Moonlighting s04e13 Episode Script

Here's Living With You, Kid

Captioning Made Possible By Lions Gate Home Entertainment So Come Walk The Night Come Fly By Day Something Is Sweeter 'cause We Met On The Way We'll Walk By Night We'll Fly By Day Moonlighting Strangers Who Just Met On The Way Who Just Met On The Way Who Just Met On The Way Tuesday, 0200. Am Continuing To Maintain Visual Reconnaissance Of The Subject. As Yet, No Contact With Hostile Operatives. If The Information I Am Safeguarding Should Fall Into The Wrong Hands I Wouldn't Want To Speculate As To The Consequences. Thursday, 0300 Hours. As In Past Several Nights, Status Of The Subject Remains Unchanged. [Click] Thursday, 0300 Hours, Continued. Agnes Is Probably Snoring That Cute Little Snore Of Hers Right Now. Forgive Me For Describing Thoughts Of A Personal Nature In A Field Log, But Julius Caesar Himself Often Expressed Private Concerns In His Journals. I Believe The Helvetian Campaign Included Ramblings About Baldness. I Wish I Was Lying In Bed Right Next To Agnes Right Now. Wednesday--No, Thurs Or Is It Friday? Who Knows? Who Cares? The Days All Blur Together After A While. Concentration Becomes Difficult. My Mental Acuity Is Being Slowly Eroded By The Boredom, The Isolation. Day After Tedious Day. Oh, Agnes. Agnes. Agnes. Your Name Has Become My Only Friend, My Mantra, The One Thing Standing Between Me And Total Insanity. Still No Sign Of Espionage Activity, Though Our Intelligence Indicates That Competing Agro-Business Interests Will Stop At Nothing To Obtain Stamen Samples From The Bioengineered Strain Of Citrus, paraditus Antarcticus-- Frost-Proof Grapefruit. Mr. Viola, How Is She? How Should I Know? I've Barely Seen Her In The Last 3 Weeks. [Beep] agnes: You've Been Working The Night Shift, doing Your Job. but Long Weeks Without You Make A Girl Sob. don't Worry About Me, Though. My Upper Lip's Stiff. but A Sweet Night With You, Dear, would Be Some Precious Gift. so When The Stakeout Is Over, I'll Still Be Waiting to Pick Up Again With Some Serious Dating. in The Meantime, Remember, You Hunk Of A Man, that Agnes Dipesto Is Your Biggest Fan. [Beep] My Biggest Fan. What A Woman. So Why Isn't She Here? Plenty Of Room. Ahh. Wonder If She'd Like New Wallpaper. [Ding] Excuse Me. [Telephone Ringing] Where's Agnes? In The Bathroom. All Right. Look. Can We Just Skip The Nightly Routine, Please? "You Look Like Hell. You Should Get More Sleep. It's Night Of The Living Dead." Some People Are Willing To Temporarily Sacrifice Their Good Looks In The Name Of A Special Assignment. Psst! [Whispering] M Left For The Day, Mr. Bond. Thank You, Miss Moneypenny. Any Breaks In The Case Of The Century? Nothing That I'm At Liberty To Discuss With The Laypeople. For Your Own Safety, You Understand. This Case Must Be Kept Strictly Confidential. Of Course. Kind Of One, Big, Juicy Secret. Why Did You Say "Juicy"? It's Hard To Keep A Fruit That Big A Secret. Jest If You Will, Macgillicuddy, But Some Of Us Aren't Content To Staple Ourselves To A Desk For The Rest Of Our Lives. Some Of Us Need To Be Out There, On The Edge. If You Know What's Good For You, You'll Stay Mum About My Case, Or I'll Have You Drummed Out Of This Business. Everyone In This Office Knows About Your Stupid Secret Assignment. And The Only Reason You're Doing It Is Because It Takes A Squirt To Investigate A Grapefruit. Jealous, Macgillicuddy? Oh, Yeah. We All Wish We Could Spend Our Nights Babysitting A Bush. It's A Tree. And Writing A Bunch Of Ridiculous Reports About Nothing. Well, I Guess Under The Circumstances, I'm Just Gonna Have To Wait To Hand This Over To Mr. Addison In Person. I Guess Safeguarding The Vitamin "C" All Night Has Made It Kind Of Difficult To Take Care Of The Vitamin "L," Huh? Relationship