The 10 Most Annoying Things About Going Snowboarding

07Jan10

Villa Cortina, Vail Village, Colorado

Whenever I get to go snowboarding, I vow to ride the first lift and survive off of granola bars stuffed in my pockets until the last lift closes for the day. By the last day, sure, I play the die-hard soaking up every gnarly second of woman vs. mogul. Not today. Never the first day. Everyone cuts the first day short. We retire to the instant dial-controlled fire, read books, play card games, and generally distract ourselves from the fact that we are beat.

These are the things we lounge around and complain about after hot showers and tacos. The 10 absolutely most annoying things about going snowboarding:

Lousy wipe-outs: I always eat a bit of snow my first day back on a snowboard. Best scenario: tumbling into fresh powder while attempting a brave stunt. Worst scenario: catching a front edge onto my face right off the lift and taking out a little kid in the process. Great wipe-outs are gritty, extreme, and make a great story. Bad wipe-outs just look dumb…and hurt.

Snot bubbles: Yes, they can be very funny on a loud, flashy boarder or a prissy skier. Not so funny when it happens to you. Only, you will probably never know because no one ever bothers to point it out. You could bring tissues, but your hand will just get cold unzipping your pocket.

Long flat places where you have to hold one edge the entire time: Apparently, these little connector-trails are all the rage. Need to get from one lift to another? Want to cut over to a freshly groomed blue-diamond? Hop on a long, flat trail until your calves or quads (toe or heel edge) are slowly detaching from your bones. Stop to rest and you are guaranteed to become one of the waddling, hopping, hopeless snowboarders trying to cross the flat without any momentum or ski poles.

Cell phones: Even when I do answer, we never find each other. So, let me keep my gloves on and leave my cell in the lodge.

Finding the board rental shop: Board shops are always impossible to find– even when they are in prominent locations and give clear directions. We were two hours late to the lifts this morning after following iPhone’s GPS cursor through private property and snow drifts right to nowhere. After backtracking, asking, and searching for stairs and a giant bear statue, we finally claimed our glorious boards, and received a two-cent refund because of a tax glitch.

Going to the bathroom: Potty breaks while snowboarding are problematic at best. First, you must find a lodge, unlatch and stow your board, navigate through the damp masses, and fit your marshmallow-version self in a teeny, dim stall. Then, the soggy layers are peeled off one-by-one. The toilet seat will feel alarmingly warm against your icy cheeks. Your pee will burn you. Back on with the layers. Make sure you have your gloves. Hope your board has not gone up a lift without you. Oh my, such work to empty a bladder!

Helmet hair: Between the cold, the dryness, the hats, and the helmets, my head becomes a mass of straw and static well on its way to forming a single, grotesque dread lock (and I usually find dreads so attractive).

Skiers with pretty hair: Skiers, man, skiers. Skier chicks always have pretty hair. They flounce about, bouncing their long pony-tail braids or twists from side-to-side, not a hair out of place. If that wasn’t enough, they wear pearl earrings and coats that cinch in at the waist. No one should wear pearls to play in the snow. No one.

The cold: Proudly donning Under Armour from ankles to wrists, neck guard, long-sleeve thermal, two pairs of Smart Wool socks, snow pants, North Face ski jacket, headband, helmet, goggles, and gloves, I still ended up with icy fingers, numb butt, and toes that alternately tingled or felt nothing at all.

Round one goes to the mountain. I hung up my gear early today, but promise to catch the first lift tomorrow morning–only its supposed to be 15-degrees colder, and it’s already freezing.

I’ve never been snowboarding let alone seen or been to the snow but it’s been on my To Do list for a very long time.

One thing is for sure if I ever feel the need for a toilet break I’m going to make my exit early because that looks like a 30min preparation time just to go. And there would be no way I’m getting my johnson out on the cold cold mountain.

And it is a critical thing indeed to have on your To Do list! Yes, with all those layers (unless you are spring skiing, which should be experienced as well), and limited lift time, bathroom breaks are not advisable 🙂 Be sure you check out my follow-up post to add some positivity to the mix. Snowboarding really is fabulous. I love it.
Thanks for the comment and best of luck discovering snow!