Sharing the knowledge we need to grow.

Emotional/Growth and Development

June 04, 2008

We all know that positive emotions are desirable. Who wouldn't rather feel loving than hateful, joyful than fearful, or happy than disappointed? It doesn't take a brain surgeon to tell you that positive emotions make each moment that we are experiencing them a pleasure. But the truth is that positive emotions are far more powerful than that. Thanks to the work of Barbara L. Fredrickson, we now know that positive emotions can bring, not just momentary pleasure, but long-lasting benefits as well.

Fredrickson's Broaden and Build Theory of positive emotions shows that positive emotions produce optimal functioning, not just in the present moment, but over the long-term. Her contribution to the field of Positive Psychology has been significant, but her work can benefit each of us individually as well.

May 27, 2008

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while know that I like to read and that my reading tends to lean toward the psychological, ecological and the spiritual. When I find reading materials that address all three, I'm truly happy.

For those of you who share my interests, you might want to check out my latest read "Ecotherapy" by Howard Clinebell. It's an interesting book on the theory of ecopsychology and suggestions for the practical application of that theory in the therapeutic or educational setting. You can find a link to that book and many others in the same vein in my Amazon Bookstore.

Now getting back to the topic at-hand, like so many people these days, I struggle to stay calm, focus on the positive and find (and maintain) some sense of happiness and contentment. In our stress-filled world, this is no easy feat but find that reading and thinking about things like ecopsychology and various forms of spirituality helps to sustain me and keep me on track. As much as my approach to spirituality may be non-theistic and non-traditional, it is perhaps a more important part of my life than I sometimes realize and I believe this is true for most of us.

Whether or not we consider ourselves religious or non-religious, I think that we are all in some respects spiritual. As I discussed in a prior post, The Meaning of Spirituality, spirituality is about feeling that we are each one part of a larger whole. The whole may be defined differently for each of us - Christianity, Islam, the human race, all living things, the universe etc. Or, for many of us, the whole may be indefinable. As human beings, it seems to be in our nature to wonder about our place in the universe and our role or purpose. We need to have meaning in our lives and this is what I am talking about when I talk about spirituality.

As I read, I seem to find that Eastern Philosophies have the most to offer when it comes to practical spitituality. In Taoism in particular, I have found a great deal of practical wisdom, some of which I have already shared with you in my post Come On Get Happy.

I've also written a guest post for the PositivityBlog about Taoist Secrets to Doing Less and Getting More Done. Those of you who like my prior post on Taoism or who simply like practical spirituality might find my guest post helpful as well. Check it out and let me know what you think. And, if you have any spiritual reading suggestions, please share them.

May 23, 2008

Like my middle-aged vision, I find that my life lacks focus. It's nothing new. I've been this way my whole life. I flit from idea to idea, from project to project, from career to career in much the same way I once went from boyfriend to boyfriend. It's the way I operate.

The only problem with this approach to life is that it's hard to get anywhere in life. Great achievements are not made by people who are jacks-of-all-trades and masters-of-none. We may be interesting people with colorful backgrounds, but we

May 21, 2008

I have never liked the rituals that accompany death...the "viewings" especially. They always struck me as creepy and morbid. The deceased never looked quite like themselves and I couldn't imagine why people would want to remember their loved ones that way. Even worse, there are those (including my own mother)who want photos of the person in the coffin. Yikes!

Growing up in a family that doesn't exactly have a reputation for longevity, I attended many funerals as a child. And to this day, as much as I love flowers, walking into a flower shop gives me goosebumps. To me, the smell of a generic mix of flowers is the smell of a funeral home. While I'm not happy with this long-term effect of my childhood funeral experiences, I am glad in an overall sense that I was allowed to attend those funerals as a child. I've met many people who never attended a funeral until adulthood and it was usually the funeral of someone very important in their lives - a parent or a sibling. That's not the time you want to feel unprepared and creeped out.

While I had the benefit(?) of early exposure that helped me to know what to expect and become somewhat immune to the creepiness factor, I still don't care for the funeral process. Bu now, as a more experienced adult, I am able to better understand the need for these rituals that we put ourselves through. In fact today, I was reminded of my early experiences with death and of the need we have for these parting rituals. Today I was reminded that no matter how much we try to protect our children, we simply can't

May 15, 2008

I admit it...I'm a naturally pessimistic person. I work hard every day trying to develop and maintain a more optimistic outlook and to focus on what is right and good with my life instead of what's wrong with it, but, truth be told, my natural inclination is to hold a slightly negative view. Oh I've had some success in these efforts...I'm a bit more content overall and I can go for hours or sometimes days without falling into my old crotchety ways, but it is an effort. Happiness can be elusive for those of us who were born to whine. (If this sounds like you, read my prior post "The Pursuit of Happiness" for some suggestions)

When people point out my tendency toward the glass-half-empty perspective, as people seem compelled to do, I counter that I'm not being negative, I'm being "realistic." That's what my Dad always said when I was criticizing his tendency toward pessimism. What can I say...I am my father's daughter and, honestly, I think that response has some merit. Pessimists are known to be more realistic, albeit less happy, people. I've also been known to say "Hey, if I expect that everything will go perfectly, I'm likely to be disappointed whereas, if I expect everything to go wrong, and then it doesn't, I'll be pleasantly surprised!" Makes total (Read more...)

May 02, 2008

My daughter started softball this spring. She's seven, totally inexperienced and very excited. I'm hoping that she'll learn all of the important stuff that she needs to become a good ball player, but I'm hoping she'll learn some important life lessons as well. A very inspiring story from the news this week makes me believe that my hopes may be justified.

Maybe some of you already heard this story, but it is well-worth repeating. This past week, the women's softball teams from Central Washington University and Western Oregon University were competing in the Great Northwest Athletic Conference. Sara Tucholsky, a senior player with the Western Oregon team came up to bat. With two runners on base and a strike to her credit, she did something she had never done before; she hit a home run! The crowd cheered as Sara began running the bases but, in her excitement, she failed to actually touch first base. She turned to step back and tag it and, suddenly, collapsed. Sara's quick turn had torn a knee ligament.

Unable to get up, Sara looked to the first base coach who told her that it was against the rules for her teammates to help her. The umpire stepped in and said that her team could send in a pinch runner, but the hit would only count as a single.

In order for the hit to count as a home run, Sara herself would need to touch all of the bases. Sara was devastated.

It was then that Mallory Holtman, first baseman for Central Washington University, stepped up to the plate - so to speak. Mallory asked if there were any rules that would prohibit her, a member of the opposing team, from helping Sara. When the umpire said no, Mallory and her teammate, Liz Wallace, carefully picked up Sara Tucholsky and carried her from base to base, pausing just long enough for Sara to reach down with her uninjured leg and touch each of them.