Slipping? Not In The Least. I Guess You Haven't Been Around Much To Notice. Notice What? Consensus With The Guys Is Agnes Is Looking A LittleRestless Lately. I've Been Thinking, Maybe Maybe I Ought To Drop By Her Place One Night, Cheer Her Up. Oh, Yeah? Well, You're In For A Little Surprise If You Drop By Her Place, Because It's Gonna Be My Place. Agnes And I Are Moving In Together. You Are? Why Hasn't She Said Anything About It? Who's Fool Enough To Confide Anything Of Import To You? Maybe It's Because She Doesn't Know. Maybe It's Because You Haven't Asked Her Yet. What's To Ask? She Might Say No. Ha! Agnes Say No? Have You Ever Seen What Happens To Ice Cream When You Pour Hot Fudge All Over It? Burt, Hi! Nice Talking To You, Viola. And Good Luck On That Special Assignment We Were Talking About. You And Macgillicuddy Been Fighting Again? No. I Want To Talk To You Sweet Potato. Oh, Burt! I Missed You So Much. Good. Want To Walk Me Out? Agnes I've Had Some Time To Think These Past Nights, And I Can't Help Feeling That You And I Were Brought Together By Some Powerful, Mysterious Force. A Year Ago, I Walked In That Agency Door Plucked At Random From A Pool Of Temps. Could Have Been Anybody, But It Was Me. I Never Met A Woman Like You Before. A Lovely, Intelligent, Compassionate Woman, With Untiring Patience And Homeric Sexual Stamina. A Woman Who Feels As Deeply About Me AsI Do Of Her. And When Two People Feel That Way About Each Other, Steps Must Be Taken, Commitments Made. Agnes I Think We Should Move In Together. Don't Worry. I Have Smelling Salts, In Case You Feel The Need To Swoon. Well? I Don't Know What To Say. I Mean This Is A Gigantic Consideration, And It's All So Sudden. Come On. Do You Really Mean To Tell Me You Didn't See This Coming Like A Heat-Seeking Missile? Well, Agnes, We Can't Keep Dating Forever. We Need To Lay Down The Foundations For A Noble And Recordable Future Together. Herbert, I Can't Just Move In With You. Maybe You've Been Thinking This Over, But I Haven't. And It's Just Not Something You Rush Into. Well, It Is If You Care. Well, I Care, But I Can't-- Rush In, Not Move In. Do I Understand You're Saying No? No. Then You're Saying Yes? No. No? Yes, I'm Not Saying No. No, I'm Not Saying Yes. It's Just That I Need To Think About It. It's Not A Yes, It's Not A No, You Know? It's Just A I Don't Know. You Know? I Know. I Know You Know. Thanks, Burt. Funny, Viola-- Looks Like Someone Dropped A Load of Hot Fudge All Over You. Field Notes On The Consolidated Case. The Hour Of The Wolf vargtimen. The End Of Another Shift. When I Go Home, What Do I Have To Look Forward To-- Those Little Touches Of Femininity That Turn A Cold, Lonely Apartment Into A Home? The Woman I Love Asleep In My Bed? A Sandwich In The Fridge With A Note-- "Thought You'd Be Hungry"? No. This Investigating Agent Goes To Bed On An Empty Stomach. Why Would Agnes Not Want To Live With Me? All Right. Wait A Minute. Let's Start With Why She Would. I Am Earnest, I'm A Voracious Reader, Courteous To A Fault, I Always Signal When I'm Changing Lanes. She Would Be One Lucky Gal To Live With A Guy Like Me. But Still, I Must Consider The Possibility, However Remote, That She Might Reject Me, That She Might Say No. There. I've Said It. And Because I've Said It, She Won't Say No. She'll Say Yes. She's Got To Say Yes! The Truth Is, The Ball's In Her Court Now. Whatever She Decides, It's Out Of My Hands! Out Of My Hands! The Die Is Cast! alia Iacta Est! It's Out Of My Hands! Hi, Honey! Agnes? What Are You Doing Here? What Do You Mean What Am I Doing Here? You Asked Me To Move In. So I Did. You Didn't Have To Do All This. I Know, But I Wanted To, Because You Told Me How Hard You'd Been Working Lately. Here. I'll Let You Sit Down In Your Favorite Chair While I Get Breakfast Ready. Afterwards I'll Run You A Nice Hot Bath And Rub Warm Almond Oil All Over Your Body. Oh, Agnes. What Did I Ever Do To Deserve You? Don't Be Silly, Burt. You're Earnest, A Voracious Reader, Courteous To A Fault. I Admire The Way You Signal When You Change Lanes. But You're Not Exactly A Matinee Idol Or A Rugged Man's Man, Brimming With Character. Let's Face It, Burt-- You're Not Really The Type Of Guy That Gets The Girl. I Don't Know What I Was Thinking. Wait! You've Snapped. You're Losing Your Mind. You're Wigging Out. No. No. You're Just Tired. That's All. Yeah. Exhausted. Your Mind's Playing Tricks On You. What You Need Is Sleep. Yeah. Sleep. Sleep. But You Can't Sleep. That's How Tired You Are. You're So Tired, You're Talking To Yourself. Next Thing You Know, You'll Be Living In A Refrigerator Carton Somewhere. Wait. Just Relax. Just Calm Down. Chill Out. Unwind. Yeah. That's What You Need To Do. And Back and Now Back To Our Movie, Prince Of The Desert. You And Me Both, Pal. [Star-Spangled Banner Plays] rompity Stompity, Romper Room romper Room! Everyone Get Your Pencils Ready. You Get Your Pencils Ready At Home. and Now Our Movie, A Special Presentation of An All-Time Classic, Casablanca. Another Mountain Dew. Make It A Double. Burt, Good Evening. Too Early To Tell. Burt, Would You Care To Have A Drink With Us? I Never Drink With Customers. Burt, Where's The Restroom? Cross Your Legs. Good Evening, Burt. Captain Renault. I Understand We're Going To Have A Famous Guest Here Tonight. Mr. Victor Laszlo. Yeah? Who's He? Oh, Just A Hero, A Hero Of Global Proportions. A Hero Who By Comparison Makes Other Heroes Seem Unheroic. A Hero Who, If I Were A Woman, Would Be Welcome To Smear Jam-- I Get The Picture, Renault. Yes, Well. It Seems That Laszlo Is Coming Here To Meet Someone, Someone Who's Going To Try And Help Him Escape. Help Him Escape? How? By Giving Him Two Frequent Flyer Coupons Valid For Major Vacation Spots All Over The World, Though Some Restrictions Apply And Airline Employees And Members Of Their Families Are Not Eligible. You Wouldn't Happen To Know Where They Are, Would You? Me? Why Should I Know? Because We Arrested Ugarte, The Man We Thought Was Going To Help Him, And He Didn't Have The Coupons On His Person, All Of Which Happened In A Scene Which The Producers Were Too Cheap To Film. Well, Why Would Laszlo Need Two Coupons? Oh. They Say He's Traveling With Someone. A Lady. A Very Beautiful Lady. The Kind Of Lady That Only Someone Like Him Would Travel With. The Kind Of Lady That Someone Like You Would Never Oh, I'm Sorry. Was There A Woman Once In Your Past? No. I Didn't Think So. You See, The Reason I'm Telling You All This, Burt, Is Because I Want To Be Sure You Won't Help Him Escape, Which Would Allow Him To Form A Powerful French Resistance Movement. I Stick My Neck Out For Nobody. Why Would I Want To Help Laszlo Escape? Welcome To Burt's Cafe Americain, Monsieur. Laszlo. Victor Laszlo. [Singing La Marseillaise] This Way, Monsieur, Madame, s'il Vous Plait. Sam? Sam, Is That You? Miss Agnes. Sam. How Are You? Please, Miss Agnes, Don't Ask Me To Play That Song. Don't Ask You To What? You Know What I'm Talking About. I Do? You Know You Do. No, I Don't, Sam. Yes, You Do, Girl. No, I Don't. Yes, You Do! I Don't! You Do! What Song? This Song. [Plays Chopsticks] Sam, I Thought I Told You Never To Play That-- Why, Agnes Hello. Hello, Burt. Burt, I'd Like You To Meet Victor Laszlo. How Do You Do? vive La France. Victor Is A Famous Freedom Fighter, Idealist, Theoretical Physicist, And A Brilliant Philosopher In His Off Hours. Agnes, Please. You Know How I Hate The Word "Famous." He Risks His Life All Over The World Fighting Oppression And Dictatorships, So That People Everywhere Can