DAY #10
This was our last full day in Amsterdam and it sure is sad to come to this point. You find yourself wandering through the streets of AMS and surrounding areas as if it will never end. All days to this point seem much less terminating to the wondrous events that you have been experiencing while in this ‘Escape World’. We know this beautiful place by many names, we travelers to the other world.
It was a day that we make our last ditch effort to raise the bar of the ‘level of Comfort’, as I refer to it. All the while walking at a very slow pace to drink in the last memories at a slow and never-ending rate. (I Wished)Kind of a double edge sword, smoke as much as you can and still remember the beautiful sights such as, buildings, canal houses, canals, bicycles, trams, coffeeshops, and the entire Dutch ambiance. None of which exists in my hometownsville, USA.
When we awoke, we were to see if Weldon would be checking in today. I kept a look out the window, with bong in hand, keeping a watch for anyone walking in the hotel entrance. At 9:00 we decided to go catch breakfast. We ate in the breakfast room that showed the construction so we could see if he checked in. We sat there a good while past breakfast and still no Weldon. Advancing back to the room to wait a little while longer, and smoked another gram of weed sitting at the window. At 11:00, we decided his flight must be delayed and headed off to make our last coffeeshop visits. First on the list was to say goodbye to our friends at ‘Old Style’. It is always sad to know you have to leave one of your favorite watering/smoking holes. We made a purchase of 2 grams of White Widow and again began making the ‘Nuclear joint’ I had been previously marked for doing so. It seems they do more notice my rolling and finished product now. They do get a kick out of me, I can just tell. Lord only knows what they say when I depart. I am sure they mean it in good spirits, but I know it has to be funny as well. All the while thinking I didn’t have the courage to tell them what happened to the photo. I didn’t want them to know what happened to it.
After polishing off the huge hooter, 30 minutes later, we manage to roll up to Central Station to make one last look for the ‘Homeless Lady’. Call me a sap if you will, there is something to this particular lady. You can see something in her eyes that you just can’t explain. My tears run every time I encounter her and walk away. Not a single sign of her existence is at hand. We look around the station at all entrances and she is not to be. We can only hope the best, in that she got to go home...
It seemed many silent moments passed as we walked back over to the Singel. We always love sitting on those benches and looking up at the Angel on top of that building across the way. We relaxed her for a short while and then proceeded to the Siberie Coffeeshop. We love that place as well. It seems we always end up in here for the last two days smoke. Not to mention that we always manage to squeeze in an order for 2 hot chocolates with whipped cream and sprinkles. It is equally as hard to know we have to leave this place to. There were only three other people in the shop this early afternoon. It was relatively quite and that is all right with me. It usually is this same way every time we come in. We ordered up several more grams of the Siberian Tiger and rolled a small one for smoking at the moment. They still had the question marks up on the wall where the bathrooms are. We finished our hot chocolates and joint then proceeded to De Kuil to get some of their ‘Creeper Haze’ for a last joint at the Airport tomorrow. We decided to smoke another joint of De Kuil’s Shiva while we were there. It is always a pleasant experience to be in De Kuil when they have an open table. Fortunately, there was a table available along the wall to the left when you first come in. A cola and coffee and 2 grams of ‘Creeper Haze’, then a gram of Shiva for the current demand. We were already tore up, but raising the level was really crucial. Our last visit to De Kuil was indeed a pleasant one. The barkeep remembered me from the meeting, and even brought me over a complimentary hit from the vaporizer. I really didn’t need it, but I cleared the big balloon in two hits. I felt it rude to turn down such a nice gesture.
At this point, some fresh air was needed and a walk would be good also. A walk down to the Dam and checking out that big ole Ferris wheel one more time.
Now I have to tell you the last day in AMS is sometimes a bit of a blur. This last day was more of a blurr that any other trip before. The ‘something in the air’ is all too obvious. I feel the particular need to go way beyond any normal consumption on this day. It is one of those go by the Grey Area and smoke 3 more grams of Grey Mist Bud, sprinkled with 1 gram of Grey Mist Crystal sprinkled on it. So, that is what I did. LastOphelia watched in awe. This was a hard step over the line of normalcy. I needed this hard step.
We had eaten a snack earlier at some walk up deli, not really sure where. It was time for a good last meal. I kind of mean that ‘last’ part literally (Hint)
I found it all too easy to select 'Kantjil en de Tijger'. Oh yeah, the place we got the best meal of our lives. Upon entering we were seated immediately, it was not crowded yet. It was about 6:30 PM, and it starts to get loaded at about 7:30 or so, we been watching every evening when we would walk by. We were seated near the statue logo of the restaurant. It was a Tiger in poise over a small jackal, or small dog like animal. That little animal must be the Kantjil, in their namesake. I was going to ask but they had the Rijstafel at the table minutes after our order. We got the small one this time. It was still more food than we could eat. It had become a draw for the best meal we have ever eaten. The last meal we had here was no fluke; it was consistently the best and tastiest food I have ever eaten. We slowly ate until we were about to pop. We were stuffed but it is so hard to leave something that good tasting behind. We tried but we just could not finish that feast. It was an amazing meal just as the last had been. We smoked a few cigarettes to savor the meal’s effects and to hope we would be able to walk afterwards.
We left slowly rolling out of Kantjil en Tiger with huge smiles on our faces. It was an incredible meal that will never be forgotten. With these flavors on our tongues, we rolled past Dampkring to get some smoke for the last night at the hotel. LastOphelia bought four grams of Kali Mist, I think it was the Kali. It was a little crowded so we proceeded to walk a little more over the city. We eventually walked all the way to the hotel. It was a wonderful walk. I always dread this last evening. I just never want it to end...
We arrived at our room at 9:45 to pack the rest of the luggage. We packed a little this morning and we got a rather efficient packing plan. We even spray air freshener on or clothes as we pack. No, there are no souvenirs, we are careful to go through our pockets and camera bag and all. Coming back home can be a bitch if you even smell like the ghanja. We were coming through Detroit this time. I have heard it was a bummer anyway. I wasn’t for sure I had never been home through DTW before.
Well all was packed and we set our alarm for the morning wake up. Time to smoke up some Kali. We stayed up until we were able to smoke the entire 4-gram bag she got. Of course, shortly after that we black out into deep sleep. Today was the tops of consumption, with a total of weed and Kif of 14 grams. I guess that is why a lot of this day was a blurr. The weather was perfect as could be. Today’s high was 70 degrees and the nightly low was 52.

