y’all i got the sweetest message from a client the other day and after months of feeling like i couldn’t write, i decided to…..just start writing.

she said that she hadn’t checked in quite a while (i can imagine because i haven’t posted anything in quite a while lol) but asked if i’ve been blogging lately and that she really enjoys reading my posts.

y’all, if you don’t know me, you don’t know i’m a crier.

i cry at alllllll the movies. ‘cuz there’s at least ONE sad part in every movie. (AND the REALLY sad ones….like Steel Magnolias, A Star Is Born, My Sister’s Keeper, The Fault in Our Stars, A Dog’s Purpose, Marley & Me when Marley dies ahhhhhhhhhh….like I can’t even. My hubby can’t help but make fun of me and Brooklyn is finally getting over that there’s nothing really WRONG with me lol….that I’m just crying….AGAIN….but it took her a long time and a lot of “Mom! What’s wrong and are you ok???????s”)

i cry when Brooklyn says the cutest things or gives me a hug when i’m least expecting it.

i cry at commercials sometimes….facebook videos…you know like the ones when mom or dad is coming home from the military and their families don’t know it or kids fighting cancer or sicknesses or goalcast videos!!!!!!!!!!! gah the tears…..and can we talk about facebook animal shelter posts for a minute?! (omg ESPECIALLY the ones where they post about a dog they just took in who is an abuse case! again, i can’t even but can i just say what in the actual hell is wrong with people?!?!?? i’d like to say go pick on someone your own size but i hate that too lol)….Mondays (j/k I actually like Mondays now)

i cry in church literally every time i’m there! there’s at least one song or one piece of the message or prayers that touch my heart. every.single.time.

i cry when i get sweet messages out of the blue from friends, clients, coaches, and even strangers who’ve been following me and i had no idea my words touched them in some way.

(just so we’re clear, i’m of the belief that there’s NOTHING wrong with a good cry….and you should never be ashamed for letting yourself cry….for letting yourself FEEL! i know that’s a HUGE part of why i got myself so stuck was that whenever i would FEEL sad I tried to drown the sadness and grief out with food or alcohol or shopping. and that only made me feel MORE SAD. it’s okay to FEEL. don’t dumb yourself. but also don’t stay there for too long. cry and do your best to move on…..like yeah, somehow even find the courage to move on from those sad movies lol)

and maybe it shouldn’t be a big deal to get a message like that but i’ve been feeling ridiculously NOT creative for a long time now. longer than i even realized. and after i realized it, it took me a long time to actually want to DO something to change it.

sooooooo….when i looked backed to see the last time i posted and saw that it was SEPTEMBER last year, her message made me cry a little.

and i’m sorry but as much as i don’t care about other people’s opinions anymore and as hard as i’ve been working to NOT need validation from anyone but God and myself, i’ll be straight up with y’all it made me feel really GOOD to have someone ask about it and basically say where have you been?!….to hear they enjoy this little thing that i do…or ha did….and it made me feel sad to think i haven’t been writing much…for sure in the past year.

i could go into a long sob story about why i haven’t been writing….(it’s not JUST about feeling like i can’t put any words together that anyone would actually want to read)….but i saw something yesterday that really hit me. (i may have even cried a little lol)

“I stopped venting and started praying because I don’t need sympathy, I need strength.”

and not-so-ironically, the wallpaper on my phone is THIS…

i realized when i read that that i do a lot of VENTING to family & friends and looking back, even my readers. and really what i should’ve been doing was more praying! but when we know better we do better, right?

i do want to keep sharing my journey here and on my social media platforms (and part of that probably technically means “venting” lol) ‘cuz i feel that’s so important! (and i’m not sure what i’d even write about if i didn’t share some of it lol?!) because before i started this blog and before i started coaching and before i started being open and vulnerable to people about my struggles, i kinda thought i was all alone and that something was inherently WRONG with me. but i do recognize now that prayer needs to come first and that there’s a fine line between confiding in someone and complaining. and the more we speak life into the negative, the bigger the negative becomes.

but my world opened up…..when i finally opened up!

i found my faith!

i found i was FAR from alone in all this! (and i share because i want YOU to know you’re not alone either!!)

i found it all had less power over me once i not only was honest with myself about it but honest with y’all about it!

i found an ah-mazing community and support system of people who just want to see me succeed and are totally fine with me just being ME. and, not only are they fine with me just being ME, it’s actually encouraged on the DAILY! (y’all may not think this thing is that big of a deal ‘cuz you’re already extremely comfortable just being you {SHOUT OUT TO ALL OF YOU WHO ALREADY ROCK BEING UNAPOLOGETICALLY YOU BTW ~ I ADMIRE Y’ALL!} but if you’re new around here, you don’t know that most of my life i didn’t let most people see the real ME. only a select few people got to see that girl ‘cuz i had built so many walls around myself that i THOUGHT were protecting me. when in fact…they weren’t protecting me AT ALL. they were actually keeping me hidden and small and lonely and paralyzed by fear. and on some level, for most of my life i didn’t think it was OKAY to just be ME. i didn’t think i would be accepted for who i was. i thought i would be judged for who i was. i thought i had to be someone else….someone prettier and thinner and smarter and funnier and more outgoing and someone who could cook and bake and play softball lol (i think i’m pretty athletic and i love sports but y’all i suck at softball….i really wanted to be great at it….i kept joining city league teams hoping to be but i. just. wasn’t. and i eventually accepted it and just sat and watched my girlfriends play instead lol)….in order to be loved and accepted.)

i found a sense of purpose!

i found a joy in writing!

i found a way to get healthy, both mentally & physically (working HARD on this one!)!

i found a way to overcome mom guilt (don’t get me wrong…it’s still there ‘cuz duh we’re human BUT a way to overcome that feeling when it starts to creep in)!

i found a way to overcome the shame of my past (there’s a lot of shit there guys….and i’m not even sure i’ll be able to share about all of it in my book…YEP I’M GONNA WRITE A BOOK!…but while it’s still a process to navigate and let go of it all, the stronger my faith becomes, the more i believe i’m forgiven…that we’re all forgiven as long as we are obedient and ask & believe for it.)

i found passion and fulfillment as a wellness coach! and while i’ve made about every mistake a coach can make and i have a lot of work to do to gain people’s trust back (and some i have to accept i just probably can’t earn their trust back again and to those people, know that i’m truly sorry), i’m determined to become that coach i was when i first started. i lost my way a little about 2 years into it but i’m fighting my way back and i want nothing more to help women OVERCOME again!

so i’m gonna have to share the short version of why i’ve been especially mia without boring you or venting (too much) and that’s that my health is still a hot mess. aside from the frustration and exhaustion of it all, i feel mentally the strongest i’ve ever felt….but it’s like my body just hasn’t gotten the memo. my stomach issues are a complete disaster, i have painful and gross cystic acne, i’m losing my hair in places i don’t want and gaining hair…in places i don’t want lol, my weight keeps creeping up and while i don’t have the attachment to the scale i had for so long, it’s not a healthy thing to have happening….and some days i feel so swollen and bloated that i literally feel like my skin is crawling and that i’m literally going to explode. i’m at the highest weight i’ve ever been outside of being preggo with B….and after doctoring for going on 3 years i think and literally spendings thousands of dollars on office visits and lab draws and holistic supplements, i finally decided to take a step back from all of it. i decided to stop seeing specialists and holistic people and go back on some meds that have helped me in the past instead of being stubborn and thinking if i could JUST eat enuf kale and stop eating gluten and sugar and drinking alcohol and get more sleep that i could get out of this on my own (basically if i could just stop living my life lol ~ if y’all are new here you should also know i can be a bit dramatic at times).

(OH and btw…this isn’t a dig at holistic practices because i actually DO think it’s important to eat the kale and get the sleep and limit the alcohol lol….yeah, i didn’t say go gluten-free because i simply don’t believe EVERYONE needs to be GF…but what i think is more important is to not obsess and restrict your life away! so i actually DO THINK we also need to eat the pizza and not obsess about the lack of sleep we’re getting in this season of our lives ‘cuz there will be seasons of your life were you just can’t get enuf of it and drink the beers and margs…in moderation of course lol).

so yeah, i’m raising the white flag and listening to my family doctors and my obgyn and my therapist FINALLY. i tried all.the.things. and maybe i could’ve eventually gotten past this but i’m tired y’all. and kinda broke lol….both financially and emotionally. the last time i was at my family dr. i asked again if i was making myself sick. and i had so much relief with what she said….that i’m not doing something wrong enuf to make this happen and on the flip side, i probably can’t fix this with….kale lol. (which i of course took as, so you’re saying i CAN fix this with pizza & beer & naps & hot baths?! bahahahaha j/k) now that’s NOT to say she doesn’t think my stress and anxiety are wreaking a lot of havoc. because they are. i can recognize that. but i guess we’ll see what happens simply taking a step back. what’s ironic is that in the past few weeks since I decided to stop chasing and researching what’s wrong with me and doubting myself and obsessing about whether or not everything i put into my mouth is making me more sick that i actually already feel a little better!

anyhoo, it all kinda snowballed on me and left me tired and uninspired and wanting to take a lot of naps and hot baths lol. and i injured my shoulder somehow and couldn’t do my workouts for months and personal life and work life and on and on….and so i just wasn’t feeling like i had anything of value or importance to say/write ‘cuz at most points it would’ve been all complaining….venting….without me showing you how i was turning it all around (‘cuz i wasn’t really lol ~ i mean i was trying but i wasn’t succeeding) (and it’s also hard to write while you’re sleeping or in the bath tub)…..and maybe that’s okay too on some level because i DO STRONGLY BELIEVE we need to listen to what are bodies are trying to tell us! we DO need to rest sometimes. and sometimes if your body is telling you to take a nap or a hot bath, GO TAKE THE FREAKING NAP OR HOT BATH ALREADY and don’t feel even a LITTLE guilty for that shit! but i also believe that by and large, most of us just don’t even know what our bodies were truly meant to feel like! and most of us (‘cuz it took me a long time) don’t recognize the difference between excuses and reality. we weren’t designed to feel lethargic and blah and miserable in our own skin and unmotivated and uninspired all.the.time. we were designed to feel energetic and happy and motivated and inspired most.of.the.time! and it doesn’t serve us to make excuses as to why we can’t feel energetic and happy and motivated and inspired! we have to do all.the.things. that can help make us more energetic and happy and motivated and inspired lol!!! (and if you just haven’t found those things yet, reach out to me. maybe i can help 🙂 ).

so y’all the title of this post is “one fit life” and when i talk about having a fit life it’s all encompassing! my license plate actually says “fitlife” and i often wonder if people think it’s just about fitness. if you know me, you know i LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE fitness. but to me, having a “fit life” is not just about having fitness in your life! while i think fitness can TRULY change your life….because it’s changed mine and so many others around me…..to me, the definition of a fit life is having a FIT MIND by putting God first and deciding that you are enuf JUST the way you are! because you can do.all.the.things. but if you’re not going to God first (yes, my opinion of course but this is my blog and if you’re gonna be here you’re going to have to read about my faith 🙂 ) dealing with the shit in your mind and forgiving yourself and giving yourself some grace, none of the other stuff you’re trying to do will matter. you will never have a truly fit life OR body. not focusing on your inside first will leave you feeling empty and chasing the next best thing and even if you should somehow get that fit body you’ve been dreaming of, you won’t keep it because you’ll quickly find that’s not what can make you happy and fulfilled!

