^ I think (obviously I might be wrong) what she finds gross is watching a fork (or spoon) go into her food then someone else's mouth. It doesn't matter that its a clean fork and only happening once, its the fact that in her mind its her food already and there it is going into someone else's mouth. And that thought is off putting. Its not so much the utensil its the idea of other people eating her food - its a perception issue. It ends up being like she's eating off their plate, or eating a 'used' food, not something fresh and hers. (I think that's it anyway because I understand that and kind of feel the same way although not quite so strongly.)

^ I think (obviously I might be wrong) what she finds gross is watching a fork (or spoon) go into her food then someone else's mouth. It doesn't matter that its a clean fork and only happening once, its the fact that in her mind its her food already and there it is going into someone else's mouth. And that thought is off putting. Its not so much the utensil its the idea of other people eating her food - its a perception issue. It ends up being like she's eating off their plate, or eating a 'used' food, not something fresh and hers. (I think that's it anyway because I understand that and kind of feel the same way although not quite so strongly.)

Moray, Snowdragon is right in that it doesn't matter *why* s/he doesn't care for a certain behaviour. Knowing that an action is unwelcome should be enough reason to cease & desist. Please don't nitpick.

And Snowdragon, it's enough of an explanation to say that you don't care for something because you don't care for it. There's no reason to get defensive.

I personally do NOT want other people sticking their forks into my food. Yuch. I don't think this is any more acceptable with a dessert than if they put their fork onto my plate and took a piece of my steak or potatoes. If you would want to share your dessert YOU would offer.

I can see that having someone else take a bite out of MY food would be....disturbing. Not "disgusting" - but there were times when my parents were between jobs when I was young, food was available in limited quantity, and it left me with a few quirks about "my share" - if there is plenty of extra food, I don't mind sharing (at least, not enough to mind a bite or two). If there is no more of the particular food (and at a restaurant, I'd have to PAY for an entire second portion even if I only wanted one or two more bites of it myself) - then sharing it has to be MY idea and I have to offer it.

If someone takes a bite or two on their own (with or without the encouragement of the wait staff) - then it causes me some tension and angst - due to childhood issues, maybe, but just because I've figured out WHY I dislike it doesn't mean that all of a sudden I no longer dislike the behavior.

Kind of like learning that you're allergic to XXX doesn't mean that you can take an allergy med and live with XXX. You're still allergic and you may not LIKE the way that an allergy med makes you feel any more than you like having an allergy attack - it's just a different way to feel WRONG. Sleepy instead of it being hard to breath & itchy......if you don't really enjoy feeling either sleepy or itchy.....

95% of the time when I go to dinner, it's just with my DH. If we get dessert, it's always to share. We occasionally go out with others, and on the rare occasion that we get dessert, unless it's the kind made for sharing, it's with the understanding that me and my husband are sharing it. In general unless the whole table is up for dessert, I don't feel comfortable ordering it.

Just the other day I went out to dinner with 4 friends. Two ordered fried ice cream, the rest of us each specficaly said "none for me" or "no thanks" to the waiter when theorder was placed. A minute or two later he put extra napkins and 5 spoons in the middle of the table. Then he came back with the two desserts.

For me, there's a few inherent differences to shared appetizers vs desserts. First off appetizers, at least the sharable kind, tend to be more finger food or easily divisable, whereas dessert is often utensil food. For me sharing utensil food has a much higher ick factor. But also with appetizers everyone is hungry, with dessert, some people have officialy declared their meal is over (by declining to order more food) while others have announced they are still hungry (by ordering dessert).

I imagine the waiter has gotten flagged down for utensils in similar situations from people who didn't order dessert, but just wanted a bite of their friend's dessert. If this happens several times, it just makes sense for the waiter to leave a few extra spoons 'just in case'. I certainly wouldn't dock a tip or expect a waiter to read everyone's mind. However, if I ordered dessert without specifying sharing and a waiter put a spoon by everyone's place and my dessert in the middle or made an announcement about the 'table's dessert', I would be a bit put off.

When I intend to share a dessert, I will let the waiter know when placing the order. I usually find that we get two forks and the dessert in the middle if DH and I order one dessert. The non-orderer usually takes a taste if we don't share and I imagine that it is pretty common with couples. Besides, I have no problem telling DH to back off of my dessert.

See, here's the thing tho' not everyone is married, and this practice is not limited to happening to only couples and for some of us that "taste' means I no longer can eat my dessert. Not the waiter's issue? Well I can say the same thing it's mot my issue that the waiter has been asked for extra forks umpteen times, it costs the waiter nothing to either ask if sharing is ok before summarily deciding that it will. By bringing it without asking, he's trying to telling me that my food is his to determine ownership - especially when I refuse and get waitstaff gets snarky over it. If it's not his job to read my mind that I don't want to share, then it's equally not his job to read my mind that I don't. And what my dining companion wants does not enter into the equation with my food. If they wanted dessert, or a taste - they can order their own.

