Friday, December 21, 2012

Yay it is SO CLOSE to Christmas you guys. I'm behind on stuff, but when does that not happen. It seems like every time I think I have a day to catch up on things, I end up having something that completely derails any progress. However, today will not be one of those days. I shall get it all done and clean my house to boot. Oh, what's that? I should get off the computer then? I Agree. But it's Freaky Friday time first. This is all stuff that was found in the underbelly of Pinterest. There are so many good ideas, yet so much scariness there too.

This post is bought to you by Camo Formal, which is apparently a real thing. I'm sorry, are you getting married in the forest? Why would camo be necessary at a wedding? Are you trying to allude your guests? Is there paintball? WHERE AM I?

Thanks to Rachael, who said "Rachael said, "I was on Pinterest and found this wedding dress for the hunter in all of us. I threw up."

Indeed, Rachael. Indeed.

Nothing rattles my chains quite like a peeptoe boot. For when your legs are cold but your toes are toasty warm.

Have you finished shopping for your husband yet? If not, can I suggest that you dress him up like a lumberjack lady? Even the model for this looks like "Don't....say......a word...."

This. This is why leopard print gets a bad rap. Because these shirts are made and then worn to bars and then used as a way for 50-year-old women to pick up 20-something guys. OMG have you guys seen "Extreme Cougar Wives?"

Uh... yeah. Me neither.

It's the Inception of sweaters. We need to go deeper! More sweaters on sweaters!!

Ooh, I finally found the perfect outfit to wear to all those Christmas parties! Wait, did I say Christmas parties? I meant an I Wish I Had a Sandwich and I Dream of Jeannie Fan Club party.

There is no way to say this nicely. Homegirl looks like she's been rolling in hotdogs. I'm sorry.

Speaking of needing sandwiches. I feel like we need to have like, a movement of people who run around feeding models. And then I could be like "Sandwich Squad! Assemble!" and everyone would head straight to their nearest Subway and throw sandwiches at people who are wearing Spanx as pants like this lady.

Graphic sweaters are super in right now. But SpongeBob Droopy Crotch is a good look for no one.

Another gift idea for your man. If Ronald McDonald was deeply metro. Ooh, myabe I could introduce him to hotdog girl?

Alright, I'm singing (aka signing - another famous typo from moi) off for the week -- I'll be taking next week off for Christmas vacation AKA lying around in bed eating leftoevers and reading in my pajamas. Ohhhh yeah.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

I think this is my third year doing a Glammy Gifts post and it's still one of my favorite to write up. Mostly I just love online shopping and finding a solid deal, especially for people like my readers who are probably doing the "What do you want for Christmassssssss" thing that I'm doing with my husband right now. Mostly I just write up this post and send it over to him. That's how I got my lace peep-toe pumps last year.

Anyway, I just think that after all your crazy shopping for everyone, it's OK to do a little shopping for yourself. I was out on Monday and I picked up a super-cute keyhole top for me and I didn't even feel bad. It was on sale. SO, either use these ideas for your BFF or give it to your hubs so he's not clueless when he joins the ranks of clueless husbands on Christmas Eve. Or just ooh and ahh. Whatever. I don't judge.

Snicker.

Shall we?

You guys know I can't say "no" to peacock... or scarves. So I'm extra weak around both. Me and my friends do a Favorite Things party each year and this year I brought a scarf. They're probs my favorite accessory ever because they instantly make you look like you know what you're doing. Go outside of your box and grab a patterned one if you're still rocking a solid.

Hello, sequins. PS. If you type "sequins" into the search bar on the F21 website, you might have a small heart attack. There is a lot of bad, shiny stuff mixed in with the good. Still, I love this shirt because it's one piece and would be super easy and chic to wear. Pair it with dark skinnies, knee-high riding boots and some statement earrings and you'd be done. The abstract nature of the pattern is also perfect for hiding food bellies at Christmas dinner, FYI.

