As soon as I started reading the book, I couldn’t put it down. I immediately realized it was about the same guy who was mentioned in Jasper’s notebook. So those were notes for his book. The writing style was brilliant, the details and emotions he covered with his descriptions were breathtaking. I could feel what the hero of the story felt; I rooted for him and wanted him to get better. But the more I read, the more familiar the story became.

In the beginning of the story, the hero was in a solid relationship with this girl. He loved her more than anything else in the whole wide world; his heart was beating only for her. They were happy but a while later the girl got more distant and although the hero noticed that; he thought everything was still alright and that she was only going through some personal problems. But then one night, the girl disappeared and he was left alone, without a goodbye, heartbroken.

I continued reading, more intrigued by every chapter. After the disappearance of the girl, the hero went to her family to get some answers. But he got none. He waited and waited for her to come back. But she didn’t show. He was worried something bad might have happened to her, and he looked for her, but couldn’t find her. He realized that she had left him and everyone else behind and even though he tried to resist it, he broke apart.

The next couple of chapters were the most difficult to read and reminded me of my own pain and suffering. The angel had fallen and he has fallen hard. He was broken, and all he could think of first was about his loss. He wasn’t the same person anymore; it was as if someone would have taken away his most prized possession. He became a shadow, living from one day to another without giving it a passing thought. Friends and family did their best, but no one really got through to him.

He stopped interacting with the outside world and just stayed inside for a while. He stopped playing his guitar, and started drinking instead. He couldn’t bear all the pitying faces and decided to get his own place. After he did that, he threw himself in work, breaking all connections with his friends and only interacting with his family when necessary. He tried so hard to forget her, but failed.

Tears were falling freely by now. I couldn’t help myself, but all his suffering and pain have taken its toll on me. This book would bring every reader to their knees.

The first part of the book ended here, and the second one started on an entirely different note. The hero broke all ties with his family and moved away, started doing drugs, became a hard alcoholic and started whoring around. He tried to pick himself up, but couldn’t. It was exhausting to read on and on about how he couldn’t live with himself and kept falling. In the end he couldn’t take the pain anymore and committed suicide.

The second part was probably just fiction, but it was the first part that worried me and kind of made me nervous. The beginning was so similar to our story, but it wasn’t how it happened. That wasn’t what I remembered. Things went completely different, yet some occurrences were completely the same. I got up and started pacing up and down the room. I couldn’t get the stupid book out of my head. What did he want to say with it? Was the first part autobiographical? But why did he put it this way, it wasn’t what happened. It wasn’t the truth.

Amber awoke, probably because of my pacing and I sat back down. I took a look at the clock and realized it has been hours since I started reading. I changed Amber and fed her again. She fussed, probably because she could feel my nervousness and edginess. I kissed her forehead and got up again and started pacing once more, this time with her in my hands. She soon fell asleep and I put her back into the crib.

I still couldn’t get the whole things out of my head. I went from edgy to angry. Why would he write that down? It could all be fiction and only his imagination, but my instinct told me a different story. I wanted to go in his room and slap him. How dare he twist the truth this way, he had no right. In his story the heroine was the villain, but it wasn’t so. He broke my freaking heart.

After checking up on Amber one more time, I decided to confront him. To hell with everything, I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. And tonight, I reached my boiling point. I picked up the book and exited my room. I hesitated a second, standing in front of his room, but then entered without knocking.

Jasper was lying on his bed, wearing only his pants. I resisted to get distracted by the sight of him and marched in angrily.

“Alice,” he looked up concerned. “Is something wrong?” He sat up.

I walked to his bed and threw his book into his lap. “What the hell, Jasper?” I hissed.

He looked at the book in his lap and said with a cold voice, “Where did you get this, Alice?”

“Doesn’t matter now. What is this, Jasper?” I insisted and kept my eyes locked with his.

“You weren’t suppose to read this, it is personal,” his voice changed from angry to sad.

“It is a published book, so just stop. You were just lucky I hadn’t read it earlier.” I accused him. But his answer only proved my theory, he did base this on his personal experience, he just modified it a bit.

“What do you want me to say,” he answered and got up from the bed.

“What I want to know is why you wrote this,” I wanted to hear it; I wanted to know why he would do such a thing. Maybe it was wrong of me, it was just a book, but it was personal and I felt betrayed.

