Honey On The Razor’s Edge

The Nature of Gender and Romance

by Ngak’chang Rinpoche & Khandro Déchen

Intuition
and logic; chaos and pattern – how do these words relate to romance?
What significance do they have to ‘falling in love’? How do these
word-pairs reflect the dance of relationship between men and women?
The energy of these word pairs permeates every aspect of our lives:
randomness and design; freedom and commitment; subjectivity and
objectivity; gazing and scrutiny; non-rational and rational;
appreciation and discernment; admiration and respect; sensitivity and
strength; laterality and linearity; æsthetics and pragmatism;
uncreated knowledge and active compassion;
emptiness and form; wisdom
display and method
display.

What is
there to be said about men and women that is beyond restrictive
stereotypes? History is peppered with evolutionary, agricultural, and
climatic forces that create their own slants on what is required of
human beings. We cannot look to isolated historical periods for gender
models which facilitate transformation. So is there a human
male-female paradigm that lies beyond the individual cultures of the
world? Eastern and Western cultures have devised models for women and
men; but such models are all open to criticism, no matter how socially
functional they appear. These cultural, or religious models become
cages in which we trap ourselves and others. Some models are highly
simplistic, and designed to maintain social order, and some reflect a
patriarchal interest that is highly obvious. Both can be seen for what
they are and rejected. Even models espoused by feminist women, appear
to be adaptations of phalocentric models. We live in times of
extraordinary heterodoxy, and are exposed to ever-changing ideologies
of gender. Transpersonal psychology is exploring new gender models, in
which men and women are free to evolve their own independent
structures from the rich well of mythological archetypes. The
interface of colourful antiquarian clues with psychological knowledge
has generated new patterns as an interesting experiment with life; but
according to Tantra, we should question our patterns, rather than
evolving new patterns as reactions against previous ones.

With
regard to the imposition of gender attributes, it is preferable for
men and women to create their own models. But although this is
obviously a way to break new ground, these models are also doomed to
become prisons. The problem with new models, is that they are always
‘convex’. They are an imposition. They represent a smaller version
of what we are. Convex definitions are always limiting. They are
limiting, because they are defined. No matter how broad and subtle the
definition – a definition, by
definition, is always ‘a definition’. A definition is
something brought within limits. A definition is a ‘defined area’
within limitless undefined space.

The
‘space’ of our being cannot be defined; all we can do is point
beyond our current models. But how is that possible? In what way can
we point beyond our models? The answer is that we cannot; but, we can
allow ourselves to experience ‘concave’ definition. In contrast
with the exploration of new definitions, the Tantric approach is
somewhat radical; as it involves allowing ourselves to be defined by
everything that is ‘other’. Tantra proposes relating with a gender-specific
experience of reality. For men, the gender experience of
the universe is female. For women, the gender experience of the
universe is male. For yogis, phenomenal reality is female. For
yoginis, phenomenal reality is male.

A
‘concave definition’ of what it is that constitutes masculinity or
femininity, is one in which our ‘maleness’ or ‘femaleness’ is
fundamentally beyond question. We do not need to be cajoled by modern-day
savants of sexuality into believing that we have to ‘get in touch
with our masculinity or femininity’ – it is already there. According
to Tantra, ideas of ‘deep masculine’ or ‘deep feminine’ are
actually just deeper dungeons. We do not have to define, or even know,
what it is to be male or female, because being male or female is
simply what we are. This is experientially evident to anyone who
practises Tantra. There are no criteria to which the tantrika has to
conform. If you are a yogini, a woman, that is simply what you are –
and the same is true of a yogi, a man. According to inner Tantra, the
‘concave definition’ is that your gender is simultaneously
fulfilled and transformed by your relationship with your environment.
In the Tantric teachings of all schools of Tibetan Buddhism, this is
one of the primary vows. The vow is that we attempt to experience the
entire spectrum of external reality, either as method-display
(male) or as wisdom-display
(female).

What do
the terms method-display
and wisdom-display
mean? Our descriptions here will be finger-paintings of inner Tantra,
so we should not be too impatient about defining these terms. We
should not be blatant in revealing the visceral fire of relationships
that are volcanic in their intimacy. When we speak of our lovers, we
need to be cautious with our words. The knowledge that hovers above
and below the surface of mundane expression should be left unspoken.
Voluptuous landscapes of feeling should be left to be inferred. We do
not intend to leave anything unsaid; but Tantra needs to disrobe
itself according to its own precise passion – perfectly, and with
fierce grace. It is neither wise nor practical to expose the heart of
this sumptuous reality without creating a conducive atmosphere in
which such shocking perspectives can disport themselves with vivid
elegance.

