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Love for the Big and the Small

Scripture says the human race should be fruitful and multiply (Gen. 1:28; Mal. 2:15). Children are always seen as a blessing from the Lord (PsS. 127:3–5; 128:3–4). Church growth happens evangelistically and covenantally. So I like big families. My wife and I are on our way to a big family with four little ones already. In counseling, I challenge newlyweds to think through the reasons for birth control (which I am not against) instead of just assuming it. I warn against the abortifacient possibilities of taking the pill. I try to dissuade most young couples from the notion that they have to be married for several years before they start a family. I am pro-children big time.

But this does not mean I am antismall family. All else being equal, I’d encourage Christians to have more than two kids (keeping above the replacement rate). But all else is not equal. There are simply too many things I don’t know about other couples to even dare to judge. I don’t know the financial situation, the medical history, the family pressures, or the cultural expectations. I don’t know their marriages or their attitudes before the Lord. I don’t know what other God-glorifying, self-sacrificing, world-serving opportunities they are praying through. So when we see faithful Christians with two kids or ten kids, we should praise God and assume the best.

And yet, any pastor paying attention to the hearts and hurts of his church will tell you that there is a lot of tension around the size of our families. Here is an opportunity for the Devil to work discord among us. But here also is a wonderful opportunity to love our neighbors as ourselves and open wide hearts and affections to families that look different than ours (Matt. 22:39; 2 Cor. 6:11–13).

Think of all the trouble we get into in the church, on this issue in particular, because we assume the worst. Big families assume smaller families are being selfish. Smaller families assume big families are out to prove something. And everyone assumes everyone else is assuming something about them.

This is not the way of 1 Corinthians 13 love and it has to stop. Let’s assume the best of each other on this issue and not assume we’re being judged because someone else feels strongly about the way he or she does things.

And let’s be sensitive to the feelings of others rather than sensitive to perceived sleights and offenses. In some churches, women may feel a pressure to be pregnant. Maybe the pressure is stated, maybe unstated; maybe it’s inaccurately perceived. But it is felt, so let’s be careful not to add to the pressure. In a church where literally dozens of women are bursting at the womb almost constantly and all the talk is about latching, stripping membranes, and other pleasantries, we must be careful that young women who aren’t pregnant don’t feel inferior or out of place. I can just about guarantee they feel that way already, so you’ll have to go out of your way to include them.

On the flip side, there’s no good reason — certainly no biblical one — why families with five, six, seven, ten, or fifteen kids should be made to feel strange. There’s no need for comments such as “Really, another one?” or, “Wow, he can’t keep his hands off you.” Those comments are hurtful, and so are the eye rolls and exasperated sighs and suspicions. Let those who have eight kids not judge those who have two, and those with one child not judge those with six.

And let me throw out one other verse while I’m at it: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15). For most Christians, there is almost nothing as joyful as having a baby and almost nothing as painful as being unable to do so. This leads to lots of awkward church lobby deliberations: “Should I tell her I’m pregnant? She’s been trying for so long; my news will just make her sad. But if I don’t tell her, she’ll find out eventually and be hurt that I didn’t mention anything. Maybe I’ll tell her privately. But then that will make her feel singled out.” There is no solution to this problem. Infertility hurts and babies can make it hurt more. But a step in the right direction is God’s command in Romans 12. Let every young lady rejoice with her friend’s pregnancy, and let that same friend weep when her sister in Christ hasn’t had or won’t have the same joy.

I don’t pretend to get all this baby stuff right. I’m sure I’ve been woefully insensitive at times. I need God’s help too. But as a pastor, I at least try to set the right tone, dial down the tensions, and encourage every man and wife to assume the best. It doesn’t make all the tensions go away. But I’m hoping it will help us love each other’s families, the small and the big, in big ways and small.

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Kevin DeYoung

Rev. Kevin DeYoung is senior pastor of Christ Covenant Church in Matthews, N.C., and associate professor of systematic theology at Reformed Theological Seminary in Charlotte, N.C. He is author of many books, including Just Do Something.