Thursday, September 25, 2008

Allow Me To Apologize

On behalf of the city of Orlando and the Great State of Florida, I apologize to the rest of the country, even the world, that you have been subjected to the sordid and tragic goings-on of the Anthony family and all that Nancy Grace has wrought.

Were it not for this despicable wreck of a human who craves ghoulish gossip and who has single-handedly incited the shoeless and toothless pitchfork vigilantes to demand the head of party-girl turned child-neglecter (killer, maybe) Casey Anthony, you might still think of Orlando as a magical place where people come to live in fantasy world for a week. Instead, you get to see the hideous truth; we are just Arkansas with beaches and sunshine.

A note to Arkansans: I mean you no special derision. You're just top-of-mind when it comes to hillbillies. I could've cited West Virginia, Kentucky, Missouri, Alabama, Mississippi or 44 other states just as well-known for backwoods idiocy.

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Jetpacks Junk

Basically...

Back when we were kids, the advertising people told us that "in the future" we'd all be free from disease and living in peace, flying around with our own jetpacks. The future is now...and we're still waiting.