Saturday, March 28, 2015

Last Thursday we got to see our little one together for the first time. At 7 weeks honestly besides a flickering heartbeat {which was enough to blow me away} there wasn't much to to see. The nerves were real leading up to our appointment, but the second we saw that perfect little profile on the screen, the ultrasound became a sacred time of getting to know our child just a tiny bit more. I awkwardly craned my neck to get the best possible view of the back and white images rolling across the screen. Glancing over at Weston every couple of minutes I could sense the awe in his eyes. We saw squirmy arms & legs, intricately perfect fingers and toes, spine and skull. What a miracle that just months ago this same creation was just beginning to grow?!

As the anatomy scan came to a close the ultrasound tech said "I'm guessing you want to know the gender?" We both eagerly replied "Yes!" and instead of announcing the news she said "Well I haven't seen anything this whole time". Great.

Over the next hour our magical experience turned tense and stressful as I was flipped side to side on the bed, sent to the bathroom, practically stood on my head to try to get this little one to cooperate. The baby was breech with thighs clenched and legs crossed making it difficult to get the view they needed. The ultrasound tech finally brought in a coworker to give it a try, and after another 10 minutes of tricks and position changes we all congregated in the small room with one picture on the screen. I had no idea what we were looking at.

"Do you know what that is?"

"No.." By this time I was sweaty and frustrated and just wanted them to tell us.

"Did you say anything to them yet?" a lovely conversation started between the techs as if we weren't in the room. "No, I haven't said anything yet, should I tell them?"

*Hello? Yes! Please tell us!* I was thinking.

"It's the three lines, it's a girl!"

"Are you sure? Can we tell people? There's no way it can be a boy?" The whole process of getting to this point didn't necessarily make me feel confident about the gender reveal we had planned for our families the next night.

"We're sure! Well that's all. You're done." And that was that. We had outstayed our welcome and their office hours. Weston and I walked out of the building dazed after an hour and a half in a little dark room, confused about what had just happened, and just downright grumpy. I hate to admit it, but that's the "keeping it real" truth. We were thrilled with the thought of a healthy baby girl, but our expectations of how we would come to that knowledge were nowhere near met. We left doubting how confident they were and second guessing if we could even have a gender reveal.

The rest of the evening went something like this. Trying to laugh it off which quickly became tears on the way home. Getting home to look at the ultrasound pictures only to find they had given us a blank CD. Lots more tears. Deciding the party was off. Talking to my sister on the phone which gave me a ray of clarity and a few less tears. Calling the hospital to request another CD. Getting confirmation that the doctors agreed with the gender based on the photos. Relief. Deciding the party was happening after all. Happiness. Pinterest binge of all things baby girl.

I blame the hormones.

Looking back now I feel selfish and silly for getting so emotional over unmet expectations, when the bottom line was we had a perfectly healthy baby girl that we got the chance to see.

The next night we had family over, my very talented friend made us the cutest cake that we used to reveal the gender. It was the perfect way to celebrate and dwell on the blessing that is about to enter our lives. But I guess that's the beauty of life. Ups and downs and a series of expectations that are either met or not, and learning over and over again that expectations are a dangerous thing that can put a damper on perfectly precious moments. I have a tendency of falling into that rut. Then there's my husband who is a go-with-the-flow trooper. Through it all, he is so supportive and encouraging. Sure enough I come to the realization over and over again that the way things happen are beautiful in their own way and better than any "should have beens".

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Halfway. How did we get here so fast? This was a big week of milestones and I'm feeling little kicks and flutters more often and obvious. Every day I feel like I have a new sense of what is happening in my body and every day I feel a stronger connection to the little human in there. It was a struggle for me at first, and I found myself feeling guilty for "forgetting" I was pregnant at times, but that is why pregnancy lasts 9 months my friends. These things take time. Speaking of things taking time we finally had our 20 week ultrasound today. Baby was healthy and active but very stubborn when it came to revealing its gender. After an hour and a half appointment we finally left with a verdict. Tomorrow is our gender reveal so my lips are sealed until then!