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Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Christmas post still to come, but just wanted to post these photos from Christmas Eve.We have started a family tradition of visiting Hannah's grave every Christmas Eve morning. It brought up a lot of emotions sitting at her grave this year with another baby there with us - I guess I still find it hard to comprehend that Hannah is no longer here with us, but that we do have another baby who is here. I know I have a daughter in heaven, and I know I have a daughter here on earth, but sometimes my mind struggles to comprehend the fact that both of those things are equally true. It's hard to understand having daughters in both places.We decorated Hannah's grave for Christmas.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Our rainbow baby has arrived!!! Abigail Sophia arrived safely at 10:51am on October 28th, 2012. Everything went well and she is healthy and thriving :) We are so in love with her!

Abigail, 4 hours old

Abigail at 2 days old

We are so excited to have her here with us, and enjoying every moment with her! We certainly don't take anything for granted any more. Abigail is beautiful, and has fitted in really well; and we are so thankful to have her at home with us.

Coming home at 3 days old! What a blessing, we never got this moment with Hannah.

She
looks a lot like her older sister! She has the same little nose, and
some of the same facial expressions too. It's a sweet reminder of Hannah
Grace, but also hard at times because I look at Abby and miss Hannah a lot. If Hannah was still here I'm sure she would be enjoying her new little baby sister.

4 weeks old

Abigail is actually 5 weeks old now, but life with her is so busy so I haven't had a chance to come on here and update my blog until now! But wanted to announce that she has arrived :)

Friday, 5 October 2012

Ok so this post is over a month late now. I have had so much happening, and I guess coming on here to post has just seemed too daunting. I haven't known how to put anything into words. I still don't, but I will make an attempt. And over the next week I am going to attempt to bring this blog back up to date again.

September 4th 2012 - One Year On

When Jeremy left for work that morning I just lay in bed crying... I couldn't seem to stop. Jeremy felt really bad leaving me like that, and I know he was hurting too, but he still had to go to work.

I have so many
traumatic memories from the day Hannah died, it's horrible. I saw and felt and heard things no Mother should ever have to experience. I try not to dwell on the trauma that we went through, but significant dates like the 4th bring all the memories back again. So on the morning of the 4th I felt so
drained. And stressed. And sad. And lonely.

I didn't have any strength left, so was just hoping the Lord would carry
me through the day. And He did.

I felt like I went through all those painful emotions on Fathers day already, and now 2 days
later I was having to go through them all again. Last year it was Sunday the 4th Sept, Fathers Day, that Hannah passed away in my arms. This year Fathers Day was the 2nd Sept, and the 4th was on a Tuesday, so it felt like I had to face the anniversary of her passing twice within 2 days.

I was emotionally exhausted.I'm so thankful for the hope of the future, that is promised in the Bible in Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death
or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." How I long for that heavenly day.

At about midday I
went to the park where we held Hannah's memorial service to meet Jeremy during his work lunch break. We had planned to have a special anniversary lunch in memory of Hannah Grace. And thankfully the weather was sunny and warm. I packed a special picnic, including butterfly serviettes left over from Hannah's birthday celebration.

When we met up Jeremy announced that he had taken the afternoon off work so
that he could spend it with me, because he hated me being on my own when
I was so upset. He said he wanted me to know I was more important to him than his work. I actually just stood there staring at him, in disbelief. And then fell into his arms in tears of joy as it sunk in that I wouldn't be alone anymore. I felt so loved by him that he would do this for our
family!

It meant we were able to spend the afternoon together, processing together, and remembering Hannah together. It meant instead of a lonely, stressful afternoon on my own, Jeremy and I had a peaceful afternoon doing things as a couple to remember our daughter. We spent the time walking through the beautiful park together. I am so thankful that the Lord has blessed me with such a loving husband. I could never have coped through this journey without him by my side.Here is a photo collage of photos we took that afternoon for Hannah Grace...

And some that we took for our rainbow baby (at 31 weeks)...

We also scattered some pink petals in the river, from the same bridge that we did this from after Hannah's memorial service last year. It felt both really special, and kind of unreal, to be doing that again after a whole year has passed.

In the evening we had a picnic dinner with my parents at Hannah's grave site. It was nice to just sit there and reflect on her life, and the sunset we saw while there was fittingly beautiful.

