I came to a realization today. I have become part of this world or ours that expects instant gratification. I want what I want, and I want it now. Yesterday, I was in the hospital and they gave me a prescription for a couple of medications to help me feel better. I am almost embarrassed to admit but this morning I was a little disappointed when I woke up. I took the first of the new medications last night and I really don’t feel any different this morning, whats up with that?lol

That is when it really came to me. I am not sure how well I am wording this. I have an antibiotic that I am to take twice daily for 10 days. Realistically, how could I expect to feel better after only one pill? But still I had that momentary feeling of disappointment.

When I think of it now, I realize that moment of disappointment was a very good thing for me to have experienced. In a way it opened my eyes to a little different thought process or gave me a bit of a realization. I have said many times “things happen in God’s time, not my time” and I thought I had accepted that and was living by that. Now, obviously I am going beyond how long it takes for a medication to take affect.

I think back to a couple of examples: the passing of my parents, a what was for me a very painful marital break up. I was in pain, grieving and praying for relief from the pain. I felt that same sense of disappointment every morning when I awoke and really felt no better. At the time it even seemed for a while like God either wasn’t listening or just not answering my prayers. I was looking for instant gratification or relief and was not receiving it. “Things happen in God’s time, not my time”. Ultimately, did I receive the relief I was praying for? Yes, I did just not according to my time table. At the time was I disappointed my time table had not been adhered to? Yes, I was. Now I can look back and see that it was during these periods, that were not allowed for in my time table, that I experienced great spiritual and emotional growth. Growth that in fact I would never have experienced, if in fact my time table for events would have been followed.

I am very patient with other people, sometimes I have been told even to a fault. So how can I allow myself to become impatient with God and His time table for my life. When I say it, it doesn’t even make sense to me, but some how I still do it.

As, I was sitting here writing, Vi just came to me needing to talk. She is truly the most wonderful, caring, loving lady you could meet. She is deeply concerned about this newest development with the amount of water on my lungs. Is it the next step in the worsening of my condition? I don’t think so, I think with my breathing difficulties it has likely been there for a while. It is detected with a xray and while I have quite a few of them, possibly just not at the “right”time.

If anyone has any extra prayer time, if you could mention Vi and my family, I will appreciate it very much. If prayer could also please included Vi’s brother John. John is in hospital in Thompson after having suffered a major stroke. One entire side of his body is at this point paralyzed to the point he can barely swallow. John all our thoughts and prayers are with you

Today hasn’t been the best of days. Just got back from the hospital. I have to go and check out the pretty nurses every once in a while.

I have been whining about a chest cold for a while and the difficulty I am having breathing. Breathing has been getting more labored and harder to catch my breath. I ended up in the hospital, got home about 5:00 this afternoon. Found out I have a build up of water on my lungs and an infection that has spread from my chest to my throat and to my ear. Here I was feeling embarrassed going to see the doctor about what I thought was just a cold. I am lucky to have Vi to sort of push me sometimes. Guess that helps explain why I haven’t been feeling so spry this past while.

Wow, I seem to have inadvertently stirred up a bit of a hornets nest this past few days. Through out my blog I have often referred to my faith and how it has helped me so much. I have written of worshiping and loving God. Of having Jesus Christ, our Saviour in my heart and of knowing he is at my side, always ready and willing to help me through any challenges. I also believe He is preparing my place in Heaven for when I arrive. I am comfortable with and firm in my personal beliefs, but I am always open to consider the thoughts of others. When presented with a different point of view, I will consider it, give it thought and then decide if it is right for me.

I have to question the faith of many. Those that I can only presume are insecure in the strength of their own faith. Those that will not even consider a point of view that may differ in any way from their own. Afraid to read any book or even watch certain movies, afraid their opinion may be swayed even by hearing a different thought. If hearing or reading a different thought can sway your faith, it couldn’t have been very strong to begin with.

There is no doubt in my mind the Bible is the greatest book ever written. I see the overall message of the Bible to be one of love, forgiveness, sharing….. all things wonderful. Here again I have to question some Christians who seem to feel they have the ability to pick and choose individual passages to justify their own beliefs. I am sure if I sat down and really tried I could get the Bible to deliver any message I wanted, by picking one line here and one line there. Yes, each individual verse is important in its own right, but should be seen within the context of the entire message. I wonder why if every single verse of the Bible is to be taken literally, that I seen no one with “plucked out eyes”. But each is entitled to his own opinion and I respect that.

