Penn Satire, Since 1899

GOP Candidates Attend Pancake Party Before Debate

Guest Columnist Scott Rubenstein offers a journalistic run-down of the pancake party traditionally held for all candidates the night before the second GOP debate.

SEPTEMBER 15, 2015, SIMI VALLEY, CALIFORNIA — Just one evening before taking the stage at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library, the Republican presidential candidates hosted an open pancake party for the public, in the hopes of meaninglessly campaigning over stacks of hot and tasty flapjacks.

Former Texas governor Rick Perry, who suspended his campaign, and former Virginia governor Jim Gilmore, who is polling so low he didn’t even qualify for the second-tier, C-list candidate debate, were relegated to passing out raffle tickets at the entrance. Said Gilmore, “Nine people have asked me ‘do you work here?’ before letting me know that they need more bacon at the buffet.’”

The evening didn’t fare too much better for the four candidates who managed to make their way into the second-tier debate. The candidates polling at “at least someone somewhere thinks I’d be a good president” were assigned to serve the food. Voters receiving eggs from South Carolina senator Lindsey Graham tried to ask who the hell he was, but his dainty southern-belle voice was drowned out by sounds of Planned Parenthood being de-funded, and his name-recognition continued to stay stagnant. Many patrons broke the line in order to get a photo with Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal who they mistook for Sanjay Gupta. Jindal didn’t seem to mind, saying “Meh, I’ll take what I can get.”

The eleven candidates selected to participate in the main-stage debate, on the other hand, owned the room, shining like the brightest, most conservative stars in the sky. Their stiff, un-relatable personalities sparkled and their sphincters were tighter than ever.

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee worked the line leading to the Kim Davis kissing-booth (all proceeds went to Huckabee for America) and made sure to remind everyone how little he knows about the Constitution.

Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina handed out candies with her face on the wrapper to try to de-sensitize America. She tried to explain why, with her track record for firing people, being fired, and losing elections in landslides, she has any business running for the highest office in the land.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie stood at a bar table and scarfed down a plate of bacon while telling potential voters to “shut up.”

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker walked around the room holding a sign that said “Walker to Run the Country!” and laughed to himself about how clever he is without ever speaking to a constituent about anything. At one point during the evening, he spotted what looked to be a teacher’s union crowding in one corner and proceeded to go over and break them all up.

Texas senator Ted Cruz handed out fliers with words like “The Affordable Care Act,” and other Obama policies and then proceeded to snatch them all back, tear them up, and make the pieces rain all over the room. When asked what he would do after repealing and reversing everything that has happened over the past eight years, Cruz clicked his heels three times while repeating “Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan,” and disappeared.

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul handed out toy cell phones around the room promising that no one was going to listen in on people’s calls, and also trying to convince people that he is not exactly like his father and that he is a real doctor.

The REAL doctor in the room, Ben Carson, performed miraculous brain surgeries for a large crowd, impressing them with his intellect but also reminding everyone that he also has no idea what he is doing in politics. Former Florida governor Jeb Bush looked on in awe at Carson’s procedures, as he was literally out of things to do to try to make himself look good.

Occasionally people got hit in the head with a football, only to be met by Florida senator Marco Rubio appearing out of nowhere to apologize in Spanish.

Ohio governor John Kasich was spotted sitting quietly in a corner.

Of course, the pancake-themed event would not have been complete without the front-runner, the top candidate in the field, billionaire Donald J. Trump. The largest crowd was pushing to get a glimpse of the Donald’s golden toupee and hear him wax rhapsodic about Mexicans. Instead, they found him continuously saying the word, “CHINA!” and handing out fortune cookies with some of his most misogynistic quotes found inside for all to enjoy.

Seemingly content with their own crowds of pasty, middle-aged and ill-informed supporters, few Republican candidates seemed to notice the much larger turnout across the hall at the Bernie Sanders rally.