Thursday, September 28, 2006

Welcome to the Peverett Phile, where wet dreams come true. Virginia Senator George Allen is under fire for making racially insensitive remarks and for having a Confederate flag in his office. He blames it all on the Jewish controlled media. The Senate has passed a resolution to build a 700 mile fence along our 2,000 mile Mexican border. This is what happens when you let President Bush do the math. The Fox network has a new show coming out called "When Presidents Attack!” Did you see that? President Clinton’s interview with Chris Wallace, he said he tried to kill Osama bin Laden many times. I’d believe Clinton but we all know how bad his aim is. If Osama bin Laden weighed 200 more pounds and wore a red beret Clinton would have nailed him! Bill hasn’t been this angry since Hillary made him take his page off MySpace. There’s rumors going around that George Clooney might run for a political office. When asked about it Clooney said, "The only thing I’m running for is two legs and skirt.” He said that. Which Ted Kennedy responded, "No reason you can’t do both.” Liquids can now be carried on flights again. However the liquids must be bought in airport gift shops. You know who thought of this? The airport gift shops. Gas prices have now gone from obscene to jus indecent. Jackass II is the big hit at the box office. Don’t confuse that with Jackass I which is about Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. As you know Hugo Chavez insulted President Bush last week at the U.N. This upset many Americans. It goes across party lines. Democrat Representative Charlie Rangel said it’s one thing for Americans to criticize President Bush, but not okay for foreign leaders to do it on American soil. Sort of like Catholics making fun of Catholics. Jews making fun of Jews. Or Michael Jackson making fun of child molesters. He also called President Bush "the devil”. Then he called him a "cowboy”. President Bush’s response was, "He is sure making it hard me to figure out my Halloween costume.” And finally, they've come out with a new Tickle Me Elmo Doll that lies on its back and kicks its legs in the air. Don't confuse this with the Paris Hilton Doll. That's totally different!

DOCTOR WHO NEWS

Sci Fi Wire, the news service of the US Sci Fi Channel, has announced the North American release of the second series on DVD on 16 January 2007, according to BBC Worldwide Americas. "We're over the moon with Doctor Who," said Megan Branigan, vice president of BBC video marketing, in an interview with Sci-Fi Wire. "We're really pleased with the results this year. We're very excited to continue the momentum with [season] two as we did with [season] one." The DVD release will be exactly the same as the UK version, including video diaries, the cut-down versions of Doctor Who Confidential, and the lenticular box cover. The second series of Doctor Who starring David Tennant will begin tomorrow, Friday 29 September on Sci Fi in the US, and on 9 October in Canada on CBC; the release states that the DVD set will be released on the Tuesday after the series finale in the US, meaning that the season will finish later than was originally expected and will likely skip several weekends late in 2006.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

CBS keeps moving The Amazing Race, and it’s just not helping. The show placed third in its new Sunday night timeslot, beaten by both Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and Sunday Night Football. An average of 10.1 million people watched the start of the new race, while Ty Pennington drew 11.5 million. Both were stomped by football’s 18.4 million viewers. But there was more bad news for Phil and his new bag o’ dirty tricks: “the debut slipped 11% compared with last fall’s premiere among the core audience of adults ages 18 to 49,” the Los Angeles Times reports. Just to grind the splinter in a bit deeper, the LA Times notes that, along with the news that Survivor had its lowest debut yet, this means “CBS is entering the new season … with two of its top reality franchises showing signs of advanced age.” And on Survivor: Billy was voted off Survivor Cook Islands last Thursday after his tribe threw the challenge just to get rid of him. But he told Jeff Probst something at Tribal Council that was perhaps the most unexpected, random moment in the show’s 13 season history. Here’s how the conversation went: Billy: “My prize was that I fell in love in this game, love at first sight. Her name is Candace.” (laughter from his tribemates) Probst: “Candice from Raro tribe?” Billy: “Yeah, at the last challenge, we sort of mouthed the words ‘I love you’ to each other, so that was my prize, and my prize was her.” Probst: “I’ve never heard anything that surprised me more than what you just said. And I want to be respectful because I don’t know what happened. But what would she base feeling the same way you feel on?” Billy: “I think it’s just love at first sight. I think it’s just a rapport thing.” Probst: “So you’re absolutely sincere right now.” Billy: “I’m dead serious.” This would be touching and cute except for that fact that Billy clearly read into something that just wasn’t there. At the challenge, Candice told the entire Aitu tribe, “I feel really bad for you guys.” Billy quietly told her, “I’m next.” She said, “We love you,” and then, ignoring the “we,” replied, “I love you” while looking sheepish. So very, very sad.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1066: Duke William lands 7,000 troops at Pevensey, Kent. Thus begins the Norman conquest of England. 1850: The United States Navy abolishes the practice of flogging. Among the crimes for which this was the penalty are: stealing poultry from the coop (12 lashes), being lousy (6), stealing a wig (12), and being naked on the spar deck (9). This reform is perhaps the signature moment in Millard Filmore's presidency. 1920: A Cook County grand jury indicts the Black Sox 8 -- the White Sox players paid to throw the 1919 World Series to the Cincinnati Reds. Even though they are found not guilty, Commissioner Landis bans them all from professional baseball for life. 1978: A nun at the Vatican discovers the lifeless body of Pope John Paul I, formerly Albino Luciani, in bed. The pontiff had been on the job only 33 days before unexpectedly dying in his sleep, after having taken some sort of pills with dinner. The church refuses to grant an autopsy. 1989: Former Philippine president Ferdinand Marcos dies in Waikiki, Hawaii, after three years in exile. He was in ill health, and awaiting US charges on looting funds from his country. His wife keeps the cadaver in a refrigerated coffin for years. 1994: The ferry Estonia suddenly capsizes in the Baltic, drowning 852. The vessel sinks in less than five minutes, making it impossible for more than a handful of passengers to make it to the lifeboats. Many of them die trapped in their cabins. 1994: The world fails to end for a Borneo doomsday cult based in Sabah, after authorities arrest nearly 200 members, more than 50 of whom are children. The armed group was garbed in yellow robes and intended to perform a human sacrifice before the End Time.

CANNED LAUGHTER

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."

Q: If women with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?A: IHOP.

