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Tips for Finding KBS

Two points must be made in regards to that last sentence before we can continue. First, I don’t mean popularity in the high school sense, where people simply wish to associate with you. That can be achieved through any number of awful means; so long as people fear you, you will be “popular” in this sense. Second, and most important, I do not mean eviscerate in the manner in which it is typically used, meaning something along the lines of “blown to bits.” This is wrong. The dictionary definition of evisceration is just a fancy word for disemboweling.

And, yes, popularity requires you to have your bowels ripped out. They get smeared upon the faces of your devotees.

The bowel is the soul of us lower animals. It’s where the action happens. We can live without it, yes, but in losing it we become monsters. You must hate your truncated self and be constantly aware of the manner in which it is lacking its humanity.

You know what’s popular? Kentucky Breakfast Stout. So popular that they do a Day for it, like Dark Lord, and then they also spread its distribution razor thin across Founders’ gigantic spread. That means that you probably didn’t get to the day, since you figured there was no need since it’ll be available in your hometown. So now you have to do what you haven’t done since you got married and try to convince a popular thing that you’re worth being around. Good luck.

STEP ONE: Be horrible.
The first, most vital step in securing KBS is to abandon every bit of human decency that might be clinging to you. Reading this article, I assume you to be indecent. That’s good, but you must be better. Before you begin your KBS-gathering—heck, before you begin to even strategize thereabouts—you need to do something that if you heard about someone else doing it you would break off all contact with that person. Masturbate while watching an episode of Cops. Tell a child that butterflies are where butter comes from. Just—get into the mood.

STEP TWO: Call ahead
You might think it’s too late for this since the beer has already been distributed. It’s not. Don’t do something stupid, like ask if they have KBS in stock. They’ll say no if you ask that. Instead, ask something asinine, like exactly what varieties of Shirmnoff brand malt beverages they serve. Then judge the demeanor of the poor soul who answered the phone. Did he sound suicidal or merely annoyed? If it was the former, he’s got some KBS.

STEP THREE: Drive recklessly to the liquor store, park across three spaces
As you’re most likely drunk right now, this was going to happen anyway. But it’s important that you do so with flare! Make the clerks look up at your car before you enter the store, so they know you’re not the kind of person they should deny beer to.

STEP FOUR: Pretend your name was on a list
“Didn’t you mark it down? Oh man my wife is gonna be upset that you didn’t mark it down. She’s the mayor. She, like, she can shut stores down if they do unjust things like denying KBS to cool guys like me.”

STEP FIVE: Cry, wait until they give you a single bottle out of disgust
Think of a dead pet or drowning child if need be. Be sure to strive for eye contact in between your sobs.