What's hot:

Hollywood has always had a complicated relationship with Valentine's Day — after all, the industry released films called Valentine's Day and I Hate Valentine's Day within two years of one another. There are plenty of great movies about couples who were absolutely awful together, we can all benefit from a little schadenfreude. So if you're in a relationship, be grateful it's not one of these disastrous onscreen pairings. And if you're not in a relationship, remember, it could always be worse:

What went right: Cobb and Mal have the life of their dreams — literally — as they live what feels like 50 years (but is actually about a day) in a "Limbo" they construct together. They also have two children, who spend a suspicious amount of time on the beach.

What went wrong: Cobb convinces Mal to return to the real world by using Inception to plant the idea that their fake world isn't real in her brain — an idea, unfortunately, that she carries into the real world, which leads to her suicide. The only remaining "Mal" is the manifestation of guilt that exists in Cobb's brain — a manifestation that has an unfortunate tendency to show up with guns blazing in an attempt to sabotage his missions. (Yes, it's a complicated movie.)

What went right: As he recovers from torture inflicted by the villainous Le Chiffre, 007 finds his cold heart melted by the beautiful Vesper Lynd. On reflection, Bond decides that being smashed in the groin with a carpet-beater a dozen times is a good reason to put his spying days behind him, as he turns in his license to kill and prepares to sail around the world with Vesper.

What went wrong: Alas, Bond discovers that Vesper is the bad kind of Bond Girl — albeit the conflicted kind — when he catches her delivering his millions in poker winnings to a representative of the villainous Quantum organization while vacationing in Venice. A conflicted Vesper locks herself in an iron cage as it sinks underwater, drowning before Bond can reach her. Bond is left angry and grief-stricken, without a single quantum of solace until the sequel, Quantum of Solace.

What went right: Padme, the queen of the planet Naboo, first meets Anakin as a young boy on the planet Tatooine (which is actually sort of gross, but we'll let it slide). But as Anakin matures into the broody, sand-hating Jedi played by Hayden Christensen, the two fall in love, and are married in a secret ceremony witnessed by C-3PO and R2-D2.

What went wrong: Anakin is wooed to the dark side by the villainous Palpatine, who says he can prevent Padme's death. Unfortunately, he ends up inadvertently causing her death, after betraying the Jedi, slaughtering a bunch of younglings and Force-choking her into unconsciousness — which makes her die of a broken heart, and makes him becomes Darth Vader. Irony, George Lucas style.

What went right: Well, no one can deny the passion of the relationship between Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious and groupie girlfriend Nancy Spungen. Shame about all that heroin, though.

What went wrong: There's a reason that the phrase "fighting like Sid and Nancy" has replaced "fighting like cats and dogs" in some circles. The self-destructive relationship destroys both Sid and Nancy's lives, first figuratively and then literally, as Sid ends up stabbing her — perhaps accidentally, perhaps not — and dying of an overdose shortly thereafter.

What went right: Writer Jack Torrance takes a job as the winter caretaker of the vacant, off-season Overlook Hotel, which will give wife Wendy and son Danny a chance to explore the grounds — including an oh-so-fun hedge maze! — as dad works on his writing.

What went wrong: Unfortunately for all involved, the Overlook turns out to be haunted, and Jack goes insane, eventually attempting to murder Wendy and Danny with an ax. Wendy and Danny escape, and Jack freezes to death in the hedge maze — or maybe gets transported back to the 1920s? It's kind of a confusing movie.

The thing about Romeo and Juliet is that they got married in a church. Consummate the marriage and then hide in the fucking church and send out a priest to give word to their families. You can't break the marriage. No one had to die, except maybe Lady Montague, who wasn't in good condition to begin with.