Saturday, August 30, 2008

The key to a good relationship is finding someone who has a similar temperament, words of wisdom John McCain has followed. The warm-hearted man, best known for calling his wife a cunt, has picked fellow petulant, barely-politician Sarah Palin, the Governor of Alaska who it seems fired the police commissioner for failing to make a case against her estranged brother-in-law serving under him. It goes without saying this election that voting red is a vote for red-faced temper tantrums, which, along with cock insecurity, has been the force behind our foreign policy decisions since the birth of this fine nation.

ABSURD LINES ON CNN FIVE MINUTES AFTER SARAH PALIN WAS PICKED AS VEEP:

"She loves Mooseburgers, the American people can really relate to that kind of person."

"I mean, we don't know much about her yet, except she's a really attractive woman."

"The first reaction in political circles: What in the world was McCain thinking?"

Mmmmm mooseburger. On a scale of 1 to 100, how much do you, American reader, relate to this?

What was McCain thinking? I mean he's the oldest candidate in history and may in fact be having a heart attack while I type these words, yet he picks an inexperienced Governor from a state no one remembers, who has only held office since 2006 and is already embroiled in a scandal. I feel like this is somehow Michael Chabon's fault. McCain read the Yiddish Policemen's Union on the crapper one day and it reminded him Alaska existed and introduced the possibility of sending all liberal Jews there.

Unless the Palin pick was a feeble attempt to position his old white man candidacy as less white and less old manish. If that was the case he should have picked me. I would have campaigned as a Minnesotan hippie female by the name my Native American brethren bestowed upon me during the years I lived with them on the reservation--Walking Big Tits--and stood for the values of free love, abortion sucks, man, spontaneous blackface, and a meritocracy that awards the top 2 percent of earners with unlimited FEMA-sponsored BlowJs.

Because as it is, the Perfect Ratio/McCain ticket has a better chance than the Palin/McCain ticket.

From the Department of Obviousness: Tina Fey is the clear pick for Sarah Palin impersonation humor.

Though I won't be going near Palin's name on the ballot with a ten-foot abortion vacuum, I have not been pleased by the somewhat misogynist pundit talk I've witnessed so far. One commenter on CNN, arguing why Palin isn't a good choice for women rationalized that she's a "bad mother" because as everyone knows Downs Syndrome babies require a lot of attention and running for office with a newborn baby is just "bad parenting". Female voters will be critical of her for putting her baby second.

A multi-level offense, in that it assumes female voters are retards who don't care about actual issues, and because it accuses Palin of something a man would never be accused of. Punishment in a McCain/Perfect Ratio presidency for this particular pundit would be sodimization by Judd Apatow while watching Look Who's Talking Two.

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