Speaking of statement earrings, how cute and ladylike are these babies? One of my friends brought F21 earrings to the party last night because she loves "Cheap, sparkly earrings." I can dig that. These would be so fun to gift to your mama.

OK, so you should know that I'm a hardcore mitten-wearer. People who see me driving around my tiny town will notice that I'm always wearing my bright red Canada mittens all winter long. I just love the cuteness factor. And I LOVE these fur mittens. These might inspire me to give up my Olympic ones. I am just thinking about these with like, a maroon leather jacket with a scarf looking cozy and adorable. Yes, I overthink outfit scenarios way too much.

Still, if you're not a mitten lover like me and you actually enjoy having access to your fingers in the cold, I love these sparkly gloves too. You'll be the best dressed mom in the carpool lane. Or, gift 'em to your sister. I don't have a sister, so I can only assume that sisters would enjoy gloves.

Rings are always good for the soul at Christmas. And, since I'm a bang for your buck kinda gal (my husband always says that I'd rather have 20 $1 items than 1 $20 items) I love these stackable rings that you can wear together or alone. SO pretty.

Do you have a pretty clutch yet? Well you should. You might think you don't need one, until you get one and use it constantly and then are like "Thank you Jae!" See? I overthink these scenarios all day. This one is the perfect shape du jour and I love me some gold sequins AND chevron. Just TOO perfect. Give one to your BFF and get credit for spending WAY more than you did.

I have a spendy watch that I love, but recently my husband bought me a really awesome T-shirt and jeans watch too after I complained about wearing my flashy watch during the day-to-day. I love the idea of something this sparkly for an everyday watch... the magpie in me can't resist.

If you want to get in on the mid-calf boot trend but are nervous about it, a slouchy boot is a good place to start. I love the two-tone on these because they'd match just about anything and be fun to wear when hitting sales after Christmas. I mean, if you do that kind of thing.

Last but not least, nab yourself - or someone else, whatever - a pretty gold necklace. I love the length on this one and want to wear it with my navy blazer immediately. Shiiiiiinnnyyyy. It's a superfast way to make an outfit look planned.

OK, now I want to chat. Are you guys done shopping? What are you asking for this year? I need ideas... my poor husband has been asking me nonstop and I'm not sure I have one thing in my head for what I want! Well, other than this ring, of course. Jean Schlumberger, be still my heart. Buuuut something tells me I'm not going to get it.

Monday, December 17, 2012

First off, I want to say how broken my heart is for the children and teachers lost in the Sandy Hooks tragedy. I had just gotten off the computer on Friday and flicked on the TV as I got ready to go out and couldn't believe what I saw. As the mom of a six-year-old it was all I could do to not go grab my daughter and lock us all in the house together for the rest of the day. My prayers are with the families and I hope everyone hugs their kids a little closer this Christmas.

It also kicked in my indulgent reflex even more than before. Me and my husband are very casual parents. We insist on a few things, like manners and non-whininess, but we are both indulgent people, especially during the holidays. We managed to get a few hours sans kids on Saturday and we finished up shopping for the kids. When I started wrapping last night (While watching and crying over "White Christmas," natch) I only got through half. Something tells me I won't be saying "no" to my kids anytime soon.

This is what I wore yesterday. Sometimes I end up basing an entire outfit out of my extreme need to wear one piece of clothing... in this case it was the navy tights. I bought three pairs of patterned tights in Canada and I want to wear them all concurrently. And I'd like you to know that I started off wearing navy heels but I stepped out of the house and onto the ice-covered porch and was like yeah, this is not happening. Another reason why these boots were the best investment of my life. OK, my house was a pretty good investment too. But these BOOTS.

Today starts party week 'round my household. I started to write everything down that I need to prep for and I just got overwhelmed instead. My husband's work party is tonight, so I'm off to find some work-appropriate gifts. OK and maybe a shirt. I just really like buying shirts. I also bought a pair of leather pants when I was in Canada. What have I done? They've sat down in my laundry room since because I don't know what to do with them. I'll try out some stuff for another party tomorrow and return and report. I'm not sure if I'm cool enough to actually wear them.

