Description: Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Barack Obama has been re-elected president of the United States. To thank his supporters, his campaign only sent out 34 emails.

CNN used the lights of the Empire State Building to show in real time the results of the election. Meanwhile, Trump Tower just got really small, blaming it on the cold air.

Tammy Baldwin has become the nation's first openly gay senator. Why hasn't anyone heard of her until now? One word: Alec.

Mitt Romney said the only speech he prepared for Tuesday night was a victory speech. Not the answer Paul Ryan's family was hoping for since he's been missing for two weeks.

Likewise, Obama seemed to celebrate early when he congratulated Romney on a “spirited campaign” during the day. "I'm definitely gonna punch you now, mister," said Tagg Romney.

In Georgia, a gated community locked itself in Tuesday night out of fear of election-related civil unrest. Though they allowed plenty of time for residents to go out and vote for the not black.

Obama was seen crying after his final campaign event on Monday night. "I don't understand how this is possible," said the scientist who built him.

The small New Hampshire town of Dixville Notch had its first-ever tie, with Obama and Romney getting five votes each. But hey, that's nothing a little Dixville pie can't fix. Or: As you might expect, the people there are acting like real penises towards each other.

In New York, Mayor Michael Bloomberg helped a poll worker find his name on the voter rolls. Their attitudes towards poll workers providing yet another contrast between Bloomberg and Rudy Giuliani.

A voting machine in Pennsylvania was shut down after video of it changing a vote for Obama to Romney was posted online. Of course, Obama never was that close with his family in Pennsylvania.

Missouri Sen. Claire McCaskill won re-election, beating Rep. Todd Akin. Turns out the female body does have ways to try to shut that whole thing down.

Joe Biden suggested he may run for office again once he's done being vice president. Though that may change when he finds out not only does Candyland not exist, it has no formal system of elections.

Both Colorado and Washington state voted to legalize marijuana for recreational use. A measure strongly pushed for by the Anything Involving the Word Pizza lobby.

Meanwhile, Washington and Maine voted to legalize gay marriage. Which is easy for them since they're so hard for hurricanes to hit.