Stream of Consciousness

I find myself in a horrible space today. I feel disconnected and unreal and separated from Being. My thoughts are rampant and volatile and nonsensical, full of formless anger and hatred and self-loathing and exhaustion. My state of mind alters and falters constantly and irrationally and without reason, forever into oblivion. I cannot make sense … Continue reading In The Ear Hole With An Ice Pick

I am having a really difficult time resolving my internal chaos and the bullshit that all entails with being a person in a relationship who can't always control how I lash out in moments of impulsive volatility and it's really fucking wearing on me. "Most people don't realize that two large pieces of coral, painted … Continue reading Ice Picks and Membranes

Besides those few half-heartedly pathetic attempts at drawing myself back into posting here, I haven't really been active on this blog since my big, exciting psychotic break in 2015. And it took me too long but I finally admitted that I'm not the same person I was before that break, and so I'm not going … Continue reading Under Construction

There were times, often late at night and deeply seated into the void, when the thing in his spine would stir, fitfully. The fluid around it would seem to boil and pop, filling the space around it with frenetic energy and a sound deafening in the vacuous space, a sound to mask the absence of … Continue reading Stirring, Fitfully

I love how it takes me five hours to watch a one hour show because I think I recognize that guy and, wait let me Google movies that star a strong Latino barber, but hang on this Mountain Dew is empty and while I'm up we're out of chips, so I better let the dogs … Continue reading This is why nothing gets done.

Title from Fistula, "Smoke Cat Hair and Toenails", from the album Vermin Prolificus Manic as fuck. This has been building. It's a frantic race to nowhere. A deranged rat on a hamster wheel. The sedatives aren't working ("I think I can handle my sedatives, bro..." -Charlie). Cyclical thought experiments. Running through my past transgressions. Recall, … Continue reading …down on the floor, scratching for more…

Title: Fister, "Flail" from the PRIMITIVE MAN/FISTER Split 12" I've been reflecting lately on the pervasive idea that I don't have anyone in my life who I trust implicitly. Obsessive ruminations feeding a chasm of paranoia. An inability to forgive, to see the other side, to let go. Precious solitude reflected in a negative. Strangers … Continue reading Tormentor (I Am The Meteor Hammer)

I think I might be schizophrenic. Does doubt concerning one's own sanity itself exclude the possibility of insanity? I am definitely paranoid and delusional. As stated here before, I can identify certain things in my mind as absurd and delusional on an intellectual level, but that does not prevent me from believing these absurdities to … Continue reading Just Insanity Things…