In 18 clicks, I achieved a budget surplus of $260 billion dollars on a projected deficit of $418 billion.

I simply voted for the budget choices that most Americans would make if they were in Congress.

It isn’t rocket science. It’s common sense. We the People have been sold a bill of goods.

80% of the income in the United States is hoarded by 1% of our country’s richest people. Meanwhile, the other 99% of us are trying to make ends meet on the remaining 20% of the income. We’re paying the taxes. We’re keeping the economy afloat. And, we’re getting screwed.

In true Pretty Woman tradition, she rescued herself before she met the charming Brazilian “prince” Felipe:

I was not rescued by a prince;

I was the administrator of my own rescue.

– Elizabeth Gilbert

She gave herself a year to recover from Depression and Loneliness. To fund her recovery adventure, she sold the rights to the book she planned to write during her journey. It would have 108 chapters ~ each represented a bead on a japa mala prayer necklace (the precursor to rosary beads).

She planned to eat her way through Italy. . .pray her way through India. . .love her way through Indonesia. Yes, those countries all beginning with the letter “I” was intentional. As I read Eat, Pray, Love, I learned four powerful lessons that changed my life:

What do I really, really, really want? I scribbled about this in my journal for a full month. Did my answers shift? Did they represent a “single-pointed focus?” Did my top three dreams live in harmony in my heart? Or, were they conflicting? The Sufi poet and philosopher Rumi advised his students to write down three things they most want in life. We are destined for unhappiness if our dreams clash.

What word sums up your life? Cities and families can often be described by a single word. New York’s word, for example is “achieve.” In Los Angeles, it is “succeed.” In Stockholm it is “conform,” while in Naples is is “fight.” Does the word for Seattle fit who I am? Can my word live in harmony with my friends and family? My answers help me decide what and who to keep in my life and what and who to jettison.

What is my personal mantra? A mantra transports us to a new place. The typical mantra is three words which are spoken while a person fingers japa mala beads. The trinity in many religions represents supreme balance. I went to Bead World in Seattle, and the owner helped me design my “Buddha beads.” They are strung on purple silk thread with tiny purple beads separating the larger green beads (jade and shells). The pendant is a series of three jade beads. I bought six gold disks ~ three for each side ~ with an affirmative word etched on each: joy, hope, survivor and love, faith, courage. The beads feel wonderful when I touch them. And, I feel a powerful sense of spiritual connection when I wear them.

Smile with your liver. I can be an exceedingly intense, serious person. Yet, we scare away good energy when we’re too serious. We can open the door to good energy by jettisoning the junk. Elizabeth’s guru suggested she smile with her face ~ smile with her mind ~ smile with her liver. I laughed out loud and wondered just exactly how a person smiles with our liver. It takes practice, but it’s fun. It’s true. When we smile, we are beautiful. It draws people to us and makes us powerful. We find peace and happiness which is the purpose of meditation.

Elizabeth Gilbert through her charming, funny, insightful words allowed me to join her on her journey. I am a better person because I read her book.

We know that too many are affected by it and its consequences are too serious not to do more about it. The time has come to take action, intervene, and, of course, evaluate those interventions.

A cause of major morbidity and mortality, which is fourfold more common than breast cancer, cannot be ignored. [emphasis added]

So, why is breast cancer getting so much funding and research? Former First Lady Betty Ford broke down the wall of silence. Organizations like the Susan G. Komen Foundation lobbied Congress and corporations. Breast cancer survivors are leveraging their professional expertise to make a difference.

They have created a map we can follow.

A Group Health study discovered 44% of their members had experienced intimate partner violence (IPV is the medical term for domestic violence/abuse) during their lifetimes. This manifests as severe depression, poor or fair health, and lower social functioning. “Women’s health was adversely affected by the proximity, type, and duration of IPV exposure” the study concluded.

Prolonged exposure to abuse causes post-traumatic stress disorder(PTSD) which increases a person’s risk for heart attacks and autoimmune diseases such as arthritis and psoriasis as well as chronic pain, regulation of the nervous, endocrine, and other organ systems. Anger, depression, and the adrenaline rush associated with exposure to trauma wear down the cardiovascular system.

The number of women who have experienced child abuse is nearly three times greater than those who will develop breast cancer. IPV kills four times more adult women than breast cancer. IPV survivors are at greater risk for strokes (80%), heart disease (70%), asthma (60%), and alcohol abuse (70%). Yet, there is very little health screening for abuse. The federal government provides only limited funds for research on prevention and intervention.

Note: I have provided numerous links to guide you to the wealth of research and statistics you might want to site to support proposals or grant requests. These will lead you to a myriad of other sources including the American Journal of Preventive Medicine.

]]>https://annecarolinedrake.com/2009/04/29/impact-of-domestic-abuse-on-health/feed/4BoatsSunshinecarolelighthouseBoatsFlowersBoatsAbuseHealthRihanna: Should You Stay? Should You Leave?https://annecarolinedrake.com/2009/03/13/rihanna-should-you-stay-should-you-leave/
https://annecarolinedrake.com/2009/03/13/rihanna-should-you-stay-should-you-leave/#commentsFri, 13 Mar 2009 19:42:25 +0000http://annecarolinedrake.com/?p=297

Rihanna and Chris Brown

Cobras and Pit Bulls

“Why don’t you just leave?” It sounds so simple. Pack up your bags and go.

