I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was
poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my
girlfriend yet.
Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine
until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said, "You're obviously not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by
one point.
The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair?
Apparently the correct answer was Africa! Who knew?
One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly
found in cells.
It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've
been
banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.
You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive
slowly past schools.
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and
her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a mustache."
Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook.
I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!"
Next thing I know 4,000 f**king Muslims have added me as a friend!
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip,
I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my
room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."
The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help
towards the floods in Pakistan.
I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
Internal Virus Database is out of date.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 8.5.449 / Virus Database: 271.1.1/3617 - Release Date: 05/05/11
06:34:00