We here at the SLN Videogame Depot welcome back correspondent Jax Hamleg, who has returned from extended medical leave as a broken yet very opinionated man. Take it away, Jax.

Look me in the eye and tell me something, motherfucker. How many loot boxes have you purchased? With real money. Real dollars that could’ve put food on your family’s fucking table. You make me fucking sick.

Ironically, it was in being sick that my spiral into gaming and despair began. Sick with a case of legs torn off by hurricane force winds and a penchant for buckling my belt four or five notches tighter than was necessary. Sick with a case of hubris. Without my legs or my work but with a steady paycheck and benefits package, I wasted away into a horrid little gremlin, spending hours playing terrible videogames on my overpriced Razer laptop (replete with rainbow light-up keys) and my durable but off-brand android smartphone.

I have seen things that would make a normal person laugh awkwardly and find an excuse to leave. Things that would send a chill down your spine if I also explained the very esoteric and technical context surrounding them. I will never again be able to look in the mirror and see a man. I only see something so disgusting it shakes my belief in a loving God. I see a gamer.

Before my Kafka-esque transformation I used to travel to interesting places with a talented and brave cameraman, and I too was brave, because I delivered the news live, as it happened. What do I deliver now? Advice. Advice that comes from a place of deep suffering, in the hope that I can save you from the hell I have made for myself. Advice on which videogame loot boxes offer the best value.

OpenCluck
A GPL-licensed clone of the ClustrFuCK development framework and its accompanying compiler, API, IDE, and STD.Last Commit: Fixed buffer overflow when converting an imported FurthestCK database containing malformed emojis. (Nov 14, 2014)Cause of Death: One of the two lead developers had his brain removed and frozen by a transhumanist tech startup, and the other had his brain removed and frozen by an escaped convict during a terrifying 18-day killing spree and FBI manhunt.

LibrePiss
A free and open source software suite for both GNU/Linux and regular Linux that assists the user in tracking the frequency, amount, consistency, color, scent, velocity, and “urethrafeel” of their urination.Last Commit: Added additional shades of chartreuse to the color library based on recent unusual samples. (Jan 4, 2016)Cause of Death (not literally this time): Lead developer disillusioned with the internet piss community after involvement in the PissCoin cryptocurrency scam.

OpenNanny
Hey, remember Net Nanny, that thing that parents would install to block naughty websites? Well, they open-sourced it!Last Commit: Added a previously innocuous fanshrine to Jan Killblood from the anime Hellghost UltraMAX to the naughty list, since now it just displays the text “KEVIN RULZ” with the letters made out of penises. (May 10, 2015)Cause of Death: Kevin and his script kiddie friends got into the lead developer’s email with a brute force password attack and hijacked all of his accounts, including his account on Github.net.au.

EmuMaster Perfect Collection: Do You Remember Love?
The ultimate NES emulator is here, combining the best parts of all the various forks over the years of Japanese PC-98-based NES emulator EmuMaster into a single perfect hybrid that runs on Windows, Mac, GNU/Linux, and regular Linux.Last Commit: Added additional checks to prevent crashing when trying to launch malformed ROMs. (July 19, 2016)Cause of Death: Lead developer’s brain removed and frozen by Kevin and his script kiddie friends, who are escalating their acts of violence and must be stopped.

Betrayal at Melrose PlaceAvalon Hill, 1997Construct a dynamic luxury apartment complex as you play, then engage in rich soapy drama in this licensed gem based on the TV classic. Contains 41 luxury room cards, six character tokens, and two “sensuousness decks.” 40% off!

Star Wars: The Courtship of Princess Leia Cooperative Card GameParker Brothers Select, 1996In this asymmetrical two-player experience based on the classic expanded universe novel by Dave Wolverton, you and a loved one will take on the roles of Han Solo and Leia Organa, trading quips, double entendres, and romance dice in a three-phase structure reflecting the plot progression of the novel. Contains 45 Han cards, 45 Leia cards, and eight 12-sided “romance dice.” 60% off or best offer!

Hellghost UltraMAX: Gaiden: Do You Remember Love?ADV Films, 2004To date the only stateside post-VHS release of this groundbreaking OVA series, this 3-disc DVD set is essential to making sense of the enigmatic final season of Hellghost UltraMAX. Currently out of print and highly sought-after by fans of the Hellghost sagaverse. 30% off!

Sailor Moon S: The RoleplayingGameEntenmann Press, 1998This GMless marvel puts you in the role of an intrepid Sailor Soldier, tasked with protecting the world from the forces of darkness and looking real fuckin’ kawaii while you do it. The rules were groundbreaking at the time and its influence is clearly felt in other GMless systems such as Fiasco and Cum Patrol. Full-color hardback, 185 pages. 25% off!