He Said He Lost Feelings for Me! Why Your Boyfriend May Not Be Gone for Good

“Help, he said he lost feelings for me!” If ever there was panic in a woman’s voice, it would be when she’s saying these words. Hearing your boyfriend say that he’s not sure he loves you anymore or he’s not as “in love” with you as he once was, is life changing. You see the end of the relationship on the horizon and you’d do anything to change that course. Is it doomed once he’s expressed to you that his feelings have indeed changed, or is there still some hope to cling to? My motto is “Don’t give up on him if you still truly love him.” The man is essentially telling you that he’s starting to drift away so you definitely have an opportunity to change that before it’s too late and you lose him for good.

When a man expresses to the woman he’s involved with that he’s lost feelings for her, he’s gauging her reaction. Relationships change over time and many men simply become bored. If your boyfriend feels that the sizzle has long since left your connection, he may see you now as more of a friend than a lover. The fact that he told you what he was feeling, or what he isn’t feeling anymore, instead of just dumping you shows that he’s willing to try to repair whatever damage has occurred. That’s why it’s incredibly important that you don’t overreact to his confession and instead see it as a step towards rebuilding what has been lost.

By the time a man tells his girlfriend that he’s losing interest, he’s already got one foot out the door towards another relationship. In general, men can detach from their girlfriend much easier than she can detach from him. Typically this means that you’re going to have to put in more effort to save the relationship because he’s not as invested in it as he once was. You shouldn’t view this as anything more than a hurdle. You can get past it and reawaken his attention.

Don’t Constantly Talk About What’s Wrong With the Relationship

Your boyfriend is expecting you to panic and go all out in an effort to save the relationship. He’s expecting endless phone calls, gifts, and love notes. In fact, men will tell you that they often use their girlfriend’s reaction to the looming end of the relationship to gauge her commitment. This is a cruel way of judging your feelings and it’s unacceptable. You are not going to fall into this trap. You must make a promise to yourself, right now, that you won’t bring up what he said. If he told you that he’s fallen out of love, or he’s lost feelings for you or he’s not sure of his future, just sigh, smile shyly and tell him that you feel the same way. That one statement on your part, will jerk him right back into reality and the prospect of losing you.

Don’t Try and Make Him Jealous in an Effort to Get Him to Feel Something

As much as it drives us crazy to even consider that our boyfriend is talking to another woman, men just don’t care much either way. If your man has said that he’s not feeling as close to you as he once did, and you suddenly start hanging out with a very attractive man who you refer to as just as “friend,” your boyfriend is going to assume you’ve moved on and he’ll follow suit. Jealousy really has no place in any healthy relationship so don’t try to drag it into yours as a tool to recapture your boyfriend’s love. It won’t work.

Do Get On With Your Own Life

Putting your life on hold while you try and manage your relationship is giving it more value than it needs, at the moment. Your feelings haven’t changed and spending all your time consumed with thoughts about how to change your boyfriend’s feelings is useless and exhausting. He fell in love with you at a time when you were likely self focused, independent and happy. You have to try your best to allow him this time to figure out what he feels while you continue moving forward with your life. Your boyfriend doesn’t want to spend his time with a drama queen so don’t allow yourself the opportunity to fall into that role. Be satisfied with what you have, at this moment.

Do Encourage Your Boyfriend to Take Some Time to Think

Your boyfriend is likely waiting for you to beg him to stay and to give you another chance to show him why he should love you. If you instead, encourage him to take some time to consider what he wants in his life, you’ll be essentially hitting him with a left hook he didn’t see coming. Suggest that he hang out with his friends more, explore his hobbies and pursue his career goals. Make it clear that you’re going to do exactly the same. Men expect us to act a certain way in stressful, emotional situations. If we, instead, act compassionate, strong and in control, it pushes them to address their feelings in a very real way. Nothing makes a man want you more than acting as though you only want to be “his friend.”

I, too, have been in your shoes, on the brink of losing a man I truly and utterly adored. You can learn more about my personal journey towards reconciling with my boyfriend here.

