Monday, August 22, 2005

Rachael Ray, Minion of Satan (Dine and Dish #4)

When Sam threw down the gauntlet and called for all to attempt being Rachael Ray for a day, I couldn't resist. I watch her show, "$40 a day," cursing with each meal she eats. You see, something about Ms. Ray just makes my blood curdle. Maybe it's the orgasmic face she makes with EVERY fucking thing she eats (come on, it's not all that good). Maybe it's her poor attempts at being cool. Maybe it's her stupid way of buying a "snack" that ends up being the most expensive thing in her entire day's worth of meals. Maybe it's because some of her choices are just dumb. Maybe I'm just jealous that her job is traveling around the world to eat. In any case, she bugs me. But despite all this, I still watch the friggin' show. It's like the whole staring at a car accident thing -- I just can't look away.

And, I thought, I can eat on $40 a day easily. Especially here in sweet l'il San Francisco. So here's what I'd do with a $40 budget in SF, if I had to dine out all day. Because Lord knows, I would never dine out all day unless a challenge like this were in place. I'll continue writing when the laughter subsides.

BREAKFAST: Tartine. No brainer there. Where else (outside Paris) can you get a delicious, flaky, buttery (but not greasy) croissant? I'll take the pain au chocolat made with Scharfen Berger chocolate for $2.65 please, Alex. Add a cappucino and tip to that and you're looking at about $6.00. Hot damn!

LUNCH:Saigon Sandwich. Make mine a BBQ chicken banh mi, please, with some extra chilis. No charge for the labyrinth-like line. And how about a coke? All this will set you back a whopping $3. That's right, $3. Almost enough for a night with your mama, but not quite.

SNACK: Mitchell's Ice Cream. I'm not going to blow my wad on a snack, and at Mitchell's, I don't need to. Single cone with buko ice cream and chocolate jimmies (that would be sprinkles for those of you who did not have the privelege of growing up east coast style), plus a 50 cent tip for the scoopers who put up with a hell of a lot every day = only $3. Yes, same cost as lunch, but still balls cheap.

DINNER:Pizzeria Delfina. Salsiccia pizza with peppers and onions -- $13.25. And of course, one needs some wine, especially one who had a harrowing experience with the retardo Sprint lady on the phone today, so grab a glass of Montepulciano for a hefty $4. With tax and tip you are looking at $25. That's right, none of this Rachael Ray giving shit for tips bullcrap, I do right by my servers.

So my grand total comes out to $37. Leaving me enough money to grab another croissant at Tartine on my way home so I can eat it for breakfast tomorrow. Mmmm...gluttony.

Stand aside, Ms. Ray, I'm gunnin' for your job.

xoxoJoy

"To eat is a necessity. To eat intelligently is an art."--La Rochefoucauld

I hate food celebrities that have BEEN CREATED OVERNIGHT. Especially since it is hard fucking work to be a line cook or a chef! It's the work of America-- celebrities that come from no where and not on merit. ICK.

ah, jimmies...I was chastised when I first moved to Cali when I asked for them. Sprinkles they said. No, there jimmies, I say and hold to it too. Keep the regional cultures alive and atop my Mitchell's Mexican Chocolate!

Dahhling. You are in such good company - with the Praiser of Sardines and Amy.Hey - can't we bury the hatchett? Puhleease! Kissy, kissy, Mwah, Mwah!Hows about I let you buy me a snack next time I'm in town. You're so sassy, I'd love to meet you. Maybe you could help me toughen up my stylee.

in my house we have turned $40 a day into a fun game... each time rachel takes her first bite of a meal she makes the orgasmic face and says "MMMMMMM...... ?..." our game rests on the next word after the "mmmmm"we bet on what it will be...MMMMM....Wonderful!MMMMM....Amazing!MMMMM....Wow!

Try it out sometime.... may the prize something food related... like the last brownie or something fun.My kids have even joined in on the fun....and now with TIVO... we pause right at the bite and place our bets.

oh, by the way, thank you so much for the recommendation for Dim Sum!It was everything you said it was. Great food ,good prices, good service!

Hey, it's a set with all the ingredients at her fingertips. In my house, I'm a mating mouse on speed trying to cook. In my house, I use Crisco oil. If I ever said EVOO, I'd burst into flames. And that thing with the salt over the shoulder? Rachael, it's a waste of salt and scratches my laminate floor. In conclusion, she's no Michael Chiarella or Giarda but I do keep thinking she'd be just as good in mime.

You know, I don't profess to love Rachael Ray, but the amount of heat she is under for really no reason I can see, is utterly ridiculous. Here is some advice to all you Rachael haters: IF YOU HATE HER, DON'T WATCH HER DAMN SHOWS. You have the option not to watch her, obviously you have to give her credit if you "cant look away." Something is keeping your attention, and in my opinion, it is sheer jealousy in the fact that she is a normal, average girl like any of us, but she is getting paid millions because of it. So back off, she is not that different from you I bet.

Yeah I agree with the other anonymous. And as if that bobble-head Giada ISN'T annoying? That woman has no less than 8 million teeth in her mouth and she feels it necessary to flash them every goddamn second of her show while crooning, "ohhhh you can taste the MUUUUZ-A-RELLLAAAA"

PLEASE. She tries even harder than Rachael Ray, I am 100% Italian and even I hate her goddamn pronunciations.

That food all sounded fantastic. Right now I could really go for a good french pastry. Living in France spoiled me forever. Minnesota does not do them well at all. Execept for Patrick's in Edina. But he is French....

And how's this for you- in England jimmies are called hundreds of thousands. Talk about confusing when I asked for jimmies. And keep on dissing Ms Ray- that woman needs to learn to cook and tip.