U.S. Budget Analysis: No Money Used Towards Abortions, Billions Given To Legion of Doom Headquarters

by Dwayne Capyberra​September 30, 2015 - Under extreme pressure from Congressional conservatives, a special investigative task force was formed to examine the United States' annual budget to see if any government funds were used to perform abortions. "I know it's technically our job to know what goes into the budget before we vote on it, but I enjoy yelling and taking naps far more," said an unnamed Arkansas Representative.

After nearly three months of in-depth analysis, the team, dubbed “the Scooby gang” by a cartoon and Buffy enthusiast, came to some startling conclusions. Lead investigator Shlooby Darken explained his findings in a prepared statement:

"When tasked with this job, we were told to find anything relating to abortion or other suspicious activities. While we are relieved to announce that no government funds are used by Planned Parenthood to perform abortions, we did find a troubling and possibly deadly oversight.

“For the past year, the U.S. government has been funding the construction of a Legion of Doom headquarters, a la the sixties cartoon Superfriends, and other nefarious villain activity.”

At this time, there is no clear data about exactly how much money has been given over to this definitively evil organization, due to the murder of most Scooby gang members by supervillains, but we can confirm that the amount is well over five billion dollars. Aside from the signature headquarters, the money has also been used to create recruitment videos, train henchmen, and bribe public officials.

“Without the intervention of masked vigilantes, the nation may be doomed," Darken cautioned.​

Despite the terrifying implications, conservatives do not seem to consider these troubling findings actionable, and are adamant that their assumptions about Planned Parenthood are still correct. "I'm convinced that this is exactly what that documentary The Matrix was trying to warn us about," said Senator Ted Cruz. "This is just the machines' means of distracting us from the real truth...that Planned Parenthood is the root of all evil in America."