A Mother's Journey Through Grief

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Some days are strictly about survival. I’ve been having a lot of those days lately. A couple of weeks ago I allowed some of the pain to escape and I’ve been having a hard time keeping it in ever since. This is why I refuse to talk about certain things. I will openly talk about any other aspect of what I am experiencing, but please don’t ask about my pain.
No one wants to feel pain. We fear it and do everything possible to avoid it. When it’s present, all we can do is deal with it. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. One breath at a time…
I was hoping that writing about it would help me feel better, but by allowing some more of the pain to escape, I just made the hole a little bit bigger. I do, however, need to feel this pain. I need to let it out in order to heal.
I’m in survival mode. I do as little as I have to in a day. Hudson is well cared for but I feel a lot of guilt that I haven’t been able to do more fun things with him. I have been trying, but I feel that it’s still not enough.
I remember a time, not so long ago, when my kids were my whole life. Everything I did was for them. We spent all our time together and made a point of doing something fun every single day, even if that was simply dancing in our living room. Now doing these things with Hudson is so hard. It’s a constant reminder that someone is missing. Now it seems that my life revolves around this gaping wound in my chest and trying to cover it up. As with all deep wounds, the blood seeps out faster than I can keep up with so I keep putting on new band aids.
I remember a TV commercial that used say “depression hurts – all over.” This couldn’t be more accurate. Everything hurts. These last couple of weeks have been pretty painful and difficult. I’m already missing out on so much with my angel.
Bella’s friends started dance class. She should be dancing with them. Hudson started dance class too. We were there tonight and the most precious baby girl was asleep in her car seat. I couldn’t take my eyes off her, yet I felt physical pain by just looking at her. Her mom mentioned that she doesn’t sleep well at night. I so badly wanted to tell her that my baby girl was never a good sleeper either, but I dread the reaction I get when people find out my baby girl is now an angel.
At first I was pretty open about talking to people about it but I quickly discovered that people treat you differently after you lose a child so sometimes I choose not to mention it. Many people feel awkward because they don’t know what to say, some people avoid conversation altogether. I’m not sure if not mentioning my angel actually helps because so far it seems to amplify the pain. It’s a losing battle.
After 15 consecutive bad days, I chose to smile and enjoy the rest of the day. And so I did, as much as I could. But now it’s quiet and all I can think about tonight is how much I miss her. It’s getting harder to #StayStrong💔