About

Omega Meme

“Three Things meme. The three things are supposed to be things that you would like to see occur in your lifetime--serious or silly or sentimental…(leaving out, as Kent did, Peace In Our Lifetime, Cure for Cancer, all the standard stuff)”

Okay Omega, here goes.

Three things…three things…in my lifetime.

Well, according to my daughters, I am going to live to be 115 years old, so that puts us squarely at year - can you believe I need a calculator for this? - year 2081. Don’t bother doing the math. I’ll be 40 this August.

Golly, well, things that are going to happen whether I wish them or not are, I expect

flying cars

dolphins working at my husband’s law office

at least one large Near Earth Object will be shot down by Arrowsmith (after they are unfrozen and reanimated) before it takes out Manhattan

my kids will finally be doing their own laundry (Oh, if only!)

But okay, three things I’d like to see happen and we’re leaving out the standard Cure All Illness, Peace on Earth, End World Hunger, No More Fear, Better Schools, My Children Grow Up Healthy and Safe, Self-Washing Clothes….

You know, I have actually read something about a type of nanotechnology that will be used to clean clothes. Microscopic robots that you’ll just shake onto your clothes and these teeny machines will scoot around and eat away the stains and smells and then iron your clothes, hang them on hangers, and then add a spritz of lavender or citrus, your choice. Gosh, I wish I could find a link. Maybe I just dreamed this.

1) My mother-in-law write a book. Or get her professional writing published into one or two handy-dandy, perfect-for-gift-giving-at-$26.95 books. Either or. A little journalism, a little fiction. More Capote than Frey.

And then a movie deal.

I expect Ron Howard to direct and, of course, he’ll most likely cast Bea Arthur to play me and Tom Hanks to play my husband. What I’m really looking forward to, however, is the Bollywood remake with Aishwarya Rai cast as a taller, slightly more exotic version of me

and John Abraham as the role of my dashing paramour.

(Although, maybe I could stand in for Aishwarya in some of the scenes with John Abraham. You know, stunt work.)

Our wedding will be an all-out bhangra extravaganza with plenty of twist-the-light bulb-pat-the-dog dancing in front of wind machines, my sheer red sari outlining the curves of my figure, my green-blue eyes lined seductively with kohl. Of course, in classic Bollywood style, my husband and I will never kiss on screen. However, the scene where we both sip from straws plunged into the same Coca Cola bottle? Yeee-ouch! Red hot! Get the cold showers ready!

So, I’m hoping my mother-in-law will write a book like that.

2) I’d like anything that makes noise to be outlawed.

Really.

I know that this is completely subjective, that one person’s noise is another person just enjoying a bass line played at 130,000 decibels at 8AM Sunday morning while they are washing their car in their driveway.

But, in my lifetime, I’d also like to be made queen so that I could just make these decisions and everyone would abide by them without griping because I would also throw such good dinner parties and everyone would want to be on the invite list.

And leaf blowers! Did I do a leaf blower rant on my blog yet? No? Well, it’s coming.

So, okay, for now strike number 2 what with the noise and the subjectivity and people who absolutely need to use a leaf blower WWWWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHH for forty minutes at a time to chase dirt off their driveways. People who stand in one spot WWWWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHH blowing the dirt to the next spot three inches away, WWWWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHH and then take another five minutes to blow that next pile WWWWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHH another three inches down the driveway WWWWHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHH when honestly, I could get the entire driveway clear of dirt in five minutes total with a good lint brush and a roll of duct tape.

Instead:

2) I’d like to be made queen.

And finally, in my lifetime I’d like to see occur

3) Teletransporters. I’d travel a lot more if I could have one of these in my basement. You know, not even necessarily time travel or long distance travel. Just enough to get me to work, maybe a quickie trip to Philly’s Italian Market for lunch, etc.

And, okay, after the kids are in bed, it would be nice to have a glass of wine, oh, how about in Madrid?

Don’t get me wrong, I love airports and 14 hour trips in the minivan with cantankerous children and their small bladders and their big…personalities.

Of course, the teletransporter would have to be able to accommodate children safely and without the need for specialized children’s teletransporter seats that I’d have to lug in and out, make sure they’re strapped in correctly, and then wrestle with in wintertime what with the snow suits and the diaper bag and the arguments over not bringing sippy cups and Cheerios in the teletransporter because first of all they make a mess and I‘m the one who always ends up vacuuming the damn teletransporter, and second, remember that time the bioreconstructor valvulator and was broken we didn’t know it and Mommy rematerialized in the preschool parking lot with a Cheerio permanently lodged in her thigh?

Because if that’s the way it’s gonna be, then just forget it.

Pssht…teletransporters.

What a hassle.

So, there you have it.

Now, really…I’m all about World Peace and End Of Bickering Over Definitions of God and No More Laundry.

But, if fancy is to rule the day, I think I’ve spelled out pretty clearly my fanciful hopes for the future.

I don't mind laundry, but I hate it that the owners of the laundered clothes don't immediately retrieve their belongings. Instead, they allow them to sit in the basket--all packed together--until they retain the shape of said basket when dumped out. I really hate that.

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