Mike Trout (above) has had a sodium content of 12,000 mg through 65 games. Can he keep it up to win the Eastern Conference MVP?

Well, another regular season has come and gone in the National Fry League. This season has brought us tons of memorable moments and heartbreaking finishes.

Let’s review each franchise and how they’ve done so far this season in what is the last power ranking post of the regular season!

10.

In-n-Out —

Record: 0-38

Week 13 Ranking: F—ing Pathetic.

Dead last in the league for a fifth straight season, In-n-Out fries are last in virtually every statistical category as well: texture, taste, crunchiness, flavor, etc.

Obviously, GM Lynsi Snyder is on the hot seat yet again as she’ll need to work some magic at the trade deadline to find a new seasoning and a more commonly spelled first name.

The holes in the roster are numerous, but perhaps the most glaring thing is the fact that you’re expected to get them animal style or “well done” off a secret menu in order for them to be edible.

If it’s a known fact that there is a secret menu, then it’s not very secret now, is it? Also, “well done” fries? What? Are they undercooked normally? Why don’t you just make them good in the first place?

9.

Braums

Record: 9-18

Week 13 Ranking: Poop.

Braum’s has been slowly declining for over a decade, yet it’s still hard to believe how far this once proud franchise has fallen.

The fries are limp and flavorless, much like their advertising which hasn’t been updated since 1994. Drew Braum is in real danger of losing his job this season if he isn’t able to right the ship.

Among the problems with taste, another deadly flaw is the minuscule amount you’re given. When I go to a fast-food restaurant that also serves ice cream, I already threw ideas about health out the window. Give me a pallet full so I can go ahead and get hypertension already.

Pictured: Braum’s French Fries, evidently photographed in the mid-70s.

8.

Wendy’s —

Record: 40-Love

Week 13 Ranking: Weiners.

Wendy’s has been able to stay relevant in recent seasons due largely to their frozen chocolate water known as a “Frosty” and because they, a fast-food restaurant, serve baked potatoes and the public just kind of accepts it at this point for some reason.

The fries have been a thorn in the side of this franchise for a while. Efforts to diversify the roster by switching to “natural cut” and “sea salt” only managed to move the franchise laterally at best.

The fries are mostly limp and lack needed texture and crunchiness that the league is quickly switching to more and more every passing season. The days where fries post up in the paint is over. Wendy’s needs to recognize that or else they’ll tread water forever.

7.

Sonic

Record: 5-9

Week 13 Ranking: Nope.

Sonic has moved up this week due to the strong showing of their minor-league prospect, Tater Tots, which they received in a trade with White Castle in 2015. Tater Tots has an average CRISP of 13 per/100, which would place him in the top 5 in the league. White Castle GMs Harold and Kumar are undoubtedly kicking themselves for that one-sided transaction, trading Tots for Hollywood irrelevancy.

The question remains, however, if the recently collapse of their “Two Guys” ad campaign. After a breakout season in 2004, the Two Guys campaign has floundered in recent years, becoming less funny and even succumbing to commercials that feature medium-level relevant NBA player, Zach Lavine.

If his caption reads, “Two-Time Dunk Contest Winner,” then you need to find someone else.

6.

Long John Silver’s —

Record: 15-13-3

Week 13 Ranking: Meh.

Long John Silver’s isn’t a place you would think of at first when the words “french fries” are mentioned. It also isn’t a place you would think of when the words “logarithmic smack papa” are mentioned, either. And for good reason.

I honestly forget Long John Silver’s even has fries. I usually just indigestion and instant diarrhea whenever I think about their deep-fried, oily fish patties.

They’ve meandered in the league for the entirety of their existence, the only notable part of their history being their playoffs series against Captain D’s in the mid 80s. (their hushpuppies are okay too, but they’re not fries)

Not good, not bad. Just kinda “meh.” The Minnesota Vikings of french fries.

THE PLAYOFF CONTENDERS

5.

Chick-fil-A

Record: 8-5

Week 13 Ranking: *encouraging nod*

Chick-fil-A has had a surge of success in recent years. Back-to-back appearances in the Eastern Conference Finals on top of great sales. Their young reliever, Chicken Sandwich, has all the makings of a future hall-of-famer.

