Friday, May 29, 2015

The other day I witnessed something that made my mind swim temporarily. Surely I'd blacked out and had a Twilight Zone experience. That's the only logical explanation. Before I tell you about this I'd probably better play a flashback to a different time...

As we've discussed before I was a fairly unruly kid. I'd pretty much raised myself until I was about 12. Even so, I knew certain things to be absolute truths. I'd seen them in practice and knew the benefits. I'd seen other kids out with their parents and saw how those kids treated their parents and other adults with some modicum of respect. Periodically I'd seen them start to mouth off and catch a whack to the head. Even with my own parents and other elders I knew to keep myself reined in. Self preservation being a strong motivator and whatnot.

Then we have recent times. Here I am witnessing a kid of about 10 telling, what I presume to be his parents, that he wants a new iPad. The word "new" indicated to me he already had one. Lucky bugger. I've got what is basically an etchasketch with tin cans on string. My internet connection is clearly "sketchy" at times. (Sorry, that pun was irresistible).

The fact he wanted one didn't surprise me. The fact he practically demanded one did. Here we are at the mall and this kid starts berating his dad when he was told "not right now". Seriously?! Even I wanted to smack this kid. He's yelling and cussing and making "spoiled brats" look like monks.

Once they finally got "Lucifer's mini me" calmed down (yes, I think there was Holy Water involved) I got to thinking and paying attention to people. Which is probably not something I should do because I end up writing these posts. By the way, going to the mall, for me, is the equivalent to most people going to the zoo. So I decided to think of it like a field trip to the zoo. Here's what I observed...

At the food court I stood in line to buy a straw. There were three animals ahead of me and they all ordered in a similar fashion. Which was "gimme a number XX", "I want ___", "I'll take ___". So on and so forth. When it was finally my turn at the register I said "yes, I'd like to buy a straw please". I got a quizzical look and "um, you want something to drink?". No, thank you, just a straw. "Did you want something to eat?" Good grief, how hard is it to buy a straw? "No. I really just want a straw. Thank you for offering though." Maybe he thought I was homeless and wanted to feed me. He directed me to where the straw dispenser was located. I left fifty cents on the counter by the register and headed over to get my straw.

On my way to the straw armory I looked around at the tables. There were animals eating and there were signs of other animals having eaten. The feeding area was littered with tables that held trays of wrappers and partially eaten foodstuffs. Messy creatures, these things. A scant 3 feet from a waste receptacle was a trash laden table. Perhaps an animal had eaten there that lacked the ability to throw away their waste. Was it an armless animal? Maybe it had eaten its fill and was so full it could barely muster the energy to make it back to its den? Dunno. I wished I could spot this mystery animal.

Fortunately, the keepers were diligently cleaning up after "messyosaurus". Clearing tables and throwing away trash I could almost hear them cursing the animals. I didn't have time to loiter; there were more animals to go see.

I wandered toward an exhibit called "Hot Topic". That sounded interesting. Along the way I noticed more animals walking around talking on cell phones. Some must have had trouble hearing for they were talking quite loudly. Oh, the fun conversations they must've been having. Apparently, though, these creatures lack the ability to speak and focus on walking at the same time because I witnessed plenty of them nearly running people over as they walked. And there were 2 speeds to these things, like 2 completely separate groups of animals. Since they weren't labeled I called them "meanderers" and "sprinters". There was no in between speed. And every animal seemed oblivious as to whose way they were in.

Once I arrived at the "Hot Topic" my senses were all assaulted at once. There was a cacophony of some mating call over the speakers, oddities walking around with more metal than robots and clothing with sayings I can't repeat without blushing. Surely this was the "wild animal" exhibit. It frightened me.

I quickly departed before determining if they were carnivorous. I needed to seek safety. Then I heard it again. "Gimme that jewelry right there. And I'll take that one too". It seems that's the common vocabulary.

That's when I realized why little Damien's behavior was the way it was. It's not his fault. It's these animals' natural speech. No longer do they say "please", "thank you" or any of the other polite words and phrases they used when I was a kid.

