Monday, October 09, 2006

An Open Letter to Madonna

Dear Madonna,

I know you're busy these days, hanging on a cross and falling off horses and wrapping mystical red string around the world, but I wanted to bend your ear for a minute. I heard through the celebrity poop scoop grapevine that you're currently scouring Malawi for an orphan to adopt. While I know it's all the rage for celebrities to fly out to Africa and bring home a living, breathing souvenir, may I make an alternative suggestion?

Adopt me.

No, I'm serious, hon. I am currently without parents, broke and in need of some mothering, and I'd make a delightful addition to any family.

Here's the lowdown:

First off, I'm a fan, Madonna. Really. I liked "Truth or Dare." (Okay, I'm still trying to figure out why you hated Kevin "Neat" Costner so much - I mean, that was BEFORE "Waterworld" and the alleged creepy sexual hijinks in that spa in Scotland.) I even offered my services to the U.S. Embassy Moscow Cultural Section when you were going to take your (aborted) trip to Russia to premiere the movie back in the day. I wore the big bows in my hair and ridiculous sock/shoe combinations in the 80s because of you. Hell, I still feel bad about your break-up with Sean. I even paid to see "Shanghai Surprise." I think, quite possibly, you owe me.

Let's look at the advantages of adopting a 40-year-old woman... I'm potty trained already. There's one area that you simply won't have to worry about. I'm a big kid now! I also speak and write American English fairly well, so your nanny (or Guy or whoever) won't have to go through years of effort for me to master the lyrics to "Papa Don't Preach" or "Like a Prayer." (I guess a kid wouldn't have to read much to peruse "Sex" though...) My Internet savvy will easily translate to deliciously sycophantic blog entries raving about your Kabbalistic goodness and the brilliance of not only your current tour, but your children's books and your uncanny ability to stay up on a slippery stage cross in stacked heels.

After a year living in London, I can do a passably awful English accent, just like you! We're both lapsed Catholics, and we make questionable fashion choices on a regular basis. And hey - you're from the Midwest, I'm from the Midwest! We have so much in common already!

Look, I can't lie. I see this adoption deal as being mutually beneficial. I could give you love and loads of attention on a blog read by fives and tens of people daily. (Lord knows, you can't get that kind of publicity anywhere else!) And you don't even have to deal with me on a regular basis. Maybe a shout out once every few months... In exchange, all I ask is that all the moolah you'd be spending on high end Melrose Avenue baby boutique clothing and toys go to the fund to keep my computer and car after I file bankruptcy. My car is butt ugly, old and has 91,000 miles on it, but I love it, and it gets me to the coffee shop and work. And the computer? Oh hell, me without a computer will be bad. Just bad. Let's face it - my financial problems would be entirely wiped out by what you'd be spending on decorating a nursery, Mo baby. For real, sister.

Look, I already have red string in my sewing kit, so I can accessorize myself Kabbalah style the moment you give this deal the thumbs up. I'm in the book. You can call me any old time.

I hear that Guy isn't all that keen on you adopting a baby anyway. So, I may be your best option.

Now, if you're really in Malawi simply to pour your money into helping kids in crisis and communities affected by AIDS, famine, you name it, then good for you, Madge. Just reconsider your desire to have Kabbalah 4 Kids added to those little ones' curriculum, okay? Life is tough enough without having yet another religion pressed upon you in exchange for knowledge and food and a roof over your head.