John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

When your heart is broken, it can be difficult to access your religious or spiritual beliefs. (Published 7/15/2015)

Q:

My sister lost her oldest child 7 years ago and just 4 months ago she lost her baby boy who was 36 years old. Needless to say, she was just beginning to get over the loss of her oldest son and this happened to her only child left. I am so worried about her. I pray for her all the time. She is just so mad that God took her last son. Please, I am asking for any suggestions or any advice you can offer that may help my sister. Thank you and God Bless.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Paula,

Thanks for your note and your concern for your sister.

We have a sense that you have a strong connection to God, and at the same time, that your sister’s connection has been damaged by the two deaths.

You may have noticed that with her anger, your sister may not be receptive to ideas related to God or prayer.

We train a lot of clergy in how to help grievers and most of them have struggled with a parallel issue. When they offer to pray with someone who has experienced a breech of faith because of a death[s], they need to learn different tools to help their parishioners.

The same may be true for you.

What you have to understand is that when our hearts are broken, our heads don’t always work right, and our religious and spiritual beliefs also may not work for us.

The broken heart dominates and must be addressed first.

We recommend that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read the first 58 pages [Part One] and then you can give a copy of it to your sister. When you give it you’ll be able to say, “Here’s a book that I found helpful, and I thought you might benefit from it also.”

When she reads it and takes the actions it suggests, it will help her become emotionally complete with each of her sons who have died. As a result of that, she’ll probably experience a reduction of her anger towards God and perhaps a renewed sense of trust in her religious beliefs.