If you read my topic on Sexual Identity, you'll see i have had a major struggle with identifying my sexuality and it has caused me no end of anixety and misery

I am more sexually attracted to men, but solely romantically attracted to women

Out of interest, if you (i.e. anyone reading this...) were in my position: what would you do? Stick to dating women? Attempt to create a romantic interest in men even though it's never been there before?

I guess seeing as the majority reading this are gay, you're more likely to tell me to try and develop a romantic interest in men, but try and be objective if you can...

Ever think about dating a shemale? LOL I'm just kidding! No pun intended.

Dude, it doesn't matter if you're attracted to women or men. Go with your gut, and when you find that one person who you connect with emotionally, physically, sexually, and sensually, then you'll realize all the bullshit about sexual identity is meaningless. It's not who you love, but rather how you love!

Take it from me, I'm a total asshole, and I've still managed to love and be loved. LOL

Rich

_________________________
"I was so poor growing up, that if I wasn't born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with." Rodney Dangerfield

Reading your last post, I was also thinking along the lines of trying to date a tweener. (trans)

I can totally relate to your posts and your confusion.

This is why there is a sexual identity forum. You are not alone...!!! Please try to relax on the anxiety and misery. Been there...done that...How much has it helped?

I think I would concentrate on finding someone special...I mean after all...What does a bi-sexual look like anyway? Do you really need to figure this out? Maybe you should keep all doors open, instead of adopting a rigid standard.

I believe there is someone for everyone, some are straight, some are gay, and some are in between.

Listen to your inner self, you will know when you find the right someone.

Somebodys out there (Triumph)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

Only you can answer your question, and it will probably take a lot of soul-searching. I'm in a similar situation. It's not that I'm not interested in men romantically. But I carry so much baggage with men. I often choose older, unstable, controlling jerks, or men who are unattainable for one reason or another. I've also never enjoyed sex, and have lost virtually all desire for it. The women I like tend be kinder, though they're also usually unavailable. But I feel more in control with them. I don't feel demeaned. I feel comfortable with my role in the relationship, if that makes sense.

I am certain that I was born gay, or born to be gay. Yet, my attraction to several women has been just as strong as my attraction to men. I'm still trying to figure out what I want. Ultimately, if I feel a deep emotional connection, I think I could go either way.

The first question that popped into my mind when reading your post was whether you intend to be monogamous. Does choosing a woman mean you'll have affairs with men on the side? Honestly, that kind of relationship is against my principles. I've seen, with my friends, that it's almost always destructive. But you really don't have to answer to anyone other than your partner. By that, I mean find your own path, but be mindful of hurting the one you love.

I agree with and second what Rich and island have stated above. Don't focus on the gender so much, but on the PERSON. Find someone who is your soulmate, as Rich stated, in multiple ways, not just sexually or romantically. And realize that no one will be everything you need all the time. I nearly smothered my wife for over 20 years. She's said it for years, and I'm finally acknowleging that I need other friends/family to meet some of my needs. When you find that special person, allow them a little space. Try not to smother them or chase them away with your needs. Best of luck to you.

Peace,

John

_________________________
Wish that I could cryFall upon my kneesFind a way to lieAbout a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naiveEven heroes have the right to bleedI may be disturbed...but won’t you concedeEven heroes have the right to dreamIt’s not easy to be me

The first question that popped into my mind when reading your post was whether you intend to be monogamous. Does choosing a woman mean you'll have affairs with men on the side? Honestly, that kind of relationship is against my principles. I've seen, with my friends, that it's almost always destructive. But you really don't have to answer to anyone other than your partner. By that, I mean find your own path, but be mindful of hurting the one you love.

