Sunday, 29 November 2009

US Poker players last night gave thanks to the Congressmen of Kentucky, for doing what the cash-hungry supporters of the poker industry have failed to do for years... namely, erm, well, anything at all really.

As a simple case of an *ahem* influential member of the Kentucky *ahem* business elite having his mastercard declined when trying to bet on a 'sure thing' in the 15:30 at Churchill Downs caused the date for the UIGEA regs to move to June 1st... we collected together the reactions of some interested parties from the completely ineffective for years poker lobby.

We started with John Puppus, imaginary head of a poker organisation which coincidentally shares the same initials as the PPA... "Well, fvck me" began John, "Fvck me fvcking sideways" he continued, with a kind of happy-but-distant expression on his face, "Well knock me down with a fvcking feather, fvckety fuck fvck". We then pressed him on the PPA's next plans, but unfortunately by this time he was busy trying to explain how a 'cvunting miracle' had happened to a passing Mexican taxi driver.

Unperturbed, we called the office of Frankey Barn, the man behind a million bills and chairman of the 'Your Choice Of Bills Into Law from only $5000 Committee".... "This is a great day for Bridge Players of all policitcal denominations" began Frank, so we pointed out that Bridge was not what we were enquiring after, "the members of credit unions will remember the extra protection this bill has given them when we next go to the polls", ah, we asked for comment concerning online poker and were assured that for just $25k a bill of our choice would be numbered, given a fancy sounding name and then shot down by religeous zealots in 2010.

Disappointed,we instead spoke to Nate, a 21 year old rakeback-enabled pro grinder who was a vocal supporter on message boards of the rights of every American to do with their money as they wish... including playing online poker. Nate was positive that this was a first step towards a regulated and fully governed system which had protection built in for both professionals and for problem gamblers alike. We then asked Nate whether he had considered the fact that his legitimately earned income would then be subject to taxation.... at which point he went slightly green, stared blankly at us for a couple of seconds and then fainted.

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Something different today, Dear Melted Felt readers, as we bring you a review of a new poker software tool which could revolutionise your life! We review the new software from the people who brought you the 'Auto-Min-Raise-Machine', the "SNG-Spite-Calling-Engine" and the "Omaha-Aces-Only-Auto-Raiser"... Yes the Tournament Bust Auto Hate Machine is available for immediate download for just $99.

Overview of the 'Tournament Bust Auto Hate Machine's Functions

This tool could save you hours over the course of an average week of playing low level multi-table tournaments online, by saving you the time and effort involved in berating the fucking fish who busted you. By automating the task of typing insults into the chat box, following them from table to table and giving them a thorough lecture on exactly how playing this way will lose money in the long run you'll be free to play other games effectively, spew venom onto new players asking innocent enough but basic questions in popular forums poker forums or - wait for it - even go to a bar*

* Assumes you are one of the 2.37% of online poker players who actually have a life.

But that, as they say, is not all - just take a look at the list of great bonus benefits below and you'll be reaching for your credit card before you can say, "I'm thinking of dropping out of college and becoming an online poker pro".

** International Options, The Tournament-Bust-Auto-Hater is capable of reading the location of whoever busted you and adapting insults to cause maximum distress. US readers note that simply ticking a box in the settings ensures this works in the US or Canada / Euro / Rest of the Word mode which is more familiar to you.

** Stats, this great feature kicks in after 5 minutes of great auto-insulting, the Tournament-Auto-Bust Hater will automatically look up the stats of your opponent on various databases, find the least flattering and repeatedly type these into the chat box. If all the stats are positive the system simply looks back to the international option and doubles the country-specific insults.

** Auto Hand Reading 'LOLs', finally the genius of the programmers has developed an extra-special feature. When your opponent loses a pot after busting you the tool will auto-post 'lol', 'fucking retard' and 'well played' in random sequence... guaranteed to cause minor irritation to even the most stoic of opponents.

Buy Yours Now!

MF

PS: We geninuely appreciate the odd 'social bookmark' or two, the button / widget below lets you bookmark us to Twitter, Stumbleupon, Facebook and many others - if you could spread the word that would be great!

