The Most Hilarious News Story You’ll Read Today Is About a Snake Biting a Man’s Penis in a Public Restroom

In a cross between your worst night terrors and a well-written scene from a Farrelly brothers movie, a man in Ghana was bitten on the penis by a black snake hiding out in a toilet earlier this week. 34-year-old Kwabena Nkrumah was simply "attending to nature's call" in what is described as a "public toilet facility in a deplorable state."

Here's the hilarity that ensued, as told by the glorious translators over at GhanaWeb:

When he starred deep into the toilet, Nkrumah, who is a porter, nearly collapsed as he saw a big black snake which was about to pounce on his dangling manhood once again.

The man then shouted for help and jumped from harm’s way to a place on the toilet where the snake could not reach him, Mallam Yahaya of Kessben FM said.

According to him, the incident occurred around 10:00 am on Wednesday, adding that Nkrumah’s sudden wail for help, caused panic and fear among other people who were also attending to nature’s call.

He said Nkrumah’s shouts of “snake, snake, snake,” intensified the panic among the people as they ran helter-skelter without even cleaning themselves to avert being hurt by the serpent.

Mallam Yahaya said Nkrumah reported to the people that he had, indeed, been bitten at the tip of his penis by the black snake, complaining further that he was feeling severe pain at the tip of his manhood.

Recounting his horrific experience on Kessben FMs ‘Breaking News’ programme, Nkrumah told Ali Baba, host of the show that, he initially thought the pain he felt was normal until he saw the black snake lying just beneath him.

Wait, he thought it was normal? Because urinating usually feels like a serpent snacking on your foreskin? Somebody please get the film rights to this and entitle it, "Scared Shitless: The Ghanese Chamber Pot of Secrets." Don't forget your snake hook.