Negative thoughts make Alzheimer's caregiving harder

This morning I went to teach a yoga class at a local studio. Each month, The Karma Yoga Project offers a yoga instructor the opportunity to guide a class for the community with a free will donation collected for a charity or non-profit. The Alzheimer's Association was my non-profit of choice. I arrived shortly before the 10:00 start time only to discover that is was actually an 8:00 start time.

Almost before my next breath my mind raced: "Am I a complete idiot, how could I be so irresponsible?" Followed by my cynical self thinking, "Well, given the week I've had wouldn't you know something like this would happen." Like an automatic switch, my mind was drawn into negative self talk. Remember, our mind believes what we tell it, so in those next several minutes I felt miserable and defeated.

I bring this up because last time we talked about setting intentions and daily affirmations. In this situation, it didn't matter what my intention was, or the daily affirmation I was particularly mindful of. Something bad still happened. Or so it felt.

Similarly, Deborah replied to the last blog with this: "I do try to have a positive attitude but I have to tell you just telling yourself each morning that this day is going to be really good does not change a thing." And I have to imagine that many of you may feel like Deborah — believing it to be an impossible task to think positive when you're living the life of a caregiver. Bad things will happen even with the best intentions.

Whether or not you understand or buy into the power of intention and affirmations, maybe we can all agree that there is a connection between what we think and how our thoughts make us feel. Our thoughts shape who we are. Behind every situation there is a thought, and how we perceive that situation and respond determines how we cope, or not.

In other words, the stress you feel is not only the result of your personal caregiving situation but also your perception of it. Caregivers are uniquely susceptible to unhelpful thought patterns. One example is that of over-generalizing. Let's say the one you're caring for is repeating the same question over and over. Negative thinking would be, "When is this going to stop? This will go on all day. No one understands how difficult this is."

Positive self talk on the other hand sounds more like, "This doesn't go on all the time. After a while he usually gets distracted by something else. I can remain calm and patient for a while longer. This is a symptom of his disease."

The fact is that we can control our thoughts and our mind believes what we tell it. So, when we channel thoughts in a more positive direction, things are better. More often than not, we gain a sense of control and the resilience to cope more effectively with the stress and demands of caregiving.

Why is this concept of positive self talk, affirmations, and perceiving the glass half full rather than half empty one I speak about frequently? Because these ideas and tools give us the power to change what we can change. We can't change many of the realities of Alzheimer's, but we can change our thinking and that changes how we feel. Perhaps most importantly, you may find you become kinder and gentler with yourself.

So, how do you begin the practice of fighting off these negative thoughts? First off, know that negative thoughts happen automatically — remember my immediate negative thoughts about the yoga class. The key is to become an expert in identifying your negative thoughts quickly and not let them linger and find refuge in your mind.

Instead of fighting with your negative thoughts, just be aware and observe them. Don't get sucked into them. Recognizing that you are having negative thoughts is vital. It's at that point that you can choose to replace negative thoughts with positive ones and take control of how you feel.

As I got into my car after leaving the yoga class I never taught, I thought to myself, I can make mistakes, I'm human, I'm not perfect and I'm OK with that. Later that day, I received an e-mail from the organizer of the Karma Yoga Project. He wrote that he found it refreshing to know that I could make such a mistake — feels good to know we all share such imperfection he said.

"It is neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so."
- William Shakespeare

56 Comments Posted

I am a caregiver now. My husband was diagnoised with alzheimer's in 2004. To watch the changes in him is very very hard and to care for him is very difficult. My husband can still at this point be up and around but yet so confused and lost. Even though he had polio as a child the Doctor tells me he is healthy otherwise at 77 years of age. He use to be so active before this happen and always so busy. To exspell some of his energy he seems to be obsessed with wiping on the table with his hand while sitting there. When he sits in a chair he is constantly running his hand up and down the crease of his pants and it is though he doesn't hear me when I try to divert his attention to something else. He is up a lot a night always wanting to go home. I too see such a big change in him around the full moon.....about a week before. It is a very difficult time. Also I find on rainy dark days it is best to burn lots of lights because the darker days seem to confuse him more and it is harder on me. My Doctor has recommended that I try to get to the gym several times a week to do some type of exercise to help my sanity. I do find this helps a lot. My heart goes out to those dealing with a loved one who has this terrible disease. It took me a while to realize I have to understand this is not the same sweet, caring wonderful person I have always known. That person is gone.....they leave you before they really leave you. I am so glad I found out about this website.

barbara

May 25, 2012 11:40 a.m.

