This is an email I received from a 50 something year-old divorced guy who got divorced because his wife cheated on him. He was very surprised and hurt by the cheating and said he never suspected it. I believe he has been divorced for a couple of years at the most.

She was married for 34 years, dated only one other guy very brief, then met me. She lives about 180 miles away. We have seen each other about 5 times (weekend things). I quickly realized she was falling for me. I told her that I really like her, I enjoy our time together very much, but, I also told her that I will NEVER, ever get married again, nor will I EVER tell a woman that “I love her”.

I figured she would get the hint. She has made it very clear to me that she wants to be with somebody and grow old together. Do women at this age really think they are going to “change” guys my age? Gosh darn it, I do not ever want to hurt anybody’s feelings, but I feel like I am misleading this woman. I think she confuses the fact that since I do not date other women, we are a “couple”, and someday soon I will snap out of it.

I am leaving in 5 days for Mexico, followed by South America. I travel about 4 months a year. If I met the woman of my dreams, I would either take her with me. But finding a woman like this is, well, “mission impossible.”

Most divorced guys over 50 that are still full of life, self assured, financially self made and secure and HAVE NOT engaged in a serious relationship in over a year ( or more) after their divorce, are acclimated in their single lifestyle ways. Our eyes are not closed and our hearts are not sealed, but we are hesitant to drastically deviate from our lifestyle patterns to accommodate a relationship.

So, do I break it off with this girl?

My gut reaction to his last question: YES!! Please break it off. Although, now that he is leaving for a few months and hasn’t asked her to join him, what is the difference, anyhow? It’s kind of the same thing as breaking it off.

Being a divorced woman over 50, I feel for this woman. These two people want completely different things from this relationship. She wants marriage. He…well, I don’t know what he wants because I don’t really think he knows what he wants. I do know one thing. He doesn’t want her. That is nothing personal against her, she just isn’t the one for him. But in all fairness to her, he needs to set things straight so she can cry, be upset about it being over, and then move on and get involved with someone who wants to grow old with her.

But let’s talk about “I will NEVER ever get married again” and “I will never tell a woman that I love her.” Wow. This is a man who has been deeply, deeply hurt and feels so betrayed, that he is unsure he can ever trust a woman enough to say I love you and/or get married.

I’m not judging because I can understand how he might feel. Any divorced person probably can. And I have to believe many divorced people have said these things—I’m never getting married again, I’m never saying I love you again, and then after some time goes by and/or they meet the right person, they change their mind.

This guy is saying that finding true love is “mission impossible” because he is very damaged and so for him, it is. He might benefit from therapy, a support group, or doing some type of work to get closure, acceptance and to learn that not every woman cheats.

All this said, in my experience, I have found there are two types of men: the ones who are set in their ways, who don’t want to “drastically deviate from their lifestyle for a relationship” as this guy says, and the ones who really like monogamy and being a couple with someone—guys who want to be remarried. And by the way, there are countless women over 50 who are still “full of life!” Just have to react to his statement that makes it seem otherwise.

I also find that the more time that goes by after a divorce that someone stays single, the less likely he/she is to get remarried. In other words, from what I’ve seen, people either get remarried pretty quickly or they remain single for a long, long time. There are exceptions, of course.

The bottom line is, every divorced person has a different experience, and what happens in the future depends on countless things which include: how long they were married, if they had kids, why they got divorced, how they are doing financially, whether or not they like and/or can handle being single, who they meet, of course, and many many other factors.

I don’t think people should say things like, “I’ll never ever get married again” or “I’ll never say I love you” because life has this funny way of changing what we thought was going to happen or what we want. If someone would have told me I wouldn’t be married again after 10 years of being divorced, I would never have believed them. I really wanted to be remarried. But I couldn’t be happier about the way life has turned out for me. Isn’t that what really matters?

I guess what I’m saying is, just be happy and embrace all the unexpected things that come your way. You do have to do a little work—meaning healing, accepting and moving on from your divorce. The rest is doing what makes you really really happy every single day, spending time with those you love and letting everything else fall into place.

Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Guy Grinning is a blog for men facing divorce and dating after divorce. It's kind of like hanging out with your platonic female divorced friend and hearing her perspective on your divorce and your love life issues.

Jackie
I do agree with your advice. Things do change.
I also underdstand where this guy is coming from..
I divorced 2 and half years ago.
I found out about my ex's affair via a phone call at work on a Friday afternoon. I felt only anger.
When I got home asked when do we talk to our kids? Her response, was oh I already have called them and told them about the relationship. The only thing that concerned her was I going to cut her off. My only regret is not telling her to leave the house.
So where are we now --she and my oldest daughter haven't spoken in a year.
I have made the following decisions about dating and marriage
-- I'm not going to date until I can trust again, not sure when that's going to happen, I'm not close.
-- I will not remarry, this divorce made her a multi- millionaire. My alimony now supports two 56 year old adults who can't support themselves.
Jackie you can't make this stuff up.
Thanks for the chance to comment.
Don

I can't even imagine the frustration and feeling of injustice and disappointment. Just try to focus on your own life and your happiness. Living an authentic and fulfilling life is important. the past really doesn't matter, especially if you don't let it. Just don't let it matter anymore. things turn out really unfair all the time. Try not to think about it, but rather to find joy in each day and in people you meet. xoxo

Nothing wrong about never wanting to marry again. Divorce can be a very painful and expensive process that someone would understandably want to avoid repeating. Given that the #1 cause of divorce is marriage, seems logical to stay away from that...

Not surprising to hear divorced men over 50 have no need for marriage. NOW and other women's groups continue to lobby for higher child support limits, more lifetime alimony, etc. Meanwhile, the parallel Eat, Pray, Love narrative is reiterated in the US over ad over again. What does a man really get out of marriage that he can't get in a relationship that does not involve the State? Quite a lot actually, and the downside is not nearly so dire as it is when adjudicated in the feminist family court system.
No marriage = good male decisionmaking.

There are new laws coming where step children can make a claim for their step fathers estate. So even if their mother marries again and he passes away, her own children, who have had no real involvement in his life, can legally make a claim for his estate.
Yes, good luck convincing men to marry! What a great sales pitch this woman has for this over 50's man. "Marry me! My own children will take part of your estate that you set aside for your own children" :P

Why is it that women after 50 want to find a new man to marry, when divorced men in their 50's want to take life by the horn's and ride it?
Why is it that over 50s divorced women now want to catch a new guy and have him dedicate his life to her into his old age?
It is something I cannot fathom.
Why is it that divorced women seem to desire finding another long term relationship?
When the MAJORITY of divorces and separations are initiated by women, why is it those same women seek to marry again and have the next guy dedicate his one life to her, when she could not stay with her original promise
The promise of marriage is to stick through EVERYTHING; meaning that if her husband lost his fortune and ended up homeless, she should follow him "Til death do us part".
I definitely understand how men of all ages are learning the reality of marriage and divorce.
I don't think this man should completely break it off with this women. he simply needs to set the rules about their time together. If she cannot accept the rules, she is free to go. She must know her place in his life priorities, instead of trying to change him, when he has already been divorce r**ed before and is now free.
Why divorced women, who could not keep their original promise (whether he cheated or not, or whether she just "fell out of love"), want to be in ANOTHER marriage is beyond me.
However, although it is a fascinating life mystery that I could never understand, women who seek marriage must understand that once you free a bird and it regrows its wings, it will be almost impossible to convince it to go back into its cage. If they want to be married, they should have stuck to their promise, or they can find another institutionalised man. Perhaps she can find a 50-year-old virgin, who is lonely and fairly socially inept, who has no urge to travel and has never been married. He will be happy to marry and never cheat.

There are numerous legitimate reasons for not wanting to remarry that have nothing to do with being emotionally broken or hurt. You can have a wonderful life full of meaningful relationships without marriage.