2008 Dolphins Mock Draft

I’ve been writing about the Dolphins draft in one form or another since 2005. More often than not, I have been right, they have been wrong. A quick re-cap:

2005: I said the Fins should draft Braylon Edwards. They took Ronnie Brown instead. Now, Edwards is blowing shit up in Cleveland while Brown is blowing up his knee and has yet to finish an entire season.

2006: I said the Fins should try to trade up for Jay Cutler. If not, then draft Antonio Cromartie. They took Jason Allen instead. Now, Cromartie holds the record for longest TD in NFL history, is a Pro Bowler and is generally regarded as one of the best corners in the NFL. Allen is, well, you know....

2007: I said the Fins should draft either Patrick Willis or Brady Quinn. We all know what happened after that.

So now, I’m calling the Dolphins to target two guys: Vernon Gholston and Brian Brohm. Fat fucking chance that happens.

Anyway, here now, my Fins 2008 mock draft. Ah, yes, the mock draft. The most arbitrary, capricious waste of time a blog or website can subjugate upon its readers. So let’s do it, shall we!

1. DE Chris Long, Virginia: As much as I’d rather we take Vernon Gholston, this does seem the safest pick to make at No. 1. And everyone seems to love Long. Long is good. Long is great. Chicks dig the Long. So, I'll cave with convention and say Chris Long. But Chris Long better fucking be exactly like his Dad is all I'm saying. I mean exactly. He needs to have a Hall of Fame career, lead our defense to at least one Super Bowl victory, get that same shitty buzz cut, make pickup truck commercials and star in shitty straight-to-DVD movies.

2 (#32). QB Brian Brohm, Louisville: The Dolphins are going to take a QB somewhere in this draft. That doesn’t mean I’ve given up on John Beck. I haven’t. But it’s just the way it’s gonna be. My personal favorite QB in this class is Brohm. Brohm brings 30+ games started in college, a 65% completion percentage and tremendous athleticism as well as loins of steel. In my opinion, he’s better than Ryan, Joe Flacco and Chad Henne. And there’s no rhyme or reason as to why his stock has plummeted. The injury history is not a problem for me, either. If teams pass on him to fill other needs in the first round, Brohm becomes a bargain here and we have to take him. That’s all there is to it. Brian Brohm is what you want in a franchise QB. Again, I love me some Mormon. But when the most important position in all of football has been neglected and seriously fucked over with for the past decade, you need to stock up on as many potential franchise QBs as you can until someone emerges. My money’s on Brohm.

2 (#57). OT Anthony Collins, Kansas: Collins was one of those tackles who saw his pre-draft hype slowly start to climb last year. Not to Matt Ryan levels, mind you, but still. Howevah! he went back to school killing both his hype and his ’07 draft stock. But that’s good for us. This cat is a 6-5, 319 pound blocking machine. And while he lacks some experience, he’s a bargain at this spot and fills a huge immediate need. Too good to be true if he’s still here at this spot, I say. Know what else is too good to be true? Free donut holes on Wednesday nights at Krispy Kreme. God dang that shit is crazy delicious!

3 (#64). CB Terrell Thomas, USC: Lock down corner with speed to boot, Thomas was a 2007 ESPN.com All-Pac-10 first teamer, Rivals.com All-Pac-10 second teamer and a really nifty dominoes player. Really? Dominoes? I really don't know. Maybe. Yea, what the hell. Anyway, he’s really good at the football. He ran a 4.45, 40 at the Combine, recorded 45 tackles and caused three fumbles for USC last year and can lock down on his receivers like Bill Parcells on a Quarterpounder with cheese. Thomas is projected to fall anywhere between the 2nd and 3rd round, so it’s not inconceivable he’ll be there for the first pick in the third round. If he is, well, you know what needs to be done.

4 (#96). S Tyrell Johnson, Arkansas St.: Another speedy secondary guy, TJ can lay the smack down on receivers as well as cover the run. He’s a bit small but has rabid aggressiveness (just like my penis!). Johnson can also help a ton in special teams. He’s a great athlete, is physical and knows how to head hunt and, in the words of Yeremiah Bell, lay a muthafucka out! In other words, he’s everything Jason Allen has failed to be the last two seasons (Fuck you Nick Saban! Fuck you in the face!)

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5: Our fifth round pick had a concussion. But since Trent Green sucked pretty much as badly as I predicted he would, we get to keep our 4th rounder. Haha, suck a bag of dicks, Carl Peterson!

6 (#186). TE Craig Stevens, Cal: Stevens has “Parcells Player” written all over him. He’s got a Jason Witten vibe to him that I like (Parcells drafted Witten in the third round of the 2003 NFL Draft when he was in Dallas). Stevens has the size and speed Parcells likes in his tighends. He’s smart, has great hands, knows how to block and has good character. Parcells won’t know to draft him, or adopt him.

7 (#190). WR Kenneth Moore, Wake Forest: Couldn’t decide between a WR or a ILB here. In the end, I went with best available player (like any of this shit is actually going to fall into place just as I envision it.) Moore brings good football speed, great rout running ability, and great hands. While Ernest Wilford and Ted Ginn work the primary corners and safeties, Moore will make the big grabs on 3rd and long and even be a solid endzone target (unlike you, Derek Hagan!). He brings a lot of versatility and can also contribute to special teams. - Chris Joseph