“Well, I needed to do something to keep my occupied, so I started writing,” he explained.

“But why did you write this?” I persisted.

“I just wrote what I fell, it was easier this way. I didn’t want to deal with it for real, so I wrote instead. The pain felt like it belonged to another one, the hero, and I distanced myself from it. Why does it even matter?” he spat back.

“Why it matters? Because this is not what happened,” I lowered my voice, not wanting to wake up Amber, but still keeping the angry tone.

“Why do you want to hear? Would it be easier for you to think I didn’t care? Would it make it more acceptable to you if I didn’t suffer?” he stepped one step closer, like a tiger did when he spotted his prey. “Cause I did suffer, Alice. You left and you broke me.”

“What?” I interrupted him.

He kept coming closer and we were only inches apart. “If you didn’t want my anymore, you could have had the guts to admit it to me, to say it in my face and not run away like a coward, who didn’t know how to break things off with her boyfriend,” he hissed back.

Our noses almost touched, but when he was finished with his accusations, he turned away. It was like a slap in the face. But that didn’t hold me back.

“What the hell are you talking about,” I asked bewildered, my fingers itching to push him into his bedroom wall. “This is not what happened.”

“I don’t know how things looked from your end, but let me tell you how they looked from my end.” He said, his back turned to me.

“From where I was standing, we were in a loving relationship and one night you just took off and left. I noticed that something had been bothering you for a couple of weeks, but I thought it had to do with your memory. But I guess I was wrong.” He took a deep breath. “Imagine how I felt the day after the party, when I wanted to pick you up for dinner, but couldn’t find you anywhere. Imagine my fear that something terrible has happened to you. Imagine the panic I felt when I couldn’t get a hold of you – anywhere. Remember how it felt when they told me you were gone and wasn’t planning on coming back.” He snorted. “It was just peachy.”

I just stood there, trying to comprehend what he was saying. Before I could say anything, he continued.

“I am sorry if it seems to you like I was weak and a crybaby, but I don’t care. You hurt me, and even though most guys probably wouldn’t react the way I did, I am not afraid to admit it.” He kept looking me straight in the eyes.

“What are you talking about? I left because you cheated on me,” I said.

“What?” his head snapped up.

“Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I am talking about. I knew what you were doing behind my back.” I told him. And it felt good to finally tell him into his face.

“What?” he repeated.

“It is ok, I have accepted it by now. I know you were only with me, because you wanted to protect me and were a good friend. But I couldn’t stay around, it hurt too much and I had to go, so I decided to take off.” I explained.

“What are you talking about?” Jasper asked bewildered.

“About you and Maria,” I defended myself. Would I actually have to spell the whole thing out? It was not a pleasant memory.

“There was nothing going on between me and Maria. And why didn’t you say anything?” he asked, getting angrier by the second.

“I didn’t want to hear you say it in my face. It hurt too much, and even though you haven’t loved me, I loved you very much. So just stop with the pretense and admit it.” I said.

“You just read my book, and we have established by now that it is kind of autobiographical. Now why would I react that way to your leaving, if I had been sleeping with Maria behind your back?” he pointed out, once again stepping closer to me.

“I don’t know, that is why I came in here in the first place. Why did you write this?” I asked him. And I really wanted to know. We needed to get this thing behind us, so we could move on.

“Because I felt that way. Alice, I never cheated on you, for God’s sake.” He insisted.

“Oh, please, I saw you myself and I heard it from Maria, too.” Was he in denial or did he hit his head and forgot everything.

“You don’t know what you are talking about,” he said and started pacing up and down the room. “Would you care to explain what you got going on in that pretty head of yours?” he asked desperately.

Suddenly I got very nervous and didn’t know what to do. I decided to just tell him everything, but my heart almost gave up on me and made me go into a cardiac arrest. I could feel the blood rushing through my veins and the pressure adding up. But I had to do this, and I wanted to leave nothing out, so I started at the beginning.

Everything started about six weeks before I left, that was two weeks after my accident. Maria and I worked together, so I saw her every day. I was just working there to make and safe some money, until I decided what I really wanted to do with my life. Jasper often came over to the store, he was working just across the street and we often had lunch together.

The first week, Maria started snickering at me and throwing me pity glances. At first I wasn’t sure why and thought it was just because of the accident, so I let it be. We have never gotten along well. She was always were determined and when she found something she liked, she worked hard to get it. And she always got it; I have never seen her to back down.

