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It’s official: The school will be closing down at the end of the 2018-2019 school year, with the last day of AISU as a company being on or before August 19th. We don’t want to say that we told you so, but our journalistic integrity insists that we must.

We told you so.

The primary reason for the shut down is mismanagement of funds. That ranges anywhere from Special Education funds, to Foreign Exchange Student funds, to Keeping a Theater Teacher for More than Two Years funds, to Transportation funds. The Utah State Board of Education (or USBE, as they’re known to their college friends) gave the school money for these funds, but AISU did not spend the money on the things that they promised. Not only that, but they failed to keep the receipts for the things that they did spend their money on, citing the fact that they “didn’t want their wallet to get too cluttered”.

Another reason is the semi-legal agreements that AISU has with Realms of Inquiry. Granted, The Daily Gravy been distrustful of Realms from the beginning, what with their “official permits for exchange students” and “committed staff and student body” who “pay to be there” and “direct their own learning”. Sounds suspicious, doesn’t it?

Whatever the true cause of the tragic passing of AISU, we here at the Gravy know that at times like this, the bereaved often need to say a few words. We’re here for you. You’re welcome.

One teacher, who asked not to be identified, while devastated that they would be losing their job, commented that, “If the school did stay open another year, it would be like trying to break your dying, deadbeat dad out of prison. While he is super cool and original, he hasn’t taken very good care of you while he was in your life, and the more you try to save him, the less the government will like you. Plus there’s no guarantee he’ll be able to pay us once he gets out before he dies.”

A student who asked not to be identified called out to any juniors or struggling seniors looking to graduate this year, referencing the fact that they have “a surplus of credits” and that he’s willing to sell them for “any memorabilia of Brian Donahue and/or Robert Pyles”.

One AISU alum who asked not to be identified mentioned that they did not care what happened to the school, saying that they “jumped ship a while ago”, and only kept in touch with any AISU representatives to deal Pokemon cards.

Truman Barnes, late night assembly host and former school mascot candidate, who asked not to be identified, said that “I guess you could say this school is dra-GONE, huh? Will you use that pun in your article? Could you use that pun in that article? Make sure you use that pun in your article.” It should be noted that the Gravy correspondent, after conducting this interview, sighed deeply, shook his head and walked away.

Another teacher said, “Quick word to any and all students who are thinking about stealing things from the school: If the school is so bad at fiscal management, how good do you think they’ll be at taking inventory?” The teacher asked to not be identified.

One student, who asked not to be interviewed, was somehow left unawares of the shut down, and said simply that they were “excited to be a part of the entirely legal and well-staffed AISU 6.0”.

An alum who asked not to be I.D.’d when he entered the bar commented on the Farley Fire’s effect on the situation: “Many people used to say we dodged a bullet by firing the Farleys and everyone affiliated with them. The thing is, though, by dodging that bullet, we placed ourselves in front of thousands of other bullets that were also being shot at us. I need to go to the hospital.”

It’s a very scary time to be an AISU student, unless you’re a well-off senior or a high-achieving junior. Even then, the prospects of no AISU to mold any more future citizens is a frightening thought. The only likely way to continue in future years is to be, essentially, absorbed by another, much more financially sound, charter school. But wouldn’t being A.P.A.I.S.U. be a fate truly worse than death? And the only way to continue AISU as we know it is to tweet every hour on the hour to Elon Musk with the hashtag #SaveAISU. Please do your part. Or don’t, I can’t force you. Because of the restraining order.

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

AISU—As everyone outside of the North Korean prison camps and parts of Communist Cuba knows by now, The Erica Glenn will not be returning to teach choir or direct the performing arts at AISU next year. Ms. Erica has been chosen by Arizona State University (that’s ASU, or AISU without I) to receive the largest scholarship ASU has ever offered, take over the ASU women’s chorus, become a goddess, and pursue her education in choral conducting, all while ASU pays her to do it. Ms. Erica has somehow chosen this over her loving, procrastinating, get-all-the-sucking-out-in-rehearsals (but also sometimes in the performance) middle and high school students. The coin she flipped to make this decision was probably weighted somehow by those heckin ASU people.

Ms. Erica has always been incredibly overqualified for the job she held at AISU, but has used her overqualifications and otherworldly connections to make AISU what it is today: a school that, despite failing miserably at everything, somehow succeeds tremendously at the performing arts.

