I normally scoff at this kind of thing, but Laura posted the answers to these questions, and while reading them I started thinking about how blogs end up painting this picture of you. Whether you want them to or not, really. And how that picture is something I want to encourage (or rather, have some control over, in so much as that is possible). So, for better or worse, click more to read my hundred-or-so questions:

Are you an innie or an outie? Innie. Interesting tidbit, Laura collects bellybutton lint… she keeps it in a jar, by our bed.

Have you ever worn bell-bottoms? Yes, I had two or three pair that I loved in about 11th grade. One was plaid.

Have you ever written a song? Yes, at least twenty of them. At one point I was very serious about it. Then I taught my brother to play 3 chords on my guitar, and his songs were five thousand times better than mine, with (seemingly) far less effort. I focus on poetry now, and hardly ever use ryme. John’s songs continue to be really f’n good, and he just let me burn a copy of the last 5 or 6 he’d recorded on this 4 track I gave him last x-mas. I seriously hope he pursues music professionally. Right now he’s starting to get paid for his visual art, which is, of course, also good, but I feel he should focus on his music.

Can you make change for a dollar right now? I doubt it.

Have you ever been in the opposite sex’s bathroom? Oh yes. Fun stuff.

Have you ever smelled your own feet? Probably. When I used to not shower as often.

Do you like ketchup on or beside your french fries? I like it for dipping, yes. Better are hot mcdonnalds fries dipped in their vanilla shakes.

Can you touch your tongue to your nose? No, but I can wiggle my nostrils.

Have you ever been a boy/girl scout? Oh yes. Where I first played truth or dare! I had the nickname “spider”. I’m not exactly sure how that got started, but I think it may have been because I liked to climb (and hang from) trees. [oh yes, nate reminded me that I used to wear this spiderman facemask in the winter… I do remember that it was warm.]

Have you ever broken a mirror? I can’t remember, honestly. I seem to recall wondering at some point if there was any truth to the superstition, so probably. As a kid I was not so much highly superstitious, as I was highly agnostic. Ie, who knows if there’s any truth to that one… best not to find out. On the other hand, I remember walking to school and intentionally stepping from crack to crack, to disprove that one. I did it so much that it’s become a habit. I still find myself doing it without even thinking about it sometimes. And my mom’s back is still in healthy condition.

Have you ever put your tongue on a frozen pole? Laura implied that anybody who does this is dumb… and maybe I was… but there was this older kid at my bus stop who convinced me it wasn’t true. Or maybe I didn’t think it was true, and he was telling me to do it and find out… I can’t remember exactly. I do remember pulling my tongue from the pole when the bus pulled up so I wouldn’t miss it, and then wrapping the bloody thing in gauze from the first aid kit they kept on the bus. I bled the entire way to school.

What is your biggest pet peeve? There are lots of them, no doubt, but just today I had someone arguing with me, and when I asked her why she felt the way she did, her answer was that “It’s just wrong. It just is.” That kind of lack-of-reasoning will seriously piss me off. I had to leave the conversation.

Do you slurp your drink after its gone? I am careful to do so only once. Especially in the movie theater.

Have you ever blown bubbles in your milk? Of course.

Would you rather eat a Big Mac or a Whopper? That’s tough. For years I didn’t like big macs, but now that I do, I think I like them quite a bit more than whoppers, which are really just what a plain hamburger should be.

Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? Many times. I can’t even remember the first time. Despite this relative frequency, however, I have never had sex while mostly submerged in water. Bathtubs do not count.

When you are at the grocery store, do you ask for paper or plastic? Paper, always. I realize that plastic is also recyclable, (and I should really switch), but there is something or some part of me, in the back of my brain, that refuses to allow that it’s better.

True or False: You would rather eat steak than pizza. False. Large hunks of meat have always turned me off. Especially if there is any chance of bone or gristle still connected. At KFC I would only eat the chicken sandwiches. Of course, now I’m at least 90% vegetarian, and I won’t eat most anything at KFC.

