Monday, April 16, 2012

I don’t know what has got into me but suddenly I felt this itch. That itch that makes me want to write. I don’t really know what to write I am swimming in a lot of emotions right now. Maybe it is because of that book. I read this book about falling in love. Yeah I know very original right? But what really made it different is that the ending wasn’t so happy at all. If anything it was dead on very sad! The girl Livia in the story was cured of Leukemia and she went on this trip to visit her brother Jeff then suddenly she meets this guy Adam that made her feel different about herself, made her fall in love in a strong and different way. The kind of love that takes you to the heavens. The head over heels kind of love. But then life played a very cruel joke to the two of them Livia died leaving Adam behind. And that is where it hit me, how one thing that seems so beautiful can be ruined by one single event.

I cried so hard reading that book. I was devastated. I was hoping for a happily ever after. I am a sucker for happily ever afters. Maybe because I was always having this thought that in books I can always escape the sad reality of life that it is not always happy. That life can be very unfair.

Maybe what prompted me to write is that I can identify myself with her. I am not sick I don’t have leukemia. But I am sickly though. If you ask me how many times have I been admitted to the hospital I would say more than you can count. All my life I am always careful, I am seen as the fragile one, I am always handled like I am some kind of a glass; breakable and those people around me the are also very careful. I guess you can say that I am sheltered. I see how my health bring down even the strongest among us. I see how my mother tries to put a smile on her face just to stop me from crying. I see how my brother sacrifices his family time just to be with me in the hospital. I see how my sister sleeps in the hospital just so I have someone there to look after me. I can see how my other sister calls all my doctors just to make sure I am okay because she is overseas and she wants to make sure that the doctors looking after me are the best. I can see how my dad tries to be nonchalant about the events just so I get the impression that what I have is nothing serious. You think I like all these attention? No. You think I like seeing family get all wired up because of me? No. I want to be normal. I want to be treated like other people. I want to have fun, be careless, fall in love and travel. I don’t like people looking at me and think that I am somebody who is defenseless. Because I am not.

Then it hits me how one story could make someone see her life in a different angle. How one story can mirror another person’s life. How it can rattle the brain with different thoughts. And right now that story made me long for that same kind of love that Adam has for Livia. The kind that never falters that even through death it fights to exist. I see love like that and I feel ashamed because these people they see love and they go for it not thinking of what might be next or where this might lead. And I wish I could be like that. Be courageous to take the leap, and see where life might take me. But I am not like that. I am not good with moments I always think of what happens next. And maybe that is my issue.

By the way, an update to my last issue I have not told that person yet that i don’t want to go out with him. Furthermore, I made an ultimatum with myself that I should go out with him before August. Keep your fingers cross and hope I do what is best.