Friday, February 26, 2010

I'm exhausted this week. I'm worn out; from what I don't know. I almost feeling like I'm trying to fight off a cold. I've woken up with headaches twice this week. I think they are stress related.

So far, my grades are good in school. I have an "A" in two classes and a "B" in my online class. I'll take it and be happy. I should be able to pull that one up before the end of the semester and maintain the "A's". I'm plugging along in the classes. I have to admit though, with all that is going on with my mother, my heart and head just isn't in it.

My father and I are still painting the old place. We have finished up painting the walls, ceiling and almost finished with the trim work. I had thought about taking pictures of it, but painting isn't a very exciting thing to photograph. I'll wait till we do something a little more dramatic.

My crush/obsession with Jeff has waned. I still like him and we interact through emails, but reality has set in for better or worse. I just don't have the time or resources to devote to wooing anyone right now. That's okay. If it is meant to happen it will, with whomever I'm suppose to be with, whenever the time is right. I'll continue my lonely march for now. But when everything is done with my parents and school is finished, heaven help the world when I unleash my fabulousness upon it.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Hate. It is a very strong, ugly word. I was raised to say "I dislike" something instead of saying, "I hate" something. It has a bad vibe to it. It leaves a bad taste in your mouth after you utter it. I still try to refrain from using it.

However, as the non-debate for equal right for GLBT persons as trudged on, the word does seem to be the only descriptive that aptly applies. There was a time, I recall, when having someone tolerate me was okay. I saw it as comprise. They didn't have to like me. They still don't. Surprisingly, there are people and behaviors I don't like. I tolerate it.

The problem is, while I tolerate people and behaviors I don't like or even understand, I have never thought that person to be less than a human being' a person deserving of respect, dignity, equality, or protection. I never "hated" them because of their difference. Never wished them harm in any way. I never tried to tell them they were"wrong" for behaving or believing differently than me. I never tried to pass laws that would make them less than me. I never tried to stop them from serving their country if they chose to. I never protested their funerals, or boycotted businesses thta believed as they did. I never told them they were abominations, they were morally corrupt, they were responsible for the evils of the world. I just let them be and stayed out of their way, to live their life as they saw fit.

Now, I'm beginning to feel something I don't like. I'm being to feel anger and resentment. I'm beginning to feel animosity toward some of these people that believe and behave differently than me. I still see the human being behind it. I have lost respect for them. I've lost tolerance for them. I'm now beginning to "hate" them. I don't like that. That wasn't the way I was raised .

Maybe the problem was tolerance. You tolerate a cold and do your best to rid yourself of it. It seems like the same behavior toward the GLBT community. We were tolerated, but since we became stronger, and have not faded into the background, some folks want to be rid of us and by any means necessary. The converse is true here as well. The GLBT community tolerated people hating us, treating us as less than, denying us our rights, and yes, even murdering us. We never pushed back with the same force as was used against us. We were tolerate and patient.

Now comes the time to change that. We have it within our means to seize what is deservedly ours. We don't have to yell louder than the other guy. We don't have to lie about the other guy. We just speak the truth. We expose the truth. We repeat the truth. We fight back with truth. It beats, hands down, anything the "tolerate" people can do. After all, I don't want to hate people. I want everyone to get along. I want to be left alone, unimpeded to live my life just as everyone else. Nothing more. Nothing less. Don't make me a hater too.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Sitting here, as the sun fades.Another day over, another night to begin.Wondering what to do.Thinking of you.Are you feeling this way too?Empty nights follow empty days.All the fun gone but not erased.Traces of laughter and love,smudged like fingerprints.My mind wanders,waffling between now and then;dreaming of when.Longing for a connection.Looking for a break.Another day ends the same as it began.Without you.

Friday, February 19, 2010

If I could think of nothing clever to sayor nothing witty to write,would that be the end of me?If I could think of nothing kind to door nothing to be happy about,would that be the end of me?Are my words and deeds so much apart of methat if they ceased, I do as well?Are my thoughts and disposition so much apart of methat if they ceased, I do as well?Maybe I'm more than those combined.Maybe I'm more than meets the eye.For I am body and spirit.For I am strength and weaknessOf the many things I amand for the many things I am not,I am unique.I am me.

