Ch-ch-changes

Maybe everyone saw this coming except me, but mags and I finally ended our relationship in December. We had been having a rough time for some months, but were making a concerted effort to talk through issues and I thought we were making some headway. Apparently she thought differently.

To the very end, I was still enthusiastic about fixing things. I said explicitly that she could name her terms, that we could do this however she wanted. That didn’t seem to make a difference. She moved out and I spent days, weeks even, in a pretty dark place. After 18 years together, it was incredibly hard to imagine what my life would look like without her. I couldn’t even fathom it. With little warning, I would be wracked with sobbing.

Through it all, Bobo was simply amazing. She held me when I cried, listened to me vent my frustration and confusion, and soothed me when I couldn’t rest. This is all the more remarkable to me, considering that this change had a massive impact on her as well. The three of us had built a real family together. As much as the fighting between me and mags took a toll on Bobo, the dissolution of our family really hit Bobo. As if December in Portland isn’t dark enough, the big house felt emptier and grayer than ever.

But I’m sitting in Portland in February, staring at bright blue skies. I can’t remember the last time I cried about the changes thrust upon me. I have found love and support I didn’t know I had. I’ve had some amazing new experiences opened up to me, things that I never could have imagined in my prior life. And most amazing of all, I seem to have reacquired the “drama-free” life that is so important to me and was missing for so long!

Relationships have bloomed and evolved, in ways I never could have anticipated. My bond with Bobo is stronger and deeper than it has ever been. My general level of fitness continues to improve. And I have some wonderful adventures in store for 2015.

I was talking with a friend recently, and expressed a little surprise that I seem to have turned the corner so quickly, given the length of the relationship. She smiled ruefully and said, “Maybe it’s been longer than you think. Sounds to me like you’ve been breaking up for nearly two years.” Ooof. Maybe so.

The saddest, most hurtful thing is that mags has cut me so completely out of her life. The last words she said to my face were, “Even seeing you is more painful than I can stand.”