Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

A report says after the failure on health care reform,
Congress is gearing up to fight over spending. At least that’s the one thing
they can agree on that if they blow enough taxpayer money, both sides always
feel like they won.

Consumer confidence levels are the highest in the past 16
years. Most Americans feel that if Donald Trump made it to be a billionaire,
their ship must be ready to come in any day.

A report says some women are using Tinder to scam money off
men. What’s next, finding out that men are using dating sites to meet women for
sex?

A report says some women are using Tinder to scam money off
men. The men don’t seem to mind as giving a prospective mate a few hundred
dollars is still cheaper than dinner and a movie.

An Indonesian man was found swallowed whole inside a 21 foot
long python. What’s really weird is that the man’s name was Monty.

A bill in Alabama would require all cellphones to come with
an Internet porn filter that people would have to pay to remove. What do you
call a cellphone with no access to Internet porn? A paperweight.

A study says that Millennials who still owe on their
education are planning to help their children pay for college. Banks will one
day start offeringgenerational “legacy”
loans where everything will just be dumped on the great grandchildren.

A study says that Millennials who still owe on their
education are planning to help their children pay for college. At least as soon
as the Millennials themselves are able to move out of their own parents’
basement.

Flint, Michigan has made a deal to replace water lines in
18,000 homes. People were surprised at the news. There are 18,000 families who
still haven’t moved out of Flint?

Alec Baldwin says he nearly passed on playing Donald Trump
on “Saturday Night Live.” Seeing as how the election turned out, maybe he
should have listened to his instincts.

Alec Baldwin says he nearly passed on playing Donald Trump
on “Saturday Night Live.” But then, how much of a stretch could it have been
for Baldwin to play an entitled, wealthy, rage-filled narcissist?

Billionaire Carlos Slim is planning to produce cars in
Mexico in a joint venture with China. Apparently he feels that it would be
easier to work with the Chinese because they would never build a wall to keep
people out.

Billionaire Carlos Slim is planning to produce cars in
Mexico in a joint venture with China. The cars would be shipped into the U.S.
with standard features including air conditioning, Internet capability and four
immigrants in the trunk.

The Organization of American States is weighing punishing
Venezuela for disrupting democracy. People were surprised. When did Venezuela
have anything to do with democracy?

The Organization of American States is weighing punishing
Venezuela for disrupting democracy. The only question is where were they with
the U.S. election last November?

A Tennessee hospital has “hired” a full time comfort dog to
brighten the days of patients and the staff. Or they could just instead make
them happier by curing them and sending them home.

A Tennessee hospital has “hired” a full time comfort dog to
brighten the days of patients and the staff. Mostly as a preemptive maneuver so
they wouldn’t feel so bad about going broke once Donald Trump takes away their
health insurance.

Senate Republicans are urging the Trump Administration to
rethink the process for labeling firms that are too big to fail. Which
shouldn’t be that difficult since they are probably the same ones that caused
the economy to crash when they failed in 2007.

Crayola says it will retire one color from its classic 24
count crayon box for the first time in more than 100 years. Mostly because they
need to do something to boost sales which seem to be falling ever since George
W. Bush is no longer President.

Dick Cheney calls Russia’s meddling in a U.S. election an
“act of war.” Those who agree with him are secretly trying to arrange Cheney to
go alone with Vladimir Putin on a hunting trip.

Dick Cheney calls Russia’s meddling in a U.S. election an
“act of war.” Although it may actually have more to do with their discovery of
a massive oil reserve in Siberia.

Canada says it may legalize recreational marijuana by 2018.
Or if they can’t get around to it by then, maybe 2020, or 2023. The latest by
2025.

The Mayor of Oakland says it is time to “move on” from the
Raiders who are moving to Las Vegas. Apparently the Raiders are just a better
fit for Las Vegas who owes all its success over the years from welcoming and
accommodating losers.

A report says the average annual income in the U.S. is
$51,272. Which is a little misleading because if you don’t include Bill Gates,
Warren Buffet and Mark Zuckerberg that brings everyone else down to about
$1,484 a year.

A report says the average annual income in the U.S. is
$51,272. Which is amazing when you consider that means working 20 hours every
day of the year to pull that kind of money on minimum wage.

U.S. bank regulators failed Wells Fargo on a scorecard for
community lending. Although that was offset by the A+ they received for being
able to swindle all their customers with fake bank accounts.

A diversity report from Uber says the ride sharing site’s
makeup is 36% women and nearly 50% white workers. The good news is that they
are all equally abused on the job by CEO Travis Kalanick.

