The iMan, due to be shipped starting November, are healthy, smart, charismatic, athletic and completely dreamy men whose primary goal in life is to please their ladies.

“It helps that the iMan models are also good-looking,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook at the launch, much to the delight of the mostly female audience. “Just like any other Apple product, we’ve made sure that the iMan is something you’d be proud parading around and displaying while you sip your lattes.”

The first-generation smart man joins the barrage of hyper-innovative smart phones, smart tablets and smart wearables that analysts say would not only satiate the hunger of Apple fans around the world who have been waiting for ‘the next big thing’, but also serve to boost the company’s performance after losing ground to rivals Samsung and new entries from China.

Pinching the pecs of one iMan on stage to display the absurdly handsome features of the shiny product, Cook said that each iMan was designed to the strict specifications of what women look for in the idea of a ‘perfect man’.

“Of course, what each woman want in men might be different, so we approached the iMan design with a mixture of top-of-the-line core features, plus unparalleled customisation.

“The iMan comes in the standard peak age-range of 25- to 40-years old, but you can have your iMan in white, black, beige, pale, brown or anything in between. You can pretty much custom-order your iMan to be of any ethnicity and skin colour. Heck, you can even order your smart-man to resemble almost any handsome celebrity — we’ve got a template of over 1,500 hot men from around the world,” said Cook, adding jokingly that he may be on the list too.

Other than being super smart, considerate and good natured as being standard, the iMan comes in three variants, the iMan ‘e’, ‘b’ and ‘m’.

“The ‘e’ stands for ’emo’,” said Cook. “This variant has high sensitivity and emotional intelligence quotient, so expect this iMan to understand your every feeling. We designed this model for women who seek an emotional equal. You can chat about virtually anything all night long and he won’t turn into a zombie like most regular guys do.

“The ‘b’ model is all about brains. Some women are stimulated by highly intelligent men, so this variant, while still being completely wonderful as a life partner, will thrill you with his genius mind. However, to avoid this iMan to turn into a total geek or smart aleck that might turn you off, you can adjust the iMan b’s intelligence setting, between ‘Top Student’ to ‘Stephen Hawking’.

“The ‘m’ model in the meantime, focuses on machismo,” Cook added, flexing his own arm muscles. “This iMan is all about brawn and strength, yet still retaining the sensitivity of your dream man.

“Think of it as your personal Hercules in touch with his feminine side.”

Cook said that the iMan, with prices starting at US$499, comes with 20 hours of battery life, depending on usage. “We’re working to extend the active time of each iMan of course, but if you think about it, the iMan is still better than a regular man who typically needs 8 hours of sleep every day. It’s an ongoing innovation process.

“Additionally, we’re working to add more features to future models, such as the ability to make money and be nice to in-laws. So while currently you’d have to pay for his meals and sustain his lifestyle, iMan 2 will be completely self-reliant, and may even support your household income.”

KUALA LUMPUR — The movie ‘Godzilla’, which opened early today was relaunched under a new title to comply with a new law requiring all creative, entertainment and cultural products to be more positive and heartwarming, as well as more sensitive and safer for the Malaysian audience.

The science-fiction action feature film, based on a Japanese TV series about a giant reptile running amuck in Tokyo, became the first creative product to be affected by the Harmonious and Positive Element in Entertainment (HAPEE) act, which falls under the purview of the Information Department of the Malaysian Information and Communication Ministry. The act, unanimously passed by Parliament in February, stipulates that any entertainment product, be it broadcast, printed, published online or performed live to the general Malaysian public, must not contain any element which are deemed negative, harmful to society or disrespectful to Malaysian values and sensitivities.

When contacted, Ministry spokesperson Pn. Laminah Gastono said that the movie was retitled ‘Go-zilla’ to “refocus the movie on the positive values such as being a ‘go-getter’ and reflects ‘constant improvement’ attitude”.

