About Fire

At the trusting age of 3 years old, my innocence was shattered. That day began a long struggle to retain my sanity and survive in a world that appeared hell bent on breaking me. My control was violently stripped away and I never talked about. It became my all encompassing reality. There was no need to talk about it. It just was.

I survived in that world for 14 years enduring sexual, emotional and verbal abuse. I was intelligent, bright even. I received the accolades of my teachers and peers. I was involved. I was co-captain of the Color Guard, co-editor of the Yearbook. My SAT scores were top notch. I was in the “National Who’s Who of American High School Students”. I had options, ambitions and ability.

Yet, in my mind I wasn’t normal. I really didn’t understand why people liked me. I didn’t like myself and to make matters more complicated, I was now abusing myself. I kept up the appearance of surviving by conveniently ‘forgetting’ who I believed I was, with the assistance of illegal substances and many legalized ones. Through it all I was almost always viewed as a functioning and successful member of society.

Finally, I am here facing the truth of my past and starting to think and act less like a victim and more like a survivor. It’s not enough since I truly want to thrive, but I still don’t trust myself, don’t have any much self-confidence or understanding of the mindset with which I have been programmed.

What I do realize, there is another reality. There is a path for me. There is a reason to put an end to the mental beatings I give myself. I am examining all the years of my life. I examining the belief patterns formed in the earliest stages of my abuse. I examining the ten years of self-inflicted abuse and finally noticing the patterns I continue to promulgate.

The belief system in place is broken. I’ve begun replacing the parts of the system which are not compatible with the belief system I want., need in order to transmutate the struggle of surviving into thriving.

What I am finding is astonishing. The most basic realization is, I always have the responsibility for my happiness. I always have the power to choose my reaction.

I want to say I was never taught, but sadly, that is untrue, I ignored the teaching when it was offered. I was not ready, then.

Now, I am surrounding myself with people who live and own and use this, mine, theirs, our power.

I’m still a little stunned. I smile when I think of Me being powerful and responsible for the use of that power? ME?

I know it’s true.

I want to allow you into my thoughts, into my skin, if it were possible, as I learn, live, own and control my newfound power. I will dig around in my being and every now and again it could get muddy.

I am seeking the most ethical, honorable and true to self way of living my purpose. I am digging into my core to discern that purpose.

There are also practical matters to tend with and those will be discussed as well.

I am awakening to consciousness, slowly, steadily and my power is no longer dormant.