'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning.' Our journey after Beatrice

Beatrice died on 24th October aged 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day. She was buried on 2nd November. As she starts her new life as a butterfly, we are left on the ground feeling bewildered and bereft. I read a short piece at her funeral, and I stand by it:

'I often felt that being Beatrice's mum was much like holding a butterfly. I was in awe of her beauty and felt so privileged that she had chosen to come to me. But, much like a butterfly, I knew that one day she would spread her wings and fly away.

When Beatrice was one day old, a kind stranger shared this poem with me, and it sums up how I feel about Beatrice:

"A butterfly lights besides us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment its glory and beauty belongs to the world. But then it flies once again, and though we wish it could have stayed, we feel so lucky to have seen it."

I feel so lucky to have been chosen as Beatrice's mum and I truly believe that the immense grief we must now suffer is still a small price to play for the love she brought into our lives.

Goodnight Beatrice'

I still feel her love in my heart, but I am struggling without her in my arms. I miss caring for her and kissing her. Looking at her and stroking her hair. Singing to her, always singing so many songs. I haven't sung a song since she died, but I don't want the music to leave my life as it means I have let the grief win.

Fly high little butterfly, but please don't forget all of us left behind who hold you, still so fragile, in our hearts and memories. Please don't forget me, Beatrice x

Still no word from the geneticist, but I have put it to the back if my mind.

We are off to the hospice tomorrow for our last bereaved parents group. We have to take an object that means a lot to us. There are so many, but I think I'll take her stripy blanket, because that saw her through from day one until the end. I still cuddle it now so her smell is long gone, but I still love it.

I miss her this evening. Out of the blue I've been crying for no special reason. I just... miss her.

Tonight I was looking at early photos of Beatrice and I was smiling away, because she was so cute and so beautiful. But then like a switch being flicked, I was suddenly in floods of tears, because she's not here anymore and it just doesn't seem real.

I saw a quote earlier which I love:

I wish you were here, but you're not. You're there.And there doesn't know how lucky it is.

It's knowing that she trusted me to make everything right, because that was my job as her mummy. It's knowing she thought I'd never leave her, because I was always there. It's wondering if she's scared without me. It's kissing my dds goodnight, and worrying if she can sleep without her musical bunny or her night light. It's knowing that however long I live, I'll never see those beautiful eyes, or feel her soft hand in mine. It's accepting that good things will happen in the future, but that 100% happiness will never be mine. It's putting on my happy face each morning, as people except to see it. It's playing a role, each and every day. It's crawling into bed exhausted with the effort of surviving. It's lonely without you. So lonely without my girl xxx

No words to say really except that you, Bea and the teaset are all in my thoughts so often. Bea came into your lives not long before I became a mum myself, and I think following your journey, and reading about Bea, well it just made me appreciate my daughter and the wonderful gift of being a mum even more than I would have done before. I feel like I know her, even though I never met her, and I know I'll never forget her.

So, Beatrice is going to be a big sister. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant and still coming to terms with it. I am looking forward to being a new mum again, but utterly terrified of what the future might bring.When I told the girls, they were so happy, with huge smiles on their faces. Dd2 asked, 'Mummy, please can this baby be healthy so we can keep it? Because we didn't get to have Beatrice for very long.' I told her I'm doing my best...