How to Make a Good Confession

The Right Confessor Is a Spiritual Blessing

By means of the sacrament of holy orders, Catholic priests have the faculties to hear confessions and grant reconciliation. When a priest hears confessions — or confers any sacrament, for that matter — he is acting as Christ’s representative. The Church refers to this as acting in persona Christi, or in the person of Christ (Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1548).

All priests should desire to carry out a holy ministry and to confer the sacraments in a way that leads others to Christ. However, sometimes the mix of personalities in the confessional makes it difficult for the one confessing to feel comfortable with the one hearing the confession and vice versa.

In that light, there are some basic rules of thumb that can help you to find the confessor who’s right for you.

"Be sure that your confessor honors Church teaching," said Dan Burke, executive director of the Register and founder of the Avila Institute for Spiritual Formation. "It’s important that he understands that he’s there to help you to be reconciled with the Church and enter into a deeper union with God. He needs to point you in the right direction so that you can honor God with your life."

Second, Burke said, find a priest who truly listens to you.

"Some priests operate on autopilot in the confessional," he said. "If their responses seem like standard answers rather than ones that really apply to your situation, you might want to interject and see if you can get beyond this issue or find another confessor."

Third, Burke said, rule out feelings and the word "like." If the priest only seems interested in placating your concerns or making you feel good about yourself rather than being honest and charitably yet truthfully leading you to greater spiritual growth, you may have the wrong fit.

"Confession isn’t about feeling good or about feeling bad or ashamed," he said. "It’s about receiving the grace and forgiveness of God and setting your course back on the narrow road."

On the other hand, Burke recommends that penitents reciprocate by being considerate of the priest hearing their confession.

"Be sensitive to the priest’s time," he said. "Make sure you’ve prepared a thorough examination of conscience beforehand and know exactly what you want to confess. Priests can become frustrated by a lack of clarity, and rightfully so."

Confessions, according to Burke, should be brief, lasting a few minutes. He warns against trying to soften the priest by rationalizing your sins and succumbing to vanity. Additionally, don’t use the confessional for spiritual direction. That’s not the place for it, he said.

Mary Blevins, a bank clerk from Bristol, Va., knew immediately that her new pastor was the right fit. She has been confessing regularly to him for a year.

"Father Kevin listens with his ears, mind, soul and heart," she said. "I know he is truly sincere in being in persona Christi in the confessional. He is straightforward and yet gentle. He tells me what I need to hear and gives good guidance. He never makes me feel rushed, and he’s compassionate, yet firm when need be."

No priest has taken the kind of time with Michelle Harris as her current confessor. Harris lives in Wichita, Kan., and was a lapsed Catholic when she read an article in the local Catholic paper about priests and social media. That prompted her to use social media to reach out to a priest she sensed could help her return to the Church, and he reached back.

"I suggest that those looking for a regular confessor pray and be open," she said. "Make an appointment, and be realistic about what you’re looking for. Be honest, which includes, ‘Father, there’s more … but I’m afraid.’ They’re shepherds in persona Christi."

Katie Choudhary is a fitness coach in Romeoville, Ill., who appreciates her confessor because he helps her see things clearly and gives certain ideas more thought, without being judgmental.

"He reminds me that God’s mercy is greater than any sin I could ever commit," she said. During confession, "he answered my questions. It wasn’t an in-and-out [confession], but a conversation that helped me with areas of my heart that were heavy with concern."

Sometimes, the right confessor isn’t one whose personality is in perfect harmony with yours, but, rather, the one with whom you’re paired through circumstances. That’s what happened to middle-school teacher Joy Esguerra of Madison, Wis. Esguerra believes that the ability to go to confession and be absolved of sin is more important than finding a priest who fits your "style."

"God actually knows best what I need," she said. "And he placed us both together so that I would learn to deal with people I take issue with. My priest is a very loving man who wants very much for his flock to get to heaven."

Esguerra also appreciates her confessor for his generosity with his time and his efforts to make confession readily available for anyone who needs it.

In choosing a confessor, the foremost aspect to keep in mind is the fundamental reason for confession: the forgiveness of sins. No difficulty, whether it’s discomfort with the priest or the cost in time or travel, should keep you from the sacrament.

