Glee

Oh, Glee, you fickle madam. You have more peaks and valleys than Will Schuester’s hairline, and last night (save this Bieber Fever I knew I’d catch) was unfortunately a valley.

That’s not to say it was bad — it was just a bit off. Let’s take a closer look.

Sue was feeling sue-icidal after the Cheerios failed to qualify for nationals. When a vitamin A overdose didn’t do the job, Emma suggested she join Glee to get back some of the champion spirit that helped win her a house full of trophies — and to stop her from rampaging through the halls in search of Glee kids to throw against lockers. Cue Schu’s bitch-face, which, if you’re keeping track, is two parts vexation, one part fear, one part constipation, and two parts hell-to-the-no. But Emma used her magical powers of persuasion on Schu (meaning she winked one of her gigantic eyes and turned him into a state henceforth known as Pillsbury’s dough) and he agreed, knowing it was also a chance to keep an eye on Sue. And Sue, of course, had a plan to destroy Glee from the inside.

Meanwhile, Sam and Quinn found themselves in tough times as Quinn became increasingly uninterested in Sam’s vanilla ways. (By the way, Quinn, crafts can totally be sexy. Ever seen Ghost?) We also learned that Quinn and Finn had fabricated a story about their rumored kiss (and subsequent mono), claiming that she’d saved him from choking on a gumball. Sam sympathized, saying he, too, had had a run-in with a dangerous gumball once upon a time. Ugh. Did anyone else’s heart break for poor, gullible Sam?

Sam didn’t need our pity, though. He planned to get Quinn’s attention back no matter what. So with the determination of a hunter and the sense of a teenager, he formed a one-man band, the Justin Bieber Experience. After a hair makeover (you know, the one where it looks like the back of your hair is trying to eat your face) and a wardrobe overhaul that included the addition of dog tags and a purple hoodie (that’s a confident man right there), he took his act to the ever-competitive bat mitzvah circuit. He found great success and a lot of girls who like to stroke hair. Creepy.

Back in class, Schuester announced that this year’s regionals competition had a theme: anthem. (And there’s your likely title for the season finale, in which the word anthem will likely be used about 150 times.) For Sue, this was a chance to manipulate Mercedes and Rachel into a diva-off, which they eventually settled through song. I was thrilled that their squabble lasted only half an episode. I really love their friendship. It gives Rachel a rare chance to be selfless, and Mercedes gets to have a plot that doesn’t involve her trying to escape Rachel’s shadow. I hope they last longer than most couples on Glee.

Speaking of couples, the boys went to Sam after his Bieber performance got the girls swooning and begged to join his group. Artie’s and Mike’s relationships had fallen into a post-Valentine’s Day slump that couldn’t be solved by ab-flashing. (Shocking, I know; abs are the penicillin of love ailments.) Finn was the odd man out, dissing the Biebs and spending most of the episode jealous of Sam’s mojo. (He finally caved, though.) Finn Hudson, your douche-ectomy is overdue; I hate not loving you.