Saturday, March 31, 2007

Jason is loading construction scraps into a bin and Sarah appears.“I know what you’re thinking,” Jason says.Sarah wonders if the junk in the Platt yard will fit. Then Sarah leaves, and Charlie says the worst thing is that Sarah knows exactly what Jason is thinking.

I’m confused. And Trevor just rewound it, too, so obviously we’re both confused.

Meanwhile, Charlie won’t be Jason’s best man because he’s allergic to weddings after the Shelley fiasco. Jason says he can’t ask Todd. Was that what Jason thought Sarah was thinking about? Best man duties?

Later, Sarah tells Jason that they need to get the moms together more as they’re going to be sort of related. Jason asks Bev if she can handle bar fights. Bev says to bring it on. He still thinks it’s a bad idea.“Jason, just do as you’re told, eh?” Sarah says.“Uh, don’t boss me about, Sarah.”“I wouldn’t if you’d just do as I said without arguing.”“You’ve been told,” Bev smiles.So was the mom thing what Jason thought Sarah was thinking?

Tracy says Dierdre’s taking the sprog for the night so they can play grown ups (what d’you mean, pay bills ‘n stuff?). Charlie says he has too much to do. “Maybe later in the week.”

That is, until he overhears Steve asks Shelley out for dinner at the Italian place. It appears Steve means it and Shelley accepts as Bev giggles in the corner. Charlie immediate asks Tracy out to, you guessed it, the Italian place.

Back at the flat, we learn Charlie is putting a bath big enough for two in Number Six. Tracy wonders why he’s going to so much effort for something he’s just going to rent it or flip it or whatever. Charlie says money buys them options. “When we get a house, it’s going to be a lot better than Number Six.”

Wait a sec, did we miss an episode? Weren’t they pushing Keef out so they could move in right away? Weren’t they standing on the street with armloads of their junk as Keef drove away? I’m so confused by this episode!! Nothing is clear!

OH MAMA MIA

Ashley and Claire bicker over whether or not he wants to go to the antenatal class. He says he’ll look after Joshua so as not to cause a fuss with her mom, who is supposed to be going with her. But he still wants to be involved. Claire reassures him that there’ll be plenty to do when the “bundle of joy” arrives. He’ll just have to catch up on the DVD’s and books later.

Note: I wonder how many degrees of red Ashley could achieve if he saw an actual episiotomy? I just achieved two shades myself and I only had to type the word.

Adam and Joanne are cozy in a Rovers booth, touching shoulders ‘n stuff. Sean wants to know everything they know about Sheffield. They know it’s in Yorkshire and it has two football teams. “It’s also the city where my father lives,” Sean announces. His mom is pretty certain he used to live there, anyway. “I mean, how many Paul Jones’ can there possibly be in Sheffield?”

Approximately 164, apparently. Sean gets right down to it, dialing number 55 on the list. “Five’s my lucky number so 55 is like super lucky.” Unfortunately, it’s not the right Paul Jones, so only 163 more to go!

CHARLIE LAYS HIS CARDS ON THE TABLE

Gawd, I don’t even want to type this part out. But here goes:

Shelley is commenting on her spaghetti. Enter Charlie and Tracy stage right. Charlie uses the opportunity to pretend to be a decent bloke. Makes Tracy look like a right cow, too.

But don’t be fooled, my pretties. The Master Manipulator is at work.

Charlie and Tracy find their own table and the couples exchange sneers and glances across the room. Shelley guesses Charlie did it on purpose, coming to the same restaurant on the same night. Tracy bitches that Shelley did it on purpose. She simultaneously ignores a second call from Dierdre.

Shelley says that Charlie is a distant memory, growing more distant by the minute. Until a bottle or red shows up at the table, compliments of Charlie. Not distant enough, I guess.

Tracy says she’s as likely to be interested in Steve again as Charlie would be in Shelley. Steve sends champagne to them. “Our champagne trumps their poxy-assed red any day,” Shelley says.

Tracy is just offering to go into the kitchen to spit in their tiramisu when her phone rings again and she answers with the ever graceful “What?!” It’s Dierdre, of course, and Amy’s very sick. Steve offers to drive her, and they depart, leaving Charlie and Shelley behind. “Looks like it’s just you and me, then,” Charlie says.

“Shame to let it go to waste,” Charlie retrieves the champagne. Shelley looks like she’s thinking, “what the hell am I doing?” Indeed, Shelley, what the hell are you doing?

Charlie apologizes for “everything I should be sorry for.” Shelley says that’s a long list. “You bullied me, you abused me, and you drove me to the very brink of my sanity.” Charlie appears broken up. “I still remember the good bits,” he says. He remembers the passion, but don’t tell Tracy. He says he’s sorry about he bad bits. He wishes her well for the future.

Shelly looks uncomfortable. “Charlie, I don’t need your permission to be happy anymore. But I am happy.” He says he’s happy she’s happy and that he turned up at the church to marry her and that he was madly in love with her. He says he’ll never feel that way again, and certainly not with Tracy. He says she knows him better than anyone alive.

Oh, now he has a confession. That they’re in the same restaurant isn’t an accident. He set out to ruin her evening. He’s still obsessed with the past. He is still getting over her.

Shelley admits it’s been very civilized but she has to leave now. She’s decides to walk home. He catches up with her, offering to walk a few steps behind her. He follows her to the Rovers’ back door. He asks her to invite him in for a nightcap. He wants to see her inside because a dark and empty pub could be dangerous (despite the fact that it’s always dark and empty when she closes it up every freakin’ night).

“Just one last drink?” she asks, as we all scream NOOOOOoOooooOooooo! At our television sets. Man, is she a sucker, as Charlie well knows because sure enough, he does the Charlie smirk before following her inside.

Just a quick word to let you know that I've been offline somewhat for the last several months - I did not post much, did not attend the British Isles show nor the last couple of pub nights.

What happened is I got separated and divorce is pending. Long story short, everything is fine and nothing bad happened (re: getting separated). It just happened for the usual boring reasons. Anyway, what with the splitting of the household, things have been upside down lately.

Now that my husband is moved into his shiny glass and chrome man-pad (I'm actually a bit envious, it is an amazing and spiffy new-new-new condo), he took all the Rogers digital everything with him. I have opted for basic cable in an effort to simplify my life. So no more taping Corrie on Newfoundland time. I don't even have a VCR! My current TV is one we bought when we got married (er, 12 years ago), which we affectionately refer to as "The Fuzzmaster". I either have to tune in at 7:30 like the rest of the nation, or wake up on Sundays and watch.

So, I'm just a regular single gal who watches Corrie now with no special space age contrapulators.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Okay, let me tell you the storyline first, then I'll do my rant at the end.

Final day for Keef and Craig on the street and Keef has got the movers there while he, Jack and Tyrone are trying to empty the flat. Craig is supposedly upstairs still sleeping, but when Keef checks on him, he's not there. There's a bit of a panic that Craig has taken off to France to be with Rosie.

Keef goes looking in all the boxes for his passport in his worry. Meanwhile, around the corner, David is talking to Craig. He tells him how they were worried he'd had gone to France, but Craig empties out his pocket and tells him he wouldn't have gone far.

David then gets the idea that Craig can stay at the House of Platt until Rosie comes back so he can say goodbye to her proper like. David tells him not to worry, he'll get his mom to agree, so Craig trots off back home to tell Granddad that he's not going with him that he's staying at the Platts.

By this time, David has told mom, sis and grandma about his plan and they've all told him no. Gayle gets in the final word and says that there's just no room and they go out to tell Craig.

David complains that Sarah got to bring home a baby and he can't even have a chum around for a few weeks. (But more about this later.)

Craig, upon hearing this news, runs into the house and locks the door - in order I guess to stay there until Rosie comes back. Even when it looks like Keef is having another vag - er - ANGINA attack, he won't open the door. He merely slips Keef's medicine through the slot.

A crowd gathers outside and there's talk of going in through the roof, but Charlie warns that they'll have to pay for any damage they do. And then 3 seconds later he goes and grabs a crowbar to smash the front door window. (Logic alert)

Charlie doesn't get a chance to do this, as Keef decides that enough is enough and grabs the crowbar from Charlie and smashes the window himself. He and Sally go in to talk to Craig.

