My sister has always been a shopaholic, but since she retired a few years ago it has got out of control. She buys stuff, then buys more and she hoards. Her house is chaotic and there is only one room that can be lived in normally.

It is having a hugely detrimental effect on her relationship with her husband. He is a neat and tidy person and is becoming more and more stressed. They quarrel and the atmosphere in the house is dreadful all the time. Can you help?

It is estimated that seven million Britons are shopaholics. This compulsive need to shop can destroy a marriage. It is an addiction and underneath there are often deeper psychological problems, such as depression, bipolar disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, a disturbed childhood, the need to fill an inner void or to escape from negative feelings.

Living in such chaos is understandably extremely difficult for her husband. The excitement of shopping or impulse buying can give an adrenalin rush that is exciting but, of course, it’s only temporary.

Then the worry and often guilt set in, but soon the need for another high takes over. Shopping becomes the self-medication to escape other problems. Many shopaholics run up large debts, which they often try to keep secret from their partners and families.

As with all addictions the first step to recovery is the desire to change. Her husband could sit down and discuss all of this with your sister, and perhaps you could be there as well. He or you could tell her that you are worried and would like her to seek help, and that you will both be there for her.

Suggest that one of you goes with her to see her GP for a referral to either a psychiatrist or psychologist or that she goes to an addiction clinic or private psychiatric hospital for advice on how to overcome her impulse to shop.

How can I get her to forgive me?

I was flattered when a neighbour kept flirting with me. We became friends, despite my wife’s annoyance, and the inevitable happened. My wife threw me out and I started a relationship with this woman only to discover that she flirts with anything in trousers.

We do nothing but row because she is still giving every guy in the street the eye. I’ve told my wife that I have made a huge mistake and I want to come home. She says that she warned me about this other woman but I was too stupid to listen and that I’ve humiliated her and got what I deserved.

All our friends have rallied round her and think I am an idiot. I feel my life is over because my ego was bigger than my common sense. My wife says, ‘You’ve made your bed and you can rot in it.’ Please help me get my wife back.

I am sorry but I’m not sure that I can. It sounds quite early days and your wife is still incredibly hurt and angry. She needs, over time, to let go of her anger, which can be self-destructive.

Tell her that you totally understand how she feels and that you have never regretted anything as much as your disregard for her feelings and your involvement with this woman. Ask her if she would just try to see if she can ever forgive you and put this behind you.

Explain that you know it is far too soon for you to return home and that she needs to be able to keep her options open. Suggest that over the next six months you could meet up once a week to talk, perhaps to do things together that you both enjoy outside the home.

Have counselling with Relate (relate.org.uk) to see if you can get back together or, if this is not possible, to help you accept that the marriage is over. If she refuses then I fear that it will be the latter.

He watches porn when he's alone

Recently I used my partner’s laptop and came across adult films that disgusted me so much I can hardly bear him touching me. The thought of him looking at perfect naked bodies having sex turns my stomach.

He has said he is sorry and promised never to look at these sites again as he can see how hurt I am. We both love each other and he wants to move in with me, and when he is good he is wonderful.

He says we have a perfect sex life and he only watches this stuff when he is alone in his flat. I want to believe him but I don’t know whether I can ever trust him again.

Research studies have shown that 68 per cent of young adult males look at porn and I know from the letters I receive that many older men do, too. Many men use porn even when they have a good and satisfying sex life and some couples watch porn together to spice up their relationship.

However, the majority of women are very upset if they discover their partner has been secretly watching porn. They think – usually incorrectly – that the man is comparing them to the women on screen.

These porn stars are all digitally enhanced, but it can make a woman feel unhappy with her own figure, withdraw from her partner or think about ending the relationship. As you love each other and he is lovely in other ways, you could give him another chance – on the understanding that if he ever watches porn again then the relationship is over.

Contact Zelda

If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email z.west-meads@you.co.uk Zelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally