What to Include in a Minimalist Wedding Registry

One of the things I struggled with the most while planning the wedding of the century was registering for gifts. I mean, I don’t like the idea that only married people get to have neat kitchen things. And furthermore, we’re both past 30. We have a stocked kitchen. Our home lacks for nothing, really. Then there’s the issue of space. We’re already living in as small of a space as Brent wants to live in, ever. Where are we going to put all this new stuff? So really, the question is, what do we include in a minimalist wedding registry?

There are cash registries. Pay for horseback riding on our honeymoon! Upgrade us to a different sized room! But asking our nearest and dearest for money felt even worse than registering for stuff. I wanted to ask for restaurant gift cards. You know, put a list of our favorite places on our website and ask people to buy our date nights for the next year? That would be awesome! But Brent said that was exactly like asking for cash, and he wasn’t comfortable with that.

My future mother-in-law is a frugal kindred spirit and understood my dilemma. But she picked up the phone several months ago and administered a little tough love. “People want to buy you things. They’ve been waiting years for this. You have to have a registry.”

Then, a funny thing happened. Brent made margaritas, which was a splendid idea. That loosened us up a bit, and we used Anne’s list as a guide, and got to work.

It wasn’t long before we were shouting things back and forth at each other. “Get the fanciest can opener they have!” “Sort by price high to low!”

I can’t be the only one with this problem. We had to register for stuff. Well, that’s not true, we can do anything we want! But I decided not to start my married life by picking this battle. Wedding guests give presents; that’s how it goes. Okay.

First, let’s agree on a working definition of minimalism.

I like this one:

[Tweet “Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.”]

My interpretation of this rule: have the very best things in your home. The best things don’t need to be replaced often (if ever, for some things), and they’re perfect registry items because they’re the kind of thing we wouldn’t buy on our own.

Next, let’s talk about one of the cardinal rules of minimalism: one for one.

Every time we get something in the mail, we promise to take out something it’s replacing, or if it’s not replacing anything, we have to find something to get rid of anyway. We’re aiming to decrease the amount of stuff in our home, not increase. So we’re doing this gradually, though we recognize that we’ll have our work cut out for us when the wedding gets closer.

Getting gifts ahead of the wedding is wonderful, and it’s a practice I will carry forward for every single one of the weddings I’m invited to in the future. We’re able to thank people right away, and play our one-for-one game several times a week.

Now for the registry. Everything we registered for falls into one of four categories: nicer versions of things we already own, things we’d like to own but haven’t gotten around to buying for ourselves, things that will help us organize our small space, and things we’re “supposed to” register for.

A wok, and lid

We’re getting into Thai cooking, and a wok, and its corresponding lid are essential for cooking the way Thais cook.

Kettles for Coffee — both electric and stove-top

Ours leaked, and needed to be replaced. Now it is gone, and we have two new ways (electric AND stovetop) to heat water quickly. They’re so hip, too, that our kitchen looks like Portland’s smallest coffee shop.

The world’s most beautiful cutting board

Seriously. This thing is amazing. It lives on our island (take that, mail!) and is one of those pieces we will have for our whole lives. It is not just a cutting board. It is a statement.

Cast Iron Skillet

When this came, Brent said, “great! We can use it to hit people in the head if they break in!” but I’ll be honest: I have to do some real upper body work before I’m able to use this as a weapon. For now, though, I’ll use it to get things good and crispy.

Category Three: Space Savers/Space Creators

Things that Create Space

This awesome coffee table has two functions: table top and storage! It also has two side tables that match. If you’re low on space, you want to have things that help give you some storage back.

Collapsible things

If you can’t create space (and there is a limit!), you want things that take up as little space as possible when they’re not being used. Take the collapsable salad spinner and colander for example. They’re usually space hogs — ours right now are too big for cabinets! But when we replace them with these, they’ll take up the same amount of space as a cookie sheet.

Category Four: Items we’re expected to register for

Sheets & Bedding

Towels (for home and beach)

I don’t think I’ve ever purchased towels in my life. My mom was constantly updating her towel collection, and I’d end up with very nice hand-me-downs. It’s probably time to have my own bath towels. And a fewfunbeach towels while we’re at it!

Flatware

By now you should know that I have nothing against buying things second hand. NOTHING. Nor do I think there’s anything wrong with hand-me downs. But I do feel like I’ve leveled up in adulting by having a full set of gorgeous flatware I picked out myself! Seriously. I know that sounds silly, but it’s true.

