December 29, 2008

Le Bernardin: For the First Time I Stand Alone

It came to me indirectly from the executive chef. I don't think he had any idea how meaningful it would be to me but, it's a damn good title and I'll attempt to do it right..

I came to New York knowing that it could support me with the energy, dynamism, and happiness that has been slowly leaking out of my life if I could muster up at least a little effort and courage in return.

It's been a long time since I've been on my own.

It's not fun changing countries, starting new jobs, making new friends, and ending frayed relationships. When I look at other people my age in their mid 30's who are settled with children and houses and well into careers with nice retirement plans I sort of want to put my face in my hands and cry.

Either that or pick up a cleaver and chop down the chain bone of something twice my size.

I dove head first into a New York 3 Michelin star kitchen culture that perhaps wasn't the best place for a woman, going through what I'm going through, to be in.

Why? Because your head needs to be in the game and your spirit needs to exude self confidence. But when all you feel like inside is a human construction site, walking into a competitive unforgiving environment is a little akin to smashing beer cans against your head over and over.

How can I organize a station if I can't even organize my life right now? How can I react to command when my inner voice of doubt and worry is drumming out the chef's outer voice? How can I cook anything right when everything in my life is wrong?

How am I going to get through this?

I pretty much wanted to quit after the first month. I thought: the executive chef's a jerk, I hate the people I work with, I don't fit in here, garde manger is stupid, the sous chef's don't do anything beside criticize everything I do, the guys are competitive for no reason, I'm here to cook fish and I'm a year away from getting to the line.

and...

I want to be where people know me and know what I'm capable of – not where I have to prove myself. I'm tired of proving myself. And further more, I don't have the energy to prove myself.

So I dragged myself and I'm sure everyone around me through a grueling first three months at the garde mange station.

I prepped salads, sauces, gelées, cold fish plates. I diced cucumbers and jalapenos till I never wanted to see either vegetable again. I Plated smoked salmon, raw salmon, hamachi, kampachi, and bluefin till my hands could go through the motions effortlessly while my mind wondered back to it's dark 'why am I here?' place .

I whipped green cilantro foams (still something that never turns out right by my hand) and seaweed soysauce glazes. And the whole time it felt like moving mountains, not like creating fragile art.

I'd be a liar if I said that nobody noticed I wasn't focused.

It took me a little while to realize, and yes a good long heart to heart with the executive chef too, that really I'm the one who needs to pull it together. I was hired to do a job and do it perfectly regardless of my personal life or the dynamics at work. And out of this conversation I re-found my backbone which had started to disintegrate

and...

that the executive chef is really a great leader, the sous chef's are talanted, I sincerely like the people I work with, garde manger is perfect for me because I need better knife skills, I can be competitive too without being a bitch, and I do want to prove myself.

And just as I was beginning to feel the cloud of doom clear from my mind the executive chef sent me to the fish pass (which momentarily clouded me again) and then to a sunny short vacation in the salon, and now on canapés...

Where: FOR THE FIRST TIME I STAND ALONE

(you knew I'd weave this back in somehow didn't you?)

The canapé station, or amuse bouche station, is a little like a life raft bobbing on the tumultuous high seas without a tow in site. In other words you're all by yourself and you either sink or swim. I have seen quit a few cooks flounder and fall off this boat only to find themselves flung back to the mainland (garde manger) until given a second chance to prove themselves.

I have witnessed several cooks sent home for a plethora of innocent yet amateur mistakes: soup not hot enough, wrong bread used for the croutons, or shortage of mise en place.

So when I got to this station all I could think of was: I don't want to be sent home. I'm over 30 years old not 12 and if I get sent home I'm going to be very, very, very upset.

But here's the thing: it's really hard to cook something right when you are terrified of cooking something wrong. It makes you not trust your own judgement. It makes organization difficult. Ah heck, it just takes the fun out it in general and creates an atmosphere where success seems unobtainable and being set up for failure a certainty.

I kept telling myself: I have nothing to loose. There is nothing more in my life left to loose and there is everything, everything to gain.

And it's just an amuse bouche for goddsake. It's not rocket science or quantum physics or computer technology or anything requiring a PhD. Jeez: it's just food!

Furthermore, I absolutely adore amuse bouches. They are beautiful mini meals in a single bite that set the tone for the menu to come. And anyone who downplays the significance of a canapé or amuse bouche has never truly experienced one before.

They are little suprises. Even when they are expected they are still a surprise because you don't know what it will be until it arrives. I love that.

My first few days at the canapé station were cake. I got to work with a girlfriend of mine who was on her way out (to move back to L.A.) and she showed me how to get organized, set up the station, hide the pots and pans needed for service early in the afternoon, and load up on extra mise en place.

We had a lot of fun working together. It could have been called the 'gossip station' instead of the 'canapé station' because that's really all we did in between spooning lobster into tiny cups, squeezing hot foams, and yelling "pick up canapé!".

We had good time. Something that had been missing for me.

Then she left and it was all up to me.

