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Sunday, February 24, 2013

In a previous post I wrote how me having sex with other people enriches my life and our relationship. Being at the other side of the equation, however, has proven quite difficult for me. I felt hurt, confused and very disappointed in myself.

Including other people

Until recently, including other people in our relationship meant that a man (or a woman) and Mr Reg would play or have sex with me. In some cases Mr Reg was present, in other cases I would be alone and share my experience with him afterwards.

Moving the scale

In looking for other people to play with, we met a couple online that was looking for other couples or a single female slave. One of the questions the Dominant asked me, was how I would feel if my Master would fuck his slave. I answered him that I had never experienced that but that the thought scared the hell out of me. We never made it past the emailing stage with this couple, but it got me thinking. A lot. A seed was planted. How would I feel if Mr Reg would fuck someone else? He lets me do that. He wants me to do that. He tells me to do that. Maybe I would like it as much as he likes watching me with somebody else? Why did it scare me? Was I afraid the other woman would be better than me? A nicer person? More beautiful? More skilled in bed? Easier to get along with? Younger than me? I am in a more vulnerable position than he is because of our power dynamic: Mr Reg can say at anytime that he wants me to stop doing something and I will. Whereas all I can do is tell him that it doesn't feel right and then I have to wait and see how he reacts to that. He has the power to ignore that. And I would accept that. Of course we talked a lot about this. And he isn't in the habit of ignoring my feelings at all. He takes my feelings very seriously. I told Mr Reg that apart from feeling scared or threatened I was also intrigued and curious.

Watching him play

After a while we met another couple. This time we did move matters further. When the four of us met for play, Mr Reg tied up both me and the other submissive and used his whip and other implements on her. He touched her sexually. I am not a sadist and do not enjoy to see or hear others in pain, but seeing pain being inflicted by Mr Reg is different. I really enjoyed watching him in action and liked talking with her afterwards about him and what he does and why. To see him through her eyes, see her admiration and notice the things I have gotten used to. And I love seeing the expression on my husbands face when he is enjoying himself. I was very proud to be his slave.

Watching him come

The next time we met with them the nature of the play changed. Not only did Mr Reg make her come (and her Dom made me come), they both used her to come themselves. They fucked her together and made her suck their cock. They did not use me for that. I felt rejected. Not ignored, mind you. I had received plenty of attention during the evening. But I felt useless. I felt hurt. I felt like something was stolen from me. And I was really disappointed with myself. How could I feel like that after all the attention I had all the other times with other people? I felt selfish. They are very nice and they really wanted to experience something like this. I felt childish. Thinking about it made me feel insecure. I thought I was over all this. Why did all these feelings of insecurity come back, just because of a sexual act? Because of an evening that was really nice, an evening with a great couple that I really like? At the same time, I enjoyed the experience. Mr Reg enjoying another woman makes him very desirable to me. It made me want him very very badly. And being rejected puts me at my place. Which is something I really need. If I am not put at my place every once and a while, I become arrogant and complacent. Being rejected also makes me vulnerable and completely at his mercy. Which is the best feeling in the world, strange as that may sound.

Something dawned on me

The weeks following our date I talked to several friends about this. Some reacted to my hurt part and were sympathetic and considerate. Others laughed at me for being selfish or childish. I think their reaction was a good reflection of my own feelings, but it did not really help me in understanding my overly strong reaction. And I am still not sure why I felt so hurt. Although over the last couple of days I have come to realize two things: I am really into pleasing people. Sexually pleasing controlling or dominant people. Being pleased myself usually comes second and mainly as something I like because the other person wants me to be pleased. Hence my strong reaction to them using only her, and not me. The other realization is much scarier, it scares me to death: Mr Reg could meet someone he likes better. Or he could grow tired of me. And then leave. Of course, this was always true. Regardless of what we did that evening. That is not the scary part. The scary part is that I got a tiny, little preview of how I would feel if that would ever happen. I would be devastated. And completely lost.

Next?

I don't know what happens next. I would like to explore these feelings further. I don't want us to stop playing with other couples. Besides, I want to do whatever Mr Reg wants to do. I don't want him to change his ways on my account. I want to grow and not be insecure. I want to be happy for him because he can have new experiences, just like he lets me have them. I want to know what he likes in others to learn more about him. But most of all I want to be with him for as long as I can. And enjoy each other and the world around us. Including other people. Both of us (...I think).

Saturday, February 9, 2013

This is a difficult question for me. Not because I don't have any early experiences that hint at my kinks. There are plenty. But because I am not sure what the point of sharing them is supposed to be. Which makes it difficult to pick any. Let me give it a try anyway.

An early experience

There is one vivid memory that comes to mind when people ask me about this. I must have been around 8 or 9. We lived in an area with a lot of young families where the children played outside in the neighborhood all the time. The group we hung out with varied in age from 3-12 years. We played soccer, hide and seek, built stuff from wood and old bikes, created bows and arrows to play 'cowboys and Indians' etc. The older boys were usually 'in charge' and decided what we would do. That day we played a game where we made plastic tubes with paper arrows. The arrows could be shot at someone or something by blowing in the tube. We were split in two groups and the older boys had captured us. We were told to stand against the wall. They would shoot an arrow at one of us and that would set that person free. In hindsight this games sounds not that innocent and rather malicious. At the time we did not like it too much either. It was bordering on bullying obviously. But that's beside the point. What I remember is the excitement I felt. Not sexual excitement but the thrill of the uncertainty of what would happen, the power of the older boys, the situation. I felt vulnerable, subdued and excited at the same time. Of course nothing bad happened, they shot some paper arrows and let us go and everybody forgot about it. Except me... and maybe some of them?