BEFORE & AFTER: The new, more positive and happier Go-zilla poster shows love, joy and intact buildings, compared to the depressing and violence-ridden original

“The relaunched movie retains much of the original content, with most of the action sequences and dialogues largely untouched,” said Laminah. “The HAPEE editing committee is very much aware that Malaysian viewers are mature and can form logical, sensible decisions based on educated opinions. As such, we only edited around 45 per cent of the film, which contains aggression, violence, swearing, sexual innuendos, judgmental connotations, insulting barbs or negative elements that may cause fear and provoke certain audience members to react adversely.

“Our concern is the mental wellbeing of the Malaysian audience. Heaven knows we’re already being bombarded by so much negativity in the media every day, with bad news making the headlines with gory pictures turning our stomachs. We look to entertainment products such as movies, TV shows and songs to feel better, so the job of regulators is to ensure that the entertainment is truly positive, heartwarming and provides harmonious good feeling.”

Laminah added that HAPEE is an improved version of the censorship policy it replaces, both in spirit and in the tools used.

“The censorship regulation used previously only covered certain aspects of entertainment and applied varying standards for different products. As a result, we saw many cases of inconsistencies: some movies ended up showing too much negativity, while some others got butchered unnecessarily. And we also saw different treatments received by TV shows, movies, concerts and such, thanks to different entities handling each product. HAPEE happily takes over the role for all creative entertainment and edu-tainment products.

“And as for tools, we are also a lot more creative in protecting the eyes and ears of the Malaysian audience,” added Laminah. “Thanks to a robust new technology developed in-house, we no longer have to rely only on cutting, blurring or pixellating sexy scenes and bleeping curse words. We can now replace offensive elements with wholesome, family-friendly ones automatically, and even rewrite the storyline to be more healthy,” she said, before demonstrating the new, always smiling Go-zilla trudging around New York while meowing and purring like a kitten, spreading love and well-wishes all around.

Laminah also stated that Godzilla was the perfect movie to be the pioneer HAPEE-certified product.

“First of all, we replace the first syllable with ‘Go’, because as you know, the word is a sensitive one in Malaysia. To remove any possibility of anyone being confused between a giant reptile and a religious term, we decided that it was better to change it altogether. And what better way than to change it to such a positive, forward-thinking and innovative word such as ‘Go’! Always moving, always improving!

“We’ve also made sure that upon watching this film, the audience will feel nothing but happiness, joy and benign sentiments. Even the soundtrack has been automatically edited — the fear- and suspense-inducing parts have been replaced with tunes from popular children’s nursery rhymes,” adding that the Incy Wincy Spider song was her personal favourite. “In the end, no city gets destroyed, nobody dies, no fear is felt and absolutely no guns were fired — nay, even appears — in Go-zilla. Everyone lives happily ever after.”

Laminah said that the HAPEE committee is already in the process of editing a few films, TV shows and performances slotted to be released in the coming weeks and months.

“The X-Men: Days of Future Past will have all its negativity removed and edited. We find that ‘X’ has negative connotations, implying a ‘No’, so we’re changing that to a ‘Yes’. And since our committee finds ‘Days of Future Past’ is rather confusing, we’re editing that too,” she said proudly, adding that thanks to the HAPEE committee’s efficiency and technology, ‘Yes-Men: Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow’ will open in theatres as scheduled on May 22. “So, without spoiling the plot, I say: do look forward to a positive, happy, conflict-less, non-mutated character-filled tale of love and remembrance of history.

“And while we’re talking about history, HAPEE will also revisit all the creative works already available in Malaysia, including those targeted to children,” added Laminah.

“Has anyone realised how violent children’s fairy tales and nursery rhymes are? In almost every one, somebody gets injured, maimed or brutally killed! Hansel & Gretel — death and cannibalism. Jack & Jill — horrific and bloody accident while climbing up the hill. Humpty Dumpty — broken limbs and certain death after falling off a wall. What insanity is all this? I suppose they are a reflection of the sad, angry old war-mongering days of our feudal ancestors.

LOS ANGELES — Phillip Phillips, the season 11 American Idol winner said that with the recording contract he’ll sign and consequential high income he’ll command, he’d finally be able to buy his own first name, after having to borrow his family’s surname as his first name for the last 22 years.

