Freddie Woo says: "I was young and desperate, she was older, divorced and was sick on me. Seemed an acceptable criticism at the time." Tell us about your one night stand disasters, or lie about your triumphs.

I wish it hadn’t happened but it did
We met online, got chatting, seemed to get on. She liked my news links & details of my terrific lifestyle in Milton Keynes; nights out at the ice rink, nights in with my homebrew, that sort of stuff. She seemed to be rather vain but it was so unusual for someone to show genuine interest in me that I thought we *had* to meet. After all, I hadn’t had a shag for a couple of years, since I’d moved departments at the NHS – being away from the admin work of the geriatric wards had reduced my opportunities to be charming & witty with the older ladies.

After a few months of messaging, she finally found a gap in her diary (she has a large circle of amazing friends, so is always busy) and we arranged to meet. It meant leaving the security of Milton Keynes, but having not been to London since a school trip in 1996 I was seen to see our majestic capital once again. I counted down the days, marking them off on my Dr Who calendar. Finally the day arrived. I ironed my best pants (Star Trek Next Generation in case you were wondering), polished my glasses, put on my best pleather jacket and headed down to "the smoke".

We met in a pub Kensington. I got there first, settled down in the corner with a half of mild (in my opinion not as good as the stuff I make myself) and flicked through the latest edition of Paperclip Monthly while I waited for her to arrive. When she turned up she looked a lot less attractive than I’d been led to believe and was certainly a lot chunkier and more ginger than I’d been hoping for, but I thought, I’m here now, I’ve got my Pizza Express voucher to use, so what the hell.

After a couple of drinks we decided to head off from the pub to get something to eat. Using my charm & wit I persuaded her to let me push the boat out & take her to Pizza Express. My word! What an appetite she had! I’ve never seen anyone polish off 8 large Fiorentina pizzas before. Plus 137 dough balls! I had my usual Margherita, washed down with a Peroni while she guzzled 4 bottles of Pinot Grigio. We chatted casually, she responded well to my anecdotes of my jet set career in the NHS and before we knew it two whole hours had past.

The effect of the two halves of mild & the Peroni were now making themselves known, so I wandered off to the gents. By the time I came back she’d paid the bill. I was a bit disappointed – I’d been looking forward to using my voucher in a different branch of my favourite posh restaurant. By now she was a bit tipsy – her cankles were wobbling as she tottered on her heels. Yes! This would be my chance. Outside the restaurant she took my arm and said “would you like to see the flat my dad bought for me? In truth it’s only half a flat, but I like it”.

We walked back to what turned out to be little more than a bedsit. Taking her in my arms (well, as much as I could – she was a big girl) we kissed. I tried my best to ignore her horrendous halitosis and started to walk to towards what looked like a bedroom door. I tried turning the handle – it was locked. “Oh not that one” she slurred, before taking my hand, “come in to the spare room”

We kissed again. It took all my strength to undo her bra and I felt quite queasy when these saggy, blue veined gigantic spaniels ears were revealed. We lay down on the spare bed & her breasts immediately flopped under her armpits. I persevered. Straining hard I slowly lifted her gunt & she wriggled out of her knickers. The smell. Oh my god. The smell. A little bit of Margherita came back up in to my mouth but I swallowed it back down and fumbled around trying to find her slack fishy minge. My now my peepee was starting to tingle, so I pushed both my inches towards I think was her vagina. But then I looked down. Ginger pubes! Arrgghhh! No! Straggly, ginger pubes going all the way down to her sweaty arse.

I could take no more. It had been one of the strangest days of my life, I’d put up with her vacuous tales of conveyancing, swallowed my pride when she paid for lunch and tried my best to do sex with her despite the physical challenges. I hauled my trousers on, grabbed my jacket and sprinted back to the station, desperate to get back to the comfort of Milton Keynes as fast as I could. Once home, I uncorked a bottle of homebrew to get over the experience and reflected on what had happened.

Years ago...
...I had to travel to the North East for work. I was due to be there for a couple of days, so my company had booked me into a reasonably priced hotel, however the client I was visiting was based a little way out of Newcastle city centre. And so it was that I found myself, on a wet Tuesday night, alone in the delightful surrounds of North Shields.