DEPARTURE DAY:
We awoke early to get in a few bowls of ghanja and wrap up the hooter for the airport. I rolled a gram and a half hooter of that creeper haze from De Kuil for the airport and we smoked up the other 3 grams we had in an hour and a half. We had to depart the hotel by 8:30 to catch our flight. Before leaving I had to toss the bong, carry pipe and weed wallet I had been carrying all the while. Sad parting ole friends, I said.
We were standing at the tram stop for more than 10 minutes when I just decided to stop the next oncoming cab. That turned out to be a god idea too. He was a friendly and chatty cabby. He gave us his card and told us that he ran a tour service. He told us he could show us parts of Holland we had never seen. He did tell us also; a lot of the cabbies do this, as a sideline.
It was a very enjoyable ride and it was ashamed it didn’t last longer. It was a good thing we arrived early; the place was the busiest I have seen it. We were in the wrong line so wound up getting our luggage scanned twice. After checking it, it was assured the joint of creeper haze was done for outside.
Out the doors and to a concrete hump we used for seats. We were smoking the nice joint when I noticed there was a lady just inside the window smoking a cigarette. She was an Airport Security Official. I could tell by her badge. Now it was obvious by her smile she realized this oversized stogie was not a tobacco cigarette. It was as if it didn’t really matter. It was a good feeling to not feel like an outlaw for the brand of smoke I choose. I seem to always leave AMS with a real good feeling...
Now this was a quick day and we had to leave half that hooter on the cement hump like seat we used. Today we only got to smoke about 4 grams of the good ghanja of AMS, and it was most enjoyable...
That makes it a trip total of about 110 grams of the best smokes we could get and several trips to the shroom factory. Now that was a trip indeed.

