The More Religious Spouse

What to do when she wants Shabbos and he wants the football game.

What to do when most of us want to learn and grow. We may take classes and read books, all in an effort at self-improvement. Some of us find our way to the wisdom of the Torah and the tools for growth it promotes. We thus begin a deep and profound journey, a truly life-changing one.

Embarking on this voyage as a married couple can be very exciting. The wisdom and insights can deepen your relationship, and learning and growing together is a special experience not many couples are privileged to enjoy.

But what if it doesn’t work quite like that? What if your excitement isn’t shared by your spouse? What if it’s viewed as “his thing” (as one woman said, “It’s better than buying a corvette and moving to a bachelor pad at the marina!”) or her hobby?

What if you can’t share the new ideas you’re learning because your husband is actually more interested in Monday Night Football? What if Shabbos in your home isn’t quite like you’ve experienced elsewhere because your wife only participates reluctantly or not at all? Struggles like these are not uncommon. What can you do about it?

A strong, healthy marriage built on mutual respect can accommodate individuals with differing viewpoints on their Jewish growth.

Unfortunately conflict over growth in Judaism can sometimes be played out in the marriage itself. I think the most important initial recognition is this: Judaism is not causing the conflict; existing fissures in the marriage are. Or, to put it more positively, a strong, healthy marriage built on mutual respect can accommodate individuals with differing viewpoints on their Jewish growth.

So the place to begin -- before even talking about your Jewish life -- is with your marriage itself. Be interested in your spouse. Be attentive to their needs. Be respectful of their wishes. Ask about their goals and dreams. Find ways and strategies to resolve conflicts reasonably and amicably. Be loving and caring. Be kind and solicitous.

Then, and only then, can you talk about your growth in Torah observance.

I know it’s a tall order. But it’s the crucial foundation for all growth to come.

He's a Different Person!

A person once said to me, “I married one person, a non-religious, driven businessman, and I woke up and overnight he has become someone else -- a religious Jew who has slowed down his pace to make time for learning and praying.” There are two fallacies in this statement. One is that your spouse has become another person and two is that it happened overnight.

Most of us (I hope) don’t marry a doctor or a lawyer or a businessman on account of their profession. We don’t think their career is the essence of who they are. We marry our spouses for their character. We are interested in them because they are kind and loyal, honest and easy-going, fun-loving and with a good sense of humor -- you have your list. These basic internal qualities don’t change. If you choose well, these qualities will only be heightened and further developed through involvement in Jewish learning. If God forbid you didn’t choose well, if you are one of those smart people who made foolish choices, don’t blame the Torah.

And it is an exaggeration to say that it happened overnight. If it seems that way to you, it’s because you weren’t paying attention, you weren’t listening, you weren’t expressing true interest in your spouse’s life. This, fortunately, can be easily remedied. Show interest, ask questions, be open. You might be surprised by what you discover.

Being Held Back

Many people complain that they'd become more observant but their spouse is holding them back. People may sincerely believe that their spouse is placing obstacles in their way. Yet here it would be helpful to recognize that there are many mitzvot that can be done without your spouse’s assistance -- starting with saying blessings, praying, putting on tefillin.

When you are working on your marriage (basic step one), when you have used the tools from Torah to strengthen your character and enhance your marriage (step two) and when you have mastered the list (and it’s a long one) of mitzvot you can do without your spouse (step three), then we can discuss how to grow further in the challenging circumstances of your particular home!

It's true that it's easier if the wife is the more observant one since, generally speaking, she's primarily running the home. Shabbos and keeping kosher are taken care of. But I’ve seen it happen the other way around as well. It may require a little more effort on the man’s side, but if your wife is focused on your happiness, if Jewish observance is presented in terms of love and not coercion, it can work. I know men who do the shopping and cooking to ensure that their home is a kosher one and I think those wives think they have a very good deal!

With Patience and Love

It is crucial to present Jewish observance and your new-found relationship with God and Torah in a loving way. Sometimes a newcomer’s enthusiasm and zeal overwhelm the other party. Sometimes we mistakenly try to impose our views on others instead of gently and patiently explaining them. Needless to say this is not an effective strategy.

One frequent concern about a home in which parents have differing levels of observance is how it will affect the children. This is of course a legitimate worry to which there are two answers and no guarantees (there are no guarantees when both parents are fully committed either).

How we behave -- and the character we exhibit -- demonstrates whether or not we are truly on a journey toward spiritual growth.

