Me: I can throw my farts. In large groups of people, I add in a “nose turned up” disgusted look to someone two or three people over from me to really make the throw authentic. No joke; I’ve tried it and it works every time! Not to mention, no one ever suspects a girl!! I am a master fartriliquist!

Hubby: you are sick and demented!

Me: I wonder if Jeff will add me to his show???? EEEKEE!! I’ll be famous!!!

Hubby: I doubt it!!

Me: whatever! You are just jealous of my many talents!

Are you a fartriliquist? How do you cover fluffing in public? Do you make it look like it was someone else, ignore the obvious, or fess up with an “excuse me”?

Comments

…and this was all taking place while you were EATIING!? OMG, you crack me up! I think women are particularly adept at SBDs – aka Silent But Deadly. That’s as much as I’m going to contribute to the conversation, LOL!

I’ve always had a serious problem with the subject of farts, toots, fluffs … whatevah. As soon as someone mentions the topic, let alone drops one, I start laughing! I can’t help it. So this post and the comments above have had me on the floor. Imagine my dilemma when I taught elementary school and those cute little six-year-old boys kept “tooting” and cracking up. Then Ms. Sands would, with a very straight face, have a kind chat with them. Oh. dear. My 4-year-old grandson asked me the other day if I tooted (I didn’t, honest!) and I assured him “Nana’s never do” so I may have to get some tips from you about this talent of yours.
p.s. Prudence, you are so right. Having a dog around is the best defence!

Oh no…HAHAHA!!! That would have been a real problem teaching elementary school. Eeekeee because little boys love to fart and laugh about it!! 🙂 “Nana’s never do…” You are definitely going to have to master fartriliquism if you want to keep up that charade as they get older. LOL!!!

Natalie. Tonight’s comment board definitely needs a guy whose been in those gassy trenches to sum things up. So here I am. As a REAL ‘guy’ I can attest that I am a seasoned veteran in the art of farting under pressure and in public. However, I do this for deliberate purposes. And I am never one to disguise. None of this clandestine wind for me. I DEMAND FULL CREDIT for the deed! On occasion while on the phone with my brother I will feel the urge and whisk the receiver quickly down to my buttocks just in time for a well placed and hopefully very trill sounding screacher. It warms his heart. And likewise he will return the gesture. It feels so right.

LOVE it Roy!!! Love it…
You and hubby rock out owning your farts. There’s something…manly about it!!
O.M.G. I read the piece about your farting on the phone to your brother and I near spit out my water! PRICELESS!!!

If I could throw my toots, that would be awesome! Like Patricia, I’m a huge giggler. I think they’re hilarious, but apparently not when your son’s teacher is talking to you about what those crazy kids do and how she doesn’t use the ‘F’ word in her home. Um, because you don’t fart? I’d like to see the person who never does that. Seriously, they are messed up. Farts are funny. My husband can actually tell whose it is by the smell. He’s sick. I blame it on the dogs or the kids. Every time.

Oh my land Tameri, I would NOT have been able to keep a straight face during that conversation. I’d have had to ask her “soo…how would you have rated it on sound and smell? A 6 or an 8?” WAHAHAHAHA!! No “f” word in her home…ppppllleeeaaassseee!! Whatever…
Your hubby is GENIUS!!!
The blame game can be just as effective as fartriliquism!! LOL!!

I tell you, as the younger sibling to a much taller brother, I suffered at the hands of my sibling (aka the Fart Master). He would sit on my head and let it rip, every single chance he got. It is absolutely VILE to have someone vibrate against your forehead that way.

Ah…but then young Jenny’s mama enrolled her in gymnastics! Young Jenny grew stronger and able to leap sitting brothers in a single bound…

Young Jenny mastered the LEAPING fart, whereby she could run through a room, leap over her brother as he relaxed against the couch with his cereal bowl, and release a perfectly timed POOFTER OF DEATH.

After landing on the other side of him, I’d continue out the other doorway at a dead run. All the better to not get caught and tortured. It was a gift from God, that leaping fart. I’ve lost the talent since then, but at one point I RULED.

O.M.G!!!
Well, I have to say, your brother (dang bag whores – can’t trust them) left you NO CHOICE with fart attacks like those!! I mean seriously – did he think you wouldn’t eventually find a way to retaliate? Silly man! That was likely his first lesson in “never underestimate a woman!” Woot woot.
I can picture you landing poofters of death with military precision (likely, this is WHAT inspired him to join the Missouri National Guard’s engineering battalion – it all comes back to you baby)!
I am sure the spirit of the poofter of death lives on deep within you…LOL!!!

And yes, I did. ONE time. In a grocery store. And I’m sure everyone trapped inside that building was sorry they chose that day to do their shopping. No one was more stunned (or disgusted) than I was because any other time no one would ever have known. Talk about a bad judgment call. I threw a dirty look at an 8 or 10 year old boy a few feet away and hurried to another aisle. Never, EVER again, LOL.

My sister tells a great story of ripping one in the meat section while shopping with her boyfriend. Shortly after, a customer wandered up, grabbed a pack of beef, sniffed loudly and said, “Mmm, mmm, smells like some good meat up in here!”

[…] Farting is an art for most of the men and many of the women I know. My pal, Natalie Hartford, does entire posts on the subject! She’s even provided the solution with Subtle Butt. I really believe the United States […]