Penguin Mania

Hello! Welcome to the wonderful wacky world of Penguins!
Penguin: Any member of Sphenisciformes, an order of flightless marine birds
containing one family, Spheniscidae. Remember this fact! It is
Probably the last fact you'll read here that isn't followed by a joke!
You all know PENGUINS as those cute, loveable, cute, adorable, cute,
funny, cute birds who wear tuxes all the time ... but did you know they
were cute too? For these and other fun filled facts about penguins Read on!
There are 18 different types of Penguins ... but they all have certain
things in common. All penguins have the well known tux coloration. Some are
white and black and some are white and blue (there were a few penguins in the
60's who went in for paisley ... but they couldn't get dates and died off.)
All but one of the living species are birds of the cold seas of the
Southern hemisphere. The other specie lives on the Galapious Islands on
the Equator. They are perfectly adapted to the warm weather there ... though their
suntan lotion expense is quite high. The rumors that some penguins made it
to California and became the musical group called "The Beach Boys" is
completely unproven at this time.
Penguins evolved from the same ancestral stock as the Albatrosses,
supreme masters of flight. Guess the Albatrosses won the coin toss.
Penguins litually fly through the water using their fleshy feet as
ruders. They tried to swim through the air ... but that didn't seem to work.
Actually Penguins can't fly, but that is because they are too short to reach
the ticket box at the airline.
Some birds will gradually loose feathers while new ones grow in under them.
Not the penguin though Penguins grow new feathers under the old ones and the old ones
are shed simultaneously. Because Penguins are flightless this complete molting is no
hazard to them However, it can be very embarrassing at cocktail parties.
Penguins are warm blooded. I think that you will agree that with a body
temperature of 100 degrees they can be excused for occasionally breaking into a rousing
song of, "HOT BLOODED...CHECK IT AND SEE!"
Penguin colonies often number into the hundreds of thousands and an
aggregation of five million Adelie penguins have been recorded in a single
group of islands. Of course the real reason for this is Adelie penguins became
very stuck up with the release of the song, "Sweet Adelie" in the 1920's and no one else
could stand to associate with them. Finally they all moved away to a few small
islands.
The scarcity of nesting places may force birds into a communal life
(this was very common during the 60,s..but I digress) sometimes even with
other species,on the few good sits that are available.
This is true of the murres, the weak-winged northern counterparts of
the flightless penguins. Murres colonize for still another reason: to mate &
breed successfully, they need to be stimulated by the noisy encouragement of
a crowd. Thus, they are found in tightly packed and exuberant masses on the
cliffs and pinnacles of islands on rock northern coasts, thousands nesting
together, each almost a pecking distance apart from its neighbors.
Those who start to breed first form the center of the colony as well
as being considered terrible showoffs.
Penguins also return to the same breeding ground year after year and
they help raise each other's young in nurseries A colony of about 250
individuals lives in the Galapagos Islands astride the equator.
Penguins are such avid brooders that they will fight to mother a stray
baby. This goes against what some human mothers would like to do. YOU TAKE
HIM! I DON'T WANT THAT BRAT ANYMORE!!!
Magellanic penguins will live on almost any kind of coast- scrub, rain
forest or grassy moor as long as it is suitable for digging their burrow/nests
and has some bitchin Waves dude!
Selected Penguin types:

Adelie Penguins!
The Macaroni Penguin (A feathered Dandy, the beplumed macaroni
penguin gets its name from the overdressed gentlemen
or macaronies of the 18th century lampooned in the
song Yankee Doodle.
The Magellanic penguin is often called the jackass penguin
because of its braying call. It is native to the
southern tip of South America, especially the islands
in the Strait of Magellan, from which it receives its
name.
The Timid Gentoo or Johnny Penguin, is the most common of all
the varieties. Living on sub-antarctic islands and
accustomed to having to flee marine enemies, the Gentoo
will waddle inland when approached on the beach by a
man or dog or Hot blonde.
The King penguins stand about a flipper's length apart while
incubating their eggs. Most stand upright facing the
same direction (though there is always a few rebels) The
King penguins closely resemble emperors...they take
turns incubating the eggs. They live in the less
severe climate of the islands north of Antarctica...
they don't need to conserve as much heat so they are
lighter than the Emperor (Gotta slim down for those
bathing suits!
In the entire Antarctic there are only 3 flowering plants...penguin
males are in deep trouble when St. Valentine day comes along.