Unless a waiter specifically announces that your should share the dessert, it seems like you are trying to read into something that is not there. I don't think a waiter is trying to tell you that you should share your dessert by bringing extra forks 'just in case', but simply saving himself the extra trips and the other diners the extra wait for the forks. If the waitstaff gets snarky over it or argues when you refuse the extra forks, then he overstepping his bounds and is rude. I do think it is better for the waiter to ask first if you want the extra forks then hand them out, but I still think it would be unreasonable to blame him for having them on hand or asking if the majority of diners opt for the extra forks in this situation.

Usually with DH, I'll ask if he wants to split a dessert or if he doesn't mind if I have a bite of his. When dining with a friend, we discuss splitting a dessert and I am perfectly OK with the friend wanting her own dessert (or saying I want one of my own). However, I can't imagine just taking dessert off of a friend's plate unless invited, even if there were extra forks at the table. If having dining companions dive into your dessert without being invited is a regular experience with (general) you, it sounds as if your dining companions and their lack of boundaries may be the problem.

Unless a waiter specifically announces that your should share the dessert, it seems like you are trying to read into something that is not there. I don't think a waiter is trying to tell you that you should share your dessert by bringing extra forks 'just in case', but simply saving himself the extra trips and the other diners the extra wait for the forks. If the waitstaff gets snarky over it or argues when you refuse the extra forks, then he overstepping his bounds and is rude. I do think it is better for the waiter to ask first if you want the extra forks then hand them out, but I still think it would be unreasonable to blame him for having them on hand or asking if the majority of diners opt for the extra forks in this situation.

But in doing so, he is saddling ME with the extra (and even more uncomfortable) chore of having to tell other people, "No, I don't want to share my dessert."

Believe me, if I want to share, I ask for extra forks at the time I order my dessert.

And extra trips are his JOB. If I change my mind and he has to get extra forks, his tip goes up.

Unless a waiter specifically announces that your should share the dessert, it seems like you are trying to read into something that is not there. I don't think a waiter is trying to tell you that you should share your dessert by bringing extra forks 'just in case', but simply saving himself the extra trips and the other diners the extra wait for the forks. If the waitstaff gets snarky over it or argues when you refuse the extra forks, then he overstepping his bounds and is rude. I do think it is better for the waiter to ask first if you want the extra forks then hand them out, but I still think it would be unreasonable to blame him for having them on hand or asking if the majority of diners opt for the extra forks in this situation.

But in doing so, he is saddling ME with the extra (and even more uncomfortable) chore of having to tell other people, "No, I don't want to share my dessert."

Believe me, if I want to share, I ask for extra forks at the time I order my dessert.

And extra trips are his JOB. If I change my mind and he has to get extra forks, his tip goes up.

And if he saddles me with the extra forks and their implied message of sharing my food his tip goes dramatically down.

Unless a waiter specifically announces that your should share the dessert, it seems like you are trying to read into something that is not there. I don't think a waiter is trying to tell you that you should share your dessert by bringing extra forks 'just in case', but simply saving himself the extra trips and the other diners the extra wait for the forks. If the waitstaff gets snarky over it or argues when you refuse the extra forks, then he overstepping his bounds and is rude. I do think it is better for the waiter to ask first if you want the extra forks then hand them out, but I still think it would be unreasonable to blame him for having them on hand or asking if the majority of diners opt for the extra forks in this situation.

But in doing so, he is saddling ME with the extra (and even more uncomfortable) chore of having to tell other people, "No, I don't want to share my dessert."

Believe me, if I want to share, I ask for extra forks at the time I order my dessert.

And extra trips are his JOB. If I change my mind and he has to get extra forks, his tip goes up.

And if he saddles me with the extra forks and their implied message of sharing my food his tip goes dramatically down.

I really have to agree with this. By leaving the extra forks, the waiter is implying that you will be sharing your dessert. And if you choose not to? Then it's out there that you SHOULD have, or at least, COULD have, and now you're selfish. It's all unspoken and maybe it's irrational, but there it is.

If I want to share my dessert, I will ask the waiter to bring extra forks or spoons. If I don't ask for them and the waiter brings them anyway, he/she is going to get a raised eyebrow and I will probably lower my tip.

I just don't place that much importance on a waiter's actions. And I certainly wouldn't consider myself, or any dining companions selfish for not sharing a dessert just because the waiter put some spoons on the table.