Disclaimer: I have absolutely no rights
whatsoever. For fangirl daydreaming purposes only. XD

Rating: M

Summary: "The gods don't save anyone.
You have to save yourself." … But let me tell you… HE saved ME.

A/N:

Well,
here it is: the 'discovery' fic, the chapter of the Torrent thread that tells
how Sanzo and Gojyo came together, and how Hakkai and Goku find out and how
they feel about it. I actually started this story waaayyyy before I ever took
up writing the SxGxS of Barely Breathing; the first chapter was actually
written sometime last July 2005. But I put the story aside when it started to
get too OOC (imo) – and then Bad Medicine happened, then Heatwave, then the
whole sxgxs just took off with full speed, and everything avalanched until I
totally forgot about this fic.

But
here it is at last, I dug it up and reworked it, especially for Serephim and
Jessica and Aries28 and all the other readers who emailed me asking for it. )
This story starts before the things that took place in "Torrent" –
before Goku defeated Homura, but after Sanzo was slashed by the Fighting God's
blade.

I
have to thank my sister Pebbles for buying me the mangas, on which the heart of
this story is heavily based on. Thanks sib! Now I just need the last 4 books…
XD XD XD

---

"With thee I would
love to live; with thee I would be willing to die." – Horace

---

Chapter 1: Stargazers

"He
is beautiful, isn't he?"

"Huh?"
Gojyo jerked guiltily, bending down and sorting a handful of leaves to hide his
blushing face.

Looking
up through his lashes, Gojyo stole another glance at their leader. You wouldn't
know it looking at him that just over a week ago the man had been slashed down
the chest with a fiery, heavenly blade. He supposed that Genjo Sanzo was high
in the favor of Tenkai indeed, and that the strange chakra on his forehead
really meant something, after all. It was nothing short of a miracle that he
was even up and about. Talk about an iron will and fierce purpose… their leader
was deadly determined to finish the thing with Homura no matter what.

Across
the inn's lawn, Sanzo was sitting on the grass, his back against a tree trunk,
as he read the day's newspaper. The afternoon sunlight glinted off his rimless
spectacles. The priestly robes were undone, pooled at his waist. Ivory skin
gleamed in the sunshine, the blonde hair circled by a halo of gold. Slender
fingers turned the pages, and an alabaster hand raised up to briefly lift off
silken strands from his nape as a slight breeze blew. The man was so painfully
exquisite, it hurt Gojyo to look at him.

He
dropped his eyes once more, and sifted through his handful of leaves. "I
think maybe he's been sent by the gods to punish me for my crimes," he
answered Hakkai honestly.

Hakkai
blinked. It wasn't like Gojyo to give a straight answer. But… punishment? For
what crimes? If anything, he, Hakkai, was the murderer that the Sanbutsushin
had sent Sanzo to look for. Certainly Gojyo had long since given up the street
life since their paths had crossed. So what could his best friend be talking
about?

"What
do you mean, Gojyo?" Hakkai asked; watching as Goku came tearing out of
the bushes and crashed into Sanzo. The healer winced. That had to hurt; Sanzo
was still wearing tight bandages until his wound healed completely. Goku paled,
stammering with sincere remorse; but Sanzo whipped out his fan and gave the
poor monkey a good thwak. Over the distance Hakkai could just make out Goku's
whining and Sanzo's irritation. He smiled. That was a good sign. If anything,
Sanzo's stubborn spirit would speed his recovery faster than anything else.

"Oh,
you know…" Gojyo replied casually, drawing Hakkai's attention back to the
redhead. "Punishment for the long trail of broken hearts I've left behind…"

"Didn't
you always say that the girls knew the score all along?"

"Aa…
but what can I do? I'm irresistible. The ladies can't help falling on
love with me…" Gojyo gave a half-grin, but Hakkai looked thoughtful.

"I've
known you a long time now, Gojyo, and you've never looked at any woman
the way you look at a certain someone." Hakkai stood up and dusted himself
off. Hakuryu flew down from the roof and settled on his shoulder. "Seems
to me you're punishing yourself. Why don't you just tell him how you feel?"

Gojyo
started to fiercely deny that he felt anything, and then he gave a self-mocking
snort. "Huh. Yeah, right…" he muttered, eyes downcast. He crushed a
handful of dry leaves in his palm as his fist curled tight.

