Welcome back to Midweek Madness, your foray into the dangerous wilderness of the celebrity tabloids. Every week, Callie Beusman heads to the newsstand for the new issues of In Touch, Ok!, Life & Style, Star and Us, and together we forage for "news." This week: Justin Theroux is pulling old bedpans out of the trash to Jennifer Aniston's dismay; Suri Cruise is on her way to winning an Oscar; we learn how to do make up that looks like an Instagram filter; and "doughy" Channing Tatum has gone from "beefcake" to "beefy." Get your hatchet ready, we're going in.

Ok!

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"WEDDING & A BABY!"

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are going to get married and have a baby... some time in the distant future... probably? As of now, there is no wedding, and there is no baby. According to OK!, though, the couple has "even toyed with the idea of Stonehenge!" for a wedding location. Just like our pagan forebearers always hoped. In other news, Khloe Kardashian and The Game are very compatible. The magazine can't even muster the effort to make up that they're secretly dating, which is disappointing. Moving on: Kevin Jonas and his wife Danielle are "totally psyched" about giving birth to a baby next month. Kevin Jonas says he will change diapers. Danielle utters, "Wow!" while reflecting upon the fact that this will be the first Jonas Sister in a while. Next: Suri Cruise is a film prodigy. Suri, who has always been precocious (via being born with a full head of hair) has been directing little shorts and shooting them on an iPad; most of them are "about the historical statues in downtown Toledo," says an insider. She is also working on one as a Christmas present for Tom Cruise. Good for you, Suri Cruise!

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GRADE: F (falling off a cliff)

Star

"$135 MILLION DIVORCE"

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Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, who are currently touring together in a show titled "Soul2Soul," are secretly feuding a lot, according to reports. According to a source, Faith is jealous of everyone because Tim "has long had a reputation as a hellraising cowboy with a wandering eye" (HA), and Tim is jealous because Faith is friends with Kevin Costner. From there we can extrapolate a $135 million divorce, even though the mag insists that they have money troubles. Okay, sure. In other news, Justin Theroux is obsessed with dumpster diving and it's ruining Jennifer Aniston's life. He recently scavenged a Darth Vader helmet and a "rusted bedpan to use as a platter" (which is unbelievable simply on the grounds that no one owns a rusted bedpan in the first place) and Jen is very embarrassed about it. Good news, though: they have compromised and now go to thrift stores in place of large plastic garbage receptacles. Hooray. Elsewhere in the mag, Star is going to go ahead and say that Bruce Jenner is getting gender reassignment surgery because why not. The story ends with an inspiring Bruce Jenner quote, as is only fitting. Finally, the magazine has done something actually good: a "Who Wore It Better" between celebrities and Christmas trees. Very well done. Petition to replace all of Star's content with pictures of holiday decorations. (Fig. 1)

GRADE: F (being buried by an avalanche)

In Touch

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"2 KARDASHIAN RELATIONSHIPS OVER!"

Kourtney Kardashian, like all of us at one point in our lives, has been HUMILIATED BY SCOTT! He did not attend either of his child Mason's birthday parties, and he was spotted "getting cozy with a sexy brunette" and "showering [nightclub] patrons with booze and dollar bills." Quoth an insider: "I don't know why the Kardashian girls can't seem to keep a man. They're beautiful and have more money than God, but they just can't find happiness." Okay, whatever, insider. On a related note, Khloe Kardashian, who just divorced her husband Lamar Odom, has a "new man" already because she was spotted going to the same gym as Matt Kemp, who plays a sport or something. Elsewhere in the Kardashian klan, Bruce Jenner is getting his Adam's apple flattened but it's not in preparation for a sex change operation — it's because, as he puts it, he never liked his trachea.InTouch posits that being surrounded by vain women had made Bruce obsessed with being pretty and also lip gloss (Fig 2). Moving on: the mag has printed a 2-page spread about how Channing Tatum is fat now that he's a dad. (Fig 3) "Oh, daddy! Diaper duty has cut into Channing Tatum's gym time," crows the headline gleefully. Uuuuugggggghhh. In less horrible content, Harry Styles and Kendall Jenner are totally obsessed with each other and talk "30 times a day." Cool, cool.

GRADE: F (drowning in a bog)

Life & Style

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"MY DIET IS BETTER THAN LIPO!"

If this cover seems vaguely familiar, it's because earlier this month, Miranda Lambert was on a cover that screamed "My Diet Is Better Than Gastric Bypass!" In this story, there are zero quotes from Christina Aguilera, but an insider says she "didn't get lipo." Instead she stopped eating fast food, cut back on booze, started doing portion-control and got into de-stressing yoga workouts. There's a seven day menu if you want to "steal" her diet. Snooze! Moving on. In a short thing called Channing Tatum Packs On The Pounds," the mag asks, "where'd his stripper abs go?" Guys guys guys. Leave Channing alone. (Fig. 4) Next, Kourtney Kardashian and Scott "American Psycho" Disick are leading separate lives. Heard that one before. Do better, L&S. In Amanda Bynes news, she's doing well in an outpatient program but a therapist who does not treat the star offers this: "she shouldn't be allowed anywhere crazy like a heavy metal or hip-hop concert." Anywhere crazy. Actual quote. From a therapist. What else? Kendall Jenner and Harry Styles "talk 30 times a day," and she flew to London for a day just to see him. Rich teens in love, spending more than your rent on trips, how adorable. Beyoncé's lost 15 lbs. on her vegan diet, according to an "insider," and her thighs, "which she considers a problem area, are thinner and more toned." Yeah, no, let's not. Let's not even get into spot reduction and the Queen's legs. Last, but not least, this mag should be renamed Nit-Picking Weekly, since they've blown up photos of Christina Applegate and compared her 2004 face to her 2013 face, claiming she's had "classy" tweaks. Apparently that is supposed to serve as a compliment, despite the fact that putting a woman's physical appearance under a microscope and analyzing her facial features for sport is just sick. (Fig. 5)

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GRADE: D- (deserted in a desert)

Us

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"THE LAST STRAW"

Why did Khloe Kardashian finally file for divorce? Because that icky video in which Lamar Odom was rapping about cheating on her while she's out of town popped up on TMZ. That'll do it! Khloe is looking forward to a new year with a fresh start, and she's been hanging out with Matt Kemp, who buys her gifts and tells her she's sexy, but "they're just friends" says a "pal." Anyway, Khloe is "bracing herself for a blue Christmas." Sigh. There's a sidebar detailing how the finances will be split: Lamar's career earnings are around $116 million and Khloe earned about $10 million last year. She's waived spousal support but will get $500k for every year they're been together (four) and she gets to keep the gifts, including her $850,000 engagement ring. Happy New Year. Also inside: Taye Diggs and Idina Menzel grew apart, partially because he's a flirt who loves to party and she doesn't like to go out. Charlize Theron was seen flirting with Sean Penn… can you see them together? Seems an odd match. Finally, this weird beauty spread had us laughing until our faces hurt: "Filter Yourself!" teaches you how to do Instagram filter-inspired makeup so that you look like Lo-Fi, Amaro or Toaster. There's no Hefe, though. where is Hefe? Hefe is the best. (Fig. 6)