Sally does a very nice job of speaking to him about the situation. She tells him that any girl would be honoured to have a boy care this much about her and to go through all this for her. However, she tells him not to think that his love for Rosie is stronger than his granddad's love for him and if he stresses Keef too much and he dies, then where will he be?

She tells him that Rosie did manage to get through and that she was going to call Craig on her mobile. Craig feels much better and decides to stop all of this and help his grandad move the stuff.

We see Sally take a picture of Craig and David with David's new mobile phone. Yes, his new mobile phone that Gayle went out immediately to buy in order to make up for the fact that she wouldn't let Craig stay with them. (groan at will, dear readers.)

Keef phones Audrey to apologize for being brisk with her while the moving fiasco was happening and she comes out to say goodbye properly.

As Keef and Craig get into the car, Charlie demands that Keef pay for the front door. Keef says, 'What front door?' and drives off. (Was it just me, or did Charlie seem amused by this? Like it made him laugh that Keef finally stood up to himself.)

So off they go, with Craig's head out the window like a wistful Cocker Spaniel, thinking about his years on 'the street'.

The 'L' WordShelly confronts her mom about the date set up and asks her why she doesn't just buy her an big shirt with 'loser' written on it, or a hat with a big 'L'....or maybe a....

She also states that she's not really interested in Steve with his prison record, thankyouverymuch.

Meanwhile, Steve tells Liz how he just always looked at Shelly as kind of an Aunt. An Aunt with a moustache. (Logic alert: Shelly and Steve are both in their 30's, how could she be like an aunt?)

But later we see them chit chatting over the bar, while a trilogy of grans (Audrey, Liz and Bev (okay technically not a gran)) watch from across the room.

Bar LiftCharlie is loving having the Rovers to himself as it gives him a chance to torment Shelly. He tells her that Steve is no match for him in the romance department, just ask Tracey. (Ummmm, isn't Tracey with you basically because Steve won't have her?)

Tracey comes in apologizing and begging to be allowed back in and Shel is not sure until Charlie says, 'Forget it Tracey, Shel's enjoying having me to herself.'. Shelly immediately lifts Tracey's ban.

Give Us Thick Crusty Whites, Not PizzasDiggory has given up completely on the pizza idea and is consoling himself at the Rovers with a Hotpot.

Meanwhile Tyrone and Molly are happy as can be, running Weatherfield's newest pizza take out.

EXTRA BONUS - Glacia's RantLet me start by stating that I'm not one of those people who would go to a Star Trek convention and question George Takei on every bit of logic minutiae that I could come up with.

HOWEVER, the Craig storyline is showing such an absolute lack of logic that I can only assume the writer's take us for complete morons. Seriously, the writing for this was nothing short of poor and lazy.

I know they had to write Craig and Keef off the show, but they've really made a mess of how they are doing it.

As many readers have pointed out there are plenty of opportunities for the Harris's to stay on the street - Tracey and Charlie's flat for one (although that might be a bit tight). I also can't buy into the fact that there are NO rentals between Manchester and Bournemouth. A much better storyline would have been that Aunt Broomhilde is deathly ill and needs Keef to come take care of her and therefore Craig would have to go.

But what's driving me truly mad is that Craig has already accepted the fact that he will have to move away with his granddad at the end of 6 weeks. Now his issue is that because of the early move, he will not be able to keep his promise to be there when she returns.

I've done my research online. There are 4 trains a day between Bournemouth and Manchester. The journey takes about 5 1/2 hours. The cost of such a trip is about £75 - 150. So it's like from Toronto to Montreal (give or take).

While this doesn't allows for weekly visits, he can easily BE in Weatherfield when Rosie returns. I'm sure Grandad and the Websters would pay for the trip if needs be. A much easier solution than locking yourself in a house for 6 weeks.

Anyway, that's my rant. I'm actually a little pissed about the sloppiness of the writing - they need to give the audience a BIT more credit for brains.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

And Fred In The BackgroundAshley and Claire have a big blowout that goes along the line of Ashley giving in and saying that what he said to Claire was said in anger. Claire responds that beyond what Ashley has just said, he seems more concerned with Joshua than Claire and the wee bairn.

While this ginger hair smack down is going on, the doorbell rings and Fred says, ‘Oh, I’ll just get that, shall I?’, while waving his jazz hands around. (Favorite moment for Glacia). A few seconds later we see him sneaking Bev through to the kitchen.

Claire storms off and Fred, feminist that he his, tells Ashley to ignore what Claire said because it’s just all those goofy gal hormones talking. Bev steps in and says that it is not hormones and that Ashley needs to grow up and stop neglecting the woman that’s bearing his offspring.

Ashely goes to the streetcars with a large bear and suggests to Claire that they go out for dinner. She accepts and over dinner they kiss and make up.

In addition, they are treated to a floor show.....

Upset by a Set UpBev is upset about Shelly leaving the street and Liz and her breasts come to console her. They ended up talking about their respective offspring and how neither Steve nor Shelley can find a decent human being to partner with.

Later, Liz and her breasts offers to take Steve out for dinner after Vernon cancels. He initially says no, but when she offers to pay he jumps at the chance.

Meanwhile Bev offers to take Shelley out for dinner to cheer her up.

Hey, waaaaaaaaaaaait a minute……

Oh jes, the mums have decided to do an accidental date for the two kids by taking them to the same restaurant – despite Betty’s warning that it will all end in tears (twice).

And of course when Steve and Shelley get to the restaurant, they realize what’s been going on and blast their moms for being so sneaky. They leave the restaurant, yet both end up in the Rovers where they apologize to each other, laugh a bit and end up a bit cozy at the end of the bar.

Bev and Liz and her breasts find them there and feel that it’s Mission Accomplished.

Was That Keats or Yeats?Tracey tries to weasel her way back into the Rovers, but after this attempt fails she starts hollering at Shelley in the street. Ken asks her if she must always behave like a harridan in front of Amy.

Tracey, clearly annoyed by Ken’s expenditure of two bits on a word, dumps Amy on him while she goes to buy stuff for the new house. (Where the HELL is all this money coming from? She doesn’t work and Charlie hardly seems to the type to just hand over the credit card.)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, David must come to the Barlows for his tutoring session, which he equates with going to the crypt keeper’s due to the abundance of OAP’s. Nonetheless, he is sent off to spend the day with Ken and Blanche.

Ken is reciting some poem to David, which I didn’t get due to the abundance of German Shepherd noise in my house. The poem I heard was,

On a similar canine note, Blanche has her own to share with young Master Platt.

I have a dog and his name is spot. Sometimes he’s white and sometimes he’s not

*Deidre (1907) - Yeats

The Good News Is – You Don’t Have to Look at that Easter Egg Wallpaper Anymore**Keef has arranged for movers and Jack comes over to help him pack up. (Frankly, I’m surprised that in such a small neighbourhood with so many people disliking Charlie there weren’t more neighbours there helping out.)

A sad scene occurs when Keef breaks down in tears an tells Jack that he feels like he’s let Angela down by not taking care of Craig and now even the lad is mad at him. Jack comforts him and tells him he did everything he could.

Craig, meanwhile, upset that his granddad is a push over, confronts Charlie on the street. He lets into Charlie, who does a lot of smirking. Finally Charlie makes some comment that if Rosie was a bit older, he’d try to seduce her with his toolbelt. Craig attacks Charlie, who easily pushes him off and tells him to stay in his own league.

Back on the street, Tracey tells Sally that someone should slap that young trouble maker Craig. Sally responds that someone should have slapped her way back in 1990.

**

In Other NewsFlash boy is late for another date with Maria – but she forgives him and his expensive car.

Molly has Diggory handing out flyers to houses on the street announcing the addition of pizza to the bakery. Diggory tries but in the end says it’s too humiliating to try and stir up business this way.

Frankie calls Nathan for a few minutes, but he later finds out that she spoke to Liz and her breasts for hours. He is pissed, and Glacia just doesn’t care about this character anymore.

Bonus fun...guess the movie where the first picture is from... One of Glacia's favorites.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Franz Ferdinand, More Than Just a Scottish Breakfast CerealKen's first day as tutor to Scumspawn - I mean David - has arrived. He is greeted by Gayle who asks him not to be too rough of her wee boy as he's been through a lot.

They start in with English and the Lord of the Flies. David tries to scam his way out of learning by suggesting that he run down to the video store and get the DVD. Ken tells him to plant it as they're actually going to do some work today.

