5 Ways to Communicate Better With Your Husband

Your guy is great, except for a few little argh-worthy habits that have emerged over the years. But can your behavior change his behavior — for the better? See what our sister site redbookmag.com has to say.

Dates planned weeks in advance, surprise weekend getaways, flowers on your half-anniversary… you knowyour guy has the moves, or at least he used to. If you haven't seen them since the honeymoon period of your romance, that's normal, says relationship expert and The Problem With Women… is Men author Charles J. Orlando. "It's a cliché because it's true. Menrelax when they're comfortable in a relationship." And it can be a slippery slope. "When one partner begins picking up the slack — even in something as minor as date-night planning — it can set a pattern that will only become more entrenched over time." In other words, fast forward a decade, and you aren't just picking the flick for movie night, you're giving him a tutorial on how to pick the kids up from school.

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That doesn't mean you're doomed, it just means you need to implement some smart strategies for communicating when and where things aren't adding up for you. "I speak with a lot of women who feel they're doing all the work in the relationship," explains Orlando. "But men want to make their partner happy." In romance, as in many things, diplomacy — and clarity — are key. Here, the right way to get him back on his A game.

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1. Ask for what you want.
You'd never wander into a boutique, tell the salesperson you'd like some clothes, and expect her to suggest the perfect dress to wear to your 10-year high-school reunion. A vague request to your guy for "help around the house" is equally likely to lead to disappointing results. So be specific. Would you like him to take the kids to the park Saturday morning or go grocery shopping after work? The more you let him know where to pitch in more, the fewer miscommunications you'll have.

2. But be careful not to micromanage.
Men are very sensitive to the emotional cues their wives send, often more so than women realize," says Rebecca Jurgensen, Ph.D., a San Diego-based therapist. "If you express doubt that he's up to the task or criticize the way it's done, he'll feel like it's pointless to try again." Part of asking for help is accepting that things won't be done exactly the way you would do them, so keep your opinion to yourself unless he asks for pointers. He may fail, but he will also learn.

3. Forget about splitting things down the middle.
A lot of couples fall into the trap of feeling that only 50/50 allocation of chores is fair," says Orlando. "While it sounds good in theory, schedules and skill sets make it almost impossible." Instead, Orlando recommends figuring out what works best for both of you. Love cooking? Take responsibility for dinner prep and let your early-bird husband know you'd like him to be on baby duty in the morning. That way, each of you can take full ownership in the areas where you excel and not have to answer to the other. "The relationships that work best are those in which partners complement each other's strengths," says Orlando.

4. Figure out what's really bugging you.
Chances are, it's not that he never wipes the counter. "Relationship fears often manifest in frustration," explains Jurgensen. The impression that you're shouldering the burden of the household chores can leave you convinced that you're also shouldering the entire relationship, which can make you feel lonely, sad, or afraid your husband isn't on the same page as you. "Bringing your emotions to his attention and talking through how he feels will help keep your bond strong, and will also help clarify what reallymatters to you," says Jurgensen.

5. Zoom in on what would be most helpful.
Bosses, family, friends — plenty of things can pull attention away from your relationship. The trick is for both of you to keep pulling your weight. Does working long hours make you stressed and in need of extra TLC? Does his dirt-bike weekend with his brothers make you feel rejected? Say something. "The more you can verbalize how you feel, the more you can come up with solutions to fix the problem," says Jurgensen. Maybe it's as simple as asking him to grab takeout when you're at the office late, or working together to plan a romantic weekend while the kids stay with your folks, but whatever it is, make sure he knows what you need.