Does Bill O’Reilly Give the Best Performance in Transformers: Dark of the Moon? (and 24 Other Urgent Questions)

*Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. Courtesy of Paramount Pictures.*Tonight, for the second time in five days, a movie about talking cars premieres in theaters. These cars, unlike their Cars 2 counterparts, have the ability to transform into talking robots called Transformers—the equivalent of humans calling themselves “Oxygen Converters.” The Transformers also have the unique ability to transform human currency into additional Transformers movies. As a service, we answer every question that you could possibly have about Transformers: Dark of the Moon.Q: Did you enjoy Transformers: Dark of the Moon?
A: In a sadistic way, yes.

Q: So Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a good movie?

A: God, no. It relentlessly beats the viewer into submission over the course of two and a half hours. By the time it’s finished, you’ll be lost in numb happiness. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a lobotomy.

Q: Does the movie have a coherent plot?

A: Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a clusterfuck of nonsense.

Q: If you’re going to be blurbed in this weekend’s commercials for Transformers: Dark of the Moon, what quote do you hope they’ll use?

A: “Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a clusterfuck of nonsense!” —Mike Ryan, Vanity Fair

Q: How many times did you think to yourself, “Wait, who’s that?” during Transformers: Dark of the Moon?

A: Fifteen times.

Q: What is the film about?

A: In 1961, a spaceship full of Transformers crash-lands on the dark side of the moon . . .

Q: Wait, you realize there’s no such thing as a “dark” side of the moon, right? There’s a far side that cannot be seen from Earth’s surface, but that side gets as much sunlight as the side that we do see.

A: You sound like someone who hasn’t yet seen Transformers: Dark of the Moon. By the end of the movie, trivial things like scientific facts, logic, and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s acting ability will no longer matter to you.

As I was saying, a spaceship full of Transformers crash-lands on the dark side of the moon. President Kennedy commissions NASA to begin work on a moon landing, with a secret mission to investigate the crash.

Q: Did President Kennedy commission the moon landing to find the Transformers before or after he commissioned the X-Men to fight in the Cuban Missile Crisis?

A: President Kennedy made his speech about going to the moon to find the Transformers on May 25, 1961. President Kennedy commissioned the X-Men to fight in the Cuban Missile Crisis in late 1962.

Q: How many degrees has John F. Kennedy rotated in his grave? A full 360 degrees, or just partially?

A: President Kennedy is now 180 degrees through his grave rotation. After the box-office results for Transformers: Dark of the Moon are announced, he should have made it all the way around.

Q: Who is in the spaceship that crash-landed?

A: That would be Sentinel Prime (voiced by Leonard Nimoy), a long-lost leader of the Autobots (the good guys), who has with him a partial supply of pillars that are used to create a spacebridge. He is originally discovered in 1969 by Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin and then later is rescued in the present by Optimus Prime. And before you ask, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin are still alive.

Q: Do either the real Armstrong or Aldrin appear in Transformers: Dark of the Moon?

A: Yes, one of them does. (Hint: not Neil Armstrong.)

Q: What happens after Optimus Prime rescues Sentinel Prime and the pillars?

A: A number of robots fight on-screen uninterrupted for approximately two hours.

Q: The marketing campaign makes a big deal out of Shockwave being in this movie. Does Shockwave transform into a gun like the action figure and like he did in the cartoon?

A: No, Shockwave is the giant worm that you see in the trailer. Also, inexplicably, when Shockwave transforms into a robot, the worm still exists. Again, by that point in the movie, you won’t care.

Q: Will Transformers: Dark of the Moon serve any purpose for society?

A: After watching Transformers: Dark of the Moon, even the most hardened of patriots will finally understand why the terrorists hate us.

Q: How many references to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon are there in Transformers: Dark of the Moon?

A: One.

Q: How many references to Megan Fox being a terrible, terrible person are there in Transformers: Dark of the Moon?

A: Too many to count.

Q: What does Shia LaBeouf’s character have to do with all of this?

A: Sam Witwicky has now graduated from college but is having a hard time finding a job. He has a new girlfriend, Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley), and a medal from President Obama for his heroic work in the previous two films. Sam eventually lands a job in the mailroom at a corporation run by Bruce Brazos (John Malkovich). At this corporation, Sam uncovers a very disturbing conspiracy.

Q: Does Sam discover the script to Transformers: Dark of the Moon?

A: No, the plot involves a human conspiracy of working alongside Decepticons (the bad guys) in order to secure all of the pillars. The conspirators include Patrick Dempsey and Ken Jeong . . .

Q: You can stop there. Please. Also, from now on, will you please only refer to Patrick Dempsey as McStarScreamy?

A: Yes.

Q: Why is McStarScreamy working with the Decepticons?

A: The Decepticons want to use the spacebridge to bring their home world of Cybertron to the orbit of Earth. Then they will use the people of Earth as slaves to rebuild Cybertron. McStarScreamy has been told that he will be put in charge of this slave-labor force.

Q: Who gives the best acting performance in Transformers: Dark of the Moon?

A: Tie between Frances McDormand and Bill O’Reilly.

Q: How are the film’s special effects?

A: You know the tagline to 1978’s Superman, “You’ll believe a man can fly”? *Transformers: Dark of the Moon’*s tagline should be: “You’ll believe a car can change into a robot that says obnoxious things.”

Q: What was the best scene in Transformers: Dark of the Moon?

A: There’s a scene that involves a group of soldiers jumping out of a plane over Chicago. Part of this scene was filmed using real jumpers equipped with 3-D cameras—with amazing results.

Q: Should I see Transformers: Dark of the Moon?

A: Probably not, but you will anyway. And you will leave the theater a less intelligent human being, but you will also leave slightly happier.