Plates

Slow cooker

This slow cooker is a HUGE upgrade from the one we were using before. It browns, it slow cooks, it steams. Holy smokes.

Category Five: Things we probably don’t need, but want anyway

Vitamix

Okay, so this one is one I am not sure I could ever justify buying for myself. HOWEVER, it was the first gift we received, and it is one we use three to four times a week. Yes, it is the world’s most expensive blender. And yes, it is amazing.

Ice Bucket

“This is the best wedding present we received,” says my father-in-law to be, every time he pulls his ice bucket out for a party. The first time, I thought he was joking, but I’m more convinced now that he’s serious.

“Would you like some fresh ground pepper? Tell me when.”

Those are the words I’m expecting to hear now from Brent, every time we make food that requires pepper. This pepper mill is a statement piece, and it’s artwork for the kitchen.

Did your images break partway through the post? I really want to see the cutting board as I’m looking for a nice one for myself. I’m also deciding on a cheeseboard to send as a belated gift to my brother & SIL and am waffling between slate, dedicated wooden one, or just a nice cutting board.

Love your definition of minimalism. That is what I’m working toward too. Though I’m not getting married anytime soon (read, ever), this is a great post also for those graduating and getting lots of gifts or maybe even for those getting lots of housewarming gifts when moving into their first home. Love your different “categories” of gifts too. Brilliant!

I love the idea that your wedding gifts will be replacing things in your house you’re ready to get rid of. Would you have preferred to get cash? Lately, it seems like all the weddings I go to, cash is the preferential gift.

You know, I don’t think I would prefer cash. Cash gets swallowed up, then absorbed into our normal checking accounts. Right now, we’re saving cash so we can save up for something we really want on our registry.

Don’t mean to be rude or anything, but I disagree with you there. I would certainly prefer cash which will allow a great deal more flexibility in how I want to set up my new home. My fiance wanted to go for the traditional registry as he feels asking for cash is classless. Needless to say there was a lot of push and pull between us. Luckily, we reached a middle ground when we found Envelope registry. It lets guests “buy” gifts which we register for. The total amount of the price of the gift items is then transferred to our account by Envelope. So we ultimately get cash, which is a win-win for us.

This whole issue causes me way too much angst and annoyance, I admit. But, I find it such a bummer how life’s milestones have increasingly devolved into consumerist extravaganzas in which people who already have too much (which is nearly everyone in America) receive more stuff (often from people who are in debt). I wish we could go back several decades who when the average wedding was some people having a small, intimate celebration in their home with few, sometimes zero, gifts. And back to when people didn’t have 3 baby showers and 2 bridal showers and where people didn’t continue to find new ways to get others to pay for what they cannot afford (honeymoons, weddings, etc).

It is a LOVELY option to ask for no gifts. The last wedding I went to was like this. I didn’t hear a single person complain about it. (Contrary to your mother’s assertion, most people are not sitting around dying to buy you gifts, and the few who are can buy them anyway even if you request no gifts.) When one went to my friend’s wedding website, there was a tab/link to “registry.” When I clicked on the link it said, “We are not registering for gifts. Your presence at our wedding is our gift.” It was AMAZING. I felt an actual lightness and joy at the beauty in their message. And it was such a relief compared to clicking on a link in which someone else instructed guests as to what to purchase them. It was also a joy to not have to worry about a gift. And given that I traveled out of town for the wedding, I felt a subtle, persistent gratitude to my friend for recognizing that people were already spending a lot to be with her on her wedding day and that the last thing she needed from them was crap for her kitchen. (And in the end, I did get her a tiny, personal gift, which felt so much more meaningful than other wedding gifts I’ve given since I didn’t buy it out of obligation, I didn’t choose it from some pre-set list, and I didn’t feel subtle pressure to spend a certain amount.)

Everyone: A wedding without gifts really is an option. It’s a lovely option. No one’s heart will be broken if you choose this. So many guests will be silently grateful and will appreciate focusing on the meaning of the day rather than the commercial aspect of weddings. Those in a financial pinch or in credit card debt will appreciate the lessened burden. If someone really wants to buy you a gift, they will find a way to do it – just like at your birthday or Christmas, they don’t need to be given a list from which to purchase for you. And you’ll be a model for other people of a refreshing alternative and a tiny reversal from the ever-increasing materialism and commercialism and excess that surrounds weddings.

