You Want Cream with That? A Primer to the Testicles

Bangers, chestnuts, clangers, danglers - no matter what you call 'em, your testicles play an important role in your sex life.

"If you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow."

— John Wayne

Introducing the Support Staff

When it comes to the biologically-arranged sex organs of men, many of us are of the mindset that man-sex should simply begin and end with the penis. And it’s an easy faux-pas to make; after all, we as men are nothing if not goal-oriented. When single-minded goal-fulfillment is focused on our sex drive, it usually means one solitary thing: the money shot, which is so gracefully spat out from...you guessed it - the penis.

However, the money shot is not only largely predicated on two other organs; said organs, if properly ministered to, can move those money shots of yours deeper and deeper into the black. I mean, just because there’s a recession going on, that doesn’t mean your own goo-money has to be 401Ked away too!

Let’s approach it from another angle: if the penis is the arch-villain, the heaviest of the heavies, then he’s gonna need some henchmen. That’s where the testicles and prostate come in. Otherwise, without them, your tallywacker is just gonna be twirling his curlicued moustache ad infinitum – because world domination doesn’t happen without a good support staff.

Besides – you can’t have a good nut without having a ball. Or two.

Never Mind the Ballocks – Wait, Do!

“Balls are to men what purses are to women.”
- Sex and the City

You may know them by other designations, such as balls, bangers, berries, charlies, chestnuts, clangers, cojones, danglers, family jewels, gooseberries, marbles, mountain oysters, nads, nards, nuts, onions, rocks, or stones.

The gonads (so named after a collegiate football team in ancient Rome called the Nads, who played naked, to a thunderous chant from the crowd, ‘Go, Nads!’) are the male cousins to the female ovaries. Just as the ovaries produce eggs and estrogen, the testicles produce semen and testosterone. (Though you’ll be happy to know that the sperm-making facilities account for at least 80% of testicular floor space.)

In fact, were you to uncoil the spermadelic splooge-smiths of your testes (also known as the seminiferous tubules), each nard would contain nearly 1,200 feet of sperm-tubing. That’s a quarter of a mile of jizz – or, in other terms, an average pair of balls can pump out almost 150 million sperm a day, and can contain somewhere in the neighborhood of two billion sperm at any given moment.

In essence, you – the man, are a walking sperm receptacle. Stand proud!

Low Hanging Fruit

“Judge me by my size do you?”

Yoda said that shit. And nobody fucked with that little green dude – emphasis on ‘little’. For Yoda, a little self-confidence went an awful long way. Upon hearing the word ‘ball’, you might immediately expect that, like in sports, all balls are uniform in shape, size, and dangliness. (Yes, I made that word up.)

So let’s start with ball size. Your body in and of itself is not a sport – well, not unless your partner is feeling randily sportsmanlike. As such, there is no regulation ball size. You might have walnuts, you might have tangelos – hell, you might have grapefruits. And they’re all okay. In fact, it’s quite common for one testicle to be larger than the other. So chances are that you’re not even going to find uniformity on your OWN body, let alone everyone else’s. (Ask a woman – preferably one you know, as this isn’t a man-on-the-street sorta query

But just to be sure, let’s bust this nut down to size, mythologically speaking:

1. How many balls are enough? While most men have two testes, there are some men with but one, and others with three.
- Onesies: Monorchism is when a man has one testicle. This can be a result of birth, or the surgical removal of a testicle for health reasons. Fertility or sex drive are not affected.
- Threesies: Polyorchidism is when a man has a third testicle. In most cases, it is a smaller, somewhat underdeveloped testis. It can be removed if so chosen, but poses no health concerns if left intact. Fertility or sex drive are not affected.

2. The size of your family jewels does not impact your chances of siring a family. The only time this can come into play is if you have Klinefelter's syndrome. This is a condition where the emergence of an extra X chromosome prevents the testicles from fully developing, thus reducing chances of fertility. But it’s not terribly common – it exists in approximately 1 in every 500 men. So rock on with your stones!

3. The Ol’ Shrinky-Dink. Much ado is made over the highs and lows of testicular shrinkage. Let’s take a looksie.
- Your scrotum serves as sort of a mercury-less thermostat; its job is to keep the nards’ temperature properly regulated. This is why the testicles are located outside the body proper – to ensure a cooler temp (sperm like to play in the cooler climes, kind of like Brett Favre)
- When your body gets too cold, your scrotum will draw up more tightly against your body. This is to keep the jewels from getting too cold. Conversely, if your body gets too warm, your scrotum will loosen further, to keep your balls as far away from your overheating body as possible, giving you the appearance of Mr. Fantastic’s cousin, Mr. Stretchy Ball-Bag Man.
- This is most likely where the urban legend about laptops nuking your nads into sterility comes into play. Yes, if you spend too much time on your laptop, the heat from the computer will travel down into your balls. However, the chances of you becoming sterile as a result of your rampant Craigslist searching is kind of slim. Unless of course you never stand up. In which case there’s probably nobody banging down your door to procreate with you anyhow.

4. Tight clothing restricts your ability to produce sperm. FAIL. No conclusive evidence has surfaced linking infertility or low sperm count with the tightness of one’s tighty whiteys. UTIs on the other hand are a different story.

5. Hitler only had one ball. Who cares. He would’ve been a douche if he’d had 30 balls.

And then there’s the tree-dangliness: how far from your body should your testicles hang? Should they hang low, clacking down Main St. like Newton’s cradle? Or should they hang high and tight like an inside fastball setting up a strikeout pitch?

The answer is between your legs. Low-hanging fruit is A-OK, as is the high-n’-tight variety. Because, no matter how far (or close) the fruit hangs from the tree, it’s still fruit at the end of the day.

Just don’t bite it.

Have a Ball

“It’s good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling.”
- Mark Twain

The testicles are suspended from the body, kind of like Vincent D’Onofrio in The Cell, without all the hooks – AND they come pre-packaged for your convenience in a neat, easy-to-lift sack otherwise known as…the scrotum. You may also know it as the ballbag, beanbag, teabag, poke, or simply (and clinically), the scrotal sac. Yes, it’s a sack, all wrinkly and dark-hued, kind of like a burlap sack. It will however not store your keys, your BlackBerry, or your money clip. Just testicles.

The scrotum exists not only as a storage unit, though. It acts as a shock absorber, protecting its precious cargo from all manner of jolts, jostlings, and nighttime jactitations. The sac also serves as a temperature regulator, keeping your testes nice and cool – because sperm, unlike your parents, prefer the cooler climes.

Now, it’s easy to assume that the sole function of your scrotum and balls is to not get kicked there. And they also aren’t there as your morning scratching posts (well, maybe they are a little). But they’re there for pleasure, too. Here, for your partner, are a few easy steps to ensuring testicular happiness:

1. Cup the balls. Gently, in the palm of your hand.

2. Kiss the balls. Balls like kisses.

3. Lick the balls. Balls also like licking; who doesn’t?

4. Suck the balls. For advanced users only. Gently cup a single ball between your lips and take it in, lolling slightly with your tongue, as you might with a truffle. FYI: Do not attempt to hickey the balls. You will end up lonely and unloved if you do.

5. Stroke the balls. Caress them, with love and affection. Even a little tickle here and there.

6. Gently juggle the balls. This goes hand in hand with cupping and stroking; please do not strive for the form of a circus juggler. You are not attempting to achieve height, only mild and pleasing sensation.

7. Ring the balls. Again, for advanced users. A cock-and-ball-fitting cock ring can work wonders, in terms of prolongation and sensation.

8. Powerballing. Those precious, ragged-breathed moments just before climax are the perfect time to zero in on his love chestnuts. Bonus points: while you’re finger-balling him at the brink of nut-sanity, give a little attention to his perineum as well (that’s the taint, y’all).

9. Bestow gifts upon the balls. Balls like toys. A lot. Cock rings work well with testicles, particularly models with a vibrating feature, designed for the pleasure of both partners. Case in point is the His and Hers, which features both cock and testicle rings, a vibrating bullet for everybody’s delight, and, as a special bonus, a clitoral tickler.

But perhaps the best way to help a man enjoy his balls is in those sticky sweet pre-orgasmic moments, either while performing fellatio on him, or giving him an extra treat via analingus or prostate stimulation. As he’s starting to tense up, he’s given you your cue: make your move – NOW. This is the time to cup his balls, giving them a warm, gentle fluffing. And as his body tightens even more, as he’s about to splurt his own special au jus, intensify your grip on his balls just so – but DO NOT squeeze them. Just apply enough pressure to, you know, help him along. He’ll love you forever. Seriously. If you’re not married, he’ll want to marry you. And if marriage is sadly prohibited where you reside – don’t worry – keep doing that, and he’ll single-handedly get those laws changed for the better.

Time for a Brief Testicular PSA

Attention Ball-Handlers: if you are a person who enjoys having sex with a man; and, subsequently enjoys teasing his balls, then please follow these few simple rules:

- Balls are not for punching.*

- Balls are not for squeezing. You’re not making cold-pressed olive oil; ease up on the death-grip there.*

- Balls are not for biting.*

- Do not taunt the balls, for the balls are objects of infinite power which will seek revenge for any perceived slight. By whining, sulking, and throwing Nerf-like Y chromosomes at you.

*There are some men who do enjoy having their testicles bound, beaten, kicked, stomped, whomped, chomped, punched, pinched, pistol-whipped, bashed, bludgeoned, smashed, and even ground with a mortar and pestle. Many of these activities fall within the purview of BDSM (which will be discussed at length elsewhere in these guides).

But – if you are not the owner of the balls, yet you enjoy any or all of these activities, we have one teensy bit of advice for you: Ask First.

Testalgia Nostalgia: Balls as a Universal Measuring System

It’s easy to think of everything in the world measured by phallic standards. But really, most of life’s intangibles are measured by testicular fortitude and forthrightness. For instance, we identify socially by the size and strength of our balls: big balls, balls of steel, brass balls, et al. And it’s not even gender-specific – how cool is that? Per Bon Scott, you can have big balls, she can have big balls, and we can ALL have big balls!

Someone who is on the spot – say, preparing to confer oral sex to a partner – will find the ball in their court – to which their lover may exhort, ‘play ball!’ This is a clear signal to get the balls rolling. One who is successful at this task is on the ball. Someone who really gets into it is totally balls to the wall. A selfish lover on the other hand may take his balls and go home. Which could result in blackballing.

When we’re frustrated, we suffer from a case of the blue balls, which only the mournful guitar pickings of BB King can truly articulate. And if he’s frustrated to the point of heavy drinking, you may by the end of the evening find that he has rum balls. If he’s got a sweet tooth, he just might have gumballs.

And yet, when we are worried, anxious – befrazzled by life – what do we turn to? Stress balls, of course.

But for the final word on all things testicular, we turn to the late American philosopher and writer Eric Hoeffer…