Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

At some point in my life, when my needs could not be fulfilled, I have wished to be wired differently, not to crave it so much. I would then withdraw away from sexuality as well, because being sexual would trigger the other needs, and that was painful. Now that I have fulfilling relationships including kink and D/s, I do not see it as a difficulty anymore, but as something that adds a precious dimension to my life. Of course, that makes me all the more different from the average people around me who are neither queer, nor polyamorous, nor kinky. But that also provides me with a different perspective on things. That does not make more intelligent (!), but maybe more aware of the many shades and colours of identity, gender, sexual orientation, etc.

Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.

I have never tried (or only for a few seconds, in a workshop) a violet wand. I would be curious to have such a device used on me. I am scared a bit, because electricity frightens me, but at the same time, in my “try everything once” (at least!) philosophy, I would like to experience it.

Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?

The fun thing is I have come to realise it is no different. Except that real life has to deal with unavoidable contingencies which fantasy does not have to. As I said on Day 3, I began exploring BDSM in fiction, so I wrote my first novel without having experienced anything I described, and also without much input from the actual BDSM scene. Basically it all came from my head and pussy. However, when I started comparing my notes with people’s real life experience, then to my own, I realise how scarily close to reality I had been, from the dynamic of a D/s relationship, and down to the simplest elements of a scene. But, at the same time, fantasy does not have to be limited by the daily life; people in a fantasy do not necessarily have to go to work, eat a proper quantity of veggies, go to pee regularly (unless it’s part of the play!), have their periods, and the pain they can take is limitless. In real life, shit (and bloopers) happen.

Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

I am drawn to it because, ever since I started doing it, getting it makes me feel good and not getting makes me feel, well, not so good (grumpy and whimpy and self-destructive). I like the sensation an intense scene creates in me, and I like how peaceful I get when I simply kneel at my owner’s feet. Call me a simple girl.

I am also drawn to the kinky community, because I have found there, especially in the leatherdyke community of the Toronto-Ottawa-Montreal triangle, wonderful people who have become good friends.

Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

There are fetish parties and there are BDSM parties. There might be some fetish involved in BDSM parties, and some BDSM happening in fetish parties, but one particular experience showed me a slight difference between the former and the latter. We were at a fetish party on a kinky weekend in Montreal. People all around us were real eye candies, an amazing fashion show was going on, the music was entrancing, but we (I mean, my girlfriend and my owner) decided to wander toward the tiny play space furnished with scarce BDSM furniture and frames. One spot was available, some kind of wheel mounted on a platform, and with a structure to hold on to. We were not sure it was intended to be used as a play device, but we wanted to play a bit. But the minute we climbed onto it, my girlfriend getting prepared to flog my owner who was standing with me at her feet, that round, light structure began to… roll, with us on it! It took all our strength (and pride) to secure it back in place.

To me, the ethics of kink is a flexible one within the scene/relationship, and yet a simple one outside the scene. I am aware that there are things that we do in BDSM scenes that might not look very ethical from the outside. The scene is a special place and time, outside the daily contingencies. And so is, to some extent, the dynamic of a BDSM relationship. But there is an ethics of kink and sometimes I feel it is stronger (or more strongly enforced, maybe) than in the rest of the world due precisely to our extreme practices. Basically, as long as all the people involved are comfortable with a given set of values, and there is (maybe) pain but no harm, I am fine with it. That being said, frankly, I do not see how the ethics of kink could be any different than any ethics. The rules and principles are the same, if applied to a more spectacular conduct.

Besides the usual trio no kids/animals/scat I have only a few fundamental ones and otherwise I am just happy to have my limits pushed by someone I trust. I would say the most critical one, because it is linked to very early experience is the way one makes me feel in a scene: please, insult me, debase me, humiliate me, beat me, but please, do it from a place of love and not scorn, make me feel helpless but do not make me feel worthless.

Hmmm, tough question. Not that I cannot think of an answer. I just do not know which one to choose. Plus I must say that my kinkiest songs are not really kinky songs (I mean, with kinky lyrics), but songs with a music by which I can feel fucked and whipped. Anyway, here are two songs, one in French, one in English, off the top of my head.

(Update: The image disappeared. So here is a link to the dvd cover that shows a partial view of the same image.)

I like this image because I remember well the context: The image is from the movie Story of O. O has asked to be whipped in order to show that a man she cannot be saved from the life she lives and needs. Very powerful.

A few toys are my favourite, depending on the context. Canes are the implements I prefer when it comes to being hit. I fear them, they can hurt like hell, they leave nasty marks and… they are hot. I like to use them when I top too. They require lots of concentration, because you want to control your strength, your aim, but at the same time they are very easy to use (easier than a whip, for instance). My favourite cane, however, is not exactly a cane, but a big stick that my owner uses to beat me and to fuck me. I like when it lands on my ass and makes me cry, and also when it is in my cunt and is hit so it resonates throughout my belly. In another context, the fur-lined cuff attached to a chain attached to the post of the bed that my owner buckles around my ankle for the night is the most reassuring thing in the world and I cherish it. But really, those are only examples of toys I like.