Tuesday, May 26, 2015

In her opening spiel, Kaitlyn tells us "I never thought I'd get a second chance at love..."

Oh. Really.

I do believe the proper sentiment would have been "I never thought I'd get a second chance at love... ON NATIONAL TV."

This post is dedicated to one of my nearest and dearest, J. F. Grano. In addition to being one of my nearest and dearest, and just a huge fan in general, Jessica has a 7 year old daughter, Izzie, that I'm pretty sure is my spirit animal. After they watched the Dancing with the Stars finale last week, her kids saw the first couple of minutes of The Bachelorette. Her oldest daughter rolled her eyes at the premise. Izzie, however, was sucked in from the first second, and declared that this was basically the best show that could have ever been conceived by anyone, ever. And all day on Tuesday she kept asking, "When can we watch more of that amazing show that we saw last night??"

Here's to you, Jessica!

Legal disclaimer: None of this is meant to be slander. Just meant to be funny. In case NO ONE has been paying ANY attention, I live to draw a good chuckle from my fellow man. And in case any of our friends at home were wondering, my quest to be the favorite of EVERYONE is still on-going. This weekend I went to a birthday party for a colleague and on the way out, one of his friends said goodbye to my co-worker Levi and remarked, "So let's do some rock-climbing soon, yeah?"I immediately stepped in front of Levi and said to this man (whom I barely knew) "Yes, but you should take ME rock climbing, because I'm... the best. So forget Levi. Focus on Grace."

(And now the answer to your subsequent question is yes, it IS exhausting to pursue being a constant favorite. Egg-zausting.)

Moving on, quick question: have we ever seen Chris Harrison take a drink of a beverage, EVER? I’m not sure what to make out of America’s favorite host taking a giant swig out of a Ball jar as he talks to our Bachelorette… We see footage of him talking to Kaitlyn, interspersed with footage of the guys (also worth noting that the dentist has now been named "Cupcake." I'm into it.) We see Vin Diesel offering a mimosa toast... I'm into that, too.

Hare talks to Kaitlyn about moving forward as The Bachelorette, but of course, he turns the topic to Britt... Cue "All By Myself," as we see America's second favorite Bachelorette crying alone on her hotel bed (again the BREACH OF CONTRACT with that phone call to Mama...) when lo and behold, who knocks on the door?

Tom Brady.

Brady’s pants are too tight. That is the first thing I have to say. Second thing I have to say is that Britt had a copy of Sarah Young’s JesusCalling on top of her stack of… journals? Contracts? Whatever that stack o' papers was, she had a copy of the devotional book that out-sold Fifty Shades of Grey in 2013 on top of it. Good work, B.

Observations:
- The sound effects of fists hitting the punching bag, in the set up footage of the date… #ThankTheInterns

- Loving the dramatic build up to revealing Laila Ali, hoodie and all… Also loving how they’re setting up a romance between Laila and Kupah. Am I wrong?

- Ohhh there’s the token line from Laila about how boxing is like love…

- I need the record to show like Tanner more and more, each time we see him.

- Anyone remember that photo editing program called “Picasso?” You could give rosy hues to photos, or soften the edges… THAT’S what I think they used to put the line of dudes in slow motion as they walked into the boxing ring. #Internz #ThanksToOurSponsors #Everlast #EverlastingLove

- Dudes fighting each other… Wait - dudes doing ANYTHING that stirs up massive levels of testosterone in the presence of a lady… The worst idea EVER. Seriously they are all going to end up dead. And this isn't even weird olive oil fighting, like it was on Ali's season, it's just straight up HITTING each other...

- Clearly Kaitlyn has no memory of hearing that what’s-his-face had a kid named Aurelius. I distinctly remember remarking on that last week... (Obviously the kid's name made more of an impression on me than the dude's name. Turns out it was Justin.)

- Personally, I wouldn’t have opened that note in front of the Nashville fashion designer. But I'm betting they waited until she was mid-conversation to deliver it to her. Either way, I hope Amy Shumer is the one that’s downstairs. Oh… it’s hopsital-released Jared. Kaitlyn described their kiss as "hott." This guy is in neon yellow shorts and converses, and apparently their kiss was "hot…" (I KNOW this is coming from the girl who owns two sets of Vibram Five Finger Shoes, but I'm JUST saying...)

Questions I have:

- Just one: why are Kaitlyn’s eyes so puffy? I mean those are some first class, grade A, I-stayed-up-ALL-night-crying Puffy Eyes. Am I wrong?

