Thursday, June 30, 2011

There was confirmation earlier this week that the government-funded project to design a device to raise the debt ceiling has been approved by Congress for use on the nation’s economy.

The program that would eventually become the massive DCR-9000 was initiated in February, and designs for the enormous hydraulic lift were quickly built and tested under conditions of confidentiality.

Program engineers faced the challenge of having to create something that was extremely robust but would not overstress the weakened economies it was meant to raise. Field testing was conducted on some peripheral African nations’ economies with mixed results ranging from minor fractures to, in some cases, complete failure.

Though many insiders are voicing concerns that use of the device has yet to be perfected, a majority feel that the current economic conditions are far too dire to continue stalling, while financial experts are still trying to predict how again raising the debt ceiling will affect the economy’s ever-dwindling debt attic, both in the short and long term.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

In a time when nothing seems to escape being caught on camera, there is, oddly, no image of the event. A fragment of recovered audio recorded only a strange snap, crackle and pop. No one who was there and survived says they saw anything but a blinding flash.

Arson investigators are searching his singed broadcast booth for evidence, but so far what actually happened remains a complete mystery.

Some think it feasible that the inflammatory vitriol he voiced every day was itself flammable, and was perhaps ignited by an errant ember from one of his signature cigars, or a static spark from his monogrammed microphone.

Others speculate that he was consumed in a conflagration set off by his own overheated hostility, somehow spontaneously combusted during an outburst of half baked bellicosity, or inadvertently self immolated in a fit of pyroclastic pique.

While it may never be satisfactorily explained, it is quite likely that the still smoldering smudge of greasy soot scraped off the spot where he used to sit is all that is left of Rush Limbaugh.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Filed by F. Russell GrummanITITY Political Research ReporterWashington DC

In a soon to be published article in the Journal of the American Medical Association doctors at the Bethesda Medical Center, where under their health plan members of Congress are treated for free, will reveal the results of a 40 year study of their patients from both sides of the aisle.

Their research has reportedly found a specific set of genetic markers, statistically prevalent in Republicans and almost absent in Democrats, which seem to determine the level of spinal bone density or strength.

It is not all good news for the right however, as the very same genes apparently inhibit the cognitive brain functions which lead to the development of positive and flexible thinking, intellectual curiosity, and the ability to deal realistically with others.

The controversial implications indicate that Democrats, while genetically inclined to possess a sense of humor and the ability to enjoy life, remain unable to defend any position they might come to hold, whereas Republicans will argue and protect anything they’re told is important however damaging or bizarre.

What remains unknown is whether it will be possible for a future government-funded program to selectively modify or manipulate the gene pool in an effort to normalize partisan mind-sets and eliminate the historically troublesome and time-consuming process of opinionated political discourse.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

During a press conference thing held earlier in the week a sort of spokesperson for the White House and stuff clarified the President’s position on an issue.

Though the meeting only lasted for about twenty minutes or so, the issue that previously wanted so much attention was addressed and clarified, further erasing any lingering obfuscation surrounding this important matter.

When asked to like clarify the President’s sentiments the spokesperson responded, “Let me be clear. This administration’s position is the same as it was when we were campaigning, and that position has not changed. We've always been transparent when it comes to these issues and this is no different. If anything we are actually more committed to this now than we were before.”

What still remains however is the reaction to this announcement from critics who, it should be said, all too often accuse the current administration of being really vague and whatever.

Monday, June 20, 2011

I have recently been informed, and yes I had to be told because I really don’t pay much attention these days to matters so insignificant, that some of you little scamps have said, hinted, or otherwise inferred that I, God want you to run for President of the United States.

Well I hate to break it to you, but do you really believe that if I had even the slightest interest in the outcome of such trivial contests that I would actually sit through all your absurd debates, tedious primaries and ridiculous conventions, when I could simply miracle my fav into the Oval Office?

And while we’re at it, would you please knock off all this inane nonsense about the Second Coming. I’ll let you in on a little secret; I’m not coming back because I never left. Yeah, on the seventh day I rested alright, and I’ve been enjoying my creation ever since on a beautiful beach in Cancun.

