Sunday, January 14, 2018

Damn, you're funny. How
do I know that you're funny? Because you made yourself laugh. Out loud. I
think I'm pretty funny but I usually just make myself snicker after saying something hilarious. You, however, had the
ability to text me something which was fairly unfunny but made you LAUGH OUT
LOUD. How do I know you were laughing out loud? Because you told me. Your mild
comment was followed by the letters L, O, then a second L.

Honestly, I'm surprised
you were capable of sending the message at all. When I laugh out loud, it's
uncontrollable and I'm often unable to do much of anything else. But you-
you're special. You had the uncanny skill to think of something which made you
laugh out loud, type into your phone the thing which made you laugh out loud,
then inform me at the end that you were laughing out loud, all the while
laughing out loud.

You are so fucking
comical it hurts.

Your hilarious comment
is going to revolutionize comedy. Speaking of, you should really try stand-up. I
bet you're the funniest person in your cubicle. Go to an open mic night and
spew out your insufferably humorous jokes. Make sure your co-workers go because
they all think your office antics are unmatchable. Except Nancy, but she just
doesn't have a good sense of humor, right? Wrong.

If your parents can't
attend the open mic night, make sure it gets recorded so you can show them just
how funny you are. They are sure to hate how much money they wasted on your poli-sci degree when they could've just
sent you to clown college. That'll make up for them telling you Goldie moved to
London when they actually flushed him down the toilet.

During your routine, I assume
you'll be laughing out loud after each joke you tell, because they will all be
extremely funny. I hope you're able to tell more than one. Your first joke is
sure to be a whopper so I wouldn't be
surprised if you tell it then laugh out
loud for the remaining five minutes.

Come to think of it- You
already have that first joke written! Simply throw in some context, read the
message you sent to me, and the audience will be in stitches. Stitches, I tell
you. Your radical bon mot will cause
people to skip surgery and go right to the stitches. It is going to slay your
audience figuratively, literally, and geologically.

You're very funny.

I can't believe you've
been so witty this whole time I've known you. Sure, we've had plenty of laughs,
but I always took them for granted. In person, you laugh at amusing things,
such as me. But with the written word, you've expanded the borders of The Funny
Zone. You are able to laugh, out loud,
at something which isn't remotely entertaining. If Benjamin Franklin possessed
the talent you've got, he would've done something useful for mankind.

You are the Benjamin
Franklin of comedy. The U.S. Mint should destroy all current $100 bills and
replace them with ones that not only have your image on them, but the amazingly
hilarious text you sent to me. My only fear is that people would receive the
bills and die from excessive laughter. Have you ever seen that Monty Python
sketch about the funniest joke ever told? Of course you've seen it. That was
probably the inspiration for your incredible remark, and you somehow managed to
outdo Monty Python. That's impressive.

Thank you so much for
sharing your uncanny gift with me and the world in general. I've locked your
message so that it will never be deleted, along with every uproarious meme
you've ever sent me which you didn't create but would've if you had the time in
your busy schedule.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Every time we travel, some friends and I bring along a little notepad to write down ridiculous things that get said. I present them here without citations and context. This is the fourth installment. If you'd like to read the first three, search this blog for Muyaht, Neuyaht, and Ooyaht. Enjoy!

Slovenian men have a real hard time crapping... and they mumble to themselves while doing so.

Attack of the Asian Tourists: Part Two!!! Ljubljana.

I see. He was a crapping bum. Not representative of the average Slovenian.

Pooyaht, pfft. I can't wait until Armyaht.

Dennis the monk from Ljubljana. A good guy.

It was peaceful here. And then Italians came.

So many people are telling us on the walls what to think and do.

Gross slob to my left. Indian man punching is leg to my right. Everything is normal.

Nice flight... but everyone has hemorrhoid farts.

Why do the Irish still have that accent? The air? Because the buildings are small? I know there's an intelligent answer but... maybe it's because they have so many sheep.

Being in an 800-year-old church is cool. Being in an 80-year-old bar is cooler.

Yup. After 12 years of analysis, old fat American white women are horrible.

Vienna is the best airport to crap in. Privacy. Big stall. A hanger for your coat. A hanger for your bag. Plenty of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Now it smells like giant poop and shit on this plane.

How is it possible to keep the happy-go-lucky traveler's mindset once going back home when you're surrounded by morons!?! They announced it'd be a 7-hour flight when we got on the plane. Now, about 3 hours into the flight these old fucks are shocked there's 4 hours left. What part of the booking, traveling, checking in, going through security, and boarding did they miss? FUUUUUCK!!!

2 hours and 20 minutes left of the flight. I will try to fill the remaining pages of Pooyaht.

Wednesday, October 04, 2017

There is a guy named
Stew, like the food only much more annoying and probably less-tasty. Stew has
the rare condition of being completely allergic to shutting the hell up. Stew
went to the Podiatrist. Stew didn't want to go to the Podiatrist. But Stew's
foot was cracking and his regular doctor suggested going to the Podiatrist. So
Stew went to the Podiatrist. And there was quiet in the land. Then Stew
returned to tell me all about the Podiatrist.

This happened within a
few hours of my meeting Stew. I hate Stew. Not only does Stew constantly speak
but he'll blurt out uninteresting things simply to ignite more speaking. His
father has to stop drinking for a month. He doesn't understand why there aren't
stricter gun laws. He ate portabella fries the other day. Oh yeah, Stew is a
hipster extraordinaire. Stew is inadvertently condescending. (You know what
that word means, right?) And Stew is very politically-correct because he
doesn't want to offend anyone.

Stew told me a story
about a guy who said "the K word" on TV. Stew whispered "the K
word" after looking around to make sure no one else could hear it in a
setting with very few people, none of whom would've been offended.

Kike was the K word
this guy had uttered which Stew could not bring himself to say. Certainly not a
pleasant word but one which should only be taken sorely if it's yelled in a
mean way. (However, some would say it's only a word so get over it.)

On my train ride home, I
realized I had missed a grand opportunity. My response to Stew's whisper
should've been, 'What K word?' I should've made him say it just to watch the
discomfort on his Stew-pid face. Then I should've asked what the word meant,
after which I should've explained that when Jewish people entered America after
some distasteful incidents throughout Europe, many of them could not write
their names in English on the entry forms. Instead, they drew a circle. The
Yiddish word for 'circle' is 'keikl' [kike-uhl]. So the agents referred to them
as Kikes. See? Not offensive. (And yes, I just quoted my own blog.)

However, none of this
happened. In the time it would have taken me to say that, Stew rambled about new
video games and every quirky cartoon on YouTube, so I'd have to wait until next
time.

Next time came around
and Stew was still relentlessly speaking, which I assumed was just a run-on
sentence continued from the week before. At one point, Stew was ranting about
Lenny Kravitz for some ungodly reason. Stew mentioned that Lenny is half-black
and half-Jewish. I had him. It was time to play dumb-but-ultimately-smarter.

"How can someone
be half-Jewish?" I asked. I also wondered which half of the Torah Lenny
believed. Stew said that Judaism is both a religion and a nationality. I told
him it was not, as this blog by a Rabbi confirms. He gave several more replies,
each of which garnered "But how can you be half of a religion?" from
me. Then, finally, he shut up. Two entire minutes went by without Stew saying a
word. I had beaten Hipster Stew.

The phrase
'half-Jewish' is unique, too. I've never heard anyone referred to as
half-Buddhist or half-Pastafarian. So why does half-Jewish happen? (If you're
still wondering, now would be a good time to read that blog by the Rabbi.)

As for Stew, I expect
that the next time I have to put up with him he will talk endlessly about
things which are only of interest to himself. But now I know the monster can be
defeated. You can beat your monster, too. (That was not intended to sound
sexual.) So get out there and destroy the beast that bothers you most. You'll
feel good. I promise.

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

The 2017-18 NFL season
is upon us. If you're like me, you think football has become excruciatingly
boring. If you're also like me, you still watch it because it's supposed to be
fun but rarely delivers. I've always been a Raiders fan and even though this
season is actually looking good for them, I couldn't be less-excited. Am I
ready for some football? I guess so. Or something. Whatever.

So I've decided to have
my own fun with the season. While experts are throwing around scenarios and
statistics, what I'm bringing to you is an alternate kind of prediction. I will
be determining winners based solely on the team names rather than record or
skill or facts of any kind. I'm gonna use real and made-up events to give you
hilarious reasons for my predictions.

Spoiler alert- the
Browns and Bills will probably have a tough run while the Vikings will likely
be predicted to win all of their games because Vikings are awesome. Also, I
will be throwing in an upset every week just to make things more interesting.
Think a bear would destroy a cardinal? Not necessarily. Anything can happen in
the realm of made-up nonsense based on gobbledygook because football is
ultimately stupid.

Each Thursday and weekend, I'll post my record along with those of my good friend Mike Celuch (a knowledgeable football fan) and all but one of ESPN's panel of "experts". MC and I originally were pitted against Trey Wingo, who is stupid and horrible for the following reasons- 1) He went to Baylor, 2) His son's name is Chappy, and 3) He decided to screw all of this up and not submit picks for week 6 because he was too busy being stupid. I hate his stupid face.So every week I post my predictions then get those of Mike Celuch. After the games (obviously), I tally our wins then calculate (using a calculator) the average wins of ESPN's nine "experts" who are not named stupid horrible Trey Wingo. Because most numbers aren't cleanly divisible by 9, I round up, down, or use .5 accordingly. Keep in mind that Mike Celuch and I do this for free while ESPN's crew gets paid probably a lot of money to make these predictions which are really just guesses.Let's see how things turn out...And if you see Trey Wingo, punch his stupid face in half. Thanks.

Wins after 16 weeks

ESPN's NFL "experts": 155; Mike Celuch: 153; SpoolyGoo: 137

Never forget Trey Wingo's stupid rotten face and how he tried to sabotage this blog

Week 17

Packers vs. Lions

In Week 9, I
told you about a Packer who was loading a moving van in which a mysterious box
was loaded. Said box contained a Lion, which the police promptly shot,
resulting in an upset by the Packer. However, the Lion was only wounded, which
allowed him to counter my prediction and attain victory. Eight weeks later, the
Lion has fully healed and has a vicious plan to eat all Packers within some
kind of radius because Lions can't negotiate human measurements. As has worked
in so many cartoons, the Lion will disguise himself by wearing a Grouch Marx
mask. The Packers won't see it coming and no one in the area will be able to
move for several days at least.

Predicted winner: Lions

Bears vs. Vikings

I'm just gonna
paste my commentary from Week 5 for this one because it was perfect- This here
is an AWESOME matchup. Bears are huge and furry and scary while Vikings are…
huge and furry and scary. Bears have sharp claws and teeth; Vikings have sharp
axes and swords. These fierce tribes have had many battles in the cold
mountains. However, on top of being awesome, Vikings are humans who can
strategize and axes are better than stupid claws.

Predicted winner: Vikings

Texans vs. Colts

Again in Week 9,
you met a Colt from Texas (known as a Texlt) named Stool. A gaggle of Texans was able to shoot Stool
because his Texlt friends were getting castrated and couldn't defend him. Now
without dirty filthy sex on the mind, the castrated Texlts can get their
revenge. However, Texans still have lots of guns and statistically* guns have
beaten horses every time they've encountered each other.

Predicted winner: Texans

*maybe; look it up

Browns vs. Steelers

This battle took
place in Week 1, before the nonsense started. So here's some nonsense- A Steeler
named Gravy liked to wear Buster Brown shoes. Most people have heard of Buster
but aren't familiar with his ladyfriend, Mary Jane. MJ loved Buster but hated
that his shoes were more popular than hers. So she called Gravy to see what he
could do about it. Gravy had large feet which could not fit into a Mary Jane
shoe so he defended Buster Brown and personally told him that MJ was trying to
"get rid of him", as mobsters often say. Buster borrowed Steel beam
and beat Mary Jane to death with it. Then he was indebted to Gravy, who made
Buster buy him a nice salmon dinner.

Predicted winner: Steelers

Jets vs. Patriots

Week 6 presented
you with a Patriot who fell out of a Jet when he tried to leave his country. It
ended there. (It was one of the lazy, short predictions.) But the Patriot
survived the fall. He landed in a bouncy castle which was on a giant trampoline
which was on a gaggle of mattresses.
(Side note: Somebody build this and invite me over.) The structure was built
for the local Fair. The Patriots velocity easily slid him through the bouncy
castle and ripped the trampoline but the fluffy and delicious mattresses
withstood the force. The Patriot called his friend, who was still on the Jet,
and was also a Patriot. The two Patriots decided to express their anger at the
Jet by hijacking it. You or I would think this made little sense because the
second Patriot actually owned the Jet. But he hijacked it anyway. He killed the
pilot (who was not a Patriot) then landed the Jet himself on the pile of
mattresses next to the original Patriot. He boarded and they went to Edmonton
for some ice fishing. (And never-you-mind why someone with flight capability
would have a pilot on his Jet. Have you ever used Uber? Yeah, think about that
for a while…)

Predicted winner: Patriots

Redskins vs. Giants

My
"bye" during Week 12 had the Redskins winning the battle due to their
superior fighting skills. But did you know that it takes no less than 35 arrows
to kill a Giant? And there are only 27 Redskins.

Predicted winner: Giants

Cowboys vs. Eagles

Week 11's
match-up between these entities was pretty funny, but probably only to me. So
I'm gonna make fun of the Philadelphia accent. When a stranded Cowboy knocked
on a door in Philadelphia, the faaamily
inside was of course eating cheesesteaks. They were washing the sandwiches down
with wudder when the Cowboy entered.
The Philadelphians would only help the Cowboy if he went to Las Vegiss and brought them back some beggels. The Cowboy went to Vegas but
didn't return because the family was horrible. And so are the Iggles.

Predicted winner: Cowboys

PS- I know this totally-accurate account veers from my pattern of not
personalizing the predictions but I went 16 weeks without making fun of
Philadelphia so I earned this one. But Benjamin Franklin was a great man.

