Letters I'll Never Send

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I wish I didn’t feel this anxious striving toward you, this impatience for a response that probably will not come, and would probably disappoint me even if it did. I’m not usually like this. I don’t know why I fell into this kind of thinking at this particular time, except maybe that when I’m with her, like I was most of the last year, it’s more or less like having someone, even though we’re not officially a couple anymore.

I guess it’s easier for someone like me to aim for the impossible and blame the impossibility for my failure than to go for something realistic and have to blame myself when it doesn’t work out. I have no chance at this stage in my life of finding someone. I’ve been okay with that until the last few days. Maybe it’s hormones. Whatever it is, the last thing I need is to love someone up close and personal and be rejected for real. Having nothing but love to give only works in schmaltzy songs. I’m not stupid, and I hate those songs.

Or maybe it’s you just because I see more of you in that weird distant way than I see of my own family or neighbors. You seem more real, more relevant somehow, than anyone I could actually touch. And that distance means I only see you at your perfectly put-together best. I’ll never see you blow your nose or throw up your dinner or do any of the other nasty things that real people do. Who wouldn’t fall in love with that?

In a day or two my hormones will change again and I’ll forget all this nonsense, but I’ll still be thinking kind thoughts of you and maybe even directing a prayer your way once in a while. The Goddess bless you and keep you, my friend. Thank you for giving me someone to look up to again.