How do I ask a girl out?

Asking a girl out is scary – especially if it’s your first time. Unlike asking out a member of the opposite sex, there’s no rubric on how to do it. Chances are, none of your female friends have ever invited a fellow lady to hang out as “more than friends”, and the risk of being shot down (is she even gay?) is enough to paralyze even the bravest socialite.

So what’s a girl to do? First and foremost, do your research. Ask around (without being too creepy) to figure out if this girl you’ve got your eye on is gay – or at least bisexual. If you can’t find a single indication that she’s into women, then it’s time to trust your instinct. Has she put out “lesbian” vibes? Is she flirty with you? Does she seem uninterested in men? If you can confidently answer “yes” to any of these questions, then your chances go up. If your gut is telling you she’s straight, then your chances go way down.

At the end of the day, there’s no way to know someone’s sexuality unless they’re out and proud. Unfortunately, that means that sometimes you just have to go for it. When you reach that point, set your hesitations aside and invite her out to coffee. Not into hot beverages? Opt for a walk and some ice cream instead. The point is, pick a neutral activity. This will create a safe opportunity for you to test the waters and figure out – once and for all – if she’s into women. More importantly, it’ll give you the chance to figure out if she’s into you.

When it’s time to actually ask her out, do your best to radiate confidence. In fact, don’t even ask – tell. Typically, “we should grab coffee later” sounds a lot cooler than, “would you be interested in getting coffee with me sometime?” Hear the difference? As an added bonus, this self-assuredness could be construed as a friendly invite rather than a romantic one – safer, and still has the potential to turn into something more.

Now, let’s talk about the “what ifs…”.

What if she thinks we’re just “hanging out” and I get stuck in the “friend zone”? If this happens, it’s probably safe to say that she’s not interested in women – or in you. And that’s fine. Not all humans are sexually compatible. There’s also a chance that she’s interested but doesn’t know if you’re a lesbian. To avoid this ironic (and not uncommon) situation, bring up the topic of sexuality on the second date. Ask her if she’s ever been to a pride parade, or wear a rainbow t-shirt as a conversation starter. If all else fails, just tell her you’re a lesbian. Worst case scenario, she’s homophobic and you go your separate ways.

What if she turns me down? There’s always a chance this will happen. People get rejected all the time regardless of their sexuality. It’ll suck, but you’ll get over it the same way you got over all the other letdowns in your life. But you’ll never know if you don’t try, right?