Monday, 23 November 2009

In a post which will undoubtedly trigger mass hatred from those people who love to worship supernatural beings we bring you some timely proof... Yes dear Melted Felt readers, the completely unbiased researchers at the Vatican have been taking a look at the Turin Shroud... and with global warming only recently proven to be a complete hoax we are actually relieved to receive some enlightening proof.

Settling a debate which has raged for many centuries was never going to be easy, however condom-hating Vatican bookworm Barbara Fail has finally put our fears to rest after a starting hands chart for no-limit holdem was found faintly outlined in ancient greek on the side of Jesus' nose.

With huge debate, world wars and suicide bombers all triggered by some eternal questions we are the very first to bring you God himself's version of whether to play pocket 6's from the first 3 positions at a full table in a tournament with 20 big blind effective stack...

The answer is,.,.,.,Kzzzzkzk.... aaargh,... buh... fzzzzzzz

** Editors note - we apologise for the abrupt end to this post, unfortunately the writer appears to have been mysteriously struck by lightning.... ah well, at least the Global Warning being a complete hoax thing stands up to scrutiny.... **

Thursday, 19 November 2009

An exclusive again today, dear Melted Felt readers, as we bring you news of a twist to the recently announced rebranding efforts at Ultimate Bet - which is now known by the catchy name of RussHamilitonsRoom.com, erm, no, sorry, not that one, we meant 'UB.com', yes.

Poker players worldwide have very little to hate, and so have loved to hate Ultimate Bet ever since the scandal which affected none of them, or anyone they know, broke back whenever it was. It is now so 'in' to write 'cheating scum' in forums that even people who could not tell you the slightest thing about the scandal, and have never played at UB in their lives make these anti-UB forum posts part of their morning routine - nestled nicely in-between having a shit and making a cup of coffee.

By we have strayed from the scoop... revealed by an internally leaked post-it note in the build up to the big rebrand Ultimate Bet have MANDATED that everyone involved in any capacity wear sheeps clothing, with immediate effect.

This, dear readers, applies equally to the UB pros as anyone else. Phil Hellmuth himself will be donning a romanesque 'Big Ram' costume for a future public appearances, with horns made to look like '11' and really fucking massive shiney black balls protruding from under his tail. Joe Sebok's sheep costume has been themed on the Blue Oyster Bar, and Annie (oh, sweet Annie Annie Annie) Duke had a revealing little lamby number made up - which has currently been sent back for a larger sized replacement.

Customer service now have sheep-ear headphone sets and have been advised to 'baaaaaa' down the phone if anyone asks about the cheating scandal. Not forgetting the players or course, who will each be sent a sheep-mask to play with at the tables under different names than the forum Ids they use to critisize the site... your masks have already been paid for by losing a hand you would otherwise have won ;o)

We asked a UB spokesman for comment, however he pointed to the right, shouted "Look! Puppies!" and then ran off at high speed. Ah well, at least we'll know that any wolves found in UB's sheep's clothing can not be anything like as bad as actually finding the people involved in the site.

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

More than 3 years after the UIGEA was snuck in on the back of a 'please don't import big radioactive bombs through out union-strangled dockyards bill' the Poker Players Alliance was last night staring the gaping maw of failure right in the, erm, gaping maw... With every half assed letter-writing campaign having had little effect, and 97% of rakeback grinders still not in possession of that shiney dropped penny that grown-ups call tax, desparate measures are being called for, along with some clutchable straws.

So with 2 weeks to go before the banks crack down on the degenerate gamblers who spent the last 3 years thinking it had nothing to do with them it is down to Melted Felt to make a last minute appeal.

Yes, dear MF readers, we are today launching an appeal for any last minute straws out there which the PPA can desperately clutch at. Our only criteria for these straws is that they seem plausible at the time, are worthy of a press release or two, a big letter-writing campaign, an online petition, and then can slowly and gently be forgotten as they fail - only to be replaced with another plausible-sounding straw in the meantime.

