Donald Trump: Yes, everyone is marching in the street, they’re so upset about how bad ‘The Apprentice’ has gotten. But I’m feeling great. Tomorrow, I’m having lunch with very important up and comer. His name is Frederick Douglas. I’m trying to get hold of him right now. He’s very busy though.

Angela Merkel: Um-hmm. Well, that’s very cool, Donald. I think I should– I have to go.

Donald Trump: Also, I want to be serious for just a moment. Last week, it was holocaust remembrance day. As you know, 6 million were at my inauguration. I mean, there were so many people at my inauguration, the media refuses to cover it, so unfair. One day I’m going to write a memoir about this struggle and call it ‘My Struggle.’ What would that be in German? Angela?

David: Alright, look. Can we just say what we really mean for a second?

Morgan: Now you wanna talk? What happened to all that dancing you promised though?

Karen: This is just a big misunderstanding.

Morgan: If you don’t want to try on me man, then just be a man and say it. You don’t wanna take me bro? You don’t wanna put a rose in my mouth?

David: No! No, I don’t wanna do any of those things. Look, you don’t– I don’t even know how to tango.

Morgan: You wanna learn?

David: No.

Morgan: Why? You scared?

David: What? No!

Morgan: [yelling] Then put your hands on my waist!

David: I thought you wanted to fight.

Morgan: In these shoes?

David: Forget I said anything. Karen, let’s get our of here.

[Karen and David walk away]

Morgan: Oh, I see what’s going on here now. You see the baggy clothes, the hooded sweatshirt, and all you think is I’m some type of thug.

Karen: We didn’t mean that.

Morgan: You sound just like my pops. All I ever wanted to do was dance, lady! I come in by every night. I lean on this jukebox every night hoping that someday someone wants to share the magical rhythm with me. Not with these. [showing his fists] But with these. [showing his ballet dancing shoes]

Sasheer: It’s been a long lonely winter and you’re dying to connect with someone new. Well, we know the perfect woman ready to take you call. she can’t wait to talk. So this Easter, why not try calling?

[Cut to Grandmother]

Your grandmother. Your grandmother is standing by ready to talk all day long.

[Cut to another grandmother] Because she woke up at four:thirty to go to the pharmacy, and she is totally free. For you. [phone ringing] [Grandma picks up the phone] [Cut to split screen of Grandma and David]

Grandma: Hello?

David: Hi, grandma.

Grandma: Oh, David, hi. David, did you get the birthday package I sent you?

David: Um, no I did not.

Grandma: Oh, shoot. I sent it to fortysix Aderson Drive, East Rutherford, New Jersey.

[Starts with clips of recording studio] [Cut to Sarah Kinik getting near the mic]

Sarah Kinik narrating: I want you to think about things you can’t see. Rotation of the planets. Electricity. Gravity. Because we only see the results and not the process, should we come to the conclusion that it doesn’t exist? I’m Sarah Kinik. On December 25th 1999, a small boy awoken ball to our Maryland. [Cut to and old video of a boy opening his Christmas gifts] He went down to his living room and found a NERF End Strike Mega Magnus Blaster. It’s mouthful, I know, that’s the toy you want it. Toy had no tag, no receipt. As if it appeared out of thin air. The boy maintained the toy had been brought by magic by a mysterious man named Chris. But I had to ask myself, could Christ really had done this? And if so, how?

[Cut to SERIAL: One Story Told Week by Week video bumper.] [Cut to Jennifer speaking like in documentaries.]

Jennifer: Toys just appear at our house. Not just this year. Every year.

Interviewer: And you’re not buying them?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: That’s Jennifer, the boy’s mother.

[Cut to video of Sarah Kinik visiting Jennifer’s house.]

She’s actually the one who contacted me about this story. She sides with her son saying that she wasn’t responsible for the gift. Like, Chris did it. That he snuck into her house in the middle of the night and just left things. She said she even has proof.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and Jennifer in front of the chimney]

Jennifer: I left the cookies. And when I woke up, they were gone.

Sarah Kinik: And nobody followed up with you on this?

Jennifer: No.

