Great, now my toddler is singing 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS

This is an open letter to whoever is responsible for the conception and production of the 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS radio ad. Please don’t mistake this for a screed against the organization itself, or its charitable intentions. I love cars. I love kids. On to my rant …

Guardian.co.uk

By tomorrow afternoon, my father will be insane …

Great job, jerk. Now my 2-year-old is singing it.

I didn’t even have the radio on. I was lost in my thoughts the other morning, driving to his babysitter, when the cherished peace and quiet was suddenly disrupted. It was immediately apparent what the toddler was shouting at me from the back seat. “One-ate-sebben-sebben caz for kizz …”

I remember the first time I heard the jingle, while I was listening to KNBR during the morning kindergarten/babysitter dropoff. Most radio ads are annoying, and I usually don’t mind. I know a lot of nice people who work in radio and television. If hearing from Stephen Moskowitz every three minutes means a few of my friends get to keep their jobs, then God bless him and his no initial consultation fees. It’s easy enough to tune this stuff out.

But the 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS ad was different. Horribly, horribly different. This advertisement couldn’t be ignored. It’s amazingly simple, featuring a slightly out of key adult, child or group singing the same jingle over and over. (The vocals change from commercial to commercial, but the tune doesn’t.) And yet the assault on my senses is all-consuming. There was no unringing this bell. It’s the audio equivalent of walking in on your parents having sex. Hear it once, and it’s in your head forever.

My immediate thought was “Dear God, I hope they only had enough money to buy one spot.” Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha! Try 100,000 spots. Or more! This is an organization that couldn’t have spent more than $18 on the actual production of its ad, and yet seemingly has the unlimited resources to play it on a constant loop, on multiple radio stations, using different singers, for all of eternity. If it wasn’t for Tom Shane, Meg Whitman and the second-coming-of-Jesus-like arrival of KNTV weatherwoman Christina Loren, I don’t think there would be any other ads on the radio.

I’ve stopped being angry at you. Mostly I’m curious. What was going through your head when you wrote the jingle? Did you think it was good? Or did you feel wave after wave of guilt, throwing up a few times, knowing what you were about to unleash on the world? When you’re at parties, do you tell people that you wrote the 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS spot? Or do you just say “I’m in advertising”?

mizozo.com

Is this tax deductible?

In any case, you win, diabolical marketing genius. I hope they paid you a wheelbarrow full of money, because no one on the planet deserves it more. My kids are singing your commercial. I’ve written 1-877-KARS-4-KIDS in the headline of my blog, and several more times in the post. And when your jingle finally drives me insane, I’m guessing that my neighbors, who will be collected on the sidewalk outside my house, will all hear me screaming it one more time as I’m wheeled into the ambulance.

But let me tell you something, and this is a promise: I’ll write a check and mail it to some kids right now. But you will never, ever, EVER get my car. I’ll eat the tax break and drive my vehicle off a cliff — let me put that in terms you understand: “K-L-I-F drive it off a kliiiiif” — before I call that number.

That’s all I’ve got. Now excuse me while I bang my head against the wall a few dozen times and hope it makes the pain go away.

PETER HARTLAUB is the pop culture critic at the San Francisco Chronicle and founder of this parenting blog, which admittedly sometimes has nothing to do with parenting. Follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/peterhartlaub. Your questions answered on VYou at www.vyou.com/peterhartlaub.