Jaguars vs. Titans

The prediction
of Week 2 was really stupid so here's this- When the Titans ruled Earth, they
claimed the highest spot on the food chain. This upset Jaguars everywhere
because they were the most-ferocious big cats of the time. (This happened
before lions and tigers were invented.) The ruling Jaguars convened a counsel to discuss the matter, but
instead of devising a plan to overthrow the Titans, they dined on peccaries and tapirs and talked about living in swamps. The food chain remain
Titans-Jaguars-Peccaries-Tapirs until tigers showed up and ruined everything.

Predicted winner: Titans

Bills vs. Dolphins

The Dolphins of
Week 15 were quite angry when others would refer to their beaks as Bills. It
was an admittedly weak prediction but not all gems are diamonds, right? (I
think diamonds are gems. If not, they should be.)

Predicted winner: Dolphins

Bengals vs. Ravens

In our first
week, I predicted the Ravens would win the battle because of their amazing
skill of zeroing-in on stripes to mutilate tigers. Of course I was correct, as
has been every* prediction I've made this year. But this week the Bengals will
get their revenge. They will eat Ravens then make their bodies see-through
except for the stripes so the birds will think they're in prison. Then they'll
die confused from starvation or stomach acid or something even more awesome.

Predicted winner: Bengals

*probably around half

Raiders vs. Chargers

In Week 6, I
told you about Thor- the mighty Norse god of thunder and lightning and all
things awesome. The rest of the prediction didn't make sense so here's this-
Sometimes by where I work, parking is limited. It's weird, however, because
there's always a row of spots which is largely empty. Said spots are reserved
for electric vehicles and each one is
equipped with a Charging station. This logically makes me very angry because I
need to park my car and why should I not be able to when there are open spots.
So one day, I decided to Raid the office of the electric Chargers company,
whose name I will make up right now. Charlie's Chargers is the name of the
company. Not very creative but I didn't name it (Charlie did) and alliteration
is always great. So I Raided Charlie's and took them for all they had after
giving them a healthy dose of whatfor.
(Someone even called me an upstart!!!)
I destroyed all of their electric Chargers except for one because maybe one day
I'll have an electric car and having a free Charger would be great. And I took
money and whatever else. The Chargers still prohibit me from parking in those
spots but I somehow feel that I won the battle. So there.

Predicted winner: Raiders

Cardinals vs. Seahawks

This one was
silly. In Week 10, you learned about imaginary Seahawks stealing the eggs of
magical Cardinals to play Seahawk Soccer, even though there were forcefields
around the Cardinals' nests. (Refer back to it if you want more.) The theft
(or, really, borrowing) often causes Cardinal panic and Cardinal heart attacks
before the egg is returned unharmed after a rousing match of Seahawk Soccer. To
prevent this from happening, one Cardinal decided to put a double forcefield around his nest. Seahawks are masters of getting
through one forcefield, but two!? Yeah, they have no problem with that either.

Predicted winner: Seahawks

49ers vs. Rams

This battle in
Week 3 resulted in a killer Oregon Trail reference as a Ram killed a guy whose
family had died. What a battle. This time around, the Ram is back in action,
taking down yet another 49er who's sifting for gold because it's more valuable
than not-gold for some reason. Jerry for 49er had found a large nugget of gold in his sifting pan.
Elated, Jerry ran around screaming like an idiot. The Ram watched this happen
from a perch and decided to act. He
scurried down the hill and ran full-speed into Jerry, who was breakdancing. The
Ram's hard head smashed into Jerry's stupid head with such force that it
inflated. A giant POOF was heard and Jerry's golden nugget was made into a
dopey casino. Thanks a lot, Jerry.

Predicted winner: Rams

Panthers vs. Falcons

Here's what
should've happened in Week 9- A Panther named Shpep was vacationing in
Mongolia, where a young hunter was using a Falcon to find game. Shpep ate the
hunter and the Falcon declared war on him. Reminded of The Myth Of Sisyphus,
the Falcon doomed Shpep to eternally clawing at him but never getting to him
because he was just out of reach. But
this couldn't have been eternity because it happened in real life. Panthers and
Falcons have similar life spans but Shpep was a little younger. The Falcon died
and fell to the ground, where Shpep ate him as his delicious final meal.

Predicted winner: Panthers

Chiefs vs. Broncos

Week 8's Chiefs
won their battle by uniting and spearing each other's Broncos after the beasts
decided to revolt. (Did anyone else read 'uniting' as 'urinating'?) The Chiefs
then smoked peace pipes and lived in harmony until another threat threatened them
in a threatening manner. This threat was another horde of Broncos, hell-bent on revenge. But the Chiefs still had
spears and masterful skills in spearology. So they won.

Predicted winner: Chiefs

Saints vs. Buccaneers

In Week 9, you
learned all about Saint Bucky, the Buccaneer whose own men threw him overboard
after helping orphans with bad diseases. They thought Bucky drowned- and he
nearly did- but that's not how he died. Distraught by their savior's predicament, a handful of orphans with
bad diseases jumped into the water. They brought Bucky to the surface but
unfortunately they were all lepers and their arms fell off. Bucky managed to
grab one of the falling arms but had to put it in his mouth to stay afloat. The elbow broke off and got
lodged in Bucky's esophagus. Saint Bucky choked to death on the elbow from a
leprous orphan's detached arm while treading water. And that's how his story
really ended.

Predicted winner: Buccaneers

Week 16

Colts vs. Ravens

It's a true fact
that Ravens enjoy taunting Colts. They fly just out-of-reach from their Colt
mouths, which are constantly chomping because it's also a true fact that Colts
enjoy eating birds. One day, a daredevil
Raven named Bibi decided to really test the local Colts. Bibi flew to the farm
and softly landed on a Colt's mouth while it was sleeping. The other Ravens
were mortified but Bibi remained calm. So calm, in fact, that he fell asleep.
The Colt woke up and quickly ate Bibi because your third true fact is that it
takes Ravens several minutes to fly after being awoken. Ravens have been sticking to the just-beyond-the-mouth
method of torture ever since.

Predicted winner: Colts

Vikings vs. Packers

You've all seen
Viking ships. They're long and awesome and usually have a skull or something
equally-terrifying at one end. But once, a ship was broken in half because
Jurgen the Viking drank too much mead
and snapped the ship over his knee because Vikings were extremely strong. This
left only one ship to carry the Vikings across the lake and into battle. So
twice as many Vikings had to Pack onto the remaining ship. If you've never been
on a fully-Packed ship with large hairy men before, it's not as comfortable as
it sounds. Jurgen was at the helm- his punishment for breaking the other ship. But,
as a Viking of honor (like every Viking), Jurgen took the position proudly and
led his men safely across the lake and into battle against whoever which they
obviously won.

Predicted winner: Vikings

Rams vs. Titans

Titty the Titan
and Rammy the Ram were unlikely friends. They liked to play Hopscotch and eat lasagna. One day, Titty cheated at
Hopscotch. He completely bypassed the number 3 or however one would cheat at
Hopscotch. Rammy saw the omission but kept it to himself. A week later, Rammy
and Titty were having a lovely lasagna feast. The wine was flowing
(nicely-chilled white wine; not gross red wine) and Rammy had his fill. The
liquid gave him the courage to call out Titty on his indiscretion. Titty denied
it and pointed out that Rammy had won the match anyway so it didn't matter if
he cheated or not. But it mattered to Rammy. He threw his wine glass, hitting
Titty directly in the Titan face. The bloody Titty calmly stood up and walked out
of the house. But it was his house and Rammy was still enraged so he headbutted everything in the kitchen
until it smashed to dust. Titty saw this through the window but simply let it
happen. You see, Titty knew he'd be very lonely without Rammy. He enjoyed
Hopscotch and lasagna so much that some broken possessions paled in comparison.
Rammy apologized the next day, Titty accepted, and they've been not-cheating at
Hopscotch and lasagna ever since.

Predicted winner: Rams

Bills vs. Patriots

I'm sure you all
remember three weeks ago when a gaggle
of Patriots killed Wolf Bill, who was a country-loving wolf. Well, his wolf
family was thrilled. Wolf Bill was the outcast. Black sheep, if you will. Or
black wolf. Wolf Bill was black, but that's not why his family hated him. Wolf
Bill wasn't accepted because he loved his wolf country too much. He talked about it for hours, even over Wolf Passover
Seder. Wolves are all Jewish but as this is clearly a Christian nation the true
Patriots don't like it. (Where the hell am I going with this?) The wolves
extended an invitation to the Patriots to celebrate Wolf Yom Kippur with them because they were so happy with Wolf Bill
being gone. But the Patriots felt they had nothing to atone for. Wolf Bill had
it coming. Wolf Yom Kippur came around and the Patriots did not show up. The
wolves were very mad but were too busy praying and being hungry to do anything
about it.

Predicted winner: Patriots

Browns vs. Bears

Brown Bears are
more ferocious than black Bears.

Predicted winner: Browns

Falcons vs. Saints

Saints commonly
live in Heaven- a place to which Falcons cannot soar to. (Yes, I did that on
purpose.) Saints plug at it day-to-day, doing Saint things, while Falcons
locate rodents and other game animals. I have no closing for this one.

Predicted winner: Falcons

Lions vs. Bengals

Like most large
cats, Bengals enjoy going to the circus. They laugh and clap as the Lions get
chairs shoved into their faces unless that only happens in cartoons. The Lions
rarely eat the tamers, which of course is unfortunate, and makes the Bengals.
See, Bengals only go to the circus because they hope people will get eaten even
though I just said they enjoy the chair business. But they root for the Lions! However,
when they must battle, the Bengals choose a mighty warrior from their ranks to
tame the Lion. And tame it he does. The biggest tiger is bigger than the
biggest Lion* and that's pretty awesome. So yeah, there's your answer.

Predicted winner: Bengals

*actual fact!!!

Buccaneers vs. Panthers

As Florida
natives (oh wait, that's hockey), Buccaneers and Panthers are natural enemies.
Panthers actually excel in the water, unlike Buccaneers, who are rubbish unless
on a ship. Panthers have the completely real and well-documented ability to
swim out to Buccaneer ships, climb up the sides, and eat the crew or beat them
at Cribbage. Amazing animals.

Predicted winner: Panthers

Dolphins vs. Chiefs

Remember the
commercial when the guy painted CHEFS instead of CHIEFS in the end zone? Me
neither. But there's a rumor going around* that the guy used to work at
SeaWorld. There are Dolphins in SeaWorld. Probably. Do you see where I'm going
with this? Me neither.

Predicted winner: Dolphins

*because I just made it up

Broncos vs. Redskins

Redskins were
the first people to tame Broncos*. Harnessing their strength and speed, they
would ride into battle against other Redskins on Broncos which they tamed. This
caused a conflict of interest and much bewilderment for the Broncos. During one
battle, Bronco Brendo made googly-eyes at Bronco Bettina. Smitten, Bettina
quickly flung the Redskin off her
back to swoon over the rippling Brendo, who did some flinging of his own. The flung Redskins battled while the
love-Broncos made Bronco Nice Time.

Predicted winner: Broncos

*maybe

Chargers vs. Jets

Lightning
Charges come from clouds*. Jets fly into clouds. This makes for some dicey
situations. One time, a Jet was on autopilot
when it approached a forming lightning bolt. It was a giant ball of fire with
electricity shooting everywhere because that's how I want to believe lightning
happens. The combination of cool air and extreme electric heat caused the
engines of the Jet to stop. This sent the Jet to the ground in a nosedive and tailspin, which made the lightning ball laugh. Yep, lightning can
laugh. To further prove its superiority, the lightning Charged toward Earth and
hit the ground just before the Jet did. The Jet blew into ten frillion pieces
while the Charge journeyed to the center of the Earth in search of iron ore,
which probably conducts electricity.

Predicted winner: Chargers

*another actual fact!!!

Jaguars vs. 49ers

Our band of
49ers has been through a lot this year. I don't remember what exactly but I
know they've been destroyed every week. (In this world, anyway.) Jaguars are
tough, and they have spots. People in
the 1800s hadn't evolved enough to see spots. The Jaguars knew this and planned
an ambush on our gold-seeking 49ers. They paid residents of a small town to
evacuate in the hopes that the 49ers would happen upon the town and stay there
for the night. It worked. With two Jaguars stationed in every house (in plain
sight), the Niners were pounced upon
while eating dinner. Each dining room looked like its own small massacre.
Oddly, the 49ers meal that night was Jaguar. But you know what? The Jaguars
were so savage that they ate the meat of their fallen comrades as well.
Absolute brutality.

Predicted winner: Jaguars

Seahawks vs. Cowboys

Seahawks, though
imaginary, enjoy removing ten-gallon
hats from the heads of Cowboys. This makes Cowboy furious until they look up to
watch Seahawks flying disjointedly because of strange wind currents or whatever
would happen when a bird would hold a large hat. But the point is that the
Seahawks stole the hats. Possession is 9/10 of the law. Looking silly is the
other tenth.

Predicted winner: Seahawks

Giants vs. Cardinals

Cardinals land
all over Giants like flies do on horses. Problem is, Giants don't have tails.

Predicted winner: Cardinals

Steelers vs. Texans

The Steel city
of Pittsburgh used to be in Texas*. Many Texans there became Steelers, but not
vice versa. Steelers from other states refused to become Texans, which made the
Texans quite angry. One guy- Tilly from Oklahoma- was approached by a gaggle of Texan Steelers to join their
ranks. Tilly could've been Sergeant Steel but was too proud to be from
not-Texas. So he revolted and was made an example of by being promptly beaten to
death with Steel broom handles. Tilly worked at a factory that made Steel broom
handles.

Predicted winner: Texans

*absolutely not an actual fact

Raiders vs. Eagles

Kehlsteinhaus,
known in Anglo as The Eagle's Nest, was a building frequented by Nazis. History
is unclear as to who first Raided the locale, but I have a theory- an osprey.
Eagles have been Raiding the nests of ospreys for millennia, causing much grief. One osprey, confused by the English
translation, appeared at the Nest. He was seeking eggs but found only Nazis and
heated floors (look it up). But the befuddled
osprey simply had to Raid, even a little bit. So he took a toaster, which was
there more for decoration than practical use. Then the Nazis lost the war. Good
job, osprey.

