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Friday, November 4, 2011

first impressions - The Fairy Tale Trap

Emily sent us this YA Fantasy. She can be reached via twitter @EmilyCaseysMuse. If you want to to know what Dianne thought of this piece, check out her blog In High Spirits. My comments are in purple.

Mom lied. This isn’t anything like home.Great opening line.

My old room wasn’t crowded with packing boxes, or ribbons of peeled-off tape. Here A full-length mirror leans against the back wall, still wrapped in brown paper. I’ll never unwrap it. Mom knows I hate mirrors. The bare mattress, with its smug little machine-sewn squiggles, mocks me from the corner. I’m unlivable, it says. You’ll never get to sleep.

It looks like a packing store puked (great visual) all over somebody else’s bedroom. No teenage girl should have to live like this.

I shove another half-unpacked box to the wall, leaving a path in the new carpet. Frustration gets the better of me. I lie flat on my back and press the inside of my elbow over my eyes. I can’t look at this place any more. It’s not a bedroom. It’s a storage closet. Complete with the stinging fumes of fresh paint. Nice touch adding scent here.

“Mom, I need help!”

I shout as pathetically as I can. Even without looking, I know as soon as Mom steps into the room. My whole body tenses up and the same thought keeps shooting across the room at her: You did this.

“I can’t find my pictures,” I say without uncovering my eyes. Mom can always tell how upset I am by looking at my eyes, and I really don’t want to talk about it.

“You mean the one of Dad?”

I hate it when she reads my mind.

“It’s probably in one of these boxes.”

My trophies from track and cross-country click together as she rifles through the box labeled ‘MISC’. The box I’ve searched through eight times already.

“I already looked there.” I can’t keep the anger out of my voice. Does she think I haven’t checked it yet? I almost snap at her again, but I manage to keep my mouth shut. I really don’t want to yell at her. I just want my picture.

The shuffling of random objects stops. Mom wipes her hands on her jeans, making a light zipping sound. “He’ll be back in three weeks.”

“Three and a half.” And that’s if he’s not killed or captured. The nightmares can get bad sometimes.

Excellent dialogue. I want to know why they've moved - again - and how come the dad could be killed or captured? By who? Where? Is that what the nightmares are about? And what does the title mean? I really like how the author has captured this moment and managed to tell us so much about Ivy's character. We can see how she manipulates her mother, holds her temper, acts younger than years and older than her years and all this in a single page. This definitely makes me want to know what happens next.

5 comments:

Thank you so much for the critique! You and Dianne have been very helpful.

This story is about a teenage girl (Ivy) who gets trapped in a fairy tale (Beauty and the Beast). The first 2 pages set up Ivy's life before everything gets turned on its ear and sets up the book's theme. I have the first few chapters posted here, for anyone who'd like to read them:http://emilycaseysmusings.blogspot.com/p/sample-chapters-fairy-tale-trap.html

WEST OF PARADISE

In which Jack and Katherine find out that traveling to the past - 1881 to be exact - isn't nearly as much fun as they thought it would be...

first impressions

I have teamed up with Dianne Salerni and Krystalyn Drown to critique the first page of your unpublished manuscript on the first Monday of every month. If you're interested, please email Me or Dianne. We promise to be nice :)

Please, write 'first impressions' in the subject line, and paste your submission into the body of the email - no attachments. We'll also happily link to your blog, website, what have you, and would love a pic, either of you or something appropriate to your work, and that you have the rights to. Thank-you! Critiques help all of us.

FAQs

1. A page is about 350-400 words2. Prologue or first chapter? Send what you would query an agent or editor with.3. Will we rip your work apart? Absolutely not. We do our best to be kind and helpful.

you:

me:

Marcy S. Hatch, author of West of Paradise (think Tombstone meets Romancing the Stone) from WiDo publishing. I live in Midcoast Maine. I can walk downtown to the Damariscotta River and the award winning Maine Coast Bookshop, which has a webcam on its roof and a cafe on the sidewalk. If you want to see what my town looks like from up there, double click on the door below and you'll get a bird's eye view.

If you are a new author I would be happy to post a pic/link of your upcoming novel and interview you if you're interested. Don't be shy! Click on contact :)