Ken proves to be the accomplished educator we knew him to be by asking David which character he liked the most and comparing David's life to that of Piggy's. Later on, we see Ken and David talking about the causes of the first world war and a shocked David learns that Franz Ferdinand was like are real live person.

Yes, dear, a real person. You might be interested in knowing that other popular bands make historical refrences in their names, such as 'Joy Division', 'Dead Kennedys' and that famous boy band from the 90's 'British North American Act' with their mega hit, 'Girl, I'm Entitled to 25 Acres of Land, 4 Oxen and 15 Sacks of Wheat a Year.'

Charlie's a Jerk - Part 1Tracey is cleaning with anger and is cross with Charlie about the Amy fiasco. Charlie cleverly gets her to channel her anger to the real villian in all of this, Shelly. He assures Tracey that he's got something planned to get back at Shel. (Hmmm...will it be as good as the Red Shoe Diaries?)

The Terrible Twosome take off to the Rovers (Wait? Who's watching Amy?!) where they are greeted by an angry Bev who wants them both banned. Shelly tells Charlie that although she can't stand him, he's done nothing wrong and he can stay. Tracey, however is out.

Imagine Tracey's suprise when Charlie decides to say a little 'Bye, bye ma cowgirl' and stays behind as her ass is getting hoisted out by Bev.

Charlie does a bit of banter with Shel about how her anger just shows she's still has feelings for him,etc. She tells him to drop dead and that she's leaving town to a place where he can never, ever, ever, ever find her. Charlie smirks and says, 'Yeah, you'll be back.' No one can forget the Charlie'.

Charlie's a Jerk Part Deux

Keef is busy packing as they are to move to Craig's aunt's in six weeks. Craig is being in denial and can't figure out why Grandad is packing so far ahead of time. Keef complains that Craig has no idea how much there is to do, to which Craig retorts that the last tiem they moved there was no time to take anything. (Readers may remember that Craig's family came to Weatherfield in some kind of Witness Protection Program.)

Meanwhile at Roy's Rolls, Tracey confronts Charlie about his lack of solidarity as she was tossed out of the pub. Charlie tells her that it's not her fault she can't control her temper, but no worries, he has something to cheer her up.

They approach Keef on the street and Charlie tells him that he found out that Angela is the legal tenant of Number 6, not Keef. Therefore, there's no obligation on Charlie's part and Keef has 48 hours to clear out.

Glacia doesn't buy this legal reasoning at all. Surely there are some rights due to the fact that Craig is Angela's son. Also, can you toss someone out of a rental like that - one that's not your own residency? I'm sure there's some legal protection here.

So Keef's got to scramble around to get all this sorted out and when he tells Craig about the situation, Craig launches into the, 'I told Rosie I'd be here when she got back.' spiel. Keef tells him to grow up, the wee romance is over.

BTW - the text messaging across borders IS a fortune. I once ended up with a lovely $84 text bill after one trip to Europa.

And Ashley is a Jerkface TooThe social worker is coming today and Claire reminds Ashley to keep his cool with her. She's just doing her job and he's not going to win anyone over by getting angry.

She expresses concern about the fact that she hasn't felt the baby move in a few days but is sure it's okay.

Well, no, it's not okay. The midwife tells her to get to the hospital asap. She tells Ashley, who insists on going with her. She tells him not to worry, she'll go herself because he's got to be there for the social worker. He says, screw the social worker and asks Fred to take care of Josh and to cancel the appointment. (Remember this bit, dear readers.)

Turns out the baby was okay, just resting, but other than that healthy. Claire and Ashley are happy and arrive at home all a giggle; that is until they see the social worker there. Fred explains that he couldn't reach her in time to cancel.

The social worker seems very lovely and understands that they needed to go to the hospital and asks if everything is okay. The meeting goes as expected, the social worker trying to explain Matt's position and Ashley trying to not be beligerant but failing.

After the social worker leaves, Ashley's convinced that he ruined the interview. When Claire tries to console him, he says that everything would have been okay if she hadn't insisted that he come to the hospital. (Uuuummmm, in fact, I think she told you to stay at home, you insisted on coming.) He does this whole rant about how she and her baby are ruining his life. Claire tells him to drop dead.

Is it just me, or does this seem really weird? This change from nice guy to jerkface with Ashley. What the hell is going on? Do you think he regrets marrying Claire?

Pizza PizzaMolly tells Diggory that Sarah and Jason came in asking for pizza and she thinks it'd be a great idea if he branched out into the pizza game. Diggory is hesitant, but is willing to give the public what they want.

It appears that Bruce Jones (aka Les Battersby) has been suspended from the show for an alleged drunken fiasco at a restaurant. Apparantly he came in, started insulting fans and talking about upcoming storylines.

The details can be found online, but be warned. BIG BIG SPOILER (for Canadians) is in this article about the current storyline going on overseas.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Les sees Lloyd in the street and tells Kirk to watch the master at work. Les lets slip that he has been talking to Steve about working for him and was wondering if Lloyd can make him a better offer with his new firm. Lloyd tells Les that he and Steve are partners again, but Les is welcome to apply for a job anytime.

Kirk wonders if 'the plan' went the way Les intended it to.

Pride

Claire and Ashley are having an evening in. Claire the pregnant one is having sweet cravings. They discuss the impending visit of the welfare officer, who is to determine if they are fit parents for Joshua. Ashley is still up in arms about the whole affair, doubting any good will come of it, and wishing Matt Ramsden had never stuck his oar in. Claire tells her husband to get a grip. Ashley says he is isn't being defensive, he's being defiant. Whatever that means. In the end he promises to ring the welfare officer and be on his best behaviour when she comes round.

Lust

Having fulfilled her sweet craving, Claire the pregnant one decides she is craving 'something spicy now' as she plays with Ashley's steadily receding hairline, and gives him the look that say she's in the mood for a little rumpy pumpy.

Lay back and think of England Ashley...

Envy

Steve and Lloyd run into each other in The Rovers and have a reasonably civilized interaction. Kelly, sitting in a booth nearby, sees this and tries to whinge her way back into Lloyd's good graces. If he can forgive Steve for what happened, maybe Lloyd can forgive her as well? Lloyd tells her it isn't the same thing betwen mates as it is with a bird, and he isn't interested in taking her back.

Greed

The factory girls try to apologize to Leanne for all the horrible things she heard them say about her. They didn't mean it, they were just being daft. A bunch of right cows I say. Leanne isn't having it, she tells them to hit the road and asks for the bill. She is left with Janice at a table full of food and no one to eat it. Sean show up at the last moment but has to leave with the girls.

Of course the girls all go back to The Rovers for a drink and a healthy dinner of crisps. Adam is sitting in a booth and is delighted to see Joanne so soon, now they can go out on their date. Previous to this Kelly opened her big gob to Joanne about what Adam's intentions might be, so Joanne is a bit suspicious. While they are waiting for a cab to take them into town Adam asks Joanne an innocent question about how things are at the factory. Fearing what Kelly said earlier might be true, Joanne tells Adam she has changed her mind and is going to call it a night. Adam is confused by this sudden change of heart and asks what is wrong. Joanne accuses him of only asking her out in an attempt to find out some dirt on Danny and the factory, not because he is interested in her. Adam denies this charge, and persuades Joanne that his intentions are good. Or bad - if you know what I mean - wink wink nudge nudge. In the end they drive off in the taxi for their first date.

Gluttony

Back in the Italian Leanne and Janice have a heart to heart about life, love and all those important things. Janice assures Leanne that she is proud of her and Danny wants to marry her for the right reasons, but if he makes a hash of it Leanne still has the original Mike Baldwin will to blackmail Danny with. Janice wonders how much money is left in the kitty for the girls night out. 120 pounds says Leanne. Janice wonders how they should spend it - on drink ot at a club?

Wrath

Steve and Shel have been unable to find Amy and can't reach Tracey on her moblile. Emily tells them that the Barlow's are at a family do in Hyde. Steve, having finally grown a set since Ronny left, kicks the door to the flat open and he and Shel race upstairs. The dynamic duo discover that Amy is nowhere to be found, but what they do find is a note from Tracey telling Charlie that Amy is sleeping over at Number 8 under the watchful eye of Sarah Platt. Shel thinks what they have done is a total cock-up and starts to look a little paranoid about what Charlie will do when he gets home. Steve tries to calm her down, they did what any reasonable person would do under the circumstances, and besides - Charlie's a builder, he'll have everything fixed up in no time. Steve leaves a note explaining what has happened.

