I can’t really account for why she’s come back, but surprisingly enough, she has. After a year and a half, and what seems like a million “nudges,” N. finally responded at the end of last week. I half-heartedly sent a PM of “hi there” on her FB page, knowing she wouldn’t respond, and then there she was. As if she’d never been gone. No explanations for the absence, or the reappearance (I wouldn’t ask for any), she’s just back. With that one “hi there,” we now have emailed several times, spoken over the phone with both the Woob and I, and are looking at our calendars for a visit each way.

All this makes me really, really happy. Really glad for my boy, and even for myself, as I had gotten to feeling like we were friends before. Maybe we are, but how would I know if we weren’t?

At the same time all of this makes me really, really nervous for us all, too. I’m afraid of fun and visits and familiarity being taken back again. Eighteen months from this side of it seems simply too long; the questions get too big, the silences are so loud. Ah, the risk of heartbreak…its a tough one.

I have heard other adoptive parents say they avoided openness, afraid that it would end and they’d be left holding their child’s heart in their hands. I’ve heard from first parents who’ve indicated the openness would be too hard, too painful to keep opening the wound and having to try to reheal after every contact. I don’t know that there’s any painless way to do adoption for anyone. I know I figure least in the whole equation by far. By its nature its just hard (understatement, I know) dealing with questions and separation and loss. But I do believe that this is worth the risk in the long run. Even if we don’t ever meet again, I think it has been worth it for Woob to know where he comes from, that they are “out there,” and that they love/d him. Right now it seems like we’re on the right track again to good things and I’m going to do whatever I can to keep that going for as long as I can. N. gets the task of taking responsibility for her own feelings and what she can and can’t do; what is or isn’t good for her, and while she’s letting us in, I’m going in. If she needs to back out again, she can (I just hope she warns us a bit first).

I believe its the right thing for us to pursue these relationships because Woob himself tells me in different ways all the time that his first family is on his mind. Here’s an example…hubby had a Montgomery Gentry cd in the car, and Woob kept wanting the song “something to be proud of” to be played each day on the way to school. I was getting pretty tired of that song! If you’re not familiar with it, here are the lyrics:

There’s a story that my daddy tells religiously

Like clockwork every time he sees an opening

In a conversation about the way things used to be

Well I’d just roll my eyes and make a bee-line for the door

But I’d always wind up starry-eyed, cross-legged on the floor

Hanging on to every word

Man, the things I heard

It was harder times and longer days

Five miles to school, uphill both ways

We were cane switch raised, and dirt floor poor

‘Course that was back before the war

Yeah, your uncle and I made quite a pair

Flying F-15’s through hostile air

He went down but they missed me by a hair

He’d always stop right there and say…

That’s something to be proud of

That’s a life you can hang your hat on

That’s a chin held high as the tears fall down

A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out

Like a small town flag a-flyin’

Or a newborn baby cryin’

In the arms of the woman that you love

That’s something to be proud of

Son graduatin’ college, that was mama’s dream

But I was on my way to anywhere else when I turned 18

Cuz when you gotta fast car you think you’ve got everything

I learned quick those GTO’s don’t run on faith

I ended up broken down in some town north of L.A.

Working maximum hours for minimum wage

Well, I fell in love, next thing I know

The babies came, the car got sold

I sure do miss that old hot rod

But you sure save gas in them foreign jobs

Dad, I wonder if I ever let you down

If you’re ashamed how I turned out

Well, he lowered his voice, then he raised his brow

Said, lemme tell ya right now

That’s something to be proud of

That’s a life you can hang your hat on

You don’t need to make a million

Just be thankful to be workin’

If you’re doing what you’re able

And putting food there on the table

And providing for the family that you love

That’s something to be proud of

And if all you ever really do is the best you can

Well, you did it man

That’s something to be proud of

That’s a life you can hang your hat on

That’s a chin held high as the tears fall down

A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out

Like a small town flag a-flyin’

Or a newborn baby cryin’

In the arms of the woman that you love

That’s something to be proud of

That’s something to be proud of

Yeah, that’s something to be proud of

That’s something to be proud of

Now that’s something to be proud of

So I asked when one day, when I couldn’t listen another time, “what is it that you like so much about this song?” He answered, “When he talks about the newborn baby crying, it makes me remember my mom.” And there it is. His ears are always listening, his eyes are always looking for her in different ways that there’s no way I can always tune into. Its important to him. So its important to me.

