The Real Reasons You Need a Gay Best Friend

No we won't "introduce you to our hot girlfriends." We wanna get stoned and eat tacos.

I'm not sure that every straight man needs a gay best friend—as the Huffington Post says—but it happens, mainly because people meet each other and decide they don't suck and become friends. I love my straight homies and articles like this one make my brain puke. I've made some slight point-by-point revisions to Mr. Sangha's truly weird contribution to gaysplaining history.

1. No, I cannot introduce you to tons of nice single ladies. Have you ever been to my house for RuPaul's Drag Race? Do you see any single ladies here? All of my favorite girls are long attached and keeping one eye on a toddler while we're pounding Prosecco so we don't even have to cover that boyfriend shit. Do us a favor: Meet your own girls, bring them to us, we'll report back to you the next morning with a list of concerns and observations.

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2. No, I will not become your wife or girlfriend's best friend, because—what? Why would I ever do that? So you can lock up the vault and I get drafted to help with hors d'oeuvres every time you two throw a party? NOPE. Look, I'm sure she's great because I never would have let it get this far otherwise, and we're gonna get down to talking about some Channing Tatum or our secret mutual "thing" for Will Sasso or whatever while you're watching something dumb, but I'm not trying to jeopardize our bro-down capabilities. What, indeed, are you talking about Willis?

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3. It's true, you can open up and cry with me, your gay best friend. You definitely don't have to come over and cry, but you can. Real talk: I'm probably just going to roll you a joint and put on House of Cards or something.

4. I actually cannot help you with your wardrobe, straight best friend. I can't effectively zhoosh your Adidas track pants with the gyro stain into something forward, and I'm not going to Target with you for "new khakis" on my day off. Just not gonna happen. Plus you just said "khakis." Dressing you properly? Why don't we just try parkour while we're at it? Chances are, if we're hanging out, I don't give a shit what you're wearing, and chances are higher that's because you've been wearing what you're wearing since we met.

5. I can make a great fitness buddy if you don't suck at going to the gym. This is one of those ones where being gay has absolutely nothing to do with anything because gay does not equal gym. WHO WROTE THIS?! Does this person even squat?

6. I will be there if you ever need a hug because hugging is apparently the universal gay greeting. Unless you're actually gay, that is, in which case the universal greeting is that thing from RuPaul's Drag Race: Untucked where you stick your tongue out to draw the straw of your cocktail in before taking a really slow, judgmental sip and you just stare daggers until the other girl quits. Oh, but wait, you needed a hug. C'mere big fella. There there. Therrrrre, there. OK we can sit up now.

7. Ego-boost, check. Self-confidence adjustments, sure. But dude, I cannot help you understand women, and I cannot help you overcome rejection, because that's not what rejection is for. Some of the best gay-straight friendships started as thwarted boner missions that found truer purpose. If you can glean one thing from gay dudes in general, it's that rejection can be a generative force. Think of it like bench pressing to failure or something equally butch. A punch in the face will alert you to how much punching your face can take. I'm not going to punch you. Should we hug again? I'm down. Plus, breaking news, but gays have not quite mastered the self-confidence thing quite yet. We can cover this more in depth when we have our cry.

8. Sure we can talk about sex and stuff. You're gonna have to hear about Bear Week though. I'm going to tell you all about it. Seriously, do your worst with your "crazy three-way." I so look forward to this. Spot on, item #8!

9. Slight amendment to this one: "You can [CALL A FEW HOURS IN ADVANCE AND ASK TO] crash at your gay best friend's place when the need [EMERGENCY/PERSONAL DANGER/SEXUAL AWAKENING] arises. [YOU WILL BRING TACOS.]

10. Yes, our friends are our family. Which means I get to stick my finger in your drink and swirl it around and forget a birthday of yours here and there and steal your weed. Frankly, I'm gonna be the best gay best friend you've ever had, because I have no idea what that could even possibly ultimately mean and I just want you not to be a dick and just be rad and let's hang out because I'm hungry.