The three-run homer counted and as a result, Mallory and Liz's team not only lost the game, but lost any chance of winning the conference and going on to the play-offs. Mallory (Read more...)

April 18, 2008

To many of us mid-life sounds like a dirty word - well, a dirty hyphenated word to be accurate. You can't even think "mid-life" without the word crisis following it, can you? It's kind of automatic that these words flow together in our brains. But think of a mid-life crisis and what picture comes to mind? A speeding red convertible...one hand on the wheel, the other holding down the comb-over...salacious wink at the red light?

I think most of us see a similar image in our minds eye. But men aren't the only ones suffering from this mid-life manifestation. Women also begin to question themselves mid-stream. We wonder how we got where we are and why we're not quite happy here. We have our doubts and regrets and a desire to get more out of life before it's over; we just don't wave a giant banner over our heads like some people. Nothing says crisis like a fake tan and a new toupee.

So what is it like for women? In some ways, I believe it can be a rougher road than it is for men. Men are brought up to go for what they want in this life. Yes, they often take on the duties of husband and father and sacrifice some of their needs to these obligations, but it is different for women from the start.

Women tend to value relationships highly, and in our culture, grow up learning to put others needs ahead of their own long before the husband and children come along. While no one story fits all, many women lose themselves somewhere in girlhood. We live a life full of shoulds and oughts and let ourselves be molded and driven by the needs and desires of others. The result? An adult life characterized by a weak sense of self and dedication to satisfying needs that are often not our own.

When a woman has a mid-life crisis she may recognize what she doesn't like about her current situation, but when asked what she does want out of life, she may have a hell of a time coming up with an answer. It has often been so long since she even thought about what she wanted from life, that she no longer knows.

For men, mid-life crisis may mean wishing for the independence and care-free bachelor lifestyle they once enjoyed. For women though, it may be wishing for a life they have never known. A red convertible or a fling with the secretary won't suffice; there are no quick fixes here. (See my prior post on Racing Towards Mid-Life). Women need to first rediscover who they are and what they want before they ever try to go and get it.

Not everyone is the same, of course. For some, mid-life is a barely noticeable bump in the road. For others, it is truly a crisis. For most, it is somewhere in between - something better labeled as a challenge. And as many versions as there are of the mid-life experience, there are that many ways of dealing with it. For those of you who are having trouble, here are some of my ideas for navigating the choppy waters of mid-life:

Step 1: Acceptance and Commitment

Once you realize that you have a problem with your life as it is, you need to commit to doing something about it. As much as we wish it would, whining and complaining won't change things. Committing to change is the first and most critical step, but often not the easiest. Unless you are single, childless and without any family ties or obligations, changing your life will have an impact on those you hold near and dear. It's unavoidable and, let me warn you that at first, nobody is going to like it.

To find your own path to happiness, you have to make some time to focus on yourself. That doesn't mean that you tell everyone you love to take a hike while you move off to "all-about-me" world. Relationships and obligations are important but, if we want to really improve the quality of our own lives, we need to become more discerning. We need to determine which obligations and relationships are truly important to us and to let go of the rest. Be prepared for lots of pouting and be ready to stand firm.

Step 2: Getting Back to Nature

This might imply spending time in nature and, although that is not really what I am referring to here, I do believe that spending time in nature can help us to relax and to think more clearly and creatively (For more on this, see my prior post on Why Getting Back to Nature May Prove to be the Best Therapy ). For our purposes here though, what I am referring to is getting back in touch with your inner nature.

Your inner nature is who you really are minus all of the roles and identities that you have assumed over your lifetime. Reacquainting yourself with your inner nature means taking some time to think about what your real values are and where your natural talents and abilities lie. Sometimes it helps to think back to early girlhood and recall what you spent your time doing...what you lost track of time doing. Clarifying what you value, what you enjoy and what your strengths are is a prerequisite to clarifying what it is that you want to do from here on in. Goals that don't utilize your strengths or that are inconsistent with your values will only frustrate you.

Step 3: Remove Obstacles

You know what you want but now you need to figure out what's stopping you. External circumstances like a lack of funds or too many obligations may be getting in your way. Thinking out of the box is required to find ways over or around the things that are blocking your path. Women often assume the role of helper but too often we feel uncomfortable with the idea of asking for help. Try it, you might be surprised at how willing people are to give you a hand.

Internal obstacles also prevent us from doing what we want. Is a fear of failure stopping you? Are you a perfectionist? Is negative, pessimistic thinking standing in your way? These internal hurdles can often be the toughest to navigate. Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman and other books may be helpful for changing your thought patterns and adopting a more optimistic approach to life. You might also want to read this post: The Pursuit of Happiness. Need more help? Searching out a life coach or a cognitive-behavioral therapist may be a good idea.

Step 4: Clear the Clutter

You can't add anything new into your life without getting rid of some stuff to make room. Figure out what obligations you can let go of. If you can, pay people to do time-consuming chores to free up your time. Or, delegate some jobs to children or barter with friends and family. Learning to say "no" to things that aren't that important can help you to find time for the things that are. This takes assertiveness and can be excruciatingly difficult for some women. For additional help see my prior post on Becoming More Assertive and look at my reading recommendations. Most of us have a full plate - we can't possibly add in time for ourselves unless we get rid of something else first. It can be done.

Step 5: Make (and follow) a Plan

Now that you know what you want, you've made room for adding new things into your life and you've removed many of the obstacles...you need to start working towards your goals. You can't just sit there and expect that it will all come to you. But don't worry, this is the fun part. If you've done steps 1-4, the hardest part is behind you.

Set your goals and break them down into smaller tasks that will lead you forward. Don't be overwhelmed. It's true that every journey begins with a single step. Take that first step and then take another. See how it goes, make adjustments as needed and believe in yourself. Most importantly, remember that we spend most of our lives on the journey, not at our destinations. Make sure you take time to enjoy the trip!

This article has been featured at the Carnival of Improving Life. Visit the carnival to find more personal growth and development articles as well as financial advice, health articles and more!

April 15, 2008

Mid-life comes with it's challenges. Standing face-to-face with our own mortality leads some of us to panic. You know, the kind of panic that puts men in red convertibles, racing down the highways, comb-overs flapping in the breeze?

Sorry for putting that image into your minds, but I had to do it. It's my way of trying to scare you straight.

I know as well as anyone that mid-life can be a scary time, but please ladies, let's try to keep our dignity intact. Let's not fall prey to the scatter-brained, desperate attempts at clinging to our youth that our menfolk do.

The male mid-life crisis has long had an affair with sports cars, usually convertibles, often brightly colored. Cars that scream, "Look at me...while I've still got it." Women at midlife often suffer from the same fears of mortality, feelings of despair over goals not met, regrets for mountains not climbed but we have, at least until now, handled our crises with poise and grace. We re-evaluate and redesign our lives at best...at worst, we might go in for a little nip or tuck. Either way, we deal with our crises discreetly, (Read more...)

