Florence Isaacs's Posts - LegacyConnect2019-02-22T16:43:02ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_Worldhttp://api.ning.com:80/files/cIp2BdBpKbWRMNP9LP2eODtroDpVJtNljZ1TMr06aHQ0JqzduUHt0iuOrSQm78qVy8HpbmQlkYpWCWjo-nLiCbapYGuz3692/593250366.bin?xgip=1%3A12%3A298%3A298%3B%3B&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=00bh4am1gse3m&xn_auth=noShould a Widow Move? If So, How Soon?tag:connect.legacy.com,2017-03-21:1984035:BlogPost:6829492017-03-21T16:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><em><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/should-a-widow-move-and-if-so-how-soon" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/EBWAwLsBldzawg2Bnnle1WuZGnvPmqA*9Alu5DD3YSzY6A-0Mq8Jdtd0pu2ULZHWZXIO7O4WidCgVLyF95q5AM5pTP5x3Igf/shouldawidowmove300x200.jpg?width=300" style="padding: 10px;" width="300"></img></a> Q. My husband died several months ago, and people keep asking me whether I’m going to sell my house and downsize or move somewhere else entirely. How do others decide what to do?</em></p>
<p>Therapists and counselors who work with bereaved spouses commonly advise: Wait a year or so before finalizing the decision, unless you have no choice for financial or other…</p>
<p><em><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/should-a-widow-move-and-if-so-how-soon" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/EBWAwLsBldzawg2Bnnle1WuZGnvPmqA*9Alu5DD3YSzY6A-0Mq8Jdtd0pu2ULZHWZXIO7O4WidCgVLyF95q5AM5pTP5x3Igf/shouldawidowmove300x200.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left" style="padding: 10px;"/></a>Q. My husband died several months ago, and people keep asking me whether I’m going to sell my house and downsize or move somewhere else entirely. How do others decide what to do?</em></p>
<p>Therapists and counselors who work with bereaved spouses commonly advise: Wait a year or so before finalizing the decision, unless you have no choice for financial or other reasons. </p>
<p>Why? Because a spouse’s death turns your life upside down, taking a huge toll on your physical and emotional health. You’re probably in no condition to think as clearly as you must about staying in place or moving. A decision that looks good at four months after the funeral may seem like a mistake later because you’re still reinventing yourself in a new role. </p>
<p><u><strong>Issues to Ponder</strong></u></p>
<p>We’re all individuals in differing circumstances, but basic questions to ask include:</p>
<p><strong>What kind of lifestyle do you want?</strong> Are cultural and/or educational activities important to you? If so, are classes or the arts accessible (and maybe free) where you live now? If you’re a golfer or tennis player, are courses or courts nearby? You need to set priorities. One widow, who lived happily with her husband in a house on several acres, felt isolated and unsafe remaining in it alone. She opted to sell and move into a condo in a nearby retirement community instead.</p>
<p><strong>How will a move affect your support system?</strong> The danger is you can lose your network of friends of long standing. On the other hand, one widow told me, “I realized that most of my friends had either moved or died. My children were grown and had their own lives. They had to travel to see me regardless of where I lived.” She put her house on the market, bought a city apartment, and never looked back. “My husband was 13 years older than me, and we had discussed what I’d do when he died. I told him right away that I’d sell the house and leave the area.”</p>
<p><strong>How important is medical care?</strong> Are you in good health, or do you have a chronic disease or condition that requires regular doctor’s visits and/or hospital care? Will medical services be more accessible elsewhere? How about public transportation if you no longer want to (or can’t) drive?</p>
<p><strong>Does your plan work financially? </strong>Can you comfortably cover the choice you make? The value of your home may have escalated astronomically — or be hard to sell due to high property taxes.</p>
<p>Resist pressures from others to rush a decision. To them, it looks easy. But you’re the one who will live with it. </p>
<p style="text-align: center;">***</p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-the-man-you-love-is-ill-dorree-lynn/1111956506" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" width="75"/></a><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/just-a-note-to-say-florence-isaacs/1100265386" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" width="78"/></a><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" width="75"/></a><a rel="nofollow" href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist, author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-the-man-you-love-is-ill-dorree-lynn/1111956506" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a>, and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/just-a-note-to-say-florence-isaacs/1100265386" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via iStock/RapidEye</em></span></p>Complicated Grief and Widowstag:connect.legacy.com,2016-10-05:1984035:BlogPost:6756482016-10-05T14:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/complicated-grief-and-widows" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/JkFWP9bD-sclhoU0HSQOBPCwggTh7Vp4qFJwWxcNf5kV13yQuBZF3YUj*YCiOtAA9ujVCraGf0bzaDznfjlH74hSHd2*zI5r/WidowGrief_466x406.jpg?width=300" width="300"></img></a> Q. I’ve heard that some widows experience “complicated grief.” How does it differ from ordinary grief, and who’s at risk? I’m a widow myself.</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Grief is the emotional and physical response to the death of a loved one, featuring symptoms such as sadness, anxiety, panic, numbness, fatigue, shock. After my own husband…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/complicated-grief-and-widows" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/JkFWP9bD-sclhoU0HSQOBPCwggTh7Vp4qFJwWxcNf5kV13yQuBZF3YUj*YCiOtAA9ujVCraGf0bzaDznfjlH74hSHd2*zI5r/WidowGrief_466x406.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left"/></a>Q. I’ve heard that some widows experience “complicated grief.” How does it differ from ordinary grief, and who’s at risk? I’m a widow myself.</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Grief is the emotional and physical response to the death of a loved one, featuring symptoms such as sadness, anxiety, panic, numbness, fatigue, shock. After my own husband died, I walked around in a daze, with what seemed like a transparent film over my eyes. The grief process had a purpose, however, gradually helping me adapt to the greatest loss of my life and start functioning again. Complicated grief (CG) is something else: prolonged intense grief that leaves the bereaved unable to heal and move ahead. CG, which is different from depression, can also worsen over time. Signs of CG include the inability to accept the reality of the death, yearning for the deceased, deep sadness, social withdrawal (at the very time support is so vital), and suicidal thoughts.</span></p>
<p><strong><span class="font-size-3"><u>Risk Factors</u></span></strong></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Complicated grief is associated with the death of someone extremely close, such as a spouse or a child — and older women are particularly at risk. The older you are, the more likely you are to lose family members and friends. A population survey of bereaved ages 14 to 95 years, published in 2011 in the Journal of Affective Disorders, reported a 6.7 percent incidence of CG. Among those 61 and older, 9 percent of subjects (and 9.6 percent of older women) developed CG, a much higher rate than in younger people.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Sudden and traumatic loss, as in acts of terrorism or mass violence or natural disasters, can also trigger CG. Death by suicide puts those left behind at risk, too, as feelings of guilt, anger, rejection, shame, and stigma compound the tragedy.</span></p>
<p><strong><span class="font-size-3"><u>Treatment Breakthrough</u></span></strong></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Complicated grief is difficult to treat. But research results in the November 2014 issue of JAMA Psychiatry offer reasons for optimism. Over 150 older adults suffering from CG (mainly female, mean age 66) participated in the first randomized clinical trial for treatment. Subjects received 16 sessions of targeted treatment for CG — or a proven effective treatment for depression (IPT). In the first group, 70 percent showed improvement versus one-third of those receiving IPT. The study’s lead author, M. Katherine Shear, M.D., professor of psychiatry at the Columbia School of Social Work, is also director of the Center for Complicated Grief.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">For further information on CG and treatment resources, check the Center for Complicated Grief website at <a href="https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/" target="_blank">https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/</a>.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-the-man-you-love-is-ill-dorree-lynn/1111956506" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" width="75"/></a> <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/just-a-note-to-say-florence-isaacs/1100265386" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" width="78"/></a> <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" width="75"/></a> <a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist, author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-the-man-you-love-is-ill-dorree-lynn/1111956506" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a>, and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/just-a-note-to-say-florence-isaacs/1100265386" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Shutterstock/<a href="http://www.shutterstock.com/gallery-277009p1.html">Photographee.eu</a></em></span></p>Widows' Aid To Coping? Coloring Bookstag:connect.legacy.com,2016-08-02:1984035:BlogPost:6727572016-08-02T18:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><i><span class="font-size-3"><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/widows-aid-to-coping-coloring-books" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/gCx7TixaLiMDr8IWCikO8wsAerRCDju7IWAwo813wiJObqIbM19nZ9uq0*naLjikHagS5xQppWYXQJnfoEKxZssKfJU-fTVw/widowsguidetocopingshutterstockElenaK78.jpg?width=300" width="300"></img></a> Q. I’ve read about coloring books for adults that somehow help reduce stress. Are any of them for widows?</span></i></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">I haven’t found any that focus specifically on widows, but "Colors of Loss and Healing: An Adult Coloring Book for Getting Through Tough Times" by Deborah H. Derman, Ph.D., targets readers who have had…</span></p>
<p><i><span class="font-size-3"><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/widows-aid-to-coping-coloring-books" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/gCx7TixaLiMDr8IWCikO8wsAerRCDju7IWAwo813wiJObqIbM19nZ9uq0*naLjikHagS5xQppWYXQJnfoEKxZssKfJU-fTVw/widowsguidetocopingshutterstockElenaK78.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left"/></a>Q. I’ve read about coloring books for adults that somehow help reduce stress. Are any of them for widows?</span></i></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">I haven’t found any that focus specifically on widows, but "Colors of Loss and Healing: An Adult Coloring Book for Getting Through Tough Times" by Deborah H. Derman, Ph.D., targets readers who have had a major loss. Derman knows all about losses firsthand. Both of her parents died in a plane crash, and her friend died by suicide. Her husband died of a heart attack at age 40 while playing rugby. (She was in her 30s, the mother of two, and pregnant with a third child at the time.)</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Derman, who went on to become a grief counselor, has worked with people who lost loved ones on 9/11. Someone gave her a coloring book, which she found to be a beautiful metaphor for healing. “You take one step at a time without worrying about staying within the lines or finishing. It isn’t intimidating and helps you focus. There’s something relaxing about the act of coloring and filling in the spaces. You just do it,” she says.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Coloring books for children go back to the 1880s, and some adult coloring books, which satirized politics and society in general, were best-sellers in the 1960s. For example, "The JFK Coloring Book" topped the charts. Other subjects included the John Birch Society and “Mad Men” business executives. More recently, adult coloring books have become vehicles to reduce anxiety in this age of constant change. There is even an annual National Coloring Day, Aug. 16. I know one executive who keeps her book at the office for instant calm on “crazy” days.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Derman’s version, published in 2016, embeds words in the illustrations, such as “cherish,” “trust,” and “grit,” which resonate for widows. She explains, “When we have recent loss, we find it difficult to concentrate because grief is overwhelming. Coloring allows you to focus on this one word and ask, ‘What does it mean to me?’” For example, the word “memory” led her to recall trips to the beach with her husband to collect shells together. Derman also provides a blank page opposite each illustration where readers can write down their own associations.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Derman, who has remarried, sees her coloring book as a tool for focusing on healing, hope, and inspiration. She recommends using colored pencils because they’re easiest to handle. She notes, however, that some people prefer markers or crayons.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-the-man-you-love-is-ill-dorree-lynn/1111956506" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" width="75"/></a> <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/just-a-note-to-say-florence-isaacs/1100265386" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" width="78"/></a> <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" width="75"/></a> <a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist, author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-the-man-you-love-is-ill-dorree-lynn/1111956506" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a>, and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/just-a-note-to-say-florence-isaacs/1100265386" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Shutterstock / ElenaK78</em></span></p>How To Handle Children's Objections to a Widow's Remarriagetag:connect.legacy.com,2016-05-31:1984035:BlogPost:6689912016-05-31T19:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/how-to-handle-children-s-objections-to-a-widow-s-remarriage" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/QJkcLaPnc6*UQI7Rdi5b55kOE7bANwT9Yy85MISq2R0TCqlos7Dx62Nt-KcfAVCJKTJSFMCVdgW2FqQCGAUNaOoC4EhgCQrT/recycledloveshutterstock300x300_408856633.jpg?width=175" style="padding: 10px;" width="175"></img></a> <em><span class="font-size-3">Q. My husband died over a year ago, and I’ve just started to date. I find myself wondering how my grown children will react if I actually meet someone and want to marry again. What are the possible snags, and what can I do to smooth the way?</span></em></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">A new man is welcomed in most…</span></p>
