Who Killed The Little Rascals?

death

NEW YORK—Speaking for the first time since waking from a medically induced coma following a devastating car accident, 8-year-old Aiden Miller recounted an extremely vivid near-death experience Friday that reportedly contained detailed descriptions of heaven, angels, and a six-figure book deal.

HARTFORD, CT—After his health insurance provider selflessly paid dozens of claims, covered no fewer than five generic drug prescriptions, and fielded his near-daily phone calls, ungrateful policy member Samuel Clifton, 59, had the temerity to just up and die Monday without so much as a word of explanation, sources reported.

FAIRFAX, VA—In the wake of Wednesday’s mass shooting that left nine dead at a church in South Carolina, sources confirmed today that National Rifle Association officials had already started up with their shit about what would be an even greater injustice.

CHESTER, OR—Saying there had to be some sort of logic to the string of grisly murders he had committed over the past seven years, local serial killer Christopher Palley admitted to reporters Friday that he had completely lost track of whatever pattern he had originally been going for.

WASHINGTON—Saying there were no other options remaining and that continued intervention would only prolong the nation’s suffering, experts concluded Tuesday that the best course of action is to keep the United States as comfortable as possible until the end.

ARLINGTON, VA— Following the release of a report indicating that the agency failed 95 percent of security tests, the Transportation Security Administration announced Tuesday that agents will now simply stand at airport checkpoints and remind all passengers that everybody will eventually die someday.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to limit the fallout from any unintended collateral damage, the Pentagon has dispatched a fleet of unmanned aerial vehicles to the Middle East specially designed to express condolences for the civilian casualties of U.S. drone airstrikes, sources confirmed Wednesday.

PYONGYANG—In light of the recent execution of yet another high-ranking North Korean official, newly sworn-in legislator Park Jun-seo told reporters Wednesday that he is wondering which method will eventually be used to put him to death.

BOSTON—Pinpointing the phenomenon as the single greatest predictor of human mortality, a paper published Wednesday in The New England Journal Of Medicine has found that people with deceased family members run an extremely high risk of dying t...

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JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

ELKHART, IN—Saying even the tiniest moment of leisure counted, local man Brian Rabe told reporters Sunday that he was attempting to wring every last drop of relaxation from the single day that remained of his time off from work.