Monday, December 07, 2009

i just went pffttthhhh a couple days ago. Just blah. No writing for days. i just drained my brain or something and could not for the life of me even see my characters

i am writing right now, as always about......

Life On My Knees,

Forever it is a beautiful idea, a wonderful goal, but it’s not a magic spell.Forever.. it sounds nice, It’s the kind of promise we want to make to the ones we love. It’s the kind of promise we make with shining eyes and optimistic hearts.It a beautiful idea, a wonderful goal, but it’s NOT a magic spell. Simply saying the word doesn’t make the relationship or the happiness last until the end of time.What is needed is a concentration of energy into any relationship and the achieving of shared goals.

We loved each other deeply and we keep working at our relationship.Anything worth having is worth the effort. i have faith in our ability to work through any difficulties, we might have now or in the future and maintain the quality of relationship we enjoyed.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

What would you do, if you could do anything? Indulge your wildest fantasies. You can do anything.

Are not these the kind of phrases that send shivers up the spine of everyone who Doms? The moment when You know i yield to You is when You surely feel Yourself change, become charged with power.

Will i do anything? Would you? There are lots of things i think about, some of them taboo. The reality contains much giving. Do i need an element of service to not to feel guilty, i forget to write about these times, about the joy of being in Your arms.

I know often my submitting is driven by You having to notice what i see as my need for it; i want You to bring clarity, authority, certainty; even strength. If You are Mastering me just from my desire alone, will it still do those things? What if we're pursuing some kind of activity that's all about what i want with only the odd reward for You? Is that even right? i don't know where to look for answers but, It might be, something about the love we share and the passion, how we fuel each other's desire relentlessly.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

On some days, my health issues rob me of the capacity to feel happiness, but so far i have never lost the ability to feel gratitude and love. We're very fortunate to have a deep and abiding love that is utterly unconditional.

So, for the past few years, being in charge of a "broken" slave, having to make difficult decisions about how to interact with me. Trying to keep the D/s dynamic we both need alive while not inadvertently creating any more problems.We have had to communicate more openly than ever, although some of the time, trying to sort out my own thoughts or to know how to say what i need hasn't been easy.

Through it all, Master has been wonderful at just being here and loving me. No matter what. i could not possibly ask for more.

Fortunately most of the time, i am an awesome slave and partner. i am loving, loyal, caring, passionate, bright, and expressive. my inability to serve as one might expect decreases my value as slave. But i'm a package deal, and my Master took me -- all of me, even the broken bits.

Right now, We take things one day at a time, i'm doing my best to be the slave Master deserves.I have accomplished some a lot of things in life despite my disability. i have sometimes lost hope, but i have always found it again. And now, for the first time, I'm not in this alone,i am a part of something bright and vibrant and i want to enjoy, bask in that for a long time to come. Thank You Master, i love you more than i did yesterday, But not as much as i shall tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

You know sometimes it is hard to sit down and write about things Its even harder to maintain a M/s relationship all the time. i think this is where the whole 24/7 argument comes in. Some believe you have to maintain the outward appearance of the M/s dynamic at all times, to me that's just not realistic. i will argue with Master get snotty and sarcastic, maybe even appear to be telling him what to do, but i also know when to back off (well usually sometimes i don't and then i get that real strict tone that reminds me to tone it down). Does this not make me a "real" slave. Who knows and really who cares. Master and i are the ones in this relationship and our definitions are what run it, not anyone else's.I've always said that i think the M/s dynamic is more of a mind thing. Its how you feel. i don't need a physical collar around my neck 24/7(even though i dowear one) to know that i belong to Master. Apart, together it doesn't matter there is a connection. There were times where we were not in each other's pockets, but even then there is an undeniable bond that placed me at His feet. i know that sounds strange and is hard for most people to understand because we live in a judgemental society. i can't explain it, not sure i want to, or feel the need to. Its just the way it is for us.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

I had an inappropriate emotional reaction last night. i am really embarrassed about it, but i will reflect on my behaviour and explain my thought processes to Master.This was where i mouthed off at Him. He was, i know thoroughly perplexed by my reaction, slave apologies, most humbly Sir.

In retrospect, i know i overreacted, but for sake of explanation here are the reasons why this incident upset me so much.i was annoyed by Master’s offering his time, idea, even knowledge to someone else.My first thoughts was how he had 'no right' to do that; to offer what He has to exclude me, i felt devalued, embarrassed now by my reaction and extremely sorrowful.

It took me most of the night to regain my composure and evaluate the situation. i was upset at the time, but i later realised that i was overreacting.

i have trouble obeying orders when they don’t align with my desires. However, i do realize that being an owned woman, means doing what Master wants. It’s easy when his commands give me gratification from a task; it’s harder when its uncomfortable or inconvenient.However, as a submissive, i should not be allowed or assume that i can pick and chose what i want to obey. Belonging to him means doing whatever he wants, even if I’m not thrilled about it.

