“I’m Addicted to Sexting Him”

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A few months ago I Googled a guy I had awesome sex with 10 years ago. His Linkedin profile came up an I added him to my network, not thinking anything beyond his accepting the invite to connect would happen. He did accept, and after several emails catching each other up, he asked to share a picture so I sent him a few innocent pictures and he did the same. We kept emailing for a few more days.

Then one day I took the initiative and sent him an innocent text message. We then texted until 4 AM, remembering the short-lived summer fling we had a decade ago. Ever since, we have been light flirting via text on and off. Lately, we have been actually sexting each other well past midnight, continuing until the next morning and throughout the day while at work, which we both —I think — enjoy.

Now, here’s the problem: Each one of us is in a committed relationship with someone else. And we both have agreed the sexting has to stop. Easier said than done! There are withdrawal symptoms when I don’t text him. We have abstained from texting for days — sometimes even weeks — but, when I finally think I’m over him, he surprises me with a friendly text and we quickly get into sexting again.

I feel guilty because I do enjoy the sexting very much, but I am not ready to cheat or end the committed relationship I’ve been into for the past 10 years, just because I like sexting the guy I had the hottest night of my life with 11 years ago.

I don’t think I know what I want. This is the most confused I’ve felt in the 10 years of being with the same guy. Any suggestions? — Addicted to His Sext

Your whole entire letter can be boiled down to your final paragraph: you’re the most confused you’ve ever been in your 10-year relationship and you don’t know what you want. Honestly, this has almost nothing to do with the other guy, despite how hot your night together was ten years ago or how much you enjoy his sexting. This has everything to do with your relationship and how, after ten years, you don’t know what you want.

You’re probably bored and feeling stagnant. Or maybe you’re having issues you keep sweeping under the rug. Whatever is going on between you, it seems it’s easier for you to keep ignoring it and escaping in this fantasy world you’ve created through some random, 11-year-old memories and some late-night texting sessions. It’s not the other guy you’re addicted to — or his sexts — it’s the distraction you’re afraid to give up, because not being distracted means you have to deal with whatever it is going on between you and your partner — whom you only refer to as “the guy” you’re with, even after 10 committed years together — that drove you to look up some summer fling from over a decade ago, add him in LinkedIn and then start sexting him til all hours of the night. You don’t do something like that after ten years with someone unless you’re unhappy, unsatisfied, angry, or bored.

Quit texting the rando and figure out what your feelings are with your long-term. As far as “withdrawal,” that’s just a bunch of baloney. That’s not withdrawal you’re feeling; it’s the anxiety you’ve been sweeping under the rug for who knows how long because you refuse to deal with the issues in your relationship. The antidote to the anxiety is to quit avoiding it.

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LW, your situation will define you as a person. Do you consider yourself a good person? Then stop this. Everyone in long term relationships craves some strange from time to time. But you need to shut it down and walk away. Everyone has feelings but walking away is the difference between being a good committed partner and a cad.

But isn’t there a difference between feeling some temptation from time to time and actually craving sexual attention from somebody else, to the point where you feel “unable to resist”? (Even though, of course, you can always resist if you really want to). It’s hard to express that difference, but I think people who are generally happy & satisfied in their long term relationships sometimes underestimate the degree of temptation that those who are not happy feel. (Not excusing cheating – if somebody’s unhappy, they should face that rather than stepping out on their partners.)

This strikes me as splitting hairs – it’s the same feeling (temptation), just to a different scale. Imagine a spectrum of temptation – from noticing the cute bartender, to fantasizing about flirting with them, to actually flirting with them, to carrying on an affair. I would agree with CSP – how the LW handles her reaction to temptation says a lot about her character. Not to the point of “if you cheat you are forever tainted” or anything like that, but it’s a demonstration of her values and commitment to those values.

I see your point. However, if you are unhappy then you should leave. Not stay in the unhappy relationship until you see if your sexting turns into something better. To counter your argument, I will say this. I am wildly happy with my husband. About 4 years ago, we moved to a new town and I joined a bible study group to meet new people. There was a guy in there that was SO FREAKING HOT. Like road a motorcycle, out of prison 6 months, found jesus in prison and trying to live a better life now, works out everyday. I am telling you, he was right out of a romance novel. I went to two meetings and realized that being near this guy could not lead to anything positive. So I stopped going. I know what I have and I love my husband and I walked away from scratching that itch.