Because of Ms. Erica, AISU’s performing arts program has had the opportunity to perform with incredible musicians and influential figures such as Erica Glenn. Almost as valuable were opportunities to perform with Dallyn Bayles, Kurt Bestor, Aaron Kenny, That One Guy, and other amazing people, as well as some people who weren’t that amazing but are possibly sort of well-known-ish maybe. Ms. Erica led AISU’s performing arts to undeservingly win countless competitions and awards, from the Utah Shakespearean Festival to the Kurt Bestor Competition to State Music Festivals/Competitions and many more.

Ms. Erica has stuck with AISU’s choirs in times of trial and hardship, usually caused by AISU’s choirs, and helped the choirs get through the hard times and make something of it. From the first showcase for the school during week zero to the latest regional music competition, Ms. Erica didn’t give up on her students (and also probably bribed the judges at regions), and practiced them into being better and slightly more deserving of their accomplishments.

There was a time when AISUers asked hypothetically, almost with a chuckle, “What would AISU be without Ms. Erica?” Now the school must face the horrifying reality: “What will AISU be without Ms. Erica?” And no one is laughing. Truly the school will not be the same without Ms. Erica, who is arguably responsible for all successes and improvements AISU has ever had. In fact, it may well be that without Ms. Erica, AISU becomes, to most observers—including those in Communist Cuba—merely “that school that had the whooping cough outbreak.”

Many students and staff members are expecting AISU to completely shut down not long after Ms. Erica’s announcement. However, in what experts are calling a surprising and risky move, school officials recently announced that AISU will not go hide under a rock somewhere and cry itself to sleep. Instead, plans are to stagger along like a crippled dog and whimper occasionally. Bets on how many days or hours AISU will survive after Ms. Glenn leaves have been circulating throughout the school. Las Vegas has officially placed the over-under at one hour, with most people eagerly taking the under, while others optimistically insist it will last as many as 90 minutes. In anticipation, many staff members and students have already begun looking for greener pastures, such as the Utah Department of Corrections or Alcatraz.

However, some students have a more positive outlook, especially with the news we just received that Ms. Erica’s friend Ms. Sarah will be taking over in Ms. Erica’s place. Ms. Sarah has an impressive resume, and many AISU students hope that she is actually just Ms. Erica in disguise and this whole thing was an elaborate prank gone wrong.

Despite the sense of optimism about Ms. Sarah, Arizona State has reported record numbers of applicants in the past few days, including several AISU students who are nowhere close to graduating. Some students have speculated that this was ASU’s plan all along, and that the school has terminated the recruitment manager, unofficially giving that title to Ms. Erica. In related news, local surgical clinics have reported a sudden increase in men-to-women gender change operations, a trend that is striking similar to the recent increase in the number of audition requests for ASU’s women’s choir.

Ms. Erica has done more for AISU than anyone can ever repay her, and she’ll do the same for ASU. One day, when she is conducting the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or something bigger than that (which is hard to imagine, but then, we once thought the same about the AISU gig), as well as singing every part by herself, and taking whatever she does to unimaginable heights, the one consolation for her former AISU students will be that we can say, with a smile on our face and a song in our heart, “We heard it here first.”

AISU – On Thursday, September 1, the American International School of Utah Athletics Director Mike Stumph “finally” confessed to stealing cookies from the cookie jar when he was a young child.

After more than 30 years of avoiding the subject with vague terms such as “Who, me? Couldn’t be.” and evasively shifting blame onto peers and coworkers, Stumph decided it was time to “come into the light” and admit his crime.

“After denying something like that for so long, it really devours you, just as I devoured that cookie many years ago.”

“It is with great regret that I inform you that I haven’t been a completely honest and trustworthy man for my entire life,” said a visibly shaken Stumph at an emergency press conference he held in the men’s bathroom. “I’ve made mistakes, some bigger than others, and it’s time I told you all the truth. … I stole the cookies from the cookie jar.”

The confession provoked tears and jeers from students, many of whom said it would “definitely” create trust issues in the future . The happiest person leaving the bathroom that day was the middle school student who found a silver dollar in the urinal. But the second happiest person leaving the bathroom that day was Stumph, who says he felt like a “cookie-sized yet incredibly heavy” burden had been lifted after confessing.

“It wasn’t easy,” Stumph said of coming clean. “After denying something like that for so long, it really devours you, just as I devoured that cookie many years ago.