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

British clinics treating couples with fertility problems are suffering from a major sperm shortage after the authorities lifted donor anonymity in April last year. A BBC television investigation said that 50 of the 74 clinics which responded to questioning had either insufficient sperm or none at all. The country as a whole has about 85 such clinics. Donors of frozen sperm, eggs and embryos were stripped of their anonymity in April 2005. Now a child born thanks to a donation is able to discover the identity of the donor once they reach the age of 18. Previously, donor children were only able to obtain non-identifying information and to verify that they were not genetically related to their partner's family. Donors of fresh sperm will have their anonymity lifted next year. California has allowed publication of the identities of donors since the early 1980s. In Europe, Sweden lifted anonymity in 1984, followed by Norway, the Netherlands and Iceland. In France, a proposal was submitted in June to create a so-called "double counter": one with identified donors, and one with anonymous ones. Future parents would be able to choose between the two. In 2000, Britain had 325 donors, compared to just 157 between January and August 2005, according to the latest data acquired by AFP from the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA), the authority that oversees fertility treatment. According to the BBC investigation, there are only 169 registered donors in the United Kingdom and none in Northern Ireland, one in Scotland and six in Wales. The new technique, intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI), means in-vitro fertilisation for an egg with the sperm of the future father after natural attempts at conception have failed. Some 15,000 treatments of this type were carried out in 2002-2003 (compared to 10,000 in 1998-1999), along with more than 6,000 inseminations through donors (10,000 in 1998-1999). The British Fertility Society (BFS) says it is "well aware of the difficulties many patients throughout the country are experiencing" and noted that the BBC's investigation "reinforces our own findings that many clinics are now finding it impossible to provide these services". A group study set up by the society should "shortly" deliver recommendations to the health ministry, said Dr Mark Hamilton, its president. But the new legislation is not retrospective, so new requests for the identities of today's donors should start appearing only in 2023. According to the HFEA, those who have made donations between 1991 and 2005 can voluntarily relinquish their anonymity. Some clinics have been forced to seek stocks overseas, particularly in Spain. Since 1991, 16,000 babies have been born through sperm donations. A single donation can be used by up to ten families. The process doesn't come cheap, with HFEA saying IVF costs between 2,000 and 3,000 pounds (2,973 to 4,459 euros, or 3,799 to 5,698 dollars).

BIZARRE X-RAYS

On 2004, dutch actress Georgina Verbaan confounded critics who doubted the authenticity of her mams by publishing impressive x-ray profiles of the suspect assets on her website. The results are conclusive proof that the 25-year-old did not surgically enhance her jubs in advance of a €200,000 photo shoot for the December issue of Dutch Playboy.

P.P.T.V.

chateau lafitte 59 boogie "this is KIL N FLO playing a foghat song the sound is weak at best this band started as a jam session band the three lead guitars was real cool pardon the sound but this rocks."

Nestor Judkins "This is the new enjoi commercial with Nestor Judkins. Nestor's freakin sick, he's got great, clean style. The song is Foghat- I Just Want To Make Love To You."

NRBQ Little Floater "NRBQ perform Little Floater, their late period classic, with a little help on saxophone from Phil Woods."

Russell Crowe's Rumored-But-Totally-Not-Gonna-Happen Crocodile Hunter Biopic: It's going to take more than a Russell Crowe tantrum to stop Hollywood from profiting from Steve Irwin's death: Somebody even more famous is going to have to die.

Atlas Shrugged: Not only will it star Angelina Jolie, but considering the subject matter, there's a high probability that theaters will be packed with brainy college feminists. Hot!

Home Of The Brave: Sam Jackson, Jessica Biel, 50 Cent and a bunch of other random people go to war in the trailer, and then when they get back home, they have, like, issues to deal with and stuff. It's this year's Crash.

Well, I think that's about it. Check out the Phile's webshots page at

peverettphile to see pics from the Innoventions Cast Cook-Out, and our trip to Busch Gardens. Remember, spread the word, and not the turd.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

You get a lot of girl singers obsessed with Aretha. You get a lot of little swingers wishin' they could be her. Some of those sisters can rock and roll, all God's children gotta little bit of soul. But not that much. You get a lot of fat Christians you want to throw to the lions. Put em in a barrel, roll em off the top of Mount Zion. Ignorant acceptance is their only aim, with Jesus your life'll be better they claim, but not that much. Yeah but when you hear Aretha singing on some advertisement, or with a big fussy band on some rock'n'roll museum concert, she's still got the lungs and the dress and the stole. You might even say the girl's still got soul. But not that much. You get a lot of little monkeys swingin' from the treetops. You get a lot of little flunkeys singin' on Top of the Pops. Some of them appear in the gutter press tellin' you their lives are a mess, but not that much. You get a lot of little stringers pullin' out their penknives, cuttin' up history, jugglin' with lives. Bein' a reporter is a glamorous trade, you don't even have to tell the truth to get paid, well not that much. No not that much.

Hello, and welcome to another entry of the Peverett Phile, which I am sure you all love, but not that much. Willie Nelson was arrested for procession of marijuana earlier this week. Nice to see we’re cracking down on crime in this country! Police officers said Willie’s bus reeked of pot. That’s when you know it’s bad, when the pot smoke overwhelms the diesel smell of your tour bus. A giant bus with Willie Nelson on the side. That’s probable cause right there isn’t it? Whitman’s has come out with a new chocolate that helps you loose weight. Didn’t that used to be called a laxative? James Watson is getting the Nobel Peace Prize. He was one of the co-finders of DNA. If it wasn’t for DNA we wouldn’t have the "Maury Povich Show”. Or that big stupid tower in front of the Wonders of Life building at Epcot. Mel Gibson’s daughter got married. Hey Mel, don’t think of it as losing a daughter – think of it as gaining another designated driver. Last Monday on "Deal or No Deal” a contestant won $675,000. That is the most money ever won on the show. When asked about the winnings the contestant said, "I’m glad I dropped out of high school and went into focusing on suitcase picking.” More is coming out from Matt Lauer’s interview with Debra Lefave. The police were notified by the boy’s mother. You ever notice in these cases involving teachers and male students that it is always the mother calling the police? It’s never the father. Lefave is no longer a teacher. She’s now a waitress. The bad news is that it’s at Chuckie Cheese. Are you all watching "Survivor: Apartheid”? In this edition of "Survivor” the tribes have been broken up into ethnic groups; whites, blacks, Asians, and Hispanics. The writers are Jewish. If Michael Jackson was a contestant on the show I wonder which tribe he would be a part of? The next season of "Survivor” will feature Christians versus Muslims in "Survivor: Baghdad Island”. Ford Motor Company’s motto is still "Job 1”. But jobs 2 through 7500 are now eliminated. There’s a lot of tension in the world. A few days ago Pope Benedict apologized to Muslims for statements he has made. Altar boys are still waiting for theirs. Last weekend Pete Rose signed 30 baseballs at a sports show in L.A. He signed each ball saying, "Sorry I bet on baseball.” O.J. signed knives that said, "Sorry I killed my wife.” And finally, Bravo has announced that next year they will start a gay version of "The View”. Gay people everywhere are saying, "I thought the gay version of The View was The View.”

