Monday, November 26, 2012

Sometimes I go by Mr. Steve when I'm a storyteller. Sometimes I go by Reverend Steve when I'm preaching the word of Ed Wood.

Either way, I'm Steve.

I'm 35 years old. I have three kids and a frustrated but sexy wife. I am now living in Oklahoma for reasons that have not yet manifested themselves. But it's nice and quiet and .. different. I like that.

I work in a bookstore that is a 55 minute drive away from my house. But I don't mind because it is the most AMAZING drive you've ever been in. Its fields and hills and forests and cows. It's roadkill and wild deer and long stretches of nothing that is so beautiful that I find myself thankful to be alive.

I am bipolar.

But it is NOT one of those angry crazy bipolar cases where I lose my temper and cops are called. It's a nice, quiet type of bipolar disorder that tries not to get in anyones way.

Sometimes I get deeply depressed. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I want to die.

Sometimes I cut myself. Long, nasty cuts on my hands and wrists and arms with boxcutters I find at work. I am trying to stop but the cutting makes me feel good, makes me feel alive.

I love my wife. She laughs at my jokes (usually) and treats me nice and her breasts are huuuge. Last night we stayed up dtinking and playing Beatles Rockband. It was awesome.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

It may have no wifi and no internet and no Netflix and no cable and no tv stations and no microwave and a serious bug problem, but it is OUR problem in OUR house and thank WOOD for that!

Yes! I am finally out of my in-law's house! I am finally out of a house where my violent, alcoholic brother-in-law sleeps on the floor in front of the tv until noon or one pm and then IMMEDIATELY starts drinking. A huuuuge alcoholic. No job. No life. A complete discrace to himself and his daughter. He needs help. He needs to get his life straightened up. But he is allowed to ruin his life and run the house and yell at everyone and drink and drive with NO reprocussions. None at all. He is never told off and when he is it doesn't take, he doesn't listen, he doesn't care and he continues being an a-hole... whereas I will have my ass literally handed to me if I put a cup on the wrong shelf or eat a bag of popcorn that I shouldn't have but wasn't told about. The real villain gets away scott free while the nice guy, me, constantlt gets yelled at and bitched at and just gets so much crap. It's unfair. It'd all just pointless bullshit and, thankfully, it is NO LONGER my problem!

Hells yes!

Anyway, you may have noticed that the pictures in my last post are all crooked and loopsy. That is because I am trying my darndest to be able to post on my blog from my phone but these apps can suck it and die. They either don't work or they post stuff wrong like the crooked pictures you see below. I am currently posting from a nook tablet at my in-law's place if you are wondering.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I am alone at my friend and sister-in-law Lauren's house. Maxwell is here with me but he's still knocked out in a extra long super nap. Halloween was a lot for him. I can hear his little baby snores. Cute as hell.

SO my wife and Lauren are out running some errands and getting food. Sonic. When we first moves here I was told that Sonic restaurants actually originated in Oklahoma, which is why there are ten bajillion Sonics here. I was told I would get sick of Sonic. But whoever said that didn't know that I could eat the same thing every day for a million years if its yummy. I love it. Sonic rocks.

Anyway ...

You see that huge rack? Amazing!

I rented Rock of Ages a few days ago.

My wife flat out REFUSES to watch it with me!

I mean, yes its a bad movie. Yes it's horrible. Yes every scene in this film is an embarrassment to watch. But it's my favorite bad movie and I love hating-slash-loving this amazingly awful movie.

Spinal Tap, the Break Like The Wind Tour, 1993 (Yes I know they are a FAKE band but they played Mesa Amphitheater and I was there front row, and it was an awesome 3hr set with an intermission - I bought official Spinal Tap ear plugs)

Primus, the Animals Should Not Try to Act Like People Tour, 2003 (They did a full two hour set, then an intermission, then they played the Sailing The Seas Of Cheese album in its entirety)

Favorite Movies: Plan 9 from Outer Space, Wet Hot American Summer, The Avengers, The Giant Claw (amazingly horrible), Scott Pilgrim VS The World, Ed Wood, Psycho (the original and none of that other crap, oh, and also, the big end speech from the Dr. isn't in it, because that's horrible), Glen Or Glenda, Monty Python And The Holy Grail, The Three Caballeros, This Is Spinal Tap, Manos: The Hands Of Fate, A.P.E., Rock of Ages (soooooooo bad!!!), Cabin in the Woods

Favorite Avengers: Luke Cage, Spider-Man, Squirrel Girl (Great Lakes). Also, I feel the need to mention that I currently have a level 23 Thing in the online game Marvel Super Heroes. Plus, he has a sidekick. It's Spider-Ham, the pig Spider-Man. He walks around with me cracking wise and shit. It's crrrrrrrrrazy cute!

Favorite Secretary of State: Albert B. Fall

Favorite Newscaster: Sacramento News 10's smug-faced Dale Schornack, whom I repeatedly list on Facebook as my wife but he keeps denying it. You can't run from the truth forever, Dale Schornack. You can't run forever.

