Friday, May 13, 2011

"Faith and fear cannot coexist. One gives way to the other."Elder Kevin W. Pearson

I have been thinking about the relationship - or lack thereof - between faith and fear as of late. Growing up I always had the somewhat normal fears of things like kidnappers, tornadoes, big dogs, deep water, etc. But eventually most of these childhood fears faded (except deep water, I HATE deep water). That all changed in August, 2002. My sister was killed in a car accident the day before my son's first birthday, and from that experience I came to better understand fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of losing everything I loved in an instant, fear of not having control over a situation. I came to understand that these fears were actually part of the grieving process and very normal (it's always nice to know you're not going crazy), and I found tremendous comfort and peace through the gospel. And while your life is forever altered by the loss of a family member, over time the fear aspect begins to fade.

But every once and a while it leaps back to the surface and rears its ugly head.

I have battled with fear throughout this pregnancy, the fear of losing these little ones that we have fought so hard for. I have come to understand that replacing fear with faith is a choice. Some days are better then others. Some days we go on our merry way, and other days I find myself repeating throughout the day - "Choose faith, choose faith".

But what does it mean to choose faith?

I used to think that somehow I could arm wrestle the Lord into my way by exercising enough faith in what I wanted to have happen, exercising my faith in my personal will. Six years of infertility taught me differently.

For me, choosing faith means choosing to trust the Savior. It means choosing to trust that whatever may come, He will guide us through it. It means choosing to trust that, no matter the outcome, His plan is so much better then ours. It means choosing to trust the personal promises He has made.

It is when I make that choice that the peace comes.

I have learned, and am continuing to learn, that I don't need to fear the unknown - for nothing is unknown to the Savior. I don't need to fear not being in control of a situation, because He is.

Like I said, some days are better then others. And I am greatly looking forward to the fading of this particular mental battle. :)