How to Make the Iranians Love You Overnight

Simple: crash a diplomatic mission, embed with the Academy of Motion Picture Sciences, infiltrate the Iranian International Urban Film Festival, and end up getting kissed by a possible future president. The Vice co-founder offers some advice for the Obama administration's new talks with Tehran, by way of recounting his recent trip there.

When we first got there, we were kind of in a jovial mood. We got in, which is really difficult. We were being allowed to shoot a bunch of stuff, because we were with the [American] Academy Awards people. We couldn't shoot outside or anything, but we were shooting lots of stuff... on film sets and TV sets and in malls... Meanwhile, the Academy Awards people all thought we were Iranian secret police, because our beards were really long and we were just sort of showing up to shootings. They could not figure us out because we were allowed to shoot all these places.

But then we went to the Academy Awards, and it was a really big deal... They have a huge new — I don't know — space needle. It's like the tallest building in the Middle East. It's a symbol of Tehran now, or Iranian oil, or I don't know — they just built it. And underneath it they have this massive auditorium. And it's filled up with people, which is surprising to me, because they only let people know the day of the awards where it can be held. They're totally insane about security. They think they're going to be attacked at any moment, so everything is secret and weird.

So we go there, and it's overrun with people... It was on all the TV channels and all the sort of film aristocracy are there... And then the mullahs come in, the cultural and moral police, and the mayor of Tehran, who's going to be a presidential candidate, like a reform candidate. He's really popular, and he showed up.

It was really weird, though, because they bring all the ministers of culture out and all the big people to hand out the awards, and then the Iranians would come up and get the awards. Like the big guys who got Best Feature, and they just accept the award and walk away. But then like "Best Animated Short," they would come up and give a long speech, or "Best Children's Film." I'd be like, "Best Children's Film?! I didn't even know that was a fucking category!"

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And then they had the foreign ones. And they made a big deal about the foreign ones. But nobody was there, obviously. So they're like, "Do you want to accept an award?" And I said, "Sure, you know, I'd love to." So I guess [Canadian director] Guy Maddin won an award. So I'm like, "Well you know, we interviewed Guy Maddin. I'll just accept it on his behalf." And they're like, "Nah, nah, just go up and grab it." And I say, "I'll say on behalf of Canadians," and they're like, "No, no, just go get the award and say thanks." I think that they wanted to show that it was cosmopolitan, that people actually came from other countries for the film festival, which they didn't. And I think that's why they were filming it, too. And so I'm like, "Yeah, sure."

So all the Iranians go up and they accept their awards, and no one says anything. And then... they announced Guy Maddin, so I just went up and I accepted the award, and I said, "Iran is my favorite country. It's the best place in the world." And I said it in Persian. And then the mayor of Tehran, a presidential candidate, came up and kissed me on the cheek, and I got a standing ovation from the crowd. And then I was on TV. I was on like every channel of TV, and it's like "Genius American director loves Iran! It's his favorite country!"

And so when I would go to all these film sets to observe and shoot for Vice, they'd be like, "I love all your films," and everyone would treat me like a superstar. Meanwhile, no one had any clue who Guy Maddin was or who I was... They thought I was some famous American film director who loved Iran. But I mean, then the [American] Academy Awards people don't even know who we are. We're just following them around shooting stuff. We thought that shit was hilarious. —as told to Charly Wilder

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