Yes, yes, yes, I know there are a billion kooky subcultures floating around out there on the internet, most of which are incredibly offensive to human beings with clear eyes and full hearts, and ripping them to shreds on a widely read blog is the very easiest of all pickins. And I knooooooooow we shouldn't give horrible people attention for their horrible ideas because it only validates them and makes them feel more justified in being horrible and then the horribleness continues unabated. And I know that as important as it is to call out hypocrisy and dog-whistle xyz-isms in mainstream media, it's pretty gratuitous and pointless to harp on the musty, marginal blogs of unhinged narcissists. HOWEVER, once in a while a thing comes along that's sooooooooooooo exceptionally kookoonanners that I can't not tell everyone I've ever met about it. Like now! Watch out for nanner peels! We're goin' in!

I came across this guy here via a tip about this article, which instructs frightened little boys on how to meet "shy girls," which is frightened-little-boy-speak for "silent, submissive, affectless bone-hole." It's pretty typical fare for the modern anti-feminist bro whose "ideal woman" isn't a woman at all but rather a meatloaf-wrapped Fleshlight in a bonnet. Par for the course. Nothing to see here. But then I started poking around and shit got weird. And I got sad.

Dude wrote a list of the "32 Things Every Man Should Do," most of which are variations on his obsessions with boldness and determination (it's in the URL so you know he's srs). And it's...amazing:

Advertisement

Physically build something—Nothing says girly man like an inability to build even the most simplest of objects. If you can't build a bookshelf or a nightstand it's high-time you get to building.

Then he talks about how his grandpa made him a bookshelf and he honors it above all other bookshelves. Fine, Franz. Your bookshelf really pumps you up. But I just have to ask, what's more "girly man"—not being able to build a nightstand, or using the word "nightstand"? Real men call it a "that table thing."

Build a business - Working for someone else is a soul-killer. Taking orders is for order-takers.

Setting aside the remarkable phrase, "taking orders is for order-takers," let's break this down a little. Doesn't leading encourage following? So if working for oneself is the only manly option, because men are supposed to be leaders, then aren't you deliberately undermining other males? What does this dude think of his employees? Are all of his male employees insufferable girly-men who wouldn't know a nightstand if it davenported them right in the credenza? So does that mean that he only hires female employees in the name of male empowerment? Because that's actually pretty progressive. Nice work, bro. Full circle.

Take privacy seriously - It's a new world, boys. All that seemingly harmless information you give to the internet can and may come back to haunt you. Your name here, your address there, your date of birth here, your social security number there and pretty soon a social engineer has all your information and will take you to the cleaners.

And, as everyone knows, ONLY GAY GUYS GO TO THE CLEANERS.

No. The real subtext of this one is, "Maintain your anonymity at all cost so nobody finds out that you're just some kid named Kevin and not really an oiled warrior in gladiator sandals exulting in the lamentation of your rival warlord's concubines." You have them fooled for now, Kevin. Keep it that way.

Just say no – Forget the excuses after you say "no".

Punk version:

Someone: Do you want to help me take care of my sick grandma?

Punk: Oh, well, I would but you know, I have this and that to do and I just don't have the time…

Shake hands - The hand shake is how men greet and address each other. The ‘fist bump' and other assorted bullshit is how lower forms of life greet each other. A firm handshake is an indicator of strength and respect. Respect for yourself and respect for others. The fist bump shows a clear lack of respect for tradition, strength and pride. Fist bumpers deserve a fist bump to the face.

Pretty sure that's racist.

Own you car outright – Debt is slavery...If you have the dough, go ahead and splurge on a luxury car. If you don't have the dough, work and build until you do have the dough. Until then, drive something cheaper. Remember, if you can't afford it in cash you don't deserve it. LIVE LIKE A SPARTAN.

YES. AS HERODOTUS TELLS US, THE SPARTANS ALWAYS PAID CASH FOR THEIR USED TOYOTA CAMRYS.

Eat meat – Meat is what produces testosterone, testosterone is what makes men. All those vegetarian dweebs you see are effeminate for a reason.

Science!!!!! As all doctors know, when a man fills his mouth with beef chunks, the magic beef seeds travel down the swallow-pipe, through the foody-sack, and directly into the dong receptors, packing the penis with the TESTOSTERONI POWER OF 1000 COWS.

This, actually, is the section that convinced me I had to write about Professor Bold 'n' Determined and his incredible mind-menagerie of life-smarts. Because, turns out, he's not writing into a vacuum here—he has readers. Real readers who share his concerns about muscles, whores, nightstands, meatloaves, and not being faggy. And one of those readers left a comment about this meat thing. It starts out almost human:

I like it. My only gripe is with he meat-eating part; I know personally some manly vegetarians. If you think about it, renunciation shows will-power and manliness.

Um, okay. I guess I see what your saying about "renunciation," although I'm pretty sure women are capable of coping with deprivation too (you know, like living for thousands of years without autonomy or respect!). So, not exactly sure where manliness fits in. But then who cares because oops there's more:

I understand that 99% of veggies are fags. What separates my friends apart from them is the fact that they are 100% continent, chaste.

