Hi Marta,
Cant say that I really angry.But I sure am discouraged at the injustice of it all.

It seems to have been a battle thru this DD.One way or another.On the days it is really bad,you fight to get thru the day,and to do what needs to be done.Work,shopping,cleaning,trying to feel partly normal to even go on!!!

Then theres the battle to get some kind of finamcial help.
Battle to find the right meds,so you may feel somewhat better!!!
Everthing is hard work, everyday!!!!!

Wanted to say Hi! I am originally from Midland- my sister still lives in AA and works at the U!

To answer your question- yes, I do have anger. I'm not sure how far back it goes, but I am angry that one of my sisters took her life with over-use of tobacco & alcohol, I am angry that I have to deal with this DD. I am angry that my dad didn't spend more time getting to know his family.

I think all of us have issues in our lives to deal with. I just saw a show the other night that spoke to my heart about judgement, and I feel like this may be the first step in my road to healing myself. I'm sure that my past hurts do manifest themselves in this illness in some ways. The mind/body connection is very strong. I'm not saying it is all mental, for sure that is not true, but I think that inner peace will contribute to my overall wellness.

I have been doing some inner healing work and part of that has been to explore areas of my life and personality that need attention. Anger was one of them. I took a pad and a pencil and since I am a spiritual person, first I prayed that God would help me in this process and bring to my mind any person or situation that I still felt anger towards.

At first nothing came to mind, but I realized that I was feeling guilty about being angry at certain people (i.e. mother) because they did the best they could, etc. etc. As soon as I gave myself permission to be angry without guilt, I was able to write pages and pages of things that had been stuffed inside me that I didn't even remember and didn't realize I was angry about.

And yes, I have discovered that I have a tendancy to be unproductively angry; that is, to stuff it down and try to ignore it. After all, I was raised to think that anger was unbecoming to a "lady". I'm also not very swift when I'm angry. I tend to spout angry nonsense that I regret later. I'm learning to express my feelings without being hurtful to the other person or to me and it's a wonderful feeling. I think, along with our diet, we need to clean up our emotional baggage if we want to heal.

Like you, Gigi (and I hope that your posting means you're feeling better) I had a rocky childhood, with an alcoholic mother and a well-meaning but absent-with-his-job father. I, too, became the funniest woman in the crowd to keep my feelings out of sight. (I still like to laugh, in fact, I now crack myself up with regularity, so I was able to salvage my actual sense of humor and I'm glad about that.)

My mother died when I was 24 and my father when I was 60. It wasn't until after my father died and I decided to write a separate letter to him and to my mother that I released that anger, the anger of that little lonely girl. And Lola, like you said, I was able to write about my feelings of "anger without guilt" - what a great way to put it!

Just as important, I didn't just vent to my parents in my letters, I also told them what I loved about them and, by the end, I was able to see them as human, just like me. I forgave them as I hope my children will forgive my errors. (Forgive my tresspasses as I forgive.......)

Of course, those letters were never sent - I don't know that heaven has a Post Office - but I also didn't burn them as I planned to. They remain two of my greatest blessings.

Bunny, so you're a former Michiganian! We're having a lovely spring or maybe it's just that I'm taking time to see it.

I like many of you, have not had a easy childhood. As an adult I do not look back at my childhood & blame my parents for the unhealthy choises that I have made in my life, but as a child I can look back and remember being very angry.
I guess somewhere along the way I realized that we are all human, and therefore we will all make mistakes. My parents did the best that they could with the knowledge that they had at the time.

In responding to another post, "Christians how do you handle this" (close if not the exact words) I realized that I do harbor bitterness towards my husband for not being more supportive in this chronic illness. It doesn't help that he is an alcoholic & tends to get angry when he drinks too much.

The bitterness or anger that I hold onto has affected my spirtual life, and my health. I know that I have to forgive him, and I also know that I will be tested on this. What it comes down to is that I am accountable for my own heart & actions, and God asks me to keep my heart pure. This is easier said than done, and will be a challenge for me.

I read where Jennifer Anniston said, "Life is hard, wear a helmet." Boy, that is true, and life is even harder when you have a chronic disease that you are living with. I am still struggling with wanting to go back to nursing where I take care of others. I do not want to be the one that is taken care of. I have to remember that it is not my will that I am living for!

Has anyone ever read, "A child Called It"? I have read all of his books. They are very inspirational for anyone that has been abused as a child. Hugs, Tam

.... are sibliings. They all keep us from relaxing and enjoying the moment.