<p><a target="_self" href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/how-to-handle-children-s-objections-to-a-widow-s-remarriage"><img class="align-left" style="padding: 10px;" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/QJkcLaPnc6*UQI7Rdi5b55kOE7bANwT9Yy85MISq2R0TCqlos7Dx62Nt-KcfAVCJKTJSFMCVdgW2FqQCGAUNaOoC4EhgCQrT/recycledloveshutterstock300x300_408856633.jpg?width=175" width="175"/></a><em><span class="font-size-3">Q. My husband died over a year ago, and I’ve just started to date. I find myself wondering how my grown children will react if I actually meet someone and want to marry again. What are the possible snags, and what can I do to smooth the way?</span></em></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">A new man is welcomed in most situations I know of personally. However, change is hard – and financial, emotional, and other issues can arise in even the best of circumstances. Dynamics do shift when another person joins the family circle. At the least (especially if he has children of his own), adjustments may have to be made about where to spend Thanksgiving.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Adult children may also worry about how he will affect your relationship with them. Will you have less time for the grandchildren?</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">“Adult children may feel very protective of you. They may worry that he’s after your money (if you have it) and/or that he’s taking advantage of you if you have a house he can move into,” says social psychologist Susan Newman, Ph.D., author of “Nobody’s Baby Now: Reinventing Your Adult Relationship With Your Mother and Father.”</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Some children may find it hard to accept the new man if he is very different from your late husband. Perhaps Dad was a quiet, thoughtful homebody. It can be a shock if you’re serious about an exuberant joke teller, who has introduced you to mountain bikes. There may be personality clashes.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">In such cases, be prepared for some pushback from adult children, says Newman. She also advises pre-empting the children and saying, “I know this won’t be easy, and I’m thinking about marriage. How do you feel about it?”</span><br/> <span class="font-size-3">In the beginning, you can ease the new man into the situation and see him separately, without your children. You can also talk to them about his strengths – how well he takes care of you and how interesting he is. If children intensely dislike him, they may not be able to accept another man taking their father’s place. You can say, “You may not like certain parts of his personality, but for me, he has all pluses.”</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">As a parent, you can be torn between wanting to invest in a new partner and have him adore you, yet you also want to please your children. In that case, explain</span> that, <span class="font-size-3">“He can’t replace your father. This is someone new and different.” Take a firm stand, says Newman. “You don’t want to harm the relationship between you and your children, but you also want to keep your life moving forward.”</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a><span class="font-size-2"><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Shutterstock / Gwoeii</em></span></p>A Widow's 'All Girls' Trip Is Worth the Trytag:connect.legacy.com,2016-04-29:1984035:BlogPost:6663292016-04-29T14:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. I’ve been asked to join some women acquaintances on a long weekend excursion. The participants are widows (like me) or divorced. What do you think?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">I’m all for it. In fact, I’ve been doing something similar for several years. The “all girls” trip has become an annual highlight. In my case, the idea took hold after my husband, an attorney, died. One of his biggest clients was a business trade organization, which held…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. I’ve been asked to join some women acquaintances on a long weekend excursion. The participants are widows (like me) or divorced. What do you think?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">I’m all for it. In fact, I’ve been doing something similar for several years. The “all girls” trip has become an annual highlight. In my case, the idea took hold after my husband, an attorney, died. One of his biggest clients was a business trade organization, which held a convention and large meetings two or three times a year. I tagged along with my husband, as did the wives of many of the organization’s members, when the location was an interesting place like Washington, D.C., or a warm spot in winter, such as Arizona or Florida. We women “played” while our spouses worked. Although we lived in different parts of the country (and in tiny towns, as well as major cities), practiced different religions, and were politically diverse, we found plenty of common ground and shared great times together,</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">After my husband died, we lamented the loss of our get-togethers — and decided to try an “all girls” trip somewhere in the U.S. By that time, another husband had died, and we were six or seven women (widows, wives, and partners). Our first destination was Gatlinburg, Tennessee, which is not only Dolly Parton country, but second only to Las Vegas for quickie weddings. We stayed in a lovely bed-and-breakfast for five nights and toured the surrounding areas in a rented van. We hiked, and found good restaurants and appealing shops. Depending on the year, the group has included as many as 10 or 11 of us. We’re from New York, Los Angeles, San Antonio, Tampa, North Carolina, Georgia, Chicago, and elsewhere.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">What do we do? We visit art and history museums, explore historic houses and landmarks, and take day trips to areas of interest. We shop, eat (90-minute breakfasts are routine), and catch up. We laugh and find community. This is our eighth year, and we wouldn’t miss it for the world. We’ve been to Jackson, Mississippi; Asheville, North Carolina; Nashville, Tennessee; Savannah, Georgia; St. Louis, Missouri; and Portland, Maine. People often say to us, “You’re going where?” Yet each destination has been unique and enriching in its own way. We return refreshed, energized, and nourished. We’ve seen each other through joys, illness, and tragedy.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Why not give the long weekend a try? Who knows? It may be the start of a valued tradition. Caveat: One of our secrets is to polish our listening skills and avoid talking politics.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a><span class="font-size-2"><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></span></p>Wide Circle of Friends a Lifesaver for Widowstag:connect.legacy.com,2016-03-18:1984035:BlogPost:6630642016-03-18T16:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/wide-circle-of-friends-a-lifesaver-for-widows" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/OuVAWy1SY-luQAnc85hMmX9seYlmOZJjD97XNP9YT6zyAi5K5si0*O5jecLGgW15E9xWXrUx*SKvXkURfEbZmqHEE*vFs1lt/CircleofFriends_Shutterstock300x300.jpg?width=175" style="padding: 10px;" width="175"></img></a></em> <em>Q. I’m doing OK since my husband died, except for the loneliness. It’s so hard to deal with. I wonder how others manage, and what seems to work best. Your advice?</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">My dictionary defines “lonely” as “without companions” or “solitary,” and notes that the first recorded use of the word…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/wide-circle-of-friends-a-lifesaver-for-widows" target="_self"><img width="175" class="align-left" style="padding: 10px;" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/OuVAWy1SY-luQAnc85hMmX9seYlmOZJjD97XNP9YT6zyAi5K5si0*O5jecLGgW15E9xWXrUx*SKvXkURfEbZmqHEE*vFs1lt/CircleofFriends_Shutterstock300x300.jpg?width=175"/></a></em><em>Q. I’m doing OK since my husband died, except for the loneliness. It’s so hard to deal with. I wonder how others manage, and what seems to work best. Your advice?</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">My dictionary defines “lonely” as “without companions” or “solitary,” and notes that the first recorded use of the word dates back to Shakespeare’s play “Coriolanus.” Widows know loneliness well. When a mate dies, you lose a confidant, your best friend, and part of your social role. Connections can fade or disappear, especially those associated with your husband’s business or professional life.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">These social “losses” need to be recovered. And a large body of research suggests that expanding your network of friends has an enormous positive impact on your mental and physical health — and helps you live longer. What works is a wide variety of friends, such as co-workers, neighbors, old friends, fellow volunteers, and members of your place of worship (or book group or yoga class). New acquaintances can play an especially important role in thriving and building a meaningful life. Friends of all kinds reinforce a sense of belonging and help you feel loved, respected, and appreciated. They provide places to turn when you need assistance or information, whether it’s finding a good dentist — or free technology classes.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Friends also help you adjust to the limitations of aging, by sharing their own experiences and educating you about what to expect from procedures like cataract surgery. They share tips on managing chronic ailments like arthritis. Friends also increase your chances of survival when you get sick. I just had dinner with friends who bonded in a once-a-month women’s poker group. One member, who lives alone, faces hip replacement surgery in a few weeks. We’re rallying to supplement support from her family by visiting her, providing dinners during her recovery, and accompanying her to doctor visits when necessary. Such resources are often all around us — if we stop, look, and start talking to people.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">A Swiss study published in 2015 in the Journal of Gerontology: Series B, compared the well-being of widowed and married people in 1979 and 2011. The research found that widows in 2011 were better off financially and socially — and felt less lonely — than widows 32 years earlier. Yet there is still much we can do to live our lives to the fullest.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-the-man-you-love-is-ill-dorree-lynn/1111956506" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a> <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/just-a-note-to-say-florence-isaacs/1100265386" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a> <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a> <a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist, author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-the-man-you-love-is-ill-dorree-lynn/1111956506" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a>, and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/just-a-note-to-say-florence-isaacs/1100265386" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Shutterstock / Gwoeii</em></span></p>Widows for a Second Timetag:connect.legacy.com,2016-02-10:1984035:BlogPost:6608822016-02-10T20:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em>Q. I met someone who remarried after her husband died. Recently, her second husband also died. How common is it to be widowed twice? How do people survive this?</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">I personally know of four widows who lost two husbands each. It's becoming a trend of sorts as we live longer and there's more time to start over again. The number of Americans 100 years old or older increased 43.6 percent between 2000 and 2014, according to…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em>Q. I met someone who remarried after her husband died. Recently, her second husband also died. How common is it to be widowed twice? How do people survive this?</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">I personally know of four widows who lost two husbands each. It's becoming a trend of sorts as we live longer and there's more time to start over again. The number of Americans 100 years old or older increased 43.6 percent between 2000 and 2014, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). There are now 72,197 centenarians, over 80 percent of them women. Women still outlive men, although the gap is narrowing.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Two of the second-time widows I've talked to have no interest in dating or marrying yet again. "How many times will my luck hold out?" says one, who finds the second death easier to navigate than the first. "My children were young when my first husband died of cancer. I had to worry about them and their needs, as well as my own. Now they're married and have families. They and my grandchildren are supports for me." She completely changed her life after losing her second spouse, moving from the suburbs to the city and growing a busy social life with friends (both widows and divorcees). She regularly attends the theater, takes film classes, and also volunteers at a museum. She maintains a close relationship with her stepchildren and step-grandchildren.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Another widow lost her first husband in a skiing accident. Left in profound shock, she joined a bereavement group. She remarried a year later. "It was a big mistake. I was vulnerable," she says. Divorce followed. Subsequently, she married her third husband and remained happily wed for 18 years before he died. Ten years later, she's quite content with her independence. "I dated for a while but found I'm not interested in beginning again. I took care of my last husband for two years. I like my life now. I want my own space. When I travel, I book my own room," she says.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Someone else feels different. Although her last husband had dementia before he died, she'd welcome a new relationship. So would another two-time widow, who volunteers at a local college to fill the void. The point is there is no one pattern. And as life expectancy grows, there are more choices than ever before. The Pew Research Center, which analyzed U.S. Census Bureau data, found that four in ten marriages were remarriages. Half of formerly married seniors were remarried in 2013 compared to 34 percent in 1960.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-the-man-you-love-is-ill-dorree-lynn/1111956506" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a> <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/just-a-note-to-say-florence-isaacs/1100265386" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a> <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a> <a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist, author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-the-man-you-love-is-ill-dorree-lynn/1111956506" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a>, and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/just-a-note-to-say-florence-isaacs/1100265386" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em> </em></span></p>Online Dating for Widows: 10 Tips To Avoid Being Scammedtag:connect.legacy.com,2016-01-12:1984035:BlogPost:6591562016-01-12T16:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/online-dating-for-widows-10-tips-to-avoid-being-scammed" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/cKnzGdTqAJ42sJcNPlBHxp7dUTPKaWyuyROmfL2Bf-21297wkY37RFK46EM6sXSaqeXbXTmrkRCG8j-U2TnyQZbCBwr18P7*/onlinedatingdollarphotoclub.jpg?width=300" style="padding: 10px;" width="300"></img></a> Q. I'm a widow about to start online dating. I'm a bit nervous, and also worried about how I can avoid online scams. A close friend just got burned. What do you suggest?</i></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Over 41.2 million people in the U.S. tried an online dating site in 2014, according to the Better Business…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/online-dating-for-widows-10-tips-to-avoid-being-scammed" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/cKnzGdTqAJ42sJcNPlBHxp7dUTPKaWyuyROmfL2Bf-21297wkY37RFK46EM6sXSaqeXbXTmrkRCG8j-U2TnyQZbCBwr18P7*/onlinedatingdollarphotoclub.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left" style="padding: 10px;"/></a>Q. I'm a widow about to start online dating. I'm a bit nervous, and also worried about how I can avoid online scams. A close friend just got burned. What do you suggest?</i></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Over 41.2 million people in the U.S. tried an online dating site in 2014, according to the Better Business Bureau. Although many have positive experiences, and some eventually find mates, others can get hurt. The Federal Trade Commission reported $105 million in losses from online dating scams in 2013. And as a widow, you need to be especially careful to protect yourself from such frauds. Why? Because you're a prime target for shysters, who figure you're rich and vulnerable.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Con men often claim to be Americans who live or work overseas. In fact, they are usually foreign nationals who concoct false identities and "life stories" designed to dupe lonely women. They may steal the online photographs (and even a smattering of background facts) of law-abiding citizens who have no idea what's happened to their information.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><u>Tipoffs</u></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">How can you tell whether the great guy you've met online is a sleaze? It isn't easy, because he's probably had plenty of practice honing his skills. The Better Business Bureau, FBI, FTC and other agencies warn of telltale signs of a hoax, such as:</span></p>
<ol>
<li><p><span class="font-size-3">He "falls in love" with you after just a few emails. You're like no one he's met before. He talks about "destiny" or "fate" bringing you together.</span></p>
</li>
