Life in the Shadows

Published on September 27, 2016

SYCAMORE SHADOWS, Ohio. Curly Dowd, plumber, says the finest scent in the world is a toilet fresh out of the box.According to Curly, each toilet has a unique scent. He will not install a toilet until he puts his head inside for a moment. “You have to smell a commode before you fasten the tank,” he says, “because your nose should be facing the rear of the bowl and you have to lean over it from the back. You can’t do that when the tank is on—your neck isn’t long enough.”

Happy squirrel season.

Leena Freeman has completed the scrapbook of her missionary trip to Buffalo and will lend it to anyone who is interested. Please don’t eat while viewing it.

Leena Freeman also needs someone to trim two inches off her bar stools. They are too high for her new table and she has already spilled two glasses of expensive whiskey.

Cleb Bowman sewed nine new buttons on his union suit and because the buttons were sold in packs of eight, he has seven buttons remaining, which he will give to anyone needing them. Bowman wonders why we have a Bureau of Standards.

Wid Coulter says he learned how to pronounce “Duc de La Rochefoucauld” during his recent trip to Oklahoma and wants to know if anyone is interested in French history so he can use it in a conversation.

Oris Hocket says his TV menu is stuck and wants to know if someone can either change it for him or teach him Spanish.

Edna Minzel says she was changing the doilies in the guest room yesterday when a chickadee landed on the window sill and looked at her with the same expression as that of her late husband, Jacob. Despite all indications in the scriptures that husbands do not return as songbirds, she has been unable to shake the impression that the bird was some manifestation of her late spouse. According to Mrs. Minzel, “If it was Jacob, I’m mighty sorry for the lady chickadees. Mr. Minzel wasn’t particular where he got his sunflower seeds.”

Wilma Flair reports that she had her laundry hanging outside on the line, and someone turned all the clothes inside out while she was napping.

Otto Hopp wishes to announce that “Mourners Club” cards are available at his office. Each time you attend calling hours, you get one punch. Each time you attend a funeral and burial, you get two punches. If you serve as a pallbearer, you get three punches. When your card is filled, the Angel’s Rest Funeral Home will send a bouquet of flowers to the deceased of your choice.

Andrew Bollman, Postmaster, is looking for another one-legged man (right leg remaining) to share shoe expenses with. You may contact Andy at the Sycamore Shadows Post Office. Andy, what are the chances of finding another amputee with the same shoe size?

Happy Fohl, Sotty Hoff’s Pub, requests that patrons refrain from turning down the corners on the new menus. “Folks used to respect property in this town,” he says.