Today might
be a great day. The sun isn’t too bright, my hair hasn’t frizzed from the
stubborn wind, and I got a A- on my Chem test. Of course there’s the fact that,
Ben Wong is destined to die today on McGovern Street, in front of the houses
with all the rose bushes. His name screamed through my skull during biology. It
took everything I had to hold a smile, especially when I passed him at school.

I brush black strands out of
my eyes with shaking hands as I peek out from behind an enormous eucalyptus
tree along the footpath. Ben is a few houses ahead, strolling home as if
nothing matters. Sort of like the voices and visions, clawing around in my
head, screaming the names of people who only have a few hours to live. This
time, I’m going to stop it and save Ben. There has to be a way. There must be a
reason why I see them, what else could it be?

The stink from the
overflowing garbage along the curb swooshes past on the afternoon wind, and I
almost gag. The way Ben is scratching his butt makes me think he has fleas.
Another reason I shouldn’t sit next to him in ancient history. What a slob.
It’s easy to follow his trail; empty bags of chips, two candy wrappers, two
apple cores and a mashed soda can, and still he’s beyond skinny. This
metabolism thing is so unfair.

Only a block away from where
it happens, and the image jumps into my head just as it did back in class. Its
intensity as jolting as when it forced me, shirking, out of my seat, right in
the middle of Mr. Colby’s pop quiz. There’s another mark in Mr. Colby’s
notebook. I wanted to explain, but how could I, and just like now, my throat
felt as if it was locked up.

I move out from behind the
tree, passing the brick houses, an elderly woman with handfuls of shopping
bags, and a ginger cat sun baking on someone’s front lawn. My fists dig into
the pockets of my skirt as I stroll, trying my best to look casual. My brain is
screaming at me to run up to Ben and drag him in the opposite direction. A
perfect way to confirm that I am some kind of weirdo.

Chattering voices from behind
catch my attention. I glance back to see Sari and her pack of she-hyenas
approaching. My stomach clenches. Oh great, just what I need, some taunting and
insults from her majesty.

I call out, “Hey, Ben, wait
up.”

He looks back, wiping his
mouth with a sleeve. “Leev? Don’t you live on Cross Street?”

I sprint up beside him. At
the age of eleven he had followed me home, then asked me out on a date to a
burger joint, which I declined, but that was years ago. Now at seventeen, he
still remembers where I live.

10 comments:

"Of course there’s the fact that, Ben Wong is destined to die today on McGovern Street, in front of the houses with all the rose bushes." I'd cut the first comma

"Its intensity as jolting as when it forced me, shirking, out of my seat, right in the middle of Mr. Colby’s pop quiz." Shrieking?

"a ginger cat sun baking on someone’s front lawn." I'd say "sunning himself"...baking brings to mind that the cat has passed or is somehow unable to move and is literally baking.

Another thing I noticed: there doesn't seem to be much going on. I'm intrigued to her ability to see the future, but it seems here she's too nervous/scared to use it. Now, that's a good set up for the rest of the book, but I'm not sure it moves things along here.

I also noticed a few different places that seemed like a start to the book. I've done the same thing in my writing and it's not usually intentional. I'd read through and pick the one with the most intensity, the one that's most likely to move things along the quickest.

I hope these suggestions are helpful =). I enjoy giving feedback, and if you need me to clarify anything, just holler!

This is good. The premise is intriguing and I want to know if she'll actually save the guy or not.

The only big note I have is that you're dialing up to overkill on the visions. As soon as she stated she saw it in class, I had it. But she goes on about it quite a bit, which slows the pace and also adds words. I'd say, trust your reader to 'get' the concept from that first statement. Then just tell us what happens.

Also, as soon as they're on the street where it's supposed to happen, you want to be moving forward, not looking back to thoughts and feelings of the past. We're here to see if this kid is going to die or not.

Other than that, make sure the throat doesn't 'feel as if', instead, just show us how the throat feels. Either it's locking up, or it isn't. Define it.

I'd be looking for something unique to happen here because I've read books before where a teen hero can see death coming and tries to save it. It's a great hook for a few pages, but unless you've got more to the plot / character, it will be a tougher sell.

Good luck with this, I think with the right twists you can really make something of it.

