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You need to shake some of that paranoid stuff and
get one of those 'See America' Greyhound passes...
if they still have them. Ride until you are bored. Get
off a bit until you are bored (day or 2 maybe?) and
repeat a few/bunch of times. As a kid some of the
most fascinating people I met were on the buses and
trains. My first plane ride was WOW, then after that
boring, the people snooty or talking down.

Refuji, Washington DC is a fucking overrated cesspool of zombie-like government stooges and uptight people driving expensive cars like reckless fuckheads in the midst of horrible traffic. And the supposedly "mild weather" really means you're just getting the worst of everything. x_x Oh, AND living around there is expensive as all get-out. (Have fun paying 1000/month for an apartment filled with roaches, mice, garbage, and appliances/structures that are faulty.)

DC is good for employment opportunities and ideological liberalism but that's about it.

There's a good reason why I'm looking to hit up the west coast when I'm finished my studies.

if that's the case then i'll look towards elsewhere. maybe further down south or up north or out west. jersey isn't really a bad place to live for the most part. it's that there is a negative atmosphere that surrounds this place. very negative. people are five times more miserable up here. when i went down to dc last friday, it shocked me how negative jersey was because everybody seemed to be all cool and friendly. in jersey, people for the most part will be rude assholes and douchebags to you for no reason other than "they're just keeping it real". after that short trip, it was time for a scenery change. i most definitely will be traveling around more often to look into places where i can move to.

Originally Posted by Lefty

Gosh Raz...

How do you really feel about D.C. and its suburbs?

Fuji,

You need to shake some of that paranoid stuff and
get one of those 'See America' Greyhound passes...
if they still have them. Ride until you are bored. Get
off a bit until you are bored (day or 2 maybe?) and
repeat a few/bunch of times. As a kid some of the
most fascinating people I met were on the buses and
trains. My first plane ride was WOW, then after that
boring, the people snooty or talking down.

most definitely will be doing that. i actually want to go out to colorado, south carolina, texas, florida, arizona and california next year. thinking about going back to school where i can go off to college in another state.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

if that's the case then i'll look towards elsewhere. maybe further down south or up north or out west. jersey isn't really a bad place to live for the most part. it's that there is a negative atmosphere that surrounds this place. very negative. people are five times more miserable up here. when i went down to dc last friday, it shocked me how negative jersey was because everybody seemed to be all cool and friendly. in jersey, people for the most part will be rude assholes and douchebags to you for no reason other than "they're just keeping it real". after that short trip, it was time for a scenery change. i most definitely will be traveling around more often to look into places where i can move to.

Muther fuckin cock suckin stupid cunt faced piece of retarded shit the best part of you ran down you fuckin mothers legs and crusted on her worksite -- the whore.... cut me off at eighty JUST to get a car length ahead of the next guy.... fuck you... I should just run your ass off the road .....bitch

Man that feels good....

cheers

Everyone can be great, because everyone can serve.~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

My buddy has a dog he rarely gets out to exercise. I took her along biking today. The bitch has a habit of zigging or zagging right in front of my bike -- twice she just about got me wrecked!

Dumb dog.

"Thirty-one* states allow all qualified citizens to carry concealed weapons. In those states, homosexuals should embark on organized efforts to become comfortable with guns, learn to use them safely and carry them. They should set up Pink Pistols task forces, sponsor shooting courses and help homosexuals get licensed to carry. And they should do it in a way that gets as much publicity as possible. "

Muther fuckin cock suckin stupid cunt faced piece of retarded shit the best part of you ran down you fuckin mothers legs and crusted on her worksite -- the whore.... cut me off at eighty JUST to get a car length ahead of the next guy.... fuck you... I should just run your ass off the road .....bitch

Man that feels good....

cheers

okay wait, where is overland park? cause i think we had that driver in edmonton today too….

i love my mom but she sets herself up for these shitty situations that she gets into. here she is stressing and pulling her hair about what happened at her job BUT yet here she is telling my sociopathic father her business as if he's her friend. for real. why the fuck is she talking to this dude about her job? he ain't your fucking friend. you're running from one set of crazy people into another. the people @ your job are fucking with you and yet you're running to the same jackass that puts you down like he's your fucking friend. i hate hearing him talk too. you can hear the evil in his voice. he doesn't mean her well at all. he's only out for himself and he's basically playing her ass out like a fucking puppet on a string. literally acting like he cares and then pushing her into the mud the next minute for his enjoyment and to be in control. fuck him.

