A Tale of Four Men

October 25, 2011

Blame the bastards at Hewlett Packard for my delays in posting! Yes, my laptop is truly on its last leg and I haven’t been able to access the Internet in almost two weeks. Of course there’s the back-up plan using the Blackberry tool but it’s just easier in front of a real computer to spew out these different thoughts going through my head.

I hope you’re ready to read and are NOT reading from a cell phone; otherwise a carpal-tunnel like sensation will develop from scrolling.

Let’s go!

Currently, there are four men I’ve been in contact with. Any real contenders for anything? I’m not sure but from the sign of things, probably not. So sit back and get ready to hear A Tale of Four Men.

The Tale of Rescue 911

It’s has now been 10 days now since I informed Rescue that his services were no longer needed and although I have been refusing to take any of his calls and have only been responding sporadically with some flippant text or reply to one of his, I do miss him. I’m human. I accept that and realize if I was able to go on about my business as if he was nothing but a casual fling, useless toy with a nice appendage or just something to do, I really wasn’t into the relationship or him as much as I claim to have been. Any regrets? I don’t think my ego will admit to any real actions but perhaps I should have waited and shopped around a bit for a lower price to change the door locks?

Texting a break-up message? Tasteless, I know. I blame the advent of technology and our reliance on it because many of us are guilty of doing a little too much in our dating situations and relationships by telephone. What happens next? I don’t know which is quite disturbing to me because I’m normally so level headed, hard nosed and able to make definitive (though hasty) decisions about most things in life. Time will tell, but for now, whether Rescue knows/accepts it, I am considering myself a single woman.

The Tale of Good on Paper

For those of you who are familiar with this hangover – go ahead, gasp and ask “What the hell??!!!!!”. Those of you wondering how “GOP” became one of those infamous bandits on a page of this blog, you can read about him here and here . My brain is a little foggy right now, so I can’t really recall when, but at some point as Rescue and I started our decent from “hooray” to “ugh”, GOP just poof – started contacting me out of the blue. In fact, I would even go so far as to say the day of a bad argument, he either sent me a text or an e-mail.

Nothing obtrusive, but he was definitely putting the feelers out there. Shortly thereafter, we spoke on the telephone (go ahead and gasp again, an ACTUAL phone call baby!) playing the “how have you been” game. You know how it goes: Each person talks about things going well with work, family and life and then the question about whether either of you are involved with someone etc… I readily told GOP that I was in a relationship but told what my child says is just a little lie. When asked if it was anything serious, I told him no, not really adding that the person I was involved in had some issues to work out on his own. It was the truth, right?

Fast forward beyond that conversation, GOP asked about meeting up for coffee to catch up and just hang out and I agreed that was fine to meet up as friends. I ducked and dodged, had different commitments and made no time to make a meet up happen and soon after, started ignoring any other texts and e-mail messages.

But of course, he never really went away and instead acts more like a bad virus of something, lying dormant until ready to attack.

A week before I left for my vacation and had given Rescue the pre-warning of his demise by telling him the relationship wasn’t working, GOP arose from his dormant state and engaged in discussion once again only this time, I told him things were over. I even went so far to say that I no longer wanted to meet men with hopes of being in a relationship, nor was I looking for any random flings. I just wanted to be friends because it seems much easier and less confusing and most definitely, less work. He reminded me recently that he remembers this conversation vividly, but that he NEVER agreed to the friends part.

Where are we now? He’s counting down the days for a shower reunion.

I told him last week to give me 30 days before we even saw each other because I wanted to make sure that he was not being used as the rebound for whatever might happen when we reconnected. We already know what that means. Trust me, there was never a dull moment when GOP and I “played” and while this post only scratches the surface, I think you can get an idea on the great times had by all.

22 days left.

The Tale of Tall Glass of Wine

So much has transpired with Tall Glass in the last couple of weeks and it’s been all good. I’ll have to save the many conversations we’ve had before, during and after the Rescue drama for another post because I can see this one is going to be a long one. Long story short? I feel rejuvenated. He’s really a good guy and I even had nice things to say about him in the this post and this post about elements of a great date as well.

