Your Blogging Staff

Contributing to this blog:
- "Dave" is Dave Barry, who is a humor columnist and presidential contender.
- "judi" is Judi Smith, who is Dave's Research Department, as well as being interested in men.
- "Walter" is Walter, a bone from the penis of a walrus.

Listen, Jimmy -- oh, all right, James -- Listen, I got this great gig for you, these Chinese blokes came up with a gadget you strap on a dog's ass and it collects all the poop, and they want you to do a little something for them, something nice and quaint with pan pipes and a nice oboe sound to it, and -- What?? Listen, Jimmy -- James, you know the phone hasn't exactly been ringing off the hook since "Titanic", and it's only a couple minutes long, you can do it in your sleep -- Maybe something Britishy, you know, Vaughan Williams, people are starting to get tired of you always quoting Nevsky and Carmina Burana -- OK, send it by as soon as you can -- yes, yes, usual rates -- OK, great! Thanks, Jimmy...

Liquid Nails™, properly applied, is also a solution to this problem. Please note that side effects include headache, flu-like symptoms, redness around the injection site, and sudden explosive decompression. Void where prohibited by law.

Some dog owners would be like the parents in the news some time back who were cited for child neglect because instead of changing the kids' disposable diapers they'd put duct tape around the legs to keep them from leaking. Kids looked like they were wearing hockey pants.

So I can imagine dogs walking around with one of those disposable things stretched to the max and beyond... no thanks.

I have thought about wearing a poop bag, but I would be more interested in one of those condom catheters to collect urine. I could go to the movies, drink a 48 oz soda, and not have to get up and pee during the good parts of the movie.

Erb, there was a comedian worked that angle. Talked about a friend who wore Depends, not because he needed to, he was just a lazy b*stard. Case of beer, case of Depends, he could watch football all day Sunday and never get up from the recliner.

The thought occured to me a few years ago at a U2 concert. I had a seat (or a spot) near the front. I knew that if I left to use the restroom, I would never get my seat back due to the throng of people that would fill the space. I will not mention the alternative option that I chose.