“I'm a girl of extremes. When I love something, I'm like a puppy dog (without all the licking). When I'm cranky, I'm a wasp (like a whole hive of 'em). And when I'm angry, I'm a Mother Bear with a predator after her cubs: Dangerous.”

I am so tired of being around people who have no consideration or respect for me. I am trying so hard to remain neutral in order to make new friends but honestly, I am not sure that the kind of friends that I want to have can be found where I am looking.

Oh – almost forgot – in the meditation we did the other night, I saw a Crow Man. the jest of his message was to write things down that I want to do and carve out the time to do them and to stop letting people pressure me into doing things I am not interested in doing.

Had a nice, relaxing weekend. Saturday night went to meet the HC group to celebrate Spring. It was a very nice time. My dreams have been troubling. I dreamed of the black cat that was left behind when the neighbor moved out that we could never find. That it was around and hungry. I took it to its old home and there was food and water out for it to drink just as I left it when I first tried to find him. the food and water has been long gone since then and the cat was aggressive. I fear the cat is representing someone who despite my trying to help them is not really my friend. Since it is a black cat – I think it is someone I associate with the word witch. The dream is a warning. Just not sure who it is about. I have my suspicions.

Saw a coyote this morning on the way to work. It was huge. More the size of a large dog or wolf than a coyote. He was casually walking in the sunlight in one of the fields on the side of the road. Beautiful creature.

Dreamed of the kids last night. Stephanie was being terrible and I laid hands on her. Not good. I hope that does not mean trouble is brewing. Also dreamed of moving to Canada. Not a bad idea considering the current state of our country.

Been looking at going back to school. I am very interested in getting a Health Technology license/degree. I enrolled but still have to get proof I took a typing course from High School and my transcript from Belhaven sent. I love doing the RFP’s though so I am also considering some computer classes.

It seems stupid to get an AA after already having a BA but I do not really know what else to do. Hinds is so much cheaper than a 4 year school and with me already having a degree some of the classes are repetitive… Both areas of study are good ones based on my experience and salary range I need to be in. It is a matter of desire. I am not sure which would be the best for me. with the RFP writing it seems like a hard niche to find a home in. Of course, i could stay where I am – which is what I want to do. But both areas again will be of benefit to my current employer. Sigh. I am so NOT good at making decisions for myself.

“Now is the time of awakening. The frosts are drawn back and the earth bursts again into green life. Life is color, warmth and light and the striving for these things. All that is holy we hail, hail to joy and life. May we know the timeless wisdom and strive to give strength and healing. Ostara, may your light shine from us, hail to your fruitful goddess, may we ever love your bounty. This is the time of remaking, the trees unfurl their new foliage. Soon will come the high Midsummer, and we will be reminded of a time years beyond recall, when Earth knew only summers: the dawn time. Sacred Ostara whispers to us of this time and a promise for a bright future we hear. Stir us to achieve that brightness.”

Well, the last few days have been hectic. Spent the weekend with C. – it worked out with us not going to GW but that was ok. She had to take Teddy to the vet – it looks like he has developed cancer where his stump is and the mass is cutting off the circulation to his other legs. The vet does not think he has long. She asked of M and I would help him bury him when the time comes. I told her of course. I know it is breaking her heart. First her dog being killed and now losing another one.

I got a FB message the other day from a friend which brought up a lot of awareness of a situation and led me to going ahead and going in and blocking M’s kids and ex. I feel guilty doing it but honestly they create more trouble for me and M then we need. I have been so angsty over our not having the relationship “I want” and being considered a member of their family and it does nothing but lead to a fight. And the thing is they are not my kids – and other than support him – there is really nothing I can do. I still feel bad though. I think that since I do not have children, I really had hoped we would be close. It hurts that it did not happen and as things are now, their mom has alienated them from their dad. what did I really expect for myself? The cycle has been going on since I moved to NC in 2011 and has not stopped. Slowly I have been disentangling myself from the situation and finally I just said screw it. I do not post what I want on FB bc I know Jo reads my posts through the kids account. and if I block one of them, I have to block all… Anyway…. It just seemed like the thing to do. Obviously, I am second guessing myself but again, it is bc I think they should act one way that they have never shown an inclination. It is hard… I swear it is like they come from a different planet.

In other news, got caught up on my reading and exercises for the class and Fae sent me a really nice book by D. Paxton for an early bday gift. Wanting to catch up with some old friends for my bday this year. Needing to reconnect or something. Feeling lost from my roots lately.