2014 has come and gone, but I still have a few last blasts from the not-so-distant past that I have yet to update you on. Here are the first two (out of three), which were both mediocre at best… so don’t expect to be blown away by this post.

Date: Scruffy VanillaDating Problems: Dull and Bad Body Language
We connected via OKC and met up in early November. The most interesting fact (in his mind) that he had to share was that he was from the town that has some big jack-o-lantern festival. YOU’RE FROM HALLOWEENTOWN? Sadly, no, because that would have infinitely increased his level of intrigue.

Anyways, he was genuinely shocked that I had no idea what town he was referring to or what Halloween tradition he was talking about. Whatever. But later he did drop the fun fact that most of Jumanji was filmed in his hometown. Not sure how he let that go under the radar since that tidbit of information was actually the most interesting thing I remember from the date. I was hoping he had been an extra in it, but unfortunately he wasn’t that cool. Other than those hometown facts, there really wasn’t much that he talked about that was very interesting at all – and trust me, he talked A LOT. Had he not eventually wised up and finally asked me about myself, he definitely would’ve gotten the Juan Pablo Syndrome label. And it didn’t help that his body language was horrendous and had me thinking he wasn’t into me for most of the date. I know it can be tough to turn your body slightly towards your date while sitting side-by-side at a bar… but, wait, no, it’s actually not that hard at all. His shoulders were facing squarely forward and he rarely made eye contact with me. When he asked me out again, I considered it but eventually passed because despite his well-tamed scruffy facial hair, I couldn’t justify didn’t want to take time to see him again.

Date: The Unimpressed Comedian Dating Problems: Girl-ish Tendencies (previously referred to as Male-on-Male Tendencies) and Judge Judy
The day after Scruffy Vanilla, I met up with this guy who had messaged me on OKC asking me to a comedy show right off the bat. He wasn’t exactly my type looks-wise but his profile was hilarious since he himself was a bit of a comedian. It was an offer that was hard to refuse. Now, with the first dating problem I listed, I really need to rename the “male-on-male tendencies” problem because this guy didn’t actually portray any tendencies like my very first Tinder date who I actually did think might be into men (which, for the record, I’m totally cool with – I just don’t want to date you if that’s the case). The comedian just had a very girly-ish voice, which when compared to my raspier Emma Stone-like voice, it was questionable whose was deeper. That aside, he was very much into it females. In fact, he self-admittedly had been on a ton of dates with girls he met online which ended up being an interesting conversation topic. Ladies, apparently a lot of you are setting dates with guys and then not showing up. I’m not talking last minute cancellations; he said on multiple occasions he and several of his friends have been straight up stood up by girls they met online. Come on, gals. We’re better than that. At least text them and say you can’t miss the rerun of the SVU episode that you’ve already seen twice.

Anyways, he took me to the comedy show which was hilarious. However, he ended up hating on the opening act throughout the entire time he was on stage. I get that he’s super into comedy and maybe knows “good” from “bad,” but I was cracking up from start to finish and his negative comments were getting annoying. Plus, even though he was making the comments privately to me, I got really uncomfortable because he was not being quiet about his opinions at all.

Nevertheless, it wasn’t a bad date. There was no second one even though he did ask me out again. To be honest, it was the girly voice that was the main reason I didn’t see him again. I just don’t think I could get over that.

No more than 15 minutes after examining the sidewalk with my first date, I was off to the bar where I was going meet my second date of the evening. Now, if you’ll recall, I was way more excited for date #1 than #2, and seeing how fabulously that went, you can imagine how super thrilled I was to spend time with someone I was already not overly interested in. Whatever, I sucked it up and figured at least this date would involve alcohol.

Problem #1: Kinda Catfish
Guys lie about their height; that’s something I have just come to accept. But this guy was really doing himself an injustice with how blatantly he lied in this category. When he approached me at the bar, I don’t think there is any possibility that I could’ve masked the disappointment on my face. He listed himself as 5’8″, but he was shorter than me. Mind you, I’m 5’5″ and was wearing flats, so there is zero possibility that he was 5’8″.

