Dear Thelma: My parents don’t want me dating an obese older man

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​I started the first romantic relationship of my life in June. I’m 27 years old and he is my first love. He is 42 and we have known each other for six years.

I decided to accept him after he had pursued me for six months.

I had thought long and hard about accepting him, because there is, after all, a 15-year gap between us.

But when I was evaluating my attraction to him, I noticed we have some things in common. We have a solid friendship as I know him well (we share a pretty large group of mutual friends) and he is a really good man because he has no bad habits (he doesn’t smoke, gamble or drink).

The only negative thing about him is that he is obese. But that did not stop me from developing feelings for him because appearance is not the main thing for me.

Our new relationship was all good and sweet until my parents found out about us. I did not tell them about him because I had wanted our relationship to be more stable before I introduced him to my parents. And given the wide age gap between us, I knew that it would take time for them to accept him.

My parents were furious. They stopped me from seeing him after learning about the age gap. They even followed me so they could stop us from meeting. We broke up after my parents’ dramatic and extreme behaviour. I’m crying every day and at odds with my family.

My mum explained that the age gap and his weight are huge issues for them because they think that I will end up taking care of an old man plagued with diseases later on in the relationship. She couldn’t bear to see me suffer like this and she was crying and begging me to break up when telling me this.

Three weeks after we broke up, I told him that I couldn’t get over him, and suggested that if he wanted a shot at continuing our relationship, he should slim down to prove his determination to my parents.

He recognised his weaknesses, and said that if he were a parent, he wouldn’t let his daughter marry a man like him too – someone with no house, drives an old car and is obese. He said he would try his best to work on his weaknesses – not solely for me, but so that it would improve his prospects as a reliable man worth spending a lifetime with. I was only his second girlfriend.

We still keep in contact as friends. It’s been five weeks since we broke up and I am struggling to get over him. I hate my parents for interfering with my love life when I am already an adult. I know what I want in a partner. But they think they know better. Ever since we argued ​about this, my relationship with my parents has not been the same.

I can feel that they suspect I’m still in a relationship with the man but we are only friends. They have actually demanded that I stop being in touch with him but I have ignored them. My ex and I do not meet but we keep in contact through phone messaging.

I feel my parents are very unreasonable. I used to love and appreciate them as the most important people in my life, but I don’t see them that way anymore. I still talk to them, I am respectful to them but deep down I don’t enjoy talking to them.

I used to get homesick easily and only stuck to my family so I did my tertiary studies in my hometown as well. I even quit my previous job because of excessive travelling. But now I’m thinking about moving out and being on my own because I feel I have lost my basic freedom.

However, moving out does not mean I am going back to my boyfriend. I don’t know whether time will heal my relationship with my parents, but deep down I know I’ll always blame them for denying us being together. It is not easy for me to find someone with mutual interests – this is obvious from the fact that I’ve had my first love only at this age. Age is not supposed to be an obstacle to a relationship, but my parents ruined mine.

Do you think I was wrong for arguing with them? I am the one spending time with him, why shouldn’t I be the one who makes the decision? It hurts me whenever I come across news about celebrity couples with similar age gaps like ours. This is really getting so common nowadays, so why can’t I have it too?

First Love

Dear First Love

You are 27, not 17. While I appreciate that your parents want the best for you, they should have had a conversation where they stated their views.

They had no right to go barging around, causing scenes and making decisions about who you can or cannot date. It is your life, not theirs.

I’m not surprised you are angry with them.

I agree that you need to move out. Do it as soon as you can and be far enough away so that your parents can’t police your every move.

Be firm and set boundaries.

Over time, as you all adjust to an adult relationship of mutual respect, the happy love should come back.

As for you, you’re going to need time to find your feet as an independent person. Get to know yourself and your needs. Make lots of friends. Take part in lots of social activities. Be sure to take up a sport as well.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is to discover what makes you happy, and set yourself a pattern where you live a full authentic life.

You did not ask for an opinion about the boyfriend, however, I will give one just in case you’re interested in my thoughts.

While he sounds sweet, I’d be concerned about the age gap. At present, 15 years doesn’t seem much, but when you age, it’ll be a problem.

Also, do you want kids? If you do, and you have them a few years from now, he’s going to be a bit old to deal with crying babies and tantrum throwing toddlers.

I suggest you don’t make any plans now because you’ll be too busy finding yourself. Give yourself space and see where you are a year from now.

If after a year, you still think he’s the one for you, go and see him. And if you both agree that you share your life goals and have a good chance of ensuring your mutual happiness, go for it.

Have a problem? Email star2.thelma@thestar.com.my or write to Dear Thelma, c/o Star2, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya, Selangor. Please include your full name and address, and a pseudonym. No private correspondence will be entertained. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.

9 Comments

Stand With Parents

Disagree with Thelma. You’re 27, not 47, and yes, your parent do know better. The guy has said he is willing to slim down for you. Set him a target and a time line – you can research what is a reasonable time to achieve this through many studies online – and let him prove his sincerity. Problem solved.

Sean

Standing 100% behind you …. and the parents. Fifteen (15) is not that big of an age gap but if the obese man does not slim down, the writer will eventually learn (too late) to understand, appreciate and respect what her parents doing to save her from future hardship (and possibly unhappiness). Also why he is “with no house, drives an old car” at age 42? Have he been taking care of a sick family member, being a kind soul and helping others or just not financially responsible? This is somewhat of a red flag and the writer need to figure this out.

