A Preliminary Field Guide to Linguists, Part One

Athanasious Schadenpoodle
University of Nueva Escranton

Introduction

While naturalists have long observed the behaviors of some of the better-known families within the Order Academica, producing for the lay person such fascinating and useful volumes as Jane's Guide to Physicists and The Sierra Club Picture Guide to Psychologists, the Family Linguistica
has so far not been shown a great deal of attention. This is, in part,
justifiable--the small numbers of linguists, and their comparatively
drab plumage, draws fewer amateur naturalists. Still, there is a need
for at least one major publication on the subject. While the current
article does not fill that role, it is hoped that it is a step in the
right direction. In this installment, I shall attempt a cursory
description of two of the major genera, Neoplatonicus and Functionalisticus.

General Notes

Like other members of the Order Academica, linguists have
both primary and secondary feeding behaviors. Primary food sources for
linguists include succulent derivational morphology, widely-occurring
tactic patterns, and dry but nourishing anaphoric pronouns, among other
items. The secondary feeding pattern shared by all members of Academica
involves a kind of coprophagic activity--the waste products of members'
digestive processes (e.g., academic papers) are consumed by other
members of the Order, both within-species and intra-species.

Within the Linguistica family, the secondary feeding pattern
appears to have grown in importance over time. Paleontologists
speculate that in the dim past (such as the early 20th
century), the natural abundance of primary food sources present in such
areas as Amerindian communities in North America could support vast
herds of linguists, the sound of their typewriters echoing like thunder
across the plains. These resources were overexploited, sadly, and fell
victim to a series of catastrophic depredations, leaving members of Linguistica
to adapt to changing circumstances. It was in this situation,
paleobiologists speculate, that linguists further developed their
secondary feeding behaviors to compensate. Like other members of
Academica, linguists are able to use their secondary feeding pattern to
create new biomass (as the reader no doubt knows, the exact method by
which Academics are able to accomplish this violation of basic physical
laws remains one of the pressing questions of the day). The degree to
which the secondary feeding strategy has been developed varies among
the genera within Linguistica, but it is nevertheless vitally important in all of them.

Major Genera

Genus Neoplatonicus
Species: Americoformalisticus, Fodorus

Where Found:

As with other members of Linguistica,
frequently inhabit university ecosystems; not commonly found in smaller
stands of community colleges. Quite common in North America and the
Netherlands; less common elsewhere but still widely distributed.

Characteristics:

There are four distinctive features of this genus. The
first is an adaptation of the primary feeding behavior to the absence
of nutrients, a practice known as nulliphagic refluction. For example, although many members of Neoplatonicus
subsist extensively on determiners, they can nevertheless adapt to
areas without any naturally occurring determiners by consuming the ones
they insist are there anyway. Naturalists have observed whole groups of
Neoplatonicus behaving as if specific nonexistent food sources
are present at very defined locations. The second feature is a
characteristic of their droppings--they are covered in a very dense,
impenetrable coating of faux-mathematical jargon. There is a range of
theories about why this is the case among naturalists; one school
claims that it is to disguise the droppings as those of actual
scientists, to decrease predation, while another argues that the
coating confines consumption to other members of Neoplatonicus,
thus conferring an evolutionary benefit. Their third identifying
characteristic is a sociobehavioral one--when mixed with other members
of Linguistica, specimens of Neoplatonicus will act as if the others do not exist (although a number of cases have been observed in which the droppings of non-Neoplatonicus are consumed without significant acknowledgement; cf. Whiltakers' paper "Deep Case to Thematic Role Transmutation in Neoplatonicus Metabolism"). In fact, members of Neoplatonicus
are rather territorial, often refusing to cohabit with other genera.
The last feature of the genus is its members' construction of separate
small structures, or modules, known as "syntaxes" and "lexicons" to
store foodstuffs in.

Species/Variants:

By far the most numerous of the Neoplatonicus family are the Americoformalisticus.
Paleobiologists speculate that waves of mutation spread through the
species at periodic intervals, pushing older species into side niches
with each successive wave. Variation typically involves differential
use of the food-storage structures: var. lexicoformalisticus builds very large, elaborate lexicons, while var. hewlettpakardius makes little use of lexicons at all. A recently-discovered variety, optimalicus,
appears to build rather Byzantine arrays of storage structures--and,
much the way squirrels will become confused about their many caches,
members of optimalicus can be seen scurrying hither and yon, unable to determine the appropriate storage spot. Species fodorus
is the focus of a good bit of debate among naturalists: while it seems
excessively rare, it is nevertheless quite vocal at times, leading
observers to think that the overhead canopy is full of specimens that
nevertheless cannot be glimpsed. One major theory about this effect is
that fodorus has developed nulliphagic refluction to the point
that it itself has become an abstract category, able to subsist in
absentia, on absentia.

