Our Touchy-Feely Society (and a Mom-Rant)

As a society, we seem to be schizophrenic – or at least inconsistent – about our attitudes around touching each other these days.

Teachers are not permitted to hug students – even a comforting hug for a crying kindergartener can be misconstrued, turned into something suspect. Elementary school kids are not allowed to touch each other at all. No poking, tickling, shoving, hitting, patting – nothing. That’s actually a good thing, I think, on the whole.

In the workplace, any physical contact is either unprofessional or risks a sexual harassment charge. You make friends with the people with whom you work (if you’re lucky), so I don’t agree with that hardline stance.

But then, there’s the other side. Take pregnant women, for example. The fact that you have a baby in your belly seems to say to everyone that your stomach is now public property. I was always amazed at how total strangers would pat my belly when I was pregnant. It’s the same amount of me, the same belly (well, less of it), that I have now. Can you imagine coming up and patting my belly NOW? Now that it’s just a normal, run-of-the-mill, doing-nothing-but-digesting belly? Hell, no! If you tried it, you’d find yourself short a hand.

The same public property principle seems to apply with Kelsea’s hair. It’s at least two feet long when it’s in its daily braid, and that braid seems to have an irresistable appeal to her fellow students. Everyone touches it, plays with it, pulls it, flaps it. It makes her INSANE. She absolutely hates it. She’s told them in no uncertain terms to STOP. And she’s entirely within her rights. It’s part of her body. Again, if it were another part of her body that was different from everyone else’s – say a deformed arm – it would be completely unacceptable for everyone to be touching and poking it. But because it’s pretty and because it’s hair, it’s fair game. That’s wrong. The day after school ends, she’s donating 10-inches to Locks of Love – that way, her hair will be easier to care for over the summer, she’ll be doing something to help others, and it will grow back enough by the time that school starts that everyone won’t make a fuss about her cutting her hair. If the hair-harassment (hairassment?) continues next year though, I may say something to the school-folk about it. (After she punches someone in the face.) It’s the principle of the thing.

And what’s more, the school seems to turn a blind eye to middle-school bullying, which includes punching, throwing things, and shoving. I can only imagine the challenge of trying to administer appropriate protocols in a large middle-school, but the offenses which are noted and punished seem to be minor – and seem to be identified haphazardly. Again, where’s the consistency?

Is there a solution to this quandary? I’m not sure. Maybe we all just need to relax? Or maybe we’re all too far down some self-destructive pattern of evolution for us not to be paranoid about appropriate touching being misconstrued?

Unfortunately, I don’t have the answers. I’m just here to ask the questions.

94 comments

Middle school is a nightmare in terms of bullying. Personally, we have had major issues with “mean girls” and much drama. Fortunately, the school she attends was wonderful about addressing the issues.
The hair touching would drive me nuts! People just think they have the right….just like with pregnant women, and of course, they don’t! I feel for her….wish she had some snappy comeback line for the idiots, or maybe she should just start touching their hair. Or no – that is gross. She might just have to punch a few people!

Middle school seems to be worse for bullying than elementary or high school, doesn’t it, Celeste? It’s truly high drama. Kelsea is sticking up for herself, which at least makes her feel better – hopefully she can hold out for 12 more days without punching anyone!

But then, there’s the other side. Take pregnant women, for example. The fact that you have a baby in your belly seems to say to everyone that your stomach is now public property.

Excellent point! Very astute observations. Some people are very territorial when it comes to their belongings. You must not lay a finger on any of their possessions without permission. You move the book an inch, they can tell. In contrast, other people have no qualms at all with the number of hands that make contact with any of their property (their body included).

Do you think that dogs and cats (maybe horses too) are the exception? It’s okay to pet said animal, unless warned that said animal doesn’t take too well to strangers?

Funny, isn’t it? Sittingpugs, I am one of those people who is kind of territorial when it comes to food – so is my brother, even though we’ve never gone hungry. (Sounds like a blog for another day!) Your point about animals is interesting. We all know that the wise way to approach a dog is to allow him/her to sniff the back of your hand – that seems to put the dog in the driver’s seat, so to speak, about touching, if the human is sensitive to the dog’s reaction. Cats – well, just watch for that quick turn of the head or claw- they let you know if they don’t want to be touched. Almost seems like animals are less reticent to let us know they don’t appreciate touching than humans are. As for horses, they’re harder to read, but they tell you if they like you!

I was so glad to read this entry. I used to have long hair myself – so long it fell way past my waist. I could actually sit on it. I usually put it back in a braid and, sure enough, people would always walk by and tug on it, as though it were a bell rope. That was one of the reasons I finally just went ahead and chopped it all off – I have enough trouble reconciling personal space issues with people I know and like. I didn’t need complete strangers adding additional trauma. My hair’s been shoulder length or shorter now for years. I can still do small french braids to put it up out of my face, but no one tugs on those. I miss my long hair, but I’m not likely to bring it back until people can learn to leave it alone.

