Damian’s Deconstructive Diatribe, 9/20/2006

Just so you all know, I’m now throwing up The Shocker all the time. All…the…time. It’s better than the peace sign, ’cause most people have no idea what I’m doing, and often they’ll return the gesture out of polite courtesy. And I laugh the laughter of the possessed. I’m evil that way. It’s even funnier when the intended target has no idea about it, but bystanders do. Ever see someone shoot hot coffee outta their nose?

Me neither.

But I’m tryin’, Ringo. I’m tryin’ real hard to be the shepherd.

Whoops, I just channeled Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction there for a minute.

Snakes on a plane.

By the way, I added a link on my sidebar, just below the Nonetheless logo. It’s a link for you people to go out and purchase some jen you wine Nonetheless gear, baby. Shirts, hats, baby tees, mugs – go for it.

On with the diatribe.

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(from Bizarre News)
MONROE, N.Y. – Officials at an upstate New York elementary school say a hand-out of male and female stick figures in sexual positions spelling the alphabet was a mistake. During an open house for parents of third-grade students last week at Pine Tree Elementary School in Monroe, north of New York City, a spelling curriculum was handed out with the acrobatic and suggestive figures. The school received several calls of concern from parents who read it when they got home, the Middletown (N.Y.) Times Herald-Record reported Tuesday. Parents were assured the students had not seen the curriculum, and letters were sent out explaining the teacher who used the font “did not do so intentionally or maliciously,” the report said.

Why, Mother? Why didn’t you let me transfer to THIS school when I was 8? I asked. Oh, I asked over and over again. “Mom, please let me move from Conway, SC to Monroe, NY so that I can go to that school that has the alphabet pictures where the letters are shaped like people doin’ it. I’ll clean my room.” She always said no. Hater. Now, I’m no prude. But even I would catch this pretty damn obvious error in judgement somewhere between the photocopier and the teacher’s lounge.
Check it out:Mistakes happen, naturally, and I’m not trying to pour a hot steaming cup of pure reality on anyone’s head – but who would even BRING these to an elementary school, or have them installed as a font on their PC that they USE for schoolwork? Well, Debra LaFave would. (Damn, she’s hot.) Oh yeah, so would Rachel Holt. (Damn, she’s troll-tastic.) And maybe Nicole Longwould get down like that. PerhapsJames Christopher Howard would, too. Pop quiz, folks: How many of you saw the man’s name there, clicked the link, read the story, and immediately judged him more harshly than you judged the female perpetrators?

Just sayin’.
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(from Bizarre News)
MESA, Az. – When Heather Michelle Kane saw a photo of another woman on her boyfriend’s MySpace.com web page, she was ready to kill. And I’m not kidding. Kane, 22, almost hired someone to kill the woman, but was arrested when the man she tried to hire was actually an undercover police detective. Kane met the undercover cop at a grocery store, where she gave him $400 and offered to fork over an extra $100 once the woman was killed. She gave the officer photographs of the woman from her boyfriend’s MySpace page, and also asked for a picture of the woman’s dead body. She was arrested and booked for investigation of conspiracy to commit murder.

Re-read that story. Notice how it never says he hooked up with the girl, or that the girl sent him inappropriate comments (or vice versa), or that anything at all happened, except that she was on his friend list. And for THAT, she wanted her whacked? Damn, it’s a good thing he didn’t bump into her on the street, and stopped to help her pick up her belongings. Girlfriend would’ve burned the chick’s whole neighborhood down. I’m on Myspace. I have about 400 people on my friend list, 95% of whom I’ve never met or spoken with. If you request me, I’ll add you, usually. I have no control over what picture people choose to display, so if there’s a chick on there with a big ol’ booty and a thong, I didn’t do it. Most likely this poor schmoe just had her on his list, chillin’, bothering no one, and his woman decided to take out a hit on the poor girl. And by the way, for $500, a “hit” is all she’d get – dude would’ve simply smacked the girl on the back of the head. You can’t kill anybody for just $500, man! That shit’s expensive! The fact that he accepted the deal for only $500 should’ve been a bright blinking neon sign that maybe, just maybe, this guy’s a cop. Oooo, $500. He can get that XBox 360 now, and maybe even 2 games! Idiot. You damn-near have to take out a small business loan to bump somebody off, and usually the loan officer gets clued in when you list your loan justification as “This bitch is on my man’s Myspace page, and she has got to GO!”
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(from Bizarre News)
VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. – A gas station ATM was reprogrammed to give out four times as much money as it should. Police are now on the lookout for the man behind the operation. The man was caught on tape swiping an ATM card and punching in a series of numbers that broke the machine’s security code. The ATM was reprogrammed to show only a $5 debit to his account, even though it disbursed $20 bills. Police are not sure of the identity of the man behind the theft since the card he used was prepaid and can be purchased at several locations. No one noticed (or said anything) until nine days later, when a customer told the clerk that the machine was giving out more money than it should.

