From One Mom to the Next

A way to help connect like minded moms (or not like minded moms) and provide a forum for inspiration, sharing, caring and love to help us get through the momentous privilege and challenge of Motherhood.

I love looking for kid friendly and easy treats, especially that don't have a ton of sugar. Pinterest is a great place to find ideas, but in today's post I'll share an idea someone in my local grocery store shared with me. Personally, I love sugar but I'd like to give my kids a chance at eating some good food and not automatically going for the sugar filled snacks. But, healthy snacks are pricey! Just last week I decided to get these awesome tasting veggie sticks from the market that cost $2 more a bag than a bag of pretzels! Sheesh! I mean it really costs to put good food into your bodies.

There are definitely benefits to providing our kids with healthier options, so, despite the added expense, I try to provide healthier, less sugary, less carby kind of foods and snacks when possible and if it doesn't cost significantly more than the more sugary options, it makes me even happier!

Recently, while shopping at Trader Joe's, a worker gave me an awesome tip! She said to take the Vanilla Coconut milk and make it into popsicles, adding a bit of shredded coconut. I didn't have any shredded coconut, but got the milk and used it to make popsicles. They are great! Not too sugary, no added colors, just a simple frozen treat for the kids, and they love it! Plus, they can even help make the popsicles by pouring the milk into the molds.

Another idea I'm eager to try is freezing smoothies into frozen pops for them too...but one thing at a time, please :)

The longer I'm a parent, the more I realize how much I need to change myself. I see my own personality faults reflected in my daughter who is so much like me. Her perfectionist tendencies, her bossiness. I can't help but notice all of the negative things that I've genetically and externally passed down to her. How come I never really saw how detrimental these character traits were? Truth be told, our own self love overrides most thoughts of self improvement and I guess I've just been in denial all these years. Another aspect of it is that I've learned to compensate and somewhat deal with these issues, perhaps not to the full extent of changing myself but either being able to cover them up or just learning to work around them. But to see these things in a 4 year old. My impatience mirrored in hers, my controlling way of speaking reflected in the way she interacts with her friends and siblings. It is actually quite disturbing to hear the kinds of things she says sometimes. She is too young and too pure to already display these traits.

But there is also the possibility that these things are part of her nature and inborn tendencies.

Either way, as her parents, it's our job to recognize these things in her and help guide her to channel her mind and harness these traits. I am all for that and believe strongly that she will be able to conquer and overcome these challenges. The problem that arises though is how I am going to be able to help her. I still have these issues myself. Whenever I turn to correct her I think of what a hypocrite I am. On top of that, how can I possibly help her when not only don't I know how to help myself and therefore don't know how to explain to her about how to change, but I don't even know if I'm ready to change. It saps my energy to have this constant inner dialogue while trying to figure out how to help my daughter get through a particular moment or exchange.

On a more positive and yet equally honest note, being that she has these traits and tendencies at this age, is amazing because it shows how much potential and strength she has and how powerful of a personality she is. With the right attention and care, what an amazing person she is destined to become (and already is!)

I don't want to take these thoughts to become one of those stressed out parents with unrealistic expectations of my kids but being open and real about these challenges is always the first step to getting on the right track to creating an open relationship with ourselves and our kids which is always the best thing for everyone involved.

Well, something had to give. It was either going to be my commitment to work or my commitment to family. In the end, being given a choice to continue full time at my current position, or move on and not work in the company, I've chosen to move on. Initially I was so excited at the idea of becoming a stay at home mom again! Come summer, my two older kids will both be in school, my son for half days and my daughter full days, so that would leave me plenty of time to create, write, hang out with my gorgeous baby and just do whatever else. I had been noticing the subtle ways my kids were suffering from my being away for so long and how my own health has been majorly on the back burner since taking on the life of a part time working mom. This was just what I needed!

But then, while I started planning all of the things I'd now be able to do without work, the doubt started to creep in. They didn't just creep either, they bombarded me with all the ways I've failed at home with my kids in the past and in the present. I was reminded of the loneliness, the lack of a

challenge, the constant "Is this what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?" question that has popped up for me whenever I was out of work and home with kids. I love my workplace and especially the people I work with. I love that I've already gotten into a groove in many ways with my schedule and that I don't have so many hours to fill up in the day. It's much easier to figure out what to do every afternoon with my kids for a few hours than to plan a full day every day of the week.

