Aug 17, 2008

In the most shocking political comeback of this election season, John McCain announced today that octogenarian Fred Thompson will be his vice presidential running mate in the 2008 election.

McCain expressed confidence that Thompson's advanced age and decrepitude would make himself look younger and more vigorous by comparison.

"I can still walk and chew my own food," McCain said. "Fred can't even take a shit unless someone else massages his bowels."

"Fred and I agree on so many issues, it just made sense," McCain said, adding, "We both know our job is taking care of business--and I mean that literally. When someone puts a big chunk of change in your pocket, they expect some service and Fred and I will both deliver. I turned on a dime on that off-shore drilling nonsense once big oil told their people to get out the checkbooks. Fred knows the ropes--hell, he was even a lobbyist for a while, so he wrote the checks."

When asked if he was concerned about the Religious Right's reaction to tapping Thompson, McCain said, "Fred is an actor. If he has to speak in tongues, handle snakes, and roll on the floor to get those toothless hillbillies votes, he'll do it, and they'll believe him. Hell, they believed a silver spoon, spoiled frat boy like Bush was one of their own--they'll believe anything."

McCain himself has done considerable work mending fences with the Religious Right after calling them "agents of intolerance" during the 2000 campaign. He has pledged privately to leading fundamentalist ministers to bring about Armageddon by the end of his first term in office.

Why Gopher?

America needs a president who knows how to ACT presidential and yet remember he is a public servant. Fred Thompson knows how to serve--he carried the bags of countless B list celebrities on THE LOVE BOAT. In the twilight of his life, he showed his commitment to law and order on the long-running TV show LAW & ORDER.

He also served the public as a congressman from Iowa and as a talk radio host in a small East Coast town.