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10 Of The Most Godawful Celebrity Statues You’ll Ever See

Cristiano Ronaldo is not the only celebrity to fall foul of the wax or bronze sculptors “vision”.

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Imagine you’re Cristiano Ronaldo. Imagine getting a call to say the authorities in your native Madeira islands in Portugal are not only naming the local airport in your honour, there will be a statue out the front too. Will you come? Hell yes, you say.

The day arrives, the president and prime minister show up, as do you. Come unveiling time, the drape is removed and the statue… will it looks like a combination of every one of your worst driver’s licence photos and that one image a mate took when you were off your face on pills in Ibiza. There is no suggestion that Cristiano has ever been off his face his pills in Ibiza. That said, he is not the only celebrity to fall foul of the wax or bronze sculptors “vision”.

Let’s meet the rest of the cast >

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Andy Murray

When you win China’s Shanghai Masters Rolex tennis tournament, what do you think you get along with the fat cheque? Logic says a timepiece.

The hell with logic, said the organisers of the 2010 bash and gifted the winner – who turned out to be Murray – a larger than life-size rendering of themselves as a Chinese warrior. The resulting piece turned out to look like an overweight Scottish butcher with a 1950s haircut who just found out his cosplay weekend had been rained out.

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Kate Moss

It’s virtually impossible to take a bad shot of this fashion icon. Sculpture? That’s another issue.

Artist Marc Quinn created this likeness out of 18-karat gold for display at the Natural History Museum in London. It weighed 50 kilograms, which is roughly double that of the subject. Word has it the original title was “looking up an old friend”.

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David and Victoria Beckham

When it comes to celebrity likenesses, Madame Tussaud’s generally sets the bar pretty high. Expect when they don’t. Allow us to introduce the 2004 rendering of Goldenballs and Posh Spice as Mary and Joseph in a Christmas nativity.

With Kylie Minogue hovering in the background as an angel. Howls of derision followed. Mainly because of the fact that if Posh and Becks had been his parents, Jesus would have had a better right foot from set pieces.

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Zac Efron

Another clunker from Madame T. Enjoying the breakout exposure of High School Musical, this item – which people payed actual money to see – looked more like the lesbian art teacher from said high school. On pingers.

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Justin Timberlake

But only if he’d been infected by the virus that is the protagonist in The Walking Dead.

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Kurt Cobain

As his hometown of Aberdeen, America, sought to cash in on the legacy of their most famous son, they decided a statue was in order. One that would definitely include him shedding a literal tear and strumming an axe. Because you know, Kurt.

One can only imagine the phone call in the Jesus Statues Are Us office. Hello: “This is mayor of Aberdeen, we need a statue of the frontman of the band Nirvana. Something cheap. Can you help?” Steve, owner: “Yes. I think we can help. (Steve puts hand over phone and addresses co-worker). Hey Kevin, do you reckon you could change the Son Of God at the Last Supper to Kurt Cobain? Whip away the table and put a guitar where the salt and pepper shakers were? What’s that you dropped the last one and it has a blemish on its cheek?”

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Johnny Depp

Serbia in 2010 clearly knew how to throw a big enough film festival to get a star of the calibre of Depp to come along. The statue they made to celebrate him turning up? Not so much.

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Lucille Ball

This 400-pound bronze monster makes the cut for its sheer awfulness and distance from its supposed subject.

The beloved I Love Lucy star has graced a park named after her in Celeron New York since 2009 and sculptor David Poulin has steadfastly refused to alter the depiction of Ball, who looks like a deranged harpy in a dive bar clutching a bottle of booze halfway through her “do you know who I used to be” speech? We don’t even know who you are now.

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Leonardo DiCaprio

We’re not exactly sure of the provenance of those one beyond the fact that it’s real and on display. At best, it could pass as maybe a third cousin who’d found his calling as an attendant in a modestly priced funeral home.

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