Simpsons Quotes

Apu: Ah! The searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying.

Bart: Milhouse! You were supposed to be the night watchman!
Milhouse: I was watching. First it started falling over, then it fell over.
Bart: Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go...
[the rats run over to Moe's]
Moe: All right, everybody tuck your pants into your socks!

Homer: I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, your sexual harassment suit is exactly what I need to help rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
Marge: But it's only 9:30 in the morning!
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.

Patty: Some days we don't let the line move at all.
Selma: Yeah, we call those WEEKdays.

Lisa: Dad, what's a Muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...
[laughs hysterically]
Homer: So to answer your question, I don't know.

Lisa: As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you should know that your refusal will result in months and months of...
Bart, Lisa: CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
Homer: I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

Lisa's Brain: They're only pretending to be your friends because of the pool.
Lisa: Shut up, brain! I don't need you any more, I'm popular now!

Milhouse: Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.
Bart: Aw come on, I see you cry all the time. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when we're out of chocolate milk, you cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
Milhouse: Well, I didn't want you to see me cry THIS time.

Mulder: Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
Homer: The evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
Homer: We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

Mr. Burns: A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

Willy: Don't be hard on the wee boy. His father is going to ga-ga and chop 'em all into haggis.
Bart: What's haggis?
Willy: You read my mind boy. You've got the shinning!
Bart: You mean "shining"?
Willy: Shh! You want to get sued?

[Bart & Lisa are reading a magazine at the Kwik-E-Mart.]
Apu: Hey, hey, this is not a lending library. If you're not going to buy that thing put it down or I'll blow your heads off!

[George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling:]
Lisa: I want to help you, George Washington!
Bart: [walking by her room] "I want to help you... George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square.

Bart: As God as my witness, I WILL pass the fourth grade!
Homer: And if you don't pass, you'll be bigger than the other kids.

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

Mr. Burns: You're fired.
Marge: You can't fire me just because I'm married. I'm gonna sue the pants off of you.
Mr. Burns: You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Lisa: Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.

Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

Lisa: I like him! He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance...
Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning.
Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.
Marge: Mmm...

Moe: Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

Reverned Lovejoy: This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Now let's say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate!

Kent Brockman: ...and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

Mr. Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut!

Principal Skinner: Children, I couldn't help monitoring you conversation. There's no mystery about Willy. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.

Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Oooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled.]
Shopkeeper: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

[Bart's looking for his dog.]
Willy: Yeah, I bought your mutt -- and I 'ate 'im!
[Bart gasps.]
Willy: I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'! So I gave 'im to the church.
Bart: Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
Willy: Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug.
[Bart stares.]
Willy: Ya heard me!

Grampa Simpson: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.

[Bart doing a newscast on a kids news show.]
Bart: Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.

Barney: I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm and alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.
Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem!

Marge: I think we're going to need a bigger place.
Homer: No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it.
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.
Homer: He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Marge: Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention, but all the while, our little Lisa's becoming a young woman.
Homer: Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing.

Marge: So Mr King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?
Steven King: Actually, I'm taking a break from horror for the time being.
Marge: Oh, that's too bad.
Steven King: At the moment I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He was a fascinating man who discovered electricity, and used it to torture children and green mountain men. And that key he tied to a kite - it opened the gates to Hell!
Marge: Well, when you go back to horror will you let me know?
Steven King: Will do.

Homer: Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.
Homer: I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Homer: Aww.

Bart: You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids who wear them get *beaten up*.
Marge: Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.

Marge: Homer, I think the baby's coming.
Homer: Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?

Mr. Burns: Who is that fireband, Smithers?
Smithers: That's Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: Simpson, eh? New man?
Smithers: He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...
Mr. Burns: Doesn't ring a bell.

Homer: I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

Chief Wiggum: See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.

Bart: Hey Homer, this house sucks!
Homer: Bart, I told you to never use that word! Call me Daddy.

[Lisa fears a new girl in school is more talented than she.]
Marge: Believe me, honey. She's more scared of you than you are of her.
Lisa: You're thinking of bears, mom.

Judge: Mr. Hutz, are you aware you're not wearing any pants?
Lionel Hutz: Uh, your Honor, can I call for one of those bad trial thingys?
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Lionel Hutz: Yeah...that's why you're the judge, and I am the law.. talkin'...guy.

Homer: I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!

Lisa: Why do I have the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?

Willy: There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman!

[Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu's job back.]
Apu: There it is, the world's first convenience store.
Homer: This isn't very convenient.
Apu: Must you knock on everything we do?

Homer: Hey boy! Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grampa Simpson: I'll play catch with you!
Homer: Go home.

Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed? That's the American way.

Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

Lisa: Dad, we did something horrible!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Homer: [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever.
[brief pause]
Homer: Thy bidding will be done.
[munch munch munch]

Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

Kang: We must move forward... not backwards, not to the side, not forwards, but always whirling, whirling, whirling towards freedom!

[Comic Book visits a dating service and grabs all the one-nighter presentation videotapes]
Clerk: Are you going to call all those women?
Comic Book Guy: No, the tapes will do just fine.

Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you.
Homer: I like you.
Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you.
Homer: Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.

[Bart has an earring]
Bart: Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age?
Homer: Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different!

Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
Homer: Three minutes!
[whistles]
Marge: I never realized history was so filthy!

Homer: Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

Ralph Wiggum: Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

Homer: How about it Bart, would you like a new backyard BBQ pit?
Bart: Can I burn evidence in it?
Homer: We can *all* burn evidence in it.

Astra: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
Homer: In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee!

[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket.]
Homer: I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine".
Guard: And your name is...?
Homer: Uhh... Shiney McShine.

Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.

Kent Brockman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
Homer: See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

Hollis Hurlbut: Now get out! You're banned from this historical society! You and your children, and your children's children! ...For three months.

Homer: Dig him up! Dig up that corpse! If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong! Dig up his grave! Pull out his tongue!
Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

Homer: Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Pepi: Tell me more! I want to know ALL the constellations!
Homer: Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan, the cowboy.

Marge: I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
Homer: I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke! It just keeps going faster and faster.
Marge: And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.
[Looks out window]
Bart: [creepily] Hello, mother dear.
Marge: That's it, we have to get them back to school.
Homer: I'm with you, Marge. Lisa! Get in here.
[Lisa walks in]
Homer: In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Homer: I don't care if Ned Flanders IS the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk. End of story.

Homer: [to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!

Homer: Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Homer: Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all!

Homer: English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Homer: I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the world! I wanna watch TV in a different time zone! I wanna visit strange, exotic malls! I'm sick of eating hoagies! I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero! I want to LIVE, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?!

[Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe.]
Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!
[walks out, slams door, then sticks head back in]
Homer: Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh.

Mr. Burns: So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?
Smithers: What?????!!!!!
Mr. Burns: You know, light and fancy free! Mothers, lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town!
Smithers: Oh! Of course.

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.

[Nelson's friends catch him kissing Lisa.]
Kearney: Aw man! You just kissed a girl!
Jimbo Jones: That is so gay!

Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.

Bart: We want the truth!
Sideshow Bob: You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! I deride your truth-handling abilities.

Ned Flanders: Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful day.
Superintendent Chalmers: "Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion!

[Homer is calling home from a mental institution.]
Bart: Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
Homer: Boy, when I get home, I'm gonna wrap my hands around your neck and...
[noticing the orderlies glaring at him, he relents]
Homer: ...smother you with kisses.
Bart: Homer, whatever they've got you on, cut the dose!

Mother Simpson: [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
Homer: Seven!
Lisa: No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
Homer: OK, eight.
Lisa: Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
Homer: Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?

Ned Flanders: Homer, I think you hit something.
Homer: I hope it was Flanders!

Maude Flanders: Neddy, I've had just about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll go get some hot dogs.
Ned Flanders: No foot-longs!
Maude Flanders: I know, they make you uncomfortable.

Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right!
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats! I almost had him eating dog food.

Homer: [Comforting] There, there. Shut up boy.

Homer: Lurleen, wait!
Lurleen Lumpkin: Yeah?
Homer: I just wanted to say your song touched me deeply in a way I've never felt before... and which way to the can?

Lurleen Lumpkin: You know, no man's ever been nice to me without wanting something in return.
Homer: Well, I *was* going to ask you for a glass of water, but now I feel guilty about it.

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie - one to lie, and one to listen.
Marge: What does *that* mean?

Moe: Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe: The results came back today.

Ralph Wiggum: That's where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to burn things.

Mr. Burns: This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.

[playing a religious board game]
Lisa: Where are the dice?
Todd Flanders: Daddy says dice are wicked.
Rod Flanders: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way.

Bill Clinton: I know you don't think you're good enough for me, but believe me, you are. Hell, I done it with pigs. Real, no-foolin' pigs!

Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, frankly you've been a bit of a pill lately.
Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?

Marge: Homer, a man who called himself "you-know-who" just invited you to a secret "wink-wink" at the "you-know-what". You are certainly are popular now that you've become a Stonecutter.
Homer: Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.

[Cecil is about to blow up Sideshow Bob and Bart.]
Cecil Terwilliger: You may feel a slight ringing in your ears. Unfortunately, you will be nowhere near them.

