Dick Cheney: Human Latrine

Former U.S. Vice-President and Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney has found an unusual role for himself in his post-Washington life: human latrine for the U.S. Troops stationed in Iraq.

Given that the death of Osama bin Laden has retroactively de-legitimized most of the "war on terror" actions taken by the previous, Republican, two-term administration — one which, incidentally, took a period of unparalleled economic growth and reversed it into a financial nosedive which tripled the national debt and nearly shook the global financial warhorses to their very core — higher-ups (esp. those who rarely show their face in public) decided it was time to take some "evasive action" if the by-now so-called "Republican" party was to retain even a shred of credibility with the American public.

Enter Dick Cheney.

Cheney had been known — for years— as an unrepentant, unapologetic coward: a man who earned four (4) draft deferments for himself during the Vietnam war, two (2) of them occasioned by the birth of two daughters, one of whom turned out to be a lesbian (like her mother, secretly, insiders say) and the other, a rabid Ann Coulter-like ideologue who makes "her Dad look tame" (again, according to insiders, who refused to be named for this article).

Ultimately, the "ribbing" from the peer group he craved so much proved to be too much for Cheney to take, and — given the egregious supplies-shortages our ground troops were suffering in Iraq, due to both a lack of foresight and planning on the part of the U.S. government as well as cavalier "old-boy network" contract-granting on the part of Cheney's old financial monolith, Halliburton — when the opportunity arose to "relieve" our troops in the line of duty, Cheney jumped at the chance.

And how does the former executive and second-in-command to the Leader of the Free World handle himself in the "line of fire"?

"Well, I'm not gay or nothin'," offered P.F.C. Brandon Showalter, from Montgomery, Alabama, "but he's really got that 'catheter mouth' thing down pat, and, if it comes to that, I'll just be like, 'Well, okay, I guess I'll just piss in HERE!'"