Making a List. Checking it Twice. Gonna Find Out Whom I’d Like to Poison with Cyanide-Laced Egg Nog…

(That is the original title of the song, after all. Trust me. Before it was cleaned up and made all PC, that is.)

So as long as I’m on a holiday-themed rant…

Not that my previous post was necessarily a rant. But it did highlight some of the less-than-savory products that come out of the woodwork during the holiday season – from a leg-spreading Dora to deflated inflatables to a modern classic called “Extraordinary Chickens.”

Tastes like (extraordinary) chicken.

But there’s a whole other side of the holiday that inspires hostility in me. These are the annoying people who make me want to impale myself on an icicle or throw myself down a chimney. Whichever is more accessible.

And I realize, this is sensitive territory. It’s the oh-so-jolly, ho-ho holly Christmas season after all, with all its bullshit holiday yuletide cheeriness and what not.

Not that I’m bitter.

So I promise, the next post – an uncharacteristically feel-good holiday tale with a happy, inspirational message (and nary a “fuck,” “crap” or “holy shitballs” in sight) – will more than make up for my seemingly Scrooge-like stance in this postito.

Now, without further ado…

______________________________________________________

My Holiday Top-5 List of People I Want to Strangle with the Nearest String of Sparkling Holiday Lights:

1. Madonna and her illegitimate Santa Baby.

Every time I hear this song, I feel like beating an innocent neighbor-child’s snowman upside his stove-top-hatted head with a giant candy cane.

And the reason may go beyond the sheer annoyance of hearing Madonna breathily seduce her stupid-as-fuck “Santa Claus.”

I was on the dance team in high school. And we did a routine to this song. I wish I had proof of the routine – like a YouTube-quality video to post – but alas, these were the pre-phone-video-ability days. Or the Stone Age, as my children call it.

So instead, I simply offer proof that I was, indeed, on the dance team in high school. In all my awkward glory.

Where do we even begin, people? The bangs — the jazz hands — the braces — the sequins. So many punch lines...TOO MANY PUNCH LINES!

Yeah, that stupid Madonna song takes me right back to that stupid routine. And do you even realize how many stupid times I had to do the stupid splits (in a ripple — while holding a candy cane between my teeth) at the”Boo doo bee doo” part of these brilliant (and double-entendre-laden) lyrics:

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany’s
I really do believe in you
Let’s see if you believe in me
Boo doo bee doo

Now granted, I was a wee youngin in the early ’80s, when Elmo and Patsy’s “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” was the staple novelty song playing practically non-stop on every station (interrupted only by the dogs barking Jingle Bells and Alvin and the Chipmunks begging Christmas not to be late). So I may be more bitter than most.

But if none of us ever has to hear Bruce Springsteen killing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” or George Michael whining about “Last Christmas” or Mariah Carey pleading “All I Want for Christmas is You,” wouldn’t this be a happier world? Wouldn’t the 24/7 Christmas Carol stations be a tad more tolerable?

In the words of the inimitable Jose Feliciano: ¡Pienso que si! (I’m sure he said that somewhere in “Feliz Navidad,” right? Or perhaps I made that up. Because I wanted to show off my upside-down exclamation point and evident mastery of basic Spanish vocab. ¿Muy impresivo, si?)

3. Anyone who has anything to do with a Zales/Helzberg/Kay Jewelers/Rogers ad (including anyone falling for them).

As they say, diamonds are for whatever.

So really, this holiday season, it shouldn’t surprise us that we’re constantly abused by these crazy-making messages.

Here’s the premise of any of this ilk of holiday treat: If you have a penis, and if you are in a relationship, then you must buy your significant other a diamond. Or better yet: many diamonds. Or best-case scenario: A diamond to represent every second of every minute of every hour of every year of your relationship.

…you’ll justify your significant other’s use of the words “classless douchebag and his classless ass” within one or two (or 84) Facebook status updates.

Or — and here’s the worst of the worst: …you’re not getting laid this Christmas. Here’s 17 seconds worth of proof:

The clear implication: Someone got a pearl necklace this Christmas!

