Thursday, October 31, 2013

It happened. All of a sudden. Out of nowhere. I had typed up a letter to one of my inmate suitors and printed it on my brand new printer and when it was finished I closed the lid of my computer, and went about my "vacation" (and by vacation I mean packing boxes and my allergies flaring up from the years of dust made from my love and life). Later that day I opened the lid and got the dreaded virus that was news fotter for a week. "HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA" appeared across my screen and that was the end of my post-radiation, post-cancer celebratory laptop my mother bought me as a gift. All that was left was a blank screen and my jaw galling to the floor.

I felt like Carrie Bradshaw when her Mac got the frowny face and she wrapped it up in her pashmina and brought it to be fixed. Luckily, unlike Carrie I had backed up my most important treasures on a fluke.

Well today I purchased a new computer loaded with Windows 8 and to say I'm unimpressed is an understatement. Why Microsoft would send computers out into the world without Microsoft word free is beyond me.

Let's face it. Most people don't use their pcs as their main source of Internet usage anymore. Most of us have smart phones and utilize them to do the mindless browsing and status updating we did before smartphones came along. I used my computer as a way of downloading and for printing pictures I'm too embarrassed to send to staples for printing for my inmate lovers.

I have a 30 day free trial of Microsoft office which should get me through until I can afford to buy just Microsoft word.

What goades me even more is that the sole reason I've avoided Macs (besides their insane price points) is I know pcs so well. Well not anymore! I had to google how to shut down my new computer.

But I'm at ease now that I have a computer to turn to. Especially mid move without cable. No, we didn't have the cable shut off. The people who removed the siding from our house managed to only cut my cable by mistake.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

The target guy saga continues. I deleted his number and all texts so I couldn't be tempted to communicate with him and he texts me. Part of me was hoping he wouldn't and part of me was hoping he would.

We had a short conversation this morning, he's on a bus headed to Jersey. But everytime I mention November 9th, the date of the Sirsy concert that I wanted to be out first date I don't so much as get a response.

So today I texted him again about the 9th, 2 hours later no response. So I texted him "if you don't want to go it's totally fine but let me know so I can find another date" and deleted his number again. The ball is in his court. And until I hear an answer one way or another about the 9th I'm done. I don't enjoy the chase, playing games and if that's what he's looking for he won't get it from me.

I mean how hard is it to say yes or no? I don't understanding making someone chase after you or keep them hanging. It doesn't set a pretty image for any future you might have with that person and it just makes them look irresponsible and careless. He's cute for sure but no Justin Timberlake and if he fell in my lap there's a good chance someone else will who won't need to be begged to go on a date.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

My week off begins. Although my management keeps referring to it as a vacation, last time I checked a vacion involves rest, not unpaid manual labor compromised of packin boxes and throwing away things...and some things you weren't aware you owned and aren't sure if they were living at one point.

I had a fairly decent day if you subtract the packing. I got my year supply of contacts which I am just over the moon about it.

On the man front I'm pretty sure I'm wasting my time with Target guy. The initial attention was nice but there's really no substance.

Sirsy, my all time favorite band is having a show ridiculously close to my house and I invited him on a date. He doesn't drive as he is from the city so I offered to pick him up and I could be the designated driver considering I don't drink in public and I can't get a straight answer out of him (pun intended). But I just can't stop texting him, baiting him, and waiting for his replies. I need to give someone my phone and have them delete his number.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Finally had our staff meeting today that was supposed to have happened several times previous today and what I thought would happen was exactly what I thought would.

After months of doing EXACTLY what I'm suppose to be doing and going above and beyond the job description and continuously cleaning and recleaning other co-workers messes and in some cases being the only cleaning anything we sit down at the staff meeting and the finger pointing begins...as predicted, in my direction.

I was thrown for so many unforeseen loops that it was as if I had vertigo again. Discussions that were taking place about me behind my back, an employee given permission to not clean because apparently one day I let a pan in the sink, and so on and so forth.

I was gobsmacked. Not because the tables had turned on me because being the newest staff I'm the easiest target and it's the most predictable of predictable actions in these situations, but by the boldly outrageous lies.

I thought I had left this behind with the daycare buisness but apparently it's all the same with just better benefits.

Once again I've been slapped in the face for doing my job my well and after this happening so many times in the past you'd think I'd realize doing subpar work garners the least amount of attention, positive or negative.

There really was no true resolution at the end of the staff meeting, other than my resolution to transfer the very day I can when there is an opening at another site I want to be a part of.

So in answer to my repeated questions- how many people does it take to empty a dishwasher? Just 1 and more specifically me. Who's duty is it as a team member to maintain the cleanliness of my consumer's dwelling? You guessed it! Mine.

Well I have from Tuesday to Sunday off. Let's see how everything looks when I come back. Probably the same want always does when I'm not working- like a bomb went off.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Well it would appear I jumped the gun and scared the aforementioned guy away.

