My best friend inexplicably severed our relationship. I was faced with the challenge of forgiving the unforgivable.

David and I met when we were in our late teens. We immediately clicked. We shared interests, hobbies, and developed a deep trust and loyalty for one another.

I shared the most intimate thoughts and feelings with him and he did the same with me. We went places together. We hung out together. We enjoyed being around each other. It was the kind of close life-long friendship which is not too common to find.

The friendship survived the test of time, living in different locations, marriage, children, stress, pressures, the twenties, the thirties, and beyond.

Eventually, we were both living once again in the same city and the friendship continued to thrive for many more years.

The Betrayal

And then one fine day, without any warning whatsoever, David called me and said, “I do not want you to contact me for any reason for the foreseeable future. Nor will I contact you. Our friendship is over. Don’t worry. I’ll be okay. But we just can’t be friends anymore.”

I was stunned.

How could David betray our loyalty, friendship and trust that we had built for over two decades?

How could David betray our loyalty, friendship and trust that we had built for over two decades? I felt hurt like never before.

And I worried about David and his extremely strange behavior.

I thought that I must have severely upset or insulted David, though I couldn’t recall anything I may have done. I pressed him and David had insisted that wasn’t an issue. So, what was the issue?

I waited around two weeks, and numerous calls went unanswered, emails disregarded. He was totally ignoring me.

Finally, I left him a very clear voicemail saying that after all we had been through what he was doing to me was extremely unfair. I deserved the courtesy of a face to face conversation and a real explanation as to what was going on.

Later that day, David called me back and asked to come over. I thought I was finally going to get an understanding as to what in the world had overtaken my best friend. But I got nothing of the sort. Instead David yelled at me for, in his words, not being a true friend in just leaving him alone.

He left and I cried for a long time, mourning our longstanding friendship that died for no apparent reason.

It was a complete mystery to me. I racked my brains to try to figure it out but there was truly nothing I had done wrong to him and David refused to discuss it.

Our wives remained friends. Our kids went to the same school. We bumped into each other every so often. I felt extremely angry and hurt. It was as if I was experiencing the stages of grief over someone dying.

Forgiveness?

If one is hurt by someone else. . .he must make his pain known to the person who wronged him. . . If he requests forgiveness, one has to forgive him. (De’ot 6:6)

So, I decided to try and explain to David what he had done that had wounded me so greatly. I wrote him something along these lines:

Dear David,

The fact that you ended our two decade friendship and especially the way you ended it was extremely hurtful. You never even expressed appreciation for the friendship or acknowledged having to sadly and tragically end it. Knowing you for as long as I do, it is very surprising to me that you don’t realize all this. Perhaps you want to discuss things. The door is always open.

David received this note and proceeded to tell me how insane I am and how I needed professional help. He adamantly refused to apologize. Any attempt on my part to make some level of peace between us was met with the same denial of doing anything wrong followed by blaming me for being the crazy one.

Months went by. On occasions we ran into each other, we just ignored each other in uncomfortable silence.

How do you forgive someone who has no remorse for the hurt they caused you?

The Breakthrough

That question haunted me for months. I knew our friendship wasn’t coming back, and I wasn’t really looking for it anymore. But I felt hurt. An apology would have done wonders but it wasn’t going to come.

Then, one day I was at a friend’s house and met their five year old daughter. She took one look at my tie and said, “Yuck. I hate your tie. It’s sooooo ugly!” and then proceeded to run away.

It was a bit embarrassing but I didn’t get angry with the girl.

Two days later, I was walking in the street among a crowd of people when a clearly insane, homeless man came up to me and starting shouting profanities, accusing me of heinous crimes that I supposedly did to him. Once again, it was somewhat embarrassing, but I simply walked away without feeling any hurt or insult.

I wondered: why was I able to look past these insults without needing any apology whatsoever, yet I continued to yearn for an apology from David?

The answer became very clear. When a young child or an insane person insults you, you know they are not really in control of what they’re saying. Their mind is not really ‘all there,’ so their insults therefore don’t come off as real insults.

When a person can’t think straight, how can you be hurt, angry, or insulted with what they do? You feel pity, not anger.

I began to internalize that whatever my former friend David was going through, when it came to his abrupt breakoff of our friendship, he was temporarily ‘insane.’ He wasn’t ‘really all there.’

