Tight Leather Trousers & Sex with Walls or; Science is a Mans Game.

Today, as I was skateboarding around town, I realised something. Twenty-six years of age isn’t too old to be skateboarding as some people might think but it is, however, too old to be shit at skateboarding and that kinda sucks balls. Because I’m shit at it.

I use to be pretty good at it. Flatland was my bag and my bag was always full, but you have this thing when you’re older that you don’t have as a kid. It’s called “fear” or something. I forget. It’s when you know something might fuck you up and I can’t really afford to fuck my face up anymore than it already is but I’m cool as fuck and part of being cool as fuck is smoking fags, drinking gin, skateboarding and wearing leather trousers. Tight leather trousers. The tighter the trousers the cooler the dude. That’s the rule. It’s science. You wouldn’t understand.

Science though! I do love me a bit of science. Real science though. Not like what I just said then about the leather trousers. That wasn’t real science, no-no, that was a “joke”. I like jokes. A joke is basically a lie you can get away with. If anyone ever has a go at you for lying, maybe you stole their last slice of bread for toast, forgot to invite them to a pub, or accidentally shat on their cistern while drunk on absinthe thinking it was a police car bonnet and you’ve been caught out lying about it just say “I wasn’t lying… I was joking!” you get away with it 22% of the time. And I like those odds. I should also point out now I’ve never been very good at gambling but that’s neither here-nor-there. Or is it here and there? I forget. I’m tired. I’m also pretty sweaty from the skateboarding and according to a recent survey I’m at my sexiest when I’ve got my sweat on. Apart from the hangover sweats. Then not so. Or at least that’s what the survey said. I think that might be down to shaking like a shitting dog. I don;t think anyone who shakes like a shitting dog can be sexy. Unless you’re a dog with a shit fetish. Which I am not, despite what the rumors might say. Speaking of rumors…

I remember going into school once when I was a kid and found out there was a rumor going around about me that the night before these three girls offered me a blowjob down this lane but the only way I could get an erection was to start bumming a wall. I don’t know what’s weirder, the fact someone started such an absurd rumor or the fact so many people believed it. Bumming a wall. Honestly!