For those of you who wish to read only trip related material, it may be best to stop reading right about now...

SHATTERED: 2003.
I first must say this was the hardest thing I have ever had to write in my life. It took three and a half weeks to write this and I really hate writing what is to follow, but it is the sad truth. In an offset way it is somewhat connected to Amsterdam, as not to be far off topic. There is no way to include all the things discussed on a trip to Amsterdam. Nor can you feel all the little nooks and crannies that go on behind the scenes. That may be a good thing too. It was all I could do to write what I did and I feel I have to finish what I started... Someone once told me, ”Sometimes life is about how well you do the things you don’t want to do, when you know you should and how you hold in check the things you want to do, that you know you shouldn’t do.”
I have taken a total of five trips to Amsterdam in my life. Those were in 1981, 1995, 2001, 2002 and 2003. Now if you notice there is a huge gap in between two of those trips. That is a little suspicious don’t you think? I have to start this by asking a few Questions. As most of you are herbalists, have you had a rough time in life finding someone who can tolerate you? Has anyone ever made 2 prior bad choices on a life-mate? Even overcoming such two failures to finally find someone you love, tolerate and can tolerate you. Then upon becoming the best of friends and partners, you screw it all up with a marriage. I am not sure why some things are destined to fail; however, it could just be my own personal perils and me. I am finding in life, that if you really want something, you may find that a hard thing to come across. I will try to explain that here and now. I find AMS to be a most romantic place, where two people can blend together in a magical kind of way. Even without any of their treats to help you along the way. I find it a place where two people can define their relationship and discover so much about each other. I feel uncomfortable traveling to AMS alone for this very reason. I know everybody is different.
I did go alone in 1981, when I discovered that this place does not mean that much unless you can share it with someone else. That is not entirely true, just a deep personal philosophy of mine. To me, nothing is worth anything unless you have someone to share it with. Now we are getting to the gaps in travel... I didn’t have a life partner from 1981 to 1994 that I could take with me, so I did not go. In fact, I was jilted by my wife of 11 months in 1981, telling me she might want to date other people. That tore me up pretty bad. I really think I went into a month long comma. It tore a hole in me the size of Florida.
I quietly left the home and took a 29 day blowout in Amsterdam. Of course, it took several months to heal enough to get on the plane.
In 1995, I felt as though I might have a close personal friend, and returned to AMS with her. She was in awe of the wondrous beauty of AMS. However, it did define who we were. Obviously, after not to long we went our separate ways. I guess definition can leave you lonely sometimes. Now, I give my all in a relationship, and I am faithful and always look after my mate. It just seems few people can really tolerate me for very long. Few women I have know love the ghanja like I do and it has caused them to bear me ill will. I work hard every day and pay all my bills on time, so what is wrong with smoking the ghanja daily. Hardly anybody who has ever known me can tell the difference when I do anyhow.
Now this time I was positive I had a wonderful and accepting person in my life. I trusted her with more than my life. Through several years, we had built a nearly perfect relationship. Well, we have tiny little cracks that we were repairing on each other, and doing rather well I might add. Although, there were some differences, they seemed to be good differences. We decided to go to Amsterdam in 2001, to have a wonderful time and relax for a while. We did seem to have a wonderful time and enjoyed ourselves immensely. Even after being back home for only a few weeks, we were planning a second trip.
In the process of planning that second trip, we had decided to get married, so we began planning our wedding. Both events went off without a single problem. After the trip, we seemed to have more and more visible cracks though. My wife had already been laid off 3 months from her job at the time of our wedding, and this continued on for the rest of the marriage. I kept telling her it was okay. We had no major bills and I thought she needed the time to get her head together. Well, it seemed she was just driving herself crazy, day by day. In my efforts to try to make her feel better, and have some understanding of her feelings, I always managed to say the wrong thing. I am not sure what happened. I think something in both our pasts was preventing us from being ‘man and wife’. We had nervous tension ever since we married. Never before was such a problem. I can say this much for sure, if I had seen Weldon that following Sunday morning after the meeting, he might have wondered what was wrong with me. Eyes puffed up as if a brutal beating was dished out upon me. Such was not the case, as I am not a believer in that kind of relationship.
When someone tells you that the door for them loving you has closed for good, you go to pieces. If you are like me, you fall to pieces. You know my type, the impossible to find a compatible person to be with, kind of person that I am. I love her so much I may never recover from this tragedy. I poured the last piece of my heart into her.
However with all this said I should always, as OldHippyGuy said, expect the tragedy of the handle I bear. Striking the similarities that lie between the FirstHamlet and I. Differ some, but then again he was the first. Both my parents are dead and most of my family as well. My world has the same feel of crumbling as the original Hamlet. Although my Ophelia didn’t get pushed away then jump to her death, I feel the loss of her nonetheless. I will never be the same. I forced this trip report out, all the while weeping like a school kid, cause I felt I had to finish what I started. I felt like I owed it to all the wonderful Channelites who inspired me. I had promised a trip report to all before I even took the trip. I hate backing out on any promise, no matter the pain. It seemed my only purpose and I wanted it to be good as I could possibly make it. So, I could somehow repay the trip reporters I got to read in waiting my trips.
As if this dilemma was all said, it keeps on raining, so to speak.
Last August, we began planning yet another trip to AMS for June 25 until July 11 2003 (First Anniversary Trip). Leaves one to wonder; how I can continue with an anniversary trip, and I have no LastOphelia at my side. Yeah, that is a real cute picture.
The airline tickets ($1,910.00) are now almost paid for, and the room is reserved already. Hell I even have 2,200 Euro already converted. All this for a trip I most likely, will not even take. As I said in the beginning of this, I don’t feel like traveling to the magical kingdom alone. The airline tickets are non-refundable and it looks as though it will be a $1,910.00 win fall for USAIR.
As you can see my mind has slipped way beyond its normal areas of operation, so I wonder if any of you fine people could help me with some advice. What is a LastHamlet to do???
I mean I used to joke years ago saying I live each day for the very last. Not that I am thinking ill will to myself, but sometimes the last day might be worth waiting for. I have done a lot through the years to earn this ridiculous little handle of mine, and sometimes I wished it were not such a well-deserved one.

