The Calendar of Postiness

LBN NewsNet Report: North Korea Launches Missiles

July 5, 2006 — The Luigiian

NORTH KOREA-Yesterday, the 4th of July, Independence Day for the United States, and possibly the most American day there is, North Korea launched several missiles into the Sea of Japan, narrowly missing Japan. One wonders whether North Korea is trying to convince America that it is for them, by destroying Japan, the U.S.’s mortal enemy, or that it hates America, by launching its missiles on the nation’s Independence Day. One thing is for certain: It has proven that all war has to do with sex. Its missiles are named Taepo-Dong II. That’s right: Dong. As in ding-dong.

Regardless of the phallic dilemma, the missiles failed, and many analysts say that the event proves North Korean President Or Whatever He Is There Kim Jong-Il is in a corner, not unlike a cat which is about to be forced to take a bath. These reporters’ conclusions leave this LBN NewsNet Reporter saying: Yeah, right. The United States did not drop bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki when it was in a corner, but rather, when its people decided that World War II was over. And the Americans were right.

However, that situation was different, because Americans are always right, and everyone else is always wrong. This means that the war probably hasn’t even started yet. The hideous Death Clown has not even stricken yet, and the North Koreans are already launching missiles. These events leave our reporter asking several questions:

What on earth is the Death Clown? (Answer: A clown that stalks children in the night carrying a balloon animal chain saw.)

When will President Bush recieve incorrect information from the CIA and accidentally declare war on Japan?