Over the years, I’ve made friends here online in the blog world, many of those friends have moved over to FB, and our conversations rarely revolve around adoption. In the “real” world, I have very few people around me everyday who understand my views on adoption. Heck, most people I have contact with, now that Woob is older and in school, don’t even know we adopted him.

A while back, I was in Woob’s first grade classroom, and one of his friends, a little girl whom I know was adopted from China, came up to me and stated, “Woob is adopted, isn’t he?” “Why, yes he is…did he tell you about that?” “No, I heard him talking to the teacher about it.” “Well, maybe you should ask him about it sometime.” I offered that thinking that maybe they could be a connection for one another…at least to have one other person who understood a little bit. A few days later, we were in the car where all great conversations happen. Woob piped up with, “I don’t like talking about adoption with my classmates. Sometimes they ask me questions but it makes me feel weird.” I told him some ways he could answer the questions without giving any information he didn’t want to give. I followed up by asking if there was anyone else in his class he know of that had been adopted. “Nope.” Interesting. So, he hasn’t made the connection yet.

Then move to earlier this week, working in the concession stand for the school’s baseball team. Another mom came to help. She is the mom of a little boy who is in Woob’s class and they have been great buddies from the very beginning in Kindergarten. This mom said, “I’ve been wanting to talk to you and ask your opinion on something. We’ve never kept “S’s” adoption a secret from him, but its not something we really talk about a whole lot either…” I said “STOP. I had no idea you adopted S!” and she continued a minute. I responded something about, “well, when we adopted Woob…” and she said “STOP! I had no idea you adopted Woob!” Geez, its like the whole “who’s on first” routine! She was just approaching me as a social worker, apparently. So here we are, friends who now have another connection to our friendship. And our boys have the potential to have another connection within theirs. Neither of us have heard either of the boys mention this about the other, and we wonder if they even know. Neither of us want to “out” our kids to each other if indeed they don’t want to tell anyone, but both of us wish they had someone there to “get it.”

I know its a long, rambly story, but at that moment, talking to my this mom friend, I felt something I hadn’t felt in such a long time…a real connection with someone who understood a part of who I was, about what our family thinks about. It was good. I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes.

NOTE: I wrote this post before I realized the Open Adoption Roundtable #47 was about stalled adoption relationships. And boy, is ours stalled! This is the first post I’ve written in eons. I have to tell you, it felt good to write it, despite the fact that its such a sad thing for my family. Maybe its time to step back in to blogworld…

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Christmas, 2011: Mama2Roo and Woob visit Mama N. and the girls at their house. We exchange small gifts, catch up, laugh, wonder over the kids and how fast they’re growing. We eat pizza at the nearby Pizza Hut, and go back to the house to get the little girls down for a nap. No one naps. Instead we have a Nerf Gun war. M2R and Woob leave tired and happy, as all exchange hugs, kisses and promises to get together again very soon. M2R receives text message a few hours later from Mama N. making sure of a safe return home.

Last night (May 9, 2013): Woob has been in bed about 15 minutes. As is his usual habit, he comes out of his room, delaying bedtime yet again. “Woob, what are you doing out of bed?” He climbs next to me on the couch and whispers, “Mom, I really miss my sisters and my mom. I really want to see them sometime soon, can we? Its been such a long time.”

So here we are, a place I didn’t really think we’d ever be. I mean, I guess I always knew there was a possibility that we’d hit some kind of wall, take some kind of break. I suppose I thought that if that ever happened, I’d have some kind of warning, or precipitating event. Something. But there wasn’t. It just…ended.

