Have you ever had the experience that you were living in a scene from one of your favorite TV shows? I am a huge Seinfeld fan and one of my favorite episodes was when Jerry is dating a woman with “Man Hands.” The scene in which the woman wipes something off Jerry’s face and he reacts to her large hands on his face is priceless. Well this is my version of that episode.

After my divorce, I came to realize that the majority of my friends were married. Which meant anytime we would get together, I was the “Single Guy” in the group. I was appreciative that they still continued to invite me to their parties and looked forward to hanging out with my childhood friends. However, the thought of being the only person in the group without a partner began to wear on me. I decided the next time, my married friends invited me to a party, I was going to have a date regardless of the situation.

It was a Monday afternoon in late February and college basketball season was in full effect. Where I live in Kentucky, you either bleed red or blue depending on if you are a Cardinal or Wildcat fan. College basketball is king in the state of Kentucky. A good friend of mine calls to invite me over on Saturday to watch both the Cardinals and Wildcats in conference tournament action. He tells me that the usual married couples will be over there and he would like me to bring my infamous “Asian Cole Slaw.”

Later on that evening, I was contemplating, whether to go online to find a date for this party or just show up solo again. Could I really find someone to bring around my friends in such short notice? What the hell? I decided this time I will show up with a date for the party. I sign in to my online dating profile and begin the search for my party companion. It has to be someone who enjoys college basketball and hopefully a Cardinal fan as well.

My first thought is to search through the women who had viewed my profile recently to see if there were anyone that fit that description. If they viewed my profile, they had to have some interest in me, right? Hopefully, this will be a quick solution to my situation. I notice that a woman with the profile name of “CardinalGal” had viewed me within the past 24 hours. Her profile mentions that she loves college basketball, bingo! The only issue, her profile says her height is 5’10” and I am 5’8″ on a good day. How much difference can 2 inches make? (I am sure there is a joke somewhere in that last question, but I’ll leave that up to the ladies.)

I shoot off a quick introduction email, mentioning that it sounds like we have things in common. You know, we’re both single, college basketball fans and root for the Cardinals. Well at least, it is a start. I click the “send” button and hope to receive a response soon. On Wednesday evening, I get a response from “CardinalGal”. We exchange a few complimentary emails and finally I ask if we can grab a drink the next evening. We agree to meet at a local microbrewery for beers.

The next night, while enjoying our beers and each other’s company. I decide to ask her if she would like to accompany me to the college basketball party on Saturday. She says that she would love to go and asks if there is anything she can bring. I tell her not to worry because I will be making Asian Cole Slaw and will bring some beer. She had never ate that type of slaw, but was eager to try it.

When I pick up my date on Saturday, I am shocked by her appearance. The 5’10” woman who I had recently met is now wearing high heels which is now putting her height to at least 6’0″ and I am still a meager, but proud 5’8″. On top of wearing high heels, she has teased her blonde hair very high and has decided to wear a leopard skin pattern blouse with tight jeans. I’m sorry, I thought we were attending a college basketball party not a 1980’s Def Leppard concert. Okay, it’s too late now, this should make for good conversation at the party. My friends will have fun with this.

We pull into my friend’s driveway and I notice that everyone is out on the deck awaiting our arrival. The shear anticipation they must feel as they wait to see my date. I stop the ignition and almost start laughing at the comments that will soon arise. I wave to my friends as I go around back to the trunk to get my cooler of beer and Asian Cole Slaw. As we are walking up the driveway, I hear one of my friends whisper, “Whose mom did he bring?” At that point, I wanted to laugh because I knew this was going to be a long day filled with jokes. I just hoped my date doesn’t catch on to my friend’s humor and that my cole slaw is a hit.

After introductions, my friends and I go into the living room to catch the announcer’s pre-game predictions. Immediately, they look at me and ask where did you find her, 1984? They want to know why did I bring someone’s mom to the party. At this point, we are cracking up and I am kicking myself for not flying solo to this party.

The food is being set out and I decide that at least my slaw has a chance. Everyone is loving the slaw and asking me for the recipe. It seems to compliment the chicken wings well. As I am eating my food, my date leans in and tells me that I have a piece of slaw on my face. Before I know it, her hand is on my face wiping the food off. Not only, is my date a lot taller than me, but I just felt the largest and roughest “Man Hands” on my face. I am grossed out and realize she could at least use some moisturizer because now I think I have a cut on my face. I notice my buddies smiling as they see my date treat me as if I am one of her kids.

