The return of the Dickwad.

It's Halloween, people. So as a member of the evil sect of advertising, I am taking a much needed day off from copy-ranting [For those of you who want to see an ad, here's thebest Halloween one I've found.].Instead, I'm reposting my favorite reader tip ever. The New York City Halloween parade is the best place in the world to go costume watching. And this outfit pretty much blows (heh) away anything I've seen on Manhattan's streets. The guy who sent this pic to me says it's him under all that Dick—just look at the commitment to Dick: he's got balls under his chin, and even his feet are Dicks. All bow to the Human Dickwad. Your costume is a husk in comparison.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #54.

LOGO CONTEST! LOGO CONTEST!First things first—go to Gawker and see if you think a new commercial for the adorable little Roomba is stupid or stupid/sexist (link).Secondly, We're tired of the Hathaway shirt man (left) as the LWD logo. Do one for me, designers/art directors! If your design is picked, I will send you a whole 25 (update: make that 100!) dollars (and a Bacon Wristband)! BUT, you're competing against me and my art director.Send designs to copyranter[at]hotmail[dot]com

IN AN ABSOLUT WORLD, ABSOLUT'S ADVERTISING WOULDN'T BE SO BANAL.

Absolut Vodka ad from a recent US Weekly, a rag with a readership that's about 3/4s women.(big sigh) A pregnant man...hot DAMN!!! How stunningly, trailblazingly, mindblowingly original! It's equally as imaginative as your Absolut World Los Angeles and New Orleans ads were! TBWA/Chiat Day? You guys need to rename your ad agency Yuri Gagarin! Go ahead, do it, do it NOW.But let's push this concept even furrrther. First, we'll also make the man...barefoot! Second, we'll put a "KITCHEN BITCH" apron on him. And third, we'll make him Lenny Kravitz.(scanned by Bill Green [thanks!] at MakeTheLogoBigger.)In the name of "fairness," here's a :60 TV spot from the Absolut World campaign that, while also not original, is wonderfully directed/produced.)

Monday, October 29, 2007

OXYDO Sunglasses crams ill-fitted sex sell down our throats.

(click ad for closer look...sheet music is for "The Magic Flute"...subtle)Have Protected Sex? Are you fucking kidding me, Enfants Terribles (the Italian ad agencyresponsible for this crap)? And then, you stick a little red ribbon and copy line at the bottom of the ad as if to say 'we know this is retardedly senseless, but hey, sorry?'Is this the most inapt use of sex in an ad I've seen? Tough call. Let's look at the other candidates I've come across in two+ years. There was: the Blow Job Lumber Store ad; the Vagina-Focused Condo Developer; the Fucking Floor Cleaning ad; and the Kama Sutra Stock Trader. Vote in the comments, if you want.(image via)

Friday, October 26, 2007

Link Haze, 10/26/07.

• Lee Clow says "the next revolution is here." Not here: Lee Clow's next idea. (link)• The Juicy Couture Magic 8-Ball (right) costs 35 fucking dollars. Go ahead, ladies, buy one and have a slumber party wearing your pink hockey jerseys and loading your pink shotguns. The 8-Ball is fucking BLACK. Always. (link)• Music Group names from this week's headlines. (link)• Bob Dylan shills for Cadillac. "The answer my friends, is bl...ah fuck it. Just give me the cash." (link)• Scrabble® is the Devil's game. Scrabble jewelry? Off the Evil Scale. (link)• Fake ad agency diversity ads. (link, link, link)• LESers in NYC have apparently had enough of American Apparel billboards in their nabe. Hey, at least it wasn't this one. (link) • Every ad blogger and their drunk Father has put in his/her two cents about the "bold" new Canadian Club whisky ads. (my headline: "It's what you smelled on your Dad's breath as he was beating the shit out of you, pussy.") Well, let's get the perspective of a whisky expert. (link) •Donny Deutsch says "I'll pick a guy like Roger Ailes any day of the week." Roger Ailes, however, says "I'm not sure if Donny Deutsch is really the answer for them, even though he announces he is. I'm not sure it's anything more than a very expensive way to meet girls for him." SNAP!!!!! (link) • Oh looky: cutesy Lowe's buildy coasters. The first minutely creative thing my BFsF BBDO have done for that client. (link)• AND guess what? I'm ordering another half dozen Bacon Wristbands! Send me JUICY HOT tips and one could be yours! I already have one winner, whose tip I'm posting on Monday morning. (I Know I KNOW—I haven't mailed out the last round winners' bands yet...)

