College Basketball

The NCAA announced that March Madness is going to be getting a whole lot more mad next year, as they expand to 1367.5 teams in an effort to boost revenue and ratings. The move was met with groans from the general sports media, who questioned the logistics outlined in the NCAA's unveiling presentation today.

Apparently pretty much any basketball team in the country, organized or unorganized, will be making the March tournament. Only next year, it won't just be contained to one month. Organizers say that the new tournament will now span three years. That is how much time will be needed for the 42 regional sites, up from the traditional four, to conduct their brackets.

"We have never been more behind an idea than this one," said NCAA President Bill Whitford. "We have had so many good teams just miss out on making this tournament, this will ensure none ever do again! Just imagine people's brackets they are going to get to fill out at work. I'd advise all managers to maybe schedule a company holiday or two in March so they can get all the names down all that thing. And also to invest in a lot more paper, they are going to need lots of room to draw this bracket out."

Due to the sheer number of teams in next year's tournament, it is expected to actually take a year and a half to finish. The final few rounds will actually overlap with the following year's tournament, but NCAA management doesn't feel it's a problem.

"People love watching March Madness basketball!" continued Whitford. "Now they can have Summer Madness basketball! It will be on in the middle of the night! Nonstop college action! CBS has already cancelled all original programming they were hoping to show next year, and instead will just be airing games 24/7. Needless to say, they are very excited about this expansion as well."

A lot has been made of the number they chose to expand to. 1367.5, which they confirmed today means that one team will only get to field half a roster on the court.

"Look, now that we are allowing over a thousand teams into this thing. If you're the last team on the list, you're clearly no good. As punishment for that, you only get to bring half your team. But just think of the upset, should the 1367.5 seed beat the number one seed! It would be complete anarchy! That's just one of the many additions our new format will provide."

After coaches from USC, Xavier, and seemingly everyone turned down the head coaching position with the Arizona Wildcats last week, officials from the school made a last ditch offer to you to take over the prestigious program. They were most impressed by your ability to yell at the TV, regardless of who is playing, and tell them exactly what they should have done, 5 seconds after they do the wrong thing.

"That kind of coaching moxy is exactly what we need at Arizona," said school president Rich McDougle. "We also like that you picked us to get out of the first round on your bracket, and you spend most of your time at work bashing players on internet message boards. It shows you really know personnel in college basketball."

McDougle offered you a $2 million per year deal for eight years. But, after thinking it over and weighing the options with your family, you decided to decline the position and stay at your job as a data entry specialist for a pharmaceuticals company.

"After carefully thinking about the opportunity presented to me by the great University of Arizona, I will have to respectfully decline the position," you said in a statement from your posh one bedroom apartment. "I just think I need to stay where I'm at right now. I've put a lot into this current job, and I need to see it through. I made promises to Bob and Sam in accounting that I would be there for them, and I'm not going to break those promises.

"There's also the issue of money," you continued. "When you make $2 million per year, you're looking at a whole lot of taxes. I'm going to stay at the $35k I'm currently making and not have to pay all those crazy taxes. Also my wife would probably be out spending whatever I make over that $35k. Plus they told me I wouldn't be able to browse the internet all day at the office, and I'd be spending most of my time in a gym. That's just not something I can commit to. I've never stepped foot in a gym except for this one time I was lost and thought it was one of those wing restaurants where the girls wear sports bras and spandex. I was so frightened when they tried to get me to come on a treadmill."

Your wife was said to be disappointed in the decision and was quoted as saying "I'm going to kill that son of a bitch."

A local office manager is
putting the word out that he is still looking for people interested in
doing a women's NCAA tournament pool, despite the fact there are only 4
teams left. He was undeterred by the lack of response for his NIT
bracket and 128-person French Open bracket pools.

"Look," said
Fernando Castronovik. "I told everyone this thing would be just as fun
as the men's bracket, only with women. I know a lot of people complained
that they didn't know anything about women's basketball, but you've
heard of some of these schools! Connecticut is on here, even Louisville!

