Miami Heat Chokes Away Game One Against Bulls

A depleted Chicago Bulls came into the American Airlines Arena for Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals, saw fans clad in white, watched LeBron James receive his MVP trophy, and then went on to systematically bludgeon the world champs by having Joakim Noah swing Nate Robinson around like a medieval flail into Miami's face.

It was a gutsy performance by Chicago, and one worthy of respect and admiration.

But clearly the Heat didn't help by failing to do what it does: namely, bring the ass-wreckage.

Here's what went wrong and why today sucks butt:

1. These Aren't the Fucking Bucks

The Heat pretty much steamrolled the shit out of the Milwaukee Bucks in a 4-0 sweep of the first round of these here playoffs. And even when it was busy bludgeoning the Bucks to death with a cheese brick, there were times when the Heat coasted along and allowed Milwaukee to make a game of it. Ultimately, the Heat would prevail. But now that Miami is into the second round, it's dealing with a much tougher opponent. And frankly, the Bulls being depleted is the worst fucking thing that could've happened to the Heat. There's something about a shitty depleted opponent that makes the Heat wet-fart its way through games. And on Monday night, that style of play bit it square in the dick. The Heat is going to win this series. It's just in for a dogfight.

2. What the Fuck, Chris Bosh?

Holy assrockets, Chris Bosh. What the shit is this 3-for-10 horsecockery? You had Carlos Boozer struggling and Joakim Noah in foul trouble, and you sprayed dino-shit all over the damn place. Not to mention your own early foul troubles. Nine points is unacceptable. Nine points is Joel Anthony on a hot night. Get your gangly dino ass in gear and start hitting your shots, grabbing more rebounds, and delivering slam dunks where you scream and your mouthpiece comes flying out and spittle spews onto everyone in the floor seats. No more of these 3-for-10 nights.

3. Dwyane Wade's Play Brought a Spark and Kept the Heat in the Game and O MY GAWWD WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TAKING A THREE-POINT SHOT WITH 1:07 REMAINING ON THE CLOCK???

Not sure what in holy consecrated assholes that was about. But it was the hammer that came down on the Heat's balls and gave away Game 1 to the Bulls.

4. The Bulls' Jimmy Butler Is the Undead

The guy played every minute of games six and seven of the Nets series and again every minute of game one versus the Heat. He also did a pretty solid job defending the Cobradick while never once actually dying. Were LeBron's two first-half points a result of being guarded by a member of the Undead? Yes, very probably.