Thursday, April 28, 2016

They say with age comes wisdom. But does it really? Or is it just that as
you get older, you stop giving a flying fuck? I guess most of us won’t find out
until our hair starts turning gray and we start shitting in bags. For Old Man
Logan, he doesn’t have to wait. He knows and despite looking like a walking
Just For Men before picture, he carries himself with the kind of wisdom and don’t-give-a-fuck
attitude that makes Wolverine awesome.

The first arc of Old Man Logan was a testament and a love letter to
everything we love about Wolverine. If I were a woman, I’d return that love
letter with naked pictures and a wedding ring. Now, Jeff Lemire and Andrea
Sorrentino are looking to expand Old Man Logan’s role in the new Marvel
universe. He’s finally accepted that he’s not in the past. He’s just in a world
where mutants are fucked for a whole different reason. At least it’s a world
where he hasn’t killed all his friends and Storm isn’t married anymore. Old Man
Logan #5 launches the next chapter in his new life and while I may not be a
woman, let’s just say naked pictures aren’t entirely off the table.

The first arc ended with him catching up with the events of Extraordinary
X-men. This new arc pics up right after that in as good a transition as we can
possibly expect from the X-books these days. Old Man Logan needs to run off and
do some Wolverine shit again. This leads a nice moment with storm, one that’s
full of drama and emotional undertones and possibly some incredible sexual
tension. I know Old Man Logan doesn’t look nearly as hot as his former, Hugh
Jackman inspiring self, but I imagine Storm needs to get laid just that much at
this point.

It’s not about her busting his balls for running off. It’s about her
reminding him how much she and the X-men need him. That kind of fucks with Old
Man Logan, seeing as how he blames himself for slaughtering the X-men in his
world. But that’s exactly what makes the drama so appropriate and juicy. Not
sure he’s ready for Storm to jump his bone, but I imagine even Old Man Logan
isn’t too old to avoid temptation.

Once again, Andrea Sorrentino’s gritty artwork fits the tone of Old Man
Logan like chocolate frosting atop a pot brownie. It makes for a perfect
backdrop as Old Man Logan ventures out into a world he doesn’t belong in. It’s
also a world that’s being fucked over by clouds of Inhuman farts, but it’s
still an upgrade compared to the wasteland he came from, although that’s
certainly subject to change. Even so, Sorrentino’s artwork here, depicting Old
Man Logan on a motorcycle, couldn’t be more Wolverine-esque without a bottle of
whiskey in the background.

He eventually arrives at his destination. It’s an isolated ice road town
where the wolf population is higher than the human population. But he’s not
just here to pitch a new shitty reality show for the Discovery Channel. He’s
there because he came to this same place in his world.

It leads to another wonderfully appropriate, exceedingly brutal flashback.
Just like those in the first arc, this one is perfectly placed and beautifully depicted,
providing relevant insight into Old Man Logan’s fucked up story. This one
involves his efforts to kill himself after he slaughtered his friends. Having
an adamantium skeleton and a healing factor made that surprisingly difficult.
He even tried letting a train run over his head. And it still didn’t work. Let
that sink in for a moment and then go get some aspirin.

It leads to a defining moment for Old Man Logan, one where he buried his
X-men costume and his title as Wolverine. It’s the moment that transformed him
into this distinct manifestation of Wolverine that is so different from the
whiny pretty boy version we see in the movie or the arrogant, don’t-give-a-fuck-and-flirt-with-married-women
version that we see in so many comics. It’s an important moment in its own
right and one that is even more relevant now that he’s with a new team of X-men
in a new world.

This defining moment has all sorts of dramatic weight. Him returning to
Weapon X and hoping to punish himself? Not so much. It turns out only half as
bad as you would think. Then again, this is after he tried and failed to kill
himself by getting his head run over by a train. So it’s a lot more
understandable in that context. It basically sets the stage for Old Man Logan
to start stabbing things again after he threw away his X-men uniform. That’s
one distinction that every form of Wolverine has to embrace to some degree.

Old Man Logan is only slightly less inclined to embrace it compared to his
predecessors. Back in the present, he’s more inclined to stop and feed a dog
before he stabs something. That doesn’t just win him points with the animal
rights crowd. It wins him points with a cute young woman. She doesn’t look like
Jean Grey and she’s not a Japanese hooker so there’s nothing overly
pornographic about it. It just makes for a nice moment between Old Man Logan
and a girl who loves dogs. It’s not as dramatic as stabbing, but it’s a lot
less messy.

Return to the flashback and the potential for stabbing is much higher.
However, this is during a time when Old Man Logan swore not to fight. So those
assholes that attacked him at the Weapon X facility had an advantage. In most
other X-men universes, they would have found the business end of Wolverine’s
claws in the first half-second and their entrails would become glorified finger
paint. But in Old Man Logan’s world, he never draws his claws. He just gets the
everloving shit kicked out of him. It might be woefully lopsided, but it’s
perfectly appropriate within the context of his history.

This is when we find out why this flashback is so much more relevant than 99
percent of the flashbacks in other comics. This moment, right after Old man
Logan gets the shit kicked out of him, is when he meets Maureen. She’s not Jean
Grey. She’s not Mariko Yashida. And yet in the world of Old Man Logan, she’s
the one who ends up marrying Logan and survives the wedding. That alone
qualifies her to participate in girls nights with Carol Danvers, Wonder Woman,
and Black Widow.

It’s an important moment both in this story and in the grand scheme of Old
Man Logan because Maureen didn’t get a lot of chances to shine. She was just
the woman who managed to give Old Man Logan a reason not to run his head over
with a train a second time. Here, we find out how they meet and how their relationship
unfolds. For someone who managed to convince Old Man Logan to name one of his
kids Scotty, I think she’s earned that level of intrigue.

This is where the ties between the flashback and the present become
perfectly aligned. Remember that adorable young woman who loves taking care of
dogs? Well, that’s the Maureen of this non-dystopian world where Wolverine hasn’t
slaughtered his friends. She’s just a young girl at this point in the timeline.
And no, it doesn’t get creepy in a way the Vatican would have to cover up. Old
Man Logan flat out admits to himself that she’s not the girl he’s destined to
fall in love with and start a family. She’s just a girl he needs to protect. It’s
a perfectly Wolverine-like thing to do, regardless of age. From Jubilee to
X-23, it’s kind of a tradition. At the very least, he has to make sure she
doesn’t end up a vampire.

Old Man Logan’s heart might be in the right place, even if his hair color
and prostate aren’t. However, he’s still Wolverine. That means he’s bound to
attract the kind of danger that needs stabbing. Even in a remote part of Canada
like this, that danger finds him and this is no exception. And who better to
fuck with Old Man Logan’s reluctance to stab things than Lady Deathstrike? He
may not be the same Wolverine she dedicated her life to killing, but I doubt
she gives enough fucks to care. It’s another opportunity to maim and torment
Wolverine. Like a free beer or lap dance from Emma Frost, who is going to turn
that down?