-- I'm headed out for a day of festivities. My son's preschool has a party and I have a few more things to pick up before I can come home and do some serious wrapping. For now, here's this awesome repost which will be handy if you're off to any work parties and you're feeling intimidated and frumpy. DON'T THAT'S LAME! Also, see the link below if you're wondering what you should wear. It's my Christmas present to you. But seriously, I have to go I'm late. --

Last week, we talked about what to wear. This week, I want to talk about how to act. Not because I want to rule your life, but I genuinely think -- especially if you're a SAHM -- that the invitation to a swanky work party can be a little intimidating. After all, you spend most of your time cutting crusts off of your kids PB&J, not sampling crustini. I just don't want anyone to feel intimidated or even worse, second-class, because you feel out of place during these stressful holiday parties. So, I assembled five tips that should keep you out of trouble and away from the walls for one night at least. Ready?

1) Dress Appropriately.

Yes, we talked about festive wear last week. But I also wanted to stress how important it is to dress for the party you're attending. That way, you don't show up and feel totally uncomfortable because everyone is in cocktail dress and you're wearing your favorite snowman vest, you know? I covered what to wear to which type of party here so check it out and work accordingly. My no-fail party look is a pair of trousers and a blazer worn with a pretty/festive cami. Easy peasy and works every time. When you look good, you'll feel more comfortable and less like hiding in your hubby's shadow all night. It'll also help with those feelings of "Everyone is so cool and I'm so frumpy" too.

Also, can I remind everyone to think about footwear for parties? Those knee-high boots might look great with the outfit, but if a party is in someone's home, they might want you to ditch the shoes and then everyone can see your mismatched socks. I tend to go with flats for home parties and heels when a party is in a restaurant, since at a home I'll be standing or going shoeless and at a restaurant, I'll be sitting.

2) Bring a Hostess Gift.

K, you don't need to do this if you're like, hanging out with a group of girlfriends and you all equally planned the food, etc. But when one person was clearly in charge of a party -- especially if it's someone you don't know well -- bring along something. It can be food, drink, plant, whatever, just stay away from anything kitschy or to adorn the home unless you know the hostesses tastes. It's just good breeding and it gives you something to do at the front door other than say "Hiiiiiiii."

Also, you only need a hostess gift when the party is in someone's home. Don't bring something if it's a catered event in a reception center or at a restaurant... unless you want to make your waiter very happy.

3) Head for the Food.

OK, this might sound like a weird piece of advice, but it's one of my favorite party tricks. When I don't know many people at a soiree, I'll go where the food is for a few different reasons. First, it helps to keep my hands busy so I'm not standing around like a weirdo. Second, it's a good place to make small talk with new people. Last, EVERYONE likes to talk about food. EVERYONE. So when you're chowing on your crab appetizers, you can ask the person next to you if he's ever been to that place down on State St. that serves amazing lobster ravioli or if he's tried the new Mexican restaurant. It's the world's easiest small talk and you can hold your own.

4) Don't Talk About Your Kids.

Unless you're with your other mama friends, keep the kid chat to a minimum. Your boss or your hubby's boss probably don't want to talk about your potty-training two year old. Not only is it probably mind-searingly boring for them, but it paints this picture of someone who can't socialize outside of her kids. One or two super-funny anecdotes? OK, fine. But talking about how your four-year-old looooooves peas to a captive dinner audience makes me crazy. And I actually have kids. Some other topics to avoid? Religion and politics. Just don't.

5) Check in Once or Twice.

I get that a cell phone can be a party security blanket when you don't know a ton of people, but tapping away on your iPhone the entire night is bad form. Not only is it rude, but it means you don't get to know anyone and therefore will spend next year's party doing the same thing. If you have to check in with the babysitter once or twice, that's fine. Just don't be THAT person. Put your phone down and you might actually have a good time.