To make matters worse, he was thin and just clearly didn’t spend much time lifting at the gym. I am not looking for a GTL Ronnie character by any means, but I also don’t want to feel like I am dating a freshman in high school. Sorry for being a bitch, but I would prefer if onlookers didn’t immediate think that I was taking advantage of an innocent underage boy. If he had a similar body as the Hinge guy I liked last year who stood at 5’7″, then this date may have been off to a little bit better start. But he didn’t, and when I explained what he was like to my friends afterwards, I said it in the type of voice you would use when describing a cute puppy or an adorable baby. He was just so little and precious!

Seriously though, I think it’s time that I lie and say I’m 5’9″.

Problem #2: Food Compatibility

As part of my picky regiment when perusing online dating sites, I systematically weed out all the vegans, vegetarians, and obsessive-compulsive healthy eaters. I figure the remaining bunch that I’m left with is similar to me and will eat pretty much anything. This guy didn’t answer the “Diet” question on OKC, but in one of his earlier messages to me he referenced chicken parm and pizza, so I took that to mean that our food compatibility was high.

Like I said, I got there first and went to the bar because I assumed we were just going to do a low-key drinks-only date. After he arrived, he asked if I wanted to get a table (note: if you get a table at this place, you are obliged to get something to eat too). Just drinks was a-okay with me, but he practically insisted that we get a table. I was super hungry, so pshhh, I wasn’t going to fight him on it.

I had eaten at this bar a number of times before, and everything from the apps to the entrees to the sides were incredible. Let me list off a sampling of a few of my personal favorites:

Mussels with the most amazing sauce

Cheese fondue with melt-in-your-mouth pretzel bread

Sweet potato gnocchi that requires no further explanation

The burger definitely makes my top 10 in the city

Brussel sprouts that stink up the room but are literally everything

Remember, that’s just my list of favorites; it doesn’t include other amazing dishes like their bomb cheese & charcuterie plate, the beef tartare, or the oysters. I was sure that he was going to have a field day once he took a look at this menu, but his reaction was seriously lacking the ooh‘s and ahh‘s that I was expecting. I rambled off my recommendations, told him that I was totally up for trying any of the other items on the menu, but yet, there was no reaction from him. It looked like he was intensely studying the menu, and then finally he looked up and said, “I’m a really picky eater.”

Hmmm… okay. That’s fine. I used to be a picky eater when I was younger. I can deal with this. I tried to get a sense for what he liked to eat:

Me: “Ok, so what kinds of food do you like?”
Him: “Cinnamon sugar.”

Me (laughing inside): “Oh…. what do you mean?”
Him: “Well, every morning I have a cinnamon sugar bagel. Then every day for lunch I have a peanut butter sandwich with cinnamon raisin bread.”

Red flags. Red flags everywhere. I’m all for routine…. but holy shit. I didn’t believe that he had this every day, but he confirmed it. He eats a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. Every. Single. Day.

Me: “So then what do you have for dinner?”
Him: “Chicken.”
Me (somewhat relieved… or so I thought): “Oh nice. How do you usually make it?”
Him: “Idk. The normal way, I guess.” (I ask him to clarify.) “Like on the stove.” (Pulling teeth to get more details.) “With pepper.” (OMG.) “I also like chicken parm a lot.”

I decided to settle with that answer, and then we got back to the menu. Since I was okay eating anything, I told him to pick something he liked. With the expression he was making, you would have thought that the restaurant was offering a Fear Factor-like delicatessen. He needed some help.

Me: “It looks like they have chicken wings; those are probably good. The warm pretzels with mustard and cheese seems pretty simple. Or if you are more of a salad kind of person, then I’m sure you’ll like any of these. Oh! And this one has goat cheese on it! Anything with goat cheese is amazing.”
Him: “I’ve never had goat cheese.”
Me: “WHAAAT!?! Why?!”
Him: “I don’t like how it comes from a goat.” (I’m confused.) “It’s just weird. I’d rather it come from a cow.”
Me: “So what kind of cheese DO you like? American?”
Him: “Mozzarella.”

The cheese situation ruled out a good chunk of the menu, so he finally decided upon something: the chicken wings and a side order of fries. Eventually, we found our way back onto the conversation of his food habits.