When I was growing up I had noticed that the elders of the pack were able to discipline the offspring. Maybe they can't do that anymore. So rather than evolve into good elders they just learn that it's ok to terrorize other members of the herd with rudeness and loud speech. Maybe the elders grew weak and lazy. I'll have to look into this farther. Just at that time my alarm went off telling me it was time to return to the Asylum. They would be locking the doors soon because dark was coming. I couldn't afford to be locked out overnight and left here with the animals. I hurried out to return to the Sane Asylum. No way was I going to be left here with these crazy animals.

On my way out I pondered. What happened to our polite society? Where did we go wrong? Why are all these animals so self-absorbed they can't even clean up after themselves or treat each other with respect?

Sunday, May 24, 2015

The
weight of the world

When will man ever be satisfied with his own
existence?

This is the question that Harry asks to himself out
loud every morning. Harry gets up at precisely 6 am. each day and prepares his
morning nourishments. Then he walks out onto his teak deck over-looking the
forest.

Harry is a genius.

Ever since man has had a whim of his power and
prowess of the land, he has sought conquest: conquest of other men, other
living creatures, and himself. Modern
man fights disease, enforces the rule of law, builds technologically complex
structures and because of all this, man seeks to re-create himself as an automated
machine in the form of A.I robotics.

Harry lives in this modern world. He is a large
integral part of it: the constant development of mans knowledge to further
enhance the reach of the human race. Yet Harry gets up every day and asks
himself a troubling question. He is concerned that man is going to far, that
mankind should stop the march of progress and just be happy with what we’ve
got.

Harry is a savant, young, brash when required, and
gentleman when not. He easily moves from the laboratory to the boardroom with
the comfort only afforded to a modern guru. Harry knows that he can control man
and change his behaviors, thereby affecting the future actions of all mankind. He
also knows that the wars, greed, sexual over gratification, and hypocrisy will
continue no matter what he does. The playing field will alter a little, robots
will fight other robots, but in the end it will only have value if other humans
die. Humans seem to cherish life precisely because they know that they can
destroy it. Humans feel powerful knowing they can remove the ultimate reward,
life, and in doing so constantly test their will to cherish life.

The essential battle that takes place in the minds
of humans each and every day, of each and every human being, is this: Who must
I conquer today in order to survive tomorrow?
The survival is not just the physical form but the idealism inside of
each and every human being. Humans do find others who agree, and they live
together because they all support a designed survival plan. Sometimes these
groups are large and well organized. The power of these human organized groups
is impressive—albeit to the members of that group—but there is always a need to
increase membership for the survival of the group, and that is where conflict
among humans always finds a spark.

Tomorrow Harry will get up at 6am, make his morning
nourishments, walk out onto his teak deck, and ask himself the same question.
Then he will go downstairs get in his Tesla and leave for the office. Harry is many things, but he will never be
able to answer the question that he poses to his great mind each and every day.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Last night I thought I had some pretty major problems about to go down. Considering my recent post about the Illuminati I'm sure you'll understand shortly.

See, I was driving down the highway when I was suddenly accosted by this incredibly bright light. It looked like a UFO was landing on the highway. Which, admittedly, was my first thought. I was a little excited about that. "Yay, they've finally found intelligent life on earth maybe!" I was immediately curious WHERE?! A cow pasture maybe? Yeah, we eat cattle but I'm still not certain they aren't smarter than some of the people I've seen on the highways.

None of the lights were flashing or moving so I began dismissing that theory. Plus, it was already at ground level and on the highway. So I began thinking it was maybe a helicopter that had landed on the roadway. NSA maybe? Would it have a Papal crest on it? Had the Illuminati come to set me straight?! "If they kidnap me will they feed me pizza? I like pizza."

As it turned out, it was neither. What was it, you ask? It was someone with more money than sense. At least, that's the only excuse I can think of. Or some blind guy trying to drive. I haven't ruled that out yet. ("The Stevie Wonder School of Driving" sounds kinda scary). He certainly had enough light to do it. It was like an offshore oil rig had ended up on the highway.

I think my "more money than sense" theory is the most sound though. Considering it was basically an extremely overlit life-sized Hotwheels truck I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was a guy. I mean, let's face it, we guys are a lot more goofy about our trucks than girls are. When someone talks about "redneck trucks" the image that comes to mind is usually that of a guy and his truck, not a girl out "muddin'". I'm a guy and live in the South but I don't have a big, lifted 4x4 yet so there's a chance they'll take my "man card" soon.

