Saturday, June 15, 2013

Actually, you don't have to...but if you hadn't noticed Google Reader is closing up in a couple of weeks and I am not a fan of Feedly so someone suggested I try Bloglovin and so far it's working pretty well. So if you're as much of a procrastinator as I am and you haven't figured out what you're going to do on July 1, give Bloglovin a try.

Friday, May 10, 2013

There's a woman sitting with her son in the cafeteria of the Children's Museum. She looks harried and distracted as she hastily sets out their lunch. Her tall, dimple-cheeked son with the blond streak in his hair is fighting back an overstimulated, tired and hungry rage. She's trying to keep herself from losing her shit. In less than an hour, they will be home and he will drag himself into his bed and rest and she will regroup. The woman glances up and sees our little tribe.

Little G, Ladybug and I are enjoying our meal. Little G is busy gulping down orange macaroni and cheese with a carton of chocolate milk. Ladybug is being her typical, reserved self while I unhurriedly nosh on a bite of my gourmet sandwich and check my email on my phone. I feel the woman's eyes on me and remember her jealousy. How could I possible be sitting here on my own with not just one, but TWO small children. How could those children be just eating and not throwing stuff or trying to bite someone? How come it is so easy for me? How could I possibly ever know what she is going through? She doesn't even know me, but she is resentful of me and my ease.

There's a woman at the playground packing up her things. She's given multiple notices to a tall, dimple-cheeked boy with a blond streak in his hair to finish up what he is doing in preparation for leaving. The boy has been playing well all afternoon, so the entire playground stops to glance nervously when he starts lunging after his mother, screaming at her and trying to bite her now that the time has come to leave. The boy's cherub-faced baby sister waits patiently by the gate. It is hard for the woman to keep back her tears. She knows she pushed it being at the playground so close to dinner time and after a rigorous day at school.

The woman quickly glances around between swings and jabs at her cheeks as she hefts the overwhelmed boy away. She is looking for someone. Another mother, perhaps. Someone who will be looking back at her knowingly. She doesn't find her, but she moves forward into the evening faithful that she will meet her someday.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Recently an internet friend of mine wrote a small piece on her blog addressing two things about her anti-depressants that truly resonated with me.

Here's a small excerpt:

… so much to say. Except, well, not. So, hey, let’s talk about anti-depressants, since I suspect that’s why I don’t have a whole lot to say.

I’m still on them. I have no idea at what point I have to cop to this being “depression” without the “post-partum” prefix...

Honestly, I feel like I could have written that entire statement.

It hasn't escaped me that aside from some bad poetry, there's been a pretty big radio silence here on this blog. Usually when people 'come back' after an unplanned hiatus, they spend at least a sentence apologizing for said absence and then either resolve to come around more or to dissolve their internet presence

I am not here to do either of those things, so don't quit on me yet.

Anyway, though I seem to be aimlessly floating around in this ambiguous cloud of writer's block, there really IS so much to say about so many things in my life. Not the least of which are my medication and how it has transformed my life; Little G's SPD diagnosis and how we are struggling with that and learning more about it every day; how much I wish I could talk to my former self about all of this - my medication AND Little G's struggle - so that I wouldn't have felt so lost, defeated and judged (I was actually convinced that I was less of a mother than women who's hard times with their kids seemed easier than mine were) and how my beautiful, little baby girl is no longer a baby.

There's so much to say; but aside from this small snippet, I can't seem to say much about any of it. Almost like the medication has whisked away the need to process things in favor of just not having anxiety or thrill over things in the first place; like my mind, which used to be full of thoughts both hauntingly dark and brilliantly bright with every vivid color in between, is now a vast, murky, gray swirl - like trying to grab a fleck of dust out of a water glass where every time you get closer, the dust flits away.

And I too am starting to realize that the "post-partum" designation of my anxiety and reactivity is set to expire soon if it hasn't done so already. I'd be more concerned over that, but I'm on medication.

So where does that leave me? I am unsure. This space has always been first and foremost a place for my voice because I do have things to say and I have always needed a place to process 'out loud' in a creative way. But if there's nothing to process, or rather, if there's a LOT to process but I just can't seem to 'get there', than is this space really necessary?

I don't know the answer to this and I have no sense of conviction either way. But I did at least have the words to process this here, so perhaps there is hope for this voice in the gray.

The inside of the flap says: The concept of a full bucket is an effective metaphor for a child's healthy self-concept and happiness, most often the result of the encouraging words and actions of parents and others who help a child know they are loved, valued, and capable.

The Ladybug and I read the book while waiting for Little G to finish his appointment and he asked me about it as he headed towards us in the waiting area.

