Worst thing you’ll see all week: Virus X

Sybil Danning, who looks great for a 90-year-old, is running some sort of secret program to make a deadly H1N1 virus. People get kidnapped and infected to cultivate the virus, which is then studied by a crack team of scientists, who aren’t hip to the kidnapping part of the endeavor.

These scientists are played by the sorts of handsome young actors who pass for scientists these days. Remember when scientists used to look like the actors in The Thing or the original Andromeda Strain? They tended to look fifty, sleep-deprived, and intelligent.

Anyway, our young scientists are obliviously lunching in the break room when an abducted prostitute who’s been infected escapes from her cell. A freaky assassin dude with an accent and a blonde wig for no good reason* (pictured) gives chase. In an unintentionally hilarious scene, the prostitute bursts in on our young lunching scientists. When the assassin dude shows up, he shoots the escaped prostitute, which sprays blood on all the young scientists, putting them off their lunch and infecting them with a deadly strain of H1N1 virus. Oops. Sybil Danning orders the doors locked so they can be studied. Now they have three days to find a cure and hook up — there are couple of sex scenes — before they all succumb to the H1N1 virus, which apparently makes you bleed from your eyes and act kind of like a zombie.

For a far better movie about handsome young people dealing with a virus, I recommend Carriers, starring Chris Pine and Piper Perabo. No joke. That’s a great movie. Virus X, not so much.