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Thursday, 19 May 2011

My apologies for not posting in such a long time. Sometimes, life takes over and demands your attention. I would like to share with you the Tarot Cards I pulled today for myself.
I think this will explain why I haven't updated in a while...

Tarot reading 19/5/2011

Two of Cups

The card of relationships, of love, emotions...

Ironically, my relationship of just over 2 years has ended. Is this card here just to slap me in the face, or make me doubt our decision?

We couldn't go on any longer as we were. I was becoming more ill again, and he was rapidly falling out of love, lust and patience with me.

It happened well over a week ago, but I am still devastated. My dreams, my future had all been there in my head. The stability having a relationship can offer, the support from my man, the hope of a happy future, settled.. loving...

Only, the truth is, as I have come to understand it after buckets of tears, is that, we never really had a lasting love. I put blocks in the way, the PMDD makes things difficult for everyone around me, and I wanted him to be with me more than anything else in the world. I was too needy.

He, on the other hand, has very few needs, and most of them can be met with money. I became a burden and I always felt like an embarresment to him.

So the Two of Cups tells me, that I never had that love. I thought I had, but I didn't.

'Depth of love is reflected in the quality of the relationship.' If that is the case, ours wasn't hugely deep. Me as a fish (Pisces, water), couldn't expect a bird (Gemini, air) to be able to come down to the depths of my emotions, to experience what I feel, or even begin to understand how deep my feelings go.

I could not wander through life, carefree and responsibility free, without thinking deeply about anything. Avoiding commitment and troubles.

'The success of a relationship depends in great part on how we see ourselves reflected in the eyes of our loved ones.' I can now tell what I saw in his eyes. Sadness that I wasn't the woman he met, or the woman he wanted. I saw failure, and I felt his desire to break free, to become SOLO.

In a short space of time, he went from the man of my dreams to the type of man I would avoid.

I want to see in my lovers eyes, unconditional love, a sharing of pain and emotion, someone who will embrace me and hold me when I fall apart, and someone who wants to see me succeed. I want someone who shares my values and need to have a strong home, to provide support and nurture my children. Most of all, I just want someone who understands all my faults, but loves me anyway.

The Two of Cups, makes me realise that I was in love with a fantasy that I had created, and I could no longer avoid the reality of where we had ended up. I have been so tired of feeling unloved, unworthy and a burden. I have no doubt that a relationship is what I want. I want a partner in my life, I don't want to be on my own for the rest of my days, but I will be very careful before falling in 'love' again. I have a tendency to be pretty gullible.

Love thyself... Know thyself...

The 2 on this card represents Me and My reflection. That's all I have now.

The Fool

I said last week, I felt like the Fool. That I should be excited about a new cycle of my life starting, that I should be feeling like the world is at my feet, but all I could feel was sadness, was a longing for none of it to have happened, and a wish I could just be with him again, that he would hug me and love me and cheer me up. The Two of Cups has reminded me, that I didn't have that anyway, not really. That his actions have not been of someone who loves me unconditionally, or even actions of someone who wants me, really wants me in his life. Since we broke up, he has become someone I don't even know. His actions and attitude is not something I would ever have been attracted to.. I am left wondering who it was I loved? Who have I just spent 2 years with?

Today, after a couple of days of crying and crying.. the kind of feeling that just hits you when you are washing up or doing something else. A wave of deep deep pain and sadness.. grief, for my loss, for the man I thought was my one and only.. a man who made me believe in love again, Today, as I draw The Fool, I realise that a new phase is beginning, that maybe, just maybe, being with him would have meant I'd miss my chance at whatever it is that is round the corner.

The Universe knows better than me, and it obviously has bigger plans for me, then settling for someone who doesn't really love me or want a relationship. I do deserve better. If I am ever going to accept and love myself, I have to know that I deserve better than being dismissed and made to feel unimportant to someone.

Today, I welcome The Fool, and hope that I will soon begin to feel the excitement of a new beginning. Trying to keep faith and trust the Universe is going to give me what I need.

The world is at my feet. I need to step out into the Great Unknown. I need to believe in myself. Now, more than ever.

Strength

Another major card. I'm hoping Strength is here to give me just that. Strength to get through all this emotional pain, strength to cope alone with my illness and kids and everything else I control in my life. I have to find courage, I have to find control.

I also need to get some dignity again. I have lived for long enough believing that everything that goes wrong is my fault. That I am not good enough, not worthy. No wonder I have lost all my confidence. The Strength card will bring it back. Being strong and getting through this is the ONLY option. There is a whole world out there.. I experience falling apart every month with my disorder, I get through. I deal with suicidal feelings over my life and my disorder, yet I have not yet gone through with it. I recognise it as a feeling and feelings pass. I am not going to let this ruin me.

I have tried to be the better person, to be respectful and come from a place of love, but again, it is not returned, everything is so one sided, and I am accepting defeat, gracefully, and walking away.

My heart will heal, life will move on. I will forget, and a new life will begin.

This is my chance to be at one with the Universe, with the energies. No distractions, no diversions, just Me.. and the Universe... It is here I will find strength.