All skin and no shame

...innocence is just an illusion...

Title: Love in the IcePairing: YunJae/JaeHoRating: RLength: ChapteredGenre: Non-AU, mild angst, fluff, romanceDisclaimer: I don't own anything apart from the story. I wish I had YunJae and if I had my way, they'd move to New Zealand so they can be married here.

Summary: A script for a new mini-series is left in Yunho’s apartment by his manager, and as he reads it, he becomes more and more intrigued. Unbeknownst to him, one of the leads has already been cast, and the contracts signed. When he too is cast in the project after expressing interest in the part, he gets the shock of his life when he arrives for the script reading to be faced with a person from his past. Someone that he has spent years trying to pretend never existed. How will they be able to get through filming this without killing each other? Or worse…AN1: Do you remember the time...when we fell in love?

AN2: Oh and if you’re a new reader who has never read ICE, I really think you should because I will make a few references to it without actually spelling it out because the assumption is that everyone has read ICE and are familiar with the plot…

Changmin manages to get to the couch before his legs give way, the only one of the five men to move, he hunches over, hands over his face as he tries to get the words out of his head.

The remaining four men stare at the youngest, feeling utterly helpless.

All of them are lost in their own thoughts, fists clenching and unclenching as they recall the wretchedness of Jaejoong’s very being, as if he’s lost everything. As if he’s worth nothing. And he no longer cares. His words to Changmin were designed to shock, but shock is just the tip of the iceberg for what they feel. They are all recalling individual instances when they’ve been with the man, and the way others behave around him, and they all believe themselves to have failed their friend. Each of them would have stepped up and said something had Jaejoong been a girl, but he isn’t a girl.

He’s a man.

And thus, they are blinded by that simple fact, not realizing that though he is a man, he has always been different. The way he used to be with Yunho always kept him different. It made him different. Fans and celebrities alike see this, and treat him differently because of it. Jaejoong is right about no one daring to do what they do to him to Yunho, because he truly is seen as different.

The fact that he’s a man excuses the behavior of others towards him because he should be able to take it.

But that’s not right, is it?

It’s his fault, and yet it isn’t.

Despite being a man, he willingly and more often than not, explicitly, takes up the role of being the “female” in the infamous YunJae relationship. Whether anyone knows they were actually together is beside the point. Yunho’s masculinity was always highlighted and Jaejoong’s femininity in contrast, always lauded.

”Jaejoong is so pretty.”

“How can a man have such a pretty face?”

“Jaejoong has a pretty face. He’s very chic and reminds me of a cat.”

“Wow, the girls must be jealous of Kim Jaejoong.”

And it doesn’t help when Jaejoong himself and the people around him do the same.

”Yunho’s hugs make me warm.”

“Look, he’s blushing!”

“Jaejoong hyung is a small man and it’s natural to feel protected when someone taller hugs him.”

“Sometimes when I look in the mirror and see that place above my lips…I feel like kissing my own lips…”

And Yunho.

Where does anyone even start with Yunho?

”My mother? Isn’t he my wife?”

“Hugging Jaejoong calms me.”

“I like his waist.”

“His lips are beautiful aren’t they? He has red lips, but to the extent of wanting to kiss them… I’ll have to think again.”

So used to this from Yunho towards Jaejoong, no one bats an eyelid when a man makes a blatant pass at their hyung.

“How?” A broken voice cracks the silence of the room.

Joong Ki and Ah In close their eyes, wishing they were anywhere but there. They’re friends, yes. But on the level that these three men are at, they might as well be mere acquaintances. They are both uncomfortable and want nothing more than to leave DBSK to sort their issues out.

Changmin’s words from earlier keep playing in their minds though.

”No, we stick together.”

And is that very thing that makes them shake off their discomfort at intruding on what feels like an extremely private family issue. They really do need to stick together, for neither they nor anyone else, know what the point of the drama is. There will be scandals for sure, and all they can do is protect the best they can.

Ah In knows that it’s the least he can do. If his own personal life was put on display such as this, he’d want to be able to count on the support of his friends, and no one would better understand a situation such as this than the men of DBSK.

They will all stick together, for better or for worse.

