Returns August 7 AT 10PM

March 16, 2012

New Rules

New Rule: If Irish Americans can manage to celebrate their heritage in just one day, then Southerners should be able to do so also. That's right, instead of spending the whole year flying the Confederate flag and saying the South will rise again, you get just one day. We'll call it "St. Cracker's Day." And we even have the t-shirt. [slide shown of girl wearing shirt with wording: "Kiss Me, I'm Yer Sister."]

New Rule: Donald Trump must move over. [slide of Donald Trump, Jr. in Africa] There's an even bigger douchebag in the family. Don Jr. traveled all the way to Africa, not to open a school or to deliver medicine, but to kill and mutilate a majestic elephant. You see, the problem with cutting off an elephant's tail, is then you can see the a**hole. He's the one holding the knife.

New Rule: Don't tell me we can't treat alcoholics with LSD. Even if it doesn't work, it'll make the meetings more interesting. If you don't think there's a place for acid in treating alcoholism, you've never seen "Liza with a Z." [slide of Liza Minnelli]

New Rule: Now that he's added $2.50 gasoline to his logo, Newt Gingrich must really "own it." And that means leaving the Republicans, finding that guy, Jimmy McMillan from the "Rent is Too Damn High" Party...[slide of "SNL" character]...and forming the brand new "Gas is Too Damn High" Party! [slide combines Gingrich/McMillan images into one]

New Rule: If an actor gets so much plastic surgery that they're not quite the same person, they have to change their name so it's not quite the same name. [slides of celebrities with much plastic surgery accompany these examples] Example: Did you see "Lindsay Lowland" on "SNL"? No, I was watching an "Arthur Schwarzenegger" movie.

Which one was that? You know, the one with "Dicky Rourke" and "Sylvester Stallion."

Now that he's added $2.50 gasoline to his logo, Newt Gingrich must really "own it." And that means leaving the Republicans, finding that guy, Jimmy McMillan from the "Rent is Too Damn High" Party and forming the brand new "Gas is Too Damn High" Party!

And finally, New Rule, if you watched that video of Joseph Kony and were shocked to discover that such terrible people live in the world, you need to fire whoever is home-schooling you.

Now...I said last week on the show that young people getting involved in bringing attention to the atrocities of Joseph Kony was a good thing. And it is. White kids from liberal homes are asking, "How can I help?"

And white kids from conservative homes are asking, "There's a black guy more evil than Obama?!"

Now, I know what all you college kids watching out there are thinking. You're thinking, "Hey, who turned off 'Jersey Shore'?"

Well, as long as we're all speaking frankly, or "rapping" as you kids call it...I thought I'd "hip" you to some other stuff in the real world that you might have missed.

First, the world is full of liars. If you're not sure how to spot a liar, apply this simple test: Does this person want my money? Does this person want my vote? Is this person staring at my tits?

If any of these answers is "yes," odds are the person is lying to you.A nd if the answers are "no," the person is lying but really good at it.

Second, you're not indestructible just because you're young. So, don't text and drive. If, for no other reason than gas now costs more than single-malt Scotch. It deserves your undivided attention.

Third: Mom and dad know where you hide your weed. And when you're down at the Jamba Juice laughing about how clueless they are, they're sparking it up and f**king on your bed.

And this one is very important, very important: the euphoria you feel upon first getting drunk or ten minutes after getting high, cannot be recaptured by drinking or smoking more. I know it's counter-intuitive, and I still find myself getting fooled by this one, but I bring it up because this is spring break time, which requires its own subset of advice.

Like, if you do get drunk, no matter how drunk you get, don't flash your tits. But, if you do, try to write Bible verses on your boobies so it sends a strong Christian message.

Also, very important, take a minute to stand in front of the mirror, sober at ten a.m., and dance. That, right there, is exactly how good you will look when you're out and sh**faced at two a.m. and thinking, "Hey, I'm an awesome dancer!"

And finally, the Internet is a wonderful thing. Without it, you wouldn't have a world of information at your fingertips, and I wouldn't have Canadian Vicodin.

But, it's not the answer for everything. Raising awareness about Joseph Kony is like voting for Obama in 2008. It's the beginning of solving a problem, not the end. Which is why this year, the hot spring break destination is...you guessed it...the Democratic Republic of Congo! Where you can track down a tan killer while getting a killer tan.

Because if you just make Joseph Kony famous without capturing him, he will win. Remember, this is America, where there's no such thing as bad press. If Kony is famous and free, I think we all know how this plays out. [slides accompany these fantasies] He goes on "Letterman," reads the Top Ten list. He goes on "Dancing With the Stars."

He gets his cell phone hacked. ["TMZ" slide]

He hooks up with another celebrity. [slide of magazine cover featuring "Konifer" - Jennifer Aniston and Joseph Kony]

And, of course, he goes into politics. [slide of "Romney/Kony" campaign poster]

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