Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Oh this is one of those where I have no idea how to begin. My process in writing is weird and simple. Most sit with some sort of device even if it's purely paper and pencil, not me though. I am in my own head. That is where my writer lives, her hunkered down comfy cozy self. She is in there thinking, editing, reworking the whole thing until the body wants to sit and actually do the typing. I've always been this way. Roommates used to laugh at me in college. Have you started that paper yet? It's due tomorrow! I'd always have it completely written and completely perfect IN MY HEAD. Then the day it was due it's type it out. Rough drafts are for pussies.. ha ha ha (of course this is why I have so many spelling and grammar errors...) I love to write, I just dont love the actual writing.. ha ha...
Ever read Tommy-knockers? by Stephen King? He has that device that the writer just uses, it reads her thoughts and puts them to paper. Oh how I wish I had that. Of course then over half would need to be censored (X RATED!!) and the other half would need to be edited for content as my mind wanders like the dog on the movie "UP".... squirrel!!!! See I'm wandering off even now.

The beginning....
I had said I wanted to write a piece about how I am not reconciled. I do accounting work as a PAYING job. In that world "reconciliation" means to make sure all the numbers add up. Everything is accounted for all the zeros and decimal points align. In my world in this head of mine it means a similar thing, but without the numbers. My image of myself does not add up. My image in the mirror and my image in my head are not the same. The me I am inside is not the same as the me I see in the mirror... Which one is right? Which one is real? I am not reconciled....

In writing one of the first things you learn is self- i.e - your perspective, your point of view. It can get a bit philosophical here... Freud's model of the psyche.. the ID the EGO and the SUPER EGO. There is the self as you see you, the self as others see you, and the self that you truly are. Which self is REAL? Then comes the question of what is REAL? and oh my God I dont have time for all that and my head hurts from the thought of it. Maybe I had time for that in my 20's but now in my 40's I'm too busy trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and too worried I may have run out of time to make up my mind. Now I just know that these selves are not adding up.

In my head I am this attractive, funny, smart, pretty (not beautiful but pretty), girl who is always on the go. The girl who is always moving, never sits still and is always up to some new feat. I am this modern ninja warrior woman who kicks butt! The girl who has breakfast lunch and dinner made, kids dropped off at school, house cleaned, laundry started, a few phone calls made to get a $4000 check issued to finish off the new slide on the playground , bank book balanced, and status updated all before 9AM. This is the me of my head.

In the mirror, I am a tired, old, very over weight, fluffy, cranky, haggard.. hag. Old..hag. IN THE MIRROR that is who I am.

Where is the disconnect? (And jeez.. am I just schizophrenic??? After reading and re-reading those thoughts I sound like I might be?)

and then she thinks----

(I'm sitting here talking to myself- nay- arguing with my self over whether or not I am sane. That in and of itself may answer the question....)

ANY HOW-

So I struggle with this day in and day out. I see my beautiful daughter growing into this woman, and I am terrified (poop your pants, hair turns white, scared straight TERRIFIED) that she will become this unaccounted for column... How do I stop that? Nail biting, stomach in knots here.. How do I stop that from happening? By the end of my stories I usually have some perspective ladies and gents but not on this one. I really mean HOW? I really dont know. I am scared for her. Scared of the mean girls, the mean comments, the mean boys she will face if her body is not "just right." I am scared it will change the beautiful little soul she is right now. I am scared she will retreat into a shell and hide if those mean words are spoken to her and I KNOW they will be. Hell it has already begun. How do I shield her from this? How do I keep her safe?

It's not the same for boys. I dont worry about F and J this way. They will be fine. Pretty much none of a guy's self image is tied up in his reflection in the mirror. Good looking, or ugly, fat or thin, zit faced or baby faced.. a guy can still be THE GUY. The big fat guy can still get the girl, the car, the friends, the invites to the parties. He can still be popular. He can still be IN and he can still move around in our society without much of a grimace from anyone. NOT THE FAT GIRL. The fat girl wont be called for a date, she wont have a healthy relationship with a guy, she wont get asked to the prom, or have a herd of girl friends vying for her attention. She is punished day in and day out for who she is. The ugly girl too... but there is at least some small amount of sympathy for the ugly girl. She was born that way. NOT THE FAT GIRL. She must be LAZY.. a PIG.. she must stuff her face, eat bon bons while sitting on the sofa watching teen heart throb movies or soap operas. The fat girl is not just an outcast but she is actually and enemy, she is despised. She is like a virus the other girls think they might catch. They FEAR her, they fear they may become her.

I want my daughter to grow a penis so she never has to deal with this crap.....

(suddenly a light comes on and you were the first to witness this epiphany right here and now)

See I said I had no solution but there it is, the answer to all the problems women face day in and day out .... I just solved em all.! GROW A PENIS. There we go.. (she says as she brushes her hands together in the air) problem solved. I'll just tell Char to grow a penis. We will skip all the self image issues of teen years, we will hop right on over the MEAN GIRL BULLSHIT she will soon be facing, she will not worry about date rape, she will finish at the top of her class and get a high paying job without worry of sexual discrimination at all, she will always get the promotion, and she will never fear it was because the boss wanted to sleep with her- and it's all accomplished by the simple task of growing a fucking penis. Whew- what a relief.

Wow- okay- that is all- carry on..... anyone know a good plastic surgeon???