Posts Tagged ‘politics’

Addressing its gender gap among American women, the Republican Party now disputes women have a right to vote. “Yes, there was some sort of amendment in 1920” stated Justice Antonin Scalia, “and I suppose anyone who was alive back then would still be entitled to vote. But from a strict constructionist interpretation, that right does not apply to anyone born since then.”

Chief Justice John Roberts added even 92 year women “cannot just waltz into the voting booth. These prospective voters would need ten pieces of identification to verify their age. That would include their Wellesley yearbooks, notarized cotillion dance cards, medical records of hickeys from F. Scott Fitzgerald. A written note from their father would also be required.”

Election judges will also have the right to challenge the voter’s gender. “Medical probes probably won’t be necessary. A few cellphone photos of the appropriate areas should suffice.”

We have had a remarkably warm March in Chicago; the temperature has been in the 80s and I just killed a mosquito. However I have been accosted and overwhelmed by a far worse pest: automated phone calls for the upcoming primary. For the last week, we have been continually plagued by robocalls, and they are intentionally inconvenient and obnoxious.

None has said, “Hi, I am interrupting your dinner to tell why I should be your state senator.”

No, the calls would exclaim, “If you knew all the sordid details about candidate Drake Preenwell, you wouldn’t be able to eat. And he wouldn’t care! Why he probably would be laughing at you! Now, what kind of person would be making fun of you while you are lying in your own vomit? Certainly, not someone you would want for your state senator. And definitely not Drake Preenwell.”

“Paid for the Committee to Save You from Drake Preenwell.”

You won’t appreciate the annoyance; and you will be furious when that robocall is left ten times on your answering machine. And who will you punish? Drake Preenwell, of course. You may not realize it but the repeated attacks have nurtured your suspicions about him. Of course, you know that the call was shamelessly biased and ruthlessly distorted, but there still is that gnawing, visceral doubt? What if there some truth to the attack? Maybe Preenwell is half as disgusting as the robo-call said? Or a third as vile, or even an eighth as grotesque? Is there an acceptable fraction? You no longer trust Preenwell, and you are less likely to vote for him. So, in its devious way, the robo-call has succeeded.

For the last week, my answering machine and I have been subjected to canned recriminations by two democratic candidates for a congressional seat. One reputedly is a secret Republican, and the other is suspiciously criminal. Congratulations to the two: I now am repelled by them both. I intend to vote for a third candidate–who probably couldn’t afford the robocalls.

Dead for 32,000 Years, an Arctic Plant Is Revived

New York Times

Living plants have been generated from the fruit of a little arctic flower, the narrow-leafed campion, that died 32,000 years ago, a team of Russian scientists reports. The fruit was stored by an arctic ground squirrel in its burrow on the tundra of northeastern Siberia and lay permanently frozen until excavated by scientists a few years ago.

The scientists will next try this on Mitt Romney, but they are less hopeful.

Rick Santorum: Prenatal testing encourages abortions

Politico

GOP presidential candidate and former senator Rick Santorum sharply criticized President Obama’s health-care law again Sunday for requiring health-insurance companies to cover certain prenatal tests, because some procedures are used to identify abnormalities and “encourage abortions.”

“As President, I would only permit prenatal testing for cases of demonic possession. And I support the use of exorcisms as a medical procedure.”

2013: Popular high school cheerleader Mary Libideau informed her chaplain/physician of her suspected demonic possession. “Well, Monseigneur Goldstein, my morning sickness has this terrifying taste of sulfur, Manichaeism and Voltaire.” She was the 8th teenager this month with those exact symptoms. The high school did have an AP History class. Monseigneur Doctor Goldstein really appreciated the originality of the MBA who insisted that her stomach growls sounded like the bass from Gounod’s “Faust.”

But the doctor dutifully filled out the paperwork for the teenager’s exorcism, identifying the umbilical cord as a tail.

Santorum Demonstrates the Value of Home Schooling

“The idea that the Crusades and the fight of Christendom against Islam is somehow an aggression on our part is absolutely anti-historical,” former Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA) told a South Carolina audience. “And that is what the perception is by the American left who hates Christendom.”

Referring to the “American left,” Santorum observed: “They hate Western civilization at the core. That’s the problem.” Santorum also suggested that American involvement in the Middle East is part of our “core American values.”