I am a truck driver though so I still get into lights. It's in the truck driver code, "put shiny stuff and lights on your truck if possible." Hell, all my appliances are stainless steel so I can pretend they're chrome. When I was married I think my wife was scared I was going to put lights on the fridge and dishwasher. I'm still considering it. Or maybe an airhorn. That'd scare the hell out of the kids in the middle of the night. "Daddy I went to get some water and I peed on the floor. I'm sorry". Hmm. Maybe not such a great idea.

As a truck driver I'm subject to very high fines if I'm found with a cell phone in my hand. The Department of Transportation is big on making sure we aren't distracted. Which strikes me as odd since the government doesn't seem to have a problem with brightly lit billboards along the highway. There's a stretch of I-10 near Biloxi, Mississippi that looks like the Vegas Strip there are so many of those things. Don't get distracted?! Pfft...those things can be seen from space! Just like this Hotwheels car. Why do we need extremely bright LED light strips on the grill and hood now?! And it's super bright white lights at that.

This guy had "fog" lights, (fog lights are supposed to be yellow, not white. Oh, and shouldn't you only need them when it's foggy?), headlights, his brights were on, he had an LED strip of white lights in the middle of his grill and on the little bump in his hood. Like what, he thought he had a hood scoop? Seriously, it was like staring at the sun. Maybe he thought he was running the Ice Road in Alaska and wanted to see a moose from 2 miles out. Either way, he was definitely a distraction. In fact, with that much light he was a road hazard.

If you need that much light, folks, maybe you should stick to driving during the day. Light is good but blinding oncoming traffic is not necessary. Yeah, I know people think it's cool now but signaling spacecraft with your car doesn't make you cool. It makes you look like a blind idiot.

But we truck drivers put lights on our trucks, right? Doesn't that make me a hypocrite? No, not really. For one, they are amber for the ones viewed from the front and side and red for the ones viewed from the back. Although there are some trucks that have those white "fog" lights and run those all the time too. I hate those things. How is it everyone else is running through fog 24/7 but I rarely ever see it? Is fog avoiding me? That's not nice.

Back to the amber and red lights though. Why is it ok for us to have those? For your protection. I've got a lot of lights on my truck so you can see me. Granted, an 80 foot long vehicle weighing 80,000 pounds isn't exactly "inconspicuous" but I'm fairly certain most motorists can't see us unless we are in their way. So we need lots of lights to show you our seemingly invisible trucks.

Although, I have discovered that my turn signals don't work exactly as intended. I check them every day and they look normal but, when I'm driving and turn them on, one of two things invariably happens.

Either they send out a signal for cars to speed up and keep me from changing lanes or they turn my truck invisible.

I can drive for well over a mile with my turn signals on (I have 2 visible from the back, 3 visible from the side on each side) and cars seem oblivious to my need to change lanes. Or possibly to my presence until I actually start changing lanes. That's when we get that disgusted look for being on your highway and in your way. They jerk the wheel to dive into one of the empty lanes they could've gotten into earlier, get up next to me and glare. Until we make eye contact. Then they look scared and scurry off. Maybe I should shave. Or quit wearing a Jason mask while driving, but where's the fun in that?

Do you think maybe these people just need attention? They weren't loved enough as kids? I sure don't love them when they're driving toward me, that's for sure. I'm also not fond of the people who seem to have their lights stuck on the bright setting 24 hours a day. I'm curious where they got them though. My lights periodically burn out and have to be replaced but these guys have lights that last forever. Are they marketed as "the last set of headlight bulbs you'll ever buy"? I'd save some money that way. I wonder if they're on eBay.

Do us a favor, guys. Go look at your lights. If you've got enough on your car that interstellar visitors might have your house tagged as a "possible star system" please don't turn them ALL on when you're driving. Again, I have an 80,000 pound vehicle, do you really want me to get retinal scarring when I'm coming at you head-on? My "car" is bigger than your car. Ever hear of Custer? It won't end well. Do us all a favor, be sensible.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Due to a small mechanical disagreement between my truck and I, I was recently laid up in a hotel for a few days. For the record, my truck won the disagreement which is why it was in the shop. New parts equals attitude adjustment.