The hotel was a real Travel Tavern sort of place, and on this particular night was almost completely deserted. Bored out of my mind, I had little option but to trudge disconsolately up the A193 in search of a semi-decent pub. I wandered into the first one I found, and luckily it wasn't the kind of boozer where you get stabbed for looking at the pool table. In fact it was quite nice - they had a fire going and a range of local guest ales. I picked one at random and settled down in a quiet corner. Unfortunately I'd failed to check the strength of my chosen beverage (about 7.6% ABV, I later learned), so after about six pints, instead of being nicely fuzzy I was really quite hammered.

i got into trouble for posting this a few years ago, when my friend found it, and the mods had to delete it. so i'll try again, but this time with the names changed properly.
After we had all graduated university, two of my friends lily and rose decided to do a round the world trip. To make money for the trip, lily got a temporary job. On her very first day there, she met philip, and fell instantly in love. Philip was dark and handsome and he totally knew it. he was also newly graduated and working there for 6 months until his "real" job started in London. lily was gagging for it and every time she saw him, she looked like a tramp spying special brew through the Iceland window. Finally her chance came: a staff night out.

Having been plied with beer, philip succumbed to lily's charms (well, two of them) and they ended up snogging outside the restaurant. Drunkenly forgetting the fact that she had come on earlier than expected that evening, and her pants looked like a columbine classroom, she invited herself back to his place. He was a bit uncomfortable about taking her home, as he was still living with his parents, but was finally persuaded.

They crept into the house and only after they were almost going at it did she remember and tell him about the timing. Too far gone to care, he carried on. all was well, until her brain suddenly remembered a story about another friend of ours who'd had sex whilst wearing a tampon, and subsequently had to go to hospital to remove it, as she couldn't find the string. This unpleasant thought wormed its way into her brain until finally she had to tell him to stop. This didn't go down too well.

But it went down better than her next request. After a few minutes of grappling uselessly and drunkenly inside herself, she returned from the bathroom and said hopelessly, "I can't find it. You look for it." to give him credit, he did not run a mile from the glistening bloody cavern of death. He fished around politely, and finally located it. but instead of just loosening the string, he pulled out the whole thing and handed it to her. Nice.

After that, it didn't look to be happening. so lily decided she would perk things up a bit. Bending over and looking saucily over her shoulder, she offered him his first ever chance to become a poo pipe pirate. This had the desired effect, and he was rampant. But after a couple of thrusts, she was in agony, and yet again told the poor sod to stop. His frantically romantic offers of "a bit of Vaseline" did nothing for her, and eventually he stropped off to sleep on the floor.

Imagine waking up and remembering all that had happened, not with a boyfriend with whom you were very comfortable and familiar, but on your first time with a hot colleague. Then imagine the only thing that could make it worse… a tongue lapping enthusiastically at your scarlet crusted inner thighs. This was lily's alarm clock the morning afterwards. Perhaps philip hadn't been utterly repelled after all. except that his chin wasn't quite that hairy, and his tongue wasn't quite that wet…. It was the family's Yorkshire terrier, which had burrowed under the blankets.

The icing on the cake was looking up to see his mother framed in the doorway, looking in utter horror at the vampire strumpet in her precious son's bed, receiving a near rugmunch from the family dog.

When she told us all what had happened, we were too horrified to laugh. She asked plaintively if we thought there was any chance left with him. After a moment, my friend's boyfriend said what nobody else wanted to, "well i wouldn't be rushing back there."

Failed
It was one of those end-of-school parties and everyone was looking to cop off. Somehow I found myself with the lovely Liz. Pretty, pneumatic and with an '80s fringe you could cut cheese with, I had lusted after her for a while. She pinned me down on the sofa and stuck her tongue in my mouth. As she ground her hips against mine I tried to raise a hand to get a grope of her boobs, which in my mind always seemed to float about 6" away from her body. But she was lying right on top of me and my arms were pinned by my sides. So keeping my tongue rotating in her mouth to distract her I slowly inched my left hand up until, with my thumb, I managed to poke the side of one enormous breast. "That is so sexy", she whispered wetly in my ear, then stood up, took my hand and dragged me to the bedroom.

As was tradition, the bed was covered in coats, but luckly no shagging couples. She pushed me down on the bed and started snogging me again, and this time I had free access to her levitating tits. My erection was about bursting out of my tight white jeans(this was the '80s) and before I knew it Liz's hand strayed down, unzipped my flies and started massaging my trembling cock. I was convinced I was going to get a shag, or at least a blow job, when suddenly the door burst open and bastard Steve popped his head in. "Oi, Liz, are you coming with me or what?" Bastard Steve had a car, and Liz shouted back "Just a minute". Steve left, Liz looked at me wistfully, still holding my quivering erection and said "I can't leave you like that, can I?" She gave my cock a few quick and worryingly well-practised tugs, dodged the flying spunk, pecked me on the cheek, then ran after bastard Steve, leaving me flushed, open-mouthed and floppy-dicked on the pile of coats.