Yes, it is fantastic that your friends did not want gifts, but there are absolutely people who still purchased gifts for them and wanted some guidance. I know, because I am one of those people, and because I hear it said all of the time.
I think having ideas in your back pocket is the key, so that you aren’t stuck for an answer when grandma absolutely insists on getting you something.

I was right there with you, MM. I DID NOT want to register for anything, but there was enough social pressure that I decided not to make this the first time I put my foot down in this family. Plus, Anne’s right, I’d end up getting gifts anyway. At least the gift givers can be sure I’m getting something I want!

I always hear the following arguments: “but people won’t know what to buy” or “people want to know what we need” or “people need guidance” or “we don’t want to end up with a ton of stuff we don’t need.” But how have we come use this to justify registries for weddings?? Somehow all of us get through our entire lives receiving gifts for birthdays and Christmases and other holidays without registries or instructions to gift givers. People buy what they want us to have and what they determine we would like. I’d be MORTIFIED at the thought of making a gift registry for my birthday. So, it seems logical to me that I feel the same about receiving gifts on any other occasion, even a wedding. If wedding guests want to give gifts with guidance, they could still ask me. Just like my mom asks what I want for my birthday, she could ask what I want for my wedding. And for those who ask, I’d tell them just like I do for Christmas or my birthday. But the majority don’t ask for any other holiday, and so I don’t give them a list of gifts I’d like.

The answer (as unsatisfying as it probably is) is simply culture. The cultural trappings of American weddings are such that the registry is a basic trope of the process. I’m not assigning a value judgment to the practice of registries, necessarily, but it’s hard to ignore that they are, in fact, expected. I agree, nobody is losing sleep at night thinking, “My goodness, what do I get Kathleen and Brent for their wedding?”

The reasons there are no registries for Birthday and Christmas gifts, by extension, are also cultural. Many people freely invite people to their wedding that they would never expect even a birthday acknowledgement from. I think the relative size of the expectation is tied in with the fact that weddings happen (hopefully) only once in a person’s lifetime. Birthdays and Christmas happen every single year.

It’s not really an apples-to-apples comparison. The only thing the celebrations have in common is the potential presence of presents.

Now, that’s not to say that your position on the greed and need for unnecessary things is unfounded. Historically, I believe the wedding gift has been about trying to give a new couple the tools to build a home. Obviously, when a couple of professional 30-somethings get married, there’s little homebuilding that needs to be done, and yet, the cultural expectation of the registry is there. And most people (us included) take advantage of the culture surrounding it.

I don’t disagree with your philosophical approach about the focus on “things” as a fundamental problem. Is it exploitative to ask for things that are not necessary? You might think so. I don’t. Reasonable people can disagree on this point, though. I can certainly see why somebody would think it over the top to ask for a pro-style kitchen knife. Do we need it? Of course not. Will it make cooking easier and more enjoyable than the cheaper knives it’s replacing? Almost certainly.

Americans are not unique in the exchange of gifts, either. Herbert calling Kathleen out as a typical “disgusting American consumerist” demonstrates a complete lack of understanding of cultural expectations in weddings (or he’s just being a troll). For instance, Indian wedding invitations will sometimes say “No Boxed Gifts” which is cultural code for “bring us cash, please.” The concept of asking for cash, conversely, in an American wedding is seen as gauche.

As an attendee to any wedding, you have a choice of whether or not you want to get the couple a gift. You don’t have to compromise your principles simply because somebody provides you a link to Amazon or Macy’s or Bed Bath & Beyond or whatever.

There are so many cultural aspects of weddings that I find far more disconcerting than the registry. The entire process is steeped in horrifying traditions that people are loath to challenge and excise from the celebration. If I’m making a list of offensive things about weddings, the couple registering for gifts comes somewhere toward the bottom.

I agree that there is a long, long list of offensive practices in regard to weddings, the current level of gift-giving/demanding culture being one of them. I encourage people to challenge any and all aspects of marriage and the culture around it that they find offensive. My suggestion to people getting married is to question every step of the process and make sure they aren’t mindlessly doing any of it just because that’s what other people do. Pause at each point and figure out what actually has meaning to you. And do that. Here are examples for me:
– Do I feel comfortable giving guests a list of presents I want, which I think is also a form of pressure for them to buy me a gift? No, so skip it. Everyone will be fine.
– Would I ever wear a white dress other than because most other people wear a white dress? No. Am I actually virginal or do I want to project a virginal image that is tied to the history of the color? No. So, choose another color. Just go buy whatever outfit I like and what I’d buy if I weren’t going through the motions on automatic speed.
– Would I serve a tiered cake at any event if I’m being conscious of what I’m doing? No. I’d serve pie or cupcakes or lots of other desserts first. So, I should also do that for a wedding.
– Would I have just my dad walk me down the aisle (to “give me away” to another male) if I were designing this thing called marriage and being thoughtful about it? No. So, I wouldn’t do that. Instead, I can walk down the aisle alone, I can walk with my partner, I can walk with a best friend, I can walk with both parents, I can eliminate the aisle and have friends stand around me in a circle since walking down an aisle with everyone staring at me sounds horrible anyway.
– Are traditional wedding vows anything I would normally say on my own? No. Would I feel sincere or moved by saying them? No. Would I feel special if my partner just repeated something to me that a ceremony leader were telling him to repeat? No. So, write my own vows.

