99. Dizzy Chicken – by Monty

Yesterday, Chicken nearly knocked herself out. On my head. I was getting my unit ready for a walk, which necessitates putting leads on so we can attach ourselves to The Fairy to keep her safe. Chicken can’t control herself yet, so jumps up and down and very often hits The Fairy in the stomach. The Fairy throws the lead on the floor when this happens, and will only pick it up again when Chicken is standing still. Chicken knows this, but always goes through about five minutes of jumping and kicking anyway.

I, on the other hand, stand completely still with my head at the most convenient angle, as detailed in the indispensable 1996 volume How To Win Yourself A Home And Control Your Humans Once You’ve Got There. I am capable of jumping, and my head regularly reaches heights of more than six foot, but I never hit people so receive nothing but praise for my athletic ability. Chicken simply jumps about like a hyperactive grasshopper.

During the downward phase of one of these jumps, her lower jaw made contact with my skull. There really was no contest. She stopped abruptly and her little head swayed from side to side. The Fairy was very concerned and checked to see if she was injured, fearing that she may have bitten her tongue. Luckily, there didn’t seem to be any real damage, although she was very subdued for a few minutes. Just long enough to get the lead on easily, I might add.

On our walk, she was twittering away about Ugly Cat saying the rats were responsible for the illegal fracking. She said that Ugly Cat has an agreement with the rats, that they will go far away when I am given this information. She also reported that Ugly Cat is intending to cover my shed roof with rotten fish heads so that he can sit on it in comfort.

I think not.

As a registered military building, no unauthorised entry will be allowed. Not even on the roof. My shed will be protected by all the latest security features, including the most up to date wildlife detection alarm system available. In addition to this, there will be two guard dogs: myself, and dizzy Chicken.

Possibly needs work

Arky-Ollie-Just came over and issued a harsh assessment on the garden. He said that he had recently been at the site of an ancient settlement which had been abandoned 2000 years ago, and that their garden was in a better state than ours. He also insisted that the holes be filled in, before one of us falls into one and breaks our legs. I told him that I would never be so complacent as to fall into one of the holes, and that only an idiot would do so.

The Fairy fell into one whilst cutting the grass/mud. I will get onto it straight away.