Polygyny and the Single Girl: Why Do Women Have Children with Married Men?

Much of the public discourse about the recent revelation that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with another woman while married to Maria Shriver and raising a family with her has centered on Arnold. Is he a narcissist? A womanizer? Drunk on power? Why would he do such a thing, columnists, commentators and men and women on the street have wondered, and what made him think he could get away with it?

Not that we're not interested in Maria's situation. Why, the public asks, did she tolerate his womanizing and the more or less flagrant indulgences of his libido for so many years? After all, his peccadillos were an open secret among the California and national political cogniscenti, and nearly doomed his gubernatorial bid. Until Maria publicly stepped up to quash them, stand by her man, and help propel him into office. What on earth were her motives? we ask ourselves. Was she in the dark? Was this a case of knowing and not knowing? Did they have some sort of "deal," Arnold and Maria?

Less have we spoken about the third person in this private and very public scenario-the Other Woman. In the coming days the media and we, the public, may cast her as deceptive ("She worked in their home! For twenty years!"), pathetic, or simply a bad woman and a bad person. Time will tell. What we might do, in addition to judge, is simply ask ourselves whether there is a reason, beyond personal pathology or personal choice, that she might have done what she did.

Behind every high-ranking male like Arnold, John Edwards, Vito Fossella (the former U.S. Congressman) and Francois Mitterand who fathers a second family on the DL is a woman who chooses him as her mate. Why would a woman have an affair and a child with a man who is already married and a father?

As I researched and wrote my book Stepmonster and considered examples of stepmothering in other cultures, including pre-industrial ones, I spoke with anthropologists, evolutionary biologists and human behavioral ecologists who studied polygamy, the practice of having more than one spouse. We are used to thinking of polygyny (men with several wives) and its statistically rarer cousin, polyandry (when women have more than one husband) as relics of "primitive" or "other" cultures. But evolutionary biologists believe that pre-industrial foraging societies are actually a time capsule of sorts, providing the best possible clues about how we all likely lived throughout much of our evolutionary prehistory. That means that, when conditions were right, we were polygynous. And so, some anthropologists further suggest, divorce and remarriage with children in developed western cultures might be considered "legalized polygyny." Human behavioral ecologist Steven Josephson, who intensively studied a cohort of Mormons, suggests that we may consider our way of life "serial monogamy that is arguably slow-motion polygyny." Men have a wife and kids, divorce, remarry, and have more kids. What, these anthropologists ask, makes this practice completely distinct from having several spouses simultaneously?

There is a whole sub-field of anthropology dedicated to studying actual polygyny, and what its risks and rewards might be for men, women, and families. One popular hypothesis is that "half a husband with resources is better than no husband at all." Another is that polygamy benefits a man's reproductive fitness, but is ultimately disadvantageous for the women and children of his union/s. A third hypothesis, confirmed by Josephson's data, is that while the children of women in polygamous unions might have fewer resources, and the women might be at a disadvantage themselves, relatively disempowered in the household or union, their grandchildren seem to benefit. And this, Josephson says, is a measure of a mother's reproductive success. Polygamy, in his cohort, broke in favor of the second and third wives, even if their success took two generations to manifest.

The larger point, Josephson and anthropologists like him suggest, is this: the fact that women choose to have children with men who already have wives and children suggests that, when it comes to polygyny and our evolutionary history, "the software is still in there."

Very interesting! Must be why Big Love was such a success. A lot of people are losing weight and becoming more fit by following a hunter-gatherer diet and exercise program; why not go whole hog and embrace polygyny too?

... by women and alpha males against less dominant males. People ask about Arnold, and Maria, and now the Other Woman. But what about the poor guy who was smitten with the Other Woman but did not have a chance because he was a day laborer or a mechanic instead of a movie star? Nobody cares about him.

It's true that polygyny is generally the province of high-ranking, powerful men. In my book Stepmonster I discuss some exceptions, countries and tribes where poor men might have several wives. Thanks for reading and commenting.

I don't believe that getting divorced and remarrying constitutes legalized polygamy, because the relationships are still exclusive while they lasted (providing) no cheating was occuring.

While some will leave their partners with the intention of finding another spouse, I'd think the vast majority of people wouldn't be that cruel to their partners, and there is a social stigma to people who have married and remarried too many times.

I'd argue having children out of wedlock is a bigger loophole for polygymy or polyandry than divorce and remarriage.

Hi Wednesday,
Great piece! I hope the questions raised in the first two paragraphs of the essay will be answered as well. Would like to hear your take on the mindset of the wife in this/such a scenario.
Thx!

These women who have babies with married men do not think about what happens to the babies and the struggle of being a single parent. I speak from experience because my mother had me from an affair with a married man. Of course he told her he didn't want anything to do with me as a baby. My mom had to leave me with my aunt to raise me so she could work as a housekeeper. I grew up without a male figure in my life. My mom to this day doesn't talk about it with me, I am not sure if she knew he was married when she was having the affair. Hence, I never wanted that for myself. She wants to criticize my relationship with my husband when she sees something she doesn't like. So my response is "how would you know? You never had a relationship with a man!" Because of a lack of a father, I had self-Esteem issues. I picked a partner that was non-Hispanic because I just hate the fact that the man that impregnataged my mom with me is a Hispanic man. I know it's a woman's choice of what they do with their body. But I would never encourage others to have or not have an abortion. But if the guy doesn't love you, is telling you to have an abortion, then why would you bring that baby into the world to suffer struggles? Mo know someone now my age that had an affair with a married man & he told her to get an abortion because he didn't want anything to do with the baby. She raised her child on her own, he's 14 now and a little rebel and she cries and says how hard it is. When she was pregnant again with someone else when the 14 year old was 1 years old, she had a man fall in love with her, got her pregnant, begged her to have the baby, promised to marry her and was a good step dad to the 14 year old she went ahead and had an abortion. Now she is mid 30's miserable and alone. That is something I can't respect. Her 14 year old says he hates being Cuban bc his biological father was Cuban, hates his Cuban last name inherited from his mom. So people don't really think of the baby and how that baby will grow up to think. I am still together with my daughters father, we live together as a little family, and I can't imagine doing this alone or be living on the hands of my parents.