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3 Steps to Unlock the Power of Bad Feelings

"My friend...care for your psyche...know thyself, for once we know ourselves, we may learn how to care for ourselves" -Socrates

In Laugh at your own Risk I said that we don't have to endure feelings of envy or jealousy and promised to discuss their origins and tips on how to resolve them. In researching this topic, I found it difficult to pin down generic roots for these toxic emotions except for our well-documented tendency to compare ourselves to others and its connection to low self-esteem. Whoever coined the phrase "to compare is to despair" should receive the brilliant common sense award.

And then it hit me.

There are no generic roots of envy or jealousy just as there are no generic roots of anger, sadness or any other negative emotions we'd rather not feel. They developed out of our particular story and to understand and resolve them, we have to look inward. By relentlessly pursuing them, we can extract information that will help us improve our lives. The first and most important step is to accept how you feel.

Thousands of books, seminars and advice columns are dedicated to promoting the idea that to find happiness, we have to fight bad feelings. I'm not the first to point out that this approach is futile. Years of research strongly suggest that emotions are adaptations that serve a fundamental purpose to our survival. We can't will them away anymore than the urge to eat or sleep. They inform us about what's good for us and what (or whom) we should steer clear off. And seriously, if we could will bad feelings away, wouldn't we all be doing it? And, wouldn't most modern maladies like addiction, depression, suicide, violence, and divorce simply disappear? Therapists would all be out of jobs, and yes, I realize that some people already think that this should be so.

Yet, the myth persists. It does for a simple but powerful reason: the truth hurts. Not only are negative feelings inherently painful, they also frequently communicate what we'd rather not know. They tell us that we don't feel loved or lovable, that our job is killing us, that we married the wrong person, that we feel alone and misunderstood, or that we didn't really want three children etc., etc. These emotional realities are hard to face and demand that we act or change. Human beings hate change. Even when it's change for the better.

So the worst part of sticking to the "fight and deny your feelings" strategy is that it leaves us in the dark. Even the pettiest reaction flickers to illuminate. By ignoring it, we deny the opportunity to learn more about ourselves. It's time to take off that don't worry be happy T-Shirt!

The second step is to verbalize what you are feeling, in the simplest terms possible. Ideally, you would do so in an empathic environment. It could be a friend, a support group, a family member, a spouse or a therapist. This is not easy to find. Most people (however loving or well-intended) have trouble tolerating someone else's pain (often because it triggers their own). Don't let anyone smother you with explanations, pep talk or some other really well-articulated diversion. Yes, maybe the person who hurt you didn't mean to. Maybe your feeling is childish or normal. Maybe this, maybe that. Who cares? It's your feeling and you're just trying to follow it down into your less conscious mind. So choose wisely and trust that what you feel means something. I have witnessed in hundreds of psychotherapy groups that even the most "off the wall" reaction is rooted in a coherent feeling.

The third step is to explore. Some good questions to ask yourself during this process: What do I need here or feel like I'm not getting? What is this person getting that I want (in case of envy)? What can I do to get it and who is (or was) denying it to me?

The answer is frequently very simple. Many discover that they need more (undivided!) attention. In any case, if you can pinpoint what it is for you, ask for it (very nicely) from someone who you know loves you and wants the best for you. I know this sounds scary, but many people respond to this kind of honesty and vulnerability with kindness. There is really only one way to find out.

This process should bring some relief, but it can also initially make the feeling stronger. Don't worry about it; no one has ever died from feeling something (but many have from trying to avoid it by using drugs etc.). You should start to have some spontaneous insights into where these feelings are coming from. It could be a memory or something in the present you really want but are not pursuing.

Use bad feelings for what they were created for: to tell you what you need but are not getting. A particularly insightful reader of my Charlie Sheen posts reminded me of the famous Thoreau quote that most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Refuse to be one of them!

Waow, this post is really powerful!
I am one to be consumed with jealousy and envy, and your article was so insightful that it left me crying. Thank you for sharing your very honest and refreshing take on things.

Hi Marc,
I'm very sorry to hear that you struggle with envy and jealousy a lot. They are very painful feelings that tend to bring up a lot of shame. I'm glad you feel my post helped and/or shed light.
And thank you for the compliment!
Keep fighting!
Best,
Nadja

Something else that Socrates said was 'The unexamined life is not worth living'. I like to think that I am free of comparison to some extent but then I find it lurking in small and subtle ways.
Another excellent piece of writing Nadja.