My canapé for my first day alone was simple enough: a truffled celriac soup with lobster and a gorgeous bright red sauce Americain foam on the top. I followed the instructions I was given to make the soup, but when I blended it, it was border-line too thin. I got chastised for it, but not sent home.

Had I done the soup the way I knew how to this would not have been a problem. Had I trusted my own instincts this would not have happened. And then getting blamed for not following common sense like: remove the celeriac cubes from the broth before blending and add the broth in little by little until the right consistency is acheived feels even stupider.

Lesson learned: trust instincts. Then you have no one to blame but yourself.

The service went fine. I didn't run out of anything, I enjoyed talking to the servers as they picked up the plates, and I sincerely enjoyed being responsible for my very own island.

Grass is always greener when it's in someone else's life, eh? I know that feeling... I hope canapés give you a breather, and a chance to figure out what and how much you want out of this experience. Remember, you can always go back to teaching!

PS - I just checked, and it looks like you'll have to wait for the next round for both Top Chef and Next Food Network Star...More time to practice!

Adele – Thanks! And as we all know, transitions are often painful but not without rewards...hopefully I'll start seeing those soon ;-)

Scott – Exactly! I like to think of it as Canapé domination!

Ellen – When you're on your own in the kitchen you can't hide behind anything or anyone as you know. If your mise en place is terrible then it's terrible! I"m happy to have the chance to prove myself!

Daniel – ER is in the restaurant almost all of the time but right now he's finishing a book tour! He is not the executive chef who runs the kitchen daily/nightly or who I'm referring to when I say "executive chef".

Joesy – Merci bien for all the support and encouragement you guys have given me over this last year and, well, over the last 30 or so too... ;-)

Lilalia – Just as actors often learn more about themselves through different roles they play, I seem to have the same experience at different stations and in different kitchens. Thanks for all your support ;-)

Sheila – I definitely got the KICK back. Now if I could just kick this cold I have too I'd be home free!

SAS – I thought about going back to teaching for awhile, but I'm afraid my credential is now expired and – oh, wait – we have no more fulltime electives programs in our high schools anymore!!! Perhaps the Food Network will someday find a need for a French cooking show? For now, I'm under contract for a year and I fully intend to get as much out of it as I possibly can. Who knows, maybe I'll sign on for a second year... we'll see... ;-)

Amy – You're right, I am lucky to work with an executive chef who is interested in creating an environment that is supportive yet challenging.

Every night when i get get home from working in the 5 restaurants that i run and am a partner in, i log on to see if youve written. Your stories of working in a Michelin restaurant fulfilled my dreams, as yet unfufilled to be in that venue.I ate your descriptions of the work ,culture commerce and
cuisine...i never tired of it...all alone at night in the dark,reading your writing. Your adventurous bold fearless nature i applauded reveled in, the trips home , the stint in Vegas , and now nyc...you share your life and experience and passion for the kitchen life with all of us...very brave of you ,and generous...youve made me very happy to pass some free time reding your musings of my metier, i could never think of you as alone ...thank you for your blog it was a great gift to discover

Although I don't work in the food industry, I understand exactly where you are. So much so I almost cried from remembering!
I'm out the other side intact, just, but scars make you stronger, right?
I hope that work becomes a refuge, not a hole...all the best!

This post more or less mirrors a very similar sentiment, tone and situation that my life is in. Its so funny, because I am on a very different end of the spectrum, but I very much feel the same...here's what you need to know, beyond the peripherals of your cutting board, underneath the coats of your colleagues, and at the recieving end of your labor, are people...it shocks me too sometimes, PEOPLE!!! All kinds of people. I spent a long time over the past few months and years trying to figure out how my career path compared to my colleagues from schools, my contemporaries in the kitchens I was working in, and the people who I idolized...then I came to the realization, that there are many ways to get to whatever end destination you might get to...its not about being better than the kid a bunch of years younger than you, or being on the a time track to be as good as Keller (or ER ;-)), its about satisfying the people who get the plates, and yourself. After my epiphany, I made some radical decisions, some I might not have made and in retrospect, are setting me up for some great challenges....I am europe bound to stage, and I am folding the book closed on my growth and advancement within my little restaurant company and community.

Sounds like you've done the same, and that very process is nerve racking. But I implore you to do this, never judge your success or happiness by your relation to those around you. Life is not a race, we all ultimately reach the same fate. What it is, however, is a challenge for each and everyone of us to get the most out of the 24 hours given to us every day to try to make YOUR life the best it can be...

Some of the happiest people I know defy age, convention, and norm on a daily basis...

When I was going through my own, I'm-in-my-30s-what-the-hell-am-I-doing period, a friend who was privy to my doubts and fears told me, "It's never to late to be who you want to be." A cliche, but it rang true. I finished law school, started my own law practice, and I continue to seek ways to build upon my experience and interests.

I often have to remind myself that my life--or an hour, or a day, for that matter--is what I make of it. If I try to accomplish something and things don't turn out exactly as I planned, that's not great, but I can live with it. If I don't even try, that's a much bigger problem. Trust yourself: Things will work out, even if you're not always sure exactly how. Sometimes we have to take circuitous routes to get to our goals.