Do you know what you do when you're trapped in a hotel for 2 days 1,600 miles from home and without transportation? You order in and watch a lot of television. Boredom sets in and you get hungry. I was ordering Chinese and pizza like I'd just escaped from a POW camp. It wasn't sexy. I looked like Peter Griffin with food stains.

Watching this much television I started paying attention to the commercials. Among them was one about Mesothelioma. They said it's a very rare form of cancer from asbestos. That made me think. If this is so rare how come it seems this commercial plays every 45 minutes for the past 10 years? Shouldn't there be extremely rare cases for them to pursue? Yet it seems quite prevalent if you go by commercial frequency.

And these other commercials. They scare me. A drug that treats depression..among the side affects is "insomnia, suicidal thoughts.." Wait! Suicidal thoughts?! For a drug that treats depression? Seems counterproductive to me. There was a drug that treats high blood pressure. Seemed like a good deal. Except for the side affects of "possible death". I guess that would suck.

Got high blood sugar? There's a drug for that. Possible side affect? Kidney failure. Good, I can treat my blood sugar while I'm on the list for a kidney transplant. Heart problems? We've a drug for that. Of course, you could get "arrhythmia" and "possible death" but hey, what's new?

Are we going to extend life or just "side affect" ourselves into extinction? Thinking about this made me drink lots of coffee. Then I took something to lower my blood sugar and passed out. The coffee maker shorted and caught the curtains on fire. Apparently hotel room curtains have asbestos so I'm concerned about mesothelioma. Which caused a spike in my blood pressure so I took meds for that. My kidneys failed that same day which depressed me. So I took meds for depression. I fought suicidal thoughts but ended up with a heart condition. Those meds may kill me.

In short, I'm now taking 45 pills a day. Only one of them is necessary for treatment. The rest are for treating different side affects from the previous pills. It's a vicious cycle.

Then, if you happen to take any medicines that are designed to treat a problem and suffer side affects, you can SUE! For what? Well, anything it seems. Here in America we LOOOVE to sue!

In America we have a great legal system. The main problem with it though is we are greedy people. If we can twist it to find a way to blame someone else for our own stupidity we will. I can be creative but I'm not greedy. Trust me, I've done some pretty stupid stuff. I'm surprised I lived past my twenties. Problem is, I'm kinda "anti litigious" so I can't get rich off my own stupidity. Otherwise I'm sure I could've been rich by now.

So you bought a cup of coffee. It wasn't iced coffee, which was an option, but piping hot and fresh from the pot. And when they handed to you at the pick up window you put it between your legs. Then you hit a bump and it burns you. What do you do? Get an attorney and sue McDonald's for burning yourself with hot coffee. It's coffee. It's hot. You put it between your legs instead of in a cup holder. You're an idiot and got rich for it. First off, I don't put anything that can potentially burn me between my legs. I generally try to protect that region. But then, I'm smarter than a cup of coffee. The real culprit here? Our litigious society. It wasn't her fault. They didn't tell her it was hot.

In Florida a minister and his wife sued for a combined total of $160,000 after a blind man, learning to use a service dog, stepped on the wife's already broken toe. Granted, because of an outpouring of disdain over the minister's lawsuit by the community, they later dropped the lawsuit. Even though their attorney felt they had a valid claim. A minister folks! Wrap your head around that one. So much for "turn the other cheek" I suppose. This attorney saw a quick buck. Just like they did. That's just downright shameful.

How about this one? A lady is suing Home Depot because her family was killed. Tragic, I agree. How was Home Depot at fault, you ask? Did a refrigerator fall over on them? No. Anything the store had control over? No. She and her family sought shelter inside a Home Depot during a tornado and cement walls came down. She blames "faulty construction". Or..as I like to say, it was an effing TORNADO. Tornados have a tendency to rip buildings apart. It's kinda in their job description. "Be unpredictable and rip shit apart". Personally, I don't know that I would've taken shelter in a place with loose shovels and saw blades and stuff myself. That seems like a bad place to hide during a tornado. Maybe she hadn't seen "Twister". Yet here's a lawsuit.