The fact is that relationships are a choice that you make over and over again. I love my husband but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t a ton of other guys out there that I am attracted to or would be compatible with. But there is that moment with attraction that you take a step forward or backwards. And that moment is what defines you. It is whether you put yourself in the situation to cheat or not.

I’m actually mostly in agreement with you. What I was trying to point out is that the failure to stay away from temptation on the LW’s part can point to a problem in the relationship, in which case the “just stay away” advice is still true, but should be accompanied by “and re-evaluate your relationship immediately”. I would hesitate to tell the LW that everyone in longterm relationships feels like she does occasionally – maybe her relationship is really shitty and hearing that it’s normal and that she should just suck it up might not be helpful. Personally, I’ve definitely had the most difficulty resisting temptation when a relationship was lacking. Actually, attraction to others feeling more urgent has been one of the earliest warning signs for me that there was a problem, before I would even feel consciously unhappy in the relationship.

I completely agree with you about leaving if you’re unhappy. However, the sad truth is that there are a lot of people that honestly believe that they’re happy in a relationship because they don’t know the difference between real happiness and compatibility and what they have. Those are the people that stay in a relationship that really isn’t right for them, because they think that what they have is as good as it gets. They aren’t truly UNhappy, so why leave something good in the hopes of maybe possibly finding something better? That’s a hard mindset to be in, and an even harder one to make yourself see in your own relationship when you really don’t want to believe it.

I so agree with you on this. I think it happens a LOT more often that people are unwilling to leave relationships that are pretty bad for them than that someone gives up too easily on a really good relationship. (A pretty big portion of letters to Wendy is of the type “I really luuurve him but there is X problem, what do I dooooo?” to which the answer usually is: MOA.) The opposite problem does exist – people never being satisfied with any relationship no matter how good it is – but I see it happening a lot less often than the huge fear of MOA even if it a relationship doesn’t have much going for it anymore.

I would really like to know LW’s age. If she’s in her twenties/early 30ies it’s definitely time to re-evaluate the relationship IMO.

A lot of the times I get the feeling the LWs honestly don’t realize that they’re not in a good relationship. To anyone who’s ever had one (or had good examples of them, at least), it’s so obvious that they’re wrong. But there are just so many people that truly don’t understand that their relationship isn’t healthy, either because it’s better than what they had before or because it mirrors unhealthy relationships that their parents (or other role models) had, so they believe it to be okay. I really wish schools would teach children what a healthy relationship was like so that they can find them as adults. I took a semester of “marriage” class my senior year of high school, and it was awesome.

I am appalled at how many of my friends (college grads!) cannot figure out how to make a budget. Seriously, you make X amount. You need Y amount for bills, Z amount for savings, and N amount for retirement. Anything you have left, you spend on shoes. If you can’t afford shoes after all the other stuff, you just look at them on the internet until you can. See, easy!

Seriously, you don’t even need to know how to balance a checkbook anymore. You can see your bank account dwindle the second you spend something! All your bill payments can be made online, so there’s no waiting for checks to clear! It’s practically fool proof, and yet somehow…not.

Haha thanks, I’m just giving LBH shit because I was specifically talking to her today about how I have no idea how much I cost every month. I guess I’ve never really needed to know before now. I might take you up on your offer. I’ll just send you my bank statements – highlighted with all the purchases that were mine. But then really I could probably add all that stuff up myself. I guess I just struggle with what is considered a “need” vs. a “want”. Like I would put wine in the food category. I mean you need to eat and you need wine right?

Also side note, a kid in my class is drinking a propel. Who the fuck drinks propel past 2005?

Haha, IWTTS, I’ve been including alcohol with my groceries, because I figure I’m going to drink anyway, so, like food, if I do it at home it’s cheaper. Bars I add up with restaurants in the category that screws me every time.

Sampson, I am firmly in the camp that things that keep you sane are needs. If that’s wine, then it fits. I used to budget nights out at the bar in my “bills” category, because I tried to be a hermit for a month to save money and I basically went crazy. I’d rather be happy than completely debt free.

News flash: you are cheating already whether you are “ready” too or not. How can you be ready to do such a sleazy thing? You are a grown woman with self control, get some self respect and stop texting this guy.

Agreed! LW, you’re already cheating! Stop the texting now and decide what you want in your *actual* relationship! It’s not fair to your “guy” to be having an affair on the side, even if it’s “only” a digital affair.

