Three things I’ve learned about Jennifer Love Hewitt in the last five minutes:

1) She likes her breasts. “It’s horrible to say, but I like my boobs. They’ve always served me well. They’re good,” she told Maxim magazine.

2) She uses vanilla extract to attract men. “I carry McCormick’s Pure Vanilla — the baking kind — and dab it on my neck,” she said in Us Weekly. “Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, ‘You smell amazing!’”

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3) She’s currently in my bedroom, and my wife is cool with it.

All right, you caught me. The last one is a lie. And not only is it a lie, it’s a whopper of a lie. Because my wife would never be cool with Jennifer Love Hewitt in my bedroom. Jennifer Lopez? Sure. Jennifer Aniston? Probably. But Jennifer Love Hewitt? Never. (OK fine. She wouldn’t be cool with Lopez or Aniston or anyone, obviously. But even less cool with Love Hewitt.) (Did I dig myself out of that hole sufficiently?)

Anyway, and much like Bill Simmons oh-so-correctly pointed out many years ago, there is not another woman alive that so many men find attractive — and so many women loathe — than Jennifer Love Hewitt. And that’s why my wife wouldn’t let her anywhere near my bedroom, no matter how much vanilla extract she was wearing.

It’s also — I think (new hole about to be dug) — the reason why so many massage therapists are upset over the new Lifetime series, “The Client List.” In it — and it’s based on a true story — J. Love plays a would-be masseuse who is actually a prostitute.

This is not going over well in the massage therapy world.

“I have practiced massage therapy for more than 20 years, and I hated the connotation that you might do something a little more when you told people what profession you were in,” said Stephanie Huth-Lipnicki, who owns Natural Alternatives Center for Wellness in Allentown. “In 20 years, we (as a profession) are often still fighting that stigma. Call it what it is — prostitution — but keep it FAR from Massage Therapy.”

In fact, the American Massage Therapy Association has asked Lifetime, where the show airs, to do something simple: Place a disclaimer somewhere in the credits stating that massage therapists are not, in fact, hookers. In a shocking turn of events, Lifetime has not put up the disclaimer.

And while the Libertarian in me doesn’t think Lifetime should have to be disclaiming anything, it is worth nothing that a certain sub-section of humanity — namely, not-too-bright men — kinda sorta think there might be more going on on the massage table than a theraputic massage. Just ask Christine Pagnotta DiPilla, a massage therapist from Doylestown, Pa. and owner of BodyEnergyWorks.

“Personally, I’ve been put in scary and dangerous situations ranging from being in a home and the conversation turns to one where the client is feeling the waters, so to speak, all the way to directly asking if I would massage the genitals,” she said.

So this much is true, without question: Massage therapists are fighting a battle against idiots, and “The Client List” isn’t doing them any favors. In fact, massage therapists have quietly organized themselves via Facebook, and are going directly to advertisers of the show, asking them to cancel their ads. So far, according to MassageMag.com, Dairy Queen and Kellogs have decided to pull their commercials.

All well and good. You have to fight for what you believe in.

But I wonder if there would be such a big fuss if Jennifer Love Hewitt wasn’t the star of the show. What if it was … say … it was Meryl Streep? Or Oprah? Or the lady who played Mrs. Garrett on “The Facts of Life?” (None of whom I’ve ever wanted in my bedroom.) Then would the backlash be the same? My guess is not as much.

Let’s face it: Jennifer Love Hewitt is a bit of a polarizing figure, mostly because of her polarizing figure. I mean, if we’re being fully honest, it’s her large chest and tiny everything else that’s the major issue. Don’t think so? Even Lifetime, in hyping the show, digitally altered her breasts to appear — you’re not going to believe this — SMALLER in print ads. (What’s this world coming to? A show about a massage therapist-turned-prostitute starring a big-breasted, impossibly skinny woman and they reduce the size of her bosom? I’m shivering at the implications.)

Honestly, this whole thing is what the kids today call a “hot mess.” Remember, the show (and the movie that preceded it) was based on a true story, but the “truth” — massage therapist-turned-prostitute — is an outlier. Real massage therapists don’t sell their bodies.

And Jennifer Love Hewitt, whether she likes it or not, is just fanning the fires on every side. Fanning my fire, at least.

And before we finish up here, a word: No, I did not watch “The Client List.” I just fast-fowarded to the good parts. Duh.