April 08, 2008

It's no strange coincidence that so many of us are looking for happiness. The more we have separated ourselves from nature and from each other, the more miserable we have become.

We are struggling to find happiness, as if it is out there somewhere hiding from us. But it's right where it has always been...we've just lost sight of it.

Happiness is something within us, something that we create for ourselves...it is a way of being in the world...a way of living in harmony with nature (both our inner nature and the nature that surrounds and sustains us). How do we find our way back?

We can find our way back to happiness by looking backward in time and following the ancient wisdom of a people who truly understand how to live happily. As I have begun to explore the basic principles of Taoism, I have been surprised by both their (Read more...)

April 02, 2008

Despite the technological and medical advancements of recent history, modern life is fraught with difficulties. It seems that the more we attempt to simplify life, the more complicated it becomes. Our preoccupation with more, bigger, and faster is taking us further and further away from the natural rhythms that once governed human life.

Stress, obesity and mental illnesses seem to be on the rise not just among adults, but among our children as well. A CDC study of US children found that 2 out of 10 children are obese and that there is a direct link between the number of hours spent in front of the t.v. or computer and the amount of body fat.

Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) has become so common that every child has at least a few classmates that suffer from it. A whopping 90% of children diagnosed with the disorder are prescribed drugs - drugs that interfere with sleep, often cause depression and can retard physical growth by as much as 1/2" per year. (For more on medicating children with mental disorders see my earlier post: Psychiatric Disorders in Children)

There was a time when we rose with the sun, spent our days living and working in the natural world and rested when night fell. In an extremely short period of time (when you consider the entire history of man) we have completely changed our way of living from (Read more...)

March 26, 2008

Eastern spirituality seems to be the West's largest and perhaps most important import these days. It seems that our hard-driven, overly-ambitious ways have caught up with us and we suspect there must be a better way.

We have turned, in large numbers, to the techniques and practices of ancient Eastern religions in record numbers - Buddhist temples now dot the American landscape and yoga classes and meditation centers have found their way to even the most backward of regions. We are all desperately seeking nirvana.

But what is it that we really expect to find and how are we going to find it? Is nirvana out there somewhere or is it within? Do we even know what we're looking for and will we recognize it when we find it?

So many of us are looking outward to find the things or activities that will make us happy. What I am beginning to realize through my own experience however, is that until I am able to find some inner peace, (Read more...)

March 08, 2008

For girls, it isn't easy finding good role models these days. The most public figures (think Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Miley Cyrus) aren't exactly the kind of people that most parents hope their daughters will want to emulate. Too much glitz, too little substance.

Most of us want our daughters to grow up to be confident, happy and productive individuals - women who know who they are and who stand for something more than designer hand-bags and the right to party 'til they drop (or get arrested).

It seems that we parents have our work cut out for us. If we want our daughters to have great role models, we have to go out in search of them and also to become role models ourselves. Who can we look to for inspiration?

There have been many women in history who are worthy of our admiration; Sojourner Truth, Harriet Tubman, Mother Teresa, Susan B. Anthony and more recently, Benazir Bhutto.

But if we are looking in the present, it gets more difficult. A few names do come to mind, Hillary Clinton being one of them. Regardless of your political persuasion, you've got to admit that she is nothing if not a strong, confident (Read more....)

March 06, 2008

Like many people, I have wrestled with religion and spirituality throughout my life. For a long time, I rejected religion. The dogma of organized churches had never set well with me so I chose to distance myself from it. I considered myself a spiritual person, just not a religious one.

Then I had children. I thought that perhaps belonging to a church would be a good thing for the kids. So we tried. At first it seemed to be working out, but then I found myself bristling at the ideas that I was a sinner who needed to beg for forgiveness, that I needed to believe the unbelievable in order to be saved, that I had to live a lie - hiding my true beliefs for the sake of fitting in.

The straw that really broke the camels back was when my six-year-old son began to rebel. I found myself forcing him to go along with ideas that I couldn't even buy into. I knew then, it was time to go.

But what now? I still longed for a sense of community...of like-minded, hopeful, positive, loving people (Read more....)

March 03, 2008

Out of all of the difficult people that we encounter, the "Fault-Finder" can be one of the most frustrating. This is the chronic complainer, the blamer, the negative thinker who can shoot down any idea or option with a single bullet.

I am well-acquainted with the "Fault-Finder" because I have been accused of being one myself (an accusation with which I beg to differ, of course). True, like the "Fault-Finder" I have a tendency to see why something can't happen or won't work more readily than to see why it might...but for a born-pessimist like myself it takes significant effort to change thought patterns like these. I'm finding it to be worth the effort though. Why? Well, I'm becoming a happier person, not to mention a far less annoying one. (For more on pessimism, optimism and happiness read The Pursuit of Happiness)

So, now we know that a pessimistic attitude may be behind fault-finding behavior. But what might this behavior look like? How do we recognize him among our friends, family or even within ourselves? (Read more....)

February 29, 2008

"If I had my life to live over again I should form the habit of nightly composing myself to thoughts of death. I would practice, as it were, the remembrance of death. There is no other practice which so intensifies life..."

Muriel Spark

We all die, of that there is no doubt. And yet, we fail to truly comprehend this fact of life, being surprised and startled again and again. Do we not comprehend the reality of death or is it simply so painful to contemplate, that our psyche's block it out in a desperate effort to preserve our sanity?

Death is a part of life, but it's the part that we just don't want to think about. And who can blame us? The understanding and fear of our own mortality is what separates us from all of the other animals, and it is what makes our lives more trying and more treasured as well. We wish it wouldn't have to be so, we invent religions with promises of life-everlasting, we selfishly prolong lives that simply aren't worth living...all to fight a losing battle.

Death will eventually come, there is no denying it. So what should we do with it instead? Read more...

February 28, 2008

As parents, we all want to give our children as many opportunities as possible. That often translates into piano lessons, Little League, ballet lessons, Kung Fu, choir...and the list goes on. We don't mean any harm, we just don't want our kids to miss out.

Unfortunately our kids are missing out. We've recently begun to hear from parents, teachers, counselors and researchers that over-scheduling our children can be a problem. But the reasons go well beyond running out of time for homework and a lack of sleep.

It turns out that the unscheduled play time that our children are lacking is robbing them of valuable life lessons that simply can't be duplicated by violin teachers and soccer coaches. Imaginative, or creative, play time requires children to manage their own time, evaluate options and make decisions. In supervised activities like lessons and sports, the adults take on most of these duties. The effect? Children are robbed of the opportunity to develop a critical cognitive skill called "executive function." Read more...

