A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United
States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street
and says,
"Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this
country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a
free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for
having such a beautiful country here in America .."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am
not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

A man named Gary dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter hands him a clock with his name on it.

"What's this?" Gary asks, turning the clock over in his hand.

"That's your lie clock. Every time you told a lie, the clock ticked once. We have a whole wall of every mortal clock in the back."

So Saint Pete led Gary back to the wall, where Gary was amazed to see all the names on the wall. "Wow, look!" he exclaimed, "Harrison Ford just lied! And there is Betty White's, I bet that ticks pretty often!"

THen he noticed something: one clock was missing. He asked Peter, "Where is President Obama's clock?"

Peter replied, "Oh, that? God keeps it in his office. He uses it as a fan."

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will
be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails',
'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

I saw LeBron the other day. I had a dollar, but the vending machine only accepted change. So, I approached him and asked him for change. He handed me 75 cents, and I looked at him, bewildered. "You shorted me 25 cents." "sorry," he replied," I don't have a fourth quarter."

I saw LeBron the other day. I had a dollar, but the vending machine only accepted change. So, I approached him and asked him for change. He handed me 75 cents, and I looked at him, bewildered. "You shorted me 25 cents." "sorry," he replied," I don't have a fourth quarter."