I Could Never Be Your Woman

I Culd Never Be Your Woman is a 2007 film starring Michelle Pfeiffer, Saoirse Ronan, Paul Rudd and Tracey Ullman. It is about a 40-year old divorced mother, Rosie (Pfeiffer) who falls in love with a much younger man (Rudd), while providing motherly advice for her growing teenage daughter, Izzy (Ronan), all the while fighting her insecurity over her age, egged on by Mother Nature (Ullman)

Rosie: [coming to an abrupt stop] What!? You're 29? What happened to 30? You're not even in your thirties?

Adam: [confused] What happened to 29?

Rosie: You're not even in your 30s!

Adam: Yeah? Well, neither are you.

[Izzy has decided to throw out all of her old Barbie dolls]

Izzy: [indicating a pile of dolls] Now these stay on the shelf... And these go to Good Will.

Rosie: [realising a problem] Oh no. They're all skinny and naked, and laying in a pile! We have to dress them.

Izzy: Ma, I'm to old for Barbies.

Rosie: Yeah, but I'm not.

[Rosie is having an argument with a censor over the content of her show]

Rosie: [reading a dictionary] "Putz: Noun - a yokel; a jerk."

Censor: My rabbi consultant says it means "Penis."

Rosie: We're allowed to say "Penis."

Censor: Yes, you can say "Penis." But this is the bad penis. Like "prick."

Rosie: And... what exactly is the "good" penis?

Adam: [starts to take unbutton his pants] Check it out.

[Rosie is sitting next to a producer and a TV executive, waiting for a meeting. The two are discussing actresses they'd like to date]

TV executive: Courtney Love?

Producer: Drugged-out hag.

TV executive: Faye Dunaway?

Producer: Don't call us, we'll call you.

TV executive: Sharon Stone?

Producer: Hag.

TV executive: Geena Davis?

Producer: Hag.

TV executive: Sigourney Weaver?

Producer: Hag.

TV executive: Kim Basinger?

Producer: Hag.

TV executive: Emma Thompson?

Producer: Brit hag.

TV executive: Susan Sarandon?

Producer: Red state-alienating hag.

TV executive: Meg Ryan?

Producer: Too much plastic surgery.

TV executive: Melanie Griffith?

Producer: Way too much plastic surgery.

TV executive: Patricia Heaton?

Producer: Pointless plastic surgery.

TV executive: Cher?

Producer: Insurmountable amount of plastic surgery.

[Rosie loses her temper, wheels around and grabs the producer by the chin, turning him to face her]

Rosie: [angrily] Listen, you little bird of a man! Where do you come off insulting these women? How many hit songs did you sing? How many Oscars do you have? Could you look cute next to Warren Beatty? Or live with Don Johnson? Or act with Ted Danson? You're not worthy of kissing Cher's tattooed ass!