Hi everyone, I'm new here and feel like I am in panice mode trying to get my wife back!
So heres the deal, me and my wife have been married for almost three years, and have been together for six, we have two kids age 5 and 3, our relationship hasn't been the best from the beginning, we met and hung out briefly before she got pregnant unexpectadly, we have had our issues with the relationship from the beginning, but I feel like we both do really care for eachother, and have had some great times together, amongst all the bad, she has told me time and time again what she wants from me, and for a short while i would change and things would be better, then I would get comfortable again, and be back in the same boat, I do feel like I am depressed at times, and I know our family suffers because of that.
So now I just discovered she is having an emotional affair with a patient of hers at work, they have been texting nonstop for weeks now, and when I say nonstop, I mean every other minute!!! I am so torn up over it, and have expressed my feelings about this and told her I love her more than anything, and want to change for good, but she said she doesnt want to quit talking to this guy, and it kills me. When I confronted her about it, I was calm and collective to my suprise, but she has talked about divorce in the past, and now this doesnt help, I feel she can't look past her emotional affair to focus on our family. I don't know what to do from here, and I am in panic mode, and my heart hurts so bad, she is very special, so I can understand why somebody else would want to talk to her, but at the same time it's my wife and my family, and she acts like the emotional affair is more important to her than me and wants out? but I feel deep down she does love me and want a good family life, but she always wants something better and right now, and I try to do the best I can to satisfy her needs, I just want her back, and this other guy out, but she is emotionally attached to this guy, and I dont know how to get her out, and I know she has to make up her mind to get out of the emotional affair, I want to help her and get it done right now, so we can move forward with our family, and be stronger than ever!!
Sorry for such a long story, but any help would be so greatly appreciated!!! Thank you!!

I just want her back, and this other guy out, but she is emotionally attached to this guy, and I don't know how to get her out, and I know she has to make up her mind to get out of the emotional affair, I want to help her and get it done right now, so we can move forward with our family, and be stronger than ever!!

1. Don't panic, stay as strong and confident around her as you can. She needs to see you are in control of yourself and have the stones to take on getting the marriage back on track.

2. Don't dote on her, a complete reversal in your attentions will likely drive her further away.

3. Usually an EA is driven by the spouse searching for something they are not getting at home. Read The Five Languages of Love by Chapman to see if you really understand her love language.

4. Whatever changes you feel you need to make, commit to them for life, you can not faultier. Make sure they are changes you can live with forever. But don't lose yourself in this either, you've made mistakes but she's made them too. Especially the EA.

5. Recognize that you are in a highly stressed state and everything she does, positive or negative is magnified in your eyes.

6. Don't rehash the issues over and over. If there is something new discuss it but don't pick the scabs.

7. Don't profess your love or commitment at every turn, your actions will speak louder than words at this point. Only a sustained effort will be recognized by her with time. Your words mean little as you have failed her before.

8. You are correct that contact with TOM must end. How to get her there varies from case to case. It may take some time, some track record on your part or an ultimatum but she will need to cross that bridge if she is to really see you in a better light.

9. Don't attack TOM, he is her emotional center right now, she'll just defend him and resent you.

10. Strap in, this is going to take a long time if it is going to be fixed correctly.

Welcome to Talk About Marriage. You've come to a good place. Please linger a while and read up on how others have dealt with similar troubles.

I am so sorry that you are facing this trouble. It's very painful and sad. However, there is hope. You love her, and you mention that she loves you. That's a great, great sign. It's a good way to start a healthy recovery from this disaster.

First things first: calm down! Take a deep breath (or more). Nothing happens in an instant with regard to affairs, and there is a process you can got through to help end this and start heading down the right path together. You have time. Experience your fear, anger, etc. - allow yourself to feel these things (since you are going to anyway!) The key here is not to act on those emotions. Don't act out of fear, or anger, or any other emotion. The actions you can take to save your marriage are deliberate, thoughtful, and meaningful. Your emotions will go all over the map. Allow that to happen.

There is a set process that you can use (we've found this to be very effective) by which you can recover your marriage.

First, I am sure you have an inkling of why affairs start - you mention it in your post: things go great, then die down, and get 'comfortable,' etc. Most marriages go this way. It's not often that people start out being deliberately married. By deliberately married, I mean making deliberate choices every day that are designed to strengthening the marriage. Most people go through much of their married life 'status quo' - until something major comes along - at which case they jump to work and fix things - and then go back into dormant mode. We've found that your marriage will be much more successful, and much more happy, if you work at it all the time, rather than when things get so bad there is pain.

The reason? Because things don't go bad 'all of the sudden.' It is a gradual process, and eventually there's enough pain that a fight, or an affair, or some other incorrect solution rears it's ugly head.

So you know why affairs start. To end an affair is also a deliberate process - you take the first step, if that works, you move on to means of recovering. If the first step does not work, you move on to the second - and if that works, you move on to recovery. If that does not work, you move to the third step, etc.