February 25, 2008

Becoming more assertive leads us to stand up for what we believe in, to express our feelings and opinions without fear, to do what is best for ourselves and to build more equitable relationships. Assertive people tend to be more confident, self-assured, successful and happy. So why do so many of us continue to let other people run our lives while we silently seethe and wonder why we are so stressed out and unfulfilled? Read more...

February 22, 2008

Of all of the types of difficult people that are out there, the "Know-It-All" is perhaps my least favorite. Like the "Dictator" and the "Back-Stabber", they are motivated by power and personal gain; they just go about getting what they want in a different way.

How do you recognize a "Know-It-All?" They are the people who present what is really only their opinion as though it is a statement of fact. They often speak with a condescending tone and may come across as professorial or down-right arrogant. "Know-It-Alls" tend to ignore, minimize or contradict the opinions of others. They may patiently wait until you stop talking, ignore everything you've said and just go on presenting their own theory. Sometimes their body language can also be dismissive. A wave of the hand or a shaking of the head and a puzzled look on their faces all let you know that, as far as they are concerned, your statements are uninformed and unimportant and you clearly need to stop talking and listen while they clear things up for you.

Conversations with a "Know-It-All" can be tiresome, annoying and even insulting. But going toe-to-toe with them and trying to prove that your expertise is superior to theirs is a mistake. It is simply a no-win situation because the "Know-It-All" isn't likely to listen to your arguments no matter how well-reasoned and sound. The "Know-It-All" isn't about listening, he or she is more interested in lecturing.

Shutting down or caving is isn't the best answer either. Reacting this way just assures the "Know-It-All" that he is right, he does know better than you and he will persist in trying to "educate" you. The best approach is to firmly but calmly stand your ground. Speak with confidence as to facts that you are sure of and when the "Know-It-All" makes a point that you can agree with, do so. Offer a "You're right" or an "I agree with you that..." when you can. It allows the "Know-It-All" to feel respected and tends to pacify them a bit so they may stop trying so hard to prove their point.

It really is an exercise in futility to argue with a "Know-It-All." Unless you enjoy having your intelligence insulted or being spoken to in a condescending way, you simply need to extricate yourself as quickly as possible from the conversation. In essence, your goal should be to firmly but respectfully state your position, while acknowledging or agreeing with them on any point where you are able, in an effort to change or end the conversation as soon as possible.

Do you have a "Know-It-All" in your life? Post a comment and let us know how you deal with the "Know-It-All" in your life.

February 20, 2008

Difficult people pop up here and there in our lives and some are tougher to handle than others. It depends upon the situation and what pushes your particular buttons. In prior posts, I've discussed the "Dictator" and the "Back-Stabber." Now it's time to meet the third in our series; the "Avoider."

The "Avoider" can seem harmless enough much of the time. She will tend to refrain from too much commentary and keep her opinions to herself. Having a conversation with an "Avoider" is like pulling teeth. It can be frustrating and awkward to deal with such a person, but when you need to rely on an "Avoider" for information or cooperation, that feeling of awkwardness becomes the least of your problems.

The "Avoider" typically says little until they are pressed and then often responds with monosyllables, or "I don't know," I'm not really sure," "I've never really thought about it." What, besides shyness or a lack of social skills, causes someone to interact in this way? "Avoiders" are often motivated by the need to be liked and to fit in. They are fearful of standing out and drawing attention to themselves and they may be very uncomfortable with any level of conflict. If you find yourself needing to work with, interview or rely on the participation or cooperative efforts of an "Avoider," you need to know how to break through that wall of silence.

Remember that what this person is really afraid of is rejection. You may need to be more delicate with them and gently draw them out. Say or do whatever you can to assure them that their input is valued and respected and try to create a supportive atmosphere rather than a competitive, hostile one. The "Avoider" needs to feel safe with you. Changing your own communication style may also be needed. Don't rescue the "Avoider." When they are asked for information or their opinion and they remain silent...don't jump in and fill the dead air for them. Wait them out. Let the discomfort of the silence work on them until they feel compelled to fill the dead air. Another key to communicating with "Avoiders" is to ask open-ended questions. Ask a yes/no question and you are likely to get a yes/no answer -- or, more likely, an "I don't know." Posing open-ended questions will force a more detailed and informative response.

Often, if you don't really need the cooperation of an "Avoider", it might be in your own best interests to let sleeping dogs lie. Why frustrate yourself? But when the "Avoider" is the keeper of much-needed information, or their input is critical to a relationship or project you care about, changing your communication style to better work with theirs may be worth the effort.

Stay tuned for further discussion of dealing with difficult people. If you have any stories of difficult people in your own lives, share them by posting a comment...it's the difference between me writing and us having a conversation!

February 17, 2008

So, your co-worker just went to your boss and presented the proposal you were working on? Or maybe one of the moms in the PTA told a few people you have a bit of a drinking problem so it might be best to not let you chair that committee. You've just been stabbed in the back and you feel hurt and betrayed. How could she do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this?

Chances are you haven't done anything to deserve the bad treatment. The "Back-Stabber" isn't interested in rewarding or punishing your behavior. It isn't about you. It's about the other person getting what she wants at any cost.

In my earlier post, "How Do You Deal With Difficult People" , we discussed how these difficult ones are motivated by various personal needs. The "Back-Stabber" is usually seeking personal gain and sometimes revenge. Their need for gain is clearly not related to anything their victim has done, but even revenge often has little to do with the victim. The "Back-Stabber" may very well be seeking to right some perceived wrong that was dealt by someone else...or that exists only in the distorted mind of the "Back-Stabber." Whatever the cause for their behavior, it is rarely something for which you can blame yourself.

So what do you do when you've been stabbed? Confronting the person can be pretty touchy territory. "Back-Stabbers" will almost always deny any wrong-doing and may make you out to be "paranoid" or "petty" making you feel and, perhaps, look even worse. Maintaining a calm demeanor is essential. Stick to the facts and try to establish a norm of honesty...but don't be surprised if none of this works. "Back-Stabbers" tend to do what they do because it works and the pattern of behavior is deeply ingrained. Once you've been stabbed, however, the "Back-Stabber" has made his or herself known to you for what they are. Now you can begin to do something about it.

The first step is to minimize the damage of the initial attack, if possible. Without pointing fingers or bad-mouthing (it just makes you look bad), speak directly to the people who matter. For example, talk to your boss about your proposal, show her evidence of your progress and let her know without going into too much detail or emotion what has happened. Attempts to regain credit to your work may succeed, but if not, move on and chalk it up to experience.

Protect yourself in the future. You now know who cannot be trusted. Keep your interactions with this person to a minimum. If you must work or associate with this person, keep it cordial and perfunctory. Keep open and honest lines of communication with others with whom you both interact so they will hopefully trust their own positive experiences with you rather than the rumors and sneaky actions exhibited by the "Back-Stabber."

