“Okay, don’t read anything into this, but Diane found bodies.”
"Maggie? How can you not read into that?"

“Okay. I found some information, but now you gotta make a choice. Either
I can tell you when you’re a teenager, and you’ll always hate me, or I can tell
you now, and you’ll be messed up for the rest of your life.”

“Could you be my sister for a second? Thanks.”

“I’m thinking, pain didn’t work, so now it’s time to break out the sex magic.”

“What kind of fucking vigilante are you?”
"Um…the homeless kind?”

“I’m going to be amazed by the graphics that are the Oregon Trail.”

“Lesbian incest: it rules.”

“Maggie is so naked, you can hear it.”

"Yeah, that’s all you need down here…an aroused caveman."
"I should just kill him and bury him in the backyard."
"That’s not what a Euthanatos would do to a caveman, dude."
"Meh. I’m sure I could excuse it with something."

"2 out of 7 countries thus far have proclaimed me as a god. I mean, continents.”

“Look! It’s a big hairy man in a blue shirt and sweatpants! And he’s taking
a shit on our front lawn!”

“And now, singing ‘Highway to Hell’…the Jesus twins!”

“No, really. It’s a long-held custom of my family members to save our vomit.”

“Sweet! I know how to deal with squirrels: a fusion pistol.”

“Ooh…I get to watch your data stream.”

“I don’t know! I’m one big ball of hurt!”

“What I need you to do is go up there and pretend to be bereaved. I mean,
we are extremely bereaved, but…”

“Wow. You’ve got some great vomit.”

"This is Dr. Abdul-Muhyi Carlson…"
"Carlson again? Fuck you, Iain."
"What? I ran out of good last names."

"Apparently, Jesus now has tentacles."
"But I’m an octopus monster of God!"

"Our mantra has now become, 'We'll just dig the Technocratic implants
out later.'"

"Fine then! So we've been carjacked by Michael Clarke Duncan!"

"You have broken Random Technocratic Rule Number A."

"His badge says 'Detective Munchkin?'"

"It was an uncontrolled act of psychology."

"I go into the kitchen and make bombs. I mean, breakfast."

"It's acid. You should try some."
"No, thanks. I've got mirrors."

"What the hell are you guys doing?"
"We're setting the snake on fire!"
"Dude! It's eating me!"
"Well, if we start burning its tail, maybe it will let go of you."
"Or maybe it will swallow me because it decides it wants a last meal!"

"My sister and I are knifed. We are devengers."

"Heh. Eat my toaster."

"Cleaning up the dead vampires is pretty easy if you use a vacuum..."

"Using your remote-controlled...um...Insecticle..."

"Feed me two stray twin God children."

"Dear Diary...today I felt like I was only 70% charged."

"I'm looking for a file titled, 'Why We Are Screwing You Over, by Us.'"

"It's the big drawer of plot revealing! Take it! Take it now!"

"Insecticle strikes again!"

"Roll your Perception plus Alertness, difficulty NO."

"Well, do you just have a 3-year-old handy that you're sticking this into?"

"How can we help you today? Do you need your lollipops blessed?"

"Oh no. Jailbait Jesus children."

"They go out and buy some Lolita-brand bathing suits..."

"Well, I'll have to make sure I don't step on your feet then, because
I'm wearing spurs."

"Jesus shows no mercy!"

"Roll Dex plus Burning The Heretics."

"Are you sure you don't have anyone here who is a..."
"Bug?"

"Wait a minute, did you just say the bush is full of back hair?"

"Is this going to be another thing like the fingerprint thing where you
look at it and say, yep, it's definitely hair?"

"Eve, you puke all over the table."
"But there's nothing in my stomach!"
"You puke up motor oil!"

"She just puked up the T-1000!"

"That's a lot of blood during sex."

"I don't understand it, man. I guess that now having sex makes you pop
out with stigmata."