Before you start: make a vow to yourself that you will become the Greatest Spouse In The World. You will become the person your spouse married, the one they fell in love with.

First step: Sit down with your wife and formally request that she end the affair. Don't fight about it, don't plead, don't try to bargain. All you want to do is make the statement, pure and simple. What this does is starts the process of recovery, regardless of whether your spouse agrees or not. By formally requesting an end to the affair, you bring it to the forefront as a focal point for both you and your spouse. It can no longer be ignored, excused, hidden, etc.

Part of the formal request is to ask you spouse to stop ALL contact with this other person. This is a bigger step than you can at first imagine - there's a lot of information that we can get to you later.

If your spouse agrees to stop the affair, you can move on to working on recovery (yes, there are some deliberate things you can do there too)

Second Step: If your spouse does not agree to end the affair, then you must bring it to light. That means exposing it to the right people. The Other Person's spouse/significant other should be aware that their partner is being unfaithful. If the affair is at a work place, alert the Human Resources Dept (or equivalent) about the affair. Talk to parents, pastors, counselors, friends, etc.

This step is NOT designed nor intended as anything vindictive. It is used in order to bring the affair to light. Most affairs are hidden things - part of the allure is the 'secret-ness' of the whole thing. They are fantasies that are created in a world of dishonesty and illusion, manipulated by misdirection. What this step does is shed light on the affair - revealing it's ugly side.

If this step succeeds (it quite often does) you can move on to recovering your marriage. If it fails, then you have some work ahead of you.

The third step: This involves what you've already begun. For the time being you will have to live with your spouse being unfaithful, and hurting you every day. In this step you will continue to be the person your spouse fell in love with - and grow to be more than that - someone they desire.

HOWEVER! This step must be temporary. No one can continue to be hurt by the careless actions of their spouse indefinitely. At some point you will lose all love for your partner altogether - something you don't want to do. Perhaps set yourself six months or so. Stick by that limit.

There are two reasons for this step: one reason is that you will leave a lasting impression on your spouse about the person they were harming. The other reason is that you can face the next step with grace - knowing that you did all you really could.

It is quite possible during this step that your spouse will begin to fall in love with you again. That's the whole purpose of this step - to rekindle the love you once had, an to build on that.

If, however, your spouse continues in the affair, and the end of your preset time allotment comes - your must move to the next step:

Fourth Step: Here you will either move out, or move your spouse out of your life. You will break all contact with your spouse, and allow them to face the full consequences of their choice of someone else over you. This step is not one to be taken lightly, and there are some specific things you must do while setting this one up. Don't undertake it without advice from people who've had experience with it.

Many affairs don't get this far. I doubt seriously that yours will at all. In any event - don't skip over any steps. Do them one at a time, in the order given. And keep posting. We'll be here.

Thank you I greatly appreciate the advice!!!, I tried to do most of those things already, I am having trouble with number 1 on your list, I feel like I have to tell her how hurt I am, and how much I love her, but that doesnt seem to work, also she says today she does not want to quit texting this guy, and wont quit texting him, and that tears me up so bad, I feel like when we sit down and have a good conversation, and progress to moving forward, she goes to work and texts the guy, comes home for lunch and we are in the same boat we were before, me out the door and eventually the new guy in. She seems so oblivious to this other guys intentions which is to obviously take it to the next level, which is sex. She says its not like that, but I can almost guarantee it is for this new guy, wether he says so or not, I just dont know how to handle the fact that she wont quit texting him, and focus on me and our family! any more thoughts on this would help immensly!! thank you!

, I am having trouble with number 1 on your list, I feel like I have to tell her how hurt I am, and how much I love her, but that doesnt seem to work, also she says today she does not want to quit texting this guy, and wont quit texting him, and that tears me up so bad,

You must call her parents and his wife/parents and tell them what is going on. She needs to see that what she is doing is wrong and no one can bring that home like a parent. She won't hear it from you. If she has siblings, call them, too. Ask them to help you save the marriage, at least for the kids' sakes.

She has to be away from his influence before she will ever even consider you again. So your first step has to be stopping their contact.

If she refuses, call her family and his family. If they refuse to get involved, visit her HR department and tell them what's going on. Your marriage will NOT survive if she doesn't stop contact, and she can always get another job. She will be mad, but your marriage can survive her anger; it can't survive another man.

Amplexor, thank you for posting as well, but I feel like I don't have any focus or time to sit down and read a book, it is so hard for me to focus on anything but the task at hand, I am having trouble working and total loss of motivation and focus in life, I try to keep my eye on the prize, but I don't want to beat the subject to death and push her farther away, we are supposed to talk about things tonite, and figure something out, I tried to demand that she stop texting this guy, and I thought she said she told him that I found out and that wasnt fair to her marriage and family, and then he must have texted her this morning, and now things are back to where they were, and she claims she never told me she was going to stop texting him? I apologize in advance, I am just freaking out so bad, my heart is sunk so far into my chest, I am trying so hard to keep myself together!! Thank you!!!

