Do What Helps You to Love Other People

If you’re trying to figure out what to devote your life to,
how to structure your lifestyle, or even what to do next, you can be choose to
be guided by a very simple yet powerful mindset: do what helps you to love
other people.

What do I mean by this? For me, it means all-around being my
best. When I examine my life through the question, What helps me to best love other people?, I look to what helps me
to be most clear-minded, thankful, active, and joyful. Experiencing these
things is wonderful in themselves, but the fact that they better allow me to
love (and vice versa) makes them even better.

When I am lead by a clear, sound, rational mind, I am able
to keep from judging others negatively and erroneously. I’m not worried about
who’s superior or inferior, or who’s wrong or who’s right. I’m not anxious
about filling every moment with me making the perfect impression on the other
person. If I don’t feel, think, speak, or act in a way I think I ought to, it’s
okay.

This applies whether I’m alone or with others. Maybe the way
I wish I would feel or the things I wish I had said weren’t really the best
option in that moment anyway; and, if they were, then I can just choose to act
in a way I deem fit next time. Maybe I missed what seemed like the perfect
chance, but my world has not ended. As long as I have my world, I have a
chance.

Just keep evaluating your actions in terms of what you
value. Look to the thoughts and feelings behind your actions as well. If you
have a general mindset that seems oriented toward helping and loving others but
it doesn’t seem to be working out, there may be something else there you are
unaware of. What is highly likely is that you don’t love yourself. This is the
most important ingredient in the mindset of serving others. When you hate
yourself you limit the extent to which you can love other people. For some this
can be a very harsh reality to accept, but it is the truth.

As I love myself more over time, it naturally follows that I
am able to love other people more. Why is this? Well, when I forgive or look
past things in other people I have feared and hated and thus choose to love
them more, I am in turn able to love myself more. Generally what seems to
happen is that when I make peace with something specific in myself, I can do
the same with that very thing or something similar in other people.

However, instead of focusing on specific aspects of self and
on forgiveness, at this point I prefer to focus on taking a general attitude of
love—toward myself, toward others, and toward life itself. I’ve come to accept
that I’m not going to always do things perfectly, and instead of keep track of
each time I screw up I’ve decided it is more worthwhile to be thankful that
life is not always so straightforward. Certainly it is much more interesting
this way. Plus, this screw-up can help to clarify my values and thus contribute
to my making better decisions in the future. So, it’s really nothing to be
ashamed about.

I can rest in the discomfort of that less-than-ideal
decision while the effects remain, and once I am free of them I can then choose
to act in a way that is more congruent, or sensible, to me (i.e. it aligns with
my values, how I feel, and what I believe would be best for me right now). In
this way I don’t have to get caught up in and shameful of the past: I can just
take things in stride and keep going. Keeping my mind where it is- in the
present- contributes massively to loving my life as it is.

I am not asking you here to accept yourself or your
circumstances as they are and then stagnate, repeating undesirable habits
indefinitely. Action that seems right to you, in fact, is likely to entail you
changing things and growing. I simply suggest that choosing to dwell negatively
on your mistakes is unnecessary. Put your time and energy into the choices you
can make next, and you will find these things put to better use.

What is
Truly Important?

Obviously, having a clear mind helps you to stay focused on
what is important. I mentioned that when I am clear-minded I concern myself far
less with trying to boost my ego or degrade someone else’s. This is because
these things are not important—certainly not in conversation. When I am
clear-minded I more readily remember that I and other people are all part of
the same whole, which I roughly regard as universal consciousness. The universe
doesn’t care whether I have just the right possessions or past experiences that
might impress a few other people for a fleeting instant. These things are weak
cultivators of love and of growth (i.e. elevations in consciousness); thus,
these things do not matter much in the grand scheme of things. If the universe
cares about anything, it is most likely the second two things: love and growth.

Do you think the universe would prefer to see its
inhabitants give each other hugs, or blow each other up? That they contaminate
their resources or use them with respect? That they help one another when it is
needed, or ignore the weak and leave them to suffer and die?

If we are part of the universe, then it can be said that
acts of love help the universe to thrive, and thus to feel good. On the other
hand, acts of fear and hatred bring pain to the universe. Damage to the natural
environment is an injury or illness to the universe. Damage to ourselves and to
each other might look like a cancer or autoimmune disease trying to do battle
with the larger body of the universe. If these disease cells don’t get their
act together and change their ways they might experience some manic fun and ego
boosts for a short time, but when the body they feed off of goes down they will
be met with a brutal end.

Obviously the universe is much stronger and more resilient
than a human body. A few evil people will not destroy the universe—not even if
they nuke planet Earth. What happens to malicious inhabitants, or cells of the universe,
then, is that upon death they may realize the futile nature of their actions
and be overcome with the sorrow of their own insignificance. These cells could
not recognize the other cells for what they are—fellow cells in a larger body—and
so they lived hellish, loveless lives, even if those lives were filled with material
wealth and conquest. In the end these things do not matter if they do not
cultivate conscious growth or love.

