Damnit morels, you shall bend to my will! This was my thought when I rounded the corner at the grocery store the other day and spied my old nemeses lying nonchalantly among the shitakes and bellas. In spite of my terrible first experience with morels, or maybe because of it, I was suddenly possessed with an overwhelming desire to conquer them for once and for all. Or at least prove to myself that they suck no matter what I do to them. So I picked out a very small number of the good’uns (after all, I was only cooking for myself, plus this was an experiment, plus they’re super freaking expensive) and made up my mind that in spite of the advice of all the morel connoisseurs, I was going to soak the hell out of these puppies and then torture them to death in the frying pan, because the intolerable grittiness and chewy consistency are what did me in so thoroughly the last time. Although morel lovers might tell you it’s unnecessary to soak them or that it will compromise their flavor, I’m here to tell you this: The morels I made after soaking them for several hours in salt water vs. the morels I made last month following the advice of the experts to “preserve the flavor” were like night and day. The morel* of the story is, don’t underestimate how much gritty, tripe-like mushrooms can ruin a dish.

This batch, however, made me understand why people are so cuckoo for morels. They are just super rich, meaty, earthy, forest-y, and … je ne sais quoi. I did so very little to them aside from the soaking and the stovetop abuse, yet nevertheless they were delish. So, yeah, I stand corrected, they don’t suck. Though I do still think they’re super creepy-looking. Regardless. You should try them. And in case you were concerned, a word about them being expensive: Yes, you might find them as high as $40/lb. But they are super light and you don’t need very much. 1/4 lb is often all you need for 2 – 3 servings. Which isn’t cheap, but it’s doable.

Here’s whatcha do:

Find a place that sells morels. The only places I’ve ever seen them here are Whole Foods and the farmer’s market. Pick morels that are spongy and light to medium brown, not super dry and not super moist. If you rub your finger the length of them, they shouldn’t crumble – that’s a sign they’re old. Once purchased, take them home and if you must store them, put them in a paper bag or a basket covered with a moist paper towel and refrigerate. Don’t keep them too long – their shelf life isn’t more than a week and you don’t know how long it took them to get to you in the first place. I’d say eat them within 3 days or less of buying them.

When you’re ready to prepare them, shake them up in their container to dislodge any loose debris. Rinse them thoroughly. Cut them in half (lengthwise). Fill a bowl with cold water and place them in it to soak. The folds of the mushroom are what you want to cleanse, so be sure they are brainy side down in the water.

I soaked mine for about 6 hours, replacing the water 5 times, stirring salt into the water for 2 of the 5 soaks and agitating them in the water at least once per soak. When I was finally ready to prepare them, I agitated them for a minute or two, then rinsed them thoroughly in running water before moving them to a towel and patting them dry.

Perhaps this is where I should mention that I’m obsessed with mushrooms and don’t mind putting this much work into them at all. Some of you may think this is ridiculous, and who am I to say you’re wrong. But I love mushrooms. So back to the recipe.

Heat a small nonstick pan over medium heat. Add the oil. When the oil is hot, add the morels and a bit of salt. Cook them for a couple of minutes, then add the leek & garlic and a bit more salt, if desired. Cook the whole mixture for a total of about 5 – 8 minutes, until the morels have shrunken noticeably and are very soft. Remove from heat and stir in the parsley while still hot.

Serve as a tapa by themselves. Nom nom nom … In the meantime, I will work on coming up with something a bit more substantial to serve as a main course or something.

That’s right, tonight we’re going to party like it’s May 20, 2011. Eat, drink and be merry, and then tomorrow we will party like it’s May 21st, 2011, and nothing unusual has happened because Harold Camping is a sociopathic ass who convinces people to ruin their lives and give him all their money in order to remind us all that we should thank our lucky stars we are not as vulnerable or gullible as his followers.

But seriously. I am astonished and amused at the idea of a doddering California radio personality captivating a global audience of thousands and convincing them that he alone among all humans for the past 2000 years has some profound insight into an ancient text (without even being educated on the languages in which it was written) that has eluded the most brilliant theological scholars for centuries and is able to accurately identify a date which even the Bible asserts can never be known by man or even angels. It’s the stuff that Dan Brown novels are made of. However, I do not find it funny at all that large numbers of people are quitting their jobs, abandoning their children, donating their life savings, and even committing suicide over these proclamations. I mean, really, Harold, could you possibly be any more evil without committing an indictable crime?

