Alan Shearer: Seven ways to save England

England legend Alan Shearer tells Newsfox how the he would turn around the fortunes of England.

Fray Bentos

When El Tel led us gloriously to scrape past a poor Spain side thanks to a massively dodgy offside, the main thing we ate was Fray Bentos pies. Sometimes Pearcey would put the pie in a baguette for those who preferred the continental approach.

Then some fancy foreigners turn up with all these exotic ideas like eating pasta and avoiding kebabs at half-time. And where it has it got us apart from creating some of the greatest athletes football’s ever seen?

Too much pampering

I said to my missus it’s ridiculous when you see sportsmen wearing gloves and the like. That’s the last time we watch a documentary about climbing Mount Everest. If a player gets a broken leg they should have to go home on the Megabus. I bet you that’s what these Iceland players do. We need to learn from these foreign teams that keep beating us.

Pick players on form

Who the hell cares about experience? Would a team of pensioners win the Euros? They’re experienced after all. Well they wouldn’t have the pace and they’d probably all miss the game anyway waiting for a bus. This is the madness that’s destroying our football team and frankly our country. There was a lad doing amazing keep uppys outside me house but of course he didn’t get a call up because Roy Hodgson was probably learning Arabic or something.

Manager with EXPERIENCE

Imagine ignoring experience when you’re trying to win ,major football tournaments. Older people do things like waiting at bus stops which enables them to read more books or just think about stuff more. Younger people just go on Twitspeak and download phones. I mean we’re just ignoring experience to go for these young untried guys like Roy Hodgson and Fabio Capello. There’s this super experienced guy called Alan Shearer who has nothing whatsoever to do and would be absolutely fantastic for the role, if given 25 years to turn it around with an option of 25 more.

The attitude is all wrong

When we played for England, it was the only thing that mattered which is exactly why we were able to not win anything just like the so-called Golden Generation. Not winning stuff requires massive discipline. The players are all molly coddled these days, with their training balls and second pairs of shorts. Even if me maam had carked it, I’d have still been out for the San Marino game, and that’s not because there’s a really good strip bar run by John Terry’s mate. Although it is good.Tactics

Tactics which I’m a genius at by the way are over complicated now. What’s all this pro-zone rubbish, sounds like a weird sauna run by Arsene Wenger. The biggest tactic in the Iceland game should have been ‘don’t lose’. Just ‘don’t lose’. It’s simple but these players need to realise that they should not lose. ‘Don’t lose’..just say it over and over.

England manager must be English

You have got to have a proud Englishman managing England which is why I’d go for Arsene Wenger.

The Newsfox is a satirical website based in London. We employ a team of writers who aim to deliver riffs off the news as well as just all out weirdness. All content is satirical so lawyers...take the High Road please!