What Parents of Prodigals Need to Know

My daughter’s eyes shifted nervously, avoiding my gaze, as she threw her clothing and makeup haphazardly into her suitcase.

She would be 18 in a few days and had made clear her intentions – get out of our house and get out fast.

Homeschooled her whole life and an easy going, cheerful child, there had been little to prepare me for what was happening, and try as I may to dissuade her, she was determined to go.

That was 3 years ago. That daughter is now happily married and joyfully back in our family. I’m not going to lie, it has been a long, hard road with many heart breaks and hurts along the way.

Have you ‘done everything right’ and still had a child jump ship? You are not alone!

I walked around with my head hanging in shame for months after our daughter left, believing that it was my neglect of some aspect of her education or upbringing that had caused all of this. Surely it was my fault that she rejected our family and our beliefs! I wracked my brains at night, unable to sleep, as I relived the key moments of her life.

Did she eat too much junk food, too many carbs, too much protein or not enough? Did she watch the wrong TV shows and movies, or were we too strict? Was our theology wrong? Were we too legalistic or too liberal? Did we miss some other critical opportunity in her life?

The answer to these questions is yes, and no. There is no perfect parent. We surely made many mistakes along the path. But that is not why our daughter rebelled.

Adam and Eve did have a perfect parent. They had the perfect environment and the most accurate theology possible – received straight from the mouth of God! And they still rebelled.

You see, your child, like Adam and Eve, has free will. Oh, they know the truth, you have taught them well. They know the truth and they have chosen to rebel, just like every other person, including you and me.

Your child may blame you for their poor decisions, but ultimately the decisions are their own.

There are two things that I have learned from being the parent of a prodigal. There are lots actually but we’ll save those for another day.

Keep your focus on Jesus. Take your eyes off of your child, your parenting and the hurt you are feeling and put them on Jesus. Get on your knees and get in the Word. God will use this experience to refine you, dear mama! By staying close to God and listening for His guidance, the lessons are learned much quicker than if we are kicking and screaming the whole way.

I wasted a lot of time worrying, blaming myself and thinking about what others thought of me during those three years. I had trouble remembering that God was working all of our experiences for the good. He wants us to check our hearts, to be sure, but He is kind and gracious. It is our enemy that wishes for this to tear our family apart.

Our earthly struggles are not to bring shame, they are to bring wisdom and humility and to prepare us to encourage others with the encouragement that we ourselves have received.

What God wants from us is that we learn to walk by faith, not by sight. Do you believe that God is in total control of your situation?

This kind of faith only comes through testing. A faith not tested is a faith not true. Being refined is not comfortable nor is it enjoyable. Take it from me, however, as we wrestle with our doubts and fears, God will faithfully bring us to a place of quiet rest – in Him.

Give God the driver’s seat. This next lesson is difficult to share but I pray that God will use it for good. God used the pain and humility of having a prodigal child to show me how I had created an idol out of our homeschool and parenting methods. I was so sure that we were ‘doing it’ right, that we had cracked the code of parenting. Our kids were doing great, our marriage was strong. This, my friends, is a recipe for disaster.

As parents, especially homeschooling, Christian parents, it can be too easy to think we have discovered the correct way to produce good kids. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge proponent of the benefits of Christian home education. But there is no formula for raising kids.

Somehow, after surviving the first few years of homeschooling, I assumed I had it all figured out and all but stopped asked God for direction. Instead of thinking how great we were for raising good kids and having a strong marriage, we should have been thanking God for these blessings. Every good thing comes from God.

I know that in our family, God has used our trials in many ways for great good. Without them we surely would have kept on doing things in the way that seemed right to us. Our trials caused us to cry out to God for His guidance and direction and the path that he subsequently led us on was far above and beyond what could ever have planned or imagined for ourselves.

Are you in the midst of a parenting crisis? Please let us know in the comments and we will pray for you.

About Marianne Sunderland

Marianne Sunderland has been married to her husband, Laurence, since 1991. She is a homeschooling mother of eight lively children ages 3 to 22. Marianne is passionate about encouraging families to discover and nurture their children’s God-given gifts and talents, in and outside of the classroom. She also encourages women to joyfully love and serve their families. Her varied experiences homeschooling through difficult times and with kids who learn differently has taught her much about learning how to trust fully in God for her family and homeschool. Marianne’s blog, Abundant Life, provides weekly articles on faith, family and homeschooling that will bless and encourage you.
View all posts by Marianne Sunderland →

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7 thoughts on “What Parents of Prodigals Need to Know”

I will pray. Dear Jesus,please be with this mom. Give her assurance that even though her children seem beyond her reach, they are not beyond yours. Remind her that you created each one and have not taken your eye off them for one minute. May your spirit pray with her spirit when she doesn’t know what to pray. Thank you for loving her and her family.

At a loss of how to even pray any more. I’m worn, weak and weary. It’s been one thing after another with my three adult children since my oldest was about 14 (now 34). We have struggles with our 29 year old since she was about 9 and our youngest is 21 has just moved back in with us. I feel like I just can’t do this, any longer.

Thank you for sharing and encouraging! Our 18-year old daughter left three weeks ago and broke our hearts. Trying to Chang my view…she is His daughter, let Him deal with her. So. Hard. I would SO appreciate your prayers for her repentance!

Thank you for this. It’s an old post but timely for us. My 15 year old daughter is now an atheist, and mentally disturbed, and my other daughters have severe anxiety with depression. The atmosphere in our home is extremely difficult and we have been through difficult circumstance after difficult circumstance for 10 years now. I keep thinking, if only we had done everything differently, they would be stable, with longtime friends, like all these other kids that lived in the same place all their lives and didn’t go through any major crises. I just want to quit as I see my younger two children poisoned by the older two and prematurely following their example.

Our adopted daughter left shortly after her 18th birthday. That is almost a year ago now. She has made many bad choices during that time and moved from place to place manipulating and hurting many people along the way. She now lives with a man who left his wife and two young children for her. I’m heartbroken for the hurt she is causing so many people. Our three sons are doing great and we have living relationships with them. I do pray for her repentance and return to the Lord. I know God has a good plan for her.

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