Friday, November 24, 2006

Do They Give Awards For Long, Self-Obsessed Speeches?

Type-A. Alpha Female. Perfectionist. Competitive. Bitch.

I’ve been called all of these things. And, with the exception of that last term – which I think was more expressive of the ressentiment of the speaker than aptly descriptive of yours truly – I think that all of these terms describe me fairly accurately. I am a perfectionist, I do aim at accomplishment, I am tremendously self-critical, I do have high-expectations of myself. And, I am competitive.

Mostly, I compete against myself. As I’ve said before, I often feel that I am in a race with myself, that I have set myself against my own expectations of myself and have applied myself to the lifelong challenge of defeating and exceeding those expectations. As I have also said here, this is exhausting: it’s a race that doesn’t end, no matter how fast you run.

One of the great gifts of motherhood has been that it has forced me to become more reasonable in my expectations of myself. It has forced me to move the finish line, to reimagine the finish line. I’ve been compelled to recognize that so far as parenting goes, the only ‘finish lines’ that matter are those that you cross in each and every beautiful/vexing/heart-wrenching moment: those ‘finish line’ moments that come when you have made it through a difficult night, when you finally get that latch, when you have convinced your husband to attend to a shitty diaper change, when you manage to get pajamas on your squirmy baby, when that baby finally takes a nap, when that baby wraps her arms around your neck and nuzzles her cheek against yours, when that baby smiles at you, coos at you, says mama. These are the moments of winning. These are the moments that I live for, now.

One of the things that I love and have loved most about my participation in the parent corner of the blogosphere is that it has provided ongoing comfort and reassurance in my struggle to appreciate those moments for what they are. It has provided me with the space and opportunity to really become self-reflective as a parent, and, not incidentally, as a writer. It has given me the space and opportunity and encouragement to make my experience of motherhood self-reflective, and honest, and creative. It has encouraged me - in a way that no book or expert or public-health authority could - to view being a mother as an act of creativity, as an exercise of my heart and my brain, as a work of art that cannot, ultimately, be judged according to any objective standards (other than those imposed by such obvious concerns as the health and welfare of my child.) It has helped me to let go (perhaps not entirely, but substantially) of my concern with winning. It has taught me that there is no such thing as Mother of the Year, it has taught me that there are only ever just Mothers, and that there is glory in that. It has taught me - you have taught me - that my satisfaction with myself as 'Mother' has far, far less to do with standards of performance, whatever those might be, than with how enriched I am by every moment of this great (sometimes fun, sometimes harrowing) adventure.

Writing in the blogosphere, being part of this community, has taught me these things in large part because it has allowed me and encouraged me to really understand what it means to write a life and to live a life, and the difference between these. Because it exposed me to other parents doing the same thing: parenting and living and writing and writing and living and parenting and exulting in the messy mix of these things. Embracing not being Parents of the Year. Just being parents, and writing parenthood, and inspiring each other with the artistry - the wonderful, messy, beautiful artistry - of their lives as these are splattered upon the virtual page.

The idea that any of these works of art could be identified as 'Best' seems to me to run against the grain of what these works – the work of living, parenting, put into words – really are. They are brilliant in their uniqueness, they are brilliant for their honesty, they are brilliant – in the literal sense of shining, producing and reflecting light – because they are (like the lives that they recount) works of love. They are, for these reasons, incomparable.

There are some that I love more than others. There are some that I think are funnier than others, some that I think are better written than others, some that I relate to more personally than others, some that reach deeper into my soul or down to my funny-bone or press more heavily upon my brain. But I couldn’t name any one of them Best, or Blog of the Year, or even My Favourite Blog. And I wouldn’t want to: because to subject these works to some measurement, to some method of evaluation that would separate and deconstruct and rank them, would be to attack the very thing that makes them special. It would be like naming Best Work of Art in History. Best Poem. Best Composition of Music. How do you measure? Is it even possible to measure? Why measure?

I don’t think that you can measure. I don’t think that you can quantify what makes a blog good or great or resonant. Some blogs get more traffic, more comments, more linkage, more advertising (all of which I am in favour of, by the way) – but these aren’t necessarily the best blogs - not necessarily the best written or the funniest or the most touching or the most anything. They’re popular, so they obviously appeal, but beyond that what can we say? They're popular. Britney Spears is popular; opera and experimental jazz are not. But these are not comparable.