Sarah Kinik narrating: For the past year, I’ve been talking to Chris. [Cut to Chris making toys] A thousand year old toy maker who lives up north. It should be noted that Chris is part of the population who identify themselves as Elves. Their minority in the United States often looked shifty, secretive. But I’ll get to that later. Chris says that he not only left the toy for the boy in Baltimore, but he leaves millions of toys for kids around the world. And he does it one night. I know, shocking, right?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] You know, it’s like, you said you hit every house. I mean, you understand that’s hard for people to swallow, you know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] Look, I don’t know how it works, you know? You’re either going to believe in me or not, but I know it’s real. Okay?

Sarah Kinik narrating: Christ would get like this sometimes about the more unbelievable parts of the story. But I guess he was right. How do you explain these things?

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] It’s just, you said you hit every town. Like, you understand, that’s hard for people to swallow, right? You know what I mean?

Chris: [replying on the phone] And I understand that. I get that, you know. But for me, when it comes down to, is like, Christmas magic. You know what I mean? I don’t know what else to say. I just don’t know what to say, you know?

Sarah Kinik narrating: I had to follow up on this. It just seemed so outlandish. [Cut to Sarah Kinik meeting David] So, I called my friend David who has been delivering packages for 12 years. The same kind of packages Chris would have been delivering.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik and David]

Sarah Kinik: What would the timeline be for someone to deliver a series of presents throughout the world. Is that even possible?

[Cut to David]

David: Nah! I don’t think so.

Sarah Kinik narrating: I should mention that David works for UPS, which would be in direct competition with Chris.

David: No, I’ve never seen anything like that.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

David: If he says he can do it, he is lying.

Sarah Kinik: Okay.

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, we attempted it.

[Cut to Dana and Sarah Kinik building a sleigh out of card boards.]

My producer Dana and I built a sleigh. We couldn’t get reindeer so we got a small horse. Needless to say it went badly. Horse wouldn’t even fly.

[Cut to Sarah Kinik speaking on the phone]

Sarah Kinik: [on the phone] We tried this. We didn’t even get close, you know?

Chris: But you didn’t have my reindeer! You know what I’m saying? Like, magic reindeer only know where I’m at. Yo, regular people can’t just make a reindeer fly. You know what I’m saying?

Sarah Kinik: Yeah.

Sarah Kinik narrating: This is my biggest problem with Chris’s story. I understand hitting one town overnight. Maybe two. But every town in the world just didn’t seem right. That brings us to Jingle. [Cut to Jingle] Jingle’s an elf who claims he was with Chris on December 25th, 1999. He says they drove around, got high, hung out. That’s it. No presents, no flying. Jingle was the prosecution star witness in a trial against Chris on 24th street a few years ago. Here’s a recording of defense attorney Adina Hernandez cross examining Jingle back then.

Adina Hernandez: Now, Jingle. Did you tell the other elves on March 14th that Chris was magic?

Jingle: No, Ma’am, I did not.

Adina Hernandez: You never? Not once?

Jingle: No, Ma’am.

Adina Hernandez: Whaaaaaat?

Sarah Kinik narrating: So, if Jingle didn’t see Chris leave the present, did anyone? Maybe there are people out there who claim they’ve seen Chris leave lots of presents. Maybe they’ve written in letters. Maybe they’ve sat on his lap. And then there’s the Nisha call. Next time on SERIAL.

Glen: Okay, if I can just get everybody’s attention. I know things got a little wild at last night’s holiday party. But I just want to be clear, this is still an office. And we have zero tolerance for any workplace harassment.

[Cut to the employees applausing] [Cut to Glen]

Glen: All right, that being said, unfortunately, we have to fire our vice president of sales, Linda Pillard.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Thank god.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: And also our front desk guy, Charlie.

[Cut to the employees]

Everybody: Awe.

Janet: Not Charlie.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: And if it’s okay, they’d both like to come up here and formally apologize. Come on out here, guys.

[Linda Pillard and Charlie comes out]

Linda Pillard: Hey, guys. I guess I had little too much to drink last night at the party and acted like and idiot.

[Cut to the employees]

Mikey: Oh, you think?