Post Scriptum: Next time I saw Liz, a couple of years later, she had become a female wrestler and could apparently crack walnuts with her biceps.
(Smaleis stuffed, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 11:43,
3 replies)

Had anybody done the 'nightstand' joke yet?
Only a nightstand is where you hide a chamber pot. That little table where you keep your mills and boon and your nhs false teeth isn't called anything, you dreadful climbing bourgeoisie.
(Dr. Shambolicje suis charlie, Mon 17 Mar 2014, 10:39,
33 replies)

My housemate turned up at 11am on Sunday morning and announced he had a new girlfriend, and we'd be meeting her that evening.
The only snag was that he'd drunk enough the previous night that he'd blacked out for a couple of hours, and couldn't remember anything much about her, not even her name.

So this was our mission; we were to meet her and her friends at the pub, and were going to engineer it so that she'd introduce herself to us - then when she went to the toilet we'd tell him his new girlfriend's name / any other basic info we could pick up. What could possibly go wrong?

Ten minutes after we arrived in the pub she was standing up with him in the upstairs bar screaming "YOU DON'T KNOW MY FUCKING NAME, DO YOU?!?!" and slapping him hard in the face, again, and again and again. The other thirty or forty people sitting around us; friends, acquaintances, strangers, were all sitting silently, trying to stifle their laughter.

That was the end of that relationship.
(Zuowan, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 11:26,
17 replies)

Manage to pull at a house party, proceeded to get up to all sorts despite being pissed up. Feeling pretty smug I was, until I went for a piss, turned the bathroom light on and caught a glimpse of coco the carnivorous sex clown in the mirror. Ah, that's why she tasted of aluminium down there.
(Amberleaf, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 20:02,
9 replies)

we met in a Boots
I asked her if this cream would help my genital warts. she said she'd ask her teacher the next day. She was my ideal woman, hair like ripe avocados, and an anus that could hold a beach umberella in a gale. I knew that a woman like that would have to be romanced, so I asked her if she'd like to have my fuck missile explode in her ham silo. She said she wasn't into star wars, but she'd give me a titwank for an oyster card.As soon as we got in the door she had her hand down my pants. I had to walk back and force her to drop my wallet. She asked me if I had ever made love to the Bolero, I said I preferred Dale's Supermarket Sweep. She was like a gymnast in bed. Fourteen. We started with a rusty trombone, then a cleveland steamer, and finally a kidderminster shagpiledriver that dislocated my wrist. She asked me to treat her mean so I told her she had the dress sense of a bosnian refugee. I gave her multiple organisms and she made me sleep in the wet spot. She touched me in places no woman had touched me before, like my duodenum. Sometimes, in some situations, I'm instantly transported back to that night, such as when I see a swan choking to death on mayonaisse
(cumquat mayNow with 20% more cum, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 11:07,
7 replies)

Assumption is the mother of all fuckups.
Picture the scene.

In a grotty pub called The Station House in Chingford North London I am very drunk. This is not particularly unusual. Most of my friends have disappeared to various corners or headed home after a long evening.

I'm leaning dangerously on the bar when I strike a conversation with a young lady. Drinks are purchased and somehow I convince her to come back to my place.

As we are getting all hot and heavy I decide that things need a little helping hand and so delve into my bedside drawer to find some lube. Scrabbling round in the dark my sweaty mitts clamp down upon a metallic squeeze tube. I apply a liberal amount to my Johnson and plough away.

After about thirty seconds I feel a strange tingling sensation on my hands. Knowing that it was the Durex tingle lubricant that I had purchased I was not duly alarmed by this and as the young lady appeared to be thoroughly enjoying herself I continued.

After about two minutes of her panting becoming steadily more erratic and breathless she began to complain of a burning sensation. Thirty second later and a sentence is uttered that will go to my grave with me.

"fuck me my cunts burning". she dives off me and asks where the shower is. I show her and leave her to attempt to cool her throbbing loins.

At this moment, having flicked on my bedroom light, I realise the problem. In my haste I had forgotten that I kept a small tube of deep heat in my bedside drawer for use the morning after a rugby match.

