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Friday, January 7, 2011

Debating About Going Back to Work

My daughter is 7 months old today. For 6 full months, I have been a stay-at-home mom. This new career of mine has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride. I have literally loved and hated it, but the hate generally coincided with terrible bouts of postpartum struggles.

Somewhere around the 4th month, I began to think my postpartum anger and emotional outbursts were never going to leave. However, in the 6th month, I started to feel like myself again. Perhaps this is because we visited family across the country for the first time since before the baby was born. Perhaps it is because my hormones are finally leveling out. I don't know. I do know, however, that I am ready to jump into something again. I say "something" because I'm not sure what "something" is. I want to go back to work; I want to pursue my master's degree; I want to continue staying home with the baby; I want to challenge myself again.

The easiest place to start would be to go back to work. I am a high school English teacher and have a position available to me. I miss the students, and I miss feeling productive. I'm not saying being a stay-at-home mother isn't a worthwhile job. I have so much respect for SAHMs. It's difficult. I love the baby aspect of it all. I love the time I spend with my little one and the fact that I don't miss a single movement or sound. Being stuck in this house day in and day out is where I am struggling. If we lived closer to family and friends, it would be easier. We're stuck in the middle of nowhere, far away from our loved ones... far away from my sanity. Soo... I kind of want to get back into the grind of teaching, but I feel as though the cons outweigh the pros....

Let me sort this out....

Pros:

Seeing my students and teaching each day

Paycheck

Accomplishing set goals

Interacting with colleagues

Having to dress professionally

Running around like a mad woman

Problem solving

Cons:

Being away from Emma

Worrying about Emma ALL day

Knowing that someone else will be responsible for catering to my daughter like only I know how

NO BABYSITTER (counts 10 times because this will be impossible unless we find someone I completely trust)

I can't fit into any of my old work clothes and can't really afford to buy new ones.

Emma sleeps until 7 or 8am and goes to bed by 6:30pm. I would only have about 2-3 (awake) hours with her each day.

Interacting with colleagues (falls into both categories)

All of the work I would have to do outside of the school day

Conclusion: The majority of my "cons" could be lumped into the first point on the list. I would have to be away from Emma. Ugh.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. If we could find a great babysitter, maybe this wouldn't be such a difficult decision.

I am struggling with this too. I am probably going to go back to good 'ol pondo and work night and weekend shifts to bring in an income. I am lucky in the fact that I can have my mom watch Chace while I work and I won't have to worry(too much) about what happens while I'm not there. I kept thinking that I can work a normal 9-5 job but I am having a hard time imagining a stranger watching Chace. It is a hard decision but you just need to do what is right for you! Emma won't be mad at you if you work on not, she loves you no matter what. Make you happy!

‎"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." -Groucho Marx