “A long time ago.” “Ideas.” “American history.”
8:54 — “First of all…” It’s been 23 minutes.
8:55 — He would like to conduct “seven three-hour debates” with Obama.
8:56 — Gingrich created a brief maelstrom of Obama heckling by quoting the president as saying, “I’m not really worried about higher gas prices because it will make it harder for me to get reelected.” That kind of makes no sense, but Obama did pretty much say that higher gas prices are a “bad idea for any president looking to get reelected.”
8:57 — He calls Obama’s speeches “so deliciously incoherent.” “And here, also, is an example of delicious incoherence.”
8:58 — ALGAEEEEE. “…[G]o to gas stations with a jar of algae.”
Figure 2: The Chinese are on it already.
9:02 — RICK SANTORUM WINS OKLAHOMA WHERE THE FARTS COME SWEEPIN’ DOWN THE PLAIN.
9:04 — Wolf Blitzer may have just said that Mitt Romney won a state called “Orlant,” which sounds like a tasty but deadly butter substitute.
9:07 — CNN dude rightly points out that Gingrich’s speech consisted almost entirely of “I’m this, I’m that,” and nothing about Georgia. But after all, what or where is Georgia?
9:13 — Santorum is currently LEADING in Ohio with such and such amount of the vote. He is two percent ahead of delegate glutton Mitt Romney, but this will probably change, and it’s very important that we go to FARGO again to see who cares about anything.
9:14 — One North Dakota official lady is talking about “a district at large,” where Ron Paul has literally three times the number of votes of the second-place blob, which is Santorum. And by “votes” so far we mean a number of yeses so small you can count them on 12 hands or in Romney’s case two hands. Who is paying for this information to appear on the television? (Mitt Romney.)
9:17 — Santorum is holding a rally in “Stupidville” [fine, Steubenville] Ohio.
9:20 — PARENTS’ NIGHT. Look at what can happen if you have sex once a year and don’t even have to have enjoyed it.
9:22 — Rebecca Black maaaay, may be one of Santorum’s children.
9:24 — Rick Santorum declares Ohio to be “still too close to call,” and yet here he is, telling us that Freedom is Ending.
9:28 — “Our rights come to us from our creator.” The creator is now rolling in his grave.
9:29 — “Rebecca Black” just looked at Santorum like, “Oh, fuck, I’m outta here, I hate children, including myself.”
9:30 — Can you imagine being this angry at health insurance, at an inanimate object that is just trying to help?
9:31 — Can you imagine?
9:31 — That your life’s work is taking out a restraining order on the government, which is not even stalking you?
9:32 — “We need a fighter…understanding how neighborhoods and families work.” Let us guess how: BAD SEX!
9:32 — “Mom’s hamming it up a little bit over there.”
9:33 — “I’m a little worried about [Rick Santorum]’s mother standing there that whole time” – Wolf Blitzer. But don’t worry, America, “she’s very spry.” Alright. Time for some CLOSE LOOKS. CLOSE L@@KS. And it is time to hand off this tuber to KIRSTEN! Farewell.

It's been interesting, if exhausting. It's about a 16-18 hour time-difference, and it's been very difficult trying to adapt. But it's very beautiful, if difficult and strange. Did you know that sick people do not like to be told that they're ill and need to rest? On the plus side, the sister has not taken my head off yet. On the minus side, I have never had so much hard physical labour to cope with. No time to go looky-loo yet, but we have plans for when she's feeling a bit better. Although she's driving herself off to strange places without me and I'm not supposed to say anything about it. Siblings can be difficult. I know you know about this because you have a few your own self, yes?

(Hugs the Biff most fondly) Thanks for being a good pal, Biffz.

Biff

If you get anywhere near Uluru, pour out a 40 in memory of my oldest brother who died there; I never got to go there, myself.

So sorry to hear that, Biffster. WTH was he doing up in that Aboriginal sacred place? Not trying to convert the natives, one hopes?

I'm not really holidaying here, so, don't expect to see Uluru, but I will pour out a libation for the dear departed. Were you two very close? (Hugs the Biff) It's tough, innit, losing family? Very sorry about your brother.

Biff

Oh hell no, he was working in Alice Springs building some missile-tracking shit. Just out drinking and driving, which was a family tradition. I survived, he didn't. He was my hero, so it was sad, but also very long ago. See, he was the first to escape our wretched family, and I wanted to be just like him. We were very much alike, after all.

SorosBot

And heeeeeeeeeere's Newtie! And the plastic surgery disaster, who is actually speaking.

FakaktaSouth

She looks like a bottle opener when she talks. I had only seen her open that face once before when they asked her the Lent question. Hawky. bleh.

SorosBot

And she once looked human; now she just looks hideous.

FakaktaSouth

Oh god. Do not make me google before and afters. Dammit. Well, I guess I gotta do something while Newt blathers…on and on with this guy.

