Lifting Blogs

We know what you're thinking: Tumblr bodybuilders? Gender fluid, transnegro weight lifters who eat vegan diets and spout politically correct statements of support to their loyal followers in an attempt to become internet idols? Well, you thought wrong, and you should feel dumb for thinking something so stupid.

Introducing the newest trend happening on the darkest corner of the internet. Known as "lifting" blogs, which is short for shoplifting blogs, this phenomenon consists of mainly women (and the occasional sissy men) who are IRL stealing makeup and clothing from stores and anonymously sharing their thievery with the world by posting it to their Tumblrs. As if that alone isn't moronic enough, with it being Tumblr and all, there are also teenagers who are role playing as people stealing from stores and uploading photos of the makeup their parents bought for them, while claiming it to be "lifted" merchandise. It should come as no surprise that the majority of these lifters turn out to be spoiled, middle class citizens who have no shame in admitting that they're spoiled middle class girls who steal for "all the right reasons."

Now, anyone who's ever stolen a mascara pen or a candy bar has a place to connect and share their exciting stories with, along with photos of their stolen loot and the value of every individual item. Most blogs tally up the grand total of everything stolen and stick the number at the top of their blogs like a badge of honor, when it reality the only thing they're doing is giving a judge the information they need to either charge the idiots with petty theft or grand theft. As is usually the case, highest score wins!

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Assuming they're protected by the anonymity of the internet, and being ignorant Tumblrinas and all, the shoplifters carelessly upload photo after photo of brand new merchandise along with its value, revealing on their blog that it was stolen by them. The more daring lifters even include the name of the store in the mall that the items were taken from, as well as stories of all the times they were close to getting caught.

Let's pretend that Tumblr staff doesn't have access to the lifting bloggers' IP addresses, and let's also pretend they wouldn't be able to track them down if their IPs were turned into the authorities. No matter, because thankfully, in true Tumblr ignorance, the shoplifters are kind enough to upload photos of stolen merch from their personal cell phones, with geo-location intact. No, seriously, they're actually the dumbest thieves on the entire internet.

This is similar to the Al Qaeda dingbat who was tweeting threats of mass destruction and terror from his cell phone, and was almost apprehended when the geo-location led US soldiers to the cave he was hiding in, who was the Abu Hajaar of social media.

Lifting Idiots

Shoplifters giving cops a lift in catching them.

More idiot lifters giving cops a lift.

An EDiot giving cops a lift in catching idiot lifters.

Traced to an exact fucking address

"You can't dox me, I'm under 18!"

Put that donut down and get to work, San Luis Obispo PD

Some of these idiot thieves believe that tacking "role play" onto the top of their blog protects them from being investigated, but just like anyone who decides to "role play" as an assassin, rapist, or terrorist, their interest in crime will very likely result in an arrest.

The fact that shoplifting is okay on here but being straight isn't says a lot about tumblr.

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—A blogger weighs in with the facts, triggering everyone in the process.

“

The ‘shoplifting haul’ tag is honestly the most middle class spoiled brat thing I’ve ever seen. None of you are shoplifting for survival, last time I checked you can’t feed your family with a Benefit mascara. Grow up, save your pennies and PAY FOR THINGS like the rest of us.

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—Another angry blogger, doubting the Benefit of mascara.

“

Petition to convert the shoplifting fandom into the coupon-ing fandom. Both get hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise for free (or nearly) but one is legal.

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—Fails to realize the couponing fandom has already been claimed by the elderly.