Jontex Condoms. It's raining (Se)men.

(click image to read copy)LOOK! It's a promotion that I actually like—a fucking miracle (as opposed to theseawfulones). On rainy days—like we've been having a jizzload of this week in New York—gay and straight couples walk the streets inside these cozy, extra-protecty umbrellas handing out Jontex condoms. Simple, cheap, memorable, and effective. Bravo. If only as much thought was put into condom technology. Agency: McCann Erickson Brazil, apparently a much smarter bunch than theirhackybrethren in New York.(image source)

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Scranton Products offers "the most durable, low maintenance and best looking partitions, lockers and industrial sheet products in the industry," including their world-famous toilet stall partitions—the Hiny Hiders® (It is SO register-marked. Don't you even think of stealing it, General Partitions.) Though, "Hiney" does seem to be the preferred spelling of this naughty, informal word. Add your rejected names in the comments, if you want.
(thanks to Burns for the tip)previously:
• there's pee in your butt.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

That Tiger Woods is an athlete is indisputable. Equally indisputable, however, is that golf is not a sport. Not even fucking close. It is, at most, a leisurely activity. Why? Here's just three of many ironclad reasons: This Man, These Balls, and Those Pants.So, it is with misanthropic glee that I can't fucking wait until next spring when I spy that first rich, fat, sweat-stained, Bermuda shorts-wearin', 30+ handicap, red-faced white man carrying a bottle of Gatorade Tiger in his left hand and his $5,000 worth of titanium/platinum golf clubs slung over his right shoulder."Bridging that iconic nature with his will to win, those things make this a big deal for us," said buzzword-spoutin', hard-on sportin' Jeff Urban of Gatorade about this endorsement.Tiger will reportedly get $100 million over the next five years for the deal.Be Like Tiger, sheep.previously in specious sports marketing:1. EDGE. DULL.2. Urnie Banks?3. Reebok running shoes prevent puking?4. New York Knicks. Experience It (Misery?).5. Johnnie Walker. Official Sports Drink of the New York Yankees.

One Madison Park lowers hyperbole to an art form.

(click ad for closer look)When the cheapest "residence" in your building is $6,900,000, your average high-falutin' NYC real estate hyperbole just ain't bullshitty enough. Brief background from Wikipedia: Stieglitz's gallery was nearby on Fifth Avenue; He snapped hundreds of portraits of painter O'Keeffe and some nudes; he dropped his wife like a Warhol knockoff to bang her full-time.OK. Well, we now have a new leader in the "Disgusting Appropriation of Famous Name(s) to Sell Overpriced Boxes; 184 Thompson's pissing on Jimi Hendrix's grave slides to the 2nd spot. Here's some more rhetoric from the Website of this "modern refined refuge": To live there is "a once in a lifetime chance to make history" (Jesus). The lobby will feature "an extraordinary permanent installation by one of the world's most celebrated artists"(hope you guys follow through on that promise!). Residents will have access to a private screening room developed in partnership with a "Hollywood powerhouse" (HAHAHAAA!).One more thing—apparently they're only accepting applications from people made of Platinum.(scanned from the November 7th W magazine by reader Amy Zahl—thanks!)

