I lost my Granny

Shellie6January 29, 2005

I know this may sound strange to some, but I am 38 years old and I lost my Granny (my Mom's Mom) 12-04-04, She was 86. I still can't get over it. My friends, I'm sure they don't mean to, but make me feel more guilty than anything. I keep being told to get over it, everyone tells me how lucky I should feel because they all lost their Grandparents when they were teens or younger. I do feel lucky, very lucky. Maybe it's because we had so much time together that we just got closer and have more memories. My mom is having a terrible time with it, really bad. Is it immature to grieve so long. I still cry at little things, 9:34am (when she passed) every single day stands out to me. I can be watching tv, get up to get a drink and start crying. I still feel this big empty hole, that won't go away. Sometimes I feel that people are mean to me because I'm acting like a baby. I know it's all in my head, but when the feelings come on, they're so strong. I have the worst empty feeling in my heart, it actually hurts. Somedays I don't care if I even get out of bed and get dressed. I know some people have lost children, spouses, and parents and they have learned to deal, so shouldn't I by now? Is there anybody who feels this same way about their Grandma, or should I just grow up? Thank you, I'm new here I hope that's OK.

Bless your hearts. Just as there's no 'recipe' or pattern by which everybody grieves the same, there's no set age at which we are supposed to act a particular way. It seemed to me when I worked with the dying that the families of those who died in their 80s and 90s were no less ready to let go than those who died at a younger age. Sometimes it was as if the grandmother had lived so long, it was unbelievable that she should leave.

Check to see if there's a grief support group in your town. Ask at the hospital. If there's a hospice nearby call them. Grief support groups are generally free to all in the community. Try to remember your Granny and how she dealt with bad times.
Talk with your family about your Granny, perhaps making a 'memory book' or something else you can share to show the value of her life.

Shellie,
my sister lost her husband almost three years ago. She is still grieving. It doesn't go away over night and a couple months is no time at all.

Why should we be expected to forget about the people who were in our lives? We try to remeber the good times and talk about the different things that they did.

Another sister told me this morning that she's been married to her present husband longer than to her first. They've been married for 20 yrs now and it seems like her first husband died just a little while ago.

Pay no attention to people who tell you to get over it. If they don't want o talk about the ones's who died, change the subject. Politics is always good for getting peeps onto something controverable.

Thank you so much for your kind words, to both who responded. I never thought of grief counseling, I thought support groups who titled. (lost spouse, cancer support, etc...) Just grief in general is something I will check into. I still feel a bit strange at my age, not being able to deal with the loss of a grandmother. But I will just start changing the subject, good advice there. Because when I just sit and take it, I feel so much worse in the end. Knowing that some people still feel as if it were yesterday even though it's been several years, helped me quite a bit. The hardest part now is accepting the fact she's gone. I cry a lot in the evening when everyone is in bed so know one knows. I just want the empty feeling to lessen, I have this amazing strong desire to see her again and here her voice. I feel like I just can't go on unless I see her just one last time. Would it be too hard on me to ask my sister for a copy of home videos and maybe watch them, or whould that be just asking for worse feelings? Thank you.

To answer your question, "Is there anybody who feels this same way about their Grandma...?" my response is "Yes!" I, too, lost my grandmother when I was a few years younger than you.

I now "talk" to her in my prayers and believe that she's helped me solve some of my problems. You may think I'm strange, but I also send her hugs.

My pain hasn't completely gone away. It's just that the edges seem less sharp as time goes on. (Grandma passed away 10+ years ago.) To this day, there are still moments/memories that bring tears. Hardly a day goes by that I don't think about her. But, it does make me feel good that I have very good memories of her that I hold near and dear in my heart and because of this, I can still "see" her in my mind.

i think grief is so personal. there is no rule as to how long it takes and grief will come in stages. dont feel guilty about your grief - it is yours. the pain does not really go away, but you do get better at managing the grief you feel. im sorry for your loss. its so hard to ever really let go of someone we love so much. but we must hold on to the fact that they are always with us in some way.
deb

I have a similar situation. My granny passed away at the age of 91. At that time I was 36.
That was more than two years ago and I still feel very sad.
I'd thought since she lived to such a ripe old age, I should feel happy for her.
And as an adult, I should be able to manage my grief better.
But that is not the case. I'm still weeping like a little kid everytime I think of her.
I was surfing Google and keyed in "granny passed away" and this page popped up at the top of the list.

Thanks for finding us, Henry. In time, I hope you'll think of the positive qualities of your grandmother and pattern the way you treat others after her ways. I think that's the greatest tribute that anyone can make as a memorial to a grandparent.

lost an aunt when I was three. have lost people since-but she and I were close in a way that I didn't think would ever be duplicated.

the first place I ever drove on my own was to her grave. I don't NEED to be there to talk to her- but at times when I was most alone in the world, I spent a lot of time there- I'd take a book, or just sit and pick the weeds out of the grass while I talked to her...

my husband understands me like she did (oddly enough, he had an almost identical aunt who he misses very much) and before he met my parents, I took him to see her...and he's enough of a Goth to recognize the act as one of supreme trust, and treated it with the greatest respect.

the only thing that's in your head is that it's anyone else's damned business how much you miss your gran- or for how long, or how you express it. I'm sorry that you have fallen in with such a shallow bunch if nitwits, but I sorrow that they have never been loved deeply enough to mourn the loss of the hand that held them.

it's been 32 years, and she's still a central figure in my life- we took the same majors in college (art, art, and more art) the party frocks she made me are tucked away against the day I have a little girl of my own...and the smell of 4711 can stop me in my tracks from two blocks away.

actually, I went to see Bobby Mc Ferrin and his chorus perform about a month ago, and one of the few lines in the evening spoken in English (as opposed to McFerrin, which is a language all its own)

and as long as we remember, they will stay with us.

we are one of the few cultures that DON"T venerate our ancestors, build them shrines in the hearth, or the garden, and bring our children to them for blessings.