Climbing Jersey in Stilettos (2/4)

Chronicles of Life and Love in the Soprano State Part 2: Exs and Unfriending on Facebook

This morning Sofia and I met before work and chatted over coffee. She updated me on her shopping sprees for her new apartment, her spontaneous, sexy haircut and living life on her own terms. To date, she has seen Stan twice since moving out; had a brief encounter with Glenn, a former flame; and is now actively dating Josh. Yes, this fiery Latina went from being a caged bird with wounded wings to a rising phoenix making men take notice. Yes, her swagger is BACK.

I updated Sofia on my newest writing venture –a new column, chronicling life and love in Jersey for the Angie’s Diary. I explained that I would take pieces of my life, along with my inner circle, to paint a realistic picture of Jersey –which is far from MTV stereotypes and Hollywood depictions. She was excited about my news and was about to ask me if I’ll be writing about Shena and Elena, when her cell phone began to chime. It was Stan so she rolled her eyes and let it go to voicemail –it seems he’s been calling her frequently to see if she’ll change her mind about moving out. Hey, can someone please tell me when a signed lease and moving van equaled ‘I just want a few days by myself and then I’ll come right back’? Ugh!!

Anyway, I asked her the question all computer-savvy friends ask when a relationship is suppose to be officially over. “When are you going to change your status to ‘single’ on Facebook?” Sofia frowned and gave several reasons why she hasn’t and each added up to either her fear of an emotional confrontation or exploitation of Stan’s resources (like “he’s the only person I know with a truck to help me move in the new couch I ordered”.) Yes, I know women can be shallow when it comes to using a man but don’t act like they don’t use us. We’re the same species just different versions, people. LOL

Sophia didn’t need much prodding to realize her reasons were placing them in some weird sort of limbo. Having one foot in a relationship wasn’t helping her confront being ‘officially’ single and prolonging a relationship when she didn’t love him was making Stan believe she still wanted to come back. What she was doing was equivalent to placing a dog on display at the pound and leaving his nametag on; everyone can see he belongs to someone but only the owner knows she’s NEVER coming back. Poor Stan, no one deserves that.

I asked Sophia to consider making May 1st her official ‘single deadline day’ because she can’t expect Josh or anyone else to wait around while she makes up her mind. But she’s hesitant because Stan revealed he doesn’t remain friends with exs. Internally, I shouted ‘good for you, Stan’ because only a mouth-breathing, purse carrier would wants to see his ex’s wall posts depicting life with a new love.

Now, I’ll admit I’ve been in a similar situation. I friended someone I dated on Facebook, then we broke up so I waited a month to see if we would communicate as friends. But he never communicated –he didn’t comment on my wall status, say ‘hi’ or even click if he ‘liked’ any of my comments. He just existed among my named friends. So I deduced that he was just a voyeur of my Facebook activities and I didn’t need that so I defriended him. And you know happened… the very same day, a few hours later, he sent me a friend request to reestablish contact because for him I was still an option. And for what reason would I ever accept? We weren’t even communicating, Man! UGH!!

This is what everyone needs to understanding about defriending exs on Facebook. Defriending isn’t stating to the world that you think this person is unworthy of your friendship. You’re just saying you don’t think it’s good for your former paramour to see comments, photos and wall post of your life activities without him or her.

Exs need time to detach and go on with their lives. So if you need to send a Facebook message explaining your defriending first, go right ahead but follow thru. Nothing is worse than talking ad nauseam about needing to do something and then failing to do it –that’s just playing games with people’s feelings.

So over my latte, I grinned at Sofia, “It sounds like you like having Stan in your stable of possibilities.”

“No. It’s not like that.”

“You sure? He’s not dating anyone because you haven’t ‘official’ broken up, yet you’re secretly seeing other men –one of which is makes you beam like a freakin’ night light.”

We both knew what she was doing…string him along while she had her cake and ate it too. In the past, our group cursed narcissistic men for the very same thing yet here we sat drinking our Cinnamon Dolce Skinny Lattes trying to pretend this was different and neither of us is an Oscar-award winning actress.

Tell me is it nicer for an ex to believe there’s a hope of a relationship if you’ve moved on? Have you ever unfriended an ex on Facebook? And what was the fallout?

But can you break up with an ex and remain friends? I believe that is very possible, so why do you have to un-friend an ex from facebook if you are still friends. I guess it depends on the circumstances. If you can share so much with someone unless he/she is an absolute horrible and abusive person why can you be friend after the loving is gone. I am interested to hear Angie’s feedback on this.

I’m friends with a lot of my exs on Facebook and my current guy HATES it! I tell him to grow up but after reading about Sophia I must admit I’ve been keeping my options open. Wow, I’d never thought I would say that.