Ok here we go... I have so much on my mind right now. I feel so depressed and there is just so much flying through my head. I am catogorizing all my thoughts by the bad n good stuff....

BAD- I feel like my life is worth nothing... I am smart in school but outside of school Im dumb... I got no guy friends... my life evolves around my friends... Im such a good friend and I expect the same from all my other friends but when they cant even call me or make plans it hurts me a lot and that brings me down... um... Im so unhappy and its like the only thing that makes me happy is being at home, listening to music, watching tv, drawing, being on msn, or cleaning and re-doing my room... and that makes me angry because I would like to spend time with my family but sometimes they make me angry and solitude always wins me over so i'll lock myself in my room... um what else.. the only thing I am good at is helping people and being kinda... my parents split when I was like 13 or 12.. and now Im 16 and I feel so bad cause its like Im scared of life and dont know how to DO, all I do is DREAM... I want a male figure in my life, I want a father, my father was never a real father to me, and I just wish I had one... and I am sooo unconfident and have a bad self esteem... So thats what goes through my head it the negative side...

GOOD- we'll lets see... Im such a "happy" person cause Im always doing things to make me happy, I dont get caught in the negative things, Im ALWAYS keeping my chin up... when I help ppl I feel goo about myself... when Im busy Im happy... And ya thats all I can really think of...

Im just so sick of these things... Im not even sure if I am REALLY happy or if Im just being caught in some dirt... cause either way, the pain goes and it comes back later... I cant hide from it... I cant stop looking to be happy, I can stop looking for a dad in my life, I cant stop living in my solitude and dream world, I have nobody in my life that supports and makes me happy, I am TRYING to change my views of things, trying to do something different - but I dont know what to do! I hate talking to ppl about this stuff and I asked my mom If I could see a counseller and she said no.. and I dunno... I just want a miracle or something to get all this crap out of my head! Im really good at coping with my feelings, I never hit/ throw stuff/ hurt myself/ or get too depressed, but Im afraid Im gonna go crazy... like literally?

So there, can anybody talk to me and tell me what Im doing wrong, What I should do, How I could change, or be happy or something, cause I am so lost and scared...

angeleyes,
I can totally, totally, totally relate. In my last relationship, my boyfriend pretty much said that I wasn't allowed to hang out with my guyfriends anymore... well, he didn't come right out and say it but you know how it goes. So when I started blowing them off in a way and I was always hanging out with my boyfriend, they sort of got the picture and wow, my only guy friend was my boyfriend. When we broke up, only a few of them wanted to be friends again. My friends are like yours too... we have such a huge group of friends that sometimes they don't remember all of us when they're planning something and pretty much everytime someone gets forgotten. It's good that you keep yourself busy with things that keep you happy. You should keep doing that, and try finding new activities, like things to do out of the house like sports, or drama, or something that you like and could keep busy with. The thing that, in my opinion, is best to do... is to stop dwelling on yourself. I know it sounds stupid, but I find that it's true that when you think about yourself all the time, you're going to get depressed, cause nobody is perfect. When I start feeling bad about myself, or my life, I just think about other people who have it a lot worse than I do, and I think about the positive things about myself. I hope you start feeling better very soon!

Thanx, but I dunno... You see, I dont want to get mad at my friends all the time and I certainly dont want to tell them how I feel cause I feel so ashamed of myself. I dont want them having to deal with my insecurities, they shouldnt have to. I want a way to be more confident in myself and be happier. I want to change but I dont know how. If I continue being busy all the time I will just be closing myself away from the real world and from people. Ill grow up being a loner, living alone, who knows what will become of me. I just want to be normal, not care what people think, be confident, I want to talk more, and not think of myself all the time, but how? Thanx for ur advice.... but Im still so unsure....