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'I've never wanted children, stop telling me I'll change my mind'

'In the end, every woman’s womb, and whether or not she uses it to bear children, is her own business'

By
Amy Lawrenson

18/02/2020

Phill Taylor

While many of her friends are now on baby no.2, Amy Lawrenson, 34, is finally opening up about her decision to be childfree by choice.

I knew I wanted to be childfree before I knew there was a word for it. I was a child when I figured out that I didn’t want to give birth. But deciding not to be a mother was a secret I didn’t feel comfortable sharing until much later.

I was sat on a large table with my friends and teacher in GCSE art class when we got on to the subject of having children. I sat with my head down, shading with dusty pastels, listening. Before long, it dawned on me: I was the only one who had never dreamed of having children. I admitted this, out loud, and it didn’t seem a huge deal. Then the teacher turned to me and said, for all in the classroom to hear, that I would likely end up old and alone.

'I have always loved the role of the kid and never aspired to play the mum'

Was she projecting her own fears? Trying to warn me? I’ll never know, but her comment stuck with me. I felt embarrassed and small and tearful, but I hid it, and from then on, to protect myself, I also hid my truth and leaned into the idea of adoption. A little white lie that would ensure future conversations about children were hassle free. I worried people would view me as selfish for not wanting children, and since adopting can be considered altruistic, I decided that was a convenient lie to hide behind.

The truth is, I have never felt broody. Perhaps it’s because I’m an only child. I didn’t grow up in a large, lively household and spent much of my childhood surrounded by adults, which I enjoyed. I’m also terrified of being pregnant and giving birth. A lot of women don’t love the idea of their body changing or the unpredictability of pregnancy and birth but set aside those worries because the urge to build a family outweighs them. For me, it’s like that intrinsic part that triggers a need to make babies just doesn’t work, or never switched on. And it would be remiss not to mention the appealing financial benefits and freedom to go anywhere and do anything that not having children affords.

I was lucky to find a partner who respects my decision. We started dating when we were 21 and have been together for almost 14 years. I’ve no doubt that my dating life would have been fraught with lost loves, torn apart by different family values (theirs to have kids and mine firmly not to) had I been single during my 20s and early 30s. All the boyfriends I loved before are now married fathers.

Eva Mendes apparently had no interest in having children, but when she met Ryan Gosling, she knew she wanted Ryan’s babies. Could I give birth for the sake of love? I’m not so sure, even if it was for Ryan Gosling.

It was about six months into our relationship that I dropped babies, or rather the lack of them, into conversation, hastening to add that I was open to adopting. Not only was he not fussed about having children but he admitted he didn’t even want to adopt. And so I slowly started to drop the adoption lie and own my choice to be childfree.

'What frustrates me is the suggestion that choosing not to have children is selfish'

I asked my partner recently whether being like-minded on the big decision of children had glued us together. I love him, but had the fact I found a man that didn’t want kids make me less willing to ever leave, fearful that I would end up old and alone? It’s a tough question, but he replied in his typically unflappable way: ‘Yes, it probably played a part.’

While my partner is on board with the decision to be childfree, my friends do find it odd. They call me the ‘baby whisperer’, as I love nothing more than looking after their offspring. At gatherings, I’m often the one on the floor playing with building blocks or making up characters to entertain the children. And therein lies another clue: I have always loved the role of the kid and never aspired to play the mum.

I’ve never wanted that responsibility. I got cats two years ago and that felt like enough of a commitment. But then there’s my parents. As an only child, I’m denying them the chance to be grandparents.

’As one of the few childfree women in my social circle, friends are often more honest with me about the realities of parenting’

Unsplash

My mum jokingly refers to the cats as her grandchildren and has adjusted to thethought of never having human ones. My dad worries I might regret my decision – he hasn’t told me that, as such, but intimated it when he asked once whether I had thought about freezing my eggs. While my parents and I haven’t discussed my choice not to procreate, they seemingly respect my decision.

As I’m one of the few childfree women in my social circle, friends are often more honest with me about the realities of parenting or the fear, responsibility and overwhelming life changes having a baby brings.

I tell them it will be okay, that being a mother is wonderful – and I’m not lying. Just because I’ve made a choice to be childfree doesn’t mean I can’t see how soul-enriching growing a family can be.

'As an only child, the chance of me winding up old and alone is a real possibility'

On the flip side, however, I have to sit through animated conversations aboutbreastfeeding, sleepless nights and childcare costs, while all I can offer is a smile and a top-up of wine, breastfeeding permitting, because, in one way or another, I will always be there for my friends and their children. (I do find strangers’ children pretty annoying, but I’m told by friends who are parents that this is not an exclusively childfree emotion.)

As an only child, the chance of me winding up old and alone is a real possibility. A while back, my two closest friends decided it was time to get pregnant and we got chatting about my decision not to. I was as honest as I’ve ever been, I said that the only reason I could think of for me to have children is so they would look after me when I’m old. ‘It’s too selfish!’ I exclaimed, ‘And they may not even like me enough to look after me then – it’s not worth the risk.’

Whatever happens, I think I’ll be okay. I have recently moved to Amsterdam for my partner’s job. I work from home in a new city, knowing only a handful of people, and it’s made me realise I’m good at filling time and chatting to strangers.

Of course, the connection is nothing compared with the deep bond a mother feels for their child; I know people say that they have never felt love like the love they feel for their children, but I’ve also had people be very honest with me about the fact they desperately miss their old pre-kid lives.

Having children feels like a huge gamble, especially for someone who has never wanted them. You can miss what you had, but you can’t miss what you haven’t.

Kim Cattrall once said she prefers not to be referred to as childless: ‘It’s the “less” that’s offensive – it sounds like you’re less because you haven’t had a child.’ She also pointed out there is more than just the biological way to parent.

What frustrates me is the suggestion that choosing not to have children is selfish. Some may say I’m denying my parents grandchildren, but would it not be selfish of them to pressure me into it, too? Yes, I have more time for myself and no dependants to consider, but I also have more time to devote to my friends, family, partner and work.

Kim Cattrall has spoken about being childfree by choice

Getty Images

Childlessness has been described as the final female taboo. That’s why using the term ‘childfree’ can help turn a taboo into a positive life choice. I’m childfree and proud of my decision, but it’s not the sole thing that defines who I am, just as being a parent isn’t what defines all mothers. We are so much more complex than the one-dimensional labels society assigns us.

I hope that more childfree women speak up about their choice and about how you can have a meaningful life without offspring. With birth rates in decline, society needs to become comfortable with the concept that there are women who are happy and fulfilled being childfree.

I spent the latter part of my teens and 20s bowing to society’s plans, feeling pressure that, if I’m not having children, I have to nail down my life purpose. Something meaningful to strive towards. Some days I still feel that underlying gnawing pressure.

’Being childfree is not what defines me’

Janko Ferlič/ Unsplash

A woman’s decision or deep urge to be a mother is universally respected – what I would love is for society to understand, believe and respect the innate desire to not want children, too.

In the end, every woman’s womb, and whether or not she uses it to bear children, is her own business. What she does or doesn’t do with her time – be that having children, carving out a career or travelling the world – is up to her.

As the childfree, we should be relishing the ‘free’ part, not weighed down by guilt or societal pressure. It’s about time.

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