Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A judge has ruled that the federal government’s “no fly” rule is unconstitutional. The next step is to show that flying United subjects passengers to repeated violations of the Geneva Convention.

A judge has ruled that the federal government’s “no fly” rule is unconstitutional. It was also ruled that after going through preflight security, passengers and the TSA agents who search them are afterwards legally married in 17 states.

A judge has ruled that the federal government’s “no fly” rule is unconstitutional. The judge ruled that as long as airlines allowed Alec Baldwin to still fly, how much worse could it be to let suspected terrorists on board?

China is seeking Internet sovereignty, where they control domestic and even international Internet space. If that happens, online customers would still have the choice to pick which of the five available Internet sites they want to read about the life story of Mao Tse-Tung.

A newspaper report says the L.A. bus system discriminates against white Angelenos. People were shocked. When is the last time a white Angeleno actually tried to ride the bus?

A newspaper report says the L.A. bus system discriminates against white Angelenos. The problem reached its peak when an Angeleno was denied getting on a bus and was actually forced to walk somewhere.

Washington, D.C. has expanded its sales tax to include gyms and yoga classes. It’s ironic that politicians would go after fitness buffs in a town where everyone is only concerned about running for the next office.

A report says that rebels have captured a key oil refinery in Iraq. Anyone who was hoping the U.S. would stay out of the sectarian violence knows that with oil back in the picture, it’s only a matter of time before we find a reason to invade again.

The story of the Mississippi girl who was kicked out of a KFC because her injuries from a pit bull attack because her appearance was scaring customers turns out to be a hoax. Authorities became suspicious, knowing that KFC would lose every customer they ever had if they started turning away people for their appearance.

A thief in Minnesota was caught after checking his Facebook page and forgetting to log out while robbing a house. Next time he needs to remember to post what he ate for breakfast before he leaves to go on a crime spree.

A “bionic eye” has allowed a Michigan man to see for the first time in years. The first thing he did was put his home up for sale after realizing that he was still living in Michigan.

Federal investigators say the flight crew of the Asiana Airlines plane that crashed in San Francisco last year missed “multiple cues” that could have prevented the mishap. For one thing, they should have reacted when they saw the runway was right outside the window.

Federal investigators say the flight crew of the Asiana Airlines plane that crashed in San Francisco last year was not properly trained on their high tech airliner. The last thing you want to see is your pilot getting on the job training while at the controls of a Boeing 777.

Ford CEO Alan Mulally says he plans to advise the new CEO once he steps down. He will pretty much tell him to not do anything he sees GM and Chrysler come up with.

Bill Clinton is defending Hillary Clinton’s ties to middle income Americans. How much more middle American can you get than marrying a pudgy guy from Arkansas who used to drive an El Camino that was carpeted with Astro-turf?

A Malaysia Airline executive says the search for missing flight 370 could take decades. Which allowed CNN to announce its programming lineup for at least the next ten years.

A study says the Great Recession and slow recovery has widened the income gap in America. For most Americans the income gap means they wish they were making the same income as someone working at The Gap.

The oxygen poor “Dead Zone” in the Gulf of Mexico is forecast to be about average this summer. Although it appears the Gulf’s oxygen poor dead zone has now spread inland to Louisiana and is known by its other name, “Duck Dynasty.”

A congressional report says the ISIL is creating an Islamic state in the Middle East that will eventually attack the U.S. Apparently the attack will happen right after they figure out how to load missiles on 10,000 donkeys and march them across the Atlantic Ocean.

A study says that going to college is still worth it financially. Apparently it will help graduates with their taxes to have the college loan deduction since they will never be able to afford to have a home mortgage.

A study says that going to college is still worth it financially. At least to the universities, banks and alcohol rehab centers after graduation.

Bob Dylan’s handwritten lyrics to “Like a Rolling Stone” were sold at auction for $2.05 Million. It is considered a great piece of music history, as it was composed at a time when people still actually knew handwriting.

A study says that American families lost 43% of their wealth during the Great Recession. What’s worse is that the only part of their wealth they kept was their home mortgage on which they owe more than it is worth.

Automakers have recalled more than 32 Million U.S. vehicles in the first six months of 2014. That is more than in any other previous full year. The good news is that enough recall notices have been mailed out to give the Post Office enough revenue to run debt free the next five years.

A study says that Americans have more social and educational opportunity but less economic opportunity than they did in 1970. Mostly because they are completely in debt from their educational opportunity and their social opportunity means sitting on Facebook all day because they can’t find a job.