Tracey is the first to arrive home and discovers the broken door. Fearing the worst she rings both Charlie and the police about a possible intruder in their flat. It would seem the coppers are tired of responding to calls from Corontion Street since Charlie arrives first - in a cab. He grabs a piece of lumber from the yard as a weapon and makes his way into the flat to discover - no one, only the note from Steve.

Charlie and Tracey make their way into The Rovers to confront Steve and Shel about what they have done to the door. Much yelling and caterwauling ensues. Shel tries to explain that when she heard the earlier conversation between Charlie and Tracey she honestly thought that Amy had been left on her own - Tracey had gone to her family do and Shel saw Charlie take the bus into town. Tracey defends Charlie, saying he only went into town after seeing the note she had left about Amy being at the Platt's. Shel says she followed Charlie out of the pub, and he never went into the flat, he just got staight onto the bus. He denies this allegation but looks a little guilty. Tracey realizes that Charlie never saw the note, and asks him if he did stop at the flat - who is taking care of Amy? Charlie is unable to answer.

Busted.

Tracey turns her wrath onto Charlie for awhile, but somehow these two with their twisted minds manage to turn the blame back onto Shel for what happened. Shel conducts an informal pub quiz and asks all the punters present if they thought Tracey is a bad enough mother to leave her toddler unattended, trusting Charlie 'I have a heart smaller and blacker than the Grinch' Stubbs to step up and make sure the child was taken care of. No one speaks in their defence. Tracey goes ballistic and tries to leap over the bar and attack Shelley. Charlie grabs her and drags her out while she screams that she will kill the two of them. Charlie mutters something about getting his revenge as well.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

“Push the boa-? Hey, you spend more than 200 quid on booze for that lot mate and you’ll sink the boat,” he says as he gives her more money for the Girls’ Night Out.

But the factory lot aren’t too keen on this whole thing. Leanne’s freaking them out with the “let’s be pals” stuff. Still, when did they ever turn down free booze?

Adam recommends a genealogy website to Sean and lends him a computer. In exchange, Sean offers to lend him Joanne. No, really, take my seat, he insists in the cafe. Wink, wink.

Fortunately for Sean, Adam and Joanne actually hit it off and wind up making plans to meet after Leanne’s obligatory work ‘do.

At the restaurant, Leanne starts the night off by suggesting they all switch chairs every once in awhile to get to know different people. Even Fiz says “but we already know each other!”

Unfortunately, Leanne later overhears them speaking very nastily about her, everything from how she should be hiding under a rock considering her past to how she’s more like a high class prostitute.

Harsh.

“I did work in a lap dancing club once, but only serving behind the bar, y’know,” she interrupts angrily and stomps off.

SEAN IS A VIRGO AS HE WAS BORN IN SEPTEMBER, 1976

“Watch and learn, Grasshopper, watch and learn,” Les says to Kirk. He tells Steve that Lloyd’s offered him a very attractive package. However, if Steve makes him Senior Driver, gives him a posh car and first dibs on all the airport runs, he’ll shift his alliance.

Steve considers for about, oh, two seconds before replying that Lloyd’s welcome to him.

Meanwhile, Liz has lost her patience with the whole situation. “You’re like a couple of daft kids,” she says and practically drags Steve over to Streetcars by his ear.

And so for your reading pleasure, here is Steve’s apology in full (so you can perform it at parties ‘n such):

“Look, I’m really sorry that I slept with Kelly. There’s no excuse and I were out of order. I broke one of the solemn vows of male friendship and I’m a lowlife.”“You’re only saying that because your mum’s stood here.”“Well, yeah. But also because it’s true. I did a lousy thing. If you can find it in your heart to ever forgive me then I swear I’ll never do anything like it again.”“See, all I wanted was a bit of remorse, a bit of genuine remorse, instead of all this male bravado.”“And you’re getting it now in bucket loads!”“Yeah, don’t go overboard, though, it makes you look insincere.”“Will you please shake my hand?”They do. “Hug?” Steve asks.“Don’t push it.”

Steve and Lloyd negotiate a deal – Lloyd gets his flat back and Steve covers the cost of decorating. Lloyd will be the license holder. And it will be called “Lloydie Cabs” and Lloyd will be Senior Partner. Okay, maybe not. They clink cans to an equal partnership.

A TOP SONG IN 1976 WAS Don't Go Breaking My Heart BY ELTON JOHN AND KIKI DEE

Tracy brings Charlie and Jason popsicles (chocolate and orange). “It’s a lolly, Charlie, how can there be a catch?”Of course there’s a catch. There’s always a catch. She wants him to go her family’s party with her. But Charlie’s still not interested. They have words. But Tracy needs something from him, so she shifts gears.“I hate all this,” she says in honeyed tones.“No you don’t, you love it.”“Not like this, not wh-““Not when you don’t get your own way.” Does Charlie know her or what?

She wants him to babysit Amy. Absolutely not, says Charlie. He’s meeting friends at the pub later. Watch Tracy’s mood change on a dime! But Charlie is unmoved. Unfortunately, Steve’s off to a car auction and her parents are busy, so Tracy’s up the creek.

Plan B: She creates the perfect night in for Charlie, right down to a DVD and sticky toffee pudding. She’s determined to stick him with babysitting duties. “I won’t be late, Charlie, I promise,” she says as she bounces off to shower.

Charlie simply finishes his pudding and leaves. Tracy emerges from the bedroom all primped and preened to find the flat empty and Charlie at the Rovers. “Right, you’ve made your point. Finish your pint and go home,” she orders. Oh yes, we all know how well that sort of thing goes over wth Charlie.

Shelley overhears as Tracy and Charlie argue. It seems that no one will be checking on Amy, let alone staying home with her. Shelley tries to have a word with Charlie but he doesn’t care if Shelley calls Social Services or if the house burns down. He certainly won’t give Shelley a key to check up on on the poor kid.

So Shelley leaves the bar to check to see if Amy was really left alone. No one answers the door. In a panic, she finds Steve and explains the situation. Of course Steve is horrified. Is his baby in danger?

Friday, March 23, 2007

Charlie strolls in after a night out drinking. Instead of screaming "Where were you?" and all that, Tracy treats Charlie extra nice. Charlie, who says he was out with old mates he hadn't seen in ages doing tequila shots, says most women would have his head after what he pulled.

Tracy counters that she is not most women.

As they take Baby Unibrow for a stroll, Tracy tells Charlie she's bought a chicken, as he couldn't have had much to eat last night. He mentions something about a kebab van in a fuzzy memory somewhere. She tells him she'll she's going make a nice dinner, doing her Nigella Lawson bit. I take this to mean she's going to affect an upper class accent and start licking chocolate frosting off her fingers. *sigh*

Later at the flat, Charlie is in the shower and Tracy is all tarted up to the nines. She tells Amy, "Mummy's just popping out. Uncle Charlie's going to look after you tonight. You going to be a good girl?"

Amy stares blankly into space, with her thumb in her nose, much like I do during scenes at the Platt house.

Tracy strolls down to the Rovers and orders a red wine, telling Shelley that Charlie is going to take care of Amy while she goes out on a pish-up (Tracy, not Amy). She adds that he's a real pussycat around her.

"I guess you just have to know how to handle him," she says. Shelley takes Tracy's money and mutters that she can't wait to leave this place as she places it in the till.

At the flat, Charlie comes out of the shower and finds no Tracy but a note in her place with instructions for the care and feeding of the domestic female toddler. Charlie is seething. Amy is terrified of the blinding white glow radiating from his naked torso.

Later as Amy screams for Mummy, Charlie puts on a kid's CD and dials Tracy's phone, holding it up so she can hear her daughter's cries of terror when she picks up. Suddenly, Charlie hears Tracy's phone ring. She left it behind. Curses! Outfoxed again!

When she gets back, Charlie is in a foul mood but Tracy says it's par for the course, given what he pulled. Charlie points out that she left her child with him. Charlie admits it was a cunning plan as they prepare for their nightly bout of hate sex.

