Five things Tiger Woods should say at mea culpa media event

Tiger Woods won’t be answering any questions when he steps in front of the cameras this Friday to admit the errors of his ways. It’s a first step, his agent explains, in the “the process of making amends” to all those that have been adversely affected by a still somewhat unraveling sex scandal that’s led to his three-month absence from the links.

“Tiger plans to discuss his past and his future and he intends to apologize for his behavior,” agent Mark Steinberg said in a statement released yesterday. It will be the first words publicly uttered by Woods since police found him bloody and bruised, sprawled in the middle of the street near his crashed SUV in front of his Windermere, Fla. mansion in November of 2009.

While Friday’s appearance won’t give the press the golden opportunity to question Tiger about that fateful night, it at least provides us a platform on which we can advise him of the things he perhaps should be thinking and saying. To wit:

1) With Ruben Studdard’s ‘Sorry 2004’ subliminally playing in the background, the first words and sentiments Tiger should express is I’m sorry. Then, he should say it again, and again and again. Just like Ruben.

2) “From this day forward, I plan to live my life as…” That’s the billion-dollar question. Tiger needs to redefine himself to us in terms of what kind of man he has chosen to be. Married? Bachelor? Playboy? Only then can we put him in the context of what can legitimately be expected of him.

3) While admitting that his failures have been a soulful revelation, Woods should also take a moment to address the climate that largely made his actions and those of many other sports stars so common. Athletes are not perfect people, no matter what extraordinary feats they are able to perform. And until these athletes and the public-at-large accept that rather obvious reality there will be other disappointments similar to his own. In short, we all have some growing yet to do.

4) “Please pray for me, because I simply can’t afford to do this anymore.” Not only would similar transgressions almost certainly end Woods already stretched-to-the-limits marriage, expert estimates peg his personal losses since this fiasco well into the tens of millions. In addition, the PGA Tour is projected to have lost as much as $220 million and shorts for the largest of his investors and sponsors are estimated to be as high as $12 billion.

5) Promise your fans that from now on your will concentrate on golf and little else. “Golf fans get ready! I can’t remember a time—certainly not since 1996 when I first became a pro—when I’ve had my (roving) eye so focused on golf. Other than my family, Jack Nicklaus will be the next most important person in my life.”