I bet nobody guessed that one...

Sorry, I didn’t mean to be a downer.
Surely, things have to go up from here.

Last edited by LastHamlet on Fri May 23, 12:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hang in there dude. I saw this coming from your first post. Time heals and no other can make you happy but yourself. Others can only add and subtract. I have only ever gone to Amsterdam alone and enjoyed it much every time. I made new friends as well. My ex-wife took all of the desire for relationships out of me (along with the house, car and $1,000 a month for five years, LOL). She did leave me with two great kids and a better understanding of myself. Here are some quotes from the Bard that might give you pause:

"This above all: to thine own self be true". - (Act I, Scene III).

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so". - (Act II, Scene II).

"What wound did ever heal but by degrees ?"
Othello, Act ii, Sc.3

"Have patience, and endure"
Much Ado, Act iv, Sc.1

"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none"
All's Well, Act i, Sc.2

"To thine own self be true; and it must follow, as the night the day, thou can'st not then be false to any man"
Hamlet, Act i, Sc.3

"To expostulate why day is day, night night, and time is time, were nothing but to waste night, day, and time"
Hamlet, Act ii, Sc.2

"How hard it is for women to keep counsel !"
Jul Caesar, Act ii, Sc.3 (I threw this one in for me)

LastHamlet wrote:As you can see my mind has slipped way beyond its normal areas of operation, so I wonder if any of you fine people could help me with some advice. What is a LastHamlet to do??? I mean I used to joke years ago saying I live each day for the very last.