If I could begin to look at David as someone full of pain and confusion, I could forgive him.

I conjectured that maybe he was jealous of what he perceived was a better life he thought I was having. Maybe he was frustrated with his lack of fulfillment and suffered from a lack of self-worth. Maybe he had thought that, at his age, he would have been further along in life than he was. Maybe being around me just reminded him of his perceived inadequacies. Maybe he was experiencing a mid-life crisis, had lost his equilibrium, and forgot that I could have been there for him as a non-judgmental, loyal friend. Instead, I became the tragic casualty. The old trusted, loyal David that I knew and loved wouldn’t even recognize, let alone approve, of the way that the new David had mistreated me.

If I could begin to look at David as someone full of pain and confusion, full of a lack of clear thinking, at least in this particular area of his life, I could forgive him.

Instead of the hurt, I began to feel compassion and pity. Then one day I sent him a note saying that I forgive him. Period. I even started saying a casual hello whenever we’d see each other. This was the extent of the relationship for which he was agreeable.

Am I really comfortable when I see him? No. But at least I have pretty much let go of the anger and hurt.

After this painful learning experience, I finally began to comprehend a passage of Maimonides that I had never quite understood:

If one was hurt by someone else but did not want to rebuke him or speak about it with him because the sin was very small or because the offender’s senses are flawed, but one forgave him in his heart. . .then one has acted with piety. (De’ot 6:9)

I know I am not alone. Too many others have lived through similar pain and there aren’t always apologies offered. I think a good part of the issue, for one reason or another, is due to the offender being truly incapable of thinking clearly.

I didn’t want to be ‘that guy’ who wasn’t on speaking terms with someone for years. Thank God, I was able to forgive the unforgivable.

Yom Kippur, the Day of Forgiveness, is coming. We all have to learn how to forgive and to try to make peace with people of whom we are not on good terms.

We all know people, sometimes even family members, who are not on speaking terms. The actions, hurts and the insults have wounded both sides and they feel incapable of ever dealing with each other again. Given the circumstances, this behavior may make sense for a period of time, but at a certain point, if only for our own mental health, we should find a path toward peace and cordiality. The relationship may never return to what it once was, but we will have let go of the pain and negativity. And there’s nothing more vital to a healthy state of mind than that.

Do you have someone you need to forgive who has never apologized and may never apologize? This Yom Kippur can you find a way to have compassion for their inadequacies instead of anger? If you do, it will certainly be a great merit for God to grant you and all of us a wonderful, sweet new year.

About the Author

Visitor Comments: 25

(16)
Rachelle,
October 10, 2013 8:33 AM

It was actually unbelievable hearing your story. I just had the same thing. My closest friend from one day to the next shut me out of her life. She has ignored me ever since. I shared everything with her and helped her so much when she was going through her hard times. I advised her and gave her much time and money. She was a sweetheart and a really nice person. Honestly, I don't know what happened to her and I still can't figure it out. I knew her so well and didn't see any possibility for this kind of cruel behavior. She must be effected by something that happened to her. Seems like you should never get attached or share everything with anyone other then your spouse.

(15)
jay,
September 15, 2013 7:47 PM

I'm going through it

Thank you for bringing this issue up. My brother is an adult and all he thinks about is himself. Without going into the issue, he had demanded something of me that is not rightfully his but he appears to not be able to help himself. He contacted me and said that if he did not get what he wants then our relationship, such as it is, was over. He also said some extremely cruel things about me. He said that if I did not do what he wanted he did not want me to contact him. Well I did not contact him. But on Yom Kippur, I felt compelled to e mail him and apologize for hanging up on him a month before. He responded by saying that it was good timing for me to apologize because it was Yom Kippur (he does not practice Judiasim) Then he went on to say that I was almost there now all I had to do was give him what he unjustly wants. This is a greedy man, he is my brother however, but it would be foolish to give him his prize when he simply uses everything at his disposal to attempt to manipulate me. I guess I shouldn't have apologized and should have realized the rewsponse I would get. It is very sad. At this point I feel sorry for him. But I will not be bullied into doing what is not right. It looks like this is the end of our relationship and as someone said above it is time to move on.

