7 Ways to Help Your Child Learn Self-Control

Have you ever
witnessed a child who constantly dominates a conversation, or a child who grabs
objects out in public, even after being told not to touch? What about a child
who just doesn’t seem to know how to wait his turn? Are these kids
"bad" or are they kids who need help learning how to control their
impulsive natures?

Why Kids Lack Self
Control

Marcia G., a Circle of
Moms member who is a teacher, explains what non-spectrum impulsiveness looks
like: “As soon as he gets to school they line up and he just has to push
somebody [who's] already in the line, just because he wants to stand in a
certain spot or next to a certain friend, and that starts a whole problem with
the kids that were already in line following directions.”

Children like those
I’ve described seem to be falling between the cracks these days. They’re sent
for testing that reveals no ADD, ADHD, Oppositional Defiance disorder or any
disorders on the spectrum.

So why can’t these
kids control themselves? Is there something else wrong? No.

This type of behavior
is non-spectrum impulsive behavior. These kids all need to be taught that
controlling yourself is something you do, not something a parent or a teacher
does for you.

We tend to think
children are more advanced than they are because they’re walking, talking and
arguing with us, but small children’s brains are not fully developed yet.

Learning about
self-control happens through discovery and repetition, not through lectures and
punishments. And that discovery and repetition happens slowly, throughout
childhood.

Circle of Moms member
Michele B. says it best: “You can’t teach a child how to control their impulses
with a one-time lecture. You have to do one teachable moment, one situation at
a time.” Here are my seven tips for tackling that challenge.

1. Help Your Child
Notice His Impulses

Impulses can feel like
they’ve overtaken you, bypassing any rational thinking, causing you to
disregard what you know you should do. In order to help your child learn about
self-control you need to break down that process for him, helping him to become
aware of his impulses before they lead him to a bad choice.

2. Give Specific
Strategies for Self Control

Focusing on what your
child did wrong is only half the equation. Make sure to tell your child what
you want him to do instead. Try saying something like, “You’re not allowed to
hog the video game, especially when you have a guest. Think of four things you
can do while your friends play so you’re able to share."

3. Don’t Lecture

Children need time to
process and integrate information. When you lecture, your child becomes
overwhelmed with too much information and shuts down and stops listening.

4. Be Succinct

Use short statements
and use instructive action. (To see how this works in real life you can watch a
video I created that illustrates how to handle a young child’s impulsive
behavior in public.)

5. Give Cues

Use reminder cues. For
example, if your child won’t stay on the deck and play as you asked, use some
painters’ tape and outline the boundaries you’re asking your child to stay
within. Sit outside with him and if he leaves the deck, enforce the boundary by
taking him inside for a count of 20, as I describe in the video.

6. Be Willing to
Repeat Yourself

The key to curtailing
impulsive behavior is to teach your child how to think before he acts, and that
requires repetition of your lessons. (If you think your child really does know
how to control himself and needs to be reminded more often than you’d like,
read my column on Street Safety. It illustrates how and why to use an action
repeatedly to teach internal self-control.)

7. Give Do-Overs

Children learn from
experience far more than they learn from words. The best way to increase their
learning is with repetition. After you’ve completed any instructive corrections
make sure to give your child a chance to “try again.” Doing this serves as a
punctuation point on the lesson.

Finally, if you think
your child really doesn’t understand how to control him- or himself then look
into my e-seminar #9, The Art of Self-Control. Teaching a young child how to
control himself now is the best insurance you can have that he will know how to
apply internal self-control when it’s really important — during the teen years.