Posted tagged ‘Petraeus jokes’

In D.C. one woman has died, two are in critical condition, and 81 others were injured when smoke filled a DC Metro station. And apparently this was caused by an electrical fault. Who needs terrorists when we have an aging and underfunded infrastructure?

Well, now that the Oregon-Ohio State game is over, we don’t have to see ESPN’s silly countdown clock to the National Championship. ESPN’s countdown clock to the Super Bowl no doubt starts tomorrow.

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When asked if he would ever consider moving to the NFL, Urban Meyer said, “Not right now. I’ve got a commitment to Ohio State.” Translation, ‘no ones offered me enough money, and none of my players here have yet been arrested for a felony.”

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Caradle Jones, the third-string QB who led OSU to the National Championship, when asked about leaving early for the NFL – “In my personal opinion, I’m not ready for that level yet.” Well, maybe, but Jones might be at least ready for the level of the Jets.

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Apparently Urban Meyer promised his team if they won the national championship he’d get a tattoo. And unlike his players, the OSU coach won’t get in trouble if he doesn’t pay for it.

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Stay classy, Texas congressman Randy Weber tweeted, “Even Adolph Hitler thought it more important than Obama to get to Paris. (For all the wrong reasons.) Obama couldn’t do it for right reasons.” Just guessing Rep. Weber, who crusades against gay marriage and immigration, “our traditional family values are under attack,” isn’t even likely to pick up a copy of Charlie Hebdo.

Mike Huckabee criticizes the Obamas in an interview with PEOPLE magazine because they “on one hand they can be such doting parents and so careful,” but they let their daughters listen to Beyonce. Yep, clearly a major lapse in parental judgment, and the President and First Lady might even let the girls read stuff like PEOPLE magazine.

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Jason Garrett signed a new five year contract with the Dallas Cowboys. The deal was based on Garrett’s loyalty, success on the field, and ability to tolerate Jerry Jones.

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Dianne Feinstein says the Justice Dept erred in recommending charges against General Petraeus over him giving his mistress access to some classified government documents. “It’s done, it’s over. He’s retired. He’s lost his job. How much does government want.” Besides, Petraeus probably didn’t leak as much as any two-bit college hacker can find in a day.

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Rep. Randy Weber has apologized for his recent tweet, saying it “It was not my intention to trivialize the Holocaust nor to compare the President to Adolf Hitler.” Considering the way that the Texas GOP demonizes Obama was Weber apologizing to the President or to Hitler?

Donald Trump is suing Palm Beach County because he says the airport is deliberately routing flights over his mansion – and causing “excessive, unreasonable, unwarranted and uninvited noise. The alleged motivation? Revenge for Trump’s blocking the airport expansion in the 1990s.

Well, if they weren’t doing it on purpose before, no doubt the airport director appreciates the idea.

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United Airlines has warned 2,000 workers that they may outsource gate agents and baggage handlers at 28 non-hub airports.. So you think their customer service is bad now? Cheer up, it may get worse.

Dear gawd. Darren Carrington, one of Oregon’s top wide receivers, has been suspended for the national championship because he allegedly failed a drug test. The week before the game. I’m sorry, Carrington didn’t fail a drug test, he passed a stupidity test.

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Apparently someone tried to shoplift at a Versace store in Los Angeles, when Jonathan Martin was nearby. The man was “larger than the security guard” but the 49ers’ OT punched him “five to eight times” until he went down. Nice change to see an NFL player make police blotter news for a good reason.

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The Wall Street Journal reported that Mitt Romney told a meeting of donors today that he is considering running for the White House again in 2016. So congrats to all those who had Jan 9 in the pool.

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A couple was arrested earlier this week for having sex on top of a used-car at a dealership. The car involved was a 2004 Kia Sedona. Just guessing that’s not what Kia had in mind with their slogan “The Power to Surprise.” (And you guessed it, Florida.) ‪#‎stayclassy‬

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You can’t make this “stuff” up. Dartmouth has apparently suspended most of 64 students they had charged with cheating. In an ethics class.

Although to be completely accurate, it was a sports ethics class. So maybe the students WERE demonstrating sports ethics.

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Apparently during Bill Cosby’s first show back in Canada a woman got up and he asked where she was going. When she said for a drink, his response was “you have to be careful about drinking around me.” ‪#‎hejustdoesntgetit‬

Three people were shot and critically wounded at a suburban Kansas City gun shop. If only the employees had been armed?

The NY Times reports that the Justice Dept is recommending felony charges be filed against former CIA Director David Petraeus for disclosure of classified information to Paula Broadwell, his former mistress and biographer. Well, loose lips may not sink ships, but they sure can sink careers.

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Drew Brees has been named to the 2015 Pro Bowl. Should be fun for the New Orleans star, getting to throw without any defenders in his face. Sort of like the experience opposing QBs have had all year against the Saints.

