Found my fiancé on dating sites and apps

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Dear Guys,

I found that my fiancé searched for AND joined dating and hook up sites and also went on Craigslist personals and downloaded Kik app and a gay app. I found several more later. He did this all on his phone at work. Also after being engaged for a few weeks he joined POF with no profile pic but favorited about 100 women, although I’m not sure if he messaged them or not.

We have been engaged a year now and have been together a total of four. We are both in our fifties, and both have been married before. Reluctantly he confessed to it all stating that he wanted to see what was out there and felt the need to talk dirty to women and also have normal talks with women. He says he was bored at work and we were arguing alot and I seemed unhappy which made him unhappy. But he said the main reason was because I told him that he could probably find someone else more attractive and athletic than me. (I have self esteem issues and he knows this.)

So for a week he gave me his phone and said I could keep it with me, but then changed his mind and said he needed his phone to take to work for phone calls but promised me that he won’t go looking anymore. (He expects me to trust him??) He says everyday I can do a search through his phone but I think he will just hide his searches so I won’t be able to see them. Also the day after he took his phone back I searched it and he went to Google Incognito so I couldn’t see what he searched. He says he had to make sure he had closed out a dating site. (I don’t really believe that!)

Now he says we need to cease talking about any of what happened and move forward. Everytime I ask more questions he gets all mad and says it’s over for our relationship because I won’t let it go. I think it’s possible he has been on these sites the whole four years and he may be addicted. He says he’s not addicted nor has he met up or done anything physical. I suggested counseling and he said okay, but I’m frankly so hurt by this because he has always said how much he loves me and wants only me and he’s happy with me in every way and I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. Now I don’t think I can ever fully trust him again. I feel so much anxiety and I fear that if I stay with him this will eventually happen again.

Your thoughts?

Jean

Dear Jean,

We can understand why you’re so upset. You’ve been betrayed by the person whom you planned to spend the rest of your life with. That would be unsettling to anyone. But understand something. This is about him, not you. We know you mentioned that you have self-esteem issues, but that doesn’t give him the green light to sneak around behind your back.

The question here is all about whether or not you think you’ll be able to trust him again. He’s admitted to his actions, shown some remorse, apologized, and shown that he’s willing to take steps to rectify the situation. All of those things are positive signs, but they don’t erase what happened. So the bigger question Jean is, WHY did he feel the need to explore these sites and apps? Maybe he doesn’t fully understand it himself, but in order for you to get your relationship back on track—if it’s even possible—the two of you need to figure out the answer to that question. Is it because he’s unhappy? Is he not satisfied sexually? Does he need more than you’re able to give him? Is he insecure, and need constant approval from many different people? Is he possibly gay or interested in exploring that side of him?

Depending on what the issue is, you might be able to work through this, preferably with a professional to help guide you. But some of these issues, might be difficult to work through. A lot depends on how self-aware he is, and his ability to articulate his feelings and needs. And of course you.

In the end Jean, this is going to come down to you. Maybe he’s talked about breaking up, but it seems that he’s not willing to follow that up with action. Which means, that how this plays out has a lot to do with what you want and need. Some questions to ask yourself: Am I able to forgive? Can I move past this betrayal and trust him again? Am I okay, knowing that he was talking to other women, and possibly men? And more importantly: What do I need from a relationship? What do I need from my partner? What do I need to be happy and fulfilled in my relationship?

We understand that you’re in your 50s, and that’s different than dating in your 20s. Meaning, the pool of possible candidates is smaller. However, relationships at any age require mutual respect and trust. Don’t compromise on those core values.