The further and continuing adventures of the girl who sat in the back of your homeroom, reading and daydreaming.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Beware The Toaster Gods

A very long time ago, I replaced a toaster just 'cos it was old and ugly.

In so doing, I must have angered the Toaster Gods. I have been unable to casually make edible toast ever since.

It comes out burned. It comes (partially) out snagged. It gets snagged, never pops up and flames come out instead of toast. It toasts for ten minutes and comes out hardly toasted. It comes out with weird toaster mung on it. Or ants, no matter how careful I am of the crumb tray.

Do not offend the Toaster Gods. Though their scope may be small, their vengeance is swift and long-lasting. Or are they malevolent AIs, starting with the first Toaster With A Brain™? Impossible to be certain (see "Law, Clarke's, #3") In either case, I blame Thomas Disch.

It'll be a few bucks, but visit a good restaurant supply house and grab a commercial 4-slot. I've had one for years and, while moderately unattractive and heavy, it shows no signs of giving up or developing the dreaded "random toasted syndrome." Plus, unlike the consumer models, it allows two slices at a time, or all 4.

We had a wedding present toaster that was made of chrome plated suck, and had handles made of brown plastic fail. It could not reliably toast anything. We replaced it with a white metal suck and plastic suck toastersucker, that toasts perfectly, but only toasts one half the slice of toast. You have to toast the toast, turn it upaide down, and toast the other side. I swear it's a "Half slice" toaster.

I can toast better toast with a gas stove and a car antenna. Damned appliance designers.

"I saw to what extent the people among whom I lived could be trusted as good neighbors and friends; that their friendship was for summer weather only; that they did not greatly propose to do right; that they were a distinct race from me by their prejudices and superstitions."