I've been doing a lot of thinking about astrology, probably because just now I find it preferrable to work.

The more I learn the more I want to know, and I thirst for its deep knowledge the way other people do for love, or gold. Learning something I find new and exciting sets off fireworks in me, so that I feel sometimes that my entire being is plugged in to a vast cosmic antenna of inspiration and I burn with a light so intense it makes me tremble. The downside is that I get very impatient, because I want instant gratification- I want to know everything there is right NOW NOW NOW, to see all the connections, all the levels of things and expand my mind until it cannot hold anymore and then simply explode and be undone in a blaze of light having attained my completion.

Of course, I haven't managed it so far so I'm going the more mundane route of actually learning it in bits and pieces, filling out more of the puzzle in my mind.

And I'll take just one aspect (usually of my own birth chart) and I'll meditate on it, and suddenly it feels as though something in my mind opens up and a lightning zings through me making connections and I get a glimpse of something greater than myself.

So here goes: My Ascendant, at 14 degrees Virgo is Conjunt both Jupiter ( in Virgo in the 12th House) and Saturn (also in Virgo, in the 1st House).

The Ascendant is a personal thing and I think it describes something of the way in which we approach the world, the shape of the door through which our Self flows an seeks expression.

When a planet makes an aspect to one of the four angles of the chart (Ascendant, Descendant, Midheaven and Immum Coeli) then it is called angular which means that its influence on the chart is amplified. That planet and its aspects are highlighted and there is more strength in which they seek their expression through the individual.

In my chart both Jupiter and Saturn are Angular and the Ascendant is sandwiched between them, which means that both symbolically exert a pull.

But the pull is somewhat of a conflict as Jupiter seeks to travel and to expand, Jupiter's principle is abundance and high spirits, religion, philosophy.

Saturn on the other hand is a much more dour planet concerned with limitation, restriction, boundaries. Jupiter fills with confidence what it touches, Saturn takes the confidence away. Jupiter brings benevolence, Saturn teaches of struggles and the rewards of hard work. Saturn is realistic- Jupiter isn't. Saturn contains and Jupiter inflates.

In my chart Jupiter is hidden (it is in the 12th House, the House of secrets, the unconscious, the Unseen) and Saturn is more visible in the First House of the Self.

Looking at my own life I can see how it has reflected the influence of both Jupiter and Saturn. Outwardly my existence has been beset with restriction and struggle and limitation at every turn. Yet within that I've had incredible amounts of help because every time I would despair at the restrictions within which I'd find myself, suddenly a door would open from where I wasn't looking and a perfect opportunity would be extended to me. My life has been full of extremely fortunate coincidences which arrive in the darkest hour and radically change everything for the better.

A benevolent helper will apppear or I'll be offered a job out of nowhere to take the edge off my financial straits. Someone will come and rescue me, or in some other ways I'll step into a pocket of luck the Universe has seen fit to send my way.

I;ve linked this particular phenomenon with my 12th House Jupiter, who sits there like a hidden guardian on my shoulder, and appears in the eleventh hour. (Of course, the shadow side of Jupiter is restlessness and recklessness and megalomania so it's not all wonderful).

But I think even from day one I was caught between these extremes. I came into a harsh environment perfectly safely, and against odds and logic and medical knowledge and subsequently my carers enacted both Jupiter and Saturn.

My childhood was a mix of wonderful play (Jupiter) and stern discipline and criticism (Saturn). I was taught I was loved much (Jupiter) but only subject to strict conditions (Saturn). I was told I was wonderful and amazing (Jupiter) but also that I was stupid and flawed and not good enough (Saturn).

Although financially we lived in very limited circumstances (Saturn) I felt I existed in abundance (Jupiter). I think because it was a Communist/Socialist system and no one really had much except the officials and my needs very fairly modest- the needs of my world were satisfied completely with having shelter and food and a summer holiday- I didn't really realise there was more you could aspire to. We had a house and a dog and a car and toys and records to listen to and books to read- this seemed like wealth without end and in most ways it still does.

Every time I was stricken with a crippling disease (Saturn) I recoverd marvellously (Jupiter).

And after my Dad died when his friends ripped us off and left my mother struggling to make ends meet as a sole earner with funeral costs and a nascent economic inflation, a great-uncle helped us resolve all our financial difficulties and attain economic security.

And in me as well I bounce around between the two extremes in me. I flow between a longing for stability and a secure shell and the yearning to travel and explore and leap up to touch the unknown and bring it back into the world.

In my relationships with others I flow between Jupiter moods of elation, and excitement, wanting to give help and kindness and teaching and so much affection I can barely contain it- wanting to hug and love the world and make it travel or at the very least dance with me because life seems full of meaning and I'm on a quest for understanding fuelled by a sense of freedom and joy and visions wide as the sky.

and

Saturnian blues where I struggle with chronic depression and low self-worth, where I feel trapped or too exposed and want to withdraw and close in on myself, become a hermit, where I feel I'm never good enough and I become harshly critical of me. Where I feel the weight of responsibility and burdens and I'm a bird without wings- grounded. Often life them becomes a source of trial and frustration and stagnation

Thankfully Jupiter always kicks in before long and makes things easier- and suddenly there is sunlight in the room and life has meaning again and the world opens like a heart and says Come Follow