AIDS

A researcher at the prestigious Harvard School of Medicine has found a cure for HIV and AIDS – something that doctors have been working on for nearly 40 years.

“It’s actually really simple,” said Dr. Marvin Hoek, who has been working on the project for over a decade. “The answer was right under our nose the whole time, and we have found a way to completely eradicate AIDS and HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in people.”

Dr. Hoek says that he began clinical trials in 2008, and stumbled across the cure in 2015.

“I have been working since that time to find a cure for what the AIDS cure causes, which is cancer.

According to Dr. Hoek, he says that in the over 10,000 cases of AIDS that he has eradicated, every single one of the patients ended up contracting cancer, and dying anyway.

“It’s really kind of a win-lose situation at this point in time, but we’re still working on the kinks right now,” said Dr. Hoek.

Hoek plans to publish the full scope of his work in the January 2018 Journal of Independent Medicine.

John Johnson, 38, was diagnosed with bone cancer in 2013, and was given 6 months to a year to live by his doctors. Today, Johnson is cancer free, thanks to what he says is the “life giver,” otherwise known as AIDS.

“When the doctors told me I had 6 months left, I was a mess,” said Johnson. “After a week or so, I pulled myself together, and I went out on the town. Nay, I went out on the country! I started traveling, and, frankly, I fucked anything that moved. It was a great time, but then I started noticing that I was losing some serious weight. I thought it was the cancer, but I was wrong.”

Much to his surprise, a return visit to his doctor shows that Johnson had completely beaten cancer, but that he had contracted AIDS.

“It’s crazy to me that all this time, the cure to cancer was right there in front of us,” said Johnson. “It makes total sense where there are no people with AIDS who also have cancer. It seems that the two diseases simply cancel each other out.”

According to his doctors, Johnson will live a life free of cancer, but that his outlook with AIDS is grim; they expect that he will not see the end of 2016.

“Hey, they’ve been wrong before, you know?” said Johnson. “At this point, I’m just going to keep doing my thing, and the good Lord Satan will take me whenever he’s ready to. Not much I can do except enjoy this time!”

John Ryan, 32, is suing Felicia Jones, 26, after contracting HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in a sexual encounter. Ryan says that although he was raping Jones at the time, she should have informed him that she had the virus, and because she didn’t, he is entitled to “everything she has.”

“Just because I grabbed her off the running path in the park, took her into the woods, and raped her, doesn’t mean that she has the right to hide her disease from me,” said Ryan, who has been arrested for sexual assault in the past, although the charges were later dropped. “Because she didn’t say anything, I now have HIV, and my life is essentially ruined.”

The law in most states, including California, says that if you are a carrier of HIV or AIDs, you must inform all sexual partners beforehand, or face possible arrest and prosecution for manslaughter.

“Ms. Jones was fully able to explain to me that she had the disease, as I did not cover her mouth like I’ve done to other women in the past,” said Ryan. “I may have decked her in the mouth a few times, but a little blood is not stopping her from saying ‘hold on a minute, I have HIV.'”

Jones says that she was terrified in the situation, and that her condition was not at the forefront of her mind.

“That bastard was raping me, and telling him that I was sick probably wouldn’t have stopped him anyway,” said Jones. “I was scared, and I thought he might kill me. That’s what I was thinking about. My lawyer has advised me not to say that I think he deserves what he got, but let me just say that I’m certainly not sorry.”

Jones contracted the virus two years ago during a blood transfusion after a bad car accident.

It’s not just the artificial chemicals they put in the cleaning products that may cause you to get sick. When your body’s bacteria does not build up with a protective layering of grease or an oily repellent with the consistency of soap scum, you’re going to get infected with diseases and viruses. That grease is what shields your body.

“In the old days they believed taking a bath wasn’t good for you. We’ve started to see there actually was a bit of wisdom in that,” said scientist George Rogers. “Bathing too frequently really can cause a host of diseases, up to and including Cancer. Sure you won’t smell like Garnier Fructis or Downy fresh, but that’s better than cancer and chemo.”

According to Rogers’ study, washing is both bad for your complexion and your hair. You become addicted to it and produce more grease to compensate.

