"Why is it always Monday?", you wonder to yourself ineffectually.\n\n[[Go Shower|The first morning, in the shower]]

Douche pauses for a moment.\n\n"There was a murder last night."\n\n"A murder? What did they do? Has anyone been arrested?"\n\n"From what we can tell, the lady was forcibly given an enema, and then drowned with her own bodily fluids"\n\n"Oh how awful"\n\n"Indeed"\n\n"Show me the reports"\n\n"Here they are"\n\n"Now fuck off"\n\n[[Read the reports|The first day, report reading]]

You two strip off, and step into the shower together. \n\nNo sooner have you turned on the shower faucet than do you suddenly remember all of the previous mornings' conclusions.\n\nQuickly, before they have time to react, you twist Douche's arms around their back.\n\n"You're under arrest for murder most vile, Douche, you Douche."\n\nAnd he got sent to prison forever and ever and the world was a lovely place from thereon in.\n\nTHE END

You start to soap up.\n\nSuddenly it occurs to you, that Officer Douche must be the murderer. There's simply no doubt about it. You've never had a bad hunch in your entire, glittering, universally celebrated career. \n\nYou must, you insist to yourself, confront them as soon as you see them.\n\nSnapping out of your daze, you realize you're running late.\n\n\n[[Get out of the shower|The second morning, in the kitchen]]

What follows is a tale of neither predetermined tragedy or comedy.\n\n<<actions "The first morning">>

You are Detective Clean, the most respected and feared crime fighter in Mupuqolis. You are in bed, again.\n\n[[Get up|The second morning, out of bed]].

They tell you nothing new. You'll have to go down to the crime scene tomorrow yourself, you think.\n\n[[Head home, and go to bed|The first night]]

You are Detective Clean, the most respected and feared crime fighter in Mupuqolis. You are in bed.\n\n[[Get up|The third morning, out of bed]].

"Detective Clean, glad you could drag yourself out of bed today.", says Police Officer Douche.\n\n[[Tell her to fuck off|The first day, the news]]\n[[Ask her for news|The first day, the news]]

You fumble about with some soap.\n\nSuddenly you remember: Douche, that bloody murderous villain! \n\nHow could you have forgotten?\n\n<<if $date eq 1>>\nHow on earth did you end up inviting him back to your house? What's wrong with you? You wonder if you're not the city's stupidest detective.\n<<endif>> \n\nSuddenly, you snap out of it - you have work to do!\n\n[[Get out of the shower|The third morning, in the kitchen]]

"Why is it always Monday?", you wonder to yourself ineffectually.\n\n[[Go Shower|The second morning, in the shower]]

"No. You're a creepy fucker."\n\nDouche seems a bit hurt. You don't give a damn. You're Detective Clean.\n\n<<set $date = 0>>\n\n[[Go home and get some rest|The second night]]

You go to sleep.\n\nYou never wake up.\n\nThat's right: murdered in your sleep. The last sensations you recall are those of \n\n1: a sinking sensation in you bowels\n2: a putrid smell\n3: a striving for breath\n\nTHE END

You are Detective Clean, the most respected and feared crime fighter in Mupuqolis. You are in bed.\n\n[[Get up|The first morning, out of bed]].

.passage .snapback { display: none }

You lather up.\n\nYou haven't brought out the trash in a while - it's really piling up. As God as your witness, you will take it out today before going to work.\n\nSnapping out of your daze, you realize you're running late.\n\n[[Get out of the shower|The first morning, in the kitchen]]

You go home, cook some dinner. You feel tired, and ineffectual as a detective.\n\n[[Get some rest|The third evening, sleeping alone]]

Detective Clean

Officer Douche approaches you. She smiles.\n\nIt occurs to you that you had something to say to her, but you can't remember what.\n\n"There's been another murder. We still have no idea who it is."\n\n"Let's go to the crime scene."\n\n[[Go to the crime scene|The second day,at the crime scene]]

You arrive in. You feel a bit sweaty and stinky after a day stuck in a hot office with forms, and Douche isn't smelling so pretty eiter.\n\n"Lets go have a shower", you suggest as tactfully as possible.\n\n"Sure"\n\n[[Go have a shower with Douche]]

You pinch your nose.\n\n"Phe-ew!"\n\nDouche chuckles.\n\nYou're not sure how to read the scene. Shit everywhere. \n\n"Detective, we found one anal imprint on the floor over here. We're taking a cast right now. We should be able to use it to identify the criminal."\n\n"Any distinctive features?"\n\n"It has eighteen ridges"\n\n"Highly unusual."\n\n[[Consult with Douche|The second day, consulting with Douche at the crime scene]]

"Yes. Come over to my place after work."\n\n"Okay, Detective, it's a date"\n\n<<set $date = 1>>\n\n[[Go home and get some rest|The second night]]

"Why is it always Monday?", you wonder to yourself ineffectually.\n\n[[Go Shower|The third morning, in the shower]]

Garbage littered over the kitchen. Fuck it: you have a murder case to solve.\n\n[[Go to work|The third day, at work]]

You stumble into the shower.\n\n[[clean yourself|The second morning, in the shower, thinking]]

You sleep soundly.\n\n[[Wake up|The third morning]]

by Stephen Lavelle

You stumble into the shower and jab at the ... shower device - you can't remember the word.\n\n[[clean yourself|The first morning, in the shower, thinking]]

"No hints, leads, anything, yet?" you ask Douche.\n\n"No sir. Just more paperwork."\n\nYou look at the large vanilla envelope of forms he's handing you\n\n"It'll take me all day to fill out these"\n\n"You're lucky. I'll be at my reports on this case for the next month"\n\nYou feel a nagging sensation that there's something you meant to do, but you can't figure what it might have been.\n\n<<if $date eq 1>>\n[[Go fill out the forms|The third evening, on a date]]\n<<else>>\n[[Go fill out the forms|The third evening, alone]]\n<<endif>>

You meet up with Douch outside the office.\n\n"Thanks for meeting up with me, you're very special you know"\n\n"Why thank you, Douche."\n\n"You're such a sweetie, you know that?"\n\n"I'm soft at heart, it's true."\n\nYou drive home together.\n\n[[Drive home|The third evening, at home, in company]]

You stumble about into the shower -\n\n[[clean yourself|The third morning, in the shower, thinking]]

You sleep soundly.\n\n[[Wake up|The second morning]]

"We have no suspects, Douche?"\n\n"None yet, Detective."\n\n"Hmm"\n\n"Detective, would you like to go out on a date tomorrow night?"\n\n[[Accept|The second day, the date accepted]]\n[[Decline|The second day, the date turned down]]

Garbage is piling up, though you neither notice nor care. You have to get into work - you're running late!\n\n[[Head into work|The second day, at work]]

You glance about. There was something you meant to do, but no time now - you have to get to work.\n\n[[Go to work|The first day, in work]]