I explained to him as best I could what the bucket was all about and what people did to fill our buckets (play with us, read to us, treat us kindly) and what we can do to fill others' buckets (be kind to them, treat them with respect, help them if they need it, etc).

Later in the day as we played in the living room, The Ladybug took a small spill onto the floor. I encouraged Little G to help comfort her and perhaps fill her bucket. So Little G promptly walked over to The Ladybug and started pretending to dig with a big shovel and dump it over her head. I reminded him that filling her bucket could mean helping her to feel better to which he responded, "Ladybug, you can be happy now, I'm filling your bucket with CANDY!"

Thursday, December 20, 2012

My husband has our car for the day, so I have packed up our kids and all of our things for the day into the stroller - the Ladybug riding in the seat and Little G standing on the "scooter". We are headed to the Boston Children's Museum. It opens at 10, but if we take the next train, we won't get there until close to 11 and then we won't have significant time to do all of the things I know Little G will want to do. So we leave early and walk in the significantly cold morning the .7 miles to the train station.

We are standing and waiting on the only platform that accommodates strollers/wheelchairs and Little G is throwing all of the weight of his 3.5 year-old status at me this morning and refusing to wear his hat or mittens, yet remaining very upset about the cold. Because he is whining and lets out a yell at me, I tell him that if it happens again, we are going home and he expresses his frustration at that statement, but settles down. The train pulls up to the platform and we bustle onto the car.

A well-dressed, older businessman seated at the door into the car touches my arm and says brusquely, "this is the quiet car."

I respond, "I know".

A few months ago they designated the car closest to the engine a quiet car. Passengers are asked to silence cell phones, speak in hushed voices and turn down the volume on electronic devices.

The man is persistant, "you can not be here".

"Why?", I ask.

"They can't be in here", he sneers, pointing at Little G and the Ladybug.

"They'll be fine", I assure him, pointedly. Passengers are waiting behind me to board. Little G has started up the aisle that I know I don't fit down with the stroller. People are stealing glances at us from their SmartPhones.

"I saw him on the platform. He can't be quiet", he continues to sneer, gesturing to Little G.

"You, have no idea if he can be quiet or not," I say curtly, my face starting to flush. "This conversation is over."

I enter the car further and have to call Little G back towards me. A woman gets up so that we can sit next to the window and the Ladybug can stay in her stroller. We are one seat away from the angry man.

"Little G," I ask, whispering, "The man who was speaking to mommy isn't acting nicely and he doesn't think that you can be quiet on the train. But I KNOW you can be quiet on the train. Let's see if we can prove that man wrong."

I ask him if he'd like a granola bar. He does. I locate one in our bag and give the Ladybug 1/4 of it to keep her happy and I say a little prayer that we make it to South Station.

The conductor stops by to collect our fare and tells me that the man has no right to tell us we can't be there. Only she has the authority to do that and there's no room elsewhere for a stroller, so we're fine. She apologizes that the people in the quiet car tend to jump on others.

We ride into the city and not one word is said from my 3.5-year-old son; not a peep is made from my 14 month old daughter - for the entirety of the train ride until we start to pull in to Back Bay. Little G whispers as we pull into the station, "Mommy, why was that man talking mean to you?"

"Little G, that man might be having a tough morning, or he might not be feeling well. Something in his heart might not feel right so he wasn't acting kindly. And that is ok. We can ask God to guard his heart and comfort him. And we can forgive him for not being nice." He goes back to staring out the window.

As the train stops at Back Bay, the majority of the passengers leave the train. One by one, they pass Little G and the Ladybug and I smile at us. A woman says, "don't let him ruin your day". She waves to us through the window from the platform as she continues on her way.

The train continues on to its last stop. It is only the man and us at this end of the car. As we pull into the station, he gets up and we start to gather our things. I look in his direction and say, "Sir?"

Nothing. He faces the door pretending he can't hear me.

So I continue.

"Sir, I know you can hear me and it is important for my children to hear me say this: we forgive you and hope your day gets better. I hope that you'll remember this next time."

He can not leave the train fast enough. Little G, the Ladybug and I wait for the remainder of the passengers to exit the car. The conductor stops by again to apologize and we head out into the cold to the Children's Museum.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

As are most three-year-old boys, Little G is mildy obsessed with the movie Cars and its star, Lightning McQueen. So when Halloween rolled around, it was not a surprise that he asked to be Lightning. I looked around the internet and only saw one Lightning McQueen costume that was fabric and got low ratings because it was floppy.