I’m feeling pretty sick about the whole thing. At first, I was able to shrug it off as, “she’s really busy,” or “her computer must not be working.” Over a period of months, this past year and a half of trying various means to reach her–emails, facebook, cards and letters, texting, calling, offers to travel, offers to host–I’m no longer in denial. If she doesn’t want ME around, I get that, and am cool with it. But Woob is no longer a baby. He’s seven and smart. He knows these people and loves them, despite their distance and that fact that he’s seen them no more than a few times a year. He knows these people are HIS in a way that our family is not. So my heart breaks for him every single time he mentions them or asks if we can go visit them or wonders why they’ve been silent.

I have become the mom who wonders if it was the right thing to want openness.

I have become the mom that contemplates lying to her son by writing him a letter and signing her name.

I have become the mom that tries to make excuses for the person who isn’t there.

I have become the mom that has done everything short of begging (perhaps I have begged a little bit), that this person just throw our kid one little crumb of something .

I feel ugly about all of the above.

Make no mistake. My head knows that we aren’t the only ones in this equation, that there are hard emotional hurts that have to be tended to. That maybe sometimes its just too hard to see what was, what could have been, what should have been if only… My intent is not to be insensitive to that. But my boy is hurting now, too, and my mama’s heart is shattered and doesn’t really know what to do next to help.

Hi, everyone! Apparently, no one in the world had the power to wake this little blog from the dead except for Heather PNR, when she announced this year’s Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project for 2011. This year I was paired with lovely Jodilee, who writes at Simple Perfect Life. Jodilee lives in Minnesota and is the busy adoptive mom of three great little kiddos. She’s got a son in Kindergarten as I do, and he was her first, so I found myself joining with her immediately when I started reading her blog. She’s also got two sweet little daughters. Their lives include the kids’ first mothers, each in their own way, and Jodi shares her daily joys and struggles in her blog. You can also read my answers to her questions here. Here is my interview:

1. Tell me a little about your original journey to adopt your son. He wasn’t a newborn anymore (yet SO cute in his footie jammies!) when the blog seems to have started.

My husband and I were not getting pregnant and really had no clue what to do about it. He was a delivery driver and drove by a local adoption agency and brought home some informational packets from them. We are both not worldly travelers (and this agency specialized in international adoption) and the thought of having to travel to another country was terrifying to both of us–and wondering how we could manage to get off of work–and seeing the ‘estimated’ cost all together made it seem completely impossible. There was nothing in the packets about domestic adoption so we didn’t even really know that it existed for us normal folk. C.L.U.E.L.E.S.S! With that, we went to see a fertility specialist and with that came the dye test, tubal surgery, six rounds of drug assisted artificial insemination and nothing. In the meantime, we had found out a little more about foster care adoption as I had some clients at work that did foster care and we also learned more about domestic adoption. My mother knew how much I wanted children and at one point said, if it was me, I would do whatever it took, and with that, we decided to attend the IVF informational meeting required to sign up for the process. It was a bear to get off of work for it–and being completely hormonal from our plight to have children and the fertility drugs–I was a complete mess when they canceled the meeting due to not enough people signing up. By the grace of God (well, most definitely His plan), somebody I had had conversation about adoption with at the community center where I worked, walked in to the fitness center and informed me that there was an informational meeting that night at an adoption agency they checked out when they were exploring adoption. We went, and that’s all she wrote! :0) After completing all of our paperwork, homestudy and profile, we waited in the book for about 4 months and were matched with our son’s birthmother about three months before he was born. It was about one year total time from the day of signing up with the agency to finalization. We were with an independent adoption agency and talk about treading in uncharted water with no guidance or support….The first three months after placement were simply horrific–at least not what we envisioned it to be. Our son’s birthmother was grieving and we were at a loss as to how to help her. When we contacted our agency to check in with her, they never did. To be honest, we were under the impression that she would just be able to move on like nothing ever happened. Lack of truth in some of our training. All relationships change when children arrive in a home, and then you add the complexities of an open adoption and poor support and you are most definitely on a train wreck! My husband and I sought counseling on our own…and they sucked. haha! NOT a lick of experience with open adoption. No, sir, closing the adoption is not an option. It is obvious that my husband and I made it through as we have since then adopted two more children. We are not ashamed of telling people we had counseling. Our relationship with our son’s birthmother is in the ebb and flow of rebuilding. The fact is she was a teenager when she placed him and she is also growing into her own self. With that, we have grown to disagree on some things and have grown apart since May. It has been a very difficult time for me. I can’t stand to not have her in our life but I am thrilled to say that she has started emailing me again and as soon as we can finagle it we will be getting together. We are lucky and blessed that we are still all sticking it out through the thick and thin. Our son will be six this January! AMAZING! And we are always working on perfecting our relationship with his birthmother and her family.

