(Closed) Terrible New Year's Eve.. please read :(

I know that some women make a deadline for themselves, a deadline where they will walk if there is no proposal and their SO doesn’t know about it. Sometimes, they even ask their SO for a timeframe and if that date passes, they reavaluate and may even leave.

I set myself a deadline – but not because I want to walk (I think) but a deadline where I will stop thinking about a proposal if it doesn’t happen. Stop thinking about marriage, stop thinking about rings, stop talking about it – if he brings it up, change the subject.

I just really need to talk about what happened. My ‘deadline’ was New Years.

SO is a musician on the side – and he was playing a gig NYE, so, through midnight and finishing about 1am. He always mentioned that if he was to propose, he’d love to do it while gigging – bring me up on to the stage. Well, I guess I just had this HUGE hope in me that this would be it. What a fantastic opportunity and it was a great night. I dressed up and looked good, had a couple of friends with me to keep me company and was having a great time.

Then midnight rolled around, did a countdown and he came down off the stage, we kissed, wished each other Happy New Year and then the gig resumed.

I was fine. For a bit. But then it got time to go home, I went home and just bawled. We live together, so that obviously led to a huge conversation and I explained how I felt. I was just so disappointed – more than I thought I would have been because I tried to be pretty nonchalant about it. I’d be a terrible candidate for the shut it up pact hey.

I can’t explain his response well. He was surprised, a little defensive. I didn’t really get comforted much. He said that 2 years is not a lot of time before getting married (which is a big backtrack, see below), and I countered that with how I always wanted to keep it special and romantic… not just a logical next step after years together. He wants to have kids, and I said that you know that I want to be married first. And I don’t want to be married for no time at all before children… I just, want to be married for a little while. And so obviously these things take time.

The problem is, is that he’s the one that backtracks and changes the timeframe and plays with my emotions. That’s why I set a deadline where I would no longer torture myself over it. He was the one that said “we might be a couple that gets engaged before we move in together”, two months in to our relationship. Frequently says he wants to marry me. He dropped hints he would propose on my birthday, which came and passed. He even told me that he would like to get MARRIED on November 16 2013 (our anniversary) and well, obviously that never came to light.

So, he has all the power here and I am just done. I feel pretty numb now. I’ve had my cry, got it out of my system and I’m moving on. I’d be lying if I said I don’t often think about leaving, but that is followed shortly with how much I would miss him and how great our relationship is.

@Claire324: so sorry you are going through this, I think a lot of bees can relate to the frustrations of “waiting”. I’ve been with SO for 7.5 years and now as each holiday has come and gone…I’m a bit sad as well.

I think its good that you talked to him..even if it wasn’t the exact conversation you wanted to have. How long have you guys been together?

@Hyperventilate: Because then I fear I will lose my moment to get propsed to I guess. And I will possibly never get a ring, which I do realise probably comes across as selfish. Every girl dreams of this. In my family and social circle I would probably never live it down either… I have thought about it though.

I wouldn’t propose to him as PP suggested because if he says yes, you will always have it in the back of your mind that he would never propose on his own. I’m modern in many ways, but especially in a case like this, I would not propose to a guy. My husband and I mutually decided we were engaged.. no proposal per se, but I didn’t have to drag him kicking and screaming either.

I think you need to talk with him and get some answers. It’s not going to work to just bury your feelings. You’ll just become more and more resentful.. and if you do shut up about it completely, he’ll probably just go along with it thinking he’s off the hook.

There is no easy answer to what to do here, but I think the fact that he brings it up and even suggested dates (however misguided that was on his part since the dates came and went) is a good thing. It’s not like he refused to talk marriage – period. You’ve been together 2 years, right? That isn’t a huge time.

I would have another talk with him.. and really get to the bottom of what you both are feeling so there aren’t any more misunderstandings.

