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Topic: Ummm....your welcome? (Read 21139 times)

BG - In laws have a history of lavishing gifts to their darling son...and giving me gifts that are completely inequitable, but JUST enough so that DH doesnt "see it".

My IL were here this past weekend. Since I am a SAHM, 99% of the work fell to me. Perfectly fine, as I love to entertain.I did ask DH to do one thing.....pressure wash the house. Did it get done? Nope.

I shopped, cooked their EVERY meal....breakfast, lunch, dinner, hors d'oeuvres, their special cocktails, everything.

They took us out once, for breakfast.

While here, we spoke about how DH was saving up for an expensive tool he has been wanting. He also mentioned in passing that he was looking at these cowboy boots at *random store*, that he would love to have.

They departed, everyone was happy.

4 days later, an envelope arrives addressed to DH. In it is a gift certificate to Home Depot for $300.00. There is also a $100 visa gift card...with a note attached...."get your boots, too"!!

At the risk of sounding selfish.....I am a bit annoyed that I did all of the cooking, cleaning, prep work, etc....and they send ONLY HIM a "hostess" gift.

Or was the breakfast my thank you?

5 years ago, I would not have had a second thought.....but after years of receiving sub-par gifts from them....I am a little annoyed.

I guess I don't see one having to do with the other. My parents do things for me personally that they don't do for my husband. I don't see how sending him the means to get things he dropped hints about wanting has anything to do your hostessing.

If they specifically said, here is something to think you for the great visit, than yes, I can see your issue. But the fact remains that he is their child, not you. If you'd prefer to not go out of your way going forward for people that don't go out of their way for you, I totally think you are justified and in fact should do so.

Doing things for others with the expectation for payback is usually going to frustrate you, especially when, as you say, they have a history of giving your husband (their child) better gifts than you.

I remember a thread on this topic awhile back that got quite heated. I believe the situation was similar, that the gifts given to their adult child were significantly more valuable than what they gave to the spouse.

Considering you do all the work when they visit, I think you do get a bit ripped off. The only way to change it is to stop doing it and make your husband do all the work. Bet his tune will change.

I think that it is SS to expect to get the same level of gift as what they give their son. He is their child, you are not. It isn't as if they are giving you a bad-to-the-point-of-being-insulting gift (that I would characterize as rude). It just isn't as great as what they gave your DH. $100 is not chump change.

The issue of hostessing is I think something that you might actually be better off taking up with your husband. You went to a great deal of trouble to host your in laws and your husband did not help. It seems that you are feeling badly for having done so much work and are attributing that feeling as a reaction to a lack of appreciation from your in laws rather than looking at why you had to go to so much trouble all on your own in the first place.

I agree the situation is frustrating, but I don't see the issue so much with the in-laws as with your relationship with your DH. You seem very frustrated that he didn't help you prepare to host his parents, understandably so in my opinion, and I think that's really the place to start. Continuing to do a lot for people who don't appear to appreciate it (whether DH or his parents) is a recipe for unstinting resentment.

My parents are very equal with their children and the spouses. Down to the last penny equal.

My in-laws... are not. However, I don't begrudge them. That's life. The husband is their kid. They might want, from time to time, to do something special for him. Doesn't bother me in the least.

I should say, though, that my husband is a generous person. When that gift happens to be monetary, it goes into our shared account. So, even if his parents didn't plan it that way, it ends up going to both of us in a way.

As to what your in-laws did. That gift to your husband was not a "hostess" gift. It was "here, son, you're our son and here's a random gift" gift. The "thank you for having us at our house" gift was the breakfast for both of you.

What would have made you happy? If your husband had gotten the $300, but you had gotten the $100?

Since it's not likely that your in-laws will change this behavior, what if maybe your husband were to take some of that gift card money and use it on both of you for something? Though, that depends entirely upon how you and your husband divide gifts and money.

Again, since we can only control our own behaviors, would you feel better if you only gave hosting "50%" instead of "100%" the next time your in-laws come? Or if you divide up the chores even more with your husband when his parents come. He has to do more work when his parents are over, because they're his parents?

Final verdict: Your in-laws really didn't do anything wrong. The gift was a random gift to their son. Their thanks to the both of you was in the breakfast out. I'm not going to say that's always a comfortable split for every family, but it's not rude. It's just different. Maybe the best you can do in this situation is remember it for if you ever end up having a son-in-law or daughter-in-law.

The only thing that's wrong is if these gifts are going to get between you and your husband. I'm not saying they are, I'm just hoping not. If you feel resentful towards your husband, then maybe an "I feel that..." chat is in order. Just so that the two of you can work out how to handle unequal gifts as a couple. Because, again, it's unlikely the in-laws will suddenly change, and I don't think it's a good idea to ask them to change or anything like that.

I suspect that you are NOT greedy and that you do NOT begrudge your DH the present, but that it is trying to be regularly reminded that you are NOT one of their family in their minds. I have a similar thing with my in-laws. My family has always made a big effort to include DH as part of the family, but the in-laws? Not so much. When I was pregnant with DD1 and also when she was a baby I used to refer to myself as "the incubator" because it really felt as though in their eyes I had *nothing* to do with this child.

This won't change. You are "DS's wife" not "our DIL" for life. Yet they will expect for you to do all the things for them that they would expect a daughter to do. Hence they wouldn't see it as unreasonable for you to cook, clean etc with little reward because they are family, but you won't get 'just because' presents because you are not. However that doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. I know I felt hurt for quite a long time. It really helped that DH (eventually) acknowledged my feelings and allowed me to vent when I needed to. Also, DH will now step up and intervene for me when they get too pushy.

Short answer: I think it's time for a 'I feel...' talk with your DH. I wouldn't make it about the presents, though. I would make it about not feeling part of the family and that hurting, because I suspect that's what it is.

At the risk of sounding selfish.....I am a bit annoyed that I did all of the cooking, cleaning, prep work, etc....and they send ONLY HIM a "hostess" gift.

Or was the breakfast my thank you?

Them saying "thank you" is your thank you.

Couples are a social unit, they are as one. I do things for DH's family and they thank us by thanking him. My DH shows me appreciation for this. Your problem is with your DH not appreciating what you do for his family.

Couples are a social unit, they are as one. I do things for DH's family and they thank us by thanking him. My DH shows me appreciation for this. Your problem is with your DH not appreciating what you do for his family.

POD!

Your inlaws are being hosted by their son, that he has arranged his job hosting by doing nothing and leaving it to you doesn't really affect them.

Stop putting so much effort in, I bet your DH won't care and at least you won't feel like you've been run ragged.

They probably wanted to get their gift to him before he went out and bought them for himself. And while they were still thinking of it. I get why the timing was annoying, but I don't think they meant offense by it--just that they wanted to get it to him while it was fresh in their minds and before he could save up the money to buy it himself.

Because, if they WANTED to give something, it should have been something for the whole family.

Not really no. As others have said you're just going to have to accept that you are a distant second to their son, no matter how much work you put into this. They don't WANT to thank you, they want to spoil their son. So their timing is perfectly appropriate for what they want to accomplish, which is to have their son host them.