Now I have an explanation of all the requests I have had from various dating sites from men with open relationships. It really is a popular trend. Last September I wrote about open relationships and the many requests I have received from men who are very happy in their relationships, but not monogamous. (according to them) And their spouse felt the same way. (again, according to them) Each would take a lover or multiple lovers, so they didn’t get bored. I also stated it was not for me. Still isn’t. No, I am not married, but I pretty much know, married or dating, it would not happen.

But it seems it is not unusual. Most of the men who have contacted me were on OKC. And, it seems, according to the Post, that a very high percentage of men (and women) on Tinder, who say they are single, are actually married. Hmmm, I think no one will be shocked about that information. I also think Tinder does not get exclusive rights to the high percentage of men or women who are really married. The percentages may vary, but really I would think all the dating sites can claim that one!

According to this Washington Post article, there are sites dedicated to meeting able and willing partners to eliminate the boredom of being married and with only one person.

There are also sites that focus just on cheating spouses. So if you feel the need for cheating, you can pick and choose. No hanging around the bars hoping to pick someone up to alleviate the hum drum life you have chosen. Now you have to write a profile, and make educated (non monogamous) decisions.

I am sure I sound naive. I really am not shocked there are sites like this. And I am not shocked that they are flooded with people, both men and women, looking to broaden their horizons. No one likes to be bored. Me, I go shopping or watch a movie. Is that too boring for the dating world?

It states as well, that no one is meant to be with just one person for life. Not humans. Apparently beavers and dogs mate for life, but people are not meant to do that. The couples that do not have a spouse that has cheated , appear to be in the minority. If you are open and honest about it, I believe it is written that it is not cheating. Monogamy is so yesterday.

Like this:

I have never experienced speed dating. I have vaguely thought about it, but have never actually made the move. Admittingly, I have been tempted but really have only seen the process in a movie. It did sound intriguing. What could I learn in a few minutes from someone? Though, sometimes, as soon as someone opens their mouth I know that either I don’t want to hear anymore, or I’m ready for a second sentence. I know on the dating sites I take a look at some pictures and think, “no thank you.” What would happen in person? The guy would start to sit down and I would say, “keep moving.” And in reverse, what if he said it to me? “Hey, don’t bother to sit down.”

But like online dating, you know right away, usually, if you want to message someone. Messaging online is so much easier, or safer, than in person. No one can see you blush, or get pissed off, or disgusted And yes, it does work both ways. Basically, it is easier rejection.

I received a groupon type offer for speed dating. I clicked on it and thought I would take a look. It just explained where the event would be, how much you pay and how much you save. But then I looked at the photos. There wasn’t a person over 30. Now I know they are not going to put wrinkly, old faces on there, trying to lure you in. I get that. But, for me, being way over 30, I thought, hmmm, is everyone here just out of college and just moving out of Mom and Dad’s house? It is like the brochures for trips to a resort, or a cruise. We won’t see fat, roly poly men and women in bathing suits, lounging around the pool, or sitting atop of a horse. Nor do we want to. It was clear who they are advertising this event for. Now I know any age could go, but looking at the pictures it discouraged me right away. Maybe I need to start a speed dating for over 50. Speed dating for cougars? Speed dating for boy toys? Hey this could work!

I also received an email to join SpeedDate.com. Speed dating online? I’m listening. Maybe many of you have already tried it. I’m catching up. Took me years to join the online dating crowd in general. Speedy is good.

Here it says you can message or webcam, and know right away. For me, there will be no webcam to start. I dont trust that. Who knows what will be waiting for you when you open a webcam to a perfect male stranger. Call me crazy, but that won’t be happening.

The process of elimination on speed date would be so much quicker and less painful, I would imagine. I may have to look into the site or the concept, just to see how it works, without cameras anywhere. Maybe like Tinder. Swipe him away in a second. Move on to the next. Can it be speedier than that?

No secret about older women liking younger men. Celebrities do it all of the time. Well, many women date younger, but we hear about the celebrities. And of course older men with younger women is a given. But hey, why not? For whatever reasons, you are attracted to a certain type. No need to explain. You like younger. Dont worry.

No need to worry about finding that one guy that you want to date. He is out there. Maybe not now , but soon.

