Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I don't think I'm depressed.

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking I am, but not wanting to do anything about it because I am tired of taking drugs. But during a phone conversation about Thanksgiving I came to the realization that I am not depressed. I am royally pissed off.

I am pissed off at all the loss. Ours, Lyz's, B & K's, Sara's, Isn't it Pretty to Think So's, Travelher and Pufferfish, Beth's, my Aunt Bridget's and sooooo many others. If I didn't name you, it isn't because I have forgotten your pain, it's because my fingers are tired of typing. I'm getting angrier with each person's face that pop's into my mind which is making my fingers stiff and hard to move. It is horrible how much loss we have all had to endure.

Then there are the other people who have been denied even the loss. Not only in the blogs I read, but people close to my heart who I shouldn't name because that would be unfair to them to broadcast their infertility without their permission. Those that are trying again month after month with nothing to show but their broken heart.

I am enraged. I am enraged at the unfairness of it all. I am enraged that someone I know and love gave birth to two beautiful and wonderful children and treats them horribly. Treats herself like crap with drugs and alcohol and does not even care one ounce about the wonderful lives she has brought into this world. Okay, maybe she does care a little, but somehow I fail to see it.

I don't cry very often about it all anymore. I shake, my face turns red, and I start biting my lips. I peel the skin off of my lips way too often. But I don't know how to stop being angry.

The other night while watching the Emmy's I texted a friend complaining that every-freaking-one is pregnant and I am tired of looking at them all. Without even thinking that the friend I texted is pregnant. While I know that this friend shares my feelings, I came to the realization that I don't think about my anger before I spew it out to others. How selfish of me.

I need to get over the anger so that I can move on in the grieving process. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will never reach acceptance, but anger is not the proper place to be resting.

Thank you for being angry for me. Sometimes I think that I post about a loss, and people do the obligatory, "I'm sorry that sucks," and then move on. It makes me feel like I don't matter, but to know that you are angry for my losses and thinking about it means the world to me. And with that, I would like to give you permission to let go of a bit of your anger. The piece that you have for me. Because while I appreciate it, I know that it is not good for you and I would hate to think that you are suffering b/c of me.

Wanna talk to us?

Email me at heidimingo at gmail dot com

This blog started as a way to share my pregnancy with our friends and families. We've lost our precious Blueberry and Honeydew but refuse to quit. We have so much love to give a child, we will someday hold our baby. We believe in miracles...

About Me

I am a lover of all things tacky. I have a collection of way over 1,000 flamingos, because someone has to love them. I am a dork, and love it! I can hold a grudge like you wouldn't believe, but hate myself for it every minute. I love working in the tourist industry, but you will catch me complaining about the crazy ones, and there are lots of them out there. Most importantly, I am a mother. No, I can't show you pictures of my baby, but I am still a mother.