The Boss Baby: Back in Business (2018) s01e02 Episode Script

Cat's in the Cradle

1
Hold all my calls.
[giggling]
[music]
Boss Baby
I'm the boss, Boss Baby Boss boss,
Boss Baby, boss boss
- Boss Baby
- Watch a itty-bitty kid get large
I'm the big Boss Baby in charge
Stroller rolling
Up and down the boulevard
I'm the big Boss Baby in charge
- Boss Baby
- I run this house, I rule this crib
Change my diaper, son, where's my bib?
Don't pacify, you just got to pay me
- Who's in charge?
- Me, the Boss Baby
[panting]
- [gasps]
- [footsteps]
I got the baby.
- [sputters]
- [giggles]
- Aw, I almost had him. I call do-over.
- Should we play again?
- Again? Again?
- [giggles]
- [both] Get that baby!
- [giggles]
- [creaks]
- [laughs]
[gasps] Where'd he go?
Hah!
Wait. Seriously, where'd he go?
- Checkmate, Father.
- Get that ba
- No.
- Ow!
- What was that for?
- Templeton, when I allow Mommy and Daddy
to "get me," that's a choice.
It amuses me.
But don't think that means your lips
are touching this baby's six-pack.
Is that a challenge?
[chuckles]
- You think you can bag the tiger?
- Hyah!
[yells]
Agh!
- Huh?
- I am the ghost that haunts your dreams.
[screams]
- [growls]
- Ha! Can't get me.
Oh, over here. [laughs]
Whatcha gonna do?
Mom, Dad, the baby's in here.
[Mom] Oh-ho!
We're comin' for you!
Asking for help is a weakness, Templeton.
- I got the baby! [sputters]
- [giggles]
Timbo, comin' through with the closer.
One more round?
I really gotta get that baby.
I have to hit the office.
I'm not dressed.
I really shouldn't, but I will.
Game on!
[all shout] Get that baby!
[chuckles]
- [giggles]
- Hmm?
Ooh ah!
Oh, no! He vanished.
[gasps]
I've attained the power of invisibility!
[laughs] Eh?
- I got ugh! Come on!
- I got the baby!
- [sputters]
- [giggles]
I really have to check in
Okay, one more. Let's do this!
- [giggles]
- [sputters]
I got that baby! [laughs]
And let the trumpeters hail my triumph.
- [sputters]
- [giggles]
Strategy review. What's your job?
Wait 30 seconds so nobody's suspicious,
- then follow you out.
- And?
- Play it cool?
- [snaps fingers] You're beautiful, kid.
- [elevator bell rings]
- [alarm blaring]
[scoffs] He's finally here!
Snitches get stitches, Peg.
[blaring continues]
Wait, what happened?
Whee-oo-whee-oo!
Drama, drama, drama!
There's a critical threat to our company.
Boss Baby is our man in the field.
He's supposed to catch these things.
But where is he?
[gasps]
Where is Boss Baby?
- Oh, is he under here?
- [grunts]
Oh, peekaboo. What happened to Boss Baby?
[chuckles]
I think you know I'm right here.
Yes, but what happened to you?
If you're not doing your job,
you're not really the boss.
And if you're not the boss, well
you're just a baby.
- I was, uh, occupied.
- I got that baby!
[inhales, exhales]
[chuckles]
- This is you playing it cool?
- Mom says hugs are always cool.
Oh, it's flashing.
Look, I'm here now.
What's the critical threat?
- Magnus, break it down. Freestyle!
- [rhythmic beat playing]
Our surveillance team picked up
some disturbing animal chatter.
[beat continues]
This has been my freestyle.
- [CEO gasps]
- [walker squeaks]
That was ph-ph-phenomenal.
Love it.
"Disturbing animal chatter"? [chuckles]
You raised the threat level for that?
- Play it for me. I speak fluent dog.
- Zip! Rewind.
- Who said puppies?
- There was no canine implication.
- Broadcast that chatter!
- [clicks]
[recording of cats yowling
playing over speakers]
That's not possible. Kittens are cute,
but they always work alone.
What are they saying?
I don't speak cat. It's a filthy language.
Mostly profanity.
Triplets, you took that
correspondence course. Translate.
"Bootsy Calico."
[triplets chanting] "Bootsy Calico."
"Bootsy Calico."
