The Kink Panel Has Some Kinky Resources For You

by Ali and Daniela
At September 2012 A-Camp, there was an overwhelming want/need for a panel on kink specifically. So we made that. In fact, that’s what we’re doing today. At 9:30 AM PST, we will be talking about Kink. Because it’s never too early for Kink. And in turn, the Kink Panel wanted to give you guys all the resources so you can follow along at home. So just pretend you’re on a mountain with 200 queer people and someone just asked a question about where to get the best leather flogger. We’d like to let you know that every link in this article is proudly Not Safe For Work. Enjoy the resources and recommend more in the comments!

Kink 101

Sm 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman. It’s a book that covers all the Sm basics in such a way that is relevant to newbies and seasoned kinksters alike. Its chapters seem basic, but upon closer reading you realize there are things you didn’t know you didn’t about, which is mindblowing and helpful. My favorite part about it is the specificity on language, in that it gives you examples that you can use until you can come up with language of your own. I learn by example, so this book hit the spot. It has a lovely negotiation form, as well.

Kink Academy: On-demand kink education and sex-ed – I can best explain this as an ever-growing video library of all kinky things, which is kind of baffling to me. Each video is a thoughtful How To of whatever topic the educators are tackling and you can search for them according to your skill level, toy of interest, kink category or educator. I have learned not only about new practices I didn’t know I was into, but also about awesome educators, writers and otherwise-identified people in the field of sex ed.

The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge ed. Tristan Taormino. I’d say this is the new school Screw The Roses. I don’t have a copy of my own just yet, but it will soon become a thing that belongs in my library. Each chapter is written by a different educator, and what I’m most looking forward to fully reading and not sort of glancing over at work is the detailed techniques explored in the first half of the book. The second half, just as awesome, concentrates more on role-playing fantasies and the discussion of somewhat less mainstream practices (I mean, I don’t know what mainstream means anymore, I feel like 50 Shades of Grey didn’t help the cause).

Need a doctor or a psychiatrist that won’t demonize your consensual sex life? Visit the KAP directory for everything from a therapist to a web designer. KAP stands for Kink Aware Professionals and is run by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom.

Communication and Consent

Yes/No/Maybe Sexual Inventory Stocklist from Scarleteen. This list is fun to go through alone or with a partner and is good for figuring out exactly what you’re interested in trying. It includes more than just all things kinky, but it’s a good way to figure out what your personal boundaries are and what you’re looking for. I recommend going through it first by yourself – grab a nice glass of wine or mug of tea and go to town.

If you’re looking for a survey to complete with a potential partner, Mojo Upgrade gives you a list of potential sex acts (kinky ones, too), and then gives your partner the same list. Then it shows you the things you’d both like to try. An excellent conversation starter.

How and Where to Find Playmates

International Ms Leather is an umbrella group that lists a bunch of queer leather women events and organizations throughout the world (mostly for the US and UK, though). It’s a good place to start if you are looking for half-educational, half play-party events.

I’ll go ahead and state the obvious: Fet Life. Like Facebook for kinksters. But as it’s user run, like Facebook, the community here can often be problematic. As long as – like with any other social media – you’re good to take the good and leave the bad, it can still be a pretty good place to find like-minded kinky queers and events in your area.

Getting Specific: About Specific Kinks and Fetishes

The New Topping Bookand The New Bottoming Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton. The most focused books on Domme/sub power dynamics I’ve found so far. I’d say the intro can get a little long for people who are familiar with the subject, but I’m still a fan because each book is so focused it gives the authors the freedom of going into great detail about each role. I think the most useful thing about these books is how they break down the subject into accessible, easily explainable thoughts for those of us new to it or with a partner who doesn’t know quite yet how to go about it.

Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up and Talk Hot! by Carol Queen. I love Queen’s approach to exhibitionism as a means to conquer shyness and body image issues. Through interviews with seasoned professionals (like Nina Hartley) and with advice of her own, Queen covers exhibitionism from head to toe. My favorite thing is that this book has concise, clear instructions that let you execute them in whatever way makes you feel the best and hottest about yourself.

Sugarbutch: online diary of a kinky queer butch top, includes a LOT of leather and power dynamics, and of course some super sexy erotica. This is Sinclair Sexsmith’s site, and they also edited Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica(which is super queer despite the title).

Wow – that comment made me facepalm so hard I think I have a concussion.

Yes genius, all the “manly dykes” are into kink and us femmes are just ecstatic to have more sex toys to put in the dishwasher and fetishwear to launder.

