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Shining Raichu for Member of the Year!

To win a category in Member of the Year, as anybody who is honest with themselves will admit, is the greatest honour a person could achieve in this or any future life. Looking at the thread now, I see that fifty-nine people have already cast their votes and having skimmed people’s ballots, I’ve noticed that there is a disturbing trend of people not voting for me. I put this down to not enough people knowing about me and the magical being of wonder that I am, and therefore I’ve taken a little time to compile this list of reasons why by not voting for me, you are not fulfilling your duty as a member of the PokeCommunity - or more to the point, why you should be.

I’m Sexy and I Know It

This has become somewhat of an elephant in the room for a lot of people. They look at me and are at once struck dumb by my devastating handsomeness, but upon regaining their composure feel awkward about bringing it up because they don’t want me to think they are just talking to me to be in the presence of someone of my radiant appearance and aura.

As a point of fact, the energy they expend in squirming uncomfortably is completely unnecessary. I know I’m sexy, and I am in no way shy about it. In fact here, have a picture. You might as well know what you’re dealing with; after all I would not expect you to vote for somebody who can’t back up their claims:

One of the perks of being pretty is that you get whatever you want in life. This isn’t elitism, it is merely a statement of fact: this is a societal system that has been in place since the dawn of time. I’m not entirely confident of who originally implemented this covenant, but I feel safe in the assumption that it was a pretty person.

Now, I don’t like this any more than you do. I, too, dream of a world in which the pretty and the ugly (sorry – aesthetically challenged) can live in harmony and be treated as equals. For now, however, this is the way things are. I don’t make the rules, I just follow them. All I ask is that you show the same courtesy to the universal laws of humanity.

I’m a Moderator

I’m a staff member of this forum. This means you have to do exactly as I tell you, because if you don’t, I have the power to make each of your lives a living Hell. You should literally crap your pants at the sight of me. In fact, I expect it. No, I demand it.

This aside, what you might not know is that you get modded faster if you vote for staff in Member of the Year. It’s taken an extensive campaign in the staff forums, but I’ve finally been granted a one-time exception to the no-leaking rule in order to let you all in on a little secret. While the higher staff are often criticised for their choice in new mods, the truth is it’s not nearly as subjective as it seems. From the time they join, each new member is closely tracked and monitored. You each earn ‘mod points’ based on your posts and other contributions to the site. When you have earned enough mod points, you get modded in the most appropriate section. Each post you make has a numerical mod point value attached that only becomes visible after you get modded. “Why are you telling us this?” I hear you ask. Well, dear readers, this is a very good question! The reason I’m telling you this is that for every time you write “Shining Raichu” on your ballot, you get five mod points. This is a once-a-year opportunity, so I’d hate for people to miss out just because they were unaware of the system.

I Have the X-Factor

I have 111 friends on PokeCommunity. For the longest time, I thought my popularity was a direct result of my colourful signature, but then one day I realised that as beautiful as my signatures always are, my e-looks will only get me so far in my e-life. It was around this time that I started hearing about this thing called ‘The X-Factor’.

Now, the ‘X-factor’ is a vague (yet special) quality in a person that nobody thus far has been able to adequately describe. I even looked it up online, but the definitions were hazy at best. As such, I’m not entirely sure what the X-factor is, though I’m certain I have it and I’m certain that others see it in me too.

Unless the X-factor is something you see in rapists or serial killers, because I’m not a rapist or a serial killer.

Now, I know you all know this. Believe me, I’m hyper-aware of how much I’ve shouted it from the rooftops around this place and the last thing I want to do is become that guy who is gay and won’t shut the hell up about it. But it is relevant here. You see, because I’m gay, if you don’t vote for me, it automatically means that you are homophobic (at least I think that’s how it works. I’ll have to check with GLAAD on that one).

Either way, it's 2011. This is no longer a world in which you want to be homophobic if you know what’s good for you. The ever-feared “gay agenda” is real, and it’s gaining momentum. My people have organised themselves and we are poised to take out anybody who shows the slightest inclination towards homophobia. Trust me when I say that you don’t want to mess with us. I don’t want to go too heavily into detail about the sort of things we can do to you, but let’s just say that the people who opposed the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” on the grounds that it would compromise the safety of the troops had obviously never seen how skilfully and effortlessly a lesbian handles a machine gun.

Just something to think about.

And Now For The Most Important Reason Of All...

Spoiler:

My Daddy didn't show me enough affection when I was a child and now I need the validation of other people to make me feel good about myself.

14, I was living like my life was the pavement
And I wanted to die, couldn't nobody save me
Now I save my own self and I'm on and I'm famous
And I deal with the haters
Ain't nobody gonna take away what I built

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