(ha, yes, i can only assume this is poking a little fun at Rachel Hollis and what she writes about in her book Girl Wash Your Face. but the thing is, this is so right and so is Rachel. ‘cuz yeah she talks a LOT about how WE as strong, powerful women need to do all.the.things that would make us the best versions of ourselves and how WE need to hustle for our dreams and how WE need to start telling ourselves the truth about our lives and who we are instead of staying stuck in the lies we often tell ourselves. but if you read the book or listen to her, she’s not trying to say that there isn’t a Higher Force at play….so what i think she’s trying to say and what i believe is that WE = you+God and me+God. and until you or i make the decision to put Him first and ourselves second and everyone and everything else third and on lol, there is no WE and nothing will work. and y’all we can still read the Bible and read Girl Wash Your Face and get something out of it. Let’s stop taking everything so seriously alllllllllllllllllll the time. it doesn’t have to be all or nothing! i’m a Jesus girl but obvi i still swear a little and jen hatmaker has the occasional glass of wine and i think we should share our ministry however that looks like for YOU…..because i believe we all have a ministry and i truly believe God brings purpose into people’s lives…just like Rachel’s and Jen’s and Lysa Terkeurst’s and Michelle Obama’s and little ol’ me…so that we can all share SOMETHING that just MAYBE will open your heart.

if you’ve reached the end of this, thank you for coming back and reading. thank you for all your support….whoever and wherever you are. and, if you’re a family member or a friend or a client or coach of mine, know that i truly am sorry for being so absent in your life. i know you trusted me to be there for you and i just wasn’t. but please know that it was nothing about you and everything with me. and i’m doing everything in my power to be back in a place where i can truly serve others. i’m gonna blog more about this but i’m doing something called the “Mindset Reset” with Mel Robbins and one of the most powerful things she challenged us on getting real about was what our biggest limiting belief is. ‘cuz she said that until you get real with yourself about what’s really holding you back, you will never find true peace in your life and you will never achieve all your goals and dreams.

my biggest limiting belief is that i’m not enuf.

and it’s not even that i think i’m not GOOD enuf.

i simply think i’m not enuf….in anything.

that nothing i ever do is enuf.

just like the song Never Enough in the Greatest Showman (ANOTHER GREAT movie btw and YES i cried the first time and still the THIRD time i saw it!) and while the song is about achieving all your dreams but that it doesn’t matter if it’s without the love of your life by your side, it was powerful to me because of that feeling i have had that not only was i not enuf, but that i just had to keep chasing the next best thing…and that i could to do it all on my own….and that i didn’t see all that i had right in front of me….and that i needed something i didn’t already have to be truly happy….

ya know what i found?

i am in fact enuf. (as are you btw!)

one of my life coaches said it best when he said that if we don’t think we’re enuf and we don’t think we’re worthy of the dreams that we have, we sure as hell won’t put in the hard work to make them happen! #micdrop right?! read that again! if you don’t think you deserve success, if you don’t think you have anything to offer someone else, if you don’t think you’re worthy, and if you don’t have the right values, chances are you also don’t think putting in the time it will take to get there matters or is worth it because you’ve already convinced yourself you’ll never have it in the end anyway.

y’all, I didn’t think i was enuf OR worthy….and to be honest, my values were not right with God. once I found all that, I realized that not only can i NOT do this on my own, i don’t even want to try anymore! i need God, i need my hubby, my daughter, my family, my friends, and my fit community! and it’s gonna take more work to really FEEL that way all.of.the.time but i do know that i am now (again, we all are! as long as you’re a decent human being anyway lol). i didn’t need to make my life harder trying to be perfect and being all the things and to keep chasing some illusive thing or sense of being to know that i am in fact enuf……….because i already have everything i need above and around and inside of me.

anyhoo, so much for the short version but if you’ve been here before maybe you knew better lol! i’m back! i’m still regaining my health! and 2019 is going to be the best.year.yet. because i’m going to make it so!

and Katie, if you’re reading this (and hopefully you are ‘cuz you asked and i’m sending this to you personally lol) thank you SO MUCH for pushing me to write again….i’m sure you had no idea it was just what i needed but it WAS…..JUST WHAT I NEEDED! and what you shared with me has inspired me more than you know and i’m so proud of you!

he would have given the coat off his back to give someone else warmth.

and at some point along the way in those 20 years, he ended up in so much pain that he decided there was no other way out.

i have no idea how long he had been fighting for his life before that night.

i have made myself sick wondering.

i have also, along with so many in my family, wondered if there were signs and what i missed and what i could have done differently so that he wouldn’t have made the choice to leave us.

so. much. guilt.

and confusion.

and tremendous grief.

even now, 19 years later.

my sister shared a blog post this week that i want to also share with you because it was so powerful. it was published on the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website. so many things stuck out to me in the writer’s words but the most powerful words for those trying to heal after losing someone to suicide is “Neither grief nor acceptance has a deadline.”

gosh, losing a loved one to ANYTHING is a tragedy. and you grieve and if you’re the believing kind, you ask God why, and yes, there is never a deadline for the healing process.

the hard part about trying to navigate life after losing a loved one to suicide is that of course you have to grieve the loss, but you also somehow have to not blame yourself and get through the questions from others and find some sort of acceptance of what happened or you will slowly die on the inside. you will die a little every time you ask yourself what you did to make them leave. you will die a little every time you think about the last time you saw them….but even more….what you DIDN’T see that very last time. you will die a little inside trying to go back to that moment to make it last a little longer….to do whatever you possibly could to change it. you will die a little every time you blame God or anyone else for them being gone.

i grieved.

i blamed myself.

i blamed God.

i blamed others.

and for someone who already had a history of anxiety & depression, it would become a long, hard battle back to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my brother and i were a lot alike.

we were the people pleasers.
we worried about what others thought.
we would spend every penny we had on having fun and giving to others.
we were actually both TERRIBLE with money 😉
we were sensitive souls.
we analyzed everything until we were suffocated by it.
we did things to just “fit in.”
we didn’t forgive easily but we pretended everything was fine.
we questioned things we said or did LONG after the fact.
and what i didn’t know back then was that we both had a lot of hidden pain we had no idea what to do with.

the rate of suicide is at an all-time high. in the short time since i started writing this post, i know of two more people the world has lost.

heart. breaking.

my heart breaks for young kids taking their own lives because of bullying or feeling alone and lost in this big world….and celebrities in the news like Robin Williams, Mindy McReady, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.

suicide does not discriminate. depression does not discriminate.

celebrities are not more important than anyone else. it’s just we hear about them more. people talk about how successful they were and seem mystified as to why wealthy, successful people would make this choice. as if somehow fame, success and money equal happiness and protected them from darkness.

and young children who feel like they have nowhere else to turn?

it’s absolutely heart-breaking that suicide and depression do not discriminate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i have felt first-hand the strong-hold of depression.

i have seen people on social media talk about how if you are feeling alone and desperate and at the end of your rope you must reach out….and i have seen others talk about how you need to be more aware of those around you and look for the signs and do and be more for those you think need it.

YES, i do believe all those things….i have maybe even said or thought the same things.

but here’s the deal.

when depression has it’s grips on you…..when you are so far down you can not see any light…..when you feel so badly about yourself that you shut everyone out and end up feeling utterly alone….the last thing you can find is the strength to reach out. if it were different, none of us would be talking about this.

and while i completely agree that we need to be more mindful and watch those around us for signs someone needs help, i think more importantly you just need to treat EVERYONE as if they do…..for everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

depression is sneaky.

i had no idea my brother was as lost as he was.

i would venture to say even some of the people closest to me didn’t know the extent of my brokenness.

depression is sneaky.

i am not sure even my brother knew how lost he was and i think it was simply a few extra moments in time of feeling as helpless and hopeless as he had ever felt to make it all go away in an instant.

i am not sure even i knew how deep of a hole my depression had taken me down. it’s easy to see it now. i am certain it was not then.

and while i have never taken steps to end my life, i realized something the last time i filled out the questionnaire at the dr’s office of just how bad my depression was. there is always a question asking if you have in the past or are currently having suicidal thoughts. i always answered no. but the last time, i realized i needed to be more honest with myself. i can’t tell you how many times i had thought, i could so easily pull into the other lane right now and let that semi hit me. i have thought about driving my vehicle into water. i have wished i just would not wake up. while these thoughts were always fleeting, someone not fighting a really big demon would not think these things.

i would say i am one of the lucky ones…..although i know luck has NOTHING to do it. i found my way back to God. i somehow found the strength to reach out somewhere along the line….but to paint a picture of how lost i was, i can’t even remember for sure when. i thank God i did. i thank God i found my voice and started being open and vulnerable about my pain.

it’s been a freaking hard, long road and depression still tries really hard to pull me back down from time to time….but with God’s grace, with sharing my story on social media platforms, with each therapy session, with each conversation with a trusted friend, with each Sunday in church again, with looking at my daughter while she sleeps, and with each blog post just like this, the darkness has less of a hold over me….less power over me. but i still have to say every day….not today Satan. not today.

i cry at the thought that my brother never got another chance like i did. and i have even wished it would have been me instead of him.

i know he was a fighter but he was just too tired.

but who he was in his short time here and how he did life is something to be remembered and something worth sharing with the world.

for “the days are long but the years are short.”

and the only thing left i can do for him here is this. to share God’s grace. to keep fighting. and to share our stories.

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if you are so fortunate as to not suffer from depression, i do pray that you simply make it your life’s mission to be kind to everyone.

be EXTRA kind in fact.

love harder.

listen more.

be patient.

take an extra moment with someone.

pray for others for no special reason.

it feels wreckless of me to offer advice when it comes to children, so all i will say is do everything in your power to protect, love and empower them 24/7. i don’t think anything can be too much when it comes to our kids.

but i also pray that if something this tragic has happened to you or should ever happen to you and your family that you not guilt and grieve yourself into dark places that you get stuck in for so long that you have to find superhero strength to come back from. i do not believe we will ever have answers on this side of life and you will make yourself crazy trying to find them. and trying to rush your healing is impossible.

listen to your heart. protect it. give yourself some grace and forgiveness. and grieve and accept in your own time.

and if you are someone who’s come to the end of yourself…..if you are suffering and broken and lost and feeling like there’s no other way out, i pray you find God and your faith like i did, and that you find your voice to reach out to someone you trust.

channel all the strength you have not to turn to food or alcohol or drugs or anything else. nothing external can never truly help you. those things will help you HIDE….and hide very temporarily….from your reality and that. is. all. ….and they will end up stealing much more from you than any peace you convinced yourself they give.

turn to God.

believe me, i know how impossible it sounds to be able to do that. for some, it will take every bit of strength you have left. but rest assured, you are not alone….feeling lost and desperate for an escape doesn’t make you less of a person, it makes you human….know that there is help and a way back….if you can somehow just take ONE small step back to life. because you are loved beyond your belief of it. because you are a fighter! because you have another chance…if you take it.

let go of yourself and let God in. “bring your sorrows and trade them for joy…from the ashes a new life is born…”

Are you hurting and broken within?
Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin?
Jesus is calling
Have you come to the end of yourself
Do you thirst for a drink from the well?
Jesus is calling

O come to the altar
The Father’s arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

Leave behind your regrets and mistakes
Come today there’s no reason to wait
Jesus is calling
Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy
From the ashes a new life is born
Jesus is calling

O come to the altar
The Father’s arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

O come to the altar
The Father’s arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

Oh what a savior
Isn’t He wonderful?
Sing hallelujah…

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

it’s been so long since i’ve blogged that i kinda feel like i need to re-introduce myself 😉

hey, y’all!

my name is Dina (pronounced DeeNah) and this is a little about me #thisisme

i’m a Jesus girl but I do cuss a little
my parents divorced when i was 2 and afterward i was blessed with a big extended family full of moms, dads, aunts, uncles, cousins & grandparents
i’m a wifey of 14 years to my hubby Daryn (we met when I was 19….I’m now 43….and we’re STILL trying to figure eachother out lol)

i’m a mommy to Brooklyn who is officially a 3rd grader #slowdown(she has lots of nicknames ~ B, Brookers, Brooky, Brook…i don’t think she’s quite decided which one is more her yet ~ i personally just like to call her Brooklyn like we named her lol but on social media i often refer to her as “B”….’cuz you know it’s hard to type the rest of the letters ;0)

i’m operations assistant at a communication services company in small town ND by day….
and a virtual health & fitness coach and writer by the cracks of free time in my days and nights
i’m obsessed about helping women get fit, healthy & make part-time incomes while learning to love & honor themselves first #mytribe

i’ve been blogging for more than 4 years now….and i recently started writing a book about my life and overcoming
i love coffee
i’m a recovering binge-drinker, food addict & emotional- & binge-eater
i’m a spender but am fighting really hard to change my relationship with money ~ Daryn is the saver. (if you’re in a relationship, are you the spender or saver?? leave me a comment! i’m curious to know!! because as we’ve learned in our journey, most couples are one of each 🙂 and not-so-surprisingly you need a bit of both to be responsible yet still have some fun!)
i struggle with anxiety & depression
i LOVE fitness
i’m passionate about nutrition but i have so so much i’m still overcoming
i love golf, napping, camping, Grey’s, Friends, Nashville, Scandal & REALITY TV (especially RHOC & The Bachelor & Bachelorette), pizza, pb, coffee, beer, sushi & popcorn

i love dogs!! and i do feel really bad ‘cuz if you follow me i’m guessing you know about our little yorkie! her name is Bella….total puppy. total handful. just got back from doggy school….and now the dog trainers are training the humans lol! but i feel bad ‘cuz i hardly ever talk about my first loves…. our 2 black labs! we have had 2 now and still have our Chuck. his mom, Sammy, died not long after a litter of 10 pups. we hadn’t planned on breading her and we never knew who the “dad” was (sneaky little thing got into her pen somehow!) but he definitely was a lab ‘cuz check out the pics of the pups she had. i literally cried and cried and cried every time we found a home for one of the pups. of course there was no way we could ever keep all of them. and 2 died very early on….we would learn that it’s the law of nature that some won’t make it if the litter is too large ‘cuz mom just can’t take care of too many. UGH, one saddest things ever tho!! 🙁 and yes, of course i was so happy each went to good homes but wow, it was heart-breaking to say the least to say goodbye! my step-dad took one of the female black labs, so we still get to see her from time to time. her name is Dolly 🙂 and one of Daryn’s good friends took one of the yellow/gold ones, so we get to see him, too. his name is Jake 🙂

i mean, can you even?! and that precious chocolate lab had blue eyes! i die! he went first. and, daryn said we weren’t keeping any. but i was determined! and when the last one was left….a black male with tan markings on his legs, i knew i had to have him. it made me so sad no one wanted him and he was the most unique. so daryn finally agreed! and i think we were both so glad he did when we learned Sammy had cancer not too long after. that, too, was a sad sad day.

