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Friday, November 28, 2008

I have been taking a little vacation for the last few days and I am out of the loop newswise... so I am not as up to date with the news as I ordinarily would be... nonetheless, it's quite tragic to see that terrorists would attack a Chabad center. Chabad is an outreach organization run by the Lubavitcher Hasidim that presents the fun side of Judaism in a non-confrontational non-prosletyzing manner. The centers are set up in remote locations forcing the young families that run it to move away from their families and friends to plant the seeds with a little "Fields of Dreams" if you build it they will come philosophy. Their success is incredible... I live near the one at Rutgers.... and it's always tragic when any kind of religious organization or house of worship is targeted by these lunatics. I was hoping for another miraculous Entebbe-esque rescue.. but it was not meant to be. Kudos to the nanny at that Chabad House who heroically rescued the couple's young son. A fundraiser is being conducted for this boy through the website ChabadIndia.org.

Today's column originates from Atlantic City. To me Thanksgiving is every day... especially since I met my sweetie.... so I don't need a Thursday turkey meal to be thankful. We usually get a little turkey brunch and then head down to take Donald Trump's money. This year I was sitting at the Taj and it occurred to me that if I hit a big jackpot, would Trump be able to still pay for his daughter's upcoming wedding to the son of Charles Kushner? Kushner is the criminal real estate mogul who got into trouble a few years ago and decided to blackmail his brother in law who was set to testify in court about Kushner's activities. When the brother in law refused Kushner's requests to not tell the truth in court, Kushner got his revenge, and hired a hooker to seduce the brother in law... She took him to a hotel and unbeknownst to the poor shlemazel, the whole thing was videotaped with a hidden camera. Then in his own version of "You've been punked", Kushner arranged to have the incriminating video delivered during his brother in law's child's birthday party. Class act.

Now Kushner and Trump are the fathers in law for this upcoming wedding... I was thinking that instead of The Apprentice - The Donald should do a reality show about his wedding planning meetings with Charles Kushner! It also occurred to me that when they have the wedding, Trump's hoity toity friends will have to be polite while in the presence of this low life Kushner. And then I thought about the conversations The Donald must be having with The Videotaper. I was looking at the ceiling at the Taj, knowing that the security cameras there were watching all the activity going on at the casino - an important point that male patrons should keep in mind when they stare at the Taj's cleavagey cocktail waitresses. I wonder if Kushner ever gives Trump advice about how to arrange those hidden cameras. And what about the wedding planner? Does Kushner give him advice about how to shoot the wedding in such a way so people don't see the camera? That seems to be his field of expertise.

Nonetheless, I didn't think it would ever happen but having Kushner in the family makes Trump actually likeable. So without further ado... we present our nominees for the Charles Kushner Turkey of the Year Awards....

1. The 3rd of 3 Naked Man Copycats

Last Monday's How I Met Your Mother had an episode that might have moved it into "Legendary Episode" status. In the show's attempt to come up with Seinfeild-esque yadda yadda catch phrases, Monday's episode might have hit the jackpot. There are 2 characters 1 male 1 female named Ted and Robin who are roommates. Ted comes home and finds a naked man sitting on his couch. Ted apologizes for the intrusion and the naked man says he and Robin were on a first date but she stepped out to take a call. Ted walked out... and headed to the nearby watering hole and told his other pals that Robin must have hit it off with this guy. "Not so" said one of the friends..."She texted me and said she didnt like the guy". Alarmed Ted ran home, passed Robin still outside on the phone and ran inside to ask the Still Naked Man if he was sure Robin would be so receptive to this naked situation. At that point, the show took an interesting turn when Naked Man informed Ted of his Modus Operandi... He knew Robin didn' t like him but his bad date gimmick was he would ask good looking women to use their bathroom, and then once he would get into the apartment....he would emerge from the bathroom - buck naked! As Ted gave him a "Whatcha talking about Willis" look... Naked Man informed him that it actually worked 2 out of 3 times.

The story actually turned out to be quite amusing - Robin who had found Naked Man repulsive actually fell for the gimmick and he got lucky! One of Robins friends heard about this and called her a slut which led to a scene of Robin and Naked Man on a 2nd date where he looks very bored and finally tries to get her to admit that her friend called her a slut and she was only having the 2nd date to prove to herself that she is not a slut. Then 3 other characters try out the gimmick and amazingly it works 2 of the 3 times.

Will this lead to copycat Naked Man attempts? If so, our first nominee for The Turkey Award is the 3rd guy who is not able to pull it off.

2. McDonalds lawsuit

The lengths people will go to to win a lawsuit in our litigous happy society. A guy in Fayetteville, Ark went to Mickey D's and oops he left his cell phone there. He called them up and the manager assured him that he would take care of it. Well yadda yadda yadda.. ol' Naked man in Fayetteville must have had his cell camera clicking away of his naked wife because the aforementioned phone allegedly contained pics of her butt naked. These pics subsequently ended up on the internet - and now the guy in Arkanas is suing McDonalds for 3 million dollars! McDonalds has not commented yet.. but I am sure their lawyers are digging up the account holder that uploaded the video and if it is an employee.... his phone records will be subpenoaed to see if there is any connection between the uploader and the plaintiff... such as "Hey if you upload these pics. we'll split our lawsuit winnings with you".

3. Fun and Games in The Twin Cities

Special thanks to the Drudge Report for uncovering this incredible story out of the Des Moines Register for pointing out that they were doing more than counting votes in Minneapolis last weekend.

