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I try to determine who the luckiest narcissist is before I cast my vote for President. But, who do I think is going to win the election?

I have a theory on this. I think the three best predictors of political success are how good your hair is, how you look in a suit, and what their spouse is like. To reach the heights of your ambition, you will need at least two of these qualities. So, there is wiggle room. But, I have to admit there are exceptions to keep in mind.

This criteria isn’t just limited to politics. Its in business as well. The height, hair, and weight of fortune 500 CEOs and actors are statistic aberrations which shouldn’t occur in a thousand iterations of our history. I mean, if talent is distributed randomly, we shouldn’t have a collection of tall, thin, non balding men and women occupying the top spots across the majority of companies.

I think hair is probably the most important factor in determining Presidential success. The Presidents people love are the men who posses rich and luxurious manes of hair: Kennedy, Reagan, and Clinton all had powerful sets of hair compared to their opponents. Reagan’s Hollywood hair defeated Carter’s Southern flop, Clinton’s rather entertaining and unique hair got ride of Bush 1, Kennedy’s Irish rogue look easily defeated Nixon’s pathetic comb back, and Obama’s hair, while not wonderful, overcame the bald McCain. And, even if a bald politician gets elected, look at what happens to them. Nixon comes to mind on this one. He not only resigned in shame, but became the boogy-man of political evil when pretty much every other President has done worse things (Reagan’s Iran-Contra; where people got killed; Kennedy’s non-congressional authorization of the Bay of Pigs; Clinton lying under oath about getting blow job from a chubby girl with gingivitas and perjuring himself under oath [what bothered me the most about this wasn’t what he did, it was who he did it with; he’s the President: he can get the best of the best. Compare and contrast the following: Kennedy had Marilyn Monroe; Clinton had Monica Lewinsky…..note the difference]). The exceptions to this rule are guys who have smooth spherical powerful heads. If you have this, a white guy should shave their head, use their extra testosterone to bulk up, and grow a fui man shu. These are the married guys who score the most. Another exception is the bald black brother look, which, if I was black and didn’t have a lumpy head, is what I would rock out. And, on a personal note, if I ever go bald, I’m going to one ugly guy who probably will be forced into an early, sexless retirement.

Politicians are aware of this. Look at Romney and Ryan. Romney obviously is dying his hair because it hasn’t changed in years. I mean, look at his distinguished grey side burns, yet youthful bangs. Grey hair spreads; it doesn’t stop. He knows a dash of grey will give him the prosperous, successful patriarch look reminiscent of Reagan. (I’m getting really sick of hearing about former Presidents, by the way. I care about the future, not the past. Reagan left office twenty years ago. Clinton left office 12 years ago. Get over it. Also, am I the only person who thought bringing Clinton in to speak was a lot like having a Dad come fight for your battles for you?)

The second most important feature is how you look in suits. The most successful TV era Presidents look better than Sean Connery’s James Bond when they wear their 5k to 40k suits (these suits are called “the invincible” because no matter what happens in a meeting, a speech, or a negotiation you can always think to yourself “Hey, I’m wearing a suit that costs more than people’s cars: how am I not awesome?” It’s a great confidence builder). And, it’s not just about a suit; it’s the complete look as well. Ties are important as well. One of the things I noticed about the political conventions is what sort of ties the speakers are wearing. A light blue tie is considered soft because, well, it’s baby blue and it appeals to women. The Republicans are having trouble with women and both Romney and Ryan wore light blue ties most of the time. The exception was when Romney wore a red tie during his big speech. Red is a power tie signifying he is an alpha male ready to take charge and lead the country to the promised land. The exceptions to this are the people who can pull off the supremely-confident casual look. Obama is an example of this. Rolled up sleeves and a button down shirt is his favorite look and I think he’s pulling it off.

The least important, but can be a tie-breaker, is how likable the wife is. One of my good friends in the military said in order to get promoted you need a wife the senior officers’ spouses liked so she can go politic for you. An example of this is George W.’s wife. She reminded me of every one’s favorite Aunt and it wouldn’t have surprised me if she served Arafat milk and homemade cookies when he came to the White House. The exception to this rule is, of course, Hillary Clinton. This women is a battle axe and would probably kick my ass in a fist fight.

Let’s examine the candidates to see who has the advantage. Since these are joint tickets, we have to weight the entire ticket. One point for the vice-Presidents, whose sole job appears to be waiting for the President to die. Two points go to the President.

I think Romney wins the hair battle. His hair projects experience, yet vigor. It makes him seem kind and wise ready to judiciously guide the nation. (2 points to Romney.) Ryan’s hair versus Biden’s hair is no contest: Ryan wins (1 point to Ryan). This is the biggest liability on the Obama-Biden ticket and, if I was advising them, I’d suggest Obama go for the bald brother look (he’s got a spherical head).

Romney-Ryan: 3 points

Obama-Biden: 1 point

How do they look in suits? Romney’s suit and tie projection would win wars. Meanwhile, Obama’s cool casual look, however, is awesome. Ryan looks like a ten year old wearing hand-me downs when he’s in a suit, but, so does Biden. I would call this one a wash, but the Democratic base loves Obama’s look and it appears to fire them up (plus, Obama drinking beer every time I see him on a campaign stop is a solid move; he’s the cool guy, so, I’ll give him a point for this…also, I’ve wondered who’s running the country when the President’s trying to win reelection and spend all their time campaigning…if someone would please answer this for me, tell me).

Romney-Ryan: 3 points

Obama-Biden: 2 points

Now, down to the wives. I think Romney and Ryan got their wives off of the blond fem-bot assembly line. And, Ann Romney, for a women who’s shelled out five kids and has been married for over forty years, she looks great (10% of my high school was Mormon and, I have to admit, if I had to bet on which group of people produce the best looking chicks on average, it is the Mormon and the Danish…I always had the suspicion Mormons were running a Eugenics program to breed the best looking women, but I digress). Michelle Obama gave a powerful speech and her self-confidence and intelligence are evident. Biden’s wife is a doctor, but largely invisible. I’m going to give one point to Romney for having a wife who is still bangable after 42 years of marriage (even though I’d be afraid, if I gave her a hug, the next morning I’d discover she’s had triplets) and one point for Obama since her force of personality appeals to women.

Final Tally:

Romney-Ryan: 4 points

Obama-Biden: 3 points

Time for the conclusion. Since Obama-Biden is behind, I’d recommend Obama eliminate the dead weight lose: Biden. He doesn’t bring good hair, look spectacular in a suit, and his wife is missing. He doesn’t bring anything to the table! Replace him with someone else. For Romney, I’d recommend he promote his wife and use her more often. I’m of the theory that, if we know the President (a man who has someone following him around with codes that can launch nuclear missiles, something he can do if he feels like it), is having lots of relaxing sex with a nice and likable women to take his mind off the world’s problems, we’d feel better about his policies.