March, 2011

Imagine my complete and utter surprise when I saw these poor Teddies imprisoned while awaiting their sale to the spoiled rotten children of Shanghai! I threw myself in front of the cage and tried to pry them free but to no avail…I’m afraid I had too much wine at dinner and didn’t really want to ruin my fingernail polish.

Shanghai Daily News reports that in Putuo District, 5 men, all under the age of 21, were recently sentenced from 8 months to 1 year for beating a taxi driver who refused to let their friend’s dog ride in the taxi. Apparently, a young woman and her golden retriever tried to enter a taxi. When the driver refused to let the dog ride, the girl called her boyfriend and he and his 4 friends beat the man, leaving him with fractured ribs and a bruised body. At the sentencing, the girl’s boyfriend said he got angry and beat the driver because he wouldn’t let his “son” ride in the taxi.

I found this sign at the Vet’s office…it’s good to know that at 8 weeks old these puppies aren’t vicious killers.

I read in the news today that China would like Japan to be more forthcoming with what’s going on at the nuclear sites. Hmmmm, can you say SARS? I don’t really want to bag on the inesechay overnmentgay (hoping they still can’t decode pig latin) because I think they are doing the best they can and this CANNOT be an easy place to run, let me tell you that right now.

Anyway, while you’re all celebrating St. Patrick’s day, drinking green beer and downing Jagermeister shots, which you promised last year you’d never do again, I’m dealing with Chinese customs. I ordered a wedding dress and had it Fed Ex’ed to me and customs is holding it until I can show proof that it’s for me and I’m not trying to sell or have it copied, otherwise they want A LOT of money to get it out. Imagine that. My sister had a good point though, if I was bringing it over here to copy I would have ordered a size 0 not a 6! Anyway, they probably took one look at my passport, saw the worst picture I’ve ever taken and then looked at my age and said, there’s no way this woman is getting married she must be trying to sell it. Whatever.

You’ve probably already read about this but it’s a story from China and it involves a dog.

Chinese “millionaire” buys rare Red Tibetan Matiff for $1.5m

This is Hong Dong and he’s the world’s most expensive dog. He’s also going to weigh over 200lbs, and I’m just glad I’m not the one who has to pick up after him. In an interview from the Daily Mail,

“It is believed he will use the dog for stud purposes but his new companion will also give him a certain amount of cachet among his friends. Tibetan mastiffs have become a status symbol for China’s wealthy.

Tasmanian dog breeder Kathryn Hay says that, in China, owning one of the dogs is “the ultimate symbol that you’ve made it”. She has visited some of their most prestigious dog breeders and seen prices ranging from $50,000 to $870,000.”

Using a dog to diplay wealth is just gross, can’t everyone just stick to inanimate objects?? Cars, diamonds, houses???

I love avocados. I love them so much that if I meet someone and they’re like, “I don’t like avocado, it’s a texture thing, I guess”, it’s really hard for me to like them. For some reason I have forgiveness for those who don’t like olives but the avocado thing runs very deep. So imagine my anger and disappointment when I bought three hard avocados (for what seemed like a million dollars at City Shop), put them in a dark place to ripen, only to find them bruised, still somewhat hard and horrible tasting. Because I sometimes don’t learn things right away, I did the same thing again at another store and the SAME THING HAPPENED. I’m not asking for home-made guacamole here people, I just wanted to put a few squares in a salad. There’s always the “avocado lady” on Wulumuqi Lu but I don’t always have the time or determination to get over there, okay??

I’m just trying to be light-hearted for a moment because like you, I have been glued to the news watching the devastation of an earthquake, tsunami and nuclear radiation just hammer the people of Japan. My god. I don’t know what else to say except…prayers. And find a place where you can donate money or time because they badly need it.

Svetlana has found herself yet again attending the Ladies of Britain Expat Club’s, Tuesday night drink fest at Yesterdays Pub. “How zey can eat dis bad food without washing first down wiz vodka?!!”, she wondered to herself, “and dis champagne give me headhurting”. Spotting Trinny by the front door, Svetlana rushes over, “Trinny, I must go now, too much bubbly”. “Oh that’s too bad darling, we’re just getting started. We’re planning on heading over to Glamour Bar to give those Shanghainese girls a run for their money on the dance floor! Dear, before I forget we’re organizing a trip to the fur market next week for our pillow-making class. Everyone’s doing Fur pillows this winter”. As she’s heading out the door Svetlana yells goodbye and answers, “I already have polar bear pillows from Siberian market, and I don’t like sew, zanks”.