Tall Glass will always be known for his class and ability to just relax, let down his hair (okay, I’m exaggerating, he’s bald) and show a woman a great time. He is silly as hell, makes me laugh and has a very important quality that I think every person should have, something Rescue did NOT – he has a passion. In fact, Tall Glass is passionate about many things, especially outdoor activities like mountain biking and of course, snowboarding.

Of course, if they sound too good to be true – they normally are because “I Think I’ve got Commitment Issues” tells you why he didn’t make the cut. We were/are just looking for two different things in life which is okay, but why waste time with someone who is focused on something you are not or vice versa? So meanwhile, I’ll accept the situation for what it is and no – we’ve not gone there but I think it’s a matter of simply enjoying each others company.

I love Prince, he loves Prince. He loves the Foo Fighters, I like trying different things and accompanied him their concert and really liked it. He’s a Jay-Z nut, I’m a die-hard fan and I just might have to give him more than a hug for getting a ticket for ME for the upcoming concert. Yay!!!!!!

Last but not least…..

The Tale of The Special Agent

First of all, there are a couple of things that make Special Agent stand out and the most glaring of them all is that he is the ONLY hangover who has been invited to read. Yes, I told him about the blog and even pointed him to his very own page affectionately titled “Another One Bites The Dust”. Sometimes I wish I could direct all of the hangovers to the blog so they read about what they did to fu%k things up. Real talk.

The second is he’s quite the intellect and I have to say I was oddly aroused when he told me he was working on a book outlining the “how to” of dating from the perspective of the line of work he’s in. Pretty interesting stuff. Anyway, Special Agent and I have been texting back and forth for a couple of weeks now. Nothing too specific in any of the exchanges and more small talk then anything until about a couple of weeks ago, in fact the day after the whole “it’s over”/door locks changed debacle.

Of all people to share the details about how your relationship ended, why tell someone you possibly may have considered a strong contender when you first met? Well, I guess because I felt comfortable telling him and knew he was smart enough to be able to see the situation from the perspective of a man AND a woman. So since that conversation, the exchanges and attempts to talk via telephone have increased some what and…..

And nothing.

As I started at the beginning of this book (I swear, I’m stopping after this), I can’t really say that that any of these exchanges with the hangovers means anything or is going anywhere. What I can truly appreciate about Special Agent is his honesty (sometimes brutal) about things, so I was equally honest when he asked if he was completely out of the loop so far as any possible/future consideration and said no. I did, however, remind him that his actions are exactly like Rescue’s and while I certainly can’t compare apples to oranges, he did the same thing. Whatever the reasoning may be, Special Agent decided that avoidance, vagueness and going radio silent was how HE handled me instead of simply saying he was busy, frustrated or not interested.

Most importantly is something he told me on Sunday; he said “regardless of what your friends say or any people who comment on the blog, only you can make the decision based on what you feel is the best thing to do. Then you’ll be satisfied with the choice you made without having to question it”. I could have hugged him for that because sometimes we get so caught up in trying to solicit feedback and opinions on very important matters. I love that he understood that and without considering that could either push me further from Rescue or inch me BACK in his direction, it was something I needed to hear.

Still, a glaring asterisk remains on his bio.

Only time will tell what happens with him or any of these other three OR any of the others I didn’t have time to mention here.

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences!
I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land.
This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....".
If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy!
Carmen

Jessie

Excerpt from an ebook? Yes, you must get that computer going so you can post more often. Fingers hurt from this stupid trackball.

That was a lot- you feeling overwhelmed yet?

The Rescue situation? Sounds like another case of I-messed-up-and-can’t-let-go. Don’t know what else to say but just take your time. You say things are over but I don’t think they are. But ask yourself, is he worth it?

The other hangovers? Why are they all resurfacing at once and fore goodness sake, there are others??

Jessie

How I Snapped? Oh goodness no! LOL Please, make sure no one can ever take you there.

