Monthly Archives: May 2005

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

my head is aswim in lucid daydreams, of fleeting visions that flicker past each other into melded static snow from a dysfunctional midnight television glow. i had to dose myself with a doubleshot espresso to keep the eyes open and stew my brain in caffeine. the attention span of my fish is drowning in the pool of slumber.

isn’t it great how we can spike our bloodstream with sugar, alcohol, caffiene, nicotine – all sorts of chemical barbituates. everyone can pop a pill, light a stick, scratch n’ sniff and everything in between to satisfy the cravings and/or requirements for the waking moment. yet we all know it can only last for so long, before we get sucked into the grind once again once it wears off. it’s the tip of the iceberg for everyone’s insatiable desire to move just one last step higher. just. one. more. because the grass can always be greener than what you think you deserve.

quite the interesting weekend. between getting pretty faded, reeking of alcohol before your best friend’s family dinner, running out of gas on the freeway and valiantly pushing a 4×4 to a gas station that’s so close yet so far away, to collective weekend parallel snafus across friendships; i’m pooped, burnt but steady-bears as can be.

kath and dan are finally leaving for thailand, and i made the final relay of picking up their visa-ed passport. of course, that’s the reason i claim for missing my flight out to sanfo (i got the next one, no prob bob), instead of the real reason that i drove home grinding against rush hour long-weekend traffic to check if my package had arrived. which by good graces, it did. and i’ll be posting pics up hopefully soon.

winded down the weekend with pat and kat, who unveiled the mystery of the disappearing domes that sit on the foot of the golden gate. maybe one day we’ll catch it along the horizon! i took them to pakwan, on 16th and guerrero along the mission for indian food remeniscent of mr. kabob fare. the multitude of times i’ve been up around town with kathlyn has definitely changed the way i see this city. i wonder how it’ll be without her around.. :’c

the weekend in general, feels akin to meeting someone that you feel like you’ve already known. here’s to the next round of (mis)adventures! :)

food for thought, from my good friend dylan. one of the many reasons why we’re good friends.

last thought for now: ang beauty ng current society natin, di na tayo fascist or dictatorship or oppresive—- you can actually choose what and who you want to be– fuck parents fuck pressures — if gagawin mong excuse yan, or any other reason, it means you’re using that but actually takot ka lang to fail. convenient magkascapegoat. YOU CHOOSE WHO YOU ARE.

last thought for now: the beauty of our current society, is that we’re not fascist or a dictatorship or oppressive – you can actually choose what and who you want to be. f ck parents f ck pressures – if you’re going to make that an excuse, or any other reason, it means you’re using that [as an excuse] and you’re really just afraid of failure. it’s convenient to have a scapegoat. YOU CHOOSE WHO YOU ARE.

this always happens to me. i order a new toy in anticipation for the weekend, and it never arrives on time. i feel like a little kid pacing around the foot of a christmas tree, waiting for the gift that hasn’t come. and it’s quite possible that i’m victim of romanticizing the smallest shimmers that come my way outside of the hamster wheel.

can’t wait for the weekend. all i want to do is stretch out like a cat and take random pictures that don’t make sense.

i’ve been thinking of cutting my hair all the way, but i’m scared to look like i went through chemo. i need to do something crazy. there’s always that unsettling restlessness creeping out through the moments when i realize that i’m idle.

i need to start training for our batisado. there are three more things aside which i want to take a tad more seriously: music, photography, and the GMATs. surprisingly, the hamster wheel isn’t doing too bad. i just like to get neck deep into the moments because life is too short to half-ass the time into waste.

i always remember the jesuits. non multa, sed multum. not many, but much.

milk has its plethora of variants: 2%, non-fat, low-fat, skim, vitamin D, and the less popular series of chunky cheese found in the back of the fridge. seems like there’s one available for each personality type! anyway, i had an afternoon bowl of frosted flakes with a glop of knudsen lactose-free.

i’m normally not finicky when it comes to food. but for some reason, the flat consistency of lactose-free just doesn’t seem right in a bowl of corn flakes. there’s just something.. wrong. it’s like eating tofu-dogs with green ketchup. or, eating dogs in general. meow.

