18 October 2010

Diary of a Munaqabah

Day 1:

Allahu Akbar! I am in Niqaab. I bought it today simply because I wanted to have this style of Niqaab as well as the one I already had at home. In the car I put it on and showed Hubby what I looked like. I kept it on until we got to the school to pick the kids up and he asked me to take it off. I obliged. Next stop was my Mother in Law. I didn’t put it on until after we had left her place to go to buy shoes. The area we went to for the shoes is predominantly a Muslim one, so I felt right at home. There were many other Munaqabahs there with their husbands and children and even some young girls who were not married at all.

I think I had the knot tied too far up at the back because it was very uncomfortable for a while and I had to keep pulling the Niqaab out of my eyes.

With the slight discomfort though, I still felt as though this is definitely something I want to do. I left it on when I went into the Butcher and again, being amongst other Muslims, it felt normal and didn’t attract too much attraction.

I could sense my Husband becoming a bit anxious, as although he has always known that this is what I wanted, and granted me permission to don the Niqaab, he probably help but wonder what the reaction of our families and friends would be.

We arrived at my Ummi, and went inside. She smiled and said to me “For real?” And I suddenly realized that I couldn’t exactly take it off and say “No I was just kidding!”. I didn’t want to take it off. I wanted to wear my Niqaab. This felt different, for sure, but this was what I wanted.I was just in time for Asr Salaah, and when I completed, I made a Niyyat to don the Niqaab from this day forward. Some cousins were there to visit, and when I saw their father (my aunt’s husband) I automatically pulled the Niqaab back down over my face. Instead of coming to shake my hand the way he normally would have, he stopped dead in his tracks and greeted standing where he was, then turned to go back outside.

The rest of the day was uneventful, except that my Mother in Law wanted to know “why?”. I had no answer except that the wives of our Nabi S.A.W. also wore the veil and that I just felt I wanted to. She wasn’t overjoyed and didn’t offer any kind of joyful wish or Masha Allah, but she gave a promise that she would try to get used to it. All the while, I was just thinking, "Yaa Allah,a ccept me… Yaa Allah accept me…” Not much more was said afterwards.

That night I told my Hubby that this is forever, Insha Allah. I didn’t know what my bosses and colleagues would say, but they were the only people I could think of who could possibly make it really awkward and challenging for me. Still, I decided to go ahead… Alhamdulillah.

I ended up sitting for a long time, just reflecting on the whole business of Niqaab that night. I asked myself the question: “Why?” Are you doing it because you want other Muslims to think of you as “holy”? Are you doing it because you want a job in a Muslim Organisation? I realized that I am doing it because I feel that I need to have my face protected from strange gazes. I want to protect it from strange gazes so that I am not guilty of attracting strange men’s attention. I do not want to attract the attention of strange men because I do not want to anger Allah. In all of this is the conclusion that I am doing it to please my Maker. Should I really have to explain myself to mere Creation? Allah knew before I knew that I was going to do this. Events occurred each day, me reading something in a Kitaab or hearing something in a lecture., feeling a certain way or catching a Non-Mahram looking at me… This was something I had to do. And if the Prophet S.A.W.’s wives did it, it is a Sunnah. I want to fulfil this Sunnah.

Day 2

Today we went to the shopping mall up the road to pay an account. My children, without me telling or asking them to, put on their best Kurta’s and Islaamic headgear. As soon as we climbed out of the car in the parking lot of the mall, my son grabbed my left hand, my daughter my right, and off we went. They held on so tightly, as though they felt that they needed to protect me or show that they were proud to be with me. I squeezed their hands tightly as I realized what they were doing.

We bought some soft serve ice-cream, which is the norm for our quick ten minute mall visits, and only when the lady serving us handed the ice-cream to me, did I realise that I was going to have a problem. My husband was too embarrassed to hold it for me as well as hold his own so I shot him a “look” and took the car keys and took a really swift walk to the car so I could start on my ice-cream before it melted. Once in the car, I lifted my Niqaab and the ice-cream tasted just the way it always does – delicious.

I then took a drive with the kids to my Ummi again, visited my Grandmother, whom my kids fondly call “Oper Naani” or “Big Granny”. My Ummi’s sister was glad that I was in Niqaab and hugged me and kissed me. My Naani was not quite as impressed. She said that people scoff at ladies in Niqaab and talk bad about them behind their backs. I listened to her advice and assured her that I would not let people’s opinions bother me, because I wanted to please Allah. She nodded and said nothing more.

Day 3

I didn’t sleep very well last night because I got into bed late, too anxious to sleep. And then the baby was feverish during the night and I sat up with her until the fever broke. I was up at 03h45 and battled a bit to keep my eyes open but I managed.

Have you ever felt your insides twist from nervousness? Mine did. All morning, until it was time to leave. And I changed my Khimaar three times before I could leave. Traffic was fairly easy today, and I took extra care to drive considerately. I can just imagine the Niqaab being the first point of reference if anyone thought I was driving badly.

I got to work and moved toward my desk in increments. First out the car into the basement, deep breath, then up the stairs into the reception and into the rest room to adjust anything that needed adjusting in the mirror, then to my desk faster than I ever have before.

Most of the developers here are introverts and prefer each other’s company anyway. I have never spoken to them except when there was a need for work. So having them walk by and not even give me a second glance (obvious glance) suited me fine.

I had sent my Manager a text message yesterday to let her know that I was now wearing the veil, and she hadn’t responded, but when she walked in this morning she smiled and greeted as she usually would and she was really polite.

I am feeling positive Insha Allah. Let’s see what the rest of the day and week hold. Allah keep us all steadfast in our decisions to get closer to him Insha Allah. Allah guide us and protect us and help us to please him in the best way we can. Insha Allah.

3 Comments

Wa alaikumusSalaam, dearest Sister
I wasn't sure if I was allowed to wear it to work but I just showed up with it on and the first day hardly anyone said anything to me about it, in fact hardly anyone came near me. Lol. But on day 2 they started asking questions and I answered them. Some people think it's "cool" while others feel there's a trust breach because they can't see my face. I nod and listen but constantly make dua inside for strength because people can be quite mean. But deciding to do it and going through with it I think is the hardest. After that it's really just maintenance.Allah swt bless you and keep you and reward you for your decision too. Aameen.

Salaam Sister!! Mashallah!! Mashallah! I am sooo inspired by you and your story! I have worn niqab for almost a year and a half and wear it 99% of the time. Except at work. I cant wear it where I work but am very interested in hearing how you manage. InshaAllah...Allah will bless you !!!