Follow the 30 Days of Discipline bootcamp for winners - Discipline is the mark of a man. A man can control himself. A man sets goals and follows through. A man does what he aims to do. A man does not let baloney get in his way of achievement.

Where on earth are these people encountering large enough volumes of baloney to actually hinder their progress in life? GET OUT OF MY WAY, BALONEY. I'M TRYING TO BE A WINNER. (Pro tip: If too much baloney is getting in your way, just eat your way free—for your sperms!!! [See: meat thing.])

Keep a Positive Mental Attitude – Read motivating works and listen to motivating music. Despair art and sad music can easily put us into a depressed mood. Uplilfting art can uplift you and put you in a positive state of mind. Just say no to despair blogs, sad music and whiny bullshit. Say yes to high energy art.

Like...this part is kind of cute, right? Misguided, but cute. He looks at art to stay in a good mood! I guess if the imagery on his site is any indication, by "art" he means medieval illuminations of monks fighting lions superimposed with inspirational slogans like "DEATH TO BALONEY" and "NO BALONEY BALONEYS AS GOOD AS MUSCLES FEELS." You know, high-energy stuff like that.

Be loyal to blood - The thing about lowlife liberals is that they hate everything about their race and culture and wish to destroy it. They hate the strength and pride of tradition. Nonsense, embrace the traditional and embrace your blood. When push comes to shove all you have is your blood. No one else will ever do for you in times of need. Blood first, everything else a very, very distant second.

Okay, here's where shit gets rill. HERE IS WHERE THE SHIT IS ABOUT TO BE GETTING RILL, PEOPLE.

Ordinary anti-feminist meatheads are just a little meaty in the head, and maybe a little short-sighted in the getting-women-to-touch-their-penises department, but generally they are human beings who think inside of the box. But THIS special flurry of snowflakes seem to have pooped in the box (meat-poop; fiber is for fags), thrown the box into the garbage, thrown the garbage into the ocean, set the ocean on fire, and then squeezed through a tesseract to another dimension where everyone's absurd paranoias come true. Hold my hand, Calvin:

Stop watching porn - Heavy porn watchers are always Low-T having, light avoiding, pussy repellent boys. It's embarrassing to be a masturbater and it is shameful. No matter what the degenerate liars on tv say, it is nothing to be proud of. If someone walked in on you masturbating you would feel righteous shame. When you give up the porn you have time for more important things, like building a business, having more energy, attracting women, and being a damn man.

:-|

Line.

Mouth.

This section takes a turn because it's where dude and his followers reveal that they literally believe in witchcraft. Oh, never break bread with a blacksmith's widow on the full moon, or the stag god of the harvest will steal your seed to fertilize his crops moste sinistre! It's pretty darling, actually. You know, life is scary and complicated. Being a man, I have no doubt, is scary and complicated in about as many ways as being a woman is scary and complicated, and these are just young guys searching desperately for a path. A way to feel safe and human and important and worthy of life. Alchemical potions like "meat" and superstitious rituals like "don't touch your pants-dagger or you'll jizz out your soul" are simple, comforting attempts to impose order and stability on a chaotic world. They're shortcuts, of course—fruitless shortcuts—to avoid dealing with the real stuff, the hard stuff. Pretty much all of them could be undertaken without throwing non-whites, non-straights, and non-males under the bus (things like "stay out of debt" and "get some exercise" are fundamentally good advice that transcends politics). But that's what fear gets you. Isolationism.

They're just little boys looking for a magic spell to solve all their problems.

Never supplicate to women – Men are the rightful leaders. When you give your power over to a woman you are truly a vile little specimen. Women don't deserve undo praise and they certainly do not deserve everything men deserve. You've got to be the leader of your woman. If you aren't the leader of your women you are her follower. A follower is also known as a chump or a cuckold. Don't be a chump, be a champ!

Again, there's something cute about the cheery sloganeering and childlike optimism of this dude's philosophy. I want to not be a chump, but be a champ! I totally want that! The only parts I don't want are literally all of the other parts.

Take cold showers – Cold showers will turn a sissy into a man. Cold showers are the best. Cold showers refresh you. They make you feel alive. Cold showers get your blood pumping and your lungs working. Cold showers are how a man should start his day.

Again with the magic spells.

Don't talk too much - Talking too much about your future plans fools your mind into thinking you've already accomplished it...Before you accomplish you're just a talker, after you accomplish you're a walker.

Again with the rhyming.

Okay, I can't even bother with the rest. Sorry (not sorry) if I didn't make it to 32.

I know there's nothing new here, really. But what's so interesting to me about this community is that it's incredibly hateful and violent, but so vulnerable at the same time. It completely lacks self-awareness. It has dorky slogans. And superstitions. It's dripping with obvious anxiety about women and gays and anything foreign. It breaks my heart.

I can't think of anything less masculine (whatever "masculine" even means) than worrying frantically about your masculinity, nor anything more masculine than not being fucking bothered. It's only the people with the most insecurities who spend this much time thinking up ways to pave over those insecurities. If you're this terrified of losing something, you probably don't have it in the first place. And as much as these dudes hate me for being a fat loudmouth liberal feminist whore, I don't want to give them a punch in the mouth. I want to give them a hug. Because life is scary, I know. But it'll all be okay, little bros. It'll be okay.