Accept your bad feeling, Tell someone about it, explore what's making you feel that way. And to think I've spent 20 yers in therapy! Truer words were never spoken. However you are making the assumption that the person KNOWS what they're feeling. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that there are a lot of unconcious people out there. Denial runs deep. Any advice for them? Oh wait, they would'nt be reading any of this would they.

Hi EB,
Thanks for the kind words! You are making an excellent point that some people are so unconscious that they have trouble knowing what they are feeling. And yes, maybe they would never read this post. In any case, I've noticed that even the most unconscious people "know something" about their true reactions. Frequently, they get stuck in the "accepting" stage.
Best,
Nadja

"no one has ever died from feeling something (but many have from trying to avoid it by using drugs etc.)"

I never really thought about it that way, but you're right, no one has died from feeling a feeling. Admittedly, a few times I've felt like dying rather than feel them. It takes a will to live, not only physically but emotionally, in order to avoid the act out, and go through the harder task of feeling.

HI Kimmie,
You are so right—it takes the will to be truly alive emotionally to face one's most painful feelings. Thank you for pointing out that important (and frequently overlooked) distinction.
I'm sorry to hear that you've had to face the kind of pain that can make you feel like you'd rather die than feel it. It does sound like you've gone through a lot and come out at the other end "to tell the tale." That takes a lot of true courage! Thank you for sharing and stay strong!
Best,
Nadja

Hey Nadja, I do believe you should be getting that common sense award! This is all so true and so helpful. Jealousy and envy are feelings that we often feel ashamed of - so not only are we burdened with our green eyed monsters but our shame for feeling the way we do. I think it is comforting to have someone say it is safe to acknowledge whatever the truth might be. On top of all that I am still laughing about the" don't worry be happy" reference! Gretchen

Hey Nadja, I do believe you should be getting that common sense award! This is all so true and so helpful. Jealousy and envy are feelings that we often feel ashamed of - so not only are we burdened with our green eyed monsters but our shame for feeling the way we do. I think it is comforting to have someone say it is safe to acknowledge whatever the truth might be. On top of all that I am still laughing about the" don't worry be happy" reference! Gretchen

Hi Gretchen,
I accept the award and I'm honored, but I didn't prepare a speech:>
It's so true, feeling shame over feeling jealousy and envy makes this a double whammy!
Glad I made you laugh:>
Thanks for reading,
Best,
Nadja

ahhhh! Last semester was rough for me because I felt consumed by unhappiness, and of course I couldn't ignore it! So I did what you have written. I acknowledged how I was feeling, examined it, shared it with a trusted friend, and I've been feeling better for a little while now. Like you said, it is scary to go there, to go beneath the surface of agony but eventually it is liberating, and brings you so much closer to yourself and understanding your emotions. I loved this post. I read psychologytoday a plenty, and this has been my first comment! Thank you!

Dear Anonymous,
I'm honored to be the first to receive a comment from you! Thank you for your kind words about my post. It's hard to know as a writer if the intended message is really coming through.
I'm also really glad you shared your experience with fighting your way through a difficult time. I think your ability to trust a friend with your feelings and pick someone right for the situation is wonderful and says a lot about your mental health. Where would we all be without great friends?
Most of all, I'm thrilled you're feeling better.
Thanks for writing and keep in touch.
Best,
Nadja

I was just this morning feeling envy because some friends on Facebook indicated that they had gone to the wedding of an acquaintance, a wedding to which I had not been invited, but to which I think it quite possible that my ex WAS invited. I wouldn't have cared, since there was no reason why I would be invited, until I thought that maybe he had been, and then I got really envious. After reading your article I realized that the envy is rooted in a desire to be accepted by this group, and a desire to be accepted and welcomed in general. This seems to be a pretty normal need. I no longer feel quite so bad about my envy, sine it's only telling me I have a desire to be part of a community.

Dear MHB,
Wow! That sounds like a very important and powerful insight—we all need to feel accepted and part of a larger community. I'm very glad it helped with the sting you felt for being excluded from the wedding. It does sound painful though and is also a normal reaction, particularly when an Ex is in the picture.
Thank you for reading and joining the discussion with this insight.
Best,
Nadja

My comment is more about your approach to your PT blog... Your style of writing is artful, and your willingness to respond to comments and be part of the conversation is terrific! Keep up the good work Nadja. I do believe I have found a new favorite PT blogger.