I am a caregiver and have been a cna for 8 yrs now. Taking care of someone who has alzheimer's can be a difficult at times. At this time I am dong private in home care and one of my client's is in the 3rd stage. I have taken care of this person for only 6 months and have seen her decline drastically. At times I go outside and take a break and cry. This is not an easy thing for family and friends to handle and my best advise to anyone is please be empathetic. If you could just put yourself in their shoes for just an hour..Being confused, not knowing from one minute to the next what is going on..Can you imagine the fear and anxiety of this person..Also please feel blessed and just be there for this person..We are able to make decisions for ourselves and know where we are..how to get to the store and back..Both my parents were in wheelchairs due to polio and some take it for granted what we can do for ourselves..I thank God every day I can walk and do for myself. Without him I am nothing..To have him I can do all things..Hope this helps someone..God Bless and please do not give up..you can do this and you can hold your head up high knowing you can look in the mirror with a smile..I Peter 5:7 this is a good one..take care
Kay...Yes I have seen changes in residents when there is a full moon..they will really keep you on your toes.

Laura

May 5, 2012 8:03 a.m.

Mary, your uncle might need to be on an anti psychosis medication.
You could take your uncle to a GP doctor and discuss the situation with him.
I am dad's caregiver, he has dementia and a few years ago dad was acting out very strangely and the doctor prescribed a low dosage medication for his psychosis and all is good now. Hope this helps.

Rita

March 31, 2012 12:19 p.m.

Has anyone noticed any correlation between really bad days with the person in your care and the full moon?

kay

March 21, 2012 6:07 p.m.

I was acaregiver to my husband of only 15years, until I was unable to handle the situation alone, he is now in a Long term care facility, unable to walk, confined to a wheelchair, a clever and gifted man is now living in the past, of which I was not part, and I can only guess what he is thinking or asking

Jean

March 10, 2012 9:24 a.m.

My 92 year old Dad was diagnosed 6-7 years ago. His 3rd wife has tried to keep him home for financial reasons. He cannot support his own weight, his health has declined and falls. The wife has many health concerns and is unable to continue care but is fighting Dad's full time care center confinement, which my brother and I are recommending. Legally the wife has control. I am trying to avoid a legal argument, just beleive both need to be safe and sound. His wife's children want to honor their Mother's wishes. We are at an impasse. I am considering inviting a social worker's intervention. What does anyone else think ?

Diane

February 25, 2012 7:30 p.m.

Having read this great piece of positive thinking, I totally agree with it. However, my 88 yrs. husband is VERY negative about everything. He gets angry over the stupidst things and takes it out on me verbally! Guess I keep getting hurt over what he says and take it personally. (No abuse...just verbal). Anybody have any suggestiions? I try to start each day with a positive attitude which I think is very important, but by evening I'm actually worn out!

Dorothy

February 25, 2012 2:20 p.m.

My 60 year old husband was recently diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. He has probably had symptoms for 5 years. He is no longer working. I lost my mother to Alzheimer's disease 6 years ago. I took care of her for 14 years. The only think I learned from this disease is that it is evil. I know what is in store for me and my husband. I don't know how to live without hope

Ann

February 14, 2012 11:07 a.m.

June,Thank you! WOW your self-awareness is fantastic! Plus you're taking good care of yourself. Over the years I fell into caregiver roles for an Aunt and now for my mother-in-law. Their is stress relief that comes with self-awareness and proper self care -it is a journey! With multiple siblings, an honest, open look / discussion around coping skills/behaviors can help to accept people &quot;where they are&quot; and can help to focus on best interest and care of the one in need (SO important to include the loved one early &amp; when able to honor the dignity and desires of their needs). Initially in my journey the role felt like a burden - feelings transformed into a &quot;gift&quot; and uncovered my passion! Stats show that 1 in 4 people provide care for a loved one. As an effort to help other caregivers I changed careers and bring my skills, and passion to work with an in-home health agency who shares the same passion and quality care where we offer respite care, help people &quot;age in place' etc. I am surprised at the many unaware of such opportunity - so this is one way I can help other family caregivers. Alzheimer ultimately requires 24/7 care or a facility - yet facilities can't always provide one-on-one care as needed. I visit and assist regularly, and recently hired someone to visit the two days/wk. so they spend 3 hrs./ wk to queue at meal time and socialize one-one-one. All the best to you! Thanks again for sharing your story!