Does that work for everyone? Doable? I should point out that these rules are for like, any party more formal than Aunt Myrtle's Annual Christmas Fondue Dip. While you still shouldn't snotty and phone-obsessed there, you can probably talk about kids and stuff your face with less abandon with your close relatives and your friendsies. Or, like in my husband's family, when his Grandma brings out her alter-ego, Wanda. She has a prosthetic face. A PROSTHETIC FACE. That's a little more casual than your garden variety work party.

Just don't feel intimidated by the all-powerful Holiday party. It's not there to make you feel crappy, but a chance to hang out with a new set of people. Come prepped and ready and you'll hold your own and actually you know, enjoy yourself this year.

Friday, December 14, 2012

So can you deal with the fact that there are only two more weekends until Christmas? I actually kind of love the busy crazy malls and that smell of husband desperation that comes seeping out in the next 10 days. I'll definitely be participating and by participating I mean wandering the mall and eating Cinnabons.

But for now, let's get freaky. In my head I said it like "Freak-KAY!" And it's especially awesome today because I had a backlog of pictures sent to me by my awesome possum reader whom I love muchly. Thanks, friends!

......

Homer likey. Hey, I like pretty nails as much as the next gal, but I don't really want my hands to remind me that I'm constantly hungry for donuts. Also, can you imagine trying to open mail with those puppies? Nightmare.

Psssst.... you're a stripper.

Stephanie sent me these shoes. I guess she really wanted to take her dogs for a walk HA HA HA.

Her decapitated little dogs.

Because sometimes, you just want to accessorize with that denim skirt you owned when you were 16.

Breanne sent me these super special toe shoes. For people polite enough to know that sometimes, going barefoot isn't OK, but who still want to remind everyone that they have toes.

S sent me these boots that look like every shoe I wore in the 90s together. Remember desert boots? Ohhhh so bad. Also, I don't condone elastic shoe openings.

Jen and Denise took some time out of shopping to spot an ostrich n the wild. Just kidding, that's Denise! It's my favorite when you guys are thinking of me when you see ugly clothes. I'm touched.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Hey guys!

I'm gearing up to fly cross-country again after a lovely weekend in Canada with my family. On the bright side, I'll probably need a seatbelt extender on the plane after all of the food my mom has fed me in the past few days. But, I didn't wanna leave you hanging for another day, especially my favorite new fan, Anonymous! Hey, Anonymous! Thanks for leaving troll-y comments on every post I've done recently. I so appreciate that traffic revenue so I can shop for more clothes that you hate! You're a pal... keep up the good work, because I have my eye on a new dress.

Anyway, I DID want to post this: 10 Years of Kardashian Christmas Photos. Go. Feast your eyes on one of the awesomest sights in the world and then come back and tell me which is your fave. I'm partial to the biker one. You all know how much I love a leather jacket. Why not dress your entire family up like the Sons of Anarchy to celebrate the birth of our Lord, only not cool and stabby?

We'll be back to scheduled programming tomorrow when I'm good and tired. Until then, just think of me battling two kids during holiday travel on a crowded plane and be glad you're hanging out in your pajamas today. I won't even judge you for it.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Blaaaaah the day before I head up to Canada is always bananapants. Yes I just made that word up and I'm pretty proud of myself. I had a to-do list a mile long this morning and I am just plowing away through it all. But alas, I have not yet gotten "Write a blog," "Pay the Internet company so they don't shut off my reason for living," and "find those motherfreaking kid-sized headphones so my kids are kept entertained on the plane" checked off the list yet. I'm updating this post as a way to check off the blog one. I'll keep you posted on the headphones.

