A place to find comfort

News-Times, The (Danbury, CT)

Published
8:00 pm EDT, Sunday, September 14, 2008

This year's session, sponsored in August by the New Milford Visiting Nurse Hospice, was not the first he's attended.
"You know everyone's been through something similar like you, so when you tell them a story they have sort of a similar feeling, because everybody misses somebody," he explained.
Andy Carchi-Bravo, 9, at the free camp for the second year, talked about some of the kids making gravestone rubbings on a sunny morning in the cemetery next to St. John's Episcopal Church in New Milford. The camp takes place at the church.
They used letters on the stones to spell out the names of their own family members who died. "It shows others who we are remembering," Andy said.
Mary Lee Carroll, who founded the program 15 years ago, is still its director. She is an upbeat person with a ready smile who was happy to talk about the camp but protective of the youngsters' privacy.
I was allowed to talk to them during lunch, but not to ask specific questions about their loss. Anything they shared willingly was OK.
About 60 percent of the campers had experienced the death of a parent, and roughly 30 percent were grieving grandparents. A smaller number, about 10 percent, Carroll said, lost a sibling.
The camp is named after a little boy she met 20 years ago. "Jonathan was 6 when he died of brain cancer. I was his hospice volunteer."
After 30 years as director of a preschool and serving with hospice, Carroll, who lives in Watertown, decided to focus her career on grief counseling. She became a licensed clinical social worker -- "in a great part due to Jonathan," she said.
Two additional counselors, five hospice volunteers, and three junior counselors -- ages 13, 15 and 17 and had also lost a family member -- ran Camp Jonathan this summer.
The campers broke into small groups and rotated among the counselors, who offered various activities. In the middle of the week some made memory quilts, while others took part in a session that involved play, music, art, poetry and movement.
The activities enabled kids to express their feelings by means other than direct talking, explained Ruthellen Griffin, a movement and play therapist who has been involved in the camp from the start.
"It softens things a little," she said.
There are also opportunities for kids to talk if they want to.
"Sometimes they can't talk. But if you draw a picture, for example, of something that happened to you, it gives them a little distance." Griffin said.
"Talking isn't always the best way to do things for children or grown-ups. We work on providing a safe place for them, so they could feel comfortable sharing any issues or feelings or stories about the person that died."
For example, Griffin said, "I will use miniature toys and ask them to create a scene with the toy about someone that died. Then I will go around and have them describe the scene. This allows them to express things non-verbally, and verbally if they want, and be creative.
"While you can't generalize, often younger children don't have as big a vocabulary to express what they're feeling, and older kids too often don't talk, especially if its too traumatic for them," she said.
"So the language of play is their language. What they play out is their life in a lot of ways."
Carroll and Griffin run children's grief support groups together through different agencies, in other areas.
While there is no specific way to measure Camp Jonathan's success, Carroll said, "We've only had three leave before camp was over, out of hundreds of kids" who have participated through the years.
Griffin suggests families look for some kind of support to help children deal with loss. Feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety and guilt are all common while they wade through the grieving process.
"They need a place they can grieve and talk openly about their feelings. Lots of times the parents are grieving, so they're not available emotionally."
Having a parent die is especially frightening for young children. They wonder what will happen to them if the other parent dies. And sometimes they act like little care takers -- they don't want to seem sad and upset the parent who is grieving.
Griffin also suggests kids be allowed to attend funerals and otherwise be included in family activities surrounding a death. "For them to be excluded creates other problems."
Rosemary Toletti, another Camp Jonathan counselor, agrees kids benefit from support outside the family, if it's available. Being part of a group helps "kids realize they're not the only ones.
Grieving is a very individual thing and defies a formula, she said. "Adults should be present for the child. Listen and be aware when and if they want to talk. This is more difficult for a family member to do."
The camp program has helped E.J. Baldwick, 15, who finished his second year as junior counselor this summer. "It's nice because everyone here's your family. You find someone or someplace to go, so you don't just keep all that inside."
Aside from the kids at camp, E.J. has two sisters and a grandfather he can talk to. "My grandfather lost his dad when he was young, too," he said.
For Madison Romandi, 11, "It gave me a place where everybody had a similar problem that I had. It's good to talk about your feelings. I kept it bottled inside and they helped me express it more. It's OK to feel sad and angry."
Madison said she is beginning to "feel at peace" since the death of her niece.
A school counselor urged Veronica Wohlschlaeger, 17, to attend the camp two years ago, not long after her younger brother died at age 11. She wasn't "ready" to attend then, but this summer, as she was about to enter her senior year in high school, she decided she would be a counselor.
"When it first happened, I wasn't ready to confront things. It turned my world upside down. I needed time to let the shock wear off," she said.
Aiding the campers helped her face tough emotions, she said.
"It makes me feel better. The small group therapy helps me find ways to put my feelings into words, and hearing children say what they feel helps me sort it out. The (words) might not have come to me unless someone else says it. You can relate to that."
Carroll said youngsters can often sum up simply what older people are feeling.
"Little ones sometimes say it for us. A 5-year-old might say, 'It stinks that my Daddy died.'"

The New Milford Visiting Nurse Hospice Program will offer a children's bereavement support group on Mondays in November and December. Camp Jonathan is offered yearly in August. For more information, contact the New Milford VNA at (860) 354-2216.