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January 6, 2011

I hate it when I fall up the stairs

Sometimes it's worse than falling down. And who knew you could get a goose egg on your knee bone? I'm sporting one now.

This week I've felt all sorts of emotions- good and bad- and I guess it's a change from being a bit too numb toward everything. It's just hard having thoughts and feelings when you're so connected digitally. I want to tweet something and then I erase it (thank goodness) or I hesitate with a hovering finger

blinking cursor

over a Facebook status and have so much to say but does it even have value or is it just noise? Does it even matter either way? Whatever happened to

sense of humor-

light hearted-

to easy going- fiery passion- rants to release?

Then all better.

I consider myself blessed and surrounded by awesome friends yet in the same breath I start to feel insecure and wonder why anyone would have me. And why does my inbox have an echo? And my mind starts to go there and then I feel so alone. It's so silly because it can't be true.

Can

it.

And then I make deals with myself and how I am going to change this or that and surely next time they'll see I'm worth hanging on to. I do that with strangers. With people I hardly know. And even with family.

And even myself.

And then I feel ashamed and embarrassed.

I was having fun about the whole million visits thing but it really doesn't mean a thing. I just happened to check my sitemeter one day when it read exactly 996,000 and I thought it would be really cool to catch it at 1,000,000.

Any other time and I probably would have not even thought of it. But it doesn't make me more or less of a blogger, it doesn't really stand for anything. And I never want to appear as someone that thinks you need a lot of visits to make you feel good or something. Look at me. I've been blogging for 5 years. You can't expect to have 1 million visits if you're new around here. And us blog dinosaurs can get perturbed when we hear new-ish people want the secrets or the short-cuts to what we've been doing all these years and then resent us for it if it doesn't happen to their blog right away. Sad, actually, you'd probably expect yourself to be much much farther along within five long years, right?

Just a thought. That I might-should've kept to myself.

Because I'm happy with all this (waves hand in the air, circle-like) for now. Aside from my aching honesty and awkward-ality.

Sometimes I share what would have been better left unsaid. But I don't know it until it's gone free.

Sometimes I wish to find my reflection in the words of someone else that has spilled a little bit too much, too.

Hey, I've been blogging even longer than you (by a couple of months, I think)and have a quarter of the hits -- whatever, it's about the connection with people.

I was just thinking today, about myself and my desperate NEED to be LIKED and APPROVED of. It can be off-putting in real life, I think.

Steph, I was so moved at how eager you were to help when I first contacted you about keto. You will always be super-mom in my books, no matter how honest you are about your flaws (which are totally my flaws, too).

You better stop it right this instant. You had every right to mention the million hit, it was/is awesomesauce. You work really hard at all of this, blogging and life, I don't know how you do it. AND you are great at it. You were one of the very first blogs I ever read and it made a difference in the way I look at every thing. I love reading what you write and I am proud of you.

so raw....so honest....it's why I love reading your blog. You are a brave and courageous woman.And I think it's why you have 1 million + hits. Congratulations.And also, if I lived in the same city as you....I think we would be friends. :)

It's when you trip on a crack in the sidewalk (or, no crack at all, but turn your heel in your Danskos) and feel that heat rush to your face, and you look around to see who saw you. It usually happens right when you're feeling especially cute, or together, or better than someone else.

And the metaphorical/digital/communicative trips in the sidewalk are even worse. (Of course, I don't see what you talk about in this post as worthy at all of embarrasment, but if you're like me, that assurance doesn't help much -- you're the one that might have felt heat to your face).

Every once in a while, I'm thankful for (not just embarrased by) those checks. Otherwise, what would graciously limit me from becoming the most arrogant, self-concerned, unsympathetic person on this planet?