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From T.C. “How cold will it be this weekend in Green Bay? It’s so cold that Jerry Jones and Chris Christie will be hugging each other to keep warm right from the National Anthem.“

Retired Army Gen. David Petraeus has a new job as chairman of NY investment firm KKR’s newly created “Global Institute.” Let that be a lesson to powerful men, screw around, be forced to retire, and make millions as a consultant.

Arvind Mahankali is this year’s Scripps National Spelling Bee champion. Presumably he won the contest by spelling his own name.

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Josh Sale, the Rays’ 2010 1st-round pick, just finished a 50 game PED suspension and was back in single A. Then he posted on FB about throwing “50 cents at a stripper tonight First time. Got kicked out and she got so (mad) thought she was gonna cry. Your a stripper. Be thankful.” Tampa Bay suspended him for “conduct detrimental to the organization.” A formal way of saying “for being a stupid douchebag.”

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From T.C. “If Miami plays San Antonio in the NBA final, the biggest question will be: Which coach benches all their starters first, in order to save them for game 7?

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Not a bad line actually. But Ohio State president Gordon Gee, at a meeting where he wasn’t thinking that EVERYTHING is public now, was asked to respond to SEC fans who wonder why it is still referred to as the Big Ten with 14 members. “”You tell the SEC when they can learn to read and write, then they can figure out what we’re doing.”

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Mariah Carey announced she is leaving “American Idol.” The number one response “Please tell us you are taking Nicki Minaj with you.”

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The NBA handed out three $5000 flopping fines after Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals, including one to LeBron James. $5000!? That’ll teach them. Sort of the league equivalent of a quarter in the “Cuss Jar.”

–Mark Sanchez, on the team’s announced QB competition. “‘I’m planning on playing. I’m planning on starting.” Confidence? Or part of a plan to boost NY beer and drug sales.

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President Obama chose Republican James Comey as the new FBI director. Many GOP members of Congress are wondering if they can both praise Comey and block him on principle.

A serious thought on wiretapping, civil liberties etc. Everyone screams bloody murder about government interference in the lives of private citizens. And then when something like Boston happens, we scream that the government should have had them under closer surveillance.

Well, if the SF 49ers’ Alex Smith didn’t have a headache before tonight.

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Will Smith go down in history as the 49ers Wally Pipp?

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A bug in the new version of Google’s mobile operating system omits the month of December. And a whole lot of stressed out folks responded “and the problem with that is…?”

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Hostess Brands and a key union just agreed to tried to mediate their dispute, so the company may not shut down after all. This is bad news for folks who bought thousands of Twinkies to sell on Ebay. I blame Obama.

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Eagles’ coach Andy Reid said he won’t resign, because quitting would be a “cop-out” after he has asked the players to keep fighting. And Philadelphia fans are thinking, “Hey, it’s okay, think of your family, relax, take some time off…

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Rutgers and Maryland to the Big 10?!! Right, because when you think of the Midwest, you think of New Jersey and Maryland.

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Going into the last regular season college football weekend, who’d a thunk the most popular team at BCS headquarters might well be Kent State? No joke. Had Kent State not upset Rutgers, the Big East’s Scarlet Knights would be undefeated, and two wins away from a legitimate claim over a one-loss SEC team to be in the championship game.

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David Beckham announced that he is leaving the Los Angeles Galaxy after the MLS Cup on Dec. 1. Retiring? Of course not? Who do we think he is? Brett Favre?

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Petraeus biographer Paula Broadwell apparently is telling friends she is ‘devastated” by the fallout from their relationship. Here’s a hint for the future Paula – if you have to have an affair, it’s best not to go batshit crazy to “defend” it.

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The man who recanted his accusation of underage sex against Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash now apparently wants to recant his recantation, along with the $125,000 settlement. Even General Petraeus is thinking “Bad person to have a relationship with, dude.”

Nancy Pelosi says she will stay on as House Minority Leader because much work remains to be done. And if anyone knows about having work done, it’s Rep. Pelosi.

In Cincinnati, a judge offered to let a 19-year old man stay out of prison if he gave up marijuana, and his response was that he would try, but could he “at least get one more joint in?” Can’t imagine how pot gets the reputation for inhibiting short-term memory and critical thinking.

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Hostess Brands is now saying they will liquidate the company if striking workers don’t come back to work. Fortunately the Twinkies and Ding Dongs already made have enough preservatives to outlast most of our lifetimes.

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Who knew, in today’s U.S. Army that 3:00am phone call might be a booty call?

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United Airlines had a major computer problem for two hours this morning that is still delaying flights. Coming soon, a computer maintenance fee?

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BP agreed to a $4.5 BILLION settlement for the Gulf oil spill. Wonder how much extra that will add to the price for a gallon of gas?

