Suma
was looking gorgeous in her new white Kanchivaram saree with dark
green border, as she was being slowly led to the mane (Dais) by
her sister-in-law. She had a shy sparkle on her face, which seemed
to be echoed by the emerald necklace and the earring that she
wore. It was a moment of great joy for the entire family.

Suresh stood on the side, watching his bride parade in this novel glamour.
It was a ladies affair, so the men took the sides, while the ladies
managed the center stage. Amma and Atte (Sumas mother and mother-in-law)
were beaming like the marigolds in summer. There was such a festive
mood; the entire gaze was concentrated on Suma. Suresh was trying hard
to catch a glimpse of his beautiful wife, which was being constantly
obstructed, by the ladies flocking around her. Suma was in her ninth
month of first pregnancy. According to the doctor there was about three
weeks left for the new arrival while Ajji (grandmother) predicted a
girl in about a week. The entire family had assembled to bless Suma
on her Srimantha (A social/religious get together hosted by the grooms
parents in the ninth month of pregnancy  similar to baby shower).
One could recollect the scene from Indian Mythology where Annapurna
served nectar to devas, as Suma served us kshera with a silver spoon
after the ceremonies.

Kusuma was looking pale and weak; a white hospital gown covered her
bony frame. The sparkle in her eyes seems to have given way to a dark
void in its place. The rosy lips that carried a smile looked dry and
faded. The dark hair that was once well platted and decorated with Jasmine,
lay spread and scattered on the white pillow. The hands that had once
jingled with colorful bangles and had blessed me a good number of times,
lay bare on the green bedspread. The spring outside the four walls,
failed to stir the gloomy weather inside. Suresh sat next to their bed,
staring at Kusuma waiting for the rare event when she would open her
eyes and try expressing herself. She had been in this state for over
two weeks now. The deterioration happened very fast.

About a month ago, on their wedding anniversary; Kusuma had covered
up the physical pain, wore a smile on her face and had accompanied Suresh
and their only daughter Rupa to temple and dinner. Kusuma had discovered
that she had breast cancer about two years ago, which was revealed to
Suresh only after his return from US. She had the slightest intent of
disturbing him from his professional responsibilities. He was after
all toiling day and night to save some money for Rupas wedding
and pay off the apartment that they had bought a decade ago. Suresh
was quite shocked when he learnt about the medical condition of his
wife, and had put her through a surgery, chemo and other modern therapy.
Very little had changed. Kusuma not only suffered the agony of the host
decease but also the side effects of the therapy. She seldom complained,
lest Suresh might feel that he left any stone unturned in getting her
treated.

The strain on the smiling face became apparent as days went by. During
the last two weeks, Kusuma had gone from taking only a few steps to
being unable to getup or even open her eyes and respond to Rupa, crying
out Amma.

Suma had just finished a sumptuous lunch and was napping, while her
mother-in-law and Ajji were catching up on TV sitcoms. The situation
on TV was tense as always, for Maya had just reveled to Tamarai that
GJ (Tamaris hubby) had a second wife who was none other than Chelvi,
Tamarais best friend. Owing to the tension Ajji has pulled the
cotton in her hand too hard that the traditional wick, tore in two.
Atte (mother-in-law) could not believe, how an educated and well-off
lady like Maya went to this length to avenge her one-sided-love? While
the tension on TV gripped the post lunch sedate afternoon, Suma started
feeling bouts of pain and called out to Amma. Ajji and Amma (Mother-in-law)
rushed to her side at once. After administering Jeera juice, Ajji declared
that what Suma was going through was the labor pain of the good kind
and that she has to be taken to the hospital.

Suresh was summoned out of his client meeting at work and Suma was admitted
to the hospital around godhuli (Around Dusk when the cow would return
back home). Even as Suma tried to keep a brave face and await the coming
of the child, one could see that the shooting pains were unbearable.
Suresh was furious at the hospital staff, as they seemed to do very
little about his wifes condition. The suffering seemed to last
for ever and go on and on. It was not clear; if Suma was to be let to
suffer the pain or if surgical means were to be employed to bring the
baby to this world.