I've never actually had sex with a man, not as a teen or an adult anyway. But i have watched gay pornography since the age of 14. So monogamy is not a problem. I have no real overt desire to be sexual with a man, but being in a relationship with a woman when you know you would probably be more sexually fulfilled with a man poses a lot of questions and causes me no end of anxiety

I have to agree with what Stretch73 has said although i would use go with your heart not your gut of course its the same Just go with the flow feel things out figure out what your more comfortable with and what makes you feel good inside. You will know when that person comes along cause You will feel that specialness for that right person deep with in your soul cause you will ache for that person in such ways that has never felt before. I say this cause for over 30 years i was wondering what i would feel like to fall in love and it did happen but not the way i expected it to happen. I am married but i never fell in love with her but i fell head over arse for a male. The feeling that i felt were so confusing and yet so wonderful to feel inside. I would just relax and don't drive yourself crazy Enjoy both sides of life. Josef

There is a passage in, "Speaking Our Truth", by Neal King, that says, He realized he both hated and loved his bother(perp)for binding,corsetting and...

He had taken the abuse and eroticized it.

When I read that passage it was a WOW moment for me.

The question I had to ask myself is am I revictimizing myself, i.e. Compulsive masturbation(My therapist helped me to decide I was just trying to control my past). Ultimately changed this behavior.

Or... I guess I am alluding to the sexually attracted, but to be more precise the sexually fullfilled part with men (in your post).

My point is, there are open minded women...

Just dropped in (Kenny Rodgers)

island

I am almost certain the the abuse drove me to watch gay porn. I just do not believe that as a 14 year old boy i would've watched gay pornography had i not experienced something homosexual beforehand. Either that, or i was attracted to the taboo nature, doing something exciting and forbidden etc... I certainly had no attraction to males beforehand, and did not believe i was gay. Therefore it is quite strange why a boy who only liked girls would run straight to gay porn

I'm just not sure what fully constitutes sexual attraction. I can get an erection just from kissing a woman. But i have heard many gay men claim they also can. Plus numerous gay men have had long sex lives with women. Are these men biologically bisexual but prefer to identify as gay because they have no desire for women anymore? I've often wondered. I often used my ability to be aroused by women in the flesh as proof that i was straight. But it means very little in the scheme of things, when gay men can make babies and perform numerous heterosexual acts

After years of watching gay sex, i just figure it would arouse me a lot if i ever tried it. But i've never wanted to try it, because i have no romantic interest in men and place a greater emphasis on romance than sex

I'm glad that you intend to be with a single partner. I think that's how a relationship should be. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm judgemental. I know I'm at least a little envious of people who can enjoy sex.

Which brings me to another point. If you've never been with a man sexually, you can't really know you'll like it better. I don't want to encourage you to experiment, especially if you're still uneasy with homosexuality. But I can share my own experience. As a teenager, I fantasized about gay sex. In the middle of the night, I secretely watched the porn channel, and I knew I was more attracted to men. Yet, I literally trembled in front of the TV.

I was handsome, but I had no girlfriends, no boyfriends. I had almost no social skills and I lived in a fantasy world. Once I was finally with a man, sex wasn't what I thought it would be. I tried to be numb. Unconsciously, I made disgusted faces and made the men I was with feel ashamed. Any enjoyment I felt was matched by my discomfort. When I had my first boyfriend, earlier this year, I could see myself being with a women forever, only because it would be less traumatic.

I guess I would advise you to keep an open mind. If you don't want to shut the door to either option, don't. I think it would be a big mistake to go run out and have sex with a man. If you really want to know if you'd be happier with a man, wait until you feel something. If it's really impossible for you to be in a loving relationship with a man, stick with women. What's the other option? Having empty sex your whole life, never capable of developing an emotional bond with anyone.

I know how confusing it is and how tormented you feel. I'm still struggling with my sexuality. Have faith that you'll settle on the lifestyle that's right for you. Follow your heart and do what feels right.

I'm glad that you intend to be with a single partner. I think that's how a relationship should be. Maybe I'm naive. Maybe I'm judgemental. I know I'm at least a little envious of people who can enjoy sex.