My bags were packed. I was ready to go. He found out, and all hell broke loose. The problem with the simplistic advice is that it ignores the fact that a pit bull would rather see you dead than out of his/her life.

I am deeply distressed that so many well-intentioned celebrities seeking a spike in ratings are offering advice to Rihanna on an issue they have steadfastly refused to fully grasp. Yes, I’m talking about Dr. Phil and Oprah.

I don’t know if y’all watched their shows on March 12, 2009. I taped and scrutinized both shows.

Dr. Phil and Oprah both blamed victims for the abuse they experienced. Dr. Phil went so far as to say one woman was “contaminated.” That’s emotional abuse, people. Yes, low self-esteem is a well-known factor in domestic abuse dynamics. But, people don’t stay in abusive relationships because they have low self-esteem. They stay because their partner has threatened to kill them if they leave. They stay because their partner has reinforced that threat with physical abuse and stalking.

Why? Professors Jacobson and Gottman discovered there are two types of abusers: “pit bulls” and “cobras.” These descriptions are brilliant. A pit bull can’t and won’t let go. A cobra will strike to kill when it feels threatened. These same characteristics are found in abusive people.

The domestic violence paradigm and system deals quite effectively with cobra abusers. Cobras don’t tend to waste time or energy making threats. Cobras strike to kill. If you can get safely free from a cobra, he/she will likely slither on to his/her next victim.

A pit bull, however, has serious abandonment issues. All stalkers are pit bulls. A person who threatens to kill you and reinforces the threat with physical violence is likely a pit bull. A cobra strikes to kill. A pit bull cannot accept the relationship is over ~ “good-bye” is too painful for them to handle. A pit bull is the person who decides, “if I can’t have her/him, no one can.” These are the abusers who commit murder/suicide. When the pit bull realizes the relationship is indeed over, the object of their “affection” is in mortal danger.

How do you know the difference? The police affidavit from the Rihanna/Chris Brown case that Gayle King read on Oprah’s March 6, 2009 show is illustrative:

“I’m going to beat the shit out of you when you get home. You wait and see.” Robyn [Rihanna’s legal name is Robyn Fenty] faked a call to her assistant: “I’m on my way home. Make sure the cops are there when I get there.” After Robyn F. faked the call, Brown looked at her and stated, “You’ve just did the stupidest thing ever. Now, I’m really going to kill you.”

Brown resumed punching Robyn F., and she interlocked her fingers behind her head, brought her elbows forward to protect her face; she then bent over to her waist placing her elbows and facing her lap in an attempt to protect her face and head from the barrage of punches being levied upon her by Brown. Brown pulled her close to him, bit her on the left ear; she was able to feel the vehicle swerving from left to right as he sped away.

She stopped in front of the car, she turned off the car, removed the key; Brown did not know what she did with the key and began punching her in her face and arms. He then placed her in a headlock position ~ the front of her throat between his biceps and forearm. Brown began applying pressure to Robyn F.’s left and right carotid artery causing her to be unable to breathe, and she began losing consciousness.

In the first paragraph, Chris Brown makes the threat. In the last paragraph, he almost kills her. But, he doesn’t. A cobra would have killed her.

Ike and Tina Turner

A wise teen on the Oprah show observed the similarities between the dynamics of Ike and Tina Turner and Rihanna and Chris Brown. I am disappointed that Oprah chose to make a public spectacle of Rihanna rather than set up a private meeting between Rihanna and Tina Turner in Switzerland. I am a strident believer in getting the sage counsel of someone who has walked in our shoes and lived to tell the tale. The similarities between Ike Turner and Chris Brown are chilling. Ann-Margaret gave Tina Turner sanctuary when she desperately needed it. I believe Ms. Turner would gladly pay this forward with Rihanna.

Instead, Oprah had Tyra Banks on her show. Ms. Banks was obviously well-intentioned, but she has not walked in Rihanna’s shoes. The emotional abuse she experienced never escalated into physical violence, and her former boyfriend did not exhibit the obsessive behaviors of a pit bull. Still, Ms. Banks realizes she was able to exit this abusive relationship because she had a plan. Rihanna too needs an exit strategy. I was deeply disappointed that Oprah cut Ms. Banks off when she suggested that because Rihanna and Chris Brown are “just kids” that they should not be perceived as role models:

Rihanna is a normal girl just like everybody else who is watching the show right now. She is a very successful singer. She is here to entertain our world. We have to look at her as a human being. She’s just a vulnerable girl who sings and is famous for singing. She is just as easily pulled into the cycle of abuse as everybody else. She should not be attacked. We need to send her love and hope for her to make the right decisions for herself.

Rihanna and Chris Brown both discussed growing up in abusive homes on Ms. Banks’ show. Abuse is the only kind of love they know. It explained why Rihanna hasn’t turned to her parents for sanctuary. It also explains why Chris Brown is unable to let her go.

Tyler Perry

Tyler Perry, who also experienced child abuse, offered this advice to Mr. Brown:

Looking at another side of this, I would love for him to consider [that] this could have been much worse. She could have died. If this actually happened and he’s strangling her, she could have died. He really needs to take that into consideration and get some counseling.

Nicole Brown Simpson left OJ years before he killed her. He murdered her the day he finally realized their relationship was indeed over.

Tacoma Police Chief David Brame lured his estranged wife Crystal Judson Brame into a Gig Harbor parking lot the day after he realized she wasn’t coming back. He shot her in front of their kids before turning the gun on himself.

