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June 1, 07Hi Everyone,You are all so amazing, I can't really put it into words. I can feel, in my heart, your thoughts and the power of those thoughts. It is extraordinary. I am so blessed to have known all of you, experienced your joys and laughter. I am a better person for all of you.

I had the amazing joy of talking to our Miss Melia today on the phone. She is wonderful, kind, empowered, funny...Hearing her voice, and talking to her has helped me gain more insight into the past few days.

I am not ready to give up. My heart is not ready. My body may fail me, and I imagine that is what will happen, but I am not going to go gentle into the good night. I might be in denial about what will happen over the next few months, and maybe that is a way of coping right now, and I think for now that is okay.

I called the doctor, and told them I am still going to take my hiv meds, and for now use pain meds as needed at home. When hospice starts, I want, at least for now, to remain at home.

What my body does, it does, but hiv is not taking my heart or my spirit. It is going to have to fight me for those, and it better be prepared, because I can be a real bitch when I want to be.

Melia, thank you again. You were my angel today.

Christine

I've quoted all of your update so that no-one misses it in your edited original post.

Dear Christine

No need for thanks. You lifted my heart today too. You are a sweet, extraordinary and courageous lady. It was an honour chatting with you...and boy did we chat!

Looking forward to our next one...meanwhile, give some more thought to that 'goal' you mentioned.

Love & hugsMelia xxx

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/\___/\ /\__/\(=' . '=) (=' . '=)(,,,_ ,,,)/ (,,,_ ,,,)/ Cats rule!

The difference between cats and dogs is that dogs come when called, whereas cats take a message and get back to you.

Christine your spirit and light shine brightly for all of us to see...you make us better people just because we know you. It's hard to keep a good woman down as the old saying goes...and everyday you prove it.

What my body does, it does, but hiv is not taking my heart or my spirit. It is going to have to fight me for those, and it better be prepared, because I can be a real bitch when I want to be.

And they say we are the weaker sex.. ..your update cheered me up no end, thank you for keeping us informed, you know you have many supporters here, and everyone is sending you their thoughts and prayers...so many hands to hold on to.

I try to be an uptight S.O.B. during the daylight, but I read this post this morning at my work desk and I went numb for the rest of the day. I even had a meeting, then had to text-page a doctor with "u need2get ur ass in here & work on ur charts," because she's such a pup she has to be texted like a kid, but I was numb against the sadness I felt.

I understand that you might have felt ready, but if your heart is telling you to hang on, I am joyous for that!

Trek on, Baby, and keep telling us what's going on.

Quote

And they say we are the weaker sex..

Jan's words ring true, but I think weaker sex is when you only have the energy to say "F--- you," instead of pushing them off of you.

Be a duck. Let the water "roll off" of you.

I admire your courage to state what you are feeling, and even more for being a duck. You are an inspiration, Christine!

Like Creighton said, Dear Christine, You are an inspiration to so many of us here. When I was first diagnosed in '84 I was told I was gonna die. My shrink and I were talking. I asked her how long I had to live.

"Jeff ole buddy" she paused and looked me square in the eyes. "Expect to live forever." Those words were comforting me ever since. I hope it helps you my dear.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

First of all, know that you are loved here by every single soul.I hope you can let us form a circle of love and light in which you can feel safe to go.Think of it as a bright lifting energetic cloud that will embrace you, enlighten you and help you transit, when you are ready.We are all connected, much more then we can possibly know with our limited knowledge.

Souls, spirits, hearts and above all energies never die. They only let go of their earthen shape, our body.

May you find the peace and the strength to make your transit in serenity.

We will all follow sooner or later and be reunited, free of HIV.

Sending my brightest, most healing, humble energy

In love

Herman

I have already asked my lover JP to be there for you.May your transit be smooth and gentle. On your terms and in your time frame.

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Diagnosed in 1987 and still kickingKivexa (Epzicom),Tivicay once daily.

May the comfort of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ give you comfort through these difficult times. Just know - All of us feel your pain and sorrow. I just want you to remember this. "The grass withered; The flower fadeth, but the word of our God - Shall stand forever!" Just pray precious and I know God does answer prayers!!! We love you and I WANT YOU TO FIGHT UNTIL THE BITTER END!!!

I don't know what more to say right now. My hands are shaking and it is hard to type. I just wanted to let you all know things are not going well. I have decisions that need to be made.

i thought death would be different. More decisive, peaceful. But I find that it is not for me. The numbers, the lab results say one thing, my body screams enough, but my heart does not want to leave.

I don't know what to do. I am so tired of being sick, I've lost almost 20lbs in the past few months. A few months ago the doctor talked to me about doing things I have always wanted to do...do it now, don't wait. I wanted to see Disney World. I know it is silly, but I wanted to be a little girl again, and not be sick, and feel like magic and dreams are real. My husband made it happen. It was wonderful. I wasn't sick that week.

