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So while at work today I went on a visit with a coworker...she goes with me because the client is only Spanish speaking and she is my interpretator. During the visit she is speaking with the father and told me she would tell me what they were saying.....the mother wasn't there but I didnt think much of it cuz she usually isnt very active in our visits.

Apparently the mother is no longer living there...she moved out recently after the father found out she was having an A...he has since removed her name from the apartment, gotten a restraining order on her (she tried to come back one day and broke the window), changed the locks, and is filing for custody of the children.

Towards the end of the visit the mother showed up, and the father went outside to talk to her. ...meanwhile my coworker and I were trying to keep the little girl occupied, but she was looking out the window trying to talk to her mother and crying.

Needless to say this visit triggered me immensely. I left the visit and tried calling BH just so I could hear his voice.

I then went to lunch with two coworkers and began talking about the wedding of another girl who we used to work with....she is getting married in June and I had planned on going with one of my coworkers as her guest.

That wont be happening though. ...we were looking at her fb page and I noticed a familiar picture on her friends list. ...my XAP. Apparently her fiancee is his cousin....I texted her to ask how she knew him. I didnt tell her how I know him but now I am worried if she ever mentions my name....I dont know what he and is BW would say about me. ..I know they wouldn't say anything about the A cuz he denied it....but I am afraid they would say anything other things about me.

So I dont know how to handle this situation. ...and am just overwhelmed by all my triggers of the day.

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 993 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts

20WrongsVs1♀ 39000Member # 39000

Posted: 5:12 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014

You say this home visit triggered you. Isn't "triggered" an abbreviation for "triggered an emotion/feeling/memory?" What exactly did it trigger?

However, sorry, I find myself incapable of expressing sympathy at the moment anyway, because I have a couple of bones to pick with you.

I had planned on going with one of my coworkers as her guest.

This is the wedding of a former coworker of yours? And you weren't invited. So why are you planning to tag along?

I texted her to ask how she knew him

Seriously? You texted a former coworker, who didn't invite you to her wedding, and randomly asked her how she knows AP? WTF were you thinking?!

I didnt tell her how I know him

Good call, because, "Hey, I just noticed you're FB friends with this married guy I was fucking last year, behind BH's back. How do you know him?" mighta been inappropriate.

but now I am worried if she ever mentions my name

This would be a good example of something you worry about before you go texting people about AP. First step should've been, discussing your FB discovery with BH, and then deciding together what the best course of action would be WRT the wedding, contacting ex-coworker, etc.

You pretty much just broke NC by proxy. Is there any chance you're not worried that she might mention your name to AP, but actually a little hopeful that she will?

Totally agree with 20W. And if you haven't told your BH all that you did, you need to, stat.

Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013

Alyssamd24♀ 39005Member # 39005

Posted: 6:10 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014

The home visit triggered a lot of feelings...it brought up a lot of the feelings I had after DDay and showed me another example of a family that is now in turmoil because of an A....it made me realize again how much I devastated my BH....and how my choices also affected DD and broke up our family...seeing the little girl crying to her mother out the window reminded me of the day we told our 3yr old DD that mommy and daddy weren't going to live together any more.

Maybe I should clarify a few things...the wedding I was going to be going to is not for a co worker at my old job....it is a woman I worked with at my new job...we became friendly and I didn't get an invitation because I didn't work there or know her when they sent them out...but she had told a girl that I work with now that she should bring me as a guest to her wedding....I wasn't going to crash a wedding or anything....it was the bride's idea that I go.

I didn't know until today that she had any connection with XAP....when I first started working this job she told me where she lived...which is the same town xap grew up in....but I figured since its a big town they wouldn't know each other and didn't give it another thought....but looking at her FB today I saw his pic on her friends list....I really had no idea she was connected to him. And she doesn't know anything about my A at all.

May be I shouldn't have texted her and asked how she knew him, but I was curious...and I can't take it back now anyways. I did tell my BH the entire story when I got home and he was happy I told him. He didn't seem upset that I had texted her asking about XAP.

And no I am not hoping she will mention my name to XAP....I am worried about what may happen if she did. He told his BW and others that I accosted him and was trying to blackmail him...that I lied about everything and made it all up. So yes I am concerned that negative things may be said about me....I am at a new job and trying to start over, and don't want to be known as a lying crazy psychopath to my new co-workers.

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 993 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts

adriana1980♀ 41780Member # 41780

Posted: 6:55 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014

...my XAP. Apparently her fiancee is his cousin....I texted her to ask how she knew him. I didnt tell her how I know him but now I am worried if she ever mentions my name....I dont know what he and is BW would say about me. ..I know they wouldn't say anything about the A cuz he denied it....but I am afraid they would say anything other things about me.

Brilliant.... just brilliant!

Posts: 65 | Registered: Dec 2013

Alyssamd24♀ 39005Member # 39005

Posted: 6:57 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014

What's brilliant? I am guessing that is sarcasm?

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 993 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts

adriana1980♀ 41780Member # 41780

Posted: 7:11 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014

And no I am not hoping she will mention my name to XAP....I am worried about what may happen if she did. He told his BW and others that I accosted him and was trying to blackmail him...that I lied about everything and made it all up. So yes I am concerned that negative things may be said about me....I am at a new job and trying to start over, and don't want to be known as a lying crazy psychopath to my new co-workers.

So, why have you texted her in the first place? When you saw the picture of your xAP on her FB you just couldn't help yourself, could you?

Posts: 65 | Registered: Dec 2013

Stillkicking♂ 38246Member # 38246

Posted: 8:02 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014

So, why have you texted her in the first place? When you saw the picture of your xAP on her FB you just couldn't help yourself, could you?

