Student Leaves Room After Finishing CIS 160 Problem Set, Disappointed to Find the Year Is 2019

The overwhelming light of the overcast sky hit Engineering sophomore Jeremy Gordan’s face as he walked from his dorm. In his fist, he clutched his crumpled masterwork: a completed written copy of his CIS 160 homework.

“I remember feeling rain on my face! It was the first shower I had had in … a long time. I would have showered earlier, but I was just so busy,” said a still stanky Gordan in one Under the Button interview. “Anyways, good news was I finished my homework. Bad news was, I failed the class and missed all of winter break.”

Sources say Gordan was in his room, blinds closed and AirPods in, for over four months. “On the bright side,” said Gordan, “Penn Medicine is trying to recruit me for a case study! I guess not eating, sleeping, or seeing the sun for four months is “a miraculous feat” or whatever? I just hope the research gets put to good use.”

Penn Medicine refused to comment, but knowing the University, it can be safely assumed that any discoveries made in the examination of Gordan’s case will be used to justify the toxic study habits that students already adhere to.