Miranda Lambert's Gunpowder and Lead

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Sunday funnies

(It’s a little long, but I’m making chili this weekend so I had to laugh--hope you enjoy it!)

Below are the notes are from three judges in a Chili Contest, two of the judges are contest veterans, the other is an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank told us, “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.”

Frank is Judge #3

Here are the scorecards from the event.

Chili A--Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge # 1 said, ‘A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.’

Judge # 2 said, ‘Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.’

Judge # 3 (Frank) said, ‘Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.’

Judge # 3 said, ‘Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people, who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.’

Judge # 2 said, ‘A bean-less chili, a bit salty, but with good use of peppers.’

Judge # 3 said, ‘Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.’

Judge # 2 said, ‘Chili using shredded beef, needed more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 said, ‘My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally (the barmaid) saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticked me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. To hell with those rednecks.’

Judge # 3 said, ‘My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.’

Judge # 2 said, ‘Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. *I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.’

Judge # 3 said, ‘You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing -- it's too painful. To heck with it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four-inch hole in my stomach.’

Chili G--Karen's Toenail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 said, ‘The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.’

Judge # 2 said, ‘This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?’

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Checkout the new blog

Six sets of troublesome words

First, a little background.

My father was an excellent speller and he always said, "If a man could spell every word in the English language correctly, I'd wonder why he'd wasted his life."

I would always smile and accept my less than perfect spelling as evidence a well-spent life. This worked well for me until I was hired by man, who spelled even better than my father. Furthermore, he viewed anyone, so slovenly and poorly educated, that made spelling errors as unfit for employment.

Naturally, I adored my shiny new boss and wanted to keep collecting paychecks. I became a diligent spell checker, stayed employed, and learned a ton of useful skills.

Despite all this energetic effort on my part there are still words that give me trouble--

affect/effect--affect is pure verb--effect can be either noun or verb--I still double check that I've got the one I meant.

callus/callous--thicken skin vs. heartless behavior, why is it we need two words? There are plenty of words that have more than one meaning....

flaunt/flout--show off vs. rebel I know I've read of people flaunting the rules, which simply adds to the confusion. If one can't trust copy editors to get things right....

lay/lie(set)/lie(fib)--technically three words but since two of them are spelled and pronounced exactly the same, only conjugating differently, I'm including them as a troublesome pair.

meretricious/meritorious--appear distinctive enough not to be confused, but again I've read them misused, often enough to always consult the dictionary.

Wreak/wreck--one wreaks havoc, but wrecks cars. English usage does not require either logic or consistency.

Friday, October 31, 2008

So many blogs, so little time

Not only am I addicted to reading blogs, now I'm worried about my blog writing problem. It all starts out innocently, a blog here to talk about writing, another on myspace to keep in touch with my peeps, who hang out there, and then I want a fresh look so why not try out Wordpress?