38 year old Lois Feldman of Iowa went to last weekends Iowa Minnesota game with her husband Kelly. Mrs. Feldman admits that she had quite a few drinks prior to and during the game and just before halftime told her husband that she had to pish. The next thing she knew - she was under arrest.... Police found her in a - Mens room! and not alone... she was in the midst of some wild fun with a "Naked Man" and yadda yadda yadda... it was NOT her husband! The other fella was a 26 year old guy who Feldman claims she had not met until just prior to their encounter and she told the newspaper that she didnt even know his name till she saw it in the paper! According to the paper, about a dozen people were outside the stall cheering them on.. some even got a front row seat by peering between the cracks in the stall door! Feldman gave police wrong identification information which kept them from finding her husband... She ultimately hitched a ride back to her hotel with a stranger leaving her puzzled hubby behind. She has told the paper her husband has been supportive... but I don't buy this "I was out of control because I was drunk" excuse... although I would rather she her caught behind a toilet stall as opposed to behind a wheel. And, frankly after seeing that article over the weekend, call me naive.. but I was surprised how quickly the guy in the bathroom was able to get some action! That is until Monday when I discovered The Legend of... Naked Man. Nonetheless, you gotta admit that this woman is this year's winner of The Charles Kushner Turkey Award!

PUMPSTRADAMUS PICK OF THE WEEK:

Pumpy won again last week to improve to 9-3... and clinched a winning record for the 3rd straight season! This week we go to Minnesota the home of last weekends notorious Minnesota Iowa game where the Vikings are 3 point faves over Chicago. Sayeth the Pump: "I take the Bears because I was just listening to Barenaked Ladies.... not the Group.... the Iowa female football fans who do the ol' 1-2 cha cha with strange men in stadium mens rooms!"

UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICK OF THE WEEK:

For the first time ever we are 10 games over at 23-13 after going 2-1 last week.

Giants 3 1/2 doggies over WASHINGTON - This might be a tough one... but a Giant win gives them a 1st round bye if they go on to beat Dallas for the division.

New Orleans 4 1/2 doggies over TAMPA BAY - Don't these oddsmakers see the huge points Drew Brees has been putting on the board??

GREEN BAY 3 faves over Carolina - If the Giants secure home field for the playoffs, I might have to start picking Jets games!

Friday, November 21, 2008

I think I have an idea of what President Obama should do the first day he is in office.... Well first he should spray some Lysol to get rid of the stench of George W's 8 years of failure. Looking back on the last time we had a competent President in the White House, I recall the first day of Clinton's administration. He went right to work to undo the Bush damage, and immediately changed the absurd Reagan-Bush era rule that cut off federal funding for any parenting clinic that mentioned legal abortion as an alternative. Now that Obama is ready to take over, I have some ideas.

By the way, I will admit that George W did one good thing while in office. In response to the 9-11 attacks, he created the Office of Homeland Security. Now, I can just see the first day at work for Obama. He calls in Rahm Emanuel..(just in case you missed it, his brother Ari Emanuel inspired "Entourage's" Ari Gold) . Emanuel calls in his "Lloyd" to take notes,.... smacks him around a little bit and gets down to brass tacks.

I doubt that President Obama reads blogs, but it would be cool on day 1 if he said..."You know that NWOW blog from November 21st.... I like that idea". That is because today I want to announce that I think America needs "The Office of Homeland Financial Security!".

Last week I criticized extreme Right Wing Republican Congressman Scott Garrett for his comments not supporting the auto bailout. If you read the comments you will notice that my old radio chum Dangerspouse reminisced about our old radio days when we used to have him on the air with us in the early 90s when he was known as Assemblyman E. Scott Garrett... I don't know what the "E" stands for... maybe "Eat my ass, poor people who need government help?" Garrett was not supporting the automakers bailout, and after thinking it over a bit more, I might be starting to agree.

The idea that these big shot CEO's each hopped on their private jets and headed off to Washington did not really look so good as they went to Capitol Hill to plead poverty. I believe ABC News broke the story but what really looked bad was when Congressman Brad Sherman asked each of those big shots who was there to ask for taxpayer money to raise their hand if they flew to Washington on a commercial airline. What a cringe worthy moment when he loudly pronounced "Let the record show - nobody raised their hand!"

That display did not make the auto CEO's look good, but nonetheless, I think we do need a bailout of some kind, although not one that will go directly to the Big 3 Automakers. Next Friday is Black Friday and unless ATM's start offering big bucks fast cash withdrawals, a lot of people are not going to be walking out of stores with high priced items. I see what has happened in 2008 for people trying to get mortgage loans, only to find out that the credit opportunities are gone. Subprime lenders offered 2 year arms so people could refi to a fixed within those 2 yrs, but those people looking for a fixed rate are finding out that the banks don't want to lend money.

And by the way, have you seen what has been going on with Citigroup? They announced mass layoffs, and their stock continues to drop. And what happens if they don't have the money to hold up their deal to pay for the naming rights for the Mets new stadium?? If the Citi money is supposed to pay to build Citi Field, where will the Mets play? Maybe they should have waited before they tore down Shea...

Last month on this blog and my podcast I floated an idea that all mortgage lenders should originate all new loans with a frozen line of credit worth 8 months of interest payments set up so only the lender can touch that money if the borrower is late with his monthly payment. This type of policy would drastically cut down on foreclosures. Right now an astoundingly high amount of families are losing their homes and many owe more than the house is worth. A couple of years ago, these people had equity. But unfortunately, they are now upside down because banks tough lending policies have forced sellers to accept lowball offers because they know another qualified buyer might be very hard to find. And this trend continues all across the USA, and unfortunately, the more sellers settle for less, the more the home values plummet.

Now auto financing is in deep trouble, and that is trickling down to other high ticket items that people buy on credit as we see that electronics giant Circuit City is filing for bankruptcy following in the footsteps of Tops, Nobody Beats the Wiz and Newmark and Lewis where the "Dick Lewis is watching" slogan was posted all over the place... including the mens room!

