Apparently, when you cut wheat out of your diet, you have to think about it all the time. Because as soon as you stop thinking about it, YOU WILL EAT WHEAT. It's in everything, including the soy sauce at the sushi restaurant I went to in order to not eat wheat. It's also in beer, which would seem self-explanatory but I let's just say I can be a little slow on the uptake when it involves not drinking a pint of pale ale. Wheat is also in Newman-O's: Snack of the Gods, which I already knew, except that the other day when I got to work around 8:30 a.m. I was technically still asleep and not thinking coherently, so when I noticed that someone had left a half-eaten bag of Newman-O's on my desk I started shoveling them into my mouth as quickly as possible before they were taken away from me. That's what I do in the morning. I shovel wheat. While sleepwalking. At work. And it took not eating wheat for me to realize that I had a problem.

Suffice it to say that my wheat-free experiment has been aborted due to lack of information and self-control, and will not be revisited until further research is conducted. And by conducting research I mean bathing in walnut sourdough bread with two sticks of butter and a Guinness.