By the way, if you’re asking why, since I’m here, I don’t go on one of your cable news networks or celebrity talk shows to spread the good word, the answer is it doesn’t work like that. I do however, have one small suggestion. You could try to advance as a species just a little bit, it’s not like it’s against the rules or anything; none of my commandments say thou shalt not evolve.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Sarah Palin’s triumphant ride last week on the back of a Harley Davidson into a motorcycle convention in Washington, D.C. received national media coverage, however in an exclusive interview with It’s True, I Tell Ya!, Ron Paul, the 75 year old congressman and GOP presidential hopeful, revealed that her display had generated a firestorm within the Republican ranks that “can only be resolved mano-a-mano” and challenged her to a smack down cage fight to be sponsored by Worldwide Wrestling Entertainment.

After Paul’s scheduled appearance before the gathering was completely eclipsed by Palin’s unannounced exhibition, our stalwart reporter overheard him saying “I’m sick and tired of that (expletive deleted) sucking the air out of our campaign with her media stunts.” In an on the record comment he asserted, “I should be the natural choice of this very important constituency. I support the legalization of marijuana as well as the biker’s other drugs of choice and the repeal of all mandatory helmet laws. If we are successful, we will save the government a lot of money in the War on Drugs and probably create a few new organ donors.”

When apprised of Paul’s comments and his challenge Palin retorted, “I’m up to any throw down from that old codger and besides, I look much better in leather!” Linda MacMahon, the unsuccessful Republican U.S. Senate candidate from Connecticut and WWE executive, is reported to have gleefully greeted this news, proclaiming, “That’s great! Let’s keep this all in the family.”

Thursday, June 16, 2011

After losing a congressional seat in the 2010 census, the Republican controlled Ohio legislature, who had no hope of ever defeating Dennis Kucinich, simply redistricted his Cleveland seat out of existence, intending to end the political career of the congressman whom some, even in his own party, call “the strangest little dude in the House”.

Their optimism was perhaps premature. In an almost unprecedented move, Kucinich defiantly released a statement that said in part, “You can move my seat from Cleveland, but you can’t stop me from following it“, and went on to announce that over the summer recess he will literally run across the country from Cleveland to Seattle where he will test the Pacific Coast waters to contest the newly created seat that Washington has gained.

Noting that for the first time in years he will need a substantial campaign war chest, Kucinich said he is reluctantly selling sponsorships for his cross country run. He’ll use a new style of Sketchers running shoes; poetically called the Sketchy. His running suits will be made in China and supplied by JC Penney, but will bear the logos of Starbucks, Boeing and Microsoft.

For the first half of the run Kucinich will wear a Cleveland Indians baseball cap. Once past the Continental Divide he intends to ceremoniously toss his hat into the headwaters of the Columbia River and let it float west toward Seattle, and then don a Seattle Mariners cap. Reached for comment, a Major League Baseball spokesman said, “First Amendment rights aside, we are considering legal action to prevent the congressman from desecrating our trademarks”.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Representatives from the New New Amsterdam University College of Ethnography announced recently the confirmation of the discovery of a previously unknown and wholly unique culture, which is expected to answer some of the more puzzling anthropological questions of the last thousand years.

Though the entire cultural tableau has yet to be completed, scientists have already begun reconstructing the panoply of deities so commonly worshiped by these primitive peoples. So far these include a large ax wielding outdoorsman, a rustic horse riding independent, and, oddly, several types of rectangular shaped paper which may also have been used to barter.

What still remains unclear at this time is the cause of the empire’s downfall. Though there has been some speculation, no single theory has risen to assume the place of popular belief among scientists.

However, a few tantalizing clues have been uncovered in the form of artifacts contemporaneous with the time at which the empire seemingly imploded. Among these was a plastic box with the words “Jersey Shore Season 1” printed on it and the document “Going Rogue” which some hypothesize was used as a religious text.

Friday, June 10, 2011

During a month when Republican presidential politics played more like a Looney Tunes cartoon than a race for the White House, a time when the most articulate candidate actually said, “Anyone who quotes me accurately is a craven liar”, Michele ‘the Belle’ Bachmann has successfully muddied the political waters in America’s heartland even more than the Mississippi River overflowing its banks.

At a recent Tea Party rally at the Pentecostal church in the tiny town of Springfield, Iowa she affirmed, “It is my patriotic privilege and I am humbled by the honor of announcing today, on this stage, on the very spot where Abraham Lincoln began his awesome political career, my intention of possibly declaring in the very near future my decision, which I am very close to making, of running for the highest office in this great land of ours.

