Mum’s been poorly since Dad died three years ago. She’s had knee replacement surgery, been diagnosed with angina and we are waiting for the results of tests to see if she has throat cancer.

I’ve already quit my part-time job in a shop to be her companion and help ferry her around. Every day I drive her to visit her friends, who live far away and are also frail, and I don’t get back to my home until late.

My relationship with my husband and children is suffering. They resent me for being away all the time. More than ever, I need my husband to pick up some of the slack at home, but he has a high-pressure office job and is terrified he’ll be sacked if he isn’t seen to be putting in the hours.

I feel worn out and get increasingly stroppy with him. He wants me to find other help and support for my mum to free up time for us as a family.

If scientists were cloning people and they could make two of me, I’d be a very happy woman! What do you think I should do?

Sophie

Dear Sophie,

Caring for an elderly or sick relative is an incredibly emotional and difficult job. When they look back, many people regard it as a privilege but, when we’re in the throes of the situation, life can sometimes feel intolerably hard.

There will often be a tension between wanting to do our best and needing to live our own life. It’s normal to feel like this. While I sympathise with your mum’s situation, it’s time to put your family first. They’re being neglected. As much as you love your mum, you must not be constantly at her beck and call, otherwise her demands could cost you your marriage.

Care-giving can put a big strain on relationships because it demands that everyone in the family adjusts and makes sacrifices. So first, turn your attention to your husband. Have a heart-to-heart with him about everything.

Plan a date night once a week, even if it’s just eating fish and chips from the wrapper and watching a DVD in your bedroom with the door locked so you can grow close again.

And you must have a serious conversation with Mum. Let her know you love her and will still care for her, but you can’t be available every minute of the day. This will take a lot of willpower from you.

If she needs other people to provide care when you’re not there, talk to her doctor about what arrangements can be made. Investigate respite care, day centres and other help that may be available.

She may hesitate and insist on having you but this isn’t healthy for either of you. You might try talking to her about why.

Finally, invest in yourself. We can get so caught up in other people’s needs that our lives become one big to-do list. Care-giving is rewarding and necessary but it shouldn’t consume us to the point of damaging our health and closest relationships.