So, this is a thing, apparently: wedding photos where the bridal party pulls up their dresses to show off their butts. Some people might say “NO NO NO NO” or “This is the least wedding-thing imaginable,” but let’s not rush to judgment here, folks. A wedding doesn’t have to be what YOU think is tasteful or appropriate; it should be a celebration that fits the two people starting their lives together. A rustic, picture-perfect wedding at a Napa winery wouldn’t have been right for Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson; an impromptu bikini ceremony was the right call for them.

There are Green Bay Packers-themed weddings for hefty Wisconsinites, and there are probably weird sci-fi themed weddings for people with neckbeards, though I’m not particularly interested in verifying that with a Google search. And just as sports fanatics and geeks can find love, so too can sluts. So let the bride and her slutty bridesmaids flash their asses. This is who they are. This is the wedding they dreamed of, and it’s the wedding that works for them.

And honestly? Any wedding where the bridal party is down for this photo is a ton of fun. A drunken train wreck, yes. Classy? No. But fun. As a wedding guest, you could do a lot worse.

On to your emails:

Hello Football Friends, Fantasy First: I’ve been in charge of our league that’s roughly five years old and is made up most of people from college as a way for us to stay in touch. The last couple years has been nothing but complaining from people about the cost to get in, people not paying dues, rules, etc. and I getting tired of fielding all the complaints, and kind of want to pass on commissioner duties to someone else. But I know if I step down, nobody will step in and do all the things that need to be done so the league can happen. Basically if I step down, the league will probably die, and I don’t want that, because it really is the only way I keep in touch with some people. What’s the best way to handle the complainers/money issues without having to be a dick or having to step down?

Ugh, I can’t stand people who voluntarily join a fantasy league and then whine about the settings. YOU’RE ADULTS, goddammit. Don’t be a whiny baby about your pretend football league.

In your case, Mr. Commissioner, think of yourself as a no-nonsense father, and your league mates as annoying children. That means no add/drops or roster adjustments for anyone who hasn’t paid. Complaints will be addressed with “Sorry, those are the rules.” — nothing more or less. You are Gruff Dad, and you don’t have time for bullshit. You have a newspaper to read while smoking Lucky Strikes at the kitchen table.

Sex/Dating: I’m 26, and really shy and not a big fan of the bar scene. After having no luck meeting women in real life I’ve taken to online dating and had OK results in the early going. I have three girls who I’ve met on there, and am yet to meet in person, but have had great conversations with them and exchanged numbers/facebook info. My question is this, is there some sort of protocol for this? Like, should I only focus on one of the girls, or am I allowed to keep talking to all of them and at least go on a first date with each of them before starting to narrow it down? And should I let them know that there are other girls I am talking with? I don’t want to be a creep who’s trying to date multiple women at the same time, but I also don’t want to shut anything off if nothing has happened with the others yet. Thanks for any help you can provide. -Oblivious Onliner

It’s generally understood among people who use online dating that everyone is seeing other people, so no: you don’t have to narrow down your choices or disclose that you have other dates scheduled. The line for creepy/shady behavior is sex: you can meet and woo all the women you like, but carrying on sexually with more than one is poor form.

Actually, let me write that in all caps: DO NOT JUGGLE SEX PARTNERS. If you’re in the early stages of dating someone — beyond the first couple of dates and into sex — then they deserve your full attention. Dating someone new should be exciting and enchanting; you shouldn’t be thinking about the other person (or people) you can have sex with tomorrow or later this week. (Or, worse, you shouldn’t be worrying about your date finding out that you’re sleeping with someone else.) Give that one person a fair shake to win your heart.

(Note: this doesn’t apply to people who have a nice, casual booty call on retainer. You both have needs, man.)

**********

Matt, I have recently decided, at age 26, to go back to school to pursue a second Bachelors degree in a field that isn’t completely useless. What’s the best way to handle the social aspects of university this time around? I’m a bit older, but by no means am I ancient. How do I reach these kiiiids? Thanks, Chris

It really depends on what you want out of the experience. If all you want is to get your new degree and GTFO, then you can have an apartment off-campus and focus on schoolwork. I know plenty of engineering students who had no social life whatsoever in college, and I assume they make a lot more money than I do. But they also never did the Century Club, vomited, and passed out for 13 hours, so their lives are probably pretty empty.

