We are gathered here today to figure out what the heck the officiant will be saying at James’ and Janet’s wedding ceremony next month.

Next month! And the betrothed couple hasn’t even gotten their ducks in a row …

]]>Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here today to figure out what the heck the officiant will be saying at James’ and Janet’s wedding ceremony next month.

Next month! And the betrothed couple hasn’t even gotten their ducks in a row about the centrepiece of the wedding — the marriage ceremony. What kind of responsible people — . . . (muttering, trails off).

Tsk. Where was I?

Ah, yes. James, and Janet. Janet and James. It may be possible that two quirkier people have never wed. James, a man willing to scramble up cliffs, walk barefoot across hot coals and use a table saw without the safety guard attached, won’t eat food one nanosecond past the best before date, citing it as “too risky.” Janet, who will not leave the house without 13 snacks shoved in every purse and pocket in the advent of a worldwide food shortage, thinks it’s acceptable — nay, encouraged — to knit at parties.

Why would these people want to breed? Alas, that is why a Catholic ceremony would not be suitable here today, since no one should encourage this pair of freaks to go forth and be fruitful.

To be truthful, assembled friends and family, you won’t find any mention of God, the Creator, Allah, the Lord, Jehovah, or other deity here. This is a civil ceremony, after all, and spiritually speaking, James and Janet just don’t swing that way.

It is thanks to this dearth of spirituality that I stand before you today with so few words to offer, for finding a ceremony without references to Her or His Almightiness is akin to planning a surfing trip to the desert.

Those rare oases your humble researcher has stumbled across are corny and humourless like an overplayed soft-rock song — a poor fit with this discerning bride and groom.

The suggested readings, then, are even more pitiful, employing exhumed-from-the-grave metaphors of lingering candle flames, or calm and choppy seas.

It was then, my good people, the tireless couple turned to an esteemed authority on romance and love for words of meaning and truth. I’m talking about the British Columbia Vital Statistics Agency, of course.

Should Janet and James heed their advice, the following words would be uttered in the place of those I ramble now:

We are gathered at this place to witness the formal joining in the legal state of matrimony of this man and this woman, according to the order and the custom prevailing, and under the authority given and provided by the Province of British Columbia. The state of matrimony, as understood by us, is a state ennobled and enriched by a long and honourable tradition of devotion, set in the basis of the law of the land, assuring each participant an equality before the law, and supporting the common rights of each party to the marriage. . .

AHEM. Kind wedding guests, would you please rouse yourselves back to consciousness? It’s not polite to drool and bob your heads through words of such import. Inspired by Wuthering Heights their missive may not be, but the B.C. government certainly cites the law with a dedicated accuracy and depth.

Technically, according to Janet and James’ real officiant (who, sadly, cannot be with us at this time) I must only say two things to legally marry Janet and James in British Columbia: First, I must ask the audience, and each must promise, they know no reason they cannot be wed (other than potentially producing the weirdest, most paranoid children ever born). (But as long as they have red hair and freckles, Janet will be happy). Secondly, I must declare Janet and James married.

If the BC Vital Statistics Agency gets its way, I would do it like this:

And now, forasmuch as you ……… (groom) and ……… (bride) have consented in legal wedlock, and have declared your solemn intention in this company, before these witnesses, and in my presence, and have exchanged this (these) ring (rings) as the pledge of your vows to each other; now upon the authority vested in me by the Province of British Columbia, I pronounce you ‘husband’ and ‘wife’.

Oh… goodness. Thanks so much to the kind guests in the front row. It’s so good to have people with first aid training handy. I suppose I should have predicted I would go into hypoxic shock after uttering such a long phrase without taking a breath.

Also, you may notice the ceremony used the word “wife.” That will need some editing to gel with Janet’s feminist ideals.

Even this is bound to be awkward. Janet has plans to sport a good old white gold ring, but as some of you gathered here today may recall, James doesn’t want to wear a ring.

Fortunately, the couple has come to a compromise (a sign they’ll be happy together, forever, surely). James will wear his ring on a chain around his neck, tucked under his clothes when he’s trying to avoid looking campy.

And now, while James and Janet sign the register — a book so monstrous it requires a kilometre-deep slab of cement to support it, like the Parliament library’s statue of Queen Victoria — brideschick Emily will read us a thoughtful poem:

The readings that websites suggestSorry — they’re just not the bestThey’re sickly sweet and so clicheSurely there is more to say

Would it be a deadly sinIf they put something funny in?Talk of lifelong love adoringIs so banal it sends me snoring

Could we leave out symbols, please,of angels, oceans, knots and trees?If it’s bonds you want to glueTalk of molecules will do

All these cheap and empty wordsAre nothing more than verbal turdsOur success at life togetherRelies on no poetic tether

(Sniffing). Thank you, Emily. My goodness, that was moving.

You’ve been such a patient audience, sitting through all this blather, and now we’re finally at the part that you actually care about.

Get your digital cameras ready and conjure your best redneck hoots and hollers — Janet, you may now kiss the groom.