Straws which involve Senators, Congressmen, faxing and making *ahem* 'donations' (wink wink) to the PPA are all particularly welcome at this difficult time.

In case the last ditch 'Hey my good and important political friends, lets all chill for 18 months while we think about it' act somehow (shockingly) does not get passed in time doe Dec 1st there is no cause for immediate alarm... The PPA have a contingency mass letter-writing plan already organised and ready to roll - though exactly how getting 100,000 online poker players to write to Santa Claus would help we are not quite sure....

MF

PS: Once again, while we are happy to take the piss, the PPA do great work and we genuinely support their efforts - it is not too late to get involved via http://theppa.org

Monday, 16 November 2009

Scooptastic news this morning, dear Melted Felt readers - as we stop the collective poker itch which is the mystery surrounding the true identity of Isildur1, who has been completely and utterly owning new Team Full Tilt member Tom 'Durrrr' Dwan on the high stakes tables recently as well as taking the odd pot from twin Tilt baldies Antonius and Hansen...

Who is Isildur1? I hear you collectively ask as he scoops yet another pot to take his total vs Dwan to over $4 million... all we know for sure so far is that this player comes from Sweden, the country that famously supplied the steel which helped build the Nazi war machine during World War while pretending to be 'neutral'.

Yes dear readers, it was Benny from ABBA all along. Benny Andersson is in fact famous for not being the son of Alfred Nobel - originator of the prizes Sweden give out every year to hide the fact that they have actually done fuck all of anything during their 1000's of years of history* (*except for helping build the Nazi war machine of course.)

The chirpy songsmith, who has irritated generations of wedding guests with such hits as Money Money Money and Dancing Queen first took an interest in online poker after realizing he lived somewhere where it was completely dark 22 hours a day for 11 months of the year. Though his initial foray onto the tables was unsuccessful, success soon came his way after he had his 'fold' button replaced with the words 'Danish Beer Is Just So Much Better'

Monday, 9 November 2009

In a Melted Felt exclusive that is not scared to shove 40 big blinds to pick up the antes, we can today bring you the sensational news that 2,137,228 previously silent fans of Joseph Cada have popped their heads above the parapet - and revealed that they just knew all along that he would win.

With dangerous pro Ivey on the rail and Cada having a monster chip lead over trigger happy Darvin Moon we were amazed to find out that more than 72,845 poker players "regularly discuss strategy over the instant messenger" with Cada, 13,813 of them are regular attendees at his home game, 1521 went out with his sister and that more than 70% of his female fans think that $8.5 million would go 'a long way' to help them overlook his slightly wierd face.

In our highly dangerous role as investigative reporters at the front line of poker news, we spoke on the telephone to Josh, who posted 'told you so' messages on no less than 31 different forums after the World Series final table got down to just the two of them.

We started by asking Josh about the messages supporting Ivey a couple of days ago. It turned out the 'Ivey will win, no contest /thread' posts were made by his little sister, the tirade of abuse when someone questioned his ability to come back from a small stack was posted by his cousin's friend - and the ALL CAPS post that anyone who was rooting against Ivey was not a true poker fan was in fact posted by his Mum while worse for a bottle of the finest cooking Sherry, he then hung up.

Next we tracked down 'Ben', who claimed to be the only genuine and original Cada fan around - calling everyone else 'fair weather fans' and repeatedly assuring us that he was right there on the rail at the final table of the Full Tilt $750k when Cada won... We checked out the history and it turned out Ben was right - though we are not actually sure whether or not 'please ship me $5, please please please' and 'someone ship me $5 so I can enter a tournament, promise to pay you back $10 tomorrow, honestly' (along with 23 other variations on the same theme) counts as 'being a fan'.

Friday, 6 November 2009

Hot off the press we bring you a fish-tale direct from the online poker tables

The incident involved a fish wholeheartedly agreeing with a fish who berated a fish for berating another fish who had sucked-out in some-what ordinarily fishy style

It all started when the first fish, whose exit from the table got the other fish all excited, called a $1.30c all-in (pot sized) bet with no less than a queen high flush draw on a board of Ah-Kh-Qc-10c... when the 'beautiful 6 of clubs' hit the river matching his 4-5 sooted.

