Wednesday, June 18, 2008

My Presidential Pardons

As we approach the end of the current presidential term, we will likely begin to hear of some late-term presidential pardons that will have all of us rolling our eyes and passing around I-told-you-so's. I thought I'd kick start the process, instead of being fashionably late. Plus, in case the Bushinator, the Dubya himself was secretly pining for my prowess in pardon recommendations - well, here they are, being the good 'Merican that I am:

-- I pardon Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt for continuing to breed, produce gorgeous spawn, adopt needy children, maintain a perfect marriage, save New Orleans, save the WORLD - all the while making the rest of us feel like shitpiles. If it weren't for those last 2 things, the whole world would be forced to despise you with the venom of a thousand jellyfish stings. Do jellyfish have venom? Details. I pardon thees.

-- I pardon my dog, Wylie, for pissing on both our living room and master bedroom carpets to such an extent during his first year here at the new casa, that we were forced to spend thousands to replace his perceived indoor yard with new floors this year. Because of this, we can never properly amortize the cost of this dog - he has now become priceless in both the worst and best ways. We're giving him a tour of the pound later this week.

-- I pardon my PMS, every frickin' month, for jacking my mood around to the point where I kinda want to rip my skin open and crawl out of the person I've suddenly become - I mean, who is the capital B with the fuming pores? And does she need a colonic irrigation or what is her problem? She barely deserves a pardon.

-- I pardon the Winter of My Discontent, for being 4 years long; sayonara old friend and may the past stay in the past. And if not, I must introduce you to my middle digit.

-- I pardon the planet Pluto, for making us think it was a planet all this time. And, for making all the Moms out there now have to explain to their kids what-the-deal-with-Pluto-is. Who has time for that?

-- I pardon George Bush for _____ and _____ and _____ and _____ and _____ ...

-- I pardon the sun for not shining on February 17th of this year. The excuse it had? Pick one.

-- I pardon Powerball for cheating me out of my inheritance, every Wednesday and Saturday.

-- I pardon the South of France for being halfway across the world from me. Now, that's just plain rude.

-- I pardon that cloud from the other day that wouldn't form into the cute shape that I thought would serve it best. I know! Could I BE any more generous here? Benevolence incarnate.

-- I pardon Tony for all those times that he was all "uh huh, uh huh, yeah, yeah" while not hearing a dang syllable coming out of my pie hole - because he has yet to fully understand all he agreed to during those knock-off, imitation conversations. Ann 12, Tony 0.

I feel cleansed, purified. I think I understand why the ruler of the free world digs the Pardonez Vous - it's just good clean fun. I pardon thee. I pardon thou. I'm all about forgiveness, but this pardon thing? It's like forgiveness with a redbull-vodka and a few drips of absinthe. Beat that with a stick.

27 comments:

I pardon men, for being the way they are. It's not their fault, it's their mother's fault.

I pardon men's mothers for raising such creatures. It's not their fault, it's the food...

See, it all comes down to food after all... I admire you Ann for forgiving that cloud! I still have a lot to learn before having such a grandness of spirit! Thanks for inspiring me, but until then... I'll just keep eating...

I'm at work, so not much time to comment. But this was such a great way to begin my day. I will be considering that which I might pardon as I proceed through my day. I don't know if I can pardon Brangelina for spawning though.

I go along with everything except your Pardon for GWB, the Boy King. I hate that man with the white heat of a thousand suns, and Pardon You will never escape my lips in his presence. BTW, 215 days left.

I pardon the last vestiges of muffin top that refuse to jump off like the rest of the flab. I pardon the kids for the stretch marks. I pardon my friend R for being so much better than everyone else and then falling flat on her face... and I hope she pardons me back for posting that... And pardone moi, my sweet little children for everytime that I use the word Jackass when referring to your father. Woopsy!

I pardon abercrombie and fitch for having those suggestive pictures the size of a house of half naked men giving me the, "You could totally be gay for me" look, and making me question everything I thought to be true.

Standing Still - I KNEW that GWB would just not play with you, just knew. :)

Grace - oops. Tell your coworkers it was prescribed by your doctor, the laughter thing. Works every time.

Kelsey - it was the full moon, girl. Everyone was a bitch yesterday - men, woman, dogs, worms - ALL.

Sugar - love those! Especially the Jackass.

Morton - LOVE your honesty, what a great pardon and then a self pardon. Never too late. Shit huh?

Diva - you clever little tart you. Just love it all. Here in the desert, where it's sunny ALL the time - I do treasure those England-y days...

Lisa - love these! How dare Italy, I mean really? Why? And, do you think Seattle is just going to go ahead and SKIP summer this year or what? GEEZE!

Jennifer - I don't know if it's clever, but it was fun. And, I hear you on the GWB, which is why I couldn't think of a darn thing to put in there...or...why they ran into infinity...the list would be too long. Go Obama! Woot!

I've never heard of a Presidential Pardon in my life, but am totally loving this :) hilarious stuff.

I'm far too mean and grudgy to pardon anyone. Wait - I do pardon my English lecturer who I am in total awe of and long to impress, for saying my essay was "disappointing" (before lighting a cigarette).

No pardons here... nope. I need all the pardoning, thanks. One person I really can't pardon: you for living so dang far away. Why, why, why? Who else would understand my overwhelming NEED to make fun of strangers with fairy godmother blue eyeshadow and stripper shoes or grown men who wear t-shirts with stupid things written on them like, "In case of fire, pull hose."