I caught a cold last week and was supposed to come over last weekend. I called them up and suggested we might want to reschedule to the next (this coming) weekend so I wouldn't get the baby sick.

The mother of the baby freaked out and told me that I couldn't come anywhere near them until 10 days after my last symptoms. I told her that I thought that sounded a little extreme.

They called the pediatrician. The doctor told her 8 days from the beginning of the cold should be fine.

She has declared that this isn't good enough. I have to be totally better by tomorrow or I can't come over. And she says her husband can't leave the house to go out to lunch with me instead because that would be him abandoning her (she generally refuses to leave the house with the baby because he cries in the he car... She won't even leave the house without him even if they have non-sick people offering to babysit for an hour or so because the baby doesn't take the bottle well).

Does anyone else think this is a little extreme? I don't have kids, so I don't know.

I get first-time moms can be nervous. Fine. But there is something about this that seems odd to me...

BS / D

Posts: 878 | Registered: Jun 2013

simplydevastated♀ 25001Member # 25001

Posted: 8:17 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013

That sounds a lot odd. If he leaves the house to have lunch he's abandoning her? Really?

I understand not wanting sick people near the baby, but that's extreme. If someone came over who was sick when my two were babies I told them to wash their hands before they went near them or to just keep their distance, but they could come over for a visit.

The thing that I went crazy over was SIDS. I didn't have anything in my sons crib, not a toy, blanket, anything. Then after I had my daughter, well, let's just say it was a different story. She had tons of stuff in her crib

It's her decision which frankly, I don't find extreme at all. Sure, you want your child's immune system to grow but there's no harm in being protective - especially with a newborn - especially with your first.

Hell, I slept on the floor when AJ had his first cold. I totally get the freak out this causes.

Yah she seems to be a bit over the top so to speak. But hey she is a first time mom, and it takes a while for all of us to find our groove.

I would strongly encourage her to allow herself, and her H some me time, and to take a break now and again. But she may not be willing to hear it. I would also speak to her H about watching for PPD, seems she is sufferring more from PPA,(post partum ANXIETY) which NO ONE talks about, but I truly suffered from, and can totally see it now looking back.
I stressed over everything, is he eating enough, is he eating too much, is he spitting up too much, if I sleep will I hear him, what if I'm not doing this right, what if my mom thinks I'm mot doing this right, what if my sister thinks I'm doing this wrong....I mean it went on and on and on. I was freaking OUT OF MY MIND.....It took my dear sweet H telling me that people have been doing this since the begining of time, and generally isn't that complex. He also was very blunt and told me I was acting like a crazy woman. LOL.

I finally found my groove when I went back to work at 2.5 months after becoming mom.

So remember even though she is being a little over the top, it's her choice, and we all parent a bit differently. She will find her groove too, and that baby won't be brand new for long, and then she will start to relax a bit.

I think this bothers me because this isn't the first time she's acted a little... strange... since the baby came.

No one is allowed in the house with shoes. Hands must be washed each time before handling the baby.

She doesn't want the baby exposed to television before the age of 3. This means the TV can't be turned on. Even when the baby is asleep... because the wall of the nursery shares the wall the TV is on in the living room.

She leaves work every hour to come home to check on the baby, even though they have a nanny.

The baby has never slept in the crib. She sits up at night holding him. That has resulted in her dropping him once in her sleep already.

She won't let her husband watch the baby, because he doesn't take the bottle well. But then she says he's abandoning her if he wants to leave the house.

I dunno. I get it's her baby, her rules. But I'm starting to get worried a little. Her mom was a recluse and I'm worried she's starting to show some similar signs. But I could be overreacting.

I think this bothered me because they consulted the doctor, as they should, but it still wasn't good enough for her...

The thing about new mothers is the newness. Let it go. She probably won't relax much until the next kid comes along. It's tough on everyone, including the mom and the kid, but it is her choice!
I taught first grade for many years. One year, in a class of 26, 23 were firstborns. Let's just say that I had MANY offers of classroom help. The kids were fine, the mothers were crazy. I wound up parenting the parents.
But that's just the way it is, sometimes. Better to have over involved parents, than ones that don't care... you'll see your Godchild eventually!

Yup she has first time mom crazies..lol. A lot of new parents go through it.

