Shocking Completion of Long-Term Project Rocks Washington

Breaking: a long-term project in Washington, D.C. that will benefit Republicans and Democrats alike has been successfully completed. The Hill has the shocking news: “The Architect of the Capitol has concluded its five-year, multi-million dollar effort to clear the Capitol power plant utility tunnels of life-threatening hazards, including asbestos and falling concrete.” Just 13 years passed between the discovery of the asbestos and concrete obstacle-course in 1999 and its removal, suggesting a new world record for legislative speed.

Republicans are expected to criticize the wasteful government expenditure; praise the great, hardworking Americans who once produced asbestos on the rolling hills family asbestos farms; and successfully turn the discussion into something about Hollywood liberals. Meanwhile, Democrats, sensing a nearby accomplishment, will panic and flee, taking refuge in the non-carcinogenic utility tunnels of the Capitol power plant.