The Miller

In which Gilbert (known to his friends as “Windy Miller”) becomes bored of milling grain for a living, and responds to an urgent business proposal with the idea of converting his windmill into a retail outlet. Fans of Camberwick Green, Trumpton and Chigley may just recognise some of the characters Gilbert comes across...

Cast of characters

Gilbert Murray – proprietor of Gypping Mill.

Joshi Sitaram – allegedly a businessman who wants Gilbert’s help to set up a new shop in the UK.

I am Mr Joshi Suhas Sitaram. I am a businessman who deals on cosmetics and jewellery accessories. I have an obscured business suggestion for you. I am a citizen of India who is currently based in Africa due to my kind of business. I have a two main shop where I deal on cosmetics right now and it is called Suhas Shopping Complex. One of which is in India, my hometown, and the second one in Nigeria.

I write you because I am making a “QUEST” to invest overseas so that I can situate another branch office of my shopping complex over there in your country. I have been longing thinking of what I could do to extend the horizon of my business worldwide as soon as it continues to grow and I deemed it fit to write this mail to seek your unrelented and confident assistance to help me achieve this goal.

Furthermore I have consulted with my executive board and resolved that for your interest and assistance you will be a shareholder in the shop and you will be the manager of the branch office. Hence that would be situated in your country. All I need from you is just your kind help as you will be the one to take care of the shop over there as soon as it is established and immediately it is established, myself and my executives Mr Desmond Motaung (Executive MG, India) and Mr Alan Barret (Executive MG, Nigeria) will be coming to your country for an official meeting and the opening of the shopping complex.

I want you to be rest assured that in this whole project we are embarking on, you don’t have to spend your own funds as the company will take care of any fund that would be required to stock the complex with goods. All I want is just your assistance and trust as my capital will be on this project when it commences. And I also want you to know that I will be waiting for your swift response before letting you know further details of our successful conclusion of this project.

Your co-operation will be very welcomed.

My kindest regards,

Joshi Sitaram

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: Regarding your business proposal

Sent: Fri, 23 Jul 2004 10:58:38

Dear Mr Sitaram,

I am writing in response to the email you sent to me earlier this week. I must apologise for not replying sooner – you must have thought I was never going to get back to you – but I have been away for the week and have only just managed to check my emails.

I have been wondering why you chose to contact me with your proposal. However, I am very glad that you have done. I would be very interested in finding out more details.

As you contacted me directly, presumably you know something about my current business, although to be honest, I am surprised that details of my humble business have spread so far afield.

Please send me further details as soon as possible.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Identification Required!

Sent: Fri, 23 Jul 2004 05:30:19 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Gilbert Murray,

Thank you very much for your response, and your interest in this project. I am also glad to note that you are a noble and trustworthy person whom I can rely on for your capabilities to handle this project.

Like I said before, due to this issue on my hands now, it became necessary for me to seek your assistance. I appreciate the fact that you are ready to assist me in executing this project, and also you will help me in investing my money in your country and I would love to assist with the charity homes as well, I am quite certain about that.

You should not have anything to worry about. I will do everything legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly, it shall pass through all laws of international trade, you have my word.

Having resolved to entrust this project into your hands, I want to remind you that it needs your commitment and diligent follow-up. If you work seriously, the entire project should be over in a couple of weeks.

READ THE FOLLOWING AND GET BACK TO ME:

Firstly, I will want to know precisely the type of occupation that you do and how old you are. You should note that this project is highly capital-intensive, this is why I have to be very careful, I need your total devotion and trust to see this through. I know we have not met before, but I am very confident that we will be able to establish the necessary trust that we need to execute this project.

I am now in contact with a foreign company (Banana Republic company) that would supply us with the necessary goods that we would need to stock the shopping complex and I would let you know when it’s time for you to get in contact with them.

As result of this, we will have to go into a legally binding agreement.

I will obtain a certificate of joint partnership agreement between the both of us which will be sent to you as we get on smoothly on this project.

After which we can then instruct the company (Banana Republic company) that we are ready to purchase the goods. I will also perfect the documentations with the assistance of my attorney to give the project the legal right.

Furthermore after this is done you will have to secure a shop that we can purchase or let as the case maybe where we set up the shopping complex before the delivery of the goods at the appropriate time, and thus your position is that you will be the Managing Director in charge over there which implies that we are partners in business as yourself will be a shareholder in the firm.

Before I commence, I will need you to send me a copy of any form of your identification (driver’s licence, work ID or international passport) and your current address. I want to be sure that I am transacting with the correct person. As soon as I get these from you, I will commence the paper work.

I hope you will understand why I need all these. The capital that would be involved is huge and I want to ensure that I know you well before I proceed to give you all the details to commence the project. I will also send you my international passport upon receipt of your identification.

Please reply soonest.

Regards,

Joshi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: The information you requested

Sent: Fri, 23 Jul 2004 14:59:12

Dear Mr Sitaram,

Thank you for your prompt response to my email, and for providing me with further information about this business. I am delighted that you want to move forward with me as a business partner. You have chosen well: my word is my bond, and I promise you that I will never let you down.

You asked for more information about myself. I am fifty-two years old. I live in a small village in the Lincolnshire fens with my wife Elizabeth and our son, Gilbert Jnr. My full address is Hemlock Cottage, Cold Harbour Lane, Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, UK.

As for my profession, I followed in my father’s footsteps: I own and run Gypping Mill, a small traditional wind-powered mill which has been in my family for hundreds of years. The mill has a long and proud history: Gypping Mill is mentioned in the Domesday Book. Of course, the present building is only a few hundred years old, but it stands on the same site as the original mill.

Each generation, the mill has been passed down from father to son, since time immemorial. However, times are changing, and I doubt that I will be able to pass Gypping Mill on to my own son when I retire. Gilbert Jnr is more interested in animals than grain, and wants to become a vet when he grows up. On top of this, the competition from large industrial mills is becoming ever more fierce, and the market for traditionally-ground flour is rapidly diminishing.

Given the current economic climate and changing tastes, I feel that the time is ripe for me to move away from milling and into a new business. I have long been considering converting the mill into a retail outlet of some sort. The mill and its outbuildings are extremely picturesque, as well as offering a good deal of space. I think it would make an ideal retail outlet.

This is why your proposal attracted my attention, Mr Sitaram. Would you be interested in siting your new shopping complex in a traditional windmill? I think it would be a great asset to the business. What do you think?

Incidentally, I am rather confused by the type of shop you are talking about setting up. In your initial email you said that you sold cosmetics and jewellery, but in your last email you mentioned that you were going to source your supplies from a company called “Banana Republic”. Are you intending to sell fruit as well? Please clarify.

You asked for some identification. I have scanned in a copy of my passport and attached it to this email. Please send me yours by return: it will be nice to see who I am dealing with.

By the way, I am afraid that I will not be able to devote any time to this project this weekend; I am going away for a long weekend with the family tonight, and we will not return until late on Sunday night. I apologise if this makes things inconvenient.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. All my good friends call me “Windy Miller” (an affectionate nickname I gained while at school as a result of my father’s profession). I would be honoured if you would call me the same, my dear fellow.

I thank you for your email and upon the receipt of this mail I send you a copy of my international passport for your preference.

I shall await your receipt of this mail before we commence fully. And I want to clarify you that Banana Republic is a company that deals on jewellery and cosmetics of all kind including active wears.

As soon as you receipt on this mail I shall let you know the way forward.

Once more Miller, thanks, for you are indeed a man of your words and of a good moral conduct. You are indeed a handsome and hard working man and I assure you that the both of us shall be very good partners and family friends as I now know that you are of indeed a matured mind capable to handle this project.

I await to hear from you soonest and say me well to your family. As myself is also a family man with my wife and my kids, so happy as we progress on this, I shall send to you my personal family picture.

Thank you for sending me a scanned copy of your passport. It is good to be able to see who I am doing business with. I look forward to receiving the photograph of you and your family that you promised me.