Apparently, I discovered, this was not going to be as easy of a decision as I had initially expected. I asked for more time, and it tooks some tears of fear, a few conversations with my mentor, and hearing feedback from my kids and others around me to just come to terms with what I was really dealing with. In many ways I am still a bit afraid. I'm afraid of failing again, of feeling desperate to find a job again, of not enjoying my kids and getting depressed by all the hard parts of being home. The fact, however, remains that I really don't have much of a choice. I don't make enough money and am not in a real career type of work to make it justifiable to leave my kids all day. I really had a hard time because idealistically I want to be that baby wearing, farmers market going, stay at home mom who organizes herself and her dinners and feels healthy and all that stuff. But I also had to face that I'm not naturally like that. I have a hard time being patient with my kids or anything for that matter. I don't naturally enjoy playing kid games or doing brainless child activities. I always need to be busy with something, even if it's simple. Sitting on the floor playing doll house is usually just a precursor to a nap on the floor.

After thinking about it for a few more days, and spending the weekend with my kids, I just allowed the idea to germinate in my mind and my heart and allowed myself to be okay with it. I wouldn't be out of a job immediately so I'd have time to figure out my schedule and my attitude towards the whole idea. I also have come to recognize how absolutely necessary it is for me to be involved in other outside-of-my-immediate-universe projects, jobs, or people in a positive way to help me, as a person, feel fulfilled. Personally, after much experience with staying at home with my daughter and son, without work or without enough work, I know that I need the social - adult - interaction. I need that recognition of a job well done. I need to be forced to get dressed, go out, take a break from child-brain, and do something productive for me and in my own way.

After having this job for almost a full year, though, I can honestly say, "Hey, I tried both. I've worked solely at home, and part time in a 'real' job and now it's time to find a balance between the two." I don't think I would have had the guts to make such a change if I wasn't kind of forced into deciding. Definitely a sign from Above and a Blessing in Disguise and all those good little phrases.

With all that said, and my decision made, I really am looking forward to it now. I am determined to make it a successful, positive change and to do my best to facilitate it. So, I began a search for books on stay at home motherhood and surviving it. I didn't just want to survive it, either, as some of these books insinuate, The Essential Stay At Home Mom Manual was one that caught my attention because it has such a positive subtitle and it's written by a woman who is a therapist that before being a stay at home mom specialized in women's health and wellness. I felt that hearing ideas and guidance from a woman with such qualifications was worth and try and I'm so happy. I really didn't want to get just anyone's opinion or experience. In a way, that's what Facebook and Blogs are great for. I appreciate that she is a professional in this field, both clinically and as an experienced stay at home mom.

She starts off by trying to give all moms a break and a boost with encouragement, anecdotes, and at the same time, gives great advice on how to change our thinking about all the obvious drawbacks of stay at home motherhood that could bring you down. For example, the idea that we don't get paid as mothers for this 24/7 job. No extra cash, no paycheck and appreciation of a job well done. I love that she admits to that and writes at length about how it does hurt and it does matter to many women. After empathizing though, she guides the reader to a new perspective and view of the job at hand and what is important to value instead of the paycheck every two weeks. She uses some psychology terms but doesn't overdo it. It's really an amazing toolbox of ideas as well as month to month goals to get oneself in a better space physically, mentally and emotionally.

Again, I'm not getting endorsed here for promoting this book, but genuinely wanted to share this book with any mom, including ones who work out of the house, to check it out. You can click on the link above to check it out and to see the Table of Contents and the first few pages. I got a used copy for a few dollars including shipping from Amazon.

Go for it! You deserve to be happy and healthy AT THE SAME TIME as being a stay at home mom with your kids (or any kind of mom)!

