Dear Pre-Wedding Self: Cool The Eff down!

Who here remembers when we started the Wedding Graduates series? Show of hands. Well, when we started it, the project was supposed to be nothing more (and nothing less) than people giving advice to their pre-wedding selves. It all started with East Side Bride’s super simple advice post, and it has built into… where we are today. But I’m super crazy in love with Julia’s post because it’s so smart, and so funny, and so simple, and so perfect. (And yes, she promises to write a longer post at a later date.) So here it is, the advice you need to hear.

Dear Pre-Wedding Self,

Cool the f*ck down. Seriously. It doesn’t matter if you have a ring to “prove” your engagement is legitimate. You got those engagement rings tattooed on, remember? It doesn’t get more legit than that. It doesn’t matter that your amazingly sweet almost-brother-in-law (although he and your sister aren’t married—yet) printed the invitations he designed as your wedding gift with the wrong website for RSVPs.

Don’t be offended or hurt that two of your dear friends have an actual contract that means that they have to be somewhere else at the exact time of your wedding. Even though it’s sports-related, it is a super important part of their lives and they do not love you any less. Be happy that you spent a gazillion hours looking for the perfect wedding band in black for your wife (to be). No, a true and forever black metal band doesn’t really exist and yes, a nut (?!) and silver ring is a nifty alternative, even though it won’t last forever.

Also please don’t stress out about your lives and selves colliding. Yes, there are people you love who will call you by your burlesque name to your parents who will be puzzled but polite and hopefully will have no idea that their daughter co-founded and runs a successful burlesque troupe in this same city. It will be fine and everyone will be thrilled that Violet and/or Julia is getting married!

Pre-Wedding Self, remember that your parents were excited, once they got over the initial shock. Remember that your wife (to be) also has wonderfully supportive mother and grandmother and friends. Remember that there is no one in your life who will decline the invitation to your wedding because of moral or religious conflicts. And remember that as a queer couple, these things are amazing, wonderful, and priceless.

Most importantly, Pre-Wedding Self, look at your wife (to be) and realize that she loves you, she is excited about the wedding and wants to marry you—hopping up and down with excitement is just. not. her. thing. Just because she is waiting until the last week to get her suit and shirt, just because she isn’t obsessed with wedding blogs, just because she doesn’t want to talk about the wedding every single day, does not mean that she is any less excited about it or about being married to you. Also please tell her every day that how amazing it is that she catering the whole damn event herself. Seriously, just wait for the deliciousness.

Finally Pre-Wedding Self, yes there will be some disappointments and some details left undone. Yes, your beautiful and amazing shoes will be killing you by the end of the night. And yes, you will be so incredibly nervous. Yes, it’s going to be financially stressful. But you will marry the love of your life in front of people who love and support you both. And you will be delighted and shocked by the generosity of your friends and family. And it will be the most beautiful and perfectly “us” wedding you could have hoped for.

“Yes, there are people you love who will call you by your burlesque name to your parents who will be puzzled but polite and hopefully will have no idea that their daughter co-founded and runs a successful burlesque troupe in this same city.”

Thanks for the chuckle. ;)

Remy

If I were having a larger wedding, I would have almost exactly this concern. Oh, the double (triple) lives we lead!

Class of 1980

Even at 53, there are certain things I don’t want my mom to know – like among other things, the fact that the beliefs they brought me up with didn’t take. ;)

The truth would only break her heart into a million pieces, which is something I’d never do on purpose.

Some secrets are good!

http://biggerinreallife.com/ Christy A.

This really is beautiful. Ah, oh, have we been there! Thanks for sharing!

Cara

Excellent post, Julia. Reminds me of classic APW :)
(Yes, I remember the beginning of the Wedding Graduates! How nuts is it that there were only 7 comments on that ESB post? How far you’ve come, Meg …)

Julia

Thank you, ladies! It’s funny, looking back on the planning, I was such a brat but it seemed like all the world. Now that gay marriage is legal in Washington, we are planning to dress up again and go to the courthouse on June 1 to get (more) legally hitched! No stress this time :)

http://irvingplace.net Kayjayoh

Reading this a little over a year into the future, my heart both broke a little at the “June 1″ part (because I know there will be a wait for you, past-Julia) and did a little dance, because I also know what is in store for the end of the year.

The future is a strange place to be. I’m really looking forward to catching up to current on this blog, so I can interact with everyone in real time. :)

Claire

Love this! Wise, funny. Hope Julia’s next post has more pictures, because that sounds like an awesome wedding.

http://bettencourtchase.blogspot.com Helen

Yes, yes, yes: “But you will marry the love of your life in front of people who love and support you both. And you will be delighted and shocked by the generosity of your friends and family. And it will be the most beautiful and perfectly “us” wedding you could have hoped for.”

I love this. And more photos, please!!

http://hobbitsvselves.wordpress.com Zen

Awwww. *_*

(Also, not to be shallow, but AWESOME dress! And awesome hair! And awesome suit! Just, too much awesome!)

Kaiti M

What an amazing lunch-break treat! Loved this post: full of good (and witty) advice that I can relate to!

Love it. Love remembering that everyone celebrates in their own unique way and that is okay. Love this post, absolutely beautiful.

carrie

“With love and valium”

AMEN, sister!

http://www.linseykitchens.com Linsey

Julia, could you please write a “Cool the F down” series for my daily life? (With love and valium?) Please?

pixie_moxie

“Most importantly, Pre-Wedding Self, look at your wife (to be) and realize that she loves you, she is excited about the wedding and wants to marry you—hopping up and down with excitement is just. not. her. thing. Just because she is waiting until the last week to get her suit and shirt, just because she isn’t obsessed with wedding blogs, just because she doesn’t want to talk about the wedding every single day, does not mean that she is any less excited about it or about being married to you.”

THIS. Made me cry it is so true.

Natasha McIntosh

On the eve of getting ready to write many checks for many things that are causing me actual insomnia, I found this site – and this page – and your post. And I wept – at 12:30 am, in Honolulu, with my dog and fiancé sound asleep while I obsess like any good bride. I wept for you – for your happiness – for your generous spirit. I wept because you gave me permission to invest in this moment by saying – “Yes, it’s going to be financially stressful. But you will marry the love of your life in front of people who love and support you both.” You reminded me that my dear sweet amazing fiancé is sucking up the cost, because he loves me so dearly and wants me to be happy – he just really loves me and wants me to be happy. :) – and that that gift, that gift right there is precisely what we are celebrating. You reminded me that life is ABOUT these moments – because lord knows the awful moments are out there lurking – but to celebrate with people we love around us, that energy could well carry me a lifetime. Thank you for reminding me to give him a BREAK with the obsessive wedding talk. I feel like I need to read your post every single day to keep my head on straight.

Thank you for sharing your graduation with us – I hope your life is happy now that this event is a part of your history. I hope the love you felt that day is with you powerfully and joyfully every day.

Thank you for giving me – all of us – permission to enjoy the gift of loving someone, and being loved by that person – and all the others who care so much that we don’t see and talk to nearly as often as we want to.

I’m going to bring them together – in Hawaii – and we are going to celebrate. And then I’m going to move forward, with the photos and memories – and be a good wife to my husband, as I’m sure you are being to your wife.