Valentine’s Day is once again nearly upon us. This seemed like the perfect opportunity for an Etsy gift guide.

For those of you who need to find a gift, perhaps some of these suggestions will be helpful, at least as a guide on what NOT to buy. To my single readers, The majority of these items should make you grateful you’re alone (if you weren’t already).

As usual, links to the items for sale appear below each picture. For more Etsy fun, check out all my weekly Etsomnia™ posts.

I know that breast scarves are sometimes worn in support of someone with breast cancer. However, I feel this seller may have gotten a bit carried away.

Giving your love roses but need an uncircumcised vase to put them in? How about this “Vintage Pink Valentine’s Vase?”

Not entirely sure how romantic this is, but it certainly is stylish! Hooked on you fishing lure by WyomingCreative

Having trouble finding love? Why not try this “Saint Tina Belcher Prayer Candle” to help you “Pray for your heart to poop its pants.” Sold by HolyPopCulture

On the list of things NOT to get your girlfriend for Valentine’s Day (or ever), a picture of a hippo that reads “Love to have fun, especially to eat” would be near the top. By NatalPrint.

Dear straight girls, If he’s willing to wear one of these, you’re getting dangerously close to sitcom territory. And you do NOT want to live a sitcom. Trust me, I am speaking from experience.

If you are going to buy your paramour lingerie, please make sure of the following two things: 1. it’s the right size (I cannot overemphasize how important this is), and 2. it’s not total crap.

This romantic item appeared on the curated Etsy Valentine’s Day Gift list. Murder by Etsy seems like such an undignified way to go.

While it’s too late to have this made for V-Day, it would make a really beautiful anniversary gift. Your vows painted on a canvas by TheStandardCanvas

I don’t generally go in for heart-shaped things, but this is hardcore enough to be irresistible! By BunnyPaige

On the other hand, this is a little literal for my taste. Of course, if your beloved is a coroner, go for it. By DellaMorteco

No matter how well you think you know Etsy, no matter how convinced you are that their curated lists won’t surprise you, you will be proven wrong. Every. Single. Time. (Good news! This excessively freaky mask also comes in pink!)

You know what a sucker I am for tiny paintings, but this one is a little too twee for me to hang. I would, however, sneak it out of my sock drawer to admire when I thought no one was looking. By HeatherAnnOrlando

I am ashamed to admit that I’m sort of diggin’ that mask… Not pink, though. 😉

I swear, this blog is like an oxygen hit – when I’m having a sucky work life (every, single DAY these days) these posts always cheer me up. (I’m thinking I really need a good career counselor since I feel like I’m in a permanent rut.)