I'm sorry but I DO NOT think this helpful, it is condescending and does nothing in the ways of advice. Yes her thought process was flawed here but not in the way your projecting. It seems to me that it was an act of self preservation, afraid of how she would look to this OP if they knew about her affair. Alyssa, if I am right then that in itself may be something to look deeper into, for you really shouldn't care how others see you, external validation, right???

That being said, trigger days really suck, and I feel for you, just remember tomorrow is another day to work on the better you.
Keep your head up and keep moving forward!

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada

adriana1980♀ 41780Member # 41780

Posted: 11:00 PM, May 14th (Wednesday), 2014

I'm sorry but I DO NOT think this helpful, it is condescending and does nothing in the ways of advice. Yes her thought process was flawed here but not in the way your projecting. It seems to me that it was an act of self preservation, afraid of how she would look to this OP if they knew about her affair.

Stillkicking, I have asked a valid, logical question. For the OP, an act of self preservation would have been to "quietly" excuse herself from attending the wedding once she found out that her xAP is likely going to be there. But she just couldn't do it. The desire of finding out how her former co-worker knew him was too hard to resist and the OP had to text her.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Dec 2013

Alyssamd24♀ 39005Member # 39005

Posted: 5:38 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014

Yes i did text her...and i did also say I shouldn't have done it....I acted first, then thought about it later....and now realize it was not a good decision.

Bh and I talked last night.....I see where I was wrong and realize now that this was a mistake.....another thing I need to work on.....I act first, rather than thinking about things first

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 993 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts

BrokenButTrying♀ 42111Member # 42111

Posted: 5:58 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014

Alyssa, I don't think you need to be told where you went wrong. You already know that.

With your co-worker being AP's cousin, things have the potential to become very awkward now that you have revealed to her that you know him but have not disclosed the nature of that connection. She may very well tell her cousin you asked after him and that you will be at the wedding.

Talk about it with BH and see what he thinks but maybe a preemptive conversation with your co-worker might be a good idea? Tell her you are no longer attending the wedding. Discuss with BH what you will say if shw questions your connection to AP and why you're not at the wedding.

Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters in R.

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK

SI Staff10Member # 10

Posted: 6:23 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014

Adriana,

BSs are not to throw 2x4s in this forum. If you can't offer support or if the topic is too triggery for you, please stay off the thread.

Thank you.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002

20WrongsVs1♀ 39000Member # 39000

Posted: 6:35 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014

I act first, rather than thinking about things first

This is the realization I wasn't seeing in your first post. Texting the bride was capricious.

In the future, how are you planning to catch yourself, before spontaneously acting without first carefully considering the ramifications?

ETA:

i did also say I shouldn't have done it.

Well...almost. You said

May be I shouldn't have texted her and asked how she knew him, but I was curious

[/boldCuriosity trumped good judgment. Ask the cat how that worked out.

But I do understand what you mean and thank you for your input....one of the things I like about this site is that I am forced to look at my actions in ways that I normally wouldn't....and I do appreciate when it is brought to my attention. Even my BH who knew what happened didn't see what was wrong with my actions until he also read your response.

I think if it were a random person it wouldn't be an issue lf I randomly texted a friend and asked how they knew them, but since the person IS XAP that makes it entirely different.

[/boldShe may very well tell her cousin you asked after him and that you will be at the wedding.

This is what I am concerned about now...I cant go back and untext her but hope she doesn't mention it to him (she isnt his cousin btw....her soon to be husband is).

[/boldTalk about it with BH and see what he thinks but maybe a preemptive conversation with your co-worker might be a good idea.

What kind of a preemptive conversation? I don't know what you mean (its early, I haven't had enough coffee yet)

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 993 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts

BrokenButTrying♀ 42111Member # 42111

Posted: 7:15 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014

Have a discussion with her soon about not going to the wedding. Decide beforehand with BH what you will say to her if she asks why or what your connection to AP is.

Me - 27
Him - 27
Madhatters in R.

My Ddays - Jan 2010 & 12/04/14
His Dday - 23/12/13

Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.

Posts: 1283 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: UK

KatieG♀ 41222Member # 41222

Posted: 7:40 AM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014

I think its positive that you have made some observations about yourself after this episode. But now you do have to decide how to handle the fallout.

The chances of her asking her husband or her husband's cousin what the connection is seems high to me. So you will need to work out how to handle that. The truth is better than anything else otherwise it all get tangled up, but I understand that it puts your new job at risk.

Alyssa, sorry if I got you in trouble with BH You seem to be looking at this as an opportunity for growth and introspection, which is great.

Discuss it with BH, you two decide together what you think is best. Personally I'd vote for no further contact with the bride (unless she initiates), and simply tell your "date" you have a scheduling conflict and won't be going after all. The bride has plenty on her mind and will hopefully forget about the whole thing. Personally I had trouble keeping all of my STBH's relatives straight at that point.

I understand your concerns about your name coming up now that you mentioned his name. Really though, from what I read you are new coworkers to this person and this is going to be a very busy day for her. I doubt that she will be thinking about how you know him. She will have so much to do, unless her future husband and his cousin are close I don't think it will come up. I think if you keep bringing it up she will be more likely to bring it up to him. I do think it is a good idea to have a plan in case something does come from this.

Met 1997
Married 2002
D-Day July 8, 2012

Who knows what went on?

Posts: 66 | Registered: Dec 2013

Alyssamd24♀ 39005Member # 39005

Posted: 4:44 PM, May 15th (Thursday), 2014

Twenty
you didn't get me in trouble. You just made us both look at it in a different way!
The bride knows I will not be attending.
I hope you dont all think I am that self centered that I think my name will come up at the wedding. .I know she will be busy with other things obviously. I was just concerned it may come up at some point in the future.

I guess sending her a text and asking her to not ever mention my name would not be ok to do.

"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"