Sunday, February 8, 2009

(Steve enters his apartment. He carries a shiny oval dish and a small plate of cookies covered in plastic wrap. He shakes his head in disgust as he walks past a stone statue of a large man crouched down with his butt cleavage exposed. Medusa enters suddenly and startles him. She carries a small flower and a doily.)

STEVE

Medusa!

MEDUSA

Steve! You’re home early.

(Medusa places the doily on the back of the statue and sticks the flower in the crack of the statue’s ass. Steve uses the reflection on his dish to look at her.)

STEVE

There was a birthday party at work. The boss gave us the rest of the day off.

MEDUSA

Cookies!

(Steve hands her the small plate. She devours one.)

STEVE

Home made chocolate chip.

MEDUSA

Home made?

STEVE

Yeah. Connie made them.

(Medusa tries to spit out what she has already consumed.)

MEDUSA

Connie’s a whore!

STEVE

She’s an administrative assistant!

MEDUSA

Whore!

STEVE

Medusa! Honey. We need to talk.

MEDUSA

No we don’t. We don’t need to talk. Look, the cable guy was here. Isn’t that nice? We have HBO, now.

STEVE

I see the cable guy was here. And now he’s a vase.

MEDUSA

He patronized me, Steve. You know how I hate that. He treated me like I was just some dumb housewife. You keep me cooped up in this apartment all day.

STEVE

We agreed to that and because of this very thing. And because of your jealousy. If you just turn people to stone because they bug you, then every time you went to the Jewell you’d turn it into a rock garden.

MEDUSA

Uh – those TCF people are worthless. Don’t get me started.

STEVE

This isn’t working.

MEDUSA

You’re breaking up with me?

STEVE

We’re just too different.

MEDUSA

Mortals do not break up with Gorgons.

STEVE

Yeah, see. That was a threat. That’s part of the problem.

MEDUSA

That wasn’t a threat. I was merely stating a fact. Mortals don’t break up with Gorgons.

STEVE

The way you said it sounded like a threat. You have anger issues.

MEDUSA

That pisses me off. You have no idea what it’s like to be me. Slither in my shoes for awhile. I can’t go out unchaperoned. Even if I wanted to work, I’m overqualified for every mortal job there is. It’s because you think I’m ugly.

STEVE

That was sudden and not it.

MEDUSA

There’s not a lot I can do about my looks, Steve. My only options are “snakes up” or “snakes down.”

STEVE

It’s not your looks. I never see you. Directly.

MEDUSA

Then it’s the sex. You’re bored already! Athena was right. Why buy the serpent when you can get the venom for free.

STEVE

Why does this have to be so hard? You’re not happy here. Can’t you see this isn’t working?

(She takes another cookie.)

MEDUSA (with mouth full)

Steve. I moved from my lair in Libya to Chicago just to be with you.

STEVE

I know. You made a tremendous sacrifice. I can’t help but think we were just too impulsive.

MEDUSA

But your e-mails were so romantic. And that picture of you at the Leaning Tower of Pisa where the tower leans one way and you lean another. I fell in love when I saw that picture.

STEVE

Your pictures were all blurry.

MEDUSA

It’s hard for me to find a good photographer. They’re only good for about a second.

(Steve takes her by the hand. They hold each other.)

STEVE

I think we moved in together too quickly.

MEDUSA

We just need to give it more time.

STEVE

I do like holding you and looking into your neck.

MEDUSA

I like wrapping all available appendages around you.

STEVE

You know, you don’t always turn an entire person into stone.

MEDUSA

Sometimes my efforts are more concentrated.

STEVE

Maybe I was being too impulsive, again. Let’s talk about this later. Until then, I’ll go put on the Joe Cocker CD in the bedroom.

MEDUSA

Put on the blindfold, too, lover.

(He exits. Medusa kicks the statue. He stands.)

CABLE GUY (whispering)

Sheesh. Thanks for making me endure that very special episode.

MEDUSA

Get out of here, Julio. But be back tomorrow. I may want to upgrade to a more premium channels.

(She slaps his butt and she exits to the bedroom as Joe Cocker’s “You Are So beautiful” begins to play. The cable guy pulls the flower out of his butt crack and sniffs it. Lights fade.)