Life Update: Disappearing Into The space Of Emptiness

Grieving. Not just for a friend, but for myself. Bumascloset has been quiet for a while, everything blogging related was put on hold to get me together. I’ve been on a rollercoaster, as expected filled with high highs and extreme bad lows. In life, what doesn’t kill you always make you stronger? A sentence that isn’t comforting to the ears when you’re in the situation that has turned viewpoint of life in disarray. It seems to have a slight edge over any positive news that occurs in the midst of the mess. A bittersweet lifestyle.

You never forget a first time. Attending a funeral, tending in your resignation letter to a toxic work environment, escaping your problems through a holiday, and your first ‘real’ job. In 2018, it’s rolled in a spectrum of emotions that demanded my attention. Within five months my life has changed in ways I didn’t imagine it would.

I’ve had my fair share of attending a funeral, only two of those death hurts the most. My step-dad older brother, and a friend I recently lost. I guess I connected with them on an emotional level that I never did with the rest. There are barely any words to describe the heartache of wading through the stages of grieve while trying to make sure those affected by the tragedy are okay. In silence, I’ve had a flush of tears rolling down my cheeks on bended knee hoping I was speaking to my friend’s spirit on why it happened. I’m heartbroken and guilt-ridden for taking her presence for granted. Two weeks on, her death still feels surreal, scrolling through our message, captured videos and Instagram page hoping she will pop on the following page liking Rihanna’s, Aaliyah’s and others page. I can’t fathom that someone could be here then the next they are gone. I love you always and forever Shante. I’m missing you and I’m sorry I took your presence for granted. Sleep well my Virgo sister. Gang Gang. Our season is approaching.

Quit And Getting A New Job

In the midst of mourning a friend, I got my ‘real’ first job that will lead to a fulfilling career, a space for growth. It was a job that came at the right time when my hope was dwindling. In the last few months, the beginning of this year to be exact, my mental health was suffering which made my body react by falling sick often. I felt trapped in my mind wondering when I would escape the prison I called work. I hated working there, the constant disrespect from all corner was too much to bear. I couldn’t do the irresponsible thing by quitting without having something lined up, and staying home doing nothing aside from blogging wouldn’t be fulfilling. So I stuck it out for the money yet it didn’t motivate or made me happy. So I made applying for a new job my second job until I got my current one. But the good news came at a time I was in despair, but it gave me a second to breathe. I felt a slight relieve from receiving the good news after months of doors filled with opportunities slammed at my face.

Falling Out Of Love With BloggingI don’t have a lot of hobbies. But when I find something I enjoy, I dedicate my time, energy and self into the activities. Blogging started as a safe space to express my love for fashion, an online diary that shows insight into my life and the activities I do. As the year past, I wanted more out of blogging. But I wasn’t progressing as much I would like to. So I felt demotivated as I would compare my content to other bloggers and watched the rate at which they grew. It was disheartening to the point that I was ready to walk away. But the years of investing in my blog couldn’t go to waste which made me put a stop to blogging for a while. I need to re-energised and seclude myself before my self-esteem gets affected. So I stopped, I enjoyed life without the need to document every moment. And it felt great! Now I’m back and focused.

I hope you’re well! How’s your Sunday going? I hope life is treating you well! I can’t put a face to my readers, I want you to know I care for you guys and your wellbeing.