]]>I sat deep in thought at the nurse’s station as monitors beeped softly from the darkened rooms of the four-bed intensive care unit.

“Your patients are all stable,” my head nurse had said earlier when she made assignments. “It should be an uneventful night.”

Since taking report from Connie, the evening nurse, I felt a growing suspicion I would disagree with my supervisor.

Complications

“Williams in 431 is still on the ventilator,” Connie said. “She’s not doing any better, and the doctors have decided she doesn’t have a chance while the baby is putting such a strain on her body. They talked to her husband this afternoon, and he signed a release to abort the baby. We started a Pitocin drip at 5:00. Her contractions have been weak and irregular so far.”

Linda Williams was just 25 and desperately wanted to be a mother. A severe asthmatic, she became pregnant against her doctor’s advice. Initially, she fared well, but as the baby grew, her body rebelled against the additional burden.

At five months’ gestation, Linda suffered an unremitting asthma attack. Brought into the emergency room wheezing and gasping for air, her skin a grayish-blue, Linda was frightened — for herself and her baby. When medications failed to bring the attack under control, doctors had no choice but to put her on a ventilator and admit her to intensive care.

Physical fight

In order to keep Linda from fighting the ventilator, her pulmonary doctor ordered round-the-clock sedatives and doses of Pavulon, a curare-like drug used to completely paralyze her muscles. Chest x-rays were done several times a day, and Linda’s body was bombarded with powerful drugs to halt the attack.

Her condition remained unchanged. No one talked about the effect the radiation and medications might have on Linda’s unborn child.

Fetal Doppler

“I called labor and delivery and asked if someone could bring up a Doppler to check on the baby’s status,” Connie whispered conspiratorially during report. “I’d just like to know. . . .”

The word Doppler took me back to my rotation in labor and delivery during nursing school, where I was assigned to follow an expectant mother through pregnancy and childbirth. I knew I would never forget the look of wonder on Mrs. Kent’s face when the doctor used a fetal Doppler to locate and amplify her baby’s heartbeat. The sound offered her concrete evidence that her baby was alive and well.

Developing life

After report, I walked into Room 431 and watched my patient’s chest rise and fall rhythmically at the insistence of the ventilator. I glanced at the IV that steadily infused Pitocin into her vein to induce labor.

As I stood there, I pictured the fetus implanted inside Linda’s uterus. At this stage it would be about ten inches long with distinct fingers and toes already growing tissue-paper-thin fingernails and toenails. Its sex would be apparent, and its face would be taking on characteristics different from anyone else in the world. I wondered if Linda had felt its fluttering movements that typically begin during the fifth month.

I shook myself. What was I doing? The Supreme Court had just ruled on Roe v. Wade five years earlier, and I considered myself pro-choice. I can handle this. After all, I’m a modern woman. Then I remembered how badly Linda wanted this baby.

Test

Jill’s voice interrupted my contemplation. “Hi, Teresa,” she said. “Things are slow in labor and delivery right now, so I thought this would be a good time to come by. Is this the patient Connie called about?”

“This is the one,” I replied. “We’d like to see if you can find a fetal heartbeat.”

Heartbeat

I uncovered Linda’s abdomen while Jill pulled out the Doppler and lubricated it with K-Y jelly. As Jill moved the Doppler around and adjusted the volume, I imagined what it would be like when the Pitocin had its desired effect and Linda’s body expelled the tiny baby it now held. I’m not a labor and delivery nurse, I thought. I never dreamed I would have to face something like this in ICU.

“I’m not finding anything,” said Jill, still searching with the Doppler. “I think the baby must be. . . . ”

Intervention

“Teresa, Dr. Hanson is on line two for you.” The floor secretary’s voice coming over the intercom made me jump, breaking the deadlock.

I walked out to the desk and answered the phone. “Stop the Pitocin drip on Williams,” said the OB/GYN intern. “I don’t want to be disturbed tonight. We’ll resume it in the morning.”

“All right,” I said and breathed a quiet Thank you.

Questioning convictions

For the rest of the night, I worked mechanically as I reflected on Linda and her baby. I’ve been trained to save lives. How could I participate in the taking of a life — any life?