Marge: Homer, I thought our marriage could survive anything, but last night, you not only crossed the line, you threw up on it!

Grampa Simpson: [typing letter] 'Dear Mr. President. There are too many states. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.'

Homer: Marge, I wanna be a blackjack dealer.
Marge: Homer, no.
Homer: But it's my lifelong dream!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to appear on "The Gong Show", and you did it, in 1977!
[Homer has a flashback to him and Barney playing an oversized harmonica]
Homer: We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.

Mr. Bergstrom: And for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys. Big guys, who were great shots, and spent money freely.

Homer: How was everyone's day at school?
Bart: Horrible!
Lisa: Pointless!
Marge: Exhausting! It took the class 40 minutes to locate Canada on a map.
Homer: Oh, honey, anyone could miss Canada. All tucked way down there.

Homer: That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow! A *blue car*!

Sideshow Bob: [hypnotizing Bart] You are in my power.
Bart: [in a hypnotic voice] I am at your command.
Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.
Bart: I am in your power.
Sideshow Bob: That's better. No, go back to command. I like that better.

Barney: I think we'd be all better off if each country had it's own planet.
Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

Ned Flanders: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "Think!"?
Homer: You mean Lisa?

Homer: Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around.
[Homer starts pushing Lisa around]
Homer: D'you want that? Huh? Do ya?
Lisa: No...

Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe! Just like elves, and gremlins, and Eskimos.

Homer: You can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with their crooked games.

Ned Flanders: The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous!
Maude Flanders: Isn't that Homer Simpson?
Ned Flanders: Huh, looks like Heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State!

Bart: Dad, is this art or is it vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide.

Krusty the Clown: You, sir, are an idiot!

Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
Lisa: No there aren't.
Bart: Teacher's pet! Apple polisher! Butt kisser!
Homer: Bart! You're saying butt kisser like it's a bad thing!

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done!
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.

Lenny: There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people.
Carl: Vengeance isn't too bad either

[After picking up the phone]
Moe: Moe's Tavern! Hold on, I'll check.
[To the bar]
Moe: Hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.
[the bar laughs]
Moe: Oh, wait a minute!

Ralph Wiggum: Hi Principal Skinner! Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Homer: Oh Bart, don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake up dead tomorrow!

Sideshow Bob: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college.
Cecil Terwilliger: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

Lisa: Um, do you know what you're doing?
Sideshow Bob: Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without learning a *few* things about dynamite.

Duff book of records: Springfield is now the fastest city in the U.S.
Homer: Woo Hoo! In your face Milwaukee!

Marge: Homer, we can't take his money!
Homer: Aww, I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work for my money! Why don't I just lay down and die!

[a gay pride parade is marching past the Simpson home]
Gay men: We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!
Lisa: We are used to it! You do this every year!
Gay man: Aww, you take all the fun out of it.

Homer: Save me Jeebus!

Rev. Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are seven hundred million of us!
Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super!

Mr. Burns: Woah, slow down there maestro. There's a *New* Mexico?

Restaurant Owner: C'Mon! You gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change!

[Homer and Marge discuss the dangers of a monorail]
Marge: What if something goes wrong?
Homer: Pffft...what if...what I slipped on a bar of soap in the shower?... Oh my god! I'd be killed!

Barney: [drinking beer from the tap at Moe's] Uh-oh, my heart just stopped!
[pauses]
Barney: Oh, there it goes!

Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.

Warden: He drew a unicorn in space. I ask ya, what's it breathing?
Homer: Air?
Warden: Ain't no air in space.
Homer: There's an Air & Space Museum...

Groundskeeper Willie: All right Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around!

[After days and days on a hunger strike, Homer hallucinates.]
Homer: Hey, who are you?
Ghost: The ghost of Caesar Chavez.
Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
Ghost: Cause you don't know what Caesar Chavez looks like.

Homer: The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.

Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
Bart: Milhouse has one.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff?! I'm there!
Homer: Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud naval tradition.
Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me!
Homer: Oh...I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
Lisa: Can I?
Homer: No!

Lisa: Bart, this is priceless!
Bart: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind of priceless?

Principal Skinner: Are you the substitute?
Bergstrom: Yessir, yes I aim.
Principal Skinner: Are you insane?

Lenny: So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence. . .of being a jerk!"

Mayor Quimby: And let me just say: May the Force be with you!
Leonard Nimoy: [annoyed] Excuse me, do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

Lisa: All we found were these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous.
Ralph Wiggum: I ated the purple berries... oooh, oohh
[falls to ground]
Ralph Wiggum: ooohhh!
Lisa: How are they Ralph? Good?
Ralph Wiggum: They taste like...burning!