- [yowling continues]
- Shut it off. Shut it off!
[yowling stops]
Who is Bootsy Calico?
So anyway, the fate of the company's
in your potato hands. Don't blow it.
Just kidding. Of course you will.
Look forward to firing you. Whassup?
- I
- That's a great story.
Oh, I'm getting pulled away.
See you later unless you die.
I'll send cheap flowers. Buh-buh-byes.
Your funeral arrangement
will be leaves and pine cones!
- Why is that other baby always yelling?
- I lost my inside voice in an accident!
- Thank you all for coming.
- I live here.
[scoffs]
I've asked Staci to cover background
on the new competition.
Thank you, sir.
See the baby? It is cute and huggable.
Everybody loves babies.
That's why we're number one.
But you see this puppy?
It just wants to be loved, too.
Does that make it the enemy? Yes.
And that is why we crushed Puppy Co.
- Yeah!
- Killing it, Staci.
This meeting is making me uncomfortable.
But at least puppies
were an enemy with honor.
See the kitten?
The only reason it wants your love
is so you'll let your guard down.
[screams]
Claws, bloodshed, anarchy and terror!
- The end of all things!
- [all gasp]
Thank you.
Why do we own that book?
All right, field team. We are now
in the information gathering business.
We need to know who Bootsy Calico is.
Jimbo, Staci, shake down the cat hangouts.
Koi ponds, alleys,
Yarn Ball Emporium on Seventh.
- I'm on it.
- Yes, boss.
I can ask Mom and Dad for help.
Do you really just let Mommy and Daddy
fix everything for you?
Yeah.
Gotta grow up some time.
Parents can't be there forever.
[Dad] Aw, poor little fella.
[Mom] He's like a cozy, shivering slipper.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
He was on our doorstep.
Must've gotten lost.
That's so weird.
A tag, but no address or owner?
- Just "Gaa-gaa"?
- Weird name for a cat.
[gasps] He's calling me out.
That name tag is written in baby.
- And? What is it? What's the cat's name?
- Bootsy Calico.
Meow.
Okay. The vet says he can find a home
in a few weeks.
In the meantime, he thinks it's a great
idea for us to foster our lost kitty.
- [Boss Baby sputters]
- Oh, of course.
We'll call him Little Nugget,
and we promise we won't get too attached.
Hey, for no reason,
do you guys have that vet's address?
Why are we going to the vet?
Think I can get him
- to foster that kitten somewhere else?
- Hmm? What?
Oh, no. I just want revenge.
- [thumps]
- Ow!
Vengeance!
Now, the only remaining question is,
why is this Bootsy Calico kitten
inside my house?
Answer: the classic
"cat's in the cradle" gambit.
Out with baby, in with kitty.
Little Bootsy's trying to replace me
in my own home.
[chuckles]
So you can't show up for work on time,
and you've got a kitty-kitty cat
taking your place at home?
You're not just not a boss.
You're not even a good baby.
[laughing]
So are you calling for help from a real
executive baby who hasn't gone soft?
Because I'm one of those.
No, I'm calling to set the table for how
breathtaking my victory will be later.
And to get the last word.
Jimbo.
- Last word!
- [Boss Baby groans]
Jimbo! You were supposed
to shut it off before
- [clicks]
- No, no. It doesn't help now.
[sighs] Doesn't matter. The task is set.
Mano a gato with a worthy adversary.
This is where the baby proves
he's still a boss.
[lapping]
You think you can come here in my home,
steal my love?
No, no, no, no. Not on my watch, kitty.
You're not kicking me out.
I'm kicking you out. Winner take all.
Whichever one of us steps out
of this house first, stays out. For good.
[Tim] What?
That is an insane contest!
Why would you even offer that?
- You don't think I can win?
- That's not what I'm saying.
[squeaking] Meow. Meow.
I can't tell if you're agreeing to terms
or swearing at me.
- Meow.
- I'll take it as a yes. Deal.
May the cutest baby win.
Jimbo, please stop petting the cat.
Sorry, boss.
How're you gonna get him kicked out
of the house?
I'm a baby, Staci.
And he's just a household pet.
I just give Mommy and Daddy a choice:
"Whom do you love more?"
- Meow.
- [Mom] Aw!
[Mom chuckling] Aw!
[giggles]
[coos, giggles]
You're both so cute.
I don't know who to hug first.