An early Facebook employee has donated $75 Million to UC San
Diego. Which is great news, considering there are only three students at UCSD
who are actually still using Facebook.

Fox News ratings have reached a record high during the Trump
presidency. Mostly because it is the only channel Trump supporters can watch
where they anchors read any stories about him and manage to keep a straight
face.

Fox News ratings have reached a record high during the Trump
presidency. In a related story, after covering Trump 24/7 the entire campaign
CNN says its ratings have doubled. A spokesperson confirmed that, saying
“What’s zero times two?”

A report says “Made in USA” labels come in tenth in a
ranking of trustworthiness around the world. Mostly because there are only
three products left that qualify to say they are actually still made here.

A report says despite the poor economy and corruption,
Vladimir Putin still has a popularity rating of 81%. Mostly because the other
19% are mining for salt in a Siberian Gulag.

A report says despite the poor economy and corruption,
Vladimir Putin still has a popularity rating of 81%. Which means pretty soon
the White House will announce it has handed over its polling duties to TASS.

A study says running a marathon may cause short term kidney
injuries. Which is no surprise when you have thousands of people running 26
miles without being able to stop to take a pee.

A study says running a marathon may cause short term kidney
injuries. Which could be stopped by telling the runners during the first few
miles when they are in a congested clump of humanity to watch how they throw
around those sharp elbows.

A report says costly doctors don’t provide their patients
with better care. Which people would be glad to find out for themselves just as
soon as someone can point out a doctor who is actually affordable.

Cambodia has banned the export of human breast milk to the
U.S. And who says the American dairy lobby isn’t earning every penny they are
paid?

A study says most states don’t require defibrillators in all
schools. Mostly because they really aren’t necessary until college when
students get their first tuition loan bill.

A group of doctors has issued recommendations on how the
U.S. handles its opioid epidemic. Although it isn’t known if one of those
suggestions might be writing out fewer opioid prescriptions.

A Ken Burns documentary on Muhammad Ali is in the works.
Apparently it will be completed just as soon as Burns is able to interview
Muhammad Ali, Jr. when he is let go from detainment by the airport security
wherever he is currently traveling.

The doping ban of tennis pro Maria Sharapova is ending after
15 months. If she was abusing pain pills, that is understandable. Just think
how much she must have been hurting to be screaming that loud through every
match.

The SEC is standing behind an exemption to an Arkansas law
allowing people to bring guns into stadiums. Mostly because the conference
thinks just a penalty flag and not massive carnage should be the result of
excessive celebration.

The owner of the Bunny Ranch says he will open a Raiders
themed brothel outside of Las Vegas. Apparently the connection will be when the
workers require their clients to wear a helmet.

The House has voted to let ISPs sell customers’ browsing
history to advertisers. Hopefully the clients won’t be upset to find out 99.9%
of the browsing is to get to Facebook, Twitter and Internet porn.

MIT says U.S. cyber insecurity is a “disgrace” that
President Trump needs to take seriously. To which Trump is saying if he took
anything seriously, he wouldn’t be living in the White House.

MIT says U.S. cyber insecurity is a “disgrace” that
President Trump needs to take seriously. How bad must it be to be described
like that by people who are subjected every week to watching the MIT football
team?

A 6,000 year old rock carving found in Egypt depicting
people wearing masks. No one had any idea the Middle East made the KISS tour
rotation that long ago.

Optometrists, who are not medical doctors are lobbying in
Florida to be able to perform eye surgery. If they don’t succeed they still
have the option to be like salon workers and make extra cash giving their
clients butt-enhancing injections.

Hillary Clinton criticized Donald Trump over the lack of
diversity in his administration. To which Trump defended his staff, saying it
is made up of rich old white men who are short, tall, thin, fat and some who
wear glasses.

Donald Trump has pledged an “easy” health care deal after
his devastating defeat earlier this week. It has to be easier since the
Republicans had to work really hard to mess things up that badly the first
time.

Ivanka Trump is taking coding classes with her 5 year old
daughter. Apparently she feels the administration needs at least one person who
can learn how to leak information without being caught red handed.

House Republicans say they are still negotiating the repeal
of Obamacare. At issue is whether they should consider their first attempt a
crushing defeat or just an embarrassing disaster.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Yesterday I think I
set a personal record with 61 jokes on the blog. Combine that with 8 hours at
work, time for practicing Karate and obligations around the house and that
leaves about 38 seconds to have a life. So I hope you appreciate my efforts
here as it is just all for fun. Because no one in their right mind wants to
actually fork out any money for this stuff. But I get my reward when you all
remember to always keep on sending the love!