Saving Your Virginity Won't Save Your Dignity

By
Laura Beck

Nov 17, 2013

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Writer Amanda McCracken has a piece in The New York Times Opinionator section about being a 35-year-old virgin. She talks of doing "everything but" and waiting for that one magical unicorn of a man to finally bestow upon him That Which Is Most Sacred. That's all fine and dandy, but then McCracken does some major projecting:

Some feminists might fault me for not having exercised my right to sexuality. However, I was willing to give up a certain sense of pleasure to avoid feelings I feared: betrayal, emptiness, the loss of dignity and control.

I'm here to tell you, no feminist gives a shit what you do with your sexuality (but, uh, they do want you to be happy with whatever you do). Also, as a person who has been both a virgin and a non-virgin, this whole avoiding feelings just because you haven't had sex thing is bullshit. You can feel all those things — and feel them powerfully — with a person you haven't had sex with. Yes, the length of a relationship and sex can intensify those feelings, but to say you are eschewing them completely by abstaining from sex is naive.

Women receive a lot of screwed up messages about sex in our culture — have sex and you're a slut; don't have sex and you're a prude — but ultimately, it's about what you want. Nobody should ever, ever pressure you into having sex before you're ready, but holding onto your virginity like it's some magical talisman that wards away evil and keeps you pure and safe is not only a lapse in logic, but brings up the important question of why virginity is such a valuable commodity. How many buckets of salt will it fetch you?

Having sex for the first time (when both parties are of age and consenting) can be a magical thing. Or it can be just mediocre. Or, I'm gonna be honest, it can straight suck. (That's unsurprising, though; how great were you at riding your bike the first time?) However, it's just that, one sexual experience in what will hopefully be a long line of awesome sexual experiences. Guarding the door to your virginity with a knife and nun-chucks is your prerogative, but it's far from an imperative.