We need to develop a fail-safe paradigm for people leaving pit bulls. Until we do, we need to stop telling people to “just leave.” Yes, it is horrid to be beaten. But, it’s better than dead.

In The Artist’s Way, Ms. Cameron suggests we take ourselves out each week on an artist’s date. Essentially, it is a play date written in ink on your calendar. You go someplace and do something ~ by yourself ~ that inspires you:

Think delight. Think fun. Do not think duty. Do not do what you should do ~ spiritual sit-ups. . .Do what intrigues you, explore what interests you; think mystery, not mastery. A mystery draws us in, leads us on, lures us. (page 21)

Our ability to be creative comes from re-creation ~ play. Think back to a very pleasant memory from your childhood. What did you see? What did you feel? What did you taste? What did you hear? What did you smell? What activity can you engage in today that will bring those same five senses back into play? This would be a great artist’s date.

One of the reasons that so many people love bubble baths is that they heighten all of our five senses. This is also why we often emerge from a “brain shower” with a new solution to an old problem. So, go to the beach. Ride your bike. Play with dolls. Bake cookies. Read a book just for the fun of it. Plant some flowers. Play with your pets. Jump rope. Skip. Draw chalk pictures on the sidewalk. Watch a movie. Play.

My artist’s date this weekend was to go to the local flower and garden show. When I saw this outdoor room, it became my dream retreat. I took this photo to share with y’all to help you understand and appreciate artist’s dates.

There’s nothing funny about domestic violence, abuse, incest, or molesting kids. Yet, a sense of humor can help us aquire necessary perspective so that we can make wise decisions. Cracking jokes eases tension.

You may have seen Tyler Perry’s movies. You probably don’t know that his comedy comes from his efforts to lift himself up from where you are right now. Madea was his alter-ego who helped him survive, thrive, find joy, and become outrageously wealthy.

While I don’t recommend taking a frying pan upside somebody’s head, visualizing Madea with her big old boobs swinging to and fro vowing to protect her chilren’ just might take you to a happy place long enough to extricate yourself from a bad situation.

It’s Valentine’s Day. Treat yourself to a Tyler Perry movie like Madea’s Family Reunion. Or, get his book Don’t Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings: Madea’s Uninhibited Commentaries on Love and Live. You’ll laugh out loud and learn something too!

If you are currently being abused by a wealthy or powerful person, Diary of a Mad Black Woman is for you. The heroine in this movie walked in your shoes. Tyler Perry will give you lots to think about in terms of protecting yourself and breaking free. He’ll also have you laughing out loud and wishing you had your own Madea in your life! She’s there right now. She’s the voice in your head that says you don’t deserve abuse. She’s the voice in your head that tells you respect is love. She’s the voice in your head that may be telling you to cut your losses and move on.

People experiencing domestic violence need to be encircled with protection.

This beautiful painting has become an iconic message of empowerment. When I look at this picture, I see a protection circle.

When I worked in corporate America, I achieved large-scale revolutionary corporate culture change in a wide array of organizations. The first step was always the identification and removal of abusive managers and executives. Once these people were gone, the employees were able to perform their jobs more effectively.

Several years later, I had a personal relationship with an exceedingly powerful judge who abused the power of his office and the women in his life. I realized that my professional and personal lives had intersected. Dysfunctional organizations are run by abusive people.

As I attempted to piece together the shattered pieces of my life, I discovered there are very few resources for women walking in my shoes. There are no guide books. There are no maps. I was essentially navigating uncharted waters.

Path to Victory

This web site is about my journey. We need to teach people how to survive, thrive, and find joy. And, I thought that the benchmarking of best practices strategies we had successfully employed in corporate America could be equally effective in eradicating violence against women and children.

As my research continued, I read many great booksespecially the memoirs and autobiographies of a shockingly large number of famous people who had surviveddomestic violence in all its myriad guises. These people’s stories became my life rafts. I noticed each had dramatically pushed the envelope of domestic violence prevention. Alice Miller inspired me to break down the walls of silence. Eve Ensler urged me to keep working until the violence stops. Avon started their speak out campaign. To celebrate Gloria Steinem’s 75th birthday, the Ms. Foundation launched their Outrageous Acts campaign. What could I do?

I was asking myself that question one Friday afternoon when I saw Tacoma, Washington’s police chief on the evening news. I knew by the look on his face that his wife Crystal Judson Bramewas in mortal danger. I didn’t know Crystal had gone everywhere the experts tell you to go to find shelter and protection. The next day she was mortally wounded by her estranged husband in front of their kids in a Gig Harbor, Washington parking lot. The people being paid to protect her decided to suck up to her powerful husband instead.

I got angry. Then, I got busy. There are a lot of people walking in Crystal’s shoes. I believe we all need to find a way to speak out. We need to leverage our talentsand professional expertise to make a difference. This web site has been created to facilitate those efforts, to provide resources and information, and to inspire others to become grassroots leaders in Eve Ensler’s V-Day movement to work “until the violence stops.”

My cat Bitzie became my muse and teacher. It’s humbling to acknowledge that I’ve learned some of my most important lessons from her.

A special shout-out to William Race, organic vintner and tech genius, for recommending Tara Westover’s memoir Educated. The book is a blend of The Glass Castle and Hillbilly Elegy with a side of stellar education. Yes, Ms. Westover is brilliant with impeccable educational credentials, but she is also horridly wounded emotionally.

