July 27th, 2010

bad luck lately @ 12:58 am

because I told my friend I was stealing his pashminaand put it on in the cold subway carand noticed its beautiful qualitythen realized a family of Indians were staring at me as if I were a saintI took off my headphones to hear themasked the girl to take my picturejumped off at Jay streetbut realized I could get Lemons if I stayed on til west 4thso jumped back onto wait after shopping

because I wanted to get some Chyavanprash for Leoand this would be the best timeI got off at 2nd avewith a feeling of proprietyand walked the streets with a powerful feeling of nostalgianow closed out of thiswhich I never fit well anywayI walked to the indian grocery on 1st near 6th and wandered

because I took a few drags

because I've been such a drag latelyand wish I could just lighten up

because my best friend is dying of liver cancer and there's nothing I can do

because i had more than a glass of wine at dinnerthough I'd fasted all dayI wanted to show there was no hard feelings by staying to eat with themeven though I really wanted to rush home after teaching yogahe paid me for both days todayusually just oneso I had an extra $100 in my walletwhich was buried under the three cloths my friend who always forgets things left at their houseI promised to fetch them for himtwo sarongs and a pashmina

because I was jealous of my friend having a day full of lovingwhere I spent the night feeling put outtraveling too farnot sleeping enoughto have sex with someone I've closed my heart tobecause I feel he abused mebecause I loved the sex I had with himand denied me steadily until I became dispassionate with himand closed my heartbit took his bait anyway and put myself outthen gave a massage the next dayfeeling drained and fed uponby a guy who said I presented myself as positivebut was just as negative and depressive as he wasbut there I wasanother $120 in my wallet

because I tried to be niceand it was okbut ate with him out of politenessthen felt too hot and heavy to enjoy being at Spa Castle fullyand felt spaced and tired from sex and sleep deprivationwe surfacedand I wanted to make a phone callbut as soon as it was doneit jumped out of my pocket somehowand cracked the glass on the front of the screenI'd put $300 in my wallet in 50s to buy the new phone whenever they got one inbecause I've been waiting for the white oneand they've been sold out since they went on saleand they just announced the white one isn't being made coz it can't be perfectjust like that

because I touched my belt yesterday and thought about those biker walletsand how a chain wallet would be nice when I replace this one

because I've been thinking of closing my account at bank of America and opening one at Chase anyway

because I saw a picture of myself today...but where?in my dreams?one from before that German street parade I bought this one atand I was still wearing the button coin purse I got in Peru(that I lost one night in a cab in London while wearing pants, like these, without belt loops)

because I was wearing pants like this when my phone jumped out of the pocketbut not these...

because I was cleaning the house all day todaytalking on the phone for hourswhen he calledI called him a douchebagcoz he said he'd be over no later than twoand there it wasquarter to fivewhich I didn't noticeand was rushingbecause I'm always lateso didn't change pantsjust put my metrocard in my pocket and my wallet in my bagmy bag I got from my fatherthat I rarely ever zip upbecause it's an old bag and the zippers are huge and stiff

because I always keep $100 in my walletno more, in case I lose itso I won't lose very much$40 hidden in the backand I never really worry about losing itbecause it's always on my belt

because if been thinking about him all dayfor daysbutsubliminallyso didn't noticebut he called meand I felt like someone loved mebecause I was so sadunder the full moonand we were fightingbut we knew we liked to fightand were talkingI was so insecureI always amscared and stupidand he told me he'd teach me to be a slavebut I was.. am.. still all angry that I have to pay him to live me the way I've always wanted a friend to love meI'm obviously not good enoughI feelmy love being worth littlemoney must accompany it

because the trains were fulland one door was jammed by two deformed adults in mechanized wheelchairsthe man constantly making jokes to offset his uncomfort and making fag jokes about a furry Dominican daddyfunny! ha!but what a sorry lot in lifebut one of my best friends here broke his nose yesterdayreally, why would I complain?

because after paying for more than I had intended to get at the indian grocery store on 1st ave near 6th streetI tucked my wallet into my bag crammed with clothin a hazeand walked by a fruit stand thinking I should stop and get lemonsbut walking on anywaywhen turning on St Mark's I realized I was missing somethingand reached into my bag to find my wallet gonereally gonegone goneover $500 goneand my ID, driver's license from Californiacredit card and debitEBT and 8gb flash stickgonea stack of my moo cardsif they'd want to return itI walked my pathnot even five minutes from when my wallet was last in my handit could have fallen outbut this is an area famous for junkies and thievesof course I didn't find itbut was glad my metrocard was in my pocketand what was left of my phone was still in my bag

because i looked up at the moon and asked "Why? WHY?"and wonderedwhat is this luck?and why do i have so much of it right now?

Comments

Luck of any kind flows in the day with our feelingsIt minds it's own path that may or may not flow with our wishes

But luck has a way of bending our world to a will that can cause things we can't imagine on our own, and it can bring the worse case, either way.

If we drift along, let the winds of the world take us, often luck is just as fickel and sweeps us in random places. If we take a firm hold luck will often fight us. But if we take a contol in a resonable way often luck seems to favor us, if we listen.

The last part is the part that makes it work. You have to hear the universe speak to you in it's own way, and follow the path you need to follow, and it may not be the one you want but it usually is a good path.

How have you held your own fate as of late. Perhaps this luck is the universe telling you something, if you listen, you may see the path you need to take, if you only cry out, it will continue to press until the path it wants you on is past then the random change will rule until a new possability presents and a gentle pressure moves you there.

In my past, when I ignore the wind, there is a price to pay, a penance of some kind.

But I know I am not you, nor you me. How fate and the universe treat you and I are in the ways we may see. I do know, when we fight the path we should take, there is a price. Usually not so obvious.

I spoke because you asked, why. Plus this picture spoke to me, it has a resonance.

hmmm... I sympathize but...

My life is simple, little money, a home, food, music and a mate, I need little, I am happy, I am sympathetic but I cannot identify. I wish you solventcy, equity and love - were you here I would hold you with no agenda.