“How can you let him get this way? Can someone please explain to me how it got this bad?” Changmin finally looks up, staring at the coffee table his hyung had been standing on earlier as he stripped, his eyes are wet, but there is a burning anger behind them.

“Yunho hyung—“

Changmin is off the couch like a thoroughbred from the racing stalls, turning around to face the man who misspoke, his eyes are blazing, fury etched in his features even as tears seep out of his eyes.

“Don’t you dare mention him. Don’t you fucking dare. Their relationship was their own business, but you knew what Jaejoong hyung would be like. You fucking knew how crushed he was and you didn’t protect him. That’s all on you. Both of you.” His eyes sweep over to Junsu, expression vaguely contemptuous as he rounds the couch towards his hyungs, body rigid in his anger.

All four older men of the group know their maknae. They know that he keeps his anger and frustrations to himself mostly, but when he hits his limit, he will lay waste to everyone.

It is easy to stop him.

But only Yunho can do it.

Jaejoong used to be able to too, but times have changed.

Yoochun closes his eyes because he cannot bear to look at the maknae. Guilt and remorse are eating at him. Yes, he knew. Both he and Junsu knew, but they also know that without Jaejoong they wouldn’t have survived. They allowed Jaejoong to do what he had to in order to protect them.

In their initial fear of the unknown and coming up against the SM juggernaut, and their subsequent relief at being able to still function, even at a greatly reduced level, they didn’t see beyond the surface hurt the man was going through.

The hurt they know the man suffers because of the split from Yunho.

Both of them focused on that, not bothering to look deeper.

Not thinking that they needed to look deeper for Jaejoong used to live and breathe Yunho.

And therefore to them, everything goes back to Yunho.

A mistake.

Jaejoong did everything he could for them at first, and then they all started to drift apart. The man who always dreamed of living with his dongsaengs forever was left alone for the first time in almost a decade.

Alone to fend for himself, both Yoochun and Junsu lost touch with the subtle nuances of their hyung. They lost touch with the friends he kept, where he hangs out and what he does. Wrapped up in their own, reasonably enriching lives, they briefly forgot the cost that Jaejoong bore for them to even make it possible.

Perhaps forget is too kind a word.

They didn’t want to think about it.

Jaejoong’s behavior was always put in the too hard basket, because the man truly is exhausting.

But Jaejoong forgives them even this, for he loves them so.

A love that they took for granted, not able to return it in kind, for no one…no one has the capacity to love the way Jaejoong does.

No one.

And this is what makes it feel like even more of a betrayal, for despite everything, Jaejoong still loves.

He loves everything and everyone above himself.

He even loves their fans more than himself.

“He didn’t have Yunho hyung but he had you. He was supposed to have you, and you let it get this way. I’m not even talking about the assholes pawing at him anymore. I’m talking about him. I’m talking about his mind. Something broke in him today, and when I last saw him, I knew he still had hope. Why didn’t you protect him?”

Changmin punctuates his last question with a pause after each word.

”Why.

Didn’t.

You.

Protect.

Him?”

Junsu sways on his feet, everything becoming too much as he is attacked by so many memories he is unable to make sense of them. Unable to un-see his part in the whole mess, he shakes his head as tears blind him, and he near topples over as he closes his eyes through the wash of pain filling his body.

Someone catches him, strong arms holding him close, despite being the reason for his weakness in the first place.

His whispers are soft, but everyone can hear them.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…”

—

Jaejoong is shaking so badly that Yunho doesn’t want to let him go. It isn’t that cold in the hotel suite, but the slim man’s teeth have started to chatter, and as Yunho approaches the bed, they seem to get worse with every step.

His whole body is wracked in violent trembling that he cannot stop. His hands are shaking, his teeth are clacking, his jaw refuses to cooperate as scalding tears flow down his cheeks.

And above all, he feels dirty.

Filthy.

“B-b-bath-bathroom.”

Yunho hears, and he understands, redirecting from the bed to the lavish attached bathroom.

It is warmer in there, but the trembling man in his arms doesn’t let up. His teeth are chattering so badly that Yunho contemplates kissing him to see if it will stop his jaw working so hard.

But he doesn’t.