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

After two disappointing seasons in a row—the family edition, and the one with the annoying, constantly victorious teams of young white guys—I wasn’t expecting much from the debut of The Amazing Race 10. From the opening note and Seattle flyover, this season felt different, like the old seasons, those before Rob, Amber, Jonathan, Victoria, and that twit Alison from Big Brother. And it was different, especially when, halfway through the first episode, the producers pulled a dick move and eliminated a team randomly and unnecessarily. There was no pit stop and basically no emotional payoff because we didn’t yet know the teams, yet the team was sent home anyway. What is it with classy reality shows sinking to the level of the crap, in part by breaking their own rules? It’s utterly disappointing. In China, Bilal and Sa’eed pulled the last departure time, which said simply “last team.” They were directed down a path, where, surprisingly, they found the mat. Phil appeared from the shadows, where he’d been lurking, probably doing dirty things (like conspiring with the producers). “I said there would be surprises. Even though this is not a pit stop, I’m sorry to tell, you’ve both have been eliminated from the race,” Phil told them. Then Phil said to the everyone else, who was watching intently, “and I’m sorry to tell the rest of you you’ve all been eliminated, too. T-tow!” Seriously, though, that would have been just as random. Bilal, I think (we didn’t have enough time to get to know them as individuals), said, “We didn’t expect this, because it doesn’t say this was a pit stop! This just goes to show, you have no control over anything. The creator does.” Yes, and his name is Christof. I mean, Betram van Munster, the executive producer of the series. That aside, the remaining teams seem interesting, entertaining, and somewhat strong. While this cast has a number of firsts—the race’s first openly lesbian woman, the first race with an Indian-American team, the first race with an amputee, et cetera—there are quite a few familiar teams, such as the Guido-esque gay guys and the dysfunctional couple. However, no old team means there’s room for even more cute white girls; there are two sets this time. And there are also the requisite white 20-something models, although Tyler and James are ex-junkies, which is kind of hot. We also have a coal miner and his wife, and they’re nonstop comic relief, switching from being sweet to sniping in about six nanoseconds. Despite the diversity, the white 20-something guys still came in first, and in the first episode alone, we lost the Muslim team and the Indian-American team. By the way, what was with the stutter in the theme song at the beginning of the episode? The song reached its end too early, while the teams were still being shown, and then, instead of stopping, awkwardly repeated the last part. The random interjection of something that was out of place yet familiar? Perhaps it was just foreshadowing. And last Thursday, Survivor Cook Islands finally debuted, and perhaps the biggest surprise was that it wasn’t all that different from most seasons. Of course, the cast was nowhere near as pasty white as it usually is, and the ethnically diverse group was divided into tribes based upon their race. But besides some comments made by tribe members about their own groups, there wasn’t any conflict between the groups. In other words, no race war yet. One of the most significant things about this new season is that, “because of the cast’s overall diversity, the show actually helped guard against the typical type of reality television stereotyping that often occurs because there are so few non-white people. … [I]t is now much more difficult for ignorant viewers to link the behavior and appearance of certain cast members. If one person behaves in a certain way, there are others of the same skin color and background who may act completely differently, and make generalization impossible.” The Washington Post’s always insightful Lisa de Moraes doesn’t really see the show has having all that much to brag about, however. She writes that “the producers made sure all the racially insensitive comments were made by members of ethnic minorities in this first episode, which allowed them to back-door plenty of provocative comments without seeming racist themselves.” But she concludes that “the contestants on ‘Survivor: Race Wars’ were dumb enough to let themselves be used by CBS to whip up the race.”

SHARPENING AXES

Often, Internet users employ a secret language of acronyms to communicate in chat rooms. These acronyms make chatting faster, but they can be used to keep information from parents. Here’s a list of commonly used chat lingo. Become familiar with these acronyms and let your children chat online only with family and approved friends.

A/S/L - age, sex, location

BF - boyfriend

DIKU - do I know you?

F2F - face to face

GF - girlfriend

H&K - hug and kiss

ILU - I love you

IPN - I'm posting naked

IWALU - I will always love you

KOC - kiss on cheek

KOL - kiss on lips

LTR - long term relationship

NIFOC - naked in front of computer

NP - nosy parents

OLL - online love

P911 - my parents are coming!

PA - parent alert

PAL - parents are listening

PANB - parents are nearby

PM - private message

POS - parent over shoulder

TAW - teachers are watching

WTGP - want to go private

TODAY IN HISTORY

1597: The Dean of Guild, William Dun, receives a bonus of 47 pounds, 3 shillings, and 4 pence for "the great number of witches burnt this year." 1915: With a winning bid of £6,600, Mr. Cecil Chubb purchases Stonehenge and 30 acres of land at auction. He donates the monument to the British state three years later. 1947: Horror author Stephen King born in Portland, Maine. Incidentally, his book 'Night Shift' was named after the Foghat album of the same name! 1983: Ronald Reagan's Secretary of the Interior, James Watt, describes his staff's racial diversity to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce: "We have every mixture you can have. I have a black, a woman, two Jews and a cripple. And we have talent." Watt is forced to resign 18 days later over these comments. 1989: The Saudi government beheads 16 Kuwaiti terrorists in public after convicting them of a deadly bombing at the Great Mosque in Mecca two months earlier. The perpetrators claimed they had been trained by Iran, but Iran denied any involvement.

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

KARATE LESBIAN: Carron Strike, 37, bombarded the 15-year-old with texts and emails and also wooed her with the message: “Like Nike, just do it.” Another text said: “You have been summoned to cupid’s court for being as fit as fuck. If found guilty, you will be sentenced to unlimited hot sex with me. How do you plead?” The girl’s mother became suspicious after her daughter returned late from karate class — then mum-of-three Strike and her own daughter started visiting the family home “almost daily”. The victim ran away from home one night after a row with her mum, Snaresbrook Crown Court in East London, heard. She went to Strike’s house in Dagenham, Essex. The coach took the girl to bed and abused her most of the night. Strike — separated from her husband — admitted meeting a child following sexual grooming and three counts of sexual activity. She will be sentenced later.

CANNED LAUGHTER

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manuals."

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, and nearly hit a bus. The shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me." The frightened passenger apologized and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. The driver replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

DISNEY'S AMERICA

Let's take a quick little quiz, shall we? If I were to ask you what makes Pirates of the Caribbean such a successful movie franchise, would you answer: A. The fine acting, led by Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow. B. It is a movie about pirates, and everybody loves pirates. C. It was based on a ride at the marvelous Walt Disney World resort. D. Probably any answer in the world which is not C. If you answered A, B, or D, congratulations, you get full credit and can be considered to have above room temperature intelligence. If you answered C, you are probably a voting member of Disney's movie division, Walt Disney Pictures, which has just recently decided to green light -- with "high-priority" status, mind you -- another film based on a theme park ride. This time, the "potential franchise" is none other than Disney's Jungle Cruise, one of the classic original rides at the park which features cruise riders who come across all kinds of wild jungle creatures on their voyage. Bet you just can't wait to shell out for this one, right?

