Monthly Archives: April 2010

I finally sent an email to Grampa G. yesterday and he so graciously replied, and sent pictures of N. and her family:) Apparently all is well in the land of N., despite us not hearing from her in so long. They indeed, did move to a bigger, safer house, work is steady and everyone’s healthy. I really do love Grampa G. We were hoping he’d be down this way at the end of the semester, as his girlfriend’s daughter attends college in our city, and he was here to help move her in–he unfortunately has a conflict that isn’t letting him come to help her pack up as he had planned, so we’ll miss that opportunity. I hope we will have a chance to meet, all of us, this summer.

An employment opportunity has arisen that I might be interested in. And quite possibly qualified for. And might remotely be good at. This would be at a place I’m intimately familiar with. I grew up just down the street, and the grounds was a popular place to walk, ride bikes, hang out and just “be”. We had school field trips and retreats there. I went to college there, met my husband there, and eventually received two degrees from there. Its where my husband works, and my son goes to daycare. Its a REALLY good place to be. I have professors and other respected professionals who are willing to serve as references. Its a 3 minute drive from my house. It pays actual money. I will apply for it.

HOWEVER: I do have that internal monologue asking me what could I possibly be thinking, wondering if I really have what it takes to do the job. What if I FAIL–either at the interview or the job itself? I have a good thing going where I am now. My boss will be disappointed and stressed. I am treated and paid well. I do a job that I believe is worth doing, and makes a difference for people. I have scads of flexibility and great time-off benefits. I am trusted. Even though there are times when I’m terribly irritated, overall, I’m quite comfortable where Iam. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t rock the boat. I should just stay where I am.

Quitting jobs has never been an easy thing for me. Even thinking about quitting a job makes me anxious.

Seems we always come back to this place of uncertainty. Or at least I do. Things have been quiet the past few months with no known reason. Just quiet. I *think* N. and her family moved to a nearby town a couple of months ago, but I’m not sure. Facebook’s been quiet, texts and emails haven’t been answered, and nothing’s been initiated from her side since January, when she sent the coolest little pair of monster-feet snowshoes for Woob out of nowhere. We called her to thank her and then that was it…nothing else. I’m assuming she moved, as I knew she was planning to. With that move, her internet may have never been reconnected. Usually when she’s out of minutes to talk on her phone, she still gets unlimited texts, so…just don’t know. But aside from that, we had no contact on Woob’s birthday which made me so sad for him, for her, for us all. I don’t really know what to do with that.

At four, Woob is at such a neat place…he’s starting to “get” things, and do things–understanding letters and words, playing tee-ball, telling stories, and being overall hilarious and cute and of course being quite a stubborn little stinker as well. AND, he’s continuing to process his story, his family connections, his birth. HE initiates talking about N and his sisters. I know that with that understanding will also come an understanding of losses he’s incurred in the past. But Lord, please don’t let us have to experience a RE-loss of N. and the girls, because that seems so not-understandable, almost more painful than the initial loss.

Do you see a pattern with this blog? THINGS GO WELL FOR AWHILE—>THINGS QUIET DOWN—>WORRY STARTS—>HESITANCE STARTS—>AWFULIZING STARTS—>CONTACT, ALL IS WELL, WHAT WAS I WORRIED ABOUT? LIFE IS GOOD!—>LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT

So. Here’s my plan, since really awfulizing things when there is no true evidence is fairly unhelpful: Tonight, I call her. If she’s not there, and doesn’t get back to me by Monday, I call her dad and let him know we’re not connecting and see if he can give me some insight (that SO feels like tattling, which is why I haven’t given him a ring yet). The good news is that I’ll get to touch base with him as well, so we’ll be killing 2 birds with one stone. Perhaps I’ll get a new address out of the deal? Other news? I don’t know. But I’ve been hesitant to do this for a while and its time to do it. Because I have the coolest pictures and stories and neat things to tell her and really want to know what’s going on with her too!