Of course the snickering wasn’t the end of it, nope, it only got worse. The second week I started noticing her more around Jasper. Whenever he came over to pick me up for lunch, she would intercept him at the door and they would chat. I noticed her touching him and always smiling at him sweetly. And whenever her eyes met mine, she carefully averted them, but a teasing glint was apparent in them. Like she would be laughing at me. It started to annoy me, but I didn’t want to say anything to Jasper.

Then a couple of days later I overheard her talking to another employee, Nettie.

“He is amazing,” Maria said to her. “I have never felt something like this before.”

“Sounds like you are in love,” Nettie answered Maria.

“I think I am. He is just so handsome and his eyes, have you ever noticed his eyes, Nettie? They are piercing green and when he looks at me, it feels like he is looking into my soul.” Maria praised her new beau.

I didn’t know Maria had anyone in her life, and although I wanted to walk away, my feet just wouldn’t move. Something in the back of my mind told me to stay put.

“And he is so strong and when he wraps me in his arms, I feel protected and safe. He is so tall and lean, but so strong.” Maria continued.

“Tell me more,” Nettie said, “have you gone the whole way with him?”

They were like two teenagers, gossiping about high school boys. I giggled but the next statement wiped my smile off my face.

“No,” Maria sighed unhappily, “he has a girlfriend, but doesn’t want to break it off with her, because he thinks the timing in not suitable. He doesn’t want to hurt her, because she has just been in an accident,” she said mockingly. “I hate her.”

I was standing there frozen, not knowing what to do. She couldn’t possibly mean Jasper and me, could she? I remembered all the looks she kept throwing me and all the all so innocent chatting with Jasper, with a touch thrown in then and there. I felt like the room was closing in on me and suddenly I couldn’t breathe.

I took the rest of the day off, I couldn’t think straight. I went for a walk in the park and tried to think things over. Damn the stupid accident for not remembering the past couple of months in detail. I couldn’t be sure how Jasper reacted before my accident. Did he want to break up with me, but didn’t because he felt sorry for me? Was our relationship coming to an end? I cursed Maria and I cursed the accident. I couldn’t be sure. I thought about it and couldn’t decide what to do.

Finally, I just decided to keep my eyes and ears open and to pretend like nothing has happened. I would see how things turned out. Jasper picked me up from work. I returned back to the building I worked at and never mentioned I had taken the afternoon off.

I met him at the entrance and he hugged me, when he reached me. I prolonged the hug as much as I could; wondering is this would all end soon.

“Are you alright,” he asked me. “You seem upset.” He didn’t let go of my hand and I felt better.

“I am fine now,” I smiled at him. “Work just wasn’t so great,” I said to him.

“Well, then we have to make your day better, don’t we,” he grinned. “What do you think, dinner and a movie or ordering in and taking a bath?”

“Hmm, this is so hard to choose,” I chuckled. And answered sweetly, “I think we should go to the movies.”

He laughed, “Ordering in and a bath it is.” And he took me home and made me forget about all the worries I had.

We ordered in, Chinese, and it was delicious. I ended up eating my dinner in his lap and made a terrible mess of it. Which suited me just well, because afterwards he needed to take the promised bath with me. And lying there in the hot water with his arms around me was heavenly. Even though the bath started innocently, it ended on a completely different note, with more water on the bathroom floor than in the bath.

When I was drifting off to sleep in his embrace later that night, I chided myself about how stupid I could have been thinking Maria was talking about Jasper. I obviously overreacted, and if I had any doubts before, Jasper erased all of them.

But a couple of days later, the darkness returned. I overhear Maria talking to Nettie once again.

“Any news about you and your hottie?” Nettie asked.

“Oh yes. You won’t believe it but we finally made love last night. And it was amazing, Nettie, he was wonderful, gentle and so attentive,” Maria boasted happily. And to my annoyance the first thing I though of was that Jasper had been working late the previous night. I hated myself for it.

“That sounds great. But what about his girlfriend,” Nettie was curious.

“Oh, he is still with her.” Maria said annoyed. “I asked him to break it off, but he just can’t do it. He said I was supposed to give him more time that he was going to do it soon. But I am just tired of waiting, you know. I just want to tell her myself.”

“Do you know her?” Nettie asked surprised.

