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Search begins for superstitious reason why England lost

While some might legitimately blame tactics or team selection for under-performance, most will attribute losing to Croatia by not wearing their lucky underwear, with a rabbit’s foot stuffed inside them. The majority of England fans were relying heavily on wishful thinking and mysterious powers of a four-leaf clover – which is pretty much the tone of the UK’s Brexit negotiations.

Prior to the game the Government had ordered a blanket ban on opening umbrellas in doors and that all black cats were to be euthanized using an up-turned horse-shoe, attached to a piece of masonry. Hospitals also reported a rise in admissions for slipped discs, as many fans insisted on crossing their fingers, hopping on one foot, while trying not to blink throughout thirty minutes of extra time.

Complained one fan: ‘It’s all my wife’s fault. In the previous rounds I’d settled in my lucky chair, with a six pack of beers and a bumper bag of smoky bacon crisps. At the eleventh hour she swapped them to cheese and onion. Cheese and onion? What was she thinking? Seriously, I had a system in place that guaranteed victory. Cheese and onion! After that, there was no point in playing the game…or keeping the marriage together.’

Rumours of a Voodoo-doll wrapped in a St. George t-shirt, have been dismissed as a sighting of Tommy Robinson. One gypsy, blamed for cursing the team, explained: ‘It’s nothing to do with magic or karma for Brexit. There’s a simple reason why you lost – it’s because you’re England’.