Beyonce, 31, Finally Old Enough To Perform in Superbowl Halftime Show

By DR

LOS ANGELES – A private awards ceremony will be held for Beyonce this Friday to honor her recent invitation to perform in the Super Bowl Halftime Show.

The Super Bowl planning committee shocked the nation when they invited Bey to perform. Past halftime shows have included geriatrics such as The Eagles and recently minted septuagenarians The Rolling Stones. According to committee member Jack McIntyre, “That was actually a hologram of Mick Jagger. He’s not dead yet, he’s just really really tired.”

He went on to say, “Some may remember the 2011 halftime show featuring Usher and The Black Eyed Peas. That was totally accidental. Their tour bus got switched with Elton John’s and we just went with it.”

“This is bigger than winning a Grammy, bigger than a lifetime achievement award,” Beyonce lip-synced to reporters in a press conference outside of her home.

“Last year, with Madonna, we wanted to kill two birds with one stone by appealing to the 60+ crowd and also teenagers, which is why we dressed her in that ridiculous cheerleader costume. This year, we wanted to appeal to our mid-thirties moms and dads.”

“Can I relate to Beyonce? Um, not really.” said Jessica Leighton, one mid-thirties mom and/or dad TRI interviewed. “I also don’t watch football–I’m too busy taking care of my kids. Most of us don’t have nannies to do that.”

James Jones, 36, told us, “Men don’t even watch halftime shows. We get up to take a piss and get more chips.”