So, I am an avid baby item shopper. I don't have tons of money, but like to try and get awesome deals and don't appreciate products that don't work! I am the "Queen of Return" too and will return an item if I'm not satisfied with it, unless I've already used it. I've always wanted to include some product reviews in my blog just to share with fellow moms just because.All of my kids have been suffering from bad hacking coughs for a couple months, and even my baby who doesn't even eat a lot of dairy had it too. If you 've ever tried looking for cough medicine for 1 year olds, you know that it's hard to find cough medicines for kids under 4 or 6 year olds. So, what was I to do?Finally, this past week I went to Target and found this Zarbee's cough syrup + mucus relief with a honey base so it's relatively natural, and it was safe for 1 year olds and up. Wow! I have to say that although it's a slow cure, it definitely has helped both my baby dry out her cough and lessen it a bit, as well as clear up some of me Mendel's mucus issues. I've also tasted it and it really does have a grape juice honey flavor so it's not too grose or anything. Both of them acutally like the taste. My 4 year old didn't want to take it, so oh well! The point is that I'm so happy to have found something to try and assist my younger ones in getting better.Mendel is such a picky eater that I am not ready to completely cut out dairy which of course would help, but at least I can try and combat it with something. I noticed that they even have one available for babies under 1 year old, that isn't honey based.Check it out! http://www.zarbees.com/zarbees-all-natural-baby-cough.htmlI'm not at the point where I get any money here and I'm not trying to promote any particular product, just sharing some good stuff that might be useful for other moms! :)

This is Mendel. He is two years and a couple months old. He is sweet and at the same time super mischievous, as I'm sure many two year old boys are. Mendel loves to play with his sisters and can in one moment be kissing his baby sister, Basya, and then next whacking her with his hand (of course, a more aggressive form of love, :D)Mendel is also my sensitive and soft one. He really wants to do the right thing, as most kids do, and if he doesn't do it right, wow, does he get affected!This is a true story that happened over Pesach one yom tov evening around bedtime. I was upstairs finishing putting the baby to sleep and on my way downstairs heard my father tell Mendel to be careful with the milk because it would spill. So as soon as I arrived on the scene, Mendel knocked over the milk and it spilled some on the carpet, some on the table, in h is chair and on him. I got all upset, slammed the milk down on the table and picked him up and put him on the ground. He then ran off upstairs and said "I'm mad!!!" I quickly cleaned up what I could of the mess and ran after him upstairs. When I caught up with him he said to me "I' m not good anymore!" As soon as I heard that my heart totally melted and I told him that "I'm sorry i got upset ,Mendel, I know it was an accident. It's okay I'm not mad anymore and you are such a good boy! " He started crying and I started crying and we were holding each other. I was so floored by his reaction and told him how much I loved him and apologized again. As I went to finish with my baby he went downstairs back to my father. Later on my father told me that when Mendel came downstairs he said "I'm good!!!" In a very proud voice.

This story with pretty much speaks for itself. I was fortunate enough to see my son's emotions unfold and be expressed right in front of me but that doesn't always happen. I do hope that this experience will help guide my reactions in the future with all of my children and help me guard my own emotions and words.

Thank you Mendel for letting e into your world and thank you G-d for showing me this immediate cause and effect of my parenting.

I really can't wait to get my ipad in the mail so that I can start taking normal pictures instead of the abnormal and fuzzy ones that my phone takes.

In any case, we had a really awesome first seder. I aimed to keep it focused on the kids and besides for both sets of grandparents joining us, we also had a friend of mine who's a single mom, with her 4 year old.

My mother had made the first few plagues with the kids using big construction paper and craft stuff on large sticks, we had plague finger puppets from last year, and I bought those awesome glasses for the plague of darkness for each kid in the dollar section of Target.

My daughter and son both dressed and ready for the seder sat so beautifully, drinking their kiddush grape juice and talking away. As my husband led them along the steps of the seder, my daughter followed along in her Haggada that she made in school and my son sort of used one that he had colored before yom tov.

They were so excited and when it came time to ask the four questions, my daughter stood up nice and proud and sang it so well! She looked ready and confident and proud as can be. She had been waiting for this moment. It struck me then how big she really is. Last year she sung it well too, actually, but this year, I could tell she was more involved and into it.

It made me realize though, that it's not just our kids that need that inspiration and hands on involvement. Truth be told, once we reached the story part of the Seder, I quietly excused myself and went to take a nap upstairs for about a half hour. Besides for being exhausted, I just could not sit through the entire thing and read Hebrew! I didn't even feel really bad because I knew that I had done my job as a hostess and mom. I also recognized that I'm no longer at a stage where I can just read, read, read without some interaction. My brain capacity and patience and very limited and I just wasn't up to it.

