Daily Archives: 22/09/2013

“Which one Nera, I have four on each leg. Oh, I forgot, except for one front leg, there I now only have three. I knocked one out yesterday when I fell off a chair.”

“Fluffy, be careful with your claws. When they are gone, they are gone.”

“Oh yes Nera, you should know, I think you lost a paw full a couple of years ago when you fell off the cat tree and broke your foot.”

“I did not fall off the cat tree Fluffy, I was distracted by Tabby who was fooling around.”

“Nera if I remember rightly, you were enjoying every moment of that game we were playing” answered Tabby.

“Ok, Ok, forget it. This time we will do it right.” Nera always seemed to know the answer.

“Fluffy you have lost a claw, and now we will tell Mrs. Human about the Claw Monster.

“Err Nera, who is the Claw Monster?” Tabby had doubt in her eyes. “I have never heard of the Claw Monster.”

“If you lose a claw then we felines must turn it to our advantage. If a human kitten loses a tooth, what do they do?”

“We havn’t a clue Nera, but I am sure in your wisdom you know the answer” said Fluffy and Tabby in unison.

“Of course; a human kitten is told by its human to put it under the pillow when it goes to bed and the next morning the tooth fairy has replaced the tooth with money.”

“Big deal Nera” said Tabby. “We are talking about a claw and not a tooth and what do we felines need money for. That is a human thing, when they buy our tins of tuna fish.”

“Exactly Tabby, now you are arriving at the solution. Fluffy show Mrs. Human your broken damaged claw and tell her the sad story of how you lost it in a fight with Rosti, the ginger tom from next door.”

“But Nera, that is not true. I fell off a chair and it broke” said Fluffy.

“Fluffy since when do we felines tell the truth, if we can avoid it? First of all you have to gain sympathy from Mrs. Human. You know how she cares for us when we have a fight over territorial rights and she will be so proud of you losing a claw defending our lives. She dislikes the ginger tom next door.” Nera was so pleased with herself.

“But Nera, what is the point in telling Mrs. Human a story about losing my claw?”

“You tell her about the Claw Monster that collects broken claws and brings them to Bast, our leader in the corn chambers of Egypt, who replaces each broken claw with a tin of tuna fish, to be given to the feline that has lost the claw and his fellow felines living in the same commune. You tell Mrs. Human that if you put it under your sleeping cushion tonight Bast will reward you with a tin of tuna fish to be shared to all felines living here. If it is not shared, then it will not work.”

“Nera” said Tabby “are you sure she will believe us. A tooth fairy is a little bit different to a Claw Monster. A fairy is something friendly and endearing, but a Claw Monster sounds like a threat from the feline underworld.

“Of course” answered Nera “we have to integrate respect into the whole situation, that Mrs. Human believes she is doing something good. You know how these humans go all soft when they see that we felines are suffering.”

“But Nera” said Fluffy “I am not suffering. I just gave my paw a lick and everything is OK. Aw, that hurt Nera, you did not have to give me a swipe with your paw.”

“Yes, Fluffy, but now you are suffering with a tear in your eye. So go to Mrs. Human and tell her all about it.”

After five minutes Fluffy returned to Nera and Tabby.

“So what did she say Fluffy?” asked Nera.

“She said that tomorrow is Wednesday and we always have our tuna fish ration on Wednesday. She found it was a sweet story, she wiped the tear from my eye and said I should put the claw under my cushion and tomorrow there will be tuna fish for all of us because we always have it on Wednesday. She also found that a Claw Monster sounds frightening, more a threat than a benevolent feline and the next time Nera wants to invent a story, she should choose another name. A Claw Collector would sound better. And she also said to give her best wishes to Bast the next time you see her.”

If Fluffy could actually play the piano, instead of just sitting there thinking about it, I could probably make a fortune, but felines do not play the piano, although they can sing, especially when they want something.

Yes, I can play the piano. After twelve years of lessons at school, I read music and play the sonatas and other classic pieces that I was told to learn and play, but this is not what I wanted. I happened to meet Mr. Swiss who is a jazzer, although his instrument is drums. Through Mr. Swiss I met a lot of other jazzers. Now jazzers can read music, but they play what they feel, what they hear. For example, Erroll Garner, an accomplished jazz piano player, played by ear. He could not read music notes, he played what he felt. Going back into history, Fats Waller, a jazzer of the thirties, played like a God. At the age of sixteen he was playing his feelings on the piano. He had a musical background, was a super “stride” pianist, but his music was his own.