Funny story - my ExSIL (who is a wonderful person) had her mother baby sit for her when they had to go out for something. She left her mother a detailed list of how to take care of baby. Her Mother!! The woman who raised her and two other kids. My EXMIL still laughs about it. Any she calmed down by the next kid.

They had to go out for something over the holidays and two of his 70 year-old relatives stayed to watch the baby. Between them, they had something like 8 kids. And she only made it about 20 mins before they had to turn around and go back because she couldn't deal.

I'm just going to ignore it. It's just hard not to take it personally when you are basically being told you are the outbreak monkey, you don't past the babysitter test and you are crazy for not realizing the TV can't be turned on.

BS / D

Posts: 878 | Registered: Jun 2013

abbycadabby♀ 27428Member # 27428

Posted: 9:09 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013

seems she is sufferring more from PPA,(post partum ANXIETY) which NO ONE talks about, but I truly suffered from, and can totally see it now looking back.

Oh gosh. This sounds so familiar to me. Started having panic attacks (first time in my whole life) after my DS was born. It was not a good time. Throw in C-section complications and a pinch of inattentive exWH and it was a recipe for disaster for me emotionally.

As far as your friend, just give her time and follow her rules, even if you think they're over the top and excessive. She'll find her groove and hopefully things will relax some.

Congrats on being named godmother!

Posts: 1365 | Registered: Feb 2010

lieshurt♀ 14003Member # 14003

Posted: 9:13 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013

Yup she has first time mom crazies..lol.

A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 14061 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston

PhantomLimb♀ 39668Member # 39668

Posted: 9:20 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013

Her husband also never wanted to get married or have kids... But she found herself pregnant and his family made him do "the right thing."

He wanted her to abort-- and she even made two appointments-- but then they made a deal: she agrees to take on 80% of the work with the baby so his life doesn't have to change, and he'll go along with it.

So, um, she may be feeling a little pressure.

Is it wrong that I'm giving them an over/under of two years?

Although, this is her second marriage and I think she's really committed to doing whatever it takes to make it work.

I dunno...

BS / D

Posts: 878 | Registered: Jun 2013

ajsmom♀ 17460Member # 17460

Posted: 9:26 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013

Wow.

Well, after reading THAT, it makes me think she finds herself in a situation where she simply cannot fail and is handling it the best she can.

I've been offering things like babysitting services, spa days, lunches. I've offered to just come over and sit with her in the afternoons so she's not alone. I've been texting her at night telling her I'm worried about her. She's just not receptive.

Talked to her husband and he's still going to try to see my briefly on Saturday so I can give him their Xmas gifts. Maybe I'll tell him I'm a little worried...

BS / D

Posts: 878 | Registered: Jun 2013

ajsmom♀ 17460Member # 17460

Posted: 9:43 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013

Frankly, given he's been clear he never wanted this child, I don't think he'll care if she's overburdened.

My hope would be after she gets through the first few months her eyes open up to the reality of her situation. She is now and will forever be a single mom whether or not she stays married to him.

Ok so she has the new mom crazies, and certainly unrealistic expectations, no TV, seriously? OK whatever.

She is certainly putting a ton of pressure on herself. She probably feels that ANY thing that goes wrong, percieved or real, will result in the destruction of her M. It is a very sad situation for her to be in. As a close friend would she be willing to allow you to go with her to her post partum Dr appointment so that you can ask about PPD,A? To help her see that she may actually be doing things to an extreme?

I can't imagine thinking it's good for the baby to hold them all night....I had the worlds worst baby, he was the King of Colic and honestly screamed the first 7 months of his life. I was so sleep deprived it was unreal, and that in and of itself allows the crazies to get worse, and worse and worse.

She needs someone who she respects, a mom, a grandmum, a friend, this new H to force her to let go a bit, she also may benefit from some meds.

I was hoping the baby would turn him around. I see him tying... but I also see him being .... him. And it's sort of selfish.

For example: She hardly gets any sleep, but he insists that he needs a full night's sleep and a nap mid day. No exceptions. So she sleeps in the nursery with the baby on the other side of the house so he's not disturbed.

But he'll say, these are the terms she agreed to. She knew he had fatigue issues before they had the baby. And he'll say that she doesn't need as much sleep.

He loves her and the baby. I have no doubt. But I do think she seems to be struggling. Some of that seems to be new mom nerves. But some of her anxiety may be caused by him... But she loves him so much, I don't think she'll admit she's being poorly treated.

