Archive for the ‘Children and Divorce’ Category

In no way is divorce a good thing. Sometimes it is the best of a bad cluster of options but never is it ideal. Kate Winslet, who is an actor I admire, has us believe that divorce can be good for kids because it teaches them to “struggle”. In my opinion, kids get exposed to struggle all the time. They don’t need to experience divorce to have their resilience tested:

Kate Winslet believes that parents’ divorce can teach children how to struggle, and can hence be considered good for them.

While speaking to the Harper’s Bazaar UK magazine, the 39-year-old mom-of-three, said that she tries to turn negative incidents into positive ones, adding that she wouldn’t change the bad things in her life, including her two divorces, the Independent reported.

The Oscar-winning star, who has a 14-year-old daughter from her first marriage, an 11-year-old son from her second and a young son from her current marriage to Ned RocknRoll, said it didn’t matter how many times you have gone through it, since it shapes you into who you are.

Winslet also detested the idea of women having to regain their toned physique shortly after giving birth, saying that she didn’t want to be one of the women who were back in shape in no time, as life was “too short” to waste time on such things.

She would never want or expect her body to be the way it was, since she had had 3 children, she added.

I can’t help thinking that because divorce is becoming increasingly common that society foolishly assumes children are more than ever capable of overcoming the split of their parents. This is just not true. Children find it as hard as ever to reconcile the breakdown of their parents’ marriage.

The research strongly backs my position and signals a need for greater school support. Perhaps we shouldn’t wait to see signs of distress, and instead offer support as soon as the breakup occurs:

Children of divorced parents are more likely to get bad exam results, drink, take drugs and develop eating disorders, a survey has shown.

Nearly two thirds of children who saw the break-up of their families claimed it had a negative effect on their GCSEs.

One in eight said they had used drugs or alcohol and almost a third said they ate more or less as a result.

The survey – commissioned by Resolution, a group that represents 6,500 family lawyers in England and Wales – looked at the experiences of 500 young people aged 14 to 22.

Resolution chairman Jo Edwards told the Times that the study had revealed just how far-reaching the impact of divorce can be.

She said: ‘The findings underline just how important it is that parents going through a split manage their separation in a way that minimises the stress and impact on the entire family.’ Each year, around 100,000 under-16s see their parents break-up. Many suffer long-term effects associated with the pressure the divorce process puts on them.

Of those surveyed, a third said that one parent had tried to turn them against the other parent and more than 25 per cent said they had been dragged into their parents’ arguments. Schooling is also adversely affected as children struggle to complete their homework.

Around 12 per cent admitted skipping lessons and 11 per cent found themselves increasingly in trouble with teachers as a result of a change in family circumstances.

Siôn Humphreys, a senior policy adviser at the National Association of Head Teachers, said that education was suffering because teachers are not trained to deal with the problem. She told the Times: ‘Teachers see day in, day out, the impact separation can have.

‘It would not be unusual for the school to be the first port of call to support the parent left holding the baby, but it is not necessarily something teachers are specially trained for.’

Last month, EU statistics for 2012 revealed that British children are more likely to be from single-parent families than anywhere else in Western Europe.

One in four now live with a lone mother or father, compared with around one in six across the EU.

The only EU country with a higher figure than Britain was the eastern state of Latvia. We are now ahead of Belgium, Denmark, Ireland and France, where the number of youngsters living with just one parent is dropping – or rising more slowly.

Harry Benson, of the Marriage Foundation, has urged policy-makers to take ‘essential’ steps in limiting the ‘host of negative social and economic implications’ of divorce.

As a stay-at-home father I am calling out so-called “parenting expert” for what I believe is blatant sexism:

A parenting expert has incurred the wrath of fathers’ groups by claiming that children of estranged couples should not stay overnight with them.

Psychologist Penelope Leach has said that generally children of separated couples aged four and under should not be parted from their mother to have a sleepover with their father.

Ms Leach, whose book Your Baby & Child: From Birth to Age Five was a bestseller in 1977, said attempts to share children was putting parents notions of ‘rights’ and notion of what is ‘fair’ above what is best for the child.

In her new book, Family Breakdown, she writes that there is evidence that separating children from their mothers reduces brain development, and can create unhealthy ‘attachment issues’.

‘Overnight stays with fathers from as early an age as possible is crucial if children are to form strong attachments with both of their parents.

Ian Maxwell, of the charity Families Need Fathers, added; ‘The bond between fathers and children is just as important.’

Ms Leach also criticises the legal profession in the book, writing: ‘when people say that it’s ‘only fair’ for a father and mother to share their five-year-old daughter on alternate weeks, they mean it is fair to the adults – who see her as a possession and her presence as their right – not that it is fair to the child.’

She has since defended her statements, insisting that ‘being a father is not a reward for good behaviour’.