Beyond this, i should be and i am, thrilled to serve him and obey him. Master is very good to me, and makes a lot of sacrifices and compromises for me. Even without the D/s dynamic, just within the context of a loving, relationship, i should be giving back to him with an open heart. i love him and want to please him, but to do that i must stop being self-centered and think more about serving him.

Alongside anger, i was upset by the fact that Master was seeming to prefer others company to mine. Prior to this dummy throwing on my part, i was sitting by his side. as i always do, i wasn’t interrupting his conversation, or being a nuisance. And yet, despite the team practice we have always maintained, He choose to do thing which i felt excluded me. Being in a particularly needy mood, this really upset me(not an excuses for my behaviour i realise now).

Later, when i looked at the situation from Master’s point of views, i realized once again that i was in the wrong, i was in a very selfish mood and wanted to stay close to Master but i should have actually been happy that Master was doing something He loves to do, and sat quiet—like a polite, well-mannered girl—instead i had a paddy. i was so focused on my need to cling to Master that my basic etiquette disappeared.

Anyway, i got over this one just by thinking about my place in our dynamics. i have to remember that there is a reason why Master and i get along so well; and it’s because we have similar core beliefs. i have to remember that the reason why i’m still submitting to him is because i trust him to make good decisions for us and to act in our best interests. And it is in neither of our best interests for us to not fully agree where we take every aspect of our lives together.While Master’s action made me upset and frustrated, he was not in the wrong. It was me who was being hypersensitive and inconsiderate. i love him for not getting too upset at me, for trying to reason out my reaction, for wanting to make things better, for setting the task which prompted this writing. Although i realise that it isn’t "Who am i" in any normal context, but i hope it is acceptable in a similar vain.

i’m not scared of Master. but i am scared that he’ll be upset with me, that he’ll get tired of me. i’m scared of negative reactions for things i do, or forget to do. i know he can punish me and will if He feels it is warranted, i do not fear this. But i do not fear him as a person. Now, i obey him for completely different reasons than i did at the beginning--because i respect and care for him. In him, i have the companionship and laughter and friendship and balance that i lacked and badly needed.i love Master so much that my heart pounds just thinking of him. i willingly serve him.

Now, if he were to hurt me, out of correction or simply for his pleasure, i would want nothing more than to crawl into his arms afterwards. i don't want to run away. i don't and can’t resent him, not now that i see that he so good for me. Ironically, these days, he is not so quick to hurt me. Sometimes i wonder why. Perhaps it is because he recognizes my need to please him. Perhaps he realises that my slip-ups come from moments of humanity and forgetfulness and not from disrespect or a desire to test him. Or i believe it is because He care for me in the same way i care for him; past that superficial level of exploring something new and interesting.. Perhaps, he comes to like me not just because i am submissive, but because of "who i am" in conjunction with the submission.

Whatever the reasons, in answer to “who am i” , i am my Masters slave, willing to submit to Him in all ways, to acknowledge my imperfections and attempt to correct those to please Him better.

i am happier than i have ever been before. He is Master, to be obeyed, In the beginning,i was unsure and would slip-up a lot, now i should have no excuses. But i do acknowledge that i am far from the perfect slave and that every day is a challenge to not slip up ; to not forget my position in our dynamics.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

i've missed a few blogs this last week, so i am wondering if i would be able to be successful with this lifestyle if i were not regularly writing. i’m writing for my blog right now, if i wasn’t i could be writing in a journal. i could be writing just for myself, or to share thoughts with Master. i’m not sure if i would have the same drive to write as often if i didn’t have the blog.

I love my blog. it’s opened my heart and mind up in ways that i am not always sure what to think at times. i’m thankful for that but also it can be overwhelming. Often my posts will come from the extremes of my emotions. it’s freeing and scary and enjoyable and frustrating all at the same time. Not every time, but sometimes. i mean that writing for the blog has opened me up, the difficult thing is that it forces me to remain open (if i want to write meaningfully).and makes me look at myself, my life honestly.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

If anyone asked me whether i would do "anything" my Master ordered me to. And the answer is yes, within reason.Yes, unfortunately, reason does have to come into it. In my opinion, any submissive/slave who checks her brain in at the door is setting herself up for some serious damage. So, with that in mind...My Master and i do have a safe word. the bottom line is there needs to be a safe word in effect at all times, for all activities.That said, it's not something i would use lightly. In fact, since we've have had the safe word i haven't needed to use it once. i don't believe safe words are for getting the sub out of things he/she doesn't "feel" like doing. i believe they are for getting the sub out of the way of serious harm. So, if my Master ordered me to go with someone and my only reason for reluctance was not quite finding that person attractive, to me, that would not be reason to safe out.On the other hand, if he ordered me to put me and our health at risk, i would say that safe word loud and clear. Also, if he wanted to leave me in the hands of someone i thought might be abusive, i would safe out.i guess that's why it's called a "safe" word. Its purpose is not to keep the sub from uncomfortable or difficult situations, but to keep the sub safe from true harm.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

i know that i have moments of crankiness, and i can get mouthy, lippy, but i know i will end up staring at his chest because i was too afraid to look up and see what expression he will be wearing on his face.