(I am not arguing that popular things have no merit beyond mass appeal. I'm just noting, for the self-reflective record, that popularity does not necessarily equal greatness, or even mere quality, in any measure. I like popularity, because I like being liked, but I'm well aware that what might make me popular is not necessarily what is the best of me, and that being popular is not a reason for self-congratulation.)

All of this is a very long-winded, convoluted way for me to say this: I’m removing my name from the list of finalists for the Canadian Blog Awards.

I’ve been uncomfortable with this whole exercise since it began, and so I’ve decided to forego further participation. I didn’t, and don’t, want to lobby my readers to check off my name on some dubious shortlist of Good Blogs (highly dubious. So very many amazing blogs are missing from these lists.) I don't want to get sucked into the mudtrap of measuring the value of this blog - my blog, my creative space - according to the standards of a vote and a list. And I don’t want to try to convince you that my blog is better than any other blog on that (again, wholly unrepresentative) list.

I like my blog, I think that it is good, and I hope that the exercise that it represents in terms of my writing yields other opportunities (even if only in allowing me a space to practice my writing.) I like that it is well-visited, and that so many thoughtful people respond to it. But it is what it is – just one blog among a great many wonderful, inspiring blogs. If you like it, I hope that you’ll read it. But that’s all that I want you to do – read it, and, if you’re so inspired, talk to me about it or carry on the conversation at your own blog or around your dining table or wherever.

So. That two minutes that you might have spent on voting? Use that time to leave a comment telling me that I’m deluded or insightful or that I’m obviously engaging in some lame attempt to boost my own popularity. Or use that time to go discover another blog that might inspire you. Go tell someone that you like their blog, or that you like what they had to say today or that you disagree with what they said today or whatever. BLOG. Find some way to remind yourself how and why it is that you love blogs.

You don't need a vote to do that. I don't need a vote to do that.

'Nuff said.

WonderBaby tried to train a clutch of monkeys to overwhelm the CBAs with random votes but she didn't have enough bananas and they mutinied. They're out there, somewhere in the Greater Toronto Area, holding up produce stores and looking for an open wireless connection.

*I remain really, really grateful to those who nominated me and voted for me and put me in the finals. Really - I loves me the flattery, and this was truly flattering. So, thank you.**I am in no way maligning any blogger who embraces these awards and who does lobby for votes. I’ll certainly continue cheering on some of my favourite bloggers, because I’d love to see them acquire some bloggy bling and get the good linkage that comes with an award like this. I’ve made this decision for me; I’m not insisting that it’s what everybody should do. This isn’t a boycott.

I continue to have great respect for you, and I admire you for being true to yourself. And my comment to you is in no way an indictment of those who remain in the competition.

I used to always want to be the best. But early on - I'm talking junior high school or so - I figured out that there was a lot of stuff I enjoyed but that I'd never be the best at it, no matter how hard I worked. Improvement was within my grasp, but perfection was not. The fact that I really couldn't ever be the best ceased to be a deterrent, and I went after what I wanted because I wanted it. Sometimes I ended up being "the best" or close to it, but more often than not, I didn't. And as long as I was proud of what I'd done, that was enough for me.

All of which has made this whole blogging experience so much more rewarding for me. I'm striving to continue improving as a writer, not to jump in the game and win a Pulitzer right off the bat.

When I first realized that I had been nominated for the CBAs, I felt uncomfortable with the whole concept - I thought that the format had the potential to feed a little too easily into the dark side of blogging.

When the first round of voting began, though, I changed my mind - it has felt to me exactly like blogging always does feel: there's an element of friendliness, there's a degree of discomfort (it's an honour to be nominated, but also kind of embarrassing), and last but not least there's the need to control one's expectations.

Every time I visit my blog, I pick a number - how many new comments do I think I'll see? Usually I low-ball it by a comment or two, but that doesn't prevent the pin-prick of disappointment every once in awhile when the number is lower than I had hoped.

Competitiveness, disappointment, anxiety - these are part of blogging, a part that I mostly succeed at keeping in check. I wholeheartedly support you for doing what feels right to you about this - but as a "loser" who didn't make the cut I guess I feel like I'm in a position to say that the CBAs, largely because of the fun and generous spirit in which everyone has approached them, have turned out to be far less destructive than I originally feared.

Interesting. I thought the awards thing was ridiculous from the get go. A bit high school, the movie Carrie springs to mind actually...

