STEP AWAY FROM THE BACON

You roll over in bed and blink. Things slowly start to come into focus you see the light from the hall creeping under your door. You sit up and stretch and feel the familiar grumble of your empty stomach. You inhale deeply and sigh. Moments later it hits you. Your eyes widen and nostrils flare. You stand up abruptly and race to the door, throwing it open, ignoring the head-rush. Your feet pound across the cold hardwood floor as you make your way to the kitchen. You hesitate at the door, peering around the corner to find the culprit. There stands your mother fully clad in morning attire, pink house coat and fuzzy slippers with a messy bun to match, standing over the stove, armed with a spatula, fat sizzling and spitting up at her, cooking bacon.

Cooking this guy.

You are obviously outraged. How could the woman who bore you, taught you to speak, picked you up when you fell down, make such an unethical decision? “WHO ARE YOU?!” you scream. “I WANT A NEW MOTHER!”

Okay maybe you overreacted, but you are an educated, informed individual. You understand the implications of bacon and you will not stand idly by and watch this injustice take place in your own house.

If your guilty conscious can withstand this blow then you deserve some bacon. But don’t stuff your face yet!

The second half of my argument is a little more relevant. NOT THAT THAT FACE IS IRRELEVANT BECAUSE IT IS NOT. There’s a lot you probably don’t know about bacon’s original form. Pigs are the 4th smartest animal (excluding humans.) They are only outranked by elephants, dolphins and chimps (and humans.) They learn as quickly as chimps. They can recognize their own name within only a week of being born. Guess how long it takes a human baby.

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HALF A YEAR. And their names are probably called a lot more than these piglets, so consider those implications. They continue exceed the capability of any 3 year old child, and most toddlers speak by then. They are far more intelligent than your cat or dog, too.They can recognize and remember up to 30 other pigs. They’ve done countless studies that show that pigs are also very social creatures. They did things like show one pig where a food stash was and they observed that this pig would always share this information with the group instead of being “a geeedy little piggy” and chowing down solo. They can also learn how to play videogames using their snout to operate the joystick. I THINK THAT AS A RULE WE SHOULD NOT EAT THINGS THAT CAN SUCCESSFULLY PLAY PACMAN.