I think we know the real reason the reported
$175 million Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis movie was moved.

"Jupiter Ascending" is terrible.

Don't take my word for it.

In addition to press, there was a number of general audience
members in attendance who received free advance tickets to the
media screening. (This is normal. You can usually get these
through websites like GoFobo.)

Here are some of the things viewers were saying as they headed
out of the screening:

"It wasn't bad ... it was horrible."

"It was embarrassing."

"That's what they spent $150 million to $200 million on?"

"I can't even explain the plot. You kill humans … so you can use
their genes?" (more on this in a bit)

The movie follows Kunis as Jupiter Jones, your not-so-average
looking maid who cleans houses for a living with her obnoxious
Russian family. One day, she finds out there's a bunch of other
species living outside of Earth and that she's actually the ruler
of our planet. Two groups of different people, one led by Titus
(Douglas Booth) and another by Balem (Eddie Redmayne), are out to
capture and murder her so they can have control of the
planet.

Why do they want control of the planet? To harvest humans. The
aliens have apparently been using human cells to create a
regeneration serum for some time.

Yep. That's it. The whole movie is about aliens wanting to
preserve their youth by killing humans.

These two guys want your
cells so they can keep on living for thousands of
years.Warner Bros.
Pictures

In a point that's sort of
glossed over quickly, but better explained in the film's
production notes, Jupiter is what is known as a "recurrence."
She's born with the exact genetic DNA as a royal that just passed
away and for some reason this now makes her the reincarnation of
that person.

But, unless I missed something, it's not clear how anyone knows
Jupiter even exists. It's not like her father or mother were
royalty. Jupiter has no clue she's royalty, and once she learns
she is, she doesn't find out that she has any secret, magical
powers. So the basic premise of the film, where aliens are
worried about Jupiter, a lowly, humble, toilet scrubber
overthrowing all of them, is pretty thin.

I don't remember the last time I've said "What is going on right
now?" (not in those actual words) so many times during a film
screening to myself. This isn't because I couldn't follow the
movie's plot, it was just because what was occurring on screen:
the dialogue, the acting, the strange-looking characters were all
so bizarre at points that there was no other way to
react.

Early on, when Jupiter is
learning she's royal, there's a scene where a group of bees start
to follow her. (Why are there bees hanging around? Why not?) The
group slowly builds until there's a giant swarm surrounding her,
but not stinging. When she moves her arms, they move with her.
When she asks why they do that, you're sitting there waiting for
a good response. Instead, the answer we receive is that the bees
sense royalty. The audience cracked up at this in disbelief. To
add insult to injury, this was followed up with the line, "Bees
don't lie."

I've never wanted to relive the Nicolas Cage bee scene from the
2006 "Wicker Man" remake, but this was all I could think
of:

2. Random egg
selling

Warner Bros. Pictures

There's a crazy subplot early
in the film where Jupiter considers selling her own eggs at the
behest of her sleazy cousin (you can't make this stuff up) to
make some easy cash. He wants to buy a big flat screen TV and
Jupiter has her sights on a $4,000 telescope on eBay.
What?

I guess this was supposed to be humorous. It's not. It's kind of
just gross, especially when Sean Bean, who plays a secondary
character, later tears it off on screen, waving it at
Kunis.

4. Channing Tatum is a half-human, half-wolf

Murray Close/Warner
Bros.

You read that right. He doesn't
have a tail, but he does have a keen sense of smell, some pointed
ears, and, yes, he does growl a few times in film. Honestly, he
looks ridiculous, and because of that, and some added eyeliner,
it's difficult to take Tatum, seriously. Even his name is Caine,
an obvious reference to canine.

5. Kunis' character continually hits on half-wolf Tatum,
and it makes for the most awkward screen time and dialogue
ever

Jupiter tries to appeal to
Caine's canine side in the most unappealing
way.Warner Bros.
Pictures

The two actors have chemistry; however, the romance between the
two feels so overtly forced, even the audience could tell.
There's a scene in the movie where Jupiter says she's into Caine.
Here's how that conversation goes down.

Caine: "I have more in common with dogs than I do with you."

Jupiter: "I love dogs."

The audience burst out laughing at this. Later in the film,
there's even an overt reference to "Beauty and the Beast," to
describe their relationship.

