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Friday, January 31, 2014

The Strongest Broken Heart

I never really get too personal on my blog. Firstly, because what I'm having for dinner, how my day at work went, something silly that my cat Mr. Fluffy Whiskers said, or what I'm wearing on Saturday is just not that interesting. Hashtag ... NO ONE CARES! But secondly, I just really don't let people close to me in real life. I keep everyone at arms length. It's a defense mechanism more than anything.

But yesterday I wrote a post about basically not making excuses or giving up, which was challenged by a thoughtful reader. Most post comments whether supportive or contrary usually roll off my back. But for some reason, this anonymous comment triggered something inside me. It really made me do some evaluating. At times I think it's important to gain perspective of someone so you get a clearer picture of why they are who they are. So here's a little about me that I've never shared before, and will probably never again ...

I grew up in a small Southern Missouri town in the 70's. My father left my sister and me after returning from the Vietnam War when I was three years old. He was an alcoholic. I literally physically saw the man about 5 times in my life. The only contact we had from him was about every 2-3 years when we'd get a late night drunk dial where he'd express his profound sorrow, and promise to come see us soon. Guess what, we waited and waited ... but he never came. My mom did the best she could, but unfortunately like many of us, had short comings of her own. Since she was a single mom raising two kids without child support, we were obviously dirt poor. At times we missed meals. We got food stamps for a while, but money was always a struggle. I started working at about age 13, and almost every check I ever earned went to help pay bills. For a few years when I was 8'ish, my mom dated a UPS driver from Appleton City, Missouri named Ken Cross. He was a deacon at his church ... who hated me and was physically abusive with me. He's dead now from old age or something, but I used to pray when I was little that he would die of something horrible and painful. When a man that's not your father ... and the only thing you want in life is your father ... hits you in the face, it changes something inside you. There's so much I could share from those years, but I don't want to embarrass anyone, or bore any of you with the details. And like many of us, I could go through a laundry list of horrible things here and there, and we could sit around and compare battle scars from growing up, but I won't. It all gets a little blurry over the years and sometimes we have trouble discerning actual facts from imagined trauma in our memory bank. For example, there have been allegations over the years of sexual abuse by now deceased family members by other family members, but it didn't happen to me, and I can't confirm them. But looking back, there always seemed to be a lot of drama in my young life.

Fast forward to when I was about 29. I reached out to my father, just so I would at least know the man a little. At that point, I hadn't heard from him in about 12 years. Nothing. When I finally saw him for the first time, I learned he had been in and out of jail periodically, worked as a farm hand and construction laborer here and there, fathered a few other children whom I'd never met, and now lived in a shack with no plumbing and an actual outhouse about 20 feet from the front door, on the bank of a river in Southern Kansas. My father was literally living like a stray dog who'd wandered into a vacant barn to take shelter from the cold. The harshness of his life had grossly distorted the young face that I had only known from pictures. The face that looked exactly like mine. He was nervous around me, mostly cordial, and somewhat repentant, and I'm thankful to this day that I made the meeting happen. But literally about two weeks after the trip to visit him, he stole a motorcycle, took it for a joyride with a woman he'd picked up from a bar, and while drunk ... obliviously ... crashed the bike into a telephone pole killing himself, and murdering the woman as well. I mean there was literally one pole in the middle of this wheat field ... and he hit it. Like it was planted there, just for him. Great legacy dad ... thank you.

The point of the story is that, although it's unfortunately not much different than a lot of personal stories ... you DO NOT know me. You don't know what I've been through, nor do I you. We all have a world of experiences, some super-great, and some dark, that make us who we are. I used to look around my classroom in school and rank how bad I thought certain kid's lives were compared to mine. I was certain I had the worst. I just knew I had the deepest wounds in the room. And all I wanted was my dad to walk through the door. But the pain and struggle taught me a couple of things over the years ...

1. Many, many, many, many, many (can't say "many" enough) people have it much worse than I did.2. I was NEVER going to let my situation be the reason I failed at anything ... and I was absolutely going to overcome and never use it an excuse.

You can go one of two ways when faced with adversity. Some get crushed under the weight of a broken heart and just never really recover ... which is certainly understandable. But some, after getting crushed, somehow get up. And when they get up, at times they stand stronger and shine brighter than everyone else around them. They know that nothing can hold them back, because they've been through hell and back and came out stronger for it. I choose to be the latter. I learned quickly that not having the support system of a father figure around meant I had to work a little harder, and push myself a little more just to keep up with the other kids. I didn't want to. I wanted to sit around and feel sorry for myself. But I evolved into a person that when anyone has ever doubted me, or put me down, or challenged me, or simply told me I couldn't do something ... I stepped up, took the challenge, and most of the time proved them wrong. I live to prove them wrong. Almost like an 8 year old little boy showing everyone he can make it on his own without a dad.

