Dan Shortridge

Dan has taken a brief respite from writing anything remotely
serious. Instead, he submits this entirely tongue-in-cheek poem and
wishes everyone a happy new year!

Lesbians Have It Easy

Lesbians have it easy.
They can understand each other.

Gay men have it easy.
They don't have to try to understand women.

But us hetero and bi people have it tough.
We can't just ignore women,
Pretending they're another species
From another planet.

At some point in our lives,
we're going to fall in love with a woman.
We're going to have to understand them.
(Or at least try.)

They don't say what they mean.
Or if they do it's in code.
Or a foreign language.
Lesbians don't have to translate.

They have mood swings.
Lesbians understand what they're going through.
I'm glad someone does because I sure as hell don't.

They have poofy hair
And straight hair
And curly hair
And short hair
And long hair
And Scully hair
And occasionally they shave their heads.
I really don't understand that.

If I'm not making any sense to you,
I apologize.
Women make me confused sometimes.
A lot of times.
My stomach turns inside out and I start
Speaking gibberish.
They're witches, I'm convinced.
Lesbians must cancel out each others' spells.

I'm not going to write any more.
Or I'm going to get my ass kicked by my best friends.
(They're women.)