To Converse With Children, Show Emotion

C When boomers were babies, mothers whose children were "good eaters" were most envied.

Now, says New York psychologist Ron Taffel, the greatest envy is of mothers who report that their children really (start ital) talk (end ital) to them.

It makes sense that parents today seem somewhat obsessed with communicating with their children, Taffel says. "We don't see each other that much. The number of minutes a day we see our children has gone down dramatically." So parents dutifully try to learn the method of communication described in child-rearing manuals such as "Parent Effectiveness Training." Based on a therapist-patient model, it instructs parents to keep their emotions and opinions out of conversation with their children and instead to "validate" what children say, so children feel free to express their thoughts. As described in Taffel's book, "Parenting by Heart" (Addison Wesley, $18.95): Alice: I wish I could be pretty just like Susan.

Father: You're feeling kind of bad.

Alice: Yes. She gets a lot of attention and I don't.

Father: You really would like to get more attention.

Alice: Yes, I feel really bad when I'm not being noticed.

Father: You don't like it when no one notices you.

Alice: Yeah, I hate it.

Father: You really hate not being noticed.

It's a great technique to use with young children, and for children of all ages at the outset of a crisis, to let them open up. But it's not going to work with older children in everyday life, Taffel says. "The problem is that kids catch on to it very quickly. With my 5-year-old daughter, when I adopt that voice, she says, essentially, `Get real, Dad'

"If you do the therapist number with a teenager, they're going to look at you with contempt," Taffel says.

The patient-therapist model of relating became the parent-child model, Taffel says. "The bad news is that the model -- the therapist is utterly sincere, gives adequate space to a patient, validates everything a patient says and is neutral -- doesn't work in therapy. And the secret is that it's being changed in the therapy model, but it hasn't trickled down to parents." Children

want parents to respond emotionally to them, Taffel says. "In fact what the kid is waiting for is for you to say something like, `Oh my God, that's the most horrible thing I've ever heard!' Or, `I can't stand that other kid for doing that to you.' ... They need to feel that around them, to feel what I call being held. How does that compare to saying, `Uh-huh'?" Other advice from Taffel:

Instead of "naming" a child's feeling (such as "you must be feeling angry"), ask specific questions about what happened -- who was there, what happened, what did he say? This lets the child's feelings out, Taffel says. But don't ask why, he says. Most kids, like most adults, often can't say why they responded the way they did.

Don't pounce. "Kids tell me that their parents, as soon as they open up their mouths, think that this is the last time the child will ever communicate, and it's the thing that makes them want to clam up."

Don't be afraid to tell stories about yourself to get a point across. Young children love stories that start out, "When I was little . . ." For preteens and teenagers, though, you have to preface any story with the likes of, "I guess this is nothing like what you're going through; I wouldn't want to be a kid today, but something happened to me when I was your age. You probably won't get anything out of it, but I'll tell you anyway."

Let your child overhear a conversation you have with another adult. Pretending they are out of earshot, you can say, for example, "I feel so hurt by the way Sam talks to me. ... " Children aren't as self-conscious when they're out of the way and can take in the information more easily.

Don't lecture. "You have about three or four sentences to get your opinions, your feelings, your advice into the conversation. You've got to learn the signals of when you've lost them. Every kid has clear signals." Mary Jo Kochakian writes regularly about family life for The Courant. Send suggestions for column topics and notices of seminars or other family-related events open to the public to Family affairs, The Courant, 285 Broad St., Hartford, CT 06115. Notices must be received two weeks before publication.