It all seemed like it was going so well. I finally met someone in public who I was attracted to, who I gave my number to who actually used it who I spoke to on the phone for an hour last night, exchanged sexy pictures and even texted and spoke to on the phone this morning....and BAM! Nothing.

Perhaps the contacts gave me too much confidence to wield like Frodo with the ring (YES I did just make a lord of the rings reference whilst trying to convey that I'm sexy and worth it).

I just don't understand men. At all. It's not like I can use myself as a frame of reference. I've never met anyone like me ever. If I don't like someone I'm upfront about it.

I'm just a bit crestfallen. I thought maybe, just maybe my dry spell had finally let up and things were turning around.

No- I don't have lesbian tendencies. I didn't book a uhaul or expect any kind of commitment or anything really. The texting and phone attention were enough. And may I just say taking those sexy pictures was no small task. Between taking and retaking and retaking and retouching I was exhausted.

Bu this brings me to my first edition of girl code.

Today's subject- the predate

Don't assume because you meet someone in public whom you find attractive and give your number to who uses it is actually intending on doing anything with you. 9 times out of 10 your conversations will taper off and amount to wasted breath and fifer taps.

Also- don't even THINK about going to all the trouble of manscaping until the day before your date. To get all up in those nooks and cranies with an electric razor only to have someone suddenly stop talking to you throws off your whole routine. And if someone does come along after you have gone to all that trouble you can't go back and make it look all fresh again.

And DON'T go and buy condoms. You're going to look at the value pack you thought would be a good buy at the time and cry because you are SO not having sex that many times.

In conclusion- another one bites the dust, men suck, and I have a completely hairless nether region and 24 condoms for no reason...

Had an ok weekend. Finally got my room completely packed which has taken a lot of anxiety off my shoulders.

I won't lie. I got to the point where I was just chucking stuff so I wouldn't have to pack it. I feel like you get to this point where everything is a blur and unless something really brings back a memory you just get rid of it.

I went to target to get something...I can't remember what exactly. But I went to the only register that didn't have a million mothers with screaming children in their carts with half the store in their carts and this ridiculously hot guy rang me out. I asked him if he liked working at target because I did and hated it. It was like going to high school all over again but getting paid for it. They use to force me to wear a walkie talkie on my required khaki pants and I'd either take one that wasn't charged or turn it off so that way if they were looking for me they'd have to actually find me and I'd just pretend I had no clue that it was off. I pissed them off constantly. At the time I had the lg chocolate phone

that's main feature was being able to play music and I'd blast Paramore and put it in my ass pocket ass I was going around the store and I'd always put weird names on my name tag which didn't "fit the team standards" as you weren't allowed to stick out. I stopped showing up for work and 3 months later they called me to ask me why I hadn't showed up for my shift that day...I was like "um I haven't been there for 3 months..."

Well anywho I told me about where I work, how much I love it, the great benefits and asked him if I could give my number on the very off chance he'd even bother to call or text. I was pretty sure he knew I was more interested in him they telling him about my job.

Well a half hour later he texted me! I guess what they say is true. It happens when you're not looking.

He is so my type. His of some sort of Latino or Hispanic heritage, has stretched ears, tattoos and thisequestrian Mohawk... Makes me loins quiver.

I'm going to try not to get get too excited but it's nice to know I can give someone my number and they think I'm hot enough to text me.

I'm hoping he'll go with me to the SIRSY show next week. That would be a perfect first date. But we'll see.

The tension has been brewing in the house as the move gets closer. My mom and I got into an argument that's kind of neverending. No matter what I do I'm always going to be the irresponsible train wreck and that doesn't give you any motivation to do anything differently.

I'm 27. I can't continue to be treated like I'm 16.

I took a job I didn't want (but ended up liking) for the sole purpose of finally being able to payback my family for all the times they had to have my back, work doubles and double overnights to get over time. But I'm still irresponsible.

I've been drug free for years now, don't smoke, don't hang out at bars and I'm not promiscuous.

Today I am working a double but we have a Halloween party to go to.

I'll finally get to wear my animal hoarder costume that I made last year but never got the chance to wear because I had vertigo.

Here's hoping the party is fun, none of the animals I've attached to my costume fall off and I make it through the double.

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I can't stand most people but I mainly can't stand people who do things so they can judge other people.

The hipster/emo/Kurt Cobain wanna be pictured above with my apt discription decided to attack me via twitter like a high schooler because my ears aren't as stretched as his are. A normal occurrence among younger men who stretch their ears. They don't do it because they enjoy the experience or how it looks but so they can have one more means of measuring their activities so they can feel better about lacking in other ways. But note the ass above. If you look at his ears you can tell that they weren't even stretched properly. Notice the redness. And notice the fistula of the ear showing around the plug.

All he's done is ruinin his ears by stretching the wrong way so he could reach a bigger size sooner... And this approach could be applied to many other ways men handle things.

His ear lobes are permanately damaged and the lower part of the lobe, bright red, isn't receiving proper circulation and will eventually die.

