Friday, July 29, 2011

Bias

So, I know you all have seen the photos up on FB and linked in here that were taken last Monday. They were the first pro shots I ever had as a roller girl. Aside from Prom and my second wedding, they are the ONLY shots I have ever had a pro do! I like taking the photos of people, not being in them, because I'm way too critical of myself. All I can think of when someone takes a photo of me is, "Do I look fat? Can you see back fat rolls? Do my boobs look droopy?" You get the picture. (pun totally intended!) Any whoo... I already had all sorts of bad juju emotions going on when I got tapped to be first up for photos. The only thing I asked of the organizers was if I could get a group shot of me and the kids in all out derby finest. I was told point blank, no. There would be no group shots done except for the team photos. OK. No big deal. Time crunch and all that.

When the photographer sent in the link to the pictures, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this person in a shot with their child, here were groups of skaters together, and then there were a few skaters together! I was a little disappointed. It seemed that other people got special consideration! Then... as if that little tidbit wasn't enough, I had 3 poses taken of me. Three. They were all pretty much the same pose too. Well, once again, when I started perusing the proofs page, other girls got 6 to 7 different shots done! WTF man? Am I that poor of a subject? Lets just add to my insecurities why don't we?!!? Sigh....

Now there is a photo shoot for SRQ Magazine this coming Monday. I volunteered to be in it because it's going to be before practice that day and I'm already there for Brats practice anyway. Now that I'm thinking about it... I wonder if it's a good idea. Any of the SRG shoots we did, I was buried in the back behind thinner, younger, prettier girls. No one really wants to see the fat chick in roller derby, they wanna see the hot sexy chicks! Something tells me it's going to go like that again. I understand the concept though, sex sells, but I make valuable contributions to the team, so shouldn't I be valued and in front sometimes too? It doesn't do anything for my psyche, being shuffled to the back. It makes me feel like crap. Do I wanna take a chance of feeling like crap again? Probably not. At this very moment, I am considering spending $50+ at Sephora to get my eye makeup done for me. I'm just that fudged up about it. Sigh....39 I may be, but wisdom certainly hasn't showed up with age!

Wow, that rambled off track! So what I was actually trying to say was, Why did I get told no to a photo with my kids when others got theirs? Why did everyone else get 6 or 7 shots and I didn't? Too fat? Too old? Too ugly? Not that I can do much about that, but they sure love my fat old ugly ass when they need a couple blockers put down!

What the first poster said. But also, having been a derby girl and a bigger girl, I know the feeling. The skinny young girls get all the face time, and you are put in the back. The only thing I can say is that confidence comes through in photos. And the photographer picks up on that too. Not to excuse what he did, cuz it wasn't right. For the pics, think of being sexy and confident for the hubby. He will like them! and that's all that counts.