POLITICALLY INCORRECT ALPHABET

V is for virgin: Isn't it strange that the most familiar image of a virgin (in Europe and the Americas) is a woman either pregnant or suckling a child? No wonder we're confused. What early religious instruction I received was under the mantle of the Church of England. Mary was alleged to be a virgin when pregnant with her first child Jesus, but when 'Jesus, the missing years' 12-30 were being filled in by Ladybird books we were invited to imagine Jesus and his brothers helping Joseph with his carpentry business. Indeed, when Jesus started out on the preaching and miracles, people in his hometown were surprised by his ability and asked "Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary, the brother of James, and Joses, and of Juda, and Simon? and are not his sisters here with us?" (Mark 6:3 King James Version - Matthew 13:55-56 reads similarly). These brothers were not keen on his activities though "But soon it was time for the Festival of Shelters, and Jesus' brothers urged him to go to Judea for the celebration. "Go where your followers can see your miracles!" they scoffed. "You can't become a public figure if you hide like this! If you can do such wonderful things, prove it to the world!" For even his brothers didn't believe in him." (John 7:2-5, New Living Translation). One brother, James, did however later join his band of apostles (Galatians 1:19) and became the first Bishop of Jerusalem. However, despite the gospels the Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox churches refuse to countenance Joseph and his young wife Mary consumating their marriage, and find the suggestion that Jesus had brothers and sisters offensive (unless they are explained away as step siblings from Joseph's conjectured previous marriage). For them, the Virgin Mary remained chaste, because sex is, of course, dirty. Anyway, bible study is now over for today. For Virgin we have a gravid Mary gestating Jesus. He's kicking! Politically incorrect because it is religious dogma and contradicts biology. W is for witch. What with the phenomenal success of JK Rowlings' Harry Potter books you might think that witches, wizards and warlocks are way inside the acceptance boundary, but in some minds the suggestion of a non-mainstream spirituality pushes them off to the blasted heath.X is for Xmas. The feast of Christmas is a Christian* one, thus 'excluding' followers of other religions or none. The abbreviation 'Xmas' is however offensive to some Christians. What balance! Excepting some Adventists, who see its Pagan influence revealed by such signs as Christmas trees and the mid-winter setting. At infants school I drew shocked looks and was sent out of class for asking how it was that if Jesus was born at Christmas he was given a lamb as a present, since lambs aren't born until spring. Y is for yank. The word is one of those that can have both a negative and positive flavor. When used in a derogotory fashion as in "Damn Yankees" it's a definate negative, yet when used as "Yankee Doodle" it has more of a patriotic ring to it. And lastly, Z is for zombie. Only by having a taboo-busting flesh eating half-dead cannibal can you have a truly politically incorrect alphabet!

BIZARRE X-RAYS

A film shows PVC plumbing pipes inserted in the bones of a deceased person as part of an alleged body parts ring.

Well, that's it. This weekend I will be updating the webshots page before or after Jen, logan and I will go to Busch Gardens for the weekend. I'll be back with another entry next Thursday, but in the mean time spread the word, but not the turd...but not that much. Oh, here's another random picture.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

State your peace, go ahead and say it, I swear it can't get much worse, make a peace of history, a blessing from a curse. Hello, everybody, welcome to another entry of the Peverett Phile. The latest polls have President Bush down another three points. This means the Democrats will have to work really hard to screw up this time. Al Gore says he hasn’t ruled out a second run for president. He also hasn’t ruled out a second run for pie, a second run for cake, a second run for cookies… Isn’t it interesting that global warming has made Al hot again? For the first time ever there is now scientific proof that air travel can increase the spread of viruses. So now we may be able to stop the spread of some things, like bird flu. Does this mean I can no longer take my chicken on board? How can I now travel with my livestock? Scientists are trying to fuse human cells with rabbit eggs. They’re trying to make a human with a lucky foot. Last week the NFL on NBC was the highest rated program. You know what this means – next we’ll have NFL: Criminal Intent and NFL: Special Victims Unit. A new survey has found that drug use is down among teens, but it is up with people over 50. Especially marijuana use. So here’s some advice to any kid out there reading this – hide your stash! The American Helium Association announced there is a shortage of helium until December. In fact there might not be enough helium for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. When asked why there was shortage they responded by saying, (in a high pitched voice) "We have no idea.” Bobby Brown has left Whitney Houston. It’s always the couples you least expect. Apparently Whitney came home and found Bobby hitting another woman. Britney Spears had her second baby. The first baby drove them to the hospital. Britney is doing fine. The baby is doing fine. The husband is doing nothing. Bill Clinton wanted the five hour ABC program about 9/11 pulled. He wanted it replaced with a five hour "Girls Gone Wild” special. They say that if Clinton had not concentrated on legal problems so much it wouldn’t have been a distraction to his advisors. But that’s what they always say about an elephant in the room. There was a 6.0 earthquake in Mexico over the weekend. The quake was so bad that people who want to stay in Mexico actually got thrown across the border. The tremors were felt all over Central Florida, but Minneola, 'cause I didn't feel a thing. Speaking of Mexico, the new president of Mexico says that he wants to work with the United States to let people in Mexico work jobs that they want to in the United States. As opposed to creating new jobs in Mexico. In fact I believe that was his campaign slogan – love it and leave it. Fox News is reporting that the two leading candidates for the Democratic nomination for president are Hillary Clinton and Al Gore. One wants to prevent the melting of ice bergs and the other is an ice berg. Experts now believe that dentistry has been around for 7500 years. 7500 years. The amazing thing is that still has not caught on in England. The International Air Guitar Championships are going on in Finland. I hear the winner gets an imaginary check of $1 million. President Bush says that we are now safer than we were five years ago. Sure, now that we got Paris Hilton off the road. That’s the big story. Paris Hilton was arrested for a DUI. That is Diva Under the Influence. The arrest actually helped fix the friendship between Paris and Nicole Ritchie. After Paris was arrested Nicole went down to the jail and slipped between the bars to visit. There are now over one billion obese people in the world. McDonald’s today said that isn’t good enough. And finally, Sunday was Grandparents Day. The good thing is that if you forgot there’s a good chance your grandparents did too.

