The Best And Worst Of Smackdown 4/11/14: Tanned, Light Hair And Lots Of Color

Wrestlemania season isn’t over yet! There’s one more New Orleans WWE show to go!

Pre-show Notes:

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Apparently WWE was afraid its audience wouldn’t know what to think about the past week of programming unless it was filtered through the perspective of one Mr. John Cena, so they had him come out on Smackdown and do a painfully thorough rundown of everything that happened on Wrestlemania and Raw.

Cena talked about the Undertaker’s streak and the Attitude era coming to a definitive end and the ascent of Daniel Bryan. He talked about the rise of Cesaro, The Shield and the upcoming debuts of Bo Dallas and Adam Rose and how the WWE is on the cusp of a new era, then concluded by saying none of it mattered unless they go through him because he’s THE MEASURING STICK JOHN CENA, JACK.

Well John, if you’re the measuring stick I guess most of the locker room can breathe easy. Half the guys wrestle better than you. Most of them are more interesting. Even if we’re strictly kayfabing this, what has John Cena the character done lately? Compete in a lousy mid-card match on Wrestlemania? Take two years to beat The Rock? Measuring stick — f–k you.

WWE

Worst: Oh No! Bray Wyatt Is Going To Drive John Cena To Do Something Extreme At Extreme Rules!

And here it is, everything wrong with Bray Wyatt in a nutshell — a boundary pushing character trapped in a promotion that’s simultaneously a) strictly PG and b) obsessed with empty faux edginess.

Bray is trying to push Cena over the edge, but Cena can’t actually go over the edge, so instead the guy who’s made a career out of throwing guys through ambulance roofs is suddenly afraid to use a chair. The result is a battle of wills over whether John Cena will sell his soul and stoop to the use of, gasp, foreign objects at XTREME RULES THE SUPER RAD SHOW WHERE THE ONLY RULE IS THERE IS NO RULES. Spoiler alert — yes, John Cena will use a weapon at Extreme Rules, and no, it won’t matter because he’s John Cena.

Page 3

Worst: What Am I Supposed To Think About This Cesaro Stuff?

What is going on with Cesaro? They build him up as a good guy for months, finally have him break from Zeb, give him a career-making Wrestlemania moment and then team him with Paul Heyman? The guy who just engineered the end of The Undertaker’s streak? The most hated guy in the company? This is the equivalent of Darth Vader finally dumping the Emperor so he can join up with, I dunno, Space Hitler or something.

It would be one thing if Cesaro was now a definitive heel, but he isn’t. He wrestled most of his match with Big Show on defense like a babyface, then teased going for the GIANT GIANT SWING before being attacked from behind by dastardly heel Jack Swagger. Can’t Cesaro just be a cool guy who beats people up in amazing ways with his super muscles? Speaking of which…

Best: Okay, I Know What To Think About This

How is this even possible? Big Show is like, three times the size of Cesaro, and he’s not made of pillow fluff — dude’s 500 pounds of solid cheeseburgers. We’re in “ant carrying an entire potato chip” territory here. Somebody check if Cesaro has an exoskeleton.

Best: Rybaxel Don’t Always Have To Look Like Clowns?

I’m no great fan of either Ryback or Curtis Axel, but there’s some value in not making these guys look like assholes ever week. There should be some basic underlying logic determining who wins and loses aside from, “Who does Vince like this week?” Goldberg plus 30 pounds of muscle should probably win most of his matches. The technically gifted son of Mr. Perfect should probably win most of his matches. That way when the Usos or whoever beats them, it means something. When Ryback and Curtis Axel fight the stupid comedy matadors I should expect them to win (as they did on Smackdown) because this is supposed to be real. If you’re looking for somebody to lose like clowns, I believe R-Truth and Xavier Woods are still a part of the roster.

Page 4

Worst: Daniel Bryan, Lifelong Hulkamaniac

Okay, sure — Hulk Hogan is totally jazzed brother about Daniel Bryan being World Champion. If he had even a fraction of the power he had in the 80s and 90s he wouldn’t use ever molecule of it to make sure a guy like Bryan never came within a 100 feet of a world title. Right.

