Predator Drone Nominated For Nobel Peace Prize

OSLO, NORWAY — The General Atomics MQ-1 Predator unmanned drone was nominated Monday for the 2013 Nobel Peace Prize for its unrelenting pursuit of peace and tranquility in under-governed spaces around the globe, the Nobel Foundation announced.

“The prize is awarded annually to recipients who have displayed an abiding commitment to ridding the world of conflict,” according to Nils Droppenhammer of the Nobel Foundation. “The Predator has shown an unwavering dedication to seeking out and eliminating sources of badness everywhere, but particularly in fragile states where its impact is felt more intimately.”

Between 2004 and 2013, The Predator single-handedly reduced the number of opponents to world peace by no less than 1,533, with some estimates putting the number as high as 2,500. Conducting hundreds of missions daily, the remotely piloted drone and its peace-seeking missiles are capable of bringing instant tranquility to multiple villages and/or pickup trucks simultaneously.

Public response to news of the nomination has been overwhelmingly positive. Yemeni tribal leaders this week issued a joint statement praising the Nobel nominee’s quiet professionalism and willingness to reach out to those in need of peace in even the most remote corners of the world.

Amnesty International, a close personal advisor to The Predator, commented, “Predator has helped encourage the migration of hundreds of thousands of previously homeless Pashtun nomads to more prosperous lives in the carefree environment of refugee camps and Peshawar shanty towns. If not for the persistent gaze of this tireless humanitarian, many families would be forced to remain living in bucolic poverty, their lazy lifestyles under constant threat from wicked evil-doers.”

Outspoken American religious scholar Anwar al-Awalaki, a vocal opponent of The Predator’s peace initiatives, was unavailable for comment.

In a statement issued Tuesday, a spokesman for the reclusive automaton best known for his typically terse, binary media interviews said “the Predator is humbly grateful for the positive attention the Nobel nomination will bring to his growing global network of precision-guided peace projects. He feels this nomination could have just as well gone to similar peace advocates, such as The Assault Rifle, Ohio Class Ballistic Missile Submarines, or The Mossad, but accepts it as a representative of the greater community.”

Other nominees for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize include AIDS for its groundbreaking efforts in global poverty reduction, as well as Hurricane Sandy and Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, both of whom had an enormous impact on human life this year. At press time, all three were reported to have turned off their cell phones and moved to undisclosed underground locations in anticipation of spirited debate from The Predator’s advocates.

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About The Author

Ross Magee is an International Man of Leisure and occasional Afghan Action Hero. He dabbles in languages and counts among his tongues German, Dari, Spanish, French, passable Arabic and the lingua franca of the world--English. Women swoon in his presence and he is a purveyor of fine pheromones.