Why Women Should Bow Out of Hookup Culture

YourBest Year Ever continues! All throughout October, clinical psychologist Dr. Wendy Walsh will help you untangle your heartstrings with just the right amount of tough (science-backed) love.

Shoulder pads are what I remember best about the '80s. That sewn-in foam was fashion's nod to the shape-shifting workplace. Men were our ubiquitous role models for how to succeed in the workplace, and so our at-work fashion became, well, manly.

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When there isn't a road map, pioneers follow the known stars until they feel safe enough to chart their own course. And that's where I think we are in the sexual revolution—finally charting our own course. Progressive women are coming to terms with the fact that sexual freedom isn't about adopting a male model of sexuality. After swinging from chandeliers with the best of the boys' club—and suffering the female hangover of an imagined walk of shame or a very real pregnancy, UTI, STD, or broken heart—the reality has hit: Hookup culture benefits men a whole lot more than women.

The data is clear on that. While a small population of high-testosterone women (estimated to be 4 percent) prefer short-term relationships and don't seem to fall under the spell of post-coitus dopamine and oxytocin, most women are vulnerable to biological bonding. Research shows that not only do women fall in love faster than men, but they report more negative feelings after a hookup. Unfair? Sure. Manageable? Of course. Just like shoulder pads once hid our tender body frames, hookup culture has disguised the reality of female sexuality.

As I wrote in The 30-Day Love Detox: "Women's sexuality tends to be responsive, meaning that we respond to sexual opportunity, rather than seek it out to fulfill some kind of necessary quota. When women meet someone they are attracted to, their sexual responses turn on. When they break up from a sexual relationship, they aren't as likely as men to replace that relationship with daily masturbation or pornography." And then: "Women's sexuality is a complicated mix of psychology, social conditioning, and biology. Men's sexuality is closer to basic plumbing."

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So what is female sexual freedom? The answer is simple: Freedom is the ability to behave as an individual, free from cultural dictates. For some women, real female sexual power is the ability to wait until a man's true intentions are revealed and a mutually satisfactory arrangement is reached. Those women are delaying the onset of the sexual relationship in order to build the real glue of love: emotional intimacy. Other vigilantes are modern-day virgins or born-again virgins who never felt comfortable with casual sex. Still others are having sex on their own terms, understanding and using the new language of sexual consent, and having a rocking time.

The key is forgetting about old-fashioned literature like The Rules and doing what's right for you. Oh, and leaving shoulder pads where the belong: in the past.