Monday, 6 September 2010

Panic attacks

Mine are brought on threw a fear of vomiting. Its sounds ridiculous, having a super fear of something natural, and generally means your getting rid of something bad in your system.

If I get the feeling i might be sick, a strange stomach twinge, or a warm feeling in my throat, I go into meltdown, I can't control my breathing, I shake violently, i have this overwhelming fear wash over me and i feel like i just need to run and get back to my moms house and drink glasses of water. I remember the exact time i last threw up,It was febuary , I woke up at 1,31AM but didn't vomit till 3AM now i can't go to bed until after 2am in case i wake up. If I wake up before or around 1.30AM i have a panic attack without even thinking about it because it was the time i woke up and had a panic attack the whole time until i vomited.

I suffered with panic attacks like this for 4 years, i couldn't sleep in my own room and had to camp in my moms room every night without fail i would have a panic attack unless i was sleeping in my moms room, i even became addicted to Gaviscon because i convinced myself it would stop me vomiting. They then eventually subsided, i don't know how or why they stoped, perhaps my step dad being kicked out,mom also made me go cold turkey on the gaviscon to. i then only had panic attacks perhaps once or twice every couple of months from ages 14 to now, 20, they would subside quick and last no longer then maybe 10minutes, a big improvement on 1am till 6am panic attacks.

Since March this year i have now suffered with panic attacks almost constantly, they are gradually getting worse, even though i am undergoing counciling at present. I can't go in the bathroom for a bath past 1pm , i don't go out and see friends anymore, or go places unless i know it will be quick and i'm in a car. I've lost a stone and a half in weight, i rarely eat incase it makes me ill, constantly exhausted from sleeping to late and then getting up at 7am for no reason. I can't hold any kind of job down or work experience. I'm also addicted to gaviscon again and have panic attacks if i don't take any everyday.

Docters want me to take antidepressants for them, then told me they could make me vomit, so i said no thanks!

i have no idea what the rest of the year holds for me, or how ima cope o.o! but i hope so hard they go away for good