Thursday, March 31, 2011

I'm online on my lappy top!! And i'm sitting at the house with some time on my hands. Yes, perhaps i should finish cleaning and organizing the bedroom, but i've been working on that since one o'clock this afternoon. (Don't worry, we're not that messy. We just got a bunch of hand-me-down furniture from out friend, so i've been having a lovely time asking Jesse to move it around for me and filling up the dressers with all of our clothes that were previously either in boaxes or laundry baskets.) And yes, maybe i should be studying for the serv-safe test i'll be taking for work on April 15th. But i'd much rather be catching up on all of your beautiful blogs, so that's what i'm going to do! :) My plan is to read the last post on each blog that i'm following. However, that's not going to fully update me on all that i've missed in the several months i haven't been able to read those blogs on a daily basis. So, if you know i'm one of your followers (most likely you can figure that out simply by seeing a comment on your most recent post), please leave me a comment on this post filling me in on all that important stuff i've missed, and i promise to keep up to date from now on! It's actually rather intimidating. I follow so many blogs that i haven't read anything from in forever... So much to read! You'd better be glad i love you all! Haha. Here goes!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Big news! I went to the hospital today to have the check up on the baby done and everything. Actually i guess it's not really big news considering all they said was "yeah, you're definitely pregnant". I was like "no! really? i had no idea!" But anyway, they guestimated that i'm about 9 weeks along because we didn't hear a heartbeat when they put that thingy on my belly to try to hear one. My due date is approximately October 27, but all of that is based off my best knowledge (which is rather shaky) of when my last period was. They took a bunch of vials of blood for a bunch of different tests. Ick! I hated the needle... but i really was considering asking the lady to take an extra vial for me to take home with me because i thought it looked really cool. Yes, i am a bit sick sometimes. But it really did look cool to me! I filled out a bunch of paperwork and applications for governmental help and stuff. Took almost two hours, but i guess if i do get that help it'll definitely be worth it. That's all the baby news i have for right now though. However i do have some really exciting news. I got my tax return so i went to walmart and got myself a laptop!!! Yayayayayay! Now i can keep in touch with all of you and catch up on blogs and it'll be absolutely awesome! But yeah, that's my rambly nonsensical post. I'm really kind of tired. Didn't get much sleep last night, and this whole pregnacy thing is actually quite tiring. So i think i'm off to take a bit of a nap. BUT i promise to catch up on all of your blogs as soon as i can. I love you all!

Monday, March 21, 2011

I think i felt the baby moving for the first time last night and then again this morning! It felt like butterflies and bubbles in my belly. I tried to feel it from the outside with my hand because i so wanted to share that feeling with Jesse, but neither one of us felt anything that way. Not yet, not yet. Still, it was really really exciting, and i really wanted to share it with all of you. OMG i have a baby in my belly!!!! I guess i should have known that already....but the reality really just sank in fully for the first time. Crazy stuff... I hope its a cutie! Lol.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Doctor visit on the 30th of this month for me to find out all that i can about the baby in me belly. Yay! And Jacob and i have finally picked out names for our baby that we can both agree on. (So since i'm telling you my baby's name, i might as well tell you that Jacob's real name is Jesse and my real name is Joanna. Random tidbit of info for ya'll there.) If it's a girl, her name will be Fate Alice. And if it's a boy, his name will be Dorian Raven. Jesse swears he has a feeling that it's a girl, but i think it's just because he really wants a girl. I don't know, sometimes i get the feeling that it's a girl, sometimes i think it's gonna be a boy. Hard to tell... yet. Maybe i'll know soon though!Still haven't got any of that money that the government is supposed to be sending me, so i can't get the laptop just yet, but hopefully soon. I'd love to get caught back up on all of your blogs. I miss you sooooooo much!But yeah, that's really all i've got to say at this point in time. Stay strong, my dears. All my love.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Hello, dearies. No baby updates yet. I haven't even had the gas money to get to the doctor to make sure everything's good in the first place... and i hope to have money to raise the child; God help me! :/ But i'll get my paycheck on friday and then on saturday we'll be going to find all that good stuff out.Another good thing that should be happening soon: i'll be getting a laptop, so i'll actually be able to update you all a lot more often! I'm just waiting to get my income tax return, and then i'm buying a lappy toppy! Haha.Here's an awesome little email tidbit that i really would love to share with you all. This lovely lady has a survey for all of us pro-ana people because she's trying to do a study that will represent us and our cause better than it has been represented. You can fill out the survey partially or fully, whichever you're more comfortable with. Here's the link to get to the survey. If you have any questions or want to know more about her research, her email address is kmccurle@soc.umass.edu. If you don't feel comfortable contacting her, but still have a question, just send me and email at emofreak5@yahoo.com and i'll email her for you and get your answer. Hopefully her research turns out as awesome as i'm hoping! And we can help that :)