There is a myth currently circulating about the effect of divorce on children. Some are of the belief that since divorce has become so common, children are better able to deal with it. This is complete rubbish and is rejected by the evidence.

Divorced parents are often in denial about how badly the break-up has damaged their children, a survey has found.

More than three quarters believed their children had ‘coped well’ – even though just 18 per cent of youngsters said they were happy with the situation.

Many parents fail to notice that their children are turning to drink and drugs, or even considering suicide, the poll found. Some were insensitive enough to break the news of the divorce to their children by text.

One in five of the children polled felt there was no point confiding in either their mother or father because they were ‘too wrapped up in themselves’.

The survey, by parenting website Netmums, polled about 1,000 divorced parents and 100 children aged eight to 18 from broken homes.

Although it featured only a relatively small pool of youngsters, a stark picture emerged of the struggles that many of them face when coping with their parents’ break-up.

One in 20 had turned to alcohol and one in nine had deliberately wounded themselves. A further 6 per cent had considered suicide, while two of those polled had tried to kill themselves.

Almost a third described themselves as devastated by divorce, while one in 12 thought that it meant their mothers and fathers ‘didn’t love them’ and had ‘let them down’.

But despite the damage wrought by their parents splitting, few children felt able to speak openly and honestly about their emotions.

Nearly 40 per cent said they hid their feelings from their parents because they did not want to upset them.

Many children felt forced to look after their mothers and fathers as the relationship broke down, and 35 per cent claimed that one parent had tried to turn them against the other.

To make things worse, parents often vastly underestimated the impact of their behaviour on their sons and daughters, the survey found. Only 8 per cent admitted trying to turn their children against their partner.

And just 10 per cent said their children had seen them fighting – even though 31 per cent of youngsters told of witnessing rows.

One in ten knew their children were hiding their true feelings about the divorce but fewer than one per cent were aware of them drinking, self harming or taking drugs to cope.

Many in society figure that since divorce is very common nowadays that the effects on children are far reduced. This is not the case. A child can be in a classroom full of children from broken homes. It doesn’t make their personal pain any less tangible:

Family breakdown is as devastating for today’s children as it was when divorce was a source of social disgrace, a state-backed report warned yesterday.

Even though divorce is no longer considered ‘shameful’ – as it was until the 1970s – the children of broken families continue to suffer destructive effects throughout their lives, the report said.

The paper, produced by a team of senior academics, found that the damage caused to a child by divorce continues to blight his or her life as far as old age.

It said parental separation in childhood was ‘consistently associated with psychological distress in adulthood during people’s early 30s’.

The report added: ‘This seems to be true even across different generations, which suggests that as divorce and separation have become more common, their impact on mental health has not reduced.’

It comes a week after figures were published showing that almost half of all children have now seen their parents break up by the time they are 15.

The report said that good health depends on lifestyle conditions that it termed ‘social medicines’. Key among these is a stable family background.

The findings undermine the claims of politicians, lawyers and activists who have argued for years that divorce causes no harm to children if parents part amicably and without conflict.

‘Family life has undergone dramatic changes over recent decades,’ the report, produced by a team led by Professor Mel Bartley, said.

‘Families no longer have to have two parents, they can contain children from different parents, and parents no longer have to be of different genders.’

But it warned: ‘More freedom also means less certainty, and this has led to concerns about the impact of family stability on the health and well-being of both children and adults.

‘Family living arrangements are related to children’s physical health.

At Christmas time, like no other, family relationships are put to the test.

This time of year seems to bring not only a rise in domestic violence, but family tension and relationship breakdown.

So much for the season of peace and goodwill.

Fights over who will get the kids on Christmas Day are common, and children are often forced to spend Christmas traipsing across town to keep both parents happy.

Many argue that since divorce is so rampant, children are able to adapt with the change extremely well. This is simply not the case.

Research suggests that there’s no such thing as a good divorce: All you can do is have a breakup that is not as bad as it might be.

A US study of 994 families identified three types of post-divorce parents: Those who were co-operatively continuing to parent together, those who were parallel parenting with little communication, and those who were effectively single parents.

Children from the first group – the good divorce group – had the smallest number of behavioural problems and the closest ties to their fathers.

However, the differences were only minor, and the children in this group didn’t score any better than others on 10 additional measures, such as self-esteem, school grades, early sexual activity and closeness to their mothers.

It is my opinion that while divorce is a fact of life and that in most cases there is nobody to blame, it is quite distressful for the child. The fact that it is common and has also effected other classmates provides next to no comfort for the child. I believe that when a child’s parents separate the teacher must refer the matter to the school councillor (if the school has one), and spend more time with child building their confidence and displaying patience when the child plays up or has difficulty completing a task. It is not sufficient to wait until the child shows signs of anxiety or rebellion. The time to initiate support is straight away.

Young children of divorce are not only more likely to suffer from anxiety, loneliness, low self-esteem and sadness, they experience long-lasting setbacks in interpersonal skills and math test scores, new research suggests.

