Monday, August 04, 2003

Frank Gehry Named as ACE Roller Coaster Museum Designer

In what can only be considered a tremendous surprise, the executive committee of the American Coaster Enthusiasts today announced that master architect Frank Gehry would be the designer of the ACE National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives, the major project currently under development by the organization.

Most famous for his design for the outstanding Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao, Spain, Gehry’s plans for the NRCMA feature his trademark sinuous curves of iridescent titanium interacting with shimmering glass and scrubbed marble and limestone. Occupying 32,000 square feet, the museum will feature a huge glass atrium on the ground level, with flowing staircases leading from there to various wings, including the research archives, the Mighty Hall of History (featuring postcards, photos, and donated coaster cars), and the all-important ERT (Exclusive Ride Time) Wing.

The centerpiece of the NRCMA will be the ACE Buffet Interactive Experience and Splashdown Area, a huge open playpen featuring rivers of barbecue, huge mobiles of hot dogs, and sculptures of the great coaster designers done completely with deep-fried Twinkies. According to Gehry, “the middle of the room will have a pyramidal glass ceiling, and the light entering through the ceiling will focus upon one of those giant cowboy hats they use to dump water on people in water parks. This one will, of course, be made entirely of titanium, and when the gravy gets dumped out all over everyone every ten minutes, the shimmering beauty of the natural light glistening off the pork fat and the titanium should produce a nearly unearthly beauty in this chamber.”

Gehry’s bid was reviewed by the ACE Executive Committee last week, and the group felt his plan was the one that would best support the group’s aims for its museum. Reportedly, the rejected bids included quite spectacular designs by Zaha Hadid, Richard Meier, and Rem Koolhaas, as well as what ACE Vice President Mark Cole described as “a really alarming number of crude Crayola and Bic Pen scribblings” sent in by adult ACE members hoping to have their designs approved.

“We are obviously pleased to move ahead with the construction of this all-important museum,” said ACE President Carole Sanderson. “Now, I’m sure everyone realizes that an architectural figure as important as Mr. Gehry won’t come cheap. We expect the facility to cost approximately 60 million dollars, with the added cost of putting five actual operational Vekoma rides in the Hall of Shame section of the museum. With that in mind, ACE membership fees will be expanded gradually over the next few years: $70 in 2004, $120 in 2005, $200 in 2006, and $50,000 in 2007. We also plead with members for more donations, and ACE itself has announced a ‘Challenge Grant’ where we will match any corporate donation of over 10 million dollars.”

Sanderson added, “And we’ll keep slapping our name on inferior products like that K-NEX thing to scrounge up a few more pennies, and our members will be required to whore themselves for Six Flags parks worldwide. For instance, after suffering through a miserable day at Kentucky Kingdom, ACE members will all go to park management and film a TV spot where they claim that ‘T2 is the funnest ride ever,’ the ‘landscaping here is first rate,’ ‘Viper is a brand new ride that has never been in operation at two other parks for the last twenty-five years,’ and ‘the guy in the Bugs Bunny costume certainly did not jam his hand down my pants and fondle my scrotum.’ For this service, the parks will make a major contribution to the museum fund. And really, since it’s already in the Code of Conduct that ACE members can’t dislike any roller coaster or park ever made, it’s not like this is a major problem for our members.”

Gehry released a statement indicating that groundbreaking would not progress until “those freaks actually send me a check that doesn’t bounce.”

Virulent despisers of ARN&R made a tremendous error Sunday, sources tell ARN&R. Apparently, the Editor-in-Chief and a longtime writer and occasional assistant editor for the blog were both viewed enjoying the rides at Six Flags New England this Sunday, yet no apparent attempts on their life were made.

“It seemed unwise for us to be seen together at a public venue, particularly an amusement park where we might be recognized by ACE and Coasterbuzz lunatics intent on ending our snippy and sarcastic ways,” said the Editor-in-Chief. “However, we bravely went forward into the pit of terror that is Six Flags New England without any bodyguards or fully automatic armaments.”

“We’re just f&$king studs to show balls like that,” added the mildly inebriated JCK. “Considering all that hate mail and the random death threats we receive, we could’ve cowered in shame, wetting our pants, but instead we hung out together and acted like coaster tools for the day. Take that, bee-yatches!”

Haters of the site are apparently livid. “Aw, crap. How did we miss sending an assassination squad after them?” asked ACE Happy Special Benevolent Friend for Life Carole Sanderson. “I’d love to work that burr out of my ass. Another time, ARN&R scum, another time….” She then cackled shrilly.

“Thouse assholes beign too stuopid I hate thems why we not findig them to get ride if?” read a statement from lawyers representing the Coaster Preservation Club and Gordon Beeferman.

Inside sources report that the sources may or may not appear together at amusement parks sometime in September. The wet work squads of the American Coaster Enthusiasts and the CPC are said to be in intense training in the case that this information proves to be true.