trust

I am not a very trusting person. I always feel like something bad is going to happen.

But sometimes trusting is the only thing you can do.

In October I had a miscarriage. I was open about the pain and the devastation that caused. After having the D&C I was told I had to wait.

Wait to see how my body would respond. I needed to have 2 normal period cycles before Keith and I could start trying again. Although no one could tell me exactly when that first period would come.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

There is so much fear in the waiting. I had no control over what was going on inside me. There have been tears, anger, jealousy and impatience.

Doctors said if I hadn’t started by mid-December I should come back in for some tests. I was scared.

What if I didn’t start?

Will I have fertility problems again?

Am I ever going to be a mom?

Days ticked by and the more desperate I became.

Until yesterday.

I started.

Never in my life have I been so happy to start my period. (My 18-year-old self is laughing at the irony)

I guess I need to learn to trust my body. Trust that it knows what it is doing. Trust that the miscarriage was for a reason and trust that my body is going to be there for me as long as I honor it and trust it and believe in it.

This is the first step in the right direction and today I am just going to be happy about that.

ps – totally random, but this made me think about the first time I got my period AFTER my son was born. For the whole pregnancy (this was post-miscarriage), I was nervous every time I went to the bathroom that I’d see blood. Then I didn’t have a period for a long time after his birth because I was breastfeeding. When I finally had a period I freaked out for a second, because I was so conditioned to think that bleeding was a bad thing. It took a few minutes for my heart rate to calm down and to remember that it was totally normal.