Thursday, May 9, 2013

Spoilt for Choice: So Many Bikes

Actually, I have to catch a train to the aforeskin-mentioned metropopolis in about nine minutes, and you'd better believe I'm typing with one hand, packing with the other, and folding up my clown bike with my feet.

I used to have a helper monkey named Vito who used to perform those sorts of mundane tasks for me (I mean writing this blog, there's no way I'd let a monkey touch my bike), but he died.

I realize it's sad but don't shed a tear for him. Vito lived by the credo "Live Fast, Dayenu."

He also got a shit-ton of "red:"

For most people a red light means stop, but for Vito it meant drop your pants and go, go, go.

I was unable to find a photo of Don Rickles actually riding a recumbent, which is a shame, because I now want to see a photo of Don Rickles riding a recumbent more than anything else in the world. Pending that, however, this will have to suffice:

In other news via Twitter, this Twitterer alerted me to this tweet from the Brooklyn Academy of Music:

As you may recall, the current David Byrne bike racks in front of BAM say "micro lip," and here's my Scattante locked up to it:

"Micro lip," of course, is a tragic affliction of the labia, and David Byrne has been one of the foremost advocates in raising public awareness of both "micro lip" and the fact that he doesn't own a car. That's why winning the BAM "What should David Byrne's next useless bike rack say?" contest is going to be laughably easy:

David Byrne's flatulent brain farts brilliance and whimsy. That's why you shouldn't complain that it takes you half an hour to figure out how to lock your bike to his racks. Instead, consider that half hour a gift and an opportunity to bask in his genius.

This is sort of like David Byrne suddenly becoming annoyed that too many people are cycling instead of driving. Here's his reasoning:

But then again, I also cherish a sublimely smooth and refined ride, the float of higher-volume tires and the confidence of fat contact patches, gear ratios that are designed for real people, and brakes that are more than two blocks of rubber clamped on a surface whose primary function isn't friction. Race bikes are brilliant adaptations for the task at hand but they're also functionally compromised when used even slightly outside their comfort zone.

Wait, what? So who the hell has been writing all those fawning race bike reviews all this time? Also, has he been in a bike shop in the last three years? I'd argue that there are almost too many conspicuously versatile road-ish bikes now, and that yesterday's hybrid has become today's gravel grinder/cyclocross/light tourer/"all road"/whatever other terms they use--not to mention the bewildering array of gearing available. There are like 90 crank BCDs and 14 derailleur lengths now! And disc brakes are spouting everywhere, like big squealing mushrooms. In fact, I'd say this huge selection has gone past versatility and it's now just making us stupid and lazy. If I was a real writer I'd pitch some bike magazine an article wherein I only ride one (1) bicycle for an entire year, no wheel swaps or tire changes or anything else. If something wears out it has to be replaced with exactly the same thing. Of course, I realize that plenty of normal people already do this, but I'm a semi-professional blogger with a fuckload of bikes, which means I'm exactly the sort of asshole who deliberates over what to ride today in the same way an investment banker stares at his motorized tie rack for 20 minutes while his manservant burnishes his corns before finally settling on some neckwear.

Have you rationalized building a new pair of wheels for that pair of tires you use like twice a year? I have.

Also, if I really had any "pants yabbies," I'd ride only this bike for an entire year:

Leadville here I come!

In the meantime, Philadelphia here I come, and I hope to see you there.

Hey, Snob! I see in the Thursday Style section under Beauty Spots there is an article about the indoor-cycling boutique scene.Some place in TriBeCa is offering spin classes in a pool.Isn't that like riding in the rain?What's going on in your town?

"in the same way an investment banker stares at his motorized tie rack for 20 minutes"

I used to be an investment banker. I assure you that most bankers don't have that much fashion sense and they don't have that much free time.

They simply buy a couple dozen Ferragamo ties and pick out the one that is in front. Ferragamo is the obvious choice since they look expensive, and since they all look the same, with little crossed golf clubs or polo mallets, in a design that is calculated to offend absolutely nobody's sensibilities.

Part of the reason I am not an investment banker anymore is that I actually dared to wear ties that are unique and reflective of my personality.

I would like to take a moment to publically thank RCT for his criticaaly acclaimed bike review on his Motobecane Soft-tail that prompted me to begin my quest to build my very own "Hey I am almost 40 and gettin' to old for this shit" ride and after a smallish trail shakedown am just short of amazed. I will gladly trade some Raw Climbing Prowess to be able to laugh in the face of cantaloupe sized logs.

Now if I can just meet this Reba dame my buddies keep goin on about. They say she is plush but firm and can really take a pounding but she is also very forgiving. My kind of lady.

I have one bike: the Kludgemaster 8000. It's too small, so the saddle's slammed all the way back on the rails, and the stem has been extended vertically AND horizontally and has the goofiest goddamn tiller effect you ever did done seen. The steel frames I hand-cut and hand-brazed to fit my measurements and desired geometry sit rusting, awaiting such time as I give enough of a shit to clean them up, get them powder-coated, buy a shitload of parts and build them out. What's for dinner?

I used to fool around with a Cougar that had actual wings on each side. She called them her Flower Pedals. She would keep them laid back by hand until you were fully inserted then let them gently envelop your member. She always used one hand per lip which made doggystyle funny cause her face would be buried in the pillow.

