Tis the season! For many of us, this time of year is about family, friends, tradition, and spending time with loved ones----but not for everyone! Let’s be honest, while many people look forward to this time of year for the reasons I just explained, not everyone feels the same way. For others who are reminded about the significance of this season and are gearing up for spending time with their family and friends, they may be facing heartburn and stress. For them, this does not necessarily mean spending quality time with loved ones, it means putting up with annoying habits, attitudes and personalities. It means biting your tongue and avoiding arguments and doing your very best to be civil during this time of year. So how can you make an anticipated stressful time with your family and friends during the holiday season much more memorable? For some of you, the answer may be alcohol. But for others who anticipate getting in arguments, I recommend you do the following to be more civil:

Refrain from debating. When we debate, the goal is to persuade or advocate for our view, attempting to prove the other side wrong. Our competitive spirit causes us to search for flaws and weaknesses in the other’s positions. Remember, this season is about creating good memories with the people we love and care for. There’s reason we should be in a good mood!However, we are all susceptible to debating others over politics, sports, and family issues. Oftentimes, these debates turn into arguments and uncivil behavior. Emotions can get the best of us and we can end up saying hurtful things we may end up regretting. And is it really worth spending this time arguing and debating over petty issues? So, what should you do instead of debating?

Practice dialogue. Rather than trying to prove the other side wrong during a conflict or a contentious discussion with people, intentionally listen to the other person’s perspective and consider and respect their point of view, even if you do not immediately agree. When you practice dialogue, you develop an understanding for someone else’s perspective, thoughts, and feelings as well as reevaluate your own position considering what you learned from the other person. In dialogue, everyone has a chance to be heard, and to learn from each other.

I understand this may be hard to do especially when discussing issues that we care deeply about. But sometimes, especially during the holiday season, when discussing these hot topics, before getting into a debate that could turn into a heated argument, ask yourself, is it worth it? Is this how you want to spend your holiday?Practicing dialogue instead of engaging in debate is a technique that can be employed in the workplace as well. This is especially useful when dealing with jerks at work. For many of us, our natural response to dealing with conflict is a zero-sum approach and engage in debate. However, dialogue is a more effective option for dealing with a situation in a non-combative or adversarial manner. Additionally, when we engage in dialogue, we learn more about others perspective and helps us become more civil. So, during this holiday season and moving forward into 2019, I encourage you to practice dialogue whenever possible because it will build your personal and professional relationships.

Eric Williamson is a keynote speaker and author of the book How to Work with Jerks. Order your copy today at https://www.amazon.com/dp/0999456695/. For more information about a keynote speech or training workshop for your organization, visit www.tailoredtrainingsolutions.com.

February marks a month of compassion, appreciation, and recognition for many great people and loved ones. Not only do we celebrate Black History month, President’s Day, and Valentine’s Day, we also celebrate random acts of kindness in the workplace. While you may have no desire to have a work jerk be your valentine, you can still celebrate random acts of kindness in your workplace by fostering respect, appreciation, and morale among your fellow colleagues, including jerks.

The Benefits of Showing Random Acts of Kindness in the Workplace

Work jerks can get under your skin, cause you stress, and negatively impact the way you feel about yourself and your workplace. Despite working with a jerk, celebrating random acts of kindness creates a more collaborative atmosphere and improves team performance. In fact, Gallup found that these actions can improve employee satisfaction by 50% and are more likely to be fully engaged at work. According to a LinkedIn study, respecting and appreciating coworkers is particularly vital to millennial employees because it leads them to becoming happier, more motivated, and more productive.

Using Perspective to Employ Random Acts of Kindness in the Workplace

So how can you implement random acts of kindness in your workplace? One solution I recommend is having Perspective. Perspective is one of my 5 Star Traits referred to in my upcoming book, How to Work with Jerks. Showing perspective improves your interaction with jerks in many different ways. No doubt jerks can create low morale and toxic environments, but you can combat that negativity by spreading love and compassion in the workplace through perspective.Perspective improves relationships with colleagues including jerks, and disarms a jerk right in their tracks during conflict and disagreements. Equally important, it can create a positive work environment and is ideal for expressing random acts of kindness.

Perspective is the ability to acknowledge the emotional diversity in others and respect their feelings regardless if we have not experienced it. This trait involves understanding their point of view in a situation. Below are four examples of how you can implement perspective in the workplace.

