Friday, March 30, 2012

* Jon calls me on his way home from picking up Emerson yesterday. He says "Are you there?" and I say "Yes" and he says "Oh good. I'm on the way home and I'm coming in hot" which, when asked for clarification became "Get ready, I've got a screaming baby in the backseat and she is starving." I'm still laughing at this because who else talks like this except my husband??

* I just downloaded the game, 'Draw Something' and am now obsessed. If you have a smartphone, download this game! (And then email me so we can be friends and play). Anyway, every single time I, well, draw something, I laugh so hard because it's so ridiculous. I had to share some of the funny drawings I've seen the last few days online.

It's a simple game, and it is hours of entertainment.

And of course, what would "That's Funny Friday" be without a few internet memes??

P.S. I finally finished Book 1..... I AM DYING to read the other two now. I just have to know what happens. (Spoiler alert: No hippos are harmed in the making of the Hunger Games)

Thursday, March 29, 2012

1) They are showing the movie "Wild Hogs" in the room that I can't leave. It's torture. Worst movie ever. 5 minutes in and I already find it racist and offensive. I also find the people around me laughing at it offensive for laughing at such a stupid movie.

2) I have only been through one round of jury selection but never got called. So 24 hours of waiting and no case to speak of

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Below is the lowdown on my first experience with jury duty yesterday. As you can see, I haven't been called yet. But it's 9:19am on day 2, I have coffee, and they're showing Avatar. So in fairness, life could be worse right now. Enjoy!

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8:00am: Arrive at the courthouse. Get flagged at security because I four bags with me. What?? I have to be prepared, this could be a long week.

8:05: Fill out jury questionnaire. Shockingly, there is no question that asks “Do you watch TV shows like CSI or Snapped and think everyone is guilty?”

8:10: Turn in questionnaire. Sit down and whip out my laptop. Panic because my battery is almost dead, and I see no outlet. Oh Em Gee, what will I do without my computer all day?? Give the stare down to the older gentleman at the table next to me, as the outlet underneath his feet glows like a halo.

8:15: Realize there is a power outlet next to every seat. Score!

8:16: Realize I don’t have the wireless access code. Dammit. Go out to reception and find a piece of paper and bring the code back to my seat.

8:17: When I sit down, chick in front of me asks if I found the wireless password. I show her my piece of paper. She takes it out of my hand, says thanks, and places it on the seat next to her. Um, hello?!?! I haven’t memorized it in the 2.5 seconds it’s been in my hands. Crane my neck to see what the password is while successfully avoiding confrontation by asking for it back.

8:38: Go to courthouse café for a coffee. Decide to mix things up and get half decaf, half French vanilla cappuccino. Amazing decision.

8:50: Jury Commissioner tells us lots of things that make me proud to be an American. Also that “No courthouse in the country can run without you” which is why it is VERY difficult to get out of jury duty unless you’re dying, bleeding, or a full-time college student.

8:57: WTF is that noise behind me?? Some guy is sniffling in such rapid succession that it’s grating on my every nerve. Someone PLEASE get that man a tissue!

9:08: Commissioner is still talking about our civic duty. We get the point, really. She says no less than 12 times how we should be happy we’re out of work for the week. Do people really see this as a vacation from work? I guess I don’t get it.

9:12: Watch a video about jury duty being a privilege and our responsibility as US citizens. They show how people were judged in Medieval times. They would tie your arms and legs together, and if you were guilty, you floated. If you were innocent, you sank. Spoiler alert: the peasant in the video sank – hooray for innocence!

9:18: Realize that sniffling man is actually a poor old man with an oxygen tank. Proceed to feel like a jackass.

10:30: They let us go for a 10-minute break. I ask if there if a room where I can go pump. Lady in reception says yes absolutely, it’s a lovely room located inside the women’s restroom.

10:31: Go into the women’s restroom. Find no such lovely room, just a door that says “Shower” and “Staff Only.” Frown and go back to reception.

10:32: Reception lady tells me that room IS in fact the place that I pump. Ok, never pumped in a shower, but sure I’ll go with it.

10:33: Barge past the line of 25 female jurors in line for the restroom. They all look grumpy because they think I’m cutting in line.

10:34: Open the door to the “Staff Only” shower room. Phew. At least there’s a lock on the door. But no chair. Okkkkkkay. How am I going to do this, I think to myself. Proceed to plop down on the floor of the shower stall to plug in my pump. Well, nothing says sanitation like pumping breastmilk on the floor of a shower stall in one of the largest county courthouses in America. I probably have ebola now. Or athlete’s foot at the very least. Emerson, I hope you know how much I love you.

10:34: Realize I left my cooler with my pump parts in the jury commission room. Fvck! Go past the line of women once more.

10:35: Return to shower stall and laugh at myself.

10:45: Back to the jury room to wait to be summoned.

10:50: Still waiting.

10:59: Man, my stomach is growling already. Jealous of the lady to my right with the scrunchie and her delicious looking potato chips. (Good thing me, Holly, and Kristen are on a diet that started today… I swear I didn’t cheat girls! I only fantasized about the chips.)

