Sunday, October 21, 2007

I have been trying to write somin down since last week but mennnnn,the traffic at work has been crazy. Its like my enemies want to gather together and remove me from blogville but Holy Ghost will not allow them. Can I hear an Amen?... lol! I mean, it's so bad that once I get home like 11pm (I am not doing shift its Nigerian factor sha , when my working hours should have been 9-5;) I rush to bed as if I am trying to keep an appointment and I can hardly open the PC to drop a message here, there or stalk my favorites bloggers!

Lawd have mercy!

Shakira is almost the most popular person on earth now o, went to the market on Saturday morning and I saw 5 kids all wearing pants and guess what they were doing ? Singing 'hips don't lie' Oh my God! Come and hear me-rix because it is definitely not re-mixed. Ti Shakira ba gbo orin yen men, she will be confused! You need to listen to the me-rix o, it was bloody…lol!

Before I deviate from today's main gist, My niece and nephew made me watch Barney and Friends the other day and somin struck a cord. You see It is compulsory for their favorite aunty to watch all those cartoons with them ; Power Puff Girls, ed, edd and eddie, Samorai Jack, Balamory , Code Name; Kids Next Door,etc all those scruffy looking characters o.Come to think of it ,where is Voltron Force fine boy? Where is fluffy Superted? Or better still breath taking Aladdin abi na Tarzan in the jungle- the hunk? Infact, I can say I watch cartoon more than I see normal movies, courtesy of my people.

Sha there was this song Barney sang and it goes like this;

'What I wanna be? ………When I grow up to be Big ME'

The song took me down memory lane of what I wanted to be and I discovered that what I am today is entirely different from what I had in mind.

Let me start from the very beginning…………………………

Yours truly started reading Mills & Boons so early in life. My elder sister use to read it as if her life depends on it. So whenever she comes home, I steal the book and read in the toilet for fear of being caught in the act. Then I fantasize that I will be like one of the heroine when I grow up. That I will just meet a guy who will 'drive' up to me and tell me I have the most beautiful blue dreamy eyes , fall in love and live happily ever after. I wonder why all that never happened. i mean, if a car packs beside me now, the first thought that comes to my head is "this is a ritual killer, dem wan use me do otumokpo(jazz)! Lol .I dreamt all day that I will publish my story too of how my knight in shinny armor rescued me from a trouble then carried me away to the 7 th heaven where there is no mention of work, traffic, stress children etc. but here I am and all those M & B stuff has never happened to me!

Why oh Why oohhhhh Why? Lol!

I grew up in a G.R.A where the motto is every man to his tent. But there is woman that trips me in our neighborhood. She used to drive a black Peugeot 504 then and she smokes. I mean I just get excited whenever she drives through my street with cigarette in her mouth and I made up my mind to be like her. I mean drive a black Peugeot 504 and smoke too so that people can feel my effect on my street. I tried the smoking once sha but no be with real cigar o I used mat and nylon! I still have a scar on my leg as the nylon melted and dripped on my leg and I never tried it again!...lol ! But how will you feel if I come to your house in a Peugeot 504 in this day and age? I am sure you will give me the boots. Who wants to befriend an old school?

I had planned also that when I grow up I will date a Capo in school…lol! Don't know where the thoughts came from sha! Weird se? Not just a cult boy o but the leader of the cult group… the capo de tuti himself! I wanted people to fear and respect me. Mere mentioning of yours truly's name should send shivers down people's spine. What the heck was I thinking? Lol .I am sure it was too much M & Bs and James Hadley Chase books o but here I am, never knew a Capo not to talk of dating one.

The only way I could have achieved the feat above was to be a cult member myself. I wanted to be the head of the female cult group so that I can date the leader of the male cult group and we will both form the formidable team? I don kolo for real o...lol! Lady Yours truly, and every one will run for cover in fear when I am around ….. Here I am totally in a different direction from my absurd dream!

Saw this video over the weekend and i need to share with you. You know that not everyone that walks on the street is normal so when you are wearing those tank tops and minis, Remember this lunatic!

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Today is for first time of almost everything in my life. Guess the list is inexhuastive as I am still breathing and there will definitely be more of that as I tread along planet earth (or Pluto...laughs!)

