Like this:

(A reporter is out on the street doing a stand-up segment about a robbery that took place in a convenience store.)

REPORTER: Police are investigating a robbery that took place last night at this convenience store on Oak Street. The robber is described as a Caucasian male, 6’11’’, wearing a grass skirt, a Kiss the Cook apron, a large and floppy sombrero, and quote “unmistakably distinctive” glasses. The police have asked that anyone who sees the suspect immediately call the Crimestoppers hotline. They added that the man is described as “totally unmissable” and “supremely recognizable.” Local residents say they are shocked by what happened here.

(Cut to the reporter interviewing a man on the street. He is a 6’11” Caucasian male wearing a grass skirt, a Kiss the Cook apron, a large and floppy sombrero, and unmistakably distinctive glasses.)

REPORTER: You were there at the robbery last night?
MAN (panicked): What? What are you implying?
REPORTER: We just wanted your account of what happened here.
MAN (nervously): Oh. Oh. What makes you think I was here last night?
REPORTER: You told our producer you were.
MAN: Right, right. I was here. I said that and that is the story. That is definitely what happened. Thank you for the interview. (MAN begins to walk away.)
REPORTER: Wait, sir, you didn’t tell us anything yet.
MAN: Yeah, I was just in there and some stuff was robbed and it was totally crazy.
REPORTER: What do you mean, “totally crazy”?
MAN: Like, the whole thing was totally crazy. This is just a really nice neighborhood, I think. It looks like one. If I was going to rob something I’d probably rob this. But, I probably wouldn’t expect a robbery here? I live here, right?
REPORTER (quizzical): Sir, what did you say you witnessed at the robbery?
MAN: Oh, well, I mean there’s a lot of things that can drive a man to robbery. You know how hard it is to find work out there these days. Sometimes a guy just can’t catch a break. But the man doesn’t care. You ask for a little forgiveness, just a little more time, but the next day your water’s turned off and now you’ve got no place to shower. You have to walk around covered in dirt and sweat and then next thing you know everybody thinks you’re homeless. You try and try to say “No, I’m not homeless. I just don’t have running water at my place but I just paid the bill and they’re in the process of turning it back on as we speak.” But nobody wants to hear it and your landlord thinks some homeless guy is breaking into your apartment, and he changes the lock and calls the police. So now you’re trying and trying to get in your front door and the fuzz comes running from out from nowhere. Now, you haven’t done anything wrong but you start running and running because instinct just kicks in in a situation like that and you ran track in high school so you’re still pretty quick on your feet but it’s been a while since you actually got out there for a jog and a diet of instant ramen and pizza hasn’t been gentle on your stamina so you get kind of winded and all you want is a water so you pull into a convenience store and you try to pay for it but the attendant at the counter is apathetic and foreign and the language barrier is really hindering the transaction and all the while the cops are hot on your tail so you just grab the water and go and in hindsight stealing something is a terrible way to try and persuade the law of your innocence but you never know how you’re going to react in a situation like that and I’m not trying to tell you a sob story to try and get you to let me off easy because I’m guilty and I deserve whatever punishment you want to give me, but please, your honor, my story is completely truthful and I’m begging for your forgiveness. (MAN sobs.)
REPORTER: Sir, what are you trying to say?
MAN: (Sobbing intensifies.)
REPORTER: Well, this robbery is certainly taking a dramatic toll on the emotions of local residents. Until the police can locate the suspect they’re searching for, this community can only keep their eyes pealed and hope for the best. Back to you in the studio.