Trinny heads over to join Jen and Pipi, “that Svetlana is a dear but did you see those shoes?! She must be shopping at Yu Gardens again!?”. “Yes, I truly like her as well but she’s a whopping clod in our Yogalatis class, my lord”, adds Pipi while gulping down her Black and Tan like it was St. Patrick’s day. Jen, feeling left out as usual, nurses her annoyance with another Gin Twist. “Fu wu yuan, FU WU YUAN! Oh why did they pick the hardest word for waitress! It’s so annoying!”. “Honestly darling, what has gotten your knickers in a knot these days??”, Trinny chimes in trying to break the tension. “em, well, I told Carlton I was thinking of heading back to Cornwall for a week because I wanted to discuss a facelift with a good doctor there and he said without a second to waste, ‘Go ahead dear, that’s fine with me’…now why would he say that??”. Not one to hold things back Pipi adds, “well he’s either being extremely supportive love, or he’s got his eye on that nanny you just hired, hehehe!”.

Stayed tuned for the next episode where Jen follows Xie Li down Huai Hai LU where she stops at a lingerie store.

I’m sorry, I couldn’t help that. If you don’t know what I mean by this then be very happy about that and don’t turn on your TV to anything having to do with American news. Because that’s just what I did when it rained all day, every single minute of the day and some of the day before that and I opened my computer and got inundated by the tiger blood drinking, goddess loving, gnarly poetic ranting, warlockian mess that is Charlie Sheen…and this was AFTER watching Black Swan. I have stared into the face of a psychotic episode so I knows one when I sees one and it’s NOT for public consumption..

Thank goodness when I woke up the next morning it was bright and sunny…so I grabbed the kids (the 4-legged kind) and went straight to the park to clear my head of the goblins.

Still fuming from the argument over her yoga membership, Trinny was fit to be tied by the time she met up with Svetlana and Jen for lunch at the Bund. “I’ll have a vodka martini with olives” she chirped, “no, no, no, I said, V.O.D.K.A M.A.R.T.I.N.I, (in a whisper) I don’t understand why they still don’t know what that is??!!

“You’re in a mood” quipped Jen, “is this about your Ayi quitting on you?”. “Worse! The handle just broke off my new Louis Vuitton handbag I bought at the fake market, these things aren’t cheap you know!”. “Dis happen to my fake Chanel bag too, I scream at them til they give me new one”. “Oh, Svetlana that’s just horrible, you know, I think a little trip to Bali is in order. We can do a detox! Well, I mean detox until 6pm when of course it’s time for our first glass of wine!!”

Stayed tuned for Episode 2 when Jen finds out she wasn’t invited to the language exchange at Coffee Bean.

Natalie and I used to fantasize about what a great addition to the “Real Housewives” a Shanghai version would be. The things you deal with everyday are just different here and you can’t really explain it. But then I think about the poor camera crew trying to follow people around and tripping on exposed wires, falling in an open manhole and for sure getting mowed down by a scooter carrying 1,000 lbs of water, 4 couches or 20 tanks of flammable gas and it’s just too crazy to think about.

Anyway, in my “real world of Shanghai” my dear, sweet fiance (I pronounce it fee on chay because it sounds more Italian) makes me the best cappuccino’s ever and I never know what foam art I’m going to get.

Well, it ain’t exactly the stylish tale of women drinking cosmos and pummeling the streets of the big apple but…

The mistresses of China have been gathering steam, so to speak, promoting their cause so that the people of the PRC will finally acknowledge that they have rights too!!! The website and online forum www.xeixe.com (which has just been “removed” from the internet as of yesterday) was formed and operated by “China’s Association for Mistresses”. Here, they could share ideas, experiences and air their briefs, I mean beefs, on the challenges of being financially supported by married men. The topics most discussed focused on shopping, how much money they receive monthly, gifts, breast enhancement and even offering tips on how to be “witty” and “sexy”. It’s even been reported that 1/3 of China’s consumption of luxury products goes to mistresses. Shanghai Daily reports, “Mistresses love luxury brands because they are living insecure lives and have to display that their men are dedicated to them, while men purchase expensive gifts to demonstrate their affection”.

Well it’s a good thing the Chinese are keeping sales up at those luxury houses, because the expat women love buying the fake stuff. Go figure.

On a different note, if you were ever wondering why Paris Hilton sometimes has cleavage, this Chinese commercial has the answer!