Shopping for kids this Christmas? Don’t bother

Christmas season is upon us, and if you are a parent, an aunt or uncle, or a family friend of someone with kids, chances are you’ll be buying a gift for a child this holiday season.

Buying for kids can be difficult. If you’re close to the child, chances are he or she has at some point during the year announced that they want about 8,347,204 things. So shopping for them should be easy, right? Wrong. Because trends change every 15 seconds, they don’t want any of those things anymore.

If Christmas would have come in April, for example, you probably wouldn’t have gone wrong with a fidget spinner. I’m sure you are familiar with the stupid toy trend of 2017 — the device that was designed to help kids concentrate by giving them a device to concentrate on rather than pay attention in school.

But that trend is over. Fidget spinners are no longer “cool,” and thus those 15 you bought for all your nieces and nephews will now be better used as paperweights.

Fortunately for you, however, I have taken the time (about 15 minutes) to research (Google) a number of toys that are actual, real, not made up products that you could potentially purchase for the child in your life this holiday season.

1. The SelfieMic — This product is as ridiculous as it sounds. It is a microphone attached to a selfie stick so, as the product discription reads, kids can “sing like a star and create their own music videos.” Of course, the SelfieMic also requires the addition of a smartphone, sold separately, to complete the experience. Fortunately for you, it is a working microphone, which means you will be blessed with listening to your tone-deaf child sing along to their favorite annoying song at amplified volume. Merry Christmas to you. $19.99.

2. VTech KidiZoom Duo Camera — This is an excellent gift for the budding young photographer in your family, and to yourself if you would like 1.3-megapixel photos of your butt when you get out of the shower, since anyone who has allowed their kids to use a camera knows they will only take the least flattering, most embarrassing photos possible. Of course, they could also use the much better camera on their own personal iPhone, which they presumably already have since you just bought them the aforementioned SelfieMic. $49.99.

3. L.O.L. Surprise Dolls — Taking the recent trend of the Saran wrap ball game to new heights is this apparently popular toy this holiday season, which features up to 50 surprises in a ball that all must be individually unwrapped. This is the perfect gift for that kid in your life who you either love or hate. But good luck getting your hand on one. These are apparently sold out everywhere due to parents across the country attempting to torture their children. $10-$200, depending on whether you’re buying them from a reputable retailer.

4. Fingerlings — If you’ve not yet heard of these toys, too bad, because they’re also sold out. They are little robotic animals that cling to things, much like the children you’ll be buying them for. There are also different playsets you can buy if you’ve become bored with literally throwing your money out the window. They also make a special “glitter” edition, because why not? $24.99 (with playset).

5. Orbeez — Let’s say your children haven’t already destroyed your house with numerous messes. In that case, you should buy them some Orbeez this holiday season. These are little colored balls that grow to more than 150 times their size if you put them in water, because what parent doesn’t want toys that get larger and take up more space? The best part is once they’ve grown, you can then smash them into tiny particles that your dog will then immediately eat, causing it to poop rainbows for the next week. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. $9.99 plus your sanity.

There are, of course, a number of other wonderful toys you could get that child in your life this holiday season, but let’s be realistic. Just give them a box. Because we all know they’ll enjoy that more than the toy anyway.

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