<li><p><span class="font-size-3">He quickly suggests communicating via your email address, phone or texting – rather than through the dating site.</span></p>
</li>
<li><p><span class="font-size-3">He asks for lots of personal information right away.</span></p>
</li>
<li><p><span class="font-size-3">Ultimately, he asks for money – for medical bills, a bank snafu or any number of clever "emergencies" – and tells you to wire it abroad. Money requests may arise quickly; in other cases, the scammer may take the time to build your trust.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"> </span></p>
</li>
</ol>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Vetting services can offer some protections. For example, Spokeo (<a href="http://www.spokeo.com/"><font color="#0000FF">www.spokeo.com</font></a><u><font color="#0000FF">)</font></u>, a California-based search engine, combs through the white pages, public records and social media information to help you locate and learn about someone who contacts you online. Matchmakers can be useful for vetting as well. One widow, who met a man (a legitimate resident of her city) and spent time with him, went a step further and hired a private investigator to check him out "just in case." The point is: You can't be too careful out there.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="_blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-the-man-you-love-is-ill-dorree-lynn/1111956506" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a> <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/just-a-note-to-say-florence-isaacs/1100265386" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a> <a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank" rel="nofollow"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a> <a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist, author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/my-deepest-sympathies-florence-isaacs/1103375657" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/when-the-man-you-love-is-ill-dorree-lynn/1111956506" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a>, and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/just-a-note-to-say-florence-isaacs/1100265386" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Dollar Photo Club / anyaberkut</em></span></p>Getting Through the Holidays: Tips for Widowstag:connect.legacy.com,2015-12-08:1984035:BlogPost:6556182015-12-08T13:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/getting-through-the-holidays-tips-for-widows" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/S-*Q0dYAAj0irj2XvnCgKRPDUC-59oMeUq7tK0suo1A-Kq2H19ezY1Q7q59cN1NZmVk2pJMXicRJ-M6XRHCu7UM0DA4LFrwp/gettingthroughtheholidaysFCCAnne.jpg?width=400" style="padding: 10px;" width="400"></img></a> Q. It’s been a few years since my husband died, yet I still dread the December holiday doldrums. I feel like a weight is pulling me down, even though I have an active life. Any words of wisdom?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"> </span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The month of December, bringing Christmas and the New Year can…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/getting-through-the-holidays-tips-for-widows" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/S-*Q0dYAAj0irj2XvnCgKRPDUC-59oMeUq7tK0suo1A-Kq2H19ezY1Q7q59cN1NZmVk2pJMXicRJ-M6XRHCu7UM0DA4LFrwp/gettingthroughtheholidaysFCCAnne.jpg?width=400" width="400" class="align-left" style="padding: 10px;"/></a>Q. It’s been a few years since my husband died, yet I still dread the December holiday doldrums. I feel like a weight is pulling me down, even though I have an active life. Any words of wisdom?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"> </span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The month of December, bringing Christmas and the New Year can hit hard even if your mate died quite a while ago. Yes, you’re a veteran of the experience. But that doesn’t mean you escape from memories and thorny issues at this time, no matter how well you’ve adjusted to widowhood. Here’s my philosophy plus some ideas that have worked for me and others I know:</span></p>
<ol>
<li><span class="font-size-3">Be honest. Ask yourself, “How do I really want to spend Christmas and/or New Year’s?” Even if you have plans, are you making a choice or just going along with others’ assumptions? And don’t be surprised if your answer varies from one year to the next.</span></li>
<li><span class="font-size-3">Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen or other community service activity. Nothing picks you up and gives the holidays meaning like doing something for others. You also earn appreciation that can light up your life.</span></li>
<li><span class="font-size-3">Get out of town. An excursion or visit for even a day or two shakes up your routine. The change of scenery can give you new perspective and energy.</span></li>
<li><span class="font-size-3">Ask around and see what others are doing. They may ask you to join them, but feel free to say no if you aren’t interested. Or start a conversation with, “What was the best holiday season you ever had?” The answers may trigger ideas you hadn’t thought about before.</span></li>
<li><span class="font-size-3">Write New Year’s resolutions. One widow told me, “Last year was the first time in my adult life that I did not have a single goal for the year ahead. I joked to friends that ‘I must be perfect.’ I realize now that I was a little depressed.” So far, she has two ideas for 2016: trying Pilates and learning how to use a smartphone.</span></li>
<li><span class="font-size-3">Focus on New Year’s Day, rather than New Year’s Eve. Host a brunch or go to the movies with friends.</span></li>
</ol>
<p><span class="font-size-3"> </span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">This may be the first year since my husband died that I happily stay home, order in pizza and watch a TV marathon. It’ll be cold outside, and it seems like a wonderful idea. As for next year…we’ll see.</span></p>
<p></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-3">***</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note To Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><em>Image via Flickr Creative Commons / Anne</em></span></p>Wise Tips for Widows on Meeting Mixed Singlestag:connect.legacy.com,2015-10-13:1984035:BlogPost:6532722015-10-13T12:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/wise-tips-for-widows-on-meeting-mixed-singles" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/S-*Q0dYAAj0nbihdVK9OqKOjBx4*2aG23w-evRENsRFg3wWRJboPP3K81kzmNMxZVSfpvTz-Cw2p8MWGU4yCWk0T9jzCh9KN/tipsfordatingFCCTerrellWoods.jpg?width=300" style="padding: 10px;" width="300"></img></a> Q. I’m a widow who is blessed with the support of a small group of friends and relatives. I also do volunteer work. I’m slim and healthy at 65. But I have no children, and I often feel isolated and lonely. I’d love to meet a nice man, start out with a friendship, and see where it goes. Do you have any suggestions, besides Internet…</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/wise-tips-for-widows-on-meeting-mixed-singles" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/S-*Q0dYAAj0nbihdVK9OqKOjBx4*2aG23w-evRENsRFg3wWRJboPP3K81kzmNMxZVSfpvTz-Cw2p8MWGU4yCWk0T9jzCh9KN/tipsfordatingFCCTerrellWoods.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left" style="padding: 10px;"/></a>Q. I’m a widow who is blessed with the support of a small group of friends and relatives. I also do volunteer work. I’m slim and healthy at 65. But I have no children, and I often feel isolated and lonely. I’d love to meet a nice man, start out with a friendship, and see where it goes. Do you have any suggestions, besides Internet dating?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"> </span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">“Dating for seniors who have recently lost a spouse can be highly rejuvenating,” says psychotherapist Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of <i>The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again</i> and 12 other books. “In my experience, the ‘get-a-life’ method of finding new people (both friends and dates), works best, and shows you off to your best advantage.”</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Take a risk and expand your circle of acquaintances; this exposes you to new ideas, resources and possibilities you might never have considered before. That’s how one widow recently became interested in mindfulness and meditation. And you never know. New people may introduce you to others you might like to date. “Fix-ups” do happen.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Explore some of the “tourist activities” in your geographical area, such as museums, small theaters or the aquarium. Check out their special events and start a conversation while standing in line or during intermission. You’re too shy? Just ask an open-ended question, such as, “Where are you from?” or, “What do you think of the play (or this painting)?”</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Tai chi is available in some parks. An age-appropriate yoga class is another good place to connect with others. Try a chat with other attendees before or after class, which can lead to coffee or lunch or a movie. Tessina’s husband teaches ballroom dancing to packed classes of seniors in Long Beach, California. Or consider starting up a group of some sort (such as a book or civic club), which gives you an excuse to open a conversation with people who seem interesting or congenial. Sports, religious activities and political participation are other options. When you engage in pursuits that are meaningful to you, you’re drawn to people with common interests.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Tessina also warns against feeling too insecure, self-conscious, or unattractive in our youth- and fitness-oriented society. Try to look your best, and then forget it, she advises. If you do meet someone, concentrate on your impression of the person rather than worry about how you come across.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">“Look at character,” she says.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note To Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Flickr Creative Commons / Terrell Woods</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em> </em></span></p>What To Do When Your Travel Companion Must Cancel a Triptag:connect.legacy.com,2015-09-16:1984035:BlogPost:6515612015-09-16T15:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<div style="width: 570px; margin: 10px;"><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/what-to-do-when-your-travel-companion-has-to-cancel-a-trip" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/ZtT72Lr8bEM-nsjx0ah9x2hWQ6nFUeMV1iW2EJAo-JXH2PTt188P4LgpxfPrzCXbVQgLWuGqKmD4VX8qCVJ9-SuYkHmOrSPV/travelFCCLetIdeasCompete1200x630.jpg?width=350" style="padding: 10px;" width="350"></img></a> <span class="font-size-3"><em style="font-size: 12pt;">Q. I planned a vacation in Europe with a widow friend, who lives in another state. Five days before departure, she was hospitalized for a sudden, serious health problem and had to drop out. I was able to cancel everything but the nonrefundable air fare. The latter…</em></span></div>
<div style="width: 570px; margin: 10px;"><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/what-to-do-when-your-travel-companion-has-to-cancel-a-trip" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/ZtT72Lr8bEM-nsjx0ah9x2hWQ6nFUeMV1iW2EJAo-JXH2PTt188P4LgpxfPrzCXbVQgLWuGqKmD4VX8qCVJ9-SuYkHmOrSPV/travelFCCLetIdeasCompete1200x630.jpg?width=350" width="350" class="align-left" style="padding: 10px;"/></a><span class="font-size-3"><em style="font-size: 12pt;">Q. I planned a vacation in Europe with a widow friend, who lives in another state. Five days before departure, she was hospitalized for a sudden, serious health problem and had to drop out. I was able to cancel everything but the nonrefundable air fare. The latter can be applied to another flight later on, but involves a sizeable “change fee.” My friend has offered to reimburse me for the fee. What should I do? It doesn’t feel right to accept the money. Yet it also bothers me to pay. (I considered going by myself, but didn’t feel comfortable with the idea—and I couldn’t find anyone else to join me on such short notice.)</em></span></div>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Money is always a touchy subject, which is why it’s wise to set boundaries about it in any relationship. But your situation is unusual. It seems to me that these are the issues involved:</span></p>
<ol>
<li><span class="font-size-3">It was nobody’s “fault.” She’s taken responsibility by offering to cover your financial loss. If you value the friendship, isn’t it worth it to pay the fee yourself and chalk it up to “an act of God”? (Remember she’s probably stuck with a change fee, too.) If she protests, say something like, “You can take me out to dinner sometime.” She’ll feel less guilty and you’ll feel better, too.</span></li>
<li><span class="font-size-3">How would you feel if the sudden illness happened to you? In addition, if the trip had taken place as planned, wouldn’t you have spent extra money on items like day tours and/or museum entry fees that can really add up? You’ve “saved” on those expenses. </span></li>
<li><span class="font-size-3">Is it a financial hardship for you to pay the change fee? If you’re truly in a bind due to unexpected bills or whatever, you have the option of explaining your situation and accepting the offer (or part of it).</span></li>
<li><span class="font-size-3">It isn’t only the money involved. It’s also a bummer to see all those wonderful plans evaporate. On your calendar you’ve crossed out a block of time from your everyday life. Suddenly you’re in limbo and wondering, “What will I do with myself now?” One way to look at it is: “If this is the worst thing that ever happens to me, I’ll be a lucky person.” </span></li>
</ol>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">And next time, you might want to consider travel insurance. It’s expensive, depending on your age and other factors. But it may be worth it to you.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><em>Image via Flickr Creative Commons | Let Ideas Compete</em></p>Comparing Widowhood and Divorcetag:connect.legacy.com,2015-09-11:1984035:BlogPost:6503242015-09-11T20:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<div style="width: 580px; margin: 10px;"><center><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/comparing-widowhood-and-divorce" target="_self"><img class="align-center" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/ZtT72Lr8bENjLg2mYZOZexkGUTNX1pMn4I5qSlsm6VKHu0tEytaofp2lWTxVXTVgsk9OAOXf3p921GiaUy0JgzAmNubxVqRv/divorceFCCNicholasCopernicus580x305.jpg?width=550" width="550"></img></a> <span class="font-size-1"><em>Flickr Creative Commons | Nicholas Copernicus</em></span></center>
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<p><em style="font-size: 12pt;">Q. In the last year or so, a divorced acquaintance told me, "Divorce is just as devastating as the death of your husband." Another said, "Divorce is worse." The remarks came from out of the blue. I felt…</em></p>
<div style="width: 580px; margin: 10px;"><center><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/comparing-widowhood-and-divorce" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/ZtT72Lr8bENjLg2mYZOZexkGUTNX1pMn4I5qSlsm6VKHu0tEytaofp2lWTxVXTVgsk9OAOXf3p921GiaUy0JgzAmNubxVqRv/divorceFCCNicholasCopernicus580x305.jpg?width=550" width="550" class="align-center"/></a><span class="font-size-1"><em>Flickr Creative Commons | Nicholas Copernicus</em></span></center>
