Payback

My husband says I’m vindictive. Definition: “Strong or unreasoning desire for revenge: someone who harbors a grudge for a perceived wrongdoing. A person feels the need to get even.”

K. I concur. There have been times I have felt the need to pay it backwards…instead of pay it forward. I am a human being. I am a survivor. I was treated like a piece of meat!

I guess I could have curled up into a little ball and left this planet, as I know it. I am just not that sort. I’ve never killed anyone, though I took a shot at someone one time. It was purposeful. I am a good shot and I simply was sending the message, “Leave or you will pay – not me.” It worked.

It’s not that I am vindictive. I am just a creature of balance. When the chosen treatment of another human to me is not fair / nor warranted, I just seem to have the innate push to level the table.

I forgive. I am not unforgiving, truly. I have made too many mistakes in my life to not forgive another for his or her mistakes. That doesn’t mean I will foster a continuing friendship or continue to keep the relationship alive. I will forgive and move on.

I even try to go the extra mile. I go overboard to understand circumstances; I try to not be overwhelmed by what’s been done to me, but to step into the moccasins of another human being.

There is a point, though, that I draw the line of demarcation and step away from the lit dynamite. I declare my will, my desires, my stance on life and the workings of the Spirit from within me.

I never declare victory. The victory (it has been escaping with my life and the lives of my children) belongs to the power of God from within, and prayer. Without it I would have been a goner long ago.

I feel the gift of “choosing to fight back” has kept me alive. Never give up, and never give in. RIGHT IS MIGHT. (That doesn’t mean selfishness, blindness in vision). You know what it means. Listen.

2 Responses to “Payback”

DITTO!!!! For years peacemakers has been synonymous with peacekeepers. And more erroneously, that silence means there is peace. I know what it is like to “walk on egg shells” around people who force an ugly demeanor in the room. Christians have been taught to turn the other cheek as if it means to stand there and become a punching bag.

I’ve had to practice and practice to learn a balance of speaking up for myself and what is right and not letting folks “do me”, because inevitably, I’d do “vindictive” things passive aggressively. I learned how to cleverly get back without confrontation–it became self-righteous and prideful. I now believe it would have been more “righteous” to confront with maturity, love, fairness and courage.

I believe it is in our God-given nature to believe in justice and fair play. As you put it so well, it is not for a personal victory; but as stewards of law, order, justice balanced with grace, love, and mercy, it is for God’s glory as we’ve been given the chance to govern and protect ourselves and assist in governing globally as needed.