(14)
Anonymous,
September 14, 2013 6:59 PM

This might sound extreme...

b"hThis might sound extreme... but i have everyday someone to forgive and everday someone to forgive me.... i'm a sensitive guy...well actually to the point of social anxiety... it causes me to always walk on the furthest side of the street from ppl... having to change sides many times... i live in a religious community that is not used to things like that... so everyday someone angers me by staring... or i hurt someone by pushing them away (sometimes literally- physically, and sometimes with angry looks...) i'm not going to let anyone make me leave a religious place, especially a religioun that i believe in... ofcourse its not Everyone or even the majority that do that but there r enough to be atleast one everyday... its also the structure of the religious jewish communities... they r used to being close to one another and familiar with Everyone i guess... its a thing of mentality i have yet to get used to... but i will... and i will not let the evil inclination win... and it IS getting better with time... they r learning to respect me and the contrary too... so with G-d's help may the we all be happy and live a happy life and learn to accept those who r different than us... :)

(13)
Rachel,
September 13, 2013 10:33 PM

Is your ex-friend insane or 5 years old?

Your ex-friend is not a 5 year old kid, and your ex-friend is not, I assume, a crazy homeless person on the streets who curses at everybody. Neither the child nor the homeless person was doing anything personal against you and would have behaved similarly with anybody else. If there isn't some other side to the story involving some bad thing you did to this man, then it sounds as though he acted with cruelty. If he's cruel and never apologized, I don't think you need to 1) think of him as not being responsible for what he says and does, or 2) forgive his cruelty. Are you saying people are only unkind when they are temporarily insane, and nobody is responsible for behaving unkindly? Are you sure he isn't just a nasty dude - do you think there aren't any nasty dudes in the world? I suggest you'd be much better off going on without him and training your mind to not think about him. Think about things that make you happy and uplifted. As they say, don't let this unkind person occupy your brain without paying rent!

Jerrard,
September 15, 2013 4:45 PM

Not a nasty dude

I don't think he's just a nasty dude. According to the story, he never was before for over 20 years and if he became one then it's due to his going nuts so yes he is a bit like a five year old and the homeless man at least in this part of his life.

(12)
Janice,
September 13, 2013 7:10 PM

Betrayal and Foregiveness..

I hear your pain. This US culture tends to set teens up for failure. So first. Go visit some youth same as as when you met. Watch their actions, how they speak see if they are really ready to invest some much time and attention and emotional energy into any one relationship that is to live forever? I think not. So first give pardon to yourself and him for being unprotected by wise counsel. Impulsive resides in the hearts of males till around 26 and females 22. That's why insurance rates are very high for young drivers.I say give pardon as it is a legal issues which puts the brain in correct perspective "thinking" not feeling. The feeling will come latter as you mature and develop new interests.Conisder if you had married and had children; and then the betryal//devorce; consider the great pain and suffering at that time. Consider yourself fortunate for such a low price to pay for a great lesson. What is that? Get great mentors; concerning personal boundaries; what we share and don't and when. We don't give ourselves over totally to anyone so young and unable to make a commitment. What's the commitment? Betrothal, is he capalbe of providing a dwelling place, food, clothing? words of commitment a ring and a wedding date with witnesses to his intention. Young love is often about feelings and not about commitment to a future.

(11)
Anonymous,
September 13, 2013 5:27 PM

I think it goes deeper than that...

First off, I'm sorry. I know what it is like to be on your side of this sort of traumatic event. Loyalty and friendship are very important, and forgiveness when that is abruptly taken away from you is extraordinarily difficult - it is like grieving, without the knowledge that the grieving can ever end.
While I have tried not to be on the opposite side of your situation, however, as a human being I, like many others, are imperfect. While forgiving, especially now, when it matters most, may seem impossible, I am hoping that I might be able to help you see things from the other, hurting, person's perspective.
When you have gone through a lot of extreme trauma and somebody has seen you through it, even though that person may deeply and truly appreciate what you did for them, and even if shame may be a factor as the above poster stated, I think a larger factor is also the difficulty for that person to do their own version of forgiveness of *themselves*. This is actually what we are meant to learn to do first, before we can learn to forgive others. When trauma is still fresh, shame is not the only factor -- there is also the matter of being reminded, yes, of the good, but also of the entire situation, and when is attempting to recover after the immediate difficulties, space may be the only way to do it, and avoiding the fact that one has cut the other off in order to obtain that space becomes a defense mechanism in order to figure out how to move forward.
It sounds to me like your friend needs to learn how to forgive herself and her own situation first -- and that she, herself, is in the position where she is still due necessary apologies to move on before she can learn to or think about how to process it all or forgive herself and by extension hope for your forgiveness.
While you may not feel ready or capable of letting go or forgiving, which takes time, I'd suggest you write a letter to her telling her about how you're trying to. I think it might help both of you.