Memorable Quotes:

- “My idea of going to the gym is sitting in the steam room for thirty minutes…” TANNER. I ENDORSE ALL OF YOU.

I'll sauna while you steam...

- “Ben Z. makes me feel... like myself.” While I WOULD like to see a little more variation in Ben’s smooching (SAID IT!) but I’m not mad about this sentiment. Ben Z. got the rose.

One on One Date:
Clint… You take my breath away

Nailed it.

Can we take a moment to acknowledge that I have no idea who Clint is? I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t VERY familiar with who went on the first one on one… Ohhhhh wait. This is the guy who drew Hare on a dinosaur. Ok, ok, I'm back on track...

Observations:

- While she leads them through warm up/breathing exercises, all I can think is that this photographer needs to take some lessons from the sex therapist. Speaking of sex therapist, if Carly ISN'T on Bachelor in Paradise, Im'ma have things ta SAY.

- So we learn that Clint is a man of a few words… I like that Kaitlyn remarked that he brings out her romantic side, but… he really just has so very few words… So few.

Questions I have:

- Did anybody else see Clint getting kind of handsy with the photographer?

- Any girl who’s worn anything strapless near ANY body of water will share my question: How many nip-slips were there in those strapless dresses? THE STRUGGLE IS SO REAL.

- Ok I’m SORRY to be the one to ask, but is that a massive zit on Clint’s neck? Or a bug bite? Whatever. He got a rose.

Memorable quotes:

- “Love is selfless. Love is given. It’s not something you have to fight for.” Spiritual Gangsta Tony isn’t even on this date, but BOY is he lighting up the night with his insights right now…Group Date:
JJ, Jonathan, Joshua Chris, Ian, Joe, Tony
"Stand Up for Love"

SHUT UP for love.

Observations:

- Quick story about Amy Schumer: one time I made my parents watch a clip from Inside Amy Schumer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGXnlFLC0Ck it pretty much sums up my problem with everyone I know. A few weeks later, Big Daddy called me and said “I was listening to NPR and that friend of yours was on there…”

Grace: Allison Norris? (The only friend I have who would be on NPR)

BigDaddy: No that friend who is a writer…

Grace: That friend who is a writer…?

BD: Yeah, I think her name is Amy?

Grace: Dad, I have zero friends named Amy that are writers…

BD: You know the one who you showed us that funny sketch that she did…

Grace: OHHHHHH AMY SCHUMER.

BD: Yes! Her!

...needless to say: So so glad “my friend Amy” got some air time, tonight.

- Honestly I was pretty disappointed by Tony’s piece… They set us up for him to be SO bad and he just kind of... was there. Of course, we truly have no idea how any of the acts were received, because they could have completely cut and pasted that laughter into different sequences, but I was still expecting WAY weirder stuff from Tony...

Memorable quotes:

- “Nightmare Fuel “ and “Tony is bringing his own demise…” are two verbal gems that we have from JJ… I still don’t think I like JJ, but I don’t think I hate the way he speaks…

- Just for the record, Tony has said “Surprise, surprise” THREE times now. And we're not even ON the date yet.

- “Is she supportive?” Tony earnestly asks Justin (who still has his shades on his head even though the sun went down LONG ago). “Cause I’m intense… and I think what I’m really looking for is for her to be open tomorrow…” and then he called her Britt. I hope this guy gets a LOT of air time.

- My friend Amy, to Kaitlyn: “Be honest with me… we’re sisters, now. So if I hook up with two of the guys… Would you be mad?”

- My friend Amy, on JJ: “Maybe when he gets a chance to see the show he’ll reflect on himself a little bit and not be such a turd…”

- Let us note: Welder is a "love-virgin." His words, not mine.

- “I’m not here for her. I’m here for US.” I have no idea where Tony is going with ANY of this speech right now… Apparently neither does Kentucky Joe…

Questions I have:

- Why does JJ live with his parents? Isn’t he an Investment Banker? So glad my friend Amy reacted to him the way that she did...

- I liked JJ for the fifteen seconds that he was talking about his daughter. But then he said he’d lay fifty grand on the fact that he was getting a rose… HEY JJ, WHY DON’T YOU PUT THAT FIFTY GRAND TOWARDS A HOUSE??!

Cocktail party:

- Whoaaaa that dress of Kaitlyn's. That's a lot. (or LACK OF a lot, as it were...)

