One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple."

The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks.

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.

While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why there was a difference in the number of feathers in the Indians' headdresses. So she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress.

He explained, "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather".

Feeling the first redskin was only joking she posed the same question to another brave who had two feathers in his headdress and he replied, "Me have two women; two women . two feathers".

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Based upon the previous two explanations Ms.Walters was quite intrigued to hear what the Chief had to say.

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secret...guys feel left out. That's right...left out. There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created.

March 8th is now officially "Steak & Blowjob Day." Simple, effective and self-explanatory... this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak and a BJ.

That's it. This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will
usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder
in February to ensure a more memorable March! It's like a perpetual love
machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little
push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love
and peace to this crazy world.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and
all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver." Jack Handy
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're going to feel all day." Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with
his fools." Ernest Hemingway
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
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"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When
we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" Brian O'Rourke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin
Franklin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE GET SOME SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot of the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in
more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*#-faced from all
of the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic Chili
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb b*#$h is
starting to look HOT!, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really peeves me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming. Damn those rednecks.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*# myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that #*@# Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I'm worried about
judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slides unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh&#
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
through the four inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to
make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

Pete's earlier reference to Viagra was timely. There was a truckload of the stuff hijacked today in Virginia. They got away and haven't been found since. The police report they are searching for a group of hardened criminals.