When possible, cover your tracks and your bases. Share as little information as possible with the "Back-Stabber" and keep written records of work progress (in the example above).

Most importantly, don't forget who you are dealing with. "Back-Stabbers" can be very charming but once they have shown their true colors, they are unlikely to change them.

As always the best thing to do with difficult people is to stay as far away from them as possible, but when avoidance isn't an option, you need to be prepared to find another way. First you identify them and then you never take your eyes off of them. The best offense truly is a great defense. Never let your guard down.

Do you need even more detailed advice on how to manage relationships with difficult people? There are a great many books on the subject so check these out if you have a minute:

February 15, 2008

Difficult people are everywhere. They work with you, ride the subway with you, go to the same coffee shop. They sometimes pop up where you least expect them; at church, in a chat room, on the comments page of your favorite blogs. Difficult people can make your life hell, but only if you let them...and oh, how we let them. Many of us who are easy going and able to play well with others can be caught off guard by difficult people. We would never (okay, let's say almost never) behave the way they do, and so when we find ourselves confronted with a truly difficult person, we are often unprepared and don't know quite how to respond. We either stand there dumbfounded and speechless, or we react, without thinking first, in an equally negative and belligerent way. Neither response makes us feel good about ourselves and suddenly, we find that we have let someone else's negativity poison us.

How do we stop this cycle? We'd love it if all the difficult people would just suddenly disappear, but it's not going to happen. It all comes down to us. We need to understand what makes people behave the way they do, understand our own reactions and then learn to apply some new strategies. I've been working on this for quite a while, and while I certainly have not perfected it, I'll share with you what I have learned.

Why can't we all just get along? Well, the answer is complicated. People behave the way they do for many reasons, but essentially, they behave the way they do because it meets their needs. Even dysfunctional behavior usually has a function if we analyze it closely enough. So we are left with choices of how we are going to handle difficult people in our own lives. We have three choices:

Walk Away - The simplest and best approach but often, the least feasible. There are many people that we have to maintain relationships with so we need to know what makes them tick and how best to handle them.

Change the Other Person - Great idea if you're Dr. Phil; not so good otherwise. Any good therapist will tell you that the only person you can change is yourself.

Bingo! Change Your Response - This takes some work, but the peace of mind that it will bring when you are successful is so worth it.

To change the way we respond, we need first to understand ourselves. Think of difficult people you know. What is it about them that ticks you off? How do you normally react? How does your reaction make the situation worse? How do you end up feeling as a result? Being aware of your behavior is the first step to changing it.

I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to certain types of difficult people. I like to blame it on my Italian temper, but that's really just an excuse for the bad habits I've developed over the years. I stumbled upon something at, of all places, the Delaware Corporate and Commercial Litigation blog, that summed up my tendency nicely. Referring to a recent seminar for legal professionals on dealing with difficult people, the author said "One theme that repeats itself, but is always hard to comply with, is the need to avoid being "baited" as well as the need to "be the adult" and not let someone pick a fight with you or lead you into a downward spiral of retaliatory behavior." Oh but sometimes that bait just looks so darn yummy; it's so very hard not to bite. But biting is always a mistake. I know too well. The point is that you have to recognize your own patterns of behavior and see where they might be counterproductive. Remember, difficult people behave the way they do because they are getting something out of behaving that way. Their behavior meets their needs so they're not likely to change it. The only thing left to do is to change the way you respond to it.

Sometimes, taking a moment to figure out where a person is coming from and what need they are trying to meet can help us to determine the best response to their behavior. The most common motivators for bad behavior are attempts to the need for:

power

attention

importance

revenge

Various needs behind the behavior will become obvious when you know what to look for. This information will help you to tailor your response to each type of difficult person. But before we talk about the types of difficult people, here are some principles of behavior to remember:

Behavior that is reinforced will continue. In other words, if you debate rather than ignore a person who is looking for attention, you are rewarding their behavior and you can expect it to continue.

If you consistently ignore attention-seeking behavior it will go away - but know that it will likely get worse before it gets better.

If behavior does not produce the desired response, it will fade.

Sometimes doing nothing is doing something.

Now there are many types of difficult people out there and we each have our own strengths and weaknesses in dealing with the various types. Some types may get under your skin but not bother anyone else in the room, while others may leave you unperturbed while throwing someone else into a rage. I'll introduce what I think are the six basic types and then we'll go into more detail on the first type. The other five will be discussed in detail in my next few posts.

Here is a summary of the six most common types of difficult people. As I describe each one, think about who would drive you the craziest and if there is anyone in your life right now that you could attach this label to:

"The Dictator" - a person who rules by subjugation. He will frequently employ put-downs and angry outbursts to gain or maintain control. He is unwilling to entertain any ideas that conflict with his own.

"The Backstabber" - She will be pleasant to your face but attack you from behind with criticism, false rumors and other nasty stuff. If confronted, she will smile and deny, deny, deny.

"The Avoider" - he will refuse to cooperate, offer no information unless under duress and will often respond with "I don't know."

"The Know-It-All" - She will present her own opinions as facts using a tone of authority or outright condescension. She leaves little room for discussion and minimizes others comments.

"The Waffler" - He stalls for time when asked for information or input. He likes to be liked and doesn't want to commit until he knows where everyone else stands. He may be indecisive and/or agree to things and back out later.

"The Fault Finder" - She is hyper-critical, complains endlessly, has a list of why things can't be done and lays blame anywhere but on herself.

Recognize anyone? Which type really pushes your buttons? You probably found that you had a much stronger reaction to one or two than you did to the others. And if you're honest, you may have recognized yourself in one of those like I did. Face it, we can all be difficult at times. But for some, it is a way of life. I'm sure that you have, or still are, dealing with one or more of the types and will need to know how best to respond to them.

For today though, let's start with the first one the "Dictator." The "Dictator" is motivated by the need for power and prestige. He is out to prove himself and gain everyone's admiration and attempts to do so, not by earning everyone's admiration, but by trying to beat it out of them. Think about the gang-banger who complains about being disrespected. Even a small amount of psychological insight can uncover the lack of confidence and low self-esteem that underlies this kind of behavior. But remember, we're not doing therapy here. We are just trying to understand why this person acts as he does so we can deal with him more effectively. First, our list of what not to do:

Don't walk away - you'll be perceived as weak by this person and they will continue to pursue you.

Don't argue aggressively - it will just add fuel to the fire.

Don't take their anger personally - it isn't really about you. It's all about the "Dictator's" feelings of inadequacy.

So what should we do? Try a little understanding and then try to meet this person's needs in a way that is not detrimental to you. Don't misunderstand me. You do not want to cater to this person and simply submit to their will. They will lose any and all respect for you. But you also don't want to escalate things into an unwinnable argument. A polite but firm response is what's required. Be clear, calm and firm while still allowing the person to feel right, knowledgeable and respected. This is a very difficult balance to achieve. But it can be done.