I think you have 1 million hits because of how honest and real your blog is. You sound a lot like me. Which is why I love reading your blog. And, sometimes, yes we should be careful at how much information we really put out there, but when you do and people can relate to you or the situation then it can make what you thought was a mistake into something more. You can't keep everything bottled inside. No one should expect anyone to be happy and humorous all of the time. It's ok to have bad days. Just know that you have a lot of supporters. 1 million hits or not. :)

I get this so completely. I am really struggling right now about what I want my blog to be. I want to really share, then I do, and I go scrambling to delete what has already been given. I sometimes wish I was just writing to an anonymous blog world, and that my close friends and every person I know wasn't reading it. Most of me just wants to go there, but then there is that self doubt that creeps in.

oh, yes. the part that struck me was "i make deals with myself and how i'm going to change." i struggle with this too. thinking if i change i will be more loved. really silly. isn't? you are so loved and so am i.

thanks for your honesty on here i can tell it came straight from the heart without edits.

It's so true... about letting things go free that should stay locked up in their cage sometimes. It's why I closed my Facebook account, just too easy to rant and rave - things I didn't need to do because the ranting and raving would have temporarily helped me feel better but could have hurt me exceedingly in the long run. Sometimes life just isn't fun, especially when you fall up the stairs with an armful of books as a freshman in a new high school in the middle of the school year - been there done that!

I don't comment often, but I read every post you write - I love your writing, your heart.

You are honestly one of the most awesome people I know...and I think a lot of other people feel just like I do. :-)

Your blog is awesome, and one of my VERY favorite things about you is that you DO share things that maybe should have not been said...and then you reflect on them with gentle meditation and gratefulness for life.

You are also a wonderful person and friend, that I feel VERY lucky to know.

I have those same feelings. Many times about my real life friends and how I wonder sometimes if I disappeared *poof* in a minute, they'd even notice. And if they secretly wish I WOULD. Occasionally it feels like I'm the only one holding on, and to let go would mean a slip into the abyss of loneliness and valuelessness. And in life, marriage, too. I can't write about it because I never know a) who will stop by my blog and read it and b) how crazy pathetic I'll seem which would lead to an exascerbation of the condition, be it real or imagined. And blogging? Well, 4 or 5 comments a day is this tiny little sliver of what I used to get. And the 4 or 5 comments from people who read and enjoy should make me so happy, but I'm a quantifier. "How many" often fails me when I should be focused on "How dear."

You've honestly shared so many spot-on and lovely summaries of my own thoughts lately, Steph. I've always held you in such high-regard, but the more honest you've gotten, the more my admiration has turned to connection and understanding. What life proves, more than anything, as I get older, is that my deepest feelings, the ones I'd almost never share, are living in the hearts of others, and I am not alone. And you aren't alone, either! Not a bad revelation at all. xo

I'm a chronic over-sharer and it has led to many awkward moments. But it is worth it for those moments when you share something that makes me feel completely alone and awkward with the right person and they look at me and say "Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Me too." and I know they mean it. (I've fallen up the stairs twice since Thanksgiving because I bought slippers that are a size too big, my knees hate me)

Blogging is such a weird thing really.I mean, we blog for ourselves right? But then I found myself blogging for other people.. hiding what I really felt.So I closed down my mildly well read blog for one that gets 1/3 of the comments because I don't share it with as many people.And even that's come back to bite me in the ass when I shared a feeling yesterday that was truly sincere.When do we stop making everyone else happy and just say what's really in our hearts? And for the record, I think you're really wonderful.

I get all of this post. Although I am insecure about contacting people, that when I email them I am just being pushy and if they really wanted to be my friend that they would email me, but what if they are waiting on the other end of the line wondering the same thing.

I am happy that you have this space here and that you share your heart.

This just makes me want to give you a squeeze. That goose-egg will vanish before you know it.(And for the record, I lived in Lafayette, IN-- we may have some mutual friends though: Lovelyn Palm? Amy Focosi?)

I resonate with so much of this. Lately, I've spent more time off-line than at the computer. It feels good and healthy and right. But then I think about "disappearing" in the blog/FB/Twitter loop, and I get twitchy. Which makes me wonder: Why do I care so much? I don't get my validation from the Internet.

