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I wanted to let you know exactly how grateful I am that you are who you are. I know that as a celebrity you get a lot of undue attention from the public and the media in general about a whole lot of things -- some deeply personal and others quite silly and superficial. Pay no attention to them, especially if you hear yet another crass reference to the size of your behind!

It is because of you that this poor little Filipina girl from the ghetto in Winnipeg can now realize her childhood dream of being a world-class martial artist. There has always been this one technique that I have constantly struggled with in the seven years that I've trained in Aikido. You see, unlike you, I was never blessed with much prominence in the posterior. People often mistake us Filipina for being Hispanic and vice versa, but in this particular area of the anatomy there is simply no comparison. Unfortunately, the Koshinage throw that has been giving me so much difficulty called for more of a "shelf" in the rear end upon which to briefly rest the opponent you are throwing. You can imagine the frustration.

It was not until last night, when I thought of this distinctive physical characteristic of yours that after years of struggle, I had a breakthrough -- "If only I had J. Lo's butt," I mused, and (unable to afford cosmetic surgery like someone of your wealth and stature might) wondered what would happen if I merely pretended that I had been more substantially endowed in this area. What do you know, I stuck my ass out and by golly it worked! From now on, I will think of you every time I throw someone.

Thanks to you, I can now achieve greatness as a martial artist beyond my wildest imagination! Thirty years from now, when I am a Shihan, I will travel the globe teaching Koshinage "the J. Lo way". Generations of Aikidoka to come will remember Jennifer Lopez neither as a dancer or musician, nor by her countless failed high-profile relationships and certainly not by all those unfortunate movies. No, she will always be remembered for how her gluteus maximus gave hope to a poor little Filipina girl from the ghetto in Winnipeg!

God bless you, Jennifer Lopez. Don't you change a thing, no matter what the tabloids say.