This may be the Christmas season that is all about cash. First it was the six figure home loans, now it's the five figure car loans. The companies financing auto loans are making them hard to get even with those amazingly unpopular Saved By Zero Toyota ads which could only be worse if Billy Mays started yelling in those commercials too. Back when I was a kid, people always seemed to buy cars with cash. But nowadays car prices are so high that almost everybody needs car financing....but if you are able to walk into a car dealership with a wad of cash... those commission hungry salesman are going to be all over you ... that is of course unless its like the "Curb Your Enthusiasm" episode where your salesman is Larry David and "Richard Lewis is watching" and barges in to mess up the sale.

Now Circuit City's bankruptcy is making the situation very scary if indeed this is a credit trickle down from mortgages to cars to electronics. The inability to sell products that are not paid for in cash is going to make it difficult for stores such as Best Buy and PC Richard to move along high ticket items. And if you don't have cash you may find it hard to get credit unless you have the most stellar FICO score This year people will be lucky if they can buy something using anything besides cash or my best friend - the Visa debit card which lets you buy stuff only if the money is already in the bank.

That is why it's time for our new President to create the Office of Homeland Financial Security. Even though Henry Paulson has tried to organize a 7 billion dollar bailout, every dollar has to go to exactly the right place - and I feel that money should protect companies providing credit. Send the money to Mortgage lenders, companies that provide auto financing and banks that offer credit for those items we like to drool over at Best Buy - let's use that money to give those companies some security. Let them be the ones who will be able to have reassurance that they will be protected. Up until recently, you needed good credit to get financing.... but right now that well is dry because lenders are just too scared to get burned again.

And if Obama can pick the right person to handle this task - and the money is appropriated correctly, it will breathe life into the mortgage companies, car financing companies and companies that provide credit to big box stores. And despite what people say about the sinking quality of American cars - the cars can sell themselves -with the help of car salesmen. And once auto financing kicks back into gear, sales will start to increase again, stock prices will go up and the Big 3 will start to make more money so their CEO''s wont be criticized anymore for using a $20,000 private jet to ask for more money.

And that is my idea for Day 1 of Obama.

Or he can buy a puppy.

PUMPSTRADAMUS PICK OF THE WEEK:

Pumpy was a winner last week celebrating Rahm Emanuel's upcoming 49th b'day and watching his record improve to 8-3. This week we go to New York, home of the Yankees and the Jets. This week George Steinbrenner officially handed off his responsibilities to his son. Sunday, the NY Jets are in Tennesee to play the Titans. The Titans are 5 1/2 point faves. Sayeth the Pump: "In honor of the automaker CEO's method of travel - I pick the Jets".

UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICKS OF THE WEEK

Last week we went 2-1 to improve to a somewhat respectable 21-12.

Giants 3 faves over ARIZONA - This game is huge to give Big Blue a great shot at getting that oh so important week off after the regular season. If they win they would have a 3 game lead with 5 games left!

ATLANTA 1 fave over Carolina - Then we can root for home field throughout the playoffs.

San Fran 10 doggies over DALLAS - Hey this is in honor of Rahm Emanuel's 49th Birthday.

CLIP OF THE WEEK

We haven't had a clip for about a month so today we give you 2. I saw this on Neil Best's fine blog - in honor of George Steinbrenner who has now totally given up all of his Yankee responsibilities. Fans of Seinfeld know that the aformentioned Larry David played George Steinbrenner on Seinfeld. But Steinbrenner never appeared on the show... or did he? Check out this never aired clip and keep an eye out for the now defunct Nobody Beats the Wiz ad in the background at :49. There's that crazy 49 again!

CLIP OF THE WEEK #2

Here is the famous scene where Larry David becomes a car salesman only to be sabotaged by Richard Lewis.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Well folks, we did it! This week we celebrate 3 years of NWOW with our 164th column! Amazingly I still haven't run out of material! I decided that for this year's Bloggiversary I would re-read the columns from the last 12 months and pull out some wisecracks that were worth repeating - kind of like the quotes section in your favorite magazine or newspaper.

While looking back at the last 12 months, I saw the usual columns about tv, movies, and baseball but also noticed that as the election drew closer we included a lot of political talk and columns that addressed the mortgage crisis. Even this week, lame duck George W left his legacy intact by implementing a program that will save homes from foreclosure. But if you read the fine print it's not quite what it is touted out to be. When this crisis was first starting, I remember the words of a former co-worker who is a Scott Garrett-esque right wing Republican. (Garrett was just on CNN saying we shouldn't bail out the automakers - which mean more Japanese cars and more American job losses.) This co-worker said helping people in foreclosure doesn't make sense to him because it would screw over wealthy Wall Street investors.

Some mortgage loans are split among investors. Let's say Shemps loan is split into 3 pieces and they are bought by Larry, Moe and Curly. If Shemp defaults, then Larry Moe and Curly lose money. If you read the fine print of the Bush announcement, you will see that mortgages that qualify are those that were sold off to investors. Which means his "Shemp" bailout is really a "Larry Moe and Curly" bailout.

So without any further ado, let's get this party started and look back at 20 of my favorite wisecracks from the past year.

1. This comes from the Nov. 22, 2007 Thanksgiving column relating to the controversy involving members of the Hoboken SWAT team that got caught in some monkey business with some Hooters girls...

"One thing I am thankful for today... besides Trophy Wife.. is the Cops who make our streets safe! Thank you! Also kudos to the Hoboken SWAT Team who should be reinstated! Next time there's a hostage situation, all they need to do is toss in some Hooters Babes and everybody can go home happy."

2. This is from December 13 of last year as I recall a crazy delirious night after getting sick with a nasty bug that led me to take some medication that was apparently somewhat mind altering! It involves a dream I had about Bil Keane from The Family Circus whose wife the inspiration for the Mommy character passed away earlier this year...