Suffice to say in my drunken state I had just used deep heat as lube.

The poor girl in the shower was no in tears and borderline hysterical. I phoned NHS direct and asked what I should do and they said that a trip to A and E may be advisible. Unable to drive the lady told me to call 999.

Having loaded a stricken, half naked hysterical girl into his ambulace the Paramedic asked me to explain just how the injuries happened. I explained to him and he laughed so hard he went purple and I thought I would have to call an ambulance for him. I had to fetch him a glass of water before he could drive. off.

I did offer to accompany her to the hospital but she'd already called her mum to meet her there and didn't think it would be a good idea.

I did call to apologise a couple of times but she never came back to me.
(kickstandrichlast had sex with your mum/sister/wife/daughter on, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 18:40,
5 replies)

MASSIVE MINGE
I had taken an unwise amount of acid. She had the hairiest minge I have ever seen

Delurking to tell you about the time I worked at a TV news station
It was, to be quite frank, a pretty awful gig. Long hours, shit pay and most of the women who worked backstage were about as attractive as a fart in a spacesuit. Add to that the unpleasant hours we worked - early morning news, midday news, evening news and the news at midnight, all of which I had to be there for, being as I was the man in charge of the boom mike.

Just one of these factors would have been enough to ruin my aspirations of maintaining a social life, but in conjunction they totally fucked any chance of being able to escape the studio for anything more than a quick shit or a hot meal. It got so bad we had little cubicles with beds just behind the set so we could catch a nap or two between airings.

The only exception to this were the news presenters. Those plastic fucks were helicoptered in fifteen minutes beforehand, given a quick polish by the makeup team to stop the wrinkles from showing and bussed onto the set with all the arse-sucking sycophantry you'd expect.

I hated those bastards. Especially Samuel motherfucking Thanes, twuntbelcher supreme, he of the fake teeth and robot hair. You know the kind of person who would bum his grandmother for a brief second of fame? I knew the kind of person, and that person was Mr. Samuel shitbishop Thanes.

On the day of this tale, I was trying desperately to wake up from a fairly pleasant kip in one of the studio beds, just in time for the morning broadcast, when I became dimly aware of someone standing, hands on hips, at the side of the bed. Fuck, what was the time?"I'm up, I'm up..." I spat, blearily, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

"Good, I need a decent fuck."

What.

Enter into this equation Jenny, one of our resident makeup artists. Jenny was not unattractive, but given her mastery of hiding glaring character flaws under foundation, mascara and other facial products I couldn't even begin to name, I was wary. No one in the studio had ever seen her without makeup, and given that she seemed to apply her fake face with a trowel and a cement mixer, general consensus was that she must have been either cock-shrivellingly mingtastical underneath or hiding prodigious scars.As the world came into focus, it was indeed Jenny who was standing in my cubicle, wearing nothing but a pair of unfeasibly high heels and enough makeup to choke a horse. She was slimmer than I'd expected, and although she was of a very slight build, she had quite an impressive set of upper frontal buttocks, in retrospect almost certainly fake. A rhinestone encrusted bellybutton piercing was the cherry on the low-rent porn actress cake. Anyhow, as I sat up in bed, mouth agape, she turned the lock on the door.

"Erm-" I began, but Jenny had taken two quick steps to the bed and lept astride me.

"Sam couldn't get it up this morning," She offered as way of explanation, as she mimed taking a snort of something off an outstretched finger. Wait, Sam? SAMUEL FUCKING SHITBASTARD THANES!!! I was only stopped from screaming his name skywards by Jenny suddenly grabbing my cock through my jeans.

"Looks like you can, though," she whispered in my ear, beginning to unbutton my fly with deft hands. I was torn between triumph at having beaten SAMUEL CUNTNUGGET THANES at erections and despair at being reduced to Jenny's reserve fuck option.

I was brought back to matters closer to home when Jenny forcefully whipped off my jeans and undergarments with a single, decisive pull, setting my cock free and bouncing its turgid length against my stomach. She grinned like a shark eyeing up a slab of tuna.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS HE?"

"I'll get him!" Jenny shouted back, as she wrapped a manicured hand around my shaft with a vice-like grip and began to slowly trace a line along the bottom of my cock with the very tip of her tongue, working her way to the head.

"TEN SECONDS! WHERE THE FUUUUUUUUUUUCK IS THAT BOOM MIKE?!?"

