Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.

Attack Of The 8000 Spiders!

The other day I saw a cute fuzzy orb on my living room window screen. I wondered what it was. The kids also wondered. I noticed it was on the interior side of the screen, meaning, facing inward towards our living room area. I, being the mega intelligent woman that I am, decided to slide open the window and look. (I really can’t make fun of those idiots in horror movies that always have to “see what that strange noise is” because I’m TOTALLY like that. I will go out in the garage EVERY TIME I hear a strange thump. I take this big wooden stick with me JUST LIKE THE DWEEBS IN MOVIES.)

Anyway, B and my husband were with me in the room, as I slid open the window. But C was upstairs. B said, “Mom, that’s a cute little moss ball on the window screen. C said so.” (C is our expert on all things “cute & fuzzy”.) I said, “Ok” and slid open the window all the way. As the glass slid across, it touched the cute fuzzy moss ball. Suddenly I saw it twitch.

AND THEN EXPLODE.

I was rendered speechless because 8000 spiderlings came flying out of that cute fuzz ball. They started wafting into the livingroom, onto our couch, my clothes, my arms, etc. B came running because he heard the words, “explosion” and “spiders” and my most appropriate shriek. He too started getting spider-waft on his clothes. He started beating himself like only a nine year old boy can – spazzy, erratic, extra-violent. If I wasn’t so panicked about 8000 spiders infilitrating our livingroom, I would’ve totally been laughing at him.

So all this time, while the boy and I are flailing about like we’re on fire, my husband is sitting ten feet away watching the Mariners game. He doesn’t move to help us. He just glances over and then goes right back to the game. It was in this moment I realized that being perpetually spazzy and generally idiotic does NOT PAY. His reaction said, “Oh. You guys are just being your usual ridiculous selves. Guess I’ll keep watching the game.”

In my continued panic, aggravated by Bryant’s additional panic, aggravated by the fact that this Spider Delta Force kept coming in, I decided I should use fire power. So I ran and got…

a bottle of Windex.

I sprinted past my still-calm husband and lunged at the window with the spray bottle. I had the presence of mind to be turning the nozzle to “spray” while I was in mid-body-launch. That’s the action-movie side of my persona. I’m very versatile that way.

Like a good sidekick, Bryant yelled as he saw what I was about to do and joined in to help. He blew with all his might at the still incoming spider cloud, screaming and waving his arms. (Husband still watching M’s game, unfazed.) I pointed the bottle and launched Windex mist all over the spider cloud. The spider attack was immediately neutralized. The defcon level dropped to zero.

As B and I wiped up the mess with paper towels, we reviewed our action points. We decided Windex was quite the ideal weapon since it was useful for cleaning glass anyway. (Our window got a good post attack wipe-down.) Plus the mist of the Windex drove the spider cloud the opposite direction. Many spiders escaped, but as long as they went outside, that’s fine. It was just the crossing of the interior/exterior demarcation line that was problematic. And we also decided it would be best NOT to tell certain personnel in the house, that details of the attack should only be shared on a need-to-know basis. (You see, the girl upstairs is terrified of spiders. She would NOT BE OK with the knowledge that we were infilitrated by 8000 of them. She would MOVE OUT.)

As in any good skirmish story, there will remain abiguity. Was it human fault for encroaching on the demarcation line? Who started this fight in the first place? Were the spiders massing at the border? Should they have been on the interior side or the exterior side of the no-waft zone? Was the use of Windex unethical, and should there be some kind of Windex nonproliferation policy? It’s really hard to say…

By the way, as I type this, I feel itchy just thinking about the spider cloud, how it partially landed on my skin. I know B and I missed some spider operatives. They’re now roaming in the shadows of the house…

Note: This is a seattlepi.com reader blog. It is not written or edited by the P-I. The authors are solely responsible for content. E-mail us at newmedia@seattlepi.com if you consider a post inappropriate.