The GOOD, the BAD, and the UGLY

Is we is or is we ain’t??? Well, as I sit here, I’m trying to stay level-headed and composed. It’s difficult to do but I can’t let me emotions get the best of me right now. For the past 2 weeks almost, we’ve been thinking that I’m pregnant again. The usual suspects are in play: missed period, appetite growing, breasts a little tingly, and frequent trips to the bathroom. However, both pregnancy tests that I’ve taken have been negative! I just don’t understand it! My last period was May 30, well to the best of my recollection – hadn’t quite started to track it since I wasn’t expecting this to happen so quickly and wasn’t even sure that I wanted to try again. But after realizing I’d missed my period, and of course S picked up on that little piece of information as well, I started to get excited. I even pulled out my stash of cloth diapers that we’d started to stock up on the last time I was pregnant. Trying to learn to fold and secure them. But now I don’t know if I will ever get to use them. I’m thinking about starting an auction on Ebay now just to get rid of them. I don’t want to go through this anymore.

I can’t help but to feel like I’m being punished for something. I mean, this was the one time that my pregnancy wasn’t a “slip up.” Don’t get me wrong, I love all my kids with all the love that a mother could have for a child. But neither one of them were planned. Not that they weren’t wanted, but they weren’t planned.

The one time that we were actually wanting to get pregnant, something goes wrong! Was it something that I did? I can’t help but to think that. This is the second time that we’ve been through this and I don’t know why it’s happening to me. I’d already started to love this baby as if I was holding him/her in my arms. Now I will never get to hold her, kiss her, nurse her. My heart is breaking and I don’t know if I will be able to get over this. I’m 35 years old and this was supposed to be our last baby. But now what? We all know what the research says…women who have babies over the age of 35 have a higher chance of having a problem pregnancy.

It just seems like everytime I have something good going in my life, it’s yanked from under my feet. I guess I don’t deserve to be happy. It’s been proven time and time again. Maybe I should just stop trying to be happy and accept that my life is supposed to be anything but happy. His Word said that He would never forsake me. But why do I feel as if he has?

Well, I went to the doctor today and the news wasn’t any better. The second blood test came back positive, but with very low levels of pregnancy hormone. The doctor’s exact words were “almost none existant.” We had the sonogram and he was unable to see the baby or even the sac and also confirmed that it’s not an ectopic pregancy. How can this be? I still feel pregnant!!! My heart is breaking in two! Dr. LaStrap said that either one of two things could be happening. Either I didn’t get pregnant when I think I did or either the pregnancy isn’t viable and I will miscarry. I’m pretty positive about when I got pregnant, so it’s not that. We had more blood work done and she told me to call tomorrow for the results. She said my hormone level is 35 and it goes up everyday. By tomorrow it should have gone up instead of down if this pregnancy has a chance. Something inside of me tells me that that isn’t going to happen. Nothing in my life ever works out the way I want. Why should I expect this to be any different. I’m devastated and can’t understand why bad things always happen to me. Have I been such a bad person that I don’t deserve to be happy? Once again, reality is smacking me back into the present!

I don’t understand how this could be. I take 3 HPT and they all come back positive. Go to the doctor today and get the worse news of my life. Their test was negative. I’m not understanding how this is so. I’m still having all of the symptoms of being pregnant. I’ve been sitting and crying my eyes out all day long. I’ve grown to love this baby already as if I was holding him/her in my arms. I just don’t understand!

S came home from work to be with me. He doesn’t know what to do for me. I’m trying not to cry because I know he doesn’t want me to. I have to go back to the doctor tomorrow for a sonogram and get the results of the blood test. I’m trying to keep my hopes up, but my heart is breaking all the same. Lord, why me?