It’s My Party and She’ll Cry If She Wants To (“Coming Out Story”)

Last week, I regaled you with stories of my worst coming out ever. Upon being “out”d” at a party that I was throwing for my husband, my newer friend felt very out of sorts and proceeded to get rather upset and fled the party! It was a bit of a clusterfuck. I am happy to say that shortly after I wrote that post, I received an email from that friend that was positive, and she let me know that she wanted to smooth things over and get back to enjoying our friendship. Whew! What a relief!

Later that week, we had a GREAT conversation over some fish tacos and wine. Some of what I learned surprised me, and in an effort to help anyone who might find themselves in a similar situation, here is what I learned about why she got so upset:

She felt left out, like the “last to know” – There was an element of feeling embarrassed. She started looking around the party thinking I’m the only one here who is “square” and doesn’t know. I explained that in fact that wasn’t true. There were several of our neighbors who we are not that close to that we simply felt didn’t need to know, or we frankly just didn’t feel like putting in the effort to tell them.

She was uncomfortable about feeling “recruited” – As my poly friends were “outting” us, my newer friend started to feel like she was being recruited to this lifestyle unwillingly, and she didn’t like that feeling. Just like one’s religious beliefs, I believe she was thinking “Please don’t shove your ideas down my throat, thank you very much!”

She is a shy person who was already going “out on a limb”, so this put her over the edge – She said that she was quite shy, and her both deciding to come to our party and just showing up at all was a big deal. She had been looking forward to the party and dipping her toe into the pool of trying to be more outgoing. And this event made her feel unsafe and a bit shocked, after she had stepped out of her shell.

She thought perhaps she had said something to offend me over recent months, and that’s why I had not “come out” to her previously – She was worried that perhaps it was something that she had said that kept me from “coming out” to her on my own earlier. This made her feel badly and awkward. I explained that though alot of the people at the party did know our relationship status, in many cases, it took me years to tell them (after I went through a mid-life identity crisis or after I got closer to them as friends and felt “safe” myself).

As we were talking, one of her questions I found quite amusing. She asked me “how did I get everyone to ‘go along with it.’” I thought this was a bit hilarious because it was after I had taken great care to explain how for me, being polyamorous was somewhat akin to being gay – meaning it is simply who I am. I thought she got that – though I was just speaking for myself – that’s how many people feel about it. I explained that the others in my poly family already were “this way” when I met them – that it was akin to like finding like – one polyamorous person meeting another. I didn’t have to talk anyone into this. It’s just who we are. I said that being polyamorous is not an easy life or an easy choice to make. So why would anyone choose to make their lives HARDER? We are polyamorous because we just ARE. I mean… I choose this life, but it also chose me.

I also explained that there are indeed people out there who are trying to convince their partner to open their relationship, and one person may be trying to bring their partner along, often unwillingly. That just simply wasn’t the case for me. Polyamorous is who I am, and who my partners are, and none of us plan to change that relationship status anytime soon or ever. I’m also loud (via this blog anyway) and proud! Creating awareness is half of the battle in more tolerance and acceptance and love for one another. Are we really all that much different from each other? We all want love, acceptance and happiness, as well as a fulfilling life, right? What do you think on any of this?

Lastly, a special request came in to my inbox…

There is a potential new polyamory book series coming out by a woman (PolyMom) who is part of a polyamorous triad. The series will include books on subjects such as jealousy, poly parenting, blending families, mono/poly relationships, triad relationships and much more. She is currently looking for poly / mono people who date poly people to complete some surveys about their experiences with polyamory. The goal is to collect data and stories of experiences in your own words to include (anonymously if you wish) in her book(s). She doesn’t want her books just to be a definition type of resource, but have them include actual first-hand advice from many different poly people. I would like to welcome you to share your story and complete the following survey:

Ah, you know me by now so it shouldn’t surprise you (or anyone else) when I saw that we’re no different from anyone else when it comes to love, sex, and relationships – we all want this… but when you’re poly, you just go about it a different way to achieve one’s goals in these things. Now a question…

I’m glad to see that you had a chance to talk to your friend… but what made her think she was being recruited?

Hi kdaddy23. I wasn’t there for the conversation. But I think it was perhaps the enthusiastic way that my poly friends were talking about ethical non-monogamy, saying that it was natural and for some people inevitable. Also, one of the friends in the conversations was acting curious, with specific questions and in a positive way. Her encouragement was increasing the enthusiasm, and I think my friend started to feel some pressure to want to perhaps “try it out” someday. I’m partly just guessing here though since I was not part of this conversation.

Oh, okay – I misunderstood and apologize for that. But even when I’ve talked to friends about being poly, they’ve felt as if they’re being recruited… and it’s the furthest thing from my mind so I was just wondering why this happens.

I hear you and know what you mean. Basically however it was coming across made her feel somehow uncomfortable and like it was a recruitment talk. Maybe it’s important for us to make sure we say it is a CHOICE we are making, just like monogamy is a choice. And get across that we know monogamy works just fine for many people. More of a “live and let live” approach.

June 26, 2015 at 2:32 pm

R

Your friend is only a human. She was surprised (perhaps shocked). She didn’t plan the way she reacted. In my opinion, she didn’t know how to react after receiving all those information coming at her. 🙂 It is very natural. But she is a good human. She, once again, has become a good friend of yours.