This is an interesting situation and like Sociallyte said, they all kind of seem like they’re good on paper. Just goes to show you can never really know a person, only what they choose to reveal to you until you find out otherwise.

Agent guy is right; you and only you can decide how this ordeal plays out.

Yes, AJ- go back and read up to get the feel for them. If you’re a woman, you’ll probably sigh and realize you’ve dating one of these types. If you’re a man, you might think to yourself these descriptions sound like you. 🙂

1_Silver Fox

GOP sounds like trouble though I can understand if you need to call him to scratch that itch. It just doesn’t sound like you’re at that point yet and he- well his history speaks of him. Can’t hate the guy for being up front about he wants.

Jessie

Silver Fox, you must be a fan of the 80s or something. Loose Ends??? I agree with you, gop does sound like trouble but kind of in the right way. I think everyone should have a fun/meaningless fling buddy in their life if they’re single.

SocialLyte

Wow! As Esme stated I’m definitely interested in the development of you and the Special Agent. He seemed to have made quite an impression on you for such a brief encounter. His timing of contact which was right after your most recent post concerning Rescue is very intriguing.

All of these gentlemen seem to have pros and cons. It is a matter of which of these gentlemen truly hold or can gain and keep your heart.

I definitely don’t even you. Tough choices indeed.

Although, from my observation Rescue is the frontrunner, if he can just get his act together. You haven’t let go of him yet.

Welcome to My Dating Hangovers Social Lyte! Welcome to the tough decisions needed in addition to everything else in life!

Any response is still a response? You’re absolutely right which is why I tried the do not contact approach for the first couple of days with a success rate of about 45%.

It’s in my nature to talk back, been doing it since I was about 7 years-old. Just have to be acknowledged and heard.

Hell yes, these men have their pro’s and con’s and does Rescue’s history of being the ONLY ex to get a second chance give him an advantage? Probably.

They all stack up with the plus factor:

– all but one educated, two with masters
– all but one on the same level regarding religion, that one is borderline atheist
– all but one are good fathers, that one has no children
– all are physically attractive, two make me wet my undies a little too easily
– all but two are where they want to be in their careers

Damn.. As I wrote that I realized I need to work on a project that is overdue. Taking a look at the types of men I’ve been with and their strengths is a must.

Lol! Yes they all seem good on paper, Social. That is until you remove that carbon copy paper beneath it and see it was just a traced over template!

Ah…. Love the questions.

I know there’s a lot to muddle through on here, but when you have time for some (more) reading, check out my post from last December titled “Choosing a Life Partner”. I’m responding via cell so I hope this link shows up: http://mydatinghangovers.com/?p=195

To answer your question- no. All of them have not shown that they are potential (life) partner material and why I’ve continued to deal with some of the men who clearly don’t show what want? I’m still struggling as well though over the years, I have made some great progress.

It’s a little difficult to explain, but they “present” the image in some ways.

The post I mentioned lists 5 things to consider about a potential partner, so I’d say Rescue meets about __ of them.

#1 – Rescue and I share a common purpose. Aside from him having unfinished business (separated), we both want(ed) life partnership with each other. We talked about it, want(ed) no other dating and relationship experiences saying spending our lives together, raising our children and traveling abroad is what we desired. Check mark plus.

#2 – I am okay with communicating and sharing my feelings with Rescue but damn- the whole reason for the last 5 posts is because my relationship with him ended due to HIS inability to communicate. Rescue didn’t like to feel as if he was being questioned. No need to elaborate on that. One-sided communication is a lose-lose situation. Minus for him.

#3- Rescue is a mensch, meaning he is someone working on personal growth. So it seems. This one is difficult, because the lines are a little blurry to determine if he’s doing all that he’s doing (trying to obtain different certifications, pressing on with his event planning business and other hustles) to get back on his feet or to seal his future. I do know that I love that his mind is always clicking, thinking how to make the most of any opportunity. He will take an idea and run with it, possibly creating something that WIlL lead to a more secure future. Thus making him attractive to a potential mate of being a good provider. Check mark plus.

