Has anyone had experience of of this.My wife likes her girls night out once week, and has go together in the past 2 years with a married old school friend, they use to visit different music venues and enjoy dancing etc, but now they have decided to frequent a former gay pub which still has gays going there. They have become friendly with several gay men and one in particular that is not in a relationship at the moment.No I saw some messanger messages from my wife to this gay man and it was all lovey dovey , missing you, sweet cheeks , babe , love you etc. so confronted her she just said they are like that. Anyway my wife has always been a facebook addict but has started to shield more if l am anywhere near, and since reading those text's on her phone has changed her password.This started alarm bells ringing she did have an affair some 25 years ago which she says she bitterly regrets so you can understand my concern if something out of the ordinary is going on. She is still cuddly in bed etc and we do do things and we are planning things for the house. But I did some checking and if anyone is familiar with messanger from facebook you would know that it is linked to an app on the phone so you can message friends even when not signed into facebook. I noticed one night when I went on my messanger that whilst she is at work the messanger against her name went active and off every 2 to 3 mins throughout the night and most of the morning, at first thought what is going on she is cheating on me, but I kept quiet because where she works they have cameras and other staff and are not suppose to have there phones on them sackable offence I think.Then I did another check the following night and she was on her facebook which I could see from a slight distant and so I went into messanger and saw she was active even though she was on the computer and just reading posts no messanager window was opening and she was typing anything did this a couple of times to make sure. hecked on google and found out that you can sign in to another computer or several under the same user name and password and suddenly clicked that someone else is using it in her name. Tackled her the next night she got angry red in face and denied that she was doing anything and none of her friends were up to anything I do not know how this happening she said, got her to change her password on facebook she reluctantly did.I do not believe she is having an affair but seems to like her friend and gay friend a lot, does look very much like someone her girl friend I think is using it to have a relationship with this gay man half their ages by the way, very strange but I believe to be true otherb things have shown it to be dodgy to say the least. I have come to a dead end because she is denying anything is going on and do not have 100% proof who is doing who or what . anyone else got any ideas. Do not like the deceit and lying one bit as I feel she is hiding something about her friend from me at all costs despite the fact it could damage our relationship.

She may well be very close to this gay guy and knows it will never lead to anything so is perhaps more inappropriate with him than she would be if you were standing in the room.

Or yes she could be covering for her friend. If she made a promise not to tell she is in an awkward position.

I think instead of playing detective you need to tell her you feel she has been shady and if she continues she is just going to compound your insecurity about the situation and it could cause trouble in your relationship

I have we have had several conversation' s and have highlighted my concerns she just gets angry and insists she doesn't fancy him and he his gay 100% she says. My concern if it is my wife being deceitful because she has a liking for this gay man she is in fact have an emotional affair. She says he is nice and polite etc but she has said she doesn't underdstand why gay men do what they do and if she saw two men kissing etc she would turn away. My Wife by the way is 60 this guy is 34.What I di nit understand is the extra secretive ways and also this messanger being active when she is not even using it, messanger only shows active when someone is actually typing a message or are in the app on then phone.

She may or may not cover for a friend but don't worry about her with gay men, women are usually comfortable with gay men because they are not a sexual threat to them. Whatever you do don't snoop on her private matters that will drive you apart and don't try to control her. Make sure you have plenty of good sex with her and allow her to have her own fantasies.

since this all began it has come to light that her friend was having problems with her marriage although they seem to be trying to get them sorted, so she was hiding texts, messages from her because obviously she was confiding in my wife, i know them both not well but enough, but what has upset me is that having been together 36 years she did not think to trust me with telling me something was going on , it is not as though i would get myself involved or say anything, l would have just said to her be careful about getting involved herself in someone else's problems. The only other thing that still also bugs me is the text messages to this gay man, and yes i know they can be lovey dovey and over the top but i still think my wife texting another man things like 'missing you' and 'love you' is inappropriate even to a gay man. She has made faces and said firmly she doesn't fancy him he is only interested in men etc. but that somehow makes it worse. Because if i was texting such things to say a lesbian friend l am sure she would not just dismiss it as being nothing.I have seen some text messages since those and they are much plainer and more just friendly with just the kiss at at end of messages so not sure why it has changed but obviously my mind works overtime and maybe as someone suggested she was liking having a man friend half her age as it was safe and in her words she is doing and done nothing wrong.

a fiend confided in her so to share that information with you would break the trust with her friendshe is obviously hearing your concerns and adjusting her behaviour accordingly with the textsI really would back off now or she will start to find you a nag and nothing pushes someone away quicker.try to stay calm and remember she comes home to you, make that somewhere she wants to be not a place where she dreads what she is going to get moaned at next

Thank you all for your comments they are extremely helpful and great to get nuetral feedback. I know my shortcomings and patience is not my strong point but her going off the rails all those years ago obviously makes me very wary of changes in our relationship, it was not just an affair she went and moved in with a man and left our two daughters with me she was gone for 10 months, when that fizzled out which i knew it would l had to make the decision of trying to make a go of it a second time.We did and in general have been very happy for the past 25 years but any slight affair emotional or otherwise would be the end for us i could not be put through that again as i am sure you would all agree.I did explain to her the texts using those words were inappropriate to say the least and would have been considered an affair if to a straight man no matter how gays are with their emotions telling someone else you love them and are missing them is not friend to friend no matter what their sexual preference. I hope she has listened and thanks again for your help and look forward to any more feedback given.

I completely agree with how you feel about the texts. I think your course of action - explaining clearly how they make you feel and what you think about them - is exactly right. You've been moderate and reasonable, and it sounds as though she has changed her behaviour, at least for now. I'm not sure what else you can do really, except monitor the situation.

These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

My anxiety is made worse by the over protective attitude she has to her mobile phone, always seeing where i am before entering her passcode or turning away when entering it, as though she is still hiding something which makes my insecurity worse and i have tried to tell her that. I do understand that it maybe just the fact she doesnt want me to invade her private space and there is nothing untoward on her phone but by god does it make me suspicious when she acts like this.

i think you just need to saythose who have nothing to hide hide nothingshe is the one that needs to build trust again as she is the one who has gone outside the normal boundaries.

HAve you asked her if there is anything you can do to better your relationship? At this point you will need to listen, digest, go away and think and then respond to whatever she says. Don't have a knee jerk reaction if she says something you don't like

She has stopped the practice of shielding her phone and being over protective towards it, this seems to coincide with the fact her friend and her husband seem to have turned a corner and are sorting themselves out since new year. I do want to improve our relationship but not very good at handling it as i tend to go to far the other way by being over attentive when we are not always like that but have said we need to do more things together and weekends should be for us as during the week we see little of each other due to our work patterns. Just really need reassurance from her and know that l need to change and that l have not always been the one to do things with her even simple things so am trying my best, just hope l can approach it properly and not over power her if that makes sense.