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Old Times Square says 'hi' to New Times Square."Lacey" of Lace Clubs greets Mary Poppins, the newest arrival to the former Sleaze Capital of the World:"Hi ya, Mare! Which club are you going to be dancing at? I hope it's the midtown one—that's where I shake it! Um, is that your outfit? Just because, I'd suggest something a little easier to remove?—I can show you where to get a cheap French maid's uniform! Also, you're going to need a stage name...how do you like Cherry Poppins!?! Oh wait, that one's taken. Well, we can work on that together, if you want—I just know we're going to be good friends!!!"(thanks to Jay Boucher for the pic; he's the winner of the last Bacon Wristband.)previously in Times Square billboards:1. Hey, where's her iPod?2. The Target Freedom Tower.3. The scary M&M of Times Square.

American Apparel Previews Possible Next Ass Without A Face To Appear In Advertising.

BIG news, via the American Apparel daily updates: "Lisa" says AA sent out a cASSting call for new models, "particularly ones with great, how do we put this delicately...assets."From their "buttload" of applicants, this is the Ass they posted. Not bad, not bad. I'd like to see a rear view before saying it belongs on six meter subway posters. Anyway, let's guess which AA fashion her ass will be selling: Tights? Maybe a Thong? Or possibly the Chain-Link, Thigh-High Socks?One thing's for sure: we ain't gonna see her face.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Link Haze (from HELL), 10/19/07.

• You probably think a Michael Jackson Halloween mask couldn't possibly be scarier than his "real" face. (link)• Violent TV shows/video games do not create violent children—I was right! (I wrote a half-ass paper on this in college). (link)• The most misogynistic cigarette extinguisher in the history of Man. (link)• Joe Weider is a man's man, and his old ads had big sweaty balls (unfortunately, many of the bodybuilders who used his products also used steroids, and therefore probably had small sweaty balls. (link)• A more apt execution in the current, lazy song-lyrics Chevy campaign. (link)• This week's buzzwordy goodness from Agency Tart: "Weekly Vertical Research Review Session." (link)• Speaking of Sperm, DONATE IT NOW, DUMMY! (link)• Plagiarism and advertising go together like cold milk & warm cookies. Mmm, delicious regurgitated unoriginalness. (link)• Real estate horror stories via video. Today's is from the (cough douchebags cough) broker's POV. (link)• "She needs energyless, artificially sweetened food and beverages like a turtle needs a seat belt (?)." (link, thanks for the tip, Chris Jarvis)• Latest place you can't look if you don't want to see an ad—snowplow blades. (link)• Monday was Blog Action Day for a "Green" planet. Maybe Monday should have been Green People Day for a multicultural ad industry? (link)• 111 mostly less-than-buff men showed up to shop shirtless at a Fifth Avenue Abercrombie & Fitch. Brilliant. (link)• The 6 most terrifying foods in the world. (link)• The posh Claridge in London now offers 30 different bottled waters from around the world, for you fucking connoisseurs. (link)• The "Rudy" bat, black like his heart. HAHA, your precious Yanks lost. (link)•FINALLY, Bacon Wristbands Winners, I am NOT full of shit. I am full of LAZY. I promise you'll get your bands...by Christmas. (also, there's still ONE left!)

Thursday, October 18, 2007

American Apparel's first ever conceptual ad.

So those simple, sleazy kids at American Apparel—who have been blogging continually about copyranter posts in their daily updates (here's one)—have thrown us a curve ball here. Sure, In the past, we've had Titsone, two, three times. But, now we have Tits + "artwork." What do you think the art director/photographer is trying to say here? All three deer have antlers, or "racks," which of course means they're all male bucks. And the model is shyly covering her apparently ample breasts, or "rack." Hmm. I believe this ad is a statement against the objectification of women, right? The retailer is probably feeling guilty for having unabashedly, uncreatively and unceremoniously stuck ass in our face so many times. So Bravo, AA!UPDATE: Could the model be a tranny? Inquiring commenters want to know. AA has dabbled in the transgendered world.(scanned from the back of this week's Onion)

China's Thermonuclear Sperm Rockets.