The second night, I really tried to convince my husband to skip a lot of the wording but apparently that's not really ideal. However, it did prompt a discussion on what the point of all the lengthy discussion was as well as how to make it more engaging and interesting for everyone, since the second night was filled with our families and friends, and quite a large crowd. With a mixture of my husband's speed and my summarizing of the different lengthy parts, we managed to make it pretty enjoyable. It was also good for me to notice that I was much more interested when I took on the role of explaining and summarizing.

As moms with busy lives and kids vying for our attention all the time, it's really important to find the ways that keep us interested in our family customs and religious activities and know that we can't do everything the same way we used to. That's okay too! But we do have to keep ourselves into things enough so we can pass it along to our kids with enthusiasm.

After not being able to make an update about my Pesach accomplishments, I finally am able to sit down and write. I am really proud to say that I did it!! All the shopping, all the cooking, all the cleaning. It was fun going to Costco to get a ton of fruits and veggies and we actually got a family picture in on Erev Yom Tov!

To take stock:

I cleaned the upstairs first, all the bedrooms and upstairs toys/clothes. The whole downstairs is kind of one big space so I had to just leave that till right before kashering the kitchen.

Then just made sure to toivel things and do last minute yom tov shopping for clothing, shoes, kitchen stuff. In the end it really came down to the last week before though. We finally decided to kasher the kitchen a few days before shabbos hagadol (the Shabbos before Pesach). So with a ton of help from my housekeeper, we cleaned the downstairs, section by section, delegated our outside porch to hold all of our chametz, and then turned the kitchen over. I got a new oven for Pesach also, which being that it's self cleaning, I think I'm going to keep for the rest of the year as well!

By Thursday before Shabbos, everything was basically turned over and I started cooking and freezing:

Then Shabbos Hagadol came and went with not too much fan fare. Sunday was a big cooking day. I ended up working on Monday, erev yom tov and the truth is, it wasn't even that bad. It was kind of nice to be forced to take a break from standing in the kitchen. The night before I just made the charoses, and eggs and left the lettuce, marror, and zroa until the end. I also pre-boiled some beets and potatoes so I could put together some beet and potato salads easily.

I actually was able to get my nails done and get a massage on erev yom tov and take a shower like a normal person!!!!

Although Pesach isn't over, since the seders came and went already, I definitely can say that my first Pesach was a success! I'm going to do a separate post about the seders just because they were so special in their own right!

What is it we are all looking for to satisfy us? Sometimes our expectations can really disappoint us. Some emotions can never be erased or just forgotten and one of the important ways to handle pain is by admitting it, sharing it, and then doing something to help us grow. I don't mean any of this as harsh or hurting and I hope that anyone who experiences a loss does not feel offended by any of my words below. Please feel free to comment with your feedback.

Some members in our community recently lost a shared love one, very young, and very suddenly. I think knowing these family members made this very real for others in the community who felt driven to do something in honor of her departed soul.

So we began a monthly women's gathering to learn Torah and inspire us. After going last night, it was evident that although many women came and perhaps enjoyed, wanting to commit for her sake, not many seemed to interested in what the speaker had to say or what it was he chose to learn with us. Now I can definitely understand that everything may pale compared to the loss and sadness felt by this woman's family members and so those women who felt that loss the most, may have been dissatisfied with this get together. And on the other hand, I think to myself that no class or deed will really satisfy the want and pain left behind after this loss and nothing anyone will say can help these ladies process this better.

We should however have in our heads that as long as whatever we are doing is done as a group, with more camaraderie, togetherness and sisterly love, in her honor, this will bring her pleasure from her seat in heaven and help continue the good work that she started in her community.

It is key that in whatever we do in her honor is done with a striving for more unity and love for G-d, His Torah and His creations. Many of us are probably wondering the question of "Why?" Why and How could such a thing happen and could G-d allow it to take place? No one has those answers and no one will have those answers. We can either chose to continue her strength and create a long lasting legacy in her honor, or not. We can still continue to question and challenge and lose faith sometimes, but the pain will never go away just by doing that. At least by adding in something good, one can know that there is something being accomplished that connects her to us.