"I decided that I needed to sleep so I popped in some comfort food into the dvd player... "The Sound of Music".... the legendary Rogers and Hammerstein musical and the cure to soothe all of us who have a fever. I also had been reading through an old book of cartoons written by the legendary Bil Keane of The Family Circus but as I drifted off to cough medicine induced sleepy-land, I had the strangest dream. It was like a long movie trailer with a narrator...

Bil Von Keane led the charmed life. A retired Navy Captain, his life was filled with structure and discipline. Every morning after he woke up at precisely 0600, he drew a circle and moments later had a funny cartoon about his kids. The early successes of his cartoons gave him the opportunity to publish many books along with book signings across the country including a Barnes and Noble in NJ where he had the opportunity to once meet Former NJ Governor Tom Kean prompting Von Keane to declare.. "Why the hell do you pronounce your name cane? It should be Keane!"

Buyers of his books noticed something very interesting. On the back covers it had a biography of Bil Von Keane which told people that he was the father of 5 kids. But in The Family Circus strip.. there was only Billy, Jeffy, Dolly and PJ. What happened to the 5th kid? Why wasn't the 5th kid in the strip? What could that kid have done that was so bad to be left out of the strip?? Did Von Keane once threaten.. ."Either you finish your Brussels Sprouts... or I am dropping you from the comic strip!" Did he hit Dolly in the head with a frying pan?

The kids were a bit much.. as was his wife. She always complained that she only had one hairstyle change since 1950. But Bil Von Keane was a strict disciplinarian and he knew he needed help with the kids and the house. He hired an ex nun named Maria to be their governess. He was always entertaining guests at his big house and every evening prior to bedtime all the children had to come to the steps to bid the guests Good Night. And every night it was the same. Von Keane stepped forward... blew his whistle and each child stepped forward and announced his name...

"Billy"

"Jeffy"

"Dolly"

"PJ"

"The Fifth Kid"...

And then they would all join in... "So Long, Farewell, auf weedershen adieu... Adieu Adieu to You and You and You and You and You.... Doo doo doo doo doo.

But a lot of secrets were hidden in the Von Keane house. Dolly had a telegram delivery friend named Elmo who lived near Dagwood Bumstead. Elmo used to spend a lot of quiet moments with her in the Von Keane gazebo. But Dolly was starting to lose Elmo... as the delivery boy was getting seduced by a growing militia from the Evil German Empire. The Germans were trying to persuade Von Keane to show his support for the incoming German regime...and join their military... but he refused! Ultimately the Von Keanes had to leave town, but just as their escape was complete there facing them with a drawn pistol was... Elmo??"

3. From the December 13th TV Quarterly Report - a plot I hatched to save the late and lamented Journeyman including a very accurate prediction of the 2008 Mets!

"Last year, the Jericho fans sent nuts to CBS execs because it related to that show's plot and with all those nuts pouring in CBS relented and is bringing the show back. As I pointed out in the comments section on TV critic Alan Sepinwall's blog, Monday's episode revealed that the son on Journeyman was conceived when his parents got frisky during a SF Giants game. So on the heels of the CBS-nuts-Jericho mailing campaign, I think that since Barry Bonds played for The Giants, Journeyman fans should mail steroids to NBC. Can you imagine Journeyman fans sneaking into NBC headquarters and injecting corporate bigshots with a shot of steroids in the tushy? Unless NBC comes to its senses, the only journeyman I will get to see is the parade of drek that will come out of the Mets bullpen starting in April."

4. The Jan 18 Octopussy review which featured a shot of Enco, the former name of Exxon (in the south - up here it was called Esso) discussing the impact of all these Indians moving to our area...

"Interestingly enough this movie was filmed in the early 1980s when a lot of us thought of India as an exotic foreign country.... but as Esso/Enco shifted to the back burner of our memory banks... Indians living in my part of NJ shifted curry to the front burners of their stoves taking away a lot of the mystery of this oh so exotic land" .

5. Jan 25, 2008 - discussing my preparations in case I meet an untimely end after learning a valuable lesson from Heath Ledger.

"By the way The Ledger refers to the Newark Star Ledger not the late actor Heath Ledger. Oh and by the way, if anybody ever finds me unconscious... don't call Mary Kate Olson... call freakin' 911!! I have now deleted all Olson sisters from my speed dial just to avoid the temptation!"

6. As we hit Feb. 1, the excitement of the Giants in the Super Bowl reached NWOW... this is from our Super Bowl Preview column... including a very interesting comment from Obama Supporter Pumpstradamus...

"I am excited for my Boys... and I hope to be here next week kvelling about The Giants and trash talking my pal Barry who just goes on and on with his endless Patriot/Red Sox/Celtic trash talking! I even have banned any reference to that other quarterback.... the show with the blended family with six kids has now been renamed the Manning Bunch... and the gun safetly laws named for Ronald Reagan's press secretary shot by John Hinckley has been renamed The Manning Bill! Until Monday at least...

Both myself and Pumpstradamus are predicting... A Giant victory!! Actually Pumpy originally was going to stick to his original pick of ... The Colts.. and yes folks he has no clue that the Colts QB and Giants QB are brothers!! I asked him again... and sayeth The Pump:

I'm taking the Giants, because Giuliani (whose name also begins with "Gi") dropped out of the race this week to back McCain, who's from Arizona (and of course, the game will be played in Arizona) . Go Giants, and go McCain!"

7. Then we had this nugget about Mitt Romney from Feb, 7th...

"I think back to 1986 when The Mets beat The Red Sox in the World Series and I recall a great idea of a campaign commercial with Red Sox first baseman Bill Buckner.

"Hi this is Bill Buckner reminding you to Vote Romney For President - because everyone in America could use a good Mitt!!"

8. On Feb 15th we discussed the trend of self destructing celebrities and the importance of using words in the proper context...