- I need everyone to note that we are calling JJ’s behavior a “power move.” Not “swooping” or “getting a target on his back,” but a “power move.”

- So Ian shared his story about the car accident… AND THEN HAD THE SMOOTHEST SEGUE THAT ANYONE HAS EVER HAD ON THIS SHOW. (So smooth that I don’t really remember it, but it was something about how he "gave his all" when he was getting better, and he's "giving his all" right now with Kaitlyn... I wholeheartedly endorse Kaitlyn's description of "being beside herself at this human being.")

- Ok but then Kaitlyn and Kupah’s conversation DIEEEEEE... Just to be clear: NO ONE got an easy out, in this instance. Everyone had to keep putting feet into mouths. Kaitlyn had to defend herself. Kupah had to defend himself. Kaitlyn had to tell him she needed some time, because she was obviously too uncomfortable to send him home right then... Ohhhh but then she overheard him. And dragged him out front (why were his suspenders down?) Upon her declaration that he needed to go home, he responded with: “I don’t wanna go home. You’re hot.”

No show will ever be greater than this show.

And since I was watching in real time (reminder: TV to converter box to antennae by the window) I have a few commercials upon which I'd like to remark:

1) Jennifer Aniston does NOT use Aveeno. There is no way. I'm sure she gets HUGE gift baskets full of free Aveeno that she subsequently pawns off on her assistant, and her assistant's assistant, but there is ZERO way that this woman uses drugstore moisturizer.

2) In case anyone was wondering: yes, it IS terrifying to see commercials for SanAndreas, when you live in Los Angeles...

3) Just for the record, out of Sprint, T-Mobile, and Verizon… T-Mobile is winning me over right now, solely based on advertisements…

4) Is Alyssa Milano not on the next season of Mistresses? Not that I want to dignify an OUNCE of that show with any commentary whatsoever, but why is she not in the promos? I absolutely DO NOT care enough to actually look into it, but I am curious...

5) Ohhhh Jesse Palmer on Good Morning America? Clearly he is still under contract with ABC... Does ANYONE remember that crazy girl Trish that came back and interrupted his one on one date? The same one that was intentionally eating burgers while the other girls were doing lunges? ELISA GOODRICH, I'M COUNTING ON YOU TO REMEMBER THIS...

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Second things second:Absolutely none of these words are malintended. No, "malintended" isn't technically a word, but Shakespeare got to make up his own words, so I'm taking the same liberties. This isn't meant to be mean, it's meant to be hilarious. So there's the disclaimer. For all other legal questions and concerns, please see my lawyer. (Spoiler alert: he's two years older than I, bears remarkable resemblance and also shares the same last name)

Ok we're nineteen seconds into the promo and I already have two major questions.

1) Was it REALLY necessary to spend gas on TWO
limos, en route to Bachelor mansion? THERE IS A DROUGHT IN LOS ANGELES, PEOPLE, DO WHAT YOU CAN.

2) Also, how much did it cost to have that
rose box custom made?? To have the carpenter shape out a rose outline? I am voracious in my curiosity as to whether or not we see said boxes down the road in I dunno, Bachelor in Paradise? Survivor, maybe?

According to America's favorite host, this is a HISTORIC premiere. Let's all take a moment to acknowledge that he has never used "historic" to describe an episode. Bet he had to dig deep for that one. He goes on:“This is one of the most controversial,
talked-about premieres in Bachelorette history…”

BECAUSE WE’RE EXPOSING THE TRULY MISOGYNIST FOUNDATION OF THIS SHOW!!

Upon seeing Kaitlyn’s dress, that had more sequins than Lupita's Oscar dress had pearls, I remarked:
“Dude, there would be so much chafing in that dress.”

CAROLYN: Seriously!

DEVIN: What?

GRACE: Chafing. X-BOX, PAUSE! (They have a voice-activated x-box that I'm pretty sure is from the Year 3000, but you can do things like that and X-box will listen to you) Yeah, chafing. Like, my skin would be raw from rubbing against those sequins.

DEVIN: Oh, are you quick to chafe?

GRACE: Very quick. And very aggressive. I
am a quick and aggressive chafer.
X-BOX, PLAY!

.....nothing

DEVIN: X-BOX, PLAY! (it does)

GRACE: well clearly someone listens to Dad...