My life was narrated for me by others.

Their voices were forced, emphatic, absolute.

It had never occurred to me that

my voice might be as strong as theirs.

– Tara Westover, Educated

Doris Buffett has a theory that perpetrators of child abuse are mentally ill. This is definitely true of Tara Westover’s survivalist, Mormon father. He didn’t allow his children to receive a formal education or medical attention. Dr. Westover never saw the inside of a classroom until she was admitted to Brigham Young University (BYU) on scholarship. She was self-educated.

Bill Gates and Tara Westover

Dr. Westover received a Gates Cambridge Scholarship, and she earned an MPhil from Trinity College, Cambridge in England before receiving a fellowship to attend Harvard University and returning to Cambridge for her PhD in history.

Her brother Tyler introduced her to classical music and encouraged her to follow him to BYU for an education.

Tara Westover at BYU

At BYU, Dr. Paul Kerry noticed and mentored her brilliance and encouraged her to accept the Gates scholarship. A Mormon bishop attempted to help her heal from emotional wounds. Her fellow students helped her adapt to mainstream college life and learn effective study habits. Drew Mecham became her “haven,” but they are no longer a couple.

Tara Westover received her PhD from Cambridge.

Professor Jonathan Steinberg became her Cambridge mentor and encouraged her to accept a Harvard fellowship. Ultimately:

My friends in Cambridge had become a kind of family, and I felt a sense of belonging with them that, for many years, had been absent on Buck’s Peak. . .No natural sister should love a stranger more than a brother, I thought, and what sort of daughter prefers a teacher to her own father?

. . .I did not want to go home. I preferred the family I had chosen to the one I had been given, so the happier I became in Cambridge, the more my happiness was made fetid by my feeling that I had betrayed Buck’s Peak.

Tara Westover at Cambridge, 2018

Ms. Westover devoured her educational opportunities like a starving child. She became a Renaissance woman studying everything which peaked her interest and helped her understand her being. Yet, she had a hard time jettisoning her father’s rants and conditioning:

. . .there was a single line written by John Stuart Mill that, when I read it, moved the world: “It is a subject on which nothing final can be known.” The subject Mill had in mind was the nature of women. Mill claimed that women have been coaxed, cajoled, shoved and squashed into a series of feminine contortions for so many centuries, that it is now quite impossible to define their natural abilities or aspirations. . .

Never had I found such comfort in a void, in the black absence of knowledge. It seemed to say: whatever you are, you are woman.

Tara WestoverCredit: Paul Stuart

Dr. Westover formed new bonds with two of her aunts but is estranged from her family at Buck’s Peak.

The most haunting passage in the book was an epiphany she had while writing in her journal after her brother abused her horrifically in a grocery store parking lot. I’ve been there. I will never, ever forget looking at my father’s face and noticing that my pain gave him pleasure. It made him immensely happy to wound me to my core:

There is no fury in it. Only pleasure, unperturbed. . .my humiliation was the cause of that pleasure. It was not an accident or side effect. It was the objective.

Rene Renick was my mentor at the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV). She made it possible for this blog to thrive and grow internationally. She was a fierce advocate for survivors of domestic violence and child abuse. She made a phenomenal dent in the Universe.

Rene Renick

This morning I received word that she passed away over the weekend, and I am beyond devastated. Rene wasn’t just a colleague and mentor. She was a cherished and treasured friend. We laughed and cried together. We celebrated our triumphs. She made me a vase at her potter’s wheel to remind me every day that we may be tested but we will survive.

On Navigating Uncharted Waters’ 10th anniversary, I celebrated Kiwi Mary and Rene Renick. I can’t believe they are both gone within months of each other.

This is an epic photo of grief following a shooting rampage. She later learned her mother had been killed. Will her tears become your tears?

Assault weapons. The one common denominator in every recent shooting rampage. Did Trump mention a ban on assault weapons during his laundry list of preventative measures this country should take? No. He did not.

How many? How many people must die before somebody in DC finds their spine? How many tears?

]]>https://annecarolinedrake.com/2019/08/05/assault-weapons-do-something/feed/0ShootingRampage Grief ElPasoSunshineOne Second: Guns & Karmahttps://annecarolinedrake.com/2019/08/04/one-second-guns-karma/
https://annecarolinedrake.com/2019/08/04/one-second-guns-karma/#commentsMon, 05 Aug 2019 02:55:20 +0000http://annecarolinedrake.com/?p=98961001. Are you dead? Are you alive? It took less than one second for the shooting rampage perpetrator to kill or wound each of his victims in Dayton, Ohio. One of them was his sister. Less than one second. Are you Quick Draw McGraw, or will you end up dead? How many people will die in the cross-fire?

I will confess that I am obsessed with shooting rampages. I’ve noticed that Karma pays visits to people who are callously indifferent. How close to home does it have to come for you to give a shit?

We’ve heard that good guys with guns will stop bad buys with guns. Well, this didn’t work out well for four cops in a coffee shop in Lakewood, WA. They were trained. They were armed. Yet, not one of those cops was able to draw their weapon to take out an assassin. Pow! Pow! Pow! Pow! They were all dead.

If you honestly think you will be able to timely react to an AK-47, you are delusional. Those cops were well-trained, and they didn’t know what hit them. They are all dead.