At times it makes me come across as a little arrogant, cold, and uncaring, which I truly regret. More than anything, that's just deep seeded anger and fear bubbling to the surface. It's simply a survival mechanism. If you read my blog, hopefully you see that overall I try to be a voice of encouragement, and not discouraging. Someone who people can look at and say, "Wow, that old guy really works his butt off ... I think I'll follow his example!" But the anonymous writer absolutely identified something in me dead on, that I really struggle with ... a lack of compassion and understanding of other people's situation. It shouldn't be, but it's one of my biggest character flaws that I really battle to overcome. And it's regrettable that it was so easily unmasked in my writing. You'd think, based on my life's path, I would have a bleeding heart for anyone going through any trial. But unfortunately my reaction is typically, "C'mon ... suck it up ... stop making excuses!" And bringing this back to a running and fitness blog, when I see a perfectly able-bodied person quit, or make an excuse because things get "a little tough", it just runs counter to everything that I am. But in fairness, I should probably mind my own business.

So there it is. I'm obviously flawed, and by no means perfect. In fact, probably more than "a little" damaged. If we ever meet, you probably won't recognize any of this in me ... I've polished it up pretty well. But because of my tough early environmental circumstances, I learned to overcome. I've always written here that I wouldn't necessarily try to mimic my personal drive, competitive nature, or training habits ... but I don't think it's too much to ask to never give up. At times I look around and think we're all simply broken hearted little boys and girls. We all have a story, some happy ... some sad. But I'm a firm believer that what you choose to do with that adversity defines your character, and can take you a long way toward happiness. I had some tough early years, but my faith, belief in myself, determination, and relentless drive have helped make me, me. At times I'm a really good me. But there are still some rough edges that I'm trying to smooth out. And there's still pain from a broken heart that unfortunately reveals itself on my worst days. But I never want to wallow in it or use it as an excuse. I simply want to get up everyday, face what it brings, and to do everything in my power to have strongest broken heart.... be great today!

Jim - you are not alone and there are others out there who struggle with many of the same thoughts and attitudes.

I personally do not have a lot of patience or sympathy for those who choose to simply lay there and give-up (even if a hand is extended to help them up), because life has dealt them a shitty hand - I know that damage can go deep, but you can still make the choice to wallow in self-pity or suck it up, move forward and do what you need to do for yourself.

Perhaps I see things as too black and white sometimes too. Keep writing and being an example for to do what can be done.

Harold - interesting what you said about black & white, that's one thing my wife and I "discuss" a lot, I think there's a definitive right/wrong, black/white most of the time instead of trying to see both sides, I definitely need to work on that

I really appreciate you taking the time to share your story, I can imagine how hard that must have been to put it out there on the internet. Personally, I did not read yesterday's post as being uncaring at all. In fact, just the opposite: when you care about other people, you want the best for them, which means not making excuses!!

Ya know, it's not really that hard to share the story Pahla, I've spent a lot of years dealing with and it's something in my past, it was just different because I usually NEVER publish stuff like this - my wife was really surprised

Thank you so much for sharing your story!and now it makes more sense why you choose to end all your post with "be great today".

I agree with Harolds comment--yes sometimes life hands us some hard times,but we all have a choice to either wallow or rise above the situation. whats that saying? life is 10% about what happens to you,but 90% how you react to it....

Dear Jim, I can not tell you how much I got moved by your response. And not just by this post about your childhood, but also by your attitude to my anonymous comment that you could easily take in a very negative way. But you didn't. And this is indeed your greatness.Clearly, I am speechless regarding your life story. Yes, there are many people who go through even more horror as children or adults, but does not make it easier on you, and nobody should experience what you did. And you did play amazingly with the cards that life gave you, you can be very very proud of yourself. I must say, my life story is much much nicer, but I did not manage to recuperate well from my battles. And I always have to lough bitterly to the cliché sayings like "what doesn't kill you make you stronger"... - so not true for me, I learned that a damaged heart can heal, however the scars don't make it stronger, but weaker and weaker and weaker. You are one of the few who got stronger, you are one of the heroes, really. I am so happy for you, and you are my inspiration. Hugs, many <3

I think when someone writes something contrary to our opinion, our immediate reaction as humans is one of resistance, but I've learned over the years that the person wrote it for a reason. And many times they're right. I really appreciate your insight. Every once in a while we need to take a step back and reevaluate things. I hate it that I come across as uncaring, because most of the people who know me personally know that I'm a very caring person - but unfortunately I don't communicate that well at time. Please don't allow your scars to continue to make you weaker. Something I really had to learn is that if we allow the heart break to control us forever, then that person or situation has control over us forever. I know it's easier said than done, but I hope you find peace with the situation that you might have/or are going through. Thanks again, and have a great weekend.