Conscious growth tends both to lead to and result from a
stronger alignment with love, so if the universe cares about love it would make
sense that it also cares about growth. Clear-headed inhabitants who are aware
of their oneness with each other can act in ways that override the destruction
of less aware, less connected inhabitants—even if those unaware, malicious
beings include their past selves. They can act with the awareness needed to
stop polluting the Earth, and thus allow it the time it needs to recover. They
can express care to people who have long been without it. They can make discoveries
that help us to live even more intelligently.

Because the universe values love and conscious growth, it
makes sense that people who devote themselves to these things have an
overwhelmingly positive experience of their life in the universe. This doesn’t
mean that things go perfectly for them or that they never experience pain.
However, as they learn and grow more, they generally experience pain less and
less. Conscious growth cultivates a clear mind, and a clear mind, as I
explained earlier, can quickly get past things that ultimately are not
important. It is these very things which tend to cause the most pain, as it is
only the ego- the part of self that cares about unimportant things- that can experience
pain.

As I’ve explained in the past, I don’t mean to speak badly
of the ego or suggest that you should transcend it entirely. If you do that
your existence on this planet will end, and you will then be unable to
experience conscious growth and demonstrate love for other human beings, the
two most beautiful aspects of being alive. For this reason, the ego is awesome.
It is the vehicle through which we can live in this physical reality we call
planet Earth, and this reality is amazing. The ego is a tool through which we
can express ourselves in many different ways and have a wide variety of
experiences.

However, we have to recognize the ego for what it is: (1) an
entity that experiences pain, and (2) not our true identity. When the ego is
mistaken for the true identity pain, which results from fear, is likely to
become the guiding force for life. You cannot experience fear and love
simultaneously. Thus, when you choose to identify with your ego, your ability to
love is highly limited.

I mentioned earlier that in addition to clear-minded, I love
best when I am thankful, active, and joyful. When you are immersed in fear it
is hard to be thankful because you need things to be outwardly perfect. You can
give thanks that you have food on the table tonight, but there will be fear
lurking behind that thanks. You will be fearful as to whether this will be
enough-- whether there will be more tomorrow. You may be fearful that this food
will hurt your body, or whether you should be having it at all right now. Do
you really deserve it? Fearful gratitude is thankful that external
circumstances are okay-enough, but this thanks goes only so far because it is
rooted in the ego. The ego, again, is ephemeral: when looking out for its own
interest it is blind to what is truly important.

This is in contrast with the gratitude I described earlier
for the whole of life’s experiences. In this situation I might even feel thankful
for all the concerns that are arising because it is interesting to me that I am
such a complex being, capable of so many different things (whether they be
feelings, actions, mindsets, etc.). When I hold this type of gratitude my focus
is on the bigger picture of my existence, and in so doing it is easier for me
to remember and to accomplish what is truly important: conscious growth and
love.

When I over-identify with the ego I tend to become paralyzed
by fear, passively accepting whatever woes may come my way rather than actively
choosing how to approach the situation at hand. I get too concerned with what
impression I might have on other people, using up all my energy, and whether I’m
getting immediately and physically rewarded. Obviously, again, I need my ego to
actively engage with physical reality and the people in it, but when I think
this physical reality and my reputation in it are all there is I become fearful
and hesitant. When I remember, though, the bigger picture, I am filled with
energy and become willing to take on whatever challenges there may be which
will ultimately lead to me contributing to universal consciousness.

I think I hardly need to explain how choosing to love and to
identify with consciousness is a far more effective path to joy. Honestly, I
don’t see how fear-based living can yield much joy at all. Perhaps it can give
occasional, brief delusions of
joyfulness, but do tell me: how can you feel good in a body which, essentially,
you hate? Choosing to live fearfully means that you perceive your own
physically-based best interest as the highest interest there is. But that doesn’t
mean you love yourself. You are downright afraid
of your body and your emotions. Good
god, you wonder—what will this
monster ask of me next?

You cannot live peacefully because you are fighting with
yourself constantly. You will become afraid of your own shadow. You will constantly
view yourself as a failure, because your esteem for self is based in external
circumstances which you cannot control. When you perceive that your reputation
is on the rocks you will fall apart mentally, because this is the only thing
you perceive as being valuable. I lived this way for a few years. You can try
it if you want, but I have had my fill of it.

What is
Love? (baby, don’t hurt me)

I should clarify here what love is. Love is most simply
defined as service to others. This is most apparent in physical acts such as
giving food to another person and teaching them new skills, though love runs
far deeper than this. When you choose not to become mentally and emotionally preoccupied
with what you deem to be others’ glaring flaws, this is an act of love. When
you clear your mind in this way you better enable yourself to have positive
interactions with this person. This means that you will be more likely to
effectively help the person correct those
flaws if that is really what they need. The other outcome is that you will
understand that this person is not flawed, but rather that you have feared and
hated something- perhaps in yourself as well as others- which need not be
feared and hated. You will remove fear from your life thus, and become freer to
express yourself and to experience joy.

