Why do I need to set out ground rules for my relative?

Ground rules are basic principles that you may want to ask your relative to follow. As they are caring for your child they will need to be happy to do things your way.

Talk to them about how you can make the relationship a cooperative and happy one. Make your views clear from the start on issues such as discipline, food and activities for your child.

How can I go about asking my relative to follow ground rules?

It's best to set up clear lines of communication from the start so you can both easily share questions, comments and concerns. So if there are any specific ground rules you'd like your relative to follow, talk it through with them.

Discuss hours, time off, and anything else that comes to mind, and both of you should sign it to show you're happy with the rules. You could even write down a list of guidelines or reminders of things they need to do each day.

Once your relative is looking after your child, try to have a five minute chat every day to find out how things are going. Your relative may have good ideas and suggestions, so work together to sort out any problems.

What sort of ground rules should I ask my relative to follow?

If you are comfortable with a relative caring for your child, the chances are that you already have similar views on childcare. However, it's important to agree on how to handle the following issues:

Discipline. Be clear how your relative should deal with your child if she is naughty or throws a tantrum. Give a few examples of what you do so your relative understands your approach. Be clear if you don't hit or smack your child. This is a touchy issue, and one that may be particularly difficult to discuss with a family member.

Food. Talk about how, when and what you want your child to eat. If you have a baby, make it clear when you want her to start solids, and that this is not negotiable. If you have a toddler, make a list of suggested snacks and lunches. If you think your relative will find it hard to follow your recommendations, prepare your child's food in advance.

Sleep. When does your child nap? For how long? Should your toddler still be having an afternoon nap? Bring your relative up to speed on your child's sleep habits and make sure your child has a quiet, safe, clean place for daytime naps.

Crying. How long should your relative let your child cry before going to her? This can be a controversial subject, so deal with it tactfully. If your relative disagrees with your approach, you may not be able to change their mind overnight. But if you explain your position and perhaps give them something to read about your approach to sleep, they may come round.

Playtime. Give your relative a list of the sorts of activities you want your child to be involved in, acceptable toys for her to play with, and guidelines for watching television. If your relative is caring for your child at their house, you may prefer to take a selection of favourite toys, books, games and videos. Also make sure they will take your child to the local playground or let her play in the garden.

You may also want to talk to your relative about any visitors they may have when they're caring for your child. Be reasonable and accept that if they want a friend over for coffee this won't get in the way of their responsibilities with your child. You may, however, prefer them not to have a crowd of friends over for a whole morning.

What should I do if my relative disagrees with the ground rules?

If your relative disagrees with your approach, choose your battles carefully. You may have to decide what's really important to you and insist they follow certain ground rules, and introduce other issues more gradually.

However, even though your relative is doing you a favour by helping with childcare, it's up to you how your child is cared for. If you feel strongly about a certain issue, then be firm that you'd like your relative to do things your way.

It may help to discuss problems and concerns from your child's viewpoint. Instead of telling your relative that you don't like something they are doing, try phrasing it like this: "Lizzy is such an active child that she might enjoy taking a walk to the playground every day. What do you think?"

If your relative has agreed to care for your child, chances are they will be happy to follow your ground rules. Also be open to the idea that they might have some good ideas, too.

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