Quite frankly, I did not set this blog up as a Christian site, I am a Christian and as such share my beliefs. I am not trying to convert anyone to my way of thinking. I am stating my thoughts, my opinions and what comforts me on this my final earthly voyage. My blog is titled Dying Man’s Daily Journal for a reason. I have been told I am dying. Many times I have stated I am not a member of the clergy, a doctor or anyone with any kind of training to deal with these issues, I can only relate my personal feelings and experiences on the last journey. My hope is that by sharing my journey it may give others a better understanding of how to deal with death and dying, be it that of a loved one or even their own, based on my experience. In sharing my experiences on this journey, my faith often comes up as it is important to me. Christian are not the only ones that die. Dying is not exclusively Christians and I would welcome comments and thoughts from everyone irregardless of beliefs or faith. I share my personal thoughts, BUT I am not prepared to debate, argue or defend my beliefs to anyone. If you agree with what I say good, if you disagree that is fine also.

Every moment of this life is precious, to precious to waste. I am not going to waste even one of them by getting upset if anyone at anytime should disagree with anything I say. I encourage all others to do the same

I do appreciate ALL comments I receive as I know, at the heart of the message is a genuine caring for my well being. I am thankful and grateful for that. Everyone has their own opinion and is welcome to share that if they chose. Personal opinions are exactly that personal. In every part of life we encounter many who’s opinions will differ from our own. This is with everything in life from, which is the best make and model of car to buy even to what is the “right” way to be a good Christian. I respect everyones opinion as being their opinion, I don’t always have to agree with it, but they are entitled to it.

There is a saying separate “the deed from the doer”. I wonder if some how that could be translated over to separate the beliefs from the believer or the thoughts from the thinker. That sounds confusing so what do I mean by it. Lets look at someone from one of the other great Faiths. OK, I don’t agree with their opinion or beliefs, but who am I to say they are wrong in choosing what they feel is best for them. Should I respect or value them less as people because they have chosen a different path than I have? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! I have chosen my path to Heaven through the teachings of Jesus Christ, in my opinion and based on my beliefs that is the right path for me. I believe and worship a loving God that wants nothing but the best for his children, being every person on this earth. In this life we are all on a journey, with the destination being Heaven. I have chosen my path, can I ever be sure it is the only path.

Can I be sure it is the only path, now I know that will set some to howling. But, I wonder, consider a small child being raised in a family of a different faith. Pick any faith it doesn’t really matter. Here you have a child that has had no exposure to Christianity. I can’t see my loving Heavenly Father ever rejecting such a child. In fact when I get to Heaven I would not be at all surprised to see good people from all the Faiths.

I am not even going to whine today about my chest cold, still have it, enough said. Vi is feeling much better and seems to have the upper hand on that flu bug. Thank you to all for the good wishes.

The last while I have done my best to respond to each individual comment posted, all are appreciated and deserve an individual reply. I hope to continue to do so, replies are under the comment section for each individual posting. My ground rules for comments are any thoughts are welcome and I will delete none other than spam. AS LONG AS, they do not contain anything that could be seem as a put down to any particular group or individual. Now, I do exclude myself from that, if anyone disagrees with anything I have to say and want to comment, go to it.

Today, I want to reply to one particular comment, right here. But, before I can begin, I want to go back and mention something I read a while ago on another blog. I am sorry I can’t remember who’s it was and I apologize to who ever for not giving proper credit. It spoke of how wonderful Christianity is (I absolutely agree) but also of how confusing it could be seen through the eyes of someone from a different faith. Look at the number of different Churches we have: Catholics, Anglicans, Lutherans…… the list goes on and on. There are hundreds if not thousands of different Christian churches. The teachings of each church are different, some only slightly different some drastically different from the next. For an “outsider” looking at Christianity no wonder it would be confusing. Hundreds if not thousands of slightly different messages coming at you and each proclaiming to be the “right or true way to God”. Hum, I am a Christian and it confuses me. In some ways it almost seems the fact of the matter is, many attend a particular church based solely on how charismatic or how good a “salesman” the leader is.He is able to “sell” us on idea that his/her way is the right way. I do realize this is an unfair generalization and that many attend a particular church through their honest sincere devote beliefs. Those I pray do not take offense at what I am saying.