The first point to recognize is that the most fundamental lesson your children will learn about marriage and the Torah’s impact on it will be reflected in how you treat each other. If you show your children that you love and respect each other, that behavior will leave a permanent impact that will ultimately bring them closer to Judaism. Conversely, if you constantly yell at your spouse and berate them for their lack of observance, the end result should be obvious -- and not good.

The final and perhaps most important point of all is that you need to trust in the Almighty. Everything is in His hands. If you make your best, most patient, most understanding, most loving effort you can with your spouse and your children, He will take care of the rest.

We may not know why we each face our particular challenges -- why wealth is someone else’s challenge and poverty another’s, why someone enjoys perfect health and another suffers. Likewise we don’t why that other couple seems to have grown at the same pace while we seem to struggle. And we have no control over it. All we can control is our behavior.

How we behave – and the character we exhibit -- demonstrates whether or not we are truly on a journey toward spiritual growth. Our personal example will have the deepest impact of all on our life partner.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 36

(34)
Leo,
April 20, 2016 1:19 AM

Love and limits

I do appreciate the answer... but I do believe, like Shoshana and some others, that there are limits. My wife and I have been happily married for 20 years, have five wonderful children. Our life was orthodox. Then my wife went off the derech (started smoking and phoning Shabbos, stopped praying, stopped fasting...). She still keeps taharat ha-mishpaha, but just because of me. So I should feel love, but my feeling is actually quite different: I MUST have failed to give what I ought to have during all these years. Shabbos ! How can she ? I know the song "all you need is love" and sometimes indeed, love works in unexpected ways. But my heart remains broken. Regarding the comment about Rabbi Shalom Arush, I pray every day that my wife will return (teshuva) and that HaShem will reunite us to serve Him in Torah and Mitsvoth. Every single day.

(33)
Raphael,
April 1, 2014 11:07 AM

One proven solution

In The Garden of Peace, Rabbi Shalom Arush gives a beautiful solution to this dilemma, which is all so common in this age of tshuva. First, the more more religious spouse needs to demonstrate ( in actions) that Judaism has made him/her a better, more loving spouse. Criticism for not becoming more religious, is OUT. Second, he/she must engaga in daily persoanl prayer, that the lagging spouse get into Judaism, as well.

(32)
Nancy,
March 30, 2014 11:14 PM

To Laurie Dinerstein Kurs--Your comments really make me angry!! You strike me as someone who wants what she wants exactly when she wants it, and exactly how she wants it. In my marriage I am the more religious spouse. I am however, very cognizant of Shalom Bayit. My spouse and I each make an effort to meet one another half way. Alas, my kitchen is (not yet) kosher but I hope that will change one day.

(31)
Anonymous,
February 9, 2014 5:10 AM

thank you

I appreciated one of this author's advice in particular, which is to ensure that we observe ALL the mitzvot we can by ourselves before we claim that our spouse is the one holding us back. But having said that I can appreciate that it is probably harder when it is the husband who wants to become observant because of the time bound nature of the law men must keep.Someone here commented that it is the wife that has more influence on how the family goes , I hope I can.And of course, we must do what is in our power but also trust in G-d as Mrs Braverman stated. In a way the dilemma has has helped me to grow and has confirmed my love for Judaism. Thank you for always making such helpful lessons accessible to us.

(30)
BatyA,
February 2, 2014 12:29 PM

I have a similar situation. I'm dating a guy who is secular while I'm a baal teshuva. He's very open to my lifestyle. I just wish everyone around me
Would leave me alone about my decision in dating
Him.. It's very stressful. Everyone keeps telling me it will not work out..

(29)
Shoshana- Jerusalem,
January 23, 2013 8:41 PM

There are limits

The best thing for sure is to try to work things out in a loving, peaceful manner. If you want to keep Shabbos and he doesn't, perhaps you could come to an agreement that he won't turn on the t.v. in the room where you are sitting, or something like that. But even if he won't agree, you can still keep Shabbos. But kashrut, is a little different, because if he will mix up the meat and milk utencils, for example, you will not be able to eat in your own house. While if it's kosher, he can eat there. So this might be a little more difficult to work out. I knew a family that the kitchen was strictly kosher but downstairs, in the t.v. room the kids has their own setup where they ate what they wanted, with their own sink and refrig. I think that was a tragedy but it might be some sort of a compromise. BUT when it comes to taharat hamishpcha, laws of Family Purity, there cannot be any compromise, because one cannot expect the more observant one to live in sin until his/her spouse agrees to keep these laws. And the sad comment (#2) shows what can happen in such a case, Gd. forbid.

