27 December, 2007

For me, the holidays are always a time of recovery. At the end of each year, I take stock of what my life was like versus what I wanted it to be, and whether that outcome is good or not, I take the last two weeks of the year to come to terms with myself and just let it be.

I hang out with my parents and my brothers. I laugh with family. I anticipate our Christmas Eve dinner. I recover.

And it works. This system works for me, gets me excited for a new year, new changes, new ideas and maybe, one day, a new me. Not that I need or want a new me, but I am always open to just being new.

For me, this year has been the most introspective year. In the past, I have always had the attitude of "it is what it is, and I'll make the best of it." But this year, age 26, I found myself questioning decisions, past and present and trying to figure out why. Why am I this way or that way, why am I stubborn, why am I scared? I don't think I have the answer to everything yet, but I think I've found a way to change what needs to be changed. I need to let go. I need to let people see the soft and vulnerable side of me. I need to love and let people love me. I love that I am strong and independent, but I don't want that to be all I am. I need to be more well rounded, and I think that will be my resolution this New Year's. I will let go. I will let people in. I will trustpeople other than myself.

I last posted about seeing The BreakUp for the first time since we broke up. I had time to think about it, and I probably will some more. But after some alone time, time with family and recovery over the holidays, and after talking to the Best Friend about their little dinner date, I came to the conclusion that I don't think he needs to be in my life. I don't want him there. For one, I don't agree with some decisions he has made in the past, and according to Best Friend, decisions he is still making. To me, he has become less of a person. He is no longer the man I used to be so close to, the man I thought I could love, the man who had a strong character. He says he is happy now, and I am glad for that. I do wish him happiness, and I want him to have a good life. I just don't think either of us are the same people, so I'm ready to let it go.

I have a tendency to hold on to people. Former relationships, bad friendships, people that bring your life down. It's not that these people are bad people, maybe we just aren't meant to be in each other's lives. Maybe we just don't fit well together and when we try to, we end up breaking each other more than necessary. So I need to learn to let people go, too.

All in all, I'm ok. I have a much clearer vision of who I am and want to be. I know the people who do fit into my life and I can't wait to meet new people who fit there, too. I truly have a great (and growing) family. I love them! I have amazing friends.

And, I have a plan to make 2008 "The Year I Let Go....And Start to Really Live!"

So, in an effort to let go of pointless fears, here are some pictures of the Southern Doll herself. Enjoy! :o)

Here is me, at the beach this summer with my girls.

And definitely one of my better moments, on Christmas Eve with my mommy. Her face has been deleted, to protect the innocent, you know.

And, what kind of mommy would I be if I didn't post a picture of my baby. Meet Maggie!

20 December, 2007

I just saw The BreakUp for the first time since I broke up with him. Almost a year ago. We've been through more since our breakup than before, which is a long story that I'm not in the mindset to tell right now. I don't know what to say here, I was thrown for a loop. I didn't know he was coming until about 30 minutes before he showed up to pick up my roomie. So, I started cleaning, which is what I do when I don't know how to handle things. I was literally, standing in the closet when he got here. I had to take a deep breath and force myself to go out and hug him. Like always, I faked nonchalance like a champ. I hugged, smiled, small talked and then said bye. No Big Deal. Right?

Wrong.

And I don't know why. Well, I do, I guess but I don't know how to fix that about me. I know I never loved him as more than a dear friend. I know I am not attracted to him in a romantic way. He has made some decisions lately that I do not agree with, and because he made them, I lost some respect for him. I know these things are true, so why did my stomach flip when I heard his voice in my home?

When I break up with someone, whether or not I do it or he, I feel the need to prove myself better. I have to get hotter, move on faster, date someone faster, get laid faster, fall in love faster. I know in my heart that this comes from a need to build back up my self esteem and prove myself. Prove to myself that yes, you can fall in love and someone will fall in love with you, and it will last forever. What I don't know is how to fix that. How do you just make it go away and be confident and complete in yourself?

My thoughts are so scattered right now, I need some time to compile them. Over the past few days I have been working on posts about the woes of dating, but now it all seems to petty. All of a sudden, I realized that I had bigger issues to fix, bigger worries to come to terms with. I need to get away, I think, be alone with my thoughts and come to terms wit myself, where I am now and where I want to be.

05 December, 2007

So I have seen Babyface twice now, and we have talked on the phone everyday since we met. On our last date, we watched Monday Night Football at my house and ordered pizza. he held my hand, we chatted all night, he left in time for me to get to bed and still get my six hours of sleep. For all intents and purposes, things are going well.

So why did I start to freak out today?

I met Babyface via my Internet Dating Service of Choice. Today, I was checking my email on the site and I noticed that he was "online now." Ugh. Now, I know we've only known each other for a few weeks, and I know that we are not anything serious, but just seeing that he was on there looking at other women made me a little sad. It made all those little insecurities that I hide away from everyone come out.

Am I boring him?Am I not good enough?Am I not pretty enough?Is he only hanging out with me until something better comes along?

There is a side of me that is brave, confident and knows that any man would be lucky to have me. I am smart, beautiful, easy to get along with, confident and I know what I want out of life. Then there is a side of me that is still a chubby, nerdy little girl with not many friends. That side of me questions myself, and in the past, it was this ugly side that when it would rear its head, I would push men away. Instead of staying the fun, carefree, confident me, I would turn into the clingy girlfriend who questioned everything.

And here I am again, starting to question things. Which I know is ridiculous, that is the difference. now i can stop myself, override the insecurity. Fake it! But the question is, how do I make it go away? How do I stop it from happening? Does it happen to everyone? Or when you meet The One, does it not happen??

I wish I knew the answer. I suppose for now, all I can do is be confident, believe in myself and let the cards fall where they may.

And the truth is - I am ready. It may not be Babyface, it may not be with the one after Babyface, but I'm ready! I'm ready to not worry, to not wonder, and to feel 100% confident in myself and I'm ready to just be with someone, and be comfortable.

Edit: Not 5 minutes after hitting "Publish Post," I get a text from Babyface asking me how my night was going. Maybe when you actually put yourself out there, you admit your weaknesses, God or The Universe rewards you. :o)

So go here and read all Laurie's cool advice. From one Southern Doll to another, it's fabulous! Good stuff and not to mention FREAKING HYSTERICAL. And then keep reading her. And buy her book, too! It is on my Christmas list. If I was cool enough to know how, I would totally post the cool picture of her book so you could click on it and buy it, but alas, I am stuck with text.

My question was basically about this here site, and revealing personal info and overcoming the fear of letting those who know me the best know my most personal thoughts and also, being stalked by a total psycho.

To answer my question, Laurie very graciously said that yes, Southern Doll, there is fear in everything BUT YOU HAVE NOT BEEN STALKED YOU CRAZY LADY YOU. Ok, not really like that, she was much nicer, as you can read. But the point is, don't be scared! Move forward! Live your life!

So since Laurie and her wisdom are like my Southern Sherpa, I will begin revealing more. I will slowly try to let go of fear. I will post pictures! I will go ahead and make this a real, actual blog!

Hi, Internet. My name is Courtney. I am 26 and I live in Kennesaw, GA.