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Sunday, 17 February 2013

Mindful Love

Today I am going to write a post however the post is not actually mine. It has been lifted word for word from the most recent Positive Psychology News Daily (PPND) edition. Which can be found here.

The article talks of Valentine's day and although this past by just a few days ago I have only just gotten around to reading the article and it certainly resonated with me.

I suppose that although technically I am probably plagiarizing I am including the original text here to also illustrate how this idea of Mindful love can be implemented on a larger scale for the purpose of encouraging us all to Love Mindfully.

I have written here in the post "Healing a vital Component" about the concept of Lateral Violence within the "The First peoples of THE NATIONS OF AUSTRALIA" and of the movement started to combat this of Lateral Love.

I suggest that the following article that as I stated is from an alternate source can be used as the basis for the framework of what is required through the growing body of evidence on the positive effects and growth potential for the implementation of Principles of Mindfulness more widely.

So I guess the aim of what I am doing here in this post as is the aim I suppose of "my BLOG" more widely is to attempt to bring together a range of information from a wide range of sources and "PUT IT OUT THERE" as my thoughts. Some may be able to see these thoughts as a solution, others may see them as nothing particularly relevant but none the less I have DONE and now I can sit and BE to await while others may DO from my BEING.

Just so those who read get the reference I am playing on the information that has come up in many of my explorations that the best of Life is to create a balance between the BEING and DOING. As indicated often within the words the song by Frank Sinatra with the nonesense words of do be do be do.... within the song "Strangers in the night".

So here is a short musical interlude before the main text of the original article in question of Mindful Love.

BTW there may be something in the lyrics that links the theme of the this original post together. Just maybe......

So without further a due...

Mindful Love

Author

Kirsten Cronlund, MAPP 2008, is committed to helping others navigate the rough waters of divorce with resiliency,
drawing upon personal experience and the science of positive psychology. She is now serving as the director of Bryn
Athyn Church School. Full bio.
Kirsten's articles are here.

Pros and Cons of Valentine’s Day
I have mixed feelings about Valentine’s Day. On the one hand, having a
holiday dedicated completely to the savoring of romantic relationships
seems a likely way to enhance and cultivate positive emotion, express
gratitude, and even feel gratitude. I’m sure there are many who have
lovely romantic Valentine’s Day celebrations.
On the other hand, even the most loving relationships go through ups
and downs. Dedicating a holiday to highlighting romance and passion
might cause stress for some people because we all fall victim to social
comparison. It’s easy to assume that everyone else is feeling close to
their romantic partners and that there must be something wrong with our
relationship if we are not lovey-dovey.

I’m not a cynic. In fact, I have cultivated the practice of optimism to
such a degree that some might say I’m like Pangloss in Voltaire’s
Candide. So don’t take it the wrong way when I say that romance is
overrated. There’s nothing wrong with you if your Valentine’s Day is not
Hallmark-worthy, and there may not even be anything wrong with your
relationship if you would rather spend Valentine’s Day by yourself,
soaking in a tub and reading a good novel, than getting dressed up and
engage in stimulating conversation with your spouse.
In her new book, Love 2.0,
Barbara Fredrickson defines love in terms of positivity resonance, a
state of shared positive emotion, biochemical synchrony, and a shared
motive to invest in each other’s well-being. Maybe your idea of the
expression of love is contained in the activities of daily life: the
sharing of and active responding to good news, helping your spouse by
unloading the dishwasher, picking the children up from soccer practice,
or painting the kitchen together. There’s nothing wrong with this.Be Wary of Maximizing
Barry Schwartz has written in The Paradox of Choice that we make ourselves supremely unhappy when we maximize,
that is, search and search for the “perfect” object or decision. We set
ourselves up for disappointment because the amount of time and energy
we invest in this process makes us subconsciously expect a level of
happiness with our final decision that is highly unlikely. This is true
when researching for the best dishwasher, and it is also true in
relationships. Barry states that we are most happy when we set for
ourselves a limited set of criteria that we are looking for, and quit
looking when we have satisfied those requirements. He tells us not to
second guess our decisions and to avoid comparisons to others as much as
possible (except for downward comparisons, which can make us feel
better about our circumstances).
Barry’s advice is perhaps relatively easy to follow when buying a
vacuum, but it’s not so easy to remain as satisfied with one’s spouse.
Conflict is inherent in all relationships, and the negotiation of the
complexities of merging two outlooks and lifestyles incites people to
periodically question whether or not they have made the right choice of
spouse. It’s easier said than done to set criteria for that choice and
then not look back. It is possible, however, to achieve a great deal of
contentment and peace with your spouse if you practice mindfulness in
your relationship.

Mindfulness in Relationships
What does this look like? In earlier articles, I stated that
mindfulness is “attending nonjudgmentally to all stimuli in the internal
and external environments,” and it turns out that this is arguably the
greatest pathway to satisfaction in relationships. Raising awareness
nonjudgmentally about your irritations over your spouse’s spending
habits, awareness of your spouse’s need for more support with household
chores, your perceptions of the expectation of your mother-in-law about
holiday traditions, and conflicting ideas about ideal parenting
practices allow you to be a dispassionate observer of your inner and
outer circumstances. “There’s that irritation again,” you might say to
yourself, avoiding labeling it as “bad.” Labeling it bad is a practice
which activates the sympathetic nervous system to prepare for fight or
flight.
Instead, as the observer, you are in a position to practice the most
effective optimistic practice, which is to scan the available options,
determine the action that is most likely to yield positive results, and
then take action. This mindful approach activates instead the
parasympathetic nervous system, or the calming response. Wayne Jencke
has written about activating the parasympathetic nervous system, as have
Thayer and Lane. It also leads to more shared positive moments.
What is the goal of this nonjudgmental scanning? The goal is not to
erase the irritation, but to work with it to continue moving forward.
Your irritation with your spouse is like the boulder in the path of a
stream. Beating yourself against the boulder, either through angry
expletives or efforts to “make” him or her do what you want, will not
yield positive results. Instead, you’ll both continue to be stuck at
that spot in the stream.

It might seem that this approach would lead to passivity in the
relationship, but that is not what happens. James W. Carson and
colleagues at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill have found
that people who engage in a mindful approach accurately assess the best
ways to express their emotions, and when to do so. Conflict is not
avoided, but navigated more successfully. Also, a clearer assessment of
behaviors and dynamics leads to a greater chance that you will take
action in unhealthy situations, such as your spouse spending the grocery
money at the casino. As Leon points out, the mindful approach also
does not preclude the expression of joy and passion, but leads instead
to unconditional love. But it does promote, most of all, contentment, a
positive state that gets a bad rap in our culture. Contentment is a
powerful emotion, and is associated with high levels of well-being.
In her new book, Barbara Fredrickson states, “Love springs up anytime
any two or more people connect over a shared positive emotion.”
Mindfulness makes space for shared positive emotions to occur.
So I’d like to propose a mindful approach to Valentine’s Day and love
in general. Why not do what makes sense in your relationship? Maybe
it’s a dozen roses and a night of passionate lovemaking, but maybe it’s
an amiable chat or a few hours spent doing separate but meaningful
activities. And, most of all, excuse yourself of any expectations of the
way love is supposed to be expressed.

Thank you Hajjandumrah I have come to enjoy writing and it appears from my site analytics that others are enjoying reading. I feel myself that the key to the future is to share our stories and learn from one another. For we all better off if we are pulling together and working together than if we are living solely as individuals.I see that this is a time in History that we need to embrace our individual freedom BUT also EMBRACE the communal spirit of togetherness!