- [Dad] Same time.
- [parents] Mm!
- Aw.
- Meow.
- [howls]
- Baby, no!
Meow. Meow.
- [wails]
- Honey, the baby is jealous of the kitten.
That's so cute. Quick, take a picture.
[camera shutter clicks]
- Meow.
- [Boss Baby] He's better than I thought.
[Staci] This is how they get you.
Then, one night in your sleep
[mimics slicing]
I really think I should tell Mom and Dad.
Even if I wanted to,
that's a terrible idea.
Have I told you why Baby Corp
operates in secret?
The company ran some research trials
in Pittsburgh a few years back.
Showed a mommy and daddy the truth
about what Baby Corp does.
It snapped their brains
like the elastic waistband
of some dollar-store swim diaper.
- [babbling]
- [Tim] That's awful!
[Boss Baby] We found
them government jobs.
Easy paycheck. No brains required.
[chairman] Chair recognizes the senator
- from the great state of Pennsylvania.
- [babbling]
[audience clapping, cheering]
No running to Mommy and Daddy.
It's my rodeo.
Now, how do I get this cat kicked out
of my house?
- Ideas. Go.
- [giggles]
- Kitten.
- Not an idea. Staci.
What if you broke stuff
and blamed the cat?
Yes. That's the A-game we need.
Gold star for Staci.
In fairness, the cat thought of it first.
- Meow.
- [crashes]
- Timmy! What was that?
- Nothing, Mom.
- Meow.
- [gasps]
[crashing]
- Meow. Meow.
- [Boss Baby yelps]
- [grunts]
- [gasps]
- [Dad] What is going on in there?
- It's just the TV.
- [scraping]
- [Tim gasps]
[claws ring]
No.
- Meow.
- [crashes]
[parents] Timmy!
Meow!
Sorry, I can't take the fall for this.
I get kicked out, I lose everything.
Thanks for being a team player.
What?
[wails] No!
Timothy Templeton!
It wasn't me, Mom. The kitten
Oh, the kitten was playing football
in the living room?
- What?
- [faint tap]
We'll discuss punishment later.
For now, just go outside.
You can roughhouse out there.
- [whispers] Thank you.
- [Mom] Take the baby with you.
I don't want him around
this broken glass.
Outside? I I lost.
Forget the stupid contest.
You don't have to go. We can fix this.
No, Templeton. I made a deal.
First out stays out.
- And I stand by my word.
- [cat squeaks]
Meow!
Bootsy Calico, I can't say I like you,
but I respect a challenge well played.
Now!
[yowls]
- First out stay out. Boom! Still got it.
- [Staci] Yay!
Did your plan have to include
getting me in trouble?
- Sure. Let's say it did.
- Meow.
Meow.
Gracious in defeat. I respect that.
I'll take that victory handshake.
- [faint creaking]
- Huh?
[gasps]
Boss!
[Tim] Hey, the stupid contest is over.
My baby brother won.
Cats are anarchists.
They don't play by rules.
Bootsy Calico never wanted
to take me out of the house.
He's here to take me out!
[Boss Baby] Jimbo, stop that.
I can't help it. He's so soft.
- Meow!
- [claws ring]
Scramble and regroup!
- Boss, what do we do?
- I have an idea.
- [thumps]
- Ow!
Vengeance!
That felt good. Thanks for waiting.
Now, what do we do about the cat?
One time when I was in daycare,
a boy kept chasing me, so I told him
to meet me at the slide.
But when he went, I wasn't there.
I was back in his cubbyhole,
filling his lunchbox with centipedes.
[chuckles]
- That's unhelpful, and you terrify me.
- I love that story.
Templeton, you like imagining things.
Imagine me a solution.
Ooh, good idea.
[Tim] There we were, underground,
stalked by the king of the space jungle,
the star tiger.
- [growls]
- [Tim] No weapons, no tools.
Oxygen supply running low.
Only one way out.
Space Mom, Space Dad, can you help us?
[parents] Sure, boys.
[growls]
- That's your plan?
- We have to get Mom and Dad.
- Why?!
- Because that's what kids do.
And you are just a baby!
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that.
Staci, Jimbo
- [Staci howls] Ai-yah!
- [thuds]
- [clicks]
- [sighs] I'm sorry, Templeton.
I should never have involved any of you.
This is my fight.
