As another year winds down, I find myself disappointed, a little sad, and a little mad. Okay, more than a little mad. The backslide I’ve been in continued much too long, and while I have started over many times, I feel this time I really AM starting over. From the beginning.

I can point the finger at many ‘reasons’ for the backslide, but in reality there’s no one or nothing to blame but myself. And I am going to own that. I could say going to work an hour earlier in the morning caused me to not get in a morning workout. I could say my living situation – with the hubs working out of town until just recently – caused me to not cook good meals. I could say a busy schedule caused me to just not have enough time.

Truth is, that’s all a bunch of crap.

I allowed myself to become lazy.

It doesn’t take much to fall out of a good habit. One or two times of skipping that early morning workout to enjoy a few extra minutes of sleep in the warm, cozy bed…one or two times of eating Moe’s or Chinese for lunch and saving leftovers for dinner so cooking isn’t necessary…one or two times of not making oneself a priority when it comes to entering activities in the calendar.

It’s interesting to see how much confidence and faith we have in our future self. We eat that sweet treat or bag of Doritos because Tomorrow Me is going to work out hard. We stay up too late – but that’s Tomorrow Me’s problem. We forget about the little things that add up to make a big difference.

If you know me or have followed my journey for any length of time, you know I love a good, clean slate. A shiny, new fresh start. And here it is. We’re a little over a week away from the biggest clean slate of the year. Not just a new week or a new month, but a whole new YEAR. It may just seem cliche but it excites me. It gives me a feeling of hope and confidence that I can right the ship and get back on course.

It’s not going to be easy. If it were, wouldn’t everyone be their ideal size and in their ideal health? But I know there are some simple adjustments that can be made.

I will get my butt to bed earlier. I will set my alarm but leave the phone in the other room so there’s zero temptation to lay in bed and scroll Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Pinterest for an additional 30-40 minutes after settling in under the covers. (Thanks, Mel Robbins, for that piece of advice.) Speaking of Mel, I will be putting into practice her 5 Second Rule to bust through the excuse-making and get things done.

I will take time to plan meals. Cooking feels like a chore to me most of the time, but I know if I spend a few hours once a week planning and prepping some food, the rest of the week is much easier.

I will move my body every day. Ideally, this will happen in the morning. If I do it first thing it’s harder to talk myself out of it or find another chore that needs done, and once it’s done for the day, it’s done!

I will set goals and put them in writing. A study conducted years ago proved that people who wrote their goals down were exponentially more likely to reach those goals.

I will define my WHY and post it somewhere I’ll see it every day.

I’ve dwelled long enough on the negative of how I allowed this to happen – – it’s time to take action and do something about it. Time to make things a little easier on Tomorrow Me and do something each day to make Tomorrow Me’s job a little easier.

I don’t know HOW I have allowed myself to go almost FIVE months without blogging. Totally uncalled for and there really is no good reason. You have probably noticed over the last year to 18 moths, I’ve been less present on the blog and on social media. Especially when it comes to fitness and nutrition.

I didn’t make it public before, but since it’s winding down I feel comfortable sharing that since January of 2016, my husband has been working out of town. He’s not in another state, but the job site is a good hour and 20 minutes away from home. We are VERY fortunate that our camp is somewhat close to the job. Home is about 75 miles, camp is only about 25. He doesn’t get a company vehicle or gas reimbursement, and having to start work at 7 a.m. means that when he does stay at home, our alarm is blaring at 4:45 a.m. So, week after week, hubby has lived at our camp and come home on weekends.

So, we’ve found a new normal these last 18 months or so. And I’m not gonna lie….it’s gotten old.

I know there are military spouses who say goodbye during a deployment and don’t get to see each other in person for months at a time. I am not trying to compare my situation to theirs (I know I have it MUCH easier), and I absolutely understand the hardships military families endure. But this is my situation and it’s been difficult. We have been lucky to have weekends together. But there is always so much to try to cram into a weekend from chores and To Do’s to leisure and fun.

I have done such a good job at keeping myself busy (seriously; something in my calendar at least 3 nights during the week and most weekends have an event of some sort) that there have been times I allowed excuses to get in the way of my goals. Actually, there has been plenty of time passed that included NO goals at all. Ridiculous.

I have never hidden the fact that I struggle with consistency and self-discipline. And let me tell you…while I am not in any way blaming my husband or his job (well, I can blame his job a tiny bit but it’s not his fault) it was pretty easy for me to let things slip. I don’t like cooking a meal for just myself, because I don’t want to eat leftovers for 3+ days. So, there were nights I ate popcorn for dinner. Or mornings that I slept in until it I had to get up and hustle to be ready and get to work on time. Guess what? I gained weight.

So, since January I have been working on myself and getting back to happy. I completed the Ultimate Reset (which I already mentioned in a previous post), I participated in a Made to Crave book study and loved it so much that I led my own group a few weeks later!, and most recently I’ve been testing out a few things diet-wise. I’m loving this journey of re-discovering myself and the new things I’m learning about food and nutrition and most importantly, how my body responds to various things.

