Diminutive Fluff-heads Deployed in bid to Tackle Road Rage

The government is piloting a new scheme to reduce the blood pressure and stress levels of drivers on Britain’s rural roads, it has been revealed.

Very small, grey-haired people are being paid to drive at a minimum of 20 mph under the national speed limit, in an attempt to delay drivers who are in a hurry to get to appointments, jobs, interviews, and other unimportant events.

Research carried out by the Institute of Studies has shown that by crawling along in cars that look like they are driving themselves due to the diminutive stature of the driver, elderly motorists force the impatient drivers behind to slow down, thereby affording them more time to admire our nation’s wonderful array of flora and fauna—as well as the clouds in the sky and the white fluff on the tiny wobbly head barely visible ahead of them.

A spokesperson for the scheme stated that “being forced to slow down to a snail’s pace when you are irretrievably late is good for the soul.” The therapeutic impact of the reduced blood pressure of aggressive drivers has yet to be fully measured, but the scheme is set to be rolled out to include the middle lane of motorways, and the wrong lane of roundabouts.