So I married and divorced a sociopath, but we’re connected at the hip for life because we share three children.

(It’s been sixteen years so far.)

And last year, he sued for full custody of two of them. The boys. We’re still in court today, trying to work out the details of that.

Because despite all the issues I’ve experienced in the family court system since 2007, in this instance the professionals involved did (finally) manage to ask why we’re back in court and why I should lose custody.

My ex had his full list of reasons, but man, I’ve been fighting back. Which means defending myself as a parent.

Sending photographs to the guardian of the kids and I—since birth.

Reminding them all that I have no physical or mental impairments.

Reminding them all that there’s no real reason for cutting me out.

Trying to educate everyone I’m working with on parental alienation. Without offending in any way.

(And by the way, I have to admit that after all these years of being in court with my ex, I’ve borrowed and sold and bartered just about every way I can to keep up. The only reason I can continue today is because my parents have helped me out even more than they’ve been able to. They hurt because of me and my situation. So I’m not trying to look like a superstar hero by posting these things—these actions. Instead, I’d like to say that the only way it’s even possible for me to participate is because other people have lifted me up at their own sacrifice. And because of that, I will always and forever lift others up. In any way I can. Because I know what it’s like to need, and I know it can happen just after the moment of standing on your own at the top of your own personal success.)

So that being said, I’ll get back to the professionals and my vehement protests—”I don’t want to be eliminated from my children’s lives!” So they’ve given me a trial period. I can try to prove something to them.

That I’m a worthy parent.

Of my sons.

Regardless of what my charming, believable ex has to say.

The Sociopath is So Likable That It’s Easy to Forget

Now remember, my ex doesn’t want our daughter. Just our sons. Who knows why. But regardless of any reasons, you’d think that the court might raise an eyebrow over the fact that he’s actively trying to split the family along gender lines.

Nope. No one has batted an eyelash over that.

I haven’t heard one single curious moment in the past 13 months on that one.

Why not?

Do they think it’s normal to care more for the boys than the girl?

I have no idea. It makes me feel sick, honestly.

Regardless, no one seems to think it’s odd to only want two of your three kids. No one at all.

Except for me.

Sociopaths Like To Be in Charge

So while I’m spending time and money trying to prove that I’m worthy of participating as a parent, I’m also working with my ex and a psychologist.

We meet together with him once a month.

And he’s instructed us to save seats for each other at our children’s events.

After death threats and a public shunning for leaving him, I have to say that it’s pretty brave and maybe even foolish on my part to walk through the hostile crowd of people and sit next to my ex. He’s not just a sociopath. He’s a public figure—a beloved sociopath. And when I left him, no one knew why. No one could see what happened behind closed doors. And he made sure that everyone blamed me.

That was in 2007. Lots of his charmed followers still won’t look at me today.

But they come to our children’s events all the time.

So I walk through them and stand next to the man. The man who made them hate me.

They give him sympathetic looks. I have no idea what they’re thinking, but it doesn’t look kind. After years of this, I’ve learned to ignore it.

My Sociopathic Ex Wants to Coach Me

This is where I’ll get to the point. After all these years of abuse and aggression, I’ve been told to sit with my ex at our children’s games. So I’ve been doing it.

And his response is to violate boundaries.

This is why no contact—absolutely no contact—is so important.

Because he wants to coach me.

What do I mean by that?

I mean it literally.

I’m pretty athletic, and so are all of my children. So is my ex. And he’s been coaching our two boys in track and field because that was his big thing so he wants it to live on through them. They’re doing well. And since the psychologist wants us to stand together at events, we’ve been interacting more in the past four weeks than we have in the past seven years.

And there are already a bunch of boundary issues.

Because I made the apparent mistake of throwing the discus a few times one evening with my sons. My ex was there. It was at his house. I was picking them up and wanted to do what they do. These are my big mistakes. Trying to be friendly. Trying to show the boys that I can participate in their things. Trying to be funny. Trying to be a sport.

Trying anything.

Trying to be friendly.

So my ex jumped right into the role of coaching me.