Just sayin’…

4. Anyone who has a “place” to wrap presents and/or an “organized” gift wrap “station.”

You people suck.

‘Nuff said.

5. The people who told my children that Santa isn’t real. Last year. When my daughter was 8.

Yeah, so it appears my kids spend lots o’ time –oh, let’s say, half their time — with certain people whose names are clearly on the naughty list. And these certain (naughty) people told my (wide-eyed, believing) kids last year that Santa is fake. And for “proof,” they should simply check the writing on the gift tags against my own.

Definitely: Co-parenting sucks when the other co-parents are more interested in their own agendas. But I can’t say that I regret anything about any of this, because my children are amazing and I’m simply blessed to have them in my life!

The wild-ass bangs instantly let me know we grew up about the same time and your admission to growing up in the 80’s listening to Grandma getting side-swiped by the fast man confirms it. Great times! I share your passion for the classic Christmas music. I almost heaved the wife’s copy of Mariah Carey out the window after the third time through it this past weekend. Decided, however, to wait until after Christmas to insure she doesn’t take it the wrong way and return some of my gifts out of spite.
Keep them posts coming. I look forward to what tomorrow might bring.

Yes, Scott — we hail from a time of mile-high hair, parachute pants and pegged legs. Oh, the memories…

And you’re a brave man: I think the idea of my other half even owning a copy of a Mariah Carey CD would be a deal-breaker if I were considering marriage again! Good decision to chuck it after Christmas, though — way to protect your interests! I just hope you maintain your sanity until then.

1. Endearingly (and yet extremely) awkward! 🙂
2. You nailed it with Bruce Springsteen’s “Santa Clause is coming to town.” I HATE THAT SONG SO MUCH!
3. Jewelry guilt trips are a product of Marilyns and all those like her. Sorry, that was just my first thought…
4. I don’t and have never had a gift wrapping station, but I volunteered at one in the mall back in high school for charity, and I have to admit it was mega-fun!

In 4th grade, at the age of 9, my teacher(TEACHER!!) told the whole class that Santa was not real and that SHE was her daughter’s Santa. I was DEVASTATED! My mom ended up calling the principal of the school and complaining. Still to this day cry about it….(not really with the crying, but it still sucks that it had to happen like that).

I do have to say, that picture is fantastic in allll of it’s 80’s glory.

Christmas music. blech. Unless it’s Christmas Eve/Day, I just don’t want any part of it.

I don’t know how to say this exactly, but what are you thinking by giving your significant other a book of chicken porn?

Killing Santa inadvertently happens when the “whatever toy” doesn’t work and Mom takes it, along with the receipt, to a big box store for an exchange instead of calling Santa. Something doesn’t quite seem right about that and a suspicion starts to grow.

It would indeed be a nice way to “spice things up.” That’s what I’m thinking about the chicken porn…

😉

Good point about the exchanges. I guess I can understand that children sometimes have their doubts: My issue is being a mother and not being consulted about when those doubts are 100 percent confirmed. Ugh.

In fact, that probably deserved a few more “fucks,” now that you mention it!

I’m with you on the jewelry commercials. If the only way to prove your love to your woman is by buying her jewelry then you need to find a new woman. I’m not opposed to buying my wife jewelry, but the implication that my love will only be proven by doing so is insulting.

I’m in total agreement with #1, and I agree with the spirit of #2. But…

What about some of the classic 50s and 60s Christmas songs, like Darlene Love’s “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”, the Ronettes “Frosty the Snowman”, or (and I realize I’m treading on thin ice) the Beach Boys’ “Little Saint Nick”?

And… and… what about Vince Guaraldi? I’d be sad if Vince Guaraldi was excluded.

