An Open Letter To The Academy On Behalf Of Uggie

My mom says I am many things, among them: smart, hilarious, beautiful, pretty, extremely shed-y, bitchy, loud, psycho, trouble-making, and loving. One adjective she would not use to describe me is “talented.” Don’t worry — she accepts full responsibility for the fact that my sole trick is catching a ball in my mouth. I learned to pin down my soft, squeaky toy and hump it, but my mom says that while it’s funny and adorable, it is not really a talent that wins awards. But that’s why I’m writing — I think dogs should be able to win big awards for their talents, in particular their talents on the big screen. And so, I write to you to urge you to allow Uggie, the dog from “The Artist,” a shot at winning an Oscar at the 2012 Academy Awards.

Mind you, I haven’t seen the whole film; movie theaters are still not allowing dogs inside the premises, even dogs like me who would never make any noise, promise. But my mom found some clips online of Uggie working his magic in the film, and I gotta say, WOW. No offense to the other wonderful actors in “The Artist,” but Uggie really stole the spotlight. Now, I know what your argument is going to be: Uggie can’t possibly go up against top contenders like Ryan Gosling (my future dad, FYI) and George Clooney, because his wasn’t even a speaking role. But may I remind you, no one in “The Artist” speaks — it’s a silent movie! Yet no one is talking about Jean Dujardin and BéréniceBejo being ineligible for a nomination.

I’m not alone in thinking Uggie deserves his due. There is a growing web campaign fighting for this very thing!Uggie even has his own Twitter account! (I had one too until I made the mistake of drunk-tweeting and now I prefer to keep my social/love life offline.) The world wants Uggie to have a fair shot! So even if you don’t take my words seriously because I’m nothing but a smart, hilarious, beautiful, pretty, extremely shed-y, bitchy, loud, psycho, trouble-making, loving, but untalented dog, you should really listen to them. Because who else will see the movies you’re so interested in celebrating?