It won't be long now before we get the answer to that ancient riddle, "What's an appropriate sentence for a man who ejaculates into his co-worker's water bottle for his own sexual gratification?"

We introduced you to one of those men — hopefully the only one — back in August, when 32-year-old Michael Kevin Lallana's uniquely gross crime first came to light. Today, he'll face sentencing in an Orange County court.

This is Michael Kevin Lallana of Fullerton, California, a 31-year-old financial representative at…
Read more Read more

Lallana actually ejaculated into the water bottle of 29-year-old Jane Doe (pictured above with her lawyer, Gloria Allred, a true trailblazer in the emergent field of water-bottle-ejaculate law) on two separate occasions while she was out of her office. In each instance, the victim returned, "took a sip from the bottle, then felt sick."

Advertisement

She decided to send the specimen to a private lab to be tested. The lab contacted her and told her the water bottle contained semen, police said.

This is precisely why I never participate in Secret Santa. [KTLA, photo of Jane Doe via Splash]