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I have a chronic fear of being stuck. As in, this (relationship, career, home, job, city, environment) is sucking my soul and how will I ever get out of it?

Up until “adulthood” (aka post-graduate life), most of us live in the distinct time frame of a school year. Semesters, quarters, summer breaks…if a class is miserable, you know you’ll be done with it in December. If your roommate and apartment suck, you know you can move at the end of the semester. The chapters are short. There is always an end date.

But after graduation, at least for me, it was a wide-open expansive land of time and I guess it freaked me out more than I thought. I’m always afraid of being “stuck.”

Physically, in a relationship, a career, a city, in a certain environment. It’s not fear of commitment. Hell, I’ll 150% commit to something I believe in and if I think it’s a good thing. But it’s “stuck” in the sense of believing there is no way out of a situation that drains me of energy, positivity, passion and strength. A stagnant, negative relationship. A energy draining, anxiety-filled job. Scares the crap out of me if I ever think of getting stuck in either of those things.

But at the same time I have to laugh at myself. If I ever got myself in those situations, I get the hell out. I’m just that kind of person.

So what am I afraid of?

Being vulnerable enough to stay put for more than 6-months and see what happens? Being at peace and open to whatever the Universe brings me, whether that’s tomorrow or in 5 months?

It’s the no-end-date lifestyle that I need to get used to. In the past, I probably forced those end dates a little too soon and a little too often. I would get restless and scared that I wasn’t going anywhere or that I didn’t know what I wanted to do…so I would try and solve that by moving. Again.

I feel as though part of my restlessness is coming from the false sense of security I get when I move to a different city or job or apartment. I think that by picking up and moving, everything will be figured out. I’ll have left my problems and emotional angst in the last city. I’ll be in the right place…finally. I’ll find my true purpose…finally.

But it doesn’t work like that.

I realize that when I have those emotions to pick up and leave, to travel and explore (if I got a dollar for all the times I went on Hipmunk to find the cheapest plane ticket to Spain, I could pay for the damn ticket), it’s because I’m outwardly searching for answers I can only find on the inside. It’s a sign that I need to explore inwardly to find what I’m attempting to discover while on those daring, romantic adventures. I need to explore what is currently and presently surrounding me. Be present and real with it in that moment.

I’m where I am for a reason. The Universe is giving me all the tools to “find myself” right where I am. So by drastically shifting and moving my environment to “find myself,” I prolong the whole experience. Because finding yourself isn’t really a destination. It’s an everyday journey that we’re continually on. Yes, I believe one day we can discover our higher purposes and innate reason for being, but until then, finding ourself is being present with ourself. Where we are in that moment.

So as romantic as it sounds to “find myself” in a small cafe at the end of a winding cobblestone street in Italy or on a sunny beach in Greece…I’m not going to find myself any more than I would at the coffee shop down my street. Certainly, I can have grand discoveries or epiphanies or light-bulb moments while in those dreamy places, but it’s not going to lead me any closer to that forever elusive thing I’m trying to find.

Maybe if I stop searching, I won’t need to find anything. The answers are always here anyways.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Sevilla, Spain recently. I went there for four months during college for an international internship and I’ve wanted to go back ever since. As strange as this may sound, I feel like I left a little bit of my heart and soul there and it’s been wandering around ever since I left. That’s been over 4 years ago. It’s time to go back. My heart aches to be in the city again and see all the sights that had become so familiar to me.

I’ve actually been looking at different opportunities to travel back to Spain and live in Sevilla for a period of time. There’s a teaching English program through LanguageCorps that I found and I’ve been considering that. I would go back in May, do a 4-week intensive teaching English course and then find a job at one of the local schools for the summer and fall months.

I could also just do my social media management and freelancing, all of which is remote and can be done with a laptop and wifi, while I travel back there.

I’m open for different opportunities to bring me back to Sevilla, whether they’re through an organization/company, or I make my own opportunity. All I know is, I need to go back. I have to. Something is calling me in Sevilla and I don’t quite what it is or what it’s for…but I know I can’t ignore the flame that has been burning slowly, almost unnoticed, for the past several years.

So far, through my research, one-way tickets to Madrid aren’t outrageously expensive for next May. I have enough JetBlue points (thank you Universe) to get me back to JFK where I would catch a one-way flight to Madrid and then take a train down to Sevilla. I would prefer a train because 1) I’m not a huuuuuge fan of flying 2) By the time I got through customs, into the domestic terminal, caught a short flight to Seville, took a taxi into the city…I almost feel like it would be the same amount of time/effort as if I just took a train. lol. And besides, I want to see the landscape from Madrid to Sevilla, since I never travelled north of Sevilla.

View from La Alhambra in Granada

Ahhhh. I can’t wait until I’m back :)

I found this video that I must’ve watched 1,000 times before I went to Sevilla the first time in college. Watching it now I started crying…that song will forever be connected to Spain for me. It’s beautiful.