December 14, 2006

'Ass' Me Anything: Deconstructing Jackie Stallone

In recent years, American television programs like The Office, Wonder Showzen, Battlestar Galactica, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Arrested Development,and Lost (which has, admittedly, taken a dive, but whose producers will hopefully see it return to form) have proven that we can produce some pretty damn good shows. That both broadcast and cable networks have shown patience in adopting (and even nurturing) promising programs into maturity is a healthy sign that we may continue to witness television inch toward the highbrow.

Naturally, Flavor of Love, Dancing With The Stars, and Deal Or No Deal could prove otherwise. These phenomena are colorful reminders that the majority of TV continues to suck ass. However, European television also continues to fuel, if not further break ground, with mindlessly stupid reality programming that - much like its American counterpart - exists alongside a small minority of brilliance (see French and Saunders, Ricky Gervais).

Among such works in the UK, however, exists Celebrity Big Brother, a spinoff of the massively popular Netherlands-born Big Brother, a show that fizzled here (relatively speaking) but continues to as much as generate headline news abroad. Lame, huh?

Sometimes, however, there's something to be said for mindless entertainment, especially when it isn't accompanied by any sort of bravado or two dozen models drooling in anticipation for a cue from Howie "Soul Patch" Mandel. A show like Celebrity Big Brother, as it turns out (and for whom I owe Michael many, many thanks for providing me with the footage and, more importantly, the initial suggestion), with its cleverly patient editing and brilliantly humiliating projects [assigned by "Big Brother" to the cast], is just that: dumb yet so very worthy of your time. Normally, a cast of D-list celebrities - the only of whom I recognize as Brigitte Neilsen - living in what appears to be a windowless prison furnished by Ikea where their every move is recorded and broadcast live is a concept that would otherwise not hold my attention for very long. Luckily, though, the producers of Celebrity Big Brother apparently racked their brains for someone of minor celebrity whose bizarre behavior, personality, and antics would be worthy of having enter the house as a "surprise roommate." Even better, why not make her the estranged ex-mother in law of Nielsen?

Enter Jackie Stallone.

Aside from birthing Sylvester (And Frank! Don't forget Frank!), facts about Stallone's life include the following, according to Wikipedia:

As an astrologer who realized she could read asses, Stallone "invented" the term Rumpology.

Stallone launched a cosmetics line that she claims cures (...wait for it...) skin problems.

She was once a hairdresser.

She was also once a trapeze artist.

She lied to her husband about having an abortion (and God gave us Sylvester Stallone).

She consults with her dogs whom, she claims, provide her with information "about the future."

She is currently married to a plastic surgeon who is the same age as Sylvester

Our first glimpse into Jackie Stallone's life is broadcast in an early segment that opens on her eighty-five year old, jewelry-encrusted hands as she plays piano and nasally warbles an off-key rendition of "Danny Boy." Must more be said?

Well, why not?

When Jackie Stallone opens her mouth, one hears what sounds like the drunken lovechild of Don Knotts and Julia Sweeney as Pat following a stroke. In pictures, I expected her to speak with a strong Staten Island accent, but to discover a mildly Midwestern drawl submerged in post nasal drip only brings the cartoon more to life. But, alas, she isn't from New York, nor is she Italian, which she emphasizes by saying, "I'm so un-Italian, it isn't even funny." (Seriously, quoting Jackie Stallone is like choosing from a buffet of awesomeness.)

From the moment she arrives (during which she's greeted as "Queen Mother" by the cast dressed in Elizabethan costume) to the moment she's voted out, it appears that Jackie Stallone has absolutely no idea what's going on. Given that she's 85, who can blame her? She calls Brigitte "Bridget," pluralizes "Big Brother," and appears genuinely shocked any time it's mentioned that she's being filmed. Slowly shuffling through the house looking like a robot that regurgitated Raven Symone dressed as La Toya Jackson, Jackie does little besides urinate and sleep, at one point being described by the omniscient Scottish narrator (?) as having been wearing the same pair of pajamas for "36 hours." She wonders aloud what Big Brother "looks like" and also claims that, by the end of her run on the show, she'll have shown more "tits and ass than [her] husband has ever seen."

Jackie Stallone has nailed deadpan. The lady's a comic genius and she doesn't even know it. Bob Balaban and Dustin Hoffman should take lessons, although at The School of Jackie, they might not appreciate the first rule of not emoting, which is to undergo enough facial reconstruction to make Jocelyn Wildenstein look like Princess Diana. Additionally, Stallone has massive difficulty breathing quietly, as she constantly emits smacking noises before and after uttering a sound, licking her upper gums as if she's spelunking for poppy seeds.

I should really stop talking and just provide some more key points:

Excluding Brigitte - to whom she was once related - Jackie never fully learns the names of her housemates.

She never quite learns how to properly sit on a soft cushion.She calls Big Brother a "shit show," further claiming that the only Big Brother she knew of before joining the show was, in fact, the mentoring program.

She requests of Big Brother that a harpist is sent into the house to play during dinner as a means off "cultural enhancement."

Despite having no apparent trouble sleeping [all the time], Jackie claims her waterbed is "full of lumps."

Having entered the Big Brother house "like a lady," Jackie feels she's endured enough torture to leave "like a dog" by the end of her stay.

After Jackie chooses not to cooperate with her cast, Lisa (another housemate) tells her that she should have "done her research" before joining Big Brother, to which Jackie replies, "I certainly did not!"

Clearly relieved after her elimination from the Big Brother house is announced, Jackie expresses frustration to the host, claiming she was originally promised to be sent to "a mansion filled with crystal chandeliers" (which, incidentally, are like "the ones you see when you go to Heaven"), where she was to live alongside "eight brilliant minds."

In night vision, Jackie Stallone can see through you.

To the credit of Celebrity Big Brother, they really know how to put together a montage. Again, sit back and watch what happens when Jackie Stallone is, to her surprise, more or less imprisoned against her will (...allegedly).

2 Comments

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