Unresolved Trauma Attracts the Sharks in the Dating Pool

Address old wounds before jumping into the dating pool

Imagine that your car breaks down in a remote spot known to be close to a Federal prison. Your cell phone isn't picking up a signal, so you are thrust on the mercy of a passing driver. In this scenario, would it be wiser to solicit help from another driver yourself or to sit in the car and wait for someone to notice your state of need and offer to help?

It would generally be wiser to take an active role in picking the target of your request for help. If you decide to actively request help, you could try to screen for certain factors that might indicate that a particular person would be relatively safe to hail—for example, a man or woman who appears to be riding with his or her young children.

Even if you picked at random, without looking for indicators of potentially safe helpers, you would be statistically less likely to pick a sociopath relative to the likelihood that a sociopath might pick you when he or she witnesses your obvious state of vulnerability.

As threat expert Gavin De Becker explains, “the possibility that you'll inadvertently select a predatory criminal for whom you are the right victim type is very remote."* In other words, if you were to wait passively in your car for someone to help you, you would most likely attract one of two types of people—either good Samaritans or opportunistic sociopaths drawn to your state of need.

For individuals with unresolved traumas, the mate-selection process often carries a double risk. That is, unhealed wounds of past trauma in your life lead to a higher likelihood that unsafe people will pick you, and if you actively pick a partner, it is much more likely that you will end up with an unsafe person.

In other words, if you have experienced a trauma, it is often true that you will unintentionally emit certain signals and behaviors that chum the water for the psychopathic sharks in the dating pool. Part of the “chum” in this analogy would be body language.

Research shows that there are differences in the body language of those identified by anti-social prisoners to be target victims and those who are not judged to be easy prey.** Anti-social, dominating, power-abusing individuals have a strong radar for those who are impulsive, those who do not respect themselves, those who are desperate to find love at any cost – basically anyone who will play opposite them in a submissive role for any number of reasons.

I’ve intentionally selected sharks for my analogy here because the behavioral patterns of sharks can show up in interactions between those in the dating pool. That is, before a shark attacks, it first circles and then bumps into its potential prey, feeling out its possible victim before going in for the kill.

In the same way, sharks in the dating pool will bump up against those they are getting to know, putting out feelers in the form of little tests to gauge the potential for dominating someone. There are many, many forms that these tests can take. Here are three examples…

A person who shows blatant disrespect by flaking out on plans at the last minute with no reasonable explanation… (testing whether the other person will allow him or herself to be treated disrespectfully)

A person who asks someone he or she has just met on the internet to “come visit for a weekend” (testing things like impulsiveness and how much the other person is willing to invest in a relationship that has barely begun, which may be a indicator of desperation or low self-esteem)…

A person who pressures someone into physical intimacy early in a relationship, before trust or safety has been well-established over a lengthy period of time…(testing level of self-respect, impulsivity, desperation, etc.)

A shark gains information about the potential to take advantage of someone by observing how that person responds to these kinds of tests. So, if you’ve ever met a captivating person who suddenly dropped out of your life with no explanation, one possibility is that a shark in the dating pool may have taken a pass because you did not show yourself to be easy prey.

Even if your goal is to have a healthy love relationship, if you have experienced certain types of past traumas, you may have a difficult time recognizing sharks when they present themselves as suitors because somehow they "feel like home." If we are sometimes drawn like moths to a flame to potentially abusive partners, could there be any logical reason for this pattern?

Some have argued that we select certain partners in order to re-stage trauma scenarios that mirror what we have experienced in the past, presumably with the hope of getting a different outcome. For example, the son of a verbally abusive mother will often end up with a verbally abusive wife. So, maybe this is an attempt to re-pave over an old trauma in order to emotionally correct a deep psychic wound? Whether or not this is the underlying psychological drive, the end result of picking someone you hope to change almost never leads to greater wholeness and emotional well-being.

Ultimately, in relationships, as in politics, if you ignore your history, you will tend to repeat it, so if you have not addressed and achieved healing from your trauma experience(s), doing so in a safe relationship with a treating professional is recommended as a first priority.

