For nearly two decades now, Sports Illustrated has stirred the tea leaves to discern a weekly Sign of the Apocalypse. Deadspin salutes the magazine's ongoing effort to head off the end of times, but declines to quietly cede to SI the scoop on the biggest event in world history.

SI's SotA this week: "In order to prevent injuries, the Napoli soccer club, currently in second place in Italy's Serie A, has banned its players from having sex for two days before every match."

The IRS paid convicted tax cheat Bradley Birkenfeld $104 million for information on how scuzzbag Swiss bank UBS AG, his former employer, promoted tax-dodging offshore accounts to American clients. The whistleblower's bounty worked out to some $4,600 for every hour of the 40 months the former banker spent in prison for conspiring with a developer to evade income taxes.