Thursday, June 12, 2014

I know, I know... its been a while yet again. I don't know what's going on. I have time, I think I'm just lazy.

I've realized that I'm a completely different person in my dreams than I am in real life. In my dreams I'm a leader, I'm determined, I'm a fighter. Rarely do I ever end up in any kind of danger or uncomfortable situation. Only a few times have I woken up scared out of my wits and that's usually when I dream of ghosts. I've woken up mad at hubby for things he's done in my dreams, but other than that, I wish I could be the person I dream myself to be. Last night's dream, I was in control, I was directing people, I was the leader in a group, I had great ideas, I had plans. I'm finding it more and more difficult to wake up in the mornings because I just want to keep being this person. I hit the snooze button 5 times this morning. Yesterday, I texted my boss and told her I'd be an hour late... I just wanted to keep dreaming.

I've read a few articles lately about excepting your body and positive body image. I'm trying so hard to except my looks, but its hard sometimes. So here I am, this overweight short girl with feet so wide I can't wear fancy shoes, stretch marks all over my body, acne of a teenager which is rarely on my face, but everywhere else.... but I do like the look of my feet, and I know my stretch marks are from my kids, and I love my smile, my eyes and my hair. I know I'll never get back to the high school me, but I've got to find a way to love the current me or at least do something to change what I don't like. I don't run anymore. I got lazy. I've gained all my weight back. I'm back in my bigger pants.

How can I take the person I am, inside and out, and turn it into the person I want to be? I want to be a leader. I want to take control. I want to be able to run without running out of breath only one minute in.

I'll be 28 tomorrow. One year closer to 30. One year closer to 50. One year closer to retirement. Instead of moping around, I should be celebrating. My birthday is actually on Friday the 13th this year, its the same as when I was born. This year, there will be a full moon that day too. Last night, I burnt my fingers and my brother told me that my luck will get worse as it gets closer to my birthday. It should be getting better though, right? Since I was born on Friday the 13th, shouldn't that be a lucky day for me?

Tomorrow is also Lilly's first all star game. I hope all goes well. During practice coach had her at third base and short stop, but during the scrimmage, he had her in the outfield. Looking at who our competition is, it looks like we will win the championship.

Well... we bought a camper. Hubby got the one he wanted, but I didn't put up much of a fight for it. Now we just have to use it soon.

It seems like everyone in the office is finding different jobs. In the little room that I'm in, 3 people have left since April and one is putting in her 2 weeks on Monday. I want to go, but I find anything. My fingers stay crossed though.