Muddling through each blistering day...

Learning with each faltering step.

So I've removed all of the posts from the past year. They are all negative, and a very horrible impression of who I am.. or how I feel. I look back at them and realize that in the moment, I can be so very cruel to my partners and myself.

Today is something new. Today I still have negative feelings, and I'm still working on me.. but I am happy. I love my partners. Whether we have any issues extending into today.. today I am a sentinel. I stand beside them ready to stay constant, and try. I still get my feelings hurt, I still have trouble dealing with criticism and rejection. Now I can say without a question that I am truly loved. Whatever physical hangups I have, or issues I have where I believe my lovers do not want me.. they are mine. My crushed feelings are most likely caused by my own issues. No one is doing this to me, I'm doing it to myself.

I hope next year around this time I can say all of these issues are solved. As My darling girl and I have found though, a lot of my issues I've had for a long time.. and it is just a matter of long-suffering on her part to continue to be understanding. Meanwhile I need to learn to be less selfish, more conscious of what I'm doing, and much more considerate. Because these things apparently are changes, I'm having my own trouble with them. I really do want to make this better, I want to be a better person and deserve her affection. It's tough sometimes, to feel rejected and then have to get over it.. without time to do so. It's just an issue with time, and not being able to take it.

The truth certainly is.. I love her. She is like my whole wide world encased in one gorgeous frame.. and it breaks me sometimes to even believe I deserve to have her. I love Robert too, he is my partner too, and it is no different.. but the strength of my love has not diminished at all. It will continue.. and I will continue to work on me. I will also continue to love them.. and in doing so, try to love myself more.

Tomorrow is the appointment that will inform me whether or not we will be incubating Ender another week. I am apprehensive... But, i suppose sooner is better than later with a 8lb baby in there rolling under my ribs constantly.

There is an LJ app for my iphone?? Amazing. Just thought i'd jot down a few things. Check in on everyone, and try not to say anything unintelligent.

I am 37 weeks pregnant with my son Ender. I have a newly neutered fluffy puppy named Ghost, who think i am better than treats. I have a mother who is so over excited about having grandchildren, ahe keeps calling them hers.. And i keep correxting her. Gently, but firmly reminding her that these are not her minds to instill all of their self-righteous dribble into.

That's going. .. Awkwardly.

Anyway. Before baby comes we will be starting an adventure in Eorzea via FFXIV. It'll be something to do during late night feedings. Anyhow.. Thats all we have going on here... In my Iphone...

So I know it's been quite some time since I've updated. I'm sure this is because I have been listless and irritated, or maybe just apprehensive about going back to work. I spend alot of time busy, and trying not to think too much. I like this place I'm at now.. this quietly content spot that I don't have too much to worry about. It gives me more time to think about what I'm going to be doing, and less time pondering over things like work. I have most of the baby things I will need.. and the rest we'll pick up from Garage sales, second hand shops, and hopefully some kind of shower thing. That is apparantly not my job to consider though, and I am more than happy to let my mom and soon-to-be-sister-in-law do that.

I am more than slightly irritated of late. I get angry with Robert when he yells at me for any reason, and just stop talking to him. I love him, but I think when he gets over-excited about ridiculous things... it gets a little out of hand and he raises his voice. When he does that.. I just shut him out. It's the way I deal, because he is just being irrational about something silly like running a net cable across the wall.. or doing anything productive. Eventually he gets the point that I am miffed, and he apologizes.. and we talk. It is still annoying. He refuses to talk to the baby, or interact with it in any way other than rubbing my belly. He thinks he'll look like an idiot.. I don't think he believes this thing can hear him. I'm not even sure he believes there's a kid in there. I know it is hard for partners sometimes.. to really understand what is going on, I do wish he'd just be nice and try. So help me if he tells me to suck it up and stop being a baby in Labor... I'm going to sock him. Right in the mouth.

There are so many things he is squeamish about doing. I never thought he would be so uncomfortable with this whole process. We watched a live birth on a video the nurse brought over.. all he could do was stare horrified, and repeat over and over.. 'I am so sorry.'... Problem is... I don't need him to be sorry, I need him to be supportive. If not, I guess I'll just have to figure this thing out on my own. I'm hoping he'll kick into gear eventually. Maybe childbirth classes.. but I'm not sure he's even going to want to do those. He feels awkward, and stupid doing all of these things. I'm not really sure why. I can tell you it is frustrating, and there isn't really anything I can do about it.. but travel along, and try to do what feels right. This also includes napping more often.. which infuriates him for some reason. Yesterday I was so exhausted, we were running around all day doing necessary errands.. and he asked me a question about doing something. I countered with "I'm very tired." He said "So is everyone else!"... and I literally yelled "EVERYONE ELSE ISN'T PREGNANT!". I felt bad.. but good grief.

