Vile Valencia and naked Mrs Clemente

It was to stunned gasps when Agustin Morera finally spoke at Monday afternoon's emergency meeting at the Mestalla.

"Gentlemen, we need to take a long hard look at ourselves," began the club president. "It's time to take responsibility for our actions. We have turned a title-chasing club into one fighting for survival. We have wasted millions; isolated our key players; sacked managers in haste. We have turned a once great club into a laughing stock," said Morera, looking gravely at each of the men gathered in the room. "It's time for all of us to do the honourable thing and step down."

Did he my Aunt Fanny. As usual, the Valencia board did the most despicable, self-serving and cowardly thing and fired Ronald Koeman and his entire backroom team on Monday evening. In a meeting lasting twelve hours - the lap dancers must have been good - Morera and his three stooges decided to dispose of the services of their Dutch coach after a run of just 18 points from 22 games. And a Copa del Rey victory.

Ronald Koeman (knife between shoulders not pictured)

The one man missing from the marathon meeting was runt of the Soler family litter. Juan Bautista is presumably one vol-au-vent away from a Mr Creosote explosion, and thus unable to attend, but it was surely his slimy flipper behind the latest piece of Mestalla mayhem. The chump in charge until the end of the season is former player and current club delegate, Salvador 'Voro' Gonzalez.

Ronald Koeman is probably delighted to be away from the Valencia viper's nest. And quite possibly nine million euros richer, although the club are reportedly looking at ways to persuade their former employee to write off that sum. Good luck with that.

It was without a hint of a snigger that Koeman said on Saturday that he expected to remain in charge until the end of the season. "I received a call from sporting vice-president Rafael Salom, and I have to believe him," revealed the Dutch coach. "If not, I would be working with people with no honour." Quite.

Another footballing loon off the leash in La Liga is Javier Clemente. Having had an entertaining player-oriented rant published in the papers last week, the Murcia manager has turned on the press for daring to report his antics. "I invited you into my house for a coffee and you take photos of my wife without her clothes on," moaned the clown-like Clemente, providing a unwanted mental image that will remain for some time.

Javier Clemente: regretting saying "Mi casa, su casa" to journos

On Monday, Atletico Madrid president Enrique Cerezo found himself behind bars - somewhere he nearly ended up a few years back after being handed a one-year jail sentence for corruption. But this time round he was in a prison for law-breaking ladies, watching Atletico's women's team take on an incarcerated 11. And, of course, to emphasise his empathy with the antagonised Atleti support. "I understand the fans weren't happy against Betis," soothed the rojiblanco ruler, whilst waving at some former business associates. Possibly.

Marca and AS are making up stories about either Unai Emery or Quique Sanchez Flores taking the rojiblanco reins over the summer, although Atletico ill have to find a way around the thorny issue of Javier Aguirre's contract renewing automaticallyshould he manage a top-six finish.

Osasuna have slipped a couple of notches in La Liga Loca's normally high estimations by having a bit of a whine at the man in the middle. "We are not a moaning team and we don't want to offer up excuses," said Cesar Cruchaga, "but...", continued the club captain, before having a moan and offering up excuses.

Meanwhile, Levante's bosses are on the hunt for a cool six million euros - the sum needed to prevent the club's players going on strike over the weekend, throwing the Primera into renewed chaos. And the charmers at Betis are going to court to try to have the remaining 21 minutes of their match against Athletic Bilbao replayed, not content with already having enough points to stay up and having had their ground-closing punishment apparently sent to appeal purgatory.

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