jk rowling:
hey so i'd like to make my books into a theme park thing, i think it'd be a great-

some disneyland exec:
pfft, what is this 'hairy poller' stuff? you think we want some wizardy bullshit in this park?

jk rowling:
well i think-

some disneyland exec:
this is gonna make us, like, no money. at all. ever. like, i'm a disneyland guy, you think i don't know what's gonna make us all the money? hint, not this.

jk rowling:
ok so fuck this and fuck you. is universal studios still open?

some disneyland exec:
ooh, speaking of money, someone get james cameron on the phone. that guy makes money just by sneezing!

[now]

the wizarding world of harry potter:
is one of the most impressive and innovative theme park experiences in the whole world with excellent theming and stunning use of new technology to create an impressive and immersive harry potter themed environment

This is for everyone who’s down with the fuckin’ plague and depression right now. I hope you all feel better soon <3

*

Tap. Tap. Tap.

It’s only six in the morning, but Lance has been awake for the better part of the last three hours, listening to the rain hitting the roof and windows.

He squeezes his eyes shut, lets out a groan, and buries himself further into the blankets.

Lance had gotten caught in the rain last night, which normally wouldn’t have been a big deal. Except, he had been feeling a cold coming on for nearly a week now, and the rain had just kickstarted it.

He would get out of bed, but it’s so cold, and his bed is so warm, and he feels like hell.

He sniffles, nuzzling his face into the pillow. He muffles a coughing fit into it and then shivers and pulls the blankets over his head (which is throbbing in time with the rain drops).

Sometime later, there’s a knock at the door. He feels his bed dip and there’s a hand on his shoulder, shaking him.

“Nnnngh,” Lance groans, rolling on his stomach and hiding his head under the pillow.

“Come on, Lance.”

“Go away, Keith,” he croaks, voice muffled by the pillow.

“The storm is going to hit tonight, and you promised us you’d come help me stock up.”

Lance groans. The weather is calling for the biggest storm of the year, which is dumb, because why are they getting a storm in the fall?

“Just go without me, I’m tired.”

“We’re in college, we’re all tired. Come on, classes are cancelled today, you can sleep when we get back.”

“I’m tired,” Lance gripes, gripping his blankets tighter.

Keith sighs in frustration and gets off his bed.

Lance grins sleepily into the pillow, but then, “Shiro, he’s being a stubborn ass.”

“What?” Shiro asks.

“Lance. He won’t get up.”

“Why are you getting so mad?” Lance asks, struggling into a sitting position, “and why are you telling on me? What, are you five?”

Keith’s head whips around to look at Lance. “Because you always do this. You promise to do something, and then you flake. Shiro has to go to work, I can’t get everything by myself. Get up.”

Lance groans and flops back down. There’s no way he’s winning this. “Can you just give me ten minutes?”

“Yes. Now hurry up.”

Forty minutes later, Lance is trudging behind Keith as they walk up and down the aisles at the store. He just wants to go back to bed, because walking is becoming more and more of an effort.

“Lance, come on,” Keith groans.

“I’m…heh…s-sorry...eh-heh…hitsch! *snff* I’m just tired. I want to go back to bed.”

“You can after we get everything,” Keith says, tone clipped.

It’s a long process - Keith is about to murder Lance, because if he hears ‘I’m tired’ one more time, he’s going to throttle him. Finally though, they’re done, and Keith is driving them back to campus.

Lance sniffles again, which triggers a spluttering coughing fit. He quickly buries his face in his scarf, and lets out a low groan of discomfort. Keith grimaces when he hears Lance’s cough, and he glances over at him, concern gnawing at the pit of his stomach.

“Are-are you, um, okay?” Keith frowns.

Lance sniffles again and shrugs, slumping against the window.

*

Lance is bundled up on the couch, wearing a sweatshirt that’s four sizes too big. The hood is flopped over his eyes and the thickest blanket they own draped over his shoulders. He’s gripping a hot cup of tea in his trembling hands - they’re shaking so badly that he doesn’t even bother trying to drink it, because he knows he’ll just spill it all over himself. He wishes he was able to drink it though, because his throat is killing him, and hot tea seems like the only thing that will help.

Keith is pacing the living room, one hand is behind his head, gripping his hair as he waits for Shiro to pick up.

“Keith?”

“Lance is sick. What do I do?”

“Is he okay?”

“I just said he’s sick,” Keith bites.

“Relax,” Shiro chuckles, “what’s wrong with him?”

“I don’t know, the fucking plague or something.”

“It’s not the plague,” Lance croaks, “it’s just a cold, I’m fine.”