2. Tell me a little about your start in blogging? Who was your intented audience at that time and how has that changed (if at all) since 2008?

I happened to meet someone at the community center I work at who overheard me talking about our second adoption process. They too were ‘waiting’ in the ‘book’ at the same agency we were at so we connected and she told me about her blog and, of course, I had to start one. :0) I had been blogging on myspace at the time, mostly for sharing things with our son’s birthmother (the reason I joined myspace–of which I haven’t logged onto in eons! haha!) I’m not sure I had an intended audience. It was kind of a way to share photos and happenings in our life. If I were honest, I think what I wanted was an online journal, but then my blog would probably have to be private! I have a dream of having my blog focus on the nitty gritty of open adoption. After adopting our son, we thought we knew what to expect…..ha! Not one of our adoptions is even remotely similar to the others. You should always expect the unexpected. I love and respect each of my children’s birthmothers and their story…and some things are just meant to be ours and not to share with others. My passion with adoption is maintaining that open relationship when things don’t go as planned (and what really does go as planned?) I hope I can help others feel the same way.

3. Who are your biggest supports with regards to open adoption–who are the people in your life that “get it?” Are there those close to you that don’t, even three children later?

My biggest supports are my friends who have also adopted. They are the people I cry with, tell all, share my biggest fears, share my biggest dreams, share private photos because I know they will truly respect the desired privacy and share my faults and weaknesses with. To be honest, I don’t have a whole lot of time for friends–so only my besties get me for now! Anyone making a completely purposefully hurtful or insensitive idiotic remark is deleted! :0) I give kudos to my family and for their acceptance and support and unconditional love they give to my kiddos! Growing up with pretty much NO diversity whatsoever…in a small town….I wouldn’t have expected the openness and support I have received. SO thankful for that! My family doesn’t always ‘get it’, but they will say that outright and ask questions to try and understand something. My non-adoption friends don’t always get it either, but they give me the time and an open ear to learn about it.

4. What have been some of the biggest misgivings/doubts over the course of building your family through adoption (thought of this as I read the Mothers Day post from 2008, where you were wondering if you should even send a card to one of the kids’ moms).

This question made me laugh out loud! :0) I think I actually thought adoption was as easy as signing up, getting a baby, and living happily ever after. Don’t get me wrong, I am living happily every after (on most days). I am not talking about feeling true love for my children. I love them more than life itself. They are my world. And I cannot imagine my life without them. I cannot know the emotions a birthmother experiences when she places her child, but I know how I would feel if I had to live my life without my children and I imagine that a birthmother just has to deal with a lot of pain and hurt–and that hurts me. I do cry about it, still. I’ve cried with them while visiting. I never knew my love for them would be so intense. I think there is also a lot of added pressure to be that perfect parent. Like I don’t have a right to feel stressed or overloaded or like I always need to have it all together. I’m responsible for making my dreams come true, my child’s dream to come true, and my child’s birthmother’s dreams for her child to come true. It’s especially tough when you think you might be letting someone down. From my experience, we already know what we want to do about any one situation and if we choose to seek advice, we will seek it from those that will give the advice we would approve of.

5. What have been some of the biggest truths you’ve found as related to open adoption in general; or your personal adoptions specifically?

