Sunday, March 28, 2010

I REQUEST YOU ALL TO READ "SCARED HEARTS" A POEM WRITTEN BY 14 YEARS OLD GIRL IN HER SPACE - staryeyedandscreeming. And my comments too before you leave your views. THANKS A LOT.

I am overwhelmed that two young intelligent persons here wrote a post each as an offtake on my previous post - Ambition Vs Sense of Propriety. I visited them. I am inspired by their posts as well as your views in my post. I will first give gist of what they had written.

Shayon ( http://www.shayonpal.com/ ) in his post “ Aren’t You Jealous” raised questions about difference between being possessive and being jealous, love for many things and not wanting to share love for somethings you “book” for yourself as bike, computer, spouse or parents. He opined that it is better if we share love and also talked of change needed for established norms, citing example of SATTI PRATHA against which Raja Ram Mohan Roy had successfully campaigned.

The Bald Guy ( desigheeandcoffee. blogspot.com ) in his post “ Sex With The Boss” had emphasized that irrespective of being single or married sleeping with boss is undesirable as it would lead to complications later ( I fully concur him on this issue ), he opined that Neena may be upset as she may not have enjoyed sex with boss for various reasons he listed ( which I would like you all to read in original ), as per him good sex leaves no remorse, he compared sex to bribery. He also said that we all at times have done something or the other making us put ethics on back seat to advance our careers. He suggested society as being hypocritical.

Anon while commenting in Shayon’s post had mentioned that “physical infidelity can still be overlooked but emotional infidelity can not be pardoned.” Or words to that effect.

I am going to put across my views on the issues raised by them and what I believe is needed to keep sanctity of marriage or a relationship. What I had narrated in my previous post was an incident which took place in Neena’s life and situation faced by her is not uncommon.

Love is of many hues. As infant we without being conscious, love our mother as she feeds us. A crying infant on being picked up by mother calms down as he or she instinctively knows that hands are of the one he or she loves. As we grow we start loving our father, siblings, relatives, friends, home, school / college, teachers, town, country, vocation ( some may contradict me on this ), pets and worldly possessions. This is the love if shared in appropriate manner can increase our happiness manifold.

Then comes someone in our life whom we initially start liking as friend but as time passes we feel more attached to that person. We start behaving in a manner which is not explainable. We start pining for his or her company, look for ways to be together and all in all feel incomplete without that person. This is my friends what we understand when someone says LOVE. I do not feel that there is anything as Love at First Sight which happens in Mills & Boon only. Initially it is attraction, mainly due to physical appearance of that person. As we interact that gets strengthened with his or her conduct. That leads to stage of RELATIONSHIP. There will be certain amount of physicality which would be as per their own decisions. Now some are lucky to have support of their families and get married. Some have arranged marriage with someone whom they may or may not meet before marriage depending upon customs of the community.

Anjuli ( maybeiamaddicted ) in her post “ Are Movies Reflection of Life ” had very aptly told that TRUE LOVE is when a person does not desire the partner to be his or her but wishes self to be his or her. Thus there is distinct difference between LUST and LOVE.

I am going to talk about sense of propriety in such Relationship and Marriage.

In any relationship there are few fundamental factors which make that relationship HEALTHY, more so in case of LOVE RELATIONSHIP and MARRIAGE. Major ones are MUTUAL RESPECT FOR PARTNER AS HE OR SHE IS, MUTUAL TRUST, GIVING SPACE and OPEN FRANK TWO WAY COMMUNICATION. For this we have to see that we do not let ego be vamp in our respect by belittling or pulling other down , betray trust by going for another relationships ( emotional or physical ) simultaneously , misuse space by having other relations ( physical ) and telling lies, be emotional or overbearing instead of logical while communicating. Then come other factors not less by any means - Respect and Acceptance of other’s family and friends, Sense of Humour including ability to laugh at ownself, Understanding other’s strengths or weaknesses and Supporting that AND LAST But not the LEAST PHYSICAL RELATIONS. These are time tested and found to lead to happiness of those involved. We may term them as traditions.

Now I pose following questions to all :

a) Do you feel that these factors leading to HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP are redundant and need change?b) Would you share same love as between you and your partner / spouse with others?c) Would you overlook physical infidelity not involving emotional attachment of your partner or spouse?d) Would you let your partner or spouse have one night stands with anyone he or she feels lust for as there is no emotional aspect attached?e) Would you let your partner or spouse have sex for advancing his or her career?f) Is it not advisable to keep a single incident involving breach of trust or misuse of space buried if it is done under coercion and regretted immediately, to save the marriage or relationship provided there is no repetition of such act?

