Holiday Survival–Accidental Gifts and World Peace

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes*

This month, Holmes and I, a spook and an author/belly dancer, are dedicated to easing your holiday tensions. Let’s take a look at what’s on your minds this season.

image by Whatlep, wikimedia commons

Nigel Blackwell is trying to figure out some efficient shopping approaches.

Here’s my problem, or at least the printable one. If I buy my daughter a razor scooter and accidentally buy an extra, adult sized one with the name “Nigel” written on the outside, what can I do to convince my wife it was an honest mistake?

And could the same excuse be used for anything taking a 9mm round?

Bayard:

I can’t see that any convincing would be needed. Spin it this way.

“Honey, you work so hard and do so much around the house for me and the kids that I wanted to make your holiday shopping easier. So I went shopping for myself. Look, dear. I even wrapped my gifts. You don’t need to worry about a thing.”

Also, if you go for the 9mm item, get a matching one for her. The family that shoots together . . . Well, I don’t know, but it works for us. And if she doesn’t like her matching 9mm gift, please send it to me. I’ll make sure it gets a good home. It’s win/win. Especially for me.

Holmes:

From those convoluted British sentences, I’m guessing you want a razor scooter and a 9mm pistol. It’s always best to settle any firearms questions during the dating process. I always recommend taking your sweetheart out for a couple of shooting lessons before the relationship gets too serious because if she is firearms phobic, it’s best to know before you tie the knot.

Given that your daughter’s old enough to want a scooter, I’m guessing that knot with your wife is already tied. I suggest you simply be honest with her and tell her you’re going to buy yourself a pistol for Christmas. If you think it’s going to be a problem, start by telling her you’re going to buy a scooter, a corvette, and a pistol, and then negotiate down to a pistol. You’re married, but you’re still a big boy. You get to have a pistol if you want one.

A pistol is a bit on the extravagant side, so maybe you should forego the scooter. As long as you’re careful, there’s less chance of you hurting yourself with the pistol than with the scooter. If your wife really resists on the pistol, do what I do to my wife. Offer her a month of sex at no charge. She’ll have a good laugh and then let you have your way.

Actual photo of Nigel’s wife on Christmas morning.

image from Tombraider

Shellie writes, “My brother-in-law asked for peace on earth. Is there any way Holmes can work that out for me?

Bayard:

Holmes’ wife tells me that he inspires her to see God at least a dozen times a week, but I don’t think she means he’s been given divine authority. So I wrote to President Obama and asked him to make Holmes his new Secretary of State as a step forward in this process. I have reason to think he might because he sent me a very personal email in response.

“Thank you for sharing your concern. Please be assured that I am concerned about your concern, and my administration is currently addressing your concern.”

Suppose he’ll be my Facebook friend now?

Holmes:

Thanks. I needed a good joke for the holiday season. If I could arrange world peace, I certainly would. I’ve lowered my expectations over the decades, though, and I’m now happy to have peace in my neighborhood.

Peaceable Kingdom by Edward Hicks

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*Piper Bayard is a belly dancer from way back and a recovering attorney with a university degree or two. She currently pens post-apocalyptic sci-fi and spy novels with Holmes when she isn’t shooting, SCUBA diving, or chauffeuring her children.

‘Jay Holmes’, is an intelligence veteran of the Cold War and remains an anonymous member of the intelligence community. Piper is the public face of their partnership.