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U.S. Tennessee Rep. Scott DesJarlais of Tennessee, already under fire for allegedly pressuring his mistress to have an abortion, testified during divorce proceedings that he and his former wife made a “mutual” decision for her to have two abortions. This is a man who on his website said: “All life should be cherished and protected. We are pro-life.”

Except of course, when it isn’t convenient for us.

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MLB Commissioner Bud Selig is apparently “examining” the pending trade between the Miami Marlins and Toronto Blue Jays. What, to find out why the Marlins didn’t make the deal with the Yankees?

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Things are so bad with the Miami Marlins that there is even talk of contracting the baseball team. When asked about it, many South Floridians responded “We have a baseball team?”

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Apparently the Army has suspended the security clearance of General Petraeus’s former mistress Paula Broadwell. Presumably they are also locking barn doors while they try to round up the horses.

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What do these four names have in common? Timothy Beckham, Pedro Alvarez, Eric Hosmer, and Brian Matusz. Answer, all were chosen ahead of Buster Posey in the 2008 MLB draft.

From T.C. A British pub hosted a “World’s Biggest Liar Contest” this week. Since this was an amateur event, lawyers and generals were not allowed to participate.

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Some folks think Obamacare suddenly has made companies play games with their employees’ hours to save money. Hah. I worked at Farrell’s, which was owned by Marriott, back in the late 70s. The rule was, no overtime. But if you happened to be at 40 hrs in a week during a busy time as a waitress where you could make decent tips, and they were short handed, you could, unofficially of course, work off the clock….

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Former WNBA star Chamique Holdsclaw was jailed in Atlanta after being accused of breaking another woman’s car windows with a bat and then shooting into that car. And who says women athletes will never be the equals of men?

Actual kudos to Rex Ryan, after anonymous players on his team allegedly said Tim Tebow would be a terrible QB: “If you’re not going to put your name to it, I think that’s about as cowardly of a thing as there is.” And really, I mean it’s not as if the players already haven’t admitted they are members of the NY Jets.

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But really? An ESPN report says than many players in the NY Jets locker room believe Tim Tebow is not very good. As opposed to millions of Jets fans who now have seen that Mark Sanchez is not very good.

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US Customs agents announced that last month they confiscated 537 cartons of knock-off handbags, belts and wallets at the Port of NY/NJ, with an estimated value – if authentic – of about $20 million. So much for small businesses on Canal Street. I blame Obama.

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The Phillies are rumored to be signing Josh Hamilton. Well, and what better fans to deal with a talented man with a very fragile psyche?

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Yikes. US women’s soccer goalie Hope Solo married former Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens yesterday, a day after he was released after a court appearance for alleged domestic violence. (No joke.) Anyone want to guess how long this marriage will last?

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Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria was challenged on why he traded most of his stars so quickly after getting them in the first place. His response “We finished in last place. Figure it out.” And Cubs management said ‘You can do that?”

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Paula Broadwell, speaking about General Petraeus in July said “It was my responsibility not to leak, not to violate my mentor….” Guess she didn’t feel it was her responsibility not to have her mentor violate her?

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Senator John McCain, usually outspoken on national security issues, has been very quiet on the General Petraeus situation. Don’t suppose it has anything to do with the fact that McCain started dating Cindy when he was still married to wife #1?

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So Nancy Pelosi is staying on as House Minority Leader. This is good news both for a lot of Democrats, and Republican fundraisers.

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United Airlines is now offering their First Class international passengers turn-down service. For coach passengers, they are thinking of adding a surcharge to dim the lights at night after takeoff.

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Charles Barkley said of Warriors center Andrew Bogut, “I don’t think he can ever play again.” Well, wouldn’t that be a shocker to anyone who knows Golden State’s history with draft picks and trades.

Marc Ragovin: “So General Petreus had an affair with the author of his biography, which is titled “All in” And boy, was he!”

And from Mark – “Any truth to the rumor the General will change his name from Petraues to General Betrayus?”

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The Oakland Raiders lost 55-20 to the somewhat offensively challenged Baltimore Ravens?! If Al Davis wasn’t dead this would have killed him.

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Have to wonder, when Mitt Romney starts spending more time at his soon-to-be-rebuilt home in sunny San Diego, will he wish he’d just retired there four years sooner?

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Newest members of “Who Dat” nation? The 1972 Miami Dolphins.

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A Southwest Airlines jet slid off a taxiway at Denver International Airport on Saturday. Fortunately there were no injuries, making the biggest question for most passengers – do we get extra frequent flyer miles?

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Fresh off their mega deal with the Boston Red Sox, the Los Angeles Dodgers have bid 25.7 million dollars for the rights to try to sign Korean pitcher Ryu Hyun-jin. Even the New York Yankees are thinking “Ever heard of fiscal restraint?”

Looks like Phil Jackson wasn’t quite as good at the “Name your own price” game as he thought he was.