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Friday, October 18, 2013

"I need an officer... I need some help with my son. He's out of control."

"What's he doing?"

"He's banging something against his bedroom door. I've told him to stop and he won't. He's already hit me."

"Has he ever done this before? Has he attacked you before?"

"Yes."

****************

What do you do when your son is showing signs of turning into the last person you would wish him to?

Your ex husband.

When men treat their wives poorly, when they stonewall and don't give an answer, when they dismiss their wives and act indifferent, when they treat them as less-than and give them zero respect... when they say "I don't care what you think!"... or "I'll do whatever I want!" or the real kicker: "When someone tells me to do something the more I WON'T do it!".... when they cheat and lie, when they act out with rage over nothing... it sets a terrible example for their sons.

As a mother you can only do so much... you can only offset the damage being done to your children so much. It appears to be an uphill battle and it is. It's despairing to witness your otherwise sweet son beginning to walk a path you know will lead to destruction, tears and pain.

***** Draw the line at abuse *****

We are meant to be loving yet firm and certainly not enablers. When we enable we are guilty like the perpetrator himself.

It's in all the little (and big) things that your ex does and continues to do that waters the seed of what does not make up a Godly man within your son. When he must have the newest iPhone the day it comes out because "he deserves it"... it's teaching him that he doesn't have to wait for anything because he's entitled and special unlike "those other people"... it's needing everything to be a "big deal" with lights and confetti, not appreciating the little things in life... you see it when your son scoffs at you about taking his basketball outside to play and he replies "you act like that's a big deal"... it's when you tell him to take his ADHD medication and he refuses and says "I don't need it! I don't have a problem! I can do fine without it!" ... because like his dad there is a deep rooted denial there is any issue.

As mothers we can only do so much.

No one tells you about the continual battle you will be engaging in... more so if your ex is in denial his behavior will affect the children, more so if he won't admit he has an issue himself or simply doesn't care because he'd rather use the children as pawns to score big against you in the short term rather than doing the right thing in the long term.

Yes, it's incredibly frustrating.

*****************

The thirty-something male officer with dark hair and handsome features stood beside me flanked with two other officers as I spoke to my son...

"Now... this is what happens when you hurt your family and act out and don't follow directions and destroy property. I'm not putting up with you tearing up my house or hurting anyone. You act like this when you're twenty five or thirty and treat your wife like this she WILL call the police on you and they will GLADLY take you away. There are consequences to how we behave."

Inside, I'm thinking to myself... if God forbid, this behavior continues please spare some poor woman, don't get married... do her a favor and stay off the dating circuit.

He scowled at me... angry... and stomped off to his room. The officer said he was going to talk to him and followed him to his room. I stood outside the door listening to him tell my son that he would NOT treat me with disrespect and that he WOULD behave himself and not hurt others, that women are not to hurt.

This man, this officer was telling him everything he needed to hear. Everything that he needed to be told. What he needed to be told everyday. And not just told... but SHOWN. Inside I mourned that my son didn't have that... that my son didn't get that. I wanted to cry and although I kept up a strong front, inside I was crying. Crying out to God. Thanking Him for this man in my home. Thanking him for this help.

It's the downward spiral... the negative cycle of society today... if a man doesn't set the example his son needs his son may become like him, affecting yet another generation... affecting yet another family and causing great grief and unnecessary chaos.

The officer spoke with me assuring me, letting me know I did the right thing, telling me to not hesitate to call again if needed to and that I did not have to put up with that behavior. His twinkling dark eyes were sympathetic to my situation and I guessed he saw this often in the aftermath of divorce or even families still together but yet not truly united. Part of me deep inside wanted to ask him to stay... as if I could borrow him, check him out like a book from the library to help...but that was fear talking, worrying about the future, so I hushed it, pushed it away and very simply but graciously thanked him for his help, closing the door behind him with weary resigned thankfulness.

Later I would be accosted with a barrage of accusing verbal assaults "Wow! How could you do that?!", "You called the police on your son?! ...Wow!"

Yes, yes I did.

Because I don't have to take abuse.

As mothers it's unfortunately sometimes up to us to teach our sons not to abuse.

And yet in teaching our sons it also teaches our daughters they don't have to take abuse either.