"Who wants to go clubbing?"
"What are we going to hit?"

"ANDROIDS DEMAND PENIS!"

[Diane tries to teach Eve how to dance.]
"Now just let the music in. It should be pretty natural..."
[snort] "She does the Robot naturally."

"He's a real goth, you know. He was born in darkness."

"Hi, I'm Tiff. What's your name?"
"I am Galstaff, sorcerer of light!"

"You feel a chill run down your sides and terminate in your groin."

"Lafayette? What's wrong?"
"Um...I felt something. It passed."

"I look at you and I'm completely enthralled."
"I bet you say that to all of the androids you meet."

"She's going to attempt to have sex with you now. Is that okay with you?"
[Thumbs up.]

"I hate all of you. I hate you more, because you have a lot of NPCs. And
you too, because you have a brother."

"I smell hormones! This way!"

"I want to stay a holy virgin! I just want to have fun!"

"Six hours?! I can't die in six hours! I have way too much shit that I
still need to do!"
"Then maybe you should work on that."

"...And Eve discovers the wonders of pooing."

"Well, you didn't get her last name. It was probably, like, Tiff Dreadful."

[Gabriella describes the Cabal of Good Intentions to her crush.]
"It's an interesting family. It's kind of a bunch of people together like
yeah."

"When is it gonna be, like, stuff day?"

"We share everything, including our vagina!"

"So Nikki wants to have phone sex with the Master Chief?"
"I'm taking off my power armor..."

"This guy's Shadow has got to be happier than a pig in shit right now."

"She's going to get her Avatar its first kiss in over 3,000 years of existence."

"Are you drunk? I'm gonna tell Jesus!"

"This is the worst lie ever."
"Why?"
"You told them I was new at this when I have the name of the movie studio
tattooed on my arm!"

[Iain forgets that the year is 2011.]
"They tell you a lot of interesting things about Los Angeles. They talk about
going to some really interesting movie theatres to see Matrix Revolutions. [pause,
confused looks] Um, yeah, I mean when they were like 4 years old."

"Elisa looks like she's..."
"An alligator!"

"It looks like OK Cola...which once again is something that existed before
your time."

"He's my Gary Magdalene!"

"I've been rolling the Staminas here in this boat."

"No, really, Maggie's not so bad. She hasn't killed anybody yet. On purpose,
that is."

"Wow. The fact that he was wearing swim trunks the whole time adds a whole
new dimension of ick to what just happened."

"So the door goes squeeeeeeeelllllllo Maggie."

"I want to wach Office Space. I also want to watch The Nightmare Before
Christmas."
"Because those two movies have so much to do with each other."
"Yes, because I went shopping."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I need you to get in the shower and
take off all of your clothes."
"Ah, I've been here before with other members of this cabal."

"I know you're kind of a loosey-lou when it comes to drinking..."
"What?"
"She pulls out katanas and kills people."

"They're going to go have dirty robot-Avatar sex."

"Once a Cultist, always a Cultist! Well, also, once killing a lot of people,
always killing a lot of people, I suppose."

"Quick, the RA's coming! Hide the foci!"

"Aren't there any outlets in your dark place?"
"Well, maybe if you could get an extension cord from, like, NSP to the
Umbra..."

"Hey, Maggie? I mean, Beth? Tell Tony..."

"Hey, Andy? I mean, Cho? I mean, Andy? I mean, Iain?"

"We've got more spirit here than you can stake a shick at."

"I'm very suspicious of anyone who wants to know anything about Kevin
Wilson who isn't me."

"...But I do want to know all the dirt you can find about Sister Charity,
because I think she's a backstabbing ho."

"Well, it's my opinion that we've spent this entire week being magic's
prison bitch, so I vote that we should do this the old-fashioned way."

"My monocle is pretty shitty."

"I am like the deer. You cannot see me."

"Oh no! How are we going to get out of this?"
"I could throw a rock at her and see if I can get her to chase me."
[shrugs] "You're the Master."

