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But what depresses me more is that with his pain I have to deal by myself. I can't go to my parents. They're too old and not healthy anough any more. Each time I've visited them I drive home crying. I played a role: their son is okay, don't worry mom and dad...

When I see my kids, I'm playing a role (but I enjoy them). But if they knew how sad daddy is....When I see my ex wife and we're having arguments I think: please don't, I feel so bad and depressed...When I go to visit a client I think: Okay I'm working, but you should know that I can stand your stupid jokes becuase I'm sad from the inside...

I feel sad and guilty when I see my kids. I keep thinking: I'm so sorry my sweathearts that this happened to daddy... I hope to give you a lucky and pleasant youth... And when they're at their mother I feel so lonely...

I feel really bad and guilty to be the big pretender....It's making me weary...

I don't know all the particulars of your life, of course......but don't you have someone close to share your burden with? Does your ex know? A close friend, perhaps? It will not do for you to carry such a heavy heart and be on edge. Not good on your nerves (stress level), zeb. Makes you feel like you're gonna burst at the seams, yes?

You do know that you can live a full life. You do understand that's possible, don't you?

Maybe you need to stop playing a role. Instead, find a new outlook. Gosh, that could come off as sounding harsh but honestly, I don't mean it to be.

Zeb, this is definitely not a virus to deal with in isolation. You're fairly new to this, at least that's the impression I get from your other postings. It's challenging at anytime to live with HIV, but often especially overwhelming when it's still very new.

I don't know where you live. I'm wondering if there is an AIDS service organization in your area where you might be able to get some support and relieve the loneliness of dealing with this by yourself.

u are not alone. I play the role of happy guy at home, work and streets. I have some very bad days and some days where I purposely try not to feel or react to anything because I know I will burst in tears any minute. The thing that has worked best for me is to try to save all my "worriness/stress" for when I feel ill or get some bad news from the doctors because I don't know what the future entails. If you feel fine physically then take advantage of the situation and exercise, go out with your kids and be active in your life. Save the depression and sadness for when you do feel ill or receive bad news from the docs but who knows you may be lucky and be strong most of your life. I find it easier to cope with HIV by keeping my mind busy and trying to help other people closest to me deal with their problems because I know I will need them to be by my side when I feel the lowest. It's ok to cry, but try not to do it in front of your loved one's especially if you haven't told them and if your mind is going crazy on you, take a long walk and go to your local coffee shop and treat yourself to a coffee drink or something you like (stay away from alcohol). Lastly what has helped me as well is to find a buddy who I can talk to on the phone who is also HIV poz. I really can't talk about many of my issues with my friends who are not poz because they wouldn't understand and just feel sorry for me and that is not what I need right now. Talking to someone is therapeutic. One day at a time my friend.

Zeb,I just read all of your posts. What you mention today is similar to many other postings - fear, depression, sadness. One even mentioned suicide. Are you in any type of support group or therapy? If not I strongly suggest you do. while these forums are a great place to get info and online support, they cannot replace having face to face interaction.

And now for a little tough love, I hate to break this to you but you are going to live. This is 2007. I tested positive a year ago next week and in all the conversations I have had with my doctors and other HIV professionals not one -absolutely no one - has told me to get my shit together because I had a year or 2 left. By the way, I started with a 179 CD4 count. In reading your Feb 22 post I take it you were infected sometime in the fall of 2005. I would think that your CD4 count isn't nearly as low as mine, so you are in much better shape than me. Twelve years ago HAART didn't exist and now people diagnosed are told to plan for retirement. Who knows what might happen in the next 12.

I strongly encourage you to seek professional help. The time you are spending worrying and being depressed about HIV is time you are not enjoying with your family! Don't waste away those times, because tomorrow you might not be here - not because of HIV, but you get hit by a bus.....

You are going to live,Woods

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"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it." Nelson Mandela

Zeb you sound alot like me in the early days of diagnosis. 2 kids. X wife. Hadnt told the parents. I was lucky and found a good woman, but it didnt help with everything. I then chose the Prozac route and it has been VERY helpful. You arent alone. You will live a long time and will have plenty of time to enjoy your children. I worry more about them dying before me through some accident than I worry about burdening them with a father dying of AIDS. And as far as my parents go, after I told them they said they didnt want me to die before them (they are relatively young) and so I promised them I wouldn't....even if it means I shoot you both myself...is what I told them!!!

Good luck Zeb, we are here.

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LIFE is not a race to the grave with the intention of arriving safelyin a pretty and well-preserved body, but, rather to skid in broadside,thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming--WOW! WHAT ARIDE!!!

Alot of good stuff has been said already. I too went through it alone for the first many many months. I joined a social group, and of course later found Aidsmeds.

Perhaps you should seek out a counselor/therapist to rule out any severe depression. After that the best advice was to go out and continue living your life. Join a gym, and get some exercise. I wish you the best.

