TSA's Brave Veterans of War on Terror Excluded From Memorial Day Parade

May 30, 2011
Kansas City, Missouri

Today's parade to honor America's veterans took an ugly turn. Over 100 TSA Veterans arrived before 6 A.M. to line up with their counterparts from the Army, Navy, Marine Corps, Air Force, and Coast Guard, but event organizers refused to let them march in the parade. "This is a tragesty of the highest order," said television personality Sarah Palin, "Those brave men and women risk their lives every day to protect our freedoms and they deserve to be honored."

"I just wanted to ride the float," said TSA Agent Sandy Brook, a veteran of three tours, "I wanted my kids to see me up there and to realize how important my job really is." Instead, Brook stood on the parade route and watched like an ordinary civilian. Shortly before the parade was to begin, messages of outrage spread like wildfire across social-media sites such as Twitter and Facebook. "TSA R 4 R FREEDOMZ. BOO," said Twitter user Ernhart4evr.

Mounting pressure forced Army Colonel Dave Brubeck, the parade's commander, to change his plans. TSA Agents headed to the last parade float before it set off on its 6 mile journey through the heart of Kansas City. However, the brave agents were subjected to a complete strip search before they were allowed to board the float. Dozens of TSA Agents stripped down to their underwear and were patted down in front of hundreds of onlookers.

"I can't believe they made me take my clothes off with all these people around," said TSA Agent Fred Merkin, "after all the sacrifices I made for my country, all the balls I had to touch, this is how they repay me?"

Colonel Brubeck maintained that the security measures were necessary to ensure the safety of the parade floats. When asked if the measures were too extreme, Brubeck said, "Absolutely not. We couldn't in good conscience allow someone on a parade float without making sure they didn't have guns, knives, forks, nail clippers, liquids, overly spiky hair, fake boobs, unpatriotic thoughts, or BMs that are just about ready."

Just when you thought America fully supported her troops, something like this happens. Lawmakers in Washington are considering the creation of a new holiday specifically for the TSA. "We're calling it Freedom Remembrance Day," said Congressman John Stifee (R-OH), "it'll be that day we all take a minute to remember that thing called freedom."