I thought I believed in a woman’s right to terminate a pregnancy until I was confronted with what that really meant. Even when the mother’s life was at risk, did we as the medical profession have the right to decide who should live and who should die, to trade one life for another? How many times had I seen doctors proven wrong about a patient’s prognosis? Wasn’t God still in control of what happened?

By the end of the shift, I knew my answers to those questions.

Changed lives

The next night, I returned to find that Linda’s obstetrician had taken her to surgery to abort the baby. She eventually recovered, but her life would never be the same.

Neither would mine. A living heartbeat sounded in my mind, and I knew I would refuse to ever again be a part of ending a new life, no matter how bleak the alternatives seemed.

My head nurse was wrong about that night being uneventful. I walked out of the hospital a different person than when I walked in, thanks to a new perspective on the issue of abortion.

]]>The Long Path to Forgivenesshttp://nowwhat.cog7.org/the_long_path_to_forgiveness/
Mon, 31 Dec 2012 17:18:39 +0000http://nowwhat.cog7.org/the_long_path_to_forgiveness/The summer after I’d graduated from high school, I realized I was pregnant by my on-and-off-again boyfriend of the previous three years. The doctor advised...

]]>The summer after I’d graduated from high school, I realized I was pregnant by my on-and-off-again boyfriend of the previous three years. The doctor advised me to quickly schedule an abortion because I’d already missed two periods.

I chose to believe the lie that it would be a new start for me, just as if I’d never been pregnant.

Planted seed

Throughout high school, my mother said many times, “If you or your sisters get pregnant, you’re having an abortion. You’re graduating.”

She planted a seed, and it sprouted in the back of my mind — a lifeline just in case, or when, I did get pregnant. It grew strong and appeared to be a reliable hope as I prepared to leave for college.

Dread

My now ex-boyfriend agreed to drive me to the doctor’s office. On the ride down the river, I shivered as if I were wearing a bathing suit on a snowy day.

But it was August. I wore suitable clothes, and the car didn’t even have air conditioning. Since I feared even a dentist’s drill, I fought hard to not think about this appointment, except that it would be over soon.

Bad play

When the nurse called my name, I followed her down the hall. From the moment I realized I was pregnant, I’d felt as if I were performing a sequence of necessary actions in order to finish a bad play.

A large machine in the corner was covered with a sheet, and a table held multiple tools laid out for the doctor. I was given a shot to numb my lower body but not to put me under. I would remain awake.

A mask with nitrous oxide covered my mouth and nose to deaden the sensations. The gas didn’t give me the typical euphoric feeling but instead made me feel as if I were floating above my body.

Hard procedure

Soon the machine’s vacuuming noise filled my ears. The nurse left her place by the doctor’s side to hold my hand if I whimpered. She wiped my face and brow. “It’ll be over soon.” I squeezed her hand and held onto those words.

I left by the clinic’s back door to join my ex-boyfriend. Hurrying to the car, I scanned the parking lot to see if anyone saw me there.

Aftermath

He stopped on our way home at his favorite sporting goods store, maybe his way of saying, “Hey, we’re back to normal now.” I only wanted to go home and sleep, but instead I followed him through the corridor-type entrance. Within ten minutes, I returned to the car and waited for him.

Once home, I walked straight to my bedroom and curled into the fetal position as I normally did when I had menstrual cramping. But I worried. The nurse had explained I could bleed, cramp, and clot heavily. But how much was normal? Could I die? Should I tell my mother?

I buried these thoughts and pursued sleep instead.

Before and after

I went to my summer job as a tour guide the next morning. Back to normal, except I didn’t feel normal. I didn’t understand it then, but life changed at that point to “before” and “after,” as if I’d jumped over a line I didn’t know was there.

I felt alone. I hadn’t acknowledged a baby growing inside me, but perhaps some part of me realized it. I’d thought of my condition as “pregnant” and “not pregnant.” I’d gone through a desert and, though my ex-boyfriend had accompanied me, I hadn’t told my parents or sisters yet.

Distance from God

I had also distanced myself from God for a while and didn’t feel I could reach out to Him now.

I hadn’t grown up in a Christian home, but at age fourteen at a church camp, I asked Jesus to be my Savior. Friends, fun, and boys captured my interest a few years later. What I could see, taste, and touch dimmed the unseen but real God who loved me.

