Photograph of ex and kids sparks response

December 19, 2006

Many of you might remember the poll we took a few weeks ago. The original question came from a second wife who did not live with her husband because he worked in another country. Upon visiting him for the summer, she found a picture on the mantel of his ex-wife and kids but no picture of her. She was upset, and when she asked her husband to remove the picture, he refused. We asked our readers if the husband's displaying a picture of his former family and no picture of his current wife was a psychological indicator of his preference for the past or a matter of convenience. A third of the respondents (of these, 88 percent were women) felt it was a psychological indicator. And most men who said it was a psychological indicator responded along with their wives or significant others: "My husband (or wife) and I believe ... ." This poll was for entertainment purposes only. It did spark interesting replies -- some of which were from those who were obviously angry about a similar situation. Now for our suggestion to this newlywed: The picture of your ex with the kids is probably the only picture your husband has of his kids -- especially if he lives out of the country and hasn't seen his children for a while. He would probably welcome a new picture, complete with frame, that he could display on his mantel. The traditional first-year wedding gift is paper -- so, next time the kids visit, snap some pictures, frame them, and present them to your spouse. If you don't see the kids that often, you might enlist the help of his ex for some up-to-date photos. Or have some professional pictures taken as a gift for the next holiday. Give your husband two pictures -- one of his kids and one of you. If, after you have presented him with these gifts, he still refuses to take down the old picture, then you do have a problem. On a completely different note, we have one more suggestion for you: Live with your husband. Jann Blackstone-Ford and her husband's ex-wife, Sharyl Jupe, are authors of "Ex-Etiquette for Parents" and founders of Bonus Families.EX-ETIQUETTE JANN BLACKSTONE-FORD AND SHARYL JUPE