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Monday, July 29, 2013

The Power of Words: HBO Documentary First Comes Love: A Single Woman's Journey through Fertility Treatments to Parenthood

HBO’s two-hour documentary, First Comes Love, debuts tonight. It shares director Nina Davenport’s
journey as a single woman through fertility treatments towards parenthood. She
has watched her peers and younger friends and family have children. She was especially
affected by the birth of her niece, over a decade ago. She has wanted to marry
and have children, but has never found the right man. And she recently turned
40, which has made her reassess her life.

First Comes Love
documents Davenport’s journey – initially seeking advice and support from
family and friends, asking a friend to be a sperm donor, going through
fertility treatments, giving birth, and raising her child. The documentary isn’t
about adoption, nor is it about infertility per se, but many adoptive and
prospective adoptive parents have experiences with infertility, and I think
there are several intersections between this film and the experiences of many
parents who eventually adopt. It will likely be an emotional ride for any
viewer who has gone through fertility treatments.

Nina explains, “Seemingly everyone on earth has managed to
marry and procreate, except me.” Viewers might find the advice and concerns
given to Nina as painfully familiar. An uncle asks whether he will be expected
to fill the father role. Her father tells her that her idea is ridiculous. Other
friends complain to her that parenting is hard work, seeming to suggest that
she should be grateful for not having children. Single adoptive parents might cringe with
recognition at the question asked bluntly by a child, “Why would you want to
have a baby without a husband?” Another family member reminds her that children
are expensive. When Nina’s father learns that she is pregnant, his initial
advice to her is, “get an abortion.” The film reminds me how much pain can be
caused by careless, tactless, or even well-intentioned words. Adoption is an
emotionally complex issue surrounded by scores of other emotionally complex
issues. Many people impacted by adoption have strong feelings and opinions, and
it is so easy for us to vent our feelings and hurt each where sensitivity and
grace on all sides could do so much good.

One of Nina’s friends doesn’t offer advice, but instead helps
her synthesize her own feelings with everything she’s heard – the challenges
you see are logistical, but your motivation is a desire to love.