I expect this sort of things from guys like him. What I didn't expect was that he'd bring my homosexuality into the bashing.

What that has to do with stretching my ears I have no idea. And then brining the size of my genetalia. ...again, what does that have to do with stretching my ears I have no clue. But if you're going to pick an insult I wouldn't lead with that one.

I just don't understand the purpose of doing something or believing in something so you can judge others.

Had he wanted to discuss stretching he'd know I'm no novice. I've been stretching my ears since I was 16 on and off. This time around after my previous experiences I've reached the largest gauge I've ever gotten to. My last stretching attempt ended at an 8 when I caused a small tear that wouldn't heal. Now I'm at a zero, 3 sizes larger. He would also probably gain some knowledge about what he had done and should be doing.

I do and believe in things because I enjoy them. Not so I can sit on a throne of empty monster energy drinks while spinning the latest my chemical romance album.

Today when I got to work I was 15 minutes early so I thought I would walk to wake myself up and get some extra steps on my pedometer (I had my pepper spray in the ready position just in case...Troy is just awful).

Well I was walking down the block and had to stop at a bus stop to take a drink out my water bottle.

This was a bus stop without a shelter so everyone was miserably waiting, smoking, busy looking annoyed, or texting. I took a few sips and this elderly lady approaches me. She had one of those charming roller carts that makes even the nicest dressed person look homeless.

She complimented me on my tie dyed sweater and asked me where I got it. So I told her I made it at a party the disabled person I support threw. She was very impressed and asked me to turn around so she could see the back.

She then looked at my face and complimented "my earrings". I told her thank you and explained that they were actually plugs made out of stone. She looked completely puzzled. So i explained I'm in the process of stretching my ear lobes.

Her expression completely changed. She proclaimed it was disgusting and that I looked like a negro tribe member and shuffled off as the black people at the bus stop gave her stink eyes.

I wasn't phased. She was elderly. But it just made me think that maybe it's not the youth and young adults that are to blame for making this world a worse place but elderly women and men like her who if there is even a slight difference that doesn't match up with the way grew up they write people off (or I'm this case compare you to a tribe member living in a by made of poo.)

I easily could have said her face reminded me of a ziplock bag filled with expired cottage cheese, that her Clairol home dye job didn't come out brown but orange instead because her hair is completely white underneath and that this savage could tell her what color to use, I could've called her a racist, told her she should look into a hover round because her waddling reminded me of a drunken penguin but none of this would have changed her mind.

I really think we need to look at the older people in the world who refuse to change or adjust to a world that's constantly changing.

I truly hope when I age I don't manage to get struck in the world tha was.

I mean how does that even happen? At what point do these elderly people become stuck and reject everything around them. And how do they continue to find those hideous polyester slacks?

I guess my main point is if you don't continue to evolve or even adjust a little as things change what will you turn into? The bitter old lady I ran into today?

I'm having a pretty awful day. Why? I can't really pinpoint it. My body just feels like every nerve is on edge for no reason. Well perhaps there are some reasons.

I had a double overnight last night which would throw the most with it person for a few loops. I went home, got four hours of sleep and slept until 1pm so I got absolutely no time to chat with my mom. I had to get up and go. I was so disoriented when I went to call my mom I checked my phone to make sure she'd be up and it was 3pm...I thought it was 8am.

And I have barely packed anything as the moving date gets closer everyday. Luckily my manager is VERY understanding and let me off the extra Fridays I signed up to work and all Friday I will be focusing on packing what I want to take with meand worry about what I don't last. But as I think of the things I actually want to take to the new house there are so few things I actually do.

I think my main problem was tha I started worrying about all the stuff I didn't want to take first which, as I've said before, when you've lived in the same house for 27 years, your crap pile qualifies for a 3 part hoarders episode. Friday my sole goal is to pack what's coming with me. Once all that's out of the way the crap can just be left. If I can get it all in one pile, great. If I can't, so be it. We hired a guy to remove all the crap we don't want (god bless him...he has no idea what he's in for!).

In other news- changed my phone case again. I'm totally an otterbox whore. Tried the lifeproof case and the idea is amazing but it makes everything so difficult. It muffles the ringtones and music if you play it out loud and to plug in an aux cable or headphones you have to unscrew this little plug that's almost impossible not to loose. So I've gone back to otterboxes. I got a pink cameo one. Why? I don't know. I don't hunt and I wouldn't say I'm out doorsey but it just struck me as pretty. Here's a picture of it:

It's kind of funny that it sort of meshes with my over lack of continuity when it comes to my style.

I finally got to see the heat. I bought it and finally got a chance to watch it. So funny. Very few movies make me laugh out loud but this movie rated very high on the I almost peed my pants scale. And the bloopers are hysterical. Melissa McCarthy is like my dream actor to work with. She is just ridiculously funny.