Interaction notes:

If one encounters a Neoplatonicus in the wild,
one should never interrupt its nulliphagic refluction; they can become
rather aggressive when disturbed, and sometimes hurl detritus. And one
should never, ever attempt to separate a Neoplatonicus from a
generalization that it is feeding on--not only will the attempt fail,
it apparently generates harmful psychological stress for the poor
creature. Otherwise, they are tolerant of most observers, frequently
not seeming to notice them at all.

Widely distributed, although in small numbers. Systemicus found locally in concentrations in Britain and Australia; clusters of Cognitivus observed in California. Last known sighting of Stratificarus was in Texas, although rumors of outliers in Michigan persist.

Characteristics:

Genetic variation among Functionalisticus is much greater than that among Neoplatonicus,
so much so that some biologists (e.g. Uberstrudel and Twink) have
argued strongly that entirely separate genera are involved. All
members, however, appear to share a preference for primary over
secondary food sources, frequently passing over a field of existent
droppings if a stand of juicy allomorphs is within visual range. They
also all appear to be rather gregarious and interact with other
mammals, although rather oddly not often with members of Neoplatonicus. Most biologists believe that this is the result of competition with Neoplatonicus
for resources, particularly niches in university ecosystems. In
addition, Prof. Hieronymous Smott has pointed out that there are
separate and consistent lines of development between Neoplatonicus and Functionalisticus from their common ancestor, Structuralisticus saussurii. The internal physiognomy of Neoplatonicus is quite similar to that of the ancestor species, although their outward appearance is dramatically different; Functionalisticus retains many of the outward appearances of saussurii but has a dramatically altered metabolism. Droppings cannot be used to distinguish Functionalisticus
as a genus, as there is dramatic variation among the species. When
threatened, most species in the genus can generate an obscuring cloud
of caveats, permitting escape undetected.

Species/Variants:

Systemicus can be identified by both feeding pattern and
droppings: members will usually approach a primary food item from three
different angles before consuming it, and will alertly scan the
surrounding context while eating. Biologists are not sure of the origin
of this behavior, but many consider it a defensive mechanism in case
the food source turns out to be dangerous (although some have argued
that the behavior is simple curiosity, as this is known to be a rather
mischievous species, often ransacking campers' food supplies). The
droppings of systemicus, like those of americoformalisticus, have distinctive coating, although in the case of systemicus
it consists of a hazy cocoon-like structure rather than a hard shell.
The cocoon appears to contain elements common elsewhere, but used in
radically different ways, making consumption by other species
difficult. There is some evidence that the breeding population in
Australia is undergoing speciation, as limited instances of
exclusionary behaviors toward other populations have been observed. Cognitivus
is distinguished by heavy reliance on a peculiarly well-developed
visual system; members tend to have large, lemur-like eyes, and
research has indicated that the visual cortex in cognitivus has
expanded relative to other domains, and has unusually dense connections
to right-hemisphere regions known to subserve metaphorical reasoning.
Biologists speculate that cognitivus primarily evolved as
nocturnal feeders in very noisy environments, making acute vision much
more useful than hearing or smell. The species is primarily adapted to
redwood forests, but one can only speculate that there may have been
very noisy redwood forests at some point. Givonicus is primarily solitary, although its droppings are very widely consumed by other members of Functionalisticus.Stratificarus
is, or was, distinguished by building enormously intricate nests of
web-like structures, but these were, alas, prized in some Asian
cultures as an anti-aphrodesiac. Nests could sometimes sell for
hundreds of dollars, especially to women married to Larry King, and
depredations of nests for sale on the black market may have forced the
species to the brink of extinction.

Interaction notes:

Members of Functionalisticus are rarely hostile
but often curious, and may attempt to follow the observer about, paying
close and unsettling attention to everything s/he says and does. They
can frequently be distracted with single-malt scotch, however.

Do not attempt to remove a Functionalisticus from its context; they appear to find separation traumatic, and will refuse food.