So...is it awesome?

When a series like Old Man Logan sets the bar so fucking high, that’s a
surprisingly hard question to ask. When that same series keeps fighting new
ways to raise the bar and punch the guy raising it in the dick, it gets
somewhat easier. Jeff Lemire and Andrea Sorrentino have made Old Man Logan the
imported scotch of X-men comics and Old Man Logan #5 is just as smooth as all
the previous issues, minus the dry heaves and hangovers. It once again ties Old
Man Logan’s struggles in this world to the world he lost in the most
meaningful, visceral way possible. He’s a different kind of Wolverine, but he’s
still the Wolverine we know and love. Being a jaded old fuck just makes us love
him more.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

I give clones a lot of shit on this blog and I think Spider-Man fans will
agree. They earn it. But there are exceptions to that shit. There are shining
diamonds within those mountains of excrement that make clones a concept that
doesn't have to be completely ditched. Case and point, X-23. She's the new
Wolverine. She's the one carrying on Logan's legacy. While it's debatable just
how much a clone she is since she technically has a mother, she is basically
the exact opposite of everything Spider-Man fans have come to associate with
clones.

The first arc of All-New Wolverine gave X-23 a chance to show that she's
worthy of that legacy. Anyone who doubted her probably kicked themselves in the
balls after reading it. She showed the heart, honor, and willingness to stab
the right people that would've made Logan proud. But, after saving her clone
sisters, there are still plenty more people to stab. All-New Wolverine #7 has
her take a break from all the stabbing. And let’s face it, she’s earned it.
Even Logan needed a break every now and then. Every brewery and redheaded
hooker in Canada would probably agree.

It’s not just the stabbing that wears her out. X-23 also has more baggage
than most teenage girls and I’m not just talking about some bitch stealing her
prom date. She’s still dealing with the death of Logan, her genetic and de-facto
father. And Tom Taylor makes it a point to remind us of that in a flashback,
one that evokes just the right set of emotions that makes X-23 a great
character and the complete antithesis of Hope fucking Summers.

It’s a powerful moment, one where she urges Logan not to run off. She claims
she doesn’t belong with the X-men. Everyone is afraid of her, ignoring at the
time that an angry teenage girl is barely the 10th scariest thing
the X-men deal with. But Logan shows better parenting skills than 95 percent of
everyone who ever appeared on Jerry Springer. He urges her to stay and succeed
where he fails. And hanging out with him tends to get her shot, burned, and disemboweled
and that’s just from when he pisses off Cyclops. She’s better off not making
his mistakes.

It’s a great moment and one Hope fucking Summers never learned form.

That moment gets even more feels when X-23 wakes up from the memory, still
urging Logan not to leave. Him being dead now should evoke that sad yet fuzzy
feeling in your heart that you probably haven’t felt since the first time you
saw the Lion King. Having just rescued her own share of vulnerable clone
sisters, she could use Logan’s help more than ever. Were he not dead, he’d have
dropped the whiskey bottle and put his pants back on to help. But he’s not here
and it’s sad in a beautiful sort of way.

So how do you cheer someone like X-23 up? This looks like a job for Squirrel
Girl! Seriously, who is more qualified to cheer up a pissed off teenage girl
than someone who is a walking ball of warm, fuzzy joy? And unlike whiskey and
hookers, she’ll put a smile on your face for all the right reasons, minus the
dry heaves.

She arrives with X-23 carrying a wolverine. No, not the one that looks like
a bearded Hugh Jackman. I mean an actual wolverine. He even has a name. She
calls him Jonathan, which is kind of like naming a grizzly bear Percy. But it
sounds exactly like something Squirrel Girl would do. She’s going to seek
Wolverine out for help. Why not bring a real wolverine? Did I mention Squirrel
Girl is a non-genius teenage girl who hasn’t been emotionally traumatized yet?
Hope that helps make more sense of it.

It turns out bringing an actual wolverine was ingenuous. For reasons that
only make sense in Joe Quesada’s mind, the wolverine takes to Gabby like a
kitten to a ball of yarn. It’s disturbingly adorable and astonishingly fitting.
A clone of Wolverine’s clone with a pet wolverine? It’s basically the perfect
pitch for a G-rated Disney movie. The soundtrack alone will kick Frozen’s ass.

But beyond getting Gabby a new pet, Squirrel Girl says she’s there to confront
X-23. Apparently, she has a mission for her. This being Squirrel Girl, those
missions usually involve little stabbing and more chirping. But after what X-23
went through in the first arc, maybe she could use a little chirping.

X-23 agrees to the mission, if only because Squirrel Girl saved her the
trouble of buying Gabby a stuffed animal. However, before she leaves, she
confronts Gabby in another emotional moment that echoes with the same feels as
the earlier flashback. Gabby doesn’t want her to leave, just like X-23 didn’t
want Logan to leave. It beautifully parallels the emotions that X-23 has
struggled with throughout her history. If this really were a Disney movie, it
would be the perfect moment for a Let It Go style song. It also gives Gabby a
chance to show that despite being a clone, she’s an adorable young character
with plenty to offer. She’s worth saving and adoring.

You hear that, Hope fucking Summers? This is where you done fucked up.

The mission involved isn’t going to raise anyone’s blood pressure more than
a Looney Toons rerun. X-23 and Squirrel Girl venture off on a mission to find a
missing squirrel that disappeared after a tree got knocked over. Yes, this is
the sort of mission Squirrel Girl prioritizes. And you know what? I don’t have
a problem with that at all. That’s not just the weed talking either. It’s just
one of those cute little eccentricities that the Marvel universe needs in a
world full of killer robots, ugly aliens, and Hope fucking Summers.

X-23 employs her Wolverine skills, picking up a scent and tracing the
missing squirrel to some upscale apartment where douche-bags and Donald Trump
supporters probably live. There’s no elaborate break-in. Nobody gets stabbed,
maimed, or even woken up. It’s not as boring as it sounds. It’s just how things
usually go with Squirrel Girl. And after all the grotesque violence in the
first issue, this is kind of refreshing. X-23 was due for a break in the
violence almost as much as she was due a break from O5 Angel’s whining.

Naturally, X-23 succeeds in her mission with Squirrel Girl. Again, nobody
needs stabbing. Sinister didn’t capture the missing squirrel or anything. Mole
Man didn’t try to turn it into a monster. Some dipshit kid just captured the
squirrel and tried to keep it in a box like a pet, as many dipshit kids tend to
do at some point in their lives. At first, they worry that the squirrel might
be dead, which is like throwing a kid’s Halloween candy in a furnace. Thankfully,
the kid who took the squirrel wasn’t a future serial killer or republican
presidential candidate. The squirrel is alive, well, and Squirrel Girl is squeeing
with joy. I dare anyone to see that and not smile.

