Shitty life

Let me tell you guys my story now. I'm male, 16. I was born in a small city in Brazil. I'm not poor. I'm from an upper-mid-class family. Then I moved to the capital of my district, which is quite big, when I was 4. I started going to school normally and made some new friends.

One day, when i was going back from school, the father of my best friend bought me an ice cream and invited me to go to his house, so we could play video-games and these things. So i did it - went to my friend's house and it was a lovely afternoon. We ate candies, played PS1... it was perfect. I couldn't be happier. Then this started to get frequent. And my friend's dad sometimes did massage at me and my other friends too that came by his house. But with me it was differente. Everytime he did this massage in me was kind of erotic, and he put hands at my genitals and these things.

I was a small kid at that time with like 6 or 7 years old. I had a notion about what was sex already, but still couldn't understand all that. Then things started to get more serious and he was REALLY abusing myself (not just touching but blowjob etc), almost every weekend.

I didn't tell this to anyone. I kept it to myself, and to be honest, I liked it. This is the part where everyone is gonna judge me for it. You don't know what was to be in the same place as me, and i thought it was normal. I really did thought it was normal these kinds of things happening to me.

This kept going for more 6 years. I was 12. I didn't know about my sex orientation and I was really confused. Sometimes I liked girls, but most of the time i liked boys. I had two best friends - one of them was the son of the guy that abused me for all these years - we were like three mosquetiers, always together, no matter what. One day I decided to tell them i liked boys too. From that day on everything was different. They simply stopped hanging out with me and started ignoring me. At that same time my parents broke up, and they always put me in the middle of the fights. ALWAYS. It was a terrible break up, my world was totally falling to pieces.

I didn't know who I was anymore. I was changing, my body was changing, my lifestyle was changing, my economic status was changing due to my parents break up, everything was different. In the same year my mom had breast cancer, and she was at the bottom of the hill. She was inbetween life and death, and my dad kept doing shit to her, telling her horrible things. My brother was starting to be a druggie, and gave us a lot of problems. I saw everything happen and I simply couldn't do anything.

Time passed and this freaky shit too. My mom cured from her cancer, my brother is better - althought didn't stop smoking weed - my dad is now engaged and everyone made their life go on. The problem is that after it I could never heal from the ill that this phase caused to me. I'm depressed, anxious all the time, and suffer from a thing called derealization. It's like everything you see is a dream, like if the way you see the world is a dream. These things are so frightening, sometimes i don't know how i can get throught it everyday.

I still don't know my sexual orientation. I hook up with boys and girls, but from like 6 months ago till now i don't feel attracted to any sex. I've completely lost my emotions for anyone. I don't miss anyone, don't hate anyone, don't love anyone. My grandma died last year and everyone from my family cried. I was the only one who didn't, which made me feel kind of ashamed.

I generally hate everything about myself. I hate every act I do. I hate my face, my hair, my body, the way I talk, the way I walk. I hate everything. The only thing about myself that I'm still proud is that even with all the problems I went through, I've never let that affect my studies. I've always did great at school, no matter what - without much effort. I easily learn things. I've never done any english course or anything like that, everything I learned about english I learned only watching movies, listening to music and these shit. My english spelling is the best I've seen, compared to brazilian people. If you didn't know i was brazilian and i had talked to you personally, you would never guess that I'm not american.

Anyway, I still have financial problems and I'm worried all the time. Life goes by and I don't feel a bit like living anymore. Everything has lost sense. I miss the days I was younger, full of hope and perspectives. Now It's just pain. I'm writing this crying because I've had a terrible night. My days on this shit called Earth are counted. Soon I will be gone and people from my family will learn how to live without me. Suicide is my only way out of this hell-hole. If you have passed through many problems either, I hope you are stronger then me and find a way to deal with them, cause i can't do it no longer.

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