Tracy asks if they're ok now. He says, yes, for now.

"I've heard the landlord is a bit of a misery."

Steve gives Kelly the news that Lloyd has moved out of the cab flat. Eileen finds Lloyd loading up one of the cars he got in the divorce and tells him Eileen Grimshaw's Home for Stray Animals, Weatherfield's Only No-Kill Shelter, is open to him and hands him a key. He promises it'll just be a few days.

Back at his flat, Steve is dealing with his mother's pestering and Vern's drumming. He suggests now that the taxi flat is open, they could move in.

"Oh no," Vern protests. "I've heard the Landlord is a bit of misery," he adds, punctuating his lame jokes with rim shots.

Later, Steve meets with a car dealer to negotiate the purchase of some new Mercedes for his new firm. The dealer offers six cars for 18 grand (wha?!?!). Lloyd sees this and starts badmouthing him about not taking any cheques and to watch his wife around him. Eileen sees this and comes over and bops their heads together, as she does.

Later, she suggests that it would be better if they just everything behind them and got back together because it's clear that neither of them are going to make a go of their proposed taxi firms. Lloyd says he still can't forgive Steve nor Kelly. Later, she tells Liz that she's had enough of their moaning and is off to London for a week to stay with Todd.

In Other News

Leanne is still trying to get the girls at the factory to like her.

Bev thinks it's her fault Shelley is leaving. Fred tells her it's not true. He also tells Shelley there will always be a place for her the Rovers.

Ashley and Claire come back from vacation to find a letter from the court, arranging a home visit.

Sean finds Adam in Roy's with a bouquet of flowers. They're for his dad's grave. He learns that Roy and Hayley visit regularly and tidy it up. They say they like to visit old friends. Adam says he didn't realise how many friends his dad had thinks about weeding the grave site regularly, like he did for his mum.

Later in the Rovers, Sean decides to play matchmaker and asks Adam what he thinks of Joanne. He thinks she's alright (aren't they dating already).

"Alright?!" Sean retorts. "Have you ever seen her glammed up? Even I fancy her and I'm as gay as a Mexican tablecloth! I reckon you should ask her out. She's like a young Beyonce. But without the hips ..... or the voice..... or the money."

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Steve and Lloyd are arguing outside the door to Streetcars over who gets custody of the mail. Steve shows Lloyd that none of it is addressed to him. This still does not seem to satisfy him.

Later, Steve spots Les at his new job: handing out flyers for Wong's. Steve tells him he's setting up a new cab firm and would like Les to be one of his drivers. Les thinks this is a lot better than handing out flyers but Steve tells him to keep it under his hat.

Meanwhile at Eileen's, Lloyd is trying to get Eileen to come work for him. His offer is typical of the market in which the skilled labourer is spoiled for choice: 20 more quid per week, her own radio and telly, and possibly even uniforms.

Despite this dazzling offer. Eileen thinks its best to stick with her original employer. Hey, not everything is about money.

Later, Lloyd tries to get Les to flip by buying his lunch at Roy's (Roy suggests a side salad with his lasagna. Les prefers chips). Steve stops by and offers to match Lloyd's proposal. Lloyd counters that he'll offer half as much more but Steve counters with three-quarters. Les adds that fractions make his brain hurt. Steve thinks the drivers will be worth more than the owner. Lloyd doesn't seem concerned with this arrangement and hands Les a fiver for lunch.

At this rate, a judge is going to make Les and Eileen stand up in a courtroom and point to the mommy or daddy they want to live with.

Back at the office, the guys are fighting over who gets custody of what. Lloyd points out that it belongs to both of them and he's going to try to get what's his. It begins to escalate from there: who gets the kettle, the TV, the ratty chair, the nice chair, the microphone, until Steve pulls the blinds off the window and hands them to Lloyd, saying all he needs now is a window.

Lloyd then tries to drag the desk out with him (and take it where, exactly?). Steve tells him he also wants him out of his flat.

Lloyd asks if Steve is as turned on as he is. Steve responds that he is more turned on. They then begin passionately making out.

Wait, that was "Cheers." Lloyd just takes his TV and walks out, homeless.

Shelley's New Job

Bev tells Shelley that Andrew Moore from the Brewery was on the phone and is coming 'round to me. Bev adds that he's single but Shelley can't quite tell her it's about that job.

Shelley does tell her that he's there on business and is there to see how she runs a pub. Bev says Fred didn't mention anything about it. Shelley says it has nowt to do with Fred.

Later when they've had a moment to sit down, Mr. Moore offers Shelley the job in a country pub. Shelley asks for a few days to think about it.

All of this, has not escaped the attention of Charlie.

Shelley tells Bev about the offer, saying that there is less and less of a place for her at the Rovers. Bev agrees that she should do what makes her happy but it clearly affected by the news.

Family Reunion

Blanche is asking Tracey to attend the engagement party of a relative she never heard of named Eva. Tracey claims she has other plans, but Blanche disbelieves her.

Blanche returns from making a phone and Tracey tells her that she's still not going and even if she did, she'd have nobody to talk to.

Blanche counters that she could speak to Lesley, the accountant. She also adds she told them all about Tracey's sordid history.

"I told them you used to be on drugs."

"That was years ago when I still played by Dawn Acton!"

"And they know about your time in London. I did my best to draw a veil over it but they are au fait with your broken marriage and your illegitimate daughter. And they know you can't hold down a job (apart for the occasional flower-arranging-ed). An unmarried mother living over the brush. No job, no income, no house, no car. No wonder you hide from your relatives!"

Tracey seems stung by Blanche's words and declares that she is going to the party after all. That way, they can't drag her through the mud. She asks Charlie to go along so she can show him off. He refuses and becomes agitated when she presses the issue. He storms off to spend the night in town and tells her not to wait up.

Nobody Loves Me, Everybody Hates Me

Leanne is late arriving to Underworld and the girls are concerned that Danny is going to dock their pay. She assures them that it's not the case and tosses the keys to Sean. Kelly suggests she be nice to Sean as he received some bad news yesterday. Janice tells Leanne that she'll fill her in when they're in her office.

Leanne later complains to Janice that the girls won't accept her as one of their own. Janice suggests the problem is remedied by booze.

Leanne asks the girls if they'd like to go out this weekend for a booze-up in celebration of her birthday. They seem less than enthused but agree to go out.

In Other News

Sean's mother gives him a photo of Paul Jones but Sean doesn't think he looks much like him. Sean says he wants a real father, to be somebody's son.

Maria's new fancy man, Chris, shows up an hour late for their date, on account of work, he claims. Maria's previous protestations she would not tolerate such a thing seem to have disappeared as he spirits her off into the intoxicating embrace of a Weatherfield night in July.

The American Robin, a traditional harbinger of the arrival of spring. The scientific name for this bird is turdus migratorious, which translates from the Latin as flying piece of crap. Or something like that.

The Blind and Dumb Wif of WefferfieldDavid is being a right little swanker and trying to work Gail around his little finger.

He tells her that the english assignment he has is Canterbury Tales and that she just needs to read 'The Prioress Prologue and Tale' and they'll be set.

Of course, Gayle, who apparantly hadn't know about Olde Englishe happily sits down to give the book a boo.

But Jesu Crist, as ye in bookes fynde, Wil that his glorie laste and be in mynde, And for the worship of his Mooder deere Yet may I synge O Alma loude and cleere.

She is stumped by the first 'swanke' and later confesses to Audrey that she may not be up to the task. Audrey suggests asking retired Ken to help and bada bing ba boom, Ken's agreed to help out and David is not entirely pleased.

Glacia is DYING to see how Ken handles this situation.

The Baker's Prologue and TaleMolly is in an ass grabbing mood as she sneaks up on Tyrone from behind. Initially, he thinks he got lucky with Emily, but is still pleased when he sees it's Molly.

Molly asks him if he'd be willing to help out at Diggory's to see her dad through this rough patch. She's taking time off from the kennel and wouuld love it if Ty could through in some help. She reminds him that it'll just be the chip truck, except this time they won't set the bakery on fire and throw it into a pond.

They approach Diggory, who initially says no because he can't afford to pay them. When they explain that they will be working for free, he accepts their help.

Meanwhile, Audrey buys a pastry from Diggory and back at Gayle's says how awful it is.

