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Glee "Diva" Review: No More Miss Nice Tina (and WTF, Finn/Emma?!)

Wow. Okay. Where to start, Glee? Where to start? After last week’s actually-not-terrible “Naked” explored body issues in a way that didn’t suck, Glee opted to follow up its victory with “Diva,” a celebration of everything awful about its characters. Santana dropped out of college because people didn’t appreciate her “honesty.” Kurt called Rachel out on being a prima donna, which would have meant more if Kurt himself wasn’t also an ego with legs. Finn kissed Emma during a meltdown because I guess we need that storyline. I’m entertained, Glee, but I don’t think I’m entertained the way you intended me to be. But at least I’m entertained!

Finn struggled to figure out how to motivate and inspire the New Directions to give their all at the upcoming Regionals, an opportunity courteously left to them by the conveniently disqualified Warblers. Emma who was equally worried (if not more so) about her upcoming wedding day, recommended a Diva Week to get the gang pumped up on self-importance. Sounds fun! And by “sounds fun” I mean, “sounds like I’m going to hate everyone for the next forty-two minutes!”

Finn invited Santana to rehearsal to show everyone what a quality diva she was, and also to make Tina’s head explode. Poor Tina. She even broke my heart a little once we established that she wasn’t going to use Blaine’s Ny-Quil coma as an opportunity to cross a few too many lines into Rapey-land. Don’t get me wrong, it was a little awkward (did she have to straddle him to smooth vapo-rub on his chest?), but then she cried and it was sad and tragic because she couldn’t help who she had a crush on, just like Blaine couldn’t help who he DIDN’T have a crush on, but as long as no one started harboring unrealistic expectations, we could just ride out the hormone storm and everything would be fine.

And then came the unrealistic expectations. I thought we had reached an understanding, a sucky and unfortunate understanding that left no one particularly happy, but really, it was the only understanding in town if Blaine and Tina were to continue being awesome besties. Blaine is gay. Blaine is super gay. He isn’t bi or questioning or curious. Blaine knows what he’s attracted to and he knows that he isn’t attracted to women. He told Tina. She asked. I’m sure that wasn’t the answer she really wanted to hear, but hey, he was honest. Can’t blame him for being honest. Can’t even really blame him for being unconscious when Tina spilled her guts, since it was established that he was rocking the cold from hell and spent half the episode sailing on a codeine high. Wheee!

So I’m not entirely sure what right Tina had to go all diva on his ass? She was hurt, but it’s not like he intentionally—or even unintentionally—hurt her. It was an impossible situation that Tina was aware of from the very beginning. Neither of them did anything wrong. There are so many things that Tina could have used to “find her inner diva”; after all, this was supposed to be her big year and so far it’s been a big rip-off. I’m not sure some imaginary wrong was required.

But still, yay for Tina finding that inner-diva and finally winning something! I was right there with her “I swear to God if Santana wins this...” leading up to the announcement that Tina won Diva Week. AND Blaine asked her to be his +1 to the Emma/Schue wedding next week after he apologized for whatever he was supposed to apologize for.

And now back to those repulsive NYADA people! Kurt challenged Rachel to a Midnight Madness sing-off to knock her down a few pegs/shake her self-appointed diva pedestal. I’m not sure I could identify the straw that broke the Hummel’s back since he won last week's boobies battle and Rachel didn’t seem to be doing anything particularly worse than usual this week before Kurt started his campaign against her, but that’s just how Glee works these days. The powers that be decided we needed a Kurt vs. Rachel storyline and dammit, that’s what we got. They sang “Bring Him Home” from Les Mis. It was lovely. Rachel was better, but Kurt won because the story needed him to win in order to complete Rachel’s punishment for daring to be... Rachel. Honestly, the only differences between Lima Rachel and Manhattan Rachel are longer lashes and shorter skirts. She’s always gone through cycles of insecure-obnoxious-repeat. Furthermore, you can’t sit there and encourage your pal to be the fierce, amazing, wonderful, blessed lady-savior of Broadway and then get all bent out of shape when she thinks she’s the best thing eva. Mixed signals, yo.

Victorious, Kurt used his influence over the little people to let NYADA know that the Adams Apples were COOL and so was Rachel—even though he rejected her own defense of him and his activities back when she was Queen of the Shallow People. They made up and decided to audition for a revival of Funny Girl. I wonder if that truce will extend through yet another roommate joining the lease at Rachel’s invite. Poor Kurt might as well just be a piece of furniture in his own apartment, considering the way no one ever asks if it’s okay with Kurt before they move in. Also, where is everyone sleeping? These are (supposedly) poor college kids roughing it in the big city. Are they renting the TARDIS?

Before shacking up with the diva brigade in New York, Santana swung by Lima to both inspire and terrorize her former glee club. I’m curious about how she managed to get backing from an entourage of college cheerleaders if she'd dropped out a month earlier, but then again, she paid that one chick to pose as her way-better-than-Brittany girlfriend, so maybe the whole group was on her payroll. Idk. Sue called her on ditching the scholarship Sue had nabbed for her, then offered her a job coaching the Cheerios because McKinley High has absolutely no hiring standards. Also, when you do a favor for someone and that person ultimately wastes the favor, you should do them MORE favors. ALSO ALSO when you drop out of college, if you linger around your high school long enough like the sad, aimless Lima Losers you mock so freely, someone will just offer you employment because you’re so special.

Santana ultimately turned Sue’s offer down. She wasn’t in Lima looking for a job anyway. She was in Lima looking to break up Brittany and Sam because she still loved Brittany and Sam was unworthy. That doesn’t sound deranged or stalkery at all. Thankfully, Brittany was wise to Santana’s intentions and refused to ditch Sam, pointing out that he makes her think about things like where air comes from and why in every movie about Jesus, he dies at the end. <3 her.

I was worried there for a minute. Brittany dating Sam didn’t necessarily mean that Brittany was over Santana, but it appears that not only is Brittany over her, she’s also apparently mature enough to maintain a non-romantic friendship, which is something Glee struggles to comprehend as a possibility for its characters. I’m looking at you, Finn and Emma. Emma’s OCD-fueled breakdown over her fears that her wedding won’t be “perfect” could have been a touching moment, with Finn offering encouragement to one of the adults who has often been such a wonderful source of support in his own life. But no, we had to go the inappropriate-kissing route.

Ugh, Glee, get it together! I know you can do it!

MUSICAL NOTES

– Glee playlist time: Uhhh “Girl on Fire” with Santana and Tina’s Madonna routine. I mean, she even wore the hot pink spandex!

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