My husband won’t kiss me. What can I do?

My husband won’t kiss me. What can I do?

Kate de Brito

–,
Monday,
August,
27,
2012,(8:19am)

Dear Bossy: I love your blog, you give me lots of giggles.

Unfortunately I’m not giggling right now, and I was hoping you could help.

I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, married for almost 1 year. He’s my best friend, we have lots of fun, and I truly love him, like, a LOT. But we have one crucial ingredient that’s missing, and basically only have sex about once a month now. If that. But that’s not even the worst part! We never pash anymore, unless we’re about to have sex. We peck, we cuddle, I lie on top of him watching tv, we hold hands - so there’s plenty of affection, but almost no sexual contact at all anymore. Sometimes I think we’re like best friends who used to be madly in love.

When we first got together, and for about the first 2 years, we used to pash everywhere, like teenagers! In the street, in our flats, at parties. We were the kind of couple who make strangers yell out ‘get a room’ on the tube. Then it started decreasing, very quickly. By year 3 I can recall it already becoming an issue between us, and it’s never really let up.

I felt like he just wasn’t interested very often, and also feel like he doesn’t ever ‘just do it’ as recommended by good ol’ Bettina Arndt. Our sex life is completely driven by his desires. I feel so deprived that as soon as he shows interested we have sex but if he’s not interested then there’s no convincing him. I have never been someone to use sex as a weapon, but these days if I’m not 100% in the mood I also think, well bugger it, he wouldn’t do it if I was trying to. Great healing attitude, I know.

It got to the stage that before our wedding I said I couldn’t get married unless we went to a counsellor and tried to sort it out. He’s committed to the relationship, I’m committed, there was no question about trying to sort it out, so we went. We had 4 or 5 sessions and it was fantastic. We improved things that I didn’t even think were a problem, communicated better, and it felt like we fell right back in love. Everything was great, the sex started to get better and everything was groovy, although there was obviously a long road to travel to get our sexual life back on track. I don’t think we made it far enough before we got derailed.

Fast forward to now, and while we’re still in love, the last time we had sex was over 3 weeks ago, also the last time we pashed. I tried pashing him when we were out for a walk a while before that and he did what I call blocking. Kissed me for a few seconds then wrapped it up. When I tell him that’s what it feels like he’s doing he now gets upset and says that if every time we kiss I say it’s not enough then it makes him not want to kiss me. Probably fair, but I just feel like I’ve brought it up so many times and tried so many things to fix it that I don’t know what to do. I’m at a total loss.

Now he’s ready to start a family (we’re 32 and 34) and all I can think is that kids stereotypically decrease sexual relations even more, and I can’t face the idea of resigning myself to being sexually frustrated for the rest of my life. And I guess, if I’m honest, I just feel so undesired. He’s the opposite of a guy who can’t keep his hands off his wife. (I’m size 10 and I’ve lost about 7 kilos since we first got together, so it’s not like he’s a feeder, got me dependent and then lost interest). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to leave him, but I want to fix it and I just don’t know how. I’ve tried telling him how really really serious this is to me, and many tears later we’re still in the same position.

We tried counselling. I’ve tried lying on the bed in lingerie but if he’s tired or not in the mood he just says how about in the morning and the morning never comes. I’ve tried telling him my concerns about having kids when we never have sex as it is, and also pointed out that we’re never going to HAVE kids if we’re relying on sex once a month to make it happen. I’ve tried kissing him in the street and at parties where it’s ‘safe’ and he knows I’m not going to try to have sex with him and he just wraps it up quickly. I’ve basically begged him for those big long sloppy kisses that we used to have but we haven’t kissed one single time since the last kiss-followed by blocking-followed by teary conversation over 7 weeks ago (except the sex 3 weeks ago).

I’ve suggested that we go back to counselling and although he’s reluctant to (haven’t yet been able to get to the bottom of why, I can’t tell if he thinks we should be able to solve it ourselves or if he really thinks there is no issue. He’s not an idiot though, so that would be weird) he’s said he definitely will, but since counselling didn’t really fix it last time I haven’t really been that proactive about making it happen. I know that he’s feeling the pressure that I’m putting on it all now, but I am just at a complete loss for what to do. I love him so much, but I can’t live like this.

Please help me so I can giggle at your blog again instead of crying like a lunatic at crazy stupid love because I think I’m going to end up like one of those desperate housewives who has an affair with the pool guy crying ‘my husband hasn’t touched me in years!’.

Thanks, Sexless in love

Bossy says: That was a long letter, but I appreciate you had a lot to say.

First, you feel undesired in your relationship.

Second, things have definitely changed since those heady days when you pashed like teenagers in streets and at parties.

Third, you’re considering an affair with the pool guy.

