Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I am nervous about the next post I will make. This being NYE and all. I am spending it with PB. And I am nervous about how the husband will handle it. I hope he doesn't hurt himself or get too sad or drink too much that will make him feel hopeless.he says he will always be here for me. I want him to be. I do not want to lose him.I could stay here tonight. PB would say it did not matter to him. But it would. The man held me all morning cuddling. He falls asleep with me in his arms every night. He puts up with all my moods, hugging me, kissing me and I'm not even pretty but he tells me I am.I look at him all the time, he is just so beautiful, so manly. I look into those edgy blue eyes, they back at me as if to say, it all ok. I am happy and alive and you make it like that for me and why don't you feel the same?PB means so much to me. I can only hope I means as much to him.So tonight i will be there with him, bringing in the New Year. Last NYE I was with someone who did not want me. Not like I wanted him. That guy never treated me the way PB does.So here I am again, taking a chance. I hope and pray the husband makes it through the next 24 hours ok. I do love him and it would destroy me if something happened to him.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Yesterday was a good day. And I know from experience to treasure those days. The hubby and I had breakfast and fixed the porch. We even rode into town and went to the hardware store and bought lunch.We hung out as friends. It was so nice and then last night I went over PB's and helped him in the shed with the new window. We sat at the table and ate leftover chicken cordon bleu and mac and cheese. We went to bed and i found out that my timing was bad. Poor PB. I put his hand someplace that got him excited and then the porr sweet guy can't do what he wants. But welaughed about it. We laugh alot, about everything, usually flagulance and sex.We ended up cuddling and sleeping.I am so happy to be with this beautiful sweet man. I am falling so hard for him. How could I not? But if he is so wonderful how could the last 3 women dump him? I pray his bad old days are behind him.Saw the hubby this morning. He is being so good to me. I am in love with him, as a friend. My respect for him is growing.

Monday, December 29, 2008

well, you know the rest and if you don't, then you are missing out on some of the greatest american literature of our time and I cannot help you in any way.Everybody that calls me asks me how my Christmas was. It was wonderful and weird, very weird, but very wonderful. And when your life is as fucked up as mine seems to be most of the time, you savor the unhellish portions.I woke up at PB's Christmas morning and for the first time in well over 15 years, I had Christmas morning sex. PB wanted to open gifts, but he had to go to his ex in laws, so I went over my brother's house and listened to fasinating holiday morning conversation. "Yeah, Sher's gotta go to macys tomorrow. Dey got 2 for 1 bras and she needs new bras for her cans cos they're big as houses."The bro asked me what I was making for dinner for PB and I said pork chops. He replied, "Sheri's gonna get a pork chop later tonight."My godson opened his presents, he loved the Star Station I got him. he loves to watch himself on tv and now he can do that and sing and dance and see it all.Then I went home and spent 5 hours with the husband. We opened presents (super cool HD sweaters, 1 was even cashmere!) and I made a ham. Then it was back to PB's for presents and affection and more sex. He gave me a Bluetooth, The Ov-Glove and a slow cooker cockpot that I wanted.Then Friday I had to drive to Nashville to deliver the horrible swingarm and the bike frame from Hell. It was 6 hours to get there but worth it just to say good da fuck bye.Friday night it was back in my baby's arms for serious cuddling.Saturday we went to a party to meet PB's old friends and poker buddies. They said I was an upgrade from his last GF. We had a wonderful time and yes he was the hottest guy in the bar. he later told me I was the cutest chick there. Not bad for a couple of old farts. We were too beat for sex.But........Sunday morning, we made up for that. Sunday we listened to the Panthers almost blow it again and worked on the addition to the Crazy Horse Annex. Plus I made the most kick ass barboque in the new crock pot. Super yummy! It was a weird day, rainy and drizzle and then sun and then mkore drizzle. We got totally muddy and me in my $350 Tecnicas. But they rinse off and it was back to cuddling. Poor PB had to sit through Fargo. "That's 2 hours I'll never get back."Now I am helping the husband fix our front porch and tonight I will be back at PB's cooking meatballs and having sex but not at the same time.Ok gotta go help hubby.