Awww, the dance team photo made me smile with its youth and innocence. A picture of me at that age would have had a pack of Kools and a can of PBR in it…I have the proof if you want to see it. I’m sure your parents were very proud. Hands down, the most annoying holiday tune by a (semi) current artist is “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney. It’s just so sickenlingly sweet it is making my queezy just thinking about it. You really need to lean more toward the classic soul/R&B artists for great Christmas tunes…check out “Merry Christmas Baby” by Otis Redding and try to tell me it didn’t kick your holiday ass. I’ve done the jewelry thing at Christmas and got about the same reaction as I get from my mom when I give her just about anything…”Ohhhhhh, that’s nice…boy I need one of these!” I just visited a gift-wrap station at the mall yesterday because a friend of mine was working there, but I just made a donation (it was a charity thing). If I give anyone in my family a gift that’s nicely wrapped, they’ll doubt that it really came from me.

With you on the diamonds, of course. As the saying goes: “Nothing says ‘I love you’ like something clawed from the earth by African slave labor with its price inflated by the world’s tightest monopoly.” The wedding industry depends heavily on selling “traditions” like the diamond ring, heavily promoted by Hollywood, like cigarettes, in the early 20th century. It’s called “product placement”. Look it up.

Could we add to the list the people who have more Christmas crap that they display for a couple of weeks out of the year than my total volume of possessions?

Love it, kitchenmudge. So true. Plus there’s that bullshit statistic about the fact that a man should spend two to three times his monthly salary on an engagement ring?!?! Way to set up a marriage to be about true love and all that…

I know people like that, too — more Christmas stuff than I own stuff-stuff. My question is always: Where the hell does that stuff go when it’s not Christmas?

Diamonds are over rated!
I like your picture, shows future beauty that has arrived.
I don’t remember when Santa stopped being real, I adjusted well.
We just didn’t make a big deal with him with our kids and taught the real meaning of Christmas. That way hearts and minds aren’t crushed and there is an eternal belief.
I agree, Bruce was over the top. But I like Mariah’s version (of course she was singing to me!). I like the oldies too and sing along with Bing and others, cuz I can.

*Gasp!* You LIKE Mariah’s version?!?! I may have to excommunicate you from my readership for that one. (Not really…)

My kids are definitely aware of the real meaning of Christmas, but I’ve never been adverse to the idea of a pinch of magic as well. I know this seems out of character considering my jaded/bitter edge, but not when it comes to my kids!

1) Oh come on, the only one who really sees all that stuff is you… I just thought you made your costume look cute. 🙂

2) The most annoying (and equally catchy) Christmas song is Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses. It’s basically your Double Dutch version of a Christmas carol, and yeah I’m starting to sing along with it now. Double entendre: ♫♪ Santa cutie, there’s one thing I really do need, the deed. ♫♪ Huh?

3) A jewelry guilt trip is when you realize your bf/hubby couldn’t really afford that diamond necklace he bought you, so you guiltily return it for credit. It’s an imaginary event, like pulling an even number of socks out of the dryer, or men being right.

4) No gift-wrapping station, but I can admit whatever you want. No kids either (okay maybe there are some things I wouldn’t admit), but I can sure remember at age 6, sitting on Santa’s lap at a Christmas party, and hearing a girl’s voice ask, “Ho, ho ho. And would would you like for Christmas little girl?” Fucking. Traumatized. If you’ve seen Up, that line, “Kevin’s a girl?” just kills me now.

Thanks, Anne! It took every bit of courage to post that pic, but the sheer awkwardness of it seemed ideal for revealing something about my character. Plus, I think we can ALL relate based on some blackmail-worthy image from our childhoods!

You had me DYING at the image of the She-Santa. I can’t even imagine the trauma and future therapy issues there. And by the way, “Kevin’s a girl” is one of the absolute best parts of that entire movie…

Mikalee, OH MY!!! This is not my official comment. I’m coming back for that. I’m LMHO about the title and haven’t even read your post. My puppy is looking at me wondering why I’m laughing when no one is in the room except him. More to follow!!! 🙂

Okay, now. Here’s my official comment:
1) LOVE the jazz hands – so subtle, and the braces just make it even more “precious”
2) Love that you’re a Christmas music purist! Me too. And if you’ve seen the Mariah Carey Jenny Craig commercials, you’ll be even sicker! Check out this link: http://ideas.time.com/2011/12/16/mariah-carey-fatigue-why-is-there-no-new-christmas-music/
3) Please tell my wife about the jewelry guilt trip!! No, she’s not too bad. I did hear on the radio that men spend 50% more on gifts for women than vice versa – interesting!

