Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Harambe the gorilla: In my own words

Dear Harambe the gorilla controversy,

Hello friends, my name is Harambe and I am a gorilla who for the last 17 years has called Cincinnati home (not my choice, I suggested California). Chances are if you are reading this I am dead. Until recent events most of you had no idea who I was or cared about the trials and tribulations of myself or others like me, which I was fine with. I enjoyed my days eating all the bananas and coconuts I could fit in my belly and people watching humans at the zoo. You are a very strange species by the way, I will never understand the skinny jeans thing or Bernie Sanders supporters. Life was good up until a few days ago when a child fell into my pen and everything changed.

As my death plays out across the country and the number of gorilla behaviorists, parenting experts and zoo architects increases, I would like to tell my side of the story and give feedback on the tragic event that took place a few days ago.

First a little bit about me. For those of you who don't know as a Silver Back Gorilla I am the leader my troop or group. It consists of 5 to 30 others, both male and female. My duties include deciding when and where we travel, what we eat along with where we sleep. The most important job I have is the protection of my group. I am very territorial and if you come at me it’s on. I don't care if you are a gorilla from another troop or a three year old baby falling from the sky. I worked hard to get where I am today and nothing will keep me from taking care of other members of my family. I was raised in captivity but that doesn't mean the instincts that were instilled in my DNA won’t prevent me from becoming aggressive when provoked. No amount of human training can counter this. I am a wild animal by nature, not a dog or cat that has been domesticated over the years.

A lot of you are upset at the zoo and for using lethal force to rescue the baby. Trust me, no one is more upset than me….I’m dead!!! What if the zoo experts didn't shot me and I remembered that I was “King of the Jungle” and ripped the child’s limbs off? The public would have a completely different opinion on this subject wouldn’t they? I know that if the tables were turned and I had to protect one of my own from what I thought was a threat I wouldn't hesitate. My only suggestion to my former employer is that next time you guys might want to keep a very strong tranquilizer gun around. Then I would still be enjoying those bananas and you wouldn't be dealing with all this negative press.

Lastly to the people who are sending death threats to the parents of this child please stop. As a parent to numerous other gorillas I know how hard it is to keep track of them 24/7. The minute you turn your back they are swinging from trees or finding their way into places they shouldn't be. No amount of parenting can prevent this. For the last 38 years Gorilla World has kept the general public from mingling with myself and others like me. Sometimes tragedies like this happen, it’s sad but this is life.

Humans, I applaud you for your dedication when it comes to the protection of animals like myself over your own kind when something heartbreaking like this occurs, as impulsive as it is. Please though try and act like a civilized species before passing judgement. This is why you are at the top of the food chain. By the way, met Cecil the lion up here. Remember him….I didn't think so.

PS. Happy hump day on this scorcher in God’s Country. Please stay cool and remember…If the owl outside your house keeps saying “Who???” your response should be “Mike Jones” every time.

Life according to me:

Farming includes lots of long hours and hard work. Many hours on the tractor and in the field also gives you lots of time to figure out the world's problems at the same time you are trying to feed it, I guess multi-tasking is one of our greatest strengths. From politics to sports to music to why did insert actor or actress wear that to the Oscar's please enjoy and feedback is not only welcome it is necessary.......Thank you!