Predicted winner: Raiders

Week 15

Broncos vs. Colts

Horses, horses,
everywhere. Young ones have stamina; old ones have strength. (I mistyped that
as strangth. Could somebody make that
a thing? My street cred is less than credible.) Biscuit Bronco was Calamine
Colt's uncle. Biscuit was the fun uncle who always got too drunk at Bronco
Bashes. Calamine didn't understand what drunk was. (The joy of innocence.) One
day, Biscuit drank too much Bronco Brandy and knocked the dinner table over. Carrots
went everywhere. But there was lots of hay on the ground, and hay for the gay horses. Hungry, Calamine
went to a patch of hay to nosh on a fallen carrot. Enraged, Biscuit faced his
horse's ass toward Calamine and prepared to give him a swift kick to the
bootface. But he missed. You see, drunk Biscuit had little coordination, so he
booted the punchbowl, causing punch and glass to go all over Calamine's mom,
who was Biscuit's sister. Biscuit was mortified and has been sober since. And Calamine,
perhaps, learned a valuable lesson.

Predicted winner: Colts

Bears vs. LionsPhew- This
battle again. I barely got over the last one, whenever it happened and whatever
the result was and I'm pretty sure they've met before but I don't feel like
checking. So yeah, crazy stuff. Lots of claws and growling. Bears can climb
trees. Lions can as well but choose not to*. Have you ever had a bear pounce on you from a tree? It's not very
fun.Predicted winner: Bears
*I base this ecological knowledge on nothing.

Chargers vs. Chiefs"Chiefy
weefy woo", Charlie Charger used to say. Chief Chimney hated that
nickname. But he could never beat Charlie at badminton. Chimney would always
arrive at the birdie too late. It was
very frustrating, but Chief Chimney had a plan. It was to kidnap, torture and
kill Charlie Charger. (Didn't see that coming, did you? Neither did Charlie.)Predicted winner: Chiefs

Eagles vs. GiantsThere is a
supermarket chain called Giant Eagle which is wreaking havoc on this battle.
(Side note: Is havoc the only thing
which can be wreaked?) One day,
Jeff's local Giant Eagle market decided to split in half. Well, the owners
decided to split the business in half. A store consciously making the choice to
divide itself would be ridiculous and this blog wants nothing to do with being
ridiculous. So Jeff had a decision to make. He didn't know the exact contents
of the new stores Giant and Eagle but his favorite foods had always been more
toward the Giant side. Jeff made the bold choice to enter the Giant store and
was disappointed because the sides had been swapped completely. Jeff had bad
luck. Jeff sucks.Predicted winner: Giants

Bengals vs. VikingsA little-known
historical non-fact is that Vikings used to ride Bengals into battle with
Christians and Brits and whoever else. One time, a Viking was racing toward a British Christian, who
prayed that he would not get killed. The Christian God decided to answer that
prayer by giving the Bengal a heart attack. Unfortunately for the British
Christian, the Viking survived and chopped his head into nine pieces. I guess
the British Christian should've thought
along with praying. (I like this
one.)Predicted winner: Vikings

Ravens vs. BrownsMost Ravens are
black as the desert night but some are Brown, which causes dissention among
their ranks. Black Ravens see themselves as superior because they have great
numbers but Brown Ravens claim dominance because they are rarer. This debate inevitably led to the Grand Raven War of 1806,
which was six years before that other war whose name I can't remember. The
Brown Ravens were vastly outnumbered
but they had a secret weapon- former NFL fullback and real star of Mars
Attacks, Jim Brown. This was before he played football. Jim could defeat up to
17 Ravens at a time. Since it's well-known that black Ravens attack in groups
of 13 (the appropriate number for an unkindness),
Jim had no problem laying down some smack. This effort would turn out to be
fruitless though, because Brown Ravens eventually traded most of their Brown
feathers for black ones, except around their necks. And yes, there is a species
called Brown-necked Raven.Predicted winner: Browns

Cardinals vs. RedskinsThere is a
certain gaggle of Redskins who
worships small birds. Orioles, blue jays, sparrows, wrens- you name it. But
don't name Cardinals. These Redskins absolutely hate Cardinals. Not one member
would prefer worshipping a Cardinal over extreme torture. One day, as a joke, a
young Redskin hung a poster of a Cardinal in his tepee. (Yes, I spelled that correctly.) He laughed when his Uncle
Redskin entered and was aghast. How did Uncle Redskin respond to this laughter?
Why, with a sharp tomahawk to his nephew's face, that's how. This didn't kill
the nephew but mashed his face so badly that it actually looked like the
outline of a Cardinal. He was shunned from the gaggle and starved to death in a nearby valley because his hunting
skills were terrible.Predicted winner: Cardinals

Packers vs. PanthersA very nice guy
named Sturbah once volunteered to help a Panther move. The Panther had gotten a
new job across the state and needed some assistance Packing his belongings. So
Sturbah the Packer wrapped the Panther's finest wares in delicate bubble wrap
that was probably made in Saddle Brook, New Jersey. But while wrapping, Sturbah
accidentally popped one of the bubbles. It wouldn't have affected the security
of the good, but everybody knows that Panthers hate the sound of bubble wrap
popping. The unfortunate fate of Sturbah can only be described by these three
words- vile, pancreatic, and unnecessary.Predicted winner: Panthers

Jets vs. SaintsWhile floating
around Space or whatever, Saint Gilbert spotted a Jet flying below him. Curious
because he'd never seen one, he hovered down to investigate. (Saint Gilbert had
a very sheltered childhood followed by wrongful imprisonment, so flying was
never an option for him. However, he did many nice things for people while in
prison to earn his eventual Sainthood. But one of his mentees was a thug who
decided to shank him one day. Very
sad.) Saints can fly as fast as they want to Saint Gilbert faced the Jet
head-on. Terrified, the Jet pilot fired many missiles at Saint Gilbert but none
struck because Saints are non-tangible. The missiles hit a nearby commercial
airplane and everyone on board had a horrible experience.Predicted winner: Saints

Dolphins vs. BillsDolphins have
beaks, and that's an actual real but for-real real scientific fact. Or maybe
it's not scientific but just linguistic. Regardless, Dolphins do not have
Bills. They despise those who refer to their beaks as Bills. Bills are for
ducks, after all. And Dolphins are not ducks, no matter how hard they've tried.
And they have tried. Bills, Dolphins explain, are no good for scooping up fish. Beaks are prime
fish-scoopers. So there you have it.Predicted winner: Dolphins

Texans vs. JaguarsJaguars have
been banned in Texas for decades. Before that, a Jaguar ran for governor of
Texas. His competition was a guy named Mel. Mel's political stance favored tax
breaks and nice health care. The Jaguar, on the other hand, ran on a ticket
supporting having spots and swimming to eat turtles. Texans have always been
opposed to spots so Mel won this election in a landslide. Then he gave
everybody a gun.Predicted winner: Texans

Titans vs. 49ersThis week, our
friends the 49ers have a formidable task. They must use their sifting pans to defeat mythological
beings who once ruled Earth. Sifting pans are terrible weapons.Predicted winner: Titans

Patriots vs. SteelersThe local union
of Steel workers claimed to be the most Patriotic of them all. The local union
of Patriots claimed to use more Steel than anyone else. Their leaders- Patriot
Pete and Steeler Stu- wanted to settle this once and for all even though there
was nothing to settle because they claimed different things. Armed with only a
flag, Pete showed up to the battlefield. Stu, armed with a Steel pipe made
specifically for Patriot-pounding, broke the flagpole in half. Pete dove under his flag before it could
touch the ground. Stu laughed and simply walked away. (This one was really
stupid.)Predicted winner: Steelers

Cowboys vs. RaidersThe favorite
Raiding targets of Raiders are Cowboys. They always put up a good fight. During
one Raid, Cowboys' guns were a-blazin' while Raiders were a-Raidin'. It was
really noisy, which did not appeal to the mothers of the Cowboys. They
immediately stopped the battle with blowhorns which were louder than blazin'
guns. They immediately grounded their sons and permitted the Raiders to take
whatever they liked. Since they were no longer Raiding, the Raiders could only
call themselves Takers. They went away sad and empty-handed, which was the
Cowboys' mothers' plan all along.Predicted winner: Cowboys

Falcons vs. BuccaneersBefore
Buccaneers had parrots on their shoulders, Falcons roosted there. But Falcons
are much heavier than parrots. This weighed the Buccaneers down during their commandeering of other ships. When
Buccaneers relieved Falcons of their shoulder duty, the strong birds took jobs
flying around Medieval Times at great speed. I've been to Medieval Times and
the Falcon bit is no joke. The last time I saw a Buccaneer was at the beach. He
had a terrible sunburn.Predicted winner: Falcons

Week 14

Saints vs. Falcons

It's a fact that
before Saints become real Saints they must become angels. And angels can fly.
Falcons can also fly. This will be an air battle. Saints/Angels are translucent, which works to their
advantage. Falcons fly right through them! However, one Falcon named Tiara knows
how to win the day. He shall lure his opponent high up into the atmosphere. The
air up there (wasn't that a movie?) is very cold and we all know that cold air
makes translucent angels freeze and become tangible. The frozen angel will fall
to Earth and shatter before he thaws
even though it would probably burn up or something because the atmosphere is
awesome.

Predicted winner: Falcons

Packers vs. BrownsUPS drivers
(Browns) rely on Packers to load their vehicles. However, I tried twice to work
for UPS and both times got screwed over for what I see as no reason. F UPS in
the A.Predicted winner: Packers

Lions vs. BuccaneersLucky against
Bucky. One was a Lion; the other, a Buccaneer. But you're wrong- Lucky was the
Buc and Bucky the Lion. They tried to get along. They went to dinner. Where did
they go? A fancy place. But not too fancy. No cloth napkins or anything. Bucky
ordered the soup; Lucky the salad. But the main dish- They both wanted the
Cajun chicken. You wouldn't order the same thing as your friend, would you? No,
you're not a monster. So they had a duel. And Lucky won. (Who was Lucky again?)Predicted winner: Buccaneers

Raiders vs. ChiefsThis battle will
take place in underwear. Why!? I have no idea. But Chiefs generally wear the
equivalent to underwear anyway. Raiders? Why, they wear Raiding gear. And that's
no joke. Without Raiding gear, Raiders just ain't the same. Someone should
write a country song about that. Predicted winner: Chiefs

Vikings vs. PanthersVikings are so
great. I don't think I've not predicted them this year. And don't expect me to
start now.Predicted winner: Vikings

49ers vs. TexansOf course our
49ers had to journey through Texas on their trek down Californy way. The Texans
were a tough bunch and they did not take kindly to the likes of gold-seekers.
The Texans drew many guns and the 49ers were sadly underarmed. This was on February
the 14th, making it the real Saint
Valentine's Day Massacre, even though Valentine's Day as we know it came much
later. Not really but I thought it did and actual history screwed up my plan.
Then there was that other massacre. Bugs's boys had it coming. But still,
Valentine's Day is pointless and terrible and the Texans won the day I just
made up.Predicted winner: Texans

Colts vs. BillsHorses eat
onions. And if they don't, they do now. Bill was a good farmhand. A little slow
mentally and physically but a hard worker who loved milking cows. When the
Master Farmer switched Bill's position to Colt Handler, he didn't know what to
do. Bill hated onions and as we just found out, horses adore onions. The onion
breath of the very first Colt which Bill had to handle knocked him to the floor. Bill couldn't get up before he was
stomped or stamped to death by every other Colt in the Colt Paddock.Predicted winner: Colts

Bears vs. BengalsBengal Bob had a
counterpart named Bear Bob. These two naturally feuded in middle school and
beyond. Bear Bob was usually the aggressor but Bengal Bob had had enough. Had
had had. Ya know. One day, Bengal Bob planted a stash of oregano in Bear Bob's locker. The former told the
principal on the latter. But Bear Bob protested and demanded that the baggie be
tested. It was, and oregano was found instead of the marijuana which Bengal Bob
had intended the police to find. What a joke.Predicted winner: Bears

Cowboys vs. GiantsIMAGINE GIANT
COWBOYS.Predicted winner: Cowboys

Titans vs. CardinalsYa know how in
cartoons someone gets smashed on the head then birds fly around the person's
head while stunned? For Titans, Cardinals flew around their stunned heads. Two best-friend
Titans named Zack and Albert (Saved By The Bell reference right there) enjoyed
smashing each other on the head with Titan hammers. One day, to change things
up a bit, they ran headfirst into each other. There was a massive collision and
gaggles of Cardinals danced around
the stunned Titan heads. But Zack's stunned head had one more Cardinal going
around it than Albert's. This made Albert mad enough to smash Titan Zack into
the ground and bury him with the imaginary corpses of the dancing Cardinals.Predicted winner: Titans

Jets vs. BroncosZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
I woke up and the Broncos won.Predicted winner: Broncos

Redskins vs. ChargersRedskins would
often Charge at their opponents but when their Charging opponents would Charge
back at them, they would become frightened.Predicted winner: Chargers

Seahawks vs. JaguarsOsprey Oliver
desperately wanted to be recognized as a Seahawk. For some strange reason, the
committee in charge of assessing animals' species was founded and run by
Jaguars. The Jaguars heard Oliver's case but reminded him of the time he snatched a delicious prairie dog from
the very jowls of a Jaguar. Oliver's plea was denied with extreme prejudice.Predicted winner: Jaguars

Eagles vs. RamsI feel like a
lot of birds have landed on Rams' heads this year. This is a good thing. But
this week, the lander was a mighty
Eagle. Has an Eagle ever landed on your head? It's happened to me at least
twice and I can tell you I wouldn't describe it as comfortable. Now, my skull
may be as thick as a Ram's skull, but it's definitely not as tough. When an
Eagle lands on a Ram's head, his talons cannot quite penetrate the thick skin and difficult cranium of the Ram. The
Eagle will try. Oh, it will try. But talons are only so sharp. I don't know the
point of this and I'm fairly drunk right now so I'll just get on with it and
pick a winner.Predicted winner: Rams

Ravens vs. SteelersRavens' beaks
are so strong that they can poke through Steel. This upsets many Steelers, who
smash many Ravens with many Steel beams. One day, an unkindness (actual term) of Ravens decided to put an end to the Steelers'
abuse for good. They would use their own Steel against them. That unkindness grouped together to pick up
the mightiest Steel beam in the land. They flew the beam over the top of the
mightiest Steel plant in the land and let it drop, hitting said plant with the
mightiest force in the land. But Ravens don't know what weekends are and, as
this fabled tale took place on a Sunday, exactly zero Steelers were destroyed. Confused,
the unkindness of Ravens flew back to
their caves or whatever thinking they had won. But they hadn't.Predicted winner: Steelers

Patriots vs. DolphinsNo creature
loves living in the ocean more than the Dolphin. Dolphins often refer to
themselves as 'the Patriots of the sea'. But when they must battle land
Patriots, things get messy. Fins fly over here, arms over there, and a bounty of eyeballs collects in the
middle of it. Dolphins eat eyeballs for strength. Yes, even the eyeballs of
other Dolphins. This is an ability land Patriots do not have. For some reason
they prefer to not eat anyone eyeballs. Sucks for them.Predicted winner: Dolphins

Week 13

THURSDAY
11/30

Redskins vs. Cowboys

What happened
the last time these two did battle? I'm not gonna look it up because I don't
care. Doing this is exhausting. But hard work was never a concern for Cowboy
Kurt. An upstart Redskin named Flying
Fox never liked Cowboy Kurt, mostly because Cowboy begins with a C but Kurt
with a K. Flying Fox was a huge fan of alliteration. Cowboy Kurt- once more, a
fan of hard work- was repairing a fence. To let you in on a secret- Flying Fox
had broken the fence, hoping that Cowboy Kurt would be the one to fix it. Kurt
was vulnerable out in the open with only his broken fence. Flying Fox threw
darts at him. Darts are painful. But Cowboy Kurt had Cowboy-like reflexes, so
he grabbed each dart out of the air with his lasso and aimed them at Flying Fox, who was also vulnerable out in
the open but with no fence. Had he been a true fan of alliteration, Flying Fox
would've always had a Fence with him, or made a ForceField, or Flung Fearless
Frogs For Fatalities. But he didn't.