the weekend started off on the wrong foot. but like all the ants marching, everyone has their own burden to carry and i’ve started to count my blessings instead. i mentioned to my coworker this morning that “this doesn’t qualify as a need to know basis” but family reads this, anyway. i’m lucky though. after escaping virtually unscathed from rear-ending two separate cars in the beginning and end of the day, what else could you ask for? i don’t know if that’s good or bad. and i can hear my brother cackling in the back of my head. hehe. hasslehof!

i just saw chris cornell and tom morello! hopped on the metro towards hollywood, where audioslave threw a free concert which was being taped for the jimmy kimmel show that’s airing in a few minutes. i’m totally speechless. they played for quite a bit, but my highlights were spoonman, and killing in the name because i’m a 90’s slut like that. come on, remnants of superbands soundgarden and rage against the machine??! no way. as soon as they played that rage song, i almost shat myself whilst the crowd exploded into a frenzy, running over the barriers and turning the corner of hollywood and highland into one giant mosh pit complete with random kids crowd surfing and pockets of slam dancing freaks in black. it was surreal. so this was the LA i’ve been missing.

a few minutes into the song, riot police in full gear started making their way around the stage, in preparation to diffuse the energy before it precipitates and gets out of hand. man, i was ready to get tear-gassed; i didn’t care. heck, that would’ve been cool. but not cooler than seeing audioslave… for free, to boot.

that gig was pretty sick. i always end up doing the randomest things by myself. i need a sidekick! now accepting applications. puh.

everything feels so diluted. lately things haven’t been going so well. i find myself eating once a day, and mostly half a meal, with no desire nor sensation of hunger. i can feel the physical needs of my body for food, but the hunger is nowhere to be found. i feel so lethargic, so out of sync, so… detached.

a small ringing voice in the side of my head tells me to take my life more seriously. not that i’m not, but i want to live my life through the light and shadows of a greater good, of infallible ideals, of genuine friendships amidst sincere and undoubted faiths.

hopefully we don’t lose track of our feet on the ground. hopefully we don’t forget the meanings of the choices we’ve made, the words we’ve spoken, the dreams we believe in. the ants are marching, but all their minds are astray.

start to finish. i was halfway towards work when i realized my laptop was hostage in the trunk of the other car. so there goes 45 minutes down the drain, spent maneuvering back against the dolldrums of early morning rush hour. well, it’s just another day.

long hours at the hamster wheel mean struggling in between bouts of consciousness to make sense of several parallel dimensions that are supposed to co-exist. the job, me, the world outside. i don’t know if its the suspended state of mind, but everything seems to blend together into a massive jumble, but i can sense the individual components that outline the mush. everything blends together but is severely distinct at the same time. terribly confusing. need. to. stop. wheel.

my lips turned blue at the roda tonight, cos i wasn’t able to get dinner. but i kept on going, because that’s the only thing i have left inside of me. it’s all heart.

sleep only brings to life temporal dreams. there is no continuation, no manifest of its reality aside from residual memory. you can hardly pickup where you left off, and if you did, it all ends when you finally wakeup anyway. here we are: sitting, waiting, wishing.

and so i’m minding my own business trying to record a video clip of nine inch nails, calmly trying to keep a steady grip on my camera above my head while i silently pepper expletives on being a tiny asian man. out of the blue, something violently hits me over my shoulder and into my camera- it turns out to be this chubby goth girl crowd-surfing. well, normally i’m a mild-mannered bundle of shits and giggles, but i’m honestly just sick and tired of wrecking my camera once again.

what the hell, right? ever so gracefully, i pushed her butt up as high as i could which caused the rest of her fat body to tilt diagonally, head first, into the bare plot of earth conveniently parted from the crowd in front of me. and then she eats it!! like i’ve never seen anyone eat it before. all in slow motion as she thuds to the ground, i nonchalantly chuckle to myself and go on to check for any collateral damage to the camera as a crowd of people circle to help her.

not that i’m a bad person, but i found it really amusing. she was fine afterwards and was up in the arms of the crowd again, only to disappear a few seconds later to repeat her sorry ass fate. for those slightly less adventurous, here’s bloc party.