You are TOO funny Mikalee – rest with the peace and knowledge, and cheer, that you will always be the first blog, and funniest blog I’ve read!! 🙂

Great link — interesting story, but I think the writer is missing the point: We don’t WANT new Christmas music. Because new Christmas music is annoying. Or am I alone here?

I mean, when that stupid Christmas Shoes song comes on the radio (which the writer called “execrable,” which just made my list of favorite words EVER) I almost keel over from sheer sugar saturation. And it seems that’s the only way a song-writer can approach a Christmas song…well, that and slut (Madonna, Mariah, etc.)

And of course men spend more than women on holiday shopping: How else would we know they love us?

As one of your dance team members – the Santa Baby routine was fun, although I would have to hurt you if you did happen to have a You Tube video to post. 😉 Thanks for the memories and the laugh! I truly needed it.

#2: You are so very right about Mariah Carey.
#3: The perfume/cologne commercials are way worse IMO. I don’t want to be groped by a random stranger just because I smell good, much less chased through a train station!

Agreed: Because he does it in a “classic” style. I mean, the guy practically channels Frank Sinatra, right? But I did just hear from a friend that he did a creepy version of Santa Baby. I’ll have to check that out.

The other modern artist who can handle the classics: Harry Connick, Jr. Love love LOVE him. Just not as an actor…

I’ll give ya Burl, but if I included people with the first name of Elvis in my list, that would have to include Elvis Costello. And I don’t want him belting out Oh Holy Night.

And regarding whether “nothing is sacred”: ask your friend, Mr. THE BOSS, that same question. The guy ruined one of my favorite childhood classics with his stupid calling out to the reindeer with his stupid gravelly voice.

It seems like, for most musicians, recording a holiday album is a quick way to make bucco bucks. So every Tom, Dick and Harry wants to get into the act. But give me Frank, Andy, Ella and Tony any day. How about the Andrew Sisters. Have you heard their album. It was used in the film, Christmas Story and features Bing and Danny Kaye. One of my favorites.

And I agree about the cashing-in aspect of the Christmas songs — it’s just like wedding songs. I’ve always thought that if I were a professional singer (which I guarantee will never happen), I would record a father-daughter dance song. There aren’t that many that are TARGETED to that audience, yet about 60 percent of the world’s population gets married. So what if 50 percent of us also get divorced — by then, you’ve already cashed your royalty check!

…only worse than each individually would be if Mariah and Bruce teamed up to assault our ears this Christmas. Actually, given my relationship with The Universe these days, I shouldn’t even SUGGEST that…

First of all you looked great in your dance outfit. I hate the song Feliz Navidad what does that even mean? It means happy christmas, so he spends 3 minutes saying happy Christmas and Merry Christmas. Second, the whole diamond thing is a joke. You spend a fortune on a diamond and then you try to sell it and all you get is $100 because they tell you it is not worth nothing, just the gold band is all that is worth anything. If you want a diamond, go to a pawn shop because they pay nothing for them. You can bargain with them.

Oh, Connie — that picture is horrible. But so much fun to relive those memories!

Feliz Navidad is a funny song. It really is one of the only novelty-ish songs I can stomach … but you’re right, it is a bit repetitive. Which may be why I can only hear it once a season before it gets old!

OK, maybe it wasn’t you, but one of the 5.6 million other awkward teenage girls in the mid 80’s with braces, bangs, and enough hairspray to burn a mile wide hole in the ozone layer.

Which reminds me, the only use I have ever found for Facebook is finding all those girls that I say behind in Geometry class, longing to lick their knee sock covered legs, and seeing what beautiful middle age women they turned into.