Me: “Other than chicken and cinnamon sugar, what else do you eat? Like do you ever eat vegetables?
Him: “Yeah, but only mild vegetables. Such as carrots and squash.”
Me: “Mild? So what constitutes itself as an, um, intense vegetable…? Like asparagus?”
Him: “Actually, asparagus would be closer to mild.” (Shocking, because I’d consider it to be more intense.) “But like broccoli and spinach.”

The food came, and as expected, it was awesome. The wings did have a bit of an unexpected kick, but nothing unbearable by any means – and trust me, I don’t handle spicy very well. He, on the other hand, was struggling. It was literally painful watching him try to eat them. By the end of the meal, I had finished at least 5 wings clean to the bone. He…barely finished one.

Problem #3: Dull

I’ll keep this brief because I have already ripped on this guy enough. Let’s just say that my fascination in his picky eating habits was the most interesting thing about him. He had never traveled outside of the country, he didn’t play any sports, and he didn’t seem to have any hobbies. From what I gathered, his routine consists of waking up, going to work, eating a peanut butter sandwich, getting home, watching the Amazing Race, and going to bed.

All this being said, I do want to say that my date was a total sweetheart. He seemed really nervous throughout the date but was a complete gentleman throughout. I was actually VERY insistent that I pay for the entire bill, but he was adamant on treating me… to everything – even though he ate practically nothing. So despite the fact that I am a horrible person for exposing all of the negatives about my dates, this guy really was a very genuine person who does deserve credit for that.

Oh, and he didn’t judge me at all when I got the leftover wings and fries wrapped for lunch the next day…

The month of September brought three new guys and three new dates. Like California Rolls and unseasoned grilled chicken, none of them were bad, but none of them were especially good. They were just very…. mehhh. Since no one exhibited enough problems to deserve their own post, I thought they should at least receive honorable mentions here.

Date #1: The IT Guy Dating Problems: Dull and Work Obsessed

Funny enough, I had been talking to this guy way earlier in the year. We had even gotten to the point where we took it offline from OKCupid and were texting. Then one day, I woke up and decided, “I think I’ll go to law school today I seriously don’t want to go on any dates anymore.” So I stopped talking to him. Legit just straight up ignored the poor guy. Fast forward about half a year and I’m all of the sudden messaging him again to hang out. For some reason he was completely okay with the fact that I was “really bad at texting” – ha, yes, that was my excuse to him – and we decided to meet up. I can’t really say many bad things about the guy because he was very genuine, he picked me up and drove me home, took me to an AWESOME restaurant, and had scruff. However, he was in IT. Now, let’s be clear: that in of itself isn’t a bad thing. It’s actually pretty awesome. But let’s also be clear: I don’t consider data centers, SOA, firewalls, or JavaScript to be interesting conversation topics. In fact, none of these topics are even in the realm of being considered conversational to me since I have absolutely nothing to contribute except for the fact that I’ve heard of these terms at one point or another in my job. Soooo that’s exactly what happened: I didn’t contribute anything to the conversation. Look, it’s great that he knows so much about his field, but I’m already not a fan of talking about work outside of work…and I’m especially not too keen about listening to the technical aspects of things that make zero sense to me.

Thankfully, he did eventually ask me about myself as well (thus, preventing me from diagnosing him with the Juan Pablo Syndrome). Unfortunately, he later began talking about World of Warcraft which pretty much solidified my lack of interest in him. Game over.

Date #2: The Mover Dating Problem: WTF Are You Wearing

I’d like to give myself a pat on the back because it turns out I haven’t completely lost all ability to pick up a guy in person. The only thing that really confuses me with this particular situation is that I barely spoke to this guy and, in my mind, I was super awkward in practically every interaction I had with him. Whatever, to provide some context: at the beginning of September my roommates and I were moving closer to the center of the city and obvi had to hire movers for the heavy lifting. One of my coworkers had recently moved to the same neighborhood and recommended the moving company that she used (and also just so happened to mention that the crew they sent was full of good looking people), so I quickly gave them a call and snatched up one of the earlier timeslots for moving that day. I have to say, even if they were completely unfortunate looking, I would absolutely recommend them to anyone because they were amazing. Buuuuut it also just so happened that most of them WERE good looking. In particular, there was one very tall gentleman that looked fantastically masculine as he lifted heavy things and put them back down.

