Oh, sweet fancy Moses! Did I have fun on Twitter last week! Picked up a bunch of new followers, including none other than Mr. @prodigaljohn himself! Say what you will, there’s something to be said for being incredibly annoying. It just works for me. My sister in sarcasm, @stacyasmallSFL finally broke down and joined twitter. Unfortunately, at the time of this posting, she still has a very creep avatar. She’s probably only leaving it up to annoy me.

I seem to have the same audience on twitter as I do on this blog. Lots of dudes, not so many women. But the women that do follow and I follow back are wicked awesome cool. One very kind, Christ centered lady, after a series of rather monkey butt rich tweets between @purichristos, @redclaydiaries, @weightwhat, and @helenatrandom sent me a tweet asking if I had read a particular book by a Christian author. I told her that I had, and that I loved it. I’m wondering if she believed me…

Rather than retweet entire conversations, I’m only going to post my end of the conversation. It’s more random that way. Also, I’m lazy. Please note that they are in reverse chronological order. I was going for a cool, “Pulp Fiction” sort of vibe. Okay, not really. Again – lazy.

Ladies and gentlemen: the best of me on Twitter:

@davidgs Clearly, I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m okay with that.#chidren’sbooksthatdidn’tmakeit – The Farm where Your Dog Really Goes#children’sbooksthatdidn’tmakeit : The Old Hobo’s infected Toe@davidgs INCONCEIVABLE!@pwilson No, wait…you said you want to FOCUS? Nevermind@pwilson My advice? Read my blog.

@Mix933 Hey, you’re welcome. But I wasn’t listening. I’m not much of a listener…What?@PeterPollock Well, at least I blow dried my cabinet doors. All is not lost!@br8kthru Thanks, Alaska! I feel much better now!

Ugh! Almost 2 pm and I have got a whole lotta nothing done! Low Carb Monster, STAT!Houston humidity has reduced me to blow drying cabinet doors. I love my life!RT @BigBags: “Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.” – Demetri@PeterPollock I have a new post! Are you telling me I’m not in your RSS feeder? If that’s the case Peter – you’re dead to me!

Good morning (again)! For Gumby’s sake, would someone in the Greater Houston area please come fix my tweetdeck. I am that dumb.

@helenatrandom eats head cheese, and I think that’s disgusting! #randomfact

@MichaelHyatt Wait…you have a blog? (snort – just kidding)I couldn’t care less who won on American Idol #

I ate a cheese and pickle sammich for dinner and it was delightful #randomfact@iamstesha “All up in my twitter business” that’s what she said.@PeterPollock I know. He hates me.@iamstesha Hey! At least your husband is on twitter. My husband doesn’t even read my blog. Which is probably a good thing, really.@br8kthru Ugh! I hate magicians! I don’t need to pay people to lie to me. That’s what the federal government is for.@muchl8r Yeah, some people have to just suck the fun out of everything.@loswhit you. and yet you continue to ignore me…Is now being followed by drunken texts, scantily clad co-eds and magic eye lift procedures. Not sure I like this trend.If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people will think you’re a drunk.” #badquotes“I have really bad health insurance. The only hospital on my plan is the Imitation Mayo Clinic.” #badquotes“I called a discount exterminator. A guy showed up with a rolled up newspaper.” #badquotes@KevinMartineau Authenticity is critical. If you can fake that, you’re pretty much golden.Just checked my Google Analytics Keyword Search. There are some strange people out there. Oh, and welcome!RT @davidgs: Boss has called a ‘brief’ status meeting. Gobbling xanax like M&Ms@oliveshoot I have no clue what you just said.@PeterPollock Failure? Nah, I have to write about something I’m familiar with.Post written for Friday. Nada for tomorrow. Topics? Anyone? Anyone?“We all deserve someone who likes us for who we are pretending to be.” #badquotesWet paint in garage + yard guys = sucks being me@TimMoore seriously – you don’t want to go cheap on haircuts, lasik or plastic surgery.“PETA says don’t eat anything w/a face. My standards are more relaxed: Don’t eat anything w/a job” #badquotes“Fruit only angers my need for chocolate.” #badquotes@PuriChristos Seriously, Nick. They already know monkey butt. It’s a small church.