but yes, i do feel bad ‘cuz i don’t talk about Chuck and post pictures of him nearly enuf 🙂 he’s kinda like Daryn’s dog but of course B & i love him just the same. just love the ones of him and Sammy together 🙂 anyhoo, there’s your cuteness fix for the day 😉

i’m overcoming a need to please & fear of what people think of me
i love to travel and absolutely LOVE water & swimming….the ocean….the sand….pools, anything sun, fun & warm!
i go to therapy as needed
i’m a “flexitarian” in that i don’t NOT eat meat but i don’t always like it and eat a lot of vegetarian, “plant-based” foods & meals
i like to make people laugh & smile
i like to change my hair….a lot
i love all things fashion, hair, makeup & especially lipgloss
i love sephora & ulta
i love graphic t’s & fun workout gear!
i love target, old navy, urban outfitters AND all things jane.com
i have a very dry sense of humor & love movies like Airplane, Naked Gun & Dumb & Dumber 😉
i also love chick flicks like I Can Only Imagine, Sweet Home Alabama, Steel Magnolias, Clueless, the Pitch Perfects, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days & anything Nicholas Sparks 😉
i love to read
i love hot baths
i love all things PINK & glittery & sparkly #ifitspinkANDsparklyineedit
i have misophonia ~ i’ll save time & let you google it. it’s real y’all. and it’s a pain in the ass.
i’m an outgoing introvert….meaning, i LOVE to be social and have fun and meet new people BUT when i’m done being around people, i’m done….out. i recharge when i’m by myself and my ideal social settings are with a few select people who let me talk sometimes & make me laugh (so the introvert in me is quiet….but i don’t think of myself as shy. i’m just by nature one who loves to listen more than i do talk….HOWEVER, i really respect people who see that in me and let me get a word in edgewise and in TURN really listen to me 🙂
i have one tattoo that has meaning to me and want 2 more. it was inspired by another coach at our annual conference in Indy in June. i’d actually had the tattoo saved on Pinterest for a while but i just hadn’t found the right time to do it. the coach was talking about life and our journeys and how hard it can all be. and she said how it’s okay to not have it all figured out but what we DO need to do is keep going….but instead of “faking it until making it”, she said “FAITH it til you make it.” Ummmmm, yes, it’s become a motto for me know and i have a reminder of it every day 🙂 (i know this won’t be popular with some of you but #thisisme ~ for the first time in my life, i’m doing things that speak to me and not hiding behind my fear of what people will think. and, i just want to say that I was a bit spiritually conflicted about it but i just love this pastor and a few other influencers who just made me feel like it’s okay. **on a side note, take the time to watch this! it’s sooooo good! Pastor Nadia is so #onpoint about us being connected…..CHAINED….to our mistreatment sometimes. it’s not a good place to be! AND, pay special attention to what she says about forgiveness!! forgiveness is about US and is for US, not about who we’re choosing to forgive….not for them….but absolutely necessary in order for us to to let go….to break the chains and be free from it. “forgiveness is about being a freedom-fighter. and free people are dangerous people. free people aren’t controlled by the past. free people laugh more than others. free people see beauty where others do not. free people do not easily get offended. free people are unafraid to speak truth to stupid…..) i don’t know about you but i want to be a FREEDOM-FIGHTER! i don’t want to be controlled by the past! i want to laugh more! i want to see the beauty in all things! i don’t want to get offended right & left! and i definitely don’t ever want to be too afraid to speak my truth again!…because all of the lies i told myself were VERY FREAKING stupid.

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and in honor of September being Suicide Awareness month, i want to share that i lost my only brother to suicide. i don’t talk about it enough and in light of how many people the world is losing to suicide and for those who are truly fighting for their lives and who feel lost and alone and like there’s no other way out, i want to talk about him more. i will have another blog post before the end of the month to share more. i’ve blogged about him before ~ you can read it here but i just have some things to share from the outside looking in….

there is NO easy transition after that…but i wanted you to know this part of my & my family’s story if you didn’t already and i would love if you come back for the post.

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ok, now that y’all know or remember who i am……here are some life updates!

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the last time we talked ;), i was giving up on a goal to compete in a bikini competition.
but i traded that bikini for MY BEST YES & a BEAUTIFUL blush dress for a vow renewal!(btw, the renewal is still on…..however, since I made that goal of fitting into the dress I wanted,
we decide to build a house! & all our energy and finances are going towards that so….
it will likely be something very simple but somewhere we both love. SAVE THE DATE for June 29th, 2019!
yes, you can click the links above to read about it 🙂 seems like SO long ago i wrote that!
did i say i missed bloggin?!)

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if you missed it or are new here, i had some health issues in the past 3 years and i’m still working thru them….and it’s part of the reason i haven’t been blogging as much anymore (but i DO miss it!). i’ll have a separate blog post with more info on where i’m at ‘cuz i’ve been getting questions here & there from women who’ve come across my story at some point and are having similar issues. stay tuned because i promise you there’s hope…and it’s maybe not all what you think!

i knew getting better was going to be a long road….at least that’s what my doctors were telling me and what i was finding in my own research….but i’m not sure i knew that meant a year….more than a year….after having more of a handle on what’s going on….but as my last specialist said, this is a marathon and not a sprint….there are a lot of moving parts.

the not-as-short-as-i-intended version for now is that late last year, i was officially diagnosed with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). it’s not life-threatening or serious….but i can tell you it’s ridiculously annoying. and i would find thru my trying to get to the bottom of the rest of my health issues, that people with IBS can’t absorb nutrients like normal people. so, i found myself with iron deficiency anemia and with very low vitamin D (ha, isn’t everyone in the north deficient in this?? so when you live somewhere that people tend to be deficient AND you have an underlying issue, it can leave you feeling seriously BLAH) and B12 levels. basically, i was really tired most of the time, among other things. this is proving to be a tough one to work thru. i joke about being a nap queen but dang do i LOVE my naps this past year lol. (i love the meme that says i wish i were a kid again so i could nap and everyone would just be proud of me! ha)

and then i have a PCOS-like metabolism, likely estrogen dominance (this one is fascinating…i never knew there are 2 kinds of estrogen in the female body…a “good” and a “bad”….so i likely have too much of the bad, not enough of the good and then my progesterone isn’t where it should be either ~ yes my dr is speculating on this so far….i’m possibly going to have advanced hormone testing done but that ish is EXPENSIVE so trying to decide if we just treat it as what we think it is) which has also resulted in chronic cystic acne, hair loss where i DON’T want it and extra hair where i DON’T want it lol, blurred vision, weight loss resistance and more. (FUN STUFF I TELL YA…i’m sure a lot of you women out there feel me on hormonal issues. gosh, don’t we do enuf that our bodies could just give us a break?…) ~

anyhoo, i’m working on a separate blog post about things that have helped me work thru the issues. (i’ve even learned that gut health plays a HUGE role in our mental and physical well-being. i’ll have more in the other post and not to get to “sciency” on y’all just yet but i wanna make a quick note that 90% of the “happy chemical” in our bodies, serotonin, is produced in our gut! and altered levels result in anxiety & depression, IBS, cardiovascular disease and even osteoporosis. so as my family dr said, there is a brain-to-gut connection in our bodies and until we get our gut health figured out, the IBS flares more and other physical and mental issues manifest. i should’ve went into medicine because i find ALLLLL of this so fascinating….in case you can’t already tell!). so, if you’re struggling with anything above, stay tuned….maybe more of what i’m learning will help and again you may be surprised at some of the things that have been helping me (part of the secret is there is no secret….which i’m eluding to if you keep reading and also come back for the next post….no medication, no new dr…but something that’s really helping)!

we’re not meant to feel like crap every day my friends!…..(ha that probably went without saying 😉 )

so, needless to say, my health & fitness journey has been a rough ride these past 3+ years but i do feel like we’re on the right path to recovery. HONESTLY, i’m confident that i’m on a path to feel better than i EVER have in my life. 🙂

but here are also some of my truths about it all……

my struggle in the last several years has been equal parts my health, overcoming my past & eating & drinking like it’s my last day on earth.

i joke about the last part but it’s so not funny.

i do, in fact, have something physically wrong with me. my body is fighting me and has been for a long time now (also words from one of my dr’s).

but i was also….and still revert into….making some really bad choices for my health.

and i wasn’t leaning into God for help.

YES exercise truly has been my saving grace. and it’s one thing that i actually am really good at and want to do for the most part. (oh, AND my superfood shake that helps me get those nutrients i’m lacking in otherwise it would be really scary to see my levels.) but while working out helps ALL of the conditions above, helps me manage my depression & anxiety, and just makes me FEEL better, some days i just have had to learn to listen to my body. intense workouts are often very counter-productive when your body is fighting hard to balance itself out. so, some days i feel GREAT and working out is awesome! other days i knew i had it in me and just had to push my limits. and other days, i rested or just went for long walks.

but often on those rest days, since it meant i felt like crap, what also tends to fall off is my nutrition. all i want is sugar and caffeine and comfort food. and then i don’t feel good for several days after that because my body is full of CRAP. so it’s been such a vicious cycle. and for most of the summer, i chose memories over macros (i mean, seriously, i tried to go to Disney while being very strict with my nutrition and workout regime….it just didn’t make it work. could i have? yes. but i didn’t and i had to own that choice later!)….which is fine and i think we should let ourselves enjoy life. HOWEVER, make sure you don’t give up on your long-term goals in order to do that.

but one thing i try to do is to look for the siler living in what i’m going thru.

i ask myself, what is God trying to help me find?

and i take ownership.

i can tell you those are two things i NEVER did before.

the silver lining:
going thru this has made me dig even deeper to find out who i really was when i hated myself and my body so badly, who i really am now, who God wants me to be, how i can take better care of my body, and to love myself no matter the size of my clothes or the number on the scale.

taking ownership:
leaning in when i feel the crummiest….eating right even on the days i don’t FEEL like it…knowing that it will be make feel better instead of worse….pushing myself to exercise when i know i can but i’m trying to give myself an out….LISTENING to my dr’s….and more prayer and belief for getting thru this.

when we’re struggling, i think it’s really easy to get in our heads and dig ourselves into deeper holes than we’re already in.

it’s human nature to ask why me & what else can go wrong?

but in addition to finding my worth, a worth that is in no way tied to appearance, i found even more important truths.

healing is already ours. Jesus gave us that. and while it’s hard and messy and obviously you see it not work time and time again, i’m here to tell you what we focus on grows. and for the longest time, i forgot the most important thing of all and that was going to God for help. i’m learning to not only ask to feel better but to believe i already do. i’m learning to lean in because it’s my tendency to get further from Him when i’m hurting. i get in my head and think that He’s trying to punish me for all my mistakes. (that’s not who He is.) and instead of asking how many more times can i fall, i started realizing that it doesn’t matter….life is going to keep knocking me and those around me down….it only matters that we keep getting back up.

now, i may be talking a lot about my health in this post and maybe you’re thinking it’s a bit dramatic for what i’ve shared but what i’ve also realized is that the pain and loss i’ve experience in my life manifested in many ways….and one of those things has been my health….both physically but maybe more importantly MENTALLY. i’m confident that i had taken better care of my well-being and my body thru my young adult years….and had i actually turned TO God instead of away and faced my grief and self-hate head-on instead of self-medicating with food and booze and shopping, things would be a lot different for me now.

if i would’ve known how to lean in instead of retreat…time and time again….if i could be even better about leaning in NOW….things would be different….things can be different.

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whatever you’re going thru my friends, LEAN IN. whether it’s the loss of a loved one or your health or a toxic relationship you’re in or coming out of or an addiction or thinking you’re not worthy of happiness or that you’re being punished…..LEAN IN. don’t retreat. keep the FAITH. when “you fall down and lose your spark,” let yourself FEEL the pain of it…let yourself be SAD….just don’t stay there….pray about it…..find a good therapist….don’t do what i’ve done and self-medicate with food or alcohol or spending to push it away ‘cuz it’s still gonna be there, it will only grow and it will come back with a vengeance if you never actually deal with it…if you don’t work thru it…..SO DEAL….LEAN INTO IT…. give yourself some grace and time to heal….and THEN…..“just make sure that when you get back up, you rise as the whole damn fire.”#faithittilyoumakeit

this is the whole quote for you from above ~ it’s my fave right now! AND, for good measure, also dropping my fave worship song & the lyrics below 🙂

it’s ok if you fall down
and lose your spark.

just make sure that
when you get back up,
you rise as the
whole damn fire.

