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Friday, December 28, 2007

The Word Fuck.

FUCK

If one word could capture a full range of emotions like Robert Dinero can capture any emotion in just one look it would have to be the word "Fuck." Examples abound "Fucking-A," "This is fucking bullshit," "Oh fuck," or new spliced up words like "un-fucking-believable," and "fan-fucking-tastic." Literally the creative mind can abound in little fucking moments of Albert-Fucking-Einsteinesque brilliance when coming up with ways to use Fuck in a sentence.

She's a fucking oxygen thief.He's in fucking jail.She can't act to save her fucking life.

Sure the word Fuck can be absolutely written off as a vulgar word having no place in civil conversation. The kind of toilet boil vocabulary left to comedians, guy's who get their dick stuck in their fly while zipping up, and the poor bastard that finds out his girlfriend is pregnant...with twins. But the F-word, well it has its place in fucking history. Yeah that's right I looked into the birth of the F-word and now you are going to have read something that's actually fucking educational! It seems that no one really knows where the word fuck came from. Like mana from heaven and positraction its seemingly always been there. The closest word I could find to be origin word in terms of its verbal entomology comes from the German language. Fritchen is German for Friction and it doesn't take a fucking rocket scientist to here how close the words Friction and Fuck can sound. In fact if you are fucking there should definitely be some friction occurring. It wouldn't take long for some ear untrained in German to bastardize the word and have the F-Word born out as an offshoot. Of course that is not totally satisfying answer that is clear cut proof of where the F-Word came from. I wasn't fucking satisfied with my initial research and neither should you. That's why I dug a bit deeper:

The Battle Of Hastings

Look at those fucking French pussies retreat!

I'll assume most of you slept through history class and go into convulsions when you find the History Channel on TV for more than 3 minutes. What you need to know is that the French and English really despised each other and their nobility constantly sought to take each other's lands and country's over. Hastings turned out to be turning point in deciding whether France or England would have the most sway over cultural development and all things good and fucking grand. The French and English thought differently on everything, including what is honorable on a battlefield and what was not. For example the French despised the English Longbow. They thought it took all the honor out of war, its range, destructive power and ease of production lead to high French casualties and cut down on the Knight on Knight sword fighting action. After a volley from a group of longbows many a French knight would find themselves, wounded on their back and unable to get up because full plate armor is fucking heavy. The English would send out guys with knives and short swords to finish them off, this was straight up simple killing there was no grand duel of honor here. The French hated it and wished to see the longbow off the battlefield, so they turned to the honorable old art of torture. After capturing groups of English Archers from other battles the French would cut off the plucking fingers, the fingers used to draw and fire the longbow, and send them back to the English lines to tell other practitioners of the longbow to pack up and go home. This did not have the intended effect...

After an astounding defeat of the French at Hastings, archers using the the longbow rushed to the front lines as the French retreated. Holding up their plucking fingers, the pointer and middle finger, they began to shout "Pluck You!" Now from a great distance the chant of "Pluck You!" got a little garbled and sounded like "Fuck You!" And if you need me to paint you a fucking picture from a distance the upheld plucking fingers of the archers looked like they were just holding up their middle finger. Viola the word Fuck and The Finger are born on the same day, and guess what they are twins!

Returning From The Crusades

This English knight's wife is probably fucking some other nobleman who's daddy got him out of the draft.

It seems a sad but time honored tradition that when the call of duty goes out men answer it and go off to war, or sit in line at the video game store to buy Call Of Duty. It also seems that cheating on your husband while he is away at war has been going on as long as war. Same happened during the Crusades. While knights from around Western civilization went to fight in the "Holy Land" so we could a worship in the most miserable place on earth and not have to wear fucking turbans some of their wives couldn't keep it in their pants. Actually to be more accurate they couldn't keep it out of their pants. I mean the Crusades went on for a long fucking time, probably as long as that boring history class you slept through. So at some point whether or not a woman thought her husband was dead she needed a dick like the Dark Ages needed the plague. So dirty little romantic trysts started popping up wherever a noble husband had gone off to war and his wife just couldn't take another dickless night alone. But not all nobles and men went off to war, some stayed behind to "protect" the country, National Guard sound familiar? So they noticed they target rich environment and helped themselves to other men's wives. Sadly all good things come to an end on the Crusades and the sex gravy train came to halt. Now keep in mind there was no Western Union for a knight to tell his wife he was coming home and dinner had better be on the fucking table. Also there was no scheduled departure dates you pretty much got home when you could and the speed of doing that varied greatly. Most of the time the returning knights showed up without warning. This meant that some battle and travel weary knight could come limping home and find his wife in bed with another man, the snickering of servants would reach his ear, and of course the wife would just get to attached to a dick other than her husbands and when that happens women can't hide their cheating if they had a black ball and threw it into the deepest darkest cave you could find. Not only did this spell doom for the marriage but it was also a crime. Under ancient English law it was called Fornification Under Carnal Knowledge. Meaning that it was known to the wife and her lover undercover that they were violating the pact of marriage because the husband was the only man who should have carnal knowledge of his wife and that the cheaters in question new a valid marriage existing. If found guilty the wife could be divorced, the marriage annulled, and the other man in the torrid affair would have to make some sort of financial restitution. Since a lot of knights went away to the Crusades you can bet your ass their were a lot of these cases being brought before judicial system. Just like in olden days the legal dockets were a mess, and it took forever to try these cases, and when calling the charges in court the poor bailiff probably had a sore jaw from saying "The court is hearing the case of Fornification Under Carnal Knowledge against...."

Well the legal world loves acronyms and getting the show on the road, after all the judges have something better to do like hunting, drinking or tormenting first year lawyers. So some brilliant bailiff who legend has it was Irish wanted to speed things up so he could go and get drunk at the pub sooner decided to cut down Fornifcation Under Carnal Knowledge to F.U.C.K. This explains why we also denote Fuck as a sexual term, and I am pretty sure that men being caught by pissed off returning Crusader would probably exclaim "Oh Fuck" in the future. Here is how it would probably sound in that old courtroom.

1 comment:

Anonymous
said...

very interesting indeed but what about the other story? the one that tells us that the word fuck refers back to the plaque when a royal decree was sent to the commoners to repopulate, "Fornicate Under Command of the King"