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E ||==// \\==// || \\ ||==|| || || #023-TE02 -- [05/17/92]
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The Eternally Happy One,
Most Holy Scribe to The Church of Egg
- and -
The Eleventh New Reformed Orthodox Neo Neuro-Gnostic Monoversalist Cabal of
Sacred Household Appliances and Retrosapient Thinking
Present the Wisdom of the Ages
[One-True-Religion #133]
The Gospel According to Lem
[....... The Book Of ......]
[ ]
[ EEEEEE GGGGG GGGGG ]
[ EE GG GG ]
[ EEEEE GG GGG GG GGG ]
[ EE GG GG GG GG ]
[ EEEEEE GGGGG GGGGG ]
[..........................]
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In the beginning, before time and light and digital watches, Egg was all,
and that was good. Egg ruled the darkness, in which there existed a hole. Egg
opened the hole, and out sprung a beautiful world of darkness and mystery.
Egg fashioned the world into a sphere and set forth to populate the sphere
with a multitude of life. Egg made moles and rabbits and newts, birds,
turtles, cows, and lemmings, turkeys, bears, deer, and house cats, men,
asses, oxen, moose, mice, and women, horses, whales, sharks, fish, and many,
many more. Egg covered the dark world with lush vegetation and vast, navy
blue oceans. The world was beautiful. Egg molded mountains and valleys and
made vast plains of grass for her animals to frolic in. As a final touch, Egg
created eggs in her own image. The eggs had chickens, and the chickens had
eggs, in a never-ending cycle. And that was good.
[Note: The long sought-after answer to the deep, theological question:
"Which came first the chicken or the egg?" Here it is clearly illustrated
that eggs, made in Egg's own image, came first.]
But from that hole, one day poured forth all sorts of bright, glowing
objects, such as stars, moons and gooseneck lamps. Gomez, the source of all
evil, came next, bringing with him light, spandex, smurfs, day-glo and evil.
Gomez beguiled the populace into believing that light was good. [Note: This
was bad.] Men made fire, and oil lamps, and eventually, light bulbs. That's
when they whole world went to pot. The darkness, scorned by all, dwelt in
fear of the minions of light, sheltered deep within the chambers of its once
dark and beautiful world. The smurfs sought to destroy the dark, but it hid.
The darkness feared the light; and Age upon age, lived in torment, hunted by
the spandex-sporting smurfs.
One day, Egg grew quite angry ay all this, seeing her lovely darkplanet
covered with skyscrapers, amusement parks, and Taco Bells. Egg looked down
from on high, and spoke unto the dark, "Darkness, take back what was once
thine. And for Pete's sake, shut up those damned smurfs! I will send you a
savior, to help your quest. Listen to her for she is my anointed."
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<<>> THE GOSPEL ACCORDING TO LEM <<>>
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----------- I - The Infancy Narrative -----------
Geneology of the Anti-Egg
Amnion became the father of Leonidas, Leonidas became the father of
Jhebbubub, Jhebbub the father of Ezekial, Ezekial the father of Jamiel and
his brothers. Jamiel became the father of Aldehydes and Zarron. Aldehydes
became the father of Rayon, Rayon the father of Lycra, Lycra the father of
Spandex. Spandex the father of Nixon, Nixon the father of Jehova, Jehova the
father of Humd, whose gay lover's dog was Boaz. Humd became the father of
Gram, whose mother was Ruth. Gram became the father of Rye, Rye the father of
Ham, the king.
Ham became the father of Cation, Cation the father of Rhetoric, whose
second wife's third husband's fifth cousin's (twice removed) niece (the one
with the hook nose) had been the landlady for Urea. Rhetoric became the
father of Abijah, Abijah the father of Ogden. Ogden became the father of
Jehosaphet, Jehosaphet the father of Jetsam, Jetsam the father of Flotsam.
Flotsam became the father of Amminadab and his brothers, at the time of The
Second Great Egg Massacre.
After the massacres, Amminadab became the father of Borax, Borax the
father of Clorox, Clorox the father of Ghak. Ghak became the father of
Elmadabob, Elmadabob the father of Tamar, Tamar the father of Gillette.