I enjoyed an excellent weekend away with the family. We stayed in a little caravan by the seaside at a charming place in Suffolk called Sizewell. The weather was not as good as we had hoped for, but we made the most of the weekend and have returned back to Gypping in the Marsh literally glowing with energy.

One thing crossed my mind this weekend. If we are to convert Gypping Mill into a new retail outlet, that will involve a fair amount of work. I shall call in Mr Clutterbuck, the local builder, to inspect the place and see if he can come up with a rough estimate of the amount of work involved and what it will cost.

Mr Clutterbuck has an excellent reputation in the area, and has experience of working on retail outlets. He recently renovated Miss Lovelace’s hat shop in the local town, and Elizabeth assures me that he has done an excellent job. She should know: she buys hats from Miss Lovelace on a regular basis.

Please get back to me and let me know how we can move forward, Mr Sitaram.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Step Forward My Good Brother

Sent: Mon, 26 Jul 2004 20:02:28 -0700 (PDT)

My Good Brother Windy,

Thanks for your prompt response to my mail as I have read your mail and understood very well and very much glad to know that you have an intent of converting Gypping Mill into a retail outlet so as to minimise the expenses which is a very brilliant idea.

As you have quite stated that you are going to call the local builder to inspect the place to give us a rough estimate which this is going to cost, I want you to let me know as the rough estimate is valued.

And I want to also let you know that I know you are a businessman capable of making the best suggestion as to where we are to situate as you will be the MD over there. I want to let you know that wherever you know is best for us to establish, do not wait to seek my consent as I want you to carry on and feed me back with the update.

Furthermore, I have contacted the foreign host company that supplies my shop with goods in bulk and informed them that we want to purchase cosmetics and jewellery from them. The Manager, Mr Meli Bord, has given me full assurance that his company would supply as soon as we are ready to purchase.

I want to let you know that as soon as we get the estimate from the local builder you shall send a mail to him that we are ready to purchase items from his company which myself already told him today. That way you will receive a claims form from him which you have to fill and send back to him immediately.

Once this is done we are at the peak of this project.

I await your mail.

Regards,

Joshi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: Some important questions

Sent: Tue, 27 Jul 2004 12:03:29

Dear Mr Sitaram,

I called in Mr Clutterbuck the builder, and he turned up midway through the morning to discuss the possibility of converting Gypping Mill into a retail outlet.

Mr Clutterbuck had a good look around, and asked me a number of questions which I realised I was not in a position to answer. I thought I would pass them on to you: you should be able to answer them much more easily than me.

How much square footage do you want to devote to retail space, and how much to behind the scenes space (stock rooms, staff rooms, etc)?

How many car parking spaces do you want to provide for?

What styles of retail display cabinets will you require, and what cubic capacity of enclosed cabinets do you need?

Do you have your own design for the shop (colours, logos, styles of shop fittings, etc), or will you leave it up to us to come up with something appropriate?

Do you have a budget in mind for the renovation?

Will you require any secure, lockable retail cabinets and/or stock rooms for the jewellery?

Will you require any refrigerated cabinets and/or stock rooms for the fruit?

What size delivery vehicles do you want to provide access for (small van/7.5 tonne truck/HGV)?

How soon do you want to be able to open the shop?

Mr Clutterbuck told me that he needs answers to all of these questions before he can provide me with a rough quotation for the conversion work. He also mentioned that it was probably worth getting Chippy Minton, the local carpenter, involved at this stage, as he would be needed for the construction of the shop fittings and display cabinets.

Mr Clutterbuck also said that it would be a great help if you could send me some pictures of your two existing retail outlets. It would give him a better idea of what type of shop we are aiming to create.

I have heard some very good reports about Chippy Minton’s work. Apparently he did an absolutely marvellous job when Lord Belborough asked him to repair the orangery at Winkstead Hall last year. According to Lord Belborough’s butler, Brackett, Chippy Minton was extremely reliable too.

Please get back to me with answers to all of these questions and photographs of your existing shops by return, Mr Sitaram, so that I can forward them onto Mr Clutterbuck.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: How are things progressing?

Sent: Wed, 28 Jul 2004 12:19:57

Dear Mr Sitaram,

I am slightly disappointed not to have received a response from you yet, with answers to Mr Clutterbuck’s questions.

Mind you, I suppose this is not too surprising; detailed questions such as these require some thought and careful consideration. No doubt you are working away diligently at this very moment to come up with answers.

Please do not leave it too long before you get back to me, Mr Sitaram. Mr Clutterbuck told me yesterday that he is in some demand, and if we want him to start work on the mill within the next month or so - which seems like a good idea to me - we will need to provide him with answers as soon as possible.

I got in touch with Chippy Minton yesterday afternoon and he is calling round this afternoon with his assistant Nibbs to discuss the kind of shop fittings he thinks would be most suitable for the mill. I am also going to ask him to have a good look at the structural timbers in the place: Gypping Mill is very old and I am afraid that some of the timbers might require treatment for woodworm before any construction work begins.

Get back to me as soon as you can, Mr Sitaram. I am most excited by the prospect of turning Gypping Mill into a jewellery, cosmetics and fruit emporium, and I really think we should strike while the iron is hot.

How are your family, by the way? Unfortunately my wife Elizabeth is not feeling at all well today. She has a terrible temperature. I have called out Dr Mopp, who is coming out to see her later today. If you want a doctor, get Doctor Mopp, for he can stop a sneeze or a wheeze, or a lump or a bump, a headache or a sprain, or rheumaticy pain.

It’s better to be safe than sorry, that’s what I always say.

I look forward to hearing from you soon, my friend.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Answers

Sent: Wed, 28 Jul 2004 08:25:43 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Windy,

I got your email and am sorry for no prompt response from me, yet I apologise and please do bear with me as I have to carefully provide answers to your questions, of which I had to also discuss with my executive over here for so as to give you a concrete answer.

First and foremost the square footage required for the retail space in addition to the scene space, ie the stock room and staff room, should be an average of a quarter square mile so as to allow a proper ventilation and easy footage when we have much customers, eg tourists.

The car parking space should be able to contain a minimum of 80 while a maximum of 120 at a blow.

The retail display cabinet you require should be best known by you because you know best what cabinet attracts people over there, but it should be that whom you as the managerial director knows to be the best that would attract the generals whom come in there for shopping.

Yes my good brother, I do have, but I shall leave this up to you to do something you knows best is appropriate, that is why we are partners. I entirely want to leave virtually all the decision to you because you knows best what will fit in the space of the windmill if it’s been converted into a shopping complex. The symbolic colour over here is green which is national. You can as well do so. And the logo is an eagle which stand for unity and peace, is also national, so I advise you to make use of something like that in your country which is national. It also helps advertisement and attracts the social economic sector to boost the trade we are embarking on.

Not yet. I don’t have any budget in mind for renovation but that I want you to let me know the estimate for the renovation, but the stock of goods to open up the shop sum total budget I have drawn is $78,000 that I would use to stock the complex. As soon as Mr Clutterbuck has costed the renovation, give me the estimated cost.

Yes, the jewellery cabinet should be made of glass so that it should be transparent. That would make it attractive of which everyone will notice that it’s a jewellery cabinet for easy identification.

Yes, the refrigerator is inevitable as it will be needed for chilling the soft and preservation of fruits. This also should have the door made of a transparent glass.

Both vehicles my brother will be needed, as the small vans will be used for express delivery of items from each doorstep while the truck will be used for bulk goods for transbounderies.

I want an expedite commencement of the project as I want this shop open within the next three weeks my good brother.

I want you to let Mr Clutterbuck start the costing immediately as I shall let you know when you shall be contacting Mr Meli Bord so that he can send you the claims form for the goods immediately. I shall get the retail outlet snapped, scanned and sent back to him as soon as possible, but I would want you to make use of a modern retail outlet in your country.

Thanks once more my brother. Looking forward to hear from you.

Regards,

Sitaram

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: We are on!

