Remember in Spider-Man 3 when a stone cold sober Sam Raimi chose to illustrate Peter Parker’s descent into darkness by turning him into an emo weirdo who sauntered down New York City streets making middle finger guns at passersby?
That utterly bonkers sequence seems like the best decision in the history of comic book movies compared to what a sad former MTV executive named Nick Shore proposed for the webslinger in a 2013 email to then Sony Pictures Chairperson Amy Pascal. Let’s see what game-changing ideas this middle-aged former television producer had for the teenaged superhero:

Hey Amy - just a couple of rando thoughts from 35,000 LAX-JFK:

Let’s throw this bitch in park for jussssssst a second. If you use the word “rando” in the first sentence of an email you’re sending to the head of one of the most powerful movie studios in the world, perhaps yelling “Bomb!” followed by “Allahu Akbar!” on that flight would be a better use of everyone’s time.

A rising trend we see with Millennials are the really extreme forms of experiential exercise like Tough Mudder (a sort of filthy triathalon), the Color Run and even things like Hot Power Yoga, veganism etc. Millennials will often post “N.B.D.” on their social media after doing it, as in No Big Deal, also known as the “humble brag”…..wondering if Spidey could get into that in some way….he’s super athletic, bendy, strong, intense….and it’s all NBD to him, of course.

I always thought a threesome was the filthy triathlon? Anyway, what if a kid who can climb buildings, swing between skyscrapers and lift cars also did far less exciting things like eat kale and run up a muddy hills after chugging three PBRs? Can you imagine how 100 emoji this would be?

Christ on toast. What’s next, Spidey moonlights as a DJ?

EDM (electronic dance music) is the defining music for Millennials. Wondering if there’s an EDM angle somewhere with Spidey? His movements are beautiful, would be awesome with a killer DJ behind it

Int: Dr. Octopus’ lair. Spider-Man descends slowly from the ceiling. Suddenly, Doc Ock — wrapped in glowsticks and covered in foam — appears on a neon stage. Skrillex, Calvin Harris and a dozen other strange white people who get paid a half million dollars a night to press play on an iPhone emerge from the shadows. WE LIVE FOR THIS!!!! UNZ UNZ UNZ UNZ UNZ UNZ!!!!

Snapchat just launched a “story” functionality, which is sort of “day in the life of me” told in a series of snapchats that expire after 24 hours. It has a very VIP quality about it, since invitation only. Getting invited into Spidey’s Snapchat circle would be huge, and very buzzworthy and cool.

Ohhhhhh, this is amazing! Spidey could take pictures of his free-range breakfast and post it on his Instagram page and swipe right to vanquish Venom and AHHHH SHUT THE FUCK UP OLD TECH PERSON! YOU’RE WORSE THAN THE YOUNGS WHO ACTUALLY ENJOY THIS SHIT!

Obviously, Pascal deleted this cringeworthy pitch the second it arrived in her inbox and in no way forwarded it to Sony Pictures CEO Michael Lynton with a “LOVE THIS” endorsement thrown in for good measure.