GOODBYE, ‘PHILLIP’: American Idol winner Phillip Phillips (left) with fellow finalist Jessica Sanchez at the final show

“When my folks had me, they were just fresh out of college, starting out their lives so they couldn’t afford to get me a real first name,” said Phillips, gesturing towards his proud parents sitting in the audience after the announcement was made on Wednesday night that he had beaten fellow Idol finalist, Jessica Sanchez. “The choices were limited then — they could either borrow, beg or steal a first name for me, so they decided to borrow from the family. Of course I don’t hold anything against them for it, things were tough back then,” he added, blowing a kiss to his mother.

“Now the first thing I’ll do when I get my recording contract advanced payment is to walk over to the National Registration Department and get my own name. I can’t wait to say goodbye to my pseudonym, Phillip,” said Phillips, reflecting on the difficult years in school being teased for having the same first and surnames. “I mean, Phillip is a wonderful name. But the fact that it’s just borrowed from a last name, that’s kinda taken the good vibe out of it. I felt like I was ordinary. It was tough. I had only one friend throughout high school who sympathised with my predicament, I’ve always wished for the day when I could change it.

“This win’s for you, Michael Michaels. We did it, buddy!” yelled Phillips into the camera, wiping tears from his cheeks.

Phillips continued, “It was bad enough to be called ‘stutter name’ or ‘carbon copy kid’. When I tried to alleviate the problem by just using my initials ‘PP’, they called me ‘PeePee’. I was traumatised.”

Fellow finalist Jessica Sanchez said that while she was disappointed that she didn’t win the show, she was inspired by Phillips’ success story. “I know how hard it is having a borrowed name — for a few years my best friend in school was stuck with the name Willow Willows. Fortunately in senior year, her parents bought her the first name ‘Wendy’, so she could start over her life. But not everyone was as lucky to have been able to afford a new name.

“Despite his handicap, Phillip proved that he could break through the discrimination and social stigma. I can’t think of a better person to beat me in the show. Congratulations!” said Sanchez, hugging Phillips.

Phillips said that he hopes to finalise his name purchase and registration before he releases his first album. “It would be a good start to my career. Yes, my fans and the American Idol voters know me as Phillip Phillips, but I don’t think having a different first name will affect their support.

“Artistes change their names constantly, and their fans didn’t leave them. Look at The-Artiste-Formerly-Known-As-Prince-Then-Changed-Into-A-Squiggly-Symbol-And-Now’s-Back-As-Prince. He still sells records. It’s all about the music.”

Asked what his new first name would be, Phillip Phillips admitted that he had not finalised his choice as yet, having been tied up with winning the show and all. “Honestly I haven’t been able to lock in to one name, I’ve got a few choices flying in my head,” he said, apparently overwhelmed by the turn of events. “I’d need to think about this carefully, my first name will determine my career success,” he stated, seriously.

“I’ve always liked ‘Alejandro’ and ‘Maximillian’. My folks did want to name me ‘Benjamin’ when I was born, but they couldn’t afford it. So maybe I’ll use all three.

DEPTHS OF HELL — The Devil today issued an official denial that he wears any item made by luxury brand, Prada, as implied in the book “The Devil Wears Prada” and movie of the same name.

In a strongly-worded denial made at a Press conference, the Prince of Doom said that he was disturbed that the writers of the fictional story misrepresented him, hurting his already somewhat negative public image.

THE DEVIL: Sensible fashion sense

“I’ll have everyone know that I’m a pretty sensible and practical guy,” said the Lord of Darkness, referring to his fashion sense and shopping principles. “Where do I go to get my clothes? Not high street, for sure. Prada, Gucci and all that are a tad too flashy for me. I’m a Reject Shop and FOS kind of fellow. The max I’d go for would be Marks & Spencer, and I keep that kind of frivilous spending to a minimum of once every couple of months.

“You can check my wardrobe if you want.”

The Devil, who goes by many different names including Lucifer, El Diablo, Satan, Beelzebub, Iblis, Mammon and Suzanne, said that he was dismayed at the lack of respect for his image painstakingly built since he fell from God’s grace.

“I consider myself a pretty consistent fella,” he said. “I may be evil, damned and all, but one thing I’ve never been is flashy and frivilous. I’ve always had this understated style which I began developing a long time ago.

