Zoids

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

DISCLAIMER: Zoids are considered SERIOUS FUCKIN' BUSINESS, so be careful! It is considered insulting and blasphemous to paint them pink - Zoids are very easily offended. They should only be used in war stories - the more pretentious and melodramatic, the better, because we all know that the selling of colourful plastic mecha-dinosaur toys is a realm for hard science fiction storytelling. Sports competitions, races, and non-militant superheroics are offensive and may result in you being stoned to death with small pieces of plastic frames.

Zoids are a franchise of plastic robot model kits (based on various animals, dinosaurs, bugs, vegetables, etc. with numerous tie-in products such as 5 animu series, manga, a Marvel comic series, several bad video games, action figures, boxer shorts, colouring books, lunchboxes, board games, and several flavors of small dry candy packaged with trading figures. The term was coined in 1987 by Grant Morrison after accidentally falling down an abandoned mine shaft into a secret underground base, discovering they were part of a conspiracy by the people of planet Zoid under the command of their almighty God TOMY to destroy Christmas.

Zoids are on the cutting edge of plastic robot dinosaur technology. Marvels of engineering, the average Zoid model is made of 368945968745987 unnecessarily tiny plastic pieces assembled around either a wind-up or battery operated motor, and requires six hands in order to build with any efficiency. Once completed, they will take a couple of strenuous steps foreword before toppling over and writhing pathetically on the floor. Zoids are incapable of traversing rough terrain such as your average living room carpet, and require smooth, flat surfaces from which to launch their attacks.

Typically, they will be purchased by children well below the recommended age limit, whose parents will be unwillingly enlisted to build them. Then they fall apart when the child looks at them funny and spend the rest of eternity being crushed at the bottom of a toy chest, often being sold on ebay years later in dilapidated condition to vintage toy collectors for obscene amounts of moneys.

Contents

The people of Zoid have attempted to invade Earth twice now, with the ultimate goal of destroying Christmas (and renaming it Secular Holiday), conquering earth, and turning us all into Zoids as well. The first wave is referred to by people in labcoats as “Operation OJR”, whereas the second wave is referred to as Operation NJR.

Operation OJR was initiated sometime during the 1980's. Led by Krark, Prince of Dark Chocolate, this initial invasion was unsuccessful, though renegade Zoid forces would continue to attack earth during the 90s under various aliases such as Robo-Strux and Techno-Zoids. All these attempts at taking earth were unsuccessful as well.

You'd think that they'd have learned their lesson, but eventually a second full-scale invasion was attempted under the code-name of Operation NJR. Led by the newly indoctrinated dictator of Planet Zoid, Berserk Führer, Operation NJR was assisted by an earth-based organisation called Hasbro. Masquerading as a harmless toy company, Hasbro was in-fact a UFO cult who made contact with the people of Planet Zoid near the end of Operation OJR. Figuring that we’d be better off under the control of superior alien beings, Hasbro assisted the Zoids in their second invasion, assisting in creating propaganda and mass production of their troops, and giving them friendlier “code names” in order to operate on Earth undercover.

However, in 2004, Operation NJR was deemed a failure and the fleet returned to Planet Zoid. They have yet to return, though recent reports indicate that they are planning another invasion with the help of a new device code-named Jetstream. Due to the experimental and inefficient nature of this new technology, experts in the military doubt that this “Jetstream” will ever be used to bring Zoids back to earth.

Propaganda is an important part of the Zoid invasion strategy. Said propaganda usually takes form as harmless fictional stories for children, which are in-fact riddled with all kinds of subliminal messages tailor-made to corrupt their fragile minds into worshiping TOMY.

Printed on the packaging of every Zoid in moonspeak is what is known as the "Zoids Battle Story", an incomprehensible and highly inconsistent collection of hyperbole and faux historical documents. Written by interns in sweatshops deep under the surface of Zoid, it supposedly dictates the history of the Zoid people, and is treated as gospel by anal-retentive fanbois. Fundamentalist role-players demand a literal interpretation of the scripture, and any deviations from the Holy Fluff Text will be met with scorn and angry e-mails.

Published by Marvel during operation OJR, and packaged along with Spiderman, it covered its sinister origins as part of the Zoids invasion with Western-style art and a completely different story, which was centered around Krark's plan to invade Earth (and thus intended to lull readers into thinking the real plot was also a work of fiction). While it has since faded into obscurity, it still maintains a loyal fan following, mostly in the form of older fans who read it as impressionable children and were therefore more easily brainwashed.