Dan and “Bubba” Cathy have done a great job accelerating the success of the franchise. (probably mostly dan, “Bubba” kinda seems like the Jeb Bush in this situation. Dan of course being George if George was actually good at his job)

The gay marriage controversy threatened to derail the momentum a few years ago, but Chick-fil-A weathered the storm once it realized people had no problem forsaking their prior beliefs for delicious food.

Chick-fil-A touts peanut oil as a great reason why there’s so much success in the french fry clubhouse. I have no idea if it’s true, but peanut oil sounds fancy, so I’m willing to believe it. The only potential hole in the roster is the fact that Chick-fil-A’s drive-thru lines are longer than Elle Fanning’s neck.

Also, Chick-fil-A is weirdly protective of their of titular “Chick-fil-A Sauce”, only handing out one packet at a time unless expressly stated. I know these are mass produced in a factory somewhere, guys. It’s okay, you can give me more.

How many skinny people can you spot in this photo? I counted 5.

4.

Arbys

Record: 63-19

Week 13 Ranking: *even more encouraging nod*

Okay, I can’t even be facetious here. Arby’s has what might be the most annoying commercial campaign for a fast food joint I’ve ever seen. I hate it. In fact, I hate it so much it makes me want to punch small children in the throat.

I often use this phrase as a pickup line at bars and it’s worked exactly negative 3 times.

You know what I don’t hate, though? Their fries. They’re good.

Arby’s is notable for having two different kind of fries. Like any sane person, (if you ignore the sentence about punching small children) I get their curly fries. They’re seasoned well and have a great amount of crunch.

Their Arby’s Sauce is criminally underrated, too. (Yes, I know it’s basically just barbecue sauce, but why don’t you get off my effing back, Karen?) It’s been robbed of a starting spot in the Eastern Conference All-Star game for three consecutive years, but will hopefully get its chance this year.

And uh…yeah. That’s about it. I don’t really care about anything else they have. They apparently serve gyros now for some reason. Yaaaaaay?

3.

McDonald’s

Record: 90-67

Week 13 Ranking: Hall of Fame Worthy

The Yankees of fast food.

For this section, I’m going to just post Gaffigan’s bit about McDonald’s from his comedy special “Mr. Universe.”

Jim Gaffigan also has a great bit about Hot Pockets that lasts about 45 minutes too long. Just kidding, I love Jim Gaffigan. I’m just jealous that he’s cornered the market on the whole “fat-white-guy-that-loves-food” schtick. That’s my thing and it’s the only interesting thing about my personality. It’s gone now…

I kinda forgot that I was doing a sort of sports thing for this blog post, so the next paragraph is going to take care of that:

“The McDonald’s GM, who I assume is either some hive mind or a robot of some sort, has done a great job of keeping it’s fries as the workhorse that will consistently play well in the regular season.”

There. We’re back on track. Sports!

2.

Del Taco

Record: 82-0

Week 13 Ranking: Manna From Heaven

A bit of a curveball here, but Del Taco has great crinkle cut fries. Everything Braum’s gets wrong about crinkle cut, Del Taco gets right in my opinion.

People have told me Del Taco and Shake Shack are basically identical in taste/consistency, so Shake Shack could hypothetically take the number two spot as well. However, I’ve never had Shake Shack before and I don’t want to take a mortgage out on my house to pay for it either.

Del Taco’s entré items are decent enough, but their fries are the real star here. Drafted in 2007, Crinkle Cut has been a terror for opposing defensive during his entire tenure in the league.

Also, it helps that you can make an impromptu California Burrito by combining some fries with a burrito. You know, to help you gain weight as fast as humanly possible.

An another note, all the Del Tacos I’ve been to in California seemed like awesome places to get stabbed and/or buy drugs. So that’s a plus.

Five Guys —

Record: 162-0

Week 13 Ranking: I Want You to Have My Babies

Maybe a controversial pick, but Five Guys’ fries takes the top spot in the post season power rankings.

It has its fair share of criticisms. People have called Five Guys’ fries greasy, sloppy, and limp. Which is exactly how I would describe my disgusting physique, so it’s fine in my book.

