Shark Week: Inspiring More Fear Than Actual Sharks Do For Over 20 years

I love sharks. Love them. I do not love Shark Week. In honor of the Discovery Channel re-airing its Shark Week, I re-offer my examination of TV’s most prestigious week. Oh, you have not read it before.

So, why do I think Shark Week on The Discovery Channel is just so, so ridiculous?

Well, because…

“Sharks are calm, by nature. Focused. But for ages scientists have wondered: how will they react if we throw blood and food in the water, then slap them in the face and jab them with sharp sticks and tell them they’re fat? We endeavored to answer this age-old question and – Holy crap, they’ve gone berserk! Look at that rage! That destruction! I did NOT see this coming! This is as surprising and shocking as it is photogenic!”

Did you know that sharks have 6 senses, instead of 5? Yeah, well, you wouldn’t be thinking about that when their teeth slice through your rib cage like 50 Ginsu knives!

Because…

“Here we can see seven or eight tiger sharks swimming rather aimlessly. Notice the coloring. Here we see one nosing the camera curiously. Hm. But if we speed the film up… now it’s like they’re swarming! It’s a frenzy! Oh, the terror! That one’s coming right at the camera!!! Aaaaaaaahhhh!”

Because…

“Here we see a Yellow Shark patrolling the ocean floor, scanning for prey. He comes upon a fish and, whoa! Did you see him eat that fish?! He ate the hell out of that fish! Can you imagine if your child was that fish? Think about it! Take a minute and think about your child being that fish! Oh, there he is, slapping the water with his little palms! Look at me, mama, I love the ocean! I love you and trust you so mu – CHOMP. GULP. GONE.”

Because…

“No one knows why, exactly, shark attacks have taken such a dramatic rise in the last few years. Could it be because over-fishing has made the search for food more desperate? Could it be because there’s almost 7 billion people now so, logically, there’s going to be more people having these run-ins? Or could it be that sharks have developed an insatiable taste for nubile human flesh? Whatever the reason, shark attacks have become so common that someone who lives at the ocean and surfs every single day for years is now 8 times more likely to be attacked by a shark than he is to be attacked by a Himalayan snow leopard. In fact, shark attacks now account for nearly 0.000000000000013% of all unnatural deaths in the world each year. Each. Year.”

Because…

Then, over on the dessert table we put – Oh, Jesus, it’s like they don’t even care that they obviously look like little people!

“Now, in order to get a sense of how humans eat, we’ve made this meatloaf in the shape of a smiley face. Next, we put it in the buffet at Izzy’s at the start of the dinner rush. Let’s watch what happens… okay, a few of them have bumped it… they’re curious; checking it out… someone’s taken it! They’re eating it! They’re eating the face! Oh, lord, this is horrifying! Look at him eat the face! If that was your face that would definitely be fatal! Your face would totally be getting eaten by that guy! OH GOD, he’s eating the little meatball eye we put in the face! Truly, it reveals the cold savagery of humans that one would eat something made of food that vaguely resembles its own species! It’s ownspecies!

Because…

“For too long have these mysterious and majestic creatures have been misunderstood because of our fears. Humans have spent countless hours ignoring the fascinating history and facets of these titans, choosing instead to fixate on the myths, simply because sharks are so much more powerful than we and we’re helpless, out there, feet dangling in the bottomless depths like that skinny-dipper at the beginning of Jaws? Remember that? Tug. Oh my God, what was that? That scene was pretty freaky, right? Because of their rows of teeth, and cold, dead, black eyes that just seem to be soulless, you know? Like you’re looking into an abyss of evil? Like your nightmares live behind those eyes? And they’re so FAST, and the teeth which reproduce in ROWS, and they can swallow you WHOLE if they’re big enough, so you’re still alive in there, and the BLOOD, and RIPPING, and SWARMS OF PURE TERROR. So, in the hopes of learning more about our planet’s oldest dominant species, we present: Shark Week.”

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Blog in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

Not to backtrack or be an apologist, but I’ve only actually seen little bits of Shark Week. I love sharks and am utterly fascinated by them to the point of considering starting a shark-worshipping cult (application are available!), so I’ve watched bits of Shark Week first as genuine interest, then disdain, then mocking belittlement.

I’ll take an application, please. I sometimes swim where sharks live, I mean FEED (what was I thinking – this is Shark Week!!)…I am hoping a “WSW” (World-wide Shark Worshipper) charm dangling from an ankle bracelet will spare my life – or at least one leg…

I would “Like” this, but that seems inappropriate because I love it! I especially appreciate the shark/Himalayan snow leopard attack comparison. I wish statistics like that were used exclusively in humorous posts, with the latter part not whispered!

Also, I assume you would not be interested in my Shark Week bag from Comic Con?* Call it a hunch. 😉

* These bags are shoved in your face as you’re walking. I’ve never actually watched Shark Week in whole or part.

