"It's a happy life, but someone is missing. It's a happy life and someone is missing. It's a happy life -- "

(Elizabeth McCracken, An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination)

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Unsaid.

How are you doing?(Please don't say anything too much. I hurt for you and your pain and don't think I know what to do if you start crying.)

I'm tired.(I am sad, lonely, aching with longing to hold my son again. I feel completely shattered, like my heart has been ripped out of my body.)

Oh.(Thank god, I can handle that.)

-silence-

We're thinking of you.(We feel sad when we remember and take a moment to be appreciative of our blessings.)

Thank you.(Oh, Gabriel, you were so beautiful and perfect. I miss you so much. I do not want to live the rest of my life without you in it.)

So. . . let us know if you need something. Anything we can do, please call.(I would like to make some of the pain better, and there is nothing to do. But hey, I can bring you dinner or send you some flowers, I'll even do your laundry.)

Thank you, there's nothing. But if something comes up. . .(It's appreciated, but all I want in life is for my son back with me. You cannot make that happen. So now I just want to be alone where I don't have to think about comforting you too.)

It's worse what is unsaid between my husband and I, the things that are spoken with the touches, the eyes, the tears. Pleas for each other to be ok, asking if you are thinking about him right now too. Trying hard to be brave and together for the other person, each of us wanting to break down.

I wish more people would look me in the eyes. I wish more people would say his name and acknowledge that Gabriel was born, lived and died and mattered in this world.

I am new to your blog, just came across it this morning. I am so sorry for your tragic loss. Everything you are thinking and feeling is SO normal. Your little boy was perfect and loved so very much, and i'm sure he knows that. I have been in your shoes, twice. I have lost 2 baby boys, my heart has broken twice. Stay strong...you will get through this. Not today, not tomorrow, and not next month...its a journey you will walk forever. But one day, you will smile for your baby boy - or so i'm told.

I just read Gabriel's story and your beautiful words. I found your blog through glow in the woods. I think Gabriel was due around the same time as our Juliet--January 17, 2010. She was born on October 10 and lived for two hours. I just wanted you to know that Gabriel is making a difference in my life and I will remember his influence in my grief process. Thank you.

I'm just cruising blogs, searching for I'm not quite sure what. I can relate to a lot of your posts, and just want to say that Gabriel is still being thought of caringly.... I'm so sorry for your loss.

"Now Rachel's weeping for the children she thought she could not bear, and she bears a sorrow that she cannot hide. And she wishes she was with them; she looks and they're not there. It seems that love comes for just a moment and it passes on by.And her sky is just a bandit swinging at the end of a hangman's noose, because he stole the moon and must be made to pay for it. And her friends say, 'My, that's tragic.' And she says, 'Especially for the moon.'And this is the world, as best as I can remember it."