life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say "Don't talk like that!"

Sunday, August 29, 2010

My adult life has included the respectable roles of daughter, wife, mother, grandmother. Each role had well-defined tasks that were judged by how well I took care of others. If they gave grades, I suspect I would pass.

However, if my life is graded by how well I took care of me, I fail.

When I was afraid, I hid in the roles I knew I could pass.

I am searching for a new role.

I am searching for the life and passion that comes from knowing why I am here. The passion that explodes with the energy I so desperately need.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

I wish I could go back to the time when my sibling relationships were easy.

We have been forever united by Christmas Eve dinners, kick the can, squirming in the family pew, long bike rides, Betty's fried chicken and spaghetti-os. Of course there is also the strongest bond (not a blood relationship) that unites all siblings, the unfair household chores imposed by heinous parental tyranny.

Time passed and our lives filled up with money, marriages, divorces, deaths, and religion and we lost the real magic that only of brothers and sisters can know.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Every now and again, in a fearful moment, I feel the weight of my own judgment and wonder if I would do things differently if I could start all over again?

I honestly think I would not change anything, but I am not haughty enough to say that with a great deal of conviction. Everything I have done, right and wrong is responsible for making the person I have become. The person I am is not great, but it is ok.

I am learning that there is no shame in ok. Ok is not perfect but it is relatively free of remorse and regret. Ok is good.

Nature and the universe exhibit the miracle of balance every day. For every night, there will be a day. Even today’s opinionated media exhibits natural balance, for every “Howard Stern” that comes forth, a “Glenn Beck” will erupt. The love and peace that passes all understanding cannot be found in the chaos of the extremes, but in the gentle landscape of balance.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

A hostile heart failure coupe has taken my identity, disrupted my life’s purpose and undermined my self-worth. It was a fast and incredibly effective onset and in a state of upheaval and disbelief, I was unable to mount an effective defense. “Cheryl, the victim” consumed me.

Confusion is this disease’s weapon of choice as it hurls a barrage of mixed messages.

My heart is the primary source of love and life but my heart is dying.

A primary care doctor can order and Medicaid will pay for a mammogram and a colonoscopy to look for a disease I do not have, but severely limits cardiologist visits’ for a disease that I do have.

I am told go immediately to the ER for the slightest chest pain but I am sent to the free clinic to reduce hospital visits.

I have a very small balance left on my 2010 Medicaid outpatient services allowance, and turned away by doctors because of it, but have an almost unlimited hospital budget and a very generous hospice allowance.

I am consistently challenged by the rules and regulations of Medicaid, embarrassed that it has become my only option but grateful that it is available.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

This failing heart tries to convince me that I no longer have the strength or courage to accomplish a significant life.

I need to recognize that these times can be my best teacher. If I can transform these destructive situations into learning experiences, I will become confident enough to actively pursue the life that continues to evolve with meaning and purpose.

Discounting my feelings and fears insures that life’s most valuable lessons will never be learned.

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. I embrace my failing heart as my teacher

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Life is throwing curves, one after another. Finances, family and home hurl crisis after crisis. I long for normalcy but find myself in situation after situation that can best be labeled as uncharted lunacy.

I am counseled to relax, avoid stress and take it easy, while I watch our finances, home and family literally crumble around me.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

I am a Florida girl, one of the few born and bred in the sunshine state. Our typical TV weather always include coastal ocean reports, not just the normal tidal information and water conditions for boaters and fishermen but regular rip current warnings for swimmers, too. Rip currents are incredibly strong irregular narrow currents that appear sporadically and surge through the surf from the beach directly out to sea. Many coastal drowning deaths are attributed to swimmers caught in these invisible erratic currents.

It is impossible to fight the intensity of the fast moving waters by swimming directly against the current into shore. Rip currents are normal occurring situations that can overwhelm even the strongest swimmers. However, the TV weatherman consistently reminds us that there is an easy way out of this extremely dangerous situation if we resist the natural urge to get to shore right away and do not panic.

Swim parallel to the shore. Get out of the strong current. Do not fight it head on.Once out of the current then turn and swim easily back into the shore.

I feel like I am caught in a rip current, expending all of my precious energy while still being pulled out to sea. This morning’s coastal rip current report and reminder to swim parallel to the shore was the perfect metaphor! It is time to resist my natural urges to get everything back the way it used to be. If I resist my natural urges to be my old self and do not panic when I cannot live up to the old expectations, then I can figure out how and what I want this life to be, without swimming directly against this heart failure current.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

As a traveling outdoor art festival artist, you can imagine how my life changed post MI. Actually, the economy had already done a number on it; the heart attack finished it off. I miss my gypsy life! However, I missed creating even more.

