the curse word annex of amymauk.com

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Well, Clarice? Have the lambs stopped screaming?

Readers, I have also noticed the silence. For days, I trolled my stash of possible blog topics and old, unpublished blogs in search of something meaningful to say. I poked around my brain, looking for something that’s been gnawing at me. I came up with a lot of things. I wrote about them. Unfortunately, they were all so mind-bogglingly bitchy that I can’t let you see any of them. One was titled “Open Letter to a Friend’s Douchey Boyfriend.” The horror.

Others are mind-bogglingly emo.

A couple of them were poetry. POETRY, for Christ’s sake. That’s when you know I’ve reach a level 10 brainlock: I give up paragraphs and start writing in pretentiously-indented, metaphor-laced sentence fragments.

There are plenty of things bouncing around in my brain, making me think about them in some attempt to figure them out. Problem is, I haven’t figured out any of them. If I had a resolution, I’d give you that, wrapped up in a pretty bow, accompanied by a lesson. I don’t have that. In fact, my one big decision on the things in my head has been to make no decision at all.

Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in wondering what someone else’s deal is that we neglect to decide our OWN deal. One day, you wake up and realize that you’re sitting around letting other people tell you how things are going to be and you haven’t even bothered to state your own bargaining terms. You probably haven’t stated your bargaining terms because you were willing to accept whatever was thrown down to you. I assume I don’t need to point out how fucked that is. Sometimes, the problem isn’t getting what you want. Sometimes, the problem is knowing what you want.

As for everything else and possible blogs that AREN’T about things torturing me (and what fun is that?), I haven’t come up with much. There’s so much actual activity going on that conversations about purely hypothetical things don’t happen. Or maybe they ARE happening and I’m just too distracted by myself to notice.

It’s not so much a time of “decide what you want.”

It’s a time of “keep putting one foot in front of the other and try not to do anything stupid.”

At least I know what color to paint the office, and I’ve had no regrets about the red hair. Just don’t ask what I’m going to be for Halloween.

I have to make so many decision so fast right now I would love to be able to go on autopilot for a while. The drives will help, and the downtime while we wait for the house to sell will be very welcome, at least at first.

Of course I often write posts based on my undecideds because for me it helps the process along. Sanity checks from the peanut gallery don’t hurt either sometimes.