Courage, Regrets and Supportive Poly Families

Have you ever been at a key place in your life where you were at a crossroads? Where you needed to make a Big Decision? Which path do you choose, how do you decide and who do you turn to?

This blog post is about handling adversity in our lives, what having the support of our lovers / poly families can look like, being authentic, building (or destroying) relationships, and finding what brings us joy.

I am writing this while having a very different perspective from past posts. You see, I took a stand last week. I changed the course of my life. I decided to follow my heart and my passions. I chose to be authentic to myself, and what I believe in. I solicited the insight and support of my poly family while I struggled to make the decision, and go through with it. I steered my ship in a different direction.

I quit my job.

I talk alot about being true to yourself in my posts, and reflecting on what would truly make you happy, deciding who you are inside and then reflect it outward, to your loved ones, to your friends. Be honest… first with yourself and then with others. These are the ideas that I try to live by. So I put my money where my mouth is with my own life path.

There were two main reasons that I quit my day job.

1) After 25 years in my chosen field (design / advertising), I have firmly decided that my values have changed. This career I enjoyed for many many years just doesn’t jive as much with who I am today. I have been doing much soul searching the past few years, embracing my polyamorous life and who I am and trying my best not to be ashamed of it, while striving to live courageously. This career is what I am trained for. It’s all I know. But I can’t pursue other dreams and other passions while I stay in a career that feels like a rut to me now. As I learned as a tot on Sesame Street, “You gotta put down the duckie, Ernie if you want to play the saxophone.” I can’t reach for a new and completely different goal, if I am clinging to familiarity and my own fear of the unknown. I realized I’m finally ready to take that leap into the unknown. I thought it was very ironic that I recently wrote about Facing Your Fears. It seems I was mustering up my own courage. Success begets success. I’ve had many triumphs over the past few years. I faced my fear of coming out as polyamorous to many friends and family. I embraced having a poly household, and not trying to hide who I am as much as I am able. I conquered my fear of LASIK eye surgery. I’m feeling brave. I don’t want to settle for a mediocre life and unfulfilling daily grind. I want to have a killer, awesome life, from every angle that I can control!

2) I talk alot about ethics here on my ETHICAL non-monogamy blog. Something happened at my job that did not sit well with me at all – it was just the nudge I needed to make a move. There is a young designer that works under me that I have been mentoring, as we work on her occasionally disrespectful, emotional outbursts and more towards professional, productive behavior. I recently discovered that she went over my head to my boss, threatened to quit, citing desiring more money (beyond the raise she just received in the last review I gave her) and complaints about me working her too hard as the reasons. My bosses responded by meeting her salary demands, convincing her to stay all while not consulting me.

As this was revealed to me, I could feel my face get hot, my hands start to shake, my temper started to flare. I fear my own anger sometimes. I’ve been working at learning to channel it, and learn from it, instead of stuff it down and ignore it.

As my bosses were basically asking me to make everything right again (after they had not supported me / or “had my back” after fourteen years of service) and essentially help clean up the mess that they helped create, I told them “I don’t know if I can fix this.” To me, this situation seemed beyond repair, partly because I had lost the passion to fight this battle. Besides it seemed the battle was already won. She got the raise she wanted, stepping on me to do it, and manipulated my bosses to achieve her goal… All I could think of on the way home from work was:

Over the next 48 hours, I allowed myself to get in touch with my anger when out of the office, while I was as professional and productive as could be in the office. I barely slept several nites as I weighed the pros and cons of what to do next. I talked for hours and hours, first with my dear, sensible husband, then with my practical boyfriend who lives with us in our little poly household. My decision would affect all of us for years to come. What to do… what to do… We collectively decided that this situation was bullshit, and we could pool resources and weather the storm if I purposefully shifted gears. I had been growing increasingly unhappy at this job for some time, as my values and passions have changed over the course of the last few years. Why ignore that? At the age of 44, if I’m going to do a career move, or learn new skills, what am I waiting for? The time is NOW!!!!! This is my life! I have to steer this ship. No one is going to do it for me. If it’s time for a change, time for a shift in how I spend my days, well then I’m going to embrace change. Afterall, change is the only thing we can count on. Maybe it’s time I pulled the rug out from under MYSELF, and jumpstart my life.