DOCTOR WHO NEWS

While the second season of Doctor Who makes its way to America, debuting on September 29, fans who want to see the first season of the show will have the opportunity when it starts airing on the BBC America network, beginning Tuesday November 21. Episodes will run Tuesdays at 10PM Eastern. "BBC America ran a trailer for Doctor Who during the closing credits of The Avengers and Life On Mars (early airings) on September 11, running the trailer as a full screen commercial during the repeat of Life On Mars," says Benjamin Elliott of our 'This Week in Doctor Who' column. "It's a slightly edited and sped up version of the BBC One trailer from March 2005 (Christopher Eccleston - Do You Want To Come With Me?/fireball). Shows on BBC America that air at 10PM Eastern (7PM Pacific) repeat later in the night - typically at 2AM Eastern (11PM Pacific)." There is no information on the BBC America website at this time. BBC Worldwide has announced that Most Management will be the new exclusive North American licensing agent for Doctor Who. The company is based in Los Angeles and "will act as the licensing agent for the Doctor Who franchise, including the new Doctor Who series" which airs on CBC. They will also handle the classic series which airs on BBC Kids. "We are excited to work with MOST MANAGEMENT on new and unique products for one of BBC Worldwide's longest-running and most successful franchises," said Julia Posen, Sales Director, Children's, BBC Worldwide. "We want the fans in North America to have the opportunity to be a part of the Doctor Who phenomenon that has captivated UK and European audiences for over 40 years now." "With the success of the new Doctor Who series on the CBC, the market on this side of the pond has definitely grown exponentially with this evergreen franchise," stated Marc Mostman, president of Most Management. "We are committed to building a line of high quality licensed products for North American audiences that captures the Doctor Who experience."

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

“Boogie, it’s hard to justify giving half a million dollars to someone that owns six restaurants and kind of bullied and threatened their way in a reality TV game show,” Howie told Mike “Boogie” Malin right before casting his vote. It was perhaps the most intelligent thing Howie has ever said. Alas, Howie — along with Danielle, Will, Janelle, Games, and George — cast a vote for Mike, who won Big Brother 7 with all but Marcellas’ vote. Some of those votes for Mike were unexpected, but Janelle’s was not. She made her hatred of Erika clear, particularly after Erika admitted to Janelle that she played Janelle. “My best move was convincing Janelle to vote out Will,” Erika told the jury. “He was the one I know I needed to get out in order to position myself where I am now.” I love Janelle for her game play last summer and her victories this season, but I totally don’t understand her strategy. She ripped Erika for being a floater and not being “loyal.” Being loyal did get Janelle to the final three, but the whole game might have gone very differently without her warped perception of the floaters. She did say one thing that made some sense: “Chill Town ran this game, and for us to deny them a winner, it’s not really fair, because they played a better game.” They may have played a better game, but a good 95 percent of that was Will, not Mike. Still, Mike did make it to the end, and for that, he deserves credit, although not respect. When asked what his best move in the game was, Boogie said it “was not using the special power that I had and keeping Janelle in the game and aligning with her for the homestretch.” Kind of interesting that he’s either perpetuating the lie about the coup d’etat, or the producers never really did take away his power despite the fact that he broke the rules. The best part of the finale came before Mike “Boogie” Malin received half a million dollars, and that was when Julie Chen allowed the jury—and Mike and Erika—see footage from the diary room. Janelle watched James call her awful names, and Erika had to watch Boogie calling her awful names. Alison said, “Erika, I hope you use that money, buy yourself some dignity,” but Erika was dismissive (“we played each other”), and Mike was basically in denial (“it’s an edited television show, people, just remember that”). Jase and Diane also admitted that they had a secret alliance, albeit by using Mike and Will’s goddamn stupid phone call routine. Seconds later, everyone had to watch a montage of those routines. If these two jackasses get cast on The Amazing Race, I will boycott that entire season, not that anyone cares. Now, though, it’s time to pretend that I didn’t just waste the last three months, and hope that next summer is more like last summer, rather than this disastrous bore of a season. If you’re more interesting than the people who we just watched, CBS is now accepting applications. Next week I will start reviewing Survivor and The Amazing Race.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1927: Legendary dancer Isadora Duncan is killed in Nice, France when her long silk scarf gets tangled in the rear wheel of the convertible she's riding in. Her neck is broken and an artery severed. Some accounts have her thrown against the pavement and dragged for 100 feet. The freak accident occurs in full view of a number of friends. 1956: Surgeons Walter Freeman and Egas Moniz perform America's first prefrontal lobotomy on a depressed, 63-year-old Kansas woman in Washington, D.C. They successfully create a lethargic dullard, and the duo hails the result for years to come as a medical triumph, despite the fact that two of their next twenty lobotomy subjects end as fatalities. 1982: Grace Kelly, American-born princess of Monaco, dies after a high speed car crash the previous day. She and daughter Princess Stephanie were badly injured when their British Rover 3500 plunged into a ravine, tumbling 45 feet. In the official version of events, Grace suffered a mild stroke while driving; however, rumors persist that 17-year-old Princess Stephanie was actually behind the wheel.

I COME FROM A NATION OF SHOPKEEPERS

Adobe Photoshop For Pedophiles: At an earlier hearing Stafford Sven Tudor-Miles, 38, from Middlesbrough, admitted five counts of making indecent pseudo-photographs of children. Judge Tony Briggs was told of the defendant's previous convictions for sex crimes, over almost 20 years. At Teesside Crown Court, he imposed an indefinite sentence, recommending that Tudor-Miles serves at least 15 months. At the earlier hearing, the defendant also admitted one count of possessing the images and breaching a Sex Offender's Order. Tudor-Miles, of Bankfields Road, Eston, Middlesbrough, scanned photographs of adult porn stars into his computer and manipulated the pictures using digital equipment. He digitally reduced the breast sizes and altered the genitals to make them look like young girls. He added school uniforms to some images. At an earlier hearing, his barrister argued the pictures were of adults and therefore no offence had been committed. But after failing to have the charges thrown out, he admitted the offences. They were committed in January and February and came to light after Tudor-Miles' house was raided by police on a separate matter. The court was told he had asked his GP for help to reduce his urges and sought psychiatric help. The court was told of previous convictions including in 1997 he was jailed for six years at Birmingham Crown Court after grabbing an 11-year-old girl at knifepoint, tying her up, putting tape over her eyes and then forcing her to commit a degrading sex act on him.

CANNED LAUGHTER

A trucker who has been on the road for threeweeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The madam is astonished. "But, sir, for that kind of money, you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

THERE IS A GOD

Mr Irwin, a TV personality known as the "Crocodile Hunter", was killed while diving in Queensland when a stingray's barb stabbed him in the chest. Since then, 10 stingrays have been found mutilated on Queensland beaches. Government officials said they were investigating the deaths and there could be prosecutions. Two stingrays were found at a beach north of Brisbane with their tails cut off, while eight were found on another beach on Monday, The Australian reported. Wayne Sumpton of the state fisheries department said it was not clear if the incidents were connected to Mr Irwin's death. He said fishermen who inadvertently caught stingrays sometimes cut off their tails to avoid being stung, but such a practice was uncommon. Stingrays are normally placid, but when they feel under threat, a sharp, poisonous spine in their tail flicks up. A public memorial service for Mr Irwin will be held next week.

