I cry for this couple’s future children. Hell, I weep for all of us. Thank goodness we’re all gonna be wiped clean from the Earth in 2012. Because, really, once you see a bald, schlubby white groom do the spastic Ray Lewis “dance” to greet friends and family with his Flacco jersey adorned bride at their wedding reception, you know there’s no reason for us to wasting God’s splendors.

Besides a shocking paucity of purple camo, I did notice that this is a crowd appreciative of mediocrity (guess they have to be), as you can spot two people in Mark Clayton jerseys and another in a Sam Koch. No Kyle Boller for the estranged in-law everyone hates?

I lived outside of Baltimore for 10 months…may I say, there is no classier bunch, than Ravens fans. Where else can you dress as a purple pimp, and mispronounce the letter “O”?

11.19.09 at 10:05 am

Tracer Bullet

I probably could have done something like this with Ohio State jerseys when I got married. I didn’t because I have a bit of self-respect.

11.19.09 at 10:10 am

Matt Casselhoff

i would have absolutely lost it if he came down, had the wedding party gather around him and he started doing the “what time is it?” speech.

11.19.09 at 10:11 am

Ken Gryphon Jr.

@ Long Ball Larry: Minnesota? Crazy accents in that part of the world.

11.19.09 at 10:13 am

Upstate Underdog

Everyone knows Raven jerseys and purple camo are considered formal wear by Ravens fans. And jorts, I forgot jorts.

11.19.09 at 10:17 am

Ben

Baltimore should have never been allowed to get their football team back. Bob Irsay was a hero

11.19.09 at 10:18 am

dm72

SO, um I’m going to the Steelers Ravens 11/29 game with my buddy who’s a yuuuge Steelers fan. I’m a Giants fan who’s just going there cause we are getting a VIP meeting with the Ravens Cheerleaders (no, really. A buddy of mine who works for Budweiser has personal connections). I will be sitting in the Yinzer section, so I can’t wear any Ravens colors. Should I even wear my Giants Jersey or will I get murdered and thrown off the 500 section?

If you wish, I will send pics of the cheerleaders.

11.19.09 at 10:18 am

scottro

I hate these people.

11.19.09 at 10:20 am

Long Ball Larry

Good call Ken Gryphon Jr. I didn’t think of that. As for Upstate Underdog, very good call on the purple camo…it is handed out to you with the purple pimp hat and feather when you move to Baltimore or its surrounding counties.

11.19.09 at 10:23 am

Christmas Ape

Steelers fans don’t generally care about the Giants, so you should be fine being the douche who wears the jersey of a team that isn’t playing.

11.19.09 at 10:26 am

Vince Wilspork

My sister very seriously talked about doing something like this with Patriots jerseys for her wedding. After watching this, I’m glad we didn’t go that route. Then again we don’t have any players with spaz dances to imitate.

They did go as far as to announce “And the wedding party… choosing to be introduced as a team…”. So we’ve got that going for us. Which is nice.

Groom Douche: Whaaat TIME is it?
Groom’s Party: Ball and Chain Time!
Groom Douche: Whaaat TIME is it?
Groom’s Party: Ball and Chain Time!
Groom Douche: Any dawgs in the house?
Groom’s Party: Barking
Groom Douche: Any dawgs in the house?
Groom’s Party: Barking
Groom Douche: Psedo-inspiring speech about love followed by an annulment because the groom can’t score.

Gotta love those Ravens fans.

//fixed

11.19.09 at 10:35 am

Matt Casselhoff

@ Ape

Like all the fans who were at the Pates/Bucs game in London right?

11.19.09 at 10:36 am

Orton hears an Oot

When is the funeral for the cameraman that pissed off Lewis and his two friends at the 1:05 mark?

11.19.09 at 10:36 am

GhostsoftheUpcountry

Upstate, I thought Jorts were formal wear south of Augusta? Ya know, for the Tebowners…

11.19.09 at 10:37 am

newhopeinKC

If they had done this in Chiefs jerseys the groom would’ve spit on the bride, the best man would’ve fallen down the stairs and planted his face in the maid of honor’s knee, and the father of the bride would’ve been shouting profanities at whomever ended up dropping the bouquet (because it would’ve been dropped).

11.19.09 at 10:37 am

ProfessorPher

“We’d like to thank Mr. Michael Tunison for giving us this wonderful idea in his book…”

11.19.09 at 10:38 am

Farthammer

That night, the entire wedding party nailed his wife. He then came into the orgy at the last second and took all the credit for fucking her.

Is it me, or did “Ngata” look a little too eager to pat the groom on the butt there in the first minute?

11.19.09 at 10:56 am

Matt Casselhoff

@ newhope Somehow I want include Brodie Croyle in this, perhaps a groomsman breaks a leg while walking to the dance floor….

11.19.09 at 10:58 am

SafetyDan

@dm: Try for some kind of mostly nuetral shit with a little bit of purple somewhere on your body. Team colors, yet hopefully the Yinzers won’t pour beer on you.

11.19.09 at 11:03 am

Cleetus

Needs more stabbing.

Then denial.

11.19.09 at 11:03 am

dm72

I wasn’t really planning to wear my Giants Jersey out of fear of being assaulted by fat, degenerate purple people eaters on my way to the stadium. (Minnesota, you’ve relinquished your moniker and handed it over to Ravens fans because……well just look at them).

I was just going to let the Yinzers int the stands know in the nicest way possible that their ‘D’ isn’t much without hair-boy.

11.19.09 at 11:05 am

hardawayhatesyou

That poor woman.

