As you are no doubt aware – thanks to the inescapable media coverage – the royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton took place on Friday. There are myriad reasons this annoys me.

First and foremost I am an abolitionist but because I’m English people keep asking me if I’m excited about the nuptials. I AM NOT. They are a complete waste of money for a ridiculous show of pomp and circumstance at the expense of hard-working Britons. The royal family are nothing more than parasites that live an absurd lifestyle, sucking wealth from the British public and providing no real service. I always hear these arguments that the royal family are good for tourism. Fuck that. People still go to bloody France in droves and they wised up about the monarchy yonks ago. Also, I’m sure tourists would pay a pretty penny to wander round Buckingham Palace if we ousted Liz and her ilk from their gilded perch.

Back to the media coverage though, how is this news? At the very most it’s entertainment news and should be covered as such. It’s like the whole world is crazy and every major newscaster is fangirling it along the parade route. WTF? I bet if they asked Peter Mansbridge to cover the Oscars he’d slap a bitch and he high-tailed it over to England to catch a glimpse of the exquisite Beatrice and Eugenie walk the red carpet like his life depended on.

Quick sidenote on these two. One looks like she dressed as her mother and the other one looks like she stuffed her hat into an overcrowded cupboard only to take it out on the day and not have time to find a replacement. Ridiculous.

Yes, Kate’s dress was lovely and I love a red carpet, it’s just the idea that these ridiculous human beings are sponging off the public and we’re celebrating it. Not only celebrating it but treating it as if it’s serious news. IT IS NOT. What’s the strangest of all to me is that events like these only seem to endear the royals to the public whereas I’m quite the opposite. Outlandish weddings only serve to remind me what a ridiculous institution the monarchy is and why it’s time to give the Windsors – and their various hangers on – the heave-ho.