Returns August 7 AT 10PM

July 12, 2013

New Rules

New Rule: [slides of Obama perspiring] Enough with the theatrics, Mister President. Republicans don't look at these photos and say, "Look how hot he is. Global warming must be real." They look at these photos and say, "Remember Louie Armstrong? He was one of the good ones." [slide of Armstrong] They just don't...quite get it. Okay.

New Rule: Now that we know the cause of that Asiana Airlines crash was the pilots flying too slowly, I don't want to hear another word about me doing Asian driver jokes.

Also, if future historians need to know how humans could ruin their own planet out of pure selfish greed, they just have to look at this picture of people who wouldn't get off a burning plane without their luggage.

New Rule: The ladies of 'The View' have to dry their tears, say their goodbyes, and admit what I have: No woman can ever replace Elisabeth Hasselbeck. She must be replaced by "Big Mouth Billy Bass" [slide of "Big Mouth Billy Bass" mounted singing fish]

Why? Well, one's made of lifelike rubber, always says the same thing, and was so annoying it was kind of funny ten years ago. And the other is "Big Mouth Billy Bass."

New Rule: [slide of African children wearing Romney/Ryan t-shirts] Don't send your leftover Romney/Ryan t-shirts to poor kids in Africa! I applaud the gesture, but it's not fair to Republicans. They're going to see this ad and think, "Boy, our message is really resonating with young voters in Detroit!"

Mexican immigration to America is now at net-zero. That's the little elephant-in-the-room fact they don't tell you. They're not coming anymore.

And finally, New Rule: If the only plan we have for immigration reform is a military-style "surge" that wastes $46 billion for weapons, walls, prison camps and 40,000 armed guards in the desert, it's not a plan, it's a war.

A war to replace the wars that are ending overseas. Because, after our last soldier leaves the wildly-successful experiment in democracy known as Afghanistan, we're going to be dangerously close to not having any war. And down to a mere 660 military bases in 38 countries. Jesus, what are we? Switzerland now?!

Sorry, Mexicans, but war is what keeps our economy going. So, you're just going to have to step up. The war on terror just got replaced by the "War-hay on Jorge."

That'll teach you to take over channels 18-27 on our cable system!

Now, don't get me wrong. I think border security is important. And I have no doubt that the Republican plan for turning our southern border into 'The Hunger Games' will put a stop to the number-one threat facing America today: illegal cleaning ladies.

But, let's be clear, this immigration bill has about as much to do with immigration as Sarah Palin had to do with mapping the human genome.

Mexican immigration to America is now at net-zero. That's the little elephant-in-the-room fact they don't tell you. They're not coming anymore.

Which is not to say there aren't illegals already here. Over the last 30 years, 12 million Mexicans did come to America. In three cars.

But, look, if we deport all 12 million people, the continent will tip over. We need to get them in the system, because, sooner or later, someone is going to want to eat some fruit.

So, why are we working so hard to make them miserable? The immigration bill says that while in America, they have to wait 13 years to become a citizen, learn to speak perfect English, pay taxes but don't get to use government services, and hope to hell some dumba** in a neighborhood watch program doesn't shoot them.

This bill could say Mexicans have to drink paint, and Republicans would say, "Why not lead paint?" Now, part of this, of course, is simple prejudice. But, the bigger part is that peace and brotherhood is all fine and dandy, but there's no money in it.

Ten years ago, there were 10,000 border patrol agents. Now, there are 21,000. The new bill would up it to 38,000. Why? Because Republicans hate big government.

Except for war, which is their version of a stimulus package. Oh, not the bad kind of stimulus that builds schools and fixes bridges. That's socialism.

Building weapons systems no one needs, that's patriotism. This is about the same folks who frittered away your money on the phony Iraq war and the ten years in Afghanistan, and the pointless drug war, deciding that what this country really needs is yet another phony war.

Oh, it's a "surge" all right, a surge of blood to the penises of defense contractors.

Who are so brazen about getting America to keep buying their sh*t that the bill -- an immigration bill, mind you, mandates specific weapons systems to be bought from specific companies like Northrop and Bell and General Atomics. The only way this bill could be more of a bl*wjob to the corporations that lobby Republicans, if it not only captured Mexicans but turned them into coal.

And, here's the really stupid thing about turning the bottom half of America into the DMZ: Almost half of all illegals don't even sneak in. They arrive legally on an airplane and just never leave. Turns out they're not Mexican criminals. They're Irish relatives.

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