How I May Have Made Things Worse For Tom Cruise

Over the weekend, I was contacted by actor Tom Cruise. He told me he needed someone who could write a persuasive letter, one that could talk his wife, Katie Holmes, out of going through with her plans for divorce. I told him I hadn’t heard anything about these plans and to please double-check his information. After a long talk, he asked if I would ghost-write such a letter. I told him the idea sounded terrifying but I would do it for him. Unfortunately, Mr. Cruise was anything but pleased with my work. Below is the letter I wrote on his behalf. Tom Cruise’s notes are in parenthesis, in bold)

Dear Katie Holmes (you don’t need to put her last name, this is my wife)

It’s me, Tom Cruise, (you don’t need to tell her who it’s from, it’s on the envelope) from Top Gun! (I’m her husband, she doesn’t need a movie reference to figure out who I am) How are you? I am fine. (I am not fine, I’m going through a divorce)

A little bird told me that you want a divorce (her divorce lawyer told me, not some ‘little bird.’ You need to find a stronger, more somber way of putting this). When I heard the news, it reminded me of my movie Terminator (I was not in Terminator) where the guy gets his heart ripped out, only in this scenario, it’s like you’re the Terminator and I’m one of the guys who helped build the movie set. (wouldn’t I be like the guy who had his heart ripped out? This simile makes absolutely no sense)

I only have one question. What? (don’t you mean why?)

Is it because I’m a Christian Scientist? (Scientologist!) Is it because I’ve been spending too much time in the lab doing my science experiments? (this is NOT what Scientologists OR Christian Scientists do for that matter) Is it because of that one time when you woke up to an explosion and you went down to the basement and all of your Bunsen burners and beakers were shattered and there were chicken feathers everywhere and I just looked at you smiled, shrugged and started laughing. (you can’t just make up things that never happened to us!) I’m going to replace all of that stuff. I just need to finish saving up the money (I have plenty of money!)

Shouldn’t we at least wait until our daughter Suri is born (she was already born!)

Remember that scene in Mission Impossible where the guy gets lowered down on those bungee cords into that vault thing and he ends up getting what he was looking for? That was me! (what does this have to do with anything!)

Finally, I have made out with many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many women in my many films (she doesn’t need to be reminded of this!) and I have to say, you are definitely in the top 5 (this is not a compliment!) if you don’t include my recent film ‘Rock of Ages’ (idiot!)

In conclusion, (you’ve already written ‘finally’ in the last paragraph) you can pick out where we go on vacation this year, if I can pick out where we go on vacation next year. (that’s not what this was about!)

Later Gator, (not appropriate)

Tommy (Tom) Cruise (last name again, not necessary)

(Tim, this letter accomplished almost none of the goals we had discussed. I’m going to have to go with a different writer. Please do not send this)

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About Tim Kochenderfer

Tim Kochenderfer is a published and internationally produced playwright and humor writer, as well as a ten time Emmy award winning TV producer. His 22 plays have been performed in every state and in almost 20 countries.
For more of his work:
http://www.playscripts.com/author.php3?authorid=82
http://www.brookpub.com/default.aspx?pg=ab&afn=Tim&aln=Kochenderfer
http://www.cracked.com/members/tim-kochenderfer_contributor
Contact: timkochenderfer@yahoo.com

OK – I knew I recognized your name…but I couldn’t figure it out. I used to work at WNEM. I went to college and high school with your boss. Give Tim my best regards, will you? Wow. Small world. Yes, I’m at Newspath!