Amy Sohn, Biz Markie and the Horrifying Rise of the “Regressive” Hipster Mom

Amy Sohn’s friends are Hookers, Sluts, and Drug Addicts. Amy Sohn is a Hooker. She wants you to know this. She really, really wants you to know this, because if you don’t know this, it’s like it isn’t true.

And if you don’t know this—if it isn’t true—then Amy Sohn is just another Park Slope mom.

And, you guys, she really wants to be a Hooker instead.

Amy Sohn is an author who lives in Brooklyn and who has a book coming out. I’m going to leave aside my not unsubstantial fears for the local literary scene when one of its own constructs sentences like: “At a brownstone Brooklyn party in June, perimenopausal mothers with bangs and strappy dresses drank ridiculous cocktails and rocked out to Biz Markie and C+C Music Factory, raising their palms to the air.”

I’m putting aside those fears because they are not what’s important right now. It is not even important right now that Amy Sohn uses—liberally and annoyingly—every current buzzword that references somewhat transgressive behavior. Fifty Shades of Gray! Cocaine! Blowjobs! Boobs! BOOBS! BLOWJOBS!

No, what’s important right now is that Sohn has a book coming out that is all about the wild lives of mothers in brownstone Brooklyn. I’m not going to mention the name of the book here because I don’t want to vomit again. And the fact that this book is coming out is important because it means that the Internet is about to be inundated with think pieces about the “Regressive” mothers that Sohn writes about and I am going to have to bury my face in a pillow for several weeks like I did when the whole “cougar” thing happened.

That was a really uncomfortable time for me!

The good people at The Awl, in an effort to bring all readers and commenters together in a shared blinding, white-hot fury, have published an essay by Sohn that attempts to describe the wild and crazy lives of mothers in the wealthier parts of Brooklyn.

You guys, I don’t want to spoil it for you, but these mothers? They are really wild and crazy. They do things like drinking alcohol. They drink all the alcohol. And they go out without their husbands. Because their husbands just want to sit around and smoke pot and play video games. Their husbands can’t keep up with these wild and crazy women. These mothers watch porn. These mothers do drugs. Drugs like marijuana and cocaine. These mothers have unprotected sex. With their husbands! They go out to dinner at restaurants near the Gowanus Canal. The Gowanus Canal? That shit’s just crazy.