AND LIVE EACH DAY TO THE FULLEST!!

LastHamlet wrote:Surely, things have to go up from here.

So get off ya ass and GO to Amsterdam:)) I think that would be an awesome opportunity, to visit mecca on a solo venture - hell that's pure paradise...

NOTHING would stop me from going,

but hey - to each their own man, I really feel heartbroken for you and it was a fucked up way for your trip to end like that. Alas, you are the LastHamlet!

Take care,

BlueBerry

oh and THANKS SO MUCH for the amazingly super report!!!!!!!!!!! much apprecited:))

I had a feeling....I wished I was wrong, but I wasn't. The trip report was excellent as usual, even more so all things considered. Keep in mind that things will get better and they will. Our hearts go out to you, LH.

As far as the tickets go, I'm sure that USAIR will issue you a travel credit, but I think they are only good for a year. If you paid with your credit card, you may have other options as well.

I felt something coming, but not this... I am very sorry for your hurt... I've been through a divorce, and I have no magical words of wisdom... only you can find your way... and you will... you've done it before. The only person on this earth you have control over is you... you just have to believe in yourself. Life is a journey... it's too short not to enjoy every moment you can.

Go find out what your options are for the airline tickets. At the least, you can get credits, change flights, get cheaper fares, and get multiple solo flights. I know you are feeling down, but don't add to the problem by throwing away hard earned money. If you go to Amsterdam alone, in additon to catching up with some fellow channelites, you can now open yourself to HOT FOREIGN WOMEN!!! Your pals at Old Style may have just the right girl for you!

And as the commander in "TOP GUN" call sign "Viper" said to "Maverick" at the graduation party, "Maverick, you'll get your rear when you get to the ship. And if you don't... give me a call. I'll fly with you."

My suggestion for you is to go on your planned trip - take a friend, if you can, as usually $100 will allow you to change the name on the ticket. If not, change the name to your name on it and try and exchange it for a future trip somewhere, and go it alone.

I recently completed a 9 night trip - I was to be going with a friend that backed out 3 days before we left. I knew it was a good possibility that I'd be going alone, and while I was intrigued because I do not mind being alone from time to time, I was scared shitless about going there for 9 days by myself. My stomach was in knots for days wondering whether I should go - my wife had just gone to London with a friend for 6 days and was only home for 3 days before I was leaving for 9 days. I wanted desperately to go, but was torn up over doing it alone.

My wife and I have been married for nearly 6 years now, and we've purposely stayed away from having kids, knowing we were not ready or sure about doing it. However, we're at the stage where having kids is something we'd like to do, and I knew that this was something that was a probability when I returned.

My wife dropped me off at the Indy airport for my flight to Chicago, and I told her that I had until that flight to AMS departed to decide for sure. I almost didn't even get on the flight to Chicago. When I was at O'Hare and got in line at the Singapore Air counter, I had about 20 minutes of waiting time to think about it. It was there that I realized that I had to do it. I did get on that flight.

I've done this twice, each time at potentially life-changing points in my life. The first was a month and a half trip in a VW bus with 1 friend and 2 relative strangers as I was graduating college. We covered half the US in that time. The trip prepared me for a professional life of which I did not previously expect to be ready. I realized that it would take my commitment and that it was not the end of the world, as it felt at the time. I still refer to it and reflect back on it almost daily.

I knew this solo trip would be similar - when I returned there was the prospect of kids, beginning a paid radio gig (when the previous gig was volunteer on community radio) and beginning a quest for certification in my chosen profession (the dreaded CPA). There is also the ongoing possibility of leaving my only professional life employer. I needed it.

