My Face Is Just My Face: The Struggle [#donttrysohardlinkup]

This may be a little too complicated for the sad state of my brain right now — I’m high on lorazepam, holy crap, that went down with glee — but here’s a try for the #donttrysohardlinkup:

For as long as I can remember, I’ve disliked my face. I’ve talked about the eyebrows and my trichotollimania, and I’ve talked about the fact that I’m really thin and my eating issues have nothing to do with body image and everything to do with side effects of anxiety medication, my very recently on-the-mend sleep schedule and my low appetite.

But I still don’t usually like my face. I do, and I don’t. I love watching myself — I love looking at pictures of myself, and I love seeing my mouth move when I talk on videos. I’m fond of me, in the way you’d be fond of a good friend. But sometimes I look in the mirror and I feel ugly, or rundown, or just not that special.

I mean, I am not that special, and usually that’s not a bad thing. But sometimes it makes you question things, like whether you’re being dumb making modeling portfolios on places despite not fitting agency standards with your quaint 5’4″ of height and your sunken eyes and your blah Leighton Meester jawline (don’t knock it, it’s helped me get used to mine) and the acne scarring and so on and so forth.

Anyway, it’s not like the modeling industry’s ever been present before. That part is new. Disliking my face isn’t.

But the thing is, when I started taking selfies, I started to like my face. I learned it, I saw it from many angles, I looked at it from a different perspective. It’s still my face, which means I’m never going to be impartial on it, or partial to it. I’ll feel pretty, but I won’t say I am. I’ll say I’m cute, or adorable, or looking really funny.

Makeup — and Photoshop — often cover some of these things — when my jaw sticks out weird in an otherwise good shot, when my tooth sticks out over my bottom lip like a hick, when my acne scarring is particularly obvious. But I try not to overdo it. I try to go by my own principles, the ones I use for other models where I embrace everything that’s a facial feature and only retouch on request.

I wear makeup about twice a month, just when I model, because when I get home and I have makeup on, I feel dirty and I want it off. I used to never go out of the house without for a while there, for a few years — though to be fair I went out once every other week. I think, even though I’ve never said it, that starting antidepressants in the middle of summer helped me be less tied up to my makeup. I’ve never been a makeup person; I was a person who needed makeup to hide the things she didn’t want other people to see, because she was ashamed.

But I’m not anymore. Now, makeup and retouching are choices for me. I’m still not fully sure when I should wear makeup — I default to not for the OCD type reasons mentioned above and I’m sure I’ve made a faux pas or two. But I don’t care because I felt comfortable, even in front of the camera, and at the end of the day that’s all I want to be: comfortable with my face. Comfortable with my choices. Trying hard for me — for my mental health, for my business, for my self-esteem — and not for anyone else.

All photos in this post were taken in late April/early May by my best friend, Annemari S. The only one I’m wearing makeup in is this one. The other pretty chick in the pictures is Ashley!

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First of all, what a neat link up! It is cool to hear others take on your appearance and why you wear or don’t wear make-up. For the most part I do not wear makeup often. I prefer the way my face looks without it, though for professional photos or special events, I do like to wear makeup to ensure I am having a clear skin day for photos.

You’re beautiful, I like your jawline. I also like the three different pair of glasses you are wearing in these photos.

Oh my god, there are three? Hahaha. I lost the black pair! It was my go-to so I had to switch. Wore the tortoise frames for a bit before I just switched to the simple silver ones. I only pull out the geeky glasses on special occasions now. ;)

I’m the same way about putting on makeup for photos. I can photoshop my skin into clearness but it’s much, much easier if I just put makeup on for the shoot. I still tend to keep it light for portrait photos and such, though, because I like to actually recognize myself in them.

That’s what my mom always says. ;) That and “it’s not just me, I swear, I was showing your picture to […] and she was like, ‘she has such a beautiful face, she looks so virginal*.'” (* In the madonna art sense… I think.) I think I’m doomed to never think of myself that way, but I do like myself a lot of the time, which is a huge improvement.

I’m so glad I’m not the only one! Even when I’m comfortable in my makeup while out, the second I get home I just want it OFF.