Theresa

February 11, 2012 8:38 a.m.

June, I understand your situation, but remember YOU are the caregiver to someone who cannot make wise decisions any longer. There has to be a time where you take control of life situations,especially if you are taking care of all appts. Dr.visits shopping ecct.Moving is expensive and exhausting for both of you,so when he brings up just redirect to another subjuct. If that doesn't work remember fixation is part of the disease. My mom after 12 years still planning to move back to her home. I just tell her I'm working on it but will take awhile to get all the arrangements made...she's still waiting but rarely asks anymore. You don't tell him no&amp; put him on the defensive just postpone&amp; redirect to a happy event. Plan something fun to do together. You are strong , and a loving caregiver..you can do it. Good luck. Darlene

Darlene

February 11, 2012 8:16 a.m.

Thanks so for this great blog. Reading what others are going through my heart goes out to all of you. I have been a caregiver for my mom,12 years, Alzheimer's and my aunt for 15 years. Believe me when I say I have made many,many mistakes over the years and if there's one thing I've learned for SURE is to take care of yourself. You WILL be a better caregiver if you do&amp; don't let guilt get in the way of taking care of you. It took me a long time to figure this out,so please don't be emotionally stagnant like me!!! It's ok and HEALTHY to say I love you&amp; I need a day OFF!! I'm lucky to have Hospice and homecare to give me those days off,but find them with the many agencies others have written about. For me,each day is different new physical challenges ,stage 6. Her garbled speech and thoughts are the hardest to hear &amp; keeping her from falling is a 24 hr.job!!! But she's still here and I'm grateful for that each day,no matter what. Hope this helps someone,my heart is with each of you. Dvcsewfun
garbled speech and thoughts are the hardest now to see

Darlene

February 10, 2012 8:54 p.m.

I have had such a frustrating last few days. But last night I just lost it. My husband has this idea stuck in his head that if we move everything would be better. So typically once a year I give in and we move to another apartment, or another town but we just moved to the city before Christmas so that we could be closer to medical appointments and shopping so that I don't have to be away from him so long when I have an appointment. It is a win win situations but I havent even had time to find a support group or respite etc. Then last night he was stuck on the idea he wanted to move back to the city he grew up in. In a different province where I know no one and really he doesnt either. I couldn't cope so I left the room to cry it out. I have never heard of anyone else having this particular fixation. If there is do you have any suggestions for me? I'm tired of moving and just can't do it anymore.

June

February 7, 2012 8:05 p.m.

My 100-year old mother, whom I have been helping for 11 years, was recently diagnosed with Alzheimers, moderately impaired. For 4 years I have been angry about all the time needed to care for her. This is the first time I read the Alzheimers Blog and discovered that many caregivers are angry/frustrated! I have been feeling very guilty about this for 4 years, and now I find out that it is a common emotion. Thank you for the blog!

Suzanne

February 5, 2012 11:27 p.m.

Thanks to all of you, and our Angela, our leader and teacher!
Your support is with me...we all are doing our best even though we feel we all need to be perfect! So it seems, satisfaction of the caregiving long term for me has lead to a low self-esteem...I can't be patient, loving like I want to be all the time.
What is the meaning long term for us? Maybe that we are the only ones they trust and want to be with, and even when we are not perfect, they continue loving us and express that to us? I feel my husband is emotionally stronger than me as he always has been since I met him 31 years ago. Maybe we are stronger than we feel?
P.S. I attended my girlfriend's daughter's wedding last night.
Oh, what an upper for me...reminded me of our romance, vows, and all the fun we have shared together. What good feelings came out!
Blessings to each one of you...we're all sailing in unknown water but we have each other's support no matter what.