~Colette Werden

Are you hurting and broken within?
Overwhelmed by the weight of your sin?
Jesus is calling
Have you come to the end of yourself
Do you thirst for a drink from the well?
Jesus is calling

O come to the altar
The Father’s arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

Leave behind your regrets and mistakes
Come today there’s no reason to wait
Jesus is calling
Bring your sorrows and trade them for joy
From the ashes a new life is born
Jesus is calling

O come to the altar
The Father’s arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

O come to the altar
The Father’s arms are open wide
Forgiveness was bought with
The precious blood of Jesus Christ

Oh what a savior
Isn’t He wonderful?
Sing hallelujah

i’ve maybe used this line before but i’ve been busy napping & eating & stuff like that 😉 i’m good at multi-tasking (seriously, this is NOT something anyone should strive to be good at it…it’s not good for our brains y’all! so stop it! #psa) BUT it’s hard to blog when you’re sleeping. (i’m kinda kidding ‘cuz i don’t get as much sleep as i should! if you get 8 to 9 hours of sleep a night and you have at least one kiddo and one housepet, friend i wanna chat with you and find out how. even my hubby said the other morning, “Geez, every night is a shit show.” ha. #ittotallyis. between the 2 of us being light sleepers and both with snoring problems, a 7yo who rarely sleeps thru the night AND a puppy who would rather chew our ears and lay on our heads than sleep……well #shitshow. p.s. have y’all seen our 7yo (almost 8yo) & puppy tho?? i mean they’re really cute so who could be mad about it.)

ok, i’m back.

so, i thought i would share a part of where i’m at in my weight loss journey! last July, I recommitted to a new old goal i had of competing in a fitness competition in a BIKINI! eeeeek. yes.

i was seriously inspired by a couple coaches on my team who absolutely ROCKED something called the Beachbody Classic at our annual coach conference. i’ve wanted to compete it in for a few years now and while it’s not a typical competition in that it’s free to enter and a lot of people simply join because of their transformations and it’s not required to have a bikini-competitor physique, it’s still a BIG FREAKING deal!

here are the rockstars who inspired me to set the goal again! meet my friends Stacy & Kyra! i mean HOTTIES, right?!?! (they are beautiful on the inside, too, btw!)

but something happened in December and while my weight was going down (yay me!)….ha, yep, even during the holidays….i was starting to lose a little of my drive and fire to compete.

so for the past two months, i’ve been praying a lot about it and trying to figure out if i was losing interest in it because of FEAR or something else.

and, what did i discover you ask? well, even if you didn’t ask, i’m gonna have to tell ya anyway. 😉

truth is……heck yes i am freaking scared!! i’d be lying if i said i wasn’t.

but, i’m not as afraid of the dang bikini (i mean, i’ve shared pics of me in that thing countless times for the world to see).

i AM afraid of that stage (this introvert does NOT like being the center of attention….even for a minute). i AM afraid of posing (ha it just feels like it’s SO not me!!). i AM afraid of walking in heels lol (seriously, i look like a duck walking or like a really drunk girl). i AM afraid of what i’m gonna miss out on of the rest of my Summit experience if i do this (i’ve always had a problem with #fomo!!!! i would have to sacrifice a lot of time with my team and a lot of the other events and activities if i do this). i AM afraid that i’m just NOW coming into my own with my nutrition and that there just isn’t enuf time (now, again, The Classic is for anyone! Anyone proud of their transformation!). i AM afraid of the financial cost and the stress of needing to feel like i need to be perfect in my methods right now. AND, i AM afraid of becoming obsessed about food and the scale again. i’ve fought really hard to let go of both and the past month i’ve been borderline obsessive….maybe even past borderline if i wanna get really honest with myself. (I started this post about a month ago lol and am JUST finishing it now….so I’m coming back out of the obsessiveness somewhat but still struggling tbh.)

BUT, even given all that, i feel like my heart is telling me this just isn’t a big picture “bucket list” thing to me anymore.

i feel like God has been trying to tell me there’s something BIGGER & BETTER to focus my time, energy and even my finances on….(actually there are a FEW something(s) )

some “things” TRULY worth fighting for….

(and not that competing in a competition like this isn’t worth fighting for!!! i’m not saying that AT ALL ‘cuz it takes a LOT of fight to do something like that!!!)

but maybe something that’s worth more of MY fight right now…

and something that’s a bigger a part of my why and my purpose and what REALLY matters to me.

i don’t think standing on a stage in a bikini is going to fulfill me like what i’m turning my energy and passion towards…..

i decided that i HAVE to focus on my relationship with food again. i come so far in this journey and do really well for a period of time and then i tend to try put myself back in a box of what I should be doing before i know it, i find myself reverting. that’s what happened a month ago and thank goodness i can recognize it for what it is now. before, i could have easily gotten lost in it for months….a year even….i’ll be sharing more about what i’m doing right now in a separate post 🙂

so, i started going back to therapy twice a month and we’re specifically focusing on my relationship with food this time and using a technique called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). You can read more about it HERE. I first learned about it from one of my fave trainers and mentors, Chalene Johnson (creator of TurboFire & PiYo!). She has used it as a way to heal and help her brain work thru places where it’s stuck. It’s really fascinating to me. We could end up somewhere really far away from FOOD thru this process. And, I’ve always said that it’s probably never been about FOOD….it’s about something else that’s happened over the course of my life and I’m super excited to unlock it once and for all so that I don’t have to REVERT ever again.

AND, on another exciting note, there is another thing i’ve started to work for and focus my time and energy on!…..

my hubby & i haven’t had the easiest of roads.

in fact, many couples would not would not have survived what we’ve been thru.

but, we’re still here.

we’re still fighting.

i’ll be sharing a lot more of our story on here and in my book when it finally gets written (of course with his grace to do so) because i think a lot of the resources and people who’ve helped us thru could help your relationship, too, if it’s in trouble….

okay, so, about a month ago (ha, like 2 months ago, now!!), i was laying in bed surfing Pinterest and i saw the words “vow renewal” and i lost my breath for a beat.

next year will be our 15th anniversary.

and we were together for like 9 years before that….so you can do the math lol….no really you ‘cuz i suck at math. 😉

it just really hit me that after all we’ve been thru, a VOW RENEWAL would be a HUGE CELEBRATION of it all! and something amazing for B, too!

so, of course i immediately started looking for a wedding dress and a new ring.

hey, don’t judge me. i never said i wasn’t a little superficial.

but as i was playing this EPIC event out in my mind lol, i started envisioning where i wanna do this and how much it will cost and yadda yadda. (mind you, he knew nothing about this yet lol ~ oh, yeah, honey btw….i’m planning another wedding)

so financially, i could do both. i could compete in the competition and STILL be able to do this vow renewal thing lol.

but i saw a video on YouTube by another coach who competed and she was running down JUST the cost of everything….and even tho there is no entry fee since it’s just for coaches, by the time you get a bikini wax and a fake tan and a suit and your hair done and jewelry and shoes and nails and on and on, she’s spent between $500 and $1000….not to mention the time commitment leading up to it and once you’re there.

one thing you should know about me if you haven’t already figured it out is i get like SUPER excited about things sometimes without thinking them alllllll the way thru. when i committed to this, i wasn’t thinking about the cost. and, while I could absolutely cut a lot of those things out, if i did this thing, i wouldn’t half-ass it. i’d put my whole ass into it lol. that’s just how i roll.

but the thought of spending the money and the time and the energy on it just brings me down more than it excites me now…..

and that money that i woulda spent on the competition can be used for my therapy AND saved until 2019 and used for a super cute but super casual PINK BLUSH wedding dress AND a dress for B ‘cuz seriously she is one of the most important reasons I wanna do this. she will absolutely FREAK out when we tell her about this and that she GETS to be IN THE WEDDING lol….and a venue! Whether we do this on a beach by the ocean or Vegas (seriously, already priced out the Chapel of the Flowers and I could pay for it with less money than i would spend on the competition!) or honestly maybe we’ll even just do it on a cliff overlooking Sakakawea lol.

it really doesn’t matter where….but i just decided that life is short and God and family come first. my competition was important to me….but i realized it really was only important to ME. i’m not sure it would’ve added value to my family in the season that we’re in and in the struggles i continue to fight. (ha, tbh, not only was it maybe not going to add value to my family, it was already causing stress for all of us and it was only gonna get worse…) like i said, i think i need to be really careful of how i invest my time and how i invest my mind. i think if i continued on with this competition, my on-the-edge-of-obsession would not get better. in fact, i had a really good chat with a gal i met in a Facebook group who also has issues with food and who ALSO trained for a competition. her competition coach told her that he strongly feels women with existing foods issues should not try to compete.

ok, so, here’s the deal. i don’t always follow thru with things. i get caught up in emotion and excitement and since i’m super passionate, it sometimes is to a fault. HOWEVER, i also think that’s just part of life ~ don’t we all set out for things sometimes….maybe even more than once….that just don’t work out? i think THAT’S OKAY! i think it’s OKAY to take chances. i think it’s OKAY to stretch yourself. i think it’s OKAY to shoot for the moon and land somewhere in the stars! i think it’s OKAY when things just don’t work out……because i believe God is always leading us to our BEST YES’s. the miracle could be just around the OTHER corner. the competition just wasn’t a BEST YES for me RIGHT NOW….and maybe not ever given my past. and, again, that’s OKAY. because believe me….i’m gonna keep taking chances! i’m gonna keep shooting for the moon! i’m gonna keep failing forward! i’m gonna keep listening to my heart and to what He’s trying to tell me! and i do want to thank all my clients, coaches and friends who have supported me and kept telling me i could do this thing even when i felt like i couldn’t! yes, it turns out that maybe i “can’t”….but i’m forever grateful for everyone in my corner who said i could!

(on a side note, i’ve talked about this book before but if you’re wondering what i mean by my BEST YES, you can find out by clicking HERE. it’s an amazing book ~ especially for us women who wear so many hats and are people-pleasers by nature. if you have a hard time saying no, if you are overwhelmed with your seemingly never-ending to-do list and with the demands of your life, i highly recommend this book! it may just help you find your peace and your power to say yes to the RIGHT things and NO to the wrong!)

so, there you have it. i’m trading the goal picture on my bathroom mirror of a girl in a bikini to THIS!
and i’m truly at PEACE with my decision….with my BEST YES!

i thought about simply trying to get back into my dress from our wedding day 🙂
but it’s a disaster….i hate to say i never even had it cleaned lol!
and i also want something way more casual, fun and light!
oh, and did i say it’s PINK?!? lol

but while i may not be going to WEAR it for the vow renewal, i have VOWED to get back into it!! (see what i did there?!?)

As you can see from the back view, i have a ways to go! (and this is a gut check because I called myself “fat” on my wedding day….in fact, my self-hate that day ruined a lot of my fun and it’s another reason I want a vow renewal with a me that loves herself and can just enjoy the moments….today I’m FAR from fitting into the dress I wore that day but I don’t consider myself fat! the transformation on the inside my friends!! WAY more important than the outside…) i’ve lost 15″ with the program i’m doing so i’m confident i will get there by next year at this time!!! (I’m also learning not to rush this! ha, patience is a virtue!) Stay tuned about my EMDR and my new WEDDING DRESS journey instead of my bikini journey!

Oh, and btw…..HE SAID YES!
i almost forgot to say that lol.

Hi, I’m Dina and I love allllllll things fashion! I love looking thru clothing mags, PeopleStyle is like my fave all-time mag, I LOVE when they do “Who Wore it Best” comparisons, AND I LOOOOOOOOOVE watching shows like What Not to Wear and Fashion Runway! Oh, AND, I love to find looks on Pinterest and re-create them for myself inexpensively (I totally have not had enuf time lately to do this last one but it’s soooooo fun! Here’s a look I recreated a while back with a pair of Levi’s, striped tank top on sale at JCPenney and a cheapo necklace from Old Navy!)

You’ll find out if you keep reading what inspired this blog post but one of the things I’m gonna poke a little fun at myself about is “Who Wore it Best.”But first, check these out!!!

So, seriously?!?! Who else LOVES these like I do???? Obvi some of these are just for fun but I LOVE the “real” ones where it’s like red carpet events and two or more celebrities have the same dress or outfit on lol! I could look at them for hours….but I digress. I promise I’m going somewhere with this lol.

(Have I mentioned I wanna write a book? Well, I wanna write a book. But, part of the thing that holds me back is that I’m kinda all over the place in my thoughts and my writing style….and I probably put too much together in one blog post…so I often ask myself how could I possibly put a book together and make it flow lol?!? So, just a warning that that’s totally about to happen again today! ha.)

In the past few months, I realized that I was maybe hiding behind this blog. I’ve been very vulnerable and transparent since I started this thing. But, I started to realize (after someone else suggested it was maybe happening lol) that while I was opening myself up on here, I wasn’t always doing the same on my other social media outlets….Facebook & Instagram (@fitstrongpink) specifically. I was defensive in the moment. I thought, dagnabbit, if anything, I almost think I’m TOO transparent and honest on my social media!! But, after taking a step back, I realized they were TOTALLY right.

It’s one thing for me to write whatever I want here. And, to share whatever pics I want to. It’s my blog. My personal space. A lot of people couldn’t and will never even find this “safe” little place of mine lol! And, when I share the link to it on FB, I have no doubt most people just scroll right on by and never click to actually even see what I’m sharing.

So, yes, it’s another thing for me to write and share AND include a pic just like I would in a blog post RIGHT onto social media where everyone (think ex-boyfriends!!!!!!!!!! lol) AND their DOG can easily see it.

But, to keep inline with not playing it safe anymore…..with sharing the REAL me…..in the hopes of continuing to heal through it and in the hopes of inspiring someone else out there to find their fight like I did, lately I started sharing more REAL and RAW things RIGHT on social media.

Like me in a new bikini….earlier tonight.