Like this:

A christmas Marathon of Hallmark Movies , 24 hours , all day long, from Halloween through Christmas.

I will admit is is a guilty pleasure of mine. Maybe because through all of the heartache and pleasures, it always works out in the end. The single mom gets the job and, and, not to worry, her kids have a wonderful Christmas. And let’s not forget she always gets her man! Usually a girlfriend of the guy exists, but either she is a raging bitch, or a conniving, manipulative, after his money, kind of gal. They also switch it up a bit, and then there could be the money hungry executive who makes no time for the girlfriend, so of course she meets a gorgeous , kind hearted, altruistic guy on her way home to see her family. In some cases, he or she, just shows up at the door.

The part I have trouble dealing with, or should I say one of the parts I have trouble dealing with is, when an extremely good looking guy , or girl, ends up in someone’s home, celebrating Christmas with the family they have never laid eyes on before that day. Or maybe, as in the example below, they meet a stranger, bring them into their homes, with their children and family involved. And no one is skeptical or nervous that there is a stranger sleeping over and eating meals with them. And yes, I am aware this is fictional and on Hallmark, but no one should be that trusting. Even on TV!

In one movie, this good looking guy meets a single mom’s uncle at an airport. Of course they are flying to the same city, where this perfect stranger is invited into his niece’s palatial home, with her young son. And the airport is snowed in. Oh, she expresses a second of concern, stating emphatically, “who is this man? We don’t know anything about him.” And then he helps decorate the house, gets her into the Christmas spirit, cause her to dump the stuffy boyfriend, and yes, fall in love with him and they all live happily ever after.

Then there is the one where the cute girl accidentally goes to what she thinks is her boyfriend’s family’s home. She eventually finds out it was a complete misunderstanding, and being this is the first time she was meeting them, she finds she is in the wrong house. But it is a warm loving family, and we come to find out , the boyfriend’s family are cold, stuffy and don’t like to celebrate Christmas. Oh wait, I bet you haven’t figured the next part out. She falls in love with the good looking son of this impostor family, they get married and live happily ever after.

Sensing a theme here? Wouldnt it be great if we all lived a hallmark movie? Who needs dating sites? Just go to a town filled with Christmas spirit and your soul mate will be waiting. Oh and he will be good looking, wealthy, and maybe even a prince.

It’s a good escape. I can forget all of my dating troubles and all of my everyday life troubles. Does anyone really live a “Hallmark Movie” existence? Not in my world. Wouldnt it be nice to wrap everything up in 90 minutes? Get the job you want. Find out the ordinary man you are dating is really royalty and wants you to be his princess.

The list goes on. Same theme, some of the same Hallmark actors in each movie. Boy meets girl. Boy gets girl. All is well in the world and everyone is happy.

Dont worry. February brings the romance movie marathon on Hallmark. There is still time to fulfill your guilty pleasure.

Sports analogies are used quite often. Personally, I have never used one, because though I enjoy watching (not playing) some sports, I felt this one works. I am not a baseball player, though making a few million every time I went to work would really be helpful. But, to be honest, I am in a slump. The definition is made for me. I am not performing up to my expectations, or anyones I would imagine, And I am definitely in a drought. My game is off. A dry spell fits the bill.

An extended period when player or team is not performing well or up to expectations. A dry spell or drought.

Maybe one could call it a self-imposed slump. I get messages. I get offers, though some should be called solicitations. Take this gentlemen, and I use that term loosely. Again, a man one year younger than I am, so the category is my age group. Nondescript in the looks department, average, looks like an insurance salesman. ( now don’t go taking offense all of you insurance salesman out there. I could have said accountant, or computer geek.) He sends me a message and I respond with a friendly reply. Does he ask me to meet for a drink or a cup of coffee? Not a chance.

“Are you working?”, he askes me.

I responded and said , “Yes I am. All day.”

Then he says, Oh too bad. I thought I would come over and play.”

I respond with, “so let me get this straight. We had 3 lines of messages. Never talked. Never met. And you want to come over and play? I am not in the habit of having strange men whom I have never met come over to my home for sex.” Move on.

And may I add he was insulted and wanted to know what would be wrong with that? I should have asked him if he ever watches CSI or Law and Order.