Well, in some people’s eyes this wouldn’t be cheating. People have all different kinds of boundaries within their relationships, and to some (maybe many?) simply talking about sexual acts wouldn’t count as cheating.

But I do think what she is doing is shady and it needs to stop or she needs to break up with her bf.

I think if you are doing anything sexual that you are hiding from your partner, it’s cheating. If you are in an open relationship and sleep with someone else you aren’t cheating. It’s the deceipt, hiding and shame that make it cheating not how far you take it. Intent is everything.

I mean I agree with what all of you are saying, that to me this is cheating. But I just wanted to point out that to some people it would not be, if they had already established in their relationship it was okay. It’s pretty clear in this relationship it’s been established this behavior is not okay.

If I were the boyfriend, while I wouldn’t necessarily formally define this as “cheating,” it would essentially be the same thing for me. Especially since she’s basically treating it like a relationship.

Meh not everyone’s going to agree that this is cheating. Personally I think a physical line needs to be crossed, but if I found out my bf ha been compulsively sexting some other girl, I would not be pleased, to say the least.

No matter what label we give her actions, what she is doing is deceptive and disrespectful to her partner, so if she’s serious about that relationship, she needs to cut it out pronto.

How would you feel if you found your boyfriend doing this with another woman? I imagine pretty awful. You need to figure out your own relationship right now and whether you want to stay in it or not. If you want to stay with your current SO then stop texting this guy because yeah it is cheating. Here’s how you stop texting him: you don’t reply or you say “I’m sorry but I have to stop what we are doing now” and then don’t reply to anymore texts from him, delete his number, email etc..

Next time you feel like texting this dude, imagine in great detail the experience of your boyfriend finding and reading these texts, and the fallout. Repeat as often as necessary to get out of the habit.

Ugh. You CAN stop. You just have to STOP. If you really wanted to, you’d just stop. Erase his number, delete his emails, don’t respond anymore. It’s not that hard!

Like any breakup, there will be withdrawal symptoms. You’ll miss the connection. Good or bad relationship, when someone is in your life day in and day out, and abruptly that changes, you’re going to feel a little lost. You just have to wait it out.

If you truly love your boyfriend and want to stay with him, you just figure it out. There’s no advice that can make you act correctly in this situation. You have to want to. But frankly, I think your boyfriend probably deserves better anyway.

What Erica said. Look at it this way, LW: To put an end to this, there is NOTHING you need to do. Literally. You do NOTHING. How can that be a bigger burden on you than what you are doing, which is devoting way too much time, energy and attention to this flirtation?

This guy is basically a stranger. You have been sexting a stranger who is in a relationship, while you’re also in a relationship. It would be good to ask yourself why. It would also be good to ask yourself why you feel guilty for NOT being ready to cheat (yeah, LW, please read back to the way you phrased that sentence. I don’t think it was an accident.)

You need to figure out what’s going on in your relationship. Whether there’s a problem with you or your boyfriend(?), or you’re just in a rut, you need to take a good hard look at everything and decide what you want. You’ve been with the same person for ten years, and it’s probably not as exciting as it once was. But is the love and comfort of a steady, long-term relationship worth giving up for the temporary excitement of a new possibility? Because that’s the price you’ll be paying.

If you want to stay in your relationship, then transfer some of that newness and excitement over to it. Try sending those messages to your partner instead of some guy you don’t know (because sleeping with someone once 11 years ago doesn’t make him any less of a stranger to you now). Try something new together–a class, a coed sports team, a vacation you’ve always wanted to take. Long-term relationships require work. If you’re not willing to do it, then let you partner find someone who is.

Either way, you need to stop what you’re doing. You may be a good person, but you aren’t acting like one. You are intentionally hurting someone you claim to care about for your own selfish reasons. So cut it out.

Totally agree with the “sext your boyfriend” suggestion! Seriously, if sexting this guy gets you all hot and bothered, why wouldn’t it work with your man? At the end of the day it’s just words on a screen.

Blergh. Well, it’s mortifying to admit it now it but I did engage in this kind of behavior when I was
(much) younger than I am now. I was in exactly the spot Wendy describes. I was bored with my relationship but not at all ready to leave. I was avoiding a close look at the problems between us because it was painful and the thought of leaving seemed incomprehensible. Still, I was restless. I flirted with other men. I practically begged one to cheat with me. And toward the very end when things were more actively falling apart, I ended up having 2 separate sloppy drunk hook-ups, which I loathe to recall now.