R is for rubber. In my schooldays condoms were commonly called johnnies, short for rubber johnny, so a request to borrow someone's rubber was often met with an overt nudge, wink and 'oo-er missus'. If it passed for humour then, I'm sure it's good enough for now. S is for Satan. He goes by many other names but is best known to friends and foes alike as Satan. Red skinned, with cloven feet, forked tongue, pointed tail and horned head. Or just the business suit and briefcase. T is for tramp. What the Americans call a hobo, rather than what the British call a slut. The one with the knotted hankerchief on a stick. U is for Union Jack. Rule Brittania! The Union Jack (pedantically the 'Union Flag') first represented my glorious empire, then became a symbol of trendy 60's Brit chic, with Union Jack emblazoned E-types and mini dresses. Then however it was hijacked by the ultra right wing, becoming associated with xenophobia, cultural myopia and lager louts who eat their curry then abuse the waiter. Town halls could no longer hoist the standard without being accused of supporting imperialism and racism. Which is a shame, because if only from a design perspective it's rather natty. Even when it's wrapped around Ginger Spice. Next week V, W, X, Y and Z.

Yoda vs Britney Spears how did Yoda earn his life on Dagobah? here's what he really did! awesome!!!! seems like he turned to the dark side for 1 buck....

MOVIE BUZZ

Casino Royale: I think the trailer's actually a subtle homage to Aerosmith. Watch Bond indiscriminately butcher everyone in sight as Vesper Lynd drowns in a sinking elevator. You might say he's livin' it up while she's goin' down.

The Mummy 3: Brendan Fraser's making another mummy movie, which in turn will result in a sequel to The Scorpion King, which will result in another Van Helsing movie, which will result in … this crap's never gonna stop, is it?

The Hobbit(s): You're thinking, "Hooray! That book's even better than The Lord of the Rings!" But they also wanna do a sequel. You should be thinking, "Hoo—WHAT!? Tolkien didn't even write a second Hobbit book, you idiots!"

Temeraire: Peter Jackson's dragon-egg movie more or less guarantees he ain't gonna bother directing The Hobbit. Still, this is awesome news. Now they just need to adapt the holy grail of fantasy books: the Dragonlance series. You geeks know what I'm talkin' about.

Terminator 4: The last movie ended with Nick Stahl and Claire Danes huddling in a shelter while the planet is blown up by nukes. This one begins when they walk outside into the aftermath to find that the only living things are cockroaches … and Eddie Furlong! I just blew your mind.

Vacancy: Read this synopsis and see whether you can find the exact point at which it goes from sexy to creepy: Kate Beckinsale (hint: sexy) plays a sexy, sexy hottie (hint: still sexy) trapped in a hotel room (hint: a little weird, but still sexy) with a video camera (hint: still sexy) and some dude (hint: would have been sexier with another babe, but still sexy). Plus, they're in a snuff film. Aaaaaaaaaand creepy.

Ruby Tuesday: I could think of a better Stones tune to turn into an animated movie. Like, what about a really literal take on "Wild Horses," with a bunch of crazy ponies trying to drag Mick away? And then one day he trains them and saddles up? You know, that's probably the stupidest idea I've ever come up with. Never mind.

Air Guitar Nation: I decree that this doc shall be the most wicked-awesome theatrical experience of all time. Why? Because of this dude.

Well, there we have it, another packed full entey of the Phile. Don't forget to check out the Phile's Phile's webshots page. I updated it with a few pictures from when Logan and I went to Epcot again last Saturday. Until next week, spread the word and not the turd.

Thursday, September 7, 2006

Now don't get bent out of shape, don't start tearing out your hair, one a sweet little angel, that stuff's nowhere. When the bombs go off on Oxford Street and the kids beat up old people, it's just a soundtrack for your life it's just everyday evil. Some people are in charge of pens that shouldn't be in charge of brooms, they have the nerve to rip up a man's life in a paragraph or two. And the aeroplanes get hijacked and all the Americans get killed, and the children are addicted to a sugar-coated pill. Well you get sent out on the racetrack, you get spurs dug in your cheeks, you'll see a winning post in the distance that you'll never reach. And there's a hole in the atmosphere gets bigger every time you spray your hair, and someone's drilling down through the earth just to see what's there. Don't let it break you down.

Hello, and welcome to the Phile. Did you hear they found a stingray suit in jeff Corwin's apartment? According to a new Pew poll people in the country of Jordan view Americans as rude. Well that’s not as bad as the rest of the Middle East that thinks we are Satan! Pakistan is promising not to arrest Osama bin Laden as long as he promises to live a peaceful life. A peaceful life. And you thought L.A. was a safe place for murderers to live. Over in England Prime Minister Tony Blair has decided he will step down in May. Looks like President Bush has toppled another foreign government. Two hundred miles off the coast of New Orleans the largest oil reserve is believed to have been discovered. It could increase our reserves by 50 percent and be worth over $15 billion. This reserve could cut the price of gas by a penny! Have you seen this kid from Orange County that became a terrorist? You can tell he’s from Orange County because instead of infidel he says, "infi-dudes”. Earlier this week a man passed away while on Amtrak. No one noticed the man was dead until after the 23 hour train ride was over. People realized he was dead when they discovered he smelled better than anyone else on Amtrak. A new article in "Newsweek” is out talking about what it’s like to be an atheist. I actually have a friend that’s an atheist, and married to a Jehovah Witness. Their kids are a little strange. They go out and knock on doors but don’t know why. How about Andre Agasi? He played his heart out this weekend at the U.S. Open. His final match and he’s retired now. He’s retiring because his back is going out. It’s the same reason why Paris Hilton no longer makes videos. Did everybody have a nice Labor Day? President Bush encouraged all Americans to plant a tree, until Press Secretary Tony Snow said, "Mr. President, that's Arbor Day." Katie Couric made her debut hosting the CBS 'Evening News' earlier this week. This is a historic fact -- not a female anchor -- someone under the age of 70 doing the news on CBS. At the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards last week, former Vice President Al Gore lectured the audience about global warming. The Rock 'n' Roll audience cheered, gave him a standing ovation, and then they got in their stretch limos, went to the airport, got in their private jets, and flew home to Malibu. And finally, Hillary Clinton said today that she hopes American is ready for a woman in the Oval Office. See, that was the great thing about her husband, Bill. He was always ready for a woman in the Oval Office.