Thanks for entering! Yes definitely cut the first comma. It’s a great line – really surprised me and piqued my interest. I’d cut the comma after visions, too. There are a couple of sentences I stumbled across because there were too many commas or descriptive phrases, and I had the same thought as Ustav about the trail of rubbish. Overall though I really liked this. There’s tension, voice, character and intrigue… I’d definitely read on.

And I love the voice in this line: A perfect way to confirm that I am some kind of weirdo.

You really grabbed me with the Ben Wong is destined to die line. Perhaps you could skip the hair and chemistry and cut straight to that in juxtoposition with the good day.

Also is it a house with roses in front (so it was an identifiable place), or a bunch of houses with roses - (not so specific)? Also roses made me feel like it was a nice neighbourhood - the rubbish not so much.

You say Ben was strolling - and then go on to say like the voices. Did you mean unlike? They seem to be quite different.

I liked that your protagonist was determined to do something positive about the visions. At times I felt she was overthinking - there must be a reason etc. The reader will infer this.

Also I'm also a little confused about how her power works. Does she see a big image (that may repeat) and hear voices all the time?

A good premise though, and I liked the tension created by the appearance of Sari and her pack. Obviously it will not be easy for the protag to prevent this death.

This is well written, and an awesome premise. However, there are many, many details that are not necessary.

See all the stuff that doesn't need to be there. Some of it leads to a lot of skimming, because there isn't much that happens. I agree with the top commentor for all the little details in the mechanics; I wouldn't want to repeat it all.

I WANT TO KNOW IF HE GETS SAVED! AHH!! TELL ME!

I don't know what else... except the biggest, biggest thing that causes problems is that there isn't much happening. Cut the details and stuff.

I think I echo some of the above as far as over describing things slowing down the pace, but I was hooked from the get-go. I did wonder with the garbage and the fleas if Ben was a dog or some sort of creature...I am very messy and even I have avoided fleas ( thus far) and yes was it one house with roses or several in a row?Where can I read more?Doug

I don't like the first line, I mean not the line itself but its connection to the rest of the story.

"It’s a great day" something about my hair and the sun, then "oh and that boy is going to die." (Obviously I lazily paraphrased here, I wasn't making fun or anything, just trying to show the contrast)

Wait, that's a great day? I mean, don't get me wrong it would be VERY interesting if that were the characters definition of a good day, but clearly it’s not. She wants to save him. I think you should change it to something like "I thought this was going to be a great day." That way the second line can stay the same (which is fun) and we would also get the sense that something else is wrong.

I also agree I didn't like the trail of food, a little over exaggerated. Maybe a soda can and pieces of chips that fell from his mouth, and finally the empty bag of chips. That makes it only two things, much more believable. I am curious why she is so intent on saving him, other than a guilty conscious. Either way I'd trying explain that a little more. Either she has fond memories of him or she feels sorry for him, or she can't live with another death on her hands. It would be interesting to see a little more of either.

But, I think you should consider backing this up a little and stating with her vision. She's sitting in class and BAM she has a vision of a boy dying. It would pull us into the story a lot more. We get to SEE the vision, fun!

But I do think this is interesting and I like the characterization. Good luck!

Of course there’s the fact that NO COMMA NEEDED Ben Wong is destined to die today on McGovern Street, in front of the houses with all the rose bushes.Grammatically the second comma isn't required either, but I feel the pause there is necessary.

His name screamed through my skull during biology.Names of courses should be capitalized.

There must be a reason why I see them, what else could it be?I'd make these two different sentence, especially when one clause is a simple statement, while the other is a question.

The way Ben is scratching his butt makes me think he has fleas. So funny and so realistic.

What a slob. It’s easy to follow his trail; empty bags of chips, two candy wrappers, two apple cores and a mashed soda can, and still he’s beyond skinny. This metabolism thing is so unfair.Great voice!

I wanted to explain, but how could I, and just like now, my throat felt as if it was locked up.I'd punctuate like so: I wanted to explain, but how could I? And just like now, my throat felt as if it was locked up.

but that was years ago.I'd made the a sentence by itself.

Now at seventeen, he still remembers where I live.When you interrupt your sentence, you've got to set off your interruption with commas.Now, at seventeen, he still remembers where I live.

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