Dear Church: Stop Preaching Forgiveness Without Teaching Boundaries

Working with victims of abuse and survivors of trauma and also being one myself, the most difficult thing, by far, that I have encountered in church settings from the Mormon brand of Christians, is the focus on forgiveness that is pushed and peddled as the remedy to our pain.

Forgiveness is not a remedy for trauma. Boundaries are.

The Atonement is not the antidote for abuse. Safety is.

Let me explain.

We often hear talks about forgiveness. We have lessons on forgiveness. But when is the last time you learned about forgiveness AND learned about boundaries at the same time? The principle of forgiveness should never be taught without the essential principles of accountability, boundaries, and safety. But somehow, these paramount principles that empower those who have been wronged to work towards forgiveness of those who have wronged them are not covered regularly in the forgiveness paradigms or the Atonement repertoire.

The Principle Of Forgiveness Is Weaponized In Abusive Situations

In fact, let’s take a look at what it says in the Gospel Topics under Forgiveness. This passage is directly pulled from the text under the subheading of “Forgiving Others.” It reads:

“In addition to seeking forgiveness for our own sins, we must be willing to forgive others. The Lord said: “Ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin. I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men” (Doctrine and Covenants 64:9–10).

In the everyday circumstances of life, we will surely be wronged by other people﻿—sometimes innocently and sometimes intentionally. It is easy to become bitter or angry or vengeful in such situations, but this is not the Lord’s way. The Savior counseled, “Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). He set the perfect example of forgiveness when He was on the cross. Referring to the Roman soldiers who had crucified Him, He prayed, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34; see footnote c).

We should pray for strength to forgive those who have wronged us, and we should abandon feelings of anger, bitterness, or revenge. We should also look for the good in others rather than focusing on their faults and magnifying their weaknesses. God will be the judge of others’ harmful actions” (Gospel Topics, Forgiveness).

Nothing inherently wrong with the material here, except for it’s omission of a key component: SAFETY. Safety should always be first priority in any situation, especially in following the teachings and adhering to the principle of forgiveness. Specifically, this language of forgiveness without safety and boundaries can and is so easily weaponized in situations of abuse against victims who are experiencing unsafe and unhealthy circumstances of repeated debasement or intentional maltreatment.

Forgiveness Should Never Be Taught Without Safety

Forgiveness should never be taught or framed as a necessary requirement for healing in situations of abuse, profound mistreatment, or exploitation. Instead, a clear and distinctive caveat should be made that in abusive situations in which a person has been victimized and traumatized, the requirement for forgiveness is absolved from the victim’s burden and the primary focus should be on safety and healing, however and whenever that may come organically to the victim. We simply cannot have forgiveness without boundaries and vice versa. Safety, not forgiveness, should be first priority in situations that are unsafe.

Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery, an organization that helps women find safety in situations of abuse and has served a near total of 700,000 women, states,

“If a crime is being committed in the case of physical or sexual abuse, it is important that victims report this to proper authorities first and foremost. Many times, victims feel that they want to seek assistance from the church leaders because of cultural norms and they assume their church leader is a safe person they can see as a first point of contact. But so often, we hear of women being told to forgive in situations of abuse and encouraged to stay in these abusive and unsafe situations. Being let down by church leaders especially in situations where physical and emotional safety are being violated is traumatizing for victims. There is a reasonable expectation of safety and protection that members have when they seek guidance from their spiritual leader. It can be spiritually abusive when that expectation of safety and protection is not upheld by religious leaders in which they have placed their trust in. This spiritual abuse compounds the trauma that victims already feel, often adding a devastating layer to the damaging effects they experience” (Dear Clergy: It’s Time To Stop Enabling Abuse).

You may be asking yourself, is this really a problem? Of course everyone knows that safety is a priority, right? My answer to that is: We may think that everyone knows and understands that safety is a priority, but how can we make sure they know if we are not teaching this? It is a problem, but one we can address.

How Can We Help Trauma Survivors To Feel Safe?