Look, college students tend to be loud, boring shitheads who have learned just enough to think they know everything. If you want to be the cool older student on campus, fitting in may not be easy — not because it will be hard to be accepted, but because the bullshit of younger people will likely get annoying. That’s what beer is for. Buy it, and share it only with cute girls and people who listen to the wisdom you gained living out in the real world.

P.S. If you want to hang out with students your age, seek out veterans on the G.I. Bill. They tend to be loyal people with good stories.

**********

Dear KSK, My girlfriend has been living in England since September doing a one year masters. We started dating in early August, so our entire relationship has been long-distance, basically.

At the end of July, she’ll be moving back to the US to look for a job and be with me. She’ll be staying with me while she hunts and looks to find a place (she’s not a US citizen, so she needs to find a job before she can rent a place.) Any advice on making sure this works? We’re starting to talk about long term plans/marriage (because gay people can do that now!) Signed, I Don’t Have A Clever Sign-Off

Moving in together after only one month of dating in the same city is certainly faster than I advocate, though I’ve heard the jokey stereotype that moving in after a month is the average pace for a lesbian couple. But that’s not a fair interpretation of your email. Your girlfriend’s circumstances certainly warrant a shared space, and it’s wise for her to find her own place once she gets a job. Even if she only sleeps there once or twice a week, that personal space is worth every penny in rent you’re not saving.

So, for a smooth and temporary cohabitation, you want your girlfriend to feel welcome and comfortable — but not so comfortable that she’s like, “Let’s just live together!” You want to give her enough room to unpack her suitcase, but not ALL of her belongings. (I’d suggest two drawers and a share of the closet, but I won’t pretend to know if she’s a clotheshorse or has a bee colony or whatever.)

Other than that, just enjoy being not-6000 miles apart while being cognizant that she should be forging her own identity in your city. Some of that will happen naturally as she navigates the city on her own looking for a job, but you should also encourage her to catch up with any other friends she has in the city. As awesome as you are, she’s going to need interpersonal contact with someone BESIDES you on a semi-regular basis, or she’ll go insane.

**********

Oh Captain my Captain, Fantasy first: I belong to a “dynasty” league, which is just a fancy way of saying we keep the majority of our roster over multiple years, much like a real NFL franchise.

Hi, I have been writing this sex and fantasy football mailbag for several years. I am familiar with dynasty leagues.

This means each year the draft is a race to pick up rookies that will make an impact, since all the decent players are already kept on a roster.

DO go on!

Of course, this results in taking flyers on guys with the hopes they can deliver immediately, and therefore you can keep them for years and years. This is all a long way of saying that my RB situation is less than ideal – I haven’t had a decent RB since Michael Turner a few years ago, and I have had no luck picking a rookie in the draft (Lacey was taken a pick before me last year). What are your thoughts on this year’s crop of rookie RBs? Anyone worth taking for this league, or should I keep trying to field a team with castoffs and second stringers at the RB position?

I’m hardly original in suggesting him, but the Titans’ Bishop Sankey looks like the best candidate for the Offensive Rookie of the Year right now. The Titans’ have invested heavily in their line, and the passing game is still a work in progress. He’s a talented, pro-ready back who will get plenty of carries.

If he’s not available, Terrance West would be my next choice — he’ll have the opportunity to win the Browns’ starting job ahead of the scrubs they rotated through last year. Jeremy Hill seems like an obvious choice to become the Bengals’ goal-line back, though it would take a Gio Bernard injury to get him a full workload. Ditto for Tre Mason, who’s talented but unlikely to see fantasy-worthy action behind Zac Stacy. Also, on the off chance no one hoarded him away last year, pick up Seattle’s Christine Michael. The buzz is that he’ll surpass Robert Turbin on the depth chart, and the Seahawks will give Marshawn Lynch a lighter workload this year.