He will likely asks questions in soft and tender tones—if i am okay, why am i crying—and i will answer with head nods when i can, and silence when i cannot find the words to explain. but i know i want him to hold me to my duties and remind me of my place i need that, i need to know that if a decision is made that it will be followed up on, today, tomorrow, next week, next month. i want him to be strict with me, and put me in my place, and hit me when i’m bad, and hit me even when i’m not, and shut me up when i whine. i want him use me. i want him to be the one to make me cry. i want to be on my knees. He is a my Master, the love of my life, and he deserves nothing less from His slave,and as His slave i'll do everything and anything he wants, serving Him endlessly.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I would definitely say Master and i have those underlying feelings -- deep, abiding respect and unconditional caring for one another. If our relationship had to stand on those feelings alone, it could. But what a tremendous joy it is to have not only those feelings, but also to feel the same thrill now that i felt when i used to read my Master's words in chat, when i first heard his voice on the phone, when he said good night and good morning to me so many days from 300 miles away, when with incredible excitement we clasped hands for the first time , when i first looked into his eyes and saw the man rather than a photograph, when i first felt our bodies come together, skin to skin, my breasts brushing the hair on his chest, when i first felt the smack of his palm upon myarse, and when he claimed me as His.

I'm not going to write on and on and theorize about why our feelings are so deliciously strong and still growing.i will only say that to those who have not yet experienced such things:

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Yes i have rules/protocols or whatever you want to call it .. to follow. BUT when i look at them... a lot of them are more or less common courtesies - like telling Sir i am home safe and sound if i go out. That makes me feel cared for and watched over.. for me that is not a bad thing. Example..... Sir has me text message Him when i get home and when i go out.......... yeah yeah i could conceivably text Him from anywhere and how would He know....... but ya see.. i don't lie..... simple as that. it is rather nice to know that Sir is watching for the text to say i am home..

Some folks only do BDSM in kinky ways...... they don't do it 24/7 .. they don't do vanilla mixed with BDSM ... in other words they separate the two and keep them separated..... Sir and i tried that.. it didn't really work... it was all or nothing for us.

So having a safe word .. or the right to say "nah i don't wanna do that" does exist in my world. AND i have to say........we have tried BDSM part time.. we have tried vanilla full time.. and i much prefer having someone else make 90% of the decisions .......... yeah i said 90% .. because truthfully Sir does allow me a fair amount of room.......... He will ask what i think about something.. be it BDSM or a vanilla thing.. and i tell Him what i think (knowing me .. do you honestly think i wouldn't speak my mind??!!) BUT then He has the final say...... and whether i like it or not.. i go along with it.. because ya know what?? it saves a whole lot of time in arguing and fussing and feeling bitchy. (ok ok acting bitchy! cause i can do that very well too!)

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Occasionally, cruising around the blog world, i come across a photo that I know Master will definitely appreciate. i right click it,save image as...., and on the blog it goes. i wish. hmm.. maybe a long time ago. cant turn back time unfortunately

Thursday, September 24, 2009

i read blogs of others who profess their bodily faults. So many women unhappy with so many aspects of their bodies. The majority of these i didn’t understand. My response is always the same as many others would be. “You don’t like what? Wow I’d love to look like that. You must be crazy”

I understand that kind of crazy and i am so impressed with how bold some women are who t put up and pointed out their faults.

So consider this my fault post.

Main ones here, breasts that sag a little too much, Quote"When we met nipple were up there, now they are down there" and belly that seen gain and loss and gain again and gain oh for those far off days of youth, and what once was.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

i have this need.. this burning need inside me .. i may not be able to explain it - especially to vanilla folks.. but i can identify the need. It is for pain. i am a masochist. It is that simple.

Over time i have identified i love to serve. i have learned there are other ways of inflicting what i crave (not just through spankings/whippings and floggings)

Over time i have learned the protocols that please Master. (they are not the same protocols that would please another but they are what please MY Master and that is all that is important to me.

i've learned the saying "To thine own self be true" and that is so appropriate for this lifestyle. You have to be YOU.. not some doll that is bent and molded to suit another's tastes. You have to feel it (whatever the IT is for you) inside.......... and then follow your instincts. Yes there will be some bending and molding and shaping so that you and Your Dom fit .. like puzzle pieces......... but just like puzzle pieces you can't just jam two pieces together and hope it fits..It really is that simple.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Master has never made any outrageous requests of me and--quite the opposite--has supported me and encouraged me to be well-rounded, and happy. I’m so, so grateful to have someone so caring and understanding looking after me; I’m so, so, so thankful and happy that he is my Master.