This kid has been kicking me in the navel lately. It's a funny sensation, and I am so distracted. I'm worried about going to work and being able to function.. because everything is so fractured. I can't really concentrate on anything unless it is on the tele. Blergh.. anyway..

Just been an irritating week so far, and isn't promising to get better.

My appointments are all tomorrow. Been shopping today, picked up a few things that were needed.. both now and in the future. Think I'm going to buy some things on line.. as they seem to be cheaper. I not only have a doctor's appointment in the morning, but also therapy tomorrow afternoon. I'm not sure why I double schedule, and tuck myself into creases.. but the past couple of days have been restful. I'm ready to be busy again. Going to do some looking in Tulsa for a few things.. Crib shopping.. is the biggest thing on my list, as I got back our income tax money.. and I know it's a big impact item on my list. I lined out a few things on Amazon too that I want to print out and bring with us.. to just double check prices and compare. I'm telling you.. this pretending like I'm buying for someone else bit really does work.

Anyway.. I really want to do this life story thing, but I have had trouble really getting my head around it. I know in the end it won't take me very long, but for some reason I don't really want to think about it. I'm not sure why.. nothing really traumatic happened during my childhood, and heaven knows my teenage years were just as tulmultuous as any. For the most part.. I was a pretty normal kid. I liked books alot, and I had very few friends. My parents isolated us alot, kept us away from other kids our age because of their faith. Never had school friends really, until I was an adolescent. Even then they were so few.. it was hard to really have a variety of folks to pull from. That's why I became an internet junkie at 15 I guess. More friends that like you for your mind, and not your appearance.. or who your parents are.. or how much money you have. It was a pleasant change. My parents were not too thrilled . They tried many times to dissuade me from talking to people in the 'real' world. The 'real' world at that time was more substantial to me than the actual world. Virtual space was always so much more important. I have to say it isn't regrettable. This love of the virtual has afforded me many opportunities. I have friends everywhere.. in many places I would have never dreamt without the internet. I've made long lasting connections with some people I have never met, and some folks even moved closer. In the end.. you are only as far as a few tanks of gas.. and some time. It's not so bad having friends in far-away places. Only inconvenient.

Not much more in me for tonight. I am uncomfortable, and ready to be horizontal. My regular posture is terrible for this baby thing. Need to learn to sit back.

Today was not really any different than yesterday. I cleaned off my desk, moved some things around.. decided to load Turbo Lister for Ebay.. and then curled up in bed and tried not to think about going back to work. I failed miserably. As Robyn says.. maybe there really isn't anything to stress about, but I don't know. This used to be easy.. you just get up, have breakfast, and go to work.. and spend the bulk of your day dealing with people you don't like, working with people you can't stand, and being on your feet for 8+ hours. Why is this so miserable? Must just be the corporate aspect. I dunno.. mom says I am usually like this when I get ready to stop working someplace. When I have finally had enough, and can't stomach anymore. Problem is.. now I feel responsible. I feel like no matter how emotionally broken I am.. it makes no difference. It's still important to go into work and make a living.. to help support my family. Even though my family keeps telling me it's alright, we've always made it before.. we can do this without my constant support.. I still feel like I should be contributing. Having a baby is not contributing. It is sucking the life out of me, and out of our finances slowly. I'm sure that's normal... but it doesn't really change anything.

Ah well.. it's just more simpering. More wining to feed.. whatever this anxiety is that I have. I'm sure it helps to just let it out, but on occasion I feel it is better to just forget about it. There is some kind of end to it, whether I like it or not. I'm either not going back to work after April... or I am. The choice has to be made.. and the sooner I quit agonizing over it, the more healthy me and the parasite will be.

Doc appointment on Wednesday. I hope he'll be happy with me. I've lost about eight pounds in three weeks, and that seems like an acceptable amount. We'll just have to see. I'm also going to make use of the birth-plan Denise suggested... I know it will be important to have one, and to have family members there that will help enforce my wishes. There is just too much that can go wrong. Talk about another reason to think expectantly. My mom said be positive.. but I'm not really being negative in my outlook.. I am just preparing for the worst, and hoping for the best. Ulgh.. so much to be concerned about. Someone give me a cookie.

