Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Narcissism Dating

I recently came across an article on The Huffington Post
called “6 Ways to Recognize and Stop Dating A Narcissist” written by their
Chief Love Officer Sandy Weiner. Normally I would avoid such a piece but the
coincidence of locating a “Chief Love Officer” with a suggestive surname was
too much to pass up. Plus, I have a natural affinity for succinct numbered
lists that claim to decode complex psychological problems.

It turns out that narcissists tend to be “charming, exciting,
intoxicating nice guys” whose emotional deficiencies are so well disguised they
lure people into forming “soul connections.” I believe that Mrs. Weiner has
succeeding in sowing seeds of discontent and doubt into even the most
functional of adult relationships. No longer contentdissecting
actual negative behavior, we are now forced to undermine good behavior by
casting suspicion on its origins. Sure Frank may be polite, charming, and treat
you with respect, but what if he is simply playing the relationship long con
and his behavior these last ten years are nothing more than a clever ruse?
Before long I will be reading articles titled, “He may physically and
emotionally abuse you with an unholy fervor, but at least you don’t have to
speculate on whether or not he is a terrible person.”

The article advises that if your man exhibits even just one
of the following symptoms you should “walk away, never to look back and hope
for reconciliation”

When you
express your needs, he gets defensive

When the
going gets tough, he gets going

He gets
angry when you discuss exclusivity

His actions
and words don't match

He runs hot
and cold

Some of
these probably should be sticking points (such as flying into a violent rage
when you request he stops sleeping with all of the hostesses at your local
Olive Garden) but others are irresponsibly open ended. I am not sure you should
run screaming from a first date because you perceive him as sending mixed
signals. Sometimes guys are just nervous and imperceptive, a combination that
doesn’t necessarily indicate chronic narcissism. Don’t get me wrong, there are
early warning signs that should be heeded (he won’t stop asking when your
little sister will be “legal” or he refuses to explain why his roommates call
him “Patient Zero”) and could potentially save someone from wasting time and
energy on a dead end. However, it appears we are now just penning articles
because someone out there might actually be happy operating within an imperfect
union between two flawed people.

More
enlightening than the article was the comment section:

Rita admits
that she dated a narcissist who “threw knives” and she had to “hit over the
head with a pan” so that she could escape while he was dazed.

Robert
explained that men’s self-absorption is simply “looking for cues from
consenting females.”

Daliah
credited the article with reminding her why she “would never get married.”

Mary knew
her ex-fiancée was a narcissist when he objected to her spending money on a
“pony-riding party for her daughter.”

I would
like to address these individually if I can.

Rita-I
believe you misread the article because the real danger is not that a man with
a knife will say one thing and do another; it is that he will do exactly what he says he will do.

Robert -there
is nothing creepier than a grown man admitting that he spends all his time
“looking for cues from consenting females.” Also, I believe you owe Rita an
apology.

Daliah -
there are plenty of legitimate reasons not to get married, but the comment
section of a Huffington Post advice column is not the place to locate them.

Mary – I
can only hope that you did not end a long-term relationship over a disagreement
concerning equine rental fees. I dare
say that it is possible to maintain a healthy monogamous relationship with
someone who expresses a disparate valuation of short term horse leasing.