Let the record show that I am not religious. Nevertheless, I have plenty of religious friends who also know this Judgment Day business is bullshit. Christians and Jews and Buddhists and atheists and hedonists and pragmatists and jazz flautists alike can all at least agree on this point: Harold Camping is a jackass and we pity the shattered lives of his followers. The end.

With that said, we certainly shouldn’t miss an opportunity to celebrate Not The End Of The World, something that I hope we all do a little bit every day. Life is glorious and short and fragile and heartbreaking and amazing, and the best thing we can do for ourselves, our loved ones, and whatever higher power we might believe in or not is to appreciate what we’ve been given and not let it pass us by.

And for those of you who would like to sip a fruity cocktail while you wait for 6:00 pm to tick past tomorrow without any terrible earthquakes or crazy cultists ascending to heaven, I give you my following Rapture recipes …

Place all ingredients in blender and blend for ~10 – 20 seconds. Pour into a tall glass and garnish with a maraschino cherry or umbrella or piece of pineapple or any combination of the above. Hint: When I make these, I usually quadruple the ingredients in the blender to make 4 drinks at once.

*Mind you, this is not a classic Piña Colada. Classic Piña Coladas are not vegan.

Combine passion fruit juice, mint, and a splash of ginger ale in a tall glass. Lightly muddle the mint until it becomes slightly fragrant. Squeeze both lime halves in the glass and drop them in. Add rum and ice and stir. Fill the remainder of the glass with ginger ale and garnish with mint or lime or both.

For those of you on the East coast, I wish I would have thought of these sooner, because now you only have one more hour to party like it’s May 20, 2011. However, we will all have the rest of our lives to do so, and I don’t think we really need a fake Rapture to give us a reason to enjoy some delicious fruity cocktails.

Yes, balsamic vegan mayo. Vegan mayo is one of a few wonderful dairy substitute products that make it possible for me to serve rich and creamy things without having to resort to extreme measures, like whipping my own tofu. I love vegan mayo, and I love the fact that it allows me to enjoy a balsamic mayonnaise dip with my artichoke that I would probably not enjoy as much if it were real mayo. Because let’s face it; no matter how much you love mayo, when confronted with it face to face, it looks kind of … oogy. The truth is that people enjoy mayonnaise the most when they don’t have to look at it.

With the balsamic mayo dip for artichokes, however, you do have to look at it, so it’s a good thing this one is vegan and not so sketchy-looking. In my case, I use Vegenaise brand fake mayo, however there are other varieties available, the most common being Nayonaise. Regardless of which brand you prefer, however, either will do the trick. Also, you always have the option of using real mayonnaise, and I’m sure it would be delicious. Though you may want to avert your eyes. 😉

One more thing before I begin – you will need a steamer for this. If you don’t have one, I urge you to buy one soon – they make it so much easier to cook so many things. Oh, the vegetables you’ll steam!

Oh, and I lied, there is actually one more last thing. This is not my original recipe, just a veggie version of another recipe I found. I’ve added a bit more direction and some vegan modifications.

Essential kitchen accoutrement

Steamed Artichokes with Balsamic Mayo Dip

2 artichokes

2 lemon slices

2 bay leaves

2 cloves garlic, smashed

1/4 c. vegan mayo or mayo

1 – 2 tbsp balsamic vinegar (to taste)

For this recipe, it’s best to work with artichokes whose leaves have popped a bit; the really tightly closed ones are harder to clean and trim.

Rinse the artichokes under cool running water thoroughly, being careful to clean out any debris that may have gotten lodged down into the leaves. Cut off the rough end of the stem, being sure to leave about 1 – 3 inches of stem (the stems are super tasty!). Depending on which type of artichoke you have, you may wish to trim the tips off the leaves. This is mostly cosmetic, as you won’t be eating the tips, but for some of the spinier varieties, it may be worthwhile to minimize your own pricked fingers. To trim the leaves, just grab one, position your scissors and snip the tip. Simple as that.

