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Alone And Confused

I'm not new to the site, but I am new in the fact that now I'm registered and in need of help. I am going to copy and paste (a rather lengthy, sorry) a post I was asking help for on another site. I'd like your guys' advice.

Let me start by saying, I am a guy. I don't see myself as a gay person, that isn't the issue here. I have recently had an encounter that has thrown everything I know about straight people out the window. I am in my 3rd year at university and I just recently made some new friends. We've already gotten comfortable enough to goof off around each other. In goofing off, me and one of my friends, let's call him "Brad", somehow began a stupid game of 'gay chicken'

Now, if you don't know what 'gay chicken' is, it's basically a game where two guys go in for a kiss and the first to back away is the loser. It's a nice way to get girls to go a little crazy.*

Anyway, we both went in and smacked lips. There was an awkward laughter moment afterward. "Brad" then just basically went back to doing what he was doing before, but it just didn't seem as playful and joking as the few other times I've goofed off like that with my other friends. He's also played it with a couple other people around me, but never went all the way in. He's even mentioned that time he actually kissed me, in front of other people.*

I really like this guy, as a friend. I certainly don't want to say or do anything to ruin this friendship, but he is just different from anyone I've known, not in a relationship-wise way, but just as a person I guess.*

A while back, we had a rather (very) awkward conversation, just the two of us, in his car. We were headed to a party and he wanted someone to ride with him. I offered. As we were leaving he jokingly told everyone else, as we were heading to his car, "hey, we're off to have sex, everyone okay with that?". Our friends know we joke like that. It was fine until our conversation in the car. It was basically:

"Brad": Does this mean we're gay now?

Me: Nah, no way man.

"Brad": Well college is the time for experimentation.

Me: I thought that's what camp was for. (jokingly)

"Brad": Well, I never went to camp.

Me: Me either...

"Brad": So does this mean you're bit gay.

Me: No. Sorry. I'm not.

"Brad" (hesitantly and quick): I mean, me neither.*

That was the end of that conversation. We were both sitting in a ton of awkward silence after that. It's the strangest conversation I've ever had with another guy. I wouldn't say I'm attracted to other guys, but I'd like to know if this guy is interested in me. I really want to know. I would probably entertain that possibility, no lie.*

We literally met two months ago and he's really cool. I love hanging out with this guy and he has the craziest sarcastic sense of humor, much like myself. So much so, it's hard to tell when he's joking and when he's being serious. But after the legitimate kiss, then that conversation, I just don't know how to approach the question of "Are you gay?" or "Do you like me like that?" or "Was that kiss just part of a game?" without harming our friendship.

I have another friend that I joke with, almost at the same level, who happens to have a girlfriend, so I know it means nothing. “Brad” on the other hand, is just different in that I can’t tell if he’s being serious or not. I do know he's had at least one girlfriend before. He did introduce me to his sister who knew my name. When asked how she knew my name she said it was because “Brad” had showed her my picture. From where, I don’t know, but it’s just the little things like that, that keep adding up. He is very flirtatious with girls, but the ones he is that way around, either have a boyfriend already, or are not interested in him that way. (sorry if I sound jouvenile or childish in my rants).

Now, on Friday, I was at his apartment for a party. I got drunk enough to need the couch for the night. It's not the first time I've stayed over and it's never a big deal. As I was laying there I overheard him, in his room (with a girl, not talking at first, if you catch my drift) start to talk about "Mary".

Now, "Mary" is a girl he has confessed to liking a lot. They aren't really together because he just hasn't pulled the trigger on it. I overheard him explaining how much he really likes her, to the girl he was sleeping with that night. He said he enjoys people who are serious with him, but he always feels like he can't be serious with anyone. He's always a jokester and its true, he has a hard time being serious around people.

I love this guy like a brother and would definitely entertain the idea of getting to know him better and more intimately.

The crux of this gigantic post is; how can I explore the feelings I have for him, as he's sending signals of potentially being bisexual as well, without compromising our friendship of his interest in this girl he likes?

Re: Alone And Confused

Things would be cleared up real fast if you told him the truth >>>

"Brad": So does this mean you're bit gay.

Me: No. Sorry. I'm not.

"Brad" (hesitantly and quick): I mean, me neither.*

The fact is you want to experiment.....with him.
Both of you have expressed an interest in each other albeit in an off handed way........but that's a good, make that great, start.
GO for it man........it sounds like you already missed at least one opportunity.

Re: Alone And Confused

I know, I've missed at least two opportunities and with his growing interest in this girl, I'm afraid that ship has sailed. I just need the confidence, and time to sit down and talk with him, alone. Thing is, I can never seem to get him alone and be serious with him. I'd love to talk about these things, but our timing isn't right.

Re: Alone And Confused

Well, here is my calculus:

Bi guys like both girls and guys.