If only I’d written to a Dear Wendy back then. Sheesh. The thing I was avoiding was the fact that my partner wasn’t right for me and I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving him, hurting him, or walking away from the life we had or the plans we’d made. So instead, I made an ass of myself and him by throwing myself at other men. Brilliant.

Please do not follow in my footsteps. Wendy is 100% right. The sexting has no bearing on reality. It’s a symptom. A glaring one. Sit down and take that hard, painful look at your relationship and see what needs to be done.

I’ll tell you this too. After 10 years, things are going to get boring no matter how great your partner is and no matter how hot the sex was when you first met. That’s just how it is. If this is your life partner, it’s your job to keep things lively and not let them stagnate. Take a trip, turn off your phones, spice things up, do whatever it takes. When things hit this (natural) plateau in relationships, you have a choice to decide if you want to roll up your sleeves and work on things or call it a day. If the two of you haven’t decided about long-term commitment, this could be the heart of your problem.

“I’ll tell you this too. After 10 years, things are going to get boring no matter how great your partner is and no matter how hot the sex was when you first met. That’s just how it is. If this is your life partner, it’s your job to keep things lively and not let them stagnate. Take a trip, turn off your phones, spice things up, do whatever it takes. When things hit this (natural) plateau in relationships, you have a choice to decide if you want to roll up your sleeves and work on things or call it a day. If the two of you haven’t decided about long-term commitment, this could be the heart of your problem.”

^This. Read it again (and then again, and again every time you feel like you need some “excitement”). It’s normal to be a little bored in a long-term relationship. Sexting some guy you banged a decade ago is not on the list of ways to work on and strengthen your relationship.

People in committed relationships do not “sext” other people. Frankly, it’s horrifying and selfish behavior, unless you and the “the guy you are with” have agreed that it is acceptable behavior. Follow Wendy’s advice. To a tee.

I don’t really understand this email – how are you in a serious committed relationship of 10 years and he’s not noticed one bit that you are texting some other guy at all hours of the day and late into the night?

You say you would never cheat on your boyfriend, but you’ve already gone down that road. Imagine how he would feel if he read what you say to text message guy. Imagine how you’d feel if you knew he was talking to another woman that way and then explain how that isn’t cheating. Emotional cheating is real.

Seriously though how does your boyfriend not know something is wrong? There is information missing from this letter.

You aren’t addicted to texting this guy, lets get serious. If you want to fantasize or something, fine, but you’re being sneaky, and hiding this from your partner of 10 years. Not cool. If you want to stop, stop. It’s really that easy. Quit making excuses for acting like a jerk.

I think the first step would be to confront yourself honestly. You WANT to sext this guy. It’s meeting a need, one that is strong enough to outweigh your moral qualms. What is that need? I don’t believe in just suppressing it – if you manage to stop now, but never confront it, you’ll probably just slide into the next distraction. It’s likely that the need itself is something that is fine, something that you’re allowed to satisfy – if you choose to do so honestly.

Me, either. Not my thing at all. Plus, I’m ridiculous with technology and I just know I’d end up sending a sext to the wrong person while not paying attention at some point. I’m sure my client contacts would love it. Or not.

I guess when we where long distance we “sexted” to a degree, stuff like “I want you”, but I don’t know that I would count that as “sexting”. I’ve never been a fan of like full on conversations (phone or text) about what you’re touching etc. I guess I don’t have that good of an imagination…

I did it over IM back in college, with my boyfriend and others (**shameface**) IM is slightly more real-time than texting, and back then everyone was IMing so it was the thing to do. It was more exciting than actually arousing – like, oo, what’s he gonna say next? What can I say to up the ante? Plus there was some roleplaying to some of it too, which made it fun & sexy.

There was a point in my life where I liked it. I was in contact with a guy who I had first time (for me) sex with YEARS ago. I still held a small flame for him because he is an incredibly physically attractive dude (key word being physically). Muscles, tattoos, blue eyes… the whole deadly combination. He contacted me out of the blue. I was single & lonely and enjoyed the attention. He was out of state, so we couldn’t meet up. But, we sexted on a regular basis for a few months (before I figured out he had a girlfriend and scolded the shit out of him). It filled a void for me. But, other than those special circumstances… it doesn’t do anything for me.

