Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Sometimes it is hard to see through the things you dislike about your life and look at all of the positives. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for so much in my life. I am thankful for my son, my family and friends, my job, my independence, and my life in general. I may not be the person that I want to be or thought that I would be at this stage in my life, but I certainly don’t regret most of my decisions. Everyone has some things they wish they could redo, but those things in my life just motivate me to continue looking for what makes me happy and complete.

One thing I do have to look out for is my tendency to want to wait for opportunities to come find me. I also need to understand that one event or person is not going to be the “thing” that turns my life around. I am constantly wondering that if I moved, fell in love, or started my own business my life would suddenly fall into place. This is just unrealistic. That missing puzzle piece that I am always looking for is right in the mirror when I get up I the morning. I am the only person who can change the way I feel about who I am and who I want to become.

Decision making is not my forte. I am always scared that taking a big leap towards a dream or goal is going to plant me on my face. Maybe If I didn’t have a child I would be more willing to make these leaps, however with my son I am not so sure that I can be that bold. What I can do is make myself take the little hops and not care what other people think (this includes family who at times can be the worst at sabotaging.)

This week I found out some disturbing news about a member of my family that I am very close with. This made me think even more about whom I want to be and what I have to be thankful for. It also made me think that if I had to look back at my life up until now would I be satisfied? This doesn’t mean proud because I am proud of myself for many different accomplishments along the way. This means satisfied with what I have done and who I have turned into. The answer is no, at least not yet! However, I feel my weight is the largest contributor to that. I guess this means I will just have to work harder!

However, through all of this hard work losing weight and transitioning, I need to remember every day the things that God has given me to be thankful for. If I only think about them around this time of year I would be neglecting the best things I have in my life. The things that can help me get through challenges like this.

My goal is to lose this week! Nothing fancy, just a loss. I am a closet eater so I don’t really have a hard time on the holidays because there are always people around. I will make sure to not take home any unhealthy leftovers and to exercise. I just need to make sure that I do not deprive myself too much and resort to a binge. I wish myself Good Luck :-)

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Being overweight is frowned upon in society, which is unmistakable. However, it has become such a bias that it has almost developed into a social disease. I think at this point in time, in the United States, it is an even bigger issue than that of racism or religion. We have a person of color in office and daily I hear Mormon commercials on TV and the radio. However when it comes to being overweight you are viewed as disgusting, lazy, unintelligent and so on.

Alright, I understand being overweight is a health hazard! I think by now everyone is aware of that. I am not talking about the media’s pieces on good health habits. I support that! Society needs to understand all of the potential risks when being overweight and how to become healthier. I am talking about the society and the media that abuse people that are overweight. That are emotionally, verbally and even physically abusive to people that are struggling. Every day you can find television shows and radio programs that insult people about their appearance. I’ve heard, "she could be ugly or even worse…FAT," and a million more insulting phrases that can really hurt someone. I have even heard people that I care about or that care about me insulting people that are overweight right in front of my face!

Do they really not understand that overweight people have the same emotions as them? Beautiful and hardworking are two adjectives you don’t hear when referring to someone who is considered "fat." This is a shame! I know for a fact that people have been interested in me and turned me down because of what others would think. At times I even have concerns about certain friends and family members and their feelings when out with me in public.

Majority of people that are obese are not proud of themselves. Most likely they have an addiction to over eating or emotional problems (scars) that they carry with them. Then being overweight creates a low self-esteem. At times it is a never ending cycle. Your overweight ---> You feel poorly about yourself ---> You eat to stuff the pain ---> Then it starts all over again. I don’t think that anyone that is overweight is looking for sympathy. They just want to be understood and have people look at them for their personality and not their image. This goes for anyone that is overweight. Even if you are not obese, you can still have these same feeling about the five or ten pounds you feel you need to lose.

Everyone is human. Whether you are a size 5 or a size 20, you were made by God for a purpose. The person you are and the sprit you have inside of you was the reason you were created. You exterior is a temporary home until heaven. Of course we all want to feel good and live the one life we have to the fullest, but we want to be able to do that with love and encouragement.