(10)
Rochel,
September 13, 2013 7:31 AM

Thank you! This article helped me forgive...

A friend and I had a fall out several years back; she cut off communication with me with no explanation whatsoever. I was heartbroken; how could she do this to me? After several attempts to contact her and attempt and explanation, she contacted me, apologized, and asked for forgiveness. This article gave me the push to do something that I need to do. Thank you again for reawakening within me the power of Mechila - forgiveness. Gmar Chasima Tova!

(9)
Anonymous,
September 12, 2013 7:14 AM

Several Different Incidents That Happened in My Family and to Me!!!

My mother (may she rest in peace) and my aunt were very close for years residing in different cities but talking on the phone several times a week. Then something happened that caused them to stop talking, the main reason being that my brother came between them convincing my mother not to talk to my aunt. When my mother passed away a year and a half ago, my aunt still sat shiva and mourned for my mother. I myself stopped talking to my brother due to the fact that he convinced my mother to write in her "Will" that I should not receive anything from her estate. He of course denied it but I know that it was him especially because he lied to me and told me that he would still split the money with me after I threatened to contest the "Will" with an attorney. After the period was over when I couldn't contest the "Will" anymore he told me that he decided to use the money for another purpose meaning that I would not receive anything. Is this forgivable? When my father (may he rest in peace) passed away 10 years ago, there were two of us in the same synagogue who were obligated to lead the prayers as mourners. I wanted to split the leading of the prayers with the other person but he refused and even made snide remarks to me while smirking. Before this happened, I use to donate to this persons' charity and then he treated me like this. I have found it very hard to forgive him unless he asks me for forgiveness and admits his mistake which he has never done. The final incident is happening at the present time in my synagogue, a different synagogue than the previous one. Thanks to our wonderful "Gabbai", I was chosen many times to lead the prayers, but due to political reasons and jealousy other congregants got involved and I was for the most part ousted from leading the prayers. The "Gabbai" still wants me to lead the prayers sometimes but I usually refuse due to my hurt feelings and pride. It is a shame that there is so much animosity and envy among Jews.

Rachel,
September 13, 2013 6:32 PM

I sympathize with what you're going through

Based on your version, I think I'd feel the way you do. I cannot imagine ever becoming close to him again or inviting him to any family events, but perhaps over time I'd become able to stop thinking about it and reliving the pain.
No doubt your brother would have a version of events to justify what he did. If he's truthful and decent, then it's so sad that misunderstandings came between you and him. If he is wicked (at least in this matter), then perhaps it'll help to think of Yaakov and Esav, and remember how Yaakov prayed to Hashem to protect him from his brother, from Esav.
Soothe your heart with the words of King David in the Psalms, David who was a servant of Hashem and hated by his enemies. May God give you the strength and wisdom to come through this ordeal intact. Gemar Tov!

Rachel,
September 15, 2013 5:29 AM

I sorry you're so hurt, but it isn't worth losing family and friends over money. Trust me.

(8)
Anonymous,
September 12, 2013 12:02 AM

I've experienced the opposite perspective.

Once someone who was supposedly my friend did something not nice to me out of jealousy and insecurity. She called and left me an apology message the next day but I didn't return her call. That was the end of our friendship. I didn't talk to her for a long time after that. Nevertheless, a few years later I felt like I couldn't let it go. I wrote her a long message explaining that no, I didn't need her friendship but I forgave her and I hoped she could forgive me. I wasn't bothered when she didn't respond because I really didn't want to be friends with her anymore (she wasn't ever actually good for me as a friend) but I knew that it must have hurt her when I didn't respond to her reconciliation attempts and abruptly ended the friendship. I knew I did the right thing by writing her that note, though I didn't want to resume the friendship.

(7)
Alan Brochstein,
September 11, 2013 8:10 PM

I have been there

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I have been in both your and David's shoes. When I was in high school, my friend did something that angered me and caused me to lose trust in him. I severed the relationship without ever explaining my actions. It was in my mid-20s that I contacted him, apologized face-to-face and explained my adolescent actions. We are now friends, and this was a great experience in life for me.