Meg, it will be interesting to see how Kelsea reacts to having shorter hair. One of her cousins had hair like yours used to be – sit-upon-hair – and after she cut it uber-short, she never went back either. But being a total tomboy, Kelsea’s hair has always been her strongest feminine quality.

We went to China a few years back with our daughter who has a very unique shade of auburn red hair. They went completely berserk for it. We couldn’t walk down the street. Eventually I just had to put a hat on her head so we could go out. People here in the states touch her hair all the time too. In fact, people have come to a full stop just to comment on it and, inevitably, touch it. I usually don’t mind but after a while I, like your daughter, just want to punch people in the face.

Sometimes hugs are just tolerated. Othertimes people really need a hug. If all the attention were taken away and we couldn’t be loving and kind, we would soon be irritable and not easy to get along with. If someone says to stop bothering her hair, people do need to listen and stop. People talk too much, and listen too little. Sometimes they talk too little and listen too much!

I hear your rant – so many things can be very cultural. But your child’s hair that is her own space. Some people need to be told to back off!

On a cultural difference note – where I know live in France guys who know each other when they meet kiss each other on both cheeks – it is not sexual it is cultural just like a hand shake in other countries. If guys did this is say england well people would talk.
I have a blog http://www.crazyparking.com to show the mad way some people in Nice park. The police rarely ticket these people. It is accepted. But in Canada where I came from they would be towed. No questions.

Can totally relate to the belly-patting phenomenon. I think people don’t realize that even when you’re pregnant, your belly is still YOU, and not a neat appendage with a kicking, moving person inside that can be patted and touched as any other curious object. When I was pregnant, at first I was put off by all of the touching, but by the 9th month I actually learned to enjoy it thoroughly.

As for the touchy-feely paradoxes in society, I’ve met people who are great touchers: they’ll give you a hearty slap on the shoulder, pat your back, give a quick hug, and nobody’s awkward and everyone feels better. As for the rest of us tightwads, well we have much to learn 🙂

I’ve always been kind of a touchy-feely person myself, interpretartistmama – I find now that I have to consciously refrain from putting a hand on someone’s arm or patting a shoulder. It feels a bit foreign to me.

You bring up some very interesting questions and observations. It seems that we, as a society, are having some sort of identity crisis with personal space and boundries. I’m new to your blog but I have enjoyed browsing. I’ll be back!

You are so right! But I think society isn’t schizophrenic about touching- I think no touching and personal space is a relatively “new” phenomenon. And by new I mean in the last century societies have changed a lot. Most societies have gotten a lot more impersonal, such as cities and even small towns. So now people don’t really know many of their fellow students and neighbors. I think a lot of people are feeling a sense of anomie with personal boundary issues.

As I was writing this post, manorborn, I was thinking about physical communication 100 years ago – back then, touching wasn’t done either, but society itself was much more intimate. I’ve often thought of how you can go through an entire day of banking, bill paying, grocery shopping, picking kids up from school, and even going to work, without having any physical or verbal contact with a person outside of your family. How times have changed.

I can understand how your daughter feels. I had really long hair in elementary school, and I also would always wear my hair in a braid. There was this one boy who would always tug on it. Sometimes actually sort of hard. Everyone seemed to think that is was ok even though it annoyed me.

Back in my day, kids didn’t act up in school because they knew there would be consequences…but I suppose they’ve gone out the window nowadays too, along with common sense. And when my grandson was in school, he learned “Stop, drop, and roll”. His younger sister just learned fire safety, and they now call it “Drop, roll, and cool”. School boards need to get it together!

I enjoyed your post, and it reminded me of a recent incident involving a friend of mine who teaches elementary school. She is several months pregnant (and super excited as this is her first child), and one of the boys in her class wanted to give her a hug. The next thing she knew, the boy punched her in the stomach. When asked if he knew what was in her belly, he responded, “A baby.” This boy clearly knew what he was doing. He was suspended for several days, but I don’t know what punishment he has received beyond that. Clearly, there is a breakdown in communication about what is and is not an appropriate way to touch someone.

Yes, I understand what your saying. I wouldn’t want anyone touching me no matter what part of my body it was. It’s just repulsing. People can go to far sometimes. I hope everything works out for your little girl 🙂

My sympathy concerning Kelsea’s hair. Within the workplace, such grappling would be unacceptable, but public schools operate within an arena of extreme strangeness. They will expel a child for having a penknife, and turn the other way when another child mercilessly taunts and teases and even hits.