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<p><em style="font-size: 12pt;">Q. In the last year or so, a divorced acquaintance told me, "Divorce is just as devastating as the death of your husband." Another said, "Divorce is worse." The remarks came from out of the blue. I felt shocked, but let both comments go. It was as if we were competing for the title, "Who suffers most?" Why do people say such things?</em></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"> </span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Others have told me of similar experiences, and the statements are, at the least, insensitive. Yet on reflection (and after some research), I think there can be complicated reasons for making the remarks. Divorcees and widows have a lot in common. Both suffer life-changing losses emotionally, socially and often financially. They both lose roles and, often, status.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Couple friends can drop either of you when you're no longer half of a pair. The relationship balance changes when a foursome becomes three people <span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">– </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">and some friends don't know how to deal with (or feel threatened by) the new situation. It's, "Could the same thing happen to me?" That's why it's a good idea for both widows and divorcees to find some new friends (perhaps each other) to fill gaps and transition into new lives.</span></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Yet there are also differences. Widows tend to be surrounded by sympathy and support, which some divorcees bitterly resent. The latter can face an element of shame instead. "There's the sense you failed or didn't work hard enough on your marriage," explains one woman. Feelings of betrayal and rejection are often part of the fallout. Divorced women may also perceive widows as financially better off due to life insurance. Says one widow, "I was left with two children when my first husband died in his 40s. I couldn't believe it when a divorced acquaintance told me, 'How lucky you are.'"</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Divorcees can also lose relationships with in-laws, depending on the circumstances. For example, let's say your husband's sister became your best friend after you got married. She may feel unable to continue to see you if the divorce was your idea. And women leave marriages more often than we tend to realize. In 2004, AARP released the results of a survey of people who were divorced in their 40s, 50s and 60s. The research found that 66 percent of the divorced females had initiated their splits.</span></p>
<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 19.96px; text-align: center; font-stretch: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-2" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: none;">***</span></p>
<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 19.96px; text-align: center; font-stretch: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-2" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: none;"><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; background: none;">If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: none;">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 19.96px; text-align: center; font-stretch: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"></p>
<p style="margin-bottom: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 19.96px; font-stretch: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-2" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: none;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: none;"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" style="margin-top: 4px; margin-bottom: 4px; margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px; border-color: currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; text-align: right; max-width: 643px; height: auto; background: none;"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: none;"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" style="margin-top: 4px; margin-bottom: 4px; margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px; border-color: currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; text-align: right; max-width: 643px; height: auto; background: none;"/></a><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; background: none;"><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: none;">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; background: none;"><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: none;"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" style="margin-top: 4px; margin-bottom: 4px; margin-left: 0px; padding: 0px; border-color: currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; text-align: right; max-width: 643px; height: auto; background: none;"/></a></em><em style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; background: none;">author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: none;">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: none;">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: none;">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none; border-color: initial; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 13.33px; text-decoration: none; color: #195a85; background: none;">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p style="padding: 0px; border: 0px currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; font-size: 19.2px; min-height: 1em; color: #222222; line-height: 19.96px; text-align: center; font-stretch: normal; background-image: initial; background-attachment: initial; background-size: initial; background-origin: initial; background-clip: initial; background-xg-p: initial; background-repeat: initial;"><span class="font-size-2" style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; border: 0px currentcolor; border-image-source: none; outline: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; line-height: 1.2 !important; background: none;"> </span></p>Widows and Siblingstag:connect.legacy.com,2015-08-14:1984035:BlogPost:6475192015-08-14T18:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/widows-and-siblings" target="_self"><img class="align-center" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/ZtT72Lr8bEMlufWB4cm4UNzI3Qx-EoDNgpMc1xYpyASIzuh0WhbOlC63Pb*X8SrzeviA5TQqzEWEll4H854X1ej9bWX3rwdK/widowsandsiblingsWC580x305.jpg?width=550" width="550"></img></a></i></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-1"><i><em>Wikimedia Commons | LJP assistant</em></i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. My sister and I have had a rocky relationship for much of our lives, yet we seem to be drawing closer now that my husband has died. Is this unusual?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">According to family therapist Karen…</span></p>
<p><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/widows-and-siblings" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/ZtT72Lr8bEMlufWB4cm4UNzI3Qx-EoDNgpMc1xYpyASIzuh0WhbOlC63Pb*X8SrzeviA5TQqzEWEll4H854X1ej9bWX3rwdK/widowsandsiblingsWC580x305.jpg?width=550" width="550" class="align-center"/></a></i></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-1"><i><em>Wikimedia Commons | LJP assistant</em></i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. My sister and I have had a rocky relationship for much of our lives, yet we seem to be drawing closer now that my husband has died. Is this unusual?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">According to family therapist Karen Gail Lewis, Ed.D., 80 percent of Americans have a sibling, and 65 percent of siblings get closer as they get older.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">"Siblings who had a good relationship reach out to each other when a spouse dies. They may turn to children or friends to take them to the doctor, but they go to a sister or brother for emotional connection," says Lewis, author of the e-book <i>Siblings: Ghosts That Haunt Your Life and Love</i>.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">At a time of grief, there's the feeling, "This is my first family." Siblings fill in one another's memory gaps. It's, "What were you doing when Dad had his heart attack?"</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Gender isn't important. Many brothers and sisters move near each other after being widowed. Some siblings decide to live together. Even if one of the siblings has a child or children close by – or if both have children near to them – they understand that children can move around and have lives of their own.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Lewis explains that there's an hourglass pattern of closeness in our lives. Part of adolescence is turning away from family toward friends. Later, when we get caught up in children and careers, we no longer focus our primary energy on family of origin. As we age, however, we have space to ponder, "Who really knows me?"</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">I found that my siblings and I grew closer together after my husband's death. They stepped up to the plate when I needed them, as did certain in-laws. My husband and I shared many interests and enjoyed a very active couples' social life. His loss left an enormous void that needed to be filled. And I had the time to explore (and sometimes reconfigure) other relationships.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">What if you don't have a good relationship with your sibling?</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">"You can get there," says Lewis, "but you have to work at it. Very few siblings are cut off in old age."</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">That doesn't mean they don't fight, however. She recalls two widows, one who had children and one who was childless.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">"They fought right up to their 90s," Lewis says. "A niece called me and asked, 'Can you help?'</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">"It turned out that arguing was their connection," Lewis says. "It brought them back to their childhood and was a way to hold on to each other – a bonding of sorts."</span></p>
<p style="background: #ffffff; font: 19.2px/19.96px Futura, 'Century Gothic', AppleGothic, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 0.5em; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; text-align: center; color: #222222; text-transform: none; text-indent: 0px; letter-spacing: normal; word-spacing: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; min-height: 1em; widows: 1; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px;"><span style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; line-height: 1.2 !important; font-size: 10pt !important; vertical-align: baseline;">***</span></p>
<p style="background: #ffffff; font: 19.2px/19.96px Futura, 'Century Gothic', AppleGothic, sans-serif; margin: 0px 0px 0.5em; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; text-align: center; color: #222222; text-transform: none; text-indent: 0px; letter-spacing: normal; word-spacing: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; min-height: 1em; widows: 1; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px;"><span style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; line-height: 1.2 !important; font-size: 10pt !important; vertical-align: baseline;"><em style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; font-size: 13.33px; vertical-align: baseline;">If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; color: #195a85; font-size: 13.33px; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none;" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank" rel="nofollow">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p style="background: #ffffff; font: 19.2px/19.96px Futura, 'Century Gothic', AppleGothic, sans-serif; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; color: #222222; text-transform: none; text-indent: 0px; letter-spacing: normal; word-spacing: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; min-height: 1em; widows: 1; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px;"><span style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; line-height: 1.2 !important; font-size: 10pt !important; vertical-align: baseline;"><a style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; color: #195a85; font-size: 13.33px; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none;" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" style="background: none; margin: 4px 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; height: auto; text-align: right; font-size: 13.33px; vertical-align: baseline; float: right !important; display: inline !important; max-width: 643px;" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a><a style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; color: #195a85; font-size: 13.33px; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none;" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img width="78" class="align-right" style="background: none; margin: 4px 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; height: auto; text-align: right; font-size: 13.33px; vertical-align: baseline; float: right !important; display: inline !important; max-width: 643px;" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a><em style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; font-size: 13.33px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; color: #195a85; font-size: 13.33px; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none;" href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; font-size: 13.33px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; color: #195a85; font-size: 13.33px; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none;" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" style="background: none; margin: 4px 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; height: auto; text-align: right; font-size: 13.33px; vertical-align: baseline; float: right !important; display: inline !important; max-width: 643px;" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a></em><em style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; font-size: 13.33px; vertical-align: baseline;">author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; color: #195a85; font-size: 13.33px; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none;" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; color: #195a85; font-size: 13.33px; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none;" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank" rel="nofollow">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; color: #195a85; font-size: 13.33px; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none;" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">What Do You Say When</a> and <a style="background: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; color: #195a85; font-size: 13.33px; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; border-top-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-left-width: 0px; border-bottom-style: none;" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank" rel="nofollow">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p style="background: #ffffff; font: 19.2px/19.96px Futura, 'Century Gothic', AppleGothic, sans-serif; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; color: #222222; text-transform: none; text-indent: 0px; letter-spacing: normal; word-spacing: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; min-height: 1em; widows: 1; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px;"></p>
<p style="background: #ffffff; font: 19.2px/19.96px Futura, 'Century Gothic', AppleGothic, sans-serif; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; outline: 0px; border: 0px currentColor; border-image: none; color: #222222; text-transform: none; text-indent: 0px; letter-spacing: normal; word-spacing: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: normal; min-height: 1em; widows: 1; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px;"></p>Displaying Photographs of Your Late Husbandtag:connect.legacy.com,2015-06-22:1984035:BlogPost:6445432015-06-22T15:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/displaying-photographs-of-your-late-husband" target="_self"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/REqOXlBbGhg2NNDsSGEj14QJjonyouD9LX9*j2iF*Utbd1KvMObXEITbDy2kTho2pDBASNkXO5wQkCuIPQJ943bPr8zGXvSi/displayingphotographsoflatehusbandFCCRevivingMemories1200x630.jpg?width=600" width="600"></img></a></i></span></p>
<p style="text-align: right;"><span class="font-size-1"><i>(Flickr Creative Commons | Reviving Memories)</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. In my bedroom I display an 8x10 photo of my late husband at his best. Smaller photos that include him (shots of happy family events and our many trips) are scattered…</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/displaying-photographs-of-your-late-husband" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/REqOXlBbGhg2NNDsSGEj14QJjonyouD9LX9*j2iF*Utbd1KvMObXEITbDy2kTho2pDBASNkXO5wQkCuIPQJ943bPr8zGXvSi/displayingphotographsoflatehusbandFCCRevivingMemories1200x630.jpg?width=600" width="600" class="align-right"/></a></i></span></p>