I continue to struggle with my esteem about my body and face but it’s improved somewhat now. I’m actually surprised I haven’t turned to make up yet because my face looks so boring/awful to me. But make up requires learning skills and money and I guess my laziness is still trumps these days.

I don’t think I wore any makeup at all until I was, maybe 17? 18? I distinctly remember not wearing it or knowing anything about it when I was living in a dorm in Madrid the fall of 2007. I also remember being 14 or something and receiving a makeup kit as a gift and being SO disappointed.

I just have no beauty instincts whatsoever and it’s all so strange to me. Plus, like you said, money! I wish I could have primer and moisturizer and all these things people use but also I don’t because let’s be real, I’d still wear makeup twice a month tops. The skills look like fun, but I still feel gross wearing stuff on my face. It’s hard enough finding hydrating lotion I can stand.

When I do put on makeup, it’s usually moisturizing lotion (if I have it; I didn’t bring any with me), foundation, concealer (if I have it, otherwise I’ll double up the foundation on trouble spots), a bit of eyeliner (white or black), mascara sometimes, and lipstick. I’ve tried blush and I look like a clown, and I never seem to get hold of any eye shadows. Sometimes I actually draw a line on my eyelid with white eyeliner and then spread it around, lol.

I read the post on Treasure Tromp and it’s nice to read your post too. It’s important to at least try to like our own faces, after all they are constantly staring back at us. I’ve never been my biggest fan, I have a big nose and I hate it, but the more I am going through the journey of becoming myself, the more I start to like all of myself.
I guess I can’t talk for makeup and such. I wear makeup pretty consistently, but just because I like to. I don’t wear any around the house and I can leave it if I just can’t be bothered or with the heat, as it just melts. At the same time, I’m constantly changing my hair, so I guess that isn’t any different either. But, what ever works for you, what ever makes you comfy in your skin, doesn’t matter how just as long as it does.
Despite thinking my face is alright, I wouldn’t turn down a nose job ;)

I think you have fantastic bone structure. I’ve never been able to pull off my naturally ivory skintone, but you make it work. Makeup isn’t for everyone, knowing that you’re able to accept yourself without the goop.. that’s a great accomplishment :) We all have some type of body issues..mine are my thunder thighs, but we gotta learn that we can be our own worst enemy in that department!

Thank you. <3 We really are! For all that I somehow, being borderline Asperger's, managed to let a lot of social mores and misogyny slide right off me as I grew up and not internalize it, I still came out of it all hating my face. Like, that is so sad. I love everyone else's faces! And thighs! (Okay, I don't look that hard at thighs. I'm more of a collarbone and belly person.)

Kayla Hollatz

I think your bone structure is beautiful. I used to have a really hard time with my weight too. I was teased a lot for it which made me think my body wasn’t okay the way it was, but it was and still is. I’m glad to hear you speaking out about it too. Glad we could all participate in the linkup!

You look lovely as you are!! You might not have the height but I can see your face in an editorial layout. The good thing about you is that you don’t care about any of that stuff!! I’m not big on make up either for the same reason. It makes my face feel dirty!!

thank you! And yes, exactly. Even after I take it off, I still feel like I need a shower to feel normal again! I do kind of wish I were agency standard height but then again, agencies send you to people and you have to TRUST them that said people won’t be complete dickbags. No thanks.

It is! (The grass, greener on the other side, I mean.) I’ve always noticed that too. A lot of people love my hair and I hated it for so long! I’ve come to really like it now, actually, but I was so annoyed that it wasn’t straight for years, especially when I was a teenager. I even got a straightener dryer thing, and it was so frustrating every time I tried to use it because my hair would just NOT stay straight! And it’s not wavy enough to be WAVY, either, so I had a lot of feelings about that. But then I got over it. Started cutting my own hair and lost all my frustration, it was fantastic. I just let go of all my expectations on my own hair with that first self-given haircut and embraced it for what it was. Shame I can’t also cut my face???????? hahahaha.

Thank you!

Meet Lix

Welcome to my blog! I'm Lix: full-time graphic designer for bloggers and freelancers, and part-time photographer. I'm an unapologetic cat lady and perpetually angry feminist nightmare. I like attention and pretty things, and that's why I run a lifestyle blog. Learn more.