Which brings me to another point. If you've never been with a man sexually, you can't really know you'll like it better. I don't want to encourage you to experiment, especially if you're still uneasy with homosexuality. But I can share my own experience. As a teenager, I fantasized about gay sex. In the middle of the night, I secretely watched the porn channel, and I knew I was more attracted to men. Yet, I literally trembled in front of the TV.

I was handsome, but I had no girlfriends, no boyfriends. I had almost no social skills and I lived in a fantasy world. Once I was finally with a man, sex wasn't what I thought it would be. I tried to be numb. Unconsciously, I made disgusted faces and made the men I was with feel ashamed. Any enjoyment I felt was matched by my discomfort. When I had my first boyfriend, earlier this year, I could see myself being with a women forever, only because it would be less traumatic.

I guess I would advise you to keep an open mind. If you don't want to shut the door to either option, don't. I think it would be a big mistake to go run out and have sex with a man. If you really want to know if you'd be happier with a man, wait until you feel something. If it's really impossible for you to be in a loving relationship with a man, stick with women. What's the other option? Having empty sex your whole life, never capable of developing an emotional bond with anyone.

I know how confusing it is and how tormented you feel. I'm still struggling with my sexuality. Have faith that you'll settle on the lifestyle that's right for you. Follow your heart and do what feels right.

I had sex with another boy of the same age quite frequently between the age of 11 and 12. This is what i refer to as my abuse. He was a lot more mature and streetwise than me. The sex was basically him lying on top of me and rubbing his dick against mine until orgasm. I enjoyed the feeling and continually went back for more. But he began to become threatening, telling me i better not be doing it with any other boys apart from him, and then trying to perform anal on me one night against my wishes. I became terrified that this made me gay or he believed i was gay, and broke off all contact with him. I understand this doesn't really compare to the abuse most have suffered on here, but it causes me so much mental anguish down the years

I remember how good the orgasms felt. They were my first and obviously felt euphoric. This is what probably encouraged me to go onto gay porn sites. And this is what basically makes me believe that i would enjoy gay sex if i started doing it again today, 11 years on

I am gay, and I knew I was gay years before I ever had a sexual encounter with a man. I don't think you have to have sex with a man or many men to figure out if you are gay. Straight men know they are attracted to women before they go on their first date - it is not different for gays.

I had many long term relationships with women, including being married to one - while trying to be "normal." Before having my first boyfriend, I fantasized about the sex and the romance with a man. But because of the abuse in my past, I had difficulty enjoying the sex, staying in the moment and not "flashing" or projecting to the past abuse. Also, having been abused by men at a young age, I was afraid of men, so when I did start coming out and dealing with being gay - it was difficult, I wanted to be with a man, but I was afraid of all men - so I avoided them.

When I read your post, my first thought was "if he is romantically attracked to women, then he is straight." I'm not a therapist and not an expert by any means -- I do have years of therapy behind me and years of recovery with a stable supportive partner with romance and a loving sex life and this is just my two cents --

For me, I can physically enjoy sex with a man or a women -- the physical sensation is there.... but without the romance, without the connection that I have only experienced with men, sex is just that -- sex. For me being gay is what is on the inside, the emotional, the "spark, the connection, the understanding, the love.

Do not discount the idea that you MIGHT be straight but sexually attracted to men because of the sexual imprint that was left on you when you were too young to deal with it.

And do not discount the idea that you might be bi-sexual.

Or, maybe you are gay and the romance you are feeling with these women is actually just strong friendships because inside you are still afraid of men so you won't open up -- but sexual attraction is very powerful.

So, my friend, I'll ask you something that my first therapist asked me. When you close your eyes and you picture yourself with a loving partner, holding each other on the sofa, watching an old movie, sharing a kiss or two and hoping for more and picturing a night of kind, romantic, passionate, respectful, gentle love making -- do you picture the other person to be a woman or a man?