I’m gonna finish by offering you the Andrea Gibson quote I couldn’t remember last weekend when some snotty girl at the local gay bar informed me that she was a dyke but I was definitely a lesbian. I don’t know what that even means but this was one pissed off queer.

“I can guarantee a haircut will never tell you anything about someone’s gender, who they﻿ love, or how they fuck.” Andrea Gibson

Midori is RAD. If you ever get a chance to go to a workshop of hers, DO IT!
Besides being an extremely talented bondage artist and excellent teacher, she’s also pretty geeky and nice, which just makes her even awesome-er.

Midori is amazing. My grandmother found my copy of that book while snooping and left it on my table. I died. Fortunately she hasn’t said anything about it.

The only thing with the Pervocracy is that she’s kind of an elitist when it comes to kink. According to her all “real” kinksters use traffic light safe words (as opposed to having one word that means stop it right now), never shorten BDSM to S and M and never ever wear costumes or latex. And not being an active part of the kink community means you’re ashamed, not you know, busy.

Yeah, I love the Pervocracy because it basically introduced me to feminism, but the kink elitism messed me up a bit because I was/am a perfectionist and felt pressure to be the PERFECT KINKSTER when it turns out I’m more comfortable dabbling in BDSM occasionally than really committing to the scene.

I hadn’t heard of Pervocracy before. But from what y’all say, I’m not that impressed. The whole point of safewords is that they’re something the people will easily remember and won’t be mistaken for anything else, so who the fuck cares about traffic signals? Weird.

And, not everyone who’s a perv or into any of the various permutations of BDSM is also into “the scene.” I was a pretty hardcore bottom for a few years, and I never really got into the community (though I was a dues-paying member of the local play spot). I had a circle of awesome, fun people, we did things publicly sometimes, but not everyone’s into it for the community, and that’s okay. Sheesh.

I just do not get the elitism and exclusionary b.s. If you’re safe, consensual, and everyone’s having fun, who cares about anything else?

Yeah, I mean I’ve always been pretty hard core and lucky to find partners who were into that but when I’m not having sex there are other things I want to do and I don’t have time to do them and go to munches and socials.

Just wanted to add that I’ve been reading Pervocracy for a couple of years and personally haven’t found it to be elitist. Cliff writes a lot about “the scene” and hir own experiences, but to me it never seemed dismissive of other types kinksters. There’s a lot of general musings about sex, kink and feminism (quite 101), as well.

It might be that I just happen to be of that brand of kinky polygeek to whom hir writing apply, and thus fail to see the bigger picture… Anyway I do believe there are other autostraddlers who might enjoy Pervocracy, so I too recommend it.

Cliff has never said “You have to use traffic light colors as your safe words.” She has said that SHE happens to like to do so, but that you should do whatever works for you.

Here is what Cliff said about stoplights:
“Always have a safeword. This is a word that stops everything dead. It’s the emergency brake, the circuit breaker, the ejection seat. The instant someone uses it, you don’t argue and you don’t question; you immediately let them out of any bondage, stop any stimulation, drop your role, and just let them cool down. Sometimes that means cuddling them and sometimes it means not touching them, but either way, stay in cool-down mode until you’ve talked about exactly why they used it and whether they want to start again or call it a day.

Don’t be afraid to use your safeword. It doesn’t mean you’re not strong enough or “real” enough or you’re accusing them of doing something wrong. It just means that they’re not a mindreader and didn’t realize you were feeling bad about what was happening(physically or emotionally), and there’s no reason you should tolerate feeling bad in a recreational activity. Relieve them of the need to mindread and tell them.

I like to use a “stoplight” safeword system–red is the true emergency brake, yellow means “ease up, but I’m not done” (I’ll also use it to state my needs, as in “yellow, it’s hard for me to breathe in this position”), and green means “this is awesome, don’t you worry about me, keep on doing the awesome stuff.” ”

*shrug* Cliff’s goal in life seems to be to write about her personal experiences, and to try to help folks understand that anything goes as long as you’re safe/sane/consensual. She writes a lot about how kink is different for everyone, and that there IS no right or wrong way to do it. I’ve been reading the blog for awhile, and I’m sorry it has come across to you as exclusionary and elitist. I’ve always felt like Cliff (at least in recent years) has tried VERY hard to specifically NOT be that way.

Yay! You've decided to leave a comment. That's fantastic. Please keep in mind that comments are moderated by the guidelines laid out in our comment policy. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by!