Did you have a baby blanket? Yes, and I really wish I knew where it went to. It was baby blue, and had holes all over it, so you could pull one corner through the holes in the other corner, and make a cape out of it. I do sometimes think about it, especially now that we sleep with Laura’s. (Like every night. Don’t let her fool you by the word occasionally.)

Have you ever tried to cut your own hair? I shave my head regularly. Before that, I hardly ever let anyone near it with a scissors. About every other year I would let me aunt trim the split ends.

Have you ever sleepwalked? Not that I know of.

Have you ever had a birthday party at McDonalds? I don’t think so. I have fond memories of the ones other kids got to have at chuckie cheese, however.

Can you flip your eye-lids up? Yup, and I relish teaching little kids to do it. I once taught my 5-year-old cousin to hold his eyelids so he could roll his eyes all the way white. So cute!

Are you double jointed? Nope. Some part of me wishes I was.

If you could be any age, what would you be? I don’t know, do I get to remember everything that I know now? If so, I’d like to be 4 or 5, and start all over again. Not so much because I did anything wrong, or have regrets, but just to have the extra lifespan.

Have you ever gotten gum stuck in your hair? Who hasn’t? I think I slept with gum in my mouth a lot when I was a kid. I remember waking up with it stuck to my cheek more than once.

Have you ever thrown-up after a roller coaster ride? Not yet. As I grow older, I think I’ve been more and more queasy though. I enjoy them less too.

What is your dream car? For a long time I wanted an audi TT convertible, but now I don’t know what I’d want. Something really expensive I could trade for cash and an old junker.

Would you go swimming in shallow waters where, one year earlier, a shark had attacked a child? If there were lots of other people doing it, maybe. But I probably wouldn’t swim out very far.

How many cavities do you have? Well, I don’t know, but I’ve got at least one in every tooth beyond my canines.

Have you ever eaten a dog biscuit? I think I tried some at a party once when I was drunk. As I recall, I thought they were good, and ate several.

If you were in a car sinking in a lake, which would you do first: unbuckle your seat belt or open your window? It seems so obvious to unbuckle your seatbelt first, that I wonder if this is a trick question. It’s something I’ve thought about more than once, actually.

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? If I have, I don’t remember it.

Can you pick something up with your toes? If it’s small, yes.

How many remote controls do you have in your house? Lets see… a universal, DVD, VCR, PS2, x-box, Receiver, and one for each of the two TVs. Unless Nate’s got one for the TV in his room, that makes eight. But I have no idea where about a third of those are.

Have you ever fallen asleep in school? I used to fall asleep every day in my 11th grade sociology/psychology course. The teacher would regularly throw an eraser or crumpled up piece of paper at me, and then ask me a question about what he’d just been talking about. If I got it right, he would let me go back to sleep.

How many times have you flown in an airplane in the last year? Last x-mas Laura and I went to visit her parents in Florida. I think that’s the last time.

How many foreign countries have you visited? Only Canada and Mexico. My grandma and grandpa used to live on the southern border of texas, and the few times we visited them down there, we’d sometimes drive into mexico for a day. We never went far from the border. The only time I was in Canada, we were at a juggling convention in Niagara Falls, and one night we walked across the bridge to party on the “other side”. It hardly counts.

If you were out of shape, would you compete in a triathlon if you were somehow guaranteed to win a big, gaudy medal? Only if the big gaudy medal was worth lots of money.

Would you rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy? From one perspective, I already am pretty poor and happy. From another perspective, I’m pretty rich, and I do, occasionally, get quite depressed. Success is subjective.

If you fell into quicksand, would you try to swim or try to float? This is another one of those questions too stupid sounding to be real. I think I’d try to call for help.

Do you ask for directions when you are lost? Yes. I’m usually the one in the car clamoring to do so.

Have you ever had a Mexican jumping bean? No. But I’ve seen one once in a jar.

