Mark Patinkin: This formerly loyal customer will be tempted no more

Dear McDonald’s: This is a hard letter for me to write. The two of us have been together a long time. It has been 50 years since I had my first McDonald’s hamburger. And fries. Even then I knew you weren’t...

This is a hard letter for me to write. The two of us have been together a long time. It has been 50 years since I had my first McDonald’s hamburger. And fries.

Even then I knew you weren’t healthy, and I’d sometimes feel lousy after being with you. But I didn’t care, because you were a classic romantic temptress: Bad for me but seductive.

I fell in love. And remained in love.

I saw you less as I got older, but could never let go. Often without telling anyone, I’d meet you for an illicit rendezvous. You were still my temptress. So it’s sad for me to have to tell you this, but I have no choice.

Yes, I was with you for your burgers and fries. But I wanted them with Heinz. And now you’re denying me. After 50 years of loyalty ... how could you?

I thought you knew me, McDonald’s — knew that my father taught me to love four things above all others:

Family, integrity, baseball ...

… and Heinz.

“Nectar of the Gods, my boy,” he’d call it.

He — and we — put it on everything: Steak, lamb chops, chicken. And of course, McDonald’s hamburgers.

Heinz is even one reason I exist. My dad told me that when he was courting my mom, she was a mediocre cook, but he just poured Heinz on everything she made, which worked, so he decided to ask her to marry him after all.

Our household always had a half-dozen back-up bottles. We could have survived running out of electricity, even money — but not Heinz. We never once bought an alternate brand. Ketchup aficionados know that all others are poseurs.

Yet I now hear that you, McDonald’s, are going to use a substitute. Were you a woman who told me I had to pick between her and Heinz, I would take her face in my hands, look deep in her eyes and tell her how much I will miss her.

As I will miss you.

The news reports say you are doing it for a petty reason. The owners of Heinz just made the former CEO of Burger King the new Heinz boss. McDonald’s decided they don’t want to do business with a former rival. So they’re done with Heinz.

Worse, the stories said you’ve been phasing out Heinz for a while and only have had it recently in two domestic markets — Minneapolis and Pittsburgh. How come I never knew this? I feel we’ve been living a lie. And don’t try to say this proves there’s no difference, because I’m sure on some deep level … as lovers always do … I just knew.

I can’t tell you how deeply this wounds me. Fifty years we’ve been together. Couldn’t you have gritted your teeth and remained true to me about the thing I care so much about — ketchup?

I’ve certainly been true to you. That’s how most Americans are with fast-food joints. We pick one. And stick with it. I mean, sure, I’ve hit up others sometimes, but you were my truest love.

Admittedly, I wasn’t crazy about everything you did. I never liked the pickles you put on the burgers. Or the mustard. That’s why I was relieved when you came up with the “Have it your way,” campaign so I could order just with ketchup. Wait … that was Burger King’s campaign. Sorry. Mental lapse. I would never mix you up with another paramour.

Then again, since breakups are a time for honesty, I’ll also admit I cheated on you more as the years went by. When I began to worry about things kids aren’t aware of — like cholesterol — I started getting Mandarin chicken salads at Wendy’s. Plus, my children became “BK” freaks.

But they loved McDonald’s, too. Unless you’re some commie, who doesn’t love McDonald’s? Now that I think of it, you actually have outlets in China and Vietnam, so Communists do love you.