Sent: Wed, 28 Jul 2004 08:42:14 -0700 (PDT)

My good brother,

Am really sorry for no prompt response as I wrote on the receipt of your last mail I have to carefully answer your questions. Am really sorry my brother that Elizabeth is sick. I do really want to let you know that I pray she gets speedy recovery and I wish to meet with the miraculous doctor and Elizabeth soon. Say me well to both.

Once more I apologise for the delay as I shall await your mail soonest.

Sincerely,

Joshi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: I will get back to Mr Clutterbuck immediately

Sent: Wed, 28 Jul 2004 17:08:25

Dear Mr Sitaram,

Thank you for your emails, and for your detailed answers to Mr Clutterbuck’s questions. I shall forward your answers to Mr Clutterbuck immediately so that he can begin costing the renovation project in earnest.

Chippy Minton, the local carpenter, was here earlier to examine the woodwork in the mill. Unfortunately it seems that my fears have been proved right: some of the old beams are infested with woodworm. However, Mr Minton assures me that this isn’t a major problem; it is treatable. He is preparing a quotation for me now.

I am pleased that you are willing to leave it up to me to decide on a design for the new shop. I think something traditional would be best (to fit in with the old mill buildings), yet with modern touches. I am sure that Mr Clutterbuck will be able to come up with something suitable.

I like your idea of using a bird in the logo of the shop. One of the most common birds around Gypping in the Marsh is the great tit: we have a pair that live in our garden. Although it is not Britain’s national bird, people look upon great tits with a great deal of fondness, and in a way they symbolise the timeless quality of the British countryside. I think a pair of great tits on a green background would make an excellent logo for the shop.

Thank you for your concern over my wife’s health. I am pleased to report that Elizabeth is feeling better. Dr Mopp came out to visit her this afternoon and prescribed something that seems to be doing the trick.

So if you're feeling sickly, please call him quickly. He can cure all ills, with his pale pink medicine and sugar-coated pills.

I will get your answers to Mr Clutterbuck now and get back to you as soon as he has provided me with an estimate for the work required: hopefully tomorrow.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

PS. You say you want to get the new shop up and running in three weeks? That may be a bit of a tall order. People tend to move rather slowly around here. However, I will do my best to move things forward as quickly as possible.

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: I will get back to Mr Clutterbuck immediately

Sent: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 04:11:57 -0700 (PDT)

Thank you for your mail. I await to hear from you by today as to know the current position of things and I want to let you know that I shall require your bank details to enable me to make a deposit as soon as you let me know what Mr Clutterbuck estimates.

Sincerely,

Joshi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: Good news

Sent: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 12:21:36

Dear Mr Sitaram,

A brief email to pass on some good news to you. I bumped into the Mayor this morning, and I told him about our plans to convert Gypping Mill into a retail outlet selling jewellery, cosmetics and fruit. The Mayor thought it was a splendid idea, and told me that he was all for it.

The Mayor said that any project that would create new jobs and attract visitors to the area would have his full backing. He also told me that he would ensure that any application for planning permission we submit would be passed by the town council without any problems. This is marvellous news, Mr Sitaram. It always pays to have the local council on board with things like this.

I have not received any costings from Mr Clutterbuck yet, but I am expecting to receive them tomorrow. I will let you know as soon as they arrive.

How are things going at your end? It did cross my mind that we should sign a legal partnership agreement if we are going into business together. Do you want to draw one up, or shall I get my own lawyer, Welsby, to look into this?

Welsby’s a top-notch lawyer. I’ve used him for years. He proved invaluable last year after an unfortunate incident involving a party of young schoolchildren who were visiting the mill and some faulty unguarded grinding machinery. Not only did Welsby manage to get all charges dropped, he also persuaded the judge to award me costs against the bereaved families. Let me know if you’d like me to contact him. He could be able to help us.

I must go now. I have a lot of milling to get through this afternoon, and I think the wind has picked up enough to turn the sails. They call me Windy Miller and I’m sharper than a thorn, like a mouse I’m spry and nimble when I grind the corn. Like a bird I’ll watch the wind and listen for the sound, which says I have the wind I need to make the sails go round.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Good news

Sent: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 04:45:08 -0700 (PDT)

Good Brother Windy Miller,

Thanks for your contact and am very pleased to hear this. I am in full agreement that you can contact your lawyer so as to go into a legally binding agreement. As soon as your lawyer gets it prepared I want you to attach and send it to me as I shall assent on it and get a copy of it sent back to you.

I require you to send me your bank account details at this time my brother to enable me to transfer funds. I await your swift receipt on this mail.

Joshi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: My bank account details

Sent: Thu, 29 Jul 2004 12:58:25

Dear Mr Sitaram,

You have just caught me before I start my milling for the day. I will get onto Welsby and ask him to draw up something for us to peruse.

I will get back to you tomorrow once I have heard back from Mr Clutterbuck.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: Good news from Mr Clutterbuck and a query from Welsby

Sent: Fri, 30 Jul 2004 10:27:42

Dear Mr Sitaram,

Good news, my friend. Peter Hazel the postman delivered the estimate from Mr Clutterbuck this morning. Peter the postman is a very busy man. He empties the boxes as quickly as he can. He puts all the letters in a great big sack, and whistles as he marches with his load upon his back.

Rather than just putting the letters through the letterbox, he knocked on the door so that he could give me them in person: news travels fast around here and Mr Hazel knew that I was waiting for a letter from Mr Clutterbuck, so he wanted to make absolutely sure I got it.

To get straight to the point, Mr Clutterbuck reckons that to convert Gypping Mill into a retail outlet will cost somewhere in the region of £230,000. There is a lot of work involved: before we can convert the mill buildings into retail space, we will have to remove most of the existing mill machinery and carry out some necessary repairs to the fabric of the buildings. There is a lot of work involved.

There is such a lot to be done. Bricks, bricks, laying the bricks, hods to be carried and mortar to mix, plans to be followed and measurements made, grounds to be levelled and foundations laid. With trowel and level the bricks are well laid, for the master bricklayer knows the tricks of his trade.

Mr Clutterbuck estimates that it will take approximately six weeks to transform Gypping Mill into a high-class retail outlet. I know this is longer than you wanted, but given the amount of work involved, it is still admirably quick.

Mr Clutterbuck assures me that he is up to the job, and says that he will place both of his bricklayers, Cyril and Horace, on the job, to ensure that it is completed as quickly as possible. What do you think, Mr Sitaram? Should we give Mr Clutterbuck the go-ahead to start planning the work?

On another matter, I contacted Welsby yesterday and asked if he could draw up a partnership agreement between us. He is more than happy to do this for us. However, before he can do so, he came up with a query. Welsby asked whether you wanted the terms of the partnership agreement to be drawn up pro-contum, or twixt-neb.

I don’t really understand legal matters to tell you the truth. However, I’m sure you’ve signed more legal agreements than you’ve had hot dinners, so presumably you’ll have come across queries like this before.

Please get back to me as soon as you can.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: A little local difficulty

Sent: Fri, 30 Jul 2004 17:12:52

Dear Mr Sitaram,

I experienced a rather unfortunate incident this afternoon, my friend. As I said earlier, word travels fast around here, and it seems that the whole village already knows that I am planning to convert Gypping Mill into a retail outlet.

Well, who should turn up at the mill this afternoon but Mr Clamp the greengrocer? And he was in an ugly mood. It turns out that he has heard a rumour that we are planning to sell fruit from the converted mill, and he wasn’t at all happy at that prospect. He got extremely angry, and even though I tried to explain to him that fruit was only going to be a small part of our business, he accused me of trying to steal his customers and ruin his livelihood.

“Come buy my vegetables, fruit ripe and beautiful, fine fresh and fancy, come buy them from me”, he shouted at me. “That’s what I’ve been saying to my customers for years. And now you’re going to steal them all away from me!” And then he called me some very nasty names.

At one point I was afraid he was going to resort to violence. I certainly thought he was going to throw the cauliflower he was holding at me. Luckily, Elizabeth saw what was happening and ran next door to get our neighbour to call the police.

Fortunately the police station isn’t too far away, and PC McGarry turned up in no time at all. Here comes the policeman, the big friendly policeman, PC McGarry number 452. Lost dogs, thick fogs, don’t know what to do? Then get the policeman, the big friendly policeman, PC McGarry number 452.

