Archive for June, 2013

They’ve said before that they’d be okay with morning head as long as it’s not penetrative, so when we both woke up atround the time and were lying in bed sleepily snuggling, I figured it was the perfect opportunity. I slid down under the sheet (admittedly, I probably looked awkward as hell doing this and not at all sexy), nuzzled my way between their legs.

I gently sucked their bits into my mouth, enjoying the slipperiness against my tongue and the sweet ocean taste of them. ”This is a great way to have my first cigarette of the day…” they said from above me. I kept sucking, prodding with my tongue until I found the hardness and the coppery taste of their clit. I licked faster and sucked harder, and their breathing got a little heavy, they moved against me. They reached down and held the back of my head, pressing my mouth against them.

They said I could stop whenever I wanted, but I kept going for a bit after that. They tasted and felt delicious.

When I came back up, we snuggled a bit more and I told them how much I love doing that, and how delicious they are.

So Garnet and I are going to an event next month at which there will be a fist-a-thon. I am really really excited to participate…but my vagina has not been super cooperative when it comes to inserting large things lately. And so we’re working on fisting training…

Garnet told me they had plans for me. We were hanging out watching TV and working on other stuff when they went upstairs and returned with squishy neoprene cuffs. They hand me stand in “ready-to-serve” position and they put cuffs on my wrists and ankles. I ended up hanging out cuffed like that for most of the day, which was hot in its own way.

We bought a new cane recently. It’s really pretty and has purple heart-shaped beads on the handle, and it’s kind of like a gigantic evil stick. This was our first chance to try it out. I ended up kind of curled around Garnet with my skirt up around my waist. They warmed me up, tapping me with light, bouncy strokes all over my butt. It felt awesome. I really like being caned. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to take sharper strokes, but they gave me 10 of those and, while it definitely hurt, it was not un-enjoyable. I was definitely moaning more than crying out. They gave me 10 more. I have a new favorite cane.

After they’d caned me, Garnet clipped the cuffs to the corners of their under-the-bed restraints, tightening the straps so I was stretched out, spread-eagle across the bed. They collected toys–their curvy glass dildo, the Hitachi, and the large dildos I’d brought. They scooted a towel under me.

They started by making me squirt. They worked the glass toy against my g-spot and pressed the Hitachi against my clit, expertly getting my body to do what they wanted. ”Are you gonna squirt for me?” they asked tauntingly as I writhed around and moaned under the Hitachi. And very quickly I was begging for the glass toy to be pulled out and then I squirted and I think they put the Hitachi on high at some point and I came and squirted at the same time, which almost never happens for me, and I think I squirted three times total? Maybe two? I’m not sure…I was not in a headspace where it was easy to count.

Next they picked up one of my larger dildos. It’s long and thick, and they’d ordered me to jerk off with it a few nights before and I hadn’t been able to fit the whole thing inside me. In their hands, though, they managed to stuff me full with the whole thing. They pushed it deep into my cunt and then popped it back out, slipping the head over my g-spot, making me wriggle and moan. They fucked me with that for a bit, and when I could actually form words I marvelled at the fact that I could take all of the length. Then, they reached for the next dildo.

It was, of course, the Randy. And again, they slid the entire, enormous thing inside me surprisingly quickly. I was moaning and straining against the restraints, trying to buck my hips and push my cunt onto the dildo. They worked it in and out of me for a bit, then set it aside. They started to push their fingers into me instead.

My memory of this part is not super clear, as I was basically pretty out of my head at this point, but after one sort of false start where the positioning was somehow weird, they got their whole hand into my cunt. We did it! I took their whole fist, and for the first moment it felt completely amazing but then there was a weird, uncomfortable pressure and I had to ask them to take it out, but I’m almost there! Then they picked up the Hitachi again and made me come on their fingers.

At some point they smacked my vulva a bunch, which I’m getting better at taking. At another point they bit the skin above my rib cage and I cried out and it hurt and felt amazing and I still have the mark. I’m not totally sure in what order these things happened. Then, when I was all wrung out from coming and squirting and coming some more, well…at first we both thought we were done. But then Garnet looked over at another new toy we hadn’t had the chance to try yet. We bought something from Bad Dragon when they were having a sale a while back, and I think it occurred to both of us at the same time that I was probably better prepared to take dragon cock than I would be again for a while.

We got the version with the cumtube, so Garnet loaded up the syringe with sticky white lube and pushed down the plunger so some oozed out the tip. Then they began to push it inside me.