I managed to do something to the side of my tongue that didn't have the cancer and of course i am in panic mode again. If it weren't for zilactin B I'd be even more of a mess. It's the only otc oral numbing agent that creates a protective barrier and makes me think about in way less. If you suffer from canker sores you need to get this product. It's a little pricey but 1 tube will last you a while because you don't need much. The only truly annoying aspect of this product is the "affected area" has to be completely dry so you have to awkwardly dry where ever it hurts and then let it dry for a minute. Well when you're putting it on your tongue there is no way to make this process look pretty. Luckily I'm alone a lot of the time so no one is watching but if they do-fuck 'em. You try peeling your tongue off your teeth every morning because your mouth is beyond dry (think desert but even less moisture). You're bound to hurt your STILL healing tongue.

In other news: I have an appointment Tuesday to get contacts. I'm excited. It all depends on my eyes, there's always the chance you can't wear contacts at all, but I'm hopeful.

It really has nothing to do with vanity. I love wearing glasses. I'm just sick of having to keep track of prescription sunglasses that I can't afford to replace. And I'd like to just be able to buy a bunch of cheapies and keep them stashed everywhere.

The man on the phone said there's a strong possibility that if they have my prescription in stock I could walk away with them that day! Unless I don't pass the class which apparently your success is determined by your ability to put them in and take them off. I can touch my eyeball so hopefully it won't be problem.

I'm hoping I can get the ones you can sleep in so I can go to sleep watching tv instead of having to close my eyes and listen to the movie instead.

Well tomorrow my schedule goes back to normal. Hopefully I'll be less jittery.

Monday, October 14, 2013

I couldn't be more thrown off if I tried. I had a normal shift today but tomorrow it's another double feature picture show.

My body feels like it's trying to escape from me.

I realized just now that today is Monday. It's as if there aren't days anymore just one continuous day that cycles on and on.

(I think this happened today) I went to rite aide to get a writing pad because the one I've been using to write to the two inmates I keep in contact with was just too small and i had to use more pages. I also bought an energy drink and we'll get that debacle in a moment if I can remember.

So I get to the check out and I'm use to everyone who works there. The rite aide is up the road from me. So I set all my items on the counter and the manager gives me this weird look and I'm thinking in my head "awesome he probably thinks I shop lifted something and is going to make me spill the contents of my freshly organized bag (when you have no choice but to stay up all for 17 hours even the most mundane tasks seems like a lady gaga concert) but then he pushes his glasses back up the bridge of his nose and starts ringing out my items. I remind myself I have there reward card but not with him so he tells me to punch in my phone number which is actually my mom's he says "so are you going to the concert". I'm still in a haze on the better side of sleep walking and I startle easy as it is so I nearly jump and go "what concert?". Was there an impromptu concert at the car shop across the street that all the hipsters slapped their scrotum hats and flannel on for or is one of those boy bands at the mall with a swarm of Tweens hormanally awakened?

He says "in this moment". And I was like "yeah I am...how did you know?" He goes "because I can read" (holy breakfast club flash back where bender is going through Brian's "standard" lunch). And then he tells me he noticed the bracelet I wear I got the last time I saw them another time I was there.

Well a 20 minute conversation erupted, him ignoring all the silver sneaker club members behind me with their denture cream and off brand cheese puffs, and me wondering if I'm making any sense. I walked away only vaguely aware that he compared her to lady gaga and completely unsure if he was coming on to me because I was the one that brought up Maria Brink's huge jugs.

I get to Mr. H's house having sipped a little bit of the aforementioned energy drink and accidentally engage my religious fanatic coworker in a religious debate (I had to explain to this person more than once that being gay doesn't mean I want to be a woman no matter what the crusaders told them in their homeland and further insist that I am gay and don't want to be a woman...which I guess in retrospect I should've just said "yes I want to be a woman" because then I could've spared myself the highlighted bible verses they twisted (like all good Christians do!) to be about homosexuality and the repeated assurance to not worry. God will save me by me magically waking up and liking women in a sexual manner) and it was ridiculous. Mr. H wanted to watch the walking dead and I blurted out that I thought this was what the rapture would look like. Boy did I dig myself in deep. Although I did shut them up by citing the part of the bible that says part of the rapture will be the dead walking among the living.

Well the energy drink was a horrible mistake. Mr. H didn't want to go anywhere but bed and I had enough energy to lift two cars and feed a gaggle of new borns. So I just started talking to myself like a nut case.

Moral of the story- when you're running on 3 hours of sleep just don't talk to anyone at all for any reason and don't think an energy drink will do anything in your favor.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Finally! I've reached zero! No, not my pants size. Even when I lost all the weight when I was sick the smallest I got was a size 4 because that's what size my bones are! I could not eat for a year and probably never be smaller than a 4. I'm talking about my ears.

I've tried on and off for years to stretch my ears but always ended up getting a tear. The biggest gauge I reached was 8. Well a couple months ago I tried going from a size 2 to a 0 and it was a HAWT mess. I can't say they got infected. People always think their piercings are infected if they hurt or there is any discharge.