“You almost passed out,” Keith bristles, pulling the phone away from his face to glare at his sick friend, “you’re not fine.”

Lance grimaces - the minute they had walked through the door, black spots clouded his vision, and he had to grip the doorframe and sink to the floor to avoid passing out. If he didn’t feel so terrible, he would have laughed at how panicked Keith looked.

Keith turns his attention back to his phone conversation, “I don’t know what to do, when will you be home?”

“They just sent us home, the storm is starting to pick up. I’ll be home in fifteen.”

Lance sniffles, blinking heavily as his vision swims.

“Keith…could you…u-um take the tea…needa lie down,” Lance mutters, shaking his head. Keith takes it from him, and Lance grips the blanket tighter around him as he shivers and drops down onto his side.

“Hhh…hih’nngxcht! *snff*”

Lance curls into himself, eyelids drooping.

“Hey, are you alright?” Keith asks.

“Jus’don’t feel good.”

“Why didn’t you just say you were sick this morning?” Keith demands.

“You were right…I do flake.”

“Being sick isn’t flaking, you moron.”

Lance shrugs. Once the world stops moving, he pushes himself into a sitting position.

“M’going to bed.”

Keith nods, watching as Lance trudges into his room.

As soon as Shiro walks through the door, Keith sighs in relief.

“Thank God.”

“How’s Lance?” He asks, depositing his jacket, umbrella and laptop bag on the floor.

“Nhhh…hh-hih-hih…heh-eh…*snff* hh’ihtsch! Ngsh! Ehtsch! *snff* ndo.” He croaked, congestion seeping into his voice. He chokes on a coughing fit, and Shiro is at his side and pulling him into a sitting position in an instant. At the end of the fit, Lance sags back into the pillow, and Shiro has a hand on his forehead.

He purses his lips, “I’ll be right back.”

*

Lance wakes up in the middle of the night, shivering miserably. He wants to stay in bed, but ice is in his bones, and if he stays in bed, he’s positive he will freeze. He manages to get up, but he’s trembling so badly his teeth start chattering.

Why is it so cold?

“Sh-shiro? K-keith?” He rasps, staggering out of his room. Shiro and Keith are standing in front of the fireplace, both of them are bundled up in jackets and scarves, and they turn to look at him when they hear him emerge.

“Shit, are you alright?” Shiro asks, crossing his arms as he shivers. “I was just about to come check on you.”

“C-c-cold,” Lance says weakly, stumbling to the couch. He drops down face-first, and groans through a coughing fit that makes his chest burn and throat ache.

He feels blankets being dropped over him, but they don’t seem to work. He’s still trembling.

“The power went out, we have no heat, I’m sorry.” Keith sighs. As soon as they get the fireplace on, Keith slips under the blankets, and Lance immediately cuddles up to him. He’s desperate for warmth, and Keith feels like a space heater right now.

“Here,” Shiro says, dropping a pile of clothes next to Lance. “Put these on, stay warm. I’m going to make you some tea.”

“I’mb tired,” Lance croaks.

“Clothes on, then sleep.”

Lance sniffles, coughing into the blankets.

“Come on,” Keith says, poking Lance.

After much poking, prodding and convincing, Lance is wearing two sweatshirts, a scarf, beanie and gloves, and he’s curled up underneath the pile of blankets.

Shiro walks back over to him a few minutes later, places the cup of tea on the coffee table and then disappears into his room.

He appears a minute later, carrying his laptop.

“I vote we watch a movie.”

“I second that,” Lance croaks, voice muffled by the blankets.

Shiro sets up Netflix and then gets underneath the blankets on the other side of Lance.

Lance sighs in relief at the increase of body heat. Gradually, the shivering decreases, and then, he’s asleep.

Edited: I fixed Hunk’s faceclaim. Thank you to everyone who told me what I did/why it was wrong!

Headcanons

• Allura once posted a picture of Alfor mid-sneeze and now has to get all her posts approved by Coran before she posts them (Coran was the one to take the photo)• Her account was featured on a BuzzFeed article titled “The Beauty of Modern-Day Princesses” and I ghostwrote the article

• Keith got (was forced to get) instagram, used it for a day and never opens it• He is however following about 10 sword accounts• Lance choose his username and Keith doesn’t know how to change it

• Shiro has the most followers of the garrison pilots but doesn’t understand why (those arms)• Matt was the one to add “6 years young” and even through Shiro deletes it every time it keeps popping back up (coughPidgecough)

• Pidge doesn’t even try to have an theme but does and Lance refuses to believe that they don’t plan it out • The text message was sent to Hunk at about 3am in the middle of exam season

• Lance comments about 500 emojis on his friend’s photos• His story is just him trying out really cheesy pickup lines on people• He almost tried one on Keith but he had his knife out and Lance just turned around and walked away

• Hunk once got a comment liked by his favorite actor and he screamed when he got the notification and woke up Lance who thought there was a fire• Nobody is sure if Hunk’s description is ironic or not• It is (or is it?)