@davidgs Oh, promises, promises!@davidgs Please don’t unfollow me. I find your avatar strangely compelling…@davidgs Hey! How’s everyone? What’s everyone talking about? (snort!)#whyifollow – because I will always refollow pastor types. I need all the prayers I can get!@awsaufley Just don’t break down and buy a white computer. My image of you would be shattered beyond repair.@PuriChristos Look, do you want me to read your blog post, or not? (So far, so good, btw)@PuriChristos Sorry, dude. Walmart, girly birthday party, then girly wedding shower. Had to come home and wash the girlyness off.Alright people. Time to play no-shoe, tattoo, dirty t-shirt bingo at the Wal*Marts! Peace out!

@oliveshoot Yes, I know…but when you can simply delight in your own hilarity, who needs a wide audience?@oliveshoot I know! I crack MYSELF up!That’s what she said…RT @PuriChristos: @katdish On donkey kong’s monkey butt? I think that might be illegal in most countries@PuriChristos Oh, that’s okay. I know you. The magic is gone…#whyifollow – because superhero avatars are H-A-W-T!#whyifollow – because I pink fuzzy heart the eastern seaboard

@Helenatrandom Hey, that’s not an accurate statement. There’s a whole host of reasons I make fun of her.@PuriChristos Oh Nick! I’m on that like Donkey monkey butt kong! Give me 3 days! Monkey butt infamy!Sweet Fancy Moses! God (@godhasablog) just wrote a post of #FOTTSP! Sure, He’s griping at us, but I’m totally used to that!@PuriChristos One a week? Um, er…yeah…Me too.@PuriChristos Am I safe to assume you have a good supply of low carb monster on hand?

Good Morning Twitterville! How may I enrich your lives through the magic of social media? But make it snappy. I gotta go to Walmart.@shrinkingcamel yes, bradley. I wasn’t going to mention the whole tenet thing, because I’m polite like that…There now. All better.It’s been hours since I shamelessly self promoted my blog!: http://bit.ly/12KRlpWow two hat follows in one day. That’s gotta be some kind of record.RT @redclaydiaries: Dear America’s Funniest Home Videos, you complete me.#whyifollow because your monkey butt really IS shaped like a heart. And that’s disgustingly adorable!@SheLives Sadly, she has stopped taking my calls.@redclaydiaries Yes. It is captivatingly disgusting…@SheLives does this mean I can’t celebrity worship you anymore? Oh, well…Tina Weymouth was getting a bit jealous anyway.@PuriChristos but could you put a profile pic? Monkey butt or awesome cat?@PuriChristos Oh thank you Nick! You the big geeky man!@muchl8r maybe @baconjesus could have helped you pass that stone. You should probably follow him.RT @PuriChristos: @redclaydiaries like when I tweeted douche

#whyitweet because being random and annoying on my blog and yours just isn’t enough for me.@redclaydiaries do you think I just have a giant closet of random crap that I give out to all my friends? (Because I totally do)@Helenatrandom If by “It’s katdish’s fault”, you mean, “Thank you, katdish may I have another”. Then yes. It’s katdish’s fault.Oh come ON! Please don’t yell in the twitter (that’s what she said)? Hello? (tap, tap, tap) Is this mic on? That’s GOLD people!@redclaydiaries THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!RT @redclaydiaries: @PuriChristos Please don’t yell in the Twitter.@PuriChristos I’ll have you know, that some people finding me rather engaging and adorable. Isn’t that right @Brian_Russell?

@Helenatrandom Oh, sweet fancy Moses! Do not say head cheese!@weightwhat It’s coming! I’m having a hard time finding a flamingo shipping box. Those are not stock items.

