How to get into BDSM

Has anyone asked if you're "vanilla"? They weren't asking about your favourite ice-cream. They were probably "kinky", the correct term for someone educated in the art of bondage, domination and sadomasochism (BDSM)

Wet (psychoanalytical) dreams

Photography by Getty Images

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We have 19th Century psychiatrist Richard von Krafft-Ebing to thank for the term "sadomasochism" along with two writers, the Marquis de Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. The Marquis was keen on kidnapping women, cutting into their flesh and then suturing the wounds with hot wax. He spent over 30 years in insane asylums and wrote prolifically on the subject of sex and pain. Leopold was more into submission. He reenacted his novella Venus in Furs with his mistress by signing a contract that bound him to being her slave. He revelled in being dominated and the physical pain from being whipped.

Richard von Krafft-Ebing introduced the terms "Sadism" and "Masochism" in a medical context, defining fantasies of receiving or inflicting pain as signs of being psychologically disturbed. Leopold von Sacher-Masoch was understandably upset by this (and Marquis de Sade was six-feet under so he had little to say on the matter.)

Were they really disturbed?

If we only ever experienced pleasure it would get a little dull. Pain as a juxtaposition to pleasure can heighten the experience: think how much nicer a frosty beer is after a long day of hard labour, or a warm bath after walking hours in freezing rain. If you're a runner you might have experienced "runner's high" after intense and painful sessions. This euphoria is caused by the release of opioids, usually associated with pleasure. That line between pain and pleasure isn't a border, so much as a semi-permeable membrane.

The study of pain is immensely complex and still very much in its infancy, but people clearly consent to being whipped and spanked because they find pleasure in it. Normal, run-of-the-mill, boring people. IT workers in San Francisco, for example.

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BDSM in SF

When Margot Weiss conducted research into BDSM in her hometown of San Francisco in the early 2000s, she found that the practice created an identifiable community based on a shared material culture, interests and experiences.

This community engaged in BDSM in groups of three or more at private parties or clubs (called dungeons in the community). Some BDSM, namely "blood play" (drawing blood) and "breath play" (asphyxiation), is extremely dangerous. These BDSM devotees were highly educated, and they had to be to keep it interesting. Weiss even used a declassified 1963 CIA manual during a class to make scenarios involving interrogation more realistic.

The community created new experiences, scenarios and toys (old BDSM joke: how do you know you're kinky? You've got more toys than your kid) to make sure than it doesn't get stale.

Modern day BDSM

Some may dismiss this BSDM community as bored nerds who lost their virginity too late in life, but that's too reductionist. Most highly educated people require stimulus to stave off boredom.

Photography by Rex Features

The BDSM movement in SF during the Eighties - which began as a predominantly gay phenomenon - was obliterated by HIV/AIDS. The enforced closure of many bathhouses after health fears meant that today in San Francisco BDSM is strictly regulated.

You can even get certificates ranging from Japanese Rope Tying to CPR (a requirement if you want to become a "Dungeon Master").

Heavies are present during BDSM parties who will intervene if things start to look too dicey. And contracts à la E. L. James are mandatory for insurance purposes and to ensure that interactions are consensual (Marquis de Sade would have lost interest by this point).

In a way these rules are synonymous with the ropes and chains themselves: the restraint of the rules complements the bondage and dominance. Instead of being imposed on by the state - as we found with the orgies in Iran - self-regulation and discipline creates the atmosphere needed for a community with a sense of purpose. The scary fact of the matter is that we crave rules. Many of Margot Weiss's subjects would complain of the increasingly strict structures restraining their practice.

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We wonder how they managed to do that with a straight face while hog-tied.

Now, would that be "vanilla" for you, Sir, or our new flavour of the month, "kinky"?