OK, what am I trying to say? There is always a fringe lunatic element out there and I exclude them when I say: I believe all church are good. The Bible, itself tells us not to judge are we not judging if we deem or think ourselves to be on the “correct” path and that others are not. If doing this are we not deeming ourselves to be better, or smarter that others that have not chosen our particular path. Sounds like being judgmental to me. In turn could we not use this same thinking in looking a people of the other great faiths in the world. How can any true Christian judge or deem themselves to be better than anyone else. When I say anyone else, I am not referring just to other Christian groups, I mean ANYONE else. Would a true Christian, a child of God, not show love and compassion to all. Should our love and compassion not extend out even more to those that do not share our beliefs. I so often wonder how can anyone that considers themselves to be Christian perpetrate or condone, any actions towards others that are not done out of love and caring. How could an Christian not do anything and everything they can to help all of their fellow man.

I consider myself to be a Christian. I believe in God, in Jesus Christ and that he died on the cross for our sins. I believe God wants us to live the very best lives we can and will be waiting for us at the end of this physical life. Waiting to take us to our place in Heaven. Christian, is a man made term. I admit to at times feeling embarrassed, ashamed at things that sometimes happen in this world in the name of Christianity. While never changing my beliefs, there have been times when I have thought about divorcing myself from the man made name of Christian.

OK, back to the recent comment, questioning and asking me about my beliefs. Well in a very condensed version there you are.

I am not sure how to reply to some of the other content of the comment.

“I am concerned for you because you write that you believe in God. That is good. So do the devils and they are scared. My concern is that you’re not scared and it isn’t because you have faith, but because you have no wisdom and the evil one has blinded you”

Hmm, I am not sure how to respond to that. That is a thought that has never entered my head, and frankly one that I just can’t accept. I have never claimed to have any wisdom. I state my thoughts and that is all. Anyone that choses to read may take what they like from the message. As for being blinded by the evil one, well I certainly don’t see it that way.

OK, why did I single out this particular comment. I am sure the writer is a good Christian man stating his views, thoughts and concerns for me and I appreciate and thank him for that concern. The thoughts are true, genuine and reflect his beliefs. I mean no disrespect to his gentleman or his thoughts and comments, I mention them to point out the broad spectrum, the wide range of thoughts that are within our Christian society.

Contained within the broad spectrum of Christian Churches with their differing views and teachings. Is one more right or better than the next. It is not for me to say. We are all on the same journey to Heaven, just on slightly different paths. As long as we truly live the best lives we can, all such paths will ultimately end at the same destination. How could it be other wise?

Vi and I still are not the healthiest couple in town. Yesterday, she seemed to have a bit of a relapse with that flu bug she has been fighting with. I still can’t seem to shake the chest cold that has gotten a hold of me. My cold I know is nothing serious just getting annoying, we have all had the same thing, chest feels constricted, hurts to breath and soar throat. It must be getting close to a week that I have had this thing. “poor me” haha.

Today I am going to try and respond to each individual comment I received on my last post, Road to Death. Each is so beautiful in its own way and deserves an individual response.

Yesterday, I wrote of how our final physical journey on this earth could be very lonely and very scary. Dying is the one thing in our lives we must do truly alone. With this I am referring to the ultimate passing between the physical and spiritual worlds. It is during this time we are separated from the physical support of our loved ones here on earth, something possibly we have always had and have come to rely on. Spiritually, I know we are never alone. Jesus, Angels and predeceased loved ones are there just waiting for us. Knowing that is such a huge comfort to me. I know that and I am blessed with a wonderful support network or family and friends and yet there are still days when I struggle with it all.

I can’t even begin to imagine how lonely and scary this journey may be for any facing it without a deep faith and support network. I pray for all. I pray for all that are denying a dying family member or friend their time out of fear. My good blogging friend Miriam aka radiant woman, has so beautifully expressed her thoughts and feelings with the recent passing of her grandfather. Please visit Miriam’s blog and read her thoughts. Her blog radiant woman is listed on the right hand side of this page. Just click on radiant woman and you are there. It is well worth the read. (obviously I still haven’t figured out how to insert a link directly into my post).

I am having more and more little memories popping into my head these days. Very natural I suppose as I spend more time reflecting back on my life. One such memory came yesterday. I am not sure if this particular memory popping up now has any meaning or not.

