Rants about Life, Politics, Stupid People, and anything else that just trips my trigger. If you are offended by bad words and someone else's opinion based on whatever info is available, maybe this isn't the place to visit. If not, come on in, tie up, grab a beer and stay awhile. Comments are welcome, Really. Living Life Through the Windshield!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Look at my fellow conservatives! There they go, glumly shufflingalong, depressed by the election aftermath. Not me. I'm virtuallyeuphoric.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not thrilled with America's flirtation withneo-socialism.. But there's a massive silver lining in those magicalclouds that lofted Barack Obama to the Presidency. For today, withouta shred of intellectually legitimate opposition, I can loudly proclaimto America: The Era of White Guilt is over.

This seemingly impossible event occurred because the vast majority ofwhite Americans didn't give a fluff about skin color, andenthusiastically pulled the voting lever for a black man. Not just anyblack man. A very liberal black man who spent his early careerrace-hustling banks, praying in a racist church for 20 years, andactively worked with America-hating domestic terrorists. Wow! Someresume! Yet they made Barack Obama their leader. Therefore, as ofNovember 4th, 2008, white guilt is dead.

For over a century, the millstone of white guilt hung around ournecks, retribution for slave-owning predecessors. In the 60s, Americanliberals began yanking that millstone while sticking a fork in the eyeof black Americans, exacerbating the racial divide to extort asocialist solution. But if a black man can become President, exactlywhat significant barrier is left? The election of Barack Obamaabsolutely destroys the entire validation of liberal white guilt. Thedragon is hereby slain.

So today, I'm feeling a little "uppity," if you will. From this dayforward, my tolerance level for having my skin color hustled is nowexactly ZERO. And it's time to clean house. No more Reverend Wright's"God Damn America," Al Sharpton's Church of Perpetual Victimization,or Jesse Jackson's rainbow racism. Cornell West? You're a fraud. Gohome. All those "black studies" programs that taught kids to hatewhitey? You must now thank Whitey. And I want that on the final.

Gangsta rappers? Start praising America. Begin with the Pledge ofAllegiance. And please, no more ebonics. Speak English, and who knowswhere you might end up? Oh, yeah, pull up your pants. Your underwearis showing. You look stupid.

Black Fraternities? Seek diversity. Race card? It's now the joker.Miss Black America? Get in line with all the other lovely ladies.Reparations? Paid.

To those Eurosnots who forged entire careers hating America? I'm stillwaiting for the first black French President.

And let me offer an equal opportunity whupping. I've always despisedlazy white people. Now, I can talk smack about lazy black people.You're poor because you quit school, did drugs, had three kids withthree different fathers, and refuse to work. So when you plop yourColt 45-swilling, Oprah watchin' butt on the couch and complain "DaMan is keepin' me down," allow me to inform you: Da Man is now black.You have no excuses.

No more quotas. No more handouts. No more stealing my money becausesomeone's great-great-great-great grandparents suffered actual painand misery at the hands of people I have no relation to, andpersonally revile.

It's time to toss that massive, obsolete race-hustle machine upon theheap of the other stupid 60s ideas. Drag it over there, by wifeswapping, next to dope-smoking. Plenty of room right between free loveand cop-killing. Careful, don't trip on streaking. There ya go, don'tbe gentle. Just dump it. Wash your hands. It's filthy.

In fact, Obama's ascension created a gargantuan irony. How can yousell class envy and American unfairness when you and your black wifewent to Ivy League schools, got high-paying jobs, became millionaires,bought a mansion, and got elected President? How unfair is that???Now, Like a delicious O'Henry tale, Obama's spread-the-wealth campaignrendered itself moot by it's own victory! America is officially ameritocracy. Obama's election has validated American conservatism!

So, listen carefully…Wham!!!

That's the sound of my foot kicking the door shut on the era of whiteguilt. The rites have been muttered, the carcass lowered, dirtshoveled, and tombstone erected. White guilt is dead and buried.

