Sunday, September 11, 2005

The Daily Minion Presents: Policies 2005

In the lead-up to the New Zealand election, most attention has been focused on the tax reforms proposed by the two major parties. But what are some of the other, less well-known policies of the election frontrunners?

National

Climate Change: will pull out of Kyoto until better scientific evidence that Earth is a “globe” surrounded by an “atmosphere”

Social Policy: will establish Ministry of Mainstream Affairs, to address disadvantages for normal New Zealanders

Resource Management Act: to be renamed Resource Extraction Act

Foreign Affairs: to cut bureaucracy, foreign policy will be outsourced to the kind folk at the US State Department, who have offered to provide the service at a bargain rate.

Education Curriculum: history classes will no longer teach the Treaty of Waitangi or other outdated material.

Labour

Economic Development: will support the development of a "knowledge economy" by saying at least 12 positive things per annum about science and research

Defence: Phil Goff will be deployed in the South Pacific to pre-emptively lecture possible security threats.

Secondary Education: NCEA will be reformed and turned into an acronym that everyone can pronounce

Race Relations: will commit to remaining at least 10% less racist than National.

Constitutional Reform: it is inevitable that the outdated monarchy eventually be replaced by a People's Republic headed by a popular, competent president.

Foreign policy: will only engage with ethically acceptable nations. Norway to become New Zealand’s major trading partner.

Health: many health problems can be prevented by regular exercise and a wholesome, hemp-based diet.

Defence: there are great opportunities to develop our own tanks and planes from hemp.

New Zealand First

Veterans Affairs: Veterans will be given a "Gold Card" allowing them free health care, priority for social services, and the right to annex rural properties.Immigration: immigration from Asia will be restricted and linked to the industry needs of selected Courtenay Place restaurants.

Social Policy: unemployed people will be required to design new, productivity-boosting technologies, if they want to keep receiving their benefit.