@Claire324: Um, I would not recommend proposing to him, but I’m so sorry to hear about what has happened! I felt a lot like he had the power too, but my man never backtracked / changed the timeline. We both agreed on a reasonable timeline and then he followed through and proposed earlier than I anticipated. I’m most worried about the fact that your guy changes the timeline back and forth and hasn’t followed through on promises. I also think moving in doesn’t make it any better. I don’t have any advice other than a big hug.

@oliviajuice: Two years and a month now. I understand it’s not long (especially how you’ve been together 7.5.. wow!) but the problem is I thought we both wanted to get married sooner rather than later. He talked about it all the time, said prominent things. He even set a date that he thought we should get married… and it basically just led me on. And now his thoughts have changed and I’m still the same. Everyone around us never waited either. Both our sets of parents were engaged way back when within a year. This is the best relationship we’ve both been in… and we both want a life together.. so why wait?

I’d have a heart to heart and ask him what he sees as being a reasonable timeline for marriage, children, etc. and talk to him about your expectations. Let him know that you’re not happy with it if you’re not.

@hrtchoco: Exactly right. That’s why I set my deadline… so that now I will just focus on myself and move forward. After this I probably won’t hang around on weddingbee much but I just really needed to talk about it and what happened

He just got my hopes up all the time you know? He would make my heart flutter and get excited and then I would just be let down. That’s why I set my deadline, so that if it didn’t happen then I refuse now to let it get to me. It’s not fair to play on your loved one’s emotions

I’m sorry you’re feeling bummed and confused 🙁 You’re not alone though! I too have just joined the boards for this very reason.

I’ve been with SO for almost 9 years (come Jan 20th). Granted we started dating when we were in high school, but still, 9 years is 9 years. We know we want to be together forever, have lived together for almost 3 years, have a dog, talk about marriage and kids, so what gives, right? Well I know for a fact that my guy needs a push when it comes to somethings…OK…pretty much everything. He’s extremely relaxed and go with the flow, and isn’t much of a planner. I finally after months and months of him hinting and telling me “it’s going to come soon” set a timeline. The timeline is quickly approaching…by our anniversary, which is now 19 days away. He hasn’t really been talking about it at all, which worries me some, but it has also allowed me not to feel the need to bring it up all the time! Which I know was both annoying to myself and especially to him.

I’m not quite sure what will happen if January 20th comes and goes without a proposal, because like you and your SO, our relationship is great…but just needs to be taken to the next level!

Sorry, I don’t think I was much help at all, but I wanted to let you know that your guy isn’t as abnormal as you nay think 🙂 Good luck!

I definitely understand your pain. I was with FI for 7 years before he proposed and HE told me he wanted to marry me and that it was just a matter of timing 2 years into our relationship. Granted, we were only 18 when we got together so I certainly don’t feel like I was actually “waiting” for the 5 years since then, but I definitely feel like I actively waited for atleast 2. We have always been so on the same page about things, and have always been able to talk about everything, so we kept setting very detailed time frames that sounded good, and he, like your SO would say things or throw out dates that REALLY made me think we would be married by a certain time… He said that he really wanted to be the one to propose, and that he also wanted to be finished with grad school/making more money/ect… So I kept trying to be ok with the timeframe changing because I wanted us both to feel really really comfortable and ready. We just recently got engaged, and it came after me sitting him down and telling him that all I wanted was him. I made very clear that I didn’t want a fancy wedding, I was fully ready to pay for my own ring (I must be honest and say a ring was important to me too), and emphasized how I didn’t know what else could change to make us more ready. (Both finished school, making decent money, have a nice little home, very happy in our lives and our relationship.) I never wanted to walk, but I told him I was truly scared that he might never be officially ready. He ordered the ring right after that converstation and proposed as soon as it arrived. So, while my proposal certainly wasn’t a total surprise (as I paid for most of my ring), the actual day of it definitely was and it was perfect anyway. I’d say sit him down and come to a strong understanding about your timeline together and see if you can uncover any reasons why he may want to wait that he maybe isn’t even totally aware of himself. Goodluck and I hope 2014 will bring you a proposal!