Friday, June 21, 2013

I
am afraid to put myself out there in the dating market, I am a shy
person that is true however my biggest fear is that I will get
rejected by white men. As a young woman I have always noted white
men looking at me and then they look away when my eyes meet theirs. I
think there could be attraction there but I don’t think they allow
themselves to find us attractive and this is the number one hindrance to us coming together. But am I imagining things?

Richard Gere and Diana Ross hit the dance floor

﻿

Let me first address the issue of
white men not allowing themselves to find black women attractive.
There is a lot of truth in that observation. There is the belief
that people just get overwhelmed by their feelings of attractions,
that it just overrides their resistance. I think this idea comes
straight out of Mills and Boons! Most people fall in love over a time
and after an initial attraction (which is the start point). It means
then that if a man feels an attraction but doesn’t allow himself to
go down that route the relationship that would have been will not be.

One key thing to realize about white
masculinity (yes we can analyze white masculinity just as we can
black womanhood) is that it is rewarded and privileged for sure but
it is only rewarded when white male actions fall within the
acceptable range of behavior marked out by wider
interest-forces! Most of us are of the impression that white male
privilege is unlimited and unrestricted, that white men can go
anywhere and do anything. This is a myth. White men have privilege
and domination as long as they act and behave in the way that is
acceptable for the white male to behave.

I believe one of the reasons why there
is such a deep attraction to Rap music among white males is that it
allows them to live the hyper- masculine dream vicariously. They are
attracted to the rap thug because they recognize that they are not
allowed to express such dominating and unfettered masculinity, the
ones they see black rapper males indulge in, without severe sanctions
to themselves, especially their ability to earn a living. It has
become even worse in the current gender political state and the rise
of a very aggressive thuggish strain of feminism that requires the
very debasement of the white male before it is appeased. Many white
males are actually giving in to the demand to self flagellate,
identify masculinity and maleness as evil and the root of all that is wrong with the world and even to go as far as self
loathing because this is the only way they can be admitted into certain circles or
even secure their jobs (for instance tenure in many universities in America that have become open to only people of certain ideological persuasions) in many institutions in the West.

Coming back to the issue of white
males and attraction to black women, you can be sure that many men
have a moment hesitation and ask, how will this affect my ability to
earn a living. Even if these men are free to pursue black women
without any repercussion (because society has moved on for instance),
it is the perception of this 'being one of the things that might
hinder me' that becomes the reality that holds them back.

When some white men see an attractive
black or other woman, they can respond to her physically but they
also are aware on some level of how easily pursuing such a path could
loose them their privileges and social endorsements. It might not be
true that they will come under sanction as I have said, however many
do not want to test out their fears!

Things are changing and white men are
also acting independently of ‘endorsed’ notions of behavior in
addition some white men work for themselves or work in ways that
allows them to have freer choices than what is expected of them. The
passing years also brings maturity, independence and maybe a stronger
backbone to many of these men, others have to go through life to
eventually figure out what is really important thus we expect and
often see an increase in white men who are seeking or open to black
women now in the ages over 35 (the restructure of the society we live
in and the loosening of social taboos also means
the younger ones are now also freer to make choices that those one
generation up feared to make).

One of the reasons why I encourage
black women to be out there in the dating market place is that by the
sheer logic of numbers she will eventually find that white or other
man who combines a willingness to date out with an attraction to
black women and maybe the right social and economic situations or
independence of mind that will allow him to pursue that option.
Shyness might just be making it hard for you to build up the numbers
from which you would logically expect to find a couple of white (and
other) men of this mindset.

Follow up question 7th July

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.﻿﻿

Monday, June 10, 2013

It
took me working in a school environment in rural England last year to
understand how damaged black femininity can be from an early age.

The
fact of the matter is that black women do not come under any sort of
social protection so the only way older people have found to
'protect' black women is to clamp down on that aspect
of black womanhood that would expose them to predatory males and this
happens from an early age. In some cultures we hear of Breast ironing which is essentially a means of removing a female characteristic that is seen to draw the attention of males with its attendant ramifications for the girl in question. Well something similar happens with blossoming young womanhood in black spaces in the West. Adults in very crude fashion, refuse girls their normal and natural female responses or self expressions so they dont become the target for predatory males. These adults may 'mean well' but the result is
stifled expression of femininity, anxiety about aspects of being
female, inability to respond with a carefree attitude to being a
woman and being sought out for the functions of femaleness in
society, and a general fraught attitude to those things that
distinguish one as a woman.

