I am a Christian, writing, and running mama. I write and I run to keep my sanity and to be a better wife and mama to my family. Join me in my discombobulated journey as I try make sense of the chaos and find the balance of being a stay at home mom (SAHM) with 4 kids!

Pages

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Lion???

This morning during my quiet time I read about the "alpha mom" and how Proverbs 31 can be daunting to us mommies who are trying to make it through the day. But how in reality that description is really just that of a woman who contributes to her household and values her family...someone like us.

However, this week I feel like I haven't had it together and definitely did not feel like the mom/wife described in Proverbs 31. Last week I did, until Thursday. Until I had to take my son to the doctor for the 2nd time in one week because of his allergic reaction to poison ivy. After Thursday things had gone downhill...lack of sleep, Bug getting her thumb caught in the van door, the medicine making my son a hyper active go-gadget-go machine, hubby having to travel out of state for business.

It's Thursday again and it's amazing what a solid (if you exclude bathroom stops and a son waking up to use the bathroom and then complain about itching from the poison ivy) 8 hours of sleep will do for a person. And really even with Boogie's stop in our room to get some help, it's more consecutive sleep than I've gotten in about 3 days. It was really helpful that Hubby got up to give Boogs more medicine last night so that I could keep on sleeping. I feel more refreshed than I have felt in...well...about a week.

Yesterday, I went to my first MOPs meeting. After being on the wait list for about 9-10 months I finally got in with a little help and push from a friend who was already in the group. She was keeping an eye on enrollment and saw that they had openings this year and helped to push through my registration and application. Anyway, having had less than 11 hours of sleep over 2 days I was definitely not feeling my best. I was rushing around trying to get snacks for the kids and for me, making sure we had everything for the day in case the meeting ran over and Boogie would go straight to school. I was also: trying to find my hairbrush and in frustration had to my hair put in a messy, wet bun because I never found my brush, trying to find clothes that were clean and fit me, making sure the kids were fed before we walked out the door, and oh, trying to be on time for the first meeting and the list goes on. Basically I had 45 minutes to get us out the door, fed, clothed, with supplies for the next several hours. (You would have thought I would have done this the day before when I couldn't sleep, but I was in an exhausted fog from lack of sleep and I couldn't do anything).

I walked in to find out that I wasn't on anyone's list because I was a last minute addition...last minute being the day before even though I had turned in my paper work well over a week ago when they were first calling for new applicants. They gave me a temporary name tag and showed me where to go to drop off the kids. Fortunately Boogie was on the list for his class and he was happy to see friends from his school. Success. Unfortunately, Buggy was not on the list for her class. But she still got in. Even though she was hesitant to speak, she did go in and I was able to leave without incident. Not bad. Having my own friend in the meeting was nice.

But I have to say as I looked around the room I felt very out of place. I felt disheveled and exhausted and out of my realm. The other moms looked relaxed, happy, perfectly coiffed, stylishly dressed with coordinating shoes, handbags, and accessories. My hair was in a wet, unbrushed bun, I was wearing well-worn (yet so comfortable) Birkenstock sandals, I've been wearing the same accessories since my son was born (mary pendant along with charms representing my children, my grandfather's bracelet that I never take off, my wedding band & engagement ring, and the celtic earrings that I have yet to change out since our celtic themed preschool camp over the summer), and my clothes clean, but wrinkled and a bit disheveled, and probably didn't match too well. I was in a group of professional moms who looked like they walked out of a magazine. I was the professional mom who looked like I came out of an episode of Roseanne.

It's been awhile since I've been done up. It would be nice...but right now things had been piling up on my plate and I think my own appearance has taken a backseat. I shouldn't compare myself to these moms. I don't even know them. They all seemed to be perfectly nice and well put together.

One of the activities we did was a personality, getting-to-know you, activity. Yippee skippee. We circled a bunch of character traits in different columns and added up the numbers. My character column described me as a lion: bold, leader, decision maker...etc. I definitely did not feel like a lion yesterday...I felt more like the lamb going to slaughter. I wasn't my usual witty, self-affirming, confident self (where's Lorelai Gilmore when you need her?). Instead I was meek, overwhelmed, and self-concious. Even afterwards when my friend and I met up she asked me about my traits and when I told her lion she said, "Really? you really don't seem like a lion." My reply, "I guess the traits were leftover from my leadership days when I worked."

It made me think...where were these traits? They are obviously still there, but they seemed to be buried. They seem to show themselves when I'm in a meeting with other educators, preparing for a new adventure (like teaching preschool camp), and when I'm comfortable in my surroundings. But it's also made me think...I've been so caught up with my kids' well-being, being concerned about this new Baby, trying to put away my anxiety every time I have a spotting episode, and having to rely on my friends and family for help and support because I shouldn't be doing too much per doctor's orders. Probably to someone who just met me I'm coming off as a self-concsious, needy person who is becoming more and more discombobulated by the day...kind of a train wreck. I kind of would liike to have a part of the old me back. The one who can take charge of my kids' illnesses and get through them without freaking out, taking the Baby situation day by day and not worrying about it while still taking care of myself, and becoming more independent (again) and take care of myself and others more effectively.

I think once I can get more sleep (that's a huge help) I won't be in such a fog. Now that I've had a little self-reflection, it's time for some of the Lion in me to come out. I'm ready. Oh, and a haircut and a makeover would probably help, too...or maybe just finding my hairbrush :)

2 comments:

aww Heather, this blog was like you speaking for me. I did not go to a MOPS group, but I feel very out of place a lot here. It is nice to hear someone else going through the same thing! I often feel like I am so disheveled and can't get my act together and that people are staring at me . I tell myself it is all in my head and I am sure it is in yours too. You are doing your best right now and I know that your priorities are in the right place. You look and act like a great mom!

You'll make it through! Everyone has moments like that! I'm often the discombobulated one at my Moms Club meetings too. My friends are lovely lovely people who are supportive, not judgmental of other moms. They super look forward to each monthly meeting and dress up too. It's a chance to do something for you, not for the kids. You'll catch it next time. This was just bad timing.

You are a total lion. You were, You are. A strong, mama lion! Now go to sleep!

The Discombobulated Mommy

Welcome! This is an at times a tongue-in-cheek perspective on a Christian mom's life. I'm a SAHM of three young children: elementary school, preschool and a two year old. I'm trying to find the balance between wife and mother, and at the same time figure out where I stand in the midst of all the chaos while keeping it real! My life is not always easy, and I share my celebrations and challenges so that you know that you are not alone on this journey called motherhood. I love my husband and I love my kids. I stay at home because I want to and I wouldn't have it any other way. But it's not always easy. How do I do it? I write and I run to keep my sanity, not necessarily in that order!