Today I am enduring a heavy portion of bipolar depression. A very heavy portion. And I have tried in the past to explain how this feels to the people in my life. And I have heard so many people’s stories about how they have tried to explain it to their loved ones. And it never really quite works. Because those three little words that we hate so much…”suck. it. up.” come by much too frequently.

So, I’ve come up with an explanation that may help. And by all means, let me know what you think!

First, you must stay up for 48 hours straight. Go ahead and drink coffee, that’s not a problem. This is just to get you ready.

I know you want to go to sleep, but you can’t. If you have kids, you’ll have to be getting them up, ready for school (whatever that means in your house) and then off to school. If you cook a hot breakfast…you need to do that today. And now you need to go to work. Be nice to those customers/clients/co-workers. They don’t care that you are running an experiment to get an idea what bipolar depression feels like. They need things and you need to provide them. Nicely.

Work done for the day? Time to get home and make dinner for the kids if you have them.

Now, often those of us with bipolar depression will be told that if we just exercise and eat right, we’ll be fine. So make sure that dinner is very healthy and when you’re done go for a walk around the neighborhood. Got an exercise machine at your house? You can use that for 1/2 hour if you would rather. If you choose to go outside, make sure you’re pleasant to the neighbors. I know you don’t feel like it, but you can do it! Let me just give you a positive affirmation on which you can concentrate. That should get you through your walk.

You did well. You may now sleep.

But, you should know that I have been sleeping, and this is how I feel. I had to take you to dangerous levels on sleep-deprivation to make you see just a little bit of how my bipolar depression makes me feel.

This morning I had therapy. I went, because I knew in my mind, somewhere, that it was necessary. I pulled into the parking lot and just sat in the car. Because the exhaustion had overwhelmed me and I needed to try to convince myself to get out of the car and walk to the office. When I came out of therapy there was a UPS truck parked behind my car. I wanted to cry. But, I didn’t because I’m pretending happiness. Even though every part of me is in pain. Even though I feel like I haven’t slept in days. Even though my memory is shot from the medication I take. If you can picture being awake for more than 48 hours and still pretending you are happy, than you might get an idea of what I’m talking about.

This little experiment doesn’t even take into account the shame and the stigma involved with having a mental illness. I can’t work, because I can’t string together enough good (or even good-ish) days to handle work. Plus all my doctors are practically screaming No Don’t do it! It’s been a little over two years waiting for disability to be approved. In case you were wondering, this is normal.

There are a string of well meaning people who have no idea what is really going on, waiting to give us their 2¢ worth of advice. From the well-meaners who can help some people; eat better, exercise, meditate, have mantras, think positive, take meds. To the dangerous – who hasn’t been told to stop all meds immediately? To everything in between. I have become angry with advice because often the people giving it aren’t listening to what I’m saying.

Read a bunch of blogs written by people with bipolar and you will quickly hear one universal problem. Just because we have a mental illness does not mean that we never have legitimate concerns and thoughts. Which is why I’ve tried to describe what it’s like.

But I think you forgot about the part where everyone looks at you and says things like “stop complaining, it’s not like you haven’t slept in 4 days” or my all time favorite, “Stop making everything about you. Everyone else is tired too, but you don’t see them complaining about it. Maybe you should just get over yourself.”

Excellent post! I love it – especially the part about being nice to everyone. When I’m depressed all I want is someone with real empathy to hold my arms or my hands, look me straight in the eyes, or embrace me, and tell me ‘Everything is going to be fine’. That’s all they have to do. I will make it fine because I know there is nothing they can do. I just want reassurance I guess. I want to feel my burden is shared. Everything is going to be fine, that’s my magic wand. I’m so sorry you’re weighed down by depression. Its a very tough place to be. I’m there with you. We can be roomies. Stop when you want to stop. Push when you feel you can. You know your body and your limits. Don’t let other people set them for you. They are not depressed, like you say, they don’t know….now if only I took my own advice (((hugs)))) ((((hugs)))) ❤

Thanks Pieces. Hubby tries, but he is so distressed by the mood flips that he often just doesn’t know what to do. But he tries and I can’t take that away from him. But I wouldn’t say no to extra cuddles right now! I’m trying to push through my mornings as much as I can and then chill out once he goes to work. He leaves around 2 for 2nd shift so I push for about 7 hours.

I know its hard pushing, and waiting in anticipation for him to go to work… almost like loosening your belt after a big meal. You love him but once he’s gone then you can let that armour fall away and just be you. Take it easy. Pushing requires a lot of energy, so rest up in the afternoon for as long as you can ❤

What an incredible description of what it’s like to suffer from BP. I lost two very good friends who were PB and at the time I had no idea what was going on with them. Its only been about ten years since coming to terms with my own issues that I’ve started to realise what they were going through. I do visit Claya’s blog often as she is an amazing writer and conveys strongly her feelings about PB.

I stumbled upon this post and I absolutely love it. I have a few family members (including my mother) who suffer from Bipolar and I struggle to understand it and help everyday. The way you have explained it here is very similar to what I’ve heard before, but your example of the sleepless day is very enlightening! Thank you for writing this!

Mental health blog by a service user with bipolar disorder. Winner of the Mark Hanson Awards for Digital Media at the Mind Media Awards 2013 and the Mood Disorder category in the 2012 This Week in Mentalists Awards.