blowing through the cobwebs of my mind

I’ve Been Tagged – Love and Hate

Juls at The Indecisive Eejit tagged me in this. I thought it might be a bit of craic! I’m better with hates, being the bitter woman I am, so I’ll just do those. Maybe I’ll do loves later, but they aren’t as funny so probably I won’t.

1. Onions. Hate hate hate them. Always have – my family will attest to this – and it is also genetic as my maternal grandfather hated them with a bigger and nastier hatred than I. They hate me right back – the last time I tried to “suck it up” and eat something cooked with onion I suffered for hours. I felt like I’d eaten everything on the restaurant’s menu despite not wanting any of it. Bloated? You don’t know the meaning of it. I couldn’t drink afterward, FFS. My only solace is that iDJ also hates them so we never have an argument over cooking with them. Source: pickleope.com

2. People who think it is funny to make jokes about hurting cats. If I say something about how annoying my cats are, the proper responses are: a) aww b) oh I know what that is like! c) silence if you don’t care. d) “I’ll kill it/kick it/drown it in a well for you” Is never fucking funny. Take your sick sense of ‘humour’ elsewhere – I’d never say that about your human child.

3. People who pull out in front of me, make me slow down, and then turn off just when I’m almost nearly back to the speed limit – so I have to go back down to second gear. Seriously. If you are only going a few blocks, can’t you wait until the road is entirely clear before pulling into traffic?

4. Styrofoam. Not the peanuts, but the big lumps of it some products are still packed in. I cannot abide the sound of styrofoam against styrofoam. That hideous squeak. Shudder. Even worse when the crap won’t pull apart and I have to use my fingernails to get a purchase… Oh man, my back hairs are standing up at the thought.

Shut up, you have back-hair too.

Maybe not that much back hair. But still.

5. Putting a garden hose back. Since childhood it has irritated the shit out of me to have to coil a hose up and put it wherever it is meant to live. My dad probably still remembers me whining about having to put away the hose and sprinkler so he could mow the grass.

I’m glad as hell that Himself bought me a spiffy Hozelock self-retracting reel (the one that the robins recently built a nest in, no harm done). It isn’t often we need a hose in Ireland – certainly I’ve not needed one this year at all so far – but coiling the previous fuckers up made me bitchy. Or lazy. Or both.

6. Self-retracting vacuum cleaner power cords. They don’t self-retract. Ever. They need to learn from Hozelock as those bastards figured that shit out. I’d rather wind it up myself, and I just said how much I dislike doing that sort of thing.

7. Modern ‘chart’ music. Just because something sticks in your head doesn’t mean it is good. Have you tried silence? It isn’t bad, you know. Much better than the whiny lot of men and women I am forced to listen to at work. The only good thing I have to say is that at least the obvious, irritating trend of auto-tuning vocals seems to have run its course.

Image via Shutterstock

8. My digestive system, and my weird-ass skin. Both of you can fuck off, I’m tired of you messing with me. Oh, and the woman-bits? Don’t let the door hit you in the arse in your way out. Buh-bye, as soon as possible. If I have to get old to get rid of you, so be it.

Source: magnificentfrigatebird.com

9. Movies and TV shows that use music to telegraph what is coming next. Ooo, dark scary music, shit is about to happen! Oooh, light violins? They gonna kiss! I’d like to not be emotionally and obviously manipulated, thank you. Stop it, just stop it, its insulting. If your efforts on screen are so bad that you need music to let your audience know what is going on or about to happen, you need better writers.

I’m a reader – books don’t come with shitty orchestras – and I and many others like it that way. Thinking for yourself and all. What a concept.

10. Can I say onions again? No? How about fresh coriander? I grew some from seed a few years back, as we use it in cooking. I was flat-out astounded to find that the smell of it on my fingers made me want to bathe my hands in liquid dog-shit to get the smell off. It was that foul and that pervasive (like dog shit, but worse!). I know that fresh coriander is a big divisive issue – love or hate – but I was truly surprised to find I hated it so much. Sadly I know ending on this means most comments will be about coriander! Dammit.

While I empathize with the frustration of people not getting it about things you can’t eat, #2 belongs at #1. I literally lie awake at night horrified at the casual, funny-ha-ha remarks I’ve heard over the course of my life about brutalizing cats or any other animals really. But especially cats. Strangely, though, I WOULD say it about someone’s human children. Humans are largely fucking parasites who aren’t worth the protoplasm they’re printed on — the young of the species particularly. I have vivid fantasies about mowing down toddlers in parking lots. I can’t express how intensely I hate children.

As for crap “music” on the radio, that is another thing that moves me to imagining violence.

Only I want to know what vacuums even pretend to have self retracting cords? With six cats and a home business, I am the Goddess of Vacuums and I have yet to find one?

I didn’t actually rank in accordance to severity of hate. I only stopped at 10 because I was supposed to.
I knew quite well that when I said that about kids, you would be on the side of running them all into a wood chipper! But as much as you might want to, you rarely get to SAY so. Humans still think it is okay to say it about animals, which is both more common and more ‘acceptable’.
I’m forced to listen to the radio at work. Not one of my coworkers is uncertain about how much I hate it. Because I make it dammed clear how much I hate it. One of the older men sympathises with me, at least.
We have the Dyson ‘animal’ vac, 10 years old now. I think the cord used to retract. Or maybe it only works for himself, as I end up pulling it out, pushing it in, making sure it isn’t coiled or trapped… asshole.

I do occasionally say it out loud about kids. And you’d be amazed how typically the reaction is a spit take AND laughter. (I can’t remember the last time exactly, it involved little screamers and something about chloroform.) I don’t think most people really like kids as much as they feel compelled to say they do. When you think, how could they?

I worked in an office once where the two women at the other desks played COUNTRY AND WESTERN all day long. The horror.

Now I am vexed by the image of a vacuum with a cord that retracts into an asshole-shaped aperture, complete with puckered rubbery texture and realistic tinting.

Other people’s screaming spawn are hated by all, I’m sure. Probably by their parents, too – at least for a little while. Especially in a restaurant.
Yeah, if we can’t get the chart station, they will put on Midwest Radio. If you think American country is bad, and it is, don’t ever listen to Country and Irish. It’s like US country but weaker and sappier and covered in cobwebs.

I bet your vision of an ass-aperture would actually work better than the rubbish they install on vacs now! I can almost hear the sucking noise, like a reverse fart.

I don’t get the ones who joke about it – that sort of thing makes the actual violence seem okay; a joke. Nope.
Thanks – if you’ve ever had wet dogshit on your hand, you KNOW how awful it is to wash off!