Yet not feeling discouraged is a real challenge. Yes, life is hard. Could you have ever believed just how hard it is?

nyrofan, I didn't lose a husband over this illness but I did lose a long-term (16-year) relationship and it was tough. But you know, I'm at the point of being glad I'm not using energy trying to please someone who really doesn't love me. I do miss companionship and for a long time I very much missed what I finally realized was what I thought we had. In reality it wasn't what we actually had at all.

Realizing this has helped me even though it was a severe disappointment. It's hard to believe anyone could love us if those who knew us "before" can't cut it.

thlane, I'm so sorry you're living with an alcoholic. They're miserable people, inside and out. I can't imagine that it doesn't affect you deeply. I believe that God asks only that we do the best we can, and I'm sure you are.

Unfortunately, YES, I have so much anger built up that I feel I'll never be at peace. Of course, I would like to lose the anger but have tried and just can't. That's why I decided, myself, to go to psychologist to see why I can't rid of this anger and move on, happily, with my life, with the exception of dealing with all of the health problems. Then again, that may be one of the biggest isses, I just don't know. I think I'm completely confused.

That in a Bible study I did w/ my ladies group on anger, we did find out that anger is always a "secondary" emotion. It is easier for us to express than the hidden or more painful one of disappointment, hurt, rejection, fear, etc., that we are really feeling.

So, if you feel angry, you really have to look deeper, and ask yourself, what emotion am I trying to hide from myself and others? Why am I having so much trouble expressing that? Why is that emotion so painful? There is your real answer.

My husband can be so loving & caring, and I do love him. There might be a time when I will have to leave him, but if I do I want to be able to leave with the resentment & unforgivness behind me. And maybe...just maybe our relationship will get better if I find forgivness for him. Unconditional love is something that I strive for, but the more I strive the more I realize that it is a gift that I just need to accept.

My dad was a wonderful man and he always said, "Treat others as you would want to be treated". That is an easy thing to do when others are being nice and considerate of you, but it is a challenge when they are not.

I love posts like this where it encourages each of us to look into our inner self & reflect upon our own beliefs & attitudes. For me it is so refreshing to realize that I am only accountable for my actions, & the way that I respond to others.

I want to thank you Marta for posting this topic & each one of you for responding so honestly. I learn & grow so much from your responses! Hugs to all, Tam

bunnyfluff, that's such good insight, that anger is a secondary emotion. Isn't disappointment in either another person or one's self often the primary one? Maybe if we can learn to accept ourselves as mere mortals it would help. I haven't met anyone with these illnesses who doesn't think that, somehow, their world is on their shoulders, myself included. Somehow I believe(d) that everything would come crashing down if I didn't keep very alert. I know that came from llving alone with an alcoholic parent but knowing doesn't change what we feel until we keep shining light on it.

Sofi, my heart hurts to read that you have #1 down and have #2 yet to go. I know what you mean. How is it, I wonder, that we grow up to believe that people are perfect or that our life will be? Somehow, on some level, I think I believed there was a magic age at which point all the answers would come to me. Not true, darn it.

Tam, we can only do our best to live by the Golden Rule which is what your dad was saying, right? I also like posts that make me think. I'm glad this one has resonated with so many people. We have some very smart people on this board and I appreciate hearing your thoughts.

As for anger, this I know: I can't help the instantaneous flare up of frustration in every day life but I can learn to cut people and myself a bit of slack in the small stuff. If I choose to speak my piece I can express it fairly. I can be aware that I tend to be just a wee bit (?!) cranky these days - and so do many other people. I can know that depression is anger turned inward and that I'll be healthier if I can stay aware of what I'm feeling - without obsessing over myself. And I can know that it's OK to get angry sometimes. It's even healthy. Lastly, when I forgive someone, I don't do it for them, I do it for me, so I won't have to live with the anger. I can bless them and move on.

I have always been a easy go lucky and happy person. I loose my temper about every ten years or so.I may get frustrated with these DD's and Doctors but I'm really other then these DD's very happy with my life.
But I do think our bodys can stress over stuff we do not really think about.I beleave in the Mind,Body and Spirit Theory with these DD's.When one is out of line everything gets messed up.

Yes, I would say that I have a lot of anger. I had to deal with way too much growing up. While I should have been enjoying childhood I had to deal with grown-up issues. I have carried way too much on me for way too long. I think it finally just all built up and then I got this dd relating to it. Good Post. I think this has a lot to do with it. I think when our bodies don't deal well with stress, it throws our bodies into a shock and our bodies just don't know how to cope.