(click ad to better witness the end/beginning of life) In my World Wide Web search for Viagra TV spots to post in yesterday's Lies Well Disguised column, I came across the above scary as fuck ad for the little blue pills via Dentsu's Beijing office. And it is here, I think, that we discover the final piece of the People's Republic of China's master plan for complete world domination: First, every one of their 2 billion or so men will take 4 Viagra tablets every single day; Second, the men will be forced to masturbate for 18 hours a day, at a heady rate; Third, all the sperm will be collected and stored in a secret underground refrigerated bunker; Fourth—China will launch an endless barrage of ICBMs with sperm payloads into space in the hope that at least one of them will get through our missile defense shield and impregnate Mother Earth.(image source) previously in pill ads:4. Proof that your girlfriend plays the gluteal tuba.1. Viva Viagra! Long Live Erections!2. Hey Pal? Does Your Dick Suck?3. The BEANO jingle.related: ...actually, it's a Raging Chubb.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #53.

VIAGRA! ERECT PENISES! VIAGRA!Today on Gawker, I went on YouTube and gathered some Viagra TV commercials from around the globe—including from Canada and woman-hating Saudi Arabia—to compare to the Viva Viagra spot featuring the Whiskey Dicks (link). To read any of the previous 52 Lies Well Disguised Gawker columns, just type those three words up in the search window.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

THIS IS YOUR WAKE-UP CALL, STUPIDITY.

(click ad for closer look)This is one of those special convergences—bad product and bad ad. But which is worse? Tough call. The product is...Caffeinated Schnapps. Caffeinated Scnnapps? Caffeinated Schnapps? Have you ever tasted Schnapps? ( if you have, you know what I'm saying.) At their Website, the line repeated over and over by Sexing Voiceover Woman is "cold as your soul" which I kinda get—because you're gonna wanna drink this shit as cold as possible so that you taste it as little as possible. (One of the flavors is Mango Chili [puke].) I'd rather mix some enviga or Dead Bull or even Schaefer with fucking Schnapps and see if I could keep that down.OK, now the ad, which was scanned from ESPN magazine. So, it's a female boxer? And she's wearing fishnets? But there are two male boxers outside the ring staring at her? So it's a "tough" product but it's also for the Ladies? And is there anything I'd want to drink less while boxing than Caffeinated Fucking Schnapps? What the fuck is going on here?

Monday, October 15, 2007

The current condom technology blows.

(click ad for closer look)Last week, more than 100 "condom experts" came together (heh) in South Korea to hammer (heh) out new specifications and testing requirements for prophylactics. "Our job is to do away with inferior condoms," said Eng Long (heh) Ong, meeting chairman. But the big news at the conference was an American company, TheyFit, offering what it says are the world's first custom-fit condoms.Which brings me to the above lie-of-an-ad for "ultra thin" condomi condoms, a German brand. IF ONLY! I think I speak for more than a few gentlemen when I say customization is fine and all, but let's go to greater research lengths (heh) to develop the thinnest goddamn condoms scientifically possible! Now! If we can develop bionic women and high tech gum and space-age Ziploc®, then thinner condoms should be a fucking snap (ouch)!Note: condomi claims to be the only sellers of a completely vegan line of rubbers. Their condoms also come in a variety of flavors, which I guess you can mix and match with your new tasty flavored lubricants.(scanned from Archive)previously in SEX marketing:1. Tom Fords A Valley.2. You've cum a long way, baby.3. The Village Voice Sex Ad Awards (the Vexys).4. The Penis Patch™. You'll Be Tight In Any Hatch!5. Your body is a temple. And your vagina is the door.

They say the glutes are the windows to the soulless.

(click ad for look at Photoshopped Windows on the Ass)The "Powerhouse" condo is a "reinvented" power plant in Long Island City that's "raw industrial chic" and "epic grandeur" and "iconic" spaces and "legendary" "spellbinding" views and "elite indulgences" and, well, every one of those hyperbolic words is costing you tens of thousands of dollars.But what they're really proud of here is the building's windows—which is why, I guess, they plastered some onto a woman's ass. I'd say this is the stupidest NYC real estate ad I've ever seen, but there's this one, and these platinum goofballs, and this idiocy, and this laugher, and this pathetic Hendrix exploitation...but I think this one is still the worst of the bunch.(ad scanned from yesterday's New York Times)(thanks to Evan Lambert for the tip)

Friday, October 12, 2007

Link Haze, 10/12/07.