Later

The porch is fixed and hubby referred to the BF as my prince. Humm, I think he knows something more about PB. He might just have an idea of what he looks like. Maybe he is finding out that he is not a bad guy with poor taste.

Gotta make an appointment at the vet for Zoe. Hoping she and the soon to be born puppies are doing good.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

it occurred to me as I was walking into the house from the shop, as I walked across the front porch, which glowed blue due to the blue LED lights strung over the length of the porch.I am making macaroni and cheese for the house. Tomorrow I make a ham. Later tonight I'll go over to PB's. He's shopping. We've been texting all day.For someone who doesn't like the edge, I seem to spend alot of time there.

After looking closely at PB, very closely, I might add, I have seen that he is very decent. He has not broken my trust. I was bothered my the fact that he stayed on the Personals several months after we started dating and that I had to bring up him making his profile unsearchable. And then months alter asking him to delete it. I had hoped he would do it on his own.But he did not.So no matter what it was always on the back of my mind that he "was not that into me."So I stayed very skeptical. But I have seen that he has been good. he has not been a shit. I know he had those days in his past, where he was not to be trusted. But like Barb says, "yeah, he's good to YOU."And so far he is.Like last night, I was inside reading and he was working in the shed. he asked me to come and run the drill. He really did not need me, but he wanted me around.That felt good. Plus he held me much of the night, and we slept in this morning and there was more holding.Its funny I remember how he told me in the beginning that he would start to push me away cos he needed to sprawl in bed. That never happened.And so I am allowing myself to enjoy my time with him, and not worry about tomorrow.

As for Jack, he is learning to deal with it, atleast he says he is. I keep hoping he won't kill himself. I get so scared at times. he wants me back so very badly. but unless I am single again, and can get past all hurt he has done me, I do not see it happening. I love him so much. But I went for many many years with him rejecting me over and over. Now it his turn to wait and see. I do not know the future and cannot give him an answer.I am hoping that PB and I have a long life together. We make each other so happy. We are both so alike in so many ways.

And the dog is pregnant again. I worry for her. She is so sweet and it is all my fault. The pups are due in 3 weeks. God I hope she makes it through it ok.

I think back about this month, the puppy I found and found a home for. The work I did. The worries I had. And still have. I guess I am just giving them a rest for a while.

Today I finished the toughest part of a long time project that had turned into a nightmare. Part One leaves Friday. The customer who hated me a few months ago, is now quite happy. I can only hope he stays that way.Plus I am finishing up a painting, and it looks good. I think the customer will be pleased. I know I am.PB is getting cabinets for our new shop. I will have two shops now. One I share with Jack and I shared with PB.Truthfully it bothers me a little, I hope PG is not with me cos of what I do. he says it is far more than that.I look at Mike and he has been with Cole for 4 years now. I know she would not be with him if he was not who or what is is. So who knows, no easy answers. See what i mean about trust?PB is finishing up his hsopping later today.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Its a cold morning here on the farm. But I feel warm. I have spent the past few months literally in a constant state of worry. One crisis happening after another. And then my beautiful PB. I was so worried that he would betray me in some way. But I have looked and looked and he has been so loyal to me. Yesterday morning, he was so so sweet. I think his folks are very happy he is with me. They included me in the gifting. It was a gift to us. Their intent was clear. I think he is ok with that but he is starting to see how real it is. Maybe that has him a little shook. But hey guy, you're not a young stud trying to prove anything to yourself. Atleast I hope he doesn't feel he has to prove anything. He has a wonderful woman who cares so very much for him, who thinks he is the hottest man on the planet. A woman who will care about him and for him and never make him feel bad about himself or make him sad.I just want ot get on with my life. work, make a life, enjoy the life we have together. There are enough things to worry about. I want my personal relationship not to be one of them. I just want to live and enjoy what is left. Enjoy it with my beautiful, sweet man.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Some people like the rollercoaster. I don't. Not in relationships anyway. When I last wrote, the rollercoaster felt like it was heading on the low side. But things improved. PB got all sweet and super sweet again and it felt good. I want to kick back and enjoy it. Not worry if the world will kicked out from under me just when I start to feel secure about what is going on.I wonder what is going through his head. He is such a mystery at times, but then I guess most guys are. And that is not an attractive quality. Give me predictable any day. There is plenty to wonder about in my life, my personal relationship? No, I don't need mystery.But he is very mysterious. The things he wants. What he dreams of. I don't spend alot of time thinking about this kinda stuff. Too busy working and enjoying our time together.And the crazy thing is I feel so secure with him. Well I guess as close to secure as I could come. He remembered it was 6 months last night.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

