Late again! Things are just too crazy here; I only have 6 days left in the US! EEEEEE, sweet home and sunshine here I come!

I weighed in Monday morning at 180 pounds (81.8kg). No, I don't know how the eff that happened either, but somehow I gained back those 4 pounds I had previously lost. Which means, for the first time ALL year, I gained weight. Over the holidays. I hate being a statistic.

Now, that should have well and truly depressed the shit outta me (esp. considering I can't complete Operation: NYE) but nope! I refuse to let my moods be violently swung around by the scales, at least at Christmas ;) And GUESS WHAT? I bought a really cute Tommy Hilfiger denim skirt (from ROSS, of course) for $25 and guess what size it was?

A 10! A freaking size 10! (12 AU) And it fit! It looks great! I'm officially in love with the skirt!

I suppose it could be called cheating because it's denim stretch, but I choose to ignore that and revel in my waist that's a good 6 inches (15.3cm) smaller than it was at the beginning of the year!

I'm not at goal yet and in fact, I'm not even halfway there but I am so freaking proud of myself! I'm proud that I STOPPED the downward spiral into obesity and i'm proud that I've lost 16% of my body weight in 11 months and I'm well and truly on my way to living a life I've always wanted to. I'm proud that I'm not going to stop here and I'm proud in anticipation completing the success trail that I began walking down in February this year!

And it feels damn good. I'd encourage all of the wonderful bloggers that I've become so attached to out there to take a moment before the end of 2004. Take a long moment to step back and have a look at how far you've come. Compound every time you turned down that Krispy Kreme, every moment you reached for a carrot stick instead of a chocolate bar or a bowl of fruit instead of a bowl of icecream. Think back to everytime you forced yourself to go for a run when you'd rather be dreaming in bed or every time you missed a good TV show to lift weights in the gym.

Stack all of those moments on top of each other and think about how far you've come and what you've gained (or inches/pounds lost!). I am so proud of all of you and you should be twice as proud of yourselves! Thank you for giving me a constant source of inspiration, information and motivation, without which I (and many others) wouldn't have come as far.

And on that note, herein lies my last post for 2004! I have short, precious time left with family in Seattle and then I'm travelling nonstop for over a week. When I land in Adelaide, I'll be busy catching up with friends and family so it could be a while until you hear from me again but I will definitely be back to finish the journey (and this time, on a budget... uhoh) sometime in January. 'Til then...

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers,
Wider freeways but narrow viewer points,
We spend more but have less,
We buy more but enjoy less,
We have bigger houses and smaller families,
More conveniences but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense,
More knowledge but less judgement,
More experts but yet more problems,
More medicine but less wellness,

Being so far from home this year, I've relied lots on News.com.au to keep me up on the latest news and happenings... I haven't seen any of Australian Idol 2 ('cept for a few photos of the finalists) but I stumbled across an article today about the winner Casey Donovan.

AUSTRALIAN Idol winner Casey Donovan has rejected advice that she should diet and give up her packet-a-day smoking habit...

The singer, who once admitted eating Cherry Ripes for breakfast, said she was happy with her shape and image.

"I would not respond at all if someone asked me to change my diet to suit my new pop star role. People voted for me for who I am, so I do not see why I should change," she said.

"People saw me when they voted for me. They knew what they were getting."

Cherry ripes for breakfast and pack-a-day smoking? She might be happy with her image and shape but what about her health?! I like that she is unwilling to change to "suit her new pop star role" but what about for HER? Does she not have enough self-respect to want to lead a healthier life, for Casey?

Not only that, but as the latest Australian Idol, she's undoubtedly a role model now and surely she knows that. So why the public flaunting of an unhealthy lifestyle?

I love Christmas music! It's possibly be favourite thing about "the holidays" as they call it over here; I don't think I've ever heard someone at home say "happy holidays" but in the US it seems to be rampant. If anyone's looking for some good Christmas music, I have to recommend the Maybe This Christmas series, though it may (or may not) appeal mostly to the younger demographic. My other favourites are Jewel's Joy and the Home Alone soundtrack.