<p style="text-align: right;"><span class="font-size-1"><i>(Flickr Creative Commons | Reviving Memories)</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. In my bedroom I display an 8x10 photo of my late husband at his best. Smaller photos that include him (shots of happy family events and our many trips) are scattered throughout the house. Sometimes I wonder if I'm overdoing it. How do other widows deal with photos, and what do they do with them if they meet a new man?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;" class="font-size-3">In my experience, it varies. Personally, I keep my late husband's photos around as a comfort. It calms me to see his smiling face, smoking a big cigar (one of his trademarks), with a twinkle in his eyes. Occasionally, I even "talk" to the photos, especially when I'm faced with a dilemma and think, "What would you do (or say) about ---." I also want the photos on display for my young grandchildren. (My husband died before they were born.) When they visit, they often look at the photos and I reminisce about old times. I want them to know all about him. The pictures also trigger memories for my sons.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;" class="font-size-3">However, I think a new man in one's life makes a difference. People want to feel they're No. 1 to a partner. Who wants to face pictures of a predecessor and compete with him? One widow, who remarried years after her first husband died, put away some photos of her late spouse, and gave the rest to her children. The latter keep albums and framed pictures of their father in their own homes. It's different when her new husband sees the photos there. He has his own children and understands the man in the picture is their dad.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;" class="font-size-3">In your place, I'd do what makes me feel comfortable, unless family/friends say you're keeping "a shrine," and worry that you aren't getting on with your life. But if or when you start a relationship with another man, you may want to reassess the photo situation. Just as it's smart to avoid constant mention of your late spouse when dating someone else, you don't want to line your bedroom with his pictures either. Nobody wants to feel the memory of a dead mate (yours or his) is always lurking in the background. Communication with a new partner and common sense should rule. There's certainly room here for accommodation. How would you feel about his late wife's picture staring at you?</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" width="75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" width="78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" width="75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>Burial Issues Confront Widows in New Relationshipstag:connect.legacy.com,2015-04-06:1984035:BlogPost:6400252015-04-06T15:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/burial-issues-confront-widows-in-new-relationships" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/6xzDXLZEGuvrOH-Ci6mY5t8BXY6f*1qXv57PJ1zYLM0Y72jIsst3HtDBHhUPvhR9r2Eh2*YHKwLv3tmcdYocINL*9UVcmEX3/sanfranciscocemetery.jpg?width=306" width="306"></img></a> Q. I am happily remarried after six years as a widow. My first husband is buried in a family plot I purchased when he died. My own plot is right next to his. The graves of my parents and other relatives are in the same cemetery. However, my second husband talks about me being buried with him in another state, close to his children.…</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/burial-issues-confront-widows-in-new-relationships" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/6xzDXLZEGuvrOH-Ci6mY5t8BXY6f*1qXv57PJ1zYLM0Y72jIsst3HtDBHhUPvhR9r2Eh2*YHKwLv3tmcdYocINL*9UVcmEX3/sanfranciscocemetery.jpg?width=306" width="306" class="align-left"/></a>Q. I am happily remarried after six years as a widow. My first husband is buried in a family plot I purchased when he died. My own plot is right next to his. The graves of my parents and other relatives are in the same cemetery. However, my second husband talks about me being buried with him in another state, close to his children. How can I handle this without hurting him? I love him dearly. But I have my own children to consider, and my wish is to be with my whole family.</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Widows can face similar issues whether they're remarried or in a monogamous relationship without a piece of paper. And there are no simple answers. Individual circumstances can be dizzying in their complexity these days because we're living longer and divorce is so common. Three mates (or more) in the span of a lifetime are not so unusual, and it can require a scorecard to keep them and their progeny straight. There also may be questions of geography, conflicting family concerns or other considerations. For example, one widow had a much happier life with her significant other than with her late husband. She prearranged to be interred with the former, which enraged her two grown daughters. They wanted both their parents together in the same cemetery.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">My own unscientific research -- statistics are not available -- suggests that widows and widowers usually rest beside a first spouse. Yet there are instances where a second husband or wife is nearby in an adjoining plot. A wife may even lie between two husbands, which is one answer when a first spouse died young, and a second marriage is the much longer relationship.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">"I'll be in a drawer in Paramus next to my first husband, who wanted cremation," says a friend of mine. She would have arranged for space for her deceased second spouse in the same mausoleum. However, his children rejected the idea, insisting on another location. There is no one "right answer" to such dilemmas. It's a matter of "right for whom?"</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">It's a good idea to have an honest conversation with a partner about your respective wishes. But it sounds like you've avoided such a talk, which is understandable. Most of us find it daunting to discuss death and the details surrounding it. Perhaps meeting together with an understanding minister can help. He or she is familiar with the thorny issues you and your husband face, and can be objective.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" width="75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" width="78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" width="75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Wikimedia Commons, San Francisco National Cemetery</em></span></p>Why More Widowers Date, Remarry Than Widowstag:connect.legacy.com,2015-03-18:1984035:BlogPost:6384832015-03-18T15:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/why-more-widowers-date-remarry-than-widows" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/afJNJUtdOc4sSdenxQSjJuMycyvBWzyEubIUQItbbhIejo7lcSzN-DgWHTaRnUSfLn5I4IgVibP64E-r6jj8mnq9yE2zS04a/ImageviaWikimediaCommons_Peter_Paul_RubensResized.jpg?width=200" width="200"></img></a> Q. I lost my husband about a year ago, and still am not ready for dating. Yet widowers I know (or have heard about) seem to be interested in a new relationship almost right away. How come?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Both research and demographics confirm your observations. In a 1996 Annals of Clinical Psychiatry study of…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/why-more-widowers-date-remarry-than-widows" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/afJNJUtdOc4sSdenxQSjJuMycyvBWzyEubIUQItbbhIejo7lcSzN-DgWHTaRnUSfLn5I4IgVibP64E-r6jj8mnq9yE2zS04a/ImageviaWikimediaCommons_Peter_Paul_RubensResized.jpg?width=200" width="200" class="align-left"/></a>Q. I lost my husband about a year ago, and still am not ready for dating. Yet widowers I know (or have heard about) seem to be interested in a new relationship almost right away. How come?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Both research and demographics confirm your observations. In a 1996 Annals of Clinical Psychiatry study of 249 widows and 101 widowers</span><i style="font-size: 12pt;">,</i> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">61 percent of men and 19 percent of women were remarried or in a romantic relationship by 25 months after a spouse’s death. (Younger widows were more likely to wed than older ones.) And the U.S. Bureau of the Census estimates that 10 times more widowers than widows find a new mate. One reason for the lopsided numbers is that fewer men are available as women age. The supposed “weaker sex” still tends to live longer than males, although the gap is narrowing. About 600,000 people lose their spouses every year, but only 200,000 (one-third) are men.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Many older widows also discover and enjoy new freedoms in their lives after a spouse’s death. For a 2001 article in Ageing &amp; Society, researchers interviewed 25 widows and 26 widowers 65 and older in the U.K., who remained unattached two or more years. Widowers felt deprived by the loss of married life. But most widows appreciated the chance to be “selfish” and focus on their own wants and needs now that they were on their own. They were unwilling to swap these benefits for companionship plus the possibility of becoming caretakers later on.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Another issue is that widowers often lack the close friendships common among women, relationships that can help them buffer the loneliness of loss. Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family in 2004 found that widowers’ interest in dating or remarriage depended on the amount of social support men received from friends. Six months after the death of a spouse, men with low or only average support were more interested in remarriage than other widowers.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">These findings help explain why some older widowers I know have carved out lives for themselves without the slightest interest in dating or remarriage. One has expanded an acquaintanceship with another man who lost his wife. They attend community center and theater events together, and frequently dine out. A second widower in another state takes classes that interest him at a local college and spends a great deal of time with children and grandchildren.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Greater psychological well-being for both sexes is associated with remarriage and other romantic relationships. But some thrive on other paths.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" width="75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" width="78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" width="75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Photo via Wikimedia Commons, Peter Paul Rubens</em></span></p>Facing Valentine's Day: 5 Tips for Widowstag:connect.legacy.com,2015-02-09:1984035:BlogPost:6352392015-02-09T16:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/facing-valentines-day-5-tips-for-widows" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/nLML9an*avofHrUhlvCqcIixrqZfD*Q-PH1uREETmM-CUlj24f3gwEA0N5KpoPYOzEUT9bkmp9fplNo48y6pIKcmZy2e5yIJ/ValentinesdaytreeWikisized.jpg?width=200" width="200"></img></a> Q. I'm facing my first Valentine's Day since my husband died. We used to exchange fun gifts and go out to dinner to celebrate, and I dread spending it without him this year. How do others handle it?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Valentine's Day without your spouse can be hard, especially for the first time. It's one of those…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/facing-valentines-day-5-tips-for-widows" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/nLML9an*avofHrUhlvCqcIixrqZfD*Q-PH1uREETmM-CUlj24f3gwEA0N5KpoPYOzEUT9bkmp9fplNo48y6pIKcmZy2e5yIJ/ValentinesdaytreeWikisized.jpg?width=200" width="200" class="align-left"/></a>Q. I'm facing my first Valentine's Day since my husband died. We used to exchange fun gifts and go out to dinner to celebrate, and I dread spending it without him this year. How do others handle it?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Valentine's Day without your spouse can be hard, especially for the first time. It's one of those holidays that can boldly underline your loss. Store windows sprout cutouts of hearts (all those boxes of candy or restaurant tables to sell). The subject saturates TV screens, and even your emails may remind you of what you're missing. I just received one promoting "romantic recipes."</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">But I suspect widows' reactions vary, depending in part on how important the day was to the couple. Although my husband always remembered it with flowers or a thoughtful gift, and we exchanged cards, it wasn't a BIG deal to us. After his death, I found I didn't particularly mind Feb. 14. In contrast, a widowed friend of mine felt bereft (like you) as the day approached. She couldn't walk down the street without noticing all the couples who could celebrate together. But she did find a way to deal with the pain.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Here are some ideas that may work for you:</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><strong>1. Dine with friends.</strong> My friend proposed to her bereavement group a Valentine's Day dinner together at a bistro. Everyone jumped at the suggestion and had a fine time. If you don't participate in such a group, consider rounding up some singles you know to share the evening. Divorced people who aren't in a relationship may dislike this holiday as much as you do.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><strong>2. Do something loving for yourself.</strong> (Isn't "love" what this day is all about?) A massage or a new haircut or even shopping (for anything from pretty shoes to a new shade of lipstick) can give you a lift.</span></p>
<p><strong><span class="font-size-3">3.</span></strong> <span class="font-size-3"><strong>Spend time that day with your grandchildren</strong> (if you have them) or young nieces/nephews. I find their exuberance and honesty are powerful therapy for sadness.</span></p>
<p><strong><span class="font-size-3">4.</span></strong> <span class="font-size-3"><strong>Do a good deed for someone else.</strong> It takes your mind off yourself and what you don't have.</span></p>
<p><strong><span class="font-size-3">5.</span></strong> <span class="font-size-3"><strong>Make a list of all the people and things (like your garden, your job or your dog) that you love in your life.</strong> Think about who or what you might want to add.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">And try to hang on to your perspective. Remember, it's only 24 hours. Tomorrow is on the way.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" width="75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" width="78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" width="75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Photo via Wikimedia Commons, Johntex</em></span></p>A Guide for Widows on Acknowledging Condolencestag:connect.legacy.com,2015-01-15:1984035:BlogPost:6334252015-01-15T17:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. My husband died a few months ago, and I've got a pile of sympathy cards and notes to respond to, not to mention messages posted on the funeral home website and elsewhere online. He knew a lot of people. Do I have to write to everyone, and how much time do I have to do it? I feel overwhelmed.</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Responding to expressions of sympathy has always been a monumental task for widows. It's hard enough to put one foot in…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q. My husband died a few months ago, and I've got a pile of sympathy cards and notes to respond to, not to mention messages posted on the funeral home website and elsewhere online. He knew a lot of people. Do I have to write to everyone, and how much time do I have to do it? I feel overwhelmed.</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Responding to expressions of sympathy has always been a monumental task for widows. It's hard enough to put one foot in front of the other when you're grieving, without facing an avalanche of acknowledgments. But something new has been added in the Internet age: email condolences and online messages on websites, which can vastly increase the number of people responding to your loss.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">What to do? Recognize two things: First, not all condolences are created equal. You do have to respond in many cases, but not in all. Second, you can take all the time you need emotionally – even months and months. Nobody is sitting there waiting for your acknowledgment, and it's most important to take care of yourself. Grief is debilitating.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Realize that there is a "hierarchy" of acknowledgments. Online messages on websites don't require a formal response, nor do email condolences. If you happen to meet the person, you can verbally thank him/her for the support if you wish. Printed condolence cards with merely a signature or a one liner such as "Thinking of you at this sad time," don't require acknowledgment either. However, personally written condolence notes are different. You can buy printed acknowledgment cards in stationery stores and add a handwritten line, such as "Your support has meant so much to me." Or write a note on your own correspondence card or note paper.