How Do I Handle One of My Children Whining Constantly?

Updated on
December 16, 2008

M.L.
asks from
Bessemer City, NC
on December 15, 2008

27
answers

My son Joshua is 8, and most of the time, he tries whining whenever his new brother, my step-son, does something or says something; or whenever he doesn't get his way. How can I break that bad habit?? Is there a remedy, or something that I can say or do to change his reactions to things....?? I really need some advice from anyone who might be going through the same thing.
Thanks in advance.

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I.N.

answers from
Raleigh
on
December 15, 2008

I just say, "No whining in the kitchen!" or dining room, living room, etc. Or it's "I can't hear you when you're whining!" A friend of mine puts on sunglasses and tells his kids he can't hear them when he's wearing his sunglasses, so he puts them on when they're whining.

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S.D.

answers from
Nashville
on
December 16, 2008

Children start whining because it works. Stop letting it work. I tell my children that whining does not work with me. If they whine they do not get what they are whining for.

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W.M.

answers from
Nashville
on
December 16, 2008

I would simply tell him that you do not listen to little boys who whine and when he speaks correctly, you will listen. Then walk away and do not listen until he speaks to you correctly. It works great with my son, although, he will do it again, you will just have to continue to remind him by walking away when he does it. Good luck.

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M.M.

answers from
Jacksonville
on
December 16, 2008

There is a program out there called 1 2 3 Magic. You count 1 for whining, if they don't stop you say 2 for whining, at 3 for whining they go to their rooms. YOu show no emotion and do not give into anything that was requested or demanded in the whine tone. You are supposed to set a timer but I just send them away and let them cool off.
I use this for a lot of things. It gives them a place to cool off and gets them out of your hair so you can make dinner.
Also try to find some time just for him when he is not whining and give him some attention. THe holidays are coming up and you have a new addition to the family. He may need some mommy alone time.

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T.S.

answers from
Charlotte
on
December 16, 2008

M.,
We are actually going through the same issues - except, mine is nine and it's because mommy is working more. He was home sick today and we had a heart to heart talk about that I would not respond to his "whinning" - when we wanted to talk to me he needs to talk to me in his regular voice and be honest with what he was wanting. I told him he's old enough to know the communicating is important and he not little anymore. I can read his mind, so he has to tell me with words what he is feeling (without the whinning) I also told him.... Hugs - I can do that, Kisses - I can do that. Help with homework - I can try to do that (math is not my specialty), Drawing ideas - I can do that.... responding to his whining I will not do that. The older they have become I have to get more serious about rules. Out of good humor sometimes I will imitate them and say...."see what it looks like?" Not pretty is it? We all laugh and agree to not do it again. Also like one woman suggested; ignore their behavior and explaining that I will respond when you are ready to talk to me when your done whinning. Good luck with it and let us know how he is doing. Most of his behavior is coming from the fact that he may be a bit jealous, he wants more of your attention and doesn't know how to communicate it (Men need to be taught - this is not an emotion they know how to deal with) Even my husband will whine when he wants my attention. It's in their genetics.

Peace Be With You,
T.

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R.H.

answers from
Clarksville
on
December 16, 2008

Well, no advice here. Just a little note of "I am going through the same thing!" Ha. I have 4 whiners in the house. Does that mean I have a whinery in my house? Thank God I don't drink or I would be a drunkard. Ha!

Maybe we should record on video one of their episodes of whining and replay it for them. Then they can see what we see. I wonder if it would work. God Bless~

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D.B.

answers from
Charlotte
on
December 15, 2008

.

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P.L.

answers from
Greensboro
on
December 16, 2008

Hi M.!
my daughter is a whiner too. (she's 10) Only, She AWAYS whines! Years! No reason. She just cries and whines all the time. Her friends as well as siblings complain. Its annoying. We've tried to get her involved in all sorts of activities, dance for 6 years, soccer for two. Still, she whines! Im so outtta my wits that Im just thinking that THIS IS HER PERSONALITY!? Perhaps I'll put her in children's theater? With all the DRAMA, ya know? She cries over EVERYTHING! I try to teach her that crying isnt gonna get her anywhere. I try to teach her that she needs to use her words more. I DONT want to burst the ego she has in anyway by telling her she's a big baby. I cant do that. Nobody's gonna like her, she's lacks friends (in 5th grade too), and I cant tell her it's because she whines and cries all the time. I dont know what to do either. I dont want the wrong negetive approach either. so any advice yo get, I'd love some of it too!
My husband and I are full time working parents, that set aside family time every evening and weekend for our two beautiful daughters that are 12 and 10. Good luck and Thank you!

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S.T.

answers from
Johnson City
on
December 16, 2008

Ok, I have seveal thoughts on this.

