Review: Syfy’s ‘Sharknado’ hits the schlocky motherlode

Well, I just watched and live-tweeted all of Syfy’s “Sharknado.” Therefore, I must write about it here as well, coming up just as soon as I grab my bar stool…

I remember the day “Snakes on a Plane” was released, I decided that the only point in seeing it at all would be to go on opening night and watch it in a crowded, noisy theater. That was the right call, as that movie is dreadful to sit through solo when it’s on cable. (Which is all the time.) Some movies are just designed as communal experiences: “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” “The Sound of Music.”

But could I recommend “Sharknado” outside that specific intersection of time, space and social media?

Possibly.

“Sharknado” was, thankfully, exactly what the title promised. (Though it took a while to get there, and for its first hour seemed like it should have been called “Sharkicane.”) It offered us sharks in every ridiculous location and circumstance imaginable. It offered us terrible one-liners (a pool of shark-created blood is greeted with “Looks like it’s that time of the month!”), Cousin Oliver from “The Brady Bunch” being killed by a flying chunk of the Hollywood sign, and Ian Ziering being surrounded by such a motley bunch of co-stars (notably Tara Reid as his ex-wife) that he seemed like the most charismatic actor in the business. Our pal Steve Sanders did it all: he calculated wave patterns, rappelled off a bridge to rescue a bus full of schoolkids, killed sharks with pinpoint handgun marksmanship and, in the film’s masterpiece, dove into the open mouth of a shark with a chainsaw so he could cut his way out, unscathed, from the inside.

Even better, though, was the fact that of all the thousands of sharks that were tormenting the greater Los Angeles area at that moment, Ziering just happened to dive into the exact shark that had so recently swallowed whole his bartender and potential love interest Nova(*), who emerged alive and unscathed from falling out of a helicopter and into that very shark’s maw a few scenes earlier. It was, perhaps, the greatest coincidence in the history of the cinema.

(*) In a creative decision that was both awkward and seemed to fundamentally misunderstand how much the audience wanted to see Tara Reid get eaten by a shark, the film ends with Ziering and Reid reunited, while Nova has hooked up with their son (who looks even older than Ziering did in the final days of “90210”).

Nova (played by “Make It or Break It” alum Cassie Scerbo, who handled her shotgun nearly as well as Ziering did his pistol, and should use this as a launchpad into a fine career in straight-to-video action) was also handed the movie’s clumsiest “Jaws” homage (declaring, non-sensically except for the sake of the gag, “We’re gonna need a bigger chopper” while Ziering’s son flew her towards one of the sharknadoes), and a mash-up of Robert Shaw’s classic “Jaws” speech about the USS Indianapolis and Phoebe Cates’ Santa speech in “Gremlins,” in which we found out that the real reason Nova hates sharks is not because they’ve been responsible for the deaths of dozens of people right in front of her over the course of this particular film, but because a shark murdered her grampa. That’s right: the heroine of “Sharknado” needed a tragic shark-related backstory to justify her behavior throughout the film.

Was this significantly better, worse or sillier than your average Syfy film? I can’t speak to that, as it’s been a few years since my last one. I expect a lot of the flaws (cheap special effects that all looked temporary, weird edits and close-ups that suggested none of the actors in a scene were actually in the same room when it was filmed) can be found on any given Thursday or Saturday night on Syfy. But the title and premise of this one was so ludicrous that it became a draw for me and other looky-lous, and it gave us exactly what we wanted: something unapologetically dumb and cheap and outrageous to laugh at (and, occasionally, with) for a couple of hours on a slow summer Thursday night.

And though Twitter volume rarely translates into hard ratings (see “Smash” for proof of this), I would not be at all surprised to come to work tomorrow to find a press release from Syfy greenlighting “Sharkalanche,” “Sharkquake” or possibly “Sharkpocalypse: The Series,” in which Ziering battles sharks that have been mixed up in various weather systems each week.

For those who watched live tonight, what did you think? For those of you who weren’t watching but were seeing all us idiots talk about it, did you feel like you were missing anything? And for those of you who happened to watch it later, or away from the social media bubble, did you take any pleasure from this big slab of cheese?

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Okay first off this movie is why Twitter was made, second why the hell am I signed in as rugman11 when I’ve never heard of the guy? Some weird sign in stuff going on here lately.

By: rugman11

07.12.2013 @ 12:04 PM

Are you me? Am I you? My worlds is all askew!

By: truth

07.12.2013 @ 3:53 AM

Best. Movie. EVER!!!!!!

By: sajid anwar

07.12.2013 @ 3:53 AM

That was awesome. The backstory about grandpa being eaten by a shark was awesome. The guy saying “now I hate sharks too” after hearing the story was awesome. It was all so awesome.