PC McGarry was unable to calm down Mr Clamp, and he ended up taking him away to lock him in the cells. I have to say, Mr Sitaram, I didn’t expect such a strong reaction from anyone over our plans for Gypping Mill. It was most unpleasant.

I blame it on Mr Wantage, the telephone engineer, who we have had in to look at a problem with our telephone: the line has been dead for the past few days. Ring, ring, ring, ring, he tests all the telephones, making certain all the lines are loud and clear. Investigating each complaint, of noises loud and voices faint, the daily occupation of a telephone engineer.

The man is a terrible gossip. I’ll bet he’s been spreading the news around the village. And on top of that, he still hasn’t managed to fix our telephone. We’ve been without a line for days now.

I shall have to be more careful in the future about who I speak to. The last thing I want to do is make enemies of my friends and neighbours. I shall have to be careful not to upset Miss Lovelace: I know she sells a few items of jewellery in her hat shop. She is notoriously prickly, and I don’t want her to set one of her dogs on me.

I hope you have a pleasant weekend, Mr Sitaram. Do get back to me with an answer to Welsby’s legal query as soon as you can, and let me know if we should give Mr Clutterbuck the go-ahead.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Good news from Mr Clutterbuck and a query from Welsby

Sent: Fri, 30 Jul 2004 10:28:52 -0700 (PDT)

MY GOOD BROTHER,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR I HAVE READ AND UNDERSTOOD THE ESTIMATE NEEDED TO CONVERT THE GYPPING MILL INTO A RETAIL OUTLET AND I DO WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS OK BY ME. THAT IS MY JOY. BUT MYSELF AND MY EXECUTIVE WILL MEET ON MONDAY TO CONCLUDE ON THAT ISSUE AS TO WHEN MR CLUTTERBUCK IS TO COMMENCE WORK THERE.

THE £230,000 IS OK BUT WE ARE CONSIDERING THAT WE HAVE TO ADD AN ADDITIONAL £100,000 FOR EXTRA EXPENSES THAT MIGHT COME UP AS IT WOULD BE BASIC THAT THE FIXED CAPITAL INVESTED WILL BE A ROUND FIGURE OF £330,000. THAT WOULD BE APPROPRIATE FOR MORE WORKFORCE AND EXPEDIENCY OF LABOUR.

I WANT TO LET YOU KNOW AT THIS JUNCTION THAT YOU SHOULD ADDRESS AN EMAIL TO MR MELI BORD OF OUR SUPPLY COMPANY, WRITING TO HIM THAT I AM THE REFERRAL, THAT WE ARE READY TO PURCHASE OUR OPENING STOCK AND YOU WANT HIM TO SEND TO YOU THE CLAIMS FORM THAT WILL ENABLE YOU TO RECEIVE THE GOODS AND IMMEDIATELY YOU RECEIVE IT, HAVE IT FILLED AND SEND IT BACK TO HIM WITHOUT FURTHER DELAY.

FINALLY, TELL MR WELSBY TO DRAW WHICHEVER AGREEMENT MY BROTHER, BUT I DO PREFER A PRO-CONTUM AGREEMENT. AND AS SOON AS MYSELF AND MY EXECUTIVE OVER HERE CONCLUDES ON MONDAY I SHALL GET BACK TO YOU.

MEANWHILE I WILL BE SENDING YOU THE ONLINE BANK WHICH YOU WILL HAVE TO GET YOUR BANK ACCOUNT REGISTERED WITH AS A SUBSIDIARY ACCOUNT FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROJECT TO ENABLE EASY TRANSFER OF FUNDS. AS WE DO HAVE AN AFFILIATE ACCOUNT THERE THIS WOULD MAKE US PAY LITTLE OR NO TAX FOR TRANSFER.

AS SOON AS YOU GET IN CONTACT WITH MR MELI BORD AND HE GETS BACK TO YOU, DO ENDEAVOUR TO SEND TO ME A COPY OF THE CLAIMS FORM AS SOON AS YOU GET IT FOR REFERENCE.

THANK YOU ONCE MORE MY BROTHER FOR YOUR MAILS. YOU BOOST MY EGO VERY MUCH. FIND ATTACHED MY FAMILY PIC, MY WIFE AND MY KIDS FOR YOUR PREFERENCE AS I PROMISED.

SO SORRY FOR THE SAD INCIDENT. I DO PLEA THAT YOU ACCEPT MY SYMPATHY. I DO WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I AM SOLIDLY BEHIND YOU AND WE DO NOT INTEND TO ROB ANYONE OF HIS OR HER CUSTOMERS, BUT THE GOOD LORD SHALL GIVE US OUR OWN CUSTOMERS.

I DO SAY ONCE MORE THAT I THANK YOU FOR YOUR PERSEVERANCE AS I WAS RATHER SPEECHLESS MYSELF READING THIS MAIL.

REGARDS,

JOSHI

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: GO AHEAD HAVE AN ACCOUNT OPENED!

Sent: Fri, 30 Jul 2004 13:36:17 -0700 (PDT)

MY GOOD BROTHER WINDY,

THIS IS THE ONLINE BANK INFORMATION. STANDARD INVESTMENT BANKING.

I WANT YOU TO GET YOUR ACCOUNT REGISTERED WITH THEM AND SEND ME THE DETAILS IMMEDIATELY AS WE SHALL FACILITATE THE TRANSFER OF FUNDS TO YOU IMMEDIATELY YOU OPEN THE ACCOUNT.

I WAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU SOONEST WITH THE DETAILS OF THE ACCOUNT.

SITE: www.sisbg.com

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: I am slightly confused

Sent: Sat, 31 Jul 2004 08:58:26

Dear Mr Sitaram,

Thank you for your emails, and for sending me a photograph of your delightful family. Please give them my best wishes.

I am glad you agree that we should move forward with the conversion of Gypping Mill. I look forward to hearing from you next week once you have had a chance to discuss the matter with your colleagues so that we can give Mr Clutterbuck the go-ahead.

I had a look at the bank’s website that you sent me details of. I have to say, I am slightly confused as to why I have to set up an account with them. Can’t you just transfer the money directly into my Bartletts account? Surely that would be simpler.

While we’re on the subject of banks, to be perfectly honest, this bank you’ve sent me details of doesn’t come across as the most professional organisation in the world. I’ve never seen a worse corporate website in my life. It looks like it’s been designed by a bunch of drugged-up infant chimpanzees. Surely no reputable bank worth its salt would put up with such a risible website?

Could I persuade you to move forward with my own bank, Bartletts? I have banked with them for years and have always been extremely impressed with their efficiency.

More disappointing news at this end, I’m afraid, Mr Sitaram. Unrest about our plans to convert Gypping Mill seems to be growing in the village. Roger Varley, the local chimney sweep, was supposed to be visiting us today to sweep our chimneys. He called round earlier than expected this morning.

“Here comes Roger Varley, as black as a crow, to sweep all our chimneys, which stand in a row,” said Elizabeth as he walked into the mill yard. “Big chimneys, small chimneys, low chimneys, tall chimneys, chimneys so straight and chimneys awry, with his rod, brush and sack, and his suit shiny black, he’ll purl and twirl his brush, up the flues to the sky,” she said.

However, Mr Varley had not come to sweep our chimneys as planned. He had called round to tell us in no uncertain terms that if we were planning to put his friend Mr Clamp out of business we could sweep our own chimneys from now on. This discontent is most unsettling, Mr Sitaram.

By the way, Welsby has come back to me with another query. He says that he is happy to draw up a pro-contum agreement, but asks whether or not you would prefer to the agreement to refer to ips-deferens? Please let me know as soon as you can.

Please also let me know what you think about moving forward with Bartletts instead of this amateurish-looking outfit you sent me details of.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Go Ahead Have An Account Opened My Brother!