In most of what I hear you saying is that stuffing emotion is toxic but that many of us don't know how to do otherwise. I suspect that that dubious skill was learned when we were very young so we have it down pat!

I think, if we could actually see inside our minds and spirits, we would find some furiuous and frightened little children within our grownup selves. When confronted with stress now, while we think we, the adult, handles it I think that little kid does not. I know when I check in with myself, most of the time I'm feeling anxious and very tense even when "nothing" is going on.

Oh, I don't for one second mean to say this illness is "all in our heads", but as carebelle said, there is a definite Mind/Body/Spirit connection.

For a long time I thought that my mind and spirit had just shut my body down for a re-haul. If I'd been able to quit working, I might have found that it was true. In fact, a woman in a local health food store said that her then teenaged son was diagnosed with CFS years ago. He was put on IV vitamin C and given meds to make him sleep for the most part of a month and according to her, it did the trick. This was at University of Michigan Hospital where I was diagnosed. Nobody offered to help me sleep for a month though, darn it, although I was given a script for Trazadone.

Still, that might be even more proof that we need to let go of as much that stresses us as we possibly can, like the overexcessive responsibity most of us feel. It will take some work, won't it? After all, most of us, at least in the form of those little kids, are experts in responsibility. I read it here in posts every day; people asking in various ways how to be superhuman.

Meanwhile, there's a part of me that believes that somehow we spiritually planned all this before we came to this life and that all of it has a purpose that we won't realize until we've left it.

question this being related to anger or our own various problems is the fact that infants and small children get these dd's also. Where is their deep seated emotional anger or pain? There could be "some" that don't get the parenting they need early on but I doubt all.

At the same time, I was one of those only children that was raised around only adults. I had a shame based mother and grandmother, on that side of the family it was all a history of women ruling the roost also. I wasn't
spanked or any of the usual punishments, I was shamed. It could be in the form of "Aren't you ashamed of..??!!" or "I guess you feel REAL good about...??!!". Inside I'd feel such shame and guilt it would be cutting me in half, but outside I would have rather died than admit it.

I believed in Cinderella and Happily Ever After. Time after time growing up and throughout my life I've been disappointed by people because of it. I've always expected people to be honest with me and always (bad word here) "assumed" people were being as
transparent with me as I was with them. I had no secrets from the people I loved, what you see is what you get. But other people aren't like that and it never fails to surprise me, devestate me, humiliate me and hurt me when I discover I've been lied to.

I had a friend who died in 1990, the same year my mother did. I'd "known" her for probably 20 years. We talked EVERY day on the phone all those years even if we didn't see each other daily. After she died I found out that not ONE thing she had told me about herself or her life was true. Talk about shock and questioning your judgement! She gave
me a lot in her fantasy life though. She advised me about the way she WISHED her life had been and how she
thought I would do best if I followed
her pretend values. So it wasn't wasted. But it WAS a painful discovery never the less.

Even though my mother had treated me pretty darned unfairly most of my life. Even though she had even been cruel in some VERY deep ways..when she developed cancer and was dying I
took care of her. I took on the role of tender mother and loving child. I DID love her but she never gave me credit for being the person I was. She didn't get the number one position she so craved from HER mother and just didn't know HOW to give it to me.

I know all that and that she had her own set of emotional scars and problems, but I don't think she tried her best with me and at times she purposely did things to me just TO hurt me. I'll never know why. I tried SO hard to do the opposite with my daughter and guess what, I raised my
mother! She can be so loving and caring, but she can also be very self centered, very selfish and very cruel
to me. I surely wasn't perfect, far from it, but I thought I had laid the
foundation for her to be anything BUT like my mother. Life is a circle I believe and I doubt I will ever feel
at home in my own skin or satisfied with the way others treat me. But I keep trying to give what I wish I was getting.

I share your concern about small children with these illnesses but I believe there is a huge genetic component to the illnesses, that there is not just one cause and that every case diagnosed as CFS and/or FM is not, in fact, correct. That's been proven by people who later are found to have Lyme's Disease, MS or other diseases.

Our illnesses have unfortunately become a catch-all for doctors who have no time or inclination to look further and, I suspect, unheeded, the illnesses may actually could develop into other problems.

You don't sound angry to me but you do sound very sad. I know that emotion, too, and I applaud your strength in caring for you mother and dealing with your daughter. It's hard to stand up for ourselves when we feel so ill but I hope you do it.