2 F@&5 2 Curious

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003): Breakdown by Rantbo

Paul Walker is back to race more cars and flirt-fight with his old boyfriend, ex-supermodel, Tyrese.

[THE EXECUTION]

I knew I was in for a special kind of stupid when the first thing seen on screen is the UNIVERSAL studio logo transforming into a chrome hub-cap and bounce as though it had hydraulics. But I wouldn’t expect any less from a movie that revolves around a bunch of douche-bags driving around in ugly overpriced penis extensions.

So, Paul Walker returns as Brian O’Conner, but this time, Brian’s on the other side of the law. Apparently if you let a suspect go (and don’t think to just lie about it), you end up being one of the most wanted men in America. Alright, whatever… Eventually, Brian gets tracked down by James Remar and arrested. However, he avoids jail by striking a deal for himself and his ex butt-buddy, Roman Pearce (Tyrese). Their mission: infiltrate a cartel as drug-runners (drivers), supply information to the Feds and fall back in love with each other.

While 2 FAST is certainly a worse movie than the original, it is also about a 110% more fun. For starters, they actually race the cars around non-liner tracks and freeways. As (thankfully) someone must have pointed out, driving in a straight-line, no matter how fast, is fucking boring. Second, the main characters are like watching the gay equivalent of a 50s marriage sitcom. They switch back and forth between who is the “Lucy” and who is the “Ricky”, but in the end, it is their combined antics that make this film a classic guilty pleasure.

Also, the format, however not strikingly original, is much more fun. Which, I mean to say, it isn’t a straight rip-off of another, better movie of the same genre. Not to say they are paving new ground, hells no, but it’s just different enough from the other “Struck-A-Deal-With-The-Feds-To-Stay-Out-Of-Prison” movies and it is certainly the most pro-gay.

Like I said, the film is completely asinine, but it’s also unintentionally hilarious. For example, I give you—verbatim, the dialogue from the big ‘Heart-To-Heart’ moment of the film. This scene is placed right before the final action sequence and meant to bring it all home, and together with the men on screen, make the audience nod with much bro-love and respect:

Brian: Man—you remember us growin’ up? You know, playin’ football in the dirt, you know, all the stupid things we did… When you got busted, you know, whether I was a cop or not, you know, if there was anything I could’ve done, you know, I would have done it—I just want chu to know dat.Rome: Is that why you let that dude go in L.A.?Brian: Yeah, I think that had a lot to do with it.Rome: When I got busted—it wasn’t your fault—izz all on me. Mr.—Roman Pearce—whild’n out, crazy man. No one could tell me nutin’, ridin’ solo.Brian: Yeah, well not anymore—not anymore, bro.

Best dialogue exchange—ever. If that doesn’t bring a tear to you eye—you’re not laughing hard enough. Read it again and check out how many times Brian says “You Know?” Picture included for truly epic lulz.

So, in the end, the only true crime to spawn out of this movie, outside of more pointless cinematic dribble, is that Tyrese wasn’t brought back for the sequels. I recommend watching this with your best-bro and together, reminisce on what made you fall in friendship for one another—‘cuz that’s truly what it’s all about.

[HOW BAD-ASS ARE THE MAIN CHARACTERS?]

Paul Walker is Brian O’Conner, X-Cop

Walker is most certainly better when allowed to be as dumb as he wants to be (read as: is), and with 2FAST, clearly had carte blanche. The character is still a terrible, un-clever mix-match of other mediocre action heroes, but at least this time, he is his own brand of stupid. Brian does a bunch more crazy/moronic adrenaline-junkie douche-baggery this time around, but again, it’s nothing I couldn’t see if I just watched some reruns of mid-70s television and a random half-an-hour of MTV.

-Pulls a E-brake 180% while speeding down a freeway.
-Plays chicken at a 100 miles per hour.
-Hangs out of a car going 100 miles per hour.
-Jumps a car, Hazard County-style onto a yacht.

Tyrese Gibson is Mr. Roman Pearce, X-Boyfriend

Tyrese is a comedic genius. It’s too bad he was born so pretty, because I could easily have seen him being a classic cast member of SNL. The guy is so over-the-top into himself, that he becomes a walking parody of “cool”. He’s the type of guy that purposefully draws attention to himself in public to show everyone within eye-shot of how awesome he is, incapable of understanding everyone’s just paying attention to him because he’s an obnoxious asshole. Fueled by mock-praise. So, this really is THE perfect role for him, and it shows through in his performance as he is pretty much playing an extreme version of himself: A douche-bag shiny-car driver.

-Takes off his shirt to punch out a window (show the guys in the audience his abs) and when told: “Now put cho blouse back on!”, by Brian he responds with, “Hay-Tur!” (HAHAHA, I DIDN’T MAKE THAT UP!)
-Shoots a gun at James Remar. (that takes bawls)
-Lights some goomba’s windshield on fire.
-Sends an unmanned SUV into a cop car.
-Pulls off an Aston Martin-esque maneuver on an unwanted passenger. (see more below)
-Rides shotgun on aforementioned Hazard County-style jump.

[THE BODY COUNT: 01—I’M PRETTY SURE]

Again, it’s pretty tame and lame, but it’s what I’ve come to expect from the series after the lackluster out-putting of part one. For some reason during one of the “races”, one of the jack-off drivers decides to try and go between two semi trucks that are bottlenecking and gets his ass crushed in the process. Not only that, but he takes out his dipshit partner in the process by blocking his path with the wreckage that was his 50,000 dollar ‘investment’. I’m pretty sure there is no way the dumbass driver could have survived, so there you go.

[MOST SATISFYING ASS-KICKING]

Brian and Rome v. The Bald Biting Bitchboy

After being taken away into the woods for an easily escapable assassination scenario, Brian’s bro backs him up and together they beat up one of Cole Hauser’s lackeys. Like a bunch of girls. Seriously, there is biting, spitting and kicking while down. What a bunch of sissys. However, it was funny, so there ya go.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

A few years ago, a few friends and I went to hang out with another friend/co-worker at his house after work. Let’s call him Jeffrey, because that was his name. Jeffrey was (still is, of course) gay, as was one of his roommates. We had decided to watch a movie, and as a goof, Jeffery put on one of his adult “alone-time” videos. So, there I was, in a room with a 4 other guys, two of which were gay and with a movie playing featuring two guys buttfucking each other. And you know something? That situation was less gay than 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS.

Roman: When I needed your ass—you were nowhere to be found!

Brian: Alright Rome, I got sumthin for yer ass!

Verone: You got balls kid. [Chuckles] I can appreciate that.

As I mentioned before, the entire story revolves around Brian and Roman re-kindling their former bromance. The guys had a falling out when Brian was revealed to be a cop, shortly after Roman got busted and sent to prison for three years. And Roman blamed Brian, even though he had nothing to do with it. Love is complicated. Consequently, 80% of the film’s dialogue is unchecked tension in the form of bickering over silly inconsequential bullshit. Here are some examples:

-On the ride to meet the villain of this picture, Brian pulls the old “Stare-and-Drive” on Eva Mendes. He stares at her and—Christ, you get the picture. Proving that Rome claims rights to having pissed on the Bri-Guy Tree first, he pulls up at the stoplight next to them and says, “…he got that FROM ME!” and speeds away in a tiff. Somebody’s jealousss!

-Returning from a job, the guys follow Eva Mendez through the badguys lair and the following dialogue exchange takes place…

Rome: [Angry] What chu chekcin’ her out for?!Brian: [Guiltily] I’m not checking her out!Rome: Yes you were.Brian: No I wasn’t.Rome: I seen you checkin’ her out man!Brian: OK, I was. Now shut-up.Rome: You shut-up, don’t tell me to shut-up!Monica: Both you girlies shut-up!—Unbelievable!

I concur.

-On the way out to another meeting…

Rome: Man! It’s so hot and humid out here, I can’t even wear no draws!Brian: Man, tell me about it!

Awesome. After this, Rome has a brief heterosexual urge to look at a girl’s booty, but Bri-Dog quickly sweeps in, cups his bro’s peck and pulls him back toward the cabana boys. (see above pic)

-Here’s one more…

Brian : [Talking to Rome about another gay couple] Alright, check it out. There’s no way we gonna beat these guys straight up. We’re gonna have to pull somethin’ out of our ass. The only thing I can think of is save the spray for the way back, the return trip.

Case fucking closed.

Also, I don’t think Tyrese owns a single shirt with sleeves.

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Much like the first movie, there are plenty of half-naked hoes gyrating around like the sluts their families always hoped they would grow up to be. But, for the most part, this one is all about the boys.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

Just when I was starting to think that there would be no great, or even half cool moment or line, Tyrese pulled through. Using some old half-filled NAS canisters and a thruster button, Rome ejects his passenger side seat, passenger included, out the side of his car while doing 80 or so. Oddly, the guy ends up without a scratch, but the amusing part about the scene is just how happy Rome is with himself…