I’m sick of the rules… so I’m changing them. That’s right, you heard me… it’s past time for someone to stand up and say enough is enough. Who better than me, I’ve always hated rules.

1) Let’s start with a couple of media-related items. First, for all you idiots who refuse to watch anything that isn’t televised on ESPN, competitive eating is not a sport, it’s one of the seven deadly sins. In case you’ve misplaced your Bible, it’s called gluttony. I can only guess that ESPN airs it because it’s so damned exciting. There’s nothing that puts my senses on alert like watching a 110-pound Japanese freak shoving hot dogs down his pie hole. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh, wait, I forgot… they’ve already come up with that—it’s called Big Brother.

2) While I’m on the subject of television, if you insist upon making movies out of inane old TV shows, you need to start issuing remotes and multiple-choice screens at the Cineplex 5, so that I can surf, just like at home. A hint to all you movie moguls:The reason it’s on television in the first place is because it wasn’t good enough to make into a movie!

3) The next time I go online and get that pop-up for Classmates.com I’m going to hunt down whoever is responsible for it and torture him. There’s a perfectly good reason why we haven’t seen people for 25 years… we hated their guts in high school! Besides, if I want to know what the captain of the basketball team is doing, I’ll just look out my kitchen window and watch him mow my lawn.

4) Never eat anything served through a sliding glass window unless you’re a pigeon.Either that or quit bitching when someone serves you a human finger in your chili.What in the world do you expect for a dollar, Lobster Newburg? Consider yourself lucky it was only a finger; had it been an entire hand, Congress would have passed a law requiring you to pay for keeping it alive.

And a few notes to the ladies:

1) Kindly leave your eyebrows as they are. Keep in mind, we’ll ask ourselves only one question about them: Does she have two? Oh, the answer’s ‘yes’… okay, we’re done.

2) Flavored water does not exist, despite the fact that an entire aisle at the grocery store is devoted to it; water… without that ‘watery’ taste. I’m sorry, but it’s called soda pop, regardless of whether or not it’s carbonated or sweetened with sugar or Equal or Splenda or saccharin. Now, if you really want flavored water, I suggest Jack Daniels… three fingers and a splash—now, that’s flavored water!

3) Simply having a Chinese figure tattooed just above the crack of your ass doesn’t make you spiritual, it makes you gullible. For all you know, it could mean ‘Hell, yes, I’m easy’. Chances are good that the last time you did anything spiritual was when you prayed to God you weren’t really laying next to the snoring gas factory beside you in bed. You’re not spiritual—you’re just drunk.

4) Stop it with the gift registries! At one time you only ‘registered’ for weddings. These days it’s for babies, moving into that new trailer, finally coming home from rehab… all those special occasions that don’t already have their own gift-giving attachment. Picking out stuff from a catalogue and expecting your friends and family to buy it for you isn’t really gift giving, it’s whitey’s version of looting.

5) Ladies, if you’re within earshot of me and someone asks you how old your little chip-off-the-old-block is, please respond with “Oh, he’s two.” I don’t need to know that “He’ll be 25-and-a-half months next Tuesday”. He’s a kid, not a bottle of wine, and nobody really cares in the first place, it's a rhetorical question.

Well, that’s enough for now. You work on these for a while and I’ll go see if I can find some more ways to make the world a better place.