Moving right along, let's talk about memorable intro clips:

- Jonathan, Automotive Spokesman: not a car SALESman, but a SPOKESman. Wait. His kid
coming into the frame right now. This kid is a forty year old trapped in a five year old’s body. I love it all.

- Joe, Insurance Salesman: This guy is from the back-est Back Woods of Kentucky, so far back that you almost get to Australia. He also claims that he always dreamed of wealth, a wife, and a mansion... with a white picket fence. So he's clearly never even seen a mansion, because if he had, he'd know that they don't (ever) come with a white picket fence...

- Josh... the law-school-grad-turned-stripper. Is he making more money than Andi Dorfman? Probably. Does he have SIGNIFICANTLY less dignity than Dorfman? Absolutely.

- Brady, singer-songwriter from, wait for it... Nashville… Y'all, Nashville got a STRONG showing this season, but I still can't say I'm at all impressed. Brady leads off with, “I’ve always had melody inside of me…”

PLEASE LEAVE.

- Josuha, welder, Idaho: Don't get me wrong, this guy is cute. But more importantly: THERE ARE SO MANY DUDES LEANING AGAINST WALLS ON THIS SEASON IT'S UNREAL. #BlameTheInterns

- Ian, Executive recruiter (what?) Ok wait but in the background of Ian’s intro shot, I need you all to notice that we caught a glimpse of “The Flyin’ Jalapeno…” For the record, when I say I work right by there, I mean I could have thrown a stone at hit Ian's perfectly shaven head with it, in that shot. When I say I work right by there, I mean my friend Amy and I went to lunch on Tuesday and she said, "I'm craving a burrito, is there anywhere we can go?" and I said, "WHY DON'T WE GO TO THE FLYN' JALAPENO TO CELEBRATE ITS TELEVISION DEBUT LAST NIGHT?!! Back to Ian. I like him. He seems intense. I'm into it.

Let the record also show that Jared described Kaitlyn as a “Wildfire.” I do believe the word he was looking for was “spitfire.” (And may we ALSO let the record show that this is the dude who told said "Wildfire" that he voted for the other chick? JUST an observation....)

- Tony, Healer, also known as... spiritual gangster. I believe he referred to himself as "antisocial." Super. Can't wait to see what happens next.

- Ben, Fitness Coach: This was the guy who's mom passed away when he was 14... Living Room Peanut Gallery member Carolyn only had one question: “Is that the best picture he had of his mom?” (We saw that picture at least nineteen times. Unframed AND framed.) #BlameTheInterns #Kasey #TheSantaAnasRuinedKaseysDate

Our gracious host informed Kaitlyn and Brit that that the men will have a ‘little bit of power tonight,” which, nobody worry, Brit finds to be “romantic.”

Can we just stop right here and establish whatever the male equivalent is to Slut Shaming? Like, what is it called when you blatantly shame a man for being a misogynist? Cause we need it, right now. Y'all know I don't love standing on my feminist soap box, but HOLY SMOKES this is worse than Chris and Juan Pablo COMBINED.

And honestly, if I were in either of the girls' shoes, I'm fairly positive that I would turn to the other girl and say “I’m so sorry. You’re lovely, but I’m about to fight dirty.” And then I would proceed to tell each man very directly why they should choose me. Come to think of it, I’m actually quite skilled at this – I do it at the office daily. Today my boss was talking to my co-worker Levi and I stepped in front of him and said to her, “Quick reminder: I’m your favorite.

BOSS: You put my hard-boiled egg in the freezer this morning.

GRACE: Yes, but that was an accident. And Levi wouldn’t have tried to refrigerate your food. You should make me your favorite.

BOSS: Ok. You can be my favorite.

(I high-fived myself on the way out)

I can't even really discuss which guy went to which of the girls first, because you all know we got about MAYBE 35% of the truth in those sequences... There's no way to know that we even saw the original order that the guys got out of the limo, let alone in what order they said hello to the women... #BlameTheInternsEditors

Just a few notes:

- JJ. Investment Banker. At JJ’s entry I yelled, “X Box, increase volume!” Devin quirked a brow and said, “you can just tell it to “volume up.” WHOOPS. I don't think I like JJ. His pucking joke wasn't bad, but he's somehow not my favorite...

- Shawn B… It takes a while, but FINALLY WE get a guy who calls for a group hug… He and Brit have a connection… HIYOOOO UNTIL WE FIND OUT THAT HE WANTED THE BACHELORETTE TO BE KAITLYN.

