Karlos, If you're reading and not commenting, please feel free to critique. =P)

You're not only a shapeshifter, but you also have ability to detect stealth forum lurkers

Brent, you clearly have a very imaginable mind and you're going forward to forge your own style of writing, something that characterizes you. You also are good at planning and you end substory just in right moment to prepare your reader for next portion.Also your dialogues look natural and they express character correctly. But noticed that there's a lot of dialogues and not so much of narration. Maybe you should work on that

and update time. It's an imaginate break that I didn't actually finish. I'll write the rest before the end of the week. WHOO, TIME LIMITS!

anyway, here's part one of the end of an epic imaginate adventure.

I presentPart 12--------3:10 PM

Inside the Sandwich household, 7 pets were having an epic adventure in a far away land… well, some of them were. The rest were attempting to end their adventure as the antagonists of this game. The illusions cast by Drake and Gemini had turned the house into a full fantasy adventure setting. If Joey and his creepy friends could see this, he’d be completely jealous.

The heroes’ party consisted of a great female wizard, known as Gapre, who had pledged her soul and eternal friendship to Sir Peanut of Saso, a knight who had failed in his duty to protect his kingdom from the horrible Dragon king. Joining them was Sabrina, a mysterious black cat white mage who claims she used to date the Great Trickster Max, one of the Dragon king’s top henchmen. They were also accompanied by Drake, an imperfect clone of the Dragon king Gemini who defected from the dragon kingdom, bringing the king’s bride-to-be, Hexen, with him.

They had already fought their way to the room outside of the dragon king’s throne room. Behind the large wooden doors, their enemy sat preparing to fight. But between the door and the heroes, The Great Trickster was ready to deal with these pests.

“I’m surprised you were able to make it past my hall of illusions,” the Trickster said with a wide grin on his face. “Sabrina must have revealed my secrets to you, but I’ve grown more powerful in the time since she left me.”

He suddenly appeared next to Gapre. He ran one claw under her chin as he said, “Maybe I need a mate who can match my power.”

Gapre launched a fire ball in the Trickster’s face. The trickster coughed and a puff of smoke emanated from his blackened face.

“Then you shall fall with the rest of your team,” the Trickster yelled as he produced perfect clones of the entire party.

Sir Peanut was the first to attack. He drew his blade and ran at his clone. The two longswords collided with the clang of clashing steel. Bothe the Knight and his clone were going into the fight with all their strength. Every attack was deflected with an immediate counter attack, which was also deflected. The two seemed equally matched. Both sides prepared for a prolonged fight.

Elsewhere in the chamber, Drake had spread his wings and flew at his clone. He knew this had to be an illusion, but the Trickster’s illusions were so real that they can kill. He veered right to avoid a knife attack from his clone. He immediately turned around to launch a blast of magical energy towards the clone, but it had already teleported behind him. The Clone did a front flip in mid air, sending Drake to the ground with a kick to the head.

Drake hit the ground hands first and immediately did a hand spring and landed on his feet. He launched himself directly up towards the clone, knife drawn. The clone parried Drake’s attack, just as Drake had planned. He did a quick spin, bringing the deflected knife around to the clone’s back. He then slashed down, removing one of the clone’s wings. The clone hung in the air a few seconds before he fell.

The clone landed on his feet, standing to face Drake, who had landed a few feet away. Both fighters put their hand to the base of their knives and ran them over the length of it. As they did this, the knives elongated into katana. This too was shaping into a lengthy battle, but Drake now had the edge. It’s easier to dodge attacks when you aren’t grounded.

In yet another area of the Trickster’s chamber, Sabrina and Gapre had teamed up against their clones and had easily defeated them. Illusions don’t do too well when they’re one well performed spell away from disappearing. They were now facing the Trickster in a two on one battle. Magic against magic.The trickster was toying with them. Picking on Sabrina’s faults that he learned in their years of dating. Whispering things in Gapre’s ears that would make a water wizard blush. They tried to ignore him, but he was too skilled at what he does, and what he does isn’t very nice. Of course, he could only ever win by using his underhanded tactics. In a completely fair fight, he’d always lose, but he set traps, used people’s fears against them, and tricked them into making stupid mistakes. This would be a hard fight too.

Hex had finished off her opponent with great ease. She was now sneaking around the room, trying to find the real entrance to the throne room, because the giant wooden doors were obviously just a trap.

Back at the fight of the Drakes, the katana were clashing loudly with each advance, and each retreat was accompanied by the sound of scraping metal. Both fighters were showing signs of wear, with small cuts showing through their fur. It was beginning to look like the battle would never end, but the real Drake would make sure this wasn’t the case. He made one more charge at his clone, just like all the previous attacks, but instead of blocking the counter attack, he let himself get hit. He felt the sting of the blade deeper than he had felt it before, but he was still alive. He turned his sword back into a knife and stabbed it into the illusion, which disappeared immediately after its defeat.

Once he was done with the fight, Drake just sat down. He was in no shape to help the others right now. He’d have to wait for Sabrina to heal him when she and Gapre were finished with the trickster.

Peanut was having a harder time with his doppelganger. Their battle was hard and long, each of them taking serious damage. The clone’s tail was gone and they both had numerous cuts and bruises even despite the armor they were both wearing. The armor itself was dented beyond recognition. But Peanut wouldn’t give up. He had a boundless energy unmatched by any other. But his clone was just an illusion and, while it could be hurt, it would never get fatigued. The only way to end this was for one of them to defeat the other. And Peanut had no intention of being defeated.

Back with the ladies, they were gaining the upper hand. The trickster had run out of secrets to use against Sabrina, and Gapre had begun to get angry instead of embarrassed at his advances. Both magic users were focused again, and focused enemies were very bad for him.

