At my wit's end!

I am at my wit's end! My husband is in a union and really hates his job. He doesn't really hate the job he just can't seem to get along with anyone he works with and I am sure he is the problem not them. When he has a blowout with someone at work or someone rubs him the wrong way or accuses him of not doing his job, he'll take days off without pay. Ever since he started getting FMLA about 3 years ago he takes time off for anything from a headache, to not getting enough sleep, to wanting to stay home and play video games to simply not wanting to go to work. He "only" gets 4 days off a month for FMLA and he never needs to have a doctor's note or anything just needs to have it re certified every 6 months or so. Yet he takes way more time off than that and doesn't get fired.

He is currently on day 7 of not going to work. These spurts happen every few months. Sometimes it's just a day and other times it's weeks off. One time last year he didn't go in for a full month! He has given multiple excuses from stomach aches to no sleep to whatever but it comes down to he's sick of his job. He has worked in multiple areas of the factory and never staying long because he has issues with at least one person. He asked me last night if there were any openings where I work. I told him about 3 months ago that a job opened up that his MIGHT be able to do (unlikely though) and asked if he wanted to see the job posting. He was all excited and said definitely. I printed it out and handed it to him and he promptly told me to put it on the coffee table and he'd look at it shortly. 3 days went by and the paper never moved. I asked him if he looked at it. He took about a 5 second glance at it and said "Well I'm so ingrained at my job now that I'll just stick it out there". I don't think he's motivated to even update his resume.

He now has been asking a friend about a job on the ferries but there's no jobs available and you have to pay $4000 just to get into the union. He JUST maxed out in pay too at his current job. Made a $12/hr jump in May to $36 an hour. Said how we'd be on easy street from here on out. He has yet to work a full paycheck to see just what that would be. He couldn't pay his share of bills or mortgage at $24/hr and even with what he is making now is only coming home with $800 a paycheck after child support and his loan payments are taken out. His next paycheck will only have 3 days on it rather than 10!

He will never find a job that pays as much as his one does now. Of course I should have known when he maxed out that he would immediately want to find another job where he'll probably have to start at $15/hr. If I bring up how I hate he's doing this he'll immediately get defensive and tell me I have a great job and don't know what it's like to work with idiots and how he needs to find a job where he's happy. I agree, but not if it means moving to the bottom of the ladder again at 46 years old to most likely start a job that you'll hate in 2 months anyways.

What can I do to convince him to stay at his job and go to work? He doesn't want to go to his job, he doesn't want to seem to take the time to update his resume. It's like he wants someone to say "We don't need to interview you or look at your background but here's a job that pays $30/hr and you can start tomorrow!"

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One of the situations that plague my mind has been employment. My spouse started his own construction business in 1982. He has stuck with it for all these years. It is HIS. He cannot let anyone help or suggest or do anything.

Well, we certainly have the ability, wisdom and gifts, but it makes him an angry hornet, so the pay-off renders the position that he cannot let anyone do anything. .

It is maddening for me to watch his talent and gifts and ability to solve problems that no one else can - just limp along. I BELIEVE it could fly. Maybe he is afraid of success? Who knows. After 32 years, he has his patterns of how he works, and that is what he does. No amount of cheering or encouraging or standing behind him has helped.

It really would not bother me if he would live within our means. I can budget - but if he won't get on board, it does no good.

And then there is the issue of me getting a job - NO WHERE can I just get a clerical/accounting job that pays $95.00 per hour. So, the problem that ensues when I get a job is: he won't help with domestic chores- That acorekeeping thing he does gets into play with $95.00 per hour is more valuable than $19.00 per hour, so......

So, I finally see I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't.

Some dynamics here are driving ME insane - he turned off his business answering machine over 4 weeks ago. The message box is full - about 30 messages - ALL unheard. Now the machine just tells callers that no one is available to take their call, and directs them to call back later.

So, I scheduled myself to work every spare minute I can at our local fair. It is a once a year job that occurs around this time of the year. I work Fridays and Saturdays and my regular job, and so now my own brain will be focused else where so I do not stew on that ignored machine.

We had always previously put a message that told callers we were booked solid, and to call an alternate professional if they had an emergency. So is this another thing he will do his own way????

Stunning. I keep backing away, staying clear, letting him so what he will do. I see things that I never really understood. Same old behaviors, I just am seeing them in a whole new light.

One other odd thing he has started doing, he will not take a clean plate from the cupboard. He will take a dirty dish off the counter, out of the sink or dishwasher, wash it and use it. That way, he says, he is not dirtying any dishes. Hmm. He does not do any household chores. Except his own laundry. No sheets or towels, just his own clothes. Hard to get myself to see it as something positive, as it came about out of a disagreement, not as a help, or as a meeting of the minds to equally divy up the responsibilities around here.

*******I have recently seen a lady looking back at me from the mirror - and I said, "Hello friend. Long time no see!""*******

There seems to be so many issues with employment with under-treated ADHD. And, the blame is ALWAYS the other person at work (or people) NEVER them. I've gone through this with my under-treated ADHD husband as well. He got very good grades in school and college (honors), got advanced degrees, but didn't think THROUGH what job he was capable of doing. He got degrees in music education, but didn't want to be a teacher. I am a musician, so I know the longing of wanting to "make it" as a musician, but my husband was not a performer (per se) even though he had a weekend band that did fairly well. The music he does doesn't come from his "heart", it comes from his head and what he learned, and usually people who "make it" in music have something inside them that's unique and their music comes from deep "within".

Anyway, he's tried so many different avenues of the music business, but since he will only work with HIMSELF, he isn't really getting anywhere. He's been published, but that didn't go anywhere, he's written music for schools all over the country and that died out as well. He's now doing music for an independent movie, but once again, I have my doubts, because the music just isn't inspiring. He HAS to teach music because he wouldn't have a job. I do give him a lot of credit for sticking with it and providing for us, even if it's always paycheck to paycheck. But, we have insurance and still get bills paid.

The hardest thing for me in all this is that my husband spends SO MUCH MONEY on his projects, and "new" avenues of how he's going to "make it". We NEVER get that money BACK. We've been waiting 10 years for him to get paid for this movie thing he's done. But, at least 20 thousand was spent on equipment and such to learn HOW to do it. So we are already in the hole before we get paid. He's hoping it will lead to more work, but the music business (like many others) is about networking and of course "who you know". This business is notorious for nepotism, but social networking is NOT something DH is comfortable with. We used to go to social events and parties and my husband would stand behind me like a little child, and continue saying..."Can we GO NOW"?....."Nobody talks to me"......"Why do we have to be here"?..."CAN WE GO"? I now know that some of that was the ADHD, but you can't HIDE from people and try to make a business work. But, it IS INTERESTING that many, many ADHD'ers have their own businesses because they have such a hard time working with other people. I'm a musician myself, but DH will NEVER listen to my input, but will call others and get THEIR input. I can tell him the SAME THING, someone else says, but he doesn't take me seriously. (it's frustrating)