On tonight's two-hour finale of The Apprentice, evil, parasitic hairpiece host Donald Trump will finally anoint either low-key Bill Rancic or catatonic broker Kwame Jackson to run one of his many companies. Our money's on Bill, who'll be presented with a desk plaque reading "Bill Rancic, Chief Executive Officer, Trump Skank Procurement Industries" and immediately stashed on a card table by the copier that no one can figure out how to un-jam.

Runner-up Kwame will no doubt return to his broker job at Goldman Sachs, where he can continue his streak of 1,322 games of Free Cell without a victory. But he's always in it right up until the end.

The real winners of The Apprentice were newly-minted seminude figure models Amy Henry, Katrina Campins, Kristi Frank, and Ereka Vetrini, who invested their personal capital in the booming lad mag industry for FHM magazine. If you look really closely, you can almost see Katrina's bullet points.

One thing is for certain: Nobody's paying Omarosa to take it off and show her "pots n' kettles" to the public. This is admittedly fake (link NSFW), and serves as a warning to any precocious editors that might be tempted to show us her softer side.