i am the walrus

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i think i have a problem and that problem is boredom and inertia. every day i think of a new type of school i’d be good at. i think i would be awesome at lawyer school, cooking school, engineer school, teacher school.

you know what i am not good at? not being in school.

the real world is so dramatic, with its student loan payments and credit card debt and health insurance questions and food buying and preparing. i mean, the sad part is i am still technically in school. but more actually i am working a lot part-time and trying to keep my apartment presentable and working on my book and not writing anything new and facebooking a lot and feeling generally useless. it’s like after i graduated from college except without the excessive drinking and with less friends.

no, that’s not true, i have lots of friends, i just couldn’t get a hold of any of them to go with me to ice cream tonight. the only person i could get was jade and she is in portland. but she IS moving here in a few months so, things are looking up.

pete of course loves ice cream but he is in the studio tonight as he usually is these days, working hard for art. i’m pretty jealous of his being in art school, to be honest. maybe he was jealous of me when it was me. why didn’t i go for a fucking phd? why didn’t i work harder at math?

i don’t know. i’m full of whining these days and i hope i can get over it soon and get over feeling guilty about the things i am not doing and either DO them or forget about them.

i have type from LAST YEAR i need to redistribute at school and i am scared to go in because i feel like such an asshole for leaving it so long. i have to get my thesis checked. i have to stop using my credit cards to buy too many groceries. i need to start calling people back.

i watched julie & julia the other day and julie made me so irritated i wanted to through a pot at her head. maybe it’s because i have a job in a cubicle and want to be a writer and do not have a movie about my life coming out and am not as cute as amy adams. but that character was obnoxious, right? and sort of worthless? and maybe proof that a cooking blog doesn’t need to be turned into a movie? can in fact just be used to find advice on cooking?

i’ve cheated on my yoga studio twice this week with this donation based place called yoga to the people. i won’t be leaving my studio, don’t worry. i still want to go there at least 4 times a week. BUT when i want something quick and not spiritual and pretty sweaty without any instruction or assistance, i can go to this place. it’s an hour. they don’t touch you. the room is huge and has big windows overlooking the mission. and it’s cheap.

still, i love yoga mayu the best.

what else? blah. blah. i told pete today i think we should go for an extended trip to australia when he is done with school, assuming australia is still there by then. i hope it is.

it’s almost 10:00 pm. what do people do at this time of night? i have been having this feeling lately like I AM NOT SURE WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING AT THIS TIME. it’s the job or the adulthood or the bermuda triangle or something.