Predicted winner: Cowboys

SUNDAY
12/3

Vikings vs. FalconsFalcons can fly,
which is impressive even though it's not impressive because that's how Falcons
were built and they probably don't think flying is awesome. (What is a group of
Falcons called? A bazaar or tower.) I'm not impressed. The Vikings
were also not impressed. We all know that a group of Vikings is called an awesome. And that's awesome.Predicted winner: Vikings

Lions vs. RavensA Raven once
landed on a Lion's mane. The Lion did
not appreciate this. But no matter how much the Lion shook and wriggled, the
Raven remained. (Re-maned?) The Raven
got hungry and conveniently a bird that Ravens eat also landed on the Lion.
While the Raven was dining, the Lion used it to his advantage and slammed
himself into a tree. He broke his Lion back but the Raven was squashed. That's
how I want to go out.Predicted winner: Lions

Patriots vs. BillsUPSET- Bill
loved his country and a gaggle of
Patriots tried to recruit him because of it. But Bill did not love groups. Bill
was a lone wolf. Actually, Bill was an actual wolf. A common misconception is
that wolves are not aware of what countries are, but Wolf Bill knew all about
it. The Patriots, however, were very made that Wolf Bill did not want to join
their ranks. They set a trap in the woods to ensnare Wolf Bill, which worked. The Patriot leader declared Wolf
Bill a traitor and sentenced him to wolf death. It was a sad end for Wolf Bill.Predicted winner: Patriots

49ers vs. BearsPhew, our group
of 49ers is in for it this week. They showed up to a peaceful section of woods
to eat and sleep for the night. But do you know who already ate and slept in
that area? Yes, Bears. Large, hungry, violent Bears. While our 49ers were
heating soup over a fire, the Bears made their move. These vicious and sadistic
Bears started eating limbs, then torsos, then necks. There was never so much
blood anywhere in history. The Bears chewed through every inch of flesh the
49ers had. Blood. So much blood. Then the Bears hibernated. What a good meal.Predicted winner: Bears

Buccaneers vs. PackersI always liked
this match-up because they both come from Bays. Regardless, I was once Packing
my car for a lovely picnic when some Buccaneers showed up. They wanted plunder and booty but I only had ham
sandwiches. The Buccaneers were not happy about this. They told me that if I
could not provide an ample amount of treasure for them, they'd yo-ho-ho and
make me walk into traffic. So I performed a magic trick. I showed them the
culinary contents of my pic-a-nic basket then shut it. When I reopened it, a
golden glow shone from it. It was booty and the Buccaneers were thrilled,
amazed, and frightened. So frightened that they declared me a wizard and made
me walk into traffic.Predicted winner: Buccaneers

Colts vs. JaguarsJaggy was a hip
Jaguar. He was so hip that his nickname was a nickname for his entire species.
Jaggy always wanted to ride a horse but they were too big and intimidating.
Enter a Colt named Clebnar. Clebnar was small so Jaggy figured he could ride
him with ease. Jaggy mounted Clebnar but just ended up humping him all day.
Clebnar enjoyed this. They are still happily together.Predicted winner: Jaguars

Broncos vs. DolphinsBronco Biffy was
related to Clebnar the Colt. One thing that ran in their horse family was
enjoying getting humped. Dolphins are known to enjoy humping and Dolphin Dave
was no exception. Biffy went to the zoo and saw Dave in a tank. Their passionate
passion was immediate. Biffy climbed into the tank and enjoyed a vigorous
humping from Dolphin Dave. But their relationship didn't go as well as Jaggy
and Clebnar's. Dolphin Dave was emotionally abusive. He would constantly call
Biffy "Biggy", which gave him insecurity issues. Biffy overdosed on
horse tranquilizers because he was a horse. Sad.Predicted winner: Dolphins

Chiefs vs. JetsThe Jets from
West Side Story were very tough with their dance-fighting. A gaggle of Chiefs was once watching the
play even though all Chiefs hate musicals. They cheered wildly when head Jet
Riff was stabbed. Then they realized that Riff was the Jets' Chief and became
sad. The cast of the musical, however, did not take pity. They leapt off the
stage and began to dance-fight the Chiefs, who easily defeated them with their
superior battling skills.Predicted winner: Chiefs

Texans vs. TitansMike Celuch and
I will be attending this game so the Titans will win because we'll root root
root for the home team.Predicted winner: Titans

Browns vs. ChargersLast week's
all-star team of famous people whose last name is Brown failed to become
victorious because apparently the actual Browns are atrocious. Charging,
lightning, electricity, blah blah.Predicted winner: Chargers

Panthers vs. SaintsLike humans,
Panthers have taste buds. A section of those prefers holy things, which makes
them crave the flesh of Saints. They have the amazing ability to sniff out good
people who will become Saints one day. And they eat these people. But in doing
so, the people actually transfer to Sainthood and live a holly jolly afterlife
or whatever happens.Predicted winner: Saints

Rams vs. CardinalsCardinals are
nasty little red birds. They've developed various defense tactics, but none of
them can prevent death from the headbutt of a Ram.Predicted winner: Rams

Giants vs. RaidersGiants and
Raiders have been enemies since the early Raiders Raided the homes of many
Giants. The Raiders burned houses and stole goods
and sometimes kidnapped Giant women. Giantettes, as they prefer to be called. The
Raiders and Giantettes had many generations of Giant Raider children. They were
all hideous. The Giants killed them all then died off themselves because there
were no more Giantettes to mate with. And now you know.Predicted winner: Giants

Eagles vs. SeahawksJackalopes, like
Seahawks, aren't real animals. But if they both were, Eagles and Seahawks would
battle constantly to eat the Jackalopes. Who would win these battles thus
getting to eat more Jackalopes? Seahawks, of course.Predicted winner: Seahawks

MONDAY
12/4

Steelers vs. BengalsThere is a large
Bengal made out of Steel somewhere. It's very impressive but Steelers in the
town where the statue exists hate it. They've picketed but the mayor refuses to de-erect it. Sure,
that's a term. The Steelers think the statue's Steel could better be used for
construction. One day, they offered to build a nice Steel addition to the
mayor's house if he de-erected the statue. The mayor agreed and has been
enjoying his Steel Sun room ever since.Predicted winner: Steelers

Get it? Football? Turkey? Anyone???

Week 12 (no more byes)

THURSDAY
11/23

Vikings vs. Lions

(Of course this week starts with one I could've had massive fun with.)

Packers vs. SteelersPredicted
winner: Steelers, because Steel work is harder than Packing

MONDAY
11/27

Texans vs. RavensPredicted
winner: UPSET- Ravens, because a group of them is called an unkindness

Week 11 (4 teams on bye)

THURSDAY
11/16

Titans vs. Steelers

Titan Tim adored
playing with Steel. He would often make Steel origami because apparently Titans can bend Steel easily. But Titan
Tim was a hoarder. Over the years, he collected way more Steel than he could
ever fold into swans and turtles or whatever. The Steelers at the nearby Steel
factory had to come up with a plan to reclaim some Steel. So they came up with
a plan to reclaim some Steel. They sneaked
into Titan Tim's Titan house while he was Titan sleeping. There was Steel
everywhere because you'll remember that Titan Tim was a hoarder. Steel is heavy
but the Steelers were very strong. And they were clever. They took out a year's
supply of Steel and because Tim's house was such a mess, he didn't even notice
the next Titan morning.

Predicted winner: Steelers

SUNDAY
11/19

Buccaneers vs. DolphinsDuring one
classic battle of this ferocious Man v. Beast rivalry, hooks were a key factor.
Buccaneers- all of whom have hooks for hands- hoped to catch some Dolphins for
food. They used their hook hands to cast out lines with hooks at the end of
them. But these hooks magically all went into the Dolphins' blowholes. Don't worry, they were fine. In
fact, they used their might to change the direction of the Buccaneers' ship so
that it crashed violently into a nearby rock island. And this is where the
phrase 'By hook or by crook' comes from.*Predicted winner: Dolphins
*not remotely true

Lions vs. BearsFinally, this
match-up is happening, if it hasn't before. I don't pay attention. But this is
great. Two fierce predatory predators clawing and gnashing their way to the
victory line. Yes, this is a foot race. And Lions are faster. Also, this website confirms that Lions are better than Bears even though its result is a
Bear winning the battle. But that site has different rules and a different form
of English. For example, the line that sold me- 'Male African lion has the mane which makes him the King of all animals
in the jungle.'Predicted winner: Lions

Cardinals vs. TexansDidn't these two
already do battle? Impossible. But I remember something about a guy named Jeff…
Oh no, that was Cardinals vs. 49ers in Week 9. The Cardinals won that bout and
they'll win this one too.Predicted winner: Cardinals

Redskins vs. SaintsGrimacing Gerbil
wasn't the toughest Redskin but he was loyal to his tribe, which came under
attack from a vicious gaggle of thugs. While the other Redskins fought
valiantly, Grimacing Gerbil cried under his bed. While searching GG's house,
one thug heard the crying. He flipped the bed over and was ready to dispatch
Grimacing Gerbil but his gun backfired and shot the thug in the face because
that's what I think happens when a gun backfires. The thug's fall knocked over
a table, which was holding a candle. Grimacing Gerbil laughed so loudly that
the rest of the thugs entered his house out of curiosity, only to be burned
horribly by the fire caused by the candle. Grimacing Gerbil also perished in
the blaze, but his Redskin family assumed he had set the fire purposely to save
them and made him a Saint.Predicted winner: Saints

Jaguars vs. BrownsUPSET- Shouldn't
this actual game be terrible? Regardless, here are some of the people showing
up to my version of this battle- Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown, singers Chris
and Foxy Brown (no relation), Millie Bobby Brown (the weird girl from Stranger
Things), California Governor not Arnold Schwarzenegger but Jerry Brown, guy who
Frank Zappa made fun of Bobby Brown, woman who survived the Titanic's sinking
Molly Brown, and former NFL running back and show-stealer in Mars Attacks Jim
Brown. Not one of these people wishes to be eaten by a large spotted cat. But Jaguars
are sadists who enjoy eating prey that would rather not get eaten. They will
tear through the famous Browns until they get to Jim. If you've seen Mars
Attacks, you know how awesome he is. He is capable of fending off a gaggle of
Jaguars with his arms closed and eyes tied behind his back. Spend your Sunday
watching Mars Attacks instead of football. It's guaranteed to be excellent.Predicted winner: Browns

Ravens vs. PackersGame Of Thrones
fans know that Ravens are used to carry messages over long distances. They also
know that people on the show rarely Pack before moving because they're usually
running away from a crime at the last minute.Predicted winner: Ravens

Rams vs. VikingsThe Vikings'
fiercest foe since the Battle With The Bears, the Rams will be ready for this
one. Coming off a bye week or another opponent or whatever, they've been
training for this battle. The Ram School Of Fighting has taught them all the
swift moves to bring down a larger adversary. But these moves will have little
effect on Vikings, who scream and wield axes.Predicted winner: Vikings

Chiefs vs. GiantsRemmy the Giant
liked to wander onto lands that weren't his because he didn't have a large
property. One day, he wandered into Chief territory. The Chiefs were having a
Chief meeting when they heard and felt Remmy's Giant footsteps. Assuming Remmy
was hostile, the Chiefs prepared to defend their Grand Teepee. But Remmy only
wanted to play cards. He liked Rummy because it sounded like his name. The
Chiefs didn't know how to play Rummy so they tricked Remmy into playing a Chief
card game. Of course the Chiefs won but they gave Remmy all of his Giant money
back because they felt guilty about tricking him. Remmy went back to Giantland
and taught the other Giants how to play the Chief card game.Predicted winner: Chiefs

Bills vs. ChargersBill was a
bartender in an establishment which required a ten-dollar minimum for credit
card purchases. One night, many would-be Chargers came in for one beer and one
beer only. They refused to combine tabs to meet the minimum amount and insisted
on Charging one beer each. And there were 15 of them. Bartender Bill was
furious until someone suggested he Charge each card for $10 and keep the
remainder after the beer price as his tip. The generous Chargers had a
wonderful time, Bill got a lot of tip money, and there was no need to use the
shotgun behind the bar like how this story probably should've ended.Predicted winner: Bills

