The headline news today concerns one of England's hottest properties, after it transpired that Wilfried Zaha is now a Manchester United player, or soon will be, or might be, or won't. According to the Telegraph, all the other clubs that have been rivalling the Premier League leaders for the 20-year-old's signature have decided not to bother any more, the deal being just a few crossed T's and dotted I's away from completion. But hang on a minute! "It is understood that Spurs are leading the chase," counter the Express. Either way, Crystal Palace continue to hope that he will be loaned back to them for the remainder of the season once the deal is done.

Talking of Manchester United, David Beckham shows absolutely no intention of deciding to no longer bother long-suffering readers of the Rumour Mill and shuffle off into far-from-premature retirement, but then to be fair a bumper £20m deal to spend a couple of years in Qatar would probably convince even the Mill to postpone the retirement that, just to be absolutely clear, we weren't considering in the first place.

"They have seen what Beckham did in the US and feel that type of transformation could be priceless," a source told the Sun. "David is one of the few players – possibly the only one – who has the tools to revive the image of the game here." The Mill has spent some time considering what tools the source could possibly be talking about, and still has no idea.

Still talking of Manchester United, Reading are hopeful of signing Sir Alex Ferguson's fourth best striker, England's Danny Welbeck, on loan for the remainder of the season, but are lining up a cheeky bid for Academica de Coimbra's Eder just in case. We will now stop talking of Manchester United.

The Times reports that Birmingham are "close to the brink" with "the parlous state of their finances" meaning they now "need to sell players". Not for peanuts, mind: the Telegraph insists that they are demanding "a staggering £6m" for their England Under-19 forward Nathan Redmond, a price tag which has "stunned" his suitors Newcastle, West Bromwich and Fulham. Talking of Newcastle, their fearless fight for a forward has now seen them turn their attention from Loïc Rémy to Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, the St Etienne striker who already has something in common with one of Alan Pardew's players: he, like Jonas Gutiérrez, has been known to celebrate goals by donning a Spiderman mask and cavorting around the pitch shooting make-believe webs from his wrists.

Still in France, QPR have had a £6m offer for Rennes' perennial Rumour Mill favourite Yann M'Vila rejected, so may instead decide to bolster their midfield with West Ham's Momo Diame. And Tottenham are engaged in a battle royal with Fenerbahce for Montpellier's Younès Belhanda, with the Turks trumping the Totts, as they are so often called, by launching a massive £10m bid.

Liverpool and Blackpool still can't agree on a fee that would secure Thomas Ince's return to Anfield, with the disagreement now so entrenched that they've stopped talking to each other altogether. This logically has got to significantly reduce the chances of a deal going ahead. Liverpool have also been linked with Cagliari's six-times-booked-and-once-sent-off defender Davide Astori, for whom they have apparently offered a quite large £8m and Southampton an astonishingly large £9m. The Italians are utterly unimpressed, having demanded a frankly massive £9.8m.

Talking of Italian-based players being targeted by a brace of Premier League clubs, Everton and Fulham are ready to scrap over Atalanta's £5m-rated Argentinian winger Ezequiel Schelotto, who must be quick because his nickname is "The Greyhound". The Cottagers are also chasing Zulte Waregem's £3.2m-rated 18-year-old defensive midfielder Junior Malanda, who is also wanted by Club Bruges, who may in turn be forced to sign a defensive midfielder by Everton's desire to buy their current one, Vadis Odjidja-Ofoe.

Internazionale are pondering a £25m offer for Manchester City's Edin Dzeko, who has had enough of life as a substitute at the Etihad. If that deal goes through, Roberto Mancini will launch a ridiculous mid-season raid on Napoli for their Uruguayan hotshot Edinson Cavani, whom the Italians value at a prohibitive £50m, which is very breakable football-code for "go away, we won't sell him anyway".

With Danny Graham set to leave for QPR, or Sunderland, or Norwich, Reading or Aston Villa, striker-seeking Swansea are ready to pay £8.2m for Celta Vigo's Shakespeare-referencing striker Iago Aspas, but may have to wait until the summer before the 25-year-old hotshot is prepared to move. Asked whether he expected the Swans to grow frustrated by his desire to see out the season in Spain, Iago countered: "How poor are they that have not patience! What wound did ever heal but by degrees?" Michael Laudrup has also been linked with Stoke's Kenwyne Jones, and thinks he's spotted another bargain Spanish midfielder in the shape of Real Betis's José Cañas, whose contract is due to expire this summer and could thus be available for a mere £750,000.