Monday, November 17, 2008

> NINE WORDS WOMEN USE>> (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.>> (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.>> (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.>> (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!>> (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement of ten misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)>> (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women ca n make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.>> (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').>> (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!>> (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Monday, October 27, 2008

I put my carry-on in the luggage compartment and sat down in myassigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. 'I'm glad I have agood book to read. Perhaps I will get a short nap,' I thought.

Just before take-off, a line of soldiers came down the aisle andfilled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding me. I decided tostart a conversation. 'Where are you headed?' I asked the soldierseated nearest to me.

'Chicago - to Great Lakes Base. We'll be there for two weeks forspecial training, and then we're being deployed to Iraq ' After flyingfor about an hour, an announcement was made that sack lunches wereavailable for five dollars. It would be several hours before wereached Chicago, and I quickly decided a lunch would help pass thetime.

As I reached for my wallet, I overheard a soldier ask his buddy if heplanned to buy lunch. 'No, that seems like a lot of money for just asack lunch. Probably wouldn't be worth five bucks. I'll wait till weget to Chicago His friend agreed. I looked around at the othersoldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked to the back of the planeand handed the flight attendant a fifty dollarbill. 'Take a lunch to all those soldiers.' She grabbed my arms andsqueezed tightly. Her eyes wet with tears, she thanked me. 'My sonwas a soldier in Iraq; it's almost like you are doing it for him.'

Picking up ten sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the soldierswere seated. She stopped at my seat and asked, 'Which do you likebest - beef or chicken?'

'Chicken,' I replied, wondering why she asked. She turned and went tothe front of plane, returning a minute later with a dinner plate fromfirst class. 'This is your thanks.' After we finished eating, I wentagain to the back of the plane, heading for the rest room. A manstopped me. 'I saw what you did. I want to be part of it. Here,take this.' He handed me twenty-five dollars.

Soon after I returned to my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming downthe aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he walked, I hoped he wasnot looking for me, but noticed he was looking at the numbers only onmy side of the plane.When he got to my row he stopped, smiled, held out his hand, an said,'I want to shake your hand.' Quickly unfastening my seatbelt I stoodand took the Captain's hand. With abooming voice he said, 'I was a soldier and I was a military pilot.Once, someone bought me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I neverforgot.' I was embarrassed when applause was heard from all of thepassengers.

Later I walked to the front of the plane so I could stretch my legs.A man who was seated about six rows in front of me reached out hishand, wanting to shake mine. He left another twenty-five dollars inmy palm.

When we landed in Chicago I gathered my belongings and started todeplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man who stoppedme, put something in my shirt pocket, turned, and walked away withoutsaying a word. Anothertwenty-five dollars!

Soon entering the terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for theirtrip to the base. I walked over to them and handed them seventy-fivedollars. 'It will take you some time to reach the base. It will beabout time for a sandwich. God Bless You.'

Ten young men left that flight feeling the love and respect of theirfellow travelers. As I walked briskly to my car, I whispered a prayerfor their safe return. These soldiers were giving their all for ourcountry. I could only give them a couple of meals. It seemed solittle...

A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life wrote ablank check Made payable to 'The United States of America ' for anamount of 'up to and including my life.' That is Honor, and there areway too many people in This country who no longer understand it.'

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Lest you cherry pickers accuse me of developing a Johnny-come-lately idea due to the political climate, let me say that if you'd care to peruse my soapbox columns of several years ago you'd find that I was saying the same thing.

I have for many years felt that there is a movement afoot in this nation for a handful of elitist left-wing political groups to seize power over every aspect of American life.

Now I know this is not news to you levelheaded thinking people, but the rest of my opinion may be. You see, I think they not only plan on seizing power but keeping it permanently.

Impossible you say with our system of checks and balances and our free election process?

Well let's take a look.

For the last several decades we have had what is basically an open border with Mexico and politicians from both sides of the aisle have done their best to shove amnesty programs down the throats of a protesting American public.

They absolutely refuse to do anything meaningful to stop the dangerous flow of illegals, under the guise of human decency and wanting everybody to have a shot at the American dream.

This claim, for the most part is composed of the same stuff we dig out of the lot where we keep our bulls. In my humble opinion the reason for laxity on the border is not concern or compassion but a political fallacy being purported on the American public by power-hungry politicians who had no business in Washington in the first place.