Bengals vs. BroncosA gaggle of
Bengals tried to sell their stripes to some Broncos, who accepted only to be
informed that they'd been fooled. I mean, how could an animal lose part of its
fur pattern? The Broncos demanded to find out. There was much torture and
squealing cat noises, but the Broncos did it. They successfully removed the
stripes of a Bengal. One of them wore the fur and danced to 'Goodbye Horses' by
Q Lazzarus. This was very surreal because that particular Bronco was actually
saying goodbye to his fellow horses. From then on, that Bronco identified as a
Bengal. And a fine Bengal he made.Predicted winner: Bengals

Patriots vs. RaidersApparently this battle
is happening in Mexico, which is confusing the hell out of the Patriots. They are
not loyal to Mexico but its neighbor to the north. How do they fight in a land
which is not theirs? Terribly, that's how. The Patriots will run through
emotions like women on a PMS Colony while many Raiders will come in to Raid
their belongings. The Raiders will gather booty
while the Patriots will half-defend their temporary home. They'll protest, then
submit; argue, then surrender; brawl, then do something similar to surrender
and submit. It'll be an ugly scene.Predicted winner: Raiders

Eagles vs. CowboysWeyerbacher
brews a beer called Dallas Sucks. This has probably made many Eagles fans boast
while Cowboys fans likely don't know nor care. But that's irrelevant. I'm here
to tell you about Skippy, the Eagle who hated Cowboys. No one knows why Skippy
hated Cowboys so much but everyone was aware of it. Skippy would see a Cowboy
doing Cowboy things then encourage his Eagle friends to watch as he soared above the ranch and dropped
rocks, hoping to hit the Cowboy who was doing Cowboy things. He was often
successful in landing a rock directly onto a Cowboy, splitting him in half
because that's what happens. The other Eagles didn't believe in Skippy's random
Cowboy murders but they were definitely impressed by his ability.Predicted winner: Eagles

MONDAY
11/20

Falcons vs. SeahawksReal bird vs.
fake bird.Predicted winner: Falcons

Week 10 (4 weeks on bye)

THURSDAY
11/9

Seahawks @ CardinalsCardinals are
renowned for their mighty and skillful nest-building. Certain magical Cardinals
are even able to build forcefields around their nests. These keep out predators such
as cats, squirrels, and owls that screech. But how do they fare against
imaginary birds? Sadly, not well. Seahawks have the uncanny ability to break
through real forcefields built by real Cardinals, even though that doesn't
happen at all. Seahawks don't eat Cardinal eggs but play soccer with them. This
may sound cruel but Seahawks Soccer is a very relaxed sport. They never kill
the not-quite-Cardinal (ooooooh, controversial) inside. So what happens is
this- A Seahawk will penetrate a Cardinal's nest's forcefield to steal an egg.
During a rousing game of Seahawk Soccer, the Cardinal parent will freak out but
not be able to escape its own forcefield because it didn't turn it off because
it's too busy freaking out. This freaking
often causes Cardinal heart attacks and the Seahawks are sad every time they go
to return their game egg to see its deceased parent. Typically, the Seahawk
will raise the Cardinal as its own in an attempt to end the Seahawks' status of
imaginary.Predicted winner: Seahawks

SUNDAY
11/12

Saints @ BillsBill has always
been a slovenly housekeeper. One day, a Mormon (Something Something About Late
Saints) came to his door. Bill let the Mormon in and listened the what he had
to say. Then he saw Bill's half-empty bottle of tequila. The Mormon ran away
screaming.Predicted winner: Bills

Packers @ BearsA moving company
employee (commonly known as a Packer) was given a wrong address to which
deliver to a truck to full of to goods. (I don't know what happened there,
either.) Instead of a fancy new duplex,
the Packer arrived at a cave filled with hibernating Bears. Not one to be
deterred, the Packer moved the furniture into the cave. He was almost done when
a Bear woke up. He roused his Bear friends and they feasted on the Packer at a
brand new dining table from some store that sells dining tables.Predicted winner: Bears

Browns @ LionsA driver for UPS
in Kenya had a tough route. One old villager refused to move out of the trees near
a popular Lions' hangout. But the villager adored
ordering things online. Mops, boxes of tissues, CD booklets to hold his
extensive collection of punk rock. The Brown for UPS had scary but usually
harmless success when he delivered packages. However, on morning, the Lions
were in heat. A Proud (smaller sect
of a Pride) of the randy felines circled the Brown. When one tried to mount
him, he dropped the package of new bicycle chains. The villager was furious and
beat the Brown to death with a mop while listening to Dead Kennedys. The Lions
then took turns humping the Brown's corpse but obviously could not reproduce
because he was human and dead. Silly Lions.Predicted winner: Lions

Steelers @ ColtsEverybody knows
that young horses are allergic to Steel.Predicted winner: Steelers

Chargers @ JaguarsI bet a skilled
rapper could make these words rhyme somehow. Anyway, Jerry the Jaguar was hanging
out in a tropical tree. He'd had a long day of hunting in water because Jaguars
can do that in real life and not just in my world of NFL nonsense. Earlier that
day, Jerry grabbed a fish which a nearby caiman
had its eyes on. The latter rounded up his caiman friends and led a Charge
toward the tree in which Jerry was relaxing. Obviously, Jerry saw this imminent attack but could not leave the
tree because it was surrounded. Caimans can't climb trees because they're
leathery and gross so Jerry waited until only the original caiman remained,
pounced on him from the tree, and ate him deliciously with his Jaguar friends.Predicted winner: Jaguars

Jets @ BuccaneersTo completely go
against the home-habitat advantage thing (told ya it wouldn't work), a gaggle
of Buccaneers thought, 'Hey, since we can overtake any ship on the water, why
wouldn't we be able to overtake a Jet in the sky. So they chartered one from
Miami to New Orleans because they don't like long flights and their outfits
would've gone over swimmingly at
Mardi Gras. But they were unaware that TSA regulations apply to chartered Jets
the same as commercial flights. They were not allowed to carry their swords,
hand hook things, or one-shot pistols. They could only sit back and enjoy their
flights to New Orleans, where they had a magical time and are now starring in
an all-Buccaneer revue where the ladies love earning their beads.Predicted winner: Jets

Bengals @ TitansWhen Bengals get
hungry, they get HUNGRY. And what better
meal is there than a Titan? One day, a gaggle of Bengals wandered into the
realm of the Titans. The Titans were so busy ruling Earth that they didn't
notice the large, striped cats. One Titan, Henry, was picking some Titan
vegetables for his Titan dinner. The lead Bengal, Bensonhurst, went over to
tell Henry how much he enjoyed vegetables and definitely not meat. Fairly unworldly,
Henry offered Bensonhurst some yellow peppers. Henry replied in true Hollywood
fashion with, "I've got a different offer for you". Henry's Bengal
friends had been gathering behind Bensonhurst. They pounced and ate him and
were full for three days. This is known in Bengal folklore as The Dinner After
Tricking Titan Henry. Bengals aren't very creative.Predicted winner: Bengals

Vikings @ RedskinsBoth natives in
their lands and big proponents of spears,
these factions never really quarreled until a young Viking named Blip sailed
into Redskin territory. Blip was foolish but sturdy and strong-willed. The Redskins
liked the furs Blip was wearing and offered to trade some of their own for
them. Blip wasn't much of a trader so he screamed, slaughtered the Redskins,
and stole their furs. He and his family were very warm for years to come.Predicted winner: Vikings

Texans @ RamsTexans have guns
and that's tough but Rams' skulls and horns are so hard that they reflect
bullets. That's really hard.Predicted winner: Rams

Cowboys @ FalconsBulls are easy
to lasso but Falcons are quite feisty.
And they can fly. A young bull tried to fly once but it ended horribly so
that's why matadors use capes to
taunt them. Or wear capes. Or whatever. Bulls don't see red. Scientists think. But
who really knows? Bulls know. They also often visit Falcons and discuss how to
take down matadors, who are really Mexican cowboys even though they're not at
all but are kind of similar. The bulls tell all their secrets to Falcons, who
then fly around and avoid lassoes like no other. I don't know. This was my last
one. I want to go back to bed.
Predicted winner: Falcons

Giants @ 49ersUPSET- This
week, with the home-habitat advantage, our 49ers have made it to California and
are looking for gold. They found one piece too heavy for even a group of them
to carry so they enlisted the help of a local Giant named Steggy. Steggy was
the Giant whose urine had created the Grand Canyon, so he was quite powerful. The
49ers asked Steggy to move the huge hunk of gold into a nearby town so it could
be appraised and agreed to pay him
half of the amount. However, treachery was afoot. Steggy lumbered into town
with the golden boulder and set it down next to the Appraiser's Office. All the
townspeople threw rocks at Steggy's head. He became disoriented and tripped
over the gold and succumbed to his injuries after flattening the entire town. But
the gold was worth so much that the people built a shiny new town and somehow
incorporated the Giant's body into it. So the new town thrived as Steggy rotted
away. It was probably a very smelly town. But thanks for the Grand Canyon,
Steggy.Predicted winner: 49ers

Patriots @ BroncosA gaggle of
Patriots tried to invade a farm, unaware that Broncos defend their homes as vigorously
as Patriots do. These Broncos were happy to live on a farm, being taught how to
be less wild and stop bucking. Until the
Battle Of The Bronco Barn, humans didn't know that other animals could form
militaristic strategy. The Broncos knew their farm like the back of their
hooves, which apparently was once three toes. The Patriots tried to shoot the
Broncos but the constant galloping and trotting led to mass confusion. The Patriots
ended up shooting each other (mostly by mistake) and the Broncos went on to be
tamed and eat many carrots.Predicted winner: Broncos

MONDAY
11/13

Dolphins @ PanthersIn water,
Dolphins are fast movers who can attack fiercely if necessary. On land,
Dolphins are generally useless where Panthers roam freely like mighty…
Panthers. Dolphins breathe air so they should be able to battle on land, yes?
No. Their bodies would overheat and dry out, and that's gross. But did you know
that Panthers are allergic to Dolphin meat? Neither did I until I made that up
five seconds ago. Allergic or not, Panthers would certainly prevail in a land
battle because Dolphins were made to live in water and water is scary because
that's where slimy monsters live.Predicted winner: Panthers

Wins after 8 weeks

Mike Celuch: 72; ESPN's NFL "experts": 71; SpoolyGoo: 69

I know it's not NFL but it's excellent.

Week 9 (6 teams on bye)

THURSDAY
11/2

Bills vs. Jets

There was a rich
guy named Bill. Oddly, he had a brother named Rich who was a bill guy. But this
isn't about Rich. Bill owned a Jet and piloted it himself. While flying one
day, Bill encountered a large amount of turbulence.
Bill got very scared because the shaking wasn't stopping. The Jet's
speedometers and whatever else Jets have were going haywire. Bill decided his
only option was to eject from the plane. So he hit the eject button because he
was so rich that his Jet had one. While falling to Earth, Bill watched his poor
Jet get ripped apart. Then he landed in the lion enclosure at a local zoo. The lions
ate Bill. And Rich was very sad. But Bill had outlived his Jet. RIP, rich guy
named Bill.

Predicted winner: Bills

SUNDAY
11/5

Buccaneers vs. SaintsSaint Bucky,
they call him. He was a Buccaneer who got canonized.
That means he died but his memory or spirit or whatever was officially declared
a Saint. As a Buccaneer, Saint Bucky ransacked many ships and towns. But there
was something special about one ship. It was run by orphans with bad diseases.
Bucky, a very accomplished Buccaneer, couldn't steal from orphans with bad
diseases. He climbed aboard the ship and helped guide the orphans with bad
diseases to a land where cure were sure to exist. When Bucky got back to his
Buccaneer ship, his fellow Buccaneers assumed he had caught at least one bad
disease from the orphans with bad diseases and threw him overboard. Bucky
drowned, but the orphans with bad diseases became orphans who once had bad
diseases. Pour one out for Saint Bucky.Predicted winner: Saints (I don't really know why based on that story.)

Rams vs. GiantsThere's a story
from (I think) Greek Mythology about a Giant getting tricked into thinking that
people were Rams. Or something. I'm gonna go look it up and you should too.Predicted winner: Rams
PS- It's from Homer's Odyssey and the Giant is a Cyclops. Check it out.

Bengals vs. JaguarsThis is set to
be one fabulous feline fracas. Looking ferocious
in their stripes, the Bengals march onto the field ready for action. Sleek in
their spotted coats, the Jaguars sashay
to meet their opponents. I wish I knew more about fashion modeling to continue
this but I don't so instead read this very credible article which sort of
explains why a tiger would win in broken English. Read it aloud in a bad
Russian accent for full effect.Predicted winner: Bengals

Colts vs. TexansColts in Texas
are known as Texlts. It's unpronounceable, but that doesn't mean it isn't true.
A young Texlt named Stool was galloping
when he encountered a gaggle of Texans. They were all firing guns and shouting
with boots on even though it was really hot and sandals would've been more
appropriate. Stool was scared of the Texans but knew his Texlt friends would
quickly come to his rescue if there was trouble. Well, the Texans started
trouble, the Texlts didn't show up to help because they were getting castrated,
and Stool got shot 15 times because violence is always the right thing to do.Predicted winner: Texans

Cardinals vs. 49ersNearing Arizona
because they took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, our gold-seekers encountered
some small red birds. The 49ers saw no danger in setting down their cups of
water while setting up their tents, so they… set down their cups of water while
setting up their tents. The nearby Cardinals took this as their opportunity to
drop things into the cups of water. Most of the birds used stones but one
decided to drop a clump of peyote. The 49er who drank from that cup- Jeff- got
horribly sick. His friends told him he be trippin' but they didn't know he
actually was trippin'. They gave him no aid nor medication so Jeff slipped away
from life. But no one really liked him so they weren't very upset.Predicted winner: Cardinals
PS- I have no idea if peyote can come in clumps nor if it can kill a man named
Jeff. So there.