And yeah, Daniel Bryan is just the world’s biggest Hulkamaniac. You can tell from all those backrakes and big boots he incorporates into his matches. Shawn who? Kawada-what? William Regal? That jobber? Nope, Hulk Hogan is clearly his biggest inspiration.

Man, it’s not easy being the most insincere segment on a show with John Cena shouting in his southern accent about how excited he is about Bo Dallas and Cesaro, but this one pulled it off. I guess that’s the price of being a top guy in WWE — sometimes you have to pretend to love a thing you could care less about, but WWE thinks is important. And by “sometimes” I mean “every time, all the time”.

Anyways, after the Hogan/Bryan lovefest, Bryan did Hulk’s poses with him while JBL and Cole snickered and verbally eyerolled. Guys, remember how you devoted an entire Wrestlemania to Daniel Bryan? You can’t put the confetti back in the rafters and go back to “Daniel Bryan is a nerd” jokes now.

Best: I’m The One Guy

Show of hands, does anyone else enjoy Wade Barrett in the ring, but find the whole Bad News Barrett shtick consistently unfunny and stupid? No? Just me then?

I’m so glad Barrett is wrestling again. I think the guy’s hugely underrated in the ring — he’s got a great swagger and physicality when WWE isn’t beating the life out of him. I even like his stupid elbow. Before he hits it a big red weak spot appears on him like a Zelda boss exposing it’s final form! How can you not love that? I’ll take another thousand elbows over another serving of d-grade comedy writing from WWE’s failed sitcom writers. Also his new cape looks like he just pulled his grandmother’s curtains down and threw them over his back. Screw the stupid podium, curtains cape forever.

Page 5

Best: FandangEl

YES! Fandangel! Laylango! Fandeever!

Summer Rae has developed into a pretty solid solo performer, but she’s always sucked on ice as Fandango’s dance partner. You know it’s true. She a terrible dancer and her and Fandango’s chemistry make Santemma look like f–king Tracy and Hepburn. You can pretty much draw a direct parallel between Fandango dumping Ann Dango for Summer Rae and Fandango’s spiral into mediocrity.

Will aligning with Layla fire Fandango back to the top? I dunno, but if it involves Layla shaking her butt on a frequent basis I’m on board. Hell, I’m willing to officially declare FandangEl segments Worst-proof if they bring back Layla’s curly hair.

WWE

Worst: What Are You Talking About Paige?

Okay listen, Paige is very pretty and a talented wrestler and I’m glad she’s been called up, but I’m not looking forward to WWE pushing how unique she is. In this video package/promo Paige goes on about how WWE Divas are all tanned, light haired and wear lots of color before cutting to footage of her beating AJ Lee. You know, the longest reining Divas champion ever who’s dark haired and mostly wears black. Also, you’re getting into some dangerous territory going after AJ for her tan. This is the same problem Sheamus has run into — you can’t boast about your differentness when what sets you apart is being extra super Caucasian. Sorry, it just doesn’t work that way.

Aside from the lack of tan, you’re a super attractive legacy wrestler who won the title when you’re barely old enough to drink. You’re lady Randy Orton, Paige — own it. It worked out okay for him.

Best: Brothers in Arm Tattoos

Speaking of Orton, I just have to take a moment to say how happy I am he and Batista have found their way back to one another. On their own both guys can get the job done okay, but kind of feel like they’re missing something. As a duo though, they’re a hairless, flesh-colored dynamic duo — WWE’s version of The Johnsons who have somehow won 18 World Titles between them. If there’s a better duo to face off against an exciting, passionate team on the rise like The Shield I don’t wanna know about it.

Of course we’re all probably hoping for a little too much from this feud. War Games isn’t coming back, and neither is CM Punk, but hey, everyone is in the position they should be, John Cena isn’t sticking his nose into things (yet) and the matches are going to be great even if they don’t take place in a double ring. That’s about all you can ask of WWE. Get ready for a summer of wrestling being good.