“Yes, I do. I see her on a daily basis.” Maria answered maliciously. “And I just want to step to her and tell her to back off and let him go.”

“Who is she?” Nettie asked.

“I don’t want to say,” Maria answered. “At least not yet.”

Suddenly I wasn’t so sure anymore that she wasn’t talking about Jasper. Because everything fit. Jasper has always been so protective of me and I could imagine he was only with me to protect me and take care of me. We were so different. And Maria was so beautiful, gifted with curves and taller than me. Basically, she fitted beside Jasper much better than I ever did. A tear slowly slid down my cheek. I was about to lose the most important person in my life.

But I didn’t give up. I tried my best to fight for Jasper; I showered him with my love, although I couldn’t do it every day. On some days, anger and sadness would overcome me and I wondered what he was still doing with me if he had her waiting.

I was sipping my coffee, looking out of the window, when I noticed Jasper walking down the street and Maria running behind him to catch up with him. They talked for a minute, before they started arguing. He held up a hand and wanted her to stop talking but she kept talking and finally he just turned and walked away. She yelled something after him, but he just waved it away.

That was the moment I was finally completely convinced she was talking about Jasper this whole time. My coffee cup slid out of my hand and broke on the floor. I just keep starring through the window; the brutal truth finally hitting me with full force. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I couldn’t hope anymore. And as much as I tried to tell myself, my mind was just imaging things when I was lying in his arms, this was what I needed to see to admit myself once and for all he was cheating on me.

Maria bust through the office door, walking straight to Nettie, but screaming loudly, so the whole office could hear her. I didn’t even try to turn around.

“The nerve he has,” she said to Nettie. “He promised he would broke it off, but still hasn’t done anything. How can he hold me in his arms and tell me he loves me and then go back to her and pretend,” Maria yelled.

“I am so sorry, hun,” Nettie said to her. I just kept starring out of the window, tears streaming down my cheeks.

“I promise you, if he doesn’t say anything this weekend, I am going to tell her to back off myself,” Maria exclaimed and walked away.

I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up. When I was finally satisfied with my looks and my breathing calmed down again, I decide to go back to my desk. But on the way I ran directly into Maria.

“Oh, it’s you,” she said annoyed. “Can you please watch where you are going?”

I didn’t bother to answer and just walked passed her.

“How is Jasper doing,” she asked with a very malicious tone, but I just ignored and kept walking. All I could hear was her laugh when I exited the hallway.

It was like I would be in a daze. I was walking around like a zombie and Jasper was concerned but let it go. Maybe he knew I figured out something and didn’t have the guts to confront me. I avoided him as much as possible, but we had to attend the party Angela and Ben, our former high school friends, were throwing. They just got engaged and that made it even harder to go there and smile.

We arrived together; Jasper kept throwing me worried glances, but didn’t say anything. I kept waiting for him to just break it off. And I had a feeling he would do it soon. When we arrived, we first went to greet Angela and Ben and congratulate them.

They deserved all the happiness they could get, but it was hard to watch them anyway. I left their side as soon as I could and went to get myself a drink. I saw Bella and Edward as well as Rose and Emmett but I didn’t feel like greeting anyone. Not at that moment.

After a while I needed to go to the bathroom, but when I entered the hallway, I saw Maria and Jasper whispering down the hall. Maria leaned in to kiss him, but he shrugged it off and walked away, but she followed him. Probably didn’t want to get caught before he broke it off with me. Breathing got harder every minute. I continued to the rest room and tried to calm myself down. I locked myself in a booth and contemplated what my best course of action was. I couldn’t think straight, but I didn’t want to stay there and be around them, seeing them happy. I couldn’t, it would kill me.

I didn’t know how long I have been sitting there, and I was lucky that no one came looking for me yet. I went back to the party and saw Maria exiting a room. Her hair looked disheveled and her dress was all messed up. Her face was flushed and when her gaze touched mine, she just blushed slightly and then smiled naughtily. She smirked and walked in the opposite direction, without seeing my world falling apart. I decided then and there I would be leaving the next day. I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to break it off, I have seen and heard enough, I didn’t want for him to tell it to me in my face.

I made an excuse and left the party early. Jasper wanted to take me home, but I insisted he stayed. He was in the middle of a game tournament and was doing well, so it wasn’t hard to convince him, especially with Emmett’s help, and so he stayed. I kissed him on the cheek and exited the room. I stopped at the door and looked back once more, seeing him there laughing about something with Emmett. I turned and walked out and left the same night.

