one restless mind

Depression, Illiterate Out and About

Depression, as said by recent studies, to be number one cause of death in years to come.
Is it? Is it not already? -Well, that’s probably one question of so many for some people who actually care to think of it. For some others, depression might be the last thing they think about (although they may be already depressed, just not (won’t) realize it yet).

As for myself, I’d like to think that I do believe in that statement. Depression can or if not already be the number one cause of death. Why? Simply because the iceberg theory about conscious and subconscious. Conscious state is only the tip of the iceberg, while the subconscious is the bottom of the iceberg which is a total mystery and God knows what the hell is in our subconscious. And everything that we don’t want to have in conscious state is going to the subconscious. Anger, shame, rage, the need of avenge, shy, disappointments, you name it. Pressing everything down there. That’s my illiterate depression definition.

Due to the great mystery of subconscious, it is also a great mystery how to handle our own subconscious and the chain of reactions that follow.

I have been watching myself intensively for the past a year and half. A great loss in one perspective almost got me losing myself. All kind of negative emotions arose and I have to press it down, and voila I was in depression mode.

Back then, I have no intention to stay alive, death wish every single time I close my eyes, appetite is leaving the body and mind, no social life, tears are the only companion. The loss punched a hole that’s greater than myself.

Suicide was planned. But then again, here I am. Alive and able to write the experience.
How? What? Why?Where? When?

The how is exactly what I am doing right now, write. Since I can’t afford a shrink, I write. All of emotions that arose back then, the tiniest wave to the huge tsunami of emotion, I wrote it down. Keeping me for pressing anything under.

The what perhaps my own body. I listen to my own body more in that phase than I ever been in my life. It was in painful state, reflecting my mind and soul state, and at that moment, I just went along with it. The not eating part, the sleepless nights. Now I consider that is my coping mechanism, my auto-formulated detoxification.

The why is 2 most important persons in my life, who constantly checking out on me. My future life companion and my best friend. They are the only ones who is not giving up on me, believe in me no matter how bad I have messed up in this life, and not afraid to show me how I messed up I was.

The where took place here and there. Again, I went along with my gut. I stayed at home most of the time at first, denial and hiding phase as I called it. Then running away, as far as I can get. Over the islands, over the seas. Keeping me centered is my work. I always come back for it.

The when I can only say its an ongoing process. Up until now. Still writing, and the subject is not yet moving on 😛 but I am happy for myself and hopefully others can take benefit of it.

So, if ever you find your loved ones or yourself losing that spark in their (your) eyes, don’t give up!
We all have been, if not might be in your shoes anytime soon. Be there for your loved ones, and most importantly for yourself. Ask yourself, how are you doing, once in a while won’t hurt your sanity 🙂