One thing that struck me last week was a question one of my friends on Facebook asked: “Are you still a Beachbody coach?” That was a bit of a wake-up call to me. Why? Because I AM still a Beachbody coach…but I have certainly not been acting like one. I am supposed to be walking the walk (which, lately, I’ve been doing) but I am also supposed to be sharing my journey and helping others on their journeys. To be perfectly honest, I let myself become a bit embarrassed at how inconsistent I had been, so I wasn’t sharing and helping like I should have been. Facebook definitely is a highlight reel for just about all of us….and I am included in that. It’s a place where we share what makes us happy. It’s a place where I like to spread positivity and not rant and complain. So now it’s time for me to put myself back out there and share the good, the bad, and the ugly. If you’ve read this far (to the end! Hooray!) then I feel it’s safe to assume you will be along for the ride.

The first few months of 2017, I have focused more on getting back to setting goals, eating more mindfully, and expanding my strategy to improve my fitness and build a leaner, stronger body.

In January, I completed the Ultimate Reset…and I realize I never updated the blog with my results. It was a challenging three weeks, as I knew it would be, but I definitely got back in touch with my feelings about food and reminded my palate that there are some vegetables that taste really good besides asparagus and brussels sprouts steamed and buttered. The only negative part for me was some of the food on the plan and the recipes provided. I didn’t want to spend money on obscure items that I was quite certain I didn’t like, so I repeated some meals. I burned myself out on squash and sweet potatoes….I ate those a LOT. Overall, I lost 11 pounds and I felt really good inside. It’s hard to describe the ‘inside’ feeling but it’s like I could feel how clean my insides were. I feel like that sounds goofy, and I swear I wasn’t stuck in the bathroom for three weeks. I just felt like things were working the way they should and the bloat feeling was totally gone too. Funny how I didn’t feel bloated until I wasn’t.

After the Reset, I did allow myself to fall back into some prior habits. While I don’t feel like I let things get totally out of control, I know I could have done better about staying on the wagon of clean eating.

I went back to using my colored containers from 21 Day Fix and I am still working to improve my consistency with those and also limiting my treats.

I started a new round of The Master’s Hammer & Chisel and am feeling good about pushing my body and lifting weights.

One of the best things I’ve done the last few months is join a private book club group where we’re reading “Made to Crave” by Lysa Terkeurst. The goal of the book is to help readers satisfy their deepest desire with God and not food. Our group is on Facebook, so we members are spread out around the country. We each bought a copy of the book and our leader posts action steps, thoughtful challenges, and instructions in a private FB group. She then hosts a weekly 30-45 minute zoom call where we can log on or call in and talk about the week’s chapters, nuggets we read that struck us, challenges we faced, and victories we had. The chapters are brief, so it’s a pretty easy read. The author lists a handful of personal reflection questions at the end of each chapter, and those help us dig in a little deeper.

I’ve enjoyed this group so much because not only has it brought me closer to God, it has brought me closer to a few women I knew on an acquaintance level and introduced me to others who started as strangers. It’s been a safe place where we can ask for encouragement and help, share a victory, and really be vulnerable about our struggles with food.

Just today, I faced a big challenge and I felt very weak. The boss brought doughnuts to work and they were on the department snack table just 8 feet or so from my desk. I had an immediate reaction of excitement when I saw them and she announced where they were from (the best in town, in my opinion). Less than a minute after my excitement, I felt weak…almost panicked. It was a feeling I don’t often feel when there’s a treat nearby that I want….I usually either just decide I’m not having it or I get up and grab some. There isn’t normally this moment of ‘What do I do?’ I went right to our group’s FB page, and posted: ‘Help!! The boss brought doughnuts!!’ And, if you use Facebook these days, you know that a post that short will appear in an extra large font on FB. Only when you type a certain number of characters does the text shrink to normal. It was laughable but I really hoped one of my fellow Jesus girls (as Terkeurst calls us) would jump on and see the notification and offer words of support.

One of the big things we are learning while reading Made to Crave, is to pause and pray when temptation greets us. We’ve learned that God created us to be creatures with desire. But we are to desire Him. He is stronger than any temptation, and he has given us more power over any food. While I drank my superfoods shake (that in previous doughnut situations I have finished and chased with a doughnut) I prayed that God would take over. I stayed put while co-workers picked out their treats, and reminded myself that I can have a doughnut anytime….this was a good time for me to practice saying “no”….that I needed to USE my willpower muscle in order for it to get stronger.

It was only a few minutes before one of my group members commented on my panicked post and told me to stay strong. Another shared some encouragement and also some info she just heard on a great podcast (Episode 236 of The Chalene Show, if you want to listen). I kept them updated and it really wasn’t long before the temptation passed. I had made a decision and I was going to stick to it. Around 10 a.m. the boss came and took the box with remaining doughnuts to the break room where they would no doubt be gobbled up quickly.

I felt strong and satisfied, confident that I could do that again. I was so grateful for what I have absorbed from the book and for the support I have from the other ladies in the group. We are nearing the end of the book but I feel a strong urge to read it again but maybe take it a step further and lead my own group. I know I can only become stronger in my faith and in my own relationship with food by helping others navigate through their journey.

I’m looking forward to more growth and self-discovery in 2017 because so far it’s been great.

I’m just over the halfway hump in my 21 day journey called the Ultimate Reset, and wanted to give a little update. If you aren’t familiar with the Reset, here’s the short description: it’s an intense 3-week program that cleans the system and ‘resets’ the body back to factory settings.

The first week’s meal plan includes a little chicken, salmon, and eggs…but weeks two and three are vegan. That’s a big change for someone like me who has meat every day, sometimes both lunch and dinner. This program is TOUGH. There’s no sugar coating that. Oh, speaking of sugar….that’s definitely NOT in the plan. Neither is caffeine, alcohol, or processed food. What have I been eating? A ton of vegetables, fruits, and whole grains.

