19 Ways to Get Rid of Aliens on Earth

Oh great, now we've gotta tell interstellar immigrants to go back where they came from.

Do we really want to do this? To make contact with extra-terrestrials?

Let’s say we do and the aliens accept our invitation. Unfortunately, 206 arrive at once. They’re the size of blue whales, strip our electrical grid of high-tension wires for bedding, make a communal nest covering half of Minnesota, snort atomic breath worse than Godzilla’s, and never change the socks on their five feet.

How do we get rid of them?!

Here are some ideas.

1. Show vacation pictures from their home planet on a network of Jumbotrons in their compound.

2. Don’t tell them anything about Toaster Strudels. Or about anything Gooey, Flakey, and Happy.

11. Invite them to a monthly, worldwide Conehead Festival, at which only beer in six-packs and whole cartons of cigarettes are consumed whole. Convince them that standing in as a target for Ring Toss is a great honor.

12. Show them plans for a wall around their compound and tell them that they’ll be paying for it.

13. Remove the “alt” and “right (arrow)” functions from their computers. Leave the non-functioning keycaps in place just for fun. Now watch them try to command their pets in League of Legends. Or their Super PACs.

14. Put their spaceships on Craigslist along with their current home and cell phone numbers; offer free test rides around the solar system.

15. Invite HGTV to their compound to scout the location for a new series “Tiny House, Big Alien,” and have a few dozen old shipping containers delivered to their compound in advance.

16. Tell them their compound has been built on a swamp and the government has just awarded a contract to drain it.

17. A Coachella, Burning Man and SXSW shootout will be held in their compound to resolve once and for all which is best. The entire human race will be attending. In assless chaps.

18. Replace all their light switches with The Clapper, cruelly: they have no hands.

19. Get Amazon to change their Prime shipping service level to five days, even for orders that qualify.

A Best Small Fictions 2015 Winner, Dave Petraglia's writing and art has appeared, or is forthcoming, in Bartleby Snopes, Cheap Pop, Crack the Spine, Chicago Literati, Gambling the Aisle, Hayden's... View full profile »