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Been texting with A all morning. The bond we had has been strengthened by our experiences since he’s been gone. He’s such a good guy. So open, so willing, so true to himself.

He has a new gf, but I think if I were there, he wouldn’t have her. I missed him a lot this week. He’s the only man I trust right now. He had always been there for me. He just told me again that he loves me. He has not mentioned her all morning.

Sometimes I think I could spend time with him in the desert, and then he could spend time with me in Florida, and in between we could have our own space.

I don’t think he’s thought of that, or at least didn’t think I’d be open to it. I might be. I told him this morning I could do it for awhile, but I’d need to get back to the water too. We didn’t talk about it more. He’s fairly committed to his new gf, tho he told me they’ve not slept together yet. This morning he wished he was here.

I’m not sure really, if it’s a real possibility for me. But I’ve never had an unpleasant moment with him. Regardless of how shitty I’ve been to him because of S. Maybe because when I have been shitty to him, I’ve owned it. And apologized, and learned from it.

S wanted to know why he and I can’t have a relationship like that. Because, quite simply, S cannot love anyone. S is out for himself. If he sees the shortest way to what he wants is to trample you, then he will. And he had no ability to truthfully critique himself.

A has always been a friend first. S had always been a user of people.

That’s why A and I are close. And S and I don’t speak much, and when we do, it never ends well. I can’t be used any longer for his self gratification. I love him, from a safe distance. But I don’t want him anymore.

I didn’t want A, because I wanted S. Now I see the wonderful man A really is. I see how big and loving his heart is, and I know he loves me. No matter what happens, he will always be a blessing in my life.

Feeling a little disjointed this morning, I have so much I want to do today, but it’s early. It’s Halloween, and my neighborhood is Grand Central in this small town. A friend is coming over to help me hand out candy. I’ll make dinner, we’ll have a glass or two or three of wine and enjoy the kids. I was just reminded we set our clocks back tonight, whoo hoo. I guess that means I’ll be waking up even earlier tomorrow, lol.

I am glad I didn’t spend more than a week figuring out Jim was not the guy for me. I need to let my intuition guide me a little quicker. I have been saying I didn’t really feel a connection, and trying to allow one to form. I should know when there’s not one, there’s not one. When there is, there is. I’d like one that is good, intimate, loving connection but not so intense that I feel the person all the time. That’s way too distracting.

I realize I tend to be too direct for a lot of people. I just don’t believe in pretending to be someone I’m not. Especially in the beginning, when just meeting someone. I am not brazen, not pushy, I can usually get across what I need to say with a smile, a flirt, some humor, some self deprecation, a little funny sarcasm. But I get it across.

Games are not part of my personna. You know, where you pretend to be what you think the other person wants. Or just be untruthful, because you’re unsure of yourself, because you think another person won’t like you as you really are. Personally, I think games bite you in the ass. I think they lead to depression, to insecurity. Control, manipulation. Because you have to keep up the fake personna to keep the person. Sooner or later, you wish you could just be yourself. You would wonder why you couldn’t be, why you thought the person wouldn’t care for you if you were yourself, but by then…you’ve lied to them so much, you’ve worked so hard at this fake personna, you risk ending the relationship if you make yourself known, and admit that the person they thought they knew wasn’t you. Vicious cycle.

Vulnerability is hard. It’s scary to put yourself out there, not knowing what the outcome will be. But lying, faking, game playing…is harder. It will never end well. At some point the truth will be known, and it will leave you cold, alone, and empty.

I think the thing that shocked me the most about S was that he was playing a game….with me, with her. with everyone, I think. He was obsessed with the game “Go”, an ancient Chinese game where the point was to have no losers so that everyone saves “face”. I always said, look if I screw up, I don’t need to save face. I need to own it, and change that about myself, and make amends for any damage I did. Save face? A mistake is just a mistake if there is no lesson learned.That’s the bullshit about shame. We all have it, the point is to learn from it, and use it as a tool to become a better person, and raise our vibration.

I know that the fact that I kept allowing S into my life after all the crap he pulled on me was starting to damage my relationship with my son. What a mistake that would have been, to trade off my relationship with my son for S. Another bullet, that would have literally killed me, dodged.