Hey friend. I think I'm missing pieces of this story, but i can tell you I'm with ZDub above. You were one of the first blogs I found and started reading, and when I'm so busy that I'm down to checking only a couple of blogs a couple of times a week, yours is always one of those. True story.

I love your honesty, and say what you want to say. There will always be negative, resentful people and really, their issues have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Ok... Except for the blogging part, totally there and why is it that so many agree with those feeling you've shared and then worry it's an overshare? Is it a product of this life, one we want so hard to be authentic, gets sideswiped by the noise that is created by other outlets?

I wrote recently that I don't like new years resolutions, but maybe a period for reflection is something worth doing. To make sure all the noise that is created, doesn't matter by whom, is what our true self is hearing? Or our we listening to our worth, seeing ourselves threw the eyes of those that love us, through the eyes of the Lord.

One of the Prov 31 daily email devotionals struck me the other day, about living a life more solitary, and why sometimes when you crave solitude the most God hands you family and friends and kids and co-workers..... The list goes on. Maybe it's to make sure we see our worth through and with them, instead of being left to the solitude of out thoughts.

Hugs, Steph and thank you for sharing and validating. I hope your knee feels better soon.

I love this post. I feel much the same way about a lot of it. But I would have never pegged you as insecure about people. I think I think other people are always so confident, which makes *me* less confident.

I hope you put ice on that goose egg. Plus falling up the stairs is slightly better than falling down the stairs. You know with your birthday coming up within hours you should remember that unless we practice we have less balance when we age. Of course to me 34 is really young. Happy Birthday!!

Heh. Funny thing is, I was just saying to my sister that this certain blogger I know (you) seems to attract people to her and probably always has. I wondered at the universe and how some people, no matter what type of medium they use, are people magnets. And, as usual, I am always trying to come to terms with the fact that I am not a huge people magnet. I don't repel, per say, but I don't draw them in like you do.

You put out good energy, Steph and people are drawn to you. No matter what mood you're in. ;)

I love coming over here. It always feels like someone is speaking my language.

There's a million more things I could say, but I don't want to leave a whole long novel about my own emotions. Suffice it to say that your blog is a nice spot to land when I'm feeling misunderstood and in need of someone who just gets it.

Hi Steph! I woke up way too early this morning to nurse Hannah, and read this on my phone, then had a dream about it when I went back to bed. So I'm pretty sure that means a response is in order!

It reminded me of how people are hypnotized. Have you ever seen it happen to someone? Supposedly a huge body builder can be convinced that a pencil weighs 400 pounds and the body builder won't be able to pick it up. It turns out that the person is still exerting tons of power to pick up the weight, which is really a pencil. So why doesn't it fly off the table? Because there is an equal amount of pressure applied to resist the weight because the person is expecting that they can't do it and that it will be too heavy.

The only way to pick up the pencil is to release the resistance and believe that it can be done.

And to me, you're amazing and capable--much like the body builder. The more you recognize your amazing qualities, the more that you will see that you had all along.

I can't see anything wrong with feeling a sense of accomplishment with your blog. You work hard, share your heart and connect with people. What an awesome time that we live in that we can do that. Who cares about a little over-share from time to time? It happens to everyone in real life, so it's just normal that it happens online too.

Oh, Hunny. I find myself in the same spots. And then,I don't know when this started happening, but USUALLY when I find myself there, eventually, I feel like the one who created is whispering to me, "who are you, Sarah?" And the answer is always that I am His. The in-between (what anyone else thinks of me) doesn't matter compared to that. And I say that now, but so often I find myself feeling the same way you wrote about here. Also? I heard it's your birthday. You know what I think? You are a gift to this world, and your life? Is God's gift to you. I hope you have an awesome day (week, month) celebrating that. Love, A New Reader