It's anything to try to make money these days. Many lawsuits are a "get rich quick" scam. Some are instruments of change. Some. Many are just people looking to get rich while dodging blame. It's ridiculous people. Take responsibility for your own stupidity. No, I'm not calling everyone stupid. I'm just saying we've all had facepalm moments.

Speaking of stupidity, a guy in Florida gets kicked out of law school for poor grades. What's he do? Sues the school for admitting him because they shouldn't admit anyone that doesn't stand a good chance at graduating. Seriously?!

Sunday, May 17, 2015

So I was given a day pass not long ago. That was quite pleasant. I was out in public for nearly 14 hours straight! Not necessarily unsupervised, I'll admit. I did learn a few things about myself though.

Like, first off, I really can't dress myself. Ok, I'll admit to that. In my defense, though, I'd assumed a hula skirt was acceptable. Turns out you're not supposed to wear it with a hard hat and I'm not quite in the kind of shape that warrants wearing it without a shirt. Or underwear. The excuse "I thought it was a Hawaiian kilt" doesn't seem to be valid in places like Mississippi. Who knew, right?

Thanks to some quick thinking and fast talking by a beautiful lady I avoided being reported and returned to The Ward. She promptly saved me by taking me shopping for which I am, actually, extremely grateful. I really am. I saw myself in a mirror after the wardrobe change and I looked much better. Looking back, I'm surprised at the transformation.

So there I was, dressed as a normal person, with a pretty lady wanting to go to dinner with me. I was thinking "these must be magic clothes, she thinks I'm attractive now!" I nearly went back and bought 8 sets just like the ones I was wearing!

There was some debate as to whether or not I should be medicated before or during dinner. We decided to play it by ear since we were to be meeting people. Can't have me drooling on myself at a restaurant. We had settled on Chili's. They've got some pretty good food so I was happy about that.

I think it went well. I didn't get kicked out so I thought that was a good sign. There were a few tricky moments though. First off, do I "check in" on Facebook since I'm with people? Why not, I'll show off. I pulled out my phone, went to the Facebook app and clicked "check in". Sure enough I got the traditional "who are you with?"

I tried to list names and the darn app sent me a message "no, seriously, no one is gonna believe you. Did you see yourself earlier?!" (Which reminds me, I still need to have a talk with that programmer). So I tried being all debonair with the host. "Touchet, (my name really is pronounced touché) party of 4. We will be waiting at the bar." I tried to use my best James Bond voice but I think I came across like Mrs. Doubtfire.

I was really trying to be on my best behavior though. It's tough. They really tried to make it difficult for a "non-filter having, social Tourette's afflicted smartass" like me. Here we are waiting at the bar. On a Saturday night I got the bartender that looks at me like I grew a second head when I ordered a Seabreeze. Maybe I'm just not hip enough and ordered an "old timer's" drink. Ok fair enough.

Even with my new wardrobe and being with other people I was still invisible though. Here I was all smiles expecting to hear my name bellowed and that I was with actual, real, breathing people! After over a half hour at the bar and seeing a bunch of empty tables I went back up to the host. There's my name, halfway down the list. Crossed off. I ask the guy, "um, how'd you seat me already?" He said "I looked around and didn't see you."

Out came my little notebook again and we were seated right away. After that it was a pretty smooth night. With a tiny hiccup.

Which is when I learned another fact about myself. With the correct supervision I can actually blend in with "the normals" with little medication. The trick is finding the right supervision. For most people that's probably easy. With me, not so much. See...I can be a bit to handle. I'll own that. Why, you ask? Well, I'm..."creative". I know that sounds exciting but it's actually problematic.

Imagine you're going to dinner with a XX year old guy. No, I'm not telling you my age. Just fill in your own numbers. But just imagine you're at dinner with this guy who asks for the kid's menu and crayons. Now...imagine he's allowed to drink alcohol. Yeah, I'm that guy.