“C-clean. I-I-I n-need t-to-to-to g-get cl-cl-clean.”

“I don’t think you can even stand so a shower is out. I’ll run you a bath.”

“P-P-Pl-pl-plea-se.”

Yunho approaches the large, slightly sunken jacuzzi bath, peering down and using his foot to turn the taps on.

The sound of water pouring into the large tub echoes around the bathroom. He sticks his toe in front of the stream of water, swallowing his yelp as it scalds him, chewing on his lip as he focuses on adding more cold water to the mix.

“H-hot. I wa-wa-want it t-t-to bu-bu-burn.”

The leader’s arms tighten around the singer’s body, but he does as requested, turning the cold water tap down marginally.

He tests the temperature again, and while still way too hot to be truly comfortable, it doesn’t scald and Yunho leaves it be.

Jaejoong is still shaking, but his jaw has stopped working over time at least as he fights to calm his body. He starts to wring his hands, disgusted at finding them so clammy, but if he keeps wringing them, he won’t touch Yunho.

He was never truly stone cold drunk, but he has consumed enough alcohol to make his already loose tongue even looser. Alcohol gives him a weird type of clarity of the mind, and he sees things he normally would have easily ignored were he to be sober.

“You can’t save me.”

The voice is matter of fact.

Hollow.

Empty.

Yunho opens his mouth to reply, but Jaejoong beats him to it.

“You don’t get to play hero this time. I’m the only Hero here, and I can’t save myself.”

“Jaejoongie…”

Strangled laughter in a tear-clogged throat as Jaejoong tries to clear it. “No, you don’t get to call me that. I keep thinking that maybe everything will be ok. Several times I’ve caught myself thinking and maybe even believing that everything will be ok, but you know what?” he suddenly laughs at his own words, that weird lilt in his voice back again and Yunho can feel the hair on the back of his neck standing on end. It’s way past midnight, probably already past one in the morning, and all thoughts and feelings of fatigue have all but vanished. In its place is a burning need to be everything for the broken man in his arms.

A man who won’t let him.

“U-Know Yunho Gwangju Family Land.” Jaejoong sings, going off track as is his habit, voice cracking as the memory hits him, of an innocent time gone by. A memory when Changmin was still truly a baby. “What have I done…?” he whispers brokenly as he stares at his hands. “What have I done?” he asks again as he starts to scratch at his palms, alternating between the two as an uncomfortable fission of awareness crackles along his skin. “What have I done?

He looks up, sobering as he meets Yunho’s eyes. “Why are you still here?”

“Where else would I be?” Yunho asks, trying to keep his voice as light as possible, as his heart sinks like a stone in Jaejoong’s river of pain.

“Changmin.”

“What about Changmin?”

“You should be with him.”

“He’s a big boy, he can take care of himself.”

There is a brief pause, and then laughter.

Not unlike the sound from before, but this is quieter, and a lot more shattered.

“You don’t get it do you? You’ll never get it because you’re Jung Yunho. You have to protect everyone, you have to take care of everything. I survived without you after being cast out so definitively by you, and now you think you can come back into my life and take care of me like I’m your fucking wife? I’m not your wife. I’ve never been your wife. That’s the damn kicker, isn’t it? I wanted so badly to be that wife to you, that I’ve lost my own identity. I lost myself, and what I took from our split is the fact that I’m U-Know Yunho’s pretty little ex-wife and everyone treated me as such.”

Jaejoong turns down to look at his hands, unable to look into Yunho’s confused almond eyes. The man can’t really deal in greys. All he sees is black and white. Right and wrong. Being in Jaejoong’s world of perpetual grey, Yunho sinks.

“I hate that I need you. When we were apart, I hated the realization that it’s always you who kept the wolves at bay. What kind of man am I? I’m not helpless, but yet I cannot even open my mouth to save myself because I chose this fucking path. I chose to be free but at what cost? I sold myself and sold my soul and I can never get it back. You protected me so well, but what was the cost of that protection, Yunho? Without you, there was nothing. You made damn fucking sure you were my only protection and when you pulled the rug out from under me, that was it.”