And what’s coaching? Part of it is power. Being the one in the know. Being the one who has total control in the situation. Being the one in charge.

So I quit throwing pretty quickly and then talked about how awkward it was for the next couple days.

But it gets even a little more awkward—because then he sent me a few texts inviting me to come back so he can coach me some more.

Not our sons.

Me.

He wants to coach me. A forty year old woman. In the discus.

The Sociopath Knows No Contradiction

While he’s inviting me to come back for a coaching session (and no, I’m not going), he’s also calling me on the phone and encouraging me to settle for minimum time with the boys.

He’s also keeping me in court, remember—trying to take full custody of our sons. To “save” them from the woman who is “unfit.”

And he’s even saying (to everyone around) that he can’t understand why we’re still in court. To me, he says, “I called my attorney and frankly, I told him that I’m tired of paying him! And that he better get all our kids nice graduation gift. Let’s just be reasonable and settle this ourselves. We don’t need to waste money on our attorneys. We can settle it. And so while we both know the boys don’t want to see you, I could agree to them seeing you once a week and every other weekend. I could agree to that.”

He’s saying all of these things even though he initiated and has prolonged the court process. And even though he hasn’t been able to agree that I should even have the minimum time when in court.

Confused?

Yes!

The beautiful thing for me is that I’m so detached that I’m not charmed or bewildered by him anymore. And I feel empathy for all those who are. I get it. I know why they like him so much. Why they do and believe what he says.

I just don’t want them to decide that he deserves to own our children.

And I don’t want him drinking out of my coffee cup.

I don’t want him as my coach.

Even if I stand next to him at our children’s events. Or if I decide to participate once in a while.

My participation is not an invitation for a complete boundary violation.

Or maybe it is, to a sociopath.

So for all of you who don’t have a court professional telling you that you have to have contact, I’d like to reaffirm the idea of NO CONTACT. Be really serious about it. Especially if you’re fresh out of the relationship.

It’s too confusing to maneuver.

It’s too much contradiction for one soul to take.

Just get yourself away from it—save yourself the time of sorting it out.

Because even if the sociopath enjoys coaching or controlling you, that good feeling is never going to last.

And they’ll still eat you alive. Even while it does.

(This post and H.G. Beverly’s full story can also be found on hgbeverly.com.)

16

Comment on this article

H.G. – you brought up what has always puzzled me – or more accurately, outraged me – about your case. How can the court think it’s ok for him to want custody of only the boys? If you are fit to parent your daughter, why are you unfit to parent the boys?

Sometimes the stupidity of the family court system is endless.

Did you save the texts? If he wants to “coach” you, so that you can be in your sons’ lives, you can’t be that bad of a parent, right?

I haven’t heard a single professional in the court system question his custody move. Not one! No one (besides me) talks about the irony of him complaining about my parenting abilities while leaving our daughter with me.

What I have heard is that they think it’s understandable that he only wants the boys because he’s a man.

Which I think is a gross assumption that’s degrading to all involved. What are they saying about a man’s sense of value between sons and daughters?

And yes, I kept the texts. What’s interesting is that I’ve been keeping texts for years, and my attorney says that makes me look bad. Like I’m a “documenter.” Which is apparently looked down on.

But then if you show up without anything, they tell you to be quiet and go get some evidence. I’ve been trying to navigate that confusing circle for years.

You’re right! It’s a crazy nightmare.

May 9, 2014 7:24 am

Stargazer225

My Dh has a lot of mental illness he’s been diagnosed with (all of the diagnoses fall into narcissism as far as I’m concerned.) But your custody issue really bothers me. Your kids are yours. You share them. In California, even mental illness isn’t a reason to keep one parent away. So what could cause one parent in other states to get full custody?

Right now, CA is pretty pro-male — but I have waited long enough where there will be no custody issues (hooray!) Still, I’m dumbfounded by states still thinking a child is better off with one parents and not both. We all know which one would be best when parenting with a narcissist/sociopath, but they’ll never see that.

