Montreal

Mothering/Parenting as a Survivor of Sexual Assault

Mothering has the capacity to be an empowering, challenging, and rewarding experience. However, this article reviews some of the ways that mothering as a survivor of sexual assault or/and having a child who is the result of intimate relationship rape can be all of the above while also traumatizing, triggering, mind-numbing, terrifying, silencing, painful, and heartbreaking. Additionally, co-parenting with someone who has sexually assaulted you is a lifelong trial that requires negotiation between taking care of yourself and taking care of your child(ren).

Conception

Last night I heard the screaming

Then a silence that chilled my soul

~Tracy Chapman

There are many circumstances that lead to a child being conceived without consent. It may be that the wombn (a term I use to represent all individuals who use their womb in a reproductive capacity irrespective of their gender representation) didn’t want to participate in sex and their partner ‘convinces’ them to the point where they are no longer putting up resistance. In this case, these wombn know that they were coerced and that it was NOT consensual. They may not be ready to admit to themselves that what took place was rape and that their partner had violated them. They only know that it did not feel okay, they did not consent, and that their wishes were not respected.

When a pregnancy takes place as a result of rape, outside of intimate relationships, the wombn may have various options, depending on where they are located and their circumstances. If they get medical treatment within 72 hours following the assault they may opt to use an emergency contraception (morning after pill) to prevent a pregnancy, but it`s not a guarantee. For individuals who are in precarious situations with agents of the state (i.e. undocumented immigrants, freedom fighters with a warrant for their arrest, sex workers, teenagers under the supervision of social services, etc.) and/or their assault is incest related, and/or because they are gender non-conforming*, seeking medical treatment by going to the hospital/ clinic is not an option, and they may have no choice but to wait and see if they become pregnant.

If pregnant, wombn may terminate their pregnancy, ‘choose’ to keep the baby, or the circumstances /individuals may make the ‘choice’ for them. But is it really a choice when the conception was forced upon them through rape? Is it truly a choice when they do not have agency in becoming a parent?

Abortion

Before we take a step

Before we walk down that path

Before I make any promises

Before you have regrets

Before we talk commitment

Let me tell you of my past

All I’ve seen and all I’ve done

The things I’d like to forget

At this point in my life

~Tracy Chapman

Access to abortion is limited based on the laws that govern regions and regulations (for example, second and third term abortions may not be permitted), availability of practitioners/institutions, cost of procedure, and lack of/limited counselling, etc.. And if an individual falls under one of the precarious groups that I mentioned above, inviting the state and its various agencies, including health and social services, into one’s womb might end up being more harmful than helpful. Consequently, some may go underground and try to induce an abortion themselves, using alternative methods. These are often dangerous to the wombn and foetus and could lead to long-term consequences. Alternatively, there are trained traditional healers, midwives, and birthkeepers** who are trained in terminating pregnancies in a safe way. However, it remains a crime and may be punishable by law in many places. Both wombn and abortion practitioners risk being arrested and incarcerated by participating in this process that brings a little bit of agency to the wombn during an excruciating period in their lives. Juliana Britto, in Feministing, reports that in the Unites States:

Pregnancy

After an assault, some may end up carrying a child to full term due to a number of circumstances: lack of an an abortion clinic within close proximity, deadline for a low-risk abortion has passed, and/or they do not have the financial means to pay for the procedure, etc. Others, because of religious and/or spiritual convictions, or simply because they do not have a choice (ie. in the case of a minor, will end up birthing the baby. The wombn may give the child up for adoption or “choose” to parent that child. If the abortion is unsuccessful or the wombn change their mind halfway, they might end up birthing a child with congenital malformations and/or with special needs.

In addition, there may be mental health concerns with the child/adult that might ensue due to unsuccessful abortions. Medical experts have yet to prove it, but have expressed anecdotally a link between schizophrenia and traumas, although the types of traumas have yet to be fully elaborated.

Birthing

You see it’s been a hard road the road I’m traveling on

And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin

I’ve had a hard life I’m just saying it so you’ll understand

That right now, right now, I’m doing the best I can

At this point in my life

~Tracy Chapman

The growing incidence/occurrence of obstetrical interventions and violence makes it increasingly difficult for wombn to birth in a safe, respectful and loving way. For a survivor of sexual assault, birthing can be a very triggering and challenging experience even if the child was conceived through consent. If birth workers are not adequately trained to nurture and support survivors they could cause further harm. Viola P. painstakingly describes her birthing story in the following way to Humanize Birth, a Canadian non-profit organization:

While working through the trauma of sexual assault, the mental hardship and perseverance required to remain sane and present for one’s child(ren) is a non-linear and fine line between sanity and insanity. This fragile state of ‘living’ is further compounded when one has to co-parent with the person who has harmed them. Even after wombn leave their former partners, the abuse will most likely continue if healing has not taken place. How does one co-parent with their rapist? As Julie Boyd Cole writes:

What is the best interest of the child? How does one parent when the state, its agents and the community are causing further harm by undermining the mother’s well-being under the guise of doing “what’s best for the child” and the child’s “right” to have his father in the picture? Just as importantly, what is the impact on the child who witnesses the symptoms of PTSD in her mother every time she interacts with the rapist, who is also her father?

These are questions urging us to think of solutions outside of the box, and outside of the legal system because inherently state agencies are not structured to protect mothers as survivors of sexual assault; in fact, they can cause further harm. What are some of the strategies that survivors and their support network can use to navigate/manage and heal from these difficult situations that touch our womb and spirit? In future articles, we will explore some of the questions posed above in-depth and will elaborate on what we mean when we speak of the rights of survivors and of children.

Last night I heard the screaming

Loud voices behind the wall

Another sleepless night for me

It won’t do no good to call

The police Always come late

If they come at all

And when they arrive

They say they can’t interfere

With domestic affairs

Between a man and his wife

And as they walk out the door

The tears well up in her eyes

~Tracy Chapman

Written by Hirut Eyob

* Gender Non-Conforming – A term for individuals whose gender expression challenges society’s expectations based on the sex they were assigned at birth. Gender non-conforming individuals may or may not alter their bodies through the use of hormones or surgery. Gender non-conforming people may or may not identify as trans, male or female. http://urge.org/reproductive-justice-glossary/

** “The term Birth Keeper is the marriage of “Earth Keeper and Birth. Earth Keeper is a Native American Word for Eco-activists as well as holders of the sacred Earth-based wisdoms.” http://www.birthkeeper.com.au/