Sex: I am not the type of guy who has had a lot of long-term relationships, and even my short-term ones are few and far between. This has resulted in long dry spells in the sex department. A few months ago, in the midst of yet another dry spell, I let my libido take over and arranged to see a “professional.” This wasn’t some hooker off the street, but it also wasn’t a really high-end escort either. I found some listings online, did all the research I could to make sure she was legit and not a crook or a cop, and went for it.

Pathetic as it sounds, the experience exceeded my expectations.

I mean, she IS a professional. Give her some credit.

Good for me, right? Well, now I find myself doing it on the regular. The cost keeps me relatively in check, but I am basically using the professionals as a way to cross things off my sexual bucket list. It has allowed me to sample all the various races, ages, and sexual experiences that I haven’t been able to without paying. I always play safe, use a fake name and burner phone, and don’t bring any more cash with me than I would be willing to spend (or lose, in the case of a robbery, which thankfully hasn’t happened yet). Fast forward to a few weeks ago – I meet this great girl, we get along great, blah blah blah, and wouldn’t you know, I found myself a girlfriend. Our sex life so far has been ok, but I find myself getting bored – the frequency is great, but I don’t get the variety I was before.

Yeah, no shit. That’s how dating one person works. You don’t get variety. You also don’t have to pay cash, use a burner, worry about getting robbed, or worry about whether she’s a cop.

I really like this girl, and our time together is great, but I think I ruined the sex part with my escort habit. I don’t want to cheat on this person, but I can’t keep the escort thoughts out of my head. What the hell is wrong with me? What do I do? It’s not like I can talk to her about it – that’s a sure ticket to dumpsville, right? I am hoping you can knock some sense into me.

Thanks, With a face like that, he’s gotta be paying for it

Whether you realize it or not, you’re facing a fundamental decision about the kind of person you want to be. I mean, we ALL do, every day, to a certain extent. We’re guided by law and social mores, which is why I haven’t taken a baseball bat and attacked the panhandling lady who sings off-key in the subway stop at Bryant Park. Like, I definitely don’t want to go to prison, but I also don’t want to be perceived as a violent psycho by my friends. It keeps me in check.

If you want to be the person who ends a relationship — or, worse, cheats on someone — to pay prostitutes for the sexual pu pu platter, that’s your right. At a carnal level, my angry little lizard brain can respect that decision. However, I’d posit that soliciting hookers is kind of like driving drunk as it pertains to the law: you’re absolutely terrified the first time you do it — but then you get away with it and think, “Well that was no big deal.” So you do it again, and again, and it becomes a habit to the point that you don’t consider it to be breaking the law. But if you do it over a long enough arc, something WILL go wrong. Maybe you get robbed and beaten. Maybe you get drugged and dumped somewhere. Or maybe you just get busted by vice cops. Then you lose your job because of it, and suddenly the guy who had trouble finding ANYONE to date him is The Guy Who Uses Hookers. “Ew, gross!” says every person who hears about your story before ever meeting you. “He probably has every STD!” says every girl who Googles you and sees your mug shot and police report.

So go ahead, bro. Keep rolling that dice for your stupid fucking “sexual bucket list,” as if that’s an accomplishment more valuable than loving and trusting another human. Hey, did things ever work out with that really nice girl? “No, but I did anal with hookers of three different races!” Your call.

@Sharkbait Oh, sure — right now it’s all finely toned asses and cowboy boots, but then you go and get married, and you walk into the bridal suite to see your new wife riding Warren Sapp. Perhaps I’ve said too much.

The bridesmaid I was working on all weekend ending up baby sitting her too drunk gay friend during prime “deal-closing” time. Yes, I got cock blocked by a gay dude. This is my life.

My only other option was my oldest sister’s best friend, who was aggressively hands-y and ~20 years my senior. Needless to say, I passed (mostly because my family was there and I didn’t want them to think I was a man whore, because otherwise……….. probably).

If we are being honest though, I would endeavor to pull any of those pork pies across the shag carpet and give them a night to regret. Of course I mean in the most respectful and mutually holistic sense.

Agreed. Even if Gore still gets a majority of the carries this year, I doubt he’ll be resigned for next year as he’s been a below average back for ~2 years now. Hyde should get the majority of the carries next year, especially if the offseason reports of Lattimore having lost some explosiveness are true.

