*Sensitive content. Readers discretion advised. Keep away from children and adults under 18 years of age*

India is to porn what America is to Cricket. From BDSM videos with women hitting each other with brooms to weirder stuff, Indian porn is and has been the ICL of the porn industry. Our ‘We gave the world Kamasutra’ argument has also lost its weight. Vatsayana would have been terribly disappointed with how we’ve handled our intellectual property as far as sex is concerned. Our Indian roots are distinctly visible on our porn sites considering the fact that once upon a time, all Indian porn sites had a maternal/paternal relationship in their title. In a post-DPS-mms India, thanks to camera phones and streaming porn, Indian have rediscovered their ‘Kamasutra’ genes and are constantly contributing to the world of porn, a stronghold of our japanese brethren. Economic development(Thank you, Manmohan ji), mobile phones and cheap internet and Deodorant ads have ushered in an era of erotic reform. No longer is the Indian public holed up in Internet cafes, worried about webcams and police raids. The laptop is the new internet café and surfing porn(and creating it) has never been easier.

However, during all these years, dismal and promising, Indian erotic stories have been a beacon of hope, the silver lining. From ‘Manohar Kahaniyan’ and naughty digests sold around bus stations to Savita Bhabhi and erotic literature, we’ve come a long long way. But our imagination, fueled by the hindi titles James Headly Chase novels, has resulted into this vast universe of erotic accounts of an ordinary Indian life. So while sex and talking about sex continues to be a taboo topic in the country, the interwebz and blogverse are brimming with imaginative accounts of horny Indians. Thanks to the Poonam Pandeys and naughty ad agencies of the country, the imaginations of these authors are being regularly fuelled and replenished with adult fodder.

But as promising as it sounds, the content that this battery of writers is churning hasn’t evolved as expected. We are as far from good erotica as Nigeria is from world domination. Not only that, our national erotic content has now become homogenous to the extent of classification. Let us look at five kind of erotic story writers who have found a Priyadarshan’s-climax-scene-like formula for erotic stories:

– The Traveling Salesman kind:

This is a special variety of erotic story writer whose characters always have sex in public transport. They make out in trains, in buses, aeroplanes, taxis – even Mumbai local trains(Frankly speaking, I did get a lot of action the last time I boarded a Mumbai local train but that wasn’t exactly erotic). So while the rest of the country struggles to have sex even after marriage, this particular kind manages to have coitus with perfect strangers. Not only that, their stories sound like tourism advertisements. Sample these:

– Bus to Hubli

– Trivandrum Super Fast

– Joyful ride to Kolhapur

– RAC Pleasure

– Crowded Chennai Bus

– Thrissur Ernakulam KSRTC Bus Journey

In fact the last one is a search result for people looking for ‘Thrissur Ernakulam KSRTC Bus’. Now I can understand titles like ‘RAC Pleasure’. Getting a Tatkal ticket is actually orgasmic, even if you get an RAC. But ‘Crowded Chennai Bus’ is simply taking it too far. I am glad they didn’t mention bus numbers – Hot ride on 19B, Sizzling journey on 21H. In their stories, these guys are always achieving the impossible: Having sex under shawls, in train bathrooms(where even your bladder refuses to perform the necessary tasks), on the last seats of a bus. For them, even the sky is not the limit.

– The Pinnochio

The Pinnochios are the worst of the lot. They lie. What do they lie about? Sizes.

A male protagonist in a Pinnochio’s story will have a manhood the size of the Grand Trunk road. The female lead will have the figures that’d put Barbie dolls to shame. These guys will subtly introduce the size of the organ in a sentence. Be it a mild nudge like – ‘and I took out my tool(11 inches of it)’ – or more direct approach – ‘my 27.6 inch organ was waiting to be introduced’, size is an integral part of their story. In fact they dedicate the first few paragraphs of their story to generating combinations of variants of 36-24-36. Then they’ll casually throw in references to the size once in a while, more than the number of times you’ll find ‘Global Exposure’ in an IIPM ad. If their accounts were to be believed, India’s under-garment ergonomics would need major restructuring. Their stories sound like God used a CNC machine to carve their organs. No wonder half of them call it ‘My tool’.

– The TMI guy:

The TMI(TOO MUCH INFORMATION) guy writes about everything but sex. His erotic story can include anything from socio-political commentary to the list of apps on his smartphone. These guys believe that the Right To Information act stands for providing as much information as possible in a story. Sample this:

“I was little poor in Mathematics even though I got 87.5 marks for S.S.L.C.”

“That deep navel was my weakness after watching the film Rathinirvedam, which is released in 1978,many years before my birth.”

