Monday, January 7, 2008

Mike McCarthy: I know we shouldn't be peering into the future at a time like this but, unlikely though it may be, if we are to advance far enough, this could be the final year with Brett as our quarterback.

[waves arms down to quell obvious excitement]

Now, now. It's not going to be an easy transition. The improved quarterback play by young Aaron will, at least for me, alter the entire playbook in painful, soul-wrenching ways. But for the sake of revenue and keeping the fanbase in its pallid lunacy, some people are going to have to take on a few of Brett's extracurriculars next season.

Atari: You have a hilarious name that resonates with people who don't get out of their houses. That'll help some.

Atari Bigby: Actually, it's the Japanese word for "attack."

McCarthy: Well, it's an American word for playing Missile Command whilst double fisting Fiddle Faddle in your basement. They teach that in the high schools 'round me.

But that won't do much to assuage the media fluffers. Who will they turn to in their moment of ejaculation?

Al Harris: It's just, you've been going through this whole song and dance for a few years now and -

Favre: You shut up, Al! I was just coming to tell you guys I was gonna stay. We were gonna be Packers forever. Remember when I said you were the most talented team I ever played with? I meant that. It came from here, here in my boyish, gunslinging indefatigable heart.

Favre: They're conspiring toward a future in which I play no part. A farewell to gunslinging!

Peter King:[furiously jabbing finger in McCarthy's chest] You-You-YOU UNCONSCIONABLE MONSTER! I voted you Coach of the Year! You made my Bretty Boy a factor again. Now I see it was just a big power grab, wasn't it? WASN'T IT?

LOOK AT ME!!!

[Fighting tears]

Come away, Brett. I feared this day would come and now it has. We'll find a home somewhere where dreams never die and the sweet song of Number Four will play as a paean to puckishness everlasting. The rigors of old age will never cut us down. We'll be dewy fresh for now and always. This was not a world made for lovers, its searing sneering cynicism was made to siphen the ardor of the warmest heart. You know this, as do I. Only together can we find this place, can we discover it within ourselves.

i started reading this hoping it would involve a disgraced brett favre washing windows and then dying in a car wreck eventually, but peter king being gay always beats czech literature in terms of awesomeness.

devang YES. I can see the commercials for the compilation CDs now... PK lounging by the fire on a bearskin rug or running in slow motion through a field of daisies as song titles like "You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings" and "I Will Always Love You" scroll across the screen. The entire box set can be yours for just $24.99 so act now!

I would have liked to see this scene end with PK pickup up Favre, and carrying him out of the Packer training facility, just like in The Bodyguard. And F.M.R.A., hearing Peter belt out "I Will Always Love You" would have been icing on the cake!