(I am a petty officer on a sub tender in Norfolk, in the repair department. Our division officer is cool, but his assistant less so. One of my coworkers is a sailor, and getting married on a Friday, and had arranged to trade duties so he would be on Thursday (getting off Friday morning) instead of working Saturday, so he would have until Monday morning for his honeymoon. The Division Officer leaves for a meeting in D.C, and won’t be back until next week, leaving his assistant in charge.)

Asst. Division Officer:*to sailor* “The Div officer said that you are getting married this afternoon. Congratulations! Which church?”

Sailor: “Thanks, but no church. We are doing it at City Hall with the Justice of the Peace. The Div Officer said that I could leave right after morning training, so I could get to there before the ceremony at thirteen hundred hours.”

Asst. Division Officer: “Well, see me before you go.”

(Training is over at 10 am, and the sailor goes to the office immediately.)

Sailor: “Well, time to go, sir. Wish me luck!”

Asst. Division Officer: “Not so fast. You have to finish up these repairs before you go.” *gives him a list*

Sailor: “But sir, this will take about four hours! I’ll be late for the ceremony!”

Asst. Division Officer: “Well, then you had better hurry. I will want to inspect them before you are done.”

(Several of us hear what has happened, and pitch in to help him get the work done. We finish just before noon.)

Sailor: “Sir, all of the repairs are done. As soon as you inspect them, I will be heading out.”

Asst. Division Officer: “I won’t inspect them until the end of the day, when I check everyone’s. Here is another list to work on.”

(The Assistant Division Officer hands him a longer list.)

Sailor: “But, sir, my wedding—”

Asst. Division Officer: “YOU ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED! IF YOU WERE, YOU WOULD BE DOING IT IN A CHURCH! A CHRISTIAN CHURCH! SINCE YOU AREN’T, ALL YOU ARE GOING TO BE DOING IS F******, AND THAT IS A SIN! I have been married for seven years now, and I won’t have you defiling the sanctity of my marriage by claiming to be married outside of a church!”

Sailor: “But sir, my fiancé—”

Asst. Division Officer: “SHE IS NOT YOUR FIANCE! She is your w****! And for talking back to me, I am putting you on duty for both Saturday and Sunday!”

(Thankfully, the Justice Of The Peace was willing to wait, and married them that evening, and he got his honeymoon later. And as far as the sanctity of the Assistant Division Officer’s own marriage, somehow his wife found out about the affair he had been having with the daughter of a Rear Admiral. No idea how she could have possibly found out!)