Archive for October, 2010

Went and saw Jackass 3D last night. If you’d told me as a kid that someday I would be sitting in a movie theater with 3D glasses on watching a butt made to look like a hillside shoot out feces in slow motion while a model train chugged contentedly past, I would have gone to find a grownup.

Also, I have to admit that reading the search terms that bring people here makes me feel a little inadequate. Not only do I have absolutely no pornography to offer, not even space barbarian slashfic, I don’t know how to pronounce Adam Cadre (“veerschpelt gefracht?”), how to hide cigarette smoke in a windowless room (stand on a block of ice?), or what diseases you can catch from sausage (sausagetosis? I don’t know! Ask Doctor Hotdog!)

What do we not want to do next? I think there are a couple horror games kicking around. Let’s see, there’s one with a mysterious woman, one with an infection that has spread and a they that are coming, and one with a 15-year-old girl who awakens from her normal life into a nightmare, assuming it’s semantically possible to awaken into a nightmare. That last one sounds like the most likely to freak my shit right out, plus it’s on some kind of crazy Apple IIe emulator or somesuch! (Wait, does that mean the 15-year-old girl is now 42 years old?)

Hmm, what else have we got that we don’t want to do? Oh, this sounds good:

An explosion rattles the Aegis mining station and the oxygen tanks are leaking. Who gets the remaining oxygen and who will perish? The choice is up to you, a lowly technician trapped in an access conduit.

If there are two things I don’t enjoy, they’re being trapped in an access conduit and having to decide who lives and who dies. I feel as though that is a decision best left up to Santa Claus, who is probably also more comfortable in an access conduit, given that that’s one possible way to describe a chimney.

For the next however many games on the list, I’m going to tackle the ones I really don’t want to play, in order of how much their blurb makes them sound depressing and/or traumatizing, and a game about “living under the Stalin era, in four parts,” sounds like a clear winner. I don’t even want to play one part of a game about living under the Stalin era. That does not sound like fun. That does not sound like something that is even the remotest of acquaintances with fun. If fun invited this game to a party, this game would be all “Dude, I just got a party invite from this fun character. Who is he and why is he friends with me on Facebook? Also, what is a party? Does it involve torture and genocide and the screams of babies?”

I am just saying that I don’t like things that are depressing, is all.

Chessmen cookies! I forgot I bought these! Oh my God chessmen cookies! Erin the person who I don’t know what her job title is said her brother once got his hand caught in the machine that seals those Pepperidge Farm bags to the point of inopenability and he had foil stuck to his bones. I asked her if they pulled too hard trying to get it off and all his organs sprayed across the room, but she said no. Oh man chessmen cookies. This is exciting.

What? These cookies do not feature chessmen! These cookies are all covered in mistletoe and wreaths and shit! It is not Christmas! I am not ready for it to be Christmas! That settles it. I’ll have to eat them all.

Also, I think that means God wants us to play a Bible game. You know. The one about Christmas.

Okay, goddammit, no more Minecraft until all these comp games have been played and reviewed. You know what I just spent six hours doing? Filling an ocean with gravel, God help us all.

You know what playing Minecraft is like, more than anything? Have you ever started reading a book in the afternoon, continued reading into twilight, and then suddenly some well-meaning person turns on the lights in the room and you realize how dark it had gotten and how sore your eyes are? Imagine that happening every thirty seconds. That is what Minecraft is like. Also I have never done any heroin but that is probably another thing that Minecraft is like. I half-seriously suspect it of being an alien mind virus.

Minecraft is the alien mind virus, I mean, not heroin. Heroin is the thing that aliens used to come down in their pie tin to buy until Margaret showed them how much tastier the brain chemicals produced during orgasm are. Remember that; it’ll be on the test.

It’s natural, when first handed some sort of creative tool, to use it to model things you’re familiar with. This is why there are so many children’s crayon drawings of houses. (I am personally guilty of having rendered the office both partially in Fallout 3 and completely in Sims 3, complete with a little sim me and a little sim Riff, to whom I gave the “Loner” trait and who consequently got a bonus to his mood whenever little sim me wasn’t around, which made actual me feel sort of odd.) Making an in-my-apartment game as your first IF is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s just that everyone has decided they absolutely are not interested in your shitty apartment game because it has a very good chance, based on all of their previous experience with shitty apartment games, of being garbage. Still, there’s only one way to find out.