Anyway, just a friendly reminder that "Festive Dress" doesn't mean "Dress like your demented Aunt Myrtle." It means sparkle and shine, not Rudolph and Snowman appliques. And, since party season is upon us (seriously, my calendar looks like a Christmas tree right now and it gives me anxiety) you're going to need to know how to dress for your hubby's work thingy, or a party with your gal pals. Ew, I just said gal pals. Shoot me.

Parties and luncheons strike fear in the hearts of many, when they are instructed to "dress festively" on the invite. WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Well, I can assure you, that while the word "festive" may conjure up a lot of red and green and striping in your mind, no one at your party wants you showing up like an elf. Unless, you're having an Ugly Sweater Christmas party and that's the point.

Please, step away from the appliqued sweaters!

You do not teach grade three.

I know that during the holidays you want to dress as merry (or Hanukkah-y?) as you feel inside, but you can do this without resorting to dressing like you're five. Take a more sophisticated approach this year.

Of course, there's always that one person who is like "Whatever, I LIKE looking like the kooky Christmas fairy. It shows everyone my Christmas spirit." Wrong. It shows everyone your chemical imbalance and makes them feel uncomfortable and just the slightest bit sorry for you. Enjoy Christmas with your four cats, weirdo.

I don't think dressing festively means you have to wear your love for the holidays on your shirt, hat or underoos. I think that you can take a plain outfit in a neutral color, and dress it up to look special for the holidays. No light up earrings necessary.

Let's start with a well-cut, albeit plain dress by Alexander Wang.

Ah, what a lovely, blank canvas!

Then, add festive accessories that step it up.

When in doubt, add red OR green, but absolutely, positively NOT BOTH. Although, you might have a hard time finding green shoes, and even if you do, they might not be festive enough for people to "get it".

Love these shoes.

(BCBGirls)

And these earrings:

I'm totally kidding. Please don't ever. You are not a tree. Try these instead!

(Zappos) Much better and not so scary Christmas-y. And I freakin' love this bracelet and may sell my soul for it:

If you decide to do the red thing, choose TWO red accessories and leave the rest safety in your jewelry box. Let's not jam the red theme down all of the party goers throats, mmkay?

But you can mix other things with the red. The holidays are one of the time that I strongly advocate mixed metallics, especially when worn with a dark neutral like black or navy. They pop right off, and it's not something that is an every day thing, so it looks festive.

(Banana Republic)
(F21; you knew I had to put a little cheapie F21 ring in here, didn't you?)
A clutch is a must for any Christmas party. Sorry, large bag offenders. (Barney's New York)

Orrrr even if you don't want to get all glammed up with colors and metallics and Christmas sweaters and earrings shaped like snowmen, just be content to wear one , large piece that you wouldn't normally wear.

(Tilly's) I love this cuff bracelet so much that I made my husband come buy it for me immediately so that it was shipped in time for Christmas. AND it was $5 soooo yeah.

Let's redefine what the word "festive" means. To me, it means something just a little more unique than every day. Step away from the scary vest and mom jeans. Step toward the shiny things.

YAY! "Blog" is crossed off the list. Now to find headphones. I have a sneaking suspicion they're in my son's backpack, covered in melted chocolate. I'm tired. When I get home, I'm going to guilt-trip my mom into making food and taking care of my kids for me. Hooray for the holidays!

Monday, December 3, 2012

I actually can't remember if I wore this on Friday or not. I think it was actually a Wednesday. But Casual Wednesday didn't have the same gimmicky ring to it and we all know I'm about the gimmicks.

Just the same, I just wanted to show you that sometimes, I dress waaay down. And I don't do my hair. And my house is messy and cropped artfully out of my outfit pictures. I believe this day I was doing nothing special except carting kids back and forth from school and making gingerbread cookies together, which turned out horribly. It was one of those things that you visualize being a precious memory and it was more like "ANDREW! Stop dumping flour everywhere! ADDIE! Why is there dough on the floor. ANDREW! No, the Easter Bunny is not a Christmas shape." I'm just glad it's over. Can I collect my good mom medal?