"Never forsake the sacrament of reconciliation because you haven’t found a confessor who suits you," said Burke. "Understand the gravity of this. Don’t let the devil or yourself rob you of the powerful gift of confession."

As Pope Francis reminded the faithful on Feb. 19, "Be courageous, and go to confession. … It’s for healing: healing the soul, healing the heart."

Marge Fenelon writes from Cudahy, Wisconsin.

Dos and Don’ts of Finding a Confessor

Be objective. Choose a priest who can help you grow spiritually, not one who simply makes you feel good (or bad) about yourself.

Avoid priests who seem to downplay your sins or dull Church teaching.

Remember the three goals of the spiritual life: grace, union with God and forming your conscience.

Do all that you can to help the priest serve you.

Remember that priests are human, too, and prone to weakness, just as you are.

Choose a priest who follows the proper formula for the sacrament: hearing your confession, giving penance, requiring an Act of Contrition and giving absolution.

Pray, and ask God to guide you to the right confessor.

Be open and honest, with yourself and the priest.

Make a preliminary appointment so that you can get to know each other.

Pray for your confessor before you go to confession.

Always put your need for the sacrament before your preference of confessor.

Sorry, Dan, but I disagree a 100% and beyond that confession is not a place for “spiritual direction”. I also include under “spiritual direction” spiritual advice and confession is Definitely(!!) a place for that. I would feel very very very uncomfortable going to confession to a priest who only gives me absolution. I wouldn’t get anything out of it except one of the most important, God’s mercy. Could not resist putting my comment in. God forbid that a priest doesn’t give you any “spiritual direction” after you’ve made your confession.

Posted by Katrina on Monday, Mar 10, 2014 9:16 AM (EST):

Interesting, to me a confessional feels cozy and warm. Hmm.

Posted by Gwen on Monday, Mar 10, 2014 6:32 AM (EST):

Margaret - I have some advice for you and I think you will be happy with it. Contact your parish pastor and ask him if you can have a confession with him at a time that works for both and tell him how the confessional feels to you. My church has the confessions in two rooms off of our chapel where you walk in (in the lighted room) and can either sit facing father face-to-face, or kneel behind the screen. I sit behind the screen but my daughter-in-law prefers to sit face-to-face (she is a new Catholic as of 2013). I hope this helps and God Bless you!!

Posted by margaret Gould on Monday, Mar 10, 2014 4:01 AM (EST):

I was a convert at 18, now at 82, going to Confession is still something of a problem.
while the family were young ,I was a member of the Catholic Mothers Union, and tried to go every fortnight. Then for years it was 2 or 3 times a year, sometimes only once in Lent. part of the problem is being shut in a box! I hate being shut in a small space, sometimes a lift will panic me ,also the people outside, and now of course ,my memory.
So my Lenten resolution is to try and go every 2 weeks, any advice?

Posted by Rudy Spongelli on Sunday, Mar 9, 2014 11:12 PM (EST):

Too bad you can’t find online reviews of confessors. There are some bad ones out there.

Posted by nancy dunne on Sunday, Mar 9, 2014 3:47 PM (EST):

Richard,
Come back home to the Catholic Church; Lent is the perfect time! I am a cradle Catholic, went to a Protestant church in college, had a conversion experience in my early 30s, and love our Church. The devil wants very much for you to avoid Confession, so show him who’s boss, and go. I’ve found monthly Confession (weekly in Lent, if possible) to be necessary for my soul. Welcome back, in advance!

Posted by Katrina on Sunday, Mar 9, 2014 3:45 PM (EST):

I tried to answer that above, but noting the time stamp, perhaps you didn’t see it. Short answer, yes, it is valid.

Posted by anthonymixan on Sunday, Mar 9, 2014 3:37 PM (EST):

What the answer to Jessie’s question?

Posted by Katrina on Sunday, Mar 9, 2014 3:35 PM (EST):

Sometimes priests do begin to say the absolution while the penitent is saying the Act of Contrition. Personally, I wish they wouldn’t, but some do wait to say the “I absolve you” part until the penitent is finished.