He looks up again, and he sees the regret and sadness mingling with the lingering confusion in Yunho’s eyes and he gives in, lifting a clammy hand, he strokes gently at a roughened cheek. He is so very tired. Mentally, physically and emotionally spent, Kim Jaejoong is running on empty.

And it shows in his voice.

“And the sad thing about this is that I let you. I was the trainee who’d give blood in exchange for some biscuits to survive. I was willing to live on the streets and do any job anywhere, just to be able to train and work towards the dream I had. And then you appeared again in my life, convincing me that it was fate. You swept me up and put me in a bubble. A pedestal if you will. I was only yours, and no one was allowed near me. You took the blame, and you took the fall for everything. You made excuses for me and pampered and spoiled me. And I let you,” Jaejoong chuckles quietly, a derisive sound in the large bathroom. “I let you because it was so easy to let you do everything. I’d forgotten what hard work truly was because you were there buffering it for me. You were such a prince, a knight in a blue tracksuit with the craziest hair ever, and I fell in love. I believed the fairytale for such a long time till the Hope Concert when your parents made damn clear to me that it was exactly that. A fairytale.”

“I told you what my choice was.”

“Yes, I know. You chose me. I know that now, but I didn’t know it then, but that doesn’t escape the fact that you were still rescuing me. I was your perpetual damsel in distress and it got to the point where I couldn’t function without expecting you to come sweep me up to rescue me, exactly as you did just now,” Jaejoong gazes pointedly down at their bodies. He is still being carried by Yunho as if he weighs nothing. “There is no balance. There was never any balance, but I let it get out of hand because it was easier. Easier till you dumped my sorry ass,” he chuckles. That mildly hysterical sound that Yunho is growing to hate.

“Jaejoong, you know I will do anything—“

“That’s exactly the problem though, isn’t it?” The older man cuts off the younger for what feels like the umpteenth time to Yunho. “It’s still unbalanced. You still want to do it all. Why can’t you let me be the man for once? I am a man. I’m not half a man, or a quarter of a man. I am a fucking man and no matter how pathetic I am, I’m still a man. I’m not a woman. That fact will never ever change, but yet it was always you who helped to perpetuate my role as the female in this relationship. I am not a woman, Jung Yunho, no matter how much I look like one, I will never be one. There is no princess in this fairytale no matter how much you and everyone else try and mould me to fit that fucking tiara.”

“I know—“

“Do you really? Do you? You want to marry me because I cook well.”

“That’s just—“

“Just what? The script? Please. Even our scripts hold truth in them. That nice little piece of information you shared about me crying because you didn’t like my soup? That wasn’t in the script, but pray tell, how did that make me look like anything but a petulant wife?”

“Jaejoong…”

“And oh how you gloated about always being the man in fan fiction. It was a fucking official couple talk and we were fucking fighting and that’s what you wanted to bring up? Congratulations, Yunho. You’re a man. A little memo though, so am I. This fairytale doesn’t have a happy ending Yunho, because I don’t know if you’ve noticed but we live in fucking South Korea.”

“I know we do, Jaejoong. I know—“

“I know you think I’m being irrational.” Jaejoong cuts him off.

“I don’t—“

“Just let me finish,” Jaejoong utters quietly as he once again starts to rub at his palm. “I no longer had your protection so I did what I had to do so that Yoochunnie and Suie would be ok. I talked, I sang, I drank, and I let filthy old men cop a feel or two. Nothing ever happened, but I did it because thanks to years of conditioning, it was the only currency I had left. I may not be a whore in the truest sense of the word, but I let my values go. I forgo my principles in order to put food on the table so to speak. And people have long memories. People remember it, and they still treat me that way even though I never ever did it beyond a few occasions in the very first year.”

Yunho shifts on his feet, arms definitely feeling the strain now as Jaejoong rubs the back of his neck idly. He is looking at the beautiful singer, but Jaejoong’s eyes have a lost faraway look, and he knows he has to let this run its course. This talk is so overdue it’s practically laughable and every word out of Jaejoong’s mouth rings true to him.

He did treat Jaejoong like a princess.

He did protect him at all costs, even if the cost was himself and his family.

And it was that final cost to bear that Jaejoong didn’t even ask for, or even knew about, that finally drove them apart.

