My Letter To Dear Uncle Jesse

I heard your performance on the Alex Jones radio broadcast this afternoon. It was really nifty watching you play into the conspiracy theory nut's outlandish hyperbole with the results of your defamation case against Chris Kyle's estate. For a moment you were in the flow so much that I thought you'd teleported back to a simpler time when you worked the broadcast booth with Gorilla Monsoon and "Mean" Gene Okerlund. It was nice.

I can't overlook the glaring sin you committed, Jesse, and I think it's time you were called out on it. You don't get to use your platforms to make people stupider in order to further your own agenda, Jesse, and yet that's what you did here. As a result, even though I loved you in "Predator," I have to call you out on it here.

You said that eleven media companies have petitioned the Eight Circuit Court of Appeals for leave in order to file amici curae briefs in the appeal of your defamation case. This, you claim, is simply unacceptable as an American, because what these dastardly media barons are doing is trying to make it legal to besmirch someone's good name. According to former Governor Ventura, this petition by eleven media companies is going to ruin our right to a trial by jury as we know it, and utterly shatter our foundations of modern jurisprudence.

Except it's not, Jesse, and I think you know this.

When you say the media companies petitioned the Eighth Circuit Court of Appeals for "leave to file an amici curae brief" in your defamation case appeal, and that "amici curae" was simply "legal jargon," you were half right and that half right situation is what makes your distortion of the truth so dangerous. Petitioning the Court to file an amici curae brief is a nice way of saying that eleven media companies have a take on how your defamation case's appeal should go, and they'd like the chance to weigh in on the issue. That's all. They're asking the court very nicely if they can give an opinion on how your case should go. They aren't destroying the legal system, they're doing what you're supposed to do as a lawyer or a legal team in a high profile case.

On that mention of the "unjust enrichment" issue being appealed? That's a really nice way to say that the issue of "unjust enrichment"--whether Chris Kyle's estate wrongly profited off the alleged false statements of fact that harmed you--is going to stand in court. That's all. You are concerned--and you made this very clear during the Alex Jones show--that this means these "eleven media companies" will use this as a sticking point to make it legal for people to lie and tarnish one's name. Well it won't Jesse. Allow me to soothe your fears. They more than likely want to make sure that their respective media interests can't be harmed by your butthurt.

So--here's what the kids call the "TL;DR" version Uncle Jesse: The legal system is proceeding just as it always has, and you're upset that the law is functioning the exact way it's supposed to.

That's not good enough, though. You are angry, aren't you Jesse? You want this to be a scenario where the legions of tin-foil crazies will join you in your quest to fight your own legal battles, don't you? That's why you picked Alex Jones' radio show to spew this vapid tripe. That's why you chose to discuss this among any number of other asinine theories you espouse.

You have to know what "amici curae" and "petition for leave" mean, Jesse. You're a smart guy with good lawyers. You've served as governor for Minnesota. You're a guy who's managed to transition from pro wrestling to a career in politics and entertainment. That means you have to know what you said was misleading to the public, and if that's the case then I really have to call you out on this. If you truly didn't know, Jesse, then you're still not excused. You just need to fire your lawyer, because they're not doing a good enough job explaining to you this is the LAST thing you need to worry about right now.

The world has enough people that are made dumb through stuff like this. Jesse Ventura, you have a moral obligation to not use your sphere of influence to make people stupider, and you have summarily violated this obligation. Not only have you done so on a national platform, you did it with the express goals of furthering your own personal legal action. This i cannot abide without comment.

Stop now before this gets really bad, Jesse. You ranting about insignificant motions isn't going to help your appeal at all.