For Craig Hummer – a cork. May I quote The Who: “…You know where to put the cork.”
For the PRCA: a great big net so they can catch all the fish that are swimming away from them–toward the PBR.
For the CBR: more air time! (on TV, that is)
For Renato Nunes, because we haven’t forgotten him – a tee shirt that says, “The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!”
For Guilherme Marchi – a Hollywood contract, with billing above the title
For Sage Steele Kimzey – more room on his trophy shelf
For Jesse Byrne – wings. Oh, wait a minute–he already has them. They’re on his feet!
For the PBR judges – sodium pentathol, in large doses
For the PBR Booth Boys (a.k.a. “commentators”) – The “How to Be a Good Sports Commentator” manual by Jeff Meddows, Butch Knowles, and Donnie Gay

For me – Tee shirts with photos of World Champions Adriano Moraes, Renato Nunes, Guilherme Marchi, and Silvano Alves (there will undoubtedly be more to come) that say on the back, “Made in the USA–fair and square.”

For other people – a J.B. Mauney Action Figure, with a label saying, “Manufactured by PBR judges.”

You know what I’m gonna say: once again, J.B. Mauney gets billing above the title, because now he’s #2. Yeah, a whopping 4 points ahead of Kaique Pacheco. Let’s see how long that lasts. And Eduardo Aparecido is #1.

We are going to be subjected to a whole load o’ bullcrap unless Mauney drops out of the top 10—and even then, they’ll still be talking up how he loves a challenge, when the lights shine brightest, bla bla bla.

The PBR Hype Machine is in high gear, because they think their fondest dreams are about to come true. I’ll bet if the hype weren’t so relentless, other cowboys might ride better. This trip they’re laying on us is like psychological warfare—not just on us, but also against the other competitors. If someone could conduct an experiment by hyping a different rider to the max, I’ll bet that rider’s performance would suddenly improve drastically.

Craig Hummer’s usual BS about J.B. in 2013 – “J.B.’s historic comeback…” “Only history will tell…” Somehow Hummer thinks THE WHOLE WORLD is aware of bull riding and of “none other than J— B— Mauney!” in particular. Take a vacation, dude.

But wait—there’s more! Now we have to hear how J.B. is the best clutch rider Justin McBride has ever seen. And then we get a list of his accomplishments, some of which are actually the judges’ accomplishments, in math. He’s the best left-hander… “He is the best gunslinger we’ve ever seen…” Now Leah is asking J.B. about his “place in history.” We even have to hear about his interview from last week.

I’m gagging.

THE ACTION

Cody Nance lucked out with a re-ride because of Speed Demon’s rear end. Apropos of nothing, Nance was #2 in Sioux Falls.

Stormy Wing had no luck against Smooth Operator. The bull has a 21/0 record with left handed riders, and helped himself to a 45.

Marco Eguchi, who’s #14 in the world, has been in a fearful slump: he’s 5 for 22. Biker Bob launched him pretty high, for a score of 44.50. Eguchi hasn’t been up to par since he came back from being injured, and I’m bummed about that.

I don’t know why on earth Derek Kolbaba challenged his time on Circular Insanity, other than that Kolbaba’s from Walla Walla, and didn’t want to get bucked off in his home state. Jess Lockwood is the only one to ride this bull–twice. The bull’s direction change threw Derek out of rhythm, and his challenge replay made him lose time, as it usually does. BTW: I wish they’d fix that dual clock shit—get with the 21st century, boys; like maybe have two digitized, synchronized clocks, so that if one goes wonky, you have a better backup than some guy with a stopwatch. Oh wait; what am I saying? If you have two totally objective time measures, that really screws up the J.B. clock, doesn’t it?

Chase Outlaw on Big Black Cat– last time the result was an 87 in Sacramento; his time it was an ignominious attempt. 44.25 for the bull and a nice big yowl from Outlaw on his way down the corridor to the locker room.

Eduardo Aparecido had a tricky ride on Red Bandana. The aerial view showed the bull rocking Aparecido forward and back. Nothing good came of that. Leave it to Craig to say, “Will leave our World #1 seeing red.”

MUSICAL INTERLUDE

Wow. Warrant. Who the hell are they, and don’t they know the ‘70s are over? I guess the PBR couldn’t get hold of Black Oak Arkansas.

ROOKIE?

It’s funny which riders the PBR considers a rookie. Remember when they voted J.W. Harris Rookie of the Year (4-time PRCA Champion)? Cody Teel, with a 45% riding percentage, is the 2012 PRCA World Champion and 2015 CBR World Champion. He’s #13 on the Built Ford Tough Series, and is leading the PBR rookie race. He was showing his stuff, but on Kookaburra, started chopping away too soon; made it to 5.12, and helped the bull to a 44.

HEAR THE SOUND OF THAT FLIP-FLOP?

We see a clip of João Ricardo Vieira producing an 86.50 on Fire & Smoke–and a cute smile. Justin McBride says, “Nobody’s any better when bulls go to the left!” Um, make up your mind, McBride – either it’s your honeybun J.B. or it’s Vieira. So naturally the ride was reviewed to see if Vieira had the rope in his hand at 8.

PEARL HARBOR

We’re treated to a replay of Matt Triplett’s trashing by Pearl Harbor in the Championship Round on April 7. Yikes. Cody Lambert thinks the bull, one of 50 Chad Berger brought to this event, is as good as Bushwacker.

“What I like about Chad is, he never stops,” Hummer found it necessary to comment. Neither do you, Craig; neither do you.

When Shane Proctor, who has a 34.15% riding percentage, stuck on Pearl Harbor, Hummer lost his tiny mind: “Shane Proctor has just shocked the world!” Well, no; I’m pretty sure the factory workers in China don’t give a rat’s ass, but Shane probably shocked himself, with a 93.50. The bull didn’t fare too badly, either: 45.75.

In spite of Shane’s amazing feat, Craig of course has to mention J.B. first! I swear, nothing can get that man’s lips offa Mauney’s behind. “We always talk about what a dragonslayer J.B. Mauney is; well, this is his brother-in-law…” Can’t even give Proctor his due, when Shane did something his sacred brother-in-law couldn’t! Shmuck.

I JUST DON’T GET IT

Yet another BadBoyMowerHo telling people to “Mow with an attitude.” It is so unbelievable to me that this company’s ad agency is trying to sell a freakin’ LAWN MOWER as some kind of tough-guy chick-magnet.

Aaand back from commercial, we hear more jawing about J.B. And of course it’s about how he might have another World Championship.

ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE

“I was leading the charge on his band wagon,” McBride proclaimed about Rubens Barbosa. Um, so let me see if I understand this, Justin: you were in the front ranks of some amorphous group trying to attack the Barbosa fan van? Or were you riding on his wagon, leading the charge of this group toward somewhere? You’re giving me a headache.

BULLS

Matt Triplett, who has a 44.34% riding percentage and won in Sioux Falls, took on Tractor Tippin. Well, that bull wasn’t tippin’ any tractors, but Matt still scored 87.75.

Nance’s re-ride was Brown Sugar. Apparently everybody rides Brown Sugar, but he “turns out to be a little sour for Cody Nance,” says the ever-clever Craig. According to Ty Murray, you’d get razzed in the locker room if you didn’t. Wish I had a cowboy cam following Nance down the hall after that.

