while my buddies were drooling over their farrah fawcett posters, i was obsessed with this ultra violent psycho babe. i thought if i could only meet her, she would immediatlely recognize me as her soul mate.

NOT FOR SENSITIVE VIEWERS!! TOTAL TRIGGER!

never did meet her. she committed suicide in 1998. i cried when i heard that she died.

her concerts were extremely dangerous events and i was "lucky" enough to attend one of them in 1981(?). blood, sex, black magic, occult symbolism, nudity, madness, mayhem, destruction, vandalism and anarchy. even i was shocked by what i saw on stage and off, and i loved every second of it.

bottles, body waste, and other debris flying throught the air. injuries were everywhere. it was a miracle that no one was killed, and the security seemed to be non-existent. i was expecting (hoping) the crowd would explode into a full scale riot and revolution, but they somehome managed to contain the mostly male audience.

driven crazy with testosterone, adrenaline, and alcohol. i was bleeding and exhausted by the time it was over. we left the arena in wild packs, erupting into the streets, smashing and damaging windows and cars, setting fire to mailboxes and porta-potties, and knocking over signs.

Primus's music and lyrics are normally a little silly and comical. (Also Awesome.) This is one of their more edgy and angry songs. It's lyrics really speak to my own angst, even to this day.

and i thought i knew primus...

you just made a believer out of me.

"I just can't seem to blend Into society I have no hope for this dim Simplicity of law and order By whose rules I see no rhyme in the reason I hold no hope for this holy treason Of love and so soft By whose standards They tell me, they tell me Who are they, who is they"

-PRIMUS: eleven

that song would have definitely made my top ten playlist back then. the words are so "me" i am surprised i never discovered it before. thanks for that.

not that it is my style anymore.

as i said, i don't really listen to this kind of stuff anymore, but this topic has really put me into the past. i had no idea how meaningful these tunes were until i just started listening to them today as i searched my mind and the internet.

all of a sudden, i was all teens and twenties again. what a time travel trip. these songs still give me goosebumps. they were an essential part of my venting, escaping, coping routine. i LIVED inside these songs. they were a comfortable little room i could crawl into anytime.

i thought that revisiting these old hardcore hate songs might trigger some of the negative emotions that drove me to listen to them in the first place, but, oddly enough, it has been a very positive nostalgic experience. i feel pretty good.

i used to get really hurt at these concerts. some of the most crazy crowd surfing i have ever experienced. i always came out of it covered in blood, sweat, puke. but i would not feel any pain until next day. when i became a stagehand i was lucky enough to work with this band a few times, and watched the pit from a safe vantage point. i must have been insane. i wouldn't go anywhere near that now, and if i did, i would end up in the hospital.

had a beer with hetfield once, but he was not very nice to me. kind of arrogant, condescending, and dismissive. i was so nervous, i forgot his name and he told me it was "lars" with a smirk on his face. later i remembered it was "james" and it kind of irritated me, but i still think they are amazing artists. no complaints. i made a lot of money off of them through the years and they were very good to their crew. not many bands respect the roadies like metallica.

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