Some of you are probably wondering what was going on in my life after my little interruption a couple of weeks ago. I wanted to take some time to process it before I shared more and while I am still processing it to a degree, I think I have a lot of the major stuff out of the way and am here to share a bit.

I ended up getting a surprise letter from my mother in the mail. Basically, it was a “Dear John” letter of nature. It was a letter ending our relationship. It wasn’t long, but the main points about it consisted of telling me that working on a relationship between us was too hard for her, stating that she would not ever know me or my child, that I was to “Take care,” and when she signed it, instead of it being signed by “Mom,” it was signed by her first name. So with all of that, it felt very final.

Now I’m not here to vent or rant about this whole story. I’m not here to dish out all the details of what led up to this. I have close friends where I can and do discuss this with. I don’t feel a need to trash my mother in any type of forum. What I would like to do is share stuff related to me, not her. Things that I think would be relevant and helpful to others.

This letter surprised me, as my last formal communication to my mother was to reach out to her about what kind of relationship I would love to have with her and an open invitation to work on that together. I laid out what I believed a healthy relationship to consist of, which, to me, is good communication, boundaries, getting to know each other better, accountability, lots of grace for each other, and working hard on our own selves at not taking offense easily. I told her how I believed that miscommunication and misunderstandings are some of the top things that kill relationships. I told her my heart towards her, which is totally for her 100%, and how great my desire was to get to know her better and for her to know me better. I also asked to know her response to my email, and that if anything that I wrote was troubling to her in any way, that I hoped we could discuss why, hear each other out, and work together to find some way to work through it that would be acceptable and safe for both of us.

For a year, I heard no response back. Then out of the blue, I get this response from her in the mail. And for me, that was ouch. It felt like she had died. It felt like I was being betrayed. Hopefully this is not a trigger for anyone, but at the most, it felt like I was being aborted, but not sight unseen, but after she had a chance to get to know me for 30+ years, and then saying, um, no. At the least, it felt like I was being dropped off at an orphanage. It stung. It hurt. And I felt like she was willingly giving up on me and a relationship together for no substantial reason.

Now stopping right there – can you relate to that in some way? We all are going to experience a betrayal in our lives. It may not be your mother, but it doesn’t matter who sometimes. Betrayal is betrayal. Being given up on is abandonment. Someone saying you’re not worth working things out for – it’s going to hurt, no matter who it is.

And when you experience that, what are you going to do? How do you pick up the pieces? Where do you go from there? Or do you not go on from there and instead let that halt you forever? What do you do?

I’m not here to judge anyone else in what they have gone through. I’m not even here to judge my mother. You know what I am concerned about? Me. And that might sound self-centered, if you just stopped listening right there, but I’m righteously concerned about me.

See, I can’t control what others do to me. Boundaries can help somewhat, but unless I become controlling and manipulative or become a hermit, I can’t control 100% what people do to me. If I am going to be in any relationships at all, if I open myself to the possibility of love, I am also opening up myself to the possibility of being hurt as well. To me, it is useless to focus on trying to control others 100% since that is impossible. It cannot be done. What I CAN do, however, is control me.

Some responses I will have to something like this happening are automatic. But some responses will not be. Some of those responses, and especially my choices of how to react and respond, I get to decide how that part of the story goes. So instead of wasting a lot of time about others, I take all my extra energy and focus and I look at me.

I can choose to become a victor or a victim at this point. I can choose to forgive or be bitter. I can choose to let my worth be affected permanently by this or to be affected permanently by something much more stable. All in all, where I go from here is totally up to me. And I take that responsibility very seriously.

As for me, I refuse to be a victim for the rest of my life. That’s not what I want my identity to be about when people look at my days on this side of eternity. This is not the only heartache I have experienced in my life. People have given up on experiencing much less. But I am wanting a certain story, if you will, with my life on this side of eternity. And I want a good story. And I don’t want my story to be that I gave up, that I compromised, that I stayed a victim, that I became bitter, that I let other people or circumstances be the excuse that stopped me from my overcoming, from my “Cinderella” story, if you will.

Now I can “say” this all I want. Actually walking this out is a whole different story. You know what I’m talking about. People who “say” they are “fine” when they clearly are not. I don’t want that either. I am willing to do whatever I have to do in order to forgive, to let go, to heal, and yes, ultimately, to bless those people who, whether intentionally or unintentionally, end up cursing my life and who hurt and attack me.