He did take his role as protector, and even provider to some extent, much too seriously.

They never consulted each other, they just knew.

They were always in sync, always assuming what ran in the other’s mind.

They never talked, they just fucked their problems away.

And Yunho in his masculine arrogance, never dreamed there was ever a problem.

How many girls would love to have a man sweep her off her feet and take care of her every need?

The problem is, Yunho is in love with a man.

A man with his own need to want to be the protector for once. The provider.

The man.

Yunho took this role from Jaejoong without a by-your-leave. So subsumed into their roles as the mother and father of DBSK, they believed their own press.

To be fair, Yunho is certain that had they not broken up, Jaejoong would’ve been more than happy to continue being the pampered princess, beloved of U-Know Yunho, and none of these roles or issues would come up.

And well, leadershii isn’t quite thinking straight as he vocalizes that thought.

Jaejoong’s reply is quick.

“That’s completely irrelevant. It’s an alternate universe that never happened and we will never know what might have happened. Yes, I was very happy, but it was also irritating me. Remember our fights?”

Yunho opens his mouth but Jaejoong covers it with a palm.

“No, don’t answer that. I replay them in my head so much I can practically re-enact it for you right now. I’m tired and I just want to get clean. I think I’ve talked more today than I have talked about anything substantial to you in that last year of our relationship. Do you know how sad that is?”

Yunho’s arms tighten around the singer’s body, knowing that discussion isn’t over but he wants to ask about something else that’s been pressing on his mind pretty much since he laid eyes on his lead singer. “What happened today? You keep talking about being clean. Something happened…”

“I felt dirty today. Filthy. The way the PD looked at me…they pulled the fucker out of fucking nowhere to supervise that shoot and he was a disgusting man. Every time his gaze fell on me, I felt even dirtier, and you know what?” he pauses, clenching his fist as he closes his eyes, nails digging into his palm. “I felt like I deserved it. I felt like I was this debauched rock star whose only language is sex and the only way anyone would ever love him is if he gives them what they want.”

Yunho sits.

He just drops to the cold tiled floor, a controlled decent that doesn’t jar Jaejoong at all in his arms, but his legs are shaking.

Not from the effort or extra strain on his thighs from the additional weight in his arms, but rather from Jaejoong’s words. Jaejoong doesn’t deserve anything but to be loved. He knew it then, and he knows it now. A shy and insecure boy who turned into a breathtaking young man who still carried his insecurities but hid them underneath a strong body, glowing doe eyes, pouty mouth, and a runaway tongue, distracting the world.

And Yunho.

He distracted Yunho.

“That’s why I let them touch me,” Jaejoong whispers, voice so soft now that Yunho is straining to listen. “I hated it, but I let it happen because I no longer had you. It was my only currency. My face, my body. I had nothing else.”

“But you didn’t…” Yunho cannot even bring himself to finish the query as he closes his eyes shut, gathering the man he had promised to love, to his chest. He knows Jaejoong didn’t for the man had explained all this not a few minutes ago, but hearing it again…hearing it and knowing somehow he had a part in it. Maybe he’s the masochist.

Jaejoong lets out a half laugh. Short and curt, and immense pain behind it. “What if I did? What if I did? Would you still be holding me the way you are right now when you know full well I was only ever yours. Would you be so loving? So tender? Everyone is quick to vilify me because of my tactile nature. Everyone is so quick to call me a slut because I like to drink with my friends and I get affectionate with a little alcohol. When touching becomes uncomfortable to them, they quickly believe that I must be so comfortable because I’ve slutted around with all these people. It’s such a hypocrisy.”

“Yes, it is.”

“Oh, Yunho. You believe that bullshit too. Don’t even try to deny it.” Jaejoong’s chuckle is derisive as he finally pushes away from the embrace of the younger man. Now on the floor, he finds his feet easily as he stands, the trembling of his body subsiding through sheer willpower alone as he unzips his pants and heads to the filled tub. “Don’t think I forgot how insanely you reacted to that photo of Fuku kissing me. An unwanted kiss, and yet you were so willing to throw everything away once again. Your jealousy was my protection. No one would dare do that, not even Fuku if were still together, friend or not. But we’re not together.”