“I got lot of good boys and girl friends every one was very much fond of scientific thoughts in medicine as we disscus in our lessure time. I found most of my boy friends are interested in doing experiments in female body they always read books related to femenine body experiments by scientist in old ages ”

“Now, an 11KV current is going through my body”

“While we were going around in that big compound, she used to pick jasmine flowers from the bottom of a jasmine tree”

“I had three aunts, who have 2 daughters each so, I had 6 sisters-in-law all are of my age group. 4 of them from north India and 2 from Andhra whose names are priyanka, neha, pooja, Kajal, sridevi and sriya (all names changed”

Their stories are like the print version of an Ashutosh Govarikar movie. Or that really long sms you had to scroll through only to discover a sad joke at the end.

– The Shake-spheres and Subhash Ghais:

Shake-spheres are closet playwrights. Their stories are actually full length plays with acts and characters. Each character is often disguised as an alphabet(for privacy concerns ofcourse). So their stories sound a lot like alphabet sex. Sample: ‘While B stood in a corner watching us, I pulled A into bed’. Their stories are the most unreadable because by the time you’ve learned the names of the characters, the story ends.

Subhash Ghais, on the other hand, write very engaging stories. Alternatively known as The Emoticons, the Subash-Ghais have a thing for drama and enunciation. Their stories are so articulate, you can almost hear them. It is like a transcript of a phone-sex session. Popular words include ‘oooh’, ‘aah’, ‘umm’, ‘uiiii’, ‘uff’ with numerous variations by capitalization and adding vowels. On certain occasions, regional words are also employed to indicate unity in diversity.

– The Analogist:

Contrary to what you are thinking, Analogists are people who come up with brilliant analogies while describing an act of sexual intercourse or features of the human body. Their analogies may not be as awesome as the 25 Worst Analogies Ever, but they come really close. Really, really close.

Sample these:

– “Oh, Balu! It is big like a big ping-pong ball”

– “Something smelt like cooked rice water”

– “You are slim and your complexions are superb like a mixture of milk and vermilion”

– “..like a flag between his thighs”

– “Her innocence was like `Sridevi’ in the movie `Sadma’….”

– “The girls walked and moved like athletic girls, not girly girls”

– “Her nose is the classic Indian nose, with a hump like a fertile camel”

– “The blade like sharpness of the situation eased and I took the benefit”

– “Heather’s body moved like a female gymnist in slow motion”

– “Like the bisector which our teacher taught it had a channel which was dark between her triangle”

– “Both of them cuddeled up like spoons”

– “thigh shining like a polished granite surface”

– “They were looking like 2 antennas on her lovely melons”

– “With his erect c**k standing like the leaning tower of Pisa”

– “were almost 50% out of my tiny wet bra and could be clearly seen like daylight”

– “All I could see was her outline, like a shadow in the darkness”

– “she looked at me like a deer startled by headlights”

While feminine organs are mostly compared with fruits and vegetables, the male ones end up being compared with mechanical objects. In fact, breasts have been compared to a strange assortment of things like Coconut, Mango, Peach, Grape, Peanut, Mid-sized Papaya, Button, Sky Scraper, Hills and Mountains, Pyramid etc. Occasionally, there is a wildlife reference too – “Her breasts were like two small hare” or “They were looking like tigers & tigress arousing each other”

You can also tell the occupation or hobby of the writer from some stories. For example, this guy – “as she played my **** like a fine old violin” – has some musical inclination. You can also identify that majority of these stories are written by engineers when you read comparisons like:

– “..simultaneously between my fingers like fine-tuning the knob to regulate the level of mechanism of her motion”

– “He uses it like a pneumatic drill”

– “The soft, warm skin was like an electro-magnet”

– “I was pumping like a steam engine.She was now making noise like Ha! Ha! Ha! with each of my mighty push”

Khurmi-Gupta has never been put to better use.

So that’s the Indian Erotic stories in a nutshell. These categories can overlap and you may find all the five types together in one story. You may also wonder why there isn’t a category called ‘The Grammar Gandu’ or ‘Da Shahid Kapoor’. That’s because like the owner of this blog, most erotic story writers falter when it comes to grammar and spellings. For example:

“All of my two sisters were married”

“….where she held my face tightly and released first organism”

“My balls were about to cum.”

“My coke of 7 inches simply erected like a big pole”

But with Word Power Made Easy making its way into every Indian household and Twitter users becoming grammar nannies, things are set to improve.

Between the downfall of Orkut and Savita Bhabhi ditching the open-source(read: free) model, the world of erotic indian stories is all set to blossom as more and more people participate in this literary revolution, to express their wildest fantasies and in the process make fraandsheep with hotandyoung23@yahoo.com. Here’s wishing them best of luck and rhyming words.

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There goes a thought by Shantanu Adhicary is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 2.5 India License.
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