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Hi everyone, sorry for my disappearance after my last post. Nothing bad has happened we had a bit of an impromptu trip to southern California/Disneyland.

So my first three betas were; 38, 83, 516 so they doubled as hoped.

All I can think about for the last two days is that I am not sure if I am still pregnant. Why, because my cramps are subsiding and I don’t have morning sickness. My appetite has changed back to relatively normal. Sure there are other symptoms still there like my sore boobs, I haven’t felt my boobs up this much this often in my life, I strangely feel like a 12-year-old boy who is feeling boobs for the first time. Why do I feel them up so much… to see if I am still pregnant crazy I know but it’s my symptom. Food has not really been amazing but I did have a strange craving for famous Ann’s chocolate chip cookies, how I know this is a craving is that never in my life have I wanted them. We were at whole foods when the craving came on so I bought some whole foods brand thinking this will work…WRONG. Went to target and found a box, I even opened the box (ok my husband opened the box) I eat the cookies in the store. While some of you might not think twice about doing this I have been big on never doing this because I was traumatized by my aunt at a young age.

I am going nuts over not knowing if this baby is there and is going to stick around. I even start to get some serious mood swings over it. They last about 10minutes and poor hubby gets the blunt of them. Oh other side effect that I don’t know is common but I am running so hot. I could live in an ice box and still be hot. Oh and I have itchy skin all over and if I scratch they turn into bumps. Does anyone else itch? I lathered up in lotion which helped some.

My first u/s is next Wednesday I should be 7.5 weeks. My friend and my hubby both think I should ask to come in sooner to help ease my nerves. But I am really trying hard to stick it out. Though I may lose my mind it will be worth it right!!!???? OMG I had a very graphic nightmare last night that I had M/C. Oh my gosh I woke up with a racing heart and great fear. To make matter worse I lied to my hubby again and told him I didn’t know what my nightmare was about. Why did I lie he wouldn’t of been mad or anything, its long to be a long week.

I am now going to go finish the box of cookies and take my 2nd prenatal. I got new ones from the health food store and they don’t make me burp B12 or fish and thus I will take them.

Fellow TTC’ers once you get a BFP the battle just begins while I am not sad and depressed like the end of most cycles I am going crazy trying to control my emotions of not getting too excited and emotions of is it over.

Oh my goodness, I really enjoyed all the great feedback I got from everyone after my last post. It was so awesome to be able to tell people because we have only told three other people that are close to us and know that we have been TTC (none are family, that’s the next post). You are all so wonderful.

First to the blood test results, I just got the actual numbers from the OB today. I did the first draw on Tuesday afternoon after I got the Positive HCG test. The Hcg level on Tuesday was on the low side of the scale at 38 but my doctor was happy that by Thursday (48hrs later) the level doubled. Ii do not have the number yet for the Thursday test. All I know is she was satisfied and asked if I wanted to retest on Monday to see if the number double x2 by then. Of course I want too!! I need to know now if this is a sticky baby and not something to get my hopes up too high over. Does anyone think I should worry of the low HCG level??

Now onto things I have done that I probably shouldn’t have done.

First I had a scare Thursday night. I woke up around midnight from stomach pains that were even in my dreams!! I thought maybe my stomach was upset then I thought the worst. I did have some ever so slight bright pink spotting, which only fueled the fear fire. I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t control thinking the worst was about to happen. I decided to watch the Grey’s anatomy I had recorded earlier in the night and it didn’t help that was the episode where Grey falls down the stairs nine months pregnant and then goes into labor (sorry if I just spoiled it for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet). I was encouraged to go back to sleep with the Hubby and was able to fall back to sleep. First thing I did when I opened my eyes was to check things out. Good news everything was back to normal aka no more spotting. The worst part of the whole incidence was for some reason when my hubby asked if I was spotting was that I lied and said no. Why??? I don’t know, I guess I didn’t want to scare him too. How long before I stop checking for AF?? I do it every time which has increased because of the frequent pee trips to the bathroom.