I weighed up the options and despite a fairly substantial part of my brain telling me to say "fuck it" and leave things well enough alone, I quickly pushed Jenny's head away from my groin and instead grabbed the boom mike. I made sure it was plugged in and switched on and stood up on the bed - or at least, I tried to, because Jenny still hadn't relinquished her death-grip on my todger.

"Leggo my cock!" I hissed at her through clenched teeth, and with an exaggerated pout she finally released my swollen member. I stood unsteadily on the cheap IKEA mattress and popped the boom mike over the set wall at full extension.

"FUCKING FINALLY! DOWN A BIT, DOWN A BIT, LEF- MY LEFT YOU DAFT CU- THERE! DON'T FUCKING MOVE IT! LIVE IN FIVE, FOUR..."

I was left standing on my bed with my arms above my head holding the very end of the handle as the shaft of the very heavy boom mike rested on the set wall, suspending the mike in mid air above the set, with nothing on but my shirt and my socks - not the most comfortable position, but as long as I could hold still for the next 15 minutes I'd get away with it.

I was immediately reminded of the flaw in this plan when Jenny slipped between my legs and grabbed my cock again. I looked down to see her smiling her shark grin again.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I mouthed at her, trying to maintain my balance with her weight shifting the mattress.

"This." she whispered back, as she sucked my balls into her mouth and began to make long, slow strokes with her hands on my shaft.

"Good morning, I'm Sarah Fordsworth -"

"And I'm Samuel Thanes-"

I ground my teeth as I heard that arsecunt's name. Jenny pulled her mouth away from my now glistening scrotum with an audible pop.

"You know, he always talks in the third person? Even when we fuck, for fuck's sake." She said. The thought of SAMUEL SHITCUNTBASTARDWANKFUCK THANES naked nearly rendered me instantly flaccid but my hard on was saved as Jenny wrapped her lips around the head of my cock and began to show some significant skill with her tongue.

"Stop talking about him, please," I whispered, sweat beading my brow as I attempted to maintain the boom mike's altitude. I felt her giggle in reply as she looked up at me, her cheek bulging with cock as she playfully tilted her head to one side whilst she stroked what she hadn't fit in her mouth. I mouthed the word 'careful' to her.

In reply, she grabbed hold of my arse with both hands and swallowed, gagging as she choked down the last few inches. I damn near lost my grip on the boom mike as I slid into her gullet, feeling her throat clench as she gagged, her lips wrapped around the base of my cock.

Jenny's skill became readily apparent as she gripped my buttocks harder and began to fuck herself with my cock, pulling her head back quickly before shoving her mouth down over my length again, gagging on my tool as it speared her throat over and over. I trembled in the face of this onslaught, fighting tooth and nail to keep the boom mike steady as Jenny fucked her own face with my cock, stopping briefly every now and then to draw breath before feeding the entire length back into her esophagus.

After a few minutes of this she paused to look up at me, her lips pressed tightly against the base of my shaft, her throat full of my cock. She was a mess, her mascara had run in thick, wet streams down her cheeks, her chin and neck covered in a torrent of that peculiar thick drool which always results when deepthroating is to be had. My cock jumped a little in excitement at the sight of her in such a state, and I felt her giggle as she winked again.

Jenny renewed her efforts with even greater vigour, swallowing repeatedly as she finished each stroke with my length wedging her throat open. I desperately tried to dampen the vibrations she was causing in the both of us, but the boom mike was starting to sway erratically in increasingly large movements as I teetered on the edge of a powerful climax.

Suddenly, Jenny slammed herself down on my cock and stayed down, pulling me into her face with her hands as she choked and gagged. I grimaced as I desperately held back, knowing that if I came I would probably turn myself inside out and drop the boom mike over the wall. Jenny had other plans, though, and she showed me what they were by slipping her tongue between cock and lip to run it over my balls. But even this new sensation was not enough.

"Nope!" I hissed through gritted teeth. I knew I would lose, but damn it if I wouldn't make her fight for it.

In reply, Jenny swallowed hard once more, released one hand and with superhuman effort used it to slip my ballsack into her mouth as well, sliding the very final inch of my cock into her throat as she smiled (as much as she could, anyway) in triumph.

"FFfffffffffffff-" My eyes bulged as I drew the hardest breath I could ever remember. Every single fiber of my being screamed to hold back as I balanced on a razor-edge of pleasure, my cock pulsing and twitching like mad inside this filthy, freaky, mascara-streaked girl. With that, she swallowed again, the wet velvet glove of her throat pulling a long, luxurious stroke along my cock.

