Dealing with a Difficult Mother-in-Law

Find out how to make peace with your husband’s mom

By Kim Fusaro

When a friendship or relationship gets difficult you can always end it, but you can’t exactly sever ties with your mother-in-law. So what’s a levelheaded woman to do when faced with a case of the crazies? Rather than flat-out ignoring her (or letting her walk all over you) consider the advice below from pros who have helped solve our trickiest mother-in-law run-ins. Their strategies will help you get through your next visit—without letting your mother-in-law get the best of you.

Type 1: The “He’ll Always Be My Baby” Mother-in-Law

What She Does: She drops by your home with his favorite casserole—plus, more for the freezer!—even though you know full well how to cook. She’s also been known to stop by with new T-shirts and socks a few times a year. (“Mama knows the kind he likes best!”)

What You Should Do: This mother-in-law knows no boundaries, so it’s up to your husband—especially early in your marriage—to define them. Decide, as a couple, where and when you’d like to see her, whether it’s every Tuesday for dinner or every other Sunday for brunch, suggests Shirley Dudley, MA, LPC, a licensed marriage and family counselor in Charlotte, North Carolina. If she drops in unexpectedly, your husband should be prepared to “kiss his mom on the cheek and walk her to the door,” says Dudley. As for the unexpected gifts, keep what you like and drop off the rest at a local shelter.

Type 2: The Too-Close-for-Comfort Mother-in-Law

What She Does:She says that you are like a daughter to her, and announces it’s “mom” every time she calls—even though you prefer to call her Judy. Talks openly about family drama and her personal matters (“I have the best gynecologist!”), neither of which you care to hear about.

What You Should Do: Keeping you close will keep her son close, too, is how this mother-in-law reasons. She also might be lonely. While the situation may be annoying, the good news is, you have the upper hand. Continue to address her in the manner you’re most comfortable with. You might go so far as to ask, “Who?” when she calls. After a beat, say, “Oh, Judy. I’m sorry. I thought you were my mother.” If she broaches topics you’re uncomfortable with, change the subject. She’ll soon realize the topics that hold your interest—and your interest in her—whether they’re current events or her rose garden or your new projects at work. “Eventually she will learn to interact with you in a less dramatic way,” says Dudley.

Type 3: The Always Right Mother-in-Law

What She Does:She tells you, “You should try doing things my way.” She doesn’t “get” the way you load the dishwasher. Or discipline your kids. Or wear your hair. And she lets you know she has “a much easier way” to do everything—every chance she gets.

What You Should Do: An overly critical mother-in-law, like this one, likely has a poor self-image—or just likes to hear herself talk. Smile and thank her for her input, then carry on loading the dishwasher the way you like to load it. Outside of the task at hand, Eva Fogelman, PhD, a family therapist in New York City suggests praising your mother-in-law for the things you appreciate. “In the long run,” says Dr. Fogelman, “positive reinforcement will enhance her self-esteem.” If you rave about her apple pie recipe and ignore the rest of her commentary, she’ll learn the best way to get a reaction out of you is by doing something you appreciate.

Type 4: The Bully Mother-in-Law

What She Does:She says things like, “You must be busy at work—your house is a mess!” She’s the queen of the one-liners and the backhanded compliments, but she insists she was “only joking” if you get upset.

What You Should Do: Her behavior should not be tolerated. You’ll need your husband’s support here. Either he can jump to your defense, or you can come up with your own retort, which he needs to enforce. When she criticizes your housekeeping, suggests Dudley, you might say, “You’re right. The house isn’t decent enough for guests. Could you come back another time?” while escorting her to the door. If this doesn’t work, your husband needs to take his mom aside for a serious talk. “He can explain how her seemingly harmless comments are quite rude and harmful,” says Dudley, “and warn her that when she starts with the one-liners, it will be time for her to leave.”

Type 5: The Martyr Mother-in-Law

What She Does:Everything she does—from returning a pair of slacks to walking the dog—is riddled with drama. She’s a master of one-upmanship. “You think you’ve had a bad day? Listen to this...”

What You Should Do: She’s a classic drama queen. The most appropriate reaction is to create a little distance. “The way to ‘fix’ a drama queen is to ignore her—or at least ignore the drama,” says Mark Sharp, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Oak Brook, Illinois. Don’t share your problems unless you have time to hear hers. You can improve your relationship with positive reinforcement. “Give her plenty of attention when she’s behaving appropriately,” suggests Dr. Sharp.

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