Bad Song Lyrics – Whenever, Wherever

November 14, 2014

Here we are again for another installment of my “Bad Song Lyrics” series. Because there are still so many lyrics out there that need to be pored over and examined to a ridiculous degree. Today, we poke around in Shakira’s business. Maybe this isn’t fair. Maybe I shouldn’t be sarcastically scrutinizing the lyrics of a song that wasn’t originally written in English. Too bad.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=weRHyjj34ZE?rel=0]

“Whenever, Wherever”

Lucky you were born that far away so We could both make fun of distance Lucky that I love a foreign land for The lucky fact of your existence

Ok, we’re setting the scene. Two factors become important here; 1) you don’t really understand the concept of ‘luck’; and 2) this is a song about a long distance relationship. Right. Gotcha.

Baby I would climb the Andes solely To count the freckles on your body Never could imagine there were only Ten Million ways to love somebody

Ah, solo mountaineering. The easiest way to get the sexy sunburnt, rough skinned, unkempt, unshowered look that guys really go for. But I see your metaphorical point. You would do all kinds of outrageous and potentially dangerous things for the chance to spend a minimal amount of time pestering this person. That’s not desperate at all. Nor is your insistence on counting “the ways to love somebody”. What is that about, anyway?! How many ways were you expecting? You seem a little disappointed with 10 million, but I assure you, it’s probably more than adequate.

Le ro lo le lo le, Le ro lo le lo le

Possibly the most sensible line I’ve read thus far.

Can’t you see I’m at your feet

Maybe he can’t see. Maybe he’s really fat. Have you considered this? You don’t see each other all that often, it could happen. Hey though, look on the bright side, more freckles for you to count!

Whenever, wherever We’re meant to be together I’ll be there and you’ll be near And that’s the deal my dear

Ok. That’s fine. I’d just like to point out that if you’re together all the time then you’re not “making fun of distance”. We’ve already deviated from the original purpose of the song…

Thereover, hereunder You’ll never have to wonder We can always play by ear But that’s the deal my dear

Ok, well this one is quite impressive. I know many a person for whom English is a first language who have never bothered to use the words ‘thereover’ or ‘hereunder’ even in conversation amongst friends. Much less together in a format intended for mass public consumption. However, in the next two lines you state that it’s part of the ‘deal’ you guys have to ‘play by ear’. Basically, you have a deal and the deal is to do whatever you want to do it as you want to do it. That’s not much of a deal…

Lucky that my lips not only mumble They spill kisses like a fountain

Ah, we’re back to ‘lucky’ again. Enunciation is key to proper communication in any relationship. And fountains don’t spill kisses. They don’t really ‘spill’ anything. They just kind of spurt water out in a decorative fashion. If it’s spilling you probably should call a plumber.

Lucky that my breasts are small and humble So you don’t confuse them with mountains

No, no, on this one you’re right. That is lucky. I myself have quite large(ish) breasts and I can’t tell you the frustration I feel every time I hear a knock at the door, and upon answering it finding a team of men assembled in full mountaineering costume. Confusion is rife! The disappointment on their faces when I have to explain that the twin peaks they had hoped to ascend are merely fleshy boobsicles, it’s awful. But with smaller breasts this could all be avoided.

Lucky I have strong legs like my mother To run for cover when I need it

Oh yeah, it’s the weak legs that leave most people heartbroken. Not unrealistic, long distance relationships, but the legs that give out when you run for metaphorical cover.

And these two eyes that for no other The day you leave will cry a river

Ah, so you’re already suspecting that it will go tits up any day now. Best to start preparing. We’ve got a whole chorus to get through.

Le ro le le lo le, Le ro le le lo le At your feet I’m at your feet

Whenever, wherever We’re meant to be together I’ll be there and you’ll be near And that’s the deal my dear

Thereover, hereunder You’ll never have to wonder We can always play by ear But that’s the deal my dear

Ditto.

Le ro le le lo le, Le ro le le lo le Think out loud Say it again

Do we need to get medical intervention? Are you having a stroke? I think you’re losing the power of speech. You’re slurring. It’s one of the signs.

Le ro lo le lo le lo le Tell me one more time That you’ll live Lost in my eyes

Yep. That’s a stroke all right.

Whenever, wherever We’re meant to be together I’ll be there and you’ll be near And that’s the deal my dear

Thereover, hereunder You’ve got me head over heels There’s nothing left to fear If you really feel the way I feel

And there we have it folks, it took us the whole song, but it has turned slightly threatening. Nothing left to fear if you feel the way she does. If not however…