Warning Forever (PC) review

"Remember those fun days when you played 'Darius'?
"

Remember those fun days when you played 'Darius'?

Well, now, no need to be shy about it: you only remember the “WARNING: A Huge Battleship [Silly Boss Name] Is Approaching Fast!” bits, aye? Then some fish-shaped boss would come over and the two of you would engage in ritual combat. Merriment for all! (except for the soon-to-be-destroyed fish-shaped battleship crew)

Well, in this game, these moments are... forever! (Except for the fish-shaped parts)

In this game (which, apart from the name and genre, has nothing to do with Darius), you get control of ye olde tiny starship with big firepower. There are power-ups in sight, but the spread gun you got can be aimed with full 360 degree rotation and you can control how concentrated the shots will go. Actually, it's such a ridiculously simple, yet so extremely useful weapon design, that you'd think someone else should have thought of it before.

In each stage, you fight a lot of enemies until you get to the boss, with a twist: the 'lots of enemies' have been suppressed in the final version. The programmer figured 'hey, let's just cut to the good part, eh?'.

So you have just to beat the boss to get to the next level. You shoot him, a lot. You blast his weapons away. Eventually you win! Yay! Now... prepare for the next boss!

But wait! Remember that gun the boss had which was really easy to dodge? Gone. Instead, it got upgraded to that one which was really, really hard to dodge. Oh, and in doubles!

This goes on... forever! Each stage has a bigger boss than the last one, which just so happens to adapt to your play style to frustrate you further and further. The game ends only when you DIE.

Dying, by the way, is defined by the game mode you choose. The standard mode gives you infinite lives but 180 seconds to play. Kill a boss to gain 30 seconds more, get hit to lose 20 seconds. Another mode gives you 3 lives, with more earned if you shred enough boss appendages to bits. You can also customize these modes life-wise to yer liking.

~//~

Warning Forever is not really an original game. I wouldn't say it is even good. It is just HORRIBLY HORRIBLY ADDICTING!

It's just so easy to download the game for free (less than 1MB!), get it rolling and LOSE YOURSELF in it. The graphics may not seem much at first, but the superb animations, the multi-colored bullets, the realistic explosions and the oh-so-awesome sound effects that accompany this boss carnage will change your opinion about this as soon as the clock ticks from 180 to 179 seconds.

It won't take longer than your first playthrough for worried sibling to start worrying at your constant cursing and swearing at what you call 'the gatdam bosses who just get bigger and bigger and meaner'. Your shirt shall never again be non-drenched in sweat. Lots of stuff you were supposed to be doing will seem so, so much less important.

Since you are reading this to decide whether or not you should play 'Warning Forever' I'll provide some facts from the “Zanzard Data Resource Intelligence Unit”:

80% of today's companies failed projects happen because everyone in the office gets too busy perfecting their Warning Forever high scores to do any real work.

65% of children being born to parents with Internet connections capable of downloading 1MB of data are being named after one of the virtually infinite bosses in this game. Among the favorite choices are 'Big Hepta-Armed Necronomicon Custom Edition' & 'Huge Octa-Legged Thanatos Gonzales Series'.

Among these children, it has been reported that they have developed the uncanny ability 93% of the time to dodge bullets frantically. They are also diagnosed as hyperactive kids in 100% of cases.

The bottom line? Coke costs too much money. This game is FREE! So if you're gonna get addicted, do it the smart way!

I'm off now. 'Humongous Dodeca-Tentacled Kaiser Murray Chassis' has it coming for him as soon as I get to level 57!

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