Ramblings. It's me, Rachyba8e.

I have realised my eyes have only just been opened…

I’m really struggling at the moment, and you know what I’m finding it dam hard. I’m a team leader at a college and you cannot show any signs of a struggle to the students, to the managers or to fellow colleagues. What is meant to happen is that stress release and rant is meant to be to the partner at home. My problem is my struggle is with my partner.

I was very happy in my relationship up to a couple of months ago when I was sat in the pub with my fellow work colleagues just chatting (no alcohol because of driving) when I realised that maybe my relationship was not as normal as I first thought. This is where the alcohol started to flow, and I thought who better to talk to than some wise married guys from work. Well they certainly opened my eyes.

I have been in a relationship with my fella for six years. Through that time he has never worked (sometime was at uni), his excuse is he is creative and sells things online. This does not pay the mortgage (I do) this does not pay the bills (I do) and this does not feed us or the dogs (i do). If he wants/ needs something (he smokes, I don’t) he uses my card. He also has the nerve to moan when I treat myself to some new clothes/ new car ( I travel a long distance to work I needed something comfey).

This conversation came up with guys at work, they turned round to me and told me to my face I was young and stupid. Am I? Then they said what would a woman be called if this situation was opposite in terms of gender, how do you think other people would view it?

Now do not get me wrong I do love my fella. And this is where the problem lies, I love him but with my eyes open I do not think I see any future with him. Marriage and kids would be impossible as we do not have the money. Holidays are impossible unless I save for both of us. And most of all I get sh*t when I go for a drink with the people at work as I am spending my money on alcohol (this has happened three times in a year – and apparently is too often). The final piece of advice from my colleagues was ditch him. I cannot, I’ve tried. I cried, forgave him and everything went back to ‘normal’. They said if I can’t see a future get out now when I’m young. The most heartbreaking moment was when my mum realised something was up and me and her cried in the middle of town, me crying because all the bottled up emotion was being released and her crying because I don’t see her often and she cant wave a magic wand to fix everything for me.

So with my eyes open everything hurts a lot more as I can see what is happening but am still to paralysed to act. There are points where I realise ignorance really is Bliss.