BarackMyWorld

Check out the tan on Santa Claus!

johnnymeatworth

…and Sack Of Shit Tuesday continues….

chascates

NPR has a reporter at the Tennessee GOP war room which is actually the Country Music Hall of Fame. Santorum just picked as winner.

This is more like the show under the tent where you pay $2 to see a three-headed cow and a bearded woman, except the bearded woman is covered in whore trinkets and sounds like a 84-year-old iron mausoleum gate.

I really, really wish that it didn't sometimes take five forlorn minutes for multi-page comment thread posts to refresh (on an iPad). Submitting shitty witticisms in the face of Jim's repeated, unseen, yet belatedly appreciated orders to "get the fuck out there's a new thread you dope" has a way of dulling one's drive to soldier on.

Also, fuck you, Newt. For starters…

ProgressiveInga

In-co-HAIR-ant?

WinterOuthouse

Who writes these scripts?

BarackMyWorld

He is seriously making this shit up as he goes along, as to not be seen using the dreaded teleprompter.

SorosBot

You're in a desert, walking along in the sand, when all of a sudden you look down and see a tortoise. It's crawling toward you. You reach down and you flip the tortoise over on its back. The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun, beating its legs trying to turn itself over, but it can't. Not without your help. But you're not helping.

Nah, sleep apnea is completely different, its pauses in breathing or shallow breaths while you sleep. Narcolepsy is a disorder marked by excessive daytime sleepiness, uncontrollable sleep attacks, and cataplexy. All three of which Newt exhibits in the video.

" .. so the ELITES, like Mrs Schmitz, claim that cows are not green and cannot be green. That's what they want you to think. However, thanks to my vision and leadership, we now have a green cow as evidenced by this diagram …"

Hello. This is the 123rd. voter (as of 6:00) in my county. We had a chicken-shit Republic who ran against Obama along with a robo call asking me to give the baby killing etc. (it's the Dust Bowl. You can fill in the rather gory details yourselves.You've heard it all before.

Now Rick is speaking. I wish Newt would start crawling the other way and give this right-wing scary fucker a chance. WTF? Sweater vest won Tennessee–a state too long with too many vowels.

Karen has a big forehead, too. Those kids were doomed to have fiveheads.

mayor_quimby

I wonder if that family has passed the 'too fugly to reproduce' threshold, but then I think of a homeschooler yearbook and I can safely say no. Somebody's gonna mate with these big waterhead fuckers, who knows why.

He was the "Governor" of that mens locker room he just walked out off.

FakaktaSouth

The Pavlovian effect in these folks is so amazing. They can absolutely take the most mundane things in the world and make these people INSANE about them. Gnashing teeth over health care policy is fucking crazy. I like my crazy smart. Stupid crazy sucks balls.

ttommyunger

But it is much easier; not having to deal with all that thinky stuff and all…..

The Greatest Generation did pretty well going to elitist snobby colleges on the GI Bill…and having a top tax rate of over 60% on the wealthiest…and they didn't have to rely on the Government to win WWII!

C_R_Eature

Dick Rick before he Dicks you!

Fukui-sanYesOta

Looks like Frothmeister 3000 might well win Florida.

Here's CNN's breakdown of vote by race

White Romney 39% Santorum 36%
(96%)

Black NA because sample too small
(1%)

Other NA because sample too small
(3%)

NellCote71

So, is this where we add Greatest Generation to the drinking game?

Fukui-sanYesOta

and let's add "freedom", "government" and "obamacare"

it's the only way to be sure

OurHoboSenator

Mike DeWine! Smoke a marijuana-laced banana whenever he is on the screen.

FakaktaSouth

Yeah dude with the sick daughter you never see because you're chasing this bullshit around – tell me all about sacrificing ANY thing for another person, much less your life for your country.

ttommyunger

No, no, you misunderstand, it's YOUR life he's willing to sacrifice. Get a grip!

Well looks like Frothy has a hat trick with Tennessee, Oklahoma, and North Dakota. In Ohio he may face another hat trick with the Cleveland Steamer, Cincinnati Surprise, and Toledo Bow Tie. Not doing so well in the cities Ricky.

chascates

Liz, you're getting more comments than the previous editors. Take tomorrow off. Enjoy.

Biff

Those two older daughters?

Oh HELL yes.

Fukui-sanYesOta

What, even the slimfast monica lewinsky (thanks owls!) whose face looks like a penny glued to a triangle of Laughing Cow cheese?

TPMLivewire
09:35 PM EST
Kucinich, Kaptur Neck And Neck In Ohio
Results are trickling in for the Democratic Primary between Reps. Dennis Kucinich and Marcy Kaptur in Ohio's 9th District. With 16% of precincts reporting, Kaptur has 51% of the vote and Kucinich has 45%.

CapnFatback

If Rebecca Black is indeed Santorum's daughter, we now know the answer to the "front seat/back seat" conundrum.