I have also experienced the severing of a relationship without explanation (though I could guess what was behind it) as well as seeing my wife's entire family being iced by a member of their family without any explanation. I suffered from feelings of guilt for many years before apologizing for breaking the relationship with my friend without explanation , so I keep hoping that some of these others that are in the same boat I was on will see the errors in their ways.

Happy New Year!

(6)
Anonymous,
September 11, 2013 7:00 PM

Thank u for a beautiful article! I am working on trying to forgive my mother in law and sisters in law and this article strengthened my judging them favorably for what they did. When We were newly married we stayed in their house for a while and I still can't get over how they ignored me and cut me out of their lives. The one sister in law insulted me continuously and expressed so much anger, jealousy and hatred towards me. Thinking back I realize how close she was to my husband and what a threat I must have been to her. I also understand that some people did not receive a proper upbringing and do not know the abc's of being sensitive to others and making guests or family comfortable. I hope I will be able to forgive them all wholeheartedly!

(5)
Boca Mom,
September 11, 2013 6:46 PM

perspective for the 'used'

For those of you who have felt 'used' maybe this perspective can help: We are all here to help one another. If G-d put you in the path of someone who needed help and you helped them, see yourself as G-d's vehicle, doing his will. then you may be able to feel less used and more blessed to have been the one chosen to help another. It will of course still hurt to lose someone, but this perspective may help you feel that this was the purpose, and it may ease the pain. wishing everyone a good new year!

(4)
Jonathon,
September 11, 2013 4:49 PM

It hurts yet forgivesness is worth it

I have had the opportunity to have a similar situation with the article. The difference is I know why my friend no longer speaks to me. Somehow knowing hurt more. My friend felt like he needed to choose between two friends and he chose the other friend. Made no sense to me the other friend lived far away and they only saw each other a couple of times a decade but talked on the phone regularly. I was never offered an explanation other than our lives are going in different directions. It really hurt me. I felt a lot of pain. He did this right after the death of my father and when I started a new job. I finally realized that for him this was necessary and I had to accept it his decision. I could have let my anger and frustration consume me but chose not to. I decided I needed to let go of our special connection and let G-d work this is out. I realized how much more I relied on him than G-d. Today I am happy and I never see my friend but I pray for him. I pray that he is happy, healthy, and enjoying life. If I can not forgive someone who was very special in my life for over 15 years, then what kind of friend am I?

ED,
September 11, 2013 10:27 PM

WOW! You're an inspiration...so inspiring and meaningful! Thank you!!

(3)
Abby,
September 11, 2013 2:27 PM

I know how it hurts...

5 years ago the same thing happened to me I was hurt beyond what I can describe, even I didn't know how badly I was hurt till a few years later when it was time for me to start dating, I couldn't trust anyone things have gone so out of control I stopped trusting my own family, I'm 24 today still single and very far from where I need to be in life I won't be exaggerating if I say maybe I'm suffering from PTSD because of this, forgive a person that never even thought of saying sorry? That sounds like mission impossible, I really don't know how to that.

(2)
Anonymous,
September 10, 2013 1:25 PM

When a longtime friendship ends

Reading this profoundly written article painfully reminded me of my experiences dealing with friends who've abruptly severed their relationship with me. I admit not being the most socially savvy person on the planet. But I do try to make myself emotionally available to those who need my attention and companionship. And I have throughout these years. I came through for moral support when my friends were facing a crisis. Likewise, I helped celebrated and enhanced their special moments in anyway I could. Yet, one particular person decided to end our friendship claiming that she needed to explore other "social opportunities". I was deeply hurt by this and I still remember this incident to this very day. Others felt that they prefer to be in a different company. Yes I felt betrayed, back-stabbed, and emotionally wounded by their decisions. Consequently, I developed a distrust for people and have built a wall to prevent people from crossing into sensitive areas in my personal life. I've slowly learned to forgive them for the unnecessary pain they've caused me as difficult as it was. But I still remember. I do speak with some of them to occasionally catch up with them. I don't want to resent them forever. As cruel and insensitive as people are for ruining what seemed to be a perfect friendship, we do need to move forward with our lives and learn to put their inequities behind us. The last thing we need to do is burn bridges with them. We need to let go. Dwelling on this will consume us.