#4 – He treats people well. Rescue is a good-natured, compassionate man. Very respectful and has never said or done anything to me that would have me questioning me value or worth. While I think his relationships with family members should be stronger with more regular contact, I can’t judge because I’ve been pretty detached from my own family for years. Still, he is not a mean-spirited person and to me, has a warm soul. Check mark plus

And finally..

#5 Is there anything about Rescue I’m hoping to change after we’re married? Hell no. ANY person is a fool, destined for heartache and misery if they think that pulling out a change request after marrying will work. That’s the point of dating a potential partner – observing and noting concerns. Deal breakers vs annoyances vs needing minor tweaks. Should Rescue and I (by some miracle) be able to overcome this storm, addressing all of the deal breakers will be done immediately.

As I quote the article, “if you cannot accept someone the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them”.

Now ask yourself Social – can you answer yes to the questions above about any former or current life partner contenders? 🙂

Us: Very compatible – mentally, physically, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually. I could completely be myself with him in every way. When we were together I enjoyed being just with him no need for activities all the time. Always in a good place. We both wanted marriage and talked about it regularly.

Issue: Communication breakdown as to how to bring things together towards the end of the relationship. We both have careers which are demanding. I was willing to compromise and he was well just plain selfish. Not good for a marriage – since that plays a big part in it.

So, for the last month no contact until recently which has been all fluff by him. For me unless he contacts me to discuss a plan for us to work things out and build together for a future then I do not want to talk with him via e-mail, text or phone. It is pointless and emotionally draining.

I haven’t started dating others yet. He better pray that I have enough love and patience to wait a little longer. But I’m getting out with friends and enjoying friendly male company. Got to feel good about yourself.

This is definitely therapeutic. I’m new to this.

Thanks for letting me vent. I know this is your blog. 🙂

I so want to see how this ends for you. Hope for the best and your heart’s desire.

SocialLyte, venting is definitely therapeutic and to do so on a blog where you can remain anonymous is the bonus! Vent away. The reason I started this blog is because I was trying to induce some type of learn-by-example therapy and by reading other writers I subscribe to, articles I stumble on and just random conversations, I have learned a a lot. A lot of what to listen to and WHAT and WHO not to listen too.

I’m sorry to hear that just like me, you’ve recently broken things off with the man you went so far as to describe as a husband-for-life-to-be. At the same time, I applaud you for having the strength be able to recognize that in spite of all of his wonderful qualities and that bond you shared based on your compatibilities in some of THE most important areas, you realized he may not have been the man for you. Furthermore, you mentioned the two of you talked about marriage regularly which is a blessing in itself because this man was able to talk to you about something most men (even those already engaged) simply will not or are unable to do.

I swear, I’m wondering if we were involved with the same man. Close relative? Distant cousin? Good friend? LOL

All jokes aside. Those three things you listed are nearly identical reasons for the demise of my situation and like you, I’ve been receiving the fluff from Rescue and as of yesterday told him that until I saw ACTION behind those words, that’s all they were – just words.

I noticed you said you’d been hanging out with the girls and just getting out there any enjoying yourself but that you hadn’t started dating others yet. I agree that’s a good hand to play because within the first three days or so after my break-up, I thought about getting back out there in search of the next instead of wallowing in my sadness over a failed relationship. Then I realized that would probably lead to me just meeting the NEXT ex-boyfriend.

I don’t know you from Adam (never understood the sense in that saying), but you sound very similar to me in how you are handling this situation. Sitting back and observing actions and behaviors, evaluating feelings and thoughts that pop into your head weather good or bad. I mean really just allowing ourselves time to rethink the relationship is the only way we can truly decide if we’re done with these men OR if there is something that can possibly be salvaged.

You didn’t mention how long you two were together. Curious about that.

As you can see – I could take this discussion on and on and on. It’s real. It’s life. We fall in love. We meet men who have the qualities we’ve dreamed of and at the same time, meet and waste time on men who have all of the WRONG qualities and hopefully we figure out the latter and run, run, run. Love is kind, fulfilling, rewarding but at the same time, is a cold mother_________.