Like this:

SCENE: (A bunch of lab rats are seated in a meeting room. An important-looking rat (just go with it) is directing the group and reading off a clipboard. His nametag reads: Mr. Whiskers – Manager)

MR. WHISKERS: Alright, we just got some new jobs that we need to assign. Let’s see, we got a diabetes medication. Anyone feel like testing a diabetes medication?
OTHER RAT (from crowd): Sure, I’ll do it.
MR. WHISKERS: Thanks for showing the initiative. That’ll make a great resume builder. This next one is a toughie. Who’s ready to contract ebola for the next 6 weeks?
(A young rat eagerly raises her paw from the back row.)
MR. WHISKERS: Candance, we both know you’re not ready for this. This ebola project requires a rat with some experience.
(A salty, old rat raises a leg.)
MR. WHISKERS: Bruce, perfect. Hey, if you’re still alive after this one let me know how it goes. Alright, I’ve got another really good opportunity here if you’re interested. Anybody want to get injected with a scorching case of herpes?
(Nobody volunteers.)
MR. WHISKERS: Come on, guys. Jerry, didn’t you do the pubic lice study last year? You’re perfect for this.
(Jerry reluctantly and wordlessly consents.)
MR. WHISKERS: Thanks, Jerry. I’ve always seen you as a herpes kind of rat. Let’s see, next we got a new lipstick that needs to be rubbed in somebody’s eyes. Who’s going to step up?
(No rats volunteer.)
MR. WHISKERS: Somebody’s gotta do it, guys. Anybody want to get some brownie points?
(Room remains silent. Mr. Whiskers sighs, exasperated.)
MR. WHISKERS: I’ve been holding my tongue on this one for a while, but the lack of work ethic around here is really starting to chap my ass. Too bad ChapStick already tested their product so I can’t even get some of it for my own heinie. Let me tell you, if you don’t want this cosmetic job, there are plenty of rabbits, guinea pigs, and monkeys that’ll happily take it instead.
(Room does not appear persuaded.)
MR. WHISKERS (tone more somber): Look, I know all of you wish you could be hanging out as some plucky seven-year-old’s pet, eating yourself to death and passing time until the little sucker comes to pick up your feces. But we can’t all have that. My brother, he really wanted that life. And you know where he is now? Snake food! So suck it up. I’d take this lipstick job if I could, but I’m currently assigned to an uppity little urologist whose “research” consists of neutering me into oblivion. (deep breath) I need one of you guys to pick up the slack on this one. Please.
(One of the rats volunteers.)
MR. WHISKERS (more relaxed): Thank you very much. Lastly, we have your classic maze set-up. Do it right, you get a piece of cheese. Do it wrong, they’re gonna shock the bejeezus out of you. Anybody like to gamble?

Like this:

Anyone using Yik Yak can turn a school into a virtual chat room where everyone can post his or her comments, anonymously. Untruthful, mean, character-assassinating short messages are immediately seen by all users in a specific geographic area. – Fox News

SCENE: A school staff meeting. The principal is addressing a group of teachers. The mood is apprehensive, solemn.

PRINCIPAL: As I’m sure many of you have noticed, the students are currently obsessed with an app. It’s called Yik Yak, and it’s being used to bully other children. There are some really cruel jokes on there and some of them even mention faculty members by name.
(The teachers remain silent, somewhat disinterested.)
PRINCIPAL: I know this might be hard to hear for many of you, that your own students are mocking you online, but I think it’s important that we address this issue. Allow me to read some recent posts. (takes out phone and begins to read aloud) The first one says “Mr. Haufstetder reeks of vodka and sadness.” I’m just going to let that one sink in.
(Teachers are again unresponsive.)
PRINCIPAL: People, I know that we as a faculty have come to terms with Mr. Haufstetder drinking at school, but the students really can’t know about this. It damages our credibility. Let me read another one. “Mrs. Rosenstein’s psoriasis is worse than her teaching.” (weighty pause) Linda, I’m really sorry you had to hear that.
(Some teachers giggle quietly.)
PRINCIPAL: You have to be concerned about this! There are new posts coming in as we speak. Here, listen. “This meeting is a bigger joke than our pensions.” (long pause) Wait, what meeting are they talking about? Are you posting on Yik Yak?
(Teachers burst out laughing.)
PRINCIPAL (reading off phone): “The female teachers at this school are so fugly, I’m considering having an affair with a lunch lady.” This is abhorrent. Show some respect!
(Feverish typing fills the room.)
PRINCIPAL: “Mark Price is a walking ad for abortion.” You can’t say that about a student! They read these.
(More typing, laughter.)
PRINCIPAL: “Is nobody going to point out that Principal Hagerty started wearing a toupee?” It’s not like everyone hadn’t already noticed that, but was that really necessary? My wife made me start wearing it.
(Guffawing, chortling.)
PRINCIPAL: “Hailey Hunt coming to this school is the worst thing to happen since the Common Core.” That’s a child you’re talking about. All of you, stop this immediately. It’s not like everyone didn’t already know Mr. Haufstetder was a drinker. Everybody at this school has noticed Mrs. Rosenstein’s psoriasis. Again, sorry Linda. You’re all small people, taking shots at easy targets. How about you write something we didn’t all know already?
(Quiet typing from the back of the room.)
PRINCIPAL (defeated): “Principal Hagerty’s fly has been unzipped this entire meeting.” That’s something we didn’t already know. Meeting adjourned.

