Friday, February 15, 2013

USEFUL ADVICE FOR TOURISTS VISITING NEW YORK

To avoid getting ripped off by airport cab drivers, do not give the name of your hotel. Rather, give the cross street address. Then sit back and happily sigh, "It's good to be home!" When returning home, hail a cab while standing in front of an expensive-looking co-op. After giving the name of the airport to the driver, mutter, "I can't wait to get back next week."

That suggested $20 entrance fee charged by the Metropolitan Museum of Art is just that: a suggestion. Don't worry about getting a dirty look if you pay a buck. I'm used to it.

However, keeping that little M pin on your jacket after you leave doesn't make you look cool -- it makes you look like a tourist.

Feel free to take a photo of your friends and family in front of New York landmarks. Just don't expect us to walk around you.

Just because Mama Mia is in a theater on Broadway doesn't make ita Broadway show. And word on the street is that The Lion King goes downhill after the first act.

The characters you see on reruns of Friends couldn't afford those apartments. If you want realism, watch The Honeymooners.

Don't cross in the middle in the street. Leave that to the professionals.

Despite his demeanor, Mayor Bloomberg really does like New York. He just doesn't like New Yorkers. Nor, despite what the New York Post might have you believe, does he answer to the name "Bloomie."

For 50 bucks I'll show you where Al Roker lives. No kidding.

Don't believe the pseudo-hipsters -- Times Square is much better as a clean tourist destination than the asphalt bio-hazard it was pre-Giuliani. But for God's sakes, you're in New York -- stop patronizing Applebee's!

You know that restaurant you can't get a reservation for? You really can't.

No, you're not imagining things: there really is a Starbuck's and Chase Bank on every block.

I don't care if they're free -- there are better movies in town than those running at the Scientology centers. (And no matter what the movie is, it's always better at the Ziegfeld from the last row.)

Those "bagels" you buy in the frozen food section back home are actually very large donuts, and not very good ones, either. And unless you enjoy getting laughed at, please don't ask for a blueberry bagel.

Yes, that is Katie Holmes and her kid getting out of a cab. Now quit staring.

Any greasy spoon in town serves a better breakfast than your hotel and 90% cheaper.

However, they are not necessarily happy to serve you. This is New York, remember.

You want to get lunch from one of those street vendors? Go for it. Just make sure there's a bathroom close by.

If you're walking
through Central Park looking for the zoo, just go out to Fifth Avenue and keep walking south. I've lived here over 30 years and that's the
only way I can find it.

And while we're on the subject, no, I don't know why
all Asian couples get their wedding photo taken in Central Park.

Oh, that running track around the reservoir? It's for running! You wanna stroll, go find a sidewalk!