9 Fake Boyfriends To Cure Your Existential Loneliness

Love is elusive. Therefore, you must find ways to soothe your existential loneliness. I’m not talking about your most reliable booty call because even fun-but-meaningless hookups lose their appeal in times of extreme single angst. The itch you’re trying to scratch is not sex, but LOVE. And boyfriends who love you are so hard to come. Until you trip over one, you’re going to need an alternative (and a many bottles of wine). I present Dutch designer Noortje de Keijzer’s “My Knitted Boyfriend,” a customized man-shaped pillow she calls “Arthur.” As the description on her website says:

“My Knitted Boyfriend is a cushion with a story. A cushion with a personality. A cushion to kiss! Or, well… to cuddle, to caress, to hug, and to smile with. Because this man is always happy. And he is flexible as well. He will have a mustache if you prefer mustaches. He will wear glasses if you prefer glasses. He likes to sit on your floor, on your couch or at you dinner table. But most of all he likes to lay down next to you in bed. With your head on his chest and his arms wrapped around you. This way you will never feel alone ever again. With this man you can be sure, he will never leave you.”

Life with My Knitted Boyfriend sounds absolutely divine. Just throw him in the washing machine when he’s getting on your nerves and he emerges smelling like a Downey ball. If only all aspects of life were that simple. We could knit perfect careers and families and apartments that always have hot water and the world would be a fucking utopia. MyBig Fat Knitted Life. Maybe someday. For now … you can knit yourself a man.

If knitted dudes aren’t your thing, don’t worry, there are other options. Here are some other totally viable boyfriend alternatives in your time of need. [NY Daily News]