By: Rugman12

07.12.2013 @ 4:03 AM

Until that back story I had no idea why she would defend herself against bloodthirsty flying sharks

By: tvwritergirl

07.12.2013 @ 4:06 AM

It was such a bonding moment.

By: Darly314

07.13.2013 @ 11:41 PM

True, who would ever hate sharks or tornados? I live in No. Florida, 45 miles from the ocean, 2 miles from the St. Marys. Shark & tornados are just part of life…..; )

By: John

07.12.2013 @ 3:54 AM

Maybe it’s the post-Sharknado high talking, but I think Ziering could be in a waaay down the dial cable TV series.

By: Hank Scorpio

07.12.2013 @ 3:54 AM

If you’re not Rugman 11, then who is my father?

Also could we start some bad shark puns. Not even being sharkastic…

By: Sammy

07.12.2013 @ 3:54 AM

Didn’t watch it, but totally felt like I got the experience via Twitter, GIFs and vine. Thank you the Internet. Thank you.

By: dennis

07.12.2013 @ 2:01 PM

no, as crazy as the comments were, it’s nothing like seeing the fine film work for yourself!

By: Anthony

07.12.2013 @ 3:59 AM

I wasn’t watching, and I ABSOLUTELY felt like I was missing out on something special. Which is why I’m DVR-ing the 1:00 AM repeat airing.

By: milaxx

07.12.2013 @ 4:00 AM

I thanks twitter for making me cave into peer pressure. *THIS* was awesome!

By: Sunny

07.12.2013 @ 4:02 AM

Maybe Mitch Hurwirtz could have include a Buster Bluth-centered Sharknado homage in the next Arrested Development season?

By: tvwritergirl

07.12.2013 @ 4:04 AM

Cousin Oliver! Thank you, that was going to bug me until at least tomorrow when I forgot all about it. I enjoyed the heck out of the movie for exactly what it was meant to be, a two-hour no thinking required fun fest. And the tweets helped too. I had numerous people who weren’t watching the movie say they were enjoying it through the twitter feeds.

By: Maggie

07.12.2013 @ 4:05 AM

I loved your live tweets and your review cracked me up so much I read chunks of it aloud. Thank you!

By: Marquan

07.12.2013 @ 4:08 AM

Totally enjoyed the movie, but I was slightly disturbed by the fact that 37 year old Tara Reid was supposed to be the mother of a character played by a 30 year old actor? On the other hand, way to stick the landing on this one, SyFy.

By: Zach R.

07.12.2013 @ 4:09 AM

I was actually watching Orange is the New Black (which, as an aside, when I first searched for it on Netflix I searched Orphan is the New Black, thanks Alan) instead of this. I kept updating my twitter feed though and saw everyone talking about it and really did feel like I was missing out on something. It really made me think of how communal of an experience twitter has made television watching and how it enhances the live watching experience.

By: HistoryofMatt

07.12.2013 @ 4:11 AM

SyFy used to be SciFi, and the once, long ago, for a brief few years, aspired to something much greater than this.

Battlestar Galactica.

This… is just sad. I get the whole hipster, post-modern irony, let’s make fun of the bad movie together because it’s “fun” thing…

… but seriously… this is the network 78 episodes of the greatest science fiction series to ever air on television.

And then they decided that they didn’t want to make more greatness.

Instead, they decided it would be better to make Sharknado. And Sharktopus. And Two-Headed Shark Attack.

There are not enough sighs in the world to express my exasperation.

By: sajid anwar

07.12.2013 @ 4:14 AM

A man chainsawed himself out of a shark tonight. HAVE SOME RESPECT!!!!!!

By: Sidekick Happy Dave

07.12.2013 @ 4:19 AM

Welcome To The History Of Matt: Our host Matt “depressed” Smith

By: Col Bat Guano

07.12.2013 @ 4:28 AM

Don’t forget that film with the intelligent baboons.

By: Ian Whitcombe

07.12.2013 @ 6:03 AM

I imagine that if Ron Moore watched Sharknado, he would think it better than what he thought of “Black Market”

By: That Werewolf Guy

07.12.2013 @ 6:17 AM

While I think that BSG was one of the dumbest post 9/11 shows that hit the TV screens, I agree with you in terms of these “so bad it’s good” movies. That’s exactly why we can’t have any nice things! I’m sure Scyfiy has lots of scripts for intelligent movies and series on their desk, but won’t touch them, because they aren’t wink-wink-nudge-nudge enough.

By: Jonas.Left

07.12.2013 @ 7:08 AM

HISTORYOFMATT – I hereby pledge all of my sighs to the expression of your exasperation.