And in that perfect moment of clarity as the wave of my climax crashed upon me and everything went silent, I heard it.

"I'm Sarah Fordsworth -"

"And I'm Samuel Thanes-"

"THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANES!" I howled, throwing my head back as Jenny choked and spluttered on a sizable donation of hot manfat being deposited directly into her stomach as she swallowed desperately. I let go of the boom mike and grabbed her head behind the ears, holding her in place as I emptied myself into her throat.

On the other side of the set wall, Samuel shitwankingbastardfucking Thanes looked up in alarm to see who was screaming his name. Just in time for the very heavy boom mike to complete the arc of it's decent as it swung into his face with a significant amount of momentum behind it. Samuel fucknuggetshitgargler Thanes screamed like a kicked hamster as the tip of the boom mike punched neatly though the foam muffler on its end and speared him in the right eye. Samuel fartsmugglertwatburglar Thanes then stumbled around the set on a live broadcast, clutching his ruined face and screaming as he sprayed jets of claret everywhere.

And that, my friends, is why Jenny and I lost our jobs. It was a direct result of our one-eyed Sam broadcaster I REGRET NOTHING
(DarkLiteswallowed my entire undercarriage, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 9:01,
15 replies)

I used to work in a branch of a well known electronics retailer.
Turnover was down, Currys had opened next door and when they merged with PC World we were on our arses. Rumours of closure were rife and morale was lower than a prolapsed clunge. Our manager asked for ideas to save the store and I came up with what I thought was a novel one. There was a discount card shop next door which did very good trade. I suggested to my boss that on special occassions we put bunches of flowers across our front to make it one stop for the card buyers. There wasn't a florists within a mile. Just in time for Valentine's day a van-load of blooms was delivered and I put them on display. Sure enough, they went like hot cakes and we sold the lot by 8pm closing time. We made an extra seven hundred pounds profit. And that was just for one night's Tandy's asters.
(edjogsCollared doves are shit., Mon 17 Mar 2014, 19:26,
5 replies)

A nice cod feeeesh
Not really a disaster, possibly a triumph. I got into the habit of nailing a welsh gothic type bird every now and again. On the first occasion, I went down south to pay a visit to fishguard, at which point she candidly instructed me, in her welsh accent, to "put four fingers in and aim for my belly button". I duely obliged and ended up with a face full of clearish warm squirt much too my delight and surprise. I triumphantly yelled "yes, finally a fucking squirter", at which point she got rather annoyed, and told me she found term "squirter" to be rude and offensive. The fucking hypocrisy, she had, rather crassly instructed me "to put four fingers in and aim for the belly button", then, without warning projected some form of salty barley water from her foo foo valve directly into my eyes, but finds the term "squirter" offensive.

Anyway I apologised, we got over the squirt based faux pas and as I recall the night culminated in me getting a memorable pokey bum bj. Anyway I digress. Sometime inbetween the vag splash and bum poking, she asked if I had baby oil. Not being in the habit of cooking infants I did not possess any such oil, but told her I had olive oil in the kitchen. I went down stairs bollocko and at full mast, so left the lights off so as not to petrify the neighbours, and grabbed the oil. The oil went everywhere, a good time was had, at which point I fell asleep. When I woke in the morning I realised, in the darkness id grabbed the crisp 'N' dry rather than the olive oil.

My mattress, resembling a Jackson pollock owing to the copius amount of crisp n dry, quim, giz, blood, shit etc went to the tip that same afternoon. I am still known to my friends to this day as "crisp n dry" after recoiling the story in the pub that evening. The end.
(Custurd chucker, Mon 17 Mar 2014, 1:53,
7 replies)

We met at a party, we went back to mine and had sex, slept the night, and in the morning she left, as we politely and insincerely told each other we should do it again some time.
I then went about the day's business, which that week required me going up to Manchester for a couple of days to see my mate.

On my return, my frazzled flatmates told me of the 40+ 'phone calls they'd fielded, each slightly more aggressive, and then suicidal than the last.

On cue, the 'phone then rang, which I answered, to a screaming voice demanding 'Where the FUCK have you been?! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WHERE YOU WERE?! YOU DON'T LOVE ME!'

Susan
I was 17 and at a strange pub, my mates hadn't turned up - something told me I was meant to be in anther pub with the same name in an neighbouring town. This was before mobile phones so I had no way of phoning and finding out where the fuck they were. As I was finishing my 3rd or 4th pint and as I was deciding to go home I spotted her.

