I Liked Bacon Before It Became The Radiohead Of Fatty Meat

April 22, 2010

Well, I’m alive – still. And at work – still. I would like to “thank” all of you for your comments yesterday which have now made me paranoid that doom is waiting for me around every corner. Not Dr. Doom or even MF Doom, but literal D-O-O-M! I feel like I’m in the movie Final Destination at all times now. Short circuit in the overhead lighting in my office is going to start a fire, every elevator ride will free fall, I’ll somehow miss a letter typing on the keyboard and get my finger stuck in between the keys and now trapped a series of swinging hammers will fall from the ceiling and I won’t be able to escape in time. So “thank you” for that.

I feel like not much has happened “news” wise this week. A lot of stuff is going on concerning a certain quarterback who plays for a certain NFL team, but I will not mention any of those shenanigans because it has gotten bad. I heard this morning that rapper T-Pain has a video with Sean Hannity where he endorses conservative wins in November. I was thinking of writing about that, but I don’t really want to. I did some research on it and remembered I don’t give a fuck about T-Pain or Sean Hannity. I also found out there is a woman blogger named Sandra Rose who seems like an enormous idiot and a lot of people agree with me on that. But I don’t want to dedicate a post to her and her idiocy or T-Pain’s or Sean Hannity’s.

Instead, let’s take the pulse of the UNIVERSE and check out what are the top 10 trending topics on Yahoo! right now. I frequent Yahoo. It is 1 of the 5 websites I check and recheck approximately a billion times a day while at work. I always find the top 10 fascinating. It ranges usually from actual life altering news to wild absurd stupidity to pop culture fixations. Let’s see what we got going on this morning:

1. Sheep Pig

I had high hopes for this Yahoo! top 10 of trending topics, but nothing of this caliber. SHEEP PIG! I cannot think of any other superhero that deserves its own weekly television series more than SHEEP PIG. Yes, indeed “SHEEP PIG” is a superhero. How could it not be? How could SHEEP PIG not be a superhero? It would defy all logic if SHEEP PIG was not blessed through science a set of mutant abilities that would be perfect for fighting crime or creating crime. And who will sit here among us and claim that SHEEP PIG is a super villain!?! Seriously, who dares say that a SHEEP PIG with a myriad of super sheep/super pig/super human abilities would use them for EVIL!?!

If you hadn’t noticed – one cannot or should not refer to the SHEEP PIG without capitalizing all letters. It is the fucking SHEEP PIG after all! It is neither just sheep or just pig – it is SHEEP PIG! You are no longer Kal-El! You are SUPERMAN! And here is your overweight companion pet SHEEP PIG! He has an amiable contention and is soft to the touch.

I am sorry, but there are two revelations that have been made to me since I started writing this article:

1. I’M AT WORK! – And as mentioned in every other article written this week – SHIT IS BUSY HERE! I am literally surrounded by boxes at the moment that I constructed with my damn human hands and filled with miscellaneous files that need to be kept alive instead of burned like I want to do to them. I WANT TO BURN YOU, FILES!

2. MOTHERFUCKING SHEEP PIG! – Who could’ve guesses that the number 1 trending topic would be something that I would want to discuss to a ridiculously near sociopath-esque length? So, fuck the rest of the trending stories. We’re sticking with SHEEP PIG! … for as much time as I have for the next hour in between packing boxes. SHEEP PIG!

The article “tries” to be cute and funny, “What does sheep-pig bacon taste like? Is sheep-pig wool water-resistant? And how many indie-rock bands will name themselves the Sheep Pigs by the end of the week?”

First, HOW DARE YOU!?! HOW FUCKING DOUBLE DARE YOU!?! Eat the SHEEP PIG? You think you can simply eat a national, nay GLOBAL, treasure like the SHEEP PIG? This is the SHEEP PIG we are talking about here. Not just some pig or some sheep that we can easily slice into bits and chargril over an open fire until it burns away any bacteria before I can sink my teeth into its sweet tender flesh.

But no one EATS the SHEEP PIG! NO ONE! Well, maybe a few people. It really boils down to whomever can defeat the SHEEP PIG has the right to eat the SHEEP PIG. There are basic primal laws that all should be able to follow and one of them certainly has to be when dealing with beings with super abilities that if you best them in battle then you can pretty much do what you want with them. It is a double edged sword having super powers because at any time or any place someone is allowed to fight you if they choose. It isn’t a crime to try and fight Spider Man, you know. Most likely you’ll lose, but it definitely isn’t a punishable offense in the eyes of the criminal court. Spider Man has more than enough abilities that whatever fight you bring to him he should be able to properly defend himself.

And in this same logic, I’m saying if you beat Spider Man then you have the right to EAT Spider Man. Ask Venom or Carnage or the Lizard Man or Louie Anderson – I think they would all agree with me that is fair. And they’re the only type of people who really stand a chance against Spider Man. So if they beat’em they can eat’em.

