Ban the bald

If we want to solve the problems of this country, we must pass a law banning bald people.

This suggestion will outrage the bleeding-heart liberals, of course, but every right-thinking person would surely support such legislation. After all, bald people create a sense of repulsion in all right-thinking people, and repulsion plus right-thinking are the bases on which legislation is drafted in Trinidad and Tobago. Just as there are laws against murder and rape and sour juice, so too should there be laws against skin where hair is supposed to be.

Now the liberal bleeding-hearts would argue that bald people do not choose to be bald. They will even cite scientific studies showing that baldness is hereditary and caused by genes or hormones or what-have-you. But have you ever seen a gene or a hormone? Of course not. The fact is, anyone with common sense can see that bald people choose to be bald.

After all, no one is born bald, and even the minority of babies who are born in this state invariably grow hair. This is why there are no bald children. Incontrovertible proof that baldness is chosen, rather than inherent, is shown by the fact that men almost always get bald in their 40s and 50s and even later, well after they have attained the age of reason and therefore know better. And the fact that many of these men shave their heads is irrefutable proof of perversity.

Even UWI academics in the Gender Studies department accept that baldness is socially constructed, although they argue that bald persons should have the same rights as people with hair because of their baldness to display their baldness to people with hair. There are toupees, wigs, hair implants, and even hats. And a law should be passed mandating bald persons to wear one or more of these devices. After all, baldness poses a public danger since the sun may reflect off a bald person’s pate when they’re walking on the street, perhaps dazzling a driver and causing a traffic accident. Thus, a law which banned bald persons from going out in public would help save lives and reduce car insurance premiums.

Baldness can also affect productivity. The fact is, most people with hair do not feel comfortable working with a bald person, especially one who flaunts their pate. Should the perverted values of a minority be allowed to dictate the discomfort of a majority?

Do we not live in a democracy, where the wishes of the majority should hold sway, except when it comes to not paying taxes, wanting free land, and getting fat? The discomfort felt in the workplace by haired employees would cause distractions, hence leading to more mistakes and lowered output per head (with hair).

Additionally, if baldness became fashionable, this would threaten jobs in the shampoo industry, including conditioner. Comb and hairbrush manufacturers would go out of business, and thousands of people would be thrown on the breadline. Small businesses would also be affected, as hairdressers would see their customer base eroded, while barbers would only have customers coming to get their pates shaved and polished.

So all right-thinking economists know that allowing baldness to flourish would reduce the nation’s GDP, hence creating more crime, poverty, and goat cheese. It is for this reason that a wise government would immediately pass a law banning baldness. And such legislation should also ban bald persons from having children. Not only would a child growing up with a bald parent come to believe that baldness is okay, but a bald parent is more likely to have children who will grow up to be bald, hence exacerbating the problems caused by bald people.

Indeed, if baldness became generally tolerated, it would lead to more and more people shaving their heads, until everyone became bald. People should bear in mind that God punished Samson for being bald by taking away all his strength, and the Biblical lesson here is that a nation which allows baldness can never have guacamole dip.

Of course, no one should hate bald people. They should only hate baldness. These laws are meant to protect the entire society, not just a small minority whose heads are not like the majority. Indeed, such laws will even protect bald people, by discouraging them from practising baldness, which can lead to cancer of the head.

As you can see, therefore, banning baldness would solve myriad social problems and lay the foundation for a nation founded upon sound moral principles, such as Brylcreem.