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Month: September 2016

Good boys go to heaven. Bad boys go to Las Vegas. I don’t know who came up with that but if something similar existed for movies, not sure where the good movies would go, but sure as hell know that the bad movies go to Chiyaan Vikram. While good movies are dissected and appreciated in great detail like a goat on bakrid, the bad movies are like Michael Jackson, they’ve had a big impact on people’s childhood but most rather not talk about it. Irumugan was another such movie, experience, ordeal.

Mandatory Hero Introduction

After the obligatory distant shot of the Petronas Towers, we focus our attention on the Indian Embassy in Malaysia, where a random chinese dude enters the embassy, crosses the restricted access barrier, pauses for a bit and continues to walk. He also takes the chance to waste a few more minutes of screen time by staring at the CCTV camera. He then takes a puff off an inhaler, becomes Super Human Random Chinese Dude, and proceeds to waste more time, beating up extras dressed up as police in the embassy.

Somewhere in India … Nasser, Nithya Menon and another annoying dude appear enraged on hearing about the attack.Nasser : “This looks to be the work of Love. We may be intelligence officers but of course we dont have any information about this guy. So any thoughts ?”Annoying Dude : “Imma gonna just keep shouting for no reason cuz no one cares.”Nithya Menon : “Well, its about time I introduced the hero of the film. Chiyaan Vikram as Ex Raw Agent. He has obviously had an encounter with Love, so lets ask him to solve this problem.”

At Gwalior, Madhya Pradesh, Nasser finally finds Vikram in a bar getting beaten up as he counts to ten. The situation is synonymous with the state of Chiyaan over the last ten years, and also a subtle tribute to Action Thriller 10 endradhukulla. Anyway so..Nasser : “Chiyaan, you’ve got to stop Love. He’s back.”Chiyaan : “Umm… ok sure but I really need a flashback. I’m Ex Raw Agent and all that.”Nasser : “Ok sure, but make it quick. While you are at it, introduce Nayantara as well. She’s probably the only expectation people have for this movie anyway.”

Halena… Halena… generic Harris Jayaraj music blares on for the next five minutes. As promised, Chiyaan has intro song featuring Computer technician Nayantara, who he proceeds to marry…

The Awkward Attempts At Humour

Back to the present, and Chiyaan and Nithya Menon arrive at the KL airport, to be greeted by Malaysian Cop Thambi Ramaiah, whose level of annoyance crosses the Parotta Soori threshold of intolerability within the first few seconds of screen presence.Nithya Menon : “This is an undercover operation and we’re going to find a fake passport dealer.”Thambi Ramaiah : “Ivanga pannara operation la enakku enna operation nadakka pogutho.” (In this operation, how many operations are going to be done to me?)
*awkward chuckle*

At the fake passport dealer’s hideout…

Chiyaan : “Ok guys. You might need to know that I can beat six people, and Nithya can beat up three peop… just joking. She’s just going to hang around while I beat up you guys.”Henchmen : ?!?

A few punches and some interrogation later, Nithya Menon and Kabali Meena proceed to dress up as prostitutes with the aim of infiltrating chemistry lab assistant Karunakaran’s hideout.

The Science Plug-ins and Tribute to Adolf Hitler

At Karunakaran’s hideout,Karunakaran (to Nithya Menon) : “I think its fairly obvious that you aren’t prostitutes and you have cameras hidden in your watch, but anyway, after Chiyaan raids the lab and breaks a few beakers, I’ll turn approver and tell off truth.”
Chiyaan dutifully invades lab successfully, and Karunakaran explains his partnership with Love, about the drug Speed, and proceeds to show a painfully boring documentary on the impact of Speed on the life and success of Adolf Hitler.
Meanwhile, Kabali Meena is killed in a crossfire due to budget issues.

The Villain and the Obligatory Plot Twist

Chiyaan and Nithya proceed to follow a truck headed to Love’s hideout, and Chiyaan completes narrating his fuckall flashback which involves Nayantara being killed and half the audience leaving the theater.

Anyway, so as expected, Chiyaan and Nithya are spotted by the truck driver, who promptly takes the drug, does hulk smash and drags Chiyaan and Nithya to Love’s hideout. At the hideout, Chiyaan returns the favor by inhaling Speed and beating the shit out of the henchmen before proceeding to Love’s lair. In an expected sequence of events, Nayantara stages a comeback as Love’s right hand and zaps Chiyaan with a taser.