Finally at around mid-night a baby girl was delivered. Suma was so exhausted
by the end of it all, that she was unconscious by the time Indira was
cleaned and brought to her side. It had been a week since Suresh had
slept or shaved. He was looking exhausted and worn out. He sat close
to Kusumas bed and watched over her, as she struggled over every
breath. It looked like an evil plot between Yama and Vayu (God of death
and God of armosphere), Vayu stealing all the oxygen around Kusuma while
her lungs gasped with great struggle for it, to stay alive till Yama
could come and take her away. The oxygen cylinders brought in the night
before had made very little difference. The doctors had given up hope
and said it was just a matter of time. While the absolute truth about
all of us having to leave this earthly abode is clear, the anxiety around
death is unbearable.

Some people tend to think that, one is better prepared for the loss
of a loved one by an ailing disease, as in the case of Kusuma as opposed
to a sudden death as in the case of an accident. Suresh and Kusuma had
shared the ups and downs, joys and sorrows, haves and have-nots of life
for over thirty years now, that living even a day without each other
sounded impossible. The day passed by unbearably slow, everything felt
so uncertain without a clue what the next moment had in store. Various
relatives and friends came and went.

The place looked busy and festive, yet felt so empty and desolate. No
one knew what the right things were to say to Suresh or Rupa, some just
held them and assured them, that all will be well, others said words
of wisdom and philosophy while others talked good about Kusuma. Suresh
was not sure, if his own mother or daughter understood his grief and
emotion. It was getting dark outside and was time for the lamps to be
lit in front Gods alter. Paati (Sureshs mom, Rupas
granny) asked Rupa to do so; for come what may the light of our life
glows on. The doctor visited again by around nine, stood watching Kusuma
for a bit, patted Suresh on his shoulder with warmth and silently walked
out. Amma (Sureshs mom) called Suresh to her side and said, "Its
hard to see Kusuma suffer, talk to her and tell her that its ok for
her to leave, and that you will take care of yourself and Rupa
you were her whole and sole, she is finding it hard to leave you guys
and move on " wiping her tears with her pallu. (edge of the
sari) Suresh hugged his mom and wept.

He then went to the bathroom to freshen up and talk to Kusuma. With
moist eyes and warm emotion, Suresh held Kusumas hands and communicated
with her in silence. He looked at her eyes as they (her eyes) looked
at the sky, remembering the day when his sight had first met hers, on
the day when he and his family had gone to meet her and her family for
the first time. The shy naughty sparkle in her eyes had so taken him;
for he had decided to stay in their shades for the rest of his life
(or hers was it ?) For a split second, it felt like good old days were
back Kusuma looking at him with her deep sparkling eyes, teasing
him with a slight smile at the edge of her lips when a loud gasp
for air was heard and the room went total silent. The struggle over
the breath was over, the anxieties of the day had ended prevailing
the ultimate reality, death.

White line drawings (ma kolam) and floral decorations of the entrance
way reflected the joy in the hearts of the people residing inside the
threshold. Indira was twelve days old, a ball of joy wrapped in silk
and wool. The tiny fists were tightly closed, which she had used to
rub her sleepy little eyes, smearing the black eye paste all over her
rosy cheeks. Ajji (Indiras great grand mom) was so overjoyed to
have a baby girl home, after two generations of male kids. Amma (Sumas
Mom) had a slight hankering that a first male child would have been
nice. Suma and Suresh were so lost in their ball of beauty that it hardly
mattered if it were a boy or girl. The little girl wore small jingles
on her ankles, black and silver beads on her wrist and smelled fresh
with dhoop (Sambrani) having been given her daily oil bath and traditional
drying. A few close relatives had assembled to take part the ritual
of putting the baby in the cradle. The little time that Indira opened
her eyes to feed, she seemed puzzled to see all kinds of strange faces
trying to pick her up and talk to her, thrusting a roll of folded currency
into her small fisted palms. Its a south Indian tradition (finding
its origin in the Bhagavatham), to place a new born child in the cradle
on the tenth day of birth, and bless the child to grow strong and righteous,
like the stone used to grind the Idli dough. As the tenth day happened
to be an Amavyasa (new moon day), the twelfth day was picked to put
Indira in the cradle. A decorated cradle stood waiting to receive her,
while the ladies tried to pass the grinding stone above and below it
before Indira was to occupy the cradle. It was not clear whether Indira
enjoyed the festivities or if her baby nap was getting disturbed. These
disturbances seemed like a preparations for the various challenges that
she might have to face during the course of her life.

