Need Help

I think I am an Enabler... I am scared. I know think we need counseling (my wife and I). I can relate to a lot of the symptoms (?), depression, drama cycle, loss of concentration (I'm at work right now!)...Where can I seek help. How can I propose this to my wife in a positive way? (is that Enabling?)

Comments for Need Help

Your road to recovery begins when you decide that you've had enough of this disruptive behavior.If, you'll change then everything about you will change.i.e.Change begins in your own yard.Recovery is just a thought away.So begin right now & start being the real you right now.

Dec 28, 2009Rating

Thank you "Getting Clearer"by: Anonymous

You really hit the nail on the head (or however that goes!). I realized that I don't want to leave, as much as we may not be happy right now... there is still so much to stay together for. I told her that I DID REALIZE WHAT I HAVE... although she did not think she needed to realize that (maybe she already knows? maybe I'm the one who really did need to realize?)

I felt good after our short conversation. I have my own issues I need to work on. Most of which is building my self-esteem. I think that once I really start working on me again that I will feel more secure (my issue) and I won't feel the need to know where she is/who she's with/what she's doing etc. I see now that I am creating this cycle as much as she might be.

After talking with someone who knows her well, and reflecting on her upbringing and the issues that certain people created in her, I realize that I have to do the exact opposite of what I've been doing in order to get what I want -- attention and security. I need to let her go (not in the break-up sense)... give her freedom, trust her, and REALLY appreciate her.

She is right, it's never good enough for me. I need to figure out WHY that is. Mean while I just want to concentrate on the good things she does, and so far its working. I still have moments where I start my negative inner-dialogue, but I think I can better control it. That's a start right?

Dec 27, 2009Rating

Getting Clearerby: Anonymous

I hope you have got clearer in the last week. It sounds like you are very clear on the core issues from your point of view.

Friends can be a problem. When my partner and I were having difficulties many friends advised her to leave - she was asking to be told how to stay and make it work, she knew how to leave already. We are currently very happy.

It sounds to me like you need to build a different relationship from the ground up. Having a child to consider must make it all enormously more difficult.

I think all there is to do at the moment is to find a way where you are both happy. Look for a way that can be great for both of you - you may not find it, but you probably won't if you don't look for it. If you find a way for you both to be happy then your friends will be happy for you I'm sure (and forget that they didn't help!)

Dec 22, 2009Rating

It's me...by: Anonymous

Hi again, I'm the original poster. my wife is NOT willing to go to counseling "couples shouldn't need someone else to tell them how to live".

We're taking a trial separation. I didn't know how to react at first (yesterday) so I was stand off-ish and that made it worse. She was trying to be nice to me and act normal... I just didn't know how to not be hurt and angry. I don't know how to feel now. At first I was all ready to demand things (that she grow up and realize what she has with me). But she is thinking the same things (that I should realize what I have with her). I'm confused... now I just know that no matter what I don't want to lose her. I know that things have been rough, we've been fighting, and I don't even know if my complaints are correct now?

To give more detail... she is very immature, hangs out with very young people (she and I are 28 - her current new bff is under 18), I feel like she wants to be single and HAVE ME at her beck and call at the same time. those are my biggest complaints. she spends a lot of time with friends either on the phone, texting, or hanging out. I just feel like I'm waiting in the wings you know? BUT, she is very sweet to me when times are good... she has never cheated, she loves me and our son (my bio-son)... she is fun and funny and makes me laugh and makes me feel safe.

As for me, obviously there are two sides to every story: I went through depression recently and am on medication for it and am doing better... but back then when things were bad she almost left me and i think that left me with emotional scars (she said I'm being dramatic). I am scared that she will leave if things get rough again. Her indecision about what she wants hasn't helped. I am emotional by nature and that is where we differ a lot. She cant express her self emotionally, nor does she feel comfortable... she says that's weak and she shouldn't show me her weakness.

I don't know if I'm making any sense... bottom line right now is, my friends are all for me leaving her and I cant and DON'T want to do that. they say that she needs to grow up and that i deserve better. but like i said before, they only know my side of it.

Dec 22, 2009Rating

To: Need Helpby: Angie Carter

Recognizing you need help is half the battle, congratulations! Being in alot of pain or struggles right now is certainly not comfortable but that's what it usually takes in order for us to take the steps we need to do in order to change and grow.

Pick a good time to sit down with your wife and share your thoughts about the situation. If she is not open to the fact that you guys need to seek some outside help, then by all means you go ahead and start the process. Trust me, she'll be watching you out of the corner of her eye! Get focused on yourself and doing what is healthy for yourself and see what happens! You may be pleasantly surprised.

Spouses (sometimes at first) give their partners a hard time for going to talk to a counselor or going to a support group, but if that happens just pay it no mind, and keep going. That's just a defense reaction they people use to deal with fear and other feelings.

Please post any questions or inquiries you may have and we will try to help!Good luck and God Bless.

Dec 22, 2009Rating

Unclearby: Anonymous

I'm not clear what the change you desire is.

Counselling can be extremely helpful - choose a counsellor that you feel that you connect with (even if you don't particularly like them), someone who you think 'gets' you.

Dec 22, 2009Rating

Keep going!!by: Anonymous

Hi! You have done the right thing by reaching out and asking for support....Keep going!

With the limited amount of information I have in your post the best thing I can do is tell you to seek help in a local Alanon meeting (assuming we are talking about a drinking or drug problem) and/or a counselor -- preferably one who specializes in addictions and family issues.

If the problem is something other than drug or alcohol problems then a counselor is the best place to start.

Invite your wife to go with you... but if she is strongly against it then don't try to push her into it -- just go yourself & you can get ideas on how to proceed from there.

You can also post as much information as possible here on this forum, ask questions, and read the responses of others who have been where you are.

This information is not a substitute for professional evaluation and/or treatment. Reading the information contained here may trigger strong emotional reactions. If you have an emergency, call 911, other local emergency contact, your local emergency room, or law enforcement agency.