I. Can’t. Stand. Goody. Two-shoes. Tattletelling. Muhfuckas. Like. This. “Oh my! It gave me too much money! Maybe the bank will get too light without it, and float into the sky like a hot air balloon! I’d better let somebody know!” ARRRGH! I tell you one thing – that would’ve been the brokest bank in town if I knew about it. Hey, I’m not stealing – the machine is giving. That’s comPLETELY different. It’s a gift. It knew that I have a birthday/Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Flag Day coming, and it wanted to surprise me. Who am I, people, who am I to deny this machine its desire for happiness? Yes, sweet ATM – I’ll take the burden of your 2o dollar bills off your electronic hands. I’ll carry them in my wallet for you, my precious. And whenever you need them, just call me. Oh yeah, my phone’s doesn’t work so good sometimes, so if you don’t get through, just…wait for me to call you, a’ight? It’s the network. All joking aside, it’s a pretty clever scheme if it took the bank 9 days to realize it, and even then they had to be told about it by a customer. I’m thinking there’s a branch manager out there without a branch to manage now.

—-BONUS DIATRIBE—-I couldn’t decide between this one and the one just before this, so I said to hell with it – post ’em both.

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(from Bizarre News)
CANTON, Ohio – Ester Strogen’s family is amazed that she has spent as much as $14,666.40 to lease two rotary-dial phones from AT&T since 1964. Strogen and her late husband paid $29.10 a month for more than 40 years to lease the phones. In the 1960s, when rotary dial phones were new and expensive, it was not uncommon for customers to choose leasing options instead of purchasing. Strogen’s granddaughter, Barb Gordon, fears there are others like her grandmother who do not realize they are paying thousands of dollars for an inexpensive technology. “I’m outraged,” Gordon said. “It made me so mad. It’s ridiculous. If my own grandmother was doing it, how many other people are?” Strogen’s family insisted she discontinue payments to AT&T, and the company demanded she return the phones.

This story bakes my balls. AT&T should be ASHAMED of themselves for this shit! Someone with 3 ounces of ethics should’ve told this woman that she was being reamed, but oh fucking no. They liked that $29.10 a month they were bilking from her, and they had no intention of ever suggesting that she maybe upgrade to a phone made after the year 1973. Jerks. Think of the money she could’ve had in savings or retirement. I bet even Snidely Whiplash would say: “That’s fucked up, yo.”

For some reason, what’s worse to me is their attitude once they got called on it. They demanded the return of the phones, as though they’re hot items and everyone from J.Lo to “hey, ho” would want one. You wanna know what they did with the phones, once they got ’em back? Circular file, baby. Trashed ’em. They did that purely out of spite. Or worse, they’ll put them in the Telephonic Museum or whatever, and make even MORE money off of them. On second thought, maybe I should feel bad for the phones themselves, slaving away for 40-odd years, listeing to fruit cake recipes and tales of eczema, only to be put on display in their twilight time. Poor phones.

EDIT: Did anyone else notice her name? Esther Strogen? E. Strogen? Estrogen? Is that a cruel joke? Or am I just being stupid again?

Here’s an update on those 3 guys who wanted sex with the dead chick. They’re only being charged with attempted misdemeanor theft because Wisconsin doesn’t have a law against having sex with a corpse. The judge threw out the charge of sexual assault because of this. Let’s hope that changes soon.

I wonder if they had the alphabet like that in my school, I would be a lot more edumacated?

I would sue the fuck outta at&t, Communists Bastards. It’s people like that for the reason the world is going to hell

And I would punch the tattletale guy in the face. Though they prolly thought their account was being charged that amount. At my bank the ATM is seperate from the branch, so if something is wrong we on the inside have no clue unless someone tells us. Even then we cant do anything about it, we call the company that is in charge. Word Bitches

love the shocker. I have recently been putting up the “full turkey” left and right. Not that it is as cool as a shocker but the shit is funny. One hand spread out like a turkey’s ass feathers and the other in a fist with the thumb sticking out to be the turkey head. HAHAH or maybe only i think its funny.