In fact, he is so good to me that sometimes i worry that i am not doing the best i can for him. i don’t want to be constantly needy. i want to fulfill Master’s desires, and serve him well and be the girl he needs and wants me to be. And I can only hope that he will tell me when he needs more from me, so that he doesn’t end up resenting me for being too much work.

Monday, September 07, 2009

There are people who are blessed with a talent for writing.... the words flow and create pictures and deep emotions and wonderment, i on the other hand do not write flowing descriptive literature. i write like i talk... which is why i use all those dots in my writing... i rarely stop to take a breath .. (Ask Sir) i usually managed to butcher some old expression.. Shrug.. But the words flow as they will from my warped mind. Outside of this medium.. (blog writing that is) i tend to be blunt.. short and to the point -i have no patience for whiners or pity Anyway......... all of these words are really to just say two things......

ONE – Sir.. I love You, from the very bottom of my soul

andTWO........ (Damn i can't remember what two was!!) i guess i must have run out of WORDS. (and breath)

Monday, August 31, 2009

Being open and honest at all times seems easy enough, right? But in any other type of relationship how much openness and honesty was really there? Because most of the time we Think we are doing this with each other but there is always something lurking around that you couldn’t - or wouldn’t - tell the other for the fear of backlash.

i learned that by not being completely open and honest with Master i am in essence taking away an aspect of control from Him. If i’m not telling Him my thoughts then i am essentially holding back a part of me and not giving Him my whole self. So that if i have thoughts and fears and worries and anxiety - no matter how minor or major - i try to tell Him immediately. i still hold back but only because inside my own head my thoughts and fears seemed trivial and do i really need to bother Him with stuff like that, but is it my decision to even think i know what He wants or needs to know with regard to how im thinking. My overall well being is His concern so He needs to know all about my physical, mental and emotional balance at all times.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Master's very good about not keeping me "in-the-loop" with things . If i don't know what the plan is, true i can't build up any expectations. If i don't have any expectations, i can't be disappointed. If i'm not disappointed, i don't head off into Master's gone vanilla/hates me/doesn't want me anymore/ thinks i'm a fat cow/ territory but i need to know, im a worrier, and have an over active imagination, and because this is so, i can create in a matter of hours this huge black hole that just eats away from inside outwards. Truth, so tell me, id rather know then i can at least adjust to the consequences of the reality. a black hole is so powerful that nothing, including light can escape its pull. The black hole has a one-way surface, into which objects can fall, but out of which nothing can come, reflecting nothing, i need the light, i need to know where im at all the time, i need to feel that control, good or bad, so tell me. nothing is so bad if i know.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

i’m a good slave. Good enough that He doesn’t have to micromanage me. And i have a lot more “freedoms” under His hand than most might because of how i carry myself most of the time.(occassional i'll err, but no ones pefect) But it’s also why i feel like i’m flapping in the breezes sometimes…waiting for somebody to take hold of my sails and turn me into the wind so that i go the right direction instead of just drifting. He grabs the sails when He has to; and the control is there, just under the surface. i just don’t always feel it or see it.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

i could give a complicated explanation, but what would be gained by that?

The child ... there in every urge to stomp my foot. Whether i actually do, or just mimic the motion by jerking my leg without ever taking my foot from the ground. i can even stomp my foot in bed ...

a sudden, controlled release of stress.There when I've stayed up too late, and want to be tucked softly into bed. And there when i don't want to go to bed yet or i have to wake too early (hence the perfection of the foot stomp in bed!)

There when I'm too tired to answer questions, too needy to make decisions or even make sense and frustration is threatening to overwhelm me.There in every playful, silly moment. When i want to giggle a lot, or need to just be silly ...

She is there in each moment that i want to be taken care of, in a hundred different ways, for whatever reasons. She is there ... that child part of me, and she is welcome. i may only have recognized her as i began to explore and understand the 'needy' part of me, but that in no way tarnishes or diminishes her importance.She is there, living comfortably alongside the woman i am, unafraid, because i have learned to let that child inside me be. i've learned that i am a physically, mentally and emotionally strong woman. Capable of much more than i ever thought possible, and she is part of all of that.

.A huge part of the peace i feel surrounding this child in me. One small part of a wonderful whole.

i used to worry that this part of me was somehow a ... repercussion of/to the D/s needs i was exploring ... a cause perhaps. Something missing ... something missed as a child. Something ... unnatural.