I have to say, I’ve been HUNGRY much more. I know that’s actually a good thing, for your body to get to the point where it tells you it’s time to fuel up. Eating just to eat isn’t always a good plan. And sometimes we eat just because the food is there. I think my hunger was a result of a few things: 1. switching from eating every few hours to eating just 3 meals and an optional afternoon snack, 2. eating more correct portions, thus not being stuffed full and becoming hungry sooner, and 3. I simply didn’t eat enough at some meal times.

I’m not gonna lie – – the first week or so I struggled HARD. I had to break the bad habits of snacking anytime at work and over-indulging. That made me really nervous, because the first week is usually the least challenging of the three since meat and animal products haven’t been eliminated yet. How would I survive the second and third weeks??

Somehow, I’m doing it. I’m still experiencing hunger but it’s okay. My body is operating efficiently. And I think the decreasing number on the scale that is helping to motivate me. And as far as mindset goes, it’s a weird thing. My cravings (which were all mental “I wants”) are gone. I am okay with passing up the birthday treats we’ve had at work and the package of Oreos on the snack table near my cubicle. The first week, I still had an open bag about 1/3 full of mini marshmallows. That was my cheat. I’m not going to lie about that! I would shove a handful in my mouth but then that was it. It lasted a few days until they were gone. I didn’t dig into anything else, and there are other foods in the house that aren’t permitted on the Reset plan.

It’s kind of like a switch was flipped somewhere in these 11 days and I have been able to just not want the things I had been eating that got me so far off track. That’s not to say I haven’t thought about pizza, dips, and snacks….I have a few times. But it didn’t bother me much.

The scale has moved, like I mentioned, and I will wait until I’m completely done with the 21 days to reveal what I’ve lost. I’m very pleased with what I lost in just the first week, and I’m hoping more weight comes off.

I know this has to work into my new normal. I can’t just finish the 21 days and go back to eating what I was eating…what would the point of all of this be? So Day 22 will become Day 1 of the 21 Day Fix and I think it should be a pretty seamless transition since I’ve already been eating so clean. Food prep and cleanup takes a good amount of time and I’m getting used to it. And if you make enough at once to last a full day or more, you’re cooking less often.

I’ve brought myself back to a mindful state. I’m aware of my measurements, my weight, and how I feel when I’m putting healthy foods into my body. I’m aware that I won’t reach my goal in 21 days, or 42 days, or even 63 days. It’s going to take time. But consistency will be the key and I am finally back to a place where I feel like it’s not impossible. Praising God for bringing me back from a place of feeling hopeless, worthless, and powerless.

My last update was November 2; about 2 1/2 months ago. A lot has happened, and very little has happened. In the ‘lot’ category: snacks, take-out, fast food, wine. In the ‘little’ category: healthy packed lunches, meal planning, self-control, basically giving a hoot.

I was in a funk and I didn’t really care enough to pull myself out of it. It’s like I was waiting for something to magically yank me back to the mindset I’ve known before, and it wasn’t happening.

My jeans became uncomfortable. My XL shirts became snug. Meanwhile, I have a dresser and closet full of size L tops that just a year or two ago I was ~this close~ to fitting back into. And 5-6 pairs of jeans.

The new year came and I did my usual goal setting. The biggest is to get my weight and health back on track. Reality really smacked me in the face when I stepped on the scale a few weeks ago and the number was 3 pounds heavier than when I started Weight Watchers seven years ago. I lost around 30 pounds on Weight Watchers…much of it in the first year. Scratch that – much of it was lost in the first 7 months because I started WW in May. Between May 2010 and May 2012, I lost 35.8 pounds.

THIRTY-FIVE POINT FREAKING EIGHT.

I had to go look at the numbers just now to see my weight loss trend, and it’s just crazy what lies we will tell ourselves but ya know what? Numbers don’t lie. NUMBERS DON’T LIE! In black/white it’s staring at me. From 2010 to 2012 I logged my weight and measurements off and on and it was a consistent downward trend. For some stupid reason, I stopped logging there and would write it down on a scrap of paper – when I actually took my measurements, that is.

I wonder how this is coming across to you as a reader because as a writer, my mood has actually shifted since beginning this post. I started this post as an update, but when I had to look up just how much weight I had lost, I became angry. You see it, the ALL CAPS up there!

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So I’ve wrangled my thoughts back in and will get back to my update. When I saw that ridiculous number on the scale earlier this month and was aware that I felt like crap most of the time, I knew it was time to get real.

I ordered the Ultimate Reset. If you’ve followed me for a while you know I have done it twice before. (Click on the Ultimate Reset category to see blog posts from the previous rounds.)

The Reset is a specific, strict program that helps the body restore itself. The product tagline says it pretty well: Reclaim, Release, Restore. For me, the first week has basically been about reclaiming my control over my mental and physical cravings. I have spent months eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and exercising when and if I wanted. I forgot the power of compound interest. One candy bar or Taco Bell $5 box won’t make much of difference right away, if any. But that seemingly small, insignificant thing, compounded over time, can be devastating. The second week is what is sounds like….the body will release the junk. What I like about the Reset, though, is it’s not a ‘blast-off’ type of release…if you get my drift. It’s an entire week of the program because the supplements make it a more ‘gentle’ release. A Detox supplement draws toxic substances from the lining of the colon, but an insoluble chia fiber in it transports the junk out of the body. So without getting too graphic I can just say I know to expect a few productive trips to the potty but I won’t be living in there. :)

The third week is when I will continue to just treat my body well and give it the crazy healthy things it needs while it ‘bounces back.’