It is
obviously not easy to relate to the vows that exist within inner
Tantra. It is not a straightforward endeavour to deliberately
see in a different way – to see the entire fields of the
senses as either male or female. It is not a practice, with specific
rules that can be followed. There is literally no way in which a man
or a woman could follow such oblique directives. However, it can be
attempted. The ways in which it can be attempted are not immediately
obvious; but, in terms of our discussion, we can look at the freedom
allowed by letting go of ‘convex definitions’. We can reflect on
the powerful sense of liberation that exists in not having to conform
to limited gender guidelines of any kind, in relation to our
individuality. The rapturous visionary context of Tantra is no place
for conventional rationale. Within this poetic paradigm, we can only
immerse ourselves in the efflorescence of our sense fields, and learn
directly from the energy of what
we are in relation to our lovers.

We need
to be able to encounter Tantric theory in the same way as we might
encounter poetry, painting or music. It has been said that Buddhism
has much in common with science, philosophy and psychology; but
Buddhist Tantra cannot be confined by such tight objectifications.
Tantra has more in common with art. 20th century art, celebrates the
uncomfortable counterpoint of conflicting notions, as an exploration
of human experience. Art regards paradox as a convention rather than a
challenge to convention. From this perspective the relationship of men
and women presents a tremendous artistic challenge – the possibility
of discovering the innate undividedness of intuition and logic; chaos
and pattern; randomness and design; freedom and commitment;
subjectivity and objectivity; wisdom
display and method
display. To arrive at such a preposterous realisation we
need to be able to enter the view of Tantra, as art. Within this field
of intuitive openness, the paradoxical undividedness of these
word-pairs relate to romantic love as enlightened dance.

As we
explore the perceptual field of romance, we discover that the
intrinsic eroticism of being plays itself out in every aspect of
existence. Tantra is often misconstrued as being a degraded form of
Buddhism which focuses on coital positions. But although Buddhist
Tantra includes human sexuality, its parameters are far broader than
the perverse phalocentric methodologies which deify techniques and
systematic approaches to love. Buddhist Tantra is fundamentally
sexual; but the sexuality it expresses concerns the coital union of
existence and non-existence. It explores the non-dual matrix of
emptiness and form. It delves into the dramatic dimension of dance, in
which we cannot extricate ourselves from the vast and subtle sexual
embrace of each shining moment.

As human
beings, within the perpetual prison of duality, we experience
form-reality in terms of distorted gender. We experience
‘division’ in terms of mutually destructive patterns of attraction
and aversion. Our relationships with each other reflect our estranged
relationship with enlightenment. According to Tantra, the primary
difference between women and men lies in the reversal of the outer
and inner qualities of
being. Women have outer wisdom
qualities and inner
compassion qualities. Men have outer
compassion qualities and inner
wisdom qualities. When we realise these qualities, we dance
together as khandros and pawos; and our energies mirror each other.
But when this realisation is not present we merely teeter and clump.

Within
the Tantric vision, all women are secretly
pawos, and men are secretly
khandros. Khandro means ‘sky-dancer’. The sky dancer is at home in
the fluid play of chaos – uninhibited by the need to concretise or
define. She expresses the inexpressible through whimsy, the
non-rational, and the unexpected. Pawo means hero or warrior, and
signifies the pure appropriateness that has no need for the illusion
of firm ground. The warrior is fearless, not because death has been
nonchalantly objectified, but because death is experienced with every
moment. For the warrior the birth and death of every Mind-moment are
fully experienced – enabling him to live with totality in the present
moment.

The pawo
quality of men manifests as outer compassion/power, which arises
energetically from inner wisdom/sensitivity. In relative terms; outer
compassion/power reflects itself in the overt and subtle appearance of
men displayed through: intellect;
objectivity; productivity; performance; angularity; acuteness;
accuracy; precision; sympathy; methodology; systematisation;
inventiveness; structural creativity; persuasiveness; directiveness;
conclusiveness; linearity of apprehension; singularity of perception;
reductivity; discrimination; discernment and rationality.
But, when the vital connection with inner wisdom/sensitivity is
obscured through clinging to dualistic perception, the outer
wisdom/power stiffens into aggression, intolerance and manipulation.
Unless a man is a true warrior, he finds the khandro
terrifying – she completely
undermines him with her inchoate spaciousness. Unless a woman
recognises her pawo potential she finds the pawo
overpowering – she is utterly
overawed by his unending effectiveness.

