So I know after reading this you will all be asking the question "Is this guy an idiot?" I would like to think not, but just remember, the world is full of idiots and the odds are pretty good that I could be one. Guess what, I don't give a shit.

For 2 months my truck radio developed an anoying problem that forced me to finally break down and buy a new one. Some kind of stupid fucking short somewhere caused the left rear speaker right next to my head to blast out full volume static and crackling, without notice, just BAM! Scared the hell out of me, then would sound like a chainsaw trying to cut through a steel beam. Everywhere I went it was non stop bullshit. I'd go through the gaurd gate at my job with this thing blasting away. I'm sure he was asking himself "what the fuck is this asshole listening to?" The fast food drive-through was even worse than ever, I already can't understand what they're asking me let alone having all this static blasting in my ear. It's fucking bullshit to no end. You're asking "why the fuck don't you just turn the damn thing off, dumbass" BECAUSE THE ON_OFF BUTTON DOESN'T WORK!! THAT'S WHY, DUMBASS!

I just couldn't stand it anymore so I headed to Car Toys to find a new radio. After reading all the reviews about this place I was a little reluctant to go there. Ever read the reviews on Car Toys? There are some very unhappy people out there, but knowing how fucked up people are in general I gave Car Toys the benefit of the doubt. So after looking their radios over I was a little stunned at the prices. Who would pay 800 fucking dollars for a car radio? Does it have voice command or something? That sure as hell wouldn't work for me, I'd have that thing so confused it would purposely do the same thing my old radio did, as if to say, fuck you man, I don't respond to "why the fuck don't you change to a decent station you piece of shit"

So I settled on a cheaper model, but I told the salesman I just want a radio that's easy to operate, I don't need something I have to have 4 years of college just to figure out how to turn it on. I told Dustin that too and he just laughed and said they don't make regular radios anymore. Fuck. So I get this thing home and commence to install it. After about 2 hours I stood there and looked at what I had to do to my dash and wondered if I would ever get it back together. Dash parts and screws everywhere. But by the grace of God I managed to only end up with 5 screws left over that I couldn't figure out where they went. Fuck it, it's in.

Now the fun part. DUSTIN!!! Come program this God damned thing, I can't figure out how it works. There is no bass or treble setting, it has an equalizer, all in frequency settings. Just getting to it was a nightmare. Then everytime I went to turn up the volume, it turned to a bunch of settings instead and kept beeping. What the fuck is going on with this thing? Then I'm trying to set what is called a bass enhancer, turn the menue to sound, then to RB ENH then press 1, 2, or 3. Well I never could find it, all I found was an ALO, and the manual doesn't even say what that means. C'mon man....

It works good enough, but the radio stations are garbage so I went to go get a thumb drive to play my own music in it. Ok this is where I become an idiot. I thought it plugged into the audio jack, but usb flash drives have a square plug. How do you get a square to fit into a round hole?

Yes, the salesman at Fred Meyer had his hands full when I came in to his store....

As if my life aint full of enough bullshit it's only fitting that I should have even more bullshit added to it. Going to a cash machine is probably one of the simplest things to do. Unless you're me. It all starts the night before. Yes there is a certain amount of planning for this event. I prefer to not hit the stupid thing in the afternoon because there is always a line of people making major complicated transactions that take forever. I'm like "C'mon you fucking morons, this is a cash machine. You come here to take out cash". It's a convienient service 24 hours a day. But too many dirty motherfuckers seem to think they can pay all thier bills, balance thier checkbooks, make deposits, transfer money or find out they have no more funds left in thier account so they look all stupified and keep pushing buttons in a frenzy because they can't possibly believe they fucked up. GO INSIDE THE FUCKING BANK IF YOU'RE NOT MAKING A WITHDRAWL!! I don't have time to stand there like an idiot while some idiot fucks around with some mamby pamby full blown complicated transaction that should be taken care of inside the bank.

So realizing there's no way to eliminate such morons from society, I hit the machine at 5:00 in the morning when nobody is there. I've never had a problem except the other day. Back to my planning the night before. Parking has become a real bitch at my job. I have to get up earlier to get a parking spot, so if I'm going to hit the cash machine on the way to work I have to get up even earlier. This means jumping out of bed when my alarm actually goes off. It sucks.

So I race to the cash machine, put my card in, push the buttons to get cash and the machine starts making all these weird noises. These noises went on for ten fucking minutes, so I'm thinking this machine is fucked up. All the while I'm thinking if I don't get my ass out of here, I aint going to have any place to park. And if I leave while this machine is having a spaz attack, my luck it will spit the money out 5 seconds after I leave and some bum will walk by and think he hit the mother load. Fuck this shit. So then the screen says "we're sorry, we are unable to process your transaction at this time". That's because too many motherfuckers raped this machine the night before and there was no cash left in it! So I switched over to the next machine. Surprizingly it worked. So I got my cash and raced to work.

