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Here is the Key To Unlocking Your Child’s Heart

April 24, 2015

Smart parents give their children a million answers. Wise parents ask their children a million questions. And so smart parents might know, but wise parents understand.

I love it when someone asks me a thoughtful question for three reasons. First, it shows that the other person cares enough to try to get to know me. Second, it shows curiosity – which is one of my favorite traits. Third, a thoughtful question offers me the opportunity to unlock rooms inside myself I’ve never explored before.

Besides myself and Craig – there are three people I want to understand more than I want anything else in the world. Their names are Chase, Tish, and Amma. These three are beautiful mysteries and loving them is the greatest adventure of my life. I just want to spend my whole life exploring their hearts and minds. So I do all the right things. I plan for exploring time: Family Dinners! Dates with mommy! Perfect. But then I sit down with my kid. There we are, looking at each other over a table with nothing between us but open space and time and love . . . and I cannot think of a single interesting thing to ask them. I got nothing. I’m a mother, so I’m tired. It’s just impossible to be creative when you’re tired. And so here’s what I end up saying: “So – how was your day?” Every parent knows that this rusty “how was your day” key doesn’t work but we keep trying it because it’s the only one we can find.

The trouble is that keys are only useful if you can get your hands on them.

SO LISTEN. I have good news. Tish’s teacher sent home a “Conversation Jar” filled with interesting questions that the students in Tish’s class created. I put this jar on the kitchen table and a few times a week, we take turns pulling out a question during dinner. THIS JAR HAS MAGICAL POWERS. It’s been months now and still, every time we open it – everyone at the table wakes up a little bit. Little eyes flicker back to life, folks sit up straight in their seats, the arguing stops, and it’s all “me firsts! Can I answer first, mom??” Even the tween, people. Even the tween. People want to be known. People want to be known so badly.

And so I reach in and pull out a key: “If you were an inventor – what would you invent, and why?” And then it’s quiet for a moment. Everyone makes her thinking face. They are searching themselves. They are looking inside to see what they’ll find and as soon as they find it: there it is – their hands fly up and they say: “I know I know!!” And then they pull something out of themselves that they didn’t even know was there. Look! Look what I found inside of me! And the family laughs or nods and either way we are saying: wow, that is so cool. I didn’t even know that about you! I didn’t even know that room inside of you existed. There are a billion little rooms inside each of your children that remain locked up, unexplored, and a good question can lead you right inside.

I love this jar because it livens up our evenings and helps me know my babies better – but it doesn’t end there. HERE IS AN IMPORTANT PART: Kids who learn to be self aware tend to become others aware and world aware. We want our children to understand themselves, the people in their lives, and the world they live in. This kind of awareness is what makes a good citizen. So we’ve written questions that unlock awareness on all three levels. You will notice that some of these questions ask a child to look within (What was your first thought when you woke up today?), others ask her to consider her peers (Who in your class seems lonely?) and others ask her to look at the world (What do you think is the biggest challenge facing our world today?). Kids must become explorers of themselves first, and then their eyes open to other people in their lives. It’s a process, teaching curiosity, awareness and compassion. This jar is a start.

I wanted to give you this gift. I said to myself: SELF! WE ARE GOING TO TEACH THE WORLD HOW TO MAKE THIS MAGICAL JAR! But then I picked it up and as soon as I realized ribbon was involved—I decided I was out of my league. But then I remembered that I might not have ribbon, but I HAVE MY COUSIN, ERIN.

FRIENDS, MEET ERIN!!!!!

Hello! It is so nice to meet you all today. Listen, I’ve never been a lucky person, but I truly hit the jackpot when I married my husband and won the family that came along with him. Shortly after meeting, Glennon and I developed a quick connection, bonding over our shared love of writing and teaching (the heart-ish side of it, not the craft-ish side of it, because: ribbons).

As a teacher, I often hear parents lament that their children, when asked what they did at school today, reply, “Nothing.”

Every morning, when I think about how much “nothing” I want to accomplish with my school kiddos, I return to this Dalai Lama quote again and again:

“It is vital that when educating our children’s brains,
we do not neglect to educate their hearts.”

This quote has lived in my teacher heart for awhile, and it now resides in my mama heart. And it lives in this jar.

Sure, these questions will jump start their tiny thinking caps, but more importantly, these little keys will unlock what lives in their hearts. The amazing thing about a key is that it has the ability to unlock doors but at the same time keep things safe. As a mom and a teacher, I can’t think of a better way to keep our people safe than to KNOW them. Knowing what makes them love, hurt, feel, help, and dream is the best safekeeping we’ve got.

Place the questions in a jar like this, and keep that jar handy for the sacred shared moments with your kids.

Watch the nothings become everythings.