“We all want love, acceptance and happiness, as well as a fulfilling life, right?”

Of course. We love. That’s what we do. We live our lives the way we want without coercing, forcing, manipulating or harming another soul. We accept if another person is monogamous. We also tolerate some of their negativity. 🙂

We accept we love to live in harmony.

Life. Live it. It is a very short life to make everyone else happy. My life and let me live it. Live and let live.

Thank you so much for your insightful comment, R. You are so right – my friend is only human. Once we discussed at length what truly got her upset, it made so much sense to me. It’s important to not jump to conclusions and judge each other. We all have our reasons, and our feelings are valid. I totally get that she didn’t plan the way she reacted, and actually, I think that is part of what got her upset – she was embarrassed! And indeed, yes that was alot of information being given to her, perhaps without her consent, and she was unprepared for such sharing.

I loved this:
“We live our lives the way we want without coercing, forcing, manipulating or harming another soul. We accept if another person is monogamous. We also tolerate some of their negativity.”

What a beautiful thing to say. I wish everyone thought like you do. But I’m so glad that you and I agree on this point. 🙂 I very much would like to love in harmony. What great insight that it is a very short life to make everyone else happy. I have been pondering lately about how life perhaps is less about making oneself happy, but more about making a difference – making it worth having been here on this earth. That’s a nice thought.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so glad that you enjoyed the blog post and support my happy ending on this one. Yes, I thought her answers were very insightful indeed, and even somewhat amusing. Your comment made me laugh out loud – about winning the toaster. Hahaha! I have been a mastermind at other things in my life, but the poly thing was a group effort for sure. I could not have gotten to where I am on my own. Have a great day! xoxo

There are people who, when they are Really Into Their Lifestyle (and particularly New And Fervent About Their Lifestyle), treat it a bit like a religion. It’s not unusual for the Fervently Devoted to develop a condescending attitude toward those who are following a different standard, particularly if that standard is “mainstream” in nature, and/or to pontificate on the fabulousness of Their Chosen Way. {Ever talked to a vegan? 😉 } So even if that wasn’t your poly friends’ intent, I can see how it could have come off that way. As for the crier… We are so used to immediately preparing to Defend Our Stance whenever confronted with new/different ideals, that it’s often a force of habit to dig our heels in and prepare to argue rather than just listening to what’s being presented without feeling the need to counter.

Plus: preconceived notions. On both sides. Neither party (or both, if you prefer) is to blame, really. But it makes for a muddle.

I’m glad you were able to work things out with your newly-in-the-know friend. Just curious… Did you have a follow-up conversation with the people who outed you? I’d like to know what that looked like. Because while it may have been unintentional, it also caused unnecessary grief.

Thank you for your awesome comment and contribution, Mrs. Fever. All very well-stated and insightful. I loved the way you described how we can come across when we are really super into something, and without intending it, it can come off as trying to “recruit.” That was right on the money, as they say. And I thought it shed a new light on that particular topic. You rock!

I agree that no one was really to blame. It was more that it was potentially inappropriate conversation at a birthday party, and when we do pretty much ANYTHING without another’s consent, sometimes bad things can go down that often we can’t predict or prepare for. I actually completely understand how and why it happened and the flow of events that got us there. But as I mentioned earlier, no one goes to a pool party expecting to cry, and for that outcome I was sorry for what transpired, no matter how it happened.

Indeed, I did have a follow up conversation with the friends that out’d us. They both fervently read this blog, and they felt bad about what happened, so I didn’t want to belabor the point unnecessarily here. They both apologized to me of their own accord for out’ing us without our consent and for upsetting one of our guests. And yes, of course, that was never their intention. They started out talking about their OWN situation. A different guest kept asking alot of questions and was totally picking up on the “free love” type of vibe of certain other guests, and the out’ing kind of happened somewhat naturally as a continuation of the conversation. It’s hard sometimes in life to not talk about our close friends, especially when we are saying what we think are nice things (versus “talking smack” about them behind their back). But with subjects that can shock some – such as polyamory – I think it is of the utmost importance to think along the lines of: Does this person need to know, are they ready to know, and is this the appropriate place to have this discussion? To be responsible, it’s good to always ponder questions like that and be a bit conservative.

As I like to say, no one ever said polyamory was easy. We are not only dealing with our own thoughts, feelings and actions within our polyamorous relationships, but we also have to consider others in our circles, and new people that we meet. Coloring outside the lines of traditional life can be jarring and uncomfortable for others sometimes – yet we still care about these people and want to try to be kind to them, while still living our lives on our own terms.

I hear you on “getting everyone to go along with it.” What concerned me when my friend asked that question was I felt she perhaps wasn’t fully listening to me as I described what polyamory was. I always thought the “it’s kind of like being gay” was a great analogy – meaning it is simply WHO I AM (thus it works the same for others as well, and we then go find each other). But I guess often people still don’t get how others “become” gay either. Or they still equate polyamory mainly with “having your cake and eating it too”, lots of sex, and maybe “getting your own way”. I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on this. I’m finding it hard to put into words right now (maybe it’s that I’ve only had a half of a cup of coffee so far. Haha).

Lastly, I would love to know if you would like to be interviewed for my blog – either in written form, or in podcast form (voice only, no video). Think on it and let me know, Mrs. Vixen! I love talking to you and hearing from you! Your words are wise.