The party is over and I am taking my date home. We both had a good time. I enjoyed catching up with my friends and she seemed to like talking with my friend’s wives about reality shows. We arrive at her house and she thanks me for inviting her. I lean over to give her a hug and she grabs my face with those enormous hands while laying a hard kiss on me. I now know what a basketball feels like after being palmed by Michael Jordan. Yeah, this isn’t going to work for me.

Why did I pressure myself into thinking that I needed to bring someone to this party on such a short notice. My friends would have been fine with me showing up by myself. This was my fault and I felt bad for bringing this woman to this party. At least we had some good laughs and someone’s mom got to taste Asian Cole Slaw.

My mother mentioned to me that her church had started a Singles Group and suggested that I give it a try. Worst case scenario, I meet some new friends. Who knows, maybe I meet a “Good Girl” at the church.

That next Sunday, I was sitting in a church pew listening to the pastor tell the congregation about trying new things to improve your life. He mentioned that you must have faith that those improvements will benefit you in life. As they say, “He was preaching to the choir.”

After the service, I introduced myself to the pastor and asked him about this new Singles Group. He mentioned that they had noticed a growing number of single adults attending their church. He hoped this group would be a way for single adults to form new relationships while sharing their interests inside and outside of church. I told him that I would attend the next meeting and was looking forward to it.

The group met the following Wednesday and I was anxious to meet the people in the group. Would I meet that “Preacher’s Daughter?” You know the girl who seems innocent at church, but leads a promiscuous life. Or would I meet that woman who was a young professional that attended church for the positive messages, but wasn’t a “Bible Beater.” Either way, it couldn’t be any worse than browsing online profiles of potential dating partners.

It was Wednesday and a sense of confidence had overcome me. I had a glide in my stride and a pep in my step as I approached the group’s meeting room. As I opened the door and looked around the room, I notice several older women and one older gentleman. I was in my mid-30’s and they appeared to be at least twenty years older. Maybe there is a younger Singles Group meeting in another room?

The pastor walks in right behind me and has everyone take their seats. I ask him if there is another Singles Group and he tells me that this is it. The only chair available is between two older women. I take my seat and immediately I am hit with the aroma of moth balls, lovely!

The pastor wants to go around the room so that everyone in the group can introduce themselves. I soon find out everyone except me has the same interests: crossword puzzles, playing with their cats and watching, “Murder She Wrote.” Could this get any worse? After the introductions, the door opens and a church member rolls in a cart with fruit punch and cookies. Really?

The pastor encourages everyone to mingle as they eat their punch and cookies. The two women next to me strike up a conversation and ask what brought me to the group. I explained to them that since my divorce I had been trying new ways to meet people. Just as I am finishing my sentence one of the ladies puts her hand on my leg and tells me that if I join their group that I won’t be lonely anymore. I politely smile, almost wanting to chuckle at the thought of becoming a senior citizen love toy.

Is this what will happen to me if I grow old and lonely? A dirty old man hitting on young women at a church group? Good lord, is this Metamucil or fruit punch? My mom is never going to hear the end of this from me.

I had officially been baptized in the online dating world. My first two experiences had taught me that people will allow previous relationships to creep into their existing situation at any moment. Why is that? Do we not allow enough time to fall back in love with our own self after a relationship ends before seeking a new one? I took almost a two month break from dating after my previous relationship ended. It was now time to go back to the old drawing board. I reactivated my online dating profile and went searching for a new woman to date.

One feature that I had never tried on the dating site was to look at women that the site felt would be compatible to me based on key words within my profile. While browsing through my potential matches, I was drawn to a short-haired brunette that was a mortgage banker. While pondering a line to use in my email to grab her attention, an instant message pops up on my computer. It was actually her and apparently the site had recommended me to her as well. I had never done instant messaging on the site. It was a little odd at first, but much quicker than the constant emailing back and forth.

Unfortunately, she lived in same area of town where the “Closet” incident occurred. So needless to say, I was a little hesitant. She cut right to the chase and asked if we could meet for drinks the next night. I agreed and told her that I would pick her up. I pick her up at her house and she directs me to her favorite neighborhood bar. As I am driving, I start having “Closet” flashbacks and hope that his date turns out better.

I notice that the place is packed as I am pulling into the parking lot. We finally manage to find two seats at the end of the bar. The music is so loud we can barely hear each other talk. All I hear her tell the bartender is “Two Long Island Iced Teas, please.” I think that she has ordered for both of us. I hadn’t drank a Long Island Iced Tea since college. The bartender sits both glasses near her. My date then asks, “What are you going to drink?” I just order a beer and think that this date maybe over soon so there’s no reason to get crazy. She was done with her first glass before I was half way through my beer. She tells me that she just loves Long Island Iced Teas because she can hardly taste the alcohol.