Spiderman has officially denied any and all connection with zoid despite being seen sipping fine champagne with Yakuza at an erotic BDSM fantasy restaurant in Tokyo's Shibuya district with a leather clad, fuzzy-whip-wielding Krark.

Is widely considered to be the best plot out of the Zoids series. Dealing with a traveling, adventure loving youth who finds a device of great power and significance as well as an innocent young girl with amnesia. He goes on many filler adventures during an emotionally chaotic war between two equally human nations (the Helic Republic and Guylos Empire) who are fighting due to sad but unavoidable conditions (like the Empire's leader being completely nucking futs.)

The second Zoids animu series and the first animu to be shown in non-moonspeak. The most honest of the Zoids animu series, it is unabashedly a 20 minute toy commercial and completely acknowledges this fact, lulling its viewers into a state of vulnerability with its upbeat tone, canned humour and repetitive storylines. However, the deception was too bald-faced to work and the series ended after 26 episodes. Is considered to be old meme amongst Zoids fantards.

An experimental propaganda effort based on the strategy developed by Zoids: Chaotic Century. It tweaks the formula by blatantly stealing ideas from Turned A Gundam and stirring in some extra swords, Ninjas, and Lolicon fanservice for good measure. It has yet to be utilised on earth.

Also known as the "Viva Osaka" Comeback Tour, this carefully constructed propaganda exercise is being executed in 2008. In March of that year, Deathsaurer was once again released upon the world. Given the pastings handed to Zoids Genesis and Fuzors, Deathsaurer was prepared this time. No animu was created in the staging of this exercise. Instead, Deathsaurer dictated a monthly release schedule, each release being accompanied with a book fill of mystic incarnations in Moon Runes. It is rumoured that incanting the incarnations in order will result in the creation of Zoids diorama bases. While this is superfically true, they also have the hidden ability to bring back the dead. The Moon Runes predict that in September of 2008, the gates of hell will split wide open, disgorging legions of clones of King Gojulas and Gilvader to feast upon the unworthy. The end is nigh! Viva Osaka!

The most powerful Zoid of them all! Its signature ability is the Strike Laser Claw attack, which it uses by by putting +5 BAB into Power attack and combining with the Improved Critical, Increased Multiplier and Maximise Attack feats. Liger Zero has multiple personalities, and is most notable for its CAS ability, which allows it to transform in order to adapt to more powerful forms. It can run at high speed with its Jäger Armour, slash stuff with its Schneider armour, blow shit up with its Panzer armour, and fly with its Phoenix and Falcon armours. It slices, it dices, it makes julienne fries! It does your homework, folds your laundry, vacuums the house, and has a built in frost-free fridge. Noble and heroic (by Zoid standards), Liger Zero has very good PR and was chosen to represent the fleet during operation NJR.

The leader of the Nazi Zoid regime and glorious dictator of planet Zoid. Armed with his triple Charged Particle Cannon of Conquest and Eggbeaters of Racial Superiority, Berserk Führer inherited leadership from Krark and spearheaded Operation NJR. Hasbro offered him the moniker of "Berserk Fury" to use on earth in order to conceal his identity and avoid upsetting the delicate sensibilities of human soccer moms.

Berserk Führer's second in command Zoid is bigger, meaner, and uglier, but also stupider than Führer. Unconcerned with strategy and tactics, Death Saurer (Deathy to his friends) prefers the noble, honorable art of burnination. Death Saurer was rumored to be arriving as reinforcements for Krark's army, but was unfortunately delayed by its pivotal but ultimately futile role in phase one of operation OJR, where it was owned by Deadborder.

Although never officially part of operation NAR, thanks to the effective use of propaganda Death Saurer's name is feared world wide for being stupendously huge and destructive. Unfortunately this propaganda also reveals his near fatal allergic reactions when force fed cat Zoids.

One of the few Zoids whose toy release is actually significantly LARGER than its actual size, Gilvader is hunted by fanbois for its dramatic black, purple, and pink red color scheme. Certainly not as important as the fandom might think it is, despite allegations that it can bring people back from the dead. Not to be confused with Gylvader, its trendy cousin who has taken to a career in acting; or with Gildragon, an attempt at cloning Gilvader who ran off to become a librarian after people made fun of its bad combover hair.