I remember her telling me a couple of years ago at a lunch that she wanted to marry him and have a baby. I warned her that I didn't think he was cut out for that life. I've known him almost 20 years and it's never been something he wanted. But she was determined.

He was the OM in a woman's marriage a few years ago. They broke up when he refused to move right in with her if she D her BS. So she went back to her BS and had a baby. A few years later, that M blew up (big surprise).

When his former A partner was now suddenly single, she began fishing a bit to see if my friend was still interested. At that point, he had been with his now-wife, then-girlfriend for about a year or two. He went to her and told her that he was legitimately struggling with what to do. He still had feelings for this WW and thought he might need to explore them.

Ultimately he decided not to go back to the WW and stay with his now-wife. And, boom!, right after he made that decision, her birth control fails. And then his mom badgered him until he just went down to the town hall one day and picked up the marriage paperwork. They never even had a wedding.

Once again. I dunno. The whole situation is a little strange.

I guess I'm just struggling with how to keep the right elements of their situation in mind as I figure out how to support them and be of help.

I guess part of me, after my recent experience with XWS, wants to encourage her to wake up before she's blindsided by this guy...

BS / D

Posts: 878 | Registered: Jun 2013

simplydevastated♀ 25001Member # 25001

Posted: 10:04 AM, December 11th (Wednesday), 2013

He wanted her to abort-- and she even made two appointments-- but then they made a deal: she agrees to take on 80% of the work with the baby so his life doesn't have to change, and he'll go along with it.

After reading this it's no wonder she's all over the place! Being a first time mom is hard enough, but getting no help makes it that much harder.

For example: She hardly gets any sleep, but he insists that he needs a full night's sleep and a nap mid day. No exceptions. So she sleeps in the nursery with the baby on the other side of the house so he's not disturbed.

But he'll say, these are the terms she agreed to. She knew he had fatigue issues before they had the baby. And he'll say that she doesn't need as much sleep.

He sounds like an ass. Of course she needs sleep. How can she properly function and take care of a baby with little to no sleep?

He loves her and the baby. I have no doubt.

Sorry, but I highly doubt it.

When his former A partner was now suddenly single, she began fishing a bit to see if my friend was still interested. At that point, he had been with his now-wife, then-girlfriend for about a year or two. He went to her and told her that he was legitimately struggling with what to do. He still had feelings for this WW and thought he might need to explore them.

Ultimately he decided not to go back to the WW and stay with his now-wife. And, boom!, right after he made that decision, her birth control fails.

Um...not an expert, but this sounds like she purposely got pregnant to try and keep him.

Maybe one way you can help is to off to babysit. Stay in the house with the baby and take of the baby so she can get some much needed sleep.

I am very concerned, as someone else mentioned, about PPA and probably depression too, but there will come a point where she will be the one who needs to pursue help. She needs to consult a therapist, in my opinion, but she seems unlikely to do so.

Keep pursuing supporting her as much as you have the energy for. She's going to need it once she crashes, and she will eventually. No one can keep it up forever.

I was in a similar position as your friend. My ex wanted me to abort and never forgave me for not doing so. He was completely unsupportive during the pregnancy and abandoned me at the hospital immediately after the birth. When I came home from the hospital he expected me to cater to HIM, literally expected me to bring him meals in bed. He expected a full night's sleep every night & bitched me out when I dared to ask for a glass of water while I nursed. He actually ripped the baby off of my breast WHILE nursing because he wanted to make a big show of helping me by forcing me to get a nap while he was still awake.

To say I was freaked out and terrified is putting it mildly.

No one knew what he was doing. To the outside world he seemed like a doting father. He managed to make me seem paranoid & mentally unbalanced to outsiders, when in reality I was afraid of him and just wanted some loving support at home. I didn't want people to keep telling me to get away from my baby. I wanted people to come clean my toilets (because ex wouldn't do it) or bring me food or just HELP me with housework or shopping.

And yes, I didn't want sick or recently sick people around. One of my babies developed RSV because a sick person came over. It significantly impacted nursing because she couldn't breathe through her nose.

I was just so disappointed in everyone. Everyone wanted to tell me what to do, everyone was so critical & unsupportive. No one wanted to help me in the ways I needed help.

Sick & recently sick people should stay away from newborns. And people who want to help should help in ways that are help.