Jayson woke up. It was time to get his first starter Pokémon. He got out of the bed, slicked back his jet black hair, and precipitously burst out the door of his room. He ran to the door.
"Mom, it's time for me to get my starter!" he shouted.
"Okay, you have fun now. Call me when you get it!" She replied.
He burst through the door, excitedly running to Oak's lab.
"Professor! I'm here for my starter!"
He halted to a stop as he entered the famous laboratory.
He gazed at the Pokéballs excitedly.
Charmander-Bulbasaur-Squirtle. Charmander-Bulbasaur-Squirtle. It rhythmically repeated itself in Jayson's head.
"Mr. Oak, I... I like Bulbasaur." He nervously wondered if he made the right decision. A first Pokémon can have a huge impact on a trainer's success.
"Sure. Take it. It's yours." Oak said.
"Bulbasaur, I'm going to win the Pokémon league with you." He gazed at the Pokéball, an excited expression on his face.
Jayson preciptously burst through the door, and jogged to the Pokémon center. He ran to the phones.
"Mom, I got a Bulbasaur!" He phoned his mom.
"That's great honey! Some advice; the nearest gym is in Pewter city."
"Ok, mom."
He hung up.He ran through route 1 to Viridian city. He went into the Viridian forest.

Last edited by Ghett0 on Fri Nov 16, 2007 9:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

Thu Nov 15, 2007 2:10 pm

The Obsidian Wolf

Pokemon Master

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 amPosts: 1559Location: Dragon's Den

Well, it's short and lacks a lot of detail, for a start, but my main concern is this:

What is going to make this stand out from every other fanfic that a half-interested Pokemon-fan has written from all the other fanfics that are like this? I mean, this is going to be a 'and then they got to Brock's Gym and character x used Pokemon x and beat him, and then they went through Mt. Moon and kicked Team Rocket out, and then...'

It needs a bit of spark, something to make it different. So far, all I know about the character is that he has hair, and not much else. Oh, he also now has a Bulbasaur that currently has no bond with the trainer.

This needs either a companion, or a brilliant plot for this to attract readers.

_________________

"Play with fire and expect to be burned."

Thu Nov 15, 2007 3:26 pm

Thunder_dude7

Pokemon Ranger

Joined: Mon Aug 20, 2007 7:17 amPosts: 508

WAY too much dialog.

Not much description.

Professor Oak said nothing until he took the Bulbasaur, which is unrealistic.

Why did he call his mom to tell her about his new Pokemon? Couldn't he just run back to his house in two seconds?

One tip to improve a character's actions: Think of every step involved. For example:

Bad wrote:

Crystal got her backpack and walked to school.

Good wrote:

Crystel got up, walked over to the closet, grabbed her backpack, and walked out the door. She looked up at the beautiful autumn trees as she greeted Mr. Fox, who was mowing his lawn on his tractor. She entered the doors to her school, and headed over to her classroom.

Note that doing that sort of thing will improve the length problem as well. I find that the length isn't ever actually the issue, it's the other mistakes that tend to shorten the chapter. Follow the other steps, and that problem will almost never come up.

Author's corner: In response to Obs, this is more than a basic they beat Brock
they beat Misty etc. then they win the Pokemon league.

Jayson walked into the forest. It was called Viridian Forest, according to the sign. Jayson looked to his right. Red eyes glared at him through the leaves. The darkness swept his soul; he was about to pass out. He could feel the dark eyes scanning his body. It's as if; the darkness of the creature had manifested itself in Jayson's soul. He reached for his Bulbasaur's Pokéball, and through it out on the ground. A flash of red lights appeared.
"Be careful, Bulbasaur."
It's as if the fear in Bulbasaur actually was visible. Bulbasaur trembled; he collapsed to the ground and winced, to Jayson's horror. Jayson felt disturbed.
He called back Bulbasaur. His body felt numb, the world around him seemed to spin. The darkness emerged; it was a white creature with red eyes, and it had pictures of death and destruction emanating from it, and piercing Jayson, going into his mind; so that he saw just blood and corpses. He wanted to punch it in the face and knock it out, and run, but
the darkness that was almost visible held him back. He fell to the ground, and lay there, unconscious..... He woke up, staring into darkness. He saw; he
saw the creature and it's full darkness. It's eyes beamed him in the face. He
couldn't move. He could still talk.
"Go, Bulbasaur..get....him...with...vine.....whip........."
Lights flashed from the Pokéball; Bulbasaur emerged, and threw it's vines at the creature. He wrapped the creature up tight, enough to cut off a normal person's blood stream.
"There are many more though, of me.... about a hundred and forty---"
The vines ripped through his skin, and he disintegrated into to darkness. The darkness engulfed Jayson. but he found himself laying on the floor of the Viridian Forest.
"A mortal's own soul cannot comprehend my power...now..your..soul..is..mine...."
It echoed through his brain, and pierced his inner consciousness like a bullet.

Am I being overly paranoid, or does this seem to have a little echo of de ja vu about it?

And Ghetto, the part that I rated had nothing to suggest that it would be more than what I suggested, and the title doesn't help it either. It seems that you're making this story up as you go along (considering this 'darkness' (that seems rather familiar to me, I wonder why...) was not alluded to in the actual title itself.

The title is saying only that this is going to be the adventures of a trainer on his way to the Indigo League, nothing else. This is something of a suprise, and the fact you edited the title further shows that you're making this up as you go along.

Now for the actual critique:

You switch between tenses, it makes it sound weird.

Quote:

It's as if the fear in Bulbasaur actually was visible. Bulbasaur trembled;

The blue colour, you have written in present tense, the red you have put in past. It doesn't flow, and it's grammatically incorrect.

Quote:

"There are many more though, of me.... about a hundred and forty---"

Seriously, if some odd beast was coming along to 'steal my soul ' (very original) then I would be wandering..."why the hell is this thing being so damn specific?"

REally, would a creature this dark and scary be giving specifics? It makes the mysticism lost entirely.

Oh, and the whole thing isn't clear. I thought that that voice I just quoted was from the main character (who I still know nothing other than his hair is black.)

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