It’s bad enough that hippie mothers and fathers make their kids wear helmets to go to the bathroom, and take coaches to court if their precious little Dylan doesn’t get picked for the softball team.

But now I hear about schools banning peanut butter sandwiches, all because one kid out of a million might sneeze if he sees one.

Ladies and gentlemen, America is turning into a country of thumb suckers and pantywaists!

Did George Washington wear floaties when he crossed the Delaware? Did Raymond Burr shoot Andrew Jackson with a BB gun?

The schools took out praying and dodge ball. Now they hand out free French ticklers in kindergarten!

In my day, we got along fine without all these fancy pinball games and vaccinations. Our parents didn’t make us wear seatbelts, and we got to throw trash out the station wagon window. Those were simpler, happier times.

Now parents dress their little girls like hookers and buy them fake boobs for their birthdays — but they can’t eat a Snickers bar, never mind drop the wrapper on the sidewalk!

I blame Jimmy Carter for pretty much everything and you just know that crazy old peanut farmer’s behind this somehow. I figure he’s sold a million tons of goobers to the A-rabs, cuz the next time the bad guys attack us, they won’t need guns and bombs. They’ll just fly around dropping Reese’s Pieces on our heads and next thing you know, we’ll all be praying to Muhammad.

It’ll be Peanut Harbor, dammit!

So I say: feed your kid a Nestle Crunch or you’re a traitor, you long haired freak!