It was almost a month ago that I began to really wonder how PB felt. Guys, its girl thing. We like to know where we stand. For whatever reason, I got a little sensitive last night with PB. A misunderstanding about something. But there was more to it and he pushed, we talked alittle. I came away more confused.I don't get why I snapped. He's done nothing but be truthful with me. He's been very sweet. But I pushed him and he saw I was sad. It bothered him a bit and now I need to back off. Like i shoulda done in the first place.Things were going real good. I got impacient.But.Am I as important to him as he is to me?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The hell with horror movies, the scariest stories, atleast for any woman can be found on Cosmo magazine's online website. Those words I have been waiting to hear. Turns out they don't mean shit. Woman after woman posted stories about how they had been dating a guy for a year or two. The dude says "I love you so much." Then the next day or next week, they break up with the chick. Sometimes with a text message. Then the next chick they meet, they're married or engaged within 6 months.

HUH????So do these words mean anything? To be lulled into a false sense of peace. Now granted, there are two sides to every story, maybe the women gained all kinds of weight or shut down for sex or started being bitchy and picky. You know, how people are nicer in the beginning?

I saw PB last night and he was so sweet. I hold his face in my hands and look into those amazing eyes and just know I will only grow to care for him more. I see into those eyes and think, this person has never really had a chance to be who and what he really is. I think he is capable of such love and life. I think he really does care very deeply for me. But can he tell me?

And just what do those words mean? I have heard them from several men over the years and in the end, it turned out they didn't mean so much after all. To be told "I love you." But their actions sent a message of "yeah, you mean alot to me, where's the bar and the strippers?" or "where's the cociane and my old girlfriend?"

Sunday, December 7, 2008

at guitar hero. Its pretty embarrassing, especially in light of the fact that I used to play guitar. I even took lessons for 4 years. Sure I have not touched a guitar, other than to paint, in over 20 years. But still, a 10 year old child kicks my ass at Guitar Hero.

Hell, learning to ride a jockey shift bike was easier. Suicide clutch even. The dude explained how it worked and what I had to do. I took off on the bike and before I had even made one pass in the parking lot, I shifted smoothly from gear to gear and was loving it. This fricking thing, I kept missing notes, song after song. Gimme a jockey shift any day of the week.

So for now I will stick with what I am good at, writing books, painting shit, and drinking cosmos. And riding motorcycles. But not at the same time. Drinking cosmos and riding, of course. Now drinking cosmos and writing? Hey it worked for Dr Thompson.

I had to post this as it is too funny. One of my customers wants a mural of Jesus riding an eagle. So PB says, "So you're fianlly gonna paint a picture of me? Did he know that Jesus has such a good body? Hottie Jesus?"

I am allowing myself a rare luxury this morning. I am allowing myself to feel at peace. To enjoy the morning rather than letting myself feel a sense of dread at each turn. The boys are sleeping and the house is quiet. It is so beautiful here. We are creating a peaceful home. Hard to believe I am part of this, so far anyway.