Sunday, March 6, 2011

All of your comments are so awesome and helpful! I LOVE being a part of this online community. It's seriously the bestest thing ever! :) Thanks so much everyone for all of your comments. And i'm definitely still open for many many more.Random question... which is also a bit of an awkward TMI question, but i always tell you all everything anyway, so here goes: Is it normal for a pregnacy to cause constipation? I've been eating fiber and not a lot of infamous constipating foods, yet i seem to need to use the "potty" quite often without being able to go. I don't want to take laxxies because 1) something tells me there's no way that would be good for the baby, and 2) i really don't trust myself to have access to laxxies at any point in time for reasons i'm sure you all can understand. Any suggestions?Now on a happier note, i think i'm going to have Jacob's hands superglued to my stomach for the next 7 or so months. Last night he put his hands there and was like "I can feel the baby bump!" All night he kept touching my belly and saying "I have a baby in there," with the cutest little smile ever. I know he's gonna be a really good loving daddy. :)But that's really all the updates i have for now.. So in parting, i give you hugs and kisses and all my love and gratitude. XOXO.

Friday, March 4, 2011

My heart raced and my stomach lurched. The stomach lurching was no longer out of the ordindary morning routine for me, but the heart pounding was new, frightening, and somehow exciting. I reached for the pregnacy test, afraid to see the results. What if it was posative? What the hell would Ana do? Or what if it was negative? What the hell would Jacob do? Either way, what the hell would i do? I took a deep breath and looked at the result box. A plain little plus sign was so simple for me to see that it was ridiculous. I smiled, a terrified little smile and rushed downstairs to the bedroom to show Jacob the results. He smiled such a huge, ridiculous smile when he looked at it that i couldn't help feeling excited too. "I'm gonna have a baby!" he giggled like an excited little girl.I laughed at him and nodded. "Yes... we are." He swept me into his arms and hugged and kissed me intensely.Ana tapped my shoulder. "May i take part in all of this joy?"I pushed her away. "No! You will have nothing to do with my child. EVER."A hurt look crossed her beautiful bony face. "Why not?" she asked, sounding surprisingly innocent.I shook my head as anger rose inside my chest. "You make my life hell as it is. You will not do that while i have a child that i need to eat for as well as myself. And you most definitely will not meet my child when he or she is old enough to understand all your stupid little tricks and hateful remarks. You will not make my child go through the same hell that you make me go through. Go take a damn vacation, and get out of my life..." I paused, afraid of what i'd just said. "But... please, don't leave me altogether. I promise i'll follow your advice again once the baby comes. I... i love you.. and i need you..."She sighed. "I know. It's understandable for you to be overly protective," she said with a shrug. "I'll be back one the baby is born... May i at least hold it for a moment right after it's born?"I shook my head almost sadly. "No. I don't want to hurt you, but more importantly, i don't want you hurting my baby."She nodded. "Ok. I won't forget you, Jo. I'll come back.""Promise?" i called after her retreating figure."I promise," she said, and turned around with a sad smile and wave. "I'll be back."

**I'm open for any advice on this pregnacy thing AT ALL. I know absolutely nothing, and i'm terrified and excited both at the same time. Anyone who has any advice, regardless of what it is, please leave me a comment....Does anyone know how to avoid stretch marks, and a bunch of baby weight after the birth? Those are the two things that scare me the most, as dumb as that might sound.**

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

So i am gonna have a baby. Not sure how i feel about it. But i do know that Ana is definitely going on the back burner until he/she is born... I'll give you all more updates here soon. It's just nigh unto impossible to get computer access at this point. Grrr... life is complicated sometimes.I really love and miss you all. Hopefully i'll be able to fully update in a couple days. Love and hugs to you all.

I get a lot of comments telling me that i'm not anorexic. I want to tell you right now that i KNOW i'm not anorexic. Saying that i am pro-ana does not make me anorexic, and i'm well aware of that. My eating disorder is EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). I simply use Ana as my main character because she is the well-known ED i am closest to, and honestly, who's ever heard of a name for EDNOS?I never said that i wanted this. I didn't try to give myself EDNOS. I'd much rather be a normal person, but i'm not, and i can't be. So here's my story. If you don't appreciate it, then i simply ask you to leave.

People I Love

Keira Knightley

She's so beautiful and thin. I want to look like her....

Ana

this picture perfectly captures the essence of Ana and her love for her followers... and how she never lets go.