Do you see how I am saying that I am making this about me in a righteous way? This is not about what people have or have not done to me. This is about me and which path I am going to choose to be on. And you can say that I am making this too simple. You can claim that this is just pretty writing and that I am not really living this out. And for any who would say that, I’m sorry you feel that way. This is not about you either. This not about proving to anyone that I am doing well. This is about my journey, whether others see it rightly or not. There simply isn’t anything to prove to anyone. If you don’t believe it, if you are offended, or fill in the blank with something else entirely, I am sorry you feel that way. And I leave it at that.

I have a feeling this post may get a lot of responses. We all have toxic people in our lives. We all experience betrayal. We all need to learn more about boundaries. We all need to learn more about how to grow and develop our relationships. We all need to learn more about what to do about people who seem to create drama in our lives or who try to control and manipulate us and upset our peace. We all need to learn more about how to heal and to forgive, how to let go and honestly move forward. We all need to learn more about how to vent and process our feelings in a righteous way and not attack others with those feelings while doing that. These are desperately needed life skills that are seldom learned and seldom taught, and in the rare case they are taught, they usually are not taught relevantly and practically, and because of that, are not passed on from generation to generation.

What I have learned in this area has taken hard study and initiation and seeking out Wisdom from multiple areas and trying to put all the pieces together and then turning that into practical steps to walk out daily. But I LOVE this. I LOVE what going in this direction has been and continues to bring into my life. I LOVE who I am, and who I am becoming. I LOVE the direction I am going at in my life. I LOVE that I am ensuring that I will not end up on my death bed with a pile of regrets. I LOVE the peace and the joy that keeps increasing in my life through this. It has been worth every hard step I have taken. I am experiencing the reaping of benefits already. I am sad that previous generations did not pave the way better or make this easier to walk, but that just makes me more eager to help pave the way for the next generation, so it will be easier for them. I LOVE that in that sense, I am a pioneer for my generation and upcoming ones. What I do and live out every day is simple, and yet, we have forgotten the simple, the foundational things, the basic steps of common sense and truth in a lot of areas. I am loving my story as it is being created.

So please, send me your responses. Send me your questions. Send me the topics you would like written about and shared about this and relating topics. I do not claim to know everything. But I am happy to help others in this area and to do what I can to bless you and speed up your journey in this. Every time I post about toxic people, boundaries, etc., so many people chime in either through email, comments on the blog, or comments on my facebook page. So I know there are others out there who are hungry to learn more about this and how to incorporate this more practically in their life.

If I can forgive and overcome a betrayal like this, and I am just a regular person, then I believe, if you want it, so can you. It may not happen overnight, but it can surely happen. I am not simply saying, “Get over it.” That’s not practical, that doesn’t work. It’s a process to heal, to forgive, to let go. It’s not possible to just simply say, “Get over it.” But it IS possible to start and go through a process, that is usually very individual, and to be able to overcome what you have experienced. Many hugs to you all out there that have experienced betrayal, rejection, hurt, abuse, neglect, or just simply toxic people. The good news is they don’t have to take control of and run the rest of your life. You can take your life back and have the life you have always dreamed of. It just depends on how bad you want it. ❤

I put a lot of my own quotes and thoughts up on my facebook page for the Black Sheep Princess. One of the topic areas that seem to be the most popular is when I put up statuses about toxic people. I take that to mean we all have toxic people in our life. What seems to be the most difficult to get a handle on is how to deal with these people in our lives. And wow, that is a weighty topic indeed.

I think toxic people come in all shapes and sizes. They can range from mild, medium, and extra severely toxic. Thing is, we all know them. Those people that just seem to create drama wherever they are. Those that seem to have a negativity around them ALL the time. Whatever shape or size your toxic person is, what is usually in common is that even though you may dearly love this person, you just don’t feel good when you’ve spent time in their presence. And how sad is that? And I’m not talking about you, but them. I mean, you were only in their presence for a short time. They have no escape. At least, no escape they are interested in taking.

I’d like to get more in depth on this topic in the future, but I wanted to limit this post to this truth: Don’t feel bad or guilty for getting away from toxic people. And that goes for toxic people who are family too.

Everyone has crap that happens in their life. We’ve all had to face some type of negative circumstances, abuse, neglect, and those things that life just throws our way. Toxic people just have never decided to turn their lemons into lemonade. And you know what? That is totally their choice to make. 100% hands down their choice to make. It’s their life and they can do what they want with it. To tell your toxic person that they can’t make that choice is just you deciding to become manipulative and controlling yourself. So don’t go there. It’s their life. Let them do what they choose to do with it. It’s not any of our business.

But you know what IS your business? What you do with YOUR life. And you get the same freedom to make your own decisions and choices. So may I humbly suggest that you utilize that freedom and get away from toxic people. When people decide to take a toxic path, you don’t have to stand right next to them and witness every second of it. You have every right to respect their choice and make your own choice and take your life on a different path.

