yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"

Me: "Certainly, what width?"

Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"
****************************************************
A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
*****************************************************

On the first day of school, about midmorning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."

A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
******************************************************

A large two engine train was crossing America. After it had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.

“No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.

Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane.”
*********************************************************

Ski Trip

Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.

After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.

Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."

Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"

Trying to do my share for the environment, I set up a trash

basket at my church and posted above it this suggestion:

"Empty water bottles here."

I should have been a little more specific, because when I

went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it.

But it was full of water.

I was playing Tooth Fairy when my daughter suddenly woke up. Seeing the money in my hand, she cried out, "I caught you!"

I froze and tried to think of an explanation for why I was putting the money under her pillow instead of the Tooth Fairy. But her next words let me off the hook. "You put that money back!" she said indignantly. "The Tooth Fairy left that for ME!"

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"It's a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

Explaining the Flag

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"

"my client is not guilty. He merely inserted his arm into a window and stole some jewelry.His arm is not himself. I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence commited by one arm."

"I agree"nodded the judge. " I hereby sentence the defendant's
arm to one year in prison. He may accompany the arm or not."

"Thank you, Your Honour," said the defendant as he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

************ ********* ********* ********* ******

A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he'd out pace the cop, the man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car speed rose to sixty, then seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.

The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: .
Listen, Mister, I have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go..

The man thought for a moment and said: .Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were that officer and were trying to give her back to me...

************ ********* ********* ********* ******
Women.... Women

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off. Otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

************ ********* ********* ********* ******

PSEUDO PSYCHIC

A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter. "

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"When did you learn to speak English?"

************ ********* ********* ********* ******8

I Feel Insulted

A lady with her baby is sitting in a bus beside the driver… "What an ugly baby!", said the driver to the lady.

Feeling insulted, she moved to another seat and murmurred a few things under her breathe. The man next to her asked, "What happened?"

"The driver just insulted me!" she cried. Sympathetic, the man offered, "That bastard, he shouldn't have insulted you! Go, get his number. I'll hold your monkey for you."

I remember seeing a set of photos from Google’s offices in Zurich, and thought that was pretty cool, but Google has nothing on Inventionland’s fairytale workplace.

Inventionland, like the name suggests, is a company that invents stuff, over 2,000 new inventions every year. To come with that many inventions, the Inventionland team must really be inspired by something, but what could it be? Believe it or not, it’s actually everything that surrounds them in their Pittsburgh headquarters.

The 70,000 square feet facility looks like nothing you’ve ever seen before, featuring 15 different fantasy sets, from pirate ships to tree houses and even a house shaped like a giant shoe. And it’s not only the world’s most creative workplace, it’s also equipped with the latest in sound, video and animation technology to help creationeers come up with the best ideas. Oh, that’s right, Inventionland employees are called “creationeers”, they get to wear lab coats and they brainstorm for ideas in a room called “Inventalot”.

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