Pages

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

I have been away for a while. Some changes in my personal situation and work situation put a halt to a large part of our kinky life and hence this blog. But life goes on and all sorts of kinky things are happening again so I figured it is time to return to this blog as well. The Wicked Wednesday prompt for this week (monogamy) is perfect for that since I have been struggling with something related.

The other day, MrReg told me again to behave like a slut and have sex with other people (men) both online and in real life. Whenever MrReg tells me that, I feel anxious, frustrated, obstinate, sad and angry. Which is strange because I do like to have sex with other people, as I described in a previous post.

So after venting some of my frustration on twitter, I thought about why it bothers me so much during one of my runs. These were some of the things I came up with:

I am a pleaser. Even though some people call themselves 'slut' proudly, in general it is a curse word that shows a great deal of disapproval. I feel hurt when people call me names, except sometimes in play.

I need my friends approval. MrReg is quiet on the topic, he usually does not tell our friends that he wants me to fuck around. Good friends, some of whom I see every other week, don't understand why I need more people in my life, since I already have a master. I can feel their disapproval when I tell them I am going away for the weekend to play or have sex with someone else without MrReg.

I am in love. I am very focused on MrReg. Having sex with other people distracts me and especially in times when our relationship is less close. Of course, this is a catch 22; MrReg's interest in me spikes when I have sex with other people and becomes less when I don't.

I am submissive. I like being used. The word sluts implies the need to seek out men or women to have sex with because of the sex. Whereas my kink is to have sex with dominant men or women that want to use me. I need there be some type of control/dominance associated with it. It does not mean I always need pain or bondage as part of the equation, but it needs to be more or something else than just sex.

I am careful. I don't like the risks associated with having multiple partners, especially online. There are two types of risks here: physical, because having multiple partners puts me at risk for STDs and psychological because playing online puts me at risk of being exposed.

I am afraid to be rejected. I feel insecure about my body, my age and my face and feel like I make a fool of myself when I try to find partners. Again a catch 22: if I don't engage with other people I run the risk of being rejected by MrReg, if I do I run the risk of being rejected by them.

I am proud. I like to feel special and I don't want to engage in sex with just any man 'out there'. Being told to be a slut demotes me to the lowest rank, anybody is good enough to touch me.

I am a sexual and physical person. When I like someone, I enjoy having sex with that person. Or to cuddle. In general, I like sex in a BDSM setting or with very good friends. In the last couple of years I have done both. It is fun, I love those friends dearly and it has improved our sex life. It made me less self conscious and I learned a lot about different types of sex (with women, threesomes with 2 men, threesome with 2 women, men that are circumsized, etc etc). In fact, this month alone I have had one date, agreed to have another one next week and made plans for two more for the end of the year.

However, all this does not make me a slut. I will never claim to be monogamous. I like to have sex with different people. People that I like, admire and that somehow appeal to me. But I am not a slut. Even though I am supposed to be one.