I want to have kids but she's not ready yet

Every family hopes to have kids. This is a fact nobody could deny. But in my case, or shall I say, in our case, this is difficult to achieve, especially if your partner doesn’t want to. Now, what should be done?

Mary and I have been married for 3 years now. Our paths crossed because of [mod edit]. She is a loving wife but doesn’t want to have kids yet. She said she is not ready enough to bear a child. Should that be fine? Everytime I ask her, she’ll always say “maybe we can plan about that next time”. I do not see any possible reason why she’d say “no”. We are legally married so it’s my right to have at least one.

I’m not getting any younger anymore so having kids is what I wanted to have. I do not want to want to force my wife but she should think about it before. Having kids running in the house is my ideal setting at home. Having kids will make a home, a family!

Now, what should be done? We’ve talked about this a lot of times, but still no improvement. I need your help guys! My happiness might be at risk with this. Thanks ahead!

You do not have any right at all to force your wife to have a child or children if she is unsure about that, or if she does not want to. If you definitely want children, and she does not, all you can do is face the fact that you married the wrong woman for you. That's all. Period.

There are lots of couples who choose to be childless and are quite happy about it.

You're confusing facts with opinions.

0 Replies

neptuneblue

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Fri 2 Mar, 2018 05:02 am

@unhappyman43,

You are asking us to tell you somebody is right and somebody is wrong. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. Both of you are right AND both of you are wrong. You state your valid reasons why you want children but not why she doesn't. Seeing only one side doesn't allow for compromise.

Actually, scratch that - you DO want to be told you're right and it's wrong of her to force you to not have the pitter patter of little feet running around. If we heard her side it would be just the opposite, she'd be asking to be told it's ok not to have children when you don't want them.

One of you has to give in. Compromise. See the other side.

And you're not going to be happy until that happens.

There's advantages and disadvantages to having children. It's a life long commitment and there's no going back once a baby is born. It's scary yet wonderful. Babies are messy, expensive and totally reliant on you. They go to school, loose teeth, fail tests, give the best handmade cards made of macaroni, and eventually want your car keys for a Friday night football game. (Don't get too mad at the dents they didn't tell you about) And then they're gone. They've left the nest that you've carefully built through your lifetime.

And now you're left alone with your wife. The person that's stood by you, throughout it all. Time passed by 30 years and you just don't know where the time went.

That's why building a solid relationship now is so important. Getting through the lifetime of ups and downs with somebody who can see the worst side of you and still wants to be there is a fantastic journey.

No one here can tell you what's right and wrong for you or for your wife. All I can say is to enjoy the time you do have alone with her because it goes in the blink of an eye. She hasn't said "no" to kids, she said "not right now." Don't be so impatient to want to change really nasty diapers.

If you feel this is a deal breaker and you demand more of a commitment now from her to have children that she can't/won't give you, you'll have to decide if it's best to part ways. It's not a right or wrong situation, just that the timing was off.

So you decide how your time is spent. Do you want to wait until she's ready, if that ever comes, or do you want to end the marriage now for you to find someone who wants what you do right now? You can find a ready made family with a woman who already has children. Or someone who wants a ton of kids. Or even adopt as a single father.

One final thought. Happiness comes from within, not from your wife or children. Be happy with yourself and the rest follows.

That's alright, none taken. My wife died in 2004 so it's not exactly raw. I was just pointing out that although the scenario you've detailed is true in most cases it's not true for all of us.

To be honest I don't know if my relationship with my kids would be as good as it is now had my wife stayed alive. One advantage to being a single parent is you bring your kids up how you want to, no arguments, and no playing one parent off against the other.

To be honest I don't know if my relationship with my kids would be as good as it is now had my wife stayed alive. One advantage to being a single parent is you bring your kids up how you want to, no arguments, and no playing one parent off against the other.