I reached my Bike MS fundraiser ride goal today! The Kommentariat was HUGELY responsible for helping me get there SO DAMN FAST! So, with the power vested in me by some KOTW awards and that one time I got a +1 from Ape in a live blog, I hereby declare the following people to be THE BEST AROUND:

Well I missed your appeal for the fundraiser but as a Coloradan who has a sister with MS I highy support this ride. As you probably know Colorado has a significantly higher incidence of MS, especially amongst females, than the US population as a whole.

If you can link to the fundraiser site again I’ll be happy to add to your goal.

You are most definitely one of the BEST AROUND. Like, literally around me. And, as I’ve said before, first round’s on me, and with this, your burger/wings/whatever, too. Thank you.

@Kam Fong as Chin Ho

Yeah, it was buried in just a couple of posts, so it was easy to miss. Sorry to hear about your sister. I will add her to my list of those I ride for. Here’s the link: [main.nationalmssociety.org] and I thank you for any added support!

I just moved to a new town in April and have been doing very well with online dating. I have been juggling 3-4 women for a while. But they’re all aware of the situation, and are good with it. I don’t see what the problem is with that.

To the guy going back to school, I recommend deciding what you’re looking for from social interactions before you go. Are you just looking for people to hang out with and kill time between classes and such, or are you looking to bang some co-eds? If it’s the former I would suggest familiarizing yourself with Cards Against Humanity, as it’s the easiest way of making school friends I’ve ever seen, also it’s fun as hell. Some things to keep in mind for just finding friends are to remember that you’re (presumably) the “mature” one of the group so you’ll probably be expected to some degree to resolve arguments or ensure the youngins that drama tends to fade after you leave school (yes, it’s ok to lie on this front). Keep in mind that as the old man of the group you should also probably avoid any petty arguments.

If you’re looking to add some proverbial bedpost notches, be EXTREMELY careful. The last thing you need is to go to a party and have a nice night of debauchery only to wake up to find out that the girl you slept with wasn’t old enough to drink and in order to avoid getting into trouble on her end threw you under the bus. To be perfectly honest, I would probably avoid hooking up with girls at parties altogether (unless you can manage grad student parties).

FWIW, I recently took the plunge and went back to school myself (at a slightly older 29 years old), and didn’t find it to be as difficult socially as I was expecting.

Good rec on CAH. Fun as hell and it’ll tell you just who is on your wavelength real quick. Also, if you’ve learned how to cook/bake/make anything tasty in your kitchen, having people over for a some food and watching sports will get you pals on the regular real quick.

Good advice all around. I would also recommend finding a social place to live as well (apartments with open front porches/balconies), as this promotes being friendly with the neighbors. You’d be surprised how quickly your group of friends expands.

I got lucky in a similar fashion when I went back to school at 26. Some of my best friends now are people that were my neighbors initially.

@Oblivious Onliner, As a two year veteran of online sloot smashing, brah, heed my advice, DO JUGGLE SEX PARTNERS, so long as you are not an utter troglodyte, you will be the better for it as regards being a fag or “shyness”, never put sloots on a pedestal, and never let them know you are crushing other sloots on the side, as their fragile egos will be bruised, harden the fuck up brah, sloots from the net are notches on the belt, if they weren’t, they would not be on the net.

@I Don’t Have A Clever Sign-Off, brah….smh, pathetic, there are no such things as long distance relationships. Im too hung over to berate you brah, but just LOL at your beta behaviour being trapped by some overseas sloot after barely boning her.

