You know how everyone’s worried about Game of Thrones the show catching up with the books it’s based on? Well, unfortunately that’s definitely going to happen at some point, because George R. R. Martin says that he’s still working on the next-to-last book in his seven-book series. And each book is like a thousand pages long, so basically the last book will arrive in bookstores the day after all of our funerals. It’s decades away!

So, that’s frustrating. But what’s funny is that this news was “reported” on TMZ, because some paparazzo caught sight of Martin in Los Angeles and started following him around. How odd that must be. One day you’re a cultishly loved fantasy nerd living mostly anonymously in New Mexico, and the next you’re at The Grove being followed by tabloid video cameras. But he seems to take it in genial stride, saying “Who the hell knows?” when asked if the TV series will catch up with the book series.

Wait. Who the hell knows? Shouldn’t you know, George R. R. Martin, author of the books? I get that the creative process is tricky and fluid and trying to wrangle it into a specific timeline doesn’t always work, but still. I really don’t like “who the hell knows” as a response. That makes me scared. That’s all. Live your life, George R. R. Martin. Write your books when you want to write your damn books. But if you care about us at all, could you maybe please try to figure out when this whole thing’s gonna wrap up? Or maybe just try to handle us fans a little more delicately? I can respect the blunt honesty of “who the hell knows,” but we are human beings with feelings. [TMZ]

All right, here’s the requisite Justin Bieber news for the day. According to TMZ, the Los Angeles Police Department is investigating the fallen Canadian angel for attempted robbery. Oof. Supposedly, on Monday night Bieber was playing some mini-golf and hitting some balls in the batting cage, like you do on a Monday night. At one point, according to one woman’s story, Justin and his crew got into some kind of spat with another crew, and the woman watching reached into her purse to get her phone to take a photo. Bieber, allegedly, was not happy with that, and so he came over to her and demanded to see her phone with the intent to delete any photos she might have taken. The woman refused, Justin went for the phone anyway, there was a struggle, and then it was eventually proven that there were no photos taken. The woman says that she told Bieber that her 13-year-old daughter was just hoping to say hello, and Bieber then yelled at her, “You're humiliating yourself in front of your daughter. Why don't you just get out of here.” Then the daughter started crying and it was all a mess.

So look, we really don’t know if this is true or not. There’s no way of knowing at this point, or possibly ever, what really happened that fateful Monday at that mini-golf course. What we do know, no matter the truth of this particular situation, is that Justin Bieber would probably be better off if he went to live in the woods. In the woods, people do not try to take cellphone pictures of you while you’re playing mini-golf. In the woods, there aren’t any janitor’s buckets to pee in. In the woods, you can’t get pulled over for hot-doggin’ in a fancy car. In the woods, you just live in the woods in your little shack and you murmur at birds and squirrels and other creatures and maybe you marry a forest lady and have wild, ragamuffin forest children. That’s what happens in the woods. Doesn’t that sound better than all this, Justin? So go live in the woods. It’s really the only thing to be done at this point. [TMZ]

Miley Cyrus has apologized for yelling something obscene at a gay nightclub. So . . . Has Miley Cyrus just apologized for the last three years of her life? Hasn’t all she’s been doing for the past three years been yelling profanity in gay nightclubs? I’m confused. I guess there is a single incident that she is apologizing for—she’s worried that people thought she was referring to her ex Liam Hemsworth when she said “I'm gonna tell those motherf--kers that broke my heart, particularly one, to suck my fat d--k” at G-A-Y nightclub in London—but if she has to apologize for yelling one obscenity in a gay nightclub, does that mean she has to apologize for the rest, thereby apologizing for her entire existence? Miley Cyrus may be having an existential dilemma, y’all. [Us Weekly]

Zach Braff and Taylor Swift are not dating, so stop saying they are, people who were saying that. And who was that? Who was saying that Taylor Swift and Zach Braff were dating? And why were they saying that? Did they look at Jake Gyllenhaal and John Mayer and say “Oh, I’ve figured out the pattern, it’s gonna be Zach Braff next”? It makes perfect sense, but still. You can’t just make up a Taylor Swift dating rumor out of nowhere. It can’t work that way. Mostly because Taylor Swift dating rumors are as common as ants. There are too many! So stop adding to the pile with baseless claims, people who said that Zach Braff and Taylor Swift were dating. Just stop. Enough. Taylor Swift will not be rumored to be dating anyone for one calendar year. That is the rule I’m imposing. We’ll see you in 2015, Taylor. [Daily Mail]