Killer whales attack and kill penguins. Free Willy indeed. Keep the
psycho locked up!
In the entire region south of the Antarctic Circle there are fewer than
70 species of animals. forty four of these are insects so if you have any
spare Raid laying around it would be greatly appreciated. Two types of
penguins the Emperor and the Adelie live here. 16 other type of penguin
live in the somewhat milder climates to the north. Wimps.
A penguin can propel itself 7 feet, straight out of the water, to avoid
a whale or leopard seal. Hopefully it is propelling itself onto an iceflow
and not just into the air, cuz if it is just going straight up ... well it
will end up in the mouth of a hungry nasty!
There are no polar bears at the South Pole. Scientists will tell you
that they evolved at the NORTH POLE and have no connection with Penguins.
To this we respond, "HMMPH!" If this was true then how do they explain those
stunning Chilly Willie Documentaries?
The TRUE story is they were defeated soundly during the great
penguin/polar bear wars of the early 60's and know better than to mess with
da penguins again!
Penguins huddle together when the weather gets nasty for heat.. also a
great way to meet chicks! (KIDS! DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!!!)
Penguins can be found on the shores of Australia, South America, Africa,
and on the equator (Galapagos Islands..not Gilligan's Isle as reported in some
mainstream papers).
Only the Tiny Adelie and the over 3 foot tall Emperor penguin are true
dwellers of the Antarctic. Staying at the Antarctican Holiday Inn for Spring
Break does NOT qualify you as a dweller..though we will validate parking).
At one time there were 5 ft penguins weighing about 250 pounds roaming
the antarctic. Cro-magnum penguin is, alas, extinct. Scientist theorize that
they simply couldn't afford the price of such large tuxes.
Penguins can porpoise about in the water at up to 30 miles per hour. On
a jet ski they can , of course, go much faster.
All penguins have almost identical plumage..the white shirt fronts
with backs and wings of rich black or midnight blue..there was a few who
experimented with pasley..but they couldn't get dates so they stopped.
The males and females pair off ... sometimes two females select the same
male and this leads to short pitched battles! I love a cute penguin fight!
Remember though, since penguins are birds, cat calls are not really appreciated.
They do not part until the one pound egg arrives in April or early May. Of
course if you just passed a one pound egg, I don't think anyone would blame
you for leaving. A day after the egg is laid (at most) the female gives it
to the male to keep warm and within 12 hours she is gonezo. (well she has
fasted for a month, gotta keep that girlish figure ya know) she is gone
for 60 days ... during that time she is gone, he has to fast, And in fact
she makes him fast the 30 days prior to that too! (aw why do I have to
fast? CUZ I have to so, so do YOU!) *SMACK*. The male can lose 25 to 40
percent of his body weight!
The female returns just as the egg is about to hatch. She will now
take over the care of the baby (sure! The guy does the work and SHE gets the
credit!) She will regurgitate food into the mouth of the chick. Not Opus
Penguin's though, we just zip down to the corner and buy formula.
Sadly only a 4th of the young make it.
Females warble a love song to the male. Currently the most popular
song is ZZ Top's "Everybodys Crazy about a Sharp Dressed Man"
Penguins are flightless and clumsy on land but at home in the water.
They breed on islands in the sub-antarctic and on cool coasts of Africa,
Austria, New Zealand and South America. Only the Adelie penguin (Pygoscelis
Adeliae) and the emperor penguin (Aptenodytes forsteri) reach antarticia
itself. The Galapagos penguin (Spheniscus mendiculus) {Ridiculous is more
like it!} is confined to the tropics off South America.
The size of penguins varies between the Emperor 120cm (4 feet) to the
little blue or Fairy penguin (hey! no joke...that is what they are called!
Nasty people them scientists! Calling a little penguin names) who is only
40 cm (16 inches) Also known as (Eudyptula minor).
Penguins will remain at sea for weeks at a time. During this time
they hunt for food and just basically bumm around. Hmmm Have you decided to
become a penguin yet?
Penguins feed on fish squids and crustaceans and Pizza.
Assemblages of half grown young are often tended in creches or
kindergartens. Day care for Penguins? Interesting concept!
Well I hope you enjoyed this little trip into the lives and world
of the penguins! Of course now the Penguins want me to do one of
These about YOU! So I'll be talking to you REAL soon!