Comments

hello again.
i wrote you about two months ago about needing advice since my ex and i worked together and i wanted him back. i took your advice and about 3 weeks after he broke up with me he asked me to lunch and confessed basically that he had been a fool. he had never truly been in love before and he was scared b/c there were alot of changes in his life, between work and relationship, and it was alot all at once for him. he also said he was scared b/c he felt that he truly loved me and wasn’t sure how to handle this. anyways, we have been dating again for almost a month and a half. we decided to try and communicate better and to also fix thing we saw as problems in the first 8 months of our relationship. i have aggressively been working at my problems but i don’t see him doing the same. the first couple of weeks were great, he was affectionate and we took a mini vaca to seattle, just to get away and have a little romantic time without all our friends around. but here in the last week and half i have noticed he doesn’t want to spend alot of time with me. he said he feels like spending time to himself, he is feeling like being at his place by himself over coming over and spending time with me and it is not bothering him. it certainly bothers me. i have noticed at work and outside work that he has had a total 180 attitude adjustment. he’s picking on people, like a school bully, and i feel less affection from him in ways like the simple brush when he is near me or even in his kisses. but i feel he’s a walking contradiciton. he is taking his days off next week to go visit two friends who live out of town b/c “they miss him”. i miss him too!!! these friends also have a roommate who is in need of help (taking sleeping pills and having bf issues) and my bf seems very concerned like he needs to come to the rescue. i almost feel like i’m not enough of a damsel in distress for him. anyways, i confronted him about the loner issue and he said that i have done nothing wrong, it’s just a thing he feels he needs to do. he’s not breaking up with me but i feel like this is rather selfish behavior, considering he asked me for a second chance and i am giving it to him. please help me, i need your advice once again.

Hi Rae – This sounds like an emotional roller coaster for you with his shifting emotions. You’re completely right in feeling as though this is selfish behavior on his part. It absolutely is! This man did everything right to win you back and now that he has you, he’s looking over your shoulder for anyone else who might need his attention. In essence, by reconnecting with him, you helped satiate his hunger for you. You gave him what he wanted because it was truly what you wanted as well – a second chance. His behavior right now isn’t acceptable at all. He’s discarding you and he’s likely expecting you to be accepting of it because you now are a couple again. This isn’t what you signed up for. Rae, you need to pull back from him for a time. Encourage him to go rescue the damsel in distress and do it with a smile on your face. I promise that he won’t be expecting that reaction from you at all. Then don’t contact him while he’s away and don’t rush to see him when he comes back. Your ex boyfriend (now boyfriend again) needs a subtle lesson in how to treat you. Show him that you’re not about to put up with being pushed into last place. Get busy doing your own thing and his attitude is sure to shift. In life and love, Gillian

Hi Gillian,
I took your advice and pulled back. I was letting him do his thing. I would see him at work only. Anyways, I invited him over to play games with some friends and at first he said yes but then over the week he began saying he might not come. By last friday he basically said he wasn’t going to come over. I was fed up. I asked him if he even wanted to spend time with me or even date me any longer. He said he cares about me and loves having me around at work but that he doesn’t want to come spend time with me outside work. First off, ouch! Second, he could give me no reason why he felt this way, again stating that he just didn’t want to spend time with me. On top of this, he was just plain rude, telling me he felt bad b/c he was using me and I was letting it go on. He said he was just going to be a jerk to me so that I would break up with him. So he’s basically being a selfish, childish coward. I’m not sure how a person can do a complete 180 in just a few weeks. He came to me wanting the second chance and now he is throwing it in my face. So we broke up and now he’s avoiding me at work. Which I guess is the norm, he did that in the beginning last time. I’m just wondering what you think? Should I give up on this guy, b/c I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster with a mad conducter. I love him dearly but when is enough enough?

Hi Rae – “Ouch” is right. He seems to have a bit of a cruel streak, which is common in men who are conflicted over a break up. The thing is Rae sometimes a man will work hard to get a woman back, just to prove to himself he can do it. Men love to feel that they’re still important or relevant to their ex. It’s almost like a game of cat and mouse. Once the cat (your ex boyfriend) catches the mouse (you) he realizes the game is over so he lets you go again. It’s definitely an emotional roller coaster and I think for your own well being it’s time to bail on it. No woman deserves to be treated the way he’s treating you. Your emotions aren’t there for the taking when he chooses. You can show him that by becoming distant, treating him purely as a co-worker and not pursuing him at all anymore. To be direct – your ex boyfriend needs to grow up a bit. Don’t engage in his emotional games anymore. It’s obvious he has feelings for you still. If you truly want to be with him, show him how a mature, emotionally balanced woman demands to be treated by not engaging him when he’s being disrespectful. Let me know how things go. In life and love, Gillian

I am having problems with my bf right now he just told me early that he lost all feelings for me and we got back together 3 hhrs later but he said he feels like i dont understand him but i do and i jsut dont know what to do i want the old bf back where he was crazy for me i need advice Please :’( i truely love him and dont wnna lose him

Hi Briana – Over time men and women alike can become complacent in their relationships. They can start taking their partner for granted because they know deep down inside that their partner will always be there for them. Your boyfriend’s behavior suggests that this is exactly what is going on with him. He broke up with you and then very quickly got back together with you. That suggests that he’s scared of being without you. If you want him to be as crazy about you as he once was, let him see that you’re still an independent woman. Don’t rely on his solely for your happiness. Seek out your own happiness by doing the things you love to do. If you depend on your man for everything he’ll begin to lose interest in you. It’s all about becoming more interesting yourself. That will draw him back to you. In life and love, Gillian

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