The first time I did the Reset, I lost 11.5 pounds over 21 days. I was extremely happy with those results. I lost six or seven pounds the second time, and I was consciously just going for progress, not perfection. I couldn’t be too upset about the weight loss.

This time around, I don’t really know just what to expect. I am much heavier this time…so I believe I will lose at least what I lost the first time, if not a little more. I would be ecstatic with a 15 pound loss but I’m not setting a concrete goal for weight. Losing is losing at this point. I had to just get that ball rolling.

I decided to jump right into the Reset because moderation was obviously not working for me. I needed something drastic. I also know I will have a somewhat significant loss, so that was appealing as well. A good loss would motivate me to keep going on the right track.

Today is Day 4 and I have done pretty well. If anything, I haven’t eaten enough. There are at least two meals in the last four days where I didn’t have the recommended side dish. That wasn’t intentional; I either ran out of time to put it together or didn’t like that day’s recipe. A LOT of my struggle is mental. A LOT. We’re talking a dream about Burger King, people. And when the whopper meal I was ordering was going to be $21, I canceled the transaction. (High five for dream Me not eating the fast food!)

I had a dull headache off and on the first few days because of caffeine withdrawal, but it’s mid afternoon now on Day 4 and I haven’t had a headache yet today. I’m hungry, but I know first I need to eat everything the meal plan outlines. Second, my body is used to my months of over-indulging so it’s going to be a little hungry for a while. It will pass.

I’ve already made my plan for post-Reset. I’m going to go straight into a round of the 21 Day Fix because I need the structure and those containers are like numbers. They don’t lie. I plan to continue using the containers after I wrap that up, but I have been wanting to dig into Body Beast for quite some time and when I started it in December my sinus/upper respiratory junk put a stop to it and I didn’t start up when I felt better. So that means Monday, February 6 is Day 1 of the Fix for me – – in case you want to join me. My friend Brenda is already on board.

It feels a little good – and a lot scary – to put this out there. I feel like people will make their judgments and one of those will be the fact that I am pretty public about my role as a Beachbody Coach and helping other people on their fitness journey. Well we know many things are easier said than done, right? I KNOW what to do, I just haven’t done it myself in a while. I can cheer others on, try to motivate them, encourage them, and commiserate with them. I just haven’t been rooting for myself. The ‘Beachbody coach’ title doesn’t mean I’m a know-it-all expert, it just means that I want to help others. I need to walk the walk though, and I haven’t been doing that. And I think we’ve all been in a situation where we know what we SHOULD do but we just plain don’t do it.

Well enough for now; this is much more of an update than I planned on. Plus it’s almost time for my afternoon Power Greens….a delightful (not) grassy tasting quick chug. Here’s some food for thought:

I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and beating myself up since running the Marine Corps Marathon on Sunday, October 30. So many feelings have swirled around inside of me, trying to claim a spot in my permanent memory of the event, that it’s taken me a few days to decide which ones would be allowed to stay.

I had a goal for the marathon. To finish, of course, but I wanted to beat my time of 6:30 from 2013. I thought 5:45 or 6:00 would be a reasonable goal. It took me 7:02. You read that right: seven hours. Almost a full work day. Longer than it took me to drive from Erie to my aunt’s house in Maryland. I can’t think of too many things I ever do for seven hours straight. Maybe sleep.

It’s hard to explain and make sense of my mixed feelings. On one hand, I absolutely am proud of myself for finishing another marathon. For running and walking 26.2 miles on my own two feet. But on the other hand, I have battled feelings of disappointment and embarrassment these last few days after what I felt was a pitiful performance.

I spent most of 2016 to this point preparing for this one event. One day. One chance to put forth the effort and see what I could do. I began training in March for a half marathon set for June, I continued training for a second half in July, and then it was time to kick things up and increase mileage and follow the training plan that would take me to 26.2.

This summer was rough. It was hot and humid, and never cooled down at night. I had a hard time getting runs in sometimes because it was just too warm. But I didn’t skip the long runs, and only missed a weekday run here or there during the shorter mileage stretch of the program. I distinctly remember my excitement in early September when the humidity finally broke and we had some relief. The long runs became a little easier. It was actually chilly for the morning weekday runs.

{Okay, enough about the training. If you want to read those details, you can read previous posts in the blog.}

The week leading up to the marathon was a little bumpy. I woke up last Tuesday morning with an awful neck pain, so bad that it hurt even to sit up in bed. I missed scheduled runs for Tuesday and Wednesday and was able to see my chiropractor and massage therapist Tuesday and begin feeling a little better. Thursday I planned to run, but woke up to hear pouring rain and wind whipping against the windows. I didn’t want to take a chance at getting sick and it was only a few miles so maybe it wouldn’t really matter.

My mom and I left that afternoon for Maryland, and I mentioned to her that I should try to get a short run in at my aunt’s Friday morning. I didn’t go, though, since I had only brought one running outfit and it was for race day. I don’t know that a two-miler would have made much of a difference at that point anyway for what came later.

I wasn’t exactly nervous as the big day approached, but I was a little tense. The weather was supposed to be warm. Unseasonably warm. As in, a high temp in the low to mid 80s. In late October. A bit of dread planted itself in the back of my brain.