Hakkai
turned and looked thoughtfully once more in the direction of their leader. He
caught Sanzo staring intensely at the unaware, frowning Gojyo, and then Sanzo
spied Hakkai looking and dropped his eyes back to his paper, turning a leaf
over nonchalantly.

Hakkai
looked down at Gojyo and found him glaring up at him. He gave his friend a fond
smile. "You should think about it. What have you got to lose? You know you'll
regret it if you don't."

With
that, Hakkai walked off, murmuring to the mini-dragon.

Gojyo
stared at the retreating healer, shock in his red eyes. He couldn't breathe,
all of a sudden. Hakkai's parting sentence rang in his mind, and a voice inside
him completed the unspoken words. We are living each day on a gamble,
traveling west and being entrusted with this Divine Mission as we are. Each day
could be our last. Especially for Sanzo. Especially now, with Homura and his
mad plans.

His
eyes sought Sanzo once more, and across the distance the priest seemed suddenly
all too frail, all too mortal… all too precious. At exactly that moment,
Sanzo winced and shifted, cradling his arm to his chest protectively as the
wound throbbed from where the stupid monkey had bumped into him. Gojyo felt his
heart twist painfully. That's right… that beautiful bastard was the reason he
was even putting himself through the torture of this fucking mission in the
first place.

---

XxXxX

---

At dinner that night, Hakkai sat feeding
Hakuryu morsels off his plate, as usual. Sanzo picked at his food, then lit a
smoke and read the evening paper.

Meanwhile,
Goku slyly tweaked some spring rolls from Gojyo's plate, but the kappa didn't
notice. For Gojyo was staring at Sanzo.

"Oi,
erogappa! Does Sanzo have spinach on his face or something?" Goku asked
innocently.

Gojyo
flushed as violet eyes lifted and regarded him curiously from the edge of the
newspaper. He coughed. "I was… it was just—"

The
ikkou stared as Gojyo pushed his chair back hastily, causing it to crash to the
floor. He stooped and righted it clumsily, stammering an excuse, before he
turned and bolted for the door.

"Are!
Gojyo!" Goku called, puzzled. "What's gotten into him?"

"Is
he sick, Hakkai?" Sanzo asked.

"Just…
leave him alone for a while."

Sanzo
stared at Hakkai suspiciously for a long moment, before he gave a bored sniff. "Hn."

"So
anyway Sanzo, do you still plan to confront Homura in a few days?"

"You
betcha!" Goku snarled. "We have a fight left to finish, him and me…"

Sanzo
threw the monkey a withering look, before transferring the haughty look to
Hakkai. "What do you think, baka? I'm certainly not waiting around
for that delusional freak to succeed with his idiot plans."

Hakkai
smiled smugly. "Then you'd best eat something, don't you agree?
Shall I order you some beef broth, if that's more to your liking?"

Gojyo drew a deep, shuddering breath, and
squared his shoulders. Now or never. He got out of bed and followed Sanzo out
to the inn's garden.

All
four of them were sharing a room again tonight. At least the room had four
proper beds. Hakkai and Goku had gone to sleep hours earlier, but for some
reason the High Priest was fidgety. After an hour spent sitting by the window,
Sanzo had finally left the room noiselessly. After fifteen minutes or so,
Gojyo, who had silently been observing him the whole time, finally summoned
enough courage to follow him out.

Normally
he wouldn't have given a moment's thought about intruding on the notoriously
private Sanzo; had in fact always relished seeing the purple eyes flare in
indignation. He'd always thought it too cute the way Sanzo shied away from the
most casual body contact, which is why he always did it, of course – he had a
natural talent for seeking Sanzo out when the other sought to disappear for a
few moments' peace, and took special pleasure in watching the pale cheeks flush
and the violet eyes glitter dangerously when he slung an arm casually over the
monk's shoulder. Sanzo stiffened and reacted precisely like a girl spurning the
advances of an overeager young man, a fact which endeared him to Gojyo to no
end.

But
casual flirting and delicious rejection – the game of advance and retreat, as
he'd taken to calling it in his own mind – was far different from what he meant
to do tonight. Tonight he wasn't feeling playful at all. Tonight he felt deadly
serious, and it scared the shit out of him. Sanzo hissing at him and spitting "horny
pervert" whenever he indulged in the "touch" game he could take
– but a rejection of his sincere feelings was something else entirely.
Especially since he'd never felt this way about anyone.