At this point in the process, Little G couldn't contain his excitement and kept insisting he drive it.

By far, the hardest part of this costume was getting the top of the car cut correctly with the appropriate angles so that it would fold into the right shape.

Once I added the hood, it really started to look like Lightning

2 coats of primer and three coats of glossy red paint!!

I made wheels in Illustrator, got logo graphics from a Cars listserve and printed them and mod podged them on.

I was starting to worry about how I would attach straps until I realized I had a cheap (less than $5) backpack from when Little G was at camp over the summer. I just cut the top and bottom of the backpack off and that allowed the straps to attach from underneath to the car.

Little G and his dad had such a fun time trick-or-treating that the next week he asked me to make him a Tow-Mater costume so we could go out and get candy from people's houses!

The only drawback was that our neighborhood is very hilly and many of the houses are up several stairs - most of them are up entire flights of stairs. My poor husband had to carry Little G up and down all of those stairs because Little G couldn't see the ground around his costume...oops.

The Ladybug got to represent Pixar too. She was Boo from Monsters' Inc. Sadly, she had a fever so she didn't get to enjoy trick-or-treating.

I keep joking that Little G is going to be Lightning McQueen for Halloween until he is 18, but really, the joy in his face when I showed him the final product was totally worth the hours it took to make it.

Monday, December 17, 2012

I drove Little G to school today like I do every day. Tires splashing through rain. Late autumn darkness shadowing the roads.

We spoke to Little G at dinner on Saturday. He is so young, but he listens. He hears. He understands.

We let him know that at school he might hear other kids talking about some things that sound scary. He told us an ornament was falling off the tree. We assured him that he is safe. He picked his nose. We encourage him to come to us or his teachers if he had any questions. He asked us if he could be all done so he could race.

I drove Little G to school today like I do every day. Radio tuned to Christmas music. A beloved toy for entertainment.

I reminded him that there might be a special visitor in his classroom like there was on Friday. The classroom parents have been volunteering to come in and share holiday traditions. He asked me if it would be a parent and if they would say something scary.

He listens. He hears. He understands.

I think the parent will share something fun, Little G. But if you hear something scary today, don't forget that you are safe and you can ask your teachers any questions you have. He tells me if he hears something scary, then he will turn and walk away from them. Walk away, Little G.

I drove Little G to school today like I do every day. The rolling drop off is barren. I'm the only one in line.

The head of staff is there to open the door and greet us. The daily greeters are gathered together behind him waiting for more children. They are teachers. Allies. They are the men and women I have seen every day at drop off since school began. I look at them and see. They are the men and women who would lay down their lives to protect my child.

The rain is pelting and dripping over the car. Bright yellow boots slide out merrily. He takes the hand of a guardian, a trusted guide. Have a good day, Little G. I love you. Bye mommy! He waves and I pull away.

Monday, December 10, 2012

As previously mentioned, Ladybug turned one in late October. I know it is such a cliché to say this, but holy heck did THAT go fast!!

The day of her birthday was gorgeous and we had good friends and family come over to help us celebrate.

And because nothing is ever simple in our lives, we also scheduled our two cords of firewood to be delivered that day AND our winter CSA pick up was during the party.

At least the wood delivery provided entertainment for the masses

uh...

...that's a LOT of wood!

Soon it was time for cake. Ladybug could have cared less...but her brother was stoked!

Interestingly, the last time I had a child turn one I mildly freaked out about the cake. I was just going to get one from the supermarket and when I saw that the icing was crazy red and blue balloons I panicked about the amount of unnatural stuff in the cake. So I figured I would make a cake and headed to the cake boxes. But then, once I picked up a cake box, I realized that the same stuff I was worried about in the bakery cake would be in the box cake mix as well. So then I decided to make a cake from scratch. Which is how I found myself on the morning of Little G's first birthday making a freaking cake from scratch with buttercream icing that he BARELY touched!!

This time around, I bought the box of cake mix and a tub of icing. I did end up making it into a mini-layer cake by baking it into a sheet and then cutting out three circles for the layers...but other than that it was just your basic boxed cake mix cake.

I'm so proud.

And now we have a series of pictures where you can truly see Ladybug's newly discovered I'm-above-all-you-people personality shine:

Oh look - my people have brought me food

this food looks questionable and is on fire

the older child is telling me to touch this piece of food

well great, now it is on my hands

um... ew.

thoughtasty...I'lljustgogetsomemore

I can't help myself! It really is quite delicious. The people in charge here have actually outdone themselves for once

WHO'S A LADY NOW!!??

