10/12/2005

Bobby Lightfoot's Greatest Hits #5: This continues to amuse me.

His 'n' Hers.

HIS:

Hot college chick shows up to paint the eaves, wearing overalls and not much else. After minimal flirting and a double entendre or two, the overalls come off and you go at it over the sawhorse. She comments favorably on your size.

HERS:

Cute college guy shows up (wait, no- UPS guy. Wait, no- has to be college guy) to paint the eaves, wearing overalls and not much else. After minimal flirting and a double entendre or two, he does an excellent job at painting the eaves. He comments favorably on your thighs. You get a 15% discount on the painting.

HIS:

While investigating an ancient burial site, you and Lara Croft wind up in a tight spot and the electricity is palpable as you brush up against her. She falls to her knees and pulls your pants down. She compliments your size.

HERS:

Whilst sconce-shopping (sconce!) at Bed Bath & Beyond, you and Matthew McConaughey wind up in a tight spot and the electricity is palpable as he brushes up against you. He falls to his knees and the ring comes out. He complements your pantsuit (ha ha- you think I just mis-spelled "compliments"- he actually complements your pantsuit).

HIS:

It's a redeye from New York to Miami. You sit next to a hot businesswoman (domestic engineer/ show girl) who gives you th' hairy eyeball. Over Georgia she gives you a professional-grade hand job under the blanket. She feigns reading. When you get to Miami you go to your hotel and order a steak the size of a terlet seat.

HERS:

It's a redeye from New York to Miami. you sit next to a well-dressed businessman (doctor, internet zillionaire, architect) who casts admiring glances at your Dolce & Gabana purse. He asks you about yourself the whole flight and when you disembark he gives you a shy, adorable kiss on the cheek. When you get to Miami you go to your hotel and take a nice bath.