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Monday, November 1, 2010

Sister Wives: I Get It. Seriously, I Get It

These understanding women have no problem living with a husband who grows hair out of his chin.

If you've never been to a one-year-old's birthday party, let me describe the scene to you:

There's some 7 layer dip, some parents there who aren't REALLY friends with the hosts (but have a kid the same age and thus have become friendly with the hosts), and a bunch of one-year-olds walking around with no particular destination in mind. Behind every one-year-old is a parent chasing after them with their arms stretched out like zombies, normally hunched over a bit, the same way that Tim Duncan gives interviews.

If you sit back in the corner and watch, it's amazing. The parents follow around their kids constantly: ... kid walks by, parent follows ... different kid walks by, parent follows ... same kid as before is back, there's his dad ... oh, this kid wants to go check out the screen door, here comes his mom four steps behind ... another little snot tries to eat the dog's food, dad is right behind to swipe away the bowl ... watch out for those stairs little guy, oh, your mom is on your tail. It's exhausting to watch and I imagine it's even more grueling for parents, who essentially are doing the Shuttle Run for around two straight hours.

Rachel Steiner and Rosa Feinberg follow their children at Timmy's first bday party.

In my opinion, the solution is simple: which is why I've invented The Four Corners. Instead of following your kid around all day, each parent is stationed to a corner and is responsible for supervising the kid(s) in his/her area. It's like a dog park, you don't run after your dog the entire time, you just sit back, keep an eye on your dog and make sure the dog in front of you is not doing too much raping. No more chasing after children. No more zombie walks. Sure, the parent who is stationed next to the ball-pit is going to have the busier day, but parents can work in shifts. When that parent needs some pierogies, another parent can relieve him. It takes a village to raise a child. This is communal living.

I have been advocating communal living for years. My wife and I have even discussed which friends of ours we'd most like to live communally with. The Mormons and the Amish are onto something (I have no idea if this is how the Amish live, but they seem to always be together making Birch Beer). If you've watched The Sister Wives on TLC, you'll see a progressive family that is filled with love and sharing (and is in desperate need of a makeover from Stacey and Clinton).

Couples these days get burnt out! Between working and yoga and fantasy football and parenting and blogging about stuff and actually paying attention to your kids and making dinner and pretending that homework is important and trying to get your kid to be a point guard, it's hard work! You need help! And the Brown Family works together, shares chores and responsibilities and loves each other unconditionally. The sister wives provide each other with female companionship and emotional stability that no male can provide. It actually makes sense ... although most women (like my wife) would seriously slice the other wives' throats with a key.

My quick thoughts on the show:

- The patriarch Kody needs to use sunblock. He's a nice enough guy, but his sun-glass burn is a little too extreme and if he doesn't do something about it soon, he's going to look like Mike Shanahan. Also, the dude needs a proper haircut.

Watch out Kody ... this could be you!

- Kody does a nice job of saying all the right things and treats his wives with respect, but clearly the reason he's doing this is because he likes to have sex with other women. And it's no surprise that his newest wife is the most attractive.

- How does Kody afford four wives and sixteen children? I often don't get ham on my egg and cheese croissant at Dunkin' Dones because I'm trying to save money. He seems to be doing all right. Maybe he doesn't spend money on haircuts?

- Wife #1: Meri - the first wife is clearly the most emotionally unstable, which makes sense considering she had Kody first. My wife likes her the best, but I can't get past her constant layer of black eyeliner.

- Wife #3: - The One Who Just Had a Baby - I like her the best, although I don't remember her ever saying or doing anything this season ... proabably why I like her the best.

- Wife #4: - The New One - The attractive one who's not really attractive ... is probably much more flexible than the others in bed ... I get it.

- How many vegetables go unused in that house? My wife is always buying loads of vegetables, like giant leaves of green stuff that have red things down their stalks and we never use all of them. Even on a good week when we make some asparagus and sweet potatoes we still have a ton of mushrooms or carrots that go unused. This drives me bananas.

- Lastly, and most obviously, how the freaps'd does that guy deal with having four wives? I know, I know, such a cliche, male centered question, but seriously, FOUR WIVES?!?! ... For the past three months I tried to grow the world's longest beard and this DID NOT make my wife happy (especially when I would fluff it out like an Amish dude) ... (and not surprising that all of my friends loved it) ... well, when I finally shaved it (into a mustache obviously) she was still NOT HAPPY. Did she really think that I wasn't going to give myself a mustache?!?! This guy Kody has to deal with FOUR WOMEN constantly telling him that his mustache is gross! ... Although, now that I think about it, he has that scruffy little chin-hair thing and they don't seem to have a problem with it ... what's wrong with these people?!?!