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March 29, 2008

This past Thursday

It's been a long time since I've sat down and written a post. I do feel I needed a break but I have also been very busy, finding it difficult to find the time to sit down and write a post. Being busy is good. Real good.

I have many fears. I didn't know that when someone suffered a loss that fear could overtake their body. I guess I should say, I didn't know that when I suffered a loss that fear would take over MY body. I can't speak for everyone, I can only speak for me. But I wonder if you understand.

I have many fears and many anxieties. Many of my anxieties are in social situations, I'm not sure why, but even the thought of dinner with friends makes my stomach drop to the ground and I feel very uneasy. Just describing that situation right now brings that feeling to me. I hate it. I can't stand it. If I never have that feeling again, it would bring me so much relief. But I know I will have that feeling, that feeling that something bad will happen, a feeling of darkness, over and over again. Forever.

The interesting thing about dinner with friends, is that I KNOW it would be so good for me, but I think I fear the unknown, not so much the presence of my friends. Not knowing how people will react to me, not knowing how I will react to them, I don't want people to feel discomfort around me, I want them to be comfortable, to say anything, to ask anything, but it's not that easy.

I have simple fears, like fearing a visit to my hair salon, seeing my hair stylist. Believe it or not, Jessica, my stylist, was one of the first people I told about my pregnancy, in fact, when I told her, it felt like I was lying to her, the news hadn't even set in with me. But I told her because I didn't want her to let me cut my hair off during my pregnancy. I've been known to do that once twice before. After the twins died, I didn't know how I was going to be able to walk into my salon and tell these people, these people who REJOICED with me every time I went in, I didn't know how I would tell them of our losses, our grief. I would just imagine walking in and my body would grow numb with fear.

Somehow, someway, Jessica read James and Jake's obituary in the paper and sent us a card - so I knew she knew and that made things easier, but still going into the salon was something I feared. Even just making the appointment over the phone was something that filled me with dread.

I feared going into my doctor's office where we learned James and Jake were boys. My doctor has two offices, I had already, dreadfully, gone to one. But the other, the other office was filled with amazing ultrasounds, two appointments that we loved and enjoyed so much. Two amazing moments, shared with Brian, shared with the ultrasound tech, who has twins herself, two appointments that filled me with joy like I had never experienced. I can remember her saying to us "you are so blessed." Seeing these two amazing boys and knowing the love and joy they would add to the family I cherish, I could not imagine how I could possibly contain my happiness, my love. I remember these two appointments and although I feel such sadness now, it does amaze me that we could share such joy with our boys when they were just in my belly. A good memory with them, we do have so few.

This past Thursday, I faced these fears. Head on. I took Racecar to the salon for a haircut, I dropped Ariel and Racecar off at my friend's house while I went to the other doctor's office for another appointment and I went to dinner with my best friend, my soul sister.

Some moments were good and some moments felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, there were moments of reality and clarity, there were moments of certainty and uncertainty and moments of laughter and tears. I liked it. I hated it. It was a day of strength and courage; strength and courage that I have been doubting that I had.

I would never have thought that these simple, ordinary events could turn into life hurdles, but that is just what they were. Giant hurdles. And I jumped over them and landed on my feet. This past Thursday.

Comments

I will finally comment to you as I have been lurking for a few weeks. Up until now I just didn't know what to say. I am so glad that you were able to face those tough hurdles. You are an extremely strong woman. Thanks for sharing.

Beth,
I certainly understand the experience you write about fear overtaking your body after loss. While the loss I speak of is different from yours, I get that paralyzing sensation and the dread that I won't get through it.
For me it's like being at the fair in the glass house, but fear has made the lights go out and I'm wandering in tight spaces, trying to find my way out into the light, smacking into glass at every turn.
Thinking of you.

You are so brave! Keep facing those fears and soon those fears with be your strengths! I think of you often and hope you don 't mind that I linked you to my site. You are an example of greatness that I need in my life right now! If you would rather I take the link off, I would be happy to. Just let me know.

It may seem like a huge hurdle, but with each one you cross, they get smaller. I have never lost a baby, so I can't say I know what you are going through, but I do know that lose never goes away, and you are doing a fantastic job of learning how to live with it. I pray for you everyday.

Way to go, girl. You do the tough stuff but you don't make yourself, "suck it up." Makes me wonder, how awesome is the woman who raised you to be such a trooper and such a fantastic woman/mother/wife/blogger/laundry-doer? Kudos to you and to your upbringing as well. You're in my thoughts and prayers,

I'm so glad you are here! You don't even know how much I admire your strength. Your journey is giving me hope that I can conquer my fears. I feel safe and bundled in friendship here. I know you don't always have good days, but you show us we CAN land on our feet, even if it seems next to impossible.

Even though it feels impossible, taking these little steps even though you are afraid will be the key to getting rid of the fears. You will know when you are ready, and even if you're scared, you'll do it. Then it won't be scary the next time.

I'm proud of you for facing your fears and not hiding them. Keep your head up and keep on moving along with them. You are strong. So very strong, I admire that about you. That is one of the first things I noticed about you at our first bloggy meet up! that and you cracked me up!

Please remember your fears are normal. Your friends and people in your life understand as well and will be there when you need them.

Funny you mention courage and strength. From the moment I talked with you on the phone and then met you in Vegas, I thought that described you wonderfully. You face life head on and ready to take on anything. I believe you still hold all these qualities. They lie within you. As you go through the grieving process you will find yourself again. It will be a new you, but I believe you will be even stronger and more compassionate than before.

I am so proud of you for facing some of these things, that have become fears and anxiety-ridden for you, head on! I like how you described the many different and opposite emotions you experienced throughout that one difficult day because it's so true!! You are getting through each day and situation one step at a time. Each one brings its own set of challenges you will overcome...you WILL come out on the other side of ALL OF THIS standing on your own two feet!!

I will say it over and over again... You are very brave! You amaze me and your strengh inspires me! Keep up the good work! You can do it... Everythign in baby steps or not... Only you know how much you can handle...

Rock on soul sister! You are such a wonderful, wonderful woman, momma, wife, sister, daughter, and friend. I love you dearly, and I am SO proud of each fear and each challenge you have faced thus far. Know in your heart that you will continue to do so with the intense love your boys and entire family and friends have for you to support and encourage you...

I haven't read your page in a few days and was so happy to have the time to be able to read it tonight.
So, so happy that you had a wonderful Thursday. It sounds like you have some wonderful friends who are there to lift you and carry you when you don't feel like you can lift your own self.
Kudos to you for being so brave and facing the fears. You go girl!

i've been away for a bit and am catching up....this post brought tears to my eyes (again) because it took me back to my 1st u.s. w/my now 4yo twin girls. i was alone, my dh was home w/our almost 2yo daughter. i'm high risk so i got my first us at 4 weeks i think. internal, like you. i don't know who was more suprised, me or my doc. you see, my 1st pg - well my 2nd pg really, my 1st live birth was twins. well started out as twins, there was fetal demise of one at just about 12 weeks. for the 2nd time in my life i got to call my husband and say 'are you sitting down'? to this day, i remember that moment vividly. the shock. the amazement. the happiness. and for me, the fear. thank you for sharing it all with us. you are loved.