An Idiot’s Guide to a Smaller Cricket World Cup

The 2019 cricket World Cup is slated to be a contest of only 10 teams, down from the current 14.

There are multiple reasons why the ICC want to do this. Here is a short video that explains their position.

In any case, it is incumbent on all cricket fans to approach this change with open arms. Embracing something different is exactly why Nazism worked in Germany.

What can go wrong?

The ICC announcing a 10 team World Cup is not really a problem. In fact, I think they haven’t gone hard enough. If they really wanted to cut costs, why not an 8 team competition?

I even reckon 6 is more than enough.

Relying on a single country to provide a quality cricket team is bound to fail. In fact, the ICC have conducted two experiments recently to see if broadening the man made geographical boundaries has merit.

The results are in and clearly it works.

The West Indies is an amalgamation of 15 countries. They seem to be going ok.

The ECB combines England and Wales. Both are apparently countries in their own right. I need to check that fact. You should marvel at how successful they have been recently.

So, given this, here are the teams the ICC should adopt for the 2019 World Cup.

IndoPakAfghaniLankaDesh

Let’s be brutally honest. The Asian Bloc is where the money and the power is. By merging them all into one global cricketing monolithic superpower, the ICC have the ability to sell the broadcast rights for the equivalent of Fort Knox plus the combined contents of Harsha Bhogle’s man bag.

The Pakistani’s would have other people to blame instead of Misbah.

Virat would have access to a wider range of journalists to abuse.

Dhoni could be a Vice President of Sri Lankan cements.

Hamid Hassan could ensure the team had at least one decent fast bowler.

Of course, for ease of use, Nepal, Bhutan and the Maldives will also be represented by this conglomerate.

Great Britain and Northern Island, with special guest ‘the other Ireland’

I’ve never understood the geopolitical landscape of this region of the world.

There’s England, and then there’s these other countries that they forced into being part of Britain. Not just any Britain. A great one.

Then they let some of it be free but not the other part. They stole someone from the free part and made them the ODI captain. Then they dropped the name ‘Wales’ from the cricketing board’s name probably because nothing good comes from there or something.

Anyhow, if we just merge the two big islands and let the multitude of little ones come for the ride, we could probably muster up a competitive team.

Isn’t this what they do in the Olympics?

ANZAC

Many of you may not know, but Australia’s constitution allows for the North and South Islands of East Australia to join the Commonwealth of Australia proper at any time.

Don’t believe me?

Look:

For some reason, Australia has tolerated New Zealand pretending to be its own little independent place. The Queen thinks otherwise.

It’s about time New Zealand act like a proper state and allow McCullum, Boult, Southee and Williamson to play in a decent team.

The baggy green will be replaced with a slouch hat. The flag doesn’t need to change. No one has ever noticed that the stars are slightly different.

For this to work, Richard Hadlee would still need to be a wanker.

The America’s

The West indies currently represent this area, but it is a bit misleading. When you think of the West Indies, you think of island paradises and Chris Gayle’s girlfriends. The problem is that not all members of the West Indies are actually islands.

Exhibit A – Guyana.

It is not an island. It is part of the South American mainland. Players such as Clive Lloyd, Chanderpaul and Carl Hooper all come from there.

These guys probably can’t even swim.

Therefore, it makes sense to just have a team from the Americas. Both of them. North, South and Central.

Think of the audience you can now sell to.

USA, Canada, Mexico, Brazil, Suriname….the list goes on and on.

It is a World Cup after all.

It should contribute to the increased use of non traditional cricketing terms like ‘maximum’. It should allow ESPN to actually show ESPNCricinfo content on their news feeds. The crowd will now be able to supersize their hot dogs. Wayne Parnell will have access to cheap drugs from Columbia.

The Aligned Confederacy of Non French Speaking African Nations (ACNFSAN)

It may come as a shock to you to learn that French is still a language spoken by others than just the French.

For some reason, most of them are in Western Africa.

No one really likes the French.

This is obviously because none of the French speaking countries play cricket very well, if at all.

South Africa, Kenya and Rhodesia qualify. As do Egypt and Libya. Algeria unfortunately misses out, as does The Congo and certain people from Djibouti.

These are mere minor inconveniences.

Sundries

What use is a cricketing scorecard if Sundries don’t have the opportunity to be the leading scorer?

This is where the left over nations can submit their applications for representation.

It’s like the Barbarians in Rugby or the English in cricket. Just a mismatch of random nationalities and passports.

Here we may find representatives from small potential markets like China, Russia and Japan.

Kim Jong-un will most likely be their President. Did you know that in his first ever game of cricket, he made 346* off only 17 balls?

Tournament Structure

The six teams will be split into one pool of six.

All teams will play each other twice.

The top 6 teams at the end of the pool stage will qualify for the Super Sixes.

All teams will play each other once in the Super Sixes stage.

The top 4 teams will qualify for the semi finals. If the top 4 teams do not comprise of IndoPakAfghaniLankaDesh, Great Britain and Northern Island, with special guest ‘the other Ireland’ and the ANZACs, then the lowest qualifier will make way for them.

The winner of the semi finals shall play in the final. If IndoPakAfghaniLankaDesh doesn’t qualify for the final, then the lowest placed qualifier in the final shall make way for them.

The winner of the final, played in T20 format, shall be announced as the winner of the 2019 World Cup.

If the winner is not Chennai Super Kings, then IndoPakAfghaniLankaDesh shall be named the winner.