How to make online dating more successful

The frustration and over-disclosure of online dating can kill anyone’s sense of romance. If you ended 2013 in a romantic rut, relationship and attraction coachJoui Turandot has some tips for how to bring the romance back into your life in 2014.

By bringing the human side back to the world of electronic matchmaking, 2014 can be a year of romance. “Remember,” Turandot likes to tell clients about establishing the human connection, “romance is something there isn’t an algorithm for.”

Common Romance Killers in Dating Profiles

“It’s easy for men and women to get far too formulaic in their online information.”

In a world where we fill out so many “about us” sections online, Turandot points out it’s easy to get stuck saying the same boring thing over and over again. “I always tell clients to take their time when they’re writing, have a glass of wine as they work on the profile, listen to that album that makes you feel like your most relaxed and romantic self, ” Turandot says. And for particularly anxious clients: “Take it offline. Work on your profile in a word document or email; just something where it’s not immediately live and where you don’t have the pressure of the boxes staring back at you.”

The Approach

“Think of your first online approach as the equivalent to flirting with a stranger in a bar.”

Just like in bars, generalized pickup lines usually don’t work. If there’s one bad habit Turandot wants to break men of in 2014 it’s “mass messaging on dating sites. It’s never not obvious, it’s never romantic and it rarely yields results.” Read profiles before you write. Like in real life, flirting is half the fun, so don’t take things too quickly. “Part of romance is suspense, anticipation can really add to that sense of romance online,” Turandot says.

Take the pressure off

“Fear of the future kills romance.”

Try not to put too much weight on early interactions, but choose comfortable locations that invite conversation. Live in the present when you’re together; put away your phone and focus on enjoying the moment. Those dates where you’re both relaxed and open to fun are the moments where romance blooms so “let responsibility and commitment come into the discussion later.”

Stop checking off boxes

“Don’t check off boxes for profiles, don’t check off profiles for people in real life, and don’t check off boxes on a date.”

Dating online can lead people to think in forms and profile paragraphs out in the real world. Just because a profile seems to meet a list of qualifications, doesn’t mean you’re a guaranteed match, and the inverse is equally true. Romance requires flexibility and fluidity. If you’re too busy mentally reviewing a predetermined list you’ll miss those small moments of intimacy where romance can first spark.

Sincere enjoyment

“If a guy looks at me like a painting and then says I’m beautiful, it means more than if he gives me a once over and says it.”

“There’s a lot of pickup books and classes that tell men not to compliment women or to get too excited in the first few dates,” Turandot says. “I agree that complimenting a woman falsely or to get a quicker return is a bad idea but there’s nothing better than getting a really genuine compliment.” For Turandot, sincerity is essential in romance. Enjoying a date should mean enjoying all aspects, from the conversation to the view across the table. “Compliments are an essential part of feeling appreciated early on.”