Scott Pelley Takes The CBS Anchor Crown

It was a bloody battle, but in the end there can only be one. Today, Lord Scott Pelley, he of the Clan of 60 Minutes, has emerged victorious in the Battle for CBS’ Anchor Crown. He takes the throne after our reigning queen, the venerable Lady Katie Couric of the Morning Show, honorably stepped down from the post. Lord Pelley has long brought honor to the realm of CBS, having served his realm faithfully while reporting in Iraq, Afghanistan and Kuwait. He has brought many rewards, riches and awards to the realm during his service, not to mention his silver mane rivals that of the Glorious Anderson Cooper, the White Fox.

But Lord Pelley faces many a challenge as he ascends to the throne. The Realm of CBS News fares poorly against it’s rivals, the kingdom of ABC (ruled by Diane Sawyer the Wise) and the NBC Empire (led by the Foolish King himself, Brian Williams the Great). While the many peasants of nightly news grow older, Pelley will have to bring gravitas and hubris to the position that once sat Cronkite the Weeper and Rather the Liar. May the gods smile favorably upon our newest noble king and may the words flow effortlessly across his teleprompter.