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Given the gentle, sympathetic way in which he approaches his fellow humans, it might come as a surprise to learn that Donald Trump isn’t very keen on animals. But alas, it’s true.

After all, Trump is the first president in almost 150 years to live in the White House without a pet. There’s other evidence, too, such as the fact that his sons, Eric and Donald Jr, have frequently pose with animals they’ve slain in Africa.

Or there’s fact that Trump has also used the phrase “like a dog” 17 times on Twitter in the past two years, applying the simile to everything from Kristen Stewart cheating on Robert Pattinson (“like a dog”), to Mitt Romney choking (“like a dog”) to the US dropping Hosni Mubarak (“like a dog”). None of the 17 suggests he fully understands what a dog is.

And then, perhaps above all, there’s this video:

With all that taken into account, imagine our excitement today, as we wait for Trump to fulfil the symbolic, presidential tradition of pardoning The National Thanksgiving Turkey at the White House.

Now in its 70th year (although until George Bush Snr, the president normally just received the bird, said thanks, then ate it a few hours later), the ceremony is one that gave Trump’s predecessors a chance to show a lighter side. In previous years, the turkey would be comically massive and alarmed, while the president would be jovial and charming. George W Bush stroked his feathered friend with glee; Obama brought his daughters with him, then made dad jokes.

It was lovely, and the kind of occasion no conventional leader could ever wildly misjudge the tone of, or use to make an alternative point, or make all about them, or cause an international crisis at. Donald Trump is no conventional leader, though.

So how exactly might he utterly screw up the turkey pardoning, and how might he explain it afterwards? Let’s consider the options:

Accuse the turkey of not being grateful enough

This is the most obvious – and perhaps most likely – way things will go. Trump has used his power to give Americans in trouble a reprieve before, most recently in the case of three UCLA basketball players arrested in China for shoplifting. When the father of one of the three sportsmen was vaguely critical of him, Trump lashed out.

Trump’s turkeys are currently enjoying an opulent few days in Washington before their big moment, but do they have something to fear if they aren’t respectful enough? Will he kill it if it doesn't stand for the national anthem? Stand by.

An imagining of Donald Trump's Twitter feed...

Singularly fail to make any puns

You’ve never seen Trump properly laugh, and nor has he ever made a proper joke, let alone a clever pun. So given Obama’s wordplay-filled speeches at the event over the years (“yes we cran”, “gravy train to freedom”), how will a man whose only attempt at mirth was mocking a disabled reporter get on?

Here are some suggestions:

“I am here to admit there was some fowl play in my election.”

“Like this turkey, you reporters can all get stuffed.”

“My presidency is a cluster-pluck, I admit.”

“The wall? I know, it’s a total baste of money.”

Just kill it

There’s every chance Trump will simply not pardon the turkey at all, seeing that as a weak move that only his predecessors would have been limp enough to agree to.

Instead, perhaps he'll show the world he is strong by just eating it (we know he likes fried chicken as a working lunch, so it isn't far off) like presidents used to. Or maybe he'll use it to make a point about capital punishment and invite one of his sons – 11-year-old Barron might like the task – to shoot the turkey from point-blank range.

Assume it’s something to do Turkey

With any luck, there is a White House staffer currently standing in front of Donald Trump with a photograph of a turkey (the bird) in one hand and a map of Turkey (the country) in the other, and painstakingly drilling the difference into the 71-year-old’s head.

If they aren't, Trump could end up using an event attended by children and farmyard animals as the place to pardon the crimes of President Erdoğan, or pardon Mike Flynn (currently being investigated for an alleged plot to kidnap a Turkish cleric), or begin his speech with something like: Türkiye hep benim en sevdiğim ülke olmuştur, only to be met with silence.

Make it about race

There's white meat and dark meat on a turkey, and we all know that spells serious danger for Trump.

Credit:
trump tweet

Make a wildly inappropriate comment

It’s all going fine, then Trump wrecks the day with a verbal grenade. Something like: “This is in tribute to my dear friend, Charles Manson.” Or perhaps: “Every year, Melania asks to be pardoned from the marriage around this time, but I say no. I say no.” Or perhaps: “This turkey is fat, fat like Kim Jong-un, right? Little rocket man? Right?"

There are literally thousands of possibilities.

The turkeys Trump is set to pardon later today, in their hotelCredit:
Hannah MacInnis

Take it deadly seriously

Donald Trump appears outside the White House all po-faced and reverent, acting far more respectfully than he ever has after a national tragedy. He is wearing a black tie, while Melania is re-using that outfit she wore to meet the Pope.

He speaks of turkey genocides in years past and the contribution that birds have made to American history; he reads a 35-minute roll call of the names of turkeys slain that day in Washington DC. He cries, tenderly kisses the turkey on the head as he pardons it, and the world watches on in a state of absolute confusion.