Five Guys has no shame in the fact that its fries are greasy and unhealthy. But, that’s the reason why I’m going to Five Guys in the first place! I want to be unhealthy!

The fries are about as natural as you can get from a fast food place and the fact that you get about 3 tons in a bag is what helps put them over the top.

Just like God Himself intended.

Five Guys is also notable for having large pallets of peanuts just kinda of laying around near the front counter. You can get containers full and just throw the shells on the ground like some sort of animal.

On a related note, I like to get a lot of peanuts at Five Guys and have the employees lay out newspapers at my feet and pretend I’m a cockatoo. Then, I go around screaming at other customers and bite at their fingers. On another related note, I’ve been banned from every Five Guys restaurant I’ve even been to.

Disagree with my list or have any suggestions? Write me hateful comments below!

Originally sung by the Trapp Family Singers in 1955 (bet you didn’t know that, did you?) However, here it’s sung by the guy that’s always a little too physically friendly with your crush and the 6th graders that hang outside the movie theater.

8. “Higher”

Originally by Creed but this time it’s sung by the youth group from First Baptist Church Owasso and your uncle John after he’s had a few too many.

7. “Thrift Shop”

Originally by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis but it’s covered here by the pre-teen cast of the newest awful Nickelodeon show.

6. “Float On”

Originally by Modest Mouse but here it’s covered by kids waiting in line for the Dumbo ride at Disney World and the lead singer of Bowling for Soup.

The normal reaction to KIDZ BOP music.

5. “Lips of an Angel”

Originally by Hinder but covered by Mrs. Simmons’ 7th grade English class and the guy that drives the forklift at Home Depot.

4. “Party Like a Rockstar”

Originally by Shop Boyz but covered by the Norman Youth Soccer Team and DeAngelo after KIDZ BOP paid him 45 dollars to say “Y-y-y-yeeeeaaaaah!”

“Totally dude!”

3. “I’m Real”

Originally by Jennifer Lopez and Ja Rule but this time its sung by Amy, the teller at your local Bank of America, and by a really cool cartoon grizzly bear.

2. “All Star”

Originally by Smash Mouth but covered here by the kids that have the lemonade stand on McKinley Street and what I imagine Steve Zahn would sound like if he sang.

Steve “Kickflip to Indy” Zahn

1. “Bring Me to Life”

Originally by Evanescence but here it’s sung by Amy the bank teller again and a guy that probably has a tribal band tattoo on his bicep. Oh, and some kids too.

Being in a large group of people that you’ve never met before can be intimidating. Trust me, I know what it’s like.

You walk through the door and everybody immediately begins looking at you. The weight of their gaze falls upon your shoulders. Beads of sweat begin forming on your brow as you desperately try to think of what to say when you introduce yourself. You take a few steps forward and clear your throat as you stretch out your hand. “Hi, I’m Jake!” you say. Then she replies, “Welcome to Wendy’s. What can I get you?”

Awk. Ward.

Small Groups, Community Groups, or as the kids call them these days, “Christ Franchises” can be just as scary. One of the best ways to ease this tension is to play a group game that makes everyone mad and/or annoyed with one another.

“Christ Franchises are off the heezy-buhjeezy, yo!” – Kids

One of the most important things I’ve learned being a part of my own church group is that, the best way to get to know someone isn’t to talk to them and get to know them on a personal level, but to actually play an overly-long game that most people want to quit about 5 minutes in.

This also allows you to add to your “Acquaintance List”, those people that you kind of know but actually really don’t know at all. Because, at the end of the day, isn’t that what community is all about?

Below are 5 fun games that are perfect for breaking the ice!

1. Slappies

Blur may vary.

Materials Needed:

Hands

A Face

Being Alive

This is a great, easy introductory game for those new to the group. The rules are simple. Pair everybody into groups of two.

If there is someone not in a group or there is an odd number of people, those that are left are not worthy and are what we call in the Church as “Undesirables”. They are to be banished from the group for all eternity.

Next, everybody simply slaps each other as hard as they can until someone either:

Passes out.

Gives up*

*those who give up are weak and are not to be trusted in the Church. They are to be banished from the group for all eternity

Great form.

Like I said, this is a great warm-up game and shows people what it’s like to live in fellowship together.