Favorite People To Hate: Madonna, Collyne, L. Ron Hubbard, upper middle class and upper class white people, Debby, 80% of the population of the entire state of Oklahoma, Jenny McCarthy the child killer, Tom

Favorite Thing: Stuff

Favorite Strange Movie Fact: In the 1962 movie "King Kong VS Godzilla" there is a character, the head of a pharmaceutical company, who is named Taco. Taco. He is named Taco. He is an Asian man who is named Taco. WHY IS NO ONE FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS?!?! And there's also an Asian woman in the movie named Tammy. Now this is where I draw the line. I can believe that a giant ape and a giant radioactive lizard fight on the top of Mount Fuji, but I absolutely CANNOT BELIEVE that somewhere in Japan there is an Asian chick named Tammy. My suspension of disbelief does not go that far.

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Rrrrrreally Good Books I've Read Recently ...

"Dead Presidents" by Brady Carlson

"Lafayette in the Somewhat United States" by Sarah Vowell

“The Great Beanie Baby Bubble: Mass Delusion and the Dark Side of Cute” by Zac Bissonnette.

"Silver Screen Fiend" by Patton Oswalt

"The Great Zoo of China" by Matthew Reilly

"The Disaster Artist" by Tom Bissell (the inside story of the movie THE ROOM - a MUST READ for bad movie lovers!)

"Yes Please" by Amy Poehler

"The Museum of Hoaxes" by Alex Boese

"Kids Are Weird: And Other Observations" by Jeffrey Brown"

"The Know-It-All" by A.J. Jacobs

"Game (The Game Trilogy, Book 1)" by Anders de la Motte

"A Game of Life" by Jeffrey Brown

"The Big Rewind: A Memoir Brought to You by Pop Culture" By Nathan Rabin

"The De-Textbook" by Cracked.com (rrrrrrrrrrreally makes you look at your entire existance differently)

"Cruise Confidential" by Brian David Burns

"You Don't Know Me but You Don't Like Me: Phish, Insane Clown Posse, and My Misadventures with Two of Music's Most Maligned Tribes" By Nathan Rabin (this man can do no wrong-excellent read!!!)

"Star Wars: Jedi Academy" by Jeffrey Brown

"The Leftovers" By Tom Perrotta (... I just wish the ending gave more answers, you know?)

"To Hellholes and Back" by Chuck Thompson

"The Stench of Honolulu" by Jack Handey (every paragraph is hilarious! )

"How To Live Safely In A Science Fictional Universe" by Charles Yu

"I Wear the Black Hat: Grappling with Villains (Real and Imagined)" By Chuck Klosterman (this book is the closest that Chuck Klosterman has gotten to writing a book as good as his first few books - damn good stuff!)

"Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life" by Dennis Reynolds

"Joyland" by Stephen King

"Old Man's War" by John Scalzi

"Redshirts" by John Scalzi

"NOS4A2" by Joe Hill (WOW!!!!!!!!)

"Jam" by Yahtzee Croshaw

"Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief" by Lawrence Wright (it is an absolute crime that a dangerous cult like Scientology is allowed to continue)

"The Long Earth" by Terry Pratchett and Stephen Baxter

"America, You Sexy Bitch" by Michael Ian Black and Meghan McCain

"Amped" by Daniel H. Wilson (author of ROBOPOCALYSPE - this man can do no wrong!)

"Thank You For Smoking" by Christopher Buckley

"Here We Go Again" by Betty White

"Drop Dead Healthy" by A.J. Jacobs

"Top of the Rock: Inside The Rise and Fall Of Must See TV" by Warren Littlefield

"You're Not Doing It Right: Tales of Marriage, Sex, Death, and Other Humiliations " by Michael Ian Black

"The Incredible Change-Bots" and "The Incredible Change-Bots Two" by Jeffrey Brown

"Girl Walks Into A Bar ..." by Rachael Dratch

"Avengers Assemble: The Oral History of the Earth's Mightiest Heroes" by Brian Michael Bendis

"Emperor Mollusk VERSUS The Sinister Brain" by A. Lee Martinez

"Machine of Death: A Collection of Stories About People Who Know How They Will Die" edited by Ryan North

"A Year At The Movies" by Kevin Murphy

"Divine Misfortune" by A. Lee Martinez

"All Your Base Are Belong to Us: How Fifty Years of Videogames Conquered Pop Culture" by Harold Goldberg

"The Postmortal" by Drew Magary

"Size Matters Not" by Warrwick Davis

"The Last Testament" by God

"God If You're Not There I'm F*cked" by Darrel Hammond

"Damned" by Chuck Palahniuk

"Carrie" by Stephen King

"Unseen Academicals" by Terry Pratchett

"Snuff" by Terry Pratchett

"Ready Player One" by Ernest Cline (I don't know when the last time was that I had this much fun reading a single book - utterly amazing!)

"Shock Value: How a Few Eccentric Outsiders Gave Us Nightmares, Conquered Hollywood, and Invented Modern Horror" by Jason Zinoman