One particularly angry fish, quicky mucking his A-6 off suit, started to call the fortunate fish a fish, the first fish did not particularly care (or, for that matter, understand) and promptly left the table to play Monopoly with his kid sister. At this point a third fish started berating the second fish for 'making the first fish leave.'

Apparently the fish who left was a good source of money and should have been encouraged to stay. After a 4th fish agreed the second fish started feeling defensive - challenging any fish who would listen a heads-up match.... not for this 5c / 10c nonsense either, this was to be a high-stakes 25c / 50c match.

Fortunately for the fish-in-question's bankroll, nobody accepted his offer... at the end of the day conclusive proof that they are all nothing but fish.

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

Poker tournaments are now held in some fantastic locations all around the world. The Bahamas, Las Vegas, Macau, Australia, Punta Del Este and Monte Carlo. Players with just a few dollars can donk their way through satellites and find themseleves completely out of their depth against opponents who can read their hands as if turned face-upwards all around the world.

To get the balance back in balance, the feng aligned with the shui, the karma matching the ying-yang and the poker community having generally g-g-g-g-good vibrations, Pokerstars have announced a new tour of those dull and slightly musty-smelling islands off of the coast of Europe known as the UK and Ireland. As always, dear Melted Felt readers, we bring you the scoop on the details which matter to you - the poker fan.

Strencham Services (southbound) lies in the beautiful rolling Worcestershire countryside and is an isolated gas station, hotel and hugely overpriced convienience shopping stop on the M5 motorway - connecting Birmingham, England's second city, with the cider-swilling inbreds of the south-west. We are personally looking forward to spending $14 on a dry cheese sandwich and chatting pleasantly with truck drivers from Poland about their hairy wives in the bar of the $35 a night luxuary that is the Holiday Inn Hotel.

Held in 'The Taj Mahal', a busy and popular curry restaurant on the high street of this grim greater-London satellite town this is the only PLO poker tournament in the world with wipe-clean tables, a big jug of water and free popadoms for every player - complete with both yoghurt and mango chutney dips. While the fact that the 'Taj (as it is affectionately known to the locals) not being licenced to serve alcohol may seem like a down-side, it actually means you can bring your own cans to drink at the table - a considerable saving in tips alone. We recommend the Lamb Dupiaza if you get a little hungry.

Next the tour moves to Wales, that completely and utterly pointless part of the British Isles. The Caerphilly open is to be accompnied by the sound of male-voice choirs, the crackle and hiss of English-owned holiday homes going up in smoke and the persistant chorus of 'Poker you say?', and 'Poker is it then?' from the locals. Special lop-sided chairs have been provided for Welsh contestants - who famously have one leg shorter than the other, causing them to walk round in circles.

Event #4 - The Dublin Open - March 1st to 3rd - 50c Buy-in

While Dublin is no doubt a fantastic place to hold a poker tournament, the Irish economy is in such a bad state that it was deemed necessary to reduce the buy-in to this event to just 50c. While a couple of years ago half of Ireland was swanning around the world buying up property like they were the smartest business people on the planet, someone forgot to tell them that the money they were spending was actually invented by their banks, leaving the nation to get on with the traditional passtimes of growing potatoes and having nothing much to say after the 'being Irish - haha' joke is over once the bubble burst. With a prize pool expected to grow to over $163 we are really looking forward to this one, to be sure to be sure.

The vomit-covered streets of Britains favorite seaside resort host the grand final of the inagural UKIPT, with more Elvis impersonators and fat ladies wearing cringe-worthy revealing tops in freezing temperatures than anywhere else in the UK, contestants will actually find themselves welcoming the semi-consciousness brought on by getting repeatedly punched for 'looking the wrong way' at a random member of a totally pissed stag night. Great thing is busting out early from this tournament means you can pop down the local bingo hall for a 2nd chance to win - we can't wait!