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blocked… and I know why…

I am working on this one paper, ONE PAPER… and then the summer can be finished with family and friends as my priorities instead of school. As soon as this ONE PAPER is done, I can play, read and hang out without guilt.

That should be a great motivation. Should. Be.

The problem is… I am struggling to write. It’s not a difficult paper. I’m not tracing a grand theological theme. I “only” have to write about the philosophical and practical framework for my vision for ministry of a community-based pastoral care ministry as it connects with my home church.

The blockage? It makes future ministry too “real” and I am in a fear of failure loop. It makes me dribble around in circles of self doubt and never get the guts to shoot the hoop.

Geesh. This is what I am pulled to do like a moth to the flame. But if I put it on paper, it suddenly scares the livin’ daylights outta me… like I’m really a fraud. Or that I will truly stink at it.

OK. I know. I’ve been here before. I know it’s a faith-building time. But that doesn’t remove the simple, real fear…

I’m going to get some sleep and try again in the morning. One blinkin’ paragraph at a time.