"Thursday, TMZ.com was showing that hysterical clip of a live discussion of The Vagina Monologues on The Today Show where Jane Fonda drops the c word on a stunned and mortified Meredith Viera. Its a funny clip, and even though Jane says it was the title of a monologue, you would think that the daughter of Henry Fonda would be savvy enough to know that you can't say the c word on TV.. even though its ok to have James Bond movies with Pussy Galore and Octopussy... Of course, they can talk about The Vagina Monologues till they're blue in the testicles... but God forbid Jane Fonda drops the C-word! Now all hell breaks loose... (even though The Today Show airs out of 30 Rock... the same building which created Triumph the Insult Comic Dog who recorded a song called "Cats are C-words".)

And isn't language all about context?? Hey The James Bond characters Pussy Galore and Octopussy, and The Sopranos Big Pussy are ok... and MTV can have a show called "pimp my ride" which has nothing to do with hookers.. but if an MSNBC commentator makes a wisecrack that Chelsea Clinton is being "pimped" out,.. everybody goes nuts because the word pimp could be looked at possibly as connecting Chelsea to the world's oldest profession! Just like Imus's usage of the word ho's which got him into such hot water. It was used as slang.... not to imply the Rutgers women were hookers... but nonetheless, the PC Police were all out in full force."

9. On March 11th, singer Lipa Schmeltzer was a hot topic. The ultra Orthodox singer was forced to cancel a concert in a manner that evoked memories of an early 70s cinematic masterpiece...

"Ultimately, the newspaper proudly recounts what happened next. Some powerful Rabbis within that community called Lipa in... and apparently those extremist activists must have approached those clergymen on the day of their daughter's wedding because you can never turn someone away on the day of your daughter's wedding... As a result these Rabbis made Lipa an offer he could not refuse. He was called to the Brooklyn home of one of the Rabbis and asked to sign a document that he would not appear at this concert. Basically it was either his signature or his payis! Ultimately it was try the cholent but save the spongecake... (Is there a Jewish food that resembles canolis?) And the producer who lost a ton of money was figuratively dragged out to the middle of the lake for a Fredo-esque farewell.... because if the show was not canceled, he would be swimming with the gefilte fish... or wake up in the morning and find himself in bed with the head of a horse radish."

10. Coming in at No. 10 - hey I feel like Casey Kasem. March 30th - our baseball preview and a bizarre injury involving a former Met.

"The Astros also picked up former Met Kaz Matsui from Colorado... but he is out for now due to an Anal Fissure. Anal Fissure? Is that any relation to Ira Joe Fissure."

11. This clip from May 11th is pretty self contained...

"Speaking of the Devils, I saw in the newspaper this week that a judge has issued arrest warrants for 2 former Meadowlands based athletes... onetime NY Giant Bart Oates and former NJ Devil Ken Daneyko because they failed to show up to give depositions in a real estate lawsuit. The judge in Newark is Judge Michael Giles, who it was revealed a few weeks ago got into a bit of trouble for cursing in his courtroom. What happens if these 2 guys show up in court, and the judge roots for The Jets and The Rangers? Is he going to yell at them.... "You bastards....." etc.??"

12. More political yuks from June 4th

"Hillary appeared at Baruch College and added an atta adonay to pray that she can somehow not give up her race for the Democratic ticket"

13. From June 16th, discussing the death of Family Man Tim Russert where he was described here as...

"... a tough, well prepared interviewer who was notorious for being such a big family man especially to his dad Big Russ and son Luke who he talked about endlessly. And you can tell by NBC and MSNBC's weekend coverage that this was one well liked fella. Can you imagine him at the hospital introducing himself to his newborn son with a Vader-esque..."Luke I am your father".

14. On July 7th NWOW weighed in on the Christie Brinkley divorce trial from that kooky ex husband..

"And he pays for porn? Hey save your shekels.. there is a TON of free porn out there – at least that is what I have heard. I would think that this is only such a hot topic since Brinkley was a former model who has aged quite well now that she is in her 50s…. I woulda thought she would have started to look like David Brinkley by now…"

15. Here are a couple of nuggets about the All Star Game that I posted shortly after that marathon game ended including an observation about George Steinbrenner..

"Incidentally, George wore his sunglasses at night at a game that ended on a throw by... Corey Hart!"

and

"I think the Tampa Bay Rays have the right combo of hitting and starting pitching led by former Met Scott Kazmir. Therefore I pick the Rays for the Wild Card even though everyone still calls them by their old name of Devil Rays. Can we call them Blu Rays instead? And maybe refer to the Yankees as the HD-DVD of the 2008 season?"

16. On September 4th, it was time for the Republican convention - and our first introduction to Sara Palin!

"I watched Palin Friday and the first thing that came to mind was she was wearing Amy Winehouse's hair. (If you were born before 1970... she was wearing Ruth Buzzi's hair). Now she has let her hair down and looks pretty hot. That 18 year old boy who impregnated her jailbait daughter probably had a few "Stiffler's Mom" shrieks during his evenings of passion with the first daughter.

Now on Labor Day we heard that the older 17 year old daughter is pregnant by an 18 year old boyfriend whose hockey abilities obviously include being able to slip one past the goalie. The Republicans who think that pregnant teens only exist on The Maury Povich Show quickly announced that this girl's pregnancy has no relevance."

17. That same September 4th column also featured the 1st of 3 wacky observations about John King and his crazy CNN map... here we refer to a comment Roger Ebert made about his former co-worker, columnist Jay Mariotti... where he told his former colleague.... 'On your way out, don't let the door bang you on the ass."

"Also John King has his amazing little election map that he smacks with his hand..... you almost wish he would yell Big Bucks, No Whammies and Stop beforehand,.... to show how each area has voted. It was cool to see him at his map talking to Governors who might have lost a Geography Bee to King about regions of their own state. He even let some Governors touch the map....which they seemed to find very exciting. I wonder if he takes that map home at night.. throws fellow CNN colleague/fiance Dana Bash on top of it and does the ol' Hoochy McScoochy right on top of it. If Dana positions herself correctly on the midwest.. one could see Ebert making more wisecracks about being banged on the ass...."