Little G and friends were glad that Ladybug had deemed her cake worthy of eating. They were even more glad that mommy couldn't have cared less about the amount of dyes and crazy ingredients in the ice cream cake.

Yeah...that's blue.

Soon it was time for presents.

And eventually, it was time for napping and wood pike conquering.

It was a great day with family and friends and enough left over chili to feed us for another two days!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

As I have talked about often, when I have the day to spend with both of my kids, it is imperative that we get out of our house. As long as there isn't a major weather situation going on, I pack up my two children and myself for the day and we hit the pavement, choosing to either walk the mile to our train station in our neighborhood or to hop on a bus at the end of our street and ride the two miles to the subway station. From there, we can go anywhere in the city.

But packing a newly-potty-trained preschooler and an infant for the day without relying on the insta-storage a car trunk provides can be daunting if you haven't done it a lot, so I figured I would share my stroller basket with you all (note - clearly these aren't to scale):

5) Small, thin towel and bathing suit - one never knows when you might happen upon a sprinkler park along the way

6) Toys - I have a few, small inflatable balls that squish down very small, but are lots of fun to play with at our destination. Usually I bring along a truck or train for the older kid to use. He likes to have something to do when I can't be interacting with him i.e. if I'm feeding his sister

8) Uppababy Vista stroller with Piggyback ride-on attachment - my Vista has been a workhorse from day one of bringing our oldest home from the hospital as both of our children spent a month sleeping in the bassinets in our bedroom at night. These days, Ladybug rides in the stroller and Little G uses the ride on attachment. For the most part he walks, but we live in a really hilly area, so if I want to get somewhere quickly, he hops on his "scooter" and we're good to go. Combined with all of our things in the basket and my kids, the stroller can top over 90lbs (20lb stroller + ride on, 20lb baby, 40lb child, 10+lbs gear!) and I can still steer the stroller on our bumpy, city sidewalks with one hand. Plus, the basket is HUGE which is essential for being out all day. There's no way we could do these adventures without our trusty Vista.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Last week I told you all about the last two weeks of summer. Looking back, I can honestly say it was a magical two weeks. Oh there were lots of tantrums and other blips, but all around, we had a great time chasing the sun every day and I can actually say I am looking forward to doing it all again next summer, too.

As the summer came to a close, we got an email from our friends, 'Roberta' and 'Chris', who live in downtown Boston with their two children, the eldest of which is a year older than Little G, their youngest, 6 weeks younger than the Ladybug. Turns out their son, Wookie, was slightly obsessed with the idea of going camping. And while it was a great idea to try some backyard camping, they neither had a back yard nor any camping equipment (nor expertise for that matter, but who needs expertise for backyard camping?). Low and behold, my former roommate, 'Laura' and her husband, Grins Quietly, had a tent they could use and we had a back yard.

So we planned for the Sunday of Labor Day weekend to be camping out night and thus Occupy ____ Street was formed.

Laura and Grins Quietly brought their tent...it seemed so small at first.

First thing's first at the campsite, we need to inspect our equipment

Hurrah!! Little G's tent went up quickly!

Behold, the world's largest back-yard tent - seriously, do you see how it takes up the entire width of our back yard?! Note my husband's tent hiding out inside the North wing.

Hot dogs, veggies, pasta salads, beer, friends...what more could a camp out need?

The view of our campsite from above

The girls check out the action below...

Just what is going on down there that is so funny?

Oh yeah, the sleeping bag monster comes out to play - not pictured is when Wookie decided to use sleeping bag monster as a piñata

Soon the sun started to set so it was time to start our campfire

Technically, we aren't supposed to use fire pits within the city limits, but everyone does. The bigger issue for us was that our house is on the corner and a very ornery fireman lives caddy corner from us, so we were pretty sure he would call someone to shut down our operation. However, with a tent the size of a camper in our backyard, he never even saw it ;)

- - - Fast forward to darkness since the picture taker had to take the Ladybug inside to go to bed - - -

Time for s'mores!

This is my favorite photo of the night for Little G's expression alone! You couldn't find a happier kid..

...except for maybe these kids!

After s'mores it was time to get ready for bed. Daddy and Little G read a bed time story.

'Chris' and the Wookie in their tent-mansion

No camping trip would be complete without a pancake and bacon breakfast in the morning (which was VERY early in case you were wondering)

The Ladybug clearly was spent from all of the commotion.

Once the tents were all packed away, the boys decided to take over Little G's playhouse...it's much better than a tent - it has its own kitchen, you know.

Occupy _____ Street was such a great success (especially for me...I got to go inside and sleep in my bed all by myself). I'm really looking forward to this being a summer staple for us.