Jerusalem, 1099: While the European crusaders were slaughtering the city’s Moslems, Jews and Greek Orthodox, the American crusaders were distributing Hershey bars. The chroniclers noted the severed hands clutching the candy and found melted chocolate among the ashes of synagogues and mosques. But with his winning All-American smile Sir Kilroy gushed, “That Hershey bar makes a great last meal.”

“I think that it is essential to instill in America’s children the principles and practices of capitalism,” Newt Gingrich exclaimed as he was being led away in handcuffs for stealing cookies from Girl Scouts. His latest legal problems have somewhat eroded his lead as the Republican frontrunner. He is now fourth behind Eczema and Mitt Romney. The new frontrunner is the late Natalie Wood.

Conservatives have rallied behind her, asserting that she exemplifies their bare bones approach to government. In response to concerns about Ms. Wood’s health, her supporters note that she is as articulate as Herman Cain, and certainly more animate than Mr. Romney. Ms. Wood’s performance in “West Side Story’ has raised the question that she was an illegal alien. However, Anne Coulter could reassure her audience that “Puerto Ricans are legal. We own them. Besides, that Maria character was not really Hispanic, just some gay Jews’ idea of one.”

The truth can always be improved. We see it all the time in ads for films. For example, let’s say the movie reviewer writes, “Once again that puerile bore Adam Sandler attempts to be funny.” The ads for the movie will quote this from the review:”funny.” That may be slightly out-of-context but the quote is technically correct.

Now the same creative technique is being applied to political ads. Your newspaper may have written, “In his proposal to outlaw any sexual position he can’t spell, Congressman Wendell Gopper reveals himself an execrable buffoon”. The television ads for Gopper will quote the newspaper praising Gopper as “able” and “buff.”

There are other ways to create such quotes. Gopper’s campaign could put an ad in the singles’ section saying, “I am looking for the type of person who thinks that Wendell Gopper is a brilliant statesman and God’s gift to our district.” Since it is in the newspaper, Gopper’s TV ads have every right to quote “the brilliant statesman” bit. So what if it wasn’t exactly on the editorial page!

Of course, the same creativity can be applied to negative ads. The Gopper staff, remembering to use blank stationery, could submit this letter to the newspaper. “It is long overdue that candidate Drake Preenwell deny that he is a necrophile.” If the letter is published, then it is technically a quote. And the Gopper TV ads will publicize the line as if it were a Pulitzer Prize-winning pronouncement.

But what if the letter is not published? There is a way around that.

Show an unflattering picture of Drake Preenwell. The ad’s voiceover begins and the following words appear on the screen:

The Republicans were looking for a way to avoid having Commandude Bush at their convention. No one actually threatened him. Sarah Palin’s offer to kill and skin Barney actually was her idea of a gift. But there were subtle efforts to discourage his presence. They never made clear whether the convention would be in St. Paul or Sao Paolo; and by a slight misunderstanding, the convention schedule sent to the White House was based on the Julian Calendar.

With the threat of Hurricane Gustav, however, the Republican Convention will understand if the President now is too busy to attend. And, if the Hurricane had not been so convenient, the Republican National Committee would have wanted the President to remain in Washington to monitor reports of a Persian Army massing to attack Greece.

The Second Syllable of Addiction

Joseph Biden was speaking, but the news scrolling on the bottom of the television screen had the real story. David Duchovy is going into rehab to be treated for sex addiction! This news item was so important that CNN spelled every word correctly. (A few days earlier, the CNN scroll reported that Chris Katten “seperated” from his wife.)

I have to wonder what is a sex addiction? I recently saw Mrs. Duchovy (alias Tea Leoni) in a film, and she did not seem the worse for his addiction. She wasn’t bow-legged. So what is Duchovy doing? Does he take public transportation just to bump into people? Is he auditioning for concerts with his baton? Is he looking for nude photos of his wife on the internet?

Having seen Duchovy’s attempts at acting, I am surprised that he is capable of any animation.

The Republican “Dream Ticket” of Maverick and Annie Oakley ended today when Alaska Governor Sarah Palin resigned. Palin had not realized that she might be expected to move to Washington D.C. “I don’t trust them cities with all their communist contraptions” explained the governor who had ordered the removal of stoplights and sewers from Juneau.

