Friday, August 8, 2014

Hello my sweet Carter,
I awoke today to no less than 8 emails wishing you a happy 1st birthday. Obviously the day that you came into the world was not today, but 1 year and 3 months ago. These emails were a shock to my heart. I found myself today at work getting choked up when I looked in the mirror and behind me was the very pregnant co-worker watching me work.
I met up with your grandma L, she misses you very very much. We are both having a hard time because a second baby was born a few days ago to the family. It is hard Carter. It is hard enough to not see you and have you, it is even harder to see other people get to have their happy babies. Your grandma L, and great grandma A are having trouble being happy for my cousins who will definitely be great parents. I guess great grandma A didn't sound happy. She said that she was waiting for a call to come with the bad news like you.. When you died, great grandma A said she prayed to the heavens for a miracle, and to please take her instead. I wouldn't have wanted that at all. As much as I wish you were here I wouldn't trade you, or anyone.
The odd thing is that both babies in the family were born 1 year apart on the same date. Speaking of babies, the 1 year old baby's mom is pregnant AGAIN. The statistics on that fact are astonishing, and yet I was not surprised but it still made me feel like crap.... How can she get knocked up so easy and I keep trying and trying......
I am a pro at changing diapers now shouldn't that give me some kind of leway and allow for me to "graduate" into second child status....

I hung out with your grandma L today, and grandpa R. Grandma L and I cried and cried today over you, and the new babies. Grandpa R and I talked about babies and my inability to get pregnant. He thinks it will happen soon, and by the time we go to Italy in the spring.

Anyway, Just wanted to pop in and tell you that I think about you always.... Your Dad's, Dad grandpa R was saying that one of his co-workers first son died, she said she always thinks about him and that it never changes. I don't want to forget you, and you are with me in every step of my life. I <3 you Carter, I always will.