Tonight is my first exhibition (at a local gallery, with six other wonderful women) and I am scared to death. In the past, my work has been about pretty pictures that appealed to potential buyers. www.cherylevans.net

This work is about my journey. Sometimes dark, sometimes wishful, none of it pretty.It is a new artistic voice and it is very different from what it used to be. What if they all expect to see the old stuff?I am terrified!

I cannot survive in the dark WHAT IFWhen the magic and light is here NOW

Friday, August 6, 2010

It took some time to wrap my head around this physical situation and I will freely admit, there are days that the simple medical explanations still escape my understanding. However, the understanding that eludes me on a regular basis is the emotional part of this disease.

I find brief periods of peace, and what I certainly feel is the beginning of the final long-term understanding only to have it slip away.

I wonder if I will ever truly comprehend the meaning of this disease and my life. The one true understanding I have is that if I quit trying, I never will understand it.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

There is a fine line between reality and depression! The trick is to figure exactly where that line is and then precariously balance my life on it. Just like an acrobatic tightrope walker, I am hoping that time and practice will help me achieve a better sense of balance.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I expected doctors to respect and care about me. I expected medications to improve quality of life, not just add to the length of the disease.I expected emotional support to accept and cope with a terminal disease.

Unmet expectations have been my biggest emotional enemy and the source of profound disappointment.

I am learning to take responsibility for the unrealistic expectations that I have created. I am learning that I have the strength and intelligence to eliminate these expectations.I am learning that the only person I can expect anything from, is me.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

I wonder how much depression I endure simply because I am afraid of failure.

My unconscious plan to protect myself from failure was wonderfully simple. Do not attempt normal (pre heart attack) life! It was a sure bet, if I did not attempt it, I could not fail!

Unfortunately, my unconscious effort to thwart failure, guaranteed I would not succeed either.The more I resisted failure the more depressed I became.The more depressed I became the more I resisted failure.

What if… the lack of success (not the lack of failure) enables depression?

What if… failure is the only way to produce those sweet sweet successes?

Monday, August 2, 2010

I am finding that my best prescription does not come from a pill bottle! I do not need a doctor’s prescription or another trip to the pharmacy. All I need is a change in beliefs! My heart is doing the best job it can, it may not be perfect or strong but it allows me to do anything I want to do and that is enough for me. I am fine! (just a little slower)

Sunday, August 1, 2010

A year ago, I did not think about what I expected from my life, but I am certain it was not this. In addition to dealing with this physical disease, I am grieving the loss of the life I expected even though I never truly defined the life I expected.

The gift (yes I said gift) of heart failure is the emotional healing that seems to begin as I am able to identify specifically what I have lost. Just as my physical losses were diagnosed through medical tests before a treatment can begin, my emotional expectations and losses have to be identified, before solutions can be found.

The REAL healing begins as I admit and accept that this life is less than I expected.

The beach & flying my kite!

i want to see legal gay marriage everywhere

ROAD TRIP!!!Dave Matthews Band Tampa 2014

Take art classes-practice my craft develop more creative skills

My very first self-portrait...does not look much like me, but it has all of the right words.

Have a Sill String Fight!

Get a tattoo

tattooed my foot so I never never forget how strong I have to be! My friend thinks I should have "scared shitless" tattooed on the other foot!

i want to write a book

it is not a big book, but it is a published book! http://www.blurb.com/b/4868136-life-love-art-heart-failure-assorted-ramblings

I FINALLY graduated from college with BA in Arts Administration!

YAY......ME!!! December 2013

Swim in a Fountain! City of Casselberry...

thank god, the camera battery died!

Paint EVERYWHERE!

Painted a baby grand piano with great art friends

The Mondrian Piano! with embedded QR codes!

Dave Matthews Band concert with the boys!

and Grey Street was the encore...Woo-Hoo!

Bucket List #7 DMB with both of my boys!

Bucket List #36-C....... AND WE HAVE TICKETS 7-17-2013 we are going!

Do nude nite

And I have....2013-2014 & 2015

And I have....I have. It just gets better and more fun every year!

Nude Nite 2016

Nude Nite 2015 with the "Girls" Both pieces sold...woo-hoo!