(28)
Jonathan,
April 19, 2010 5:57 PM

You can not

You can not cram religion down someone's throat. The key to a happy marriage is "ACCEPTANCE" not "CHANGE".

(27)
Anonymous,
February 3, 2010 5:37 AM

Good advice for dating

What a wonderful article! I am a senior at Barnard College, and many friends of mine are becoming engaged and married as we are all in our 20s. The problem I am facing is that the boy I have been dating for the past four years (we met 7 years ago, when we were 13) is not as Traditional as I am. I know I will keep a Kosher home, of course, but whenever we discuss marriage the issue of observance always appears. For instance, I observe shomer Shabbos while he will happily stay at home on Friday night, and often has Shabbos at my home (my parents), I know he is not sure about even some very basic observances. When we met he was more religious, my mother says that people change, and I should learn to move on, but maybe I can teach my children to love Torah as much as I do, without having a very religious husband? this is so confusing sometimes, it's nice to know I;m not the only one thinking about it.

Tiferet,
October 15, 2013 5:49 PM

Good Luck

The woman affects the man more. It take a lot of acceptance and change can only be done by ones self. Of course a good Rav should be consulted. Good Luck!

Anonymous,
September 27, 2016 7:02 AM

Similar situation

I'm in a very similar situation. Did your relationship work out and if so can you give some advice on how you both managed the relationship?

(26)
Kayla,
January 28, 2010 9:16 PM

Judaism isn't the problem, but some outreach methods are

I agree with the author that Judaism isn't the problem. But from my experience, some outreach organizations (not Aish!) and some rabbis' approaches are (part of) the problem. Mrs. Braverman, the change CAN be "overnight," e.g. when a spouse announces he & the children can no longer spend Passover/Thanksgiving/Shabbat with the Jewish-but-not-the-right-kind-of-Jewish in-laws anymore. Or when the spouse says the sedar must start at 9:30pm and too bad that the kids will be asleep by then. Or better yet, he says the wife must keep the kids awake and their bad temperments the next day are her problem because he "has to be" at shul. Or when the spouse says he has to show the rabbi the wife's body fluids so the rabbi can determine whether they can have relations that night. The outreach rabbis can enable these black & white, unilateral spousal decisions by congratulating the baal teshuva on his/her bold commitments and by assuring the baal teshuva that Hashem approves of & rewards this righteous behavior. The baal teshuva can then feel very justified and self-righteous in "improving" the family by insisting on immediate and all-encompassing change. In my outreach community, there is no talk of easing into things or prioritizing mitzvot observance or waiiing until both spouses are on-board. Yes, my community has a great record of creating baal teshuvas, but we also have relationship strife and divorce in which the "less-observant" spouse is still modern orthodox and/or significantly observant. Having been reform (growing up) and orthodox (now), I see much more baseless hatred from the Orthodox as evidenced by their lack of recognition of and tolerance for anything other than their self-proclaimed "authentic Judaism." My and many friends' parents grew up orthodox and they say it looked nothing like this very sweet but sheltered, undereducated (secularly), cult-like-at-times, judgmental community.

(25)
Anonymous,
January 22, 2010 5:28 PM

To comment 14 Anonymous

THANK YOU so much for your comment. Extremely helpful. I am the wife who wants to become more observant and my husband, whos is jewish, is an atheist. I have asked multiple times about making the house Kosher but he wont do it. I now see that I really shouldnt ask. I just need to focus on myself. Maybe start going to Mikvah and just doing mitzvahs and maybe one day he will show up as your husband did to temple because his family is there. Again- THANK YOU!

(24)
Margarita,
January 15, 2010 12:52 PM

not easy

I think that your article is not very right, sorry. I am not sure about experiences that you had (if you had those), but each family is different and for my liking your article is a bit black and white. i have to agree with Bobby - there are beautiful middles and there is no need to make a replica of yourself out of your spouse. one more very quick note - many families are going to be in financial trouble if they would just "grow". somehow i have to start pretending that the rest of the world does not exist, my children have to go to the religious school and since i cannot be another teacher at the school - i would have problems finding job. now consider how many men are not working now and just study day and night (it is great that they study, but life if very different).
growth is wonderful, but there is no need to keep on negging your half into anything else (and sorry that what i see in it - grow and neg - maybe he/she will change too).
before putting someone down - stop and think. i can assure you that there are good families where spouses are able to accept each other rather than loose marriage because one wants to change the other.

(23)
Bobby 5000,
January 14, 2010 12:43 PM

Be careful of criticizing good people

As the husband, I am the more religious. One day my wife was not available to come to temple and internally I sneered. My wife works hand at a demanding job and also takes care of the children (now older).
She had an off-day, an opportunity to catch-up, but she chose to help a friend go to chemotherapy and share lunch together. I am sure it was difficult, the woman was very upset, but my wife spent the day with her. That type of care provides an important model.
My son is an outstanding and popular high-school athlete just starting college. He came home and made arrangements with another boy to take a disabled child to dinner. That kid had admired my son for his athletic accomplishments.
If you have a spouse who is a good person, be gentle and recognize the good things he or she does.

(22)
Dana Parkoff,
January 14, 2010 12:42 AM

A very important article!

Your article is full of WISDOM!!! Every married person (and single for that matter!) can learn from this!

(21)
Anonymous,
January 13, 2010 8:13 PM

Thanks Laurie D-K - I agree with you

I agree with Laurie (comment #7) and I have as much pent up frustration as she seemingly has. I appreciate the article broaching the topic, but the article's solutions are from the religious person's perspective. My husband and I started out "growing" together but he went way to the right, way too fast (for me). I ended up resenting so many of the rules, demands, requirements, etc. For me, being Orthodox is a full-time job in itself and often painfully illogical (e.g. I send my kids to an expensive orthodox school that doesn't even match their learning styles/needs).

(20)
BT Husband,
January 13, 2010 2:59 AM

No easy answers

The author points out that "it's easier if the wife is the more observant," and I agree. No matter how strong the relationship was to begin with, as the husband grows in observance, he may find himself taking on more and more postitive, time-bound mitzvot that require time away from his wife and his children. Shabbat, holidays, daily prayer, Torah study...All of these commitments demand time in a husband's schedule, and if his wife and children do not participate at even a minimum level, the family members may find themselves drifting further and further apart. Depending on the age of the children, the couple may find themselves in profound disagreement about education and values. Once the issue of Taharat HaMishpacha comes up, the couple may find themselves in a situation where it is not possible for them to continue living together. These are difficult scenarios, and one should not try to navigate them without guidance from a wise and understanding Rav. And yes, remember to pray for siyata diShmaya (Heavenly help)...it is all in Hashem's hands.

(19)
a. m.,
January 12, 2010 5:17 PM

to anon/sad

to anon/sad: no one said that the more religious spouse is the "bad one'. it's just that if you're trying so hard to be religious, then you need to know that being respectful and understanding of a spouse is just as much of a mitzvah as keeping shabbos/kosher/anything else. it's just that it's a much harder one! don't get discouraged- if your actions reveal a joy and inner happiness in what you do, then you'll never be seen as harming anyone else. it's when the anger from the everyone-is-out-to-sabotage-me thoughts get in the way that we lose focus. it was very hard for me to become for religious in a family that wasn't as much so, but it was worth it to try to be happy in what i was doing, and now, years later, those same people see that i'm happy and am truly rewarded for it! good luck!

(18)
Anonymous,
January 12, 2010 3:12 AM

It takes hard work and patience

When I was dating, the last thing I wanted to do was go out with or marry a religious girl... but Hashem had other plans. I found my soulmate but she was (what I considered at the time) to be religious. We decided to marry and laid down some ground rules - kosher house (I could have trief in the shed or when eating out), try not to work on shabbat (but would could go for drives or spend it together) but no family purity or other "frummy" stuff.
My wife never pressured me however when we moved to a different city I met a different orthodox community that was welcoming and helped open me up. When I returned home we moved into a religious neighbourhood and our neighbour introduced me to a rabbi who I started learning with.
Let's say there were fits and starts as I found it very difficult to keep certain mitzvot such as kosher and shabbat. However with perseverance and commitment I was able to get through the challenges. The real test came a few years ago when my uncle invited me out to eat some prawns and seafood that he was sure I was missing out on. I went with him, ate and wondered what I did that for. This stuff wasn't anything special - in fact it was just food. From that time on I was able to keep kosher. Similarly with wine (which took a bit longer). I found kosher wine fairly poor quality but then when I had a sip of ordinary wine I found it was no better. There was nothing special about non-kosher wine (in fact it turns out I really don't like wine much anyway).
Shabbat was more of a challenge but my rabbi suggested focusing on what I can do (read, go for walks, spend time with my wife and family) rather than on what I was supposedly missing out on. It took work but now I can relax and enjoy shabbat.
There are a few things I have learnt.
1) It takes commitment and work to become religious
2) Do it gradually
3) There really isn't anything special in the secular world that you are missing out on and if you don;t believe it try it for yourself.

(17)
anon,
January 11, 2010 10:34 PM

sad

I think it is a sad state of affairs to hear "it's the spouse becoming religious that's caused all the problems" - as if they've gone off and done something terrible! I suppose if a spouse decided to become less religious the cry would be, "oh, that's OK", in the name of "political correctness". I'm soooo tired of being the "bad guy" (esp. my ILs think so, but that's a power thing for them).

(16)
Anonymous,
January 11, 2010 9:57 PM

Thank you thank you thank you...you mean I'm not the only one???

I'm the "more religious" one. We started off by growing together...keeping Shabbos together and we still keep Shabbos together B"H. But he says I grew to fast and now he's upset saying that I didn't include him in the decision to move forward. At least he's a total mench and I would love to remember your words about having patience and kindness.

(15)
Esther,
January 11, 2010 3:42 PM

Note about "Bat Mitzvah"

This article and comments are interesting. But I found one comment to be so painful - that an adult reader "became bat mitzvah 2 1/2 years ago". Unfortunately, it is such a common misconception that one needs a special ceremony to "become" a bar or a bat mitzvah. In Judaism, all Jewish females aged 12 and all Jewish males aged 13 and up are automatically "Bat Mitzvah's" and "Bar Mitzvah's", that is, legal adults on whom all the Jewish commandments are incumbent!

(14)
Anonymous,
January 11, 2010 3:39 PM

It's all give and take

A Rabbi once told me--and I think Emunah echoes this in her article--that he had never seen a marriage start to have problems because of one spouse becoming more observant, unless the marriage already had some cracks to begin with. Anyone who decides to become more observant has to behave in a way that honors and respects his/her spouse. Shalom Bayit (peace in the home) has to be #1 and your marriage your first priority. Living in a more spiritual dimension is about elevating your soul and refining your character traits. The observance of the mitzvot should be a means to this end, a path that you are taking to improve yourself and add value to your life. Shoving religion down the other person's throat is definitely not the way to go, and it's definitely not a mitzvah. It's all a matter of give and take, making it a gradual (sometimes over many years) transition that doesn't isolate you or your spouse from the life they once knew and enjoyed. When I first started becoming more observant, I would take my kids to shul every Shabbat and my husband would do his own thing. Even though I wanted him to join us, I didn't complain. I felt that he was giving me the freedom to do what I wanted, and I was allowing him to do it his way. So you can imagine my shock when after many months, one Shabbat morning he just showed up at shul. He said, "my whole family is here, I figured what was I doing alone?" That was the beginning. Now it's many years later, and we are observant... but still not exactly in the same place. For example, when we travel, he wants to do stuff on Shabbat--after all, why waste a day of vacation?--and I want to stay shomer shabbat ... so we've agreed to do things that don't technically break shabbat, like hike or picnic or visit a museum... and we're both happy. That is just one example of how we've navigated this path, each honoring the other's level of observance, never putting dogma ahead of our respect for one another.

(13)
Anonymous,
January 11, 2010 3:12 PM

I was a child in a family like this

My parents are both good people. However, when my dad became religious, it caused a lot of major problems. As a teenager, I felt sorry for both of them. For my dad, who went to synagogue and community events, always alone. For my mom, who greatly missed their evenings out on weekends to movies, dinners with friends, and weekend vacations. Their marriage was decent but how they wanted to spend their free time was at a complete polar opposite, and to this day, I don't think there is a clear answer. My parents are still married but their situation still makes me sad at times.

(12)
Anonymous,
January 11, 2010 2:25 PM

a friend with this problem

I don't know what private discussions and compromises have been made along the way. I DO know that when the father is away, he worries that Shabbat is not kept iby his family. He lost the battle for religious schools for his children. His son refuses to wear a kipa. It is very painful to watch.

(11)
Karen,
January 11, 2010 2:02 PM

Hoping this will help my husband and I

Thanks!! I sent this to my husband - the less observant one, agnostic, in fact - and hope he will really read it. I am going to take some of it to heart as well, such as how I present my new-found joy. I am not "so observant" as to have a kosher home and not wear pants, but I became bat mitzvah 2 1/2 years ago (we've been married 19 years), can read Hebrew and don't work on Shabbat, unless it's in a religious setting. He IS learning the Torah blessings and Shehecheyanu for our son's bar mitzvah in four months.
Anonymous, I wouldn't worry if they miss Shabbat 2 or 3 times a year and I know quite a few people who keep a kosher home but eat treif outside (though not shellfish or pork).