It is totally okay for you to set boundaries for your life, to set limits on your influences, and for you to make choices about your values and to run after those things. If people around you, yes, even family, are so toxic, that being around them is going to deter you from living your life, having your values, and going after your dreams, then by all means, set boundaries and limit your time around these people.

Well, it’s family, you say. So what? When does being family give someone a right to treat you in such a way? I say because people are family, the standards should be set higher. If you’re family, you should be getting better treatment than the general public. At the very least, family should have enough respect to agree to disagree and recognize that every member of the family is entitled to the privilege and basic human right of choosing their own path in life.

All in all, you can’t control what other people do, and it’s not your job to fix other people or judge their choices. But you have 100% say about you. You have authority over you. You answer for you. So don’t worry about other people, even toxic people. If, in order to reach your destination, you have to let go of those who are headed for a different destination, then so be it. Let them go. It’s OK. You’re not bad or being mean. Take lead of your life and sail where your heart tells you. Reaching the destination that you are called to is something you surely won’t regret. ❤

The hard must become habit.
The habit must become easy.
The easy must become beautiful.
~Doug Henning

I am all about making excellence a habit. If we make it a habit, then we do not have to think about it anymore, it will become automatic. We need excellence to be automatic and easy.

It takes only a little bit of work to make something a habit. Only about a month’s worth of time, if that. A little work of sowing something, and you reap a LIFETIME of benefits from it. Once it becomes a habit, it is then automatic, and you don’t have to work hard at remembering anymore to do it, it has become a new normal.

My favorite habit is telling people throughout the day how I love and feel about them and what a difference they are making in my life. I made that automatic so that I will never regret not telling people throughout their lives how I feel. I will never have that day on their funeral and say to myself, I never told them such and such. It will never haunt me because I made that a habit, I made it automatic, I made it normal.

What would you like to have automatic in your life? Try making a list of one thing a month and at the end of the year, you will have twelve things that are now GOOD habits, that are EASY, that are AUTOMATIC, and you don’t need to have extra mental energy to make them happen. Being a mother, a wife, and my own person, and all the different hats I juggle, anything being easier is awesome!!! Habits are a gift to myself.

It seems people are either extremely positive or negative about Valentine’s Day. And I can see all the sides. Yes, it can be wonderful when you have that boy/girlfriend or spouse or child. Yes, it can be celebrated absolutely sincerely. And alternately, yes, it can be extremely “commercialistic”. Yes, it can be horrible if you’re single.

It is a truth that things are what you make them to be. Ultimately, you get to decide how you will view and celebrate Valentine’s Day. The choice is up to you.

But if you know me, I love to take things deeper. You know, provoke the issue a little further and see if something else can’t be brought out of it.

Do everything with so much love in your heart that you would never want to do it any other way. ~Amrit Desai

In living a life with no regrets, I propose something to you that I ultimately do myself. Make EVERYDAY Valentine’s Day.

It is puzzling to me why the mainstream thing to do is only tell people how you really feel about them on special occasions. And often, I find even that doesn’t end up happening. When was the last time it was someone’s birthday that you really cared about, and you took some time to sit them down and tell them, in a non-generic way, what they really meant to you, how they impact, affect, and change your life, and told them your heart for them? Seriously? When?

This is not meant to be a guilt trip, just sincerely asking. I see many people live with regret when their loved ones die. They say, well, we never got to have such and such conversation, I wished I had told them this, I wish they knew how I felt about them, etc. Too often we discuss and verbalize about someone’s impact on us and our heart towards them at funeral gatherings.

Love is just a word until someone comes along and gives it meaning. ~Unknown

It’s sad. They are worth more than that. And you are worth more than that. The price of regret is costly and a heavy burden to bear. Regret is something I wish for no one to have.

I live my life with intention. To me, I believe that every day is special. Every day, I want to live with purpose and decided intent. Every day, I want to sow into the people that I love and care about and tell them my heart for them. They are worth that. I am worth that.

So here is another official tip to living your life without regret: Make every day Valentine’s Day. Tell everyone, as often as you can, throughout the normal everyday, how you feel about them. Get creative about it. Make it NORMAL. Make it a habit. Decide right now that every day is a holiday to tell people your heart for them. It will take some practice and effort, but it will get easier. It eventually will become automatic. Sow those seeds and see, not only what they reap from it, but what YOU reap from it too. I can assure you, that you won’t regret that. ❤

A bell is no bell ’til you ring it,
A song is no song ’til you sing it,
And love in your heart
Wasn’t put there to stay –
Love isn’t love
‘Til you give it away.
~Oscar Hammerstein, Sound of Music, “You Are Sixteen (Reprise)”