How close does Karma need to visit you for you to wake the hell up???

One of the first victims in Dayton, Ohio was the shooter’s sister. The rampage in El Paso, Texas was all about white nationalism. These two rampages sum it up. We have way too many pissed off white males who are a powder keg.

The guy in the White House is lighting the fuse.

Will you be next? Will Karma pay you a visit to prove your opposition to gun control is totally fucked up?

Roll the dice. I no longer give a shit. In US v. Heller, the late gun-nut Anton Scalia held that the only guns protected by the 2nd Amendment are handguns used to defend your home. He specifically held that assault weapons are weapons of war which are not protected.

I want to know WTF is holding up common sense gun control. If you oppose it, you’d better pray that Karma doesn’t pay you a visit. Odd how people who claim to be “right to life” are obsessed with something that has only one purpose: to kill.

I no longer care if Karma pays you an intimate visit. One second. You are dead. Deal with it.

Clare Mackintosh in her Chipping Norton home in the Cotswalds of England where she served as a police sergeant and launched her literary career.

Why don’t you leave? Clare Mackintosh answers this question in graphic detail in her debut international bestseller I Let You Go. She also provides brilliant insights into the twisted minds and malignant narcissism of perpetrators of violence against women. It is a psychological thriller that I could not put down until I read all 369 pages yesterday. Be prepared to laugh, cry, and gasp.

Clare Mackintosh

I Let You Go is set in the author’s hometown of Bristol, England. She served as a police officer in Oxford where joyriders killed a boy in a still-unsolved hit and run. She also gave birth to twins Josh and Alex in 2006. Sadly, Alex died shortly after birth from meningitis. Several months later, she unexpectedly became pregnant with a second set of twins, Evie and Georgie.

Clare Mackintosh with her children, Evie, Josh, and Georgie

The unsolved hit and run and Alex’s death became the center of I Let You Go which has a plot twist in the middle of the book I didn’t see coming because I didn’t carefully process the author’s note at the end of the book:

When my own son died. . .I experienced firsthand how emotion can cloud one’s judgment and affect behavior. Grief and guilt are powerful feelings, and I began to wonder how they might affect two women involved in very different ways in the same incident. [emphasis added]

Jenna Gray and Ray and Kate, the police officers investigating the hit-and-run, are the central characters of the first half of the book. Is the tension between Ray and Kate sexual harassment or consensual? Jenna has horrendous PTSD and decamps to the Welsh coast. Why? I’m not gonna tell.

A message in the sand akin to those Jenna creates and photographs

Jenna had been a sculptor in Bristol, but a mysterious injury to her hand ends her career. Her Welsh neighbor Bethan encourages her to market the photos she takes on the beach which becomes her safe haven.

Clare Mackintosh with a mug of tea which is as much a part of the plot as the characters.

Why wouldn’t you let us help you?

Because he would have killed me.

– Clare Mackintosh, I Let You Go

Critics have opined the book is akin to The Girl on the Train. I disagree. It captures the experience of domestic violence as brilliantly as Black and Blue by Anna Quindlen. I accurately intuited some of the plot twists, but I still gasped when they unfolded.

While I recommend the book highly, it may not be a wise choice for some survivors ~ especially protective mothers ~ who have Complex-PTSD. The PTSD episodes and traumatic events Jenna experiences are quite graphic.

In City of Girls by Elizabeth Gilbert, Vivian Morris, who is in her 90s, tells the story of her life to Angela. Ms. Gilbert describes it as: “looking back with rueful affection at her promiscuous, chaotic, but very memorable youth.”

Vivian’s Grandmother Morris had taught her to sew and bought her a sewing machine which Vivian leveraged into a career after she was expelled from Vassar in 1940. Vivian landed at her Aunt Peg’s theater, the Lily Playhouse, in New York City where she made herself useful crafting low-budget costumes. Celia, one of the theater’s showgirls, introduced Vivian to the excitement of New York nightclubs. As Ms. Gilbert explains, they: “chose excitement over safety, sexual pleasure over self-denial, and a hard-earned sense of authentic carnal joy over shame. Because that’s a story I’ve wanted to tell for a long while.”

We first encounter Frank Grecco after Vivian was exiled from New York City for having a wild fling with Arthur Watson, the husband of actress Edna Parker Watson, who was the star in the hit play City of Girls at Vivian’s Aunt Peg’s struggling theater in 1941:

Arthur Watson had completely gotten away with his misdeeds and lies. Celia had been banished by Peg, and I had been banished by Edna ~ but Arthur had been allowed to carry on with his lovely life and his lovely wife, as though nothing had ever happened.

The dirty little whores had been disposed of; the man was allowed to remain.

Frank was the first to call Vivian a “dirty little whore,” and his words haunted her as she tried to assimilate into life with her very traditional, country-club parents in upstate New York. She went to work for her dad and got engaged to a rising star in his company. World War II started, and Aunt Peg rescued Vivian from suburbia with a job offer from the Navy in 1942.

Elizabeth Gilbert sailing the Aegean Sea in Greece, 2015

Frank knew Vivian’s brother Walter from Officers Candidate School and served with him on the USS Franklin which was hit by a kamikaze pilot on March 19, 1945 near the end of World War II. Walter was killed; Frank survived.

