Police Dispatch

SEX-TOY PLOY

NORTH DARLENE DRIVE, CORONA DE TUCSON

SEPT. 18, 7:30 A.M.

A local man received a mysterious package containing a sex toy, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

The man said he had been expecting a shipment of auto parts and found a UPS package on his doorstep. When he opened it, he found it was not car parts, but a shipment from a sex store called Adam and Eve. The contents, valued at $142.20, included a sex-toy gift catalogue and a "pleasure swing." The subject said he hadn't ordered anything of the sort.

When he called the store, he said, he was told the order had been made on a credit card with his name.

He stated that when he called his banks, he was told no fraudulent credit cards had been opened in his name. The subject did mention several previous charges on a debit card (now cancelled), including a charge at an East Coast restaurant. He said he thought his credit was in order.

He said he would return the pleasure swing and be vigilant about his finances.

RUDE AWAKENING

NORTH OLD ROMERO ROAD

SEPT. 13, 5:47 A.M.

A trailer-park resident received a pre-dawn wake-up call—at gunpoint, a PCSD report stated.

The man told deputies he had been roused that morning around 5 a.m. by someone knocking on his trailer door. When he opened it, he said, he saw a dark-haired Caucasian male, unknown to him, standing in boxer shorts and a white T-shirt—and pointing two black semi-automatic pistols directly at his head.

The subject reportedly asked him if he had been banging on the door of the subject's home—apparently, a nearby trailer. When the reportee said he hadn't, the subject inexplicably responded, "Tell your dogs I'm sorry." (The victim wasn't reportedly a dog owner.)

Deputies weren't able to interview the subject. Contacted a few days after the incident, the victim didn't appear to be bothered anymore and chose not to press charges.

OMG, METH, LOL!

UA AREA

OCT. 5, 9:14 A.M.

A UA-area deviant celebrated methamphetamine use with exuberant graffiti, according to a UA Police Department report.

An officer and a police aide patrolling the Biosciences West Building, 1041 E. Lowell St., found writing in black marker on the top step of a stairwell. Written in all capital letters was: "SOO WOO!!! I LOVE METH!!!!!"

The officer took photos for evidence, and dispatchers informed building maintenance about the damage.

“Positively a Penis”

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When hipsters do something that's slightly outside the law yet an innovation over the old guard, they get a Series-C round of funding, Instagram influencers, and fawning media coverage. When Mexicans do it? We get code enforcement.