I nominated no one and voted for no one and received no nominations myself. Which had nothing to do with my lack of participation. It is just that I think most of the people I read would not give rats fart about an awards ceremony anyway. I think the satisfaction of feeling good about ones blog should come from the quality of response. Not a vote.

Your blog is one of my favourites. I love it because you're real and honest and unafraid. I was pretty much introduced to the world of blogs from reading yours. And, I love it.No voting necessary.I often wish you'd been blogging when I was going through my first year cause I would have felt so much more sane.

It's not fear of disappointment that has unnerved me about the awards. Nor do I think that the awards are destructive. It's just that I don't feel comfortable participating in something that I sorta disagree with - measuring and weighing the worth of blogs according to how many votes they can marshall. And, I guess that it's just a way of affirming for myself that I'm happy with my bloggy life the way that it is - a button stating 'BEST BLOG' just won't make any difference. So why not let someone who really wants that, have that?

You are so smart, lady. SO smart. I adore every neuron that fires outta your brain. I totally understood your saying it's not a ban, and that you would cheer others on. Good for you for being so honest. And so very Canadian. :)Karenxoxoxoxoxo

I applaud you! It's hard to turn the other cheek when the chance of "fame and fortune" is just beyond your reach. I gave up trying to become a popular blogger, and believe me, it was a relief. Not that you shouldn't strive for whatever you desire, but for me, it was taking away from why I started blogging in the first place. It fuzzied my focus, it muddied my mind.

So doing what is right for YOU is not always easy, but here you are, doing it.

Cheers HBM! (and like you, this is not an awards boycott, simply a recognition of what you are doing, which is not easy).

Good for you, HBM. Blogs can be many things -- as many 'things' as there are readers and writers of them. You are to be congratulated (and congratulating you I am) for being self-aware enough to know what your blog is to you by realizing what is to be gained and/or lost by the kind of exercise proposed by the awards. As you understand it, what you are aiming to accomplish here for yourself and your audience, and how this blog fits into your larger picture of yourself, your writing, and your blogosphere community, is ultimately inimical to the behaviours or standards or merits promoted by the awards. As you say, a totally personal thing. Nuthin wrong with awards or voting or finding new blogs by checking out the site, but I think you've nicely managed to extricate yourself from the process while not maligning the process. A very sensitive and sensible post. And I'm hiding the bananas ... :-)

I think you need to do what you feel comfortable doing. If this is not that something, you are definitely doing the right thing by withdrawing. I wouldn't worry about what other people think your reasoning is( OH, how easy it is for me to say that! Me, the woman who CONSTANTLY worries what other people think!) I would just take it as a compliment that other people like your blog. I think it is great! I say, way to stick to your convictions! No one ever said that would be easy!

You can tell WB to come pick up her damn monkeys - they are eating us out of house and home (and nice shirt - Bumper has the same one - great taste ladies).

I do understand what you are saying though I know I wouldn't do the same because I'd be totally tickled if it happened to me. But I do understand why you removed your name because you've backed up what you have said and it's what you feel. Nothing can dictate how you feel except for you. Always stick to your guns.

One of the reasons I voted for you in one of the categories (I forget which one) is because of posts like this. You have this way of looking at an issue, of turning it around and upside down and looking at it from so many different angles, that is unique in the Blogosphere. The way you write makes me want to be a better writer.

three out of four times i come here... no, actually, it's probably even more often than that... well, at any rate, a whole lot of the time, when i come read your blog, it is you and your writing that reminds me how and why it is that i love blogs. so thanks. :)

Well, I am from the US and this voting thing went so well for me at the beginning of November, just made me feel like I had lodged my foot on a solid ledge stopping a frightening slide down a mountainside, made me feel hopeful and grateful and I am having a hard time not voting on somtheing else just to rejoice again. I think I should calm down by December. And I very much enjoy your blogs.

HBM, I love how you articulate so many of the struggles I think many of us moms go through. It sounds like you have accepted with more grace tha struggles of mommy-hood better than I and I envy that. I am still looking for the right balance of writing and mothering, of cleaning and laundering, of cooking and saving my sanity. Blogging is one little way I work on that. As for the 'best blog' thing, I think you're writing is right up there among the "best," whatever that is ... I think your missives touch many of us.

Ok I was wondering why you withdrew.That must have been a difficult decision. I can see what you are saying here so I am glad it is the right decision for you.Of course I am glad that you made it to the second round because I am competitive like that.