Seek to understand when communicating with others, seeking buy in or support on a decision or course of action, you need to be open to other points of views, even jerks. While it’s easy to assume the worst in people if they disagree with you, it may not always be the case because you never know what someone else is going through personally or professionally. But if you seek to understand their point of view, you will have a better perspective on where they are coming from. You can seek to understand by practicing the 2nd example, active listening.

Use Active Listening to diffuse tense situations, mitigate conflicts, and manage disagreements in the workplace. A key component of perspective is listening. Really, listen to the other person’s perspective and hear the entire message. When communicating with a jerk, or engaged in conflict or disagreements, do your best to actively listen by asking questions, confirming your understanding, and clarifying anything that does not make sense. This puts the focus on the situation rather than the personal feelings you may have towards someone. Give that person your full attention so they can open up and be completely honest with you. Give them the reassurance that what they have to say is important.

Empower, don’t micromanage. For people in leadership positions, with the exception of newer staff who are still learning the ropes, it is important to empower your staff to get the work done instead of leading every detail of the assignment. It builds trust, respect, and accountability. People will be more engaged, empowered to make decisions, and and are more willing to participate in work activities.

Use the 3 Up, 3 Down approach when developing people, providing feedback, and helping them get acclimated to a new task. This boosts their confidence, level of engagement, and builds momentum and progress. Don’t always focus on the negative. While it is good to communicate expectations and ways to improve, also provide balanced feedback and words of encouragement. This will motivate jerks you manage to get the job done right and meet your expectations. Acknowledging the good things in addition to the things that need improvement will help cultivate their ability to learn and improve.

Employing these tips will cultivate an atmosphere of respect, appreciation and engagement among all coworkers, including jerks. You do not have to wait until the month for February to engage in simple acts of kindness, you can employ these methods at any time. Showing perspective can help you maintain your passion for work, compassion for others, while also maintaining your sanity, in spite of working with jerks.

How do you show simple acts of kindness to the people you work with?

Most of us approach January with excitement and anticipation to start the new year off right. We see it as an opportunity to wipe the slate clean from the previous year of ups and downs, and we set resolutions for a successful 2018.

While our visions of success may vary, they usually involve a combination of professional and personal success. Perhaps you’re looking forward to career advancement, making more money, or being happier and less stressed this year. But try as we might, some of us will have difficulty achieving that success. Especially if we work with jerks.

One Goal for the New Year: Learn to Work with JerksWhy not start off your year by focusing on one goal that can give you a lot of bang for your buck? Strive to improve your relationships with the people you work with -- especially the jerks. In my work as a business consultant, I have learned that all employees and business leaders have one thing in common -- they struggle when it comes to working with jerks.

I am sure you have an idea of who a “work jerk” is: someone who is rude, sarcastic, bossy or even worse. They make our life at work incredibly stressful. At his or her core, a work jerk is someone who doesn’t have the social skills to be successful or even tolerable at work. These people fail to leverage workplace relationships to improve productivity, performance, or morale.

Work jerks are problematic because they can affect your company’s bottom line, as well as your health and wellbeing. Research shoes that we can spend up to three hours per week dealing with conflict from jerks rather than focusing on getting our own work done. This can be taxing on your mind as well as your body. Because it’s taxing on your mind and body, some people would rather not show up to work. In fact, 1 out of 4 people don’t show up to work due to being too stressed, too sick, or too tired of dealing with jerks.

Not addressing the “how to work with jerks” challenge in the workplace is costly to individuals and companies alike. Most individuals go to great lengths to avoid them jerks, missing out on key meetings or collaborations. Others get so fed up with dealing with jerks that they leave the company --- voluntarily or involuntarily. And for employers, it can cost nearly 200% more than that employee’s salary to find a replacement. Dealing with jerks also leads to poor relationships, and these poor relationships cause resentment, hostility and, sadly, workplace violence. In 2017, workplace violence accounted for nearly 13% of aggravated assaults and nearly 18 % of simple assaults in America.

