January 21, 2017

Don’t Sell Yourself Short, Ken

That’s right, Ken. Don’t feel stupid. Better safe than sorry. Bring me any of your concerns and ol’ Gil will go ahead and level charges at students with impunity. Nobody in Milford ever displays any concern about the actions this school takes with respect to the concerns for the students’ rights or their privacy.

This strip is really the ultimate in filler. Yeah, Aaron, we got it. Her name is Molly. She’s not the drug that kids take so they can tolerate that boring techno crap that goes on until dawn. Also, the readers have already been asking this question for as long as the poorly telegraphed Molly ruse has been unfolding. What’s the deal with Flake Aaron?

P1: Captain Kangaroo: “Coach, don’t tell Aardvark but we overheard him talking about Molly and cocaine in the locker room the other day after my workout on the treadmill. Then Mr. Green Jeans found a couple of couple of white bags in his trunk. Greenie did get a search warrant. In fact, Dancing Bear danced a jig about Constituional rights on the show the other day just to cover our as-, er, sorry, there might be kids in the locker room bathroom stalls, private parts. Then Mr. Moose and Bunny Rabbit saw Aardvark at the Milford McDonald’s parking lot exchanging something with a couple of guys with shades. We called the police. Me and Mr. Green Jeans sang a ditty with Greenie strumming on his banjo about never directly confronting the Mafia. We tried to get Don Corleone on the show to drive home the point but, just the same, I just want to cover my whim-whim.”

If this ends the whole Aagard story and it is just basketball from here on out… I’m fine with that.

Probably my favorite basketball season of the post-Berrill era was 2001-2002. Yes, the Mudlarks went undefeated and won the state championship… but that’s all the season was really about. Sure, there were other story arcs thrown in there (the David Greene-Alicia Johnson relationship in particular), but they played out in the background. The big deal was whether or not the basketball team could keep winning.

Heck, even the following season kept the team’s performance at the forefront for much of its duration, and it featured one of Jerry B. Jenkins’ very special episodes about teen pregnancy.

Ken: “I feel sort of stupid, coach”.
Gil: “You’ll get used to it. I did. Anyhow, it’s not so bad to be proven wrong. Like that time I thought I remembered Mimi and I having had kids”.
Ken: “Actually …”
Gil: “Can’t imagine where that came from”.
Ken: Okay. But there’s still the question – why is Aaron so inconsistent and unreliable?”
Gil: “Well, he’s sixteen, and Johnny Manziel would think he stays out too late on weekends. Maybe we don’t need to spend any more time on that. We’ll give up on our readers and just run filler for a month while Rubin tries to think of a plot for the baseball story”.

Drill it into our head. Day 4, this is Molly. Please remind us on Monday . Why is he inconsistent? I’m not sure. We only watch in still frames. But one thing I do know. If a player averages 18pts a game he may score 18 one game, 7 another and 28 in still yet another. Or something like that.

Ah, yes, we’ve unmasked Mr. Wrestling #2 in the ring(perhaps) but Miss Marple still has work to do even if the murderer has been identified. She still has to determine if Aardvark’s productivity(or lack thereof) is a result of iron-poor blood, not enough Wheaties, bad practice habits, poor grooming, erectile dysfunction(Coach Thorp: “Aardvark, have you tried Viagra? It works wonders when I need a lift, emotionally and otherwise, especially at the Playdowns”), scurvy, malaria, ad infinitum.
P3: “Coach, now that we know that Peter Parker is Spider-Man, it still doesn’t explain why his Spidey webs won’t stick. He almost broke his neck trying to flip from the jungle gym. God, I’d hate to see him splat attempting to swing from the Empire State Building to the Milford Plaza Towers.”
P1: Captain Kangaroo(cont.): “…and Grandfather Clock saw him in a frenzy at the KTN gig. Initially he thought one of those levitating boobs conked him a la King Tut on Batman but then he noticed a wad in his back pocket.”
Today’s headline from the Milford Enquirer
“Post-The Bachelor: A Happy Closure For Heather.”
“Heather: ‘I’ve Moved On From Aardvark. I Run My Own Football Clinic Now.”

and none of his team mates knew he had a girlfriend? She never went to a game? or the Bucket? Rubin could not have put out more red herrings, unless he had her named Heroin. Also….there is no way he’s reeling in a girl with that flock of seagulls hairdo……does he sleep under a bridge? He has no adult supervision…his weekend starts at the bell on Friday and ends when he stumbles into school on Monday morning. What ever happened with the missing wallet?