We can supplement the narratives and lessons on forgiveness with language and teachings about boundaries and safety. Take this lesson in the Primary 1 Manual for children, entitled “I Can Forgive Others”:

“Hold up a copy of the Bible. Explain that in the Bible, Jesus told us to be forgiving. One of Jesus’ apostles asked him about forgiving others (see Matthew 18:21–22). Jesus told him that we should always be forgiving. Explain that the Bible also tells us that Jesus was forgiving.

Display picture 1-59, The Crucifixion. Explain that the soldiers were very cruel to Jesus. They beat him and spit on him. The soldiers drove nails through Jesus’ hands and feet and hung him on a cross to die. Explain that Jesus forgave the soldiers. He wasn’t angry with the soldiers for what they had done to him. (Be careful not to be too dramatic as you tell this story. Some children may be very sensitive to the idea of people hurting Jesus.)

This lesson should and could easily include a teaching about personal safety for children. We should be careful to not normalize the notion that abusive situations in which they are being physically harmed (or otherwise harmed) need to be suffered needlessly. We can teach children about setting boundaries and safety. Ethically, we must teach this, especially to the vulnerable and impressionable within our flock. We can use role playing activities to help kids be empowered to set their own boundaries and say “Stop,” “No,” and “Don’t do that” when they feel uncomfortable about something or someone. We can emphasis that no one expects us to suffer physical harm in order to abide by gospel standards. Jesus wants us to say, “No” when someone hurts us on purpose.

Seeking Accountability Can Be A Healthy Step For Victims Of Abuse

Here is another quote from the lesson entitled, “Forgiving Others With All Our Hearts,” found in an adult instructional manual:

“A common error is the idea that the offender must apologize and humble himself to the dust before forgiveness is required. Certainly, the one who does the injury should totally make his adjustment, but as for the offended one, he must forgive the offender regardless of the attitude of the other. Sometimes men get satisfactions from seeing the other party on his knees and groveling in the dust, but that is not the gospel way” (Forgiving Others With All Our Hearts, From the Life of Spencer W. Kimball).

Nothing inherently wrong here either, except that this language can be and often is weaponized within the church culture in situations where a victim wants restitution and seeks accountability for the abuses they suffered. Many times, I hear accounts of victims being shamed and guilted for wanting restitution and seeking justice. A survivor wanting their abuser to be held accountable is not something that comes out of anger or bitterness. It is something that comes from healing in a healthy way and knowing and realizing their own divine worth. It is not something that is satisfying or spiteful for a victim but something that is a stepping stone along the path of healing and peace.

What Are Boundaries And How Can They Help?

We must emphasize that in situations of abuse, forgiveness should not be the goal. Safety should be. There should never the expectation for anyone to stay in an unsafe or unhealthy situation. We can teach this principle of safety by teaching about boundaries. Boundaries provide a plan for people to know what to do in an unsafe situation. Boundaries can help provide clarity. Boundaries can be carefully predetermined, or they can come up naturally as a predictable consequence. Boundaries are not things to be said. They are actions to keep a person safe. They do not need to be stated in order to take action. A good way to think about boundaries is to complete these sentences:

I do not feel safe when ____________.

In order to feel safe, I will ____________.

Boundaries are not a way to control another person. Rather, boundaries help the person who is victimized or abused to find safety. We must include teaching on boundaries when we teach about forgiveness.

One recent talk that I did appreciate is Elder Holland’s, “The Ministry of Reconciliation”, given in the spring 2018 session of General Conference. He does include a paragraph highlighting the need for healthy boundaries in situations of abuse and trauma:

“It is, however, important for some of you living in real anguish to note what He did not say. He did not say, “You are not allowed to feel true pain or real sorrow from the shattering experiences you have had at the hand of another.” Nor did He say, “In order to forgive fully, you have to reenter a toxic relationship or return to an abusive, destructive circumstance.” But notwithstanding even the most terrible offenses that might come to us, we can rise above our pain only when we put our feet onto the path of true healing.” (The Ministry of Reconciliation, Jeffrey R. Holland, April 2018)

We need more talks like this and every talk or lesson on forgiveness should be like this, with a clear directive that forgiving does not mean forgetting and staying in an unhealthy situation.

