Wednesday, December 29, 2010

It's almost 7 a.m. I am sitting on my rocking chair, catching up on e-mail and watching my sweet girl sleep. It is one of those rare treats when I am the one up first without having to be frantically getting ready for work. I actually got up early so I could work on my contract work. Ask me how many questions I wrote this morning? That would be 0! But I have a lot of that order done. I will feel loads better when I put that order to bed and the second order as well. Don't get me wrong, I do love doing contract work because I always learn something new. I can be a procrastinator and wait until the last minute and stress majorly until I get it done in the nick of time. I used to say I did my best work under stress. I contribute that to silly youth! I hope Gracie doesn't get that from me. It's not one of my best traits.

It's official. We are going to meet up with Gracie's cribmate in Playa Del Carmen in February (the family lives in England). I asked mom if she would like to come and she's decided to come too. We made reservations and booked our flights. I cannot wait to smell the ocean breeze and sit on the beach and just unwind and relax. I am afraid I won't want to come back. I can't wait to see Leilani and her family. It's a small thing I can give to Gracie every year. After speaking to an older kiddo who also was adopted from China, I realized how important it was for Gracie to have this link. This young lady has yearly reunions with her China sisters. I think that's cool. So, some way, some how, I will make sure Gracie will see Leilani at least once a year. I hope we can see her other cribmate as well. She lives in Canada.

I can't believe that we are almost at the end of another year. I still can't believe how much Gracie has changed and grown. It feels like time has sped up and I'm just running to keep up (and man do I hate running). Things are going okay. I really do have a blessed life. God has been exceptionally generous to me. I hope that things will continue to blossom and bloom in the new year.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

We survived our second Christmas as a family. Gracie who went to bed last night at 10 p.m. was up at 6 a.m. and took only a 45 minute nap all day actually was decently behaved for being tired. She got the trike she wanted from Santa and I got a Kindle. This evening though she was in monster form hitting me, poking my eyes, and pulling my hair because she didn't want to go to sleep. I know she's exhausted when she is raging like that. She is also off her schedule which also makes her rages come on more frequently. Her school is off next week so we'll be home together. I am going to work hard on keeping a good schedule. I also need time to work on my contract work...I'm halfway done with the first order and th deadline is coming fast. I'm hoping my niece will come over and play with her while I work. I am working on finding a babysitter for like an hour or two once a week so we can get a break from each other besides work/school. It's been nice not going to a doctor's office in the past two weeks. Our copays start again in January (we met our copay deductible in June or July). We will probably meet our deducitible again this year because we should be having our second open heart surgery this summer. We also have 3 therapies every week. I'm not sure how long we will need to keep going. She really has made a lot of progress.

I hope everybody enjoyed their time with their loved ones. I did. I am very blessed to have a wonderful family. I also have great friends. I hope that all my friends who are still waiting to bring home their child from China will have great news this new year.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Today my baby girl turned 3 years old today. I couldn't help but think of her biological parents when I woke up this morning and watched my girl sleep. I am eternally grateful to them despite whatever circumstances led her to Fengxin. She is everything to me. She is getting taller and bigger. Her oxygen saturation levels have stabilized to about an average of 80. She is funny. She likes to make jokes and tease. Her speech is behind but she is talking a lot more than before. She likes to hop places because she is proud she can do it.
Anything Elmo or Yo Gabba Gabba reigns supreme. She made friends with Santa so she is excited that he is coming and she hopes he will bring her a bike. She has a short fuse, temper-wise and gets very feisty when she doesn't get her way. Her favorite color is purple and she loves to eat hot dogs (which is why we had a hot dog luncheon birthday party with the family). I am so thankful that she is in my life and is my daughter.

That being said, I haven't blogged much because a lot in my own personal world has been going on. I hesitate to even blog about it but I think that maybe if I do talk about it, I might help heal myself and others too. I started therapy. I realized I wasn't happy and was pretty depressed and overwhelmed with all the big changes in my life. I wasn't really dealing with it...I was sort of just burying it all and moving on so basically there were potholes all over and I finally got to the point where I couldn't escape falling into one. I want to say first and foremost that I do NOT regret my decision to bring Gracie home to be my daughter and that she is very safe being with me...I wasn't even close to the point of hurting either one of us. I was just not liking me. Grace really is the best part of me right now. I am working to put myself back together and not just live to be Gracie's mom but also to be me, Jamie. I am working on being honest about my feelings and not feeling guilty about it. Nobody ever blogs or writes about the tough stuff. It's always about the nice fluffy stuff. I guess we don't want air our dirty laundry or strip our souls bare so to speak. I totally get that. I just know if I keep pretending that everything is peachy keen, I won't be helping myself out. So, things are slowly getting better. I am taking it day by day. I know that with the grace of God, it will get better.