Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Cloudy with a Chance of Depression

If acceptance really is the first stage to recovery, then what comes after?

I’ve long since accepted the state that my mind has me in when I’m alone, when I’m with friends, family, people, first thing in the morning, in the middle of the day, late at night, at dusk, at dawn, everywhere and every goddamn time.

It’s like a shadow that follows me around even when there is no light. Except it’s all in my head, trapped beneath my skin, amplified by my hormones, rattling my nerves. My entire being is constantly brought down by this dark cloud that hovers over me, that rains only on me while the sun shines on everyone else. I see the sun. I long for its warmth, sometimes I even feel some of it. I would love to bask in its rays but the evil floating cloud gets in the way.

Nothing is going particularly wrong. Nothing so terrible has shaken my world. Nothing turns to everything and everything is blown out of proportion.

Self-awareness and too much observation has led me to the realization (and acceptance) that this is a purely personal, internal struggle. That something is wrong. With me.

Acceptance, check. What then? Then what?

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There’s nothing wrong with you. Most people go through the same thing. We all have our personal demons and skeletons in the closet, and yes it is extremely difficult to have a perky and sunny disposition, i guess some people are born like that, its inate for them, but just cause youre a gloomy person and you have personal struggles does’nt mean somethings wrong with you, it just means that you’re human, we are not perfect, nobody is, even the perky ones arent perfect. We think, we feel, we question everything, your mind is your gift, and you cant tell your gift not to function, it just does. i guess what im trying to say here is, if you cant find the “sunny” disposition within you, then try to see it in others, or better yet show or be that person to others instead, use the karma effect, try to have people rub off on you and try rubbing off the positive side of you to others.