Sometimes it seems as if making love becomes overly complicated. All these articles about how to do it properly.

All the frustration at boring or mechanical sex.

All the confusion about what women really want, what men really want and whether the two sets of needs can ever happily co-exist.

And then I look at you, my lover, and know that sometimes my body just seems so alien and different from your own—all those hidden parts, and extra bits, and emotional complexities thrown into the mix. So I’m paring it down to some basics—just five little things that will keep me purring in your arms and bed, and make you feel like the love god you’re capable of being.

1. Look into my eyes. Take the time to connect with me. Stroke my cheek if you want, or my hair, but stay focused on me. Forget about work, or what has to be done next, or even the petty argument we had earlier. I’m here, now, in front of you. Make me feel like nothing else matters at this moment except this. I want to feel the light of your attention on me, drawing me into a world where there is only you and me—even if it’s only for a few moments.

2. Kiss me. Properly. Taste my lips. Slowly. Don’t rush in, all tongue, trying to accomplish a mission. Savor the kiss as if it’s your favorite glass of wine (even if you’re not a wine connoisseur, you get the idea). If you even just kiss me properly, once a day, that would go a long way to making me your cheerful, loyal, friend (now I’m sounding like a dog!). But honestly, kissing is one of the basic life skills if you want to get ahead with a lover. And a good kiss starts off slowly and delicately; sensing, tasting, before very gradually letting the tips of our tongues meet; building the intensity, growing the passion. It can be an aperitif that prepares the taste buds for what’s to follow, or it can be a full-blown meal in it’s own right.

Caitlin Knowles via Moi via Pinterest

3. Don’t forget my neck. Such a cliché, I know, but it makes me swoon when you gently nibble the side of my neck. Like some old-fashioned movie hero and the heroine who goes all limp in his arms when he kisses her neck, I succumb totally when you let your mouth work its magic on those few inches between my shoulders and my head. Lift my hair so you can trail kisses on the back of my neck, sending shivers down my spine, making me hope you’ll work your way downwards.

4. Make love to my nipples. Yes, I love it when you roll them gently between your fingers, and when you suck them, flicking them with your tongue. But please, I’m not a machine and they’re not buttons. Slow down. Take it gently and work your way inwards from my breasts. Make me want you. Tease me a little. Wait until they (and I) are begging to be touched before you do. Then touch gently, slowly at first (a bit of repetition here, eh? Gently and slowly!) This teasing makes me hungrier for you. And when you finally take a mouthful, put your heart into it. Suck like you are drawing energy and pleasure from me (which you are). Feel that primitive pleasure of suckling.

5. Get to know my clitoris. (I have to admit it’s a tie for fifth place, between touching my clit and asking that you tie me up and dominate me. But I’m going to cheat, because I know that if you do nothing but these five things, I’ll be like putty in your hands anyway, so tying me up would be totally unnecessary.)

It took me years to figure out how my clit worked—what touches she likes, for how long, and where else in my body the feelings resonate. I don’t expect you to miraculously be able to unlock her secrets as if you have one of your own.

And yet, she still responds remarkably similarly to your beautiful penis—the same feeling of swelling up when I get aroused, the same responsiveness to touch, the same sensitivity to being licked and sucked. Get to know her better, make her your friend and you’ll deepen our friendship. Experiment—and (those words again!) slowly and gently find out what she likes, and what she loves. I could get very technical and suggest you try x number of strokes at a particular pace and pressure, but, as I said, I’m not a machine. So find out for yourself what works for her and what doesn’t. Don’t be shy—I’m happy to lie back and let you play with her, for hours if you want.

About Freya Watson

As a respected author and teacher, how we ground our heart-felt truths into the everyday experience of relationships, work and family is the foundation for a lot of my work. Finding our 'truth' is a challenge in itself, but living it day to day is an even bigger challenge.
My books are available on Amazon and I am currently lying low while I work on several volumes of fiction. You can also find me on Facebook and read more on my blog. If you like what I write, you can subscribe to my Elephant Journal Feed here .

You have nailed, sweetly with spirit, the love letter (& guide) I'd most like to receive from an intimate partner. Oh, how we each may stumble, when left to speculate! I've requested this form of communication, several times, and few have come close to your gem craft.

Thank you for taking the time to read and post a comment, regardless of your reservations. For me, bringing greater awareness to sexuality and empowering intimacy between loving partners can bring a profound healing into their lives and into the lives around them. It also deepens the flow of love in the world. I consider this to be part of how we ground our spirituality into our lives in a tangible way. But I would love to hear your views, if you'd like to share more – either here or in private.

there is nothing more beautiful then the connection made between two people who are taking the time to show each other how much the other means to them. simple touch can do much even when not finishing in sex.