But it has gotten worse since then, more bad than good days. I didn't know if I should tell all of you. I don't want anyone to worry or be fearful.

I don't know what is the right thing to do. I just want it go away.

Christine

June 1, 07Hi Everyone,You are all so amazing, I can't really put it into words. I can feel, in my heart, your thoughts and the power of those thoughts. It is extraordinary. I am so blessed to have known all of you, experienced your joys and laughter. I am a better person for all of you.

I had the amazing joy of talking to our Miss Melia today on the phone. She is wonderful, kind, empowered, funny...Hearing her voice, and talking to her has helped me gain more insight into the past few days.

I am not ready to give up. My heart is not ready. My body may fail me, and I imagine that is what will happen, but I am not going to go gentle into the good night. I might be in denial about what will happen over the next few months, and maybe that is a way of coping right now, and I think for now that is okay.

I called the doctor, and told them I am still going to take my hiv meds, and for now use pain meds as needed at home. When hospice starts, I want, at least for now, to remain at home.

What my body does, it does, but hiv is not taking my heart or my spirit. It is going to have to fight me for those, and it better be prepared, because I can be a real bitch when I want to be.

I really don't know what to say, so I'll stick to what I usually talk about around here- clinical trials. I don't know in what city you are, but perhaps you may want to contact any of the locations handling Virionyx's PEHRG214 trial. There are 5 locations, Los Angeles, Miami, Dallas, Iowa City, and New York City. Check: http://clinicaltrials.gov/ct/show/NCT00385567?order=1 , and http://www.virionyx.co.nz/internal.aspx?mode=15&mast=mast7.jpg . I believe they had a compassionate release in the past which worked very well, hence their present trials. J. All my best to you, and hoping fervently to hear better news from you! J.

Most people, they think hospice/palliative care, they think last bus stop.

Me, I think of another team of health professionals, ace at managing complicated bundles of chronic symptoms - like fatigue, nausea, pain etc - & providing support for the emotional challenges that accompany, in whatever setting works best for you.

The fat lady, she ain't singing, throat's playing her up. When clouds seem heaviest, plan more trips to Disneyland. Or Sea World. Or wherever the most smiles are

I am saddened to learn about this stage of your life, but you're not gone yet and I am delighted to read that you will refuse to let HIV take your spirit. When I was diagnosed and the doctor told me to go home and prepare to die, for some reason I felt determined at that moment that no matter what I had to face ahead that HIV would never take my spirit. That’s our essence, and it’s untouchable.

I believe that not all power can be seen, and so I pray that you will experience all those “Disney” moments and more for as long as your body lets you.

I'm afraid that my voice will be lost within this sea of loving people, but I wanted you to know that my thoughts are going out to you, and your family. Coming to this stage in your life must be difficult, yet so fulfilling. Know that your loved ones will always have you in your heart as they are in yours.

My thoughts, my prayers, go out to you.

Be well, and be at peace.

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The reason angels can fly is that they take themselves so lightly. ~ Chesterton G. K.

I'm glad to see you still have fight left in you. Keep it up! I was hoping you'd be feeling better and you seem like you are even if it's just a wee bit. I'm also glad that talking with Melia helped and thanks her for posting your reply because I did not see it. I will continue to pump out my lil rays of sunshine just for you!

I have been out of touch on the forum for awhile. I am so sorry to hear how things are going. But I am happy to hear that you are still fighting! I will keep you in my prayers and send my extra energy your way!

Ty

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Help find a cure for leukemia, lymphoma, and other blood-related cancers by sponsoring me as I walk a 1/2 marathon as a part of the Maryland chapter of Team in Training. To find out more and to donate, please click on the following site: http://www.active.com/donate/tntmd/tswtntmd

Christine,Your courage, bravery and spirit are admired by all of us as you take on another of lifes challenges. Remember you are never alone. Be it family, friends, neighbors, emails from your POZ community forums pals, we are here to support you. For now rest, reflect and keep in touch with us.As Always, Clintoon

I was there when David went on hospice and the one thing for sure I learned from that experience was that giving up is not an option...Once David gave up and God help me I saw it in his eyes.....I knew it was only a matter of time. The power of positive thinking is now required. Dowhat you must to settle your affairs (I've done that already myself) but keep your courage and fight it sweetie. Even if you don't feel like eating....EAT.....even if you're tired and want to stay in bed....GET OUT OF BED AND MOVE if you physically able. CONCENTRATE ON THE POSITIVEand leave the negative for others to ponder. Give it all you have and then some..... And when the time comes and you'll know when it does...Embrace it as you would a lover. That's my advice... You're in my prayers sweetheart