But ... no worries!i may still sometimes wonder about her, but there is no shame. When i give in to that part of me, i don't give up any of the responsibility of my life, or let down those that depend on me. Somehow, her presence better enables me to be all that i am in every part of my life ... to live up to the things i feel matter the most ...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

i have often been called a "perfect" slave, which, to me, means that i give it my all, not that i never screw up.i have given Master power in exchange for freedom, but even that seeming inequality is less dramatic than it appears on the surface. We do not have equal power, but we have equal value as human beings. and we know, that when the times comes to pull out all the stops and be there for the other, in whatever capacity the situation demands, we can always count on the other.He worries about pleasing me, often ignoring his best instincts, and as a result, leaves us both dissatisfied, because i cannot be satisfied if he is not.When he follows his instincts, and behaves as a compelling, leader. He commands respect and deference from me, and in receiving them, he feels loved and valued.

But the point is, both our lives have been greatly enriched by behaving towards each other in ways that may seem silly to an outsider, but absolutely natural to us both.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

i know how much you want to hold the woman who wants you to make love to her. To take her in your arms knowing that it is just the start of the journey and the eventual destination is wet and wanton and wicked.

You want to feel her press her breasts into your chest, run her hands over your body, demonstrate her desire for you. Her lips soft and warm against your face. Her tongue wrapping around yours and burying itself deep inside your mouth. Hear her breathing quicken as your fingers find her nipples and squeeze. You want to rip her clothes off and have her return the favour. Feel her naked flesh against yours, her arms around your neck, hard nipples thrusting into your chest, thighs gripped around your waist, cunt opening for you, soft and slick against your belly. Wanting, lusting, begging for you... i hope sir

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Very rarely does Master order me.He has a tendency to ask and say please, i smile. He knows i know though. i knows that a request from Him, is absolutely an order.

Forgetting to do something that is requested, or ignoring it, or being bratty about it doesn’t get an immediate reprimand or punishment. It will usually get a grin, a little laugh, but it should always be remembered and in time, dealt with.

i enjoy it that way. i like Master to whisper that He remembers into my ear when we are out in public.. i like the look in his eye when He reminds me of an earlier request. i like the way He makes me flinch the tiniest bit when He tell me Hes not pleased in some way.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I am up to my eyeballs in rest. i have no other choice because of my physical limitations these days, i just need to feel normal or as normal as possible.my lack of patience is probably why i walk around frustrated most days. i walk around half the time not sure of what i want and need to be happy only to realize that what i thought would pacify me, doesn't. i grow bored quickly.

I found myself thinking about what i really want, and i don't know that i have a firm plan just yet. i don't know what the future holds, but i hope it contains much happiness, love, adventure, passion, kink, spanking, and security!! i need live to in the moment for now ;-) .......

Thursday, June 04, 2009

i am a slaveThis is who i am. This makes me happy. This is right for me.I'm not going to stop my submission or even put it on hold.i have been having doubts of whether submission really works in this day and age, i've been trying to work through those doubts, but they're my own and on a completely different level to every day life. i don't want to lose my understanding of my submission, i want to return to that place where, i don't doubt, i so want to go there.

i know who i love, who i submit to and how i want to love Him, submit to Him, just hope we can met on the same page of the same book.>

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

There are times where i think myself inside a box. The box is cushioned and clean, and it’s painted white inside. i think it means that i feel im, going no where, no beginning , no end, just a huge spiral, like one of those images( optical illusion) that go on endlessly never reaching a destination or pinnacle.I haven’t explored my submission much recently; instead, it has become the subject of memory and fantasy. Don’t misunderstand me — it’s not that i’ve stopped being submissive or wanting that in my life. i guess you can’t be a true submissive without vulnerability though. and sometimes i feel soo venerable, and i get hurt.All i know is that it's easy to climb back into my pretty white box, pull my security blanket right up over my head. and wrap myself in a no care, no worry cushion, because sometimes the hurt is to painful.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Society is divided into two groups, the "haves" and the "have-nots."If we dwell on the halve nots life becomes a never ending struggle. If you think life is a struggle you will always be struggling, If you think life is a breeze your attitudes and actions will convey lightness and ease.. And that's what attracts everything you need, and much more. Make life a breeze not a battle. sounds like common sense to me.

Friday, May 01, 2009

When i slip out of submissive space, i feel afraid. i don’t know for sure who is in control. For all the years of my first marriage, i was the leader, and i didn’t want to be. i took the lead because my ex husband couldn't. It wore me out, because it’s just not the way i was designed.i was designed to be someone’s loving slave.When i stay in submissive space, i do not worry. i trust my Master to be in control. This frees my mind and heart so that my basic nature, shines through. Most of the time, if i act bitchy, it’s because I’m afraid of something. If I’m not afraid, there’s no need to be a bitch. It’s really as simple as that.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Life completely got screwed up this week. i dislike when things are out of control. Funny coming from a girl who claims to be submissive, but i like order.I've been distant for a bit due to imaginary issues i felt i was having. Hopefully, everything is sorted now. im done putting myself back together and smoothing down the frayed ends. i pushed and provoked and back talked my way right into what i deserved. Spoiled little girl stomping her feet and demanding to have it her way. My hands on my hips, the glare in my eye. No sugar coating my sass with a smile.So i may need a moment to regain my balance and to collect myself, i am most definitely am not down for the count. i always want more. There's no keeping a good girl down.Give me.... Please SirTake from me..Its all Yours anyway

Thursday, April 09, 2009

im going through a stage analyzing everything about our relationship and the activities we engage in.i know that there are probably no answers and i have no doubt in a few days i will get over it. Its not about having doubts, im happy and secure, i love You very much and i know that You love me, its more me needing an explanation of what makes me enjoy what i do and i suppose fear as well.

