A Month of Me

Who am I in this new mental state? I really don’t know! I had my last ECT a month ago, a Month Ago! My mood is stable; my thoughts about death and suicide are not. They continue to come and go, intense sometimes, fleeting at others. I deal with them with some ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ) coping skills my therapist has me using. Sometimes those work to bring down my anxiety and miserableness. And sometimes not so much. He likes that I report back on how much skills work or not. I just want the thoughts to stop! But they don’t.

Along with a mood that is in the middle – neither depressed nor manic – I have energy to get out of bed in the morning, and energy for each day. I’ve even somehow managed to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop, that I’ll end up in a suicidal depression again and end up in the hospital. I have optimism and hope for the future and hope that I can accomplish a goal set in the future. In a week I’m doing a training to be a facilitator for NAMI Connection support groups. Starting next week I will be the short-term facilitator of a small group I’m in. In May I’m going to walk in the NAMIWalks 5K, which means training and fundraising for the next 3 months. AND I applied to the community college near me to take a bunch of science classes I never got to take during my college years. The first class starts in June, and there are several things to do before then.

Besides these plans I’ve made, I’m also currently on vacation in Chicago and its polar vortex, visiting friends and my old stomping grounds. My mood has remained calm despite a change in my return flight, cancelled plans and the weird memories. Yup, weird memories. I lost most of the geography of this area in the ECT, but it started coming back after seeing the routes I used to take. Places I used to go don’t have very many personal memories. And where I live now has very few personal memories as well. I’m almost only living in the moment, like a cat. (Yay! A cat!)

What have I discovered about myself in this month of… competency, flexibility, stability? First, I’m learning to trust myself to hold a steady mood, despite thoughts that scare and annoy and aggravate. Second, I now know that part of the reason I’m doing better is because I have housemates. I know I can’t live alone. Where I will live or move is up in the air, but many wise people have advised that I spend some time adjusting to this new phase before making big changes. Third, I’m recognizing the traits and values that make me, me. Compassion, justice, volunteerism, friendship, for a start.

I hope, hope, hope that I stay stable. I’m a little scared thoughts will take over. I want to take this time to get to know myself as a stable person – limits, weaknesses, strengths. I haven’t felt this good – ever! I’ve been in a mood state, untreated. Now? I have possibilities!