90% EMPTY ROOM – As a prelude to February’s annual celebration of African-American history and culture, the University of Michigan Division of Student Affairs held its inaugural, ill-attended Social Justice-Themed Dance Party in the Michigan League last Monday in memory of the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Sources from inside the event reported that despite the laughably short list of attendees, the party was thoroughly enjoyed by each and every South Quad resident advisor.

“It was really great to see everyone come out and have a jammin’ time in support of social justice!” said South Quad RA Angela Brodsky. “Of course, I see them all pretty much every week at our ResStaff meetings. But we all really let loose for the cause!”

When questioned as to which cause she was referring, Ms. Brodsky shrugged, saying, “you know…social justice?”

Marsha Richmond, an event coordinator with University Housing, was initially surprised by the turnout. “We booked catering for about three hundred,” said Richmond, “but only forty showed up…all exactly on time. Let me tell you, I went home with heck of a lot of bruschetta that night.”

“And, honestly, they were all ResStaff, so I’m pretty sure they get free food at the cafeteria anyway,” added Richmond.

In keeping with the theme of social justice, the DJs played a mix of songs from Lady Gaga, Macklemore, and Adam Lambert exclusively, as there were no other artists requested. Sources confirmed that the songs “Same Love” and “Born This Way” were played approximately three dozen times, respectively, interspersed with soundbites from Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Harvey Milk, and “that one guy from the Kony 2012 video.”

Reportedly, there was one non-RA in attendance. The individual, an LSA freshman from Markley, had wandered into the event by accident while searching for a gender-neutral bathroom. Upon discovering there was no such bathroom, the RAs in attendance “apologized profusely” to the individual “for the injustice,” refusing to let the student leave until they had all signed a petition for “non-cisgender bathrooms on every floor of every building.”

Attendees are now hailing the scarcely-attended dance party as a shining example of how the University has endeavored to raise awareness for contemporary movements in social justice. According to South Quad RA Shawn Peters, events like this “really bring social justice, stifling political correctness, and empty dance floors into people’s heart and minds.”

At press time, Peters and his fellow RAs were busy planning their Anti-Anti-Semitism Ice Cream Social.