going through the motions, and then deciding not to go through the motions...

drop it like it's hot. april 2nd.

that refers to my phone number.

nina says this is the month where i'll finally have sex.

i hope she is right.

i have been walking around for nearly a week now, uncomfortable in my own skin, because i have had about 10 minutes of sex in the last seven months.

it's a fucking crime against humanity. no one should have to endure this. and wanting it only makes it worse.

but something is happening on dating site.

i got those seven mutual matches. i messaged all but one. and got messages back from almost all of them.

and after days of not hearing back, somehow in the last 24 hours, i've gotten two back. and dropped my number like it was hot.

we'll see. i have a potential bowling date with a boy named matthew. and am in the process of setting up something else, perhaps a date at the science center, with a boy named al.

and i don't know that i have ever known an al that was close to my age. the two al's i know are both in their 60s.

a third boy gave me his number, and we missed each other on chat. but maybe that will work itself out eventually.

i think the secret to this is working on the house less, being awake later, and keeping things online and running in the background to increase the chances of running into people i want to chat with online. i spent most days this week working on stuff around the house, and sleeping because i've been sick and also up stupid early in the morning.

i did something funny today. i amended part of my dating site profile.

because i have been feeling like an idiot in my responses to boys. and because i don't really want to change who i am to play some stupid fucking game, i just wrote a little disclaimer. it says something like:

i'm a writer. i'll probably write more than two sentences if i'm interested and write you back. i'm not a robot - i like relating to people.

and i won't wait three point five days to write back for the sake of seeming busy. i am busy. but it takes two minutes to write someone back.

and that it's fun to get to know someone in person. it's just one drink.

i guess it came from getting notes from boys that were like three sentences long. and writing them back the same day, maybe five sentences. and then never hearing from them again.

what the fuck is that? just because i'm on point, that doesn't mean i'm desperate. it's not like i wrote them back and said, 'i have no plans for the future. want to do something tonight?'

come on. just so over the games of online dating after setting out to try it.

in any case, it feels pretty awesome to have made some progress with boys that i think are hot. and it's nervous belly excitement setting up dates and giving out my number.

because until a few days ago, i can't remember the last time i gave a boy my number. seriously? it had to have been when i met ever. eleven years ago.

something else happened today, too.

back story: when i ran the stores in the airport here, i had this employee named mark.

he's one of those guys. you know the type... so so cute. the nicest boy you'll ever meet. genuinely kind and wonderful. and has NO CLUE.

he left phila because he said he couldn't meet girls.

intern has said the exact same thing. whatever.

in any case, mark now lives in western pennsylvania. he has a cute puppy, and a lovely (i'm sure) girlfriend.

he's maybe a five and a half hour drive from here.

a little while back, he posted some skate videos he's in on my wall. he found me on chat a day later, we talked for a while. he said he's planning a trip here soon, and that he'd let us know (us = me/pam/kim) so we could all hang out. he happened to ask about ever that conversation, and i told him i'd left him. i know it caught him off guard, but we talked about it a little, and he reassured me that i'm not too old to be in the dating pool again.

i had a monster crush on him when i worked with him - we all did. but i was his 29 year old married boss, and he was probably 19 at the time. it was completely inappropriate, but i really enjoyed working with him. he was into the business i had with ever at the time, and he moved away with big dreams of making skate videos and starring in them.

this morning, he messaged me again. to tell me i came to visit him in his dream last night.

i was completely caught off guard by that. i asked him if i was nice and respectful in the dream. he said i was.

and then started talking to me. for like an hour. by the end of the conversation, he said i should come out to visit, that he'd give me a tour. i asked if there were any theme parks and he was quite excited thinking about going to the one near him. and i told him that maybe nina and i could visit when she is here. we wanted to go to six flags last time she visited, which is three hours closer.

i don't know. maybe it was silly. but i mentioned hometown, and he said he was born there. which i did not know. and when i said i didn't know that, his response was, 'there's a lot you don't know about me.'

i shook my head. it's such a good line. one that gives me butterflies. even though i know he didn't mean anything by it. if any other boy said that to me, i'd swear they were implying something crush related.

in any case, at some point this summer, i'll have to drag one of my friends out there with me, to go tromping around a theme park with mark, and take any tension out of the arrangement. he's so much fun. if it happens, it will be super awesome.

that's my story. i'm sticking to it.

i'm supposed to go to watch the phils game out tonight. i just feel crappy, and know that the exertion of cheering and screaming and drinking (which means smoking) will destroy me. but i really don't want to stay in either.

it's a conundrum.

i am so grateful for baseball season.

i feel like it's the time for buying a few sets of tickets and asking dating site boys to go with me. but $30 for a date that could be horrible sounds like a rotten idea. it happened to kit once, and i don't want to go through it. maybe on a second or third date. because if it was fun, it would be spectacular. and i live close enough to the stadiums to drag some poor unsuspecting boy home. and into my sex den.

my as-of-yet non-existent sex den.

here's to april being the month that ends the drought. figuratively and literally...