Gillette became the father of kodak, Kodak the father of Zadox, Zadox the
father of Meslix. Meslix became the father of Feud, Feud the father of
Rehoboam, Rehoboam the father of Hezekiah, Hezekiah the father of Eliud, the
second cousin of Olga, the half sister and wife of Le Butt. Of him was born
the Anti-Egg.
The Birth of the Anti-Egg
Now this is how the birth of the Anti-Egg came about. Le Butt, a lowly
poultry farmer who lived by means of his scrawny chickens, was chosen by Egg
to bear the Anti-Egg. Egg sent an angel, Sibodeff, down unto Le Butt, and the
ange spoketh, "The wise and all-knowing Egg has chosen you to be her
messenger. Will thou bring forth the Anti-Egg and faithfully bear the message
of Egg?"
Le Butt promptly prostrated himself at Sibodeff's feet, crying "Oh
messenger of Egg, I am a filthy sinner, a lowly, dirty minion of the light!
Have mercy! I am not worthy!" But Sibodeff spoke, "Thou art worthy. Hast not
the Egg chosen thee to be the messenger?"
The Holy pact was made, and miraculously, Le Butt conceived a child. Le
Butt's village, Sinew, was in an uproar. The citizens were astonished that Le
Butt was with child, but being stupid, it wasn't because he was a man. They
overlooked the obvious and were disgusted that Le Butt was not married. Le
Butt promptly married Olga, his half sister, to please his village.
It happened that thst year was the year of the great poll. Olga and Le
butt, heavy with child, journeyed to the city of Blachama, some two hundred
miles from Sinew. Along the way, Olga became leprous. When the couple
arrivedin Blachama, they begged for a room in several inns, but were cast out
into the cold by the proprietors. Le Butt was finally granted lodging in the
outhouse of a small inn, but Olga was forbidden to set foot on the premises.
Olga fled for Pallakah, a city on the Nile, explaining to Le Butt that she
could not endanger his life any further, for she was leprous. It turned out
that Olga was faking her leprosy all along, and ran off to life with her gay
lover, Melenia, in Egypt.
That night alone in the cold, dark outhouse, Le Butt bore the Anti-Egg.
The songs of angels rose like a chill wind above the counryside. The blessed
Anti-Egg lay in swaddling upon the outhouse floor, until some lost kings in a
drunked stupor stumbled into the outhouse and vomited all over Le Butt and
the Anti-Egg. The most sober of the three companions begged apologies for his
drunken comrades, and after throwing up once more, he offered Le Butt some
incense and two gold pieces to compensate for Le Butt's ruined clothes.
----------- II - Proclamation of the Egg -----------
The Temptation of the Anti-Egg
The Anti-Egg was led by the spirit into thr desert, to be tempted by
Gomez. The Anti-Egg rested quietly in the shade of a tall cactus. After
several days, Gomez, in the form of a coyote, trottedup to her. Gomez spoke,
"See, Anti-Egg,it would be quite easy for me to lift my leg and pour hot piss
all over you. If you are the anointed of Egg, save yourself." She said in
reply, "It is written:
One may live throught an attack of locusts,
Or survive a beating with a club,
If one wears a bullet-proof vest.
Piss is trivial."
With that , Gomez pissed on the Anti-Egg, and trotted away. The next
day, Gomez flew down to the Anti-Egg in the form of a crow. He grasped the
Anti-Egg in his claws and flew above the mighty cities of the world. He said,
"See how the world swarms with those vile creatures, the Smurfs? If you are
truly the anointed of Egg, why can you not make them go away?" The Anti-Egg
said simply in her infinite wisdom, "Piss-off, Gomez." With that, Gomez
dropped the Anti-Egg back into the desert.
On the last day, Gomez cam in his natural form, that of a hairy, fat,
skulky Headmaster with a square head. He said, "Anti-Egg, you have not
succumbed to my temptations. Let me make a business proposition. I run a
small spandex production factory outside of Blachema. I'm looking for a
partner. It's quite lucrative, because there are millions of people who, for
some bizarre reason, want to buy day-glo spandex! What do you say?" At this,
the Anti-Egg said to him, "Get away from me, Gomez! It is written:
Thou shalt not wear spandex,
nor day-glo, for this is
the ultimate sin."
Then, Gomez left her, and the Anti-Egg left the desert.