If you’ve followed me for a while, you know I’ve had a goal of competing in a fitness (aka a BIKINI) competition. I’ve set the goal a few times and the next competition date is in June. I have more to share on that but I’m working on a separate blog post for the rest of the story.

But, it’s scary shit!

It’s never been a goal I set just to HAVE a goal!

I truly like to set goals that scare the shit out of me!

Because I don’t think we grow when we play small.

But, it’s been a rocky competition prep road to say the least lol.

In the past year, I’ve been recovering from a crazy IUD experience (if you’re new here, you can read about it HERE). I’ve been “diagnosed” with a PCOS-like metabolism. I have a new but official diagnosis of IBS-D. And, both PCOS & IBS cause a lot of bloating and potential weight loss resistance. I’ve been prescribed about 10 different medications to help combat both conditions…..all of which have had varying degrees of side effects. AND, I’m a recovering binge-eater and battle emotional eating (EVERY FREAKING EMOTION btw ~ not just when I’m sad or stressed ~ i also celebrate and reward myself with…..you guessed it food) who honestly still fights this EVERY DAMN DAY. And, even though I’m not binging like I have in the past, I still haven’t fully overcome emotional eating. Some days I win. Some days I learn.

And, if you’ve followed me for a while, you likely know I’m a Beachbody Coach! A, currently and for most of my coaching journey, plus-size Beachbody Coach. In these past 4-1/2 years as a coach, I haven’t always been able to embrace that I’m a plus-size coach. But, in the past year of this, I’ve actually found peace with it and realized I have an awesome opportunity JUST as I am and RIGHT where I’m at.

I freaking love being a coach! For so many reasons….at the top is connecting with and helping people achieve their health & fitness goals. And, somewhere in the middle, being rewarded with ah-mazing trips. ‘cuz this girl LOVES to travel….and LOVES the water and the sun even more lol!

Soooooooo, every year, BB offers an incentive of a trip if we help enough people get started on their health & fitness journeys! So far, I was able to take my sister as my free guest to Cancun, Daryn, B & I got to go on a Caribbean cruise (B absolutely LOVED that cruise and can’t wait to go again! It really was the trip of a lifetime for us!) and in April, I get to take my bestie, Lisa, to Riviera Maya!! (My hubby is not really the lay around on a beach or by a pool type and just do nothing…..and that’s EXACTLY my plan….and the timing of this year’s trip isn’t good for him, so he opted out and told me to bring whoever I wanted! I’m just lucky Lisa pretty much loves what I love.)

THIS is where you can find us April 19th thru the 24th lol!!!
I’ve kinda already picked out my lounge chair and I will fight someone for it if I have to..

Beachbody does not guarantee any level of success or income from the TeamBeachbody Coach Opportunity.Each Coach’s income depends on his or her own efforts, diligence, and skill.

So, a few weeks ago, I decided it was time to order SWIMSUITS!!!!!!!!

Ha, probably one of those things that a lot of women dread…..trying on swimsuits….especially in the middle of winter if you live somewhere cold…like ND….where you’re all white and pasty unless you spray or fake tan or tan in tanning beds lol.

Anyhoo, I saw a SUPER cute bikini on a FB pop-up ad and it was only $30, so I ordered it and got it yesterday.

I tried it on right away and absolutely LOVE it!!

And, THEN, I shared the pic on my IG & FB stories (if you’re not following us there, you should totally come watch us do life 🙂 ) and my FB fitness page before I talked myself out of it AND to be sure that I stay in the game (‘cuz in all honesty, I was about to throw in the towel with my current fitness program last week ‘cuz it and life were getting really hard lol. I didn’t QUIT. I did change some things up, tho. #staytuned).

So, yes, I can tell you, it wasn’t an easy thing to do.

I mean, I’m not naive…..I’m 5’7″ and almost 200 lbs. and without something like a DEXA scan to tell me for sure, the last time I checked with suggested methods, I was at like 40% body fat.

So, no, I don’t have the “typical” bikini body.

But, here’s the deal…..

I need to share pics like that for me…..for accountability….’cuz I can tell you that sharing that and then thinking about me going in the opposite direction again isn’t fun and it’s serious motivation to stay in the game.

And, I also think I need to share pics like that for other women!

I want to show other women who maybe struggle that they can learn to love the skin they’re in!

I want to show other women who maybe struggle that their weight does not define them!

I want to show other women who maybe struggle that if they don’t find #selflove at EVERY size, they won’t find it at their smallest size!

I want to show other women who maybe struggle that if they wanna wear a bikini to WEAR A FUCKING BIKINI! And, ROCK THE SHIT OUT OF IT! (Yes, I’m a Jesus girl but I do swear a little.)

So, yes, I shared that pic of me….ALL OF ME….on social media for the whole world to see.

And, ya know what?

I got a lot of support and encouragement and it really made me feel like I got this thing! I really do think there is strength in numbers and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE and am so BLESSED and GRATEFUL for my followers who support me and my journey for the right reasons.

But, I also had a hater stop by on my fitness page.

And comment on my post……”Not very attractive.”

Did I mention I’m not naive and I haven’t lost my mind posting that pic??

I totally get that putting myself out there like this is opening the door to negative comments. And, I totally get that I will lose some of my followers for my openness, for my vulnerability and honestly just because of who I am. I’ve actually lost a lot followers and friends on all platforms since I started being even more real, raw and transparent. And, I’m certainly not going to call-out every hater I ever have lol….

But, you know what? While part of me can’t help but question maybe this is just too much….maybe I better dial it back in….maybe I better NOT wear a bikini anywhere except maybe my whirlpool tub….I went back to one of my fave quotes by Wayne D. Dyer….

I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not.

The truth is you will be too much for some people…..but those are not YOUR PEOPLE!

So, maybe I don’t fit society’s view of “attractive” in a bikini. I certainly didn’t meet my hater-lady’s view of it lol. And, maybe no one will vote me “who wore it best” lol (see below!)….AND, maybe linkshe.com isn’t gonna be knocking down my door to model for them…..(I did hesitate to do this ‘cuz I didn’t wanna degrade myself BUT if you don’t know me, I should tell you that I have a seriously DRY sense of humor….I could watch movies like Airplane and Naked Gun over and over….AND I love to make a little fun of myself from time to time…. ‘cuz seriously guys, if we can’t laugh at ourselves, what are we even doing here?)

But, for the first time in my life, I’m FUCKING proud of my body. I’m loving myself from the inside out. I’m stronger than I’ve ever been. And, I’m gonna FUCKING ROCK that bikini in Mexico because…..I CAN! So, you know who wore it best?!?! WE BOTH DID!!!!!!!!!! I mean, she’s hoTT…….obvi. I’m giving her SERIOUS PROPS for wearing it best!!!…..and THEN I’m gonna go right ahead and give the same props for myself.

The days are long but the years are short my friends!!!!!!!!!

WEAR THE FUCKING BIKINI ALREADY!
EAT THE FUCKING CUPCAKE!
QUIT THE JOB YOU DESPISE!
LEAVE THE TOXIC RELATIONSHIP YOU’RE IN!
STOP SETTLING FOR LESS THAN!
AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, START LOVING YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE INSTEAD OF BEING PARALYZED BY WHO YOU’RE NOT.

(p.s. If you love the suit like I do, click HERE or on the image above! They have a TON of cute suits if you don’t like this one!! I’m 195 lbs., 5’8″, a 38DD cup and I have a size large on. I’m guessing an XL would fit right now but I’m determined to make this fit better in the next 57 days before Mexico! I’ve ordered several things from LINKSHE.COM and had good luck so far and their prices are very reasonable! Shipping isn’t super fast so make sure you order long enuf in advance if you really need something by a certain date and to give yourself time to return if it doesn’t fit right! OR do what I often do and order a size up and/or down and send what doesn’t fit back!)

Sometimes i find a REALLY good title to a blog post and i think….hmmmm, that could actually just be enough said.

Buttttttttttttttttttt that’s so not my style.

Soooooo, HEY THERE Y’ALL! It’s been a while! So, settle in ‘cuz we may be here for a while lol.

My new blog is still in development and when working with my developer he said something about needing “creative space” as bloggers and how important it is to FEEL like your site is your home and your energy. I think I had lost that a little bit with this space. But, I finally decided that I need to just write and share here ‘cuz it’s all I have right now! It could honestly be another month or two until that thing is live so…..here I am finally writing!

I’ve honestly only been journaling for the past month or so and I’m excited to be back to blogging! If you didn’t catch my last posts, you can HERE & HERE & HERE.

But be sure to come back to this one and I’m really hoping that I can carve out enough time to at least post a couple times a week again 🙂

Ok, so, back in June of this year, we made a discovery with some health issues I’d been having. You can also read about THAT discovery HERE if you’re new 🙂

I knew the road to regaining my health wasn’t going to be easy.

But, I was SO excited to take control again! I had just spent the better part of 2-1/2 years feeling so out of control with my body and my emotions. I had always struggled with self-confidence and self-love and I’ve always been emotional (I just hid it better when I was younger lol), but this time in my life felt like the hardest it had been since losing my brother….except I had no answers as to why.

There was no tragedy. There were no known illnesses. And, for a long time in there, I’m not even sure I recognized just how bad it all was!

So, while these past 6 months haven’t been easy, it was a road I had to go down and it’s honestly seemed like a piece of cake compared to what had been happening for so long….. AND, as my usual, I’ve learned so so much about myself and life and grown threw it all!

I put my trust back into my doctors. While I do still believe we have to do our due diligence when it comes to our bodies, I knew I was in a place to at least try what they were suggesting.

So, this has meant, going on the Pill to help my body regulate itself and help with the PCOS-like metabolism I found myself with…..to going back off because I tried to take things into my own hands again and wanted to be “hormone free”…..to going back on again lol. Now, this is just my story, but I will say that I really wanted to be hormone free! So, if you are, I’m very happy for you! And, there are times now that I’m back on that I do worry what it’s doing to me. But, I also know how my body feels with & without it and I made the decision to stay on because I feel so much better and more stable on it.

I’ve had more bloodtests and ultimately a colonoscopy to find out what’s going on with my tummy troubles. They were so much better once the Mirena was gone….but they were there before it….most of my life….and they continued to be after it was gone. The good news is, the colonoscopy ruled out anything “structural”….which is great because that means I don’t have colitis or cancer or Chron’s or anything like that. (And, here’s my PSA on colonoscopies….don’t not get one because you’re scared or stubborn. They are a piece of cake compared to feeling like crap or letting something go undetected!! I was terrified of the process for no reason 🙂 )

My official diagnosis is IBS-D (irritable bowel syndrome with diarrhea). Ha, yep, fun stuff. If you’re new, yes, we do talk about poop around here. I’ve thought for a long time this is what I had and several previous doctors were assuming this as well, but there was never an “official” diagnosis until now! Ha, some 30 years later. I was referred to my family dr. And, he wanted to start attacking this by putting me on low-dose Paxil, an anti-depressant. Through this whole thing, I’d been pretty adamant about not wanting to be on antidepressants. Not because I believe they aren’t necessary in certain cases….but again, because of personal choice and in my case. But, he explained that our approach isn’t really a therapeutic dose for depression but it can be beneficial for IBS patients for pain and diarrhea. And, guess what!?! I haven’t had a lot of pain since I started!! I do still have issues on the other side of it but not nearly as often or life-limiting…..but not having the chronic pain and discomfort has been a BLESSING. I’m not eliminating any foods at this point. I’m eating gluten and dairy and having a few drinks here and there. I limit red meat and am focusing on fiber with fruits & veggies. And, while all this might change as I learn more about what’s working and what isn’t and how I can feel my absolute best, I’m doing really well for the first time in a long time!! The scale is going down! My bloating continues to be much improved….as long as I don’t eat fast food or overeat in general. My acne is under control again (yeah, I’m giving the Pill some credit for that and also focusing on clean nutrition). And, I just feel emotionally HEALTHY! I mean, as I’ve said before, I’m always gonna be a certain level of batshit crazy….but at least I feel like I have some control over my emotions and response to life in general now.

Ok, so enough of the boring details about the HOW I’ve been recovering.

And, onto the only YOU decide what breaks you part…..

I’ve talked a lot about my health and my weight and my struggles on this blog.

And, we ALL have our own SHIT, right?!?

Well, all of this just about broke me…..and everything that matters.

I’ve touched on all these things a little before but now that I’m ALMOST on the other side of it all, I can see more clearly just how close I was to losing much of it…..

I was not the wife I wanted to be. In fact, I just about lost my marriage and the tough part of us finding each other is far from over. I’ll be unpacking this part of the story more…and yes, it will be with my hubby’s approval of course…..but, I think this is such an important part of my story to share because……well, because marriage is hard as shit!!! Crazy-ass-wife aside, marriage is freaking hard! It’s not a 50/50 thing. It’s a 100/100 thing! And, Satan is constantly going to be attacking your marriage because that’s the way he breaks apart families. You have to know how to fight! I’m of the belief you have to know how to use God to FIGHT or he WILL outsmart you. He just about did me….and he continues to try on the daily lol but he’s getting far less effective. So, I want to share with y’all some of the things that have been pulling us through the storm. Even if you don’t need them when you read them as the story unfolds, I think often of the saying that everyone is either coming through a storm, in the midst of one or headed into one…..so, maybe you can save it for later 😉

I was not the mom I wanted to be and I’ve been working REALLY hard to let go of the guilt. If you read the post about our not-so-little-journey, you know I already had a lot of mom guilt from when she was born, so this recent season in our lives has been another challenge to overcome. And, our marriage was not a picture of what I want her to see and learn from. But, as with anything as a parent, you do the BEST you can with what you have any given day. I’m giving myself some grace and working hard to make sure I don’t have to feel like that again with her. And, she’s turning out really quite well despite me lol.