Bart: Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you, you're an emotional guy, just because you were mad last night, there's no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning, so I figured....
Homer: I'll show you mad in the morning!!!!!
[strangles Bart]

[Discussing Science versus Religion]
Ned Flanders: Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know. Important things!

[Homer is heading out to participate in Whacking Day.]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, for the last time, please don't lower yourself to the level of the mob!
Homer: Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions. Now where's my foam cowboy hat and airhorn?

[Barry White is the Guest of Honor on Whacking Day.]
Mayor Quimby: Now I'd like to introduce the Prophet of Love, Larry White.
Barry White: It's Barry White.
Mayor Quimby: No, the card says Larry White.
Barry White: I think I know my own name.
Mayor Quimby: Yeah, well we'll just see about that!

Lisa: Dad, what would you say if I told you that you can lose weight without dieting?
Homer: I'd say you were a lying scumbag. Why, honey?

[Getting death threat letters has made Bart paranoid on his way to school.]
Marge: [menacingly, with large scissors] Bart... I'm going to GET you...
[brightly, clipping coupons]
Marge: ...some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola!
[Bart walks down the street.]
Ned Flanders: [menacingly, wearing a Freddy Kreuger razor glove] Say your prayers, Simpson....
[brightly]
Ned Flanders: ...because the schools can't force you like they should!
[to Maude]
Ned Flanders: Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church!
[Bart enters class.]
Edna: [menacingly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...
[brightly]
Edna: ...in our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzy!
[Martin is wearing a dress and a wig, wielding an axe.]
Martin Prince: Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart!

[In the school cafeteria.]
Edna: Seymour, you have to think of the children's future.
Seymour: Oh, Edna! We all know that these children HAVE no future!
[Everyone stops and stares at Seymour.]
Seymour: Prove me wrong children! Prove me wrong!

Bart: Dad, your half-assed underparenting was a lot funnier than your half-assed overparenting.
Homer: But this time I'm using my whole ass!

Ralph Wiggum: Well, well, well. If it isn't that stupid cop from TV.
[picks his ear with his gun]

Lisa: Mom, what's happening?
Marge: I'm sorry, honey, but we're renting your room to a satellite network until your father can pay for the destruction of a priceless artifact. Boy, I never thought I'd have to say that again.

[The Simpsons got a automatic house, that does everything for them]
Marge Simpson: Ooh, look, we can choose its personality.
[Clicks on Matthew Perry]
House: Could I BE more of a house?

[Flanders has been transformed into a cow by Hibbert]
Ned Flanders: Oh, I'm not asking much, Homer! I just want you to squeeze my teats and harvest my milk.

[Homer is surrounded by crows at Moe's Bar]
Moe Szyslak: Alright, get 'em outta here! This ain't no crow-bar. THIS is a crow-bar.
[Moe reaches under the counter and pulls out a portrait of crows sitting at a bar]
Moe Szyslak: See? They got their little stools and everything.

Homer: I don't see any shirts saying Homer is a dope!
Salesman: They sold out ten minutes ago.
Homer: I'll take one!

Lisa: If you believe in angels then why not unicorns or leprechauns?
Kent Brockman: Oh Lisa everyone knows leprechauns are extinct!

Homer: [lying in a hammock, sings] You put the beer in the coconut and drink it all up, you put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away.
[The can hits Flanders on the head]
Ned Flanders: Homer!
Homer sings: You throw the can away.
[Another can hits Ned]
Ned Flanders: I said, Homer!

Sideshow Bob: Homer, how can one man have so many enemies?
Homer: I'm a people person!

[Homer is dressed up as a Teletubby]
Homer: Hey, Maggie! I'm daddy, the teletubby! And, I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise.

Marge Simpson: Bart's grades are up a little this term! But Lisa's are way down.
Homer: Oh, why do we always hae to have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge Simpson: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid.
Marge Simpson: No, I mean Maggie.
Homer: Oh, yeah.

Grampa Simpson: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the outhouse.
Marge: We don't have an outhouse.
Homer: My tool shed!

Ned Flanders: Pardon me, neighbourinos. Some of our boys are lost in your town. You wouldn't have happenned to see them, by any chance?
Shelbyville Guy #1: Typical. Springfieldians can't take care of their kids.
Shelbyville Guy #2: Yeah. That's why we beat them at football almost half the time.

[Homer is setting up a rocket Bart purchased]
Bart: This is gonna be cool!
Lisa: And also educational! We can learn about science!
Homer: Science!
Bart: Uh...she didn't say 'science', she said.....'pie pants'
Homer: Mmmm...pie pants...