What i do know is that in many ways i have it good as a slave compared to some, and i think at times i have a tendency to take this for granted, i read an intresting article about "false entiltilement" which occurs when a slave begins to see "things" or situations as her "right" an example could be expressing an opinion or eating dinner, are these "rights" or are they privilages? You do allow me to express myself, i have this blog for example and i am quite verbal at times especially if i have a strong opinion about something. When i do give an opinion it should be given in a respectful manner of course. I know that at times im not as respectful as i should be, sometimesYou will pick up on this and other times not, but You could should You want to take away my "right" to an opinion because it could be said that as a slave my opinion is not important, its a privilage and as such can be removed. As for beginning eating im meant to ask permission (when we are together), i very rarely do unless reminded and have taken it for granted that You would never refuse, so again this is not a "right" that i am entitled too.The point im getting to is i think im at a point where i feel i need You to be more controlling and to follow that through constitantly, on the other hand i am also aware that for You, life pressure may take the place of pleasure ones and Your mind can be so full of real life preasure that my need are rather mundane in the greater scheme of things

Saturday, April 04, 2009

i often remind myself that while i assume he expects perfection, Sir also accepts that i make mistakes from time to time. i tend to be harder on myself when i do mess up than he is on me. So much so that i wonder why in the heck he is taking it so easy on me. A time when i need to remind myself that it is not my place to punish myself. That i need to accept what is being said or done to address the issues by him and let it go..

Thursday, April 02, 2009

I don’t claim that this journey called life, is always enjoyable. Like any great adventures it is filled with highs and lows, joys and sorrows, tears of misery and bliss. Often there is a feeling of such love that you feel you may burst, or longing so great that you’re so convinced you may die of heartache.

I ask if you can think of the deepest love you can imagine, a love so great that you’d do anything at all to keep that person happy, to always feel your love for them and to never let them forget it; For that is what it means to be a slave to my MasterBy, God help me, I’ll not give it up for anything.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

i sit here and wonder if i am enough to retain the heart of the man who love and adore me, hopefully forever. The man i will forever call Master to my heart, body, and soul.Deep down inside i know that i do all i need to , but i also know there's more and as such i shall continue to improve my abilities to please, there are always things to learn , to improve, no one is ever perfect.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

So many wear collar's just to wear it. And hey it is their right but it also make me annoyed because i know about earning the right to wear a collar. To be owned. To serve and please my Master. And i guess i feel it "lessens" the meaning of it. For many to see those who play at it. But when you are owned and collared there is a pride of wearing that collar and serving your Master. And because Joanna Blogs thinks it looks good with an outfit and wears it i think lessens the meaning to those looking in.So now the next question is what does it matter if what anyone thinks as long as you know it.

Well, it diminishes the views for anyone new coming into the scene and those looking in from the outside. They see Joanna Blogs wearing one and might assume she owned and collared when she is not in the deeper sense of the meaning. Maybe they see a slave who is owned but Joanna Blogs was not owned so they hit on that slave.....it makes for confusion in our D/s community. That confusion creates a lack of respect toward legitimate collars.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

i think the slave part of my relationship and identity with Master will always be the stronger over the wife part and is the one which primarily guides my actions. The M/s is what our relationship is built on - Luckily i don't see Master ever deciding to turn vanilla, so that shouldn't be an issue, i really can't imagine interacting with Him on a vanilla level as equals.i see my role as one of being subservient to, dependent on, and taking care of my husband/Master, who is very much the head of the household. He makes all the decisions, He controls the money, That's how i'd like it to be.Old-fashioned housewife is how i would be vanilla style if the slave part was no more. but i think ill stick to what we have thank you.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

i've always felt better in the 'support'/submissive role. Leading stresses me out to be honest. i excel under good leadershipi've find myself in my vulnerability, my submission, my 'support' role. i'm happier when i'm not feeling the pressure to be unnaturally aggressive. i prefer soft and yielding and always have. i've had to puffed myself up sometimes to be 'lil miss aggressive bitch'. Slowly (it's a process let me tell you) letting go of that lets me feel free and Earthy. i feel peaceful, i know who i am.im the girl that wants to make sure my significant other is as comfortable as can be. i want to provide him with intelligent conversation; i want to stimulate him. i want him to ravish me without a seconds notice; i want to inspire that animalisitc lust. i want him to discipline me when i need it. I want to not fear being weak and vulnerable to him.i have a man I can look up to and rely upon for honest communication. i want him to laugh with me and cuddle and talk total nonsense. i want to be the warm, soft, and amusing character he can relax with. This is how i show my love - obedience, emotion, my drive to please.

