To those of you unfamiliar with Avenue Q, it may come as a surprise that I spend some of my relaxation time looking at porn on the internet. God says she leaves me alone at those times, but I think she peeks.

Anyway, if you do enough looking at pictures of naked men on the internet, you’re likely to come across pictures of men trying to suck their own penises, with varying levels of success. I don’t know if it’s (nearly) universal for men to attempt this but I can certainly attest to the fact that in my own youth, before I even knew that porn existed, I gave it a try myself. Now that I’ve seen lots of pictures and even a fair number of videos, I’m pretty sure that most men are not capable of doing this to any reasonable degree of self-satisfaction. They can come close, but just not quite close the deal.

So I asked God why that is, why most men can almost reach their own penis with their own mouths, why we can come tantalizingly close to being able to give ourselves blow jobs, but not really get there. Did she design us that way as punishment, as a cruel joke?

She blamed it on evolution.

Apparently it’s not uncommon for minor mutations to make it possible for men to suck themselves, as is amply shown on the internet, but for some reason men that get such mutations tend not to reproduce, tend not to get women pregnant. I suppose you can imagine why that may be.