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One of the many reasons I admire my friend, Eketi Ette, is because she is exactly the kind of Christian I’d like to be when I grow up. Outspoken, assertive, unencumbered by the many bylaws most of today’s Christians appear to be laboring under, and she pushes the boundary just so far that you know she’s just not the kind of person who will buy everything the Man of God is selling.

Very recently, she has been on a social media campaign to get her followers to talk frankly about sex. You know, that very uncommon, unpopular Christian subject – yes, Christian. There’s a reason the Songs Of Solomon is in the Bible. I’d like to think that it is because God Himself appreciates a good sex conversation every now and then. I watched from the sidelines the diverse reactions and illuminating comments that were littered all over Eketi’s sex Facebook thread. However, I knew it was only a matter of time before she would get taken to task by the conservatives over her unrestrained stance.

She must have, because, soon after, she updated the following on her Timeline: ‘Some people are so fake! And it pains me when they cover their fakeness with the Bible or the Quran or Tradition. Some people behave as if God created man and woman, but the devil added the genitals! So sex is not for Christians to discuss, abi? But you’ll sit in your house and giggle and laugh over it with friends, right? Sit there and fool yourself!’

I saw that post and I chuckled. How properly indignant. I also remembered that post in the course of a minor incident that happened during the weekend.

I had gone out to the dumpster close to my compound to empty my trash-basket. The bin outside was already filled to the brim, with bits of refuse overhanging from the edges. The street was quite narrow, and on the other side, trying futilely to calm the tot in her arms was this churchy woman I know who lives on the street. However, it was her shop that stood opposite my compound, and she was multitasking with being maternal to her child and attending to the occasional customer. The other thing about this woman is, she’s dedicated to evangelism – the early morning kind. That morning when I and a bunch of other early morning commuters are hitting the streets, away from the relative comforts of our homes, she’s usually in a corner of the neighbourhood, exhorting her fellow brethren in the Lord about several grave issues, primarily the Second Coming of Christ and the urgent need to be Born Again. I admire her dedication to evangelism, especially in those auroral hours. I mean, in that moment, I’m just self-aware enough to mutter the quick morning greeting to any passerby and my bus stop to the driver; and yet, she is already alert, with an attitude that is rife with indignation at any brethren who would dare not hearken unto her voice.

So back to that day of the weekend and my trash; I’d just upended my basket into the bin, and a number of my garbage spilled out onto the overflowing bin. Pure water sachets, junk food waste materials, pieces of paper, all other forms of used knickknackery –

And some used condoms!

That last bit of waste was at the very bottom of the basket, and landed – plop! – right on top of everything else.

In the first few microseconds of seeing that, I was aghast. Like, WTF! How dare these condoms, in all its ‘wind blowing’ glory, open my nyash and all the knowledge of my sex life to any Tom, Dick and Harry observing me on my little errand?! I was of the mind to reach my hand into that stinky pile of refuse, pick up the condoms and shove them out of sight beneath some pure water sachets.

And then, those microseconds passed, and a small voice within chided me: So you have protected sex, so what?!

Yes, indeed! So What?!

And so I shrugged off my consternation and turned to walk away, only to clash my gaze with that of this shop-woman cum evangelist. She was grimacing at me, dividing her shocked stare between me and the dustbin pile. And then, she opened her mouth and in her coarse, lightly-Yoruba-accented voice, she half-yelled to me, “Are you just going to leave that thing on top there?”

I hadn’t expected that, and the words surprised a laugh out of me. She glared, like my amusement had just stoked her righteous rage, and snapped, “Am I funny to you? Is what I’m saying sounding funny to you? Why will you just leave that – that” – she couldn’t quite get out the words and so she settled with – “that thing there?”

“But, ma, is it not part of trash?” I threw back cheekily.

And she returned in a scandalized tone, “I’ve always taken you to be a nice Christian young man. How can you even be doing the things you do with that thing, talkless of coming here to just leave it there to just – to just…” She didn’t quite know what words to use, and so ended up gesturing with her hand, an expression of her outrage at my ‘insolence.’

