This time, I am back in the toilets at the office - different office. This is a brand new building, in fact it isn't even completed - the top floor is still windowless and unfinished. But we moved in this month (not into the top floor of course) and immediately the toilet grabbed my attention. I suppose it is relatively normal, after all, apart from the hours spent at my own desk, the only other place I visit with any frequency is the ladies bathroom. Don't get me wrong - I don't run to the toilet every 20 minutes. But it is one place that cannot be avoided.

I suppose I get frustrated when things are not done right, and yes, I guess that means right according to me, after all that really is all I have to judge by.

But when I explain it to you, I am sure you will agree. The first and biggest annoyance is the fact that the stall doors do not have any display to indicate occupancy or vacancy. Yes, there are locks, but they are not the kind that slide a polite sign, red or green or 'occupied' or 'vacant'. This problem could be tolerated if it were not for the fact that the doors have springs on them, so when you exit the stall, with the best will in the world, you can't leave the door open to show that it is available. It closes quietly but firmly behind you.

So, as I see it, you have three or four options. You can shove on the door to see if it will open - something I hate to do in case (as has often happened) someone has not locked the door and screams and embarrassment follow. Or, you can hunker down and peer under the doors, I am not keen on that idea because if someone came in while I was doing that, I could be accused of being a somewhat disgusting pervert. You could listen carefully outside each door to see if there were any sounds that might give a clue - again could be considered somewhat perverted. Finally, you could yell out 'anyone in there' like the cleaning crew do. I am not comfortable with the yelling idea either.

I reluctantly settled on a variation of the first choice. I walk briskly in as though heading for the last stall in the row, but casually push each door I pass with just one finger - if it moves without any screams from within, I nip into that stall. I might add that while I am there, should someone else come into the bathroom, I cough loudly so that they don't have to exercise their favorite method to locate an empty stall. Perhaps a sign on the inside of each stall 'Please cough while in situ' might help.

There are a few other things about these bathrooms that bother me, albeit less than the absence of a occupied sign.

On the wall opposite the stalls there are two .. things ... I am not sure what they are. They look like magazine racks. So I guess they are intended either for magazines for those who have time and inclination to linger over their ablutions, or else they are for placing paperwork or laptops while hurrying between meetings. So far I have never seen them being used by anyone.

Come to think of it, so far I am the only person I have ever seen in the bathroom closest to my office. One of the many bonuses of working in a male dominated occupation.

Another minor annoyance is the appallingly bad tile work on the walls. I mean seriously, I have tiled many walls and floors, and without training, I could do a better job. Thankfully it is not on the floor because the tiles are so uneven, someone would surely trip.

And last, but not least is the fact that there is a very nice sink, with a faucet that is motion activated, but the soap dispenser is not, and it is very close to the faucet. One must take great care when pumping the soap dispenser, to avoid activating a spray of water all over one's arm. I am trying to get into the habit of making sure my sleeves are well rolled up before pumping soap, at least I can dry my arm if it accidentally gets sprayed.

Oh and that is another thing I forgot, the paper towel dispenser is crammed full of very small pieces of paper - like the size of a Kleenex, and no matter how carefully you try to extract just enough to dry your hands (and possible one arm) - which I must say is quite a few pieces - you will get a big chunk of them come out, way more than you need.

It is all such a waste because I am sure that it cost quite a bit to put this inadequate bathroom together.

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Being a parent is probably the single most difficult and definitely the most rewarding experience of my life, seeing what amazing parents my own children have become is my ultimate reward, but recently one of my nieces, now a mother herself, told me that she modeled her parenting style on me. Not only was that a huge and unexpected compliment, it also brought home to me how much our behavior will influence children, and not just our own children. It is a mistake to think that just because they are children, and don't appear to notice, they are not being influenced by everything around them, and in particular, by the behavior of the adults in their lives.

This appears to be the current definitive definition of parenting, according to my research:

"Parenting (or child rearing) is the process of promoting and supporting the physical, emotional, social, and intellectual development of a child from infancy to adulthood. Parenting refers to the aspects of raising a child aside from the biological relationship." Davies, Martin (2000). The Blackwell encyclopedia of social work

This definition would indicate that parenting ends at some 'adulthood' point. It doesn't. You can't switch it off. At least, assuming the parenting switch is on, it can never be switched off, this wiki is in agreement with me on that point.

"Parenting doesn't usually end when a child turns 18. Support can be needed in a child's life well beyond the adolescent years and continues into middle and later adulthood. Parenting can be a lifelong process. " Wiki.

There is no way to train for parenting. Yes there are all sorts of classes and websites that claim to prepare you, but as every child is different and the learning experience never ends, no amount of training can prepare you. From the moment of conception, everything you do for the rest of your child's life, has a bearing on how they develop, physically, mentally and emotionally. We learn on the job and we never stop learning, and we never stop making mistakes, the hope is that the mistakes are few and do not cause lasting damage - and most of all, that we learn from our mistakes.

