Sexual Assault Trauma, Triggers, and Happiness #mentalhealth

This year has been a rollercoaster ride for me. There’s been ups and downs and a few unexpected stops. Recently I received some life-changing news and it threw me for a loop. At first, I was in denial but before I even realized it, I was in a state of depression. For several weeks I slept the day away, avoided talking to anyone, and didn’t want to be bothered with anything. I could feel a pit of sadness in my gut—aching and gnawing at my insides like a bad case of food poisoning. What was it that sent me into this downward spiral?

My 22-year-old daughter advised me that she was pregnant. The same 22-year-old who is in her 3rd year of college several states away. Needless to say, this was an unplanned pregnancy.

Learning that you’re about to become a grandmother for the first time should be joyous news, right? Then why did I feel so depressed…and confused…and uneasy. It had been 23 years or more since I felt that kind of depression.

23 years?

Then it hit me. Twenty three years ago I was sexually assaulted by someone I knew. He held me against my will for over 24 hours and physically beat me and raped me, repeatedly.

And after it was all over, the cops said it was his word against mine and there was nothing they could do about it {this was the early 1990’s}. What was I left with?

A growing uterus. I had my rapist’s baby growing inside of me.

Today, that baby is the amazing 22-year-old who is about to become a mother herself. It wasn’t my daughter’s pregnancy that made me feel depressed…it was the reminder of how my own pregnancy came to be that triggered me.

Not long after my daughter was born, I went through intensive counseling. Actually, 2 years of intensive counseling. My counselor helped me heal and I went on to become a therapist myself.

Thankfully some of my training {eventually} kicked in and helped me identify why I was feeling depressed. My daughter’s pregnancy triggered my own unhappy pregnancy memories. This is proof that a trauma victim’s experience never really leaves. It lingers in the background and sometimes doesn’t reappear until 20+ years later.

After a period of self-care, and lots of conversation with family and friends, I’m okay now. I’m beyond ecstatic that I’m going to be a grandmother. I love my daughter infinitely and I will love her child infinitely as well.

I am a mother.

I will soon be a grandmother

but I will always be a survivor.

Today, I will be as happy as a bird with a french fry because life just doesn’t get any better than this.

About Kim Dickerson (Winter + Sparrow)

Kim is the creator and founder of winter + sparrow. She's been blogging since 2009 and loves to create. In her spare time, Kim likes to explore Virginia + Washington D.C., go thrift store shopping, read historical fiction books, herd cats, and watch British TV. Kim is a mom, grandma, wife, and multiple sclerosis warrior. She's also a loser. A loser of 100 lbs that is! Want to find out how she did it? Click here to learn more and discover the interesting field Kim previously worked in.

Reader Interactions

Comments

Kimberly, I’m so proud to know you & call you friend for so many reasons. Sharing this story is just one more reason. I wish I’d seen this earlier but I’m glad I’m seeing it now, it’s even more timely. You are so courageous, kind, intelligent & accomplished! Your eaughterr and Granddaughter are so lucky to have you.

I applaud your bravery in sharing your story! Thought the circumstances of your sexual assault are quite different from mine, the consequences on our lives are precisely the same. I am proud to be your brother on our survivor journey!

I am very new to this blogging thing, but have been taken by storm with the help of you and other bloggers. First of all, I want to praise you for continuing your pregnancy until the birth of your beautiful daughter. I am sure it was no cakewalk. I also applaud your honesty with your daughter. Again, it must be very tough to explain the circumstances of her conception while assuring her that she is loved, worthy, whole, and not a reflection of the man who donated his sperm. You ROCK girl!!!! May God bless you and your daughter forever. I am sure she will be a great mom since she has had you as an example!

Thank you for sharing your story. From one survivor to another, each our of experiences is different, but collectively, we are telling the story of violence, shame and, ultimately, healing. I am proud to be your fellow blogger, a new friend and a survivor that you can always reach out to. May peace be yours!

I am so in awe of you and your courage to share your personal story. I am so glad that you are a survivor and went on to lead a happy life. I know that at times life is so hard! Congrats on becoming a grandmother! Your daughter is a blessing to you, and i am so glad that you had her! You are in my prayers.

I admired you before, Kimberly, but I now applaud you and admire you even more for being true to you and putting this out there. You are a role model in so many ways with fortitude and strength more than my words could say. Thank you for sharing yourself this way, and know that your words reach out to people who may or may not comment. You affect with the power of a written word and this is incredibly powerful. Such respect for you. Hugs.

Thank you so much Carol. I have wanted to share this story for years but the time never felt right. It was your “I’m not hiding anymore” post that told me it was time. This is who I am and what I’ve lived through. I’M NOT HIDING ANYMORE!!!!!
It feels so good to get it out there. Even my daughter is proud of me =)

I’m so proud of you for putting your story out there! I know that this wasn’t easy but you did it! You are a true survivor! Congrats on becoming a grandmother and recognizing what was really bothering you. You are awesome!

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