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Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Living With Bipolar Disorder: One Black Woman Shares Her Story

I have always been a person that was sort of flighty. I never wanted to
conform to anything or any group of people when I was younger. I always
fought hard for my independence from my family and from friends as well.
For carrying out this attitude and way of thinking, I have had the sign
of “CRAZY” placed around my neck by a number of people, be they family
or friends. I never thought of myself as crazy, until a few days after I
had my daughter.

I gave birth to my first child when I was about 21 years old. I loved
being pregnant and had a ball with thought of being a new mommy and
starting a new life with my then fiancé. I finally gave birth after
being over 3 weeks past due and had my little girl that I knew I was
going to have from the first moment I was told that I was pregnant. The
second night in the hospital, I found myself crying like a mad woman,
for apparently no good reason. During that same night, I had my first
panic attack. I requested that only certain nurses touch my daughter,
and that my fiancé sleep when I was awake and vice versa. I should have
known something was wrong with me then, but was constantly told that it
was just the “baby blues” and that it would all pass when I got home and
got some rest.

After being at home for a month with my baby, we had a very violent
thunderstorm in my town. I remember the storm because I had to take my
fiancé to work and had my new baby in the car. The next thing I
remember, I was pulling up to the hospital parking lot looking for a
spot to park in. The fear of the storm drove me into some seriously
dangerous and irrational behaviors. I would have moments in time, when
crying was the order of the day and in some cases, the order of the
week. I would then get bursts of energy that would lead me into doing
things that were both silly and in some cases dangerous and destructive
on a personal level. I would become a daredevil in my car, driving at
speeds that would make anyone question my sanity. I would drink
dangerous levels of alcohol and because I was on this “high” I never
felt I was drunk or could get drunk. I paid dearly for that each morning
I awoke. I went on for two years doing things like this, all while
taking care of my daughter and preparing to get married.

After the wedding and learning that I was pregnant with my son, the
highs and lows got worse. I started hearing voices and became extremely
paranoid. At my lowest point, I spent three weeks in the bed, with my
head under the covers, only coming out to have my husband give me a bath
or shower and to attempt to eat. It was at this time, that he made the
hard decision to put me into the hospital for observation. We were
blessed to have his mother, who took both of our children and kept them
until we found out what was wrong with me.

After being evaluated, I was diagnosed with severe depression and
bipolar disorder. It was at that moment, that every voice I had ever
heard call me crazy came back to me. I started to look at that word in a
totally different manner. Did they see this in me before I did? Did
they know I was not mentally well?

The road of mental health treatment has been a rocky one for me. I have
been on just about every mental health medication known to man. Some of
them lead me to feel better on a temporary basis; others made me even
sicker than I already was. Today, I take nothing and instead opt for
behavioral approaches to modify my swings of mood. I have also learned
my triggers and have worked very hard to get over the irrational
thoughts and fears that haunted me all of my life, but especially during
this 12 year time span.

It was during that time, that I learned a few things about dealing with
mental health issues.

1. You cannot pray this away!!!!!!!!!!! I know people will get
mad at me for saying this, and that’s fine, but the fact is that you
cannot pray depression away from you. Prayer and meditation have been
known to work to help clear the mind for some who are dealing with
depression and other mental health issues, but prayer alone will not
cure you.2. Listening to people tell you that nothing is wrong with you will
set you up for failure in treatment. My mother was convinced that I
was “just acting” and I needed to pull myself together. Even as I sat in
the hospital in the psych ward, she was convinced that it was all an
act and that “we” don’t have all these problems. She also managed to
make my weight an issue as well. (I eventually had her removed from my
visitors list!)3. Black folks have to drop the attitude and stigma behind mental
health care. I found that a number of the nurses on the psych floor
who were black acted as though the white girls in my ward were actually
sick, but gave me a totally different set of treatment. I guess their
attitude is that, white women are supposed to be weak, but we are
supposed to be stronger than this. The fact is that we suffer from
mental illness in our community in large numbers and we tend to go
untreated because we dismiss things as being crazy. That word is
dismissive and a great way to not have to deal with someone or their
issues. 4. Good alternative treatments our out there, but you have to be your
own advocate. I know a great deal of people have issues with taking
pills and I am one of them. There are a number of really wonderful
techniques that are designed to treat depression and other mental
illnesses that have nothing to do with medication. Medication is needed
in some cases, but there are other options that can be used to help you
need less medication. Being your own advocate and educating yourself is
the key.5. THIS IS A REAL ILLNESS!!!! Mental illness is just like high
blood pressure, diabetes and any other physical illness that we suffer
with in our community. We must realize to better serve our own needs and
get the adequate help that we need.
Today, I am studying different methods of treatment with out medication
in order to assist myself in coping with day to day issues. I still have
my highs and lows, but they are not nearly as dangerous to me or my
family. I have learned to notice when they are coming and deal with them
before they happen. I still have to take medication for anxiety, but
that is on an as needed basis, which is a far shot from where I was 12
years ago. Every day, it gets easier and easier to live and laugh and
mean it.

I share this story to let black women know that there is help for you.
If you feel you need assistance, there are a number of really good web
sources you can turn to for help. The first step is reaching out for
help, as with any other illness, you need to consult your doctor and
start the process. Things will get better, with hard work and
determination, you can learn to live with this and still have a
productive and wonderful life.

Michelle is a
Midwestern girl, with a Southern heart and a bit of an eccentric streak
running through her. Along with being a wife and mother of 2, she also
wears the hats of student, counselor, life coach,cook, friend and
occasional matchmaker, all while keeping a Zen like approach to life
and all that comes with it. Balance and comedy are the keys to keeping
life interesting and livable and she has ALMOST mastered both.

SCLC TODAY

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