Don’t tell anyone, but I’m a bit of a tin-hatter at times. I mean, you know about my Skynet thing, but I’m also basically at Fox Mulder levels of suspicion about any and all government activity, and having been in the military with a certain clearance level, I can tell you there is a lot of shit going on you don’t know about say absolutely nothing more. That said, the madness going on behind the scenes in Texas right now is just ludicrous, and even I am pointing, staring and giggling. Sure, that’s not really a nice thing to do, but it’s Texas — *shrugs* — aka Bonkersville, USA. (Go ahead Texans, scream it out.) And when the mister sent me a link to this story earlier today, asking if I didn’t think it was batshit crazy, I replied, “Well, that’s just Texas in a nutshell.” (It’s okay, yell at me some more.)

Seriously though, there is some strange shit going on, and as The Washington Post notes, the internet is freaking out after that header map which was enclosed in an unclassified PDF began circulating. Firstly, in case you didn’t realize, the military plays war games all the time (not just in movies!). They’re practical exercises, and those type of operations are held both in the United States and other countries every year. “Operation Jade Helm 15,” the one that’s causing madness at the moment, has been in the works for quite some time, and Texas was actually chosen as one of the participating states because of its history supporting the U.S. military. The cross-service (Army, SEALS, Air Force, Special Forces and others) exercise involving over 1,200 troops will also be conducted in Arizona, New Mexico, Utah, Colorado, Florida, Louisiana and Mississippi, however, no one is quite losing their minds quite like the conspiracy theorists in Texas. A group of extremists who, believe it or not are being fueled by Texas Governor Greg Abbott, think the exercise is in preparation for President Obama declaring Martial Law, and dividing these United States into territories defined by their level of cooperation. WHAT??!! No, seriously. I know this might be getting a little confusing, so let me back up a second. After being advised of the upcoming military operation, Governor Abbott issued the Texas State Guard a directive to keep watch over Jade Helm, saying it’s “important that Texans know their safety, constitutional rights, private property rights and civil liberties will not be infringed.” Though Abbott claims his action is in keeping with supporting the exercise, former state legislator Todd A. Smith says the Governor is “pandering to idiots,” and after reading some of the things those conspiracy theorists are claiming, you’ll probably agree. Here are a few important bullet points of the crazy claims:

Feds are planning to take over Texas, which they believe (along with Utah and California) is a hostile state.

“This is in preparation for the financial collapse and maybe even Obama not leaving office.” (Alex Jones)

Abandoned (closed for renovation) Walmart stores will be used as supply centers, staging areas, and holding areas for political prisoners.

Should I go on? I don’t really need to go on, do I? Look, I’m not saying you shouldn’t be worried about your government; I’m saying you don’t need to be freaking out with the rest of the internet crazy people. Despite an informational meeting for Texas residents held by Lt. Col. Mark Lastoria, protestors said they didn’t believe a word the colonel said, and the fear rages on.Chuck Norris thinks it’s good to feel mistrustful and question what’s going on; Jon Stewart is pretty sure a military exercise is just a military exercise, and you’re going to have to choose a side. We already know where Texans and a surprising number of Americans stand. Despite the military denying embedded reporters during Jade Helm, if you live in a hostile state or are feeling suspicious, no need to worry — civilian surveillance is ongoing. We have each other, we have the interwebs — we have guns, and we can communicate. So, let’s all take a deep breath and maybe calm down.