Saturday evening, my sister-in-law picked me up and drove me to her house in Washington, D.C. We had a spaghetti dinner and watched the World Series. I headed to bed around 9:20 and thankfully it didn’t take too long for me to fall asleep and I slept well. We were up early so she could drive me to catch a shuttle that would take me across town to the Pentagon, where runners would await the start of the race. The bus started loading a few minutes after I arrived. I took a seat in the front row, a guy about my age or a little younger joined me a minute later, and the bus quickly filled. We were on our way and my seat-mate and I made small talk. In a flash of a moment I realized I had forgotten my equipment belt in the room I stayed in at my SIL’s house. In it was a bag of sport beans, two packets of GU, and a small ziploc baggie of wipes. She was planning to come downtown later anyway and see me on the course, so I just texted her and asked her to bring it with her. In the meantime, I would try to not panic. I had one packet of GU stashed in the small pocket of my shorts, and I knew there were a few food stations and one gel station on the course. There was a chance I would see my friend Lauren at some point after she finished her 10K race, so I texted her and asked her to bring some extra GU. She went a step further and instead messaged her running club and learned that I could look for them at mile 3 and ask for a woman named Cathy and she would have GU for me. <exhale> Crisis averted. (Lauren is an amazing troubleshooter. She loves solving problems, no joke!)

After getting off the shuttle bus, I walked with the herd of people toward a huge parking lot that had been turned into a ‘runners village.’ There were long rows of porta potties with people lined up to use them, and a row of 30 or so UPS trucks lining one side of the lot waiting for runners to drop their bags. The trucks would later drive to a block near the finish line, where runners could retrieve their bags after the race.

I waited in line and used a potty, then wandered around the parking lot for a few minutes trying to look like I belonged there and not look like I had no idea what I was doing. I dropped my bag at UPS truck #20, and after a few more minutes of walking I knew I needed to sit and rest like so many others were. Staying on my feet was not a good idea. I’d be on them enough later. I picked a spot of cold pavement and sat. The hardest part, since I was alone, was to NOT pass the time by playing on my phone or scrolling Facebook. I needed to save as much battery as possible. I only ended up sitting about 30-40 minutes, and it was time to make our way to the start line for opening ceremonies. (All of this pre-race action was new to me. In 2013, I simply tagged along with Lauren and her running club friends as they took pictures and we walked from a Starbucks to the start line. Easy peasy.)

Day was breaking and we listened to the Star Spangled Banner sung in amazing harmony as the sky brightened. The race began. I had lined up in the corral with the anticipated 5 hour finishers, which was a bit ahead of my goal but not so far ahead that the other runners would have to trip over me with their speedy paces.

It takes quite a while for 20,000+ people to cross a starting line. The elite runners took off at 7:55, and I think I finally crossed the start line around 8:25.

I tried to consciously start the race a little slower than what I’ve been running, since I had an entire week off. I felt okay but didn’t expect to feel good yet. My first few miles are always rough. Unfortunately, the first few miles of the course included some big hills. That certainly didn’t help my pace at all.

As we approached mile 3, I kept my eyes peeled for a table with red balloons, where I could find Cathy and snag some GU packets. I never saw it or her. There were quite a few spectators so if I didn’t look soon enough it was easy to miss her. I would have to just make it work.

I chugged along, taking walking breaks now and then like I had done in training. I carried my own Gatorade/water mix but made sure to take drinks at each station so what I had with me would last.

The miles passed, and I kept hoping and waiting to hit my ‘feel good’ spot. For me that usually hits around mile 5 or 6 and I start feeling really comfortable with my pace and everything feels like I could run for miles and miles. Since my phone is new I was using my MapMyRun app so I could keep tabs on my pace. It was not impressive.

I was also using the Motigo app that allowed friends and family back home to record cheers and messages for me to hear at their specified mile markers. Not gonna lie, I teared up at a few of the messages. It wasn’t exactly because of what people were saying each time, but I was just so touched by the fact that people took the time to download the app and think of some encouraging words to say to me. My friend Kelley shared a little joke or piece of advice from each of her three kids and those brought smiles to my face. There were some funny sights, too:

As I approached miles 8, 9, and 10, I wondered when I would finally reach the station with the energy gels. I’ve learned that if I eat the GU gel on time, it helps me. When I eat it too late, it’s harder for my body to catch up. I had already eaten the one packet I had and was behind.

I think around mile 11 or 12 I reached the gel station and I took two; one for now and one for later. I figured that would be enough to get me through to mile 16 when I would see SIL Melissa and get my equipment belt.

In addition to needing fuel, the bottoms of my feet were starting to hurt, which isn’t a pain I normally deal with. Usually my knees or hips will become sore (and they were, a little) but this foot pain was new to me. I couldn’t help but think I had had TOO MUCH rest having not run for a full week. It hurt whether I walked or not, so I tried to just keep running as much as I could.

I knew some of my family was making their way to a point on the course where they could cheer me on and I really looked forward to seeing them. My cousin had taken a picture of my mom next to a marker and texted it to me, so I would know right where to find them. It felt like forever, but I finally reached them.

It was such a sight for sore eyes when I finally saw them.

There they are!

After some hugs (and tears on my end), swapping Gatorade bottles, and eating a few sport beans mom had brought me, I had to be on my way. I had ‘beat the gauntlet’ but still had to ‘beat the bridge.’ Runners who don’t reach the 14th St. bridge by a specified time are routed onto an alternate course and cannot finish the official race.