So, my friend, I'll ask you something that my first therapist asked me. When you close your eyes and you picture yourself with a loving partner, holding each other on the sofa, watching an old movie, sharing a kiss or two and hoping for more and picturing a night of kind, romantic, passionate, respectful, gentle love making -- do you picture the other person to be a woman or a man?

A woman, definately

However, i'm open minded enough to know that what is between someone's legs does not stop you from falling in love with them. I have obsessed for months about whether or not i could develop romantic feelings for men, and i probably could, i just don't believe that anything i have to 'develop' is really who i am

As I look back at my life and why I played straight, is because that is what was expected of me. I have 7 siblings. How could I be the only one who was gay? How could I have feelings for men when I was being convinced that I had to have a wife and a family?

Then I finally told myself, "I Have To Be True To Myself". The day I CAME OUT was the day I finally knew who I was. It was and continues to be such an "awesome" feeling. I wanted to shout it from the Mountain Tops. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am ME and that is all that counts. I have met and am in a loving relationship with my partner. I can only wish the same for you.

When you find "Mr Right" it will be for who he is as a total person The sex is just one part of a relationship.

As I look back at my life and why I played straight, is because that is what was expected of me. I have 7 siblings. How could I be the only one who was gay? How could I have feelings for men when I was being convinced that I had to have a wife and a family?

Then I finally told myself, "I Have To Be True To Myself". The day I CAME OUT was the day I finally knew who I was. It was and continues to be such an "awesome" feeling. I wanted to shout it from the Mountain Tops. I am not ashamed of who I am. I am ME and that is all that counts. I have met and am in a loving relationship with my partner. I can only wish the same for you.

When you find "Mr Right" it will be for who he is as a total person The sex is just one part of a relationship.

In answer to your question. I would say again "Be True To Yourself".

Ken

Even that saying "be true to yourself" is very troublesome for me

Being true to my base sexual needs would be to live homosexuallyBeing true to my spiritual and emotional self would be to live heterosexually, i think

I'm 23 years old and have never had any romantic desire for men, and have never had a crush on a man, therefore i don't see a gay lifestyle as being true to myself. But then again i know that naked male images arouse me more than naked female images. Such confusion

A few gay men have told me that i simply haven't found Mr Right and when i do, i'll realise i was never actually interested in women. I find this pretty patronising but i understand their point. I also HAVE found Miss Right, and i know no man could make me happier than she does. Maybe similarly happy, but i doubt it

If only i knew how to stop myself from obsessing. I mean, to all extents and purposes, i am more aware of my sexuality than most people. And yet i still feel so confused about it

I am almost certain (also) that my abuse drove me to watch gay porn, and everything that followed...I sort of asked myself the question of myself physically. I feel now, that it was really just an extention of my abuse. Physically satisfying,but my heart wasn't in it.(with this particular person,at any rate)

I really didn't know for sure how I felt until I did some SOUL SEARCHING while reading, "Victims no Longer",By Mike Lew.

I now identify straight but twisted, and that is MY TRUTH, that I am more sexually attracted to women. But what is Your TRUTH? (and I realize this answer doesn't happen overnight).

I also happen to be in a relationship where my girl UNDERSTANDS me. My REAL TRUTH is if I met the RIGHT transexual and connected on the right emotional level,(before this relationship)...I could be telling a totally different story right now, and then there are also amazon type women...which would work for me.

(Hope I'm not being to forward at this point:apologizing upfront) But maybe, you should ask yourself, if you are turned on by certain body types?...Or maybe, the question is what type of personality are you looking for? Perhaps this might lead you in the right direction.

Please be patient and true to your inner self. You owe it to yourself to find the RIGHT person. Life is to short,to live a lie with the wrong person.(I was married to the WRONG person and WASTED 15 years of my life,trying to make this relationship work).

Please try to find peace, until the heart rules the mind...