Yunho looks up as Jaejoong’s pants drop.

The man isn’t wearing underwear.

He takes in the arrow, the dark ink showing in such stark relief against that pale skin.

And arrow right down…

His mouth goes dry.

Jaejoong bends over to turn the tap off.

”But we’re not together.”

His words echo in his head as his hands clutch the sides of the bath. He clenches his eyes shut tightly, taking a deep fortifying breath, before exhaling very slowly.

Little puffs of air escapes his lips as he struggles with his messy thoughts.

But the thoughts don’t appear to want to fall into line. He needs to be grounded again.

He twists to look over his shoulder, at the man looking slightly wild about the eyes.

He needs his anchor.

Maybe he’ll let Yunho save him one last time.

“Join me.”

AN: I'm back at work and really busy, but LITI!JJ has routed my muses and all are silent, even Baby Joongie who is sleeping in his lap so we will have more as long as I have time to write.

Wow... really...I a total mess. I don't know anymore. Jaejoong seems so broken and so so so far away from Yunho. I wonder how yunho feels right now. All I can think about is that jaejoong deserves so much better and that he really is a fucking man and idk I just want to scream at the world for him and yeah... I'm totally feeling jaejoong. So freaking sad but at the same time I'm thinking that it's best that he really said all that. It seems to have bothered him to no end and he even thought he deserved that. I'm kinda really surprised because I don't know anymore which of all your jaejoongs is the most broken one. Right now I would think this jaejoong and the jaejoong from aini are the most broken once but really. .. I never thought that he would be so badly hurt cause of those things. I love how you made everything so believable and made it seems so true.

I really don't know what to do with dbsk here. They all so so fucking broken and all are hurt and idk. I want a happy ending so baldy for them but I really don't know how so I'm really looking forward to the way this story will turn out to be. I never thought that this fic based on ice would turn out so serious and idk I really just love this!

Of course all jjs would be quite in front of this one. I think this jaejoong might be your strongest one even though he is the one most broken. I love him. Your characters are always so real and I can't help but fall for all of them.

Thanks for.the amazing update. This really gave us a insider view on jaejoongs thoughts.

They really needed that talk (one-sided but still).Now that Jae stopped talking, Yunho should and then whole DBSK. They need to sort every little problems and misunderstandings that they had through these years. Only then they will be able to really protect each other.

Everything that was said in part a and b of those chapter hits home. It's like they would really feel that way. So sad.

.....and you put 'mild angst' on the intro of this fic? mild? oh nikki ;__;

i'm hoping beyond all hope that this isn't how the real jae view himself. it irritates me how so many people try to 'womanize' jae in their mind but i never realize just how destructive it could be for the man.

i wonder how you will fix yunjae in this fic, their relationship is just so dysfunctional.

my yunho bias is showing again, i feel more sorry for him, tbh. it is difficult to be the strong one, you are always held responsible for the weaker ones. i cannot stand jaejoong right now, reminds me so much of myself, i pity and hate him at the same time right now, for that simple reason. i do not think yunho sleeping with jaejoong will resolve anything, that is what they used to do in the past and nothing was ever solved. I am hoping, as ridiculous as this sounds, that yunho will just bathe jae, make him feel clean. and snuggle to sleep, fluff juseyo :(

hello! thanks for updating!! i love this fic, it is heartbreaking to know how much jaejoong suffered after the split!! i hope a happy ending with a reunion!! keep my fingers crossed ^^!anyway good job as awlays *o*!!

I really thought that everything was going to be ok already...on the road to mend broken relationships and stuff and then BAM!!! You drop this heavy artillery on us...like wow!! This is really heavy stuff and the later part was like re watching AADBSK all over again...albeit an angsty version....so yeah... wanna see how matters will be resolved...can Yunho redeem himself? And yeah...Yuchun and Junsu...how could you let things go so bad for JJ? (Although not irl I hope)...

oh my goodness, oh Jae, oh wow. How are they going to fix this? How does Yunho help Jae without driving him deeper into this role being defended and protected? Oh, poor Jae, feeling all that - wow. You did so well!!! Hehe, when it hurts this much, you can tell that the author is killin' it!! Thanks! Good luck with work!