Sanzo
lay on his back on the grass, hands behind his head, violet eyes thoughtful as
he gazed at the stars. The night was blessedly quiet and pleasingly cool, the
silence broken by the occasional cricket, or a splash from the inn's pond.
Absentmindedly, the priest lit a cigarette, blowing the smoke out with a little
sigh.

"I
try to remember what happiness was, and when that don't work, I study the
stars."

Sanzo
gave a startled jerk as a pair of long legs materialized into view. Golden
eyebrows raised in approval.

"Derek
Walcott," Sanzo stated, turning the golden head back up to gaze at the
sliver of the new moon.

Gojyo
stretched out beside him, carefully keeping a respectful foot away, his heart
beating madly in his chest. Even from this distance he felt the heat from Sanzo's
body, he smelled the clean, alluring scent of vanilla musk, he felt those
piercing purple eyes scorching his face as Sanzo looked at him.

"I
will love the light for it shows me the way, but I will endure the darkness for
it shows me the stars," Sanzo quoted.

Gojyo
grinned smugly. That was one of his most favorite lines, ever. If the monk
thought to stump him with that one, he was going to be disappointed. He felt an
incredible tenderness well up in him to hear Sanzo saying those words. "Og
Mandino," Gojyo replied triumphantly.

"Huh.
What do you know…" Sanzo drawled in a dry voice.

Gojyo
turned his head and met Sanzo's eyes. Crimson eyebrows raised as he quoted
softly. "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the
stars."

Sanzo
held his gaze for a long moment, before answering. "Oscar Wilde."

Gojyo
allowed himself a half-grin. But the violet eyes only continued to regard him
silently, searchingly. And then Sanzo sighed and fished out another cigarette.

Gojyo
turned his head away slowly, his heart jumping madly in his chest. Now or
never, you fool! he hissed to himself. Who knows what's going to happen
tomorrow? More precisely, what was going to happen in a few days, when they
planned to return and confront Homura once more… Gojyo squeezed his eyes shut
tightly, biting his lip. When? When had it come to this? He had thought it was
just a silly, sick crush… until Hakkai, damn him, until Hakkai had opened his
eyes.

His
eyes flew open, hearing the muttered curses as Sanzo's lighter refused to work.
He grinned, his mood lightening as he fished out a Hi-Lite, clamped it to his
lips, and pulled out his trusty Zippo. He lit his smoke, turning to offer Sanzo
a light…

…But
Sanzo was already there. Out of nowhere, like a flash, suddenly above him, an
alabaster elbow braced on either side of his head. A brief flash of pain
crossed the perfect face as his wound throbbed, before it was swiftly conquered
and ignored. The golden head dipped down.

"Keep
still, baka," Sanzo mumbled around his Marlboro. Before Gojyo could say
anything, Sanzo steadied the cigarette in his mouth, dipped his head, and
touched the stick to the glowing end of Gojyo's Hi-Lite.

Gojyo
hardly dared to breathe, and lay rigid and still as Sanzo puffed once or twice
to get his smoke to light up. Fuck it was so different when Sanzo was the one
to get close to him, instead of him getting close to Sanzo under pretense of
teasing. Then, he always had to be ready for a hit with the harisen or a bullet
from out of nowhere, and he barely had time to enjoy Sanzo's nearness. It was
more the thrill of getting under Sanzo's skin.

Whereas
now… with Sanzo so unexpectedly moving close to him, imprisoning him
helplessly without warning, with nowhere to go… Gojyo's blood fired in his
veins, all his senses swooning at Sanzo's nearness, at Sanzo's heat, at Sanzo's
smell, at Sanzo's feel, against him. Gods, he was going to moan
soon and betray himself.

"Sankyuuu…"
Sanzo drawled, backing away. Gojyo exhaled, shuddering; then felt his pulse
hammer anew as the priest settled his head comfortably against Gojyo's
shoulder, the rest of his body at a right angle with the redhead's.

Gojyo
couldn't answer as he drew in deep lungfuls of air; as golden, silken hair
caressed his throat and jaw. He inhaled the heady scent of Sanzo's shampoo. He
closed his eyes and swallowed hard.

"What
are you doing up anyway?" Sanzo's voice reached him as if from a fog. "You
usually sleep like a log."