They just hurt but not a constant hurt. I could just tell my body wasn't having it. So I downsized back to a 2 gauge, did a lot of sea salt soaking and left them alone for a month.

Well I got ballsy this morning and tried again but with longer tapers. I was told stretching with steel tapers was better but I think that's what made my first attempt to get to zero a failure. The taper was so short.

So I used my longer tapers from my acrylic stretching set (a cardinal sin if you ask "stretching experts") and they went right in. I felt the normal pinch but no blood and decided I'd leave the tapers in all day or longer which I've never done before but hear for some people it made putting the plug in easier (another cardinal sin of the pious piercing community...if you're going to modify your body do it because you like it, not so you can sit on a faux thrown and act like you're experience is gospel. Every body is completely different).

Well on my way to work with the tapers still in that made me look like I had been staked by Buffy, I remembered when sitting at a red light in Troy there was a store that said it sold every kind of body jewelry. I was a bit ambivalent and wondered if it was even opened or shut down. Well I found it and went in and it was the Mecca of body jewelry.

I'm so use to havin to buy thing online and wondering what it's actually made of, if it's the right size, (the "steel" tunnels that came with both stretching kits I realized I was allergic too and probably only plated with steel which caused irritation not allowing the first zero stretch to heal)etc. and the man who worked there was just wonderful.

I only go to one tattoo shop, true tattoo because they aren't pious and every other tattoo/body piercing parlor I've went to are pious and judgmental. And my piercer got married and moved. I miss him dearly. He's done all my piercings but two I swear he has some kind of maid because with every piercin he's done on me they all healed at a much faster rate then the radicals online claim they should have.

Well anywho...not only was the store beautiful but the prices were amazing. I ended up buying these beautiful stone single flair plugs and these acrylic plugs that have skulls in them.

I'm definitely going back. Shopping online isn't worth the hassle and this guy was just so knowledgable and showed me anything I wanted to see, didn't make me feel like I should bow down for walking in, didn't belong or was a ease of time because I'm not masculine...like my dearly missed Keith.

Well I got to to work and the man I support decided he wanted what he calls a "stay at home day" so I went in the bathroom after having the tapers in for 4 or 5 hours prepared for the usual. Undoing the o rings around the taper, trying to push the plug through, causing a tear and having to start all over again. Well that didn't happen! I pushed the taper out by pushing the new stone plugs in and it was like my ears let out a happy sigh. Because they're made of stone they were cool and went in with no problem. It's as if I didn't go up a size! I'm one happy boy.

I know I'm going up to double zero at least but if there aren't tapers past double zero which I've heard are hard to find I may stop there. I'd like to get to Maria Brink's size but I don't know how big hers are. I won't go ridiculously huge though. I don't need earlobes down to my shoulders. And I want them to be able to shrink to a reasonable size and not have to go to a plastic surgeon to have my earlobes look "normal" if I decide to stop or don't want them anymore.

Headed for the second part of my double. An overnight! Whoopie! Another week where my head will be in a haze because I get out of the overnight at 8am and have to be back at work at 2 so I'll get 3 hours of sleep max. But this is the last week of the double trouble. I'm also going to stop signing up for Friday mornings. It's a lot easier to stay late than get up early.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

As we all know (unless you don't read my blog...in which case I guess you wouldn't) after years of writing Madonna off I finally gave her a chance and her last album MDNA really blew me away. Yes, my gay tribe, I know I'm more than a year behind as far as this album is concerned and behind from birth as far as Madonna is concerned but I have my reasons.

I stated a few before but unlike most of my musical tastes that compromise a myriad of "controversial" artists (that my mother swears I only like because they piss her off)I rejected her. I grew up around her music because my sister had her cassettes and you're an idiot if you are unaware of her completely. But my outward loathing of her (that has since been relinquished) began when the inevitable comparisons to Lady Gaga started and Madonna's outward attack on her started. I could see the surface comparisons but if you follow Lady Gaga from the start like I accidentally did you know they're truly nothin alike. If she's [Lady Gaga] borrowed or "stole" (which is a ridiculous term to use as there isn't one single completely unique recording artist out there) from anyone it would be Cher and Annie Lenox. If you go back and watch Cher's early days a lot of Lady Gaga's looks can be seen. Same with Annie Lenox. Both of which have respect and support her.

The main differences between Lady Gaga and Madonna is Madonna is an entertainer. Not a singer. Very limited vocal capabilities and if she sings at all it's too her own voice track. All the queens in the gayuniverse can deny this but watch her concerts, it's crystal clear. Lady Gaga is both an entertainer and a singer who will pull out a few accapella numbers.

The other main difference between the two in my opinion is Lady Gaga doesn't do things or dress the way she does simply for shock value. There's a thought process behind it and it can only be called art (yes! Even her meat dress). Madonna does things for the mere shock value and it's a brilliant buisness move. She's made herself cotinuely relevant by doing shocking things and having absolutely no continuity. Lady Gaga does have continuity.