Pursue Truth, Justice And Unparalleled Pleasure. I've Always Preferred The Parallel Kind Myself. Ramon, The Best Table For My Guests And No Two-Drink Minimum. beaucoup Thank Yous, Monsieur Burt, But I'm Off To Find Ugarte And The Frequent Flyer Coupons. We Must Be On A Plane Tomorrow Morning For The Sake Of The Free World. I'm Going With You To Find Him, Victor. No, Agnes. Wait Here. It Is Much Too Dangerous To Come With Me. Danger Means Nothing When I'm With You-- A Real Hero, A Hero Of Global Proportions, The Kind Of Hero Who'd Be Welcome To-- Let's Get A Bottle Of Jam And Blow This Joint. Very Well. It's Good To See You Again, Burt. Yeah. Swell. Maybe We'll See Each Other Again. Yeah. Swell. Of All The Gin Joints In All The Towns In All The World, She Walks Into Yours. Hey! I'm Supposed To Say That. Oh. Sorry. Sorry? It's Only The Best Line In The Script. I'm Sorry. How Many Times Do You Get A Chance To Say A Line Like That? I Said I'm Sorry. A Lot Of Good Sorry Will Do Now. Wait A Minute. I Still Have The Airport Scene. What? Never Mind. Let's Just Say That She And I Still Have Something To Talk About. Evening, Boss. Sam, It's Been A Long And Tortuous Night, The Kind Of Night Where Uncertainty Hangs In The Air Like Cheap Perfume. When The New Dawn Is Your Only Friend And Yet, In It's Own Twisted Way, Your Enemy As Well. When Lives Are Thrown Topsy-Turvy, The World Turned Upside Down. But Even Knowing All That, I Still Have To Ask You What Are You Doing In This Scene? You Told Me To Bring The Coupons. Oh! That's Right. I Did. We Skipped A Couple Of Extra Scenes. I Need You Around So I Can Catch Everybody Up On The Exposition Without Talking To Myself. So, Ask Me What It Means, The Coupons, Me At The Airport. So What's It Mean, Boss? The Coupons, You At The Airport? It Means That We're Approaching The End Of Another Chapter, Sam, The Final Chapter. Closing The Book On A Story That's Run It's Course. English, Boss. She's Getting On The Plane With Laszlo. What? Just Like That? Yesterday's News, Tomorrow's Blues? Another Notch On History's Bedpost? Can It, Sam. You Got It All Wrong. She's Leaving, All Right. But She Doesn't Think She's Leaving. She Thinks She's Staying. But She's Not Staying. She's Leaving. And She's Not Leaving For The Reason You Think She's Leaving. She's Leaving For The Reason I Want Her To Leave, Which Has Nothing To Do With The Reason That She Thinks She's Staying. Are You With Me, Sam? Somebody's Got To Be. I Told Her I'd Meet Them Here With The Coupons, But She Loves Me, Sam. She's Not Gonna Want To Get On That Plane. She Has A Chance To Make It Up For Leaving Me That First Time, And Knowing Agnes, She'll Grab It. Say What? The Chance, Sam! She'll Grab The Chance. I'm Not Going To Let Her. There Are Lots Of Ways Of Being The Kind Of Man That Women Love. Not All Of Them Include Getting The Girl. Agnes. Victor, Could You Put The Luggage On Board? Burt And I Have To Speak. Of Course, Dear. Trust Is The Key To Any Relationship. Burt-- Agnes, There's A Time For Talking And A Time For Listening, And The Way I See It, It's Time For Me To Do The Talking For Both Of Us. What We Feel, What We Need, None Of That Matters Anymore. Maybe Someday You'll Understand That The Problems Of 3 Little People Don't Amount To A Hill Of Beans In This Crazy World. Maybe Someday I'll Understand Why I Always Talk Like That. But For Now Here's Looking At You, Kid. Here's Looking At Me? What Does That Mean, "Here's Looking At Me"? Never Mind. I'm Just Telling You We've Got To Put Aside Our Own Desires, Our Own Needs. You've Got To Do The Right Thing. You've Got To Get On That Plane Where You Belong. Of Course I'm Getting On The Plane. It's Leaving Any Minute. Besides, Victor's On Board. Where Else Would I Go? Ohh. You Thought You And I. Well, That's All Right. II Understand. You're Trying To Be Strong. I Respect That. If It's Any Help, Just Remember, We'll Always Have Paris. We Were Never In Paris, Burt. Burt, I Think You Should Rethink This Whole Approach. This Role Just Isn't You. I Don't Want To Be Mean, But The Truth Is Some Guys Just Can't Pull This Off. Noble Good-Byes Are Only Good If You're The Kind Of Man Who's Hard To Leave. Don't Be Upset. Being The Guy Who Wins The Girl's Love Isn't Everything. There's Always Comic Relief. Well, Got To Run. If You're Ever In Monte Carlo. Agnes, Wait. You Can't Leave Me Like This. You've Got To Give Me Another Chance. Who Cares About France? We're Not French. The French Are Rude. I Was Lying When I Said You Should Do The Right Thing And Go With Victor. You're Right. I'm Not That Noble. You Should Do The Wrong Thing And Stay With Me! Please, Agnes, Please! I Was Making It All Up. Just One More Chance. I'm Begging You! Anything You Want, I Tell You. Anything! I'll Pay You! Would You Like That? I'll Give You Money! I Can Change. Whatever It Takes. Just Tell Me What You Want! I Can Dress Differently. I Can Shave. I Can Be Taller! Burt, Get A Hold Of Yourself. The Answer Is No. N-O. No. And It Will Be Best For Everyone If You Would Just Let Go Of My Ankle And Accept It. You're Not Enough Man For Me! Lost Her Again, Hmm? Too Late For Me To Stop Them. France Has Her Champion, And So Does Agnes Dipesto. My Life Is Over. And You Know Why? Because You Let Her Say No. You Were On The Right Track, But You Didn't Close The Sale. You Folded. You Let Her Take Over. You Gave Her The Chance To Reject You. Always, I Repeat, Always Say No Before The Woman Can, Or You Will Likely Suffer A Humiliation From Which You Will Never Recover. Always Say No Before The Woman Can. [Ding] Where's Agnes? At The Dentist. Listen. I Know You're Busy Trying To Make The World Safe For Grapefruit, But I Wonder If I Could Ask You Something? What Is It? Well, Me And The Boys Were Kind Of Wondering What The Outcome Was. The Outcome? The Outcome. We Can't Collect On Our Wagers Until We Know What The Answer Is. The Answer To What? To The Big Question, To The Kind That Only Comes Along Once Or Twice A Year. Will Poindexter Implicate The President? Will Leonard Take Hagler? Will Agnes Consent To Move In With You? Don't You People Have Some Blocks You Could Play With? I Knew It. He'd Tell Me If She Said Yes. She Said No, Didn't She? nein. Negativo. Have A Nice Life. You Couldn't Be More Wrong, Macgilicruddy. Actually, Not That's It's Any Of Your Business, She Beat Me To The Punch. And I Wish She Hadn't. You Know, A Man Gains A Ton Of Perspective Out There On The Firing Line, In The Dead Of Night, Just You And The Dark Dagger Of The Unknown. You Learn To Think Pretty Clearly When The Only Thing Standing Between Yourself And Nothingness Is Your Nerves And Your Knuckles. You Might Have That Experience Someday. She Dropped Him Right On His Head. What I'm Telling You Is, I Tested My Mettle, And My Mettle Can Do A Lot Better Than Agnes Dipesto. I Wonder How Your Mettle Would Do On A Polygraph Test. Hell, The Girl Got Down On Her Hand And Knees And Begged Me. I Was Afraid She'd Do Herself In. I Told Her I'd Think It Over, But What I Was Really Trying To Figure Out Was How Was I Gonna Let Her Down Easy? I Mean, After Steno Skills, What Does She Have To Offer? I Ask You. Let's Face It. Shacking Up Together Would Be Strictly A Mercy Proposition. Nothing More. Agnes Dipesto Does Nothing More For Me Than A Brillo Pad. Sorry I'm Late. Well! Agnes, I Need To Talk To You! I Never Needed To Talk To Anybody This Much! So How Did The Dentist Go? No Cavities. Great. Fantastic. your Health, Agnes, It's Numero Uno. If You Have Good Teeth, Nothing Else Matters. Agnes