I'm curious how communication and sexuality isn't deemed, by some, as spiritual enough to grace a site oriented towards yoga, spirituality and life itself.

I speculate that even Patanjali was conceived, carnally. Life is, after all, rooted in sexual behaviors, sexual experiences, and sometimes, transformed via sexual expressions, at least while we R, physically manifested.

I celebrate liberation and radical inclusion, which I feel EJ is accomplishing, eloquently.

You make decisions based on what you feel is right for you.Sex and love are two different things one can be based on having adventure,fun and danger the other based on long term togetherness.Don't mix up the two sets of feelings.I wish I had taken more lovers I am still very sexually able in my late 50's with a high sex drive my wife is not.This can become very frustrating and cause problem's maybe the solution is an affair based purely on sex??

The comment on sex and love being different has sat with me since I read it. My experience is that when we bring ourselves fully to any situation, it deepens it. Its not uncommon in our societies to have head separated from heart and heart separated from genitals. When they operate together, life is more fulfilling. I find that when I bring love and sex together, regardless of whether its with a longterm or a casual partner, it is a much more rewarding experience. Freya.

Very Sorry to have not read more of your stuff, Freya. But frankly, every time I did, I got frustrated. Meaning, well … I've met so few — any??? — women who think like you do about such things that my imagination would run completely wild. … I'll let you imagine what I mean by that.

Anyway, RE: Sex & Love … the best way I can say this is that I believe the Sexual Revolution was a Great Thing. It opened a lot of doors that needed a lot of opening & exploration. It did a lot for unlocking many important aspects of being human as an individual … and for some couples, too. … However, many people, MANY people, got left in the dust. They are bewildered, lonely, unfulfilled, unsatisfied. … They wonder what happened?

As a social institution, I believe it would have been FAR better for society / civilization if the Sexual Revolution could have occurred within the context of deeply loving, long-term marriage. But today, most people have little or no idea what the significance of marriage was or could be for civilization. That concept seems to be lost to everyone I discuss it with. … Especially feminists.

The few who think about it much at all, usually the feminists, miss the whole point and try to boil it down to men wanting to control women's bodies, and that *capitalism* was the *problem.* … Karl Marx sure did dominate the 20th Century. And his personal track record in marriage (not good) is probably indicative of the quality and results of his thinking.

Yet the number of men I know who EVER thought they had ANY control over any woman's body is slightly above zero. You have to be a David Rockefeller, Bill Clinton or George Clooney to get anywhere close to that. But I bet even they have more than their share of problems along those lines too. That's why they're out there bombing other countries. I believe their lack of real fulfillment in romance & love leads to external shows of power. (Even Clooney wanted to send our, or anyone's, military into Darfur. Although he might be forgiven in that it appears he had a truly humanitarian sincere concern.)

Of course, I think that the total sense of powerlessness felt by MOST men, the socially dictated feminization of men, and the huge, resulting power imbalance between men & woman, led to phenomena like 50 Shades Of Grey. …

Long conversation, that. … But the power imbalance between the sexes has gotten almost schizophrenic in nature.

Getting to the Real Point here, I think the separation of Love & Sex is one of THE great social problems of our time. It's not just a personal problem or interpersonal, but transpersonal, too. We've become such narcissists that we only think of these things, for the most part, in how they affect us as individuals. A few of us worry about *couples.* But very few think about the effects of our personal sex & love & commitment decisions on our civilization, as if they had nothing to do with each other.

Yes, at one level, sex is just sex. If you're an animal. But if your civilization has elevated sex to the status of a binding agent, even if that is a more intellectual decision, it plays a VERY strong part in life. Or it did until enough people stopped thinking of it that way. … Civilizations die one decision at a time, in one human mind at a time. Since it's so incrementally tiny, few people perceive that their particular single, tiny decision that day, and each day, was a component part of the erosion of their society.

Yes, the old ways of men & women relating needed significant updating, as in deeper communication and understanding … and a REAL commitment to each other. And not just a short-term thing. Yes, as human beings, both men & women, expanded exponentially in their potentials, there were BIG problems emerging and in need of resolution. A LOT of resolution. Being totally committed to the absolute most pleasure possible for you partner is of equally high importance as the political decision to bomb Syria or not. Local versus global. But they are not truly separate or different questions. They are part of an inseparable continuum of human consciousness and life.