After WWII ended, the Lily Playhouse was demolished. Vivian went into business making wedding gowns with Marjorie Lowtsky, whose parents owned the used clothing store where Vivian found the treasures she transformed into costumes. They called their boutique L’Atelier. The duo never married, but Marjorie had a son Nathan.

Frank and Vivian met again decades after the war. His PTSD prevented the couple from consummating their love, but he is the love of Vivian’s life; and he is Angela’s father. Vivian and Angela met when Frank sent his daughter to L’Atelier for her wedding gown in 1971. He died in 1977, and Angela wrote to Vivian after her mother died in 2010.

U.K. photographer Simon Andrew MacArthur is Elizabeth Gilbert’s new love. They connected over their mutual love for the late Rayya Elias. She describes their relationship: “his heart has been such a warm place for me to land.”

City of Girls is all about the joys, the dangers, and

the ineffable wildness of a misspent youth.

– Elizabeth Gilbert

Ms. Gilbert wrote City of Girls while mourning the death of her beloved partner Rayya Elias. New York City is where she goes when she needs to heal. Before the book was published, she told her fans:

Here’s a toast today to all us who made terrible and reckless decisions when we were young, and who survived it, and who now have the grace to laugh at it.

And here’s a toast to all of you who are STILL making terrible and reckless decisions. I see you and I love you. Someday, may you remember it all and smile.

I myself have clung to existence like

a barnacle to a boat bottom.

– Elizabeth Gilbert, City of Girls

The last page of the book had me gushing tears because there is so much truth in these words:

This is what I’ve found out about life, as I’ve gotten older: you start to lose people, Angela. It’s not that there is ever a shortage of people ~ oh, heavens no. It is merely that ~ as the years pass ~ there comes to be a terrible shortage of your people. The ones you loved. The ones who knew the people that you both loved. The ones who know your whole history.

Tracy Verdugo’s painting of Rayya Elias and Elizabeth Gilbert

Those people start to be plucked away by death, and they are awfully hard to replace after they go. After a certain age, it can become difficult to make new friends. The world can begin to feel lonely and sparse, teeming though it may be with freshly minted young souls.

Yes, we old broads have some amazing memories. Some of them may light your hair on fire. My wish for all of you is that you are living each day and making memories which will make you smile when you too are old.

Most survivors will never hear anyone deliver Mr. Sweeney’s powerful, affirming words because the perpetrators in our lives are no longer living or will never be prosecuted due to his power, influence, and connections:

Preserving the innocence of children is one of the most important responsibilities we carry as adults. Purposely failing children in any way is not an option. Yet, there are some in society who have chosen to blatantly disregard this responsibility using whatever means they have at their disposal to lure children into a life which they should never have been exposed. As we allege today, Jeffery Epstein is one of those people.

Jeffrey Epstein’s $77 million mansion in New York City which the federal government intends to seize along with other property.

At approximately 5:30 PM on Saturday evening, we arrested him at Teterboro Airport without incident. Epstein has been charged with one count each of sex trafficking and sex trafficking conspiracy. . .he is alleged to have sexually exploited and abused dozens of minor girls at his homes in NYC and in Palm Beach, FL. . .dozens of victims were as young as 14 years old. . .a man more than or nearly three times their age.

Jeffrey Epstein with Donald Trump at Mar-a-Lago in 1997.

I’ve known Jeff for fifteen years.

Terrific guy.

He’s a lot of fun to be with.

It is even said that he likes beautiful women

as much as I do, and many of them

are on the younger side.

– Donald Trump, New York magazine, 2002

Those who have been victimized by child sexual predators are frequently haunted by memories of these crimes well into their adulthood ~ often for the rest of their lives. They bear the burden of someone else’s criminal behavior. Too often adults in our society have turned a blind eye to this type of criminal behavior alleged here. We have seen the excuses. The ignorance of many who didn’t even bother to understand that this behavior is a persistent scourge against our society’s vulnerable youth, and the willful blindness as to who the real villains are in this type of outrageous crime. The villains are the adult perpetrators ~ not the children.

Maureen Comey Ryan (Jim Comey’s daughter) is part of the team prosecuting Jeffrey Epstein. She is with her mother Patrice Failer Comey at the Women’s March in 2017.

Victims of child sex trafficking come from all walks of life. . .to the victims who may be listening or get word of today’s charges, the team standing here before you. . .make it their mission to listen to every individual who has been exploited and to advocate for the most vulnerable among us. . .to put predators behind bars where they belong regardless of the predator’s power, wealth, or perceived connections. . .

There never was nor will there be an excuse for this kind of behavior. We know that reliving these events can be brutal. We are here to work side-by-side with you as you go through this process. You should know that in the eyes of the FBI, you come first. . .

Epstein’s Palm Beach estate where he engaged in sex crimes with young girls. His plea deal in Florida required him to register as a sex offender.

Jeffrey Epstein is powerful, and he has friends in very high places. He got a slap on the wrist in Florida, but the Public Corruption Unit of the DoJ in the SDNY is prosecuting him now. The team includes Jim Comey’s daughter Maureen. Investigative reporters at the Miami Herald were credited for assisting the DoJ.

Will Epstein’s victims receive justice? Dunno.

Epstein’s plane which has been dubbed the “Lolita Express” was allegedly used to fly powerful sexual predators to sexual encounters with young girls.