Are you more like Cinderella or Alice in Wonderland? Man, this question has a lot of potentially psychologically incriminating implications. Alice probably had more fun, but Cinderella got to live happily ever after (and fuck the handsome prince). Then again, the question is not which would you rather be, but which are you more like. Am I the oppressed and lonely, far-too-perfect one, or the rather stuck-up one who is being tricked and ridiculed in circumstances beyond her control? Then again, Cinderella has some pretty negative connotations in terms of girls who only think they’re perfect and oppressed. Either way I get to play with my own boobs!

Would you rather have an ant farm with no ants or a box of crayons with broken points? I’ll take the crayons. I’ve always liked drawing ants.

Do you prefer light or dark bread? I used to like wonder bread, but now I wonder how it’s legal for them to sell it.

Do you prefer scrambled or fried eggs? Fried. I think I like them over-easy. I always have to ask Laura which way means slimy yellow, but cooked white.

Have you ever been in a car that ran out of gas? Yes. Once or twice on long trips. I remember one time my dad had to walk like 2 or 3 miles each way, and we were in the car for at least two hours.

Do you talk in your sleep? I don’t think so. Apparently I am a light snorer.

Would you rather snovel show or mow the lawn? Shovel the snow. I love that feeling when you’re in the cold, but sweating from hard labor. There’s nothing quite like it.

Would you rather be bitten by a poisonous snake or constricted by a python? Bitten, for sure. There’s something about suffocating that has always made it my first pick on least-favorable ways to die. I think it has to do with how well I can very vividly imagine choking. It scares me.

Have you ever played in the rain? I have fond memories of the puddles that would form on the corners of our block at Roosevelt Street. I loved to run and jump in them. I remember at least once when I had this shitty bike, riding around the neighborhood bare-chested and wearing shorts through those puddles.

Which do you think is more dangerous: an angry bear or a hungry white shark? The shark has bigger teeth, but I have more bears in my immediate proximity. Then again, neither are as dangerous as my fifteen-minute commute every morning and afternoon.

Would you climb a very high tree to save a kitten? It depends on the cuteness of the kitten.

Can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? Probably not.

Do you drink pepsi or coke? I’m trying to cut back on sodas entirely. I do enjoy 7-up and green-apple schnapps, however.

Whats your favorite number? Numbers are numbers… I like to admire them from afar. I do have a whole book written about PI, however.

If you were a car, would you be an SUV or a sports car? I hate SUVs, but I don’t really appreciate/approve of sports cars either. I probably think of myself more as a sports car.

Have you ever accidentally taken something from a hotel? Yes, of course, “accidentally” every time it’s happened, I swear.

Would you blow your nose at the dinner table? Yup. Spicy food is GOOOOOD.

Have you ever slipped in the bathtub? Do you mean to ask, did I ever “drop the soap”? Not that I can remember, at least, not in the shower.

Do you use regular or deodorant soap? I use whatever Laura keeps stocked in the shower. I’m not really picky, but I don’t really like soaps that leave that sticky film on you. Then again, I hate when the water is too soft, and it feels like the soap doesn’t ever rinse off too. Maybe I am picky… and it just so happens that Laura is picky too.

Have you ever locked yourself out of the house? Yeah, like two weeks ago was (I think) the first time EVER. I’m usually really good about things like that. Someone was picking me up, and I just called my roommates on my cell phone, and left, hoping they’d be home when I got back.

Would you rather make your living as a singing cowboy or as one of the Simpsons voices? Wow, it would be so cool to do voices for the simpsons. This is like asking if you’d like to eat shit or ice cream.

If you could invite any movie star to your home for dinner, who would it be? I’m not really that star struck, but there are plenty I’d have over if I thought there was a chance they’d stay the night.

Have you ever made a semi truck honk? As a kid, sure, plenty of times. Never gotten a girl to flash me though. That’s always been one of my favorite highway fantasies. My grandpa got one of those horns that can play a song for his Winnebago. I liked the dukes of hazard one.

Which would you rather live with: a huge nose or crossed eyes? Probably the huge nose. People with crossed eyes always freak me out.

