Wash, DC - ( March 17) -
A White House spokesman admitted today that the White
House had accepted illegal Chinese campaign
contributions aimed at influencing US national policy.

"We were offered $2 million dollars," The spokesman
said, "If we would push for legislation making the
Chinese fire drill the official fire drill of the United
States of America."

The spokesman stated that, though the money was
accepted, the legislation was never sought, and,
instead, the White House had simply made a token
gesture, by requiring all passengers to execute a full
Chinese fire drill anytime the Presidential motorcade or
any government vehicle was stopped at a stoplight, stop
sign, railroad crossing or toll booth.

National "Get Shit-faced Day" --
Americans all over America celebrated National "Get
Shit-faced" day, today, by getting royally shit-faced
and beating the fucking shit out of each other in
arguments over who's the biggest dickhead, in barroom
brawls all over town.

Many of the celebrants opted to wear the traditional
green, because it blends in so well with puke.

President Clinton put in a special call to O'Brien's Pub
to wish all the well-wishers well, telling them how he
wished he could be there with them, getting shit-faced
an all, but apparently alcohol doesn't mix too well with
the PCP and crystal meth he's on, right now.

Citing the old compassion-fatigue-syndrome defense and
clearly over-leveraged in the manic headspace
department, the President suddenly got really pissed and
told everybody to "just shut the fuck up and mind your
own business," then abruptly hung up the phone.

Meanwhile, in Ireland, the home of ire, people just sat
around reading Dylan Thomas, listening to Thomas Dolby,
and gracefully smoking dope.

Major Calls for UK Elections --
English or British or UK or whatever Prime Minister, Jim
or Joe or John or whoever Major, today, called for
national elections to be held on May 1st.

According to the British system of Parliamentary
government, the Prime Minister is allowed to call for
new elections whenever the fuck he feels like it.

"I'm calling this election," said Major, "Not simply
because I fucking feel like it -- but because, how else
can we get our fair share of illegal Chinese campaign
contributions?"

US Congress resigns --
Saying they were all a bunch of disingenuous,
money-grubbing, slimeball, egomaniacal, self-important,
self-righteous, self-centered, soulless, dishonest
buffoons, the members of the 105th Congress all
submitted their resignations today, in order to give the
American people a chance to rethink what the fuck
they're about.

The hypocritical, double standard, red herring,
disingenuous, straw man, emperor's new clothes,
self-righteous, sanctimonious, ass-licking, pampered
members of the press immediately applauded them for
their "honesty and courage."

Disney Announces New Unit --
The Walt Disney Company announced the formation, today,
of a new division or spinoff or whatever, which will
combine several small corporate-creative entities
recently purchased by Disney. The new company, Hannibal
Lecter-Barberra, as the name implies, will produce
gruesome, ultra-violent, animated features for
pre-school kids and toddlers.

The Press Resigns --
The Press called a press conference today to announce
that they were getting the fuck out of the business of
pretending that things that don't matter
do matter, and that things that do matter,
don't matter.

"From now on," said a press spokesman, "We will only
cover things that matter, in an honest and objective
fashion."

The spokesman refused to take further questions and,
along with the rest of the press, promptly went home and
went to sleep for the rest of the millennium.

Mexican Drug Czar/Kingpin Escapes --
The William Bendix of Mexico, speaking to an empty
table, kind of indirectly indicated, today, that alleged
drug kingpin and drug czar, William Bennett, had escaped
from police custody during an unexpected earthquake
which occurred while the car that was transporting him
was stuck in traffic behind an unexpected thunderstorm
and nearby LA police shootouts.

According to Drug Lord Squad members, Starsky and
Hutch, they'd have Bennett re-captured in a day or two.
According to Bennett, they'd never see him again.
According to drugs, "If Bennett isn't around to sell us,
then somebody else will be. So blow me."