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Our area is quite peaceful but about a fortnight ago there was a commotion at about 10 pm in the block next to ours. I went out to check as there had been a spate of burglaries in nearby localities. There were a few persons gathered outside and I learnt that young couple staying on 1st floor was having a fight. They had moved in here soon after marriage about 5 months ago as both of them are working in NCR while their parents stay in different cities. I got acquainted with them a few days after they had moved in as they both go for jog in the morning when I am out with our dog. They both are dog lovers and that is what got us talking. Anuj and Neena make an ideal couple. They are both complimentary to each other in appearance and behavior. They had visited us a few times and she had also come over alone at times when he was out of station. We too have been to their home a couple of times. They both get along very well with our son and his wife.

There was silence in their flat by that time and I went up to see if I could do something. I found the door ajar. I knocked and as there was no reply, fearing something untoward I pushed it open to find Anuj sitting in dinning room while Neena was standing in the living room crying. On seeing me he came over saying “ Uncle, she cheated on me.” She sobbingly said that it was not true. Under those circumstances I felt it would be better if we spoke about whatever it was after they both had calmed down. I called my wife over and once she was with us, she took her to the bedroom to calm her. I sat near him but kept quiet waiting for him to speak. What emerged was that he had gone out for a meeting with a colleague and while returning to office he saw her emerge from a guest house with her boss. By the time he could park the car to meet them, they had gone out of sight. I told him not to jump to such conclusions without letting her say how she was there. He said that she refuses to talk about it. He further said that he knew reputation of her boss was not good at all. I was apprehensive that if they are left to themselves they might again get into fight. So I asked him to sleep over it and let me get to the bottom of this matter. We brought her to our house and I slept in the guest room letting her be with my wife.

Next morning while escorting her back I asked what was the truth. She told that she would like to seek my advice later as she had to rush to office due to an urgent meeting. I found Anuj better composed and he looked askance at me. I told him to relax as I would speak to her later. He had to go outstation on official work next day and was expected after a week or so. Before going he came over asking me to advise her and find out why she was there as he loved her a lot and had a lot of trust in her. Theirs is an arranged marriage. I promised to do my best. I thought I would make use of Sunday which was 2 days away. I asked her to join us for the day once she free from household chores. She came over around 11 am and we sat in the living room chatting. Our son and his wife were out for the week end. My wife kept moving about the house doing her chores. I am writing what she told me after a little cajoling. Now I am in a dilemma as to am I right in what I did.

She is from middle class family. She is eldest among 3 siblings, sister being over a year and brother 3 years younger. Her father was in government service at decent post and retired as a senior officer. Her mother worked in a private organisaion to supplement family income. Though they were not hand to mouth but could not be called to be very comfortable. Her mother had insisted that they should start education in good schools. So they went to elite schools of the city. They were provided with all basic amenities but very little more beyond that.

She was in company of students coming from well to do families who had lot of things which she was keen on but could not afford. She was not jealous of them but did feel the lack of resources. So she started feeling that to get something in life she needs to work for it. She became very ambitious. She put herself to study hard as well as take part in other extra curricular activities. She excelled in studies and also in sports. She proved to be a good basket ball player and outstanding in debates & dances. She was quite popular. When she was in 11th she learnt that it is not just hard work but her interaction with those who matter also counted. Her being left out of school basket ball team for a tournament made her understand that. Everyone was surprised at her non inclusion as she was one of the top players. This hurt her young mind as her ambition of being in the team was not fulfilled. On asking the coach she was told that she needs to be little more interactive socially. She realised that this was because she had not liked her coach putting his arm around her or holding her close while talking. She had pulled away from him whenever he did that. Next time in practice session when he put his arm around her she stiffened but did not move away. So she was back in the team for the next match. This incident got embedded deep in her young mind. She felt that to fulfill her dreams she would need to compromise on some issues. Thus her innocent mind got moulded that way.

She got into a reputed college as she secured very good marks and was within first ten in the merit list. Here she continued to study hard as well as take part in other activities. She made a lot of friends and had a boyfriend also. They were quite close but she told him that she would not like to go all the way. He was very understanding and they enjoyed each other’s company well. After graduation she took up a job while pursuing MBA in HR part time.

On completion of MBA with good marks she joined the present MNC which is into consultancy of HR. She has been with them for over 2 years and due to her hard work is liked by seniors and respected by peers. She made a good name. Recently company decided to open another office close to our locality. She was told by her boss that though she is very junior, she may be made Branch Head. This position carries good pay and perks package. This will also open scope for her to rise further. She would be surpassing a lot of seniors if selected. Her ambition got strong. Her boss sensed her keenness for this post and fueled her desire. He told her that apart from hard work she also needs to be active socially as in that position she would have to interact with lot of top executives from the corporate world. He took her to a couple of meeting with heads of their client organisations. He went out of his way to prepare her to shoulder new responsibilities. She said that he was very nice and told her a number of times that he would like to see her get that post over other short listed seniors. The day Anuj said he saw her coming out of guest house, she was told by her boss in the morning that he has been given authority to select one amongst the short listed names and confirm appointment. He told her that he was keen to choose her if she is willing to do something for him. Her strong ambition made her succumb to the temptation of getting this position and she agreed knowing what he was hinting at. She started crying while saying that after she did what he wanted, she felt so dirty and guilty. She said that she can not face anyone with pride. By now my wife had joined us and she took her into her arms consoling that whatever had happened is over and now we need to see what should be done. She sobbingly said that she would never ever think of such thing again.