6. The creatures are terrifying.

The creepy ETs can be seen
off to the right.Warner Bros.
Pictures

An early scene in the film
shows a group of short aliens trying to abduct a woman. These are
some of the creepiest things I've ever seen on screen, and it's
probably why you haven't seen a trace of them in marketing. The
film's production notes say they're supposed to "resemble classic
grey ETs."

The same goes for a bizarre lizard/dragon mashup with
wings. Warner
Bros. Pictures

Some of the characters just look like knockoffs of other sci-fi
animals. There's an elephant-looking creature that pops up a few
times that looks like a mix between Ten Numb and
Max Rebo
from "Star Wars."

You can sort of see him here in the background.Warner
Bros. Pictures

7. And then there's Eddie Redmayne's character, Balem
Abrasax, who is on a completely different level of crazy in this
film.

This stance tells you
everything you need to know about Redmayne's character in this
film.Warner Bros.
Pictures

After a masterful
Oscar-nominated performance in 2014's "The Theory of Everything,"
Redmayne gives a pitifully poor performance as a spoiled brat. He
comes across as a fragile, strange creature, who speaks in eerily
calm, creepy whispers. Then there would be these disjointed
moments when he would scream out loud at people. Audiences
laughed every time this occurred.

It was as if Redmayne was actually channelling the awkwardness of
Michael Sheen's vampire character Aro in the "Twilight" movies.
It was essentially the same role.

The Wachowski
siblings said they
wanted to put together a bunch of genres — a sci-fi film mixed
with a thriller, an "action epic," and a "love story" — but in
doing so, it's hard to figure out what this film wants to
be.

There's no question that it's a sci-fi flick, but other than the
ridiculous premise, the entire film doesn't feel original. It has
the feel of "The Fifth Element," for its elaborate and outlandish
space creatures and ship designs, and "Ender's Game" (for same
space visuals). However, unlike "The Fifth Element," I doubt
we'll be seeing re-runs of this on cable television anytime soon.

There were three good things about this film:

1. There's a point near the end where Kunis (sort of)
beats the crap out of Redmayne's character.

I was waiting for Kunis to be this break-out strong female
character, and other than a few small parts in the film, she's
not. She's whiny (she complains about how she hates her life in
the beginning of the film), she's insanely gullible (she's
convinced to marry a guy she just met in practically seconds even
though he plans to kill her), and, except for a brief part in one
of the film's climactic moments, she plays the D.I.D. (damsel in
distress) to Tatum's character for most of the film. Sigh.

2. Channing Tatum's gravity boots

Warner Bros. Pictures

Caine soars through the streets
and skies of Chicago and other worlds with these special
anti-gravity shoes. Imagine using a hoverboard turns your shoes
into flat roller skates and you have the idea. It was probably
the most entertaining part of the film.

3. The visuals.

One of many gorgeous shots
of other-worldly planets in "Jupiter
Ascending."Warner
Bros.

There's no question that there
was an incredible amount of time devoted to making sure the film
was visually beautiful. The film's production notes mention that
to get the right shades of purple, indigo, and gold into the
film's background at one point, they shot the film at a specific
point of the year in Chicago between 5:15 and 5:45 a.m. That's
dedication, but it's something viewers won't appreciate because
most moviegoers aren't going to know that going in to the
film.

18 months were spent visualizing costumes and hundreds of alien
looks and hybrid human/animals for the movie before filming
began.This gown had Swarovski crystals sewn into the
fabric.Warner
Bros./YouTube

However, this is the downfall
of "Jupiter Ascending." There's too much attention to detail and
too little focus on the big picture. If the Wachowski siblings
spent as much time on the story as they obviously did on the
film's aesthetics, the movie may have had some potential.
However, the visuals alone are not going to sell me on a movie.
There needs to be some meat and potatoes with my
gravy.

Right now, BoxOffice.com is tracking the film to make
$19 million opening weekend. The duo's last film, 2012's
"Cloud Atlas," starring Tom Hanks and Halle Berry, debuted to
$9.6
million. Instead, Paramount's "Spongebob Squarepants" sequel,
which has been over a decade in the making, is expected to
dominate the weekend
making $35 million.