I know I have not written in awhile but things have been crazy in my life. With DH gone for work out of state thing began to spin slowly out of control. I began to feel lost and wasn’t sure where things were going anymore. We ended up taking a break from DD.

I have learned from the last few months that when you are made to submissive
(whether it is a deep desire rarely spoken of or something that anyone can see) when you begin to deny those feelings things will begin to spin faster and faster out of control. Things got worse and worse between until we began to wonder if it was over, if we were done.

I am so thankful for two stubborn people who love each other and refuse to give up! We began to talk and to look deeply at what was wrong and how we each were feeling. We realized that when things began to get crazy instead of stopping DD we needed to step it up. We need to become more involved in DD.

I realized that DD is one of those things in my life that I need. It grounds me and allows me to know where I belong. I know what my job is in my world and how to interact with the one I love the most. When we began to lose it I no longer felt secure. I felt like I was losing myself and that caused me to spin wildly out of control. That was because I was losing myself, why I no longer knew where I belonged. Being submissive, is part of how I was born, it is a part of who I am, so when I left it behind, I was leaving a piece of myself behind. I was tossing a piece of myself out.

I know now that I can’t change it, I can’t fight it and I won’t be ashamed of it!

As those of you who read my blog on a regular basis know, my DH has been gone for a while with work. This has been a hard time for both of us. He is home right now for a visit before he has to go back.

I have slipped a lot in my language and my behavior with him gone a lot these last 6 months, so it has been decided that we will be doing a mini boot camp this weekend. I am expected to obey immediately and not to argue with him. We did a maintenance spanking last night and again this morning. I am a bit sore but not to bad. I’m sure that will change by the end of the day.

I know that I really need this time with him because last night I kept moving out of position even during the first few swats. This is a huge sign that I am not where I should be in terms of DD. I did do better this morning though, so maybe I’m not in as bad a place as I first thought.

I know I have blogged about the fact that some times it seems as if I live 2 lives. That I have my DD world and life and the my normal one but I have to say that they are both who I truly am and at times I struggle with the need to keep them separate. That being said I love when I can have a bit of an overlap.

This last week I was able to meet someone from my Dd life in my normal life. It was great. It really hit it off. We seem to have a good number of things in common and the same way of looking at life. I love when this happens, I love when I meet someone in RL that practices DD and we can develop a friendship. It is nice to have people around you who understand your life and the things that happen. In addition to this they will most likely end up moving to my area so I will get to spend some time getting to know them better and hopefully have some RL friendship who are close enough to spend time with.

I received my first switching this last weekend. I hadn’t really done anything wrong but we needed to reconnect. We were camping so there were not a lot of options so he decided to go with a switch. I tried to talk him into just using his hand but failed miserably. Since this was the first time I had felt a switch and I wasn’t in trouble he allowed me to keep my panties up (rarely happens) and he didn’t use full force.

It still stung like the dickens!!! I have always had a fear of the belt and the switch but he had never used one before. All I know is that I hope I never have to experience one when I am in trouble. The sting was awful and the way it would wrap around and strike other parts was awful.

Recently DH had to go out of state to find work. I feel very blessed to have a husband who is willing to do whatever it takes to support our family. So far things have gone well, I’ve just been thinking about submission from a for and what does it mean. For me it means making sure that I handle things on my end the way that I know he wants them handled. To take care of the house, bill, children and anything else that comes up the same way that he would. If I don’t know how to handle then call or text to see ow he wants it done. In some ways I thinks it’s harder to be submissive this way but in others because he’s not right here I am finding him always on my mind which is making it easier to make decisions the way I know he would want them made.

Sometimes I feel like I am leading 2 different lives. I have my normal life the one in which I am a mother, wife friend and person and then the one in which we practice DD. It’s a struggle at times because I wish the two lives really could become more one. Yet I have to acknowledge the DD or any form of it is not accept at all in mainstream life. If fact those people that are into S&M seem to get more acceptance then those that believe that a man has the right and the responsibility to discipline his wife. DD does not define who I am yet when people learn that we practice it their opinion of me changes. As much as I would love to say forget them, I will do and say whatever I want. The price to pay is higher then I am willing to pay. I want to have a normal life. I want to say I am disciplined without people thinking I am crazy or need counseling. I want to say I am a Bible believing mom who loves being at home with her kids, loves taking care of her family, has lots of friends, enjoys politics and yes I am disciplined! That is who I am yet it seems in neither world I can be true to who I am. Even in the spanking world those of us that maybe don’t do it for sexual pleasure ( though I will admit that there is a sexual side to it) don’t quite fit. We’re seen as odd here too. I am all of the things that I have mention and so much more. So look out because I am here to stay and there are more of us out there then you would think.

1. That people who come here of their own free feel that they have the right to judge me.

2. That they think I will change myself to please them.

3. The way I can feel so completely and utterly free while submitting to a man.

4. How funny I think it is that J’s new puppy ate the Loopy John.

5. That in my professional life, there are lots of people who listen to what I have to say and in fact work to please me and jump when I say jump, yet at home I am the one that works to please another and I love it.