can't wait for the day i get the hell out of here. this is just sickening. i just hope my mom fucking smartens up. she's had a long time to smarten up though. she still makes the same fucking mistakes though. one of them is trying to give my father the benefit of the doubt. you see how he is. you know what he does and yet you still fucking do the same bullshit around him.

then you spaz on me about what's bothering you. leave that sociopathic monster alone. he called "wicked people" yet his ass is worse than them. we know they're shitty. he's shitty too but let him go and admit how much of a fucked up person he is. my mom basically is enabling your punk sociopathic ass. it's disgusting. i'm going to talk to my mom about this shit because this is fucked up. why the hell are you leaning for comfort from a man that is using and abusing you?

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

Consider it a cautionary tale. It's easy to say you won't follow in their footsteps, but make damn sure you're not practicing some dances of your own that should be left behind.

Lex

you are right. in fact, i am caught up in it myself as i am at home still unable to be independent for myself while i'm dependent on others.

in a sense, i am just as fucked up as my father is on the dependent front. the big difference between him and me is i'm well aware that i'm in the wrong and want to change my situation. it actually makes me embarrassed and ashamed to say that as a 26 year old man, i'm still living at home with my parents, don't have a career job or a job, have no money, used to work a shitty job that i couldn't survive with and am behind in life for someone of my age. hell, to be able to be out on my own, pay my bills, take care of an apartment or a house or whatever and be able to say that "i can take care of myself" to me is fun. i want to be the one that's stressed out, pissed and angry complaining about having to work everyday to pay off bills, having to do the shopping, running all over the place, and etc. then when i get a boyfriend or whatever. he can be just as independent as i am where he isn't dependent on me.

it is embarrassing to be dependent on somebody where i can't cook my dinner, can't say that i pay the bills at home, and basically be independent. yesterday evening, when i was cooking chopmeat for dinner, i was having an orgasm thinking about what it would be like to be out on my own. i was actually getting envious of my mother where she earned the right to say that she runs the family. she pretty much runs her husband and her two sons and this is HER house. she pays almost all of the bills with the exception of the mortgage which my father particularly pays where my mother pays the rest. my father likes to overexaggerate his responsibility and his importance talking about "how he pays the mortgage all the time, how he works hard and etc" when it's far from the truth. he prides himself on being able to control other people to do what he wants them to do for his enjoyment. i don't even feel comfortable being around him at all. he's just a guy who you cannot lean on especially seeing how he is to my mom.

my father has actually made me scared to date other people in fear that i might get into a relationship as fucked as my parents marriage. i don't want to be like my mother and i sure as hell don't want to be like my father, basically using and abusing. i would rather be single for the rest of my life than to be in their type of relationship. hell, i don't even want to date anybody being in where i'm at now and i think guys understand that. i don't want to be the one that's dragging along or having someone else take care of me. if i'm going to date, i want to mess with someone who is in a similar boat where we both live @ home with our parents, struggling to find work. if i date someone who is way better off than me, i would be looking @ with the face like... "why would you want to date a jobless 26 year old that still lives @ home with his parents when you're in a way much better place in life than i am? you MUST really see something in me."

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

You know where you want to be. You know (I think) the steps to getting there. Now it's just a matter of taking them.

Lex

i want to be able to throw anything on the stove such as fish or whatever else without going like "damn, i can't cook fish." i can basically have a wide variety of things to cook. your recipe is a start towards that goal but i want to be a beast like how my mom is in the kitchen and on top of that, i can go to the supermarket and buy the food. so i want to learn how to cook more things where i can be like "i know how to cook thanksgiving dinner".

i know the steps of getting there. it's that i just want to go from a to z as quick as possible but i can't. no job, no money, and even if i did have a job with money, don't think it would be enough for me to move out with just yet. i just need to save up some money for a decent car first off. then with that, i can figure out where i'm going to go back to school and see if i can probably get student housing. then there's also the student loans i have to pay back which is 24k.

i'm thinking about touching that car accident money i had like 10 years ago to buy me a cheap car.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

I don't have much in the way of a repertoire when it comes to cooking - that chicken dish, burgers and fries, chili, fried rice, pork tenderloin, spam casserole. And most of those I need the recipe in front of me to make sure I don't botch it. But I've got the internet, and I've got the ability to follow a recipe. So I have no trouble looking up a recipe on my phone, buying the ingredients, and following the recipe to make it. No, it may not be perfect or effortless, but that comes with practice. My fried rice was pretty lame the first time I made it - now I have people who want to come over each time I make it.