Aw, I'm sorry that you dropped out and that something that I've always found so much fun is less than fun for you. I do get your reasons, though, even as someone who has rather more - um - enthusiastically embraced the idea of the awards. Good for you for doing what you believe, though. And BTW, I'm sorry my name got lumped in with some of the less savoury comments on your earlier post on the subject.

I love what Bub and Pie said. Way better than I could have said it myself.

Not that I'm fending off nominations left and right, but I had to go through a similar process a while ago, trying to decide what my blog was for and why I was blogging. For whom? What topics were taboo? Whose feelings would I protect, and whose would I wound by writing even when they didn't want to be written about?

It's ongoing. But I keep coming back to the bottom line, which is that if I wanted to be popular and criticized, I would be submitting my work to be published, somewhere or other. But I don't, so I'm not. Yet.

I really, really, needed to read this post today. I've been having a personally bad few days, and this:

One of the great gifts of motherhood has been that it has forced me to become more reasonable in my expectations of myself. It has forced me to move the finish line, to reimagine the finish line.

is so beautifully expressed, it was the nudge I needed to give myself a break. This post made me cry, not the part about your withdrawal from the contest (I think it's wonderful that you were able to decide, it doesn't resonate for you so you're not going to participate - and stick to it. I need more of that sticktoitiveness.) but all you said about the daily moments of winning as we go about living, parenting, writing. Thank you.

Interesting... It's true, it would be impossible to pick a best or favourite IMO. It was something of a relief to get to round two where I'm not so tossed up among so many great blogs and friends. You've made it a bit easier again now, I guess, so metromama it is then, huh? She'll be happy, I think, so that is good.

The monkeys are reminding me of the Sheree Fitch book Monkeys in my Kitchen. Funny stuff.

I can understand why you've withdrawn your name. I enjoy your blog a lot, but when asked, a while back, to pick a favourite blog, I couldn't do it either, and I was just asked casually. There are too many blogs out there that I love, it's impossible to pick just one.

Although, I should like your blog best, solely because your daughter had the great good sense to be born on MY birthday. :D

Blogging is fascinating isn't it.Most start blogging as an outlet. A personal thing. 'Something for themselves' as we all say at one point.

But it is a narcisistic (sisisisisieh wheatever) experience to, to a certain extent.

I think no matter how much we really do mean that we don't care who or how many read our blogs, we all get a thrill when we see a whack of comments.

And for two reasons...the childish idea of 'they like me! they really like me!' and that people you admire, enjoy feel the same way about you.

It helps us all feel that was belong.

I will freely admit to having teeny tiny twinges of jealousy when I see people being voted best blog of the month or funniest or whatever.....even though I wholeheartedly agree since I wouldn't be visiting those sites in the first place.

But I agree..I don't know if we can have best blog awards when there are so many types of blogs and so many reasons that one could be the best..but best of what really?

I cast a couple of votes once I discovered they exist and I'll probably go back and look again now that the finals have arrived.

I voted for the names I recognized (and read) which may or may not have anything to do with "best". Not being Canadian, there weren't too many of those.

Speaking just for myself, I don't care about popularity. I write my boring little journal for myself (and the girls) and break most of the blogging rules along the way. I love getting comments, the interaction, and the online friends I've made a a result but I'd probably stay with it as a journal if everyone disappeared overnight.

I agree with Something Blue that there isn't anything wrong with these types of awards, but I also feel that sometimes they make a whole lot of people who aren't nominated feel kinda bad. I guess that's the downside to awards.

In any case, I do admire you for stepping out of it. I would imagine that would be hard for many people (including myself) to do.

p.s. I felt a small twinge of disappointment when I realized I had not been nominated for these awards. But then I remembered I'm not Canadian. And I felt much better. *wink* :)

I started blogging for me, as an outlet really, and with hopes of eventually 'meeting' other bloggers who had similar interests.

Your post re why you've withdrawn your blog from consideration makes perfect sense to me. I really enjoy your blog. I 'vote' for your blog every time I check in and read it, comment on it, and think about a lot of the things you write about. Kind of what I thought blogging was supposed to be about in the first place.