"Something smells like horrible ass in this corner, and it's totally not
me."
"It's my farting!"

"Mirror, mirror, in the forest..."
"Tell us how to fuck up the Celestial Chorus."

"I am the essence of food poisoning."

"I'm blind! I can't talk to fungus!"

"So he was wearing vinyl board shorts?"

"Either we're going to need a ride to the mall, or we're going to need
more money."
"Why can't you just do the loaves and fishes thing?"
"What? Break a Micro Machine in half and make two taxis?"

"Iain, can I buy a growth spurt?"

"I don't know exactly how water will work. And by work I mean ruin things."

"One person's being authoritative, and the other one's being a Cultist.
Not a good combo."

"Oh, dance floor. You're not creepy, dance floor."

"I suffocate in my own skin!"

"I am da master of da wang."

"I believe that Maggie tried to make a connection with Master Wang once.
There was some sort of miscommunication, and it didn't work out."
"Oh, that's right. She stepped in his Zen garden."

"Hey, Rebecca, feel my skin. I had an accident in a dark place."

"Maggie's Supervirus 1, Evil Lighting Dude -1."

"Does he have a golden rod?"
"I intend not to find out!"

"Your savior smells like vomit!"

"Yes, he was extremely active before his conception."

"She's usually there 50 percent of the time."

"In other words, is there a Tradition singles night we can go to?"

"Easy-Bake Master Chief."

"Perhaps you could find some other cabals in the area and aid them in
their goals."
"Go play outside!"

"So all of the Masters are either sucky or condescending? Great set of
NPCs, Iain."

"June 22: Drink virgin blood."

"And in case you're hungry and like explosions..."

"Maybe someday my Jeep will come back. But the universe ate it, so I don't
have high hopes."

"Wal-Mart is evil, but unfortunately convenient."

"Happy Fourth of July! We bring death and questions!"

"Steve, this is Caly, Rebecca's player...I'm calling on her behalf..."

"Are you feeling happy? Let me rub my ball on you!"

"Wait, you guys, Skipper with a bag of poo. I think you're looking at
the good options right now."

"I offer some beer and hamburgers to the cult of death."

"They're never happy unless they're being persecuted."
"Sounds like the Hollow Ones have a Jesus complex, too."

"I'd have to be all insecure if I had sex with Lafayette anyway, since
he's prettier than I am."
"You'd better never have sex with Eve, then."
"I'd do Eve."
"Yes, but you're a confused 13-year-old girl."
"Two of them."

"That's something we definitely haven't done yet."
"What? Eve?"

"Bye, guys! Have fun at the orgy! I packed you a lunch and some extra
condoms!"

"None of what just happened was vulgar."
"None of the magic, that is. The foci are another story."

"I don't wanna sleep with the boys. You're a man."

"I'd like to divorce my brain..."

"Wits plus something to zip it up."
"...Oh, the tent."

"What's wrong?"
"It's the naked morning ritual! Now give us the camera!"

"Guys, please don't have an orgy right now. We still need to go into a
lair."

"I begin trying to soothe the savage chicken beast."

"You open up the crates and see a lot of mold and decay and little skeletons
growing in piles."

"I'm going to find point of weakness. I'm going to watch-tricorder-size-it."

"Somebody scry this room or something."
"I take a great big whiff."
"I love the smell of manticore poop in the morning!"

"It's similar to something you might have seen in Predator..."
"Oh, just what I love to hear in gaming."

"What does it take to turn a Life pattern into a Matter pattern?"
"Bullets."

"Eat my N! I mean, eat this knife."

"She's like a person who doesn't know how to wield a knife stabbing wildly
at a giant maggot."

"In the darkness, I scream out for the chicken...and Maggie...and you
guys...and my mom and dad...and God..."

"God has heard your request, and he's turning you down. So he's sent his
two rejected daughters to pull your legs apart."

