I am so confused right now, I don’t know who I am, who I was or even who I want to be. I’m not looking for reasons, excuses, or explanations for how or why I find myself in this place at this moment. Such things are pointless speculations at best and they won’t help me find the answers I need.I want to be able to close my eyes and know.I want to be able to step outside this body, with its assumptions and expectations, its imposed suppositions, all the contrived actions and reactions. I want… No, I need to be free to be.I made the mistake of thinking I needed to rediscover myself, to embark on a journey of rebuilding, retooling, of making a better more enlightened version of myself when in truth, I never knew myself. Everywhere I look, every thought, opinion, hope and dream has been borrowed from somewhere else. All those years of trying to fit in, of being a mimic, a mirror reflecting back what I thought other expected to see, left me little more than an shadow, a vaporous possibility.

Bitter winds blow across a barren landscape. Grit and sand scour rock, turning land and sky into a featureless grey blur. Whispers and sighs unexpectedly turn to thunderous roars of anger, of frustration.

I read once, if you want to truly know yourself, you need to look deep inside and question everything.

When I close my eyes, allowing myself to sink past the noise and distractions, into the deeper darkness within, I ask “who is waiting or me here?” Each time I am faced by an image of a small girl with piercing blue eyes. There is no fear, no hesitation, only the deepest acceptance of her own existence. It is I who doubts, who questions.