This is about an unexpected journey through fertility struggles and miscarriage loss, and now motherhood... If you are on this journey too or know someone who is, I hope you find some comfort or familiarity here.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Monday, August 06, 2012

If I'm being honest with you, I think a lot about whether we can have a second child.

Then I also sort of freak out about whether I could handle that and whether I would be a terrible mom with two. Cos' one already takes a lot of work for me.

And then my thoughts flip back to whether I have that option. I may not have that choice of having a second, not at this point at least. I don't know. I don't have my cycle back yet.

So. What I'm really worried about is whether I will get my cycle back and whether I can get pregnant again or do we seek treatment? And when?

And also another thing that I'm really thinking about is whether to re-start the adoption process again... or do we wait. Or do we concentrate on getting pregnant? For me adoption leads to so many more questions. The process, the wait, the no guarantees, etc. A bottomless pit of maybe/if/hope/who knows.

And then I make myself think weigh up all the reasons why we want to adopt blahblahblah and it just does my head in.

And what I'm really thinking is whether Toby will have a sibling because that'd be really fab. But I know it'd be a whole new level of awesome/miracle/howdowegetthere.

And then suddenly I'm like, maybe this will happen! Maybe it will just happen like with Toby! But I don't want to take that for granted either. Though I probably already have at times.

And then I flick back to me being in my current reality- I'm trying my best to enjoy our life right now cos' it is pretty awesome too... so I think of all the things I'm enjoying and looking forward to. And because with a one-year-old you still can't think ahead too far... a week ahead is plenty for me to deal with.

And then I think about marriage, cos' then I wonder how much more hard marriage would be if we had another and whether it is all about dealing with that. I mean it is not like we are doing badly but having a baby has definitely impacted it.

And then finally after my web of thoughts explode, I tell God, "You gotta do this. I have no idea. No control. Any of these paths are pretty much only available if You have them work... Please please help me leave them with you."

And then I do it all again the next day or so.

(I know I'm not supposed to start sentences with 'and', let alone so many of them. Grammar police please ignore.)

These past few days, Toby has started walking. Oh me oh my! It has been really brilliant seeing him take one step. Then two steps the next day. Then a couple more the next.

I don't know when you classify a child as 'walking' but I'm quite sure he has started. And so he is thirteen months. Thought I should write it down somewhere- here is a good place!

We had a great time away in Canada and the US. We were in three cities and stayed in four houses over about 3+ weeks. Toby was a trooper and survived it all. We did get sick at one point and that was a big bummer but you can't prepare or prevent that so we just had to roll with it.

He got to celebrate his birthday three times! The first was pre-birthday, with extended Canadian family and sort of also a great reason for a get-together. The second was on his actual birthday just with the husband's immediate family, which was a small celebration, special and cosy. The third was post-birthday and post-trip, here in NZ, where we did more of a 'party' with little kids- invited some friends and family.

I know he will remember none of it but it was awesome getting to celebrate and know how loved we are and he is.

I have sooooo many photos to organise. Here are a few of the various 'cakes' we got to have!

Thank you grandma for this cake #1!

Healthy muffins with a creamy frosting for cake #2...

And thank you our awesome friend Ch for teaching me how to ice this sock monkey cake. woopwoop!

Toby is starting to say some words too like:

- Dad

- Ball

- Spoon

- Stick

- Bath

- Door

Some sound the same though...

He can also do a couple hand-signs like 'please' and 'more' and 'all done' if you convince him to do it... haha.

It has been fascinating to see him learn and watch his brain 'click' when you tell him stuff. It has also been hard knowing what to do about bad behaviour, etc. I do get a bit concious that I'm saying NO a lot!

He's pretty chatty and becoming very busy. He isn't too much of a speed demon though, which is nice as it gives me time to get to him if something needs diversion. He takes a while to warm up in new places and with new people, but he seems quite chilled overall. We'll see what he continues to grow up to be like.

It is hard to get a good photo of him these days! Here's one with a semi-smile.

I'm wondering a lot about how you pass on your faith to your child, I mean how to live and everyday life that includes communicating your walk with Jesus Christ. I'm sure it comes out of your own... which maybe says something about me because I'm struggling to know how to do this in parenting terms. Do I make sense? Anyway. Maybe a good topic for another post.

As usual, so many thoughts to convey, so few brain cells left working. Are you watching the Olympics? I'm going to go do that for a little bit right now!

Hello!

This blog started as a 'friend' for those going through infertility and miscarriage- and an outlet for me too. We have since been blessed with a pregnancy that went to full-term- a son! Now, I blog about all of the above, but in random spurts. Keep wishing I was better at this, but this is where I'm at...

Group!

Together with my church, we've started a small prayer network/group for those dealing with infertility and/or pregnancy loss... The desire is that it can be a way to connect with others on a similar path, and offer an encouraging and safe place to express your joy and pain in the process. We're on the North Shore of Auckland, but we're open to connecting with others too. If you or someone you know may be interested please do let me know! (Leave a comment somewhere about it or send an email to write.sas@gmail.com)