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Hicks: Wild pop culture predictions for 2013

By Tony Hicks

Contra Costa Times

Posted:
01/02/2013 01:31:51 PM PST

Updated:
01/02/2013 05:56:21 PM PST

I have a feeling 2013 is going to be a special year, since it's the first of the new Mayan calendar (and if you want to purchase one, get ready to add an extra room to your house, since these things tend to be really long).

In any event, it marks an opportune time to make predictions about what's going to happen during the new year in pop culture. Some of these predictions will be informed, because the past often sheds light on the future. For example, I'm predicting that Taylor Swift will have at least one new ex-boyfriend (whom she might or might not have even met at this point) about whom she will write a scathing pop hit, without naming him, but with lots of hints, that will earn her more money in a week than I will make during the rest of my life.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are expecting a baby. Will it be the first baby born wearing sunglasses? (Alan Diaz/Associated Press)
(Alan Diaz)

Then again, some of the predictions will not be terribly informed, because I believe in some things that other people find irrational -- like Bigfoot, homeownership and the dream Lindsay Lohan will one day make a real movie with actors people have actually heard of.

As we start the new year, I can't stop thinking about Kim Kardashian and the big news about her carrying the progeny of Kanye West. So I think it's fair to say that in 2013, Kim Kardashian will give birth to the first human wearing sunglasses straight out of the womb.

It's also not a stretch to predict that somehow Kris Jenner will conspire with some reality show producer to get viewers up close and personal with that baby by the second trimester.

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Speaking of babies, I predict Jessica Simpson will embark on a historic and unprecedented campaign to remain pregnant for four years. No, not like that woman who always shows up on morning shows to talk about how many dozens of kids she has and how she wants more. I mean Jessica Simpson will somehow remain pregnant for four straight years. Don't ask me to explain -- just know the reason is scientific and stuff.

As for the rest of my predictions:

Because he loves to help career comebacks, Quentin Tarantino will cast Britney Spears in his next film. Only she won't know it.

Charlie Sheen will finally realize he has a soul mate, someone who can love and accept Charlie Sheen for who he is. And his name will be Charlie Sheen.

Since jamming with surviving members of Nirvana gave him new rock cred, Paul McCartney will join Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, the Sex Pistols, the Clash and Smashing Pumpkins.

With "Twilight" finally behind them, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart will realize the future of the planet does not depend on whether they stay together, and they will break up. Rampaging Twihards will blame Stephenie Meyer for not writing enough books.

Comedian Katt Williams will explode. No, literally ... go boom.

Via many forms of social media, Amanda Bynes will announce her triumphant return to stage and screen. And the world will respond by saying, "Who?"

Chris Brown and Rihanna will smother us with tweets and photos detailing extremely intimate details about themselves, then blast the media for invading their privacy every time someone asks the wrong question during an interview.

After its purchase of Lucasfilm becomes final, the rest of the world will yield to reality and sell every entertainment-related endeavor to Disney.