Monday, April 12, 2010

Pain in the Past, Hope for the Future

Yesterday, I had a sudden insight into something that I thought I had already accepted and assimilated: the fact that I have caused terrible pain to the people I cared most about.

I thought I had already owned that, and owned up to it, but suddenly it sank in just a bit deeper, the false hope and disappointment I had created by my careless actions.

It is hard to accept that reality. Apparently I can only do it in small increments.

Still, the reality is what it is. I did do those things, and I had that effect. All I can do now is to admit to what I have done, apologize for it, and try to do better in years to come.

I know that I am not saying anything that I haven't said before, but periodically I can see these things that I am saying again more clearly.

Quakers have a way of saying, "I'll hold him in the Light" to mean they will be praying for him. My wife and I have a joke, "We'll hold him in the Light so God can see him better". But maybe when I am held in the Light, it helps me see more clearly, too. And maybe I have been granted a bit of enlightenment, in spite of everything.

Life is full of surprises. This blog (and its predecessor, misterniceguy1960) was originally created for me to advertise for a lover. Later, it served as a brag-diary about my sexual exploits. Now, I am committed to a monogamous relationship with my wife. Surprise.