I felt the ending was too much of a literalism. From the replay from Main Event through the Shield saving Bryan again and then Bryan saving (?) them in return was too much for me. What’s the purpose of a save in a 3 on 3 match? What’s the purpose of a save when Kane alone trying to attack three people? He got zero chance even with attacking them from behind. They were six against three! (if the Usos were still crawling somewhere around the ring). And Bryan orchestrating the triple powerbomb was more heelish than not. I dunno It took away much of the raw ending enthusiasm from me.

it didn’t take any of the RAW ending fire for me, because good guys outnumbering bad guys by itself isn’t morally wrong. (and only confusing, illogical writing makes me hate things in wrestling. (well, lazy or boring excution of it also can, sometimes…))

this cena/wyatt feud was completely the opposite of what I was hoping for.

sure, we got bray wyatt in cena’s shirt and cena in a sheep mask, along with that AWESOME video package for them! also, cena/harper was great. but the rest sucked so bad that it got it all down for me.

you know what I’d like to see for it going forward? WWE pulling a NJPW with the IC title and elevating it to get held by main eventers and become a real secondary title USING CENA/WYATT’S FEUD!

they both meet with big E in a triple threat at extreme rules. it’d put big E over, too, win or lose. and no matter if either cena or wyatt win the strap, it’ll be a fresh, interesting, new situation that we haven’t encountered yet in WWE.

Oh @themosayat , you silly, handsome bastard. Elevating an actual championship and making it relevant instead of some arm candy held by a guy who loses every match where he ISN’T defending it? What kind of some sane, rational logic is that?

ok, I admit it. I want the cena/wyatt feud to get big E and his belt involved in it NOT for wyatt to win the belt, but for cena! think of cena vs big E and big E vs harper, ya’ll.

also, if cena makes another “the champ is here…” shirt with an arrow to a drawn championship on it and it’s the IC belt instead of the WWE title, and it sells a lot, it’ll be the most this title has gotten attention in over a decade.

-you’re not the only guy. I also always loved wade barret in the ring (EVEN his finishers that no one ever loved), never liked his bad news barret on-air stuff (except for the kicking toys backstage segment and the first time he had a rising podium, which were hilarious) but still really enjoy his awesome, really funny role on the JBL&cole show (which is probably my favourite WWE show (even better than NXT) just as long as JBL and cole themselves are never on it).

-and holy smokes, layla was my favourite thing on the show this week. layla hasn’t been in my top 50 favourite things about any show in forever! and she’s my favourite this week!

but fandango suddenly breaking up with summer rae because they lost on RAW and immediately replacing her with layla without us seeing fandango upset with summer, or noticing layla and getting impressed by her somewhere, makes things feel incompleted and illogical. (although thank god for them explaining that layla is a former dancer and thus making it balance.)

which makes me uncomfortable with how much russo-esque stuff has become in WWE lately. but it’s been fun just going with everything in the opposite of what our nihilist minds expected, or in a way that we wished for on the internet months ago but then forgot about. I just hope it keeps managing to walk that fine line.

-and you beat me to describing paige as lady-orton. I just fear of having some lady-sandow poeting about how miss paige’s schtick is so lame and boring deservingly 10 years from now… but until then, I’m so excited of the journey that’ll take us there. and hey, maybe one day we’ll finally get someone that can punt stephanie mcmahon in the head and it’s ok because they’re both the same gender!

I was watching the WWE Network yesterday and caught a match between Piper and Dibiase where post match he clothelines and knockdowns a cheating Dibiase and Sherri Martel. I don’t know why 80’s WWF was more okay with letting a woman get hit (for story or if she honestly deserved it) than current WWE. I want Steph Busaiku Knee’d, damn it!

a) Fandango and Summer Rae’s relationship gave off less heat than an LED keychain. That fact that it just ended on Twitter seemed appropriate.

b) Everyone knows Layla is the shoot best dancer in the company. Them pairing didn’t need a lot of set up — if anything Fandango being intrigued by Layla for weeks in crappy backstage segments would have dulled my enthusiasm for them teaming up.

@Nate Birch it’s sad that we don’t have the confidence in WWE to pull a good break-up storyline with entertaining backstage segments, and would prefare to just have things “mentioned” by the announcers or on twitter and accept it.

You think Steph Mcmahon would let that shit get out from the writers? No way. Vince himself approves almost everything written before it airs. I spoke with a WWE writer recently and this was brought up. Thats his daughter, the new face of his company. Aint goin down like dat.