I saw a movie years ago, I can’t remember the title or even the general story. I just remember one scene. I am not sure if they were guerrillas or bandits or exactly what. But these bad guys had over run and captured a mission and the missionary running it. My memories are fuzzy but as I remember it, they were taunting and beating the missionary. Taunting him about where was his God now, things like that. The scene I remember the most is one in which the missionary is on his knees on the ground badly beaten. One of the bad guys is holding a gun to his head and asks him words to the effect: “are you afraid to die now, do you still think your God will protect you?” The missionary’s response was something like: “you may pull the trigger and kill my physical body, it is to be as the Good Lord decides it to be. I am not afraid as I know what awaits me when I am with God”.

Those are maybe not the exact words, I can’t remember but it gives the message. This was years ago but I can remember sort of laughing at the missionaries response. I had the attitude, yeah right, you have someone pointing a gun at your head and you say you are not afraid and thinking this was ridiculous, to far fetched to be real. I knew if that was me kneeling on the ground, I would be so scared I would be pooping my pants.

Could this memory surfacing be a gentle reminder from God that I still have much work to do, in preparing myself for what awaits me. My faith is much stronger, I can sit here right now and honestly say I have no fear of what awaits me. Then, why is it when I think of that scene with the missionary. I still know if I had a gun pointing at my head, I would still be pooping my pants. Is it the suddenness of that situation that would make it different, no time to prepare? I just don’t know!

Yesterday, was a much better day for Vi. She even got out puttering around in the garden a little. She says she is fine but I can see she is still not 100%. Trying to get her to just rest for a few days is impossible. Her idea of rest is still doing 10 times as much as I do on a regular day. I am still struggling accepting my physical limitations. Vi’s brother Henri has been coming over helping a lot with the outside work that needs to be caught up on. Patching a leaking eaves trough plus a lot of other things. Thank you Henri, you are a real blessing to us.

I am going to have to phone my doctor today. For the past 3 days, I have intended to go for blood tests he has requested. No problem going for the tests, except for one. How could one of the various tests they are going to do on my blood make any difference? Well it does if it is for my sugar levels for my diabetes. That one is like a double test. I fast, they take the blood. I then go out and eat a big breakfast and 2 hours later another blood sample is taken checking for any change in the blood sugar levels. Simple, right, well not so simple if there is no way you can eat the big breakfast, nausea won’t let you keep anything down. There has to be some other way.

Vi made such a wonderful comment a couple of days ago. She was right in the midst to the worst of the flu and was really sick and I mean really sick. In between throwing up sessions she comment on how occasionally it is good to feel this way. Good only in that it was a short term reminder of how others feel even on a daily basis. Vi, you are awesome.

That simple comment keeps running though my head. Dying can be a very scary, lonely process. I wonder how others deal with it. What else is there in this physical world that we must do totally alone. Everyone of us is preparing to make that same journey, we are just doing it on different time schedules. There is no denying the fact every single on of us will make that journey at some time. We all know that, yet death remains almost like a taboo subject. We don’t talk about it or even really think about it, “it is just to morbid”. Why is it “morbid” it is a reality. Now I am not suggesting we all run around continually talk about death and dying that would be morbid. Death is a fact of life. I think it is just plain fear that causes us to push the mere thought from our minds.

Fear of thinking of our own mortality and the having to make that final journey all alone into the “great unknown”. Or, fear of loosing a loved one, knowing the pain that will come with that. Or, even fear of facing a future without that special someone in our lives.

I have a very strong faith that has helped me so so much. More than anyone could imagine, unless I suppose you are in my position. I wonder about those that do not have a strong faith to carry them through this. I can’t begin to imagine how scary and lonely that must be. I pray the Good Lord will comfort them. I have very strong Christian beliefs but death is not only restricted to Christians. I wonder about people of other faiths and wonder how their faith and beliefs comfort them. This can be a long, lonely road.

There is an old saying “misery likes company” well I am not really sure that is fitting for what I mean, but I think it gets the message across. We as a human race are all in this together. Religion, culture, politics, race nothing enters into this. Everyone of us is making that same lonely, scary journey just on different time schedules.

Why do so many of us have to make this lonely trip alone. Ultimately, the final leg of the journey we must so our selves, when we leave this physical world and pass into the warm loving hands of God. I am talking about the time prior to that, our final days, weeks or months leading up to that.

I spoke with my cousin Fran on her recent visit. Her husband, Russ tragically passed with cancer recently. She spoke so highly of the loving care Russ had received in his final days in the palliative care unit of the hospital. She became visibly upset though when she spoke of some of the other patients. Patients in the final stages of this physical journey that were forced to do it alone, no family, no friends, no visitors.