Susan was sitting on a bar stool and she smiled as I glanced at her. I smiled back. And so it went for a few minutes. Susan got up and came over and sat with me. We made small talk - I got some more drinks - the hours seemed to fly by - her leg was glancing mine. Was it an accident - I rubbed my leg against hers and she smiled. Next thing was her hand stroking my leg and inner thigh. I held her hand and guided to where my erection was bulging in my pants. I was moist as she stroked my bulge. Susan said t was her time of the month so she culd give me a blow job or I could try anal with her.

I suggested we made a move - she said she had her own car and knew a quite spot. On the way out I popped into the gents and purchased some rubber friends not believing my luck. We drove to a deserted industrial estate and parked in the pitch black. I pulled off her top - Susan undid her bra after my several failed attempts. Her tits were massive and I slobbered all over them attempting to find her erect nipples - I suckled hard. Susan pulled off my jacket and t-shirt and undid my belt - I pulled down my trousers and underpants at the same time. Susan held my cock and started tugging before she went down and gave me one of the best blow jobs I had had until then - OK it was my first blow job - Susan sucked and pulled with her lips rubbed her tongue over my tip, sucked my balls and stuck her tongue up my backside - she started pulling my bum cheeks apart before sticking in first one then two then three fingers and began probing my rear exit - did I object - at first but she reassured me I would enjoy it. with fingers deep inside me I exploded in her mouth - Susan holding her cum in my mouth kissed me and then forced her tongue into my mouth so I was tasting my own jizz. I had a queasy feeling about this and wondered how on earth I was going to brag to my mates about this depraved behaviour.

Susan said she was disappointed I had cum so soon as she wanted me to fuck her - I said lets wait half an hour and try again - so she fondled my by then flaccid cock while I continued to paw and slobber over her tits. Gradually I got my erection back and Susan began to suck me off again. I pulled out a condom and fumbled to stick it on - but Susan took over and rolled it on me. She pulled out some KY jelly and smothered my rubber wrapped cock. Susan told me to lay back in the reclined car seat and shut my eyes as she was going to lower herself down on me. Susan said to push up when she told me and push after push I tried to penetrate and after several slippy escapes I finally impaled my hard cock up her rear end and we pushed against each other. I groped her tits as her arse bounced up and down on me.

And this is where my depraved one night stand became a nightmare - as I started to cum I moved my hands down to where her minge should be. Instead I groped Susan's hard cock and balls - I let out a yell of shock as I was cuming up Susans rear end. Susan pulled herself off me and wiped herself down and began to get dressed. I dressed as quickly as possible and asked to be driven home - I sat in shocked silence.

Earlier in the evening I had given Susan my phone number. We met up most Friday evenings after that...
(Big Ted, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 15:59,
13 replies)

one-night stop
getting extremely passionate with a bloke i'd picked up one night, we learned a very important lesson: no matter how much you want a shag, DO NOT take your pants off at the top of the stairs.a slip, a lot of clattering, banging, bouncing and swearing, a ride in an ambulance and 6 hours in a&e followed. my unlucky gentleman friend landed himself a broken arm, a fractured collarbone and a great many scrapes and bruises.and me? all i got was bruises, due to landing on something soft, namely him.length? never did get to find out :(
(Smash Monkeyis going off the rails on a crazy train, Sat 15 Mar 2014, 17:11,
6 replies)

Oh well I'm the type of guy who will never settle downWhere pretty girls are well, you know that I'm aroundI kiss 'em and I love'em 'cause to me they're all the sameI hug 'em and I squeeze 'em they don't even know my nameThey call me the wanderer, yeah the wandererI roam around around around...

Oh well there's Flo on my left and there's Mary on my rightAnd Janie is the girl with that I'll be with tonightAnd when she asks me which one I love the bestI tear open my shirt I got Rosie on my chest'Cause I'm the wanderer, yeah the wandererI roam around around around...

Oh well I roam from town to townI go through life without a care'Til I'm as happy as a clownWith my two fists of iron and I'm going nowhere

I'm the type of guy that likes to roam aroundI'm never in one place I roam from town to townAnd when I find myself a-fallin' for some girlI hop right into that car of mine and ride around the worldYeah I'm the wanderer, yeah the wandererI roam around around around...

