But not so fast. Quade might not be the done deal dead duck everyone thinks. I hope that didn’t prompt you to pass part of a meal through your nose. I apologize if I caused you to throw up in your mouth. But Quade’s return remains a possibility.

I’ve yet to have another chance to watch “Office Space,’’ which might be where all the clues are, based on Theo Epstein’s references to Milton Waddams and his red Swingline stapler and being moved to the basement, so I’ll go by Epstein’s appearance Wednesday on “The Mully and Hanley Show’’ on WSCR-AM 670. The new Cubs Moses not only launched into greater detail of the qualities he demands in a manager, but seemed to list them in order.

He cited leadership first -- leader of players and coaches without having to tell everyone about your authority all the time.

Next came master psychologist. Epstein doesn’t believe all players are created equal and thus cannot be treated equally.

Last came tactician, specifically incorporating much of the new math with the old eye test.

Epstein said it was a “high standard we look for’’ in a manager. That doesn’t mean high profile. Perfect example: Do you know who Epstein’s finalists were in his first big hire in Boston?

And don’t forget Garza’s flat ignoring Quade’s orders not to swing the bat to avoid a double play that would give Starlin Castro a chance to get his 200th hit at home. That incident seems to raise questions about all three qualities.

Asking a guy to strike out so another player can compete for an individual honor is a joke -- laughable leadership, psychologically conflicting about respecting the game, and not about winning. Tip to Quade: Don’t bring this up with Theo.

The ridiculousness of batting Jeff Baker third or fourth or batting him period, along with starting Reed Johnson could be argued to be a combination of psychology and stats. There’s no way Quade could’ve guessed that Epstein would take over, no way, but it’s worth noting that Epstein said Francona’s greatest qualities were playing psychologist while embracing mathematical probabilities.

Quade was playing percentages and playing veterans differently than kids, specifically Tyler Colvin. The Cubs traded Kosuke Fukudome expressly to give Colvin two solid months of at-bats. Except Quade wasn’t listening. His moves made no sense unless viewed against the backdrop of survival.

But you wonder now if Quade had another plan. Was he playing the odds that the new guy, whoever he was, would evaluate him on more than wins and losses? Could he have figured that the opposite of Jim Hendry is sabremetrics?

It would be a good guess, for sure. Even with zero foresight, Quade could bumble his way to becoming a laughingstock but spin it with some plausible deniability. It’s a reach, but people have gotten suckered worse. I mean, some fool wasted millions on Carl Crawford and John Lackey.

You get the feeling that Quade commands as little respect among Cubs players as Terry Bevington did in the White Sox clubhouse 15 years ago. Quade isn’t the clown that Bevington was, but he has some clown-like ways, starting with his cloying use of nicknames.

And yet, Bevington survived 1996 as an idiot into 1997, the perfect fool to have in place when Chairman Reinsdorf approved the indelible quitter’s act known as the “White Flag’’ trade.

I can’t see Quade getting as lucky as Bevington. Then again, Milton Waddams ended up with a lot more than just a red Swingline.