You said that you don`t wanna read my letters because they are so heavy to you.................Yes that I must admit..........But keep one thing in mind:" Playing my role,pretending everything is OK is so hard "but it is a far more better option than the option someone is seeing that something is not OK.It has happened to me but they haven`t a clue what it is..............As I`m writing this my older daughter come back from school.She was saving a money that we were gave her for a school snack and has bought a little presents for the three of us with a messages : "To my mom " , " Little sis" , "Dad " and "to he best family in the world".It has broken my heart in two , but I has to be strong.

As for relatives I have none living.Just father & mother in low , but they are both ill ( problems with heart-pacemakers)GOT TO PRETEND , IT SEEMS TO ME HOW THIS GAME IS PLAYING ! (in my country-Serbia) Al

I can't begin to imagine the kind of isolation you are feeling at this point. My loved ones know about me being HIV positive because I wouldn't keep that from them ever or live the role of what you call "the big pretender." Not only for them, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself first and foremost.

People have to make their own choices, especially the hard ones. Just know that you don’t have to be alone with your feelings. At the very least, you can dump them here. Better tho would be if you could find a qualified counsellor or support group or both.

Someone wiser than me once said:

“What is not expressed is depressed.” That seems to fit what you’re going through.

Like AC said, "You sound a lot like me in the early days of my diagnosis". Knowing what I know now, personally speaking, I wasted a lot of time and energy in those early days. I also have kids and my ex and I were recently separated. I isolated myself quite a bit and I was so depressed. If you are feeling this way, your kids are not getting the full benefit of you as a father. I know it is not easy, but you have to see the light at the end of the tunnel and trust me it is there.

Zeb, only we can make the changes needed to get out of depression. Depression was almost as hard for me to admit as it was for me to admit to being an addict. If it is guilt or fear based you need to talk to someone and quit holding that shit in. It has been almost been 2 years since my infection. Wow, I can tell you what a difference in those two years. My life has made a full 180 for the better.

Please hang in there Zeb. If AC can do it so can you .. Seriously though listen to what everyone has said here and do not give up.

Zeb... I thnk you are breaking free of those barriers you have set for yourself. You are reaching out here, you are talking about your feelings. And I swear we have all spit the same words out of our mouths in a fashion. There is nothing worse than that big hole in the pit of your stomach that you do not know how or what to fill it with. Dont stop now Zeb... Take back what you have misplaced. Its no fun being where you are.. Its a bit to cold, dank and full of sadness. Choose to get the fuck back out of there.. I think you are... Lots of wisdom here.... Listen and above all dont stop moving forward..

I am going to answer you here because I get the impression you don't regularly check your PMs. You already know we are both in pretty much the same situation. And from what I have read here there are a number of forum members that can totally relate to you concerning the challenges you face as a parent. And as far as acceptance and the initial shock of being diagnosed everyone else feels your pain (homo, hetero, bi, man, woman). I am sure we all are scared and depressed in the beginning. (I still am once in a while)

Zeb, take everyone's advice and stop torturing yourself!You need professional help and a place to vent.Everyone is down once in a while but posting these depressed messages here one after another is not helping you, or anyone else for that matter.

PM me if you want to talk or need specific advice where to turn to in the Netherlands.

Zeb, I am in agreement with everyone else, more or less. Please give yourself the credit for, first, recognising what you are going through and second, being able to separate it based on each person or group, as opposed to just posting: I feel ______. Third, you could seek professional help, but you could also seek non-professional help first, such as a support group which would be similar to the forums, but you would be facing other people and talking things out with them live. Best, Win

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Winthrop Smith has published three collections of poetry: Ghetto: From The First Five; The Weigh-In: Collected Poems; Skin Check: New York Poems. The last was published in December 2006. He has a work-in-progress underway titled Starting Positions.

I can't express how much I empathise babe. Better and wiser have said it already.We are here for you I wish the hugs I send to everyone could be physical sometimesIn the meantime, big cuddlesfrom the cat who knows how it feels to walk alonexxxx

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I know i'm going to enjoy the party in the afterlife, but do you all mind that I'm going to be VERY late!!!

I can relate to how you feel as well. Only 4 people know I am + , and none of them are family, all friends. They have been really supportive. I told them the day of my diagnosis. Keep on going. Look at you children's eyes, and try not to pretend but to be 150% happy with them, every single day.

Do not blame yourself for pretending. In some way or another, we all have. (Specially when we are gay), but believe us, you can do it.

Hiv is not something that kills people anymore...People with hiv don't die because of hiv related illnesses anymore.It's easy to live with but you just have to watch what you eat and check your mind.Make sure there is someone you can talk to!Remember, there are a lot of people who are going through the same thing.