So...I am not allowed to post these videos on Youtube...so you can access them directly on my One Drive...it will take you off of this site to watch....sorry

Nude Nite 2015

Pirates and Picasso

woo-hoo...it was awesome. click image for video

have a dirty little secret! ooo-la-la!

......and that is all I am going to say about it!

Bucket List...STILL WORKING ON IT

i want to go skinny dipping at night

i want to learn how to blow glass

Doodle on my shoes....

The Cinderella Scenario

i want to let balloon secrets fly

i want to drive a convertable on a winding mountain road

i want to NOT care what others think

i wanto to kiss with pop-rocks!

Dance on the table

I want to ride in the front of the airplaine or a limosine just once!

i want to change someone's life

they say I do....but I need to change more!

Paint Balloon darting

i want to go to an old fashion drive-in movie!

i want to see and catch fire flies!

i want to die with NO regrets

Just one amazing....

See this moon rise

and my "Core Desire Feelings"

for every situation...there is a suitable line from a song!

Headphones on

Heart of a Hero! Got myself a new "happy I am dancing my butt off song"! Woo-hoo!

After 23 years...My last Artist's Way Group

Summer 2017

Celebrate!

2016 Summer Artist Way Group Opening Reception

2016...Woo-Hoo!

Beast Feast 2016

Me, Terry, Mary & Ernie....High school buds!

Flagler Beach 2016

Yep....That's ME, too!

Purple polka dots! Woo-hoo

Dale Fox photography

Checking it out!

First Look after Open Heart Surgery 8/2015

A Different Voice..This is not about end of life, it is about LIFE!

My Guys!

at Darren's shipboard Wedding

HOLY CRAP...I am one of the top 20 art mentors in the country! Professional Artist Magazine

Such an incredible honor! Thank you!

A Woman's Heart!

A Finger, Two Dots, Then Me

I finally did it...and with honors, too!

Did not go to my college graduation, BA in Arts Administration, UMASS earlier this year, but my honor society chords arrived in the mail today....what a great surprise! They are not quite as impressive without the cap and gown, but very nice to have them anyway! Thank you UMASS!

Sometimes.....I can pretend to be a responsible adult....but it rarely lasts very long!

Fine Artist Creativity Facilitator

Opening Exhibition Toast

Yes that is champagne straight out of the bottle....ooops! caught me!

Thank you 2015...

Thank you 2014!

My Dark Angel

My sculpture with an ancient Sufi Poet

If I were queen, I would....

wear my "kicking this shit happy heart crown" I made...all of the time!

Flagler Beach Summer 2014

2015 AW Install

2014 Artist's Way Celebration of Creativity

Hokey Pokey Newbie Initiation

Artists Way 2013 "HOKEY POKEY" & "DECONSTRUCTION"

Every new members of the Artist's Way Group dances the Hokey Pokey before their exhibit! Welcome to all the new phenomenal creaties I have had the honor of spending my summer with!

2014 Begins with "The Desire Map" Book Group

What a great way to begin the year!

2013 a Phenomenal Year!

2013 Artist's Way Exhibition

Leesburg Artist's Way- Umbrellas

Orlando Sentinel

Leesburg Artist Way-Umbrellas

Beast Feast

Leesburg Center for the Arts Fundraiser with my handsome Dad.

Art & Music in the Park

Pairings Leesburg Art Center

Orlando Sentinel

Cheryl Jones Evans

Sanford Herald

The Art Shows!

Pairings 2012- Leesburg

Leesburg Daily Commercial

Leesburg Art Festival Poster Artist

The Boys are Married!!

BOTH of them!

Jason & Steph

Darren & Jill

Search This Blog

The Official F#ck it Bucket List!

The Official F#ck it Bucket

#1 The TOP #1...was just upstaged by a new and ultimate #1 "Fuck it" Doctors...Tests....Doctors....Tests...Doctors offices....hospitals....make them all go away!!! PLEASE

#2 Whiners...ooooops, I may have just blown this one!

#3 Waiting Rooms...refer to #1

#4 Bible Thumpers

#5 My physical body that will not do what I want it to do! Damn!

#6 Civic Ignorance and politics...ELECTIONS.....grrrrrr!

#7 Unavoidable NAP attacks

#8 S-ICD implanted right under bra elastic....not gonna kill me but...it is like having that "hockey puck" smashed into my ribs all day it feels like I am wearing a rock in my bra...

yeee-ouch!

#9 Learning how to forgive myself...I am really bad at it! How do we learn how to metabolize hurt, grief and pain so that it becomes a good thing in our lives????