Tuesday 3 October Post-Apocalyptic Suburbia

From our special correspondents E.Savinalaar-Finney and Fay Canuz

Cricket in October

‘Lakegate’ affair rumbles on

Winchmore Hill goes politically correct

AGM and social update

Cricket in October

As members are no doubt aware, last Sunday’s final game of the season at Highgate CC was called off due to a waterlogged pitch, thus thwarting the Tigers in their initial attempt to play a cricket match in the month of October. The Highgate pitch is quite low-lying and, despite the predicted Sunday deluge not appearing, the cricket square had simply accumulated too much precipitation earlier in the week, the water level being quite high in that area. However, the club is pleased to announce that the match has been re-scheduled for Sunday 22nd October with a 10 am start.

This was probably just as well, since only eight members had made themselves available, which was at least an improvement on six the previous week, although a scratch eleven did eventually take the field for that fixture. Many members appeared to have given up the ghost by early September, indeed some of them as early as July! As the club makes greater efforts to improve player availability, international lawyers Soo, Grabbitte and Runne have been employed to review players’ contracts, with a view to weeding out some dead wood in time for next summer, mountaineers and smokers seemingly being at the highest risk. Speaking of which…

‘Lakegate’ affair rumbles on

Many of you were obviously aware of recent newspaper reports concerning a group of middle-aged climbers having to be rescued by the emergency services from Scafell Pike mountain in the Lake District, becoming befuddled after partaking in illegal narcotics. Rumours immediately began to persist that two members of the Judd Street Tigers Cricket team, on a weekend holiday in the area, were among this party. Although not named in police or newspaper reports, the two are believed to be a high-ranking official of the club and a grizzled veteran of many years standing, or not.

Tigers “in the same place, at the same time”

In fairness, both men have denied culpability – ‘It wasn’t us, honestly!!! We just happened to be in the area at the same time’, an excuse previously used by the likes of Guido Fawkes and Lee Harvey Oswald; and did not help their cause by posting photographs of themselves on social media, looking somewhat distressed and praising the emergency services. ‘If it wasn’t them, it should have been!’ joked one Tiger member. Nevertheless, the club has begun an urgent investigation into the matter. A club spokesman told Tiger News. ‘This is a very serious business and if the pair are found to be involved they will be in very serious trouble indeed. It’s bad enough that they are holidaying when their team is short of players, and we simply cannot afford the good name of the club to be dragged through the mud in this way.’

Winchmore Hill goes politically correct

…And more bad news for smokers, as the Winchmore Hill club plans a blanket ban on smoking within the confines of the Paulin Ground in north London for next season, together with a crackdown (!?) on drug addicts and sex workers using the club car park for their illegal activities. This is particularly bad news for the Winchmore Hill 1st XI, recently promoted to Division Two of the Middlesex Cricket League, but also for the occasional Sunday sides that utilize the ground.

Sausage “in the same place, at the same time”

New WH groundsman Mo DeGrasse explains: ‘It’s bad enough having to go round every Monday clearing up used needles and condoms, without picking up dozens of fag ends left on the field by these Sunday cricketers, along with all their plastic bottles and other rubbish.’ In addition, dog owners who fail to bag up their animal’s waste products will be prosecuted, ill-disciplined Golden Retrievers being apparently the worst miscreants, though not well-behaved pedigree Spaniels.

AGM and social update

Club members and friends are reminded that this year’s Annual General Meeting and club social will be held in the upstairs suite at The Island Queen public hostelry in Islington on Friday 10th November 2017, commencing 7pm, with the usual poncy foreign food, drinks, shouting and boring speeches, so plenty of time for members to get those excuses in early for non-attendance.