Aunty Bella: Miss. He’s Just Not Into Me

Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.

We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

*** The guy in question was introduced by my friend and what my friend told me was that she used my pics on her DP then he requested for my number. Then my friend told me and I said she can give my number. He called me and we spoke well – even joked liked we have met.

Afterwards we started chatting, but I realise we chat once in a while. I mostly initiate the chat and he replies well, but he doesn’t call anymore. The problem is that have grown to like him and I can’t seem to forget about him but I keep doing the chasing and calling. At first I never really paid too much attention to him because I haven’t seen him and didn’t want to be disappointed, but later changed towards him because my friend said he got out of a bad relationship- that his girl left him. So, I was gentle and kept initiating chat. I ask questions and he replies well but that is all. If I don’t chat him up or call we might not get to talk for weeks. It’s now getting to ten months and I don’t want to continue like this. I asked him about his relationship status he said he isn’t in any. Although he said we should meet, I told him it’s when I come back home because of the long distance. I don’t know what to do again because of the way things are. I have never been this hung up on a guy. I’m a girl that has never been in any serious relationship because I like my freedom, that is why I do long distance relationship, but now I’m a graduate currently serving in the North(Sokoto) but resides in the south-south – the same place as him and my girlfriend but haven’t gone home since I was posted to the North because of the distance.

I need advice. Is it because we have not seen one on one or he’s just not that into me, because I believe if a guy is interested he should do the chasing. I have met other guys but I can’t seem to forget this guy and move on. Please what do I do? I am 25 years old who want to have serious relationship. I’m tired of hearing about my friends’ love lives; my mum complains about me not bringing who I’m dating for her to know – because in our hometown any girl of my age should be preparing for wedding and payment of brideprice by the groom – which is also one of the reason I didn’t go home. My mum’s issue is the least of my worries but I want to have a happy relationship. Please, I need help.

I don’t understand your mumu men comment. If anything, it is the writer who has issues going from zero to a hundred…real quick. Why do so many women assuming that any guy that approaches them wants a relationship and marriage? Can’t he just want to be friends? Shouldn’t you want to be friends first before jumping into a relationship or marriage? Nigerian women can be so desperate sometimes it’s sickening. Writer, you’re 25. Go out, make new friends, and have fun.

Please leave him alone and move on with your life. The only regret you will have after you come to your senses, is the time you wasted chasing the guy. And the emotional torture. Honey please move on with your life. “He is not that into you”

It’s hard I know but you just have to force yourself to stop “liking” him. Because of his past relationship I know you want to be his saviour and nurturer. Hol it right there. He will sort himself out because he is not that into you. I feel like you know deep down but just need assurance or confirmation of some sort. You are 25. You want a serious relationship. Oya waka dey go, another hunk will find you. There are many fishes in the ocean this one is not your fish.

Story of the pursuer and the runner – In relationships generally, you will either be the one always chasing love (Pursuer) or you’ll be the one always fleeing from it , feeling controlled and smothered by love (Runner) Poster, you already know your place in this assertion. My suggestion,’…Never lose yourself trying to keep someone else’’……a flower does not wait for the bees to come…..it BLOSSOMS and the bees COME. At 25, I expect you to stop waiting for people to choose you when you can choose yourself. #Blossom #chooseyou

Another stupid girl dying over a beast. Keep forcing yourself on him. when he starts beating and cheating on u, don’t come here to tell us. Stupid mothers pressurizing their children like they enjoyed their marriage to the beasts they married.

Sometime last year, I was sort of in your shoes too. I liked this guy who was in US and I was in Nigeria then. I was the one initiating calls too, funny thing was we could speak on the phone for almost an hour or more sef but he hardly did the calling. When It occurred to me that I had made myself the pursuer in the friendship I stopped calling him. Since November last year till date, you won’t believe he hasn’t called me. It certainly dawned on me that he wasn’t into me. It can be hard to come to such a conclusion but it is healthier. How did i forget him? I started my Masters program. The workload alone won’t even let me be tempted to call him. My advice to you is, find something doing. Something educating, inspiring or adventurous. Before you know it, time has passed and someone better has come along. Cheers!

My dear stop chasing after him just leave him alone, he is not just into you.Wait prayerfully for the right guy. i did that and now i found the love of my life at 30. and i am very happy that i found him

You know, the fact that he asked for your number does not necessarily mean he wants to start a relationship with you. So you are at fault for assuming there could be something more. If he just came out of a bad relationship, maybe he just needs a friend? And he’s probably withdrawn because you are getting attached and he doesn’t want you to start getting ideas.

Uve said it,”he’s not that into you!” Babe this guy asked for your contact , allow him act like it or swerve! Never chase a man because you’ll make him emotionally lazy. If a man wants you, he’ll come and get you. You’ve probably come off as being desperate and he slowed down. You’ve not even met the guy in question and you’re madly in love? Haba madam. I met this guy on facebook (we attended the same uni bt never really met) he hardly said hi after asking for my pin and sending an invite. I freed him until i got tired and quietly deleted him. Another one i met recently (online again! LOL) says hi fron time to time. He’s in lag and i’m in kd. We have mutual friends tho. He keeps sayin he likes me and all bt i let him do d chasing, we r getting closer with time but i’m not dating him until i see him and he outrightly asks me out! Know your worth and add taxes to it!!!