Sabrina used her magic to strengthen Gapre’s for one last attack on the Trickster. Gapre gathered the last of her magical energies into her paws and launched the attack towards the fiend. Just before the attack hit, Gapre could have sworn that she saw a large smile cross the Trickster’s face. When the smoke cleared, there was no sign of the trickster left.

Just then, in the fight between the Peanuts, the Trickster’s smile appeared on the doppelganger’s face as the brave knight fell, giving into the toxin that was on his opponent’s blade. All eyes in the room watched in horror as the Peanut standing over the dead Peanut turned into the trickster.

“You won, fair and square,” he said, “but good luck defeating the dragon king without your knight.” The black cat’s form slowly faded to transparency, leaving only his Cheshire grin floating in the air. Soon, it was gone too as the warriors rushed to their dying companion’s side.

None were more hurt than Gapre when Sabrina said that the dog was too far gone for anything to be done.

”No! You can’t die on me!” the purple cat sobbed, draping herself over the body of her soul mate. “I… I can’t go on without you.” But the dog’s eyes closed as his last breath left his body.

Everyone remained silent as her tears fell on the knight’s breastplate, because no one dared to speak. It was Sabrina who finally broke the silence.

“Gapre, we can’t stay here,” she said, placing her paw on the crying cat’s shoulder. “He would have wanted us to continue on our quest. I need to heal all of us before we go on.”

Gapre dried her tears then stood up. “yeah. We’ll give him a proper burial when we’re done.”Sabrina used a spell she had to heal all members of the party before Hex led them to the true door to the dragon king’s throne room.-----------------hope you enjoyed. as always, correct ant mistakes I make, except for the one just then where I said ant instead of any because I noticed that one. Let me know your feels on the update and criticize me if you feel the need. I can take it.

_________________I'm a shape-shifter. I'm currently in whatever form I feel likeParadigm Shift by meI do not actually believe any of what I'm saying.RP character sheets

I feel that this was extremely rushed and you could have gone into detail about a lot of things and made it more interesting.

EX

RandomGeekNamedBrent wrote:

Hex had finished off her opponent with great ease. She was now sneaking around the room, trying to find the real entrance to the throne room, because the giant wooden doors were obviously just a trap.

How were the giant wooden doors obviously a trap? Could she see trip wires? Did she know the throne room entrance looked different?

Lots of small things like that.

yes. Odd how it seemed rushed when I took two weeks to get it done, huh? I kind of did rush. I started writing it then felt like I didn't want to make it last too long, so I did rush it. a lot. and likely I will rush the next part, which is why I'm making it a second update this wee instead of replacing my next update.or I'm just not good at action scenes, which I hope is not the case.as for the trap, I should have been more clear. It was more like the chances were high that it was a trap, they were fighting a guy who likes to play dirty, after all. They kneow the Trickster and have to be very careful of any possible trap while dealing with him.

_________________I'm a shape-shifter. I'm currently in whatever form I feel likeParadigm Shift by meI do not actually believe any of what I'm saying.RP character sheets

Tue Jul 10, 2012 3:32 pm

copper

Puppy Wrangler

Joined: Tue Sep 28, 2010 8:18 pmPosts: 6327Location: Florida

Re: Paradigm Shift

Sounds like fun. Poor Peanut, he is dead. That sucks, not being able to finish the adventure.

I liked it. Could have used a bit of clarification on some things, but it was alright.

Cannot wait to see the end.

_________________My charactersEverybody has a story to tell. What's yours?

dropped the ball. I won't have time to do the mini update tomorrow and Sunday would be my normal update day. So I'll finish up the imaginate Sunday (or Monday depending on timezone) then have a real, focusing on multiple groups of pets update sometime over the course of next week, then try to get another one next Sunday...

and all this apologizing and explaining is why I never set an update schedule in the first place.

_________________I'm a shape-shifter. I'm currently in whatever form I feel likeParadigm Shift by meI do not actually believe any of what I'm saying.RP character sheets

I see that you decided to work over your narration, Brent. Though there are some moments where you could expand some thing and add more details, you're on the good way to work over that. If you keep practicing, you will improve,as long as you will feel need and will to write.

My advice for today is to try avoiding jumping from one place to another in one update too quickly, because that causes a little disorientation.

Remember to not force yourself to write. It's supposed to be a pleasure for you, not duty. It's always better when the will will come to you, and if you really enjoy writing your work, it will come. Don't worry.

Hmm... that might be a solution. If you feel stronger will towards other story, you may just make a pause to add a filler. Maybe by writing it, you will also gain idea for continuation.Most important is to be able to ignite your brain. If that happens, all starts to form in your mind by itself.Also a good method for writers block is to... forget about your story. If you're focusing too much and you worry about it because you're not able to come out with something, you automatically block yourself. That's why sometimes it's better to use a method commonly used when trying to remember something - stop thinking about it, let yourself be absorbed by something else or simply enjoy life. Then it's a high possibility that idea will struck you all of a sudden and you will regain your ability to write.

Alright, I've neglected this too long. I planned to start writing again this semester. I was even going to do a fourth wall breaking thing where the wizard was gonna tell me to get back to writing and send me to another dimension or something.

but then I found out this would be a writing intensive semester so I those plans went right down the tubes. :/

so I just wanted to let you know that I am still thinking about this, and I do plan to get back to it eventually.

In the meantime, in a contest Dissension had last year, I won a commission from Rick. I was beginning to think I wouldn't get it. But I did, so check out what Drake's been up to while waiting for me to update(it was a link at first cause Rick sent the image to Diss so I had to link the group of them)

_________________I'm a shape-shifter. I'm currently in whatever form I feel likeParadigm Shift by meI do not actually believe any of what I'm saying.RP character sheets

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