Joker: Hi-ho, couch potatoes! I'm interrupting the Toilet Bowl to give you my very special New Year's resolution. [Clears throat] Starting tonight at midnight, I, your loving Uncle Joker, do solemnly vow not to kill anyone for a whole year - which means I'm going to have to work extra fast to bump off a few more of you today!

Joker: 'Dear sir, we regret to inform you of the passing of Mister Edward aka 'King' Barlowe...' Ooh, there's good news. I hated him. '...who, in accordance with his last wishes, has bequeathed to you the total...' Two-hundred and fifty million dollars? WOOHOO!!! WOOHOO!!! WOO!!! Good ol' King Barlowe! I take back almost all the nasty things I ever said about him.

Joker: Yes! And if I don't pay I'll go to jail for tax evasion! I'm crazy enough to take on Batman, but the IRS?! No thank you!

Fake Harley: Hey, Mr. G? This money looks weird.

Joker: What do you mean? (Picks up a roll of banknotes) It's a plain ol' pack of hundreds. See? There's Ben Franklin's chubby little... (Looks closer) What? King Barlowe?! (It's King Barlowe's face, not Benjamin Franklin's, that's on the money. Joker runs over to an assembled block of banknotes) He's on this stack! And this one!

Fake Harley: He's on every one of these thousands.

Joker: I don't understand!

King Barlowe: (On deathbed, appearing on tape) Hiya, Joker. If you're playing this tape, you've probably figured out you've been had. Yeah, I left you some cash, but only ten million, which knowing you, you've already blown. All the other stuff - money, jewels, gold - it's all fake. See, I always hated your guts, and this was the perfect payback. By now, you're probably out of real money. The IRS is after ya, and you can't admit I fooled ya, or you'll be the laughing stock of the underworld. The joke's on YOU, sucker! I got the last laugh after all!(Laughs maniacally, trailing off into hacking coughs, and grabs his oxygen mask)

(Joker, infuriated, shoots the TV)

Joker: If I don't pay my taxes I'll go to jail, but if I admit Barlowe duped me I look like a fool!

Joker's lawyer: Maybe you can raise the money by pulling one of your classic routines, like them laughing fish?

Joker: Good idea, Ernie. Let's let Batman know I did it, SO HE CAN KICK MY KEISTER RIGHT BACK INTO ARKHAM!! (pushes his lawyer) Dope. Fake Harley, any ideas?

Auctioneer: Tonight, we offer a number of fascinating artifacts from the so-called "Dark Ages". First on the block is this. It is rumored to have been the personal branding iron of the Arthurian Era witch, Morgan Le Fey. Legend has it this piece has some sort of magical power... Gotham Auctioneers, Limited, makes no such guarantee.

Nightwing: I never thought it would end this way. For us or for Barbara. I still don't know everything that happened.

Batman: I'll never forget. I can see it as clearly as my parents' murder.

Bruce Wayne: [To his parents' portrait, as Gordon and the police come for him] I'm sorry.

Bruce Wayne: [answers ringing phone] Yes?

James Gordon: Wayne.

Wayne: Commissioner. What can I do for you?

Mr. Gordon: Drop the act. Ten minutes on Barbara's computer told me everything. Like a fool I allowed you to run wild on your private crusade. A psychotic misfit playing masked hero. Now I've paid for it with Barbara's life.

Wayne: Jim, believe me, I know how you feel.

Mr. Gordon: You can't.

Wayne: You know how I lost my parents. The only way I could hold onto my own sanity was to take matters into my own hands.

Mr. Gordon: That makes us even.

Batman: It's over, Tim. Gordon feels betrayed and maybe he was. He won't give up until he gets me. You have to leave me now. Give yourself up. No one will blame you for what happened.

Tim Drake: What about you?

Batman: I don't know.

Bane: We fight to the death?

Batman: It makes no difference now.

Gordon: There's no place to run, Wayne.

Bane: Good. I want to finish him slowly...

[Gordon fires a bullet near Bane's feet, stopping him from approaching Batman]

Gordon: I want him alive! Alive to rot away in Arkham, surrounded by the monsters he's created.

Bane: Poetic. But no! [attacks him]

Bane: [Bane has Batman by the throat near the broken Bat-Signal] Time to die!

Judge: Nevertheless, it is the judgement of this court that you, Killer Croc, are competent to stand trial for murder in the first degree.

Croc: Competent! Competent?! That's an insult, you old bag of gas! I'm not just competent, I'm as good as it gets!

Batgirl: What do you suppose they do on a date?

Batman: I don't want to think about it.

Doll: What's black and white and radioactive for twenty-thousand years?

Croc: What?

Doll: Gotham City after the big boom, silly!

Croc: Uh huh. So now what? We call the cops and demand a pay off, right?

