The Shortcut to True Interpersonal Excellence

What Does Judaism Think

Friday, December 22. 2017

From the beginning of the Bible until the latter half of the book of Exodus, the main focus is in the realm of interpersonal relationships. It is interesting that no society was punished, no city destroyed, no worldwide flood brought on account of idolatry. Every Divine punishment was brought as a result of failed interpersonal relationships.

So we see that this aspect of our lives is important. A fascinating window, and a clue to a quick fix for all interpersonal problems, can be gleaned from the story of Joseph and his brothers.

Joseph seems to repeat the judgment error of his father with regards to his brother, Benjamin. After he has identified himself to the brothers, he sends them back to the land of Canaan to bring Jacob to Egypt. As departing gifts, he gives them all jackets. Benjamin, however, gets five jackets! He also gets 300 coins, something that his brothers did not get. Joseph is clearly favoring Benjamin, despite the chance that, once again, the brothers will be jealous and perhaps try to harm him on their way back to the land of Canaan. Why do it? He saw what happened to himself when his father did, hasn't he learned?

He has absolutely learned! In fact, Joseph makes one nuanced change in his treatment of Benjamin and the brothers: he also gives the other brothers jackets. When his father made his famous coat of many colors, he was the only recipient of any coat whatsoever. The brothers saw this as favoritism for Joseph at their own expense. It became him or them, and when the opportunity arose, they chose them.

Joseph, however, sends a very different message. You are all of worth, you all deserve jackets. Benjamin has a special role to fulfill, so therefore he gets five jackets and 300 pieces of money. It's not to denigrate or diminish you, it simply to recognize him as having a special role for all of our benefit. This, it seems, was Joseph's message all the time. When he originally chose to tell the brothers his dreams, it was not to make them feel small, but to make them recognize that his father's treatment of him was for the general good.

This, however, gives us a powerful insight into Joseph's psychology. It has been pointed out that the reconciliation of Joseph and his brothers remained incomplete until the end. Joseph never said to them, "You hurt me, and I need you to apologize." Instead, he reassured him that everything that they did was part of God's plan, "do not let this bother you." As a result, the brothers could not apologize, since Joseph was absolving them of any guilt. Why would he do that?

Within a family, there are two main types of relationships: 1. Brother to brother, and, 2. Parent to child. The first relationship involves a feeling of "us." The brothers are all in it together, they identify with each other. They may fight, they may share, but they all feel a connection of commonality. The second relationship is more of a "you" relationship. The parent is above, in a teacher-guidance counselor role. Parents rarely feel insulted by their children, because their love is immune to that. Siblings, on the other hand, take everything deeply personally.

I believe that Joseph, whether consciously or subconsciously, was terrified of the emotional minefield of brotherhood. It makes sense! After having been sold by your brothers to be a slave, you'd be traumatized too. We all have emotional coping mechanisms, and I believe that Joseph chose the parental relationship model as his. Indeed, Joseph uses the word itself when he tells the brothers that God "has made me like a father to Pharaoh."

Now things make sense. A parent will try to comfort a child, not seek comfort from the child. Joseph comforts his brothers, he tells them not to worry or feel guilty. He does not request comfort, or, in this case, apologies, from them. He puts himself above, not among, his brothers.

It is a coping mechanism, but it is not the ideal. In truth, perhaps Joseph would have been better to attempt to cross that emotional minefield, and discover the joy of true brotherhood on the other side. Instead, he stayed beside, or above, the field.

The shortcut to interpersonal excellence is this concept of brotherhood. In Israel, there are two magic words that can defuse almost any situation. When I have found myself in an argument with an Israeli, and feel the heat rising in me, that Israeli may use two words that change everything: "Ach sheli, my brother." I immediately feel that heat disappear, without even consciously processing it. There is something tremendously powerful about seeing oneself as together with someone else.

A parent is a wonderful thing, giving us comfort and guidance. Trying to be a parent, however, to our brothers, entails risks. First of all, parents can sometimes judge, and even punish, their children. We should never do this with our brothers. Second of all, there is a division between a parent and the child, which is necessary in that relationship, but toxic in a sibling relationship. Brothers must be together. If we use the phrase "my brother" more often, and view all others (except our parents!) as brothers, we will become real pros in interpersonal relationships