Help Us Name the New Exoplanet and Win a Free Download of Blood Incantation’s Starspawn

Yesterday morning, scientists from the European Southern Observatory announced the discovery of a new, Earth-like, and potentially habitable planet orbiting the (relatively) close star Proxima Centauri within the red dwarf’s Goldilocks habitable zone. Although the team of European scientists, who have seen evidence of the planet since 2013 and just published a confirmation of the new system in Nature, will likely be allowed to name the planet, we, as a chiefly American blog, don’t think those European nerds should have the last say. That’s why we’re turning to you to help us pick the name of our new home whenever our own star burns out and destroys Earth. If you come up with something especially good, you’ll even be awarded by the Toilet and the greater scientific community (probably) with a free download of the excellent new album from Blood Incantation.

The rules are fairly simple. Just comment below with your suggested name and a description of what sort of things you think the nanoprobes that astronomers want to send to the planet in 2060 will discover. I’m partial to naming the planet Mr. Pipey. Rather than finding any life on the surface of the planet, I think scientists will see the planet itself is alive, just chilling out in space, smoking a pipe and wearing a monocle. It would be like the Marvel character Ego, the Living Planet, except interesting and gentlemanly, full of intriguing anecdotes of stars going nova and cats getting into interstellar mishaps.

Yeah, that’s the stuff.

Alternatively, we could call our future home Mr. In Your Planet 7. Maybe the probes will discover that Macho Man Randy Savage never died but is instead thriving on Mr. In Your Planet 7, snapping into an eternal supply of Slim Jims while ensconced on a throne of forgotten dad rock laserdiscs launched into orbit.

Anyway, the task of naming this planet does not fall upon my shoulders. Each of you must put forth an idea for the peer review of your esteemed colleagues. The most highly voted entry by 12:00 am, Monday (the 29th) will win the free download.