This ran as my column in the June 2013 issue of Field & Stream:

GOOD NEWS! I’ve already ruined Father’s day for a few of you. Come June 16, instead of the gift card for Bass Pro shops that you were hoping for, you will receive my new book, It’s Only Slow Food Until You Try to Eat It: Misadventures of a Suburban Hunter-Gatherer. The idea was to see how much food I could get by hunting, fishing, and growing a garden. I thought I’d knock it out in six months. It took five years. At this rate, fame and I will likely remain strangers. But just in case, I’m rehearsing my answers to the Proust Questionnaire, made famous by a chronically ill French writer who never worked a real job. It’s a series of dumbquestions that, for some reason, has become a staple in magazines that no real man would read.What is your idea of perfect happiness?Sitting in a deer stand on a fall afternoon. Ev- ery five minutes, another buck wanders by, each with a bigger rack than the one before. I finally draw and double-lung an Irish elk, a beast extinct for 7,700 years. The largest cervid ever known, Megaloceros giganteus stands 7 feet tall at the shoulder. It weighs 1,500 pounds. Its antlers have an inside spread of 12 feet.

What is your greatest fear?That I will have to drag it to my car alone.Which historical figure do you most resemble?Union Gen. John Sedgwick (1813–1864), who, on his final day on earth, chided members of his staff as they ducked to avoid Confederate sharpshooters 1,000 yards away. “I’m ashamed of you,” Sedgwick told his men. “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist—”

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?My skill as a flyfisherman.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?Their skill as flyfishermen.

When and Where Were you happiest?The day, age 8, that I hooked and landed a 13-inch northern pike on a Dardevle Imp. I had a fiberglass rod with a push-button Zebco 202 reel. I was sure it was the biggest northern any- one had ever caught. I have since learned, to my disappointment, that a 14-incher was caught and certified in 2004 in Minnesota.

Which Words or phrases do you most overuse?Onomatopoeia, crepuscular, and eschatological. But I’m trying to cut down.

Which living person do you most despise?This is a toss-up. One is the guy who said, “Just for the hell of it, let’s make a camo-handled knife and see who’s dumb enough to buy it.” The other is whoever designed a telephone that, when cradled on the user’s shoulder to permit the use of both hands, automatically mutes itself, terminates the call, and then falls into the toilet. And which he named the “smartphone.”

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, What Would it be?A really bad case of backlash.

What do you see as your greatest achievement?Having written for this magazine for about 20 years without having been exposed as a fake. All writers suffer from this fear to some extent. Da- vid E. Petzal, for example, has never actually fired a gun. T. Edward Nickens cannot bring himself to unhook fish because they “feel icky.”What is the lowest depth of misery for you?I have nightmares where, endlessly, I hear a voice saying, “Thank you for calling Comcast, home of Xfinity. Para continuar en español, marque nueve.”

What is your most marked characteristic?My ability to light up a room. I walk in and everybody I try to talk has just caught sight of a dear friend they haven’t seen in 20 years.

What do you most value in your friends?Good hunting land.

Who are your heroes in real life?Seriously? The men and women who put themselves in harm’s way for love of country. The way we collectively—government, society, and businesses—treat them is a national disgrace.

How would you like to die?Fighting and kicking until the lights go out. Peacefully in my sleep would be O.K., too. But if I’m sitting in my own drool looking for my hands, I hope somebody will pull the plug.

What is your motto?Enthusiasm trumps skill. Hunting and fishing are too important and too much fun to beleft to the experts.