"They're in a kind of shabby-looking motel room..."
"Maggie! Do you recognize it?"

"Oh, God. He was trying to start a Hermetic petting zoo?."
"Pet the fireball! It's warm!"

"Where did you say you found this?"
"I didn't."
"I see."

"I talked to Maggie and Skipper about human relationships for like two
and a half hours."
"Yes, but we also talked about other stuff. Like the Pact of Draconis and
my creeping sense of life's meaninglessness."
"...What?"

"You should get a robotic hand, Maggie." [Makes robot hand noises
that come out sounding like duck noises.]
"Yes. One that goes 'quack, quack, quack.'"

"We might have to bring Cho along on this one, since she is the handler
of the rubber-eating chicken thing."

"It'd be like the 'are these people having sex?' test."

"...So that means Santa is a virgin."

"See, I'm serious! You kill the chicken, tell Nester it went to live on
a nice farm in the Umbra, and then Thanksgiving dinner floats!"

"For that quote I'm just going to write down 'His name is Chance Skipper
Adams,' and leave it at that."

"I'm going to kill Diane. Of course, if I'm really going to do it, I should
probably not be sitting here telling all of my devious plans to the Storyteller
and being like, 'Yeah, try to stop me, motherfucker!'"

"I found the perfect model for a drawing of Cho! And she was even wearing
the clothes that I told Cho to wear!"

"Oops, my face just got in the way of your vagina!"

"They're our brothers! And our underlings!"
"Yeah, God told us we weren't supposed to sleep with the help."

"You guys, when this is over, let's all just walk into a closet and backlash
together."

"So, hypothetically speaking, if there was a giant cord hooked into the
back of our friend's brain..."

"My brain is the star of hentai. Terrific."

"Watch! It's a robot that botches on command!"

"At least there are none like Nester. He's drawn to gayness, you know."
"Dude! You run the world!"

"Yeah, Rebecca rolls around in some mud and then runs around naked and
screaming."
"That would piss Caly off so bad."
"Yeah. Especially if I had her paint a face around her vagina and run toward
the kids."
"I named her Alice!"
"And she's huuuuuuuun-gry!"

"Dude, that would suck if your vagina was the Caul. You'd have to, like,
run around and jump on top of people cramming them into your vagina."

"She has a bunch of the kind of books you'd buy at a grocery store..."
"Yes. They all have the word 'Love,' 'Passion,' or 'Seduction' in the title.
And sometimes, all three at once."
"And also, The Pact of Draconis."
"No, the passion of Draconis!"
"Is that anything like The Passion of the Christ?"
"What I heard was a pack of Draconis."
"And that sounds like a brand of cigarettes."
"I'll have a pack of Draconis...unfiltered..."
"Menthol!"
"Light, please. I'm trying to quit."

"The mirror got sucked into the Umbra. You know, it's out by where Ganondorf
lives."

"I go find Cho for some lovin'. (pause) Of the motherly kind, that is."

"Her tattoo is, like, a spirit that's been ensquelched..."

"At least this way we can break it to her easy. The good news is, you
didn't miss the council meeting. The bad news is, there are Technocratic spies
and we lost the mirror."

"...And by strong coffee I mean peyote."

"Dude. You're going to be Mrs. Rebecca Mothberry."

"Dude, two hot chicks giving away free booze? We could be getting so much
tail if we wanted to!"
"You'd get even more if you made out."
"Yeah. One dollar to join in!"

"Increased discipline and harsher penalties for Bozo?"

"If they kick us out, we'll just start our own Tradition with Diane and
torture all who oppose us."

"We could let the caveman be our leader and run around naked in the woods
hitting things with clubs."
"Yes. But then we'd be Verbena."

"He shakes your hands, and heads off."
"Wait a minute. Did you just say he shakes our hands and heads off?"

"The V stands for vivisection!"

