Tag: meditate

So recently I went to a four-part meditation course with a friend. We both suffer from a bit of anxiety and stress so thought it might be a way to release the fears. Thing is, I’m in no way ‘woo-woo’. Or particularly capable of being something I’m not. What I learned on my Introduction to Meditation is that I don’t wish to read chapter two. I’m a runner. I relax by going for a run. That clears my mind. Sitting does not. I appreciate meditation is a great release for some people. The analogy of the water and soil in a glass, I get that (basically the soil cant settle until the water is completely still). But maybe I like a bit of soil in my life. Perhaps that’s what keeps me on my toes, maybe that’s how I thrive. I have always worked quite well under pressure. Basically, stillness is not for me. I like to move. I like to shake out the dirt, rather than let it settle. If you’re in any way like me – that is, somewhat uptight (though I like to call it energetic and passionate) – you might relate to some of these thoughts I had while meditating. And by meditating I mean being my usual cynical self while sat in a Buddah-like stature.

This is going to be awesome. Maybe I’ll stop being a stressed, uptight bitch all the time.

Maybe I’ll be able to get a headache without assuming it’s a brain tumour. Or have an itchy finger without Googling ‘finger cancer’.

Wow. I just paid $20 to sit.

We’re all sitting cross legged on carpet. This feels like school.

Ah school.

Seriously, remember school. I feel like a huge giant overhead projector needs to be wheeled in.

“Walk yourself back through everything you did today”. Seriously? I can’t remember what happened ten minutes ago let alone the entire day backwards.

WHAT DID I DO AT WORK TODAY.

WHAT THE HELL DID I HAVE FOR LUNCH.

Oh yeah salad. Fucking salad. Why am I reliving this again?

God my posture is shit.

I think I can hear someone hoovering.

Gosh I must hoover the apartment.

Focus.

Well, focus on not focusing.

Ommmmmmmmmm.

God I need to sneeze.

*sneeze*. This instructor now thinks I am an idiot. Zen people don’t sneeze.

My nose has never been more itchy in my life.

I wonder how long we’ve been sitting here.

My leg is numb.

Yep, and my foot.

Yay pins and needles.

I wonder if I’m meditating yet.

“So you should now be reaching mid-morning in your journey back through the day”. Oh, really? Everyone else’s day was clearly more eventful than mine then. Reliving sitting in my desk chair chomping on a lettuce leaf didn’t take me long.

“Think about how to be relaxed instead of stressed. For example, when you lose your keys. Just calmly walk your mind back through the day to when you last had them.” Seriously? If I can’t find my keys and Nando’s is about to close I’m gonna tear the house apart like a crazy ass freak of nature until I find them, okay?

I’m definitely too uptight for this.

I think I’m falling asleep.

Wow I’ve never felt my vertebral discs before. But there they are. Individually burning one at a time.

I’m definitely slouching.

I’d do anything to open my eyes right now.

Shit I’m meant to be meditating.

Why am I out of breath?

Oh my god we’re chanting. I’ll just mime along.

How does everyone else know the chant and I don’t?

This is nothing like Les Mills Body Balance.

Please stop talking about my past life.

“Just 2 more minutes”. FUCK YEAH nailed it.

Though all I’ve done is think.

Idiot.

I’m hungry. I wonder if everyone can hear my stomach rumbling.

WHY DO I SWALLOW SO LOUDLY? Nobody else is swallowing.

He’s going to know I’m not in a state of zen.

Why can’t I do this shit lying down.

My bum is more numb than after a RyanAir flight.

God this is a long two minutes.

“Okay, open your eyes slowly”. How do you feel?”

The same. Just with pins in needles in limbs I didn’t know could get pins and needles.

I’m definitely not zen enough for meditation. I’ll just stick to swearing and crying every now and again.

Anyone else felt like this?! Tell me I’m not alone, would ya?! Until then, I’ll be, most likely, in a frenzy somewhere – though I truly believe that frenzy will set me on the path to the greatness to follow. It’s called being driven.