Did anybody catch the SmackDown post-show and see Renee Young forced into the Butter’s “Celebrity and Entertainment Reporter” role? She just periodically reports back on how no one’s talked to her yet.

Also, +1 or retweet or upvote or whatever on pushing for the return of curly hair Layla. I swear she could have literally ruled the world with that ‘do.

Never has a show full of original content felt so repetitive. It was all pretty much ‘yyyeah, what RAW said’. The only interesting part, Cesaro Cesaro-ing Big Show, will almost certainly be repeated on RAW.

Oh, and while I still disagree re: Bray Wyatt, your verdict on Paige’s promo vid. Don’t tell me she’s different because her hair is dark(?). Tell me she’s different because she will BREAK YOUR FUCKING LEGS AND SCREAM AT YOU WHILE SHE DOES IT.

Agreed. It drives me nuts. They’ve been doing it with Emma and now it looks like they may do it with Paige. Emma should be female wrestler who will twist you into a pretzel and rip your head off that does a weird dance, instead of Santino’s mentally challenged ?girlfriend? Paige should be buzzsaw who will tear you in half, instead of she’s different because she’s pale.

Can we just rename this “The Best and Worst of Smackdown, With an Additional Worst Consistently Being Awarded to Bray Wyatt”? At least anyone new to the report would know what to expect like the rest of us at this point.

If you’ve got to worst something, worst the fuck out of Cena for this falling flat because all he ever does is RISE ABOVE and NEVER GIVE UP, or WWE Creative for not giving Bray the win at Wrestlemania when that was the only outcome that made sense, and then continuing the angle by considerably lowering the bar from NEARLY EVERY FEUD CENA’S HAD IN THE PAST DECADE. But you consistently worst Bray Wyatt week in and week out when he’s the only interesting thing about this feud. Oh well, at least you didn’t try to make your version of Danielle’s Willow promo generator a running gag.

Hopefully, after he beats Wyatt at Extreme Rules by lame-ass chairshot, they have Cena cut a promo where he suddenly becomes self-aware of all of the horrible things he’s done to his opponents over the years (not unlike Bo Dallas’ moment of clarity on NXT this week). Then at least we’d have a suddenly distraught Cena struggling with whether or not he actually is the monster that Wyatt has made him out to be.

As for the rest of the report, I honestly find very little to disagree with, other than the Barrett thing, and you basically expected that. So….excellent report, other than continuing, baseless hatred of Bray Wyatt.

Actually, screw my scenario. Have Bray cut a promo about all the vile shit Cena’s done to everyone a few weeks before Extreme Rules, and then have the Family just brutally beat down Cena on EVERY SHOW between then and ER. Cena becomes more and more apoplectic and swears he’ll be a better man, the man he always claimed to be on the go-home RAW before the PPV (whoops, they won’t be called that by then).

Cut the ending of the Extreme Rules match – Cena has AA’ed Rowan and Harper and counters the Sister Abigail into the fireman’s carry. Bray escapes and grabs a chair, which Cena catches when Bray swings it at him. Kick to the gut, and Cena takes the chair, with Wyatt on his knees. Cena hesitates…

…

…

…and then just waffles the shit out of Wyatt, beating him with the chair until he’s long past the point of unconsciousness (I’m talking to where they have to pan around and get reaction shots of all of the uncomfortable people in the crowd), at which point Cena cinches in the Shitty Toehold with Facelock and gets the immediate submission win. Instant double turn, and Cena is actually interesting for the first time in probably eight years.

I really gave up on cena ever changing so hard that I don’t want him to change myself!

I just want him to lose more often/lose when it wouldn’t hurt him but instead help his opponet. I don’t care if he comes the next night and has forgotten about it and doesn’t care because he’s john cena. I accepted that it’ll always happen by now (and that it’s probably best for buisness still. cena hasn’t reached the point where “most of his fans gave up on him and he doesn’t make WWE a good amount of money anymore” that he should go NWO hollywood hogan and start something interesting for all the fans again. (although cena ever growing facial hair would seriously rule!))