I was not the friend I wanted to be and was not there like I wanted to be for the rest of my family. I’ve had friendships that were on the edge of failing but I’ve learned that the ones who really love you will give you some grace and a second (or third lol) chance. And, nothing I ever did….or didn’t do….was to intentionally hurt anyone and again the people who really love you will know that about you. I think just as being a parent, you do the best you can with what you have any given day. And, other friendships I’ve had to let go of. It took a lot of getting real with myself to see what really served me, and while it hasn’t been easy, finding true peace and freedom rarely is.

I was far from the coach I wanted to be. I was scattered and disorganized and not sure how to help people. I would get really excited when I was feeling well and I would show up but I recognize that I lost a lot of trust with my clients because I had a hard time staying in the game FOR THEM. And, I’m working really hard to try to regain that trust and get those relationships back. I’m not sure I deserve it and it may be too late for some, but I want to be there the best I can, I WILL BE BETTER and I’m not going anywhere! I’m in this for life!

I was far from the leader I wanted to be. And, this was a hard one for me to understand, but I was at a John Maxwell conference a few months ago and it was said that you can’t lead others until you’re leading yourself. Wow, truth moment! I hadn’t been leading myself for quite some time. I’m back to leading myself ~ with the help of some freaking ah-mazing people in my life and the Man upstairs. I’m back to working on how to find what my team needs. And, I’m realizing that they don’t need me to be an expert in anything and they don’t need me to be perfect. They just need me to show the F up and support them and provide them accountability and LOVE.

And, I was far from the person and the Christian I wanted to be. I felt really sorry for myself. I didn’t pray for healing as much as I needed to. In fact, I asked God why…why me more times than I care to admit. I said how many times can I get knocked down more times than I care to admit. I found that stupid victim mentality I had fought so hard to give up when I first started coaching and writing.

But, my truth was that only I can decide what breaks me! Only I can decide to let Satan win. Only I can decide to not get back up.

So, I decided that I’m kinda like the comeback kid! I prayed over my health! I prayed for my marriage and for my husband (starting with THIS book btw…definitely recommend!). I prayed for grace and patience and guidance as a mom. I prayed for grace as a friend and for understanding from the rest of my family. I prayed for the people who have joined me in this crazy, fun, rollercoaster ride as a coach. I prayed over my team and my business. And, I prayed for ME! I prayed not for life to be easy but for me to keep the faith when it’s anything but.

I’m not giving up on any of what matters! The fight is never over! And, if you’re in a similar place where you feel like you’re about to lose it all, take a step back and ask yourself who the real enemy is AND who is making the calls in your life.

An ah-mazing friend shared this with me last week and it’s freaking perfect for what I’m sure so many of you out there have fought or are fighting right now!

“COMEBACK STORY”

Note to Self:
The lonely self,
the broken-hearted self,
the hopeless self,
the worrier self,
the hanging-by-a-thread self,
the not-myself-today self,
the looking-for-a-bright-spot self,
this one’s for you:

You got back up when you could’ve broken down.
You kept shining when you could’ve faded to gray.
You held on when you could’ve let go.
You kept your head above water when you could’ve gone under.
You come back to love when you are completely overwhelmed by life.
You come back to love when you have no clue what you’re doing.
You come back to love when you’re hungry & tired.
You come back to love when you feel worthless and inadequate.
You come back to love when it’s the last thing you want to do.
You come back to love when you feel as though you have no love to give.
You’re a living, breathing COMEBACK STORY.
Let that change your view on this less-than-stellar morning.
Let that change your view on the disarray that surrounds you.
Let that change your view of the puffy eyes and saggy skin you see in the mirror.
Let that change your view of the mistakes of yesterday replaying in your head.
Your lowest point might just be your finest hour.
Because you came back.
You keep coming back.
For love.
For love.
~Only Love Today

HELL TO THE YES, RIGHT?!?! WE did all that! Us comeback kids! And, we get back up and we do it again every dang day!

only YOU can decide what breaks you…..”comebacks aren’t found on a timeline…..they’re found within.”

Ok y’all! Thanks for stopping!! And, stay tuned for more of the story, for where I’m at in the bikini competition journey, and for some exciting opportunities coming our way AND check out a few of the pics by Amanda Magnuson Photography that I’m super excited to see on my new site hopefully VERY soon!

And without a doubt smart, funny, witty, loveable, affectionate, and kind-hearted!

And persistent!

And smiley!

And social!

And grateful!

And has a style all her own!

I can’t really remember what I was like at her age but I’d love to think I was just like her.

She’s 7-1/2 going on 13….yet it seems like it was just yesterday she was born.

When we called the hospital the morning before she actually arrived, they told us to just stay home.

But, I’m guessing a lot of you moms out there can relate that when we know….we just know. And, when the closest hospital is 40 miles away, I wasn’t really in the mood to just stay home and see what happened.

So, we left anyway.

When they finally checked us in to stay around noon on March 19, 2010, they told us my water had broke but it was a “high break.” I’m still not really sure what that means….other than they don’t let you go home after it’s broke for risk of infection…and that it’s likely gonna be a while before baby comes.

They ended up having to induce. And, while I did eventually fully dilate, the doctor finally said after several hours of pushing that she just wasn’t gonna come out on her own.

So, we headed for a c-section.

Honestly, by that point, I didn’t really have a care in the world besides just being able to hold her.

But, life doesn’t always go as we plan and I wasn’t the first one that got to hold her. I wasn’t even the 2nd or the 3rd person to hold her.

She was absolutely fine and healthy….but I didn’t get to hold her.

I didn’t even get to see her right away. They whisked her off to a table and I had to wait for what seemed like an eternity to hear her cry for the first time. And, when they brought her to me, I couldn’t really move and it was really hard to see her face.

And, I’m not sure how long it was before I got back to my room and when they brought her to me.

But, when I did get to REALLY see her and hold her for the first time, it was a feeling like I’ve never known and haven’t felt since.

It was the most wonderful feeling ever.

And, also the most terrifying.

All in one.

You see, I was a mess before I got pregnant. If you read my last blog post, you know some of the story. There had been tremendous sadness in our lives, and I was already struggling with feelings of guilt and shame and not feeling like I was good enough. And, pretty sure Daryn, my sister Taryn and my BFF Lisa can attest to the crazy person I was when I was pregnant.

I spent my entire pregnancy worried that something bad was going to happen…and that ultimately it would somehow be my fault. I ate lunch meat before I found out I wasn’t supposed to. I continued to take hot baths until I found out I wasn’t supposed to. I convinced myself something was wrong with her in there. I was driving to Williston to work the D1 schools and every day I just knew I was going to get into a car accident. And, leaving the house became an absolute chore. I. Was. A. Mess. A picture of gloom and doom and FULL of irrational fears. My doctor finally told me at one point to stay off of the internet. She said for every sad and scary story, there are thousands of untold stories where baby is absolutely fine.

And, then we found out we were having a girl.

A girl.

What was I gonna do with a girl….when I couldn’t figure out my own GIRL life?!? When I didn’t really love myself…know how to love myself. How was I gonna be able to teach a little girl to do what I couldn’t?

I didn’t recognize it then but I likely spent the next several months suffering from post-partum depression.

I was never diagnosed….because I honestly didn’t know. And, if I did mention anything to my doctor along the way, it must’ve come across as normal.

But, what should’ve been a wonderful period of bonding and getting to know her was anything but.

I was beyond stressed about nursing. My milk had come in but we were having a terrible time getting her to latch on. I remember in the hospital, all the rooms had signs on our doors for nursing moms or formula moms. It seemed a bit much. And, my nurses…..bless their hearts….they wanted it to work for us as bad as I did and did everything they could to help. After several appointments with lactation consultants, many sleepless nights, feeding her with a syringe to avoid nipple confusion and ultimately bringing home a scale to weigh her when she started to lose weight, I was at my wit’s end….and I was taking everyone with me.

I was ecstatic when I found online that having a beer in the evenings wouldn’t affect milk for her to still nurse AND in many cases it actually helped increase production and helped moms relax enough that often it could help mom’s get over that hump of when it just wasn’t working. I literally started to look forward to 7 pm at night JUST so I could have that beer lol. #keepinitreal

But, after a week or maybe two of a beer at night….and a handful of other things I also found online to try like herbal teas and different kinds if nipple guards and more lol….she continued to lose weight. It had gone beyond the typical weight they drop when you bring them home.

And, not even pumping worked…..I would pump for an hour and only get like an ounce and a half of milk.

After weighing her one night in her nursery with Daryn and my sister, and me on the verge of tears for the last time, my sister finally said, “Give the baby a fucking bottle!”

I’m not sure why I needed someone else to tell me that.

But, it was like I was looking for someone to give me permission to let go. I was clinging to something so desperately because I thought that’s what she needed the most at the time but really I was only hurting her by my stubbornness.

My hubby pretty much RAN to get that f’n bottle.

And, I had never seen her so content and at peace.

I felt a RUSH of relief come over me! And, pretty sure Daryn and Taryn were close to doing it behind my back if I was gonna keep trying this.

And, while it was the best feeling in the world to see her start to thrive, I couldn’t help but feel like I had failed at the two of the things I was most responsible for. I had had the c-section after I tried and tried and tried to push. And, even though I tried and tried and tried to nurse, I just couldn’t make it work. I felt like I couldn’t give her the things she needed the most.

So, yes, my feelings of failure turned into what I believe was post-partum depression.

I spent the next several months at home with her. And, during the day, it was just her & I.

But, I didn’t spend a lot of time holding her. The minute she was done crying or eating or after a diaper change, I put her back in her swing or bassinet. And, when she would wake up again, it was often all I could do to go pick her up. I’m not even sure I can tell you what I did all those hours home alone with her. I honestly don’t remember and I cry even thinking about it.

I felt like so much of what was supposed to be had been taken away. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I felt cheated. I felt like I wasn’t bonding with her. I felt like a horrible mother and that there MUST be something wrong with me to not wanna pick up my baby! I remember thinking “What kind of mother doesn’t wanna hold her baby…”

It was yet another dark time in my life….and after already having a pattern of carrying guilt and dealing with depression, I took on even more guilt and became even more depressed.

For the longest time, I felt like not only did I miss out on those first months of her life, I couldn’t help but question what didn’t I give her?? Did she not feel love from me? How had my depression affected HER??

It honestly still breaks my heart to think of that little helpless baby with a mom who felt so lost.

Ugh….just when I think the hard parts of sharing my story are over, this was on my heart.

I’m ready to talk about this to find peace and to maybe help another mom out there who is lost in this and doesn’t see it for what it really is.

Because you know what…..

I didn’t have to have that c-section because I was a bad mom.

Having that epidural because the contractions were right on top of each other didn’t mean I was a bad mom.

Not being able to nurse didn’t mean I was a bad mom.

Suffering from depression didn’t mean I was a bad mom.

Those things happened TO us….not because there was anything “wrong” with me.

And, you know what?!?!

That little girl is STILL THRIVING!!!

God bless her she is VERY healthy and vibrant and so smart!!!

She wasn’t sick very often as a baby. And, she is rarely sick now!!!

And, somewhere along the line, we bonded JUST the same and she’s the light of my life!!!

I pray new moms out there suffering from post-partum depression somehow recognize what’s happening and reach out for help.

I pray new moms out there give themselves some grace about nursing! Not only do I believe it’s the mom’s decision whether or not to, if you are trying it and it’s just not working, it’s FREAKING ok. GIVE THE BABY A FUCKING BOTTLE…’cuz I truly think the more you stress and try to force it, the harder it becomes…on EVERYONE.

I pray new moms out there HOLD THEIR BABIES as much as possible!!! YES, you still gotta have a life but I’m pretty sure that if I could go back, I wouldn’t put her down.

We had pics taken by Amanda Magnuson Photography and these two were just a sneak peek! Safe to say they turned out ah-mazing and we’re so happy! I mean how cute is B?!?! And, how awesome is Amanda for what she captures?!? You can check out Amanda’s FB page HERE or click on the images 🙂

I was getting my hair done last night (ok it’s now been a few weeks ago….ha that’s how long I was working on this post lol!) and I’ve been obsessed with pink hair lately (and my pink hair is already gone….#tears #itwasfunwhileitlasted). Like seriously if you haven’t checked out my Pinterest hair board for CUTE hair….including tons of CUTE PINK hair….you totally should. Here it is if you need it or click on any of my hair crushes below!! PINK

So, when I showed my stylist (who FREAKIN’ ROCKS by the way! If you live in the northwest North Dakota area and are looking for a new stylist, go see Mindy at Evolution Salon in Minot. She is part-owner of the salon and has been doing hair for over 10 years…..and seriously is just amazing at what she does….including taking the time to really listen to what you want! #highlyrecommend ~ She’s the second on the left in the pic below…….has amazing hair herself…..AND you can click on the image to go to their Facebook page!) a few of the pics I’ve saved to my Pinterest board, she was like, “We can totally do some pink!” (Totally may be my word. I use it a lot.)