By: David

07.12.2013 @ 1:14 PM

I guess 50 years from now, nobody will remember if this was unintentional comedy or intentional-unintentional comedy, but I agree with Historyofmatt. I’d rather watch a movie that is trying to be a masterpiece and failing miserably than some winking piece of shit that was created for the sole purpose of lighting up Twitter. Fuck the age of irony.

By: Maureen

07.12.2013 @ 7:20 PM

“A man chainsawed himself out of a shark tonight. HAVE SOME RESPECT!!!!!!”

This comment is hilarious!

By: Sean

07.12.2013 @ 4:11 AM

I was more interested until everyone started tweeting about it this afternoon.

By the time the movie started and everyone had a snarky comment to make, I wanted it to go away and die.

Sharknado jumped the sharked. Everyone watching the same thing ironically and tweeting about it has to be the most insufferable thing I could possibly imagine.

Just had to pop in here to ask if we should be watching these SYFY extravaganzas ironically. The stress and strain “we”(caution: I’m being derisive here, not ironic) endure to experience irony in our daily life amuses the piss out of me. I think the word we’re looking for here, people, is sardonic. I know it’s not as hip but if we all feed the Twitterverse at the same time, I’m sure that we can change this.

By: sajid anwar

07.12.2013 @ 4:12 AM

Only people bummed out tonight are the showrunners of Battlestar Galactica. Forever will be tainted by the fact that their show aired on same network as this movie.

By: Kendra

07.12.2013 @ 4:13 AM

The only reason I watched this is because everyone else on my Twitter feed was going to watch it. Man, I’m glad I did. Twitter was great but even that great tool couldn’t quite capture just how much Sharknado turned cheesiness into an art form.

When Ian’s character went into the shark, I was hoping that it’d be the one with Nova inside and did a fist pump when she came out.

The most perfect part of it was the “Fin” at the end. It’s just a fantastic knowing wink to the audience.

By: War Chief Shake Zula

07.12.2013 @ 4:26 AM

Why not Sharknado vs. Pirahnaconda? That would be a semi-worthwhile use of someone’s time.

By: J

07.12.2013 @ 11:21 AM

>>a semi-worthwhile use of someone’s time.

If history holds true, probably Debbie Gibson’s or Tiffany’s.

By: Tony C

07.12.2013 @ 4:47 AM

This Movie was like a no hitter in baseball. The more the movie progressed, the more intense and fun it got until the end which was shocking and wonderful.

By: snowlarbear

07.12.2013 @ 4:50 AM

haven’t seen it but just reading my twitter feed was a great experience. it’s nice when everyone can agree to stop taking themselves so seriously and just give themselves in to the sharknado.

By: Jonas.Left

07.12.2013 @ 7:03 AM

In “Mother Night” Kurt Vonnegut writes about an American spy who poses as a Nazi propagandist during WWII and the consequences of his actions. The novel basically argues that when you pretend to be something you become that thing regardless of your true intentions. I don’t care how self-aware these intentionally awful, cheapo monster movies are. Ultimately they’re just bad and the people and the network responsible for them are doing bad work. SyFy is an embarassment. There was a time that Sci-Fi aired quality science fiction, both original and classic, and if some of its shows weren’t good at least it wasn’t for lack of trying. Now it’s reality shows and this dreck. At least Ed Wood was trying to make films he could be proud of. That makes him better than these “so bad it’s good” hacks.

That said, the tweets were pretty goddamn funny.

So to paraphrase “This is Spinal Tap”, my one word review: Shitnado.

By: Rooaddog08

07.12.2013 @ 10:01 AM

Alas, poor Syfy. I knew him, Horatio.

By: srpad

07.12.2013 @ 11:49 AM

People, a man sat down with pen in hand to tell a story. The story of a tornado filled with sharks. Please have some respect.

By: StephenB

07.12.2013 @ 1:13 PM

Can someone please explain the first scene with the Japanese guy on the fishing boat? The audio dub was so bad I couldn’t understand if that directly led to the sharknado. Was that just a precursor to the sharknado?

By: TriniSimSim

07.14.2013 @ 3:00 PM

It was just a precursor. A pun to open the movie. Sharks eating sharks.

By: Barbara Stoner

07.12.2013 @ 1:44 PM

Between you and Poniewozik, I now feel as if I missed the best thing since sliced bread. I thought I was having fun watching the first episode of Foyle’s War on Netflix, but it turns out I don’t know how to have fun at all. Thank gods I still have sliced bread. More toast.

By: Joyeful

07.12.2013 @ 2:07 PM

That and Fienberg tweeting the west coast feed. I don’t have Syfy, and I just wanted to watch to be in on the fun.

