Dear blog reader, sorry we didn’t hire you

Shortly before taking the single sentence leap into unemployment, I was still pretending to drink the Kool-Aid and help my asshole boss “build the business.” This involved replenishing our dwindling supply of employees because everyone we hired had unreasonable expectations like being treated with dignity and respect.

We originally used a recruiter—she charged $1k a hire and was really good at digging up desperate new Denverites who were willing to surrender their soul in order to survive the increased cost of living. That’s where he found me and that’s how we hired our next three employees. Who all quit.

Despite my loathing, I decided I could save him the $1K and post a job description myself:

“Get in on the ground floor” = You will literally be ground into the floor.

“Opportunity for advancement” = As in you will advance yourself right out of here within at least 6 weeks unless you have deep-seated issues like me and like staying in bad situations long past the point of denial.

“Work smarter, not harder” = Do you mind if your boss calls at 9PM on a Wednesday because he can’t find the almond milk in his fridge?

We had dozens of applicants so I did what everyone does when faced with a stack of resumes: I stalked them on the interwebnets:

Sorority girl limp arm pose in your profile picture? ELIMINATED

Comment that includes “u r” or “your the best?”ELIMINATED

You’re an R+F consultant who posts about it 19 times a day? ELIMINATED

But then I recognized a name and this is why you guys should never doubt my love for you– because I see you and I know you and I will never forget even if you only commented one time a few months ago.

I did some checking, and it was true: One of you (the fantastically smart and sexy readers of this blog) applied to work at my old job.

You’d help me with the tough decisions, like which is a better headline: Our Boss is a Dick or Our Boss is a Bag of Dicks?

YOU COULD HAVE HELPED ME FIGURE OUT HOW TO TAKE A SCREENSHOT WHEN HE LEFT HIS EMAIL OPEN BECAUSE OMG THERE WAS SO MUCH GOOD STUFF IN THERE.

In the end, my higher self won and I threw their (your) resume in the shred bin. I felt a little bad knowing there was someone out there who went to the trouble of writing a cover letter only to have it cast aside due to their impeccable taste in online reading material.

Then again, it was also an incredible act of selfless compassion. Can you imagine showing up for a job interview and being greeted by Aussa Lorens in a pantsuit? That just sounds horrifying. I would never do that to you.

I dunno. Maybe the reader who applied for your old job simply wanted to interview there out of morbid curiosity. About your boss, I mean. Not about seeing you in a pants suit. (If I had applied for that reason, I would have sent you an IM explaining that was my intent, of course.)

On the other hand, maybe the reader really isn’t a reader, just someone who accidentally commented to your blog thinking she/he was actually criticizing a potato salad recipe on an unrelated blog. Which would be justifiable grounds for shredding the resume anyway.

It wasn’t me, but now I kind of wish I’d known that an opportunity to take photos of you flipping him off behind his back existed. I’ve had soul-destroying jobs before, so it’s not like I’ve got anything left to take. Plus, I know how to take and quickly save screenshots. So you’d have like three posts off that material, and I wouldn’t need but a a latte as a thank you..

I would love to see you “work”. (no dirty connotations there. I just know you and know work is a 4 letter word to you.) When you are a famous writer and I am a famous celebrity for nothing you can ghost write my autobiography. (That is what we can call bullshitting, eating cheese and making prank calls to random strangers.)

I understand. I once had to talk a close friend and killer employee (we used to work together) out of applying at the warehouse where I worked at the time because it had been doomed by its recent sale to a group of incompetent twits. I don’t regret the decision, as the place went down in flames and it was ugly. And long.
When I read the title to this post in the subject line of my email, before I opened it, I thought you were telling me that I couldn’t be a beta reader for your writing. You do remember me signing up or that, right?

It wasn’t me guys! Even though I really really REALLY need a job, and believe I can put up with a whole lot more than Aussa can, and would find the position fascinating, and have much more staying power and absolutely love the crazy jobs she’s held…..it wasn’t me. I swear. I’m in Chicago.

The services of a hacker with discretion and top servicing are at your disposal, i implore you to try your very best to hire only professionals.
It will increase your chances of getting your job completed.
I was able to hire the services of an elite, asides the fact that i was
provided a permanent solution to the service that was rendered, also gave gave a very efficient customer experience
steelbreaker on techie dot com is the email