The modern evil of coffee drinking is the root cause
of all the terrible woes that threaten the very foundations of all that
we hold most dear. Once upon a time, families would come together every
day to exchange news and pleasantries over a refreshing cup of tea, or
to toast a muffin or two in cook's oven, while the master of the house
instructed the female servants in the finer points of oral diction. They
would talk to one another about their day at the schoolhouse, the office,
and for the ladies of the family, how they had cleaned and tended the
house that day. Nowadays however, such stimulating and refined intercourse
has all but disappeared from our Great Nation. Instead we have broody
young girls skulking in their rooms, drinking coffee behind closed doors.

Since the 1920s, coffee drinking has almost completely destroyed all
decency and morality in the United States and Europe. During that time,
violent crime, burglary, divorce and the inappropriate use of large
vegetables by bored American women, have all increased to almost epidemic
dimensions—if not to bubonic plague proportions. One's elders
are laughed at, women smoke cigarettes quite openly, gentlemen go about
bare-headed and girls as young as five and twenty expose their naked
ankles to the gaze of passersby. The very fabric of society is warped
beyond redemption and stretched to breaking point. Coincidence? I think
not!

Coffee, once an unusual and rare drink is now drunk openly on every
street corner in every city from New York to San Francisco—and
possibly even further west. Entire chains of coffee shops now brazenly
sell their despicable wares on British High Streets and American Main
Streets where even young children can see them. Thus from the very earliest
age, our children begin to think of coffee drinking as stylish, or even
fashionable. They are brainwashed into believing that coffee drinking
is a perfectly acceptable alternative lifestyle, only to discover too
late that it is a fast-track passport to ill-health, unbridled sexual
promiscuity, greasy skin and debilitating headaches as my exhaustive
research clearly proves.

The British fondness for the mild and health-giving panacea we know
as Tea has so far protected them from the inexorable tide of moral turpitude
and degeneracy which has swept all before it in America. But the writing
is on the wall even here. Every day one sees trousered women driving
motor cars with a thermos of hot coffee beside them while their spouses
wring their hands in horrified despair. Secretaries openly flaunt their
addiction in typing pools and crowds of dissolute young women congregate
outside the new 'coffee bars', only too eager to suffer the caresses
of some vile rogue so long as he will buy them the drug they crave.

It
is a proven fact, verifiable in my novel, 'Down and out amongst
the evil coffee drinkers of Old New Orleans', that prostitution was
almost unknown in the United States before the French imported this
foul vice along with their inedible pastries and indecent ladies' undergarments.
Nowhere is this degeneracy more evident than in the low dives and seedy
bistros of 'gay Paris', where women as young as eighteen sell their
bodies for the price of a café au lait. The French, be it noted,
are a nation of inveterate coffee bibbers, and a more illiterate, unimaginative,
degenerate and morally bankrupt people it would be hard to find. Show
me a lush who drinks coffee with her croissant and I will show you a
shameless hussy who sells her body to support her vile habit. It is
no coincidence that the increase in insobriety and prostitution in America
has gone hand-in-hand with this loathsome vice. The statistics are incontrovertible.
Nine out of ten prostitutes are habitual coffee drinkers, seven out
of ten women convicted of shop-lifting admitted to drinking coffee only
hours before the offence, and almost all female car thieves drink coffee.
Coincidence? I think not! My detractors will say that these women also
drink tea. Indeed they may do, but only for the same reasons that dipsomaniacs
suck mints; the better to disguise their loathsome addiction!

All young women naturally go through an experimental phase and older,
male coffee drinkers will often take advantage of this fact by seducing
susceptible young women when they are at their most vulnerable. They
will take an impressionable young girl to some seedy backstreet coffee
shop and there they will buy the naïve coquette, her first cappuccino.
Before very long, the once bright-eyed and vivacious girl has turned
into a sulky and misanthropic miss; hooked for life, if not indeed a
hooker for life. Young innocents are turned into lifetime coffee addicts,
rapidly spiralling into a life of interrupting their elders, wearing
immodest clothing, homosexuality, transvestitism, and the imaginative
use of fruit and vegetables for the most questionable of ends, or indeed
both ends. Are we supposed to just stand by and watch these perverts
corrupt our children? I think not!

Make no mistake, we physicians are not bigots. We recognise that what
consenting adults drink behind closed, bolted doors with the curtains
drawn, in the dark, is entirely up to them, but to present this evil coffee as
being a perfectly harmless beverage is not only decadent, but the vilest
of lies that must be countered at every opportunity.

The serious reflections of our forebears, their solidity of judgement,
firmness of will and the grace and fluidity of the healthy bodies of
their womenfolk, which formerly distinguished our proud American national
character, have all but vanished in the face of this evil scourge. And
by what are they replaced? Loose morals, immodesty in dress and thought,
atheism, discourtesy, derangements of the sexual organs in both sexes,
and unbridled lust, hysteria, irritability and insolence on the part
of young persons.

