“Notes from the Pokey” – Tiger Moody

September 10, 2013

May 16
The spades went loco in D Block yesterday and it spilled over into here before the screws cooled their jets. Heard Big Red got his left knee smashed in which was serves that no good coon right for what he did to Warren last year.

May 24
Carter is a lousy hillbilly president and if I had voted for him then I would be very ashamed of myself. They just don’t make them like Ike anymore. We are turning into a nation of wimps and sissies.

May 27
Chip had a visit from his family today and shared the spoils with me. Peter Pan peanut butter on saltines and brother it was as good as a steak at the Ritz. I thought about Wally and wondered how he was doing in the navy. I wish he’d finished school but I was the same way at his age you couldn’t tell me anything.

May 29
Leon Spinks visited the house today and gave a speech. Is it me or is that boy dumb as a sack of hammers?May 31
What is it about mexicans that make them talk so loud all the time? I love their women but their men can go jump in a lake for all I care.

June 1
It’s been seven years since I beat Svenson at handball and finally…VICTORY. You never heard such excuses either! Take it like a man or get off the court.

June 8
Like I said before, Chip died last week off some bad skag and I’m having an awful bad time with it. I wrote his kids a letter to let them know how proud they should be of their father. He was a good man just made some bad decisions. We all do sometimes.

June 9
They moved an old timer in with me today. Shakey as all fuck. And would you fucking believe it? He’s stone deaf. Left his ears in France back in 17 or 18. And he’s a prick. He shakes my hand and then hands me a piece of paper that says “don’t fuck with me.” The screws said he was a dentist who got caught raping a bunch of broads in the chair on laughing gas. I wonder if they were deaf too. Do deaf people have their own dentists?

June 23
Chip’s old lady came to visit me today, which was fine because Sally stopped coming over a year back. She’s a fine looking woman with red hair and a solid rear end. He didn’t tell me his kids were retards though. Twin retarded boys. They look just like him too, except for their tongues sticking out. She brought me some wieners, milky ways, and some magazines. Later on I gave the old man a wiener and he ate half and threw the rest in the john. I could have fucking killed him right then and there.

July 4
Happy Birthday America! Yes I appreciate freedom now like I was never able to in my youth.

July 7
Jimmy came by to visit but they busted him coming in. Moron had forgot to take the piece out of his pants.

July 13
Cora, Chip’s old lady, came by again. She’s coming by every week now. What does she want? I can’t be the father to a couple of retards. Not from here at least. She said she would apply for a conjugal visit, and I didn’t say no.

August 5
Been in infirmary going on two weeks now. To be honest, I felt better days ago but I just can’t stand the thought of being in a cage with that old gink any longer. The guy has no respect for human decency. He farts constantly. He doesn’t flush. His breath smells like ass. I told the doc I hear voices. You can eat your grub in peace here too.

August 11
Back home. Doc was getting papers ready to have me sent to the loco bin in Berdoo. Hey doc, the voices stopped haha! And guess what? The old man is gone. The old jerk hung himself with a sheet. It gets weirder, he left me his estate. I am now the proud owner of a ’73 El Dorado, a furnished house in Stockton, and a shitload of dental equipment. Something to look forward to.

August 13
New room mate. Young cat pitched double A ball for the Dodgers. Poor fool got drunk and after the manager took him out of a game and he beat him to death with a bat in the locker room. Bad break for both of them I say. He says Steve Garvey is a secret cocksucker but I wasn’t too surprised.

August 19
Can’t a man serve his time in peace? Some kike shyster came to see me today, says the old man’s daughter is suing me over the will. We’ll see about that. That is MY El Dorado.

August 20
Beat Svenson AGAIN.

August 21
Had me a real fruit today in the shower. Little Chinese fairy. She smelled real good but all could think of was that bastard Osterman cutting off that poor sap’s ears back in Korea so I couldn’t get off. I’m getting old.

August 22
I miss the old days. Remember the Dorseys? I miss my motorcycle, riding through the wind. I miss fried chicken on Sundays. I miss Mae’s pretty smile. I miss skipping school and playing pinball all day. I miss throwing the pill around with Wally in the yard. I miss a lot of things. I wish things had panned out differently. I guess I’m sad.

August 26
Tonight they are showing a movie called Annie Hall in the mess room. The house newsletter gave it a great review said it was a real pisser and I hope that’s right because I could sure use a good laugh.