2. Wayne Brady: The Game

The greatest talent of our generation.

This one is great for larger groups, however, there are a lot of things involved so you need to pay attention.

Materials Needed:

Pens

Paper

More Pens

A Broken and Contrite Spirit

Still More Pens

Below is a quick breakdown of all that is involved in Wayne Brady: The Game.

Everybody gets in a circle and selects one person to stand in the middle. This person is referred to as “The Wayne.”

One person is tasked with the position of “Mediator.” Their job is to select a book from the Bible (the more obscure, the better. King James Version is recommended) and ask “The Wayne” to quote, word for word, a verse from whatever book they choose. If “The Wayne” fails to do so, he or she is to get down on all fours as the entire group dog piles onto their back.

The game in action.

As the dog pile commences, the chorus from Quad City DJ’s hit song “C’mon N’ Ride It (The Train)” is playing, except the word “train” is replaced with “Wayne.”

This game actually has nothing to do with Wayne Brady, but sometimes in the Church you just need to do what you’re told and not ask questions.

3. Child Toss sponsored by Allstate®

Child Toss sponsored by Allstate® is sponsored by Allstate®. I cannot stress that enough, they will sue me if I don’t.

Materials Needed:

Child

Flaargenschtamp

A blanket

More Pens Again

Child Toss sponsored by Allstate® is a game steeped in history. In fact, it’s been speculated that the game was first invented by the Egyptians! Wow!

The Egyptians were pros.

The game is simple. The goal of Child Toss sponsored by Allstate® is to toss the child into the air as high as possible. Points are measured by both the weight of the child and the height reached.

First you need to find a child. The smaller the better. Although heavy children can land you more points.

Take this one for example:

This one right here looks tossable.

From first glance, this child looks about 16 or 17 stones. Now, “What are stones?” you ask? Well, allow me to explain.

For the sake of tradition, stones are the standard of weight used in Child Toss sponsored by Allstate®. Stones were first introduced by the Prussians in 1631 after they lost by a controversial call in the Capital One® Orange Bowl to Virginia Tech.

Below is a quick breakdown of stones and their relation to points:

Sponsored by Allstate®

You toss the child by placing them gently in a large, sturdy blanket or sheet then tossing them into the air

This one should do the trick.

The height is measured by the world-famous Flaargenschtamp. The Flaargenschtamp was first used by the Iroquois League. The name actually came into being from a translation error.

The Flaargenschtamp. This is actually also sponsored by Allstate®.

German immigrants that contacted the Iroquois on their first conquest of America incorrectly translated the word “Floganohowaeha”, a Mohawk word that means flaargenschtamp.

Once you and your friends start tossing children around, it’ll be hard to quit! This is a game you should definitely try during your next small group!

4. Pretending to be a Burrito

A little too heavy on the sour cream for my taste, but that’s just me.

This one is a great 4-player game. So if your church group only has about 4 people, you should probably start asking more people to come to your church group.

Materials Needed

Blanket/Sleeping Bag/Large Rug

Chips

Queso

Bean Dip

Pens sponsored by Bic®

It’s no secret that the popularity of burritos are on the rise. Ever since they were introduced at the 1996 Olympic Games in Atlanta, they’ve experienced a surge in popularity ever since.

Take a look at this graph:

As you can see, Series 1 burritos (shown in blue) have risen to about 43 percent. Whereas Series 1 Not Burritos have only risen to about 22 percent. I think I can safely say that illustrates my point perfectly here.

You begin the game by laying the blanket/sleeping bag/rug on the ground and having someone lay down in the middle of it.

I personally always like picking the person I like the least in the group to be in the middle. That usually means that everybody in the group lays in the middle.

Next you simply put the ingredients of your choice on the person in the middle and begin rolling them up! Here’s my go-to ingredient list:

Shredded Cheddar Cheese

White Queso

Guacamole

African American Queso

Spanish Rice

Tomatoes

I like my burritos simple.

Here’s roughly what the end product should look like:

What a blast.

Once the stains begin seeping into the blanket, you have a great opportunity to hang it on the wall to remember all the fun times that were just had! You might as well since those stains are probably never coming out.

