Monday, June 30, 2008

relationships...when will they end?

I'm right in the middle of some confusion, frustration, sadness...really I'm right in the middle of a huge pity party for myself.

So, cue the sad song and grab a tissue.

Is the song on??...Ok, keep reading.

I'm kinda sad about relationships. I love them and I think they are amazing. But I've been thinking a lot about all the different dynamics of relationships with people that I have and have had in my life.

Even though I haven't lived outside of Utah for too much of my life, I've had the opportunity to travel quite a bit and I've met people from all over the world. I've also had people that I really care about move away from Utah. Last night I was thinking about people and missing a few. I have friends in Ukraine, Germany, England, Chile, Peru, Israel, just to name a few. As well as several states here in America (Hawaii, California, Alabama, Maryland) that I never see. Some people that I care a lot about that I might never see again. It sucks.

I've been thinking about relationships that are developing in my life right now and how sometimes I'm self destructive or I kind of sabotage things that are going really well. I think I let myself think too much about good relationships that have come and gone that have hurt me over the years so I try to keep a safe distance or I build a wall if you will, to protect myself. I let myself think that sometime this will inevitably end so if I keep myself from putting my whole heart into it so I get less hurt when things change and the connection fades, it will hurt less, instead of just embracing it, and living in and loving the moment. I wonder how many good things I've let go because I'm scared of getting hurt. This is starting to sound romanticy, but it's more than romantic relationships. I get attached to people. I know everything happens for a reason and people come into our lives when we really need them, and I guess when paths have crossed and begin to go their separate ways again that's probably for a reason too, but it's still way hard.

I've been thinking about this monk in Hawaii. And his lotus leaf advice. Here's what he said and the thoughts I had in case you don't wanna read the whole post. "Live your life affectionately detached. Like water on a lotus leaf." Think about that. He happened to be standing by a pond with lotus leaves floating in it and he splashed some water on one. Kind of cool. I need to live more like that I decided. I think I'm a pretty passionate person, which is good I guess, but I get too attached to people and situations. I struggle with the fact that people and the world are constantly changing and that no matter how good things, or people, or relationships are, they're going to change. Amazing friendships will come and go. That makes me sad, but it's happened to me, so I know it's true.

Today I got an email from the guy who is planning our 10 year high school reunion that is happening in August. He was one of my closest friends and I haven't seen or talked to him in 10 years! He attached a list of 306 people that we graduated with that are MIA and asked if I had contact info on any of them. I knew a good percent of the people on the list when we were in HS, and was friends with quite a lot as well. I have email addresses and/or phone numbers for 7. Only 7 out of 306! That part was a total side note. It just made me think more about people coming and going.

Well, that's all. I don't have a good "final thought" to wrap this up. I wish I did. So if you wanna hit repeat on the sad song you're listening to, and just sit and think for a moment about me and some awesome advise you might have, then feel free. ;)

hey.. wow i really understand what you wrote i feel the same.. ive traveled around europe and lived in south america for a little while its so exciting meeting and becoming with people all over.. luckily i have reunited with some international friends but its hard to let go, to not miss people, or accept the fact that you may not see them again and leave it to fate..i dont know if i make sense but i just got back from spending the summer in Ecuador and its hard i still talk to this guy everyday that i was with when i was there but im at the point where im like i dont know if ill ever see him again so maybe it'd be easier to end things now rather than waiting til one of finds someone else and we end things on those terms... basically its really hard to just live in the moment but thats the only option most of the time

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why i blog...

Maybe I don't know. I guess I do it so people will know I'm here, on the planet. And then maybe in a couple years, or like 60 years, when I'm not here, someone will come across this Andrea person and wonder if the address is 'its me andrea' or 'its mean drea' Anyway, I'm just leaving a little mark. I was carefree. I was confused. I was hungry. I was mad. I was in love. I was sad. I was hurt. I was flirtatious. I was giddy. I was tired. I was determined. I was discouraged. I was sarcastic. I was daring. I was happy. I had ideas. I had hope.