Dahl: No. We don't do anything.

Croc: What?! What are you saying?

Dahl: The "Kewpie Doll" knows all about your little excursions down to the docks. I won't let you betray me again. When the reactor reaches critical mass, you and I will die together, and take all of Gotham with us!

Penguin: I don't know who you are, sir, but I assure you, all my transactions were legitimate. You see, I had no actual knowledge that the items were stolen. Given that, I don't see how the law can touch me.

Joker: Let's show the folks at home what really happened 7 years ago. I'll be Batman, you be me.

[Joker throws Jack Ryder into the vat of chemicals.]

Joker: [cornered by Batman and Robin.] How about that, Bats? You broke my face and got seven years of bad luck! Are you going to try for fourteen, or are you going to raise that anchorman out of the ocean?

[Ryder emerges from the sewers, mishapen and demented from exposure to the Joker gas and chemicals.]

Jack Ryder/Creeper: [chuckles maniacally.] Breaking news! [sinister.] And if you broke it, you have to pay for it. And now the weather: partially ga-ga with a fifty percent chance of schizophrenia! [lurches away, cackling.]

Creeper: [peaking through a bathroom window.] Excuse me, lady. I seem to be having a wee bit of an identity crisis... [the occupant screams and runs away.]Okay, I love you, buh-bye!

Creeper: [intense.] I want to strike terror into the hearts of criminals.

Thrift Store Clerk: Cash or plastic?

[The Creeper slaps the Batman mask down on the counter.]

Creeper: Plastic! [manic chuckle.]

Thrift Store Clerk: Ha. Funny.

Joker: I can't believe it: the buzz on the street is that someone's stealing my routine! Isn't there any honor among thieves?

Creeper: [confronting the Joker's goons.] I know you. Last time we met, you were working for - dramatic pause - the Joker!

Henchman Mo: We don't know nothin' about no Joker, creep.

Creeper: Creep? Creep?![beat.] I like it. My new name: the Creep? Nah wait, too negative... I have it! I am... drumroll, please. [Long pause.] I said "Drumroll, please"! [he drums on one of the goons' heads.]

Henchman Cur: Hey!

Creeper: I am... the Creeper![grabs goon.] So tell me, from one sociopath to another, where's the Joker?

Henchman Lar: His girlfriend's throwin' him a party, invitation only.

Creeper: Darn it! Left the invite in my other pants! So, what's the address again?

[On seeing Harley Quinn for the first time, Creeper beckons smitten with her.]

Harley: Hey! You're the creep who's been stealing Mister J's act!

Creeper: Not me. I'm one of a kind, toots.

Harley: What do you want?

Creeper: The inside story on the Joker. Also your phone number. [flirtatious growl.]

Joker: Batman was right! That teeth gag was predictable. Old hat. It's time I capped off our feud with his ultimate humiliation... followed by his deliciously delirious death.

Harley: Why don't ya just shoot him?

Joker: [appalled] "Just shoot him"?! Know this, my sweet: the death of Batman must be nothing less than a masterpiece! The triumph of my sheer comic genius over his ridiculous mask and gadgets!

Harley: Face it, Harl, this stinks! You're a certified nutso wanted in 12 states and hopelessly in love with a psychopathic clown. At what point did my life go Looney Tunes?

Harley: [voiceover] It took me three months to set up a session. I studied all his tricks and gimmicks, and felt I was ready for anything.

The Joker: You know, my father used to beat me up pretty badly.

Harley: :[voiceover] Anything except that.

The Joker: Anytime I got out of line - POW! Or sometimes I would be just sitting there, doing nothing - BAM! Pops tended to favor the grape, you see.

Harley: [moved] Uh-huh.

The Joker: There was only one time I ever saw dad really happy. He took me to the circus when I was 7. I still remember the clowns, running around and dropping their pants. [laughs] My old man laughed so hard, I thought he'd bust a gut. So, the very next night, I ran to meet him with his best Sunday pants around my ankles. "Hi, dad, look at me!" ZOOP! [drop his pants] Then, I took a big pratfall and tore the crotch clean out of his pants! [He starts laughing; Harley laughs along with him until tears show in her eyes]

The Joker: ...And then he broke my nose.

[Harley abruptly stops laughing and looks at the Joker with concern]

The Joker: But hey, that's the downside of comedy. You're always taking shots from people who just don't get the joke. Like my dad... [snarls] or Batman!

Batman: Was it his line about the abusive father? [Harley looks shocked] Or the one about the runaway mom? He's gained a lot of sympathy with that one.

Harley: Stop it! You're making me confused!

Batman: What was it he told that one parole officer? Oh, yes. "There was only one time I ever saw dad really happy. He took me to the ice show when I was seven..."

[Harley begins to sob]

Harley: [softly] The circus... He said it was the circus...