Krusty The Clown: Hey yutz! Guns aren't toys --- they're for family protection, hunting dangerous and delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out your face!

[Bart is panhandling on New York City train]
Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to disturb your pleasant ride. But unlike yourselves, I was born without tastebuds. Let me demonstrate.
[licks pole]
Bart: Yuuk...
[talks to himself]
Bart: ---> I'm in way over my head here.
[talks to passengers again]
Bart: ---> Thank you for your time.
[Walks to next train cart]

[Bart and Lisa both want to go to the Krusty Anniversary Show, and Ralph Wiggum has tickets to take himself and her; his crush]
Lisa: I don't even know if I should go. I don't even like him.
Bart: You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. I'll go disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he ---
Bart: [interrupts Lisa] You don't wanna know how far I'll go.

Homer: If the Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Mr. Burns: Simpson! I've been reviewing your performance record, and it is appalling! It says here that you caused 17 meltdowns!
Bart: I'm not Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: I know who Homer Simpson is! Not only that, but you also sold plutonium to the Iraqis... with no mark-up!

[Homer donates 10000$ to PBS]
Marge: [to Lisa] From now on, one of us stays home all the time.
Lisa: Agreed.

Radio Announcer: So, Monty, tell us when was your first gay experience.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that was when I was 5. My father took me to the park, that was a gay old time.

Homer: Guys, I'm sorry I got you expelled.
Nerd #1: Don't worry, Homer. We can take care of ourselves.
[the nerds take two steps, and Snake jumps out of the bushes]
Snake: Uhh, wallet inspector.
Nerd #2: Okay. Here you go.
[all nerds hand him their wallets]
Homer: Wait. That wasn't the wallet inspector...

[Marge made a disgusting breakfast]
Lisa: [whispers] Dad, I know a way to get out of this.
[out loud]
Lisa: Say, Dad,
[winks]
Lisa: would you like to see my project for the school science fair?
[winks]
Homer: No, Lisa,
[winks]
Homer: but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast.
[winks]

Milhouse: I can't go to juvie, they use guys like me as currency!

[Cletus is making out with his wife]
Cletus's wife: Dang, Cletus, why'd y'all have to park in front of my parents' trailer?
Cletus: Now, darlin', they's my parents too.

Jimbo Jones: Hey look! Milhouse has an earring!
[Everyone on the bus starts chanting Milhouse's name in recognition of his newfound coolness.]
Bart: Hey, if you want cool, check this out. (Singing and dancing) Everybody if you can do the Bart, Man! Shake your body turn it out if you can, can! Do the Bart, Man, yeah!
Ralph Wiggum: That is so 1991.

Homer: But Marge! You being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman! And I have no interest in that. Besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Moe: [dancing on top of the bar] Money gets you one more round, drink it down, you stupid clown. Money gets you one more round, and you're out on your ass!
[falls off bar]
Moe: OW, my back!

Homer: Barney's movie had heart, but Football In The Groin had a football in the groin.

Lisa: My family never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd.
Comic Book Guy: We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?
[open his jacket to show off his shirt]
Lisa: [reading the shirt] "C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN".
[laughs]
Lisa: Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.
Professor Frink: Yes, we call that the "Dennis Miller Ratio."

Bart: [In a creepy English accent] Join us tomorrow and everyday until the curfew is lifted as we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.
Bart: [In the same accent] And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh.

[Homer is drunk]
Lisa: You saved us, dad! You did it!
Homer: I could do a lot more things if I had some money.
Lisa: Wha?...

Marge: Who cut my brakes?!
Homer: Oh, yeah. When I was fixing your car, I kinda spilled all your break liquid. I didn't want to tell you, 'cause I thought you'd get mad.

Krusty The Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hanta virus?! That came out of left field! So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box...
[gets interrupted by a newscast]

Homer: If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!

[Homer, Lenny, Carl and Barney are sitting in Homer's garage, drinking]
Homer: [to Marge] Barkeep! Another beer!
Marge: Wasn't this supposed to be your tavern?
Homer: It's a family place! Right, kids?
Lisa: Can we go to bed now?

[Otto left his fiancee at the altar because of Marge]
Bart: Say, I got an idea! Why don't you stay with us?
Marge: Bart, remember that talk we had about inviting people to stay with us without asking?
Homer: Marge, remember that talk we had about ruining peoples' weddings?

Social Worker: So, this is your room?
Lisa: Yes. My room is my sanctuary. My family members know that and respect that.
Bart: [runs in] Lisa, I got sprayed by a skunk! Let me rub it off on your sweaters!
Lisa: [takes out stress ball and starts squeezing it] Just ten more years, just ten more years, just ten more years...

