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11/19/11, 5:00 EST - The Republican Social Values [Debate], now with 600% more Wingnut!

Welcome to the 579th republican debate thread at Penny Arcade. Tonight it's the "Thanksgiving Family Forum – A Family Discussion with the Republican Candidates” the candidates are debating in the First Federated Church, at Des Moines, Iowa, over social values. Well, supposedly it's not a debate, it's a "discussion", but obviously it's a debate.
Yes, that's right, they're in a church, in Iowa, in a debate sponsored by CitizenLink (the family advocacy arm of Focus on the Family) and the National Organization for Marriage. But wait, there's more! The moderator will be Frank Luntz, Republican establishment pollster and Fox News contributor. I hope you like your red meat, because this one's gonna be straight off the bone and bloody.

But wait, you say! I do enjoy listening to republicans blaming gay people for their own lack of monogamy, but I'm still not sure if this debate is going to be quite crazy enough! Please, isn't there anything else?

Of course! Tonight there will be no Huntsman or Romney! Romney because he probably doesn't want to alienate general election voters, and Huntsman because he hasn't yet sold his basic human dignity. So it's gonna be all wingnut all night! 100% pure, unadulterated crazypants!

Defending the sanctity of marriage tonight are:

Michelle Bachmann. Her husband has mentioned the natural curiosity that all male teens have about homosexuality, and that we simply have to repress those fabulous desires and marry a beard instead. Or, err, open a gay-rehabilitation clinic. Right. Repress repress repress. Please don't point out to Mrs. Bachmann that her husband is totally gay.

Herman Cain has been accused of sexual misconduct by 6 different women! Tonight we find out why it's all part of the homosexual conspiracy against former pizza magnates.

Rick Perry married his elementary school(!) sweetheart and they've been married for almost 30 years. Unfortunately he's probably going to forget her name in this debate. He's also executed a couple dudes in Texas who were probably innocent, which is not going to be mentioned tonight.

Rick Santorum is an a-hole, and I have no idea what's going on in this picture. He's been voted "most likely to get arrested picking up a gay prostitute" for the last 10 years running.

Newt Gingrich loves heterosexual marriage so much he's been married 3 times. And he's an admitted adulterer. He's also a converted Roman Catholic. Supposedly.

Gosh, you're probably saying, this debate sounds like a giant orgy of hypocrisy! Why would I willingly subject myself to this?
This is Ron Paul. He's gonna be at the debates too. Everyone is going to hate him and he doesn't give a shit.
He may look like a garden gnome, he may not understand how the Fed works, and he would wreck the economy if he were ever elected.
But he's still television gold. Expect the moderator to try to pretend he doesn't exist.

There's a couple ways to watch:
It'll supposedly show up on the front page of citizenlink.com
It'll also get streamed from Facebook.com/CitizenLink
And the audio will be streamed on http://www.bottradionetwork.com/

Posts

There's a couple ways to watch:
It'll supposedly show up on the front page of citizenlink.com
It'll also get streamed from Facebook.com/CitizenLink
And the audio will be streamed on http://www.bottradionetwork.com/