Ok quick background check of my self. I grew up very fast, I mean by age 9 I had almost all the features of being a young woman and was almost an adolescent. I was bigger than my brother, who was 2 years older than I and growing up was pretty fast for yours truly.The first time I wore a bra , I was 8 yrs 5 months (pretty fast se, I was in primary school?) and they weren’t the size of lime fruit ooo, my boobs were big . You remember those days that girlsjust wear their school uniforms over their panties and or the big girls wears ‘vest’ or ‘singlets’ (or shimi).Yours truly was already a proud owner of strapless bras(they were not padded ones….lol). The funny thing was that I couldn’t even remember the make of those bras guess because I was very young.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The first time I saw grandmother red………. I was 9 years old . You see I am the last born of my family and I was a sort of tomboy. All my friends were guys and I climb trees a lot. It was during the holidays and I was on the tree as usual with my buddies when I felt wetness in my pants. I went to check it out and when I saw blood I called my buddies for an inspection and diagnosis. They all ran away thinking I had wounded my self during the tree climbing process. I cried home and met my brother(boys they say will always be boys) who organized a sanitary towel for me and I went back to my buddies with the full gist of what happened and everyone of us checked my panties every 30minutes for new stuff(crazy se?lawl!!!!!!!!!!!!). My mum was in the UK then and when she was told that her baby had started seeing her monthly stuff she called me for a training session on the phone……don’t touch boys, cut off the relationship with all your buddies blah blah blah. Trust yours truly now, I relayed every message to my peeps and concluded it with if any of them smile at me na belle ooo….lol.The funny part was that i never knew how to monitor my cycle all because I was very young. Was later taken to the hospital cos my parents were not comfortable with the age thing and the doctor said I will start my menopause early ( so I should be encouraged to must marry early!) but here I am 19 years after still single like letter I but mumsy reminds me whenever she has the opportunity (lol).------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My first day in secondary school, I cried all day as I was a big baby ( and that was the trend thru out my first term). My classmate felt I was very old as they were still in their pants whereas your truly was a bra wearing J.S.S 1 student ….. funny oo . How many people will I tell that I was just going to be 10 years old? I was the last student on my class roll during the assembly cos I was bigggggggggg. The thought of this embarrassment almost made me to stop school oo (that was deinately a pretty joke because of Mumsy------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The first time I bought some set of pants for my self was awesome and unforgettable. You see my mum used to buy pants for me o and she buys boxers (lol!) You know those kinds of pants that start from the stomach and ends around your thighs….lol. She says a lady's pants must cover all. So the first time I bought one for my self ...........hmmmmm,it was a g-string/thong (laughs!) in defiance to my mum. The first time I wore it I was looking all around me because I felt naked thot every one saw my butts (after wearing boxer for almost 20years…what else would you expect?) I just wish you can see the look on my mother’s face anytime she sees me wears those gees (lol) ..but as 2face sang; ’ as you see me so I NO SEND U ooo’ any more. Laughs!------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The first time I made ‘Amala’….. I still have the scars on my leg . Men it was horrible I poured the whole mixture on my legs while trying to turn it .Funny now when I think of it but aint funny then because I cried so much.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The first time I was robbed (will definitely be the last time in Jesus name, even the thot alone makes me shudder!). The gang leader asked me for my bag and my gullible self tried to look up at him to explain that another fella had it. Mennnnnn the guy landed me a slap between my right eye and cheekbone (I guess the guy wore a ring or somin) because ordinary slap shouldn’t be as destructive as that (lol). I saw the popular stars that we see in cartoons and I couldn’ t see with the eye for a week. I mean if ordinary light rays reflects near the eye, head ache will start immediately. It was a terrible experience.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The first time I boarded a plane? It was terrifying, just 45mins but my eardrum was practically blocked for the whole journey. But I survived and I am used to it now.Train nko? Spent three days from Ibadan to Abeokuta (a 45mins trip on a normal day). I had fun sha but the memory was a bit blurred as I was rather small.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The first time on a pedestrian bridge, I was just reciting our Lord’s prayers till I crossed over. Still scared of the stuff till now. My style is to stare ahead and not look down before I go summersault inside express road.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The first time grandmother red refused to show face….. my mama hala no be small. Na me carry my mouth go tell say I no see my visitor ooo .I knew say I no get belle as I had heeded her advice to run away from boys. She ranted and screamed murder, fire and brimstone then concluded that we were going to see the doctor the following day. I think the shout forced grandma to show face that same day ooo (im dey too fear my mama abi…lol!)-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My first day at work, I woke up by 3am after a sleepless nite, sha managed to roll on the bed till 6am then I wore my clothes ( over dressed oo) and resumed to the office only to see people whispering about me. It was later that I was told that I dressed like an undergraduate having been selecting and re-selecting the clothes 2 weeks before resumption.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The first time I went to a nite party was hilarious. I went with my gurls and we came back to the hostel around 3am and we had to ‘scale’ the fence. Everyone climbed without an itch but na yours truly scatter everything. As I tried to jump through, my skirt caught the iron whatever on the fence and my hand slipped. Next thing na gbosa I hear for ground , I screamed and my hostel matron heard the noise. I had to manage to climb thru fast before she catches me as she would have reported me to my mum (them be close paddy). The following day she called a meeting and started sparking face, blah blah blah and that why can’t any of the girls be like me( can you imagine!) who is a quiet girl and always avoiding trouble. If looks could kill I wouldn’t have been alive today as those girls were just eyeing me.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first time I kissed……I opened my mouth wide as if i was the predator trying to eat up my prey. But I am much better now (definitely at my age and size now ….lol). Abi you want proof?-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My first crush…. The boy was feeling me too (or so I thot) but we were too young to do any thing about it. He is just too fine( I mean after so many years I now heard he has 4 kids by 4 different women who are all older than him ……I no lie oo) I always walk tall and proud that the most handsome boy in school could feel me. Do you know we never dated? It is now that I realized that maybe all he felt for me was pity for falling for him …………..lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, October 01, 2007

