Don’t make a move, if you don’t know what’s good for you

“Hear ye! Hear ye! The annual meeting of the If It Ain’t Broke Don’t Fix It Festival Committee will now come to something that passes for order!”

“My thanks to the haranguer. Help yourself to the cheese, crackers and fruit, sign the registration form, grab a seat and put your phones on vibrate. First order of business, approve last year’s minutes . . .”

“Point of order!”

“Yes, madam secretary?”

“The bylaws state that we shall meet on Colorado Admission Day (Aug. 1) or exactly one month before the Colorado State Fair, whichever is easiest.”

“Yes, so?”

“Well, it’s Aug. 4. Too late for either of them.”

“Good point. Can we change the date of the Fair? Or, perhaps the bylaws?”

“Not without taking action, which is prohibited in another section of the bylaws.”

“Well, it looks like just another paradox in paradise. Let’s meet anyway.”

“Your highness, I have spotted discrepancies in the minutes.”

“Please, skip the titles. We’re all equals here.”

“Sorry, your grace. I have that disease where you’re sarcastic all the time.”

“Never heard of it.”

“Of course not, majesty. But, to my point, these minutes say that we would arm every citizen in Pueblo, instruct the militia to deter the potheads from taking over the city, ensure that marriage — even dating for that matter — is between a man and a woman and we would send our dogs snarling and growling to Washington to repeal unfunded mandates like Obamacare. None of those things happened.”

“That’s one interpretation. Seeing as how this is a new member, would someone like to explain our purpose to him.”

“I’ll take a stab at it, chief. So, rookie, the If It Ain’t Broke Don’t Fix It Festival Committee exists to ensure that the status quo is protected in order to project the most realistic possible image of Pueblo to the visitors who come here from around the world to the Colorado State Fair each year.”

“But what about these minutes?”

“Oh, we just let whoever feels like it dream something up. I think the Tea Party guy wrote ’em this year. We’ve never actually approved any minutes, which would be against the bylaws. But, the bylaws require that we at least present minutes for consideration.”

“Could I see the bylaws?”

“Well, I’m afraid that’s prohibited by the bylaws as well.”

“In a way, that makes sense.”

“Moving on. New business.”

“Light of Our World, I move that we resolve to pave the streets, require mandatory trash pickup, fully fund the police and fire departments and restore the parks to the glorious meccas of recreation that they once were. While we’re at it, let’s strive to have the best schools in the nation and create a work force fully employed at superior scale wages.”

“Is that your saracasm deal kicking in?”

“No, my lord, I was just trying to be helpful.”

“Well, knock it off or I’ll have the corporal at arms throw you out.”

“Corporal?”

“He’s an underachiever.”

“Can we wrap this up? I’ve got a tee time.”

“Right. Next on the agenda: Any report from the Powers What Be? Yes, you there at the back of the room.”

“We got nothing. You know, that stick your neck out, get it cut off thing?”

“Last thing, eyesores, weeds and trash?”

“All secure, sir.”

“Good enough! With that, we’ll adjourn the If It Ain’t Broke Don’t Fix It Festival Committee for another year. Remember: Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, and I wouldn’t do anything if I were you.”