WHEN YOU'RE A CELEBRITY, ADIOS REALITY

Well, Sunday’s episode of Big Brother would go down in history as the most depressing ever, if it weren’t for the final moments. It will, however, be forever known as the most nauseating episode ever. That’s because there were long, extended sequences about the two in-house romances/showmances, including a montage of Mike Boogie and Erika make out. While that sight alone is enough to make one’s digestive tract contract so forcefully that food from days ago makes a reappearance. But that wasn’t the most horrifying part. The worst part was watching two reasonably intelligent women be manipulated by two shameless men. Boogie is by far the worst; as I mentioned before, anyone who dates him (or Howie) in real life must be pretty damn desperate. “I think it’d be cute to have us the final two. The two lovebirds,” Erika said, nearly wetting her pants with excitement. Of course, we were then treated to Mike straightforwardly telling us that “Erika is under the impression that if we can get to the final three that I will take her to the finals. That ain’t happenin’.” Tragically, we still had to watch them make out all over the house, including one night vision scene that almost seemed like they were having sex, especially when Erika asked, “Think they show this on television?” Boogie replied, “What happens under the covers stays under the covers.” Seriously, I have never come so close to barfing, and that was even before the baby talk. “I want to have a baby with Mike. We’re going to have a baby,” Erika cooed through that odd mouth of hers. Mike and Will said the baby would be named “Chillium,” and Will asked if he could deliver it. Erika has totally fallen into the grips of this ludicrous fantasy — Does she not remember Krista? Does she not have any care at all that MIKE “BOOGIE” MALIN WOULD BE THE FATHER OF HER CHILD?!Anyway, Erika insisted to us “that there will definitely be something between the two of us when we leave.” Then Mike informed us, from the safety of the diary room, “Erika is going to be extremely hurt after the show. I’m a bad, bad person. I’m going to hell.” If there’s any justice in the world, yes. Janelle wasn’t quite as bad as Erika, but it’s pathetic to watch how enamored by Will she is. “Of course I like you,” she told him, and then later, after he let his facade crack a little bit in the hot tub, she stormed off, apparently actually upset at him. Her infatuation really seems to have affected her game.Or has it? At the very end of the episode, she told us, “I’ve got to put a stop to this madness that Chill Town’s created. No matter what they tell me, my judgment tells me that, logically, they win the veto, I’m gone.” Finally! If they fail and Janelle wins the veto yet again, she’d be smart to kick Will out right then, just like he did to Boogie in season two. She’d be our hero again. But I’d bet a quarter that, even if she does win the veto, she’ll go after Erika, instead of, say, allying with her and taking her to the final two. I’ve complained non-stop about this season of Big Brother 7, and for good reasons, but all of the boredom and disappointment was, I realized last night, totally worth it. Because tonight, we ahd our first truly exciting and suspenseful moments for the first time this entire season, and they came right before Janelle evicted Will from the house. Yes she did! To her credit, Janelle finally recognized what an idiot she’s been, letting Chill Town manipulate her. “I really feel like this summer I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the house, and after tonight, I’m done making mistakes,” Janelle said, before casting the lone eviction vote. “For Marcellas and Howie, I vote to evict you, Will.” And the world momentarily stopped spinning. My exultation about Janelle’s decision will keep me giddy for weeks, but seeing the look of utter horror and disbelief on Mike “Boogie” Malin’s face after Will left was like a check for a million dollars hidden under the frosting of the cake. Surprisingly, Erika deserves a lot of credit for helping to bring Janelle back on track. Just two days ago, she was pondering squeezing out Mike’s baby, but then she came to her senses and gave one of the most profoundly obvious yet completely necessary speeches ever in the house. She did this in the back yard, with the two guys just yards away, whispering to Janelle, “I’m over it. I’m over these two boys. They’ve lied to everybody on the way out this door. Why let them get to the final two? They think that you and I are a joke. Like they’ve manipulated us. I’m just being honest with you. I mean, they’ve already pitted us against each other, let’s not let that — why should we continue to let them do it? He’ll tell you how beautiful you are, how smart you are, how funny you are, but he cannot guarantee you he’ll take you to the final two. I can look you in your eye and say I will take you to the final two and I will kick them out.” The women went inside together, and Will knew his fate. “Okay, Boogie I’m going home. She’s opening the wine, no eye contact, and Janelle was the one who said, ‘Let’s go inside.’ I have no control, dude.” That’s when his friend spoke one of the most shocking but not really surprising lines this season. “This is our show, and these bitches think they’re going to try to steal it from us,” Mike “Boogie” Malin said. With just a few modifications, that line could work as a new slogan for all of his Dolce Group restaurants, one that would undoubtedly help them attract new patrons who enjoy giving their money to people like Mike. (Tangentially, the official Dolce Group web site says “Mike Malin is best known for his role as “Boogie” on the CBS reality television show.” Nice how they try to separate his asshole persona in the house from the real person by pretending it’s just him acting like an asshole. If that’s the case, give the man an Emmy.)Now all that’s left is for Erika and Janelle to hold each other to their bargain to take each other to the final two, and for Janelle to win. First, though, one of them needs to win the final HOH, and Erika has won part one. Yet again, a live show crumbled on-screen, which would have been amusing had it not been so dull. The producers constructed a giant volcano in the back yard, one that was probably going to erupt and spew crap all over the houseguests, who were clinging to its sides. But that never happened, because the competition ended approximately 10 seconds after it started. First, Mike Boogie, who was still seething from Will’s eviction, said, “Hey, Julie. Remember Richard Hatch? They both have to take me to the finals.” Then he jumped off, eliminating himself from the competition. It was an interesting move, strategically, but instead of just walking away and letting his words sink in, he quickly exposed his insecurity. “You can’t take each other. You have to take me. You won’t make that big a mistake. You won’t,” he insisted. “You did the smartest play ever tonight Janelle; you can’t make that mistake, you can’t take her.” Interestingly, the moment Boogie jumped off, Erika won, because Janelle momentarily let go of the key she was holding with one hand. Janelle definitely let go, and to the producers’ and Julie Chen’s credit, it only took them one whole commercial break to notice what every viewer noticed at home the second it happened. The rules were somewhat unclear, however, although basically that’s true of every half-assed game on this show. As usual, Julie Chen awkwardly tried to explain what the rules were. She said, If you let go of your key, or your feet touch the mat below, you will be eliminated.” Clear enough. Erika then asked, “Both hands have to be on?” And Julie said, “For now, yes.” What the hell does that mean? For now? The first few moments until the competition starts? Until some other point in the competition when they’re allowed to let go with one hand, something that would make little to no sense? Still, Janelle did let go, and she’s benefited in the past from the producers’ stupidity. Janelle now has to defeat Boogie in HOH competition number two; the winner of that competition faces Erika in the final HOH game, which I predict now the producers will find some way to fuck up. The winner of that final competition selects which person they want to evict, and thus who they want to take to the final two. That happens Thursday, and our (abbreviated) three months of time-wasting comes to an end on Tuesday. If Janelle walks away with the $500,000, it may have all been worth it.

