THE MANDATORY HISTORY LESSON BEFORE THE FUN BEGINS: We won’t bore you with the fact that everything cost a nickel when we were little.

Nor about how, when we were medium-sized, things went up to a dime, but did we take to the streets or even shoot off our mouth just because everything suddenly went up a hundred freakin’ percent? No. We took it like a little man and jacked up our lawn-mowing and fence-painting fees and kept capitalism on the even keel that it enjoyed until, well, we blame Reagan, but feel free to hurl brickbats at anyone you want for the reason why everything except cats costs roughly what you’re worth these days.

Let’s look at ice cream, which we don’t like nearly as much as pie, but we live just a couple of blocks from an

ice cream shop, which means we eats us some ice cream every now and again, especially when the Cop Across the Street is around, which is pretty much all the time, because how many cops do you know who work a lot? Exactly our point. Anyhow, he’s always wanting ice cream and every time one of us sends one of our innumerable children across the street for ice cream, we end up spending 20-something bucks, instead of the handful of nickels our parents had to part with in the days before there were problems.

Now, admittedly, a lot of that expense has to do with the fact that the Cop Across the Street orders a company picnic’s worth of ice cream, or at least the most mammoth thing on the menu – the sort of sprawling affair that usually comes with all the employees and a brass band gathering around to play and sing songs about how there’s no way you’re gonna eat all that.

Oh, look: We said we weren’t going to bore you and there you are, face-first in your coffee cup. Let’s get to the point: This week is the greatest week of them all for ice cream fans, or just for people who hate spending very much money.

Let’s start with free ice cream, which is suddenly making the nickel stuff we had as kids look like the ice cream of the rich and famous.

Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day is on Tuesday. This is the ice creamery’s 30th year in the biz, and they’re giving out comp cones – yes, Mr. Suspicious, a scoop of ice cream is included – at all their locations, which, to be honest, isn’t saying much if you live in or close by Long Beach. Ben & Jerry’s II, the ambitious name of Long Beach’s only B&J’s (it got its II status back in the days when No. 1, now shuttered, was on Pine Avenue) is over in the farthest-east portion of Long Beach, at the Towne Center, 7559 Carson St. The next-closest, according to the B&J Web site, is about a dozen miles away in Orange, and according to What’s Hot! Chief Economist Robert Reich, it doesn’t make sound financial sense to spend $5 worth of gas to get a free scoop of ice cream.

The next day, the price of ice cream goes up, but it’s still way below today’s typical prices as Baskin-Robbins hosts its 31 Cent Scoop Night from 5 to 10 p.m. Wednesday at its stores, and there are plenty of these in and around Big Town.

MIXING BEER & POLITICS: We, being a close student of how we behave when we’ve had a pint or two of loudmouth, would be interested in how we’d comport ourself with the pairing of booze and local politicians. We’re guessing it would go something like this:

Us: OK, councillimans…. Hiow….whaddabou you can change the fee… the fee…. the SEA festival? Bout that?

This one will feature a brace of notable seconds-in-command, Bonnie Lowenthal (vice mayor) and Suzanne Frick (assistant city manager). Meanwhile, numero unos Bob Foster (mayor) and Pat West (city manager) are invited to our Barn & Smoke-Filled Room to watch political chat shows with us on our flat-screen and play drinking games which involve shots of tequila every time an arguing pol says, “Will you please let me finish?”

Anyhow, yeah, you get Lowenthal, Frick and pints of beer at Gallagher’s. The talk is free; beer costs extra.

If you want to watch from the comfort of your own bar, you can play along live at the Web site www.beerandpolitics.org.

Tim Grobaty began his career at the Press-Telegram in 1976 as a copy boy and has held several positions at the paper including feature writer, music critic, TV critic, copy editor and, since 1991, daily columnist. He is the author of four books, most recently a memoir/collection "I'm Dyin' Here." He lives in Long Beach.

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