It better be one hell of a prenup

Did you ever get that knot in your stomach when you discovered your ex had moved on before you’d won the lottery, earned an Oscar or bedded Clooney?

Yeah, that’s me right now.

I mean, I knew we were never meant to be. There’s no way Gavin and I could co-habitate much less get each other’s jokes. He’s too slapstick for me. Gavin picks up litter. I barely recycle. Gavin chats with hobos. I throw change and run. Gavin loves kids. I tried to tie my own tubes with a chopstick and a nail clipper.

I get it. We’re incompatible.

The only real things we have in common are alcohol, leave-in conditioner and a love of fine Italian lightweight wool.

But still, I wanted to be the one to move on first. It’s a matter of pride, for christsakes. We all know I was planning to end our unhealthy, one-sided relationship anyway. Gavin just beat me to it. I can even handle his righteous mug splashed across the news, single-handedly thwarting internet terrorism in his free time, reminding me of his incredibly hot, one-man quest for justice.

Jesus, he doesn’t even know specifically where he’s going on his honeymoon to Africa. She’s just going to “show him around.”

Fine. If that’s the way you want it Newsom, it’s ON. I just watched “Waiting to Exhale” and I’m suddenly empowered. Prepare yourself, barstool. Get ready to see me everywhere, reminding you of this undiscovered treasure you gave up. I’ll be stumbling out of Le Club with some sleazebag, vomiting all over your wingtips any day now. Jealous? I’ll be exploring my myriad of techie conventioneer one night stand options while you’re stuck at home watching Gilmore Girls with the Missus. Regretful? I’ll be spilling your tea (gay term for revealing gossip) on View from the Bay just as soon as they’ll remove my name from the verboten list. Concerned?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Hey. You know, “at least you’re happy.”

Oh please. Who’m I kidding? We’re SO still sleeping together.

Call me.

Beth Spotswood describes herself as “The 30-year-old equivalent of Dorothy from The Golden Girls.” She spends her free time pretending not to stare at crazy people screaming on San Francisco’s sidewalks. Originally from Marin, Beth now lives in the Mission and doesn’t get why people are so into burritos. You can find Beth here every Wednesday at noon, and at I’ll Flip You. Flip You For Real, where “The opinions expressed are ridiculous and in no way reflect anything of value. Do not take them seriously…”