In tune to myself. Helpless? Only to the respectable man I've promised to obey....my Master

Thursday, March 12, 2009

i realise now that i need to worry less about the future and more about what i am doing now, today, at this moment in order to progress forward. Because as soon as one goal is achieved, there's always another to strive for, and that will carry on forever, as there's no such thing as the perfect slave who can do everything and cannot improve in a single way. There's always some new skill to learn, something i can get better in, something to practice and make progress in.

So i'm actually feeling kind of relieved now that i've come to this realisation, because even if i do make mistakes or 'fail' or muck up, there's always tomorrow when i can try again. As long as i do my best, i should keep moving along the path that’s set, and that's all we can ever asked for, and Master's walking right beside me, discovering and exploring and learning too :) Which i think is much more special and enjoyable than an end-point which you can reach but never progress beyond.

The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds. ~Will Durant.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Pleasing Him is what i am... Time flies by so quickly!so many things we want to do, and where's the time?i think that as every day, week and month passes, the relationship that He and i share grow's stronger. i don't know if He realizes this, but it just seems that i feel more connected with Him. i find that now i just go with the flow.He makes me feel loved and wanted, He makes me feel special, He makes me feel good..slave to my Master..

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what i am when i am with you." Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

My nose is red and swollen and painful. My throat hurts. My sinuses are plugged and running at the same time. Snot drips from my nose and i sneeze a hundred times a day. My neck hurts. My head feels like it weighs a couple hundred pounds.

It just sucks. A lot.

And it’s really hard to be the least bit graceful in service when you’re feeling like shi*.

And, of course, i don’t get any real “break” because i’m sick. not that i want one. cold /flu is no reason to give up/in. but it really hit me how the whole service mentality goes out the window when i’m feeling crappy.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

How can someone be "the perfect sub"? After all, what a Dom wants in a sub varies from person to person, as does the way in which a sub serves. But I think we can all agree on a few basic issues:

-A good sub obeys her Dom (yes, it's SSC, but still, you follow orders)-A good sub wants to please: Let's face it, if the sub doesn't want to please her Dom, what's the point? It won't be enjoyable for either party.-A good sub knows what she wants: This is tricky. It encompasses wanting to please your Dom, as well as knowing your limits and being comfortable with expressing them.-A good sub trusts her Dom and has proven herself trustworthy in return. There cannot be a mutually healthy relationship if there is no trust, especially in the context of D/s relationships.

Agreed? Ok, so now that we have the basics, how can someone be the perfect sub? In my opinion, this can happen in many different ways. It could be through consistently following Your orders, always being willing to please, or other expressions of continued service. But sometimes, there is one act that can make you realize that it is special. That is when you give of yourself,over your own wants, to please Him.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Its seems that Master and i aren't the only ones needing to take a step back from our D/s relationship and reassess how it is conducted.

It's a work in progress for everyone. Even those who have been at it for years. People change. Things change. And thus, the rules and such need to change in order to keep the flow going.

I'm not an expert, just my opinion.

Even if it was a "vanilla" relationship, things would need to change from time to time. But, just like a "vanilla" relationship a D/s relationship needs to be nurtured in order for it to grow.

i think that even though we enjoy, need and crave the D/s, we also need to remember to nurture the so called "vanilla" side of our relationship. Just because we like the irregularity of our relationship doesn't mean that we also don't need the romance or sweet things as well. Or maybe that's just me.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

i can't live without submitting. i can go months without having the opportunity or i becomes cranky and downright nasty after too long. i love Master for many reasons, most unrelated to my submission to him. But i do need it. i need his hands tangled in my hair and pulling me down. i need his entire claiming of me. i need him hurting me because it's the only way i can feel me, It's been too long. My brain goes into overdrive. i really like getting tied up. i also like getting tied down. In fact, show me some rope and i pretty much want it wrapped around me, in some configuration or other!In the strict definition, i don't have any fetishes ie: there is no thing or event that i must have present in order to be aroused. That said, i am attracted to and feel the appeal of many things. Among them are, bondage, and nipple torture/pain. These can help in my desire to reach a goal. Gagging is another. However, in my early day of D/s the gags available really put me of.. MG is not into watching me dribble so ball gags were out. As im a mouth breather, it was quite a problem in finding an appropriate gag that shut me up enough whilst allowing me to breathe. In the end i made one out of a new bath sponge, a stocking and a clip fastener, rolling the sponge into a tight tube , covering with a stocking mess and sewing the clip fastener to each end of the sponge tube which when inserted into mouth is soft, allows air to pass through it and is adjustable.. Works well for us, although is not used often these days, When my silence is required MG just says “shut it”, bondage can also be done rope less in our world. A don’t move suffices, but rope i love, when the time/situation allows.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Control is not one of my strengths.It is tremendously hard to deny myself the things that bring me pleasure. Even when what brings me pleasure is painful.Still i try. i keep thinking that desiring the greater goals will spur me on; will give me the mask of control and confidence that i need... to resist... Temptation.Yet it seems i am destined to endure self-denial. Desiring nothing so much as a few hours of play on soft sheets, my thoughts turn to other attainable satisfactions... cream... or even a silly nonsensical text that flutters my heart strings..instead i'll make do with a cup of tea. i must not let the desires i have which will not be fulfilled in the immediate moment, gain prominence, no point in focusing on what is not,but rather on what might be.Even better focus on what IS.....

