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We took tips from “Undateable,” by Ellen Rakieten and Anne Coyle, to evaluate Arnie Nieves’ male-functioning wardrobe. Photo: Zandy Mangold

Horrified by a blind date flashing the huge gold chain, novelty belt buckle and Ed Hardy wear? Or are you mystified by fellows who come courting in guylights (male frosted tips), mandanas (bandanas on a dude), jorts (jean shorts) or even a bad toupee?

Well, you’re not alone, ladies. There’s a specific category for these man-gressions, and two women — one looking, one not — have written a book about these men: “Undateable,” out Tuesday.

In it, authors Ellen Rakieten and Anne Coyle list 311 different ways a man can “guarantee” he won’t be dating or having sex. Warning: These descriptions might be too graphic for sensitive readers.

“I had a date,” recalls single-and-looking Coyle, “and the third time he started stealing the ketchup and mustards off the diner table, I was like, ‘What are you doing?’ ” She confesses that about 95 percent of her suitors are undateable.

Don’t even get her started on the Soul Patch Guy. “My friends were like, ‘Anne, he can shave it off.’ My response was: ‘The problem is, I can’t shave the part of his brain that thinks that wearing this is a good idea.’ ”

Co-author Rakieten is married to a TV producer who’s worked on everything from the critically acclaimed “Oprah Winfrey Show” to the widely panned “Marriage Ref,” but, for once, she wants men to take the blame for dating disasters.

“There’s a slew of books about everything women do wrong,” she says. “We’re just trying to say there’s things that men do . . .”

“. . . that aren’t helping your cause,” Coyle finishes.

Take Arnie Nieves, a 27-year-old facilities worker at The Post who sports so many of the “undateable” crimes, we’ve frankly stopped counting. He defends his look this way: “Basically, I don’t understand. Tank tops and wife-beaters? Those are great for the summertime, man. The bling? I like to rock things on my neck. They don’t like tattoos? I’m very upset about that.”

But when we scoured the streets of New York for other fashion male-functions, The Post found that certain harsh truths in the book rang true.