‘On one hand, as queers, we are perverse, immoral, depraved, shaped as oversexed child molesters or as invisible creatures, legislated out of existence. And on the other, as [people with disabilities], we are entirely desexualized or fetishized or viewed as incapable of sexual responsibility. What a confounding maze of lies and stereotypes!’

Eli Clare, disabled writer, activist, poet, teacher

How do I know if I am attracted to someone of the same sex?

Attraction can happen in many different ways depending on the way you think and feel and how your body works. Whether you are attracted to someone of the same sex or the opposite sex, the signs are the same. So maybe it’s the flutter in your chest when you see that special someone. The feeling you get when you smell her perfume, even if you can’t see. The squeezing sensation in your stomach when you hold his hand. Or maybe it’s the way your heart races when you kiss them.

People are attracted to each other for different reasons – their looks, personality, intellect, sense of humour. However, most of us are socially conditioned to feel attracted to someone of the opposite sex – from Bollywood’s heroes and heroines to most of our own friends, we’re told that sexual desire happens between a man and a woman. So sometimes, even when people are attracted to others of the same sex, they may suppress their feelings, or completely miss the signs. As a woman, you may feel it is normal for you to be attracted to men. But around 10% of men and 6% of women worldwide are openly homosexual (attracted to others of the same sex), and feeling sexual desire for women is, as the numbers prove, not so uncommon.

I’ve heard my friends talking about people who are lesbian or queer, but I don’t actually know what these words mean.

LGBTQ – Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer – is an acronym used by people who don’t see themselves as ‘straight’ or heterosexual, or as ‘men’ or ‘women’. Sometimes the letter ‘I’ is added to the acronym, designating people who are intersex

Lesbian (homosexual) – Women who are sexually attracted to other women

Gay (homosexual) – Men who are sexually attracted to other men

Bisexual (homosexual and heterosexual) ¬- People who are sexually attracted to people of more than one gender

Transgender – People whose gender identity (‘man’ or ‘woman’) or behaviour (masculine or feminine) doesn’t conform to the sex (male or female) they were born into. Their gender is therefore seen as very literally, in transition, hence transgender.

Queer – An umbrella term for people whose sexuality or gender identity challenges the ‘norm’. This can include lesbian women, gay men, bisexual people, or transgender/transsexual people (hijras), who don’t completely fit into the category of ‘man’ or ‘woman’. The ‘Q’ of LGBTQ is sometimes used by those who are questioning or ideologically challenging dominant norms around sexual orientation or gender identity.

There are many myths and stereotypes about people who are LGBTQ: that it’s only something the idle rich living in cities indulge in, or that it’s an un-Indian idea that people have picked up from the West. In reality, LGBTQ people have been around as long as….well, as long as humans have been around, and people of all classes, religions and communities are part of the LGBTQ population.

Remember though, not everyone who is in a same-sex relationship or has a different gender identity (from a ‘man’ or ‘woman’) thinks of themselves in terms of these categories. You can be attracted to a woman but not think of yourself as a ‘lesbian’ or even ‘queer’, and that’s fine. What’s more important than finding the ‘correct’ labels for people is allowing them to live as they want, without being judged or ridiculed for who they are.

My doctor says my same-sex desire is a side effect of my disability. Is this true?

Of course not. Most people are aware that women do have sexual desires for other women; however, many are still extremely uncomfortable with the idea. Part of the reason for this lack of acceptance is the belief that people (especially women) should only have sex (or think about sex) to bear children. When it comes to accepting lesbian relationships, people first have to accept that women can and do have sex purely for pleasure.

It is virtually impossible to pinpoint why someone is attracted to someone of a particular gender. Just like nothing made someone heterosexual, there are no ’causes’ for homosexuality. But because there is so much discomfort around same-sex relationships, they are not easily accepted as ‘normal’, and sought to be ‘explained’. Some people believe that if you’re a lesbian and you have sex with a ‘real’ man (whatever that means), you’ll be ‘converted’. Others believe that same-sex desire is the result of being sexually abused as a child. Since women with disabilities are seen as sexually undesirable, it is assumed that they are in same-sex relationships because they can’t be in heterosexual ones.

Many people, including doctors, treat same-sex attraction as a disease or an illness. Says queer and disability rights activist Janet Price, ‘The simple lack of acknowledgment of a right to sexuality emerges again and again in multiple different ways for women with disabilities. For disabled women who suggest their desire is directed towards other women, this right is even further limited – and to reiterate, for women with mental health diagnoses or psychosocial disabilities, any evidence of same-sex desire is taken as a further sign of illness.’

