Friday, August 29, 2008

movies i didn't see this summer & why they sucked...

You can't judge a book by its cover, the saying goes, but, honestly, when it comes to Hollywood product, I think it's pretty safe to say you can pretty easily judge how interesting a movie is going to be based on the poster, trailer or even lead performer. In such fashion, here's a list of movies I didn't see this summer and why they sucked, based entirely on my own uninformed opinion.

You Don't Mess with the Zohan- First off, this looked stupid and horrible. Second, my general political outlook makes a movie, a comedy no less, where the hero is an Israeli death squad commando, highly questionable in my eyes. Third, what's the deal with Adam Sandler make such a point of making sure the world knows he isn't gay? First that was that Chuck & Larry movie, which seemed awful, and now this one (and keeping in mind my knowledge of the plot is based entirely on the trailer and the NY Times review), where he's a hyper-macho hairdresser? Methinks the lady doth protest too much. There's that one scene that they showed in every trailer and tv ad over and over again, where he sticks his foot in some guys face and tells him to "smell it, now take it." To me, that seemed gayer than if this were just gay porn. Also, Adam Sandler isn't funny, so I didn't see this movie.

The Promotion- I didn't realize this movie wasn't "Stepbrothers," which I also didn't see.

The Happening- M. Knight Shalaman's just been remaking the same movie over and over again for almost a decade now, and from all appearances, shit keeps getting clunkier each time.

Hulk- I actually would have gone to see this if someone had been like, "Hey, wanna go see the Hulk?" although I was bothered by the fact that this is basically a remake of a film that's only a few years old. Also, I liked the Ang Lee version of the Hulk, which I think most people have started trashing just because everyone else does now (this anti-hype cycle is already starting for the last Superman movie, which is apparently being remade now too).

Get Smart- I thought the trailers for this were a cell phone ad or something. Seriously, this was a real movie?

The Love Guru- Michael Meyers, fishing pathetically for a new catchphrase, at the expense of who? Hindus, the most peaceful religion on Earth? I mean, people who do Yoga are pretty retarded, but making fun of the Hindu religion is like going up to a kindly old man on the street, who's just minding his own business, handing out pieces of hard candy to children, and generally being wise and noble, and kicking him in the balls. Which would probably be right at home in a Michael Meyers movie. Seriously, though, why does so much humor these days have to be at the expense of a race, religion or some minority group? I'm glad Hindu groups protested this and I'm glad it flopped. Oh, and just because Justin Timberlake is your fucking coke buddy, doesn't make him funny.

Hancock- I actually wanted to see this, but I didn't. Sorry, sometimes I like lame shit.

The Wackness- I was a teenager during the summer of 1994 and I hated white hip-hop kids who dealt pot back then, don't know why I'd have any more use for them now.

Hellboy 2- I would have gone to see this too, but my asshole friend who was going to go with me went without me, so fuck him. You hear that, Eric? Fuck you! You owe me a movie...

Journey to the Center of the Earth- Didn't realize this wasn't made for the Sci-Fi Channel...

Meet Dave- I have nothing funny to say about this one. It just didn't look that good...

Harold- Actually wanted to see this, didn't realize it had come out already. Next time, buy some posters or something...

Dark Knight- I really hated the last Batman movie. Too violent, too much kung fu, not enough detective-ing (Batman's supposed to be the world's greatest detective y'know. He's also a scientist), and it looked ugly as shit- too much golden brown light. I've never liked the all-black costume- they don't fuck with the togs when they make a Superman movie, do they? What's his face reminds me way too much of himself in "American Psycho" to really pull off Batman or Bruce Wayne for me- he's got problems, but he's still basically supposed to be a good guy, y'know? The trailer for this one looked boring as hell. I never thought Heath Ledger was that good an actor, and from what I've seen in this, he was just aping Jack Nicholson in the Tim Burton Batman movie (sorry, but the only good Jokers have really been Ceasar Romero in the 60s show, even with the moustache, and Mark Hamill on the animated show, who was really the best for my money). I even saw not-Siskel (whatever the fuck his name is, not-Ebert, either. Roper. Roeper?) on At the Movies basically praise Ledger for his Nicholson impersonation without ever realizing it (he was praising his "Chicago accent," which basically is drawn out and nasal, like Jack Nicholson). From outside appearances, this film just looked BAD to me, and nothing I've heard about it, even from those who lavished excess praise upon it, has made my interest in it anymore. And I really like Batman, the character. But these movies leave me cold. I'll see it eventually, I'm sure, but anything that so many people like so much has to have something wrong with it, like McDonalds, or Ronald Reagan...

Mamma Mia- There's no reason on Earth I could possible imagine for my seeing this movie. It may be great. I'll never know.

Step Brothers- I think I've reached my limit on Will Ferrell movies. They're basically all the same (except the occasional bid at respectability ala "Stranger than Fiction") and they've been getting progressively less funny since "Anchorman." I'll probably watch this when it hits the cable.

X-Files- I've only seen like 2 episodes of the X-Files show. It just never caught my interest.

The Mummy- Once again, didn't realize this wasn't made for the Sci-Fi Channel.