My mother died aged 45 when I was just 14. She was the nice parent, who (to some extent) made up for my father being a weird bully. After she was gone, he was free, as you say, to run the show, but it did me no good, and we did not speak much for 30 years after I left home at 19.

Sorry to hear about that, my relationship with my dad wasn't that good either. I resolved never to be like that with my kids, whenever conflict arose I'd ask myself how my dad would have dealt with it, and then I did the exact opposite. It worked like a dream

Turns out I was the nice parent, some aspects on my late wife's parenting has only come to light recently, she was a lot freer with her hands than I realised.

I know it is too late now - but did you two talk at all before getting married about what you wanted out of life? What your future plans are, goals?

This would seem a big deal to discuss before you get married - as someone else wrote here - not every married couple wants children. That is not a bad thing - it just is. Some people simply do not like children or may like children but do not want the responsibility to raise one.

I have a couple of questions for you - if your wife does not want a child and you either force her, or she agrees even though her heart is not into it. What type a mother do you think she will be? Would you want someone who does not want a child to raise a child?

Or since you want the child so much, are you planning on being a stay at home dad? Are you going to raise the child and carry most of the responsibility? Otherwise it really is not fair - she doesn't want the child, but yet you expect her to stay at home and raise something she has no desire for?

And what about the poor child? Being subject to a parent that had no desire for him or her. How hard would that be on the child?

You cannot force someone to feel one way or the other - neither is correct; it is simply how you feel - think of how strongly you feel about having a child and now reserve it - she may feel just as strongly as the other way.

This is something that is huge and should have been discussed and agreed upon prior to marriage - but since this is water until the bridge you two need to discuss and decide - if she is holding out and not likely to change and you really want a child - you might have to split.

0 Replies

centrox

1

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Fri 2 Mar, 2018 06:11 am

@izzythepush,

izzythepush wrote:

some aspects on my late wife's parenting has only come to light recently, she was a lot freer with her hands than I realised.

One thing that getting older has taught me is that sometimes it's better if some things only come out later. My father was stationed in South Africa during the war (in the RAF) and while he was there aged 22-24, carried on an affair with a local woman whose husband was away with the South African army fighting Rommel. She was, apparently, the love of his life. One day she told my dad she thought she might be pregnant. My dad told his commanding officer, who said "You're on the next ship back to Britain, which leaves tomorrow, and you are confined to base in the meantime". He could have got in trouble, conduct unbecoming, etc. My dad came back to Britain and later married my mother, but, it seems, she was always second best to him. She never knew about any of this, I think. He only told his brother, whose widow told me and my sister after my dad died in 2014 when he was 94. My sister felt it should be mentioned in the little talk that the vicar gave about his life at the funeral. She just said "His time in South Africa was among the happiest of his life". This was all a bit of a surprise to me, and might have affected me more if I'd known it when I was younger.

0 Replies

unhappyman43

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Fri 2 Mar, 2018 06:20 am

@centrox,

I understand your point

0 Replies

unhappyman43

1

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Fri 2 Mar, 2018 06:21 am

@chai2,

I understand you , okay? I get it. I'll try to understand her.

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unhappyman43

1

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Fri 2 Mar, 2018 06:22 am

@neptuneblue,

thank you so much for your honest opinion. I'll think about it.

0 Replies

jespah

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Fri 2 Mar, 2018 08:27 am

@unhappyman43,

As chai2 said, not every family hopes to have kids. That's not even close to a fact. And having a child isn't somehow your 'right'.

The kid/no kid debate should be an absolute deal breaker in 100% of all cases. I am serious - this is because there is 0% chance of a compromise. One child isn't a compromise for someone who wants none; it's them not getting what they want in the equation. Having no children isn't a compromise for someone who wants at least one; it's them not getting what they want in the equation.

By the way, let's say your wife acquiesces and bears your child. How committed are you to raising this child? And I mean really raising him or her and not just coming home from work, having a short talk and then maybe bathing them or reading to them until they're five or six years old and then not returning to the task until it's time to decide whether to hand out the car keys or meet the boyfriend or girlfriend.