11.19.09 at 11:05 am

Christmas Ape

I was just going to let the Yinzers int the stands know in the nicest way possible that their ‘D’ isn’t much without hair-boy.

You mean a defense isn’t as good without its best player? Shocking!

11.19.09 at 11:09 am

James Harrison will taste manflesh!

Upcountry: that’s half of what I came here to say.

The other thing I want to know is, when are we going to make it a rule that something has to exist for a certain period of time before you can have a theme wedding of it? I vote for a 20 year minimum.

/Seriously, that team shouldn’t fucking exist.
//And while we’re at it, who the hell dresses a football team in purple and names it after a poem. BAWLTIMAH FAGGOTS! Fuck that team.

11.19.09 at 11:09 am

Long Ball Larry

@dm72 my wife and I went to a preseason Giants Ravens game in 2007, and she had on a Toomer jersey, and a group of guys began screaming obscenities at her…mostly about how they kicked “her” ass in the Superbowl…mind you, that was many years earlier. The classy fans care not if you are a man or a woman.

Did that white chick throw up a gang sign at 2:40 or am I just seeing things?

/would make complete sense if it was a gang sign
//Bawlmer gangs don’t check the internet right?

11.19.09 at 11:31 am

Todd Heap's Bible

Yeah, Ravens are stupid! HAHAHAHA! Baltimore sux, losers! HAHAHAHA! And they’re faggots who have sex with fat chicks from Dundalk!

Red meat for the idiots day at KSK, apparently. Seriously? This the best you got, Ape?

/hates Ravens fans as much as everyone else.
//tired of stale jokes

11.19.09 at 11:37 am

Christmas Ape

This the best you got, Ape?

Well, I did work that sad little temper tantrum out of you, so I feel like I accomplished something today.

11.19.09 at 11:42 am

Animal Mother

And 5 minutes later the wedding was over when the bride caught the groom in the mens room blowing the groomsmen.

Because only Stiller fans keep their team’s jersey on while taking a load.

/could care less about either team
//but hopes they all die in a fire
///after Ray Ray stabs them

11.19.09 at 11:46 am

Lobster Stuffed with Tacos

@ Todd Heap’s Bible

Faggots who have sex with chicks define clutch!

11.19.09 at 11:54 am

miamidiesel

If you’re going to go through with something like this, the least you can do is practice the Ray Lewis spazz dance so as to do a better than piss poor rendition like the one that we got here. Also, is ‘Lean on Me’ to be considered the anthem of Fearsome Ravens fans everywhere?

I have no doubts Ape would pull some shit like this with a Yinzer theme at his wedding. The song for the first dance? This.

11.19.09 at 12:01 pm

Christmas Ape

Any Stillers-themed wedding would be heavy on the polka shit or “Renegade“. “It’s Polamalu” is a cutesy novelty song for later in the evening.

/depressed that Googling “Steelers themed wedding” turned up so many hits

11.19.09 at 12:13 pm

Christmas Ape

Eh, that’s nowhere nearly as bad as I was expecting. They just showed up at the practice facility in their formalwear. Not like the groom was doing Brett Keisel’s shooting arrow sack celebration or anything. Of course, I’m sure Jeff Reed drunkenly got into fighter’s stance with the groom later.

11.19.09 at 12:22 pm

miamidiesel

I can see it now Ape. You rocking the Ward jersey while making slanty eyes, smiling and talking like the City Wok owner from South Park, the bride with her hair blown out like Polamalu trying to sell people on Head and Shoulders, the groomsmen in Santonio Holmes jerseys standing around with prosthetic 14′ cocks hanging out, and a drunken uncle in a Jeff Reed jersey arm in arm with that gigantic parrot. Now that I think about it… can I come?

11.19.09 at 12:38 pm

PirateSloth

Ape – I’ll play the part of Jeff Reed at you wedding as long as I can bang Jean Gray in a drunken stupor in the hotel.

Wait, she’s only a cat?

And that video is total proof that I should always remember to have my coffee ready before looking at KSK. My brain can not handle the stupidity sometimes.

11.19.09 at 12:47 pm

fearsomeravensfan

/shootsself

11.19.09 at 12:49 pm

Art Donovans hot dog roll

Me and the first wife did this back in the late 80’s. Her in Burt Jones me in Stan White with the Colts Marching band. Bitch left me and took off to Indy. Damn i still miss her. Shes seeing by best friend now and coming to visit this weekend. Baby get out the camo teddie.

11.19.09 at 12:57 pm

porky1

miamidiesel: don’t forget the “special needs” nephew in the Big Ben jersey who keeps fidgeting and asking if he can go get his “Intendo” out of the car.

11.19.09 at 1:00 pm

Nate Newton's van

I invited Troy Aikman to my wedding but once he realized my California-based marriage was not one of “those” weddings, his calendar was suddenly full.

11.19.09 at 1:00 pm

twoeightnine

Shouldn’t we always cry for crackbabies?

11.19.09 at 1:08 pm

claude balls

@Ape: Sorry, I thought the groom was poignantly articulate. Perhaps this wedding was more like what you were expecting. Nice bandanna on the ring bearer at the end.

11.19.09 at 1:27 pm

85

@claude: Yeah that was about right. Nice to see the groom shaved the sides of the head real close for the big day. Really sets off the ponytail.

My guess is the bride had one of these for the wedding day. http://tinyurl.com/ybmu92y Once size fits most, unless you’re the type that would actually wear them.

11.19.09 at 1:29 pm

Otto Man

The classy fans care not if you are a man or a woman.

True, but when they yell “Show us your tits!” at a fat guy, their hearts aren’t completely into it.