Unfortunately your situation is not easily solved. If we only have to change ourselves life can be relatively simple. But when we need someone else to come to the party, it’s another matter.

The truth is too that declining sexual activity after marriage or after a relationship has been going a while is common. Really common. And as you’ve discovered, it’s not just women who grow tired of sex and let the days between sex turn to weeks and then months and so on. It’s men too.

But what can you do?

You can’t force someone to be interested sexually. And lolling around in sexy lingerie only does so much. So the best option is honesty. And lack of judgment. That means you simply tell your husband how you feel. You don’t tell him what he should do or what you want from him, you just explain how the current situation makes you feel.

You tell him that you’d like sex far more often than you are getting it now and that the lack of it makes you feel undesirable. You own that. You accept it’s not his fault you feel that way, it’s your own vulnerability. And you tell him honestly that you don’t want to be the sort of women who goes off and has an affair with the first man who flatters you and makes you feel desirable because you’re not getting that at home.

You could also try asking him ‘is anything wrong and be prepared to hear the truth if it comes. You ask him if in all honesty he is happy having sex just once or twice a month? And if he is you don’t blame and pout or say ‘that’s not fair’ or make out like he’s the one with the problem. You work at how to compromise as a couple.

The kissing is another thing. Personally I’m glad you and your husband are no longer pashing all round the place. The reason people say “get a room” is not to make you feel like demigods of desire, but because you are literally make them sick in their mouths and they want you to go away.

I also think you need to understand it’s quite normal for those sorts of PDA’s to die off a little after you’ve been together a while. Some couples hold hands for eternity but I have yet to see a couple in their 60s who have been together all for 40 years pashing their way through weekends bbqs.

I get that those PDAs made you feel special and desirable and wanted. But sometimes we also have to be able to trust our partner loves and cares about us even without obvious shows of affection. Clearly your husband is not longer comfortable with the deep kisses of your courtship. Clearly these days he’s happy with other ways of showing affection, and you admit there are many. So how about your cut him a break and accept that while the sex issue clearly needs some work, the kiss thing has simply changed… to the great relief of all your mates.

Realise too that just because something has changed doesn’t mean you’re worse off. Success in life and in relationships is about change, flexibility and adaptation. Clinging to something that’s petered out is just going to bring you pain.

I also think focusing on what your partnership lacks closes out all the things that are right about him and the relationship. If you get stuck on wanting him to embrace you passionately most Tuesdays in the kitchen rather than focusing on the fact he is loyal, or faithful, or kind or generous or hardworking, or funny, you are doing both of you a disservice. Marriages are a marathon not a sprint. You need to accept that things will change and shift, and acceptance is a key part of making it work.

Talk to your partner about the sex. Don’t let him cop out of it by saying you make him feel bad. Tell him sex is important to you and so is being desired.

Some couples go to the trouble of writing lists of the things they need and then discuss whther they can meet each others’ needs.

This not as mechanical as it sounds. Once you recognise that he has different needs and his are just as important as yours you can both look at trying to meet in the middle.

The truth is while sex might be important to you it may not be as important to him and recognising and valuing that is how you move forward as a couple.

Remember too that a good marriage can become a great one over time. It is made great not by never encountering difficulties or heartache or distress within the marriage but by how you both learn to overcome them.
All the best.

Have Your Say

“The reason people say “get a room” is not to make you feel like demigods of desire, but because you are literally make them sick in their mouths and they want you to go away.”

Touche. Please stop. It’s juvenile, and it’s not normal, or it wouldn’t be such a novelty for everyone. It’s not a badge of honour of your love - it’s gross. The reason everyone else is not doing it is not because they are less in love with you - it’s because it’s not considered completely socially acceptable, and they are respecting everyone elses views of this.

Look, I was like you once. My first bf and I pashed everywhere - he was my first so I figured that if he was doing it, it must be normal. I was too caught up to notice the discomfort we were causing around us, at, say, my brothers youth group when we came by to pick him up. Oh yeah, uh huh.
Post that relationship, I came to realise that not everyone did that, and that it was kind of rude to make people that uncomfortable by putting a private act right into their faces. I’m now mortified by what I did, thank heavens the relationship only went a couple of weeks.
Perhaps your husband has figured this out before you have.

The sex thing… tough call. It’s normal, it’s not his fault, it’s not your fault. People have different default levels, and it usually takes a couple of years into the relationship before they hit them. Unfortunately, you now find that his is lower than yours.

Comments are submitted for possible publication on the condition that they may be edited. Please provide a name, you may use a screen name – this will be published with your comment, and a working email address – not for publication, but for verification. The suburb/location field is optional.
( Read our publication guidelines ).

A NOTE ABOUT RELEVANT ADVERTISING: We collect information about the content (including ads) you use across this site and use it to make both advertising and content more relevant to you on our network and other sites.