“Sure, for a while you will go through an oily phase as your body readjusts. Once your body is back in balance, no one will be able to tell you don’t start your day with a shower,” said Rogers. “Please, for your health and your family’s health, stop bathing immediately.”

Charlie Sheen went on the Today show earlier this week to announce something that he and several close confidants had known for years; Sheen is HIV positive.

Reportedly receiving the diagnosis from doctors over 4 years ago, Sheen said to Matt Lauer on Today that was not sure how he contracted the disease, or from whom, but later that day reflected that it was entirely possible that he had gotten it from a tainted source of tiger’s blood.

“I suppose people thought I as joking when I would reference having tiger’s blood, but I wasn’t kidding,” said Sheen. “I really did have many, many transfusions of fresh-squeezed tiger blood injected into my own. I thought it would make me stronger, and able to do mountains more cocaine than I already was. In the end, maybe it was a bad idea.”

If it’s true that Sheen contracted the disease from tainted tiger blood, it would be the first case of the FIV virus, the feline version of HIV, being transferred to a human.

After hedge-fund magnate Martin Shkreli announced that he would be raising the prices of Daraprim, a drug used to fight AIDS, from $13.50 to $750 per pill, several other companies decided to follow suit by drastically raising prices, including Johnson & Johnson, the trademark owners for the drug Tylenol.

“Frankly, a lot more people get headaches than have AIDS in this country,” said Johnson & Johnson spokesman Larry Myers. “If [Shkreli] is going to raise his prices on such a niche drug, and people will still have to buy it, then Tylenol is in an even better position to raise prices, as many, many more people use Tylenol on a regular basis than would ever use Daraprim.”

Myers says that the average cost of an individual Tylenol pill previously was about 17 cents, or about $8.99 for a bottle of 50 Tylenol pills. Tylenol PM, which is their number-one selling version of Tylenol, sold for about 27 cents previously, or about $13.99 for a bottle of 50.

“Tylenol PM, which many people in North America rely on to sleep easily at night, and wake up pain-free, will also be dramatically increased as well,” said Myers. “We expect to fetch around $800 per pill for the PM version of our flagship drug.”

Myers says that the price increase will not happen overnight, but that consumers should expect to see prices rising slowly over the next several months.

“If Shkreli can do it with Daraprim, then we can do it, too,” said Myers. “I sincerely hope that other drug companies realize that they should not be giving away their product so cheaply, and follow suit by bending customers over, and painfully raping them hard, right in their wallets. If only that monetary rape was a pain they needed Tylenol to get rid of, too.”

Bill McGregor may soon be a household name. The father of five and microphysicist believes he has found the long sought after cure for AIDS. What’s more, he claims it is very simple and has little to do with science.

“It’s been staring us in the face, all this time, and somehow all the greatest minds of our generation have missed it,” McGregor told a gathering of AIDS specialists. “It comes down to basic common sense. In fact, I got the idea from my newborn daughter.”

The AIDS virus came to medical attention in 1981, spreading mainly among homosexuals, but soon became an epidemic. It spread globally, leading to a particularly huge number of casualties on the African continent. Scientists and doctors have spent the three decades since trying to find a cure for it, as well as a vaccine, with little success. Only recently has treatment made it possible for victims to live with the disease.

It is in this context that McGregor’s discovery is seen. If proven effective, it will bring relief to hundreds of millions of patients, both now and in the future.

“What it comes down to, is infecting the patient with another, more deadly virus, or inflicting immense physical damage on them,” McGregor told his colleagues. “Once they have contracted, for example, Ebola, they are no longer at risk of dying from AIDS. It’s really quite remarkable.”

His inspiration came, he explained, when he accidentally threw his newborn child against a wall.

“We were really worried about Amy at the time, because she was born with a heart defect. Doctors told us she could live a relatively long life, but would have to have regular surgery and blood transfusions. After the accident, the doctors gave her ten hours to live, and we realized her heart problems were over. Since then I’ve been urging other parents of defective children to do the same, and it didn’t take long for me to theorize that the same treatment would work effectively against AIDS.”

McGregor has been hailed as a genius, and is expected to win a Nobel Prize for his contributions to medical science.