There can be only One

How do you know when you have found "the one"? Like I have any freaking idea. I think I thought I'd found the one at least four times before now.

The first time I was 20, and there was nothing about the relationship that you could call healthy, supportive, nurturing....nothing. It was, in short, obsession, on both our parts. He and I were looking for something, but it wasn't us. It was intense, passionate, disconcerting, and never, ever safe.

The second one was me fleeing from guy number one. This guy was everything number one wasn't -- he was safe, he was boring, he was kind, he was totally uncreative, he was totally unchallenging...but he professed to love me. No one else had ever done that and seemed to mean it. I grasped that with desperation. I didn't really believe anyone on earth would ever feel that way about me ever, so obviously he had to be they mythical "one", right? Well, no. In my frantic effort to escape the insanity that was me and Number One, I'd lurched into the single most dull and unexciting relationship of all time. I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel special, and I sure as hell didn't feel cherished. And ultimately, I had *no* passion for this man.

The third one looked great on paper: law student at a great law school, pedigreed undergrad degree, spoke four languages, had an incredible career ahead of him, and more money than anyone I'd ever dated before. He wanted to spoil me, and at first, I let him. But after a while, I realized that was all he could do. We had that initial burst of physical interest that comes with the beginning of a relationship, but ultimately, I honest to God was repelled by the idea of having sex with this guy. Worse, he had no idea who I really was, what I was about, and had no apparent interest in finding out -- I, it seemed, was great on paper as well. I broke up with him repeatedly, but everyone kept telling me how wrong I was and that the only reason I would throw this guy away was because I was afraid of commitment. And I bought it for a while...but again, I ultimately knew that all that would happen if I married this guy was I'd be divorced within a very short period of time.

The fourth guy...well, I was insane. He was insane. He'd lost a friend the summer before we met, and I was losing my brother, so we latched onto one another to try to fill those spaces. He had the added benefit of coming with a huge family -- something I'd always lacked and always wanted. His friends *loved* me. LOVED me. And at that time in my life, I believed something at that time that wasn't true (which I wouldn't find out until years later), and because of that belief I honestly thought I would never do any better than him. What breaks my heart about that the most about him is that after the mourning for what-could-have-been at the end of the marriage, I felt utterly nothing for this man. Not love, not hate, just total indifference. I see him now and feel nothing more than a twinge of recognition and the feeling that I should feel something more than I did.

So there you are. Four times I thought I knew and each time I had an agenda, no matter how subconscious. Number One, earn the love and approval my parents never gave me. Number Two, give me the safety and security that Number One couldn't. Number Three, make everyone else happy. And Number Four, replace my family. The lesson: either I needed something or they needed something from me, but it was never just for itself.

So...why this time? Why is this different?

This time, I came into this complete on my own. I know that's been said before by someone else, but seriously (no pun intended here), finally, I felt *done.* I was meeting my own needs. I'm definitely not 100% secure about myself, but I no longer felt the need to justify myself or defend my choices in my life. I was capable of being alone and giving up company if it wasn't what I wanted it to be. I was, and am, paying my own bills, I have a career and a life of my own that has *nothing* to do with anyone but me. I bought a house and am slowly making it my home. Anyone or anything that came into my life at this point wasn't going to fill any need, but simply add to what was already complete.

This time, I don't have any agenda or need he's filling in me. I won't lie and say I wasn't lonely when I found him; hell, I was on a dating website (and let's be honest folks: pretty much anyone who is reading this is at least the same kind of lonely on some level, otherwise you wouldn't be here in the first place). And I won't apologize that I was looking for someone to love when I met him. But even my best friend has mentioned that, while I was driving to our date, I expressed *very little hope* for the event. I did not expect what I found with him, and frankly, I never would have expected to find that *ever* in my life. All I know is, it was sudden, undeniable, and I've have *never* recognized someone the way I recognized him.

I honestly believe I have finally found *the one*, finally, because there is nothing more here than a strong, intense and undeniable feeling that I've found something real and amazing that has nothing to do with anything missing in me and everything with how special and wonderful he is just for himself. That, my friends, is very, very different.

What a great post. Your second one sounds like my future ex...he was safe for me I think...and after the initial physical stuff, I thought I should stay because he treated me better than other men. But I was young, 22.

I didn't feel loved, I didn't feel special, and I sure as hell didn't feel cherished. And ultimately, I had *no* passion for this man.

That sums it up for me..he said he loved me, etc.- but those are just words.

I have never met your man in person but just from reading him I know what a unique,passionate, fun, and sensitive man he is (even though he claims to be a narcissist).

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