Like this:

(TV commercial for Ancestry.com. Different kinds of people stand and talk about their discoveries: a chipper lady named Christina, a man named Michael, and a guy named Pete. Their names are printed on the screen while they speak.)

CHRISTINA: I went on Ancestry.com to learn more about more about my heritage.
MICHAEL: I wanted to discover stories about my ancestors.
PETE: Who wouldn’t want to know more about their history?

CHRISTINA: So, I did a little digging, and what I find out was amazing.
MICHAEL: You’ll never guess what I found out on Ancestry.com
PETE: What I found … surprised me.

CHRISTINA: She marched with Susan B. Anthony for my right to vote. How great is that?
MICHAEL: Jackie Robinson took my grandpa into the Dodgers clubhouse and introduced him to the whole team!
PETE: Her husband sold recalled toys and illegal fireworks to children. He was blamed for four maimings.

CHRISTINA: It’s just such an inspiration. I’m going to dedicate myself to fighting for women’s rights.
MICHAEL: I’m a huge baseball fan. I can’t wait to tell this story to all my buddies at the game.
PETE: I’m pretty sure they were Nazi sympathizers. Like, really sympathetic.

CHRISTINA: I never would have learned this if I hadn’t signed up. Thank you, Ancestry.com.
MICHAEL: I’m so happy to have learned this story. Thanks Ancestry.com.
PETE: Um, thanks Ancestry.com?

Scene: A bar mitzvah. Mood is joyous; everyone excited to see little Joshua becoming a man.

EMCEE: Ok, everybody! Let’s get everyone out on the dance floor, because it’s time for the hora!
(Crowd begins to form on dancefloor. Relatives start to dance to Hava Negila. Non-Jewish guests stand around confused.)
EMCEE: Keep on dancing, but let’s get four strong men to the middle of the circle and lift Josh up!
(Four family members gather around a chair in the center. Josh is lifted, feigns happiness, secretly very scared.)
EMCEE: And now let’s get Mom out here! Debbie, come on out!
(Debbie is pushed toward center and sits in chair. The four strong men have disappeared.)
EMCEE: Alright, let’s lift her up – wait, where’d my lifters go? Let’s get four strong guys back out her! Hey, maybe five or six strong guys! Nobody? Really? It’s her son’s bar mitzvah, let’s help her celebrate! Uncles, cousins, family friends, get on out here and lift Debbie up! You’re her closest relatives, you really should do this. You supported Debbie through the weight gain, you should support her in a chair. What about the dancers? You guys are my employees. If you don’t get out here and lift this lady up, you’re fired! You’d rather be fired? That is surprising, to say the least. Hey, caterer! Some of you people looked strong. They won’t do it either? Josh’s friends! Some of you looked pretty developed! Get out here and lift your friend’s mom in a chair!
(Party-goers start to slow down their hora.)
EMCEE: Keep dancing, everybody! We’re going to get Debbie up in the air, I promise! Uh, what about the bouncers? Ernesto, Sergey – do me a big favor and come lift this nice lady up! Please, fellas, this is my paycheck.
(Emcee pulls an iPod Shuffle out of his pocket.)
EMCEE: I was saving this for whoever won Coke and Pepsi, but you made me do this, guys! First person to come out here and volunteer will get an iPod Shuffle. Please. Fifty dollar cash value! This is sad. You should all be ashamed.
(Hava Nagila ends. Crowd stops dancing.)
EMCEE: DJ, turn that song back on! Put it on repeat! We will not be moving on with this party until Debbie is hoisted in the air. In fifteen years of entertaining with Perfect Memories Events, every bar mitzvah mom has been lifted, and I do not plan on ending that streak today.
(Waitresses start bringing around platters of food.)
EMCEE: Yo! Cool it with the passed hors d’oeuvres! Nobody eats a pig in a blanket until Debbie gets lifted. Hey, Josh’s grandma – we all saw you take that mini egg roll, now put it back.
(Hava Negila ends a second time. Guests have largely left the dancefloor.)
EMCEE: Hey, Debbie, I’m really sorry. (brief pause) Kids, back on the floor for some Coke and Pepsi! We got an iPod Shuffle up for grabs!

