· Initiated red and black as a fashion statement
· Generated fear in otherwise rational humans
· Developed torture management system, resulting in 95% torture rate
· Successfully bargained with former U.S. leaders to f*ck up the country

PROFESSIONAL HISTORY

President, Washington, D.C. 2000-2008
· Almost singlehandedly flushed an entire nation down the toilet
· Pretended to look for bad-ass weapons
· Vacationed
· Developed strategy for invading all countries starting with “I”
· Successfully maintained focus on golf game during national crises
· Delegated intellectually challenging tasks
· Mangled the English language, causing linguists throughout the world
to cringe in horror
· Waited for retroactive popularity to kick in

Senator, Washington, D.C. 1947-1957
· Created lists of thinking people and arrested them
· Encouraged grownups to tattle on each other to get out of trouble
· Caused massive unemployment among aforementioned thinking people
· Threw liberals in jail