Friday, August 12, 2005

(1) Jessica Simpson. 12 images.OK!'s $200,000.00 isn't quite enough to pull Our Savior from Us's claws. Last week I made the chilling remark that Jessica could do real harm if used for evil. Today I'm happy to report that she's done quite the opposite. Scroll down to read about how she's going to save the world! Thank you, Jessica. Thank you. Please note that one of Jess's twelve is on a Business Reply Mail card for an Us subscription. Debate that all you want, she wins either way.

(2) Jennifer Aniston. 10 images.Recall that last week cover-girl Jen got her ass handed to her on a silver tray balanced on Angeline Jolie's prostrate nude back while Brad Pitt did something truly obscene just outside of view. I was really pulling for a Kill Bill style revenge drama this week. You gave it an impressive try, Jen, and I commend you, but you are simply no match for Our Savior. If you have any hopes of kissing the gold next week, try doing something good (like, um, saving the world! - what, do I hafta spell it out for you? Jeez!).

(3) Salma Hayek. 8 images.While owing a great deal to the fact that she's hot, the real reason for Hayek's impressive showing is as simple as, "Salma Throws a Party!" Celebrating new Latin talent, Hayek was shrewd enough to invite Us, and sometimes that's all it takes to ribbon here.

(5) Jennifer Garner. 6 images.(tie) Scarlett Johansson. 6 images.(tie) Hilary Duff. 6 images.Briefly, Garner's pregnant with Ben Affleck's demonseed, and Johansson is now a big enough star to have earned numerous snickering nicknames relating to her cleavage. What THE HELL happened this week?!? Hil to the Duff? The Micronian Queen? They've gotta be kidding me! No one cares about her! Sure, she's got a greatest hits album coming out next week, but you didn't even know that! I've now reached my daily allottment of exclamation points, which means I have nothing further to say on the matter. (They charge through the nose for overage.)

LiLo appears only once. Paris twice, and not until page 70. Nicole racks up a whopping three shots. So glad I cut my ties last week. Believe me, it hurt me more than it did them, but y'know there's really only so much you can do for these girls.

Because the world is both saved and upside-fucking-down, I submit no predictions for the coming week.

UPDATE: Fine, you want crazy, Us?!? Is that what you want? I'll give you crazy!!! Next week I call the top placers as follows: (1) Debra Messing!!! (2) Hilary Duff!!! (3) Ashlee Simpson!!! And just try and bill me for the extra exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!