Secret Tunnel Connects South Carolina To U.N.!

A highly secret tunnel was found yesterday that connects the
United Nations to a hitherto unknown UN sanctuary near Columbia, South Carolina.

The tunnel was discovered by a family that was enjoying a
picnic lunch in the suburb town of Irmo. Irmo is four miles northwest of Columbia and has
been suspected in the past of harboring U.N. fugitives. John Don Cooper and his family of
nine stumbled across the camouflaged opening while foraging for branches to be used for
their makeshift lean-to. Cooper said that his youngest son, Wayne Dwayne, crawled into the
opening and started hollering for his daddy.

"I heard him yell, Daddy! Daddy!', Cooper said.
"So I just followed his voice and the next thing you know, there we was inside this
man-made cave! I never seen nothing like it, except at Disney World when we went there two
years ago!"

The tunnel was located in the parking lot of the Irmo K-Mart.
Police spokesman Ralph Hightower told reporters that the opening had never been found
before because of the fact that "nobody ever goes to K-Mart anymore now that Wal-Mart
and Sam's Club have opened up", Hightower said. "It don't surprise me none
cause it's been years since my family went to K-Mart."

When the secret tunnel was found, Cooper immediately called
9-1-1 and the Irmo SWAT Team responded by storming K-Mart and the tunnel. The SWAT Team
met little resistance and the battle lasted about four hours. Although the U.N. was forced
out of Irmo, the tunnel branches out to many different, and still unknown, locations. The
SWAT Team sealed the tunnel at the town limits of Irmo. Hightower said, "Well, the
important thing is we got them out of our town. I don't think they'll be back cause
we kicked their butts real good."

Officials at the U.N. refused to comment on the confrontation.
They also denied knowledge of the tunnel.