At the beginning of the year, I read an article that I am going to share with you. It has been rolling around in my brain ever since. It’s about regrets. The author works with terminally ill patients who had gone home to die. The author talked to them quite a bit, and had questioned them about any regrets that they had or anything that they would have done differently. This feels very relevant to this blog post, as I irrevocably change the course of my life by this one decision.

Here are the Top Five Regrets (link to the full article below):

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

Here, I have to once again, thank you, my readers. You have helped me realize one of my passions: writing about polyamory and communicating with this poly community, working with each other to try to help and support one another. I realize that two goals I now have are becoming an author writing books that help others, possibly a book on polyamory (please feel free to offer content suggestions to me here, so that it’s not “just another book on polyamory”). I also have a passion for mental, emotional and physical health. I need more meaning in my life and my daily tasks, and how I earn a living. I need to make a difference.

I am sooo excited for this next chapter of my life! The world is my oyster, as they say! Thanks for coming along with me for my polyamory / ethical non-monogamy journey so far here at my blog. Care to see what happens next? Stay tuned.

What about you? Do you have any stories of facing your fears, of steering your ship onto a different path? Do you foresee having any regrets that you might like to avoid? I’d love to hear your story. Feel free to share, as we support one another on our unusual, alternate lifestyle journeys.

Hey kitty! I am so proud of you! Way to go girl! It is so funny to me how this life works! You have been an inspiration to me since we began chatting after reading your blog. Now it seems our lives are kind of running along the same paths. As you know, I started my own poly blog and I am also working on authoring a book as well as moving my photography to a full professional level from a many year passionate hobby! It has taken much courage to take these steps and like you my sweet husband and my loving poly partner have both encouraged and supported me. I am so happy for you taking this step! I look forward to hearing your success story.

Thank you soooo much, Angel Barbie! Always great to hear from you. I hope we are able to meet in person someday. 🙂 Thanks for your kind words and words of encouragement. Change isn’t easy but sometimes it is necessary, right? It warms my heart to hear that I have been an inspiration to you. THAT’S what gets me out of bed in the morning. The ability to inspire. Let’s continue to stay in touch, especially since we seem to have so many common interests. I love photography as well. And I’m ready to start anew, using the skills I already have but strengthening new skills too. I’ll keep you posted! Maybe there’s a collaboration ahead for us! Squeeeeeee!!!! Life is an adventure!

I so understand. four years ago I quit my job and career (after twenty something years) to go back to school full time and finish my PhD. to become a college professor. It’s frightening. And things haven’t worked out just like I’d planned. I’ve not landed a tenure track job but I continue to adjunct teach. But if those things hadn’t happened, I’d never have become Professor Polyamory. In April, I’m doing my first conference (Froicon in Atlanta) presenting 2 sessions on open-marriage & polyamory over the span of life (we’ve been poly for 18 years). So……congrats on the new journey.

Thank you so much for commenting and sharing your story, Professor! Actually, going back to school for my Masters to eventually become a college professor is one of the things that I am considering. So it’s helpful to hear how the journey was for you. Fear can be immobilizing, or it can force us to act. I think there is a time and place for everything, and we have to do what feels the most right in the moment. Congrats on getting your PhD and being an adjunct teacher so far. 🙂 I love your Professor Polyamory site, btw. Nice work! And congrats also on the two sessions in Atlanta! I have been in open relationships for about 8 years now myself. Let me know if you are ever in the DC Metro area!

March 23, 2014 at 3:00 pm

R

Most people are comfortable where they are. Actually they feel safe at their present location. They are too afraid to venture the unknown (to them) territory. You have manged to acquire the courage to venture outside. I won’t decorate it with the word “jumpstart”. I want to describe it as living your life fully. You have so much to offer. If you don’t try how would you know what’s your limit? It appears you are trying. I wish you the best. Life… live it. Life… it is not about waiting for the rain to stop. Life… it is dancing in the storm. 🙂 We are all dancers here in this alternate lifestyle.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. This was something that was really quite helpful for me to read and you said it so well. I have been debating about venturing out into the unknown for several years now. It took me that long to muster up the courage to do it. The past few days, I felt the old fear creeping back in to make me ask myself if I was making a mistake. And I have new resolve today that this it the right thing for me. It’s important to force myself to grow out of the box that I am currently in. I do feel that I have much to offer and it is not getting tapped. I need to find ways to help others in a bigger way! Thanks so much again! Life… live it! I plan to. I am dancing in the storm with both my life and this alternative lifestyle. Beautiful beautiful words. <3 May I quote you in the blog?