My supervisor for the day was quite patient with me though. Even when I got what might be considered "snarky" with the waitress. In my defense, putting a pink colored pick in a well done steak doesn't make it medium rare. That's about the time I was made to take my Thorazine again. It's ok, I lasted longer than any of us expected. (Don't let me forget to tell you what I put this poor soul through while we were shopping).

On the bright side, I've now been cleared for more public interaction. With the recommendation that whenever I take my kids out to dinner my 8 year old should be placed in charge. I've looked at it from several different perspectives and I think that's a fair compromise. So I'll keep you guys updated on my future outings.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

I lay awake at night and think of you. Memories of you play out behind closed eyes. Only your loving embrace will ever do. The first sweet kiss caught me by surprise. Ever since I've longed for your gentle touch. I still see your smile while I'm asleep. I never thought I'd miss you this much. Or that your caress could touch me so deep. I remember your warmth in our lovers embrace. The smell of your hair and taste of your lips. How you moved with such gentle grace. Scenes play in my mind like movie clips. Memories of a love we swore could never die. A love I did everything to try and save. And now I sit here and can't help but cry. As I set another vase of flowers upon your grave.

Monday, May 11, 2015

You speak of the "Illuminati" as though it's some evil cult bent on world domination.

It's a whispered about group that was intended to shed light and enlightenment and uncover truths. Quite the opposite of what you seem to claim.

Yes, there was a Bavarian group back in 1776. A secret group. Which is kinda weird...they're secret but we know where they were from and when they formed. That doesn't sound too secret. So what was their purpose? Enlightenment. Hhmm. Sounds pretty "sinister", shedding light on truths and whatnot. Scary stuff. Long before that there was talk of the Illuminati. Maybe they just borrowed a clever name. Either way, they apparently disbanded long ago.

You say things when someone shares posts from the "Illuminati"'s Facebook page. Like a centuries old, hidden, ultra secret group has an actual Facebook page.

So secret no one can prove they still exist...yet the Facebook page titled "Illuminati" must really be them. Sure. Oh, and those uplifting quotes I've seen on their site...oh no, that uplifting stuff is out of control! The motivational stuff? Positively evil I tell ya.

And there's this whole new trend about people talking about the "evil" Illuminati. I still don't understand how a group that was supposed to be about "enlightenment" is now an "evil organization bent on world domination". Those are polar opposites.

Here we have a page where someone is out to prove that the Illuminati controls the Grammys. Personally I like that Billy Idol wore a medallion that "was almost definitely a secret cult emblem of some kind." Sounds very...scientific and well-researched. One would think that they could narrow it down a little more than "almost definitely...of some kind". Hhmm. Maybe it's just guesswork.

In fact, the entire article is sheer conjecture. Yet there are mindless sheep that swear by it and if you point out the holes in the theory then you're "brainwashed by the Illuminati". Please, people. I assure you that if anyone wanted to brainwash me it wouldn't be the Illuminati. A few of my past shrinks? An ex girlfriend or ex wife? Maybe.

See, I'm noticing that it's mostly the über religious that are buying into this Illuminati stuff. Which puts me in an awkward position because then we get into religion. For the sake of my Christian friends, (meaning religious, not meaning me personally), I try to avoid religious posts because I'm certain to offend many of you when I start pointing out inconsistencies in the Bible.

I promise you the Illuminati isn't "bent on world domination". Walmart might be. Probably is. But that's a different story. I mean, let's face it, have you seen our society and our world? It could probably use some control anyway.

Is this phantom Illuminati just a grand "catch all" for people that really want there to be a deeper explanation for everything? There's all this amazing symbolism on the dollar bill. Oh no. So U.S. currency is evil? Is that the same currency you use to pay your tithes? Your preachers? Your millionaire evangelists and t.v. ministers?

Interestingly, the church doesn't pay taxes in the United States. In fact, when people talk about that "richest 1%" do they not realize how rich the churches are? How much land they own? You do realize the Catholic Church is one of the wealthiest entities in the world, right? Not just in the United States but GLOBALLY. One of the most powerful people on the planet is the Pope.

So, if I understand this, the Illuminati is "the evil elite bent on controlling the world". Yet the most powerful entity, the top of the "elite" list is the church.

Let's review here...

