So to Speak

Only one deadline matters in December

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Tuesday December 4, 2012 6:24 AM

Every month has deadlines, but December 2012 has some really big ones.

To take them in order:

• On Dec. 21, the world is supposed to end, according to some fringe interpretations of the Maya
calendar.

• On Dec. 24, you run out of time to finish your Christmas shopping (unless you want to shop on
Christmas Day at a truck stop or a 24-hour Walgreens).

• On Dec. 31, the nation plunges over the “fiscal cliff.”

On the face of it, the pressure seems like a lot for one month.But let’s examine the deadlines
calmly and rationally to see whether any panic is warranted.

Let’s begin with Dec. 21.In weighing apocalyptic predictions, one must always consider the
motivations of the believers.

True, some people are flocking to a picturesque village in France where (I’m not making this up)
an alien spaceship will supposedly emerge from a mountain and whisk to safety anyone nearby on the
fateful day.

To which I say: Well, isn’t it convenient that the one safe spot on Earth happens to be a
picturesque village in a country known for wine and romance? Of course people are flocking there —
a vacation destination.

I guarantee you that, if the one safe spot were a desert outpost without baguettes or an Arctic
village 200 miles by canoe from the nearest bistro, no one would be flocking there.

Besides, soothsayers have a lousy record of accurately predicting the apocalypse — something
like 0-182. They need to rack up a victory or two before we take the Maya thing seriously.

As for the fiscal cliff, or the date when various tax hikes and spending cuts are to go into
effect: Yes, it seems a bit more alarming because it involves Washington politicians.

If Congress were a group of 535 elementary-school students in danger of doing something
reckless, you might get them to reconsider by posing the classic parental question: If everybody
else jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too?

In the case of 535 senators and representatives, though, you can’t assume the same level of
maturity.

On the other hand, we’re talking about a self-imposed ultimatum here.If you set a do-or-die
deadline for accomplishing something, yet failed to accomplish it and didn’t really want to die,
what logical solution might you try?

Here’s one that comes to mind: extend the deadline.

I still have enough faith in our elected leaders to think that, when faced with a choice of
doing something reckless or cowardly, they’ll pick cowardly.

Which brings us to Dec. 24, a deadline I see no way of discounting or postponing.

Fortunately, we live in the consumer heaven known as the United States — where choosing the
right gifts is a simple matter of sorting through an infinite variety of possibilities for the
items that will surprise, delight and perfectly express your feelings about the people in your life
best positioned to make you miserable if you get it wrong.

It’s terrifying.

Or, put another way: The world will almost certainly not end on Dec. 21, but, if you mess up
Dec. 25, you might wish it had ended.