Troubled Child

My name is Ava. I have 2 brothers. When I was very young, my parents got divorced- I lived with my dad. When I was about 8 years old, my brother, Cam, was very manipulative. I can remember waking up to him sliding his “man parts” in between my thighs. I was young. I knew it was wrong, but a part of me figured it was normal, because why else would he do it? He never actually penetrated me, though I vaguely remember him asking if he could. I can remember once he forced me to give him oral sex; I started gagging and he got very upset with me. My other brother, Paul, witnessed this happening to me and he threatened to tell my parents. He couldn’t do that! Cam would kill me! I was terrified. Every time I did something, or if my Paul wanted me to something and I didn’t do it, he would threaten to tell my parents what Cam was doing to me. I eventually got fed up with the black mail, and I came forward and told my parents. I begged them not to say anything to Cam. They said they would say they heard something on the news about a similar situation. They did. After that, it never happened again- I never talked about it again either. I never confronted Cam about it- ever. I’m scared to. I wonder if he even remembers? What would he say? Would he hate me because I remember? These are the questions I ask myself. We go on with our lives daily like this never happened. I don’t know if I want to keep it that way or if I want to confront him about it; let him know that I do indeed remember. It’s a very hard decision to make. He doesn’t associate with me much. When I do try to talk to him, he seems very rude. We don’t do anything together; we barely even talk. Is this the result of what happened? Is he scared that I remember? It’s been about 11 years since this happened. I want to move on, but I don’t know how.

If you have any advice you would like to share with me about this particular entry, email me with the title of this entry in the subject. My email is: letavatellit@yahoo.com

AvaLove

Hi my name is Ava Jones. I am 19 years old. I am currently working; I will be starting college in the fall. I am starting this journal because I feel I have no one to talk to. I feel like I keep so much bottled inside and I need to let it out. Feel free to email me with advice- I need it.