I consider myself a breastfeeding advocate. I breastfed all three of my children through toddlerhood.

Here are five habits that breastfeeding advocates need to check:

1) Arguing with moms who say they were unable to breastfeed.

The fact is not all women are able to breastfeed. There’s no way for you to know with certainty whether or not a mom’s issues fall under that umbrella. There are some conditions that make breastfeeding impossible and circumstances that make breastfeeding so complicated/painful/overwhelming that moms choose their sanity over breastfeeding. It’s not anyone’s place to judge another mom’s breastfeeding experience.

If a mom asks you what she might do next time to make it work, that’s the time to suggest some options.

2) Acting like formula is poison.

Yes, it’s nutritionally inferior to breastmilk. Yes, it’s lacking many things beyond mere nutrients that breastmilk offers. Yes, breastmilk is the optimal food for a baby. Formula manufacturers have some major marketing ethics to answer for.

But in some cases, formula saves lives. And it’s hurtful to those who feed their babies formula to insinuate that they are poisoning their child. Let the facts speak for themselves.

There are some moms who know all the facts about breastmilk and breastfeeding and choose not to breastfeed anyway. Remember that there are some very private, totally understandable reasons a woman may choose not to breastfeed. (Sexual molestation, mastectomies, nipple issues that couldn’t be resolved—just to name a few.) Women may not want to go into detail about why they aren’t breastfeeding, even when they know all of the facts. As an advocate, making sure information is available is vital. Providing facts when asked for them is commendable. Hounding someone with facts in the hopes of helping them see the error of their ways is presumptuous and a bit rude.

4) Refusing to sympathize with people who are uncomfortable with breastfeeding.

This one might come as a surprise, considering how vocal I’ve been about breastfeeding in public. I don’t think that it’s a breastfeeding mom’s responsibility to make sure people are comfortable, but I also don’t think that being uncomfortable with breastfeeding means you’re evil.I feel for people who are uncomfortable seeing a baby breastfeed. I really do. They are part of the reason I think moms should breastfeed in public—not to force people to deal with it, but to hopefully, gradually normalize it.

I said it before and I’ll say it again—people who grow up seeing breastfeeding do not see it as a big deal. That discomfort is totally a result of not seeing it, or of only seeing it on rare occasions. I can sympathize with that discomfort. I don’t think it should be coddled, but it wouldn’t hurt to be understanding of it. And since a lot of women don’t breastfeed because of that discomfort, a listening ear and some diplomatic discussion about it will go much farther than browbeating.

5) Letting your passion about breastfeeding come out as snark.

Getting snarky with those who are not there yet will not help them get there.