New Revolution in Cheap Health Care -- Affordable HMO Opens

TUCSON -- Federated Health Care of America announced today the newest
innovation in cheap health care -- an HMO without doctors.
"One of the most expensive parts of the health care system is the
doctors," explained Andrew Bongle, President of FHCA. "They cost a lot
of money in salaries and malpractice insurance, and they have this nasty
habit of ordering really costly services such as surgery."
In order to keep the cost of health care affordable for their investors,
FHCA has purchased thousands of do-it-yourself photo booths and
installed them in Walmarts around the country. The booths have been
retrofitted with a microchip diagnostic system similar to the ones found
in auto repair shops, and a series of sensors.
"Our patients will simply have to sit in the HealthChair, as we call
them, and answer a series of questions, such as 'Do you have a fever?'
The sensors will detect the body temperature and other probes can be
inserted in various parts of the body to complete the diagnosis," Bongle
said.
"Our in-store health care booths are the cutting edge of instant service
delivery to our clients," noted Bongle.
The HealthChair Booths will dispense pre-measured doses of generic drugs
such as aspirin.
"For the more serious illnesses or injuries, the HealthChair will
dispense a How To Manual for the patient to take home so they can treat
themselves," Bongle noted. "For a few extra dollars, we will even
provide video instructions."
"For example, many surgical procedures only require a local anesthetic,
so the patient will be given a disposable scalpel, a dose of pain
killer, and instructions on how to perform the surgery themselves,"
Bongle explained. "This gives new meaning to home health care."
In addition to eliminating doctors, the new FHCA HealthChair booths
eliminate nurses and hundreds of other expensive employees. "The whole
system is automated so no human beings are required for health care
delivery," Bongle added. "The only staff we will need is to process
billings to insurance carriers."
Since the HealthChair booths have video cameras installed in them to
view patients, questions of privacy have arisen. "We have solved that
problem by offering our patients discounts on their health care if
they'll let us sell the pictures of their naked bodies on the Internet,"
Bongle said.
America's first rock'n roll nursing home opened today in Green Valley,
Arizona -- a notorious retirement community.
"Given the demographics of the country," explained Richard Sottleworth,
head of the Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home, "it only made sense to
cater to the incoming generation of senior citizens."
The traditional nursing home just didn't seem appropriate for people
weaned on the Rolling Stones. "There is no way the old type of old
folks home is going to work with people playing dominoes and listening
to Lawrence Welk," explained Sottleworth. "What works best is to create
a familiar environment for our clients."
The Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home will feature 24 hour rock music, and
medicinal marijuana. "Actually, the next generation of senior citizens
is going to be a lot easier to deal with," Sottleworth explained,
"because we can really dope them up and they'll love it."
The Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home Company plans a national chain of
rock-oriented care facilities. "We are trying to get Dick Clark or Mick
Jagger to do promos for us, but so far no luck," added Sottleworth.
"But, there's plenty of aging rockers out there, so someone will need
the money," he added.
In addition to round-the-clock dope, the new nursing home will offer
electric guitars for residents. "They're all deaf, anyway," Sottleworth
commented.