That’s what I call the architect of me downfall. Tim. Not as in my stepdad, though you can read something freudian into that if you want; you have a right to your opinion and I have a right to use your teeth as toecaps. No I mean Total Intestinal Maelstrom. These last two days I’ve been fountaining from both ends thanks to a Fillet o’ Fish meal I picked up one stormy night from Maccy D’s.

Now to help all you bowel-obsessives out there get your fix for the day, I’m going to hand you over to Professer S.R. Esser Sr. from the Pulmonary, Rectal and Oral Facility. He’s going to explain to you what you should and shouldn’t do when your guts are mankier than Long John’s long-johns.

“Thenk you. Es en expert in disorders of the gut, colon end pencreatic trect, Eh thought Eh’d begin by simply giving you eh childish list of things you should end shouldn’t eat when you’re vomiting through your nuhse (Dan’s note: actually just did that – neat party trick – well if your idea of a trick is clearing everyone out as quick as possible):