3/15/2007

(With her permission, I have pirated the following from Miss Cellania. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with her work, Miss C scours the Internet to provide theme-based links to a variety of websites. You would be remiss not to pay her a visit from time to time.)

Sexual TermsPosted by Miss Cellania on March 09, 2007.

Calvin Klein has a new fragrance: CKin2u and a buzzword for its intended comsumer: Technosexual.

“We have envisioned this as the first fragrance for the technosexual generation,” said Mr. Murry, using a term the company made up to describe its intended audience of thumb-texting young people whose romantic lives are defined in part by the casual hookup.

Calvin Klein has even trademarked the term “technosexual”. The target demographic may be hard to impress. One 24-year old mentioned how weird it is to imagine someone putting on perfume to sit behind a computer. The term is not new. Wikipedia dates usage back to 2004 in Word Spy. It means "nerd."

Technosexual? I can play that game, too.

When I think of “technosexual,” I think of Sex Station 7. Or a battery operated boyfriend. Or this.

When the word metrosexual came about in the mid 90s, I thought for sure it was someone who sought to have sex in the subway. Turns out its a term coined to sell hair gel and chest-shaving products.

Maybe I should trademark some words, too. Get in on the ground floor, so to speak.

Microsexual. Urban Dictionary defines this as “A person who is attracted solely to smaller people (small rather than thin).” I think a better definition would be a guy with a really small penis.

Quadrosexual. Obviously, that would be people who have sex in foursomes. Which reminds me of the instructional video Is It Time to Swap?

Ergosexual. Always looks for the most efficient and effortles way to hook up with a sex partner. Unfortunately, he is also one who looks for the most efficiant and effortless way to conclude the sex act.

Chronosexual. Resembles the ergosexual, but always has his eye on the clock. Lasts about two minutes. Unless he’s under 21, in which case you can make that one minute.

Cryptosexual. This person might be male or female, hetero, homo, bi, or even trans, but you’ll never find out. Its a mystery.

Cardiosexual. You know this guy. He had chest pains last year and now runs a mile everyday and will not touch red meat. He knows that he’s going to die eventually, and wants it to happen during sex.

Magnetosexual. Now that’s attractive, isn’t it?

Egosexual. Whether he’s gay or straight, attractive or hideous, monogamous or promiscuous, all that matters is that he knows he’s the best you ever had. Even if you tell him otherwise.Agrisexual. Someone who a. looks like a farm animal, b. prefer sex with farm animals, or c. prefers sex with someone who looks like a farm animal.

Schizosexual. Someone who seems to be a different person every time you have sex. I know what you're thinking -"the ex-wife." C'mon, I thought guys liked that!

Bozosexual. The life of the party. Can be a lot of fun, except for that habit of squeezing your sensitive parts and going “beep beep”.

Retrosexual. Puts a lot of effort into the hunt, with his sexy polyester pants and shirt open to show his hairy chest. Willing to disco dance for sex, but only uses the missionary position.

Hypnosexual. The retrosexual and the microsexual strive to be hypnosexual, because hynotizing someone is the only way they can get any.

I have taken the liberty,without Miss C's permission, to "coin" a few of these sexual terms myself.

Verbisexual. Someone who talks or boasts about their sexual prowess and conquests; usually exaggerated in both quality and quantity. Egosexuals are known to be verbisexual.

Comasexual. Similar to hypnosexual, except sexual partners are passed out or unconscious.

Polysexual. While this term suggests having many partners, these individuals have erotic interludes with avian creatures. They belong to a sub grouping of agrisexuals.

Vegasexual. Picks up prospective sexual partners in the produce aisle of a supermarket.

Photosexual. This form of sexual activity is evidenced by the numerous porno magazines in their bathrooms having pages stuck together. Most photosexuals will become googlesexuals when they learn that keyboards and monitor screens are easier to clean than magazine pages.

Et Ceterasexual. Is willing to try anything related to sex. They were formerly known as tri-sexuals.

Cosmosexual. Only has sex based on the quizzes and surveys appearing in Cosmopolitan Magazine.

6 comments:

Ha! I'm glad you added more! I was under a deadline when I threw the post together. Good terms!

The point was to show how silly it is for a corporation to attempt to manufacture a trend for teens and twentysomethings. Its very liable to backfire on you, like when McDonalds used that "I'd hit it!" slogan without knowing what it really meant.