Once your artichokes are ready to go, grab a large pot and steamer. Fill the pot with just enough water to touch the bottom of the steamer and add the lemon slices, bay leaves and crushed garlic to the water (under the steamer). They will lend a very subtle flavor to the choke. Place the steamer in the pot and position the artichokes in the steamer. Cover. Bring the water to a boil and reduce to a simmer. Pay attention to the water level while it simmers and make sure it doesn’t get down too low. I usually keep a tea-kettle of water cooking on the stovetop, ready to pour in a bit of water every 5 – 10 minutes or so.

The artichokes will need to steam for 25 – 45 minutes, depending on age, size, how well you keep the water level consistent, etc. When a fork easily pierces through the stem, they’re done. If in doubt, pull off a leaf and taste it. In my opinion, it’s better to have an overcooked artichoke than an undercooked artichoke.

Balsamic Mayo

Whips up in a jiff. Spoon the mayo into a small bowl (eg, a prep bowl or ramekin). Add the balsamic and whip with a fork. You may need to adjust the mayo/balsamic ratio to taste.

Serve alongside our prepared artichokes as a dipping sauce. Mmmmmmmm!

How To Eat an Artichoke

There are 3 tiers or artichoke goodness:

The leaves

The choke

The stem

The leaves and stem I think are self-explanatory, or at least, require minimal explanation. Pull the leaves, dip the bottom if you like, put the leaf in your mouth and drag your teeth across the bottom. Discard. When you get to the stem, just chow down. Yum! But before the stem comes the choke …

As for the choke. There are all those little spiny things. Don’t eat those. You can either scrape the spinies away with your spoon, or slice them off entirely with a knife. I have no strong opinion, except that scraping them is kind of fun. J sure loves it, to be sure. But it takes a bit of a knack, and if you’re impatient, you may want to just cut them out. Once the spinies are gone, feel free to bite right into the heart; it’s the best part of the choke, I think. If that isn’t a metaphor for the ages.

You might have noticed a recurring theme. I’m way batty for mushrooms.

This time I decided to break away from my normal preferred mushroom cooking method and try something different. It’s a slight adaptation of a gem from my home skillet Billy S and certainly an easy way to cook mushrooms if for some reason you find it impractical to saute them on the stove top. The only thing is that I’m not sure if there’s any real advantage to preparing your mushrooms en papillote, other than to sound French, impress Martha Stewart or delight your guests with mushrooms from a paper bag. Some say that this method is healthier because it cuts down on the amount of oil you cook with, but a) you’re replacing it with butter or margarine; and b) cooking mushrooms stove top doesn’t really call for all that much oil. So I don’t know what that’s about. One thing I can say is that cooking your mushrooms this way will result in slightly softer, less browned mushrooms, so if you’re trying to control texture and presentation, that could be a reason to choose the papillote method.

Three important departures from the Billy Sonoma version that I’ve included here: 1) Omitted the parsley because I was serving them in an arugula salad and didn’t need the extra bitterness; 2) After steaming them in the parchment for about 10 minutes, I opened up the bag to dry them out a bit, because they had produced quite a bit of moisture, as we all know our fungus friends are wont to do; 3) Added red pepper flakes, because you know I love the spicy, yo.

One last thing. If you’re wondering where you can get your hands on some parchment, you can find it in most grocery stores in the aisle with aluminum foil and wax paper.

1 lb mushrooms, brushed clean – I used shiitake, trumpet and almond mushroom (random farmer’s market find), but you could use any combination of mushrooms you like

1/2 tsp ground sea salt

1/4 tsp freshly ground pepper

Red pepper flakes, to taste

1 tsp fresh lemon juice

Preheat an oven to 375°F.

Cut parchment paper into an 18-by-11-inch rectangle. Fold the rectangle in half crosswise. Open the parchment and coat with the 1 tbsp butter. Place the rectangle, buttered side up, on a baking sheet.

Cut the mushrooms into bite-size pieces and place in a bowl. Add the salt, pepper, butter pieces, lemon juice and toss well. Spread the mushrooms over one half of the prepared parchment paper. Fold the other half of the parchment rectangle over the mushrooms and fold the vertical edges over twice, working your way along the edge of the paper to end with a twist on both ends. Place the package on a rimmed baking sheet.

