Part one of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta began with a preclude of the explosive drama at the end … which left me feeling like ‘yada, yada, yada… ‘ about everything else and wishing I could fast forward through the “Many Wigs Of Phaedra Parks” to just get to the crying, sobbing, hysterical meltdowns. In the meantime everybody is “sitting on ready” as they bicker about African princes, Apollo and Kenya Moore, and My Mansion’s better than your mansion…

Haven’t we already talked about all of this? Does time stand still in RHOA land?

Things begin with boobs, and botox, and vaginas… oh my! Apparently there’s been lots of plastic surgery updates, and Andy – intrepid investigative Housewives chronologist that he is – wanted to get to the silicone bottom of it all! He was ick-ily persistent as he grilled the women about their boob jobs, and especially shady about insisting that Kenya has one. Like he could convince Kenya to admit that middle-aged women do not spontaneously gain cup-size and fullness. Maybe Kenya is chanting “I must! I must! I must increase my bust! Are you there God, it’s me Kenya… ” in the closet of Moore Manor?

Phaedra begrudgingly admits she’s had a lift. And Kandi also had one. Porsha got a reverse nose job to make her nose larger, but straighter, and none of the women do botox. Porsha would because she likes the “resting bitch face” results, but it screwed with her day job so she couldn’t pronounce things on DishNation.

Now for the most illuminating thing I learned last night: there are prosthetic camel toes on Amazon! Phaedra was not lying about this, I did my research and yes… it’s a very real thing. They come with attached panties to keep everything straight. Coochie control, y’all! Please do not let these become a new product a Housewife sells on the Bravo Home Shopping Network, but please let Amy Phillips do a spoof of a HW selling them on WWHL.

In other vaginal topics, I’m pretty sure Cynthia Bailey only spoke one time last night and it was to confirm that Peter has not test driven her post-rejuvenated vagina, but he came close in Hawaii. Cause they’re best-friends-with-benefits! Can’t they just get the divorce taken care of first?!

Kenya is adamant that Sheree Whitfield still doesn’t live at Chateau Sheree. Since they are neighbors, the neighborly thing to do is stalk the house and drive by regularly to see if the lights are off – for safety, y’all! This escalates into the argument of “Your Mansion Or Mine…” and really? Does it matter whose basement is finished? Does it matter whose refrigerator has trim? Did Sheree use fake marble? Did Kenya really make her contractors use an outhouse? She does live on the set of Deliverance, so it’s possible. Neither lady even seems to care, until Sheree mentions Rich Africans paying for the Manor.

Sheree is impervious to being accused of not paying her bills; She By SheBroke has been there, done that and flippantly compares herself to Donald Trump because she only pays contractors who SHOULD be paid. As for Kenya’s financials, apparently we should ask a Rich African. We’ve downgraded from “African Prince” to “Rich African” but yes, there are still international men of mystery financing the collective wealth of RHOA. Seriously – where are all these Rich Africans? Cause I’d also like a new car. And a new house. And a boob lift.

Legend has itthe down payment for Moore Manor was made by one of these invisible Rich Africans, and Porsha claims Kenya also tried to scam him by pretending her car was broken down, needed money for a new one then planned to use that money to fix up the Manor. Porsha knows this because she has “the African connection” and is a self-proclaimed Nubian Queen. Which explains why she wore a bedazzled Coming To America caftan to the reunion?

Kenya insists it’s not true – we should believe her because everything she says is fact. If she believes this then it is a fact that Kenya is not living in reality.

Neither is Phaedra – at least they have that in common! That and Apollo! Who did them both dirty then absconded to prison. For about 15 seconds Kenya and Phaedra got along for the common good of children in Flint, MI – a cause Kenya was happy to unify for since she is very charitable.

While the ladies support Phaedra’s charities, Kandi thinks everything else “Dr. Martin Luther Phaedra” does is complete BS. She’s all Southern Belle and prayer cloths on camera, then a “freak hoe” with Frick in real-time. Phaedra bristles that she and Kenya don’t “run in the same circles” so there’s no way she would know. Andy interjects that they’re sitting in a semi-circle together right now, and RHOA is a circle they both run in. Albeit a circle no one wants to be on the inside of while the pack of vipers flicks their tongue and tail, and bare their fangs.

If you lay down with vipers, you wake up stung, Ms. Parks! So get off your highfalutin pedestal and start arguing and caterwauling in public! Kenya is correct that Phaedra is super invested in maintaining her glossy public image of kumbaya-attorney when it’s convenient, then yelling “TITTIES” and prancing in thongs when it’s convenient. All her ‘Jesus has the wheel’ nonsense is pulled out of her Birkin on as-needed-basis as well. Basically, Phaedra lacks consistency and follow-thru, and she’s more elusive than a Rich African.

