a Star Trek parody blog written by Phil Harwell. Sticking a fork in it since October 2011.

SPACE: THE TRITE FRONTIER. THESE ARE THE EPISODES OF THE STARSHIP SECONDPRIZE. ITS SIXTY MINUTE MISSION: TO EXPLORE LARGE, EXPENSIVE SETS, TO SEEK OUT NEW COSTUME CHANGES AND OLD GUEST STARS, TO GET THE HIGHEST RATINGS POSSIBLE, AND TO REPEATEDLY GO WHERE PLENTY OF PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY BEEN. IN HD (WHERE AVAILABLE).

Category: Season 5

The elevator doors had scarcely opened when the Secondprize suddenly lurched forward, preventing Captain Clerk from setting his foot down on the floor of the Bridge as he intended. Brow furrowed, he picked himself off the floor, wondering what the top speed for which the inertial dampeners were rated was.

Lt. Eric's exasperated sigh could be heard all the way back in the elevator.

The suites available at Deep Dish $9 were predictably not up to Admiral Kathy Safeway’s peculiar standards, so she had opted for renting a room at one of Bajor’s four-star hotels. Captain Clerk groused a little at having to make the extra trek down to the planet, but, picking his battles, had decided not to make too big a deal of it.

The trip, in his mind, was not only needlessly long but needlessly silent, since Safeway didn't want to get into whatever this urgent business of hers was until they were at their destination. To make matters worse, they got lost — twice — and then, upon arriving at the hotel, Kathy realized she'd locked her key in the room, causing them to have to wait for the hotel manager to show up.

What Clerk hadn't anticipated was that this was going to be the easy part.

It was late in the evening when Captain Clerk’s pattern coalesced on the transporter platform. He had been a bit nervous about returning to the ship because he and Kathy Safeway had decided to keep the whole engagement thing on the down-low for the time being. However, upon his arrival, he saw that the transporter operator currently on duty was his least favorite artificial lifeform: the perennially-rusting robot CUL8R.

Captain’s Blog, Stardate: Wedding Day. I never thought I’d begin a recording that way. Not that I never wanted to, mind you, but— never mind. She’s right; I can’t shut up. At any rate, of all the times in my life that I’ve been nervous — which is most of my life, now that I think about it — this beats them all. The last several stardates have been both exciting and terrifying, and that’s putting it as mildly as I can. I’ve only had to be talked out of taking a shuttle and speeding away to parts unknown once. No wait, twice.