Bake until the parchment packet is puffed and the mushrooms are cooked through, about 10 – 12 minutes. At that point, do a progress check – have they thoroughly juiced? If so, go ahead and carefully open up the parchment and return them to the oven for another 1 – 3 minutes to dry out any lingering liquids. Transfer the parchment packet to a platter and serve immediately. (Or, if you’re making a salad, add them to the salad and serve immediately. More on the salad coming soon.)

Here’s how this soup happened. We were at the farmer’s market, and J was like “Ooooh, asparagus. Should we buy some?” And I was like, “Um, really? Uh, suuuure … I’ll use it to make asparagus soup.” And J said, “Great. What else do we need for asparagus soup?” And I said “OH, nothing.”

Which I knew probably wasn’t true, because I had no idea how to make asparagus soup. But for some reason I had a totally irrational moment where I thought that if J knew I had no idea how to make asparagus soup then he would try to stop me from making it. Which he never would have done. I have no idea what got into me. It was like I was momentarily possessed by the spirit of my 5-year-old self. And then I found myself in the situation where I had to figure out how to make it. So I spent a sizable chunk of time reading asparagus soup recipes and eventually concluded that I was pretty much on my own. Basically they just all seemed really boring and not what I wanted. Worse still, they all called for making a soy milk roux, and you know how I feel about making roux with soy milk (soy milk + flour + oil = liquid chalk). So, I made up my own. It’s kind of a hashing together of a few recipes with variations based on my personal preferences. Here it is. J and I both loved it.

1 – 2 tsp white pepper, to taste (possibly more if you love white pepper as much as I do)

Tofutti sour cream to taste

First, prepare the asparagus by breaking off the rough ends. You can do this by holding the very end in your fingertips and bending the rest of the stalk until it snaps. The rough portion should break naturally at the place where it’s supposed to, usually around an inch or so from the end. (Thanks to J for this tip!)

After breaking off all the ends, slice off the tips of each stalk (usually about an inch or so) and reserve for later. Take the remaining stalks and slice them in approximately 1 inch pieces.

In a large Dutch oven or stockpot on medium heat, heat the 2 tbsp olive oil. Add the celery, potato, asparagus stalks (not tips) and salt. Toss in oil and saute for ~5 – 8 minutes or until vegetables are tender, stirring regularly. Add stock and water and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to a simmer, semi-cover and cook for around 5 – 10 minutes, until a knife easily penetrates vegetables (timing depends on size of your veggies and how tender they were after sauteing).

In the meantime, steam the tips for about 5 – 8 minutes, or until tender.

After the soup is done simmering, puree it in a food processor or blender until smooth. Return the pureed soup to the pot on very low heat and add the steamed asparagus tips. Cook a little bit longer (~2 minutes) but be very careful not to overcook or let the soup boil.

Ladle into bowls and garnish with a dollop or two of sour cream and sprinkling of dill. Serve immediately.

There I was minding my own quiet business waiting for my delicious burrito-to-go from Humberto’s, when lo-and-behold I spied to my right a little Spanish-language classified news rag that had “RECETAS! p. 38” in bold on the side. And I was like, RECETAS! OMG! There’s nothing I love more than recetas, because if it’s a recipe, and it’s in San Diego, and it’s in Spanish, there’s a 90% certainty it will be fantastic. Even if it was sponsored by Nestle. Which it was.

And that being the case, and deliciousness of the recipe aside, I question whether the person who wrote it out ever actually made it, because a lot of the directions were totally wonky. If I had naively followed them, the outcome would have been disastrous. Fortunately, I *slightly* knew what I was doing, and I feel confident that you can trust this version, although I have included a few notes throughout. But don’t worry. Even if you’re not an adventurous cook (and there’s nothing wrong with that – life is too short for bad food), you can’t go wrong with this one.

For the record, I’ve made no explicitly vegetarian/vegan modifications to this recipe, as its original purpose was to serve the Spanish-speaking community with vegetarian recipes for options during Lent. The modifications I’ve made were strictly of the “it is better to make it this way” variety.