The Call For the First Disciples
As the Anti-Egg went by a lamp factory in Chesadea, she saw two brothers,
Lem and Swell, slaving over a large, neon green gooseneck lamp in a brightly
lit room. They were nearly blind due to the extreme brightness of the
factory's lighting and test area. The Anti-Egg said to them, "Come after me,
and I will give you darkness." At once they left their lamps and followed
her.
Their eyes were instantly repaired to 20/20 vision. The three went along
from there and saw two other brothers, Colau and Puce, and their friends,
Schlockenhoffenstein (and Sam) wearing brightly colored spandex biking
shorts. The anti-egg called them, and immediately they left their spandex
and followed her.
Ministering to a Great Multitude
The Anti-Egg went around all of Chesadea, teaching the people and
proclaiming the word of Egg. Her fame spread to all who were sick and wracked
with pain, and all those who were possessed or lunatics. Great crowds of
psychotic idiots followed her.
The Light of the Body
"It is said that the Lamp of the body is the eye. If that is so, then
gouge out your eyes because light is evil."
Egg and Money
"Do not give me your money. I am the anointed of Egg. Why on Earth would
I need money? Instead, use this money to buy me Hostess(TM) Cupcakes and
Twinkies."
Eggs and Swine
"Do not give what is holy to dogs, or throw your eggs before swine, lest
the eggs devour your swine and leave you destitute and swineless."
False Prophets
"Beware of false prophets, who come to you in spandex. By their shorts
you will know them. Do intelligent people wear spandex? Just so, every good
prophet wears good shorts, and a rotten prophet wears bad spandex. A good
prophet cannot wear spandex, nor can a rotten prophet wear good shorts. Every
prophet that does not wear good shorts will be chopped up into little White
Castle hamburgers and be thrown into the fire. So by their shorts will you
know them."
----------- III - Ministry in Chesadea -----------
The Healing of the Lepadiam Demoniacs
When the Anti-Egg went through the gardens of Lepadiam, two demoniacs who
were coming from the tombs met her. They were so savage, and wore neon pink
spandex biking shorts, that no one could travel by road. They cried out,
"What have you to do with us, Anti-Egg? Do you wish to make fun of our
shorts?" The Anti-Egg cried out, "Gomez, leave these poor souls! And take
your spandex!" With that, the demons left, and the two men quickly removed
the spandex shorts, and threw them into the ocean.
The Healing of a Boy with a Demon
When the Anti-Egg and her disciples came to a crowd, a man approached and
said, "Oh Anti-Egg, have pity on my son, for he is a lunatic. He often falls
into fires, or water." The Anti-Egg said, "Pull aside his coat." The man did
this, revealing the boy's pair of purple spandex shorts. "Take those off!"
The Anti-Egg commanded. The man did this. "Gomez, leave this boy!" The
Anti-Egg demanded, and the demons fled.
Bachareus the Spandex-Maker
The Anti-Egg came to Jericho and hoped to pass through the town. Now a
man named Bachareus, who was the Captain of the Spandex Guild, came to her.
The Anti-Egg said "Come, Bachareus. I am to stay at your house." Bachareus
was exalted, but the followers of the Anti-Egg were wary. "She is going to
stay in the house of an evil-doer!"
But Bachareus said, "Behold, I will cast out my spandex! I will leave the
company and begin a worthy trade. I hear the Taco Bell is hiring." And the
Anti-Egg said, "Today your soul is saved, for in denouncing spandex, you
denounced Gomez. Never again shall you feel the urge to wear day-glo."
----------- IV - The Mission of the Six -----------
The Anti-Egg summoned her six disciples and gave them authority over
unclean spandex, and the power to drive out Gomez. The names of the disciples
are these: Lem and Swell, sons of Melidas, Colau and Puce,
Schlockenhoffenstein (and Sam)
She went out to the six after instructing them thusly, "Do not go into
pagan territory or enter a spandex factory. Go rather to the lost chicks of
the house of Egg. As you go, make this proclamation: 'The kingdom of Egg is
at hand. ' Cleanse unclean shorts and dispel Gomez. Without cost you have
received, without cost you are to give. Do not take gold or silver or copper
-- Instead, ask for a ritual sacrifice of foods high in saturated fats.
Whatever village you enter, look for a worthy home and stay there until you
leave. Whoever denies the word of Egg will not receive you -- Go outside and
curse their souls to Hell. Burn their houses and move on.
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