Tropical Storm Mom

Scarlett, I accidentally called Mom today and she said she wanted to come to see your kids this weekend. I’m sorry. She said something about wanting to do some work with them on gender equality for her new book. I think we’re busy, don’t you?

Doesn’t she have enough books? Ernest is two. I don’t think he’s developed any sexist tendencies yet. But if she came maybe she could babysit so Joe and I could go out. I wonder what that’s like – going out.

You really want to leave her alone with your kids? The last time she babysat you came home to Paisley in tears because Mom replaced her set of My Little Ponies with a scale model of a reproductive system, with moveable parts so you can really get in there and see what’s what.

I remember. Mom said she thought Paisley liked the ponies because she wanted to be a vet, or a doctor. She thought she was helping.

Well now that you have Irving maybe she will refrain from being so helpful. He’ll be a nice distraction.

Yes! Maybe having our new fake grandfather around will temper her weirdness. They may even hit it off! Except I hope they don’t. That would be a bummer if the kids’ real grandmother hit it off with the fake grandfather I went out and found myself. I’d feel so cheated.

I like having him around too. He’s like the father we were never allowed to have.

Sometimes I pretend he’s my dad, so I fit in better with the other moms at school. I think it will be fine having mom here now that Irving’s around. If he can take the edge off my Other Mom Terror, he can do anything.

It will at least be fun to watch. How about I call her while you rummage through the mailbag for questions?

Sounds good. This is your fault, by the way, so you’re buying lunch.

Q: You have talked about going to yoga classes, so maybe you can help me. Last week during my first class I suffered a wardrobe malfunction. I didn’t have a sports bra and somewhere between my downward facing dog and mountain pose things just kind of popped out. The worst part was I didn’t notice right away. Now I’m too embarrassed to go back. – Blushing in Bloomington

A: We learned a long time ago to not be embarrassed by things that happen in yoga. If we were we’d never go back.
S: Is there anything that’s not embarrassing about yoga? I mean, you would never do any of that in public. Not intentionally.
A: Yes, there’s a reason it all happens in a closed room. Though that doesn’t explain yoga in the park. Maybe if everyone is in pigeon pose it doesn’t seem so weird.
S: I think if you do enough yoga it starts to seem normal. Or maybe you become so peaceful that you don’t register judgement. Blushing, the other people in class were probably so yoga-stoned they didn’t even notice.
A: I rarely notice anyone else in class.
S: I bet they notice you.
A: I hope so! I try really hard in class. Blushing, go back to class and pretend that nothing happened. That’s what I always do.

Q: In the summer people drop by unannounced more than I would like – which would be never. I’m really self-conscious about the way our house looks on a normal day, but everyone’s onto my trick of hiding behind the couch and they just keep ringing the doorbell. Do you have any tips on cleaning up the house in a few seconds, on your way to answer the door? – Strewn in Stratford

A: I have several pets, so I just blame them. A big garbage bag to heave everything else into helps.
S: Grab the vacuum, turn it on, and pick up a few things while you “don’t hear the bell over the vacuum.” If you leave it running while you answer the door, you may be able to divert the visit entirely.
A: You can also answer the door coughing, and hunched over, telling them you don’t want them to catch what you’ve got.
S: Which is a bad case of “too much to do and too little time to clean house.”
A: As a last resort, grab your keys and say you’re so sorry they stopped by as you were headed out, but if they call next time you’ll be sure to be home. Then go drive around the block.
S: This all hinges on what you are wearing. You can do the key thing if you are dressed to go out. If you haven’t really started your day yet, do the sick routine. If nothing is conducive to any of the above options, call the police and report an intruder.

Q: My friend broke up with his girlfriend a few months ago. I always really liked her, is it okay if I ask her out? – Smitten in Smyrna

S: Don’t you people have codes of conduct?
A: But maybe they’re meant to be together, Scarlett.
S: I’m not saying you have to abide by the codes, you just have to know about them. So if you know about them but don’t want to abide by them, you go to Plan B, which is to talk to your friend.
A: I agree with my sister. That’s the honorable thing to do. Unless you and the lady in question live someplace far away from the old boyfriend. If it works out, invite him to the wedding and say, “Surprise!”
S: Absolutely! Make sure to have the old boyfriend’s wedding gift thoroughly checked out, though. There’s also Plan B2, in which you didn’t really like your friend anyway.
A: There is that.
S: You might also want to find out why he broke up with her. If she sold all his stuff on eBay when he wasn’t looking, you could pick up a few of his old records while you’re at it.

We’re all set with Mom. I think that was the first time I have called her on purpose in about 10 years.

I think this is going to be fine. What could possibly go wrong?

If you are one of those people who stops by unannounced and needs a 12 Step program to stop, or if you can recommend a good brand of yoga-proof underwear, email us! Annabelleandscarlett@gmail.com. You can also share your most embarrassing yoga moment with us on Twitter. We’re @fixitsisters and we can’t wait to hear it.

We reserve the right to remove any content at any time from this Community, including without limitation if it violates the Community Rules. We ask that you report content that you in good faith believe violates the above rules by clicking the Flag link next to the offending comment or fill out this form.

Blog Author

Annabelle & Scarlett Darling

Annabelle and Scarlett Darling are sisters who are very wise and love telling others what to do. They are very good at fixing others, themselves, not quite so much. Annabelle - who trained as a life coach - says that's how it's done. Both are in ... Read Full