The unpleasant truth was made clear on a recent walking tour of the University of Michigan for "Campus Day." My family was invited because the university hopes we will pay $22,600 to send my daughter there next year.

Hundreds of parents and incoming freshmen showed up for Campus Day. We were split into groups that wandered the quads and classrooms behind eerily sunny and enthusiastic student guides. They were Stepford Students.

Due to a grievous oversight by the office in charge of impressing people who might pay $22,600, Campus Day was scheduled on the Saturday before St. Patrick's Day.

"Parties started early this morning," warned our Stepford Student. "You might see some things you will not want to see."

Not me. I wanted to see.

Students streamed past our group to midday parties. Girls wore silly or slutty outfits and boys hooted in beer-soaked exhilaration.

"Worst day ever to bring your parents to campus!" one kid shouted to our children. "Worst day ever!"

My highlight was a fraternity house with a funnel hanging out a second-story window. Attached to the funnel was a hose that dangled to a porch below.

The device was designed to provide gravity-assisted fluids from the funnel to people waiting at the end of the hose. I believe the technical term is "beer bong."

Our Campus Day group tried to ignore this ugly spectacle but we were accosted.

"You!" shouted a kid holding a mug of green beer. "You are the chosen one!"

Three dozen people were in my group and the kid with green beer pointed directly at me. Me. I was the chosen one. I must project some special quality.

Mr. Green Beer rushed to my side and urged me to test the funnel. It seemed rude to reject the kindness of strangers.