- Tony, aka Spiritual Gangster: Listen ladies, Tony lives in Tony's world. That means that if he thinks Kaitlyn can't hear what he's saying to Britt, he's gonna turn right around and say the EXACT SAME WORDS to Kaitlyn and nobody's gonna bat an eye about it. Also, what's up with his black eye?

- This Drunk Ryan is absolutely as good as it gets. Let's start with one of my favorite lines of the night: “I’d like to take that girl out for a nice steak dinner and… never call her again…” Misogynist Shaming. He needs it. He goes outside to moan about the next contestant we meet, who is... a man driving a hot tub car... Wait, it get's better... The guy is an "Amateur Sex Coach." Only question: Does that mean he coaches amateur sex, or is he an amateur coach? (Do I even want to know the answer?) I'd like to thank my friend Camille for the apt description of the "Former-Newsie-Turned-Harrison-Security" to describe the man whose glorious job it was to pull Ryan outside for an intervention with Hare. And by "intervention" I mean "departure orders." Still in a bit of disbelief that ABC aired the rape comment... That guy is gonna have a REAL hard time finding a job...

- THERE’S A MAN IN A CUPCAKE CAR. Marriage. Marry him now. HE HAS A CUPCAKE CAR, MARRY EVERYTHING.

Don't even care that he's a dentist...

Ok. Onto the Misogynist Cocktail Party:

- The first guy that pulled Brit away a) has a son named Aurelius and b) WE CAN SEE THE TEETH OF THE FINE TOOTHED COMB THAT HE USED TO STYLE HIS HAIR.

- Let's talk about the guy who asked, "Do you choose the one that you like the most, or do you choose the one that likes YOU the most?" WHAT A QUESTION.

- The guy with Chris Harrison on the triceratops… So much respect for a man who knows how to WORK WITH WHAT HE’S GOT.

- Before the voting began (with the custom-carved rose boxes) Hare asked the ladies, "Is there anything you would like to say?" Once again, I WOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT OPPORTUNITY TO SAY SOMETHING, to convince the men that I should be the favorite.

- “I just found a pocket of guys that are pro-Kaitlyn…” THOSE ARE REAL WORDS THAT WERE UTTERED BY A DUDE.

Ok whatever blah, blah, it ends on a cliff hanger...

ONTO NIGHT TWO:

SHOUTOUT TO MY ROOMMATE MARY THAT LET ME RIG UP THE ANTENNA MISCELLANEA IN HER ROOM. There's a drought. Save water. Don't pay for cable.

Ok so I turned on the TV, and this is what I saw, no joke:

Rest in peace, Bachelorette Career for Britt...

WE GET IT.

Anyway. Let’s talk about the set-up (that I successfully rigged up myself, if you really must know)

TV to converter box to antennae...

Very few comments about the evening: (BESIDES THE FACT THAT NICK IS BACK AND I LOVE HIMMMMM)

- Ok so obviously Hare was going for the fake-out, and wanted to make Kaitlyn think she was getting sent home… But then on the reveal, he didn’t… do a reveal. He kept a somber tone the whole time... huh?

- Um, breach of confidentiality that Kaitlyn called her mom, or no?

- In very unrelated news, the show “Whispers” looked very un-good. UNTIL I LEARNED THAT LILY RABE IS IN IT. Game. Has. Changed.

- Ok how exhausting it must be, to live a day in the life of Spiritual Gangster Tony, being as sensitive as he is? Does he break down in tears when he gets cut off in traffic? (Or can he even drive cars without having psychotic breaks?) After a few more minutes I decide that it’s a toss up: who cries more in traffic, Tony or Songwriter Brady? I really couldn’t say.

But what I COULD say is that Tony’s name reminds me of the Tony that proposed to Blakelee on Bachelor Pad II, only to have a broken engagement months later. UGHHH I JUST WANT EVERYONE IN THIS FRANCHISE TO FIND TRUE LOVE AND I GET SO UPSET WHEN THEY DON’TTTTT.

- Just so we're clear, when it comes to Jared, (yes, LOVE MAN) voting for Brit was one of the hardest decisions he’s ever had to make. Even harder than whether or not to tell America he was "Love Man." SO DIFFICULT.

Blah blahhh rose ceremony...

The only two noteworthy guys who got sent home were the potential-barrister-turned-stripper and the hot tub car guy... Jury is still out on what part of his career was amateur, but after his conversation with Britt, it sounds like it just might be the "coaching" part of it...