So my slump continues. I get quite a few, So and So want to meet You” notifications. Do I want to meet them? NO. I cant agree to meet someone who looks like he lives in his mother’s basement. Or if he is holding a fish. Even a few messages that ask to meet. But I am not in the group of women, or men, I imagine, that will meet anyone for a drink or coffee, just to have another date. I do know women who do this. Many tell me they are not attracted to him, but hell why not grab a drink anyway, and then tell him no for next time. I would rather stay home. I have to be attracted visually or even, mentally, to want to got to the next step. I would not enjoy sitting there for even an hour, knowing I am only doing it to go out. Personal preference on my part.

A hitter can’t let a poor performance carry over into the next opportunity. Pouting or feeling sorry for yourself when you’re in a slump can become a habit, starting a vicious cycle that’s very hard to break.

I am definitely carrying over my slump attitude into other aspects of dating and even my life. Of course I am having a pity party. I detect a pattern, a habit as stated above. But habits are hard to break. I’m working on it. Baseball players practice their swings in the mirror, according to what I have read about being in a slump. I dont know what I can practice in the mirror. I guess I could practice saying, ‘yes’, or ‘don’t be a dating a snob,’ but I am not fooling anyone especially myself. I think it is more my attitude I have to change to eliminate the slump I am in. Or maybe a new dating site.

Your confidence builds. You are feeling good about yourself. Thinking, I am looking pretty good these days and you have a good feeling all around. You even think it is safe to enter the dating scene. So you accept a date.

One Tuesday I received a pleasant message. Spoke about our common interests and background. Thought he was a bit stiff, didn’t seem to have a light attitude or joke much, but I thought, ok, this is online. Chill out, give him a break. We set up to meet the following Tuesday, though he did ask at first if I was free the next evening, Wednesday night. “Sorry,” I said, “but I have plans.” ( I really did.)

We talked on the site for a few days, and one evening wrote that he was looking forward to meeting. I concurred and said it will be fun. He said he was going to NY to see his mom over the weekend. ( I had to assume he was telling the truth, I try not to be cynical every time) Very briefly on the friday of that weekend we spoke and then ended with we will chat before Tuesday.

Monday comes and no word. Yep, my wonderful, reliable gut was kicking in again. I did not have a good feeling about this. I sent him a message on the dating site and said “hi. just wanted to be sure we were still meeting up on tuesday.” I don’t feel comfortable having a plan for a week and not have confirmation. Nothing. The next morning, which was the Tuesday of our “date”, he sends me a message that says, “I’m very sorry, but I’ve decided not to meet. Best of luck in your search for love, peace and happiness.”

I was so annoyed. I wrote back and said “Wow nice of you to let me know before today.”

I didn’t ask why, though I really wanted to know the reasoning behind it. So many to choose from. He simply changed his mind, Maybe he met someone else and wanted to focus on her. Maybe he is simply a jerk. I admit, he tried to write it nicely, but it was not sitting well. I was insulted that he changed his mind. I do think it is merely frustration and /or annoyance that no matter what, I can’t seem to meet someone for a mere drink!

This guy was even in my age group. If nothing else I am giving myself points for that! He is in my decade! Could be a first. I have gone out with some very close to my decade, just short a few years. But I have realized that same decade or not, it doesn’t matter.

Sometimes you can read an article and think, “Do they know me? Did they peek into my dating world and get some ideas? This one is about being single and frustrated. How timely! I will take a wild guess and say I am not the only one, male or female, who at times, feel this way. I have had toxic relationships. Do I repeat the pattern? Do I pick the wrong men? I think, unless your dating life is perfect, one of these may hit home for you, If not, consider yourself lucky and not single and frustrated.

Humor, I realize, is a relative term. Some people have no sense of humor. Some people use sarcasm (me raising my hand), slapstick, dry humor , and wit to name a few. Did you ever say something that you just think is hilarious ,and the other person stares at you like you have 2 heads, and they are thinking, “What is so funny?”

When I first created my dating profile, I did write that I felt a sense of humor is important, and pretty much necessary. I like to laugh and joke. I am serious when I have to be , and sarcasm is part of me. I am not hurtful, but sarcasm and wit are my types of humor.

Sometimes you think something is completed , and there is just one little thing that occurs until you know you can add the cherry on top to be done. I should have known there would be a part 2 . Here is a continuation of my last post when I discussed the guy who did not want to reveal his age. (see “Ageless Dating”) As I had said, we had chatted for quite a while. He sent me his phone number and asked me for mine, which I gave him.

