This my story of being an American in Montana and my pursuit of Muscles, Wisdom and other random shit along the way.

The Nuts, Berries And Fruitcakes!

I am not afraid to admit it…Now…But I have been doing a lot of shopping lately at the Whole Foods and Real Foods stores.

I use to try to avoid them in the past just because I thought they were over-priced (they still are) and some type of trendy gimmick (still kind of think they are) But the more time I spend in them the more I notice that these establishments tend to attract a specific breed of customers and employees, they seem to be present in both of the locations I shop at, so it must be a “thing” that I am only now aware of.

If you have shopped in these types of stores before then I’m sure you have run across these people too. Or maybe YOU are one of them.

The “I’m Just Here For Lunch Customer”

I am starting to believe the Whole Foods stores are strategically placed in college towns or just really congested areas, that way you will find a bunch of people who really only go to the Whole Foods store simply for ease of access. They are the ones eating boxed sandwiches and not doing any grocery shopping. You can recognize them by their business attire and overall general malaise sitting in the vegan-filled food court.

The Overly-Hip Employee

Their car bumper sticker reads “Wild About Organic” and they LOVE working at Whole Foods more than those Walmart employees whose greatest joy is the daily “Gimme a W” cheer. This person knows where everything in the store is located. From the lavender oils to the smoked mozzarella. And as you pick out apples, they shout “Grannysmith” like a contestant on “Family Feud.”

The “Non-Employee” Employee

It’s disturbing that these people even exist, but they do. They are almost always patrolling Whole Foods and they don’t even work there. They just love the ambiance of the place and have hung around for so long that they have the whole establishment mapped out. Much like the Overly-Hip Employee, they are eager to share a bunch of suggestions for what you should buy, yet they never actually have a shopping basket full of anything.

The “I Just Left The Gym” Lady

She is dressed in sweats, sneakers, a fleece and yoga pants. Anything to make you understand that she goes to the gym. You will find her jogging down the aisles with her cart and stocking up on Greek yogurt. She also has just one banana in her basket and countless store brand water bottles. If you are anywhere near her, just move to the side, she doesn’t have time for your shenanigans… She goes to the gym after all.

The “I Don’t Know How I Ended Up Here” Employee

This person isn’t from the Whole Foods stock. They don’t even eat organic food and they don’t know what pescetarian is either, yet they are there carting bushels of star fruit and wondering why their job is selling weapons from Fruit Ninja. Don’t ask them anything about the store, they will just sic the Overly-Hip Employee on you. Oh yeah, and they devour the Free Bird nuggets during lunch. It’s the only fried thing they could find.

The Tree Hugger With A Bowl Of Oats

These people are dressed like they work the register at the nearest Hemp Products store. They are white, yet have a hideous pile of dreadlocks on top of their head and usually wear a t-shirt from either Phish or Grateful Dead tours. They eat everything from the salad bar that looks scary, like wheat berries, what the Hell are those anyways? They know and they always look at your salad bar choices with disdain.

The “This Place Is Too Expensive” Customer

When they get their groceries total, they always make a face like the cashier waved a dead skunk at them. Then they mumble something about how this place “costs too damn much” yet they show up at the same time the following week to stock up on the same over-priced food that they will complain about all over again.