The Week That Will Be. On the newsstand.

Redbook Explores The Mythology Of Divorce `Reform'

October 31, 1993|By Morgan Powell. Special to the Tribune.

Marriages have a 50-50 survival rate, but the odds for women coming out ahead in divorce may not be as good, according to a study cited in a story in the November issue of Redbook, "The Husband Who Wouldn't Move Out-And Other Realities of Divorce in the Nineties."

After divorce, the average woman with children experiences a 73 percent decline in her standard of living, while the average man experiences a 43 percent increase.

Further, the story states that despite a revolution in divorce law since the 1970s, many of the worst problems, such as fights over money, child custody and alleged child abuse, remain and now are coupled with increases in the numbers of murders of both spouses and divorce attorneys.

Redbook explores several myths of the divorce process.

Myth: Divorce reform has given women a fair shake. Fact: Despite some gains, women get a raw deal financially.

Myth: If you can prove a spouse is unfaithful, you'll get a better settlement. Fact: Proving an extramarital affair has little or no impact on divorce these days.

Myth: Joint custody is great for everyone. Fact: Joint custody is grueling for children and parents.

Myth: Once you decide to divorce, one spouse must leave. Fact: Once a divorce is in process, a spouse usually can-unless there is evidence of physical violence or danger-and often does stay under the same roof until the divorce is final, usually to the chagrin of the other spouse. The story even cites one grimly humorous example of a New York husband who not only stayed but also slept in the same bed and snapped his fingers all night to keep his soon-to-be-ex awake.

November Mademoiselle features the first-person account of Margaret Kelly Michaels, who in 1985 at age 23 was accused of sexually abusing a child in her care in a New Jersey day-care center. Three years later, after a much publicized nine-month trial, Michaels was convicted on 115 counts of sexual abuse and sentenced to 47 years in prison. After serving five years, her conviction was overturned by an appeals court, which issued an 84-page opinion excoriating the methods the prosecution used to obtain the conviction.

Michaels' problems are not over; the prosecutor is retrying the case. Michaels and others who have taken up her cause charge that dropping the case would mean admitting to misleading parents, brainwashing children and sending an innocent woman to prison.

"Unfortunately, under the law, pro-choice means women's choice," says an angry man quoted in a November Glamour story raising the question of men's rights in the abortion issue.

Three years after the Roe vs. Wade abortion decision, a lesser-known Supreme Court ruling (Planned Parenthood vs. Danforth) struck down a requirement of spousal consent; and a more recent Supreme Court decision (Planned Parenthood vs. Casey) held that a spousal-notification rule is unconstitutional.

Nine men tell their stories. Among them: one who tries to block a girlfriend's abortion; another who tries to force an abortion and ends up paying support for a child with whom he is denied visitation; a pro-life activist who mourns the loss of a child he says could have been adopted.

This story cites statistics that claim there are 3.6 million unplanned pregnancies in America each year. Of those, 1.6 million end in abortion, which is under law solely the decision of the woman.

The article poses thought-provoking questions from men's point of view. Men are left with little choice but to go along with women's decisions.

The winter issue of Mothering interviews gay and lesbian teenagers and their parents about the dilemmas facing young homosexuals, who must add confusion, physical and verbal abuse and peer and parental ostracism to growing up.

The teens tell of rejection by their families and friends. The parents speak of shame and fear for their families' reputations, and the future of their children in a society not yet fully accepting homosexuality.

Tragedies abound in the story, the most appalling being accounts of suicides of teens who were rejected by family and friends and unable to cope with living out of the mainstream.

The story emphasizes a study in Pediatrics magazine that says 30 percent of gay teens have attempted suicide by age 15, with half of that group trying more than once. In addition, the story reports, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services cites suicide as the leading cause of death in young people who are gay, lesbian or bisexual; the department concludes that "gay youth may comprise up to 30 percent of youth suicides annually."

"It's a big problem," says a high school counselor. "We're losing too many of them to alcohol, drugs and suicide. Adolescence is a time of soul-searching, and homosexual young people are having an awful time coping. That's absolutely unacceptable."

Mercifully, the article includes guidelines culled from the parents' and teens' experiences, plus a list of books, videos and support networks for young homosexuals and their families.