(10)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2010 10:03 PM

easy to say hard to do

I want a more observant home, but my wife still allows the kids to eat treife outside the house, and miss Shabbes in its entirety 2-3 times a year for ski trips or other events that conflict.

(9)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2010 8:09 PM

This blessed me greatly.

This article was so helpful, sensitive, and real and so true. It is so true that we could focus on our observance or obedience and trust the rest with Hashem. Thanks, it greatly blessed me.

(8)
Laurie Dinerstein-Kurs,
January 10, 2010 7:34 PM

Paert TWO - one marriage - two religions

If a partner is accustomed to watching TV on Shabbos AND has ABSOLUTELY NO interest in changing their ways...does the tv stay on out of respect for the originakl agreement or is one expected to give up THEIR ways to accomodate? When Shabbos ends at 9PM - is it thoughtful to insist they give up their usual Saturday night activities and do nothing, watch nothing and listen to nothing when Shabbos carries no sacredness to them? How flexible is a BT going to be? To be fair to both - are they going to alternate weekends..Shabbos on and Shabbos off? Who is being asked to do all the changing and bending? And to disguise this "asking" in the guise of a caring and considerate spouse is a rouse...One spouse has changed all the rules without the agreement to the change by the other. In no other arena would this fly as respectable behaviour.
To assume thqt the non religious spouse has to do all the bending and to be ever so flexible and understanding is in rality asking a spouse to break the mutually agreed to contract as they both knew it and understood it when they entered into the marriage.
When for years the tradition has been sharing meals at long time friends homes now becomes a no-no becaue the friends do not keep kosher homes.....everyone is impacted. What about family meals at holidays??? Does the non-religious spouse now go to these festive occasions and simchas alone as if they were single - after all, there is mixed seating and dancing.
If the non-religious spouse NEVER heard of Tahara Mishpaacah and is angered by rules they have no say in....who gets to call the shots and who has NO say?
The list is endless - and the list is anything but simplsitic.

(7)
Laurie Dinerstein-Kurs,
January 10, 2010 7:32 PM

One home-two religions - Part ONE

If only the suggestions posed by Emuna were as simplistic as they sound. When two people marry, and they are comfortable and compatible in the lifestyle they have chosen together, it is unrealistic and unfair to put an onus on the partner who has NOT voluntarily changed the game plan. If keeping kosher was not in the original "by laws" of their understanding...then to suggest a caring partner will now readily forego their favorite gourmet delights in their own home is a huge and faulty assumption. Resenting being told what they can and cannot have and what - with a myriad of foreign and unwanted rules - they can and cannot do in their own kitchen does not bode well.
To put the unsuspecting spouse - (were they warned at the outset of the marriage that the rules WILL totally change?) - in the position that because THEIR spouse has changed - so must they. And to assert that any caring and loving spouse would just delight in having their world turned upside down - without having a say, is absurd. The argument would go even further if the UNreligious partner is angered by the religious spouse causing a jump in the food bill to not be an issue. Unkosher chicken at $.89 a lb. and steaks at $2.99 lb and chopped meat for 1/2 the price of kosher is reality. Kosher Ice cream is so much more, as is cheese. Normal staples that had been affordable now can ruin a checking account.

(6)
Lisa Aiken,
January 10, 2010 6:32 PM

The Baal Teshuva Survival Guide

Jews in hundreds of cities face this issue, and I have had the opportunity to speak to a number of them. How couples face this is sufficiently complex that I felt it important to discuss in depth in my book, The Baal Teshuva Survival Guide. I highly recommend it for people in such a situation. It also covers other interpersonal issues that baalei teshuva face, among other issues.

(5)
Ploni,
January 10, 2010 6:03 PM

What about the other way around?

The title of the article is "The More Religious Spouse" but the article only deals with a spouse who grew in religion after the wedding. I understand this site is mainly geared for those growing in their observance, but what about the situation where two observant people get married and one of them decides to take a step back? How does the spouse maintain their values without being controlling and irresponsive to personal change and growth in their spouse? Maybe some material for a future article...

