Chaos in the CastleorPeace in the Palace?

Did you know that in the scriptures a wife is called a beautiful tiara? That’s right ladies, we're meant to shine in the crown of leadership that sits on the top of our husband’s head.

“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones.” Proverbs 12:4 (NAS)

No wonder diamonds are a girl’s best friend? We are a jewel ourselves! I dare say that I am a diamond in the rough some days, but, nonetheless, still a jewel in my husband’s crown. As a result of that role, I say "let the spring cleaning proceed". It’s time to take out the crowns and polish them up. In order to do that, we have to answer this question first, “Do I want to polish his royal crown or will I tarnish it instead?” You might be asking, “How do I tarnish the crown on his head?” That was a question I had to answer myself, and what I learned as I searched the scriptures for the answer was eye-opening.

The “male ego” is a very fragile thing, and as noble women, we can build that ego up or tear it down by the choices we make as the queen by his side. That ego can easily be wounded, and one of the most common ways women tend to tarnish their husband's crown is with the words they speak. If a wife speaks embarrassment or ridicule to other people about her husband she is tarnishing his crown. In turn, this action affects us as well. If we tarnish their image, we are tarnishing ourselves since we are the crown that sits upon their head. Most importantly, the way a husband interprets this kind of betrayal is the way a king would interpret treason. It means his queen has gone over to the other side and joined the enemy’s ranks.

There is an example in the Bible that quickly comes to mind here, and we can learn from this queen’s mistake. Her husband was King Xerxes, the King of Persia. His wife was Queen Vashti, and boy did she really rub his crown the wrong way. In fact, she tarnished her husband’s royal crown beyond repair. The short of the story is the King had called all the dignitaries and rulers from other lands together for a very important summit. They were discussing war and how to conquer their enemies. On the other side of the royal palace, the queen was having her own party with all the wives. I can imagine they were getting their hair and nails done while talking about the new fashion trends in royal clothing. Unfortunately, Queen Vashti was having so much fun with all the girls that when her King requested her appearance she refused to stop the partying. He had beckoned her to come and dance before their guests, which was customary, but she refused to go. As a result of his embarrassment, he had her put away. In fact many historical papers imply she was possibly beheaded. Her husband’s image of power was tarnished in front of the most important people in the land, in the midst of a war at a crucial time of leadership. She had undermined his authority and he took her betrayal seriously. Maybe the bigger the ego or position, the greater the offense to the king of the kingdom? Whatever the case, his embarrassment caused him to end his marriage and possibly her life over her act of treason. He really had no choice because weakness at a time of war by his most trusted confidant was inexcusable and could cost them the kingdom.

In modern-day times, how can we apply this lesson? I personally learned about my ability to tarnish a crown early on in our marriage when I misspoke a few times in public about my knight in shining armor. To my surprise, Dan quickly confronted me once we were alone. After praying about it, I committed to always present him with nobility by pointing out his strengths versus his flaws to other people. I’ve worked really hard at being sensitive to his request and making sure the shine on his crown stays there.

Let me give you another modern-day example of this “help meet” principle gone awry. Years ago, while Dan and I were out having date-night, we ran into a young couple we knew also on a date from their children. Her husband held a pretty important position in the community. We both shared where we had been on our dates. She quickly informed us they had just finished a movie and her husband had cried through the entire thing. The look on his face painted a clear picture of the dagger she had just driven through his heart. Men are taught to be tough and never show emotion in our culture, but showing emotion with the queen in his life should be safe. We can be a place of refuge for their innermost thoughts and feelings. Dan and I considered this couple our friends, but after that conversation, he avoided us until they moved away. He was humiliated by her sharing his vulnerability with us. It was like her waving the white flag from the castle spire saying, “We have weakness in the kingdom, we surrender." We didn’t see it that way but he did.

A few years back, while sitting at the salon, I began to listen to another female in the chair next door. She was bragging about how she had recently attended a party and gotten so carried away she had to call her husband to retrieve her. She laughed as she told how she hung her head out the window relieving herself as he drove her home. She thought it hilarious that she had so much fun on a "girls night out" at the expense of her husband's honor. As I sat in the salon chair, I wondered if he thought it was funny?

What will you do with his reputation? These examples clearly show we not only hold the power to tarnish our husband’s crown, but we hold his reputation in our hands. If we show our husband’s weaknesses to the world, embarrass him with unladylike behavior, or ridicule him for his mistakes, we might as well let down the draw bridge for the enemy to cross the moat, take over the castle, and overthrow the throne. Realistically, none of us have husbands without imperfections. Women have shortcomings too, but hopefully we are all working on becoming better people, better wives, better husbands, better mothers and fathers. However, none of the failures we have should be displayed before the world. Weaknesses on display are “welcome signs” at the gates of our kingdom for the enemy.

You can bet the serpent studied Adam and Eve from a distance, watching for their weaknesses, before he curled around that tree and sold them a lie. Our duty as a wife is to always uphold our husband’s position in leadership at home, especially before our children, at church, in the community, and in his career, and even through our own public actions. He may not always put his best foot forward, but we can nudge him along until he’s ready to step up. So get that polish out and remove the muck from his crown, fair maidens. If you’ve wounded him in the past, make amends, ask for forgiveness, and commit to yourself never to sling mud in his direction again. As stated before, women hold great power in their hands. We can build our kingdom up with our two appendages or we can tear it down. We can build our husband’s reputation up before others or we can destroy it.

Remember you are your husband’s headdress, and to shine brightly in your role as "wife" choose to be a noble "help meet." Take out the polish and shine up his crown. In the end, he will love and appreciate you for it and you will become more radiant as the beautiful tiara atop his royal head!

*To learn more ideas and way to polish your husband’s crown check out “Chaos in the Castle or Peace in the Palace?” at Barns and Noble and CBD-Christian Book Distributors.