Second thing I did which I know is a big no no is I bought this maternity dress from Target that I had previously spotted and liked and wanted but I wasn’t pregnant. This time hubby couldn’t say you’re not pregnant so shouldn’t get it. Not only did I buy it but I paid full price, again something I don’t love to do because I swear everything goes on sale at target after I buy it. Oh but wait I also scoped out the sale rack which I love to do and found another maternity top marked way down to less than ten buck so I had to buy it too. While the TTC’er in me knows this could bring bad karma the frugal part of me was satisfied. I know i probably wont be that big this summer but i still like it! Oh and i cant wear it to class yet because the pregnant girl in class has the same dress, and yes i was envious when i saw her wearing it after i had already wanted it.

While I know those are no no’s we have also been getting a little ahead of ourselves with thinking in the future. We have been trying for so long and all that time I have worked so hard in not thinking too far in the future but as soon as I saw that positive (once the shock wore off) I let all those what if’s and now we can’s come flooding in. For heaven’s sake it’s only been four days and I don’t even feel pregnant and I am already thinking of this and that and all the things we have to start doing right now. Don’t laugh but on that list is; start buying diapers and wipes, the room we would like for our child is the storage room/gym and so we need to switch all those things to another room, I need to clean the house top to bottom before I get nausea or too big, MONEY, do we buy a house now or wait etc…. My hubby is less than thrilled, in fact I have him cleaning the carpets and the couches right now, to be fare they needed to be done now either way.

Also sorry for taking so long to post, but Thursday I kind of over did it running errands and had a bad night sleep so I laid on couch pretty much all day.

Not sure if I will keep this up but here are the week 4updates:

Symptoms: Sore boobs, peeing frequently, and hot flashes (not sure if this is pregnancy related but it keeps happening)

Thank you all for being so supportive it really makes me so very happy.

Tuesday AM when i still had not seen AF i decided to do a HCG test. Nothing to abnormal right, another cycle another preg test. Well to be utter shock i got a BFP.

If you have been following my last few post i had written this cycle off and was looking into IVF. So i think i still don’t believe it to be true and either does hubby. Really i still keep check to see if Af is coming and with every lil cramp i think “Oh there it is”. I emailed my OB and she sent in for blood work. Which i still haven’t received the results from. However this morning i had another positive and tomorrow i go in for the 48hr blood work. Fingers crossed my numbers are doubling!! it will be a big hurdle for us to reach.

I we are in shock and it really isn’t sinking in. In fact when i showed hubby the positive test he went back to sleep after (WTF). I really don’t want to put the cart before the horse so i am not going to let myself get too emotionally attached as we all know so many things can happen in the next few weeks. I was going to wait to post this tomorrow or when we get some blood work confirmation but couldn’t hold it in.

We are happy but in shock and even a little what did we do. I guess this is what happens when you TTC. After nearly and a half and seven IUI’s countless meds we have a BFP. I cant tell you how strange it is to get to write this post, after reading so many others and slightly loosing a bit of hope with each passing cycle. I hope other TTC’ers find hope that it can and will happen for them too. I know it can be hard to read these post, but this is just as much a new journey of uncertainties starting for me.

I really hate to jump the gun but i am starting to think it would be wise to skip injectables and go straight for IVF. We are not rich by any means and really neither of these are a great financial option. What happens when you spend a couple of grand out of pocket for injectables and it fails and then you have to move onto IVF but you have already spent so much on the injectables. How do you decide??

I really do trust the medical field but i also feel that everyone needs to be there own advocate. I think i am scared of not having many more options at this point. I also feel as though i am racing the clock and our budget.

So for those of you whom follow me you know i see and OB for my treatments (mainly because its covered my insurance). November of last year i saw the RE for the first time and she asked that we do two more IUI with my OB as the treatment plan would be the same with her except insurance wouldn’t cover it with her. Well on the third IUI after i saw her i realized i needed to push for the LAP because i thought i had ENDO, guess what i was right. Since then we where optimistic that we might now be able to conceive after the endo removal. We are currently on out second IUI after the LAP and Tues is the end of the TWW. However i am not feeling optimistic that i am going to get a BFP. Really i am feeling like i need to push for the next level of medications (injectables). I have decided to ask my father for the money to cover the cycle and to see how it goes.

I called the RE’s office and we have an appointment for May 14! That will be one week into my next cycle. i don’t want to skip a cycle because of the endo so i will continue on with Fermara from my OB. They also want more labs done and labs for the Hubby. I guess the labs for the hubby are standard for working with his samples basic infectious diseases.

My husband says i am pregnant so all this is wasted effort. I am not so sure my boobs are starting to feel sore and my appetite has changed all signs AF is almost here. I am preparing for it this time. I need to get everything out of the way so when it comes i am not struggling with emotions and pain that interfere with my life activities. I know this is negative of me but i am trying to avoid the hurt that is going to come.

This month is going to be a good action packed month for me and the hubby. He is on vacation so we are going to drag our butts out and have adventures everyday. The dogs will reap the rewards!

My posting has been quite erratic as of late due to the fact that when writing a research paper my focus is on gettin er’ done. When i last left off we where getting ready for IUI number 8 but at this point i have stopped counting even count the cycle because we are on cycle 17 what i am count is the number of cycle past the LAP. Our window to conceive after the LAP is about 6-8 months and we are in month two which scares me. The fright comes from if its going to happen and the unknown if it doesn’t (no game plan in 6 months). I am trying hard to stay positive and that it will happen! What will be will be.

Since the IUI my hubby has been very vocal about how hopeful he is this cycle. Normally he doesn’t really say much and the other night before we fell asleep he said he hopes we are pregnant this time. Then he keeps making jokes about my belly being his baking making machine. I casually laugh it off in hopes it really comes true. He also has brought the fact he really want just one of ours to be walking around. So sweet. I have yet to let his possible disappointment in infertility affect me because i am sure it would devastate me.

So far i have started the wonderful progesterone suppositories and last night the vivid bad dreams started! The worst part of the progesterone is the grossness but next tot hat is the horrible bad dreams it gives me. I awake from the bad dreams multiple times a night and usually i am hot and my heart is beating fast. In the end i can handle both those bad side-effects if it gives me the one BEST side-effect of a baby.

I am also working on my zen (less stress). I really try to avoid things that are going to get to me or at least I handle them in ways that are not going to effect me by stressing me out. So far I think I am doing a great job, but I am sure hubby might think differently.

Oh one thing i am not handling is the announcements of more pregnancies all around me! My misery needs company people!!! I mentions awhile back that a girl in my course is pregnant and she is about 7 months along luckily she is not all over the top about it and she keeps her misery (excuses) to a minimum. However another girl is accidentally pregnant, she thought she was done with her three kids and lo and behold she is pregnant again. While at first i was not over joyed because I worried I was going to have to watch her belly grow and not my own. but then last Tues she announced she is going to be leaving the coarse and switching to a different school. Though i wasn’t relived because i like her and wished she would stick around. THEN…. the girl next to be turns and asks if i have kids, i said no, she said GOOD and to wait as long as possible. I felt the urge to say i am an infertile climbing up my throat, and i swallowed several time in order to keep my embarrassment to myself. I responded if it happens it happens, then the subject changed. This was not isolated conversation though, it happened again with a different girl who i am bit more familiar. She wants a second baby and her husband doesn’t because the first is in her words their daughter is a terror. HHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i wanted to scream that i would be happy with a terror i would cherish my child either way but didn’t. AND then another couple asked if we have kids my hubby said we are trying (which i thought was cute) then they followed by we should meet there old because he will make us not want them. OH yeah and my friend that had her baby in Feb (she was my TTC buddy) told me she is not sending me pics or updates because she doesn’t think it will make my happy.

Low and behold i realize i need some new TTC buddies who aren’t pregnant, i need company and empathy. As much as i am so very happy to read about all my fellow TTC bloggers i am said that i am feeling more alone than ever on this journey. Though i find hope in there BFPs so keep em comin!

As i write this i am feeling a bit hormonal and on the decline of emotions as compared to this morning! Maybe i am crashing from the coffee i snuck in this AM.

Currently I am supposed to be writing a research paper however focusing hard on the topic is very unappealing. For the last two days the wind has been stirring up my allergies. While TTC especially near ovulation you can’t take just any allergy meds because they will dry you up. Thus I have none of the meds in my house besides Benadryl which would put me to sleep. The only symptom is that I have a sinus pressure headache. No running nose at the moment so I am opting to take Mucinex (non-drying out agent). This is a win win for me it should relive the pressure in my sinus and make my CM extra slimy for my impending ovulation.