Like this:

(A teacher is seated at his desk in front of a class. The students prepare to deliver history presentations.)

TEACHER: Thanks for having these presentations ready, guys. I know they seem like a pain now, but they will really help you in life. I promise you that.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep South.
TEACHER: It’s so important – sorry to interrupt. It’s so important to be able to speak to your peers like this. It really is.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconstruction in the Deep-
TEACHER: Like, you walk into the teacher’s lounge everyday and that smug geek from the math department’s eating your sandwich again. You need to talk to him and clearly let him know how you feel. That’s why I have you do these speeches.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main proponent of Reconst-
TEACHER: He totally knows it’s your sandwich, too! Every day, he just forgets that the egg salad in the Tupperware with my name on it isn’t his. Like who does that?
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a main prop-
TEACHER: And you walk in there and he’s standing by the fridge with that smug little grin. He’s got egg salad all around his mouth and he’s just looking at you like he’s got his hand in the cookie in the jar. At that point, in these circumstances, you just need to stand up and say something, am I right? That’s why we do this in class. To prepare for you crap like this.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes was a ma-
TEACHER: And then the next day, he doesn’t even that audacity to hide the sandwich. He’s parading the egg salad around so everyone can see his conquest. He’s got a mischievous little twinkle in his eye and you walk right up to him and you’re about to give him a piece of your mind, when he just wipes that defiled shell of a sandwich right underneath my nose.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hayes-
TEACHER: He’s drawing me into the ring. He’s the pauncey matador luring the bull into the ring. But this bull isn’t just going to scratch the dirt and snarl. I came to play.
STUDENT: Rutherford B. Hay-
TEACHER: I throw the chump against the refrigerator and I start shoving the egg salad into his face. And he’s breaking into a cold sweat and staring into my eyes like they’re two smoking gun barrels. I’m there feeling pure power, every little cog in my toned physique creating me into one massive, pulsing muscle.
STUDENT: Rutherford B-
TEACHER: Looking past his eyes and into his soul, I know that this coward has already surrendered. Silently, he’s telling me, “I always knew it was yours. It was your name on the Tupperware. It was your egg salad.”
STUDENT: Rutherfo-
TEACHER: He has surrendered, but I am merciful. I take my arm off his throat, waving the sandwich in the air as a glorious flag of victory.
STUDENT: Ruthe-
TEACHER: Meanwhile, the entire teaching faculty has gathered around. Inspired by my swift and righteous act of justice, they stand behind me in unwavering support. Breaking the deafening silence, the principal, “Now, tell him off once and for all!”
STUDENT: Ru-
TEACHER: In my mind, I prepare the most elegant, graceful, and passionate piece of oratory this world has ever known. Supreme in its diction, unparalleled in its passion, I bask in the glory of this moment.
STUDENT: (breath)
TEACHER: I steady my breath, plant my feet, and prepare to bring this sad sack to his knees with the thundering force of the spoken word.
STUDENT: So, what’d you end up saying?
TEACHER: Oh, I just walked away. I don’t do well at public speaking.

(Passengers board a large plane. Some of the most striking characters include a grossly obese and sweaty gentleman (Preston), a very elderly woman (Eustice) and her grown daughter (Carla), and a lady (Gloria) with her dog in the seat next to her. An airline representative boards the plane and picks up the microphone.)

AIRLINE REP: Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman, it appears we have over-booked today’s flight by just one customer and we would like to offer a fantastic deal to one lucky volunteer today. If you would like to wait just two hours we can put you on a plane to your destination and offer you either a cash payment or an airline voucher. Which one would you all rather?
CROWD (loud and agreeing): Cash!
REP: Ok, we will be offering a voucher today. Thank you for your input. The voucher is worth $200 to be used on a future flight.
CARLA (to Eustice): Mom, maybe you should take the deal.
EUSTICE (replying): Oh, and come back tomorrow?
CARLA: Yeah, tomorrow. Or next week. Or never.
EUSTICE: Do you think it’s worth it for $200?
CARLA: Can we buy a sense of humor with that money?
REP: We are now offering a $250 voucher. Again, we cannot take off until someone agrees to give up their seat on this flight.
PRESTON: Can you sweeten the deal a little bit?
REP: Maybe, what are you asking for?PRESTON: Can you make it $300 and a bag of Terra Blues?REP: I’m not going higher than $250.PRESTON: Let’s do $275 and the bag of chips.REP: I can give you $250 and mixed nuts.PRESTON: $250 and Terra Blues?
REP: You’re not getting the Terra Blues.
PRESTON: (heavy breathing and profuse perspiration)
REP: We can’t take off until someone takes this voucher.
PRESTON: You’re holding firm on the Terra Blues?
REP: We’re holding firm.PRESTON: No deal.CROWD: Boo!RANDOM PASSENGER: Screw you!REP: Ladies and gentleman, please stay calm. We just need one volunteer to accept the voucher and the later flight.EUSTICE (to Carla): I would take the offer but my luggage is already on the plane.CARLA (replying): They will take it off for you. You should take the deal.EUSTICE: But what would I do for dinner?CARLA: There’s good food in the airport. Take the deal, Mom.EUSTICE: You really think I should?CARLA: I really think you should.EUSTICE: I could use the money to come visit you another time.CARLA: Don’t take the deal. Don’t take the deal.
REP: We are still waiting on someone to take the offer before we can take off. (gesturing to Gloria in the first row) Why not you, miss?
GLORIA: Oh, I’m sorry but I’m traveling with a child.
REP (questioning) Oh, where is your child?
GLORIA: In this cage. His name is Bacchus.
REP(understanding): Oh, you mean your dog.
GLORIA: I used Bacchus to get in the pre-boarding for people with infants. For the purposes of this flight, he is a child.
REP: Miss, would you mind holding Bacchus during the flight so we can board the final passenger in that seat?
GLORIA: No, I’m sorry. Bacchus needs his own seat. He’s a service dog.
REP (skeptical): What kind of service?
GLORIA: He chews all my food for me because of my colitis.
REP: Like a penguin?
GLORIA: Like a penguin!
REP: (shudders) Would anyone like to accept the offer so you can take off?

(Pilot exits the cockpit)

PILOT: How much is the offer?
REP: A $250 voucher and animal crackers.
PILOT: I’ll take it!
REP: Congratulations, sir!

(Pilot and Representative exit the plan.)

LOUDSPEAKER: Excuse me, ladies and gentleman, we are sorry to report that this flight will be delayed while we locate another pilot. We are offering a $300 flight voucher and a bag of Terra Blue chips to anyone willing to assume that responsibility.

Like this:

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