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Hubby doubts me as I didn't bleed first time I had sex

Question: I had an arranged marriage and had a very awkward experience on our wedding night. I did not bleed when we had penetrative sex for the first time. I was a virgin but my husband thinks I might have had a physical relationship before marriage. I told him about the possibility that my hymen might have ruptured due to some reason in past but he thinks that happens only in the rarest of the rare cases. How should I explain that I was a virgin before marriage? Please help! By Anonymous.

Response by Rachana Awatramani: The hymen is a thin membrane at the vaginal opening. Unfortunately, a lot of people associates the condition of a hymen with sexual intercourse. It is also believed that when a woman has sex for the first time, the hymen breaks and it leads to bleeding. It is one of the most misunderstood parts of the human autonomy. You can also bleed during sex if there is less lubrication and not because the hymen broke! Actually, the membrane that makes up the hymen is stretchy, so most hymens that are considered broken are just stretched.

I understand that you are in a difficult position as your husband thinks you had an affair before marriage because you did not bleed while having sex on your wedding night. This is also because there is less awareness about sex and sexuality and less knowledge about the reasons a hymen can break besides the obvious. Some girls are even born without a hymen. It can also break due to physical activities like running, cycling, playing etc. Other reasons that can rupture a hymen include masturbation and use of tampons.

I would suggest you speak to your husband about the various ways a hymen can break and can also consider providing him with some facts from a doctor or a marriage/sex counsellor.

Ms Rachana Awatramani is a Counselling Psychologist in Mumbai

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