It’s like the worst horror story you can imagine: the sort of modelling nightmare your parents envision when you’re scouted. It was announced that a British model was forcefully injected with ketamine, handcuffed, transported in […]

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How to Date a Model: Ask An Expert! (My Boyfriend)

This is one of my favourite columns, published for the (sadly now defunct) Topman Magazine.

Luckily I kept the copy because I’d hate to lose this interview! Enjoy…

Hello! So I was thinking – so far, you’ve got a lot of advice from me about how to date a model – what we models want in a man, what we hate and how to keep our attention. But what about learning from One Who Already Dates a Model? How did he manage that? What’s his opinion on dating a lady from the constantly baffling world of fashion – in fact – is a Model Girlfriend even that great?

Enter my boyfriend of two years, Theo, to whom I have made many allusions in previous columns.

We met on the Underground (Bakerloo Line, seeing as you asked – keep your eyes peeled on public transport as that’s where we models live most of our lives, flitting between castings). It was all very Sliding Doors – he ran back on to get my number as the train doors were closing. Somewhere, in a parallel universe, Gwyneth Paltrow is showing Theo her new pixie cut. I quizzed him on what it’s like to date a model, hoping to glean some further insights and tips for you – including delving the murky depths of whether it’s even something to aspire to. So, dear reader, I hope you appreciate my commitment to the cause, risking a barney with my boy to help you date a model!

PS – Theo is an architect, and had spent a long day at the office. He was therefore rather tired when I sent this barrage of insightful questions his way, encouraging him with girlish, gentle nudges (kicks in the head). It was also conducted whilst reclining in bed, Paula Yates style, when I know he had been anticipating a far more exciting activity. Yeah, that’s right – watching GAME OF THRONES!!

R: Hello Schnookums. What went through your mind when we first met and I said I’m a model?

T: I thought “Awesome.” And I thought I couldn’t waste this opportunity. You’re paid to be hot, so you’re officially hot.

R: *Blushes photogenically* Why did you think it was a great opportunity – why is dating a model seen as something to aspire to?

T: Well, I thought that hanging out with you meant I could hang out with loads of models all the time, quaffing champagne and setting all my friends up with models, too. There’s a difference between dating and having a girlfriend though – if it’s a girlfriend she could do any job, as it’s the person you love, not the career. But, if we’re talking about just casual dating, then it’s a box you can tick in your mind – model/teacher/gymnast/milkmaid…

R: Good luck finding a milkmaid in Kilburn. So what did all your friends say when you told them you were dating a model?

T: Cool! Is she hot? What does she model?

R: And ex-girlfriends? Did they get jealous?

T: Rebecca I am not answering that.

R: Oh go on…

T: No. (R – Something to learn from Theo here – always be the gentleman. Disappointed as I was not to get some gossip, I couldn’t help but feel a grudging respect!)

R: What about your fancy intellectual architecture folk? I imagine them being a bit snooty about models…

T: I don’t think they really sneer at it, but they do try to gauge whether you’re a proper model, or whether you just take a lot of photos of yourself. Sometimes I feel like I have to add in that you have a degree, as it changes their opinion.

R: Well, I’m glad it turns out that my Sociology degree did have a purpose, after all. So what are the perks of dating a model?

T: Instant cool with easily impressed 14 year olds. You get lots of freebies from shoots for me – especially great when it’s a job for an alcohol company – and I quite like it when you put all those moisturisers on me. There’s loads of free food and booze at model parties, and I can pretend I’m a high roller, surrounded by all these beautiful girls. I might get a Captain’s hat and learn the word for ‘yacht’ in Russian one day. Oh – and going to dinner with 10 models means 10 dinners for me! Because you try and pretend you don’t eat so much in front of them, so I get to eat your food for once!

R: What are the downsides of dating a model?

T: When you make me go to bed early because you have a shoot the next day. When you make carb-free dinners. And your job is very unpredictable – you are either really frenziedly busy, running around and working non-stop, or it gets very quiet. Oh, and I feel I have to death stare men when they perv on you, which can get annoying.

R: Are you ever threatened by the fact that I am constantly surrounded by incredibly handsome male models, with their cut-glass cheekbones and their partially clothed, ripped bodies?

T: No.

R: Do you think it might be hard for other guys to deal with if they dated a model?

T: I don’t think so…The male models I’ve met seemed a bit dumb and talked too much about ‘not eating carbs after 6.‘ I know you couldn’t fancy that in a man.

R: It’s true! So, let’s get some concrete advice for our Topman readers. From your experience of two glorious years with me, and all the models I’ve introduced you, how should one get a model’s attention?

T: Smile. Be genuine, as models have a pretty sharp bullshit-o-meter. They can see through it if you’re trying to play a game, as their job is mainly pretence and artifice. And don’t worry about trying to come across as rich – when they’re out, models seem to be surrounded by wealthy guys all the time, flashing the cash on 10k bottles of champagne, so you’d get found out pretty fast. Plus being loaded doesn’t seem to impress you all, as you’re so used to seeing it. If you want to impress a model, I think you’ll stand out more if you’re funny and stimulating company, and you ask her questions about herself, rather than pretending to own a yacht.

R: And how would you entertain a model, if you don’t have 10k to splash on the champers?

T: Cook for her! A seduction supper beats a bottle of champagne in a club, and it’s good to show you’ve made an effort. Make the meal fairly light, in case she has a big casting coming up, but follow it up with a chocolate pudding. It worked with you!

R: Well I also thought you had a yacht…joking! So Theo, do you think it’s achievable for my Topman readers out there to date a model?

T: Of course! Just be genuine.

And there we have it. Theo has hit the nail on the head, backing up what I’ve been saying all along: a genuine chap who’s fun, considerate and has integrity is far more important in a guy to us models than whether he looks like an Adonis, or owns several islands. Models will see through an act, and won’t be impressed if you’ve put one on. A modelizer taking us to a shiny, faceless member’s club vs a fun day trip to the zoo and a home-cooked supper? Easy! A smile and a chocolate pot will always win, hands down.