ESSAY

Dear Mr. Flitcraft,

We here at Vanderbilt Medical Hospital regret to inform you that we are unable to hire you at this time. Though it is unorthodox, we feel the need to briefly discuss a few of the reasons you were not selected for the position of “Head of Medicine” here at the hospital.

Firstly: On your application when asked if you had ever been convicted of any crimes, you proudly answered: “Black Market Organ Harvesting”. I say ‘proudly’ because you marked the area near this answer with what would appear to be a custom stamp you had made for the occasion reading: “Harrison Vanderbilt Seal of Approval”. Let me be clear. This was not an opportunity to add what you apparently believed to be a credential to your resume. Black market organ harvesting is not a gateway to medical practice. There was one correct answer to this question and it was “no”. In addition, Harrison is not the first name of the hospital’s founder, or any Vanderbilt for that matter. A simple Google search would have reflected this. The fact that you went to extraneous effort in making a stamp then failed to simply Google the name of our hospital’s founder and patriarch shows some sort of dis-balance in priority the likes of which I’ve only ever seen in the most extreme of manic-depressive situations.

Secondly: On the subject of your resume. You listed your prior work experience as “Freelance Photographer”. While this is in no way helpful in applying for this or anyjob at all in the medical field, we were relieved to see that you had steady work and stable creative output in your life. Our relief however dissipated quickly as we glanced further down the page at your description of the work. It would seem that as a “Freelance Photographer” you travel around the country taking pictures of people at rallies attempting free Lance Armstrong from prison. Firstly, Lance Armstrong is not in prison. Lance Armstrong was in fact found guilty of using steroids but this is simply not a prison worthy offense. Who are the people at these rallies so fervently supporting Lance Armstrong? How could they be so misinformed as to believe he is in prison? In one of the photos you included here in your portfolio they seem to be protesting outside of a middle school for the deaf. I don’t understand their reasoning.

Thirdly: You do not have a medical degree. Obviously this is the biggest issue and I’m sorry for burying the lead.

Fourthly: During the interview process you came dressed in scrubs. I admire, again, that you took the time to purchase these in good faith. Though you clearly know nothing of the medical profession you took the time to figure that part out and we thank you for it. What concerns us is this: The particular scrubs you were wearing were drenched in blood as were the latex gloves you were removing from your hands as you walked into the interview room. As you removed your surgical mask you uttered only the phrase: “Welp, ya can’t save em all”. At this point you’ll remember security was called and you were escorted off hospital premises. As you can imagine we then frantically searched every O.R. to make sure you hadn’t attempted to operate on one of our patients. We were relieved to find you hadn’t. We were then perplexed and so we ran the blood from the gloves you left. The blood was not human. But it was also not animal. But it was with 100 percent certainty blood. We still have been unable to figure out exactly what creature this blood came from.

It is for these reasons Mr. Flitcraft, and a litany of others, that we obviously cannot offer you the position as Head of Medicine here at the Vanderbilt Medical Hospital. It is also with these reasons in mind that we have alerted local authorities as to your existence and lifestyle. We wish you well but also request you leave the area of Nashville, Tennessee never to return. It’s a question of public safety. Thank you Mr. Flitcraft.