Glover Teixeira Scares the Shit Out of Everyone, May Be Doing Some Kind of Voodoo

It’s funny how after 19 straight wins, people still doubted that Glover Teixeira was and is a supernatural being. To find the length of his winning streak, it’s long been easier to take the total number of fights in his career and subtract all since his last loss than to actually count his consecutive wins. But it’s amazing what getting caught illegally immigrating to America can do: the resulting visa problems can harm one’s career for quite some time, even though the “but come on, he kicks too much ass” argument is eventually likely to prevail. For years, Teixeira was out of sight and out of mind in the US to all but those who could stand to listen to the heavily padded esophagi of Shitdog Radio.

So it’s no surprise that my colleague Ryan, and some of his wide-eyed compatriots, continued to bet against Teixeira even after a 4-fight UFC win streak. The funny thing is that certain people have fished for bad things to say about Teixeira, calling him “slow” and noting that he does take damage. Some doubted his top-end power after he couldn’t put away Quinton Jackson. What those people fail to take into account is the fact that during his exile from the US, Teixeira was obviously anointed by a shaman or something to give him a magic fucking touch that makes him unstoppable despite any logic suggesting the contrary.

Now that he put Ryan Bader away after yawning off severe brain damage and has earned a title shot after 20 straight wins, airport security in America will probably constantly be searching him for shrunken heads, using TSA regulations against transporting dead bodies to save the rest of the light heavyweight division on a technicality. They need to do this, as there is technically no prohibition on in-cage witchcraft. Either that, or they could drug test him twice a week for the rest of his career a-la Larry Allen in an attempt to drain the fluids that give him his zombie power.