[Ginger wakes up next to Abe]
Ginger: Wha?!
Abe Simpson: Good morning, honey!
Ginger: Who are you?
Abe Simpson: I'm your husband! We got married yesterday!
Ginger: But, how? We didn't?... You know. Did we?
Abe Simpson: You know, we almost didn't. But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer.

Homer: Yep, nobody's more wild and youthful than old man Burns.

[Homer is strangling Bart because he made a popular cartoon based on him]
Bart: [chokes] There's going to be a movie about you.
Homer: [stops choking Bart] Who's going to play me?
Bart: John Goodman.
Homer: [continues choking Bart] Isn't it obvious it should be Gary Oldman?!

Marge: So you're saying that I should bribe Lisa back to Christianity?
Rev. Lovejoy: Sure! You could save a lot more souls with roller-skates and Easy-Bake ovens, than with this
[lifts Bible]
Rev. Lovejoy: 2000 page sleeping pill.

[While Moe is away, Homer is in charge of the bar]
Homer: [picks up phone] Hello?
Bart: Hello, is Ali Tabooger there?
Homer: Ooh, Bart! My first prank phone call! What do I do? What do I do?
Bart: Don't panic. Just ask for Ali Tabooger.
Homer: I don't get it.
Bart: Ask for I'll Eat A Booger.
Homer: What's the joke?
Bart: [sighs] Forget it.
[hangs up]

[In gymnastics class]
Lugasz: Great day, today! Everyone was great! Cats back for everybody!
Gymnast: Uhh, I had a dog.
Lugasz: Is cat, now!

[In order to go to College, Lisa convinced two College girls that her house is an off-campus dorm]
College Girl #1: Hey, Lisa. Where've you been?
Lisa: In heaven!
College Girl #2: I love her. She's such a free spirit.
College Girl #1: She has to be, where she lives. That place had a Manson Family vibe...

Ralph Wiggum: Why do people keep running away from me?
[wets himself and smiles]

Marge: [about a gay man] Homer, he prefers the company of men.
Homer: Who doesn't?

Brazillian Kidnapper: [opens suitcase full of money] Ahh, look at all that pink and purple! Our money sure is gay.

Bart: Why would Duff publish a book.
Lisa: It was designed to settle fights in taverns.
Homer: Whoo-hoo! She said "tavern"! I'm going to Moe's!
[runs away and drives off]
Marge: I never agreed to that rule!

[Lisa is missing a crayon; Homer had a crayon removed from his brain making him smarter]
Marge: [reassuringly] Sweetheart, the missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer: [crashes through living room window and holds up two fistfuls of tickets] Who wants lottery tickets?!
Marge: [resigned] Okay, it's in his brain.
[leaves]

Manjula: Apu, you have completed the list. You may now move back with your family in your never ending disgrace.
Homer: Wait a minute. You forgot to eat a light bulb.
Apu: Thank you very much, you fat blabbermouth! Sorry, sorry. It's been a rough month.
Homer: [gives him light bulb] Here you go!
[whispers]
Homer: Don't worry. I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.

Professor Frink: Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the "hoyven," or the "maven," or was it the whole guh-HOYVEE! ...thing ...that I do?

Fat Tony: Greetings, Homer.
Homer: Hey, Tony. Still with the mafia?
Fat Tony: Uh, yes, thank you for asking. You might remember, a while ago you were done a favor by our...how shall I put this...mafia crime syndicate.
Homer: Oh yeah, that's right?
Fat Tony: Well, I have come to inform you that now it's your turn to do US a favor.
Homer: Wait - you mean the only reason the Mob did me a favor was because they wanted something back in return? Fat Tony! I say good day to you, sir.
Fat Tony: [Ashamed] Okay...I'll go now.
[He leaves the building.]
Fat Tony: Hey...wait a minute!!

Homer: Oh, I almost forgot. While I was at the court house, I had them change your name.
Marge: To what?
Homer: Chesty La Rue.
Marge: CHESTY LARUE?
Homer: Just try it for two weeks. If you don't like it, you can be Busty St. Claire.
Marge: I don't want to be Chesty La Rue or Busty St. Claire.
Homer: Fine. Hooty McBoob it is.
Marge: Goodnight, Homer.
Homer: Goodnight, Hooty.
Marge: Give me those.

Homer: Here, little fella'.
[Homer pours beer into Linguo's mouth]
Lisa Simpson: Dad! No!
Linguo: Error.
Homer: I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot.
Lisa Simpson: Oh! This is why I can't have nice things. Grrr... every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and breaks it.

Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
Bart: Thanks, Mom.
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmmmm.

Homer: Lisa, why didn't you warn me?! Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends.
Lisa: Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact I made a graph...
[wistfully]
Lisa: I make alot of graphs...

[The oil rig Homer's working on has caught on fire]
Homer: Oh no! This is how faceless Joe lost his legs!

Marge: I can't even think of how many times your father has done something crazy.
Lisa: WAIT A MINUTE!
[pulls out a timekeeper]
Lisa: Yup, 300 times!

L.T Smash: [Watching Bart's Band] Those guys are gonna be huge.
[To Skinner]
L.T Smash: And you tried to get in their way!
Principal Skinner: No I didn't! I even got in early to prepare orange drink.
L.T Smash: Orange drink? What, do you live with your mother?
Principal Skinner: *She* lives with *me*!

[hardly anyone is in church]
Rev. Lovejoy: I'm glad to see that some of you can stay away from the lures of the big game.
Man: OH MY GOD THE GAME!
[He runs out of church]

Lou: Another case of Monopoly-related violence.
Chief Wiggum: How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?

Lisa: I think it's ironic that dad saved the day while a slimmer man would've fallen to his death.
Bart: Yeah, and I think it's ironic that dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic gas.

Principal Skinner: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. If I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. You heard me. I think words I would never say.
Homer: I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow.

Ned Flanders: Sir... There's no reason Sarah needs to do this scene in the altogether.
Sara Sloane: Sam, he's got a point. Katherine Hepburn never showed her breasts.

Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
Lawyer: How many people in this courtroom are thinking of killing her right now?
[a few people raise their hands]
Lawyer: Be honest...
[everyone raises their hand]
Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.

Lenny: With a woman working here, we wont be able to spit on the floor anymore.
Carl: And we wont be able to take our pants off when it gets really hot.
Homer: And we wont be able to pee in the drinking fountain...

Chief Wiggum: All right, Simpson, where's the fire?
[Homer points to the police station, which is on fire]
Chief Wiggum: All right, Simpson. You just bought yourself a 417, pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 413? No, a 413 is a dog, and... um... you're in trouble, pal!

Homer: [singing along to the tune of Chumbawumba's "Tumpthumping"] I take a whiskey drink, I take a coffee drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink! I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy!

Sherri Bobbins: I can do everything from reading bedtime stories to changing diapers.
Grampa Simpson: Put me down for one of each.

Ned Flanders: Ho ho ho, suckin' down the cider, uh? Hey, word to the wise --
[shows Homer a card]
Ned Flanders: season pass! It pays for itself after the sixteenth visit. You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do. Now here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella', you've got juice there, fella! If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kinda tricky here...
Homer's Brain: You can stay, but I'm leaving.
[Homer's brain floats away]
Ned Flanders: ... can be yellow, if they're using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.
[Homer collapses]

Marge: Careful of that apple pie on the back seat...
Grampa Simpson: Uh-oh!
Marge: Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?
Grampa Simpson: I sure hope so!

Bart: Grampa, I need some advice. Did you ever fall in love with an older woman?
Abe Simpson: I fell in love with the OLDEST woman! A hundred and twenty-four years old, she was! Here's a picture of her delivering Eubie Blake.
Bart: Wow! What happened?
Abe Simpson: She fell in with that Guinness Book of Records crowd; all of a sudden she didn't have time for me. Ohhh, I wore a fifteen-pound beard of bees for that woman, but it wasn't enough.

Bart: Hi Krusty.
Krusty: How'd you get in here?
Bart: The doorman died.
Krusty: Oh no! He was my agent!

Homer: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college!
Bart: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

Homer: [thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
Mr. Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking. I want to take the pressure off. Now, it doesn't take a `whiz' to know that you're looking out for `Number One'. Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon.

Milhouse: Step over this line and say that. I'll kick your butt...at Nintendo.

Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.

[At the St. Patrick's Day Parade.]
Kent Brockman: All this drinking, violence, destruction of property...are these the things that we think of when we think of the Irish?

Homer: All right, to find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders.
Homer's Brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. And I wear the same stupid sweater every day...

Chief Wiggum: Your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, um, Simpson. Let me just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
Homer: Fine. You don't have to humiliate me.
[leaves, a man enters carrying a blowtorch]
Man: I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again!
Chief Wiggum: Right. Let me just type that up on my invisible typewriter.

[Apu reveals the entrance to his secret garden]
Lisa: Wow, a hidden staircase! But what do you do if someone wants a non-alcoholic beer?
Apu: You know, it's never come up...