Maybe this is why Epstein’s case has been assigned to the Public Corruption Unit. They investigate public officials. This is a sex crimes case. The DoJ doesn’t want us to read too much into this, but how can we not? The good news is that the FBI secured a “vast” trove of evidence including nude photos of young girls during a search of Epstein’s Manhattan home.

]]>https://annecarolinedrake.com/2019/07/08/fbis-powerful-message-to-survivors/feed/0Epstein posterSunshineBook Review: No Visible Bruiseshttps://annecarolinedrake.com/2019/06/29/book-review-no-visible-bruises/
https://annecarolinedrake.com/2019/06/29/book-review-no-visible-bruises/#respondSat, 29 Jun 2019 20:45:12 +0000http://annecarolinedrake.com/?p=9854
If you have PTSD, don’t read this book. My policy is to ignore books I can’t recommend, but I’m breaking this self-imposed rule for No Visible Bruises: What We Don’t Know About Domestic Violence Can Kill Us by Rachel Louise Snyder. It is the worst book about domestic violence that I’ve ever read.

Yes, there are some great quotes by my friend and colleague Kit Gruelle. But, you’ll learn more about the issue by reading her Facebook posts and following her on Twitter. Hell, you’ll learn more by simply randomly reading five of my posts.

We’ve all seen more than our fair share of blood on the floor. We need professionals who are focused on preventing domestic violence, child abuse and sexual assault. Accountability is a good place to start.

Ove is a bitter, grumpy, old Swedish curmudgeon consumed with grief over the passing of his beloved, cherished wife Sonja. He lived his life in black and white; she was filled with color. He brought her pink flowers on their first date and every week to her grave. Sonja’s death from cancer leaves him struggling to survive torrential waves of grief.

A Man Called Ove was Fredrik Backman’s first novel. It is about overcoming all-consuming grief and being coaxed into joining the living by those who love us and are still here. I loved it. I laughed. I cried. And, I couldn’t remember who recommended the book to me.

Ironically, I had discovered it while I was processing my own profound grief over the passing of my dear friend Kiwi Mary of World’s Best Book Club fame. The WBBC had read My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She’s Sorry. It was one of our favorite WBBC selections. The book became a Swedish movie, and Tom Hanks will play the title character in the American version.

Rolf Lassgrd plays the title character in A Man Called Ove in the Swedish movie version.

It wasn’t as if Ove also died

when Sonja left him.

He just stopped living.

– Fredrik Backman, A Man Called Ove

When Patrick and his pregnant wife Parvaneh back their U-Haul trailer into Ove’s house, he doesn’t realize the trajectory of his life is about to change. Parvaneh and their daughters irritate the shit out of Ove. Yet, their unconditional, enthusiastic love is exactly what he needs.

Ove’s cat

Parvaneh manipulates him into adopting the neighborhood stray cat. She needles him into getting involved in the adventures of the neighbors. She bullies him into reading stories to her daughters. She nags him into teaching her how to drive. Mostly, she reminds him of his beloved Sonja. She brings the color back into his black and white world.

Fredrik BackmanPhoto credit: New York Times

The tide begins to change after a conversation between Parvaneh and a defeated Ove about a neighbor’s fight with the city council. Ove bobs to the surface with the will to fight another day and sail on with his life:

[The bureaucrats] always come back. Just like they did with Sonja. Like they always do. With their clauses and documents. Men in white shirts always win. And men like Ove always lose people like Sonja. And nothing can bring her back to him.

In the end, there is nothing left but a long series of weekdays with nothing more meaningful than oiling the kitchen counters. And Ove can’t cope with it anymore. He feels it in that moment more clearly than ever. He can’t fight anymore. Doesn’t want to fight anymore. Just wants it to stop. . .

And then Ove starts to cry.

Melinda Gates is correct. We have to accept our pain. We don’t have to like it, but we must accept it. Or, it will do us in.

Kiwi Mary in 2013

The people we have loved and lost want us to celebrate their lives by sharing the love in our hearts with those who are still here. I will always miss you, Kiwi Mary, and I want to thank you for nudging me toward this book. You always knew how to pick the best ones, eh? This one got made into two movies!

Buy the book. You’ll need a pack of highlight pens because it is packed with wisdom. The Moment of Lift: How Empowering Women Changes the World by Melinda Gates will rock your world and change your perspective. Gender bias is insidiously embedded in our culture. How? Stigma. Reproductive freedoms. Oppression. Unpaid work. Violence against women. Inequality.

Elaine French with her daughter Melinda French Gates, 1/1/94

If you don’t set your own agenda,somebody else will.
– Elaine Amerland French

Mrs. French’s lesson had a powerful impact on her daughter:

If I didn’t fill my schedule with things I felt were important, other people would fill my schedule with things they felt were important.

Melinda and Bill Gates

Stigma

Women are conditioned to please and sublimate our needs to serve others. It is rooted in subjugation of women, and stigma forces us to hide in shame rather than raise our voices and fight back:

There is social approval for women who don’t ask for much, who show self-doubt, who don’t seek power, who won’t speak out, who aim to please.

. . .the more powerless the girl is, the more appealing she is to the family that receives her. They don’t want a girl with a voice, skills, or ideas. They want an obedient and defenseless servant.

. . .women were entitled to very few roles in life: to marry and serve a man, and bear and take care of his children. Any detour from these duties brought disrepute. . .A woman’s pleasure, especially her sexual pleasure, was terrifying to the keepers of the social order. . .

“You exist for my pleasure!”