I agree. I used to get this a lot a child too. If I had my hair in two pony tails it would form two perfect spiral curls…and everyone wanted to poke them, prod them, touch them! As a kid not big on anything touchy feely this drove me nuts. The solution for me was to cut it, which thankfully I didn’t really mind. It is a quandary though. At the end of the day, if you enter someone’s personal space you should probably have permission to do it. Nice to see your daughter donating her locks to charity though, great cause.

That must have been cute, steviemonkey! In middle school, I too had a classmate who loved to touch my hair, even though it was nothing special. I told her repeatedly to stop, and finally just completely avoided her – it made me crazy. I remember complaining about it to my Mom, so this whole thing is kind of deja-vu.

Goodness, I can sympathize with Kelsea. I didn’t get a haircut, aside from the occasional little trim, until I was 11 or 12. Other people feeling like they were completely within their rights to touch my hair irritated me to no end. Though I wasn’t nearly as assertive, I was far to shy to say anything to the folks stepping over my line of comfort.

The only solution for me came with cutting my hair a significant amount. People lost interest, I was elated.

As an adult I’ve taken to being quite lazy with any hair maintenance and so it’s quite long again. One thing I have noticed is that, as an adult, people are far less likely to touch without asking first. I do notice that the asking first thing still doesn’t tend to apply to children or pregnant women though. Which boggles my mind because these folks are just as deserving of bodily autonomy as anyone else.

Sadly, no concrete answers for you or Kelsea. Just tell her to keep being assertive about her right to say who can and cannot touch her without permission. It’s a solid step in the right direction. A solid slap on the hand for the person not willing to take the verbal warning probably wouldn’t hurt either.

Katherine, the slapping option is a daily temptation – I suspect she’d get in more trouble for that than the person bugging her would, even though she’s voiced her complaints to students, teachers and counselors. If nothing else though, it is great training for assertiveness, self-control, and determining her own limits of tolerance.

You know, when you use words like ‘schizophrenic’ to mean things other than the mental illness it actually is, you’re continuing ableism – the tendancy of people to discriminate against people with disabilities.

For what it’s worth, I completely agree that we’ve got this absurd disconnect about who and how we can and can’t touch. That we avoid dealing with bullying and schoolyard fights but jump on top of kids being affectionate to each other is nothing short of ridiculous.

I hope you’re able to come to a resolution with the school administrators. That kind of being picked on is a distracting nuisance, and it’s probably disruptive to the classes in which people are doing this. Unfortunately, that may be the way you have to approach this in order to get them to listen to you, rather than pointing out that your daughter deserves to have her bodily autonomy respected. Good luck!

Thank you, Kali, for your point about using terms such as “schizophrenic” when referring to things other than mental illness. Guess I was taking literary license, but as I am involved in the mental health field, I should be more aware of the impact of such words. And I appreciate your ideas about positioning this problem as a distraction – hard to tell what will ring the bell with school administrators.

I can sympathize — my own hair hangs below my butt when it’s braided, and I keep it up in a wrapped bun almost all the time, mostly because it’s more convenient, but also partly because I don’t feel like dealing with that because, as a 44 year old woman, I’ll flat-out put my elbow in someone’s eye if they try it. I don’t find it “touchy-feely,” personally. I find it threatening and offensive, like grabbing someone’s breast on a public bus. Your daughter is young enough that that option isn’t really there for her, but she should under no circumstances have to endure physical harassment for ANY reason.

You may want to reconsider Locks of Love, though — they tend to leave most of the hair they are sent moldering in warehouses, and make very few wigs. Not too efficient, and not very helpful for sick people. 😦 A good charity is called A Matter of Trust — they use hair to make big nets that soak up oil spills, and they use EVERYTHING you send them.

Anyway, you are so right about the hair, and I really feel for your daughter. I had very long hair as a child and in elementary school through junior high school (and we’re talking 6 different school in 4 different school districts), I always dreaded school assemblies. Why?

It was inevitable that whoever sat behind me would feel the need to pull on my hair. Every school. Every assembly.

Looking back, I really wish I had said something to the teachers during the assemblies, but I was far too shy.

I wear a scarf because I am Muslim, so people cannot see, nor touch my hair. Before I began wearing a scarf, though, everyone marveled at it because it is so pretty, silky, and soft. I didn’t mind as long as the person(s) asked to touch it. (Or if they were family.)

I hope your daughter stops being tormented at school. It must be quite an annoyance.

I just had to comment about the pregnant belly syndrome. I have two children and with both pregnancy, numerous people, many strangers, felt compelled to “touch” my belly. I was in disbelief every time it happened. I too wondered if people would “continue” to lay hands on me after I had my babies. Thank goodness it didn’t.

I do wonder why they feel the need to do such a thing…something that is so personal and intimate. I have never done it to someone I know, let alone to a stranger!