The "Illuminati" is an ultra secret group. The Pope is selected in an ultra secret ceremony. So secretive we only know it's finished when they burn a certain colored smoke.

The "Illuminati" was designed to shed light on truths. The Catholic Church says the Bible is "the light of God".

The "Illuminati" is part of the top 1%. The Catholic Church is in the top 1% and even has its own country. Vatican City is a country, by the way. The treasures held within its catacombs and museum are priceless.

The "Illuminati" is bent on world domination. The Pope is one of, if not THE, most powerful people on the planet whose very words can control the actions of hundreds of millions globally.

The "Illuminati" uses symbolism. The Catholic Church uses symbolism. The crucifix is a symbol, isn't it? A very powerful one. The Pope's hats and robes are symbols. That's why he has so many different hats, they signify different things. Is there a pattern developing here?

Wait...wait...are you saying the Pope is part of the "evil" Illuminati? Do you think he knows? Imagine how upset all those Christians are gonna be when they do the math. It only makes sense. You can't talk about "the elite" but pick and choose which ones you want to include.

Here people are throwing out "it's the Illuminati" for everything they want to find a way to blame them for. Get a rock chip in your windshield? Damn Illuminati. Heartburn? The Illuminati must've messed with your Chinese take away. It's getting ridiculous. Maybe Beyonce wasn't controlled by the Illuminati. Maybe her show just kinda sucked.

Bottom line is, don't get carried away with your brand of crazy. I've got the market cornered when it comes to crazy and I don't like competition. Believe me, not everything on the Internet is true. You know this because I'm telling you. Since you are reading this on the Internet you know I'm telling you the truth.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Ever have one of those days? You know the one. Where you just lay there and think about stuff. Typically, when I do that, I end up awake for hours just thinking about weird stuff.

I get to wondering. Then I wonder if other people ever wonder about the same stuff I wonder about. Like tea. Seriously, has anyone ever wondered about tea? It's a leaf that you boil in water to release the delicious flavors. I enjoy tea hot and cold. It's good stuff. Little bit of cream and sugar, maybe some honey...mmm mmm!

However, my mind starts wandering at about that point. How many different leaves do you suppose they had to boil before they decided the leaf from the tea tree was the ideal choice? I mean, did someone try boiling leaves of poison ivy or poison oak? How do you think that went?

Same thing with coffee. We call it "coffee beans" but it's really seeds inside a fruit. How did it ever occur to someone to grind up what is basically a cherry pit, boil it and drink it? How many different fruits do you think that guy experimented with? "Today I'm gonna boil up kiwi seeds, tomorrow I'll try acorns. There's got to be a great drink to be found!"

Chocolate. Chocolate isn't sweet in it's natural state. Vanilla can actually be kind of bitter before it's refined. And, through personal experimentation, ferns don't taste great either. But maybe if they're refined like chocolate and vanilla??

What about eggs? You think someone saw a chicken pop a squat, leave this big oval thing (it could've been poop for all they knew) and decide "hey, I wonder how that tastes!" Raw eggs really aren't that tasty. You figure they tried the shell first too? Maybe they boiled it up along with that critter they saw scurrying sideways on the beach.

Speaking of which, the lobster is as ugly as the crab. Only they had to dive deeper to find that thing. Scallops. Hhmm. How the hell did someone figure to try THAT thing?! Mushrooms. Seriously? Who thought of eating those? Where do we come up with these things? You think someone was out camping and a yeti was "psst...try the 'shrooms dude. Oh, and some are poisonous and some are mind altering. Nope, I'm not gonna tell you which ones are which. Bon apetit."

I can't help the stuff that goes on up there. I do understand that necessity is the mother of invention. I get that but what "necessity" required humans to invent things like eating raw oysters? Seriously. Was there a famine and the people of Atlantis shared with we normal folk the secret of oysters? Is that why their civilization can't be found, because they're under there snickering "hee hee, we got them to eat that crap. Suckers!" That's why no one can find Atlantis now, I bet.

Escargot! Seriously?! What, exactly, is the nutritional significance of eating snails? And who's the lunatic that started the trend of eating garden pests? I'm the one that's "troubled" but the "sane" people come up with these foods? You know what, I'm just gonna go back to bed now