RT @Brian_Russell: #whyitweet : Because my Grandmother got a Facebook, and I think the Apocalypse is nigh… I’ll hide here.@PuriChristos No, that would be Beth. She and Mare have the most crap from me.@redclaydiaries but mostly me…@PuriChristos that’s what she said…@weightwhat Don’t be ridiculous, Wendy. I’m @redclaydiaries favorite. She big red monkey butt hearts me the mostRT @PuriChristos: @katdish you are enjoying this WAY to much. Don’t look at the Shillelagh anymore. It is corrupting you.RT @PuriChristos: ewww @katdish did it again. FIRE FIRE FIRERT @PuriChristos: @tremendousnews dangit, I think @katdish did my first retweet. Now I feel kinda dirty (out damn spot kinda dirty)@stacyasmallSFL I’m sorry — I cannot respond to a creepy brown avatar with blue circle eyes.Oh, and if @prodigaljohn follows @stacyasmallSFL and not me, we’re through, PJ!Attention! Attention! @stacyasmallSFL is now on twitter. I am quiet and demure compared to her.When it comes to my health, I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a moderately well managed Presbyterian Youth Center. – Emo PhillipsRT @Erinbeekeeper: Cannot believe how dumb some people are! also, I want sonic.@Erinbeekeeper nice transition there, Erin.Have you read my blog today? People, I’m not writing this stuff for my own enjoyment! (Okay, maybe I am, but still.) http://bit.ly/EPEmu@loswhit I would love one. Thank you!I was feeling empty. Not quite understanding what was wrong we me. Then I remembered to drink my low carb monster. Now all is good.@godhasablog Would you write for us if I sent you an invite? That would be kind of a big deal…“Deep down, I’m pretty superficial” – Ava Gardner@authorjeremy Oh fine! Unfollow! (just kidding)@authorjeremy OH-EM-GEE! Are you telling me that you know Stephen King? He’s my scary writer hero!@authorjeremy I LOVE scary authors with a guitar. Will Stephen King be involved?@PeterPollock Oh, you’re just saying that because it’s true!#followfriday: @tremendousnews. that’s really all you need.RT @tremendousnews: Thank you for your #followfriday. Kindly use the disclaimer: “he has all the appeal of an invasive surgery”

@loswhit sorry about that last tweet, I don’t know how your name got on there. Carry on.@loswhit @marni71 and how come SFL isn’t on twitter yet? She’d be all up in this.@levittmike Yes! That just might work! Thank you. Can you call my client for me?Oooo! Some hot young guy just called me baby!@LevelTen_Colin what is friendfeed? Sounds expensive. My friends eat a lot.@Becks_Beer Are you following me yet? You totally should be..@weightwhat Nah…too obvious.Dear @stunned_beef , Sweet fancy Moses! I don’t even want to know how you came up with that name.I need an excuse as to why I’m not painting cabinet door right now. Please submit in 140 characters or less.@muchl8r you’re worried about sounding stupid to ME? I thought you knew me better than that. I’m all up in stupid.@muchl8r I ALWAYS have fun being a bum! Now, if I could just get paid for it…@whataboutbobdog I’m so lazy, I’m thinking about getting one of those voice box doo-hickys so I don’t even have to type.@whataboutbobdog LINK, PLEASE!@godhasablog Sounds good. And I want to thank you in advance for the excellent parking space at the airportI’m not kidding. If you want me to leave a comment on your blog, you better give me a link. I’m feeling extra lazy this morning.@redclaydiaries so did you actually go for a walk with Charlie, or did he pull you around in a wagon?@jewdacris4 seriously, that rises to a new level of craptastic!@jewdacris4 Are you freaking kidding me with that video?@godhasablog Go ahead. I’ll cover for you.Here’s my lazy #followfriday: follow everyone @blogomomma says to. She does not disappoint.Okay…Who wrote a blog post they want me to lay down some wisdom on in the comments section? Yeah, I’m that lazy.@br8kthru Is that a racial slur? It’s okay if it is, just checking…Superduper wax-free mega pastor #followfriday: @pwilson@marni71 the douche tweet, that is@marni71 I’m not gonna lie. I just went pee a little after reading that tweet.Superduper pastorly type #followfriday: @br8kthru, @purichristos, @peterpollock, @churchpunk, @jewdacris4, @nickcarnes, @revmarkbrownI’ve been lurking this morning…Okay, I gotta get some shut eye. Tomorrow’s another fun-filled low carb monster sort of day!