Frequently we learn our parenting skills (or lack thereof) from our own parents - and this is not always a good thing, for some it is possible to observe our parents mistakes and not repeat them, but for others the sad truth is that is not always the case. Many people who were abused as children will in turn be abusers but fortunately not all. I believe it takes a mixture of compassion, intelligence and imagination to get past our own childhood experiences and avoid 'visiting' the sins of our fathers upon our own children.

Some people do not have it in them to be parents, other than biologically, and for them the scars they leave on their children can often be lasting and deep.

What is interesting about this list is that the inverse is also equally bad:

We let our children run wild

We are never available when needed

We never praise

We accept no guilt or responsibility

We burden our children with our problems

We fail to recognize intelligence and giftedness

We don't preach - don't communicate and don't lead by example

And with the second last item - many parents recognize giftedness - such as a talent for some sport, and instead of allowing their child to enjoy their talent they push too hard, attempting to live vicariously through their child, taking the fun out of it and frequently destroying all interest the child may have in pursuing the activity.

To that list I can add a few more to produce, not necessarily leaders, but well adjusted adults and potentially good parents.

I believe the following:

Accept responsibility for your mistakes and apologize

It is impossible to go through life without making mistakes, parenting is the same as anything else, we will make mistakes. But by accepting responsibility and apologizing for those mistakes, we not only reduce the damage they could potentially cause, we also teach our children an important lesson.

Sometimes parental behavior goes beyond mistakes and that thin line is crossed into emotional, or even physical abuse. It is a fact that the most abusive of parents will perpetuate the damage they do by continuing to deny they have done anything wrong. This is a very good article on why this happens. For those who suffered abuse as a child, here is an article on how to get past it.

It is never OK to beat a child.

For as long as I can remember, my grandmother could command absolute attention and perfect behavior with just her eyes. She never raised her voice, she never raised her hand. Chapter One of my book describes how she did it:

"There were rules to be obeyed and the only
punishment incurred for breaking those rules was the ‘Look’. It was all she had
to do to stop us in our tracks. She would slightly widen her flashing eyes, and
pierce our bodies with a stare, nothing more. Just one look and then she
returned to the sweet Granny immediately. She never prolonged the punishment,
nor even needed to lecture us. We behaved and she forgave and forgot." Peeling The Onion, Chapter One

It is never OK to use a child as a 'weapon' or ask them to take sides

When parents argue, the child should never be drawn into the argument, never be forced to side with one parent. This is most common, and most damaging when a marriage ends and there is shared custody. An inadequate parent will use the child, or children as weapons to hurt the other parent - and they end up doing irreparable damage to the child, and ultimately permanently damaging their own relationship with that child.

There should be consequences NOT punishment

This is a very good article on the difference. Consequences will also be different for each child, and some punishments will devastate one child and have no effect on another. For example I know of a man who frequently locked his very young son in a dark and cluttered garage as a punishment, this child had a fear of the dark and was absolutely terrified for the entire time - in serious danger of suffering emotional injury. When the same father attempted to use this punishment on his second son, the effect was entirely different - that boy had no fear of the dark and an insatiable curiosity, he spent the time happily investigating the rusty old tools left carelessly lying around and climbed over old furniture and clutter, in serious danger of suffering physical injury. Of course, this was most definitely abusive behavior. He was a man without compassion and without imagination, despite his own miserable childhood, he treated his children as he had been treated himself.

The rules and associated consequences for breaking them should be clear

And should be enforced consistently. Children need boundaries and they need to be able to trust their parents to protect them. Setting and enforcing boundaries consistently give a child that sense of security. Boundaries should remain constant.

There should be rewards for achievements

However, as with item number 3 in the first list - rewards should be earned and not lavished for no good reason. Just as in real life - sometimes achievement is its own reward. To constantly praise for mediocre performance is to prevent your child from excelling and also will not prepare them for the real world. Conversely to not recognize effort, but keep demanding more than the child is capable of, will eventually cause them to stop trying.

It is never right to denigrate a child

Most children have fragile egos and building or damaging their self esteem depends almost entirely upon a parents attitude. To denigrate a child, or to compare them unfavorable with their siblings is a major mistake and frequently one that cannot be corrected.

Be honest

Always, taking into account a child's age and what they can handle, be honest. Children can tell if you are not. A simple example: I sucked my thumb, actually into adulthood, and might have managed to give it up, given the warnings of damage to my teeth and germs etc; however when I was about six years old, a friend of my parents told me I would grow a thumb down the back of my throat if I didn't stop. I knew that was not possible, knew he was making it up and as a result, doubted everything that had been said and continued to suck my thumb. I also never trusted that man again.

It is wrong to tell a child a lie because making the truth easy for them to understand is difficult, or uncomfortable. Where do babies come from? NOT from a stork, or under a mushroom. If you can't be honest with your children, do not expect them to be honest with you. That comes under the heading of practice what you preach.

Be a parent

It is possible to be both parent and friend, but be a parent first and foremost, be a parent that your child can trust enough to come to when they are in trouble, be a parent your child is comfortable confiding in. And above all else, listen to what they say to you - really listen.