But back to topic... some of you guys have pointed out that I shouldn't be too hard on myself, especially at this time of the year and I agree; I think generally nothing seems to be good enough for me in terms of this weight loss thing. I've lost 39 pounds this year, which means I'm almost halfway through and yet I look in the mirror and I feel fatter than ever. I try to be really positive but I'm just not very good at it sometimes. :P

It sucks that I have so little net time; I've been rushing around trying to get my blog fix from all of your entries and it feels good, even if I can't comment like I usually would. :)

I have no wisdom to dish out, seeing as I haven't been exercising and I'm eating crap... but for pumpkin fans (Nancy, that's you!) I tried out a WW recipe for Pumpkin Spice Cheesecake Bars and it tastes really good. At 3 points a piece, it's a great dessert and even the fussy 4 year-old likes it! So, here it is:

Instructions1. Preheat oven to 325ºF. Coat a 9 X 13-inch baking pan with cooking spray or line bottom of pan with parchment paper. Alternatively, you can use a 9 X 13-inch nonstick pan.

2. Grind graham crackers until fine in a food processor or place crackers in a resealable plastic bag and crush with rolling pin. Place crumbs in a small bowl.

3. Melt butter on stove top or in microwave and pour over graham cracker crumbs. Mix with a fork until completely moistened.

4. Press crumbs evenly into bottom of prepared pan and place in refrigerator while preparing pumpkin filling.

5. Place cream cheese in bowl of a mixer fitted with a paddle attachment or beat with an electric mixer until smooth. Add sugar and mix until incorporated.

6. Mix in 1 cup of sour cream until just combined and then add cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger and cloves. Add remaining sour cream and mix until just combined.

7. Slowly beat in each egg one at a time until incorporated, and then mix in pumpkin. (Note: For best results, all ingredients should be at room temperature and mixed as little as possible, until each ingredient is just combined.)

9. Bake until set at edges, about 30 minutes. (Note: The very center will be a little loose.) Cool completely and refrigerate overnight before cutting into 18 pieces and serving.

Aussies: I forget if it's possible to buy canned pumpkin there or not. You may have a little trouble finding it. If you're feeling adventurous, you could always bake a pumpkin and get it that way, but of course it adds on a lot of time and work. Likewise with graham crackers, unless they've started selling them since I left. You could probably substitute crushed Yo-Yos.

I took measurements today and it was pretty depressing to see that they've barely changed since November. Although December featured my plateau, which of course slowed things down. Is it bad to use one of those metal, retractable measuring tapes instead of the fabric ones? I know the measurements won't be entirely accurate but seeing as I've been using the same tape the whole way through...

Okay, slap me on the wrist for lateness. Explanation on its way! I weighed in Monday morning at 176 pounds (80.0kg), which is exactly the same as last week.

I was a little disappointed but hey -- I'll take a maintain over a gain any day of the week and twice on Sundays. ;) So, obviously my BMI stays the same and blahblahblah.

I've been more disappointed with how I've been acting lately though. Exercise is more of a challenge than it really should be, though I went walking today and I did yoga on the weekend. I must have set the weight too high last Wednesday because my shoulder has been in pain ever since and now I'm scared of the weight-lifting. I'm in a shocking sleep pattern, which means I'm tired, which means I'm a) more likely to eat crappy foods and b) less likely to want to exercise.

I'm moving out next year, moving interstate to Melbourne and I'm scared of what a tight budget will do to a girl! Eating healthy ain't cheap but I've made a solemn promise to myself that I will NOT go back to the days of scoffing McDonald's fries every day. I refuse to be sucked back in to that fatty world of fat.

Here are my weekly goals below. The level of difficulty reflects the mode I'm in right now!

Water8 glasses a day! Minimum. I really haven't succeeded in making this part of my routine yet. I can do if I really think about it but I want it to be reflex, routine...

I have really limited access to the computer at the moment and it's making me pissy!! Previous suspicions that I'm addicted to the Internet are probably well-founded and looking at this list, I think maybe a break from the Net will do me good.

Ok, so most of you know by now that I'm an Aussie girl in the States and I'm extra excited to say I'll be touching down on the Adelaide tarmac on Jan 6th, 2005! Ahhh, it feels so close and I guess it is. I only have 12 days left in Seattle with my family and it terrifies me just a little. It's such a mixed bag; excitement because I'm going home, sadness because I'm leaving what is my second home, fear because next year is the virtual unknown for me, apprehension because I'll be seeing friends and family that I haven't seen since I lost 40 pounds and I want them to notice... the list goes on.

But yeah, you can expect far fewer updates over the past month or so. I'll be busy hitting Toronto, London and Singapore in my way home to Adelaide and when I get home it's going to be one big tornado of "catching up". I can't wait. :)

P.S. If anyone has spent New Year's Eve in London before, please email me or comment!