A few days later, we were talking on the site when he brought up the idea of talking on the phone. I asked him if he would be home that evening. Now, in my head, I was thinking, if he is going to be home, and I am as well, it would be a good time to have a phone conversation. He writes back and says, “wow, that makes me reminiscent of landline phones.” I thought about it for just a second, and realized he thought I meant that you had to be home to get the call. Which of course immediately made me think, “is he calling me old?” But, that is me and my paranoia, so I dismissed that thought, and wrote back. And here is where it all hit the fan!

Me: “Ha. OK smart ass. I just meant will you be available so we could chat.”

Him: total silence

One day later I get a message that says , “ I cannot call you on the phone. I am backing up.”

I write back and say,”I am not following you. What do you mean?”

Now, of course, I am thinking, “ Did I miss something?” And, also I am thinking you could have gone with your first impression when he was so dramatic about the age saga, but no, too easy. I have to find out.

I get nothing back. My assumption is, he certainly was backing off. OK that should do it for me. But no, I want to hear it.

The next evening I see he is on chat so I send him a quick “ Hey how are you doing?”

What do I get back.? “ I am mad at you.”

Enter 8th grade casting call.

WHAT? Which is exactly what I said to him.

He continues to say that he wasn’t even going to tell me, but he will.

I am thinking, Oh thank you lord. Now I can sleep. Really? You are gracing me with an answer?

He says, “ I don’t appreciate anyone calling me names. I hate when people call me names. That is rude and I haven’t even met you.”

I am sitting there reading these messages as they come in, thinking , “I called him a name?”

He then says, “You called me a smart ass. That is so negative and hurtful. I cannot talk to anyone that calls me a name.”

“I did not call you a name. I was joking. Just referring to what you said. As in sarcasm, as in, ok smarty pants, I get what you mean. Except I used smart ass because I always say that.”

That wasn’t going to do it for him, but I found myself defending my actions.

He continues, “ Maybe you and people you know do that . I cannot tolerate name calling.”

Now I am irritated because I realize he is not listening to my explanation. He finally tells me his ex-wife called him names and she cheated on him. Well now the picture is clear. Believe me, I don’t think anyone should call anyone names. And I respect the fact that he clearly has issues with this. But I was in the dark. How was I to know he had these problems with his ex, or in general? The fact that I had to go over the message history between us to find out that I called him a name, made me think twice. But , I really felt I wanted to defend my delicate reputation. I have never had a reaction like that in all of my life.

I said, well, first of all, I am not your ex-wife, and secondly, you need to understand that this was delivered in a joking , light way. I said if I had called you an asshole (which believe me was very close to next on my list) then you can say I called you a name.

But SMART ASS, was simply said in a lighthearted, joking way. His reply was well I didn’t take it as a joke. I’ll have to simmer down and see how I feel in a few days.

An hour later I checked on the site and he had deleted his entire profile. Never knew I had such an impact.

No, he did not take it the lighthearted manner in which it was delivered.

I did say at one point, “You know in person. One could hear the tone, in which a comment or expression is delivered. You can see the person’s facial expressions. “

He actually pondered that. But immediately assuming I was like his ex, tells me he is carrying more baggage and drama, then anyone should have to deal with.

No need to take the few days to simmer down. Simmer all you want. I’m good and quickly moving on.

I thought, honey, if you can’t tolerate that, there is no way in hell we could ever meet. You would be creamed by my sarcasm and my sense of humor. Everyone does have varying degrees of humor, but that is something you can learn about as you get to know someone. If you want to get to know that someone.

If you were worried, his profile is back up on the site. Glad to see it wasn’t permanent damage Inflicted. I may have felt bad. Or not.

Like this:

You can tell from the first sentence usually, that the message you are reading is clearly a bogus message and if you wait just a little while the user’s account will be deleted. As in these 2 cases. I knew, when I was called a “gentle soul,” in the opening line, that I wanted to get the conversation going, to see how long it would take for the account to disappear. It was 10 min, about 10 quick messages.