2 tbsp Maggi seasoning sauce (you can find it near steak sauces or in the Mexican food isle or at Mexican food markets; if you can’t find it, soy sauce would work – though Maggi has this strange aromatic-ness that is better)

Diced cilantro for garnish, to taste

Dry loose cotija for garnish, if desired (of course this will render it no longer vegan)

Slice and de-seed/de-pulp 6 zucchini in preparation. I recommend a spoon for the de-pulping. Additionally, please note that each halved zucchini is about 1 side serving, and once they are cooked they don’t keep well. Hence, if you are cooking for a small bunch I would recommend only preparing the number of zucchini halves you expect to eat. For instance, J and I would only prepare 2 zucchinis, for a total of 4 halves. We’d save the remaining lentil mixture and prepare the zucchinis on an as-needed basis. Does that make sense? Am I over-complicating things? I can do that sometimes. Anyhoo, back to the recipe.

Follow the instructions on the package to cook the lentils (usually ~ 20 minutes/2 cups lentils). If you bought bulk lentils, here’s a quick explanation of how to prepare them.

For the mixture:

Heat 1 tbsp of the veg oil in a large pan on medium heat. Add the onion, garlic and pepper and cook, stirring frequently, until onion is soft. Add the cooked lentils, tomato sauce and Maggi sauce and cook, stirring frequently for about 2 minutes, until everything is hot. Remove from heat. Fill the zucchini halves uniformly with the lentil mixture. Now, you have two final options:

If you want to cook the stuffed zucchini stovetop:

Add the remaining 2 – 3 tbsp of oil to the original pan and heat on medium-low. Place the zucchini in the pan and heat for about 10 minutes or until tender.

If you want to bake the stuffed zucchini in the oven:

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Bake the stuffed zucchini on a baking sheet or in an iron skillet for about 10 minutes, or until tender. This option is healthier as it requires no oil, but it may result in dryer zucchinis.

Serve immediately with salsa,* cilantro and optional cotija as a garnish. When removing the zucchinis from the pan to serve, use a spatula to avoid a crumpled zucchini fiasco.

A NOTE ABOUT THIS RECIPE: I really liked my first attempt at this but felt there were many improvements that could be made. I will continue to experiment with it and promise to provide updates in the future. Please check back!

*If you’re in San Diego in the greater park area, head over to JayCee’s on 25th & C – they have this excellent fresh homemade salsa in the back of the store in the refrigerated section near the meat counter by the Oaxacan queso. We like the hot version, but all of the varieties are excellent.

This party fave is the result of a combination of several different white bean chili recipes, actually, all originally meat-inclusive, minus the beans and plus a bunch of random stuff I added for fun, including a few special twists I like to include to make something mine (e.g., hella garlic, jalapeno, potatoes and homemade soup stock) alongside the requisite vegification. Enjoy!

By the way, please note: This is a fairly spicy chowder. If you have trouble with spicy things, I’d recommend starting with about 1/4 of the recommended jalapeño & cayenne, and then adding additional pepper to taste. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. However, if you luvah the spicy, preparing this with the maximum amount of pepper ingredients recommended puts it at about a 7 on a 1 to 10 spicy scale, IMO. So …

2 large onions, diced

2 large carrots, diced or thinly sliced

1 celery rib, chopped (3/4 cup)

2 bell peppers, red or yellow or both, chopped or diced

4 – 6 smallish sized potatoes, peeled and cut into 1/4-inch pieces (I use Yukon gold or red or both, though you can really use any kind of potato, and you can use more or less if you like)

If you’ve never cut fresh corn from the cob, view this tutorial. If you are intimidated, however, please feel free to use canned or frozen corn. It won’t have quite the same freshness, but it will still be delicious, so don’t you worry. Anyhoo …

In a large pan, sear the corn for a few minutes, until it begins to brown slightly. Set aside.

Stir in the cream cheese & corn, gently whisking until well combined. Allow to cook for another 10 – 20 minutes or so. Add the salt, pepper, dried thyme & nutmeg. You can also add more cayenne & more cream cheese to taste, if desired.

