Jake wrote: "So, well, the past two months have been Hell." Speak for yourself.

Jake wrote "I started drinking. Why?" Because you have the mind of an 11 year old and you think that it's cool.

Jake wrote: "Didn't have the money for cocaine or anything" Yet you managed to find enough money for a dozen or so beers everyday. A coke habit would have been cheaper.

Jake wrote: "I got down on my knees many times during the day" Well that explains where the money was coming from.

Jake wrote: "I'm a happy drunk, yet I become mentally handicapped when drunk," It's not just when you're drunk that you appear to be mentally handicapped. You do realise this, don't you?

Jake wrote: "I was partying and having sex with any woman that would spread her legs." I suspect this to be a lie. You're not that pleasant when you're sober so I find it highly unlikely that a woman would become more attracted to you while you were lying in a pool of your own vomit and urine.

Jake wrote: "I have to get STD tests tomorrow." You are a sexually transmitted disease. You were passed from your father to your mother 22 years ago. I bet if you were smeared with anti-biotics, you'd dissolve like the wicked witch of the west in 'The Wizard of Oz'

Jake wrote: "I could just drink again without any worries." Wow! You're just so awsome that I'm going to have to change into some dry underpants.

Jake wrote: "One night, I drank so much and so fast, that I fell out of bed and passed out, and stopped breathing." Oh sweet baby Ganesh, I've just shot my bolt.

Jake wrote: "Jessica had to sit me up right in order to breath by then," And she wonders why so may folk on Queenzone don't like her despite never having spoken to her.

Jake wrote; "I decided at 6:00AM to go get a six pack. Figured I could sober up by then. But after the first six pack, I bought another. After that, I bought a 12 pack. If you think about it, that is only 24 beers. But I drank all of them except 3 bottles," I don't know anyone over the age of 13 years old who still thinks they're cool by bragging about how much they managed to drink in a short period of time.

Jake wrote: "I remember saying to the lady at the scrap yard to "Forgive me body movements, I have parkinson's disease"... I doubt she believed it. Especially since I was hitting on her and making sexual comments to her." I've just been sick all down my shirt.

Jake wrote: "I completely upset my Mom, because my Uncle died not too long ago, and she says I remind her so much of him." Yeah, I've seen photographs of you and you do bear a striking resemblance to a decomposed corpse.

Jake wrote "I saw my Mom cry thinking I'd die like he did." Those were tears of joy I suspect.

Jake wrote: "I have Jessica and Gavyn to worry about," Well that makes a first.

Jake wrote: "I have a life to live. Drinking yourself away isn't a life, it's either suicide, or a cry for help. I don't know what mine was, probably both, but I want to live... and that, I shall." Birthday card pish!

Hoping someone on Queenzone enquires who it was that died so I can bleat on about just how tragic it is to be me on Saturday.

Pretending to drink 124 beers in the space of ten minutes on Sunday.

Ignoring parental responsibilty on Monday.

Posting self-pitying diatribe on Queenzone on Tuesday.

Taking photographs of children in the park on Wednesday.

Licking the tyres on my next door neighbour's truck on Thursday.

Visiting uncle Pete in Prison on Friday.

Listening to a looped Brian Wilson CD on Saturday.

Masturbating into a sock on Sunday.

Writing a song that starts with the words "So you say" and contains 11 "fucks" on Monday.

Getting messages from God on Tuesday.

Cutting neighbour's grass for £3 on Wednesday.

Drinking iced coffee that the store clerk has pissed in on Thursday.

Pretending another friend or close relative has died in order to gain sympathy from Queenzoners on Friday.

Slowly realising that nobody cares whether I live or die on Saturday.

Posting a long and painstakingly dull post on Quenzone which will inevitably be choc-full of spelling mistakes and grammatical errors in which I claim to suffer from a number of made-up disorders which are more commonly associated with young children, make ridiculously exaggerated boasts concerning the amount of alcohol I consume on top of my medication, which incidentally are placebos, and attempt to portray myself as a tragic anti-hero with a rebellious and self-destructive streak on Sunday.

In a way, we should be grateful for having Jake around. Think of it like this: who else is there that gives you all the openings for comments/jokes/piss-taking you need, that you can make fun of in absolutely every way imaginable without ever feeling the least bit guilty, and on top of all that, actually responds to such material every now and then?

In a way, we should be grateful for having Jake around. Think of it like this: who else is there that gives you all the openings for comments/jokes/piss-taking you need, that you can make fun of in absolutely every way imaginable without ever feeling the least bit guilty, and on top of all that, actually responds to such material every now and then?