Poor Midnight Moon—he was bucking backwards in a desperate attempt to dislodge Cooper Davis, then finally gave up. The poor thing was so freaked out; he tried everything in his repertoire, and didn’t know what else to do, so he quit. Re-ride for Davis.

Cooper Davis was on After Party. This is the first time I’ve ever seen this bull be “meh.” The 85 was all Cooper’s doing.

Kaique Pacheco was OTC, getting ready to go out on Asteroid, who has 18 straight buckoffs, and has been ridden once in his last 49 outs. Everyone keeps saying how this bull has lost a step, but that’s all relative. He now knows he doesn’t have to kick out the lights to dump a rider.

CAN I JUST BE JUVENILE FOR A MOMENT…
and say, “Fake out!”

Before we see J.B. getting ready to ride (accompanied by the music to cue the crowd to cheer), we have to see a video of his ride on Bruiser. Then we get the list of Mauney’s Greatest Hits. Hummer actually called him “the greatest rider ever.” OMG Hummer, put your tongue back in your mouth!

Spotted Demon, who is 2 for 38, blew Mauney off at 4.74, and scored himself a 44.75. The Booth Boys all skipped that part and started talking about J.B.’s awful landing. What they seem to have missed was that it could have been a lot awfuller. (I’m sure that’s a cowboy word, right?) J.B. put his arms out first to take the impact on his hands and shoulders, then rolled into a backwards somersault. That’s good survival technique. If he hadn’t done that, he would’ve crashed onto his neck and head. The bull’s landing was pretty bad, too—he skidded onto his nose.

The only thing in the sports world worth talking about this month (and for years to come) is Guilherme Marchi’s 600th ride on the Built Ford Tough Series—for several reasons.

He was the 2008 PBR World Champion—a long time ago, in bull rider years. A lot of the guys he rode against are retired now—not Guilherme.

A few years ago he was seriously thinking about retiring and going back to Brazil.

He didn’t.

When his marriage fell apart, he let people know how he felt. He didn’t pretend to be some superhuman beast without feelings. His riding stunk for a while. He’s human.

Marchi said 2015 was the worst year of his career. His bull in Thackerville stumbled, gave him a shot in the knee, and tore his MCL and PCL. Marchi was out for 1/3 of the season with his knee injury and needed surgery. During the year he got divorced, he had to sit out the Finals because of his knees and bicep surgery. Lots of rehab exercises. “But let’s see what God has planned for me,” he said optimistically.

He could have decided he was done; being 30 makes you an old man (again, in bull rider years), and he didn’t have anything left to prove.

Instead he really cowboyed up—in the best sense of the word. He doubled down on his fitness regime, rededicated himself to the sport, and came out swinging. It was just so improbable, and a lot of people expected his burst of energy and determination to be short-lived. Ha.

In the “Fearless” Netflix mini-series, Marchi said, “I have always told my mother and father I want to die inside the arena, doing what I love most in my life, which is bullriding… Die happy.” I can understand the fantasy, but it made me want to kill him. It’s the kind of thing a teenager says. He has kids. Not so happy for them if he died in the arena.

“I need to be proud for myself for everything, for be 34 years old and still ride good – like 50%. [Note: 56.07% is the exact figure for his career so far.] Spend a lot of time work out, to get on bulls, a lot of preparation myself to be here, to stay strong and still compete with the best bull riders in the world. I wish I never stop, I wish I still doing good for the rest of my life, but pretty soon I need find another job or do something different, but for the beginning through now, everything I did, I did it with my heart, my blood. Never give up. I try my best…But it’s not easy, because we compete with the best in the world.”

I don’t know what other job you do after being one of the best bull riders in the world, but I’m pretty sure that whatever he does, Marchi will do it with his whole heart.

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This is more like a stream-of-consciousness rendering of the rest of the Iron Cowboy event.

Round 2

Of course the lead-in to the CBS broadcast has to include 2012 Iron Cowboy, J.B. Mauney, as if he’s about to win the event. Never mind João Ricardo Vieira, who won it twice (2014 and 2015). They also commented on Jess Lockwood not being here–because those are the only two guys who count: The Great White Hope and his anointed successor. Keep hoping, PBR bosses, because I don’t think it’s gonna happen.

Pay attention to Claudio Montanha, Jr. instead. And Cody Teel, former PRCA and CBR champion. He even beat Sage Steele Kimzey, which is just about impossible to do.

Aaaand of course the first interview is with J.B. Leah Garcia, still searching for elusive words of wisdom from the Fan Favorite, gets this: “Stay on. That’s the name of the game here. Make the whistle.” “Stay on. That’s my job, the rest will take care of itself.” SO profound. OY. And I am so sick of that fake humility.

“My attitude was to try to be first every time.” –Ty Murray. As opposed to all those other guys who try to be second every time.

Thank god Chase Outlaw shaved. It makes him a little less difficult to look at. Gotta give him props for that round 1 ride on Buckeye Bill, though: worth the 88.25.

João Ricardo Vieira drew Brutus; unlucky for him. The first jump set him up for failure. “It only took one up, and JRV was the one down.”—Craig Hummer accurately (for a change) describing this unpleasant out. 45 for the bull. BTW did you know that Vieira “lightly slammed” his bull rope against the out gate in Kansas City? I never knew you could lightly slam something. Another chuckle, courtesy of Justin Felisko, PBR scribe.

For the 3rd week in a row, Eduardo Aparecido has drawn Jack Shot. Tell me that’s an accident. “He just keeps making bull rider moves”—Ty Murray, reaching the pinnacle of insight. 90.50 for a great ride.

Spotted Demon turned Wallace de Oliveira into a helicopter. This is the bull that tanked Guilherme Marchi for a while.

Claudio Montana, Jr. looked good on Bad Beagle, a Jared Allen bull. Montana won the PBR Brazil title and debuted in Kansas City last week, impressing everybody. This time: Aww! He looked like he had a lock on that bull—WTF happened at 6.71? He landed in a backward somersault, on his head. The Booth Boys think he lifted his leg too soon; he was overconfident. I guess that’s better than being underconfident, but neither attitude helps.

Freak of Nature’s trip down the rail would’ve been a re-ride, but Reese Cates got bucked off; another backwards somersault, landing on his head. He challenged the call, but didn’t prevail. There may have been a little irregularity at the chute, but not enough for the judges to think he was fouled.

Fabiano got Red Rover to come over. (Ha!) “If you’re riding a bull easy, don’t make it hard,” was Justin McBride’s assessment of what Vieira does: he keeps VSage Steele Kimzey, it simple. True dat. Score: 86.50. They were so eager to get to JB’s ride, they didn’t bother to announce Vieira’s score. You have to look for it, or listen hard to the arena announcer, who usually tells the crowd the score. Come on, Booth Boys—do your job. Stop licking JB’s boots for a while.

They were babbling that JB’s the best at riding rank bulls (EVER, I suppose), but Mystical bucked him off in NYC last month. This time the bull fell down, and JB got bucked off at 7.61, in an impressive flying dismount. He challenged the no-score, and received a re-ride option. He had made every possible effort to stay on, even without a rope in his hand—which of course would automatically be a no-score. The re-ride was offered because the bull hipped himself, causing him to fall down. The weird thing is that the bull’s action didn’t stop—now there’s a bovine who knows his job!