The first step is to take a deep breath and calm yourself. The second to remember where this person is coming from and the feelings of inadequacy that are behind his behavior. Then, if it helps (and I think it does), feel a little sorry for the poor bugger and throw him a bone. Let him feel that his input is valuable and that he does have some control, without caving in to him totally. Think, 50's housewife. She made all of the decisions but sometimes let her husband think that he was in charge.

I realize that this is easier said than done. It takes a lot of self-control, a lot of thought and practice. But you will find as I have, that it works (when you remember to do it). It takes time to put these strategies to work in our lives and unless you're the Dalai Lama, you won't always be successful. But even if you manage to put these tips into practice just some of the time, think of the aggravation it will save you.

Remember what I said earlier, difficult people can make our lives hell, but only if we let them. Steve Pavalina on his blog about personal development used the Buddha's words to sum that concept up nicely. He related a story about the Buddha "'where a verbally abusive man came to see him and starting hurling insults. But the Buddha just sat there calmly. Finally the man asked the Buddha why he failed to respond to the insults and abuse. The Buddha replied, “If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?” If someone is irrational, abusive, etc., you can mentally decline to accept “the gift.” Let that person keep their anger and insanity, and don’t let it affect you.'" Nicely said. Decline the "gift" offered to you by difficult people and you'll find yourself to be a more peaceful and happier person. Check my next post for tips on dealing with the "Back Stabber." Meanwhile, try out what we've talked about today and let me know how it works for you. Feel free to post any thoughts or anecdotes in my comments section.

February 04, 2008

This seems to be a time of loss for my family. Within the last month or so there have been three deaths; two family members and one friend. Two of these deaths were expected, one was definitely not. But, in the end, it's all the same. We're never really prepared for the end, are we? We all know that life is finite. We know that all lives will come to an end, even our own. But what we understand on an intellectual level and what we can comprehend on an emotional level are two separate things.

My father died three years ago after a nine-year-long battle with leukemia. We knew it was incurable and we knew it would someday take his life. When his leukemia went from chronic to acute, we also knew that the chances for survival were slim and that this change in the progression of his disease meant the beginning of the end. And yet, when it came to that final day, we were no more ready to handle his death than we would have been if he had been suddenly struck by lightning.

I said to many people at the time that, even though he had a fatal illness and had survived three times the number of years he was given in the original prognosis, we were all somehow totally unprepared for his death. We just weren't ready and I don't think that any amount of time would have made us so. At any point during his illness, even when all of the signs of impending death were obvious, admitting to ourselves, or to each other, that the end was near seemed to reek too much of surrender, of giving up hope, of failure. We just weren't willing to go there.

This weekend my mother-in-law came to a similar end. As my husband tried to wrap his mind around this, and perhaps to stave off the sorrow, he said "Well, it was expected." My perhaps not-so-helpful response was "Yes, but that doesn't really help any." That's my experience. The occurrence of death, while expected, is not totally comprehensible. And neither is the sense of finality and the depth of the emotional pain that accompany it.

It's up to each person to grapple with both the concept and the reality of death in his or her own way. We may go through similar stages of grief and acceptance, but we do so in different ways and in our own time. My way of dealing with things is usually to talk about it - a lot - and sometimes to write. It helps me to sort through my feelings. If any of you find talking or writing about loss to be therapeutic, feel free to share with me and others. You are welcome to post comments relating your own sorrows or your own experience with, and suggestions for, working through it.

"We say that the hour of death cannot be forecast, but when we say this we imagine that hour as placed in an obscure and distant future. It never occurs to us that it has any connection with the day already begun or that death could arrive this same afternoon, this afternoon which is so certain and which has every hour filled in advance." ~Marcel Proust

"We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love." ~Madame de Stael1960

"The death of someone we know always reminds us that we are still alive - perhaps for some purpose which we ought to re-examine." ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook

February 01, 2008

Everybody worries, some of us more than others. I've been a worrier all of my life. In fact, I come from a long line of worriers. It's quite normal to worry really and it can even serve a purpose. Concern about the consequences of our actions or future events can motivate us to act responsibly and to plan. There's nothing wrong with that, is there? Nope, there isn't...unless you take it too far.

For some of us, worry becomes an obsession. We practice it with such skill and frequency that we elevate it to an art form. Spending so much of our time and energy on worry unfortunately doesn't allow time for much else. This type of chronic, obsessive worry is often referred to as rumination; dwelling and mulling over past errors and fretting over the possibility of more to come. Rumination can frazzle our nerves, test the patience of our loved ones and make us, and everyone around us, miserable.

In Martin Seligman's book, "Learned Optimism: How to Change Your Mind and Your Life," he describes how rumination occurs when we dwell on, mull over and relive negative events. In essence, we are worrying endlessly about things we can do nothing to change. In fact, claims Seligman, women have a much greater tendency toward rumination than do men. Men tend to act (kick the dog, punch a hole in the wall or shoot some hoops to distract themselves) while women tend to think (and brood and obsess and question why). A woman's tendency to ruminate also adds to the likelihood that she will develop depression. Women are, in fact, twice as likely to suffer from depression as are men.

What makes a person become a ruminator? There are probably a myriad of causes including the behavior modeled by our parents, the number and frequency of failures we've experienced and others. There is some research being done at Yale University that suggests that it may even be an inherited tendency. When I look at my own family tree, I would be inclined to agree. So, to put it simply, we don't know exactly what causes some of us to ruminate, but we know that it is bad for us. So can we change this? And if so, how do we go about it? I'm glad that you asked.

Changing this type of behavior is never easy, but there are things that you can do. The first step is to recognize that you have the tendency to ruminate and to decide to do something about it. That accomplished, you need to do a little spying on yourself and actually catch yourself in the act. In "The Power of Optimism," Alan McGinnis suggest catching yourself thinking negative thoughts and taking a moment to evaluate them. Are they productive? Are your perceptions realistic or are you exaggerating? What evidence is there to back up your negative thoughts? For example, does your recent failure to please your boss with progress on a particular project mean that you have screwed up big time, that you always screw up, that you'll never be able to fix this, that you are a complete and utter failure? A little critical analysis will usually lay waste to these types of catastrophic conclusions.

But these thoughts have a way of intruding anyway. To really get rid of them you have to distract yourself and replace these thoughts with more positive ones or with some engaging activity. You might want to put off thinking about the negative stuff running through your mind until you get home, or write it down in a notebook so you can dwell on it later. Then you'll need to make use of a prepared mental list of distracting activities or positive thoughts that you can whip out in an emergency. Take time to find an inspirational quote that you can recite to yourself or a phrase such as "I'm not perfect and I don't have to be" or "This too shall pass" or whatever floats your boat. You can sing an uplifting or favorite song to yourself or suddenly find the button on your shirt so fascinating that you are distracted by examining it in detail. Sounds ridiculous but these things can work and sometimes make you laugh at yourself in the process.