I eventually quit reading my Bible and going to church, and it would be another ten years before I found my way home to God. During that time apart from Him, I longed to be close to Him again. I prayed for forgiveness but couldn’t forgive myself.

Neutral

I wasn’t able to experience God’s forgiveness, but not because He hadn’t forgiven me. I knew He loved and forgave me, but my own heart condemned me still. Like a car jammed in neutral, I could not go forward or backward.

A few years after the abortion, I confessed to my mother what I’d done. I expected sympathy and hoped we’d grow closer. Maybe it’s because she wasn’t a Christian, but she couldn’t understand my feelings.

Finding forgiveness

Nearly ten years after my abortion, a new friend invited me to a Bible study. Some months later, I asked for prayer because I felt that I was suffocating with guilt.

Bible stories

That prayer for God’s grace opened a door to self-acceptance, in spite of what I’d done.

Bible stories came alive of people like me who needed forgiveness. I saw that God loved King David even after he had Uriah killed, that He loved Peter after he denied Jesus. God reached down to Saul while he was on the way to persecute Christians.

Choosing life

Several years later, a younger sister of mine faced an unwanted pregnancy the summer after she graduated from high school. My mother asked me to convince her to have an abortion, but I refused.

Instead, I shared my past with her. I counseled her to carry her baby to term and offer the baby for adoption. I didn’t want her to go through the pain I had experienced. I was thrilled when she chose life for her daughter.

Like David, Peter, and Saul, I am thankful for the gift of God’s undeserved favor and leading me toward forgiveness.

]]>When God Stopped an Abortionhttp://nowwhat.cog7.org/when_god_stopped_an_abortion/
Wed, 03 Nov 2010 18:57:21 +0000http://nowwhat.cog7.org/when_god_stopped_an_abortion/I was unmarried and pregnant. I knew abortion was wrong, but my boyfriend, Bob, insisted I have one. He was a musician, a “free spirit”...

]]>I was unmarried and pregnant. I knew abortion was wrong, but my boyfriend, Bob, insisted I have one. He was a musician, a “free spirit” who didn’t want to be tied down with children. I, on the other hand, had been raised with Christian values. My parents brought me up in the church, but somewhere along the line, I forsook that upbringing.

Blind love

It started when a friend invited me to go to the bar with her and watch her brother play in a band, and I met Bob. He was on stage playing his keyboard when suddenly he looked up and our eyes met. For me, it was love at first sight.

When the band took a break, Bob ignored the other women vying for his attention and came right to our table. “Who’s your friend?” he asked his sister. She introduced us, and he asked me to dance. I was literally swept off my feet by his suave dance moves and flattering words.

We started dating, and before I knew it, Bob had moved into my house. I had been taught that living together before marriage was wrong in God’s sight. Nevertheless, I was so in love with Bob, I ignored my conscience. I had never been happier in my life . . . or so I thought.

Troubled conscience

When the pregnancy test read positive, everything changed. Our romance immediately turned sour, and my dream world collapsed around me. Bob insisted I have an abortion; he made the appointment. All I could do was cry.

For three days I struggled with my conscience. I couldn’t eat or sleep. Finally I called my best friend, Barb, and asked if we could meet for lunch.

Honest conversation

While waiting for our order, I told her I was pregnant. “That’s wonderful!” she exclaimed.

“No,” I said, hanging my head. “It’s not wonderful. Bob wants me to have an abortion.”

“Is that what you want?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m so confused. I love Bob  but I know abortion is wrong. I’m afraid if I refuse to have one, he’ll leave me.”

Barb looked me straight in the eye and stated, “Yes, but you’re the one who has to live with a guilty conscience the rest of your life. You better think hard about that.”

Right decision

The day before the appointment, I made my decision. I knew I had to cancel the abortion, even if it meant losing Bob. I carried through with my decision, then waited for him to come home from work.

As I waited, I prayed. God, please give me the courage to stand firm in my decision. I know abortion is wrong. I know living together is wrong. I confess my sins to You, God, and ask for Your forgiveness. I want to make things right. Please help me.

Turnaround

I heard Bob’s car pull in the driveway. I took a deep breath, ready to defend my position. He came inside and plopped on the couch. “We have to talk,” he said. “We can’t go through with this abortion.” Relief flooded my soul. I couldn’t believe my ears!