They return the grateful squirrel to its family. And, still being a lovable
teenage girl, convinces X-23 to take a selfie and swap numbers. X-23 even
cracks a smile, something Wolverine doesn’t usually do unless he sees a naked
Jean Grey. It’s a beautiful moment where X-23 finds joy in something that doesn’t
involve stabbing. It seems downright therapeutic, not to mention refreshing. It
also gives me up that this isn’t the last team-up between Squirrel Girl and
X-23. They may not be Cable and Deadpool, but they certainly have the potential
to be, minus Deadpool’s dick jokes.

Thanks to Squirrel Girl’s adorable influence, it inspires X-23 to share a
nice moment with Gabby. She basically says to her what Logan never got a chance
to say. She promises she’ll help her and she won’t just ditch her. Yes, I’m
referring to Hope fucking Summers again. I’m sorry, but I do feel like that
shit is worth emphasizing because this has the exact opposite effect. It’s
heartfelt, dramatic, and brings out the best in both characters. It’s the
greatest non-lesbian moment two young female characters can share.

So...is it awesome?

Before I answer that, let me just say this. Any story that has Squirrel Girl
in it gives me the insatiable urge to hug a stuffed animal. Don't judge me. I
have issues. Putting her in a story with X-23 sounds like something that can
only work with the aid of really good weed, but I actually read All-New
Wolverine #7 sober and I still wanted to hug that stuffed animal. So fuck yes,
this was pretty awesome.

It's still a huge fucking shift compared to the last few issues. Nobody got
stabbed, decapitated, or bludgeoned in this issue. And this is a fucking
Wolverine comic. It's like an episode of South Park without the fart jokes. It
seems off, but it still works. I mean, it has an adorable pre-teen girl hugging
an actual wolverine. Where else outside of a fucked up beer commercial are you
going to get that?

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

The following is my review of Action Comics #51, which was
posted on PopMatters.com.

Imagine for a moment that the iPhone has been around for 75 years. How many updates, reinventions, breakthroughs, and setbacks would it have gone through? How many features would it have added, dropped, or botched entirely? It's difficult to imagine because there aren't a lot of things that last 75 years these days. There aren't a lot of things that last 25 years these days, the Simspons notwithstanding.

Despite the onslaught of time, Superman finds way to endure. He's goes through transitions, relaunches, reboots, revamps, and gimmicks that would've broken a lesser character. From Superfriends to Richard Donner to Batfleck, Superman navigates these shifting eras as few characters can. Sure, he's been cloned, killed, resurrected, de-powered, and overpowered. He still endures as the heroic ideal, one who sets the standards by which all heroes not named Deadpool are measured.

With the New 52 era coming to an end to make way for Rebirth, Action Comics #51 prepares Superman for yet another transition. It's a transition that presents a unique set of challenges and not just those that involve being upstaged by Batman every now and then. Losing his powers and having his identity exposed now forces Superman to reassess his position in the DC universe. He'll always be one of its primary pillars, but even he understands there's only so much Superman can do, even if he can do obscenely more than most.

It's for that reason that Action Comics #51 builds a story around Superman preparing the world for a time when he can no longer fulfill his position as the gold standard for heroism in the DC universe. It's not him being proactive either. Once again, Superman is dying. This should carry a lot of emotional weight, but between All-Star Superman and Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, these emotions feel too familiar.

Despite this familiarity, there are important concepts at play here in terms of Superman's legacy. The issue is these concepts are underdeveloped and underplayed. Action Comics #51 puts Superman in a situation where he has to prepare Supergirl for being the last remaining non-clone, non-hybrid, non-alternate universe Kryptonian on Earth. It's a situation that has so many emotional undertones, but few of those emotions are realized.

That's not to say there aren't powerful moments at play. Peter Tomasi makes it a point to have Superman remind Supergirl why he is the pinnacle hero for every era of his 75-year history. He understands that people are afraid of exceedingly powerful aliens and they're perfectly right to be afraid. Someone who can lift mountains, fly through space, and be friends with Batman is bound to make a lot of people worry. That's why what Superman does is so important. That's why it's important that Supergirl carries on this legacy.

This moment, however, is lacking in terms of emotional impact. It's the most defining moment of the narrative in Action Comics #51, but it's a moment that feels rushed and underdeveloped. In addition, the overall setup for the story is rushed. The whole mystery of Supergirl missing is resolved in the quickest, least dramatic way possible.

The details around this mystery are explained in a throw-away flashback that barely qualify as a teaser. It's more like a skippable video ad than an actual part of the story. Nobody will miss anything by skipping it. That might be fine for video ads, but for the overall story in Action Comics #51, it's wastes ink that is better spent refining the emotional undertones of Superman's predicament. Grant Morrison already made a veritable how-to guide for these stories with All-Star Superman so any Superman story that falters with such a story has no excuse.

It's not just the overly rushed pace of the story that derails the drama. There's another side-plot involving Dr. Omen that sets up another conflict that likely can't be rushed. However, it feels entirely disjointed from the primary plot of Superman preparing Supergirl to carry on his legacy. For a story that already feels rushed, being disorganized doesn't. Anyone whose mind doesn't operate on the same wavelength of the Flash is likely to get confused.

Even if the pace is rushed and disorganized, it isn't wholly chaotic. There are still dramatic undertones at work here as Superman prepares himself for yet another death, not knowing how permanent it might be. It feels personal, him reaching out to Supergirl and preparing her for a world where she is the sole bearer of Superman's legacy. For someone whose power levels make solving daunting problems so easy most of the time, it's an important element to highlight. It just isn't highlighted enough.

In preparing for a fresh round of upheaval with the upcoming Rebirth relaunch, there are many loose ends to resolve. Leaving too many unresolved will make printing that all-important #1 on the cover feel like a hollow gimmick. As it stands, Superman has more loose ends than most. Action Comics #51 at least begins the process, but doesn't proceed very far.

Tomasi makes it a point to emphasize the importance of Superman's legacy in the incredibly broad scope that is the DC Universe and rightly so. Superman's legacy is important and passing it off to Supergirl, who has neither his level of experience nor his clout among other heroes, has numerous dramatic undertones. Absent that drama, the emphasis on that legacy feels shallow at best.

Superman dying is a big deal, even if it has been overdone and overplayed since the early 90s. Every major hero gets a death story these days and, being a 75-year-old icon, Superman gets more than most. That doesn't mean that these kinds of stories have to be overly generic. However, this latest attempt is dangerously close to that territory and not even Superman may be able to save it.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Just one month left! One month until we find out once and for all whether Fox can make an X-men movie that doesn't suck and doesn't rely on Ryan Reynolds' insane dedication to making a Deadpool movie. There are a lot of ways Fox can fuck this up. They've done it in the past and it's unreasonable to think they won't do it again. But I'm feeling a bit more upbeat and maybe a bit high. I'm willing to give any movie a chance that has Jennifer Lawrence, Sophie Turner, Alexandra Shipp, and Oscar Issac a chance to be awesome. The final trailer came out today and it even offers something that might give it some extra awesome to compete with Disney, aliens, and ninja turtles. One word people. Snikt!