However the sunset soon turned into a thunder and lightening and hail storm... fortunately once our dinner was finished. It appears heaven was celebrating one year since Hannah's arrival! It was an impressive display. And certainly lively, just like Hannah was. We rushed back to the car and sat in it just watching the amazing heavenly firework display.

And that's a summery of our day. September 4th 2012. One year since we said farewell our precious first daughter. One year since she joined the Lord in heaven. I don't know what else to say... it was a day full of emotion. Too many emotions to be able to put into words.

But overall a day of loving Hannah and commemorating as a family the short time that we were blessed to share with her.

Friday, 31 August 2012

(Post from August 29th
– I’ve been a bit slow putting it up on here sorry!)

Happy 1st Birthday to our beautiful
daughter Hannah Grace Frances ♥

It's hard to believe it has been a year since
we first met you and held you in our arms. Your Daddy and I will never forget
the moment you were born – we remember hearing the nurse announce “It’s a girl”,
which was followed by your very loud cry! What an amazing sound that was. We
didn’t know what state you would be in when you were born, so we were so
thankful to hear you cry and to find that you were strong, breathing by yourself,
and doing well.

Although we soon discovered you did have some significant
health issues, the doctors thought maybe they weren’t as bad as they had
anticipated; and we all hoped and prayed for the best. Your test results at the
end of that day confirmed our worst fears, but you beat the odds and fought to
stay with us for 6 days. We will forever treasure every single moment from that
week we got to spend with you.

We love you so much precious girl
and miss you every single day. You have brought, and continue to bring, so much
joy into our lives ♥

While there is extreme pain in missing you, we
are so thankful that the Lord gave you to us for the time that He did. Although
we cry, you regularly make us smile too. We can’t help but have joy because of
the precious gift that you are to us. And your life has blessed so many others
around the world as well - what a legacy you have left.

Hope you are celebrating your
birthday in heaven today Hannah. I like to imagine you having a party with the
angels; but I know that whatever you are doing, you are experiencing nothing
but love and happiness with the Lord.

Know that as your family we are
celebrating here, as we are so thankful for your life and the precious time we
got to spend with you. Your little sister has been kicking lots today by the
way – I think she has been excited that it’s your birthday and wanted to make
sure we knew it!

I made you a 1st birthday cake and some party food
too. The cake was in your colours of pink and white, and had butterflies on it
just like you had on your blanket. I enjoyed making it for you. We lit the one
candle, but felt a real sense of loss in you not being here to blow it out.
Your Granddad did it for you. I’m sure you would have enjoyed doing it with him and eating your cake
if you were here – I can just imagine the mess! Seeing as you aren’t here we
enjoyed it on your behalf. I missed you and thought about you with every bite that I took though.

You
got lots of birthday cards and gifts too by the way... you are loved by so many people.

Your birthday was very hard for me
emotionally. I miss you so so so much precious girl. This is not the way things should be. You should be here with us. Celebrating your 1st birthday here with us. We shouldn't have to do this alone. It's not fair, and it's not right. However sadly it is our reality.

But it was still nice to be able
to celebrate your birthday and your life, because even though you aren’t here
with us any more, you are still part of our family and still worth celebrating!

God, please give Hannah Grace Frances a big birthday hug from us. Please tell her we love her.We know you love her even more than we do, and are thankful that she is safe in your arms until we meet her again.

Hannah Grace... sending you lots of love, today on your 1st birthday, and
every day.

Monday, 20 August 2012

In just a few
weeks we will be celebrating Hannah Grace's first birthday. On the 29th of August. I can hardly believe it
is almost a year since we first met her and held her in our arms.

Sadly a year
later Hannah isn’t here with us, and we can’t just buy her the standard one year
old birthday presents. But we still want to do something special for her
birthday.

Jeremy and I
have decided we would like to take a big basket of items to the Christchurch
neonatal unit to donate in Hannah's memory. This is where we spent all of our time with her, and we are so thankful for the care she received there.But having a baby in the unit is so
stressful for families, so we want to encourage and bless them. Just as we were blessed by friends while we were in there.