Can't you see what's happening here folks? The Democrats and moderates aided by wimpy, spineless Republicans in Congress are creating their own voting block, an alliance of undereducated immigrants, welfare families and fanatical fringe groups that seek to change the face of America forever.

We in America are lazy when it comes to taking the time to vote but you'd better believe that these people won't be lazy. They'll go to the polls every time they open and vote for the candidate and the party who promises to give them the most.

These people don't care about democracy. Did Congress listen to the overwhelming opinion of the American people who didn't want a seven hundred billion dollar government bailout of the banks? They care about power, and if they pull this off I believe we'll see America fall into a cycle of government entitlements and vote buying that we have never had in our history.

Look around you at the voter fraud going on in this country. ACORN currently has allegations of voter fraud in at least 15 states, and many of those are considered battleground states. Do you think the Democratic-controlled Congress is going to do anything meaningful about it? No, because the illegally registered voters would all be voting for them and their party.

Look at the opaque wall that has been built up around Barack Obama. To mention his hate-spewing pastor of twenty years, his friendship with unrepentant terrorist, Bill Ayers, his association with convicted Chicago slumlord, Tony Rezko, his shady association with Khalid Rashidi - a man who has ties to the PLO, or Obama's own reluctance to release his college history, the doubt about the validity of his birth certificate and all the other things including his full name are forbidden and any one who tries to do so is branded a racist.

What Obama wants appears to be the Socialist States of America. He says that 95% of Americans will get a tax cut, but I don't see any way he can keep that promise considering the trillion dollars in new spending he wants. Bill Clinton promised a middle class tax cut too, and how did that work out?

Obama is the purest example of a silver-tongued charlatan. When Obama says he's not raising taxes on the middle class, what he neglects to tell you is that he and the other Democrats will allow the Bush tax cuts to expire which will result in your taxes going up while promising all along that he won't be raising taxes. That's what I call speaking with a forked tongue.

Under Obama's plan, any person or business making more than $250,000 a year will end up with massive tax increases. The problem is that Obama won't say if that $250,000 is the gross, net, or profit or personal. He also says that very few small businesses make more that $250,000, but that isn't the case.

According to a recent report, 70% of small business with more than 10 employees DO make more than $250,000 a year, and not too long ago, in a year when major corporations were downsizing, small business created close to 100% of all new jobs.

In their last debate, both McCain and Obama talked a lot about Joe Wurzelbacher, the plumber from Holland, Ohio who challenged Obama on his tax policies. Joe wants to buy the plumbing company he works for, but that will automatically push him into the over $250,000 bracket, and when Obama knocked on Joe's door this week in Ohio, Joe confronted him with his tax situation.

He asked Obama, "Do you believe in the American dream? I'm being taxed more and more for fulfilling the American dream.'' Obama said that he didn't want to punish him for his success, but he thought that it was important to "spread the wealth around", and God bless him, Joe told him how he felt about that.

John McCain needs to put Joe the Plumber on the campaign trail to stump for him, because Joe's not afraid to call Obama what he really is, a socialist.

With Obama's "Hope and Change", people will hope they have some change left in their pockets.

This is one big socialistic power-grab, and in my opinion Barack Obama is going to tear this country apart whether he is elected or not.

After all these years I'll finally have to agree with James Carville on something. If the vote is close but Obama is not elected, I believe we'll see riots in the inner city streets of America.

If he is elected I believe that on his inauguration day, America will go into what could well be an irreversible tailspin and armed with a Democrat Congress and Senate the damage done to this country could well topple America from it's long held place as number one on the planet.

The really maddening thing about it is going to be that after their voting block is established there won't be a single thing Americans who disagree with their policies can do about it.

This situation has been developing over many years and has reached an exponential rate of progress and the America we know and love hangs in the balance.

Louis Farrakhan actually called Barack Hussein Obama "the Messiah".

But let not your heart be troubled. The real Messiah is still in charge and in a time like this it is so comforting to know that no matter what, God will take care of His own.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart' policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin' in, you ain't gettin nuttin' out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.

