Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

Need input......

Hi all, I haven't been to this group for awhile, it was my first group though! I've realized I was just living in deep denial and putting problems out of mind by denying it and losing myself in other groups and life in general. I have got tobe the worst codependant/enabler known to man! I have no identity and no value (of myself), and I have realized what I've done now for years, I know I enable and control,and all the classic co-dependant traits, I know this and even know what to do about it, and am soooo ready to do it! I'm seriously ready to let go and let others(my daughter and son-in-law) live or destruct on their own choices and decisions, whatever, I've just gone to the very end with them ,lost everything of myself, but a small shred of hope, and that is what is pushing me away and making me strong , I mean my goodness, they are 37 and 39 years old! and I've spent 6 total years here in their home doing everything but breathe for them! and my reward ------O! or less than really, because we're all alot sicker than wouldhave been if I hadn't enabled/codepend them .Then I spent several years doing the same before I moved in with them to "fix things" ! I see alot now I didn't and I don't have aproblem with letting them go now and letting life fall asit should, without my help! What I do have a large problem with is, what to do about my grandaughters that I've more or less raised and care for in every way possible, I never see an answer for that one on anywhere,I can't find a solution, anyway I look at it, and when I let the adults go I let them go too, they are not helpless, in danger, or abused, just neglected alot and confused and dont get the care they need, emotional or physical, and it's not just because nobody can care for them like me !!!!it's really not getiing basic clean house, clean clothes, food when they want it , help with homework ect, the locks checked on doors at night, an "I love you and am proud of you" once in awhile, and they do so much to be proud of, the 10 year old is in gifted art, and makes straight A's, the 14 year old is in Beta club, honors courses,Straight A's , honor roll, band, volunteers for Hospice and is a wonderful child, I have helped them with these things, their parents are not even aware they are in or have most of these accomplishments, that is their lives, what makes them proud of themselves, things they have accomplished on their own, not even much help from me! my daughter has a mental illness, probably bi-polar, and substance abuse, but REFUSES help of any kind, not bad enough to be committed or to not get by but bad enough to not function or get out of bed most of the time, their father, jsubstance abuse, ignorance, andwon't work half the time.It's not a turn them in kind of thing, I've already been all around that block and back. I know I have to get OUT and stop all enabling and being codependant with my daughter and son-in-law but what do I do about the girls, they are my only concern now, their whole lives will suffer greatly if I leave, so I've gone against what I know to be the answer for my daughter to care for the kids,I know I'm hurting my daughter by codepending her and here husband but I chose to care for the kids at the expense of hurting the adults. please if anyone has some advice I need it, I dont want pity ,nor am I asking to get bashed! I just need to hear someone's opinion on what about the kids! thanks for listening and sorry it's so long. blues.....

Hi!
I think you are doing great and you are great. You are very self aware.

Trust your higher power and/ or your higher self. Do what you need to do to stop enabling. God (whatever name you choose) will then takke care of the rest. There are endless possibilities in life. The girls might want to go live with you. Your daughter may finally get help and care for her girls on her own! Something will happen to make it all right as long as you let it and to let it you hae to let go and let your higher power be in charge.
The girls are older so it should be easier than if they were babies. They are old enough that they can call you and ask you for what they need. You can still be grandma without being enabling mom. It will happen. I am sure of it! And once you stop enabling your daughter, you are trusting her to take care of herself finally. She really might do it!!

I am proud and excited for you after reading this post. I say you and your familing are about to embark on a road to healing.

I would say the first thing to do is to move out, but I would suggest that you move close to their place so the kids could walk to visit you, and I would say if you can then you would need to get at least a 2 bedroom or 3 bedroom place so the grand kids can visit or stay there if they want to while still going to their same school and events.

And if you can not afford to move then there are programs that will help pay the expenses.

Of course under no circumstance are you to ever let your daughter or son in law move in with you.

And if you truly want to brake the codependency then move out in a nice way, and say you need your own space, and offer nicely to let the grand kids live with you to make it easier for the parents, and try to make your moving out like every body is getting a grand vacation that will work out wonderful for everyone.

Do not cuss them out, and do not criticize their defects, and if they yell or provoke you then suck it up and do not cuss back.

And &quot;wypy&quot; is correct in that the kids being 10 and 14 means they could legally move out of there and in with you if they are willing to fight for it.

THank you for sharing your story with us. I encourage you to find a nearby CoDA or Al-Anon meeting to deal with your issues around enabling addicts to continue using and acting out. I know if you are willing, the right answers will be revealed to you, at exactly the right time. No one can tell you what is right for you, because we are not walking in your shoes, nor do we know what lessons the Universe has to teach you. But we can keep you company while you find that out!

Hugs and love to you. Keep searching for answers to your own spiriual dilemma and they will come~

thank you all for the input, you helped confirm my feelings of doing right by just letting it all go, there seems not to be an easy answer for the kids, and they are innocent in it all, but they are 10 and 14 and not helpless , I dont need to be codependant with them too! (any longer!!), they're not learning what they need to grow, so as hard as it is my only choice is to move out and stay available to the kids, thank you all again, God is my Higher Power and I wouldn't have made it this far without Him.Blues....

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