There seemed to be fewer spectators along the National Mall – and other parts of the course – but I took some nice pictures along the way.

As I made my way toward the National Gallery, I spotted Melissa ahead. She handed me my belt and had some encouraging words for me. I rounded the end of the Mall and passed the Capitol, saw Melissa again on the other side of the Mall, and was happy to see my family again at the corner of 14th Street.

They had made some fun signs!

Onward to the bridge. Crews had opened a hydrant for us to run through and it felt amazing. Approaching the bridge, all you can hear is the cadence played by a drum corps of a nearby high school. It was an all-female group and they were amazing.

I beat the bridge so at least I knew I would be allowed to finish the official course. I still had 8 miles ahead of me, though, and I knew it would be anything but easy. The clouds had been gone for a few hours and bright sun was beating down. I wondered many times in those last miles if I would be able to finish or not. It was tempting to just quit, but I had spent too much money on the registration and the time I had spent training was too much to throw away. The last 8 miles seemed to take forever but as I saw what ended up being about a dozen runners taken off the course by med crews on stretchers in those last miles, I consciously decided to not even worry about my 5:45 goal and just try to finish.

Finally I saw it. The promise that the end really was near.

I knew just one hill and a straightaway lay between me and the finish line.

Praise. God.

After 7 hours and 2 minutes, I finally crossed the finish line. Amazingly (for me) I didn’t even cry. I was still pretty frustrated with myself but more that that I was elated to be done.

Dozens of Marines lined the edges of the course past the finish line, offering high fives and congratulations.

I made my way to the rows of barricades set up with 2nd Lieutenant Marines waiting with medals at the end of each row. I picked a row, the Marine placed a medal around my neck and gave me a big hug. And of course, I had to take a selfie with him!

Me & my favorite Marine!

{We’re nearing the end, I promise.}

I had a few more pictures taken, then found my family and took a few more. We made our way to the UPS trucks for bag pickup, to the Metro, to the car, and back to my aunt’s house for pizza.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I read an article today by a Runners World writer who also ran the MCM on Sunday. As I read it, I felt like I could have written it. He wrote about the frustration of feeling like a failure after months and months of working toward something and not achieving the goal you’ve set. I shared the link on Facebook and explained that my embarrassment at my pitiful finish time and feeling like a failure despite finishing was why I hadn’t written this blog post yet.

The comments that followed from my friends brought tears to my eyes and helped me adjust my perspective. People reminded me that I am not a failure, that I finished a marathon, and that I did not give up despite the opportunity to do so.

So now, after a good deal of self pity and feeling like a failure, I will move on and look at the glass half full.

I ran 26.2 miles by myself.

I didn’t have all of my fuel and equipment.

I missed training runs during the last three weeks of my program.

Race day temps were about 20 degrees warmer than average.

I had a medal placed around my neck that only about 20,000 other people in the world received on Sunday.

Marathoners can all agree that training can feel like a part-time job. For me it isn’t just the time spent on the run (which is at the higher end of the time spectrum because I’m not too speedy) but also going to bed early and waking up early. The last few weeks with higher mileage left me with less time to sit and write a blog post.

Lexa and me

A week and a half ago, October 9, I ran my highest mileage I would run during training: 20 miles. The weather was perfect; cool and mostly cloudy. I was fortunate enough to have not one, not two, but THREE running buddies. Lexa did the first five miles with me, Heather

jumped in for the next seven, I had just one mile alone, and then Steph met me for the home stretch of 7 miles.

It means so so SO much to me that not only are people willing to schedule MY run into their schedule, but they also don’t complain about running my pace, which is slower than their regular paces!

I did better with eating my GU energy gel on schedule. Usually I’m late eating it, and I do notice a difference when I stay ahead of the necessity and hunger.

The route had a nice mix of flat and rolling hills. I took walking breaks when I needed to, and my running buddies were gracious and encouraging. I knew what to expect, because this was

Heather and me

the same exactly route I ran when I did my 20 mile training run back in 2013.

One thing I noticed this time around is how much less sore I am the day after a long run. Sure, my knees hurt when I get up from a seated position or going down a flight of stairs the day of the run, but the soreness is minimal the next day.

Before, I would be down for the count the rest of the day after a long run. I had to make sure I got all my housework and laundry done the day before because I knew I’d be worthless. The next day I had a pretty good deal of soreness.

This time around, my weekends have been so busy, I haven’t had time after a long run to lay around. There were a few runs early on after which I indulged in a nap, but as the distance increased my free time decreased.

Steph and me

There seemed to be one downside of not getting a nap after the 20 miler. I did dishes that night and in my tired state thought it was okay to prop the oval crock pot insert up against the dish drainer on the counter to dry. I remember thinking quickly that it didn’t seem like the best idea but that thought left as soon as it came.

A minute later with my back turned, the crock pot insert crashed to the kitchen floor. One of the pieces, with a sharp and jagged edge from the break, cut the back of my ankle just above the heel.

Blood gushed immediately, and I ripped a paper towel from the roll and sat down on the kitchen floor. I raised my leg up and applied pressure to the cut, while calling for my husband upstairs and trying to keep my curious dogs away from the mess.

