Some Bridges You Just Can't Help But Burn

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Yesterday was a rough one. I had an enormous amount of stress leading up to the financial meeting with the mediator and Peter, and while it was a relief to have it mostly done (we still have a few things to address, but the big stuff was tackled yesterday), I had a good amount of stress afterward, as well.

Thank goodness, it was Peter's night with the kids, and he did me (and probably himself) a serious favor by coming to get them while the babysitter was still there so we didn't have to face each other again. I know he wasn't terribly happy with the way some of the financial divisions are shaping up, and I expected that. I even expected that it would stress me out to have to deal with his short fuse over it all (though I do have to say he kept it civil and simmering during the meeting).

What I didn't expect was how much this all still bothers me, when it really shouldn't. As one of my friends put it "He doesn't seem to be losing any sleep over cheating on you, ending his marriage, and moving away from his kids. And you're stressed because he's upset about money?"

She's right, of course. He can replace money. How do you replace a life? Not very easily, that's how. And it'll never be the same again.

That's not altogether a bad thing, I've come to realize. But it's still a sad thing in some ways. And a thing thats taken a lot of getting used to. It's still not entirely second nature to think of myself as a "me" and not a "we". And "we" don't like it when Peter is angry. "We" internalize it. "We" walk on eggshells. "We" sacrifice ourselves any way we can to make him not be.

The sad truth is, he's going to feel about me the way he's going to feel, and he'll justify it any way he wants to for himself. I have no control over that. I've never had control over that.

But I have control over me. The new "me" has really had to take the old "we" by the throat and remind us that we're on our own now, and with primary custody of two minor children - and one of them has special needs. It's time to burn that old bridge and hike up and over the hill beyond it.

So I'll let Jim Croce sing me out, and spend my weekend working on just being me.

Have a great weekend, everyone. And thanks again, so much for your support through this.