Oh Hugh, I'm going to miss you. I think I speak for a lot of X-men fans and horny housewives when I say we are so going to miss you. Nuff said!

Friday, April 22, 2016

The end of every major arc in X-men Supreme usually means major upheavals and Natural Disorder is no exception. It’s already happened multiple times in this fanfiction series. We saw it unfold after the Uprising arc when Magneto went to prison. We saw it in the Overlord arc when Magneto became ruler of Genosha. We saw it after the Dark Legacy arc when Sinister’s
plot with the Legacy Virus left 300 million people dead within the
span of a week. This fanfiction series goes through all sorts of shifts
and unlike the comics, they aren’t restricted to sterilization plots.

The conflict in Natural Disorder is unlike anything the X-men have faced thus far in X-men Supreme. The Mutant Liberation Front, as led by Magneto’s
old henchman Toad, isn’t out to destroy humanity directly. They favor
the indirect approach, destroying the foundation on which the human
race is built and allowing natural selection to do the rest. They
demonstrate more tact and cunning compared to the likes of Magneto or Sinister.
They’ve even managed to convince others, including the Brotherhood’s
own Avalanche, to join them. While their methods are cunning, the X-men
can be just as tricky.

They had to be, given the result of their first encounter with the Mutant Liberation Front. In X-men Supreme Issue 127: Terror Sell, the X-men suffered a humiliating defeat. On top of that, they learned that Professor Charles Xavier
had been keeping another unpleasant secret in the form of an addiction
to pain pills. This secret forced him to step down from the Xavier
Institute, forcing the X-men to function without him. Now, in his first
real test as Operations Commander, Cyclops
led the X-men in the attack against the Mutant Liberation Front. The
outcome will forever change the landscape of this fanfiction series.

The fallout began to unfold at the end of X-men Supreme Issue 132: Natural Disorder Part 2. The X-men successfully stopped the Mutant Liberation Front from crippling the entire human race with Magneto’s
old amplification machine. However, their efforts now threaten to
cripple both humanity, mutants, and every living thing on the planet,
starting with Polaris.
After being abducted by the Mutant Liberation Front, she is now the
engine driving this machine. She is also the key to stopping it. But
doing so will come at a price, one that will be felt both within the
X-men and for many others.

I usually save major shifts like this for the end of a major volume. That’s what I did with Uprising, Overlord, and Dark Legacy.
However, I’m taking a different approach in X-men Supreme Volume 6:
Liberation Decimation. This major shift is not the end of this volume
of X-men Supreme. It’s only a major upheaval. There are still plenty
more to come, but they all start with the stunning conclusion of the Natural Disorder arc.

The end of this arc will bring many changes and new challenges to the
X-men Supreme fanfiction series. Change and upheaval are the fuel with
which X-men has evolved over the past half-century. Great conflicts
bring out the best and worst of these characters. It’s my intention to
ensure that only the best shows with X-men. To do that, it’s incredibly
important that readers continue to provide feedback for this. The more
I get, the more I can ensure that X-men Supreme is as awesome as can
be. Either post your comments directly in the issue or contact me directly. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Being a horseman for Apocalypse is kind of like being the guy who cleans up
after an orgy. It’s a dirty, thankless job, but one that deserves respect.
Apocalypse is to X-men what porn is to the internet. They’re inextricably
linked and not just because Oscar Isaac will soon be able to seduce both Star
Wars fans and X-men fans.

Whenever shit goes bad for the X-men, Apocalypse is there to make it worse.
When shit is going good for the X-men, as rare as that might be, Apocalypse is
there to fuck it up. He’s the living embodiment of Mondays, hangovers, and
Brett Ratner for the X-men. Now, he’s set up shop in another dystopian future
since the X-men can never have too much of those. I’m just going to mark the
ways in which Apocalypse gives this dystopian future his personal touch in
Extraordinary X-men #9. I doubt it’ll be as memorable as Age of Apocalypse, but
since this isn’t 1995, I’m okay with that.

That said, did Age of Apocalypse have a big ass temple shaped like
Apocalypse’s head? I think not. Take that, 1995! In a flashback to the moment
when Colossus and a team of D-list X-men nobody gives more than half-a-shit
about first arrived, this is the first thing they say. Compared to some of the
other dystopian futures they’ve seen, it could be worse.

They quickly figure out that mutants aren’t just fucked in this dystopian
future. They’re dead. Not near extinction, not dying, not sick. Fucking dead.
Apocalypse said they had their shot. They should’ve been a bunch of xenophobic,
slave-owning, elitists like the Inhumans. As such, Apocalypse determined,
probably with the aid of Disney lawyers, that mutants had to go and they did.
And Apocalypse isn’t known for making exceptions and that includes time travelers.

Enter Apocalypse’s horsemen, who we met in the first issue. They see mutants
they’re like exterminators who just found out they missed a few rats. They know
Apocalypse is a neat freak when it comes to the gene pool. That means Colossus
and these kids need to be as dead as Josh Trank’s directing career. It leads to
a quick, somewhat rushed fight, but that’s kind of fitting. These aren’t the
X-men’s heavy hitters. This is Colossus and a bunch of kids on a field trip.
They couldn’t be less equipped without bringing feather dusters and dildos to
this battle.

Being the heroic communist he is, Colossus helps the kids get away while he takes
on Apocalypse’s horsemen himself. These are the same horsemen Apocalypse
empowers to give natural selection a meth-fueled kick. So even if we hadn’t
known he failed miserably in the previous issue, I doubt even Rocky Balboa
would’ve bothered cheering for him here.

This means this story is going to be driven by Glob Herman, Ernst, Anole,
and No Girl from here on out. I’ll give those who don’t read an X-men comic
that doesn’t involve Wolverine stabbing something a moment to get their shit
and leave. For those who stay, it’s not nearly as bland as it sounds. These may
be D-listers, but they’re of the lovable variety. They’re like the opposite of
Kid Omega and Hope fucking Summers.

They find out that in this future, Apocalypse as created these little
dome-like cities that he totally ripped off from Kandor. These cities contain
those who he deems fit for survival. I imagine that process was almost as
intensive as a typical top 10 pick in the NFL draft. So unless there’s a Peyton
Manning on their team, they’re fucked.

Flash forward a couple of days and the D-listers start exploring these
worlds. One of them is Magika, a world where all of Marvel’s magical creatures
dwell. It’s basically Harry Potter, My Little Pony, and Frozen. It seems so fanciful.
They even meet a cute little creature named Moogum. Sure, he says mutants are
already damned to the deepest pits of Brett Ratner’s septic tank, but he’s
still cute.