Nowhere are these lamentable evils more evident than in the young daughters
of America, who have cast off their undergarments and acquired a coarseness
of language, slovenly deportment, and mental excitability and emotional
hypersensitivity which are the unmistakable hallmarks of the inveterate
coffee drinker. For, make no mistake about it, it is primarily women
who are the most avid consumers of this deleterious beverage, no doubt
due to their innate weakness of character and need for constant stimulation.
It has become a sine qua non amongst these degenerates that
to wallow in luxuriant fancies, compose lascivious romances and to make
flippant, witty and satirical remarks, the American woman must drink
coffee. The busy secretary, the over-worked waitress, the journalist,
the schoolmistress, the fashionable young socialite and the modern-day
Messalina who caters to the jaded appetites of broken down old lechers
in so-called 'gentlemen's clubs'—all these must necessarily drink
coffee to maintain their frenetic lifestyles. But at what a cost!

It is certain that the most refined female voluptuary could not have
discovered a more suitable poison than coffee for changing her ordinary
sensations and unbearable ennui into the most impetuous happiness and
transcendent mental acuity for a few, brief hours. What else could banish
the vexations of life so completely from their fickle hearts, cause
their temperaments to sally forth in joyful ejaculations of delight
and inflame their passions with the most exquisite of sensations? What
else could accelerate the motions of their weak bodies, galvanise their
sluggish digestive and secretory organs into a frenzy of activity and
maintain their sexual instincts in a state of almost permanent arousal?
Finally, what else could banish the inconveniences of hunger and thirst,
remove sleep from fatigued limbs and enable these harpies to evade their
duty to cook, clean and wash for their menfolk? Coffee!

But what harm can it do the coffee apologists cry. Well, I will tell
you. The primary effect of this odious beverage is to excite the sexual
instinct. Within moments of imbibing the first drops of this insidious
poison, the most voluptuous images present themselves to the disordered
female mind; the genitalia are quickly aroused to a state of throbbing
tumescence and the effusion of vaginal excretions is as certain to follow
as blindness and palsy follow self-abuse. It is thus that this insidious
evil works upon the impressionable female mind and having deluded them
into partaking ever more freely of the temporary pleasures it affords
them, ruins their health and turns them from hard-working, obedient
helpmates ready to fulfil their menfolk's every whim, into embittered
harridans enslaved to vices too hideous to name.

Once
the primary effects of this peer among poisons having passed, the victim
is at once plunged into an opposite state; the secondary effect takes
over and in the degree that the former has been most marked and agreeable,
the more will the latter be debilitating and disagreeable. A desire
for sleep, accompanied by many yawnings, trembling limbs and a gloomy
humor, soon supervene. The digestive processes that were artificially
accelerated by the poison now give place to an oppressive flatulence,
inexplicable aches and pains and icy cold extremities. The euphoria
which so delighted them hours before, evaporates, leaving them scarcely
able to fulfil the smallest domestic duty and, in some cases, insolently
refusing to submit to male authority at all!

Their bad humor quickly deepens, until the slightest criticism or inconvenience
vexes them beyond endurance. The natural appetite is replaced by a species
of canine hunger, easily satiated by the vilest of comestibles, such
as pizza, chocolate and potato chips, which simply overload the stomach,
increase their flatulence, phantom pains and the desire for repose.
Yet these pitiable wretches cannot sleep! And if by some miracle slumber
is eventually purchased, they are even more tired, depressed and melancholic
upon awakening than they were before they succumbed to the vile poison
which has so blighted their lives.

The most noxious effects of coffee become evident among those persons,
chiefly unmarried women, who expend their time in sedentary occupations
and are much given to arguing with gentlemen about politics. These persons
can easily be recognised by their pale complexions, weak constitutions,
indecisiveness, lassitude and excitable, nervous gestures. These feeble
recluses enjoy, so to speak, but half a life, eschewing the responsibilities
of bearing children, cooking, washing and cleaning—as Nature intended—for
a life of irresponsible idleness and dissipation.

The minds of those enslaved to this hideous poison continue to degenerate
until even the most more frequent and strongest repetitions of the drug
cease to arouse their sluggish constitutions any longer. They are poised
upon the very precipice of destruction, openly flaunting their charms
and shamelessly indulging in the manly intellectual pastimes of debate
and study which a woman has no business to pursue. It is an established
medical fact that in order for the inferior female brain to even attempt
to understand abstruse, intellectual problems, it has to divert energy
from the reproductive organs; organs already so debilitated by the noxious
effects of this hideous drug that the poor wretch now adds the crime
of infertility to her other sins. Finally, if single, the addict sinks
so low that she may refuse to marry and bear children at all.

Moreover, the higher feminine emotions, such as gratitude, placidity,
obedience and modesty become almost wholly stultified until all that
remains is timidity, indifference, apathy, bitterness, fickleness and
insolence. Indeed, I have known many cases where the confirmed coffee
addict will refuse to perform her marital duties on the flimsy pretext
that she has a headache, and yet not an hour later pleasure herself
into libidinous insensibility with one of her husband's own cigars!

If the use of coffee is continued for many years, a state of complete
mental and physical breakdown is almost inevitable. It will be found
that sentimental affectations alternate rapidly with insensibility,
precipitate acts with irresolution, fits of explosive anger with complete
indifference, sudden friendships with violent jealousies and calculated
malice, transient joy with floods of tears, sexual indulgence with prudish
abstinence—in short, the victim is on the slippery road to unnatural
vice, chronic disease and madness from which a slow and painful death
is their only release.

With such a wide range of outstanding material,
it is almost impossible to single out anything that, er—stands
out, but our adult version of Snow
White and the Seven Dwarves, as well as Jennifer Gardner's many
stories, are all firm favourites with our readers.