misadventures in family, (in)fertility, and our future

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9.5

Hi, my name is Sarah. It’s been 12 days since my last ultrasound. [Hi, Sarah.]

I’m 9 weeks, 5 days today. I vacillate multiple times a day between joy that I’m pregnant and fear that the b-b-b-baby is dead.

I’ve been feeling physically better since my post a few weeks back. My doctor recommended I take vitamin B-6, and it seemed to help. I also stopped taking my prenatal vitamin, at least for the time being, as it increased my nausea and caused crippling constipation. In the next few weeks I’m hoping to ease back on to it; I know it’s important.

Care to indulge me in a little game I like to play? It’s called, “Is the Baby Still Alive?” To play, we run through my symptoms at any given moment. Here, let me show you:

-Nausea has decreased dramatically. Could definitely be +1 on the Dead Baby side, but could just be a result of the B-6, lack of prenatal vitamins, and time. Let’s call this one a wash. (but secretly I always count this on the Dead Baby side.)
-Bo.obs have grown 2 cup sizes. +1 on Live Baby side.
-Food Cravings and aversions noted. Could be +1 on Live Baby side, but also could be just in my head.
-Tammy says I have a “glow”, but I call bullshit on that one. In punishment for her (sweet) lying, I’m putting +1 on Dead Baby side. Because the universe is a bitch.
-Peeing a LOT – waking up multiples times a night. Also very thirsty. Could be +1 for Live Baby, but it’s also summer, so it makes sense that I’m drinking more. Ok, I’m feeling generous, so I’ll give this to Live Baby.
-Bought maternity clothes. Definitely a +1 for Dead Baby.
-Toilet paper checks come up clear every time. +1 for Live Baby.
-LOTS of twinges, pains, cramps, twitches, pulls, stretches, etc in the abdomen. +1 for both Live and Dead. Could go either way.

OK! Let’s tally the score! One plus one plus one, times eleventy, carry the fuck, and you get a win for Live Baby. Unless you count the secret point for Dead Baby and then it’s a tie.

Damn, I wish I could have another ultrasound. I feel like sending an email to my fertility clinic, begging for a fix. I’ll take my pants off in the waiting room! I’ll have Tammy do the ultrasound! We’ll clean up after!

My next scan is July 12th, with my (gulp) OB. I’ll be 11 weeks (in theory). My biggest fear is being told it’s been dead for days or weeks. I’m not sure why a missed miscarriage seems so much more terrible than a regular miscarriage, but to me it does. Don’t misunderstand me, either would be absolutely devastating. Maybe It’s a control thing? With a regular miscarriage the cramps and bleeding would give you some kind of warning, no? Not that it would be less terrifying to look down and see blood than it would be to look on an ultrasound screen and see…nothing, but…oh shit. I don’t know.

Hi, my name is Sarah. It’s been 12 days since my last ultrasound. [Hi, Sarah.]

Oh, wow this sounds all too familiar. Only I’m into the 2nd trimester, so my symptoms have gone way down. And it has been almost 4 really long weeks since my last ultrasound.
Hang in there! I think your math definitely adds up a live baby growing away in there.

This is exactly how I spend every waking hour and I’m only 6 weeks! I have my first ultrasound in a few hours but I’ve managed to convince myself that there could be nothing there. I hope you can convince your clinic to scan you again. Best of luck xxx

I love your humor even when you’re freaking out. One doula tip…if you go back on the pre-natals and they make you sick again, there is an alternative. As long as you eat well you can get by with folic acid supplement, Omega-3 with DHA, and a very good pro-biotic (if it doesn’t have to be refrigerated, it’s not good).

This post made me laugh, even though it’s not really funny. I know this game very well, but usually I play the “Is there a baby in there?” version, while I scrutinize every microscopic semblance of a pregnancy symptom in the two week wait. Having gone through a miscarriage myself, I suppose if I do get pregnant again, I’d be swiftly switching to your version of the game. All I can say is good luck!! And also after your 11 week ultrasound you can get cheap a fetal doppler off ebay and listen to your baby’s heartbeat any time you want 🙂 It kinda makes the game pointless to play, but I’m sure you wouldn’t be missing it 😛