The Best of My Life Is Average (Part 3)

It’s time for another part in our ongoing series in the best of the interweb that can help you through your day. (Well, the interweb that is outside of The Lowdown Blog.) Once again, I take us back for some more of the best stories of My Life is Average. I like this site because it’s a bit more relatable to everyone’s average lives and some of the stories on the website are the sort of thing that regularly happen to people. That doesn’t mean that these stories aren’t funny.

(All stories contained in this post should be considered sic’d.)

Today, I realize I try not to think of certain things in front of different people just in case they can read my mind. MLIA

Today, I found out that my girlfriend didn’t break up with me until after Christmas because she wanted the expensive necklace I got her. Too bad her “expensive necklace” only cost me $2.50. Megan, I win. MLIA

Today, I learned that what a woman eats while pregnant will affect the baby’s tastes. So I thought, if I ever get pregnant, I’ll eat only the best foods so my child will have the highest quality palate. Then I remembered… I’m a guy. MLIA.

Today, the National Mustard Museum in my town was vandalized. With ketchup. MLIA.

In chorus one day my teacher was explaining our upcoming fundraiser which happened to be selling fun-shaped pasta. She said to not try and just sell pasta, but to promote the choir. She says “We aren’t selling pasta, we’re selling ourselves!!” Without missing a beat, another student shouted “So we’re PASTA-TUTES?!” My teacher then realized what she had said. MLIA

Today, I was sitting in class when a cop came into our classroom to give an anti-drug lecture. He actually passed around 3 joints for us to look at and said that if he didn’t all three back he would search all of us until we gave it back. When they were passed back, the cop ended up with 4 instead of 3. MLIA

Everyday after class, if we have left over time, my teacher Mr.Evans tells us random Chuck Norris jokes. He is 27. Last week, the whole class just recovered from a laugh, and was in intense silence to hear the next joke. He busted out laughing and almost fell on the floor, screaming “GOD I WISH I COULD TELL YOU THIS ONE BUT IT’S SOOOO INAPPROPRIATE AND SEXUAL SO SWEAR THAT YOU WON’T TELL ON ME AND GET ME FIRED” …After he told it, There was one person still laughing.. we all looked in the back… The principal was there the whole time. MLIA

Last night, I pulled an all nighter to finish my Psychology paper…on sleep deprivation. MLIA

Today I realized that I don’t build pillow forts, hex random strangers, get told I was an ‘awesome’ child, have a grandmother who makes repeated escape attempts from an institution, have a teacher than makes sexual jokes, find boyfriends by wearing something most people think is lame, have a side in the whole Harry Potter/Twilight thing, care about mystery google missions, and I definitely have no one who is dying that needs an MLIA posted. All I really do is study for the SAT. Then I remembered I’m asian. MLIA

Yesterday, I discovered that, while my grandparents were leaving a restaurant, two groups of people were meeting. They loudly started greeting and hugging each other. My grandfather decided to join in. No one even noticed. MLIA.

Yesterday I took a friend to a local restaurante neither of us had been to. When the waitress came my friend said “I’ll have the usual” and I just laughed. We got our food and I was baffled as to how she knew what to bring him. I got a take-home menu and read it when I got home. One of the dishes served there is actually called ‘The Usual.’ MLIA

After reading several MLIA posts about people doing a running jump into their beds to avoid being attacked by a monster I decided to try the same thing. It was really dark… I missed my bed by four inches… I now have a broken nose and every time my mom looks at me she laughs at my failure… Thanks MLIA… Thanks.

Today, my 80-year old grandpa beat me in a push-up competition. He did 2. MLIA.

+oday, I wasn’+ +oo happy when i found ou+ +ha+ +he key be+ween “r” and “y” on +he keyboard is broken. I+’s okay +hough, I found a solu+ion.MLIA

Yesterday, I bet my friend $10 that I could guess any number I hold behind my back. I made $10. MLIA

Today I was texting a guy who had recently broken up with me who was asking me to forgive him. I only spoke to him in Taylor Swift song lyrics. It’s been two hours and he hasn’t noticed anything. MLIA

Today, I rear ended another car and the person I hit happened to be a midget. The guy got out his car and walked to my window, looked up and said, “I am not happy.” I wish I had the courage to say, “Then which one are you?” Instead I just apologized. MLIA

Today I realized that no matter how many times I check Facebook, no one else is awake at 2 in the morning. MLIA

Today, I asked my teacher how you say gay in spanish. He said “twilight.” MLIA.

As a homosexual MLIAer, can I just say– stop calling Edward Cullen gay. We don’t want him either. MLIA.