Bad

Some days I wish I was back getting whipped by my Daddy Dom, tied to a tree ball gagged and blind folded wearing nothing but a pair of stilettos.

Why?

Things seemed easier, everything was so clearly defined. I didn’t have to make too many decisions. If I overate, there were immediate consequences; he beat me so hard I couldn’t stand. He was like a sadistic drill instructor that was up my ass 24/7. He probably wasn’t helping to manage my eating disorder out of genuine caring; it was self-serving because he wanted me to remain in a slender body . After all, he was superficial and shallow and had I gained weight he would have dumped me in a heartbeat.

He told me he loved me but I knew somewhere deep inside me that it was a lie. I hurt but I ended up being okay with it because on some core level I didn’t feel deserving of love.

So the relationship ended up being based almost entirely upon sex. Which wasn’t all bad. Right? I mean sex is good. Even bad sex is good. Well, until he started telling me his fantasies were about wanting to abduct teenage girls and torture them. Yeah, that kinda ruined things. It’s kinda that oh shit moment where you realize it’s a lot bigger than just your relationship going belly up or the loss of your integrity.

My fiancé is sober almost 3 years from alcohol. He doesn’t beat me for overeating. He’s not a Daddy dominant. He doesn’t tie me to trees and cane my tits til their purple. When I met him he didn’t even know what “rimming” was. We are a vanilla couple. He tells me he loves me but deep down I don’t know if I believe it because at that same core level I still don’t believe I am deserving of love.

What is the old saying, you can take the girl out of the city; but you can never really take the city out of the girl.

It seems like whether I am paired with a sociopathic pig or with a decent man the end result is the same, my feelings about myself have not changed over time. My long-standing operating belief system says “You are bad”. It is preventing me from any real chance at intimacy.

While I with the ex-Dom I knew that he was a bad man. I felt bad about myself and suffered a great deal at his hands but I longed for something better. However, I figured this was as good as it gets for someone who is broken like me. In the end I resigned myself that we were just better paired for each together because we were both broken. He in his sociopathy and I in my victimization.

At present, that the proverbial good guy is finally in my life and I can’t shake off this feeling that I am still not good enough. Which makes me throw walls up, I don’t want him to get too close. It’s like I don’t want to infect him with my “broken” poison. At times when my walls aren’t strong enough to keep him out, I resort to direct self-sabotage methods which are more aggressive, Mostly verbal attacks. This causes him to emotionally distance and pull away. He doesn’t know it’s because I fear he will somehow get contaminated just by being involved with me too closely.

It all started so far back in childhood. This brokenness. The feeling unlovable, like I was just “bad.” I suppose it was a product of the incest, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and verbal abuse. How much does one have to rehash this shit in therapy before they can be “done”?

I’m just so done with seeing a shrink. There’s only so much you can tell, the same horror stories without them becoming too activating and re-traumatizing.

I’m coming to the conclusion that maybe some people like me, just stay broken. I mean, maybe we just do. Or maybe I just need to take a flight out of the country and just need a geographical break from my life. Like that movie,” Eat, Pray, Love”.

Okay. First pay off $30,000 in credit card debt. Then travel abroad. Then get unbroken. Find spiritual peace. In that order.