Tom’s Guide to Dealing with Stress

10 September, 2017

Modern life can be stressful for all manner of reasons – work, money, bills, relationships, housing etcetera. At times we can all get down about these common pressures – it’s a natural response to genuine or perceived crises that we encounter frequently in our day-to-day adult lives – but fear not, because I am here to help!

I have put together 10 useful tips that will help you through any dark times you might going through; whether you’re prone to depression, fed up with getting a bollocking at work, sad because you haven’t got your leg over in a long time – or simply being evicted from your home and going to be thrown on the street in the morning – read on and learn:

Jogging
A lot of people swear by jogging, and so do I; it’s fucking shit. It only really has any de-stressing powers if, rather than jogging, you run at full speed down the street, screaming as you do so. Even better, why not try sprinting head-first into a brick wall. It works.

Laughter
If you find laughter the best remedy to combat the blues – push a complete stranger down the escalator during your morning commute. Never fails to raise a chuckle!

Booze
In times of deep inner turmoil it’s a wise idea to use alcohol as a crutch. Everybody knows that Guinness is good for you – so it’s completely beneficial to your health to imbibe about 8 pints a day. Starting at 8am is acceptable.

Make Yourself Heard
Often people get stressed when they feel that no one listens to them, or that they are constantly being overruled. If this is the case with you, go into a quiet place – such as a library, or better still a church – and shout “SLAGS” at the top of your voice. People will certainly pay attention to you after that.

Learn To Love Yourself
Everyone know that sexual frustrations can be alleviated to a certain extent via masturbation – but if this is not working for you – try having a wank in a public place instead. If this still does not work for you, try repeatedly slamming your dick in the door until these urges go away.

Self-reflection
You can usually resolve any problem that’s been troubling you, by staying up all night thinking about it.

Social Media
Social media might be able to provide you with some solace or vital counsel for your woes; leave a vague, and cryptic message as a status update at bedtime and your friends are bound to help. With any luck, someone will reply by saying “You ok, hun?“, to which you should reply “I’ll inbox you…” (then don’t).

Smoking
Smoking has long been believed to possess stress-relieving properties – but alas it’s incredibly bad for you and is something of a dying habit in these enlightened times. Vaping is not a suitable solution either as it has not been put under sufficient medical research for a long enough period of time to be claimed safe. Instead, you should indulge in the old custom of chewing tobacco as an alternative, which is stylish and good for your teeth. And if you want to give it a bit of kick, dip your baccy in a drop of laudanum.

Know Your Worth
Knowing the difference between “your”, “you’re” and “yore” is very important for peace of mind. Try to remind yourself of this during moments of self-doubt.

Retreat
If none of the above help, RUN AWAY. Or go on a shooting rampage.