Stupid, Bigoted, and Ignorant Comments on Satirical Works #1

One of the fun things about being a satirist is the comments on your pieces. I thought I’d share with you all some of my favorites from time to time, and this our first installment.
A couple weeks ago I wrote a piece about Chick-Fil-A offering to move its headquarters and build 10,000 (LOL) stores in North Carolina as a way to offset all the boycotting and leaving of the state that other companies had done.

You can imagine there were some really fun comments, but these two, back to back, really made me chuckle.

I’m not exactly sure what Ichabod thought was hate speech in my satirical work, but I wish he had told me. I also wanted to give him a gold star for unabashedly and unironically using the word “libtard” because I like to reward people who live up to stereotypes. I do want to know how he knew that it was Obama’s fault that all we libtards can’t figure out which bathroom to use, but I’m afraid to ask him because as a conservative he’s clearly already a little too obsessed with the subject of where we’re all pissing and shitting.

I wanted to highlight Ray’s because it’s a pluperfect example of how conservatives just fundamentally misunderstand why it is that modern liberals push certain issues. Firstly, there is literally nothing about my piece that indicated all conservatives are “backward hayseed hicks.” What I did imply was that people who in 2016 are genuinely fretting over a transgender person shitting next to them are backward, hayseed hicks. Because they are. There is no increase in sexual assaults if you give transgender people access to the bathroom they feel comfortable doing. If you can find evidence to the contrary, send it my way.

The Chick-Fil-A piece really brought the derp out of the woodwork (derpwork?), too. Here’s a nice comment from a Mr. Walker, where apparently he thinks, despite there being a dearth of evidence to back his claims up (shockingly), that transgender people are “freaks” who like “whipping out their penis in front of ten year old girls.” But what about trans women who have transitioned, I wonder what Mr. Walker thinks they whip out and wave around? It just goes to show that once again paranoid conservatives mock and show disdain for a subject they truly don’t understand. The push back against these so-called bathroom laws is simply meant to protect the same right to privacy for transgender people that cisgender people, and that’s literally it.

Oh, but then we have this gem. Gil gets that it’s a privacy issue, but somehow thinks letting people choose the bathroom they are most comfortable in will somehow invade someone else’s privacy. But it seems to me, and maybe I’m crazy here, that the real invasion of privacy is codifying genital checks into law and making trans people feel completely violated when all they want to do is take a dump, but hey, that’s just me, right?

Then we have Mr. Sprinkle here — and what possibly better name for a comment on a story ostensibly about pissing than Sprinkle — who thinks my satirical work is part of the vast LGBT conspiracy to ruin America. Because as we all know, there is nothing more dangerous for a country supposedly built on freedom and liberty than giving people the freedom and liberty to piss and shit where they want to, right?

And finally, I just wanted to show you Greg’s comment. Not just because ol’ Greggy-poo was duped into believing the story was true, though as a satirist that is quite the feather in my cap. But rather, it’s important to note that he thinks it’s true, and he is totally fine with their satirical reasoning, and is quite pleased that a company would express support for outright discrimination based on nothing but paranoia and a misguided notion of what “normal” is and an even more misguided notion that we should get to legislate normality when there is no victim of any crime involved whatsoever.

We should both feel sorry for Greg that he couldn’t tell my blatant satire from reality, but we should also be very mindful that millions more Gregs exist, and that they’d be all to happy to have more open discrimination toward the LGBT+ community, not less. The whole reason social media is so powerful is that we can see these open displays of bigotry and call them out for it. And that’ll do it for this installment of Stupid, Bigoted, and Ignorant Comments on Satirical Works.