Well, he doesn’t exactly stay that way. At first, Moogum pretends to help
them. Then he reveals his true agenda. No, it’s not some elaborate conspiracy
out of a shitty Dan Brown novel. Moogum just wants to eat them. Is it crude?
Hell yeah. But does it make for some fun chase scenes you’ll never see in
Scooby Doo? Hell yeah. It’s not an epic battle, but it shouldn’t be. This isn’t
Wolverine on a drinking binge in New Orleans. These are D-list X-men who haven’t
even fought evil clones yet. They’re still working their way up.

More time passes. Anole, Glob, Ernst, and No Girl keep traversing these
worlds. Along the way, Glob laments how he’ll die a virgin and how he’ll never
get a chance to lose it to Jean Grey. It may sound fucked up, but I won’t lie.
I’d probably think the same in Glob’s position. I would also lament if I never
saw Emma’s tits, but that’s just me.

They eventually end up in a world run by Iron Man robots that call
themselves Stark-self. They’re basically what’s left of Tony Stark, who has
been long dead, most likely due to liver disease or rectal trauma. He’s not
exactly a friendly face, but after facing a kid-eating monster like Moogum, it’s
an improvement. How sad is that? A killer robot is an improvement for a group
of teenage X-men?

This time, the fleet of Iron Man robots don’t try to kill the X-men or try
to shoot the Phoenix Force with a big ass gun. Instead, Stark-Self actually
provides some valuable insight into what’s going on in this umpteenth fucked up
dystopian future. Earth is basically no more. Apocalypse held these big ass
trials in the past and basically cut out the parts of Earth that were worthy of
survival and killed the rest. That means the Atlanteans, the Wakandans, the
mystics, and Stark-Self survived. And yeah, even the fucking Inhumans survived.
That’s right. Those xenophobic, slave-owning, Game of Thrones wannabes got to
survive. Disney’s lawyers are just that powerful.

Aside from Apocalypse’s agenda-driven criteria, this is basically all that’s
left of Earth. And mutants were determined long ago, with little debate with
lawyers, to be unfit. So there’s no Phoenix Force or Secret War to save them.
They just fucking die. Pretty sure everyone at Marvel Studios jerks off to that
idea every night. But these young X-men manage to remind Stark-self that he was
once a friend to the X-men. Sure, he shot a giant gun at the Phoenix Force and
did jack shit when they were going extinct, but he was still a friend. Guilting
a robot in a dystopian future into helping them is basically what the X-men
have been reduced to and since Stark’s robots are slightly more advanced then
dumb-ass Sentinels, they agree to help.

That’s not to say Stark-self offers to help these vulnerable kids fight for
survival. That would be too generous, even for a living and sober Tony Stark.
Instead, they provide No-Girl with a new robot body and send them off into
other worlds. This leads to a nice training montage of sorts. It shows days,
weeks, and months passing as these D-list X-men survive with an aptitude worthy
of a C-plus, if not a B-minus. It’s not going to put them in the same league
that will allow them to look at Storm’s ass or flirt with Jean Grey, but they definitely
make the case that they at least deserve a chance.

It’s the kind of development we don’t see enough of these days, D-list
characters moving up a grade. The Kamala Khans and Miles Morales of the world
are exceptions, not the norms, and they got to build on brands that were
already there. These kids have never worn an X-men uniform, never been turned
into living weapons, and never got to team up with Deadpool. So seeing them
grow into survivors is satisfying in a special sort of way. Sure, it’s kind of
rushed, but it has to be.

And moments like Anole pointing out how Mole Men survive this world, but not
mutants is incredibly poignant and incredibly said. It’s another testament to
the current state of mutants for Marvel.

Finally, we reach the present time. The flashbacks and flash forward are
over. The D-listers finally catch up with the A-listers. Now, they can start
battling Apocalypse’s horsemen and it feels like a fair fight. This time, it
definitely has all the makings of an epic clash. The X-men versus Apocalypse’s
horsemen is like Wonder Woman and Power Girl in an oil wrestling contest. It’s
hard to set up something that has the potential to be just that awesome. Now
the rest of the X-men know that this is all that’s left of the world and
Apocalypse is the dick that stuck it that world.

While the setup is epic, the details are somewhat light. But that’s not to
say it’s rushed. That’s not even to say it’s finished. This is just the
beginning of the battle. It doesn’t try to finish everything too quickly. There’s
no comic equivalent of premature ejaculation, at least not yet. We just now
know what led to this moment and how fucked this future is. No dystopian future
is going to surprise any self-respecting X-men fan at this point, but context certainly
helps.

The only other context this battle offers is just how overmatched the X-men
are. Even with their A-listers, they’re in a fractured, fucked up world where
Apocalypse has already purged mutants from existence in ways Disney executives
can only jerk off to. So even with Storm leading the charge, she doesn’t
exactly have the X-men in the strongest position to take on Apocalypse. She
doesn’t overtly blame Cyclops for this, but you can tell she’s probably
thinking it. In fact, I imagine everyone on the team will come up with at least
six different ways to blame Cyclops for Apocalypse Wars when all is said and
done.

So...is it awesome?

Well this issue fills in some blanks. It explores some colorful, fanciful
worlds that can’t usually be explored without tripping balls on LSD. But in the
spirit of 4/20 and all the stoners who celebrate it, I think that’s
appropriate. In terms of actually moving the story forward and getting us
closer to another classic clash between X-men and Apocalypse, Extraordinary
X-men #9 doesn’t do much. Like the last 30 years of this country’s drug laws,
the effect is limited. Unlike drug laws though, there is some meaningful
contribution.

Jeff Lemire isn’t just letting the X-men’s heavy hitters flex their nuts. He’s
getting D-list X-men characters and giving them a chance to join the C-list.
After reading Extraordinary X-men #9, I can’t honestly say that these
characters have failed miserably. Now I’m not saying Glob Herman or Ernst are
going to be on Bryan Singer’s short list for future X-men movies, but they at
least deserve some credit at a time when fucking Squirrel Girl gets her own
series.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

The following is my review of All-New, All Different Avengers #8, which
was posted on PopMatters.com.

There are some issues in modern superhero comics that just don't have a real-world parallel. Issues like regulating superpowers, safeguarding weapons of mass destruction, and managing the use of killer robots have some degree of contemporary relevance. In fact, the management of killer robots is almost certain to become an election issue if DARPA, the Pentagon, and Amazon have their way. The same cannot be said for mind-wiping.

Despite the CIA's best efforts, there is no real-world equivalent to completely wiping the memory of an otherwise healthy adult mind and reshaping it accordingly. That's what makes the concept behind the Avengers: Standoff event such an intriguing thought experiment. In a world where telepaths like Emma Frost can make people forget their own names, why wouldn't the use of psychic manipulation be an issue? Given its potential uses and abuses, it would probably have its own lobbyists.

