Two small British boys were gazing at the shop windows decorated for Christmas. Presently they came to a butcher’s shop, and one of them pointed to a number of hams hanging from a large holly branch. “Look, Tom,” he said. “Look at them ‘ams agrowing up there.”

“Get away,” said the other. “’Ams don’t grow.”

“Well, that’s all you know about it,” said the first scornfully. “Ain’t you ever ‘eard of a ‘ambush?”

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing over who had the oldest profession. The doctor said: “Of course, medicine is the oldest. mankind has always had physicians, and they are even mentioned in the Bible.”

“That is nothing,” said the engineer. “The Good Book tells how the world was created out of chaos, and how could there be any order brought out of chaos without an engineer?”

“Yes,” said the politician, “and who do you think created chaos?”

—

Judge: “This lady says you tried to speak to her at the station.”

Salesman: “It was a mistake. I was looking for my friend’s sister whom I had never seen before, but who had been described to me as a handsome blonde with classic features, fine complexion, perfect figure, beautifully dressed, and – ”

Witness: “I don’t care to prosecute the gentleman. Anyone might make the same mistake.”

—

A woman was entering a movie when an attendant stopped her. “Please excuse me, madam,” he said, “but you can’t take your dog inside.”

“How absurd!” protested the woman. “What harm could the pictures do to a tiny dog like that?”

—

Miss Bright: “I use the dumbbells to get color in my face.”

Her Uncle: “Sensible girl! That’s a lot better than using color on your face to get the dumbbells.”

It Might Happen Again

Mother: “Junior, why do you always come to the table with dirty hands? You know I always send you away to wash them.”

Junior: “Well, once you forgot.”

—

First Neighbor: “You say your son is making his way through college writing?”

Second Neighbor: “Yes, writing home for money.”

Aye, Aye, Sir!

“Dearest,” said the new husband to his bride, “do you really think I’ll prove a satisfactory mate?”

“Oh, you’ll do for a mate, all right,” answered his precious girl. “Now look me over and tell me what you think of your captain.”

—

Businessman: “What do you do with all these pictures you paint?”

Modernistic artist: “Why, sell them!”

Businessman: “What? Name your terms! I’ve been looking for a salesman like you for years.”

—

“Really, gentlemen,” said the candidate, “with all this uproar I can hardly hear myself speak.”

“Well, cheer up,” shouted a man, “you aren’t missing much.”

—

“Dad,” said his extravagant son, “do you think they will ever find a substitute for gasoline?”

Caller: “We are collecting for the Old Ladies’ Home. Won’t you give something?”

Man of the House: “Sure thing. You can have my mother-in-law.”

—

Mother: “Billie, sit down and tell your little sister a story.”

Billie: “I can’t sit down, mother. I just told daddy a story.”

—

She: “I’m going to have to get a new maid.”

He: “Why, dear?”

She: “She handles China like Japan.”

—

Judge: “You are a danger to pedestrians. You will not be permitted to drive a car for two years.”

Defendant: “But, your Honor, my living depends on it.”

Judge: “So does theirs.”

—

Mom: “There were three pieces of cake in the pantry and now there’s only one. How did that happen?”

Sonny: “Well, it was so dark in there I didn’t see the other piece.”

—

Pat worked at a factory where the staff was encouraged to think of ideas for the smoother running of the business. One day he was shown into the president’s office and announced that he had thought of a way of insuring that no one would be late in the future. “That sounds good,” said the president. “How do you propose to do it?”

“Sure, that’s easy, sir,” said Pat. “The last man in blows the whistle.”