Part of being a testing psychologist is explaining results to worried parents. Parenting hits us at the tenderest parts of our heart. Recently, I was providing feedback on testing I had done with a bright 7-year-old with severe learning disabilities. There were parts of testing that were poignant, for example, the 7 minutes and 5 seconds it took her to read a 92-word-long story. She worked so hard only to make 75 errors. Imagine what this child’s school day must be like. Her parents were naturally eager to learn what they could do to support literacy development. They also had questions about how to boost their child’s self-esteem. Then I got a question I’d not previously heard in the 23+ years I have been giving this kind of feedback to parents. “How can we get her to believe that she can do anything?”

As an expert, I know that the speed of my response is important. Answering too quickly gives the impression (sometimes accurately) of not having listened. Answering too slowly gives the impression (sometimes accurately) of not know what I am talking about. In this case, I had a strong gut feeling about the answer but had not gotten my reasoning quite together. So I gave a response that gave me time to think and also framed my thoughts, “I’m not sure that is a healthy goal.”

I went on to recommend focusing on the present, namely, helping their daughter develop academic skills so that she would experience more success. Then I talked about the importance of self-awareness of strengths and weaknesses in success. I gave myself as an example. I’ve never thought I could do anything but I thought there was a lot I could do and that helped me be successful. It was a good enough response, I think, but my thinking was unfinished. I have been mulling this over.

The kids I see in my practice, by and large, have a great deal of difficulty being successful in school. They experience failure over and over. People often try to encourage them by saying, “You can do anything you want to!” The implication is that each of us has all of the ingredients we need to fulfill infinite possibilities.

What does it mean if you can “do anything you want to do” and you still fail?

“You don’t care.”
“You are lazy.”
“You just need to try harder.”

Those are some of the top reasons that I hear from parents, teachers, and the students, themselves. It occurs to me that this is the same fallacy of the American Dream. We can all achieve economic success if we try hard enough. People who are not economically successful just are lazy, not trying, and don’t care.

These are also the punishing expectations for those of us who become physically ill. There’s a slightly different spin but it all boils down to, “your fault”.

None of this is true. Effort, attitude, and motivation can make a difference in coping with adversity but they do not make ALL of the difference.

Believing in a just world can help us feel more comfortable and in greater control. But it is not reality and delusions can be destructive to those who are in need of the most understanding and acceptance.

We can do a lot of things, every one of us. That’s the reality and beauty of humanity. That encourages me. It works against the tyranny of perfectionism and the self-delusion of a “just world” view.

I can’t reach for things if my feet aren’t firmly planted on the ground.

George Lakoff has retired as Distinguished Professor of Cognitive Science and Linguistics at the University of California at Berkeley. He is now Director of the Center for the Neural Mind & Society (cnms.berkeley.edu).