@With a face like that, he’s gotta be paying for it, Congrats on realising the only difference between a sloot and a whore is your own self worth, with the fact you are paying directly to a whore rather then indirectly(for sex) as all brahs do with sloots. I dont know whether to slam you for paying or praise you for seeing that life is nothing but a business transaction. I too am afflicted by the stigma femisloots and religicunts have attached to whores as a means of controlling brahs, I’ll give you a pass on paying for whores as opposed to indirectly to sloots seeing as you are picking from a higher calibre then you could get IRL.*

I can see your quandary with regards to acquiring a vanilla sloot to have on the reg and potentially sire an offspring vs the inherent boredom that comes along with said vanilla sloot, every high test brah out there with a backbone wants to fuck loads of random sloots(or their male equivalent for homos), they dont, however, cheat, as that is a classless cowardly move. Dump the vanilla sloot and continue slaying/paying for anal until you feel the need to get with another vanilla sloot, dont worry there are plenty of vanilla sloots as there are plenty of whores, after all, sloots gonna sloot and whores gonna whore, dont put them on a pedestal.

*And the price you pay is not over what a dinner/drinks for a sloot would cost, if it is….

@Kam Fong as Chin Ho – Agreed. As long as everyone is aware there are others, no harm done, but hiding it is akin to cheating. He should go find another girl if one doesn’t like the fact he’s banging multiples.

@Electric Mayhem @Kam Fong as Chin Ho , I was tired/hungover, my mistake, change brah for brahette and boning for scissoring and the advice is the same, how can you maintain you were in a relationship when you have only actually been with the person for one month and are already thinking of marriage…smh…I’m a romantic brah but this is stoneheaded stuff, brahette needs to chill and tone it down a notch and wait and see how this all pans out, new move/job and actually living with this sloot full time will change her perspective, a dose of realism would soften any future blow, if/when there is one.

@Balls of Steel, brah, he is not in a relationship with any of the sloots, if he was, you would be 100% correct, but they are sex partners, not gf’s, if they are under the impression they are in a relationship, of course aware them that they aren’t, but from the tone of his letter, it seems like standard internet pussy imo, no strings, with the option to go further.

One aspect that we are missing is that is not just pulling up the dresses, it’s wearing weird ass shoes while doing it. CC tweeted another picture with the article link and in that one they were all wearing fuzzy slippers. This one has cowboy boots. WTF?

Terrible, pontificating advice across the board. Onçe upon a time this blog was funny, clever, acerbic… until the talent left to get real jobs. The current group of mopes rates doritos and couldn’t produce a good parody if its “writers'” lives depended on it.

A lithmus test: reply to this with the three funniest posts of the past six months. I bet one is decent and the other two kinda suck.

I too am outraged. I demand that my free content be 100% funny, clever, and acerbic. Consider this a shot across the bow Ape, PFT, Sarah, et al.

I will no longer provide clicks for mildly amusing, somewhat inventive, or outright superfluous content. In fact, if this comment is even considered for KotW I will ragequit this blog as a sign of solidarity with WBMD.

I’m still waiting for the funny posts. This blog has gone from a “humorous satirical blog about the NFL” to “mildly amusing”.

I notice no one disagreed with my opinion that the content – free or not – blows compared to its past. (I already mentioned the doritos bullshit… And “this week in ‘fuck you!'” Is Lebron James? Sooooo inspired…. Soooooo imaginative…. Soooooo NBA. Wait!!!! isn’t this the NFL humor blog that slams Peter King for writing about coffee and baseball… BUT IT DEDICATES AND ENTIRE DAY’S POST TO DORITOS AND AN NBA SUPERSTAR?

Time to fold-up tent. I bet Uproxx management is looking at the page views and having the same conversations.

To me, and humor is objective you fucking ignorant cunt, there is still quite a bit of funny posts and posts that provoke the humor stylings of the Kommentariot. The things that I miss are some of the characters, Rex Ryan, Marmalard, etc., but those are much more prevalent during the season. Here’s a suggestion; don’t waste your valuable time with whiny ass, little girl, nostalgic bitching and don’t visit the site anymore.

Enlighten us, oh wise @WellBlowMeDown. Where I stand, Uff has been doing the sex and fantasy mailbag for six years, and you are a condescending asshole whose sole contribution to the mailbag was literally just pissing me off for trying to ID your Brazilian porn star.

The fact that this dude has been a member for literally one NFL season and is bitching about the lack of writing on the NFL during the slowest time of the NFL offseason is fucking so ignorant.

I mean I’ve been a member for like 4 months, but I’m closing in on 100 komments, hit my first all star appearance (KOTW), and am thoroughly enjoying integrating into this community. Sack the fuck up, read the komments, and give us something funny you complaining pussy.

