It’s May, which means Tourist Season for Moscow. On top of that, 50,000 British soccer fans will be descending upon this fair city towards the end of the month, bringing with them their delightfully crooked-toothed smiles, and their downright freakishly ugly womenfolk! In order to serve U, the Tourist, we are offering this special impossible-to-follow guide to Moscow’s must-visit sites.

Click map to enlarge graphic or scroll down to browse the fun tourist activities in text mode...

The Fabled Tochka

There’re many tochkas all around Moscow. To get there, slowly repeat the following to any bombila: "tochka." Don’t be shy, just repeat after us: "tochka pozhaluista." (Would you like to have the number and address of a whore salon close to your house? The eXile has many options that will suit every taste. Call us and please have your credit card ready.)

The Moskva River

Take a dip here in this famous spot where the father of Russian democracy, Boris Yeltsin, once fell into the river and nearly drowned during one of his suicidal drinking binges.

Time: 30 minutes (but only 30 seconds in the Moscow River, the maximum amount that human flesh can survive)

Moskvich Hotel

When you first come to Moscow, you’ll entertain notions of staying in a centrally-located hotel. Then you’ll look at the prices, feel extremely light-headed for a few seconds, and when the fibrillation attack ends, you’ll opt for a hotel somewhere a bit farther out. As in all the way out in Tekhstilshchiki, a rough bumfuck district in Moscow’s south. There, you’ll check in to the glorious Moskvich Hotel, whose slightly-less-exorbitant prices mean you’ll only have to sell off one of your children to medical experiments in order to pay the tab.

What you’ll need to register here: bank account statements, and birth certificates proving that the child you plan to sell does indeed belong to you.

Time: Too much

Pharmacy That Sold Us Opiates

Visit the apteka outside of the Marino metro exit which used to supply the Friends Of Exile with all of their considerable opiate needs. Go on a "vomit stain hunt," searching for famous puke points marking where the eXile editors who simply could not wait until they got home inhaled entire sheets of Tramadal XR.

Time: 12 hours high, 48 hours crash

The Bill Browder Experience

Moscow offers the chance to spend an afternoon living just like one-time hedge fund honcho Bill Browder lived. First head to the Chinese Garden restaurant in the Mezh Center and order yourself Browder’s favorite, crispy duck. While feasting, gaze over at the White House where Putin now rules from. Challenge yourself to come up with even greater praise for Putin than Browder once managed, if such a feat is possible. As you wrap yourself another hunk of crispy duck and plum sauce, say to yourself, "If only Putin knew what they did to Bill Browder, surely he’d intervene to have him taken off the Interpol’s Most Wanted list."

Time: 90 minutes

The Hungry Duck

Visit this living monument to a time when being a foreigner counted for something. Known as Ground Zero for the "White God Factor," today the Hungry Duck is the Chernobyl of night clubs, whose mutant patrons still haunt its spooky vomit-soaked ruins. Head out to the balcony where legend has it an eXile editor anally violated a young dyevushka, simply because he felt like doing it. Augment your experience by reading a copy of the eXile’s "Go Dollar!" issue from September, 1998.