John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Has the Reality of My Loss Set in Yet? (Published 8-30-11)

Q:

Hi. I just lost my mother a week ago and have returned home from taking care of her apartment, car, possessions and her life. My mom was only 48 years old and I am 29. I am worried that the reality of my loss has not quite set in yet. My sleep pattern and appetite have been affected tremendously. I feel physical pain plus odd muscle twinges I did not have before. I am not abusing alcohol or drugs. I was always the strong one in the family and the one who took care of everything and everyone.

My question is if I feel numb am I still grieving? I was only angry for a few days following her death and now I am just sad. More than sad. I understand that this is a traumatic experience but I am worried that the pain I feel will hit me all of once and render me incapable of living the life of a fully functioning adult. Do you think that is reasonable worry? Thank you for the help.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Amber,

Thank you for your poignant email and questions.

We want to focus on one particular part of your note, where you say: “I am worried that the reality of my loss has not quite set in yet.”

You are probably very correct in that assumption. Years ago we coined a phrase, “emotional Novocain” to explain the fact that our body/mind package will shut us down to protect us from feeling the amount and intensity of pain caused by the death of someone important to us, and particularly a sudden or unexpected death. Although you didn’t mention the cause of your mother’s death, or whether it was sudden or the result of a long illness, the sense of unreality also applies when a death is out of scope in time, as must be the case when a woman of 48 dies.

[Note - we got an email back from Amber explaining that her mother had died of a sudden heart attack.]

Either way, that is why grieving people often seem to be able to get through the first week or ten days after a death, but are surprised at what happens to them after that, when the full reality of the loss hits them.

It’s also important to note that that initial reaction in which the reality doesn’t seem to have hit, is not the famous denial that is alluded to in the alleged stages a dying person might go through. It’s really a protective survival response which gives you the time and ability to adapt to the painful reality of the death.

As you absorb what we’ve just said, it’s important for you to understand that what’s going on—including your legitimate sense that it hasn’t hit you yet—is normal and natural. That said, you would be well-advised to make sure you have people you trust who you can talk with when and as the reality of your feelings comes crashing to the surface. The more you can speak about what you’re experiencing, the more you will reduce the possibility of something emotionally or physically negative happening to you; and the less liable you will be to be rendered incapable of functioning.

Here’s a link to an article of ours titled Normal And Natural Grief Reactions, as it appears on Tributes.com: http://www.tributes.com/grief_recovery_center/article/11 And here’s a short section from that article: Numbness: A sense of numbness is the most common reaction you’re likely to experience in the days and weeks immediately following the death of someone meaningful in your life. It’s the body’s way of protecting you from the amount and intensity of feeling caused by the death. Please understand that numbness is a normal—and even healthy—protection from the sometimes overwhelming impact of a death. We often refer to the numbness as “emotional Novocain.” Even though numbness is a normal and typical reaction, not knowing that’s true sometimes causes grievers to think there’s something wrong with them, or that they are crazy. Nothing could be further from the truth.