After Prince William and Duchess Kate blinded a bunch of celebrities with their bright white Stonehenge teefs at that BAFTA event in L.A. last weekend, I wondered why there were only pictures of them shaking hands with JLo, Nicole Kidman, Barbra Streisand and Tom Hanks. There were no pictures of Prince Willy bowing down to the Hollywood beacon of A-list celebrity we call Blake Lively, or any portraits of Kate knighting Chris Evans for his contribution to cinema in Cellular. None of that shit. And Mary-Louise Parker tells us why.

People asked Nancy Botwin if she got to gaze at herself in the skin mirror on Prince William’s head or shake the hand that has twisted Prince Hot Ginge’s nipple in the rugby locker room, and she gave this priceless answer:

“I didn’t meet them. I was shoved out of the way by Jennifer Lopez. Uh oh, I shouldn’t have said that.”

No, Mary-Louise, you should’ve said that AND more. I can just picture that nasty puta JLo blowing out verbal farts about how her assistants call her the American Princess Di while her three-headed rabid dog ass barked, snapped and hissed at any ho who tried to keep her from boning the spotlight. JLo’s guard dog butt was slobbering all over the place, so Mary-Louise decided it was safer just to park Nicole Kidman facing Prince William, crotch down and then have a pretend conversation with his reflection in Nicole’s forehead. But seriously, Mary-Louise should’ve pulled out a flute and lulled JLo’s Cerberus ass to sleep with music.

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