I merely laughed some more, shook my head and walked away from her, all the while thinking: What is it about sex sef? What is it about it that makes Christians – and people, generally – cringe when the issue comes up on any forum that is not bolted away behind closed doors? Why do we treat it like it’s such a taboo? Why is the mention of it treated like that’s the shortcut to Hell, and that talking about it would be flouting that last bit of commandment ‘Thou Shalt Not Talk About Sex’, which Moses – Bless his soul – forgot to bring back with him from Mount Sinai? I’ve made acquaintances who never had the talk about the bees and the birds with their parents, simply because they found it too uncomfortable to deal with. Why is that?

Really, why?

I don’t get it.

And about that ‘nice Christian young man like me’ bit, where on earth was the woman getting that misinformation from?

About shakespeareanwalter

Walt Shakes(@Walt_Shakes) is an award-winning Nigerian writer, poet and veteran blogger. He is a lover of the written word. the faint whiff of nature, the flashing vista of movies, the warmth of companionship and the happy sound of laughter.

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74 comments

I dont see anything bad in sex. And i dont understand why people keep running from the topic. Parents dont educate their kids well because they think its a sin to discuss sex,thereby leaving those kids to the dangers of falling victim due to lack of sex education. I once raised the topic of parents and sex education during a panel disscusion one day in my church. I didnt even say five words before the pastor asked me to stop. And till this very day, they refer to me as the church bad girl who is trying to corrupt their children.# shrugs# what difference those it make? It doesnt add nor subtract anything from my body. Sex should be a free topic, not something you are afraid to talk about in public,but you are an expert when it comes to practise.

Well, Sex has always and will always be something of a taboo subject and it shouldn’t be so. This is the exact reason why young girls and fully grown women to boot cannot walk into a pharmacy store to ask for condoms because they would be thought of as loose etc and at the end of the day they get into situations that wd warrant me staying up at night to sort out. The thing about premarital sex, another issue entirely. Left to me I’d say it’s more of a moral thing, but how do these people stay away when we would not even talk about SEX? Fancy your neighborhood preacher calling a condom, albeit used “that thing”. How difficult is it to say condom, ehn?sebi after now, when she has a daughter she’ll tell d poor girl that “if a man as much as shakes ur hand u’ll become pregnant “? #DiarrisGodSha. Ur experience reminds me of when I had to go n buy some drugs to use on a patient, I saw an elderly man I recognised frm church in the pharmacy, he was talking with the owner. I asked for the drugs. I could see the look on the pharmacist’s face, he then quickly whispered sth to “old church guy” and gave me the drugs. But you could clearly see the look of disapproval on both their faces. I decided there and then to shock them very well. I asked for condoms, told d man “oga,not gold circle o, give me durex” they both looked like they were going to pass out right there! It was hilarious. Needless to say, I got an earful on Sunday from the papa who told me I was too young to be using the drug i came to buy and condoms. That I shd at least wait till I’m more grown up and a graduate, bla bla (mind u, I was already in practice, damn this baby face). Now if I was still an impressionable young girl, curiosity would’ve set an and I would want to know why I can’t use said items, which will lead to me on a sex quest because, I wasn’t told why. He just implied that they are bad items. Anyhoo, I applaud Eketi for taking on the subject! Nne comean chop kiss *mmuah*

It stems from the fact that we live in a very pretentious times in this part of the world. That is why many of us had to learn about sex from our peers, movies, soft porn magazines and a host of other readily available means. I recollect when someone from my church saw a book in my shelve while in the university; Dr Eustace Chaser’s ‘A Guide to Sex Technique’. On pointing it out, I raised her consternation higher when I said I had it since secondary school. I told her I don’t see any reason not to learn about sex Christianity or not. No one was willing to answer my questions nor teach me so I took it upon myself to school myself. Besides all these, it is an essential part of living and if I’m gonna do it Christianity or otherwise, then I might as well learn enough about it to enjoy it. I don’t think it is a sin to learn how to take and give pleasure. So for me, talking about sex is normal, interesting and clean…

That’s where the problem normally start now! Since ur parents/guardian won’t tell u abt it, u go out in search of experienced ‘lecturers’. If our parents did their job, there will b less unwanted pregnancies, less Heartbreaks, maybe STDS would have been eradicated as well…

Nice write-up. I think sex education should be introduced in every home as early as possible, instilling the scriptural moral values which teach that sex is acceptable by our Creator only within the confines of marriage. The earlier they hear this fact, the better and easier it becomes to overcome the winds of immorality that blows around us as they’ll seek godly advice to abide by the morals taught them early. That pre-marital sex is rampant dooes not make it right though.

