Hello beautiful people. I know we are all rightfully verklempt that Love and Hip Hop Hollywood has come to a close and we’ve only got an imaginary dildo concept to show for it. Don’t fret though – Mona has decided us to hold over with another season of the lynchpin show that started it all: Love and Hip Hop NY. As the spinoffs have evolved so far beyond the original at this point, LHHNY feels like trying to slap on a nicotine patch to curb a pack-a-day habit – but I’m determined to help us get through this withdrawal together, so lets get started.

The season kicks off with Yandy renting what can only be described as a private party van to head up to Rochester and free her bae Mendeecee(s)* from federal prison. I don’t know what world exists where you get bail and no house arrest for trying to be the 21st century BMF but I guess you can’t admit to a witness protection agreement on national television.

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We’re next taken up to Dyckman for the latest installment of “the ratchet L Word.” Cyn “Young Chipotle” Santana is still struggling with Erica Mena’s incapability of being in a monogamous lesbian relationship in a room where there are men. None of this is helped by a live taping of 106 and Park (pours out a little liquor) where she tongued down Lil Bow Wow (I heard he’s trying to go by Shad Moss now but no one’s got time for his government name) to “keep her fans happy.” I don’t know what abyss of the internet contains the 7 trifling folks who’ve been clamoring for a Bow Wow and Erica pairing, but they each owe me money so I could get 5 minutes of my life back. While Erica continues to insist that “there’s no right and there’s no wrong”, she placates Cyn by telling her that “cuffing season is year round.” She then goes down to Caridad to pick up some mangu and morir sonando while Cyn falls into a peaceful slumber, false lashes and all, bachata playing softly in the background, with dreams of hookah deals at La Marina calming her spirit.

At long last, we are returned to the never ending case of Peter Gunz and his Wandering Penis. Last we left them, Peter had decided to commit to Amina and their upcoming child. Well here we are five months later at the sonogram, and it seems to be finally hitting them that ole boy is about to have his 8th kid with not a job to be found. (Love and Hip Hop doesn’t count as a job because they’re paid in Crown Fried Chicken Gift Certificates). Even with Peter being first in line on the unemployment queue, Amina notes that Peter is still leaving early and coming home late…we all know how this story ends. Somewhere in Queens, Tara is getting her groove back by going for a run in the middle of the street at night in traffic and doing the most erotic calisthenics in life with her new “personal trainer.”Girl, I guess.

We’ve also got a whole bunch of new characters to replace the interchangeable characters from last season (bye bye Erica and Saigon): first we have Diamond Strawberry (did her parents think that name through?), daughter of the legendary baseball player, who inexplicably left her kid behind to pursue a career in the back pages of King Magazine. She is also in a relationship with a man named Cisco – although he may not be in a relationship with her (his words: “she don’t ask, I don’t tell). I’m in on Cisco only because he claims to be a producer for a Brooklyn Area rapper that goes by the name Uncle Murda and is responsible for this piece of local cable advertising greatness. Get him a guest feature Mona!

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We also meet Chrissy, a former Madame/Pimp turned “model manager” who alleges that Erica Mena used to be part of her harem, and her man Chink, who’s allegedly produced for the likes of Ja Rule, Ashanti, Toni Braxton, and Keyshia Cole – which means he stopped working in 2005. So far I’m unbothered but a white woman with a patterned fade always has potential so I’ll keep my third eye open.

The episode ends with Mandeecee(s) whisking Yandy away to Vegas for a surprise wedding, which as usual, left me with more questions than answers. How did he get access to his bank account? How is he allowed to cross state lines? Is he not a flight risk? Is a camo button down considered appropriate eloping attire? Find out on the next episode of Dragonball Z.