• Former AdFreak writer Catherine Taylor has her own blog now, adverganza. She updates several times a day, and she knows her stuff.• "Performance" "artist" Stelios Arcadious spent ten years looking for a surgeon willing to implant a real, working ear in his forearm. As you can see, he found one. (link) • Mr. "Impossible Is Nothing" (so is his goal total) David "Bend My Ankle" Beckam looks like a tool here, shirtless while wearing wireless headphones. (link) • Those seeking a good insidery ad agency read should check out Agency Tart. Here, she reproduces something we're all familiar with: The incomprehensible client email. (link)• Again, Doritos is looking at You, the consumer, to do their ad work for them. This time, it's a Super Bowl song. I hear some crunchy Latino-influenced Speed Metal. (link)• Via Japan: a digital push-up counter (?). What it doesn't count—how many operations you're going to need on your arthritic wrists after doing so many push-ups. (link)• The nine manliest names in the world. Not on the list: Donny Deutsch or badass Alex Bogusky. #1? Max Fightmaster (his real name). (link)• For you newbies: this Starbucks post from 2005 is what first put me on the sycophantic blog map. (link)• Lastly, there's one Bacon Wristband left. You people, apparently, don't want it. Send me a good tip by Monday you fucks, or I'm keeping it.

The untapped potential of ASSvertising.

I know, I know, I KNOW—I'm a bit obsessed with turd cutters. However, ad placement-wise, the Ass is such an under-utilized medium.Sure, there've been a handful of small-scale executions over the last few years. Back in August 2006, Georgi Vodka blew a wonderful ASSvertising chance. But there hasn't been anything that was like, WOW. With all the industry hubbub about the need to find "new" "spectacular" media placements that'll grab the TiVo-ing consumers' eyeballs, you'd think some big-ass advertiser would've effectively exploited buttocks by now. Shit, they've got no problem attaching their good names to the ass's by-product.So, here's a few products that, in varying degrees of seriousness, would benefit greatly from ASSvetising:• (duh) Jackass 3 (A nationwide army of fat, ugly, maybe bruised and bleeding men in tighty whities would be best here. Just need the movie's logo and premiere date. Think of the media coverage and the costs savings.)•Imodium. (Brown logo and the new tagline "Stop It"—panties/briefs should be bright white, exceptionally clean)• Oral-B®Dental Floss. (Here, the placement would be in semi-nude strip clubs—where the women disrobe down to thongs—across the nation. The dancers would sport temporary glow-in-the-dark tattoos—logo/product name on left cheek, "Cleans The Deepest Cracks" on the right. For both effect and needed surface space, best to use ladies with major badonkadonks. •U.S. Dept. of Education—No Child Left Behind. • Any brand of cheek stain (best for cosmetics trade shows)• If you've got one, please leave it in the comments.(Pictured: Back in 2004, women in white panties (and a couple of dudes in briefs) were used to promote a New York Health & Racquet Club class called "Booty Call" outside of Grand Central Station. Small potatoes.)previously in Other Media:1. Time Graffiti Billboard.2. The Way $tarbuck$ $ee$ It.3. The Trans Fat War Turns Childish.4. Starbucks Salon: a Venti Hooey Latte.5. Sperm Donor—America's finest part-time job.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Google Image Search: "Kiss My Ass"

Sometimes, I just can't get up the fake steam to rail against advertising. This is one of those times. So, good morning, valued readers. This image is the first result that comes up from the above online inquiry.You may use this post to discuss absolutely anything you'd like. Aardvarks. Sex. Oil vs. Gas heat. Your Halloween costume. An ad/campaign you'd like for me to blast/praise. Anything. I really don't give a shit. I'll try to have something ad-related up in the pm.note #1: I love first results from Google Image Searches. This dude used to be the first result for "commenter." Now, he's nowhere to be found.note #2: We're going to see Polly Jean Mother Fuckin' Harvey (another first image result) tonight at the Beacon Theatre.(image via)