Neckties are useful for:1. Signaling your elevated status as a white-collar slave.2. Hanging yourself on a nail in the garden shed as the SEC goons are closing in.3. Occasionally thinning the herd, as when you get on your high-end Scattante to ride the ten blocks to your work in Manhattan, and you lean way down to improve your aerodynamics and catch the tie in the chainwheel.

I will cheerfully park my bicicleta at BAM when they spell SCRANUS with David Byrne's Tinker Toy contraption.

Babble, in reference to your 4,673 Steps blog entry...why, oh why must you torture us with an ALMOST VISIBLE BABBLE-NIPPLE PHOTO???? Later on, I will check it again to insure that I am tortured some more.

Frilly, sooner or later Cipo will appear on Processo Alla Tappa, which comes on after every Giro stage, and when he does I'll alert you and post a replay link if available. He often favors the unshaven-with-dress-shirt-no-tie-with-blue-jeans-and-petrochemical-hair-products-look.

Snob, bring us all back some real Philly Cream Cheese, we're getting hungry.

thank you for the glass and trash left in the bike lane from that car accident two days ago

thank you for distracting me just long enough for me to ride into that glass and flat

thank you for convincing me that "why would i ever need a Schrader compatible pump even though I sometimes ride an antique raleigh fop chariot so I can "fop out with my cock out"?"

thank you for the rain that started the moment i had the wheel off

thank you for standing me by the side of the road asking other cyclists if they had a pump only to be told 15 times they didn't and having me internally fume "what the fuck is wrong with these people that they don;t carry a pump" only to realize that carrying a pump inconsistent with the tires one has is just as ass-tarded - no, MORE

thanks for the 16th guy who had a pump that actually works with both types of valves (what a fucking concept!)

thanks for the street-side "school of hard knocks" in Sturmey Archer shifting required to get the fucking thing moving again

I'm an investment banker and I rarely have to wear a tie, business casual which has been the case for about the past 15 years. You need to update your references wildcat. When I do wear an tie it's Hermes, Ferragamo is a little passe.

Sometimes, on a given commute, I get the unshakeable feeling that an invisible, toxic cloud of some sort of mildly debilitating nerve gas was just sprayed over all the other drivers and cyclists out there, just before I came outside.

The entire ride seems fraught with danger and close calls, and is usually punctuated with the mooning derp face of a salmon just missing me on a blind corner.

Oh help. Why do I always die on the big hills? I'll trade you, McFly, though I only laugh in the face of those logs right before I wipe out.

Sucks about your flat Daddy-O. That's sod's law for you- the contrary nature of life. It's always the palm to forehead did a bonehead moments that hurt the most. If you listen carefully at moments like that you might just hear laughter on the wind.

I did toy with putting nipple shots in that post, but as I am currently unemployed and the internet is a small town, I decided on prudence. Yes, I realise that this is a mis-representation of my true nature, but all's fair in love, war and business, right?

I figured for sure if I just keep the revs between 60-90 per minute, climbing lots and lots of hills, that I would eventually figure out how to go fast even when I've lost that boost you get from momentum, but somehow the big hills always see me down in the granny gears, going slow. What am I doing wrong?

Is Fatty right? Is dropping pounds the best way to become faster once you're pretty fit, or is there a technique I'm missing? I do drop down one gear at a time and I try to keep the tempo up. I'm pretty strong so I should be able to keep up the pace, but there is something about a long steep slog that just...

I got a flat this evening, A while back I put a fat tip magic marker in the saddle bag...you mark the position of the cut before you take the tire off. It makes finding the cut on the tube a lot easier as long as you pull the tub and tire off at the same time. Worked like a charm. Nice ride, even with the flat. Cheers, folks.

Thanks babble on, I usually double/triple/quadruple check that a link works after posting it, mostly for the purpose of reveling in my own cleverness. I can't find the original again, but here is: The 2nd Most Interesting Dog in the World

BABBLE I've been riding since the Dead Sea parted and I still climb like s**t.

BABBLE Your "steps" post, the full length body shot photo with the people in the background, it would have been fun if you had photoshopped Cipo into the background with his tongue hanging out (I'm sure such a photo must exist someplace).

DB,Ran out of things to do at work and took a few days off to do useful things around the house (paint front porch, seal back porch) and go for a longish ride -- on which I saw a house with a fence made of bike frames. Going back today with a camera.

embrace toolth

Oh, and ECD: I have a frame pump that fits both Schrader and Presta and stopped to help a guy out one day and couldn't get the damn thing to work on his Schrader. Flipped the little rubber insert, moved the ring back and forth, looked like an idiot. Another cyclist came along and offered a pump while I kept fiddling. Proud day in cycledom.

Dear Mr Rock Machine,I have just arrived home from a trip to New York and I need to ask why you were avoiding me so assiduously. I arrived in NY and you went to Washington. You returned to NY while I was on my way to washington. Upon my return to NY, you left for Cleveland, only to return to NY while I was on my way to Philadelphia. Once I got back to NY, you left for Philadelphia.* What have I done to offend you?

*Details of trips may be inaccurate due to jet lag and consumption of gin

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!