Top: A&F
Scarf: David & Young
Jeggies: F21
Socks: Target
Boots: Soda

I bought these boots last week on the Saturday after Thanksgiving and they've been glue to my feet ever since. They're like my Steve Buscemi boat shoes -- ugly to the point of cuteness. I bought these to see if I liked them before investing in a more expensive pair. Yes, I want to invest.

I heart my American scarf. It's funny 'cuz I'm not American, right?

Ha! I also bought a new infinity wool scarf on Saturday while shopping with my Hubs. It went like this at checkout:
Checkout lady: Your total is $25 and since you spent over $20, you can pick a scarf for $5 if you want.
Hubs: No.
Me: What? It's $5!!
Hubs: She doesn't want one.
Me: Does it come in black?

And that's how I got a new scarf.

Please also note that I'm not wearing any jewelry in this shot. That's because I'm lazy on days where I just drive kids around. No one is going to see me but the other moms at preschool and I don't think they care what I'm wearing -- just that I apologize for my son making their child cry.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Happy Friday guys! I'm in a weird mood today. Like, I need to go shopping for my entire family today for Fake Christmas next week and instead I'm looking at bad fashion online and listening to my kid watching "Sofia the First" because Tim Gunn is one of the voices. TIM GUNN. I love it. So yes. Freaky Friday, then more gloating over Tim Gunn, then shopping. I heart the weekend.

These boots were listed as "Ugly, yet beautiful." No, no. They're just ugly. They look like a pot smoker's poncho, which I can only assume are experiencing a resurgence in Colorado.

Hey, I want to be comfy in the fall too. But I also don't want to look like I'm wearing a wookie. It's a fine line, people. A fine line.

Yay! It's your new go-to cocktail dress. For a party with the Cirque Du Soleil. And everyone's dropping acid.

Oh, JUMPSUITS. Let's see what Bearded '70s Gigalo has to say about this:

...Because one is enough... when it's YOU.

...Fashion climax.

...Walking turn-on.

...She'll eat you alive in it.

...Treats your body.

I'm dying.

...Dead

Perfect for when you want long, droopy napkin in the front but a PARTY IN THE BACK.

You can totally hate me when I say I don't *get* Star Wars. In fact, I remember going to Episode 1 at like, midnight when I was 16 and I have no idea why.

I also don't *get* hoodies that make you look like another person. Particularly when it has hair. I don't want my sweaters to already have their hair done, you know?

Add sheer miniskirts and glitter booties to other things I don't quiet understand.

My mom -- the only person in the WORLD who still insists on sending everything to my 10 year old Hotmail account -- found these on Pinterest. MY MOM you guys. Even she knows that looking like a demented doll is weird.

Look like a demented panda instead! This reminds me of My Strange Addiction where the guy wanted to be a baby forever and had a hard time finding a woman who would change his diapers and feed him mush. YOU DON'T SAY?!

Sara and Eileen sent over this laptop privacy sweater. Because, you know, NOT surfing dirty pictures in public is so hard.

And I saved the best for last. Dawn sent me this with a note that Yoko Ono is designing clothes now. I'm wondering when the whole mysterious Asian thing is going to wear off. Like, one day she just wakes up and is like wow, I just want to wear yoga pants and look at cat memes and eat Kraft Dinner today. And then people can stop acting like she's provocative and not just a crazy old coot.

I keep scrolling back up to look at Bearded '70s Gigalo and laughing hysterically. Dude is a smooth operator for sure. Print him off and stick him to your fridge for constant entertainment. You're welcome in advance.

Alright, I'm off to gift shop. I love to gift shop. It gives me the warm fuzzies. Much like Bearded '70s Gigalo in his sassy white playsuit. Meow!

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About Me ♥

Jae

Jae is trying to eradicate bad mom fashion, one pair of jeans at a time. What qualifies her to write about fashion? Um, nothing except that she is naturally judgmental and is probably judging you, right now.