10/18/2009

First Aid Responder Survival Tips

Since
you are now officially certified in First Aid, there are three important steps
to keep in mind while responding to an emergency situation.

#1: Checking the Scene
for Safety

Before
entering any scene to provide emergency first aid, for your own safety you must check the scene before entering to make sure the surroundings are
safe.

For
example, if the victim is seizing near a dangerous construction site, you may
want to put on a helmet to disguise yourself as an Average Joe constructor
worker—this can include catcalling pretty ladies, eating lunch from a pail,
operating a crane, etc.Once
you’ve infiltrated the scene you’ll know you’ve fooled everyone and no one will
try to hit you with a crow bar or something.

If
the victim seizes during a bank robbery you must also carefully check the scene
for your own safety, which would include hacking into the bank computer files
to make sure your money hasn’t been stolen yet.Yes, the victim may be convulsing and foaming at the mouth,
but you must always think of your own well-being first:If you put yourself in danger then
there is no one to help the victim.There
even now may be TWO victims on the scene for the EMS/NYPD to have to help when
they arrive.

If
a victim begins seizing in the middle of a freeway it’s important, before
you go running into the middle of traffic, you do an assessment of the victim’s
intelligence, as only an idiot with special needs would be hanging out in the
middle of a freeway.You’ll want
to make sure this retardation isn’t contagious and you won’t be infected
by it.Gloves and a personal
facemask may be necessary.These
precautions must also be made for morons who begin seizing on the edge of an
active volcano, although these kind of seizures can always be prevented by calling
ahead of time to make sure there are no strobe lights on said volcano.

#2: Calling for help

After
checking the scene for safety, the next step you take is calling for
help.

There are several important
aspects for a first responder to keep in mind during this stage of care.For example, the first responder must
immediately locate a phone to call and cancel any appointments and/or reservations you
may have later that day.It’s
important for you to express loud disapproval if any of these places put you
on hold for longer than five minutes, as you are pressed for time, due to the
seizing going on.You MAY,
however, take the time to reschedule your plans, but only if you have your date
book immediately available.

If
you yourself do not have a cell phone, the next most important action for you
to take is to immediately spear a mammoth and go back to your cave.Really?No cell phone?What year is this, Grog?It’s also recommended, if you must borrow a bystander’s cell phone, that you do NOT hold them up at gunpoint to do so, or at least if you do, you
refrain from laughing when they wet themselves.

If a phone booth is your only option, please do not waste (precious)
time checking the phone slot for change, or pulling hilarious practical jokes such as
pretending to fly out of the booth like Super Man.

Once
you’ve secured a phone and get the 911 dispatcher on the line, be sure to give
specific details about the emergency situation, such as describing the weather
so EMS knows if they need to bring umbrellas, or a sweater.Also, describe to the dispatcher the
proper steps you’ve already taken to provide aid, but make sure you speak
clearly so they don’t think you’ve providedAIDs.

#3: Caring for the
victim

The
third stage of emergency first aid while waiting for EMS professionals to
arrive is caring for the victim.Caring
for the victim
can include a variety of actions, dependent upon the specific situation.

The
first care you’ll want to provide in any emergency First Aid scenario is to
sing a little song to the victim in a soothing voice.However, while doing so you must remember some important tips:

Be
sure the song you croon to them isn’t too controversial, a la that Sinead
O’Connor tearing-up-a-picture-of-the-pope act, because you don’t want to offend
the victim’s political views, as that may worsen the seizing.You may also not have a photo of the
pope readily available.

Also,
make sure you don't choose a really annoying song that'll get stuck in everyone’s
heads, like “Tubthumper” or “This Is the Song That Never Ends.” Be certain the song contains no
confusing and elaborate metaphors, such as Don McClean’s “American Pie”—the
victim is confused enough as it is at this point, plus that song is really, really long
and you'll want to leave sufficient time to provide the next stage of caring
for the victim.

The
next stage of care is knitting a nice blanket for the victim, and/or providing
them with scented candles and bath salts to keep them calm and relaxed.You may also want to do a little
acupuncture, but it’s important you determine the needles aren’t from diseased
heroin addicts.Pine needles are
acceptable in an emergency, but you must be sure they aren’t covered with that
sticky sappy stuff.

Finally, a fun crossword puzzle or game
of charades can help pass the time for the victim while waiting for an
ambulance.However, with charades
you must be sensitive to the victim’s particular cultural
background so they don't become offended--it's bad enough they are having a massive
epileptic fit, you don’t need to add further stress by insulting them with
ethnic stereotypes.

Conclusion

Once
the paramedics arrive to assist the seizing victim, your responsibilities as a
first responder are complete.You can go about the rest of your day, carefree, but keep a few things in
mind:

First
Aid responders are protected by Good Samaritan Laws—this means if you totally
fuck up and cause further physical and/or emotional damage to the victim, they legally cannot sue you.Ha ha.

(Oh, by the way, this is law protects you ONLY if you clearly identified yourself as a certified First
Aid responder, and were granted permission by the victim to provide emergency
care.)

(Did
I forget to mention that earlier?)

(Oops.)

(Yeah,
you gotta do that.)

Good
luck in court!And remember, a
judge can often be swayed if the defendant is wearing a sexy mini-skirt.Also a helmet. Because a helmet shows what a safe, responsible civilian you are.And a clown nose. A clown nose will have the jury in tears with raucous laughter.I guarantee.

You’re
welcome.

“I
get knocked down, but I get up again, you ain’t never gonna keep me down!I get knocked down…”