THIS spring, inside-out T-shirts are going the way of metrosexuals and Louis Vuitton Murakami bags. In this year: real men dressed in preppy clothes, vacationing in Mexico City and text-messaging their mistresses on the cell phone instead of the Blackberry. Whether it’s the best new designers, the most exclusive sunglasses or simply a happening new place, we’ve pounded the pavement and burned up the phone lines to bring you all you need to know to be a snob this spring. Oh, and don’t get caught with a Jelly Kelly bag, either. They really weren’t all that, were they?

RETRO-HETERO Now that we finally have Cargo magazine, no one wants to be a metrosexual anymore. Especially if it involves the new “back, sack and crack” wax. Ouch. Salute the return of classic men’s style – think Pierce Brosnan in the upcoming “Laws of Attraction” and buy anything by Perry Ellis.

POST-POST Etiquette gets a boost this month with the release of designer Kate Spade’s elegant triptych of books, “Style, Manners and Occasions.” Gentlemen should check out Peter (Emily’s son) Post’s tome, “Essential Manners for Modern Men.”

GETTING PREPPY WITH IT Enough with the dirtbag look already: Men’s fashion is getting bright and smart for the summer. The reborn Original Penguin brand is leading the way, as are Lacoste polo shirts, or, for a more budget option, J. Crew. Says Esquire’s fashion director Nick Sullivan: “Marc Jacobs for Louis Vuitton is the height of preppy chic this summer. Go for smart casual accessories, and get yourself a really good pair of deck shoes.”

’80s SUMMER MUSIC What do Madonna, Prince and Morrissey all have in common – apart from not having had a hit for as long as anyone can remember? They’re the nostalgia tickets for the summer. Madonna and Prince will both be rocking out at Madison Square Garden (June 16-24 and July 12-14, respectively) while the famed British miserablist plays the Apollo Theater May 3-8.

GET BACK ON TOP On top of the building, that is. Rooftop bars are one trend that will never again go out of fashion in post-smoke ban New York. Sixty Thompson’s A60 still sets the standard for open-air partying, but the rooftops at the Peninsula (700 Fifth Ave.), the Gramercy Park Hotel (2 Lexington Ave.) and the Majestic (210 West 55th St.) all offer breathtaking views of the city.

COFFEE AND CIGARETTES In celebration of our favorite stimulants, director Jim Jarmusch has persuaded the likes of Meg and Jack White, Iggy Pop, Cate Blanchett and Bill Murray to discuss the combo in his upcoming film, “Coffee and Cigarettes.” – Just don’t tell the mayor.

FUTURE’S SO BRIGHT. . . You’d better wear shades, but not just any old 10-buck vendor lenses. Eyewear snobs are anxiously awaiting the arrival of a new line from Moss Lipow, a celebrated collector of spectacles. Made of leather and other unusual materials, the $350-and-up frames will be debuting in Barneys next month. As for the vendors, colored lenses are expected to be all the rage.

THE JOY OF TEXT For evidence of just how pervasive the trend of communicating via text messages tapped out on cell phones, look no further than British soccer idol David Beckham, who was caught having an affair by the News of the World – thanks to steamy text messages his former lover allegedly sold to the U.K. newspaper. Now Americans are getting the texting bug too, thanks in part to “American Idol” votes by text. Also ideal for silent communication when you’re supposed to be doing other things: as in, attending board meetings or catching bad Broadway shows. Just remember to hit delete.

HOT SIESTA It’s all about Mexico City right now. Opening next month is the fabulous, design-heavy Hotel Condesa right in the heart of the Federal District, a luxurious hideyhole with a restaurant overseen by Johnathan Morr of NYC’s Bond Street. Expect telenovela stars duking it out for tables with stylish New Yorkers. Sister to to the city’s Hotel Habita, the arrival of the Condesa confirms the rebirth of Mexico City – despite the ongoing headache of violent crime – as a bona fide destination after the successful launch of the hip new W Hotel there earlier this year.

NOLITA BOUTIQUE If you want to dress with the adventurous panache of Sarah Jessica Parker, the svelte style of Lauren Bush, or the hip chic of Eva Amurri, head to designer Rebecca Taylor’s new rhinestone-encrusted boutique at 260 Mott St. in NoLIta, due to open later this month. Guys, don’t feel left out: Seize Sur Vignt and new Brit boy on the block Duncan Quinn do some of the best shirts in town.

NEW POWER COUPLES Now that Bill-killing Uma Thurman and hotelier Andre Balazs are practically old marrieds, gossips are buzzing about Kate Moss and hunky English actor Daniel Craig, socialite Rena Sindi and art dealer Tico Mugrabe, and new divorcee Alexandra von Furstenberg with Tim Jeffries, British man about town, gallery owner and former beau of Elizabeth Hurley.

THE HOT SPOTS

Best new subterranean hangout: Table 50, Bleecker Street non-dive bar with mirrored tables and customers so far including Zac Posen, Rosario Dawson and Candace Bushnell, while Minnie Driver was spotted having lunch at the new venue upstairs, Corner Shop.

Best new live venue: BLVD, a cavernous new space on the Bowery has featured acts such as Usher and Ludacris, while Samantha Ronson hosts a socialite-heavy karaoke party there every Monday. Next Thursday: hip-hop sensations du jour Neptunes and N.E.R.D. present the Clips, the latest signing to their Star Trak label.

The new Da Silvano: St. Ambroeus, reincarnated downtown (at West Fourth and Perry streets) in November after 20 years on Madison, has become the under-the-radar, chic hangout for the media set. Expect to see Graydon, Anna, SJP and even the luscious Helena Christensen here. Oh, and the risotto is well worth the wait.

Chicest new Italian: Bar.vetro on East 58th Street from father-and-son team Angelo and Frank Vivolo (of Cucina Vivolo uptown on East 74th Street). The chief attraction is the subtly lit frosted glass bar and a smoker-friendly patio.