Alright bros… listen up. I know we all agree that women are complicated and they talk too much but hear me out. If you pay attention to them they’re very simple and easy to understand. They tell on themselves all of the time. Also, they don’t even talk that much we just think they do but we usually cut them off mid-sentence to speak more about things we know way less about.

Anyway… as St. Patrick’s Day rapidly approaches to end cuddle season and begin the warm weather and the slew of holidays where drinking partners are more useful than boyfriends a lot of you will find yourselves single. Here’s a quick guide to gauge whether she’ll use you as a reliable booty call or just forget you exist.

She Dyed Her Hair

If she dyed her hair she either has or is in the process of moving on. She doesn’t miss you at all. Stop calling her. She also wishing you would fade out of existence. She probably has a new man who loves her, supports her goals, and genuinely values her opinions. He makes her feel good about herself as a person. Then he fucks her in positions you were either to lazy to or she wouldn’t let you. Shouldn’t have told her that color wouldn’t look good on her. You suppressed the freak.

She Got A Haircut/New Style

If she got a haircut after the break up it’s hoe season. She’s hitting the gym, drinking water, eating fruits, and taking all the dick she wants… from guys who are fucking her longer and better than you. She’s waking up in strangers beds. She’s hungover twice a week. She’s living life. She could give a damn what you or anyone thinks about her hair all she knows is she likes it. The relationship was probably spent pleasing you and meeting your wants and needs. You fucked that up. Now all that she’s putting that same energy into her own life.

If it’s a professional/conservative style she’s probably become more career and goal oriented. She’s going to become richer than you.

She’s Bald

Shit bro. It’s over. The relationship might as well not have even happened. It’s not even about you, it’s her. She cut off EVERY man from her past. All her exes and booty calls have become non-factors. She doesn’t want a single strand of hair that was touched by any of you on her hair. She’s about to gather a flock of new hoes. Don’t even talk to her anymore. Even if you’re on good terms all she’s going to do is “friend” “buddy” and “bro” you to death.

Same Hair

If her hair is unchanged either the relationship wasn’t that deep or she still wants to be with you. Her social media posts will give it away. If she’s talking about how happy she is and how great her life has become while posting several selfies… she misses you. If she’s not posting any of that overly positive shit you didn’t make a dent in her emotions. She’s disappointed NOT heartbroken.

Wearing Wigs or Weave

If she’s wearing wigs she can fit into either of these categories depending on the amount of wigs and frequency of changes. It’s important to know that lots of wigs with frequent changes means she’s probably going to fuck your friends and maybe a family member or two. She might get a sew-in and fuck your new chick too. Weaves are powerful and dangerous bro.