Second, why would you want to eat SHEEP PIG? As mentioned, SHEEP PIG is a national/global treasure. SHEEP PIG is an interplanetary treasure. Do you deny this? Do you deny that the people on Pluto like SHEEP PIG? The Pluto people do not love SHEEP PIG? The Plutatians hate SHEEP PIG!?! Of course not. The people of the planet Pluto love SHEEP PIG. And don’t get me started on Pluto and whether or not it is a planet. Oh it’s a planet.

Third, the question we’re all wondering – what does Kristen Stewart think of SHEEP PIG?

21 Responses to “I Liked Bacon Before It Became The Radiohead Of Fatty Meat”

“And in this same logic, I’m saying if you beat Spider Man then you have the right to EAT Spider Man.” This is a revelation for me. Now I have to start considering superheroes and villains in order of potential tastiness. Obviously you don’t want to defeat anyone metallic, that’s not going to taste good at all. I’m leaning toward animal-like creatures, I think, like Cat Woman or Sabretooth. Maybe Colossus, because if you killed him you could eat for weeks. Spider-man’s out, because I don’t want to be eating anyone/thing venomous or radioactive.

Are we equating hotness with deliciousness? Becuase that seems to be a thing. ‘I would just eat them up’, ‘they are a tasty morsel’, etc. In which case, mmmmm Kitty Pride.
Also, there was a series called Marvel zombies, in which all the characters became zombies and ate one another.

On second thought, maybe an animal that “ain’t got sense enough to disregard its own feces” is better off with smooth skin that can be hosed off. I don’t like to imagine a wooly creature rolling around in poop.

Cool (and by cool I mean tragic) story: my Mom’s old boss wanted to be a gentleman farmer. The kind of city-grown person who loves animals and thinks that running a farm can’t be all that hard. So he bought some land, and bought some animals and got right to the task of making everything really efficient. He noticed that the big sow he’d purchased liked to roll around in the mud with her piglets, but you know, it made her really dirty. So he had the bright fucking idea of putting a concrete pad in her pen so they could hose it out occasionally. Keep it clean, you know.

Turns out that sows roll over on their piglets all the time when they’re feeding, sleeping, what-not. And if they have a natural dirt/mud pig pen like Old MacDonald intended, the piglets kind of sink down into it when Mama rolls over on them, and they’re unharmed. If she rolls over them while they’re all laying on CONCRETE, it’s a much, much, much, much less pretty picture. 14 squished piglets later, the gentleman farmer decided to ask for farming advice before he got all creative next time.

I’m not sure why I am awake right now since clearly I should still be asleep, but I think you’ve completely lost your marbles. Sheep pig (no caps) is a hybrid of two animals. Two animals that I LIKE TO EAT. Why would I not want to eat a sheep pig? I feel confused since I am pretty sure you have mentioned before your love of meat and eating it. Also, sheep pig is a sham. A more accurate name for sheep pig would really just be hairy pig. There are no other sheep like qualities about it than that, and I would actually go so far as to argue that many pigs are already hairy anyways. Sorry to crush any sheep pig dreams out there.

Although the white fluffy one is pretty cute. And you gave him some sweet sneakers which was nice.

We have Sheep Pigs now? Shit be crazy!
Questions. I recently (last night) met and hung out with one of my favourite bands. Which famous people have you met? And they don’t have to be heaps famous, just people you admire/want to touch.
Favourite beer?
Does this look infected to you?

Oh yes, that reminds me Jordan, what’s your Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon connection? I’ve been meaning to pin that down, and SHEEP PIG day seems appropriate. My own path goes through Peggy Fleming and I’ve been meaning to upgrade that. Keep in mind I’ll need you to come in under five* because I’m just going to make you my first (Degree?) if yours is better.

Now we’re talkin. Your topics this week have made me feel dumb and uninformed, but SHEEP PIG? This is a concept I can grasp. There was some philosopher (Hegel?) that made a big deal out of the idea that we can only imagine things that are made of components that we understand. For example, we may never have seen a green dog, but we understand “green” and “dog” as separate concepts, so we therefore can imagine a green dog. In that same way, I understand SHEEP PIG. I was sincerely hoping for a true hybrid, borne of some Romeo-and-Juliet style farmyard loving, but it looks like this is just a wooly pig. Which makes me think of Wooly Bully, which makes me think of Fast Times at Ridgemont High, which makes me think of Phoebe Cates and her red bikini, which makes me think of Judge Reinhold, which makes me think of Mock Trial with Judge Reinhold from Arrested Development. Six degrees of separation between SHEEP PIG and Arrested Development. This is what I do with my brain all day.

Normally I try to avoid the phrase “farmyard loving” at all costs, but seeing it here made me accidentally laugh a piece of cupcake into my lungs. I went from Hegel to Katherine Heigl to Knocked Up to Paul Rudd. Then I just kind of parked there for a while.

question:
what would you do if you woke up and tom cruise was staring at you holding a banana? not eating the banana. not doing anything sexual or inappropriate with it. just holding a banana. i mean lets face it, this is not that far-fetched.

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