Sent: Sat, 31 Jul 2004 07:00:51 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Windy,

Thank you for your email and am surprised to have let me know you are confused at this stage when all I expected from you was to give me the details of the account you are to open with the online bank details I sent to you, but rather I was shocked at your mail telling me that my online bank which operates my company account for me for the past four years has been designed by drug infants, this of which really makes me very unhappy my brother as I never expected such from you.

Standard Investment Bank is one of the most notable online banks over there in Amsterdam and it’s so secured to such extent that you cannot surf the web to know who is banking with them except if you own an account there. That is why I have so much confidence in the bank, but following the mail I read from you I was so surprised and disappointed about that.

I want to let you know that your bank account with Bartletts should be registered with the online bank which I sent you the details for the fund to be wired into the account and its tax would be very minimal, hence my company has a bank account there.

My good brother, you have my words. I want you to go ahead and open an account as I will be waiting for the details you used to open the account with them on Monday. Please my good brother, I don’t want this to slow down our project as it would be very disappointing if by Monday the details are not yet available as myself and colleagues shall approve the release of fund immediately you furnish me with the necessary information.

And one more thing my good brother, tell Mr Welsby to go ahead with the agreement. If he should do his duty here let him go ahead with the agreement. You have my word my good brother, I await your positive response on this by Monday. Do not let me down my brother. I hope on you sincerely for the step forward immediately your subsidiary company account has been created with the investment bank.

I anticipate your co-operation for us to move forward.

I would also love to see your family picture too for my preference.

Best regards,

Joshi Sitaram

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: I still confused

Sent: Sat, 31 Jul 2004 23:55:51

Dear Mr Sitaram,

Thank you for your email. I am sorry, my friend, but I am still confused about what I need to do with this bank you have told me about. You will have to forgive me: I am but a simple country miller, and the world of international finance is new to me.

I do not understand whether you want me to set up an entirely new account with this bank, or just register my existing Bartletts bank account with them. Please clarify this for me, Mr Sitaram.

Regarding the bank, I am surprised to hear that it is one of the most notable online banks in Amsterdam. If it is such a decent bank, how come it has such an appalling website? The children at our local primary school have designed better websites than that. It’s not just that the site looks so appalling; parts of it don’t even work properly.

I showed the bank’s website to Gilbert Jnr who knows much more about web design than I will ever do, and he told me that he had blown better looking websites out of his nose. I think that means he didn’t think very much of it. I must apologise for his turn of phrase, but you know how children speak nowadays.

Are you sure there is no way I can persuade you to ditch this amateurish-looking bank and move forward with Bartletts instead, my friend? Bartletts may be something of a minnow in the banking world, but it is a minnow that has earned respect for generations.

Back to our project. After my problems with Mr Clamp (who has been bound over to keep the peace and instructed not to come within a hundred yards of Gypping Mill) and Roger Varley, I had some better news this afternoon. I received a visit from two local businessmen: Mr Cresswell, the Manager of the local biscuit factory, and Harry Farthing, the local potter. Both of them had heard of our plans, and both are keen to explore the possibility of selling their goods through our new retail outlet.

Mr Cresswell manages Cresswell’s Chigley Biscuits, a fine company that is renowned for the quality of its products. Mr Cresswell keeps all his staff working efficiently until the factory whistle blows for the six o’clock dance each day. Mr Cresswell explained to me why their biscuits have got such a good reputation.

“Nicely, precisely and all untouched by hand, efficiency our motto, by which we proudly stand,” he told me. “Cooked, cartoned, checked and crated, labelled and dispatched, efficiency, efficiency, at which we can’t be matched,” he continued.

I munched on a few samples of his biscuits as he told me more about the factory.

“Efficiency efficiency, our watch word while we work, the customer is always right, a fact we never shirk,” he said. “Automation for the nation, time is not to waste, although at times we gain more speed by using much less haste,” he concluded.

I have to tell you, Mr Sitaram, I was rather impressed. Mr Cresswell asked if we would consider stocking his biscuits. I think it would be an excellent idea: a biscuit counter would complement the fruit counter very well. What do you think, my friend?

Harry Farthing the potter also wanted to know if we would consider selling his pots in our new shop. He specialises in rose bowls: Elizabeth has a very nice one in our dining room. Whirl around, twirl around, shiny wet clay, firm hands will shape it and make it a bowl for your roses, to brighten your day.

I have seen some of his handiwork, and it is good quality. As well as making pots, he once carved a stone statue for the biscuit factory. I would be happy to include a display stand for his wares. What do you think, Mr Sitaram?

I must be off. I hope you enjoy the rest of the weekend with your delightful family. Please confirm exactly what I need to do with his bank, and I will sort things out on Monday.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

PS. You did not give me an answer to Welsby’s query. Do you want the agreement to refer to ips-deferens or not, my friend? Do let me know.

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: OK?

Sent: Mon, 02 Aug 2004 01:24:15 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Windy,

Thank you for your email and am really sorry that you are confused about this, but I do want to let you know that this is simple and self-explanatory. I want you to get an account opened with them. This you have to open with your Bartletts bank account information get it registered with them so that you have a subsidiary bank account online with Standard Investment Bank.

This means that your bank details would be registered with the online bank account and then your account will be open with them online. I want to let you know that is my company’s online bank and I do not like the way you speak about this my friend as I want you to go ahead and have the account opened while I await to get the details as soon as possible. That is the bank I shall make use of for the purpose of this transaction to make sure that nothing goes wrong with this.

And am very much happy to know that the manager of the local biscuit factory, Mr Cresswell, and Mr Harry is ready to make a deal. This I do accept from them as we too are ready to make a deal with them also. This is the beginning of our success over there as we have customers already now.

I do thank you very much Windy, as I would tell you that the idea of Mr Harry to sell his pots over there is very wonderful as such when displayed outside as planned by you will attract much tourist too. This is very good too.

Furthermore I do want the agreement to refer to ips-deferens. That would be OK and I do want you to have your bank details registered with the online bank so that you have an account opened with them. I await your mail.

Regards,

Joshi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: I shall open an account with your bank then

Sent: Mon, 02 Aug 2004 17:26:41

Dear Mr Sitaram,

Thank you for your email, and for clarifying what you want me to do with your bank. Despite my reservations over this bank, whose pathetic website looks more a result of accident than conscious design, I shall accept your advice and open an account with them. You are a successful businessman, so you obviously know what you are doing. I just hope this bank is a more professional outfit than its execrable website suggests.

Tell me, my friend, why do you use a bank based in Amsterdam when you are based in Nigeria? It must be terribly inconvenient when you want to pay in a cheque. Have you never been tempted to use a more local bank?

I am pleased that you agree that Cresswell’s Chigley Biscuits and Harry Farthing’s pots will be an asset to our shop. I will contact them and let them know that we will agree to stock their wares.

Mr Clutterbuck contacted me earlier today, asking if we had made our minds up over whether to use him to convert Gypping Mill. Have you had a chance to discuss this with your colleagues and come to a final conclusion? Please let me know so that I can tell Mr Clutterbuck one way or another.

Mr Clutterbuck mentioned that he is planning to use the services of two more local tradesmen if he gets the go-ahead to start work on the mill: Mr Wilkins the plumber and Walter Harkin the painter and decorator.

Good plumbers are becoming increasingly hard to find these days, and Mr Wilkins has an excellent reputation around the town, so I think it would be good to get him on the job. Hot water heater takes too long to heat, overflow pipe dripping into the street, a leaky old tap, or broken waste trap, just send right away for the plumber.

Mr Harkin also has a sound reputation. He has a very good eye for colour too, so I may well ask his advice on what colour we should paint the interior of the mill. We had him in to redecorate our living room last year, and we asked for his advice on colour then.

“People will ask me what colour to use,” he said, “there’s pink and there’s purple, it’s so hard to choose. Some ask for yellow and some ask for green, and some ask for grey so the dirt won’t be seen. Red is exciting and orange is bright, and purple is rich as the sky at midnight. Crimson is splendid for one kitchen wall, and pink is quite pretty, perhaps in the hall,” he said.

As, like Gypping Mill itself, our house is very old, I asked him for advice on what colour to paint the window frames too.