Staci, Jimbo, thank you for your service.
Vaya con baby Dios.
Wait! What are you doing?
I'm gonna bag the tiger. [grunts]
[jingling]
[motor whirring]
[gasps]
[cat snarls]
[thumping]
- [yelps]
- [bangs]
[yelling] Mom! Dad!
- [loud whirring]
- [Tim] Mom! Dad!
[yelling] Mom!
I'm coming, baby!
[growls, grunts]
[grunts]
[squeaks]
- [toy] I'm your new best friend.
- [squeaks]
[toy giggles]
You can't kill what you can't see.
Time to go invisible.
[cat snarls]
[growling]
- Mommy is a dirty liar!
- [cat snarls]
[Boss Baby yelping]
[grunting]
- [Boss Baby grunting]
- [cat yowling]
[crashes]
[growls]
[grunting]
[yowls]
[yowls]
[yowls, snarls]
[Boss Baby] Aha! Gotcha! Whoop!
[yowls]
[grunts] Oh!
[bangs]
- [faint click]
- [gasps]
- [gasps]
- Meow.
[claws ring]
[scraping]
[yelling]
- [yowls]
- [crashes]
[groans]
Templeton!
You were right.
Sometimes you can't run to Mom and Dad,
and then you do it yourself,
and it feels awesome!
[groans]
That crash made my brain slippery.
I'm proud of you, Timmy.
I thought I had him,
but I'm glad at least one of us
[gasps]
[Boss Baby] He's still coming!
[snarls, claws ring]
- [moans]
- Hey! Hey! He's not part of this.
- Your beef is with me.
- [moans]
[Boss Baby] Oh, you win. What do you want?
Just leave the kid alone.
Hello, meow-meow.
[grunting]
[groans, pants] Hmm
[growling, claws ring]
[Boss Baby wails]
- [Mom] Is the baby okay?
- We're coming.
[Mom] Oh, my goodness!
[Dad] What happened?
[crying]
[Mom] Oh!
- The cat! It scratched the baby.
- [surprised yowl]
- That one was definitely profanity.
- [Mom] Oh, my poor sweet baby.
- Are you okay?
- [gasps]
[hisses, snarls]
And, um
the cat also cuffed me to this couch
and pulled the couch downstairs,
which was weird, right?
Adrenaline, I guess.
Boys, we are so sorry.
I guess our family wasn't ready
to foster a kitten.
Ah, poor fella. We'll have to call
and break the news to Dr. Calico.
What?
There's an extra "a"
in the second "gaa."
Mommy just butchered the pronunciation.
Not "gaa." It's "gaaa."
That changes the whole meaning.
- It doesn't say Bootsy Calico?
- That's not the full message.
It says, "A gift from Bootsy Calico."
Bootsy was never the kitten. He's the vet!
[beeping]
[clicks]
Well, howdy hey, Boss Baby.
[gasps] I thought adults weren't
supposed to know about Baby Corp.
You said it snaps their brains.
The man is surrounded by kittens.
Does he look sane to you?
I hope ow!
I hope you enjoyed my present ow.
But I know you must be
ow confused.
"How is he ow doing this?
How does this ow this man
have such ow
such total control over kittens?"
[chuckles]
Baby boy,
this man was raised by kittens.
[slurps]
And we are coming
for all the world's love.
Try and take it,
you cat-loving psychopath!
- I think it's just a tape.
- I know. Let me have my anger.
See you soon, Boss Baby.
Meow.
Ow! Roscoe, that is my groin.
[tape whirs, stops]
So what? We can take him.
That couch thing really did light a fire
in your belly. [chuckles]
Good.
You should act for yourself more often.
And you should tattle
to Mom and Dad more often.
Forget your dumb CEO.
Family doesn't make you soft.
- It does a little.
- Fine.
But it also means someone's
always got your back.
Templeton,
if you try to hug me right now
- [chuckles] No. Ew!
- Great. Yay. We learned, we bonded.
Plus side: now we know who our enemy is.
And we walk away
with all this used kitty litter.
How is that a plus side?
[courier knocking on door]
Sir, you have a package delivery.
[CEO]
Don't care. Too busy being amazing.
Just come in, open it
and drop whatever it is on my desk.
[grunts]
[door opens]
[footsteps fade]
- [box opens, contents thudding]
- [CEO screams]
Boss Baby