He begins with “hello i have to admit you are quite a gentle soul and one that qualifies to be a princess, can’t stand looking at your pic without saying hi….. was reading through your profile and i think we could try this and see where it leads us …. so tell me about the things you hate”

Did you have to read that last sentence twice? things you HATE? I read it twice and thought, well here is a new approach.

I responded with, “how do you know I am a gentle soul? I hate liars.”

Him: “okay i also hate liars i can see you are a gentle soul from your picture”

Me: “ok if you say so!”

Him: “oh okay please what is your name? and what are you looking for on this site? how long have you been on this site??”

Me: “been on for 6 months or so, looking to date for now. what about you?”

Him: “me today is my first time on dating site and am also looking for a soul mate please do you have kids?”

Me: (getting bitchier ) “oh I didn’t say soulmate I said date. yes I have kids and grandkids. do you have kids?”

Him: yes i have a son who is 17years please what do you do for living??”

Here is when it gets really good.

Me: “librarian. you?” (keeping it short because I knew it was about done)

Him: “what do you mean of librarian?”

Note: I am now gasping and laughing

Him: “me am an engineer so how long have you been single?”

Me: “do you not know what a librarian is? what kind of engineer? You certainly don’t sound like your profile is written.” (bitchier now because I don’t care)

Him: “lol oh sorry librarian oh you work in where they keep books right please forgive me am doing some things before chatting with you am an architect.”

And so it goes. I couldn’t bring myself to keep it going at that point. Checked about 10 minutes later. Account gone!

# 2 . Yes I keep these conversations going until I crack and can’t bring myself to respond.

Him: “How are you, I’m Jake your profile caught my eye! You sound very interesting. I will like to know more about you & your interests i can’t resist talking to you

Cheers, Jake

Me: “I am doing fine. and how are you?”

Him: “thanks for adding me up on here,i appreciate it..So how’s everything been with you? I will really like to get to know you more. Have you been on here for long, i joined not long ago.

Me: been on about 6 months. so how is Chicago?

Him: “Chicago is great…so what do you seek here?”

Me: “I guess someone to date. you? I see you are an architect? it says construction though?”

NOTE: I said this statement because just about every bogus account the job listed is construction.

Him: That is the closet to m line of work of all the professions there….I am to look for a woman i can spend the rest of my life, and not just any woman…someone who will understand and love me for who i am

Me: “I see. that makes sense. everyone wants someone who understands them I imagine. Sounds much more serious than your profile!”

NOTE AGAIN. his profile was funny, articulate, and made you want to meet him. DUH!

Then the next message is this:

Him:

What do you do for a living?

How long have you been on this internet dating site?

How many man have you ever meet on here?

Where are they from?

Did you broke up with them or you are still dating them?

What do you seek for in a relationship?

What sort of relationship you seek for?

What are the basic qualities you seek for in a man?

What interests you?

You ever been married?

What do you do for fun?

Do you like public intimacy?

How long have you been single?

What’s being single like?

How do you treat your man?

Why do you need a man?

Can you love this man?

What is love to you?

Would you hit your man for any reasons?

Chat soon

Take Care and remain blessed.

I hope I have Put the Questions to your satisfaction and if not bring on more.

Jake Cares

NOTE: I was going to leave it at that, but I couldn’t!

ME: “yea I don’t think this is working well. Are you kidding me?”

Him: “I don’t quite get you.”

End of story. NOTE: account deleted. this one took a little longer than 10 minutes. Maybe he was waiting for me to respond.

Do women fall for these types of messages? I also note that every bogus email, the “writer” says ‘am an architect’ or ‘am a widower.’ Never ‘I am.’ And really, every message I have received does this, and clearly, we will never be short of construction workers, because a very high percentage says construction under the job heading.

We all know there are thousands of men and women on dating sites. They are found throughout the world , all ages, sizes, ethnic backgrounds and even by relationship status. This article discusses a study done by the PEW Research Group on online dating. It talks about online sites, phone apps, and the opinions of those who participate in online dating ,and even those who know someone who has done online dating.

It did not surprise me that the majority of online daters are those in their 20’s to 40’s. And equally surprising to me, a much, much lower percentage in the over 50 crowd. Apparently this is an update from a 2005 study. This was published in 2013. Attitudes seem to be more positive about online dating, though there are still those who feel those who do online dating are desperate. Soon they will do a study on those people and we can write about that.