"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place" ~Unknown~

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Sunday, May 25, 2008

New Season, New Beginning

Summer has finally arrived! Well, actually, I think it really arrived last weekend and it's just decided to stick around. This weekend has been beautiful, just like the last weekend. When we were in Kelowna last week, it was 30 degress and I even managed to get a little bit of colour wihtout burning. Always a bonus. Yay for Vitamin D!

Think we might go out this afternoon across the street to the field with our beach blanket and relax in the sun and read or something. Not up for much else. Had a scary moment this morning because the bleeding has intensified like crazy. But couple that with feeling a little bitchy yesterday and I think I've just gotten my period a week earlier than expected. There's nothing more discouraging than knowing it all started on the 5th and it's still going.

Ryan and I finally came to blows so to speak over the situation and finally really talked about everything on friday night. He was avoiding thinking about it becuase he really didn't understand what was happening to me. I was blunt and maybe a little uncaring in the way I did it, but I've been in so much emotional pain that I needed him to understand the reality of what a miscarriage means physically and emoitionally. I had to explain the trauma of watching everyday the reamins of what should have been our child leave my body. Once he understood that, we were able to come to grips on the situation together. We're okay now and we talk about it, which is the biggest step. It's no longer just me doing the talking. We're finally in this together again.

And at the same time I finally allowed the grief to hit me and I just broke down and cried. It was... freeing and healing. I'm not "better" all of a sudden, but I am better than I was. I can laugh and have a good time with people even if I'm not as social and bubbly as I normally am. Still coping, but I'm glad things are almost over with and I can finally move on. What a relief. The next month is all about slowly getting my life back on track. I want to get back into my fitness routine (not working out is driving me crazy!) and eat really well. I want to start getting my weight back to a healthy level again.

Time for a new start. After all, As Claire reminded me: Anything is Possible...

About Me

I'm Lindsay aka The Steadfast Warrior and a Canadian ex-pat living in the United Kingdom. Tackling life's ups and downs armed with a camera, a spatula, a pint-sized dictator, common sense and a good dose of optimism.