I wondered why all the comments were from women also. I’ve noticed in print publications that most of the pictures of confession have a woman as penitent. One could get the impression that only women need the sacrament.

Richard, I’ve had the same experience and wandered in the desert for about 10 years. I finally went to confession at a conference. Even thought I couldn’t remember how, the priest very kindly helped me through it. I also found a small city parish that is faithful to Church teaching and has friendly people from all over—rich,poor,different nationalities. I pray you have a similar experience of coming home.

Posted by Mark on Sunday, Mar 9, 2014 2:54 PM (EST):

Richard, I’ve had a similar experience but as a cradle Catholic. I’m newly back as of the first Sunday of Lent last year. I can’t explain how much I’ve missed out on, but I know now how much I need the church and Jesus in my life. Please come home brother, we all miss you.

Posted by Jay Phillips on Sunday, Mar 9, 2014 2:39 PM (EST):

Good day Richard,
To the best of my layperson knowledge, you are always, as is everyone, welcome to the Mass. To experience the community of the fellow worshipers, to partake of the ambiance of the church, and be uplifted by the music and joining of voices, and to
As to receiving of the Eucharist at Mass;
There is a circumstance for you to resolve, in that having been away from attending Mass for sometime would have put you in state of mortal sin which would need to be resolved through Confession before you could receive our Lord’s Body and Blood.
When you have returned to a life of active worship I would suggest, as Carol has done already, look to the internet for the greatest access to Catholic doctrine, scriptures, apologetic s, etc. as has existed in the history of the Church.
Catholic Answers, the magazine and radio broadcast,are great resources to start with. From then on there is such a wealth of information as “..a mouse could wade into or an elephant to swim in.”
God bless you on your journey Home.

Posted by Carol on Sunday, Mar 9, 2014 1:31 PM (EST):

Richard, I believe if you go to confession that yes, you can return to Mass. If in question check with a local priest. I am sorry that no one contacted you after you stopped attending church. I too experienced that. I had gone to a parish for 18 yrs and due to some unorthodox preaching and teaching I left the parish and found another that is grounded in the churches teachings. No one ever contacted me either so I can relate to how you might be feeling. This is an area in my own parish I would like to address to reach out to those who stopped coming and find out how we may help them to find their way back. For myself, I found that reading and studying the faith really helped me to stay “plugged in”. I read the Lambs Supper by Scott Hahn, Life of Christ by Fulton Sheen and other, and I listen to Catholic Answers which helps me grow in my faith. I hope this helps. I will pray for you.

Posted by Gwen on Sunday, Mar 9, 2014 1:11 PM (EST):

Richard - you would ABSOLUTELY be welcome to go to confession at the Basilica or any other Catholic church for that matter. Tell the priest you’ve been away and he will be so kind and welcoming to you. I am sure that your current parish (where you last attended) just isn’t really aware that you are gone and assuming you are still attending there. Maybe call your pastor there and tell him how you are feeling?? God Bless you and welcome home. My husband is a “New” Catholic as of 2011!

Posted by Richard Logan on Sunday, Mar 9, 2014 12:57 PM (EST):

I’m a converted Catholic but somewhere I fell away from my Church about eight years ago. I wonder if I go and make a good Confession if it would be ok. to go to the Basilica of the National Shrine for my Sunday and daily Masses. There has been no one, in the past eight years at the Parish where I used to attend, that ever called to find out about why I don’t attend anymore. I have never completely lost my faith in the Church; I just strayed away. Any comments and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Richard.

Posted by Mike on Sunday, Mar 9, 2014 12:39 PM (EST):

Some perspectives from men’s points of view would be helpful. I wonder if men fear or distrust the Sacrament more than women do?

Posted by Gwen on Sunday, Mar 9, 2014 11:26 AM (EST):

Wonderful article! I’m trying to get there every month and at the same time, our church has Eucharistic Adoration, so we will stay for that as well.

Posted by JessieM on Sunday, Mar 9, 2014 10:09 AM (EST):

Is it still a valid confession if the priest doesn’t give you time to say your act of contrition before he gives the absolution?

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