Would you hang out with someone your best friend didn’t like? Probably. He has plenty of friends I don’t particularly like.

Would you hang out with someone your best friend liked, but you didn’t like? I’m really trying to cut back on that.

Have you ever returned a gift? I don’t think so. I’ve gotten rid of them pretty fast before though.

Would you give someone else a gift that had been given to you? Isn’t that better than returning it? But I don’t give gifts unless I think the person I’m giving it to will like it.

If you could attend an Olympic Event, what would it be? Well, it’s just about as likely as my actually attending an Olympic event in the first place, so I’d like to see either Juggling or Unicycling in the Olympics. I’m 90% sure I’d go if those were actual events.

How many pairs of shoes do you own? Three or Four. I just threw one away a few days ago. Our front hall is a disaster, and I realized it was at least partly my fault!

Would you rather jump into a dumpster or into a vat of honey? Woah, another trick question! I’d rather jump into the honey if there was anybody else going to be jumping into it with me. But I’d rather jump into the dumpster alone. But only if it looked clean, and there was some chance of finding something exciting.

What is your favorite breed of dog? I pretty much despise all dogs. I love cats though!

Would you donate money to feed starving animals in the
winter? Hmmm. Probably not, but I might be persuaded to donate money so shelters didn’t have to put down the animals that aren’t adopted. On the other hand, I think that’s mostly the faults of the animal breeders. They should really be held accountable for all the animals they don’t find homes for.

If you were a bicycle, would you be a stingray or a mountain bike? WTF is a stingray? A google search for “stingray bike” produced this ebay auction. If I get to have her hold me, I’ll be a stingray any day!

What is your least favorite fruit? I’m quite partial to mangos. I have one on my desk right now!

What kind of fruit have you never had? I know there are some. But none that I can remember the names of.

If you won a $5,000 shopping spree to any store, which store would you pick? Either Amazon.com (they have everything!) or maybe best buy… I could spend 5K there without breaking a sweat.

What brand sports apparel do you wear the most? Boxer shorts. I wear them every day!

How many letters will/did I earn in my high school career? Ha! I didn’t even finish HS, much less letter in anything. I got my GED when I finally wanted to go back to college. (I’d already been there most of my HS senior year.)

Among your friends, who could you arm wrestle and beat? Um. This is a stupid question.

If you had to choose, what branch of the military would you be in? Hmmm… maybe the airforce, I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid. The airforce wasn’t out of the question until I was in 10th grade and started forming my current pacifist views.

Would you ever parachute out of a plane? Yes, it’s on my list to do before I die. I think it’d be especially fun with one of those glider things that perpetuates the flight, so it’s more than a minute or two.

What do you think is your best feature? I have a big butt, but I think some people like that. No, seriously, my cock.

If I were to win a grammy, what kind of music would it be for? First of all, who are you, and why can’t you ask me these questions in the same person? If you’re asking what kind of music would I win a grammy for… well, I think that’s about as likely as winning the lottery.

What is your favorite season? “When a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love.”

How many members do you have in your immediate family? 6. My parents had three boys and a girl. Interestingly, Laura is also the oldest, and her parents had three girls and a boy.

Which of the five senses is most important to you? I think probably my sight. I couldn’t read without it.

Would you be a more successful painter or singer? That’s a tough one. I have this theory about how people who are good at one are also good at the other. There are lots of musicians who also make quite credible art.

Have you ever ridden a tortoise? You mean other than the one that holds up the world?

How many years will/did you end up going to college? Like four and a half, or five and a half, depending on whether you include the year I went in HS.

Have you ever had surgery? I had my wisdom teeth removed, does that count?

Would you rather be a professional figure skater or professional football player? Figure skater, but I have no real desire to be either.

What do you like to collect? I collect puzzle video games, preferably the ones like tetris, sometimes called action-puzzle games. At first it was just for console systems (the ones like Nintendo that you plug into your TV), but I do have a small but growing collection on my PC. I also have quite the collection of audio CDs… over 800 at last count.