Category: Ramblings

Feels like being myself, with other people. Opening up to them, I mean. Of course I still choose who I tell things to, but this one with Sulin was really good, though it took a good unexpected turn.

We had dinner with the guys beforehand, at Miligram. Surprisingly the food is good (had sausage + carbonara pasta) – previous time I went I only had cake and coffee, and while the cake was alright, the coffee I remember it being decent. Leo would be playing outside with the 2 kittens whenever possible (lol usually when people went to order food or take toilet breaks).

Talked about high school life, girls and boys schools, movies, random snippets, -wrong- snippets, and more nonsense. They’re all younger than me, but I am quietly happy to know that we still share alot of things which are the same. It was a good evening.

After we parted ways with them, Sulin and I went for a drink. And we talked about wok. Everything about work that was on my mind, that was bogging me down, that I worried over not being able to do well, and also everything that I felt jaded over and that looked like it had no real light on the path. Some things we gotta plow through, others could be just working out people problems. Setting expectations, and seeing how others cope with the same problem.

The way we handled the issues are different – we complain and opt for a larger scale rewrite, the others chugged along and patched where necessary. There is a good, and a bad. And I have to learn how to manage the bad parts, which I haven’t been doing so well on recently.

Coming back to the other event of the upcoming techconf, handling senior-er people and just general YOLO spirit is not really the way to go forward, you know? It’s a huge gathering of 70 staff – not everything will just magically work itself out. I’ll admit that some contingency plans are needed (not for everything), but these plans need to be made. “Oh, we’ll think about it when we get there” is NOT a plan. When shit hits the fan we will need to have a united front and act accordingly.

I will say it now. The day started horribly. The feeling of abandonment just swept me away.

Chris took me out to lunch. I just cried and cried. It was really scary. And I felt super vulnerable.

And I found that the pain came from multiple places. From giving away the ability to control my own decisions, being guilt tripped into giving up on myself as a priority, feeling that I wasn’t good enough that I would disappoint those that I loved the most.. All the way down to being insecure about who I am.

But I talked to all 3. Chris. Pika. Xiaobao. All of them had to remind me that though we will not be with each other all the time, we’re not lost and gone.

Growing up is not growing apart.

It was attachment and dependency that was holding me back. Cause I thought if I didn’t grip on to it, it’ll just disappear. It made me fear so many things, to the point that I was trapped holding on to the past.

So, here’s to letting go of the past. Hopefully I can embrace the future on my own, without needing the crutches of the past to hold me up.

I really needed that support from them. And I think I got it. I’m just learning how to apply the lesson that’s been taught.

I find that I never really got emotional support at home – I always had to go out and seek it from close friends. Maybe it was just the way I was brought up – that nobody really got their feelings acknowledged nor listened to. It was usually the case where you had to deal with your own problems, as long as you were around to help with the family, you were doing all right.

Maybe that’s why I felt the pain so much more.

……………….

I also had the team meeting with the KLSwing gang. Feels like a busy year ahead but we’re cruising so far. First event is gonna happen in 3 weeks.

I thought I was not doing a good job in everything, that I was just useless because I couldn’t handle anything well that day. And that carried on to being nasty to myself. I cried on the drive home because all I could think of was, that I Sucked.

But I did have some happy times. I had lunch with Sam, and I guess I talked alot about travelling. Over Thai food. And he listened. I also went to pick up Deniece’s present from Ellie. And it looks plain but I know the inside will be simply beautiful. I apologized for causing hurt, and I am just human. I also finished the Liar Game manga. I liked it ALOT!

Maybe today was not such a good day. I kept thinking that my friends will forget about me someday since they’ve found what they wanted in life and that I am not important to them anymore. It also drains my will to do good work since I don’t think I would be appreciated.

The good thing is, though, that I held on to the belief that I still have others around me in spirit (but not in person) who appreciate me for who I am. Also had the work conversation on the best way to proceed with reworking the code base, and entrusted them to carry through with the plan. I also saw efforts in learning in others that helped me keep the faith that all this, is not in vain.

