I'll know someday. Is what you carried in your womb still in your heart?

Grwoing. Kicking.

We are connected by more than just blood. Our feelings, our dreams, our souls.

Our connection.

Somewhere. Deep inside, I can feel you. I hear your voice calling me.

Young and breathless.

We are. I dream. Of your face. Laughing. Crying.

Embracing what is so far away.

What I long for. Bringing me salvation in my time of need. A bond.

Never shattered, never replaced.

Only put on hold. To be discovered. I love what you represent.

My being, myself.

I have no photos, no misrepresented images of a mystery.

Why can't I look in the mirror and see.

You. Behind my smile, my hands, my eyes. There you are.

Waiting. To be discovered.

Or are you hiding from the inevitable thing we call lonelines?

Sing to me. I want to hear your voice.

Talk to me. I want to feel your pain.

Listen to me. I am your own.

Hear me. I need. See me. I want to be educated.

Be me. I am you. Dreams of embraces are lost in glass pillows.

Reality. I am not yours to have and hold.

Iron walls. Close in.

You are somewhere, anywhere, nowhere.

I can't see you.

Are you running? Do you dream of me?

Darkness. My, your, our mind.

Plays with my eyes and teaches my heart to fly from pain.

Did you whisper to me at night? Inside you.

Did you rationalise leaving me?

Did you cry on me, in you, when everyone else was asleep?

Dreaming.

Did you look at me? Did you see me?

What were you thinking as they tore me from you? How do you sleep?

Do you sleep?

I don't.

Dreaming of the day your heart.

Your door, your mind, your pain, your eyes, your ears, your arms.

Will open to me and I can call.

Scream. Cry.

Your name.

Mother.

Written by Anonymous - found online 1999

I discovered this poem in 1999 when I first made it online after losing A. The pain in the words - the wondering - it spoke volumes to my heart as it felt like the questions to the answers I had. I wish I could find who wrote it and if they ever pass by my blog, thank you for articulating the other side so eloquently.

About Me

My name is Myst and I am the mother of three children, one whom I lost to forced adoption in New Zealand in 1998. I use this blog to share my story so others may be better informed of adoption practises in New Zealand and not lose their child in the same way I did.

Some quotes I love...

"This story had its beginnings in a wrongful belief that women could be separated from their babies and it would all be for the best. Instead, these churches and charities, families, medical staff and bureaucrats struck at the most primal and sacred bond there is - the bond between a mother and her baby"

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend, some hurts that go to deep... that have taken hold."- Frodo, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

“Many people, especially ignorant people, want to punish you for speaking the truth, for being correct, for being you. Never apologise for being correct, or for being years ahead of your time. If you are right and you know it, speak your mind. Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is still the truth.”-Gandhi

“Man has the capacity to pass on from generation to generation the wrongs that he has suffered whether they are overt or covert wrongs. And there is a whole generation of people who have suffered from the inhumanity of our social service system because they were poor, because they were helpless, because they were young, because they had no advocates, because they were treated unjustly, because they were treated as though they had wronged people by having a child. We now have to call those social service systems to task.”- Family Involvement ‘Editorial’ John L. Brown No 5 (1977):1

"Regrettably, in many cases, the emphasis has changed from the desire to provide a needy child with a home, to that of providing a needy parent with a child. As a result, a whole industry has grown, generating millions of dollars of revenue each year..."- Commission on Human Rights, resolution 2002/92; E/CN/2002/79; page 25

"Hope is like a bird that senses dawn and carefully starts to sing while it is still dark."- Author unknown

“When a baby is born, a mother is born”-Adapted from a quote by Alice Meynell

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."-Martin Luther King, Jr.

“A mother’s love endures through all; in good repute, in bad repute, in the face of the world’s condemnation, a mother still loves on.”-Washington Irving

“Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness”-Amnesty International

“There is in this cold and hollow world no fount of deep, strong deathless love save that within a mother’s heart.”-Felicia D. Hemans

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."-Dale Carnegie

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”Psalm 139:13, 14

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up. “-Anne Lamott

“No language can express the power and beauty and heroism and majesty of a mother’s love. It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over the wastes of worldly fortune sends the radiance of quenchless fidelity like a star in heaven.”-E.H. Chapin