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Sunday, January 8, 2012

5 Things to Do With An Unsexy Love Life That Won't Help At All

So you're getting older. You're like twenty-four now, right? College is behind you, the days of the swinging hips are over. You find yourself having these unsettling desires to stay in the same relationship for more than a week. The only problem now is that you have no idea what to do with it after that week. It's not that your significant other is unsexy, it's just that, well, you've already seen that sexy and you just can't handle seeing the same sexy once you've coaxed some anal out of it.

Or maybe you aren't totally shallow and you just happen to notice that: Hey, there's some fun shit the missus and I haven't tried yet! Let's give our lives a little adventure!

So if you're either one of those guys, here's a few things you probably don't want to try.

1. Sexy Ronald McDonald

If you still live like you're in a frat, or if you still are in a frat because you provide the dope and the freshman give you hope, you probably like your sex the same way you like your food: fast. So it only makes sense that maybe you'd want the best of both worlds, right? After all, food is good, sex is good, everything's all good.

Wherever you're going with this better not be wearing a bra.

Wrong! This is not good! This is the opposite of good! Of all the sex and food ideas in the world, this is pretty damn close to being the unsexiest and the unfoodliest. For starters, who the hell wants to lock lips with Ronald McDonald after a sex change? I'm not sure about you, but I seriously don't think "secret sauce" is the best start to a romantic evening.

I still don't see a problem. She looks kind of like Felicia Day...

No sir, no. You don't see the problem because this particular woman has been glorified by stage lighting and Photoshop. Even with these unnatural enhancements clearing away the acne, the fact that computers currently don't allow you to inhale the rankness of moldy buns, and the knowledge that "OH MY GOD IT'S A WOMAN", you still can't deny that her wig does not set right and her face is somewhat contorted into that evil scowl that you kind of know means that McDouble in her hand is actually made with the still beating heart of the last man who popped her tomato. Face it man, she is going to kill you.

What? You don't believe me? Tell me how your wife looks right now. She hasn't noticed you following weird porn fetish searches and accidentally stumbling onto this post full of hamburger goddesses, so she's probably smiling and watching Lifetime in the other room, right? You stick her in that yellow uniform, and I guarantee the next sandwich she makes will consist of "exhusband sausage."

Here's an angsty looking teen if you still don't believe me.

2. Sexy Lobster Costumes

Every Halloween you show up at an awesome party where most of the women are wearing bunny ears and leotards, a few others are sporting whiskers and a tail, and that one weirdo who doesn't realize that Halloween is solely for self-exploitation and decided to eat a pizza before arriving so her teeth would be yellow enough to match the rest of her zombie motif.

She just doesn't get it...

But amongst all the scantily clad animals appealing to the feral beast inside us all (but we're not furries, we swear) there's another who somehow didn't get it. Or maybe she did, and she just got it wrong. Either way, the one thing no guy ever, ever wants is a tugjob by Edward Scissorhands.

You're coming a little close to "No Fucking Way", Miss.

In a way this goes right back to food. Most guys see lobsters as food. Delicious, awesome, once-a-year, expensive seafood that I can't eat because I hate going to the emergency room. Attempting to lure in your guy, or any guy, with food is typically going to backfire, but sometimes it doesn't But just in case it does, this particular girl decided to try fishing for furries as well. Unfortunately, lobsters are just really fucking weird, and nobody wants to get their soft, squishy bits anywhere near one.

You don't have much of a calling as a Yoga instructor, either.
Maybe talk to the zombie girl? At least her costume looks like something.

3. Freaky Ass Anime Eyes

Some people really like anime, I get it. I'm one of them. Fullmetal Alchemist, One Piece, Chibi-Vampire, anime can be pretty cool shit. When it's a drawing. A bouncing, wet, glistening, covered-in-vanilla-ice-cream drawing, but still as a drawing.

This is not a drawing!

That is scary as all hell. I don't even think I need to describe how terrifying that is. I'm going to be having nightmares for a month. Goodbye, libido, because from now on all my mind is gonna see is a pair of static Powerpuff Girl eyes staring hungrily at my soul. I can accept furries, I can accept those weird guys who want to pork the exhaust pipe of their cars, and I can even accept that some people might want to eat a hamburger while doing the deed. I cannot accept the fact that anybody, anywhere, at any moment of their life regardless of the intentions and whereabouts of a bedroom would want to look into a pair of soulless black holes plastered to the center of their girlfriend's face.

Because holy shit.

4. Video Game Monster Cosplay

Despite the title, I'm going to focus this entire segment (that is, this paragraph and possibly one other) on a single picture I chanced upon last night while searching for an infamous character who has an affinity for eggs. You see, I was innocently wondering why this character hadn't gotten a chance to compete in the seventh Mario Kart Grandprix. Well, it turns out, that this is why:

Oh my mushrooms!

Whoever thought that wearing a Birdo face in a French maid outfit was a good idea was disturbed enough. But whoever had the bright idea to drape the whole thing in "nightmarish goth" is a seriously disturbed individual with a combination of fetishes the likes of which can only be rivaled by those weirdos who hide out in port-o-potties to catch a taste of scat.

I'm so glad I can delete this from hard drive now.

I'm not going to. It's so good at scaring people!

5. Sexy Food (Just Stop Being Edible!)

You've noticed by now that three of these items are food-related. That should tell you that, yes, there can be too much of a good thing. But I'm going to step on my tongue for a moment here and tell you that sometimes food can be used for alluring purposes.