I go weekly, at least twice a week- to my boy’s memorial site- his favorite secret trail by the marina. I made a very special place- a meditation site of sorts- all from the earth. A huge rock patio, driftwood benches and trees and flowering bushes planted around. His picture hangs off the peach tree there. It is the “little tree that could”- it is thriving in a harsh environment- no doubt because of the presence of my boy there…and the love I bring and the love others bring by sitting and joining in this sacred space. It has been very healing for me to build this place. The physical work is like my meditation and it brings me closer to him than anything has since he passed 10 months ago. I still miss him daily , I still cry when I look at his pictures..but I am able to cry and feel joy at the same time now. This is the grief process.

I worked this weekend there – digging and planting flowering bushes . It was hard but rewarding work! All the digging gave me some cuts and bruises- one remarkable one showed up smack dab in the middle of my right palm- in the perfect shape of a HEART. I know without a doubt this is sign from Benjamin- saying ” Mom, I am always with you”.

I wanted to share this picture with all of you because I am deeply touched that Benjamin choose to reveal his presence to me in such a unique way.I still miss him daily , I still cry when I look at his pictures…But the ache and misery is lifting- Life has a way of forcing you to move through the darkest hours…and my boy does not want me to stay in the darkness too long. He represented Light- the brightest light I have ever met..The Light of God and that Light shines in me now forever.

So, in regard to disagreeable and formidable things, prudence does not consist in evasion or flight, but in courage. He who wishes to walk in the most peaceful parts of life with any serenity must screw himself up to resolution. Let him front the object of his worst apprehension, and his stoutness will commonly make his fear groundless. —Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882, United States)

I am not sure I will put this into words quite right but I will try. When you have been in a time of deep despair- questioning Life- why, why, why?- this is the time when you may crack and all the Light of Pure Consciousness shines and The Truth of Who you are is revealed. I don’t mean this to sound like it will happen in some magical perfect moment- with a pot full of gold at the end of your neighborhood rainbow. It is much more complicated than this.

You ( I) will suffer and question your sanity, or your reason for being on this very difficult path- your intellect will know some deeper learning is happening and try to conceptulize it is a concise phrase..but your soul is the only thing that matters when psychic lessons are concerned. Your soul may never put it in a neat clean sentence that says ” I learned this…” but I truly believe- in my darkest hours- I am closer to God than I have ever been.