19 weeks pregnant - am I depressed?

I feel a bit defeated and almost ashamed before I even start writing here.

Some of you will remember me on this support forum from earlier this year as I had a missed miscarriage at 11 1/2 weeks. It absolutely floored me and I fell apart emotionally. I cried every day for a month but I thought it was good that I really 'dealt' with my emotions rather than bottle them up.

Things got worse after that as my brother's girlfriend died suddenly from breathing difficulties, aged 25. The day after her funeral I found out I was pg again. The first 12 weeks were very anxious but all looked fine at my scans.

A couple of other crap things have happened since then - I wrote my car off in an accident, then on the day we were due to move house, the seller pulled out and we lost a load of money. I was also admitted to hospital last week with concerns over worsening headaches but all seems fine.

Let me get to the point anyway..... I feel miserable and pessimistic all the time about this baby. I'm sleeping really poorly and I just can't get excited about it like everyone else seems to. None of our friends with parents seem to understand why I can't just cheer up - but none of them have experienced mc. I think people tiptoe around a lot as well because they feel awkward about mc.

I have developed nasty headaches in the last three weeks and I feel very irritable but I think it's partly tension and my low mood. I thought the second trimester was supposed to be a breeze.

Pregnancy should be such a happy time but I just feel low and trapped - it's like a neverending prison sentence for me. I suppose I have been pg all year with nothing to show.

I've wanted children for years so I just can't understand why I feel like this. I spoke to my doctor about counselling but the waiting list is 3 monts so I haven't bothered. I feel I'm being really ungrateful as I became pg within the first month of trying on both occasions this year.

I cried for most of the night last night because I'm worried we're going to have a Downs baby. I didn't have the blood test but I wish i had now. Also woke up again angry and in tears at 4.30am this morning. Hubby has gone to work and he's trying his best to support me but I think it's wearing him down too.

I know my problems are small compared with lots of other stories on here, but I would love to hear from anyone who understands what I'm going through.

Hi Jo,I am sending you a massive cyber hug. I think I would feel the same if I had gone through all you have this year.I like you have suffered a mmc in June and as you know from our March forums things have not been easy again this time.Pre pregnancy it took us 2 years to sell our flat with lots of let downs and I know how devastating that is. You too have been through the bereavement process twice, once for the loss of your little one and also for your boyfriends girlfriend.It is natural to have feelings of anger, denial, why me etc etc.Have you tried talking to your midwife?? I know when I spoke to ours about my fears of developing post natal depression because of my previous depression she said they had midwife counsellors who I could speak to during my pregnancy. Worth a try to see if yours have too.I thought being pregnant was meant to be a rosy time in our lives and I too can't help but get pessimistic too. Just waiting to get results from amnio now, and hopefully then I might start to get exited.Takecare and please do not feel ashamed or guilty, you are only being human. If it helps to talk on here then that is a good start.Love,Mary xx

oh love, i definately wouldn't say your problems are small. Its natural for you to feel this sort of anxiety as a pregnancy symptom anyway never mind having to copy with mc too!

I've had to deal with pregnancy as a single mum and my emotions have been all over the place but a problem shared is a problem halved and it has really helped me to come on here and have a good old rant. There's always someone here to offer support and words of encouragement.

The best advice i can give is to take everyday as it comes and take advantage of the people around you offering support.

Hi Jo, Im sorry yr feeling so down.As you will of read I had ammc in June and its taken a while for things to settle down. Anyway what I wanted to say was my youngest is now 3 but before I feel pregnant with him I had a Mc and then when I found out i was expecting again it was a real rollercoaster of emotions, happyness only seemed to play a small part in it, I was so scared things would go wrong again, angry that I wasnt happy, angry at my Oh bless him for anything, I think hormones play a big part like you said yr body has in away been pregnant for quite some time with nothing to show. Im guessing also that this been your first to term baby (hope thats a rightway of putting it) and that you have all the usual worries about EVERYTHING !. and Im guessing family andfriends dont know hat to say for fear of saying something wrong, or incase god forbid something where to go wrong, your passed that stage now so maybe they will relax abit? As for the fear of a downs baby, Ive had that with all my pregnancys, plus many other fears, its normale. I think you've done the best thing by getting it off your chest, keep talking on here and like others have said try talking to your midwife, maybe they can help.As for the headaches, at least you have had test to show all is ok in the medical sense, I hope they settle down soon and if they dont and your still unwell maybe you could take some time off work to rest and or if you feel the need early matty leave, I know your midwife can advice and help on that. Dontknow if any of thats helped I hope it has, im sending luv n hugs your way to all 3 of you.

