[750 Words] Or how I procrastinate

Writer’s note: a cut from today’s stream of consciousness writing. And in case you were wondering, yes I haven’t forgotten my list of things to write nor the 100 weeks challenge yet. XD

What I miss most about being in a relationship at this moment now is the assurance. The assurance that I am loved, that someone cares for me as much as I for them, and perhaps, that I’m not alone in walking this path.

The loneliness is really quite terrifying. And in its scope, threatens to drown out all other songs. All other words, all other emotions. My mind can’t quite process things the same way it did before. I’ve lost my focus. Things have become both extremely short term, and extremely long term. I can’t look at the middle view anymore.

Which, I suppose, is kind of what happens after a breakup.

I’m not sure if I’m still stuck in the past (which is a valid statement) or if I’ve just chosen to ignore my present to live in either the future or the past. My timeline isn’t quite normal right now.

Also Foobar, playing the Grandia OST now isn’t quite helpful. XD

When you fly in the sky~

I’ve forgotten how it feels like to simply dream. To simply write. To lose myself in the abandonment of it all.

Or maybe I remember it too keenly.

Real life seems much more painful, much more harsher than I thought.

I will admit to having suicidal thoughts. Wondering what happens if I should just jump off the LRT tracks, get myself caught into a massively horrible accident, or do something to end my life.

And then I find myself weighing the consequences.

Times like these, I find myself thinking that being a writer is both blessing and a curse.

Because on one hand, my life’s quite linear. It’s very much looking at things that cause the result. Hindsight, they say, is 50-50. It’s 50-50 because you look at all the threads that have been woven into your life. I haven’t really jumped off from that train of thought yet.

It’s pretty much how my stories are too. Linear. You see all these threads coming together, and life’s not really unpredictable, at least not from where I stand. Things will happen, and then you do things to make them happen, or to deal with them when they happen.

It’s how I’ve lived my life too, waiting for things to happen.

As you can tell, this isn’t really a good way to live. I’ve allowed myself to be dictated by others, to allowing other people to have a stake in my life, when I really shouldn’t. But pulling myself out from it isn’t something that’s easy to do. I have a strong people please streak, and it’s what been keeping me going.

Which then begs the question, exactly who am I living for?

There was a time when I lived for someone else. When I lived for others. It’s only been in recent years that I’ve discovered that comes with a huge burden. That I lived for others who don’t quite care for me, that I lived for others to support the ones who do care, that I lived for others who frankly, I should just tell them to go away.

Learning who to live for, is a hard decision.

But there’s one thing in that decision that I’m glad to have made. That I am quite happy to have made.

I made the decision to live for the people in my life.

For the real, actual human beings whom I can hold, touch, see, feel, and maybe even smell.

To me, if you’re going to live, these are the people you SHOULD live for.

I’ve often wondered what my legacy would be. Am I going to be remembered after my death? Will anyone remember me beyond the third generation? Does anyone care?

To be kind, and to touch other people’s lives, I think that’s the best kind of legacy to live behind. Your deeds shape other people’s lives, and that’s how you’ll be remembered. We all remember that one moment of kindness people show to us. That one moment of being recognised as fellow human beings.

The uncle who played with me after my cousins had ignored me at my grandmother’s house. Being consoled when my grandmother passed away. Having someone just listen as I poured my heart out.

I’ve been shown kindness by a lot of people. I only hope that I can show the same to others. I choose to be kind. I can’t be kind all the time, but I can try.