"I want a Gorilla named Davey, so he can beat up the skateboard kids that pulled on my underwear. He can take orders from the talking Walnut so it won't be my bad thing."

Bad Santa

And since we are on the Holiday Theme.

"We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f@!king Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a$$holes this side of the nuthouse."