-- Surviving. Living. Hoping. -- Recurrent Pregnancy Loss & Adoption

-- Surviving. Living. Hoping. -- Recurrent Pregnancy Loss & Adoption

Is Everything Falling Apart?

* Note I almost did not share this post and may take it down. I am sharing it because it’s a very real part of my journey, but it is flirting with the line of sharing too much of our possible child’s story. Also, note that this post is about my fears. I realize there are many people involved in adoption, but today, I am not discussing anyone’s possible perspective but my own.

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Where do I start? How do I even begin to say this?

We got bad news today.

Really bad news.

News that has the ability to force us to walk away from this adoption match, just days before baby is expected to arrive.

I don’t even know how to think. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. I feel blindsided and devastated. I’m scared that Baby MPB may be slipping through our fingers.

I’m scared. So incredibly scared.

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The potential birth father has refused to sign his relinquishment papers. Evidently it’s because he’s adamant the child is not his so he wants nothing to do with this pregnancy and/or this child.

But, even though he refuses because he wants nothing to do with this baby, it causes us a lot of problems. His refusal to sign means we are now in a high risk adoption. An adoption where a potential birth father will not sign cannot proceed until 30 days after the baby is born. So, assuming the potential birth mom goes through with the adoption plan, the adoption still cannot proceed. In all likelihood, baby will go into foster care for 30 days to give the birth father the required legal time to petition the courts to get the baby. If we were able to start caring for the baby and would have to wait it out in the baby’s birth state until the 30 days passes. After 30 days, if he doesn’t come forward, his rights would be terminated.

In some ways that doesn’t sound too bad or too risky because the birth father is not expressing interest in raising the child. But, it’s not that straight forward or simple.

The first significant problem is logistics. We would be stuck in the USA for 30 days for the birth father rights to be terminated. Then, we’d be stuck for another 2-3 weeks until the adoption is processed through multiple states and internationally. Honestly, we are already about 80k USD into this adoption. 6-7 weeks of USA hotel bills and no income from our jobs at home, really just isn’t an option. The logistics just won’t work.

Secondly, and more importantly, if the birth father chooses to change his mind and challenge the adoption at any point in the 30 days, we would face giving baby back. He could change his mind on day 29 of baby’s life and we would have to give baby back or start a legal battle to keep baby. The most significant problems that currently come to mind are:

I cannot imagine the emotional devastation Mr. MPB and I will go through if we have to give baby back after so much time. I honestly cannot even go there. Because of this, we already made it clear to our legal team that if the birth mom requests 30 days we are walking away. So, to take a different approach with the birth father doesn’t make any sense. This isn’t easy for me to even think about, but we know we have to do what’s best of us, and protecting our hearts might just be what’s best for us right now.

We are not in the least bit interested in a legal battle to keep a child whose biological father wants to parent. This is not the adoption story we want to share with our child as they grow up. This isn’t the story our child deserves.

Today, we realize this might be the end of this match. We are in a holding pattern right now, unable to make any sort of decision or plan any sort of next step.

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Oh I’m so sorry to hear about this. It must be incredibly stressful. I know that you wouldn’t ever want to do “adoption at any cost” for this child, and I want to thank you as an adopted person for putting the child first. X

Gotta go with your heart here. I do kind of get the guys position. If he isn’t the father and signs papers, I can see where it would be a headache. What a shitty turn. Whatever you decide we’re all here to help you. 🙂

This is some really disheartening news. I really hope that the biological male factor (I’m sorry I can’t call him a father) changes his mind. I guess I don’t understand why he won’t sign the papers if he insists that he isn’t the biological. I would assume he would just sign and be done with it. It’s probably more than you can share, but I wonder if they can do a paternity test and have him sign when it comes back. I almost feel like it’s better if the biological male is unknown…… I also wonder if the birth mother is working on getting him to just sign the papers already and being done with it. Can you find a short term rental for cheap? Check airbnb.com for rentals.

Either way, I hope that everything works out for you, and that you can finally walk (trip) out of the hospital with a baby in your arms.

I really hope this works out for you. If only it wasn’t such a complicated legal situation! I guess situations like this are why people campaign to simplify adoption processes (I know groups in Australia are working towards this).

I want to say in response to some of the comments that I know MPB would never want an adoption through coercion. As someone who was adopted shortly after birth, the one thing that is a comfort to me is that my first mother met my parents and was willing for them to adopt me. No money changed hands other than a small admin fee (cost of a couple of drinks in London!). So although I’m sure that she’s not unscathed in this, I feel at least that she had some level of choice.

For people saying “He’s so horrible; why doesn’t he sign the papers when he doesn’t want to parent?” – hold up here. Are you seriously suggesting that a man should sign away the paternity rights of (potentially) another man’s child? Can you imagine if that was the case and MPB took the baby home and that the real bio father then wanted to parent?

It is an absolutely heart wrenching situation and I am sending lots of love to MPB and Mr. I know from this blog the journey they’ve been on. I also know how much they have explored the implications of adoption and as any other adoptive parents, fear a failed adoption. It must be absolutely terrifying to think of losing a baby you already think of as your son.

But please don’t wish for a man to sign away another man’s paternal rights. Nobody should want to become a parent without knowing that everything possible was done to give the child’s first parents the opportunity to parent. As an adopted person, I am telling you that there IS an impact from not growing up with your first family – many of us might be fine (I am) but a child’s bio heritage is not something to be tossed away lightly.

I know MPB and her husband have thought this through and done everything they can to make sure that this child will be loved and looked after. I hope for their sake that the uncertainty is figured out, and most of all I hope that this little boy ends up with loving parents. Xx

I’m behind on reading, I’m hoping there are happier posts ahead… I simply can not imagine how you are feeling right now. While my daughter was in the NICU, suffering through her premature status, and then battling meningitis and then sepsis, well, there were so many times I felt God was going to take her from me. I know it’s not the same as your situation, but I continue to pray for you. Do you know anyone in the US who you could stay with to save some money? We have a ton of extra space in our house. No really, we do…

I haven’t been on the wordpress too much lately, so I am really sorry to come on and read that you are having these problems. It must be absolutely agonising for you. I really hope that the birth father makes a decision one way or another and stops holding you to ransom like this. It isn’t fair. I really hope that the situation improves, thinking of you xxx

The birth or not-birth father most likely has no idea on God’s earth what this is doing to your heart and your mind.

If another person in my life tells me to “just adopt” I think I’m going to have some very straightforward words for them. Adoption is not easy to say the least. Somehow people in the US (and probably other countries) think you can just put your name on some list and within the year you have a baby for a few thousand $$. WRONGO!

YOU KNOW you will get support through your blog if your adoption fails, but I know this is not really comforting. You want a baby. You want a child. You want to raise a baby with a mommy (you) and a daddy (Mr. Pibb).

It’s the WORST, WORST, WORST, WORST when you want something and you can’t have it or when you do get it, it’s fuzucked beyond all recognition. My heart goes out to you. I hope that the “maybe-baby” daddy signs off his rights and you guys can get going on a life with a little one. You’ve paid such a high price already, emotionally, financially and mentally!!!!!!!!!!!

I have no other words so say. I wish you the absolute best. I hope we can hear a happy success story from you. You know we (your blog readers) care about you and will support you throughout this whole mother-fucking ordeal!

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