Why a car first? That seems like an odd place to start. Yeah, it's some freedom, but it's also a new stack of bills.

well, as the hurricane comes in. i'm going to keep it real. i know i've said this early in the year around march or whatever. i also knew i needed it. went to the shrink and whatever BUT i realize that i may have to bite the bullet and get myself some psychiatric or psychological help. you know, i'm going to submit. thought that i could do it on my own, thought that i could walk this out BUT i can't.

it's sort of the same thing like how i battled my homosexuality only to realize that nothing that i tried was working on getting rid of it. i had to accept myself. well, this is the same exact thing except i'm basically admitting that i have a problem, am willing to let it go and get help.

however, unlike this go round, i think i'll be willing to allow myself to accept the treatment that i need and accept the truth about myself that i don't want to deal with. i THINK i've had depression for the longest time looking at it now because i was one miserable camper as a teen. VERY MISERABLE. not 100% sure but i think that's what's been fucking with me for all these years. i think that may be what has me getting angry, spazzing off on people, getting irritated, being moody, not wanting to do anything, and whatever. i've been trying to find ways of how to deal with it BUT i have to accept the fact that my ways of dealing with it are NOT helping me. they have made me into a worse person. i would also say that there's a chance that i might not be depressed depressed though as in there's some days that i am able to have the energy to do whatever. i'll feel great, ready to do whatever, and get up out the house. the thing that makes me wonder is could i be suffering from mild depression, anxiety, or possibly bipolar disorder. i don't THINK i'm bipolar though because from what i've read and screening test that i took online, they said i wasn't that. depression, possibly. bipolar, no.

another thing that i was trying to do to counteract the way that i was feeling was to not masturbate. back when i was 13, i was ashamed with myself because i masturbated. i've been doing it since i was 8 but when i reached puberty, i started to get this idea that masturbation was wrong. i guess the teachings at that catholic school or somewhere else made me feel that way. when i discovered that i might have been gay, that was one blow so i curbed my behavior because of it. when i gathered this idea that masturbation was wrong, it made me feel even worse. i had all these issues that were fucking with me at the time. i didn't know how to deal with them so i did my best to deal with them. i thought that masturbation was the reason why i was getting bad grades in my freshman year of high school, that it made me lethargic where i was incredibly slow and sluggish moving around, that that was the reason why i was sleepy all the time, and etc. NOW that i look at it, i was suffering from depression. i thought that not masturbating would cure that. i was also eating sugar to make myself more energetic in order to make myself energetic. i also taught myself that it wasn't okay to cry, to hide my feelings and that it was okay to be angry instead. i continued on this route, combine that with other issues and here you have me today wondering where i went wrong.

you know, i was actually thinking about giving up masturbation or blaming masturbation on why i'm so lazy, am not doing the things that i'm supposed to be doing and why i was a certain way. basically looking for a scapegoat and not accepting that i REALLY have a problem. i AM depressed and it has actually fucked me over in a major way.

the only thing is i need to figure out. i know i talked about this before but i have no insurance now. even when i did have insurance, it wasn't covered by the hospitals over here. i don't know if it would be a good idea to walk into a hospital facility and asked to deal with the crisis intervention people. i don't know what to do to be honest but i know i need help because this is going to get worse.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry

Depression isn't always a constant. Even during my worst stretches of depression, I had good days and bad days. Also, masturbation is just you enjoying you. Playing fantasy time, having an orgasm, enjoying being a "sexual creature" if you will. No more no less.

You might just go online and do a search for "low-cost therapy (your city)". I'm guessing this is a better use of your coin than a car.

my laziness has no bounds. i've sat here literally looking at the same three sites for the past 3 hours. all i do all day is wake up, eat, jerk off, take a shit, shower, and on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays, go to the gym. this is pathetic. when i was working, i would just go to work on the weekends. smh. i still can't get myself up to get out of my room and take a shower. applied to some jobs today, looking for work, i should be studying the LSAT right now, was about to but i don't feel like it.

hell, i have the urge to piss but i'm too lazy to get up to head to the bathroom which is only just steps away.

once again, i didn't do anything today and i don't even feel bad or care for that matter. i should be feeling bad and embarrassed but it's like whatever. i'm acting like a bum because if you kick me out of here, i am one.

