Concerned citizens in the Western world have been raising concerns over Kim Kardashian’s arse after it failed to appear in global media for two days running.

“This is most disconcerting indeed,” Dublin housewife Agnes Brown wrote on Facebook. “I’ve been through the Mail online with a fine tooth comb and there’s been no mention of Kim’s arse for at least two days. It just isn’t fecking good enough. I can’t possibly function on a day to day basis unless I’m kept fully informed as to what Kim’s arse is up to.”

To date, Kim Kardashian’s arse is the only arse in history to have broken the internet twice. It’s an arse that has earned its rightful place in history books as the only arse you can stand eight pints of Guinness on, and the arse that inspired tens of thousands of women to have their buttocks artificially inflated with gallons of whale blubber.

“In order to gain a glimmer of understanding about the universe, the cosmos and the planet we live on it’s vital that we be made aware of the status of Kim Kardashian’s arse,” said Professor Stephen Hawking in a somewhat robotic voice. “We need to know that Kim’s arse is in robust health and functioning properly, as opposed to being blocked up, violated or even having the screaming shits. It’s vital for the future of humanity that we be kept informed.”

Cafe Spike approached Kim Kardashian’s arse for comment and it responded with a fart. Somewhat surprisingly it smelt like shit and not Chanel No 9

In the wake of TV personality Vernon Kay’s recent sexting revelations, a Glasgow man slammed the TV star saying that he can’t understand what he sees in the glamour model who is the subject of the rumpus. [Read more…]

That woman with the big boobs and deformed arse has posted yet another nude selfie on Instagram, but most people don’t really give a toss either way what she does or doesn’t do.

“I stopped looking at the Mail Online because of that silly cow,” Jenson Beard of Stockport told us. “She’s in about sixty articles a day but she never does fuck all apart from post selfies of her weird arse. It’s a pity people have nothing better to do really.”

“She’s like that Bercow woman who’s wed to the Speaker of the House of Commons – a total waste of fucking space,” said Arnold Gidley of Gloucester. “For the record, her husband’s a fucking idiot too. Not for me thanks.”

In the interests of fairness we printed out the nude selfie and took to the streets of Burnley to see if it would generate any genuine interest.

“I haven’t got time to look at that rubbish,” Harry Taylor told us. “I’m in a rush – trying to get to the fishmonger’s before it shuts.”