@blogomomma Okay, we can be friends, but don’t be talking about your core and such nonsense. But that is a pretty sweet machine!@blogomomma Now see, that’s why I took up smoking. I can get my heart rate up pretty fast these days. (kidding)@weightwhat I do what I can Wendy. I do what I can.@blogomomma Now see, that goes against my workout motto: “No pain = no pain”@blogomomma HSN?!? What kind of tacky crap are you buying on HSN? (not that there’s anything wrong with that)@pwilson you need to give Acuff a hard time because he REFUSES to follow me on twitter. After all I’ve done for that man’s career (snort)@weightwhat No. I’m making new friends and considering unfollowing some old ones. (not you, of course)I think I may do an “Unfollow Friday” tomorrow. You know, mix things up a bit…I may be awake, I may not. Depends on whether the washing machine stops in the next 36 minutes.It’s not up yet, but at 12:01 Central time, my weekly twitter update will post. This week featuring @tremendousnews@Brian_Russell Thanks a million for the retweet of my incredibly inflated ego. That makes me feel so special.@pwilson HA! I’ll kick some ferret flu butt!@pwilson FERRET FLU? Oh, that is rich!@juliepeterson sorry, no. I’m too cheap.RT @tremendousnews: Don’t ever unfollow us. We’ll hunt you down electronically and send you empty threats while crying.@PuriChristos Starter pistol!@PuriChristos Monkey butt!@PuriChristos Yes Nick. Thanks for the fist bump.I need that feedback for my incredibly inflated ego.Light bulb moment- People read my blog on a regular basis & NEVER leave comments. What is UP with that? I’m glad you read, but talk to me!@blogomomma Oh, I was taking credit for being your creepy stalker.@rachaelmphillip It was worth a shot@jewdacris4 way to clean up those tweets fartface!RT @PuriChristos: Going to go set something on fire. I love my lifeRT @tonyyork: If you ever walk into the men’s room and it smells like bring-a-goat-to-work day. Leave… Just leave.@bf_podcast wow. that is seriously sucktacular.@Helenatrandom @redclaydiaries I’m waiting for @hellinahandbasket to start following me. Then I’ll be worried.@redclaydiaries Honestly, don’t you think “monkey butt love” is assumed when following any of us?

@billycoffey is an excellent writer, but does not fully grasp the power of shameless self promotion via twitter, and if he expects me to continue to be his nasty pimp, he needs to cooperate a bit more.

that’s what she said

If @purichristos and I grew up in the same house, one of us would surely be dead, or at the very least, maimed.

On a personal note, I would just like to say, “Hot young guy who unfollowed me: Come back!”

Despite a few subtle hints dropped here and there via twitter, certain people still refuse to follow me or the rest of my frigintastically interesting friends. I’m not going to mention any names, but you know who you are “Jodigal Pron”. (Wow – that looks kinda dirty typed out like that, huh?) Anyway, here’s what you’ve been missing:

Things I still don’t necessarily need to know about you via twitter:

that your arms are getting really hairy

that your local starbucks is open until 10PM

that your cable is out

that your dog woke you up in the middle of the night to go pee (okay, that was me)

whether or not you use an umbrella

that you take the Lord’s name in vain with the same reckless abandon whether the Cubs win a three game series or “it’s time for bed”

Some of my more observant readers may have noticed that I removed my twitter updates from the sidebar of this blog. If you want to know my goings on via twitter, get an account and follow me. There’s no need to obsessively check my blog’s sidebar several times a day to see what I’m doing. (You know who you are…)

Seriously, I think twitter is tons of fun. I didn’t even list some of my favorite “conversations” via twitter. @PuriChristos tweeted in Klingon for like 4 tweets, which I was completely baffled by. I’m a freak, not a geek. We just run in the same circles. But he forgave me. Good thing I’m adorable. May 4 was Star Wars Day. There are quiet a few awkward Star Wars geeks on twitter, most of them are my friends. @CandySteele made an obscene amount of Chex Mix, but no ham sandwiches, @redclaydiaries wants a riding vacuum cleaner with a bulldozer attachment, @marni71 wants one of those contraptions from Cat in the Hat that Thing 1 and Thing 2 ride around on. @helenatrandom is a twitter whore and a grocery store ho. Good times. Now, why aren’t you following me? You know you want to…