“Black paint and brown paint just simply won’t do for an old-fashioned house where the windows are few, for I think an old house is nicer than new,” he said. “Paint it white,” he concluded.

I will let you know when I have managed to open an account with this online bank of yours, and send you the details.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

PS. Thank you for getting back to me with a response to Welsby’s question about the agreement. I will pass your answer on to him. Hopefully he will be able to draw up a suitable agreement now that he knows that you would like it to refer to ips-deferens.

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Thank You

Sent: Tue, 03 Aug 2004 03:18:15 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Windy,

Thank you for your email, and for letting me know that you do understand me. I do make use of this bank account because it’s an online bank account which my bank over here In Nigeria directed me to register my bank details with due to my nature of business to enable me to transfer funds with very low tax rates and this I have been OK with since I started online banking with them. Their services are quite satisfactory to me as I don’t believe in their site rather their services as a businessman.

I want you to let Mr Clutterbuck know that he is the one to handle this project. He should only be patient with us so that we get things right over here, then I shall give him the go-ahead as soon as I forward to you the required money for the project to commence.

And I want you to let him know that as for the extra services he is going to require to fasten the work force, I do not have any problem with that as I was contemplating already to let you know that he should look for the services of at least an extra four persons before I got this mail, but nevertheless if he can get an extra two services in addition to the two services he required I would be very much happy as I want this project immediately it commences to expedite as we need much workforce to do this.

One more thing, my good brother, as regards your house. I would want you to let me know how much it would cost to also get it renovated along with the Gypping Mill as it should look nice. As soon as you let me know I shall include it in the funds I shall be wiring.

I await to hear from you soonest.

Regards,

Joshi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: I have opened an account with your bank

Sent: Tue, 03 Aug 2004 12:08:25

Dear Mr Sitaram,

A quick email to inform you that I have persevered with your bank’s atrocious website, and have opened an account with them. I have not heard anything back from them yet. What do I do next?

Thank you for letting me know about Mr Clutterbuck. I shall tell him to hold fire for a while, but that we will be ready to give him the go-ahead very soon.

I was contacted by another one of the local tradesmen this morning. Mickey Murphy the baker popped his head round the door to see if I would be interested in selling his bread and pastry products in our new retail outlet when it opens. Word certainly does travel fast around here. Mr Murphy is a master baker, pudding, pie and pastry maker, biscuits, buns or birthday cakes, everything is marvellous that Murphy makes.

However, as we have already agreed to sell Cresswell’s Chigley Biscuits in our new shop, I feel that selling Mr Murphy’s products might be inappropriate. On top of that, Mr Murphy used to purchase his flour from me, but changed to a different supplier last year when I was forced to put my prices up, so I am not particularly well-disposed towards the man. So I told him he could shove his bread, cakes and pastries where the sun doesn’t shine. He drove off in his baker’s van, in his rackety tackety baker’s van, muttering under his breath.

You mentioned renovating my house in your last email, Mr Sitaram. Thank you very much for your generous offer, but I could not ask that of you, my friend. Maybe once the profits from the retail outlet start to come in, I will start to think about renovating the house, but not before.

Do get back to me and let me know what we need to do next, Mr Sitaram.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

PS. Another small query from Welsby. He asks if you want the partnership agreement he is drawing up to include a clause on dealing with the possibility of parus caeruleus, or whether you will be happy for it merely to rely on the basic principles of sula bassana?

From: Dr John Brown

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: LEGALISATION OF PAYMENT DOCUMENTS

Sent: Tue, 03 Aug 2004 09:44:43 -0400

ATTN: GILBERT MURRAY,

LEGALISATION OF ACCOUNT SIB 1510 1967 PAYMENT DOCUMENTS.

THIS IS TO OFFICIALLY INFORM YOU THAT YOUR ACCOUNT REQUEST HAS ADDED TO OUR ONLINE DATABASE WITH REFERENCE TO YOUR INFORMATION RECEIVED.

YOU ARE EXPECTED TO LEGALISE ALL THE DOCUMENTS RECEIVED IN FAVOUR OF YOUR PAYMENT IN COURT. AS THIS WILL EMPOWER US TO CREDIT THE FUNDS INTO ACCOUNT SIB 1510 1967, FOR AN ONWARD TRANSFER TO THE BANK ACCOUNT OF YOUR CHOICE.

BELOW ARE THE DETAILS TO ENABLE YOU TO ACCESS YOUR ACCOUNT ONLINE:

USERNAME: GILBERT

PASSWORD: happy

BE INFORMED ACCORDINGLY THAT UPON THE LEGALISATION OF ALL THE DOCUMENTS AND STAMP DUTY IN THE COURT, YOUR FUNDS WILL BE SWIFTLY CREDITED INTO ACCOUNT SIB 1510 1967. PLEASE NOTE THAT IT IS HIGHLY IMPORTANT YOU CHANGE THE EXISTING PASSWORD FOR SECURITY REASONS.

YOU MAY WISH TO CALL ON 31 6171 82842 FOR MORE DETAILS ON THIS SUBJECT MATTER, WHILE WE CONGRATULATE YOU ON YOUR SUCCESS.

BEST REGARDS,

DR J BROWN

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Dr John Brown

Subject: Re: LEGALISATION OF PAYMENT DOCUMENTS

Sent: Tue, 03 Aug 2004 15:32:52

Dear Dr Brown,

What is this email all about? I don’t understand a word of it. Who are you? Do I know you? Why are you emailing me? What’s all this about “payment documents”?

Are you anything to do with Standard Investment Banking, with whom I applied to open an account earlier today? If you are, why do you not address yourself properly so that I know who you are? If you are not, kindly do not bother me again.

Gilbert Murray

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Greeting To You

Sent: Tue, 03 Aug 2004 20:27:32 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Windy,

I thank you for your co-operation in this as we are duly on course now. What is to be done next my good brother is to contact Mr Meli Bord of the Banana Republic company by sending him a mail that we are ready to purchase our opening stock from him and you require him to send to you the claims form to enable you to receive the goods.

As soon as he sends this to you, endeavour to get it filled and sent back to him while you also have a copy of it sent to me too for my preference. In the mail you are to send to him, let him know that I am your referral so that he anticipates quickly on the mail.

Furthermore, myself and my board of directors have met and we shall be consenting on the release of funds. Do get back to me with the bank details I require from you.

And let Mr Welsby know that I want him to use his discretions and come up with an agreement as I do not have any answers to give him. He ought to know what to do. If he do not, let me know so that I take the job away from him and give my lawyer over here instructions to draw up an agreement letter, this of which is not supposed to take more than two working days. But I am rather been tired of answering further questions. Just let him know that he should come up with a letter of agreement and stop further questions as any further questions would mean I give the job to someone who can do that for us immediately.

Wait to hear from you soonest.

NB: Bank details needed.

Mr Meli Bord: mrmelibord@yahoo.com

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: Fwd: LEGALISATION OF PAYMENT DOCUMENTS

Sent: Wed, 04 Aug 2004 11:24:52

Dear Mr Sitaram,

I received the email I am forwarding to you below yesterday. At first I thought it was rubbish, but reading it again, I am starting to wonder if it has anything to do with your online bank, to whom I applied to open an online account yesterday.

What do you think, Mr Sitaram? Do you think this semi-literate drivel is from Standard Investment Banking, or is it just a junk email? Surely the bank wouldn’t send me such a poorly-written email. Or would they? Please let me know.

I have been approached by another local tradesman, Thomas Tripp the milkman, who wants to know if we will consider selling his dairy produce in our new retail outlet. Elizabeth and I were sitting down to a nice cup of tea this morning, when we heard the sound of Mr Tripp’s milk float driving over the cobbles of the mill yard.

“Here comes the milkman, Thomas Tripp the milkman,” said Elizabeth as she stirred two lumps of sugar into her tea. “Can you hear the milkman with his jangle jingle jang? What does it matter if the bottles make a clatter? One doesn’t want to chatter over jangle jingle jang,” she said.

