Kevin Can Wait Found the Perfect Replacement for Donna

Folks, I'm here to tell you that this week's episode of Kevin Can Wait istitled "Kevin Can Date." I'm extremely into this. I'd like to suggest some other possible episode titles in this naming convention: "Kevin Can Procreate," "Kevin Can Conjugate," "Kevin Can Translate," "Kevin Can Sedate," "Kevin Can Debate," "Kevin Can Conflate," "Kevin Can Mate," "Kevin Can Bait."

Anyway, in this episode of Kevin Can Wait, an attractive human woman is inexplicably into our boy Kevin. It only took 14 episodes, but Kevin is back on the market, baby. So what if he never fully came to terms with his wife's mysterious death? Who cares if he copes with Donna's tragic death by ignoring the circumstances of her passing and moving on to the next thing? He's got another confusingly beautiful suitor (more on that later) to focus on. She kind of has a Sofia Vergara thing going on, minus the accent. So let's walk through his first date with who I'll refer to, simply, as Sofia:

• He acknowledges that it took him forever to get ready. Sofia says she tried on everything in her closet. Cute!

• He explains that he sat down slowly because he applied a lot of baby powder because he sweats a lot and was worried there'd be an eruption of powder if he sat down too quickly. Adorable! What an honest, moist guy. She explains that she saw a "little poof," but thought the chair was dusty, naturally.

• Kevin orders calamari, a deep fried dish that is sometimes just pig rectum disguised as seafood. (They order appetizers, but not drinks? Is Kevin a recovering alcoholic?)

• King of Queens Star Leah Remini finds out that the woman Kevin is on a date with is a serial thief and possible murderer? And, really, given Kevin's whole situation, he should just overlook these minor flaws because he's not going to do any better.

• Sofia admits she's a simple girl. Guess who else is simple? Arby's enthusiast Kevin Gable! So they go to a burger place that Guy Fieri would absolutely approve of (no vegetables!). This is where Sofia starts telling Kevin she loves him and explains she wants to take him upstate for Thanksgiving. It's around this point that I realized that it's unfortunate that, whenever this show introduces new female characters, they turn out to be women obsessed with Kevin beyond recognition. (See: Kevin Can Wait Season Two, Episode Nine) It's as if any woman couldn't survive without some sort of unfathomable fixation with our dude Kevin. Some, like myself, might call this an unhealthy and problematic view of women—that they only exist to serve the masculine fantasy of Kevin Gable.

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• Kevin tries to go home. But then they decide to go to an escape room. Good call!

• King of Queens Star Leah Remini saves Kevin from Sofia and the escape room. Suddenly Kevin is home and whatever happened in the escape room is never actually resolved.

• Sofia flirts with Kevin's idiot brother, Kevin 2, at a bar.

This is a truly unfortunate conclusion, because, honestly, I think these two are the perfect couple. Kevin is an incompetent boob, who may or may not have killed his late wife. And Sofia is an unstable and deeply loyal woman who may or may not have killed her ex-boyfriend. Kevin isn't going to do any better than this. Seriously.

You know who could have fixed this situation? Hitch! I was actually watching the hit 2005 rom-com last night—because I guess my life is dedicated to Kevin James's filmography—and I wondered where Hitch would fit in the greater King of Queens Cinematic Universe. In that film, James works at an investment firm where Hitch helps him seduce attractive Manhattan socialite Allegra Cole. While I don't know how this film works into the greater narrative, it's clear that Hitch must take place before every other Kevin James film. That would explain why attractive women are always so attracted to Kevin. After getting coached by Hitch, Kevin James characters forever have the tools to end up with women completely out of his league.

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