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FRONT PAGE CONTRIBUTOR

I Support Tea, Cause Coffee Don’t Fax Worth A Damn

Via our vast network of sources and spies, RedState has exclusively obtained a copy of a new fundraising email that will shock you. Full text included below. (Some links added for context.)

The following message has been brought to you by the DNC and the MSM*. It is intended for mature audiences.

*Alan Grayson’s extra chins could not be reached for comment.

“This morning as I was brushing my tooth, my mind got to wandering. I started thinking about that big old government in Washington BC, and how they ruin everything. I looked over at Brangelina, that’s my pig, and I said to her, I said ‘Brangelina,’ (on account of that’s what she likes to be called, even though her real name is Ms. Curlybutt), ‘Brangelina, why do those government people keep trying to take all my guns and tobacca and give ‘em to black people?’ Well Old Brangelina just snorted (or farted, hard to say which), and rolled over in our bed. She had a good point though. That’s when I knew I had to do something to stop all them science-ists and illegal mexicans before I didn’t have nice things like a job and a pig and a shoes. And that’s why I joined the tea party.”- Tea Party testimonial, as overheard by an MSNBC intern while ordering a pumpkin spice latte.

DEAR FRIEND,
It is time for us democrats to stand up to the hostage-taking, baby-making, rolling-through-a-stop-sign-without-fully-braking, tea-hadists. It’s time we dare to tell the truth about the tea party, and the Republicans who drink their tea. It’s not green, it’s not European, and it’s not chai. No, this is HATE tea, and it’s not even organically grown!

Just who are the tea partiers? Well as Alan Grayson, the man who says what you are thinking, thinks what you are saying, and eats what is left on your tray puts it:

And that isn’t the only thing that the T stands for either. It also stands for inTolerant, racisT, and washingTon redskins! Last week, for example, there was a so-called veteran’s rally in Washington. Just look at all the TEA:

Very real and not fake photo of Million Vets March on DC.

Shameful. If Robert Byrd were alive today he would roll over in his hood. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We haven’t even got to the part of the iceberg that Leonardo Dicaprio crashed into. The vileness of teapublicans extends far beyond just racism and NASCAR. They want you to die quickly. They are the American Taliban. In short, tea-partiers are the lying, uneducated, anti-science, pro-God, gun-clingers the President tried to warn us about. What’s more, they are completely uncivil and don’t know how to conduct the business of government with decorum and respectful language. Because hicks.

Election day is right around the corner. Don’t let Ted Cruz shoot your family! Stop republicans and kids with cancer! Vote Democrat and prove you aren’t stupid!

Also, RedState sucks. As President Obama has commanded, don’t listen to bloggers!

We realize the generalizations, insults, over-the-top-rhetoric, and collusion with the media expressed in this email are hardly breaking news, but thanks for stopping by. On your way out, please pick up your complimentary rifle, apple pie, and copy of the ten commandments. And if you ain’t into that we don’t give a damn. For any further questions, please consult the below guide to what is and is not acceptable in DC.