Hi hun. Sorry to hear you are feeling like there. I think you should talk to someone. I have found some info here for you:http://www.babyworld.co.uk/information/pregnancy/health/emotions/antenataldepression1.aspwhich I hope helps a bit. There is no need to beat yourself up over it though, you aren't alone in having these feelings and not knowing what to do about them. You have been through a lot and it's bound to affect your mindset.Good luck in getting some help.Trace xx

Thanks for all your lovely comment girls. I went to see the doc yesterday and she has signed me off work for two weeks. I had to leave work anyway in the morning as I was just crying uncontrollably.

The midwife has referred me for counselling so I'll probably have an appointment the week after next.

I keep really taking all my shit out on my OH and my mood swings are ridiculous. Crying my eyes out one minute and then apologising to my hubby the next for screaming and shouting at him. My doc says my feelings are quite normal for a first pregnancy after mc.

The lack of understanding amongst many of our friends has relaly pi$$ed me off as well. All of my hubby's so-called close friends are fathers and only one of them has given him any support this year. They're so wrapped up with their own babies to give a toss about us. We went out for lunch a couple of weeks ago and told them our news and they were just gushing about the joys of pregnancy and parenthood without realising that we might be having an anxious time of it after the mc. They really don't seem to have a clue.

I don't think I've eaten any veggies in the last two days and I know that the stress is probably affecting the baby but I just don't care at the moment. It's ridiculous because I've wanted to be a Mum for years and I'm usually health conscious. I did all the right things before conceving but I just don't care at the moment.

Anyway, I'm going to a close friend's house for food tonight. She has a six week old baby and she has been a good ear and support this year, so maybe that will make me feel better.

Hi Jo, Im pleased you doctor was helpfully and that the midwife has refered you. I hope you had a nice night at your friends and manage to get some stuff off your chest, as for this idea of not been too healthy at the moment, dont worry these babys are quite resilient and take what ever they need even if you eat and drink aload of crap they still grown and kick about in there!. Anyway, I hope you have a good weekend and get to do some relaxing over the next few weeks, no feel guilty, enjoy some you time. Vikki xx

Hi Jojust wanted to say when I was pregnant with my second daughter I felt exactly the same as you. The best thing I did WAS signing off work. I started my maternity leave as soon as it was legally possible and really found it made a huge difference. The problem wasn't so much the job itself (I'm a teacher and I enjoy my work) it was the everyday routine that bothered me and it stopped me thinking about the baby. People rarely have sympathy for 'miserable' pregnant women, they think you should just be ecstatic but so what if you're not? I have just had a miscarriage and I feel really miserable at the m too. All the same I know depression could possibly kick in during any future pregnancy. You can't control your hormones and you can' t help feeling the way you do. Don't feel guilty about it. Just take care of yourself. I found that going out the house and doing things whether connected with the pregnancy or not really helped when I was at my lowest. Just take it easy and do what you want when you want.All the best and lots of loveLolaxxxxx

Thanks again for all the posts guys. Your post Lola really rings true with me. Maybe I'll start my mat leave a bit earler. Sounds like a good idea and something I hadn't thought of.

Really sorry you're feeling miserable too right now. Are you pg as well at the moment? How many weeks? How many LOs do you have? So many questions!!! For me, I feel the mc has really scarred me but I'm hoping future pregnancies are happier experiences. I have my 20 wk scan tomorrow so I hope that gives me a pick me up.

You're right about the advice to keep busy even if you don't feel like it. It does help.

Have had a better couple of days anyway which is good. I still feel very fragile and as if I could break down in tears at the slightest thing but I'm ok.

Since last post, the mw has referred me to a psychiatric nurse to keep an eye on me during my pg which is good. She thinks I'll either improve or get worse and wants to give me support now to try to avoid bonding problems when the LO arrives. It's good that I am being offered this help.

Hi Jo, I was very sorry to hear everything you have been through recently, it cannot have been easy. I am 19 weeks now and so far so good, this is my 1st also. Although I have not been through nearly as much as you have I can understand partly how you are feeling just now. Everyone expects you to be on cloud 9 but after everything it is understandable that you would feel so down. The real excitement for me has passed and it's just like a waiting game now, we have our next scan next week and Im sure this will make me feel better (all going well.) It's all my friends talk about, how great it is and we never have 'normal' conversations anymore, it's ALL baby talk. I think it's hard to deal with that and wonder if this is partly why you feel so down too. It's not about you anymore, it's about the 'miracle' thats growing inside you. 9 months is a long time and unfortunatley, plenty time to get worked up about things etc.

Our hormones are all over the place so it is perfectly natural for feeling like this I think. I don't believe anyone can be prepared for all the changes happening to our bodies right now, inside and out!!

How did you get on at your scan this week? I really hope everything is well and it has helped you feel a bit better. I agree that perhaps you should take maternity leave a bit earlier and you should make plenty time for yourself.;\)

HI joe, i am so sorry how you are feeling, i can understand i went through full term baby last januarry still birth. the best thing that helped was having faith i knew Allah is with me no matter what i was going through. the Qur an helped me me heal read about it you will find alot of answers. I wish you all the best.