Men need
to be in contact with their sensitivity; and women need to be in
contact with their power. Without this, we become distracted from
awareness of our essential nature. Our energies become distorted and
we flounder in a fog of forgetfulness, in which our outer qualities
become discordant. The person who could be our opportunity for
liberation becomes our co-dependant
imprisoned prisoner.

When a
man loses contact with his inner-quality, his outer-quality becomes
distorted. Disconnected from his inner khandro (his secret wisdom) his
outer-quality becomes distorted. What should be spontaneously
manifested compassion, becomes neurotic assertiveness. This
assertiveness ranges from dominance to violence, depending to what
extent his inner khandro has become occluded. With regard to his
spiritual life, he could becomes an academic or a great debater. He
could become a ‘cosmic gorilla’ with ‘spiritual muscles’ – a
guru who claims to be the ‘world teacher’.

When a
woman loses contact with her inner-quality, her outer quality becomes
distorted. Disconnected from her inner pawo (her secret compassion)
her outer quality becomes distorted. What should be spontaneously
manifested wisdom, becomes decorativeness. This decorativeness ranges
from inconsequentiality to superficial obsession with surface
appearance, depending to what extent her inner pawo has become
occluded. With regard to her spiritual life, she seems satisfied to
arrange the flowers in the shrine room. She becomes a ‘delicate
devotee’. There is no sense that she will ever actually practise;
but if she does, she cultivates ‘beautiful experiences’ with which
to ornament her psyche.

Women are
attracted to the distorted male image, because they seek to reconnect
with power. Women have a natural relationship with power; but if they
fail to realise it, they become drawn to seeking it externally.
However, women are also attracted to men through recognising the
reflection of their inner pawo. Both happen simultaneously.

Men are
attracted to the distorted female image because they seek to reconnect
with sensitivity. Men have a natural relationship with sensitivity;
but, if they fail to realise it, they become drawn to seeking it
externally. However, men are also attracted to women through
recognising the reflection of their inner khandro. Both happen to
both: simultaneously – enlightenment and unenlightenment flicker.

As long
as a woman attempts to find her inner pawo vicariously through
seducing a man by means of her distorted outer sensitivity, she is
likely to lose her power. She stands a good chance of being dominated
by an emotionally inarticulate aggressor. As long as a man tries to
obtain his inner khandro through wooing or coercing a woman by means
of his distorted outer power, he is likely to encumber himself with a
vacuous household servant whom he has stripped of inspiring qualities.
Although these are caricatures of people who have worked hard to
obscure their inner qualities; everyone finds themselves on a
continuum that includes these caricatures. It is not possible to
obtain what we want through getting what we want. We need to look
within ourselves for completion rather than trying to find completion
in other incomplete people. If we already have the connection with our
inner pawo or inner khandro then we no longer need to find anything
outside ourselves.

At this
point, we can begin to dance with each other. Something else arises,
which replaces our unrequitable need. Once this need dissolves into
its own empty nature; a tremendous appreciation for each other can
arise. This sense of appreciation arises, because we catch glimpses of
completeness in ourselves. No matter how distanced we are from our
inner qualities, our enlightened nature continually sparkles through.
The frequency of sparkling depends on how much we cooperate with the
sparkling or how much we resist it.

For a Ngakpa,
one of the most important vows is never to disparage women. For
Ngakpas, women are the source of
wisdom, and their practice is to
see the phenomenal world as female – as wisdom-display. When the world
is seen as the scintillating dance of the khandros, the inner khandro
is incited. The vow for a Ngakma
is to regard the entire phenomenal world as male – as method-display.
Men and women who enter into this reality, relate with each other
through appreciation of the dance of inner and outer qualities. When
we waken to the nature of our inner qualities, we are able to mirror
each other. We are able to undermine each other’s conditioning
rather than entrenching each other in dualistic patterns. It is not
possible to describe or explain how to see
the world in this way, because fundamentally this capacity itself
arises from the open dimension of being in love. Falling in love is a
spiritual experience if we can recognise it. If we can catch the
reflection of our inner qualities before we have begun to concretise
our relationship, then falling in love is the most remarkable
opportunity that life has to offer.

This
article—written for a general readership—was commissioned by a
magazine but was never published due to liquidation of the publishers.
It was based on the book Entering the Heart of the Sun and Moon
by Ngak’chang
Rinpoche and Khandro Déchen,
a commentary on the Khandro Pawo Nyi-da Mélong Gyüd (mKha’
’gro dPa bo nyi zLa me long rGyud), which is a Dzogchen
men-ngag-dé teaching from the gTérma of Khyungchen
Aro Lingma.Entering the Heart of the Sun and Moon, published by Aro Books, 2009.