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Parents Of Teen Girls I Need Your Help

I don't wan to bore you with my personal problems so I will make this as short as possible.

My daughter is almost 16 (in Dec) but she has been through and seen more in life than most adults so she is very smart. Her maturity level though is that of any other normal 16 year olds.

She just had her first boy friend last October when (Brandon) took her to the Home Coming Dance. She really like him allot. I thought he was just the greatest thing that could have ever happened. He was so nice and polite.

Unsupervised dating at the age of 15 is out of the question so I would take them out. We have a few places around here that are like an adult Chuck E Cheese. The 3 of us would go eat and then I would give them $100.00 or so to go off and do their thing and i would stay at the table on my computer. Sometime times we just went to eat or I would allow Brandon over but the bed room door had to stay open. We would go to the mall and I would go my way they would go theirs Ok I think you got the picture.

Brandon did some really mean things to my daughter last week and she broke up with him. He tried to kill himself and was put in the mental hospital. He got out last night and called my daughter. He said he was sorry and that they had told him at the hospital he was Bi-Polar along with some other issues.

She gets off the phone and when she is telling me this I also find out that this nice, sweet boy has a history of being mean to her and then right away feeling bad and trying to take it back and tell her how sorry he is.

We have Bi-Polar in our family so my daughter knows what it is and how it makes people plus I don't know what these other issues they have diagnosed him with are.

I asked her last night why she stayed with him if he was doing these mean things? She said because she was hoping he would change. Then I asked her what was she was going to do about him and she said "I don't know"

So now the question is... what do I do? I am not a controlling parent. Me and my daughter have a very close relationship. She is my best friend.So keeping that in mind... what do I do?

Please nobody quote this post. I have never puy any thing concerning my daughter on line but I just want you ladies to see how beautiful she is and I do intend on deleting the picture at some point so PLEASE DON"T QUOTE THE POST. I can't believe I am even putting it up.

I have always stood by the fact that its hard to be a parent and a best friend to your child too.
Doing mean things to her is abuse and I hope you told her that. I would intervene and not allow then to date for her safety and I would also call and speak with his parents because he is not your child thus not your concern but she is your concern and it is your responsibility to keep her safe. If he tryed to commit suicide then you have to focus on the fact that he could potentially be very unstable and could do much worse then try to hurt himself. Next time he could kill himself and her too. You need to have a sit down with his parents about what happens next and what you expect in regards to your daughter. Be honest with her about everything. He needs help right now more then a girl friend.

I have always stood by the fact that its hard to be a parent and a best friend to your child too.Doing mean things to her is abuse and I hope you told her that. I would intervene and not allow then to date for her safety and I would also call and speak with his parents because he is not your child thus not your concern but she is your concern and it is your responsibility to keep her safe. If he tryed to commit suicide then you have to focus on the fact that he could potentially be very unstable and could do much worse then try to hurt himself. Next time he could kill himself and her too. You need to have a sit down with his parents about what happens next and what you expect in regards to your daughter. Be honest with her about everything. He needs help right now more then a girl friend.

Thanks so much for your advice. I did attempt to talk to the parents and they hung up the phone on me. They blame my daughter for the suicide attempt since her breaking him up is what led to it.

I am thankful that at this point he has not been violent or physically hurt her he has just said really mean things to her to hurt her feelings. You are right though my fear is that if he is that mean and has the potential to harm him self that he may harm her too. I really want to put a stop to this relationship but she "is in love". She says she is done with him but I am sure because of how much she cares about him and how worried she was the whole time he was in the mental hospital that she will give in to him.

Like I said my daughter is very smart, she is also very sneaky and strong willed. If she wants to do something she is going to do it and about the only way to stop her is to tie her up but this must end and this why I am at a loss as to what if anything I can do other than talk to her which I don't think is going to be enough.

Wow. I think it would have been great to let her experience dating a person with mental health issues, however he seems too unstable to be dating right now.

*If you read my post and there are mistakes in my spelling or grammar please note that I never learned either in school and I am currently learning them now. If you see a mistake POLITELY point it out and I'll be more than happy to correct my mistake. Here's a fun little siggy for your enjoyment. *

Hopefully being that you two are so close you can offer her guidance and she will listen , at her age she shouldn't have to deal with such serious issues. Dating and relationships should be fun not hurtful

But her being (almost) 16 ...she may listen, she may not.

