Watch The Free Assassin's Creed 2 Video Series

Do you love poor Italian accents and hate the historical legacy of the Borgias? Do you wish Batman wore less black and was a bit more prone to throat slitting? Do you often stay awake at night wondering why someone didn't roam the streets of Renaissance-era Venice killing people with the aid of Leonardo Da Vinci's physically impractical sketches like some kind of anachronistic Frank Castle?

Ubisoft Montreal

That's a spicy-a meat-a-ball!

I can't promise the video series produced by publisher Ubisoft as half advertising tie-in and half viral entertainment set piece will answer any of these questions about Assassin's Creed 2, but I can promise you'll spend the first minute of the series wondering whether these videos are all CGI or if the director just has a severe hard-on for making his real-world subjects look like they were crapped out of a computer circa 1999.

Then again, the three clips that make up Assassin's Creed Lineage are being brought to you free of charge, so any complaints you may have will have to fight their way through the smiling mobs of fun-starved poor folk eagerly lapping up the intentionally confusing storyline and un-ironic capes Ubisoft has to offer. Good luck with that.

(Post Script: If you want to bitch about my not embedding the series here or the quality of that picture, blame Ubisoft for their immensely lame website. Not only will it not allow me to embed the videos, it actively defecated on all my attempts to capture a quality image. Still, I think everyone can see that it's a dude getting stabbed, while I make a culturally insensitive comment at the cost of my own ethnic heritage. Capisce?)