The trip was a time of reflection, rededication, re-energization. I found no need to smoke 10 grams of weed a day, though I smoked my fair share. I searched out parts of the city I hadn't been to, I went on recommendations and blindly at times. I put myself in temptations' way. It was one of the best things I've ever done, and doing it alone, while scary at first, was probably a necessity this time around.

In short (too late), my advice - do it. There are Channelites over there and those coming and going regularly that I'm sure would be glad to join you. When they don't, use the time as reflection and discovery. I find Amsterdam to be magical and it's not just for couples. Perhaps it can be a cleansing and hopefully a re-energizing.

God, that is a real tragedy, as befits a Hamlet. I totally agree with you about Amsterdam being a romantic city, I couldn't imagine going without the wife (though obviously many due, hence the RLD.) But you sound like a traveller, not just someone who travels to places but travels through experiences and I think you will find you have as much to learn from this experience as any of your travels. Maybe your 'anniversary' trip can be an 'empowerment' trip and a start to a new adventure. I hate sounding like Dr. Phil and you of course should do whatever you want. Just letting you know there are plenty of us out there who feel for you, brother.

Sorry to hear about the bummer ending to that trip. I know it must hurt that much more that you found a soulmate that seemed to really enjoy your same interests and were able to share the trips with her. That would make it that much harder to deal with making the next trip without her.

I've gotten used to doing Amsterdam trips alone and actually enjoy getting away from people I know to meet new ones. My first trip to Amsterdam in '86 was originally supposed to be a 2-3 week bicycle trip through Ireland with my best friend. He had to back out and I decided to throw caution to the wind and turned it into an almost 4 month solo trip through Western Europe. After that trip, having to rely on my own wits and wisdom and winging it from day to day without reservations, I really got to like striking out for new adventures.

I still try to get friends to tag along with me on my trips to Amsterdam but no matter how often they say that they will "absolutely not miss my next trip" they always do manage to back out. My only local friend who has made it over there with me was actually going there to visit his girlfriend, who is living over there (through the end of this month anyway). My friend Becky, actually had tickets to go with me on Singapore Air's inaugural flight from Chicago to Amsterdam in August of 2001 but alas she called me the morning of the day we were supposed to leave to let me know she couldn't find her passport.

Now I just book my flight and give the dates to my friends who claim to want to make the trip. I even do the research to get them a good airfare and a free place to stay, but I don't hold my breath on them coming through. The trips are for me to enjoy. If someone else makes it along, great. If not, that's fine too. Noone to hold me back.

You people are tops of the world, all of you. I had no idea there would be so many words of wisdom in your replies. Every one of your kind posts had a load of insight that I really needed. I didn't mean to bum anybody out, I just needed a place to tell the story.
I really am a stranger in my own hometown. I have 2 friends here where I live that I hope would call me a friend in return. I, like Dedbud, have offered them many times to show them AMS, but alas they will not even get their passports. You all know things can lead you inward, a particular vice for one. It is not exactly like we are free people, so we be what we got to be.
All of you have no idea how much I needed your replies. I thank each and every one of you for saving some of my sanity. I cant remember a time when I knew so many people who took the time to help. I don't have any snappy come-backs as is fitting of my normal character. I poured a lot of what I had at the moment in getting you fine people that trip report. I owe you all more than you know...
I know it is impossible to make anybody love you, cause if you could I would. I love lastOphelia with all that remains in me. I love her enough to let her be free, when that is her wish. I can't do nothing about it, but I am just busted to pieces right now. Time will do something with this pain, I just ain't sure what. I have to sneak away to come unglued quite a lot, but it is getting a wee bit better as each day comes though. If it weren't for all of your thoughtful posts, I might not have the strength to carry on this evening. Thank all of you, things are already looking up.
If I can get my head together, I may have to call ya Banks.

i am sorry i did not respond lasthamlet, i read the report this morning and started typing a response but erased it. i too have had "bad experiances" and generaly speaking hate everybody and everything that reminds me of those bad experiances. i just felt i had nothing positive to add. time heals all wounds, i have had a open wound for almost 20 years now, i wish time would heal mine soon. i wish you all the best.....patrick

I just got done reading everything. Wow. What a sad story. It's too bad we didn't meet up. I might have missed you at DeKuil by a few hours. I checked into the room at 8 that night. I would have had a lot of empathy for you. A similar situation where I gave my all haunts me to this day and it's been two years. I got ( and get ) the same advice now as I did then and that is to move on, keep on living.

