My ex boyfriend and I were together for 8 and a half years before we got engaged. We were living in a foreign country at the time and he lost his visa and had to return home. Soon after he left I found out I was pregnant and it was such a joy. But whilst I stayed abroad, I began to notice changes in our conversations. I thought he was frustrated that he couldn't be there for me at the time. I went through the pregnancy on my own with two very close girlfriends by my side. To cut a long story short, my daughter's father miraculously returned just a day after her birth. We were still on great terms. He always promised that everything would workout. About a month later, I learned that he also fathered a child with his so-called friend and she and I were in the same city. I left him and returned home. He married the other woman. Fast-forward five years later: He]’s now divorced and asking me to get married and relocate with my daughter. I worked hard to keep our relationship cordial, and I would be lying if I said I didn't want to give our family a chance, and most of all, give our daughter a family with both her parents in it. However, there are other people now involved and a big part of his life. How do I make a choice for my daughter and I?

Best,

Anonymous

Dear Sis,

It is much easier to live our lives through the lens of how we want to see things than the reality of how they really are. You must stop and clean your lens right now, and look clearly at your situation. You have come way too far to develop long term memory loss and fall back into the same old trap with your ex.

Please don't forget that this is the same man that supposedly lost his visa, left you in a foreign country while pregnant, and then returned after your child's birth, only for you to find out he had another child with another woman. Then he married her, not you. Now that his marriage has ended, he has come back to you five years later to make amends? And he wants you to marry him too? Really, sis?

The fact that you are seriously considering marrying him says a lot about how you feel about yourself. Despite the fact that he has clearly disrespected you repeatedly, you still care enough about him to consider marriage. If you really think that tying the knot this time is going to "give your family a chance,” you may be royally disappointed. If he did not view and treat you as a family after being together for eight years and having a child, what makes you think he is going to do that now?

Considering marrying him is not about your child; it’s about you. You are right about one thing: He now has other people involved in his life and they matter too. This is not just about the two of you now, but it also involves your child, his other child and the other child's mother. Would being with him again really be worth dealing with all the past and current issues you will have? Remember, you must clean your lens and see things for how they really are as opposed to how you want them to be. Do not underestimate your strengths in your desire to be with a man. From what you have shared, you are thinking about settling for less than the best. The choice is yours, but you and your child only deserve the best. Good luck! – Dr. Sherry

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