Everyday anxieties: the little things that crush my vibe

I worry. A lot. About literally everything. I am perpetually thinking of the worst case scenario and trying to prepare for it. My shrink tells me that I am living in a future worry state and that I “catastrophize” everything. In other words, I have generalized anxiety disorder. As if being an almost-30 year old woman who has no idea what she wants to be when she grows up isn’t challenging enough, let’s throw on the bacon bits of an anxiety disorder, just to keep things interesting! Hooray!

It’s too early in our budding relationship for me to give you the full backstory of how I got here (it’s a doozy, trust me). Instead, I’m here to share with you some of my daily personal battles to:

a) hopefully confirm that I’m not the only one that feels this way (please say I’m not), and
b) hopefully show you that you aren’t either (I promise you you’re not!).

3

Waking up
That’s right folks, just being conscious is more often than not the first thing that makes me anxious. I could be getting up on the morning that I’m set to accept a Nobel Prize for curing EVERYTHING and I’d still have a knot in my stomach. (Ok, maybe the stakes would be pretty high that particular day, but you catch my drift.) Weekday, weekend, no matter. It’s that constant feeling that if I don’t assume the worst is going to happen, then I won’t be prepared for it and I’ll fail. You’d assume I lived in a war-torn nation or that I just recently escaped one. But no, that’s just my special default setting.

4

GIF

Washing my hair
It doesn’t matter if I’ve literally just stepped out of the shower, I’ll start planning out when I’ll wash my hair next. “Ok but if I wash it today, I can’t wash it again tomorrow or it’ll dry out. But I have to see so-and-so the next day and I can’t have greasy hair. Dry shampoo??? Should I just bail? Can I wash it before work? But it’s cold out, I’ll get sick. Oh man, I can’t get sick. Is my throat sore right now??” And so on…

5

Laundry
This is actually the bane of my existence. I start thinking about this as soon as one dirty sock hits my hamper. “Ok, I have to wait a few days so I have a proper load. But next Tuesday, if I book it out of work, I can be home by like 5:15 and get it done by like 7:30 at the latest.” The best part is

a) I still procrastinate until there’s an actual mountain of laundry, and
b) the torment I cause myself is ALWAYS so much worse than actually DOING laundry.

In the end, I feel awesome for having just done this insanely simple task. That’s when my self-critic pops up to remind me how long I put off such an easy task. And then I put a sock in the hamper…. *sigh*

6

GIF

Picking an outfit
I am not by any stretch of the imagination a fashionable or trendy person. If I could wear superhero tees, jeans, and Chucks everyday I’d be as happy as a clam. However, in planning outfits for the week (I have maybe 20 different business casual outfits, 5 of which I actually like) I work myself up into a furious tizzy. I consider the weather – “If it’s raining, I can’t wear those pants because they’re too long and will get soaked. I should get them hemmed. Why haven’t I done that yet? I’m an idiot.” If it’s going to be warm out – “I want to wear that dress but do I have a clean cardigan to go with it? I can’t wear it without the cardigan. My arms are too huge! Ugh I should go to the gym. I’m an idiot.” And so on. And so on.

7

Deciding on dinner
This one is always fun. I could have a whole fridge full of groceries and spend my whole day looking up 15 minute recipes. (Sorry Boss!!) Keep in mind, I have zero plans for the night but still have it in my head that I have to hurry home and whip something up as fast as possible. I’ll think about it all day, rush home and realize I am missing one ingredient. Something like paprika or cumin. Instead of walking the 10 minutes to the HUGE GROCERY STORE in my neighbourhood, I’ll call up the local Greek joint and drown myself in self-loathing and tzatziki. Or, I’ll call popcorn, mortadella, cheese and tomatoes dinner. Adulting. #killingit

8

Locking myself out
The beauty of anxiety is that it will never ever ever let you forget any of your “failures.” ONE time I was leaving home and my then boyfriend wanted to be sweet and walk me out. He kissed me goodbye and locked the door behind me. Then he went out of town on business for a day or two. I came home that evening (admittedly) a couple of pints in, and DYING to empty my bladder. I frantically searched my purse and quickly realized, my keys were sitting just inside on the hook, where I had left them that morning. *thumbs up* Henceforth, thanks to that tiny slip up, even with my keys in my hands, AS I’M LOCKING THE DOOR, I have to reassure myself that I won’t be locked out. #crushingit

9

Losing my cat
Closely related to my intense fear of locking myself out of my own apartment is the fear of losing my cat. She is an indoor cat, and is afraid of most sudden movements and noises. But if I don’t see her clearly as I’m closing the door on my way out I start to feel a familiar fire in my belly. Is that you, anxiety? OF COURSE IT IS! Could she have slipped past me? Did I open the front door before I shut my apartment door? Did I lock her in the bathroom? More often than not, I get outside the house and look back to see her sitting INSIDE on the window sill. I think she catches my vibe when I’m freaking and does what she can to pacify me. (Side note: She is in fact the love of my life. I encourage you all to give it a lot of thought, and if you’re ready for a fur baby, adopt, don’t shop.)

10

GIF

Losing my transit pass
I keep my transit pass in the same pocket of my coat or purse, depending on the season. Every morning I walk to the subway, and just before I cross the street to the station, I take it out of my pocket. I hold it in my hand and grab a paper. I swipe and walk through the turnstile. I return the pass to the same pocket and yet, without fail, about 2 stops into my commute I have a sudden wave of “oh no, did I drop it?!? It’s so early in the month! I can’t have dropped it!” And guess what, I never have.

11

GIF

Not having the answer/solution
This one, this my friends is what it all boils down to. In school, I was the overachiever. I almost always knew the answer and sadly, valued myself almost entirely based on that. It was tangible. Couldn’t be taken away. But then school ended. I got to the end of the only path that ever seemed certain. Concrete. I got good grades throughout elementary and high school. Got into a university with a scholarship. Got my degree and got a job. But now what? We live in the age of choice, options, infinite possibilities. All the knowledge you could want is one Google search away. You’d think that would make me calmer, but I’m overwhelmed instead. Every choice feels larger than it ever has and MOST days I feel less and less prepared to face it all. Mortgages?? Mutual funds??? Marriage?? Whaaaaaat?!?

Here’s the silver lining though. Here’s what I want you to walk away with (and what I use to semi-successfully talk myself down when I focus on any of the above trivialities to distract myself from the big fears I have about life): no one has the answers. They have their own answers, but no one has THE answer. We’re all just puttering about, trying to make sense of it all. It’s up to us to somehow accept that the uncertainty, the doubt, the fear and subsequent anxious freak-outs are all subject to perspective. Let’s aim for progress, not perfection and hopefully sometime in the not-too -distant future we’ll figure it out. Until then, know you’re not alone and you’re doing just fine.

Niki is an ALMOST 30 something, recently single, Batman obsessed, Toronto based cat mom who has enjoys rambling, staying up until its early and Wine Wednesdays. She and Netflix have a really great relationship and French fries are her favorite food group.