In a historic agreement reached today, McDonald’s has decided to reveal the ingredients of its secret sauce to the Soviet Union in exchange for secret diagrams of military installations and nuclear silos. Ronald McDonald told reporters that “the Soviets have come a long way and we think they’re ready for this kind of power. We can only pray they use it wisely.”

Burger King leaders, however, issued statements criticizing the move and expressed concern for their own safety. “What’s stopping them from blowing us to smithereens? We want UN action now,” one official said. Japan and Germany have reportedly approached Burger King and, surprisingly, Taco Bell about other secret sauces.

In Moscow today crowds filled the streets rejoicing in the secret sauce. Economic problems and ethnic antagonisms have largely been solved, officials announced.