Thursday, 10 October 2013

'People are saying...': on being criticised

A few days ago a fellow priest tweeted that she was having a
tough time in the parish because she was finding herself criticised and
misunderstood. Which of us hasn’t been there, and not just clergy but anyone who
has a public leadership role of any kind?

I can’t pretend to be an expert on how to deal with these
difficult experiences (ask my wife!). However, age does bring a certain
perspective which I find helps. So I thought I’d reflect on what I’m trying to
learn about this. Here are eight points, offered tentatively because this is a lifelong journey in the making.

1Accept
that criticism is a completely normal part not just of public life or parish
life but life. Don’t think of it as unusual or exceptional. It’s the
consequence of having views, making decisions and acting on them, being your
own person and not subject to other people’s whims, fancies and directives. If
you are not being criticised, take it as evidence that you are not making an impact,
are subject to others’ power over you, and have not yet begun to live as an autonomous grown-up.

2Stay in role. Try hard not
to begin by taking it personally, but see if you can discover what aspect of
your role is under scrutiny here. A leader is a symbol of the institution or community
of which she or he is the visible representative. Symbolic people always
attract unconscious projections and transferences, especially in the church
which is itself a richly symbolic environment. It may be that whatever is being
criticised may have more to do with what you represent than with you
personally. It may have historical dimensions you are unaware of. There may be
unacknowledged authority issues for your critic. Sometimes you can distance
yourself and say that this genuinely has nothing to do with you personally.

3Don’t let your natural hurt
or resentment get in the way of your emotional and spiritual intelligence.
Being self-aware is all-important. Ask
yourself whether the issue may have something to do with your personal style or
attitude in leadership. If it does, you may still be entirely content with how you
are, and how you handled whatever it was that provoked the criticism. On the
other hand you may want to ask yourself if there was anything you could have
said or done differently, or some way in which you could have been different in the way you exercised
your ministry. That's always a good question to ask.

4Don’t be rough with your
critics. Try not to be defensive. Above all, show that you are listening
carefully. Look them in the eye. Answer
with questions that will help you to clarify what is at issue. Don’t get into
a heated argument if you can help it, especially if the language of right or wrong starts creeping in. Don’t raise your voice, even if you are angry. ‘A
soft answer turns away wrath.’ If there is a genuine disagreement, by all means debate it, and don't apologise for having your own views even if they are unpopular. But stay in your head and don't shout.

5Identify accurately when you
need to apologise. If saying sorry is necessary, then don’t delay: say it as
soon as you can. But don’t apologise for something you know in your heart you
shouldn’t apologise for, even if others are exerting considerable emotional
power over you. You must never sacrifice your own integrity. But when you
apologise (not ‘if’ - who doesn’t have to say sorry from time to time?), resist
the temptation to explain yourself. ‘I’m sorry’ is often completely disarming. ‘I’m
sorry, but I need you to know why it happened’ less so.

6Reflect on the experience
of criticism. It’s not comfortable to do, but we have a lot to learn from it,
both about the dynamics of relationships and organisations, but also about
ourselves and how we cope with negativity in our roles. If you got angry, notice it and ask why. If you have a
supervisor or someone in an accompanying ro le towards you (maybe call them a ‘critical
friend'?), take it to them for discussion. Hearing ourselves talk about bad
experiences with a skilled listener can be both healing and informative.

7Don’t indulge in feeling misunderstood
or criticised. Nothing is more destructive of good leadership than harbouring
grudges, especially when you are up against the same few (and it’s usually a
few) who want to find fault time after time. In the psalms, the antidote to
resentment is gratitude. It’s good to foster the habit of finding things to be
thankful for in the workplace despite the challenges. One day it may be possible to be grateful for
what you learned through others’ criticism of you: despite what it felt like at
the time, it may have given you insights you didn’t have before, and helped you
to learn.

8Finally, alwayscherish your integrity. It is the most
important gift we bring to leadership. It’s vital that we can way when
criticised that we meant it for the best and had at heart the welfare of others.
When I mess up, this is what I come back to. Most people will forgive our mistakes
if we acknowledge them, and they believe that our motives were altruistic and not
self-serving. The psalm speaks about ‘truth in the inward parts’. It’s not that
we can’t deceive ourselves (‘and the truth is not in us’), but taking seriously
our human and spiritual development will help us recognise self-deception when
we see it. And own up to it where we have to.

Like I said, it’s work in progress.In leadership,
in ministry, it always is.

About Me

Lives in retirement in Northumberland. Was Dean of Durham 2003-2015; before that, in cathedral and parish ministry, and in theological education.
Ponders and writes on faith, society, the North East, arts, books, Europe and anything else that intrigues.
My Durham Cathedral blog to 2015: http://decanalwoolgatherer.blogspot.co.uk.
This Northern Woolgatherer blog from 2015: http://northernwoolgatherer.blogspot.co.uk.
My archive of sermons and addresses: http://northernambo.blogspot.com.
Tweets at @sadgrovem.