The Barmaid's Prologue and TaleShelly gets a call from the brewery and they want her to come in for an interview to be manageress of another pub.

She asks Betty to fill in for her and explains where she is going. She says that she just needs to get away to get some excitement in her life. Betty tells her that as she gets older she'll realize that excitment is overrated.

Shelly asks her to not tell Bev as Bev will worry too much. Betty says, 'Well, worry is what mother's are for.'

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand seque over to the crappy mom.....

'The Plumber's Prologue and Tale' Sean asks Leanne for yet more time off to follow up on the 'Who's Your Daddy' mystery and she agrees but gives him a warning. She also wishes him good luck and says that if he can't find his dad, he's always welcomed to hers.

Sean's mom is kind of a self involved sort of mom. Back from her vacation she brings him back a bottle of cheap wine she got at the duty free. feeeeeeeeeeeeel the love.

They have tea over at Eileen's and he comes straight to the point and asks her what the story with him and his mystery dad. She tries to avoid the subject by showing vacay pics and then accusses Brian of lying about the dad thing - but Sean makes her tell the truth.

The truth is, his real dad is a plumber named Paul Jones whom she met at some community square dance or some such thing. (Why does this remind me of South Park all of a sudden?)

She tries to make out like Brian is the bad guy in all of this by having his affair, but Sean stops her with my favorite line from the episode, 'And what? You just found me under a Goosebeery bush?'

She tries to do a bit of kiss and make up, but he's all 'don't touch me!' and sends her on her way. Later, he commiserates with Violet and her sex god boyfriend Jamie.

The Carriageman's Prologue and TaleSteve is feeling a bit happy and relieved about losing the Streetcars and is looking forward to a new life and new adventure when he had gumption. Liz and her breasts remind him that it was that gumption that ended him up in jail and in hospital.

Later, at the Rovers, he tells her he has a cunning plan. He wants to buy out Lloyd and set Eileen up as liscensee of Streetcars. He'll call in Justin and Colin to give the place a make over and et voila - a bigger better streetcars.

Eileen is not so hopeful this will work as it relies on Lloyd selling up.

The Underpants Model Prologue and TaleLes goes into the factory to ask his daughter for some work as at the moment he has no job, no money and no sex from Cilla. To make matters worse, the dole isn't what it used to be - you actually have to show you're trying to get work!

Leanne tells him there's no work available and he's pissed that she can find Janice work, but not him. On his way out, Janice tells him that they're looking for male models for their new line of men's knickers and that he should come for a photo shoot. And oh yeah, bring an extra sock.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Chris the new boy pulls up in his flash ride with a rose in his hand looking for his 5:00 haircut appointment with Maria. He pops round the Salon but the door is locked, so he calls Maria on his mobile. She tells him to stop in at number 5, that's where the shearing is to take place. Chris wonders if she is taking the mick with him, so he asks two of the locals who are sitting on a bench nearby what the story is with Maria. Of course it is Ty and Molly on the bench. Ty, good lad that he is, tells Chris that Maria is alright, and that she is cutting her brother's hair, and there is nothing underhanded going on.

Maria has just finished cutting Kirkeh's hair while he is sitting on a loo in the back yard. Chris wonders why Maria is cutting hair on a loo outside - she tells him Audrey doesn't want her using the salon to cut hair on her own time. Chesney points out that his mom doesn't want hair or blood on the floor inside either. Maria assures Chris that she is no Sweeney Todd, but all of a sudden he is wondering about growing his hair long.

Chris tries to justify his standing up of Maria the other day by explaining that he had a client fly in from Europe for a day looking for a swank place to live. He hints it was someone who had 'a good World Cup' and is coming to live in Manchester. Kirk and Chesney want to know if it is a new signing for City or United*. Chris can't tell them the details, but assures them it is exciting news.

* The lads are referring to Manchester City and Manchester United, the two Premiership football clubs in Manchester. Chris is talking about a new player from a continental club who might play for City or United.

Chris and Maria are outside the flat when they hear Kirk sing a special song* for Fiz, who thinks it is dead romantic, Chris makes up a few lines for Maria on the spot, who is also impressed. Fiz accuses Chris of plagarism.

* The song he bought from Vern who wrote it 'just for Liz'.

Liz and Vern happen to be walking by at the same time and hear the song being sung by Kirk. The queen of the jubblies wants to what the hell is going on - why is Kirk singing 'her' song. Vern mumbles something about trying to prove to Steve that he could sell a song. And Fiz does rhyme with Liz after all...

Gail is out looking for David. She stops in at The Cafe and asks Roy if he has seen her son. Sorry, not today. She looks perturbed. Keith stops by with some type of garden green and inquires how things are going. The two neighbours commiserate for awhile about the trouble with teens. David makes an appearance at last and spins a yarn about going to the library to work on his maths - and then proceeds to impress them with an explanation of what Y means in the equation. Once again young David manages to slither his way out of a predicament.

Molly continues to be concerned about Diggory's behaviour, and wonders why he is open late these days. Roy is curious about the extended hours as well. Diggory admits to his daughter that he was at the bank about a business loan - just to tide things over mind you. Our resident baker then goes on a bit of a romantic monologue about the noble profession of baking, how it dates back to the days of the pyramids, how it is the only profession mentioned in The Lord's Prayer*, and how much he really loves what he does.

* 'Give us this day our daily bread...' Matthew 6:11

The four musketeers are sitting around the office of Streetcars with nothing to do. The phone rings. Eileen tells them 'I've got nothing for you - ever'. Steve tries to lighten the mood by pointing out that there is nothing to prevent Lloyd from getting the needed licence to run the cab firm, Steve could continue on as a driver and everyone will live happily ever after. Lloyd agrees to this plan - but only if Steve agrees to sell his share of the business to him for 5,000 pounds and to never come back. Much bickering ensues between the two about who is to blame for all that has gone wrong in recent days, of course including the topic of Kelly. Lloyd gets the last word in about the Steve/Kelly tryst 'She'd rather be in bed with shingles'.

Steve assures Eileen that he will do whatever it takes to get the firm up and running again - except give into Lloyd.

Sean and Eileen have a moan in their flat about their respective lives. Sean is unhappy with what his mom has done. Eileen is unhappy with Steve's sex life and how much trouble it has caused her. They decide to go The Rovers and drown their sorrows.

Les stops in at home and finds Cilla in the back working on her tan and reading a travel brochure. Les mentions that they might have to give the holiday a miss this year, owing to the cab firm shutting down. He is brave enough to suggest that she might work a few extra shifts at the chippy. Cilla is mightily unimpressed. They decide to go to The Rovers for a drink.

Liz has arranged for a birthday cake for Steve from Diggory. The only problem is she and Vern can't seem to find the birthday boy. The deadbeat drummer suggests the pub might be a good place to look.

Meanwhile, at the pub, Steve and Lloyd are on opposite ends of the bar sniping at each other. Violet is doing her best to keep the peace. Cilla and Les add their two pence to the debate, she wants to know how they will manage on her part time wages, Les mentions his P45*, nobody is happy with Steve and his romantic dalliances, and the mess he has gotten them into.

* P45 - an income tax form in the UK, perhaps simlar to our ROE**.** Record of Employment.

Out in the street Liz gets Vern to light the candles on the birthday cake. She then tells him to go into the pub and do a drum roll before she enters. Vern seems less then keen about this idea, but when Liz asks him if she has to buy the drum roll he is sufficiently shamed into doing it. Proud mother Liz marches into the pub with the cake blazing and tries to get the patrons to sing Happy Birthday to Steve. There is a less than enthusiastic response amongst the punters. Cilla, seeing the birthday cake, and worried about where their next meals will come from, makes an historical reference to 'let then eat cake'*. Les suggests that Steve and Lloyd fight it out, the winner take all. There is enthusiastic support from many to this idea, but Liz intervenes and stops the potential punch-up. She gets no help from Vern though, who is hiding in a corner - ostensibly whilst playing darts.

* Marie Antoinette, when told of her starving subjects, is supposed to have said 'if they have no bread, then let them eat cake'. Most historical types doubt that she ever uttered these words. However, it does parallel nicely with the Diggory plot line.

Once again, The Pogues are the background music in The Rovers - Dirty Old Town is the song that is playing this time.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

After Kevin and Sally get a divorce in 1999,Kevin marries Alison Wakefield in Jan 2000. She was carrying his child at the time and gave birth to Jake Webster in June 2000. Sadly, Jake died the same day from an infection passed on by Allison.