Despite what others may say, your same-sex desire is not a disease or a side-effect – it’s part of who you are, and that’s that.

Should I tell people that I’m attracted to other women?

If you’re ready to share this part of you with others, then yes, you can consider ‘coming out’. It’s not always an easy process – people have various misconceptions about women who are attracted to other women, and there are many things you may want to consider before deciding to come out. Are people in your family aware of same-sex relationships? Do you think they will be able to understand it if you explain it to them?

Although it sounds like it, coming out is not a single event. It’s a step by step process, and goes on with everyone you meet and want to share your sexual orientation with. When, how, and to whom you decide to come out should be entirely up to you. Not everyone who is ‘out’ (openly gay) is out to everyone around them, and you can choose who you want to share this part of yourself with. Having your sexual orientation made known to others without your consent is called ‘outing’ (rather than ‘coming out’). Being outed can be damaging for many LGBTQ people, who may face intolerance or discrimination once people find out.

As a woman with a disability, coming out can be harder in some ways. If you have a hired caregiver or depend on your family, how do you think this will affect your care? Because people have many prejudices and misconceptions about disability, you may already feel like you live under a judging or discriminating gaze, which could be made worse if you disclose your sexual orientation. You could start by telling those you are close to and trust, which can slowly help you build confidence to tell others as well.

If you are in a wheelchair or need daily care, you may want to consider whether telling people you are lesbian would affect your ability to receive this support. Some women have families who are extremely supportive, others who take time to adjust to the news, and still others who may respond drastically by breaking off connections with their daughter. Says queer and disability rights activist Janet Price, ‘The loss of friendships and of supportive networks because of pressure from their families can cause disabled LGBTQI women to become really cut off. This happens not only to those with psychosocial disabilities but to others with visible physical, sensory, developmental and other disabilities.’

People across the country and the world are struggling for LGBTQ people to be able to live in a world which accepts them for who they are. There are probably local support groups in your city and town which can connect you to others who may be experiencing (or have experienced) similar uncertainties as you. Speaking to other lesbian women can give you strength and support to live your sexual life as openly as you can. Look at some of the Check This links on the side of this page for organisations and forums that you may find useful.

What do people mean by transgender?

Transgender is a broad term for people who feel that their gender (man or woman) doesn’t fit the category of the sex (male or female) they were assigned (or given) at birth. This can be confusing to understand at first, because the only genders of people we generally see, hear, or read about are either men or women. In reality, there are a number of people who don’t fit into these categories, and sometimes transgender people are seen as belonging to the third gender

A person who was said to be male at birth may actually grow up feeling like a girl or a woman. Or someone who was said to be female may actually feel like a man. There are others who are born with mixed genitals – consisting of some male and some female parts. They may have surgery that assigns them one of two genders, but grow up feeling uncomfortable in their bodies. All these people might be called transgender.

Some transgender people undergo surgery to change (or transition) their bodies into their internal gender (what they feel they are). Men who undergo surgery to look like women are called MTF persons (Male to Female), and women who undergo surgery to look like men are called FTM persons (Female to Male). Others do not undergo surgery, but may act, dress, and feel like they are the opposite gender to their assigned sex.

Not all people who fit these descriptions think of themselves as transgender. For example, many people who were once male but are now women (either with or without surgery), think of themselves as women, not as transgender people. A visible example of transgender people in India are hijras, who are mainly born as male (though some may have mixed organs), but may undergo surgery and live as women. Check out Malika’s Indian Transgender blog or Gazal’s website for stories of Indian trans people.

Because we are used to only thinking of people in terms or male and female, people are often suspicious of or prejudiced against people who don’t fit into these categories. Whether or not someone has had an operation, it’s important to remember that the gender someone ‘looks’ like may not be what they actually see themselves as. If you’re not sure how someone defines their gender , it’s always a good idea to ask

MY STORY

Being ‘Out’ In The Hospital

‘When I first learned of my partner’s disability I wept for days. She is an amputee, right arm and right leg. I couldn’t believe that there wasn’t some way to undo it. I grieved for the loss of her arm and leg, constantly waking up at night with the shocking realization that nothing would change her loss. They weren’t going to grow back.