“Others” includes not just people, but the environment,
objects, and activities as well. When you put your attention, with positive
intentions, on any of these things you are giving love to them. When you climb
a tree out of enjoyment for the activity, you show love for the natural environment,
for the tree, and for the activity of climbing. When you read a book you show
love for the act of mentally stimulating yourself as well as the content you
are consuming.

You could say that when you hold negative thoughts or engage
in less-than-ideal actions, you are giving service to, or loving, those things
as well. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you ought to continue doing those
things. Rather, those things call for a different type of love, such as the
complete gratitude I described earlier (i.e. being thankful that life is not so
straightforward). You can be thankful that you can make mistakes and learn from
them, showing love for them thus, but you do not have to show love by
continuing to make them.

Choose
Wisely

I suppose now would be a good time to return to the title of
this article. Structuring your lifestyle and choosing your next actions based
on what helps you to love other people does not ask you to be constantly
surrounded by other people, as a lack of time to think independently can keep
you from growing consciously. In fact, time to reflect and to be alone can help
you to love even better once you are in the company of others. Use this time to clarify what you value, to consider how much you love yourself and being alive, and to decide how you would like to grow.

What this mindset asks, in essence, is to do what helps you
to love and to grow consciously.
These things aren’t separate: to love, in fact, is to demonstrate growth. I’ve
separated simply to help make the points that I have here.

Again, what I’ve found most effective to focus on is being
clear-minded, thankful, active, and joyful.

I run because it helps me think clearly and rationally. It
is a way in which I actively engage with the world—and some of the most
beautiful parts of it, nonetheless. Challenging myself in this way contributes to
me feeling joyful. I thus am able to love better when I run.

I write because it is a way for me to actively engage with
my thoughts and feelings, and it is mentally stimulating. Laying my thoughts
out in front of me helps me to think more clearly. In addition, I use my
writing to serve other people directly. Thus, I not only love through writing,
but writing also helps me to love better.

For similar reasons I have chosen to stop going to school
and to avoid putting harmful substances in my body (food and certain drugs,
such as alcohol), reading news, and watching horror movies. Some of these
choices may seem silly to you, but I make them because these activities make me
feel badly: they put me in a state of unnecessary fear.

If I struggle to drag around an unhealthy body day after day
I will likely become frustrated and lash out at others. When I am constantly
occupied with tasks assigned to me by others that I view largely as a waste of
time, I lose sight of what is important. If I put overwhelming attention on all
the horrible ways people perceive this world- even imaginary worlds- I feel
emotionally drained, and showing genuine love to others seems like too arduous
a task.

If you’re okay with these things, go ahead and do them. The
specific, objective choices aren’t as important as the values behind those
choices. What I ask is that you stop giving power to the things that weaken you
in mind, body, heart, and spirit. If you perceive that something is holding you
back, why continue with it? It probably isn’t that important. The universe and
everyone in it would probably prefer that you let it go.

If your job leads you to act angrily toward your family when
you go home at night, then stop going to that job. If worrying about your
reputation makes it harder for you to approach people you’re attracted to, then
stop worrying about your reputation. If certain foods turn you into a lazy, mindless
fool then stop eating those foods. I can assure you that your world won’t end.
If it does, you have permission to haunt me once you reach the afterlife.

On the other hand, if you do work which serves other people
in a way that inspires you to keep continuing to work every day, then keep
doing it. If you are able to express your love for your girlfriend more
strongly by opening your relationship and becoming polyamorous, then do so. If
writing in a gratitude journal every night makes you tingle like a 10 year-old
girl at a Jonas Brothers concert with love for life, then keep that right up.

Remember: the specific acts aren’t what is important. These
are not what the universe cares about, and these are not what lasts. Instead,
it is the principles behind the acts. Focusing on principles and values is what
creates a full life—not merely certain observable actions. These principles
must be realized in action for sure, but action is more worthwhile when it is
endowed with value—that is, with purpose. In this case, that purpose is to
express love and to grow: to serve others, to challenge yourself, and to learn.

If there is only one person on this Earth who you can claim
to love right now and it isn’t even yourself, then love that person like there’s
no tomorrow. Because we are all part of the same whole, and love can be
transferred across different aspects of life (e.g. loving my work can help me
express love for other people), your love for this person will steadily pan out
and lead you to love for others.

Eventually, this will include yourself. The shift from
self-hatred to self-love can be a highly emotional process, but it is worth
every ounce of pain and every moment of introspection. Finding and forgiving
the parts of yourself you dislike is one of the most worthwhile endeavors you
can make. There are few things which will lead to think as clearly and to live
as joyfully, actively, and gratefully as loving yourself. The quality of your
life is most strongly determined by your love for yourself. To love, arguably,
is the reason for which you live. The more you love, the better you live.

There is a choice to be made: to live fearfully or to live lovingly.
I know that I will always choose whichever path will lead me to the most
content, peaceful death. But the choice here, my fellow inhabitant of the
universe, is yours. Choose fear, and live brutishly for yourself. Choose love,
and watch your life explode.