I think there should be a “This Weekend in Fuck You: WellBlowMeDown”. Then again everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. Your opinion just happens to be shitty.

@With a face like that, he’s gotta be paying for it: You gotta stop seeing Sp’s as it sounds like you’re on the verge of becoming addicted to a point where you’ll be living in a cardboard box to get your next fix.

You can do one of 2 things:

1) If she doesn’t satisfy you sexually, why not propose to do certain things? If she’s not cool with things (within reason), it’s probably best for you to cut your ties. It might just be a case of her not being good in bed.

2) If you like the girl and she says no to your suggestions, coyly ask her thoughts about an open relationship. If she’s cool with being in an open relationship, play ball.

Though, you sound like you need to cleanse yourself from seeing hookers. Remember, they’re paid to make you think you’re having mind blowing sex. It’s not real

Yeah. He totally needs to decide on just how sexually compatible the two of them are–he might be rather kinky, she might not be, but there are a lot of ways to meet kinky women these days–and figure out if that’s enough when weighed in balance with how fun/great she is out of bed as well. There are always trade offs, and a wide-ranging sex-life is not always something that comes standard.

@Otto Man Mystique from X-Men would be the best wife material ever. Literally ANYONE you wanted to bang you could. Plus you know with those self-esteem issues she’d be a freak. And if you’re super freaky like bag face guy or whatever, you could bone a blue chick. If that doesn’t get your weird fetish try everything self off I don’t know what will.

@otto man: Mystique would be awesome to date. The amount of money she must save on buying clothes,lingerie, purses and shoes means that money can go somewhere else. Plus the new Mystique defaults to Jennifer Lawrence, which isn’t too bad either.

“Do you promise to love this booty, in sickness and in health, to uh, double up, uh uh, until the break of dawn?”
“I do.”
“And do you promise to have and to hold, to keep up the squats, to do sidebends or situps but not lose that butt?”
“I do.”
“Do you wanna ride in my mercedes?”
“Hell yeah, I do.”
“Then I now pronounce you Baby and Got Back. You may now get freaky with that booty.”

Toughen up, chief. Without rules, there is anarchy, and anarchy is for delusional trust fund babies to daydream about while getting their MFAs. If FF is the only way you keep in touch with those people, it is not a loss if you lose touch with a bunch of cocksucking whiner bastards.

Life is too short to deal with bastards provided you aren’t being compensated for the displeasure, or the pleasure is in getting to treat them like the pieces of shit they are. You have two choices: Become the Ginger Hammer of your league, or abandon ship and find some actual adults to play FF with. There is no third way.

That all said, while I think OO should abandon them like an illegitimate child, I know he won’t because he’s a giant soppy gash.

Basically if I step down, the league will probably die, and I don’t want that, because it really is the only way I keep in touch with some people.

Stop acting so fucking put-upon. You’re a FF commissioner, not a convenience store manager. “It’s the only way …” except as mentioned already the infinite other media that exists for people to stay connected to others. I’ve said it before, 99% of these aren’t looking for advice; they’re looking for validation. Well, you’re shit out of luck.

This is why I know laying the hammer down won’t work. At the first sign of resistance, OO will fold like a piece of paper.

@Martin If it wasn’t for your anti-Nozick sentiments in the first paragraph, I’d have thought it was Rill. That being said, you spoke the truth while laying the motherfucking hammer down on him Super-Mutant style.

Most students in college graduate in 6+ years, not ≤4. At 26, you’re not going to be much older than a lot of upperclassmen. It’s not like you have to live with 17-18 year old shitheels, so calm down and stop acting like you’re Scott Bakula becoming a first-time freshman in his late 30s with your Samoan center as your doting roommate.

Outside grad students, there are plenty of older undergraduate students as well. Depending on where you’re going to school, there may be one or more organizations for “non-traditional” students like yourself. Otherwise, Jesus Christ man, how else do you make friends? Associate with people you share interests with, classmates, and other people you run into. Don’t like someone? Don’t hang around them. It’s not brain surgery.