Since you're on the internet and found this, I am guessing you are in a similar place as my friend(s) and I are. Things are not quite the way you wanted them yet and you're bored.
So here is a place you can go to find things to make life a little better. Nerdy things and rants about things you want to rant about and so on. So join me and read this and comment. I also try and reply to you as much as possible! follow us on Twitter @andimatrainwrec and tumblr aaanndimatrainweck.tumblr.com

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Employment Oppurtunity for Richard Ayoade

"You see why I have Richard on my team? Because he ends punchlines with "naval policy" -Noel Fielding via Big Fat Quiz 2010
Richards response to this quote (started typing 'quote' and accidentally wrote 'quest'...wonder what that says about me? We'll discuss that later.) Richard's Response: "Welcome to the Niche Corner."

Really those lines should be enough to prove my point: Richard Ayoade should follow me around and handle all my interactions with people, mainly arguments. That my friends is what this post is all about. I need someone to handle my arguments and that someone must be Richard Ayoade. Don't get me wrong, I am quite witty (and modest) but sometimes in a crunch, I have nothing and the nonsense that Richard can come up with would save me every time.

Here are some examples of some of his best lines:
NVM: "So basically what you're asking me to do is not have my face."
"Lady Gaga 'Bad Romance.' Or Bard Romance, a song about Shakespeare."
"Let's not stoop to jokes."
"I need 5 minutes to shower my mind."
BFQ 00s: "Can you legally make yourself a cake."
BFQ: "I'm a nerd leave me be."
"Why don't we call ourselves the specky nerdy fucknuts and be done with it."
BFQ '12: “That it is a cake, is their first line of inquiry. 'Is it a cake?' They ask. 'Cause if it’s not, get out!' Can it be held? Cause if it can’t…I can’t eat it. I need to be able to hold this cake. And the last one is just integrity Do you have integrity?”
"He said, "I betrayed everyone I care about." -Response to what Felix Baumgartner's last words before falling to earth.
"That they sanctify the water, and he's agnostic. It's not like he's completely uncomfortable with it, but he just doesn't want it forced on him." -Response to what did Michael Phelps admitted to about the olympic swimming pools.
8O10C: "I find the best way is to lie to yourself about who you are, and what you've done, and where you're going." Response to how to boost your self-esteem

Dear Richard,

Seriously, how amazing would it be if you were at home and your mother or whichever parent annoys you the most starts yelling at you about cleaning your room or going to bed and he appears? You're 22 years old. Obviously, you can take care of yourself. But no matter what you say to your parent, it's always like talking to a brick wall. But then suddenly Richard appears like a super hero (maybe even in a cape. That would be cool. He wouldn't wear a cape. It's going to be hard enough to get him to hide at wherever I am and then suddenly appear when needed. Nevermind, no cape. I'll let him choose his own work attire.)

So he appears and begins responding to your whichever parent's words with utter craziness like "I don't think she should clean her room. Learning how to throw live wasps is a much better use of her time." or "No, she can't go to bed. The nightmares about goat's in trees will consume her." and so on. What can anyone say to those things? They are just crazy but amazing! I am not saying that I can't come up with insane things but I can't on the spot. I am just not great under pressure. But I could have Richard there and he could save me every time.

He can always keep a straight. Which is something that will also help win every argument. He says these crazy things, and then just acts as if he just offered a piece of toast. Look at this face here:

That is the face he makes every time. How could you not believe that face? He is dead serious right there. He could have just said everyone on polling day was bitten by a horse (Big Fat Quiz), but he stares you down with seriousness and then you feel you have to just go with it. You know he will not back down.

Keeping a straight face is also something I just lose at every time. I try so hard, but I cannot help but laugh every time. I have to say the line over and over before I find it not funny anymore. (What? I just love to laugh) That is not helpful in real life situations though. In real life, everything is a reaction, and you never know what might come out of your mouth. Most likely, it is the first time you say to a guy handing you a gym membership deal, "Oh you think I am active." If you say that all the time, you live in a very odd place. After I say odd things like that, I do one of two things; one: cringe and apologize or two: giggle and apologize. Richard though would appear again, say his most mastered nonsense, and then just stare at them like they are the crazy ones. No one would ever question him. They would just leave me alone and move on with their day.

He would win every argument with those two things. You can't argue with crazy because logic no longer exists. He knows this and uses his skills masterfully. So Richard if you would like this job, let me know. The only benefits are getting to hang out with me and my friend(s) and speaking in only odd statements.

However, if you do not wish for this position also let me know. I will need to write Misha Collins. He is next on my list for this job.