'kay. Ranting.

So, the past ten and a half months of my life just went down the fucking drain. I'm trying to explain to myself how the hell I can be stupid enough to keep trusting people...?

I really don't know why the hell I'm writing this down, or where I'm going with this rant-ish thing, but whatever. If you know what's good for you, you'll ignore it.

A blind man could have told me I had "idiot" stamped across my face. He cheated on me once. He tried to break up with me twice. His friend (who's now dead) even warned me to get the fuck away from him on multiple occasions. 'course, I -- all-knowing as I am -- never listen to anybody, and so I got myself hurt...A-FUCKING-GAIN.

And this is where I start to wonder, why am I even still alive? Every single person - family and friends - I've ever trusted has just turned around and stabbed me in the back. I don't base my life off relationships, but being able to confide in somebody without the fear that they'll just disappear some day is something that I like. Yes, zomg, I said it. Despite my personality, I like being around people. Not like a leech or anything, no. But being human, apparently my mental state needs some satisfying social contact to keep myself from going insane (which is what I am at present).

This is where I am now:

I'm slipping down the hill grossly with my financial status. I work 16+ hours daily, and I still don't have enough money to eat on a daily basis. What the FUCK is wrong with that picture? I've been on shift almost non-stop for the past twelve days, and I just found out today that I won't be getting paid for that.
I support my father's every whim and act quite decently around him, but I'm still not good enough for him. He owes me clear over $20,000 US at the moment, as well as the fact he's still alive. I love him, I care about him, but no matter what I do, I'm still subhuman in his eyes. The most attention I merit from him is being smashed over the head with a goddamn stapler if the electricity gets disconnected once (..because he just can't pitch in and help with the bills...) The rest of my family doesn't even want to hear of my existence anymore. They've officially disowned me, trashed my reputation among my ex-friends, killed my faith in blood relation, used me as the scape goat of the family, and to top it all off -- conned me out of my motherfucking inheritance.
My so-called friends are nothing more but leeches. They're always on my back if they need something, but if I turn around and ask merely to be acknowledged as a human being...zomg! I've crossed the line. This seems to be the general trend with people lately.

My days generally consist of working, working, working, putting up with idiots, and lately...looking forward to a nice chat with the person I loved. Today that vanished. That was kinda like the only good thing in my day. I wish I was being dramatic with that, but, no. Between jobs and dealing with my father, there's honestly nothing that makes me laugh, smile, or even just feel good for a second.

So, now. With nothing to look forward to and my trust just smashed in my face for the umpteenth time, I ask again, why the fuck should I still go on living? I know I can. It's not hard. It's not that I'm depressed, or sad, or heartbroken ('kay, maybe slightly, but not enough to result in something overly drastic)...not that I'm crying or feeling miserable or anything like that, no. I just don't fucking want to. I don't want to pick myself up and begin things all over again. I merely want to fucking die. No, not even that. Just disappear. Vanish. Poof out of existence.

Ah, what the hell. I'll just shut up.
If anybody goes about reading this, sincere thanks...heh. It's just an incoherent rant, but it helps to be heard, sometimes.

Sdream...you sound so burned out...you have so much responsiblity with very little thanks or regards...unfortunately, we cannot choose our families...I did not get such a good deal either...I hope that you do not use this as a representation of all ppl...there is a lot of good in the world, things and ppl you deserve...please take some time to find someone who will show you that...big hugs, J