"I
know people were nervous about having to size up Prairie View and
Lehigh, but they are already out. Just fill out your bracket with these
four teams, and we're good. You have a one in four chance to win for
Pete's sake! It will be fun!"

But his co-workers have been
skeptical about committing to an addition bracket pool since the
beginning.

"I just don't know if I can make any more uneducated
guesses about basketball teams," said office worker Kerry Reyes. "At
least with men's basketball I can pretend I know about these teams
despite only really following my alma mater, Duke, and North Carolina. I
can rely on my knowledge of those three teams plus steal opinions from
bracket pundits and claim them as my own. But with women's basketball,
it's a total crapshoot. It's like bizarro world on that bracket.
Stanford? How did they get to the final four?"
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With the Final Four taking
place this weekend in Detroit, the need for licensed bracketologists is
coming to an end. The industry is set to see massive layoffs following
the conclusion of March Madness, which will add further to the economic
problems facing the country and the hometown of American automobiles.
The bracketology industry is notoriously volatile, but this year could
be one of the worst on record.

"I have doctorate degrees from
Princeton in both bracket physics and seeding psychology, and I'm not
sure I'm going to be able to find a job come April," said Dr. Owen
Richards, a practicing bracketologist. "People come to me all the time
needing help picking what that cinderella team is going to be that
captures the imagination of the entire nation, before being crushed two
days later in the second round. If I can't make a living, who is going
to be there next year to tell them what to do?"

"You're going to
have dangerous unregulated predictions being made by secretaries who
picked Louisville to win it all, because their mascot are pretty birds.
That's street bracketology, and it's dangerous. If you had gone with her
prediction, you would have messed up in the Elite Eight. A lot of
people say that kind of advice works just about as often as our
professional picks, but I say it's just luck. If you give a secretary a
pair of scissors and a three hole punch and send her into an operating
room, there is a chance she'll be able to perform a successful open
heart surgery. But you'll have better luck with a real surgeon, and
fewer binder holes in your aorta."

But bracketologists like Dr.
Richards are not the first casualty of the bad economy. People saw their
health insurance companies no longer cover bracketologist visits this
year, as they had in the past. Hard working men and women were forced to
pay as much as 20 dollars for guesses on how teams were going to do.

"I
brought my bracket from last year into my family doctor," said college
basketball fan Dan Berger." He took one look at it and said I needed a
specialist's help as soon as possible. He told me I had a serious
medical condition called dumbass' bracket. He said that if left
untreated it could lead to my losing 10 bucks every year in my office
pool. He referred me to a bracketologist who he had used in the past to
keep him away from picking Pac-10 teams. But then the insurance wouldn't
even cover it. It's a tragedy."

The layoffs have already begun,
with some bracketologists trying to re-integrate themselves at home. Dr.
Matt Hedge, a former bracket expert with 6 children, said he attempted
to feed the kids and make sure they got off to school safely while his
wife was at work, but ended up just making a bracket ranking them on who
was his favorite. Cinderella story Bobby won in an upset over Rebecca
in the final after Matt remembered that Bobby "wasn't so god damn loud
as the rest of them".
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Twitter, the service that
allows you to tell friends and followers what you are currently doing,
has become all the rage with celebrities and the media over the last few
months. But no one had seen anything like Blake Griffin's Twitter page
on Sunday as he pulled out a cellphone while on the court to update his
page live.

He made such insightful posts such as: "I am dribbling
a ball", "I am jumping in the air right now, I'm so glad my parents
weren't white", "I'm so high up in the air right now, the people below
me look like ants", "Whoa shit, those actually are ants, that explains
the 6 legs. They really need to clean this place up.", "I am dunking the
ball through the net, and now I will hang on it while celebrating!" The
commentators for the game marveled at Griffin's performance, both on
the court and his ability to type so quickly.
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Picture Of The Day

The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.