Bicester to become enormous brothel

Residents of the market town of Bicester are said to be divided over news that it is to be expanded by up to 100% before being turned into a giant brothel servicing the needs of shifty looking men throughout the home counties.

Some locals have hailed the project as one that will put Bicester on the map, but many residents are concerned it could create too much pressure on the town’s infrastructure and lead to major traffic problems.

One worried resident explained “Many people drive past Bicester on their way to go punting in Oxford or visit Whipsnade zoo. If just 50% of them decide to stop for a quick knee trembler behind a skip then the present road structure will be entirely unfit for purpose.”

The town, which has a population of 31,000, was previously notable for the former US Air Force base in nearby Upper Heyford but in recent years it has grown rapidly. One local councillor said “Now it’s going to be known for ladies of the night and rent boys. It’s all very hotel motel. Bicester is going to make Amsterdam seem like radio 4”

Another resident we spoke to told us “Providing they build the infrastructure first and get the new “shopping facilities” in, and they sort the roads out around Bicester, if they do that first I have absolutely no problem and they can turn it into a gargantuan metropolis of a knocking shop.”

Bicester is thought to have been singled out due to its attractive location just off junction nine of the M40 and good train links to London, Birmingham and Oxford.