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Send acknowledgments, as well, to people who have sent tangible items like flowers or food platters, made donations to charities or causes in your husband's memory—or who have been there for you above and beyond the call of duty during and/or after the funeral. You might want to put these people at the top of the list when you tackle the writing task.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"I thought it would never end," recalls one widow, who forced herself to write at least four or five acknowledgments every day. Of course, another option is to ask for help from a friend or family member. Sharing the job lightens the load.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" width="75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" width="78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" width="75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>Give a Little, Get a Lot: What Volunteering Offers to Widowstag:connect.legacy.com,2014-12-19:1984035:BlogPost:6314602014-12-19T20:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q.</i> <i>A friend of mine, a widow like myself, volunteers at a soup kitchen every year at holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m thinking of joining her, but I’ve never volunteered before. What do you think?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">A Chinese proverb advises, “If you want happiness for a lifetime, help someone else.” I’ve found that to be true and I know many other widows who have added meaning to their lives through volunteer work at…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i>Q.</i> <i>A friend of mine, a widow like myself, volunteers at a soup kitchen every year at holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’m thinking of joining her, but I’ve never volunteered before. What do you think?</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">A Chinese proverb advises, “If you want happiness for a lifetime, help someone else.” I’ve found that to be true and I know many other widows who have added meaning to their lives through volunteer work at museums, schools, libraries, parks, helplines, organizations like the Red Cross and United Way, and other community services. Women feel comfortable collecting, preparing and serving food, fundraising, and teaching adults or children. As we age, we tend to volunteer for activities connected with religion, and churches and other places of worship.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">“It’s in women’s DNA to give back and to give to others. We care for our families,” says Abbie J. Von Schlegell, CFRE, an expert on women and volunteering, who will teach a course on the subject this summer. “Volunteering is very much a part of American culture. Women volunteer at a higher rate (28 percent) than men (22 percent),” she adds.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Helping others not only nourishes our society, it benefits us in significant ways. For example, volunteering boosts self-esteem and promotes personal growth, a particular advantage for widows who have been all tied up in their husbands’ lives in the past. It offers a chance to learn how to do something you’ve never tried before, and gain professional experience that looks great on your resume, such as acquiring a new skill like computers or speechwriting—or upgrading skills you already have. If you want to change careers, volunteering may be a way to get started.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Research by the Corporation for National and Community Services found that unemployed volunteers in general had a 27 percent higher chance of finding a job than non-volunteers. Those who lacked a high school degree were 51 percent more likely than non-volunteers to get a job, and volunteers in rural areas were 55 percent more likely to find paid work.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Contributing your time and effort also relieves stress and is healthy. Making new friends as you work with other volunteers is an added bonus.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">There are an astonishing number of choices in volunteer activities, covering a range of goals, interests and time commitments. For further information on what’s available in your area, check out <a href="http://www.Serve.gov">Serve.gov</a> and other websites. (Just type “volunteering” in your search engine.)</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" width="75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" width="78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" width="75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>Remembering When Your Husband Diedtag:connect.legacy.com,2014-11-19:1984035:BlogPost:6297132014-11-19T20:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/remembering-when-your-husband-died" target="_self"><img class="align-full" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/REqOXlBbGhj6aj2DFaQw0xuQCXOZgt2kYqHn-BWbMAg*88iPxFrRYbZ0vsakyrpfU-z*bNxhDnIltcF0PaDXgORuR3x6gVxI/deathanniversaryFCCAresNguyen1200x630.jpg?width=600" width="600"></img></a></i></span></p>
<p style="text-align: right;"><span class="font-size-1"><i>Flickr Creative Commons | Ares Nguyen</i></span></p>
<p><i style="font-size: 12pt;">Q. Why don’t people remember the anniversary of my husband’s death? Even my husband’s sister and brother don’t seem to be aware of it or mark it in any way. It bothers me that he’s forgotten.…</i></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/remembering-when-your-husband-died" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/REqOXlBbGhj6aj2DFaQw0xuQCXOZgt2kYqHn-BWbMAg*88iPxFrRYbZ0vsakyrpfU-z*bNxhDnIltcF0PaDXgORuR3x6gVxI/deathanniversaryFCCAresNguyen1200x630.jpg?width=600" width="600" class="align-full"/></a></i></span></p>
<p style="text-align: right;"><span class="font-size-1"><i>Flickr Creative Commons | Ares Nguyen</i></span></p>
<p><i style="font-size: 12pt;">Q. Why don’t people remember the anniversary of my husband’s death? Even my husband’s sister and brother don’t seem to be aware of it or mark it in any way. It bothers me that he’s forgotten. What are your thoughts?</i></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">My "take" is that this is a very private anniversary — and when others forget the date it does not mean they are forgetting your husband — or you. Sometimes people think mentioning the subject would remind you of the death. They don’t realize that (1) we know. And (2) it comforts us when they remember.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The omission also does not mean that people who were close to your husband don’t think about him at times throughout the year, especially when certain situations stir their memories. It might be seeing a movie and thinking, "Bill would have loved this film. He was such a Woody Allen fan." Or, "If Frank were only here, I could ask his advice on whether to sell the business. He was great at getting me focused when I had to make an important decision."</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">People who haven't been through it also don't understand the impact of the anniversary on you, particularly if you've made the transition to a new and meaningful life. It's really up to you to tell them, "It would mean a lot to me if people acknowledged the day. That day is still hard for me."</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">If you have friends who are widows, too, you might discuss your feelings with them and ask about their experiences, which may give you new insight. Maybe they'll volunteer to put the date on their calendar and check in with you next year at this time.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">In your place, I would also ask myself, "What can I do to make myself feel better that day?" Would it be a good time to visit his grave (or not), or pick up the phone and call friends to talk over old times and memories that make you smile. One woman, who has been widowed twice, calls or emails her children on the anniversary of her first husband's death to say something like, "Just thinking about our family today. Love you, Mom." On the anniversary of her second husband’s death, she writes something to his children, such as, "Remember those drives to the beach with Dad, and all the laughs we had? Thinking of you." It enriches her – and them.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank" rel="nofollow">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank" rel="nofollow">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">What Do You Say When</a> and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank" rel="nofollow">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>When Couples Who Are Friends Disappear After Your Husband Diestag:connect.legacy.com,2014-10-21:1984035:BlogPost:6272912014-10-21T18:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/when-couples-who-are-friends-disappear-after-your-husband-dies" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/NDILiAzzLEUHCpA9q-IxYfH3BaF-e5shN4vYLG9qnk7YGpf7eOmDQrEeDXdOzw9PHmAa1MQLfJLkfwU4I6vr225Utxupd0OE/couplewalkingaway.jpg?width=150" width="150"></img></a> Q: I find that my relationships with some couple friends have changed dramatically since I’ve been widowed. In some cases, I’ve been dropped entirely from their social calendar; in others the wife is available for lunch or dinner only during the week and only alone. Is there anything I can do about…</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/when-couples-who-are-friends-disappear-after-your-husband-dies" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/NDILiAzzLEUHCpA9q-IxYfH3BaF-e5shN4vYLG9qnk7YGpf7eOmDQrEeDXdOzw9PHmAa1MQLfJLkfwU4I6vr225Utxupd0OE/couplewalkingaway.jpg?width=150" width="150" class="align-left"/></a>Q: I find that my relationships with some couple friends have changed dramatically since I’ve been widowed. In some cases, I’ve been dropped entirely from their social calendar; in others the wife is available for lunch or dinner only during the week and only alone. Is there anything I can do about it?</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Alas, it isn’t only you. And there are a few reasons for it. First and foremost, you’re a woman, and I believe many men feel they have to pick up your check when you have dinner with them and their wives. They don’t want to pay for you. But at the same time, they don’t feel comfortable having you pay your own way – even if you insist upon it. It’s just easier to forget the whole thing. Because I was aware of this issue, I told my close couple friends that I wanted to feel free to suggest we go out to dinner or whatever – and the only way I could do that was to pay my own way. The men were uncomfortable at first, but got used to it. I regularly go out with couple friends as a result.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">You might also suggest “an activity excursion,” such as seeing a museum show together and having lunch or brunch there. Or how about a lecture on a topic of interest to the three of you, such as politics or history, preceded by a light supper or followed by coffee. If you and they are into sports, you might attend a game together. A movie and discovering a new restaurant for lunch or dinner is another possibility. If the man is really stubborn about the check, you can even call and give your credit card information to the restaurant in advance so there’s nothing to argue about. Your bill is already paid. Some of my most enjoyable evenings have been with couples who adjusted to me.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The issue of parties and dinners at a couple’s home is another story. Unfortunately, a single woman is sometimes not as welcome as a widower would be. He’s always an asset as an extra man, and people are always trying to “fix him up” with someone. On the other hand, a widow can be considered a threat by a hostess — as someone on the prowl for male companionship, possibly including the hostess’ own mate or significant other. Unfortunately, this situation is out of your hands.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" width="75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" width="78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" width="75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Flickr Creative Commons|<a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/pauldineen/" target="_blank">Paul L. Dineen</a></em></span></p>Solo Vacations for Widowstag:connect.legacy.com,2014-09-10:1984035:BlogPost:6248432014-09-10T17:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/solo-vacations-for-widows" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/mh3Kww4q4JzD9abAuJV1vfQB7eb3ExIYZOrwI*7d5GrBM8UMXGC3foN-MG2uubaZQw602JNgUmp40zEz5B58Rek2P7pxglh1/MJ_Anchored.jpg?width=300" width="300"></img></a> <span class="font-size-3">Q. I’m in my 50s and thinking of taking a vacation by myself so I can meet some new people. But I’m also frightened. I’ve never traveled completely alone before, although my late husband and I saw much of the world together. Do you have any suggestions?</span></i></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I think you’re brave. Many widows share your anxiety. Yet…</span></p>
<p><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/solo-vacations-for-widows" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/mh3Kww4q4JzD9abAuJV1vfQB7eb3ExIYZOrwI*7d5GrBM8UMXGC3foN-MG2uubaZQw602JNgUmp40zEz5B58Rek2P7pxglh1/MJ_Anchored.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left"/></a><span class="font-size-3">Q. I’m in my 50s and thinking of taking a vacation by myself so I can meet some new people. But I’m also frightened. I’ve never traveled completely alone before, although my late husband and I saw much of the world together. Do you have any suggestions?</span></i></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I think you’re brave. Many widows share your anxiety. Yet the options for solo leisure travel for women have skyrocketed in just the last few years. Most solo travelers are 55-plus and (surprise!) it turns out that women are more likely than men to travel alone.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Tours and other group trips (whether for women only or open to all) and cruises are obvious choices to consider. The details are all taken care of for you. You don’t have to worry about dining alone. On a cruise, you can ask to be seated with others. Just start the conversation by introducing yourself and asking the person next to you, “Where are you from?”</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Last year, I tried something else. I decided I wanted to go to Berlin and Paris “partially alone.” I called a new friend I’d met on a cruise and asked if she’d be interested in joining me. She lives in London and was up for the Berlin part, although I would spend the first day alone. For the Paris segment I called couple friends who live in France and asked them if they’d like to join me. They could, although I would spend two days on my own before they arrived. I considered that a milestone, especially the part where I walked into an appealing café, took a table outdoors right up front, and ordered a glass of wine and dinner. Part of the way through, I started a conversation with an American family with two young children sitting right next to me.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Yes, I had mild anxiety on my trip, but I do mean mild. A highlight was exiting through the wrong door to get to baggage claim at the Berlin airport — and finding myself barred from re-entering despite assurances that I was not a terrorist. But I asked for help and eventually got it in what turned out to be quite an adventure. By the time I got to my hotel, my confidence had soared. Eventually I hope to progress to spending three or four days on my own in London.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I encourage you to push against your fears and give a solo vacation a try — in whatever form it takes.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" width="75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" width="78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" width="75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><em><span class="font-size-2">Image via Wikimedia Commons, Mdineen</span><br/></em></span></p>How to Create a Widow's 'In Memoriam' for Her Late Husbandtag:connect.legacy.com,2014-08-19:1984035:BlogPost:6223752014-08-19T15:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-2"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/how-to-create-a-widow-s-in-memoriam-for-her-late-husband" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/w3eiFFRDzzdKMdtSiR*reO3Vfx9plyDmDegU5mj-FaJlXoktpo0ea*QEaEl5CDp0SU28V501-cCfR0yeN-43j3zO1E3qpTg7/In_memoriamWikibyPRAresized.jpg?width=300" width="300"></img></a> <span class="font-size-3">Q. I’d like to run an in memoriam for my late husband in the newspaper obituary section. Is there any time limit? (My husband died four years ago.) What should I say, and when is the best time to do it?</span></i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">There’s no expiration date for loving and…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/how-to-create-a-widow-s-in-memoriam-for-her-late-husband" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/w3eiFFRDzzdKMdtSiR*reO3Vfx9plyDmDegU5mj-FaJlXoktpo0ea*QEaEl5CDp0SU28V501-cCfR0yeN-43j3zO1E3qpTg7/In_memoriamWikibyPRAresized.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left"/></a><span class="font-size-3">Q. I’d like to run an in memoriam for my late husband in the newspaper obituary section. Is there any time limit? (My husband died four years ago.) What should I say, and when is the best time to do it?</span></i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">There’s no expiration date for loving and remembering someone dear to you. I’ve seen in memoriams for people who died nine years ago, 20 years ago—or more. They are public declarations that this person had value and lives on in the hearts and minds of others. The idea is to honor and celebrate the individual before the world. The act is also healing for the bereaved.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Listen to your heart for the best time to do it. Birthdays are especially popular times, and you might say something like, “Patrick, You would have been 70 today. What a loss to us and to all who knew and admired you.” Father’s Day is another obvious choice if the two of you had children and reared a family together. Holidays like Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, or the anniversary of his death come to mind, as well. If he was a veteran of the military, you might feel Memorial Day is appropriate. Or it can simply be any time when the spirit moves you. There is no right or wrong here. After the birth of her first grandchild, one widow’s in memoriam to her husband read, “The baby looks just like you. You live on in him. I miss you so.”</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">It’s up to you to decide whether to state the date of his death (or of both his birth and death) in the in memoriam – or not. Here are a few examples:</span></p>