Has people's personal space expanded in the past few years? What's the deal with everyone saying "excuse me" when you are 10 feet away from them. Is this something to do with overusage of smartphones? Next time I am going to get withing 2 feet of them and see what happens!

well old pard, from time to time you do get a bit opinionated...not that I
would ever be guilty of doing something like that...

OH???
This is a discussion forum with people having opinions and stuff???

{was that subtle enough?)

Fuji you will spend the next three days studying and a trip to the gym
and sorting Job Applicant clothes to wear Monday. You will get that stanky
ass in the shower and scrub it all from that thick head to the bottoms of
those flat feet.

Do you get the picture? If you fail to comply Don 'Q' and and Sixthson
down to give you a serious taking too.

When I've been at the supermarket lately--I WISH people would give me more personal space when standing in line. I swear I'm waiting to check out--and the person behind is practically fucking me at the register! And even worse--it's usually women!

When I've been at the supermarket lately--I WISH people would give me more personal space when standing in line. I swear I'm waiting to check out--and the person behind is practically fucking me at the register! And even worse--it's usually women!

Wow - maybe I have bad body odour but people give me space at the checkout. The picture you paint sounds like a nighmare

I mean, I know we can't all be friends here--but I don't get it. If you're going to outright dislike me...please give me the chance to do something to piss you off BEFORE you start being a shady dick to me.

Then again--maybe they just find me annoying. who knows? lol

I think on a public forum especially, developing an opinion of another member doesn't really require personal interaction. It's probably not going to be a hugely accurate assessment of character, but you can get a pretty decent idea of what a person is like just from reading their posts. I think many just make the mistake of disliking those who uphold opinions contrary to their own, or of opting to perceive disagreements as personal attacks. It can get pretty catty around these parts, which is a shame. I'm sure if people could just let go of their hasty judgments, they might find a new friend or two.

Also, it doesn't really matter how agitating a person can be, there are a million better and more productive ways to express anger outside of being a shady dick. There's really no justification for it, it's just being an asshole.

i'm really, really pissed off right now so since this thread was made for this purpose...

I AM PISSED OFF RIGHT NOW WITH MYSELF, THE PEOPLE AROUND ME AND MY LIFE.

yeah, yeah, i should appreciate my life or whatever the fuck. i don't care about all that shit.

to think that my black ass was thinking about how my attitude i reached it's peak back in high school where i was spazzing off on anybody that got me mad. i used to throw a hissy fit, cursing and the whole nine on the lunch line, to the lunch lady and the whole nine when i was pissed. i only made myself look like an ass when i thought that the whole "i'm not taking shit from anybody" attitude was working. i was feeling a bit remorseful thinking about it this morning and was like wow... what the fuck is wrong with me? seriously. why did i act like that? you know, i was thinking to myself that i really needed to look at myself then and now and see if i made any importants since that 10 year gap. i really needed to change and still have to make some changes. thought about the things that i needed in my life right now the most and i'll tell you right now, a boyfriend isn't one of them.

but anyways, i woke up this morning and i was getting mad at myself for how fucked up i continue to allow myself to be. i am holding myself back and basically programming myself to have a nervous breakdown, kill myself or to end up getting in trouble with the law. you know, i was getting angry with myself when i was thinking... "why the fuck can't i simply just close the curtains to block off the light that is blinding me and keeping me from falling back asleep at 6 in the morning? oh yeah, because if you do, your intelligence will diminish and you'll be a depressed retard like how you were feeling back in high school. keep those blinds open. it's vital for your well being." my whole anxiety is fucking killing me. my whole thought process is fucked up and when i say fucked up, i'm not talking about something that i can brush off, my way of thinking has fucked up my life and is making it even worse.

like i seriously think bad things will happen to me if i simply let go of something such as closing the curtains to keep the light outside my room to help me sleep or that i'll go nuts if i don't sit up on my bed looking like a dog, staring up at the clock with a question coming across my head raising up a concern of mine. i'm all looking at the last digits and thinking to myself that the clock actually has more fucking sense and brains than i do. same thing with the colors of cars and etc. my confidence is shot to the point where i'm placing my value and judgement on fucking superstitution and irrationality. i seriously am living my life around that shit and i think that it's okay.