“Besides, being damned and falling from grace don’t get you up high in the priority list when considering budgets. The good guys always get the biggest cut of the pie, and folks like me have to make do with what little leftover pittance we get from HQ. So I can’t exactly afford paying four figures just for a shirt.”

The Devil also added that being in hell affects his choices when it comes to attires.

“Look, I work in a less-than-hospitable environment,” he said, in reference to the fire and brimstone-laden pits filled with decaying souls of the damned. “So for me, it’s not so important to have bling-blings and snazzy designs as opposed to having good heat resistant materials wrapping my body. The ‘breathable fabric developed by Nike last year was pretty good, but it went up in flames the moment I stepped out of my door to get to work.

“That was an embarrassing moment, being naked and all.”

Asked why he didn’t bring this up earlier, when the book was released or the movie, starring Anne Hathaway and Meryl Streep, was released in 2004, the Devil responded that he didn’t mind, until he saw someone’s Facebook update saying that “if the Devil wears Prada, then I wanna be in Hell too!”.

“That was it for me,” said Lucifer, sadly. “I didn’t mind some humans having fun with my name and using some creative license in their fictional work. But when people start believing that life’s all good in Hell, that it’s just a big party with everyone in branded clothes, I had to say ‘Enough!’ It’s a gross misrepresentation of reality, and I take great offence in it!” he said, pounding his flaming fist against a brimstone wall.

“But don’t get me wrong,” he added. “I loved Meryl Streep in the movie, and if I were to appear in a female human form, she’d be a great role model.

JAKARTA — Indonesian David Gurnani, 25, who last week took home US$100,000 and a car after shedding more than half his bodyweight, from 157kg to merely 74kg, in the first Asian version of popular weight-loss reality show Biggest Loser, has completely disappeared from the face of the planet after continuing with his diet and workout routine, finally losing the other half.

ULTIMATE LOSER ASIA: David Gurnani before the show, at the finale and now

Speaking from his family home, Gurnani’s weightless spirit said that winning the show inspired him to continue his maniacal quest to lose weight, which he started at the beginning on the show late last year.

“Winning the show was initially my goal,” said Gurnani, warmly referred to as ‘King David’ on the show, as his invisible aura floated above the sofa in the living room. “But after losing so much of my body weight and fat right before the finale, I discovered a new, more confident me. The 100 grand wasn’t the point anymore, nor was the car. The point was the weight loss. I realised I could shed as much weight as I wanted, and it was then that I wanted to go all the way.

Reducing his already spartan daily intake of water, air and one raisin, Gurnani decided to cut the water and raisin, after learning each raisin had 2 calories and water retention could impair his weight loss plans.

“In the beginning, it was hard,” Gurnani admitted. “After my weight dropped to 5kg, I could not even lift what was left of my finger. I could feel the weight of my bones and skin holding me down.

“But after thinking about my ultimate goal, which is to be weight-free, I somehow garnered this amazing strength to move about and continue with my routine,” he said, adding that the largest organ on a human body was the skin, and for him, most problematic to shed.

“Having achieved zero-fat and zero-muscle mass content, I was left with my skin, whose weight I thought would be impossible to lose,” said the now ethereal being softly, as he struggled to keep steady what with the ceiling fan being on at half speed. “However, I discovered an ingenius way to shed it — by baking myself in the hot sun. After a full day, my skin became so flaky and dusty, it literally broke apart and fell off!” said Gurnani gleefully, his laughter freakishly echoing around the room.

“And then there was my skeleton,” he continued, voice cracking. “I thought, now, if I were to wait until my skeleton vanishes, it would take forever. I couldn’t wait that long — I mean, look at the ice man remains and the Egyptian mummies!

“So I was left with two choices: either I self destruct by cremating whatever’s left of my body, or I eat myself into oblivion. Seeing that cremating still leaves ashes behind, which still weighs a few grammes, I decided on the latter.

“After consuming my own bones from my toes to the very tip of my skull, I finally became absolutely nothing. I am now zero weight.”

Asked how life has changed after achieving his ultimate goal, Gurnani said that he has now transcended into a whole new level of being.