A true open adoption requires work and sacrifice from all persons involved. We have been walked on, taken advantage of, been disrespected, had our boundaries crossed and still expected to be there when people are ready to be involved at their discretion, their times, no compromises. Now before you all get angry, I have to say that I, too, have been disrespectful, cheesy, immature, bossy, and inappropriate in how I have set limits or decided to talk about an issue or handle something I’m uncomfortable with. It’s the part of developing a relationship that I HATE! It’s the truth that with any relationship, there will be conflict of some sort at some point. The truth is even my husband and I are not always (hardly ever) on the same page and I’m sure it will get super interesting when the kids are old enough to give their input too! Then you add expectations from birth parents and family and sometimes it can be just plain difficult. Sometimes there just isn’t an easy solution and all you can do is pray it will all work out.

6. What would be your best and first advice to families considering pursuing adoption, as well as to a mother/couple considering placing?

To those considering adoption: Expect the unexpected, expect to be flexible, remember that your journey doesn’t end with placement and that your work has just begun. Don’t make promises that you don’t intend to keep. Just because your child doesn’t talk about something, doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking about it. Encourage them to talk about their adoption and their feelings. Don’t ever make them feel like they have to choose between you and their birth family. Let them love who they want with all their heart. Teach them how to love big!

To someone considering placement: You should never feel coerced or pressured to place. You have the right to change your mind. Nobody could ever possibly know how they are going to feel when their baby is born. Find support. Possibly an agency that offers extensive post placement programs–not one that is going to kick you to the curb after placement. (sadly it happens). Or a private counselor. If you don’t click, find a new counselor. Or a friend, or a blog, or someone who has placed already. Do what feels right for you. If you want time with your baby in the hospital, take it. I would encourage it. I don’t think anybody has ever regretted spending time with their baby….but I have heard many regrets about not spending time with them at all. Choose families wisely. Sadly, there are some who make false promises. Take your time. Life long decisions shouldn’t be made in a weekend. If things don’t go as you envisioned, don’t ever give up.

7. It seems the common thread through our previous emails up to this time is that you are busy and I am busy :). However you seem to have your act together far more than me and you have three kids and I only have one. Can you give me some valuable/useful time-management tips that work for your family? Also, three kids sound expensive! What do you do to help save money in your family budget?

haha! My house is a mess! An incredible mess! My husband hates clutter and I’m terrible at doing something about it! I rarely shower and my kids are never dressed if we aren’t going anywhere. There are always 3 or 4 baskets of clean laundry on any given day sitting around the house. We dig out of those more than out of our closets and dressers. I stay up late to get things done and then on Friday or Saturday night hit the hay around 9pm. I have to write lists and notes and charts to make sure the bills get paid and appointments aren’t missed. I am chronically early to everything–even with three kids. I even pay the bills early–once I paid one twice because I couldn’t remember if I paid it or not–all still two weeks before it was due. We do a lot of cooking at home–making extra–and freezing for later meals. This helps with time AND money saving. But, makes for a very messy kitchen! I make bread (I know, how could I possibly have time to do that?) haha! The kids help and it is awesome for their sensory stimulation to be able to beat, squish, squeeze and pound the bread. It is soothing and makes the house smell awesome! We garden in the summer–lots of fruit and veggies. We totally simplified our life and cut our budget. We rarely go out to eat, no Starbucks or Dairy Queen. I just recently got a basic cell phone and my husband’s cell is provided by his work. We buy in bulk at Sam’s and coupon shop. We do our own oil changes and I totally skimp on haircuts and colors. We visit family in Wisconsin for vacations, rarely pay full price for anything and mostly buy used when we can. We shop at garage sales, use cloth diapers, make our own baby wipes, made our own baby food, and do our own home repairs when we can. We do have cable TV and DVR…our entertainment budget. AND of course, the internet–which we had dial-up for a VERY LONG TIME! haha! I was even selling tons of stuff on ebay when we had dial-up! We have made a ton of sacrifices and truthfully, didn’t notice a whole lot. My kids are perfectly happy doing activities at home with the family and love being outside playing and gardening! I am thankful for the Federal Adoption Tax Credit becoming refundable this year. We were able to use our return (along with a little help of a cashed out retirement fund) to pay off our house a couple of months ago. So, we are pretty much debt free. We have gone out to eat a couple of times, but truthfully, after cooking at home for so long, it is hard to find a restaurant that we think was worth the horrific amount of money it cost to eat there! :0) It pays to be stingy! haha! I like to call it smart with our money. If groupon, living social, crowd cut, centerpointenergyextras, or amazon deals, happenings coupons, etc, don’t have it, neither do we! haha!