You have to do what you feel is right. Depending on what you do, going it alone can be a drag or an enchanted voyage. Either way, know that you have many friends here that feel for you.

Don't stop searching for that someone who is perfect for you.

On the other matter, your euros may turn out to be a good investment. They're already worth more than what you paid for if you got them in late April. It also looks like you paid close to full fare for your tickets. That might get you more leverage than someone who got super-duper saver tickets. Hotel reservations can always be canceled.

LastH...I am sitting here absolutely stunned..speechless..I just read your report and the last part just floored me..I cannot and will not presume to know what has happened or will happen with regard to LastO but do not give up hope just yet..or ewver for that matter..hope that things can get better and will get better is sometimes all we can have to keep us sane..If you ever need me my Brother just call and I'll be in my vehicle heading toward you within an hour..We are in the same state so please call me if you need me..I will email you privately about some vibes I picked up on when we were together but thats for later..My heart aches for you..I know how it feels, believe me..But for Gods sake Go on a trip there if you can..I always try to travel alone..I left my wife and 3 kids hre bcause its not that kind of trip..my wife is furious about it but I would have put it off forever if I did'nt just DO IT!!Just DO IT!! Alone is exactly what you need right now.to reflect and examine and pray..whatever..If this is to be, it is to be and you must lift your countenance and look up..not down..forward,not backward...You have such a good heart and generous spirit..you make peoples lives better when you are around them..a blessing to so many..spread that around..even while by yourself,and I predict that your situation will become wonderful soon!!!!thank you for having the grit to do the report even tho...I will talk to you soon, by Brother....

woowee..hamlet i feel for you man..i feel your pain..we all have at some stage..if not than we will..pain can be a medicine or a disease depending how you use it..let it make you strong..you are an amazing individual in my estimation and have alot going for you..you'll pull through this man just keep your head up..be good to yourself right now forget about everything else..im blazing some mexican haze in your honor right now..got the wailers on the speakers..hoping you feel the positive vibrations..bob sang in song once ..in this life in this life in this oh sweet life when one door is closed dont you know that another one is open?!...this is true man..just turn on the light and and look for the door..you can see it...its all going to go up from here man..just give all your worries to jah man he will take care of you..god never gives a man a load he cant carry..wisdom comes through much struggle sometimes and wisdom is better than silver and gold...so just try to smile man ..go out and have a walk ..talk to some trees ..look at the beautiful sky ..pet an animal..sit on the grass..smile..life is good .. as some dude once sang ..dont worry be happy..dont worry be happy.. :)
peace and love

as to your tragedy....yes, it sucks, but it is part of the human condition and as such pain unavoidably comes our way. our character is revealed by our response to the tough times. you have way too much going on for this to be more than a speed bump in the road; problem is when you're face down in the road next to the bump it looks like a mountain.

you'll pull out of this, and when you do, you'll be stronger than ever.

Awwww, LH...I'm so sorry to hear about the sad ending to your trip.
I admire you so much for taking all the time to forge ahead with the composition of your trip report in those circumstances. It must have been painful as hell to do so. You must be one strong dude to pull it off like you have. I don't really have any good advice to offer you...maybe we all must find our own best way to deal with a broken heart...but I think you WILL find a way. And I really hope that you find a positive, healing way to use those plane tickets and not let them go to waste.
Thanks for trying and enjoying the Nebula at the Channelite's Gathering(incidentally, I am of the female persuasion, not that it matters when it comes to Nebulizing :-)).
I wish you all the best, Last Hamlet, and hope you start feeling better soon.