Dystonia Hat Lady

February 4, 2012 4:52 p.m.

Rose, I know its hard to hear it when someone repeatedly says that they want to die. They have the right to the feeling, even though you get sick of hearing it. But leaving the room when you get sick of hearing it is only self-preservation. don't beat yourself up over it. It is also part of the grief process of coming to the terms of the fact that your are losing your mother in more than one way. You are still in the process of grieving over the loss of your dad. Read up on the process of grief or the 5 stages of grief might help. If it doesn't maybe talking with a professional of some sort will help. The last thing you need to be doing right now is beating yourself up for having normal feelings and reactions.

June

February 4, 2012 4:36 p.m.

Negative self talk is one of the hardesst things to defeat in ordinary life, let alone living with someone with dementia. It causes us to beat ourselves up unnecessarily. But I wanted to share a breakthrough I had this past year with my husband. Due to several different circumstances my husband and I ended up essentially homeless so for about 8 months we lived without really having a home but living in rooms of peoples houses. The details aren't important what was important for me was that I was forced into a difficult situation of not having a place to escape from the constant questions, boredom etc from my husband but the great thing that happened over that time was that I learned to love my husband for the man he is now not the man I fell in love with. I no longer compare him to who he use to be so I no longer get as frustrated with him, I have more patience and I'm happy to be with him and miss it when I can't sit with him in the same room because of my own disabilities. This has made a huge difference in our relationship. I get less frustrated, angry and resentful. So as hard as those months were I am thankful for them because they have made such a difference in my life because it has given me the opportunity to feel less frustrated and angry with myself for not being the perfect caregiver.

June

February 3, 2012 6:24 p.m.

Hi, I am so upset tonight, my mom keeps saying she wants to die, she prays that God takes her.
I am so tired of hearing her say she wants to die since my dad died, 6/2/2011. She keeps saying that he left her and doesn't care about her. I know she is not normal and her thinking is not right but I am her daughter, taking care of everything her caregiver, have cancer, on chemo and she dose not know what I am going thru. Tonight I was so mad at her I left mad and now I am so upset. I don't know how to handle this problem. Any help would be so appreciated.

Rose

February 1, 2012 3:46 p.m.

mother finally went into the hospital and then to a nursing home... she's on her second... I have had to stay away, this time. I learned.
The biggest shock (besides the nursing home) was the adjustment AT home. For us, my husband and myself. I guess we had never actually THOUGHT about how it would be to not have mom in the house. It has been more of an adjustment than I ever would have imagined.
Not being able to check on her was the hardest. It's been 2 months, now, and I still catch myself going towards her room.
She is a high maintenance case. That is all I will say as I learned the mistake of posting online when your mother is captive somewhere.
So I stay away. I have to.
I can't bear her worst nightmare come true. Coping is HARSH.
Staying positive has been on my brain out of desperation to escape the black hole of negativity. It's a battle of the mind. And it's exhausting!
The profound change in our daily lives... who would have thought?
It's actually worse than when my son left home. Who would have thought?

loving mother

January 31, 2012 10:15 p.m.

Thanks for the reminder about positive self talk, I know it really does work but not easy when you are emotionally drained. I seem to have more problems with guilt then negative thinking. I take my husband who was diagnosed with Alz 11 years ago at age 58 to a daycare 2 days a week for 4hrs each day. The problem is he hates going there and I feel so bad taking him. I've looked into other adult daycare centers but the VA will not pay for them. I keep thinking he'll forget where he's going but that hasn't happened yet.
Thanks for all of your comments and remember to hang in there and know you are not alone!

barbara

January 30, 2012 11:46 a.m.

After reading Donna's comment I wanted to share my recent experience. Hospice allowed me 5 days of respite and transported my 82 year old husband with dementia to a facility near our home. I was very burned out and slept for hours at a time. It was wonderful. I felt a bit guilty for that &quot;out of sight, out of mind&quot; feeling. Bill experienced a fall in Dec. which left him bedfast and incontinent much to his dismay and mine (tho he is easier to care for and keep track of). As the time drew near for the ambulance to deliver him back home, I realized how much I missed him - 58 years is a long marriage. Thank you Donna for the reminder - I will cherish the days we have left together all the more. He still remembers who I am most of the time. Hospice caregivers teach me so much - I am grateful.

