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Thunder. Stolen.

This morning I went to my mother's house to drop off Austin, as usual. My sister was on a rampage about some banana bread that she insisted tasted like laundry detergent. Like, going off in the background, assuming my mother had spilled something on the counter and saying things like "it's been a long time since I ate laundry detergent." And on and on. I ignored this and decided not to comment at all.

The problem was with my mom and my mom's husband. Last night, I held Austin up and he kind of "walked" and laughed hysterically while doing it. He would kick out one foot, then the other, as I held him. So I was very excited to show this to my mom this morning. I picked him up and showed how he "walks" and she said "oh, he's been doing that for awhile now."

Thanks. Heartbroken, I reminded her she's not supposed to tell me when he does things at her house. Even if he's been doing things for awhile, just pretend, for my sake, that he did it for me first. Then her husband starts in "oh, he's got another secret, he'll tell you eventually," and giggles. Like a fucking kid. I scolded him for that one, too. He loves to do this stuff "don't tell mommy what we did today!" etc. It's irritating and frustrating and I want to punch him.

It is hard enough going to work every day, knowing that my son is probably doing something new for someone else. It is hard that I only get at most 3 hours a day with him (usually 2, max - 45 minutes in the morning and an hour to an hour and a half at night before he goes to bed). It sucks. I hate being a working mom (and I never, ever though I'd say that). I want to be home with him.

And yesterday, my mom, as I was telling her how I was changing up my schedule so that I could focus solely on Austin when I got home from work (not doing housework or crafting until he goes to bed) and she lectured me on how much one on one time Austin needs from me. How she only works when he's napping, otherwise she's playing with him and talking to him, etc etc.

I don't need the lecture. I feel bad enough right now, I feel guilty enough that I'm not with him as he's growing up. You don't need to make me feel worse. My mom should understand this. She had to work when I was a baby. My grandmother watched me. Brad wonders if my grandmother did this to her, and that's why she's doing it to me. I don't know, and I don't care. You're my mom and you should not be making me feel so shitty.

You are a wonderful mother Melissa, if you weren't this stuff wouldn't bother you. That being said, I cry a lot at work about this. How much I hate being away from her, how much I HATE leaving her with MIL, and all the stuff I miss. Luckily I have been the one to say "oh, she's been doing that for a while now" so far, but seeing pictures of them apple picking with the SIL I dislike yesterday almost killed me. I cranked the music up so Evangeline couldn't hear me sobbing as I drove home. I just keep telling myself that I'm lucky that she's with family and not daycare and gets one on one care, but sometimes my heart doesn't believe it. How can she possibly be ok with anyone but me and Pat. :(

Thanks, SB. Yeah, I understand the apple picking thing, definitely. That's how I felt when Mom took him on the boat. Why should THEY get to do those things with our babies. They had their own babies. But then I think how grateful I am to have my mom to sit for him and I just feel bad getting upset over it.

I did take her apple picking for the first time last year, but she wasn't aware of it. She slept through it. This time she was up and playing and kissing each apple before they put it in the bag. So it's guilt for missing it plus guilt for feeling guilty. I hate being a working mother. I am grateful that I have a job that I love to support my darling, but wish we could afford for me to stay home with her.

I guess all I'm saying is I know just how you feel. Even down to the never thinking I would feel this way.

That would really, really bother me too. Especially, since I know how passive aggressive your family can be. I can imagine Dave's face as he says those things, and it makes me cringe. They think its funny, it's not funny... it's really sad for you :-(

But you are such a great mom and you will be there for so many of his firsts. And I think you'll always feel bad, or guilty, because there is always something more you think you can do. But there's not, you're working so hard to provide for him in every way!

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