Oh yeah I'm the type of guy that likes to roam aroundI'm never in one place I roam from town to townAnd when I find myself a-fallin' for some girlI hop right into that car of mine and ride around the worldYeah 'cause I'm a wanderer yeah a wandererI roam around around around...'Cause I'm a wanderer, yeah a wandererI've got twenty five children and every STI known to man
(drimblemoderate or good, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 19:12,
Reply)

The only time I ever got a stranger home..
The girl was beginning to undress, and I went to switch off the light, when she suddenly stopped and stared and shouted "what the fuck is that!?"That was my Nun Lightstand.
(browserstill relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 15:26,
1 reply)

I've not had many one night stands
but one of the few I did resulted in an awkward moment when I was moving downwards for a bit of munching fun and was confronted by some white string and an embarassed "OH GOD, I forgot I had my period! Sorry!"

Followed by her actually leaping up, shoving her coat on and literally running out the door and up the road, never to be seen again.
(watashi-waEvenin'!, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 13:30,
1 reply)

Not a disaster per sé
But certainly memorable.

Was a young, virulent 22 year old at the time. Had just graduated from Sussex uni having a remarkably uneventful sex life of 3 shags in 3 years. Not what I had expected Uni to be (where were the queues of nymphos!?).

Anyway, I graduate and move back up to London. But it's a mates birthday back in Brighton September so of I trot to retread old drinking grounds with mates. But alas, there's a new girl there, she's alright she is. So you know, I start making my moves and he doesn't run away (probably due to the broken toe she has). Some drinks are shared and then someone drops a glass on her broken toe. Whoops. Not me (honest). So I take her to the first aid tent like the gentleman I am and offer to get walk/carry her home. The medical officer's first response is "Do you know this boy, love?". Thanks for that. But she agrees and I do the gentlemanly thing I walk her to the door. Kiss goodnight, leads to other things which was lovely. Admittedly it's hard to pick a position with someone in a foot cast. But you make do. Morning comes and we part ways with the standard awkward affair.

The next weekend comes by and I'm back down in Brighton to see some of the same mates. We cheer my heroics from the weekend before, what a legend I am, eh? Until my mate bursts out laughing and points out she had just got engaged that very morning. Whoops.
(Flabberghasted, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 10:13,
8 replies)

This qotw is genuinely the one and only time I wish psychochomp was still posting.

One Night in Hong Kong
A couple of years ago I went on holiday to Hong Kong. One night I ended up in a bar and pulled a Filipino bird. We got a taxi back to my hotel. By that time of the night I was pretty drunk and knackered. Not wanting to disappoint her, during the taxi ride back to my hotel I popped a little blue pill I'd picked up from a "traditional" Chinese pharmacy just in case of this situation occurring.

We got back to the hotel and got down to business. She was young, lithe and would've easily got my soldier standing to attention without the medicinal aid I'd used regardless of how drunk I was. Eventually she left, she was a domestic helper and had to return to her employers ready to start back at work the next day.

Being rather sweaty now after the fun we'd just had, I decided to clean myself up. I went into the bathroom, ran the taps and jumped in the tub. Unfortunately by this point the drunkenness combined with the relaxing-ness of the hot bath meant I quickly found myself needing the toilet. Adding to that I was still sporting an erection that would put a horse to shame well... long story short, I pissed in my own mouth.
(danishbaconis haram yes?, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 22:53,
13 replies)

not me, but the guy i wasted almost my entire 3 years of university dating (let's call him oswald. because his real name was even dumber)
our halls were comprised of flats. about halfway through the first term, my flatmate decided we needed to invite the other flats in the block to the pub, so we did. i'd seen Oswald around, but never really spoken to him. that night we got on very well, and eventually ended up in his room having a late night beer and chat (nothing happened for a few more weeks. perhaps because of what happened next).

I asked him idly why there were no sheets on his bed. he pointed to where they were crumpled in the corner of the room. I was expecting him to say that he hadn't got up in time for the laundry van or something, but no. no, he said:

"you know that little mate of Emily's with the bright red hair, nicky*? well, I shagged her and she came on all over them halfway through."

this would be gross enough now (not so much the coming on, can't really be helped I guess, but KEEPING THEM IN THE CORNER OF YOUR ROOM? URRRGH, THERE WAS A LAUNDRETTE NEXT DOOR), but I was 18 and innocent. I nearly died of shock.

* her name was nicky burrow, and I promptly renamed her "sticky furrow" which stuck for the rest of the 3 years.
(rachelswipewith a fork, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 19:06,
1 reply)

By the second gig I'd given up and gone back to holding the microphone myself.