Rapper Who Cut Off Own Penis Talks About "Package Deal"...

The Wu Tang rapper who cut off his own penis and jumped off a two-story balcony says it was not a suicide attempt.

- Suicide attempt, no. Stupid? Absolutely.

- The way I see it, either way he came up short.

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A new study on global employment shows that China's work force is shrinking.

- This is because of better technology and also the fact that many workers have decided to go on to higher education...and attend 2nd grade instead.

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A shocking new report says that 35 Disney World employees have tried to meet minors in the park for sex since 2006.

- This explains why "Horny" and "Gropey" have moved in with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

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The Army confirmed that Bowe Bergdahl is on desk duty at Fort Sam Houston.

- He spends most of the day emailing Jihad jokes to his "Tali-Buddies" in Afghanistan.

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Israel and Hamas resumed bombing each other less than 24 hours after Egypt brokered a peace treaty.

- It wasn't so much a peace treaty as it was a little extra time time for everybody to clean and reload their weapons.

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The FAA is probing a New York representative for using a drone to shoot his wedding video.

- Usually the only drone at a wedding is a drunken groomsmen who gives an impromptu embarrassing speech about the groom's previous sex life.

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Oscar Pistorius is in hot water again. While out on bail during his murder trial, he went to a nightclub and got into a fight with another patron. His lawyer says going to the nightclub was "probably a bad idea".