11:10: Still waiting. Start biting my nails. Stop that!!!

11:11: Where is that music coming from?? Some brave soul thinks we all want to hear his tunes.

11:18: DUDE. Why is that guy talking SO LOUD??? I know every single detail of your personal life now, are you happy?? Jury duty is a very interesting social experiment.

11:28: He’s back on the phone! I am embarrassed for him.

11:37: The Internet is freezing up. NOT COOL, county courthouse. Not cool.

11:48: Still waiting. Man in the aisle over is snoring. Well played, sir.

11:49: They call more jurors, and I still haven’t gotten picked. Trying not to take it personally.

11:54: They call more people… still not me. Not special.

12:00pm: We’re dismissed for lunch. We get 90 minutes. 90 minutes!!! What other establishment in the country takes a 90 minute lunch break?? If my car weren’t parked in the garage two blocks down, I would totally take a nap in my car.

12:05: Walk down the street to look for lunch. Ohmyyyyyy. There’s a Chipotle. Give in to lack of willpower.

12:15: After waiting in this long line, my hunger has gotten the best of me. But I try to be good and order a Chicken Bowl with brown rice, fajita veggies, tomato salsa, cheese, hold the sour cream (oh but I wanted it soooo badly)

12:20: Walk back to the courthouse. Call Jon on the way. He tells me our little monster was an angel this morning. Of course. She’s an angel every morning J

12:25: Arrive back at courthouse. Go into lobby area and proceed to CRUSH my Chipotle lunch. Not one morsel of rice was spared in my attack.

12:47: Go back to shower floor to pump again. Appreciate the irony in that I felt dirtier than ever being in this shower room.

1:02: Buy some wilted grapes and a 150 calorie Rice Krispie treat from the courthouse café.

1:10: Look up my burrito nutrition info on chipotlefan.com. 19 grams of fat and 450 calories. Meh. Could be worse I guess.

1:12: Log calories into MyFitnessPal.com. Try not to feel like the computer is judging me.

1:14: Man these grapes are wilted. This is what I get for picking a healthy snack.

1:19: Actually, the ones toward the bottom aren't so bad.

1:21: Go to Pinterest. Wonder why I haven't thought of this earlier. I feel like I never get to pin anymore. Priorities.

1:25: Give in and trade the grapes for the RKT. Only eat half.

1:29: Eat the other half.

1:40: They call for more jurors.... oh my goodness. This room is almost completely empty and I STILL have not been called. WTF?!?! I just counted are there are only 12 of us left, of the 180 that started with me this morning.

Monday, March 26, 2012

We had a lovely, relaxing weekend. Like most (ok all) weekends, mine was consumed by playing with Emerson and keeping her happy.

Here's our weekend rundown in a nutshell:

Friday night: We did alot of cuddling. We got a report from the babysitter that Em might be getting bottom teeth. TEETH?!?! Only big girls get teeth. She wouldn't let me open her mouth enough to check myself, but, like the good mommy I am, I immediately whipped out the teething toy I've been wanting to try.

Have you met Sophie??

The most amount of money you'll ever spend on a chew toy, but I've heard over and over that it's like baby crack when your child is teething. It smells weird, and Jon said it tastes funny (yes, he tried it) but Em seems to like it so it's now a part of our lives and our living room.

Then we went to Babies 'R' Us, and Emerson is now the proud owner of the Fisher Kick and Play Piano. In other news, I am a sucker.

We had to stop in the "Mother's Room" for a quick feeding and diaper change, so we took the opportunity to have a photo shoot with mom and baby. In case you're wondering, yes, those are baby knee highs she's wearing. Probably the one and only time she'll wear them since her thighs are so chunky. BTW, chunky baby thighs are hands down the greatest thing on earth. Look.

While Jon and his dad were golfing, Em & I went shopping with Aunt Lindsay! She helped me pick out a necklace for Lin's wedding. This is my bridesmaids dress:

via Nordstrom

We went to Charming Charlie to find something purple and funky to go with it (I added the funky part-Lindsay just said pick whatever suits us best). I had it narrowed down to two choices, so I let Emerson pick the winner:

Must....get....sparkly....thing

Then on Sunday we went to Aunt Kenny's for a cookout. Emerson got to try on her Baby Gap jeans, but all she really cared about were her rainbow striped socks. Girlfriend STARED at them once she discovered her feet.

What up, yo?

She also had quite a bit to say about the NCAA tournament:

I also ran 5-6 (maybe 4?? We're really not sure) miles with Holly and Kristen. We are holding each other accountable for our food indulgences choices for the next week in an effort to eat better/healthier. We can do this ladies!!!!

And that was my weekend.

Today I am coming to you live from JURY DUTY. I was summoned while back on maternity leave, so they postponed it until this week. I am keeping a running commentary today that I'll publish tomorrow. Let's just say it's been... interesting. Here's a hint: I probably have ebola.

Friday, March 23, 2012

By the end of the week, many of us are drained emotionally, physically, and mentally. So I thought why not come up with a way to celebrate the last week day and get some good chuckles to start the weekend off right! To do this, I'm officially instituting what I call "That's Funny Friday."