Raiders vs. DolphinsRaiders don't
only do their Raiding on land. They've
been known to Raid the seas, which is commonly where Dolphins live. Dolphins
gather and collect gold. Raiders love gold but they dislike the whole merry gathering
and collecting part. They'd rather do it immorally. So a group of Raiders dove
into the ocean after Dolphin gold. They Dolphins were onto their plot, however,
and quickly chased them away.Predicted winner: Dolphins

Falcons vs. PanthersA long time ago,
while on vacation in Mongolia, a Panther named Shpep met a young hunter who was
using a Falcon to find game. (How awesome is falconry?) The Panther immediately ate the hunter and the Falcon
declared war on him. They battled fiercely but Shpep was too much for the
Falcon to overtake. The animals have been natural enemies ever since.Predicted winner: Panthers

Ravens vs. Titans"My kind
are the rulers of the world now," said Blorth the Raven after landing on a
Ed the Titan's shoulder. "Fine with me," said Ed, who was growing
weary of the ruling Titan lifestyle. Ed packed a lunch and went sailing. Blorth
didn't think that would be so easy. But you know what's not easy? Ruling the
world. Blorth had a lot of learning to do.Predicted winner: Ravens

Broncos vs. EaglesBefore horses
were invented, Eagles were used to carry people and goods over long distances. These
majestic creatures would soar high above Earth with food and supplies and
people on their mighty Eagle backs. But their rate of success was terrible. Food
rotted in the thin air, the birds (who used to live in wood and metal) ate many
of the supplies, and people of all sorts would fall off, plummeting to the
ground in terrifying spinning motion things. I can't think of what they're
called right now. Then a noble caveman rode into town on a sleek and powerful
Bronco. The other cavemen quickly saw how much easier and safer this animal
would be for transportation so they killed all the Eagles and the notorious
Mighty Eagle Feast.Predicted winner: Broncos

Redskins vs. SeahawksRedskin Reggie was
wounded in last week's battle with the Cowboys. As soon as it was over, he
shouted to the god of water buffaloes that he wanted to beat the hell out of an
imaginary bird. The god of water buffaloes is generally an obliger (apparently not an actual word) so he granted Redskin
Reggie's wish. It will be a massacre. There will be imaginary feathers
everywhere. Redskin Reggie shall win this day.Predicted winner: Redskins

Chiefs vs. CowboysThe Cowboys
triumphed over the Redskins last week but now their leaders are looking for
revenge. Many good Cowboys were lost in the battle against the
largely-unorganized foe. With their numbers depleted against a stealthier enemy the Cowboys won't stand
a chance against vengeful Chiefs. Unless, of course, Cowboy Carl shows up. But he
won't because his son has the flu.Predicted winner: Chiefs

MONDAY
11/6

Lions vs. PackersUPSET- While
loading a moving van, a Packer noticed a large box he had not put in it. He saw
something so he said something. Police arrived and he told them about the
situation. Approaching the large box, the bomb squad engineers noticed a noise
coming from it. The large box began to shake then a Lion broke it apart and
emerged. It ate one of the engineers. Police shot the jungle cat until it moved
no more. The Packer was pleased, as he'd always hated Lions since that time at
the circus…Predicted winner: Packers

Week 8 (6 teams on bye)

THURSDAY
10/26

Dolphins vs. Ravens

Ravens don't
usually land on water. Dolphins like to jump out of the water. One fine day, a
Raven named Keen landed near a cruise ship. Some nearby Dolphins were putting
on a show for the passengers because Dolphins are aware of people and how
easily amused we are. One Dolphin, Ping Pong, leapt out of the water and
hundreds of old people swooned. Keen, however, did not swoon, for he was
underneath Ping Pong. He desperately tried to flap his wings for a getaway but
Ravens' wings become three times as heavy when wet*. Keen could not get out of
the way and Ping Pong crushed him. Raven feathers flew everywhere and some fish
made them into headdresses.

Predicted winner: Dolphins

*probably not true

SUNDAY
10/29

Vikings vs. BrownsAt the beginning
of the season, I predicted that the Browns would do horribly while the Vikings
dominated, strictly based on their names. Apparently in real life (if the NFL
can be considered real life) the Browns are winless and the Vikings are at the
top of their division. Damn, I'm good.Predicted winner: Vikings

Bears vs. SaintsDo Bears go to
Heaven? This timeless question asked around the world has a simple answer- of
course they do. Bears seem intimidating and violent but it's only because
Nature made them that way. Bears naturally do many good things like maiming
tourists who get too close to them despite warning signs and common sense.
Saints, however, must try to be good.
And trying is stupid.Predicted winner: Bears

Colts vs. BengalsAccording to
Hinduism, the first-ever horse was named Uchchaihshravas. (Say that three times
fast. Or just once.) He had seven heads and could fly. He was the king of
horses (maybe because he was the only one) and was often ridden by gods and/or
demons. Horses don't know good and evil. They only know hay and carrots. But
that's better than being endangered.Predicted winner: Colts

49ers vs. EaglesThis week on
their way to California, the 49ers encounter a vicious gang of Eagles. There is
no luck for these gold-seekers, as they have wagon wheels and single-shot
rifles while each Eagle has a plethora
of talons. The Eagles will rip apart several 49ers and leave the remains for
their good cousins, vultures. I have no idea if Eagles and vultures are
actually related nor do I remotely care. Remember, I created this world.Predicted winner: Eagles

Texans vs. SeahawksSince Seahawks
don't actually exist, we'll say a Texan had a dream about a Seahawk. The bird
was massive and lived on top of trains. Our dream Texan was about to board a
train when the Seahawk swooped down and stole his luggage. He had everything in
there. His wallet, his socks, his favorite spatula for some reason. The Texan
wept as the Seahawk resumed his perch atop the train. Then the Texan woke up.
What was the meaning of the dream? Nothing. What did he learn from the dream? Also
nothing. But he was alive and real, which is more than I can say for any
Seahawk.Predicted winner: Texans

Steelers vs. LionsIn some place, a
young ruffian thought it would be
funny to break into the zoo and let the animals free. All the cages were
securely locked except for the one containing Lions. The hoodlum let them out
and they promptly ate him then ran toward the exit, which was also not securely
locked. (The security department at this zoo was just awful.) The Lions ran to
the nearest building, which happened to be a Steel factory filled with workers
putting in overtime. They should have been putting in more hours at the gym
because not one of them was able to outrun the Lions. The Lions were eventually
caught and returned to the zoo. The Steel factory had to close.Predicted winner: Lions

Chargers vs. PatriotsA Patriot named
Sam (after his uncle) was so zealous and drunk one night that he went into a
field with his country's flag on a metal pole.
He waved it around while shouting at the sky. The sky responded with
some heavy rain and a brisk Charge of lightning. We all know that metal is a
conductor of lightning. The metal supporting the flag, however, was a superconductor. It was made of niobium. A
niobium flagpole. The Charge struck the Patriot's pole and fried him to a deep
crisp. As his charred body fell, the pole got lodged upright into the ground. This
was exactly how he wanted to go out.Predicted winner: Chargers

Panthers vs. BuccaneersA Buccaneer ship
was leaving Somalia to wreak havoc on unsuspecting cargo boats. At the same
time, three Panthers from Ethiopia sneakily
sneaked onto a cargo boat leaving from Oman. The Panthers ate all of the
cargo people, who were vastly unprepared to fight large cats. The cargo boat
sailed aimlessly until the Buccaneers caught sight of it. They drank rum and
invaded the boat, expecting a weak fight from cargo people and lots of valuable
booty to steal. Instead, they received sharp teeth and claws. Now two vessels
were floating around aimlessly in the Arabian Sea.Predicted winner: Panthers

Raiders vs. BillsUPSET- A band of
Raiders had a trader among their ranks. Yes, a traitor Raider. (He was also a
day trader and Rollerblader who enjoyed Darth Vader.) His name was Bill. Raider
Bill betrayed his life-long Raider friends in the worst way possible. He was
such a scumbag. What he did is still talked about to this very day. His treachery will secure him a spot in the
Treason Hall Of Fame. It cannot be understated how devious and vicious Raider
Bill's duplicity was. Benedict Arnold himself returned from the grave to give a
speech about Raider Bill, saying not even he could commit such an act. One day,
in the faraway future, when History books are outlawed and World War 24 is
happening, mankind might be able to
recover from what Raider Bill unleashed upon his companions. Seriously, what a
jerk.Predicted winner: Bills

Falcons vs. JetsHas a Falcon
ever flown into a Jet and been shredded to bits? Probably.Predicted winner: Jets

Cowboys vs. RedskinsIn a match-up
that was made for this blog, let's get to it... A Redskin named Wet Bison once
trespassed on Cowboy Rick's land. Rick was locked and loaded but Wet Bison
declared that the land, in fact, used to belong to his tribe. Rick, a
forward-thinking Cowboy, felt sorry that his ancestors took land which was
occupied by Wet Bison's people. He invited the Redskin in for a dinner of steak
and corn and other stereotypical Cowboy fare. Wet Bison accepted but assumed
that Rick was being deceptive. Before the feast, Cowboy Rick handed Wet Bison a
steak knife. The Redskin quickly jabbed it into the Cowboy's neck, killing him
instantly. Not knowing what to do, Wet Bison ran around the house. In the parlor, he found a picture of someone he
deduced was Rick's great-grandpappy standing next to- gasp!- his own
great-grandpappy, Cunning Puma. Their families had been friendly. Delirious,
Wet Bison went to Cowboy Rick's corpse, took the knife out of his neck, recited
a native prayer, and… cut up the rest of his steak. It was a top sirloin which
should not have been wasted. Wet Bison drank all the firewater he could find then stumbled home.Predicted winner: Redskins

MONDAY
10/30

Broncos vs. ChiefsThe mightiest of
Chiefs ride on the mightiest of Broncos. This gives them an edge over their
enemies, who are also mighty Chiefs riding mighty Broncos. (War is so stupid.)
One night in the stable, the Broncos had a Bronco meeting. They were sick of
being ridden into battle against other Broncos, who were their friends and
sometimes relatives. There was to be a revolt. At the next battle, all of the
Broncos bucked feverishly, flinging
the Chiefs to the ground. Angered, the Chiefs decided to spear each other's
Broncos. The horses hadn't planned on that! So all the Broncos were dead and
the Chiefs went into teepees to smoke
peace pipes. War had been averted and the tribes lived in harmony until some
other gang or whatever tried to kill them all.Predicted winner: Chiefs

Week 7 (2 teams on bye)

THURSDAY
10/19

Chiefs vs. Raiders

One time on the
plains, many Chiefs were having an important meeting about Chief things.
Suddenly, a gaggle of Raiders showed up to Raid the village. They burned
things, broke things, and stole women. The Chiefs were not happy about this. They
organized an excellent attack plan but had no warriors to execute it. The Raiders
cut all the Chiefs' heads off then took their feathers and drums.

Predicted winner: Raiders

SUNDAY
10/22

Ravens vs. Vikings
Vikings frequently used Ravens to communicate throughout the Seven Kingdoms.
Sometimes they flew impossibly fast but they always got to their destinations
unharmed even though surely ONE would've succumbed to the elements or gotten
captured by the enemy. Oh, that's something else? Well, if Vikings HAD used
Ravens to communicate, they obviously would have celebrated each letter received
by snapping the Raven in half and using its blood to make mead.Predicted winner: Vikings

Jets vs. DolphinsDidn't this
happen already? Let me check… Sure did. I correctly predicted the Jets to be
victorious four weeks ago but this battle shall belong to the Dolphins because they're
smart and I can't think of anything clever.Predicted winner: Dolphins

Cardinals vs. RamsWhen Cardinals
land on the horns of Rams, the Rams get quite confused. They're aware that
something landed on their person (or Ram) but can't feel nor see it. The Cardinals
then begin pecking away. However, Rams have very hard heads (probably) so the
Cardinals' beaks get all smushed and bent like in cartoons. Then they get dizzy
and fall to the ground, becoming Ramfood. Tough way to go.Predicted winner: Rams

Jaguars vs. ColtsA young Colt
name Murphy was prancing around the range one day when a gaggle of Jaguars came
upon him. (This may not be geographically accurate.) The hungry Jaguars inched
in but the young Colt thought they wanted to play. So he pranced some more,
then got pounced-on and eaten.Predicted winner: Jaguars

Cowboys vs. 49ersThe 49ers of my
nonsense world haven't had very good luck getting to California. This time they
met a squadron of Cowboys. With guns clickin' and boots clackin', the Cowboys
scared many 49ers into turning around completely. Those who stayed were
lassoed, hog-tied, and…I don't know…skinned alive. This was an especially vicious
group of Cowboys.Predicted winner: Cowboys

Seahawks vs. GiantsBirds that don't
exist against huge people who don't exist. I mean, there are big people, but
not Giants. Since Seahawks aren't real,
let's make them very big. One day, a humble Giant named Trayvon was planting a
Giant garden. In swooped a Seahawk who stole all of Trayvon's carrots. Huge
Seahawks love carrots. But that particular Seahawk was allergic to carrots. He didn't
know because his appointment with the Seahawk allergist was supposed to be next
Tuesday. So the Seahawk died and the Giant laughed. It was a huge laugh. It shook
the whole world and caused mudslides. And that's how mudslides happen.Predicted winner: Giants

Falcons vs. PatriotsThe symbol of
the United States in an eagle. Apparently Benjamin Franklin thought it should've
been a turkey. But few people* know that Founding Father and law guy John Jay
had an affinity for Falcons. Jay made his opinion known but the Great Bird
Symbol Decision was made, resulting in the bald eagle stealing the spotlight
which had not been invented yet. Furious, John Jay founded a school in New York
(or it was named after him; whatever) and denounced all Falcons. Nobody would
accuse John Jay of being a non-Patriot whose love for country overpowered his
love for Falcon.Predicted winner: Patriots
*zero people, do to untruth

Saints vs. Packers'Oh, we do lots
of nice things.' 'Oh, we load moving vans.' What a yawn of a match-up. Joan Of
Arc is a saint. She also had syphilis and was burned alive. As for a famous
Packer, I can't even name the guy who last helped pack my goods. (Yes I can. It
was Mike Celuch.) This battle goes to Joan.
Predicted winner: Saints

