Thank you for your recent interest in securing a teaching position at our yoga studio!

We very much enjoyed looking over your extensive resume, head shot, tasteful nude shot, and that black and white one of you in Eka Pada Baddha Koundinyasana B Part 2 whilst playfully winking at the camera. By the way, was that jasmine with which you misted your resume?

With that in mind, though you have never set foot in our studio, we are pleased to announce that our selection committee has chosen you to continue into the second round of our competitive application process! In this round, you will be invited to take part in our groundbreaking program for new teachers, Yoga Fight Club! If you wish to proceed with your application, you along with our other successful applicants will be locked in the yoga studio after hours. You will then be grouped with those applicants who are similar to you in weight, size and gender, and over the course of several hours, you will each be given the unique opportunity to fight to the death, using only fists, nails, teeth, and kicking. Please leave your weapons at home! Blocks, mats, and organic tea will be provided. Our review board will be giving live feedback on your performance during the fight, so that each you has the opportunity to become the best you you can be.

The ultimate survivors of Yoga Fight Club will go on to be assigned a highly coveted teaching position here at the studio (actually, you will be forced to teach a poorly attended 6am Sunday class for several years before finally being rewarded with a slightly more humanely timed 7am slot).

We recommend you drink plenty of water beforehand, dedicate your practice, and wear comfortable, loose fitting clothing that you can easily move in. Please arrive early so as not to miss the opening invocations, and a special performance by our star teacher Ramajanananda performing full Rajakapotasana.

Om Shanti,

In love and light,

Peace,

The Yoga Studio.

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You failed to mention the pay grade, which should be about $25 until you “prove yourself” as a teacher (undefined method), and when you do prove yourself, you’ll be fired and replaced by a teacher who is grateful for the $25, 6-am Sunday gig.

While being fired, you will be chastised extensively for not being “yogic” which is the true reason why you are being fired. Here are the enumerated violations to yoga that you will have committed during your tenure with our studio, and of course, is simply inherent in your character, and you are a lost cause moving forward without us.

1. You do not practice ahimsa, because you are angry with us because we are firing you. Also, you voluntarily went through the Yoga Fight Club process, which indicates that — from the beginning — you truly didn’t understand what it is to practice Ahimsa.

2. You do not practice satya, because you refuse to use the exact script, or music, or chants, or other elements that are crucial to the teaching of yoga. You are simply not being truthful with your path of yoga, or the path of the students who come here. You are actively deceiving them by “adding in” your insane ideas such as modifications for postures or practicing without music!

3. You do not practice astaya because you keep asking us to give you the back pay that we owe you. If we are not freely giving it to you, you must not try to steal it from us! You must freely also give of your yoga to us, even though you managed to fill the class and that class turned a tidy profit for us. Your demands for money are crass.

4. You do not understand or fully appreciate the practice of Brahmacharya, because you absolutely refuse to sleep with the lead teacher or guru of our studio. It is obvious that this enlightened being understands sexual responsibility more than you, and your prudish behaviors are simply not in accordance with a modern application of this ancient and sacred practice!

5. Your greed is obvious, and you do not practice aparigraha. The primary evidence of your greed is the fact that your “horde” all of the students into your class, filling the class room, and these students follow you from class to class in the studio. They do not go to other teachers and even the founder or guru of our studio! You are continually stealing these students from the gracious fellow-teachers through your malicious greed!

6. When you clean the bathrooms and showers after class, you do so without any care. Shampoo bottles are put back in the showers with their labels facing the wrong direction and clean towels are often folded in the unyogic and improper manner, demonstrating your lack of cleanliness or saucha.

7. Your continual accusations that we are not following yoga principles is a clear projection of your own inability to practice yoga principles, and therefore you are clearly not practicing santosha and fully accepting that we are right and you are wrong (and a lost cause).

8. Because you refuse to sacrifice your personal holidays to substitute at the last minute for the lead teacher or guru of the studio, you obviously do not embody the austerity practices, or tapas, of yoga. Certainly, this practice of calling you at the last minute to substitute for us so that we can go on a fabulous holiday or enjoy dinner with our family is an important lesson in how to understand the benefits of austerity.

9. Because you simply cannot clearly see how everything that we do is to benefit you and your yoga path, it is obvious that you are not practicing self study or contemplation — svadhyaya. Our every practice is to help our teachers find and teach from their higher selves — which would obviously match our selves, as we are higher — and therefore any disagreement with us demonstrates that you are simply not contemplating your true nature.

and finally

10. As a continuation of 9, you are obviously not recognizing that there is a much larger picture here than yourself, and you do not acknowledge the dynamic play of Ishvara pranidhana. If you did, you would clearly see that our studio’s actions fall within the very will of the cosmos and the true nature of yoga. By surrendering to the studio, you surrender to the Divine. Since you refuse to surrender to the studio, you obviously have no interest in practicing yoga what so ever.

So, thank you for your attempt to serve our community for the last five years by volunteering, teaching, and taking classes, and marketing tirelessly on our behalf, but we now can see that you have only ever done this for your own egotistical self-gratification, and never for the higher purposes of Yoga.

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