I was going to call this post Deep Thoughts with the sub header ‘But probably not as deep as Jack Handey’s, and With More Strippers,’ but Candice beat me to that particular punch. Plus, I realized that there are no strippers in here at all so that wouldn’t really make sense. Anyway, I thought if I could get these on paper they’d stop taking up space in my small, cramped mind. If anyone has any answers to my many questions, please be a dear and enlighten me.

-Why do they call highways parkways? I mean, I know that traffic can be bad and all of that but aren’t you just jinxing the thing from the start?

-Why does she insist on going by Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio? When your last name is so long, why not drop Elizabeth at the very least? It’s a pain in the ass to even hear that name much less trying to fit it in the credits.

-I hate when I ask for directions and someone tells me to go to Oak Street and go north. How the fuck am I supposed to know which way is north? Do I look like Ponce de Leon to you?

-After at least 25 thousand (or whatever) years of civilization, how the hell did no one invent an effective mosquito/fly killer yet?

-I seem to function a lot better when I’m slightly horny. If I go 3 or more days without sex my mind is sharper, my thoughts are more precise, and my energy level is way higher. When I have too much sex I’m a lazy, useless shell of a man. All that being said, I can’t go more than 6 days without, or the cat will start looking sexy.

-I honestly can’t comprehend patriotism in the context that it is used by the Fox pundits. I do love America, and I’m proud of America, and I deeply appreciate the people who have sacrificed for the great nation. But in reality, you don’t have any choice where you are born. And most of the people that spout off about all of this nonsense haven’t done a thing to sacrifice personally. For all of her virtues America has a piss poor track record of being ‘the greatest country on earth.’ God didn’t hand it to the amazing religious white man. They came in, butchered the indigenous peoples, and stole it. We were one of the last countries to condone slavery. There are still to this day not equal rights for all people. I can’t grasp how this is always tidily glossed over in Beck’s and Hannity’s monologs. I don’t understand how they can make all of these outrageous claims about the absolute greatness of a country, and not want their own sick, poor and helpless to be taken care of. Why do these perfect Christians always show the most unchristian like characteristics?

-Who reads Prince Valiant or Mary Worth and why?

-I expected so much out of Tarentino after Pulp Fiction. What ever happened to him and his brilliant dialogue?

-I don’t mean for this to be an indictment of the American public school system, as much as wanting to point out what is wrong with the current mainstream ideology in the US. It’s been my experience that the average European citizens, be they lager louts in the UK, Romanian ruffians, German teenagers or Spanish ecstasy addicts are overwhelmingly more cultured and knowledgeable about the world. I found that I can have an intelligent conversation discussing art, literature, and world history with damn near anyone I meet here. I’ve come across drunks sitting in a bar first talking about Rembrandt and going on to coups in Thailand. Even the window lickers over here have a grasp of current events in the world.

I think the US has become so self-centered as a society that there is little room for anything else. Everywhere I’ve ever been in the world, when you turn on the news they cover the whole world, but you’d have to watch hours of CNN or FOX to catch a minute of anything happening anywhere else. They’d rather cover a 10 person protest on the Boise Idaho city hall than cover riots on the streets in France or the bloodshed in Sudan. And this has caught up with our children. I honestly can’t tell you how many people have asked me how long it takes to drive to England from Florida. You just have to turn on Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader to see what I mean. But if you don’t believe me, the next time you’re in a Wal-Mart or a bar strike up a conversation with a total stranger about something outside the sphere of US influence, and you’ll be shocked. I know I always was. I love my country just as much as Beck, and gosh darn it…..I just don’t want to see it produce fucking idiots.

-Why wasn’t Sex and the City called Sex in the City? Seriously?

-Why is it called black Friday? I get the ‘in the black’ connotation but seriously when you have black Tuesday and the black death why put it on the day after Thanksgiving. Maybe they could call it ‘Begin Paying 21% Interest to Visa Day! –sponsored by Visa!

-I seem to like the idea of some things more than I like the things themselves. I like the romantic idea of being homeless in Costa Rica more than I’d probably like the reality of it. I like the idea of going to the running of the bulls more than I’d like a horn ripping through my thigh. I like the idea of writing a book more than sitting down and writing it. I like the idea of having sex with blond twins more than I’d like the sex, especially since twins freak me out a little. I like the idea of being married to Tyras more than I’d…….actually; I think I’d be ok with that one.