Gojyo
drew a deep drag on his smoke instead of replying, willing his heart to calm
down. He can feel it beneath his head! Goddamn slow down, dammit! A voice
inside him answered. Well fuck why not go the whole hog and just tell
the bastard how you feel, idiot?

"Gojyo?"
Sanzo craned his neck, trying to peer up at him.

Gojyo
sighed. This was a hell of a lot harder than he'd expected. Shit. How typical.
He had no trouble whispering sweet nothings and love words to get a woman into
his bed, but when it came to the real deal he was chickenshit, after all.

Sanzo
frowned, and crushed out his cigarette. He moved away, wincing, then braced
himself on an elbow, so he could study Gojyo's face. Gojyo groaned inwardly at
the loss of the golden head pillowed on his shoulder.

Red
eyes met violet; and Gojyo held his gaze for the briefest of moments, then
slammed his eyes shut, rolling his head away to try and escape the merciless
scrutiny from those enigmatic purple eyes.

"I
might ask you the same thing," he finally replied, sitting up swiftly and
mentally kicking himself for being a coward. Shit, shit, shit! The perfect
opportunity, and he let it pass. He stood up slowly, even now not trusting
himself not to grab Sanzo, crush him in his arms, and devour that hard,
cynical, beautiful mouth, wounded, pained Sanzo and all.

Sanzo
frowned up at him. Gojyo took a last drag on his cigarette and crushed it out
beneath his boot, before turning and offering Sanzo a hand up. Purple eyes
glared up at him; and then Sanzo admitted defeat and allowed himself to be
helped gently up to a sitting position.

"You
really ought to be resting that wound instead of stargazing," Gojyo
mentioned. "Otherwise it'll open up again. It's only been over a week."

"Feh.
None of your business," Sanzo growled.

Gojyo
shrugged nonchalantly, and fought the urge to scoop Sanzo up and carry him back
to bed and make sure he stayed there until he healed.

"So
what's on your mind, Sanzo-sama?" Gojyo drawled instead, not really
expecting an answer. He hooked his hands in his back pockets and gazed up to
the star-studded sky, drawing in deep draughts of cool night air. He was
startled when Sanzo actually answered him.

"It's
that goddamn monkey. There's a look in his eyes sometimes…"

"You
see it too, huh?"

Sanzo
frowned. "Of course I see it! It's been there since that time that the
bastard Homura kept him in chains…"

"Yeah,
I know. It's been bothering me too."

Sanzo
gazed up at Gojyo's profile, measuring him with his eyes. Gojyo shrugged, then
turned his head and raised his eyebrows at the monk. "Nani? You think I
just get my kicks teasing and tormenting him? Hell, Sanzo, I care about the kid
too, you know." And I care about YOU. I care FOR you like you wouldn't
believe…

"'Ch."
Sanzo got slowly to his feet, muttering curses, and then he let out a tired
sigh. "I wish I knew what it was about. I don't need the goddamn Seiten
Taisei released again on a wild rampage…" he muttered, remembering the
fight with Kougaiji in the desert.

"Haven't
you asked him?"

Sanzo
snorted. "Baka. Of course. But he only looks back at me with confused
eyes."

Gojyo
pondered a moment. "Maybe he'll tell you, in time. Maybe we should just
leave him alone for a while."

"Hn.
That would be fine if we didn't have the final battle to think about,"
Sanzo grunted. "No, Gojyo, time is exactly what we don't have anymore."
Sanzo sighed again, and then he walked away.

Gojyo
slammed his eyes shut and clenched his fists. Damn. Way to sucker punch it to
me, you bastard. "Had enough starlight, Sanzo-sama?" he called after
the retreating figure.

"Urusei."

Gojyo
stayed outside a while longer, cursing himself to hell for not telling Sanzo
how he felt, and wondering if he'd ever have the courage to do it. Wondering if
there was even enough time for him to do it.

XxXxX

---

---

A/N: So there it is, the first Chapter.
Damn, I didn't realize it was that long! This is the neglected fic that I
mentioned above, the one I started and later set aside. I've reworked it
somewhat, like I said; but somehow it still feels a tiny bit OOC to me. Or
maybe that's because I've gotten accustomed to my SxGxS. In any case, the
Torrent thread is more serious than Barely Breathing; and besides that I
can do no more revisions on this first part and still keep its spirit intact.
So it stands as it is. Chapter 2 next!