Marry My Husband

Amy Krouse Rosenthal’s moving plea for her husband to find love after her death.

Amy Krouse Rosenthal died last week. A short time before her death she wrote a profoundly moving essay, “You May Want to Marry My Husband” in the New York Times’ Modern Love column that created an unprecedented whirlwind of reaction.

The author, a prolific writer of children’s books who was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, chose an entirely different theme for what she called her Valentine’s Day message to her husband. After 26 years of what she acknowledges as an idyllic marriage, she wanted more than anything else to leave this world with the assurance that the husband she loved so dearly would find another partner worthy of his qualities.

So she wrote a love letter to extol her husband’s unique assets and abilities. She tells us how easy a man he is to fall in love with – because she did it just one day. She praises his gifts as a father; his kindness and compassion; his fantastic skill in the kitchen; his artistic talent; his romantic nature - and with that all his incredible good looks. She shares with us how much she would have loved the next 26 years with him. But since she knows her days are numbered she concludes: “I am wrapping this up on Valentine’s Day, and the most genuine, non-vase-oriented gift I can hope for is that the right person reads this, finds Jason, and another love story begins.”

It was heart wrenching to read. Even more so, to know that Amy’s death shortly followed. But what I think is the takeaway message from this remarkable story is something that I as a Rabbi have often tried to communicate – a message often difficult to absorb but deeply important in the lives of people forced to cope with the aftermath of tragedy.

Losing a loved one is an experience beyond compare. The Talmud recognized that “a husband chiefly dies only for his wife, a wife only for her husband.” Those who try to offer comfort by claiming they understand the mourner’s pain are untruthful as well as insensitive. The agony of loss for a beloved partner in life simply has no parallel.

And yet Jewish law has a remarkable demand upon the conclusion of the seven-day shiva period. With the close of the intense time of mourning, those who rise from their grief are to step outside and walk around the block – symbolically expressing the idea that life must go on and it is their duty to rejoin the living.

The greatest gift we owe to those who truly loved us is to find the happiness they would surely have wanted for us.

The Torah tells us that when Abraham lost his beloved wife Sarah he eulogized her and he wept over her. He recalled her beauty – both external and internal. He remembered that she was always at his side, when he invited guests to his tent and when he taught the truth of monotheism to nonbelievers. He paid an exorbitant sum to have her buried in the most special place on earth, according to tradition the cave of the final resting place for Adam and Eve.

And then the Torah tells us an amazing follow-up to the story. Abraham remarried. He had more children. Somehow Abraham knew that his life was not meant to be over as long as God gave him more years to live.

It is important to note that Abraham did not consider his subsequent remarriage in any sense a diminution of his previous relationship with the matriarch of our people. Sarah remains forevermore the esteemed and noble figure of our ancestry. But Abraham demonstrated by taking a wife after the loss of the love of his youth that he understood God’s decree from the time of creation that “it is not good for man to remain alone” – that human beings need companionship and that joy can only come about when the world is shared by four eyes rather than two.

I can think of nothing more noble than Amy Rosenthal’s public declaration of her desire for her husband’s happiness, to whatever extent possible, after her demise. Those who were critical of her essay and those who feel that true love ought to exclude the possibility for meaningful existence after its passing should find meaning from the life of Abraham - and keep faith, as Amy Rosenthal did, in life offering different, new and fulfilling blessings.

Death of a loved one should not move survivors to choose personal death as well. Indeed, the greatest gift we owe to those who truly loved us is to find the happiness they would surely have wanted for us.

About the Author

Rabbi Benjamin Blech, a frequent contributor to Aish, is a Professor of Talmud at Yeshiva University and an internationally recognized educator, religious leader, and lecturer. He is the author of 19 highly acclaimed books with combined sales of over a half million copies, A much sought after speaker, he is available as scholar in residence in your community. See his website at rabbibenjaminblech.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 16

(13)
RMK,
March 22, 2017 5:39 PM

I remarried after 9 years of widowhood

When my husband of 40 years died, I thought I never wanted to remarry. That was an appropriate feeling for the first few years while I was trying to figure out how I could go on without him. And it may be the choice of others to never remarry but for me and my new husband whose wife passed away after 46 years of marriage, we, with the help of G-d, married under a chuppah 2 months ago. It's wonderful and I wish everyone who wants it much Hatzlacha!

(12)
Donna Perel,
March 21, 2017 12:10 AM

I only wished...

Over 41 years ago my mother, of blessed memory, penned a letter to me about a year before she was nifter. I received it after she was gone. One thing that she hoped was for my father, of blessed memory, to remarry as a tribute to the strength of their marriage. He never did. My bracha for Jason is to find love again and that Amy will look down and smile.

(11)
Anonymous,
March 20, 2017 10:18 PM

a widow's obligation?

This story is so touching and beautiful and I think if I were in her shoes, I would wish the same for my husband. Rabbi Blech points out that a man, like Abraham, should mourn genuinely and move on into a new marriage. This is even a very normal masculine response. But what about widows? What place do we have when we are past childbearing years? My children nearing independence, I feel increasingly useless since their father died a few years ago. Like Mr. Rubinson, I want to believe my life has some purpose or plan, but beats me what it is or how to figure it out.