. . .Shaming women for their sexuality is a standard tactic for drowning out the voices of women who want to decide whether and when to have children.

Melinda, Phoebe, Jenn, Bill, and Rory Gates

Sometimes the best thing a mother can do

for her children

is not have another child.

Melinda Gates, The Moment of Lift

Reproductive Freedom

I was shocked to discover that unmarried women in the United States didn’t have the right to contraceptives until Eisenstadt v. Baird was decided in 1972. Mrs. Gates struggled to reconcile her Church’s stance on contraceptives with the need for women to be able to engage in family planning. She resolved it by focusing on Christ’s teaching to love our neighbors:

When women can decide whether and when to have children, it saves lives, promotes health, expands education, and creates prosperity ~ no matter what country in the world you’re talking about.

The US. . .is using policy to shrink the conversation, suppress voices, and allow the powerful to impose their will on the poor. . .

Women who are well off won’t be harmed, and women with a stable income have options. But poor women are trapped. . .politicians target people who can’t fight back, that’s bullying.

It’s especially galling that some of the people who want to cut funding for contraceptives cite morality. In my view, there is no morality without empathy, and there is certainly no empathy in this policy. Morality is loving your neighbor. . .trying to ease your neighbor’s burdens ~ not add to them. . .decisions are made for women by men.

Did you know that you could earn a bachelor’s and master’s degree in the time you will invest in unpaid work over your lifetime?

For women who spend all their hours doing unpaid work, the chores of the day kill the dreams of a lifetime. . .it is paid work that elevates women toward equality with men and gives them power and independence. . .The unpaid work a woman does in the home is a barrier to the activities that can advance her. . .Unequal unpaid work blocks a woman’s path to empowerment.

When Jenn Gates started kindergarten, Bill Gates drove her to school twice a week. Mothers stuck in the car pool line went home and told their husbands: “Bill Gates is driving his child to school; you can, too.”

Raymond, Melinda, and Elaine French at Melinda’s graduation from Duke.

Violence Against Women

I was stunned to read that Mrs. Gates was in an abusive relationship before she met her husband:

He never wanted me to eclipse him. . .He saw me as someone who could play a useful role in his life. . .when I see women being put down or kept in certain roles, I see myself in them.

She is passionate on the issue of violence against women:

Gender-based violence is one of the most common human rights abuses in the world. . .men try to control women. . .There is no equality without safety.

As we advocate to prevent abuse, we would all be wise to heed the advice of Molly Melching:

Outrage can save on girl or two. Only empathy can change the system.

Mrs. Gates adds:

We need to do more than identify the abusers; we have to heal the unhealthy culture that supports them. . .the false hierarchy that puts women below men. . .treated as objects. . .

When women are trapped in abuse and isolated from other women, we can’t be a force against violence because we have no voice. But when women gather with one another, include one another, tell our stories to one another, share our grief with one another, we find our voice with one another. We create a new culture.

Sexism is more deeply rooted in our culture than racism. Mrs. Gates gave me the courage to finally write those words:

Disrespect for women grows when religions are dominated by men. . .men’s false interpretation of scripture. . .I believe without question that the disrespect for women embodied in male-dominant religion is a factor in laws and customs that keep women down.

The most powerful positions in society are often occupied by men who do have wives who do not work outside the home.

Melinda French Gates dancing with her new father-in-law, Bill Gates, Sr.

Bill’s dad has always had a very strong beliefin women’s equality.
– Melinda Gates, The Moment of Lift

Equal Partnerships

Bill and Melinda Gates are committed to an equal partnership in their marriage. They learned this dynamic from both sets of parents:

Equal partnership in marriage promotes health and prosperity and human flourishing. It invites respect. It elevates both partners.

Chorus of Voices

The common thread in The Moment of Lift is Mrs. Gates’ call for women to “find the guts to speak up against waves of tradition.” Don’t allow society to tell you have no value. Surround yourself with people who love and support you:

When women hear our own voices in another woman’s story, our courage grows, and one voice can become a chorus. . .light can flood the places where abusive behavior thrives.

It often takes many women, arms linked, to inspire other women to speak.

Every man who’s a bully is

scared of a group of women.

– Melinda Gates, The Moment of Lift

Empowerment

At the end of the day, love is once again the answer. Yet, how do we turn all that pain into power?

When the women were wounded, they were able to absorb their pain without passing it on. But when the men were wounded, they needed to make someone pay. That’s what fed the cycle of war. . .

If we can face our pain, we can find our voice. . .The only way to end these feelings is to accept them. . .let your heart break. Letting your heart break means sinking into the pain that’s underneath the anger. . .accept the suffering. . .hurt can turn into hatred.

There is a big difference between a loud voice and a strong voice. The loud voice of a man who has no inner life and is a stranger to his own grief is never a voice for justice; it’s a voice for self interest, dominance, or vengeance.

Nelson Mandela

Their voice rings with moral power.

There will be plenty of resistance, but

lasting progress will come from a moral appeal.

– Melinda Gates, The Moment of Lift

Nelson Mandela realized that if he stayed angry, he would still be prisoner ~ and he wanted to be free.

The goal for humanity is not equality but connection.Love is what makes us one.Love is what lifts us up.
– Melinda Gates, The Moment of Lift

While I was reading The Moment of Lift, the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV) posted the Equality Wheel on Facebook. It charts a healthy relationship in which love, respect, and equality are present.