When a Benjamin Franklin costumed crowd member yelled, “Wrong Springfield! Lincoln was from Illinois!” Bachmann responded, “Well, we in the Tea Party all live in the proud land of Lincoln. We may not be able to see Russia from Minnesota, but we can sure see the handwriting on the wall.” She went on to assert that she both supports and opposes the Ryan plan for Medicare “In the strongest possible terms. We will take no prisoners.”

After quieting the crowd she solemnly stated, “There are those who think I am not equipped to run this race. To them I say I am cute. I am thin. I wear fashionable glasses. If you want a geography expert, vote for a Democrat!”

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

In light of Sarah Palin’s rewrite of history and her not surprisingly fervent defense of her recent description of Paul Revere’s ride as historically accurate, the Daughters of the American Revolution’s Historical Society has removed from display its original copy of The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere.

The Society’s scholar in residence of over 50 years, 84 year old Clara Potts, said she was saddened by this development, but felt she had no choice but to remove the offending work, now that Palin has deemed it historically inaccurate. Potts went on to say, “Although Ms. Palin may never have read the poem or even attended her High School history class when the American Revolution was studied, there is little doubt that, since she is such a great patriot, that she could be wrong.”

Accordingly, said Ms. Potts, “We have referred the matter to our Revisionist History and Literature Advisor, Donald Rumsfeld, who will see to it that an appropriate version of the famous poem is soon on display."

Shown here for the first time is the draft revision of the first three verses:

Monday, June 6, 2011

In keeping with their long-standing tradition of counter-production, earlier this week, in a rare example of unity, Congress voted to subsidize their own lack of productivity, choosing instead to allow other areas of government an opportunity to disappoint.

The specific goal in mind behind the subvention is, perhaps counter intuitively, to limit competition among elected officials and legislators in Congress in an effort to help rebuild some of the lost confidence of the ever-more-disillusioned American public.

Although there has been some controversy regarding Congress’ decision to appoint itself as the recipient and beneficiary of its own tax-funded subsidy, many political insiders have agreed that this resolution could ultimately have a positive impact on the country’s welfare.

One former Senator effectively summarized the motion stating, “Trust me, when these guys are trying, they do more harm than good.”

Saturday, June 4, 2011

The Democrats dizzily circle the dark drain of doubt and indecision, increasingly incapable of accommodating even the most cautious criticism of their insulated incumbent, accepting insipid passivity in place of promoting progressive principles and willing to accept any collateral damage in their submissive efforts to compromise with their unyielding opponents on the right.

The Republicans staunchly sustain their scorched earth march toward an ideological impasse, entirely intolerant of dissent with a commitment so complete it does not include an exit strategy, confidently confusing blind conviction with traditional conservative values and willing to endure even self destruction in their single minded determination to defeat their compliant colleagues on the left.

The voters, when they actually bother to cast a ballot, lazily rely on the continuous convenience of the cable news networks and their daily delivery of divisive diatribe to reinforce their polarized opinions and support their partisan paranoia, eventually choosing a candidate through a thought process so intellectually impoverished and callously incompetent even game show hosts are considered serious presidential contenders.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Dr. Sergio Aioli, Director of Rare Disease Research at the Mayo Clinic, updated the press yesterday on the condition of Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN), who has been under observation for several months after succumbing to fits of a mysterious apoplexy.

Aioli stated that, taken as a whole, her symptoms were consistent with a hitherto rare disorder called Metatarsal Oral Dislodgement Disorder, also known as MODD, a syndrome which has recently broken out in a disturbing number of cases among Caucasian tea drinkers – particularly those who mixed their tea with Kool-Aid – and, most seriously, among politicians, especially those who have recently visited Iowa.

He went on to say that while MODD could often be mistaken for simple political paranoia, pandering, and demagoguery, its victims were often distinguishable by their unswerving insistence that the greatest dangers to freedom in the U.S. today are: overpaid teachers, high taxes on the richest Americans and, most of all, National Public Radio.

When asked by one reporter what tests were being performed on Rep. Bachmann, Dr. Aioli responded that while he could not enter into too much detail due to patient confidentiality, one test was to administer to the potential MODD victim a standard U.S. Citizenship Test, which included such true/false questions as: "John Quincy Adams was a Founding Father; the Battle of Lexington took place in New Hampshire; the Founding Fathers outlawed slavery; the American flag was first sewn by Nancy Reagan at the request of her husband President Ronald Reagan; and Hawaii was not state in 1961.”