All-New, All-Different Avengers #8 highlights the potential of psychic manipulation in a way that is both disturbingly pragmatic and naturally terrifying. SHIELD, in its infinite wisdom and gross lack of oversight, attempts to use psychic manipulation to turn unrepentant criminals into productive members of society. On paper, it sounds like a win-win. It removes dangerous individuals from society in a manner that still allows them to pay taxes and contribute. It's basically a Republican's fantasy and the private prison industry's worst nightmare.

Despite sounding so good on paper, the Avengers learn fist-hand why this sort of thing would have the ACLU up in arms. Thanks to Maria Hill and a sentient version of the Cosmic Cube named Kobik, they've been subjected to the same psychic manipulation usually resolved for the Baron Zemos of the Marvel Universe. The fact that Kobik takes the form of a young girl adds an extra twist that feels like it came right out of The Shining, minus the Stephen King style of horror.

For the Avengers and the Unity Squad, the way Avengers: Standoff unfolds still has all the traits of a horror movie. A brief flash forward at the less-than-favorable outcome of this conflict with Kobik suggests that elements of a slasher movie get mixed in as well. However, these traits become secondary in All-New, All-Different Avengers #8. The story deals less with the mind-bending implications of Pleasant Hill and more with escaping its grasp. It's not quite as exciting as it sounds and in a story that has Deadpool in it, that's quite an accomplishment.

Previous issues of the story deal with breaking the psychic manipulation on the Avengers and the Unity Squad. It's hard to contemplate how someone who hasn't seen The Matrix multiple times might react to such manipulation. Having the power of Thor, the computing capacity of Vision, and the mental instability of Deadpool adds plenty of potential complications that might reveal something about these characters. It might even reveal that they're not that as mentally stable as Deadpool would have them believe.

All-New, All-Different Avengers #8 fails to address this though. It effectively paints itself into a corner, making it unable to add the kind of mind-bending layers to the story. It's less a philosophical thought experiment and more a prison break. The complexities that helped make Avengers: Standoff so intriguing give way to the kind of generic action that the Avengers face every other Tuesday.

That's not to say there aren't some compelling aspects of this struggle to escape Pleasant Hill. As is often the case, Deadpool finds a way to creatively confront the source of the chaos. Being a walking testament to chaos, violence, and tacos, he's uniquely qualified to confront Kobik. It's hard to imagine him being competent enough to confront a little girl who happens to embody a reality-warping power, but it gets a lot easier to imagine, considering it's not even the sixth weirdest thing Deadpool has confronted in his colorful history.

This doesn't necessarily mean Deadpool is a good influence on children, but it does mean he helps end the last parts of the Kobik's reality-warping, mind-bending illusion. It comes off as a bit overly simplistic, but Deadpool helps add a little entertainment value, as only he can. It completes the final part of the escape for the Avengers and the Unity Squad. Entertainment value aside, it still comes off as generic.

If there are any deeper impacts to being mentally manipulated, then they're cast aside in favor of more battles against super-powered monsters, as if the Avengers don't face enough of those. Mark Waid and Adam Kubert still find ways to add entertainment value where they can, but aside from Deadpool's contributions, it falls flat.

There's still a lot of potential in the concept behind Avengers: Standoff and All-New, All-Different Avengers #8 offers the best opportunity to the story to explore that concept. While that opportunity isn't completely wasted in terms of the overall story, it still wastes or ignores much of that opportunity.

The characters are mentally manipulated to a point where they believe that they've lived entirely different lives. Then, when the deception is exposed, they basically snap back to their old selves with no noticeable effects. While the minds of superheroes are supposed to be resilient, there's only so much protection a magic hammer or a spider sense can offer. It gives the impression that the human mind is stronger and more rational than daytime talk shows would have us believe.

Most Avengers stories involve them fighting super-powered bad guys at some point. The challenge is getting them to this point in a creative, novel manner. Avengers: Standoff tries to takes a creative path in meeting this challenge, but reverts back to familiar territory too quickly. There are any number of stories that involve the Avengers escaping the grasp of powerful, mind-bending, reality-warping threats. This is just the latest and far from the greatest.

Friday, April 15, 2016

The extent of every victory is often measured against the price paid
to achieve it. The X-men have paid more than their fair share of
prices throughout X-men Supreme. They’ve paid a high price throughout
their entire mythos. The death of Jean Grey
during the Dark Phoenix Saga remains one of the most iconic moments in
the history of X-men. They won the day, but lost someone very dear to
them.

X-men Supreme has suffered losses as well. Most recently, the X-men lost their teammate and former teacher, Thunderbird, during the Dark Legacy arc. They’ve endured plenty of other losses, from the departure of Angel and Rogue from the team to Charles Xavier having to part ways with his blossoming love interest, Lilandra Neramani.
Major losses are a big part of the drama that gives the X-men’s story
such power. I’ve tried to capture that throughout the X-men Supreme
fanfiction series. And I intend to do so with the final issue of the Natural Disorder arc.

The X-men have never faced an enemy like the Mutant
Liberation Front before. Under Toad’s leadership, a concept that many
X-men fans might struggle with, they’ve set themselves apart from Magneto’s Brotherhood of Mutants or someone like Sinister.
They don’t seek to kill humanity or fight their fellow mutants. They
seek to let natural selection do that for them. They took a page right
out of Magneto’s playbook in the Overlord
arc and tried to use the same machine he used to wipe out every piece
of electronic equipment on the planet. Take away civilization,
technology, and infrastructure and the world is reduced the basic
mechanics of survival. The X-men know the odds aren’t in humanity’s
favor so they can’t afford to lose this battle.

It has already been one of the X-men’s most difficult
battles to date in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. They’ve had to
fight the Mutant Liberation Front without the guidance of their mentor,
Charles Xavier. It’s Cyclops
who is now in charge. He led the attack against the Mutant Liberation
Front as they prepare to make their final move in the swamps of New
Orleans. However, the battle ended up going wrong for both sides. The
machine that once nearly destroyed the world before is about to do so
again. There’s no gray area anymore. Either the X-men win the day or
everyone loses.

Those are the current states in the X-men Supreme fanfiction series. Cyclops
must show he can lead the X-men without his mentor and the X-men must
show they can defeat the Mutant Liberation Front on their own terms.
However, as we’ve seen in many other battles with the X-men, victory
will come at a price. Just how high will that price be? That’ll be
revealed in another heart-wrenching conclusion to a very important arc.
As always, I’ve prepared a preview that offers a taste of just how heart-wrenching this issue will be.

“Havok?!” exclaimed Phoenix, who still had to restrain Toad with her telekinesis.

“Where is she? Where’s Lorna?!” he exclaimed, his hands glowing with energy.

“Whoa there, little brother! You’re a little late to the show!” said Cyclops, “We’ve taken care of the Mutant Liberation Front. We’re still working on saving Polaris.”

“I don’t care how late I am! Where is she?!” he demanded.

“Where do you think?” said Iceman, pointing up into the sky.

Havok looked up and saw what Iceman was referring to. He paled at the sight of the hovering machine. The way it lit up the night sky with simmering energy made it clear that his lover was in a great deal of trouble. There was no telling how much pain his lover was in, making the younger Summers brother all the more determined to save her.