Today, I am thankful because I got to wake up early. Go to Lake Gardens and squeezed in some dances and the teacher talks. Also chatted with Sulin while she was getting her hair done. I’m a lucky little girl because I got to eat Sarawak laksa as leftover. We also discovered a decent Middle Eastern restaurant Lambogi that was pretty tasty!

Re-reading Liar Game as well. Such a great read! I can’t put it aside.. gotta continue! :3

I tried to ask Jaz out to lunch. Did not happen, he said he was busy. That’s okay – although I felt slightly sad, but I will learn to accept the way things are. It’s not the worst. But I think I did good today.

I am thankful because I got to spend time with Chris and Pikachin. And I watched a movie which was based on an excellent book series – Madeleine L’Engle’s A Wrinkle In Time. I still love that even after 20 years, the book remains relevant (even if sadly so.) I also had some excellent steamboat and I’d do that again.

I didn’t treat myself well because sometimes I still missed that Jaz wasn’t with us. He was busy, yes, but it still felt like a piece was missing.

Today I am a happy girl. I got to cut my hair, color it (subtle and sweet), talk my heart out, and spend time spoiling myself silly. Good food, good company, good money spent. I need to treat myself again.

The truth is, my heart of hearts already kind of knew. You just confirmed it, and I was just unwilling to confirm those fears until you said it.

Is it strange that I felt a kind of relief?

I FINALLY have a conclusion to all this weirdness. So it turns out that he was just trying to make sure I had no more feelings for him. Or rather, treating me harshly would kill whatever feelings I had left.

GOD DAMN LOL. Stupid man.

I just want you to be happy, and though I thought I still had a tiny chance I am not crazy enough to put you through all that again.

Don’t think I’m ready for anyone new at the moment – just gonna take my time, and be at peace with who I am. And who I want to be when the right person comes along.

Sometimes I feel frustrated when people are just ok with not questioning, not fighting for a better future – not even bothering to try to improve things for themselves.

And especially when it happens in the workplace, like wtf are you really that blind to the amount of complacency that is happening? Time and again no matter what talk I go to, the focus is always this (especially for developers) – nobody just wants a code monkey anymore. It’s those that care about giving an experience to their users that they themselves would enjoy.

It’s always about the product first. From where I’m standing, it just looks like nobody cares about the product, just how one can skim money off the user. What the actual fuck. What kind of direction is this?

Next up – when I observe the management, or whatever little that they reveal themselves to the rest of us, it’s such a lie. They claim to embrace the values that they put out – to be transparent, honest, open, collaborative. You sure as hell don’t see that here. Everyone keeps their best ideas to themselves, only utilizing each other where necessary. There’s no cohesion, just confusion.

Going on abit further – the devs, while they’re good individuals, aren’t being given the opportunity to learn and explore things. There’s a general lack of developmental plans for them, and even lesser room to actually build one. I’m not going to let that slide – I have to let them do something a little bit out of whack, that will jolt them awake. I have to build my own path and take it.

Sigh, the problem remains the same. I love the people I work with, but I detest the people I work for..

I realize that this made me speak alot of Cantonese (as broken as it is) to the tour guide. Haha, I find it funny that I can’t speak my supposed mother tongue very well in the motherland 😛 but I’m kinda getting used to it – it’s nice to be able to somewhat carry a conversation and not trip up too badly! #syoksendiri

Guangzhou has its nice parts, I like how there are trees nestled everywhere around the “city center”. It’s like they built the city around the natural forestry, trying not to disrupt the original inhabitants (the old, old, trees). It gives the city a character few can replicate, if at all.

However there are Strange Behaviors among its people – maybe these are visitors from more remote parts or just generally douchebags. I did see people being rude, loud, pushy and have no regard for rules (resulting in service staff being somewhat more curt, making them look more like school caretakers / babysitters). Which is a pity.