Question

My mom won't come to my baby shower

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25 years ago, my mom lost a baby the day he was born, and because she had to go home and get rid of all the gifts she received which hurt even more, she has refused since then to go to baby showers or give baby gifts until the baby is born. However, last year her younger sister had a baby and because she lives in another country, my mom broke her rule and sent her gifts with everyone that went there before the baby was born, so I was hoping that she would bend her rule for me like she did with her sister, but she just told me she will not be attending the shower. Even worse, she got all defensive when I said that my MIL would be providing the food and said she wanted to help. If she wants to be involved, why doesn't she just come? I feel guilty for being angry but I can't help it, especially since she was willing to bend her rule for her sister but won't do it for me.

Mom Answers

Grief is not logical. It has no sense to it. People who are grieving or who have old grief triggered by something in the present often make no sense to people around them. And that's OK. You mother is indeed bending her rule for you - she is wanting to help with your shower. And that is a big deal. It may be that she just can not put on a fake happy attitude during the shower, and therefore is choosing not to go rather than show her grief in front of so many others. Take her offer to help, and realize how much of a sacrifice that is. And be careful not to put your preconceived ideas of how her grief should work out in public. Grief is simply not logical.

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