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: To Janet specially. I think I may have mentioned some of your past inter office relationships in front of everybody. And that wasn’t cool. And I’m sorry.

[Cut to Janet]

Janet: It was more than uncool. It was humiliating, Linda.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: And just to piggyback on that, Janet, last night after a little wine, I think I said something to you like, “Mm, mm, mm, girl, when you going to break old Charlie off a piece of that too?” And then I shook my head, did a little dance, and said, “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.”

[Cut to the employees]

Janet: Oh, Charlie, you’re so silly.

Amanda: Charlie, you crack me up.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: Right. And Amanda, I guess I upset you when I made a comment about your dress being a little short for a work event. And I’m sorry.

Charlie: Amanda! I saw that dress too. And after a few of them vodkas. I think I might have said something to you like, “Mm, mm, mm, girl, that dress so short, all I see is donkey monkey.” Then I did a little dance. “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.” Out of line. I stand accused.

[Cut to the employees]

Amanda: Okay, Charlie, don’t start nothing you finish.

David: Come on, Glen. You can’t fire Charlie. He’s Charlie.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: I’m not happy about this either, David. But this is above my pay grade.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: Whatever. Anyway, David, I vaguely remember this, but apparently I was being really obnoxious when I kept asking where you were really from.

[Cut to the employees]

David: Yep, and I kept telling you. Boston, you racist.

[the employees clap] [Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: To my man, Kung Fu.

David: Hey, Charlie. Lookie here, man, you know I had a couple of them bourbons last night and I maybe said something to you like, “Mm, man, if I was a gay man, your booty would be in trouble.” But I’m not so your booty all right. And then I did a little dance. I took a bow. And said “Don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.”

[Cut to the employees]

David: Charlie, I really needed that. Thank you.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Charlie: Nothing but love, Kung Fu.

Linda Pillard: Wait a minute. How is that not awful?

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: Glen, you can’t fire Charlie. It’s almost Christmas.

[Cut to Glen]

Glen: Trust me, did I everthing in my power to just fire Linda today.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: What?

Charlie: Oh, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny. don’t you worry about me, baby. Maybe I can become the Grinch and bring it to your house. But instead of stealing all your presents, I’ll be stealing that ass. And it won’t just be my heart growing three sizes. Um, um. Girl, don’t you hurt nobody with that thing.

[Cut to the employees]

Jenny: I really appreciate that, Charlie.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: What the hell? It feels like you guys are going way easier on him than on me.

[Cut to the employees]

Mikey: Oh, my god! Get over yourself. It’s Charlie.

Amanda: Yeah. He’s just a sweet old man that had a little too much to drink.

Janet: We all did. It was a partly.

[Cut to Linda Pillard and Charlie]

Linda Pillard: But he’s still drinking right now.

Charlie: What this? Oh, this just a swallow to get me straight.

Linda Pillard: This is completely unfair.

Charlie: Girl, you are too fine to be so stank. Why don’t you slip on old Charlie like a pair of jeans?

Denny Glans: Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome to Can I Play That. Where I describe a role in an upcoming movie and our contestants, [Cut to the contestants] David, Jackie and Lauren, all working actors will have decide, [Cut to Denny Glans] “Can I play that?” For example, it was just announced that Will Smith will play the father of the William’s sisters. But can he play that? [Cut to Contestants. Lawrence hits the button.]

Lawrence?

[Cut to Lawrence]

Lawrence: Yes, of course, he’ll do a great job. [Wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: That is correct. [Cut to a picture of Rami Malek] Somehow Rami Malek can play anybody. [Cut to Denny Glans] All right, let’s move on to our lightning round. You’ll each have 10 seconds to name as many roles as possible that you can play. David, let’s start with you. 10 seconds on the board. What can you play?

Denny Glans: Oh, I’m sorry, that’s John Oliver. I guess he’s a hold over from when it was a British colony. All right, let’s take a quick break. We’ll return with our final round, Can You Play James Bond?

[Cut to David]

David: Hey, I know the answer to that one.

[Cut to Denny Glans]

Denny Glans: Do you, though? We’ll find out after the break on ‘Can I Play That’?