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

i don't call my thoughts dirty...they are just thoughts....and can't do anything....but express. They have no shame..they just want to speak..and have a name.Here is what they are saying...on a cold early Tuesday morning....

i want to be taken

Usedhadpossessedheldcuddledcherished....so I can curl up in a ballat your feetsated..and at rest.....

Friday, January 30, 2009

No, i am not proud of my body---i am over weight. i do not find my body attractive in any manner. i have learned, over time, to be happy with it as it is at this moment. Actually, this realization came to me within the last couple of year. After all the rehab I’ve done, im about as good as im likely to get now and i can accept that along with age and filling out in places id rather not. i have more clothes than i could imagine. Those are appealing and look good on me. As for my underwear. MG insists i wear only thongs which at first i didn’t like but now im very comfortable in them. Bra’s . Mainly due to the difficult of putting then on, i tend not to wear one unless i am going out them i make the effort. ~My clothes are selected for ease of dressing, but when we go out MG still decides on what i will wear. And even if we are staying in He will tell me to dress in a particular manner which please Him, i have many fetish style outfits which i am comfortable to wear at home and out to a club, many Basques/corsets. Shoes im afraid now must be flat to afford me any chance of walking unaided. i do very much miss my heels as i know MG misses seeing me in them but practically heels are out now, another thing i have had to accept. So, for Master and for me i like to look nice..... For him most of all

Monday, January 19, 2009

I close my eyes… and reflect on us as a whole… who we are, what us means to me.. i have You in my heart… and i love You so much… the feeling in my heart.. is all about us.. to live, and learn..No matter what happens in my life or in Masters Life, we are bound together forever. Not by rope, or chains, or handcuffs, but with the love and compassion in our hearts.As Masters slave i can not explain enough or even describe into words the feelings He gives me.He is my life though, and i refuse to be without Him, ever….Whilst he watches over me and protects me always and forever.We’d have it no other way

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

The whole issue of being the "perfect slave" which does not exist, what does exist is being the best slave that you can be for your Master which of course means ones expectations may differ from the next and im certainly not that, i try hard but im a long way off. Other obviously seem to think i need some correcting, but as Master doesn’t, then im ok with that, as long as He is ok with my behaviour. The perfect slave how exactly is that proved........... by who can take the most cane strokes, etc? Or maybe its who behaves more appropriately. i don’t get, the obsession with "punishment”. To me punishment is given to correct unwanted behaviour, and generally something i wont like.i don’t and will never understand the “oh ive been naughty, Master will punish me” or the set up to fail attitude of some Doms. In being who i am, if i step out of line i would expect Master to tell me i have, i don’t appreciate another Dom who just because i may not reach His expectation of the perfect slave attempting to correct me, verbally or otherwise and when i don’t comply, throws His dummy out of the pram and storms off, oh well.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

In so many ways i am a lucky submissive to have a Master who gives me as much latitude as he does. My writing is my own. i can practice my craft in whatever medium i so choose. i am free to express opinions (within reason i suppose), he doesn’t outwardly control every aspect of my life. But yet every action has become one with him in mind. What i wear , . Hell even what i make for dinner each night, i think “Master will really enjoy having this tonight”. i can feel that centered grounding place. God i love that place. The “yes, this is where i’ve longed to be all day” place.Some who don’t understand the need to please and the need to serve would say that i’m losing who i am. The strong independent me who doesn’t take shit from anyone. To that i simply answer, being able to serve has only made me stronger in who i am. Having a Master whose convictions so closely match my own has given me more strength to be the woman i’ve always longed to be. i know that i please him, and that makes me stronger in everything that i do as an friend, sibling, mother. It also gives me the freedom to let go, surrender the control, put myself into his hands. There’s no greater feeling in the world for me than to know i’m serving, i’m pleasing, i’m loved, i’m used, i’m treasured. Yeah, it’s the best of everything, and I’m holding on tight.

blue blooded blogger

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i do not want !!

"i do not want to be the leader. i refuse to be the leader. i want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. i want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. i don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman i want to be dominated. i don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that i am capable of doing, but i am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding. "