Ginny

January 30, 2012 11:43 a.m.

I fortunately live in an area that recognzes the needs of AD caregivers and through donations from two Trusts they have a created a non-profit organization to operate a wonderful facility and staff that takes our loved ones M-F for 4 or more hours a day to give us a needed respite from our caregiving duties. The cost is $40/day (4 nours) which is covered by LTC insurance and others. In addition, the staff is available at any time any day by phone or appointment to help with a problem I know that other communities have some thing similar so check around and contact the Alzheiemers Association as they have some sort of oversight of these facilites.Also, get a free copy of Coach Broyle's Playbook for Alzheimers 's Caregivers that I found very informative and would provide some guidance on issues raised here that are different from some of your responses and I have found his approach to reduce the stress.

Ecker

January 29, 2012 3:41 p.m.

To all you caregivers out there: Love them while you can. My husband has passed away over a year ago from alzheimers and I would give anything to have him back with me to hug him many times and I would take care of him again if only I could have him with me. I took care of him for 8 to 10 yrs. Grief is so difficult when you have loved deeply.

Donna

January 28, 2012 11:23 a.m.

Some good news this week. On Wednesday we saw our GP. She told me that Helen has a seriously high blood pressure problem which may be causing small strokes - a family trait for generations. This could become critical if not dealt with immediately. She also said that this may be the cause for memory loss and should not be handling her own finances at this point. Helen is still resisting, but so far has reluctantly kept up with the added medications and daily recording BP. It's a small step forward, but I am grateful for the medical support.

jOHN

January 28, 2012 7:44 a.m.

To Cindy about the father lsoing the remote. I just have to place mom's on a high shelf where It's reachable for me but out of sight for her. I suppose a second solution is to purchase a second one and allow him to keep it, but your backup will always keep you with one.

Shirley

January 28, 2012 7:35 a.m.

Yes, I agree with the positive thinking. But when I'm so overwhemled that my nerves can't take anymore, and I do pedicare for mother, cutting her toenails and then I may go 2 weeks before I find energy and time to cut my toenails then reality reigns and it's not positive no matter what I try to tell myself. I know this is morbid but one last example is &quot;yes the disease is responsible for her sticking a knife in my abdomen (not literally) but that does not alleviate the severe pain and damage that I experience dut to the incident.

Shirley

January 27, 2012 7:32 p.m.

Anybody have any ideas on how not to lose the remote control. My dad is constantly missplacing it and I have to search the house. Can someone help me?

Cindy

January 27, 2012 3:05 p.m.

My mother is almost 90 and has had Altzheimer's Disease for about 10 years. Although she reently moved into a nursing home, I am responsible for overseeing her care and I live only 10 minutes away from her. As a working mother of 3 with a husband who travels often, I frequently find myself over stressed and anxious. Oddly enough, the one place I feel most calm and secure is when my mother and I can spend some quiet time alone. We both seem to relax and just enjoy the moment-she happy to recieve my visit and me grateful to be in the loving presence of the best mother in the world. Despite all her limitations, she continues to teach me some very important life lessons for which I am grateful.

Maria

January 27, 2012 10:40 a.m.

This week I found myself caught off guard, and in the midst of a negative family situation and negative emotions re: the care of my mom, who has Alzheimer's disease. Afterwards, I found myself wallowing in negative self talk and destructive thought patterns. Your reminder, &quot;Bad things will happen even with good intentions,&quot; couldn't have come at a better time, because at the time, all I could think was, &quot;When is this going to get easier?!&quot; I think that when you are a caretaker you are susceptible to doubting yourself and your decisions, especially when you are lacking family support. Therefore when bad things happen, you find yourself believing that somehow you deserved them, that somehow it is your fault. And frankly, when there is negative family interaction, often members of the family will do their part in encouraging you to feel that way, as they are not able to cope with their own guilt and remorse. Whatever the case, thank you for your helpful, encouraging posts. I posted it on my Facebook page, and tweeted it... as I strongly believe that we need to educate society and help others understand this disease, so that they can better prepare for how they might handle their role as a caregiver, should they find themselves in this situation.

Angie

January 27, 2012 8:13 a.m.