A study says that Americans have more social and educational opportunity but less economic opportunity than they did in 1970. Which is sad to look back longingly on a time that was marked by runaway inflation, disco and no reality TV shows.

A watchdog group has released a vehicle safety list for potential defects. The list pretty much just says “GM.”

A survey says that U.S. consumer confidence is at a six year high. The bad part is it means consumers are confident they can’t buy half of what they need.

AT&T’s CEO says that their merger with DirecTV is not the same as most mergers because they don’t offer the same services. In fact, he says that both companies are known for their refusal to provide any service.

Whole Foods has been fined $800,000 for overcharging customers in California. Isn’t being overcharged for basic foodstuffs pretty much the reason anyone shops at Whole Foods in the first place?

Whole Foods has been fined $800,000 for overcharging customers in California. Which could be bad news for lots of California companies who don’t call it overcharging but instead know it as their business model.

Whole Foods has been fined $800,000 for overcharging customers in California. The news made Starbucks executives very nervous, saying “They can do that?”

An Arizona company successfully tested a balloon that will take passengers to space for $75,000. That’s first class. Business class needs to bring their own helium and people traveling in economy will have to be prepared to blow very hard.

Business leaders are forecasting a grim picture of how climate change will affect the economy. More than $100 Billion of coastal property could be below sea level. The last time that much property went underwater, Countrywide Mortgage was still in business.

Business leaders are forecasting a grim picture of how climate change will affect the economy. It could result in Billions of dollars in lost property and reduced productivity. In other words, it could someday do almost as much damage as Wall Street banks.

A campaign is on in the UK to ban cigarette sales to anyone born after 2000. Which means in a few years, cigarettes could be as scarce on store shelves in England as toothpaste and dental floss.

A study says a lifetime of intellectual stimulation can stave off dementia. Which is causing some controversy as some southern states are classifying “intellectual stimulation” as binge watching an entire season of “Duck Dynasty.”

A pediatric group is telling parents they should read to their kids while they are in infancy. They are already providing an excellent opportunity by giving them a chance to read to their children from all kinds of magazines while sitting in the pediatrician’s office for three hours waiting for their appointment.

A study says that cellphones have the same bacteria found on their owners. Which means if you need to make a call and Paris Hilton is the only one around to ask if you can use her phone, it can probably wait.

Scientists say they have found a genetic link between marijuana and schizophrenia. Which is mostly from people being paranoid for the past 40 years from the fear of being caught smoking weed.

A study says that dropping weight makes people more awake and happy. Especially the ones who get some extra sleep now that they aren’t staying up all night raiding the refrigerator.

A musical about the Clintons will make its U.S. debut this summer. It’s the one that isn’t over until the fat lady gets on her knees.

A musical about the Clintons will make its U.S. debut this summer. The Republican National Committee has authorized their own musical about the Clintons. The songs will be written just as soon as someone can come up with a rhyme for “Benghazi.”

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez went to the L.A. Zoo together. Authorities kept a close eye on Bieber as it is nesting season and they wanted to make sure he wasn’t there to try to stockpile on eggs.

George Lucas has picked Chicago for the site of his “Star Wars” museum. Which means some airline is going to make a fortune offering direct flights from Silicon Valley to O’Hare.

Tiger Woods says he is pain free for the first time in two years. Which means Elin Woods must have whacked him a lot harder with that 9 iron than anyone thought.

Football star Johnny Manziel has been drafted by the Harlem Globetrotters. He was picked for his arm strength as he will be the one designated to throw the life preserver when they finally rescue the castaways on Gilligan’s Island.

The jersey LeBron James wore when he left game one of the NBA Finals with cramps is being sold in an online auction. It marks the first time that anyone ever left a basketball game with cramps who wasn’t in the WNBA.

The Big Ten is advocating offering four year scholarships and medical coverage to athletes. The four year scholarships will at least guarantee their players will leave campus as a sophomore.

A survey says that a large percentage of college sports fans will stop attending and watching if college athletes are paid. If that’s true, then why are USC’s teams still as popular as ever?

A gambling site in Norway says that 167 people cashed in on a bet that Uruguay’s Luis Suarez would bite someone at the World Cup. Apparently they felt it was more of a sure bet than wagering on any of the players actually scoring a goal.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another day of brilliant jokes and political satire. That’s what you got if you watched Stewart and Colbert. That’s opposed to the confusion and anger you felt after reading my blog instead. At least I am commercial free. And there is probably a very good reason for that. But I am thankful you all took the time out of your life you will never get back to read my humor. While the site doesn’t generate any cash, at least I am rewarded every time you remember to send the love!