Nice write-up. I believe sex education should be introduced to children in every home as early as possible, to avoid the wrong ideas of sex get settled in their minds before it’s too late. Godly values on the dangers of pre-marital sex AND our Creator’s detest of such should be driven home. That it is so rampant in our days does not make it right. May God give us His wisdom in these matters. Amen.

Lol! But doing it outside marriage is d one u need that *sign of d cross* for o! Truth b said, I don’t think it’s a good idea to engage in premarital sex, but then, God help us all with all the *Z rated helps* all around….

The thing I see is that we Nigerians are the ones that see #SEX Topics as a taboo(even d ones that lives in d English man’s land find it difficult to talk about) Now like u guys have rightfully pointed out, when ur parent, the major ppl that are supposed to train u in d way u should go, just like d Bible they preach from commanded take u a few steps of d way and left u in d middle of the road that has many branches, now tell me if u won’t b confused and decide to sample all d roads and see which will take u to ur destination. Our Parents most especially did us injustice when comes to sex. It was in Biology class in my Sec. Sch. Days that I first learn abt Menstrual cycle, Puberty and the rest, and I was already 17 o! B4 then I kn nothing, when I started menstruation, my mum didn’t even bother to tell me why I suddenly start to bleed down there! My dad tried tho’, even if he left me more confused with his u can’t go near boys! It’s just so annoying, and to think ppl start to raise their brows like a sky rocket once the forbidden topic is mentioned, in churches, if u raise the topic, u will start to hear chairs talking instead of human beings..

Well this stems from a combo of two factors; the hypocrisy of Nigerians and their religiosity which makes their reasoning inherently faulty!

God forbid we talk about sex, but we have sex all the time! Its hilarious! My neighbor always judges me with his eyes on sunday morning while he is heading out to church (with his live-in girlfriend by the way) and I am on the patio having my morning coffee!

As a horny teenager I remember learning a lot of nonsense about sex from all the wrong places simply because the adults around me will not talk about sex with me! It was even more difficult for me because I am a gay man and I could not even find any literature on homosexuality!

When we sweep things under the carpet, it becomes dark in there and we cannot see exactly what is happening in the dark. So if something is going wrong, we cannot fix it

Sex is the most beautiful thing and should be talked about, if not a whole book of the bible would not be dedicated to amorous romance. Heard that the Hebrew root word for sex is the same for worship. However, the dangers of having sex outside the marital union should always be highlighted. In marriage, angels sings, cherubs play stringed instruments and heaven rejoices at the sheer beauty of sex….it is absolutely glorious….kiss me with the kisses of thy lips, for thy LOVE is better than wine….

Sinner, you need Jesus! Did you not know our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ did not have Sex? Not even when that adulteress Mary Magdalene came to form “persecuted” woman in his front. Take heed from that, stay clear from Sex for it is the devil’s tool.

Archbishop Anyi’s in the building y’all, now that’s what’s up! If you know what’s good for you fornicator, go meet up with the ArchB and atone for thy iniquity before its too late! Em…. how many condoms did you dispose of exactly Walter, that’d have set that sister off on a tailspin like that?! Musta been a ‘binload’! You naughty, naughty boy! I should go squeal to your mum ’bout just how bad you’ve been but on second thoughts, I’ll wager she’s seen this episode and I can just imagine what she’s thinking right now! Walter! Walter!! Walter!!! *smh* LMAO!