Batman: He's got a million of them, Harley.

[Harley pauses before wiping away her tears]

Harley: No! You're wrong, my puddin' does love me, he does!

[The Joker is pacing restlessly back and forth, trying to think of a plan to kill Batman. He has hundreds of them written on paper, and tosses each one aside and deems it unusable. The telephone rings repeatedly in the background.]

Joker: You've forgotten what I told you a long time ago. One of the painful truths of comedy: YOU ALWAYS TAKE SHOTS FROM FOLKS WHO JUST DON'T GET THE JOKE!

[He snatches the swordfish and whacks her with it, sending her tumbling out the window]

Joker: And don't call me "puddin'".

Joker: You know what they say: a bat in the hand is worth two in the belfry!

Batman: She almost had me, you know. Arms and legs chained, dizzy from the blood rushing to my head - I had no way out other than convincing her to call you. I knew your massive ego would never allow anyone else the honor of killing me. Though I have to admit, she came a lot closer than you ever did... "puddin'".

Harley: [weakly] My fault... I didn't get the joke...

Dr. Harleen Quinzel: [Bandaged in bed at Arkham, after her fall from the window] Never again. No more obsession, no more craziness, no more Joker. I finally see that slime for what he is: a murderous, manipulative, irredeemable...

[Sees a single rose in a vase near her bed, with a note reading "Feel better soon. - J" attached]

Terrorist: Let's make an example of this hero. A very tragic example, I'm afraid, Miss...?

Lois Lane: Lane.

Terrorist: Lane? Lois Lane? The one Superman always saves?

Lois Lane: 'Fraid so.

Lois Lane: Um...Superman?

Superman: Yes?

Lois Lane: Um, how can I put this...I was just thinking, it might be nice to see each other when I wasn't--I don't know, falling out a window or something. Not that I'm not grateful for all the times you've helped me, you understand.

Superman: I didn't think you were foolish enough to make trouble in my town.

Roxy Rocket: Well, with Batman missing, the other crooks in Gotham are picking the city clean. I thought I'd try my luck here.

Superman: Back up. What do you mean, Batman missing?

Roxy Rocket: I thought you'd know. Don't all you spandex boys have club meetings or something?

Superman: We're not exactly friends.

Roxy Rocket: Aww. I'll be your friend.

Superman: Where's your boss?

Robin: Around.

Superman: Okay, let's try this another way: where's Bruce?

Commissioner Gordon: This was taken by airport security two hours ago. I thought you'd be interested. [hands over a photo]

Superman-as-Batman: [takes it, stares at it nonplussed]

Commissioner Gordon: [points] Right here. Look familiar?

Robin: [wanders off a ways, whispers] Bane.

Superman-as-Batman: Ah, yes. Bane.

Robin: That was close.

Superman-as-Batman: [searching the utility belt for a grapple] You're telling me. The sooner we find your boss, the better.

Robin: Right side.

Robin: So how'd you do Batman's voice?

Superman: [As Batman] Precise muscle control. [As Robin] I also have a pretty good ear.

Robin: [Pauses, creeped out] Don't do that again.

Superman-as-Batman: All this sneaking around isn't exactly my style.

Robin: What do you mean? It's half the fun!

Robin: See what I mean about him acting strange? He's smiling!

The Penguin: Even if I did know where to find the Mad Hatter, I'm no stool pigeon. Why should I tell you?

Superman-as-Batman: A man's life is in danger. Isn't that enough?

The Penguin: You're breaking my heart.

Robin: [Whispers] Kick over the desk. [Superman looks uncertain, hesitating] Just do it!

Superman-as-Batman: [Kicks the desk over and into the wall] I won't ask twice.

The Penguin: All right, no need to get your feathers ruffled. It happens our capped compadre is attending a meeting of notable ne'er-do-wells. They're hatching a plot to capitalize on your... purported disappearance.

Superman-as-Batman: [Lifts him of the ground by his collar] Where?

Robin: Now he's gettin' it.

Bane: By combining our talents, we will rule Gotham City. Anyone we wish to imprison, you, Riddler, will entrap. Any from whom we require allegiance, you, Hatter, will control. And any that stand in our way, I will break.

Robin: He's really being controlled by aliens? Eugh.

Superman: I'm deeply hurt.

Robin: Sorry.

Batman: I hear the city's been busy.

Superman: Nothing the kid couldn't handle. I have to say, for a guy who's supposed to be such a loner, you sure know how to pick a partner.

[As Batman attempts to make sense of Riddler's wordplay using the Batcomputer]

Joker: Only you would solve a riddle with a computer, Butt-man! You've got the sense of humour of a rock! Lucky thing I'm on the team now, for stuff like this. But if I have to wear a flying animal costume, I want to be the Squirrel.