<blockquote><p><span class="font-size-3">SMITH – Joseph, 5/6/02</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Husband, father, grandfather. In our hearts forever.</span></p>
</blockquote>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Or</span></p>
<blockquote><p><span class="font-size-3">Riggiano – Albert, Sept. 20, 1943-March 12, 2004</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Ten years ago today. You’ll never be forgotten by me and the children.</span></p>
</blockquote>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Some people include a signature, as in, “Happy Birthday, Don. Your loving wife, June.” Others include their children in the signature, as in “The years go by, but you’re cherished always. Ann, Nelly and Arthur</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">A photo is occasionally included in an in memoriam, although far less often than in obits. If you’d like more examples of in memoriams, check online with your search engine. Or you can call the obituary department of your local newspaper. Trained staff is usually available to help you compose just the right words.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank" rel="nofollow">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank" rel="nofollow">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">What Do You Say When</a> and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank" rel="nofollow">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Wikimedia Commons, PRA</em></span></p>Should Out-of-Towners Attend Your Spouse's Funeral or Visit Later?tag:connect.legacy.com,2014-07-02:1984035:BlogPost:6157032014-07-02T12:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3" style="color: #888888;"><b><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/should-out-of-towners-attend-your-spouse-s-funeral-or-visit-later" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/FsV0PLw632rU*dXAtWiILnS*N*JsFmG6co7qZqOfOn1mSzdv-3eFjTBQkW8N8FtRWgPdDec5V1bgt0b1A4gWtcZLrk3ZEkWO/200Viewing_museum_display1.jpg?width=300" width="300"></img></a></i></b> <span style="color: #000000;"><i>Q.</i> <i>My husband has been desperately ill for a long time, and I’ve been told it’s only a matter of weeks now. Close friends who live far away have asked whether I prefer they fly in for the funeral – or visit me afterward. They can’t do both,…</i></span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #888888;" class="font-size-3"><b><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/should-out-of-towners-attend-your-spouse-s-funeral-or-visit-later" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/FsV0PLw632rU*dXAtWiILnS*N*JsFmG6co7qZqOfOn1mSzdv-3eFjTBQkW8N8FtRWgPdDec5V1bgt0b1A4gWtcZLrk3ZEkWO/200Viewing_museum_display1.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left"/></a></i></b><span style="color: #000000;"><i>Q.</i> <i>My husband has been desperately ill for a long time, and I’ve been told it’s only a matter of weeks now. Close friends who live far away have asked whether I prefer they fly in for the funeral – or visit me afterward. They can’t do both, because of finances and work commitments. I’m not sure what’s best. What do you suggest?</i></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">You’re not the first person to raise this issue. We live in a society where our “near and dear” may live on another coast or even in another country. Because grief is debilitating and you need all the resources you can muster, consider asking the question: “When will their presence will be most valuable to me?” For example, how much emotional and practical support do you have nearby? Will you be surrounded by family members, friends and/or neighbors who will provide solace and help you deal with the details and decisions that are sure to arise around the time of the funeral? If the answer is yes, you may prefer a visit later on. Or, you may want these friends with you at the services, regardless of the local resources available. There is no right or wrong here.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;" class="font-size-3">One widow told me, “It’s a no-brainer. The funeral and aftermath is a mob of people – and then they leave. It was so nice to know friends would arrive in a few weeks. You need people later on.” Another widow felt uncomfortable being alone in her house after the hubbub quieted down. (Anxiety can be part of the territory after your mate has died.) She looked forward to the company of out-of-town friends, who stayed with her for several days. They had their own memories of her husband and insights to share. Their visit was another chance to pull out the photograph albums and reminisce. It was an opportunity to “hang out” and talk about issues beginning to emerge, such as whether to sell her house and consider an apartment. They accompanied her to the cemetery.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;" class="font-size-3">Only you can decide which choice works best at this time of extreme vulnerability and fragility. You’ve already been through a lot as caregiver to your husband. I do urge you to be honest about what you need. In your place, I’d sleep on it and then go with my gut.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #000000;" class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" width="75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" width="78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" width="75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Wikimedia Commons, Robert Lawton</em></span></p>Learn to Ask for Help After Your Husband Diestag:connect.legacy.com,2014-06-13:1984035:BlogPost:6143572014-06-13T19:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p align="center" style="text-align: left;"><i style="font-size: 12pt;"><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/learn-to-ask-for-help-after-your-husband-dies" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/FsV0PLw632qsLJ6HLJ0GhgPIJ8DAllXp*qytUqKjy8Pk-WdrVAS2i9YyB-Fg0DG6-Gg0ibLSy*30Y61Dx1MjCJDqf0snEnU8/Dahlia_Santas_Helper.JPG?width=400" width="400"></img></a> Q. How can I deal with all the details I must handle now that my husband is no longer here? He died three months ago, and I feel like I’m drowning. How do other women do it?</i></p>
<p align="center" style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-3">Having to do everything yourself, including the…</span></p>
<p align="center" style="text-align: left;"><i style="font-size: 12pt;"><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/learn-to-ask-for-help-after-your-husband-dies" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/FsV0PLw632qsLJ6HLJ0GhgPIJ8DAllXp*qytUqKjy8Pk-WdrVAS2i9YyB-Fg0DG6-Gg0ibLSy*30Y61Dx1MjCJDqf0snEnU8/Dahlia_Santas_Helper.JPG?width=400" width="400" class="align-left"/></a>Q. How can I deal with all the details I must handle now that my husband is no longer here? He died three months ago, and I feel like I’m drowning. How do other women do it?</i></p>
<p align="center" style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-3">Having to do everything yourself, including the tasks that “he” used to handle, is one of the major challenges of widowhood. Unfortunately, many of us flounder through the seemingly endless details we must handle, rather than ask friends and relatives for aid. We don’t want to be a “burden” to others or have them feel forced to help. (We somehow forget that these people are perfectly capable of saying “no” if they can’t or don’t wish to assist.) Or we don’t want to “owe” them, although often we’re simply asking for wise advice, another perspective or information on “working the system,” whether it’s Social Security, the</span> Veterans Affairs<span class="font-size-3">, or the Department of Motor Vehicles. It’s common, too, to associate needing help with laziness or dependency. However, asking for assistance is a way to empower yourself, as well.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">In my own case, I gradually assembled a kind of unofficial “team” of people I could call on. I spread my requests among them, so that no one person would feel taken advantage of. I learned that strategy from a dear friend who used it after a difficult divorce. It worked for her – and for me, too.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Yes, it helps if you have resources in the form of friends or acquaintances who have expertise you need, such as legal or insurance advice. But often you don’t take stock of the resources you have. One of the ways to do that is to ask yourself, "Who do I know who might know about ---.” And make a list. If someone doesn’t have the answer for you, he or she may know someone else who does. The most unlikely people can wind up being tremendously helpful, whether you need help cleaning out your husband’s closets, a good accountant or someone to pick you up at the dentist’s office after a procedure involving anesthesia.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">I found that asking for and receiving help was like a muscle I had to massage. I had to force myself at first, but I grew more and more confident each time. I might be helpless to fix the faucet, but I could find others who knew how. So can you. Ask and ye shall receive.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>***</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" width="75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" width="78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank" rel="noopener"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" width="75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow noopener" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Wikimedia Commons, Loic Evanno<b> </b></em></span></p>Advice for Widows on Philanthropytag:connect.legacy.com,2014-05-05:1984035:BlogPost:6113502014-05-05T18:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-4"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/advice-for-widows-on-philanthropy" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/6LjPLZ8wv3eZIxCuHToAO0f3cOm*3vGeP6CklnaOI4p5-XWXsOSkUEOZTrhLud1ZPl37IkMlwoF58LnFt4UoBHTjQbIyvRLI/Stack_of_moneyWikibyFBIBuffaloFieldOffice.jpg?width=225" width="225"></img></a> <span class="font-size-3">Q. I’m thinking of leaving some money in my will to the college I attended. When my husband was alive, we gave more to his alma mater than mine, and I want to make up for it. Should I let the school know about my plan? Or is it enough to just mention the bequest in my will?…</span></i></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-4"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/advice-for-widows-on-philanthropy" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/6LjPLZ8wv3eZIxCuHToAO0f3cOm*3vGeP6CklnaOI4p5-XWXsOSkUEOZTrhLud1ZPl37IkMlwoF58LnFt4UoBHTjQbIyvRLI/Stack_of_moneyWikibyFBIBuffaloFieldOffice.jpg?width=225" width="225" class="align-left"/></a><span class="font-size-3">Q. I’m thinking of leaving some money in my will to the college I attended. When my husband was alive, we gave more to his alma mater than mine, and I want to make up for it. Should I let the school know about my plan? Or is it enough to just mention the bequest in my will?</span></i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;" class="font-size-3">It’s common for widows to want to continue giving to and supporting charities their husbands cared about. But as we grow more independent in our new role as women on our own, we often start feeling more in charge of decision making. And philanthropy is very empowering for women.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">It wasn’t until 20 years ago that women started asking for parity in their gifts, according to Abbie J. von Schlegell, CFRE, a consultant on philanthropy. The first evidence of it was a $200 million gift to National Public Radio by Joan Kroc, widow of Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald’s. She also left $1.5 billion to the Salvation Army.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Although few of us are in Joan Kroc’s financial league, we women do have surprising resources today. Women live longer than men (although the gender gap in life expectancy has narrowed to under five years). Many women today inherit not only when their husbands die, but also when their parents die.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Women have money. They now control more than 50 percent of the wealth in the United States, and that means assets.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">“The baby boomer women, particularly, are inheriting (or will) twice. There’s this huge wealth transfer that we’ll be in the middle of by 2017,” says von Schlegell.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">It’s a very good idea to notify your alma mater of your intention to donate in advance – for a few reasons. It gives the school a chance to get to know you better and help you understand the impact your gift can make. <span style="font-size: 12pt;">Donating also has social benefits, offering a whole new way to meet new people you didn’t know you had a connection to. You’ll be invited to donor and educational events, where you’ll be treated very well. You may find you want to get involved in ways you never thought about before.</span></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Von Schlegell notes, for example, that many women who were Girl Scouts as children now serve on the Girl Scouts council in her area.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">“The majority are widows,” she says. “They find community in that.”</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a></em><em> author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Wikimedia Commons, FBI Buffalo Field Office</em></span></p>More Online Dating Tips for Widows, Part Twotag:connect.legacy.com,2014-04-09:1984035:BlogPost:6091402014-04-09T17:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/more-online-dating-tips-for-widows-part-two" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/dzJVcnA3Xm1wkJ1cjlHlETux7vWf84HHdEcOJhxLh76tn35C2FcBqx9yQslZkkHxQ6bXQil6R5OapfyPnHWKv9cw-ma-6BSV/ThinkPad_EdgeResized.jpg?width=300" width="300"></img></a> Q. I’ve tried online dating on a variety of websites, but have never been interested in continuing to see someone after a first meeting for coffee or lunch. There hasn’t been any chemistry. Any advice? I had a very good marriage and my friends say my standards are too high. But I’m not willing to just “settle.”…</i></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/more-online-dating-tips-for-widows-part-two" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/dzJVcnA3Xm1wkJ1cjlHlETux7vWf84HHdEcOJhxLh76tn35C2FcBqx9yQslZkkHxQ6bXQil6R5OapfyPnHWKv9cw-ma-6BSV/ThinkPad_EdgeResized.