When I got home I decided to check my bank account online just out of curiosity. Guess what? It shows that I made two withdrawles! FUCK! So after throwing a few things around and scaring the hell out of the dogs, I tried calling the bank. No abla espanol mother fuckers ok? And being put on hold for 30 minutes aint working for me. So I jump back in my truck and head to the bank. I go inside and the teller that I need to talk to is trying to help some retard that looks like he was inbred from Simon and Garfunkle and Icabod Horglsnorts mother. I'm sure he was at the cash machine and probly one of a hundred that actually HAD to go inside to figure out his mess. After waiting 20 minutes she finally comes over and asks " how is your day today sir?" Wrong question. So I told her what happened. All I ended up with is a phone number, the same one I tried calling earlier. So I called it again. An hour later I finally got some guy that transfered me to another guy that put me on hold for another 15 minutes only to tell me not to worry because the machine caught the error and reversed the transaction, even though it doesn't show it on my statement. WTF? I went through all this bullshit for nothing? Yep. Story of my life.

Does anybody really need to ask why I drink so much beer? Fuck this shit.

Is it just me or is the whole world fucked up? Everytime I have to deal with something fucked up I feel like I'm on some kind of game show. "Ok Randall, if you can jump through 15 hoops, survive 20 minutes of being put on hold, listen to 15 minutes of some recording trying to sell you some stupid bullshit that makes no sense, AND be willing to complete a survey, your phone call will be monitored" JUST FOR YOU!! And don't forget to push 1 on your phone for English.

Here's the deal. I bought my phone way back in Febuary. It comes with a 50 dollar rebate. Great! Just fill this card out and send it in. It is now July. No rebate. 50 bucks is 50 bucks. That's a 18 pack of PBR, a 24 roll pack of toilet paper, a loaf of bread and a pack of smokes.

The statement says they have a chat line on the web, and since I hate talking on the phone this seemed like an ideal way to find out what the fucks going on. It's like txting, I can do that. So the window pops up. I type in some information and it replys " all our specialists are busy ". Specialists? Then it tells me they'll be with me in the order I logged in and the wait time is approximately 15 minutes. Ok fine, just enough time to slam a beer. So then "Laura M" types me a message. "Good day sir, what can I help you with?" So I type in my problem and she responds I'm sorry to hear your delema, let me retrieve your information...........About 10 minutes later she types back. "Our records indicate that you have been approved for the rebate" .......Yea, so where is it? I've been waiting 6 months for it......"Let me give you a link, and just type in your phone number and hit go"........Ok.........I hit go and it says estimated delivery date 4/22/2012....that was 3 months ago. So I tell Laura M that the date is fucked up. So she says "let me check that for you".....about another 10 minutes go by and she responds by giving me a phone number to call. This number is like the red phone to the president, the official REBATE SERVICE CENTER. So I call this number and a recording says press 1 for English. Then I have to listen to some idiot trying to sell me some specialty of the month crap that I have no idea what it is and if I agree press 2. No other option. So I just yell into the phone...."I want to talk to a representative damn it!" Then I hear, "one moment while we transfer your call". After about 2 minutes of silence I hear a bunch of noise and some idiot comes on and says "To whom am I speaking, and how can I help you today?" So now I have to tell THIS person the same thing I told Laura M(oron) all over again. So I get put on hold for another 10 minutes, and this person tells me my rebate was sent out back in March. Well I never recieved it! " Ok, what is your address? I tell her what my address is and she says, well that's not the address we have.

For Christ sakes man, you send my damn bill to the correct address every month so what other address could you possibly have? "Well give me your address and we'll put a stop payment on your other rebate that you didn't recieve, and send you another one." Knowing that they already have my correct address, obviously, I didn't want to complicate things any further so I gave it to her again. "You should recieve it in about 10 business days."......

Being the experienced car buyer that I am, let me refrase that.....Beings I always get screwed buying a vehicle, Dustin put his trust in me on what to look out for buying a car so he asked me to spend a day with him to go see what's out there. He scraped and saved and ate a lot of Top Ramen to purchase his very own vehicle, which I commend him on. Driving that big ass party van made him feel creepy driving past grade schools, so it was time to shit or get off the pot.

The game plan was to head to the dealership in Kent first. Nothing. From there we went to Issaqua. Saw one truck in his price range, piece of junk. Went to some car lot in Lynnwood. Found one. A nice 2007 F-150 4 door. It looked to be in pretty good shape so the salesman had us test drive it. It drove ok and ran good, but then we noticed it had 170 thousand miles on it. WHAT?? God damn man, my 1988 only has 200 thousand on it and I drive it everyday. How the fuck can somebody put that many miles on a 2007 unless they're making drug runs accross the border from Mexico?