Not to be contrary (Get it? Contrary? Get it? You totally get it. ) but I think Shark Week is some of the best television all year. It doesn’t make me scared of sharks at all- it makes me want to be a shark. I think you’re missing the point of shark week, which is clearly that sharks are awesome but when you put music to videos of sharks they become totally freaking awesome.

I just read an article in the current Outside magazine about the rise of shark attacks. There is great controversy regarding the chumming of the waters to get old sharkey to come and scare the crap out of tourists in a cage. The point I like the most was that we don’t go to Africa and throw out a carcass in order to attract a lion, tiger or bear, OH MY! (sorry) But we do that to the fiercest, oldest damn predator in the ocean. Stupidheads.

Just got back from Australia. I said something was “shocking” while I was there. Between my accent and their preoccupation with sharks, the Aussie I was speaking to thought I said, “sharking” and asked if that was an American expression. Apparently they think our Shark Week obsession has led to stupid expressions as well. Good on ya, dumb Americans!

I would never have guessed shark to the the animal with a sixth sense. I was thinking more, maybe the owls. The just sit there waiting for something, like they know its happening, like they’re psychic.

Apparently they can basically feel the electro-magnetic energy that others beings give off. There’s really cool video of it in action. Like a digger fish burrows in to the sea floor, covers itself up. A little later a shark comes swimming by, passes by the spot – whoop, hold up! – whips around and chomps in to the ground, bad day for the digger fish.

I too can feel the electro-magnetic energy that other beings give off. Sometimes it’s cool, but other times, it’s just a headache. I’m constantly having to re-Gauss my video screens and don’t get me started about airport security.

Sharks can sense my sixth sense and give me a wide berth in the briny deep. Jellyfish are nowhere near as polite.

I’ll have to show this to my son. He recently caught a 4 1/2 foot brown shark on the NJ surf. He is actually holding it with his hands for a photo shoot. 3 girls asked him if they could take a picture with him and he got 2 phone numbers. So, in his 17 year old world..Sharks Rock! Don’t worry he thanked the shark over and over before he put him back. They had an understanding..I’ll get you some girls, you put me back…capiche.

I was watching it last night when they were throwing in the rubber seal to get it to attack and I was thinking that must piss them off real bad. They think their getting a yummy seal treat and lo and behold it’s a wetsuit. Blech.

I suppose they’re happy about all the chum being thrown to them, but after that it’s all tease. I saw a segment once in which they made a fake shark out of fiberglass (or something), and put dead fish and blood in it to see if sharks would eat it. It did, which on ONE hand might show that sight is not a dominant sense for sharks, which would seem obvious. On the OTHER hand, though, it might prove that SHARKS ARE WILLING TO EAT OTHER SHARKS. THEY JUST DON’T EVEN CARE.

Isn’t it weird that because the mechanical shark malfunctioned and Spielberg had to improvise (seeing things from the sharks point of view, etc.), that ever since we’ve got hundreds of movies where you don’t see the monster/villain until the end?

While watching Shark Week I saw a few statistics along the bottom of the screen that seem to prove that even Shark Week isn’t taking its campaign of terror very seriously anymore. One staistic was along the lines of in 2006, 26,000 people were harmed by air fresheners and 43,000 people were harmed by toilets, while only 25 people were harmed by sharks.

You know, it would be an interesting experiment to see what shapes of food people are more reluctant to eat. It wouldn’t prove very much, but it’d be interesting. I mean, people eat gingerbread men and animal crackers…

I don’t watch much of the Shark Week events on Discovery Channel (“Shark Week” means something different around my household), but I STILL have “cage dive with Great Whites” on my Bucket List. They can’t scare me!!!

I love Shark Week and I don’t care what you say. You cannot take my Shark Week away from me. They’re ginormous, most humans never see one, they have razor-sharp teeth in rows and their entire faces retract when they open wide. Awesomesauce.

Oh man. I will never feel the same about eating those delicious scrumptious gingerbread men again! Thanks a lot, B. Thanks for ruining Christmas for me. What a scrooge!

Did you see the story of the guy who was rescued after his boat sank and when they showed the video of him treading water, they pulled back and you could see like 20 dark shapes in the water all around him. For some strange reason, though, he was not eaten. Maybe they were just full from eating the OTHER guy who was in the boat with them. Yeah, that’s probably it.

I keep meaning to do a “Why I love sharks” post, but I’m afraid it would just sound like a 12-year-old girl describing a pop star. “Omigod, they’re totally sooooooo cool! I love them! They have six senses and can swim super fast and, omigod! Eeeeeeee!”

I am not sure if you have gone through this before, but these are the 3 steps to follow if you choose to accept it:
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Since you have probably done this many times before, you can just reply to this comment with a link to the last time you did it.