Monday, February 02, 2009

Train lines are warping, black outs are happening, and old people are dropping like flies. Its summer kids!

I spent the last few years day-dreaming about a hot Adelaide Summer. But it looks like one of those Twilight Zone twists has occurred, in a “Careful what you fucking wish for, because it just might come true” context.

Adelaide’s temperature for the last few days:

Christ. I was enjoying the Adelaide weather for quite a while there (I didn’t see a cloud for my first 10 days back in the city), but I feel ill prepared for this heat wave. I guess I haven’t acclimatized yet. My delicate Londoner flesh still considers 28 degrees to be a hot day. 40 plus just makes me nervous.

I’ve been spending my days hiding in my house surrounded by Playstation games and DVDs. If I need to leave the house, then I hug the shadows like I'm Batman.

I read the Advertiser to find strange and fantastic things happening in my city. Train lines have been warping because of the heat. Black outs have been hitting city blocks. And on the front page of the paper, one woman came home to find a Koala sitting in the tray of water she had left out for the birds. I've scanned the picture for your convenience, and yes, ”Koala sits in birdbath” is what we consider head line news in this city.

”WTF? That water is for the birds you greedy Koala! Here’s a nice warm cup of GTFO”

The population has been taking extreme measures to keep themselves cool. Coffee sales are down, people have been drenching each other with bottled water, and my neighbour told me he paid an underage prostitute to urinate on his face and neck. Though come to think of it, he told me this last month. When it wasn’t even that hot.

Its not only unbearble temperatures that heat waves bring out, but also unbearable trivia too.

“This is the hottest August day in 70 years” or “This is the hottest spring week in eight decades”, is the kind of bollocks the News programs shove in our sweaty faces every time we have an increase in mercury.

Does anybody actually give a fuck? Is there some old guy sitting in a rocking chair on his front porch thoughtfully stroking his beard thinking “Yeah, I remember that week back in 1929. That fucker was a scorcher”.

Am I the only person who notices how OLD these fucking weather records are? Do we really trust the accuracy of these accounts? It’s not like they had complicated computers set up to record the temperatures.

Case in point: I’m being told this heat wave is Adelaide’s hottest in a century.

100 years people.

Like I’m going to trust the meteorological bureau of 1909 to provide me with precise data.

"Okay boys, let’s chuck this witch in the river. If she floats, the temperature is 40 degrees. If she sinks, its 25 degrees – with a cold front coming in from the West”

Actually, I know one group of people who cares about all of this shit - Hippies.

Because every time we get reports of a heat wave the local hippies put down their Bong and bowl of Froot Loops and get all up in my face crying ”Global Warming!”, and tell me I need to recycle my cans and ride a bike to work, OR THE EARTH IS GOING TO FUCKING DIE.

I have to admit, I’m confused. If Global Warming is a problem, and the world is getting hotter – then why is London experiencing a foot of snow, and their coldest winter in 13 years?

I asked Bear Girl for advice. She had this to say:

Huh.

At the end of the day, heat waves aren’t forever and the temperature will drop (for at least a week anyway), we'll just have to ride this one out.

A few decades from now the Earth might just dry out, and the planet will no doubt turn into one big desert arena of Road Warriors fighting for the last scraps of food and petrol.

I just hope I live long enough to see that scenario, because it does sound pretty awesome.