"I'm not a maharincess...I'm a henna-rinses!"

Both from Lisa Kudrow on different shows.
"Oh, now you have TWO!...oh...now you have two..."
"I LOVE Mary J. Bilge!"

Grace, asking Will's advise on four different dresses to wear: "This one's slitty, this one's slutty, this one's titty, this one's butty".

W&G

Oh my girls, Rhoda Fay, and Brenda Fay!
I don't get it, Ma. If you liked the name Fay so much, why didn't you just name one of us Fay?
I didn't like it THAT much!

%20Ida%20Morgenstern%2C%20Rhoda%20Morgenstern.

Jack McFarland: You don't even know me that well, why would you just assume that I was gay? FYI folks, most people that meet me do not know that I am gay.
Will Truman: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay!
Jack McFarland: Grace, did you know I was gay when you met me?
Grace Adler: My dog knew.

R3 One of my all-time favorites, too!

(After his grandfather mentions summoning the police)
"*Pfft!* The police? They're too busy out there winning the war on drugs!" -- Luke, MODERN FAMILY
My favorite running gag ever is how incredibly cynical ten year-old Luke is on MODERN FAMILY about the police. It's never been explained, but it always makes me laugh.

[quote]Jack McFarland: You don't even know me that well, why would you just assume that I was gay? FYI folks, most people that meet me do not know that I am gay.
[quote]Will Truman: Jack, blind and deaf people know you're gay. Dead people know you're gay!
[quote]Jack McFarland: Grace, did you know I was gay when you met me? Grace Adler: My dog knew.
Same episode:
"What is she, headless?"

The Voice of the Night

Wow, r14. Remove the pole from your ass.

[R15] I think that was a different episode-- the one where Jack's mother doesn't know he's gay. The original quotes were from the pilot.

Blanche: Dorothy, perhaps you should find an organization that is less fanatical in its devotion.
Dorothy: Like what, Blanche...the PLO?
***************
Blanche: I do love the rain so. It reminds me of my first kiss.
Dorothy: Ah, your first kiss was in the rain.
Blanche: No, it was in the shower.

Phoebe on "Friends", restraining Rachel and Monica, who were fighting and are now both kneeling on the floor: "If this was prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches!"
"Designing Women" - Julia's been sequestered for jury duty because Charlene's interference. Julia rants at Charlene via phone, who then asks Suzanne what she should do.
"I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get﻿ the hell outta town!
Also, when Suzanne told "Kyle Westheimer's parents that he is, in fact, a bisexual" and when she told her lesbian friend "honey, if we can put a man on the moon we can put a man on you!"

Hisssssssss

R12 = elderly cunt.

You've got splinters in the windmills of your mind!
I saw it in a window and I just couldn't resist it.
-Carol Burnett Show

Phoebe pretending that she doesn't already know what Ross is telling her:
That is brand new information!!

Stale pastry is hollow succor, to a man bereft of ostrich.

Sheldon Cooper

Lucille Bluth unknowingly driving past her daughter Lindsey who is imprisoned in a cage (and dancing) on the side of the road after being arrested in a demonstration:
"WHORE!"
Lucille complaining about a Gay boat demonstration that is overshadowing her husband's retirement party on another boat:
"Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to set myself on fire!"
Buster Bluth chasing a bird flying around the house:
"It walked on my pillow!"

Monica: Shut up, the camera adds 10 pounds.
Chandler: So how many cameras are actually on you?

[quote]"Designing Women" - Julia's been sequestered for jury duty because of Charlene's interference.
My favorite quote from that episode:
No-Lipped Jury Lady: I don't think jurors are supposed to threaten each another. I don't appreciate that.
Julia: Oh, [italic]really[/italic]? Well, I don't appreciate [italic]you[/italic] leavin' a big ol' box of your June Allyson bladder pads on my nightstand for all the maids and bellboys to see! Of course [italic]you[/italic] don't care if you [italic]never[/italic] get outta here -- you don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom!

There's a sequence on Frasier where Roz loses it.
Roz: You hear that whooshing sound? It's my career going down the toilet.
Frasier: Oh God, Roz, I don't think I've helped a single person tonight.
Roz: Helped? You'll be lucky if you don't get sued! You told a longshoreman to come out of the closet, and a gay guy to spend more time on the docks!
Frasier: Well, you're the one who's supposed to keep track of who's on what line!
Roz: Okay, let me make it easy for you: FREAKS! Freaks on line one! Freaks on line two! Freaks everywhere!

Julia: Excuse me, aren't you Marjorie Leigh Winnick, the current Miss Georgia World?
Marjorie: Why, yes I am.
Julia: I'm Julia Sugarbaker, Suzanne Sugarbaker's sister. I couldn't help over hearing part of your conversation.
Marjorie: Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was here.
Julia: Yes, and I gather from your comments there are a couple of other things you don't know, Marjorie. For example, you probably didn't know that Suzanne was the only contestant in Georgia pageant history to sweep every category except congeniality, and that is not something the women in my family aspire to anyway. Or that when she walked down the runway in her swimsuit, five contestants quit on the spot. Or that when she emerged from the isolation booth to answer the question, "What would you do to prevent war?" she spoke so eloquently of patriotism, battlefields and diamond tiaras, grown men wept. And you probably didn't know, Marjorie, that Suzanne was not just any Miss Georgia, she was the Miss Georgia. She didn't twirl just a baton, that baton was on fire. And when she threw that baton into the air, it flew higher, further, faster than any baton has ever flown before, hitting a transformer and showering the darkened arena with sparks! And when it finally did come down, Marjorie, my sister caught that baton, and 12,000 people jumped to their feet for sixteen and one-half minutes of uninterrupted thunderous ovation, as flames illuminated her tear-stained face! And that, Marjorie - just so you will know - and your children will someday know - is the night the lights went out in Georgia!