Kinks

To me this memory hints at some of my current kinks: being controlled, pain and being restrained. The relevance of this particular experience is small in my opinion. Except to illustrate the fact that it started early as part of me, not as a result of a trauma. My kinky side is a natural variation of main-stream
sexuality and something that is engrained in my personality. Obviously other people do experience some
type of trauma that causes them to develop kinks or other coping mechanisms. But honestly, I am not that interested in why somebody is kinky. I am interested in what way somebody experiences it and if and how people integrate it in their daily routine. But now this question is out of the way and I can move on to more relevant topics :)

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Discovering my kinky self feels like a journey, like discovering a continent and exploring its beautiful and harsh parts over a period of decades. As I wrote in day 1, I am always in the process of defining my kinky self. So far it has been an interesting adventure.

I am different

When I was a about 10 or 11 years old I loved a science fiction book in which the aliens forced the humans to work for them and in which they would beat them with an implement that felt like a sharp whip if they did work hard enough. I loved movies in which people were punished physically and women were captured by fierce men. I did not try to label these feelings, but I never told anybody about my preferences either. Somehow I felt I was different.

Other people are different too

Once I hit puberty I started to read about SM, the common term in those days. It excited me and it made me realize that more people were like me. I remember one thing very clearly from those days: I was 13 and we were in a sexual education class in school. The girls and boys were separated and we discussed sexuality, homosexuality and other practices. Homosexuality was accepted by most of my peers. I stated that I expected SM to be viewed in the same way in a couple of decades (this was 30 years ago). They all looked at me in horror and disbelieve and vehemently disagreed with me. In hindsight, I guess they were right. But then again, maybe the success of Fifty shades of Grey is starting to prove otherwise ;) However, this was the time where I discovered that other people were different too, just like me...

It is part of me

I practiced BDSM with my boyfriend when I was in college. I never responded to any attempt from his side to talk about it, we just did it. I enjoyed it very much, but I was busier thinking about whether I was
bisexual or not than interested in a label for my submissive side. He liked to use me and to do things I now label as 'sadistic' or 'dominant'. It felt very natural to me and it resulted in very hot sex. It was a part of me.
After we split up, I met Mr Reg. As I have said before, in the beginning of our marriage we were a vanilla couple without so much as a hint of kink. This changed five years ago. Mr Reg started it. Again I did not discuss it. It felt natural and I was very happy it was back in my life. It had become part of me again, and even part of us.

We are part of kink

Two and a half years ago Mr Reg took me to meet another dominant. It was a first of many things: subspace, being in a dungeon, being hit by another man in front of Mr Reg. After this experience we started to discuss our relationship and we started to meet like minded people. It was the first time I started talking about it, about my feelings, my fantasies, dream, fears, sex. I felt and still feel liberated. Like somebody finally opened the door and let me go outside in the sunlight. After being cooped inside for way too long. Starting in the garden, being overwhelmed. Moving outside, to the street and beyond. Now I am out and about in the world of kink, discovering both the people in it and myself at the same time. Feeling very much part of it.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

The other day a friend asked me how many people I've had sex with in my life. I could not reproduce the number off the top of my head and started to count. I told him that in the last five years I've had sex with 2 women and 10 men (5 in a gang bang) and in my entire life with 3 women and 20 men. I am not counting kissing or fumbling. We talked about how many women he has 'on his list' and discussed whether having a lot of experience is a good thing, a source of frustration or depression, or a sign of insecurity. It was a brief conversation on whatsapp, but it got me thinking. I remembered two more men. I decided to make an actual list to make sure I can recall every single person I've had sex with. The official statistic right now: 26 men
(5 of them in a gang bang) and 3 women. At a dinner conversation a couple of days later the list came up again. The girl confessed her list was much longer than mine but that she was now in a monogamous relationship with her Dom/lover. The conversation we had at that dinner about polyamory and open relationships inspired me to this blog post.

Being a slut

You might wonder why I made the distinction between my entire life and the past five years. The answer is simple: I slept with a lot of men (and a woman) before I was married, looking for something or someone. Feeling acknowledged and worth while if someone had sex with me. Trying to remedy insecurities about my looks, avoiding being alone, being angry with my boyfriend or just being plain drunk. Most of the sex was disappointing, not because of my partners but because of my own motives. Some stand out in a positive way, of course, but in general my sex life sucked because I did not like nor understand myself.

Being married

After Mr Reg and me got married we were monogamous for a long time (12 years) and we did not practice BDSM or any other kinks. We were the average couple. Five years ago this all changed. We moved from a vanilla relationship to a D/s and then, two years ago, to a M/s relationship.

Including other people

Mr Reg likes me to have sex with other men (and women). And I am supposed
to enjoy it. At first I was apprehensive. It reminded me of the past and my previous self. And I was not looking
for anything anymore. I am happy with our relationship, so why go through all the trouble. I liked having sex
with other people if he was there, but mainly because it was a form of pleasing him. After a while I started to allow myself to enjoy it, enjoy the newness, the feeling of different hands on my body. A different body to get close to, different reactions to my touch and things I say or do. Allowing myself to enjoy the physical experience and the excitement of a new person with a different view on life. Now I am at a stage where I relish meeting new people both because of their body and their personality. They enrich my life, spice it up and make me feel appreciated. But every encounter also makes me appreciate Mr Reg more. Both because he lets me have this rich life and because it makes me realize he is the person I want to be with and whom I love.

Label

Are we swingers? No not really. We look for more than just casual sex with random other couples. Polyamorous? I don't know, maybe. So far the friendships have not evolved to love. In an open relationship? No not really, I am owned. But then again I can look for my own friends or partners, as long as I run it by Mr Reg. So I don't know what our relationship should be called. I do know that I am no longer looking for something but I that I have found a lot. More than I could ever have imagined. And I like it. To put it mildly ;)