I really hope that her good deeds and the fact that she no longer is here with her family will inspire me to do more and connect more with others and with myself in a more real way.

Do you ever strive for perfection? The perfect dinner? The perfect schedule? The perfect purchase? The perfect gadget? The perfect relationship? The perfect mommy?

There are advantages to perfectionism, as it usually helps one to succeed despite adversity, and it drives us to do better. But the question is always: At what cost?

Numerous studies have been done about the causes and effects of perfectionism on one's relationships with oneself, others, and especially with parenting our children.

It's one of those traits that can be both a blessing and a curse and that you really need to have a healthy balance and learn how to harness it properly so it doesn't become a monster.

Perfectionism is a characteristic that runs in my family and I think, like many other people in the past, it wasn't something that anyone thought was a problem or knew how to do deal with as my father grew up or as I grew up. It was kind of laughed as cute and funny and quirky and "something they'll grow out of". I don't think perfectionism was widely understood at least it certainly wasn't in our family, not to be hard on my parents or their parents, it's just a fact.

But today, I sit here with a lot of personal awareness under my belt (and mind you, certainly not enough) to understand that perfectionism is part of my nature and something that I don't want to nurture but want to learn how to balance out and be forgiving and loving to myself and those around me.

The last couple weeks has brought this to the forefront of my parenting as I've watched my big girl really take this head on. She received a couple of Disney princess blankets for her birthday which she adores. She loves princesses and it was just such an exciting thing for her to get those gifts. But then I started noticing that when I would put her to sleep she would want to see the picture of the princess in its entirety and therefore need to straighten out the blanket. I didn't think anything of it until it started disrupting our bedtime routine. After I laid with her for a bit and got ready to get up and leave her to fall asleep she would some nights stand up as if she was wide awake, even though seconds before she looked half asleep, all for the purpose of fixing her blanket.

So I started to tell her that it's not okay to make her blanket perfect or anything perfect and that it's okay and not to worry about it, and that after I get up, she has to stay in bed, all that stuff. Well, it worked in the moment, but only sometimes, and I could sense a raging storm, as I watched her get ever increasingly intent on making it perfect. The I started discussing with my husband what we should do about it. How do we get her to just chill out about it? So, we came up with "if you keep spending so much time with your blanket, it means that you aren't ready for a fancy blanket like that and we'll have to put it away until you are older". That kind of worked, for a little bit, and just really in the moment.

Then, at some point, I just had to talk to her. I told her how I understood her need for the picture to be perfect, and that she wanted to see the princess faces, but that nobody and nothing is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and even if we try to do something right, it's never going to be perfect. I asked her, "Do you know who the only one is that's perfect? Only Hashem - G-d - is perfect." Hashem created us and so we can be almost perfect, or just be really good at something, but Hashem doesn't want us to be perfect. Our job is to not be perfect and to just try to do our best. I even went so far as to say "even I can't be perfect!"

Once I said that to her, it was like a lightbulb went off for her and the truth is that it went off for me too. Our conversation allowed both of us to be more accepting and tolerant and for me to take stock and realize that no situation or schedule will ever be perfect. Not only will i make mistakes, but those around me will make mistakes too, and that I WILL be able to adapt to those changes and new circumstances. Sure enough, my daughter started saying, I'm going to make my bed, but not perfect. When she was with me and I was making my bed, she said, "You can't make it perfect, mommy!"

After that, she didn't even want the princess blankets anymore. They were too hot and now that she didn't "need" them in that obsessive way, she has been able to allow herself to just be comfortable in her bed and barely even bothers to make her bed anymore :) Trust me, I'd much rather have a messy bed than a perfectionist daughter. And now, when I notice that she is trying to get something just right, I remind her, "Don't worry, it doesn't need to be perfect. Who's the only one that is perfect?" And she knows now, "Only Hashem is perfect."

Just to name a few interesting articles that I noticed on Perfectionism:

Wake up every morning and make a conscious effort to act with a positive attitude. Do not think about being happy. Think only about carrying a positive attitude. If you do this every day, throughout your day, you are guaranteed to increase feelings of optimism! Over time, you will come to believe that feeling optimistic is really a choice. You will also discover that through your pain you can also find your purpose.