Remember that everything is an experience, Life is an experience.You just gotta enjoy it

That is a very small portion of people.Even so there are simple alternatives like changing meds.The odd are higher the later you start of course.The majority of people that die from hiv related complications are those that don't go on meds.(Most of them are from my country)I live in South Africa. Where 1 out of every 4 people are hiv+So you can see it as a death sentence.I see it as a Chronic Illness.

Ugh, Zanarkand. I think you have gone over the top in your attempt to be encouraging.

You wrote: "HIV is NOT a death sentence. It's more of a chronic illness."

You might want to change that to read:HIV is NOT an immediate death sentence. It's more of a chronic disease, that is somewhat manageable.

Then:"Hiv is not something that kills people anymore...People with hiv don't die because of hiv related illnesses anymore."

You need to get better informed if this is what you truly believe. NOT THE TRUTH. Especially hit hard is Africa and third world countries of significant populations. People die of complications from AIDS in developed countries too. Yes, in the year 2007. When a cure or vaccine will be discovered I am sure it will be in all the headlines of the world. And then, still, your statements will not be considered as factual.

What modern medicine can do is prolong life and manage the disease. There is not a formula of one size fits all even with modern medicine & technology at our side.xxx,Mike

Zanarkand...... I am mystified that you, of all people, would say something like this: HIV is NOT a death sentence. It's more of a chronic illness.

People don't die with HIV... THEY LIVE WITH IT!

African nations, with the poverty and the lack of education, have the worst record for HIV deaths in the whole world.How can you make that kind of statement and use a study like the one you used to back you up.? The study was for a 10 year period of time in DENMARK..a wealthy country ....with good health care. It even said this:

"He added that the study had two limitations from the TAC's perspective: it was done in one of the world's most affluent countries and was based on 10-year data projected over a lifetime. "Nevertheless, the results are very promising," he said." quote from the study

Ok, promising....here ....means that its likely that the life span of HIV positive individuals age 25 is extended to meet normal expectations. It does not mean its a fact. Yet. The data is still coming in.

In any case, I am afraid I dont understand why you are taking the position that HIV is now a chronic illness.?I think we would like it to be, but it sure isnt there yet.

Well, Living in SOUTH Africa (nothing north except Uganda)I can say that here in a 3RD world country.WE see it as CHRONIC.

Please don't speak for South Africa

Ugh, maybe I just need to cool down.Nobody understands this countryOur health minister makes us seem pathetic.It's so easy for the rest of the world to say "Look at the 3rd world countries where everyone's dying of aids"

I understand what you are saying: dont lump all of Africa together based on one nation....we are many. I understand that each country has its own problems.but as for South Africa, the news has not been good:"South Africa's Health Minister ReplacedBy StaffMar 1, 2007

South African Health Minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang -- criticized for telling those with HIV to take garlic, beets and lemon -- has been replaced.

Transport Minister Jeff Radebe was appointed interim health minister, although AIDS activists say it is unlikely the ailing Tshabalala-Msimang will return to the post, the Washington Post reported.

"I hope that we're in a position to have a more scientifically focused HIV policy going forward," Francois Venter, president of the Southern African HIV Clinicians Society, told the newspaper."

KentWell .....I sure dont represent AIDSMEDS!!! I am just me...and my opinion is mine. So, if you need support because your boyfriend is in the hospital, why didn't you say so and ask for support on that basis. I mean, we all have need for support. Some more than others. If your boyfriend just went in the hospital, then YOU need to hear that he will be fine. I know you will be a great support for him and will tell him that he will get better. And he will.

I'd like to apologize to you Kent. I'm sorry if I was too quick to sound off. It was one of the rare moments that I have shot from the hip. When I read your earlier comments, I believed you were being cavalier with the overall tone of Zeb's concerns, and I thought you were sounding dangerously like some of the denialists who zip in from time to time, and try to be cutesy. In retrospect, it seems you were maybe being facetious. I shouldn't have fired off so quickly.I am sorry that your partner is in the hospital, and I truly wish for his speedy recovery. I hope you will accept my apology.Lisa

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No Fear No Shame No StigmaHappiness is not getting what you want, but wanting what you have.

This is a quote from Zanarkands 1st post ever... he says:"If this new chemical agent ( he refers to ARVs) destroys HIV when it emerges- HIV will never infect your blood even if you still have it hiding in your body.

Basically, HIV+ with no actual infection from the virus as explained happens in many Animals, ect.

Only unlike ARV's the agent can be manufactured by your body.So it becomes a part of you and basically eliminates side effects that you would normally face from using a chemical based fighting agent (ARVS)

I'm no Genius but this doesn't seem like a PREVENTION method at all".....So it sounds like he is saying that we animals have the ability to produce an agent to fight HIV. He wants to say thay ARVs are not a form of prevention. He wants.... it seems....that we suspend scientific evidence that HIV causes AIDS.Now, I am going to shut up because I don't have time for this. And I am sorry if I have misinterpreted his post.