By: Daryush

07.12.2013 @ 2:04 PM

If sharknado strikes again, will you be prepared? Uber is! Sign up with promo code “sharknado” and to get $20 off your first ride

By: jake

07.12.2013 @ 2:36 PM

I am genuinely confused why THIS SyFy monster movie became a big national event, while so many other ridiculous concepts that were executed in similar ways passed with hardly a whisper.

By: smreyno

07.12.2013 @ 2:51 PM

The trailers were ludicrous and were making the rounds for awhile (a friend sent me it days ago because it was lulztastic). I didn’t watch, but I was aware of it in a way I’m not of most of the SyFy movie dregs. I think it just caught on social media and spread. It doesn’t sound any worsebetter than such classics as FRANKENFISH or CURSE OF THE KOMODO.

By: CordCutter

07.12.2013 @ 2:41 PM

Didn’t watch, but enjoyed the tweets anyway. What I’ve never understood about these SyFy movies is whether they are intentionally so cheesy/bad or if they are actually trying to make a decent blockbuster knock-off and fail every time.

By: That Werewolf Guy

07.12.2013 @ 8:06 PM

At first they were simply failing, but since a few years they act like they are in on the joke and still fail.

By: Julie

07.12.2013 @ 3:11 PM

I haven’t laughed so hard at a movie since The Exorcist. “And it keeps getting funnier every time I see it!”

The rope-climbing shark was probably my favorite moment, outside of Steve’s miraculous shark gullet recovery. Glorious. It would have been less fun if I hadn’t been simultaneously Facebooking the movie live and ignoring my husband’s glares for turning off The Sopranos and making him watch Tara Reid emote with all the energy of a tranquilized…shark.

By: andy

07.12.2013 @ 3:36 PM

My son and I watched it and laughed and laughed til we peed our pants. By far the worst, yet best movie SyFy has ever produced. We need Mystery Science 3000 back for one episode just to screen this movie.

By: Rick

07.12.2013 @ 5:11 PM

Schlocky original movies have been a staple of this channel, regardless of its name, for at least a decade, before, during and after the run of “BSG.” (See: “Mansquito,” 2005, et al)

Bemoan the state of the channel all you want, but this kind of programming predates “Syfy” by several years.

By: Jared K

07.12.2013 @ 5:39 PM

Greatest lines from this instant classic.

1. “Instead of letting live sharks rain down on people, we’re going to get in that chopper and throw bombs into the tornados.” – Ian Ziering’s son was just a bundle of charisma and good ideas.

2. “They took my grandfather. So I really hate sharks.”/”Now I really hate sharks too.” – Nova’s tragic backstory may have been THE highlight of the movie for me.

3. “Hey, is that a nitrous button?” – Of course it is. Why are you so surprised, Fin?

4. “Looks like it’s that time of month.” – This line pretty much set the bar for the entire movie.

5. “Beverly Hill’s emergency services are second to none.” – Tara Reid’s douchecanoe boyfriend, seconds before he is eaten by a shark.

6. “It’s flooding in here. Not the plumbing. The ocean.” – Because that needed to be clarified.

7. “We’ll stand and fight. We can’t just wait for sharks to rain down on us.” – Don’t forget about the ones

8. “Sharks in a tornado. Sharknado. Simply stunning.” – He said, in the flattest tone he could muster.

9. “That’s a tiger shark.” “How do you know that?” “Shark Week.” – A reasonable observation from Nova, but really, they missed the boat by not having Tara Reid’s character be the world’s foremost expert on sharks.
10. “Sharks don’t like vegemite”. Really? You’d think that they would.

“We’re going to need a bigger chopper” is disqualified because otherwise it just wouldn’t be fair.

Needless to say, I will be watching the career of writer Thunder Levin (yes, that is his actual name) with great interest.

By: jimmer

07.12.2013 @ 6:36 PM

Oh my god, what a disaster I loved every minute of it. They need to show this on the weekend so people can play a drinking game while watching.

By: Ally

07.13.2013 @ 5:10 AM

That this blog time stamps comments with “EST” in the summer really says it all.

By: Matt

07.14.2013 @ 9:01 PM

I loved every minute of Sharknado. It was so hilariously bad. The genius was to play this level of schlockiness straight.

By: catherine podojil

08.25.2013 @ 9:28 PM

Of course the film was ridiculous, but they did one thing right. At the beginning, the men who get eaten when the storm first starts have been finning sharks, which is an appalling thing to do to them. People use the fins in food and the sharks are thrown back into the ocean where they die because they can’t move and bring water through their gills and gather oxygen. So I like the first part, but the rest, yuck!