I have been travelling a lot for work lately so I have not had a chance to check into the channels website. Sitting at a hotel and anticipating my trip to AMS May 29th I decided to read some trip reports. Starting from your first trip report and ending with your last I process every line and every response. As you can imagine I now sit here sadened. This may sound funny, but after reading your reports for almost 2 hours I feel somewhat connected to you. I feel like I have met you and I understand you from your writings. I have never been through the loss that you are currently experiencing so I cant really offer amazing words of wisdom or some sort of revelation. All can offer you are my prayers and support. It is nice to see that there are so many people on this board who are considerate and thoughtful and who have responded to you in this time of need. It really illustrates the reason I have appreciated this board and its members for so many years. Please continue to travel and post your insights here on the channels website. Your contributions are valued!!

Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you respond to it
- Charles Swindoll

I don't know how to thank all of you enough...
Your kind words and sentiments have carried to me, all to well.
If 90% is showing up BO, then so be it...
Thats right I am going to define this misery and realize I did very little to cause it, it is just the way the cookie crumbles. Basically, I am running out of tears, and I am tired of being sad.
All the things posted above have indeed saved me. God, you people don't know how much it is putting me back together. I feel as though the words that you have said to me, may build a better LastHamlet. Better, Stronger, Faster, not worth 6 Million, but we will see. (Are all of you sure this is a good Thing?)
This tragedy has for the moment done me in, but I feel myself comming back, rather quickly I might add. I love this woman with all my heart, but I will gently slice that part away. I will rise above the broken heart and caved in chest. I will walk above this, with hair down to my feet and timeless as a piece of stone. Looking just the way I did the day before the misery set in...
No, better than the day it started. hehehehe!!!!
It's comming back, can't you tell. You people have performed a major operation on me. I guess it goes to show when Trapper John needs an operation, it is best to have a room full of Hawkeyes. Congratulations Hawkeyes, it is working well. No false hopes here, I know I can make it. For now the pain is still around, but as the good book says "This to Shall Pass" I am a good man and I always treat people fairly. I have loved 1000%, and some woman of the same mind will come along some day. She will be looking for a real partner, and I am that man. High Chins Everybody, I am making it.
So, I am getting up off my ass, Blueberry (BTW, I needed that.)
I am going to go to AMS on the trip in June/July. I am going to stay exactly where I have reserved to stay, and I am going to enjoy the hell out of it. By myself, with a friend or what ever, mark it on the calendar and I will be there. This ain't the pain speaking, I am sincere,,,,,,,, I will show up, and with a smile on my face. I love Holland, and she has never hurt me, why shouldn't I go?
Cause 2 things are for sure, I will overcome this(Thanks to all you people's Help), and like Blueberry said, I am indeed the LastHamlet...

Again I have to say, you all have saved this lowly squire. I can't Thank You enough. I ain't sure I was worth it, but I will always try to be a good LastHamlet.
Loser, glad to meet you man, and I do feel the love, from all of you.
ND2, sorry to bring back the pain. I felt that, we shall over come.
OHG,I think I know the vibes you speak of.
Dam Patrick, a twenty year hole, how can these great Doctors help you. Sorry to hear that man.
Chins Up all, I feel a world better already.
Now, who is going to be in AMS June 25th untill July 11th? A smoke out is coming your way. We wouldn't want to upset Woody Allen, by not showing up.. Pray tell we upset Charles Swindoll, so bring it on. I ain't done yet, and there ain't no fork stuck in me... LOL
Dank U Wel, to all of you.

Great to hear LastHamlet! I am so proud of you for coming to the ultimate right decision. I am also so glad that all the wonderful members here have come together to help and comfort a dear friend which many here feel that you are, especially now after sharing such a personal life experience.

And what a better way to start anew? In wonderful Amsterdam, I can think of no other.... just hate I won't be there to share a nice spliff with ya!