And that's all part of it, letting just sit back and enjoy what is around you. Sure it sounds easy enough, but we are so programmed to worry. Just watching tv to relax. The life insurance commercials, " hurry and but this as you're going to die any moment!!" Or the pill commercials. "Hey man take these, you're old! Life is nearly over for you. Get a few more years! "

Hell I was just 20 years old not too long ago. 40 seemed a million miles away. Now 40 is behind me.PB and his boy were up late playing games PB always wanted to be a rock star. He loves Guitar Hero cos it lets him play at it. It was fun watching him sit back and enjoy something. He's more self concious than he lets on.

I don't know, he wanted me to try it but I was too self conscious, not wanting to look like a dumbass in front of him. But then maybe I looked foolish by not doing it. Hell. We are quite the pair of idiots sometimes. he had mentioned to me that he wanted me to leave my extra camera at his house. Now Margorie had wanted to buy the camera a few months ago but I was thinking maybe I wanted to give it to PB. But I did not know. I didn't know how he felt about me and what if turned out to be an asshole user guy? I found out what an insecure, sweet man he is. So real. So I gave him the camera last night and he was saying it was too much. I felt foolish and turned away. He finally admitted that back when I had told him about Marge wanting the camera he had hoped I would give it to him. So I wanted to give it to him and he wanted me to, and NEITHER of us could admit to the other until last night.

As for J, he is still scaring me. I dread going home and finding that he did something horrible. He has this dramatic way of looking at things. Claiming I must have hated him. I never did, although there were times he was so mean I wanted to hate him. I also found out that he never wanted me with the kind of passion he had for Leslie. And that hurt most of all. I always suspected it but now I know I was right and it hurt. All those years and I was never good enough. Well not until now.

He wants us back together so much. But he killed it over the years and I cannot get it back. But it doesn't mean I don't love him.

I care so much for that man in the room behind me. That sweet beautiful creature that for now is mine. I asked night not to break my heart and he replied "Never." But we still can't say that word yet. The question is do we feel it?

Friday, December 5, 2008

Sitting here working on the book. A few more weeks and it will be done. And that will be great. I'll pay off my credit card debt and start life anew and that is a wonderful truth.But is truth always the best thing?I found out the truth about MA and it hurt. How awful and cruel she is. I can only hold onto all those years of friendship and know that they were good times for me. To toss them away would be too wasteful.I will be finding out some long wondered about truths this weekend. I had my reservations about it. About finding out that truth. Would it be the best thing for me?But with the way things are going, the hard truth behind the veil of what i actually have been seeing, I am finding out that sometimes, you have to take a shortcut through the bullshit or else you waste your life.I have so little life left to waste.I had a wonderful night with PB last night. Sometimes it feels like we are so close. It feels so good and safe in his arms. So secure when I am laying next to him. I brought over one of the lamps. I wanted him to see what treasures I have found in my life. The beauty. I wanted to share it with him and for myself to spend more time enjoying the objects I have discovered. For it to be at MA's, to be ignored, to gather dust, just another object that had her attention for a a few precious seconds before she found something else to occupy her mind. An object she thought would bring her happiness. He said it can stay on my nightstand. MY night table. I liked hearing that. I needed to hear it.So what if I find that truth is not what I had hoped. Will it change the way I feel and react? Will he notice the change in me?But what if the news is good? What if he was truthful with me? Then I can go on and get things done. I mean I'll still get things done no matter what. But decisions needed to be made very soon. The direction I will go.Bad or good, this truth may not change a thing. Maybe it is just information I need to have for my own peace of mind. Something to base a future decision on, if there are new factors.Truth is a funny thing.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I wasted so much time today bring angry. Angry with J cos he is still a fool. He still believes that line of shit that Eddie told him all those years ago. Some stratagy I had, hang in for 13 years, work my ass off, give up what I wanted so J would have what he wanted, pay his medical bills, put my hopes and dreams aside and take care of J through his accidents and illnesses. And then leave him high and dry? Yeah right. J always sided with Eddie. He still does and it makes me sick and angry.The second things that made me mad was MA. She wants the lamps back. 2 lamps that she gave me and the 4 I bought from her dad. What a nasty hateful bitch. She claims that she might just take a little trip up here.And now the sun is sinking into the western winter sky and I am tired. And a little sad. Tired and up.Not in the mood for nonsense.I don't like feeling this way.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Its Monday morning at PB's house. It was a good holiday with him. And I did sorta mess it up with my mood Froday night. Angie did not blame me. The whole "like" thing. But I have to ask myself, do I love him? I am so close to loving him. I look at his eyes, those sweet eyes and my heart gets tight.But then I have to wonder, are those eyes really that sweet? Does he feel thr same about me?

