Looking for celebrity gossip and full frontal Kardashian bashing? Need more snarkasm in your diet? Do you get a sick thrill out of the misfortunes of others? You're in the right place! Welcome. And prepare to be Whorrified.

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

INTERNET SAYS BEYONCE IS PREGNANT, SO SHE MUST BE

JEN, ON THE OTHER HAND, IS NOT PREGNANTYawn. Although I would like to know 'the shocking reason Justin won't marry her.' I bet it has somethingto do with nonstop jabbering about ovulating.

For some reason that might have something to do with Illuminati, the Internet is suddenly ablaze with speculation that Beyonce is pregnant with baby No. 2. Which would hardly be shocking, I mean she's already gone on record as saying she wants a sibling for Blue Ivy and that's what women her age do, they have kids, for God's sake. Any cat can do it with less fuss.

But because this is Beyonce, she who hath powers to cast the entire Super Bowl into darkness simply by making the diamond sign, the blood has to drain out of the collective face of the entire world at the mere sight of what looks like a baby bump but which may, in fact, just be too much bread. (Speaking as a woman who loves bread. Give me a good Portuguese pao redondo and a glass of water and just watch what friggin happens down there. You'd swear I was carrying Kim Kardashian's 22-pound baby for her.)

Anyway, the Internet really has its heart set on this pregnancy so Beyonce might as well just get on with it. (Internet: Yes! You get it! You can be the godmother...)

And speaking of the most tepid and unsurprising news ever, earlier reports that Jennifer Aniston's wedding is "on hold" have now been upgraded to "is cancelled." Which of course I called months ago, whilst simultaneously calling that her uterus was emphatically NOT carrying twins, or singletons, or even the shadow of the memory of the ghost ofafetus, human or otherwise.

Related: In a shocking development, JayZ's mom says her grand-daughter is cute and smart and that JayZ "melts" when she calls him "Papa." This is unheard of in the history of parenting and is so powerful it could very well break the Internet. Full story here.

DOESN'T THIS FAMILY EVER HAVE BOYS?

Kardashian's stripper bride has plopped out a baby, and it vaguely resembles Rob so my nasty suspicions were completely unfounded. Also, IT'S A GIRL! In lieue of newborn gifts, the happy kouple are probably asking for cash donations to the baby's breast-and-butt implant fund. Those 12th birthdays come faster than you think. CLICK THE PIC to see the newest member of the Kardashian clan.

Looking for Tyra? Kanye? Me? Type a name here

POSSIBLY THE MOST BORING NEWS EVER

Actors Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts have announced that they are splitting up after 11 years of marriage. Unfortunately, they had the nerve to do so within a week of Brad and Angelina's cataclysmic split, so no one gives a shit. Plus I've never seen such craptastic acting as Naomi Watts playing Lady Diana, so if that was Liev's reason for leaving her I can't say I blame him.

FIRST-EVER PICS OF PREGNANT JANET!

I wouldn't normally give a flying nipple ring about baby bumps, but when said baby bump is sticking out of Janet Jackson's 50-year-old body, you're damn right I'm gonna blog about that. As well as gleefully note that she appears to be eating for at least two, possibly three or four. CLICK ON HER PIC to see the fruits of the paparrazis' relentless stalking of Janet … Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

SOMEONE DODGED THE GARGOYLE BULLET

Iman posted a photo of Lexi Jones, her only child with David Bowie, in honour of her 16th birthday and I am relieved to report that she is incandescently beautiful. Because it doesn't always happen that way. In fact, so many celebrity offspring defy the genetic odds that one can't help wondering if God is as morbidly obsessed with schadenfreude as I am. How else to explain celebrats that look nothing like Demi Moore and everything like Mr. Potato Head? (Sorry, Rumer Willis, I wasn't going to mention you by name but your fourteen-storey chin demanded it; that thing terrifies me!)

STOP PICKING ON SNOOP BECAUSE HE'S BLACK

Notorious pothead Snoop Dogg has accused Swedish police of racial profiling after he was briefly detained in Uppsala on suspicion of possessing weed. Police pulled him over because he “seemed to be under the influence of narcotics." (Police: Are you Snoop Dogg? Snoop: Yes. Police: GUILTY!) After his release, Snoop hit Instagram to rage that he was arrested because of racial profiling. “They made me pee in a cup – didn’t find shit,” he actually said. (No seriously. He's making this too easy.)

THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR BOTH OF US, HALLE

Halle Berry is embarking on her fourth divorce (this time from Olivier Martinez), and far be it from me to criticize her terrifying track record on relationships because my own track record is just one degree less terrifying than hers. Which leads me to conclude that the problem is not that "Halle Berry can't keep a man," but rather that so few men are worth keeping. Click the pic to see the supportive evidence. You can't argue with science.