But before the queens strap on their strappy spike heels and burn rainbows and crosses on my front lawn (crosses because of the like a prayer video, not for religious purposes) what changed my opinion about Madonna was for some reason I watched the MDNA concert and was blown away.

This lead me to buy the MDNA album (fucking edited because I could only find it at walmart where you can buy a gun and bullets but not a parental advisory CD) which I can't get enough of.

But there's one song that really struck a cord with me (pun intended). Some of the lyrics are on the picture above, the ones I find most poignant.

It just lifted my spirits and helped me look at things from the outside, something I don't excel at which my extended family can not only attest to but have substantial proof.

It really made me take a long look at all the actions I've taken In the past few months and in doing so letting the past go which I should've done in the first place. This song "Turn up the radio" made me realize I was holding on to more than expired emotional hatred and I wasted so much energy and pushed my family away in the process and gained what? Nothing.

Being able to look at everything I had done, felt, said, yelled, and typed while listening to this song made me realize what an ass I was and that if the other side of my family truly didn't care about me they'd have nothing to do with me at all. And I need to stop being so centered around my feelings and not only look at my actions but look at it from their perspectives.

No, I didn't get the kind of support I thought I wanted back then but then if I look at the otherside of my family's feelings I would have found all the answers a year ago.

Thanks to the Madonna's power of clairvoyance I looked at how I dealt with two of the most important people in my life's sickness and subsquent death. I tried to avoid it, to hide. Not because I was selfish but because I didn't want to believe it was happening and I couldn't handle it. Maybe this is where they were coming from too.

But there is no denying I was wrong. And I wish I had had this ability last year but perhaps without all the back and forth conflict I never would have.

I've already changed a lot (contrary to one once family friend's opinion). I stepped up and am working hard to pay my family back because of the many times they've had to have my back. I won't lie. Working a 63 hour week is really and truly hard. But it's about time they got to have things easy and if that means staying up for 17 hours straight to go home and sleep for 3 hours to go back to work for 9 hours then so be it. I'm not sick and I'm not a drug addict anymore and there's no excuse for me not to contribute what I can or even better more than I can.

And I also wolill say a very few number of coworkers haven't made this transition from child care and teaching to residential support counsellor easy or in some ways possible. One in particular who continues to make it more difficult for me in the most abrasive way. But it's worth it. I can show my family I care and I have their backs for a change.

Who knew Madonna could be used as therapy and self reflection and not just as background music for a gay bar where everyone is snorting lines in the bathroom and popping mollies and e like they're going out of style while having unprotected sex with complete strangers sometimes in the bathroom but usually on the dance floor?

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

I'm so tired. I mean the kind of tired where you ache and everything seems funny and sad at the same time.

All the days have blurred together...

During this overnight double feature I managed to watch all of After Earth which was good but nothing worth getting fired up about. I'll admit I watched it for the sole purpose of watching Will Smith who I've had a solid crush on for a decade and his adorable, although freakishly thin son added to the movie. He looks like a malnourished mini Will Smith and is actually a pretty convincing actor. I do have to say Mr. Smith had it easy for this particular film. He basically say the whole time and the very most his character demanded of him was acting drugged due to space age pain killers. I loathe his wife and daughter (her stupid song about whipping her hair back and forth caused a paint massacre in my 4 year old preschool classroom that I'll never forgive!) so I tripple checked to make sure neither of them were in the movie. His wife is just so on obnoxious for having so very few accomplishments in her flash in the pan career.

I also caught up on my inmate correspondence. For sending over a dozen different letters and to have only received 3 responses back (one of which was so poorly written I just couldn't bare to continue the penpalship...) is a bit baffling but the two I write to are very attractive and interesting. They're so thankful that someone wrote to them. One of the inmates I'm writing to's first letter made me cry. He said he hadn't heard his name called at mailcall in 3 years because he family gave up on him.

Neither one has disclosed what ended them up in prison yet but they're in medium security prisons so it's unlikely they Mansoned anyone.

People are always shocked I send letters to inmates. I guess because they committed a crime and got caught they're suppose to not exsist but I think most of us would be lying if we said we hadn't done something illegal and had the good fortune to not get caught.

One hour to go and I get 4 hours of sleep to get up and go back to work. Does it bother me? No. I've never been much of a sleeper but it sure does mess with your time and day awareness. If Miley Cyrus' album hadn't come out yesterday I wouldn't have known today is Wednesday.

Today after my four hours of sleep I work 2-10 then get to go home and get a good night's sleep and I think I'll reward myself with a little vodka and coke.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

I was checking the billboard music site to see if they had posted anything about the projected sales of Miley's new album and if soundscan had any information on how many hard copies were purchased today as the deluxe version is number 1 and the standard edition is number 9 respectively on iTunes.

Well I was more than pissed that the ONLY article I could find was about how her first attempt at a breakaway from Hannah Montanna failed and why. I've been saying this all along (& at times screaming this at the television).

