AAAAHHHHH ZOMBIE SNAKE AAAAHHHHH

Production note: I am leading this post with a picture of a panda climbing on stuff. I think you’ll see why.

No. NO. Absolutely not. There’s is no reason for “zombie snakes” to be a thing. Do you hear me, Mother Nature? NO.

Rattlesnake venom destroys tissues and causes crippling paralysis, sometimes leading to death. When Santa Cruz homeowner Thomas Scott encounters the deadly predator in his garage, he takes matters into his own hands. However, unlike mammals, reptile reflexes remain deadly after death. In fact, they can still bite and deliver a killing dose of venom up to an hour after being decapitated. And after Thomas delivers what he thought was a deadly blow, the snake’s head, severed from its body, continues to scan the area, waiting for an opportunity to strike. [NatGeo]

There’s video of the decapitated zombie snake at that NatGeo link if you’re a deranged crazy person who wants to see that sort of thing (I’ve watched it twice), but the video is not embeddable, so I’ll just leave this terrifying picture after the jump and go back to NEVER GOING OUTSIDE AGAIN. Suddenly that lady whose house burned down after she lit the snake on fire in her yard doesn’t seem so unreasonable.

Can I just say, I’m sort of on the fence with Bob’s Burgers, my roommate and I waver on whether or not to watch it regularly, but we agree that song is one of the greatest things ever. I have no idea how many recent arguments have ended with “It’s not o.k.!”

Related: I witnessed a task force raid on my block this morning while my dog was taking her morning constitutional. (There was even a guy who gave “the signal” who was dressed up like an extra from Grease and it was AWESOME.) I don’t know if they got the guy they were looking for, but still: No snakes in Philadelphia!