Shane Proctor, last year’s Iron Cowboy, prepares his own food and brings it on the road to keep the 10 lbs. he lost at bay. I’m curious what a bullrider healthy meal is. He could tout this as a new weight-loss plan. Anyway, Hey Jack scored 44.50 off him.

Rubens Barbosa, world #2, took on Stone Sober. “To be a special bull, they have to be a little freaky in their head” was Ty’s analysis. “The more psychotic they are in their head, the more athletic ability you see come out of them.” I don’t know; I don’t think Bushwacker was a mental case; he was just really smart and ridiculously athletic. Barbosa, however, had no chance. The bull came out backwards with a big jump. Or would that be a kick?

So now Eduardo and Fabiano are #1 and #2 in the event.

JB’s re-ride was Naughty List. “He [JB] really is a freak of nature. He’s never worked out a day in his life. He’s got that Gumby kind of body.”—Ty, revealing his age– and mine, since I know who Gumby is—and it ain’t from watching Eddie Murphy play him on Saturday Night Live. (“I’m Gumby, dammit!”) “But there will be no fairy-tale ending on this occasion,” intones Hummer about the result of the match. That’s because the judges didn’t get to write the script this time.

Supposedly this is the biggest house of the year, according to Craig. I really wanted a pan of the stands to see if there are empty seats, because when they say things like this, there usually are.

Luciano de Castro, 20, made it to 5.26 on Air Time, who is also a freak, according to Ty. 45.25 bull score.

Mason Lowe on Smooth Operator, for 90.75, moves to the lead. That’s a .25 ding for Eduardo. Now, do we really believe Mason’s ride was better? Or was it the bull? Nope; both bulls scored 44.75. So…

Cody Teel, who rode in the previous round, had to take on Bruiser, helping the bull to a 46.

Oh, god; another Bad Boy “Mow with an attitude” spokesfloozy. Could somebody explain to me what exactly that attitude is? “I’m gonna grind this grass into the ground! Yeah! I’m gonna cut it till it bleeds!”? Very attractive.

Round 3

Fabiano on Honey Hush made an unbelievable recovery from being out of position tilting on the right side of the bull. 88.50

Aparecido pulled Big Black Cat, “a very rider-friendly bull,” per Craig. Eduardo rode him (the bull, not Hummer) away from his hand. 88.75

Mason Lowe on Fire and Smoke looked like a lock, but arrgh! 44 for the bull.

“And then there were two: the Brazilians will move on.”—Hummer being a jerk and emphasizing nationality. Would he ever say, “Two Americans will move on”?

I’m loving the Cooper Tires commercial, and now it’s gonna be stuck in my head. “Cooper tires on the ground go round and round…”

Round 4

Fabiano had to tackle Cochise, who has beaten him twice. Vieira naturally was put OTC. I think he wasn’t set before he had to nod; he didn’t look happy coming out of the chute. The result was equally unhappy.

Eduardo rode Catfish John, to win the event. Score? The Booth Boys don’t bother to tell us. 89, I found out. Aparecido pulled himself back up when he was out of position tilting on the side of the bull. He’s now #1 in the world. Of course Leah asked him a question he didn’t know how to answer (as she does with many people). At least this question didn’t have three dependent clauses.

About the money: somebody please ‘splain: A Feb. 15 story on the PBR website says, “The Iron Cowboy event winner will receive a total of $100,000, including $50,000 from Bad Boy Mowers as part of the Bad Boy Mowers Major Bonus Program, providing $200,000 over the course of the four PBR Majors this season.” Aparecido won $138,766.67, according to the PBR website. What an oddball number. Does that mean, after taxes? To make it more confusing, in a photo on the PBR website, Aparecido is standing between two $50,000 checks. (Last year, winner Shane Proctor took home $115,625—another oddball number.) Does anyone understand this math? Please let us all know!

The deciding factor in Fabiano’s and Eduardo’s successful rides: the guys pulled themselves back up to center when they were out of position; they were willing themselves to win—and they have the core strength to do it. Odds are that most riders would let themselves get bucked off at that point.

It was fun to see a pack of Eduardo’s “compatriots” flinging him up in the air. Cute! I’m sure bull riders don’t think of themselves as cute, but they were; it was like seeing a bunch of kids win a ball game.

Since I’ve been focused on other things the past couple of months, I thought I’d crank out this one right away, instead of dragging myself (and you) through something that happened a week (or more) ago.

OH FOR GOD’S SAKE!!

“Two-time world Champion JB Mauney is placed among the greats” is the first thing we hear. “Can the “Mauney Making Moments” begin here (or whatever the rest of that stupid sentence was)?” The voiceover spewed all this garbage hype about the PBR’s favorite–regardless of the fact that Mauney’s #15 out of the 15 riders here. God forbid the PBR should do the same hype for 3-time (I mean 4) World Champion Silvano Alves! “Uncharacteristically first out of the gate,” Craig Hummer dissembles, trying to put a spin on the fact that Mauney is at the bottom of this particular pile. The PBR is never going to give you reality. They’ll say anything to keep up the pretense that Mauney is still on top—which he hasn’t been so far this season, in case anyone’s interested in the truth.

And after all the Hummer-McBride gabbling about how JB is going to make up for his performance last time (1 for 3 in Anaheim), he’s bucked off in a second and change, by Wired Child, who scores a 44. He sure looked bummed, but I don’t care anymore. And as if we don’t get enough of JB, now we have to see him in commercials—two in a row, no less. (Wrangler & the PBR shop)

NOT HERE TODAY

Guilherme Marchi got hurt at last week’s Championship Round in Anaheim, and I’m glad I wasn’t there. Seeing it in replay was bad enough. He hit his head, then got stepped on so badly, on his lower back, that he was knocked unconscious. That’s the first time I’ve ever seen this happen to him; it was frightening to see this strong guy flat out on his stomach in the dirt. (It was the same horrifying situation years ago at Mohegan Sun, when Validiron de Oliveira was knocked out; seeing that big strong guy not moving scared the crap out of everyone.) Marchi got a concussion, so he wasn’t competing today. It looks like the PBR is being more cautious about clearing concussed cowboys to ride, after all the publicity about Ty Pozzobon’s death. BTW, if you haven’t read it, Maclean’s magazine, from Canada, did an excellent job of examining Ty’s situation. Tanner Byrne in particular gave information we wouldn’t have known if it weren’t for writer Charlie Gillis. The only thing Gillis did wrong was calling Pozzobon a “rodeo star.” As the old PBR slogan said, “This is not a rodeo!” Here’s the link to the article: http://www.macleans.ca/sports/with-a-stars-death-rodeo-meets-its-nfl-moment/

MONSTER BULL ACTION

Stone Sober vs. Matt Triplett: The bull’s first move, almost right there in the chute, was a kick at the ceiling. Bye-bye Matt.

Ryan Dirtwater on Deep Water: “This bull can be special, but also sometimes a little ordinary”?? Justin, what?? The bull crashed himself sideways across the gate just after exiting; he was in a damned hurry. Ryan was flung off, and then got stomped. He’s offered a re-ride, but if you need to be helped off the dirt, maybe taking a re-ride isn’t such a good idea.

