Tim Tebow draws ire of Jesus’s lawyers

Baxter McLoveMay 26, 2012 6:35 PM

New York--In a shocking move this weekend, lawyers for Jesus H. Christ have sent a cease and desist letter to Tim Tebow, who they claim is illegally using the name of the Son of God to sell products indirectly.

Tebow, the former Heisman Trophy winner, is well known for his exploits on the football field. In college he won two NCAA Championships with the University of Florida. Last year with the Denver Broncos he helped the team make an improbable run to the AFC playoffs. It's Tebow's supposed exploitation of Christ, though, that has Christ's lawyers up in arms. They believe Jesus gives Tebow his distinct brand. Without him, they say, Tebow wouldn't be selling underwear, sports drinks, or shoes made by Indonesian teenagers.

"Mr. Tebow," reads one part of the letter, "Your brand, to a significant degree, depends on millions of Evangelical Christians who have an unhealthy emotional attachment to your success. Through your incessant use of our client's name in post-game interviews without his expressed written permission and your relentless and repetitive public displays of overt invocation in the name of our client--this has recently been described publicly as "Tebowing"--you have contrived an image that, for all intents and purposes, mistakenly gives the impression that our client endorses you; in turn, and through implication, this impression has allowed you to profit extensively through contracts with FRS Healthy Performance, EA Sports, Nike, and Jockey, among others. Our client, in fact, neither endorses these products nor your behavior. Further, our client specificly abhors ads similar to that in which you are shirtless, shoeless, and frolicking in a field with a mustang."

The letter, obtained exclusively and inadvertently by IAOFM's Baxter McLove, during a two-week undercover investigation into Tebow's fascination with Cirque Du Soleil, "Rock of Ages", and karaoke bars, portrays Christ as frustrated, angry, and even hurt by Tebow's actions. In another part of the letter, Christ's lawyers write:

"Mr. Christ does not wear a headset. Your insistence to the contrary is blasphemous. Your lack of understanding as to how a headset destroys activator --and the maintenance of long and curly hair in general--is incredulous."

What seems to have particularly irritated Christ, according to his lawyers, though, is Tebow's contract with Jockey:

"Mr. Christ prefers Fruit of the Loom, for obvious biblical reasons. The fact that you and Jockey have profited extensively from a pseudo-Christian form of capitalism implied by your continued reference to our client's act of rising from the dead on the same day the Easter bunny dispenses copious amounts of chocolate to America's youth, is both offensive and shows a utter disdain for Warren Buffett and Berkshire Hathaway, the holding company for Fruit of the Loom; even worse, you are patently incorrect on the facts: Fruit of the Loom provides comfort and support throughout an entire day of proselytizing. Our client should know, Mr. Tebow. He practically invented it."

The high-profile law firm of Silverstein, Goldberg, Cohen & Associates, at first glance, seems like an odd match for Christ, but when IAOFM reached Christ for comment on Saturday afternoon, he dismissed the idea, saying, "Jews. Gentiles. Whatever. These guys are the best. They are like pit bulls. Billable hours mean nothing to the Son of God."

Jesus's lawyers end the letter with the unequivocal demand that Tebow stop promoting himself in their client's name:

"We request that you immediately cease and desist using our client's name, image, the Lamb of God, and little fish symbols to promote yourself, your handlers, and your brother's money-generating machine; further, surcease presently your literal interpretation of the book of Genesis, our client's works, and lastly, an uncomfortable brand of boxer briefs. Failure to do so may result in further legal action, or at the very least, the embarassment of being beaten out by Mark Sanchez, who probably wears leather pants."

Tebow and his representative weren't available for comment, but as of Saturday afternoon, no legal action was being taken by either side.

Undies...talent? Nah. Funny? Hell yes. Still wondering what the heck is up with the profile name and pic of yours.

Posted by John Tomasik on 2012-05-29 16:37:46

John, if you see talent in what Baxter just wrote, than I must be the Pope.

