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Large and increasing numbers of Republicans, particularly conservative Republicans, believe Barack Obama is a Muslim. This fiction has been helped along by goobs conflating Islam with terrorism, or in Michele Bachmann’s fevered imagination, traitorous unamericanism. Many Christian zealots believe Muslims, and by extension the “Master Muslim” Obama, are filthy devils incarnate chiefly because they aren’t Christian. But aside from Atheists, they inexplicably don’t make such a big deal over Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, or any number of other non-Christian beliefs. Even child-abusing priests are somewhat OK as long as they are conservative child-abusing priests.

Among a group of people who wouldn’t believe Obama was born in Hawaii if the delivery doctor showed up and took a polygraph to the contrary, falsely believing Obama is a Muslim isn’t much of a stretch. ‘I want to see the long-form baptismal certificate, dammit!’

By comparison, everyone correctly believes Romney is Mormon. However, despite believing Mormonism is an unchristian cult and those clean-cut fellows on bicycles wearing black tie and white shirts are vaguely evil because voters know zip about them (including that their church is called the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and not The Church of Mormon), they don’t seem much bothered.

Despite all that, the larger and more interesting question here is, “why does it matter”?

Except for the fringiest of the fringy, no one accuses Obama of terrorism against Americans. Hating the commie bastard for Obamacare and the fact he can’t create jobs isn’t a Muslim thing it’s a Republican thing and no one, even the Muslim conspiracies, suggest otherwise. Conversely, cult member Mittens is the good, though not particularly well-liked, guy. Perhaps Romneylans believe the angel Moroni or God can both create jobs and repeal Obamacare equally well and Mitts is just the vessel for creating burger-flipping serfs. Who knows? We are not talking rational logic here.

Come on conservatives, hate him because you hate him, and don’t cower behind a false belief like some Democrat wuss. You’re supposed to be the party of hard-edge authoritarianism, not some gaggle of bleeding heart socialists. You are the self-professed, iron-willed masters of the universe. Hating him for being a Muslim is like you bowing to the Queen despite that special Anglo-Saxon relationship. Hate him for something real like being black or singing Motown passably well or being a taxing taxer of the over taxed taxpayer. Be genuine. Be real. Fess up and admit Obama being a Muslim and Mitt being a Mormon are about the same thing.

The answer to the question, “why does it matter” is this. It doesn’t. Not by a Muslim longshot.

Of course Fischer’s take is nothing unusual. In the past, he’s equated gay sex with domestic terrorism (apparently foreign terrorists are only heathen Muslims, but never gay ones), called for the euthanization of grizzly bears, and advocated criminalization of homo sex with mandatory reparative therapy and if that fails, execution.

Way to hate the sin, love the sinner there Bry.

It’s not that it’s scary this ass cake says such loathsome and offensive things, it’s that many people actually side with the nut. It’s not that conservative politicians sometimes support him, but that their Prop. 8 marriages of convenience tie them to the crackpot thereby forcing independents and more liberal Republicans to either desert the party or go along for the sake of the party and enable a swing farther toward the lunatic fringe and away from common sense conservative ideals.

It’s tempting to say Christians who think he’s a crapweasel denounce him, just as Christians think Muslims should denounce their crackpots too. Just writing off the addle-brained ninny is tempting too. After all, he calls enough attention to his bigotry without any help, regularly reminding the rest of the public just what a jughead he is. But, it is tempting to hunt the bastard and his ilk down and give them a taste of their own savage medicine.

However, the rest of us are sentient beings who’d never dream of doing unto others what Fischer does to them.

I'M A-SCARED! - Juan Williams' Muslim statement says more about him than it does about Muslims. What the hell is everyone so scared of?

Juan Williams, Fox News contributor and now ex-NPR reporter, was fired for saying he’s nervous when Muslims board his plane. As might be expected, conservatives are howling to yank NPR funding and liberals are saying NPR jumped the gun ala Shirley Sharrod. It’s nice to see we’ve finally achieved bipartisanship by rallying around the notion that NPR sucks – unless, of course, you’re a fan of opera.

When I first heard about this story, the idea that Williams had become some sort of overnight racial profiler didn’t even occur to me. After all, he has a long history of speaking out against racism in its many forms or at least as often as he can before Britt Hume or some other ass cake interrupts him. No, the first thing that jumped into my head was, “What a wuss!”

If Williams is guilty of anything, it’s not racism – it’s his irrational fear of a crackpot amateur videographer living in a Pakistani cave. And if that’s a crime, let’s lock up the rest of fear-crazed America too.

Setting Our Crotches on Fire
So big is our national obsession with fear, that we compliantly allow ourselves to be x-rayed, cavity searched, and deprived of our shoes and belts simply because some idiot mistook his shoe for a candle and another set his crotch on fire.

It seems everyone is terrified of something or someone today. AZ Governatrix Jan Brewer is tremble-kneed over Latinos attacking from Mexico, though curiously not afraid of French Canadians invading Vermont. Sharron Angleis afraid of Canadians so that fear seems to be covered. What a relief, I feared no one would step up for that one. Sharron may also be afraid of Latinos and Asians or someone. They all look alike to her and it’s a tough job so she has to do it.

NO FEAR!

Obama is afraid of failure, Bush is afraid someone will see he was a carbuncle on the ass of democracy – a hint to the Dub, that cat is already out of the bag. Whites are afraid of blacks. Otherwise brave soldiers are afraid someone might look at their armor-piercing peckers in the shower, but feel much safer if they don’t ask the lookie-loo what he’s looking at and said loo doesn’t tell them. And Sarah Palin pretty much scares the crap out of everyone – except CEOs, who fear no one, but are roundly feared by everyone.

All Fear, All the Time
Being afraid of Muslims is like saying you’re afraid of Oklahomans because of Timothy McVey or afraid of Coloradans because a zealot whack job killed an abortion doctor there.

To edit a phrase recently uttered on the Fox Fear Network, “Not all Muslims are terrorists, not all terrorists are Muslims, but all terrorists are terrorists” and they’re in the business of scaring the bejeebers out of people. When they’re successful – and in America they’re fabulously successful beyond their wildest incoherent dreams – they win. They get what they want. They want to say, “BOO!” and see 350 million people simultaneously piss their pants…over a poorly-filmed amateur videotape.

Americans really need to get a grip. There’s nothing wrong with prudent precautions, but building a Maginot Line across the southwest is NOT it. I can live with a stroll through a metal detector, though I still don’t like it nor think it does much. I mean when was the last time a turban-wearing Arab showed up for the 3:15 Delta to Sheboygan carrying one of those round Spy vs. Spy bombs?

So what say we all pull up our big girl, big boy, transgendered pants and act like reasonable adults instead of a pack of screaming Campfire Girls because that new Muslim kid down the block keeps trying to put worms down our backs.

Oh yeah, and hire Williams back…with a raise. It’s the least you could do, you pussies.