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If DSM Existed for Animals..

My father is a veterinarian who runs his own practice in Pennsylvania. I’m extremely lucky, because whenever my cat, Awol, has any issues, I call him on the phone for advice or carry her reluctant self in the cat carrier to my dad’s clinic. Recently, I noticed hairless, white patches with red, inflamed bumps on Awol’s belly and legs. Worried that her skin was under attack by a nasty infection, I hurried her to my dad’s to see what was going on. My dad examined her for a few minutes, before announcing that she had a bad case of hyper-grooming.

Me: “Hyper-grooming, dad? You mean…, my cat is high maintenance?”
(Damn it, I knew this already. She refuses to eat anything other than Fancy Feast and demands to be brushed 20 times a day.)
Dad: “Well, that’s one way of putting it.”
Me: “So it’s almost like a form of obsessive compulsive disorder?”
Dad: “Yes very much so.”

The Underbelly Fruits of Awol’s Hypergrooming

I thought about Awol’s hyper-grooming issues and decided that if she were human, she’d be diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and maybe even trichotillomania, which is the obsessive pulling out of hair. Then she’d probably be prescribed an antidepressant, which is commonly used for treating OCD, and sent home from the doctor’s office to see if the medication worked. Of course, Awol’s a cat, so her concerning behavior, though temporarily categorized as hyper-grooming, would undoubtly fade into a “Cats just being cats” explanation.Still, I couldn’t help but wonder about a world where the DSM, the bible for diagnosing psychiatric illnesses, applied not only to humans, but to animals to. I brainstormed about old pets, current pets, cartoon animals, animals under my father’s care through the years, zoo animals and even famous creatures. The following list is what I came up with:

1) ALL DOGS
DIAGNOSIS: Binge Eating Disorder

2) ALL CATS
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

3) SOME CATS
DIAGNOSIS:Antisocial Personality Disorder

4) PARROTS
DIAGNOSIS:Multiple Personality Disoder and
Tourettes.

5) HAMSTERS
DIAGNOSIS: Bulimia Nervosa

6) CATS IN HEAT
DIAGNOSIS: Okay, since the new DSMV, which comes out in 2013, made premenstrual dysphoria disorder its own mental illness for females, I’ll dub the Kits-in-Heat as the mental illness equivalent in cats.

16) TILIKUM( the whale who killed its trainer at Sea World), THE GRIZZLY BEARS WHO ATE TIMOTHY TREADWELL, AND THE MGM LION WHO KILLED HIS VEGAS TRAINER
DIAGNOSIS: All Sociopaths. ( To make this clear, none of these animals were just big and hungry.)

17) ALL SQUIRRELS
DIAGNOSIS: Kleptomania (It’s really a sin how much they steal from the birds.)

18) GEORGE THE DRAGON AND THE SLEEPING DRAGON
DIAGNOSIS: Pyromania

19) ROADKILL
DIAGNOSIS: Pathological Gambling

20) MOST BIRDS
DIAGNOSIS: Mania ( Talk about “Flight of Ideas”)

21) MOST cats
DIAGNOSIS: Delusional Disorder ( Since most have the fixed, false belief that they rule the universe.)

22) SPEEDY GONZALES
DIAGNOSIS: Bipolar Disorder ( his unnatural level of speed would qualify as manic, and you only need one manic phase ( or mania like symptoms) to be called Bipolar.)

23) BLUE FROM BLUE’S CLUES
DIAGNOSIS: Schizoid ( Due to all that eccentricity and magical thinking)

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