3 ways you're getting in the way of your own happiness

The quest to live in a state of perpetual joy is nothing new, but it could also be a fast-track to misery.

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Are you happy? Really happy? Right now you should be experiencing a moment of self-existential angst as you ponder ways to attain perpetual happiness. It’s not your fault: The need to feel happy all the time is sold to us through movies, music and shelves of bestsellers. In a series of studies at Berkeley University in the US, researchers found those who placed the most value on happiness showed the greatest drop in progesterone in their saliva – a hormonal response linked to loneliness. It seems our active pursuit of happiness could actually be making us miserable…. And this is exactly how.

We expect to feel it all the time

“Happiness is an emotion like anger, frustration or sadness and it’s one that comes and goes, but we’ve somehow hand-picked this feeling and tried to make it our perpetual state,” Dr Adam Fraser, a human performance expert and the author of The Third Space, says. “Saying ‘I want to be happy all the time’ is as ridiculous as saying, ‘I want to be angry all the time.’”

Psychologist and CEO of The Happiness Institute Dr Tim Sharp (aka Dr Happy) has long been a cheerleader for the pursuit of happiness, but even he questions whether our focus on this emotion is realistic. “If you expect to be happy all the time, then you’ll almost always fail,” he says.

Do this instead:

Seek out challenge, even if it’s uncomfortable. If we make chasing happiness our life-long state, we also tend to avoid things that challenge us.

“We’re now telling ourselves to run away from things that don’t make us feel good, but this then limits our ability to evolve and grow as human beings,” Fraser says.

He recommends reframing happiness in your mind so that you stop focusing on it as a state rather than the emotion it is. “Instead of asking yourself ‘Am I happy?’, ask ‘Am I feeling fulfilled?’, ‘Am I challenging myself?’, and ‘Am I evolving as a person?’” he says.

We think a big win is all we need

Adding to our unrealistic expectations is our tendency to overestimate the emotional impact of positive life events, and incorrectly assume something such as a big promotion or a new house will change how we feel indefinitely.

For example, a study of lottery winners from Northwestern University and the University of Massachusetts in the US found that sudden wealth didn’t appear to make people feel more joyful in the long term. In fact, a study from Princeton University’s Woodrow Wilson School in the US found that an income of US$75,000 (AU$98,000) appears to be the benchmark for happiness, with those earning over that figure reporting no extra increase in daily positive emotions.

And it appears that one intensely happy moment (such as a huge lottery win) means we then spend the rest of our lives evaluating smaller, daily successes against a higher standard.

So says Brett Q Ford, a professor of psychology at the University of Toronto in Canada: “As people pursue happiness, they may monitor their attainment of this goal and the act of monitoring can impair their ability to actually achieve happiness,” she says. “The simple act of observation can alter this phenomenon.”

Do this instead:

Reset your standards and practise gratitude. “If you’re unsure of what actually makes you happy, it may be beneficial to learn about and engage in activities that give you joy.” Ford says. Writing down reasons to be grateful on a daily basis is a good place to start.

We mistake stuff for happiness

If you’ve been dreaming about having better clothes or a bigger car, you could be falling into the trap of living a life of hedonism, not happiness, Sharp says.

“Happiness isn’t just about feeling good, but also doing good, so it’s not just about your emotions but includes living a meaningful and purposeful life.”

Indeed, four studies from Cornell University in the US show that spending money on objects makes us happy only momentarily, however, spending money on experiences that add to the richness of our life can be longer-lasting. “This is because our experiences make up a larger part of who we are than our material goods, author of the studies, Professor Tom Gilovich, says.

Do this instead:

Help others. “Wealth and the accumulation of nice things aren’t entirely bad, but the benefits we gain from them are relatively short-lived and superficial,” Sharp says.

“In contrast, investing in experiences, living life to the full, learning and sharing, and being part of something greater than ourselves as individuals have all been shown to contribute to longer-lasting and more deep-and-meaningful forms of ‘happiness’.”

Try these easy ways to boost your mood

Go for a bush walk

Many studies show that walking is good for our health, but walking in nature is particularly good for our state of mind. A study from Stanford University in the US found it reduces mental rumination, which can lead to depression.

Listen to music

It doesn’t matter if it’s pop or heavy metal, when you listen to music you love, it puts your brain into a feelgood state, a study in the journal Nature Neuroscience revealed.

Book a dinner date

This boosts your mood in two ways. The anticipation of the event, then the dinner itself – a shared experience with a loved one – making this a double dose of happiness, Sharp says.

Call a close friend

A study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that interacting with someone you’re close to – rather than simply an acquaintance – makes you happier.

Watch funny videos

A study from the University of Oxford in the UK found that laughter doesn’t just indicate happiness, it also creates it by releasing endorphins.

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