I know from
experience how difficult it was for me having a baby in the neonatal intensive
care unit, and spending all of my time in there with her. Jeremy and I lived in
a room on the neonatal floor for the week that Hannah was in the unit, and our
whole life revolved around her and her needs. That unit is a world of its own.
When you are in there, nothing outside of it seems to matter. Many parents face
having their baby in there for months. Some of the babies have life threatening
conditions, and each day is a battle. And some of the Mums have other children
to still take care of, health issues of their own, or little support from
friends and family.

So our plan
is to collect new items that we will put together into pretty encouragement parcels
for some of those parents and their babies. We will do some packs with baby
items that are helpful in the neonatal setting, and some packs with items to
help and encourage the Mums themselves. Jeremy and I are collecting the donations,
so we can visit the unit and take all the gifts in together.

If Hannah’s
life touched you in any way, would you consider donating something??

We are
collecting NEW items; such as hand/foot print kits, little hats, prem size baby
clothes, blankets, small soft toys, and pampering items for the mums. Or other
things you think might be useful. If you have an idea but are unsure if it is suitable, feel free ask me. We would love it if items could be dropped off to us or my parents this week, or at the latest in the next 10 days.

Read on for
more information about each of the item ideas…

Hand/Foot
print kits: These give the opportunity for parents to create keepsake memories
of their baby. Whether or not their baby ends up making it and coming home,
having a nice kit to take their hand or foot prints is a special way of
capturing these. When Hannah was in the unit a nurse got some ink prints of her
feet on a little medical card, and I am so thankful for those prints, but it
would have been cool to have something a little nicer to hold this special memory.

Little hats
and premature sized baby clothes: These are always useful. Especially for
babies that are born very premature, as their parents probably weren’t
expecting their birth yet, so may not be prepared. Small woollen hats are
especially helpful, as little babies aren’t able to regulate their body temperatures,
and these help keep them warm. Little clothes are good too, especially ones
that can be easily put on and taken off. And ones that can work around tubes
are extra helpful!

Blankets:
Having a cute little blanket to wrap baby in is really nice. Blankets made of
natural materials (eg. wool) are especially good, as they breathe. It is nice
for parents to have pretty blankets to cover their baby, to wrap them in when
holding them, and as special keepsakes to take home with them afterwards. I
treasure each of the blankets that Hannah used while in the unit, and will
always keep them in her special memory box. They bring back a lot of memories.

Small soft
toys: Little teddy bears etc. are nice to have on baby’s cot or beside their
incubator in the unit. They also make nice keepsakes afterwards as they are a
special reminder of that time of baby’s life. Hannah’s teddy bears were in lots
of her photos, and now they sit in her room as a reminder of her.

Items
especially for the Mums:Little items
for Mum like a nice hand lotion, lip balm, a chocolate bar, barley sugars, and
little boxes of juice for energy, are really helpful when you are spending most
of your time at your baby’s side. When Hannah was in the NICU I certainly found these little things handy
and encouraging. For example a friend bought in a pack of little boxes of
orange juice for us, and they were just the right size for a little pick me up
when I was hot and thirsty and tired in the neonatal unit. The unit is kept at
a high temperature to keep the babies warm, so your skin dries out a lot too. Another friend sent me a gift box
with body lotion and shower gel which was nice, and that scent became something that I will always
associate with Hannah.

Items can be
dropped off to us or to my parents. Please do so in the next week! Jeremy and I
will then put all the gifts together and take them in to the neonatal unit for
Hannah’s birthday.

Financial
donations – If you are unable to buy an item/some items and drop them off to us
(for example for those of you who live far away), but you would still like to
give something towards Hannah’s birthday gift, we are also collecting financial
donations. We have talked to the manager of the Christchurch neonatal unit, and
she has requested that we raise some money to buy some ‘Play with a Purpose’
packs for their unit. Read on for more information…

Play with a Purpose Packs: These packs cost $5 each, and contain some small
toys to provide a distraction for children who are spending time at the
hospital (either themselves, or with their siblings). Items vary depending on
age but can include things such as bubble mixture, a squeezy ball, stickers or
a book. An information card explaining to caregivers how to distract
the child using the toys is also part of the pack.