I could make this list 10 times as long, but I’ll stop now. I’m sure everyone could make their own version of this list if they really thought through what matters to them and then did that rather than following cultural ideals. My wish is that people would do this more often in whatever parts of dominant culture they wish to buck, whether that be registries or other things.

I generally don’t buy “culture” as an excuse for things among smart, free people. Culture is used to justify all sorts of horrible things (child brides, racism, domestic violence, debt, etc). Actually, there’s just about nothing that someone won’t use culture to justify. And if we just give into “culture” around weddings, I fear the negative parts of it will just keep growing (maybe average spending will be $100,000 per year soon, all on credit cards!). I really admire people who buck cultural trends that they do not agree with and who define weddings as something more personal to them. The wedding industry (and general greed in our culture) is trying to drag wedding culture toward guests paying for their own meals, paying for honeymoons, and so much else. I admire you for not asking for cash or for your honeymoon or gift cards – you felt uncomfortable (based on impulses I admire) and stuck to your guns. That’s great. And it’s a tiny step toward directing wedding culture in a more sane direction. I just wish everyone did this a little more and that you two had also modeled something more alternative regarding registries.

Man, too bad about the restaurant gift cards! That would be brilliant. But I understand Brent’s hesitation. I love the stuff you picked out — especially the Riedel glasses and the wok. We have a wok my dad bought me and it is AWESOME. Glad you were able to turn a slightly stressful, not fun situation into something useful. You’ll have to let us know what goodies you got!

When we registered, made a list of things that we needed to replace or that we wanted because we’d never had, then registered for those things. We still had dishes from the 80s that my mom gave us when we moved out, which did the job but many had broken, been chipped or gone missing over the years.

Hmmm…. Herbert is a little harsh here. But reading this post did highlight another problem for me about registries… they often cultivate a really unfortunate spirit of greed in the people registering. It’s like we regress to being little kids who are on a shopping spree and get to selfishly grab up everything in the store. There are extreme examples of this, like when celebrities (who own everything on the planet one could possibly want to own) have elaborate registries full of stuff that costs more than most people earn in a month.

I was really struck by the following sentence in this post: It wasn’t long before we were shouting things back and forth at each other. “Get the fanciest can opener they have!” “Sort by price high to low!”

I think that spirit infects most registries, and it’s unfortunate. People suddenly want those they love and care about most to buy them luxury items that the couple getting married would never spend so much on for themselves. People throw out getting the best bargain in favor of getting what is most expensive or a prestige brand. The can opener reminded me that my grandma’s basic, simple, dirt-cheap can opener lasted her her entire life. The most expensive can opener on Amazon is likely not a minimalist or frugal purchase – it’s a silly luxury that is actually more likely to break than a really cheap can opener (due to more moving parts and mechanized parts). Items like the can opener also violate most minimalist’s philosophies that call for first refusing, reusing and using up items. I’d argue that the most responsible thing – from an environmental and less-consumerist perspective – is to first use up what one already owns. Someone like you would probably happily use your existing can opener and wine glasses and other things for decades more until they break. But a wedding registry frees us to crazy-pants town in which we decide our stuff isn’t good enough and must be abandoned for all new stuff.

I guess I’m getting at the fact that registries seem to breed discontent in those getting married. They look for reasons to be need new things. They look at luxury items to replace items they already have that were working just fine before they had a registry. They seek out expensive items that they normally wouldn’t see as worth the spending. Discontent is dangerous – it’s the root of hyper-consumerism, debt, sadness, etc.

Okay, that’s enough from me for now. Off my soap box. My points aren’t intended to be about the author of this blog. I just think it’s good for all of us to rethink our approach to weddings and registries and to turn back from the current trajectory we are on.