The threat to our homeland from muskrats and other water-dwelling mammals is growing. Although no muskrat clans at present are known to posses fissile materials, long-range delivery systems, or opposable thumbs, the backside Covering Intelligence Agency (BCIA) has stated that it cannot necessarily predict the development of tool-using capabilities, especially given recent trends in hammer and saw proliferation, and the availability of outside assistance from North Korea, Iraq, and certain colobus monkeys[1]. In fact, we might have no warning at all before muskrats begin to speak or harness the power of the atom. Thus we must assume that even now these fur-bearing aggressors are preparing to inflict unacceptable damage on our homeland[2].

Muskrats have along history of rogue behavior, as noted in the song "Muskrat Love." Because of their fanatical politics and inability to comprehend human speech, conventional models of deterrence cannot be applied to muskrats. In particular, the outmoded and cynical theory of MAD, which purchased stability by promising Armageddon, cannot serve when one side can only nibble the other.

Most Americans, when asked how we would respond to, for example, a muskrat biting the president, assume we would just use an existing defensive system to "shoot it down.[3]" When they are told that, at present, there is no single, integrated, space-based, quick-reaction, hit-to-kill muskrat defense in operation, they are stunned and appalled. Calling in Animal Control to shoo the beast away is just not an option in today's atmosphere of multiple WMD (Wildlife of Mean Disposition) threats.

No, we must build a system of National Muskrat Defense, and we must build it now. Nay-sayers claim "it won't work," and "You can't hit a muskrat with a satellite." But extensive testing, along with a favorable tarot reading we got the other day from Maggie Plunkett who works at the Dairy Queen, indicate that a system of rocket-boosted, precision-guided interceptors can and will work. A dozen tests at White Sands and Plankton Springs, Ark., conclusively prove the viability of the proposed system. In fact, the latest full-up system test, if the radar had been plugged in, the range instrumentation not been disabled by a series of freak lightning strikes, the target had not swum off-course into a culvert behind Bubba's gas and Bait, and the interceptor had actually launched instead of bursting into flames on the launch pad, many experts believe we would have achieved an actual intercept. Clearly, it is time to move to full-scale deployment.

Some people claim that development of such a system will anger and offend the Russian Federation, which will see our system as designed to target the many nutria and beaver hats worn by their people. But a few simple assurances, made in a soothing tone of voice and accompanied by non-threatening hand gestures, should be enough to deal with Russia. There should be no more than a trivial number of species-identification errors made by the software, with a correspondingly small number of horrible decapitations. In any event, we can always offer them chocolate and nylons which, experience shows, can get foreigners to agree to anything.

The cost of such a system -- a mere $100,000,000 -- is easily affordable[4]. Its environmental impact will be negligible, once the rocket exhaust clears and the wetlands re-grow. And the required cruelty an animals during testing can easily be compensated for by a novena to St. Francis. Can we say this is too high a price to pay to free our[5] homeland from the specter of water-dwelling rodent tyranny? Would it be better to leave ourselves open to muskrat blackmail?

We here at the Congressional Whack Caucus are not the only advocates of such a system. Several former Secretaries of State and Defense have spoken out about the dangers of rogue nations, and we assume they would have extended the analogy to wildlife if they had the time. Two long-retired JCS chairmen have been tricked by their nursing home attendants into signing statements in support of our plan. And Jeanne Kirkpatrick has reportedly told her friends that she has nightmares about rodents.

Some people think there's a bear in the woods. There may or may not be bear, but there are certainly muskrats, too, and we have ignored their menace too long. Let us just hope and pray it is not too late.

[1] See our paper, "Monkeys of Menace," written just after we watched that Planet of the Apes marathon on the GOP actors' channel.