I sincerely touched by the concern of a 27 yo lady into her first serious love with an ‘obese older man’. I feel strongly this man is a mother’s child with dignity only God can judge. Who are we to judge how their future could end up to be. They could be the one to live happily ever after. Even marrying a prince doesn’t guarantee us a spot in happily ever after so who are we to judge their relationship. Next, I am being neutral here with a few more pointers.
First. by advising a young adult to leave home and rebel against their parents seriously is not a good advise to do. Getting her out of her comfort nest puts her into more danger outside. One could imagine this is not about moving out in good term. Ego will prevent her to reach for her family in future troubles which may put her from hot water to burning fire.
Even God ask that we honour our parents even though we might disagree in all their thought but we must honour them. Which parents wants a bad ending for their children. We as outsider are unaware of what happened behind the whole scenario. Maybe the experienced parent saw something beyond an obese gentleman. We have not heard both side of the concern.
Secondly. If this man is serious about winning his bride, he should take this challenge to be healthy and lose some weight. Of course, a house could be an added advantage. It’s all depends how much hard work he is willing to sow into this future relationship. NATO are everywhere btw.

Lastly. I, being there before at 27 yo and hungry for love and having the first man to chase me and with my parent opposing my decision (only they did not press harder in objecting) and later married and a decade later into the category of divorcee, I have this gentle advice for you, your parent could be right after all. Heard of blind in love. May God open your eyes fast to see between could be right and could be wrong in this situation.

William

As a parents myself, I am shocked with the advice from Thelma which I don’t agree. The last thing for you to do is to move out of your parents’ house over a disagreement over a love affair. So what are you going to do if you have any other disagreements in life? At 27, you are still very young and you should listen to the wisdom of older people, especially your parents as I am sure that they love and care for you a lot.

Love can cause your brain to see only the good and non of the bad. You need a third party to see it for you. You should thanks your mum to put senses into your mind. Go and patch up with your parents. Give her a hug and buy or cook your parents a meal! If your bf is really serious, he will take action to lose all his weight. Otherwise, he is a man of no will power, continue to drive an old car and you will have to work extra hard to finance a house. Indeed he will only give you load of suffering later in life. There are plenty of better and younger men around. Expand your circle of friends.

Thomas Foo

When I was 45 years old, my weight was 208 lbs and my height 5 ft 3 inches.
My BP was very high and the doctor was very frank with me that I might suffer from kidney failures, strokes, heart attacks if I didn’t reduce my weight.
I started to walk and was puffing after a short distance.
I persisted and after 1 and a half year, my weight was 160 lbs.
I am seventy years old and weigh 170 lbs.
I have diabetes and hypertension but with medications and healthy lifestyle, I am healthy.
Tell your friend to do something for his own good as many of friends who did not take care of their health died early.
Some suffered strokes and are paralysed.
Some have kidney failures.
Your parents worries are correct but your friend can do something to prove to them that he is willing to do anything for his and your sake.
15 years gap in age is not a real concern but bad health is.
What happens if he suffers from a stroke or have kidney failures, and the children are young.
Ask him to find ways to be healthy then approach your parents again.

notyourgirl

while my comment is totally unrelated to this topic, has anyone watched the series Dietland? you know, “Thelma” might not be Thelma after all. The writers to these letters could change without us knowing. While i do definitely agree with the rest of the comments here that the respond from who we know as Thelma lacks depth and understanding of this whole situation, at the age of 27, we are still making mistakes regardless your age. Moving out just because what you feel at the moment could do more harm than good. Recognize that what you feel is just for this moment – what happens in 5 years time, only you know. Maybe you do truly love this man, if he’s willing be healthy and do all those things for you, i don’t see anything wrong being with him. As for the age gap, truly… age is just a number. Celine Dion married her manager (RIP) and she did fine. Most importantly dear, discuss with him what you both want out of the relationship and what you both would like to achieve together in life. Sometimes, humans just want some companion and love enters. Think about it, discuss your future with him – how you both foresee living together and having a life together. Also..if you were to have kids of your own someday and he/she might be in the same situation as you right now, would you do what your parents did or would you handle it in a different manner? Hope you find the peace and answer that you need.

Snowx

I am both agree and disagree. You know him better than your parent so it makes you think you choose the right one, mmhmm, but your parent is more experienced than you. I suggest you look at both sides instead of blindly go against your parent and threaten to move out just because they disagree with you. However, I agree on you that you re 27 not 7 or 17, it means you can evaluate well.

First, be sure your boyfriend really mean what he says. Losing weight is not easy but do not force him to overdo it or else it will be like you re discriminating him for his weight too. Health is the main concern, get him some health screening too. Some fat people doesn’t mean them re unhealthy, and slim people don’t mean healthy either. My husband used to drink alot sweet drinks, have large meal all before he met me. Then I get him reduced his portion as I eating less so I tend to share with him, having him stop his regular sweet intake. He did lose some weight but not to the “slim” level yet. I want to keep him healthy more than hoping he become slim so people don’t judge. My husband don’t have money, no house, no car either. I work it out with him. Now he has everything we need in life. It takes 2 to clap, not him alone working out. That’s part one I agree with you that age, weight, look doesn’t matter.

I disagree you go against your parent. You think they hate your relationship because that man is obese. That is one of the reason only, they might see more than what you see. They think that your age gap is too far, they can’t be all wrong. The age 20 you might still want to play, hanging out with friends, staying up late at night and enjoying your life. But an age 40 man might just want something more chill, stable, which may be later you will find it boring. Your parent is concerned in both your future and happiness. They afraid maybe this is your first love and you eagerly jump into it. And age? Like Thelma mentioned, what about kid? At the age 30 you have kid, and he is already age 45. And when your kid is age 10, he already age 55, a retirement age. Think about it…

I suggest you have the talk with your parent. Understand their perspective. Listen first and don’t judge quickly. Then explain to your parent to give time and try to know your boyfriend first plus now both of you in friendship status instead of a relationship. Both sides need to give time and chance to understand each other before one side disagrees with the other.