At this point, it should be revealed that Love is actually Vikram’s most recent attempt at somehow attempting to land an oscar through method acting, this time as a transgender. After setting the bar for overacting method acting through masterstrokes like Remo and Kandhasamy Rooster, he looks to have outdone himself yet again. What proceeds is a painfully long exchange of not so cheesy dialogues between Love and a tied up Chiyaan.Love : “Normally everyone goes around in search of love, but you made Love go around in search of you.”Chiyaan : Ok.Love : “If you agree to be my partner, you can be King and I’ll be Queen.”Chiyaan : No.Love : “Ok Im beginning to run out of dialogues here. Nayan, quickly take that unloaded gun, pretend that its loaded and shoot this fellow no.”Nayan : Sure. *Fires blank*Chiyaan : “Well now that I’ve truly lost Nayan, might as well insert a song demonstrating my state of melancholy . Also gives audience some time to take bathroom break and observe a minute silence for Chiyaan.”
*Insert sad song sequence*Love : “Ok song over and I still havent managed to come up with any new dialogues. So Nayan, please load the damn gun and shoot.”Nayan : Sure. *shoots random bystander behind Chiyaan*Chiyaan : ?!?Love : WTF ?!Nayan : “Do you want me to explain my flashback as well ?”
*Dead bystander does not respond*
Cops enter the scene, Thambi Ramaiah is back and Love is arrested as Chiyaan finally realizes how boring flashbacks can really be, as Nayan narrates her flashback.

The Chase Scene

At Malaysia jail,Love : “So it looks like the easiest way to get out of jail would be to fake an asthma attack.” *Clutches left boob and resumes method acting*Cop #1 : “Oh wow, its a medical emergency. Call a doctor.”Cop #2 : “No way man. She has to escape prison remember ? Let me just search her bag for the drugged inhaler and hand it over to her.”Cop #1 : “You know that means we die, right ?”Cop #2 : ” I’m already dead inside.”
So Love breaks out of prison, kills all the cops and attacks Nithya Menon.Nithya : “Aren’t you going to be killing me as well ?”Love : “Yes, but i had this dialogue written which I have to tell you.”Nithya : “What ?”Love : “Ok Kanmani.”
Nithya Menon dies.

Love escapes from prison and heads to the hospital where some minister is admitted. Using the tried and tested method of disguising as a nurse in a hospital, Love makes his way to the ICU. Love observes doctors flirting with nurses, and Chiyaan interrogating the minister, but fails to take notice of a cop in the hospital checking out Love’s booty, which was spotted by the cameramen of the film. Anyway so Love proceeds to kill the minister, frame Chiyaan as the killer and escape as expected.

Climax Fight Scene

Chiyaan and Nayan are chased by cops and its Nayan’s turn to inhale Speed and turn the spot light on her. This was her Scarlett Johansson in Lucy moment, but no. The director clearly felt that having a fight scene at this point would be a waste of time, and skipped it, much to the dismay of the remaining few folks at the theater.
So they proceed to the airport where Love is busy trying to ship the drug with the help of his henchmen. Chiyaan tries to stop her, and of course, at this point nobody gives a shit about Speed because everyone in the audience are already wondering if they are on drugs watching this pile of shit, as Chiyaan and Love square off.Love : “Normally everyone slips and falls in Love, but you have made Love slip and fall.”Chiyaan : “Oh not this shit again. Didnt I tell you…”Love : “Nee Raja, naa Rani.”Chiyaan : “Ada pongada. Just STFU and fight.”
Chiyaan and Love fight, Love beats up Chiyaan and escapes in plane. But clever Chiyaan proves why he is hero by acquiring Love’s fingerprint and using it to get fake aadhar card deactivate controls on the plane and crashing it, killing Love.

Creepy AF End Scene

Movie ends with a horny and creepy Chiyaan attempting to demonstrate the acceleration of Nayantara’s gestation period from nine months to 24 hours by inhaling Speed, as you sit all alone in the theater staring in disbelief as another nail is driven into Chiyaan Vikram’s coffin.