Suresh had to get up early and meet the priests, to work through the
twelfth day rituals of his wife. As the couple had no male offspring
and Kusuma had no brothers, Suresh had to perform all her last rights.
In the Hindu scheme of things, the soul of the departed being, is said
to be with its loved ones for twelve days and its given a decent send
off and united with its soul - three generations of ancestors (sapindas)
with the Sappindi ritual. The rituals go over for more than, half a
day concluding with the sumptuous meal to the departed prata atma (Soul)
followed by sumptuous meal to the Brahmins representing the ancestral
three generations of the departed soul.

As the day was progressing towards dusk, Suresh realized that the symbolic
lamp that was kept aglow the past days was no longer around. Kusuma
moved on from the mortal world to join her immortal ancestors in the
higher plane of existence. She might come back here again in a different
form . Various thoughts and blurred visions kept Suresh in a zombie
state until, Amma stood before him with a steaming cup of coffee and
called out to him. As she handed him the cup of coffee, she sat next
to him patting his shoulder and called out to Rupa, who was napping
in the adjacent room. After one or two calls, a drowsy Rupa came out
and stretched out on the floor with her head on Sureshs lap. Suresh,
gave Rupa a warm pat, as tears rolled down his eyes and dropped on Rupas
cheek . Amma warmly patting Suresh on his shoulder to console

Indira was no longer a sleeping beauty that she was a year ago. Ajji
had given up most sitcoms on TV, to keep Indira company in conversation.
The little girl literally wanted to know about everything, she was curious
and questioning about everything. The world seemed such an exciting
place to her, with her gestures and few broken sounds, she was able
to communicate with Ajji, who only seemed to have the patience to explain
to her. Amma was proud of her grand daughter and had stitched a kanchivaram
(kind of silk) pavada (long frock) for her birthday. Indiras first
birthday happened to be on the same day; both, by the Julian calendar
and the Hindu calendar, which is a rare occurrence. The same day held
two kinds of celebrations for her first birthday, the first (primary)
half a spiritual/religious endeavor at the local temples, with few close
relatives. Indira looked like a little damsel in her blue pavada, she
was all ready to get out of the house, tugging on her dads hands to
hurry up what was she in a hurry for?

As the younger ladies were adding final touches to their dressing up,
Ajji was getting impatient lest the auspicious muhartam (time) to start
the religious events would pass. "After all, we are heading to
the temple, and the affairs are related to devotion with the one (God)
who has seen and known us in our best and worst, is being presentable
not enough why does it need an extra touch of Glamour", was
Ajjis thoughts on dressing up to the temple. Suma, shouted from
inside . "Ajji, God needs to see the best of me, when I am
willingly going to see him.." with a giggle. After these friendly
taunts back and forth the entire family decked in silk and white cotton
left for the temple with flowers and fruits. Indira, was at the front
in her dads arms with very little realization that it was
her birthday thats being celebrated.

Things have not been the same, during the course of the past year. Suresh,
had found a lot of solace in his reading and writings, to cope with
the loss of Kusuma. Amma had managed to take up the kitchen responsibility,
with some aid from Rupa. Rupa kept her dad company and concentrated
on her final year exams. Suresh, was happy with the fact that a conducive
alliance had come by for Rupa, who were willing to wait till her exams
were over and Kusumas first devasam (first death anniversary)
had passed. Rupas would be, Raghu, occupationally dropped in for
a dinner or Sunday coffee, when the family shared a light moment and
let the past rest. It had not been easy for any one to get used to the
changes, but time had shown each a different path to cope with the situation
and continue on with the affaires of life. The first devasam was generally
a longer affair compared to the ones to follow in later years. Suresh,
to some extent was loosing interest and faith in these timely rituals,
after having gone through the 12th day, the monthly and bi-monthly ceremonies
during the course of the year. He was willing to give a whole hearted
himself if it were to let Kusuma be in peace, where ever she might be.
The family got back home after the Devasam meal, to rest a bit before
Suresh and Rupa could go and attend the First year birthday of Sureshs
very close friends grand daughter, Indira.