“I have no physical limits, really. Having removed physicality from the equation, I am pure energy. A zero-fat, zero-weight energy. If light had weight, I wouldn’t have a problem either, as I am now also completely invisible,” he explained, soaring across the room freely.

“Having realised my ultimate dream, I feel no more pressure. I have absolutely nothing more to lose. I feel as if this burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

“That is, if I had shoulders,” he ended the interview, laughing happily.

PALO ALTO, CA — Facebook, Inc, the firm that owns and operates Facebook, the most used social network by worldwide monthly active users, today announced that the latest change in layout and functionality was designed to piss their users off.

“We were honestly getting tired of having too many members,” said Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckeberg at a Press Conference held at the company headquarters. “So we’ve been trying very, very hard to discourage new members from signing up, and make it as hard as possible for current members to go about Facebooking.”

“‘Facebooking’? Is there such a word?” asked Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook COO. “Oh well, you’re the founder, I guess you can coin whatever term you want,” she continued, laughing.

Among the notable changes introduced to the site, which brings the company an estimated US$300 million a year, were the re-positioning of the ‘Home’ and ‘Profile’ menu bars, as well as the introduction of new and completely irrelevant icons representing ‘Notification’, ‘Messages’ and ‘Friend Request’. Mostly used applications like games, which appeared at the bottom panel on every Facebook page, now only appears on the ‘Home’ page, on the left column. The Boring Blue theme colour remains unchanged.

ZUCKERBERG: Hopes the new UI will piss people off royally

“We’ve tried so many ways to get rid of users, from introducing different settings that don’t mean anything, to bugging them with annoying apps,” said Zuckerbeg. “What we found was that the best way to piss people off is to change the User Interface (UI) so often, they get confused.”

“Hell, I’m kinda confused with the new layout, bro,” Sandberg interjected. “I was looking for the notification thingy on the bottom left of the screen and it wasn’t there. An hour later I chanced upon it, right by our logo. Impressive.”

“We’ve pissed our users off before,” said Zuckerberg, noting that the last time they changed the UI last year, Facebook’s hotline email was flooded with irrate complaints. “We lost a few thousand members, who decided to go to MySpace and other inferior social network sites. This time around, we aim to lose at least 30 per cent of our 350 million active members.

“We’re just simply tired of all this success,” said the 25-year-old, said to be worth around US$2 billion. “They say ‘money can’t buy happiness’, well I have to second that. Now I spend my days lazing about, doing nothing interesting.

“I just wish I was dirt poor again, before Facebook changed all that. I was happier.”

“On that note, I hope our latest move doesn’t backfire,” said Sandberg. “We’ve had reports of some people being happy with the new UI. Imagine that. Despite all our efforts to spit on their faces, they keep on coming back for more. What the fuck is wrong with them?”

“There’ll always be some sort of masochistic individuals out there, dude,” replied Zuckerberg.

“Maybe we’ll need to start charging them for every status change or photo upload. Then maybe these suckers will stop coming to our site. A buck for a status update, and maybe five bucks for a superpoke.”

“We can’t do that, Mark,” said Sandberg. “We’re trying to get rid of them because we’re making too much money. Charging ’em will just bring us even more money!

“Facebook has become a monster,” added Zuckerberg, sadly. “People are spending more time on it than on real life or doing work. Our creation is slowly eroding productivity everywhere, and has destroyed countless lives,” he said, referring to the divorces caused by inter-Facebook affairs and careless Facebook comments which have led to people being embarrassed, and even fired from their jobs.

“We hope people will get pissed off and leave us. We’re praying so. But there’s only so much we can do.”

LOS ANGELES — Pop superstar Michael Jackson woke up as an average person today, in what die-hard fans are calling a ‘tragedy’. Jackson, the global icon for music child prodigy who coloured the industry with his unconventional behaviours and life-choices, began his day with an average breakfast of corn flakes and coffee, and proceeded with doing actual chores normally reserved for normal people, which included grocery shopping, paying bills and catching a movie at the local cineplex with buddies.