I’m pretty sure I did worst the f–k out of Cena. But hey, it takes two to tango, and Bray’s not saving this feud for me. They Bray Bests will probably stop being such a rarity this Cena thing ends.

By: jessepowellfishing

04.12.2014 @ 6:49 PM

I realize you have elaborated and explained your dislike for Bray Wyatt multiple times, but I’m just not seeing it. Powerful cult leaders don’t need to make sense. They just need to speak in a way that makes their followers believe in it. Speaking with passion. With fire. And Bray does that. The ramblings of a madman who can make people believe is much scarier than a bad guy getting up and laying out, point by point, every thought he has.

I’m assuming they aligned Cesaro with Heyman because Brock isn’t signed for any events in the near future, and they need to keep Heyman on teevee. Yes, it is unwieldy, since they seemed to be going for Face Cesaro, but pairing the company’s best talker and its most absurdly powerful wrestler seems like a can’t-miss combo to me.

I’m probably the only one, but I thought the Bryan/Hogan segment was cute and somewhat genuine.

Bryan ever said that Hogan was his favorite wrestler (not that I recall, anyway; the announcers implied it, with the “his hero HULK HOGAN!” bull, but I don’t remember that from Bryan himself). What I got from it was that, as a kid, he wanted to main-even Wrestlemania like Hogan used to — and now he has, and that it was pretty cool. Bryan came across to me as genuinely having fun, and as much as I love him, I don’t think he’s good enough of an actor to really pull that off if it isn’t really the case.

Now, pointless and way, way too long? I’ll agree with that. But totally void of real emotion? Not in my eyes.

Honestly, I wish I knew. I could listen to Fandango backstage segments all day. The man is straight up hysterical.

By: jadaruler

04.13.2014 @ 6:33 PM

Cena won’t change until Bryan or someone else can be the true face of the WWE. Seems like he’s getting to that point Hogan got to in WCW. I can see him beating the Wyatts by himself like the time Hogan & Savage beat 8 men by themselves.

I wonder will the Paige responses be strong outside of WrestleManiaville.

I hope Cesaro, Heyman guy. Leads to Brock/Cesaro at XXXI. I think Cesaro could be the top guy in the WWE. People want to cheer him.

Fandango upgraded. Both are beautiful but Layla is my favorite outside of Ms. Banks.

Okay, I don’t really get any of this, so it’s probably time to officially retire from these Smackdown reports.

By: nippopotamus

04.14.2014 @ 12:52 PM

I am not a huge fan of Bad News Barrett, but Wade got stuck with a real shit gimmick and the fact that he’s making it not terrible is a testament to how hard he is trying and how charismatic he is. He should be more than he currently is since he’s got the look, the mic skills, and the moveset if they remember that his dude is a legitimate bare-knuckle boxer and should just be punching and elbowing everyone to death.

Oh, agreed. I think Wade Barrett the dude and talent is awesome and if handled right should have been a multiple time World champ by now. I think he would have made a really good replacement for Edge when he had to retire.

By: foil1212

04.14.2014 @ 1:02 PM

A thing I find weird about the Paige thing is that she has a promo that shows up on NXT where she says she never cries or whatever, and the backstage fallout of her after winning the belt is her crying. Her promo is also “Tough person” right now but on RAW on monday she seemed like the flimsiest nobody from nowheresville, when she’s actually the #1 diva on the best wrestling show who also comes from a famous wrestling family.

A thing I find weird about the Paige thing is that she has a promo that shows up on NXT where she says she never cries or whatever, and the backstage fallout of her after winning the belt is her crying. Her promo is also “Tough person” right now but on RAW on monday she seemed like the flimsiest nobody from nowheresville, when she’s actually the #1 diva on the best wrestling show who also comes from a famous wrestling family.

Paige’s point is not “they are tan, I’m pale” but rather that she refuses to fulfill any prenotion of what a Diva is supposed to look like and act. (Which is why she’s known as the the anti-diva, after all.)

As for Cesaro, I like him much better as a sportsmanslike boss-heel who doesn’t cheat because he can beat you fair and square, that a run-of-the-mill face… one is more or less unique in current WWE, the other is 13 on the dozen. But a bit strange that they haven’t either given him back “Miracle” (my favorite) or a new introtheme…