Feel free to join me if you dare. But keep some Depends on hand, because I'm about to drop some funny shiz.

Here's what's making me laugh today:

I'm obsessed with Pinterest. FACT. And now because of Pinterest I'm obsessed with funny memes. Seriously, some of these make me laugh so hard I cry. Here are some of my favorites:

It all started with this one:

(I probably didn't pee my pants while eating at a Red Lobster and showing Jon this picture, knowing we had a baby girl on the way. Yeah. Probably.)

And then I discovered Condescending Wonka. My life will never be the same.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

that I have eaten a Jimmy Dean Turkey Sausage Muffin every single morning for the last 2 months. They're only 260 calories - sue me. They just haven't stopped being delicious.

that I have made 3 independent trips to Sam's Club just to buy mega boxes of these delicious little treats (they're 4 for $9 at Kroger or 12 for $11.50 at Sam's.... hello bargain!!)

that I felt such a strong sense of camaraderie with the gal in front of me in Target because she was buying my favorite mascara. Bat those eyelashes girlfriend!!!

that I have a problem paying more than $20 for a blouse (cheapskate) but I have no hesitation in dropping $40 + shipping on a whim to buy Em something called the Baby Merlin Magic Sleepsuit. When I say it out loud I feel slightly stupid. But it's OK.

that my hair looks super frizzy when its warm out - I'll trade frizz for the 80 degree days we've been having fo sho!

that I still watch How I Met Your Mother. It's getting progressively less funny with every episode, but dammit..... I have to know who the mother is.

that I have no time to watch the news or anything of substance, yet I just admitted to watching HIMYM. (On DVR - justified due to lack of commercials)

Thursday, March 15, 2012

It's funny, I still don't call you Emerson to your face. You go by so many nicknames at home, with the most predominant one as "Monster." We started calling you Monster when you were first born because you were just so itty bitty, and we love our irony. And now "Monster" has evolved into many new affectionate nicknames including Monstress, Monsterlicious, Monsterific and Monster Mash.

Look at that belly...she works out.

I NEED a real camera! Having so many blurry pictures of you in unacceptable!

Anyway, kiddo, you are 3 months old!!! The time flies so quickly because every day with you is a new adventure. In fact, you've changed so much in the last 10 days I feel like I'm getting whiplash! You have become a completely different baby. I guess I know why they call the first 3 months of life "the 4th trimester." Gone is the fussy particular newborn we've loved these last few months. She has been replaced with the most curious, wide-eyed, smiley, active and alert baby this side of the Mississipp'!

It is SO FUN to watch you discover and explore new things. These past 2 weeks, you've started "talking" and "sitting up" like a big girl. Dear Lord, please help Jon if he has to live in a household with not one but two motormouths. Don't fret, we'll buy daddy some earplugs. You have found your voice and you LOVE it! Case in point:

You are obviously very advanced for your mere 13 weeks because you've discovered you own dialect, with vocab such as "Ahgoo" and "Oooeeuuu." And several times now, when someone has said "Hi" to you, I swear to Bob you said "Hi" back. I have witnesses - you are a genius.

Your best friends are still Duckie, Puppy, and the newest addition to the Wubbanub family, Horsey. Except now you use them not just for a pacifier, but you just love to gnaw on their arms and legs. Ahhh, carnivorism... so adorable.

So Mommy just has to brag a little bit here... you are 3 months old, and you have never had one drop of formula. I was very intimated about breastfeeding before you arrived, but it came so naturally to both of us. I am very proud of myself and of you and am so glad we've stuck with it. I know it is the best thing for you, and this is my little way of feeling like a good mom because I am physically able and willing to do it. Sure, it would be more convenient if anyone could give you a bottle at any time, but providing for you is my number one priority. Just remember this when some loser with frosted tips offers you a beer at a college party - remember that mommy went without wine for over a year so you could have a higher IQ. It's all about sacrifice, princess.

You are doing SO good at the babysitter's. I was worried that you'd be miserable without your mommy (and vice versa) but instead I get happy updates and pictures of you all day long. I think it's because you have a crush on Colin. (I'm glad you like older men...infant boys are sooo immature; however, you're not dating till you're 30, so it's a moot point).

You're starting to look more and more grown up, and you definitely are your father's daughter. You look just like him. But sometimes when you stare up at me with your big beautiful eyes, I see a little mommy in you, and it melts my heart.

You also LOVE being outside. It's been uncharacteristically warm here in Ohio this winter, and it was 77 degrees last night! We took you on a long walk in our neighborhood, and you were in baby-staring heaven. You charmed everyone who peeked in your car seat, and I feel like we should have gotten free fro-yo because of your cuteness. (Biased much?? No way). Oh yes, there's a fro-yo place in our neighborhood now.... we will be there 3 times a week this summer. My favorite thing to do is to sit with you on our porch swing and gently rock back and forth. You just stare off into space, and give me the occasional coo, but I can't recall ever feeling so content as I am in those moments with you.

Every single day with you gets better, and though I want you to be a baby forever, watching you grow makes me so proud to be your mom.