Instructor: Dr. Leon James

a.Most people define a manŐs success in economic and social
terms more than their abilities as a husband or father

i.A mediocre dad and husband whoŐs a millionaire will command a
lot more respect from other men than a great father and husband who doesnŐt
earn very much

ii.Very few employers are sympathetic to menŐs desires to put
their families first

iii.In the same way that career women are taken off the fast track
when they reduce their workload in order to spend more time with their
children, men are also penalized when they prioritize their families

b.In companies with over one hundred workers, only 1 percent are
offered paid paternity leave and only 18 percent receive unpaid paternity
leaves

i.In those cases where men are offered these benefits, few take
advantage of them for fear of being stigmatized, and because of the potential
long-term consequences for their careers and finances

ii.The double bind of these realities cause many men to feel
resentful and confused when their wives complain about how preoccupied they are
with work

c.Men also worry that spending time at home instead of work
decreases their status with other men who are busy earning and enlarging their
income or careers

i.They worry that theyŐre less admirable as men if they donŐt
have the spoils of status that a career or income can bring

ii.Men can feel unworthy and inadequate if they donŐt have the
big-game prizes that other men use to demonstrate their worth

II.Empathy

a.Empathy is the ability to sense or feel what others are
thinking and feeling, and men may come by it a little less easily than women

i.This causes men to look self-centered from a womanŐs
perspective

ii.Studies show that young girls show superiority over boys in
their ability to read facial expressions, read tone of voice, judge a personŐs
character, and understand anotherŐs thoughts and intentions by the age of three

b.Some of these gender differences may stem from socialization

i.Parents use the language of emotion far more frequently with
their daughters than their sons

ii.Fathers are more likely to issue commands to children, and
more commands to their sons than their daughters

iii.Moms tend to use more emotion words with their toddler
daughters than their sons, and also to use more words of positive emotion

c.WomenŐs traditional financial dependence on men may have also
made them better at being able to read anotherŐs feelings because it was in
their best interest to do so.It
pays for those with less power to be more responsive and sensitive to those
with more power.

III.Communicating in marriage

a.Listening

i.Men can sometimes appear more self-involved than women because
of the way that they listen

ii.Women use much more eye contact when theyŐre in conversation, ask
more questions, and offer more encouragement such as smiling, laughing, and
agreeing

iii.Men donŐt tend to ask as many questions or make as many
soothing or reassuring sounds when theyŐre engaged in conversation

1.TheyŐre also more likely to give advice, make statements, and
challenge rather than ask questions or agree

2.Women commonly will greet another with a compliment whereas
this behavior is rare with men

b.Asking for help

i.Men are far less likely to disclose emotions for fear that
theyŐll be shamed or humiliated in the process

1.Asking for help creates vulnerability to othersŐ feeling
superior or behaving in a superior way

2.The classic example of men refusing to ask for directions is
evidence of this dynamic

ii.One of the common times that men and women misunderstand each
other is when a woman wants to be understood and a man responds with advice

1.From the manŐs perspective, he believes that he can most
effectively demonstrate his concern and talents through problem solving

2.For his wife, his solving the problem may suggest that she was
too stupid to figure it out herself

c.Rank, housework, and parenting

i.A concern about looking weak is sometimes at the heart of
menŐs resistance to parenting or housework

ii.From this perspective, your husband may stonewall, make
excuses, avoid, and evade family work in order to prove to you that he has
status as a man, because he really believes that you have no right to ask

d.Ask, donŐt tell

i.Because men are sensitive to any suggestion that they are of
lower status, you will probably get more cooperation if you state your requests
as requests and not demands

ii.When women ŇnagÓ they do so assuming that if their husbands
really heard and understood their concerns, they would do what they requested

IV.Lazy husband excuses

a.ŇI earn more than you and therefore shouldnŐt have to do
anything when I get home.Ó

b.ŇIŐm too tired to help.Ó

c.ŇI donŐt know how.Ó

d.ŇI contribute in other ways.I shouldnŐt have to do both.Ó

V.Sex

a.Strategies around sex

i.Since women may need more ideal conditions to be in the mood,
deciding to have sex regardless of your mood may be key to increasing or
maintaining marital harmony and cooperation with your husband

ii.Many women find that while they many not be in the mood in the
beginning, they can become interested in sex once they get going

b.Make sure youŐre getting enough rest and support

i.ItŐs a good reason to consider relaxing some of your standards
with housework, and getting your husband to do more around the house

ii.ItŐs possible that if your husband sees the connection between
your exhaustion and your lack of sexual desire he may become more motivated to
do some of the things youŐve been wanting him to do

c.Worry about the kids

i.Many moms canŐt relax enough to be interested in sex because
theyŐre too worried about the children coming in the room or overhearing the
lovemaking

ii.As children get older they can be instructed that mom and dad
want Ňprivate timeÓ

d.Depression

i.Postpartum depression occurs in some 10 to 15 percent of women
and can last for several years after an infantŐs birth

ii.Depression from any cause is a sex killer

e.Work on the romance

i.Since women often need romance to get going sexually, make
sure you and your husband have opportunities to be close and intimate

ii.Schedule a weekly or biweekly date for just the two of you

1.Agree not to talk about problems for the whole night of your
date

2.Agree to do something that both of you find pleasurable

Related Links:

1.http://archives.his.com/smartmarriages/2002-November/msg00017.html
: This website started off very funny because it evaluated the marriage life of
Jennifer Lopez.It stated how she
is in her FIFTH marriage.She
definitely has no idea what the unity marriage is and doesnŐt intend to become
a part of endless eternity.What
was also interesting was that it showed how culture has influenced marriages
over the years.They spoke of how
the sexual revolution has changed the views towards marriage and sex.Another interesting thing that was
talked about was that there was a study done that resulted in women prefers to
have sex with their husbands.

2. http://www.equalityinmarriage.org/nrquest.html
: This website was pretty interesting because it was kind of a review of what
we learned in class.The only
thing that was different was that this was a view of the equity model of
marriage.This gave advise for both
the wife and husband to change their communication styles to better benefit
their relationships.The unity
model of marriage asks the husband to change his communication styles and to
pay close attention to your wife.Otherwise, this website is a starting point for a marriage to look at
before going on to the unity model of marriage.

3.http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap13/chap13c.htm
: This website is very helpful for couples that have problems communicating or
empathizing with each other.They
define empathy as understanding another person so well that you identify with
him/her, you feel like he/she does.This gives a couple steps to increase their empathy for one another and
to communicate better.It also
gives levels of empathy responding.This supports the equity model of marriage because it tells couples how
to better understand each other and change to benefit their marriage.