This topic was revisited again on October 17th,....

"Dana married her first husband - a guy named Bash and took on his name. Now she is married to John King.. but still goes by the last name of her ex husband. It's kind of odd that John King will speak to her on the air and refer to her by her previous husband's last name! Imagine if she hyphenated her name... then divorced hubby #2 and married Tony Robbins... her name would be Dana Bash-King Robbins! By the way, just like the aforementioned Elizabeth Banks, John King converted to Judaism prior to the wedding, which is physically more painful for a man than a woman. Mazel tov to the King family and tune in later today on CNN as John King and Larry King will have a Shmini Atzeret trivia contest."

And again on Halloween, this time using his map as a teaching tool about other topics...

"Btw, can you imagine if he uses that map highlighter to teach his kids about the birds and the bees? Here on the east coats is the daddy and his shmeckle - Over in California, this is the mommy and her eggs. Now if the shmeckle juice ends up swimming through the midwest...."

18. The changes to Rutgers Football Stadium were mentioned on September 19th...

"I actually live near the new and improved Rutgers Stadium and it is pretty cool to drive past it during a game. The stands are positioned so that the fans appear to jut out almost on to River Road and as I drive by I see the fans cheering (well maybe not this season) and I can almost imagine them saying... "Great driving job Nate!... Great footwork on the gas pedal!"

19. Speaking of Stadiums, on October 3rd we had these comments about Shea and Yankee Stadiums

"I was kind of curious what the Shea finale would be like after seeing the great show that was put on at Yankee Stadium the previous week. It was neat to see Yogi Berra who had a key role for both franchises participate at both Stadium Closing ceremonies. Perhaps Yogi should be hired for other closings.... like bank closings? Hey join us this week as we close the doors on Wachovia... with a special appearance by Yogi Berra!!

At that point it was time for the last pitch - an incredibly clever idea which Tom Seaver tossed to Mike Piazza. The two then walked to the outfield to In My Life by The Beatles... don't forget The Beatles concert was an important part of Shea's history - and strolled to the center field wall... at which point they closed the wall behind them essentially closing the Stadium.

It would have been nice if right before that, they would have tossed a grenade into the bullpen and just blow it up... but that was not meant to be."

20. And finally from October 31 - some keen observations about Republicans right before the elections, including several late campaign speeches by Sarah Palin where she attempted to win the Jewish vote by making harsh comments about Palestinians.

"One campaign that caught my attention is the Republican hot bed in Northwest NJ where a blind Rabbi named Dennis Shulman is running for Congress against incumbent Scott Garrett. Hey, I'd rather have a blind Rabbi than a blind mohel.

And, with all this anti Palestinian talk, Sarah Palin is starting to look like Meir Kahane with boobs"

And there you have it.... 20 wisecracks from the last year.. incidentally the original version had it as Meir Kahane with a different female body part, but some people thought that might be too rough for the possible future VP... Well, Palin lost... although I get the feeling we haven't seen the last of her - and Bloggiversary #7 could very well be a recap of her Election Day loss to President Obama!

PUMPSTRADAMUS PICK OF THE WEEK - Pumpy tasted defeat last week to drop his record to 7-3. Two bloggiversaries ago, we started the tradition of picking the San Fransisco game after Nancy Pelosi's big showing in 2006. This week its the enthralling match up between the 49ers and The Rams. The Niners are 6 and a half point faves. Sayeth The Pump: "In honor of Obama's selection of Rahm Emanuel I gotta go with the obvious - The 49ers, because Rahm will celebrate his 49th birthday in 2 weeks!".

UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICKS OF THE WEEK: Last week we went 1-2 to drop to 19-11.

GIANTS 6 1/2 point faves over Baltimore - I heard that a Jersey City Councilman got arrested for pishing off a balcony at a bar last week. I hope that if he attends this game his seats are in the pish proof lower deck!

Detroit 14 doggies to CAROLINA - Even though everybody thinks the Lions-Titans game will be 0-11 vs. 11-0, an 0-9 team can be very dangerous and shouldn't be taken for granted.

Vikings 3 1/2 doggies over TAMPA BAY - The more Tampa and Atlanta lose, the closer the Giants get to a playoff berth. I think Minnesota-ans are so tired of the Coleman-Franken race that they will welcome the distraction!

Friday, November 07, 2008

I just realized... no more elections.... no more baseball... now what do I do??

The election season that is now finally over was unlike any other we had ever seen... which is what we seem to say every 4 years. In '04 I was on a cruise ship with Trophy Wife watching CNN International with Wolf Blitzer and it took great restraint not to jump overboard as the concept of Bush II became a reality. Luckily we stayed afloat and didn't sink unlike the economy during Bush II.

The big change this time around was not only that blogs have become more popular - NWOW celebrates its 3rd bloggiversary next week - appears to be the instant messaging capabilities on Facebook. The time leading to election day was a bit annoying with people constantly repeating their political views and then right before Tuesday "donating their status" to their candidate! I donated mine to the local sandwich franchisee who let me cut in front of him in the voting line in exchange for this announcement - all subs are now 5 bucks!

Now I am seeing all the commentary about the decision to add Rahm Emanuel. Personally, I think Obama deserves a little vaca time after that endless campaign and you know the next 4 yrs are gonna be tough... Did you ever see the before and after pics of Presidents from Election Day to 4 years later? I'm curious how much he is going to age in that time - he might look like Redd Foxx in 2012!