There are days when I struggle on this journey and I am surrounded by loving, supportive family and friends. I am assuming most of the patients in the palliative care unit would be elderly but not necessarily. I wonder how they must feel. Likely, they worked hard all their lives raising a family and were surrounded by loving family when healthy. Suddenly, now while on this loneliest and potentially scariest of times, can they help but feel hurt and abandoned, this in their there greatest time of need. Fran, in discussions with a nurse, heard it is not uncommon for people to not visit, using fear of saying the wrong thing as an excuse. I say using it as an excuse, because that is what it is an excuse and a poor one at that.

Think about it really, with love in your heart what is there that you could say wrong. Your presence can be the greatest gift of all.

I started this journal with the hope of helping others on this lonely journey or the families, by sharing my journey. Just because a doctor has labeled someone with the dying word doesn’t mean they are any different from the person they were the day before they were labeled. I am still me, and treat me as such. Just show me you love me and be there for me as I make this journey. I know I must ultimately do the final part alone, but loving company and support certainly helps on the road leading up to that point

I am happy to report Vi is finally feeling better. That was one wicked flu she had, I have never seen her looking that pale or feeling that bad. Vi is truly a wonderful lady, this I have always known. But there was one comment she made that really struck me as to just how special she is.

Her comment was made when she was feeling about at her worst with this flu bug. She had been throwing up so often and so suddenly, that she had an empty ice cream pail beside the bed. For emergency use, times when she just knew the need to throw up was so great she just couldn’t make it to the bathroom. It was used several times.

It was in the midst of all of this that she made the comment: “sometimes it is good to feel like this”. I replied using my quick wit with a stunned: “Huh?” She reply: yes, feeling like this gives me a little reminder of how others may be feeling. I know I will feel better by tomorrow, but many others may not. For some this is their life day after day, they don’t have tomorrow or at least an improved tomorrow to look forward to.” I had no remark of any kind to respond to that.

Isn’t attitude just such an amazing thing. I am most certainly not going to say Vi enjoyed or was glad she had the flu. Nothing could be further from the truth. But, she just accepted that yucky things sometimes happen in life and took it as a learning opportunity. Well, learning may be overstating it but she took it as a gentle reminder from God of how others may be feeling. I suppose it re-enforced her empathy. There are always 2 ways you can look at everything, just accept it as a negative, poor me or look for something positive. God wants nothing but the best for us, so there always will be a positive, sometimes we just have to look a little harder for it. I am proud of you Vi.

Vi has obviously been laid up for a few days and hasn’t been keeping an eye on me and my writing. This morning is the first time in a few days she has looked at it. Vi also reads every comment and sends a big thank you to all that wished her well.

Anyway, this morning as she read my posting about A Nun’s Life and how I had written I don’t know how to create a link withing the script I am typing. A that time we shared what could be called a “Bill moment”. I acknowledge, Vi is increasingly becoming my memory. We joke about it, but it has reached the point that say if we are in a restaurant, I check with her to see if I like something before I order it. Thank goodness for Vi and my journals. Anyway back to the “Bill moment” and our conversation that went something like this:

Vi. you know how to set up a link in your script.

Me. I do?

Vi. your cousin Sherry showed you how when she was here.

Me. Really, she did?

Vi, Kelly also sent you an email explaining it.

Me. An email! Huh, when was that.

Vi. A couple of weeks ago

Me. huh, I don’t remember.

A typical “Bill Moment”. There are some things in life you just have to accept and laugh about. Getting upset over all these things will accomplish nothing but make yourself miserable. Life is to precious and to short to be upset or miserable, I am going to enjoy it to the end.

PS. I still don’t know or don’t remember how to set up the link withing the script of one of my postings. I see a couple of comments and offers of help. I will get it yet.

Who am I?

I am a 61 year old male. At the age of 52 I was told by my doctor I am dying. For the past 4 years, I have done my best to deal with both congestive heart failure and a brain tumor, while knowing my days are indeed numbered. It is my hope that by sharing my experiences, I can encourage others faced with the same situation. I hope to also help the families of those individuals to have an understanding of the process and deal with the fear or dread of being around the dying.
I am not a doctor, not a man of the clergy, I am not a therapist. I am just me, Bill Howdle, I am merely sharing my thoughts and ideas. I write of death and dying, understand this is my personal prospective, based on what I am encountering.