Homer: And to think I turned to a cult for mindless happiness when I had beer all along.
Marge: Mmmmmmmm....
Homer: And you, Marge, the bringer of beer.

Lou: It looks like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Are you kidding? That's like two blocks away.
Lou: It looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.
Chief Wiggum: Officer proceeding on foot. Call in a code 8.
Lou: [on the radio] Pretzels. Repeat, we need pretzels.

Homer: You know Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking, but anyway you chose to live your life is OK.
Bart: Huh?
Lisa: He thinks you're gay.
Bart: He thinks I'm gay?

[Homer is listening to Lisa's sax]
Bart: Dad I though you didn't like her saxaphone.
Homer: I didn't, but now with Daddy's special medicine, which you must never use because it will ruin your life, lets Daddy see and hear magical things you will never experience, EVER!

Homer: Its been three days and my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up and I'm able to recognise simple shapes and patterns.
Lisa: Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.

Bart: As long as you're doing things for me, will you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house?
Homer: NEVER!

Lisa: This is pretty far to go just to spite Moe, isn't it?
Homer: It's not about spite, it's about petty revenge, and getting back at that traitor Moe.

Marge: Look at this place! The house number is spelled out with letters!
Homer: Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.

[Moe is on a soap opera]
Moe: Cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never last. I mean, I'm a doctor and you're a 5000-year-old mummy I brought back to life.

Grampa: Whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear!
[pulls out underwear]
Grampa: "Abe Simpson".
Lisa: How did you do that without removing your pants?
Grampa: I don't know.

Mr. Burns: Who the devil are you?
Homer: [thinking] Don't panic. Just come up with a good story.
[out loud]
Homer: My name is Mr. Burns.
[thinking]
Homer: D'oh!

Mr. Burns: I'll have my lunch now: a single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
Homer: But I think the dodo went extinct--
Mr. Burns: Get going! And answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.

Moe: Where are the designated drivers?
[Two men raise their hands]
Moe: Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates.

Marge Simpson: Lisa, hello! How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a "lift", a mile is called a "kilometer" and botulism is called "steak and kidney pie".

Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: A dinosaur!

Bodyguard: Who's going to protect you?
Mayor Quimby: [points to Homer] HIM!
Homer: WOOHOO!
Marge: Homer, I don't think you were listening to what they just...
Homer: I said "WOO. HOO."

[Homer is drunk]
Homer: Have you ever seen that Blue Man Group? Total ripoff of the Smurfs! And the Smurfs, well, they SUCK!

Bart: First, I need to blow up one thing.
[Points his tank at the church]
Reverend Lovejoy: Not the church! Jesus lives there!
[Points it at the school]
Mrs. Krabapple: [absently] No. Stop. Think of the children.
[Points it at the sky]
Sideshow Mel: Not the sky! That's where clouds are born!

Jimbo: Hey, there's an even dorkier kid on the other side of town with an even better pool!
[all the kids jump out, leaving Lisa stood at the bottom of an empty pool]
Lisa: Hello? Hello? Oh, how am I gonna get out of here?
Lisa's Brain: Well, well, well... look who's come crawlin' back!

[Homer has changed his to Max Power]
Homer: Kids! From now on there are three ways of doing things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
Bart: Isn't that just the wrong way?
Homer: Yes, but faster.
[Homer walks into a cactus.]

Homer: Well, kids, it's Valentine's Day! You know what that means?
Bart: We get to watch TV with the sound turned way up.
Lisa: What are you and mom going to be doing?
Homer: Oh, we're going to be upstairs, making love... ly rope ladders in case of a fire.

[Homer has given Bart a 'cursed' Krusty doll]
Grampa: That doll's evil I tells ya. Evil! EEEEVIL!!!
Marge: Grampa, you said that about all the toys!
Grampa: I just want attention.

Principal Skinner: [over intercom] Attention. All honor roll students will be rewarded by a trip to an archaeological dig. Also, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

Dr. Nick: 'Inflammable' means flammable? What a country!

[Homer is in a car with hippies Seth and Munchie. Marge is walking down the street]
Homer: Hi Marge. We're freaking out squares.
Marge: Oh, Lord...
Homer: What's in your brand new bag, momma?
Marge: Oh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. Forty-eight waist with the balloon seat, right?
Homer: [panicking] Marge, not in front of the hippies!
[Seth and Munchie laugh]

[Homer has to write his full name on an application form but he doesn't know what his middle initial stands for.]
Bart: Uh, so Dad, regarding that form, why not just make up a middle name?
Lisa: You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit.
Homer: No! Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will.
Marge: You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.
Homer: Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name.