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September 24, 2012

Well, it's good for everyone that I'm writing this later than when I was first going to write. Let's just say having to say goodbye to my little boy who was saying, "come on, Mommy!" all the way out the door of the hospital room plus the delay of getting to eat dinner made me down right teary. But I told myself to put on my big girl panties and pull it together...so after a meal that was way smaller and not as good as the last time I was here ( strange), I am feeling a bit more like myself. I swear, dont mess with me when I have low blood sugar....it's not pretty.

So, now I'll back up and fill in some details: Today I had my first appointments with doctors regarding my care here, and during my routine ultra sound, it was clear that my cervix was quite a bit shorter than it was last Thursday. Enough that the Doc decided he wanted me in the hospital for a few days just to make sure everything stayed as it should. They also went ahead and gave me my first round of steriods to boost Tabitha's lung development just in case she does grace us early....P.S. that needle was big and it went into a place that I usually rely on for cushioning....One day, when she's a teenager I hope someone mentions all that I have done for her ;-)

I'll stop here and say that most days I do not feel like an adult. If anything I'm a little girl playing house. But days like today I definitely feel adultish. Having to listen to a new doctor rehash what our little girl may face ( yes, she might have some neurological problems that we can't even foresee yet because of her condition....gotcha, thanks for bringing that up when I can't do anything about it.), having to decide if we wanted to do the steriods now or later, giving Brett all the info over the phone so that we could make the right decision...), making a million and one phone calls trying to make sure I'm covered by insurance while I'm here ( major prayers about that one....apparently my transfer approval still hasntgone through yet....here's hoping we aren't adding this hospital stay to our list of current expenses...meeeh!) while also worrying incessantly about Ransom and what his care should look like over the next few days....and only at the end of the day even thinking about the fact that I'm spending the night in a hospital by myself. Yup. I'm giving myself big girl credits.

All in all, while today is not my favorite day it's not the worse day either. Family and friends continue to love on us with such devotion and with such consistent outpouring it is a constant reminder of how we are being upheld in the less visible ways. This morning I came to the 23rd Psalm....

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want....

My title explained: An eternity ago, my friends, Andrew and Cindy allowed me to stay with them for a week while Brett was doing some training before his deployment. During that time, their son Jack was only about 3 and he misunderstood my name prenounciation and ended up calling me "a big girl" during my stay...I've always thought it was funny. I think I've earned the title.

September 23, 2012

It is my favorite time of year in Georgia right now, the sky always seems bluer and there is a crispness in the air in the mornings that makes you want to take really long walks. The weather starts to get perfect, highs in the low 70s and I start to obsess about pumpkins...pumpkin decorations, pumpkin flavored everything, and I start to crave soups and heavy pieces of bread ....but not this year.

This year is different. This year is hopefully a one of a kind, and I have to keep reminding myself that, just like fall in Georgia, it will come and go. This year Ransom and I are in muggy, hot Houston for my favorite months of the year. And while I'm holding on to fall in the only way I know how-pumpkin spiced lattes from Starbucks-I'm trying to accept that this fall is just not going to be the same.

But it is important to acknowledge seasons, isn't it? My friend Miranda lives in Hawaii where, from what I hear, it's always beach weather...yet I know her heart, and I know she's probably drinking pumpkin spiced lattes too...sometimes we have to make our seasons what they should be....and so I've been thinking about the one I'm in right now...And how I can personally make it a little better...

I can't tell you how hard it is to be far away from Brett right now, to think about facing scary doctors appointments and dark nights of not sleeping without him next to me. It's hard to see our cute son learning and growing and doing adorable things knowing that Brett is missing him like crazy. And yet, I hear the little whispered reminder from Above that this is just a season, and so I ask the Lord to draw our family together even when we are physically apart....and I ask Him to draw me closer to Himself during those hard times, especially since I should be relying on God and not my earthly husband during those rough times anyway!

