Monday, September 2, 2013

Few of us like a Monday Morning, but Amebo Pulse does
for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s
entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the
down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.
Is it Monday already? Gosh! I think I’m getting too old for this
‘gossip’ parole. Now I don’t even know the difference between Sunday and
Monday anymore. I woke up this morning, and boom! Grabbed my Alomo, as I
always do, drank a little, got on my black knees, prayed to my
ancestors, finished my alcohol, grabbed my HP computer (1960 edition),
checked my email, replied all my fan mails (with love and a ‘chop
knuckles my brother’), replied all those celebrities and their hungry,
angry lawyers wey wan chop my money (about 500 jobless lawyers), then
settle down to do my work. Abeg, before we start, let’s close our eyes
and say a prayer.
“Anybody wey Amebo dey pain for belle sotay them wan kill am, may the
spirit of my Granpapa (wey be chief priest of one wicked ancestral juju
shrine), hammer him head like Omawunmi take hammer one camera man.
“Any lawyer, wey talk say na Amebo Pulse wey him go carry feed him
family, may economic crunch, crunch all his bones and his bank account.
May hunger forever ‘put it to him’.
“Finally, any celebrity wey get mind wan bribe Amebo, may the long
corrupt arms of EFCC, find their ways into the Ghana-must-go bag.”
And let the congregation of Amebo Pulse say…..AMEN! My people, let the show begin.

Burna Boy: Weed, Mad Man, And Breakthrough
God dey o! One day I go make enough money. Enough money to employ all
the Lagos Agbero so that they go fit beat anybody for me. Beat all my
Oga at the top, beat up all those senators wey wan follow drag babe with
my 6-year old son, beat all those haters of good gossip, and most
importantly, beat Burna Boy.
Yesso, Burna Boy, that handsome small boy with a voice like a
Jamaican and a chest like a Port-Harcourt area boy. The boy really
hustled in PH city, until he finally moved to Lagos, in search of his
daily bread. God blessed him with the bread, and also gave him butter
and beans to take chop the bread. His songs are now as sweet as poison,
they don begin sell, he’s released an album, and even sef, Burna boy don
follow deceive GLO, play wayo, collect their brand sponsorship money
chop, clean mouth, smoke weed.
Well, the whole matter runs to the fact that Burna Boy is now a big
boy. Infact, I put it to you that he’s a big man. He has plenty money,
fine expensive cars, girls wey fine like Jezebel, plenty of fans,
sycophants, and lest I forget, the boy has plenty of Marijuana. Freshly
cut Lagos marijuana for his daily consumption.
Burna loves to smoke weed. He smokes it in the morning while flipping
through the bible during his ‘quiet time’, smokes it in the toilet,
behind his church on Sundays, at his mother’s backyard, on his birthday,
his dog’s birthday, even on Jesus’s birthday, Burna go sing ‘we wish
you a merry weed-Mas’ and a happy igbo!

All Burna wants for Christmas is a freshly rolled wrap of weed from the North Pole!

My people, as we all know, when you smoke plenty weed, you’re bound
to lose control, even in public places. It’s not their fault, it’s just
that they’ve taken more than they can hold. So they explode. Just
imagine the young man, forgetting his shirt at home during an event. All
because of weed. No mind am jare. Last week was the worst of it all.
Let’s take a trip to Port Harcourt because what’s the point of
telling this story if we can’t go down to where he first had his first
smoke (which he bought with money for his WAEC form). Burna was in PH
last week, with his friends and followers (I used the word followers
because I don’t want to sound impolite. Otherwise I’ll have used
Beggars. Oops, I just said it. Beggars!), he went to the Silverbird
Cinema to watch Man Of Steel. So like all normal people, he was supposed to buy a ticket from one Ticket salesgirl.
Well it appears that the salesgirl don dey do night vigil for God to
change her story, give her good rich famous boyfriend. So when she saw
Burna Boy, she put on her best pout. The type of mouth expression I like
to call (in my best French accent) “Le Pout Of Life”. The
girl begin dey say prayer for her heart say make God send Burna boy her
way. She believed in the words of her pastor, who earlier that day, had
looked at her with so much anointing and said “ Sister, your miracle is
on the way. Make sure you are ready to receive it.” So on seeing Burna,
the girl was busy dancing in the spirit for her breakthrough.
Burna Boy, on seeing the fine girl, went there to buy tickets. As he
swaggered down there, feeling like he owned the world, he said “ They call me Gbuuuuurrrrrrnnnnnna Gboi”…
That was all I heard because the next moment, the girl said
something, and Burna got angry. He slapped the girl, poured his drink on
her, and I swear if he had his weed, he’ll have thrown it at her. Trust
PH girls, the girl fight back, kicking shouting and calling all her
militant boyfriends. Na Police wey separate that fight. Arrest Burna
Boy, and took him to the cell, where I’m sure they collected some change
from him, took ‘famzing’ instagram pictures with him, and uploaded on
their facebook profiles. The police truly is your friend.
Burna Boy ran back to Lagos, to continue his singing, and his Indian
Hemp romance. As for the girl, what she thought was her breakthrough,
was just the devil trying to break through her face with one hefty slap
from an indian hemp addict. God be with you, my daughter. Your miracle
is still on the way.Moral Of The Story: Let’s All Make Money, So That We Go Beat Burna Boy Back. Nonsense.