Mr Tripp, knocked on our door. He asked me if I would consider selling his dairy produce in the shop. Mr Tripp has been delivering milk, eggs and cream around the village for many years now, and his dairy produce is always of the highest quality. I think this would be a good idea, Mr Sitaram, and we will already have a number of refrigerated cabinets for the fruit. What do you think?

Regarding Welsby’s queries, the only reason he is asking these questions is to ensure that we end up with a watertight partnership agreement that covers all eventualities and that we are both happy with. One of the reasons I recommended Welsby is that he is extremely thorough, and leaves nothing to chance. He always likes to dot the t’s and cross the i’s.

If you would prefer to have your own lawyer draw up an agreement between us, that is fine by me, but only as long as you can assure me that the agreement will be drawn up properly. What do you want to do? Answer Welsby’s query and have him complete the agreement (he tells me that he has nearly finished), or instruct your own lawyer to draw something up?

I look forward to hearing from you, my friend.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

PS. You still have not sent me photographs of your two existing retail outlets. Please send them to me by return: I want to have some idea of the style of shop you currently run.

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Meli Bord; Cc: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: Claims form required

Sent: Wed, 04 Aug 2004 15:22:41

Dear Mr Bord,

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Gilbert Murray. Together with my business associate, Mr Joshi Sitaram, I am planning to open a new retail outlet in the village of Gypping in the Marsh, Lincolnshire, in the next few months.

Mr Sitaram has asked me to get in touch with you in order to arrange the supply of goods that we will require from your company: jewellery, cosmetics, fruit, etc.

Mr Sitaram told me that you would be able to send me a claims form to order the goods that I require. I would be grateful if you could send it to me by return.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Claims form required

Sent: Wed, 04 Aug 2004 15:11:58 -0700 (PDT)

My Good Brother,

Greetings to you and family. I got your email and I want to let you know again that you have done well my good brother. Following the email you attached to this original mail you sent to me that was written by Mr Brown, I would want to let you know this very mail is from the online bank which you have registered with and the mail was to keep you informed about the legislation fee which after it has been paid would make the account active so that the money for the project can be wired into the account.

I want you to be aware that I do not doubt whatever you say in your emails, but rather I want you to believe in me as I have been a successful businessman over these years. I do know what it means to transact such business too. I received a sample of the mail you sent to Mr Meli Bord and I do want to appreciate as my joy now is that we are on the course as in no distant time I know we will be through with this project at hand.

Furthermore the idea of Mr Tripp to sell his milk is not a bad one too, but I would advise he bears with us so that when we commence with the complex we know what would come in to fit as his dairy produce would be another very lucrative business too.

Regarding Welsby’s queries, I would want him to draw it up on a basic principle of sula bassana and I do apologise for the mail I sent regarding this issue as I was not happy at all finding out that this has not been drawn up when I presumed that I would be receiving it so that my consent be on it, as I never intended to use my own lawyer. That was why I gave to you the go-ahead for you to have your personal attorney draw out this for us.

As for the pictures you requested, for I shall get it prepared and sent to you as soon as possible.

I look forward to hearing from you, my friend.

Best regards,

Joshi

From: Meli Bord

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Claims Form

Sent: Wed, 04 Aug 2004 16:02:14 -0700 (PDT)

Sir,

Good day to you and family. I got your email and on receipt of the mail I have attached to it the form you requested for to enable you to be the recipient of the goods you are purchasing. This form you will have to fill and attest to it and get it sent back to us within three business working days to enable us to process your purchase.

I do thank you very much for your patronage as this is our utmost desire and I find much joy when I read your email that it was an old friend of mine, the most respected Fr Caramel that was your referral. Do say me well to him as my duty of care is to make sure we render most efficient services to our notable customers.

On the receipt of this mail we shall send to you details of payment to enable us to commence the packaging and get it shipped to your destination.

Thank you for getting back to me so promptly and for sending me the claims form I requested from you. I have a few queries regarding the form.

Firstly, I was under the impression that you were going to supply me with cosmetics, jewellery and fruit, yet the claims form you sent me does not refer to any of these items; it refers to clothes and shoes. It looks like you have sent me the wrong claims form.

Secondly, even if I was planning to purchase clothes from you (which I am not), the form is not nearly detailed enough for me to even consider signing it. I am stocking a new shop here, and I need to know exactly what items of stock I am ordering so that I can plan my advertising campaign for the new retail outlet.

Knowing that you were going to send me “20 boxes of clothes” and “6 boxes of foot wares” would be of no use to me at all. I would need to know precisely what items of clothing and footwear you were sending to me. People around here like certain types of clothing, and it would be no good to me at all if I were to order these boxes from you without knowing what they contained, only to open them and find that they were full of safari suits, pith helmets and grass skirts.

Therefore, please send me the correct claims form, and please ensure that it gives a detailed breakdown of the cosmetics, jewellery and fruit that you will be providing me with.

Best regards,

Gilbert Murray

PS. Who is this “Fr Caramel” you are blathering on about? I don’t know anyone who goes by that name. Was this entire email intended for someone else?

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: Are you sure this Mr Bord knows what he is doing?

Sent: Thu, 05 Aug 2004 11:33:41

Dear Mr Sitaram,

You will by now have read a copy of the email I have just sent to Mr Bord. Are you sure the man knows what he is doing? He doesn’t come across as very competent to me at all.

I have some terrible news regarding Welsby. I met up with him in town a little earlier to discuss the partnership agreement he is drawing up. I told him that you wanted the agreement drawn up on a basic principle of sula bassana, and he was quite content to do so. He told me that he would return to his office and complete the agreement immediately.

However, at that moment he caught sight of Mr Carraway, the fishmonger, over the street.

“Fresh fish! Fine fresh fish!” he was calling. “Herring, plaice, mackerel, turbot, whiting, cod, halibut, dab, prawn, crabs, crayfish and lobster, in green parsley and set upon a slab,” he shouted. Mr Carraway is known far and wide for the freshness and quality of his fish, and Elizabeth and I purchase fish from him, especially salmon and haddock, on a regular basis.

“I quite fancy a fresh piece of mackerel for my tea,” said Welsby, and with that he stepped out into the road without looking.

What happened next will be forever imprinted on my mind, Mr Sitaram. Welsby was so engrossed with the thought of a fresh piece of mackerel that he completely failed to see the army truck from Pippin Fort which was driving down the road, and he stepped out right in front of it.

There was a screech of brakes, a crash, and Welsby was thrown clear across the road by the impact. He landed straight on top of Mr Carraway’s fish stall.

I ran over the road to the stricken Welsby, and all of the soldier boys from Pippin Fort jumped off the back of the army truck and ran over as well.

Welsby lay spread out on top of the fishmonger’s stall, groaning faintly. It was immediately obvious that he had suffered a broken arm and a broken leg, and possibly worse. Captain Snort, who had been driving the army truck at the time of the accident, was aghast at what had happened.

“I was driving along in an army truck,” he said, “in a humpety, bumpety army truck. The people wave to the soldiers brave, who sing and shout as they lurch about. Oh we are in luck, we will never be stuck, in our humpety, bumpety army truck,” he said. “And then that idiot just stepped out right in front of me without looking!”

Once he had got over his shock, Captain Snort called for an ambulance straight away, which thankfully arrived very quickly and took poor Welsby to hospital. I am still waiting to hear how he is: I hope he is not too badly-injured.

Unfortunately, Mr Sitaram, this means that Welsby will be unable to complete the drawing up of our partnership agreement. Could I ask you to engage your own lawyer to draw us up an agreement instead? As you told me yesterday it should only take two days to draw up, I will expect to receive a copy of it from you on Monday.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: The claims form you sent me

Sent: Thu, 05 Aug 2004 09:20:54 -0700 (PDT)

My good brother,

Good day. I got your email and I want to let you know that I don’t understand what this mail is all about as what I can depict from it is that you were talking about the claims form but I can’t get you very much clear.

I do want you to let me know very well what you are letting me know so that I can give you an answer, meanwhile I don’t know who is the person you are referring to below as I want you to write me a mail I would understand.

