My pain, my pride, these scars are mine.

1/31/11 10:10 pm

10/8/10 11:47 am

9/5/10 01:40 pm

im so upset right now...

i just dont understand any of this...

why... god... ive had to see you holding his hand... handing on him... you talk about missing that other guy so much... jesus... everything he says involves talking like a nigger... everything his friends say to him is about pot and drinking and other nonsense... how do you converse with people like that...? much less tell them you miss them...? when did you start doing that...? why...? i know that i reacted to this is a bad way... but how else could i possibly react...? how could you bottle up all your feelings for me...? but say things like that to such undeserving and dirty people...? how...? i feel like i dont even know you... why couldnt you be open with me...? why cant or couldnt you just tell me how you felt...? i have to see this hurtful confusing shit that devastates me inside... and never know whats real or not...

i hurt so bad right now... and i only want t confide in you... but i cant... i feel so alone... i dont know what to do... im so upset and theres nowhere i can go... nothing i can do... i need you so bad... i need you to take these thoughts and fears away... please...

9/3/10 10:57 pm

i don't know if you read this... even if you do, i'm sure you won't even have to until monday...

i won't message you this... yet... because i don't want to remind you of me while you're trying to have... fun... with... them...

but... if you do read this... i want to talk to you... at your discretion... for as briefly or as long as you want... about what you said the other night... about the negative things i said that affect you...

i tried to tell you that everything i said... everything... was nonsense... spawned by fear and anger... and every word of it was wrong... and i am more sorry than i can ever say...

i know that saying that can never undo you having heard it, and the pain it caused... but i want a chance to really talk to you about it... i want you to tell me how it made you feel... i want you to have the opportunity to vent your feelings to me... any way that you want to... scream at me... cry... hit me and tell me what an idiot i am... anything... just so you can let it all out... and i can try to understand... i need to know how it made you feel for my own piece of mind... i want to rebut each and every phrase that you recall, and that harmed you in any way... i want to know, aside from them, everything that i did wrong... i want to try and undo what harm i caused... i want to try and make it right... and apologize...

i think that this would be so much more beneficial than you taking it all on your own... or confiding it into people who don't know me at all... and will thus undoubtedly give you the worst advice...