It enraged me. Mainly because the article mentioned her last album, Can't Be Tamed (the album the subject of her first attempt and subsequent failure at trying to distance herself from Hannah Montanna) in passing glossing over why it failed so they could tear apart her new album.

It failed as a breakaway album because it was too close to her finishing Hannah Montanna and she had just turned 18. Her main audience, the Tweens of the universe who when I was younger dictated what was going on in music, but now have only mild influence over who makes the big leagues. Most teens and young adults weren't buying her music. And young adults my age at the time who were almost on the other side of being able to enjoy Hannah Montanna when it premiered were starting to move on.

I and a few co-workers didn't. We still watched the show, went to the movie (that I subsequently got kicked out of for being ridiculously drunk and offended too many parents with my musical outburts [they kicked me out but I managed to get back in within minutes by putting my sunglasses and sweatshirt on in the bathroom...missed maybe 5 minutes and my friend at the time wadded up my sweatshirt and stuffed it in my face everytime a song would come on so I wouldn't get kicked out twice]) and just enjoyed her because we were preschool teachers and our kids were obsessed with her, oblivious to the franchise's extinguishing flame and we were all just glad to have an actress/singer who didn't sing abou fruit or abcs.

But like with most anything if the majority didn't see it happen or didn't buy it it didn't happen.

So a divide is created. Adults, oblivious to their children's interests and oblivious to the fact that Hannah Montana was over and had been over are suddenly outraged as if this "shocking" "new" Miley was in fact new and this crossover to a more young adult/adult audience just came out of the blue to serve one purpose- destroy their children's already rotted and perverted drug taking minds.

Then there's people like me who saw the progression slowly happening.

And the journalist's review was just ridiculous. Reading it you could tell their only intention from the mention of a new album was to rip it apart whether or not the actual album was good.

Why does every music artist have to be some "understated" (but somehow smothered in the media) "artist" trying to make some impact, some dent in the musical universe.

Why can't we have albums and music artists who make music that is just fun to listen to?

Is the album jaw droppingly awesome? No. And believe me, this pop whore extraordinaire knows deliciously hollow and vapid pop when he hears it.

They are 4 songs that are quite solid, 2 of which have already been made singles and it seems to me like there is a lot of filler. But I think this can be attributed to the fact this is her first noticed attempt at trying to enter the adult music scene. You can clearly tell she's finding her sound and if she had kept it in the style of We Can't Stop I think it would have been a (what i like to call) "let it play" album. Overall I enjoy it. But it's not a throw away album.

Yes she's controversial, yes she's shocking but this is what I love about her because this is what I love about me.

And- too all the oblivious 40 something's and up out there MDMA/ Molly isn't new, teens and young adults have been taking it for decades. I took it in college a few times. Wasn't my gig. I'm already a highly strung person and don't need a pill to fan that flame, with the added euphoria or not. And Madonna named an album after it last year and Justin Timberlake sings about it on his new album. It's time to let it go. Because both her and i won't stop.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

I've been up since three and need to be up for work at seven to work until 2pm to go back to work at 8 pm to work to 8am to come home and go to bed until 1pm and then go back to work from 2pm to 10pm. ...when people say they're working like a whore...I don't think a whore has to work that long or do half as much as I do.

We finally heard back and we got the house in Mechanicville. I'm beyond excited. I'm ready to leave Clifton Park behind and embrace a true new beginning in an actual neighborhood.

I've been designing my rooms (yes rooms, I have the entire second floor to myself complete with balcony) since we first saw the house and I have a wonderful artpiece in mind. I won't give it away though in case it doesn't pan out.

Yesterday we went shopping for the new house. It was fun but equally exhausting to packing.

I found shelves that I think will hold my entire vinyl collection so I can actually get to them.

I got a new DVD/VHS player since mine bit the dust (still resisting bluray) and a new tv. My old one will go in my entertainment room.

Found these fabulously gay bathroom accessories and a pink fuzzy toilet seat cover and matching bathroom rug and some art.

I tried, once again to actually speak to my niece considering the entire fued has taken place online to no avail. It just has to be let go. I so badly want to share the joy of the new house and have her come over but I can't get through. But when I think back to when I was her age I wasn't easily forgiving either. I truly hope this will come to pass and things will go back to the way they were.

An inmate wrote to me out of the blue. Apparently his cell mate suggested he write to me but I don't know which of the inmates I'm writing to is his cell mate.

His letter had an approach I hadn't encountered yet. After the usual introductions and pleasantries he directed me to his Facebook so I could see what he looked like.

I did and was completely and totally blown away. This man is gorgeous. He hinted at the possibility of wanting more than a penpal but can one truly love someone or get to know someone well enough through letters?

I wrote him back, happening upon some Johnny Cash stamps at the post office which I found to be a cute pun.

We shall see if he writes back.

No I'm not dilussional. I'm not going to go drive to his prison and have a wedding. I'm just lonley and when you're as lonley as I am because so many have turned their back on you conversing with people in a similar but clearlydifferently shaped boat doesn't make it seem so bad. Lord knows I've done my fair share of things in my past that easily could have gotten me arrested.

