Those of you who frequent my blog directly (i.e., not via a feed reader) will have noticed that the sections telling you what I’m reading, what I’ve watched on DVD and what movies I’ve seen in the theater are missing. This is because sometime over the past three weeks my installation of MediaManager broke. Rather than spend time trying to fix it, I have simply removed that information from the site. The fact that only 1 person out of the world’s 6 billion have probably even noticed this change convinces me that my decision to save time and energy was the right one.

So you’re out in the park on a sunny day when, all of a sudden and with no expectation, the sky fills with clouds and a storm erupts. Thunder and lightning are all around you, and the rain is relentless. You see an oak grove and you run for cover. Bad idea! Apparently your friendly oak tree is sixteen times more likely to be hit by lightning than that beech tree twenty feet away. The reason for this is that the oak tree has a vertical root system which brings it closer to groundwater than a beech tree, which has a very expansive, horizontal root system.

By the way, if you’re a man, you are 4 times more likely to be struck by lightning than your female companions. So, with some simple math, we can calculate that if you’re a man under an oak tree you’re 64 times more likely to get hit by lightning than a woman under a beech tree. Good to know.

Think you can pay attention when a lot of things are going on around you? How aware are you, really? Here’s a video test that you can take online to see how aware you actually are. Make sure that you do this when you have about 60 seconds (one mintue) of undisturbed time, be certain that your computer speakers are turned on and pay very close attention. Post your YES or NO answer as a comment.

So, what do you want to do 3 hours after your wedding? How about make an appearance on a game show where you could win a million dollars? How about showing up in your wedding dress? So, here’s the deal. You’re a high school English teacher and a Magna Cum Laude graduate of Pepperdine University. Three hours ago, you got married and hopped in a limo which took you to… no, not a reception, the TV studio where you are a contestant on the TV show, “Are you Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” Your newlywed husband is sitting in the audience, cheering you on to the million dollars you need to go on your honeymoon.

Let me tell you, I seriously can’t believe that someone who graduated Magna Cum Laude from Pepperdine and teaches high school can be as dense as this woman was.

Her first question: How many adjectives are in the following sentence? On Thursday, Siena had cold lemonade and spicy food for lunch. WHAT? How many adjectives? Oh, I don’t know… seven, maybe? Or is it four? No wait, I really have no idea. What was our brilliant contestant’s response? “Well, cold has to be one and I think spicy is, so two adjective are in the sentence.” Wow! What an amazing intellect! The fact that it took her 40 seconds to answer is hardly impressive.

Question two: True or False? The sum of two odd numbers is always an even number? People, of course the answer to this question is TRUE. How can you not know that? Seriously. But, guess what, she didn’t. She almost messed up when she realized that 2+3=5 (which is odd), but then she decided to go with true because 1+3=4 (which is even). Wow, since when is 2 an odd number? I missed that universe altering change…

Question three: What is the name for a female pig? A. Vixen, B. Mare, C. Sow “I have a gut feeling the answer is C. Sow, but I’m not sure. But gotta go with my gut, so C. Sow.” Guess what, bridey bride, you’re right… but not because you’re all that smart. You graduated from college?

Question 4: The majority of the State of Nevada is located in which time zone? Uh oh! No options on this one… Wow. Guess what, she didn’t know the answer. Thankfully, one of the fifth graders on the show did, and she was able to cheat and get the correct answer: Pacific. Wow. Brilliant. Cheating off a 9 year old.

Question 5: How many centimeters are there in three and a half meters? “I teach in high school, but not math!” What? You’re a freaking ENGLISH TEACHER which means you know how to think about WORDS, which means that you should know that “cent” means HUNDRED! But you don’t know that! Instead, you have to cheat off your 9 year old again, and when you see that she wrote 350, you say, “I think that sounds about right… OK.” Do they purposely choose dumb college grades for this show?

Question 6: What Scottish scientist discovered penicillin in 1928? OK, I will be honest, I didn’t remember the answer to this question, so I can’t give our newly wed bride the hardest of times on this. Sadly, she had used up her two cheats already, so she didn’t have that option. What did she go with? “Alfred Prescott.” Well, NO, that’s wrong. The actual answer is “Alexander Flemming.” Thankfully, this show anticipates stupidity and since her 9 year old classmate had the right answer, she was “saved.”

Question 7: The Danube River is located on which continent? Come on! The beautiful blue Danube is in EUROPE! E-U-R-O-P-E. Not Africa, as the bride thought. Thankfully, rather than guess Africa like an idiot, she “dropped out of school” and took her $50,000 winnings.

I wasn’t aware that there were people who were really quite this unintelligent in the world. OK, so the science question was hard, but the others were easy as apple pie. What would your score have been?