Yes parents should talk to their children about sex education. But what is to be gained from talking about sex elsewhere? All that achieves is stimulate the participants’ hormones becos such talks usually end up being lewd. Sex should not be a regular conversation aBeg. What do you want to talk about that you don’t already know

Sex like every aspect of human living requires acquired knowledge to understand it first of all,and then knowledge to perform it. I don’t see why I’ll get aroused if I’m discussing important details of sex with friends. For me Thaddeus, it’s all about learning about something. If you’ll learn so much about etiquette and table manner just to be seen as well-groomed when dining with top-shots, why not learn so much about almost (if not the most) pleasurable activity man can get involved in? And although I don’t know what your discipline is/was or your chosen profession but I believe you are versed enough to share and discuss ideas with your colleagues or your betters…so why not do that where it bothers on sex?

I’m a geniune Christian by God’s grace and sooo PROUD of my believes. Like I’ud always point, when the need to ‘discuss’ sex has no aim, why bother with the discuss? Sex by God is strictly for marriage and where ‘talking about’ it does not refrain you from keeping it sacred as was meant what purpose has such discuss achieved? But again, cos of the plethora of abuses the word has undergone, it could be substituted with ‘mate’, ‘knew’, ‘intercourse’, ‘sleep’ etc. So what’s the BIG deal about not using the word ‘sex’? They all mean one thing if you ask me. And, the church has it purposes, if some persons wish to avoid the discuss, fine by them, at least my church holds forums for discussing such issues with an AIM, that is. So if your discussing ‘sex’ is aimless, pls do that in the clubs and bars and leave the church for the ‘saving-the-lost’ it’s meant for. Anyway, everyone’s got an opinion and entitled to it. But what God says should be the STANDARD!

Sex is a beautiful thing. So beautiful and forceful. Sex can create and can destroy. Sex can give so much joy and can also give so much pain. Sex is a beautiful creation of God. I happen to be a teacher and also a counsellor. I have seen a lot of youths under the shackles of sex perversions, ( self stimulation, homosexuality, and a lot more) dis cases are been tackled everyday and it usually is never an easy journey.

Now back to ur post. I remember taking a study in church about sex ( dat was on campus sha) n when i started teaching about it @ first some of my folks changed there seats, some squeezed, their faces. Someone stood up and said ‘ sister Ify, this is not a Christian like topic’ . Thank God i came prepared, i just ignored him. Honestly as the study went on people began to talk, dey felt relaxed , we shared how to overcome sexual sins, practical steps to take to overcome it etc..dat day the word ‘sex! Sex!! Sex!!!’ Was just flying everywhere in church. I can tell you that that was a turning point in so many peoples lives. The brother that stood up was also blessed because he later found out the importance of that topic..

Sex outside the confines of marriage is destructive but the real question is how do you overcome, and abstain till marriage.

To say u made a point is ab understatement. And u have stated the obvious problem too..how to overcome the temptation of premarital #SEX, and I guess it’s this challenge of premarital sex that got us here in d first place…

I don’t think it’s the sex itself, I think it’s what it signifies because once u indulge in it, there’s no going back. That saying “konji is a bastard” it’s a really thing because once d urge sets in some people will do whatever it takes especially men, which is why most of them results to rape. I think the sole reason Christians shy away from the premarital sex thingy is because they believe it’s one of devil’s strongest tools and it doesn’t help that everyday u hear about a pastor taking advantage of his church member(s) (female) or caught having sex with them, this will definitely diminish the work and worth of such a spiritual leader. For real, sex is overrated but then I think d reason it’s overrated is because it’s results most times, are regrettable and most people are not ready for the aftermath, the unwanted pregnancy, STDS, the stigma(hoe-stigmatisation) etc.

Sex education for all its intents and purposes is right and i sincerely dnt knw why people squirm like its an unholy thing whenever sex is mentioned and this very people engage in unholy acts behind closed doors, its appaling really but that is hw nigerians are, tight lipped, stiff necked hypocrites.

Sex is a beautiful thing within certain confines that much i advocate for and if u must do it like a certain sumborri because of whom am writing a comment here, use a condom.

I’m guessing sex is such a stigmatized topic of discourse cause of its very nature! First, the One who instituted it expressly stated it should be for a special set of people: couples legally married, in which case it’ll take its natural cause and even the Heavens will rejoice at the awesomeness of it all! Second, the act and or art in itself is such a private affair, owing to the body parts or gametes utilized! Those body parts are very private and you don’t just get to expose ’em for public viewing unless you’ve got a screw loose in your faculties! Overseas, if you’re caught making out in a public place or even in your car, you stand the risk of getting arrested and booked for lewd acts or public exposure! So, all of these makes sex and talks bordering on it such a taboo!