(6) Welfare-Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes -- Steroids -- The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There are no more life sentences. If convicted, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim: gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed: Wheat. The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have and better than what you're gonna get. Thanks for listening and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.

God Bless America !!!!!!!!!!!

Bill Cosby!!!!!!!!

Please Forward This to Everyone you know no matter which side of the fence they're on.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Just in! Hey guys & girls…facts are facts!! This has to make you think a little bit, if not then keep your blinders on!

George Bush has been in office for 7 1/2 years. The first six the economy was fine. A little over one year ago:

Consumer confidence stood at a 2 1/2 year high;

Regular gasoline sold for $2.19 a gallon;

The unemployment rate was 4.5%.

The DOW JONES hit a record high–14,000 +

American's were buying new cars, taking cruises, vacations over seas, living large!…

But Americans wanted 'CHANGE'! So, in 2006 they voted in a Democratic Congress & yep — we got 'CHANGE' all right.

In the PAST YEAR:

Consumer confidence has plummeted;

Gasoline is now over $4 a gallon & climbing!;

Unemployment is up to 5% (a 10% increase);

Americans have seen their home equity drop by $12 TRILLION DOLLARS & prices still dropping;

1% of American homes are in foreclosure.

As I write, THE DOW is probing another low, $2.5 TRILLION DOLLARS HAS EVAPORATED FROM THEIR STOCKS, BONDS & MUTUAL FUNDS INVESTMENT PORTFOLIOS!

YEP , IN 2006 AMERICA VOTED FOR CHANGE!…AND WE SURE GOT IT!!!…. NOW OBAMA, the DEM'S CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT — AND THE POLLS SAY HE'S GONNA BE 'THE MAN' — CLAIMS HE'S GONNA REALLY GIVE US CHANGE!!…. JUST HOW MUCH MORE 'CHANGE' DO YA THINK YOU CAN STAND???…..

We may see. I didn't want change, nor do I want to see any more change like this!

Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered why, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, WHY do we have deficits?

Have you ever wondered why, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, WHY do we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.

You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does.

You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.

You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.

You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president, and nine Supreme Court justices 545 human bei ngs out of the 300 million are directly, legally, morally, and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered, but private, central bank.

I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it. No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's responsibility to determine how he votes.

Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing y ou that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and criticized the President for creating deficits. The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it.

The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating and approving appropriations and taxes. Who is the speaker of the House? She is the leader of the majority party. She and fellow House members, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetoes it, they can pass it over his veto if they agree to.

It se ems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300 million cannot replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic problem that is not traceable directly to those 545 people. When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise the power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.

If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red.

If the Army & Marines are in IRAQ, it's because they want them in IRAQ.

If they do not receive social security but are on an elite retirement plan not available to the people, it's because they want it that way.

Comments: It's true that members of the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives enjoy a relatively generous government pension plan — some say too generous — but this email rant offers very little else in the way of accuracy. Under a law enacted in 1983, all members of Congress both contribute to and receive benefits from the Social Security system. Upon retirement, members receive either a combination of federal pension and Social Security benefits or Social Security alone, depending upon when their term of service started and how they configured their individual plan.

Members elected after 1983 pay into the Federal Employees Retirement System. Members elected before 1983 participate in the older Civil Service Retirement Program. In both cases, members of Congress contribute to the plans at a slightly higher rate than ordinary federal employees.

As of 2002, 411 retired members were receiving benefits under CSRS at an average rate of $55,788 per year and 71 were receiving benefits under FERS (or a combination of CSRS and FERS) with $41,856 per year in average benefits. Members do not automatically received lifetime pensions. How much they receive and how long they receive it depends on many factors, including age, length of service (including military) and choice of plans, etc. So, while it's conceivable that a few may receive pay-outs totalling more than a million dollars by the time they die, they would be the exception, not the rule.

Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take this power. Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exists disembodied mystical forces like 'the economy,' 'inflation,' or 'politics' that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.Those 545 people, and they alone, are responsible.

They, and they alone, have the power.

They, and they alone, should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses provided the voters have the gumption to manage their own employees.We should vote all of them out of office and clean up their mess!

