Thursday, July 19, 2012

Look, I get you. This whole "rape" business in porn fighting games is way too much to stomach for you. Whatever happened to good old days, where there wasn't enough memory in a game to pull off something like detailed unconsensual penetration by a hermaphrodite on a preteen girl? How did gamers get their rocks off while satisfying a minimum of videogaming? Why don't we take a look back at the PC Engine not-classic Strip Fighter 2 and find out?

See, Strip Fighter was trying to cash in on the Street Fighter name fame since it was cool to do so. I don't understand if they actually meant to use the name to bring attention to themselves or if they where going for the confused uncles and stepfathers of the world. What I do understand is how huge the jump was from 2 to 4. Here's a visual comparison.

Dry Humping(1994)Dry Humping(2010)

Not to talk more about the future game, but playing the old game makes me realize that each special move and stage and grab and winpose has been completely ported. It wasn't a quick cash in on the Strip Fighter name, no siree. Someone, some human being had to look back at Strip Fighter 2, a mail in game for the PC Engine, and play it, to make sure it was faithful. TO STRIP FIGHTER 2.

Is that Kristen Kreuk I see?

But let's not look at Strip Fighter 2 as a modern game. After all, we'd have to dismiss years of fictional development including Strip Fighter 3, Strip Fighter SEX and Nardvel Super-eros vs Strip Fighter and Tits-I-Knock-On vs Strip Fighter(I got a million of 'em, folks). It's not fair for it to compete with your precious Blaz Blue.

Still, if you have Blaz Blue, play that instead. In fact, just about any game you can mention is better than Strip Fighter 2. The gameplay here is wonky. Gameplay wise, you have six buttons, and two to five special moves The controls aren't even slightly responsive and the physics are below standards of even those times. It's hard to describe how awful the gameplay is on this without giving you a controller. I guess my best description would be that it's like a glorified Tiger Handheld game.

Hey, nice try with the flattering pic, Amanda.

The six original Strip Fighters are here. Bella the Native American, Amanda the Prowrestler, Medusa the mistress of prehensile hair, Yuki the Martial artist, Nina the dominatrix, and Martha the Mohawked. The design was as far away from the anime escapades of Super 4 as possible. You can even tell people's ethnicities!

The graphics are a mixed bag. The backgrounds look nice, but the characters are a little too minimalist for something meant to titillate. Further, there are not enough frames in them. This obviously becomes a gameplay issue as well. Music is nice, though.

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant: the Videogame.

If you're here for the smut(and really, what else would you be here for?), it comes in two flavors: Special moves that magically disrobe your character, and striping. The Special moves are a PAIN to pull of because of control issues. And by the time you're pulled one off(no pun intended) you will be half dead. All for half a second of pixel tits. Not worth it.

Look, I'm gonna hang out here with the timer until you grow up and put some fucking pants on.

The striping is another deal. After wining a round, you will be treated to a limited animation girl in light clothes. Wining a second round removes her clothes. Her vagina is censored, though. Look, buy a porn mag, and get Rock em Sock em Robots. Everytime you win, pull out a page and look at it for 10 seconds. That's Strip Fighter 2.

Penelope Cruz: The big hair years.

You have "Game Start" and Versus. Since the phrase "Do you want to play Strip Fighter?" is a great way to make enemies, let's explore "Game Start". You beat each girl, and watch each strip, until you win them all. Then all the stripings are repeated. No final boss, no credits no nada. There , we explored it. What? That was pretty much MY experience.

Go home and become a little girl!

Playing Strip Fighter 2 makes me even more amazed that 4 got made. 2 is probably on the lower end of the scale of unplayable fighting games I've tried, probably under TMNT Tournament Fighters(Genesis) and Shaq Fu. Was it the result of a corporate buyout, where one guy was looking at IPs and went: "hey, we now own something called Strip Fighter 2!" Was there a lot of demand for a sequel to Strip Fighter 2? Is Strip 4 even a legal sequel? Can I make one? So many answers that, unlike Amanda's breasts, will never be bared to me.

If do right, no want to defense.

But in the end, there wasn't a time when Strip Fighter 2 would have been good enough as a fighting game. Sure, it might have entertained horny little kids for about a week or so with it's nude women, but in the end, anything else that has nude women and doesn't fight back so much is automatically better, and virtually any fighting game is better.

One of this guys is asking you to be prepared for a coup . The other is asking you to be prepared to put hair on your horns . Names are fun....

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