Wife is tired of trying to read between the lines

Dear Chris, My husband of more than 30 years reads at the table, and I abhor it. I have told the children if Dad wants to be rude that is his choice, but I refuse to let them read at the table with another person present. My husband has been aware of my feelings for three decades. If the kids or others are here for dinner, he won't read. Otherwise, when he heads to the table, he goes to the bookshelf first or gets the newspaper. I try to make conversation but just get one-word answers. He never lifts his eyes from the page and gets mad when I interrupt him. It's the same thing if we eat out. On our 30th anniversary, we sat in a nice restaurant and he pulled out a newspaper. He sat there with arms extended so I could see the entire back page of the paper and nothing else. I was so upset, I picked up my plate and moved to an empty table. We were in another state on a long weekend away, and I could not believe he could be this disrespectful of me on this special day. Needless to say, things were quite unpleasant in that tiny motel room that night. I have never once hidden how I feel about this practice. If I ask why he reads only when it's just us, he swears he reads all the time when his brothers are present. If I bring it up when they are present and there is nothing being read, he says I am just trying to start a fight. How, aside from burning all reading material in the house, can I stop this rude, hurtful behavior? He reads condiment containers, cereal boxes, and anything he can get his hands on. I love his love of reading, but this is ridiculous. Our work schedules are so opposite each other that we have little or no time together. Why he doesn't want to catch up, or just have a conversation is beyond me. Please help me! The Reading WidowDear Widow, If he likes reading so much, make sure you slide him this column at your next dinner. Your husband's table-reading is, indeed, a violation of etiquette, which is based on three principles -- honesty, respect and consideration, says Elizabeth Howell of the Emily Post Institute, which teaches etiquette and civility in American business and life. "Clearly, in this relationship, he's aware of how you feel and it is extremely inconsiderate for him to continue this behavior," she says. He knows better than to read in front of others and needs to show you the same consideration. Howell understands your husband, too, however. As much as she shuddered at your letter, she admits she's been scolded by her own husband for reading at the table. "You're exhausted, you want to sit down, you want to have your brain engaged in something," she explains of her lapse of manners. She no longer reads, however, when other people are present. But back to you. "The good news is that you've maintained your sense of humor, so I give you a lot of credit," Howell says. "You have to understand this is a habit of his. You have to create times for it to be OK for him to read at the table." In striking this compromise, make sure the conversation is just that, a conversation and not an argument. Make your case at a time when you won't get upset, Howell says. Gently tell your husband that his reading makes you feel disrespected. Tell him you'd really appreciate it if he'd try to cut back. Suggest that he not read for a week to see how you both like it, Howell says. Or maybe he could alternate reading and nonreading dinners. Or, "Make sure he's had time to read the paper before you sit down for dinner," Howell says. "If that means you have an extended cocktail hour before, all the better." Any married couple can run out of things to talk about, especially after 30 years. So, as unnatural as this may sound, make sure you have several interesting topics of conversation in mind for your meal, Howell says. If none of this works, go ahead and take out your matches ... Send "Ask Chris" questions to ccox@sbtinfo.com, or Chris Cox, Features, The South Bend Tribune, 225 W. Colfax Ave., South Bend, IN 46626.