the thing that angers me the most is that as a kid, i've been living in a situation where i've had issues BUT the thing is nobody bothered to give a fuck enough to at least reach out to me to fucking help me. i've been forced to for a long time have to be by my fucking self where i've had to deal with them on my own fucking two. i've been told that there's "nothing wrong with me" and "that i'm looking for problems" why i act the way i act. they say i want attention or have adjustment issues or whatever. it's as if they can't see that in itself is a problem. i've pretty much had to deal with myself, not even knowing why i act a certain way and how i can snap myself out of that fucking mindstate. so i've been told to basically hide how i feel or hide the fact that i have problems because nobody around me gave a fuck enough to step up and go "okay, something's wrong here". so i grow up, continuing to fuck myself over and having more issues with myself and my life and then i get told by the same people the same fucking bullshit that i was told as a kid. now i realize that they were fucking wrong and that the red flags were being ignored because they were either too scared to do something about it or they didn't give a fuck. then to top it off, i find myself caught up in my parents' bullshit marriage. i grew up in a fucking unstable household where my mother was basically the caregiver, my father basically did whatever the hell he felt like not thinking about his wife or his sons, and then seeing this emotional tug-o-war. my parents basically fighting and arguing with each other in front of us. my mother basically keeping us and herself in a bad situation simply because she was scared to get herself out of it as well as us. she wanted us to have a father and she didn't think she had what it took to take care of us by herself. so what happens, she prolongs the situation and then WE get caught up in it. like it's not my fucking fault. it pisses me off whenever i hear how she talks about "you guys do this. you guys do that. your father throws this around or does what he feels like so it's his fault as well as you and your brother's for why my life is a living hell." like i know i fuck up around here too and give you stress that you don't need to top off the issues you're dealing with or put yourself into but don't blame me for what the fuck my father does. you put yourself in that situation and ME into it too. you dealt with the man for 30 years and even single time i talk to you about him, how you should just let go of the thing that's been kicking your ass for the longest time, you talk to me about "he never used to be this way. he used to be a nice man then his friend's made him fucked up". it's NOT his friends. he been fucked up. even his own damn half brother and his wife warned you about how fucked up he was. you were warned about him and you let your fear hold you back. you basically are blaming me for your fucking situation. IT'S NOT MY FUCKING FAULT. I HAVE ENOUGH SHIT TO DEAL WITH DEALING WITH MYSELF. I WILL NOT FURTHER DRAG MYSELF DOWN BECAUSE YOU AND SOME OF THESE OTHER PEOPLE AROUND ME WANT ME TO BE FUCKED UP.

even hearing my father walk around, i really don't like his ass. he's just a fucked up human being. i'm tired of having to deal with this unstable ass atmosphere where i know what's exactly going to happen. seeing a sick mentally ill man who seems only fucking interested in taking care of his own ass and hearing his fucking self and seeing a woman with anxiety issues who needs to go to a fucking psychologist to see that she's been kicking herself in the ass and both of them are making my brother and me, especially, into some fucking nutjobs. for real, if i keep going down on this route, i'll be either dead or in jail. i'm getting angry to the point where i really am not beginning to give a fuck anymore and might end up going off and hurting somebody. that's exactly how i felt when i was up this morning. i felt like slitting my wrist, blowing my head off or fucking going on a shooting spree.

There are two or three members here who I KNOW do not care for me. And if I'm recalling correctly--they have no reason to.

I mean, I know we can't all be friends here--but I don't get it. If you're going to outright dislike me...please give me the chance to do something to piss you off BEFORE you start being a shady dick to me.

Then again--maybe they just find me annoying. who knows? lol

If everyone liked you, it would be a sure sign you are doing something WRONG. Personally, I don't want to be liked by some people. It's not about my disagreeing with someone about their opinions, either. I have certain values and if someone holds absolutely contrary ones, we are not going to be compatible. If they hate me, that is fine by me and I wear their contempt as a badge of honor.
People like that are why the word "meh" was created.

refuji, you're caught in a spiral where your OCD and your mood swings and your social isolation all feed off one another and exacerbate each other, and so it goes round and round and round and round....

....then your anger needs a channel and you need to vent and so you shoot your mouth off and say some VERY inadvisable things like your last sentence, which I'm sure you don't really mean but is just immense frustration and annoyance boiling over (I hope)

This is probably not much comfort to you but these strong emotions DO ease over time, in my case at say age 17-22 it wasn't anger but it was an INTENSE crush on a friend and then a college guy I barely knew let alone spoke with, combined with an equally INTENSE self-HATRED of myself.