So for the longest time I've been journaling just by logging into the LJ website, but I've decided to make it easier for myself and download a client. This will make it faster, and less time consuming.. and make it available at my own whims. Whatever those may be..? Today was sort of.. one of those bed days. It was a Sunday, and rainy.. and I felt kind of like not getting out of bed. Yesterday was kind of one of those days too. I tell myself that I'm determined to 'get something done' and 'do something about this listlessness'.. but it doesn't work for some reason. I find so often that I just want to sleep, I'm tired beyond imagining... and with no real reason to be so. I've been exercising and doing things I need to do, but I guess I just needed a couple of days to just curl up and feel comfortable.

There are plenty of days where I am less than comfortable. I am still losing weight, but my waist is increasing in circumference. It's getting easier to be accostomed to the DAILY changes my body goes through; at the same time it is fascinating.. but disturbing. Sometimes it's easier to just not be mindful of what happens down there. Though it gives me a little pleasure to know that the kid is growing healthily enough to start proving its presence. We're getting more adjusted, just a day to day act of acceptance. Not being at that horrible workplace of mine helps. No one likes their job, but I went very quickly from tolerating and actually enjoying my job.. to hating each day. It was so stressful, and induced so much hostility in me, it was making my home life.. and my work life.. miserable. I'm not really sure I can go back after april 30th. My mom switches her opinion on that each day.. but the truth is.. it is my decision in the end. I have to decide whether I want to live with this stressful environment until I get cuckolded into Labor, or if I'd rather enjoy my separate/together life now... and really accomplish something. My house is cleaner, my life is much calmer, and I am much happier away from Walgreens. If I cash out my profit sharing, and pay my car payment with that.. it'll get me through about 6 solid months, enough time to have this kiddo and get caught up. Then.. if I have to.. a part time job at an INDEPENDANT pharmacy is the way to go I think.

First though.. we have to get through this. I'm not really sure how to tell my boss I can't work for him anymore. My therapist says we need to work on ways of saying No. I wonder if she can help me figure out how to say No More without having a breakdown. Maybe it's ok to have a breakdown, but it is so hard to appear so vulnerable and weak in front of someone who is supposed to have authority over you. What is so bad... these people are just people.. they are no better than I am, just working to pay their end and take care of their families. I still have trouble telling them no, and being unavailable when I am needed.

Even if these things were resolved, I don't think I could go back. The jobs they require me to do.. have me dealing with sick people every day, or leaning very deeply over a hard counter to reach into a drive-thru box, lifting totes of medicine bottles that weigh more than you think, and one 30 minute break a day... just are not conducive to a healthy attitude. These were not a problem when I was just tormenting myself, but I am so frustrated with the fact that it isn't just me anymore. They neither care.. nor do they even remember that I'm carrying a kiddo. A technician even told me I could not call in any more.. even for a medical problem or appointment... when I still had sick days! The ridiculousness of all of this.. is just way over my head, even now. I know people do alot for a job. They are miserable, and unhappy, and just ridiculously loyal for years.. because they have to be. Right now.. I think I'm more important than Walgreens, and we'll be ok without my decent paycheck. No more California, or New York.. and more Coupon saving (I've learned how to do this from my Sister-in-Law, and think the practice is a good idea), and smarter shopping... but it'll be ok. Just a few cutbacks make up for alot of my worries.

We all have to sacrifice things when we have children.. I guess.. Time to 'nut-up or shut-up'.. I suppose.

Today we went to Muskogee for a lung specialist appointment for mom. Nothing serious, just a check on a blip which showed up on her CT scan last year. Everything is fine, no problems. I am so exhausted. I decided to pick up a paper and see what kind of sales were going on that started on Friday. We had lunch, I checked out the yard sales.. and then we went on a little adventure.

Mostly I was looking for baby things, but instead found some lovely glassware to try and turn for a profit. A crystal bowl, some amber teacups and saucers, and an amber coin jar. Pretty, and if they don't sell I'll just keep them.

Then we hit the Just Between Friends sale, If you haven't heard of this organization it is http://www.jbfsale.com/default.cfm .. and really worth going to their events. Everything is in pristine condition, and resale. It was the first time I've really been excited about baby shopping.. period.. and it's because everything was so affordable! Picked up so much stuff.. filled my trunk, which is no small feat. Got alot of things on my list, like a bumper set.. that came with a lamp and soft blanket.. and a ton of other things. Crib sheets, toys, a bottle warmer and microwave sanitizer, and the coolest thing of all I think.. was the http://www.floppyseat.com/ which I also wanted. So lots of fun, lots of digs.. and now.. so much sleep. I am so tired! I get so tired, so fast now. It's ridiculous. Hopefully we'll work on the kitchen tomorrow...