On my asking she confirmed that she has got the position. I advised her that once she has realised her folly it is best to keep it buried. I further told her that it would be in her interest to leave this organisation at the earliest opportunity. I advised her to start looking for another company as she would now be in better position to bargain. We decided to tell Anuj that she was not willing to speak anything that day as he spoke in such a mistrusting way. We agreed to tell him that she had gone for a meeting with her boss, which he knew that she does, and on the way back he wanted to meet someone staying in that guest house but as the person whom he wanted to meet was not there, they came out within few minutes to go back to office. She swore that she would always remember this and never let her ambition overrule her sense of propriety.

My HomeMy ClubMy MessSagar RatnaFujia at Malcha MargHaldiram in GurgaonNirulasAny place where our children wish me to come along

8 Things I Look Forward To

Inter-action with our grandchildrenInter-action with my friends in Blog spaceWalks with our dog.Reading NewspapersDoing something for the societyCounseling those who ask for helpKeeping good relationsAnything beneficial to someone

8 Things That Happened Yesterday

Played with our son’s daughterRead blogsCommented on few blogsAssisted RWA for stray dog catching operationHouse hold choresSpoke to few friendsWorked out financial plan for AprRelaxed in general

8 Things I love about Winter

Good choice of vegetablesCan go out for work anytimeRelax in sunWatch colourful dresses people wearLots of festivalsEnjoy camp fires when outdoorsCan visit relatives and friendsLonger nights for relaxation

8 Things on my Wish-list

Inculcating good habits in grandchildrenLiving in harmonyTo see end of conflicts in the worldHelp as many youngsters as I canRaise awareness in people to exercise their vote judiciouslyWork with NGOs for empowerment of underprivilegedTo see few more places of interestPray to God to take me in one GO without any lingering

8 Things I am Passionate about

FamilySharing experienceMy faith in GodRelationships.Harmonious living in societyDrivingWritingLogical discussion for benefit of society or someone who needs it

8 Words/Phrases I often use

Stupid Idiot or A H for someone weaving in and out of traffic dangerouslyCome on CHACHA or CHACHI for some one driving like a bullock cart in frontThank youEnough is enough when some one behaves adamantly Nothing more

8 Things I learnt from the past

You got to guard you backDepend on yourself onlyBe logicalTry to maintain level head when facing problem and analyse before taking actionDo not lose temper even if other person does it unreasonablyBe grateful for minor favours tooLive by your conscienceEven when everything seems to be going wrong, remember God is there who knows what is best for us

Tension free life for allGood healthMore time to do what I wish to for othersSense of righteousnessCompany of my near & dear onesDo something for my young friends hereTo be able to write moreInstil self confidence in youngsters

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Amrita and then Sakshi had tagged me some time ago. I am taking up Amrita’s tag first and Sakshi’s will follow soon.

1. A writeup on a kind gesture that someone had done for you which left you speechless :Once in 1984 I and my staff were coming back late in the evening from Poonch to Rajouri in jeep. The water level in the river just out of Poonch was little high and at one point it splashed onto jeep engine. The vehicle started missing from then onwards but we continued hoping to reach destination. After some distance the engine stopped and would not start. It was at an isolated place in the hills with forest all around. It had become quite dark by then. Few vehicles passed by but none stopped even at our signaling. After a long time another jeep coming from opposite direction stopped even without our giving any signal. It was an Army vehicle. The gentleman who came to us was a foreigner and in uniform of an officer belonging to UN forces. On hearing what was the problem, he got our jeep towed back to the nearest habitation on his way. We could get shelter there and move in the morning after getting our jeep rectified. We could not even thank him as he moved off soon after leaving us at that place. I was speechless as it set me thinking would I have stopped to help an unknown person at that isolated spot in the night knowing the history of that area that time.

2. Indebted to someone lifelong..who??My parents. My mother who had been source of encouragement and father who gave me freedom to do my own thing.

3. Want to say "sorry" to someone..who???

My children. I have given them full support for whatever education they wished for and reasonably decent life along with freedom without any strict monitoring except I told them not to do anything which makes us feel ashamed. Even now I am there for whatever they need me for, even financially from whatever meager resources I have but I feel sad as I will not leave any materialistic thing for them.4. Want to say "thank you" to someone ..who??