Teary after 20

I didn’t know if the cut needed stitches or not, but the bleeding stopped after a few minutes and I put a band-aid on it. Surprisingly, the cut didn’t really hurt much, but boy when I put running shoes on Tuesday morning it was a bit painful! The pain subsided after a few blocks and I got my 4 miles in. That day at work I talked to another runner who has had his share of injuries to deal with this year. He suggested I take a few days off from running and give the cut a chance to heal. At this point in my training, he said, my mileage and progress wouldn’t suffer. It was more important to let things heal a bit.

I took the rest of the week off and got 7 miles in for my long run (instead of 12). The run felt good but I just didn’t give myself enough time to get where I needed to be afterward so I cut it short.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Over the past week, Taper Madness has begun to set in. It sounds like a weird or fictional thing, but I assure you it’s a very real thing. Yesterday I hopped on the MCM website and the countdown stared at me: 10 DAYS. And the feelings of panic set in.

Is that foot pain I feel or am I imagining it?

Do I need a larger-capacity equipment belt?

Is the fuel I use the best for me or should I have tried something else during training?

What kind of spaghetti sauce will my SIL serve the night before? Is it rude of me to send her the recipe I have for my friend’s mom’s magic sauce? Or maybe I’ll just make it myself and take it with me.

What should I wear for the race?

Is my phone’s case waterproof?

You get the idea.

All I can do now is trust the process, trust the training, and enjoy these last few days of preparation before the big day.

I don’t really know why, but I was such a big grump this morning. As always, a good run was able to turn my attitude around. Unfortunately, it wasn’t before wrapping up my 5-ish miles with Lexa so she had to put up with my sass. Sorry, friend!

Lexa is one friend I can solidly count on for an early Sunday morning run. The earlier, the better. (She’s a little nuts!) :)

She was meeting me at 6:30 for the first leg of my 14 mile run. (14? Yes. At a certain point in the schedule, the Hal Higdon training plan I’m following bumps the runner up one week for the long run, then drops back the next to help recover for a bigger jump the next week. If you recall, a few weeks ago I ran 16 miles, then dropped back to 12, then up to 18, and this week was back to 14. Next week is the jump up to the big 20, and then we taper.)

I looked at the weather radar around 5:50 this morning while I was getting ready and saw a huge yellow and red rain blob west of my location. The weather app said it would begin raining here in 77 minutes. I was NOT too excited about that. I don’t mind running in some rain, but yellow and red? Thunderstorms? No thank you!

It began sprinkling about 10 minutes into our run. We paused so I could tuck my cell phone into a ziplock bag (I really need one of those new waterproof phones!) and stretched a bit and were on our way again. The rain was very light and almost refreshing. It stopped a short time later. As we rounded a curve I had to take a quick photo of the morning sky. Of course Lexa had to jump in the first one – – but I had to admit to her later that it turned out cute.

We reached her car, I switched out my almost-gone Gatorade for a new one, and it started to sprinkle again. We quickly took our traditional selfie and I was on my way.

My next buddy was meeting me in a few miles, and he texted me when he arrived to check on my location. I was a little behind where I thought I’d be, so I skipped any walking breaks and tried to pick up the pace a little so he wouldn’t have to wait too long. It’s enough that these awesome individuals are willing to come out and join me for these runs – – I certainly don’t want to make them wait for me!

Before too long, as I was heading west on Route 5 in my bright green shirt, I saw another bright green shirt headed my way on the opposite side of the road. Here came Steve!

I’ve known him for a few years but this would be our first time running together. I was happy to have him join me, and he really helped me through the last five miles.

We talked and swapped stories, and he was cool with whether I wanted to jog or take a walking break. The rain came again, lightly, and left again as quickly as it came.

This was left behind the last time it rained, and of course I had to stop for a photo.

Beautiful, right?

I struggled to push the last two miles or so, and I knew it was because my nutrition Saturday downright sucked. I didn’t make wise FUEL choices, and definitely didn’t have the energy I wanted.

Steve was great about sticking with me and taking a walking break when I needed one.

We didn’t get quite to 14 miles. It ended at 13.12, actually. But I had my eye on the clock and with it being absolutely imperative that I be on time for 11:00 church. I can sneak in a minute late once in a while, but not when I am supposed to be up front with the worship team!

I drove Steve back to his truck and, you guessed it, he obliged my request for a quick selfie :)

I didn’t rest as much today as I should have, but I wasn’t on the go the entire day. Definitely will be heading to bed before the Steelers even reach halftime tonight, and will enjoy a nice rest day tomorrow. Already making plans for this week’s runs and net Sunday’s 20 miler. Feeling confident and strong, and I have to give HUGE thanks and credit to God for answering my fervent prayers to keep me healthy and for the weather cooperating. I prayed this morning on my way to meet Lexa that I wouldn’t have to run through thunderstorms. I don’t know where the big blob of yellow and red went, but it missed me and for that, I am very thankful.

The last days of September were extremely busy as I volunteered all weekend at a local festival and directed a 5k. On top of that was my 18 mile run that I fit in Saturday morning, September 24.

I had a running buddy from mile 5 until about mile 13, and almost everything about the run was perfect. I left Frontier Park near Erie’s west end of Presque Isle Bay at 6 a.m. It was still pretty dark and I needed my light for a few unlit areas. Traffic along the bayfront started off light, but I was surprised at how quickly it picked up on an early weekend morning.

The lights from Dobbins Landing and the Bicentennial Tower reflected on the calm bay and I had to stop for a quick photo.

Calm Presque Isle Bay just before dawn.

