Worst Love Songs of All Time

Feb. 11, 2009

By IMAEYEN IBANGA via

It's not only that Valentine's Day is a greeting-card-industry-created holiday. What makes the lovers' day so difficult for many single people and couples alike is sitting through all the craptacular love songs that go along with it. And it's not just on Feb. 14 that music lovers have to wade through the crap sap; it's in the days leading up to V-day, too.

In honor of this very special occasion, here's a list of some of the worst love songs ever recorded. By no means is it THE definitive list. But let's be honest: Not only would all of the melodies have a spot on the definitive list, but somewhere — right now, in this country — they're on a mix tape or playlist that is about to be given as a show of affection.

And it's not just that you remind him of a Jeep; it's all the things he wants to DO to the jeep that makes this one of the worst love songs ever.

Remember the days when singers and songwriters used to cleverly mask their sexual intentions? Think "Afternoon Delight." Clearly, before he penned this masterpiece, R. Kelly wasn't privy to the subtlety class previous generations of musicians followed when singing about making love.

Part of what makes this so awesomely awful is that Kelly uses a smooth rhythm to trick you. You're thinking, "Man, this is a silky beat. Surely, It's all uphill from here." Then you hear:

Please believe that if you play this for your special someone on Valentine's Day, that extra "baby" at the end of the chorus is not going to save you from the impending breakup you're about to receive — partly because the song is so bad and partly because he or she will have no idea what it means to be spent like a bank account.

Jimmy Buffett: 'Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw'

Doesn't the name just say it all? What's not to love in this explicit token of affection Jimmy Buffett wrote? I guess you could argue that Buffett should get bonus points for being direct and honest. (That's plus two for Buffett.) There's no wasting time here. But, there's also no cuddling afterward.

Yeah, we heard you the first time and so the repetition makes this overt come-on more lame and lackluster — if that's possible. Once again, Buffett gets a point for calling his lady "honey," but it's minus 1,000 for referring to her as a possible snub queen and bringing up a waterbed.

First, if she has a bad back, a waterbed is the last place she'll want to be. Second, a waterbed — seriously? How 1970s gross of you. She'll love it so much, she'll probably close out her tab and go home — to her bed — alone.