"If you guys are planning to get mad at me for blowing your cover on the
horrible lie you just told, just think of all the other things I could have
said to them. 'By the way, we know where the Hub is. We've partied with it.
A lot of us have slept with it.'"

"The only werewolf hunters I know are out of it now."
"Out of it like dead? Out of it like missing limbs?"
"A little of both."

"I like you guys. You blow up buildings for me. But that can only take
us so far."

"We're sorry. The party you have called says to fuck off."

"We should make Maggie's club into a bondage religious club."
[Very long pause.]
"The look that's on Iain's face right now is the same look that's in my
soul."

"God's gonna kill me through the window for saying that."
"Hey, if you shut the window, God can't get you."
[The ST reaches over and opens the window wider.]

"Hey, Skipper, if your talk with Diane doesn't go as planned, keep in
mind that I have a nice vagina for you to cry into."

"I feel like the guy who came down and told Jesus he was the son of God."
"Skipper, you are definitely not a Christ figure."

"No, I'll tell you what this is like. It's like coming out of the closet."
"Only instead of telling everyone you're gay, someone else is telling you
that you've actually been gay all along and you've just never realized it."
"Skipper, have you tried not being the Hub?"

"You'll notice that everything on my list is divisible by two. Except
for the things that are one."

"Skipper, you're inane! Amuse them! Do something!"

"Of all the ways I pictured this session going, us magically building
a washer and dryer for a crazy old Umbral cat lady so we could trade them for
the mirror was definitely not one of them."

"Dear Rachel, you are stupid. Love, Rebecca."

"Skipper also has 10. But you go first, since he's under the Ripper."
"Under the Ripper?"
[sings] "Under the Ripper and through the woods..."

"It fucked with your hair! Frenzy!"

"I don't have a pipe bomb, because nobody trusts me with explosives for
some reason. Funny, that."

"Soak none."
"It didn't."
"Heh. It didn't soak no damage."

"Terrific. Now, not only is everything else in the universe stacked against
me, I've suddenly become allergic to my love interest."

"...Or some poor vampire uses the holy blanket to line his coffin, and
he doesn't understand why he wakes up in torpor."

"What's this for?"
"I want you to use it if anyone is trying to shoot you or stake you or
set you on fire."
"In other words, if you're attacking me?"
"Ha ha, very funny. Just wrap yourself around it and you'll be fine."

"This room is making me drunk, and something that stinks like Charles
Carlson is teleporting onto our front lawn."

"She smashes a bottle of perfume on the ground..."
"What the fuck kind of paradigm is this?"

"So we jump through the pink and purple perfume portal...Whoa. Say that
one five times fast."

"If K'Elector comes back, Skipper will die, so for Skipper to live K'Elector
has to stay away from everyone forever."
[Really long pause.]
"Hey, let's get in an argument over which of us gets to be miserable."

"Some people are drunk, some people have their hymnals out."
"Heh. Story of our cabal."

"People back there are doing everything from tap-dancing to masturbating."

"...And, like all human beings, the Hub is still susceptible to high-velocity
lead poisoning."

The Characters and Players:Lafayette d’Armond, a Euthanatos who's spent the past few hundred years
in an Umbral bubble. Played by Marco.Gabriella Delano, a 13-year-old Celestial Chorister with a manifest Avatar
and a bit of a God complex. Played by Rachel.Eve, a construct made by a Son of Ether who wanted to create the perfect
woman. Played by Nikki.Park Cho Ra, a Cultist of Ecstasy and Korean pop star on the run from
the Technocracy. Played by Andy.Nester Robbins, a 10-year-old Virtual Adept and video game fanatic.
Played by Jake.Rebecca Salome, a blind Dreamspeaker with a natural affinity for seeing
and understanding spirits. Played by CalyMaggie Zablonsky, a Cultist of Ecstasy and former movie stuntperson,
and the cabal's sort-of leader. Played by Beth.
ST: Iain.