Thanks for writing this, it was a helpful reminder and something I need to keep in the forefront of my mind in caring for my grandma over the past 10 years. Although it is often stressful, what has helped me is reminding myself I have been blessed with family support, allowing me to take a vacation at least twice a year. My grandma also attends a daybreak program every weekday and we are also fortunate to have a respite caregiver who stays with her until I get home from work. Prescription medication to help reduce her delusional symptoms was a necessity or I would never have had a restful sleep. It's great to see such an informative blog, which also offers an outlet for people! Thanks again!

Heidi

January 26, 2012 10:22 p.m.

Yes, affirmations and positive thoughts are important to me. In the midst of it all, I am so aware of all the support we have. I know that there are worse times to come, but I can't stay focussed on that. The things that are good in the moment are...good in the moment. And I try not to be hard on myself when I slip inot the negatives of the days of looking after my husband.

Sue

January 26, 2012 9:43 p.m.

Hahaha! See... So tired! Alzheimers

Paula

January 26, 2012 9:42 p.m.

My husband was diagnosed 2 years ago with &quot;Early onset Alzheimers&quot; at the age of 59. We were making our plans for retirement when this came along, so now our plans have changed and that's ok. Everyday my husband wakes up is a good day, being positive and surrounding yourself and your spouse with happy, positive thoughts and gestures will make a world of difference. Always remember how you would want to be treated if the roles were reversed, smile more, laugh often and tell that person how very much they mean to you.

Judy

January 26, 2012 9:35 p.m.

I couldn't agree more. Our mind is a tool to be used as we choose. If we recognize our thoughts and change them, our life begins to change.
My 89 yr. old mother moved in with us 2 years ago. 13 months ago she came down with rapid onset of Alseimers. It is extremly difficult and challenging taking care of someone afflicted with this disease. What has helped the most? I have changed my expectations of her abilities and think of her as having the capabilities of a child. I still give her the respect and allow her to have the dignity she deserves, but expect child like behavior which includes LOTS of questions! :)

Paula

January 26, 2012 9:32 p.m.

&quot;Mindfulness&quot; is helpful in keeping positive thoughts. There are a number of books on the subject. I read them some years ago. I found just reading about the subject helped. The practice involves meditation which I didn't do. The concept in simple terms involves living in the now. It helped me. I've been taking care of my wife for nearly 10 years. She has been in the severe stage for six. Good luck.

Bill37

January 26, 2012 9:20 p.m.

I wanted to say these comments on positive thinking has really hit home for me and has been very helpful, thank you all. I have been taking care of both my parents for 3 yrs now, both have dementia, my Dad just passed last month before Christmas and thank god I did not have to make the decision of a feeding tube they could not medically do it, I believe that took a big burden off my shoulders unlike Deborah wrote about. I have always heard of hospice, but when they are there for you at this time you really get a whole new respect and appreciation for this service. My Dad only lasted a couple of days once we took him home w/hospice services, but he was able to die at home with dignity and family around him!

Lynn

January 26, 2012 8:17 p.m.

This is good advice for the caregiver or just in regular day to day life. My mother who has Alzheimer's lives with me. Some days I find it a real struggle to get through the day especially if she seems to be in a bad mood in the morning during breakfast. This puts me in the negative for the rest of the day thinking &quot;it's going to be one of those days&quot;. This is when I avoid being in the same room or even looking at her. I need to just turn it around and maybe even try to turn her mood around by talking about what a beautiful day it is or maybe looking at a pretty picture or try remind her and myself of a happy memory we shared together. Thanks your blog helps me get through the day....

Cindy

January 26, 2012 8:03 p.m.

I have been caring for my mother-in-law for the past 3 years. She passed away one week ago today. She got where she couldn't get her words out, i know she knew what she wanted to say but couldn't. It got to the point where i couldn't get her to lay down in bed at night. I wished i had of known that this was one of the signs that it was closed to the end. We got a hospital bed four days earlier and started her on morphine thru hospice. I never expected her to pass away so soon. It seems strange around here now without her and listening for her at night. I have dealt with cancer, kidney failure but alzheimers is the all time worse.

Georgia

January 26, 2012 7:54 p.m.

