We Are All This Woman Discovering Her High-School Crush Has a New Girlfriend

There is only one thing worse than learning that your trusty old high-school crush has a new girlfriend: learning that your trusty old high-school crush has a new girlfriend, and that she’s a model.

“She’s so pretty!” laments writer Marian Bull after stumbling upon this troubling development. “We don’t look anything alike. It’s like her skin is made of silk that has lots of sun rays woven into it. I’m sure she’s a really nice person.”

And upon realizing she’s a model: “She’s a model and I’m just sitting here in my shitty apartment. Our heat doesn’t even work. I bet her heat works. She lives in California, she doesn’t even need heat.”