Wizkid: Rich Man Gbagaun!, Poor Man: Gbagaun! Detector
Before I start this sweet story, let me quickly give you guys a sneak view of the Joey’s Dictionary Of Amebo Pulse. There’s a special word definition and meaning you must learn today. Must!Word – Gbagaun: (gbagawun). (slang) A
funny word used to describe bad, illiterate and improper use of the
English language. Origin: Nigeria. Synonyms: Bend down for the arrow,
see bullet, chai! Gunshot!
Well class closed. Let the story begin. Please, don’t forget the above lesson. It’s very important.
I speak good English, sweet English, fresh English, Ajebutter
English, in fact my English too sweet. Forget all this Amebo business
wey I dey do, because if I talk to any girl, she go gree sharp sharp.
If you doubt me, then read my tush Tuesday column or my Ajebutter Friday column. Good.
I love good English up to the level wey be say, if anybody dare speak
bad English, I go dey vex badly. In fact I’ll not only be angry,
repulsed, feel repugnant, and abhor that despicable cretin, and
half-witted simpleton, I’ll also be surprised, stunned, astonished,
amazed, flabbergasted, and gobsmacked beyond the horizons of human
comprehension. Phew! See Grammar! According to Psquare, Grammatically, I
go deal with you because I sabi big grammar too. I go school.
So when Wizkid began to sing plenty of sweet songs, with plenty of Gbagaun!
inside, I ignored the small boy, because I was enjoying his music, and
so why disturb myself with improper use of English, when ‘Jaiye Jaiye’ dey carry me and my sherikoko dey
go heaven with flexing. But when Wizkid decided to use bad English
again on Instagram, one fan called him out without any mercy. The fan
told him the truth. See the picture below.

Our Award for “Gbagaun Of The Year” Goes to…Wizkid

Wizkid Gbagauned!, the fan corrected him,
and even gave him a suggestion to help with his improper use of English,
and what did the singer do? He called the fan broke. A fan who has been
buying your songs with his last N150, and cared enough to correct your
dirty mistake, and you called him broke. Stupid boy!
The thing pain everybody, no be small. So J. Martins, that big bros for music, took time out to correct Wizzybaby again.“I’m not taking any side, don’t mean no beef, no disrespect, and
no hate but let the truth be told. I don’t believe because you feel you
have a few change you didn’t have a few years ago and which you cannot
guarantee having in a few years to come then you wake up and look at
those people who have cheered you up, loved you, supported your music,
bought your CD’s, prayed for you, just because you can lay your hands on
some phone and you call them ‘poor’. Am not in and will never be in
support of anyone who has such bad attitude.“It needs to be corrected, we owe our fans the duty of being good
examples that’s why they hold us in high esteem, that’s why you are a
role model and if you know you cannot be a good role model you have no
business in Music. You don’t know if it’s that person that might help
you tomorrow, whoever does that should be checked.“You have to decide why you are in the music industry. If you
know you cannot be a role model then you have no business being there”
Good man. He told the truth.
But my concern be say, why call the fan, and caring man ‘broke?’. Abi
you don feed am before? Or Wizkid who you don ever feed? Eh? Next time,
if I hear you call anybody broke, including your pet dog, We at Amebo Pulse
go sentence you to 10 full weeks of appearing at this column. And you
know what that means. Every week, we go dey treat your case, like leper
wey no fit find T.B Joshua. Nonsense.
And as for you, the caring, concerned Gbagaun Detector, no mind them. Keep up the good work. In fact, I hereby make you the official Gbagaun Detector-General Of Amebo Pulse. Your mother will be proud of you.
See you all next week. Hate me, love me, I’ll still appear. Don’t
forget to drop your comments, they make me fall in love with you. And
I’ll love you like Burna Boy loves Timaya.