Hmm… let’s see. I wouldn’t exactly call it a wrapping station… more accurately it’s a warehouse shipping station where, if no one catches me, I can wrap my gifts on company time using their supplies. (Naughty? Yes. But there’s no pet hair in my scotch tape!)
I’m especially partial to that new ad where the silly young woman is startled by the thunderstorm and her big, manly, probably physically abusive boyfriend rushes in to protect her saying something creepy like “I’m right here… and I always will be.”

Oh Sally, I almost, almost posted a link to that very commercial. But seeing how it wasn’t holiday-themed, it just didn’t make the cut. But that’s BY FAR the worst commercial I’ve ever seen. It’s so creepy — almost Cape Fear-esque. I expect him to pull a machete from behind him instead of that stupid necklace!

And you know what: Your warehouse shipping station sounds like the perfect place. No judgment here, naughty girl.

1. your photo really isn’t that bad, you pick faults which i’m sure you search for that i can’t see.
2.I haven’t even heard it but i’m gonna say Justin Bieber has the worst cuz, well…anything that comes out of his mouth sounds whiney and as though he sucked up too much helium at his schools latest dance.
3. i have the floor in my bed room and that seems to give me enough space but considering i live in a shared house that is essentially my house
4. my brother stole xmas from me telling me he had met santa and so had i…btw its dad!! evil..
5. my best friend is not even sure about bringing her child up with santa as she is not so sure about essentially lying to him but is happy to read the hare and the tortoise…really talking animals that race to a tree aren’t lying but santa is???

Sounds like your brother was being a typical brother (I have one of those, too). And I’m glad you have a large enough bedroom floor for the wrapping. I always manage to make both of my feet fall asleep while I’m all pretzeled up on my floor. The numb stage is the worst.

None of the above. Your ranting triggered me to open iTunes, type in Christmas and let Elvis sing his Christmas songs to me while I read your post which made me laugh out loud several times. Thank you for that!
Xarah, blogging at Empower Network

LMDBO–Laughing my dumb butt off. I was kinda wishing I could have retracted that part of that comment. There might have been an excess amount of wine involved. I actually found some wine, WITH a cork, for 3 bucks a bottle in the grocery store, which was okay. Price very okay, wine decent, though I’m not a connoisseur. Pretty sure I didn’t even get the title right (of the undeserving song, that is–the wine was Cutler Creek or something). Well, it wasn’t a box of wine, anyway. I was actually impressed that I had a corkscrew.

I had to look up the spelling of connoisseur, by the way. Since I’m all about confessing to mistakes. Happy Holidays and 2012 to you also!

Aww Mikalee I feel so bad for you! They never should have told your kids Santa wasn’t real! They should notice the handwriting thing on their own. 🙂 I had to! I also realized that both Santa and the Easter Bunny apparently smoked, because they left ashes behind. Now, that doesn’t make good sense. The Easter Bunny would NEVER smoke. Because it’s bad for your teeth. Wait, Mom and Dad smoke. Hmm…..
🙂

I know, right? This is definitely something that should reveal itself on its own. I don’t recall EVER having a conversation with my own parents about Santa — I just came to slowly realize the truth behind it, and continued to shut the fuck up so that I would not jeopardize my own placement on the “nice” list! 😉

here’s the perspective that you don’t have, through no fault of your own of course. when bruce released that song back in the mid 70’s, there were no real rock n roll xmas songs. there were no 24/7 xmas stations. you didn’t have those same songs playing over and over and over. if i hear karen carpenter one more time i’m going to … nevermind.

so back in the 70’s you waited all week and hoped to hear the song maybe twice. then we were able to put a tape in and record it, but you had to sit around the radio for five hours to wait for it. for many people like me (which means late 40’s and counting) it’s a special song that reaches back to your teen years and makes you feel young again.

if you think of some of the music you listened to during those days of parachute pants and big hair, then you likely know what i’m talking about.

This is a valid point — I absolutely remember the days with my tiny pink Sony “boom box” with the pastel buttons on top, desperately trying to catch the first few notes of a Jets song when it came on the air. So yeah, point definitely taken.

Thanks for the perspective — though it doesn’t prevent me from wanting to yank my car stereo from my car the second Bruce starts up again… 😉