Friday, December 02, 2005

telus is an ass

I misplace my cell phone a couple of times a month. Usually it slides out of my pocket or bag. When I notice it missing I retrace my steps, and phone it using another phone. When I hear the ringing I dig it out from under the cat or take it out of the vegetable crisper in the fridge and Bob's your Uncle.

So when I couldn't find my phone last night I wasn't too worried. Until I called it, and got instant voicemail. Hmmm, my phone was turned on when I last remember having it, so it should ring. Now I couldn't use the ring as a locator, and I couldn't find it in my pocket, briefcase, under the seat of the car, in the usual spots where I set things down and forget them. I had worked late at an elementary school teaching cupcake-making, then run a couple of errands. It could be anywhere. And the voicemail meant it's powered down - like if it flew off the roof of my car along the Barnet Highway and smashed to bits, or that someone has found it and is making calls to Hong Kong right now!!!

(At this point I know my friends who do not have cell phones are saying, "You see, that's why I do not have a cell phone.")

My phone is actually a work phone that I'm allowed to use for personal calls as long as I reimburse the city. I pay anywhere from $6 to $30 per month, depending on how much my kids and husband call me. So it's a good deal. If I had my own phone it would be $45 per month, and this way I don't have to pack two phones. (I know the aforementioned friends are saying, "you don't have to pack any phones Mrs. Sillypants.")

Anyway, I decided the best thing to do was to get my number turned off until I relocate/replace the phone, so at least nobody can use it to rack up a huge bill for my employer. When you are preparing to ask your boss to buy you a new phone, it's good to not also have a mega-thousand dollar phone bill.

How to phone Mobility? I was pooped and didn't want to dig up a phone bill to find it. Our phone directories are useless. Andy was playing poker on the internet. I called 411.

Automated voice asked "what city?" I figured I'd probably soon be talking to someone in Manila, the Philippines, but I guessed and said "Burnaby." Automated voice asked, "for what type of listing?" Business. Automated voiced asked for the name of the business. I said, clearly "Telus Mobility." (Remember, I am calling Telus and asking for their own number.)

Automated voice said, "I think you asked for.....Talula Bunkenfunkus, Registered Psychologist. Is that correct?" NO! Automated voice said, "Sorry, please repeat the name of the business." TELUS MOBILITY. Again, "I think you asked for.....Talula Bunkenfunkus, Registered Psychologist. Is that correct?" NOOOOOOO! Now I repeat with condescending enunciation (if one can be condescending to a computerized voice-recognition system:TEL-US MO-BIL-I-TY"One moment please while I transfer your call."Real person comes on the line. I blurt: I lost my cell. I need to talk to someone in Mobility."For which city?"Oh, what the heck - Dusseldorf! No, sorry, I don't know which city. I need the call centre to turn off my phone so nobody can find it and use it."Please hold for the toll-free number."

So I write down the number and call it, and of course a recorded message tells me there's a local number, which I phone and the office is now closed because it closes at 10pm, and hey, it's already 9:53pm but I can suspend my number online (only my husband is now playing poker with a guy who is in jail, or at least pretending to be a guy in jail) so I press 2 which is the other option and Mr. Surly-french-accent comes on.

I explain. He asks for my PIN - I don't know it. I know my voicemail password "That's just your voicemail password, I don't need that." oh. He suspends my number anyway, voice dripping icicles. So, I ask in parting, what do I do when I get a new phone or find my lost phone?