May 9, 2014 4:51 pm

Viewpoint

I get that you’re aggravated and get why you are aggravated but it’s for far graver reasons than boundary issues, the weird coaching thing or double talk. Please do not ignore or forget the following:

You are absolutely right about the boomerang effect of being the best documenter: It has the look and feel of vilifying the other parent and since every custody case does that, it’s not only tiresome, it’s downright maddening. Step as far away from your situation as you can to see it as the court does: That two parents are going to ante up their children’s lives in a gamble that charges a 3rd party (who doesn’t know squat about anything relevant to these kids) with the decision about these children’s disposition. That’s how reckless the thing is that you’re a part of. And you’re the one to say “ I don’t want them (the court) to decide”.” Without giving them any other option but to make the call on where the boys go.

These court officiandos and sidekicks despise making this critical call and despise you both for forcing it on them. They feel that until they’ve numbed themselves enough from it to not much think about the impact or care anymore. Trust me: Neither of you can charm them enough to overlook the irresponsible lunacy of what you’re doing. In the end, the court will decide what is least dislocating and most accommodating to the children. If these are older children, the court will likely decide by their preference because it would risk peril to not do that: Kids act out or run away if they don’t get some say. All things being pretty much equal between you, it will be the parent who shows themselves to be most accommodating to the other that will carry weight.

Of course, you got here furiously to defend yourself and your parenting. And it is all defensible, I’m sure. Most of us are “good enough” parents; even though the flaws are broadcasted all over in court. But there’s something indefensible about you both that you’ve got think about: That you’ve both spent a year + (and some years past) in battle and preoccupied with the battle” Which has been, a good part of these kids’ childhoods. With certainty, I can say that there is only one thing your children (and any children want): The battling to stop and their parents to return their attentions to the kids and life, itself, in earnest. And they don’t want you or your ex sad/mad anymore either.

Are you willing to do that? I realize that you didn’t start the battle and you may not have instigated it either. However, I imagine that you didn’t do enough to appease and thwart it or you wouldn’t be in this mess. Your options now are that: 1) You urge him to join you and the kids in a meeting to discuss the things that each of you wants and needs in the spirit of true negotiation with the earnest attempt to stop the battles. You give the kids first dibs with the intent to give them what they want. I assume these are teen or preteen boys. You will be greatly surprised at how much they will give in return. Many years ago, I had such a meeting about one son in his preteens. He came in to the meeting stocked with his ammunition to do battle with me about where he wanted to live. He got that ammunition from his step father. I dismantled his armor and poised launch in one fell swoop by saying “Ben, I love you. And while this is not my wish for you, I will give you my blessing because, above all, you need to know that I love you and will respect that you have your reasons for believing this best for you.” He melted right down and we embraced in love. Two months later, he came home. It’s just lame business to be sitting together at sports events when you’re in a war with each other: Talk about contradictions! Do something that is true and earnest to stopping the battle. Or, 2) You let the proceedings take their course, keeping them at arm’s length and keeping your mind off them. The wrap up of this will neither be dramatic or terrible. He can’t get sole custody and if he does get primary domicile with joint custody, it has advantages to you that you can’t imagine yet” if you play it right.

I’ve been on all sides of custody outcomes. For ages 7-13 years my son’s primary domicile was with his father. Yes, his father was a thorn in my side but having my son every other weekend afforded me the opportunity to clear those weekends for just memorable times with him. I was down and out like you, I had two other sons to provide for as well. So the demands on me were rather rigorous. However, knowing that those 48 hours were all I had to be with him, upped my game so that I devoted the time to him. The things we did on a shoestring budget were so much fun and memorable to both of us.

And for the attention I put into that time, deeper bonds were formed than those with my other two sons. When we are parenting our children 24/7 with all the other demands involved in providing for them, your attention is drawn away to other competing responsibilities and the time you have with them is taken more for granted. It happens. Another advantage was that I didn’t have to discipline this son and be the heavy: There wasn’t much chance of him getting into trouble in 48 hours. As much as it panged to not see every moment of his life, those 6 years were actually the most touching years with him. And they stand out for both of us today. (However, I wasn’t ignorant to the fact that as he grew older, I wasn’t going to be his first choice of company, his peers would be. That’s true for all older children. So, you have to put their friends in the equation as well.)