(4)
ruth,
January 10, 2010 5:14 PM

the truth about sports and Judaism

I don't watch football, probably because my parents didn't do this, and my father wasn't "into sports", but if I had been born into a different family, perhaps the contagion would have also infected me.
I have deeply immersed myself in spiritual thinking and I am quite convinced, as stated by Rigler in one of the articles here, that we are part of providence, and that what we are handed is what we move through, in life, the obstacles, the pain and the beauty. So whatever choices we made, ultimately are about learning.
Now I also know, deeply, that life is a game of baseball, and that it's about give and take, about pitching, and about home runs. We can extrapolate from all these games, a story that is deeply metaphoric that connects to our very own spiritual experiences. So to imagine, baseball, football, hockey, or tennis (we have "love" in tennis jargon) is NOT about spirituality, is to miss something deep.
God created a universe that is ONE, and deep truths, the sportsmanship we learn in all games, is part of the spirituality of simply, being alive. To be alive to all creation as one deeply beautiful symphony, and not in separate parts, is to see that one's husband's football game is also as deeply important as putting on tefillin.

(3)
Rachel,
January 10, 2010 4:17 PM

YES!!!

Thank you for this article. We've "been there, done that". I do have to add, however, that the ongoing dilemma for me, the more observant spouse, is the way we are perceived in the community. I know situations where it's the other way around -- Orthodox husband, less-observant wife -- and that seems to be more accepted because the husband's more public role makes everyone assume that the family is fully Orthodox. In my case, because my husband is not a regular shul-goer, there are people who have told me they will not eat in my home because they're afraid it's not really kosher, did not let their kids come to our home on Shabbat because they might see my husband working, etc. That in turn has caused some alienation of my children, not from their devoted parents but from an Othodox community that THEY see as judgmental and unwelcoming. Any ideas about how t fix that???

(2)
Michal Evenari,
January 10, 2010 2:51 PM

Sometimes Hashem Himself gets into the picture

We had exactly that. I wanted to learn more and keep the mitzvot, but my husband had something against the "orthodox" from childhood.He helped me changing our home into a kosher one. But when I felt, he did not like to do much more, I hesitated also. I loved him so much, I would never have done something, what would give him negative feelings in any way.
Hashem looked down on us and simply took my husband from me, taking his soul away within a second, while we were on holiday in Italy (fulfilling his wish to die one day while windsurfing.) When I came home - alone - there was a little paper on the dining room table: "Please, my
loved one, be religious for the two of us! I think it is planned like this from heaven". He had written it before we went to our holiday.
I fulfilled his wish and mine. I - because of love - did not obey my wishes. (And Gods wishes). So He simply took his soul away to olam haba. More than five years are gone since then. I live an observant life, but I am sad and lonely without him.
So, if you are the one who wants to live more religious,
talk to your husband, perhaps he is not so much against it.
Don't think: "I can't do that, when he/she dislikes it." Just start. Hashem will help you. Don't wait, so that God will take your loved one away from you! He knew that I never would have done it because of loving consideration. But now I know that this was wrong.
And I am (what he wrote me) religious for the two of us.

(1)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2010 2:38 PM

At last, at last - THANK YOU!

Thank you so much, Mrs. Braverman, for writing on this topic. There is precious little that is available to give inspiration and strength to women (or men) in this situation. I'm going to print out this article and read it and reread it. At last, someone is even acknowledging that this problem exists at all, rather than trying to ignore it for fear that discussing it will scare away potential Baalei Tshuvas! G-d bless you and bless your own marriage and family.

I was born with a neuromuscular disease known as Spinal Muscular Atrophy and have been confined to a wheelchair my entire life. Unfortunately my sister and I were raised without any religious instruction or guidance. My father wasn't Jewish and although my mother is, she openly claims to be an atheist. The "good news" is that both my sister and myself - independent of each other and at different times in our lives - realized that we are Jewish and chose to live a Jewish life.

Because of my disability, I'm not always able to attend services on Shabbat, but I always light candles, pray from a Siddur and read the weekly Torah portion. I would like to know whether, considering my situation, if using a computer is allowed during the Sabbath? I found the complete Bible online and since my computer is voice-activated I don't have to struggle to turn pages or continuously ask for assistance.

Thank you to everyone at Aish.com for making it possible for myself and so many others to learn about being Jewish and grow in the most important part of our lives.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Thank you so much for your encouraging words and for sharing your inspiring story.

God gives each of us a set of challenges. To those more capable of conquering difficulties, He gave bigger challenges. A challenge from God is a sign that He cares about us and has confidence in our ability to become great.

It sounds like you're doing great!