First, is he only whining where his new brother is concerned or is he whining over EVERYTHING? If it is just in regards to his new brother, than are his concernes legitimate and just being presented wrongly? I don't know your family circumstances, but is there really some injustice between the two? Either real or perceived on your son's part? He may be asking you to bring the situation back into balance for him.

Next, please remember that whining is a passive form of rebellion. Here's what I mean. Your son asks you for a cookie before supper. You say no. If he were to then say, "you will give me a cookie NOW" you would be taken aback by his demanding a cookie. But if he says "Mooommmm, I realllly want a cooooookie" he has esentially said the same thing, just in a different way. He is not taking your 'No' as the final word.

My daughter whines a lot also. I got tired of telling her 'No whining'. Recently I started using a new phrase "Whining is not an acceptable for of communication". I repeat this to her every time she comes to me whining. It reminds her that I don't want to hear the whining and she knows that for me to answer her original question she must ask it without whining.

Also remember that most kids whine repeatedly because it works! Check yourself to see how often you are giving into the whine.

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C.R.

answers from
Charlotte
on
December 16, 2008

Try saying you cant understand him when he speaks in that voice, and ask him to repeat what he is saying in his regular voice. Just stick to that over, and over, and over. That way his concerns, fears, or feelings can still be heard but he is displaying good manners.

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T.G.

answers from
Raleigh
on
December 16, 2008

I have been dealing with some of the same issues with my now 7yr old. I started talking to him about growing up and maturing. When he whines, I explain to him that this is an example of how he needs to grow up and mature. I also tell him that the only one in the house that whines is his baby brother and that's because he can't speak well yet. So, if you continue to act like a baby, then I will treat you like a baby. Sometimes it works and then lastly I send him to his room and ask him to get it together before him comes back to talk to me in a big boy voice. Usually one or the other works. I have noticed that it has gotten better.

I also told him that it is okay to cry, but it needs to be for an important reason, like you are hurt physically or someone you love is hurt physically. I don't want him to grow to be the man that will hold everything in, however I don't want him to cry at the drop of the dime either.

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C.B.

answers from
Raleigh
on
December 16, 2008

Hi M.

I have a 6 and 4 year old and when they whine, which is not often, I treat them like they are speaking a foreign language. Bryson & Brianna knows mommy does not speak whine, therefore I can't understand them and immediately they stop. Even when they get hurt, I don't let them whine to tell me what happen. They can cry as long a they need too. I will comfort them with hugs, but when the need to talk, they take a deep breath and speak like the little people they are.

I agree with the mom that said you can't give your son attention when he whines. Children do what works for them. Your eight is whining because it works.

Be strong in the Lord and end this behavior early.

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A.J.

answers from
Memphis
on
December 16, 2008

Argh! I just read something like this in Babytalk or Parenting magazine, but it involved the use of a "No Whining" sign, whining with the big red circle and line through it. But it involved something else I can't remember that made it more effective, lol, I hope this helps a little!

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S.P.

answers from
Nashville
on
December 16, 2008

I agree with so much of the advice below. Sometimes when I'm at my limit though and the whining comes I will answer back in an equally annoying, whining voice that I can't respond to whining. It usually gets everyone laughing because they realize how ridiculous they sound.

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L.D.

answers from
Raleigh
on
December 16, 2008

Dear M.,
Boy does this take me back. My daughter, now 13, used to whine constantly. After about losing my mind, I started to tell her that I didn't understand whine and she would need to repeat what she said because I just couldn't understand it. If she said it again with a whine, I would just repeat that I didn't understand whine and she would have to try again. When she finally said it without a whine I would say, "Oh that's what you meant, now I can understand you." Sometimes it would take as many as four times but she finally would ask without whining. When she would slip, I would just return to "I can't understand whine, could you repeat that in English?"

Some of it's an age thing but it can then be a habit.

Good luck,
L. D.

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T.C.

answers from
Lexington
on
December 16, 2008

Try saying something like, "I can't hear you when you talk in that whiny voice. You need to speak normally." And then ignore him until he stops whining. If you're consistent he'll get the message.

As a sidenote, if he's recently gone from being an only child to having a brother, that's a big adjustment for a kid. Maybe he needs a little extra love and attention, not spoiling, but just making it a point to spend time with him and reassure him that you love him just as much as you always have.

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A.R.

answers from
Knoxville
on
December 16, 2008

Being a nanny in college for three different families the whining thing is very common so I know a thing or two about it. I have found the only way to break the whining habit is not to responed at all EVER to a whiny voice. I usually will correct my daughter three times. Three strikes and you are out at my house. I will tell her I can't hear you when you use that voice and if you would like to address me with a big girl tone I will be willing to listen but I am turing off my ears to whiners for the rest of my day. After being ignored for some time it stops. But it is so annoying because as you know this will probably start a 30 minute rant into whinerville!!!!!

