The Hard Stuff: "Should I Leave My Husband?"

I've been married to my husband for almost five years. He was different from guys I normally dated quiet, calm, more stable. I described my love for him as a quiet love. About a year ago I started getting unhappy with my life with him. I love him, but it's more of a deep friendship type of love. I told him this, but he seems fine with it as long as we stay married. I don't want to hurt him he's a wonderful husband. Plus, I'm completely dependent on him financially, and if I leave him, I feel I'm not entitled to spousal support or medical benefits because he's done nothing to make me stop loving him. What should I do? A.P., 26, Sicklerville, NJ

Some hard truths: Since you're totally dependent on your husband, you can't simply walk out the door. Are you entitled to alimony? If you left, you'd have no choice but to seek and accept it. These are big considerations, and for now, they limit your options.

Set aside the stay-or-go question for the moment. Appreciate the friendship-type love you have for what it is and think about developing something else in your life that's just for you: Look into getting a job you might enjoy; take a class; train for a 10K. When we invest in ourselves in this way, or find and develop a passion, it takes the pressure off others (especially husbands) to provide all the joy in our lives.

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During the times you're feeling particularly friendly toward your husband, remember why you married him. You said he was different from other guys you'd dated which means you found something preferable in him. Could you find that feeling again? I'm not anti-divorce, but having gone through one, I can tell you that it at least initially causes more misery than anyone ever imagines. The point is, you're married to someone who even you admit is wonderful, so give the relationship more time. If you can't bear staying married to him, you'll know it soon enough, and then nothing will prevent you from doing what you know you must.

Need smart advice?
Maybe your best friend is suddenly acting strangely. Or your parents or in-laws are making you nuts. Or your sister always takes your moms side in an argument, instead of yours. Whatevers bugging or perplexing you about your friends, brother, sister, parents, in-laws, husband, you name it REDBOOKs Karen Karbo has the smart advice you need. Email your questions, rants, and worries to her at karenkarbo@redbookmag.com and please include your initials, age, city and state. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.