Real parenting - the real, real deal - means tutoring and helping with homework, cleaning (the child and their room and any other messes until the child is able to do such things on his/her own), chauffeuring, meeting the teachers, at times volunteering to do school stuff, caring for them when they are sick (and missing work, often), taking them shopping, getting them to the doctor and dentist, keeping track of their appointments, getting them to do their chores, dealing with their coaches if they play sports, etc. etc. etc.

And that's for a child who grows up with every expectation of growing up well and healthy and becoming independent at some future date. Do you know what having a child with autism entails? How about a child with cystic fibrosis? Or spina bifida? Or Down's Syndrome? Or bipolar disorder? These are still children deserving of love, care, and attention, but there's a lot more work involved. Don't say it's impossible for your child to be this way. We all know someone with a child (or who is themselves) with one or more of any of these conditions. How do you feel about carrying a child who will never walk, or changing a child into their teens and older because they will never be out of diapers? You prepared for a time of watching your child die young, or have suicidal tendencies?

Any of these could very well be your wife's concerns. So instead of pressuring her and making it all about your alleged rights and happiness, why not find out what her perspective is. Having a child goes on way beyond 9 months or even 18 or 21 years. Find out where she stands in all of this, and decide where you stand in all of it as well.

And consider alternatives as well. You can mentor at a local school, at pretty much any grade (and even for older children, to maybe help them find their first jobs). Your area might have a Big Brothers-style program where you can really help a fatherless child in need. Consider how committed you are to any of these programs. Perhaps you can demonstrate a commitment if your wife is on the fence and if that's what is causing her concern. But if you commit to mentoring a child and you only show up once, then that would not help your cause at all in terms of proving responsibility.

0 Replies

Timaeusyahoo

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Fri 9 Mar, 2018 12:25 am

@unhappyman43,

My suggestion is that you often talk with her about the happiness that a kid would bring to a family. Try to imagine the warm scenes when you and her play with your baby. Maybe that can arouse her maternal instinct and change her mind.
If that doesn't work, would you mind adopting a baby? You may discuss with her about that.

You honestly think describing playing with a baby you don’t want is going to make you want one?

You’re quite insane.

0 Replies

jespah

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Fri 9 Mar, 2018 08:47 am

@Timaeusyahoo,

Sure, because playing with a kid is 99% of what happens.

This is only true if you count diaper changes, disciplining, getting them to do chores, helping with homework, chauffeuring, dealing with medical care and appointments, battling (at times) over clothing and hairstyle choices all to be play. And it's only true if babies are magically wonderful creatures all the time, even when they've got **** up their backs.

Lots of people love children and would give anything to have one or ten. And those people should seriously consider adoption. It's a fantastic situation all around.

But an adopted child isn't some 'starter child'. You don't get to give him or her back when you're through or it's not fun anymore, or when the rubber meets the road and things are expensive or heartbreaking or even dangerous.

Anyone with half a brain - and even people who live and die by their children and think they're neater than sliced bread - is well aware that those warm and happy family scenes happen because of a ton of stuff behind the scenes. Many families may only take pictures on birthdays and Christmas, but that doesn't mean that's what life is like for them all of the time or even 1/100 of the time. For every warm and happy family scene, there are hundreds of scenes of signing permission slips, driving, etc.

You have the right to be happy... if you want to have children, you should have children. You can't force your wife to have children, of course. But, you have options.

- There is always divorce if you married the wrong woman. If you get a divorce before you have children, the process is considerably easier and cheaper.

- There is compromise if you want to keep your marriage. If having children is important to you, maybe you can address your wife's fears, or ask for a time frame. You shouldn't give up on your needs; that isn't what marriage is about.

- You can have a child with any willing woman. You don't have to be married to them.

- The idea that one spouse should give up their dreams for the other spouse isn't healthy. If you want to have children, you should have them.