Mind Control refers to
the process of programming the behavior of an individual, creating an
individual whose behavior can be controlled by the programmers - to
act in ways the person may not want to.

CAUTION: the material in this
section may be very triggering to survivors, as well as distressing
to some readers. Please take care - ensure you are in a safe place
and state of mind - and not about to have a meal.

Mind Control - family:

Apr 2000 - "Yesterday, what feels like
at least a couple of days ago, my friend told me about a dream she
had where she saw a mother corner her daughter and grab her hands and
while staring intensely into her eyes, the mother, with her
fingertips, rubbed her daughters fingernails.

As soon as she told me about his, I knew it. I
just knew so well this technique of post-hypnotic "suggestion". I
just cringe so bad when I think about my mother doing this to me. It
sends the most awful trapped squeezed feeling all through my body and
mind. I feel like my mind is being clamped, squeezed, restricted,
controlled, taken over. It is like being tied to a chair, not that I
can recall, but thats the image that comes into my mind as associated
with the feeling I get from thinking about my mother-figure doing
this to me. I was upset and anxious all day. My friend told me just
before I left to go to my therapist appointment, and I was also upset
in the appointment and talked about this. My therapist noticed really
easily that I was upset. It was like I was shaking on the inside most
of the day. I felt like I was out of it."

Mind Control - professional:

The purpose of the mind control was to develop the
split in my consciousness that I created in response to the trauma of
rape and torture. The mind control was carried out both by my family
and also by professionally trained persons.

I have only a few memories of mind control, but
they are very informative. They are consistent with, and explain, my
mistrust of and aversion to medical professionals. They also explain
many events in my life where I have been shocked at my actions or
behavior after the fact. Sometimes I do things that I would never
normally even consider. This happened the last time I am aware of
when I was living in [], in 1998. From what happened, I
realized that my mother-figure was involved in sabotaging my
situation, and it was shortly after this that I decided to completely
cut of contact with my entire family. I had already confronted my
father-figure with raping me and cut off contact with my
sister-figure.

Here is 3 emails I wrote at different times that
gives a bit of an idea how my awareness of these programmed alters
has developed over time.

Date: 1999 Sep

"Recently I have learned a great deal about my
alters.

I never lost time with my alters, and until
recently I didn't actually know I had any, but I still had managed to
forget most of my life, so logically, I knew they must be there. When
I found them, I realized how cleverly I had been programmed. A
difficulty I had with uncovering them, is that most of them could do
most things OK. I realize I would switch between them frequently, but
this usually had only a minor effect on the task I was doing at the
time. Another difficulty I had with seeing the switches was that I
have ADD, and for the whole of my life, my attention has been
resetting, beyond my control, every 10 minutes. Crying has changed
this. I now suspect that the ADD is part of my programming.

When I found my alters, I could only at first
identify them as moods. My alters each had a different emotion and
mood. Yet I noticed that some of my behaviors associated with these
moods differed markedly. In some states of mind I got into, I became
very competent and able and organized, and in others I became totally
helpless. In yet others, I was able to do certain things and not
others.

These different alters very clearly had different
personalities. I realized for sure that I had alters when I
understood that it takes programming to block competency. (logic - If
I am competent sometimes, then I should be competent all the time
unless something is preventing it.) Since looking at the pattern to
the different alters, and different behaviors they do and do not do
(such as whether they write, paranoia, aggression, sociability) I
have begun to realize that these are programmed identities.

I have begun to prepare a table, listing the
different alters and the different characteristics, and marking off
whether or not each alter has this characteristic. From the
characteristics of each alter, I am slowly building a document of
each personality. I look at these and the characteristics suggest the
roles of each alter. One I have named competent. Another I have named
assassin. As my "competent" is very unemotional, I am beginning to
suspect that it is similar to the character [...] described as
her programmed core.

I am not at the stage where I have an awareness of
the identity of my core, even if I have a core. I just don't
know.