You’ll notice there are 2 sets of questions. That’s because once you realize the beauty that is this jar, you will want to carry it everywhere with you. But we can’t do that. People might talk.

Instead, print out that second set and find your fanciest Ziploc baggie. Voila – Car conversations have never been so simple.

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You guys, I think sometimes the reason we don’t know what’s going on in each other’s lives is that we don’t ask.

Will you try this with us? And if you comment: could you leave a question that might be a key to a special place in a kids’ heart that might go otherwise unopened? We’ll keep them all for when we all need Key Jar refills!

The other day I asked my girls what animal they would be and asked them to tell me about why, what os it about that animal… etc… they loved it!
I also asked what color they would be if they were a color. Now I’m thinking what song…

I just found this website when searching conversation starters for kids. Erin was my son’s teacher last year and we love her! She is amazing! Thanks for sharing the Key Jar. Glennon-what a great testimony you have, I look forward to reading your book!

This is a beautiful post. And a great idea. It is fun and special to explore different parts of ourselves. With children we need to teach and learn. So much can be learned from their limitless minds where imagination never ends. What a great way to connect with our inner child as well. Thank you for sharing this idea.

We started doing the questions a few nights ago and my 9 year old son was somewhat hesitant but willing to go along. He asked if he could add a slip to the jar and we said “yes of course”. He wrote “Star Wars”. So now every night we do one slip from the original questions (which he seems to have bought into now) and he also pulls the Star Wars slip and gets to ask us a question about Star Wars. Classic! Whatever it takes for buy in…

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! It goes so much further than our typical “best part, worst part” conversations at dinner, (which I still enjoy), and is great for those long car rides where typically everyone is on her own device.

This bog post is priceless! And useful not only to parents/grandparents, but to all of us, who want to be other centered, drawing out people’s hearts with love and care, but feel we lack skills to do so. Thank you! Added thought: when someone responds to you by saying, ‘Good question!’ and then are silently pondering, and indeed have no immediate answer, your question is still valuable. You’ve stirred their own curiosity about themselves, which may take them to valuable learnings.
Question for Glennon: Do you think there are questions asked by dads that can reach places of a child’s heart that a similar question asked by a mom, won’t? I note most of the comments to the article are from people who are likely female.

I have been doing this with my grandkids since they were little.. I love to hear their comments and know what they are feeling.
Here are a couple of my questions:
If you could pick one person in your school to be friends with who would it be, and why?
What teacher do you learn from the most, what does she do that makes you want to learn ?
What will you remember most about Papa and what has he taught you that you will always remember?
So many….just enjoy, it is such a blessing when they open their hearts and mind to share with you.

I’m a piano teacher and I plan to use this during the year to help my students create a positive attitude when they come for their lesson. I hope to share the link to this story with my grandchildren’s parents, too.
love the print out!

You could ask…if you suddenly had to leave this world, what is the most important attribute about yourself that you would want others to remember you by? Do you think we all have spiritual gifts? If so, what is yours? And my all time favorite question to any age is…what is your favorite color? We often ask this to children but when you ask an adult, they kind of repeat the question back and then smile and say BLUE! That’s what I say anyway!

I do highs and lows with my kids at bedtime. LOVE it! I might need to think of a different name for it though. One of my kids accidentally mixed up the words one night and called it “Lies and Ho’s”, and now they say it on purpose because they think it sounds funny. Oops! LOL

There are so many children that are from divorced homes. Some times there are issues with visitation, a new step parent or new step siblings, new rules for both homes. There are a million questions to ask (carefully). These would be helpful for families to help the children to get thru tough times by getting them to “turn the key” and open a door to themselves and others.

Thankyou for this. We started something similar at Christmas and it works so well.
What’s the one thing you’d love to tell people about yourself but you’re too scared of being judged or rejected for it?
When I went through a depression and even at other times in my life when I felt so different from others, I was dying for people to ask this question of me.
Another good one would be, If you could have someone do something really amazing for you what would that be? This might allow a child to realise where they need a helping hand in life.

LOVE this idea!! Would you mind also posting a blank template so that we can fill in more questions of our own? Obviously we could just write them on little pieces of paper, but your formatting is just so cute and it would be lovely to match ☺️

Printing your questions now. How about this question, it’s a fun one my children and I answer every year or so… If you could go any place in the world where would you go? Why?

I just asked my teenage daughter “What do you love about yourself?” and she said, “I love that people can come to me when they’re sad.” W O W ! If I didn’t love her with all that I am already, that answer would make me love her even more. Thanks for giving me the tool to receive the gift of that answer!

Thank you for this post. We (the parents) have 2 books of questions that have provided hours of entertainment, but I never considered it for my 6 year old. I have printed this out and am now cutting apart the questions.
Cheers from Portland, OR.