Clearly Phaedra only pretended to move on with Kenya, baby-stepping to summer camp, then strutting in heels back to Atlanta and putting Kenya back on ice. Enter the divorce party fiasco of 2016. Ignoring the fact that Kenya threw a haphazard party for two women who weren’t yet divorced, Phaedra’s anger is because she saw it as another slap in the face from Kenya about her marriage. Kenya argues that she and Phaedra actually fell out over Donkey Booty business, but I think it’s all related, and the divorce party drama was a big ol miscommunication.

Because, after a long winded argument about why it was inappropriate (Kenya flirting with Apollo signified the end of her friendship with Phaedra), Phaedra reveals that she believed Kenya was mocking her with the party, and setting up to be a fool over her divorce. In retrospect I can see why Phaedra would think that, but as Kenya pointed out – why not just ask Kenya and try to work it out?! Why hide behind the BRAT diet of ginger ale and stale toast of a storyline?

Of course Kenya and Phaedra cannot argue like grown women. They are good Housewives, so they must resort to the petty. Kenya calls Phaedra a “freak hoe” and Phaedra mumbles that Kenya is on something called the “Dubai Date Book”? Are they giving away manors too? Clearly I am not doing the right international travels…

Well, Kenya and Phaedra have prayed together for the last time, cause the water under that bridge is enough to cause a Biblical flood.

Since it’s all about Phaedra being a bad friend, we end part one by discussing Porsha’s Anger Management, and how Phaedra was the catalyst for all Porsha’s drama this season – the anger management inquisition which came to being after Phaedra’s comment, led to her fight with Kandi over lesbian-gate, and so-on…

Our Nubian Queen feels unsupported and “mistreated” by her questioning castmates who desperately want her to fail and pop-off to undermine her progress. But she’s still in treatment, although Porsha admits it’s plain-old therapy she’s getting, not just anger management. The women still don’t believe her!

Like Phaedra’s problem with Kenya is really an unresolved problem with Apollo; Porsha’s anger management argument with Kenya is really an unresolved issue with Phaedra. It is she who’s caught on tape planting the seed that Porsha wanted to reveal her progress to the group, then when they all surrounded Porsha with super-rude questions Phaedra sipped her wine, pinkie raised, and acted as if she had no idea hyenas were allowed to dine in restaurants!

Porsha defends her Frack – she should not! After seeing the episode, they had a heart-t0-heart because they are truly and sincerely friends. Well that’s all nice, I guess…

Personally I think the women were HORRIBLE about Porsha’s treatment – asking her if she’s on medication, etc was wrong. Thankfully Kenya is very much taken to task even by Andy for chasing Porsha down the street. Kenya denies she was “provoking,” but that’s the very definition of provoking. Porsha cheerfully announces that she felt proud of herself when she didn’t react, and instead got in her car and drove away. Progress!

Since Porsha is now a therapist by proxy, she (and other viewer commenters) decide Kenya needs anger management to treat the Krayonce inside of her. DING! DING! DING! Yaaaaasssss – we have a winner! Kenya may not lash out physically, but her verbal attacks are truly low, dirty, cold, and evil – she provokes, provokes, provokes, then cries victim and hides her smirk behind her hair. She whines that all the women provoke her – like calling her a bitch. Therapied-Porsha quickly points out that in just Part 1 of the reunion Kenya actually called Porsha, Sheree, and Phaedra a “bitch” (she was just being light-hearted, you guys!).

I was relieved to see Andy finally catching all the women in their lies – cause it is high time Kenya got taken to task. She has a well-storied history of provocation and victim-playing, and it’s as tiresome as these Whack-A-Mole Africans who pop up in every argument.

Since Andy is now playing Dr. Drew, and the stage is now a Dr. Jeff arena, he reads a viewer question asking if Kandi also needs anger management. Porsha agrees she does.

Kandi still has no idea why if Porsha was upset with her about the “piggybacking” she wouldn’t call and ask, like she did Phaedra.

Porsha didn’t think their friendship warranted a phone call, but she certainly had Kandi on speed-dial when she needed money for her Celebrity Apprentice challenge. Kandi donated $5k out of the goodness of her own reputation heart. However Porsha’s friendship will not be bought… unless it’s by a Rich African!

As an aside: Andy’s reporting also discovers that most of the women have guns, and Porsha and Cynthia plan to get them. Holy safety batman! Shouldn’t Porsha complete anger management first? Hasn’t anyone at ATF watched RHOA – Gone With The Wind Fabulous and Twirl should automatically disqualify you from owning a semiautomatic. What if one of these women lifts up her prom dress to reveal a holster? Well, there’s no props allowed, and they all need that paycheck, so Housewival Homicide should remain firmly in the verbal category.

TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK OF PART ONE OF THE REUNION? WHERE DO THE LADIES OF RHOA FIND RICH AFRICANS?