Friday, October 4, 2013

You'd think after all these years of being apart I'd be over him. It's been 7 years since I was engage to Barish.

Once again I had a dream we were together and it was beautiful. It was so real, as if never went back to Germany, never stopped calling, never stopped loving me.

We were together at this church fair me and my family have gone to every year since I can remember looking through old records for my collection for our house. It was all so wonderfully perfect...guess that's what makes it a dream. I didn't want to wake up but, my beautiful dream, fragile as a butterfly's wing came crashing down when my boss called me to straighten out the schedule for the upcoming week.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

I can honestly say family has never come first to me until I lost my last teaching job ( my Mom has always comes first, whether or not she sees/knows that).

I don't know if it's something that wasn't wired into me or if it's because I was taught and retaught time and time again that you need to look out for yourself first because danger, real danger, lurkes around every corner and it caused me to only think of myself. Or if I'm just innately cold and selfish.

You would think cancer would have done the trick in making me realize how important family is but it didn't. I was isolated and the only person I saw doing anything for me was my mother. I was unaware of the things going on behind the scenes because I was bedridden and drugged up to the point where I was surprised I could move.

But when I lost my job and my family, my imidiate family (twin brother and mother) picked up the slack I realized how much I was putting on them and how important I really must be for them to strain themselves and work harder to make up for my unfortunate situation.

This, slowly, propelled me to start making the right decisions for everyone in my family not just me...especially considering there's a small chance my cancer could come back.

I guess that's why I find this situation with my extended family (my older brother, sister in law, and two nices [who I refer to now as my extended family due to the actions that have occurred or haven't occurred in the past year or so]) so frustrating and deeply wounding.

Everyone keeps saying it will pass. Yes, it will pass like the last time my youngest niece viscously attacked me...they'll act like it never happened and everyone will move on...no one will heal...it will just go ignored with nothing learned and nothing gained. And I can't accept that.

If that's how this mess is handled like all the others they may feel fine but this hurt will not go away.

Family comes first for me now...and it has for my imidiate family forever and I just hope it truly will matter to my extended family as well.

I wish at a job interview people would be truthful about what the job actually is. But the. Again I guess that would require the applicant to also be truthful about themselves.

I have a HUGE problem with taking things personal and I'm sensitive to the point of an exposed nerve. I've tried to work on this for years to no avail.

It has made people take me less seriously and consider any feelings I have to be erratic.

But I'll never understand why in the professional world good accomplishments are ignored, unnoticed, or erased in favor of negative ones.

It makes you want to do less. It makes you want to coast and to not go above and beyond.

And it seems like when you do rise above or do more than is asked or make any extra effort you put a spot light on yourself and people just can't wait to tear you down so they can continue performing subpar.

And after all these years with more than my fair share of occupations you'd think I'd learn by now that doing anything extra or going above and beyond only gets you gone.

Guess this is what happens when you're raised by a good mother who give you good morals and work ethic.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

I set up an achievement board for the man with disabilities I'm working with. He has been doing so well lately and been working so hard I want led to implement something so he could focus on those good choices and achievements, even when he has a rough day. He loved the idea and is just in love with the board and can't wait to show his house guests and other important people to him all he's accomplished.

So since we just started this yesterday I thought I'd type and explication of what it is what we're doing it and how they can participate.

I typed it up and taped it to the front of the communication log we are suppose to write in about the day. I figured this would be the most effective way for everyone to see it

I come in a bit early today to relieve my co-worker who I know has a family and I just start putting my things down to do turn over and this coworker starts screaming at me about how I posted it on the front of the communication binder and because of that it took him 20 minutes to find the communication binder. And when I mean yelling I mean yelling.

I'm kinda taken aback and can't help but blurt out "it's the only binder kept out in the living area and it's the only bright green binder we have which you can see with or without my explanation on it.

I don't know why they tell you when someone is enraged to keep a calm voice because this seemed to only enrage this employee more. They persisted on yelling at me trying to get me to admit I've comited some horrible sin again where I work so I said calmly "I'm not going to be yelled at" and walked in the office to start turn over thinking it was over.

Well the employee took my explanation and he other explanation I posted and ripped them into pieces, threw them in the garbage and left slamming the door.

Dung turn over they storms back in and yell "can I talk to you for minute". I said sure once I'm done. I finished and they locked the door continuing to tell at me close enough to my face that I wish I had my pepper spray on me. I guess after they realized I wasn't goin to say I didn't anything wrong they finally actually left.

I was shocked. And quite shaken but was worse was th brunt of this verbal abuse took place in front of the man I support. He was equally terrified and it basically ruined th whole day.

You try to do something nice, to add to these people's lives and you winde up with people who clearly are only there for the paycheck.

I'm In this line of work to make a difference. Not quibble over paper and have a toddler like tantrum over it.

I seriously can't wait for the staff meeting. I'm letting it all out and not apologizing.