5 Reasons You’re Still Single

You think you're suave, but really you're just shooting yourself in the foot.

Do you ever wake up in the morning and stare bleakly at the reflection of yourself in the bathroom mirror, gazing into those blackened, sleep-deprived eyes and wondering why you’re so painfully alone? No? Yeah, me neither… but if you do, then chances are that you’ll be interested in discovering the reasons behind the female genders aversion to you. Luckily for you, I’ve spent enough time crying studying the female mind to know exactly what it is that you’re doing wrong. Here are 5 reasons why you can’t escape your pit of loneliness.

1. You correct her grammar

You receive a text. “I’m sorry,” it reads, “your just not my type”. “*you’re”, you reply. You then proceed to sit and wonder why so many women describe you as not being their type, and also why so many people on Facebook spell “definitely” with an A. The truth is that although you feel like you are doing the world a service by politely correcting the grammar of those around you, you’re just fighting a losing battle, which will end up with you eventually succumbing to the writing style of a generation that can successfully organise a night out in 10 characters or less. It’s time to get some practise in: “U @ bar 2nite?”

2. You try too hard

You’re waiting for her to arrive. This is your first date with this girl, who you’ve had your eye on for quite some time now, and as such nervousness is overcoming your excitement. What should you say to her? Should you instantly compliment her on her appearance, or is that too much? And if you’re going to compliment her appearance, should you simply say she looks nice in general, or compliment her on a specific part of her anatomy? Maybe you should say her eyes look nice? What about her hair? How should you first greet her? A friendly handshake, or a hug, or maybe even a kiss on the cheek? Oh God, here she comes… “Nice tits”, you say, before lunging in for a kiss and accidentally head-butting her.

3. You talk about your ex too much

The waiter comes to take both of your orders. “What drinks would you like?” he asks. “I’ll just have a Diet Coke”, replies your date. “Oh, thank God”, you say, “my ex used to always drink regular Coke, the fat bitch.” You may think that talking negatively about your ex-girlfriend will assure your date that you no longer have feelings for her, but it is in fact doing exactly the opposite. Explaining to her about your routine sobbing sessions whilst lying naked on her front lawn will also not earn you any brownie points.

4. You’ve grown a neck beard

You may have thought that continuing the growth of your beard from your chin down to your neck would be a good idea, but as it starts to become indistinguishable from your chest hair you begin to receive the kind of disgusted glances that, as a half-arsed Bigfoot, you should really have anticipated. It’s true that a lot of girls like their guys to be rugged, but when your date can see flecks of last night’s dinner hiding in your formidable bush then it’s time that you got out the Gillette.

5. You won’t let singlehood go

So you’ve somehow advanced past the dating stage and managed to make this girl your girlfriend. Unfortunately, this relationship won’t even make it past the end of the month, after you refuse to get rid of your heavily stained Spider-Man bed sheets and your expansive vintage porn collection. I know that when in a relationship it’s important to “stay true to yourself”, but when “yourself” is a prolific masturbator and the winner of the Ohio Pie-Eating Championships 2008, it’s probably best that you sacrifice a few things in order to put an end to this prolonged stint of involuntary celibacy.