Blue Ivy Carter to attend Barnard Toddler Center

Celebribaby’s “friend” North West waitlisted

by Publicity Chair Shaakya Vembar

Barnard’s psychology department has revealed that Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s daughter Blue Ivy will begin attending the Barnard Center for Toddler Development in the fall. The center is well-known for its ability to coax celebrities such as Sarah Jessica Parker and Jerry Seinfeld into leaving their children so close to hordes of Introduction to Psychology students feigning expertise on childhood development after studying Piaget for two lectures.

The center was opened to “provide a warm, positive first school experience for parents and children,” according to its website. While the children take part in play-based learning, they are also scrutinized by researchers lying in wait behind a one-way mirror, who use their every fall and nose-picking episode as fodder for producing studies that deal with topics such as how toddlers use play to “work through stressful and traumatic events.”

Representatives of the center tell us that having Blue around will enhance their studies: the scope of stressful childhood events can be widened to include the trials of appearing in a chart-topping music video and the hassles of touring the world, while Blue’s presence among other toddlers will better exemplify the common fact that as much as anyone tries to imitate her, she will be unique and irreplaceable.

Moreover, researchers are excitedly looking into the prospect of studying Blue in close proximity rather than from behind the mirror, given her lifetime of experience being among grown adults obsessing over and documenting each of her movements. When asked whether they were not in fact just the paparazzi masquerading as psychologists, the researchers dismissed the question as “silly” and “unnecessarily suspicious,” ultimately not delivering a clear answer. The Colombia Inspectador A-lie-ance (CIA) is looking into this.

In response to our queries about the center’s future, the representatives claim that through their equal girls-to-boys ratio policy, they’ve been preparing to research the development of social interaction between the two sexes. They hope this set-up will naturally evolve into a toddler dating service. Eventually they’d also like to implement the Adolescent Intimacy Initiative, in which researchers behind a one-way mirror observe and record how teenagers behave with romantic partners while unsupervised. However, the center is still unsure of what Blue’s role in these two studies will be if she decides to remain a single lady.