Archive for November, 2012

It seems strange writing to you here, but I guess it’s better this way. Maybe someday you’ll come across this and read it, and maybe you won’t, and it won’t matter anyway. (Yes I admit, there’s a big part that hopes you’ll read this) But I need to say what I need to say. So this is in many ways, more for me than for you. So I hope you’ll indulge me.

I finally finished the application essays last night. It took me till 830 but it’s done. It’s funny how I’ve been putting it off for the longest time, and it was slow-going at first, but when the words came I couldn’t let it go. And I feel good after writing them; like they were the best fruits after a protracted labour. Perhaps you feel the same way too, about all the hard work you’ve done this semester, according to your tweets. (No, I’m not stalking: call it lingering concern if you want). But I think you will agree with me it feels good when you put in effort and you see it in some kind of finality.

This whole semester has been in a way like that for me – a lot of pain and effort but a lot of joy and learning and growth in the end. There’s so much I want to tell you, so much of what’s happened I want to share, only with you, because I don’t think anyone else will really, truly, somehow understand. But I guess, maybe for now, that’s not going to happen. And that’s probably and partly why I blogged about them so much, so there’s a record for me, and for you, if you ever want to read about them.

I miss you. I miss the little interactions, the extended collaborations, spending time with you while you were chasing one dream and I another. I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel terrible about the way things turned out, everytime I think about it. But I’d be a greater liar if I said I wanted things to go back to the way they were. I guess we’ve both changed a lot since then – well, I know I have. I know I may sound confused and confusing at the moment, but even though I have to face the cold hard reality that you never saw and felt things the way I saw and felt them, those moments did exist, did occur in some form, for me, at a particular phase of my life and who am I to deny them? For those moments, however short, I am grateful.

I know we’re not meant to be together – I’ve always known that, so telling you then really wasn’t about hoping some wish fulfillment fantasy comes true, but about coming to terms with the truth of how I felt. And still feel. I don’t know if we absolutely cannot maintain some kind of acquaintance now, or in the future. I don’t know what tomorrow holds. I don’t know if we will ever speak again. I don’t know if I have the courage, or the maturity, or the emotional stability even, to say goodbye when the time comes. So that’s partly why I’m writing this here, now.

But I do know why I never once considered myself your mentor, because frankly I don’t deserve to be regarded as one. It’s too much responsibility to be placed on some kind of pedestal, held as a role model and all that fuddy duddy goody two shoes stuff, when all I am is human, fallible and human. So I always saw myself helping you out as a friend. On good days now I even dare to dream that we had a friendship; on bad days I realise you probably never saw in me the same way and kind of friend as I saw in you. But that’s ok too, because life’s too short to quibble and we all have to move on and grow and be the light in someone else’s lives. So there’s a part in me, of me, that still naively hopes, that we’ll be friends the way I want us to be. But there’s also the part which acknowledges the reality, and wants to leave it be. And finally, there’s a part which says, I don’t know what the future brings.

So that’s it. That’s basically what I was, am and will say if we ever had the conversation that I always wanted to have with you after telling you the truth. I once wished you all the happiness in the world. I still do.

This, then, is for all those times I wanted to say more than any superficial greetings could. For all those dinners and coffees and edits on the essays. For the screening at SMU. For what could have been. And can still be.

Finally put in my online application yesterday. Didn’t really plan to at first, because I thought it would require more than it did, but then keying it all in, I thought oh why the hell not. Paid the fee too. So now I’m just left with the essays and the hard copy can go off as well. But I’m having trouble starting on them – it’s like what exactly should I write? If I was giving guidance counselor advice to myself, I would say be honest and show how the programme is the right thing for you at the moment, occupationally and personally. But easier said than done. Now I kind of understand what the kiddos go through, with the exams done and having to do this.

And even though now that everything’s done and dusted, work-wise, I find myself torn between tying up all the loose ends like cleaning and packing my workspace, and slacking around doing absolutely nothing. I’m even dragging my feet restarting the exercise regime. It’s funny how you spend the most part of the year wanting this time of the year more than anything, but when it finally is here you still think it’s a waste to waste the time doing nothing.

I really should get cracking on the essays, even though the deadline’s in March. I need to pack my workspace before works start on the 3rd of next month. Training restarts 7th; so does chaperoning. Oh no what if there isn’t really any real downtime at all? Or worse, what if I really can’t appreciate downtime anymore? Of course, much of what I’m doing is really prep for next year, which will come sooner than everyone thinks and then pretty soon it’ll be May and then July. And then hopefully we begin again.

So ‘Blood and Chrome’ premiered online 2 Fridays ago, and already I can’t wait for more. Young Adama is channeling Tom Cruise’s Maverick, but the standout character surely is his ECO, played by Ben Cotton. Makes me want to rewatch all my BSG eps during the hols.

And I had my WR yesterday. It was a pain but at least it was short. And at least we all know where exactly the cards are laid out on the table. Only this time I’m making my own hand. Do I have anything else to add? Well, hasn’t it all been said already? And when all’s said and done, what matters is that you chose to do the convenient thing over the right thing.

Thank you Niners for the ice-cream treat. After all we’ve been through this year, it was the sweetest and most appropriate ending anyone could think of. I enjoyed myself tremendously in conversation with everyone who could turn up. For those who regretfully could not, you were missed and thought of and indeed spoken about.

So what comes next for us? That day in April. Till then, I know you would have grown quite a bit and 2013 will bring its own joys and tears. I have really grown this year in The Job and I think you all have too. I can’t think of better people to spend my last full year with. It has been quite a journey. For all the memories. For all the frustration of stagnation and the triumph of growth. For all the countless things that can be said or unsaid, thank you. It is a ride I won’t forget.