His father lost domicile of our son for becoming the rigid, tale telling, documenting lunatic when I petitioned for custody (because the father was relocating). The father had it all: The better provisions for my son, the lifestyle my son was used to, the neighborhood/friends my son had, the physician label”. But he blew it badly for not recognizing that between the fact that he would be dislocating my son and he was showing the extremes that he would go to make me out to be a villain, he left the court no choice but to return my son to me who, looked to be the more accommodating parent.

Yet, I regret so much that I let my time, energies and thoughts go to the battles for custody. I really do. I’m 61 years old now; so I got the advantage of seeing the whole story/big picture retrospectively. The occupation/preoccupation with the battles, cost me the closeness with my two other sons because inevitably, you become emotionally distant; your unavailability shows. The lesson is that it isn’t geographical distances that fray bonds, it’s emotional distances. You can have anything you want, you just can’t everything you want. You can want your children together but you got to do it at the war which is heavy. And you can’t tell the worth of what choice you made until many years later.

Mine did seem worth it (then) but only for the fact that the father’s relocation some several states away would have reduced my time with my son to a summer vacation. I’m not so sure about the worth of the intangibles, though, ie, the father’s troubles with relating and finding psychiatric diagnoses for everyone/everything. I probably saved my son several rounds of therapy and
for it, becoming a neurotic. And bringing this son back into the fold gave him the bonds to his older brothers that they all enjoy today. However, this son would have prospered whether with me or with the father, no doubt.

I wouldn’t argue it as “sick” that the ex wants to splice up the siblings because his argument will make that one look as if you are vilifying him. He will say that he believes himself to better manage two boys as a father as you more capable of managing your daughter. Whether that’s true or his true intent, who knows? But his argument sounds more noble than your counter argument. So, just stay with the argument that when you are both dead and gone, the siblings only have each other and their bonds are forged in childhood.

And I doubt your children will really be gullible for alienation because of their ages and time with you. What the boys are saying now, are just manipulation tactics… If they are teens/preteens, welcome to adolescence! And it’s not about you but about being with their friends/buddies. Notice how anytime you have an issue with a teen, they try to derail your issue by bringing up theirs?I used to say to mine “Not on my time/dime: If your issue is real, then you speak it on your time, anytime. This is my time.” Kids, with warring parents, actually get very well trained to seem agreeable: It’s the shortest way to get off a subject that they don’t want to entertain. And they don’t want to entertain it nor should they. Don’t expect them to go into battle for your sake or his, they just want to get by the business and get back to their lives. Remember: They are dependent on both of you and they know the lay of the land. Take what they say to you right now as a tactic to get what they want. Take what he says that they say as putting words in their mouths. And this training that they get of how to navigate the warring waters, actually serves them well in their adulthood: They tend to be pretty easy going, unflappable and artful at working around controversies. So, people like them, alot.

Last thing: You know how people will say to you “Someday, the kids will know their father for who he really is?” Don’t ever let that be a comfort to you”. Your ex was pretty incomprehensible to you eventually, right? That’s why you left but it hurt and haunted bad. You don’t want that for your kids. You want to protect them from things incomprehensible because that can carve a San Andreas fault line in them that, given a good shake up, can open up and swallow them… And life has it’s shake ups. Better to help them think better of the other parent than you know of the ex. How they think of either one of you will have life long effects.

May 16, 2014 9:54 pm

AnnettePK

You see it accurately that he wants to own/have the boys. Is he framing it to others in terms of something like, ‘boys need a man/their dad more?’

