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On Second Thought…

After a lot of reflection and soul-searching, I have come to the realization that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints really is God’s one true church on earth. I regret that God’s choicest blessings have so far only reached 0.2% of the earth’s population, but I take partial responsibility for that by not knocking more doors on my mission in Germany 20+ years ago. I usually did about 10 hours a day, but I should have done more! I acknowledge that Joseph Smith translated the Book of Mormon from actual gold plates, and that the Book of Mormon is an historically correct account of people who lived on the American continent (or continents? not sure which). The missing Lamanite DNA and the anachronisms in the text must be God’s way of testing our faith, which test I’ve failed miserably this last year. I furthermore attest that the Book of Abraham proves Joseph Smith was a true prophet. Thanks to the Book of Abraham, we know God lives on a planet (or maybe a star, I’m not quite sure) named Kolob, which knowledge might come in handy some day if we ever figure out how to invent the warp drive. Because who wouldn’t want to visit God in a Galaxy-class starship? I also admit the Garden of Eden must have actually been in Jackson County Missouri, and that Zelph really was a white Lamanite known from the Atlantic to the Rocky Mountains. (I’m not sure how that lines up with the Mesoamerica limited geography model for the Book of Mormon…crap, time to start building a new shelf.) The several different First Vision accounts aren’t actually contradictory, it’s just that Joseph selectively added/removed details to make different versions more faith-promoting depending on each audience. I don’t know why God wouldn’t allow blacks to have the priesthood or enter the temple until 1978. The lds.org essay hints that maybe early leaders were kind of racist, but that’s all in the past so let’s not worry about it. As for LGBT folks, It’s totally fine to kick them out of the church. If those people aren’t prepared to obey the commandments, they would be happier finding a different church anyway. Those spineless Unitarian-Universalists who don’t worry about keeping any commandments at all would be happy to take them in. Finally, I admit polygamy is God’s plan (just wait until the world finds out what we REALLY meant by “traditional marriage”! Amiright Abraham, Jacob, David and Solomon?) and even though it’s not allowed today, I am totally prepared to sacrifice and take on as many wives as God sees fit when the millennium comes. Hopefully my eternal companions are all really good cooks! I’m thinking I can eat as much as I want once I’m resurrected, so I’ve got that to look forward to. #tendermercies