Friday, October 17, 2008

No kidding, eh?

A flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The possibility of a McCain/Palin election is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they‚ll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O‚Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it‚s not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

„I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,‰ said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. ŒHe asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn‚t have any, he left. Didn‚t even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?‚

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. ŒNot real effective,‚ he said. ŒThe liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn‚t give milk.‚

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. ŒA lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,‚ an Ontario border patrolman said. ŒI found one carload without a drop of drinking water. ŒThey did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.‚

When liberals are caught, they‚re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for the Rapture.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the ‚50s. ŒIf they can‚t identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,‚ an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. ŒI feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can‚t support them,‚ an Ottawa resident said. ŒHow many art-history and English majors does one country need?‚