It must be awesome to be a rock because you just live there, nude, you don’t sleep and you’re just enjoying the view. You’re in your own bed of geodude-looking rocks and you don’t get to eat, right? So you wanna cry, right? But you can’t fuck either ’cause you’re a fucking rock. Still, we feel no pain. That why rocks rock. Case closed.

Captains log. I am staring at the absolute abyss. There is absolutely nothing I can do in front of the terror that is life. Every single day I try to cope with the fact that most of the people that I see around me or absolute morons. I salute my stereotypical stupid trendy preppy artificial hypocritical racist selfish dishonorable douchebag muggles. But the moment that a slice of pizza touches the tip of my tongue, I forget all about it for one fleeting moment of tantalizing ooh la laa.

I’m here to shove my big, fat opinions right in your face! This is a parody of a news show. Stand-up comedy while sitting without pants. This is NOT for children. Watch and be offended. Please yell at each other in the comments!

When I was younger, I got licked right in the face by a cow. It felt like boiling tar was stuck to rugged sandpaper. I felt like my face was somehow poisoned. It felt so wrong that I didn’t give a fuck that he liked me anymore. I ate steak that night.

The first thing my friend did when he realized that he can design his own spaceship in a video game, the first idea that came into his mind was to build a giant flaming ballsack with “SEX” written in big, blocky letters. That’s the kind of world we live in, folks! Sometimes it’s not so bad!