Sunday, November 30, 2008

It never quite got light today. It was rainy and cloudy, one of those days that never quite wakes all the way up. Its as if it stays dusk all day. I do have to say I love the view from PB's house. Its so Connecticut. The closest I could even find down here.Strange weekend with him. It was me not him. I got a little put back on Friday, or rather put off. Nothing he did. I just did not hear what I needed to hear. he tried in every other way.I think I am way too sensitive. From the start with him I have been on the negative side. Always focusing on what is not happening. he is a good man and right now and for the immediate future he is my man.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Why is it so hard to say those three little words? If someone had told me 6 months ago that I would meet a guy who would care for, about me, want to help me with my work, my business and completely change his life to fit with mine and he would be good looking enough to have his own calender, plus the added bonus of being great in the bed, I would have called them nuts.

And here it is 5 months later and I have that. But I also have the problem of J. I don't want to hurt him. We had another talk today. He doesn't blame me for what I did or how I feel. he holds nothing against me. he says he knows what i went through, how hard I tried to make him see. I'm scared he's going to hurt himself.

My friends and family say, "too bad," he had 13 years to have me and he never did and it took losing me completely to make him want me. I wish I could be so hard.

They are all nervous I will screw up things with PB. They all like him. I like him too. I more than like him.

last night we watched the Sex in the City movie and PB says I am Samantha. Maybe I am, but I am more a combo of Carrie and Sam. I love sex, but only with the right guy. And my heart and body belong to PB and him only. Samantha left Smith for herself. I would never do that. I said that to PB. he was happy I felt that way.

Even tho, he never says it, I think PB does not want to lose me. And even tho, I would sooner chew glass than tell PB those 3 words, I don't want to ever think of losing him. His soft fur on that rock hard chest, those incredible blue eyes that sparkle in the night. I'll never forget those eyes on that first date, in my truck, I knew it then. Knew I had never seen eyes like that and wanted those eyes to sparkle at me forever.

I have a beautful sweet caring man who I adore.

So why is it so hard? Why did after 13 years of not wanting me did J change?

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I am sad a little. J is being so sad about what has happened. He keeps saying how sorry he is and I should be happy he feels that way cos if he was angry it sure would suck more. He days he wishes he could turn back the clock or have a do over. But I do not feel the same as I did. Even without PB it would not be different.

Friday, November 21, 2008

If only Lindsay’s mother had not gone insane, she never would have ended up studying for her nursing exam at my house. And if she never had spent those ten days at my house, if Lindsay had not dared me to look at the online personals for hot local men, I never would have met him.And life would be very different. So you could say I have Lindsays’ insane mother, my former best friend to thank for meeting the man I always wanted. Or rather the kind of man I always wanted. Sweet, kind, affectionate, pacient, hard working, likes the same things I do, like cars, motorcycles, and lots of sex, and one of the most beautiful looking creatures on the planet earth.

Too bad he know just how hot he is. He only works a half day on Friday and right now he is out in the cold tearing apart lumber structures so he can take home the wood and build a shop for us.

And the dating after 40 part? Its scary. Its too easy to get scared off. Scared of being hurt. I'll never forhget the first time I saw him. Standing there in a whitetank top, jeans, hair flowing back, holding a small bouquet of gardenias. I thought, "Oh no." Look up 'Heartbreaker-Ladykiller- player in the Book of Men Types, and there is a picture of a guy who looks just like him. Go ahead and look. But then figured what the hell, give him a try.