Sorry if I've rambled a bit, but your post touched a nerve. Take care.

Amy - We met briefly at Michael Booth's ( Sacre Cordon Bleu} in Paris. I did Cordon Bleu too. Just to say that your For the First Time.. is good. When life is good - hey what more can you ask. I 'hear' you and must say that you have progressed... perhaps you landed on the real world...keep it up as it will only make you more creative. Life is all about creating, questioning, working and making Art. Your very young and this will not be the last difficult moment.

amy, i really enjoyed this post! it was written so well and you are so dead on!!! i can relate and understand what you are going through in so many ways... from "pick up canape" ;p to "what the hell am i doing here" and now i feel i am wondering why i am not on the same boat as my friends, being that i am in my 30s as well... i admire your strength and ability to reflect on your experience in such a honest and positive perspective. keep it up and take charge of your "island"!
hope the advice given, from the girl who moved back to cali, was helpful and useful hehe ;p "oh yeah!"

I've been reading your blog for a while even though this is my first post -- you are truly an inspiration. I'm constantly in awe of all you accomplish. I am not a chef, but I was in Paris at Le Cordon Bleu when you were in Paris and after Basic cuisine there I came back to my "real life" in the states.

Just wanted to say Hi and thank you for the amazing work you do at the restaurants and for the blog.

you're one fearless woman!
congratulations.
you've been able to share your ups and downs in such eloquence and humor, unlike what most people are daring and able to do, bravo!
you've been mostly trusting yourself, already...now you deserve to harvest the fruit/s of your labor and passion :-)
go on...and you'll be one of the most satisfied persons in the whole-wide world ;-)

Brava Amy...big growth spurt, to be able to see your part in your personal drama and be women enough to find your back bone and take the heart to heart as it was probably meant, to help you become who you want to be, and then, share that with the world in such a well written post. I continue to admire you and enjoy sharing your journey in the very tough pressure cooker of the culinary world. Wow,Mz Glaze, you rock!

Damm it Glaze, you can cook. period. enuff said!. People want good food and good places to eat.
A dollar is a dollar and spends like any other dollar. YOur issue is that you think the only dollars worth having are the big taddaa michelin dollars...... get over it girl. Rachel Ray is making millions doing pork chops and mac and cheese to death on the networks.
Why do you put yourself through this shit is beyond me?...??
Stations schmations..... Develop a little business sense and make millions...girl.

Luis – You called it. More than I can even begin to explain. Thanks for always pushing back and reminding me that this is a business where I need to succeed too and not just a burnout dead end :-)......

Wow, what a deeply revealing post to read on my first visit! I love food but am not in the food business. Your sense of inner turmoil stirred by the pressures and politics of work is I can relate to right now! All your supporters are right. You're a great cook and can manage your own island. Enjoy yourself and find your own path, with or without stars.

Just the other day my friend Brad from France and I were sipping some wine, I had suggested we go over and eat at this fish place in the city, three stars. He told me you were there. Welcome and I love this post, I always want to bitch about my work, my boss and all the knuckle heads who work in my Union organized kitchen, but I don't I rave about bread, food and fine food, keeps me from getting into trouble!
Hang in there!

I just found your blog and wanted to let you know that I find it absolutely inspiring. I, too, am in my early 30's and am leaving a successful career in Finance to also attend the Le Cordon Bleu, however at the Scottsdale Culinary Institute in Arizona. The candor which you discuss your challenges and triumphs give me reassurance that following my heart and dreams is not crazy, and that I'm not alone in my circumstance. I look forward to reading of your imminent successes.

Ms Glaze, I love your videos. Please make more. If FoodTV or PBS, preferably PBS doesn't hire you asap they are losing out. You are the only personality who can follow up on Julia in the post-Julia era. No offense to Rachel Ray, and I am sure it would be nice to have her cash, but you have wit, humor, timing, classical training--and speak French. Top chef was pathetically lacking in class for not selecting you, but given what I have seen on that show, its better for you because you still have your dignity. You have several other qualities that set you apart: curious, intelligent, creative, good teacher, fun, willing to reach for a higher bar. I am not going to be suprised at your successful career, but I probably be a bit sad that the tickets to your show will be hard to get.

I remember my first day long ago working the canape station. I hated it. What made me really stunned when reading this was "it's really hard to cook something right when you are terrified of cooking something wrong". So true. Its quite scary. The fear factor in a kitchen is crazy...all the best!

Wow, what Mike said (what you said) is really true, and the main reason I am happy to retain my amateur status in the kitchen. I can always toss my less than perfect dishes away and eat cheese and apples for dinner! Especially in the milieu you have chosen, the pressure must be enormous. But I will say that your posts have given me the kick in the saute pan I needed to try some other things that I have only dabbled in before - if/when they get going, I'll let you know, but thanks for the inspiration...

what happened? you are in new york now? i've been reading back thru to june 2008 and can't see what happened.
i see you cracked your rib, and you got a new job, but nothing more.
i live in san francisco now but lived in new york city for 6 years and loved every minute of it. i think it's a great place to be in your 30s. very best of luck to you.