This week I had an awesome weight loss! I am down 5lbs and have lost a total of 19.8lbs in eight weeks. I don’t expect that every week I will do well or even lose, but I do hope that I continue to keep my head up and not others discourage me. My goal this week is to Exercise, Exercise, Exercise!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Last week I struggled with my depression. Some people may not know how damaging it can be to suffer from something so awful. Even though I ate well and lost some weight (not nearly as much as I’d hoped for) I didn't feel well. I would love to tell you that I didn't feel like myself, but the truth is I know this part of myself better than any other. Many things bring me to this unhealthy state, but the two most influential are my weight and my fear of death.

I have an uncontrollable fear of death. To the extent in which I don't think the average person could even comprehend. It sickens me to think we live, touch, feel, and love and then we are no more. That the world continues to revolve and the person we are is gone. We may last in the hearts of some people who love us, but when they die their love dies too. It kills me to try and understand that today might be the last time I hug my son or talk to my mom. It pains me to think that there could just be nothingness. Then what? You live your whole life chasing dreams and making a name for yourself to be forgotten in the end; or to make a difference in someone’s life that is just going to pass on too. The most important thing in life is the people that we have. Because if I go tomorrow the only thing I would regret is not spending every waking minuet with my son and loved ones. I try to think of this every time I feel like I need a break.

I believe in God, but somehow even religion can't comfort my panic. I've heard people say that heaven and after life are just ways to make humans less scared of dying. I've also heard that we are all so self centered that we can't imagine that there is no existence after death. It’s hard to have faith when these opinions rattle my brain.

One thing I do know is that I cannot sleep at night anymore. I lie awake looking at the clock or distracting myself with meaningless activities (like surfing the web) just to avoid having to hear my own thoughts. These thoughts haunt me and turn me physically ill. When I am finally left alone with myself and I start to think about what death really means, I start to feel the panic creep over my body. It starts in the center of my abdomen and then works its way up into my chest. It sends me into a crying hysteria until I heave. Every rational thought that I make myself think throughout the day, to keep myself sane, cannot be found. At times only falling asleep from exhaustion will stop the panic. This happens every night.

I have heard from some therapists that people with eating disorders tend to have a terrible phobia of death. I’ve heard it is because of their need to control things and that death is uncontrollable. That food can be one of the few ways a suffering person can have control in their own life. I believe this.

How do you try and control an overwhelming fear of the inevitable? You would think that someone who is so afraid of dying would want to be healthy and wouldn't be "morbidly" obese, though somehow nothing is a comfort or reward.I try to be a good person, friend, mom, and employee but sometimes I am just too angry or stressed out to try. The things in life that should be so simple are a challenge in my every day.

My disgust with myself and appearance over takes all positive thinking. Sometimes I feel like the reason I am even attempting to lose weight is just for acceptance. Then I think to myself that I might have gained this weight because of similar reasons. Sometimes I crave the attention of another male just for someone to think I am pretty or want to spend time with me, but then I get angry with myself for focusing on things like that with when life is too short. I should be worried about my son and his future and not some temporary attention.

Before I had my son I still felt sick about these issues. However, when he was born it was heightened immensely. Some nights I pull him into bed with me after he has already been asleep just to comfort myself. I want to be able to hold him, feel him, smell him, and hear him. All of the things you cannot do when your dead. I think to myself, “what if I get to heaven and I can’t find him?”

I understand that some of these feeling are normal and some are unhealthy. I also understand that losing weight and being healthy will help my depression; however I'm afraid some fears will never diminish. It is not fair to live the one life I have in fear.

I did not write this for sympathy or help, simply to help people understand one of the MANY things I struggle with everyday. I wrote this for people to understand one of the things that deter me from having a positive outlook on weight loss and life. I have so many life goals. In fact some that may be unreachable. Writing a book, acting, owning a hotel, owning my own real-estate, being a successful business owner, traveling and more! These are all the things I have plans for and I can’t do being fat or afraid. They are all such big goals that little things like losing a pound a week seem like such a drag-on. It’s hard for me to stay focused and enthused.