Mason Lowe made it almost to 5 seconds on Cochise, which is miraculous, considering what a monster that bull is.

Cooper Davis went flying off Hey Jack almost immediately out of the gate. 44.25 for the bull.

Dener Barbosa had the misfortune to get on Seven Dust (who, BTW, made his entrance in a cloud of dust). Barbosa bailed; he knew it wasn’t going to get better. Bull score: 44.50

Smooth Operator rolled to one side, rocked to the other, and Mike Lee became acquainted with the dirt.

Shane Proctor, who has a 33.33% riding percentage, got on Honey Hush, but I guess losing those few pounds didn’t help him stay on.

BULLETIN! Fabiano Vieira was not OTC! Made it to 6.04 on Brutus. Another 44.50 bull score.

Ryan Dirteater’s Little Red Jacket re-ride was also a major ouchie: this time he got thrown against the bucking chute, then landed hard on his right hip. The list of his major injuries is horrendous. He couldn’t get up off the ground without help from Sports Medicine. Meanwhile, the bull kept spinning like a coked-up top.

Eduardo Aparecido met up again with Jack Shot, and the bull won the rematch. Another 44.50 score.

Kaique Pacheco, #5 in the world, got on Moto Moto “in great position to move the momentum over to the right,” Craig babbled. Oh, for Christ’s sake, Hummer, learn the English language! What on earth are you trying to say?? I guess all Kaique’s fidgeting in the chute while OTC was necessary. He really was determined on that bull, keeping his eyes on the hump. The score was 86.75; the bull’s was 44.25.

ANNOYING: Craig generalizing about how all the Brazilians study every bull they’re going to get on.

Derek “the Kolbaba Kid”—one of those fake nicknames Craig invents and tries to make stick—made a Mike-Lee-worthy plop! when Mystical made him hit the ground. 44 for the bull.

Marco Eguchi, with a 62.50% riding percentage, got on Bruiser, last year’s World Champion Bull. Damn, after all that announcer talk about what a good matchup it is, Marco was history after one rotation by the big boy. 45 for Bruiser.

Pearl Harbor, who came in at 21/23, literally flew in mid-air out of the gate. Rubens Barbosa looked like he was going to ride, which would have been impressive, but Aww! he came off. 46.25 for P.H., making his stat 21/24.

Jess Lockwood has a 57.89% riding percentage, but had to face Long John. “That’s how JB Mauney has made a [something-or-other] in the PBR: by riding the unrideable bulls,” says Justin McBride (apropos of nothing). Let me clarify something here: if a bull is unrideable, that means nobody can ride him, period. If you want to say “nearly unrideable,” then you can say that JB rode him. And so did JW Harris, and Nathan Schaper, and Guilherme Marchi, and Douglas Duncan. As Lockwood was in the chute, we had to endure a lotta hype from the Booth Boys, while there was a lotta prep from the kid (and you know they’re never gonna put Jess OTC), and a harsh buckoff—with a stomp from a hoof on his leg. 45.25 goes to Long John. I’m feeling sorry for Jess already; the PBR hype machine has decided he’s the Next Great White Hope, and already have him posing for boy-band type publicity shots. Don’t listen to them, Jess! Stay sweet!

Kaique Pacheco wins, with the only ride of the night. (The bull power here was exceptional. Scary exceptional.) Being interviewed afterward, Pacheco looks so freakin’ calm, it makes me laugh. Props to Leah Garcia for pointing out that Kaique is the World back-to-back Reserve Champion. His comment: “I’m good, but a little sore, my leg.”

I love that the bulls’ outs during the regular season will now count toward the World Champion Bull title. I feel vindicated, after talking about this every year, saying how unfair it is that a bull who’s done well all year should be judged on two outs at the end. A bad day means losing the title. This is a much fairer system—and I’m sure the contractors are happy, too. Thanks, PBR!

From the last day in Chicago:

Stetson Lawrence almost lost it on Soldier’s Pride, but managed to move his arm into the right place after some flailing. Scored an 84, but it wasn’t for the glory: “I just didn’t want to get hit by those big horns, so I just tried my butt off.”

Guilherme Marchi’s dismount from Cracker Jack was pretty unorthodox: he came off the bull, flew through the air, then stuck to the gate. Leah Garcia asked him, “What do you call that dismount?” “Spiderman,” he says with a big grin.

Brady Sims was on Ante Up for what seemed like a long 8 seconds. When the bull changed directions, Sims practically sat on his riding hand to stay in place. Score: 85.75. Justin McBride explained Brady’s strategy: “It’s all about gettin’ in the middle.”

In the Championship Round, Ryan Dirteater again picked After Party as his dancing partner. Ryan has ridden him 5 out of 7 times. Asked why he chose the same bull, Ryan delivered the only sensible answer: “Why wouldn’t I pick him?”

In the chute, Wicked Stick was poking his nose through the gate, sizing up the arena while Marchi was getting prepped. Marchi was hanging on sideways near the end of ride #585, but after he scored his 83.25, he told Leah: “Never give up—I try, try until the end.”

Jess Lockwood, who with a 71+% riding percentage is too good to be true, took on Modified Clyde for 81.25. He fought like crazy to hang on, even riding sideways toward the end. His evaluation of the ride: “That was awful.”

Brady Sims: “Them bulls in the short round buck too hard to make a mistake.”

JUST SAYIN’…

Dennis the Menace was a pogo stick, bopping all over the arena, getting right up to the fence. Matt Triplett ended up on his feet, though. He turned down the re-ride, and didn’t really have an explanation for why, but nobody gave him crap about it. “That’s his decision,” said one of the usually tart-tongued commentators. But when Silvano Alves turns down a re-ride, we never hear the end of it, and they insult him six ways to Sunday.

The commentators remarked that all the Brazilians were taking language lessons because “there was a little bit of a language barrier.” God forbid the PBR should fork out for a translator!

A note about Ty Pozzobon: congratulations to the PBR for handling his death in a sensitive manner. The photos were carefully curated to highlight his ability and not the wrecks, and they let the riders speak for themselves. It was very touching to see J.W. Harris and other riders wearing patches with “Pozzy 23” on them– his rider number. And kudos to the Pozzobon family for making a difficult decision for the ultimate good of bull riders (all athletes, actually) and the sport. They must be exceptional people.

About Chicago, Saturday, Jan. 14—

Remember when I used to say that the PBR should hook up with rock music, because bullriders are the new rock stars? Every time I see Steve Tyler in his cowboy getup screaming, I slap myself. What they REALLY need to do is get hold of John Fogerty! The guy has actually been on a horse.

HISTORIC MOMENT!

The judges didn’t put Silvano Alves on the clock! They did, however, give him his usual score: 84.50, for his ride on Dirty Vegas. Some things never change.

HEAT UP THE CREDIT CARDS!

Guilherme Marchi is launching his own merchandising with tee shirts and hats. Good for him! If the PBR won’t do it, do it yourself! I’m buying.

I’M JUST SAYIN’…

Thank god Hummer shaved–he was not rocking that scuzzy look last weekend.

That’s not dirt on the ground. It’s crushed limestone trucked in. I seem to remember that stuff giving bulls a lot of trouble in the past.