Welp, there you have it! 4 fun games you can try at your next church small group! Check in to see updates on this topic. Maybe I’ll post 4 more games in the future!

Your twenties are an exciting, albeit nerve-wracking and stressful time. Whether it’s school, work, or a budding relationship, it can become alluring and easy to shell out large sums of your hard earned cash. Keep your future financially secure by avoiding these 5 easy to make money mistakes.

1. Withdrawing your savings and trying to buy Haiti.

We’ve all been there. You just got your first “grown-up” job and now you have more money than you know what to do with. So, you ask yourself, what do I do with all of this? Unfortunately for an increasingly large amount of millennials, the allure to try and buy the Caribbean nation is strong.

I was able to sit down with Christina Diaz, a waitress here at the Norman Red Robin, and she was able to provide some context to this situation:

Hi, my name is Christina and I’ll be taking care of you today! Can I start you off with something to drink? Some tea? Water? A Freckled Lemonade?

It is a statistical fact that Gambit is the coolest member of the X-Men. If you don’t believe me, look at this study conducted by the University of Toledo:

Adding to the fact that Gambit is a total boss in the video game Marvel vs. Capcom, it is easy to see why so many young people these days try to emulate him. However, as cool as Gambit is, there are pitfalls that can arise when one tries to do this. There has been an increase in the reports of young people running around yelling “CREDIT CARD!” and throwing their credit cards at strangers on the street. There are two major reasons why this is a problem:

1. Sometimes people don’t like having credit cards thrown at them.

2. If you listen closely in Marvel vs. Capcom, Gambit actually says, “KINETIC CARD!” and not “CREDIT CARD!” This is due to Gambit’s ability to create, manipulate, and control kinetic energy.

This misunderstanding is becoming increasingly common and it is a dangerous one.

3. Putting money in a blender and drinking it.

The pressure to look good has always been present in American society. Yet, through the power of popular culture and the media, that pressure is stronger than ever. Some young people have responded to the societal burden of looking thin by taking the seemingly logical step of blending and consuming their money.

While this may seem like a good idea on the surface, digging deeper into this activity reveals that blending your money and drinking it isn’t a smart move.

A recent study performed by the University of Phoenix revealed that blending dollar bills can be hazardous to your blender’s health. The fibers in the dollar bills can quickly cause wear and tear on the blades, making it less effective and ultimately costing you money.

The solution? Fill up your kitchen sink and let the dollar bills soak for about 30 minutes. Then, using your hands, tenderize the bills into a nice, mushy pulp.

What the end product should roughly look like.

This saves you money and hand-tenerizing your bills releases enzymes that makes it taste great!

Yum!

4. Funding a militia to storm the Kohl’s at the local strip mall.

There is perhaps nothing more American than hating the department store Kohl’s. It’s a tradition as old as America itself. Sitting at home, having the vein on your forehead bulge out in anger while thinking about them greedily hoarding all of those really cool jeans and backpacks is something we’ve all done at least once in our lives.

The face of tyranny.

The temptation to declare war and arm the men of the village with muskets is a normal and ever-present one. However, I must caution against this. Why? Because the price of muskets has risen dramatically in the past few years. See the chart below:

As you can see, the price of Charleville muskets (the best kind of musket) has increased heavily in recent years. In fact, it’s risen so much that the price is hovering slightly over 6!

6 is a big number. It is bigger than 2. Because of this, I must advise against someone trying to overthrow Kohl’s.

5. Building a rocket and going on a solo mission to find out where the Universe ends.

If there is one thing that the 1995 film “Apollo 13” succeeded in, it was ingraining into the collective American psyche that space can be really cool and fun. The fictional account of Jonathan Lerman (played by Tom Hanks) and his robot companion Kooby (voiced by Tobey Maguire) landing on a comet and getting into shenanigans across the galaxy captured our hearts and resonates with us even today.

It’s only natural to want to replicate what you saw on the silver screen. However, let us remember that Apollo 13 is, in fact, a movie. The Apollo 13 mission is completely fictional and didn’t actually happen. No human has ever been to space.

Add to the fact that recent studies have determined that the Universe is actually really big, building a rocket to go see where space and time ends might not be the best bang for your buck.