“The guilt had been eating at my soul, as if it were a delicious cookie,” Stumph continued, “and to finally admit it feels like a weight has been taken from my shoulders, just as the cookie was taken from the cookie jar.”

Since the announcement, students appear to have completely lost respect for Stumph, calling him a “cookie monster” and either ignoring him or talking back to him even more than usual when he asks them where they’re supposed to be or tells them to get back to class.

The school’s administration has not yet officially commented. However, a reliable source says she heard from a reliable source that a reliable source told her that a reliable source said that the school is planning to discipline Stumph harshly, either by sending him to time-out, revoking his Chromebook privileges, taking away his pin, or another form of torture. Stumph has said he will conform to any discipline the school gives him, saying he understands he has done a very bad thing, but that he really hopes they don’t take away his pin.

AISU – A pure-intentioned, anonymous student turned herself in to authorities yesterday, confessing to having watched AISU Morning News, though she insists it was an accident.

The student, who spoke with the media on conditions of anonymity, claims to have been attempting to permanently delete the “urgent allone” thread in her school email when an unfamiliar message titled “AISU Morning News” showed up in her inbox. The student claims to have ignored it at first, as would every self-respecting person, but at that exact moment, her computer froze. “So I did what I always do in that situation,” said the student, “I randomly moved my mouse all over the screen and clicked everywhere a million times until it worked.”

However, once the mouse-moving and click spamming did work, the student found that she had inadvertently opened the AISU School News email and started to play it. “I was terrified,” said the student, who is believed to be the only person to ever watch the school news without being featured in it.

“I thought I would never be treated as normal anymore. … I was sure I would never be able to live this down.”

The student said she worried about what people would think about her if they found out what had happened. “I thought I would never be treated as normal anymore. I was afraid I would be known as ‘the girl who watched the school news’ for the rest of my life. I was sure I would never be able to live this down.”

She says her first reaction was to cover up her mistake. “I thought about hiding it. I could delete my history, never tell anyone, and nobody would have to know,” she said. “Unfortunately, Mike was standing right behind me at that moment, and he saw what I was doing. He said he wouldn’t tell anyone, but I knew he thought differently of me immediately.”

“So I knew what I had to do. I had to come clean. I thought that if I didn’t tell my side of the story, rumors would start, and the more I let the rumor spread, the more corrupted it would get, you know?” Said the victim, “And besides, it was an innocent mistake, and even though that doesn’t make me feel any better about seeing it, it did make it easier to come clean.”

This victim of school news videos says she has now opened a completely anonymous 12-step school news viewing recovery program, so that people can get help without facing public ridicule. She has also started a petition asking that the AISU school news emails not be sent to minors without parental consent. She’s already earning praise for her efforts. “This young lady is an excellent example of accomplishing great things despite social damnation to make the world a better and safer place,”says school psychologist Barbara Walters, herself a recovering news-watcher. “She is a role model to victims of the school news everywhere.”

AISU – On Tuesday, April 5, an unnamed AISU student was seen in the cafeteria during lunch with his tag sticking out of his shirt. The incident was confirmed by many eye-witnesses, some of whom reported seeing the out-of-place tag at other times throughout the day, leading authorities us to assume that the victim didn’t notice what was happening until it was too late.

Sources close to the victim explain that while several people saw his tag was sticking out, nobody had the heart to tell him about the mishap. “He looked so clueless about the whole thing,” an anonymous witness said, choking back tears. “Nobody wanted to ruin his day by telling him about it, and it was pretty hilarious, too.”

Word of the spectacle spread quickly through the school, until it seemed everyone knew about the wardrobe malfunction except the victim himself. “I didn’t even know [the victim] existed until today,” one classmate said. “But now it’d be hard not to know.”

The victim is believed to have noticed the tag once he arrived at home, and spent the remainder of the evening wondering how long it had been that way. He was next seen at school with a paper bag over his head and duct tape keeping his tag down. Since the incident, he has never been seen within 15 feet of another human being. He is now rumored to be removing all tags from his shirts, undergoing extensive plastic surgery, and moving to Uruguay. Such behavior is quite normal, experts say. “Can you blame him?” said one psychologist, who asked to remain anonymous and was hard to understand perfectly because he too had a paper bag over his head. “I mean, his life has been torn into pieces before his eyes. And what did his friends do about it? Nothing, except laugh at him behind his back. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to catch a plane to Uruguay.”

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