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Fans of the Lord of the Rings will understand. Frodo and Samwise Gamgee are famously embroiled in the greatest undisclosed gay love affair in cinema history. It’s so undisclosed, it reportedly has never happened. Watching the movie, however, I wouldn’t put any money on it.

So, what’s a homophobic garden gnome to do when the uninvited house guests begin taunting him and calling him a hobbit?

Every Monday, the garden gnomes will publish a meme as a reflection of their very soul. The meme will be a statement of the core of our garden gnome character. We hope you like these aphorisms, for they are for you as much for us.

Oh, who am I kidding?

We’re as self-centered as you are. The difference is, we submit. You should too. Send us your flash fiction. Send it now. Send it when it is ready. Just send it. Enter our monthly Flim-Flim games.

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Garden gnomes are known for their sense of humor. They also notoriously have a big family. Sprites, elves, drows, nymphs, satyrs, leprechauns, and jubjub birds are all distant cousins. The last thing in the world you want to do is jack with a garden gnome.