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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Dear 2009,You have made my life a living Hell. Never have I had a worse year. Never have I cried so much, and been so unsure about everything happening to me. You suck 2009, you really, really suck.

Get Out!!

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Dear 2010,I'm really counting on you. Please don't let me down. Please help me to find my place. Help me to not feel alone, and to not feel bitter. Help Husband get back to his job, and therefore back to some semblance of happiness. I don't want much, just the normal things that most people have in life.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Ug, I've totally been avoiding writing. I just have nothing interesting to say.

No word on fertility treatments because there is still no word on Husband going back to his old job. I keep going through these crazy mood swings... I'll be super happy for a week or so, and then really depressed and crying for a couple of weeks. I think I've "gotten over" the miscarriage. I obviously won't even forget it, but I am not so sad about that specifically. I'm just sad about infertility. I'm just sad that it's going to be so hard to have babies. It shouldn't be this hard. I feel like I'm just repeating the other blogs I've written...

Have you ever seen the movie Big Daddy? At the beginning they are having a surprise party and Adam Sandler's character walks in and they all yell "SURPRISE", and then they realize it's not the right person and someone tells him "we wasted the good surprise on you"... that's how I feel. I don't feel that way specifically toward the baby I lost, but just the fact that we wasted the happiness and the surprising our families and everything on something that didn't work out. I know it won't be the same next time I tell Pat. He won't feel the same. I won't feel the same. It won't be the same when we tell our families. I was foolish to let myself get so excited, and I wish I could take that back.

I've got this week and next week off work. I don't know if that is good for me or bad. On one hand I can relax and do stuff around the house. On the other hand... I'll probably just relax and actually do nothing around the house.

I made it through Christmas, and only cried when Pat and I opened cards to each other, which is much better than I thought I would do. We got some good presents, and had a good time with family. I felt really sad a couple of times, but managed to push it back, and not let the emotions get to me. We are going to keep New Years really low key, last year on New Years was my first big break down about ttc. It had been like 9 months of trying, and we knew there was going to be a pregnancy announcement from some friends... and I was fed up. I still am. I decided that going out was probably a bad idea.

More than likely we'll be sitting around, playing the Wii we got :DIt's sooo much fun, and has been great bonding time for Pat and I. We've totally ended up laughing and flirting and just having fun for hours playing the games we have.

I have a lot of personal goals and/or resolutions that I am trying to get in order, and will hopefully get around to posting. In general they involve eating less, working out more, being less bitter about life, and getting my home more organized...we'll see how those go, lol.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Oh my gosh! This past week has been one of the hardest of my life. I honestly thought I was taking the miscarriage, and infertility in general pretty well, until it snuck right up on me and kicked me in the uterus. I have never spent so much time thinking that I hated my life, and wishing I could just erase the last couple of years. I can not stand being sad and depressed, and usually do a good job of pulling myself out of it, but wow... I'm totally going to blame some of it on pms, since AF showed herself on Saturday. I had forgotten how unruly my body was when not on fertility meds, and I had been spotting for over a week when she made her official appearance. So, I am blaming some of my outrageous hormones on that.I've come up with a plan though, to hopefully pull myself out of this funk. Well, when I say I've come up with a plan, what I mean is that my good friends have noticed my serious crappy state of mind and want me to seek some counseling, andddd that is what I'm going to do. Right now I'm just trying to figure out if I want to go through our medical insurance (I emailed my doc yesterday) or if I want to pursue counseling through the church I attend. Both have the pros, but I don't really feel like either have their cons. I am really trying to avoid medication, and am hoping I can deal with it all naturally. I feel really drawn to going through the church, even though they are not licensed counselors... I may just do both, lol.My Hubs has been such a trooper through all of this. He's held me while I've cried, and made me laugh with ridiculous jokes. I am soooo thankful that I have a supportive husband who understands that I am a crazy, grieving, infertile woman who sometimes just freaks out for no reason at all. We celebrated 9 years together the other day, and vowed that we'd do all we could to make the rest of our years together infinitely better than the last couple have been. I know he'll make such an amazing father some day.

Oh! Shout out to a fabulous friend who got her bfp last week!!! YAY!!! Our flawed logic was totally correct! You deserve it lady!

About Me

Hi, I'm Tori, I'm 24, Husband is 27. I started writing this blog to document our journey through infertility. At this point we are looking at male factor infertility and hopefully nothing on my side. Thanks for joining us on this journey to insanity :D oh! and hopefully a baby or two!
<3

BUY THIS BOOK

This book, by Melissa Ford, creator of the blog Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters, and also of the video at the bottom of my blog is a must have if you are dealing with infertility. As she has said before "No one needs to be alone in this suckhole"