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By HVnews on November 2, 2012

Florida, America’s Australia, continually finds new ways to plumb the depths of WTF?!, much to the delight of weird news bloggers everywhere. The swing state that will play a major role in deciding the outcome of next week’s presidential election has produced yet another model citizen.

Perhaps overcome with elation that seasonal favorite pumpkin spice was back on the menu, Piranian, 29, was seen masturbating in the lobby of her local Bradenton area Starbucks. Police were promptly called to defuse the act of Starbucks of self love so that bible study groups and iPad users could resume their business free of bean flicking.

When they arrived, Piranian reported to the responding officers that she was waiting to go to the hospital. Officers offered her a ride under the condition that they could check the contents of her bag, only to find that she had packed a stirrer of sorts and a bit of her own white sweetener, because the triple shot she ordered wasn’t quite doing the trick. The glass pipe police found tested positive for cocaine residue, and although she denied ownership, Piranian was arrested for possession of narcotics and drug paraphernalia and is currently being held on bond.

Last year, a New York area man who went by the Twitter handle “Mister PeePee” promised to foam his own milk in ever Starbucks in the New York City area and report on it. It’s not entirely bizarre that this mysterious man would choose Starbucks as the location to attempt such an ambitious endeavor, given that most New York locations are essentially treated as public restrooms for the defecation of German tourists and the anxious coffee shits of thousands of unemployed graphic designers. Mister PeePee didn’t even ask people to donate to his KickStarter to make it all happen! (What a guy to cover all the lube costs himself!) Perhaps he got performance anxiety with all the media, because he shuddered his social media including Twitter and FourSquare, before he ever French pressed his peter.

What is it about Starbucks that causes people to be so overcome with the need to grind their own coffee beans, as in the case of Ms. Piranian? Maybe the mermaid on the logo is just too sexy with her tail splayed so wildly, or maybe the free wi-fi is the only chance these individuals get to peruse internet pornography. Either way, I don’t mind as long as they agree to watch my computer while I run the bathroom quickly.