Finally, a date has been set for my mother's breast cancer surgery. It will be March 17th, 2010. She has decided to have the complete breast removed and have reconstructive surgery, followed by chemo. Thankfully, last go round it was radiation treatment or she wouldn't be allowed the chemo this time. She is still in good spirits, but I can see, she is worrying under the surface. Who wouldn't? But she remains strong and determined to give it her best fight. I wish it would just go away and spare her all that lies ahead, but that isn't gonna happen. We all have to deal with what life throws at us, whenever it does, to the best of our ability. I'm sure she will be glad when all of this is behind her. I know I will.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Slow motion love.A subtle seduction.The bat of a lash.The hint of a smile.To hook you.To reel you in.Weaving a mystery.Creating an intrigue.To have you guessing.To leave you wondering.All for you.All for you.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Well, I've chosen the business to do my plan on for class. I went with something near and dear to my heart. Something I've spent a lot of time daydreaming about and some actual real time researching. I went with a nightclub. I'm very excited about it. More so than any of my other projects for school thus far. It will entail a great deal of work and thought, but I think being passionate about the subject will help make it great. So once again, I turn to my loyal readers for input. If you have any suggestions concerning what you would like to see or have enjoyed in a nightclub, pass them along. I'm open to input and fresh ideas. Thanks for your valuable support. :)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Love, powerful and enablingMore than desire of the flesh, than yearningMore rare than a diamondMore valuable tooGiving heart and soul to anotherYour life if need beA racing pulseA blush on the cheekA shared bond seen by allUndeniableUnyieldingThoughtful and kindForgiving and trustingLove the heartbeat of eternity

These are from a photo shoot in 1983. I was 18 and just out of high school. I scanned these last night from the proof sheets I stumbled across. I wish the quality was better. Everything seems overexposed. But it's still a great memory!

Ten years.Ten years to become happy with myself.No more waiting and wondering.No more eggshells to cross.Time for me to discover.Time for me to grow.A process of becoming,starting with undone.Unraveling the mystery.Sorting through our history.There was good in all the badand bad in some of the good.No regrets.Our love was a process.Learning. Growing. Changing.Memories I now carrysolemn reminders of what can be greatand what should be avoided.Ten years is a long time to be with.And a long time to be without.

Friday, February 12, 2010

I don't really know how to begin this post or end it. I have nothing clever or profound to say, but I have a need to just express myself at the moment. It will most likely ramble and not be cohesive, so bear with me.

I have so much stress right now. Concerns over my mother's health, my undrivable car, school assignments, money, unemployment, and all the accompanying feeling of worthlessness, hopelessness and no control to go with it. Another Valentine's Day will soon be here with no one to share it with for 10th year in a row. No way to call people and just chat because I can't use the minutes up on the phone. No wine or champagne in the frig to even help mark the day. I worry a lot and hope for the best. I keep the hope that I too, can win the lottery and change my life while helping others. I feel very sad that all of these things are seemingly out of my control. I'm totally powerless in the face of cold reality. What I really need is a good cry, but I'm fearful that if I allow myself to start I won't stop. I need someone to just hold me while I sob, and tell me everything will be alright. I know that isn't available to me either, so here I sit, typing about the crap in my head. My heart is heavy with concern for my mother and how all of this will play out. I'm so scared I will lose her and I'm not ready for that. I worry about how all of this will effect my father and his health. There is nothing I can do about any of it. So I do the best I can to be strong for them. I try to plow on through it all and hope for the best, while expecting the worse, because that is just the way it always seems to be with me. I miss my friends so badly, I actually physically ache. I could have talked to them and cried and been hugged. It would have been some comfort. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to be with someone again. I'm not sure I have that capacity left anymore. I'll feel hollow and like I'm on auto-pilot most days. I go through the motions, dealing with whatever comes up as best as I can, while trying to maintain what little dignity I have left. I'm still trying to lose weight in an effort to salvage my health and self esteem, but have hit a plateau. I just wish the world would stop long enough and let me get caught up. I don't want much. Don't need much. But it all seems so far out of reach. I have forgotten what is "normal" for me. Why can't everything just go away? Where is the reset button?

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Thanks so much from Jim's Stuff !!! I'm honored when a peer mentions my little blog in any context. More so when it is from someone like Jim, whom I have a great deal of respect and admiration for personally.

Here are the rules of the award:

1. Thank the person(s) who nominated you for this award.2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers and post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

Here it goes...............

After 26 years, I finally learned why my first ex and I split. Miscommunication!!!!

I'm not desperate enough for friends or love as to cast aside my principles or standards.

I live by one simple rule : Do unto others as you would have them do undo you.

I'm addicted to Facebook. I've enjoyed catching up with old friends and chatting with my new buddies more than I can express.

The last decade was harsh. The past two years brutual. The last couple of weeks unbearable.

I can't remember what it is like to fall asleep in someone's arms anymore :(

Regardless of how crappy my life may be at any given moment, I can't imagine being someone else.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I have a test tomorrow and one next Wednesday. I'm trying to study for them but it is difficult to concentrate at the moment on school work. I appreciate all the nice feedback on my web project! Y'all are the greatest! I plan to keep it updated, so check it often if you enjoyed it.

