Daddyman
Speaks

The Dad I want to Be

"Wake up, you're the DaddyMan now!" It was my
wife's voice on the morning after our daughter's
birth. And with these words began the first day of
the rest of my life. I was very excited, and
already completely exhausted.

Like many men these days, I wanted to be a
different kind of dad than the model of my father's
generation. I didn't want to be just the
breadwinner. I wanted to be a "hands on" dad, and
be closer to my child than my dad knew how to be
with me.

But how would I fare in this realm so long
designated to women? Can dads bond with babies
without the benefit of breasts? Would I try, but
soon feel woefully inadequate compared to mom.
Would I retreat to other things I knew I could do
well, ike paid work? Would there be any support for
me? Or would I be the only man at every play
group?

And what of all the other things I'd spent my
youth dreaming I might like to do with my life? As
a boy I had been very encouraged to strive for
ambitious career goals. No one ever said I would
command great respect by just earning a passable
income and spending a lot of time fathering. So my
head was packed with a very full slate: getting a
doctorate, creating a counseling practice full of
workshops and topical support groups, building a
house, writing a book, recording a album, etc. I
always figured I'd slip having a child in there
somewhere. But I never thought about exactly
where.

Then suddenly, with my daughter Molly's birth,
there was no time for anything but parenting. So
the onset of fatherhood meant, for me, the need to
grieve all the things I could no longer find time
for. I had to unpack my head of dreams and goals
that kept pulling me away from time on the floor,
playing with Molly. Lying with her at nap time,
impatiently waiting for sleep to take her, I would
sigh, a tear rolling down into my ear. My break was
almost here, but all I would really have time for
is the dishes and the floor. Doing this grieving
has been my biggest challenge as a father

And what is the payoff? Fatherhood has taught me
many things. Some of them are answers to my early
questions, such as: men are natural nurturers of
children, the father-child relationship can be as
rich and deep as any human pairing, no other work
is more important than giving loving attention to a
child. But the main thing fatherhood is teaching me
is who my daughter is. "Who are you today, Molly?"
There is no question that intrigues me more. In it
lies all the complexity and nuance of human
intelligence and personality. And Molly's unfolding
is my unique privilege to witness. Her answer
changes every day. And unless I'm there, I'll never
know.

* * *

Tim
Hartnett, Ph.D. is a licensed Marriage and Family
Therapist in private practice in Santa Cruz, CA. He
specializes in Individual Counseling, Couples
Therapy, and Divorce Mediation. He can be reached
at 831.464.2922 or through his website:
www.TimHartnett.com