Emanuel is an interesting choice for the post and that will put an end to any speculation that the Obama White House will be an Open House for Louis Farakhan. Emanuel reportedly has a short fuse and doesn't take crap from anybody. In addition, his talent agent brother Ari Emanuel is the inspiration for the Ari Gold character on "Entourage"! Apparently, Rahm has a similar Ari Goldesque temperament... I can just see him bringing Congressman Barney Frank to the White House to be his "Lloyd". All of a sudden this Obama administration looks like it could be entertaining!

Today we present our TV Quarterly Report. We will start with the Election Coverage and then go to the Fall Season which for me begins after the World Series. WE will talk about the fact that there are only 2 good nights of TV with one very notable exception. By the way, last week we moved one of the tvs into the bedroom which had been tv less since we moved into our house last year. I rarely watch TV in our bedroom, but Trophy Wife and I decided to move one there. As a child, my parents had a tv in their bedroom and here is a pic of a very young Nate the TV critic watching - probably a game show!

TUESDAY'S ELECTION COVERAGE.

I mostly watched CNN even though I was kind of baffled by the glowing Will.I.Am hologram interview. Pretty cool idea - maybe that might be how news will be presented. Back in the old days, people were just as stunned that Huntley and Brinkley were anchoring the news from 2 different studios.. maybe Star Wars stuff is the wave of the future. But it still strikes me as being odd beaming somebody in like the Princess Leia scene in Star Wars - "Hey Obie Wan - Obie Won!" My friend Jake has an autographed pic of Adrienne Barbeau on his Facebook but I will now use my holographic powers to beam that pic right here.... Adrienne... welcome to NWOW

As things started to look good for Obama on Tuesday, I decided to tune over to Fox News to see how they were handling it. It was rather amusing to watch their long faces as 8 years of a Republican White House had come to an end. (Nauseatingly enough the GOP has been in the White House for 20 of the last 28 years - blech!) Watching the Fox News Channel the night Obama won the election was like watching the losing locker room interviews after the Super Bowl.

CNN didnt use as much as John King's magic map as I had anticipated... or maybe I just was not watching too closely. As part of the new generation of media coverage I found myself watching News Radio 88's camera coverage of its radio broadcasts that they were showing on their website. It was quite fascinating to see 2 anchormen sitting there playing commercials, going live to Tony Guida and basically holding down the fort with a lot of down time. One of the anchors seemed to spend a lot of time on his black berry while the other guy just kind of sat there looking at an unseen monitor. They rarely spoke to each other off air although one guy did get a drink for the other guy. On the radio it sounded smooth, but watching them made their job seem a tad dull.

I also found myself tuning it to ABC late at night.. .this was the first Presidential Election in the post Peter Jennings era... and I was mesmerized by how remarkably good Diane Sawyer was looking even though she must have been putting in a 20 hour day. I presume she was able to make it back the next morning for Good Morning America? I didn't bother getting up early to watch to see if she was back on.

BEST NIGHT OF TV NUMBER ONE

Sunday has become one of the 2 best days on TV - after all the Sunday football I am ready for some yuks which is why Seth MacFarlane continues to be the King of Sunday Night cartoons! He rules the roost with the classic Family Guy and the extremely amusing American Dad. The episode with Roger the alien having a split personality and having one persona steal the id from the other one in order to get a credit card was quite hysterical. Now Family Guy is spinning off Cleveland into his own show as he bluntly pointed out to Quagmire while they were being held against their will in the Griffin's basement in the "Home Alone" episode. How often does a guy being held prisoner turn to his fellow captive and say - "Hey Im getting a spinoff!".

I have also noticed there is a bit of a Simpsons vs. Family Guy competition because McFarlane has been pointing out Family Guys pulling in a larger audience than The Simpsons in the weekly TV ratings. McFarlane is finally getting some long deserved credit but even though I think The Family Guy is funnier, I don't think it will last anywhere near as long as The Simpsons will. I used to watch Desperate Housewives, but now i have been watching it on ABC.com later in the week. However, ABC did something with their video player and the audio and video never seems to be in synch, which makes it a bit difficult to watch. It could be an issue with my computer.

After The Fox cartoons its off to HBO to watch Entourage. The 4 guys and Ari Gold provide for a very amusing and entertaining show. Jeremy Piven is absolutely brilliant as Ari and the 4 boys interact with each other quite well. Even Turtle's character who is somewhat irrelevant has some big moments - his little handy run in on the plane with the girl from The Sopranos made him the butt of jokes from Drama - but when his bragging about his studliness came back to bite him and he got dumped, Drama was the first person to immediately step forward to defend his pal who he had been endlessly picking on for the last several episodes. Nice to see somebody has a heart. Its like a buddy movie with a nutty power hungry agent and a gay assistant (Lloyd) who seems to be the target of every gay joke that has ever been written.

After Entourage I tend to flip to the NFL game or Fox 5 Sports Extra. For those of you not in our tv market - sports caster Andy Adler is a woman and homina homina homina! You oughta see the outfits she wears. After that its over to Channel 4 for the night to see the late news... now anchored by Darlene Rodriguez although last Sunday Sue Simmons co anchored with Chuck Scarborough and Sue had the craziest looking perm I had ever seen! Her hair was back to its normal self Monday night. Maybe she was sending a message to management that she doesn't like working weekends??

After getting my sports wrapup with Mike'd Up with Mike Francesa - I just discovered that early seasons of Monk are being rerun on Channel 4. I had never seen the earlier seasons and everyone raves about his original assistant, so now I will get to see what I was missing.

BEST NIGHT ON TV NUMBER TWO

Nothing is better on back to work Monday than coming home to get some yuks. CBS has the hysterical Big Bang Theory at 8 and then How I Met Your Mother at 8:30. Heroes follows at 9 - and even though there has been a lot of controversy swirling around the show this season - 2 producers were fired this week - I think the show is quite entertaining.

