Are you progressively side stepping your partner's sexual advances? Are you feeling pressured and resentful because your partner wants more sex than you? Or, are you the one who's feeling unloved, frustrated and rejected because your partner refuses to make love as often as you want them to?

If this cycle sounds familiar, you're definitely not alone. Research reveals that sexual desire disorders are the most commonly reported sexual complaint. And desire discrepancy  or differing levels of sexual interest  is experienced by about 90 per cent of couples at some stage in their relationship.

After all, it's highly unlikely your desire to eat, sleep, socialise, or exercise will always be perfectly matched with your partner's. Why would it be any different between the sheets?

But the stakes are high when egos and emotions are on the line. Indeed mismatched libidos and sexual power struggles can feel like an insurmountable problem. But with the willingness to reassess your attitudes, negotiate your sexual needs and talk about your sex lives in an honest and respectful way, it's possible to reclaim the intimacy and closeness you're both missing.

A female issue?

Most relationship therapists would agree that low desire is a bigger problem for women, but men aren't far behind. One survey revealed that for several months or more within a 12-month period, 33.4 per cent of women and 15.5 per cent of men reported lack of sexual interest.

In the honeymoon phase of our relationships, sex often happens effortlessly and spontaneously and desire feels mutual. But after about 18 months, different sexual patterns can start to emerge. It can feel confusing and disheartening and you might question whether you're sexually compatible. But if you still love and care for your partner you've got every chance of re-aligning your sex life.

Desire fluctuates for a variety of reasons. Stress, fatigue, depression, anxiety, certain types of medication and ill-health can all contribute to problems. Hormonal changes can cause our sex drives to get out of sync and any underlying resentment or anger towards your partner will also interfere with your motivation to be close.

The blame game

One of the most destructive things you can do is blame one another for your different levels of sexual interest. Some couples start accusing each other of being 'abnormal' and get caught in a vicious cycle where one person continually pursues the other for sex and the other continually withdraws.

Often the person with the lower sex drive is targeted and told that if only they would have more sex the problem would be solved. Eventually, the disinterested person's desire might increase, only to see the other partner lose interest. A crucial step is acknowledging that you are different people with different levels of desire, you're both missing out on the sex and intimacy you deserve and you both need to take responsibility for addressing the issue and making changes.

It can be seriously uncomfortable to talk about your sex lives and to clarify with your partner what you do and don't find arousing, but it's critical in re-establishing and maintaining a fulfilling sex life. Couples experiencing desire discrepancy are encouraged to negotiate their likes and dislikes or to 'split the difference'. It sounds like a cold harsh business proposition but it could maximise your chances of both getting what you want.

If there's not a great difference between your levels of sexual desire, most couples are able to negotiate their sexual activity so they both feel satisfied. However, if the issue is left unresolved for too long, even a small difference in sexual interest can cause tension and unhappiness that festers.

Just do it

A common misconception about sex is that we should feel desire before we 'do it' but the professional opinion is that if we always waited for this to happen, some of us would never have sex again.

Some sex therapists recommend the low desire partner find the 'good will' to have sex  even if they don't feel desire. It's sometimes important to just 'do it' even if you're not in the mood. Once you start, desire and arousal often follow.

Good will relies on feelings of kindness and respect already existing in the relationship. It enables you to be open to your partner and experience sex as an act of love rather than a performance.

Shifting our attitudes towards sex means regarding it as a source of pleasure and intimacy and not just about erections, orgasms and intercourse. Meeting each other's needs might involve expanding your sexual repertoire and discovering other ways to feel emotionally and physically close.

There are many good reasons to nurture your sex life. Sex can be comforting, affectionate, affirming, fun, it helps you get to sleep, it's pleasurable, it's a tension release, it pleases your partner, it gives you a sense of wellbeing and it fosters communication and closeness.

So while tackling the issue might involve summoning the courage for some soul-bearing or potentially embarrassing conversations, the rewards in increased sexual and emotional intimacy could be well worth it.