John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

The emotional Novocain wears off. (Published 1/11/2010)

Q:

Rebecca, a Tributes.com visitor from OH writes: “I lost my dad suddenly last October on the first. My birthday is the sixth. He was only 49 years old. Will I ever be able to stop being numb and let go? I still think every day that it was a bad dream and wait by the phone for him to call me. Does the loss of a parent ever become bearable. By the way I am only 21. I was a few day shy of 20 when I found out that he had passed.”

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Rebecca,

Yes, the sense of numbness will probably subside, but be alert to the fact that when the “emotional Novocain” wears off, there is sometimes a feeling of more pain, not less. You will have to adapt to that, but being aware of it may help you not be surprised or too alarmed. It is part of the normal and natural reactions to the death of someone important to us.

When there has been a sudden death, it is not uncommon to have that feeling that it was all a bad dream – again that is a normal and natural reaction, and there’s nothing wrong with the feelings and thoughts you’re having. It is the way our broken hearts communicate to us about how difficult it is to adapt to this new, painful, unwanted reality.

The fact is you will never forget your father, and to varying degrees you will probably always miss him. I can tell you something that may give you hope. Although I was substantially older than you are when my mother died suddenly 17 years ago, I can still imagine everything she would have told me if and when I went to her for help or guidance. So even though I lost her physically, I carry her with me emotionally and spiritually.

The key to making sure that you retain those positive and helpful aspects of the relationship – as I did with my mother – and to increase your ability to adapt to your dad’s death, is to take the actions detailed in The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in most libraries and book stores].

If you need additional guidance as you work through the Handbook, please feel free to call or email me.