TEMPEST IN A TEAPOT

Be it known right here and now ... I hate, I despise, with a passionately
burning bright blue flame of loathing, that vile elixir known as "Paradise
Tropical Tea". Also known as passion-fruit tea, or whatever poisons with
which good iced teas are being adulterated these days.

It got to the point when I could no longer order real
iced tea in a restaurant. All they had was this crap.

So, in frustration and with a need to vent my spleen, I posted an article
to the local Los Angeles food-oriented Usenet newsgroup la.eats back in November of 1993 -- here
it is:

As I nearly always do when dining out, I ordered an iced tea. The waiter
brought it to me, and I took a hearty gulp.

It nearly came back up. "Waiter," I beckoned. "Excuse me, but there's
something wrong with this tea. I'm sorry, but it tastes like something
got into it. May I have another one?" "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Certainly."

But of course, the next one was no better ...

I'm referring, of course, to this malevolent brew that has slowly been
invading many of my favorite places to eat -- the dreaded
passion-fruit-flavored "Paradise Tea."

Now, if folks want to drink this stuff and enjoy it, I'm happy for them.
Believe me, this is not a flame against Paradise tea drinkers. This is
a flame against the restaurants.

As an expatriate New Orleanian who grew up drinking gallons per week
of the Real Thing, I just can't stand this stuff. No matter how much I
try, no matter how often I hear, "Just try it, it's wonderful,
everybody loves it, it'll grow on you ..." (Like fungus, no doubt!)
And I don't like the fact that when I order an iced tea, I'm almost
always brought this stuff without being forewarned.

My main objection is that real iced tea seems to be less and less
available in restaurants in favor of this stuff. "Oh, we don't have
regular iced tea anymore." Why can't they offer both? I don't
believe expense is a factor, as iced tea is incredibly cheap to make.

And if restaurants list "iced tea" in the menu, they should offer it. If
they're serving Paradise tea, it should be so indicated.

(Major kudos to John O'Groats on Pico, who not only have both kinds but
always ask which one the customer wants. Of course, Brenda and Joanie
already know which one I want ... :-)

All I ask is that restaurants offer diners a choice to those of us who
enjoy real iced tea. I can't believe everybody likes this stuff.

Is it just me, or is there anyone else out there who can't stand this
foul elixir? Please tell me I'm not alone! (Or flame me ... something
tells me I should be steeling myself for that. :-)

(I may have to start keeping a 2-quart Thermos of Luzianne or Barry's in my
trunk in case of emergencies ... sigh.)

Just mouthing off,

Chuck

A couple of weeks later, I got email from a guy,
<marke@netcom.com>, who apparently works for The Los Angeles
Times Sunday Magazine. He thought it'd be good for the "Palm
Latitudes" section of the magazine. With my permission, he forwarded it
to his editor, who edited it and ran it in magazine on Sunday, January
16, 1994, the day before the big earthquake. Not surprisingly, anybody who might
have read my article in the paper that morning promptly forgot about it
the next morning after being shaken out of their beds at 4:31am by one of
the worse quakes of the century.

And they still haven't paid me for the
article, those bastards...

Here's how the edited article appeared in the magazine:

It began, for me, like this: As I nearly always do when dining out, I
ordered an iced tea. The waiter brought it to me, and I took a hearty
gulp. It nearly came back up.

"Waiter," I said, beckoning. "Excuse me, but there's something wrong
with this tea. It tastes like something got into it. May I have another
one?"

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir. Certainly."

But the next one was no better. The taste was, I came to find out,
intentional. It was, in fact, that malevolent brew that has slowly been
invading hundreds of local restaurants -- from the Cheesecake Factory to
Four Seasons -- the dreaded passion-fruit-flavored Paradise Tropical Tea.

Now, if folks want to drink this stuff and enjoy it, I'm happy for them.
Believe me, this is not a flame against Paradise tea drinkers. This is
a flame against the restaurants that do not clearly identify the
beverages they serve. If restaurants list "iced tea" in the menu, they
should offer iced tea, not Paradise Tropical Tea.

As an expatriate New Orleanian who grew up drinking gallons per week of
the real thing, I just can't stand this stuff. And I can't believe I am
alone in this. All I ask is that restaurants offer a choice. I may have
to keep a Thermos of Luzianne or Barry's in my trunk in case of
emergencies ... sigh.

Ah, how interesting the editing process is. And how interesting that the
Usenet term "flame" was retained by the editor. Anyway, this was a neat
experience, and would be even neater if the associate editor would send
me my check. You know who you are ...