Christchurch
hospital already has Play with a Purpose packs in its Children’s Acute
Assessment Unit, and the staff in CAAU love being able to give the play packs to
the children they care for as it helps make the experience more
positive for everybody. Results
from this ward and others that have used them have shown that these packs
benefit children, parents, family and staff. Children’s anxiety,
frustration and discomfort is managed better and they are less stressed.

The Christchurch
neonatal unit doesn’t have any Play with a Purpose packs currently, but would
love to be able to buy some. The manager of the neonatal floor would love to
see money raised so that these packs can be provided for siblings of babies in
the unit, as they have to spend a lot of time in the hospital environment. It
is a stressful time for their parents, so these packs would be a huge help in
keeping older siblings entertained. We have told the unit manager we will try to
raise some money in memory of Hannah, so that we can purchase some packs for them for her birthday.

If you would
like to donate money for us to purchase some of these Play with a Purpose packs
for the unit, please message me and I will give you our bank account number so
you can do this.

Thank you SO
much to everyone who has already indicated they want to donate something! And thank you in advance to those of you who still will. It means so
much to us, as it will to the parents who receive the donations, and we REALLY appreciate you doing this for Hannah Grace. We’re
missing her a lot as her birthday approaches, but it is nice to be able to
bless others in her memory. It is healing to be able to bring some good out of
our pain.

Thanks, we look forward to hearing from you and receiving some items over the next week!! If you have any questions please just ask.

August
19th, an international Day of Hope, is about honouring and remembering the lives of babies and children that
could not stay with us. By doing this we are speaking out about the death of
babies and children.

August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy,
infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as
just a sad thing that happened. These babies that die are not sad things that
happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers,
sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.

August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their
short lives.

By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy,
infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that
people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore.

I'm not afraid to speak about this. Jeremy and I didn't just lose a baby, we lost our daughter. It wasn't just a sad thing that happened, it has altered our lives forever. Our family will always have a hole here on earth, as our first child is in heaven. Some people may choose to ignore our pain, or push it aside because it's just too hard to think about, but we don't have that luxury. Our daughter died and that is our reality now. And we won't ever ignore or forget her - in our family she will always be talked about and acknowledged. We will always love her, just as we will always love her little sister, and any other children the Lord blesses us with in the future.

I am so thankful to the Lord for my husband, and my two precious daughters.

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

I am now 27 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby, so only 13 more weeks until she is due :) We chose her name very early on in the pregnancy, but won't be sharing it until she is born. We are really looking forward to meeting her! In the meantime we are being kept busy, especially this month with Hannah's 1st birthday fast approaching. More details to come regarding our plans for this. So stay tuned.

Bubs seems to be doing well. She is growing, and is very active just like her big sister was! We are spending a lot of time watching the Olympics which are on at the moment, and some evenings it feels like bubs is doing her own Olympic training! For gymnastics or something maybe ;) Her Daddy is very sporty, so I wouldn't be surprised haha.

We don't have very much to buy in preparation for her arriving, as we had the nursery all set up for when Hannah was born. Although we have painted it in the past few weeks, as I decided I wanted to change the theme in there, to something that could incorporate things for both Hannah and her little sister. I have also been buying a few girly bits and pieces of clothing for her, which is fun but quite emotional. She will also wear some 'hand me downs' of gifts that were given to her big sister.

It's not like a normal pregnancy though. There is a lot of stress and worry and it's hard to just relax and enjoy this process. There are many mixed emotions and a lot of tears. Being pregnant again is making me miss Hannah Grace extra much. Although in saying that, there is also a deeper joy due to not taking any moment with this new baby for granted. I am thankful for the help and peace of the Lord, because I definitely don't have enough strength to walk this journey on my own. All we can do is continue to cover this little girl in prayers, and trust that God will allow us the privilege of bringing her home and raising her.

Below is a cute photo from our 19 week scan, of bubs giving us a 'high five'!

And a photo from about a month ago, showing how she is growing.

I also just wanted to share some photos from Hannah's grave. I was walking past a book store a few weeks ago, and saw this pretty windmill. It made me think about our rainbow baby, so I bought it and we took it to Hannah's grave as a gift from her little sister. Seeing the rainbow colours in front of her headstone is a special reminder of the two precious daughters the Lord has blessed us with.

