Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
5141

Coming Up Short
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they proceed to pick up two hookers and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf is unable to get an erection and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, all he can hear is his little friend shouting: “Here I come again... one, two, three... uhh!”
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first: “How did it go?”
The first mutters: "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on."
The second dwarf shakes his head. “You think that's embarrassing?” he says: “I couldn't even get on the bed.” Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
5142

Annual Physical
An elderly man goes into his doctor’s office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says: "I'm sorry, Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."
"But Doctor," Bill replies, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment, the doctor says: "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa to take a mud bath every day."
"And that will cure me?" Bill asks excitedly.
"No," replies the doctor: "but it will get you used to the dirt." Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
5143

Shocking Discovery
A mother cleaning her son’s room finds an S&M magazine under the bed. Upset, she shows her husband.
“What do you think we should do?” she asks.
“I’m not sure," the father replies: “But we certainly shouldn’t spank him.” Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
5144

Redneck Murder
Q. Why do detectives find it nearly impossible to solve a redneck murder?
A. There are no dental records and all the DNA matches. Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
5145

Blonde Ambition
A man walks into a library and approaches a blonde librarian who is wandering around among the book stacks. “Do you have Great Expectations?” he asks her.
“Yes,” she says: “One day I hope to work at the front desk and get my own parking space.” Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
5146

Job Description
A woman sped over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car with a patronizing smirk and asked: “What's your hurry?”
“I'm late for work,” the woman replied.
“Oh yeah,” said the cop: “And what do you do?”
“I'm a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered: “A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” she said: “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then I get my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it until it's about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the heck do you do with a 6-foot asshole?” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.” Ryan Murphy

Sunday

Joke
N°
5147

Three Knots
An 85-year-old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time’s sake. He finds a prostitute and goes up into a motel room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.
He's going at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks: "How am I doin'?"
The hooker says: "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
“What's that?" he asks.
She says: "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!" Ryan Murphy