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In July of last year, my husband and I were subjected to every parent's nightmare. Our local police department came to our home to tell us that our daughter was dead, having taken her own life the night before.

The next several months are a blur of misery and grief. Every day was like a punch in the gut, waking up to realize my baby girl was gone, having died alone and filled with despair. For as long as I live, I will never understand her choice.

I wish a lot of things about events surrounding my daughter's death. I wish she hadn't felt so alone. I wish she would have told someone - anyone - about how she was feeling. I wish the medical care she was receiving had been more effective in treating her depression. I wish I had kept closer tabs on her after she'd moved out of our house. Above all, I wish I could have helped her find her way into the light.

But what I don't wish is that she lacked agency in making her decision.

Agency is a person's capacity to act in the world. People who have agency make their own decisions, and move through their lives choosing their paths as they will, not without outside influence, but without outside compulsion.

People have a right to make their own decisions. They have the right to determine their life's course without being compelled to make the decisions that others want them to make. I believe this to be true, and even though this belief has led me to the greatest tragedy of my life, even though my daughter's agency led to her death and broke my heart, I cannot change this fundamental belief just because the people I love don't choose as I would wish. Forsaking this belief is to force tyranny on others, or worse.

Agency is what makes us human and allows us to craft our own destinies. This power is an enormous gift, and a tremendous burden. I cannot wish it otherwise, even in my life's worst hour.

About Me

I am a Hot Chick living in Castle Rock, CO with my fabulous family. We have a rescue dog named "Jackson," and she's a Basenji/Shepherd mix. She's something of a head case, but we love her. I'm a U.S. Navy vet, and I currently work as an Enterprise Solutions Architect, specializing in VoIP and multimedia contact center design. I'm a Trustee for my local library, because LIBRARIES. I care about science, the U.S. Constitution and the military. I'm a tax and spend liberal in a largely red county, but I try not to be stabby about it. I like to color, I aspire to run faster than I do, and I donate knitted cold weather gear to various charities. Stupidity, cupidity and wanton assholery piss me off, and I'm more than a little soft when it comes to dogs and those who serve others. I blog about whatever I feel like. I use foul language, so if that sort of thing offends you, feel free to fuck off now - if I'm unwilling to clean up my language for my fabulous Great Auntie Margie, I'm unlikely to do so for you. Newcomers are welcome here, especially those who disagree with me, but trolling and spamming will be met with the Shovel of Doom™.