How to Talk to Your Goldfish About the Fact That You Want Him to Die

So you live in a single and felt like you could use a little company. We understand. You probably thought the responsibility of caring for a goldfish would be manageable. You probably thought would make a cute little companion for your bedside table. But soon enough you had to face the harsh reality that the critter you thought was so cute is actually just a needy little freeloader. It seems that your best option now is to off the sorry sucker.

But wait! Before you get out the hydrochloric acid, we’ve outlined 5 steps to help guide you through that awkward “I want you to die” conversation with your not-so-furry friend so you can encourage him to succumb to a natural death.

1. Make sure he knows that it’s OK to let go
He may believe that giving in to death is a sign of weakness. We cannot stress enough that this is normal. However, you need to make sure he knows that sometimes moving on and letting go is a healthy way to end the pain.

2. ​S​how him you’re going to be fine without him
No self-respecting goldfish is going to want to leave behind a distraught owner. Demonstrate that not only can you survive, but you can flourish without him.

3. ​​Talk him through potential worries and fears
It’s very natural for your fish to believe he’s going to hell. It’s your job to make him realize that wherever he ends up, it has to be better than the plastic cup he’s currently living in.

4. ​Serenade him with Billy Joel’s ‘Only the Good Die Young’
I think you know why this is necessary.

5. ​​Drop the bomb, gently
Now that you’ve cushioned the blow, it’s time to give him the news. A nice “hey buddy, so I know we’ve been through a lot but I’m ready for you to die now” should suffice. He may still seem hurt and confused, but you can take comfort in knowing you’ve done everything you can to make the experience as painless as possible.