Saturday, January 23, 2010

My Long Overdue First Post of 2010

Well, here we are, 23 days into 2010 (that's twenty-ten, by the way, not two thousand [and] ten), and I'm finally getting around to my first blog post of the year. I've been itching to write, but cursed by a combination of little time and a nagging shortage of inspiration. I've finally decided that there are only so many good ideas floating in the zeitgeist at one time, and right now they're all taken by others. That pisses me off. (Of course it does; if it weren't for things pissing me off, this blog wouldn't exist.)

So rather than expound upon any brilliant ideas at this point in the New Year, I've decided simply to present a list of Things That Make Me Mad Because I Didn't Think of Them First. Vicariously enjoy my bile, won't you?

"Pants on the Ground" - General Larry Platt, you've created a simple, maddeningly catchy ditty and ridden it to superstardom. You're a civil rights crusader, a musical visionary, and a really sweet old dude. And you managed to charm the socks off Simon Cowell and the other American Idol judges while becoming world-famous. I adore your song. Fuck you.

Sleep Talkin' Man - Quite simply, the funniest blog on Blogspot. Hey, I'm on Blogspot. And you are funnier than I am, plus you post, like, every day. Crap.

Lost - I'm pretty sure that this is the TV show most would-be writers would have written if only they had thought of it (and had the balls to pitch it to a network) first. I only started watching it on DVD in June 2009, and as of tonight I'm finally caught up and waiting with everyone else for Season 6 to start on February 2. Really, this can be done on TV and millions will eat it up? Well, shit, thanks for telling me.

G4 - An entire network for smarty-pants geeks. They watch a lot of TV, and they have a ton of disposable income to spend on things they see advertised (try not buying absinthe martinis or Blow Jobs for a few weeks and see how much you save up). I personally spent most of today watching "Campus PD" and laughing my ass off. Why did I never realize what a great goddamn untapped market homebound losers are?

Fox News - I never realized that some people actually want to listen to a steady stream of right-wing garbage and unfiltered conspiracy bullshit on national television 24 hours a day. My bad.

Flavored vodka - I just plain fucking missed out on this one.

Starbucks - Yeah, forget it. Never in a million years would I have bought into a business plan that involved people paying $6 for a cup of coffee. The evil geniuses who tapped into this one deserve their fame, fortune, and personal circle in hell.

I'm off now to do research on what I feel will be the Next Big Thing: Deep, restful sleep on a comfy bed. Remember, it's my idea. The next time you get a good night's sleep, I expect a royalty check.