When Two People Set Sail On A Course Together, It's Important That That Course Be Right For Both Of Them. Wouldn't You Agree? Well, Agnes, I Have Done You A Great Disservice. You Have? A Tremendous Injustice. I Don't Understand. I Hastily Placed A Massive Burden Upon Your Shoulders Yesterday, Which, Upon Reflection, I Feel Duty Bound To Lift. Herbert, What Are You Blabbering About? Is This About Moving In Together? I'm Afraid So. Herbert. I Thought About It All Night. I Soaked In The Bathtub. I Stared At The Ceiling, Trying To Figure Out What To Do. And I Kept Coming Back To The Same Answer. Yes. Yes? Yes. It'll Take Some Adjusting And Some Compromising, But I've Never Loved Anyone As Much As I Do You. Really? Really. I Can't Wait To Tell Everybody. Don't! Agnes Let's Get New Jobs. Huh? Yeah! We're Launching A New Life Together. Let's Just Crack A Bottle Of Champagne Against The Whole Deal And Leave Blue Moon Behind, Too. There's An Unemployment Office On The Eighth Floor. In Two Hours, We Can Not Only Be Living Together, We Can Be Animal Handlers That Are Living Together. This Is Sleep Deprivation, Isn't It? Herbert, Why Don't You Go Home And Lie Down With Your Special Blanket? Agnes You Are A Chamber Pot In A 42 Long! I Couldn't Listen To Her Sing Your Praises After What You Said About Her. O'neill, Send Macgillicuddy's Dental Records To The Morgue So They'll Know What They're Looking At. Brillo Pad, Huh? Brillo Pad? A Pet Name, Sweetheart. Hypocrite. Oh, Agnes, Be Fair. Coward! That's Pretty Fair. So I Was On My Hands And Knees Begging You? So You Told Me You Had To Think About It? I Don't Recall Saying-- This Was All Just A Way Of Puffing Yourself Up In Front Of The Boys, Wasn't It? I Feel Sorry For You, That Your Life Is So Empty That You'd Resort To Belittling The Woman Who Loves You. I Don't Want To Live With A Liar, And I'm Not Gonna Spend Any More Time Where I've Become A Laughingstock. Agnes, Don't Go. Agnes, You Can't Go. Why Not? Because If You Left, I'd Never Be Able To Live With Myself, Because This Was All My Fault. I'm The Butt Around Here, Not You. I Was Always Afraid To Believe That A Woman Like You Would Want To Live With Me. And Why Should You? All I Do Is I Strut Around Here Pretending To Be Some Hotshot Young Junior Investigator, Some Renaissance Man. But All I Am All I Really Am Is A Blowhard, Waiting For The Next Crumb Mr. Addison Will Toss My Way. You Shouldn't Go, Agnes. I Should. I Should Just Crawl Back Into The Temp Pool And Never Show My Face Around Here Again. I Don't Know What Ever Made Me Believe That I Deserved Someone Like You. Where Are You Going? Somewhere Where I Can Stay Out Of Everybody's Way. How About My Place? Agnes, Why Are You Being So Nice To Me? I Can't Stop Now, Burt. I Told You I Wanted To Live With You. I Wasn't Lying. I Never Lie. I Just Wish That You Didn't Feel You Had To. That Was The Worst Thing I've Ever Done In My Whole Life. I Betrayed Everything We Have How I Feel For You. That Was A Pretty Crummy Thing To Do, Herbert. But I Think I Understand Why You Did It. You Do? WellObviously I'm Not The Hardcase I Appear To Be. The Fact Is Deep Down, I'm Insecure, Especially About You. You Got To Trust Me, Burt. We Got To Trust Each Other. I Want To. It's Just Sometimes My Imagination This Morning On The Tv, I Lost You Twice. This Isn't Tv, Burt. This Is Just You And Me. I Love You, Agnes Dipesto. I Love You, Herbert Viola. [Chopsticks Playing] Captioning Made Possible By Lions Gate Home Entertainment Captioned By The National Captioning Institute --TC6 WAS HERE-- So Come Walk The Night Come Fly By Day Something Is Sweeter 'cause We Met On The Way We'll Walk By Night We'll Fly By Day Moonlighting Strangers Who Just Met On The Way Who Just Met On The Way Who Just Met On The Way