That was 5 months ago. I'm glad I stuck it out. I always say how sweet he is. Barb said something very interesting, she said, "Sure he's sweet, sweet to you." And he is. The other night we were drifting off to sleep, cuddled up against each other and he whispers to me, "Sleep well you sweet girl." It was the way he said it. he says I am so sweet to him. I am. But only sweet to him. I did say something mean to him the other morning. I made a comment about his hairline receeding. I was only kidding but I guess it is true and it really bothers him. But sometimes I have to keep him a little bit on the ground. He can get a little too full of himself. But he is becoming more and more precious to me. Every night we fall asleep in each others arms, everytime he works late building a shop for us, each time he cuddles with me and watches tv, in short, each thing we do together. I have never had anyone like him in my life and it stirs me deeper than anything ever has. I know he has never has anyone like me in his life.

Ok I'll stop being so nausiating. In 3 hours I go to take my godsons out to dinner. 4 and 10 years old. I get to give them their Vegas gifts and spend time with them. My men.

PB and I went to the concert last night. It was a pretty amazing show. I wish I could sound more excited. We had a talk on the way to the show. I told PB that J wanted to move out and on. He wanted to know how I felt about it. So I told him.

PB was so funny and sweet. It still takes me by surprise. I used to wonder if it was an act. I don't think it is. I think it is just the way he is.

We just sorta snuggled last night and that was ok. Every morning I wake up there I braid his hair. After I finish I put my arms around him and he smiles that amazingly sweet smile of his.

But there are issues on my mind this morning. Personal things. I came back from Vegas nervous about my work. Everyone talking about things being slow. But now business is looking better, so I now can stop worrying about it for now. And I can put my full resources into worrying about my personal life.

One funny bit from last night, one of the guys singing on stage was very attractive and PB commented on it. I still think I had the hottest guy in that arena. The reality of being with the hottest guy I have ever seen.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

its another. Just when I try to settle in and get some kind of routine in my life, wham! Something else happens. I think I should just give up and write a cheezy romance novel and get it over with. My friends are always calling in for updates. Its like a twisted Sex In the City, only on motorcycles. Tonight I girl it up for a night out with PB. Wearing my winter designer dress.This afternoon, I was busily minding my own business, ironing my hair and the rogue wave hits.So I gobble down my new passion, an orange flavored Goody's Powder. Dang that shit works good. Better than Zanax.Ok, time for girl stuff, dress, makeup, tall shoes, and Chanel. Should bought some Coco in Vegas.

I learned that no matter how hard life has made me, I have a very soft side. I see that side coming out more and more due to the man in my life. He renews me more and more as time goes on.It shows in my artwork and in my writing. My editor is digging the new book so far. He says it is my best one yet.But it still scares me. My buddy Mike said it best, relationships are harder once you get older. You have the scars and the bad experiences and it is easier to give up and stay away. But so far I hang in. He is worth it...so far.Well back to the studio. back to the tools I have handled for so very long. Only they feel differently these days. Crazy days.

I started blogging a few years ago and then life got nuts. Or maybe I got nuts or was always there. I haven't had time to figure it out. I was too busy trying to keep the bills paid. Life and debts and traveling, Seattle, Colorado, Vegas,

Sturgis,

Daytona,

the Keys,

Tahiti,

Vegas... and all in name of art, literature and motorcycles. Wow, that does sound large. Maybe I have had a pretty good life. There have been good moments.

But along the way, my original blog got lost.

So here is a new one. The question is, how available I will make it. I mean I want to write things about my life, my views, things that happen, But I do not want my customers to think I am crazy. I mean, would you really want a crazy person to do your work? It would work well for my journalism career. Its ok to READ something a crazy person wrote. It worked so well for Hunter Thompson. But would you really want to PAY thousands of dollars to have a crazy person do artwork for you?

BTW, I really don't think I am crazy. I have met crazy people. People with guns, loose emotions, and agendas. All I want to do is pay my bills, ride my bikes, and lay next to my sweet boyfriend at night. A simple life.