Knowledge is power and am all for parents telling their wards all they can ’bout it, specifically that its for married couples; rather than for ’em to shy away from the topic and have their kids go learn from peers and social media! The best sex education I got growing up was from my dad and it was a tell-tale threat that went something like this ‘Open up your legs for a boy, get pregnant by him and don’t even dare reporting to my house cos there’ll be hell to pay’! Popsman was a disciplinarian to the core and he’s someone you simply don’t wanna trifle with! Well, that worked for a while and then along came a beautiful spider, who brought with him the most ‘bootiful’ spluttering, fluttering butterflies I ever did feel and by the time he was done spinning his webs over a three year period of giving a very hot chase, I was totally caught in ’em webs! Suffice it to say, I actually charmed the one-eyed ‘schnake’ and well, he became ma hubby! *rme* LMAO!

Nice episode Walter, if anything; I’ve learnt NEVER to think of you as a ‘nice Christian young man’! Who sai?! Hian! ROTFLMAO!

It’s a pretty sensitive topic, but it’s an institution created by God, and like everything else God created, it is good! There will other days to talk about application and abuse, but when you shy away from the topic, you shy away from something the Lord made! Furthermore, it’s a fundamental part of our everyday reality, so why do we pretend? Why act like it’s not out there?

Right Right Right, nobody thinks itz weird that he left a condom on top of the trash? have all the sex u want to have, for ur pocket, but if a person feels they are not ready to explain what a condom is to their 5 year old, who are u to force that convo on them by putting ur condom on top of a general bin pile? i get that people should teach sex education, i’m all for that, but some things should not just be left in the open….imagine the sheer joy u feel when u’re minding ur biz and passing and a used sanitary pad gets in ur innocent line of sight…. in case of next time, kindly appropriately wrap it before u dispose….#my opinion#

was this an actual situation tho? if it was….dude, eww, who does that?… p/s i know what the post is about .. what the post is about has just about been beaten to death by my dear previous commenters, me, i’m coming from angle deux…… putting ur used condom on top of a public bin is nasty dude….seriously!

But who first came up with sex being only for married couples biko? Oya religious people crucify me but erm I don’t care. The bible never said anything about pre-marital sex being a sin. And I think God is always clear on the “do not” and “do” parts of the law. The word ‘fornication’ is from the Greek ‘pornea’ which includes sex during menstruation, adultery, sex dedicated to gods and goddesses (temple sex and orgies), all forms of homosexual acts. Pre-marital sex is not part of the list, even the act of a man keeping concubines and having more than one wife was not included. So how the word pornea (translated as fornication) is now aimed at pre-marital sex really baffles me. But then I get that the church must teach purity at all cost and there are bible passages that admonish christians to honor the marriage bed. Still, no clear word on sex before marriage for a man and a woman. In the OT, there are two passages that handle the issue and that has to do with a man who sleeps with a virgin being asked to pay her dowry so she becomes his wife. The father has the right to refuse this but the man will still pay. It was a way of honoring her after deflowering her because her value drops from then on. If he rapes her, he must pay and keep her as his wife, never allowed to divorce her. A third case is where a woman thought to be a virgin was discovered not to be so on her wedding day. The punishment is harsh, she would be stoned because it is believed she was playing the whore in her father’s house. Yes, women got it tough in those days (no different from now). But the husband can save the woman from death. In the first 2 cases, no punishment is given to the man and the woman for having pre-marital sex. The man can offer a dowry but the father can refuse. Nonetheless, with both instances, one can infer that God was not in support of meaningless sex or promiscuity. However, it is not right to go all the way to preach that pre-marital sex is a sin. How I wish when we talk about sex in churches, we teach responsibility instead, faithfulness and love. Without these, you can’t have a meaningful sex life even while married. Also I wish christians would always question and research well. In the light of this I want to add that you can be faithful to one person outside the confines of marriage and live a beautiful sex life. If you’re not faithful as a single, marriage vows won’t do shit. Little wonder the high cases of adultery today. In the end, it all depends on you and what you take sex to be. Proud to say I’ve had one sex partner for over ten years and it only gets better as the years go by. And yes, we started as ‘fornicators’. it’s not something I’m ashamed of. It’s a badge of honor I carry. Thanks Walter for sharing.