The Real ME (WASP)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

I believe i'm only romantically interested in women because i'm only interested in relationships with me as the masculine figure. It affirms me in my masculinity and makes me happy. I have obviously thought about whether or not this would also be the case if i dated a feminine gay guy, but the idea is just not appealling. I am not interested in men who act like women. I would rather have a woman who acted like a woman.And as for a tranny, that would be too weird, although i do find the 'chick with a dick' idea quite hot in fantasy

It seems we can have both with the same person..but its not so aweful to feel sexual attraction to another person...we are sexual beings...the real thing is to try to feel love and romance with someone who is sexuallly attracted to you...ot viceversa...that should be the most rewarding experience...many of us are working to get to that point our abuse is not allowong us to get there yet but if we heal we wil get there

I haven't read all of the posts, so please forgive me if I repeat something.

From what I'm hearing you say your sexual attraction is to men, but you find it easier to be more romantically inclined toward women. Have you tried being in a romantic relationship with a man? It might simply be that you have not found the right kind of man that meets your needs sexually and romantically. I don't entirely agree with the viewpoints to start dating a transsexual. If it's the male and masculine features that you find sexually attractive (as I do) then you may not want the other features of a woman.

As many have indicated... it's really... be true to you. What do you want? What do you need? What are your core values? Answer those questions and the person you are searching for will appear. But part of that may be that you must broaden your own mentality/perspectives. Perhaps the playing field is too narrow.

I haven't read all of the posts, so please forgive me if I repeat something.

From what I'm hearing you say your sexual attraction is to men, but you find it easier to be more romantically inclined toward women. Have you tried being in a romantic relationship with a man? It might simply be that you have not found the right kind of man that meets your needs sexually and romantically. I don't entirely agree with the viewpoints to start dating a transsexual. If it's the male and masculine features that you find sexually attractive (as I do) then you may not want the other features of a woman.

As many have indicated... it's really... be true to you. What do you want? What do you need? What are your core values? Answer those questions and the person you are searching for will appear. But part of that may be that you must broaden your own mentality/perspectives. Perhaps the playing field is too narrow.

Allen

I've never been in a relationship with a man. Up until 9 months ago when i began obsessing about my sexuality, i had never had a romantic thought about another guy in my entire life. Now i constantly test myself by imaging gay romantic thoughts in my head (like cuddling with a guy, going to the movies with a guy, lying in bed with a guy) and seeing if they seem appealling to me or 'right' for me. But they just don't. I've toyed with the old 'internalised homophobia' idea but it's not that: i just don't believe romance with a man is right for me, and i know it certainly isn't what i want. I don't see myself as gay, therefore i don't want to be in a gay relationship simply because i figure the sex will be better. How could i justify my intense attraction to women if i was living as a gay man? Just brush it off and try and pretend it doesn't exist because i get more aroused by a male naked body than a female one? But i have a nagging thought that i'm living as a closet case and i should live homosexually because it's what most men in my situation would do. But i don't want to. I so need to talk to a therapist.

Nonchalant,Who knows whether this helps at all, but I've been married for 36 years. Never intended to marry, but the right person found me during my senior year in college. I'd been abused by a minister as a kid, and since the experience was so shameful to me, I rejected thoughts of being gay. Didn't know what I was other than defective, and I was determined not to mess up any other kids. Therefore, I wasn't getting married and I wasn't having any kids. My future wife talked me out of all that. Four years ago, I finally told her that I was attracted to men. She was shocked, and we're still working through all of it. Our relationship now is stronger than ever, partly because I've never been unfaithful. Would sex with a man be wonderful? Maybe, if I loved the man. I do have best friend who lives far away and knows the entire story. We are together (but platonic) once or twice a year for a day or two at a time, and those are the times when I feel the best. I can be honest. I can be myself. Not a single sentence needs to be edited. I love those days. The freedom and acceptance are wonderful.I hope you find your way to a life that is fulfilling for you.Peter

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