Well, given that I pretty much live my life as a gaping wound an open book, it's taken me forever to think what I could say that she didn't know because I've made a career of exposing my most spastic moments owning my mistakes so that my readers can feel relatively superior like we are all much more alike than different.

But anyway, here goes:1. I can't knit under the influence. Seriously, I ended up ripping it all back out the next day when I realize I've made an error. I think this may be the first thing I've discovered that I can't do BETTER after a glass of wine.

2. I love to paint my house but hate oil-based paint. All of the wood trim in my house, including the doors, is painted in oil-based paint and every single bit of it needs to be repainted. Like, needs it in an embarrassingly obvious way.

3. My children are behind in their well-child check-ups, and also in their trips to the dentist.

4. I have an almost pathological fear of disappointing people and because of it, I disappoint people way more than I should. I promise more than I can deliver. I say yes way more than I should. I have OCD about so many things that finishing YOUR project just might not really happen.

I really, really, really HATE this about myself.

5. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish I had a different body. And I don't just mean thinner. I really, really want to be tall and gawky instead of short and merry. I want to have long bones and to be flat chested and athletic. I hate round. I'd like to be a taller version of Jane --one big, coordinated muscle with not an ounce of extra flesh--not one. I'd like to stand, poised for flight, and have you never even once doubt that I couldn't kick your ass at a foot race or arm wrestle. I'd like to inspire a tiny bit of fear.

It's not in the cards for me THIS lifetime.

6. It took me until I was almost 40 to discover that I am Smart. I think I knew it once, back when the other kids made fun of me for using such big words or when my teacher berated me for finishing an assignment so fast or whatever. But I guess I forgot. Meanwhile, most of the people around me have forgotten it, too. Ditto for how long it took me to realize that I'm a good writer. (Not great, yet, but pretty good. Maybe better than average, although the more I read of other people's blogs, the more I worry.)

7. If I didn't have such ties here, I don't think I would live in the United States. Don't get me wrong, I would die for the principles on which this country was founded. I believe with my whole heart and soul in the opportunity here and the largeness of spirit found in most Americans. Having said that, I hate that we have become the playground bullies of the world. I hate the disdain for the old and the sick and the poor in this country --it's like we think everyone should just... you know, be Young and Healthy and Affluent. If you're not, maybe you're not trying hard enough. I hate being on the side of the bully --I keep wanting to say, "we're not all like this here! No, really, most of us just want to live in some kind of peace with other cultures and go on about our business so we can save for our children's therapy."

The current American administration does not speak for me. The constant indictments and the ethics (or lack thereof) of those in power with regard to women's rights, the environment, the war on Iraq, the judicial system, treatment of the poor, and a thousand other things make me feel like a hypocrite --like I am reaping the benefits of living in this country under false pretenses. I mean, I get to live this great life and go to Half Price Books and all and yet I can't shake the idea that maybe I shouldn't be such a part of the system that keeps those less fortunate down. Oh. My. Gosh. I'm the Man, always trying to keep them down!

Seriously, though, I think I would move to New Zealand or Canada if I could, and gratefully pay half of my salary (well, um, if I MADE a real salary) so that there could be healthcare for everyone. Plus, I just really want to live somewhere where it's more peaceful and both of those places seem to have a better pace...

Comments

You ARE a good writer, more than good. Not just because you choose your words well and organize your thoughts, but because you do not fear to reveal yourself in your writing. And the self you expose is very human and comforting to this reader.

I spend too much time wishing I lived in a land whose behavior reflected its ideals, the values it claims for itself. I would like to be French or Canadian,and definitely thinner. So reading your blog is reading the words of one of my species, my blood type.