Taking
A Dump

Also see The
Shit List for more great
humor on this "regular" part of daily life.

I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod
your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not
all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.....

The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the
perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down
expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less
masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an
Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that
it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in
the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and
is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22.
What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an
odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked
flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes
out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally
making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield.
Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you've finished and reach for the
tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you.
Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone
would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too
bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that
every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks
tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll.
Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your
socks!

The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a
column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly
unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of
water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of
wiping.

The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the
aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking
over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You
sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again.
You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying
to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do:
1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some
Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit
there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy
bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in
the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his
umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives,
friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some
clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to
emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release,
try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the
floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump

You've finished but there's one damn morsel
that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle.
You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there,
suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water
below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't
enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen
times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your
toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash
clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush,
wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel
another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain
call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has
disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole
thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you
don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.