Wednesday, July 22, 2009

President Barack Obama Press Conference - July 22, 2009

Obama: hello American people you all know if we don’t enact health care reform we are totally fucked in a major way - now I’ll take questions from the idiots called the white house press corps

AP: How do you plan to pay for this and what’s your dealbreaker?

Obama: hey dude right now we’re all paying for it - at this rate we won’t be able to afford to iPhones, cable tv, or to invade every tiny little country that pisses off

AP: oh no

Obama: yeah! so that’s 2/3 of the cost right there

AP: and the rest?

Obama: remove tax deductionsbut I don’t foreclose other options

AP: oh no don’t say foreclose

Obama: hey we could raise taxes on millionaires

White House Press corps: oh shit

Obama: or eliminate waste

White House Press corps: oh yeah much better

Obama: I’m am the motherfucking president and let me tell you - just like the economy - the health care system I inherited from George W. Bush really fucking sucks

White House Press corps: oh poo

Obama: we can do this but we’ve got to make some major fucking changes - we need new computers, fewer tests and better goddamm lollipops!

White House Press corps: he’s good

Obama: people hate Washington DC but I’m telling you people the cost of doing nothing is worse - yo Two First Names David Alexander!

Reuters: what’s the rush Bammy

Obama: people are fucking dyin on me!

Reuters: then you bite the bullet and take them to a fucking hospital

Obama: you have set deadlines in this town or nothing ever fucking happens - at this rate I’m going to have promise a mushroom cloud over Arlington to wake you fuckers up!

Reuters: that iz scary

Obama: you’re damm right it is!

Obama: C-Todd let’s all get a load of your big brain

Todd: how many people will you leave uninsured and will they deserve it?

Obama: good one toddster - look I want to cover almost everyone - but not that cheerleader on Heroes - she keeps jumping in front of a fucking bus and running into fire and that shit just ain’t right!

Todd: woo hoo NBC

Obama: zip it Toddy

Todd: woo

Obama: the average American is paying hidden costs to pay for people who get their primary treatment in the fucking ER - that is just stupid

Todd: why can’t you get all the blue dog Democrats on board big guy?

Obama: hey I float about the fucking fray - I love me some Chuck Grassley - sure he’s a major doofus but at least he’s not off hiking the Applachian Trail of Stupidity

Todd: good one Barack

Obama: of course it was goatee boy - Tap Dancer!

Tapper: Mr. President will we be sacrificing the lives of our old people and will any of them not be celebrities?

Obama: they’re going to have to give up the endless joy of mammograms and that third MRI and of course the testicle squeezing

Tapper: [ twittering ] i hate teh ball krushing

Obama: hey dude stop twittering for a goddamm second

Tapper: [ twittering ] prez sayz dood no twittering

Obama: I get that people are worried about all the trillions of debt - debt I inherited from Stupid I might mention - also Bush lost 700,000 jobs and trillions in U.S. wealth

Tapper: [ twittering ] Bam says Stupid screwd me

Obama: so I care about the debt and I cut it by 2 trillion by for example getting rid of a fighter jet that doesn’t fly in the motherfucking rain

F-22 Pilot: [ pops umbrella ] uh oh

Obama: Computer Chip!

Reid: specifically what kind of human sacrifice are you suggesting for Medicare for example may I suggest my mother-in-law

Obama: that’s cold Chocolate Chip

Reid: heh heh

Obama: I just got Big Pharma to give me $80 billion for old people - Kristy!

Parsons: why all the secrecy Bam

Obama: hey you can stand outside the white house and see who goes in and out if you really want

Parson: why not put it on C-SPAN

Obama: we did - a network no one but crazy shut-ins in the perfect place to hide!

Q: Will you crack down on Wall Street criminals

Obama: it was Stupid who gave all the money to the Bankster Crooks - now as it turns out the experts said we had to give free money to criminals who created a near Depression to stave off an actual Depression

Q: that is awesomely convenient

Obama: wait there’s more - now they’re all getting rich off the money we gave them which proves we were right!

Q: Do any of them drive Cadillacs like Reagan’s welfare mother

Obama: hell if I know - all I know is the lesson we’ve taught them is that whenever they get in trouble for their gambling Uncle Sam will be there to bail them out

Q: so what’s the solution?

Obama: public shaming - they must sit in the table near the kitchen at Le Cirque

Bankster: oh the horror

Cleveland: Will you guarantee people will actually be covered once the GOP gets hold of this 1,000 page bill?

Obama: that’s the beauty of the plan - health insurers must compete and provide good, honest, non-profit driven-care or go out of business

Insurers: oh shit we’re fucked

Obama: right now health insurers are getting super-rich fucking over the American people which is nice for them but kind of fucking sucks for the rest of us

Audience: he’s got a point

Obama: dammit people right now the Insurer comes between you and your doctor - and getting rich by denying care when somebody gets sick is just fucking wrong!

Cleveland: will enroll in same public plan?

Obama: I’ve got the best health care in the world - I got tiger woods’ doctor dammit

Q: why are you going to Cleveland - did you lose a bet or something?

Obama: read the Mayo Clinic blog - they tweeted that they love me

Q: dood can a black man enter his own fucking house anymore?

Obama: I know very little about this incident with Skip Gates except every damm little fucking tiny detail

Audience: I see

Obama: hell I’ve been stopped by the Secret Service three times trying to enter the fucking White House

Audience: wow

Obama: the Cambridge police acted stupidly for arresting a brother for entering his own motherfucking house - I mean all this was all covered in the movie Soul Man for christ’s sake

C Thomas Howell: amen bro - catch me on Southland

Q: I’m black and now I’m going to back in my White House and watch America's Got Talent and make sweet love to my beautiful black wife in the motherfucking Lincoln bedroom