It is hard to be on bed rest, it is hard to have to rely on the sacrifice of loved ones for your day to day care. But I have found that in just the two days we've been in our "The Lord Provides" house ( as I like to call this amazing gift) it has been easier to just lay around here than when I was at home, there is just something about your own space that really makes me want to clean and organize and do, but here I am much more willing to sit. But, what will I do with all that sitting? Besides trying to be as involved as possible in Ransom's upbringing....I want to use this time more wisely. Let's just say I'll keep the excessive watching of Gossip Girl to the times when I inevitably can't sleep every night and spend my days on things a little more worthy of thought. One of the greatest blessings of this season has been the correspondence with others that has increased....in sharing in our pain and struggles, friends have also opened up about their own....it reminds me that we are all fighting battles great and small...and more than ever I am aware of the great power of prayer. As much as I am grateful for others lifting us up in their prayers, I am reinvegurated to pray more myself...friends with illnesses, at risk pregnancies, job loss, relationship troubles, life cross-roads....these are all important to the Lord and I hope I can do a better job of lifting them up as they have lifted me up. After all, this is a Season....and at some point it will be over, I do not want to look back on it and see how I missed out but instead I want to look back at how it was used....used to point me closer to the Mark, closer to what is truly important. I want to look back and see Life rather than Longing for something that I can't have. So here is to Autumn 2012...may it be a good one.

September 17, 2012

The last few days have been a bit more relaxed around here, due probably 99% to our dear friend Tabitha who arrived from Vancouver for her "vacation" aka...waiting on us hand and foot. When I said in my post about the girls names that baby Tabitha would have a wonderful real life example I was not kidding....Tabitha is a gem. Bonus: Ransom can now say "Tabitha" perfectly.

So, I am grateful for this last week which definitely was full on highs and lows, including some scary news and a hospital visit....I think now I've just come to expect such things and didn't even blog about it....because, hey, we're dealing with some high risk stuff here and me going into preterm labor is literally a daily possibility. That being said, Brett and I did some soul searching and decided that even though it will mean us being apart and Ransom only getting to see his Daddy on long weekends and some short weekends too (hopefully!)....the hardship of all that is worth having Tabitha in the BEST possible place for her medically....sooooooo.....back to Texas we go....as early as Thursday.

My doctors agree that I am tentatively stable as of "right now", I will literally have an appointment on Wednesday just to make sure...but that that window is fast closing so if I want to go to Texas, I better go soon.But let me be totally honest with you, it's very hard for me to go back to Houston, especially without Brett by my side. As much as I appreciated our stay there ( enough for me to believe that we will get THE best care for Tabitha there), I did not have the best of times....we lost our daughter there, and we dealt with much of our grieving there too. While coming back to Georgia has had its major challenges....it was still home, and I will always be a homebody. I am continually reminding myself that a lot of my worry for Ransom regarding homesickness and displacement is probably just projection on my part. Lucky for me, my sweet boy is actually very very adaptable and at the lovely age of two I can also be thankful that he'll probably not even remember much of what is going on.... Other than the extra time having fun with family members and Texas loved-ones that he wouldn't normally have...And so, tomorrow we say goodbye to Tabitha and we begin the process of leaving for Texas. Did I me too, that Brett is in the field this week? Cool. No bigs....I've got my Georgia girlfriends for one more week and I am sooooo blessed by their kindnesses.

September 10, 2012

In some ways the last few days have been harder than the first super hard days that we had in Houston....not because of any particular awfulness but because sometimes its harder to have Faith on the "normal" days. You aren't in a hospital, your family isn't surrounding you, you do not have the hope of an ultrasound in a few hours or a doctor standing there with answers to your questions. And above all, you do not have the Abundance of Grace that seems to pour out in times like that. Seriously, I believe that the Lord pours out with such abundance in times of dispair and I've lived it first hand. I know it to be true. He carries us through.

But what about the other days? The normal days. All there is to do today is take care of Ransom, which I cannot do, and be still and rest, which I do with difficulty, and wonder about tomorrow....and that's where it gets difficult and the little lies creep in, I start to wonder if any big prayers will be answered ( forgetting the ones that already have been), I wonder if Tabitha will be taken from us too? I wonder if we'll find the help we so desperately need to take care of our home during this season ( forgetting that he has so far).... I forget it all, and I feel so empty. So, the question is....is there grace on these days too? I believe so.Today in my reading I read Luke 5:5: where Jesus is in the boat with his soon-to-be disciples, and he tells them to let down their nets. Peter replies with, "Master, we have toiled all night and for nothing, but at your word we will let down our nets."This verse struck me hard, I felt like I have been such a fishermen of late, toiling in my own strength, getting nothing in my nets but an old coke can and some rusty nails....the question is, when the Lord asks me to lower my nets again, to have Hope again, to trust Him again....will I do it? In this passage it says nothing about whether or not Peter believed that this time would be different, in fact, later when they do pull in a huge load of fish he falls down at Jesus' feet and asks for mercy so maybe he didn't really think things would change...but, even if he didnt, he was still obedient. And I believe that is where my own Grace-filled Truth lies today. In being obedient. Lowering my nets into seemingly empty waters and trusting that the Lord has a good reason for my nets to be there.... What will I haul in? Only the Lord knows...but whatever it is it will be about Him and not me, it will teach and mold and change me...but first I must be willing to lower my nets again.

