Dow Surpasses 13,000 Points, Becomes a Man

For the first time since the pre-recession date of May 20, 2008, the Dow Joes ascended above 13,000 points. In the Jewish tradition, the Dow Jones is now a man, and plans to celebrate with a lavish, Hunger Games–themed gala. “The milestone came about two hours into the trading day,” the Associated Press reports. “The average was above 13,000 for about 30 seconds before dropping back. It reclaimed the mark just after noon and again just after 1:30 p.m., then lost all its gains for the day.” Should have saved those gains for college! L’chaim!