For over a year, this blog was on my &quot;favorites&quot; and was only one click away. Now I must seach through all of Mayo clinic to
find this blog. Can someone tell me how to get this site back to something simple? Thank
you so much.

Debby

January 26, 2012 7:39 p.m.

This article was on the money! I just spent the last 2 hours with mom who kept asking the same questions over and over and quite honestly my husband could hear the stress in my voice as I answered.I know better, but usually I have some time to prepare myself for the visit. This time I didn't and after working all day I also had no time to unwind. I will do better next time.

R.

January 26, 2012 6:25 p.m.

So very true and thank you for alerting us to what can become commonplace if we let it.
As caregivers we are able to trick the mind....Thanks for the reminder....

Grant

January 26, 2012 5:35 p.m.

Mary, I would be seriously concerned about some one talking about killing people. I would urge an evaluation by a mental health practitioner pronto, today! You might want to take him to the emergency room for an asessment.They probably have someone who could see him there.

andres

January 26, 2012 4:15 p.m.

I would like some advice about how to handle ongoing highly charged emotional periods with my mum. She in now in the advanced stage of Alzheimers and I don't know how much more my father can manage with her at home - especially as he has had a number of heart attacks recently and has spent some time in hospital (they are both in their mid 80's). There is no way they will be split up as long as they are both alive, and we agree that as long as Dad can cope then we won't make an intervention. But there are times when my mum has a complete emotional melt down and doesn't recognise anyone - even dad - and cries like a toddler that she is a good girl and she didn't do anything wrong and wants to go home - even though she is home - and the meltdown goes on and on for hours. It seems no amount of consoling or supporting her or trying to divert her attention stops this. This is so distressing for my children that I have to get them away whilst I try to help out my father, and while I am a strong person and supportive and empathetic, I feel I have my limitations and the emotion of the whole situation is extremely draining. Unfortunately these episodes are also becoming more frequent. This has been a very slow progressing form of dementia and we expect this to continue. I fear my mum will put my dad in his grave well before her. How do nursing staff cope with dementia patients day in and day out? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Casper

January 26, 2012 2:22 p.m.

With dementia affecting a spouse comes legal implications. What's a guy to do?

Jess

January 26, 2012 2:08 p.m.

When my husband starts asking the same question, after three or four times I write the answer on a piece of paper. When he asks again, I tell him to read the answer on the paper. So far, that has worked, and he stops asking that question. Hope this helps.

Ruth

January 26, 2012 1:09 p.m.

Thank you for that blog, I found it helpful!

Judy

January 26, 2012 1:02 p.m.

Mary: Take your uncle to a geriatric specialist. They will check him out thoroughly and refer you to a proper specialist.
Might be Lewy body dementia or something totally different. Good luck.

Terese

January 26, 2012 12:47 p.m.

I find this blog came a a good time. I have been taking care of my mother a short time, but I keep thinking, it is like raising your child, but this child will not mature. I am 57 years old, and just last year you could not have prepared me for what this year brought. I have found a new love for my mother, one I truly did not have as a child. My positiveness come in form of prayer. Some meditate, I pray, which is a form of meditation. Being more positive has allowed me to accept peoples compliments, open my eyes to my strong points, and has allowed me to include my mother in my business plans. Thinking positively helps you and the one you care for. They may have a disease, but they can still feel and see negativeness. You can't just think positive, you must act on it also. You cannot just use words, but your words must carry through in your actions each day. That is where my faith comes in. I do hope that each of you can be positive today, and allow that positive thinking take you to new heights.

Carolina

January 26, 2012 12:35 p.m.

Is constant talking to onesself, the wall, a mirror a symptom of Alzheimers. My uncle talks to the mirror and thinks a. he is God or b. he is talking to God. He has conversations with as many as 6 or 8 'people' at a time and changes his voice each time he changes characters. He also constantly talks about killing people. Is this a part of Alzheimers? If not, what should I do? What type of doctor should I take him to see?

Mary

January 26, 2012 12:08 p.m.