As for comparing blogs, you're right. It's like art. Apples and oranges. You can't really compare; you just like what you like and move past that which doesn't touch you, with perhaps a nod to the creative effort. ;-)

Very interesting. I agree with you. Honestly, I'll never have a known blog, nor will I ever do ads or whatever. Not because I am against it in any way, but it's just not why I do this. It's so much more than the high school popularity contest that it can sometimes seem to be. Friendships I've made and will continue to make are the reason I keep doing this.

i have not got an ounce of competitiveness in me. it is a weird streak in a litigation lawyer but it actually makes me better at what i do.

as for being a mum... i had the kind of parenting that could well end you up in the gutter with a serious habit. so when my son says i'm the best mum in the world it has a huge impact. to our own kids we should be the best mum in the world. what everyone thinks really doesn't matter.

as for blogging... i do it like a kind of diary. so long as no-one says unkind things its cool. your blog is great. by giving away personal tender stuff you make the rest of us feel less odd and raw. keep doing it for your readers!

You are an amazing woman. This is why I keep on reading you and feel like I can relate to a lot of what you write. This whole blog thing is wonderful and why turn it into a popularity contest when it should just be about us all supporting each other.

You have to do what's right for you. Like you, if I ever ended up on one of those ballots, I'd be flattered. That said, I would probably also be very prone to checking it constantly and wondering how I was doing and who, if anyone, was voting for or against me and the whole enterprise might make me unappreciative of the folks who DO come by and leave a comment. And I don't want that. I think we all need approval and love. If it comes in the form of an award...so be it. If it doesn't (and it doesn't have to), that's okay, too. I respect your decision.

Hey, remember how I commented my way of dealing with the nomination was to ignore it? I feel like a hypocrite now, because I decided to post a link in my sidebar to the awards.

I have a similar struggle as you with the awards. I think the recognition is really nice, and something (for me) feels dishonest about me just ignoring the whole thing. So I am admitting that it flatters me, that it matters to me, and that I like the attention. Even though it makes me feel all squishy and weird.

The conflict for me is that I completely agree with everything you wrote about "why measure" and the inherent unique value in all blogs.

So whatever, I sit all twisted. Loved this post so much though, and Catherine, you are a wise woman. I love that you are out here in the blog world (and in my metaphorical backyard of the giant Tee dot)

(Thanks for letting me write about it here- I don't meant to be self absorbed, or to highjack your comments with my stuff, hope you dont take it that way)

I totally agree but can't help thinking I would have voted for you anyway, if I were Canadian, because I think you are brilliant and love reading you and I say that without taking anything away from the other talented bloggers (so take that!) but I respect your decision and your willingness to listen to your instincts on this.

I don't know anything about the CBAs, but I guess I can understand how you feel.I wish, for myself, that I didn't need a certain amount of validation in my own blog-mindedness.Similar to sitting around with a bunch of mommies comparing parenting philosophies...we all spout off at the mouth in hopes of somehow justifying our own decisions. I find that, if I were an honest woman (which, truthfully, I'm not always--with myself anyways), I'd own up to the anxiety of how many comments, what the comments said. Which is totally retarded and very 7th grade dance of me, but I'll own it.I'd have voted for you, though. For me...because I see so much of myself in your writing. I'm just going to post "what she said" on my next post! :-)

Good for you for putting your money where your mouth is. I think you captured it brilliantly about "best" labels. I, however, would not be so principled as you if I were nominated. I'd be doing a happy dance and would not withdraw my name for consideration. I admire you, for reals! And that kid is just too damn delicious.

Well said. Three of the blogs I read were nominated, and I found it difficult to choose. I like each one for different reasons. I ended up voting once for each of the three, to make it even, which doesn't make any sense at all!

I hesitated posting this because it would construed as self-promotion of TheGoodBlogs but your post resonated so much with why we started TheGoodBlogs, I felt compelled to leave you a note. We love doing what we do every day, promoting bloggers, not because they are great, well-known or celebrities, but because they are decent, honest folk with something worth saying but alas in all the digital noise, their voices got lost. It doesn't matter if your blog has 5 or 500 hits a day. What is important to us is that the blogger has an opinion and a point of view and it should be heard. Even if we connected only one reader with one blogger each day, our job is done. Our mom blog category is one of my big time favorites because it is real (I'm a parent too), touching, unadulterated and honest. It is an honor to have you part of our growing community. Thank you for sharing.

i so hear you and relate to all of this. i'm too much of a perfectionist and too hard on myself as well, and i think were i in your position it would've driven me nuts (and i probably would've withdrawn as well for that reason alone).