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3. tammikuuta 2013

Happy Birthday Mom!

Mommy and Me

Dear Mother,

Happy B-day. Today, it would have been your 62nd birthday.

You would be around the time of retirement now. Benefit of dying young enough - there will be no need to stress about all the changes that retirement would bring to your life, also no need for any big retirement plans.

Good for you, your are totally stress free.

Im lucky to have stress free mother. Not all of us have that kind of luck in their life.

What 'bout me. Hmmm...I remember you B-day - such a lovely daughter you have.

To be honest, I remembered it like 15 minutes ago.

At present state of my life I no longer consciously think you, mostly your absence, at b-day, d-days, memorial days and times likes that. Im still able to remember them, but Im not stuck with them.

I like my life in its current way.

Yeah, by the way - I found your diary, you wrote it when you were 13 or so - and no need to be mad that I actually red it . Agent history, say I.

But I wanted to tell you something, regarding the things you wrote in that diary.

You were 13 and wondering will you ever find your true love, will you ever marry and have children.

Well, Im no one to answer the true love question, that one you have to ask from yourself.

About the marriage, by time of 27 you were sure that you do not want to marry at all. You have me and still did not marry my father - quite a rebel act at 70's, say I. You truly did not believe marriage as an institution. I guess on that field we are kinda like. I got married, cause I went trough all the things that happened after you were gone and decided then to do things bit different when my time comes. But just like you I do not believe marriage as traditional institution, just like you I believe in love. Marriage for me is an act on companionship more than act of love - for me also, love is so much more.

Mother, Im thankful for you to teach me to believe in love it self and not any silly institutions as act of love.

But the kid question Im able to answer.

Well you have me, the slightly loony daughter.

The best one you could ever have.

Im proud to be you daughter.

And ever better, you did not only success to have me - you also have now a very beautiful and snappy granddaughter.

As it goes to having kids -department - my Dear Mother, you have succeeded.

So happy B-day once more.

I do not bring you any flowers or lit any candles for you this year.

I just write you this letter and tell you that I love you.

So much.

So fucking much that it sometimes hurts.

And that reminds me - I have also succeeded lately.

I went trough therapy, and now days when ever loving you or anything else hurts, instead of compulsively binging and purging I cry. After a few dozen of tears, suddenly it all feels a lotta better.