Allison ends up kidnapping Bethany who was born the day before Jake. Kevin finds her and the baby and Bethany is returned to Sarah. Allison, however, ends up getting killed by a truck when she walks into the stret. It is unclear if this was a suicide.

so, splat.

The interesting thing is, Bethany is 7 year old and needs to beyond, 'I want the bunny pencil.'

You’re her goes next to my his,You make my heart go like billy whiz,You’re every answer in my pop quiz,You are my Liz, you are my Liz, you are my Liz.

Liz says she likes Vernon’s latest version but she sure starts singing Happy Birthday to Steve as fast as she can (hey, can they do that without getting sued, now?). “Thanks, Mom, you’re every answer in my pop quiz,” Steve teases. Vernon admits he has natural rhythm but words take him a bit of effort.

At the café, Roy suggests Vernon is allowing his rhyme scheme to dominate his content, especially as pop quizzes hold no romantic sentiment for them. Vernon points out the obvious metaphor; whatever the question, Liz is the answer. He adds that he doesn’t have a lot to work with. Roy says it’s served its purpose if Liz likes it but Vernon seems to want it to be sellable. Yes, for actual money. And sure enough, he tries to sell the song to Kirk. Liz… Fizz…

Maria’s new fella stood her up. Fiz thinks she should get back at him; go out with him, spend all his money and dump him. When he does show up he sweet talks Maria into giving him another chance. In fact, she’s going to give him a little haircut.... Will this be her revenge?

Later, Liz orders a cake for Steve. Diggory asks her if she enjoyed his custard slice last week and she replies not as much as usual, but maybe it was just too much of a good thing. Diggory seems relieved.

He admits to Molly that his experiment with cheaper ingredients failed and he won’t try it again. He leaves her to mind the shop while he goes off to a mysterious meeting. Later, she finds Diggory sitting in his car looking like the world has just come crashing down. But he won’t tell her what’s going on, only to say that both parties know where they stand. My PVR episode description says “Diggory meets with his landlord.” Hmmmm.

Sean gets “contact from the mother ship.” She’s been on holiday. “What’s the opposite of incommunicado?”“Communicado?” Eileen guesses.“Then that’s what she will be; communicado.” He intends to as her why she lied to him about his dad for twenty years. He leaves her another message to call him.

Craig helps Keith hang laundry while David taunts him from his upstairs window, gloating that he doesn’t have to go to school for another ten weeks. Gail appears and warns him that he’ll be working as hard as ever.

But when she sits down to teach him, Algebra runs circles around her. He asks her what it all means and she suggests they get the dictionary. I would have suggested the Internet, but obviously the coefficients have made her dizzy. David is definitely laughing at her.

David suggests he go around to Craig’s at lunch to get some help, as Craig’s good with Maths. But David already knows how to do simultaneous equations – he was just putting Gail on. So after they play video games, Craig goes back to school and David disappears. Gail realizes she’s been had.

YOU’RE THE GIRL THAT MAKES MY BUBBLY FIZZ [READ: SINKS MY BUSINESS INTO THE GROUND]

Kelly watches Lloyd wash one of the cabs, feeling like that movie with Paul Newman, the one where he’s in a chain gang watching a girl washing her car? You mean this one, Kelly?

Kelly thinks she should tell Lloyd that Steve was bad in bed. Joanne points out that it could backfire. Steve overhears so Kelly asks him if he’d mind if she told Lloyd he was rubbish in bed. Steve refuses and says it wouldn’t make any difference anyway as Lloyd isn’t talking to him either.

Kelly corners Lloyd and he agrees to chat for a minute. She says she’s still crazy about him, been missing him like mad. She tells him Steve was a let down and can’t compare to Lloyd. Lloyd’s response is… harsh. “You just don’t get it do you. It’s not about you. You’re just some bird I was going out with. He was my mate. And when your best mate stabs you in the back you don’t forgive that.”“So you don’t care about me at all?”“Couldn’t care less, Babe.”“I wish you were dead.”But as Kelly stomps off, Lloyd’s face seems to suggest he’s lying about his feelings.

Les reckons Steve owes take them all a birthday pint for what he’s putting them through. Lloyd tells Steve (indirectly through Les) that he’d better have a positive outcome at the meeting or else he’s had it.“We’ve all had it,” adds Les.

Sure enough, when Steve returns from the meeting he tells Eileen to call the lads in.“I can tell by the look on your grid,” says Lloyd, “we’re up McDonald creek without a paddle.”

It’s true – the Council revoked Steve’s license and Streetcars is officially out of business.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

In my March 14 update, I wrote that Keith suffered a heart attack at the close of the episode. To illustrate this, I used a photo of the 1975 album by Queen, Sheer Heart Attack. During the March 15 episode, it was revealed that Keith in fact suffered an attack of angina. I regret the error.

To rectify the situation, I have altered the Queen album in accordance with Jacqueline's update.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Just Go!Keef is at the hospital with a very worried Craig at his side when they get the news that Keef has had a vagina - I mean ANGINA attack. Which isn't a heart attack - yet.

Keef can see that Craig is anxious to be with Rosie who is off to France that day and tells the lad to go on. It's only when Audrey shows up to keep Keef company does Craig head out.

Audrey and Keef have a chat and she tells him that the vagina - ANGINA attack is a wake up call and he needs to start taking care of himself. Her Alf used to have vagina attacks all the time and that's what did him in.

Flash over to the street where Craig and Rosie are doing their long goodbyes. If anyone of remembers these kind of hormone induced feelings, you'll recognize that these scenes are at once both sweet and painful to watch.

Craig suddenly remembers he has a gift for Rosie and rushes back home to pick up the ring he bought her. Keef asks if Craig is going to propose but Craig explains that it's an 'eternity' ring.

Glacia asks, just wtf does an eternity ring mean? 'Don't worry granddad,we aren't going to do something as rash as get married, we're merely promising to commit to each other for ETERNITY.'

Keef stops Craig before he leaves and tells him that he's contacted his Auntie Marjorie in Bournemouth and they are going to move in with her. Craig asks if this is just until they can find a place in Weatherfield. Keef says, 'No lad, we're going to Bournemouth for ETERNITY.'

I say cheer up, it's only 270 miles from Manchester, AND it's been officially named the UK's Happiest Town.

Craig sees Sally before he sees Rosie and tells her the news. She asks him not to tell Rosie so that Rosie will enjoy her holidays and he reluctantly agrees.

But then he sees Rosie and all bets are off - especially when Rosie asks that Craig be the first face she sees when she returns. When he tells her about the move, she starts to have kittens, is mad at her mom for not telling her and refuses to go to France.

Craig tells her that he's 16 and he'll figure out a way to stay in Weatherfield and that she needs to go to France because he'll be here when she gets back and he throws her into the cab saying, 'Just go!'

Personally, I think when Keef hears about Craig's plans, he's definately gonna have another vagina attack.

The Daughter Formally Known as "Not Asha and Aadi" Amber is packed and ready to go to Finland but not before some more father/daughter bonding occurs.

Amber is at the Webster's doorsteps to say goodbye when Sally tells Dev that he should be proud of her for fessing up to the booze incident. Dev, realizing that maybe all his spawn could be a source of pride, steps up to the plate and announces that she is indeed 'a good girl'.

Later, he walks into the flat just in time to see his good girl riffling through his jacket pocket. He confronts her but she shows him that she was just putting some 'Spoogy' in his pocket for him to remember her by.

Yeah, I know, what the #!@Q$#@!@ is a Spoogy? Some sort of round ball? At first I thought it was a marble, then I thought it was a hair decoration, finally, when Dev put it into his mouth I realized it must be some kind of food. I googled 'spoogie' and found out that it is worse than an vagina attack. So if anyone knows what the hell they were talking about last night, let me know.

Anyway, he tells that he doesn't need spoogie to remember her by, and there's all this sweet teasey talk between them.

Hit and RunMaria, Fizz and Kir-keh are all at the Rovers waiting for Chris the mad motorist to come pick up Maria.

Fizz is well pleased with her matchmaking abilities until it's apparent that Chris is a no show.

BTW - I LOVE that Fizz's shirts pull a bit at the buttons. Cheers to the wardrobe department.