Posted by Underwear on 2012-05-29 15:32:02

Really? Hmm.

By the way, what's with the profile name and unsettling pic? Kinda creepy....

Posted by John Tomasik on 2012-05-29 12:37:16

Well you must've eaten a lot over the weekend. I'm woefully disappointed with their lack of representation in the comments.

Posted by Kell_C on 2012-05-29 10:08:29

Baxter, this is by far the STUPIDEST thing I have ever read on this site. Your attempt at being funny was incredibly unsuccessful to say the least. It's jealous fools like yourself that have to mock Christianity/Tebow in some kind of attempt to make yourself feel better. I'm not really sure where they found you from, but please, go back to playing video games, it's obvious that you have no talent whatsoever.

Posted by Underwear on 2012-05-29 06:16:04

Jesus Saves!!!

(but Gretsky used to get the rebound and score....)

Posted by John Tomasik on 2012-05-28 22:43:28

I wonder how Thor Feels that the Vikings use his image? And with Purple! That's gotta grind his grits!

Posted by Jon Tollerud on 2012-05-27 12:18:09

I once one an Emmy. I just can't remember the year.

Posted by Baxter McLove on 2012-05-27 11:27:10

I plan on stalking Roger Goodell for my next story. Be sure to check back....if you dare.

I once met Loki during a drunken stupor. He was rather subdued, and oddly enough, strikingly handsome.

Posted by Baxter McLove on 2012-05-27 11:24:14

Mr. Netto,

I raise my Bloody Mary to you on this fine LA day.

Posted by Baxter McLove on 2012-05-27 11:22:23

I eat zombies for brunch.

Posted by Baxter McLove on 2012-05-27 11:22:00

Top o' the mornin' to ya. According to my contract with IAOFM, you must mean TJ Johnson. I saw him once when Doug, Ted, and TJ came to LA to recruit me. He can't hold his liquor like a man, let me just clue you into that. I had to blow my cover on the whole undercover incident once this story broke. That's how Baxter rolls. He goes with the story.

Posted by Baxter McLove on 2012-05-27 11:20:56

Funny, and, like all good satire, gets at a bit of truth. As Abraham Lincoln put it:"Our task should not be to invoke religion and the name of God by claiming God's blessing and endorsement for all our national policies and practices, saying, in effect, that God is on our side. Rather, we should pray and worry earnestly whether we are on God's side."

Posted by bradley on 2012-05-27 07:30:29

The Onion's got nothing on The Dude.

Posted by jayrockstone on 2012-05-27 06:15:28

brilliant piece of satire, nicely done.

Posted by Charles Netto on 2012-05-27 02:35:14

epic

Posted by Kell_C on 2012-05-26 23:51:27

I would love to read some of those Krieger and Paige letters

Posted by Jonathan Futa on 2012-05-26 22:20:46

TJ,

I wish anybody would have read my blog, NFLampoon. It was much in the spirit of Baxter. But more often than not, it generated disinterest and hate mail.

Hang tough with it, dude. This is definately the place to pull it off. You are naturally gifted in that department., even if a bunch of clueless a-holes conspire to break your spirit. I even got hate mail from Krieger and Paige.

Posted by drewthorn on 2012-05-26 21:21:52

so effing funny.

Posted by Jenny Jackson on 2012-05-26 21:18:22

I thought that was Al Davis?!

Posted by Slouch Smith on 2012-05-26 20:38:29

Awesome

Posted by jvill on 2012-05-26 20:25:29

Reminds me of when Satan's lawyers had to get a restraining order taken out against Belichick for his incessant stalking of the dark one.

Posted by Bobby Theologis on 2012-05-26 19:11:59

Baxter, I commend you for taking time away from the scotch and the ladies to produce this important piece of investigative journalism. The stache never lies. I smell a Putzier.... er, Pulitzer.