Just cooked Omelettes with leftover Kielbasa, Olives, mushrooms and cheese. They were pretty tasty I must say. Couldn't flip them perfectly.. as that takes patience and I was hungry! Before Taylor came over with Sarah and Jeremy, I made Rice Krispy Treats.. also hard not to eat all of them. At least they won't last long enough to get stale. They are almost all gone. Today was a really eventful day! Had my visit with the nurses this morning, they came to the house. They informed me that my weight was right on target for now, and that I need to gain about 3/4ths of a pound a week. I'm really going to try and stay right in this range though, otherwise my doctor will yell. It's going to be very difficult to get out of this baby thing without some serious health consequences.

So after that, I got a call from the dealership where I got my car last year. I had called them last week to see if they had any newer, lower mileage cars on the lot that were in the same price-range as my Spectra. They did, but when I called the bank to get my payoff I was disheartened.. and decided to leave it at that. They called me this morning and I explained this situation to them, and they said "No problem, we can fix it.".. So I decided to just go take a look at what they had anyway.

There were quite a few options available, but initially I wasn't looking to go home with anything. I was pretty determined that if they could not pay off my car, or give me a decent payment.. I was walking. After several hours of negotiations, and lots of internal discussions.. along with my mother and Robert being there to help.. I brought home a new Nissan Sentra. New.. not used. It was not in my plan for the day, but it was in my budget.. and they paid off my note on the Kia. It was really a good move. I also learned that my credit was good enough to get financed through Nissan, and at a 6.7% interest rate.

I am oddly not as excited about this car as I was my Spectra. I am strangely tranquil and very calm about the whole situation. I was looking for a car that was roomier, and had a slightly bigger backseat. This was provided, and now it looks like the hard part is done. Tag, Tax and Title was included.. so I don't even have to come up with the extra money to pick that up later. This is good. It's big, but it's good. The most satisfying thing.. of the WHOLE day.. was learning that making my Spectra payments, and my Sprint payments ON TIME.. really paid off. In 18 months, if I decide this car is not for me.. or that I am in need of a different model, Nissan will gaurantee to finance me.. as long as I make my payments on time.

From having the Sportage, I have learned.. it pays to make your payments ON TIME and make them count. Getting a vehicle reposessed is a terrible feeling. Been on that wagon, don't want to go again.

Anyway.. so that was the bulk of my day. I'm happy that my favorite mexican restaurant is open again in town. The renovations are nice, and the food is just as tasty.. and cheap. I like that combination. There is alot to do tomorrow too. I wish this whole.. off work thing.. equated to being able to relax, but it seems like everyday there is something new to do. I suppose this is good, and healthy.. but sometimes I just want to disconnect. I've been very good at using my WiiFit Plus every other day for the past couple of weeks, but I'm slacking tonight. Just too tired.. mentally, physically, and somewhat emotionally. Maybe this weekend will see a slow change in pace.

We really need to work on kitchen goods and cabinetry. I have all the major parts ready for installation.. Just no time to do it in! Of course.. I can't do it myself, but I can supervise while it is being done!! I think we've decided to use laminate flooring in the baby's room.. sometimes cheaper than carpet.. and definitely easier and cleaner. Just have to find it cheap enough. Sometimes the stuff goes for really cheap at Lowe's when they get a pallet of it on clearance.

No strange feelings today. I accompanied Robert in the new digs to do a job in Antlers at the Dollar store there. Did a little toodling around the store, and ended up in the baby clothes section. Took a deep breath.. and started browsing. I think I pretended I was shopping for someone else.. that had similar tastes as me. It seemed to make it easier to breathe. I know it sounds funny.. loosing your cool in the clothing isles at a BFE Dollar General... but it probably would have happened if I wouldn't have used active visualization. I know that I don't really NEED new baby clothes. That I can get scads of it at second hand stores for next to nothing.. but it was more the act of surfing through the racks that I had to face.

Having freak out panic attacks are definitely not me. I'm lucky that I learned to center myself a long, long time ago.. I just have to remember how I did it. If I can get there.. I can get anywhere.

