Achievement vs. perfection

The following excerpt is from Ginsburg’s book, “Building Resilience in Children and Teens: Giving Kids Roots and Wings,” 2nd Edition (American Academy of Pediatrics).

Isn’t it good to be a perfectionist? No.

We want children to be healthy high achievers who reach their potential, but that’s not accomplished by being a perfectionist. Perfectionists are not resilient; they live life always feeling unsettled. Why? The answer lies in the process, not the product. The product— an A, a piece of art, a 10 in gymnastics— does not distinguish the healthy high achiever from the perfectionist. It’s the process.

The world is run by high achievers. Many of them describe themselves as perfectionists because they aren’t satisfied until they’ve done their best. But they prove resilient when they fall short of perfection. Healthy high achievers get genuine pleasure from putting every effort into producing the finest quality product. They see a mistake as an opportunity for growth and as an impetus to learn to do better the next time.

In sharp contrast to healthy high achievers, perfectionists reject anything less than a flawless product or performance. They don’t enjoy the process of creating because they worry endlessly about not performing as well as they think they should. Their fear of failure is greater than the joy of experiencing success. Perfectionists see every mistake as evidence they’re unworthy or not good enough.

We must look at our children and notice how they are experiencing the process rather than push for a result.

Changing a perfectionist’s style is not easy. A perfectionist has a lot invested in being flawless. Giving up that style brings the risk of failure or a conflict that the perfectionist is trying so desperately to avoid. A parent’s job is to let children know they are adored regardless of their accomplishments.

It is better to notice that they seem uncomfortable or are struggling more than they should. “I notice you seem disturbed that Ms. Singh gave you a B- on your history project. It makes me sad to see you this upset. Can we talk?”

Remember, the most essential ingredient in raising resilient children is an adult who loves or accepts them unconditionally and holds them to high but reasonable expectations. High expectations are not about grades or performance.

They’re about integrity, generosity, empathy, and the traits our children need if they are to contribute to the world.

When you think you should comment about howyour children could do better, base your statements on the fact that they already have done better.

Use an example of past successes to remind them that they’re already equipped with the talent, experience and resources to address new challenges. Remind them of some obstacle they overcame or a problem they worked creatively to resolve for themselves.

Parents must be cheerleaders. We get excited when our children win, but we have to learn to encourage and praise more effectively. We usually tend to praise an outcome or accomplishment: “I am so proud of your winning goal, your blue ribbon, that A on your science test.” The unintended message is, “I wouldn’t be as proud if you had come home without the prize.” Instead, we have to encourage the process and display our pride over how they are playing the game of life with integrity, genuine effort and, yes, joy.