रात्रि समाचार सेवा

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Voice of all people is mere noise, you can hear it with as much pleasure as you want.

While us mere mortals would keep focusing on our sleep (if only this noise would subside).

Sojaa Re! One Billion dolts, a campaign launched by 69 Solutions (a for-profit organization), to benumb and desensitize the citizens of India, especially the youth, to stay asleep during the voting on the Election Day. Its mission is to petrify the youth of the nation into inaction. And to wither away the effects of excessive activism shown by pro-democracy forces into oblivion. Unlike some other peevish and elitist campaigns we target all of India (and not just some ELITE BIG cities).

If you support and appreciate this effort, please forward this message to all your contacts and spread the word around by whatever means available to you and help and support this noble (in every sense of the word) and great cause, your one mail carries a billion hopes and aspirations on its shoulders, think about it.

BEST WISHESAND REGARDS*******************************The 69 Solutions Team*******************************Why 69? Because one more or one less isn't quite 69.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

[Celebrating 60 years of our independence. We are publishing a series of articles titled Know India's various castes. Here we will be detailing the day to day life of one particular caste of India in every article.]

Jat Culture

Men

Jats are one the most ethical and righteous people on earth. And when it comes to women their generosity and chivalry is world renowned. Jats never beat up any women except for those from their own household. If any such a need arises, and it arises quite often, they organise a panchayat to sit over it. The Panchayat decides the penalty for the soon to be charred individual. The Panchayats do a commendable job and are very lenient towards charred remains of the culprits (esp as they were once women).

A Jat never does any wrong with anybody. Throughout one zillion year old history of Jats, no Jat has ever told a lie or wronged anybody. In fact, IPC (Indian Penal Code) as opposed to IPL, states that any evidence given by Jat men in the court of law is to be admitted unequivocally as incriminating evidence incognito without any consideration or delay. It is a well known fact that Harish Chandra, was a well known Jat, so this is not at all something to be surprised at.

Jat men keep women illiterate for fear of spreading AIDS. It is a well known fact that in Jats, apart from the usual ducts of pleasure, AIDS also spreads via any activity that involves using brains. Though much remains unclear, scientists claim that this can be explained by presence of cavity-less holes (a very distinct feature of Jats), where other homo-sapiens seem to have brains. These ducts allow for free transmission of sexually transmitted diseases STD. That also explains why Jats are so reluctant to use their brains or whatever semblance of brains they have.

Women

Women in Jats play big role, both as protector and courier for Jat values. A typical day for Jat woman involves the following:

Waking up early in the morning (i.e. if allowed to sleep)

Take the morning pounding (strictly vaginal)

Get water from some far away place instead of using the homely handpump.

Cook Bajre ki Roti and Sarso ka saag - the only thing real Jats eat.

Go to the fields and get teased by some rustic on the way, typically some male friend of husband and later on get beaten for that

Work in the fields, while husband is sitting playing cards or decimating a hukka back home. Typical jobs including drafting the harrow through the fields or standing as scarecrow.

Return from fields in the evening - get some tight slaps on the face, just to keep it nice and supple.

Take the cattle for drinking water where some other rustic teases her

Milk the cattles on return.

Get a consolidated beating for all known and unknown mistakes made during the day. It is more energy efficient that way.

Cook food again, again the good old Bajre ki Roti and Sarson ka saag will do.

Get ready for fresh pounding by taking a bath and tidying herself up - Jat men like to a fresh look or else they flip out and kick in the vagina and have sex with their twelve year old daughter instead.

Get harrowed till he falls asleep (might involve various poses from kamasutra).

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

New Delhi: Along with breaking business, transport, tourist and cultural ties with Pakistan, India is mulling breaking all physical ties with Pakistan, if sources in Home Ministry and MEA are to be believed. After announcing that India will take “all steps necessary” to win war on terror, the Government is mulling altering physical boundaries of Asia and World if Pakistan fails to help investigate the Mumbai terrorist attacks.

There are two schools of thought that are doing rounds in the corridors of North Block. One is to break out India from (what now is) rest of Asia and second is to “expel” Pakistan from Asia. First approach is to alter Indian tectonic plate in such a way that India separates out leaving behind rest of the Asia intact. In second approach both Indian and Eurasian tectonic plates will be modified to “expel” Pakistan from Asia. There are people supporting vigorously either of these two views. And the distribution of opinion is fairly even, especially as both the approaches are “conceivable” and are having their own advantages and disadvantages.

For the benefit of casual reader the relative advantages and disadvantages of both are listed below:

Approach I:Advantages:

This gives India a certain geographical or political independence from the rest of Asia or even from the whole world. The situation India might find itself in will be similar to USA after WW2.

This is the easier thing to do, as only Indian tectonic plate needs alteration, and thus, no external seal of approval is needed.