Two things to do are - first, to find ways if you haven't already of relaxing and de-stressing whether that be music or playing computer games or going out for walks or whatever, and - second, to try and 'break' gently these compulsive habits if not the obsessive ones which I was never able to control, I just had to endure. With greater insight over time, these issues became at the very least 'known' as opposed to saying 'what the fuck am I thinking about' which was the WORST thing - when they're the great unknown monsters in the room.

I'm sure sometimes you feel like the loneliest guy in the planet when you're suffering through all of this bullshit nonsense in your head and having to do it in silence, but one big positive is that you've found this place which means you have a very helpful link to the outside world beyond the realms of your house and the four walls of your room.

It takes time, but eventually you'll gain the independence and presence of mind to better control all the bad stuff, and if you ever get an opportunity for e.g. travel, or meeting someone new, or anything that 'changes the script' then take it!

refuji, you're caught in a spiral where your OCD and your mood swings and your social isolation all feed off one another and exacerbate each other, and so it goes round and round and round and round....

pretty much and it's messing me up. sometimes, i feel like this is literally making me go crazy. i'm starting to get a bit paranoid where i'll experience that eerie disassociation feeling randomly because i feel stressed out. used to only just experience that smoking weed. now it's happening with the drugs.

....then your anger needs a channel and you need to vent and so you shoot your mouth off and say some VERY inadvisable things like your last sentence, which I'm sure you don't really mean but is just immense frustration and annoyance boiling over (I hope)

yeah, that's pretty much it but i'll admit, i really do feel like doing that sometimes. over the years, i've come to my senses where i'm realizing that the way i'm going about it is all wrong. i was in my teenage phrase trying to be cool acting like i was a street thug where i thought guns and drugs were cool. some years later, i realize that that's not what i want to be associated with. don't like guns, i don't want to hurt people, don't like the idea of having to smoke weed to get myself away from reality because i hate it and all these problems. would rather just be happy and be in total peace.

This is probably not much comfort to you but these strong emotions DO ease over time, in my case at say age 17-22 it wasn't anger but it was an INTENSE crush on a friend and then a college guy I barely knew let alone spoke with, combined with an equally INTENSE self-HATRED of myself.

hopefully, they do. this is just torture. it's been happening for years now. sometimes, i think this is going to last the rest of my life where the result is i'm still stuck at home living with my parents when i'm 30 or worst yet 40.

Two things to do are - first, to find ways if you haven't already of relaxing and de-stressing whether that be music or playing computer games or going out for walks or whatever, and - second, to try and 'break' gently these compulsive habits if not the obsessive ones which I was never able to control, I just had to endure. With greater insight over time, these issues became at the very least 'known' as opposed to saying 'what the fuck am I thinking about' which was the WORST thing - when they're the great unknown monsters in the room.

i should travel a bit more. one thing for sure is that i enjoy being able to drive to whereever to get away from the area that i'm in. seeing different things is cool. routine on the other hand sucks. as for the compulsive thoughts. would say that dealing with right now, it's very annoying. it actually upsets me at the thought of just wanting to change something over once but i know that the anxiety will overcome me to the point where i'll revert to it. like i would love to just close the blinds right now and keep them close BUT i can't seem to get myself to do it. the last time i did it, the feeling of sadness just came and i started to feel stupid. same thing with looking at the clock. it's that horrible feeling of something going away.

I'm sure sometimes you feel like the loneliest guy in the planet when you're suffering through all of this bullshit nonsense in your head and having to do it in silence, but one big positive is that you've found this place which means you have a very helpful link to the outside world beyond the realms of your house and the four walls of your room.

very true.

It takes time, but eventually you'll gain the independence and presence of mind to better control all the bad stuff, and if you ever get an opportunity for e.g. travel, or meeting someone new, or anything that 'changes the script' then take it!

hopefully so.. i most definitely would take the opportunity to do anything that changes the script in a heartbeat.

for the first time in a long time, I AM VERY HAPPY. VERY, VERY HAPPY! there's no reason to why i'm happy either. I AM JUST HAPPY BECAUSE I FEEL HAPPY. i don't need anything good to happen to me to feel happy. i'm not bipolar or mood swinging or whatever. i need to masturbate though. my dick feels wonderfully great. i need to beat it out to some more pornography.

one thing about the closet/you don't have to hurry/it will be bad tomorrow/so brother, don't you worry