Feel free to comment as often as you like and for anything you’d like to take off-line, not to be shared here but as a disappointed woman to another, feel free to e-mail me. =)

Have a fantabulous day!

Carmen ~

Jessie

Nice “plus factor” breakdown. I’ve been saying for eons that I would do a comparison sheet of the ex’s but each time I think about doing it, I’m distracted by the current Mr. Right. Guess I figure if I’m with the right one there’s no need to go back and take a look at the Mr. Wrongs.

How I find the time? Believe it or not, these men aren’t consuming that much of my time. Mind space yes, but not time.

GOP? He’s patiently waiting on his laurels for this supposed countdown. Yes, when I proposed we wait 30 days, I was opening the gates for the gargoyle to come right on in but now? I’m not sure what (if anything) I’ll do with him.

Yes – I’m very sincere in my desires to settle down and hang up the dating shoes.
See, GOP has been in the picture off and on since 2007. After Rescue and Mr. Jekyll (another crazy ex) and was fired BEFORE Rescue was revived earlier this year.

That tells you two things:

1. I have a weakness for certain come back Charlies and
2. GOP has obviously fuc#ked up a time or two before.

Waste of time? Not exactly. I think each experience with a hangover is valuable and is preparation. I look at these men as being the Prototypes, albeit many need some type of reprogramming and need to be scrapped altogether, but I’ve learned from each and every one.

Kendall

The first thing I was going to ask you’ve already answered – the types of men. Damn.

How does the one dude mess up once, get back and do it again? Sure, I can feel him on needing to get his life back together but he has a bad way of handling things.

But I’m not here to judge because I know I’ve got a list of ways that would probably make a woman think again.

GOP sounds like he has the physical sewed up. Guess some just got it like that. The tall glass is the fun guy, cool friend, and the agent is trying to get in. Your main guy has something, his real saving grace right now, like someone else said, the heart.

Some thoughts after reading the comments…
1. If you have a communication breakdown with a guy (or girl), chances are communication has always been a problem. People communicate differently, and some people are just not compatible in that respect. You have to either figure out a way around it, or realize that it just won’t work. People break up due to those issues on a daily basis. If you keep going back and expecting a different result…well…that’s just the definition of crazy.
2. I read this the other day: if he can’t deal with you in sweats, then he doesn’t deserve you in a wedding dress. LOVE IT. I think it world on so many levels…

Different communication styles and compatibility? Major. The difference between having a different style and being unable to communicate? That’s open for interpretation. Ironic that this word is coming up because I was evaluating a training webinar that talked about different communication styles and how to cope with each.

I know the part about going back is probably more general than specific, but in my situation with Rescue, I guess it boils down to his style vs my acceptance of it. The first break-up was out of sheer frustration because he worked all of the time and likely took the fact that I loved him to mean I would do anything for him, including be okay with him playing fireman for 33 days at a time. Even when at his camp with crew, he would contact me when able – I understand the nature of your work. I just didn’t want to accept it and let him go.

This time around? He didn’t go missing in action on me or anything but his patterns changed considerably in terms of us being together physically. He still called, still sent texts but after about the 4th day or so of not having seen him, I knew something was up. I won’t rehash the story from there but the point being is that in HIS mind, he was communicating with me but just in a different way. Stupid way of handling things.

Deal with me in sweats? I wish! I don’t even own a pair of sweat pants!! =)

I should have been more specific,.because I wasn’t wanting it to be a rebuttal, but more of a food for thought. I think there are plenty if ways to work around the communication barrier, but both parties have to be willing. If a woman its the kind of woman that needs communication on a daily basis, and a dude is just not willing to compromise, then the break-up make-up cycle will just not work. AT ALL. I compare it to people who continue to go back to a cheater, thinking they will change. Uh-uh. Not happening.

I think Rescue its still in that ‘nothing can touch me’ phase we talked about. One day he will get his head out of his ass and realize wrist a good thing he messed up, all because he its stubborn.