It's normal that some guys are bi. There are some people who deny this, especially certain loud-mouthed gay guys who don't know what they are talking about, but bi guys are everywhere. When my partner was in college, he and his boyfriend were constantly fucking either each other or whatever girl they had managed to score with. Half the present population of the town they went to college in consists of their illegitimate offspring. He was later in a very nice marriage with a woman until ovarian cancer got her. He has overall had an awesome, textbook-perfect life. He has an entire telephone directory--I do not exaggerate--of truly loyal friends who are literally closer to him and more supportive of him than his own family. Being a bi guy is really a cool, okay sort of thing.

Your friend likes girls, but he also has a burning curiosity over certain guys, you being one of them.

Therefore, I must conclude that your friend is, based on everything you have said here, a perfectly normal person, and he deserves to realize that he is a perfectly normal person, a trivial aspect of which happens to be that he is a bi guy. He will be a lot more prepared to pursue this girl if he is not constantly fretting over his sexuality. He will be more able to have sex with her and knock her up with the little kid that he is going to name after you someday if you can banish this anxiety for him. It's okay that sometimes he has thoughts about guys.

Re: Alone And Confused

Welcome to the forum.

Since we don't live life in reverse we can only guess at consequences and then as we gain experience we can begin to predict them. Your fear has prevented you from taking the initiative with Brad because you don't know what will be his reaction or who he might tell. So, will it be a missed opportunity or will you save yourself some embarrassment? That's the question you're asking yourself. Unfortunately, you're the only one who can answer it.

You haven't known him very long but he does seem to be extroverted and fun-loving and vocal. Horniness can lead to playfulness. I'm not sure how to interpret his public only playfulness. Perhaps he's as scared as you are.

Last edited by Seasoned; February 25th, 2013 at 02:49 PM.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."--Dr. Seuss

Re: Alone And Confused

Ok Jake

I'm gay and my best friend is straight. We have done nothing sexually ever. We've known each other probably longer than you have been alive. We are very familiar with each other. We both tease. We do kiss. I have to admit if he wanted to go for it, I'd probably happily oblige. He knows everything about me....everything....the good, the bad, the ugly. I trust him implicitly. When I have a problem he is the first one I call.

He is married. He has children. He is about to be a grandfather...something he hates by the way.....he thinks of it as the nail in the coffin for being old. I have had a few gay friends that were pretty much the same way. We were very comfortable with physical familiarity. It really isn't about sex. It is about a comfort level.

It has been my experience that the bond between guys is like nothing else. I don't know about women because I am not one. I will say after observations though, women don't form the same bonds as do men. I have four sisters. I've seen it up close. In fact one sister thinks it is weird that I still have the friend from the third grade.

I'm not saying every guy you befriend is going to fall into that category. In fact most won't. When you do meet that rare guy that just clicks you have the best thing ever. I've had a lot of boyfriends. I've only had one best friend.

You are young. When me and my friend were young we did a lot of things I dare say older guys wouldn't have done. We showered together. I mean like we would wash each other. We slept together. We drank from the same glass. We ate off the same sandwich.

Now if he came over right now and I said let's go take a shower together, he'd probably look at me like I had lost my mind. The bonds of familiarity established when you are young never break.

Since men have a sexual thought every three seconds, sex is always a component of just about every waking moment and every situation for the average guy. When you are young with the testosterone at all time highs, those feelings are only increased.

My advise is to enjoy the friendship. Enjoy the guy. If things go further they will. You have to make a decision on how much the friendship means to you. In my experience sex complicates even the very best of situations.

Re: Alone And Confused

Thank you guys for being helpful and supportive. That's what I needed, really, someone to tell this story to that understands. "Enjoy the friendship" really echoes what I think I'll have to settle with. I want to grow closer to him though. I'll be leaving in May and moving away from him and I don't want what we have to fizzle out. That tears my heart out every time I think about it.

Re: Alone And Confused

The best thing about today's society is technology. Yeah, it sucks you won't be with him in person, but Skype is amazing for catching up. Just be sure to stay in contact with him. When my best friend moved away, I lost contact (my fault) for a year or so and it tore me apart. But things are good now because we talk frequently! Friends always figure out a way to make things work, just remember that. best of luck!

Author of Lost in a Dream. If you want to make me smile, read it and tell me what you think.

Re: Alone And Confused

Yeah, I have to come back about once a month and I mentioned that and got a resounding 'good' from him. He knows I have to move off and I'm sure we can make the distance work (it's not far at all, over 2 hours away). I just need the confidence to talk with him about the two of us and what his feelings are. I just have a hard time coming up with reasons to talk to him or text out of the blue. I'm quite shy when it comes to initiating things.

Re: Alone And Confused

Re: Alone And Confused
Sometimes we fall in love with a person who despite being a friend, will never feel the same way back to us. It is possible to stay in love with that person all of our lives & can only dream of what might have been. Relax & enjoy this special friendship, it is amazing how much love & help they will give back. True friends are the rocks we cling to when life gets tough.

Re: Alone And Confused

Originally Posted by enjay57

Re: Alone And Confused
Sometimes we fall in love with a person who despite being a friend, will never feel the same way back to us. It is possible to stay in love with that person all of our lives & can only dream of what might have been. Relax & enjoy this special friendship, it is amazing how much love & help they will give back. True friends are the rocks we cling to when life gets tough.