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Resurrection

I actually started this thread many, many years ago, when I rode a 2005 R1200RT, and am glad it has survived, albeit modified by my old friend Steve. Hope you haven't heard this, if so I apologize.

A Catholic priest was having a children's mass. He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was. Now, asking children questions can be quite daunting, as he discovered, when a young man raised his hand. The Father called on him to answer, and he said "All I know is that if you have a resurrection for longer than 4 hours, you should call your doctor or go to the emergency room". It took several minutes to refocus the adults attending the mass and for the Father to regain his composure!

Old man calls his son. He says, your Mother and I are getting a divorce. 45 years of misery is clearly enough. We cannot stand the sight of each other anymore. It is definitely over. This is clearly and without a doubt, the end. His son argues that they should stay together, and tries to evoke memories of years of happiness, but the old man persists. The son says, "I'm going to call my sister. Don't do anything until you hear from her. I'll be there as soon as I can get a flight." He calls his sister with the news. The sister call her father, and cannot believe he is considering divorce. She tries to evoke memories of years of happiness, and says she will absolutely not allow a divorce. She says, "I am flying in tomorrow. Don't do anything, don't sign any papers, don't talk to any lawyers??don't do anything until I arrive to discuss this with you and Mom." The husband hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. He says," OK, the kids are both coming home for Christmas, and they are paying their own way!"

Church Painting

There was a painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further...

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool.

He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke?

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light.
Blessed are the flexible, for it is they that shall not be bent out of shape.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule , Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump **** out of an aircraft."

Gun Control

It has already started at Bass Pro Shop's.
There was a bit of confusion at the Bass Pro Shop in Hampton this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

1996 Harley Springer, 2011 R1200RT
When you find a big kettle of crazy, it?s best not to stir it.