Open up a can of whoop-ass

For those of you who have been living under a rock (or in the great, frozen north) and don’t know what that means, the Iron Bowl is the die-hard football rivalry game between the University of Alabama and Auburn University, and it will be played today. Since 1893, once a year (except for a little time off for bad behavior between 1907 and 1948), these two titans of college football have met on the gridiron to duke it out for a year’s worth of bragging rights.

When you move to Alabama one of the first things you are likely to be asked is who you “go for.” It usually comes right after “who are your people” and right before “where is your church home.” It’s a big deal. You’re expected to take sides.

Some people move here and bring their loyalties to other Southeastern Conference (SEC) teams. We understand loyalty, but you should still pick a side. And for the love of all that is crimson and white or orange and blue, don’t even dream of saying that you don’t watch football. You might as well say you don’t love Jesus.

We bleed college football. And that’s why just about everywhere you go, no matter if it’s football season or not, you’ll hear graduates and fans of both schools verbally duke it out for a year’s worth of bragging rights. So in honor of this Iron Bowl Saturday, here are a few things you might hear them say:

Alabama is going to beat Auburn like a drum.

Auburn is going to beat Alabama like a rented mule.

Alabama is going to beat the socks off of Auburn this year.

Auburn is going to beat the tar out of Alabama.

Alabama is going to lay the smackdown on Auburn.

Auburn might win, but it’s a long shot with a limb in the way.

Alabama is going to be on Auburn like white on rice.

Auburn’s bringing a knife to a gunfight.

Alabama is going to beat Auburn’s brains out.

Auburn is going to beat Alabama nine ways to Sunday.

Alabama is going to open up a can of whoop-ass on Auburn.

Crimson Tide or War Eagle — whatever your rallying cry — you can rest assured that if your team emerges victorious, you’ll be as happy as a dead pig in the sunshine. And if you’re on the losing side, well, we know you’ll feel lower than whale shit at the bottom of the ocean. But keep a stiff upper lip, there’s always next year.