September 06, 2012

People can be really lovely sometimes. Yesterday was super awful in a lot of ways, but today was so much better and when I look at the facts-nothing had really changed from yesterday to today other than me seeing more clearly the incredible band of people that I have at my side....

I got cards from people today and I'm not even kidding I've met only two of them. One I've only meet a hand full of times! The other two I've never met....and yet their kindness, their heartfelt words of encouragement and solidarity was so kind. I was so moved.

Today I got a little package on my door from Brett's boss's wife. I'll side track for a second to say, that often in the military you meet "higher ups" who go through the motions of "Family Development" and who's wives are the same...seemingly kind and friendly but once you get past the exterior you get little. I have not experienced this. Brett's last two bosses wives have been some of the kindest, classiest ladies and I have learned so much from watching their consideration of others. Anyway, I got a little package and when I opened it, I found this ( and I cried a little bit) :

And speaking of gifts, some of my dearest friends who live far away banded together in one of the craziest and most creative ways ever and have gotten Brett and I a DEEP FREEZER which will be filled with tons of food that has been coming our way and which we will need over the next few months of Bed Rest.

And then my wonderful friend Melissa, who gets special name credit because this girl has put such effort in to helping me and finding others to help me during the next week or so before I can ( FINGERS CROSSED...who wants to be my naaaaannnnnny?!? ) find more 'permanent' help...and she does it with such ease and with such a happy spirit I am just uplifted by her optimism. And P.S. Her hubs is deployed. And here she is rockin' out with her 1 y.o. daughter in tow making my days SO much better....THAT is grace.

And then there is the little "army" of friends she's pulled together to stay with me during the day and feed us at night...and...well. We quite literally couldn't do it with out them at this point. I am at the mercy of others and it turns out that's not a bad place to be.

I write this post not just to share the sweetness of these people, but to remind myself of the importance of even the smallest gesture of kindness towards someone in need, toward someone who's hurting. It matters, and sometimes its the difference between feeling like you're drowning and feeling like you just might make it till tomorrow. I want that for others and I hope that I'll remember this time in my own life, with the focus squarely placed upon my silver lining....people. Glorious, kind people who have come through and reminded me of an even deeper more perfect Love.

Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve and give His life as a Ransom for many.

September 05, 2012

I'm sitting in the airport and we're headed home. It's been 12 days since we left and how our lives have changed so much....

Yesterday we had follow up appointments for Tabitha and learned that she has developed a heart defect. Her right ventricle is not working well at all, and unless it reverses itself* in the next month, we're looking at an EVEN longer road ahead... A road of heart surgeries after shes born. The first one being almost as soon as she's born. This means, we are now looking into the likely possibility that we'll be coming back to Houston for Tabitha to be born...the logistics of that are currently dwarfed in my mind by the logistics of our immediate future. The swirl of how my life has changed overwhelms me. It maybe the 5am wake up call talking here, but knowing how much I will be relying on friends and family to care for me...For Ransom's every day care... It is humbling and it's hard. Hard because in the midst of all this grim news and continued worry for Tabitha I long for normalcy. I long for Ransom and my usual week schedule. For grocery store trips and story time....Yes, it's definitely lack of sleep talking, for who can be melancholy when you've got a cute little boy sitting next to you? A little boy who's currently calling his breakfast muffin "happy birthday cake" ( confirming what we've always known...muffins are just naked cupcakes).

*you better believe we are praying for a miracle for Tabitha's heart. The Lord can heal it, even now, and I will pray that he does until the last possible moment.