I was able to sit down with renowned astrophysicist and NBA superstar Kevin Durant to get his take on the matter:

By simply avoiding these easy to make money pitfalls, you can ensure that your future is financially secure heading into your next decade!

“My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months. It’s a great, healthy relationship and I love him very much. However, he wants us to start a sort of bible study/discipleship group together with just the two of us and I’m not sure how I feel about that. It just seems kind of early and a little rushed. What are your thoughts?”

From Amanda

Dear Amanda,

I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about. However, I follow NBA superstar Kevin Durant on Twitter and here’s what he said about that particular topic recently:

I hope his wise counsel gives you the answer you’re looking for.

Dear Jake,

“I have a crush on this girl from my college group at church. I want to pursue her and ask her out on a date but I don’t want to potentially risk our friendship and make it awkward if she doesn’t feel the same way I do. What should I do?”

From Tim

Dear Tim,

I believe you should step out in boldness ask her out if you have these feelings for her. However, I think you should be careful about how you approach that. I always use a 5 step process for when I ask a girl out on a date.

“I went on a date with a friend from church recently and had a really good time but I still only see him as a friend. He’s made it known to me that he wants to take me out again but I don’t want to hurt his feelings when I tell him no. What do I do?

From Mandy

Dear Mandy,

Fake your own death.

Dear Jake,

I believe that I have come out of a season of singleness and that I am ready to start dating. But there are a few girls that I kinda have feelings for. Should I wait to see which one is the right one, or should I try to pursue each one and gauge interest that way?

From Oscar

Dear Oscar,

I too have been in the same situation that you are currently in. My advice is that you don’t necessarily pursue any of these girls in a dating sense right now. Try to spend time with them in a group setting or even ask them to get a friendly cup of coffee with you sometime. Just be sure to make the distinction that getting coffee is, in fact, not a date. Those things are great ways to gauge potential interest from the girl and to determine if you should pursue her further. I think NBA Superstar Kevin Durant put it best when he tweeted this:

Glad I could help!

If you have any questions or hate mail you want to send me, email me at arentjake@yahoo.com.

As Christians, we are called to be witnesses to the world. Matthew 5:16 says, “In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” There are probably other verses about that in the Bible somewhere, but I don’t know how Google works and I only read my Bible when people can see me doing it.

Unfortunately, sometimes we don’t honor and represent who Christ is by our words. Whether we intend to or not, we can sometimes say things that are hurtful, hateful, deceitful, or some other adjective that ends in “ful.”

The goal of this article is to scare you into saying the correct things at all times and to make you feel like you’re walking on eggshells when you’re around non-believers. This should absolutely terrify you. The entire fate of Christianity rests on your shoulders. If you’re losing sleep over this, then you’re doing a good job. Always remember the world-famous quote by Robert Redford,

“If you walk away from a conversation with a non-believer and they aren’t converted, then you failed and you’re going to Heck now.”

To prevent this from happening, here is a comprehensive list of 12 things you need to stop saying if you’re a Christian.

1. “I’m glad I’m a St. Louis Rams fan.”

No you’re not. Why would you spread this lie?

2. “Let’s go to Carl’s Jr. for lunch.”

Blasphemy. Absolute blasphemy.

3. “We need more police drama shows on television.”

Stop staining His name with that talk.

4. “Pugs look completely normal.”

Shameful.

5. “Robbing a bank kinda sounds like fun.”

This could potentially be seen as a negative thing.

6. “I hope Pixar makes another Cars movie.”

May it never be!

7. “This iced latte from Starbucks should probably be more expensive.”

It’s saddens me to see so many Christians worship their political ideologies more than they worship Jesus. I’ve seen, like, almost 4 or 5 people on Facebook posting articles that have the audacity to disagree with my own political ideologies that I worship more than Jesus.

These so-called “Christians” are posting these things and in the process are becoming a sort-of cultural morality police. This is wrong. You shouldn’t tell people how to live their lives. You should let them do what they want. So I’m going to tell you, that is how you should live your life. Okay?

People should also have the right to misinterpret Matthew 7:1 if they want to. If you disagree with me, then you’re probably a bigot and I hate you. Remember: Jesus did not die for your politically-skewed, Americanized religion. He died for mine.