Await your mail,

Regards,

Joshi

From: Meli Bord

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Claims form required

Sent: Thu, 05 Aug 2004 09:50:22 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Gilbert,

I got your email and I do sincerely apologise as it was an error from the computer. That was why you received that claims form which was for someone else. I do apologise for this.

I want to let you know that you have to furnish us with the stock you are purchasing from us so that we get your claims form prepared and sent to you promptly.

Anticipate your swift response,

Sincerely,

Mr Meli Bord

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: So Sorry

Sent: Thu, 05 Aug 2004 09:57:37 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Windy,

Thanks for your email as I got it and do send my sympathy to Mr Welsby and wish him a very speedy recovery too.

As regards the agreement letter, I shall inform my lawyer immediately and you will receive on Monday from me the letter of agreement as it’s so sad to hear what just happened to Welsby.

Do have a splendid weekend with your family.

Regards,

Joshi

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: This Bord fellow is incompetent

Sent: Fri, 06 Aug 2004 10:05:25

Dear Mr Sitaram,

This Bord fellow is incompetent. First of all he sends me a claims form and an email that was intended for someone else entirely. And now he’s asking me to send him a list of the stock I want to purchase from him so that he can prepare a claims form for me. I thought this was supposed to be his job, not mine. How do I know what stock I want to buy from him? I thought you had sorted all this out with him.

Could you please get in touch with Mr Bord? Tell him to start doing his job properly and to send me a detailed claims form that lists the items of stock we will be purchasing off him.

I am pleased to be able to tell you that Welsby is no longer in intensive care. Dr Mopp called round to see me this morning to tell me how he is getting on. Apparently he has a broken arm, a broken leg, a broken collar bone and severe bruising to his ribs. However, he is not in a life-threatening situation, which is good news. Dr Mopp tells me that Welsby will probably be able to leave hospital at the end of next week.

He must be feeling better: apparently he is already talking about suing the army for running him over.

Elizabeth and I are going to visit Mr Platt the clockmaker today to order a clock for our new retail outlet. I think a new clock will look nice in the shop. Clocks are like people, clocks are like you and me. Each has its own personality.

Mr Platt makes and sells all sorts of clocks, and has them all on display in his shop. Big clocks, small clocks, grandfather tall clocks, cuckoo clocks, hall clocks, mantelpiece and wall clocks, clocks for the school room, the kitchen and the nursery, alarm clocks to waken us, urging punctuality. All of them chiming or whirring or clicking, cuckooing or ringing or tick-tock ticking.

I am going to commission Mr Platt to make a clock especially for our new shop, with our logo – a pair of great tits – on the clockface. I plan to hang it behind the counter.

Incidentally, Elizabeth and I are going away this weekend. Mr Rumpling, a local bargee, is lending us his narrow boat for the weekend. Chugging along between banks of green willow, buttercup meadows, sweet nettle and dock, sheep in the meadow so peaceful and still-o, and just round the bend we reach Camberwick Lock. Nothing is better than being at large, in charge of a gay inland waterway barge.

I wish you and your family a pleasant weekend, Mr Sitaram. Hopefully you will have been able to knock some sense into Mr Bord by Monday. I look forward to receiving a proper claims form from him.

Your lawyer should have our partnership agreement ready by then. I look forward to receiving that on Monday as well.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

From: Gilbert Murray

To: Joshi Sitaram

Subject: Any progress on a correct claims form?

Sent: Mon, 09 Aug 2004 15:29:38

Dear Mr Sitaram,

I trust you had a pleasant weekend with your family. Elizabeth and I had a wonderfully relaxing time on Mr Rumpling’s narrow boat. The sun on the water was glinting and gleaming, soon we were leaving the Camberwick Lock, we passed by the anglers all drowsily dreaming and far in the distance chimed Trumpton town clock. Nothing is better than being at large, in charge of a gay inland waterway barge.

We did have one rather awkward incident when we reached Treddle’s Wharf. Mr Rumpling, the barge owner, carries lots of cargo to be transferred to and from Lord Belborough’s train at Treddle’s Wharf, and when Mr Swallow the wharfinger saw Mr Rumpling’s narrow boat coming towards the wharf, he jumped in his crane immediately, thinking that Mr Rumpling was coming to pick up the latest cargo. He obviously did not realise that Mr Rumpling had lent us his narrow boat for the weekend for a pleasure cruise.

Lifting the boxes and barrels and bundles, stacking the drainpipes and logs from the woods, a crane does the work as it rattles and rumbles, shifting the lumber and loading the goods. Well, you can imagine our surprise as we pulled up to Treddle’s Wharf to find Mr Swallow’s crane poised over the canal with a load of heavy crates hovering directly above our narrow boat. Elizabeth was so taken aback by the sight that she dropped her handbag overboard into the canal.

I shouted up to Mr Swallow in the crane, and he soon realised his mistake, and craned the crates back onto the ground.

Mr Swallow was full of apologies when he realised the mistake he had made, and even more so when he heard that Elizabeth had dropped her handbag into the canal. Fortunately, the soldier boys from Pippin Fort were carrying out exercises along the side of the canal, and when Sergeant Major Grout heard what had happened, he instructed Private Armitage, the strongest swimmer, to don his wetsuit and dive into the canal to retrieve Elizabeth’s bag.

Private Armitage disappeared into the back of the Pippin Fort army truck and soon emerged wearing his wetsuit.

At Sergeant Major Grout’s signal, Private Armitage jumped into the canal and swum around underwater searching for Elizabeth’s handbag. He found it in virtually no time. Unfortunately, the water had ruined it. I imagine Elizabeth will be visiting Miss Lovelace’s shop in the near future to purchase a replacement.

What do you think about using Mr Rumpling’s narrow boat for transporting goods to and from our new retail outlet, Mr Sitaram? While it would obviously be no good for perishable items like fruit, it would provide us with a very cheap way of transporting other items to and from Gypping in the Marsh, and canals are undergoing something of a renaissance at the moment. Do let me know your thoughts.

Now then, Mr Sitaram, to business. Have you made any progress with Mr Bord? Tell the man that he needs to send me a detailed claims form that lists exactly which items of stock we will be purchasing off him, and that he needs to get it to me as soon as possible. We cannot let this man’s incompetence delay our business.

I also look forward to receiving the partnership agreement from your lawyer.

Best regards,

“Windy Miller”

PS. I dropped in to see how Welsby was getting along in hospital earlier today. I am pleased to report that he is making excellent progress. It is good to see him slowly returning to his old litigious self: he is already drawing up plans to sue the hospital for mental distress due to the quality of their food, and he is also planning to sue Mr Carraway the fishmonger (whose stall he landed on after being hit by the Pippin Fort army truck) for ruining his best suit by making it smell of fish.

From: Joshi Sitaram

To: Gilbert Murray

Subject: Re: Any progress on a correct claims form?

Sent: Mon, 09 Aug 2004 08:36:13 -0700 (PDT)

Dear Mr Windy,

Thank you very much for your mail and I tell you of indeed I had a very splendid weekend with my family and am glad to know you had a wonderful time with yours as well. I thank the lord that Mr Clutterbuck is getting better.

As regards the claims form, I tell you my brother that Mr Meli Bord shall get back to you soonest as I have instructed him to give a detailed list of the opening stock we are purchasing from his company as I told him to stock us with the following items as listed below:

These goods I have told him to cost and prepare a claims form as this would be used for opening stock for now.

I want you to source over there where we can purchase fruit and drink that would be needed for our complex as I do not want us to purchase that from Mr Meli Bord for the now as I do not want our perishables to get spoiled on transit, so the best we can do my good brother is to by it from the closest place to you there so that we know we are purchasing close to the source we are going to utilise it.

Furthermore I want to let you know that my lawyer shall get back to me with the agreement letter tomorrow as he had taken it to the high court over here for proper legislation so that it would be consented upon. This I shall make available to you tomorrow.

I wait to hear from you soonest to know from you other items you need to include so that we can alert Mr Meli Bord immediately.