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A Few Words on Giving Up on Love

I’m sure you have encountered these people in life who have told you that they’ve given up on love. Some of them say they’re happy that way (often somewhat aggressively), others don’t think like trying anymore as it never worked out for them so what’s the point. To me the point is that we only have one life and we should try to make the best of it.

I don’t think that being single is a bad thing. Even prolonged singledom can teach you great things about yourself and you have to be able to be comfortable on your own to be capable of entering a healthy (=not clingy) relationship with another human being. I don’t think a relationship should be a goal, but a happy one should. Humans are social beings, we’re happy when we feel connected and we’re happier in a stable relationship than on our own. The people who decide to throw it out of the window just because it’s difficult are deciding to get rid of a very important part of their life. Sure, you can survive without a partner. In the same way you can survive without friends, job satisfaction, a family and all other things that make the life actually worth living. The question is: why would you?

I know that an unsuccessful search for a partner can be disheartening. The reason why a lot of us struggle is because we had these or other family issues. Maybe our household was in some way dysfunctional in the sense that it was missing out on love. Serial killers happen because their mothers treat them like shit, just watch “Mindhunter” to learn more about it. Listening to how emotionally abused one of the characters was by his mother and how he thought it was logical for him to kill her because of it, made me wonder why I myself have not become a serial killer. The point is, a lot of us are brought up by narcissists and mean people who make us feel worthless. That they don’t know any better doesn’t change the fact that it’s sad and horrible to start your life with emotional deficits. Have your moment now and curse the heavens for that, if that’s the case for you! Now, keep reading. The point is, this is a problem of so many people that you’re not unique. Most of us don’t become serial killers and have a chance at a happy relationship if we work on ourselves.

You must realize that the world isn’t conspiring against you. If you keep being attracted to the same kind of a person that ends up giving you a heartache, your choice of partners is a problem. Recognize the pattern, make a list of no nos, break the pattern. It sounds easy but it’s not at all. I remember meeting all these guys I was attracted to during my sex drought and telling myself not to go for them because it won’t lead anywhere good. It’s tough! When you do that there’s also seemingly no guarantees that it’ll pay off one day. All you can do is try! If you don’t break the pattern yourself, you’ll just keep doing the same thing over and over again. You’re the problem, you’re the one who chooses the wrong people, you have to force yourself to make better choices because you deserve better than more drama in your life.

One of the things that makes it difficult for people with unhealthy choice of partners to follow this piece of advice are romantic ideals that mainstream TV and movies impose on us. In the movie, it’s often difficult at first but such difficulty serves a bigger purpose (=getting the loved one). In real life a bad start rarely leads to a good relationship. Once you make the right choice things should go smoothly. However, if you keep doing the same thing you’ve done all along it gives you the impression of being “easy” because you do something you know. You still feel somewhere deep in your heart it’s not right but it’s “easy” to follow the pattern or at least, much easier short term than to break it.

People get upset that others had better family backgrounds or that they find relationships easy for other reasons such as better looks. They get upset because they tried and things didn’t work out, so now they have the right to stop trying. Of course, everyone has the right to do so but don’t do it just because it’s difficult to change yourself. I need do be a bit crude hear but who the f*ck told you anything in life was going to be easy? Meaningful things in life often require effort. Do you want a happy relationship? A satisfying job? A bucket of money? Most good things for most people mean hard work in this respect or another. You can get hung up on the fact that the British royal family has money and they don’t work but how exactly is that going to help you in your own life? Life isn’t fair. It’s a fact. Think about all the kids with cancer, who will die before they even get a chance to find love. Don’t you think you’re better off? [Also, if that’s your attitude, I suggest you read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson (no, he’s not dead, Richard Manson died, the serial killer, who perhaps just like you had mean parents).]

I find the giving up on love (or anything else) attitude childish. Not that I don’t have the moments of weakness and upset myself when, for instance, I need to work weekends now as I’ve started to work for myself. You can allow yourself to grieve, be angry and scream about the lack of success in an area. Then continue with your efforts. This is the only think you can logically do. Remember that if you give up on love apart from missing out on all great sex and other amazing moments of intimacy and connection, you can end up eaten by your cats when you die. The latter can also happen to you if you end up married but life is a lot about trying to improve your chances.

Perhaps the throwing the toys out of the cot attitude has to do with entitlement. People I know are usually comfortable in life in general: they have food, they have work, they have a roof above their head and they even have enough money for entertainment. This is already more than most of the world has. Material wealth aside, people in the so called Western world also have other freedoms like choosing your partner as a female or the fact that no one tells you it’s okay when your partner beats you up black and blue. They also have other choices they can make, such as the choice to work on one’s self (for instance, I’m sure it’s much more difficult to focus on the quest for love when you’re an uneducated teenage girl who’s married to an old man and a mother of three) or even to pay for professional help if they need help with working on themselves. They have all that but instead of finding opportunities, they choose to get upset with life because it’s somehow difficult in that they can’t find what they’re looking for fast enough. Consequently, they try for a bit, often still behaving against their better judgment in exactly the same way that didn’t bring them any positive results and then get upset it’s not working out. Then they’re like: Here, look, I’ve tried!

Last but not least, stop complaining and sort your shit out. There’s someone out there for you who’ll have to get married to their second best if you don’t show up in their life.

Do you know people who have given up on love (and often) sex? Do you think it’s a viable option? How do you think we can help such people get out of their cocoon? Should we even try?

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5 comments

I agree that giving up on love shouldn’t be an option for any normal person. Sad spinsterhood or a lifetime of being a player don’t have much appeal for me personally.

I am not being defeatist here but I do think the realistically finding love is more difficult than finding job satisfaction, academic success, money,etc. With other things generally if you try hard enough you’ll get what you want or some variation of it.

Love and more importantly a healthy viable relationship (because I think its possible to love someone but not have a lasting relationship) depends on two people being on the same page and working together. And you can’t control another persons actions, desires, etc and the worst thing is these can change over time. You guys could have been on the same page when you met and 10 years down the line things may have changed. Regardless, a life without love is pretty bleak. Yes, some sad spinsters may tell you love doesn’t need to come from a man – you can get it from your friends, family and dogs. But it’s not really the same now is it. Those other types of love are good and all but can’t really compensate for all the other things that come with having a romantic partner (not just talking about bedroom action here though).

Honestly, I still prefer a lifetime of a player than of bachelorhood/spinsterhood.

I disagree. I think in life in general you just work to increase your chances of getting something. If that something is important to you, you just keep trying, even if it means sometimes failing, dealing with rejection or whatever else. A lot of people want to do something particular, be it have a famous and profitable blog (wink wink), become a rock-star at academia or whatever else. Some of us turn out not to be good enough to achieve exactly what we want to. I think all kinds of success require self-work from most people, most of the time and sometimes it’s still not enough.

Scientists say it’s “being in love” for two years or sometimes shorter and actual love starts afterwards 😉 I agree with you about the risk of people changing over time. If you grow and your partner doesn’t, for instance, it may cause issues and a break-up, even if you seemed like a perfect match before. Yet again, we can only do our best and hope for the best. It’s just about increasing these chances of not dying alone and not getting eaten by one’s cats/dogs! 😀

Sadly, I’ve never met an elderly female player. Maybe the do exist the same way unicorns do.

I have met plenty of old men still playing the field in the 40s, 50s and 60s though. But I guess if we are talking about love, one could argue that they’ve also given up in some sense. Although, even meaningless bedroom action is certainly better than a sexless existence.

I know some cougars if you can consider them players. But yes, life’s quite unfair to women in that way. I think even players are looking for love, they just don’t want the commitment and fail to see they go together.