Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Adventures With Strippers: She's Just A Care Bear

Hey Hotties, Hott Joe here.

This is the first post in my new feature of writing about any topic that a new member of my Facebook group suggests. You can join that with the link on the right or by going here. Not only can you suggest a post, but I have promised to buy each member a beer if you see me out and about one evening. But let's get to the story suggested by Patrick that involves an innocent stripper named Care Bear.

Back in a period long ago, I was employed by an NBA franchise. After a full Friday of slinging tickets, we decided to get the night started right by going to the local Goth bar. As some of you may know, the disadvantage of going to a goth bar is that you don't want to stick your penis in anything that is walking around in there. The good news is that they had dollar tots and dollar High Lifes. With deals like that, it's well worth the sacrifice of not having any attractive females present.

To say we stuck out at this bar is an understatement. Some people in our group had suits on, and at worse, we had on a shirt and tie. We strode through the bar to the back where we sat in a large booth that was set up on an elevated platform. Goth people stare us down throughout the night, but we're snacking on tater tots and getting drunk for cheap, so everything is going great for us.

A few hours later, people began setting up stuff near our booth, and it became evident that this platform was setting up to be a stage for some sort of show later on. I finally realized that something awesome was about to happen when I saw a Gene Simmons lookalike setting up a stripper pole.

We began talking with Gene, and he informed us that there was going to be a burlesque show that evening. Think about that for a second. Even the most badass of badasses, they have to take time out of their schedule and go out of their way to get to the strip club, but when you're with me, the strip club comes to you.

With the bar ending their specials, my friends wanted to go to a nicer bar where attractive people hang out, but I convinced them that we would always regret not seeing a burlesque show since there was a good chance this would be our only opportunity to see a burlesque show.

The show soon began, and we were certainly in for a treat. Imagine a strip club with goth music, goth lighting, and goth strippers with creepy goth makeup. The first girl was pretty awful looking. Not only was she not in good shape, but her pole moves left much to be desired. They were only allowed to strip down to their bikinis, which was fine by us, because even in the bikinis, we saw more than enough.

But then came Care Bear.

Care Bear had a good body, but not a desirable face. No matter, she more than made up for it with her pole moves. We stared up at her in awe of her fantastic moves. I don't say this often, but as she slid her ass up and down that pole, she truly looked majestic. As she stared seductively at the audience, she busted out a classic stripper move as she went upside down on the pole with her legs out and her ass nearly touching the ceiling.

I'd like to think that this was the pinnacle of her existence. All of her hard work had finally paid off where she was able to strip down to her bikini and hump a pole at a Goth bar for complete strangers' enjoyment. Unfortunately, like so many people who have reached the top, things would soon come crashing down...literally.

Now some moments happen so fast that all you truly remember is a blur of the events that took place. But some events seem to happen in slow motion. This event was definitely the latter of the two. The top of the pole started to lean to the right with the bottom pushing out to the left. Everyone froze as the pole began falling. Care Bear held on tight, not with a look of fear, but with a look of confusion, as if her face was saying, "Wait a second, this isn't supposed to be happening." But it was. Care Bear fell to the stage with an audible thud, quickly followed by the clang of the pole following her to the floor.

The crew and performers rushed to the stage to check on Care Bear, but she popped up like a real trooper. My friends and I did not check on Care Bear as we were busy wiping tears away from our eyes as we all nearly fell on the floor laughing.

After it was clear she was going to be okay, Gene Simmons was determined for the show to continue. He set up the pole and vigorously tested it, but the strippers still looked skeptical, as they did not want to end up as another Care Bear casualty. He decided to shake it with all of his might, and sure enough, he broke the pole.

It was probably for the best, one Care Bear casualty is already too many. I never saw Care Bear again, but I hope she realizes how inspirational she was to all of us. Most people never realize their full potential. Not only was she able to reach her ceiling, but she did it with her ass.

-Hott Joe

P.S. After the pole broke, I overheard Gene Simmons calling to get another stripper pole over there. The saddest part was that he was using a pay phone to make the call.

P.P.S. After it was all said and done, this was quoted nearly 1000 times (with she replacing he).

P.P.P.S. Literally Unbelievable is my favorite new website as it just finds people who think stories from The Onion are real.

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