I think the best time management tip is to make lists. Spend 5 minutes before bed writing what needs to get done the next day. And plan meals ahead too. I know some people who plan the whole week or month. I just plan a day ahead since that is all my brain can compute. I didn’t write anything down last night and NOTHING got done today! AND, don’t get dressed if you don’t need to! :0) I feel like I’m in college again cramming to get my paper done, how’s that for time management?

*Just a note: I apologize for the qonky font sizes. Somehow in the cut and paste from email, they didn’t maintain any routine size, and me? I was just too lazy to try to figure it out 🙂

Well, getting BACK to getting back on track, I should say. The past few months have been interesting, to say the least. When we last met here on this little blog, I was freaking out a bit about making the decision to build a new home, and the impacts that would have on my little family. That freakout back there? Nothing compared to what was to come. Suffice it to say, that it has been a ROUGH couple of months, thanks to a hellish journey brought to me by a little, tiny, anti-anxiety med which I am happy happy happy to now have out of my system completely. Seems I can really handle my own anxiety, but the magnified anxiety along with severe physical illness that accompanied it while on the med? No Thanks! Maybe I’ll tell you more some day, but just know it was ugly. For far too long. But, things are much better now. Oh, and it turns out that we have not bankrupted ourselves as I just KNEW we would, and also it turns out that we’ve got ourselves a really pretty new house to move into next week. So Yay, US!

And while all this was happening, our little boy has continued to grow and grow…you know you’ve been away from the blog too long, when your 5 year old learns to read and to ride a bike in the time since writing the last blog post!

Adoption-wise, we’re rolling along just fine. Still trying to find a good time to get together with Woob’s first family–wish they lived closer. Its been far too long since we’ve seen them. If you’re praying people, please send a prayer up for their housing and job situation. Woob is wanting his grandma to take him to see Kung Fu Panda 2, but we’re holding out until we can take him so if he has any questions resulting from what I understand to be a Po-going-on-a-journey-to-find-his-biological-father storyline. Fairly certain his grandma would answer questions or respond just a bit differently than we would.

So, to recap what’s been happening the past few months:

1. built home from start to finish in three months

2. child growing by leaps and bounds

3. took medication I should never take again in this lifetime, for fear I might die if I do

The past month has been a whirlwind, and the next two promise to be the same.

We’re a month into our “building-a-house-pare-way-back” budget. Getting used to it, but many adjustments. My anxiety is going down a bit, but I dream something about the new house every single night. And the house? Is going up fast enough to make your head spin. We’ve got a basement and the house is fully framed now. By the end of next week, we should have a full shell of a house, ready for interior finish work. Sheesh.

And on the current homefront, hubby insists on doing some final projects before we put our house up for sale, but geesh, the work is going slowly all the way around, various areas a kind of torn up, and I am seemingly never going to be able to purge all the crap we have sitting around this house. We’ve been here 17 years. Ugh. The whole thing seems insurmountable and overwhelms me. I just filled about 8 boxes from our “junk room” and put them in the kitchen to haul away to storage, and the junk room still so completely qualifies as the junk room. Barely a dent.

There are so many mixed feelings surrounding this move. First, financial–enough said. Second, this is the house where we brought our baby home and have raised him his first five years. The next house is the one where he’ll likely learn to ride a bike, make friends he’ll go to school and sports teams with, have sleepovers, and eventually high school parties. So much to look forward to in the new house. But still…his babyhood is here. He cooed in his crib, took his first bath, his first steps and first words in this house. I wonder how much he’ll remember about living here as time passes.