“Damn you, Lance,” he mused, “I need to get to her!”

“Maybe you didn’t notice, but it’s not exactly safe to be near her,” Shadowcat pointed out.

“I don’t care! I didn’t overload a transport sphere and leave riot on Genosha just to watch her suffer!”

“Wait…a riot on Genosha? When did that happen?” asked Storm.

“One crisis at a time, Storm,” said Cyclops as he ran over to his brother, “I understand you’re anxious, Alex. I’m not going to bust your balls like you’re used to, but I need you to trust me! The X-men will handle this!”

“Cut the crap, Scott! If it was Jean up there, you would already be on your way up there! So don’t tell me to just stand here and wait!”

Cyclops saw that his brother was in a difficult state. He and Havok had their differences in the past, but Cyclops still wasn’t ready to see his brother needlessly risk his life. There was still a chance they could stop this madness without more danger. However, this was once instance where he understood the pain of watching his lover suffer.

While Havok was fixated on the device above, there was a noticable shift in the activity. The glowing ball of energy surrounding the machine started pulsing erratically. The large bolts of lightning that lit up the sky began swirling around in a new pattern. It was as if they were being drawn back into the device. As this happened, Madison Jefferies looked up from the console.

“We did it! It worked!” he announced.

“What exactly worked, homme?” asked Gambit.

“I’m still seeing some nasty fireworks,” said Shadowcat.

“Consider yourself lucky! At this point, that’s the worst we’ll get aside from the damage that’s already been done,” said Jefferies as he looked over the computer screen, “Danger was able to initiate the emergency shut down. The amplifiers are no longer feeding off of Polaris’s powers. That means the magnetic storm has stopped growing! The Earth’s magnetic field is safe!”

“So it’s over? We have succeeded?” asked Colossus.

“What about Polaris? Will she be okay?” asked Iceman anxiously.

Madison Jefferies paused to go over the data. As relieved as he was with this news, it wasn’t over yet. The machine was still going strong and there was a good reason for that.

“I’m afraid that’s a bit complicated,” said Jefferies anxiously.

“Why am I not surprised?” groaned Shadowcat.

“It appears the shutdown was initiated too late. Even though the machine is no longer amplifying the electro-magnetic field, it seems to have overloaded Polaris’s powers.”

“Quit talking she’s broken computer! Will she be okay or not?!” spat Havok.

“I honestly couldn’t tell you. These readings don’t make any sense! The machine isn’t amplifying her powers, but the flow of energy has been reversed. Now it’s Polaris’s mutant abilities are stuck in overdrive. They’re effectively reverberating in increasingly volatile fluctuations. At their current rate they’ll either overwhelm her completely or tear her apart at the cellular level!”

It was a grim prognosis and one Havok refused to allow. Having heard enough, he made a decision. He was going to save his lover from this terrible fate no matter what the cost.

“Then it’s settled! I’m going up there!” he said.

“As Lorna’s ex-boyfriend, I’m obligated to point out how nuts you are,” said Iceman.

“You heard what he said, Alex. There’s nothing you can do for her,” said Beast.

“Bullshit! I need to try!” said Havok.

The determined young mutant turned to Phoenix, who could already sense what he had planned. It was clear that she didn’t approve either, but she did not attempt to dissuade him.

“Phoenix, I need you to fly me up there!” he said, “Can you make it through the lightning?”

“Even if I said I couldn’t, I’m sure that still wouldn’t bother you,” she replied.

Tasked with this new challenge, Phoenix released her telekinetic grip on Toad and handed him off to the others. Colossus pinned him with his foot while Iceman and Psylocke stood over him. They were not going to let him go after everything he had done.

“Don’t even think about it, swamp breath,” said Psylocke menacingly.

“One wrong move and I break your spine,” added Colossus.

“You guys take everything way too seriously,” sneered Toad.

With Toad restrained, Phoenix joined Havok. They were prepared to take off. Then Cyclops grasped Havok by the shoulder and turned him around.

“I’m going after her, Scott!” said Havok sternly, “Don’t even think about stopping me or so help me…”

“I wasn’t going to try and stop you, Alex. I was just going to say…be careful,” said Cyclops.

As losses mount for the X-men and the drama escalates, I hope to keep
this fanfiction series engaging and intriguing for all the right
reasons. I want X-men fans to see X-men Supreme as a genuine outlet for
X-men, especially at a time when the comics have been so dire. The
situation in X-men Supreme is very different. There’s no sterilization
plots. The institute hasn’t been relocated to Limbo. Expect a very
different path for X-men Supreme. And in order to ensure that path is
sufficiently awesome, it’s important that I get as much feedback as
possible. Please contact me
directly or post your comments directly in the issue. Either way is
fine. Until next time, take care and best wishes. Excelsior!

Thursday, April 14, 2016

As a drunk, I have a very simple code of honor. Don’t give anyone a lot of
shit unless they deserve it. I might not be able to pass a sobriety test, but I
still know what’s fair and what’s bullshit. And for reasons that I’m not drunk
enough to list, Beast has earned every ounce of shit I’ve thrown at him, and
then some. Going all the way back to the Dark Reign event, Beast has had only
one function. Bitch and moan about Cyclops at every turn and do absolutely jack
shit to help anyone. If he were a real person, he’d be less likable than the
comments section of a Taylor Swift video.

I won’t say that O5 Beast deserves the same volume of shit, but he’s made
clear that he’s destined to be the kind of douche-bag who deserves that kind of
shit. Going all the way back to the first few issues of All-New X-men, he comes
off as the kind of kid that makes you rethink your stance on corporal
punishment. Under Dennis Hopeless, I’ve been slightly less inclined to want to
punch him in the dick. All-New X-men #8 attempts stem that inclination a bit
more while trying to save O5 Cyclops’ story, as if it hasn’t been shit on
enough. Say what you will about Hopeless, but the man is pretty damn ambitious.

It’ll take more than ambition to make O5 Beast likeable again. And him
brooding like a 15-year-old goth kid who listens to too many Evanesance songs
doesn’t help. Remember that dramatic scene where O5 Cyclops was trapped in a
cave-in? Well, fuck any added drama that would’ve made that scene more
compelling. Skip right ahead to the hospital where O5 Cyclops is alive,
wounded, and resting comfortably with all sorts of awesome drugs in his system.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m glad Marvel resisted the urge to kill Cyclops a
second time. That’s an urge Brett Ratner couldn’t resist. But to just skip ahead
with no dramatic weight whatsoever feels like such a waste. And instead, we get
O5 Beast musing about just how fucked the present is. It’s nothing we haven’t
seen from him before. And most of us have seen a Ted Cruz speech at this point.
We don’t need to be reminded of how fucked we are.