Somebody PLEASE tell Craig Hummer that the word is “ee-vent,” not “uh-vent.” And the expression is, “a whole other,” not “a whole nother.” There is no such word as “nother.”

Why is it always “this Brazilian”?? I have yet to hear, “this American”!!

Who was the doofus wobbling Stetson Lawrence’s helmeted head around as he was sitting on his bull? Don’t joggle the brain anymore than it’s going to get joggled in the next 8 seconds! Have you learned nothing??

They could have spared us the revolting display of hype: clips of JB Mauney riding and Hummer getting all excited. JB’s not even here.

According to Craig Hummer, Cooper Davis needs to “re-coop the fire.” Um, if you put a fire in a chicken coop, you’re gonna have a lot of barbecued poultry.

Another gem from he-who-knoweth-not-whereof-he-speaks: “Derek Kolbaba finds a way to dominate the potpourri of power!” I think maybe Craig doesn’t know that dried up rose petals, lavender, and cinnamon doesn’t really pack a hell of a wallop.

Wow, dude, what are you drinking?? Hummer called Jess Lockwood and Cooper Davis “Titans” of the sport! Jess is 19 and has been on the BFTS for about 5 minutes, and Cooper Davis is okay, but seriously…

Lieutenant Dan, who performed a series of sideways jumps followed by popping up into the air; Dan did just what he had to do to get rid of Cooper Davis, then immediately clocked out and stood there. Gotta love a bovine who knows when it’s Miller Time.

THE ACTION

Once in a blue moon, the judges damp down the favoritism: Rubens Barbosa (one of the few cowboys who actually looks good in a beard) led from beginning to end, with his 88.75 on Little Joe (a re-match from last year in Phoenix). That bull really jerked on his arm and made Barbosa work for it, he did oblige Rubens by eventually turning into his hand.

Good show by Cody Heffernan on Cracker Jack, for 85.75 The getoff could have been disastrous, though, if Cody hadn’t known how to do a backwards somersault (away from the bull).

Reese Cates was in the event as an alternate, on Red Sails in the Sunset (a re-match from a Touring Pro event). Did not go well. Or as Hummer put it (though we wish he hadn’t), “Red Sails in the Sunset puts another red mark on Reese Cates’s weekend.”

Stetson Lawrence scored 83.50 on Dirt Road, capped with a nice getoff on his feet.

Nice style, boy! Alex Cardozo conquered Ram It, for 87.

Marco Eguchi’s still got his elbow braced. Precious Air didn’t know what the hell he was doing. He’d pop into the air, then just almost walk in a circle. Re-ride flags rained. With a choice of 68.75 or a re-ride Eguchi settled for the crappy score. His arm must be hurting.

Keyshawn Whitehorse, may have overdone it on Upper Class. Justin McBride made a good point: the kid is too fired up about being on the BFTS; he needs to calm down, because he can ride bulls.

Mason Lowe’s ride on Dew Rag Dan resulted in a hard getoff on his sacroiliac, and 85.25 points.

Justin Paton handled Slick Rick, for 84. Nothing exciting going on there, but it’s nice to have more Ozzies on tour.

Brady Sims took on Bad Moon Rising, struggling at the end. He held on to the last, kept hold of the rope as he was heading down, and came up with 85.50. His strategy: “You gotta keep staring at their back and keep fighting for the middle.” Pretty much.

Spiderman on Set ‘Em Up Joe let go just a hair before 8–at 7.85. Afterward, he went down on one knee, something obviously wrong, and was helped out. No follow-up from the announcers, however. That would happen only if it were JB Mauney.

Tequila Sunrise rattledthe chute so much, the camera shook. Whitehorse was holding onto Cody Nance to keep him from getting bashed against the chute. Very nice of him! No ride here.

Derek Kolbaba took Stinger for an 84.25 ride, showing what he could do when he opened up and whacked away. He had been on a bad streak before – 24 buckoffs. I note that Kolbaba is carrying on the proud tradition of Austin Meier Hat Hair.

Mouse Trap kept sitting down in the chute. Maybe he was scared of who was on his back: J.W. Harris. He was so uncooperative that J.W. had to re-set, while Matt Triplett went out and scored 85.25 on Lip Trick. Naturally Hummer had one in the chamber: “Matt Triplett able to pay a little bit more than lip service.”

Back to Harris: Mouse Trap started to run away with him; Harris touched him, then went to the dirt. If he hadn’t, I’m pretty sure that would have been a re-ride situation.

Dener Barbosa (put on the clock—the rule is, you must do that to at least one Brazilian rider per round), tried it out on Buckeye Bill, and got slammed to the dirt on his back. Can you say, OOF!? He has a shoulder injury, which McBride thought may have accounted for the incorrect positioning of his free arm.

Nathan Schaper – “He’s the kind of guy that you want to marry your daughter,” Shorty opined, in the course of a digression that boiled down to, Nathan’s too nice to ride aggressively. On Full Throttle, Schaper bobbled all over the bull’s back, not helping the cause.

Shane Proctor rode Grave Digger for 83.50, but the bull was kinda boring.

Ryan Dirteater, who’s on a 11/13 hot streak, didn’t have a good visit from the Tooth Fairy. The sneaky bull changed direction just as Ryan was getting too comfortable, and Dirteater came down at 7.92 Someone challenged on his behalf, but it was no good.

I still don’t get why they call Eduardo Aparecido “Fast Eddie.” Anyway, Rocco bucked him off, then gave him a big ol’ love tap with his head on the way out.

Guilherme Marchi is now at 583 qualified rides, having made one in Round 1. All his prep on Spinning Money didn’t add to his total, though. Marchi thought the bull would spin to the right, and the bull went to the left.

I thought I heard someone say Kaique Pacheco made 52 qualified rides last year? The Joker, a new bull, was rocking his head up repeatedly in the chute. The stupid bull cost Pacheco a good score; he doesn’t know what he’s doing. In spite of the 79.75 score, Kaique declined a re-ride.

João Ricardo Vieira has to thank Northside, who started out turning away from Vieira’s hand, then turned into it, for 82.25.

Jess Lockwood, who is already in the PBR’s “next JB” pipeline, didn’t score on Swashbuckler, who scored a very respectable 44, second only to Red sails in the Sunset’s 44.25.

Like this:

New introduction process—the riders’ photos are shown projected on the dirt. Neat trick!

I’M JUST SAYIN’…

That new blonde commentator needs to dial it back a notch. Way too enthused.

OMG–George Thorogood singing “Bad to the Bone.” This was a whole setup for Mauney’s entrance! For a minute there, I thought they were going to have J.B. lowered from the heavens. Uh, excuse me, he is NOT the #1 rider–he is #3! The PBR will look for any possible way to deify him! They are SO invested in having him “win” the world championship from Kaique Pacheco, they’re spending god knows how much in airtime to promote their boy. If any other sport favored one player like this, people would be crying “Foul!” all over the place. And while I’m at it: does anyone listen to the lyrics to that song? Does anyone think the character described in that song is a good example of “the cowboy way”? For that matter, does anyone who knows about J.B.’s private life and the way he treats women think that he’s the epitome of a cowboy? Get real!

Then they interview JB instead of Pacheco (#1) or Cooper Davis (#2)! How much more favoritism could you possibly show? How much disrespect can you possibly dish out to the other riders??