Dear Christina,
What an incredible sweet and kind thing to say. I'm glad you're enjoying my blog so much and that I beat out the pretty stiff competition to become your "current" favorite PT blogger:> What an honor!
Best,
Nadja

Thank you so much, Jo. I'm thrilled that you feel the post is helpful and worthy of a spot on your fridge. Let's face it, this whole PT blogging thing is just a stepping stone to fulfill my life-long dream of ending up on people's fridge!:>
All the best,
Nadja
P.S. What is a filofax?

Very Nice Read however I am getting stuck trying go beyond what you said in the Explore stage e.g. find out why you feel envy etc. What if you just don't know why? What kind of deeper exploration does it call for. I know there are various reasons out there for bad feelings, but with envy/jealous, what if the person just cannot find out why they feel this way all the time. Granted they can accept, verbalize, but cannot explore too far. For example, what if the person has a lot of material stuff, but still yearns more and envies those that have more that they have? Do some people have to explore why they probably keep wanting and wanting more as opposed to just exploring what they can do to get more material stuff etc, instead of envying others? Hope this makes sense...

Dear Anonymous,
What you say makes a lot of sense and I think a lot of people struggle with what you are describing. The short answer is that if you keep accumulating material things, yet it is never enough, then this is a clue that MORE material things are not the answer. The question then remains, what do you really need?...feel more connected? ...feel more loved..? It is a very individual question what can bring us true happiness and fulfillment, but I also think John Lennon hit the nail on the head when he sang that "All you need is love," even though we also need food and shelter:>
For a more detailed exploration of this topic (love vs materialism), I highly recommend that you try and catch the documentary "I am"(not to be confused with I am Nr. 4)!!!
I hope this helps.
Thanks for reading and writing,
Nadja

Talk about hitting the nail on the head. Simple, clear, direct and helpful guidance. Yet easy to "lose sight of", burdened by the daily cell-level struggle against feeling. It's gotten quite bad lately, as I've largely fallen out of regular contact with friends. I believe this will turn around, but damn it's hard. And scary. Thank goodness I'll be hanging with a few of them for several days starting about a week from now. ("Courage, boy...") I will keep your words in mind, close at hand, in the coming days. And honor the commitment to self & health, required. Thank you, Nadja.

I'm going to risk throwing in my two cents' worth on as to why it's so easy to lose sight of what we need during our daily struggles. To me, there are tons of distractions and little tasks that confront most everybody through their daily lives. Imagine a bunch of things being created by 10,000 different people out there vying for your daily attention and care...all to distract one single person (YOU or ME) from his/her needs. In fact, it's hard for me to NOT to imagine being unable to stay focused on daily needs with so any distractions flying at us all the time. The only solution to this, for me at least, is to struggle to keep things reasonably SIMPLE on a day-to-day basis.

I also see where people can actually CREATE distractions to avoid the hurt or whatever it may be at the core, but I need to create a distraction of my own so I can avoid this topic for now, bye!

Re your question about where these feelings first come from, I'm a big fan of looking at creation mythologies around the world -- you'll see that just about every race of humankind considers these nasty feelings at the very core of our nature. The Greek and Roman god tales begin with a jealous father eating his kids; the German/Norse myths are if anything more neurotic/psychotic. And of course the Bible has us being just great till we eat the apple, then suddenly the first sibling rivalry goes... um... kinda nasty!

You're totally right, we're still wasting our time trying to figure out 'why' these feelings are there, when all these cultures have realized, the feelings are there because we're Human! Gotta just live with it!

I really like this article - intelligent, articulate and sensible.
I would just like to add another reason I see for exploring and understanding our negative emotions. I think we need to understand our negative emotions in order to fully experience the positive ones. Day can only be appreciated when it is preceeded by night. When we anaesthesise ourselves against feeling the negative emotions, we also numb ourselves against the positive ones. Living a life in a dim half-light of tolerable emotions is no way to live.

I really like this article - intelligent, articulate and sensible.
I would just like to add another reason I see for exploring and understanding our negative emotions. I think we need to understand our negative emotions in order to fully experience the positive ones. Day can only be appreciated when it is preceeded by night. When we anaesthesise ourselves against feeling the negative emotions, we also numb ourselves against the positive ones. Living a life in a dim half-light of tolerable emotions is no way to live.

Thank you for the kind words Annie and for contributing an important point. You are so right that in order to fully experience positive emotions, we must be willing to feel ALL our emotions. Even findings in neuroscientific research support this.
Ironically, I'm putting the finishing touches on my next post which is about the most misunderstood emotion of them all: anger. Can't wait to hear what your thoughts will be on that.
Best,
Nadja