Well, COUNTLESS ones from I Love Lucy.
But this one from Roseanne always stuck in my mind - Rosanne to another woman who just lost her fairly new husband: "It's a shame you weren't married longer, then maybe you wouldn't miss him as much."

Edie: Inside of me, darling, is a thin person just screaming to get out.
Edie's Mum: Just the one, dear.

"They’re trying to make gay people straight? Good Lord! Don’t they know what that’ll do to the fall line?"
"Well, well, well... if it isn't Karen Walker. I thought I smelled gin and regret."

From "Third Rock from the Sun" (William Shatner played the Big Giant Head)
Sally Solomon: So how was your trip, sir?
The Big Giant Head: Horrifying, at first. I looked out the window and... I saw something on the side of the plane.
Dr. Dick Solomon: The same thing happened to me!

Dorothy: Thrice? Thrice, Rose?
Rose: Thrice is a word!
Dorothy: So is "inter-uterine"....it does not belong in a song!

(singing) Blackman, Blackman, where did you come from?

Bernice%20Clifton

"Oh, thank God he's white!" - Mary Campbell in "Soap." After seeing her new baby for the first time and being afraid he might be silver since she wasn't sure she'd been impregnated by her husband, Bert, or his alien twin. The black nurse wasn't amused.

"Well, middle class was fun..."
From Roseanne after their power is shut off for non-payment.

Karen line from W&G when they're stranded in a cabin:
Grab a bottle, hunker down, and pray for daylight!!
BF and I use that as shorthand for any horrible thing we have to endure, like Hands on a Hardbody, but that's for the Bway thread.

[quote]"Designing Women" - Julia's been sequestered for jury duty because Charlene's interference. Julia rants at Charlene via phone, who then asks Suzanne what she should do.
[quote]"I think you and your baby should get some black wigs on and get﻿ the hell outta town!
From the same episode:
Old crone on the jury: I don't think jurors are supposed to threaten each other. I don't appreciate that.
Julia: Oh, [italic]really[/italic]? Well, I don't appreciate [italic]you[/italic] leavin' a big ol' box of your June Allyson bladder pads on my nightstand for all the maids and bellboys to see! Of course [italic]you[/italic] don't care if you NEVER get outta here—you don't even have to get up to go to the bathroom!

AL: Peg, we can't have sex tonight. The kids are home. So, if you wanna have sex, the kids will have to leave. And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.
Another. Al has a concussion after diving into the mall wishing well looking for spare change and slips and falls. His complaints are keeping Peg awake.
PEG: You know Al, this is just like you. You're such a big baby. It's just like last summer when you were changing the tire on your car and the car fell off the jack and pinned your legs under the car. Boy, a lot of sleep I got that night. "I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs." That's all I heard that night. Now shut up and go to sleep. And rub my tushey.

From Andy Richter Controls the Universe:
"And I killed the grief counselor. I killed her with my pain."
"It sounds like she gave you a very innocent thanks for a lovely evening kiss. Not a slappity slappity boogedy boogedy boogedy boom kiss."

Ethel! Look what happened to your washing machine!

Will & Grace:
Karen to Jack: Honey, you're simple, you're shallow and you are a common whore... That's why we are soulmates!!

Karen (to Lorraine): If your dress were any shorter, we could see your English muffin.
Lorrainte (to Karen): If your dress were cut any lower, we could see your Yankee Doodles.

WARD CLEAVER
[about Wally and Beaver] Dear, did you know they were planning on raising chinchillas?
JUNE CLEAVER
Yes, they told me yesterday.
WARD CLEAVER
Why didn't you say something to me about it?
JUNE CLEAVER
Because Beaver promised me the first coat free.

Years ago, on the show Mister Sunshine (about a grouchy blind fellow), his future mother-in-lw asked her daughter, "What about children" and the woman responded, "Mother, it's his EYES that don't work!"

The%20HISS%20of%20the%20Older%20Guy

The more I Googled quotes from shows the more it became apparent that Lucy really is the best sitcom writing. Though there are tons of them here's a few I really like:
Ethel Mertz: Fred, I'm sorry I said you were a dumb bunny.
Fred Mertz: And I'm sorry you're so fat you sat on my glasses and broke'em.
Lucy Ricardo: Hey, Ethel. Guess what Ricky got me!
Ethel Mertz: Um... let's see. A hat? A new dress?
Lucy Ricardo: Oh Ethel better! Think about what every woman wants from her husband!
Ethel Mertz: A divorce?
Ethel Mertz: I refuse to go anywhere with someone who thinks I am a hippopotamus.
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, is this true?
Lucy Ricardo: No, I just implied that she was a little hippy... though she has got the biggest potamus I've ever seen.