Whats this growing trend of ”demonizing” men? . Anyways poster, don’t stress too much and stop looking for love in the wrong places. Give the guy some space and if he doesn’t come along then take a walk. Cheers.

Those two have been at it for a while. Just ignore them. I’ve never been in a bad relationship with Nigerian men, they never work out for some other reasons. Hadiza and Real Nigerian obviously have been in bad situations and they honestly just need help.

Please move on, he is not into you at all, I was almost in your kind of situation. Once I noticed I was always the one initiating conversation, I gave myself brain especially since I had started to catch feelings, I started to unlike him. What we do now is exchange general messages. No hard feelings at all, soldier go…soldier come

Awww, but he never said he wasn’t into you he may just not be a big talker // let him show by his actions 😀

but how are you sure that you want to marry him? what has he done to merit your attention like this, ehn? just try, try, try and take it slow and keep your eyes open. he may be wonderful or he may be a goat, you don’t know yet. Good luck.

I feel you @poster………….sometimes not easy letting go when you like someone. You may have to be hard on yourself. Just be deleting his contact small small. Delete his bb pin, number and let him look for you. If he doesnt, just move on…ABEG. I no say e no easy but try.

Sigh…this reminds me of the conversations I used to have with my father.

I would be sad and say ‘ Dad why am I still single.’. and he would reply… why are you not busy? hahahahaha..

men and women ,, stay busy and stay living your life…the fact that as women we find ourselves having to ask if the ‘guy is really into you’ haba clearly he isn’t…Iyanla Vanzart once said why you trying to love someone who clearly ain’t trying to love you…

are you able to accept your life alone? thats what you really need to ask yourself.

Read the recent Chimananda’s article on Feminism. Should help you lots. Then always look at the actions of people around you. Human beings say all sorts but their actions ALWAYS give away their true intentions. The dude is simply not keen. Unlike him and move right along. You’re just stringing yourself along and risking unnecessary hurt in the process. 0/10 do not recommend.

Well, the signs are clear. He is not into you. Don’t make any further attempt to contact him. Pray to God, get busy, get a life and God will surprise you.

I was in your situation some months back. I was dating a man I thought I was going to get married to. I have met his family and all the necessary people, Untill I realized he doesn’t even know my parents or siblings. If he cannot reach me , he doesn’t have the contact of anyone close to me. He doesn’t take the initiative to visit me, call or plan a date, and if I plan any date, He comes up with a plan to do some stuffs for his family or friends. No one told me before I stopped contacting him and till date he hasn’t said a word.

Let me add that I called once to confirm he was alive and well and he is When a man loves you he will make time for you.

Dear BellaNaija, it is MADMAN writing here. Please I want a one-on-one session with the REAL Nigerian character. I would like to know why she has such HATRED for Nigerian men. Maybe its because she hasn’t met me yet… I could be the love of her life who transforms how she thinks about men.

The point here is this, either the girl that left him has finally come back and he didn’t want to cheat on her or he feels you are not the perfect match of wat he wanted or probably has gotten another girl that suit him better than you. Maybe he can’t start all over loving someone again after all that has happened to him. I think you need to know the definition of his approach or else you will suffer an emotional pain.

My sister I have been in that boat ooh before, initiating the convo when he was the one who clearly made the move. I haff given myself brain and concluded that any act, person or situation that doesn’t help me grow as a person or add value to me isn’t worth my stress. Who stressing over a guy in this buhari economy don epp. The right person who you will not need to chase will come. Hang in dear

You are not wrong to be catching feelings for a guy but it is clear he isn’t into you. Just forget about him and move on with your life. Also forget about biological timing and focus on God cause in His own time he will give you a man that will adore you and willing to lick your ass!! I tell my self this each time I feel bad concerning issues like this.

The irony of love and dating….you love someone who doesn’t reciprocate your love (heartbreaking), perhaps he loves someone else, while someone else loves you but you don’t love him. meeehn it’s krazy, even life itself is a risk. Dear poster, here’s what’s happening to you, naturally a guy is actually “wired” “programmed” “engineered” to woo (toast) a lady and continue doing the chasing even after he wins her. some guys especially the unserious ones don’t appreciate corresponding pressure via consistent calls, sms or chats from ladies, they will prefer they do the chasing. the moment a lady falls in love and expresses her love via consistent calls(which ordinarily is ideal and reasonable for serious guys) d unserious sees it as pressure, they feel tense and will take to their heels or perhaps avoid you becos they see you as a desperate woman hence disrespect you. plssssssss this is for all single ladies out there, know your worth and value, don’t chase after a man but rather let him chase after you if he truly deserves your attention. make him work hard for it becos that is how it’s made to be. guide your emotions jealously. don’ let any nigga mess you up. a word for the wise.