Loretta LaRoche wrote a wonderful little book called "Relax - You May Only Have a Few Minutes Left: Using the Power of Humor to Overcome Stress in Your Life and Work." In it, she says that laughter reduces blood pressure, relieves muscle tension, encourages deeper breathing and boosts your immune system. She also has some great ideas for injecting humor into not-so-amusing situations. So the next time your driving yourself crazy with worry, try distracting yourself with something goofy. Even force yourself to make a silly face or put a huge ridiculous grin on your face (although you shouldn't do this in the middle of the discussion with your boss). See how it goes; you just might break that negative thought pattern and give yourself a laugh in the process. Let me know if it works or if you have any other worry-busting ideas

January 30, 2008

I went to a funeral service yesterday. My uncle (not a blood relative, but one of those best friends of my parents from childhood type of things), whom I've had little contact with, had died peacefully after a long illness. My lack of any significant relationship with this family allowed me to sit back calmly and observe. Expecting to be relatively unfazed emotionally, I found myself with a lump in my throat none-the-less.

Stories told by the minister, my cousin's struggles to hold back tears and make it through the eulogy, Taps played at the end of the service all brought up memories of my own losses; particularly the loss of my dad three years ago. It was inevitable really. By this not-so-old, but then again not-so-young, age of forty-five, I have seen my fair share of death and loss. By the time mid-life comes along, grandparents depart (if they haven't already died long ago), aunts and uncles pass on, parents begin to fail and die and let us not forget the serious illnesses and deaths among people our own age that begin to happen with increasing frequency. Is it any wonder that depression and unhappiness peak for many people around age forty-four or so?

For most of us, it is somewhere around mid-life that the reality of death and of our own mortality meets us face-to-face. It's how we meet and greet this unwelcome but inevitable visitor that determines our own personal level of fear and discomfort at mid-life. Our unpreparedness and lack of ability to cope with the reality of death can become a powerful accelerator on the road to mid-life crisis.

How is it that people cope with all of the losses that begin to pile up at this time of life? Each person eventually finds his or her own way, but it is usually a process that takes some time. For many people, religion plays a large part. Although the belief that a dear departed one has moved on to a better life and will be seen again one day offers hope, it really offers little comfort to the person who is dealing with loss in the here and now. Some future possibility of reuniting with a loved one doesn't really stop the pain, does it? And if you don't believe in life after death? Well, then people just don't know what to say. How do you provide comfort to someone suffering a loss? How do you find comfort if you're the one suffering?

Many people have had a lot to say over the years about death, loss and coping with it all. One of the most well-known is Elisabeth Kubler-Ross who spent a lot of time with dying people and tried to use this experience to help the rest of us better understand the dying process. Others have also tried to provide methods for coping with loss. Some of the best advice I got was during my training for becoming a hospice volunteer. We were encouraged to listen, allowing the dying or the grieving family member to talk and express their real feelings without fear of criticism and without having to hear annoying platitudes. We also learned that time and the expression of feelings in one's own way, in one's own time is what heals; not what anyone says in response.

Some of us just need to talk through our loss, for others talking is too difficult. Writing letters to the the person we have lost can help to get those feelings out, as can painting, drawing, or preparing memorial scrapbooks. The point is that, for all of us, the grieving process is uniquely our own; it happens how and when and for how long we decide it must. It can be particularly difficult at mid-life because we sometimes choose to not deal with death. We get a fake tan, dress like a teenager and pretend it just isn't happening. All of it a desperate attempt to run like hell from the inevitable.

There is an upside to this fear of death that weighs so heavily upon us a mid-life. A little bit of fear can be a good thing; a motivator. Used properly, fear of our impending demise can push us to make long-overdue changes in our live. Realizing that it will someday come to an end, we can choose to make the most of what life we have left. I'm in the midst of this process myself, trying to harness those wild-eyed horses of panic so they'll lead me to joyful engagement with life instead of a plunge off of the nearest cliff! There are lots of ways to work through this and lots of people to help. I've included some resources for dealing with loss and also for renewing your life at mid-life in the sidebar (see Loss and Mid-Life Headings). If you have any helpful suggestions for those dealing with loss or mid-life crises, please post comments. This site is meant to be a way for us girls to help each other. I value everyone's input.

January 28, 2008

How many interviews have you seen where the interviewer asks "Who were your idols growing up? Who did you (or do you) look up to? Who influenced you the most?"? It seems to be a popular question and it always gets me to wondering (just in case, you know, for when I'm famous and chatting with Oprah) who I would say inspired me. Hmmmmm...I've never really been able to answer that. I've thought long and hard and realized that I never really had any idols, even as a kid. I looked up to my parents and occasionally wished I could sing like some famous singer or that I was as beautiful as some actress, but these were never people I actually tried to emulate. Recently though, I find myself being inspired, not by anyone whose name you would recognize or anyone you will find in a history book, but by people I have come to know personally. Perhaps all of these years I was looking for idols in all the wrong places?

I know that the people I am speaking of would be surprised to hear that I look upon them with such reverence. They'd probably have a laugh over it. But they really have demonstrated for me how to be brave in the face of danger, how to maintain a sense of humor in spite of fear and pain, and how to be strong and to focus on the positive in the midst of the negative. I've already mentioned these two friends in a previous post: one, a breast cancer survivor and the other, in the thick of the battle. Both of these women seem to meet each day with a positive attitude, gratitude for what they have rather than despair for what they don't. They are energetic, involved, caring people that look for the good in everyone and never pass up the opportunity to laugh. They don't do all of this for my benefit, but it benefits me none-the-less. I can't help but stand in awe of women who are facing challenges that far exceed any of my own and who meet these challenges with strength and grace and humor. These women are my idols and my inspiration; they are the ones I look up to and am trying so hard to emulate. Historical figures and celebrities may fascinate me, but I am finding true inspiration much closer to home.

For ideas on how to stay positive and maintain a sense of humor while dealing with breast cancer, please click on Book Recommendations under Breast Cancer in the sidebar.