“Something happened today that totally changed my mind,” he continued. “I was struggling with my conscience all morning. I just didn’t have any peace, so I decided to take a walk on my lunch hour to clear my head.

“I passed by a hooker who was pregnant out to here.” He illustrated with his arms how big she was. “She asked me if I was looking for a good time, and I told her, ‘No.’ I walked a few more blocks then turned around and went back to her. ‘Why are you doing this in your condition?’ I asked. She said, ‘Because it’s my job.’ So I asked her, ‘Why didn’t you just have an abortion? Wouldn’t that have made your job a lot easier?’ She said, ‘Mister, I love my baby. And besides, I don’t believe in killing someone helpless.’”

Confession

He was quiet a minute, then continued. “I walked on until I came to a church. Something drew me inside.” Bob hadn’t been inside a church in years. “I sat down in one of the pews, and then I got on my knees and prayed, ‘God, forgive me. I’m a bigger sinner than that prostitute. Forgive me for wanting to kill my baby.’”

He looked at me with tears in his eyes. “I’m canceling the appointment,” he said.

Then I started crying. “You don’t have to,” I sobbed. “I already did.” We hugged, then sat down at the table and discussed the future of our baby. We decided to do the right thing and get married.

Unsettling behavior

Bob and I were married a month later. I happily prepared for the coming of our baby, decorating the nursery and sorting through newborn clothes. Every day my love for the life within me increased, and I thanked God for the privilege of motherhood.

Unfortunately Bob wasn’t as enthused about fatherhood. His only love seemed to be music. He stayed out later and later at night, working with fellow musicians at a recording studio. Left alone far too many nights, I began to wonder if marriage to Bob had been the right thing after all. My only comfort came from knowing God was with me. He had stopped the abortion, and I knew He loved this child as much as I did  maybe more.

New baby

The night I went into labor, Bob stayed out until 4 a.m. I was frantic by the time he came through the door. My contractions were now close and hard. He rushed me to the hospital, and an immediate examination revealed I was dilated to ten and ready to deliver. Danny was born a few minutes later.

As I held him in my arms, joy flooded my soul. He was so tiny . . . so perfect! I thanked God earnestly for saving his life and blessing me with a healthy baby.

New life

I wish I could say everything went well after that, but it didn’t. Bob had an affair, then became addicted to crack cocaine. After six years of betrayal, I couldn’t take the pain anymore. I filed for divorce.

Danny continued to be my greatest blessing. As a single mom, I learned to trust God for everything. He became Danny’s Father in the truest sense of the word. When Danny had a need, I prayed. God always came through.

I never dated while Danny was growing up; I felt I was married to the Lord. He provided all the love, peace, joy, encouragement, help, and strength I needed to be a good mother.

Immeasurably more

Danny grew up to be a fine young man  tenderhearted and compassionate. He’s a blessing to everyone he meets. I know God’s hand has been on him since conception, and I know I wasn’t worthy of that miracle. But God’s goodness is not dependent upon mine.

One scripture I’ve treasured throughout the years is Ephesians 3:20, 21:

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen (NIV).

My son is living proof that God is able to do more than I could ever dream  when I follow His ways.

]]>Sanctity of Lifehttp://nowwhat.cog7.org/sanctity_of_life/
Wed, 03 Nov 2010 18:57:20 +0000http://nowwhat.cog7.org/sanctity_of_life/We had just gotten home from church when the phone rang. It was the Medical Center South. A nurse in ICU said she had been...

]]>We had just gotten home from church when the phone rang. It was the Medical Center South. A nurse in ICU said she had been unable to reach the chaplain on duty for that day. Would my husband Dave, a minister, come in his place? Dave agreed to go.

When we arrived at the hospital, we found twenty to thirty family members, relatives, and friends of the patient – a father and retired minister. A spokesman for the group said that earlier in the day, the doctor had tried disconnecting the patient from the ventilator, but had found that he could not breath on his own.

The family had concluded that the right thing to do was to disconnect this father from the ventilator and let him die. They reasoned that he seemed restless and kept trying to pull his tubes out. Therefore, they believed he wanted to die. After all, he had given many years of work to the Lord. The family felt he was ready to meet his Maker and shouldn’t be kept “suffering.”