Panthers vs. BearsUPSET- Have you
ever seen a Panther? They're huge. Even the kittens are terrifying. Bears are
also huge but their cubs look playful and silly. During a previous battle
between these unnatural foes, their offspring
also battled. You couldn't keep 'em separated! This was fiercer than the adult conflict.
In the end, the Jaguars kittens were able to trick all the Bear cubs into
thinking they were cute and innocent then ripped them apart and wore their Bear
furs to brag. The Panther adults, who had won their bout as well, were very
proud.Predicted winner: Panthers

Buccaneers vs. BillsHave you ever
heard of Buccaneer Bill? What do you think he would have to say about this
match-up? On one hand, he CHOSE to be
a Buccaneer. The other hand says he was BORN
to be Bill. Buccaneer Bill was absolutely torn about this match-up. Buccaneer Bill
decided to let fate determine the outcome. He had some friends named Bill,
which he gathered under the guise of bowling because fat guys named Bill love
bowling. Unbeknownst to the Bills, Buccaneer Bill also conjured some Buccaneer
friends who got mad because they couldn't bowl due to their hook hands. They were
so mad that they shredded all of the Bills and the bowling alley's lanes were
greased with Bill blood for a week.Predicted winner: Buccaneers

Titans vs. BrownsThe former rules
of Earth were not Brown. Probably.Predicted winner: Titans

Bengals vs. SteelersCan a skilled smith get Steel as sharp as a Bengal's
fang? Do Bengals have fangs? These are all good questions. The one thing which
must be noted is that Bengals are large and ferocious and Steelers tend to
drink lots of beer after clocking out of work. A drunken Steeler would not be a
contest against a hungry striped cat, sober or not. (This one was stupid.)Predicted winner: Bengals

Broncos vs. ChargersA Bronco bucked
once and was struck by a Charge of
lightning. This coincidence was captured on video by amateurs who happened to
be obsessed with horses AND
electricity. Overjoyed, the amateurs jumped into their car (which runs on horsepower) and posted the video on
social media (which runs on electricity). Frightened by this revelation, the
amateurs had immediate heart attacks. Meanwhile, the Bronco came back from the
dead and ate the amateurs. I don't know what the point of this was.Predicted winner: Broncos

MONDAY
10/23

Redskins vs. EaglesAs stated above
(and in History textbooks everywhere), an Eagle is the symbol of the United
States. However, some might argue that it should be a Redskin because the white
man knew about them before knowing about Eagles. Something like that. Before Europeans
showed up, Redskins were happily killing Eagles by the dozen for food, fancy
headgear, and to make weapons from their talons.
Horrible Italian Christopher Columbus ended the Redskins' domination over
Eagles by killing everybody. So now an Eagle is our national avian symbol. Yippee.Predicted winner: Eagles

This is Trey Wingo. Look at his stupid face.

Week 6 (4 teams on bye)

THURSDAY
10/12

Eagles vs. Panthers

Have you ever
realized that Eagles are the same size as Panthers? We just can't tell because
of their wingspan and habit of soaring.
However, this is not true. Panthers are much bigger.

Predicted winner: Panthers

SUNDAY
10/15

Bears vs. RavensWhile pouncing
through the forest, a kindly Bear came upon an unkindness of Ravens. (If you haven't been paying attention, the
group of Ravens is called an unkindness.) The Bear was taken aback, as tends to
happen to Bears when they meet Ravens. The lead Raven squawked loudly then flew
directly at the Bear, who promptly smashed it to the ground with his mighty
Bear paw.Predicted winner: Bears

49ers vs. Redskins

When the 49ers
arrived down Californy way, there was a tribe of Redskins waiting for them.
While the 49ers brought pans with the intention of panning for gold, they first used them to deflect arrows and
tomahawks. This is a little-known fact but trust me; I was there and I saw
these pans deflect things but ultimately topple because the Redskins also had
spears.Predicted winner: Redskins

Dolphins vs. FalconsWhat's been
happening with the Dolphins? That's the only storyline I've had going. They
were electrified then something about a plane. I don't feel like checking but
I'll tell you this much- you don't see a Dolphin getting captured and used for
a stupid stunt at Medieval Times.Predicted winner: Dolphins

Patriots vs. JetsA Patriot tried
to leave his country once. His fell out of the Jet.Predicted winner: Jets

Steelers vs. Chiefs
The advent of steel revolutionized the weapons industry*. Steelers were able to
create sturdy swords and eventually guns**. Chiefs did not use steel but relied
on wooden weapons and tactical advantages. During the Industrial Revolution, a
group of steel workers left the factory one day and were confronted by a tribe
of Chiefs. Only Chiefs, for some reason. The Steelers, though heavily armed
because they commonly took their work home with them, did not know how to
properly utilize their steel weapons. It was a slaughter, and slaughter is the
best medicine.Predicted winner: Chiefs
*maybe
*saw this on TV so it's obviously true

Packers vs. VikingsViking families
moved around a lot. There were factors such as lack of food in the cold Winter
and terrifying animals like wolves.
Vikings, being busy doing Vikings things, would often hire Packers to move
their Viking belongings. Then they would massacre the Packers and eat their
skin.Predicted winner: Vikings

Lions vs. Saints
One time, a Saint was praying that a Lion wouldn't eat him. Then a Lion ate
him.Predicted winner: Lions

Buccaneers vs. CardinalsIn this
highly-anticipated battle of the teams with the longest names (look it up), the
Buccaneers hold a one-letter edge. However, this isn't about length. (That's
what I said.) One day, a Buccaneer named Fluffy Funbeard got very drunk on grog. He woke up the next morning (quite
groggy) and sought his regularly
trusted parrot. During the night, that parrot was eaten by a vicious Cardinal.
Fluffy put this Cardinal uponst his shoulder and it immediately pecked at his
eye. However, it was Fluffy's eyepatch eye, which stunned the Cardinal and
knocked him out. Confused, Fluffy wandered too close to The Plank and fell into
the sea. The Cardinal regained consciousness and was promptly eaten by the
ship's cat. Sure, Buccaneer ships had cats, just like they all had eyepatches
and planks.Predicted winner: Cardinals

Chargers vs. Raiders
Thor was a mighty Norse god. He would often harness Charges while going on
Raids. I don't think he really did that but it would've been awesome. When used
properly, a Charging Raider is unstoppable. However, against each other,
lightning would obviously win.Predicted winner: Chargers

Giants vs. BroncosUPSET- Giants
are huge. Relatively, Broncos are small. However, in this universe, there was
once a Bronco who was a mighty bucker. He'd buck all day and buck all night.
(It's all good; it's all right.) Any person, animal, or plant that got on top
of him would promptly get bucked off. One day, a bunch of Giants were having a
Giant meeting about Giant issues. They had heard about the Bronco. Parpy, the
bravest of the Giants, announced he would ride the Bronco without getting
bucked off. He didn't succeed.Predicted winner: Broncos

MONDAY
10/16

Colts vs. TitansA young Titan
farmer was counting the pigs one day. He got up to 12 when a Colt came along,
turned himself around, and gave the Titan a vicious double-kick. However, this
hit the Titan's legs, which were massive because he did a lot of Titan squats.
The Colt was the one who got hurt then fell down and the pigs are him. There were
22 total pigs, by the way.Predicted winner: Titans

Week 5 (4 teams on bye)

THURSDAY
10/5

Patriots vs. Buccaneers

Many*
History books do not mention** the importance of Buccaneers during the American
Revolution. These rogues were not on either side of the war, but their own. They
happily plundered and pillaged and said all sorts of stereotypical things that
they probably didn't really say like, 'Arr, matey'. Patriots died, Redcoats
died, and Buccaneers reaped the benefits. On the eve of one battle which I will
not name***, numerous Buccaneers raided the Patriots' camp. They assailed,
assaulted, and generally shivered timbers all night. Heavily depleted, the
Patriot army could not win the battle and therefore lost the war and here we
are today. Wait, that doesn't make sense. Replace Patriots' camp with Redcoats'
camp and you'll be happily on your way. But how does this choose the winner?

Predicted winner: Buccaneers
*All**because it's not true
***cannot name due to it being completely
false

SUNDAY
10/8

49ers vs. Colts
49ers rode Colts to California in search of gold. Probably. Maybe. I'm sure
some kind of horse was involved. But which species survived more trips without
succumbing to dysentery or being killed for meat? Well, California isn't
exactly run by horses. Just ask former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.Predicted winner: 49ers

Jaguars vs. SteelersCould you
imagine a Jaguar made of Steel? That would be awesome.Predicted winner: Jaguars

Bills vs. BengalsYou know when
you call a big company's customer service department and a guy with a thick
Indian accent answers then tells you his name is Bill because being an American
is so cool? Well, Bill got eaten by a Bengal yesterday. He left behind one
wife, three gods, seventeen children, and a cupboard full of curry. Bill was a
nice man.Predicted winner: Bengals

Titans vs. Dolphins
Mythologically, Triton was the messenger of the sea. I guess he swam around
handing people letters. But he also could control waves and tides. That's neat
and could really screw a Dolphin up. Though not a Titan, Triton rhymes with
Titan. See what I did there? I sure don't.Predicted winner: Titans

Ravens vs. Raiders
Raiders are often Pirates and Pirates are often seen with tamed birds on their
shoulders. However, those birds are parrots or some other colorful nonsense.
Ravens are much bigger than parrots. And without a parrot, a Raider will fall
into the sea.Predicted winner: Ravens

Packers vs. Cowboys
A guy named Stim was packing his car for a lovely day at the beach. He loaded a
chair to sit on because he likes to sit on chairs. A Cowboy crept up behind
Stim, lassoed the chair, then smashed Stim's face with it. It was quite a manly
display for no reason at all.Predicted winner: Cowboys

Jets vs. Browns
What a boring match-up. (Apparently in real life, too.) A UPS plane would unite these sides. But if I were at
war, I'd much rather be in a Jet than wearing a Brown outfit.Predicted winner: Jets

Chargers vs. Giants
When lightning Charges strike, Giants are often the first to get hit because
they are taller than regular people. They can withstand one Charge but not multiple.
However, it's said that lightning never strikes the same place twice. But that
has been proven false. I don't know what the point is.Predicted winner: Giants

Panthers vs. Lions
Panthers dominate the Americas but leopards- a breed of Panther- is often
hunted by Lions in African. The greatest threat to all big cats, however, is
people. Deforestation and poaching have led to both species' habitats being
diminished. This unfortunate and frankly unnatural dilemma has caused Panthers
and Lions to seek refuge in unexpected places, such as areas near human
activity. This has led to even more killing of large cats in a vicious cycle
which has feline numbers heading toward endangerment status and ultimately extinction. Be kind.Predicted winner: Lions

Cardinals vs. Eagles
A flock of Cardinals is sometimes called a Vatican because there are human
Cardinals in the Vatican who decide things or whatever they do. A group of
Eagles is called a Convocation, which means a formal assembly. These are
important factors in deciding a winner in this battle of the birds.Predicted winner: Cardinals

Seahawks vs. RamsUPSET- Because
Seahawks are fictional birds, I can make them as strong as I want. And this
week, a Seahawk has enough might to pick up a fully-grown Ram, fly it over a
volcano, then drop the horned beast into the lava. Or is it still magma? The
hot stuff!Predicted winner: Seahawks

Chiefs vs. Texans
Once upon a time, there were many Chiefs in Texas. I guess they were the
original Texans. Then other people came in and called themselves Texans. An Italian
whose own country didn't support him would've referred to the Chiefs as
Indians. Italians and Texans are horrible. Happy Bullshit Columbus Day.Predicted winner: Chiefs

MONDAY
10/9

Vikings vs. BearsThis here is an
AWESOME matchup. Bears are huge and furry and scary while Vikings are… huge and
furry and scary. Bears have sharp claws and teeth; Vikings have sharp axes and
swords. These fierce tribes have had many battles in the cold mountains. However,
on top of being awesome, Vikings are humans who can strategize and axes are
better than stupid claws.Predicted winner: Vikings

Week 4

THURSDAY
9/28

Bears vs. Packers

I was packing my
car before a move and a Bear showed up. Surprisingly, it helped me, as I was
lifting something quite heavy. I had a beer with the Bear. Then he ate my face. Lesson learned.Predicted winner: Bears

SUNDAY
9/31

Saints vs. Dolphins
Not many people know that Dolphins can become Saints after they die. But there
are more human Saints, like Joan Of Arc, who was probably insane from syphilis.
She's a Saint, right? Whatever. Joan is playing for the Saints this week and
she will lead her legion of other French Saints into the ocean to cause chaos for
the Dolphins. But killing many Dolphins might make more Dolphins Saints, so
we'll see what happens next week. If I remember this.Predicted winner: Saints

Titans vs. Texans
When the Titans ruled the world, one of them stepped on Texas. A Texan said, in
typical Texan fashion, "You may rule the world but you don't rule
Texas." The Titan informed the Texan that Texas is part of the world, so
he actually did rule it. Then the Texan shot the Titan.Predicted winner: Texans

Jaguars vs. Jets
A group of Jaguars once chartered a Jet to fly from Florida to Colombia because
they wanted to do lots of drugs. But the Jet crashed. All the Jaguars died and
the Jet was destroyed. I don't know. This is a stupid match-up.Predicted winner: Jets

Panthers vs. Patriots
ROAR, said the Panther as it bit down on the neck of the guy who loves his
country.Predicted winner: Panthers

Lions vs. Vikings
Now this is a grand battle. Lions would certainly have the advantage in the desert
but this clash will take place in the cold sub-Arctic. Regular Lions aren't so
good in the cold but mountain Lions are. This will be a fierce fight with many
casualties on both sides. But obviously the Vikings will win because they're
Vikings and Lions are cats and cats are terrible.Predicted winner: Vikings

Bills vs. Falcons
UPSET- A Falcon swooped down to grab a $5 Bill in its mighty talons. It shredded the Bill and fed it
to her child-Falcons. They all choked and died. The Falcon, extremely upset,
jumped out of the nest and refused to fly, committing Falcon-suicide. This was
a sad day for Falcons.Predicted winner: Bills

Steelers vs. RavensA group of
Ravens is called an 'unkindness'. That's awesome.Predicted winner: Ravens