Sam Rubinson,
March 22, 2017 1:58 AM

Thank you for reading my response

It is the same for widows. Everyone is on this earth to enjoy life. That is what G-d wants. Everyone also has a purpose Your kids will always need you, maybe not in the same way. I have taken it upon myself to reach out to people who have lost loved ones, especially spouses. If I can help try to explain things, please contact me at rubinson-family@msn.com

(10)
Ruth Rasnic,
March 20, 2017 4:24 PM

May she rest in peace.

It takes courage, which this lady had, and great love, to leave such a will.In time, her beloved bereaved husband will find someone to fill the vacant place in his heart.

(9)
Elisabeth Soros,
March 20, 2017 4:25 AM

After death taking a other wife or husband

It must be a very hard for this man, but all the situations are different. We are need a very deep spirituality to understand the situations andand must be strong to cope with the given situations. Need a determined dedications.My blood line Grandma passed away before the Nazis and my Grandfather had five kids, some needed a motherly love.My "new" Grandma couldn't have had any children. My blood line Grandma choose my "new" Grandma before her passing away.I was a adult when I have learned that my very sweet, intelligent dedicated , very loving spiritual Grandma raised my father and his brothers and sisters.I was a very privileged person that my "second" Grandma raised me too!!All the Life is in HaShem's hand.!!!!!May we pray for others in this situation!Thank You!

Gigi

(8)
Jeff @ Toronto,
March 20, 2017 1:04 AM

A beautiful paean to marital bliss

Amy Krouse Rosenthal's NY Times article was a selfless expression of love. I can't imagine it easy for anyone to picture her spouse with a new partner after she's gone. For Amy to have broadcast to the world, "Come and get him, ladies! He's an amazing catch!" was truly an act of devotion, a final love letter to her soulmate. She must have been in great physical pain, yet her thoughts were for the future wellbeing and happiness of her husband.
May her neshama find peace; and may Hashem comfort her husband and family among the other mourners of Zion and Israel.

(7)
Sam Rubinson,
March 19, 2017 9:58 PM

I walk in Jason's shoes

Rabbi, First of all my heartfelt condolences to Jason. I read your article and you hit the nail squarely on the head. I lost my wife of 30 years when she was 51 years old, over 6 years ago. She told me to mourn as much as I needed to and then to find love again. In fact, she even arranged for the next woman to "take care of me" and we did fall in love after 2 years. Unfortunately, she passed away 2 years ago this coming week. I am still trying to discover what G-d's plan is for me, but I do agree with you that we are here to share life together, and there is no more joyous thing that life has to offer than to share it with a loving spouse.

Yechiel (Michael) Aaron,
March 20, 2017 12:32 PM

Stay Strong

You are correct in your understanding that G-D has the plan for all of us; even if we cannot always understand the path.Stay strong; and if you ever want to talk please drop me a line at bhaaron@hotmail.comMay you find joy and happiness.bhaaron@hotmail.comYechiel (Michael) Aaron

Sam Rubinson,
March 22, 2017 2:04 AM

thank you

Thank you for your caring response. I can be reached at rubinson-family@msn.com but I will drop you a line.

(6)
Leah,
March 19, 2017 9:31 PM

Selfless

What a beautiful act of selflessness.
One only has to look at her face to see that she embraced life and was happy. At the end she made plans for her husband's happiness.
She truly was an eshet chayil.

(5)
Netanya,
March 19, 2017 8:32 PM

absolute breath and breathtaking of the essence of real love

the lesson that Rosenthal gives over is pureher untainted feelings her deep desire to unleash her husband from any guilt/shameis a lesson in real and pure love.It is also a lesson to the world of what real commitment is to be marriedno guilt or shameno underlying agendasabsoluteEMES

(4)
Leslie Borshy,
March 19, 2017 3:48 PM

What a moving story. In my experience I have seen that men with good marriages tend to find someone else to share their lives rather quickly after a wife dies. This is , I think, a reflection of the great relationship that they had with their great first wife

(3)
Sharon Polatoff,
March 19, 2017 3:43 PM

Thank you for the article

Dear Rabbi Blech, I loved the original article and have been sending it to others. As a Jewish chaplain, I could not agree more with your article and in particular the idea of not understanding another's grief. Thank you for this beautiful article. Sharon Polatoff, Rochester NY

(2)
Anonymous,
March 19, 2017 3:14 PM

With all due respect to Avraham Avinu ...

My wife of 44 years and I are in relatively good health for the time being, but who knows how much time any one of us has left? I can't imagine what my life would be like without the better part of me. I really can't. I'll want to live on, of course, to see our grandchildren grow and devote my days to reminding them how their Savta adored them more than anything, but I am resigned that I can never find companionship again to soothe, much less fill, that missing part of my heart that became the essential part of me.

(1)
H.E.Brown,
March 19, 2017 2:11 PM

Death of your Love.

My wife & love of 53 years has been gone going on 8 years. I still Don't Understand.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
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