technology

My laptop collection weighs a ton

Idiot buys new computer.

I bought a new computer on Monday. It took me all day to find one, and part of Sunday.

It was an important purchase. I’ve been working out of the house lately and my two laptop computers, ages five and eight, just weren’t doing the job anymore. An abacus is more technologically advanced.

Always a man of intense passion, I found myself screaming at the elderly laptops when they would freeze, crash, inexplicably shut off.

This is one of my many shortcomings: I scream at inanimate objects when they don’ t do what I want them to do. My father is a machine screamer too. It’s irrational, immature and, now that some people have moved in downstairs, quite embarrassing.

I searched high and low for a cure for my malady stricken machines: antivirus programs, registry cleaners, etc. I’m sure there are some tech nerds out their rolling their eyes at this, thinking, “What a Jackass. All he needed to do was….”

Technology isn’t really my strong suit.

One day, after seeing my hateful face reflected in the spittle that had collected on the screen of one of the damnable machines I thought, “There has to be a better way.”

The cat sat on the couch through all of this, directing a steady gaze at me that said, “You’re such an Asshole.”

And now this asshole has a brand new $400 computer. I know that seems cheap, but when your net worth is $1200, it’s a sizable investment.

Now what do I do with the now retired laptops? They are full of music but I’m afraid of transferring it to the new computer, lest it be infected with the malignant funk that befell the old machines. I could borrow a friend’s gun (I own no guns for obvious reasons) and blast the things into dust, but that wouldn’t be green. They cannot be sold, as the even the crack fiends who broke into my house two months ago didn’t take them, crack fiends being necessarily tech-savvy. (Electronics provide a large amount of their income.) I was thinking of sending them off to the third world for some underprivileged kids, but why make their lives worse.

More than likely, the computers will sit in my house forever, as I am a borderline hoarder. Eventually they will be joined by the sparkly new machine on which I write this.