Thin Slicing Your New Project Runway Cast

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Project Runway is back. And I mean really back. They’re back in New York, where they always belonged. And Nina Garcia and Michael Kors are back judging for every episode, instead of skipping multiple weeks and being replaced by guest judges presumably picked at random out of a nearby Sephora store. With these two elements back in the mix, there’s no possible way the show can’t improve upon its horrid sixth season, which was won by that one girl with the insensitive dad.

Now, the season premiere challenge was again lackluster, as the designers were told, once again, to take some random fabric and, like, EXPRESS something with it. Bah! Regardless, I see a lot of promise in this new cast. And the best thing about the season premiere is that I saw so little of each designer that I can callously make sweeping generalizations about each one and their chances. So let’s do that now.

Anthony: The gay black designer from Atlanta already merits his own talk show, he’s such a delight. I feel like I’m watching Meshach Taylor in Mannequin all over again. Anthony was nearly booted off in the season premiere, which would have been a crime on par with first-degree arson.

Maya: I don’t even remember what she made, but she is wildly attractive for a goth and I hope she sticks around.

Mila: Wasn’t she already a cast member last season, only her name was Louise? Why did I need to see her again?

Emilio: He won the first challenge when you totally thought he would lose because he was taking so much time with his appliqué and he almost didn’t finish but he did and then ZOMG!!!!!!!! Pretty cocktail dress! Tough to tell if our man got lucky, or if he’s the real deal.

Ben: Ben’s last name is Chmura. Is he related to former Green Bay Packers tight end Mark Chmura, who was arrested for frolicking with underaged girls in a hot tub? From the looks of him, no.

Amy: No clue. I think they hid her under a sewing table for the entirety of the premiere.

Seth Aaron: Terrible name. I trust no man with two first names, especially a combination as horrid as Seth Aaron. Seth Aaron looks like Bruce Campbell and dressed like a magician for his runway show. Oh, and he made a porn star dress. A total porn star dress. The judges loved it, and that’s because they don’t watch enough porn to know better.

Jay: I don’t like him, because he can’t seem to fully commit to his own Mohawk.

Ping: Kooky physical therapist who uses herself as a mannequin and makes outfits that make you look like a homeless person. Again, the judges loved her, because…? Guest judge Nicole Richie also loved Ping’s getup, presumably because she hoped there was a used methadone needle hidden somewhere inside of it.

Anna: Like Amy, she was a nonfactor in the premiere. We’ll get to know her in the coming weeks. OR WILL WE?!

Janeane: Holy smokes, this girl cried roughly 7,000 times in just the first episode alone. “I don’t know… WHAT I’M GOING TO DO! WAHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHH!” You’re toast, honey. There’s no crying in fashion, and that’s because most of the top fashion editors have had their tear ducts surgically removed.

Jesus: Will be sued by Kid of Kid ‘N Play for stealing his hair. Jesus designed a tight leather dress for his model that the judges abhorred, but that I loved (because it was tight and made of leather and placed on an attractive woman). He’s doomed. But I would totally buy his stuff from the Adam and Eve catalog.

Pamela: Older. Says on the show’s website that her favorite designer is “God”. I dislike her already.

Jesse: Again, we saw this guy LAST season, and his name was Logan. Every Runway season has at least one token heterosexual white male. I decry these sorts of quotas to help heterosexual white males get a leg up in the world. EARN IT LIKE THE REST OF US.

Jonathan: Jonathan looks like the love child of Carson Daly and Gideon Yago. In fact, he may be just that. He may be a dark horse.