• Lance Pidge and Hunk have a groupchat where they just send each other videos of animals and memes• Lance once sent Keith a video of a cat that for some reason had a knife in its mouth with “its u”• (Just imagine that they could all have a groupchat) the names of it would’ve been; “Coran’s Charismatic Children” “Hunk Defense Squad” “How come allura and shiro have verified accounts when my theme is more consistent” and “shut up lance”

A man sneezes while five other men are talking over him. You know exactly which one sneezed.

Your brain is now unsure if someone has actually said this or if you can hear their voice in your head.

There is a cult for an editor. We are all members of said cult. We all bring our hands together above our heads. We worship this editor. PE/\KE. SPE/\K. P E /\ K E S P E /\ K

There is an infinite number of Adams.

You click on a video that is 10 minutes long. You black out and come to hours later, watching a different, but similar video.

You are called a shizno and you feel insulted. You do not know what this word means, but you are insulted.

All your money is disappearing. You don’t know where it’s going, nor do you remember spending it, but merchandise keeps showing up on your doorstep. You have so much merchandise. Your room is covered with so many posters that they cover the windows. No way in. No way out. You only wear merchandise now.

One man is constantly constantly shirtless and this is not questioned.

You wanted to watch a silly show about soldiers in a canyon. You didn’t know what you were signing up for. It wasn’t this. Anything but this.

There are two pairs of Joel and Adams and no one ever knows which one a person is referring to.

There are screencaps of tweets on tumblr before the staff has even tweeted it.

Another hypothetical situation has been discussed. They must have hundreds of millions of dollars at this point.

A man is impregnated with an alien child, but this is fine. This is perfectly normal. This child grows up and plays on the basketball team. This is perfectly normal.

You feel the strange compulsion to add “as dicks” to everything you say.

There have been terrible, terrible things done For The Kids.

For some reason the dynamite is kind.

Certain state names make you cry.

One man is simultaneously the dumbest and smartest person alive. You do not question this.

A different man is at once a murderous dark god, a loving husband, and a gigantic nerd. This, too, is never questioned.

There are four of the exact same person. Not cloned, however. The clones are a different story we must never speak of.

Everything is also a gun.

You must pick a team in the great battle of red versus blue. Friendships have been ruined over picking the wrong team. There is no remaining neutral.

No one thinks twice about giving a child access to weapon gun hybrids, nor do they reconsider letting them fight the monsters of the world. Clearly, a man has made many, many mistakes.

You do not know who this drunk man declaring that he is the cheese master is, but you accept his mastery of cheese.

We wonder why we’re here. We see it as one of life’s greatest mysteries.

this is a weird thing to headcanon probably but i have a cold and i keep sneezing and that made me think about different types of sneezing

jack: has an adorable sneeze, the kind that makes every single person near him go “oh my god, that was so cute!”. nobody expects that high-pitched “cheww!” sound to come from jack, but it does.

bitty: the quietest sneeze. people often don’t even realize he was sneezing; just “why did you randomly cover your face for a moment”

shitty: his sneeze sounds strangely like “uh-BRAH!”. how??? it is a mystery

lardo: the loudest sneeze. she’s the kind of person who shouts when she sneezes, and gets annoyed looks from everyone in the library.

holster: always sneezes in threes, but there’s a longer time than usual between his sneezes, so he always gets “bless you”’s for every sneeze and it’s awkward.

ransom: always has really long buildup to his sneezes, often he thinks it was a false alarm, but then the sneeze comes with no warning. “[moments of silence while he stares up at the ceiling but nothing happens]….sorry, i thought i had to snee-CHOO”

nursey: somehow always manages to be taking a sip of something when he sneezes, causing his drink to squirt out of his nose. it’s awful.

dex: nobody has ever seen him sneeze, but rumor has it his sneezes are legendary. every now and then a clip of strange sound will circulate with someone claiming it is a Dex Sneeze, and usually ends up being exposed as a hoax. can dex even sneeze? are they real? i want to believe.

chowder: really shorts sneezes, but really many of them..his record is 15 in a row

tango: always has those really excessive buildups, like “uh-uh-uh-uuuuh-CHOO!”

whiskey: somehow remains straight faced through his entire sneeze. seriously, he doesn’t even close his eyes. it’s weird.