The first glass seemed to relax her and before I knew it, she was telling me her entire life story. She finishes her second drink just as I am taking the last sip of my beer. The bartender quickly provides her with a third Long Island Iced Tea and I decide to order another beer. Our conversations are now filled with laughter as we discuss the craziness on the dance floor. In just over an hour since walking into this bar, my date had consumed four Long Island Iced Teas. I had only drank two beers at this point and I am noticing a slur in her speech.

Before I know it, she falls off her bar stool and is laying on the ground. I go to help her up and she is just dead weight. The bartender and I are able to prop her up against the bar, just in time for her to get sick. It goes all over my pants and shoes. Now, I am grossed out and embarrassed. I start gagging because the smell of vomit is so close. Her t-shirt has been transformed from a bright white to a brown stained mess.

The other bar patrons are completely grossed out and are fixated on the me trying to walk an intoxicated woman out of the bar. As soon as we walk outside she throws up again. I manage to finally get her into my car and start driving to her house. Along the way, we have to stop two more times so that she can puke. Wouldn’t you know it as soon as I pull into her driveway she gets sick in my car as she tries to open the car door.

I help her to her front door and she apologizes for everything. She tells me she understands if I never want to see her again. My thoughts exactly! I hop back in my car and my mission now is to find the nearest car wash. I can now eliminate any women that live in this part of the city in my future dating searches. I obviously need to redo my profile description and remove any key words that references Long Island or Iced Tea.

I finally recovered from being put in a closet and was ready to get back online to find a dating partner without a crazy ex. While searching for potential dating candidates, I came across an attractive blonde with a profile name called “Meandyou”. I decided to fire off an email and let her know that I enjoyed reading her profile and would be interested in learning more about her. She responded back and said that she also enjoyed reading my profile. Soon there after, we were talking on the phone, laughing about some of the strange profiles we had seen on the site. She loved my “In the Closet” story of my first post-divorce date.

The following months were filled with going dancing, dinners, movies and watching our favorite college football team. Things seemed to be going well and I was happy that I found someone that I enjoyed spending time with. We were in the habit of talking with each other a few times a day, mostly to discuss the problems at her workplace. One particular weekday, we had talked once in the morning and again mid-afternoon about how much she hates her job. This conversation was one we had many times in the past and I was at a point that she either needed to find a new job or deal with it.

That night, I got home late from a long day at work and realized that I had a movie that was due back the following day. It was one that I had been really wanting to see since there was so much hype around the book and movie. The name of the movie was “The Da Vinci Code.” I start the movie and my phone rings within the first 10 minutes. I look down to see who it was and it was her. Do I answer it and listen to a repeat of what I had heard earlier or should I ignore it and call her back later? I chose to ignore it and would call back after the movie. I mean, surely she wouldn’t be mad, we had already spoke twice that day.

After an hour of the movie being on, there is a knock on my door. The knocking sound scared the hell out of me because the movie was starting to get intense and I had decided to watch it in the dark. So with all of my lights out, I decided to look out the window to see who it was. I noticed a Honda Accord in my driveway, it was her car. What was she doing here, showing up unannounced?

I go to my front door and turn on the porch lights. As soon as I open the door, I am met with a barrage of questions like: “Why didn’t you answer your phone?”; “Why are your lights out?”; “Is there somebody here with you?” I asked her what she is doing here. She says that she was concerned when I didn’t answer my phone and thought maybe I was with another girl. I was shocked and confused, I had never given her any reason to not trust me. Up until this point, our relationship had been solid and filled with good times.

I explained to her that I had rented a movie early in the week and had not had time to watch it. She does not believe me, so I tell her to walk around my house to see if there is anyone else here. To my displeasure, she decides to take a tour of my house to see if I am by myself. At this point, I am pissed. Here we had spent the past few months enjoying each other’s company and talking on the phone multiple times a day.

She ended up staying the night and while we were in bed, she mentions that there was something that she needed to share with me. She starts telling about her failed marriage and of the abuse that her ex-husband had put her through. Not only did he physically and mentally abuse her, but he cheated on her with one of her friends. This is what led to her overreacting about me not answering my phone. I decide to give her the benefit of the doubt and just figured she was having a bad day.

The next morning, I wake up and realize that she is not in the bed with me. I walk out of my bedroom and go into the kitchen. She is leaning over my kitchen counter with my cell phone in her hands. It appears that she is looking for text messages and phone numbers to see if I had been communicating with another woman. When I ask what she is doing, she fumbles my phone and makes up some excuse of looking at photos on my phone. Now I am concerned and tell her that I don’t appreciate her going thru my phone without asking me.

