One of the greatest experiences in a person’s life is going to college. It’s the first big opportunity to leave home, interact with new people from vastly different background and viewpoints and to experience a richer life and understanding of the world. It’s also a fine time to party and get lost in the insanity of thousands of kids with no parents in sight. But at the end of your day, whether it was full of science or Smirnoff, you have to crawl back to your dorm. And who’s going to be there waiting for you?

The Future President

Everything is serious to this person. Your presence is acceptable only insofar as it hinders their studies and advancement in no way whatsoever. To that end, please do not make noise after ten, please knock before entering room, please refrain from any loud music, please keep narcotics out of the building. The Future President is here to attend classes, pick up some extra credits and study during the evenings. You better be here to be quiet and not involve him in anything scandalous or he will one day have the power and wealth to make you vanish.

The Waste

Often seen playing hacky sack or laying on a bed listening to Sublime and Bob Marley, this person didn’t discover weed in college, they just discovered a lot more of it in college. They’re happy to see you all the time, but not happy enough to get up or anything. They’re most proud of their collection of amusingly-shaped bongs and will sometimes even attend class. Late at night he may try to spin those three philosophy classes he attended into a long rant on how he knows the government has a cure for cancer, they’re just keeping it secret to make money off of cancer drugs. Man.

The School Spirit

This person loves your school so much they had three sweaters picked out and worn in before they got there the first day. They attend games, are on student council and organize events to get students active because yay fun! Their bubbly personality also just barely masks a semi-psychotic rage that will be unleashed if you seem to be the kind of person who might sabotage a fun school event or trash talk your school in any way.

The Creeper

Famed resident of co-ed dorms, the Creeper is always a dude who was under the impression co-ed dorm is politically correct code for brothel. He came to school confident that getting laid would be about as easy as getting a newspaper and honestly isn’t even sure what classes he’s enrolled in because they don’t matter. His bitterness will increase exponentially over the course of the year as it becomes obvious girls in college are capable of independent thought and may not want to have frequent sleepovers with a strange dude who loiters around the bathroom for 20 minutes after every shower.

The Overwhelmed

This person went to college because their parents made them. They don’t want to be here they can’t handle being here and they panic over every exam, assignment and approaching deadline. They might be fun to hang out with for about 3 days out of every month, the rest of the time they’re mainlining Red Bull and desperately trying to explain why Falstaff and Samwise Gamgee are basically the same character in at least 5,000 words. If they haven’t dropped out by the time the year ends, they’re going to be a jittering, scattered mess of a human.

The Naïve

This person had no idea what college was going to be like and may have actually been raised in a pumpkin patch or some equally hokey and sad setting. The idea of attending a party in which underaged drinking may be taking place will pose a moral quandary for them of such magnitude they may not actually attend a party until a month or so into the year, at which point everything they ever knew will fall to the floor in a cascade of hard lemonade vomit as they start their life anew as “that kid who can’t hold a drink at all.” Fun to hang out with because it’s like going to parties with an alien who’s never experienced human life before.

The Hormone

Like the Creeper but less creepy, this person is by and large well adjusted, likeable and even charming, which is part of the reason it seems like 80% of their time is dedicated to procuring sex, having sex or discussing sex. It’s possible they came to college for an education of some kind, but more likely they just needed to increase their pool of potential sexual partners and this seemed like the best way to do it. They’re generally a good bet for knowing where to find the best parties, just make sure they don’t drive because they will leave without you.

The Classless

Likeable but oddly shiftless, it’s likely you run into this person everywhere but in a class. They never do homework, they’re never stressed over exams and they’re always available to go somewhere and do something. Are they actually an enrolled student or some kind of narc with a really bad cover? Hard to say, but in a pinch he’s always there so cover your ass by not committing any crimes when he’s around and everything will be cool.

The Ass

Because there’s nowhere on Earth you can go without running into someone who’s such a monumental jerk that you stare in awe sometimes, this guy will be on your floor and, if karma hates you, your roommate. The Ass is the kind of person who rats you out for having an illegal hot plate while he’s been making gin in a bathtub. The Ass will buy a term paper online but point out to the professor how you failed to cite a line in yours. Infuriatingly, he will succeed wonderfully in life. Don’t wait for his comeuppance, it will never happen.