Teaching Forgiveness In A Trauma-Informed Way

If we want to teach the principle of forgiveness within the constructs of the gospel, we can change the way we frame it to make it healthier for survivors of abuse. Viewing forgiveness as something that allows the victim to release themselves from the burden of a situation that they have no fault for at all can be particularly helpful in healing work. It can also create a trauma-informed atmosphere for survivors to feel safe at church to talk or share about their trauma without fear of judgement from others. Forgiving should never be conflated with forgetting in situations of abuse.

“Nothing clarifies boundaries more than forgiveness. To forgive someone means to let him off the hook, or to cancel the debt he owes you. When you refuse to forgive someone, you still want something from that person. It keeps you tied to him forever.

Refusing to forgive a family member is one of the main reasons people are stuck for years, unable to separate from their dysfunctional families. They still want something from them. It is much better to receive grace from God, who has something to give, and to forgive those who have no money to pay their debt with. This ends your suffering, because it ends the wish for repayment that is never forthcoming, and that makes your heart sick, because there’s no hope.

If you do not forgive, you are demanding something your offender does not choose to give. Even if it is only a confession of what he did, this ties him to you and ruins boundaries. Let the dysfunctional family you came from go. Cut it loose, and you will be free,” (Boundaries, by Henry Cloud).

Each year, we have a total of 52 weekly lessons in several different ward auxiliaries, approximately 150 sacrament talks, 52 weekly youth activities, and many other church enrichment events. Surely, we can spare at least one of these opportunities to include teachings on safety and boundaries to help all of those within our midst, especially victims of abuse, to understand that they deserve healing and peace.

Lesley holds an RN, BSN from the University of Texas. Lesley has authored several published articles across a variety of platforms. She functions as a Community Health Nurse for vulnerable populations and serves as a survivor advocate for victims of abuse. She aims to raise awareness of the effects of trauma on individuals and how trauma impacts community systems. Lesley has certifications and training in Trauma-Informed Care, Community Advocacy, Faith and Spiritual Development, Familial Mental Health, Culturally Competent Care, Domestic Violence Awareness, and Resiliency Development. Lesley lives in Virginia with her 4 children and her really hyper chihuahua, named Chaos.

19 Comments

Brian Bresee
on September 2, 2019 at 4:50 pm

For me, although close at times, the language in this article was not strong enough. The LDS church as a matter of policy, victim shames to reduce its liability risks, guilting those seriously harmed to replace seeking justice with simply forgiving and letting the Atonement heals things without one hint of repentance from the abuser. A victim must never be coerced to forgive simply to satisfy the demands of Kirton/Mcconkie, simply to reduce contention in Ward/Stake. The healing of the victim must always be the first concern, something prophets, seers, and revelators currently place very low on the list after serious abuse occurs with the policy they put forth for local leaders to follow.

I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse who has struggled with forgiveness as often taught in church. I also have found forgiveness to be very important for healing from the trauma, but a different kind of forgiveness. This forgiveness is not centered on the perpetrator, but on me. If I remain angry and motivated by vengeance, than I am revictimized by poison from within. I find a balance, maintaining enough anger to motivate boundary maintenance and help others in similar situations. My forgiveness merely means I am not consumed by anger. It has nothing to do with forgetting what the person did. I do not insist that all others be like me with this. I only offer this perspective in case it helps someone else.

I really appreciated your comments Tad. It took me 22 years to let go of the anger. That is a long time! But all that time, it kept me in a fearful, hurt state. It truly was poison to my soul. I love how you said, “My forgiveness merely means I am not consumed by anger.” I do not think the Lord ever meant for us to ‘forget’ what happened to us and by whom, but when He asks us to forgive, I think it has more to do with our own spiritual/temporal health than anything. “Let the anger go, let me take care of it.” When I finally let Him take that burden, I felt immediate peace.

Darell, forgiveness should be given freely, not coerced as is happening in the church, that is Lucifer’s plan. Also a victim’s forgiveness must not replace justice and repentance, which would mock the Atonement, as mercy cannot rob justice. And finally, a victim’s forgiveness must never leave another in harm’s way.