I don’t really have any goals this week besides sticking to plan. I need to understand that a loss is a loss no matter how small. I also need to realize that happiness is not a goal for the future, but a state of mind that should be lived every day.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I had a decent loss this week, but I have to admit I wasn’t on my best behavior. I stopped tracking what I was eating and ended up not exercising from Wednesday on. The exercise was due to a shooting pain that is stabbing me in my left side. I could barely move for four days, but now it seems to be getting a little better. However, the lack of tracking was because I was getting LAZY!

Tracking is extremely important because it not only keeps record of the food, calories and fat I am consuming, but it also makes me accountable for my choices. Accountability is the key to my success. If I didn’t get weighed in every week in front of someone I would never be able to keep myself going. I tend to be a people pleaser so I don’t want to get on the scale in front of that person and have gained. Oh, but this is also a catch twenty-two!

It is just as easy for me to stay away because I don’t want to be embarrassed. I could easily avoid my weigh-ins, fall off the place of the earth and gain all of my weight back. I need to find away to make a happy medium. To be able to want to please people, but not have their thoughts (or what I think their thinking) overpower my emotions. This is something I need to work on not just with weight loss, but also with everyday life.

I am very thankful that I go with someone to these weigh-in meetings. Having someone expect me to show up every week keeps me going. My only fear is that this person is getting close to their goal weight…I hope they don’t disappear on me?! The good thing is I had another friend join recently and I am hoping we can continue to keep eachother on track and losing weight.

I am also thankful that I am writing this blog weekly and posting it on networking sites. Knowing that people are reading it keeps me on track and excited about my next loss. Thank you to my readers!

Support + Accountability + Hard work= Success!

My goal this week is to track everyday! I would also like to get some sort of physical activity in daily. With not feeling good this is not an easy task. The good thing is I now have less than 200lbs to go!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

This is the hard part of blogging to an unknown amount of people, confessing your slip-ups. Last week couldn’t have gotten much worse when it came to eating healthy and being active. Not only did I skip exercise from Thursday on, but I also ate anything and everything I came across for four days. When I say anything I mean it! Here we go… kettle corn, whopper, fries, frozen pizza, delivery pizza, ice cream, cookies, chocolate, mozzarella sticks, raisinettes, and LOTS of Pina Coladas. Not only did I make these bad choices, but I also ate an abundance of them.

From Thursday on I lost all hope in myself. I kept thinking that I will probably always be this way and even if I work really hard to take this weight off I will probably die the day I get to my goal weight anyways! I am the type of person that can really have high hopes and encouragement for other people, but I can rarely find any worth in myself. Since I knew I was getting into a depressive low, I kept praying to God to help me become motivated again and not lose what I already worked so hard for.

The problem is that when I have royally screwed up and have started binging again I can never, and have never, gotten back on track. I lose whatever it is that I fight with when I have urges or that tells me I can get through this. I honestly thought that I had already lost it completely, and if it wasn’t for the people I attend my meetings with I wouldn’t have even bothered going.

Luckily, when I went to the meeting I ended up losing 1lb anyway. Not what my goal was, but I honestly thought I had gained back at least 5lbs. Thank God I Went, because when I woke up Tuesday morning I was ready to exercise and eat right and have faith in everything again. This would be the first time I have ever been so far off track and then gotten back on. This is a personal achievement that means a lot to me. However, if I wouldn’t have lost the pound I am not sure if I would have gotten back on. I suppose it was my own little mini miracle.

I don’t have any firm goals this week. I want to re-train myself turn to other healthy food items when I am breaking down. I’m just happy that I found motivation again and I don’t want to be too hard on myself.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

First off I made my goal this week of loosing enough weight to make it to my 10lb marker! Thank goodness, but boy was it a challenge. Because I was in Baltimore for five days I was eating on the go often. With stops it ended up being about a seven hour drive so at least one of my main meals was on the road. Before I started this weight loss program I was definitely one for the drive-thru, so it was really hard to drive for seven hours and pass every fast food drive-thru chain about ten times on the way down and back. I made it a point of only stopping once so that I wouldn’t have the temptation to stop frequently for food. I also stuck to grilled options and optional sides instead of French fries and fried options.