Deadborder is a nasty bitey Zoid type that revels in the pain and misery of others. Deadborder is noted for its tendency to lash out at anything that it doesn’t like and dismantle it with its array of powerful weapons. Amongst its weapons in its arsenal are biting sarcasm, grammar and punctuation checking, blatant satire and Wikipedia articles. Deadborder's only weakness is its spelling.

Notable Deadborders

Starchild Canyonsage McSnygyu (Raped and dismantled over 200 other Zoids and a marmot using GHB. Zoid GHB.

Omikron Mike (my boss)

0078H (appeared for 2 frames in one of the animes... once. Maybe.... (kinda?))

Referred to erroneously as Gojulas Giga. An experimental new Zoid used during operation NJR, they were deployed close to the end of the invasion. However, cancellation of the invasion required for a hasty withdrawal, and many of the Giggles were abandoned on earth before they could be recalled, where many of them remain to this day, gathering dust on shelves in toy department and cluttering up space in the Toys R Us bargain bin alongside excess stock of Bratz dolls and Revenge of the Sith action figures.

Possibly the most dangerous Zoid ever, strong men have fouled themselves at the sight of its crusher claws, machine gun, and twin missiles. Its slender elegant frame is packed with power, and its over sized feet allow it to balance in conditions most treacherous. Beware of the glare of its mighty white head!

Iguan's kick is classified as a class 3 atrocity under the Geneva conventions. As the final form of Garius it has a power level in excess of NINE THOUSAAAANNNND. It has added muscle and potency, and has been known to kick the head clean off a Death Saurer. Iguan carries significantly more weaponry than its predecessor too, its bunny ear guns serving the dual purpose of Insane cute attack as well as providing anti air capabilities. It also has significant rewards facing firepower, to prevent other Zoids sticking it in Iguan's pooper. Finally a booster has been added for increased potency of kicking.

The robotic lover of the pilot Jamie. It enjoys when he takes it for rides and cleans it. Their love came to a tragic end when Jamies boss sold Pteras into robot prostitution after Bit Cloud(no relations to cloud from final fantasy) complained about the danger to Jamies future.

King Gojulas is possibly the most powerful Zoid ever created until the next one comes along. This machine was originally a lot smaller when initially deployed but, as time wore on, its bulk increased dramatically. King Gojulas' most powerful weapon is its mighty roar, which can cause the earth to shake, mountains to crumble, people to dance and teenage girls to squeal. The Zoid, unfortunately, was a high maintenance one, requiring a constant diet of deep-fried peanut butter sandwiches to remain operational.

The King was supposedly deactivated after Operation OJR, but persistent sightings of it continue to this day.

On occasion, it turns blue.

Recently sightings of the King have intensified a hundredfold with rumors of a Japanese comeback tour in September of 2008.
Although the tour was delayed until October, it was a smashing success, with sellouts in Tokyo, Osaka and Milwaukee.

A junk dealer turned genius pilot and teen idol, Bit Cloud teamed up with the Liger Zero as a mascot for operation NJR. After a whirlwind rise to fame and the release of a 26-song album, the stress proved too much for him: he started stealing food and courting his hot-tempered teammate Leena Toros, a known sadist with a taste for expensive ammunition. The failing success of the operation along with rumors that he was cheating on Leena with the Liger Zero in massive Zoid-orgies may have contributed to his downfall and accusations that he'd been lip-syncing the whole time anyway. Burnt out at the young age of 17, he retired and was replaced by RD of Fuzors infamy, whose career proved shorter still. It seems that the easy lifestyle of a Zoids superstar is not one the public is willing to support in this modern day and age.

Once a humble villager, Joyce suffered a similar fate to approximately 90% of Planet Zoid's residents when both his parents were killed by a small and extremely pointy Zoid. He was then adopted by Prozen (ruler of the Guylos Empire and several small portions of Russia), who resolved that the boy could serve Geno Saurer's purpose better if he had a more cool-sounding name. Dubbing him Raven, Prozen set the boy on a career of death and destruction (paralleling the success of dramatic heavy metal artists such as Störmer and Krüger from Mission OJR), gaining him a legion of devoted fanboys and squealing fangirls who admired both his androgynous appearance and skill with charged particle weaponry.

An incredibly cute, overly spunky, agressive and spoiled teenage princess that will whack you all day to have sex with you, boy or girl, with her boots still on. she killed Jinn with Sexually Transmitted Disease or Aids. her whole family died because of her and so did her kingdom, she just laughed and laughed while doing her job, she's a over-expert whore. she gets what she wants all the time, all the time she wants sex.