Important Questions

Dave decided to ask a few questions of the spokesman.

“Can he communicate?”

“No . . . yes,” the spokesman answered.

“Well, which is it?”

“He can’t talk, but he can squeeze my hand to tell me yes or no.”

“Can he understand you when you talk to him?” Dave asked.

“Yes.”

“Have you asked him if he wants to be disconnected from the ventilator?”

“No.”

“Why don’t you ask him?”

“Well . . . I guess I could do that.”

Dave walked into the patient’s room, with six to eight family members following. He prayed for the welfare of the patient, then stepped out.

A Son’s Questions

One son sat on the bed and took hold of his father’s hand. Leaning forward, he said in a loud voice, “Dad, I’m going to ask you a question. If you want to say yes, squeeze my hand once. If you want to say no, squeeze my hand twice.

“Are you ready to meet your Maker, now?”

Two squeezes.

“Do you want to be disconnected from the ventilator and bring an end to all your troubles?”

Two squeezes.

After gazing into his father’s eyes a few moments, the son left the room.

Prayer and Recovery

The group formed a circle in the waiting room, and Dave prayed for God’s comfort and guidance in their decision-making. He also asked God to speak to those in the group who had not yet become Christians.

Satisfied that there was nothing more we could do, we returned home.

A couple of days later, Dave checked with ICU and was told the patient had been moved to the medical floor. The man’s life had been saved; he was on the road to recovery.

What is Good Quality of Life?

Some people feel that anyone who doesn’t have a good quality of life should be given the escape of death. But there is immediate disagreement over what is good quality of life and what isn’t.

I listened to a gentleman in his thirties talk about his condition during a news report on TV. He was a quadriplegic, confined to a wheelchair. Every so often he had to go to the hospital to have liquid pumped out of his lungs.

This man said some people might think he had poor quality of life. But, he said, he loved life. He believed he had a right to live and that this right should not be taken from him.

Contentment

Despite his disability, this man was able to look past the negative in his physical condition and embrace all of life. This is not easy to do, but it can be done!

Paul, a biblical writer, suffered physical pain and faced death. He eventually was put to death for his faith in Jesus Christ. Yet Paul wrote, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances” (Philippians 4:11).

Paul was able to declare this not because he merely kept a stiff upper lip, but because he had accepted Christ’s death for his sins and maintained a close relationship with Him. In verse 13, Paul wrote, “I can do everything through him [Christ] who gives me strength.”

An Icon of Suffering

Many people are worse off than the quadriplegic. They suffer from chronic illnesses and contract fatal diseases. Many are bedridden, unable to function in a normal lifestyle. They must rely on medication and painful treatments to make it through each day. Some face the reality that for all their efforts, they will ultimately die.

If Job, the biblical icon of suffering, could talk face to face with these people, he would understand what they’re going through. The Bible says Job was a righteous man who lost everything: his possessions, his children, and finally his health. Job’s physical and emotional suffering was so bad, he cursed the day he was born. And he wondered why those who suffer shouldn’t be allowed to die:

“Why is light given to those in misery, and life to the bitter of soul, to those who long for death that does not come, who search for it more than for hidden treasure, who are filled with gladness and rejoice when they reach the grave? Why is life given to a man whose way is hidden, whom God has hedged in?” (Job 3:20-23).

Talking to God

Though he didn’t turn his back on God, Job did fire many questions and accusations at God:

“I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God: Do not condemn me, but tell me what charges you have against me. Does it please you to oppress me, to spurn the work of your hands, while you smile on the schemes of the wicked?” (10:1-3).

Yet for all his bitter complaining and desire to die, Job did show a spark of faith: “But he [God] knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold” (23:10).

At the end of Job’s story in the Bible, God spoke to Job. But He didn’t explain the reason for his suffering, nor grant his request to die. God simply revealed who He is: the Maker and Sustainer of life (chapters 38-41). When Job grasped who God is, he concluded, “Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know” (42:3).

The Right to Decide

If a person has poor quality life, who has the right to decide whether that person lives or dies? Could people who favor euthanasia be like Job: speaking of things they don’t understand?

