Monday, June 13, 2016

Ladies First

This past week Hillary Clinton and I made history when Hillary became the first woman presidential nominee of a major party. You may be doubting that I had anything to do with this historic moment. Yeah, well, I have proof because Hillary sent me an e-mail. So there.

Shortly after Hillary and I made history, The Justice League got together to back us up and defeat Doomsday. The Justice League being Barrack Obama, Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren. Doomsday being @realDonaldTrump. (I considered going with Lex Luthor. Lex Luthor is an evil billionaire who becomes President. But Lex Luthor is also a genius, so... no.) President Obama sent me this e-mail informing me of the JLA's plans. Barry wanted me to be the first to know because he knows Hillary and I are tight.

As excited as I am about future President Hillary Rodham Clinton, I'm also super pissed it took us so long to get here. I mean, seriously, what the fuck, America? Rachel Maddow did a piece on the numerous nations which beat us to electing women to their highest offices. Check it out and you too will be saying, "What the fuck, America?"

Why has it taken us so long to nominate a woman? I don't know. Perhaps, it's because a man who bragged about his penis size during a presidential debate became the Republican nominee. And also, he's trying to date his daughter. What the fuck, America?

Hillary gave a great speech Tuesday night. She said things like, "I can stop a bullet cold, make the Axis fold, make a hawk a dove, stop a war with love. Change their minds and change the world...." Some of you may recognize the previous statements as lyrics to the Wonder Woman TV show theme song. That's what I heard in my head while she was talking. If you want to know what Hillary actually said, I'm sure you can find that on a reputable news site.

One day I'll be telling someone's grandchildren about Hillary's speech on this historic night. (I'm not having children. When I'm old I'll find random children and tell them about all the things I've seen in my life.) Immediately following Hillary's historic Amazon warrior speech, the cable news anchors, political pundits and Chris Hardball talked about how much better she'd become at speaking. More specifically, they felt she was better at controlling the volume of her voice. What the fuck, Chris Hardball? Does anyone remember when George W. Bush was President and he was really bad at speaking and also, governing? Bush invented his own fucking language. The only reason the Senate voted to go to Iraq is because they thought Bush asked who wants to go for a walk. It was a lovely day. Why would they say no?

After Hillary's historic win on that historic night in this great moment in history, she received the endorsements of Barrack Obama, Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren, a.k.a. The Justice League. Donald Trump received the endorsements of Don King and Roseanne Barr. Hey, Don King is still alive. Who knew? I sure as hell didn't.

There's been much speculation Hillary may pick Elizabeth Warren as our running mate. (Note to my brother who is editing this: I meant to say our, not her. Don't correct that. I told you Hillary and I are in this together. Pay attention.) Elizabeth Warren is tough and smart and possibly a descendant of Pocahontas according to Donald Trump. Trump thinks Pocahontas is an insult because he's super racist, but that actually makes Elizabeth Warren way cooler. I'm also fairly certain he doesn't realize Pocahontas was a real person and not a creation of The Walt Disney Company. (Trump is citing Don King's endorsement as proof he isn't racist, though no proof Don King is alive has been provided.)

As much as Hillary and I would love to have Elizabeth Warren as our running mate, we've been concerned America may not vote for two women. When it comes to electing women, we turn into one of those countries that stone women for exposing their ankles. And also, the Republican nominee brags about the size of his penis and people voted for that. What the fuck, America?

Though, as we head into the general election, Hillary and I are starting to believe we could actually win with two women on the ticket. We're getting endorsements by people who actually matter, who can make an impact and who fight for truth and justice in the American way. While Trump's been endorsed by a guy who may be dead and Roseanne. While I'm sure Roseanne's endorsement may carry a lot of weight with her other personalities, it doesn't mean shit to actual live people. And also, what the fuck, Roseanne?

It was pretty much written in the stars that Hillary would be the Democratic nominee this year, regardless of who the Republicans picked. But it's messed up that the only reason we can conceive of a female running mate as a viable possibility is because the Republican nominee is a ridiculous person. If Jeb Bush had won the Republican primary there's no way we'd even be talking about the possibility of Hillary and I picking Elizabeth Warren. And he's a Bush. What the fuck, America?

We're not going to let that get us down because Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren and I are Amazon Warrior bitches. We're going to be President soon. All that matters is what we do once we get in the Oval Office. And it just so happens I've been planning Hillary's agenda for her first one hundred days in office.

Donna Troy's Plan for Hillary Clinton's First One Hundred Days in Office

1.

On Day One, we will give every woman in America a raise. On Day Two, Bed Bath & Beyond stores nationwide will sell out of everything.

2.

Confirm Don King's death and notify the family.

3.

Assign Bill Clinton the task of redecorating the White House like many a First Lady before him.

4.

Sign an executive order canceling The Chris Hardball Show. If President Hillary Rodham Clinton isn't allowed to raise her voice, neither is he.

5.

Arrest Donald Trump for treason. I think we can safely assume if he doesn't say something mildly treasonous before November, he most certainly will when he loses to a woman.

6.

After Trump is in prison, seize his billions and billions of dollars worth of assets. Apply said assets to national debt. Economy fixed.

7.

Free tampons for everyone!

8.

Finally achieve peace in the Middle East by sending Oprah. The Oprah peace talks will involve encouraging the leaders of these nations to engage in a healthy dialogue where they learn to validate each other's feelings. Upon completion of feelings validation, each participant will receive a basket of Oprah's Favorite Things. And a box of tampons... they're free, so what the fuck?

9.

Declare June 2, 2017, a national holiday when the long awaited and very first Wonder Woman movie is finally released.

Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman are the three most popular characters in the entire history of D.C Comics. Several movie franchises have been based on Superman. Several movie franchises have been based on Batman. Zero movie franchises have been based on Wonder Woman. Zero. What the fuck, America?

I'll tell you what the fuck, America. I forgot what I was going to write here because I've got the Wonder Woman theme song stuck in my head again.

Get us out from under... Wonder Woman!

Namaste, Bitches

Comments:

guytroy2579said:

Hey, this is your brother. I just wanted to say I don't think it's appropriate to give me a note via your blog. I mean, readers aren't interested in our private communications. Besides, you'd never see me using this forum to send personal messages. That would be unprofessional.

Before I forget, you should get that birthday card soon. Just sign it and mail it to the next person on the list.