She’s taken me from this (see below)……..to this (also see below) in a relatively short amount of time. I didn’t hate my dark (DARK) hair. For a long time, I actually really liked it ‘cuz it was super healthy and shiny. But, I’ve been highlighted for most of my life and honestly just kinda missed it. And, really, I just get bored and like to switch things up with my hair! Long to short….light to dark…. 🙂 EXCEPT this last time it got way dark and that wasn’t the plan!!!!…..in fact, it was black. I remember when I got home from that appointment, B had a friend over and they were shocked. They were like “It’s purple!!! No, it’s blue??!!” Um yeah. So, while it was never supposed to be as dark as what happened, I just went with it for a while 🙂 It’s all good. Change is good. But, it does mean we still have a ways to go to get to where I’m going so we don’t stress my hair too much but I feel really FUN right now with the hints of pink (again, pink is gone now lol but it was really fun and I think I’m gonna get pink shampoo for in between colors when it wears out!)!!

So, as she was foiling my hair, I was looking at more of the pics I had saved…..and thinking between putting pink in my hair and being in competition prep for a BIKINI contest…..at the spry age of 42…..does it kinda look like I’m going thru a midlife crisis??….especially given the fact I’ve been talking to y’all about feeling like a crazy person for the past 2 years lol.

Well, JUST IN CASE you start to wonder, I’m totally NOT going thru a midlife crisis.

I’m simply REINVENTING myself.

After not feeling good for so long and honestly wondering many/most days if I was losing it, it just feels good to……FEEL GOOD.

Yes, I still have my tummy troubles…..but that’s been a life-long thing. They were just way worse for whatever reason when I had the Mirena in and I’m working with specialists to pinpoint something once-and-for-all.

But, emotionally, I’m doing amazingly (thank God) better than I was a few short months ago! And, physically, I feel better each week and I feel like I’m getting my body back little by little with each passing day. Not to mention the fact I’m focusing really hard on my fitness and nutrition right now. I KNOW that’s a HUGE key to this recovery puzzle!

Which leads me to where I’m at in my competition prep!…..again, not in a midlife crisis lol.

But, I was just on a team call last night with a quest speaker who’s in our newest test group for an Autumn Calabrese workout coming out in January. This chic has been a coach for eight years and was talking about how she STILL loves having something to push her…..she feels like she needs to be constantly challenged and push the limits with her journey. And, she just competed in a pageant!

I thought to myself, that’s exactly how I feel!

I’m not going through a midlife crisis!

I just love having something to push for….something to challenge me….something to keep me excited (insert pink hair).

I’ve said before that it’s not about the competition or the stage or the bikini….although I’m super excited for all….it’s about finding ways to challenge and push myself….not settling for status quo….not giving myself time to get lazy. And, while I don’t believe we ALWAYS need something to look forward to or be pushing for in order to stay true to our health & fitness, I do believe doing things that scare you and that make you push through your barriers is super important!

So, that’s just what I’m doing!

I won’t say this experience hasn’t been without pain already lol. It’s already been freaking hard. And, I’ve changed the course a few times in my approach ‘cuz things just didn’t feel right and some old injuries were resurfacing. And, as in the other blog post I’m sharing, I still wanna eat everything in sight sometimes….but I don’t.

I just keep pushing. I just keep sweating. I just keep sharing.

There are 93 days until the New Year and 264 until the competition. Eeeeeek. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t already feeling the pressure!!!!!! And, that’s part of this struggle and pushing my limits that I have to be careful with. I can easily start obsessing about things….about every bite of food (especially given my history), about which workout is best, about how high my body fat % is, about how someone ELSE trained, and on and on.

But the reality is, this is my fight and my ride. I refuse to go the other way in terms of food; ANY workout I do will be effective as long as I DO IT, I enjoy it AND mostly importantly, follow the meal plan as designed; my body fat is way higher than it should be with less than a year to go but again this isn’t about me competing nationally or me winning the thing….this is about me doing something hard and getting in the best shape of my life; and how someone ELSE did this doesn’t matter. Yes, I can learn from them, take their encouragement and ideas and then make it my own.

I’m maybe not where I want to be or should be at this point in the game, but I’m OKAY with that.

(Oh, and I have some cool groups coming out if you wanna push with me to end 2017 strong!! And, I’m going to be sharing my exact plan and goals as they stand!! Stay tuned!!)

One day, one meal, one workout, one meltdown (just kidding….kinda) at a time.

And, I’ll leave y’all with this! She is freaking hilarious! I especially loved the part where she’s talking about the crossfitters sharing their WODs (workoutoftheday) and she says, “That’s good information to have.” hahahaha!!

It was 18 years ago…..but, the thing about tremendous grief is that it doesn’t go away…..it just changes.

I was at work in a clinic that day in August 1999, and I remember my aunt walking through the door to our business office with a look of shear panic on her face and my heart immediately sank. I knew what she was about to tell me was bad….but in that moment, I had no idea just how tragic the news would be.

She took me into my boss’s office and told me that Kjell was gone…..that he’d taken his own life.

I remember my legs giving out underneath me and my body going limp.

I remember falling to the floor.

I remember uncontrollable screaming, sobbing, shaking and not being able to breathe.

And, then…..I remember nothing.

I don’t remember leaving work.

I don’t remember what I did the rest of the day or the days to follow.

I don’t remember who I talked to or if I slept or if I ate.

It was as if the lights went out in my world.

The next several months have always been a blur except that I remember having panic attacks and nightmares and when I was alone I would start crying and not be able to stop.

It’s always hard when someone in your life dies. And, when someone in your life chooses dying over living, it’s unthinkable. For the longest time I couldn’t let go of the thought of how much pain he must’ve been in on the inside. You do the usual why God why but you also do the why Kjell why AND I did the why DINA why? What didn’t I see? Why didn’t I recognize the signs? Why didn’t I take more time to listen and talk to him?? What did we talk about the last time we talked?? When was the last time I told him I loved him? I had this tremendous guilt that I couldn’t let go of….and still hold some of to this day.

He was an amazing person. He was quiet and kind. He loved giving. He was smart and witty. He never even seemed to get that mad at things. There’s not a bad thing anyone who knew him could say….

And, then in an instant, he was gone.

It was a day that forever changed our family.

It was a day that forever changed me.

Aside from working through the panic, the nightmares, and the fear of being by myself, I eventually started eating for comfort and for escape. I’ve blogged about him before but it’s been more recently that I uncovered more about what happened in those years after he was gone. You can read it here 🙂

I’ve had to dig really deep to find it but it’s been a part of my “homework” recently ~ to get the bottom of where things started to go so wrong ~ this was the time in my life when emotional eating, food addiction, yo-yo dieting and my weight escalated.

Yes, I had had a pretty unhealthy relationship with food growing up. For sure. And, it’s no secret….I’ve blogged and shared about it many times before.

If you’re new here, I hid food when I was younger….but it was a bit more of a game back then than later in life. Ha, even my Gma Olson hid food for me. My dad was SUPER healthy and SUPER strict about what I ate when I was with him. He was vegetarian and had a no sugar, no pop and no junk food rule (ha, as a kid, it felt more like a you can’t have ANY fun rulelol). So, my gma would feel pretty bad for me and hide and sneak me candy….and other junk food….behind his back lol. She would tell me where the “stashes of goods” were, she would stock me up when I was going back to mom’s, and she loved to cook and loved to bake so she fed us all very, very well when I was there..but not always healthy ~ the more margarine and Crisco and real whipped cream and butter syrup the better lol. So, of course when I was elsewhere and back to eating boring food, I felt a little deprived and couldn’t wait for the next time I would be back at my grandparents’ farm. And, we didn’t have a lot of money when I was with my mom, so my step-dad’s snacks for his work lunches were totally off-limits to us kids….so OF COURSE I would wake up in the middle of the night and eat them out of loneliness and spite lol. I was such a rebel ya know 😉

AND, I totally compared myself to my friends in high school but I was never really overweight. I thought I was fat….(I don’t use that word anymore but I told myself that I was back then)…now that I know better, I wasn’t. I just had a really distorted image of myself (and I didn’t know it at the time but that would get way worse before it got better).

Until college that is! I WAS overweight in college. I gained the freshman 15….and then some. I think I gained the freshman 20 or 25 tbh. I loved the cafeteria food. I loved to party. I loved beer and sunflower seeds at softball (no, I didn’t play….just a spectator) lol. I loved late night pizza. And, I did VERY little in the form of exercise. I played city league bball but I played at the bar a lot harder after every game 😉 But, I don’t really remember binge eating or eating with abandon during those college years. It was more of that typical, I’M FREE to do whatever the heck I want type of lifestyle….and, yes, it did take its toll on me.

After college life, I lost the weight, without a lot of work or stress about it and got back down to the 130s. I didn’t go on a “diet.” I did start going to WeightWatchers meetings but I honestly never faithfully followed any of their systems. I loosely counted Pts or ate “power foods” some of the time, but the part I loved the most and got the most out of was the accountability of it (another thing I’ve found with coaching!).

But, then, my darkness began.

A few short months after Kjell’s death, my now hubby, Daryn, & I moved in together.

Moving in together wouldn’t be the best decision we ever made and looking back I wish I had been stronger to know it wasn’t right for us. However, my panic attacks started to go away. The nightmares still came but weren’t as debilitating and I could actually go back to sleep after them. And, I could BE by myself from time to time ‘cuz I knew I wasn’t going to be ALONE alone.

But, that’s when my closet eating started and when my addictions started forming.

My grief and guilt just took on a different appearance.

I often ate alone.

I hid food.

I pretended I hadn’t eaten when I had.

I was very weak and destroyed but I didn’t want Daryn to see just how weak and destroyed I really was.

I convinced myself Kjell was gone because of something I did….or didn’t do.

And, I escaped.

Only it wasn’t an escape at all.

The fear of losing someone else close to me had begun to completely consume me.

And, the more I beat myself up for him dying, the more I began to hate myself and self destruct.

I think I gained about 40 lbs. in the next two years after he was gone and us moving in together. So, obviously, it wasn’t because of the typical “I’m super happy and comfortable in my relationship” kind of weight gain lol.

It honestly wouldn’t be until I found coaching like 14 years later that I would begin to fully realize that while I FELT destroyed by something beyond my control (yet that I thought I was somehow responsible for), I was literally destroying myself all on my own.

I spent 14 YEARS destroying myself….from the inside out.

Thank God for Daryn, some really good friends and my sister during that time or I’m not sure where I would be right now. Even though I had my walls up, there would be glimpses and times I would let them in.

But, for the past 4 years I’ve been trying to rebuild myself….from the inside out….and instead of just letting people break down the walls SOMETIMES, I’ve been working hard to tear down my walls all together.

I’ve still made a lot of mistakes in these past 4 years.

I’ve had a lot of things beyond my control happen and derail me.

And, I’ve had a lot of things completely within my control that have derailed me and all but destroyed me once again.

But, I’m slowly finding my way.

I finally realized that I was still trying to do too much of this on my own. My faith had been lost. I just couldn’t believe a loving God could let this happen. I didn’t know how to pray…I didn’t want to try to learn how to pray.

So, what have I discovered in these four years? How am overcoming and getting stronger every day?

It was totally a God thing that I found coaching. I say it all the time, but I’m not sure where I would be had I not found it….and everything and everyone that’s come into my life because of it.

I found my coach, God bless her. I found so many amazing friends who are like family to me now, God bless them. (In fact, one of those amazing friends sent this to me this blog post this week and I feel like the blogger was talking about me! minus the parts about feeling a little too perfect and superior 😉 And, another friend, who I’ll be sharing more about below, said something that opened up my world) I’ve been to conferences that have completely changed my outlook on my struggles and life in general. I’ve listened to countless stories from other coaches about what they’ve been through but found their way. It really is true that you have no idea what someone else is going through, and it puts your own life and sadness into perspective. I’ve been on amazing trips that have filled my soul. I found an ah-mazing life coach who has taken a spiritual approach to our work together to help me trust God and lean on Him vs. trying to take all this into my own hands, God bless her. I found a healthy, sustainable approach to health & fitness (and let’s just say I’ve tried so many things and quick fixes and completely unhealthy things it’s not even funny). And, ultimately and most importantly, I found my faith in God again.

And, while it may feel like it’s “taking too long” (one of my nephew’s & B’s favorite things to say a few years ago lol), I’m not sure it’s fair to expect that WE (yes, remember when I said I can’t do this alone?….I’m not doing this alone 🙂 ) can “undo” in 4 years what it took me 14 to do to myself. But, even then, I feel stronger than I ever have.

I’ve talked about this recently but something had STILL been holding me back. As much as I wanted to be and as often as I would think I was so so close, I’m still not 100% in the game for my clients and my team and honestly myself.

