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Friday, May 10, 2013

Spinsters and Tiaras

So, since I talked about my "Toddlers and Tiaras" obsession yesterday, I spent a small part of my day thinking about how I could totally win Ultimate Grand Supreme over those stinking five-year-olds. Who do they think they're dealing with? Clearly they don't know.

This morning, I'd like to share with you my designs for the Beauty division and Outfit of Choice. Don't worry. I'll explain everything to you.

Beauty is, according to "Toddlers and Tiaras," always the first segment of competition. This consists of a formal dress and a formal hairdo. The judges look at these crazy photoshopped head shots that make each girl look like a strange hybrid of a 30-year-old Hooters waitress and a Madame Alexander Doll. How do those two things coexist on the same face, you ask. Only photoshop can say.

For a Glitz or High Glitz pageant, the "cupcake dress" is essential. This consists of a fitted bodice and a very full, layered skirt. So, the first image here is my "beauty" dress. Most beauty dresses are heavily embellished with rhinestones and lace appliques, but I thought I might try a little something different. My dress is embellished with stiff organza di-cut flowers, each one double layered and finished in the center with a crystal rhinestone. The Cupcake skirt is the same fabric as the flowers, tying it all together. The organza really adds an element of fluff and body that other fabrics such as chiffon or georgette can't offer. Then, of course, I've finished off the look with the obligatory fold over ruffle socks and white mary janes.

The next look I've included is another standard for most pageants. They call it "outfit of choice." Outfit of choice can be anything from a cute little casual ensemble to a full-on halloween costume. Some pageants dictate what category your outfit of choice should satisfy, but other

s just let you choose what you like. Outfit of choice usually has a more creative walk across the stage, set to music the contestant's parents or coach have chosen.

This second image you see is my outfit of choice. Since I'm a spinster, I decided to make my outfit of choice something that I actually would choose to wear. It's basically a jazzy bathrobe. I've made it with a full skirt and a large bow to tie at the waist, but it's still adjustable like a real bathrobe so I can be comfortable at all times. After all, this pageant is probably going to be set in a hotel, and right after I walk off stage, I can go back up to my room and order room service if I like. I, unlike most of the other contestants, am over 21 and therefore can order and pay for my own room service. Maybe I'll even do that for my talent.

The one place these kids have got me beat, though, is swimwear. But what can I do? I like to eat pop tarts, and while I'm sure Honey Boo Boo also enjoys a good bit of processed food, the difference in age between her body and mine is enough to have a driver's license and start grad school. You win this round, Pageant children, but I can stay up as late as I want!

In conclusion, if you haven't watched "Toddlers and Tiaras" yet, you should probably get on that. You want to know what a flipper is, right? I thought so.

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