Inability
to connect freely with others

This whole issue of having a fraught
relationship with ones femininity and being in a state of anxiety and
tension with your very femaleness was highlighted to me one day while
quick walking to the nearest train station to take me out of the area
back into London. I fell into step with a Norwegian college student
who proceeded to chit chat with me about everything and anything. Let
me mention here, I was blown away by how naturally and freely she
said hi and began to talk with me a stranger, confident, that I would
respond and engage with her in a genuine and pleasant fashion. I wondered then, what kind of protective and caring environment would one have grown up in, that would enable them stretch out their hands to their society unflinchingly, and with every expectation of a positive and optimistic response. How often do I see young
black girls peering at me from behind a book or etc, not having the
'freedom' and courage to strike up a conversation. It makes me feel
sad that I am alienated from these young ladies.

Watching this young pleasant girl
freely and unguardedly interact with me made me think on how white
masculinity is restrained in such a way that to a great it extent allows
white femininity to blossom, while on the other hand, unfettered and marauding
masculinity is allowed in black spaces which means black femininity
can often contract inwards. In fact anything less than marauding masculinity in
black males is seen as a sign that 'the man' has neutered him! Am I saying that there are no wayward white boys causing
damage to young women? No, but in white environments there is 'control'
exerted on men to allow young females to be and do what young females
do without damage.

Braggadocios
femininity 'I can do it like a dude'

The likes of Jessie J tell us they can
'do it like a dude' and they go on to win accolades from the music
industry. In fact a white girl mimicking 'rude gyals' from Jamaica is
the surest route to fame these days, maybe because it
contrasts so much with the category in which the white female is placed. But
lets be sure about this, these women are being rewarded for their
'act'. Let's also not forget that white females are a protected
specie and they can perform 'she-malism' without it tainting their
femininity … yet! Nothing is more off putting to me than brash young
ladies, shouting and cursing and being harsh and unkind with each
other. In our turned upside down society it seems that being harsh
with friends and calling them unkind names in the full hearing of the
public is suppose to endear you to them!

Inability
to flirt?

If you cannot engage with men on a
level of flirting or if you feel anxious or afraid to be a woman with
an interested man, then it might be that your femininity has been
damaged. Some of us remember flirting with boys innocently only to
have an elder, a big sister or parent twist our ear or make us feel
that we had done the worst thing possible. Indeed we had committed a sordid
act for which we should be ashamed. Often the feelings of 'wrongness'
of flirting with men will always be lurking in the background for
us and will possibly require 'therapy' and healing of some sort in many cases. But you know the funny thing, years later the same parents or
elders that scarred you and damaged your natural reactions to men will be the
ones to ask why you haven’t 'found a man' or settled down yet!

It took me being in a classroom where
girls oozed girlishness without being crushed, slapped down or made
to feel dirty to realize just how much damage is done to young black
girls as soon as they exhibit behavior which is just natural for
them as blossoming young women.

Next blog post available from 22 June

My e-books are now available on Amazon. Please click on the corresponding links below for more info.﻿﻿

A Taster for you!

About Me, About the Blog

Hi I am Halima AndersonI am an author with a passion for the relationship 'well-being' of black women, hence the writing of the book, "Supposing I wanted to Date a White Guy...? It is important for me to specify that this blog is for women who are new to interracial dating or who still have struggles with the idea and want to see if it is a thing for them. This category of black women will be my primary focus!If you are already in an IR or are open to the idea, I wish you good luck!

Email: something2say(at)gmail(dot)com

Give an E-Book

Please contact me if you feel interested in donating a free E-book to bw without the meanssomething2say(at)gmail(dot)com

Help to keep this blog going!The Donation Option is now here. Thanks in Advance!

Black Women Empowernment and IR Networks!

New Blog Links on BW and the Church

BW constitute anything from 60-80% of the makeup of black churches yet they seem to be the ones who have their welfare and needs subordinated to every other agenda, particularly in the issue of marriage and upholding the black family. If your blog is one which critically examins bw's role and place in the church please email me your links.