What a bunch of guff from Ty about the judges’ tough job and all their training, and how it’s a thankless job. Yeah, I’ll bet JB is thanking them. Whatever “training” they’ve had sure goes out the window when they‘re judging certain Brazilian riders. One in particular.

ABBI young bulls are featured this night. Some of them are definitely not ready for prime time.

The “Hitch’d” segment was not worth talking about. Or watching.

The stock contractors’ segment is always interesting. Jeff Robinson told the invisible interviewer, “Treat them like you would any athlete.” H.D. Page talked about getting the bulls’ trust and then teaching them their jobs.

Hummer of course started talking about J.B. Mauney as “a man who not only wants it, but wants it every time.” As if only the great god Mauney does—not the rest of the riders working their asses off.

I’M SO DEPRESSED

Ty Murray was talking about Robson Palermo getting near the end of his career. “One of the best ever,” Craig Hummer had the grace to say. Robson’s attempt at riding Smokin’ Gun was disastrous. And boy, was Robson pissed. I’ve never seen him react to a buckoff like that.

THE ACTION

Lachlan Richardson took a loud pop from Cracker Breaker after both legs flew up behind him. (Lachlan’s, not the bull’s, should you be trying to picture that.) Richardson challenged his 7.97 time, but he had touched that bull.

Frequent Flyer tried to fly up out of the chute. Says Craig, “Wallace de Oliveira is not going to be able to cash in any miles on Frequent Flyer.” How could you not see that line coming?

Rebel Yell 2 just did too many backbends for Nevada Newman to handle.

Emilio Resende on After Midnight was another fast buckoff. “Resende is going to have to set his alarm clock for a different time,” Hummer said, which makes no sense to me, but what else is new? The bull hipped himself, though, so Resende was offered a re-ride.

Uncle Fester was one wild jumping bull. “Stormy Wing takes a knock to the noggin, and he might be seeing the whole Addams family after that one.” Didja ever notice how Craig’s train of what is loosely termed “thought” becomes more and more derailed by the time they get to the Finals?

Locked and Loaded stomped and yanked and crushed and trampled Aaron Roy – it took the bullfighters forever to get Roy out of there, and he was left trashed on the dirt. No one’s body should bend in that position. It also took them a long time to get him strapped on the backboard and carried out. Even Motormouth Ty and The Bummer were almost lost for words. Almost. It was one of the worst wrecks to see, especially since Roy already had a wreck that almost paralyzed him.

Finally there was a real ride: Tyler Harr on Flattop Pete (who was 1 for 10), for 83.75

“Wicked Stick didn’t need a wicked first move,” Hummer babbled. “Gage Gay leaned back right away.” A lot of guys seem to be leaning back too far.

Again Ty calls Valdiron de Oliveira “a freak of nature,” because the guy is 37 and has ridden 28 of his last 56 bulls. Smooth Over was a pogo stick, but Valdiron scored 84. More pushups.

Report on Aaron Roy: he had a right femur fracture and will have surgery tonight. I just don’t totally believe that was his only injury.

Ty Pozzobon drew J.W. Hart’s bull, Glory Days. McBride said J.W. thinks Justin’s a jinx. Ty handled the direction change very well, and blew off the bull’s back in a twirl right at the buzzer. He did this with an injured riding hand. Hart was not happy with the bull’s share of the 84.25 score. Craig reminded him that McBride is a jinx.

Losing My Religion was a very righteous bull, but I’m sure Zane Cook wasn’t feeling too sanctified on that one. (Do I sound like Craig yet?)

Derek Kolbaba’s trip on Cut the Cord looked like it would be a ride, but Kolbaba lost his balance.

CanadianDakotaButtar, who qualified for the BFTS, coming in at #35, based on his BlueDEF tour performance, took on Deep Water. Ty Murray: “For these young bulls, it’s a sensory overload in here.” Yeah, and for a lot of us viewers, too. “Didn’t take long for Deep Water to put Dakota Buttar in the deep end,” was the Craig comment.

Mason Lowe’s Lifting Lives was another bull throwing himself forward in the chute. Lowe gets to rewrap. Little quirky bull; I like it. Mason didn’t.

Neil Holmes on Bottoms Up was “able to keep his bottom down,” per Craig, until 7.94 when he apparently slapped the bull. On the replay, he lost .88. How is that even possible?? I wish Neil was miked, because he had something to say!

The Athlete Profile made me very happy, because it was about Tanner Byrne. Video clip: “You all right, bro?” Jesse Byrne asked his brother as soon as Tanner completed a ride. Jesse looked as happy as Tanner did. That’s the thing about those guys. How can you not love them? Tanner was not having a good time tonight, though. Handsome Jeff gradually worked him off the right side.

Cody Nance somehow rode Wired Crazy, resulting in an 85.25 and a neckerchief toss from the top rail. It’s such an artificial, manufactured move. He just doesn’t have a natural end zone dance.

“Kasey Hayes,” said Craig, “was his own form of dragon slayer.” Finally, an American was put on the clock. Hayes took so long on Red Rocket’s back, he was disqualified. “The victim of his own preparation, or lack thereof,” was how Hummer characterized it. I don’t get it. If you know the clock is counting down, and the bull isn’t going to cooperate, just nod, and if the bull won’t come out of the chute, it’s his fault, not yours, and you should get a re-ride, right? Words of wisdom from Hummer: “The first person you want to talk to after doing something like that is not Cody Lambert.”

Nathan Schaper came in second in the BlueDEF Finals. I liked the story about him putting family first: he went to his sister’s wedding instead of the last regular season BlueDEF event, then got it together for those Finals and this one. (Another reason to like Nathan.) Crunch Time gave him a hard time in the chute. “It didn’t take a ton of fire to best Crunch Time, but Nathan Schaper’s candle has blown out” was Craig’s mystifying comment. I can’t even…

Another not-subtle Lambert dirty ha-ha: Native American Stetson Lawrence was matched with Red Dawn (red—get it?). The bull did some weird skipping thing that threw him. Again the challenge button went off for no reason.

Chase Outlaw surprised everyone with his excellent ride on Air Marshal. 89.50 for him, 43.50 for the bull. “I’m happier than a gopher in fresh dirt,” was the highlight of his interview with Leah Garcia.

Guilherme Marchi, gunning for his 577th ride, got worked off to the side of Polar Vortex, who went away from his hand. He is so not happy.

Paolo Lima had no luck on Burn it Down, though at least he wasn’t put on the clock. Predictable Hummerism: “Burn it Down is able to burn through the Brazilian quickly.” The bull was pretty steep.

Shane Proctor had just a bad out all around on Swamp Wreck. He looked like he didn’t even know how to ride bulls, which is definitely not the case.

On Aristokat, Mike Lee was moving faster than the bull. “Able to turn Mike Lee into a human kite,” Craig came up with. Again, I have no idea how this man’s mind works.

Hummer says Ryan Dirteater is one of the calmer guys he talks to in the locker room. Dirteater has a whole routine of strapping on various braces. He, too was put on the clock. Were these judges in a hurry to get to the bar or something? At 8 seconds, Ryan went helicoptering off High Test. The ride was reviewed to check whether his elbow had contacted the bull before 8, but it did not. 86.75 and I did a little happy dance.