When I finally got to my destination, the only things I struggled with were alcohol and snacking. The main meals were pretty healthy and I even made dinner one night to ensure I was eating on plan. But, for someone that does not drink often a glass of wine or a couple beers every night was a lot. I also found myself more hungry than usual. I try all day, when I am on a normal schedule, to snack healthily about every two hours. This stabilizes my hunger and probably boosts my metabolism at the same time. However, I guess I didn’t not bring enough snacks with me because I really only ate the three main meals of the day and found myself getting antsy in between.

One other disadvantage was not having my stationary bike to ride nightly. We did end up getting a bit of walking in between the DC Zoo and the Harbor, but I find myself really unmotivated to get back on now that I am home. Blahh!

Overall I had a really great time seeing one of my best friends and new sites, and I must not have done too badly if I made my goal! My only goal this week is to exercise daily. I need to push myself to get back into the routine before I lose the willpower.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Over all my week was successful. I didn’t do much dining out this week which helped eliminate unwanted calories and fat. My advice for people who like to dine out (ME!) is to go online and read the nutrition facts before you go out to a restaurant. You wouldn’t believe some of the calories and fat in even the simplest dishes! I have found that by going on a restaurants website and reading through the options you can weed out a lot of bad decisions that you might have thought were okay. It can also open you up to new options. Maybe you will try something that wouldn’t have normally interested you and it may turn into a new favorite. You can also minimize temptation by just knowing what you’re getting before you walk in the door. It can save you from reading through the menu and debating on unhealthy choices. It is a lot easier to resist something from your computer screen then the inside of a restaurant where the atmosphere and sense of smell take over!

Speaking of smells and temptations… I made 24 vanilla cupcakes that smelled like heaven this weekend. They were for my little mini (Halloween themed) and they were hard to resist, so I didn’t! I decided I wanted one and if I didn’t have at least one I would probably eat them all. So, I added less batter to one of the cupcake wrappers and when it was finished I added about a teaspoon and a half of frosting (opposed to the three tablespoons I used on the others.) Then after dinner I had my mini cupcake and coutned in on my tracker. Oh yeah, then I gave away all of the rest to family, friends, and co-workers so that I wouldn’t have to stare at them for three days!

Even though I resisted temptations, I had a hard time sticking to my personal goals last week. I did clean my house, except my bedroom~~SCARY! However, I did not find a self-soothing exercise. I think that this is an important thing to do so I will leave it on my agenda for this week.

My largest goal this week is to lose 2lbs (1.8lbs at minimum) so that I make it to my 10lb marker. This may sound rather easy, but I am taking a trip to Baltimore and I'm extremely worried about how I will do while I am away. I am staying with a very close friend and will have to eat mostly what they provide for main meals. I will be buying some of my own food and maybe even offering to make dinner one night for everyone. We will go out to eat once or twice, but I have become better at making healthier choices while eating out. I have already called this friend ahead of time and let her know that I am serious about sticking to my plan while at her house and that I want to get exercise while I am there as well. If I wasn’t so close to marker than maybe I wouldn’t be as nervous, but I know that if I don’t hit the 10lbs next week I will be soooo disappointed in myself. Cross your fingers for me please!!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Anyone that knows me knows I am a tad bit obsessive. I easily become consumed with new things whether its people, hobbies, or recent self discoveries. At this point in my weight loss I am finding myself overly obsessed with food. Yes, you could argue I was obsessed with food before, but this is a different type of obsession.

I feel like every minute of the day I am planning around food. I am either planning what to have for a meal, what to buy at the store, or when to eat the next thing on my list. My brain is on overload! Before when I used to binge eat I wouldn’t think about food all day, I would just get an urge and binge and then be done with it. This was definitely not a good approach, but I wasn’t obsessing about food every minute of every day. Because I am attempting to eat every couple hours (to boost my metabolism) I find myself eager to eat the next thing that I pre-planned for the day. The scary thing is it’s not because I am hungry! It’s more like a check list that I feel like I have to accomplish.

I have learned with past experiences that if you fail to plan- plan to fail! Cliché? I know, but true. I know that I have to continue to plan for my day and take challenges as they come to be successful, but how do I do this without it consuming me?

