Friday, July 22, 2005

Deadline Hell

And so, nothing further today. Will work on the promised upgrades and category changes to the sidebar this weekend. If you've recently crosslinked for pimpage, please remind me with an e-mail. I think I've got my list together, but not sure.

One quick thing, though, for all the young directors out there: slo-mo is not your friend. SLO MO IS NEVER YOUR FRIEND.

A conscious montage can be a really great thing. Also, I've yet to hear an argument that has effectively proven that Friday Night Lights is nothing short of a 2 hour montage... a kickass two hour montage. Berg was tripping balls, and although NPH wouldn't do that, he would... and I think it worked beautifully. However, there's nothing worse than a film that creates montages out of deleted scenes, otherwise known as the Chris Moore School of Post. American Pie 2 and American Wedding have elaborate montage sequences that were concieved in post, a mismatched collection of extended takes and subplots that would have always been abandoned during the screenwriting phase if anyone had a flying fuck idea what they were doing. I would have liked to have seen the earlier version of AP2 at the very least, to see Stifler's dad, the entire second act of the film, and other assorted JB "cowbell nipple piercing" Rogers came up with.

I started listing classic film moments that wouldn't be as effective if they hadn't been in slo-mo, but once I reached 435, I figured... what the hell... leave it be. It's a matter of opinion. Maybe slo-mo is the friend you vouch for, then find out you were wrong when he skips town owing everyone money, and you find out he really didn't graduate from college, and he's addicted to pogs. Maybe slo-mo isn't our friend after all. Maybe an acquintance at best. Everything I thought I knew was a lie.

Yeah. Slo-mo is not your friend. Unless you're Peckinpah. Or Woo. Or the boxing scenes from Raging Bull. Or the Matrix fight scenes. But that's it. Wait, there's also the award montage in Boogie Nights. And the shots of Travis watching Betsy in Taxi Driver. Or the Bride doing a back-flip in Kill Bill Vl. 1. And Steve Austin running (okay, I'll give you that one.) And Buffalo Bill cocking his gun. And the snake-wrestling scene in John Derek's Tarzan, the Ape Man (okay I'll give you that one, too.) But there's still Spider-Man leaping through the Green Goblin's flying blades. And Bruce Willis running through the airport at the end of Twelve Monkeys. And the truck in Duel plunging over the cliff. Or making love on a real train in Risky Business. Or...

All I have to say is: Get back to work! I am not out here in the heat of New Olrenas summer lugging lumber around so you can complain about deadlines then spend your time posting comments after you have told us you are busy.

Instead, I am here so maybe one day your being busy will mean I will be busy working for you or at least on something you wrote (you know, a New Olreans script or locale in a script wouldn't kill you). Now get to work.

And don't complain about Mr. Bay and the slo mo. The homo erotic scene of Will Smith running down the road in Bad Boys in slo mo made the man a star. As for voice over, personally I love the voice over in Way of the Gun.

Soon The Rogers is going to rant about how nothing and no one is your friend. You are truly and utterly alone. Still, American Outlaws could have benefited from some slo-mo and some voice over work. I'm waiting for the sequel, American Inlaws, with Robert De Niro as the stuffy father of the new bride to be, played by Mary Kate and Ashley. Does he get drunk and accidentally sleep with the wrong twin? Yes, he does! Les Mayfield isn't available, as he's too busy swimming through his sea of gold coins, benefit of doing The Man (not directing -- DOING), Scrooge McDuck style. May I suggest Shawn Levy?

And don't pretend you never watched it. Or that you watched it for the storylines. Or that you liked the serious scenes, when they'd need to call in that one real actor to come and act for a bit - you know, the ugly bald guy with a tache.

The Island was a goddamned masterpiece. Fuck the haters. I love Bad Boys. I love The Rock. I love Armageddon. I love Bad Boys 2. I bought Pearl Harbor, and now there aren't any rings on my coffee table.