In Other NewsDavid is taking full advantage of his time at home to get to level 213 in Halo. Gayle is pleased with her parenting skills. Sarah is the voice box for the rest us screaming at the television, 'He's just using you, you great stupid woman!'

Vern has written a song for Liz and her cleavage. 'Whoa Whao Liz, you always make me happy, you never make me miz.' I really don't know why the 'Randy Rascal Rock Revival' has never made it to the big time. Liz and Vern giggle at each other and rush off the the bedroom to bonk and Steve dies a little more inside.

Bethany siting! Looking like a reject from 'Children of the Corn', Bethany stands in the Platt's living room saying, 'I want the rabbit pencil.'

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Today is the anniversary of the day in 44 BC (or so the history types think) that Julius Caesar was killed by Brutus in an act of regicide. That moment in time and the phrase 'beware the Ides of March' has become famous thanks to the quill of Shakey Bill in Julius CaesarAct 1 Scene II.

If the writers on Coronation Street were to do a story line based on this theme I would imagine young Jason Grimshaw killing off the tyrant of the cobbles - Charlie Stubbs.

On a vaguely related note, if Kelly Ripa killed her co-host would it be considered homicide or regicide?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Keef is fretting about finding the right house but Craig doesn't see the big deal as he thinks a house is just a house. Keef later goes into Audrey's to ask if she'll help him look for a house as he's inexperienced in these matters (the Council gave him a place when he got married). Audrey brushes him off, saying she has a business to run, and Keef gets even more stressed.

At Roy's, Keef asks Dev and Roy about renting a place. They list the issues Keef has to think about: deposits, previous owners, responsibilities of the landlord. "You're entering a LEGAL MINEFIELD, my friend!" Dev adds, dramatically leaving Keef more shaken than before.

Later Craig meets up with Keef in the street. Keef is getting anxious that they'll have no place to live and demands that Craig come with him next time he goes looking. Suddenly, Keef grabs his chest. He's in pain, tells Craig that something is wrong, and falls to the ground, suffering an apparent heart attack. Craig panics, and forgets that he has a mobile in his pocket, and starts screaming for help.The Smiths - The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

It's the latest chapter in the fascinating family drama that is the Platts. David has taken another impromtu mental health day and sneaks round the back of his house by jumping over the fence to his back garden.

Keef notices this and says he wishes he was as nimble as that (ooh, foreshadowing). When he's at Audrey's, he off-handedly mentions it to Audrey and Sarah, overhearing, is immediately on the phone to Gail.

Gail heads over to her place to find David lounging on the chesterfield and roars at him, demanding to know why he wasn't at school. He doesn't give an answer so it's off to the headmasters office.

At school, Craig sees David outside the office and suggests that he's going to get slaughtered. David says no way as he's called in.

The headmaster asks why David has been so truant. It's all because he's been bullied everyday by mean older students and he can't face going into school. The headmaster asks for names but David says he's too scawed. Gail accepts this as truth and suggests the response would be to pull David from classes for the remaining two weeks of the school year. The headmaster thinks this is total horseshit but Gail is adamant. David twirls his moustache and stage-whispers a manical laugh.

Gail tells the day's tale to Audrey, who is skeptical and David tells this to Craig, who is mildly disgusted/impressed.

Metric - "Glass Ceiling"

At the Rovers, Bev and Betty are discussing Shelley's lack of confidence when it comes to men. Shelley walks in and requests that they keep their voices down if they're going to gossip about her.

Betty thinks it's odd that she's so timid these days, given how confident she appears behind the bar. Bev says that's an "old barmaid's trick. Surely you well know that, Betty"

"Oh, charming!" Betty retorts.

Fred comes in a declares 'What a lovely day, I say what a lovely day!' Shelley goes off to the bar. Bev says Shelley is feeling down about men and Fred makes the bizarre suggestion that he share himself between Bev and her daughter. He eventually follows Shelley into the bar when he tries to tell her not to give up on men. He points out that he's not been lucky in love, either but that hasn't put him off women.

Later Shelley tells Bev that her chats with Bev and Fred have helped her make up her mind about something. Later, she tells Betty that she's decided to find a new job with the brewery in some other part of town. She can't bear the idea of living and working with her mum and new step-dad if all they're going to do is interfere in her personal life.

K'Naan - "I Was Stabbed By Satan"

Amber shows Rita her report card, saying she got mostly A's. Rita asks her if the booze stunt was just to impress her new friends. She admits that it was and that she feels pretty dumb about the whole thing. Rita also suggests that it would be a good idea to show Dev the report as it may get her back in his good graces.

At the shop, she does just that and Dev is indeed impressed with her marks. Keith comes in to ask more questions about the house, clearly agitated with the choices he's been given. Ambers tells him to chill and Dev notes that he's have a conversation with his daughter, the first he's ever acknowledged her as such and not simply "Not Asha and Aadi." As Dev and Amber shared their first real, father-daughter moment, Keef runs out of the shop where he has that heart attack you read about 12 paragraphs ago.

Tracey thinks, given that her neighbours are going to be "four-eyed Claire" and batshit Gail, she's going ask the council how high a fence can legally be.

Amber has booked her flights to Finland for six weeks. She promises to work off the missing bottle of vodka. Amber also apologises to the Websters for what happened.

Gail has packed David's lunch and is now accompanying him to school on the Wayfarer, much to the derision of his peers.

Fiz (Fiz!) comes into the Kabin to grab Maria as the man who almost ran her over is back and she doesn't want her to miss him. Maria is reluctant.

The man is getting his car checked at Websters, where a recently returned Nathan handles the job.

Shelley doesn't believe nice guys exist.

Norris is afraid of Charlie.

Keith finds Audrey difficult to read at times.

David cuffs school and sneaks back to his house.

Later on, David tells Craig he has other things on his mind than school and invites Craig to a film but Craig says he's going out with Rosie.

Norris worries that Keith's new home may interfere with his paper round as it will no longer be convenient for him.

Tracey notes that Ken has lived at Number One practically his entire life.

Bev and Fred try to get Shelley to meet the bar rep. Fred seems particularly taken with him.

Craig and Rosie go out to that Pizza place and talk as though they will never see each other again.

Sarah and Jason are there as well and Sarah notes that it's good that the two have it all out in the open, just like her and Jason. Sarah asks Jason if he agrees that it's better to not be sneaking around anymore. He agrees, but seems to hesitate.

David wasn't at school when Gail went to pick him up but he left a message on the answering machine, claiming that he was at football practice. Audrey notices a ticket stubb for X-Men: The Last Stand falling out of his pocket.

Following this event, I received the following text message on my PEBL:

"GAIL IS A MORON!"*

*ERRATUM - Actually, that happened on Monday. The days are flying by due to the fact that I am incredibly high right now.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Highlights from last night's epiosde - sorry computer problems prevent a full update

-Violet is worried about Sean's mental health-Sean calls his mom-Keith gives Craig some money-Maria almost gets run down by a good looking bloke in a flash car-Good looking bloke takes a shine to Maria-Turns out Keith and Craig will have to move out after all-Kirk is back at last-Keith gives Audrey a hard time about the mortage gossip-The phrase 'knocked back' can be mis-interpreted it would seem-Sophie has the spins after too much vodka in her pop-Rita grills Dev about his off licence alcohol sales-Sal grills Rosie about where the booze came from-Amber gets found out-Sal confronts Dev and his daughter in the shop about the booze problem-Amber confesses all - Dev is pissed - her summer plans are in the air-Dev brings flowers to the Webster flat-Gail is going to talk to David about his truancy problem-David cares not a whit-Audery feels unloved-Bethany appears to be alive and well

A luvly wee 'ome where Canadian fans of Coronation Street can come ter sit hammer and tack wiv a cuppa and rant and rave about the gahn ons on Corrie Street.
A word to any British fans, we are about 6 months behind on the episodes, so please don't tell us any juicey gossip like Ken Barlow and Vera Duckworth are having an affair.

A luvly wee 'ome where Canadian fans of Coronation Street can come ter sit hammer and tack wiv a cuppa and rant and rave about the gahn ons on Corrie Street.
A word to any British fans, we are about 6 months behind on the episodes, so please don't tell us any juicey gossip like Ken Barlow and Vera Duckworth are having an affair.