Labour schmaving

It occurred to me while using the automated self-checkout machine in Tesco today that I patiently accept a degree of shit from labour-saving devices that I would on no account put up with from people. Why should this be? The following is exactly what would have happened if a person had treated me like the machine in Tesco did.

Me: (Voice shaking, putting bananas in bag) It must be a flapjack. A small bunch of a flapjack.

Assistant: Would you like to pay now? Say ‘Yes please!’ or ‘Not right now thanks, I have some more products that I would like to purchase!’

Me: No. That’s it. Just my box of 40 Clipper Fair Trade English Breakfast Tea Bags and my small yellow bunch of a bakery flapjack with nuts in it. There are other things in my basket, but I’ve realised that I don’t need them.

Assistant: Say ‘yes please!’ or …

Me: Shut up! For god’s sake, shut up!

Assistant: …or ‘Not right now thanks…’

Me: OK. Yes please. Yes please.

Assistant: Do you have a Tesco Clubcard?

Me: No. I hate Tesco.

Assistant: Say ‘Yes I have a great value Tesco Clubcard!’ or ‘Not yet, but when I see the delicious discounts on offer I might just change my mind!’

Me: Not yet, but when I see the delicious discounts on offer I might just change my mind.

Assistant: There’s an exclamation mark.

Me: Sorry. …’!’

Assistant: Place £2.39 in my hand.

Me: Yes, of course. (Counts out exact change into assistant’s hand.)

(The assistant puts the change in the till and gives 5p back to Chris.)

Me: Oh, thanks.

Assistant: Place £0.05 in my hand.

Me: But you just gave that back to me.

Assistant: Place £0.05 in my hand.

Me: But… Never mind. Here you are.

(The assistant hands the 5p back.)

Assistant: Place £0.05 in my hand.

Me: What have I ever done to you?

Assistant: Place £0.05 in my hand.

(Chris blows on the 5p, rubs it on his leg and gives it back to the assistant. The assistant puts it in the till.)

Assistant: Place £0.05 in my hand.

Chris: I have done. You just put it in the till, you fucker.

Assistant: Place £0.05 in my hand.

Chris: Right, I’m going to beat you to death with this German sausage.