It just occurred to me, that my ex, who obviously didn’t think he was lovable because he grew up in a family where love was a reward, not a fact of life, felt he had to manipulate and control people to keep them in his life. He truly thought that if I professed to love him, which I did, it meant that I was either a.) stupid or b.) wanted something from him. I think perhaps the same was true of S. Because it is an innate human condition to want to be loved, but when we are taught at a young age that we are not lovable, we learn not to trust it. To see it as another manipulation, since in an abusive household everything is a manipulation. My ex’s father was physically and emotionally abusive, his mother was passively abusive, she didn’t stop his father, and used the threat of him to keep my ex in line and in fear. S had the same situation.

S says I can’t let go of my marriage, that I talk about it all the time. Well, yeah, I do talk about the things I learned from it. It was the experience from which I learned the most in my life. I spent the first 5 years of freedom trying to understand what happened to me and my son, and undoing the damage. I realize that the wisdom I gained from that search, might be valuable to someone else. It has nothing to do with the marriage, or letting go of it. It has to do with life lessons, and learning, and sharing. I know for a fact that sharing the wisdom has helped others, when I was active in an online community for abuse survivors.

I couldn’t convince either my ex or S that they were lovable just because they existed. It’s water under the bridge now. I need to find someone who already knows it.

I was watching Amy Schumer on HBO last night, after my boring date. She just cracks me up. I love her honesty, and she’s hilarious. She reminded me of how my relationship with S used to be, open, funny, physical, flirty, honest…. Watching her just made me laugh, and remember part of my life. I didn’t get sad, or upset. I know S is not that guy all the time, I know he morphs into another person when he’s with a woman that probably wouldn’t find Amy Schumer funny. Or if she did, she would think she was outrageous, and that no one is like that. Not knowing that S was for 18 months with a woman pretty much like that, though not as funny, lol. I know he and I both thought she was hysterical. Real. She’s very real.

Well, whatever. I’m sure there’s a man out there who would appreciate and enjoy an open, honest, monogamous, sexy woman, and is open to falling in love, and monogamy too.

God, I sound a little needy. I think I just miss having sex, lol. Nah…I need a connection to have it. I’m just longing for that connection with someone. I’ll find it.

OK…..Jim is out. He’s a nice enough guy but really, so boring. OMG, so boring. He thinks he feels a connection, but I don’t feel connection on any level. We don’t like the same music, I am a late 60’s, early 70’s rocker, he likes doo-wap. We don’t have the same political views, I am very liberal. He said he takes each issue as it comes. I said, me too…but I always end up on the left side of it. But he’s pretty conservative, I could tell. He talks incessantly about people he knew 50 years ago, and what property they owned. Who cares? What about your life, what do you want from it, what lessons have you learned from your experience? Who the hell are you?

Boring.

I tried, I really did. Truthfully, like my cousin said, “Look almost everyone will seem boring after S.” Well, this is true, he was not boring, that’s one of his good points. His views on sex, love, monogamy, relationships…um, balance that out, shall we say? But I was never bored with him. And laughed a lot.

But it seems I could laugh with anyone who took an interest, it’s something I do easily. Whenever S says he misses me, he always says he misses my laugh. (I used to say, that’s not what you’re missing, I’m not stupid…) But he was consistent with it, so maybe it was true.

Anyway, I cannot do another date with Jim. Kind of dense too. When we left the restaurant tonight, we had parked in different places because we met there. He said, “I’m going to go put my leftovers in my car…” and left me to walk to my car by myself, at the far end of the parking lot. Then ran over to kiss me goodnight. He said he’d call, but didn’t offer up any plans. I think I scared him off when I told him, with a smile on my face and a sweet laugh, that I was a card-carrying, in-your-face liberal. LOL.

There must be another aging hippie out there that can relate to me. Somewhere. Geezus.

The picture above is from Brene Bown’s book Rising Strong. It is a short chapter on nostalgia. She talks about how nostalgic memories don’t always tell the truth, and they should always be cross examined “recognizing and accepting the inconsistencies and gaps in those that make us proud and happy as well as those that cause us pain”.

