"I think of the things that matter. And I think of the things that don't."
—Yo La Tengo

Thursday, August 30, 2007

What Would a Super Demon Do?

I have a question for you. If you were an eight-foot-tall Super Demon, and you accosted some poor soul on a deserted snowy street and could demand anything you wanted of that soul, what would you require?

This question arises from a proposal we received last week at the office. My coworker fielded a phone call from a prospective author who felt compelled to pitch the story of his encounter with such a demon (how one determine the difference between a regular demon and a Super Demon is an outstanding question we have yet to answer). This prospective author encountered the SD while walking home late at night after failing to heed a warning that should he continue walking that route, he would encounter something that would “truly frighten” him.

Our foolhardy correspondent continued down the street and had just turned toward home when the SD appeared in front of a supermarket (see the connection?). Terribly frightening in his visage, this SD sized up our correspondent before making his demand. In a sinister, raspy voice, the SD said,

“Give me a quarter!”

Luckily for our correspondent, he just happened to have a quarter on him. He out his change and delicately crossed the SD’s palm with silver.

And, without a word, the SD closed his hand, turned, and flew through the supermarket window without breaking it. Because, it seems, even Super Demons with the power to pass through windows need to pay for their gumballs.

The SD’s booty has my coworker and I puzzled. Why a quarter? Does this coin posses secret powers we aren’t aware of? Did the SD show mercy (unlikely, as demons don’t truck in grace)? Was the SD merely cheap? Are SDs somehow limited in what they can demand?

We don’t know, and so I thought I would ask you for help. So, if you were a SD, what would you demand and why?

In other proposal news, we recently received this atop a manuscript. The lowercase “me” breaks my heart.

If I were a Super Demon I don't think I'd be accosting people on dark streets at supermarkets. Rather, I'd haunt those that haunted me before I became a super demon. When I was done with that, I'd have to turn good.

I was laughing out loud while I was reading this. If I were an eight-foot-tall Super Demon, I think I would accost an orthodontist and demand braces. Even Super Demons need nice smiles. ESPECIALLY Super Demons need nice smiles.

I kind of like the give me a quarter. I wonder what should happen if you didn't have change.If i were a super demon (sounds like a writing excercise for my ninth graders) I'd be diabolical and demand the frightened mere mortals most secret scared memory - the one they never told a living soul.

If I were a Super Demon, I'd demand massages... lots of 'em! I'd also demand something diabolical like people with vanity driven cosmetic surgical processes be returned to thier former hideous states so that they have to live with their shallow and oft-flabby selves. I wouldn't mess with reconstructive work of course, because situations that are out of someone's control don't warrant my wrath I'm an humane SD.

Booze and Boston bloggers... no good can come of this... I'm still in!

Super Demon was merely confused. It mistook the quarter for a denarius. When last it roamed the earth, a denarius was worth a day's wages. It took the Washington head to be the latest Ceasar and the silver color to be . . . silver and so assumed that it was demanding approximately $46.80. Why should a Super Demon bag groceries for a living when it can simply mug minimum-wage earners who are too scared to withhold the demon-tax?

I would never pay a demon, even a super one, but I might stoop to lower-case begging. Sassy, keep your eyes pealed for my incoming manuscript.

If I was an 8 ft. Super Demon, I'd ask my sons what Super Demons do, them being 8 ft. super demons, and they'd demonstrate and make super noises and super bulge their eyes and other mega stuff. The quarter thing would confuse them though, having just recently grasped the super rudiments of the €.

And if SDs were looking for mullah , they'd want a super number like a gizillion anyway.

No Sassy, this is a bogus super demon, more then likely a normal demonic Joe soap looking to chat up a gal .