(1)
Anonymous,
September 8, 2013 6:55 PM

The same thing happened to me but I'm not able to forgive

I spent years helping a friend of mine through crisis after crisis. She had many issues with her husband and would come to me for advice and support. She often told me that she was so fortunate to have me as a friend and we would always be close friends. When her family situation improved (after receiving professional help), she ended our relationship in an abrupt way. I was in a terrible emotional state for a long time as a result. I thought about what happened all the time and wasn't able to be there emotionally for my family during this period. Even if someday I could forgive her for the harm she caused me, despite her not apologizing or acknowledging that her behavior was unfair and harmful to me, I can't forgive her for the pain she caused my family, who had to watch me suffer so much and not be available to them like I should have. Like the author of the article, I have come to realize that this woman is not well emotionally and I am better off without her. But forgiving her for using me when she needed me and then dumping me when she didn't is unforgiveable in my opinion.

Rebecca,
September 10, 2013 5:19 AM

it might be more complicated...

Not to diminish in any way the hurt you went through, but perhaps it may help to think about her actions as more complicated than simply using you and dumping you (which I'm sure is how anyone would feel in your circumstances).
Perhaps she was actually just extrememly uncomfortable, knowing that she had confided her deepest and darkest times with you, that she couldn't bear to face you again, knowing that you still knew that side of her past. Not to condone this kind of response, but it could be that she felt shame in her past, and that she wanted to hide from it or pretend that it never was, and being around you and remaining friends prevented her from doing so. It's unfortunate and you're probably right that she is emotionally not well, but sometimes it can help to think that there is something beyond just using and dumping in circumstances such as this.

Anonymous,
September 10, 2013 2:32 PM

Thank you for your thoughtful response

Intellectually I know that what you wrote is true. I hope that some day I can use the direction you provide to help on an emotional level. Thanks for taking the time to help me deal with this challenging situation.

Bonnie,
September 10, 2013 4:25 PM

I agree w Rebecca..

I know of 2 cases where someone came to the aid of a man who lost his young wife and a woman who lost her young husband. There where people who could not have been more supportive bringing meals, taking care of the young children, playing therapist. When these 2 widowed people got on their feet, they too abruptly dropped those who were most helpful to them in their time of need! When someone has known you at your most vulnerable time, it does feel shameful, like they saw you naked ore exposed. Then when their life begins to function again, I am wondering if they think "this person knows my secrets and it makes me feel more vulnerable, so I will cut them out". I also know people who have been dropped by friends when the lose lots of weight or when the become rich. Some people can only be in a relationship when they feel they are on top. Once they feel surpassed (I'm am not saying it's right...it's unhealthy) that successful person is a constant reminder that they haven't made it. PS. The widow and widower found each other and got married. I wonder how many more people they will abandon together. I know I was one casualty. Thank G-d I saw it coming and didn't lose too much sleep over it!

Melissa,
September 10, 2013 3:57 PM

from the other angle

Firstly- i am sorry for your pain. The end of an intense relationship is always painful.
I want to try to show you the situation from a different angle, one that will not be comfortable for you to look at. (I am a professional in the field and have dealt with this situation many a time). Your friend needed major help and she leaned on you for years, you said. You went through crisis after crisis with her, neglecting your own family at that time. This is UNHEALTHY. Most people dont realize that being a good friend is NOT being there 24/7. if you have to neglect your family for a friend, there is something wrong with the relationship. My guess is the relationship was extremely lopsided and you were not leaning on her the way she leaned you. Additionally, you said the situation improved after she received professional help. Very possibly, when she went for help she realized how relying on you as a crutch all those years actually stopped her from searching and getting the real help she and her family needed. She most probably realized how unhealthy the relationship was and broke it off for this reason. If you are still holding on to all that pain, please go to talk a professional about it and try to figure out what need SHE was filling for YOU in your own life. You may be surprised to learn something about yourself.
A good friend is someone who can say- "you need more than I can give you. I need to kick you out now so you are forced to get the real help you need."
Good luck with your journey, I hope you can find the good in your experience some day soon.

Ol,
September 13, 2013 2:50 AM

True

Melissa, u are 100% correct. This is exactly what I was thinking (no I'm not a professional!). When I hear friends tell me how they help other people to the same extreme...I get a little nauseated cuz I know it is so not ok. They obviously are getting something for themselves out of it.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...