Friday, 20 July 2012

I thought it was about time to do another update on our
rainbow baby. Plus we have some big news to share… we found out the gender!

We are treasuring every day of this pregnancy but missing
Hannah Grace so much.

I'm so thankful to be past the morning sickness now, it's
nice to be able to manage being out and about and getting things done without
puking and almost collapsing! It finally started easing up at about 16 weeks,
and by 18 weeks I was feeling a lot better; I still have patches of nausea, but
mostly just if I get run down. We are 24 weeks now, and hoping time speeds by,
as we can't wait to have this little one safely in our arms. This baby is
very active like Hannah was, and we cherish every movement and kick! And are so
thankful for the reassurance that these give.

About a month ago we had a really stressful week as we had our routine 19 week
scan at the end of it. It was such a strong reminder of that same scan with
Hannah, and how it shattered so many of our hopes and dreams and expectations
for her. I cried tonnes in the weeks leading up to it, just missing her so
desperately. And prayed constantly for our rainbow baby, that it would be
healthy. There was no reason why anything should be wrong this time, but we don't take anything for granted. After a loss you no longer have the innocence that most people have while pregnant... we are far too aware of all the things that can go wrong. My emotions were all over the place - missing Hannah so much, worrying
about this baby, trying to trust God, and desperately hoping everything is ok
with this little one.

Well we had the scan, and praise the Lord everything is looking great!!! Our
baby is healthy and active, and is growing well :)
It was amazing to go to a scan and be told that everything was looking perfect,
with no complications at all. What a blessing, and an answer to prayer! We
don’t take anything for granted any more, so we are just so thankful to the
Lord for this gift.

When we were pregnant with Hannah we didn’t find out if she
was a boy or girl until she was born. And we loved keeping it a surprise until
then! But this time around we decided to find out. We knew it would bring up a
lot of tough emotions either way, so we decided it was better to find out in advance
so we had time to process before bubs was born. The birth will bring up enough
emotions of its own. Although gender was so secondary to finding out that baby
was healthy anyway! The Lord gave me a real peace about either; and I knew He
would give us the strength to process the emotions of either having another
little girl, or having to change our mindset to having a son this time.

We had the lady who did our scan write down the gender for us on a piece
of paper and put it in an envelope, so that we could take it away and open it
together later. Hospital settings are really stressful for me as they bring
back so many memories, so we didn’t want to find out the news in that
environment.

When Jeremy and I left the hospital and opened the envelope,
and he read out the gender, I just cried with joy. We were so delighted!!

I made gender reveal cupcakes as a fun way of making the
announcement to my parents and sister. We want to take every opportunity we can
to celebrate this baby :) Once they bit into the cupcakes, they would know
whether the newest member of our family is a boy or a girl!

Here are photos of the cupcakes that reveal our big news…

I made both the cupcakes and the cupcake toppers, and was really pleased with the way they turned out!

The suspense...

And the reveal!

Yes, PINK… we excited to announce that we are having another little GIRL!!!!!!!

Hannah has a little sister!

We are SO delighted that she is healthy and there are no
complications, and we are so excited to be expecting another daughter. It does
bring back a lot of memories of Hannah which is hard sometimes; but we are so
looking forward to, God willing, being able to bring this little girl home with
us which we never got to do with Hannah. We can't wait until November when we will get to meet her!

Welcome

Welcome to my blog, and thank you for taking the time to come here today. If you are reading this, you are probably either a friend or family member of ours, or someone who is walking a similarly hard journey. I pray that us being vulnerable in sharing our story will encourage you to hold on to hope in whatever you may be facing in life.

Our desire is that Hannah's legacy will continue well past her short life; and if you are encouraged by something you read on here, then that is exactly what has happened. However my prayer is that you will be touched not only by Hannah's story, but also by the God who created her and wants a relationship with each one of us. He wants to love us, forgive us, and give us a hope and a future - no matter what we have done or have been through. I pray you get a deeper understanding of this as you read our journey.

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1 Samuel 1: 27,28

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord."(Hannah from the Bible speaking about her son, Samuel). Replace 'him' with 'her', and this is our story.

Isaiah 61 - A Bible passage that inspires me...

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God. To comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."(Isaiah 61)