Children do not fall behind their peers in these areas during the potentially disruptive period before their parents divorce, the study revealed. Instead, it’s after the split that kids seem to have the most trouble coping.

“Somewhat surprisingly, children of divorce do not experience detrimental setbacks in the pre-divorce period,” noted study author Hyun Sik Kim, a doctoral candidate in the department of sociology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. “From the divorce stage onward, however, children of divorce lag behind in math test scores and interpersonal social skills.”

While the negative impacts do not continue to worsen several years after the divorce, “there is no sign that children of divorce catch up with their counterparts, either,” he added.

The study is published in the June issue of the American Sociological Review.

In the study, Kim discussed how the fallout from divorce might harm childhood development.

Children may be stressed by an ongoing parental blame game or child custody conflicts. This stress could be compounded by the loss of stability when a child is shuttled between separate households or has to move to another region altogether, thus losing contact with his or her original network of friends.

In fact, Kim observed a dramatic change in family locations, suggesting that children of divorce were more likely to change schools.

Parents’ divorce-related depression might also play a role, as could economic strains when family income suddenly drops, he said.

In his research, Kim analyzed data from the Early Childhood Longitudinal Study on 3,600 children who entered kindergarten in 2008.

The children were tracked through fifth grade. Over that time, Kim compared children whose parents had gotten divorced while the child was in the first, second or third grade with the children of intact marriages.

While divorce is an unfortunate fact of life for many adults and their kids, it is crucial that teachers play a supportive role, offering appropriate care and displaying patience and sensitivity at all times. Just because it happens frequently, doesn’t make it any easier for those involved to adjust to and overcome.

Unfortunately, divorce is a fact of life. Teachers often have multiple students from broken homes in their classrooms. It is absolutely imperative that these students get the support they need.

Because it’s so common it may be easy to overlook a child whose parents just became separated or divorced. The teacher may be of the opinion that the child in today’s age should adjust, and with time, move on from the initial shock and uncertainty. They may rationalise that since others in the class have been through the same situation, there is a peer support system there for the child, and no further intervention is required.

Whilst I understand that rationale, I do not agree with it.

Firstly, I need to make 2 things clear:

1. It is not a teachers place to pry, make judgements and involve themselves in the personal decisions of their students’ parents.

2. The support that I am talking about is one of keeping the child in a positive frame of mind, not asking personal questions or initiating dialogue about sensitive issues.

It is my opinion that while divorce is a fact of life and that in most cases there is nobody to blame, it is quite distressful for the child. The fact that it is common and has also effected other classmates provides next to no comfort for the child. I believe that when a child’s parents separate the teacher must refer the matter to the school councillor (if the school has one), and spend more time with child building their confidence and displaying patience when the child plays up or has difficulty completing a task. It is not sufficient to wait until the child shows signs of anxiety or rebellion. The time to initiate support is straight away.

There are a number of school-related changes that the child may undergo that is worth considering. Below are just a few:

The child will have 2 homes. Meaning he/she may have to bring an overnight bag to school. It is best to have a discreet place to put the bag. The bag, I have found becomes a sort of symbol of the separation, and the child is often bashful about it. A special spot for the bag often reduces some of the anxiety of bringing it.

The child often receives 2 newsletters, notices and reports. For the first few months (if not indefinitely), discretely handing out these notices is the best policy.

It is best to have both parents at the Parent/Teacher meeting, if possible, at the same time. This can be a tense session and involve the former partners engaging in point scoring and blaming. It is in these sessions however, that the teacher has an opportunity to address the importance of co-operation and inclusion when it comes to matters concerning the child.

Homework, books and uniforms are often left at mum’s or dad’s.

When the child fails to bring money for school photos, camps or excursions it is often because one parent refuses to pay half the cost and the other refuses to pay for the entire cost. In this event, for the child’s sake, I have paid the cost out of my own pocket (without telling anyone) and have on occasion approached my boss in a bid to get the school to wave the cost.

Researchers from the University of Toronto said Wednesday that they had studied 6,647 adults, including almost 700 who had been under the age of 18 when their parents divorced and found men from divorced families were three times more likely to have seriously considered suicide than adult males whose parents had not divorced.

Women whose parents had divorced were twice as likely to have thought about taking their own lives, according to the research published in the journal Psychiatry Research.

I recently completed a children’s novel about a boy struggling with the separation of his parents. As a guide to see if the manuscript was good enough to engage an audience, I used to read it to my students (without mentioning that I wrote it). I was always worried that the passages describing the separation may be too confronting for children who have experienced separation and divorce in real life. I was staggered to find that the opposite was true. They were the ones that connected most strongly to the story.

It provided them with a voice. A voice that is buried somewhere beneath the surface. A voice that shouldn’t be dismissed, ignored or taken for granted.