The Malignant Dead

Sunken Treasures

Hunky-Borey

We feel like having a rant today & this is a clear case of television causing these violent feelings. We switched off the programe we’d recorded & the TV was tuned into The Hunks programme. In case you’ve never seen it, it’s about a bunch of hunky guys living together in Cornwall. We only had to read about it in the TV magazine & we could feel our brain cells withering. Anyhoo, it was on & we couldn’t be arsed to get up to switch the TV off, so we watched 3 minutes of it. It’s amazing how much irreparable damage can be inflicted in 3 minutes. Maybe we caught it at a bad time but the bit we saw had them discussing the ideal breast size and trying to pull girls by doing an ab workout in front of them. Really? That works? That’s when we switched it off. Our laptops have more personality than these vacant, permatan, prima donna princesses. Their perfect bodies kept us interested for thirty seconds – which is probably longer than their attention spans. We like guys who have personalities & can make us laugh. These guys were as funny as funerals. We would’ve put on our documentary of the history of mental asylums to give our brain cells some CPR but we were tired & needed some sleep.

Thing is, if we were to write a novel that contained as much tripe as this, the various Katie Price shows, My Sweet 16th & The Only Way is Essex, our manuscripts would be burned. And rightly so. Because they’re filled with 2D characters who you don’t care if they live or die & no plot – the two most vital ingredients in any story. Ok, TV companies love them because they’re cheap to make – there’re no writers, costume designers, set designers, or actors to pay, but that’s no excuse for making them. If writers don’t get away with writing novels like these, TV companies shouldn’t get away with making these programmes.

Though saying that, we’ve read numerous novels without plots & whose characters are so bland they might as well be called Magnolia. We’ve always made it our mission to finish a book, despite hating every page, but now we’re realising that finishing them achieved nothing & life’s too short to waste on a terrible book, so we’ve actually abandoned our first ever book. Luckily we didn’t waste money on it – it was given to us because the main characters are twins. The blurb promised a ghost story. Lynx managed to force herself to read just over half the novel & the ghost part was barely mentioned. It’s the equivalent of calling Home and Away a horror because a lot of people die.