And me, well after my twelve years of practicing scales, learning to play some pieces by memory, I just did not have the feeling. The only jazz pieces I manage are those where I have the music notes. Nothing from the heart or the feelings, just plonk, plonk, plonk, according to what is written in the note sheets. I am quite good at reading notes, although not exactly a born Scott Joplin. I am still struggling through his original notes to Maple Leaf Rag, or The Entertainer. Although I have quite a large finger span I think those professional composers must have had elastic bones to reach the span of notes they wrote. So I just sit at the piano and hammer out the notes from the music. I am quite good at the Mozart Sonatas, I can play The Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven and even a few Two Part Inventions by Bach (the original Jazz musician to my taste), but luckily I have an electric piano with ear phones to spare the nerves of those listening.

As far as singing to the music is concerned, I am sure I can. I know most of the words and probably a super soloist has not yet been recognised. The problem is that the song to suit my voice has not yet been written. My family just do not appreciate a good voice; they complain that I am out of tune. I am convinced they must have something wrong with their tone recognition. Not only do I resemble Barbara Streisland, but I am sure I have a similar voice. Mr. Swiss disagrees (with the voice part) and so my record contract has not yet been signed (or even set up). My imitation of Mick Jagger gives no satisfaction, although I do know the words of Jumping Jack Flash.

On the other hand if all these wonderful music talents I possess were recognised, my life would have taken another turn.

My multi-tasking talents have never been recognised. I can iron the bed linen perfectly, in five minutes for one duvet, not to mention the perfect shirts I have produced during my married life, with the creases mostly in the right places. Can you iron trousers? Are you able to make your own clothes? You see I can do it, more by having to than wanting to. The first years of my married life were accompanied by four children, two mine and two an accompaniment to the marriage, so I just got on with it. I do not know whether I had talent or not, but the majority of my clothes were self-made and I wore them.

Cooking for six people at lunch time daily was another talent I just developed and the family all survived. Perhaps they were not five star menus, but I got on with it. My cakes were always eaten and in those days I did not have the opportunity to take a photo of them and show them to the world in Facebook, garnishing approval from half the world, although I must admit I have written the odd blog with illustrations.

That is another problem with talents. My talented blog gifts have not yet been recognised by the world blog writers association and my contract has not yet arrived from a well-known publisher to actually put them into print. Ah, the world does not know what it is missing.

I just love these blogs where I can talk about I, me and myself. I know that self-praise is no recommendation, but if I do not do it, who will?

Returning to the talents that I do not have have not yet been recognised, my time is slowly transforming into a golden oldie grey haired phase. My chances of becoming a champion sports woman no longer exist, although I can play a good game of Jass (a Swiss card game). I was also quite good at Facebook games with my own restaurant, a flat and house in Yoville and a wonderful farm, all no longer existing. No, they exist, but I just did not have the time to look after them, I am now blogging to attain recognition in the world of literature

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Women’s March 2017

Originally a cockney from the East End of London. Arrived in Switzerland 46 years ago and due to meeting Mr. Swiss, I am still here. Mother of two sons, have been adopted by 3 cats. Worked 30 years as an export clerk for a Swiss machine tool company and am now retired. Like to go for walks with my camera and write blogs, flash fiction, poems to make life interesting. Speak fluent German/Swiss German, French, Italian and some Russian. Mother tongue: still cockney english.

Freshly Pressed

51 Shades of Blog

Being honest the title is based on a remark made on one of my blogs by a supporter.
"You always turn a topic inside out and on its head" were words also applied by a visitor to one of my blogs. I think she hit the nail on the head.

Prompts are there to act on, not just tell everyone what you had for lunch or your likes and dislikes. I trust that on my blog you find something spiced with humour. Mr. Swiss, my other half, has been known to say that not everyone always understands my humour (I do not always understand his).

Blogging is for me coupled with having fun. I do what I want to and not what I have to.

Disclaimer: Not reponsible for any spelling or grammatical mistakes. I do my best, but having two langugages revolving in my brain (yes, I have one), sometimes the result is more bi- than unilingual.

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