We did a bit of yoga in Year 12 as part of our recreation program and I can't say I enjoyed it all that much. I think I even fell asleep during it one time!

But my muscles were aching like nothing else this morning and I couldn't face kickboxing so I dragged out Mum's yoga DVD featuring Rodney Yee and Suzanne someone. I had a choice out of abs, lower body or upper body and my arms/shoulders were just killing me so I went with the abs workout. It lasted 22 minutes and I thought it was actually pretty cool! My spine was definitely thanking me afterwards; I can't remember the last time my back felt this good.

It's just that if I finish a "workout" and don't sweat at the end of it, I feel like it's not really a workout. Utter crap, of course, but that's how it is for me. But I figure this short yoga routine would be the perfect, light, exercise in the mornings before I eat breakfast to kickstart to metabolism! It's not too demanding and I think I could drag myself out of bed for something this relaxing. So I'll test it out tomorrow :)

Can I just say how much I love the Internet?! I'm planning my trip home to Australia through Toronto, London and Singapore in that order. I know nothing about Singapore so I went to the BUG forums and emailed about 6 users who were listed as being located in Singapore. That was yesterday and today I've received email back from every single one with really helpful advice on what I can do in Singapore and where the best places are to stay. I even got 2 offers from people to show me around!

In a similar vein, weight loss bloggers have been more help than I could ever have imagined. Not only is it incredibly helpful to read about how others are doing it, the support and encouragment is invaluable. The advice? Even better. I really believe I wouldn't be in the same place now with my weight loss if I hadn't kept this blog and read all of the wonderful blogs in my blogroll.

Moving along... yesterday I read about the thrift-shop-happy Nancy buying clothes ahead that are too small and it reminded me of a size 12 US (AU 14) skirt that I spotted on sale for $12 down from $35 the other day that could do up but was just that little bit too small to wear out. I put it back on the rack but today I went back to the store and said what the hell! I bought it and it now sits in my closet that I open every morning as a reminder of what I'm looking forward to -- a smaller waistline! I can't wait to have it fit me perfectly :)

I just feel so good about myself this week. It would be easy to say it's the loss that I FINALLY saw on the scale, but I think it's something more than that. I actually feel lighter and more energetic. I went for my hour long walk with the dog on Monday and he tired out before I did! Muahaha. Super woman! ;)

Today I completed the whole session of Ramp It Up for the first time in 2 or 3 weeks and while my muscles are complaining to me as I type, I feel so much better for it. I didn't realise that I had actually missed doing the 7 minute abs section at the end. It hurts like hell of course, but it's the best kind of pain! To me, it's just my stomach screaming as it gets flushed down the drain. ;) It's not completely gone yet, of course, but I feel like with every oblique crunch, it shrinks just a little. At the start of the year I could literally only do like 3 sit-ups and I only made it through a minute of the abs routine. Now I'm making it the whole way through and I only stop once -- during the bicycle crunches when it still hurts too much!

So there I am feeling all awesome about myself (as I should, by golly!) when today I got a nasty flashback of how I used to feel all the time. A bit of background: I've been volunteering with Food Lifeline, a wonderful hunger prevention organisation in Western Washington, since February this year and today was my last day. It was really sad and really hit home for me how close I am to, well, going home. Anyway, the lovely people that I've been working with all year threw me a mini surprise party with a giant cookie with my name on it and sparkling juice and a card and ahh, it was so sweet. But of course, I had to make the dreaded speech. I made it a quick one, but as I was standing up there at the front of the room with about 20 pairs of eyes on me, I couldn't help but feel this stinging rush of fear and apprehension. Fear that I looked too fat in these clothes or that everyone was thinking how huge I was. Which is CRAZY talk! And I think the fact that I recognised it's crazy is half the battle. But what really scared me is that I might not ever feel good enough, no mater how much weight I lose. Clearly, acceptance is an issue for me. I have no idea why it should be; I've always had great friends in high school and while primary school had a few little bumps, there's nothing that explains this feeling like I'm not good enough. I find that I crave the approval of even those people that I don't even like! I can think someone is irritating or bitchy or self-righteous and still find myself wanting them to like me.

I guess while I've been focusing on the physical betterment (ie. lose 80 pounds), I've overlooked the mental or emotional side.