Like I said, though, I was being pretty awky, and I swear to you that I could count on one hand the number of times I spoke directly to him. Nevertheless, I was fully prepared to give him my number before he left because a) he was hot and b) I needed practice making moves on guys in person since my game has seriously struggled since online dating has become my primary means of meeting new people. Unfortunately, in true awkward turtle form, I failed to give him my number, and soon each of the strong men were out the door. HOWEVER, later that day about two hours after the movers had left, I got a phone call from an unknown number. I rarely answer for unknown numbers, but for some reason I felt like it was going to be him. Not kidding at all, I had some strange woman’s intuition moment where I had this intensely strong sense that the call I was receiving was from him. And sure enough, my intuition did not fail me; it was the mover, and before I knew it, he had asked to take me out for dinner later that week.

Fast forward a few days and we were set to meet up a few minutes from my new place. He kept pushing back the time when we were supposed to meet up, which was extremely annoying because we were supposed to be getting dinner and waiting until 7…and then 8…and then 9 to eat a real meal was beginning to bring out the hangry version of myself. Typically I would just ask to reschedule but by this point I was three large glasses of wine deep with my roommates and the restaurant was down the block from me, so when he was finally ready to meet up, I buzzed out the door to meet up with my tall mover.

I figured it wouldn’t be hard to spot him since he was SO tall, and sure enough he stood out like a sore thumb. But it wasn’t just his height that made him stand out: he was wearing one of those collared soccer jerseys with massive lettering and obnoxious patterns all over it. Something almost identical to this:

Now that my eyes were blinded by the sight of this horrendous shirt that should never be worn at any time except during the World Cup, I just wanted to feast my eyes on food and some more alcohol. Thank goodness the food was good and that I already had a pretty good base level of drunkenness from the vino because my interest level in him continued to go downhill. It turns out he was two years younger than me, had dropped out of high school, aaaand… well that was enough for me to rule him out entirely. We finished up at the restaurant, he walked me home, planted a goodbye kiss on me (good kisser, I’ll give him that), and then the next time he texted me was on a Friday at 1am.

Date #3: The Hot Army GuyDating Problem: He Didn’t Like Me

Ok, so I don’t actually consider this to be HIS problem. The truth is, this guy from Hinge didn’t really have any dating problems. He was interesting, funny, and resembled Channing Tatum after I was a few beers deep. Throughout the date (and even now in hindsight), I really did think it went well… with the exception that my hair got a biiiiit on the frizzy side on my walk to meet him.

Despite the hair, I thought it was a shoe-in for a second date. I mean, we had good conversation and he was in no rush to leave the bar – he was actually the one who wanted to keep getting more drinks (and he was paying for everything). As I play it back, I’m thinking it may have been a good idea to not accept that last drink. Why? Well, I was exhausted since it was getting late + I already felt pretty buzzed before that final beer = a recipe for drunken exhaustion in its greatest form.

I’m imagining it had to have been something dramatic like that. Because let’s be real. There’s no other explanation for why he wouldn’t want to go on a second date with me. EVERYBODY likes me.

Ok, no, I’m only kind of kidding and just trying to make myself feel better by using too many GIFs while simultaneously refusing to bruise my ego and accept that I may have been the problematic dater this time around. Or, hey, it could have simply been that he just didn’t feel any sparks, which I can’t blame him since I feel that same lack of emotion for just about every guy I go out on a date with. So yeah, let’s go with that: he just wasn’t that into me. (On that note, he even said something straight out of He’s Just Not That Into You when we said goodbye: “I’m going to be out of town for the next week, and it will probably be difficult to get in touch with me.”) Needtheless to say, he never reached out to me. I eventually made two attempts, both of which were answered with silence. So I gave up on that, and even though it was a bummer, it’s nothing that I got hung up on. If anything, it gave me hope that I am still capable of being attracted to my potential suitors and that I’m not asexual. Let’s just put a positive spin on it and call this a WIN.