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Take chances. Abandon all the rules. Ditch the recipe. Color outside the lines.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Chick-fil-a Chats and An Uncomfortable Calling

One of the side effects of being a passion driven person,
such as myself, is a drive and pursuit of learning when it comes to what you
are passionate about. That coupled with
my slightly stubborn personality
makes it a rare occurrence when someone truly challenges my beliefs or way of
thinking. I am confident in what I believe
about grace and, in turn, who I believe God to be, that core will never be
shaken because I know it to be truth. There
are, however, rare and beautiful times when I find myself in belief challenging
conversations.

Now, when I say belief challenging it’s important to know what
I don’t mean by that. I don’t mean
discussions in which one side is attacking the other due to a difference of
beliefs. I don’t mean a discussion where
one or both parties call the other names (i.e. heretic, blasphemer, or
sinner). I definitely don’t mean
conversations in which the Bible is used to beat down instead of build up the
other person. Those are not belief challenging
conversations those are dysfunctional conversations where God accomplishes
nothing and Satan accomplishes everything.

I crave belief challenging conversations. Ones that are filled with extreme thoughts
and new outlooks. Ones that make me go
home and comb the tattered pages of my Bible researching. Ones that leave me without a definite answer.
Ones that end in hugs and thankfulness for differing opinions. Oh, how I love those discussions!

I felt so privileged to get to have one of those very
conversations this weekend with some, much smarter than me, fantastic people. We sat around the table at Chick-fil-a talking
about deep subjects that none of us agreed on and all tried to figure out some
of the more mysterious things about God together. None of us gasped at the others’ crazy
statements about God. No one was aghast
at someone else’s challenging comments.
We all left with new things to think about and we all left just as loved
by the others as when we sat down.

I drove home that night pensive and excited; I had so many
new things to learn about. That’s one of
the wonderfully frightening things about God, I think: That there is always more to learn about Him
and that He never chastises the one who comes looking. I really love that about Him.

I want desperately for everyone to experience that, for
everyone to have their thinking about God challenged and their passion for Him
awakened. The uncomfortable side to that
is hearing His voice, once again, call me to be the one who creates spaces of
learning for others around me. We’ve been
in this ongoing battle, me and Him, as He beckons me to ministry. The struggle of wanting everyone to
experience exciting conversations about grace and God but feeling inadequate to
initiate them rages within me. Usually
our conversations go something like this:

GOD: “Hey, Jess, let’s go do this thing!”

ME: “Umm.. no thanks.
I’m not really qualified for all that leading people and teaching them
about You stuff.”

GOD: “Sure you are! You’ll be great! Do you want me to like
knight you or something? I can do that.
I’m God.”

ME: “No thanks. Besides, women aren’t supposed to be pastors
and leaders and such, didn’t you read that part in Your book?”

GOD: “You never were very good at following the rules.”

ME: “I have NO idea what you're talking about! *ahem* I don’t know… I feel like
people wouldn’t really want to have me as a leader, I’m kinda a mess!

GOD: “I’ll bring some
towels.”

So it goes, the epic standoff. The truth of the matter is that I have plenty
of good excuses but not really any good reasons. My head knows that He’s got it all taken care
of, that He knows what He’s doing calling a mess like me to be His voice. The truth is I’m just afraid.

Afraid of not being very good at it but still loving it.

Afraid of being so excited to lead that I turn around and no
one is following me.

Afraid that I’ll build and ark and none of the animals will
show up.

It doesn’t make much sense really, God has a pretty good
track record when it comes to putting butts in the seats. I think it might be about time that I stopped
doubting my ability and start trusting His.
Wow, I squirmed in my seat a little just typing that. What kind of person would I be, after all, if
I called others to bravery while I cowered away from my calling? The kind of person I really dislike, that’s
who!

So… with shaking hands, witnessed by all you wonderful
people who read my ramblings, I am jumping onto this crazy ride without
seat belts. I think it’s time I saddled
up even though I’m scared to death (John Wayne would be proud). It’s time to forsake my comfort zone for a
new adventure. Anyone wanna tag along
for the ride?