India can probably use her diplomatic influence (and what great influence she has!) to have herself declared the eighth continent surrounded by Indian ocean. Together with a permanent seat in security council with a power to veto, this would be one hell of a moment of triumph for the pride and glory of India.

Disadvantages:

India would be losing out on substantial trade with China and other Asian countries, especially tiger skin and elephant tusks.

India would be losing out on Himalayas, especially Shiva's erect phallus.

Demolition of Himalayas may not go down well with Hindutva groups such as BJP.

Hindu Sadhus will have fewer places to contend with.

Approach II:Advantages:

Stops all trade of Pakistan with its neighbours especially China.

Isolates Pakistan from the rest of Asia and the rest of the world. So this ensures that we are teaching Pakistan a proper lesson.

India can probably use her influence to have Pakistan declared an insignificant chunk of brazen mass of land, and thus, a non-entity. This would be the ultimate revenge against Pakistan.

Disadvantages:

India would be losing out on drugs especially opium.

Approval from a lot many countries would be required and a significant diplomatic effort might be necessitated. Even the present Congress Government with all it exceptional diplomats might find it difficult to push it down the throat of west.

India would have to probably accommodate American wish of carving out rest of the Muslim world as well, barring the oil rich regions.

Common:

Advantages:

One obvious advantage is to make India more safe and secure from insurgency operations. A lot of effort gets spent on cleaning up the debris left after each such attack. All that effort would be saved. Further cleaning up of those (sort of) permanent red blotches left on roadways and walls of malls and hotels due to pools of blood spread around, a major revulsion for the cultured and commiserative people of India, will not be required.

No Kashmir and we will have an automatic resolution of Kashmir issue.

Disadvantages:

This move will be opposed by Indian army as army men would be losing out on a lot of money sent towards Kashmir.

Politicians can no longer harp on the rhetoric of Kashmir and Pakistan (at least not in the conventional sense).

Journalists and media men will have fewer things to bash the Government with. Also they would miss the gruesome and heart rending scenes, with their lengthy apologies and deep commiseration for the dead, which they would have been sorry to exhibit in front of their distressed audience.

People of India will have nothing to look forward to lighten up their morose lives and nobody to put the blame onto, so that they can forget their own wickedness and corruption.

We would have nobody to blame, when blasts are carried out in Mosques, Gurdwaras and/or Churches with the intention of inciting hatred amongst various communities.

There will be no heroes, who died the death of a martyr and who fought bravely and gallantly the bullets of coward terrorists, for us the humbled and thankful lot.

The final decision in this regards is still pending and Government is looking into it from all possible angles (even from the one that let's one see what is inside a woman's skirt). Government is keeping a tight lip over the matter for now, except may be leaking a word or two to one of the more prominent media houses based upon superiority of compensation offered.

Washington: Newly elected President of United States of America, Barack Obama wants Whitehouse to be renamed to Blackhouse or at least Coloredhouse before he and his family moves into it. And to make mansion live up to its name, he wants it to be painted black.

Further Obama said, “I want the message of hope and change to live for a thousand years and it is only befitting that we start with change right from the place where the need arose in first place.” In his characteristic eloquence, Obama added, “The dream of black slaves who built Blackhouse (then Whitehouse) needs to live on.”

Addressing a roaring crowd, Obama said, “There are voices from blacks all over the world, to have Whitehouse demolished and instead have a new Blackhouse erected employing white slaves. But I don't agree with such voices, this would not only cruel and gruesome but will be against the principles of sound economics. Throughout our campaign, I have believed in hope and felt that our national heritage must be preserved at all cost. So instead of starting from scratch, we would paint the Whitehouse black and call it Blackhouse. Indeed we will employ white slaves in black sleeves to do that. This will echo into the lands farther and wider than ever before, the message of hope. And is most befitting celebration of American renewal and resurrection.”

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Its been blamed on Housing Crisis. Its been blamed on our the colossally lavish and profligate lifestyle. Its been blamed on the very foundations of capitalism and free market economy work. Despite the amount of research and efforts put into finding the reasons, we are still no less farther from finding the truth then we were at the advent of global recession. But things may be taking a turn for the better, if a not-so-well-known Indian economist is to be believed.

Meet XXXX XXXXX (who did not want to be named and did not want to fake-named either), an unknown Indian whom you may meet walking in the street and wonder, “who the hell is he,” and walk away without bothering to answer your own question. Yes, this very XXXX XXXXX, has come up with the theory that could shake up the foundations of modern economics to the very core.

Here is XXXX XXXXX explaining in his own words, his theory:

“Right from the childhood, I had a feeling that somehow somewhere there is a problem with the current economic order. I mean I remember at the age of 6, asking the question to my father, ‘How will the mixed economy of India fare against the free market economies of the world?’ Even though the term ‘free market’ itself was unknown then, but I could see it coming in a few years time. My father was perplexed to say the least. But he always encouraged my questions, even though he could not answer them. At the age of 8 years, I asked him, ‘What will happen when the now iridescent surface of housing bubble goes burst, for no boom lasts forever, how will the global-macro-economy cope up with the calamity?’ My father brushed aside the question, with a flick of his hand. I kept quiet, but deep down in my heart, I knew, there was something wrong with the very foundations of world economy.”