If it came down to it and she wanted to see him again, I would not allow it.

I would use this opportunity to have some real conversations on emotional abuse, mental health issues and self-esteem. Explain that while his behavior is not her fault and out of her control, she also has a right to experience a healthy relationship. Its not up to her to change him or anyone else and that she deserves a young man without issues at this stage in her life. You may have to be the bad guy here, put your foot down and forbid any more contact...but in the long run it will be much healthier for her.

My girls won't be teens for a while yet, but I have worked professionally as a domestic violence advocate, including with teens. Your post raises a few red flags for me: him saying mean things to her, him trying to commit suicide when she broke up with him, and her saying she hoped he would change. Can you elaborate at all on the mean things he was saying or doing, like giving examples? It sounds to me like he may be emotionally abusing her.

If that's the case, there are definitely some things you can do to help. It sounds like you already know you can't force her to stay away from him. Abusers tend to be controlling, so you don't want to inadvertantly re-create that dynamic by being controlling yourself (I don't think you would anyway; you don't seem like that kind of mom). If you force someone to choose between you and the abuser, that person will often choose the abuser. Abusers can be very manipulative; they may say things like, "Your mom just doesn't want you to be happy, she doesn't care about you like I do. That's why she won't let you see me." To combat this, keep telling her how much you love and value her, that she is smart and good and worthy of being treated with respect.

It's great that she's being so open with you; you are obviously doing something right. Keep that communication going. Try to listen without judgment to what she tells you. Never blame her for anything he's done, or for "putting up" with it. Her situation is very confusing, and it's not at all her fault she feels at a loss as to what to do. Remind her that you're here for her no matter what. Try not to say bad things about him, which might make her feel defensive, but instead keep the focus on her. For example, if she says, "He said (mean thing)," you might be thinking, "What a jerk!" but just tell her, "That really must have hurt. I'm so sorry he said that to you. You don't deserve to be treated that way."

I know she's busy and involved in lots of activities, which is good. Does she have other friends she spends a lot of time with, especially girl friends? Try to encourage her to keep doing the things she loves and spending time with friends who support her. Let her know it's okay to talk about what's going on, and it's okay to express her feelings (sadness, anger, grief over the loss of the relationship, etc.). If they stay broken up, you may feel relieved and glad it's over, but remember, it may take her some time to process her feelings, and that's normal. If she decides to give him another chance, the best thing you can do is keep talking with her and keep giving her a safe, supportive space to talk to you.

If she feels like she wants to talk to someone confidentially and privately, she can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. It's a completely free and anonymous call, and they talk to anyone who has concerns about their relationship--there doesn't have to be physical abuse or anything like that. The people there are awesome and can help her sort out her feelings about what's going on. They won't tell her what to do. You are also welcome to call and talk about your concerns, and they will help you figure out the best ways to support her and help her stay safe.

I hope that's helpful. I'm happy to talk with you and offer books or other resources if you want them. For what it's worth, I know you're a good mom, and having supportive family members is often the most important factor in helping someone get out of a bad relationship. You being there makes all the difference for her.

Oh, one more thing: mental illness, including bi-polar disorder, doesn't cause someone to be abusive. If there is a pattern of controlling, manipulative, and/or hurtful behavior, it's important to understand that it's abuse, and it's a separate issue from any mental illness problems he might have. Many abusers will try to blame mental illness for their behavior, and it tends to work: their partners will feel sorry for them and guilty about wanting to stay away, since the behavior is "not his fault." But many, many people struggle with mental illness, and most of them are not abusive, and the majority of abusers are not mentally ill. For more information about this, you can check out Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That? It can really help for someone in your daughter's situation to understand that he can control his abusive behavior (that is, he could if he chose to), and mental illness is not an excuse for treating her badly, even though he may try to tell her otherwise.

Threatening or attempting suicide is a common controlling tactic for people who are abusive. He may be trying to emotionally blackmail her by trying to make her feel responsible for his wellbeing. Remind her that he is responsible for his own choices, and those choices are not her fault.

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