My first mile was pretty quick (for me) and the subsequent 4 miles before meeting my buddy were a good pace as well. It’s a constant and steady uphill once you reach the east end of the bayfront and turn south. It was great that I had a time goal to meet for where and when LeAnn would be, so I couldn’t really let off the gas much. I knew I would have about an hour at the beginning and an hour at the end of my run by myself, so I saved the Best of Friends podcast episode from the week. I loved that listening to the podcast different from music in that it really helped me concentrate on what they were saying and not my run. When I listen to music, I am slightly distracted but I know the words already.

Even with a few planned walking breaks, I ended up at our meeting spot at the exact right time for our meet-up. Honestly that surprised me! Also, to my delight, LeAnn had brought me a cold water and a pack of sport beans!

We powered up the next 4 miles of incline, sharing stories and just enjoying the run. It was nice when we ran through a small chunk of Penn State Behrend’s campus, because I knew the rest of the run was downhill. We picked up the pace a bit on the way back down, I stopped by a pine tree where I had stashed my next Gatorade and we continued on. Then of course, before we parted ways LeAnn obliged me with a quick selfie :)

I was on my way, and it was comforting to think about the fact that I only had about 5 more miles to go. The run went so quick with someone meeting me for the middle part!

The 18 miler went well. The week afterward was rough. I think because I didn’t take a rest day afterward, my body got a little upset with me and forced me to take a break. It wasn’t anything major, but I was just feeling really worn down and exhausted. I had another new buddy for Tuesday morning’s 4 miler, and that’s probably the only reason I got out Tuesday. When the alarm went off at 4:45 Wednesday morning for my solo longer run, I didn’t really even consider getting up. I shut the alarm off, probably with the intention of getting up in a minute, and when I opened my eyes it was 5:30. I thought for a minute about whether or not to get up then, and realized it wouldn’t really be worth it because I wouldn’t get the miles in that I was supposed to. Plus, it wouldn’t hinder my ability to get 14 in this weekend….so I decided to skip the run and get more rest. By Thursday I was finally feeling pretty normal. As normal as possible, anyway.

If you’ve been following my road to the 2016 MCM, you may recall that I delayed my 12-mile training run this weekend. Saturday’s planned run would have to happen Sunday.

My best friend Jenn and I had a blast at the Dixie Chicks concert, didn’t get a whole lot of sleep Saturday night, but we headed home early Sunday morning. By 10:30 a.m. I was lacing up my Saucony kicks. After a brief rain downpour passed I hit the road. I tried something different this week; I didn’t take my phone with me. That’s a huge change for me – I always carry my phone for a run. I like to use my GPS tracker apps and also like to have the phone available in case something happens. I couldn’t be sure it wasn’t going to rain again, and I didn’t want to carry my phone in a ziplock bag. So I headed out without it.

I knew the route I’ve run a hundred times would add up to about 6 miles so I would just run that twice. I wore my FitBit so at least I could track my time, and I could estimate my pace later. I was curious to see how my pace might vary – slower or faster – without my app updating me every half mile.

On my way back in the first loop, around mile 5, I was feeling really good. I wasn’t close to feeling sore yet, my stride felt good, my pace felt good, and I had a decent amount of Gatorade left in my bottle. I decided to extend my route and had a good idea of the mileage. I would end at my house with only about 2.5-4 miles left to log. I could stop at the house, grab a new bottle, and quickly map the route I had just done to see how far I had to go to hit 12 miles.

I have been doing something else a little differently on these longer runs – – adding walking breaks early on. I want my body to get used to alternating between walking and running, because there’s a good chance I will need to walk during the marathon. I did last time, and it hurt so badly to start running again. I can’t help but think that helped me!

The run started off nice and cloudy, but still quite humid. The rain that had just passed through didn’t cool things off a bit. The sun poked through the clouds a few times and it was hot.

When I stopped at the house I was still feeling pretty good and the air conditioning felt downright amazing. I was soaked to the skin, and as tempting as it was to just call it a day, I knew that would be foolish. The training schedule is set up like it is for a reason.

I headed back out to get those last miles in. I continued to take a few walking breaks. The clouds were completely gone and I was pretty toasty.

I finished up at home, stretched, and took a cool shower. I was proud of myself for not only getting out with no mental battle, and oddly enough I never whined or moped internally while I was out there. Huh. That just occurred to me right now. Usually I tell myself during the first mile at least, how awful it is or how miserable I am. Interesting…. ;)

I mentioned that one of my running pals commented about how it can be so helpful to get out and run in any weather, to be prepared for race day. After I posted about failing to get the run in, she also shared her viewpoint that sometimes you have to just roll with it and things happen for a reason. I very much agree with that sentiment. There have been many times in my life when something doesn’t go the way it was planned and turns out better than it would have been. Sometimes God has an even better plan in mind than what we were expecting.

If I had run Saturday, and then gone straight to my volunteer shift, and rushed home to change and pick up Jenn for our overnight trip to Buffalo, I think I would not have enjoyed the concert as much and I would have been extremely exhausted. We didn’t get out of the arena until after 11:30, and to my friend’s house and to bed until 12:30. With the missed run and extra sleep, I made it through the day and really enjoyed myself. Sunday I woke up a little tired, but ready to go once we got moving. I still managed to squeeze in a nap while I was supposed to be watching the Steelers game with the hubs. He said I was sleeping pretty good so he didn’t give me any grief.