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Maybe, Derek (.176 average) just wasn't "Driven" enough.Or maybe, he drank too much of the Official Sports Drink of the Yankees? Or didn't drink enough Milk. Or maybe his herpes was itching real bad. Who knows—we're all searching for answers as to how, HOW this $200+ million New York Yankee juggernaut could have possibly lost a division series to those cheap-ass, midge-breeding Wahoos and their pathetic $60 million payroll.Perhaps, not enough Yankee fans wore face paint? Or maybe Joe Torre spent too much time on the Brooklyn Bridge shooting accounting firm ads. Or Jorge Posada (.133 average) peed on his handstoo much.Or maybe, you know, the Yankees starting pitching just plain sucked Roger Clemens's fat ass. Whatever, who cares. They lost. So, hold your finger high and say it loud with me and Doug Stanhope—"FUCK THE YANKEES."(you have no idea how much I've been cackling on the inside since last night at about 11:45 pm)

Lies Well Disguised, #52.

DIAPER WAR! BRICK BABY! DIAPER WAR!(sigh) Today on Gawker, I posted a TV commercial by Huggies that claims that rival Pampers fit bricks better than babies—the spot shows a woman playing with her non-bouncing baby brick at a playground (link). To read any of the previous 51 Lies Well Disguised, just type those three words up in the search window.

Monday, October 08, 2007

I get emails sometimes...

Not surprisingly, I get a bit of hate email. Sometimes, I post it when it hits some truths.My latest crush is one Wallace P. Lipschitz. I unfortunately lost his first email, but "he" told me I'm not much of a writer (true) and that I have a half-finished novel in my desk (not true. see first statement.). Wallace is apparently connected to the ad biz because he drops names like Neil French and such in his missives.His last correspondence, which was in response to me dedicating this post to him, got a belly laugh out of me—so I'm posting it below. It's pretty funny.This is GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!! Except maybe that day I went to the massage parlor in Chinatown and I finally got touched down there by somebody other than Father O'Malley!!!!!! I'm floating around the BLOG-O-SHPERE!!!! WHEE!!!!!! This is WAY better than riding on SIR Richard Branson's SPACE PLANE while simultaneously getting a prostate exam from Xena the Princess Warrior, AND reading Action Comics #1, PLUS getting an A++++++++ WOULD DO BUSINESS AGAIN rating on ebay for one of my tea cozies!!!I wish I could show my mother that I am in the BLOG-O-SHPERE, but she is getting kind of dried out and brittle, so I don't want to carry her downstairs. Last time I tried to move her, her jaw fell off!!! I don't want that to happen to any other body parts!!!! And I don't have along enough cable to carry my computer monitor up to the third floor!!!!! I guess I'll just have to show Mr. Snuggles once he comes back from prowling the neighborhood. And then I will be all like, "LOOK MR. SNUGGLES!!!!!!! I GOT A SHOUT OUT FROM MY BFF MR. COPYRANTER!!!!! I WONDER WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF HE CAME OVER AND WE WATCHED CLASSIC EPISODES OF DR. WHO TOGETHER!!!! I WOULD LET HIM USE THE RECLINER AND FETCH HIM A FRESCA!!!!!!!! I HOPE HE WOULDN'T HATE MY LACY CURTAINS AND FLORAL SOFA COVERS!!!!!!!!!! I WOULD SERVE PRINGLES!!!!! NOBODY HATES PRINGLES!!!!!!!! NOT EVEN COPYRANTER!!!! ONCE YOU POP YOU CAN'T STOP!!!! THEY'RE LIKE CRYSTAL METH THAT WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"I will tell mother about it just as soon as I am done saying the rosary tonight. She is a saint. My Dad was a Jew, that's why he's in hell right now.WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!Your BFF!!!Wallace P. Lipschitz(image is the first result in "BFF" Google image search)previously in readers:1. Someone Talked! Round 1.2. Comment Moderation Panel.3. Google Image Search: "commenter."4. Pretty soon, all my posts will be reader tips.