If O5 Beast does anything worth one less punch in the dick in this issue, it’s
his little confession to an unconscious O5 Cyclops. Sure, confessions to
unconscious people don’t usually count. I’d have way more speeding tickets if
it did. But he at least tries to show some genuine honesty while filling in
some of the details that happened off-panel. It’s not much, but it’s better than
most of the crap X-men stories have gotten since Secret Wars.

For O5 Beast, the defining moment is him admitting he was wrong. Sure, it
took him way too fucking long, but better late than never I guess. He says they’re
wrong to stay in the present and his older self was wrong for bringing them in
the first place. He’s starting to realize just what a dick he grew up to be
while reminding himself they have no idea to get back to their own time. It’s
honest, but I still want to punch him in the dick.

This moment of sincerity marks the last meaningful moment of drama that O5
Beast manages in this comic. After seeing a news report about Dr. Strange, he
decides to ditch his friend in the hospital and take a quick trip to visit the
good doctor, courtesy of his pet bamf, Pickles. Not sure that counts as animal
abuse, but it’s pretty damn close.

This is where this issue stops being an X-men story and starts becoming a
Dr. Strange story. Because why would a man who has his own series and his own
movie coming out this year need extra face time in a fucking X-men comic? That’s
a question that requires too much hope to answer. Instead, we get a drawn out,
predictable discussion about O5 Beast and Dr. Strange debating the merits of
magic. There’s nothing really substantive here other than O5 Beast still enjoys
his science. The fact that Dr. Strange resists the ability to punch O5 Beast in
the dick proves he truly is the Sorcerer Supreme, wielding more will-power than
I ever will.

This bland discussion gets interrupted by an entirely predictable
disturbance. O5 Beast happened to barge in on Dr. Strange when he was dealing
with an incursion from the 12th dimension, which I guess in mystical
terms is like an out-of-control tire fire or soccer riot. Either O5 Beast’s
timing sucks just that much or his douche-baggery is starting to destabilize
dimensions. I imagine it’s a little of both. That doesn’t prevent Dr. Strange
from enlisting his help. I’m pretty sure he’d be better off enlisting help from
MC Hammer’s accountant.

To his credit, O5 Beast does try to contribute. Dr. Strange gives him the
Third Eye of Horus, which is supposed to help him see the mystical world as Dr.
Strange sees it. That makes sense. If he’s going to help, he needs to see what
the fuck he’s up against. He’s not Daredevil. He doesn’t have Ben Affleck’s
baggage or his own Netflix show backing him up.

However, true to his recent traditions of douche-baggery and ineptitude, O5
Beast fails. He doesn’t contribute in any meaningful way. He doesn’t even throw
any punches. He just looks around all this crazy mystical shit and reacts the
same way most people would if they saw their grandmother giving a lap dance to
Kanye West. There’s no fanciful landscape or epic spectacle. In fact, it looks
like an un-rendered scene from a Michael Bay movie. O5 Beast’s way of managing
that, it seems, is to faint.

That’s right. Like a little girl who just watched someone shoot a baby unicorn,
he faints. The urge to punch him in the dick is getting stronger.

Again, there’s little dramatic weight and a lot of shit that gets skipped
over. When O5 Beast wakes up, Dr. Strange has already done most of the work. He’s
fought off hordes of goblins from the 12th dimension and we don’t
get a slightest glimpse of the action. Instead, we get more bland chit chat between
O5 Beast and Dr. Strange.

There’s still precious little substance in this science vs. sorcery debate.
There are creationism vs. evolution debates that are more entertaining. There
are some mentions of Dr. Strange’s own scientific background, but anyone who
has scanned the wiki page for Dr. Strange won’t read anything they haven’t
heard before. It really doesn’t offer anything of value for O5 Beast, Dr.
Strange, or any of the ongoing plots in All-New X-men. They could’ve been just
as productive by spending the entire page talking about the hockey playoffs.

When the action finally gets going again, it’s still pretty bland. Yeah, it
has a terrifying shadow monster attack, but those kinds of monsters pop up at
least twice a week in a Dr. Strange comic. And this is supposed to be a fucking
X-men comic. Seriously, Dr. Strange, you have Benadict Cumberbatch playing you.
He has a sexy accent and everything. What more do you need?

It takes way too fucking long, but O5 Beast finally makes a meaningful
contribution and takes down the shadow monster. It’s not all that epic. It’s
not even that exciting. He just jumps into action and does anything a drunk
sushi chef with a butcher’s knife would do if they saw a monster. Except a
drunk sushi chef would probably be more entertaining at this point.

O5 Beast still tries to make the whole science vs. sorcery debate
meaningful. As Bill Nye the Science Guy found out the hard way, there’s only so
much he can do. He does nothing all that ground-breaking. He just sees magic in
a scientific context. That would be like me seeing quantum mechanics in an
alcoholic context and solving for the Theory of Everything. It makes the same
amount of sense and is much less interesting.

This is the extent of the action here. It’s mostly Dr. Strange doing what he
does in his own damn comic almost every issue. Except this isn’t his own damn
comic. It’s All-New X-men. He offers nothing that really helps the All-New
X-men, the O5, or the mutant race as a whole. He doesn’t add any Inhuman-level
bullshit, but his contributions are more forgettable than the LA Laker’s past
season.

Dr. Strange and O5 Beast still leave on friendly terms. For mutants these
days, that counts for something. Dr. Strange gives him some words of
encouragement, but no magic spell to help O5 Beast become less a douche-bag. He
lets him keep that magic mask though, which I guess is better than nothing. But
still, the story here feels so utterly forgettable that a Simpsons rerun would
be more entertaining at this point. At least Homer Simpson is funny. O5 Beast
is just a douche.

So...is it awesome?

Since it began, All-New X-men has utilized all sorts of mechanisms for being
awesome. Teen angst, teen melodrama, and general Cyclops-bashing are just a
few. This one tried to utilize O5 Beast as one of those mechanisms and the
results left a lot to be desired. I knew this issue was supposed to be centered
around O5 Beast, but the fact he didn’t do jack shit to advance the story only
adds to the already-lengthy list of reasons why he’s a total douche, no matter
what time period he’s from.

Now that’s not to say All-New X-men #8 doesn’t have it’s moment. However, I
still have the same urge to punch Beast in the dick that I did before I read
this issue. He didn’t make that urge any worse, but he did nothing to make it
better. He just hung out with Dr. Strange, learned a bit about magic, and that’s
about it. There was nothing to expand on the plot with the Brotherhood, Kid
Apocalypse, Idie, O5 Iceman, or X-23. There was so much nothing that it felt
like one of those issues I can drink during a blackout and still not feel like
I’ve missed anything. And since I usually reserve blackouts for visits to cheap
massage parlors in Mexico, that’s pretty disappointing.

About Me

I am a lifelong comic book fan. My favorite comic has always been X-men and my lifelong dream is to be an X-men writer. Since I'm still a ways from realizing that dream, I settle for writing my own series which I have entitled X-men Supreme.