Life is a gift from God; it begins in the womb (“he who made you, who formed you in the womb . . . ,” Isaiah 44:2). God begins counting the days of our lives from the moment of conception; He has plans for us. The psalmist David wrote, “All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” (Psalm 139:16). Therefore, only God has the right to decide when death should come.

In the midst of his suffering, Job understood that only God knows how long He has given each of us to live (Job 14:5). When our days are over, our breath of life returns to the God who gave it (Ecclesiastes 12:7). People do not have the power to give life, nor do they have the authority to take it.

Danger

A great danger lurks: Every time a person decides to end another person’s life, he is claiming God’s authority over life. In reality, he is playing God.

Taking life by any means – abortion, euthanasia – is murder, and murder is sin (Exodus 20:13). However, murder is a sin that God can and will forgive if the murderer repents and turns to Christ for salvation. The Bible says if we confess our sins to God, He will forgive us and cleanse us (1 John 1:9).

Conclusion

Elsewhere in the Psalms, David wrote about God, “For with you is the fountain of life . . .” (Psalm 36:9). Life is sacred. Life should be enhanced. Life should be cherished.

Therefore, may we aspire to protect and preserve all human life that God has given until the end of our assigned days.

Scripture quotations were taken from the New International Version.

One woman didn’t hold life as sacred when it came to her unborn baby. Read her story “Life After Abortion”.

]]>The menacing topic came up in college. I arrived late to class and spotted the bright red letters penned on the dry erase board: ABORTION. Great, just great, I thought, taking my seat.

As the discussion unfolded, I took in the various points of view. A young, twenty-ish woman, Kay (not her real name), bemoaned the failings of adoption. It seems Kay’s close friend had been encouraged to give up her baby for adoption, instead of having an abortion. “Now all she does is cry for her baby,” Kay explained. “She cries all the time. She would have been way better off getting the abortion. At least then, her suffering would have been over. Now it will never end!”

My pulse quickened and a hot angry flush spread across my face. How many times would I have to hear this mistaken conviction? Didn’t she know women suffer either way? I had known that for nearly 18 years now — since my two abortions.

A million thoughts flew through my mind, each touching down for a moment and then yielding to the next updraft of repressed fury. Why don’t people know abortion destroys the mother with the child? Can’t they see the child becomes a shadow, a faceless whisper in a long, dark night? The greatest sadness I’ve had to carry through life is that I destroyed someone special and did nothing to protect my defenseless child from the bullies of our culture. Those bullies told me that my child was worthless and then finished her off without even calling to notify my parents.

History of hurt

Before I turned 13, things had been pretty stable in my home. Mom had always spent time listening to my fears, and Dad even showed up to rescue me when a bully and an angry crowd threatened me. By the time I was nearly 14, however, all that had changed. My dad, a respected leader in the church, quit attending the weekly services to focus more on his business. Soon after, he left us.

I was furious at him for leaving and at my mother for not standing up to him. Though they reconciled a few months later, I started a campaign in self-destruction: smoking pot and drinking in school. Over the next two years I jumped in and out of foster homes. Before long, I became pregnant.

Poor choices

After my abortion, guilt almost destroyed me. I didn’t feel I could talk to anyone, so I began to drive myself to have another baby to soothe my conscience. Within a year after quitting school to join the Navy, I became pregnant and married at 18. I thought this would make things okay in my life, but both of us were so young and immature that it only made things worse. Five years and two children after the marriage started, I divorced.

Immediately after my divorce, I became involved with another man I was stationed with in the Navy. Once again, I thought he would change the destructive course of my life. But within two months, I became pregnant and had another abortion. This time I was so deeply wounded from my choice, that no one could be around me.

Tail spin

It was then that my life took a horrifying tail spin. I developed ulcers, sank into depression (crying all the time), and lost over 27 pounds in two weeks. I became severely ill and had to be hospitalized.

Within a few months, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Just surviving through life was almost impossible, so I began weekly counseling to help me deal with some of my life issues.

It was not until I met my current husband that things began to change for the better. He was the first person who allowed me to feel my guilt and then pointed me to Jesus to forgive it. Things have not been easy, but God has been faithful to me since the day I committed my life to Him.