Somewhere in the last year I finally started understanding that I can control my thought pattern and, like any habit, with time and practice it has become easier for me to catch when I am slipping in negative self talk mode and to feel that I don't like being there. It is (generally) getting easier for me to turn my thoughts in a better direction. This happens sometimes when I am feeding my mother and I have a pity party that the other kids in the family aren't helping, don't call, etc. Then I see how addictive it can be feeling sorry for oneself and that I am really in control of a hard situation. Thank you also for pointing out about being kind to ourselves when we make a mistake. I am learning that I can evolve from being my worst critic to my most understanding supporter.

vicky

January 26, 2012 12:02 p.m.

Today I hired an angel to clean our home. She came with good references and is also willing to come and sit with my husband if the need arises. I have been undergoing chemotherapy and face radiation soon. How wonderful to know that with her help we may realize our dream of staying in our home. Yes, we are both going through a lot of health issues. However, I thank the Lord every day that I have the strength to take care of my husband after 64 years of marriage. My prayer is that I live at least one day longer than him so he is never alone.

Audrey

January 26, 2012 11:41 a.m.

Each day I watch my dad die slowly, I had to make a decision to put a feeding tube in or let him starve to death. I clean him the best I can which includes cleaning the horrible stuff that gets in his mouth from not having anything oral.If someone has done this please tell me how you handle this.I can handle God taking my father but I can`t take him letting my father lay there in such a state.His eyes are almost the color of milk, most of the time he can no longer see me even if he could recognize me.

Deborah

January 26, 2012 11:22 a.m.

&quot;God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change...&quot; I kept repeating those words to myself as I struggled to clean the residue from Noro Virus symptoms off the bathroom wall and floor and on the carpet outside the doorway. The disease renders her unable to anticipate these symptoms. Self pity will not clean up the mess. Thank goodness I know how and am able to do for her what she would have done for her loved ones half a century ago. From her caring for us I have learned how to go about caring for her. In such a crisis as this such a gift is a blessing. I can be thankful she, by her example, enabled me to give her care...to demonstrate love?

Doug

January 26, 2012 11:04 a.m.

Thanks for dealing with this part of our humanity. We intentionally try to maintain a positive atmosphere around my mother by having a bright tablecloth, flowers, and inspiring music. Even when the skies are gray, we know the sun is shining somewhere, so there is always a reason to look up and chase away the negative thoughts.

Esther (Michigan)

January 26, 2012 11:03 a.m.

Thanks Angela. Well stated. I have not looked at your site in a while because it all seemed so negative and feeds upon itself with many of those commenting; and I choose to try to surround myself with people who think and are positive. It truly does help getting through each day, and makes it much more pleasant for me and the person I am caring for. I hope those reading your posts will take what you say to heart and start finding the good in things. After all, we all did wake up this morning!

Charles

January 26, 2012 10:52 a.m.

My wife is in her 11th year of dementia. I made horrible mistakes not understanding what was happening. Some of these I have told in my book "A Long Dark Night -- A Caregiver's Journey With Dementia" if you wish to know how I learned, and I believe through it all I am now a better husband and caregiver.

Philip

January 26, 2012 10:35 a.m.

TODAY IS THE 14TH ANNIVERSARY OF JUNE’S DIAGNOSIS WITH ALZHEIMER’S ON THAT BLACK MONDAY JANUARY 26TH 1998!
June passed away after a long struggle of almost 11 years.
June and I were able to spend the first 6 years following her diagnosis doing all of the things that we had wanted to do but had previously postponed doing. We took the trip to Hawaii and to Branson and made a final goodbye trip to London and our friends at Bexley, Kent. That trip coincided with the Sherlock Holme’s festival in London. We attended every other scheduled forensic conference in the US and Canada. We made approx. 35 trips together until Alzheimer’s finally shut us down in year 7.
I dedicated this Poem to June (Written in 1935 by Rosewell) “Should You Go First” The poem has an ending reminding me of June. It was in London Circa 1974 that June taught me how to use the London Underground for getting around London. June who loved London had early on learned to get all around London on the double-decker buses and the London Underground. I had been using the cab because I thought the underground was too complicated and inefficient. I remember so well that day that June took me to the underground station near our hotel and was showing and explaining the signs at the entrance on how the underground operated and then gave me a practical demonstration. Thereafter the underground became my primary transportation in London.
I know that at age 83 I do not have many more years, months or day. I just h

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