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Today’s Column

Deal with your parents adult to adult

My fiancé and I have been together for seven years, and have a daughter, age two, together. For the last few years we've been planning a destination wedding for June 2012.

Recently, my mother-in-law has been spreading rumours that my father-in-law, and other family members, are very offended and upset - not only because of the destination wedding, but also because of the "fact" that no one thinks I'm a "good match" for him.

After speaking with these family members, apparently the only one truly upset is my mother-in-law. She later confessed, and told us she thought everyone would be better off if she moved in with my fiancée and helped him raise my daughter (as I "don't take mothering seriously") and I could visit her whenever I wanted.

Help Me! I'm getting married to the man I love, and I'm pretty sure his mother might prefer to marry him herself!!

Nightmare MIL

She's outrageous and the best response is to tell her so.... but the person who must do that is her son.

You've delayed your wedding a long time, now it's approaching and she's panicking that she's losing her son. He needs to tell her that won't happen, IF she stops bad-mouthing you and creating trouble. Otherwise, he must say, she's digging her own hole, because you and he will have to distance yourselves (and your daughter) from her, to save your relationship.

My sister-in-law has decided over the past year that I'm the cause of all her problems. We will probably never be friends. We live and work in the same area and there are many rumors going around about who said what to whom. I truly haven't said anything about her except to my husband who considers her a bully.

She felt angry enough about things that she invited the whole extended family to my brother-in-law's birthday, but not his only brother and me. His mother was upset, but went anyway. There's been no acknowledgment of my daughter's 16th birthday.

My brother-in-law has known me for 25 years and until this year has never had a problem with me. He's stuck in the middle.

The upshot of all of this is that they don't attend family events where we're attending, like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. This upsets my mother-in-law and she keeps after me to fix this.

How do I deal with this? I've promised the in-laws I'll attend family events and be polite. I'm not willing to confront the sister-in-law, as when I have in the past I've been called names and yelled at. What do you suggest?

Fed Up

Something happened in the past year - either in your life, her life, or between you, that's got her riled up. If you truly have no idea what it is - e.g. it can even be jealousy if you've prospered and her family hasn't - you could try to find out, without confronting her. Your husband should talk to his brother to see if he can unearth the reasons behind his wife's anger.

Barring some insight, you're still left with how to respond. Not gossiping in return, not confronting angrily, and not avoiding family events are a decent approach on your part. It's a case of rising above this drama, and just carrying on with your own work and home life.

Tell your in-laws you have no idea what's bothering your SIL, and so can't "fix" anything.

I started dating this guy and I really like him. But recently I found that I've been ignoring him. I don't mean to, it just happens.

I haven't kissed him because I'm too scared I will mess up. I want to feel more together with him. At the moment, it feels like we're just friends. How can I feel closer with him? Is there something that a person can do to make each other feel together?

Unsure

The something that's missing is called "trust," and somewhere inside you're wisely protecting yourself from kissing, or going further, with this guy because you don't yet feel trust and closeness. That's a good thing.

You're young, and "messing up" happens far worse when you get too involved with someone before you really know him or her. Let the friendship grow over time.

If he's pushing for more sooner, tell him you're not ready. Because you're not.

Tip of the day:

Adult children have the right and necessity to put firm boundaries up against an outrageously, intrusive parent.