Thursday, October 12, 2017

{coffee date no. 7 | struggling to do it all}

It's been awhile since I wrote a coffee date post. I used to
share at least one a month updating y’all on all of the fun things I’ve been
doing and just taking a moment to chat. It’s fun knowing there’s a real person
behind the outfits and beauty. However, the last coffee post was something that
had been weighing heavily on my mind and writing that became my therapy. It
seems that turning to these more serious posts is not only an outlet for me but
an outlet for y’all as well - because I know we can all relate. I seem to write
these posts for weeks before I finally gather the nerve to hit ‘publish.’ So
what’s jumbling up my brain and needing to be spilled into a blog post this time? Struggling to do it all…

Over the past month I’ve had so much going on and I
overwhelmed myself so much that I wasn’t sleeping and my lack of
focus/attention became very apparent. I was physically drained of any energy my
body and mind could produce. I always try to do it all – be the best designer,
keep this blog running, be a supportive girlfriend, be the best friend every
girl wants, make time for my friends, IG twice a day, study for my LEED exam,
create innovative and fresh ideas at work, make time for my family, call my dad
every day and physically be there for him, push myself to reach that new level
at work, shoot new content for the blog, have the newest trends/clothes, attend
work events, create new business relationships, go out on date nights, grab
dinner with friends, etc. I’m exhausted simply reading that list.

These past two Mondays have been almost impossible – not
just because of what was going on in the world with shootings/fires but also
because of personal situations as well. I want to do so many things and be so
many things that I’ve been pulling myself in multiple directions. I sincerely
thought that I could balance everything with work, the blog, and my personal
life because I had been for so long. I realized that I need to reorganize my
priorities. Not because I was “balancing” incorrectly but because my family
needed more of my time. (For those of you new around here, my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer four years ago. The cancer has spread to his bones and lymph nodes and he isn’t able to walk unless he is using a cane.) My once a month visits home just aren’t cutting it and
attending every event under the sun during the week took away time from my
boyfriend and friends.

How did I let it get to this point? I’m what you would call
a perfectionist. I know… most of y’all aren’t surprised. I try my hardest to be
my best, look my best, and put my best out in to the world because I’m a strong
believer of karma and I truly believe that I can trick myself into thinking I’m
okay half the time. Spoiler: it works and
then I come crashing down. Hard…

Last weekend I was supposed to go home to visit my dad on Friday
with Kyle and then go back to DC for a friend’s wedding on Saturday. Sunday I
was planning on blogging the whole day while doing my laundry and cleaning my
apartment. I was thinking to myself “oh this is a perfect way to balance a
weekend doing everything we want to! Checking off multiple categories of our
lives!”

We didn’t leave Baltimore until Sunday... I found myself
sitting on my parent’s bed Saturday morning holding a water bottle with a straw
for my Dad because he was in so much pain.

Yeah.

Do you know those personality tests you can take where it
gives you your five strengths? My #1 characteristic is “futuristic”. I’m always
looking forward to things, I love to plan, I try to focus on that next step I’m
taking, and I’m constantly thinking “okay, what’s next.” That’s why I’ve been
able to juggle multiple aspects of my life simultaneously! The thought of the
future and what’s next has always excited and motivated me. But sitting there
Saturday morning… I was so overcome with fear of the future and what I am going to
lose. I realized that’s what I’ve been struggling with for the past month. My
conscious was telling me to lighten my load so I could be in Baltimore more
often but I was trying to live my life as I always had like nothing was changing.
I am so scared for the future that this particular aspect of my life is all I
can focus on. I haven’t been able to take my work or the blog forward because
my “future” is so overwhelmed by one thing.

Maybe this all boils down to two things: one, I need to
learn to say no, and two, I need to understand that change happens. When I try
to do everything and reach for every futuristic want my reality struggles. I
can’t be in multiple places at once and I’m never going to be the perfect
version of myself that I try to be. I’ll never stop fighting for my goals but
recognizing what’s in front of me and what’s happening right now is an
important thing to fight for as well. So for the time being I’m going to focus
on putting my family first.

3 comments:

I love your coffee date posts and it takes SO much strength to hit publish. I've been struggling with saying no as well because I feel like I constantly have to be busy to live a successful life, I've learned the hard way that this certainly is not the case. Keeping you and your family in my prayers lady! Stay strong.