And this year brings other transitions at the same time. Woob is going to Kindergarten in the fall. He’ll be leaving the safety and love of the daycare/preschool where he’s gone since he was two. None of the little friends he’s had for those years will be moving on to the school where he will go. Life for him will be a series of changes, adventures, and possible insecurities for the next few months. I think I’d rather just snap my fingers and be six months down the road already.

The title above comes from the readings from church this Sunday, ironically. Remember this? That I wrote just days ago? Well, just know that very quickly the story continues right back up the path it started from. When we left off, my hubby pretty much hated me was very disappointed in my choice to back out of the build and thought I was a raving lunatic. Well, I kind of was. And I so appreciate the readers who chimed in supporting my decision. Of the few words he did speak to me that night, they included, “well, I’m not calling them to tell them to put a stop to it. You’re gonna have to do it.” Gladly. And that’s what I did. I called our realtor and gushed out all over again with the “I need out of this, we can’t do this, I’m sorry, but I’m otta here.” She countered with the thought that I had a natural case of buyer’s remorse (UM, YEAH!), and that all would be well. I gave her all of my reasons and a few tears, and she said, OK, I’ll call the builder and tell him to hold on a minute and I’ll get back in touch with you to see if you change your mind in a few days. I didn’t WANT her to call me back. My last words were “I will not change my mind on this.” Turns out I didn’t have to change my mind, but it was pretty much changed for me, learning that it was truly, really too late to turn back without some signficiant financial loss over and above our earnest money. I won’t go into it here. But there you have it. Hubby is happy again. He also thankfully pulled in another tucked away financial source I didn’t even know we had, that came as part of the inheritance from his brother, which will help ease things a bit when they get tighter and, and also bring our overall down payment to a (relatively) reasonable level. Turns out Uncle2Roo, even from his grave, is gonna help us build this house.

Now, just because all this is somewhat settled that its happening, does not mean that I am altogether settled with it. Things are still going to be TIGHTIGHITHTIGHT over the next several months. It will be a summer of NO FUN THINGS, GOING NOWHERE, SPENDING NO MONEY, and being ANTISOCIAL. I’ve re-run the numbers with more accurate estimates of payments from the banker working our loans, and with this cut here and that cut there and a big ol’ budget down to the penny, we will make this work. We won’t have curtains or landscaping at the new house, but we will not starve. Woob will still get to go to the school we chose for him this fall. I have been truly sick with worry for the past week (along with the flu for good measure), and marched my little fanny to the Dr.’s office to re-up my anti-anxiety meds which I hadn’t needed since my infertility days. Its helping take a very big edge off for now. And its cheap so that’s good.

We’ve had a few BIG TALKS over the past few days–me threatening hubby with his life if he goes off the budget by even a penny. Me wailing about how we’ll never be able to (insert fun thing here) again! Wah Wah Wah.

And at some point he just stopped me. He looked me in the eyes and said, “This is going to be okay. It will be hard at first and we’ll be making sacrifices that I think we’ll be glad of later. We’ll become smarter with our money, we’ll be stronger becasue we’re in this together, and things will be fine. There are very few things in our marriage that I’ve really wanted and insisted on, and if I thought this in any way was going to ruin our life together, I wouldn’t do it. I need you to trust me and trust my judgement. I’ve done the same for you. When you told me you wanted to adopt, that was really nowhere on my radar. You asked me to trust you and it has been the biggest gift of my life. When you told me you wanted to have an OPEN adoption, I thought you had lost your mind, but you were so sure and confident, and now look. Its such a good thing for all of us. I’m asking you to put the same kind of trust in me. We won’t know how it will turn out until we try.” What the hell do you even SAY to that?

So, now, my job is to push him to get the house ready to sell (my BIGGEST anxiety!), and to maintain a budget that works. His job is to do whatever it takes to make this happen as painlessly for me as possible, and at the end of it to make sure he can tell me “I told you so.”

So folks, we’re building a house. For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer. With medication and without, and paying mortgage til death do us part. We are. Ground breaks Monday.