I grew up in a "Leave it to Beaver" household but learned a few things from adopting foster kids with a VERY rough past:1. We all have a past, it takes a very strong person to "go public" 2. "Going public" will often expose true friends and supporters as well as inspire others to be great.3. We try to teach our kids the same lesson you learned: the past is not an excuse, it is something to learn from and leverage for future strength.

My wife and I were just talking about #2, tonight. I think that often we're afraid to confront our past because we feel that those people or situations still have control over us. Making things public is very liberating, but it's tough to do.

I learned a long time ago that you never know what someone else is going through or has gone through. We all have our flaws, many of us with far less "excuse" than the ones you rose above. But you're not just a strong, driven person, you're also able to reflect thoughtfully on criticism, and that's pretty huge.

Jim,It's funny that you should criticize yourself for being cold, arrogant, judgmental, etc., because you are one of my favorite bloggers precisely because you come across as so humble and accepting. For example, a while back you posted about how certain accomplished runners judge slower runners and how wrong that is. You said something like "they don't own running," which I've since adopted as my mantra. Whenever I'm beating myself up for being too slow and worrying about what other "real" runners might think of me, I think of that line and gives me strength! Your story was beautiful and moving. Thanks for posting.

Thank you for the kind words Theresa, like a lot of us, I feel like I'm split down the middle. I think my blog posts typically get the "Sunshine & Light" Jim, ha. Michael and I talk about this all the time - please don't ever feel bad because you're not as fast as someone else. That's what I love about running, it's for all of us ... at least I think so.

Thank you for sharing. Your response to the anonymous would be the same as my husband. He had a bad childhood, horrible parents. He really lacks empathy for people but I always try to turn it around and then he realizes it won't pass with me. It got to the point where last year I told him, "Your parents ruined your childhood, don't let them ruin your adulthood." He was just dwelling on his crap childhood and using it as his excuse to not be great.

The thing about your post is that your recognize things about yourself and can own up to it. Others can't do that.

Interesting timing on this with something going on in my life... similar childhood story to you and still after 45 years I try to hang on to a parent who does nothing but bring me down when everyone says I need to walk away. It is easy to assume that everyone's life has been so much easier than yours. I know I do it all the time - no one could possibly have an upbringing as messed up as mine - but that is not true. It could have been plenty worse. Thanks for the reminder. Like babyweight said, you can choose to let your crappy childhood define your adulthood and move on and let it go and be better in spite of it. Hmm... free therapy via blogging. Thanks for sharing. And I am kind of interested in what Mr FluffyWhiskers is doing BTW. :)

I think you're right Karen, blogging is pretty therapeutic at times. We don't have a cat, just Jack the dog ... but I would totally name a kitty Mr FluffyWhiskers just to annoy people. Have a great weekend!

That's a tough childhood and a lot of sorrow to live with. But it doesn't make you cold - you are a genuinely warm person. I'm impressed you've used your difficulties as challenges and incentives, not excuses. And you know what? I can tell from how you post about your family that you didn't allow your past to shape your nuclear family dynamic. Your care for your children is obvious, and it's hard to overcome a lifetime of bad example, so good for you.

I'm glad that comes through Grace. I'm not without blame or walked a perfect life - far from it. But I do everything I can to be a good father, and I know without a doubt, my children adore me. And that's all that matters.

You're so right - how we cope with adversity is such a strong indicator of our character. You'[ve had to deal with so much but haven't let it beat you . Instead you've become the father and grandfather that I think you would have wanted for yourself. That's true character.

We have more in common than just running! I hope your post makes it to someone who needs to know, it is not how many times you fall, it is how many times you get up that matters in life! And I hope you and Michael continue to build a beautiful life together to share with your children, and change the course of the past in their lives - so they too can do the same with their families. God bless!

Wow. That is really rough. I think I've called you the most competitive person I've ever heard of, and now I understand why. (even as recently as last week in a comment on Michael's blog) If Runner's World reads this post, wouldn't surprise me if they contact you for a story in the magazine.

You are right that we don't know each other well through our blogs and choose to keep many things private. I do think adversity in early years can make you stronger as an adult (or not) and it obviously did you. You rose above a lot of stuff. I worry about a lot of the students I teach and I hope they too can get past what their lives are.

50 After 40

Hi ... Thanks for checking out my journal & notes on running 50 marathons in 50 states after the age of 40.
Running has added so much to my life, and hopefully some of my experiences will help your running in some way or maybe just provide a little encouragement! ... Be Great Today!