Fabiano Vieira (#7 in the world) pulled an 84.50 out of All Nighter, even with that crooked free arm.

Eduardo Aparecido (#6 in the world) scored 85 on Sketchy Bob, a pretty good bull that I could swear was on another circuit; he’s pretty rideable.

Jess Lockwood (#5 in the world) has a 48.08 riding percentage, and is leading the rookie race by 1,000 points. Awww! Buckoff. 44.50 for Acting Crazy was the result.

João Ricardo Vieira on Rocco was aggravating. McBride was right: Vieira handled the bull just fine to the left into his hand, but when it turned back to the right—fooey. I don’t know why Vieira bothered to challenge; he didn’t make 8; his time was 7.89. That bull was excellent but was awarded only 42.50.

Mauney took on Valedictorian. More worshipful shit-slinging by Ty and Hummer. “Start your engines, ladies and gentlemen. J.B. Mauney crosses swords with Valedictorian, as well as sends a message to Davis and Pacheco.” I don’t know what the hell Hummer was talking about here, but clearly J.B. makes Craig’s engine race. As for crossing swords, methinks Hummer may have confused the head of the class with some non-existent Roman emperor. For once, the score was reasonable: 85.75 instead of 95.75. Shocker!

I have to admit, Cooper Davis is unflappable. He rode Show Kitty for 87.50; no fuss, no muss, no bother.

HICKORY DICKORY DOCK, BRAZILIANS ON THE CLOCK

Silvano Alves has a riding percentage of 41+. He was immediately put on the clock, of course. Clearly the judges’ “training” included The Alves Clause: always put Silvano on the clock, no matter what. Wedding Crasher was a pretty dopey bull; definitely worth a re-ride, but Alves was happy to keep his 63 score. His attitude: this is only the first day.

Another one’s on the clock: Rubens Barbosa, prepping on Udder Lover. J.W. was helping to get the bull to stop leaning, so Barbosa could get a fair shot. The bull sticking his nose out through the gate made quite the pretty picture. A closeup of that drooling muzzle would’ve been just the thing for a Cody Lambert Christmas card.

Juliano Da Silva, who was at the Finals because of his work on the BlueDEF tour, was also put on the clock. Flight Plan was not a good match for him. “Flight Plan causes liftoff,” Hummer announced. Rider and bull were kicking up a huge dust cloud; it was very impressive, and I hope Andy Watson caught a still photo. Somebody hit the challenge button before the ride was over, though. Ty Murray landing a good one: “With J.W., the dirt was usually comin’ offa him, not the bull.”

Judges’ training manual: ‘It’s Marco Eguchi in the chute. Another Brazilian. Put him on the clock.’ Killing Time was a wild bull, scooping his front end down on the dirt. It worked to get rid of Eguchi.

Emilio Resende, on his re-ride, Jack Shot: on the clock. He could’ve ridden that bull, but then got leaned back. “You cannot ride what you cannot see,” was how Justin McBride put it. Yup. Hummer joked about McBride filling in for Ty Murray when he took his “union-mandated” break. Ty told on himself: “I can say the same thing only so many times a night.” Oh, we agree with you, Ty; we really do. Try to decrease the frequency, will you?

“He seems more like a machine than he does a man,” Ty once again said about Kaique Pacheco, who was, not surprisingly, put on the clock. Organized Crime just didn’t know what to do to get rid of that pesky kid on his back. The bull hipped himself and stumbled twice, but Kaique stayed on, for 84.25.

“The script that we all pre-wrote for these guys is true to form,” says Hummer, blowing the PBR’s cover. (as if we didn’t know)

“Kaique gets into a groove where he gets these low scores,” says The Bummer. Um, who’s giving him those low scores, dude? It’s the same “groove” Silvano Alves magically got into when he was about to win his world titles.

And then they interviewed Cooper Davis, world #2 rider, but not Pacheco, world #1. That’s twice in one round the PBR dissed him (not even counting the clock business).

God in heaven, do we have to see J.B. Mauney the second the show starts?? Even before the theme song??

J.B.’s canned responses to questions are getting so boring. Hummer even called it a “mantra.” Then Ty Murray droned on with his own mantra about “big moments.”

“One thing we always see when J.B. Mauney’s in attendance, is that bla bla bla” goes Hummer. Then Ty picks up the bla bla bla, praising their Lord. Why are they ranting on about the guy in 3rd place?

DON’T ASK ME

“Kaique may scramble the alphabet,” says Craig Hummer. Huh? Need some splainin’, dude. Your mind doesn’t work the way other people’s do.

I thought for sure Stetson Lawrence would ride Crossed Fingers, but that bull turns in mid-air! Hummer babbled that the bull was “finally able to crumple up Stetson Lawrence and able to cross the North Dakota cowboy’s wires,“ which made no sense at all, and then added, “Crossed Fingers is snap, crackle, and pop.” I want some o’ what Hummer’s been drinking.

Big set of horns on Billy Bat Skat. Jess apparently was “able to scatter Billy Bat Skat’s chickens.” I don’t know what Hummer was trying to come up with here, but Lockwood came up with an 88.25.

Another unfathomable Hummerism: “Southern Style might make Kolbaba wish the border was a little farther south.”

SURPRISE

Kate Harrison, a prescription blonde, is standing in for Leah Garcia. Could they find more of a cliché? Fortunately, she seems to be good at her job. However, “a whole ‘nother level” is not English, Kate.

JUST SAYIN’…

Mike Lee was on Crackerjack, and Ty says: “Look how every jump and kick is like the one before it.” Lee gets an 86. To me, if the bull does the same thing over and over, that’s not much of a challenge, so why should the score be high?

Today’s Athlete Profile was about Jess Lockwood. It would’ve been fine if he never mentioned J.B. (Remember when this used to be Derek Kolbaba?)

Aaron Roy was not in a good place with Hornet’s Nest, and had to rewrap for a second try. Ty was blaming Roy’s confidence level rather than the bull, who was being difficult. Later, Aaron took on Vegas Outlaw, and spent a bit of time (ahem) prepping, and Ty took another shot at him. “It ain’t like you got much to lose, Aaron – you’re 1 for 19.” Roy rode for 86.50 and performed an interesting involuntary somersault getoff. But what’s with Murray’s attitude? Are we gunning for Canadians now?

YAY

Thank god they gave Shorty the job of talking about Kaique Pacheco. Yes, I have noticed that Kaique has the Alves approach – poker face. He’s concentrating, not grandstanding.

SOME ACTION

João Ricardo Vieira is #5 in the world now. Ty caught the Hummer disease: mixing up his metaphors and clichés, and coming up with how “you gotta have that eye on the tiger.” LOL. Fire Rock, who Vieira has ridden before, didn’t have a great trip. Ty said Vieira was flawless, but the score was just 84.75.

Colonel made an impressive leap into the arena, and this was the 3rd time Gage Gay couldn’t ride him.

Cranky Ty was fussing about Eduardo Aparecido taking too long to get ready on Fit To Be Relaxed. Aparecido was launched pretty high at the end of his ride, which Ty said “adds a little nervousness to Fit To Be Relaxed’s day.” I swear, he really did. And Eduardo scored 86.50.

