Monday 20 October, 2003

Karaj, Shona and I sat together at the start of the day. When Karaj mentioned the fact that Simran (and others) missed an opportunity to sort something out for Priya yesterday, Shona resurrected her jealousy regarding Priya. The ensuing discussion was a long and heated one. I felt some despair at being involved, but mainly it brought up the feelings I have had recently about Karaj and this place. I heard Shona saying precisely the things I have had running through my head over the last weeks, and I wondered why it is that those closest to him reach the same conclusions.

I intervened a couple of times and eventually Karaj calmed down, and together they reached the usual peaceful conclusion of learning points and a hug. It was all about Shona learning to receive, learning to appreciate the people here and using them for her own benefit. Giving and receiving. All stuff I need to see.

Karaj and I discussed our relationship with each other. It is all about love. Neither of us really knows why we are together here, now. The best way is to be straight and ask straight questions. Even if Karaj challenges me about my questions, it doesn’t matter because he will always give me a full answer eventually. Whenever he has a question, he simply asks it. He is not concerned with what others might think; he just knows that his question will be answered, and that’s all that matters. He finished by telling me I have to use my to-do list to move my life and the office forward. He told me I need to take responsibility for the consequences of my decisions, and that I have his full support all the way.

Summary: It was an enjoyable day, although I felt restless for most of it after Karaj and Shona argued. Shona raised the same points I have about Karaj, and it brought back all the feelings of wanting to get away. Those feelings are not going to disappear that easily just because I had one good weekend. The struggle is ongoing.