The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terroralert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent firethat destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing thecountry's military capability.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya andhave therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "ABit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the SpanishArmada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "###### Off" to "Let's get the######." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they havebeen used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective CombatOperations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higherlevels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threatthey are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navycan get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! Ithink we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie iscanceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the finalescalation level.