I tell her that I think it is best that she leaves. After she leaves, all I can think about is what the hell just happened? I thought I had met a nice girl who I had enjoyed dating. Now I am questioning everything and don’t feel good about her reaction to me not answering one of her phone calls. Will it always be like this or was this just a one time thing?

My day is filled with her sending me texts apologizing for accusing me of cheating on her. By the time I receive the fourth text I am tired of the apologies and decide to have a little fun with her. I reply back with “Who is this?” This apparently sends her into a fury and she fires off two quick responses of “What?” and “I knew you were seeing someone else.” I give her a call and the tone in her voice when she answers is not pleasant. I told her that I was just kidding and can’t believe what had transpired in the past 24 hours. I explain that I am disappointed and that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t trust me.

Unfortunately, I had to make the decision to end the relationship. I was so disappointed and confused, why didn’t I see this coming? What caused her to react the way she did? This experience had taught me that some people will continue to struggle with trust regardless of their situation. Damn you, Da Vinci!

So after taking a year off after my divorce to focus on my career and taking care of my young daughter, I decided it was time to get back into the dating world. But, how do I get back into that world?

I worked in a predominately male industry, so not much chance there. Should I try going to bars, clubs or even church? I was never really comfortable approaching women at bars or clubs. I thought maybe I’d give church a try. Just like the barber explains to Prince Akeem in the movie Coming to America, “There are good girls in the church.” However, I just couldn’t pull myself to go to church for the sole purpose of meeting someone to date.

Internet dating had become so popular. Several of my friends had tried it and suggested it to me. What the hell, right? My thought was it can’t be any worse than trying to pick up a woman at a bar. I chose a site and started building my profile. My profile was up and before I knew it, I was chatting with a woman who was a nurse. She was recently divorced and had two young children. During our chats, it sounded as if we shared some common viewpoints on life, kids, work, etc. After a couple of days of emailing each other, we decided to meet for lunch.

Even though this person didn’t know me, she agreed to have me pick her up at her apartment. I was a little hesitant due to the fact that she lived in a part of the city that had a bad reputation. I pulled up to her small apartment complex, wondering what I was doing. Was this a good idea? Meeting a complete stranger that I had only known through emails. I walked upstairs to her apartment and knocked on the door. I was relieved when the person on the other side of the door looked like the woman in the pictures and not some dirty old man.

To my amazement our conversations during lunch went just as well as they did through the emails. Our lunch tasted great and the conversation was enjoyable. The two of us seemed to be hitting off quite well. During our conversation, she asked me if I had ever watched Grey’s Anatomy. When I told her that I had never seen it, she insisted that I needed to watch it. She told me that she had several episodes recorded and suggested that we go back to her apartment to watch them. Her kids were not due back for another two hours so there was plenty of time to get introduced to Grey’s Anatomy while getting to know my new friend better.

When we get to her apartment, she makes me a drink and then turns on Grey’s Anatomy. While getting comfortable on her couch, she begins describing the characters on the show to me. Something about a dreamy doctor and the nurse he is dating. Within 15 minutes of watching the world of love triangles within a hospital, there is a knock at the door. My date looks through the peephole and begins to panic because her ex-husband is there with their two young children much earlier than he had told her. She starts freaking out so I ask her what the problem is since they are divorced. My date begins to quickly explain to me that her ex-husband is still jealous and that the last guy she dated, he threatened to kill. She tells me that I need to hide in her bedroom closet.

As I sit in the tiny closet, my mind starts to wonder on if this is how I will leave this earth: stabbed to death in a tiny apartment. Will my death be documented in a tiny article in the Metro section of the newspaper? Man found murdered after watching Grey’s Anatomy with the ex-wife of a crazy man. Good times!

After what seemed like an eternity, the closet door opens and my date tells me that her crazy ex has left the building. Now, she is concerned with me meeting her two young kids. I tell her that I need to go home. She says that she will go and distract her kids so that I can leave. I have now moved from the closet to sitting on her bed. She goes into the living room to distract her children. Before I know it, the bedroom door opens and in walks her five-year old son. He looks up at me and asks “Who are you?” I tell him that I am a friend of his mom and I am trying to leave. He asks me why I want to leave and if I can stay and play.

His mom explains to him and his sister that her mom had a friend over to watch TV. I tell the kids and my date that it was nice meeting them and head for the front door. I run to my car and never look back. This was a one and done date for me. I have no intention of reliving this nightmare again and will not be pursuing any relationship with this nurse. First post-divorce date is an experience that I will never forget…being put in a closet.