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M.S.

answers from
Memphis
on
December 16, 2008

I have used I can't hear you when you whine with good results, the key is no emotion, matter of fact. I have said "whining is less likely to help you get what you want". The conversation ends and I don't respond until the whining stops. I have told my children that I can't understand them when they whine and I pretend I don't even if I do. BTW we have relapses over the years, but I go back to the no whining zone. I started telling my children when they were old enough to understand that they can have a good attitude or a bad one, it makes life more fun if you choose to have a good one.

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V.C.

answers from
Wheeling
on
December 16, 2008

Hi, M.~

Try to find out what each boy's 'love language' is. This is a personality analysis by Dr. Gary Chapman. Each person has one or two major 'love language(s)' and you need to 'speak' (give) theirs to fill their individual 'love tank(s)'. They are:
1) Receiving Gifts
2) Words of affirmation (compliments, encouragement)
3) Acts of service (behind the scenes chores that say, "I love you")
4) Quality time (whatever that means to the individual)
5) Physical touch (anything from a pat on the shoulder to standing close enough to touch)
I think this should help.

Also, 'dates' with the boys individually (separately by Mom AND Dad) to make them feel special. Take them where THEY want to go. Could be that just talking with him -- without sounding threatening (which I find impossible to do, and I'm 51!! I wish my mom had known the love languages . . . *sigh*) may help him to simply open up and find -- and express -- his own feelings.

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T.C.

answers from
Nashville
on
December 16, 2008

My daughter DID this in the morning. I got so tired of it, that I finally told her "You get only 3 complaints a day and that is it!" suprisingly it worked. She starts to complain now and I will ask her are you complaining and she stops!

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E.M.

answers from
Louisville
on
December 16, 2008

ignore it tell him you cant understand what he wants when he whines. dont talk to him until he stops. works for us good luck

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K.D.

answers from
Raleigh
on
December 16, 2008

My daughter is 4, but here is what we did with her. We told her that whining doesn't get her what she wants, and when she does we'll simply make her aware "Ashlyn, you're whining." It took her a little while to get the hang of it, but now when you tell her that she will correct her tone and ask in a normal voice. We do not acknowledge what she is whining about until she stops the whining.

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S.M.

answers from
Raleigh
on
December 16, 2008

When my daughter was 2, I started "Whining gets you nothing". Anytime she would whine I would tell her "whining gets you nothing" and I would ignore the whining and she would NEVER get what she was whining for.
Now when she whines I ask her "What does whining get you?" and she says "nothing" and stops. 90% of the time. :)
I consider that a small victory with a 3 year old.
I think the big thing is consistency and follow through with whatever you choose to do.
Good luck!

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C.R.

answers from
Knoxville
on
December 16, 2008

I don't have step kids but when my sons starting whining we just told them that it was not acceptable behavior and when they could talk in a normal voice without whining then we could talk about it. They would usually stop right away and then we could talk through the issue. The best was when we were at a church youth group activity and one of the other kids started whining my son, then 6 went over to the child and matter of factly said "Whining is not an acceptable behavior so you need to stop it and when you can talk in a normal voice we can discuss this issue." The child was so surprised that someone would say that they stopped and never whined again at the church youth functions. This child was a chronic whiner. The adults were all so proud of him that he would be willing to say that to the child. You just have to make sure that you are not a whining adult. This childs mother was a whiner also. We all know that children will do as the see not always just as they are told.

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M.B.

answers from
Raleigh
on
December 16, 2008

I agree with the nanny person below - I NEVER RESPOND to a whiny voice - SIMPLY PUT I tell my son - my ears cannot hear a whiny voice - nor a yelling voice - so if you would like to speak normally then I will listen to you and help you out.
My kids - daughter 9 and son 7 constantly argue etc - it's a normal part of growing up together - and I am still figuring things out - but I have found that no response to it has worked the best - kids figure it out quite quickly.

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K.D.

answers from
Raleigh
on
December 16, 2008

Walk over to him and say "Honey, use your words. I can't understand you until you use your words." It helped with my kids. Good luck.

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B.E.

answers from
Asheville
on
December 16, 2008

Tell your son that whining is not acceptable and that you will not talk or listen to him when he does that (it is just a bad habit). Then gently remind him with one often repeated sentence (the same thing each time) that whining will not get him what he wants. It will take some time to change this bad habit so be patient but be firm and consistent; and make sure you give him your attention when he is not whining to help reinforce the good behavior. God Bless, B. E.