My truth is that I still struggle with wanting to turn to food for comfort. Even after everything I’ve found to help me, I still think about it more often that I care to admit. I don’t give in to every urge and thought by any means and I’m not binge or closet eating OR eating with abandon.

But while I may not be DOING the things that all but destroyed me years ago, I still WANT TO! I still have moments where I’m on the ledge……when I’m stressed or sad or my anxiety is through the roof….and where I’m so close to eating half a pkg of Oreos, a party pizza, a bag of popcorn drowned in real butter and chasing it down with an entire bottle of wine….or 2. So, I’ve been asking myself yet again….who am I to be trying to help anyone else with their nutrition if I’m still fighting the same demons…..the same internal feelings and battles that I was in those 14 years?

Am I a fraud? Am I a hypocrite?

Well, this week I realized I’ve still been asking the wrong questions.

Enter in yet another reason God led me to where I am right now…..

We were on a team call earlier this week with my coach, Val, and another coach on our team, Amy. Now remember that had I not taken a leap of faith and started coaching with Val, she would never have been the one to sometimes talk me off said ledge. AND, I would never have met Amy. So, towards the end of that call and after a ton of wonderful ideas and insight from Val on something that’s gonna help SO many people with their nutrition, Amy said something that hit me hard.

She started talking about her struggles with her own food addiction.

Now, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard Amy talk about this. And, I’ve connected with her on many levels for the similarities in our journeys. But, what she was about to say would change things for me. She said that she has realized through coaching that she will always struggle with food. It will always be something she’s overcoming because she’s in RECOVERY. She will ALWAYS be in recovery from her addiction.

This is Amy! She’s went from a size 16 to a size 6 in a little over a year. She’s overcame! But, the hard days still come….she’s just taken quitting off the table 🙂 (Much like I have!)

“NSV Celebration! 😀Exactly 400 days ago I recommitted to my journey (due to a health scare) to get my health and fitness back on track!

Today I’m rocking a size 6 Jean!

That’s 10 sizes smaller than 400 days ago!I feel great , Thank God, and even on the hard days, I’ve taken quitting off the table!”

It was like a cloud lifted.

Food is my drug of choice.

I’m an addict in recovery.

I honestly hadn’t really looked at it like that.

And, there would come a day where my emotional eating had literally started to eat me alive.

It may sound dramatic and some of you may be thinking….ummmm whatever Dina…it’s JUST FOOD. Food addiction isn’t a thing. But, that’s just it, maybe you don’t struggle with food….I hope you don’t!!!!…..Maybe the idea of food being like a drug is foreign to you but I challenge you to be open-minded because it is real….people do talk about it….and some are suffering without even knowing they are in the same boat.

Addiction can come in so many forms….the obvious ones being drugs and alcohol. (Someone very close to me is addicted to alcohol, so you better believe I know the pain of someone else’s addiction and I would never take calling something an addiction lightly.) But, be it gambling or spending or pornography or FOOD, they, too, can be extremely destructive to the addict…AND to those around them. (I’ve also had a shopping/spending addiction and I’ve often felt myself not in a good place with alcohol. So, yes, my addictive tendencies run strong and I’ll be unpacking more about that soon as well. This is probably enough for one post lol.) I’m of the belief that any external thing you turn to to escape the pain in your life can become an addiction and it can consume to the point you don’t even recognize yourself and cause pain to those you love.

And, when it comes to food….well, the really SUCKY (is that a word?!?) part about being addicted to food is that you……STILL NEED FOOD. You HAVE to eat to live. You can’t just stop eating food cold turkey and “kick the habit!!” You still have to eat. And, while I can only imagine the strength it takes to beat a drug or alcohol addiction, it would appear the strength to beat a food addiction is pretty dang hard, too. Food is ALWAYS there tempting us and unlike the other things many people struggle with, you still have to have it and you can’t just stop eating.

So, this is why I’m sharing all this today and it’s yet another way I’m healing.

This blog has brought healing and comfort. I honestly never expected it to but it has. It’s still hard to share a post like this. I don’t want to be judged. It’s hard to show my weaknesses. And, I the last thing I want is for anyone to feel sorry for me.

I simply want to bring my pain, my addiction, my internal battles to the light….so they have less power over me yet again. And, maybe to give someone else hope that they can find help, hope and peace just like I’m finding help, hope and peace.

As my life coach, Debbie says ~ The devil wants us to keep things hidden. He wants us to stay stuck and lie about it and be on a path of destruction. He doesn’t want us to seek God. He doesn’t want us to find comfort. He wants us to stay weak. So, if you get nothing else out of this, if you’re consumed by something, if something is causing you pain, confide in someone….even if it’s just confiding in one person….find a way to bring it to the light. I promise you you will start the healing process.

I’m gonna be sharing more in the next several weeks about more specifics on just how much coaching has helped me….specific tools, resources, PEOPLE who have helped me….and if you’re especially struggling and need professional help, I would be happy to share recommendations and even names of people in the area and online that can help. Just a little tangent…but I SO wish there wasn’t a stigma surrounding talking to a therapist. Talking to a professional or a pastor isn’t a sign of a weakness, it’s a sign of strength!! And, talking to someone who’s safe and completely impartial to your situation can change so much.

I’m gonna leave you with a song that’s speaking to my heart right now and some final words about overcoming…

I finally realized that punishing myself wasn’t gonna bring Kjell back. He wouldn’t want to see me in the pain I was causing myself. And, as much as I chased the WHY of what had happened, eating and self-destructing was never going to help me find it. And, while I thought the walls I built up around me were to protect me and not let anyone hurt me, the walls were really suffocating me. And, though I’m not perfect….and I still find myself on that ledge….I still have help to offer. I can still help someone else. And, maybe, just maybe, it better equips me to help someone….because I know first-hand what it’s like to work through it all….

Just hanging out watching some football and blogging! The other 2 yayhoo’s are asleep! And, I’m realizing that Thursday nights and Friday mornings are my fave time to blog 🙂 But, I should probably not try to multi-task and watch football ‘cuz it’s taking me forever to write….I’m especially excited for the NFL this season. I always love football….especially my Broncos (and I will tolerate the Vikings but dang do they disappoint a person….just ask my hubby)…..but this year is my first year in Fantasy Football and my team is rated 2nd on our report cards 🙂 My kicker was the only player I had playing last night but he got me 9 pts!! AND, I was #7 in the draft and picked up Aaron Rodgers, so here’s to hoping he has a good season!!….which is basically saying I hope the PACKERS have a good season….and, well, meh. Ha, sorry Bothe’s if anyone is reading this 😉 That’s the interesting thing about Fantasy football. Sometimes you gotta cheer for players and teams you wouldn’t typically cheer for 😉

Anyhoo, ONTO TOUGH LOVE and inspiration and some serious PROPS…..

I wanted to share a little story about the 1278459 reason I love having my very own personal free coach…

Her name is Val and I’ve never had to pay her a penny for her love and support! (AND, I will say I’ve paid other “macro” coaches and different types of “expert” coaches hundreds of dollars for FAR FAR less than what she’s given me!!!!!!!)

According to Webster’s, the definition of a coach is:

a: a private tutor hired a coach to help her daughter prepare for the test b: one who instructs or trains an acting coacha birth coach; especially: one who instructs players in the fundamentals of a sport and directs team strategy….and went on to give these examples: a football coach,a pitching coach,a gymnastics coach…

I’d love to add a life COACH & health & wellness COACH to this list of examples!

In my mind, a coach is simply a person who helps you get to your goals….whatever they may be! Growing up, my basketball coaches helped me get better at basketball and taught me the value of teamwork. Both goals I had…..or didn’t know I had lol! And, I can tell you that not all of the coaches I had growing up were EXPERTS or honestly even had prior experience at what they were doing!! But, they were passionate (MOST of them lol) and (MOST of them lol) just loved and supported us the best they knew how.

To me, that’s the best definition of a true coach: one who is passionate about helping others achieve their goals.

And, to me, and to the entire Beachbody company as a matter of fact, it doesn’t require anyone to be an expert in fitness & nutrition or hold any certain types of degrees or certifications. Heck, our trainers and our programs do ALL of that FOR us! Beachbody was way ahead of the game and they do that FOR us and continue to find cutting edge methods to get people lasting and amazing results if they put in the work! As a TBB coach, we simply just have to love our clients and our coaches hard and support them the best we know how on the way to their goals. We don’t have to be personal trainers or registered dietitians or hell even be uniquely passionate about fitness & nutrition (although I am!!)! We just have to know how to extend a hand to someone else….just like our coach did for us.

That’s what Val has done for me.

She, to this day, helps guide me in the best approach to my goals (which honestly is most of the time just simply not to give up and it’s not even just about my health & fitness goals….EVEN MY LIFE GOALS!). She talks me off the ledge. She’s the first person to tell me I can do something when I’m stuck or trying to tell her that I just can’t. She cuts through the bullshit of my responses and excuses and tells me like it is. Soooo, YES, she’s been by my side for almost 4 years now. When I joined her team, she helped me choose a program called TurboFire! And, when I told her I had already tried Shakeology and I pretty much HATED it, she told me that without a doubt it would help me be healthier and get to my goals faster and then helped me pick a new flavor and find recipes that I still use and absolutely love to this day. It was a random weekend in October of 2013 and my life would be forever changed.

She’s been there through my IUD craziness and the highs and LOWS that came with it ~ my all-over-the-place emotional battles with health, food, my job, coaching, being a mom and even my marriage.

She’s not a personal trainer or a nutritionist or a dietician and wouldn’t be able to calculate my macros for me or tell me exactly what to do physically to get to that stage next year.

But, all that she is far outweighs all of those things. And, I’m speaking from personal experience here ‘cuz I’ve had all the above! And, while I absolutely learned from those people in my life and I don’t think I would change any of that, only one of them was still with me after I walked out the door….not one of them ever messaged or texted me JUST to see how my day was going…..and while a few of them did say things to me like “You deserve success, now let yourself have it,” most were gone from my life after I stopped paying them for their services (with the exception of my girl Poppy! if you’re interested in following flexible dieting and need help with what macros you should eat, SHE is your girl and she has an amazing FB group for support!) and I didn’t get near the support and time as I have from Val. I get that’s pretty much how the world works so believe me when I say I’m not bashing any of them ~ it’s simply how so many things in the fitness & nutrition-world are designed! However, writing this blog post has totally reaffirmed how amazing an opportunity this is….both AS a client and as a coach if you go that route!! And, I know it’s gonna be her tough love and her support and encouragement that helps get me to the stage….and honestly that’s what I really need. (Ha, because AGAIN, I have all the workouts and nutrition plans at my fingertips for the logistical side of this….it’s the inside that pushes the rest!)

So, this week when I was fighting a tummy flareup and definitely not feeling well or on top of my game, I reached out and told her that I thought I maybe just needed to switch programs…..go back to the basics and focus on my nutrition with either Country Heat or the 21 Day Fix. My right wrist has been bothering the heck out of me and some of the moves in my new program I have to not only modify but some I’ve just been having a hard time doing at all. But, she challenged me. I’ll admit when I’m not feeling well, I start to doubt my abilities and I start looking for an easier way 😉 Well, she wasn’t gonna let me out with an easier way. She pushed me that I need to finish this thing! Even if I have to modify. Even if it hasn’t looked perfect yet again this round…..that even though I’d be doing something else, quitting on a program just because of a bump the road would only leave me feeling a little defeated. And, when I asked her what she thought would be the most effective program for me right now….this is what she said…”I think it will be more effective for you to not give up dina! If i was half way through a program and I felt like it was getting harder, i would hope you would tell me I could do it! to remind me that I can do it and that I am strong enough….because you are!”

Well, alright then! Yes, I am strong enuf! It’s just sometimes I have to be reminded of that…and she’s right there to do it.

I told her I wouldn’t give up on these next few weeks! And, even though my next workout sucked ass to be quite honest, I KNEW she pushed and that I’m following through with the right thing. It’s hard. It’s supposed to be hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it. And, honestly, I was yet again making it harder than it needed to be. Mostly because I didn’t FEEL good. But also because I’m more COMFORTABLE with Country Heat & the Fix!! Those are two of my fave programs and I’ve done them so much I don’t have to be challenged or pushed. But, I need to get and stay UNCOMFORTABLE during these next 200 and some odd days 😉 Being comfortable isn’t gonna get me to that stage. AND, I seriously do LOVE this program! I have never had so much fun doing intense cardio as with this workout!!!

AND, she just gave me an amazing incentive for after I do this thing!!!!!!!!!! Stay tuned!!

So, THANK YOU for talking me off the ledge yet again Val! Onward and upward!! This was at our first Coach Summit in 2014 in Vegas!! Each year just gets better and better!

AND, not only has this girl been there for me, she’s been there for many others and it shines through in an awesome accomplishment she just made in her business! I just had to give her some serious props because she just hit a cumulative $100,000 in income yesterday since she started coaching 4 years ago! We get paid every Thursday for doing something we absolutely love….and as she would say and so would I….we would do this even if we didn’t get paid! (But, it sure is an amazing blessing for our families that we do!!) Way to go girl! LOVE YA!