The thing to remember here is that thyme is your friend; it takes the part of the ham hock which is usually required in this Southern dish. I’ve listed dried thyme, but HIGHLY suggest getting it fresh. It’s easy to grow yourself to have on hand. Around our house, we normally include a jalapeño, slit four times down the sides, so that I can remove it after cooking. If you aren’t sure about your spice tolerance, cook with only a little pepper and finish with Tabasco or another pepper sauce on your plate. It is easy to reduce the amount of sodium by using less vegetable broth. I’ve made it with water instead and extra thyme and it works out great.

Rinse peas and pick over for bad or discolored peas and small stones; transfer to a large saucepan or Dutch oven. Cover with broth and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to a simmer and continue cooking for 5 minutes. Add the onion, diced carrot and garlic.

Add enough water to cover by 2 inches. Add pepper flakes, black pepper, thyme and oregano. Bring to a boil; reduce heat to medium and simmer, covered, for about an hour. Uncover and cook for 30 – 45 minutes longer (this is a good time to start some rice), or until peas are tender. Add more water as needed to keep them moist.

Serve with brown rice and steamed collard greens with lemon.

And because J is such a great guy, he’s included nutritional info for you:

This is a very fast and easy pasta of the variety that I usually make if I haven’t been to the store for a while and/or I’m feeling lazy. That is because I pretty much always have all of the ingredients on hand,* and also because it’s really fast and easy to make. Oh wait, I already said that. Did I mention it’s fast and easy? But how about quick and simple? Anyway. As an aside, if I were dispensing unsolicited advice on general kitchen-keeping, I’d say try to usually have these ingredients on hand. With these basics, there are many different dishes which can easily be thrown together on a moment’s notice.

Mushroom Spinach Arrabiata

1/2 lb mushrooms (I like button or baby bella, but any kind will do)

4 tomatoes, roughly chopped

6 c. uncooked spinach

1/2 onion, diced

2 – 3 cloves garlic, minced

2 tbsp olive oil

1 can stewed tomatoes, chopped, with sauce

Oregano (or you could just use a generic Italian seasoning blend – Trader Joe’s has a pretty good version)

Red pepper flakes, to taste (I use a lot)

Salt & pepper to taste

1/2 package of pasta (follow cooking directions)

Saute mushrooms on medium heat for a couple minutes, then covered for a few minutes more until they juice. Remove cover and continue to cook until liquid is reabsorbed. Add garlic and onion and saute until onion is softened.** Add tomatoes and spinach and cook until spinach is fully wilted and tomatoes are mushy. Add stewed tomatoes and seasonings to taste. Continue to cook until the sauce is thick and pasta is done.

Serve immediately with pasta. Makes approximately 4 servings.

*You can omit any of the fresh vegetables if you don’t have them.

**J prefers this sauce to be pureed with the onions and fresh tomatoes for a smoother sauce. If that is your preference too, then simply start by sauteing the onions & garlic before the mushrooms, add the tomatoes and tomato sauce, then blend in a food processor until smooth. Saute the mushrooms separately per my directions above, add the spinach and saute until it wilts, then add the pureed sauce to the mixture and cook until it’s hot.

I freely and shamelessly admit to you, this shiz is a straight-up Billy Sonoma ripoff. You see, they have this beautiful, delicate soup that is rendered unnecessarily non-vegetarian by the totally extraneous placement of chicken stock rather than vegetable stock. That being the case, I fully admit that my adaptation of replacing the chicken with veg stock is not particularly cunning. But the recipe is so thoroughly lovely and simple that I feel it warrants a bit of pomp and circumstance. Tah-dah!!!!

Heat the olive oil in a large Dutch oven or stockpot over medium heat. Add the leeks and saute until softened, 3 – 5 minutes. Add the broccoli and saute, stirring frequently, until slightly softened, about 2 – 3 minutes more.Add the stock and bring to a simmer. Cover partially and cook until the vegetables are tender when pierced with a sharp knife, 15 – 20 minutes. Remove from the heat.

In a blender or food processor, puree the soup in batches until smooth and return the soup to the pan. (Alternatively, process with a stick blender in the pan until smooth. Reheat the soup gently over medium heat. Season with salt and white pepper. Ladle the soup into warmed bowls and garnish with the sour cream and chives. Serve immediately.

Adapted from Williams-Sonoma*

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*If you’re wondering why I keep repeating the point, it’s because I don’t want them to sue my ash. Not that they would ever notice me in the first place. But you never know.