In fact, in all the years I could not forgive myself for my abortions, God was working out a plan to show me that He had forgiven me long ago. My last child Katie was born on the sixteenth anniversary of my first abortion.

Speaking up

For years I kept silent about my abortion. When the subject came up, my shame prevented me from telling the truth about my anguish.

But as I listened to Kay explain that her friend’s anguish could have been forgotten if she had chosen abortion, something welled up inside me. With my hands trembling and voice shaking, I turned to face my peers. Would anyone see the pain in my eyes or hear the truth that could no longer be silenced by the tight knot in my throat?

Gulping, I walked out on the edge of that fear. “It is not easy to talk about this,” I blurted before I could change my mind.

Everyone’s eyes turned from Kay toward me, seeming to stare right through me. “I had an abortion when I was almost 16,” I began. “Everyone said I would forget about it, but they were wrong. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret it and wonder how things might have been. I wish to God someone would have told me about adoption or maybe about somewhere I could get help. The only thing anyone told me was that abortion was my only choice.”

Moral support

I steeled myself for the angry barbs and the disgusting looks of contempt, but instead I saw compassionate nods from my classmates. Many of the silent ones (some who had been nodding with Kay) suddenly backed me up. Everyone looked at me sympathetically; one woman dabbed tears from her eyes. A man disclosed a difficult experience with abortion, while the woman next to me cupped a hand to her mouth. “Me too — I’ve had an abortion,” she whispered. “That’s something you don’t forget.”

Looking around the room, I felt like the prophet Elisha’s servant. When he and Elisha faced a vicious attack from their enemies, all the servant could focus on was the size of the army. But the prophet encouraged his servant, “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them” (2 Kings 6:16).

Then Elisha prayed, “O Lord, open his eyes so he may see. Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha” (v. 17).

It was as if God opened my eyes and I saw an army of people standing with me rather than coming against me.

Life lessons

When I stepped out in faith that night, God taught me that it’s not shameful to speak up about the truth of abortion. I had gotten lost in a silent storm, refusing to admit how much a woman suffers when she has killed an unborn child. My silence was far more dangerous than shouting “Fire!” in a crowded theater. I was leading others to believe that to abort is good, that it spares the child awful circumstances and avoids destroying your life. In truth, there is no fire like the fire in a soul of one who has bridged her conscience.

I’ve also learned that navigating through the pain with God’s help develops strength of character. “Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t soothe the conscience; only confessing wrong and seeking God’s forgiveness does this. I don’t think so much of my shame anymore, but of the unborn children who need a voice — mine.

That night in class I took a big risk, but I believe God was there waiting for someone to take a stand. In the end, Kay and all the others were thankful for my testimony. I can almost hear God crying out across our land to His children, “Who knows abortion destroys two people? Can I get a witness?”

]]>Life After Abortionhttp://nowwhat.cog7.org/life_after_abortion/
Wed, 03 Nov 2010 18:57:19 +0000http://nowwhat.cog7.org/life_after_abortion/Life after abortion: Is there really such a thing? Although this thought didn’t consciously run through my mind, it burned deep within my heart. I...

Although this thought didn’t consciously run through my mind, it burned deep within my heart. I was young and single the first time I became pregnant. Because of morning sickness, I quit my job. I was not eligible for unemployment and was solely responsible for providing my needs. I remember going through the motion of daily living, but I don’t remember ever being so depressed, ill, and confused in all my life. I felt deserted and despondent about the decision I had made to have an abortion. How could anyone else help me resolve something concerning my body and my beliefs?

Shacking Up

Because of the hurt we put each other through over the previous years, I no longer dated the man who might have been the father. Yet I yearned to be asked out by someone – anyone – just so I’d know I was still desirable. Misery sank in: no income, no intimacy, no peace. I desperately grabbed onto the first person capable of pulling me out of my pit.

I met Kenny while entering my third month of pregnancy. He was a hard worker and a great provider. We moved in together, but I didn’t share my secret with him. I later wondered if he would have accepted my baby with me if I’d only had the courage to tell him the truth.

At the time, I confided only in my mother regarding my pregnancy. She encouraged me to go away to a larger city to live with my hippie college brother and have the baby. But I didn’t see that as a desirable option. My mother’s advice and wishes weren’t persuasive enough. Pride told me I could handle the abortion myself, so I did.