It was huge, and it felt amazing. I think at its largest points it’s comparable to the Randy in girth, though the silicone is way squishier. It’s much longer, though. I think it’s the longest toy I’ve taken all of. Garnet slid it all the way in and laughed delightedly when I was even able to take the knot at its base. Then they fucked me hard and fast with it, making me moan and whimper at the peak of every thrust, stretching my poor little cunt. I squirmed against it, loving the size and the feel. At one point I gasped out “It’s so big!”

“Well,” Garnet replied, “it is a dragon, sweetie.”

Eventually, they trust it as deep inside me as it would go and pushed the plunger on the syringe. I vaguely felt the cum spurt inside me, and as they pulled out it left a slick, sticky white trail over the skin of my thighs. They pushed the plunger again, spurting the last of the cum across my pelvis and hip. I was delighted by the feel of it.

Again, I thought they were done with me, but they reached for the Hitachi. They flipped it onto high and pressed it against me, making me let out a sound that was somewhere between a moan and a scream. I very quickly came, actually screaming as I did, pressing down because I felt like I was going to squirt again. Garnet laughed again, and I thought I might’ve squirted, but then they let me know what was going on. ”All the cum is oozing out of you!” they cried happily. ”Do you feel it? Do you feel what a slut you are?” They guided my hand between my legs, and I felt it leaking out of my cunt, smeared over my thighs. I felt deliciously filthy. Also exhausted.

I rested for a few minutes, and then they cleaned me up and gave me a glass of water.

It was all amazing, and I still keep pausing and thinking “Wait…I got fucked by a dragon.“

I haven’t blogged that much about my mental health stuff lately, mostly because my therapist is amazing and awesome and I really like her and so I mostly talk to her. Also I’m getting better. Not as quickly as I would like, and in some ways I sometimes feel like things are getting worse because I’m more aware of them.

It’s worth mentioning, too, that getting help is fucking difficult. My mental and emotional state are better than I can ever remember them being in my entire life, and yet accessing psychiatric services is still so stressful and difficult and involves jumping through so many hoops that it’s still really hard to manage and deal with. Getting help is difficult.

Also, I’m on meds. Hooray! Antidepressants are not for everyone, and they’re not a magical cure-all. Seriously, though, when the Prozac started working and suddenly my baseline feelings were happier than I could ever remember being for more than a day at a time in my entire life, I decided that maybe they are for me. I‘m on a really low dose, and there are still frustrating side effects. It plays hell with my already wonky blood sugar, causing it to sometimes abruptly plummet and then I get the hypoglycemic shakes like whoa. I’m getting better at managing it, though. I’ve also gained some weight, though I have no idea how much that has to do with the medication, how much has to do with the eating more often to manage the wonky blood sugar that’s a side effect of the medication, and how much it has to do with other unrelated things.

And there are maybe sexual side effects? Again, I’m not sure how much this has to do with the medication and how much it’s just that bodies change. My clit has become less responsive, it seems like. I used to be able to get off consistently just from vibration on my clit. Now I seem to need even stronger vibrators plus gspot stimulation. But…here’s the catch…I seem to have multiple orgasms much more easily and consistently than ever before. So even though I suspect the meds are partly responsible, since this all started right around when they started working, but also I’m getting older and it seems like my gspot gets more responsive and multiple orgasms get easier the older I get.

So yeah…brains and bodies are weird.

I’ve also learned that some of the stuff that happens to me when I’m really scared or upset is a real thing (dissociation!) and not just me being a drama queen, which is kind of what I’d been taught that it was in the past. And that things are complicated and weird and intertwined, and that even on hormonal birth control AND anti-depressants, everything still gets way worse the week before my period — depression, binge eating and other poor impulse control, neediness, paranoia, and so on and so forth. It’s weird to be more aware of this stuff, but it’s also really helpful. It’s good to be able to think “I’m dissociating, and it might help me snap out of it if I eat something or touch something or smell something” rather than “HOLY SHIT I’M FREAKING OUT AND IT’S REALLY SCARY AND MY VISION IS TUNNELING AND I THINK I MIGHT PASS OUT AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!”

I’m not always calm, and my perception/interpretation of things doesn’t always match up with reality or make very much logical sense, and sometimes I still really do freak out and have a big breakdown…but I understand it all better, and it’s getting easier to pull myself out of it, and I’m starting to feel a tiny bit more in control of my wild emotions.