Bengals vs. BrownsBrown, though
still a color, continues to fight hard against all enemies. Bengals, which are
ferocious tigers with stripes and sharp teeth, eat everything, including colors.
I'm sick of the Browns losing. They're probably gonna win next week.Predicted winner: Bengals

Rams vs. CowboysHad the Cowboys
been Ramboys, this would be a no-brainer. But cows are big and slow and have
too many stomachs. Rams have hard heads and horns. A Ram would wreck a Cowboy.Predicted winner: Rams

Eagles vs. Chargers
Well, who rules the sky? Electric Charges do not have keen eyesight. 'Blitzkrieg'
does not mean Eagle War. If a bolt of Charge were to strike an Eagle, the raptor would be done-for. But an Eagle
is the animalistic embodiment of America even though it's just a bird and
couldn't care less about people. You worship a bird and I'll ride the
lightning.Predicted winner: Chargers

Giants vs. Buccaneers
As I write this, I'm listening to a Pirate metal band from Scotland. The songs
are cheerful yet tough and catchy as hell. I imagine Giant music would sound
like slowly stomping through mud.Predicted winner: Buccaneers

49ers vs. Cardinals
Ugh, there are so many bird teams in the NFL. Historically and hysterically,
Cardinals have harvested more gold than poor people who pan for it. There are
hundreds of stashes of Cardinal gold all over Earth. Some use it for nests
while others juggle it as part of their mating dance. Yes, in this world,
Cardinals can juggle.Predicted winner: Cardinals

Raiders vs. Broncos
As stated above, I've always been a Raiders fan. I thought up a funny scenario
which would have the Ponies winning but even though I don't care about
football, I will never pick them over the Raiders. Sorry for the lack of humor.Predicted winner: Raiders

Colts vs. SeahawksAnother bird!?!?Predicted winner: Colts

MONDAY
10/1

Redskins vs. ChiefsSo here we are.
Students against masters. Generals vs. Privates. Other vampires opposing
Dracula. Many Draculas. Whatever. Chiefs will have wisdom; Redskins will have
strength. I wish I had something funny to write but this is really interesting
to me. I'll have to go with Redskins because there are more of them. Their
numbers will dwindle, but they shall not fall.Predicted winner: Redskins

Week 3

THURSDAY
9/21

Rams vs. 49ers

Picture it- San Francisco, 1849. A bonehead is sifting through rocks to find
shiny golden rocks because they're valuable for some reason. His family is
2,000 miles away and he's had no contact with them since he left home nine
months ago. A nearby Ram says to himself 1) 'I have a hard head and sharp horns',
and 2) 'I like to have fun'. This Ram, living up to his name, rams the 49er in
the buttocks, paralyzing both his body and hopes for the future. Also, all members
of the guy's family had already died from dysentery and snakebites.

Predicted winner: Rams

SUNDAY
9/24

Ravens vs. JaguarsI saw a cartoon
in which a cat was desperately trying to eat a bird. The cat tried many things
but always got hurt and/or in trouble. This cat's efforts were valiant and even
when he had the bird in his mouth, it got away. But that bird was an obnoxious
dickhead.Predicted winner: Jaguars

Steelers vs. BearsUPSET- This just
in: Superman, aka the Man Of Steel, will be playing for the Steelers this week.
The team has made a special uniform for Superman so he can keep his superpowers
during the battle. He will look like a regular player so much that no one will
be able to tell he is actually Superman. Bears everywhere are frantically
searching for a ringer of their own. That weird polar bear thing from Game Of
Thrones has not yet answered their calls.
Predicted winner: Steelers

Buccaneers vs. VikingsI was hoping
this iconic matchup would happen this
season. Or does it happen every season? I don't remember/care. Pirates against
Vikings. Ferocious and infamous warriors all. Vikings drank mead (we think).
Buccaneers drank some kind of rum (we think). These drunk and tough bandits
were both fierce on the sea. However,
I've not heard much about Buccaneers on land. Maybe they just went to sleep. On
the other hand, I recently watched a movie about Vikings. Two of them were
skiing while dodging arrows and protecting a baby. I'm sure this was 100%
historically accurate so there's your winner.Predicted winner: Vikings

Dolphins vs. JetsLast week, the
Dolphins absorbed electricity to beat the Chargers. They have retained some of
that electricity and are seeking to shoot some of it into a large Jet.
Unfortunately for them, that Jet would have to crash into the ocean first and
the odds of a plane crashing into the ocean are as slim as the odds of a
Dolphin absorbing electricity. Wait, what?
Predicted winner: Jets

Falcons vs. LionsDid you know
that Falcons are strong enough to pick up Lions high enough to drop them to their doom?
Did you also know that was a horrible lie?Predicted winner: Lions

Seahawks vs. TitansIn a fictional
land, a fictional Titan reached the sea and a fictional Seahawk swooped down to
pluck his eyes out. (The word 'pluck' makes eye-removal almost sound charming,
huh?) The Titan grabbed the bird and blindly plucked (that word again) its
feathers out. The naked Seahawk flew away but didn't actually fly because it didn’t
have feathers anymore. The clothed Titan stole another Titans eyes then stomped
on the nude bird while screaming, 'Pluck you'.Predicted winner: Titans

Bengals vs. PackersThere's probably
a story about a postal worker in India who got mauled by a large striped cat
while packing his truck for the day.Predicted winner: Bengals

Broncos vs. BillsPecos Bill was
apparently not a real person but Pecos, Texas, is the sight of the world's
first rodeo. Rodeos are all about breaking Broncos who like to buck, sometimes
known as Bucking Broncos. The rodeo players are probably successful more than
half of the time, and I base that on absolutely nothing. Plus rodeos have
clowns. That's nice.Predicted winner: Bills

Saints vs. Panthers
After successfully killing and eating gold-seekers and guys named William, the
Panthers should have no problem getting the best of really nice people.Predicted winner: Panthers

Texans vs. PatriotsLots of guns in
this battle. Texans only love Texas but Patriots love the entire country,
including Texas. So half of the Texans will battle for the Patriots. (If an NFL
game was like that, I'd watch.)Predicted winner: Patriots

Giants vs. EaglesIn an actual
land, an actual large guy reached the sea and an actual Eagle swooped down to
pluck his eyes out. The Giant grabbed the bird and blindly plucked its feathers
out. The naked Eagle flew away but didn't actually fly because it didn’t have
feathers anymore. The clothed Giant couldn't steal another Giant's eyes because
it doesn't work like that. The Giant tripped over the nude Eagle and rolled
down a mountain. The Eagle died, but not before the Giant did.Predicted winner: Eagles

Chiefs vs. ChargersChiefs like to
do rain dances and rain often happens when lightning is around so Chiefs can
control lightning. Facts.Predicted winner: Chiefs

Raiders vs. RedskinsRedskins don't
have much luck with Raiders. Raiders come into their Redskin towns and demand
their Redskin things and the Redskins just talk about the spirit of the water
buffalo. I like water buffaloes but that's not the point. Raiders have swords.
Or guns. Or whatever.Predicted winner: Raiders

MONDAY
9/25

Cowboys vs. CardinalsWhile trying to
lasso a cow (if that's what they do), a Cardinal got in the way of a Cowboy's
rope. This didn't affect anything though because ropes are heavy compared to
small birds. The cow was successfully lassoed and brought to the saloon or
whatever happens.Predicted winner: Cowboys

Week 2

THURSDAY 9/14

Texans vs. BengalsTwo groups who have never met. Neither has ever traveled abroad*. Hmm. Texans do have guns but Bengals are stealthy. It would really be a matter of opportunity. Bengals would have an easier time hunting at night.Predicted winner: Bengals*Likely untrue

SUNDAY
9/17

Bills vs. PanthersIt's still
unclear what a Bill is but regardless a Panther would destroy it.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Vikings vs. SteelersIt would take
several Steelers to throw a steel beam at a group of people but only one Viking
to throw a spear through each of his enemies at one time.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Patriots vs. SaintsPatriots really
like their country. Saints really like being good. Patriots would die for their
country. Saints might die for goodness but that'd be weird.
Predicted winner: Patriots

Eagles vs. ChiefsIn an extremely
factual and historical battle, a Chief named Swooping Eagle soundly defeated
his enemies. While that's probably not true at all, it also doesn't help me
decide on a winner. Eagles have an aerial advantage but Chiefs are on the
ground and the ground is better.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

Jets vs. RaidersLast week, the airplane
Jets lost to guys named William while the Raiders beat former rulers of the
Earth.
Predicted winner: Raiders

Cowboys vs. BroncosNow this is a truly
classic matchup. Master against slave. Teacher against student. Or something
like that. Cowboys always try to "break" Broncos but statistically*
they get "bucked" three out of every five attempts. Or am I thinking
of bulls? This isn't basketball (though Bulls vs. Mavericks would be similar)
so the horses will win out of sheer strength. And if they get into trouble,
they can call on bulls to help them. This just in- I don't know anything about
Texas.
Predicted winner: Broncos*Didn't look this up at all

Redskins vs. RamsIf an arrow was
flying at me, I'd want to be able to headbutt it out of the way.
Predicted winner: Rams

Bears vs. BuccaneersBears are tough.
They can withstand attacks from rocks, mean names, and bare-handed people.
(Yes, they would crush them with their bear hands.) But they could not
withstand cannonballs from drunks on ships.
Predicted winner: Buccaneers

Cardinals vs. ColtsUPSET- We found
out last week that it's common practice for Colts to get castrated. This used
to be done with some gin and a sharp blade. Then ranchers discovered little red
birds who have a natural knack for removing horse balls.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Browns vs. RavensThe United
Parcel Service (UPS) used to have the slogan, 'What can brown do for you?'
Gross. So gross that they abandoned it.
Predicted winner: Ravens

Titans vs. JaguarsJaguars got
revenge last week on gun-toting gun-shooters. The next reasonable enemy up the
chain would be former mythological rules of Earth.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Dolphins vs. ChargersWhen a lightning
bolt strikes the ocean, Dolphins absorb the Charge*. They become electric
Dolphins and wreak havoc throughout the water. They can shoot electricity out
of their bottle-noses at unsuspecting fish, whales, and anemones. Amenomes.
Amenemenones. Many enemies. This is fierce.
Predicted winner: Dolphins*Couldn't be less true

49ers vs. SeahawksIn the mid-1880s,
many people went to California in search of gold. What many of those many found
was birds which don't actually exist. The gold-seekers were tired and weak, so
the fraudulent avians attacked with glee.
Predicted winner: Seahawks

Packers vs. FalconsOne day, a guy
was packing a box because he was moving to the nicer side of town. He put his
favorite childhood toy- a stuffed mouse- into the box. With keen eyesight and
unvarying swiftness, a Falcon soaring high about the Packer saw the mouse. It
swooped down and grabbed it. The angry Packer threw various things at the
Falcon but never hit it. However, the Falcon tried to eat the stuffed mouse but
choked to death instead.
Predicted winner: Packers

MONDAY 9/18

Lions vs. GiantsLions hunt in
packs called prides. Prides have taken down elephants. Giants are bigger than
elephants.
Predicted winner: Giants

Week 1

THURSDAY
9/7

Chiefs vs. PatriotsI feel like
these groups have battled before…
This would be a hard-fought contest between men who love to defend their own
kind. Chiefs have earned their way to the top and are master strategists. On
the other hand, I've seen The Patriot starring Mel Gibson. His crew ragtag but
got the job done convincingly. There is also a movie titled The Patriot
starring Steven Seagal, and Steven Seagal is terrible.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

SUNDAY
9/10

Jets vs. BillsNow, what is a
Bill? A dollar note? The amount you must pay after eating at a restaurant? A
nickname for William for some reason? None is very intimidating. A Jet is large
and heavy and wouldn't exactly cause damage to you but you'd get very tired
trying to beat it up and would have nothing to show for it.
Predicted winner: Jets

Raiders vs. Titans
Raiders are maniacs who like to perform sudden attacks but I don't think the
stealthiest of them could outwit a former ruler of Earth.
Predicted winner: Titans

Eagles vs. Redskins
Both American natives (though Eagles don't mind being called Eagles), both of
these groups have much pride. I feel like an Eagle could scoop up a young
Redskin but an older one would spear the hell out of it.
Predicted winner: Redskins

Panthers vs. 49ers
If I was a panther and I saw some guy running around screaming that he found
gold, I'd eat him.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Jaguars vs. Texans
These two have a long history* of fighting each other in the wild. Ever since
there was such a place as Texas, Jaguars have been trying to take it over. The
Great Jaguar Uprising of 1857 was for naught simply because of one factor-
guns. Texans have guns. And guns kill cats.
Predicted winner: Texans
*Completely made up

Cardinals vs. Lions
Though fierce, a small red bird would not stand a chance against the king of
the jungle who actually lives in the desert, though 'jungle' comes from a Hindi
word meaning 'uninhabited place'. The more you know!
Predicted winner: Lions

Falcons vs. BearsFalcons are
vicious but bears are much more viciouser.
Predicted winner: Bears

Ravens vs. Bengals
UPSET- A little-known fact* is that ravens have incredible skill when it comes
to homing in on stripes. Their sharp beaks could thrash a tiger to death in a
matter of days.
Predicted winner: Ravens
*Totally untrue

Colts vs. RamsYoung horses
against man-sheep. Apparently Colts get castrated later in life so they would
have more to fight for.
Predicted winner: Colts

Seahawks vs. PackersSeahawks suffer
from identity crises because there is no animal officially known as a Seahawk.
Were they full-blown ospreys or auger hawks (which is their mascot that does
not live by the sea), they could pose a legitimate threat. But they don't. On
the other side, Packers pack things, which is not very intimidating. Still, I'm
gonna have to give the edge to people who will move in the near-future instead
of the schizophrenic birds.
Predicted winner: Packers

MONDAY
9/11

Saints vs. Vikings
Let's see- people who do good things or blood-thirsty barbarians?
Predicted winner: Vikings

Chargers vs. BroncosA lightning bolt
could cause some major crazy damage. A lightning bolt could kill a Bronco.
Between the two, I'd rather be run-into by a lightning bolt because I probably
wouldn't suffer. That said, a Bronco would cause more suffering, which is a
rough-and-tough trait.
Predicted winner: Broncos