SHARPENING AXES

Twenty things you didn't know about death. 1 The practice of burying the dead may date back 350,000 years, as evidenced by a 45-foot-deep pit in Atapuerca, Spain, filled with the fossils of 27 hominids of the species Homo heidelbergensis, a possible ancestor of Neanderthals and modern humans. 2 Never say die: There are at least 200 euphemisms for death, including "to be in Abraham's bosom," "just add maggots," and "sleep with the Tribbles" (a Star Trek favorite). 3 No American has died of old age since 1951. 4 That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates. 5 The trigger of death, in all cases, is lack of oxygen. Its decline may prompt muscle spasms, or the "agonal phase," from the Greek word agon, or contest. 6 Within three days of death, the enzymes that once digested your dinner begin to eat you. Ruptured cells become food for living bacteria in the gut, which release enough noxious gas to bloat the body and force the eyes to bulge outward. 7 So much for recycling: Burials in America deposit 827,060 gallons of embalming fluid—formaldehyde, methanol, and ethanol—into the soil each year. Cremation pumps dioxins, hydrochloric acid, sulfur dioxide, and carbon dioxide into the air. 8 Alternatively . . . A Swedish company, Promessa, will freeze-dry your body in liquid nitrogen, pulverize it with high-frequency vibrations, and seal the resulting powder in a cornstarch coffin. They claim this "ecological burial" will decompose in 6 to 12 months. 9 Zoroastrians in India leave out the bodies of the dead to be consumed by vultures. 10 The vultures are now dying off after eating cattle carcasses dosed with diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory used to relieve fever in livestock. 11 Queen Victoria insisted on being buried with the bathrobe of her long-dead husband, Prince Albert, and a plaster cast of his hand. 12 If this doesn't work, we're trying in vitro! In Madagascar, families dig up the bones of dead relatives and parade them around the village in a ceremony called famadihana. The remains are then wrapped in a new shroud and reburied. The old shroud is given to a newly married, childless couple to cover the connubial bed. 13 During a railway expansion in Egypt in the 19th century, construction companies unearthed so many mummies that they used them as fuel for locomotives. 14Well, yeah, there's a slight chance this could backfire: English philosopher Francis Bacon, a founder of the scientific method, died in 1626 of pneumonia after stuffing a chicken with snow to see if cold would preserve it. 15 For organs to form during embryonic development, some cells must commit suicide. Without such programmed cell death, we would all be born with webbed feet, like ducks. 16 Waiting to exhale: In 1907 a Massachusetts doctor conducted an experiment with a specially designed deathbed and reported that the human body lost 21 grams upon dying. This has been widely held as fact ever since. It's not. 17 Buried alive: In 19th-century Europe there was so much anecdotal evidence that living people were mistakenly declared dead that cadavers were laid out in "hospitals for the dead" while attendants awaited signs of putrefaction. 18 Eighty percent of people in the United States die in a hospital. 19 If you can't make it here . . . More people commit suicide in New York City than are murdered. 20 It is estimated that 100 billion people have died since humans began.

TODAY IN HISTORY

1971: My sister Lucy was born. 1978: Keith Moon, drummer for The Who, dies in his London residence from an overdose of chlormethiazole edisylate, a prescription drug used to treat alcoholism. Moon's flat, #12 Curzon Place, was the same spot where Mama Cass died of a heart attack in 1974. 1978: Walking to the bus stop, BBC journalist Georgi Markov suddenly feels a sharp pain in his right calf. A KGB assassin had jabbed him with an umbrella tip, rigged to inject a tiny platinum sphere. The pellet is laden with ricin, a castor-based toxin with no known antidote. Markov dies in the hospital four agonizing days later. 1996: Standing up through the open sunroof of a BMW 750 sedan, rap artist Tupac Shakur is talking to some women at a Las Vegas street intersection when a white Cadillac pulls alongside. Gunfire erupts, and Shakur is shot four times. He dies in the hospital a week later.

THE POLITICALLY INCORRECT ALPHABET

N is for nun: A modern alphabet should be inclusive, and as far as I know, nuns are pretty much confined to the Church of Rome. They make a nice picture too - there was a 70'sartist who populated all his paintings with nuns, because it saved having to draw legs. It was that or penguins. O is for: Old, OAP, old codger, oldster, old-timer, old fogey: they all begin with 'O' so it makes no difference really. P is for: pouffe. Pouffe, just like fairy, has acquired a second derogatory meaning which would disqualify it from modern alphabet charts. Arthur Ransome's 'Swallows and Amazons' series of childrens' stories had as one of its main characters a girl called Titty. For a 1963 TV adaptation she was renamed Kitty. What now shall we call cylindrical patchwork leather bum rests with a tassel? Q is for Queen. Still popular even now, a queen all regal with us her dutiful subjects. Next week: R, S, T and U.

BIZARRE X-RAYS

Elsie, a 6-month-old Saint Bernard, swallowed a 13-inch serrated knife in September 2005. After an operation, the pup had an 8-inch scar but was otherwise fine.

R.I.P.

Steve Irwin pulled a poisonous stingray barb from his chest in his dying moments, his longtime manager said Tuesday, after watching videotape of the attack that killed the popular "Crocodile Hunter." Irwin's body was returned home to Beerwah, a hamlet in southeastern Queensland on the fringe of the Outback where he lived with his wife and two young children. Irwin turned a modest reptile park opened by his parents into Australia Zoo, a wildlife reserve that has become an international tourist attraction. Hundreds placed bouquets and handwritten notes at an ad hoc shrine to the popular 44-year-old naturalist outside the park, and other tributes flowed in from Canberra to Hollywood. The dramatic details of Irwin's death Monday as he was shooting a program on the Great Barrier Reef were disclosed by John Stainton, his manager and close friend. He said he had viewed the videotape showing the TV star pulling the poisonous stingray barb from his chest. The tape was not released to the public. Queensland state police tookpossession of a copy for a coroner's investigation. Stainton estimated Irwin's distance from the stingray when the attack happened at about three feet.

The Hobbit: There's a slim chance that New Line might possibly have tentative plans to maybe make the Lord of the Rings prequel next year. At least according to some Ringer snooping around a suit's office.

Idiocracy: Like a mobster dumping a corpse in a river, the studio dumped Mike Judge's satire in a few undisclosed theaters. No poster, no trailer, no publicity. Will somebody explain to me why they sabotaged this Luke Wilson movie and not My Super Ex-Girlfriend?

The A-Team: The producer wants Bruce Willis as Hannibal and says that a certain mohawked A-Teamer won't be uttering his signature line. Excuse me, but how can B.A. Baracus not pity the fool?

Well, that's about it. Don't forget to check out my webshots page I hope you saved under my favorites. I will leave you with a random photo. Remember, spread the word and not the turd, folks.