September 18, 2007

There's a very old joke about the dyslexic agnostic who stayed up late at nights unsure about the existence of dog.

I tell you this because I regaled you last month with the tale of "Naked before God," a convention of religious nudists meeting in Tennessee. Today, I want to tell about "Naked before Dog," which has to do with a naked dog-walker.

LITCHFIELD, Conn. - Police say they are on the lookout for a nude man who was spotted taking a stroll with two dogs on Monday. Police say the man was seen by a female jogger in the woods of the White Memorial Foundation.

Mary stolle, athletic director at nearby Wamogo Regional High School, said the school's cross country teams were diverted from the woods where they had been training into White Memorial's museum as a precaution.

The suspect is a tall white man with thin hair who is believed to be in his 50s.

According to the Litchfield Republican-American, which obviously you can't trust, because it's probably sitting in a public toilet tapping its foot, the naked dog-walker "went au natural in the woods of the White Memorial Foundation Monday, stunning a female jogger and forcing high school cross country teams to take or consider taking precautions." The use of the word "stunned" is interesting. Was she stunned by the man's, uh, natural beauty, or was she stunned in any of the following senses of the word:

1. To daze or render senseless, by or as if by a blow.2. To overwhelm or daze with a loud noise.3. To stupefy, as with the emotional impact of an experience; astound.

Personally, I suspect she was horrified, not stunned, but that's only because I should know. It won't be too long before I fit the description of the dog-walker, at least when he has his clothes on.

The other interesting facet of the story is why the cross-country teams were diverted from the woods "as a precaution." As a precaution against what? Were the dogs dangerous? Or was it a precaution against being stunned by a naked middle-aged dude who had a couple of dogs with him?

One final thought: This clearly wouldn't have happened in California, where they actually have "Naked Dog Walks" in a place called, oddly enough, "Los Gatos" (which means "the cats" in some metric language or other). If you think I'm kidding about naked dog walks, see this announcement and this one.

And it's a damn good thing they specify "naked" dog walks, because otherwise people might dress their dogs up in those silly little sweater things.

In case I get the urge to write some more stupidity outside of Pillage Idiot, and you want to receive it in email form, send me an email (correct the address first), and I'll add you to the Pillage Idiot Retirement Mailing List.