:Adding a tax to your retirement is simply another way of saying to the American people, you're so darn stupid that we're going to keepdoing this until we drain every cent from you. That's what the Speaker of the House is saying.

Read below...............

Nancy Pelosiwants a Windfall Tax on Retirement Income. In other words tax what you have made by investing toward your retirement.

This woman is a nut case! You aren't going to believe this.

Madam speakerNancy Pelosiwants to put a Windfall Tax on all stock market profits including Retirement fund, 401K and Mutual Funds!

Alas, it is true - all to help the 12 Million Illegal Immigrants and other unemployed Minorities!

This woman is frightening. She states...'We need to work toward the goal of equalizing income,

(didn't Marx say something like this), in our country and at the same time limiting the amount the rich can invest.'

(I am not rich, are you?)

When asked how these new tax dollars would be spent, she replied:'We need to raise the standard of living of our poor, unemployed and minorities. For example, we have an estimated 12 million illegal immigrantsin our country who need our help along with millions of unemployed minorities. Stock market windfall profits taxes could go a long way to guaranteethese people the standard of living they would like to have as 'Americans'.'

Read that quote again and again and let it sink in.Lower your retirement, give it to others who have not worked as you have for it.Send it on to your friends.I just did!! This lady is out of her mind.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

> Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama,> and John Mc Cain> were flying to a debate.>> Barack looked at> Hillary, .....chuckled and said. ..."You know I could > throw a $1,000 bill> out of the window right now and make somebody very> happy.">> Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could> throw ten $100 bills> out of the window and make ten people very happy." >> John added ..."That being the case, I could throw one> hundred $10 bills out> of the window and make a hundred people very happy.">> Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and > said to his copilot,> 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of> them out of> the window and make 156 million people very happy.'>> I'm voting for the Pilot >

Friday, May 16, 2008

Q: What is better than winning a medal at the SpecialOlympics? A: Not being retarded *********** Q: What's blue and fucks old people? A: Hypothermia ************** Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets outof the battered wives' shelter? A: The dishes, if she knows what's fucking good for her *************** Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time

A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. *************** Q: What is the definition of making love'? A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. **************** Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common? A: They don't fucking listen. *************** Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts? A: Gonorrhea **************** Q: Why did God create yeast infections? A: So women would know what it's like to live with anirritating cunt once in a while too. ***************** Q. How can you tell a macho woman? A. She rolls her own tampons. ***************** Q. Why do fags like ribbed condoms? A. Better traction in the mud. ***************** Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep? A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister. ***************** Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson? A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he'sat least 13 years old. ***************** Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? A. Marry it. ***************** Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and ahooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. ***************** Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance? A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they'redriving. ***************** Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen? A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat atthirty miles an hour. ***************** Q. Why do women call it PMS? A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken. ***************** Q. What's a mixed feeling? A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliffin your new car. ***************** Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. ***************** Q. What's the definition of macho? A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy. ***************** Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelorparty? A. The cake jumps out of the girl. ***************** Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your wholeweek. ***************** Q. How is pubic hair like parsley? A. You push it to the side before you start eating. ***************** Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A. You know she'll swallow. ***************** Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A. They don't want to wear out the camel. ***************** Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and aJewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. ****************** Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. ****************** Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranchknow when it is bedtime? A. When the big hand touches the little hand... ****************** Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes andclean the house? A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's nottime. ****************** Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals thatkick. ****************** Q. Why is divorce so expensive? A. Because it's worth it __________________

Hello, and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we will trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by sending this to at least one unstable person to show you care.

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Saturday, April 19, 2008

"Remember the election in 2006?Thought you might like to read the following. A little over one year ago

1) Consumer confidence stood at a 2 1/2 year high;2) Regular gasoline sold for $2.19 a gallon;3) The unemployment rate was 4.5%.

"Since voting in a Democratic Congress in 2006 we have seen:

1) Consumer confidence plummet;2) The cost of regular gasoline soar to over $3.50 a gallon;3) Unemployment is up to 5% (a 10% increase);4) American households have seen $2.3 trillion in equity value evaporate (stock and mutual fund losses); 5) Americans have seen their home equity drop by $1.2 trillion dollars;6) 1% of American homes are in foreclosure.