Brian, that did not answer my question. If a victim is coerced to forgive, it is not true forgiveness. I am with you that it must be given freely. I do not believe it is happening in the church, except perhaps in rare occasions of inexperience or even more rare arrogance. I can see the great potential for misunderstandings of intent, and when it becomes a public forum of “he said” and “she said”, the whole issue becomes void of the Spirit due to contention.
And a victim can forgive an offender and still wish him well in prison or after a divorce. I agree that forgiveness needs not interrupt justice. I do sense that many may wish punishment as payback or revenge. That, to me, is cancer to the spirit and more harmful than anything on the physical spectrum. I don’t mean to sound insensitive, and I acknowledge the suffering of others, some who may be reading this, is greater than I have any personal experience to comprehend. But He who has experienced suffering beyond anyone’s capacity to grasp has not only the balm for healing, but has shown us how to love those who hurt us.

It is the spirit within each of us that needs caring for. In the eternities, it is the spirit that must rule the body, because spirit and element inseparably connected receive a fullness of joy. That is what we are preparing for. If we do not forgive, without compulsory influence and in the Spirit of love, our spirit will not be capable of piloting a fully glorified resurrected body any more than I could fly the Space Shuttle. All of our combined experiences on earth are training us to that eternal goal. Achieving that goal is only possible through God’s plan and only understood as we experience and overcome the opposition.

I still want to know if this article is suggesting that there are exceptions to Christ’s mandate that we must freely forgive those who trespass against us.

Darell, Because you believe it rarely happens, it appears you have spent very little time talking with victims of very serious abuse that occurred in the church. For almost all, especially if such abuse is a liability risk for the church, they were aggressively pressured to simply forgive and let the Atonement heal their harm as a replacement for seeking justice for a unrepentant perpetrator, on the instructions from Kirton-McConkie (church attorneys) answering the ‘Bishops Hotline’. Yes, policy instructions coming from prophets, seers, and revelators to do so. To bring up forgiveness before justice has been sought, others have been made safe, is an evil manipulation of scripture being used to protect the church’s money ahead of protecting children from serious life changing/ending abuse.

Not at all. We can forgive them and are encouraged to eventually when we are ready. Forgiveness is always available by the blood of Christ. An incredible gift. If the other person is not repenting or doesn’t care about their behavior, we don’t have to engage with them. We can pray for them and surround ourselves with safe people.

I do not perceive this is what the article says, that there are “exceptions” to forgive. Every person is responsible to seek forgiveness in their hearts for those who harmed them. Forgiveness is usually a process within the soul with the help of prayer, gentle counsel and God’s Grace. However, forgiving does not mean to hold the perpetrator accountable, set boundaries, or (if a crime was committed) seek legal assistance and pursuing justice (have the abuser pay the consequences for their actions). Also, to set boundaries and hold the perpetrator accountable is necessary not only for one’s own protection. Most abusers, if left to their own devices, tend to repeat their abuse. Therefore it also helps to protect possible future victims. Many Churches put more emphasis on “forgiveness” when if comes to men abusing women, especially if they are wives. Jesus does not have a double standard for forgiveness.

I agree that boundaries are very important to reduce risk of further abuse or hurt. Forgiveness means you let go of any need for revenge and instead hope for the best for the offender. This frees your heart and mind. Boundaries should save you from future harm. Thank you for this article. I see that our lessons could easily include discussion of boundaries.

Well stated. If I am attacked by the neighbors dog, I can forgive the dog and I will not be hanging out with the neighbor and dog where I can be attacked again. I don’t want to carry another persons pain. I will release myself from connecting to them. I can always choose to be safe. When I know they are abusive, I can forgive them as they are sick. I move to a safer environment. I wish I understood this in my younger years. I attempted to try to help them be nice. It worked as well as the angry dog description
Being well is a job between them and God. It really is none of my business or responsibility. I am not a therapist or magic healer.