He says that I’m deficient as a human being, really. He tells the court that he tries to “make” the kids have a relationship with me, but because the boys are old enough to understand all of my deficiencies, they “hate” me. It’s very confusing to the professionals, I’m sure, because I don’t actually do any of the things that would give anyone a red flag. I’m the team mom, I’m clean, I’m super loving, I provide for them, I show up for everything. I love them and care for them. Regardless, he positions himself as “saving” them from me. It’s classic parental alienation. If the targeted parent isn’t really deficient in a way that the court can see, then the aggressor has to resort to brainwashing or other deceptive tactics to “win” the kids.

And he wants to “win.”

The damages are enormous and I’m sure will show ripple effects over time.

Both attorneys involved in the case (even his) have admitted that they think he’s actively working to alienate them (especially the boys) from me. But his attorney excused it, saying that “he doesn’t really mean to do it.”

It’s really complex.

May 9, 2014 10:34 am

tda745

I have never commented on any site or forum before but I have to say that your book is incredible, I finished it bout a week ago and found it to be chilling and moving , I couldn’t put it down. I did not date or marry a sociopath, my best friend who was also my ex gf and an employee became involved with a spath and he could not and would not allow her to be friends with me . he completely took over her life and he also turned my life into a living hell. non stop threats while she work for me, always mentioned his ” team of lawyers” ( the only lawyer he had was court appointed – surprise) tried to extort money from my company and also turned me into the state and caused an investigation- all lies of course. he claimed to not have children but I found out he has 3 and owed over 30 grand in back support. well, long story short I told her the truth and he talked her out of it and manipulated her into turning on me. since then its been torture- someone loosened the lug nuts on my work vehicle and 3 lugs broke off and the wheel almost fell off . we had 2 vehicles that I paid for when we were together that were in her name and he forced her into selling them on craigslist plus he threw all my belongings out of a large pole barn that we purchased together . I had to have the cops take me to retrieve my stuff and it was piled up out in the mud. it goes on and on, I could probably write a book myself:)….anyhow please,please,please keep up the work you are doing to warn people p.s truly one of the best books I have ever read-tda745

The man you describe sounds miserable, and I hope he’s out of your life now. It amazes me how the same individual can openly destroy people, property, and relationships, and yet still manage to come off as the victim or the savior to many if not most involved.

I send you my best wishes,

H.G.

May 11, 2014 8:54 am

Imara

I was curious… has a CASA volunteer ever been involved? Just a thought…they may be recognized by the court as having only the kids’s best interest at heart!! They normally do a great job of advocating for the children. And they train their volunteers well!!!

May 9, 2014 11:25 am

russconte

I want to thank you for saying “The Sociopath Knows No Contradiction” – I’ve never seen it put that clearly. Your situation is difficult, but you are doing all the right steps for your kids, and that’s what matters most. The examples you cite (and many more here on LF) show how true it is that they just don’t get the contradiction – as if they can personally bend the laws of nature to their own will, so there’s no contradiction.

Obviously there is no need to coach you. On anything. I wonder if he would be up for some parental coaching, starting with loving and wanting ALL of your kids, not just 2 out of 3.

Keep up all the good work, and keep us posted. I join with everyone else here in wishing you success in the custody battles, even as the court system can sometimes be endlessly stupid.

May 9, 2014 6:50 pm

Bally

HGBeverley, my biological father and mum split before I was born. I have a brother one year older. He was fighting for custody of my brother and used to “kidnap” him for several hours. Mum’s lawyer said that my father didn’t want either of us and to take a risk and tell him that he could have us both – and hopefully he would then just disappear. But she wouldn’t take the risk and won custody anybow. However, he was allowed to see us and was ordered to pay maintenance. He wouldn’t pay it so they kept going to court. She then offered (through the court) that he wouldn’t have to pay anything in exhange for giving up any rights to us. He signed the deal. Proof he wasn’t even interested in seeing us – just winning a game.

I don’t know what to say to you as the are no words than can describe your nightmare. I guess I would be risky pointing out that he only wants the boys (and what that says about him) in fear then he also targets your daughter just to punish you. Have you used any evidence about his sociopathic behaviour? Anything that is so awful that the court would then arrange for psychiatrist to make an assessment of him? Does your lawyer have experience in dealing with personality disorders?

So, so, sad and so unfair.

