Putin hits us right in the Jolie’s

In his final Cabinet meeting of the year, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that, while he regrets cutting into Angelina Jolie’s selection, he would be more than willing to help her have Russian children. With his dick. (“Brad can watch.”)

Mark it on your calendars, fellow Americans. From this point on, we can no longer adopt designer babies from Russia. According to a bill signed by Russian President Vladimir Putin, wealthy U.S. moms will have to dress underfed kids from pretty much everywhere else in the world in our country’s unused skinny jeans.

If that sounds harsh, please realize that this was in response to a U.S. bill that promised sanctions on Russians who have violated human rights. And, you know what? We’re with Putin. After all, what’s the point of protecting human rights abusers if there aren’t any unwanted children in your country for them to abuse?