Twins catcher Joe Mauer, obviously tired of all the effort it takes to select a groupie from the hotel lobby (and apparently split from 2005 Miss USA Chelsea Cooley), has turned over woman-finding duties to Extra TV. (Yes, that Extra.) Seriously, all you ladies have to do is fill out this form. And Extra is really selling it, too:

[B]ehind all that fame and fortune is the humble heart of a regular Joe… Joe’s not the flashy type, but get this, ladies: he owns four houses, loves to shop for shoes, and wants to be married! “Well, I think I’ll be a great husband…I’m pretty easygoing, I’m a big family guy. Family comes first for me.”

“I like all kinds of women: blondes, brunettes, it doesn’t really matter to me,” he said… “If she doesn’t like baseball, I can probably get around that – but it would be better if she did!”

Joe and I are pretty similar. We both like all kinds of women, and we're similarly flexible about what a gal is interested in. I think it was just last week I was telling a friend, that if a girl doesn’t like being drugged with ether and chained up in the basement, I can probably get around that – but it would be better if she did! Because birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim, bloggers gotta take their women in the night as they sleep.

That pushed forward hair cut and slimming sweater scream “table for two at the Olive Garden for me and my baby!” while that hammock in the back says “let’s cuddle up with a Danielle Steele Novel and an acoustic guitar”. Put your tray tables up and your seats in upright position, because this flight to paradise is taking off, ladies.

05.09.07 at 4:06 pm

jimmy

Look at my striped sweater

05.09.07 at 4:38 pm

Other_Dave

I didn’t think I’d ever see the day when a Cat’s Cradle reference came after a joke about chaining a woman in the basement. A tip of the ether bottle to you sir.

05.09.07 at 4:43 pm

hardawayhatesyou

Jack, that and the sweater. And the fact that he’s a “catcher.” Also, he plays for the Twins. As a White Sox fan, I believe every Twin, Indian, and Tiger is gay.

05.09.07 at 5:16 pm

Red

Normally I would make the whole ‘I wouldn’t kick him out of bed comment,’ but after reading that, I think I might. I mean, if you’re a baseball player, wouldn’t you at least require that your girlfriend, I don’t know, like baseball? A little self-respect here Joe.

05.10.07 at 9:02 am

skinfan

ok, i know he’s a baseball player and could surely get some really hot chicks, but HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU SCREW IT UP WITH A MISS USA?!?! SHE IS SMOKING HOT!