An attempt to get everything in my head in blog form - it's rather a mess as you might imagine!
(ObDisclaimer: These are MY views, nothing to do with my employer, family, friends or anyone else, MINE!)

Saturday, 15 March 2008

Beginning of the end

I don't know if I have the energy to write this and all the things I thought to both discuss with my wife and others seem to have left my head - I'm going to try and write as much down in my blog as I can as all the "great" ideas and points to make pop into my head and then vanish when I come to actually say them. I'll try and explain what happened tonight and maybe some of it will come back to me.

I got back and we (as a family) were going to have takeout and then I was planning to see my parents tomorrow with my son (not related to any of this) and my wife was going to go shopping with her sister-in-law (C - married to my wifes brother, also C - here on in referred to as C&C) and would be discussing everything that has happened.

I went to have a shower and when I got back, things had changed; my son was going to stay up at C&C's so that we could talk - C has obviously suggested some ideas to my wife, the main one being that we should go for counselling.

Before leaving to take my son to C&Cs my wife asked whether *I* was willing to seek counselling to help me control what I was doing. I'm not sure what I said but at some point my wife took it as no and stormed off. I explained that I didn't say no and she seemed to calm a little.

When she got back we talked more about counselling and what this would achieve, again we went over the same ground about the things I do like leaving bits and pieces lying around and talking about going out more and she said she thought this was a cry for help; this sounds now, when I write it like something that C&C might have suggested.

We talked more and both got very upset. We seemed to decide to split because I didn't feel it was possible for her to accept/be happy with my level of TGism now, e.g. shaved legs, arms, under-arms. She thought it would get worse as well, which may be true, and I also said I couldn't cope with feeling so constricted in what I do.

We also talked about the fact that we would not now have the 2nd baby we both wanted (and our son wanted), and again at that point I really couldn't take it - I said I would happily come to any arrangement to have a 2nd baby and then leave; yes, I know that sounds stupid but I know how much my wife wants another child and I feel terrible and guilty that this won't happen.

Obviously my wife didn't think this was workable and we talked through other things and eventually got to the point of needing to eat something.

When I walked out the door to go and get takeout food I really felt terrible and didn't want to lose my relationship, my family, everything. Again, I felt like the TG bit of me wasn't such a big deal and it wasn't worth the cost and that I could get by without thinking about it.

2minutes down the road and I'm thinking about whether I drive in a femme enough way ... at the local shop I saw a woman come in and wanted instantly to have her hair style and wear similar outfit and thinking how terrible and 'male' I look.

But when I got back I tried to say that I didn't want to lose everything and that maybe we should got for counselling to see if my wife can cope more with who I am. I asked her if she thought it would help her understand and accept me, she wasn't sure.

She asked me if I could limit it to once a month, and I asked whether she could still cope with, what she's called the "physical changes", i.e. hair free body, longer nails. She was not happy with that.

More talking along the lines of us moving in opposite directions and after that I'm finding it hard to remember what we talked about and what we really decided ... I think counselling with someone who is proficient in TGism. I think we decided that this would be good anyway, I'm thinking maybe as a way to work through even a split rather than an expectation of getting back together.

As I cleared away the dishes I realised that I am likely to lose my home, my family life, and everything that has been my life for so long. I don't know if that's what I want to do and I don't know if I could ever get that back or have it again. I wondered if I only got those things because that's what I was expected to do or I just wanted to fit in and be normal. Did I get married because that's what I thought I should do. Do and did I act like a 'guy' because that's what I thought I should do. What am I? I know I feel sometimes that I play a role ...

... in fact I was trying to talk about that with my wife, when I was trying to explain about not really being a typical man; I remember trying to be all confident/blockee with my first girlfriend (at the age of 24 - yes, slow developer) and feeling totally paranoid about sex for the first time when I had been cross dressing a month or so before this date - and had gone through the purging thinking that it was not normal and I should not need to do that or even think about it when had a girlfriend.

If only I knew what I was then, and if only I felt it was normal then as well. I don't really know what *I* should be, I know I feel like certain people when I do things I associate with them, e.g. (and this is an Eddie Izzard'ism) I feel like my Dad when I'm sawing wood and doing DIY things and that feels like a man thing to do. I actually don't want to think about or do DIY at the moment as I don't want to shatter the girlie facade. Maybe I just put things into too many seperate boxes - maybe it should all be me; I'm a DIYing, cycling, geeky, TV/TS/TG/whatever.

But that all still brings me back to the question of whether I should be trying to be me without restriction, where-ever that may take me, or if I should be trying to limit what I do to keep hold of things I don't want to lose. Or is this just delaying the inevitable? By staying is that just going to cause more pain all round?

At 35 (34 and 11months to be exact) what should I be doing with my life - should I be doing what I feel I want to do before it is too late or should I be settling for stability and family and maybe the prospect of looking back with regret - I already do this now, I look at myself and think how old and ugly I look, I feel better when I see Fiona looking back but I still look old and my skin is terrible and I'm fat.

I know that no-one else knows all the answers and I know that most of the above is unintelligible garbage which very few people (probably not even me) will read through again. But maybe I just had to write it (think I'll copy it to the blog as well since I can't think of anything else to say).

I know I was warned that this whole TG thing (at whatever level) can f*** up your life and make you lose everything ... I never thought it would happen to me and I never thought it would hurt so much.