“Throughout my adolescence and even afterwards, one thing that constantly gnawed at my heart with all its canine prowess was the question, ‘What is wrong with the world economy?’ I sat hours on an end, lost, immersed deeply in thought, gazing out of the window into the empty oblivion, looking out for reasons for this malady facing the world economy. The more I pondered over it, the more I realized that it has to be something really basic, something really trivial, something that has been overlooked for centuries and centuries. And not only that, to remain concealed from the inquisitive eyes of the great economists, it has to be something that has been hailed as a major milestone in the history of human civilization as a whole. Just then, I knew that something was within my grasp, just within the grab of my fingers, but was slipping from my hands right at the moment I felt I have got it, as if my hands were greased. Then about six months back it hit upon me, and I could see it as clear as one would see a pyramid crystal striking at the bridge of one's nasal cavity.”

“The reason was the birth of Jesus Christ. Anybody who does a little free thinking over the problems facing free market economy will come to the same conclusion. Take for instance housing crisis. Housing crisis arose because of tendency of humans to seek a dwelling of their own. This tendency, innocuous though it seems, is the primary cause of current financial crisis and is a direct consequence of the descent of the Son of God, Jesus Christ, upon earth. Christian teachings, of never asking an eye in return for an eye and giving the other cheek away, have made humans crave out for safe abodes where they can live in peace and harmony with their neighbors, happily ever after. In the good old days, man was content to cudgel his neighbors or mince into raw meat his opponents. Consequently the desire for having a safe heaven to rest idle did not arise. Hence, there were no houses and consequently no housing crisis or global depressions.”

“In summary, the human civilization would have lived without any economic depression for ten's of thousand years to come, if only the Son of God, Jesus Christ had not decided one fine day to descend to mother earth and to deprive a virgin maiden of the opportunity of getting pregnant by good old means of penetration of her vulva by a throbbing manhood. That is not to blame the great Jesus Christ, we all so love him.”

Monday, January 12, 2009

OLD DELHI: Economic slowdown and especially the recent fall in tourism has hit terrorism badly in the country, according to DHP Chamber of Terrorism and Extremism.

“Even though the attacks in hotels and railway station in Mumbai, seems to suggest a rise in terrorism. But evidence exists which proves to the contrary. In fact, terrorism will fall by 25 to 30 per cent this year,” warns DHP Chamber in a report submitted to Central Government on impact of slowdown in economy and tourism on terrorism in India.

Stating that there had been a substantial fall in terrorism, PHD Chamber assessed chances of terrorist strike on any major city in India to be very grim for the coming few months. “In October last year, there was a mere 1.8 per cent rise in number of terrorist attacks in India over the corresponding figure of October 2007. In comparison, the increase in foreign terrorist incidents in October 2007, compared to the same month in 2006, was 13.6 per cent. Increase in the number of cancellations in terrorist strikes is mainly due to economic slowdown and the generally prevailing atmosphere of distrust.”

The report quotes a terrorist named Al Wahidi, “Two years before a call for Jihad in some commonplace poster or even some graffiti on public lavatories would have attracted a thousand strong contingent of Jihadi warriors. But now advertisements placed in leading national newspapers don't fetch more than a handful. The reason is,” Al Wahidi goes on to say, “the reluctance of Arab Sheikhs and Mullas to invest in Jihad. Everybody seems to hold his cards close to his chest. The atmosphere of mistrust and fear is so intense that even big players are desisting from getting their hands wet.”

The report also reveals that during September to December last year recession has actually caused the cancellation of terrorist strikes by 30 to 40 per cent. “Demand for terrorist attacks is down, basically Arab Sheikhs have been badly affected by recession. Major terrorism destination states like JK, Delhi, UP, Maharastra, Karnatka and Gujrat have seen 20 to 25 per cent drop in terrorist activities.”

Reacting to the report, Home Minister, P. Chidambaram said, “India should be prepared for temporary slowdown on terrorism, but important think to realize is that our fundamentals are quite strong, and once global situation stablizes, terrorism in India will again return to the growth trajectory of 8 to 9 percent. Another important thing to note is that under the present UPA regime, terrorism in India, for the first time has been able to sustain a growth rate of nine per cent or more over a period of three years.”

He further went on to say, “There has been a marked change in the way the terrorism in India is viewed both within and outside the country. The whole world now recognizes India as a major terrorist destination. This is a major achievement for not only UPA Government but also for the whole of India.” He further reiterated, “Terrorism in India will weather the storm of global economic meltdown. The authorities in the US and Europe have taken a number of bold and unconventional steps in order to stabilise the financial situation. We hope that their efforts will succeed and terrorism will reach its crescendo again.”