*De Becker, G. (1997). The Gift of Fear and Other Survival Signals that Protect us from Violence. New York, NY: Dell Publishing (a division of Random House, Inc.), p. 65.

Would you post a reference to the study about predatory criminals selecting victims from videotapes? I have heard about this study before, and the results were described very differently from the way you described it. I would like to read the original study.

Yes, I was referring to the Grayson and Stein (1981) study which suggested that body language differences lined up with victim/non-victim groupings. It’s actually a little different than I had remembered as well, but I think the point still stands – it seems that body language may signal vulnerability to predatory individuals.

Several studies have examined how nonverbal cues affect perceptions of submissiveness and vulnerability. Grayson and Stein (1981) made black and white videotapes (no sound) of 60 people walking in New York City. The videotaping was done at the same location for all people and was done without the knowledge of the videotaped individuals. The taped subjects were divided into 4 groups (men who appeared under 35, men who appeared over 40, women who appeared under 35, women who appeared over 40). A scoring system to rank assault potential was developed with the aid of 12 prison inmates incarcerated for violent assaults. Videotapes were then shown to 53 prison inmates (out of 80 solicited) incarcerated for a variety of violent assaults. They were asked to the rank assault potential of each person on the videotape. Each of the 4 groups had individuals perceived as easy victims. An equal number from each group was chosen to fill the non-victim group. The movement of each was analyzed using Labananalysis. This analysis looks at a variety of movement characteristics including: stride, arm movement, tempo, uprightness, weight shift, gaze, head movement, type of walk, and energy in the movement. Four of these characteristics showed significant differences between the victim and non-victim groups. These were: type of weight shift, body movement, type of walk, and foot movement. Essentially, people in the non-victim group tended to move with a normal stride and with postural movement; that is they moved their entire body with coordination rather than each part (hand, arm, leg, foot, head, etc.) moving in an uncoordinated manner. People in the victim group tended to move in a non-synchronous or anti-synchronous manner with a stride that was either too long or too short for their height.

Thanks, Shauna,
That's exactly how I had understood the results of the study. Predatory criminals select victims who appear to be physically weak and uncoordinated.

In other words, there's no evidence that the predators selected victims based on a history of unresolved trauma, impulsivity, or other psychological characteristics. The criminals appear to be sensitive to physical vulnerabilities that would make the target less able to fight back.

Right, I'm making an inference here - that there could be body language differences if someone has been victimized in the past. I was drawing on the Grayson and Stein study to establish that predatory people are actively on the lookout for all kinds of cues - verbal and non-verbal - that might indicate submissiveness or weakness in a potential target. I've changed the wording in a sentence of the blog to make sure the line about the Grayson and Stein study is accurate. Thanks.

and I think in this day and age of dating sites, what people post in their online profile can also do the equivalent of body language ( to an extent )

I would think predators detect clues such as when a woman ( or man )discloses her income in her profile, no matter if it is high or low, it is a bit naive to reveal that to thousands of strangers, it shows one migth be too trusting or naive ; exactly what sharks are looking for

Or when a woman (or man) says in her dating site profile she does not want some player or manipulator, she has met too many, this to the shark/predator be seen as a sign that she can probably be manipulated again.

the types of questions people ask in private messages on dating sites can also be tests - if one is a shark - the more the person tends to volunteer information the more the shark thinks this is an easy target.

Of course normal people with good intent - if they like your dating profile - are also quite curious and do ask a lot of questions they are simply showing interest - but sadly if one has been victimized by too many sharks they may become defensive...it can be quite confusing...

What I have encountered the most is women who post pictures of how they USED to look 10 years ago and 40 pounds less ago...what shows up on a first date sometimes looks more like their mother than the woman on the pictures...Those dishonest women may not be sharks/predators but not much better, but I digress!

But then again it all depends oh how all this is presented and the rest of the profile,
if everything else about that person says
"assertive/confident" then maybe the shark will search an easier target?

Dating sites are a weird - even freaky - world worthy of being analyzed

Last week a beautiful, intelligent, educated, articulated, funny, witty woman who seemed to be my perfect match - we were alike on a million things - she even told me she had a " healthy libido" once we met in person dropped the mask; she was a Jesus freak!! real one! she spoke about God, the Bible and praying for two straight hours!!!