A Simple Plan?

The lady at the organization where I received my pregnancy test hadn’t told me about possible pregnancy options. She simply referred me to one place. There I went, and they offered the simplest plan available.

The abortion process ran smoothly. I had signed up for medical aid, so I didn’t pay my expenses. Although I entered the clinic by myself, I wasn’t alone. Seated in the waiting room were several other women. One young woman chased after her toddler; this would be her second abortion.

“I didn’t have complications before,” she assured the rest of us. This settled any concerns I wrestled with inside. I trusted that the medical professionals knew their job.

Side Effects

Everything happened as scheduled in my abortion; no physical problems arose. Finally, I thought, this door to my life is closed. But no one had discussed with me the emotional side effects that could occur after the abortion.

Kenny and I married four months after meeting each other. Our first three years together were like a roller coaster with his explosive personality running over my timid nature. After the abortion, I cried constantly without telling him about my inner sorrow. Although I received counsel from a psychologist, I discussed only the surface of my immediate problems with him. Nothing was resolved.

Spiritual Help

Three years after Kenny and I married, we consented to go to church with a couple who frequently spoke about God. I was six months pregnant with our first child at this time. As I listened, many emotions rose in my heart that I didn’t know were buried so deep. I don’t remember what the pastor spoke about, but I knew I needed help. God was mercifully waiting for me to come to Him.

When the pastor asked if anyone wanted to accept Jesus in their heart, I stood to show that I wanted what he was offering, though I didn’t fully understand what it entailed. After the pastor prayed with me at the altar and I received Christ, the spiritual blinders dropped from my eyes. When I later read the Bible, I realized I had committed sin by aborting my first child. The wounds from my guilt began to heal after I confessed my abortion through prayer to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Practical Growth

Seven years later when I was pregnant with my third child, I became interested in helping pregnant women. I started donating clothes and money to a local agency that focused on women who wanted to keep their babies.

Then God slowly opened the door wider for me to become more involved. I brought home video tapes relating to the abortion issue. Although my husband didn’t express any interest in God or in what the Bible had to say, he was appalled at how any woman could abort her baby.

At this, I was disturbed: I still hadn’t told Kenny of my abortion. I found myself torn between defending the decision a woman makes and knowing abortion grieves the Lord.

Revealing the Secret

Finally, I revealed my awful secret to a volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center. She encouraged me to tell Kenny about my abortion. I was afraid of what Kenny would think or say and of the questions he might ask: “Whose baby was it? Does the father know?”

I covered myself in prayer, then told Kenny I needed to talk with him about something personal.

When I finished speaking, freedom from the bondage of my past overwhelmed me! My husband didn’t ask any details; instead, he lovingly accepted that part of my life. In answer to my prayers, Kenny gave the acceptance I desperately needed.

Biblical Help

Next, I studied a post-abortion counseling manual based on Bible verses. I read many verses indicating that God is definitely pro-life:

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him (Genesis 1:27).

The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life (Job 33:4).

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be (Psalm 139:15, 16).

I also read that human life begins at conception and that Jesus loves children:

This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit (Matthew 1:18).

[Jesus] said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these” (Mark 10:14).

“You shall not murder” (Exodus 20:13).

“Do not put an innocent or honest person to death, for I will not acquit the guilty” (Exodus 23:7).

I believe that reading these scriptures and the post-abortion counseling manual helped me complete the healing process God had started in me the day I sought forgiveness for my abortion.

Healing

Since that healing, I have freely shared my experience with others as God has given me opportunities. I am a volunteer at a local crisis pregnancy center, and God has moved me into the area of post-abortion counseling. I’m learning a great deal about the effects of abortion on women.

Just as the scars of death are apparent in Jesus Christ, the scars of my past remain in my life. But just as Jesus no longer experiences pain and suffering on the cross, I no longer experience the pain and suffering of abortion. Jesus’ sacrificial love made me whole; there is still abundant life for me.

The first Bible verse I learned as a new Christian has had more meaning for me throughout my life with Christ than when I first learned it. It is simple, yet profound and promising; it tells of life after abortion: “Weeping may last for a night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5b, NASB)

Scripture quotations were taken from the New International Version, except where otherwise noted.