Boring Trial Gets Juicy as Duffy Has “Blubbering Meltdown” on Stand

by The Lapine ·
Published December 10, 2015
· Updated December 10, 2015

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OTTAWA — The fraud trial of P.E.I. Senator Mike Duffy was forced to adjourn today after Duffy was unable to control his weeping over Stephen Harper ‘sucking him in and playing him like a cheap ukulele’.

“Stephen said he would protect me —he, he, he said he would p…p…protect me,” Duffy began repeating over and over on the stand before Justice Charles Vaillancourt ordered a stoppage and called for paramedics.Courtroom artist’s sketch by illustrator Greg Banning

The proceedings were halted at shortly after ten a.m. and it was more than an hour before Senator Duffy (69) emerged from the OPS ambulance and spoke briefly to reporters before being whisked away by his lawyer Donald Bayne.

But CTV reported that Duffy was still a “mumbling mess”.

“Stephen said I could spend as much as I wanted,” Duffy said to the media scrum in a warbling voice similar to the one he was using when court was adjourned earlier.

“He said I could fly business class and have massages — he said he was my friend, that he really, really liked me.”Duffy is testifying in his own defence against 31 criminal offences including fraud, breach of trust and bribery. His defence strategy to those charges is largely based on claims that Senate expense rules are “loosey-goosey”, that he considered his outdoor-plumbed cottage in P.E.I his home, and that former Prime Minister Stephen Harper is a “lying nut-sucker”.

”Senator Duffy is an honest man guilty of nothing more than wanting to serve his country — and suffering from a case of unrequited man-love for Stephen Harper,” Bayne told CTV as he helped Duffy into a waiting car.“Bluntly, Mr. Duffy was an innocent doormat. Sure, he loved the fine food and wine. Sure, he bought a new wardrobe. Sure, he had a make-up artist with him 7 days a week. But he was never told to stop.”

“I ask you — who among us hasn’t been blinded by admiration for a leader?”

“What man has never had a bit of a guy-crush at some point in his life and done everything he’s told to do?”

“That’s not a crime. That’s endearingly human.”

Dubbed by National Post columnist Andrew Coyne as “the trial nobody gives a piddle about now that Harper’s gone”, proceedings in the case are now scheduled to resume whenever Senator Duffy “gets over his self-pity party” according to a source in Justice Vaillancourt’s office.

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The Lapine is Canada's Best Satirical Online Newspaper. It satirizes politics, life, media and the human condition, with a special focus on Canada.
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