Your Blogging Staff

Contributing to this blog:
- "Dave" is Dave Barry, who is a humor columnist and presidential contender.
- "judi" is Judi Smith, who is Dave's Research Department, as well as being interested in men.
- "Walter" is Walter, a bone from the penis of a walrus.

POST AND PARCEL PLUS CUSTOMER OF THE WEEK SO FAR

March 27, 2006

24

I have been on bated tenterhooks of pins and needles all
week, because tonight is the night when AUDREY FINALLY GETS IT. At least I hope
she does. Last week the Evil Thong of Doom Sex Temptress Collette told Jack
that Audrey sold her some secret information to give to the terrorists running
around Los Angeles with the Killer Kanisters of Komplete Karnage. We know from the previews that
Jack is going to throttle Audrey tonight, but I'm worried that the only reason
they showed that was to get everybody's hopes up, and there's going to be a
Shocking Plot Twist and Audrey will somehow manage to weasel out of this and
remain in the show, and I will have to beat myself to death with the remote
control. We shall see.

Meanwhile, President Complete Handbag, acting under the
influence of Vice President Flagrant Villain, has placed Los Angeles under martial law. Naturally,
since Los Angeles
is a gigantic densely populated metropolitan area, it took the government
nearly six minutes to clear every single human and vehicle off the streets. The
lone exception was Deceased Former President Allstate's brother Wayne, who was
trying to deliver some shocking information to (I think) the Secret Service
agent who we suspect might be secretly servicing the first lady, when he (Wayne)
got run off the road, possibly at the behest of Vice President Villain.
Fortunately Wayne
was able to escape into a forest. (There are forests all over Los Angeles.)

Edgar is still dead.

Also there is now a German agent in the plot. Yes! A German!
Like it's 1945! I don't really know what the German is up to, but he's really
ticked off at Jack because Jack gave him an exploding memory chip, and you just
know the German is going to be on hold with Technical Support for HOURS before
he straightens that out. ("You say the chip exploded? Do you have the
serial number?")

So that's where we stand as of just before 9 Eastern
Thigh-Shootin' Time. I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted, and nothing has
happened yet.

UPDATE: You know, Jack is actually kind of short.

UPDATE: They're gonna torture Audrey! Be still my heart.

UPDATE: Jack wants to handle it heheheheh.

UPDATE: Proof? He wants PROOF? This is 24, you moron!

UPDATE: I like the way the main terrorist explains to the other terrorists, in English, what they're doing, for the benefit of us viewers at home.

UPDATE: Audrey's a SLUT! Chloe has the proof.

UPDATE: Chloe's a fun co-worker.

UPDATE: The WHAT Matrix Analyzer? I think Chloe just makes this crap up.