January 23, 2008

I've never been what you might call "a joiner." Following in my dad's footsteps, I tend to hold back a little. I generally have a wait and see attitude when it comes to people. Let me size you up and see if I really like you, see how much we have in common, whether or not we're on the same wavelength. The problem with that is that if I'm holding back, chances are everyone around me is doing the same thing. So there we are, all standing around making faulty assumptions about each other that are based on nothing more than a facade. No one is really connecting. It's a highly inaccurate way of getting to know what people are really about. And it leads to anything but a wealth of positive relationships. But we do it, because we don't want to just put ourselves out there, with all of our flaws, and leave ourselves vulnerable right? As I've gotten older though, I find that I am becoming a little more secure in who I am. I care a little bit less about what other people think. So I put myself out there a bit more, I say what I really think more often and I openly acknowledge my flaws and my fears and and my worries. And you know what? When I manage to do this...to be open about what I think or what I'm worried about...it's like my own self-disclosure opens the flood gates for others. Women, in particular, respond. And suddenly, a connection is made.

I've experienced this many times, and I am always amazed. I try not to wear my heart on my sleeve and tell everyone about my problems ad nauseum, but I do try to be myself and speak honestly and from the heart. A simple admission from me about something that I regret, or a worry I'm preoccupied with and suddenly, it's like the masks on the people around me slip off. The change in facial expression and way of relating to me changes instantly and dramatically. There is a look of surprise or relief. They begin to speak with me on a whole new level, suddenly seeing me as a confidant that can be trusted to see the real person behind the mask. I've found this to be true with women anyway. Women need to talk things through, to confide in each other, to bounce ideas off of trusted friends who provide checks and balances. But it seems as if we are all holding back, trying to present a confident, I've-not-a-problem-in-the-world facade. Why - to impress each other?...to convince ourselves? I'm not sure; I just know that it's counterproductive.

It can be hard to open and honest with others. Yes, it does make us a little bit vulnerable and no, not every single person will respond in the way I described above. But, most of the time, opening up and being your true self, with all your flaws and shortcomings, leads to connection with other women. We need this. We need to know that we are not alone, that there are others struggling with similar issues and problems and, most importantly we need to be there for each other, sharing the joys and the concerns.

For those of us who are confident and out-going and sure of themselves; this is not a problem. You probably have a wide circle of friends and a great support network. But for those of us who are more reserved, or who simply have gotten too busy to stay connected, we have to make an effort. Relationships take work and staying connected with other women can be a challenge in this hectic world. It is possible though and I'm finding that the rewards outweigh the effort. But where do you start as you look around at a small or non-existent circle of friends. How do you reconnect if you're an isolated stay-at-home mom or a new widow? There are many ways of enlarging your social network. The first step is to be ready to put yourself - your real self - out there and to be ready to deal with rejection and failure in your attempts to forge new relationships. Not everybody is going to be looking for what you're looking for. Like any process, connecting with others takes time.

Look at yourself first. What kind of person are you, what are your values, your interests. What kind of people do you want to surround yourself with? Once you answer those questions, get involved in something that brings you closer to women who are similar to you. But be open-minded. Sometimes you find friends in unexpected places. Are you a religious person? Get involved with a women's group at your church. Are you an avid reader? Join a book club through your local public library. Do you have a hobby? Talk more to the people who shop for supplies where you shop. Go to demonstrations or lectures or anywhere that you are likely to meet people who share your interests. Does most of your life center around your children? Look for women with children the same age, talk to the other moms at the playground, set up play dates. Are you stuck at home? The internet has a wealth of groups that you can participate in on-line. Search under women's groups or check out these links (www.cafemom.com, www.momjunction.com, www.ivillage.com,) Or get information on how to set up your own local women's group at www.Womens-Group.net. Whoever you are and whatever you're like, if you are open and honest about who you are, most women will respond in kind.

Connecting with other women is essential. We can laugh together, cry together and learn from each other. We all need, and deserve, this kind of connection in our lives and it is possible for all of us if we make the effort.

January 18, 2008

We all know that we are entitled to it, this pursuit of happiness, but what's it all about really? What does it mean to truly be happy and how do you know when you've achieved it? And why are we so obsessed with happiness anyway? Throughout the ages there has been discussion of the subject but, let's face it, our grandparents didn't spend much time worrying about whether or not they were truly happy, did they? Having a job, food on the table and a roof over your head was reason enough for happiness. So why this renewed emphasis?

"If we only wanted to be happy it would be easy, but we want to be happier than other people, which is almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are." Montesquieu

Thanks to a combination of Hollywood, the media and modern technology, we have more information than ever about how the other guy lives. This means more opportunities for comparing ourselves with others and, quite often, finding ourselves lacking. We've been led to believe that most people are better looking, more successful, wealthier and, of course, happier than we are. But is this really true? Does money or success or good looks lead to happiness. Research suggests not. A recent episode of 20/20 pointed out that the United States is the 23rd happiest nation on earth - even though we are the richest. Cold and damp Denmark came in first. Why? Apparently their government makes sure that all of their basic needs are met - food, shelter, health care etc. And the differences in income levels are slight with bankers, doctors and artists all earning comparable salaries. People there have fewer worries and the ability to follow their bliss when choosing an occupation. And when they compare themselves to others as we all do...there isn't much of a difference. So if you want to be happier, you could pick up and move to Denmark. But perhaps there are easier ways. The place to start is getting realistic about what you are trying to achieve. What is happiness anyway?

"The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment." Doug Larson

Happiness is not a huge smile plastered on your face 24/7. It isn't a never-ending feeling of joy and ecstasy. It turns out that when people say they are happy they are referring to an overall sense of contentment. Yes, they have their bad moments and a full range of emotion. They get angry, they have occasional regrets, they experience loss and grief like the rest of us. But it is how they handle their emotions and their general approach to life that makes the difference. Happy people fully experience their emotions, both positive and negative. What they don't do is: ruminate about the negative; personalize their defeats; or look at misfortune as being a permanent state of affairs that is pervasive, infecting all corners of their world. In other words, happy people are optimists. Now while it is true that most of us are born with a tendency toward optimism or pessimism - fear not, fellow pessimists, there is hope.

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be" Abe Lincoln

Yep. Happiness is a choice and if you won't take Abe's advice, take Martin Seligman's. Dr. Seligman is the head of the Positive Psychology Center at the University of Pennsylvania. According to Dr. Seligman, we all have a set range for potential happiness, but we can do something about where in this range we fall. In other words, we can learn to think more optimistically if we put our minds to the task and thinking more optimistically leads to landing in the higher end of our individual, potential happiness range.

So, are you content? Are you a born optimist? (Don't know? Find out here for free: www.AuthenticHappiness.com ) Do you naturally attribute your successes to you own efforts and failures to circumstance? Do you have realistic expectations about happiness? Do you see setbacks as temporary and the glass as half-full? Or, are you the type to dwell on mistakes and failures, to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong and attribute your rare surceases to dumb-luck? Do you think that you've screwed up your life in every way and it will never get any better? If you find yourself thinking, "Oh yeah, that's me...what a loser!", check out the Recommended Reading and Helpful links under RESOURCES in the sidebar. There are some great books and some interesting web sites out there. Take a peek; you just might find happiness after all!