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Thursday, February 9, 2012

Public Restrooms

Many people seem to look at public restrooms as both an opportunity to do things they wouldn't do at home, and a creative playground.

Just The Facts

110 percent of the craps taken in a public restroom are diarrhea. Ten percent wind up outside of the toilets.

Trying to fart without someone hearing is impossible and pointless because someone else always walks in as soon as the last person walks out.

Gas station bathrooms should only be entered if you are on fire or in a zombie movie, and there isn't another door or any open wilderness within miles.

Landmarks, Hazards and Annoyances

Public restrooms are a veritable wasteland of desperation and diarrhea. Everyone who has ever used a public restroom knows what to expect to find. Anyone who has not used one is a weirdo, and is one of the six luckiest people on Earth.

Public restrooms always include at least all of the following...

Graffiti - Definitely the highlight of a typical field trip to the crapper. This can be compared to anything from cave paintings to a rolodex of escort service numbers, dependent on the store and/or gas station and/or strip club that you're at. You'll see at least 50 randomly drawn or carved curse words, unimaginable artwork, several dudes' numbers, your mom's number, and sometimes an actual conversation.

Hieroglypshits, if you will. Meh, we could do better but...you know, laziness.

Turdffiti - The worst thing you can find in a bathroom. Same as graffiti, but drawn with poop. If you discover a turdffiti drawing, call a hazmat team to cleanse the area and yourself....or, if you did it, call a mental institution and commit yourself.

Floor Turd (could also be a Sink, Wall, or Toilet Tank Turd) - These are nice, self-explanatory surprises that you find laying on the floor of a stall or an even more unfitting place for human waste. This is the typically done by people who are extremely drunk, or those who are just deviant and want to make a janitor cry.

Broken Toilet - Happens every time you have to take an earth shattering, spleen passing, life threatening zeppelin of a dump. You never notice until after, as they are rarely labeled. Even if they are labeled, you are in too much of a hurry to notice until you find yourself wiping with the "Out of Order" sign.

Pee Gel - Describes the coagulated layer of urine present on every public restroom floor. Many bathrooms have drains on the floor, which are pretty much just there to mock you, as they are no help against pee that has turned to Jello. The pee is several feet thick in men's bathrooms.

The Pubic Hair of Doom - No matter what toilet you're forced to crap on, there will always be a worm-sized pubic hair on the toilet seat. Brush it off the seat with something other than your hand. If you don't, it will embed itself in your skin with it's teeth.

Glory Hole - Where perverts live. A glory hole is a hole cut in the wall or between stalls meant for both peeping and spreading sexually transmitted diseases.

Snot Spots - Uninspired name aside, these are localized areas of bathroom stalls or walls that inexplicably accumulate boogers. These always happen in the same spots, as when the first booger breaks ground a hundred million more will follow suit. The toilet paper that sits right beside you will have to wait and just wipe your ass instead, as it is for some reason not for blowing noses.

Lady's Delight - A used female sanitary device that has been left behind, either inside or outside of a toilet, for the next bathroom user to stumble upon. The ultimate grossout, but at least they mostly happen in women's restrooms. Mostly.

Log Paper - Sometimes there will be toilet paper available. However, when there is, you will go out of your way to wipe yourself with something else. Public toilet paper is a combination of wood, pine cones, metal shavings, ass hairs and steel wool. Despite being rougher than sex with a dump truck, this paper is still somehow thinner than air, and you will promptly get shit finger even when using a basketball sized wad of it to wipe.

Typical Public Restroom Toilet Paper

Inhabitants

There are also many abnormal people that dwell within a public restroom to avoid. They include, but are not limited to:

Talkers - Complete strangers that talk to you or others while you're using the bathroom. There are many types, including phonetalkers (see below). Never talk to any of them.

Stalltalkers - People that talk to you from within a stall. They are creepier than normal talkers, as you can not see what they are doing.

Phonetalkers - Texting or using mobile web on the toilet in public is fine...it does not reveal you to be disgusting. However, there are people who find it necessary to share the sounds of straining with their friends. These are phonetalkers.

Creepers - These are usually curious little kids, but can also be a type of pervert. These are people that look or even climb under or over a stall at you. If you encounter one, put your foot on their face and push them out.

The Intoxicated - The drunk and/or stoned are 100% more likely to contribute to the previously described hazards. If you are one of The Intoxicated and feel the urge to pass out in a public restroom, don't. You will suffer the wrath.

Human Spaceships - People who hover over the toilet seat to go. God forbid a few germs get on the outside of your buttcheeks while an infinite amount of germs drop into the toilet from between them. Women are the biggest culprits, as they both fear germs and fear being normal. If a guy hovers, he is most certainly drunk and is not currently in control of his depth perception. Hovering can only be excused if there is a non-urine based bodily fluid on the toilet seat, which would likely have been caused by hovering in the first place. So DON'T DO IT.

22 comments:

"Sometimes there will be toilet paper available. However, when there is, you will go out of your way to wipe yourself with something else. Public toilet paper is a combination of wood, pine cones, metal shavings, ass hairs and steel wool. Despite being rougher than sex with a dump truck, this paper is still somehow thinner than air, and you will promptly get shit finger even when using a basketball sized wad of it to wipe."

this is an excellent description of public restroom TP....spot on...as they say...

Sorry I've been absent lately. Working all day and then when I get home I just want to sleep. Plus my sister is moving into the apartment next to mine. I have been TOLD I will be helping her over the weekend. I'm really not looking forward to having her next door. That may sound mean, but I have my reasons. Guess I will have to make the most of it.

Gross on these bathrooms. Makes me just want to wear a Depends and never use the public pots. Thanks for the info Michael. I wonder which is worse-- men's or womens bathrooms? Zona, could u google that please?

There is a definite problem in our office...and we are in health care for crying out loud!

I have found big poops on the outside of the toilet, pee covered toilet seats, toilet paper with poop on it and a log left in the toilet as big as a 1 litre water bottle...laying sideways in the bowl and no way it could get down that little hole. How in the hell did it pass thru anyone's bowels and rectum and not cause a blood curdling scream? LOL!

And the worst...someone dropped a poop in the hallway...and left it there. How do you not know you pooped? And how did it by-pass the undies or pants?

I happened to see Jeopardy today...the answer to final jeopardy was the poem Evangeline...somehow I knew the answer. Only one player got it right.

I remembered the poem from high school and all I really remembered about it was that I hated it because it was so damn long...

So I googled it and it is Longfellows most famous poem. And to summarize....it describes the betrothal of a fictional Acadian girl named Evangeline Bellefontaine to her beloved, Gabriel Lajeunesse, and their separation as the British deport the Acadians from Acadie in the Great Upheaval. The poem then follows Evangeline across the landscapes of America as she spends years in a search for him, at some times being near to Gabriel without realizing he was near. Finally she settles in Philadelphia and, as an old woman, works as a Sister of Mercy among the poor. While tending the dying during an epidemic she finds Gabriel among the sick, and he dies in her arms.

I remembered it when I started reading..."This is the forest primeval"...

I thought I'll do a blog about this poem and see how many remember it...and I opened a PDF to get the entire poem...its fifty pages long....so I though...maybe not...

so it seems to me...whether its poop on a wall or 50 pages of dactylic hexameter...I try to contribute...even if it stinks some time...or embeds its teeth in your finger...

Michael quit being a poop. I was laughing when I typed my response earlier. I have also worked in retail all my life and even had to fish womens kotex out of plugged up toilets. I was just saying my stomach was not up to the blog yesterday. Sheesh.

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