But rather than take on those local/global challenges, men and women, more-or-less, went their separate ways. And now, they wonder why it's so hard to be intimate with each other.

So the endemic problems of low quality sex, I believe can only be solved if Great Sex is an emergent property of deep, loving, committed relationship, rather than a *sport* one engages in to satisfy one's personal yearnings for the short time a particular partner fits ones current agenda.

And therefore, one of THE KEY elements of civilization is unraveling before our very eyes. That being the extended, multi-generational family, which can only exist if there is long term, loving commitment between the couples involved. And sex is the mortar holding the bricks of such relationships and life together.

Problem is, too many people want to build a wall of mortar, with an occasional brick thrown in here and there.

Such walls crumble in the face of a medium intensity wind … or mild earthquake.

[…] they get really into a song, how they posture when a really hot girl walks by, and how most of them genuinely want to be good lovers. I love how different they are from me and how similar they are […]

I strongly believe that our bodies are the vessels which take us in our spiritual journies, and the more we know about them, and the way we can improve their functions is an absolute plus to the way we direct our minds. On the other hand, men have different needs, and in my experience, if we let them know how we really feel and what we really like, or how we can be able to expand our pleassure in a way that they could also be able to experience it (call it connection) then they can learn how to open the gate to that bridge. Tnx for sharing.

You did such an amazing job articulating what you want. I loved this article!

I am so fortunate to have a man who does all of these things and more and I want sex with him ALL OF THE TIME! I can never get enough of him. And the cool thing? He just intuitively KNEW me and knew what I needed and wanted. How cool is that? But for those men who maybe aren't so intuitive, I would say, study this article…know it…implement it and then look out! Your bedroom is about to get a lot hotter!

Also, I think part of what makes my partner so intuitive is that he really can connect, emotionally, to me. That, I think, is the most crucial point in turning sex into an intense, intimate, deep, electric, love making experience. My partner and I really engage our emotions and open your hearts to each other. Of course this can really only be done if you feel emotionally safe with your partner. Meaning…you feel completely safe and comfortable being who you are without fear of judgement or rejection; you are open with your feelings and aren't afraid to tell him exactly how you feel about him, what him being in your life means to you, and how much you love and appreciate him. And vice versa. My partner is constantly telling me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. I read once that you start making love to your woman first thing in the morning and all day long, simply by being kind, loving, respectful and by sharing your feelings. I think being emotionally vulnerable is one of the hardest things to do. Especially for men who value portraying a 'macho' image. I say, a measure of a man's strength is in his ability to be vulnerable, not in his ability to be 'tough'. 'Tough' may work well in a bar fight but 'tough' alone, won't get a man anywhere near my bedroom door.

Other tips…

Also try breathing in each others' breath. OH MY GOD! The day we stumbled onto that little gem was a game changer. There's something so erotic about taking in his breath because it feels as though I'm taking in his essence…the beauty of who he really is.

Also…undressing. Slow down. Take your time. Anticipation is very erotic. The next time your lady is wearing a blouse or sweater with a lot of buttons seize the opportunity to build anticipation by unbuttoning her top very slowly…interchanging the tips above (looking in her eyes, kissing her lips, kissing her neck, etc.) with unbuttoning one button at a time. If this doesn't make her want to rip your clothes off, nothing will!

Sex is AMAZING when two people can connect emotionally. There's really nothing like it.

Top tip girls: Do NOT send this to your lover unless you actually intend to offend him or become quickly single again. Hell…why not simply tell him he's useless in bed, hand him a 5 item checklist, and tell him that you're gonna keep score? Then see how he responds. Making love should be dynamic, spontaneous, passionate, and MUTUAL. If you're not happy then try talking and consider his emotions and desires as well.

Hi Andy, yes – dynamic, spontaneous, passionate and mutual. And yes, talking is so important. Consider the article a starting point rather than a checklist. That's really how it was intended. Sometimes a little support is helpful.

Delicious! Your vulnerability and honesty are such a multidimensional turn-on for me! I appreciate your letter and find myself wondering what you would say about what your lover might do the other 90% of the time you are together to help you stay hungry for him…

Anticipation is everything!!! Unless your past that phase and then the heat of the moment is everything. But after that there is the climax. Good God!! That’s the point where you scratch everything else before yet know that was what made it so great !!

Excellent article! Well written too. I'm glad I took the time to read it. This is the information men like me are always asking from women: "Tell us what you want." Not just in love-making. . . but in all areas of a relationship. It must be a more pleasurable and satisfying experience knowing that both partners are getting their needs met and enjoying the experience. Thanks!