Serbia banned from World Conker Championships

Serbia has been disqualified from this year's World Conker Championships which kicks off in Accrington Town Hall this weekend.

Inspectors from the World Conker Council yesterday discovered gross irregularities in dozens of Serbian conkers, scheduled for use in Saturday morning's Round One against England Under 21's. Of those submitted for random testing, ten were found with solid black innards. A sure sign they had been illegally dipped in vinegar and baked in an oven.

“One look at their skin and I knew they were cheating,” said Len Grandly, WCC Match Referee.

“A conker's skin should be clean and clear. Gently tanned with a healthy waxen sheen and a well defined blonde circle at the crown of the nut,” Grandly explained. “But these Serbian conkers were coarse and wrinkly, showing sure signs of being blackened in a gas oven.”

Serbian coach, Ratko Slobodzic later admitted his team's conkers were hard as nails. But vehemently denied cheating. “Our beautiful Balkan horse-chestnuts were suffering from sunburn brought on by exposure to your unreliable British weather,” he claimed.

You're clearly thinking of the Amateur Conker Championships which indeed used to be held in Ashton. But have since moved several miles away to the Ship Inn, Oundle. You can trust me on this. Accrington Town Hall in the venue for the Professional World Title. :)

Pinxit. Mmm I take your point. And many thanks. I'd obviously have used a comedy twist had one occurred. Always would. But in the absence of same, I went for the direct satirical hit – making the Serbian coach's excuse even crazier than the ones used for the disgraceful scenes at the football.

You're clearly thinking of the Amateur Conker Championships which indeed used to be held in Ashton. But have since moved several miles away to the Ship Inn, Oundle. You can trust me on this. Accrington Town Hall in the venue for the Professional World Title. :)

Bloody hell, I hadn't realised that conkers had split along pro and am lines. I used to go to the event in Ashton, 'cos I lived nearby and was going out with a lass who lived in the village. On my last visit, I wasn't allowed in the sponsor's tent without accreditation. After that my interest in conkers, waned, along with my interest in the lass from Ashton...