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Thursday, May 30, 2013

I have been waiting for Elena to talk for so
long…remember her alien voice? I thought for sure back then she’d be “talking” so
soon…now here we are & she’s not talking how I expected she would be at
this age…

Meh = can mean “what’s that” but is also a
catch all sound with a myriad of meanings

For animals, she’ll often make the animal sound
rather than attempt the name…and the rest of her communication is made up of grunts,
gestures & jibberish. I’m not sure if she’s stringing words together,
likely she is but I only understand a word or two. She will say a word while
shaking her head meaning “not that” & she'll get frustrated if you’ve
missed the head shake & give her the thing she didn’t want. She is trying
to sing which is absolutely precious but loves most when we sing songs with
actions like Wheels on the Bus, Zoom Zoom, Itsy Bitsy Spider, etc to which she participates
animatedly. I’ve even been spared the dreaded toddler habit (so far) of “NO!”
If you recall, she use to say, “Nien!” then, “Niet” but for the most part she’ll
just shake her head. What breaks my heart is when she’ll hold my face in her hands,
looking at me pleadingly as she repeats the same sound that obviously means something
to her but I just don’t understand. Often we get by with me asking her to show
me what she means but sometimes what she’s saying isn’t showable
& she gets so frustrated…but worse than that, sometimes she gets this look
of abject defeat...it guts me!

And that’s the thing! She is SO expressive, even
with her lack of language. I can only imagine what it’ll be like when she adds
words to all that expression! Her preschool teacher said it perfectly, her
emotions are written all over her face!

I know in my heart that Elena will come around
to talking but there was that part of me that wondered, “what if?” What if
there is some issue? What if I’m hindering her in any way?

We have a wonderful program in my province,
Early Words…at Elena’s age, I was able to self refer & have Elena assessed
by a Speech Pathologist, all covered under our healthcare.

We were sent a package of assessment forms to
fill out prior to our meeting with the Speech Pathologist. The form had a
number of lists of words & we needed to mark if Elena understood them or
understood & spoke them…seeing it all out on paper like that was
interesting…she understood pretty much every word on each list…& the ones
she didn’t had more to do with not being exposed to that item than not knowing
it, words like babysitter’s name, playpen, coffee…or words we just don’t use,
like bad (I’ve avoided using that term feeling it is too negative) & owie/boo
boo, we just say hurt, cut, bump, etc…

The first thing the SP mentioned was how
surprised she was to see how expressive Elena was. Based on the paperwork, she
expected a child that would be a lot more reserved & quiet…& the longer
we were there, the more Elena became comfortable & opened up. The SP was
impressed with how well Elena had adapted to express her wants, needs &
opinions while lacking the language skills to do so.

The SP got right down on the floor to play
& interact with Elena & observed that she didn’t try to mimic in any
way which generally kids do a great deal. She also found it interesting that
instead of pointing at things & labeling them, she brings them to me &
has me identify them…basically Elena would make little to no effort to venture out
of the small cluster of sounds & words she knows to try new & different
ones…but she wants to know, Elena definitely has a thirst for knowledge.

Basically the SP diagnosed that it was entirely
fault, I was hindering her! Oh, it’s not as bad as that sounds, lol! You
see, I had decided that I would never talk baby talk to Elena…I would always
use proper words & language, plus, until very recently, Elena was rarely
with children her own age. She was left with nothing to emulate & mimic. My
language was too difficult & she just didn’t have the ability to form the
sounds needed to speak like me…

The SP explained that I (& my Mom) needed
to speak more simply to Elena. She’s not suggesting using baby talk in any way, instead just simplifying how we speak. For example, when Elena would bring me something, like a
ball, asking what’s this (Elena knows what a ball is, this is just an example)
I would respond with a full sentence, “That’s a ball” & that is too many
sounds for Elena to try to mimic so she just doesn’t. Instead I just need to
say, “Ball” pause & say it again, “Ball” & pause again then say it a
third time…there’s no need to ask her, “Can you say Ball?” or tell her, “Say
Ball”…the pause is when she can try & she will in her own time.

Another example is when we play, I would have a
running dialogue going…"Okay, let’s go play bubbles! This is so much fun! Look
at them all! Pop them! There you go! Now you blow! Wow, great blowing…” Elena
of course would understand all of this & participate excitedly…but it left
her no room to try to learn the words! The SP suggested that I dial it way back…say,
“Bubbles! Pop! Blow!” leaving lots of pauses & chances for Elena to mimic
me.

In the week since our appointment, I have
become hyper aware of how I speak to Elena & really realize that I talk to
her like I would anyone else…& I’m now making a concerted effort to speak
more simply. Already I’ve noticed a difference!! She is trying to mimic me more
& her sound repertoire seems to be expanding quickly!

Having her in preschool in September will make
a world of difference too, I am sure. She has been going to the school Fridays with my
Mom for a drop in group. I had last Friday off so got to take her
& see her interact with her friend, who talks quite a bit. It was
amazing seeing Elena attempting the words this little girl was saying!

I really just can't wait to hear what Elena has got to say! I swear, I will never complain that she is talking too much! If I do, you have my permission to slap me!

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Out of the 8 moms at Elena’s gymnastics class,
5 of them are pregnant…I thought I was past being jealous of pregnant women but
no, it seems it’s been replaced by jealousy of women who get to have 2…or 3…or
5…it’s bad enough that I don’t relate to these women at all, being that they’re
all at least 10 years younger than me…& married…now I have to smile
politely while they discuss their pregnancies…of the other 2 moms that aren’t
pregnant, 1 has started trying again (I suspect, based on her comments, that
she might be pregnant but just not saying anything yet) & the other has 4
kids & is not having more children…then there’s me.

While they discuss & moan & giggle, I
hug Elena close, so grateful to have her…& wallow in jealousy.

I don’t like feeling this way…it brings up
other feelings I don’t like to feel…like guilt…I feel guilty for being jealous
of not having more children, guilty that this implies that Elena isn’t enough…because
Elena IS enough, her little life fills mine to overflowing with joy &
contentedness.

I also feel sad…I don’t want to feel sad
because it conflicts with that joy & contentedness. I have never in my
whole life been happier than I am these days…so you understand why an
undercurrent of sadness would annoy me. I’m sad Elena won’t have siblings…oh
sure, she could decide to look for half siblings…but I’m sad that she won’t
have any brothers or sisters to grow up with…and I’m sad that I don’t get to be
pregnant again, breastfeed again...

This leads to feeling frustrated with myself
because I really have come to terms with not having more children & knowing
that decision is what is best for Elena & I. Knowing it’s the
right decision isn’t the same as accepting it, I guess. I get frustrated because my mind
wanders to “if only”…if only I’d become a SMC when I was younger, if only I had
more time (biologically speaking), more money…

And those “if onlys” make me angry because,
like I said, I have never been happier in my entire life. The only thing that
could make me happier would be to be a SAHM…which, by the way, is another thing
I’m jealous of: moms who get to stay home with their children. Elena is at such
a fun age, despite the tantrums & obstinacy…& I hate having to be at
work for most of her waking hours!!

Lastly, it’s the feeling of shame I get for
being jealous…I have so much…I have what so many women want & don’t get...I’m ashamed for having it & wanting more.

About Me

This is the story of a girl who had the fairy tale dream of meeting a Prince Charming, getting married & having a house full of children. Instead of Mr Right, I met DR. RE & found Mr. Anonymous Sperm Donor...Even though the Once Upon a Time didn't quite work out as expected there's still a Happily Ever After...Follow me along as I navigate life as a Single Mom by Choice (SMC).