I had officially been baptized in the online dating world. My first two experiences had taught me that people will allow previous relationships to creep into their existing situation at any moment. Why is that? Do we not allow enough time to fall back in love with our own self after a relationship ends before seeking a new one? I took almost a two month break from dating after my previous relationship ended. It was now time to go back to the old drawing board. I reactivated my online dating profile and went searching for a new woman to date.

One feature that I had never tried on the dating site was to look at women that the site felt would be compatible to me based on key words within my profile. While browsing through my potential matches, I was drawn to a short-haired brunette that was a mortgage banker. While pondering a line to use in my email to grab her attention, an instant message pops up on my computer. It was actually her and apparently the site had recommended me to her as well. I had never done instant messaging on the site. It was a little odd at first, but much quicker than the constant emailing back and forth.

Unfortunately, she lived in same area of town where the “Closet” incident occurred. So needless to say, I was a little hesitant. She cut right to the chase and asked if we could meet for drinks the next night. I agreed and told her that I would pick her up. I pick her up at her house and she directs me to her favorite neighborhood bar. As I am driving, I start having “Closet” flashbacks and hope that his date turns out better.

I notice that the place is packed as I am pulling into the parking lot. We finally manage to find two seats at the end of the bar. The music is so loud we can barely hear each other talk. All I hear her tell the bartender is “Two Long Island Iced Teas, please.” I think that she has ordered for both of us. I hadn’t drank a Long Island Iced Tea since college. The bartender sits both glasses near her. My date then asks, “What are you going to drink?” I just order a beer and think that this date maybe over soon so there’s no reason to get crazy. She was done with her first glass before I was half way through my beer. She tells me that she just loves Long Island Iced Teas because she can hardly taste the alcohol.

The first glass seemed to relax her and before I knew it, she was telling me her entire life story. She finishes her second drink just as I am taking the last sip of my beer. The bartender quickly provides her with a third Long Island Iced Tea and I decide to order another beer. Our conversations are now filled with laughter as we discuss the craziness on the dance floor. In just over an hour since walking into this bar, my date had consumed four Long Island Iced Teas. I had only drank two beers at this point and I am noticing a slur in her speech.

Before I know it, she falls off her bar stool and is laying on the ground. I go to help her up and she is just dead weight. The bartender and I are able to prop her up against the bar, just in time for her to get sick. It goes all over my pants and shoes. Now, I am grossed out and embarrassed. I start gagging because the smell of vomit is so close. Her t-shirt has been transformed from a bright white to a brown stained mess.

The other bar patrons are completely grossed out and are fixated on the me trying to walk an intoxicated woman out of the bar. As soon as we walk outside she throws up again. I manage to finally get her into my car and start driving to her house. Along the way, we have to stop two more times so that she can puke. Wouldn’t you know it as soon as I pull into her driveway she gets sick in my car as she tries to open the car door.

I help her to her front door and she apologizes for everything. She tells me she understands if I never want to see her again. My thoughts exactly! I hop back in my car and my mission now is to find the nearest car wash. I can now eliminate any women that live in this part of the city in my future dating searches. I obviously need to redo my profile description and remove any key words that references Long Island or Iced Tea.

3 Responses to “Long Island Iced Tea”

I would say taking a scientific approach you could map out where the good, bad, and ugly dates have taken place, and cross reference that with where they live/born or raised, and then see if that helps zero in on a “fertile” dating ground? Or just wing it….