When did we stop kissing just to kiss?

When writing about real relationships, be they my own or those of my friends, I work hard to change the details enough so that I maintain the anonymity of the people in question, but when I write about my own relationship, my husband doesn’t get the same protection. This doesn’t happen too often, as most of the articles I write are about crappy relationships. I love my guy and we are pretty damn happy, which is why most of my personal articles are about my ex-boyfriends. Whenever I’m writing about my marriage, particularly anything that could possibly be construed as really intimate, I always check in with my guy to make sure he doesn’t have a problem with anything I’m about to reveal to our readers – which includes his mother (Hi mom!).

Such was the case a few nights ago. I gingerly brought up the subject of today’s article while we were having dinner. I say gingerly not because my guy is particularly touchy about being the subject of my writing – in fact I don’t think he’s ever asked me to change anything I’ve written about him – but because one could read into the subject a touch of criticism or complaint on my part, and I figured the first he heard of it shouldn’t be on the internet.

The conversation went a little something like this:

“So, I was about to start writing Monday’s article, but wanted to check with you first,” I began. He could hear the hesitation in my voice and looked appropriately dubious. “Have you ever noticed…“ I paused, wanting to find the least critical way of phrasing my subject. “”Have you ever noticed that once you get married, or, really, are in any long-term committed relationship, you never just kiss anymore?”

“We kiss all the time,” he said.

“True, we do kiss all the time,” I replied, “but most of the kisses are just glorified pecks. I’m talking real kisses. With tongue. Once tongue is involved in a kiss, that pretty much guarantees we’re going to have sex. I don’t mean to offend you, but with us now-a-days, tongue equals nudity.”

“Oh, I’m not offended at all.” He said, amused. “That’s totally true. It’s one of the main reasons to get married.”

“One of the main reasons to get married is that you don’t have to kiss me unless you’re going to get laid?” I asked, a tad defensively.

“No. One of the main reasons to get married is so that I get to kiss you and get laid.”

“I like kissing you,” I said.

“I like kissing you too,” he said. “I like it so much that it makes me want to have sex with you.”

I harumphed. “I’m not saying I don’t like the kissing that leads to sex,” I said. “I’m just saying that it might be nice to sometimes have some kissing for the sake of just kissing.”

Later that evening, as I was getting ready for bed, my guy came in and gave me a kiss – the real kind. Just was we were getting into it, he pulled back, patted me on the shoulder and said, “That was great, thanks,” and then walked away. I nearly swallowed my tongue I laughed so hard. He came back and he kissed me again. And then we totally did it.

The next day I started writing this article, but had to stop to go to our neighbors’ going away party. At the party I cornered a few of the ladies and decided to ask them if we were the only couple for whom kissing tends to equal sex. All of the wives that I asked said it was exactly the same with them… it had been a long time – years – that any of us had been really kissed just for the sake of kissing.

“Oh yeah,” said one of my neighbors. “When you’re married, heavy petting goes out the window.”

Another one said, “It has been so long that it would almost be weird.”

Part of me was glad that me and my guy were not the only ones. But another part of me was a little bummed. As much as I like sex, and am glad that my guy wants to have sex with me, I’d also like him to just want to kiss me. Or would I? I’ll admit, if I kissed him and he stopped me from taking things further with a “Can’t we just kiss and snuggle?”, I would probably feel a bit rejected. So maybe I’m a hypocrite.

What about you?

A Zeros Before the One Poll

For those of you who have been in a relationship for a long time… do you ever just kiss? And if not, do you miss it?

Now that you mention it… no. We don’t. How the hell did that happen? I’m forwarding this article to my guy right now.

It’s true that in relationship, real kissing tends to lead to sex, but I don't see that as a bad thing. It’s just as much my doing as his.

Absolutely. Kissing is a different kind of intimacy than sex, and both are awesome. It might be more important to the woman than to the man, but it is definitely important for the relationship.

The Zeros Field Guide

The Ambiguously Gay Guy

A chameleon-like variety of man which causes confusion and frustration in prospective mates; this species tends toward cleanliness, vanity and an inexplicable love of footwear.

See: Ryan Seacrest

The Manslut

[masculus rakehellious]

A feral variety of the male species, known for copulating with a large variety of females. Indigenous to nightclubs, frat houses, and often found in close proximity to reflective surfaces, this nomad is frequently found in packs of other Mansluts. This animal uses its appearance and charms to lure its prey.

Synonyms: Gonorrhea Boy, Mario Lopez or Colin Farrell.

The Verbal Masturbator

[oralivis beat-offitum]

This species spends most of his time with others talking only about himself. Believing his every move is important and must be regaled, and do so, loudly and repeatedly, especially to the woman he believes so lucky to be his date. His unique hearing seems to only be able to discern accolades and the sound of his own voice above everything else.

The Dead Electrician

[disappearaveatum inexplicti]

A rare breed of males that after spending happy, fulfilling, seemingly normal times with a wonderful woman, disappears off the face of the earth and never calls again. Signs of dead electrician disappearing behavior come in coded messages such as ‘I’ll call you later,’ “Let’s make plans for this weekend,” or “I’ll call you Friday when I’m on my way over.”

The Cheapskate

[dutch-treaticus infinitum]

A variety of male that hordes its resources to the detriment of its mate.

The Mirage

[perfectus prevaricatum]

Projects the image of perfection, luring unsuspecting females to the parched dessert of disappointment and despair.

The Big Talker

[bullshitkus perfectus]

An intuitive form of chameleon, this breed can accurately access the needs of potential mates and will verbalize his intentions to meets these needs. He will meet none of these needs.

The “Nice” Guy

[politea blanditus or pleasantillum lacklustericium]

A common species of man that suffers from delusions of nicety as the reason of their inability to secure a mate. Have an inability to admit to their other characteristics such as needy, boring, insecure, socially awkward or bad in bed.

The Virtual Man

[texticus ad nauseus]

The species creates an impression of closeness called a Virtual Relationship through near constant indirect communication. This specifically modern species of man is known for poor grasp of spelling and grammar, and also known for expressing all feelings through emoticons. Anthropologists suspect this genus will, over time, develop engorged thumbs due to excessive texting and may die out do to no actual physical interactions.

The Little Friend

[minusculis shaftivitum]

A species known for their expensive modes of transport, they are endowed with a penis of inadequate size. While this alone does not make them an undesirable potential mate, it doesn’t help. Often this species will attempt to overcompensate their unfortunately small member with an unfortunately large ego.

The Jockstrap

[sporticus obssesum]

The specific male species so obsessed with a sport, their team, their fantasy football league, fantasy baseball league and sports center updates that they have little time for reproduction or even copulation. Experts recognize this species by the excess hot wing consumption and empty pizza boxes littering their female free abodes. Can often be heard from a distance yelling, screaming or cursing their beloved teams.

The Closeted Addict

[bacanalus coverti]

Known for his ability to ingest large amounts of questionable, and often illegal, substances, while giving little indication of this behavior.

Only Dates commented on The Fight Club Rules of Texting --
Haha, loved reading this post! Really funny.

theswexperts.com commented on Everything I’ve Learned From Watching the Last 10 Seasons of The Bachelor/Bachelorette --
I myself started watching it but it makes the contestants look really shallow and the Bachelor/Bachelorette look like a player just so get attention from the women/men.