I'm not sure how weird this makes me seem, but I
actually find the constructs of my alters very interesting. I feel
like a detective of sorts. I am finding that I have a lot more
curiosity than anger."

Here is parts of an email that I wrote about an
understanding I have of my 'system' - that it is 'modular'.

Date: Feb 2000

"I seem to feel that my alters can be arranged
into functional groups. "fire personality" and 'investigator' and
'science nerd' and "MacGuyver" (fix-anything), all seem to be part of
my "assassin" group.

My [curiosity] was in fact milked by the
programmers. To make me able to investigate ways of doing harm. Yet
they could only take advantage of it. It seems to be directable, but
irrepressible. My healing is resulting with my getting it back for my
use, not the programmers use.

'Iris', and my 'relationship' alters seem to fit
into my "prostitute" group. Yet this group also includes a very young
me that was angry. Just a different popular character that was a
selling point in my prostitution. Some clients liked raping angry
children.

I had a 'bank', or 'selection' of alters for
prostituting. The client would indicate their preference in advance,
and I would be keyworded into the selection of choice. The selection
included all sorts of behaviors and moods. Although I have not read
so, my impression is that there is nothing particularly unusual about
my programming. I haven't read otherwise, either.

I wouldn't describe the control [of my destructive
alters] that was going on as cooperation.

Much more of a host dictatorship. I simply forced
myself to not enact suggestions from my programmed alters. I had no
idea where these suggestions were coming from, but I really didn't
want them to be the initiator of actions. My conscious mind host saw
these suggestions as obvious self harm.

I recall the many years of constantly forcing down
these "unwelcome optional extras" in my mind. My life was constant
struggle - as the evil programmers intended. That way, I would just
simmer below the surface, and could easily be set off when required.
My mind was being kept at just below boiling point, where I would be
unstable and easily triggered into an explosive state. My healing has
the overall result of lowering the temperature of my mind, and
increasing my distance from the explosive state. Consequently it is
much more difficult to trigger me into the programmed explosive
state.

Sometimes I need to let off steam, but i try to
keep it controlled. like blowing the whistle instead of letting the
boiler blow.

The heat is applied by programmed instructions. I
just have to feed it with lots of energy-laden sugar.
interesting.

I feel quite good now, after working that
out."

Here is another email that describes my female
alters and how they fit in.

Date: Feb 2000

"my female identities are sympathetic with [other
females], but this even helps them to understand that they really do
not understand, that they are fakes, artificial. they know and they
dont know. thinking about this helps them to know they are not what
they think they are -they are what they are programmed to believe.
they are sad, but happy. something is taken away, more is given - the
truth - truth is more than anything else. they know our body is male,
but they ignore this, until they are forced to accept it. they are
not all that discouraged by my male appearance in the mirror - they
ignore that it is our body. it is not us, it is a reflection, and
thus not really what we look like. When they look at our body, they
just ignore certain features. host still wonders how they manage it -
it is certainly a feat!

i understand now that the emotions i feel are of
the whole. they vary with the alter that is in the drivers seat, and
can change very quickly. but they are of the one. parts of me have
been isolated by force, yet my emotions can only be manipulated,
steered, but not split. they are a whole-brain, whole-mind,
whole-body phenomenon that can be manipulated by parts, but not
itself parted. Not for me anyway.

i understand now why emotional release is such an
essential part of the process of rebuilding the whole. emotions are
never unwhole. it just seems that way to me because i can only be one
alter at a time. it's like being able to see one small part of one
big thing, and each part seems to look different, but when the view
becomes larger, i see that it is the one object. emotions are the
bridges that span the programmed chasms of my mind."

When I talk about one alter being in control at a
time, I mean that I (my body) only follows the orders of one alter at
a time. This does not mean that there is only one alter present at a
time. How to tell how many alters are present? I haven't worked this
out yet, how my alters interact. I hear the many different
suggestions, but I can't identify where they come from. I always used
to think that they were all just mine, never mind how much they
contradicted each other sometimes, and made me extremely
anxious.