I travelled to the eastern part of naija some weeks back for a friend's wedding and i decided to go by road partly because yours truly was broke and also because i don't bloody know anywhere in naija.( travelling by air doesn't help matters). Sha i boarded the car (was scared of those luxury buses) and the woman beside me led us to pray and could you believe that we did the prayer session for 90minutes ( i mean one and a half hours!) i had joined in the prayers initially as i was afraid of winch people too but at a point i started getting distracted and i didn't want to show it before it will turn to a deliverance session for me. Most of the prayers were like this ; "Father, konqual (conquer) every evil on the way, on the driver, every other passenger in Jesus name" Don't get me wrong, its good to pray infact i am a God-fearng person but praying for 90mins out of the 360minutes of the journey wetin remain? lol!

A client came to the office the other day ( you know all these pretty boxed up mallams, well educated and handsome? hmmm exactly the picture in your head) sha i learnt he drove in with the latest Toyota Avalon and my security man whispered to me in heavly accented yoruba; 'anti, inu oko yen dabi parlour ni oo' ( aunty, the car interior looks as if it is a proper living room with settee) i laughed and commented to the customer about his car, guess his response? .................... dear, let me come and pick you on sunday to show you the interiors! Arrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh, when the car is outside my office premises and i can see it just by peeping through the window,why wait till sunday ? will i be able to take it home afterwards? My people, please search me o.

Who can help me log on to http://www.mnetafrica.com/ and play the deal or no deal game show for me? i need the 100,000usd fast we will share the money 60-40. fair enough?

I need someone to help me tell multichoice to do this channel shuffle thing during the day time in naija, cos i took time to watch the action plan over the weekend and i learnt that it will take place on 4th October 2007 by 2am naija time and also the decoder must be powered on for the download to be successful. Iam sure they have forgotten the naija factor! PHCN/NEPA. Any thing can and will happen on that day,i am so sure of it(can bet my October salary on it self). I suggest it is done during the daytime here so that we can use our generators ooo and assist them to help us do the shuffle. abi what do you feel?

How come my stomach is not as flat as a dining table? I urgently need a flat tommy (please) don't give the me the exercise story, I lack the zeal and zest for continuity.( You get what i mean ? )

The above reminded me of a pill i read online and i ordered for . Actually i wanted to slim down without exercising or cutting back my chocolate and ice cream intake. sha i got the pill and it was as big as a Size AA battery(1.5volts) and on the container was the inscription;

Recommended for people that wants to slim down but don't want to cut down their food intakein other words it was for 'alajenus' (gluttons.....lol)

sha, the dosage was 2 tablets (can i call it tablets?) by 11am then another 2 by 3pm daily for the next 60days. (dem wan kill person? swallowing like 4 battries daily can send one to a coma now...........laughs) but becos i had plans i used the drug judiciously for the first 2 weeks of purchase and stopped after that.

The reason why i stopped? hmmmm long story o. i am not a breakfast person normally just take coffee in the morning and i take doughnut and soda in the afternoon (not ordinary doughnuts ooo, the one with chocolate toppings or heavily laced with jam......no abuse me at all can't help myself) but sha i noticed that anytime i take these 'batteries' i must eat in the morning i mean food not snack and i am always starving by afternoon and by the end of the 2 weeks i added like 4kg instead of going down.

I am sure the drug was made by jokers and for other jokers for a big loud joke . It was really crazy.

But if you want to slim down i still have 2 new bottles of these batteries for your consumption.Let me know if you are interested because i will also pay for the shipping (what are friends for ? lol)