I chronicle nonsense, mostly about the news, sometimes about pop culture. If you don't think it's nonsensical, then yell at me in the comments.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Proper Etiquette for Cyclists and Pedestrians

These are just a few tips for my fellow pedestrians and bicyclists who do not know the proper response to your fellow roadmates in powered horseless carriages. These scenarios have been tested by your humble harbinger of this news, and the results were satisfactory.**

SCENARIO #1: As you are pushing a cart full of groceries through the parking lot to your car, you see a motorist slowing down and turning on his turn signal to indicate he wants your parking space once you exit it. If he simply waits, it is always nice to be courteous and try to get your groceries into your cabin, place the cart back in one of the cart stalls, and exit the space. Wave if you so feel like it.

However, if while putting the groceries in the car, the motorist honks at you and give you a look as if you need to hurry up, just take your time. In fact, go slower than you ever thought possible. Plod along to return the cart to the cart stalls. If said motorist feels the need to say something to you along the lines of, “Hurry the f*** up”, kindly remind him that patience is a virtue, and there are plenty of spaces in the parking lot that he COULD have taken. If he attempts to argue with you, remind him that the longer he holds this conversation, the longer it will take for you to exit the spot he so cherishes. Ask him if he is trying to teach the children in his auto how NOT to act when interacting with humans. . Tell his children not to worry; being an impatient jerk is not hereditary. Be sure to do a thorough, 15-30 second safety check of your vehicle before turning it on. 15-30 seconds to impatient a**holes is equivalent to 3-6 minutes.

Conversely, if you have time and there is another store nearby, forego the safety check. Instead, turn on your engine for 5 seconds, then turn it off, exit your vehicle, and walk toward that store, and smile at the motorist as you walk past his vehicle as he/she drives off in a fit.

SCENARIO #2: After having patiently waiting for the “Walk” signal to light at an intersection, you embark on your cross-street journey. An auto that wishes to turn right ignores your right of way, stops suddenly, leers at you, and honks his horn for you to hurry up. Walk slower. Point at the “Walk” signal, and tell him that the more he honks, the slower you walk. Should he rev his engine at you, Spread your arms in front of him, and politely state, “I’ve already got your plate number memorised, motherf***er! HIT ME! I will OWN your piece of s*** car and YOU’LL be in jail for assault!” This should be enough for him to relent and back out of the intersection/walkway, back to his spot in the turn lane. By this point, the light should have turned red, and he will have to wait for oncoming traffic.

Should there be a state or city trooper nearby witnessing all this, take a little bit of time to enjoy the sight of the aggressive motorist immediately getting pulled over as he turns and getting a citation for his poor driving etiquette.

SCENARIO #3 (My Favourite): You are riding your bicycle, and the light is green for you. A motorist in the intersecting lane does not look both ways before turning and pulls out into the intersection nearly careening into you. As he screeches on his brakes and you swerve so as to not be jettisoned off your bike, over his hood, and onto hard concrete, you hear him say, “Stupid f***!” Calmly turn around and suggest to him that he copulate with his mother and remind him that he nearly killed you. Use vulgarity, if you like. Should he respond, “My mother’s dead, you sonofab****”, tell him that he had better get a shovel then. If he starts to unbuckle his seatbelt and open his door to confront you about your suggestions, pick up your bicycle as if you are going to throw it at him or his automobile, and lunge at him with it and say, “DO IT!” This polite suggestion will prompt him to get back into his vehicle and drive away.

There may be more scenarios arising as the IQ of the average Rochesticle driver cedes to nothing. If you have a scenario that may prove useful, please share. I will add it to a future instalment of proper pedestrian/bicycling etiquette. J

**WARNING: Responses to these scenarios may only work if you look like an angry black man. None have been tested by pretty white girls, quietly deposed Indians, skinny math-nerdy Chinese people, or any other stereotypical mix of genre of people. Responses may work for Dude-Bros.