Sunday, November 13, 2016

I am still comparing Seattle to Hilo, Hawaii. Hilo is still winning my heart but Seattle makes sense. Did I really go to a magical island to make sense? I will leave that one hanging........
I am happy here. Really, I am.
My job is great.
My lil apartment is great.
Family is great.
Our money is WAY better than Hawaii.
Fitness is great.
Things are good. They are smooth.
There is one thing that is on my mind a lot lately.
I think I have finally really started to see the thing that has been confusing me.
It is the mindset around "fitness" on the mainland. It is wack. Just straight up fucking wack.
I was all about the wack attack many times and I didn't even see anything wrong with it before I left.
Hawaii..........you beautiful, green, watery magical, eye opening fairy Godmother.
What I learned and can see differently now is that in Hilo, no one hated their body like they do here. At least it didn't seem like it to me. It was not as normal for every woman I met to talk about diets, or focused clean eating or wanting to lose 5 pounds or being just straight up preoccupied with their body, their fitness or their fitness goals.
Here, it is such a thing. If you are focused on fitness that is supposed to mean at least some sort of restraint, restriction, going out of your comfort zone, putting in the work, being on some crazy "eating plan" or counting something or just eating super clean so you can be a freak ninja or take 3 classes a day and then..........oh man. I can't even make any more shit up, my head is spinning.
I did not see it the same before I moved to Hawaii.
I saw it as normal. As healthy. As working hard.
I am a bit confused with the messages I see in the world around me and the way my heart feels.
My heart and definitely my body want to enjoy exercise and food. I have been listening to my body and not always going out of my comfort zone. Some days I don't kick my ass and I go on a long ass walk. Some days I do and it feels right. I don't worry about "counting that" in my imaginary health checklist. I take the time to stretch or enjoy a yoga class. Some days I don't do anything at all. Last week it was three whole days I didn't do anything at all. What a crazy rebellious act. Not really. People are just fucking crazy. It is not their fault. They are just trying to be happy. To be healthy. They are doing what their Trainer said or what they saw on Instagram. It's not the Trainers fault or the person on Instagram. They are just doing what they were taught. I want to say you can change the rules. It can feel good. You are not lazy.
Today a friend asked me to review the meal plan she made for the week. She is about 120lbs and 5'7, very slender. She wants to lose 5 lbs. of corse. The meal plan was all about macros and some fake foods to cut calories and it was pretty intense. I was a bit hesitant to answer her because what I have found is people don't want to take any advise that is not punishing. They usually don't believe me that it can feel good. I suggested she ditch the plan and just eat real foods when she was hungry. Lots of veggies, protein, carbs. I mentioned consistency and finding things she enjoys. AND, I said she did not need to lose 5 lbs. I suggested lifting some weights and asked what she enjoys as far as movement. She laughed at my crazy advice and said she was going to try her meal plan and focus on pretty intense workouts.
I was very interested in her response. Do you see what I am saying? Women are terrified of being fully comfortable with themselves. I still struggle with it and I have done alot of work to accept every wrinkle, roll, muscle, part. I still have to talk myself into love. Being loving to myself. I wanted to write about this just to get this idea out there. I still love to push myself and work hard and focus on health but it is kinder. I am desperately trying to hold onto some aloha. I want to get the message out there that it is okay. You are okay. Your body and your looks will not make your life better. Your life can be so much more than JUST that.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

So much has been on my mind lately and writing seems to keep calling to me.
I have these huge thoughts or ideas or visions and I keep thinking WRITE WRITE WRITE. But I haven't been.
Not sure why and that doesn't really matter. I am just glad I am finally writing now.
Moving back to Seattle was crazy.
I am super glad we are home and I feel like I am finally recalibrated but man, it was hard.
Maybe it was because we moved home right before Christmas when everyone was crazy Christmas stressed. Or maybe it was because it was really cold that week. Or maybe it was just me and I am nuts but........it was a dark first week. The vibe of the mainland is way lower than Hawaii. I have heard people say the big island has amazing energy and a high vibration, but I never really gave it much thought.
I could feel it when we moved back. I could have cut the darkness with a knife. It scared me.
It was also confusing because I was so happy to be home. I was excited. I was with family and friends that I had not seen in two years. I was curious. But it was like the darkness kept surrounding me. Reminding me that people are different here. That was Dec 23rd and as of today, I don't feel the darkness the same way. I guess that is what adjusting is. I don't think one place is better than the other. its not about that for me. For me, Hawaii was about HUGE SPIRITUAL GROWTH. My huge growth looked like days at the beach, beers, playing with my family, having minimal food in the house, some days only oatmeal and eggs, walking in the sunshine, reading, playing with neighbors and friends, family, volcanos, working at a job that was BLAH but not really even realizing it because I was so thankful to have a job, exploring, adventure, not being able to go anywhere because we had no gas in our car, vog, THE STARS, just the sky........the beautiful birds, coquis. And in all of that, I found my empathic side. I am not even sure how I started to look for it but I really learned in the last two years that I am sensitive as fuck and that I love that about myself.
I have always wanted to have psychic powers since I was a little kid. Actually, I really wanted to be a medium as a kid. I would watch John Edwards, Crossing Over, and think- THAT IS EPIC and I WANT TO BE AROUND THAT. Then from about 12-27, I just thought I was weird and too sensitive. 27-35 I was less insecure about my spiritual side and I started to dive into it. I would go to lectures, listen to podcasts, read, visit energy healers, visit Reiki practitioners, meditation circles..........I started my journey.
But Hawaii took me to another level. I had no idea it would happen this way and I am thankful as hell for it.
I realize I am an Empath.
I realized I was exhausted when I got to Hawaii because I had NO boundaries. I was still into people pleasing and wanting people to like me and service. Because we were struggling so much in Hawaii I had to make changes. I had to let go of teaching and training more and more and I felt fucking great. It was so strange because I love people. I love fitness. I love helping people change for the better. But it was draining the shit out of me without me realizing it.
So I started to reel myself back in. I started to chill more. To be with family more. To pay attention to the good stuff more. To not feel obligated to anyone else's shit. It was liberating and it gave me more time to explore my sensitivity. I am not messed up. I do not have a problem because I feel deeper than most. I am realizing that is my gift. I fucking FEEL to the core. I feel everything. I can feel other people's feelings like they are my own. It is confusing because sometimes I mistake them for my own. Learning to separate them has been hugely impactful. Powerful, even.
For instance, last night Chad was doing homework. He was just sitting at the table on the computer. thats it.
I started to feel major anxiety. I started to get short with Dutch and edgy. I turned on music and it pissed me off. I was literally IN HIS SHIT. It was amazing the second I realized that it was not my own, I seperated it. I asked Chad if he was okay and bless his heart he tried to hide that shit from me and said, "ya, homework is just hard." Welp, the next day he said how stressed he was and that he had all this anxiety because his project was taking forever. I could totally understand what he was dealing with and my sensitivity allowed me to be completely understanding. I knew what he was dealing with. It is cool. Now that I am learning to manage it, it is cool.
One thing that I have done since move home is try to set up boundaries and really listen to what is good for me. By listen, I mean, follow my gut. I am very careful with my time and energy and if something doesn't feel right, I ain't doin it. It is no offense. It is just me, being careful with me.
This might sound weird to some people but I am not going to apologize. This is my blog. If you don't like it, that is okay. I have spent way too much time not writing what I really want to because I was afraid people would think I was weird. I don't care anymore. Or atleast, in this moment. So here I am. Learning about my spiritual self. I fucking love it.