As for using the computer on Shabbat, that is prohibited. A foundation of Judaism is that we need to respect God's wishes, even if we think that doing otherwise is "for a good reason." Consider this story:

A king calls in his trusted minister and says: "I have an important mission for you to perform. Go to the neighboring kingdom and meet in the palace with their leaders. But remember one thing - under no circumstances must you remove your shirt during this meeting. Now go and do as I say."

The minister sets off on his merry way and soon arrives at the neighboring kingdom. There he heads straight for the palace where he meets with the King. In the midst of their discussion, he sees some of the king's officers pointing and laughing at him.

"Why are you laughing?" asks the visiting minister.

"Because we've never seen someone with such a pronounced hunchback as yourself," they say.

"What are you talking about? I'm not a hunchback!"

"Of course you are!"

"No I'm not!"

"We'll bet you one million dollars that you are!"

"Fine - I'll gladly take your bet."

"Okay, so take off your shirt and prove it."

At which point the minister remembers the parting words of the king... "under no circumstances must you remove your shirt during the meeting." Yet, the minister reasons, a million dollars would certainly bring added wealth to the king's coffers. I know I'm not a hunchback, so I'll surely win the bet. Of course, under these circumstances the king would approve...

The minister removes his shirt and proudly displays his perfect posture. With pride in his achievement, he holds out his hand, into which is placed a check for one million dollars.

The minister can barely contain his excitement. He quickly ends the meeting and runs back to give the wonderful news to his king. "I earned you a million dollars!" exclaims the minister. "It was easy. I only had to remove my shirt to prove that I wasn't a hunchback."

"You did what?!" shouts the king. "But I told you specifically not to remove your shirt. I trusted that you'd follow instructions, and so I bet the other king $10 million dollars that he couldn't get you to remove your shirt!"

The Torah tells us "Do not add or subtract from the mitzvahs." (Deut. 4:2) Jewish law is a precise metaphysical science. Consider a great work of art. Would you consider adding a few notes to a Bach fugue, or some brushstrokes to a Rembrandt portrait?!

Perfection, by definition, cannot be improved upon. Altering Torah law is an unacceptable implication that God is lacking.

The verse in Psalms 19:8 declares: "Torat Hashem Temimah" - the Torah of God is complete. For just as adding one wire to a transistor radio means it no longer can pick up reception, so too we mustn't tinker with Jewish law. The mitzvahs of God are perfect.

May the Almighty give you strength to continue your growth in Judaism.

In 1315, King Louis X of France called back the Jews who had been expelled a few decades earlier by King Louis IX. This marked a theme in Jewish-French life: expulsions and subsequent invitations to return. The French monarchy was trying to establish their land as the "new Jerusalem," and to fulfill this mission attempted several crusades to Israel. In 1615, King Louis XIII ordered that Christians were forbidden to speak with Jews, upon penalty of death. Eventually, in 1683, King Louis XIV expelled the Jews from the colony of Martinique.

Focus on what you do want. Make your goal explicit. “My goal is to increase my moments of joy.” This way, every single moment of joy is a successful moment.

Celebrate each moment of joy. Be grateful every time you experience joy.

Having this goal will place your attention on joy. Instead of feeling bad when you are not joyful, you will experience positive feelings about experiencing more joy.

Each moment of joy in your entire life is experienced one moment at a time. You can’t have more than one moment of joy in any given moment, but you can increase the number of joyful moments. How? By focusing on it.

There is no person on earth so righteous, who does only good and does not sin (Ecclesiastes 7:20).

Reading the suggestions for ridding oneself of character defects, someone might say, "These are all very helpful for someone who has character defects, but I do not see anything about myself that is defective."

In the above-cited verse, Solomon states what we should all know: no one is perfect. People who cannot easily find imperfections within themselves must have a perception so grossly distorted that they may not even be aware of major defects. By analogy, if a person cannot hear anything, it is not that the whole world has become absolutely silent, but that he or she has lost all sense of hearing and may thus not be able to hear even the loudest thunder.

In his monumental work, Duties of the Heart, Rabbeinu Bachaye quotes a wise man who told his disciples, "If you do not find defects within yourself, I am afraid you have the greatest defect of all: vanity." In other words, people who see everything from an "I am great/right" perspective will of course believe that they do no wrong.

When people can see no faults in themselves, it is generally because they feel so inadequate that the awareness of any personal defects would be devastating. Ironically, vanity is a defense against low self-esteem. If we accept ourselves as fallible human beings and also have a sense of self-worth, we can become even better than we are.

Today I shall...

be aware that if I do not find things within myself to correct, it may be because I am threatened by such discoveries.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...