“I don’t know, really. I just woke up and suddenly had this clarity of thought: despite my abnormal childhood, extraordinary career and out-of-this-world path in life, I can be normal,” said Jackson while queueing up at the check-out counter at a supermarket. “It’s amazing. All my life, I just wanted to be normal, a regular guy with regular things to do, with no paparazzi chasing me or journalists writing about every single thing I do. Lo and behold, I wake up, and I’m perfectly normal!”

The former King of Pop, who started singing with his brothers in The Jackson 5 at the tender age of 11, said that upon living a normal life, he realised how much normalcy he’s missed out.

“Oh my God, I feel so blessed,” Jackson said, as he gave a VISA credit card to the cashier after being told his Amex had maxxed out. “All these things which the average people experience and probably take for granted… I’m experiencing for the first time — and it feels good! I’m like a virgin Average Joe!”

Jackson, who turned 50 last year, is arguably the most successful entertainer in the world, with 13 Grammy Awards and over 750 million albums sold worldwide. His distinctive musical sound and vocal style influenced hip hop, pop and contemporary R&B artistes. However, his great legacy had been marred in the later part of his career due to allegations of him displaying behaviours most people would consider strange, like keeping a pet chimpanzee and having macabre items in his collection, like the remains of The Elephant Man, the 19th-Century London man who gained infamy from his severe deformity. Most recently, he has again attracted the wrong kind of attention with child sexual abuse charges (of which he was acquitted) and the forced auction of his property, Neverland Ranch, to pay off his mounting debts.

Jackson filling up gas on his own

“All that is behind me now,” said Jackson happily, as he pumps gasoline into his Ford SUV, a regular mode of transportation among average family men of his age. “The scandals, controversies and negative representations — they are all but fleeting memories of an abnormal past. I’m just a normal guy now, trying to eke a living and survive the current economic crisis.

“Oh Lord, I love the smell of fresh gasoline!” he exclaimed.

Response from fans and industry players have been mixed. While some hail the new normal Michael Jackson as a breath of fresh air, some say it’s just not natural.

“The Gloved One cannot be normal,” said Patrick Hilden, 45, president of the Michael Jackson Fan Club of North America (MJFCNA). “His whole being is about being abnormal, so that is normal for him. To have him behaving like the rest of us normal folk — well, that’s just abnormal!” he retorted, angrily. Hilden said that the fan club is considering all options to force the superstar to revert to his old, ‘Wacko Jacko’ self again. “If we have to sue his ass off to get him to be him again, so be it. I mean, what next? Madonna wanting to be a born-again virgin? It’s not right!”

Jennifer Olfis, president of the competing Michael Jackson fan club, the Guild of Michael Jackson Hard-Core Fans (GMJHCF), looked at the situation from a different perspective. “I think it’s good for him; he certainly deserves normalcy after all these years of weirdness.

“He’s given the world so much, and I think he should at least be able to enjoy his later years as a regular guy,” said Olfis. “The other fan club’s reaction to this is typical — Those losers are really more interested in their own strange obsession with MJ, unlike us, who really care about our idol and what’s good for him,” she said, referring to MJFCNA’s stance.

Allan Shapiro, senior music executive at a leading Hollywood label, said that Jackson’s latest transformation would not effect the industry much, referring to the pop star as a ‘spent force’. “Michael who? Oh, him. Whatever.”

Jackson, when told about those different reactions, didn’t seem too perturbed.

Jackson catching a flick with his new buds

“Why would any of that bother a regular guy like me?” he asked as he enjoyed a McValue Meal at a local McDonald’s. “They can argue all they want, I’ll just continue enjoying my new average life. There’s so much more to discover about being normal, I’ve heard so much about it, like getting stuck in a traffic jam or being harrassed by a rude neighbour. I’m so pumped!

“I’m catching a movie at a regular theatre afterwards with some new buddies I made at the corner bar. It’ll be amazing! Pop corns, screaming kids in the front row, couples making out at the back — Wow!”

Jackson told the media that he will be auctioning off all his strange paraphernalia, like his gold-plated military-style jacket he donned in his ‘Bad’ music video and various antiques he mindlessly purchased during his many shopping sprees, to raise funds for “all the normal people in need out there”.