John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Being "Stuck On a Painful Image" keeps us Stuck in the Grief (Published 12-13-11)

Q:

My Husband passed away just last year, I tried with all my might to breathe air into his asthmatic lungs. I watched as he choked and looked up and rolled his eyes. I tried and tried and could not revive him! Now I have that image in my head of his struggling for air. Over and over it plays. I find it hard to breathe now some nine months later. I also lost my step father and father-in-law all within several months of my husband's death. The grief is so heavy. I find it hard to get past everything! It all haunts me daily.I don't know what I should do. I have kept all my daily routines, working still, but nothing helps me with the heavy grief, crying, and the image of his not being able to breath.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Darline,

Thanks for your note, and yes, we know that it can be really difficult to deal with those recurring images.

So much so, that years ago we wrote about it and it has become an extremely important aspect of our work. We have found that when people are stuck on those images, they have a hard time doing the work of Grief Recovery which will help them adapt to their changed lives after someone important to them dies.

We don’t know if in looking through our Question and Answer section on Tributes.com, you came across one of our responses titled, “Stuck On A Painful Image.”

If not, we've pasted it in for you, below our signature. First is a little preamble, and then the actual section from the book.

We hope this helps.

From our hearts to yours,

Russell And John

The issue of a recurring, painful last image or images of someone important to us who has died, is sadly common for many grieving people. Whether the image pops up during sleep, in dreams or nightmares; or awake, as the result of any number of reminders of the person who died, they can be tremendously upsetting. In addition to the pain they cause, those images often make us afraid to think about and remember the person we loved, because it seems as if the only thing we can think of is that last terrible image. Another aspect of the image problem, is that for many people, the only image they are remembering is that last horrible one at the end of their person’s life, and the thousands of other images we have from a lifetime with that person seem to go out of focus or even disappear. As you probably already know, any attempt to try “not to think about it,” doesn’t work. The fact is some of those last images are really powerful and in a manner of speaking, it seems as if they are burned into your brain. Over the years, to help people whose lives were dominated and limited by those kinds of images, we developed a way to help them have the painful images recede into the background, and take their place within the entire relationship with the person who died, and not be the only images they remember. On pages 157 and 158 of The Grief Recovery Handbook is a heading titled, “Stuck On a Painful Image.” We have reprinted it for you below so you can get immediate benefit from the guidance it contains. In the meantime, we also suggest you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook and read it and take the all actions it suggests.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.