May 10, 2014 7:36 am

Bally

HGBeverly, I’m quite new to LF and just seen you have written a great book. Ignore my questions as you will have explored everything! It would be great to learn what works and what doesn’t as I think my brother will head down this road at some point. Looking forward to your posts. I’m so so sad for what you are going through. Thank goodness you are not under his spell.

I just wanted to take a moment and thank everyone who commented on my post thus far.

(Thank you.)

I’ve been in some form of close relationship (whether partner or co-parent) with my sociopathic ex since 1998. And it’s exhausting.

I’m exhausted.

But your comments (and care from afar) are incredibly energizing. After decades of feeling lost and then invisible and actively silenced, I’m actually making connections. My story is impacting people, like you, and you can see me. And you’re engaged with my situation. You care about the outcome and want to help.

There are so many of us who want to help each other. That’s what creates change! And it gives me hope that if we’re persistent, we can make a difference.

Thanks to Donna for providing the space for these conversations. And thanks to everyone who cares to share. I like to think that we’re all helping each other move forward.

Best wishes,

H.G. Beverly

May 11, 2014 9:04 am

stillinshock

The first thing that hit me in your post was the incredible manipulation tactics he is employing (Easy to spot for me because mine did the same type of things)….Mine would be alternately really nice to me or play the victim or threaten to destroy me depending on what he felt would get him what he wanted. He is a good actor. My lawyer said he is a better liar than I am at telling the truth (meaning, he was so convincing in his fairytale plethora of lies).

He is trying to wear you down just so you will go along with him on his new project. He is not willing to let go of his control of you. It is exhausting, because he is an emotional vampire and he is sucking your life energy, and you are somewhat stuck because of your children. I feel so bad for you. I have a daughter and I have 2 more years of this BS and we will be free. He tried to alienate her but claimed it was me in court. He tells her she has to choose who she loves (she can only love one of us) and that I am a bad parent, bad person, blah blah blah. Backfired on him though because it made her angry. She hates him. 2 more years *sigh*

I got a P.O. against him. It was difficult and took 2 tries, because he fights them and will say whatever he thinks the judge wants to hear. But I got it. The lesser contact helps me from being sucked dry by him.

Hopefully your boys will see for themselves what the deal is in time. And I wish there were some way you could not have to have contact, but with the custody fight and you having to do what the professionals advise, it puts you in a tough situation. My heart bleeds for you. 🙁

May 14, 2014 5:18 am

AnnettePK

What a nightmare. I was feeling sorry for myself due to some fall out this weekend from the ex P’s smear campaign of me, but your experiences take the cake. There are so many factors that complicate your situation, like your ex having some local notoriety and being a popular person. He sounds very skilled at manipulation and crazy making.

It’s difficult not to focus on how outrageous and nonsensical he acts and on what he ‘should’ be doing. But taking a look at what he really is motivated by and what drives his behavior might help you get what you want. It’s not possible to ‘win’ with a psychopath because of how they structure the game and change the rules.

Consider that he could care less about the children; what he wants is to engage you, fight with you, take your time and money in the court battle, and then complain about how you are causing it when you are just responding to him.

Is he aware of your website and your participation in blogs like this one? It is a big help to others, but he sees it as you focusing on him (that’s how deranged they are) and it may give him a lot of payoff satisfaction that your time and efforts are taken up by something he thinks involves him.

If he likes to fight and to get your focus on endless court battles, he is motivated to keep taking your time and getting you to respond.

Are there any aspects of the grey rock technique you could use to help you get what you want? Something along the lines of you letting him think you are not all that interested in the children, that it would be great if he kept them so you’d have free time to enjoy dating or sailing or something. Once a P thinks that his victim cares about something, she is so vulnerable to him. It’s better not to reveal anything to them and to let them think things about our motivations that are not true. In my situation, that has helped me to get some things that are good for me, but he doesn’t really know it.

Have you considered whether your attorney is able to deal with him? Sadly, many attorneys subtly encourage disagreement and argument since there’s more money in it for them.