Palin even expressed her personal dislike of the White House. “It is not the kind of place where I can just open a window and shoot something.”

She also was offended that the Republican platform would not incorporate her Anti-Abortion policy into the party philosophy. “Unwanted children are an excellent source of meat” she insisted, offering the reporters a collection of her favorite survivalist recipes.

With Palin’s resignation and the need for another token woman on the Republican ticket, Mitt Romney has offered to change his sex.

The Republican National Committee has denounced Barack Obama for his “callous indifference to the history of the Jewish people.” This sharp attack was based on Sen. Obama’s revelation that he had not seen the last episode of ‘Seinfeld’.

“It is tantamount to denying the Holocaust” exclaimed William Kristol. “The series ended with Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer sitting in a jail cell. They could been awaiting deportation to a death camp in Poland. And did Senator Obama also conveniently forget to watch the last episode of ‘Friends’, not caring whether or not David Schwimmer and Elliot Gould might be murdered. What is Barack Obama missing: television episodes or basic decency?”

The Obama campaign denied the accusation, asserting that the Senator was a Trekkie and long considered the Vulcans to be Jewish. This explanation did not placate Senator Joseph Lieberman: “I’ve always identified with the Ferengi.” William Kristol remained equally skeptical. “If Obama really wants to prove that he is not an Anti-Semite, he should have an affair with Barbara Walters.”

We know that the White House ignores all the evidence of evolution, global warning and gravity. When the truth is inconvenient, and the facts are incriminating, one can find great solace in ignorance. There are times and societies where stupidity is a dogma. For example, in 16th century Spain the Inquisition regarded the practice of reading on a Saturday as suspiciously Jewish. And you know how the Inquisition dealt with suspicions. People can be as flammable as books.

And in our time, General Pinochet had similar suspicions for similar reasons. During his tyranny, Chile’s colleges were discouraged from teaching the Theory of Relativity. Albert Einstein apparently was not a practicing Catholic. (However, Pinochet was quite enthusiastic about the economic ideas of Milton Friedman, but then those people are so good at usury.)

Now lest I be picketed by the Knights of Columbus, I must mention an example of willful ignorance by Protestant liberals. In 1582, the Catholic Church presented an updated and far more accurate version of the calendar. However, Protestant England refused to acknowledge the improvement, as if there were a Jesuit lurking behind every page of the calendar. Of course, naming the calendar for Pope Gregory was not exactly ecumenical either. Rather than give a Catholic credit for anything, England adhered to the old Julian calendar. (Apparently, an inaccurate pagan was preferable to an accurate Catholic.)

Finally, in 1752 Britain begrudgingly adopted the Gregorian Calendar. At least, the American Colonies did not revolt over that; but it was a confusing transistion. For example, George Washington had to adjust the celebration of his birthday. The twenty-year-old thought he had been born on February 11th. According to the new calendar, however, he should have been celebrating on February 22nd.

And most of us will honor him today. The White House may still think that it is February 11th.

The truth can always be improved. We see it all the time in ads for films. For example, let’s say the movie reviewer writes, “once again that puerile bore Rob Schneider attempts to be funny,” The ads for the movie will quote this from the review:”funny.” That may be slightly out-of-context but the quote is technically correct.

Now the same creative technique is being applied to political ads. Your newspaper may have written, “In his proposal to outlaw any sexual position he can’t spell, State Senator Wendell Gopper reveals himself an execrable buffoon”. The ads for Gopper will quote the newspaper praising Gopper as “able” and “buff.”

There are other ways to create such quotes. Gopper’s campaign could put an ad in the singles’ section saying, “I am looking for the type of person who thinks that Wendell Gopper is a brilliant statesman and God’s gift to our district.” Since it is in the newspaper, Gopper’s TV ads have every right to quote it. So what if it wasn’t exactly on the editorial page!

Of course, the same creativity can be applied to negative ads. The Gopper staff, remembering to use blank stationery, could submit this letter to the newspaper. “It is long overdue that candidate Drake Preenwell deny that he is a necrophile.” If the letter is published, then it is technically a quote. And the Gopper TV ads will publicize the line as if it were a Pulitzer Prize-winning pronouncement.

But what if the letter is not published? There is a way around that.

Show an unflattering picture of Drake Preenwell. The ad’s voiceover begins and the following words appear on the screen: