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About Me

Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog.
My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades!
I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can.
So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Bad Dream - Bad Thoughts

I woke this morning, after having had a bit of a bad dream.... It wasn't really a nightmare, or bad dream in the sense of disastrous, scary or anything like that. More of an emotionally bad dream which had an upsetting affect on my day. It's funny how we allow things which we know are not true or not real to have an impact on our reality. But there we go. Today I did.

In the dream I was sitting in Church when a lady came forward to "give a word" - it wasn't a lady I knew, more of a faceless woman who had something to say. And her words were the things which had an affect on me, "You know, there are people who just seem to be amazing at everything, you know, people who just seem to be blessed in so many ways, like **my name**. She can write, has had a book published, she can teach and preach, she can sing, she can organise... and yet, God seems to be withholding His greatest blessing from her life...The gift of her own child. We have to wonder why!"

She didn't get any further, as she was bundled away from the front of the Church, the mic taken off her, and my friends gathered around me - I'm not sure if it was to stop me scratching her eyes out, or what - but that was the dream. I woke up. And these words have stuck with me all day.

I know they weren't physically spoken to me, but I know that they are a spiritual taunt. And I have to admit, there are times when I have wondered this. Why God has blessed me abundantly in so many ways, and yet why He seems to be holding out on this. The word of God says, "No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly" (Psalm 84:11). And I know I walk as uprightly as any of us can on any given day in this fallen world. I'm not perfect. None of us are.

But here I am, a little over three weeks away from having laparoscopic salpingostomy. Facing the prospect that for Hubby and me, this operation is last chance saloon, because we don't have any other options. What if, even after this surgery God still withholds His greatest gift from me. How does a woman learn to live with that.

I know there have been words of encouragement and prophecy spoken over me recently, but as I said, this morning's dream has had an affect. And there are days when we are faced with our own immortality - for we are not God, no matter how far science advances. God alone is God.

2 comments:

I'm following your story and praying for you. For what it's worth, I believe that God loves to give good gifts to His children. He loves you so, so much and promises to give you the desires of your heart. Keep trusting. Any dream that leaves you with fear or unease is definitely not from Him - I am quite, quite sure that God is not witholding a baby from you for any punitive reason. Push it out of your mind.I wish I could say something that would help, and I hope you don't mind me commenting. Sending you much love and supporting you in prayer. x

Thank you Helen,I firmly believe, with you, that God loves to give good gifts to His children... it's so in His nature to give. This was one of those occasions when the enemy likes to get in an have a scratch at that open wound. But thank you for the reminder - I really appreciate you taking the time to give me this encouragement - in this Journey, it has been a huge blessing to know God has people supporting me. xx

The Journey

In August 2011, a year after my ex and I were married, we decided we were ready to try for a family. But in 2015, the journey was suddenly ended, and in 2016 we divorced.

Some of you reading this may think, "why keep such a personal blog online?" As I am a writer, I found it easier to write how I felt, and over the years was encouraged to know God used my struggle to offer support to others who read my posts.

For a subject which is often still taboo among Christians, because of the huge challenge to our faith, and our idea of who God is, I have decided to keep this blog online, knowing that my fears, my thoughts, my frustrations still remain today, even though I find myself single again.

The purpose of this blog originally was as an outlet to formulate into words my inner thoughts. It has since become a tool God uses for people like you walking through the loneliness of infertility.

May you find hope and encouragement, even if it's just in knowing you're not alone.