Gamers disagree
on what game is actually Olympic-sport worthyBy
Cozmic
Formerly, they used to be thought of as a pointless waste of time for nerds
and shut-ins who never had friends and always got beaten up by the jocks
who played real sports, but events like EVO and world championships in the
most popular games have proven that competitive gaming can stretch out beyond
the living room, at least.
With this in mind, the gaming community quickly decided to try and get gaming
into the Olympics, and now that the goal is almost remotely not impossible,
it seems rampant fanboyism will again wreck everything, as is customary
in these situations.

So there are three major factions: the Halo fanboys, the Counter-Strike
people who finally decided to show up in the light, with a fairly large
amount of hissing and cries of “I'm meeeeltiiing!”, and the Koreans. Arguments
between the three are extremely fierce, with the CS players saying Halo
is stupid because it is on console, the Halo players saying Starcraft
is a clickfest for 14-year old Korean kids, and the Korean kids simply
going “kekekekeke!” and pointing out they seem to have the most support
for their game, what with Starcraft already being the national sport of
Korea and all.

In an effort to get more rational responses of the three games, we tried
to interview the developers behind these games, something that proved
rather impossible. Blizzard was far too busy swimming in money gained
from World of Warcraft to talk to us, Bungie thought we wanted to discuss
Halo: Reach and so sent the robot-dogs after us, and when we finally did
manage to talk to Valve and Gabe Newell, he simply shouted “PS3 sucks!”
and then proceeded to eat the cameraman. I barely escaped that place alive,
only managing to fend Newell off with a handy crowbar long enough to get
the helicopter to come rescue me. On a sidenote, if anyone ever wondered
who the Boomer from Left 4 Dead was designed after, now you know.

With all the arguments going on, most people are forgetting that even
getting a single game into the winter or summer Olympics would be amazing,
not to mention incredibly weird, and also that the one true game to be
played at something like that would be old school Quake, the master of
the multiplayer community, although this community seems to be busy doing
other stuff.

Meanwhile, smaller groups are hoping to see the likes of Justin Wong
facing Daigo Umehara in Street Fighter games again, on TV as opposed to
a laggy webstream, something fans of just about any beat ém up
can find themselves supporting, but this group still fades in comparison
to FPSes and clickfest-genre-from-the-mid-90's fans, despite being one
of the most perfect ways to demonstrate someone's utter skill and mastery
of games.

It remains increasingly unlikely that games will become a part of the
Olympic games, other than as sucky tie-ins, but gamers will continue to
fight, just not on a unified front because this time someone is not blaming
them for a school shooting.

Ultimate Fighting Champion competitor Brick Hittum
shaved every hair off his body, eyebrows included, painted himself purple,
wore zebra stripped pants and a yellow and green polka dot waistcoat, proposed
to a walrus, married a cow named Barry, punched Ellen DeGeneres in the mouth
while singing “Funky Town”, ate one dozen chicken mcnuggets, drank crude
oil while driving backwards along the I-98 and was nearly committed to an
insane asylum until he admitted his reason for doing all this: to gain a
Klondike bar.
Klondike Bar officials reported they had no idea the man wanted one of their
candy treats so badly and gave him one for free, saying he did more than
enough to earn one.