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Welcome Pink!

You've taken the first step by logging on to this board. There is a wealth of information for you as well as first hand experience from regular posters regarding domestic violence. Go back into the archives and read the posts. Pay particular attention to what the poster reveals and see if any of the patterns of abuse are familiar in your situation. Check the reading list at the top of the Dr. Phil web page. It has invaluable resources as well as a host of book titles. Read every one you can - even if you can't bring the book home - read it in a safe place, at the library, wherever you are certain your husband will not find it. Most importantly, do not leave any trace of Dr. Phil's web site on your computer - this is the last place you want your husband to have access to.

You must not minimize your husband's threats - they are not to be taken lightly - they are very real. Now you must educate yourself and become wise to the cycle of abuse and the role you play. Education will help you to understand the dynamics of abuse and provide you with all the necessary information you may need for your survival as well as your children.

Domestic abuse is all about power and control. As long as your abuser feels he is in control, things may appear to go smoothly. However, this could not be farther from the truth. Domestic abuse rotates on a cycle - you may not have any idea what sets him off or what will trigger the next explosion. Get yourself a copy of the abuse cycle and study it carefully. Learn to recognize the different stages and be observant how this applies to your abuser.

You are very young and just as you can look back to see the progression the abuse has taken since your marriage, your abuser will continue to up the ante once you stop following all his rules and rebel. Right now you must formulate a plan. A plan to protect you and your children. It's essential you obtain copies of all legal documentation for you and your children - social security numbers - bank accounts - mortgage paperwork - passports - credit cards - cell phone receipts/accounts - and a supply of cash. Keep it in a safe place from your husband - even if you have to give it to a trusted neighbor or family member. Contact your nearest domestic violence shelter. Gather all information and support in case you may need it in the future. They are equipped to give you vital information both legal and otherwise to keep you and your children safe.

Be prepared to call 911 if your husband gets physical. The fact alcohol is part of the mix makes it critical you not try to reason with him. You are only talking to the drug when you try to communicate with someone under the influence of alcohol.

A few facts for you to digest - the headline of today's paper in my hometown reads - WHEN A HOME IS NO SHELTER - its a es pose on Domestic Violence. Here are the facts and figures for one state - 55 reported domestic violence incidents per day (more go unreported) 12,520 cases and counting already this year and its only six months into the year - 145 women and children entered emergency shelters - 80 new cases of domestic-violence on court dockets - 78 new protective orders. That is only one state - can you see the volume of this problem when the rest of the country is factored into the equation????????? It's serious - very serious.

I hope you can realize the scope of this problem - and not allow yourself and your children to become a statistic. If your husband does not seek expert help to address his alcohol problem, you must take the next step to protect your family. You cannot sit back and hope it gets better. You cannot turn back - you are clearly on a mission - or should be.

Bringing this forward

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

Types of Emotional Abuse

Abusive Expectations

The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.

It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.

But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.

You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.

Aggressing

Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.

Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.

Constant Chaos

The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.

The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.

Denying

Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)

The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc.You know differently.

The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.

Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."

When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.

Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.

Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.

Dominating

Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.

When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.

Emotional Blackmail

The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.

This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.

Invalidation

The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." Here is a much more complete description of invalidation

Minimizing

Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing this out of proportion" all suggest that the recipient's emotions and perceptions are faulty and not be trusted.

Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.

Unpredictable Responses

Drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. Whenever someone in your life reacts very differently at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and the opposite the next, or likes something you do one day and hates it the next, you are being abused with unpredictable responses.

This behavior is damaging because it puts you always on edge. You're always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and you can never know what's expected of you. You must remain hypervigilant, waiting for the other person's next outburst or change of mood.

An alcoholic or drug abuser is likely to act this way. Living with someone like this is tremendously demanding and anxiety provoking, causing the abused person to feel constantly frightened, unsettled and off balance.

Book List

Thank you Ms Very Irish for such a good insight on some of the whys & hows of abuse and for sharing a page of your story. It is always encouraging to hear how someone has worked to move past the abuse in their lives. Kudos to you!

Below is a small list of some helpful reads (book list originally posted by cocomama). These books help breakdown the abuse cycle in ways that you can understand and how they might apply to you. Remember knowledge is power. No matter if it is physical, emotional, sexual, abuse is abuse and we all deserve to live abuse free!

"Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry & controlling men", "The batterer as a parent", & "When daddy hurts mommy" by Lundy Bancroft (also www.lundybancroft.com)

Pleasance

I am here for you -- As often as possible with my health. Wish you the best.

It really is annoying when you have no privacy -- I know that feeling well.

A piece of advice for computer -- use password protect on every thing you do on comp.

Use numbers (At least 7) with 2 letters at end. This kind of password is harder for H to figure out and access your sites.

On the bright side for me -- got a little 9 week old doxie. A little girl I call "Maggie". She has brought me a lot of joy.

Am moving on slowly in my new life. Grandson does my yard for me weekly, and have been in contact with my daughter also. Am making new friends and it feels good to be able to communicate with intelligent people, with something to talk about besides themselves.

Oh, ya, almost forgot to tell you --- My grandson's girlfriend is going to have a baby (boy). They are both 18 so it's kids having kids. Looking forward to great grandson in my life, But don't like them being so young.

Cybil-I Was Wondering The Same Thing

Doesn't anyone come here any more?? I know there are a lot of abused women/men out there. You all need help and a place to vent, and your not here.

Hope all are ok.

Pleasance, part of last message to you was for 79 person. Didn't want to address personally to individual for safety.

God Bless all,

Huggs, Purrs, Barks

Cybil

It's very strange to have no activity at all for such a long period of time....not one post for a few days.

Pleasance, we're trying - really!

My computer was out of commission for 2 weeks because of a violent thunder storm. I had to replace the Internet card and new cords. I'm obviously back in business.

Horrible, Horrible local news yesterday. A (31) year old man stabbed his (23) year old wife to death. She thought she was protected by a restraining order.....not true.

I'm sure newcomers to this board think I over-react when I advise them their situation is dangerous and they should seek protection at a DV shelter to protect themselves and their children. They think they know their abuser and how far their abuser will go, but they really don't. Their abusers only allow them to know as much as he "cares" to let them know. What they don't realize is that the abuser only allows the side of himself that will keep her hooked. Abuse is about power and control - never love and respect. The abuser really doesn't know how to respect himself or anyone else. This by no means is a blanket statement against all partners, I'm only addressing abusive relationships that have escalated -relationships caught up in the abuse cycle.

I'm convinced the partner of an abuser gets confused because the abuser shows a loving, kind side to his partner until the abuser is sure his partner has "fallen in love with him". Once the dye is cast, he can safely kick into his abuse pattern because he now knows his partner loves him and will try to make everything "good" again. This is the trap. The partner loves the abuser and "thinks" the abuser loves her just as much. WRONG!!!!!!

I had an aunt who was married to an abuser. She could not accept that he would hurt her because she was convinced he loved her and would never do anything to harm her. There were many red flags she chose to ignore - warnings she was in denial about. She changed her opinion when she ended up in the intensive care unit of the hospital. Someone found her body in an empty lot - beaten beyond recognition - by her loving, caring husband - left to die broken and alone. Imagine!!!!!! He went to prison but she was never the same after that incident.

Well, I will be lurking on the board hopeful things will get back to getting the word out about abuse and supporting those in need.

Pleasance, sending you a basketful of support, understanding and friendship in your time of need. My porch light is one for anyone in need.

Thanks for the advice

Thanks for the note and info. If I password my sign on, then it makes H more suspicious and more eager to look at where I've been online. I think I am safer just being careful to erase all traces of my being here(and not get lax about it like I did before). Plus there is the double standard thing-if I can completely hide what I am doing then so can H, and I don't want to be completely shut off from his online whereabouts because of his past history. (Which you can no longer see since I had my old posts taken down :-( almost makes me feel like I don't exist!!)

I haven't posted much just in case H is snooping, and also because things have been fairly calm. But I still lurk and read and am sad that there haven't been many posts.

4bacon

I am curious as to what the particular red flags were that your aunt chose to ignore.

If you feel comfortable posting them, please do. If not, that is ok too.

In years past my H had many red flags and eventually, after much convincing, I started to see them as such and that caused me great fear. Nowadays the worst of them are gone, but there are still little annoying things. And occassionally when I read about someone on the news or see one of those crime news shows I have constant dialogue in my head thinking..."was my H that bad or was I overreacting and dramatizing things, and could things turn back that way again?" Of course I know that they could, but if they do hopefully I will be more prepared and able to deal with it than before.