Other than the salesman telling us all about the liner under the hood that melts off if there's an engine fire, it was a nice truck. So we decided to go start the paperwork to see what kind of deal we could make. The office was typical house trailer on blocks. I guess in case they fuck over the wrong person they can hook up and go at a moments notice. We sit down and I look around and notice this place is swarming with Mexicans. Could that truck REALLY have been used for.........Na, I hope. Don't get me wrong, Latinas' are hot, it just made me wonder what's going on here.

So Dustin told them he wants to keep the payments around $200. He said how about $250? No $200. Oh $250? NO! $200! Well just fill this paperwork out and I'll go talk to the "boss". Haha, isn't THAT a new one? So he comes back and says $225. Ok, that's stretching it, but doable. As I'm sitting there watching Dustin fill out all this bullshit that I never understood either, I told the guy I just didn't feel comfortable spending that much money on a truck that had that many miles on it. I know I just popped Dustins' balloon, but I don't want to see him get fucked like I always do. So I told the guy to knock a thousand off the price and I'd feel better about it. So he goes back to talk to his "boss" again, comes back and mumbled something and said they can't finance Dustin for that much money anyway. Well FUCK! Why didn't he tell us that before Dustin fucked around with that stupid application.

So now we finally get to see the "boss". Have you ever seen movies with car salesman? This guy was no actor, he was the real deal. This city-slicken, sharp tounged proffessional bullshitter had all the right moves and words, but I'd seen too many of those movies so I already knew this was a bad plan. He procceeded to inform us that he had the truck for us and said follow me, with a shit eatin grin on his face. He said "you will not leave here today without me putting you in a nice truck" Oh how nice of him. The truck he took us too was uh, beat to shit. It was all dented up, looked like it had been driven off road with all the scrape marks from front to back, had big ugly tires on it and the gas cap cover was broke. After pointing all this out to him he says, "we'll put stock wheels and tires on it for you and those scratches will buff out just fine, here's the keys, drive it". Relucktingly we did, that thing rode like it was still off-road and ran like shit. Bringing it back he had his personnal grease monkey find out why the check engine light was on. He didn't want to tell the "boss" what he found in front of us so they kind of snuck off. He comes back and says "it's just a bad coil wire, we'll fix it, no problem". Guess what, it's a piece of shit, no thank you! So Dustin and I snuck out of there before he could flatter us with more bullshit.

There was one more place I decided to pull into, Harris Ford dealer. They had just got one in and hadn't had time to clean it up, but the salesman took us to see it. From what we could tell under all the dirt, it looked pretty decent, and only had 90 thousand miles on it. Bought it. For the same price that other douchbag wanted for the high miler. Came back in a few days to pick it up and couldn't even recognize it as the same truck. We got lucky I guess, something I'm not used to.

At least we don't have to stock up on butt balm this time. Fuck ya'll...

I'm sure everybody knows how the little annoying things in life can be easily forgotten if you just grab a beer or six and think about something else, but if it's REALLY annoying, you know it needs to be dealt with eventually.

The other day I noticed a tire on the car was a little low. No big deal, I'll just fire up the compressor, add a few pounds of air and finish my beer. As I dig it out from under the bench I noticed the air nozzle is missing. Shit. So I look through my mess. Can't find it. I remember Dustin probably took it off to blow out his computer so I ask him what he did with it. "I thought I put it back on", he says. So he commences to dump out all my bins of useless crap that I'll never use only to find one piece of the end cap. Hey, no biggie, I'll just stop at the auto parts store and get another one. The next day I stop in knowing they won't have a clue what I'm talking about, but they said all the tire shit is on row 3. All they had was the stem for 8 bucks or the full blown hose unit with tire gauge for 25. Well fuck, all I need is a little brass fitting, so I said fuck it, I'll go to the hardware store. So I'm in the hardware store looking for this annoying little piece of brass air fitting and the lady says "can I help you?" Yea, I need one of these. After I told her what it was she laughed and said "good luck finding one". What kind of customer service is that for cryin out loud? She said all we have are these......the same bullshit the auto parts store had. So I paid the 25 bucks for the full blown unit and went home. I could have bought a fuckin bottle of jager with that!

So I went to go screw it on and fire it up. Turns out the inline non-detachable gauge already built in was interferring with the other gauge making it pop out the wrong fucking direction. FUCK! So I took the end off, wich by the way is the same piece I could have bought at the auto parts store for 8 bucks, and tossed the gauge. Low and behold it finally works. Good grief.