Kaique took on Slick Rick. “Pacheco with a chance to match Mauney” is how Hummer calls it—he is so besotted by his idol that he sees everything and everybody in relation to J.B. Pacheco needs 89.50 to move ahead of JB. Rides, lands on his feet, and walks away with an 85.50. “To me this guy is more of a machine than a human,” is Ty’s comment. I know you think that’s a compliment, Ty, but maybe you could find a better way to put it so it doesn’t sound like an insult!

Luis Blanco came up with an 87.50 on Rebel Yell. It’s been a while.

SOME SERIOUS ACTION

“Master Moments,” which I hope becomes a permanent feature of the broadcasts, featured 1998 World Champion Troy Dunn scoring 95.50 on Rampage during 1999 World Championship event. Yesss!

ANOTHER LEVEL OF HOLY CRAP

The “Tarheel Nation’s Titan” is Hummer’s latest encomium for his idol, leading into his excited voiceover. GAG ME.

“He always makes time for the fans,” Hummer claims about J.B. WOW. WTF have you been snorting, dude?? Have you ever seen him on the dirt or on the concourse at New York City? In six years I haven’t. (Or in Connecticut, either.)

And guess who “has more tattoos than anyone would care to see on his body”? (You mean, anyone but you!)

After scoring 86.25, J.B. says, “I don’t really worry about event wins.” He doesn’t have to, because the judges will help him with as many round wins as they can. All he has to do is stay on.

Then the PBR tries to shine up his image by showing him giving some kid a buckle. (Photo op.) “And there’s his daughter with a bow in her hair,” Craig says, apropos of nothing. Sitting next to whom, Craig? You neglected to say which woman—her mother, her stepmother, or their current replacement?

KMN! Now we’re calling JB a “PBR legend”?? Has he died and passed into legend?? Somebody tell that fool Hummer to stop using that word until he knows what it means!

THE BOO-BOO REPORT

Cooper Davis is having surgery on his right clavicle, where they’re putting in a plate and 3 screws. Eww!

Valdiron de Oliveira sprained his riding hand, but will be back next week.

Brant Atwood broke his right clavicle.

Ben Jones had reconstructive shoulder surgery, and will be back next weekend.

Robson Palermo’s left arm is totally bandaged. IROC hasn’t been ridden. Not a good combo. Robson was tracking the bull really well– until he wasn’t. Supposedly his free arm going straight up was what sent him off the back of the bull.

YAY–Fabiano Vieira passed the concussion test.

A MIRACLE HAPPENED

Silvano Alves’s bull Big Dan was lying down in the chute. Alves couldn’t get out on the bull—and instead of being DQd, which is usually how they treat him, he was offered a re-ride!

Marchi’s damaged knees held up, giving him his 566th ride and an 84 on Fast Talker. “Guilherme Marchi has been drinking from the fountain of youth,” was the evaluation, and once again Ty calls him “the Gerry Rice of bullriding.”

YIKES

Fraser Babbington really pissed off Blues Man. Ty translated what the bull was thinking as it attacked Fraser, digging his head into him as Fraser lay on the dirt: “This is the guy that’s gonna die today.”

ARRGGH

Rubens Barbosa could easily have given up, but he stuck on Freakster til almost the bitter end—to 7.98 seconds. He challenged the time, but it didn’t work; he let out a very descriptive screech from where he crouched behind the chutes.

Paolo Lima’s miserable 3 for 23 situation was not helped by Black Warfare, who made it 3 for 24. Sigh.

Jorge Valdiviezo took on Shake It Up, and Ty just couldn’t treat him like any other bull rider. No, it’s all about the nationality. “He’s got all of Mexico riding on his shoulders.” “He wants to be the Adriano Moraes of Mexico.” Stupid, tunnel vision remarks. Jorge looks like one guy, to me, not a whole country. And I seriously doubt that the whole country is aware of a bullrider. P.S., maybe he wants to be the next Adriano Moraes, not “the Adriano Moraes of Mexico.” Think before you put your piehole in gear, Ty.

Marco Eguche on Get Smoked was looking so perfect –until the next-to-last moment (7.85). “He just couldn’t maintain the uprightedness,” was Ty’s assessment. I kid you not. Ty’s rewriting the dictionary.

THE UPSHOT

Jess Lockwood wins his 7th round of the season. Astonishing. This rookie is kicking butt.

THE CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND

Another J.B. Mauney shtick about how he wants Air Time, who has 23 straight buckoffs. Still more about J.B. on Air Time: “You get to watch the two very best go head to head,” according to Ty.

And yet…scroll down to see what happened. Try not to laugh.

CONTINUATION OF CRAPFEST:

After commercial:

“It’s J.B. Mauney who will be the last out of the chutes.”

“Let’s continue to talk about J.B. Mauney and Who Dey.” No, let’s NOT, Craig. A lot of us are SICK of talking about J.B. Mauney. And BTW, the “Titan” didn’t pick Air Time.

OK, so now they’ve backtracked, and Mauney has made “the smart pick” (if this were Silvano Alves, they’d be saying he made “the safe pick”). The prejudice is just blinding!

NYAH NYAH

Canadianaaronroy rode I’m A Gangster Too–now there’s a confidence booster! The bull wasn’t exactly slammin’, but 80 is a score.

NOTE

Only Stetson Lawrence has ridden Slinger Jr., who has 15 straight buckoffs.

SERIOUS ACTION

Eduardo Aparecido was just outrageous on Magic Train! He stuck on there no matter what that bull did. His 87.75 tied him with J.B. for 1st in the event (for now), because god forbid the judges should squeak out that extra .25 and put him ahead of their golden boy.

Kaique Pacheco teamed up with Crazy Horse. He was totally in sync with that bull, adjusting easily, and scored an 88.50. Immediate reflux action from Craig Hummer (did I say reflux? I meant reflex): “But J.B. Mauney, he’s your defending World Champion for a reason — he loves when the pressure is square on his shoulders.” So, just totally discount what Pacheco did, because there’s only one guy who matters.

YAWN

Stormy “swing for the fences” Wing, bla bla bla –I didn’t even have enough time to finish typing “bla bla bla” before Air Time swung him off. Demented Ty was hoping there would be a re-ride because the bull hung a horn (not much). It happens to plenty of other guys, who don’t get re-rides, darlin’.

JRV was just stellar on Hammer It Again, but 7.94 was when he came down. He challenged the time and Craig made some idiotic comment, but I forgot it while I was watching the ride review. He lost some time: it was 7.63 on review. He still gets applause, though.

Marchi on Little Joe needed 88.25 to win, but noooo. I hate that he got bucked off, but I love that growl he does when he gets mad. Somehow the bull got him on the end of his arm, despite spinning into his hand.

TRY NOT TO LAUGH

J.B. picked Who Dey. I thought for a second Craig called Mauney “the holy hometown son.” Maybe he did; I wouldn’t put it past him. As we all know, Mauney is up for canonization. There was an embarrassing buckoff; Mauney hung a spur in the flankstrap, was rushed off to Sports Medicine, and Craig got off the subject as fast as possible. Of course next week we’ll hear all about the injuries.

TA-DAA!

Kaique wins the event. And then Hummer, Murray, and Gorham all get on the Pacheco bandwagon, though Hummer managed to squeeze in one more incomprehensible comment: “As he marches on… Kaique’s the one with the stop watch.”