Swing Vote- What was this movie even about? Political parodies have to actually be about something. Is it in any way possible for a presidential election to come down to one vote? Was this a science-fiction story? Isn't Kevin Costner banned from doing science-fiction films? And doesn't he really, really kind of suck anyway? And, I forget if it was on the Daily Show or Real Time with Bill Mahr, didn't I see him pretty much announce he was apolitical? So why would I want to see a movie about nothing with no point-of-view? And isn't the sort of snarky, insider-y, behind-the-scenes look at the political process a really, really tired cliche at this point? It was bad enough when Robin Williams made a shitty movie like this last year. So, yeah, fuck "Swing Vote." Make a movie called "Vote for Obama" and I'll watch that, except I probably won't, because I already know why I want to vote for Obama.

Pineapple Express- As a young white male, I am legally obligated to see this film, but god help me I'd like to avoid it for as long as possible. I just don't find those "frat pack" motherfuckers very funny. In fact, I find them kind of repellant. And I used to like them when they were "Freaks & Geeks," when they were kind of like the underdogs. But now they're superstars and it turns out they're just as shitty and gross as everyone else making movies. So fuck 'em.

Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2- The only reason I could think to see this is because I find some of the actresses in it really attractive, but that's really, really not enough to make me sit through this...

Elegy- How many uninteresting movies can Ben Kingsley make in a year? Apparently, several. (I know this entry probably stopped being funny a while ago, but I made a list, and I want to get through it. If you get bored and stop reading, I'll never know.)...

What We Do Is Secret- Once again, I wanted to see this, but didn't realize it was playing (about four blocks away from my apartment, no less) until after it was already gone. No ads, no posters, I don't even think they showed it for a full week. Guess maybe I'll catch it on DVD...

Mirrors- God, how many times can they make the same bad horror movie over and over again? This isn't even a remake of a Japanese or Korean film, as far as it I know, it just looks like one. Which makes it a knock off of a knock off. And it's done by the guy who made "Haute Tension," which I thought was really pretty lame. Also, Keifer Sutherland? Was Charlie Sheen too busy? Couldn't get Emilio Estevez? (yeah, I know 24 is really popular, but it's also pro-torture right-wind propaganda bullshit made by Fox News demon Joel Surnow, so fuck it).

Star Wars- Whatever the new one is called. The last Star Wars movie I really liked was Empire Strikes Back. I didn't even really go for Return of the Jedi when it came out, and i was like five. I'm just not a Star Wars fan.

Vicky Christina Barcelona- I think I used this joke already, but Woody Allen hasn't made a good movie since "Crimes & Misdemeanors," and really hasn't made a watchable movie since "Deconstructing Harry." This one looks unbearable.

The Rocker- I don't know. I just looks pretty bad. I could probably sit through it though. At least Jack Black isn't in it.

Death Race- The Paul Bartel film "Death Race 2000" that this is based on is one of my favorite movies of all time. This remake looks like it's been robbed of all of the humor, intellligence and exploitation savvy that the late Bartel and Roger Corman, producer of the original film, brought to the plate. Really, the whole existence of this watered-down, in-name-only remake kind of offends me. Also, how many gritty, tough guy action films does that British dude need to be in a year? Or really any British guy, there's like one of them coming out a week with Jason Statham or Vinnie Jones or the James Bond guy. And they're all exactly the same. Anyway, fuck Death Race and everybody who had anything to do with it. I hope they all get herpes or something. Actually, they all probably all already have herpes. I hope they all stub their toes every time they get up to get in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom for the rest of their lives. Except they're all Hollywood cocksuckers so they're up all night doing coke off of hookers' asses anyway. Anyway, fuck Death Race.

the House Bunny- From what I can tell, this movie is about a semi-retarded Playboy playmate who moves in with a bunch of smart, socially-awkward but basically really cute, different, individualistic girls and teaches them how to attract men by being more like Playboy bunnies. So, yeah, that's a message for Hollywood to be sending out to all the young girls (and young boys, and older boys and girls, and men and women) who see this movie. A fucking horrible, detestible, culture-crushing message. Sometimes just being alive in this media culture fills me with such a horrible, sinking feeling, I just want to bury my head under the covers and cry for days on end. Sometimes I come pretty close. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'll never have another girlfriend again for as long as I live, because I'm horrible and so is life, so why do I even worry about what gender messages the culture is implanting in people's brains these days? I guess I'm just still all humanistic and shit. But seriously, I'm going to die alone. Hey, prove me wrong. I dare you. No, seriously, prove me wrong. Please, somebody, prove me wrong...

The Longshots- This movie was directed by Fred Durst. The guy from Limp Bizkit, or however the fuck that's spelled. I will probably never watch another movie produced by the Weinstein Company ever again. Seriously, if anybody sees this movie I'm going to find out who they are and slap them.

Ok,so, yeah, life sucks and so do all these movies, maybe. I don't know, I'll probably never see most of them, and now you know why, and know just a little bit more about what makes me the horrible person I am.

Thanks for reading, Brian! I like to give Woody Allen an extra hard time because his followers are so fanatical, and because the movies of his I like, I like them a lot, but the movies of his I don't like, I just find them awful. There's not a lot of middle ground.