Establishing Good Workplace RelationshipsAs someone who works with organizations that want to create workplace environments where employees feel valued, appreciated, and acknowledged, I understand that workplace relationships are in high demand in 2018 and are paramount to productivity. Establishing good workplace relationships with your colleagues and superiors leads to improved morale, which leads to improved employee engagement, improved performance, and productivity. It doesn’t matter how experienced, talented, and gifted you are, you simply can’t get your work done or be successful without relying on others. As such, you won’t get very far in your career and you will always be somewhat ineffective at what you do if you can’t establish healthy working relationships.

The best way we can start off a successful new year is by improving our relationships with the people we work with, especially work jerks.

How can we do this? Despite common practice, or what you may have experienced yourself, the answer is NOT:

Avoiding them

Committing knee jerk reactions, such as telling a jerk exactly how you feel about them

Violent behavior, such as lashing out causing some physical harm to someone.

These options only help you become a jerk yourself! And becoming a jerk only makes matters worse. Avoiding the situation sends a message that you condone their behavior. And it is only a matter of time until things come to a head and you blow up at that person. Trust me, you don’t want that to happen (that’s how I became a temporary jerk when I got my first job).

The AAA Method for Not Letting Your Emotions Get the Best of YouWhen dealing with conflict from jerks, we often have the tendency to let our emotions get the best of us. We react without considering the consequences of our actions. This not only makes a bad situation worse; it causes us to behave like jerks too! Instead of making an impulsive decision when engaged in a heated discussion, we need to take a more measured approach, demonstrate poise, and respond thoughtfully and professionally. This may sound easier said than done; however, this is possible.

Consider my 3-step process that helps you manage tough situations, improve relationships with others, and achieve better workplace results with the people you can’t stand (especially the jerks). I call it the AAA Method: Assess, Analyze, Act. Participants in my training workshops have found tremendous value when using the AAA Method to deal with conflict in the workplace. But the only way it works is through deliberate practice. It requires a conscious effort to employ these steps while in conflict.

Step 1: Assess the situation. When dealing with conflict at work or in your personal life, it’s important to assess the situation. This involves not only being aware of your emotions and how you are feeling, but how the other person is feeling. Reflect on a specific situation you have experienced to identify these emotions. What does your behavior or body language signal to the other person? What behavior or body language does that person signal to you? Sometimes when we are stressed or dealing with a difficult situation, we can exhibit at least one or more of the following reactions: our heart may beat faster, we can get shortness of breath, we may clinch up or experience sweaty palms. How do you respond when stressed at work?

Not only should you be aware of your body gestures and others’ body gestures, you should also be aware of the current situation or the circumstance. For example:

Do you have a tight deadline you have to meet?

Are you working on an important project?

Step 2: Analyze the situation. Once you have assessed the situation and are aware of what your emotions and behaviors are signaling to others, the next step is to analyze your emotions and behaviors. Determine why you are feeling stressed. What situation has occurred that has caused you to feel stressed? Additionally, seek to understand and reflect on the thoughts and feelings of the other person involved. For example:

Why is the other person acting rude or abrasive toward you?

What situation has occurred that has caused you both to be stressed?

Step 3: Act. Once you have a full understanding of the situation (meaning you are aware of what has caused you or the other person to be stressed and you understand what may be contributing to these feelings), you can respond and act most appropriately. This is one of the most important steps because it prevents you from allowing your emotions to get the best of you and keeps you from making an impulsive decision you will most likely regret.

Remember, in conflict, we cannot always be right. When you take the time to assess and analyze the situation, you may determine you are in the wrong, which may require you to apologize or adjust your response.

Practice Makes PerfectThe AAA Method must be practiced repeatedly if you want to work better with jerks. Many times, when we are caught up in the heat of the moment, we skip directly to step 3 and act based on how we are feeling at that moment. This causes more problems, including jeopardizing our careers and worsening relationships. Following this Assess/Analyze/Act process in order will help you communicate more effectively with all generations in the workforce, mitigate conflict before it comes to a head, and prevent you from making a rash decision that you may regret.

We do not always get to choose the people who we work with. We do, however, get to choose how we handle the relationships with the people we work with -- -especially jerks. Avoiding jerks, telling them off, or committing violent acts are not good solutions in the short term or the long term. When you deal with jerks by becoming a jerk, you make the situation worse.

***Eric Williamson is a keynote speaker and author of the forthcoming book How to Work with Jerks. For more information about a keynote speech or training workshop for your organization, visit www.tailoredtrainingsolutions.com.