I can’t fully imagine the journey one must travel to overcome injustices inflicted upon anyone whether its physical, emotional or sexual. Truly it’s a long and difficult road to travel!
As one who has been blindsided by unexpected disclosures both public and private on more than one occasion – it has created for me what can be determined an abusive experience and projected responsibility. For me – informed notice or permission would help me be prepared for a difficult appointment. I believe many other listeners are perhaps victims themselves, married to one or related to one are and cast into very uncomfortable situations.
The person who is seeking resolution has only learned lessons from an abuser and can’t be found at fault for seeking assistance – but the victim should also have access to some information about steps to go though in seeking information and counsel.
Some of those should include: Informing of the need for a private confidential visit. Asking for additional time, and possibly access to counseling should be disclosed prior to the appointment.
I don’t believe any religious leader should be held at fault or blame when they are uninformed and blindsided. The broad church curriculum, meeting schedules, Priesthood Leaders and others are perhaps on the same journey and some on the exact devastating topic. The Gospel of Jesus Christ is about the Atonement and forgiveness! It is very clear and specific!
The abused victim may be on the journey of forgiveness that will take a lifetime but nonetheless it is their journey – not the fault or blame or a confidant or religious leader.
I would suggest than an unbiased organization produce a brochure with steps for a person abused to follow on how to seek counsel. In that same brochure a page could be dedicated to the person who gives counsel for the steps to direct the person seeking guidance, and then a final page about the Mission of Christ, the atonement and knowledge that this could take a lifetime to overcome and how to live with the grief and pain until they find peace on their journey.
I believe an organization not affiliated with the church could produce such a helpful travel guide with the help of inspired Priesthood Leaders in SLC so that it is worded properly and without placing undo liability on any organization in the community.

Why is there such a glaring omission in the doctrines and policies if it is truly led by God, Jesus Christ, and true prophets, seers, and revelators? It doesn’t seem like a true church that claims singular deity authorization and leadership would be missing such a key process component and subsequently hiding behind man-made legalistic constructs. That is what I am not getting here. Where is the spiritual discernment to not appoint abusers to leadership and to discern abusers before they abuse? And then to own up to it and pay the price later. Something is amiss. Is it part of the plan to allow abuse (no discernment) and then downplay it afterwards (mitigate liability)? My church can do better!

JR, you asked a question that perhaps you assumed was rhetorical, but may very well be a key issue. “Is it part of the plan to allow abuse …?”

Consider the following scriptural principles and see if they are dots on the big picture puzzle that connect.
Did Jesus use spiritual discernment when He called Judas to leadership? Judas’ abuse created the greatest suffering to the most innocent Victim.
In addressing offenses to little children, Jesus said in Matthew 18:7 Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!

And what of Alma and Amulek who witnessed women and children burning? Amulek wanted to stretch forth their hands to draw upon the powers of heaven to put an end to it. What was Alma’s response? That is a tough doctrine to present, and I don’t bring it up without feelings for those who experience and suffer from abuse. I don’t have all the answers, but it is paramount to consider all possibilities when prayerfully seeking answers. Suffering is, and always has been a part of life. Jesus, according to Hebrews, learned obedience by the things He suffered. Is it part of our taking up the cross to follow His lead and learn obedience the same way?

Truth is defined as a knowledge of things as they are, as they were, and as they are to come. If we are to understand the truth of abuse and suffering in this life, can we do so without considering the pre earth life and the after life scenarios? Without going into detail for time sake, there was war (suffering) in heaven that separated 1/3, and we are at war (suffering) with evil in this life to separate the tares and chaff, so that eternal life can find joy and peace for those who will learn obedience as Jesus did. Hebrews continues by saying that Jesus became the Author of salvation to those who obey Him.

I believe the best and most effective approach to avoid the effects of evil, including abuse (but realizing no one can be completely immune from warfare), is set forth in the simplicity of a Children’s Hymn. Keep the commandments, in this there is safety, in this there is peace. Even if boarders are are violated, Justice will surface from the injustice. This is another reason we call it faith.

My ultimate question is this: why didn’t Jesus teach us about boundaries, which I agree are essential? My answer, after much tribulation, studying it out in my mind, and research, is that Jesus’ teachings are out-dated. I rely now more on the advancing social sciences, on TED talks about boundaries, good, solid, firm foundations now. These have helped me heal more than Jesus. Unfortunately (or fortunately).

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