You must call her parents and his wife/parents and tell them what is going on. She needs to see that what she is doing is wrong and no one can bring that home like a parent. She won't hear it from you. If she has siblings, call them, too. Ask them to help you save the marriage, at least for the kids' sakes.

She has to be away from his influence before she will ever even consider you again. So your first step has to be stopping their contact.

If she refuses, call her family and his family. If they refuse to get involved, visit her HR department and tell them what's going on. Your marriage will NOT survive if she doesn't stop contact, and she can always get another job. She will be mad, but your marriage can survive her anger; it can't survive another man.

Thank you Turnera, i dont know who this guy is? or his parents, if she wont cut off contact with him, I was going to call her mother and have a heart to heart with her, we dont have the best relationship, but she has always been on my side when she felt her daughter was doing something wrong. Thank you!!!

P.S. one of my fears though is she will resent me for contacting her mom, and push her farther away?? even though she looks up to her mom and they are best friends, if she doesnt agree with something she says, she wont follow her moms advice??

Have you talked to this guy? A lot of times, they will run for the hills if you turn up the heat.

I havent talked to this guy, he knows that I know, but I fear the worst, that if I do call him and see what is going on, that will give them more to talk about and in the end push her into his arms, and despise me for doing that???? I'm so desperate I dont know what to do!!!!!!

You need to STOP operating out of fear. This is your wife and your marriage. It is your JOB to fight for them. So what if your wife gets mad at you? If she leaves you over a phone call, you don't want that marriage anyway.

And it doesn't matter if she doesn't follow her mom's advice. The reason for getting her parents and siblings involved is that it shatters her bubble, her fantasy. It makes her realize these guys, her family, are NOT going to welcome this guy home for Thanksgiving...hmmm, maybe there's something wrong with this picture...you know?

Right now the most important thing to do is STOP the contact. Get her phone, get the phone number, and go online and backtrack to get his info. Pay a service if you have to. It's worth it to save your marriage.

You HAVE to talk to this guy. Nothing they say about you can be any worse than what they're saying now. And half the time, if a guy's just looking to score, if the husband shows up and gives him what for, he'll disappear. And go looking for someone else who's less trouble.

You need to STOP operating out of fear. This is your wife and your marriage. It is your JOB to fight for them. So what if your wife gets mad at you? If she leaves you over a phone call, you don't want that marriage anyway.

And it doesn't matter if she doesn't follow her mom's advice. The reason for getting her parents and siblings involved is that it shatters her bubble, her fantasy. It makes her realize these guys, her family, are NOT going to welcome this guy home for Thanksgiving...hmmm, maybe there's something wrong with this picture...you know?

Right now the most important thing to do is STOP the contact. Get her phone, get the phone number, and go online and backtrack to get his info. Pay a service if you have to. It's worth it to save your marriage.

You HAVE to talk to this guy. Nothing they say about you can be any worse than what they're saying now. And half the time, if a guy's just looking to score, if the husband shows up and gives him what for, he'll disappear. And go looking for someone else who's less trouble.

That does make me feel better and give me more confidence!! Thank you!!! I am willing to do whatever it takes for this girl, I do have his phone number, I found out this was going on through our cell phone bill, I could not believe how many texts were taking place, all day every 2 or 3 minutes back and forth, so devastating to find out, my heart was pounding so hard I thought I was gonna have a heart attack, and I'm only 30 years old!!! Thank you so much for all the advice, but I still fell like I need more?

Another thing is, what do I say to this guy to make him stop texting my wife?? I assume the obvious, like its my wife I love her, your interfering with my family, stuff like that, but what happens when hge texts my wife and tells her?? 'cause you know its going to happen, and what if she tells him not to stop, and don't worry about her husband?? I can't except the fact that if that happens then my wife isn't worth being with, even if that would eventually be the case???? SO CONFUSED!!!!

Look, this is a war. She is being brainwashed by the affair. It's your job to protect her from the fog that's enveloping her.

How would you act if this was a guy who was shooting your wife up with heroin?

You'd be MAD at him!

BE mad. You have a right to.

Stop acting like a scared kid. YOU are the person here being hurt, YOU are the one who has the RIGHT to fight back and be mad.

If you get her away from her drug, and the fog clears, and she realizes what she has done to you, you can fix your marriage.

But that will never happen until you stop their contact.

Personally, I'd call her mom, her dad, any brothers and sisters, and her best friend. Then I'd get in my car and go get MY best friend and go VISIT this guy. Never touch him. Very calmly look him in the eye and say 'you are messing with a married woman, and I do not intend to allow this to continue. It's your choice on how much you're willing to risk to continue contacting my wife. This is my one and only warning.'

Then turn around and leave. Make sure you bring a witness. Make sure you don't threaten violence. Then go home an hire a PI to dig up as much dirt as you can on this guy and start getting prepared to make his life messy if he doesn't back off.

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:

Password

Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:

Confirm Password:

Email Address

Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:

OR

Log-in

User Name

Password

Remember Me?

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.