Therapy tomorrow, and I still haven't summarized my life. Jill will probably be disappointed.. I'll try to work on it in the morning before I go. It isn't an easy thing to write out and think about.. because it's been so bizarre. We'll see though.. bedtime.. I'm so exhausted.

Second day of impulse writing. This is before bed for me, I've been hitting the sheets earlier than usual. I also must say.. I accomplished absolutely nothing today. I stayed in bed and stared at the window in the front room for awhile at about 11AM. Had some breakfast with my mom.. sitting crosslegged on my mattress... and muttered something about a nap around 2PM. I've been watching TV all day. I had enough time to lay and watch Cast-Away, Tom Hanks is lovely but that.. was a waste of my life. The most entertaining thing about the whole movie was that Robert laid on my stomach and did a very loud running commentary.

It's week 15, baby can hear us if we talk loud enough. We still call it a 'Parasite', both jovially and forbodingly. I hate to think of what my kid will think when it finds out what we've been calling it. There are some people who laugh very sincerely when they hear us say it, and others who just kind of look at us blankly... as if we'd just skinned the devil and were coming for them. Oh well, it's not their pregnancy!

Tomorrow I'm getting my first in home visit from Oklahoma state's First Child program. I tried to motivate myself MOST of the day to clean the front room, and finally around 9PM (after dinner) mom came up and helped me get out of bed and clean out the clutter. I really don't have a problem with 'Messy' I have a problem with 'clutter'.. oh and I cannot stand it! Clutter is a loathesome word, and I have too much of it!! It seems when I get one spot cleaned off, another one calls my name... piled with books and video games.. papers.. mail.. nonesenseical gadgets that really have no place.. chargers with nothing to charge. Where does all this come from?! Oh well, it looks presentable.

I'm still a little ruffled about my brother not wanting to move his things downstairs. He comes over once or twice a week and spends time in the room that will eventually be designated for 'baby' (I really am trying to get used to calling it that, I swear). I am trying to understand that he is going through a big change too, and is not ready to give up what he has.. but dammit if I have to.. so does he! It's only fair. Right? Right.

15 weeks... Time seems to pass slowly... It's going to be a long time before I have to change diapers and figure out the challenge of feeding a newborn. I visited my long-time friend Amy last night. She has a new baby. I was really afraid to go over there.. afraid I was going to be physically sick to the sight of a little 'stinky fleshbag' (as I was so fond of yelling in the car on the way home from OKC this weekend). I was not, I am happy to say.. and even held her for a few moments. She is very small (5lbs 10oz), and opened her eyes wide to stare fixatedly at my nose when I cradled her against my chest. I must confess there were alot of emotions going through that same chest... though most of which were not recognizable as disgust.

She has been having a hard time feeding Bella from the breast. I believe this is because the hospital forced her to feed her from a bottle within the first 24 hours of life. They also made her lay on her back during her entire labor. This is another reason why I need to create a Birth Plan. So many things you didn't know about being pregnant right? Well this is one that I had never heard of... You have to WRITE a PLAN? Aren't the doctors supposed to just KNOW what to do? No way apparantly. You have to put down every detail of how you want things to go.. otherwise you are subject to the whimsy of greenhorn nurses and doctors who would rather be playing golf. So.. I have no idea where to start. I have a few months to figure it out though.. so we'll let it ride. I know birthing positions and my preference to FEED AT THE BREAST within the first moments of life.. are very high on that priority list. Amy's poor kid just has no clue how to feed from mommy.. because all they've been doing is shoving a bottle in her mouth. Amy was concerned she wasn't "producing" enough... but that is precisely why. I am so angry about that.. but.. who do I tell? You get to hear it I guess.

It is nice to be home. I don't miss the hectic heyday of work. I do miss some of the people.. but for the most part.. I am satisfied seeing my husband every single day for more than just a few hours. The last year and a half of our lives has been very challenging, and very mind altering.. and has done nothing but draw us closer together, and force us to understand each other more. There are still days I want to strangle him.. but it is usually followed by a laugh, a kiss, and a cuddle. Everyday is a good day with Robert, and I know all the way to my toes.. that I am in the right place at the right time. It is pretty satisfying.

Anyway.. it's bedtime! I had forgotten how satisfying it was to sit here.. and write about absolutely nothing. To pour out my insides in digital paper. I've been trying to call my doctor for a week to prescribe some medication for me.. but I think in truth.. the only thing I really needed to do was write. Of course.. this is.. because we all know I like to write at heart, and nothing could be better medicine.