Thursday, March 8, 2007

Role Playing

Well, when I became a mom (and through the years of infertility leading up to being a mom) I had all of these thoughts in my head about what being a mom was all about. I knew that there were all of these "roles" that I would assume as part of the job description, and I looked forward to each as a growing experience for myself, Tom, and the Kids.

The Writer: Before the babies came I had this recurring vision of my future self sitting in a rocking chair holding them and singing while I watched the moon outside. I guess in my mind I was a poet, amazed by a perfect baby.

The Athlete: After Sarah was born I saw myself as a great athlete. I was chasing the kids through the house, neighborhood, and park ............... laughing all the way.

The Teacher: Often I play the roll of the Teacher. I'm not sure that I'm a great teacher, but for the next several years I will teach them about kindness, love, respect, photography, history, politics, and beauty. I hope to do it in a way that makes them better people and better members of society.

The Goof Ball: Anyone who has a toddler knows that hours of your day are spent singing songs that you never thought you would sing, louder then you knew you could. You dance in public when there is no music, and you make up words because it makes the kids laugh. So far, I think that this is my favorite role.

Well, I tell you all of this because in all my preparations, nothing prepared me for assuming the role I took on tonight. This evening, I became a prison guard.

In an effort to get to the TV first and choose the program after the girls got into their Pajamas, Sarah pushed Leah down the stairs. I could tell by the look on her face that she felt horrible, and worse she could see by the look on Leah's that her sister felt horribly betrayed. So, Sarah spent the night in her room, crying, and I have spent the better part of the evening outside of her bedroom door, trying not to cry. The worst part of this is not putting Sarah in her room, she has been there several times for a variety of offenses. The trouble with tonight is that she is so horribly sorry for doing what she did that I want to let her out and do something to make her feel better. Instead, I am stuck playing guard to a door that wont open, because the little girl on the other side is too ashamed to show her face. Worse, she is afraid to face her sister who for the first time didn't want her around.

I know that she needs to be taught a lesson and this is part of growing up, I just wish that I could spare her the painful lessons that she will have to endure in the process. I dont want to play "cop", I want to play "mommy". Or are they one in the same?