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left"/></a>Q. I’ve tried online dating on a variety of websites, but have never been interested in continuing to see someone after a first meeting for coffee or lunch. There hasn’t been any chemistry. Any advice? I had a very good marriage and my friends say my standards are too high. But I’m not willing to just “settle.”</i></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">A couple of possibilities come to mind. First, unrealistic expectations are an issue for some widows. Are you setting yourself up for failure by using your late husband as a yardstick? He may be a hard act to follow – and impossible to live up to. Remember, it took many years for the two of you build a relationship. You faced problems together and found ways to work them out. You grew to know and understand each other over time. You resolved some differences and learned you had to live with others. A new relationship at this stage of your life doesn’t have a chance unless you accept that it takes a while to develop. It’s only human to want the same kind of connection with someone new, but it doesn’t happen overnight.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">I also wonder whether you’ve thought through the qualities you want in a new man. They’re probably very different from what was important to you earlier in your life. For example, do you require that he follow the same religion you do? You may have cared about that when you were younger, but may not now--especially if your children are grown and out on their own. Does he have to share your politics? How about your interest in theater and ballet? Does he have to be financially well off? What are your deal breakers?</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Realize it may take a very long time to figure out what you really want. One widow told me, “I want a smart, competent, take charge guy, who I can turn to and say, ‘What should I do about this?’ It would also be great if he’s handy with computers and can fix the smoke alarm.” Another woman wants a poet.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Be aware, too, that some widows don’t want another romantic relationship. They’ve built fulfilling lives for themselves, had a chance to gain independence, and see a new man as someone they will have to “give up a lot for.” We all have different definitions of happiness.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a></em><em> author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"> </span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><i>Image via Wikimedia Commons, 246-You</i></span></p>Ten Online Dating Tips for Widows, Part Onetag:connect.legacy.com,2014-03-10:1984035:BlogPost:6058742014-03-10T14:30:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3" style="color: #888888;"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/ten-online-dating-tips-for-widows-part-one" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/bDmjSM9kXXa8yiFFshfsUW*lG*b5xCwUNkl9QPRPzHa0Jbqwq-7Zy2D*KiJPPCHLH241R1DanXdTHya*UC6SXeMf*RC702qy/onlinedatingresized.jpg?width=300" width="300"></img></a> <span style="color: #000000;">Q. I’m considering online dating for the first time since the death of my husband. I have no idea how or where to start. Can you give me some direction?</span></i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">First, select a dating website that feels congenial. This isn’t as easy as it…</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #888888;" class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/ten-online-dating-tips-for-widows-part-one" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/bDmjSM9kXXa8yiFFshfsUW*lG*b5xCwUNkl9QPRPzHa0Jbqwq-7Zy2D*KiJPPCHLH241R1DanXdTHya*UC6SXeMf*RC702qy/onlinedatingresized.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left"/></a><span style="color: #000000;">Q. I’m considering online dating for the first time since the death of my husband. I have no idea how or where to start. Can you give me some direction?</span></i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">First, select a dating website that feels congenial. This isn’t as easy as it sounds, because so many choices are available. For example, do you want to date people who share your religious beliefs? You’ll find a wide spectrum of sites for various denominations – and even some for atheists and agnostics in search of romance.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;" class="font-size-3">Do you want a site specifically designed for your age group, such as “over 50s”? Are you open to someone divorced – or never married? Or do you prefer to meet a widower who understands firsthand the grief and loss involved when you lose a spouse? There are websites for all of these categories, plus some that focus on matching up people in similar occupations. A few even connect farmers and those who would like to meet farmers. And don’t forget the issue of economics. Some websites are absolutely free. Others charge a fee. Only you can decide what is and isn’t worth it.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;" class="font-size-3">If possible, before making a choice, talk to other widows who have dated online about their own experiences at websites. They can often provide valuable information about what to expect. At the same time, realize that “the world’s worst place to meet someone” for one person can be “the best place” in the eyes of someone else. So do your research, but trust your own gut as well. You can always drop out of a site if it doesn’t work for you.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;" class="font-size-3">The next step is to create a personal profile, which is required on every website. Try to find someone experienced in online dating to help you. One widow turned to someone younger – her daughter-in-law, who had dated online before her marriage. The latter urged her to, “Say what’s unique about you. What are your interests or values or dreams that make you stand out?” How about you? Do you watch football games, love the beach (or crossword puzzles or travel on steamships)? Have you opened a new cupcake business? Say so.</span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;" class="font-size-3">Yes it’s scary to try something new. But think of it as an adventure. And stay tuned next month for tips on actually talking to people online – and avoiding the trap of unrealistic expectations that can stop you cold.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a></em><em> author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via The Associated Press, Al Behrman</em></span></p>How to Help Another Widowtag:connect.legacy.com,2014-01-23:1984035:BlogPost:6007332014-01-23T19:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/how-to-help-another-widow" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/6BVh8HLZgqSMCx7Yl*kdaRMU5JVjkgx0ezOKqMHs*A9iZ1FwQqUouBwETU6M3mdQRoTQA6qkbB*7YM9kODWhJGlFDmfm3K2q/GoldenGirls3002.jpg?width=300" width="300"></img></a> Q. My friend’s husband died several months ago, and she’s having a very hard time. She’s on the verge of becoming a recluse and won’t consider a bereavement group or counseling. How can I help her? I’m a widow myself, but I’ve tried everything I can think of.</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Not everyone is open to joining a bereavement group…</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/how-to-help-another-widow" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/6BVh8HLZgqSMCx7Yl*kdaRMU5JVjkgx0ezOKqMHs*A9iZ1FwQqUouBwETU6M3mdQRoTQA6qkbB*7YM9kODWhJGlFDmfm3K2q/GoldenGirls3002.jpg?width=300" width="300" class="align-left"/></a>Q. My friend’s husband died several months ago, and she’s having a very hard time. She’s on the verge of becoming a recluse and won’t consider a bereavement group or counseling. How can I help her? I’m a widow myself, but I’ve tried everything I can think of.</i></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Not everyone is open to joining a bereavement group or talking to a professional; we all have our own styles. It can take some of us longer than others to start on the path toward another life. And you can’t force someone to do what they don’t want to do, no matter how beneficial your suggestions may be. However, you can gently “nudge” the person in the right direction. One strategy is to make an “end run” around the person’s objection.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">“You can talk about joining a group that has nothing to do with being a widow or grieving — a group that centers on an interest,” says Mary-Ellen Siegel, MSW, LCSW, a clinical instructor on the faculty of the Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York City.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">A widow herself, Siegel adds, “When my own husband died, I had many ready-made friends who had lost their spouses and been ‘in the foxholes,’ so to speak. Someone who doesn’t have that large circle of support might try something like a pottery workshop, which can help fill the days.” She joins as someone who enjoys working with a kiln, rather than “Jane the widow.”</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Any group can serve the purpose. It’s more likely other women will attend daytime activities, and your friend might meet people who like going to the movies or a local restaurant together. Evening activities are likelier to draw men and working women.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Other possibilities include a book club, community group or a class in anything from poetry to computers. Lots of people hang out at the local library, where they can read the kinds of books they enjoy or branch out into other genres — and sometimes start conversations with others who share their interests. Volunteering is another option. Helping people also helps you feel you have a definite role and purpose in life.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Some of us are unready for therapeutic help or unwilling to hear it from others. Some want to feel they’re the only ones in the world who miss their spouse. They may believe that even other widows won’t necessarily understand them. It’s great if you can get them involved in an activity without bereavement connotations that might make them feel categorized.</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2">***</span></p>
<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
<p></p>
<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img width="78" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img width="75" class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75"/></a></em><em> author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>"Golden Girls" Image via The Associated Press</em></span></p>A Widow's Dilemma: Should I Ask About a Potential Partner's Health Status?tag:connect.legacy.com,2014-01-06:1984035:BlogPost:5988272014-01-06T19:00:00.000ZFlorence Isaacshttp://connect.legacy.com/profile/Florence_Isaacs_Widow_in_the_World
<p align="center" style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/a-widow-s-dilemma-should-i-ask-about-a-potential-partner-s-health" target="_self"><img class="align-left" src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/8XZ9tNduvb1HY5ccBn*sQTg3SOSsQNVTqxDiIHr11Ot1VPztreFC6pQFFSdl8VqeZlPg9HLjRijQc6x0iYE06gx6VaN5A5R0/Stethoscope2ByHujiStatOwnworkPublicdomainviaWikimediaCommons.jpg?width=250" width="250"></img></a> Q. My husband was very sick for years before he died. Although I loved him dearly, I’m now ready for a new relationship. But I’m not willing to be a nurse again. I recently met someone and want to know about the state of his health before I get too involved. I need your advice on…</i></span></p>
<p align="center" style="text-align: left;"><span class="font-size-3"><i><a href="http://connect.legacy.com/profiles/blogs/a-widow-s-dilemma-should-i-ask-about-a-potential-partner-s-health" target="_self"><img src="http://api.ning.com:80/files/8XZ9tNduvb1HY5ccBn*sQTg3SOSsQNVTqxDiIHr11Ot1VPztreFC6pQFFSdl8VqeZlPg9HLjRijQc6x0iYE06gx6VaN5A5R0/Stethoscope2ByHujiStatOwnworkPublicdomainviaWikimediaCommons.jpg?width=250" width="250" class="align-left"/></a>Q. My husband was very sick for years before he died. Although I loved him dearly, I’m now ready for a new relationship. But I’m not willing to be a nurse again. I recently met someone and want to know about the state of his health before I get too involved. I need your advice on what I should say.</i></span></p>
<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Open communication seems like the best approach. If health issues don’t come up naturally in the course of conversation, such as when one of you takes a pill or mentions medication, you may simply have to say something like, “You seem fit. Are you?” Or you may have to ask directly, “Do you have any major health problems?” Yes, it’s awkward, but this is an awkward situation. In one case, a widower went even further than you plan to. He said to the widow he was seeing, “Our relationship is heading toward the next level. As you know, my wife died of colon cancer. I don’t think I could handle going through that again. Are you willing to take a colonoscopy? Would you do this for me?”</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">The woman involved was very understanding and agreed to take the test (which turned out fine). And he was touched and appreciative. Another woman, however, might have been outraged and retorted, “How could you ask me that?” That’s the chance you take.</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">Another issue is that there are no guarantees in this life. Someone seemingly in the best of health (even a jock) can suddenly keel over from a heart attack. (It happened to a dear friend of mine a few months ago.) Accidents also happen. And the aforementioned woman who sailed through her colonoscopy could always develop a totally different dread disease at some time in the future. What happens then?</span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">I also think of a widow I once met who remarried and subsequently left her second husband after he fell severely ill. Perhaps both would have been better off if they’d talked honestly about health before marrying. Conversely, other couples remarry fearlessly despite acknowledged medical problems, and they manage to find happiness. </span></p>
<p><span class="font-size-3">In the end, we are who we are. Past generations didn’t live long enough to confront these issues, which have become very real as second- and even third-time widows and widowers become more common in our society.</span></p>
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<p style="text-align: center;"><span class="font-size-2"><em>If you have a question for Florence, please email her at <a rel="nofollow" href="mailto:fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com" target="blank">fisaacs@florenceisaacs.com</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569242852/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=217145&amp;creative=399369&amp;creativeASIN=1569242852" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/oR3P*8h-GcFoFAoADIoGl7z4wHDwoRa3eMY37p-zMXe4L8xSog1DSPSOuxTcJ18QgTEw*05msv86He5r852KEiv7-Lrf7Us7/whenthemanyoulove2.jpg?width=75" width="75"/></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/XcAwVH5uSnOvHFE2MhrgHzRtx*Kx58OSPyoc5a*NUwsUd2wy5t4K*Z7Qp7qoVgdM7Nw-Uq-4LnSAcZ01Ua*AWEb4v3Xy3mEx/justanote.jpg?width=78" width="78"/></a><em><a href="http://florenceisaacs.com/" target="_blank" rel="nofollow">Florence Isaacs</a> is a freelance journalist,</em><em><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank"><img class="align-right" src="http://api.ning.com/files/okGNM-sEylxwu0ePl-1U76nMjAkBt45qSaSA35PAR2bV3RVPjXwIvIkNMurZRl-ipLQkBpr0XIm-nvtT1BVBUMi3hJxZ3jgj/WhatDoYouSayWhen.bmp?width=75" width="75"/></a></em><em>author — and a widow herself. Her books include <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0609605658?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=0609605658" target="_blank">My Deepest Sympathies</a>, <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001G8WJX6?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=B001G8WJX6" target="blank">When the Man You Love Is Ill</a>,<a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/what-do-you-say-when-florence-isaacs/1103375456" target="_blank">What Do You Say When</a> and <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/030723665X?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=legacycom-20&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=390957&amp;creativeASIN=030723665X" target="blank">Just a Note to Say...The Perfect Words for Every Occasion</a>.</em></span></p>
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<p><span class="font-size-2"><em>Image via Wikimedia Commons, HujiStat</em></span></p>