I was watching CNN this morning and there was much talk of the new dollar coins coming out. Apparently the US mint is disappointed with the performance of the Sakajawea (Sakakawea? whatever her name is) golden dollar, and she is getting replaced. What revolutionary figure are they using to replace her? US Presidents. The new golden dollar coin will have George Washington on it. Well, that’s certainly new and exciting.

Then come the questions: Well, won’t we confuse it with a quarter? Thankfully they had an expert on hand to address such concerns as these. People will not confuse it with a quarter because it is gold in color, whereas the quarter is silver. Also, it is larger in circumference, heavier, and clearly not a fucking quarter.

The reason the mint is doing this is to generate interest in the dollar coin. Why does money need a PR campaign? It’s money, everyone wants it. They are saddened that the dollar coin does not circulate enough.

I can answer that. It’s because not one gives them to you, except the old automated stamp machine at the post office, which has since been replaced with one that takes credit cards. My brother and I went to the bank a couple weeks ago and he asked for a couple dollar coins just because he’d never had one before. The girls asked, “really, or are you joking?” Then she had to go into another room to get them because they don’t keep them on teller row. The bank doesn’t even have them readily available. Maybe work out a deal with the banks before dropping yet another dollar coin with a woman on it.

The mint is hoping to appeal to collectors with this new design scheme. What better way to get money to circulate than to make it appeal to collectors! Surely they will order them from the bank by the sackful and then—put them in a safe until they die. Then their heirs will look at them, say “these better be worth something” and bring them back to the bank.

Finally, the new coin with feature every president one after another, much like the wildly popular state quarters. The fun part is that Grover Cleveland, our only non-consecutive president, will have 2 different designs. So, the Grover Cleveland dollar will come out, then Benjamin Harrison, then Grover Cleveland again. Talk about anticlimactic. What’s Joe Coin-Collector to make of this? Clearly the US mint is screwing him and all of his nerdy friends over. He’ll shift his focus to stamps and the whole plan will fail.

Maybe if anyone knew anything about Grover Cleveland it would be a little exciting. Being on two different golden dollar coins will be all he’s ever known for, and I’m guessing it will mostly just confuse people.