As for my goals for last week I did really well. I started riding my stationary bike every other day and walking in between. I didn’t do full out power walks, but I did walk while my son biked to the playground and things like that. I also did not have a single binge the entire week.

The exercise seems to be going ok, however I am not even close to where I want to be. I want to push myself hard, because in the past I when I did work out I pushed myself to the max. Now I find myself being more cautious because of my weight and the medication I am on for my heart. I’m scared to push too hard in fear of I’ll have a heart attack. I guess I am in my “baby steps” phase.

This week’s weigh-in was disappointing. I still lost, but I didn’t make my 2 pound a week goal. However, my average is still over 2lbs a week so I guess that is what counts. I can’t help but to upset over it though. I made really good choices when I went out to eat and I even resisted all of the crap food at Darien Lake. Oh well, I hope I have better luck next week. (Un-motivating!)

For this next week my goal is to find a self-soothing exercise that is not related to food and work on incorporating that into my schedule. It is important to find something that can relive your stress and make you feel good-however it is hard for someone like me (who relies on food) to find something that truly works. Now that we are done feeling sick, I need to make sure I am spending sometime on my mental health as well as my physical.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

What a week! If you wanted to try and test your stressors then this would have been the perfect week for you. Not only were we trying to recover from being sick, but my poor little mini broke his arm. This really made me work on one of my greatest challenges- emotional eating. It is habitual for me to stuff all of my feelings down my throat with whatever I can find. When I am tired, frustrated, sad, lonely, you name it, I want to eat everything. Not because I am hungry or bored, but because I am programmed to eat my emotions. One of the most difficult things about trying to re-train myself is resisting the urge to shovel junk.

I found myself sticking to my plan for most of the week until I got to Monday-Oh Monday! After working, finding someone to pick-up my son because his arm was hurting, being sick, and braving an adult WW meeting with an actively talkative 4 year old, my patience were shot. I found myself snacking obsessively until I put myself to bed to end the misery I call MONDAY. That night I cried obsessively, feeling sorry for myself as usual, hoping I had not undone the weight I had taken off the week prior. It’s funny how even when you know the consequences you don’t care about the after math when you are giving into temptation. It is not until you take a step back and realize the only person you are sabotaging is yourself, then you feel like crap!

Anyway, another one of my biggest challenges is not knowing how to LET THINGS GO! I don’t do this, ever! So, I made a promise to myself that even though I used my extra weekly WW points binging on junk, I would get back on and take Tuesday by the throat and show it whose boss. And, I did! I started right back on plan and forgot about the negativity from Monday. I also started riding my stationary bike for some exercise, and when I peeked at the scale I was still down this morning.

My goals this week are to get some sort of exercise daily. I also have a personal goal to clean my HOUSE (Who lives like this!?).

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Everyone needs a fresh start every so often to re-gain their focus, this is mine! Even though I feel like my fresh start happens more often than should be acceptable I can’t help but re-challenge myself. Maybe this time it should be less about weight loss and more about redirecting my life.

I joined WW on Monday and even though I’m not fully motivated I know that I cannot continue to live like this, literally! I need to get a grip on self control and get to where I can at least feel comfortable being in public. Everything in my life revolves around my weight issue. I feel like I cannot go out to a bar, restaurant, pool, or other public places without wanting to hide. I turn down opportunity after opportunity, even vacation destinations, due to my weight. It is not just my insecurities, but also my physical size.

I am the heaviest I have ever been in my whole life. Not only do my clothes not fit, but I cannot even find my size in plus size stores anymore! This is terrifying. I have seen people that have gained massive amount of weight after not seeing them for a while; they don’t even look like the same person. I am now that person! I don’t want to run into anyone I know because of my appearance. Life is so important and my son is my life. From here on out I need to make a promise, not just myself but to him as well, that I will take this weight off. Not only will this help my health, but I will be a less distracted, stressed and frustrated Mom and person.

October of 2011 I have a big trip planned to DISNEY! My goal is to be down 96 lbs by then. That is an average of 2lbs a week which is a healthy goal. This may not bring me to my ultimate goal of loosing 212.2lbs, but it will make it so I can ride all of the rides, walk around without laboring, fly comfortably, and maybe even brave a bathing suit.