Honestly, I dunno whether to hug you or kiss you for this comment, Sally. It enlightened even me, who thought I had it quite figured out. Responsibility, faithfulness and love being major themes during church teachings of sex – that right there is the big picture.

Thanks a lot #LadySally for that wonderful explanation. I for one, I’m really confused abt this whole thing. We have been thought in our respective churches that we must not have premarital sex, which is being referred to as #Fornication. Truth b told I’ve read my Bible over and over again but still confused abt the whole ‘no sex b4 marriage syndrome. But with this explanation, I’m more enlightened. Thanks a lot Sally

Always my pleasure to enlighten, Julianah. I was privileged to have a library of theological texts while growing up; now adding the internet to my research, I see a lot that christians are not told about God’s word. I understand the reasons why pastors will not teach this particular truth because on one hand it will appear as though they are encouraging promiscuity or unbridled sexual acts. But I feel the truth should be told at all cost. The bible says if you sleep with a prostitute you become one with her. That means if you sleep with anyone, you’re one with that person, that’s how God sees it. The single person should be taught this, so that they don’t sleep with John today and give Peter a blowjob tomorrow. That is prostitution and God frowns on that. Make love to the one you see having your children with, the one whose body you respect and adore, your confidant and friend. Then will sex be beautiful. If you don’t love that person that way, and plan to move to another, just to satisfy your lust, then refrain. That’s where abstinence comes in. If you’re still not sure then wait till you’re married. Meaningless sex is not a christian’s way. Churches should teach the depth of what sex means and not to tell people it is only beautiful in marriage, hence DO NOT do it. That is why many don’t understand the beauty of the act and desecrate it even in marriage because a shroud has been put around it.

Chinny, Purity in sex is not just in the act alone, not just in the body. Shey you know. There are many married people with dirty minds. Hence Jesus said if you look at a woman lustfully… “You should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God.” “For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, 7) This instruction was given to everyone, married and singles alike. It has become rather painful to see that when the issue of sex and purity arises, the married are often excluded. Being sexually immoral is about performing wicked sexual acts as seen in God’s eyes, having sex solely to fulfil lust, playing the harlot, performing despicable acts, adultery, rape etc. But for a man and woman who love each other, respect and honor each other (even before they share those vows) and are responsible and faithful to each other, I don’t see any impurity in it. If that alone defines impurity, then something wrong is being taught somewhere. Chinny baby, you know my email address, hit me up for further discussion. I don’t want to clog Walter’s blog with long talk

Reposting this as a reply Sally. So dear Sally, The person who came up with sex being for only married couples is the person speaking in 1 Cor 7:2 “2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” To name just a verse. While we are entitled to our personal opinions, we are not entitled to our personal interpretations on the Bible. As life does not always work out the way we plan, you may see yourself deeply and meaningfully in love with someone and then it does not work out. Meaningful sex can still be sexual immorality. And no, I am not referring to only the unmarried. If it is really the love that is the most important, then why bother with the vows? Since the love entitles you to all privileges. Sweet, I do not know your email address. And I think it is alright to clog up Walter’s post on this. I’m sure he wants comments and a private discussion won’t be open to all who have seen this initial conversation. I do not have a grouse per se with pre marital sex, my grouse is attempting to justify it within Christianity.

So, Sally says there’s nothing like fornication or that pre-marital sex isn’t forbidden in the Bible. I had a good laugh. First, because I know the “christian” blog you got that epistle you wrote. You really need to go back to the Bible and do a proper study.

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The images of one's mind are like snapshots of a camera. As such, this blog is like my album, a place where I store and show the pictures worth keeping. This is my take on the word through my lens and into the aperture of my mind, imprinted on the film of my mind. I wash the negatives and put out my mind snaps. :-)