So frightened.

Once it might have been easier to talk specifically about what happened to me as an abused disabled person but after so many years and years of trying to get help and constantly being ignored i eventually felt myself withdrawing away from my friends and my partner just to escape facing the daily pain of what i was experiencing and now have finally been offered some more advanced counseling I am so fearful that i will break down completely at the thought of having to relive the abuse all over again.

How can i possibly explain how hollow and empty i am feeling to somebody who doesnt even know anything at all about me what even i cant even express or understand myself entirely how i feel particularly when just bringing back the thoughts of what has happened terrifies me.

11 Replies

Hi Starfire.. So proud of you to have at least made that move for advanced counselling.. Its an agonizing dilema when you live with a hellish past as a victim to abuse.. Yes, its hard to put your feelings, sorrows, fears, suffering into a maze of torment.. Reliving the events is hard enough to deal with & 'no' your immediate action would be to run rather than confront your deepest secrets to a stranger.. Trouble is Starfire, that buried rot turns itself in, it affects our daily life, relationships, social life, health & many aspects of life.. You have been brave to come forward & ask for advice 'well done'.. Counsellors are very well trained & caring about you would be their greatest priority - Be prepared to take many visits as your counsellor wil help you with strategies that will make you feel more in control of your feelings, senses etc., NO the memories will never go BUT you WILL find coping skills, support, direction + that 1 on 1 connection with confidence and trust.. Dig up what you have tried to hide as your coping skill, its time to send that experience back to its own hell.. I really do want you to feel free, live, laugh & experience a more stable, pleasurable existence.. Do you need to feel locked up with this forever? No way, you have carried this burden for to long.. See your counsellor Starfire.. I care for you also xxx

i only wish i could find it within myself to talk about what happened but I feel absolutely nothing for anybody now. I feel as if every little part that made me who i was had gone as if i am standing behind myself watching over my own shoulder but without the ability to change anything. The Only time i could even cry was after a patricularly bad night terror and that was only because i was so exhausted with never being able to sleep. Inonly hope that i can get the help i need Deb.

dearest Starfire.. if only I was a little closer to you hun.. 'IF ONLY'!!! Coming forward is the first approach & Im sure you wont have to share your entire horrible secretative hell that you have experienced... Slowly encourage yourself that its YOU who is the victim here & NO it should not continue to destroy your life & rob you of your own identity.. I would love to see you break down some of these barriers that have imprisoned you in life Starfire.. I encourage you to take baby steps to move forward rather than give into the past that has already claimed you as a wonderful & unique person on this planet.. PLEASE keep considering your options to seek counselling.. BIGGEST HUGS to you ok xx

My partner sat with me throughout the night because even i believe i have reached an all time low to the point that even returning to the outskirts of the city where the past events occurred let alone the house where all of this happened is enough to trigger weeks of night terrors and sudden flashbacks.

i read your words of kindness. They gave me hope which i hadnt felt for a long time. But it is as you say, it is baby steps to a recovery which, even i dont know how to start becuase nothing i try seems to help.

If i were to say to you i feel like i am hanging over a cliff edge by a piece of cotton expecting it to break at any time it wouldnt be an exaggeration.

Beautiful, sweet hearted Starfire.. I so much want to support & encourage you.. Its relieving to know that you have a partner who must be so dear in heart towards you.. Im sue that if we could change this around, it would be you supporting others who have lived with this horrid memories of things that have passed but not forgotten.. That thread you are hanging on to us could represent us as that piece of string.. I suffered 3 years as a child, sexual abuse from my grandfather whom came to live with us.. 2 years past all this, a girlfriend & I were pack raped.. I can never push it out from my memories as much as desperately wanted to.. 10 years later, I was assaulted & left for dead.. These events have changed my life & its hards to focus ahead when you feel the past can hold you back 10000's paces.. I, much like you Starfire, skeptical how anyone could help me out alone understand me.. Trusting someone you do not know can be overwheling & diffiult to work out where do you begin or how do you explain.. My past only surfaced when I had a major breakdown & admited to hospital.. Medication & soooooo many counselling appointments, helped me see that hope as you mentioned.. You are a survivor of something so many people could ever cope with.. I believe that you can do this Starfire & with your partner & I standing firm with support.. xxxx

Hi Starfire, I have been trying to get support for the fact that I was raped when I was 25, I feel like I'm trying to climb a mountain trying to get support, finally when I felt all hope had all but gone I eventually got the support I needed yesterday! I'm relieved as I felt I'd been ignored for years and had every professional door slammed in my face. I too have difficulties mainly due to dyslexia and the co-ordination disorder called dyspraxia. Don't take no for an answer get someone behind you to fight and make the people who are blocking you see sense. I hope you get the help you need, if it gets too bad it's even worth fighting for support through the police or samaritans, which I tried at my lowest before. Good luck someone has to listen in the end!

I can empathise with the stuggle you have also had. It has been exactly the same with me too with similar circumstances. As a physically disabled person, i have found that in order to get the help i need i have had to be unnecesarily passed from one department to the other back and forwards like a rubber ball. From primary care on to secondary mental health and back again while each argues its not their departments responsibility. Perhaps it isn't, but it has certainly worsened my condition and like you, I too even got to the point whereby i tried everywhere to get help.

When seriously disabled people like myself are in physically ill health and have suffered abuse, and they both try to get help and to report it, they should be heard. It makes no difference who caused their suffering or how powerful that person may be in public life.

Unfortunately that isnt the case.

But my situation was caused by various incidents and aspects over a long period of time. Not a one off attack.

In the UK now, all legal aid help has been withdrawn for people on low incomes and there are few public services for disabled people still operational that people like myself can turn to for tangible help, but while this remains the case people like myself will only continue to slip through the net.

i realize this is an older post but i would like to point that you already started to do something helpful which is to *write* about it. even if what you write is that you dont know what to write the next time will be easier and easier and that is what i believe will get you to where you need to get to.

i wish you the best and i hope you already are feeling better. there are some great books out there too if you would like recommendation of one.

I suffer from PTSD also... and I can't sleep... I'm having severe panic attacks... do you recommend anything? My doctor put me on Paxil, rexulti and Ativan... it only helps slightly... help me! Let's help each other...

I Truly feel your pain... I fear every day that I'll never be happy again... I used t be that girl that everyone wanted at their party, and now I have severe social anxiety... I'm always leaving super early and putting on a happy face so my friends and family won't know... write back, it'd be nice to have. Some pal that suffers from the same thing I do... it's awful... 🙁

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