4 AM

4 AM comes again I lie here in bed and look out the window. I stare at the brightest star I can see like I do most nights. I often avoid sleep to avoid dreaming but not sleeping is even worse for me. Being awake I guide my own thoughts is more of a pain than any dream I could have.

I reflect on long talks that never happened. On events that could be and every outcome there could be to them. I reflect on events in my life and what I should have done, what I could have done to make things come out how I wished they would. This always leads to the same place. How I feel about myself.

As bad as many thoughts I have are at this time of night in the way that I feel about myself they have improved a little bit. It is not much of a change but any change is good really. Even with the positive change I still feel drained and stressed out after hours of my mind going over everything. My last thoughts are always the same though. What I hope will be, they are good thoughts. Being in a better place where money is not as big an issue as it is and happiness doesn’t seem like something only others have. The last thought though is always of remembering what not being alone felt like.

I have no idea what tomorrow is going to be like let alone anything farther on. But hope is there. If it is not then you may as well just give up.

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Nick, do you realize that in all time, there has never been anyone like you? No one with your finger prints, or your DNA or RNA. You are one-of-a-kind; you have abilities, skills, natural talents that only you have. Those talents do not come from outside yourself, they come from within, and it is your task to reach inside and draw them out. What do you like to see, hear, smell, taste, feel with your heart, feel with your gut? Do you have compassion for yourself and others? Do you want to be healthy? What do you need to do differently to be healthy and happy? Do you have shelter, food, and family, friends that believe in you? What are your qualities? What gives you pride and self-respect?
I ask too many questions, and I do not need answers. These simply are ideas of how you can gain positive, healthy feelings about yourself and others.
If you have people in your life that put you down, discount you, trivialize you, or in any way discourage you, these I call "toxic people". Keep positive, healthy people in your group of family and friends or you will be toxic to yourself.

My step father used to say that I thought too deeply about things. There is some truth in what he said, even into the idea that I'm atheist today. Perhaps you think too deeply also on things, especially things that never happened. For example, I do not like change. I don't like change at all, and want everything to be the same all the time. It's impossible! Today I look back and see that things change every day. I change, you change, we all change. Look at your life as a wonderful painting in progress. Accept and use the daily changes that come in a way that you can learn and add to that painting. At the end of your life you can look back and see a wonderful picture. A person that used and accepted lifes many changes in order to grow beautifully as a person.

Are you aware of how precious your life is? The probability of your having been born at all is very low. The fact that you are conceived, born, living, thinking and doing tells me you have all the basic equipment you need to live a rich and fulfilling life. With eyes to see all the colors and textures, shades, and tones that exist gives you a resource for looking and seeing all that is. With ears to hear the sounds of voices, wind, people walking or driving, and all the tones of music and laughter. You have a nose that smells the aromas of food cooking, fresh air, the different smells of different people, of dogs and cats, and the delight of living. You have taste buds that sense salt, sweet, bitter, and sour , and you can choose those you enjoy and nourish you. You have the feelings of skin touching smooth, rough, prickly, mushy and can enjoy those sensual pleasures. You have feeling/emotions of sad, glad, mad, afraid and each provides a variety in living.

These gifts come to you free, without any effort on your part. You can enjoy them, appreciate them and be grateful for them or you ignore them and take them for granted.

You indicate a lack of money, as if money were the answer to happiness, contentment and compassion. Are you awake of all that comes to you? Do you enjoy what is?

You are unique. No one else is or ever has developed to replicate you. Centuries of genes combined in each generation in order to become you. You have skills, interests, and who you are gives meaning to your name. You, Nick Walker, give meaning to your name. When someone says, "Nick Walker", what does that name mean?

Dreams act as a flag waving to give you a message. The message is to you, and you alone. No one can interpret it for you or tell you what to do. The information comes from inside you. If you feel sad, there is something that needs resolution. If you are mad, something angers you; it doesn't tell you what or why. If you are glad and feel refreshed and renewed you have confirmation through your dreams. If you are afraid, your dreams will keep prodding you until and unless you can face down that which you fear.

I sincerely hope your life smooths out, you feel better about yourself, respect the many gifts you possess, and can find ways to enjoy from wake up, through a satisfying day, and a restful night.