The Bachelor: Episode 1 Recap

Make Monday Great Again

The night we’ve all been waiting for finally arrived. Personally, I’m glad ABC finally fully embraced the nonsense of the series and gave us a bachelor that can deliver on the train wreck goods on a weekly basis. From the previews, I think we have a winner.

When did Nick become so tasteful?

I totally respect the tried and true format of shirtless running, talking about how you’re “ready to find love” and getting a “behind the scenes” look at a photo shoot with Nick in a tux holding a single rose, but it is a bit tired. Credit to ABC for banging out these executional mandatories in the first 3 minutes. The most interesting part of Nick’s intro is watching him do his best to seem sincerely interested in finding love. I guess it would have been a bit risky to set the opening sequence to “Sussudio” and swap the tux for a raincoat.

Sean, Chris, and Ben, aka the 3 Wise bros, arrived to give Nick some advice that landed somewhere between trite and unactionable. I really loved that they opened with “So, everyone hates you, lolz”. Alluding to Nick’s low Q Score will become a theme for the evening and I actually felt bad for him (for like a second). Nick feigned caring what these three doofuses had to say, but let’s take a step back. How hard must it be for Sean Lowe to hold a job that demands some level of being taken seriously as a professional? This is how I imagine conversations go at the office:

Boss: Hey Sean, can you make sure I have your latest analysis by tomorrow end of day?

Sean: That may be a little tricky, sir

Boss: Why’s that? Anything you need taken off your plate? I’d like you to prioritize this.

Sean: No, sir, I actually have to fly to Los Angeles to give Nick V. dating advice for being on a primetime dating show. Ben Higgins and Chris Soules will be there too and they really need my unique point of view.

Boss: You’re literally the worst.

Meet the tributes

We now welcome the 30″lucky” ladies who will be vying/begging for Nick’s approval. I’ll skip the interviews since we already covered each of them, but I’d be remiss for not mentioning that Corrine, who runs (her dad’s) multi-million dollar company, has a nanny – for herself. From the previews, it seems like she’s going to be around for a while and bring some “aggressive affection” – ladies and gentlemen, meet your season 21 villain.

Danielle L, after getting introduced to Nick for 3 minutes, determines that he is “husband material”. It seems a bit ahead of schedule for Stockholm Syndrome to be setting in, but this isn’t entirely surprising. Hailey made a joke about not wearing underwear which was followed by Astrid’s German dirty-talk. We also get some sort of bizarre hotdog/weiner joke that I didn’t quite get. This, ladies and gentlemen, is definitely how you find “the one”. Liz is the girl that Nick hooked up with at a wedding and the look of fear combined with confusion was absolutely priceless. He doesn’t know how to feel emotions, so she definitely did not register in the ol’ long term memory.

Let’s take a time out to talk about all of the double entendres we were subjected to in the limo entrances. Like, we get it, Nick is a emotionless deviant. It just got awkward and tedious for everyone involved. Do better ABC. Moving on.

Let the Pinot Grigio flow like water

Corinne, who gave Nick a “hug token” during her intro, somehow smuggled i
n a satchel of tokens for Nick – for, “all sorts of things”. This is going to end well. Before you can say “on the wings of love”, she shows back up to “steal him for a minute” and makes out with him.
The women are understandable stirring now.

The dolphin-shark is everything. Alexis (who thought she was a dolphin) pulled the Bachelor-short-straw and had to dress up in a costume for the intros. This also means that she was going to get a “producer rose”, but the poor gal was definitely feeling uncomfortable by the time she got her 1:1 time with Nick. She was also blackout drunk, but you would be too if you were on a 30:1 all-night date while in costume. I especially liked it when she asked if she could take it off and Nick used his powers for evil and told her he’d guarantee she didn’t get a rose if she changed out of the hot, sweaty, and at that point wet from the pool shark suit. It was a nice preview of the type of emotional abuse the women have to look forward to this season.

He then sits down with Liz (the girl he hooked up with at a wedding 6 months ago) and I have no idea if he actually remembered her or if the producers spared him from looking like a total heel on night one, but he did some great mental jiu jitsu by putting her in the wrong for not getting in touch with him after the hookup. She let him know that she’s not on the show because he’s the bachelor – which makes zero sense, why are you on the show then? He assures her that he’s here for the #RIGHTREASONS but fails to mention that he (probably) has a lock of her hair tucked away in his lair.

Rachel (the real lawyer) gets the first impression rose which is a great choice. She was poised, seemed to have a good connection with Nick (I’m shocked too) and is actually age-appropriate. Some of the girls made comments about how she was a “surprising” choice. These women are probably also “racist”.

We move on to the Rose Ceremony and there is the typical first night suspense. We have women crying after spending maybe 5 minutes with Nick hoping for a rose, we have dramatic music and women already thinking he is “the one”. Liz got the final rose of the evening, which is unsurprising given their intimate past and the need for some manufactured drama. In the previews, we see a lot of tears which appear to be related to the revelation that Liz and Nick hooked up, Corinne proclaims her lady-parts to be “platinum” and tries to get it on with him in a jump-jump and then his hotel room and Nick is unsure if he’s going to find love. I’ll save you the suspense – probably not, Nick. (WHICH HE ADMITS TO IN THE INTRO!!!)

We say goodbye to Lauren, Briana (who is crushed/drunk during her final interview), Angela, Jasmine B., Ida Marie, Michelle, Olivia, and Susannah.

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3 thoughts on “The Bachelor: Episode 1 Recap”

There are few things better in reality television than watching the contestants who’ve been kicked out of the mansion after the first night, drunkenly stumbling into the morning light and trying to articulate… something to the camera waiting for them on the driveway. Fills my black heart with joy.

More importantly, how is Chris Soules even a Wise Bro?! He isn’t even with his girl (who is now engaged to some other guy). A note of advice for Nick to not take advice from guys who found love, went on DWTS, and ended up with their now ex engaged to someone else.