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Friday, November 13, 2009

Finding the Strength in Dependence

I hate asking for help. I hate letting people help me, even when I don’t ask for it. I’ve always been an absurdly independent person. My first sentence as a child was, “Sissa do it self.” That has made my present situation all the more difficult.

As most of you know, I am pregnant with our fourth child. As excited as I am for this new addition to our household, my pregnancy so far has taken a real toll on my body, life, and family. For the last couple of weeks I’ve been lucky if I eat one meal a day; mostly my diet has consisted of crackers and fluids. Despite the anti-nausea medication my doctor prescribed I’m spending most of my day plagued by a constant queasy feeling in my stomach. This, plus the normal fatigue of the first trimester, is making it hard for me to keep up with my stay-at-home mommy responsibilities. I’m embarrassed at the amount of TV my children have watched and, for someone who prides themselves on making yummy meals, we’ve eaten a lot of sandwiches and Mac n’Cheese. I know I don’t need to feel guilty about any of this, it’s just been hard for me to admit that I need help.

It’s always amazing to me how well God knows me and takes care of me. He provides for my needs that I don’t even ask for help with. He knew how bad I felt that my children weren’t getting to go out and play as much as before and He provided me with my neighbor, Pio, who stays home during the day with his 2-1/2 year old daughter. Pio has taken Eli & Cora over to his house multiple times in the last couple weeks. He plays soccer with Eli and has even made them lunch a couple of times. Physically I was feeling so sick and tired that I wasn’t able to even attempt the feeble protest that I normally would have felt obligated to make at Pio’s generosity. God has also provided for me through another one of my neighbors, a former missionary who I don’t really know that well. This man works the graveyard shift as a security guard at Disneyland. Whenever I see him he asks me how I’m feeling and what he can pray for me about. Every night while he’s at work he prays for people and he said God put me on his heart to pray for. I don’t pray for myself everyday, but this man I barely know is lifting me up before God on a daily basis.

Then there’s my husband. Josh is doing so much right now, which makes it harder for me to ask him for help. I know how tired he is after work, how much homework he has to do each night and that he isn’t getting much down time for himself right now. Still, everyday before he leaves work he asks me if I want him to bring something home for dinner. On Wednesday, even though he’d been up since 5 AM, he stopped at the grocery store after his cooking class got out (10:30 PM) because he knew I was out of crackers and juice. He doesn’t complain about how messy the house is or that he doesn’t have any clean clothes because I didn’t have the energy to get to the laundry. He is patient and generous and wonderful to me.

This is a hard time right now, but I know that God is walking with me and teaching me to be more dependent on Him and others and less self-reliant. I guess I’m learning that strength isn’t always doing things on your own, it’s knowing when to let others help you. Plus, as miserable as I feel, I’m comforted by the thought that it’s all for a purpose and it’ll be over in 7 more months.

1 comment:

I like your excuses. Me, I just get embarrassed over having excuses. So I don't ask. This is bad for my husband, because he's already knocking himself out, and he has to keep looking for stuff I need, where if I asked him for help, he'd maybe be able to find the end...

DON'T beat yourself up over not meeting your own ideals for life. That just makes everything worse. Trust me. I know. Sometimes, life just is what it is, and we can only live in the moment God has given us. :-)

Listen to me, going on at you. I'm just half-baking number two right now. You know all this stuff WAY better than I do!