I donated my hair the day after I graduated high school. It was so strange when I cut it because it was halfway down my back and I never realized hair was so heavy until it was at my shoulders from one quick snip. The people from school that I saw later were so upset with me. I was thinking, “It’s just hair, it’ll grow back.” But then again, I did have girls sitting behind me in class brushing my hair with their fingers and telling me how beautiful it was – I’m sure that’s better than pulling at it though..

Same thing happened to me when I was pregnant, a couple of women thought they could touch me. Hello! Don’t they know it’s dangerous to piss off a pregnant woman? Good thing they didn’t touch my breasts, I would have given birth in prison.
Another thing that people shouldn’t touch? Binkies. My daughter used a binky from the time she was born until she damn well decided to give it up, thank you. The first time my older sister tried to take it out of Sarah’s mouth, claiming “You don’t need that.” I had the come aparts. I think that was when I told her “I’ll be glad when your kid is born so you’ll leave mine the hell alone.”
She never touched the binky again.

I agree with you fully, that something has to be done to stop the uninvited touching that is going on there. I would also like to interject that I know three great girls, daughters of great friends, with full heads of hair at least 3 feet long and for the last few years, all three have donated their hair to the Locks of Love program. What is different though is that they live in a more rural area and don’t have a problem during the school year with anyone touching their long locks. None of them. Could it be that their more rural location ( you mentioned a large middle school ) makes a difference as to why the reactions are different? And what is happening in the crowded more populated areas that would make that kind of touching seem more acceptable? Ideas Anyone?
Bankruptnooption.

That’s an interesting notion, bankrupt (sorry). I wonder if there’s something about a more close-knit society, which I would assume a more rural area might be, that instills a stronger sense of respect among people?

I can understand why this drives your daughter crazy. I’m a hairstylist, and I have long hair. My hair isn’t as long as your daughters, but I hate it when people touch my hair. It drives me nuts. I think its rude. You never know where their hands were before they touched you. I remember one time a lady was eating fried chicken and when she got done eating she walked up behind me and ran her fingers through my hair. I was steaming!! Then she said, “oh I didn’t ask you if I could touch your hair.”
I think its great that your daughter is going to donate her hair. Im not sure what’s the best way to handle the situation, but I started walking away or moving when people start reaching for my hair. There have been times when I just tell them don’t touch it, and I smile when I say it to help soften my request.

That kind of thing would absolutely drive me crazy. School-age bullying and harassment is a huge problem, and I think one of the first steps is empowering students (especially women!) to stand up for themselves and their rights to a safe and secure community. I definitely took a lot of crap in elementary and middle school that now, as a college student, I would certainly not stand for.

I hated it too when anyone came up to me and patted my preggo belly…that would be like me going up to a complete stranger and patting their butt. 😦

I guess also it is a cultural thing regarding the hair. Where we live the girls will play with each others hair, debraiding, brushing, braiding it is part of the social interaction when they are little (I guess) but then when they get older their hair is covered anyway so it protects them from the hair-bullying anyway 😉

This post was wonderfully written 🙂 I found your blog through WP’s “freshly pressed”. 🙂

I always wore a ponytail when I was a kid, 30-40 years ago! Yes, the bullies pulled on it and yanked me to the ground, a lot. But I never even thought about cutting my hair off! Isn’t that giving in to them?!

Also, many nice people liked to play with my ponytail; little old ladies, etc. Totally not a problem. No big deal!

I work in a fantastic office. Your post reminds me how grateful I am that I work with good people who hug, play with hair, give real pats on the back, etc.

I think if that were the only reason she was cutting it, pyrit, it would be giving in to the bullies, and that’s not her style. I am glad that you have found a happy place to work – that’s a rare blessing!

Hear hear! Finally someone has some sense. You are right on the money about the hair – I used to have my hair long too before I donated it to Locks of Love – but yes, there is no sense of space when it comes to hair!

I can remember when I was in middle school the boys had contests to see how much junk they could get stuck in my ultra-thick hair, and one day 3 pairs of scissors was the end point. I also remember “boinging” my friend’s beautiful curls (and subsuquentially getting smacked for calling her “boingy”). My dad recalls tugging the braids of the girl sitting in front of him. It seems as if playing with the hair of beautiful young girls is a sort of norm, but it is annoying.

same thing goes for my baby (especially when he was still sorta newborn-ish). People just wanna touch him. “Aw, what a cute baby!” touching his toes and fingers, touching his arms and hands even touching his face. I was sooo ready to stab the next person that dared to touch him.

I have had long hair all my life. As a child it was a good deal longer than it is now, and believe me I learned how to use that thing like a bull whip for self protection. i know what you mean about people touching your daughter’s hair, i had the same problems. it seems like the person behind me in class figured it was perfectly acceptable to play with if they were bored with class. sadly, you simply can’t get people to quit. i’ve always been tempted to turn around and dig my hands in their hair and give a good twist. turn about is fair play, after all….

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