Hi, I just signed up, this looks like the perfect place for some guidance and advice. Thank you.
My husband and I have been married ten years and we have a daughter together. For the past few years I noticed we didn't act like a couple any more, sex had stopped and my husband spent a lot of time just listening to music downstairs while I went to bed exhausted from my day.
At the beginning of this year we had a big argument, I had upset his family as they made some decisions about our daughter I wasn't happy with. He was ready to leave the marriage and we went to counselling. It helped, I agreed to make changes and we agreed to draw a line under these past few years and start a fresh, making more priority to being a couple. We started going out again, talking more, we went abroad.. it was great. However last week I found that from last year he'd joined multiple dating sites looking for 'sexy fun'. And the one that really upset me is that just before Christmas he messaged a prostitute. I saw the messages and he put in to detail exactly what he wanted and that he was willing to pay extra if it went 'over time'. I spoke to this woman myself yesterday and she says that she definitely did not meet him. I believe her. She was very open and confirmed he had messaged her.
What hurts is that he never brought up how unhappy he was. I found out all of this myself. He wants me to draw a line under all of this aswell but I don't know how I can trust him again. I had no idea things had got to this point.
I feel he's so selfish for putting his needs above everyone else's. He was willing to pay even though he'd been telling me to cut back on spending!
He asked me, why haven't I kicked him out already? I don't know. Maybe it's too soon to make any rational decisions. I would like to remain married to him if I know I can trust him and we've now identified the problems that were in our marriage. I don't know if he will try to change though. He says he's not perfect, he's admitted he was wrong, didn't deny anything, he says marriage is a whole new thing to him and he's just learning. Well marriage is new to me too but I haven't made mistakes like this!

I wonder if your husband has found it difficult to raise the subject of your tiredness and sex? itís a very sensitive subject to talk about as I have found with my husband recently. He is the one who wonít openly talk about his feelings on this topic. He just told me to go elsewhere for sex if it bothers me. That piece of advice wasnít what I wanted to hear really!

Perhaps your husband felt he would be rejected by any suggestions of sex and just buried his head in the sand rather than possibly face an emotional discussion. I think the fact that he messaged a prostitute but didnít actually meet her in the end at least demonstrates that he was perhaps frustrated but not serious about going through with it.

I understand how you feel about the trust issues now but perhaps his behaviour was a cry for a little love and attention. Admittedly he went about it the wrong way because he should have spoken to you about how he felt so that you had the chance to make some positive changes.

He admits heís made a mistake and that he is learning so perhaps things can slowly recover from this? Maybe find some quality time together when you arenít tired and rebuild an intimate relationship again. Iím assuming you once shared a loving relationship so Iím guessing you can get back to the good times once again.

Well, I have to hand it to him for admitting his mistake, but he has to go further than just an admission.

If your husband wants to rebuild trust, he needs to voluntarily submit to scrutiny of his activities. To be completely open and honest about where he goes (even if it's a cyber destination), what he does, how he does it.

In my mind, you should set this up on an action/reward basis. Formulate in your own mind, at what future time, if he has been completely open and honest with you, that you will restore your trust and not require the scrutiny.

Thank you both for your answers. It's been a while since I posted the original post and I kind of still feel the same. The reason he didn't actually see this woman he'd messaged wasn't because he couldn't go through with it but because she didn't reply. He had tried on many occasions to book her and she just didn't accept for some reason.
There were also messages to another woman via a dating site but all the messages had been deleted (it said 17 messages deleted) I have no idea what else went on and despite him claiming over and over again that nothing happened with any of these women, I'm finding it hard to believe. Since then I went through his computer and found photos of himself and I don't think he was being honest about those either. He says they were profile pictures for some of the sites but he didn't use them.
I just feel there's this whole other side to him. However.. since we've started afresh and become more in tune with each other's needs, we have been closer than ever before. Maybe I just need time to come to terms with it all. I just have this nagging feeling that he wasn't honest with me when I asked if everything he'd told me was true or if there was more I don't know about. I guess that's where trust comes in.
He's agreed to go to psychosexual counselling to learn about communication when it comes to subjects like this and to figure out why he thought that acting on these urges would be the best answer.
I'm seriously considering whether this is the kind of marriage I want to be in. It's so sad as I love him so deeply. I can't imagine loving anyone else. I've been very clingy with him since finding out. He's been more affectionate and reassuring too. I feel so torn about what to do.
Do I just need to let it go and try one last time?

You cannot "just let it go". You need to negotiate with your husband to get the truth to the level at which you can know everything you are forgiving, and make an appropriate decision based upon the whole story.

Then, you need to figure out some appropriate requests for your husband going forward. Accountability, shared passwords, the things which would make you feel secure in the truth of what he has told you. Means by which you can verify what he says.

At some future point, the verification process should stop. But, I don't think a period of 2 or 3 years is unreasonable to negotiate for.

If you don't give it a "negotiated" and "educated" try, then any "try" will be insufficient to meet your security needs going forward in your marriage. I'm afraid you will regret not giving the negotiated and educated "try" if you don't.

Quote:

Originally Posted by twinkletwinkle

I guess that's where trust comes in.

No. Dr. Phil once made a comment that he has a dog who he would trust with his life, but not with his sandwich

Your husband has not kept his promise of fidelity. There is no possible way in which you can "trust" him with this. If it is possible to "trust" him in other aspects of your life together, then exercise trust there. But, for the present distress, VERIFY when it relates to his fidelity. With his permission and his agreement to allow verification.

He must know that you aren't imposing a "life sentence", but that he must EARN your trust in regards to his fidelity to you and to his marriage.

Last edited by TJW; 23rd August 2017 at 07:55 PM.
Reason: add further comment

Ask him if he would take a polygraph test to help put your mind at rest.See what his reaction is. If he agrees, then do some research to find someone reliable and experienced in this. To be honest, if he didn't actually meet them and have sex it wasn't for lack of trying. What will he do the next time things aren't too good in the marriage?
I am very strong on faithfulness, I have seen far too much destruction and heartache and tragedy in my own family due to this sort of behaviour
Its hard to trust someone who hasn't shown themselves to be trustworthy. It sounds as if he didn't come clean to you, but that you found out. Its easy to be sorry once you are caught, that's not remorse.