What will it take to fix Heroes? Well let's keep one concept intact - Heroes has a very good way of creating good guys and bad guys and then painting them with a shade of gray to make the bad guys look good and vice versa. This vagueness with who do you root for makes for some excellent storytelling you don't see too often on TV. The problem is what are these guys up to? Parkman meets Heroes version of Pumpstradamus and knows he will hook up with Daphne, while at the same time she has to abduct him for her bosses. At the moment they meet for the first time... they already know each other yet they have never met or spoken. But what is the end game to all this?? Well maybe the Heroes should be crime fighting superheroes - kind of like the Fantastic 4. Unfortunately the writers have created so many freaking characters with so many different tangents and time traveling time lines that its getting harder to get the plots under control. While I like the idea of not so bad bad guys and not so good good guys... it would be nice if they team up to fight a villain. The episode with Claire and her 2 moms teaming up to defeat the puppeteer was not only quite suspenseful but also set a good example of the kind of super hero team work that could make the show work even better.

The night wraps up at 10 with the silliness of CSI Miami..(what are they doing to Emily Procter? Did she get some collageon or something? She doesnt look right) and at the same time ABC is airing Boston Legal pitting David Caruso against William Shatner in the battle of the worst actors. Shatner has either gotten to be a better actor or a caricature of himself since we have gotten so used to his poor acting skills, that he seems to be just imitating himself.

BEST NEW SHOW OF THE FALL

I usually dont get too involved with the new fall shows because half the time they get canceled anyway. Last year's time traveling Journeyman was a typical example,. That is why when I heard another show involving a time traveling element would premiere this fall, I got a little nervous that I would get hooked. Well I got hooked on Life on Mars which is by far the best new TV show of the season.

Over the summer I started watching Swingtown on CBS - a show that took place in the 70s involving 3 couples... one swinging couple,... one square couple,.... and one couple sort of in the middle. While the "swingers in prime time" aspect got all the attention - in reality the show had a lot of heart warming moments and it turns out that as the season ended, the swinging couple emerged as having the strongest marriage.

Once the show wrapped up (and sadly probably for good) in September I had this nostalgia for the 70s that only seemed to be fulfilled by watching old game shows on GSN. Along came Life on Mars with this crazy concept about a cop who gets smacked in the head.. and wakes up living in the 1970s where he is working as.... a 1970's cop. And if you watched the crime shows in the 70s and the crime shows of today, you know that cops were different back then - at least on TV. Nobody really knows how he ended up back in the 70s.. much like the mystery surrounding the time traveling abilities of the main character on Journeyman.... so the premise of a 2008 cop on a 70s cop show with a bizarrely mysterious back story - is kind of like a cross between Lost and Kojak.

If you watch the old '70s cop show reruns, you kind of get a little nostalgic because the current era shows are basically out of the Law and Order and CSI format. And the occasional cop show involving a cop with an offbeat personality don't seem to do well. One case was Boomtown on NBC a few years back - the lead character in that show is the same actor who plays mysterious Dave Williams on Desperate Housewives.

The 70s cops on that show are well played by Havey Keitel and Michael Imperioli from The Sopranos. Imperioli's character has a pretty accurate 70s sideburns and mustache look while both cops are incredibly Archie Bunker-esque in their political incorrectness. The fact that they nicknamed a female cop No Nuts pretty much explains how these guys operate.

The other mystery is how did this guy bang his head and wake up 35 years ago? This show ran in England and already explained it... but nobody knows if the American version will follow the same path although I hear the first few episodes were strikingly similar. I don't know anything about the British Life on Mars so I will have to stay in suspense to see how all this falls into place. Nonetheless, the mystery combined with the old 70s cop show characters makes Life on Mars by far the best new show of the season!

STUFF ON THE OTHER NIGHTS

Other than Life on Mars the non Sunday - Monday shows are pretty lame. I do catch a couple of other shows on Fox - Kitchen Nightmares is entertaining but it's the same thing every week. A restaurant is poorly run... Gordon comes for a visit, hates the food, curses a few times, fixes the place up, reopens it, watches them struggle with the crowds for the reopening, and then everybody is happy and sings cumbaya at the end.

Friday also has a couple of goodies - Don't Forget the Lyrics could bring in a lot of money if I can ever convince Trophy Wife to go on the show. Wayne Brady is the perfect host for this karaoke game show. And Bill Maher's show on HBO has been terrific when he gets a good panel - although I think the show's quality might drop a bit now that the elections are over.

One last show I have really started to enjoy - oddly enough I work from my home office in the mornings and Friday afternoons so I catch The People's Court. I think this is the best of all the court shows because Judge Milian is not only easy on the eyes but also seems to have a lot of common sense and doesn't yell at everybody like the more popular Judge Judy. I am also trying to figure out the logistics of how Harvey Levin balances his New York People's Court tapings with his LA TMZ daily show. And I recently found out on Wikipedia that Levin is openly gay. I never knew that - not that there is anything wrong with it of course. Unless you want to get married in California - but that my friends is a topic for another day!

PUMPSTRADAMUS NFL PICK OF THE WEEK - For the 6th time in 7 weeks, Pumpy was right again last week to improve to 7-2. This week we go to Chicago, home of President Elect Obama. The Bears are 3 point home dogs against Tennessee - Sayeth the Pump - "To paraphrase Oprah, I couldn't bare to watch the results if McCain would have won - take the Bears!"

UNBIASED GIANTS FAN PICKS OF THE WEEK - We went 2-1 last week - we are actually 15-3 over the last 6 wks - the season record is now 18-9.

Giants 3 point doggies over PHILLY - A 3 point home favorite essentially means the oddsmakers feel the teams are very equal. I politely disagree with that.

RAIDERS 9 doggies over Carolina - The Giants and Carolina are battling for home field in the playoffs. Pumpy had his gutsy Raiders pick against the Jets a few weeks ago, and he won. They should at least cover.