My mother went for some scans today to make sure the cancer hasn't spread. She should receive the results within a week. If everything comes back ok, then they will schedule surgery soon afterward. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will come back negative and we can move forward. A part of me doesn't have a good feeling about this, but I'm trying to remain optimistic. I'm not ready to lose anyone else any time soon.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Let me tell you about my day. It has not been a good one. First off, I've been working on the assignment for my online class to no avail. Nothing I have tried will get it to work properly. It is due tonight by midnight. I finally submitted it and said what the heck. I'm so gonna fail this class. Once again the instructor has been no help whatsoever!Secondly, I visited my parents and learned my mother had fallen in the shower last night. She had a bruise on her arm the size of a pancake and a gash on the back of her head. It was bad enough my father took her to the emergency room. They waited for an hour, then came home without seeing any medical type person at all. She was tired of waiting. She seems to be okay, so she says. She is a retired nurse, so hopefully she will be looking for signs of a concussion.Thirdly, I borrowed a little bit of money to take a trip into Charlotte after all that, to visit Jeff. Yep, I grew a pair overnight. After last week, and now this with my mother falling, and the stress of this online class, I just wanted to get away for a while. Jeff was having an open house so why no partake of free entertainment and get ideas for my house? He figured out who I was. Yeah! He showed me around the place, which was very nice by the way. I was upfront about not being there to buy but didn't mention anything other than that. There was a friend with him, that I have seen in many travel pics of his, who also is a mortgage guy. I'm thinking maybe he is the hidden boyfriend. Anyway, he didn't seem particularly interested in me as a person or old coworker , only a guy that wasn't buying his listing. He wasn't rude, and was even nice, but aloof.Fourthly, when I get in my car to leave, it wouldn't go in gear. It won't go forward or backward, nothing. It didn't make any strange noises, no lights came on, nothing on the way there. It still started up fine, just putting it in gear made an awful racket. I figured the transmission went out. The car is a 2007! I called my father and he sent a tow truck to haul it and my dejected, frustrated ass home. In the morning, he will bring me his truck, so I can get to classes.Tuesday, my mother goes for scans to make sure their isn't cancer anywhere else. Then they will schedule surgery.As a bright spot, his friend is hot and more my type. He also offered to assist me when he saw me in the parking lot, bent over the front, looking under the hood. Jeff didn't and I was in the car he had to dodge to back up. It doesn't bode well for him. I'm not going to make excuses for him about that either.

I am no longer tolerate of those who would treat me unjust. I hurt as deeply, love as deeply, pay taxes and want a happy, fulfilling life just as any human being. I am as valuable and imperfect as any of God's creations. I refuse to be treated as less than.~ Ultra Dave

Friday, February 5, 2010

Since the discovery and confirmation of my mother's cancer over the last week, I've been out of sorts. While that is bad enough on it's on, dealing with school and helping my father paint the old place has really taken the wind out of my normally optimistic sails. My crush on Jeff is slowly abating, which is a good thing before it went into obsession or stalker mode. It just seems to me that I never catch a break. I'm never in the right place at the right time. Nor do my efforts produce an abundance of any sort. I'm not depressed, just applying some objective reality to my life and plans. The economy is worrying the hell out of me. I hope the certificate will help land me a job when I'm done, but given how overflowing the talent pool is and the shortage of positions, it isn't a done deal. Even crappy jobs are hard to find. Of course I'm petrified about this new cancer menace with my mother. I wonder if she will be able to bounce back after it or will she fall prey to something else while recovering. I can't even fathom how I would deal with it at this point. I still want a close friend to hang with to replace the one I lost nine years ago. Of those I thought could fill the bill, none seem to fit or really want to be a close friend. Maybe it's me. Maybe I've forgotten how to be a friend. Maybe money or a job is more important in helping define or sustain a friendship than I ever considered. I'm not even gonna go into relationship crap. As badly as I want one, I'm not ready for it. I don't have the time for it, till school and all the stuff with and for my parents is done. What I want and the reality are so far apart, I want to just chunk everything, find a nice quiet place to sit and think of nothing but how great my life once was, when there was real friends near by, a job to go to and I was in love. If wishing, hoping, praying, daydreaming, planning, or fantasizing about it made it true, I'd already be there.

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Disclaimer :

Most of the photographs on this blog do not belong to me. If you are the owner and would like for me to give you credit or remove them, please send me an email. I will gladly do so. (I do try to remember from whence they came.)