I was on a journey to do something different in the summer of 2009, because I am overweight and have not been physically active for awhile. I I gave up my house and moved to Portland, Oregon in May 2011 because I have always wanted to live there. There, I found out that I had cancer in several places and had surgeries to remove them. I am still fighting and living each day as it comes. I have changed many things I was doing. It's a journey.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Being Part of a Group

I have never been part of any group. That is why I don't mind not having a following for my blogs. I don't follow anyone else's that much. I often say I am a Buddhist but I am not that much of one to be honest. I don't fall into one particular sect. One person called me a "salad bar Buddhist" in that I take what I want and leave the rest behind. That's true.

There have been times when I have been in groups and there is a mass hysteria going on and I was glad I did not feel it. I just watched it. I usually don't follow fads although the few times I did I understood why people did for it as it does give one a feeling of belonging and inclusion. I did not bond with my family of origin because it was so dysfunctional, I chose inanimate things such as books and fictional characters.

This characteristic has served me well as a journalist and writer. Sometimes, I feel left out of things, but as a whole I like it. I am not trusted by others completely though and again this has its downside. I think as the world changes it is more common for people to live on the outside of society as I do. The Internet with its social engines such as Facebook and Tweet were made for people such as me. I don't require the intimate closeness of people.

There is an element within me that mistrusts intimacy because of the experiences that I had. Don't get me wrong. I am a very happy person for the most part. Being a writer is a good fit for me. I do have friends and some of them are like me. We are happy being solitary and in fact require some time alone to more or less restore the batteries. I knew a married couple who got along very well because they lived in different houses. They had their own interests they pursued although the only intimate relationship is between themselves. There are couples that have other lovers and I am not talking about these couples. I will not pretend to understand that. The first time I was married, I had trouble in that my spouse did not want to be alone. He did not understand that I had other interests and hobbies that did not include him. The biggest problem was he did not have any interests or hobbies, but that is another matter.

No one is responsible for the happiness of another. This is hard for some people to understand. I have all that I can handle taking care of myself; and to be responsible for someone else is just too much. When I was a single parent it was part of my duty to take care of my children. My kids are all grown up now. I don't want a fully functioning adult to care for. Many men feel they need a woman to take care of them. I see it all of the time, and there are plenty of women who are willing to perform this for them. This is not for me.

I noticed long ago that people are afraid of being alone. I am afraid of not being alone. Work places are full of people who are not at work to earn a living as much as to be with others in a group setting. Some people who do not have to work for economical reasons still do. Many senior centers are full of volunteers who need and desire to work for free just to be with others. I don't. I don't mind volunteering if there is a need, but I remember the first time realizing that the competition was as strong as it was for paying jobs. Since I work at home, I decided I could stay at home instead.

If this was the past, I would have been considered a hermit especially if I was male. It is not safe for women to live alone in the mountains so I live alone in the city. There is safety living alone in communities such as in the United States. There are many countries where women living alone would be at great risk. Some men do not like to see women living alone because it seems to be a affront to their manhood that women could do without them. Often women live with other women for this reason especially if some of them have children.

There is a growing trend in the world community right now where banks and other organizations are realizing that if they invest in women, they can get more for that investment as woman are more likely to be successful and make sure their children are fed and educated then men who might invest any money given to them at the nearest pub or other house of pleasure. Women do well in groups of economic units and the trend is expanding not only to other countries but continents as well. Loners are not part of this phenomena. We are the artists, writers, poets and others who might employ others like ourselves. We do better in religious communities.

It takes all kinds of people to make this world. I remember writing in a journal when a man who I knew slightly came up and while looking at a couple with kids told me that if I did not spend so much time writing I could have what that woman had. I was astonished and said that I did not want what she had. I was quite content being where I was writing in my journal. My kids were grown and I enjoyed my grandchildren from time to time; but I did not want to be in that situation at all. He got mad at me. He said I was denying my destiny. Needless to say we did not remain friends.

I am glad I am not part of a group. I am glad I am where I am right now. When some people thought I should be jealous of those in a certain couple situations, I went along with it. I thought they must be right. It has taken me a while to think for myself in all ways. No, I don't want to be with someone all of the time. I do like people who give me the space to be myself. The friends I have give me that space and I hope I give that space to them as well. I also am willing to admit the truth too. I had paid too much attention to others. I am glad I am me and others should be too.