The problem was NOT religion, her obsession could have been about Tarot cards, reincarnation or saving little turtles in the Amazon forests, the problem is that anyone who is obsessed about something to the point of ruining a nice evening and making potential mates run away screaming has a psychological problem.

And, being an excellent salesman, sold himself incredibly well. What he didn't say, and hid so well for a long time, is that he was very wounded from high school and college, from being "just another average guy" in a pool of guys that girls had their picks from. So in his mind, men were dumped mercilessly for a richer, more promising guy every day.

So, at 40, he racked up the frequent flier miles with every girl he could pick up on the websites (and a few that had dumped him or looked past him in HS and college, now divorced) now that he was successful. What I couldn't see is those scars were super-deep. He was fighting to make up for all the girls that dumped him before he was 25.
Although I promised him a 40-year-old who had her $h%^ together, he promised the same and wayyyy underdelivered...
Guys, please, for the sake of the next REAL relationship, get all of that out of your system before you actually try to have a RELATIONSHIP...
Sincerely,
The few of us left who are healthy and looking for the same

very good article. i am in a great relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years. before i met him, for 4 years in high school, i kept meeting guys offline for a lot of wrong reasons and they were sharks i was the prey. they were abusive (emotionally) and they always threaten me online after meeting them when things didn't go their way how they would rape or beat the crap out of me because i have a big mouth.

i do have a big mouth proud of it too because i will not tolerate someone lying to me. they stalked me, made my life miserable, they hated me (knew most of them for a day or a week, one guy i knew for a year and he was a nut). yea, it is unresolved trauma and i know what the trauma is.

i ended up making one sided friendships in my life who were similar to my parents. i always asked myself why am i meeting these kinds of people offline who are nutty and are not of sound mind? i am 26 in therapy for several weeks now my therapist has been great identifying my past trauma and why i act/think/feel/speak the way i do.

i don't speak to those jerks anymore and don't care too. i moved on why can't they? they would IM me online complaining how i was so horrible 8-9 years ago in high school or barely starting college in 04. i said what i had to say to them back then no point in bringing up crap that does not matter now.

It could be argued that nothing is more destructive of oneself, family or society than these kinds of pairings. Individuals are the source of self and other harming behaviors and typically those individuals are the results of tragic matings of mentally impaired folks.

Both nature and nuture play a role. Born with harmful natures the offspring of the brain disorders are nurtured in harmful ways by parent who suffered the same as children, from parents who suffered as children, thus generations of pain and suffering are produced.

It is a shame more money is not spent on understanding the inter-generational effects of the family effects of mental illnesses and especially the tragic consequences of the kinds of relationships described here.

Of course, once entered into they are very hard to get out of, and then if their are children....

Addictions and especially alcoholism is probably the most urgent example since it accounts for the dominant share of personal and social damage.

By definition, an alcoholic cannot survive without people enabling them. Their brains are born unequipped to be self-sufficient. For the disease to progress then it must be skilled at saying and doing whatever is needed, right now, to get from others what it was born unable to produce in it's own brain.

Tragically, other mental illnesses seem to create a ready pool of men and women ready to sacrifice their lives and those of their children and grandchildren to help the person suffering from alcoholism to stay drunk and slowly kill themselves.

Few individuals are as resourceful or skilled at getting their drug of choice, using others, as addicts. Drug addicts just die younger while ppl with alcoholism can go on for decades and a lifetime.

So while the brain impairments and birth defects causing addiction are well understood the personal and social harm done thru destructive relationships is pretty much ignored.

Symptom chasing, keeping the addict clean, is the priority while the brain based causes and damage done by the disease symptoms are largely ignored.

Has anyone seen any study of just the experiences of spouses of ppl with alcoholism?

The point about traumatic attachments, mentioned here, will no doubt someday be traced to specific, likely PTSD-like brain damage, probably in long term memory, that drives the destructive pairing behavior. We could even have animal models. It can't bee to soon -- for future generations.