Oh my. Such sage advice. I tend to look at experiences in my life as black or white, good or bad. My marriage I think of as bad, as black. But you know if I was with the man for 40 years it wasn’t all bad. My son came from that union, and a lot of good things. That it ended badly doesn’t mean it was all bad.

As with relationships since. I tend to remember the good times as the way it was, before S’s friend died last spring. And while there were many memorable times, New Years Eve, Sunday afternoon excursions, happy nights and afternoons, there were a lot of moments when we weren’t even speaking. I just chose to gloss them over. But it never was the way I’ve tried to remember it.

I tend to shelve stuff the way it’s easiest for me to access it. I’m going to have to face the reality of what was, in both cases, and glean the lessons that were given to me when I see the whole picture.

I love the quote, highlighted in the picture. I used to hear so many stories of days gone by from S. Stories which romanticized his history. But I also know it didn’t all turn out that way for him. It was a distraction, for both of us. It made him an interesting man to me, and he was a good story teller. But he also, to his credit, told me how many of the stories ended up. I didn’t judge, ever. But sometimes I think the fact that I knew the whole story made him uncomfortable with me in the end. He feels safer with someone who doesn’t know.

Did anyone else see the moon this morning? (I did not take this pic, it’s a Googke image.).

I have to drive to work over a pretty big hill on my way to work. Some would call it a mountain, but here in New England it’s just a hill, Apple Hill to be precise. Lots of orchards on this hill. When I got to the top, and started my descent, with views of about 100 miles or so, I saw the moon in the clear October Sky.

It puts a huge smile on my face, and in my heart, to be reminded of how beautiful our earth is. Troubles seem insignificant in the face of such beauty and grace. Amazing grace.

I love intimate communication. The kind of conversations you have where you learn about the other persons soul, where there is no judgement, only give and take, and connections are made.

I have these conversations with my friends, often. It requires the willingness to be vulnerable, to put yourself out there, to show up and be seen, but it also creates connection that is unbreakable. I think when a relationship ends, for me, it is the loss of communication that I miss the most. When a friend moves away, I miss the late night conversations the most. The talks on the deck late into the night over a glass of wine, or a cigarette. (I don’t smoke, but some of my friends do, or did.)

I do a lot of texting during the day, because at work, my office is a big open space, and most everyone can hear a phone conversation. Texting is quiet, and something you can do when you have a minute, a conversation can go on for a long time, it doesn’t require that you stop an important task at work to continue the conversation.

I just don’t like when texting takes over for real conversation all the time. It is nice to hear the other person’s voice, to add the additional information that audio gives you. The way you can tell if the person on the other end of the line is pensive, or happy, or sad. If they are being glib or earnest. I like that I text with Jim but it doesn’t take over, we still talk by phone. Even A, when we get into a sweet intimate conversation talking about our relationship, past and present, will call me. I have had what I thought were real, truthful, intimate conversations via text, but found out later, they were just a diversion. So, I don’t trust texting now, for any personal, intimate conversation.

Communication, real, intimate, truthful, sweet conversation is just such a blessing.

Writing…is also a great way to communicate. I am generally more eloquent with the written word, lol. I can look at what I write, and review it, and see if it’s exactly what I meant. I have been known to send huge long texts…..the kind that are received on the other end as 10 texts, lol. Just because it’s my comfort zone at times, and at times when what I have to say I can’t say, verbally, to the other party, for whatever reason. Because I’m not somewhere where I can talk, but it needs to be said. Because I’m too emotional to be able to spit it all out verbally.

Tonight when I go to dinner with Jim, I’m going to work at building an open and easy communication, because while he so far has been willing to show up and put himself out there, I can see he’s still not comfortable with it. And me, I suppose I am more willing, but it’s my nature, first of all, to say, “This is me, I will be this person today, tonight and tomorrow….” But also, I have been working for years now, to connect with myself and know who I am.

And still, I learn more every day. Close, intimate conversations with others where you listen, speak, and exchange ideas is how we learn about ourselves. We see what is reflected back to us, we see where we want to go, and where we don’t.

Communication, really, is how we connect, if we are real and honest and willing.