(Closed) I can't stand my stepmom rant

The back story is that my parents divorced when I was little, my mom moved five hours away to be with family with us and my dad stayed at his job, got remarried and then several years after that divorced his second wife because he was having an affair. He and his mistress have now been married for a few years, he’s adopted her kids, and she hates me.

I find this digusting, because I have had such a horrible relationship with my father since he started being with her. Firstly, he had an affair which I had to forgive him for. I’m still in contact with his second wife because she’s a good friend and I’ve now known her around 15 years. Secondly, I grew up in near poverty and his two ‘new’ kids (whose dad hasn’t been in their lives since they were very little) have everything handed to them. Things he didn’t have money for for my brother and I, they new kids get. I grew up with my mom’s abusive boyfriend and have developed severe mental health problems that I’ve since gotten under control after years of therapy and they grew up with the dad I never had. I am so happy for them, because I wouldn’t want them to go through what I went through, but it is so hard to not be upset at my dad when I ask him for help and he says “I don’t have enough money” and I find out he got a $2-3k/month raise at work and his wife just started working and has a really nice job.

At one point, I had to stay at my grandma’s to visit with my dad because I was “forbidden” from staying at their house because I told her that I was upset my dad wasn’t the best father growing up. I had to apologize. She didn’t come up for mine or my brother’s graduation. Whenever we visit, she comes up with excuses to not be around and generally make us feel like we’ve done something wrong so she doesn’t want to be around us.

So now that I’ve gotten my life in order and am in a stable, loving relationship and told my dad we’re getting married she’s deleted me on facebook. Now, I’m 100% sure she’s not coming to my wedding reception, but deleting me is a childish thing to do, which I was honestly surprised she didn’t do earlier. But it’s like “Oh you’re getting married? Well f you for not doing what I had planned for your life.”

My dad is more or less too busy with his new family to do much with us (I can honestly only contact him while he’s at work because he’s too busy with his family during nights and weekends to answer the phone) and I’m pretty sure it’s at least partially his wife controlling him. I was hoping to come down and see their new house, but now I’m just so through with the situation. I love my dad, and he can be a good father and listens to me when I need it, and I know he’s trying to make up for being a bad dad to us by being a good dad to his new kids, but it just sucks.

I don’t understand women who are jealous of their husband’s kids. I don’t understand how you could ever discourage your husband from having relationships with his kids. Before her, he was so much more involved. We actually went on vacations together and he made us a priority. My heart is just broken because I just don’t see my relationship with my stepmom being fixed, and until it is, my relationship with my dad is strained.

I was in counseling a couple years. My dad doesn’t believe in it (hilarious as I’m going to school to become a counselor) and with both his previous marriage went to couples counseling and decided they were against him (because they agreed with the wife that sleeping with other people isn’t okay) and my stepmom has been in therapy for longer than I have and has dramatic issues with her whole family.

That and they live 5 hours away. I’m just disappointed. I can’t imagine being so immature and selfish after going through so much. I know I’m also directing a lot of frustration at her, because I don’t want to be mad at my dad. He should stand up more for his kids.

I think I’m going to call him and just voice my concerns about my relationship with him and how I need more from him as a father and he needs to really take care of his kids too.

Maybe you should sit down with your Dad on skype or something, so he could see your face? That might be better. and then I’d talk about the wedding. How you hope he will walk you down the asile…Daddy Daughter dance…The good stuff. And slowly work into the feelings you’ve had lately, mentioning how you’d love a btter relationship with your younger siblings…I think really if you make the effort to talk about everyone being an actua; family…Your Dad will look at the conversation asan actual talk and less about how in his mind you are blaming things on him.

I dont know him at all and only you can say if that would work. But maybe it couldnt hurt to try.

He’s not big on technology, and I can only get a hold of him while he’s at work. But I may bring up some of those things.

This is partially why I’m having a private ceremony with me, my hubby, his daughter, our witnesses, the officiant (our friend), and the photographer (possibly his second wife haha). There is no father-daughter dance or walk down the aisle, and he doesn’t seem too surprised or upset by it. When I told him, he didn’t really reply about being involved in the wedding, so at most I imagine he’ll come up for a reception with my grandma.

I have low, low expectations. If my stepmom and her kids showed, I would be shocked and probably extremely stressed out. At this point, I don’t really want her there.

@glittermoon: It’s ok. I personally know a woman kinda like your Stepmother. She is fine when my friend does for HER adults daughters but is angry when he does for HIS child, a child of his widow whome he was married to for over 30 years.

All I can see is jealousy and insecurity for her part. It’s a shame that your dad is being manipulated. However one day maybe he will see the light. My friend is getting fedup with his wife and is ready to kick her out. Maybe one day your dad will wise up and kcik her to the curb.

Can you ask your dad to go out one night one evening and spend some QT time together, just you and your brother??

The ONLY reason I was nice to her when they were married was because she got pregnant with my brother. I seriously hope something bad happens to her because she is an evil person. I actually eloped because I did not want her at my wedding. They divorced the next year.

I wish I would have stood my ground back then instead of being the “better” person. It’s one thing to be civil, but I don’t know that I would have gone out of my way anymore. F THAT.

She may come and go, but you’ll always be his daughter. I unfortunately waited too long to tell my dad how I felt (after they announced the split) and I think if I would have much earlier, our relationship would have been better. Good luck.

I talked to my dad for about an hour about everything. He agrees he needs to talk to his wife about how she deals with her insecurities and her stress. Basically, she pushes me away because she doesn’t want me to make the same mistakes she did, so whenever I do something she doesn’t agree with, she just removes herself from the situation. She has a TON of baggage from her first abusive marriage, plus family stuff, so she has more or less deleted me from her life so she doesn’t worry about my life choices too. It’s rather backwards, but her methods of coping are not ideal and my dad agrees with that.

My dad will be coming to my wedding reception, but she will not because she’s still dealing with my life choice to get married quickly and we agree it’s best for her to not deal with this right now. We’re still working on visiting arrangements, but my dad does want to see my brother and I. It was really important for me to just let it all out and have my dad apologize and agree that things need to change.

So thank you all for your support. As much as she is stressful, I don’t want her and my dad to divorce because I’ve already gone through two, I don’t want her children to go through that, and I don’t want her to go through that either. My dad and I both want my stepmom and I to have no drama, and he recognizes that she is a large, large part of it, and is working on communicating with her about it.