You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV and more time worrying about what's going on in their kids' lives, this world would be a much better place. ~Stan, "Death," original airdate 17 September 1997, written by Trey Parker & Matt Stone

I think that parents only get so offended by television because they rely on it as a babysitter and the sole educator of their kids. ~Kyle, "Death," original airdate 17 September 1997, written by Trey Parker & Matt Stone

Without evil there could be no good, so it must be good to be evil sometimes. ~Satan, South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut, 1999, written by Trey Parker, Matt Stone, & Pam Brady

Benjamin Franklin: "I believe that if we are to form a new country, we cannot be a country that appears war-hungry and violent to the rest of the world. However, we also cannot be a country that appears weak and unwilling to fight, to the rest of the world. So, what if we form a country that appears to want both."Thomas Jefferson: "Yes, yes of course, we go to war and protest going to war at the same time...."Benjamin Franklin: "And that means that as a nation, we could go to war with whomever we wished, but at the same time act like we didn't want to. If we allow the people to protest what the government does, then the country will be forever blameless."John Adams: "It's like having your cake and eating it too."Unidentified Congressman: "Think of it: an entire nation founded on saying one thing and doing another."John Hancock: "And we will call that country the United States of America."
~South Park, "I'm a Little Bit Country" [S7, E4, 2003], written by Trey Parker & Matt Stone

All's fair in love and war — and coffee. ~Mr Tweek, "Gnomes," original airdate Dec 16, 1998, written by Pam Brady, Trey Parker, and Matt Stone

Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least eight dollars. ~Trey Parker, South Park, "Trapped in the Closet"

That's how the world works now. You get blamed for the group you belong to, even if you didn't do nothing. ~Trey Parker, "Skank Hunt," South Park [S20, E2, 2016, Butters]

What's going on...? Why does everything suck this hard?... how did we get here? Completely confused and with shit for choices? ~Trey Parker, "The Damned," South Park [S20, E3, 2016, Randy]