A stand up comedian at a stand up restaurant in India (2015)

I wrote a blog article on this topic a few years ago. I wanted to do another version of it since it was so popular.

I had a friend in Bangalore who liked to go to this vegetarian place. I noticed that there was no place to sit down. Everyone ate standing up. So, I thought it would be kind of comical if a stand up comedian did his routine at one of these stand up restaurants.

RAMESH: The food is so bad here I can’t stand it — but, I have no choice.

COMEDIAN: You’re right. And you can’t protest either by having a sit in.

RAMESH: If I were a hippy, I could have a be-in or a love-in, while simultaneously having a stand-in.

COMEDIAN: Yeah — you can say, “I won’t sit down until I get what I want — let’s start with a comfy chair.”

RAMESH: Exactly. I heard in Japan, rent is so expensive, that at small eateries, you have to eat standing up just like here. Only in Japan, after exactly six minutes they kick you out — so eat fast.

COMEDIAN: Yeah, those ramen take a while to eat. The broth is so hot, plus those shrimp cakes get stuck in my teeth. I really need to start flossing more.

SUJATA: Once I went to a place where the seats were bolted down so close to each other, I got stuck between two of the chairs. They had to use a rupe to pry me loose — I joked that they were flossing me out.

COMEDIAN: Boy, I hope the chairs didn’t get a cavity from having you there too long.

SUJATA: I was out quick, but if I were in charge I’d give those chairs a root canal. That’s why I eat here. At least I won’t get stuck, plus the rotis are good.

COMEDIAN: I was at a street food restaurant last week. Every day they have a different type of bread. I asked if they were rotating rotis. They didn’t get the joke. They said, “No — today chapati.” I said, “Never mind.”

SUJATA: Also, restaurants like this save money. They don’t need a hostess to seat you.

COMEDIAN: You’re right. Do they have a young lady asking where can she stand you?

RAMESH: Last time I went, the hostess asked HOW she could stand me. I said, “I’m really easy to get along with actually.”

COMEDIAN: Well, I like these stand up restaurants because I’m a stand up kind of guy.

SUJATA: And thank you for not asking stupid questions about our arranged marriage system.

COMEDIAN: I don’t have to — I’ve got it all figure out now. But, do you also have arranged divorces?

RAMESH: Actually, I’ll tell you a funny story about that. My friend Shankar has a housemate who is a young lady who is not very traditional.

COMEDIAN: Maybe he should get a more traditional female housemate

RAMESH: You see, a traditional lady would not be a housemate to begin with as that violates tradition.

COMEDIAN: Oh, got it. Kind of like a pimp with a health plan.

RAMESH: Something like that. So, after ten years Shankar’s friend Vipool said to him, “Isn’t it time to get married?” The irony is that his friend who has been married for ten years lives in separate rooms with his wife and hardly ever talks to her. They are more like designated roommates than married people. Shankar replied that he lives with woman in separate bedrooms who he barely talks to and Vipool does the same — so what’s the difference. Vipool replied — “Gee, I never saw it that way before, you are right, the end result is the same.”

SUJATA: I beg to differ. An arranged marriage is like a designated roommate system, but one in which you have children with the roommate.

COMEDIAN: I may be a comedian, but having children with your roommate is no laughing matter.

SUJATA: You are right, but at least in India, children normally have two biological parents while in the U.S. only 27% of children do.

COMEDIAN: You have a good point. On a final note, I would caution Indians from having too many children with their roommates otherwise there won’t be room in their flat to eat — unless they eat standing up like we do here. You’ve been a great crowd. Good night!

VIPOOL: Hey, I heard you were talking about me. Well, now we have an alternative to an arranged marrige. It is an abridged marriage. If you don’t like the marriage, well, see that bridge over there? I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.