Words of wisdom, straight from the bottle…

Someone who should know better just sent me a bunch of quotes related to drinking alcohol (I particularly like the warnings)...

Do you remember that Oscar Wilde quote “Work's the curse of the drinking classes.”? Of course this is a play (no pun intended, Oscar) on an earlier saying “Drink is the curse of the working classes.” (Does anyone remember where the original saying came from?)

Why am I waffling on about this? Well, someone who should know better just sent me the following quotes related to drinking (I particularly like the warnings):

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your bra and nickers.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers"

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not...

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Ah yes, the beer goggles! You just reminded me of one of the greatest Simpsons episodes ever, the one in which they visited Duff Gardens. At one point they go into the gift shop, and Bart picks up a set of authentic beer goggles ("See the world as a drunk sees it!"). He puts them on and looks at his hideous aunt Patty or aunt Selma and sees a voluptuous woman cooing, "Oooh, you're charming the pants off me!" Then he takes them off and hears Patty/Selma saying, "I said, Bart, take off those damn glasses!"

How about "WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can play the Ukulele"
See the blog I just posted "It's hard to be in a bad mood while you're playing the ukulele!" (http://bit.ly/pPgDy4)

There was also the movie "King Frat" - a naughtier version of the Animal House movies. Therea a guy in it who is always offering advice to anyone who will listen: "My advice to you is to start drinking heavily..."

Max, you will remember Andy Capp cartoons? In one, the vicar is giving Andy one of his regular sermons about the demon drink. "And look at poor Fred" says the vicar. "He fell into the canal on the way home from the pub." Andy replies "But vicar, Fred drowned, didn't he?" "Yes...??" says the vicar. "Well it was demon water did for the poor bloke then! says Andy.
Then there's the one about women always seeming prettier when seen thru the bottom of a beer glass. "Beer goggles" the effect is called.