I’m overwhelmed. Am I unwittingly turning my uterus into an inhospitable icy wasteland that shuns helpless embryos? Am I causing my body to be nothing more than a land of inflammation and zig-zagging insulin levels? Am I making endometriosis worse by drinking this cup of coffee?

Oh yes, coffee. That vice I was all starry-eyed to give up last month. Only today—on CD 11—am I finally putting my money where my mouth is. Well, technically it’s still a work in progress: I had one cup of half-caff early this morning. Currently I’m sitting at work staring at my office mug and resisting a very strong urge to brew my daily second cup of joe.

My coffee mug, sans coffee.

An OPK sits nearby on my desk, waiting to be used on my next pee break. The perks of having the office to myself this week = leaving random OPKs on my desk and blogging from my office at 11 a.m. Fertility consumes me even here.

Just another day at the office.

When I read websites, articles, and books—which I do in abandon—about how to get pregnant, I walk away from them feeling like a selfish monster who isn’t doing everything possible to “prime” her body for pregnancy. For optimal egg health maybe I should live off of seeds, quinoa, wheatgrass, and room temperature organic water. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough.

The honest reality could be that the damage has already been done. Look, I’m all for natural approaches to fertility and not heading strait to IVF; it works for many women. But the fact is, I lived below optimum health for years… YEARS! Like, I ate crappy foods, barely exercised, and liberally drank alcohol. I unknowingly basked in BPA, phthalates, and parabens. So did Jake.

But here’s a fundamental difference: whatever damage Jake may have done to his swimmers by engaging in these activities isn’t forever. Presto—his body just makes new ones, so his now-healthy lifestyle means his sperm are healthy too! But I don’t have that luxury, my body isn’t making any new eggs. Are a few years of progressively healthier living enough to undo a lifetime of exposure to Bad Things? I wonder.

All of this culminates into excessive feelings of guilt. Ate a piece of cake? Ninety days until my eggs recover from the insulin spike! Had a cup of coffee? Just trashed my chances for conception this cycle!

While the rational, even-keeled part of me understands that balance is key to all things in life, another part of me—the part borne from my fertility “research”—tells me that I’m just making excuses. That I’m too selfish to want to give up X, Y, and Z for my baby-to-be. What kind of future mama am I anyway if I can’t sacrifice everything possible now?

Then I take a step back and remind myself that my life, my times, our season, our miracle—it’s all in God’s hands. Not that that absolves me of responsibility to live right and do all that we can to achieve a pregnancy… because it doesn’t. I usually dislike the expression, “Let go and let God, ” but right now it rings true. I don’t want to make TTC into an idol. I’ve done everything I know to get pregnant (or have I?? guilt, guilt, guilt….). At some point, that needs to be enough and let faith step in. At some point. At this point.