I am 30 years old and currently with my boyfriend of 5 years. Before I go into details I think I need to state a few facts about me to give you some context:

1) I grew up in an emotionally abusive home. My parents were physically violent with each other. I grew up with a lot of anger, mistrust, and yearning for love to fill the voids

2) At 14, I met someone who would change my life forever. We were together on and off until we were 17, and for six years after our break up, kept coming back to each other. To this day, I have not felt loved that way (which is where the problems start).

3) I’ve had three long-term relationships (including the teen love). All my boyfriends loved me, I haven’t been cheated on by any of the previous guys, and I ended up breaking it off with both. It seems to be the same pattern, long-term or short. I love the person, I give them everything, I begin to feel they’re not giving me the equivalent and I am burning out, I end up finding others attractive, I wake up and decide to end it. This is a recurring theme in my life.

So onto my current boyfriend. This is my longest relationship. We live together. (I used to live with the one before him as well). In our first year, his dad passed away from cancer, and he hurt me and cheated on me and lied to my face denying everything, despite me having proof. I decided to forgive, but I guess I never really did. This is where I first messed up. I should have left him then and there, but I was too weak. Fast forward to 2018; we have been through a lot. Every year without fail, I end up finding someone else to crush on and go through this period of feeling out of love.

This is where my life becomes complicated.

Over the years my boyfriend has changed a lot. He loves me so much, and I don’t have trust issues with him anymore. But from day one he was never affectionate. So it took him a year to be ok with holding my hand for 10 seconds. If we are watching something, he won’t cuddle up to me on the couch. In fact, more often than not, if I try putting my head on his shoulder, he would remark “that’s not comfortable” and instantly flinch away saying “ow.” You’d think I was stabbing him. The other problem is, everything has to be on his schedule. Whether it is cleaning the house, or buying coffee for us in the morning, it has to be on his terms. He is very lazy, and a slob. But when it is something he will benefit from, he finds all the energy. If he isn’t gaining something from it, I have to wait around for him.

Lately, we haven’t fought as much because I’ve given up trying to tell him it bothers me. So he thinks all is well due to lack of fights. So in his mind, everything is great between us. He talks about marriage and kids, and the thought of either makes me get twisted knots inside, not in a good way. I keep hinting that I don’t think marriage is necessary.

I love him. I do. I care about him. We have some things in common, but we don’t have any deep conversations. I honestly don’t think we ever have. I don’t want to have sex anymore. I am a very affectionate person, and I feel robbed. The nice things he does for me are usually when it is convenient for him or out of guilt, usually, not always. But even asking for a massage for my sore back is like a burden on him. And he will rub for five minutes then be like ok done. We take turns buying coffee in the morning. If it isn’t his turn, he won’t budge. Even if I am feeling down, have a reason. He says no it’s your turn. Like there’s no sense of “Hey your my partner I’ll just do it because you are not up to it right now” the way I used to be. I’m becoming tit for tat like him, and I hate it. I have told him this, and he says you do it too.

He hates confrontation, so if I try to speak to him, he shuts down, gets angry, and we fight. He feels guilty, then he softens up and says he’ll put in more effort, does for a while, and then we end up back here again. This is the same cycle every time.

I want to know from people who’ve been in or are in long-term relationships: Is it unrealistic to think we should be cuddling and having deep conversations now and then? My friends think it doesn’t exist and that I am unrealistic. I can’t understand how anyone can stay with someone they don’t share those things with, unless like me, they are comfortable and scared to leave. But I feel disconnected. I’m craving a more profound emotional and physical connection, and he’s giving me all he knows how but it doesn’t seem enough.

Am I unrealistic? Is this normal for relationships? Is it normal to go through “crushing on others and wanting to leave” about every six months for the last four years? His birthday is in a few days, so I can’t talk to him. I will wait a couple of weeks because I feel horrible. The guilt alone is making me think I should leave it alone and not talk about it. But I feel so lost and empty.

Do you know his love language? How does he show that he loves you? Being a relationship with different love languages is an obstacle, but it can be worked through.

I’ve felt unappreciated after giving more than I was getting and quickly fallen for someone else before. I can’t tell if it’s normal, but you’re not alone there. I would try to ask him how he feels, delicately, and try to explain that you show affection and love in one way, but can see that he shows it differently.

If you don’t know how he shows it, ask how he feels, explain that you can’t tell I’m his words/actions because you show it differently. Maybe you can find the middle ground.

Hello, my dear! When I read your story, I felt something in common. I guess we have kind of differences in our ages, but I have the same problems with my boyfriend. I grew up the same way as you.

My parents are not separated, but they forgot to love me and care about me in my childhood because of the many difficulties they had. I won’t excuse them for that because I did not come to this world for my wish right? Now for two weeks, I have started to write about my feelings as I did not find someone to talk about this. All my friends have their own situation. I need someone to listen to me and tell me whether I am wrong in this matter?

My current boyfriend is my third relationship. I love him very much. Feeling like can’t live without him. But I have many issues that I can not trust him 100%. He behaves the same way as me. I sometimes feel like I should commit suicide. Because I am completely disappointed about finding true love. And finding some who care about me. I always prefer to be alone. We can not always meet as he is working the capital in our country and I am living in a village with my family.

I don’t know whether you are ready to hear my stories. But what I can tell you we really need to talk with someone to find out which is the correct way right? I really need to find a way to get his trust back. So do not ever think that you are the only one who is in this problem. I thought the same until I read your story. But now I feel there are many more.

12:17 PM Saturday 9/15/2018. Today is the most horrible day of my life. I don’t know whether I will be able to write here again. But this is how it ends.

I tried to call him 11 times since today morning and the phone was ringing but no answer. That is normal as if he is with his boss. I assumed like that and did my English class continue. Around 10.30 he started calling me, and I could not answer as I was busy with talking to the parents of my students. And what happened after that, He tried to call me eight times, and because of I did not answer, he decided to leave me. He blamed me so much and lots of bad words. When I asked, is this over, now? He replied angrily “Over.”

And when I asked what will happen to our child, he said: “kill him.”

I think this is the end. I suffered a lot because of this relationship. I tried everything I can to protect our relationship. I bared him. I believed him. He believes as I am cheating on him. I can not change his idea. I tried, but this is how it should end.

3:05 PM Saturday 9/15/2018

He started to call me and just now he asked: “did you have your lunch?”. What a horrible person he is? Is he playing with my life? Is my life is a joke? Today first time, I am not crying because of the most painful and pathetic situation he has been created for me. After he told “it is over” can he still call me and ask whether I had my lunch?