I learned later from Lauren that Maria was living in Mexico now, so I assumed the relationship didn’t work out well.

I finished with my monologue, telling Jasper everything and leaving nothing out. I wanted to get over this only once. All the time I was speaking my back was turned to him and when I finished I turned around and looked at him for the first time.

The expression he had on his face nearly broke my heart. There was so much pain and so much confusion. I wanted to tell him, that it was alright, that I knew all along and that what happened happened. The past was the past, and I didn’t blame him anymore. But had it really never crossed his mind that I knew?

He slowly looked up at me and all he said was, “What?”

“I knew, Jasper, and I couldn’t confront you, so I left.” I wanted him to see that I didn’t want to abandon everyone, that all I wanted was to get away, because I couldn’t handle the pain of seeing him with anyone else.

“Oh, I heard you quite fine. But what the hell are you talking about?” he raised his voice and stood up. “What you are saying is complete bullshit, nothing of that ever happened.”

“What do you mean, nothing happened? Just admit it already and let me move on,” I pleaded. What was he saying; I was confused. That was not the reaction I anticipated. I though I would hear an admission and remorse. But no, he had to accuse me.

“I remember a lot about the occurrences you just described, in fact, I remember them as if they happened yesterday, but what you are saying was not what actually happened. You got it all wrong.” He started pacing. And I just stood there confused.

“Alice, Maria has always had a thing for me, I knew that. But that wasn’t love or a crush, what she had was an obsession. I don’t know why, but for a reason her obsession was fixed on me.” He explained.

What was he trying to say? I could feel a feeling of dread creeping up my spine.

“She started stalking me, calling me on my phone, sending me emails. She was thinking we were dating and I couldn’t get her off my back. I never once mentioned that to you, because you were distressed enough because of the accident and I didn’t want to bother you even more.” He turned to me and looked me straight in the eyes.

“But Alice, nothing happened. Nothing ever happened. What you saw at the party was another one of her attempts to seduce me and when you saw her coming out of that room, I surely wasn’t the once who was in there with her. I was with Emmett the whole time.” I looked into his green pools and saw he was telling the truth. There was no manipulation in them, no doubt, only firm resolution.

What? I couldn’t stand anymore, my legs were week and I sat down into the chair beside his bed. What was he saying?

“She was manipulating you the whole time, Alice. She was sick. After you have left, she became even more persistent, and wouldn’t leave me alone. I filed a complaint and wanted to get a restraining order. Then one night I got a call from her doctor and he told me Maria suffered from two things. First one was the she couldn’t feel any real emotions and so tried desperately to create them, in order to at least feel something. When she couldn’t find a way, her second condition helped her. She fixed an obsession and became stalkerish, she pretended to be in love, to be happy and force the emotions. That has happened once before and after she has ruined the life of that guy his girlfriend in Mexico, she fled and came to the US. I reported her again afterwards and the police helped her doctor, who then took her back to Mexico. She has been in a mental institution ever since.”

He waited for the truth to sink in, but I didn’t understand. It all seemed so real. I was convinced her was cheating on me. No.

“What bothers me though is not your story. From where I am standing you had every right to feel insecure. Maria was a very good actress, but what bothers me is that you didn’t say anything. You didn’t come to me, you didn’t ask me about it. Why?” Jasper asked. “I would have told you the truth immediately.”

“I believed her. I didn’t want to, but I did. I fought with myself for so long and then I just accepted it. I didn’t want to hear it from you, too. I just wanted to run away and leave you free to be with her.” I explained. And it was the truth; I didn’t want him to say it in my face. I didn’t want to hear that I wasn’t good enough, that he didn’t really love me.

“We have known each other for so long. Have I ever lied to you? You didn’t even consider me not being guilty.” Jasper said sadly and disappointed.

And I couldn’t answer. This was just too much.

“I would expect you to at least give me the benefit of the doubt. I though we were closer, I thought you trusted me. But I guess, you never have. You didn’t trust me enough to confront me, you rather ran.” He said broken.

I wanted to explain, I wanted to defend myself, but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say, how to make him better. I haven’t even grasped everything he said yet. And I did want him to explain, I didn’t want to believe her, but I was insecure and gave in.

He just kept looking at me for a while longer and then slowly turned and walked out of the room.