My wife. She has been with me through thick and thin even when I had been unreasonable.

5. And whats your most cherished possession till date??

I may seem melodramatic but I am very emotional about 2 Swans and 2 Floral beautiful embroideries made by my grandmother before I was born. Other than that reputation and friends’ faith I enjoyed during my career, even now also. 6. A special moment in life which brings along a smile every time you think of it.When I held our few hours old daughter and later few hours old son in my arms. Thereafter their children when they too were tiny, few hours old flashing old memories in my mind.

Ab meri baari to tag a few folks : -All those who like my ramblings and would like to share their memories.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

I had been busy with a friend of mine for some time as he was going through little difficult phase. I am going to share with you what happened and ask for your views. Let us say he is Mr Singh. I have known him for over 20 years. We were staying next door to each other way back in 1989 when we were both in service. We shifted out to different localities after a couple of years but kept in touch. Although we are in the same city but we meet off and on as they are in far part of the city.

Mr Singh is about my age. He is very Godfearing and open minded person. He has very practical approach to everything. He does not keep any grudges and tries to sort out differences by logical discussions. He is now retired from a senior post in Government service. His wife is little different as she, though very good at heart, is too blunt and calls a spade a spade without bothering whether it hurts someone or not. They have a son, Atul, who is working in private sector. They have given Atul a lot of freedom with just one line advice – “ Do not do anything which makes us feel ashamed”. Atul has lived upto their expectations. Though he had had his share of affairs, he told parents to choose girl for his marriage. Mr Singh was very clear in this regard and told him that even while they do find girl for him, he has to meet her and finalise it. Atul was married about a year and half ago to Devina, who’s father too was in senior position in Government.

We had met Devina at engagement and later marriage. Whatever little inter-action we had, she seemed to be an intelligent girl. We hoped that she would settle down in their house without any problem. She too is working at a good position in a MNC. They had welcomed her with not only a lot of love and affection but respect too. They consulted her on all issues pertaining to the family. She was encouraged to suggest menus and outings. She was not burdened with household work keeping in mind her being a working girl but whenever she wanted to do some chore at home Mrs Singh let her do it giving a helping hand.

We visited them 6 or 7 times after marriage and we found Devina to be away to her parents place most of the times. We did think much about it. Last month I ran into Mr Singh at a seminar which was organized by a NGO on Child Labour. He did not seem his ownself and looked little pre-occupied in his thoughts. After seminar I invited him to join me in my club for a drink and offered to drop him home as he had not come by his own car.

As we have nice healthy relations, over the drink I asked him if I could help him overcome whatever is keeping him distracted. He opened up and what he said made me wonder is there A GOD.

A few days after marriage Devina told Atul that she was in love with someone but could not make her father agree for their marriage. Atul stopped her there itself saying that he too had had affairs and past is past. They should not think or talk about it and spoil their present. It was seen that she was mostly on phone, cordless or mobile, talking to someone moving away from everyone or in whispered tone. After a couple of months she asked Atul to shift and live separately closer to her parents. Atul flatly refused it. Thereafter she started picking arguments on some issue or the other and moved to her parents house. She used to come back after a couple of weeks. Her father did not say anything to her on this but rather told Atul that she can stay with them as long as and whenever she pleases. He too told Mr Singh once as to why does he not let youngsters stay independently to have space. Mr Singh told him that it was upto Atul and as far as space was concerned he and his wife never interfered in what Atul and Devina did. He told me that she has been away now for more than 2 months insisting that they live separately but Atul has refused. He had even advised Atul to move out for sake of his marriage but he did not agree. He said that it is now getting on his nerves and all his efforts to bring harmony have failed. He told that it is certain that her father interferes too much in their affairs. He said that he would not speak to him but let Atul sort it out. He even made a statement which was very unlike him that he would like to call it a day now from this world. All I could do was to tell him to take it easy and things would get better as long as Atul is not losing his balance. That is when he told that Atul had started drinking little more than he used to.

That is what made me wonder Is There A God. Or is God testing this nice couple for their patience? What makes Devina indulge in this kind of behavior? Does her father not want her to settle down happily with her new family?

I could just keep in touch with Mr Singh on phone and meeting him a number of times to see that he does not take any wrong step. Now he seems to have regained his composure and advised her to return but she is still at her parents house.

09:25:30 PM

About Me

63 years old grandfather who believes that children should be given their due. Have been more of a friend than father to my children and would keep the same for their children. Offer to show options to those youngsters who feel confused but they have to take their own decisions.
Kindly visit my other space too, if you find time at
o3.indiatimes.com/niceguy251