Monday, November 9, 2009

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I've always suspect the devilish curl at the corner of their smile, the slightest tone of mischief at the end of their sentences, the almost unnoticeable naughtiness at the throws of their hands, the sways of their hairs and the ways of their walks. I should have known it a long time ago - GIRLS ARE EVIL!!!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $50.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly RM100,000.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over RM200,000.

She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the results of her savings and investments.

The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have had sex only with you.'

That's when she shot him.

~

LESSONS TO BE LEARNED:

You know, that's what happens when you don't know when to keep your mouth shut...!!!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

And just as I am about to cross the the line at the junction, the traffic light turns yellow.

Before I could give thanks for making the light and hopefully in time to reach home, a siren sounds and a blue light flashes behind my car.

"Shit!"

I pull over my car.

"License please," the police officer's face is stern.

"But the light was yellow, Officer," I try to sound nonchalant as I reaches for my wallet.

"What's your hurry anyway, Son?"

"Well ... err ..."

"Well?"

"I'm trying to get home to catch Hero on TV, Officer," I sound sheepish.

The officer pauses for a while. He pulls down his sunglasses, looks at me with a straight face and slowly reaches into his pocket.

My hands are trembling slightly when he shoves this badge in my face, "If only you have this, Son," -

The officer's face breaks into a smile. Suddenly music rings from the sky. A disco beats leads to a catchy dancing tune.

"IT'S FREE!!"

I jump slightly out of shock - out of no where a group of colorfully-clad dancers appeared behind the officer and shouted.

They then break into a song and dance routine. My jaw drops.

"Over 6,000 movies - and shows to - WATCH!!"

"Anytime - YOU WANT!!"

As the officer sings expressively ahead of the dancers, my body starts to swing to the beats.

"Heroes?" - "HEROES!!"

"30 Rock?" - "30 ROCKS!!"

"The Office?" - "THE OFFICE!!"

The officer and the group of dancers singing in tandem.

"FREE!!"

This time, I'm prepared.

"No waiting" - "NO WAITING!!"

"No schedules" - "NO SCHEDULES!!"

"No car" - "NO CAR!!"

"No mail" - "NO MAIL!!"

"At your fingertips" - "AT YOUR FINGERTIPS!!"

"No fighting with the kids over the TV" - "NO FIGHTING WITH THE KIDS OVER THE TV!!"

In my professional opinion, I feel the last verse is stretching it a little bit too far. And at this stage, I think the routine is getting a little bit old. But for the sake of my wallet, I keep my smile and start to clap to the beat.

"AND HD!!!!"

The music stops.

Kneeling on one knee, the presenters stretch out their hands and look at me with the biggest grin on their faces.

I try not to burst into laughter.

It's hard.

Darn hard.

As they're finishing their routine, I am a bit relief, thinking I might just get away with this one.

But then, the officer stands up, put on his sunglasses, approaches my car, reaches for his pen and writing pad and starts writing.

"Shit!" out loud, I'm thinking.

As I take back my license, the officer hands me a piece of paper, "Check these out, son!"

Monday, October 19, 2009

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Silence is buzzing around her. And she is certain silence is the only noise around, for her ears are well-trained. A cockroach could have breathed sixteen and a half feet away from her, and her ears would tip towards the cockroach's location. A mouse could have sniff its nose ever so slightly under the cupboard behind the wall over the next house, and her pupils would dilate in a split second.

A soft creak pierces through the wall of silence, as she gently pushes open the door. Her steps are light. She could have approached a leopard on a hunt and the leopard would not have noticed her when she's two feet away - within two feet, she's dinner for the leopard. As sharp as her sense of hearing already is, she tunes it up a notch higher, wary of any surprises.

As she walks to the centre of the room, she pauses. Soft as the breathings are, she sense their existence. Her heart speeds up. But before the heart beats another thud, she calms it down, and pumps her defense up, ready for the attackers lurking behind her.

Everything stay still ...

Then they make their moves.

"Hai!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

This is nothing uncommon in the house of Teenage Blatant Ninja Trooper - the best Ninja training house in town.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

*****

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less

NOW .......

Enough of that crap .

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Monday, October 5, 2009

Being the only male representative sitting in a table where he is outnumbered ten to one and when the ten ladies are talking emotionally about how a husband left his wife for another woman, there is one image that keeps flashing in his mind and stops him from offering his opinion ...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, then went grocery shopping, drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then, it was already 1P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor, ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home, set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then he set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M, he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back. Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though.