When I was long distance with my ex we sexted at first (before we both had company phones). It was hot. I guess there’s less of a need for it when you’re both in the same city, but if I was with a guy that was into it I’d have fun with it again. You have to both be into it though, or it spoils the fun.

My gf doesn’t–she apparently has tried it in the past and it didn’t do anything for her. In another relationship, I think I could be into it, but I’m not really gonna get anything out of it if my gf doesn’t like it.

I see no point to sexting. If someone wants to engage me in some sort of sexual activity – they need to be in the same room with me, unless they are paying me for something involving a camera and long distance.

Of course… the idea of sexting reminds me of Hal Sparks’ thoughts on sexy notes in the middle ages… “milady, I doth want to bang thee like a kettle drum”. *snicker*

I agree with Wendy that these aren’t “withdrawal” symptoms. Everyone loves to act like they are addicted to things and are absolutely powerless to stop doing stuff. But you’re not. It’s just texting. And whatever discomfort you feel when you stop is just the feeling of your real life, I suspect. So, you need to figure out what about your life and your relationship are driving you to fantasy land.

What she’s describing is a desire to act impulsively. That’s the “withdrawal” she’s feeling. Adulthood is being able to act for the best, even when (especially when!) it’s counter to the impulse of the moment. In other words, the LW needs to grow up a bit.

Some people are just really hungry for attention and excitement, even at the expense of their partner’s feelings. Which is why I believe this behavior is selfish.

I have a friend who got married last month and told me a guy from work has been “flirtaciously” texting her. He told her he wish she hadn’t gotten married and wanted her to send him sexually explicit pictures. Which she didn’t do. But my question for her was, how did she even get into a scenario with this coworker where he felt things had progressed to a point where he could send her inappropriate texts like that? I told her that if I was newly married and a coworker sent a message like that I would be horrified and angry. Instead she felt flattered.

Her new husband would go off the rails if he found out if that happened.

When you’re in a committed relationship, you just don’t put yourself in a position where you open yourself up to inappropriate situations.

How are you hiding all this texting from your SO? That is what I am curious about.

And you are not addicted – you like the game you are playing with your SO and this other man. And the other man thinks of you as a game too. Any man who honestly respected you would understand that he can no longer text you or communicate with you and stop. His little messages after a few weeks are just that – mind games.

If you are unhappy with your SO tell him and fix the problem or move on. Don’t let him think you are all satisfied, when you are getting your kicks from some random guy’s text messages.

Be an adult and show some respect for someone who has invested 11 years in you.

You’re not being fair to your SO. You need to figure this out ASAP, and I really hope you’re not stupid enough to pick some random already taken guy that you text over someone who has loved you for ten years. You can’t have both. Make your decision and then either break up with your boyfriend or stop texting what’s his face. It’s pretty simple.

3 paragraphs attempting to describe life like a romance novel… then the aside reference about your SO of 10 years. I don’t know the dude, but I hope he dumps the LW because she’s ridiculous and selfish.

Oh my goodness, you do NOT used LinkedIn for sexting or for procuring a sexting partner. Have you no decency, woman? That is a website for professionals. In my day, we kept that shit on MySpace where it belongs.

“I am not ready to cheat ” -> So maybe in a few days you will be ready to cheat? Is that what you are trying to say? And why the hell have you been with your bf for 10 years when you clearly do not love him? He is a total after thought in your letter and you don’t even call him your bf. And you refer to your 10 year relationship as “the committed relationship”. It’s like you are not even involved in it!

p.s: You already cheated on “the guy” you’ve been with for 10 years.

p.s2: I can’t believe you refer to your bf as just some random guy. Wtf. Just do what LBH said and go to the sexters doorstep.

So you’re one of those women who stays with the dead fuck because he looks good on paper, eh?

That never, ever works out. No matter how nice of a guy he is. If you’ve been with your boyfriend 10 years you’re probably 30something eh?

Mmm hmmm.

It never, never works. No we shouldn’t marry the bad boys but damn ladies we gotta stop thinking “sex isn’t that important.” It sure is. It sure is. And one day, you’ll be so horny you’ll start doing incredibly dumb things if you’re not being satisfied at home. Because listen LW if you were satisfied… why on earth would you be a) thinking of some guy long ago you spent “the hottest night” with, and b) classifying it as the “hottest night ever”??? I mean, shouldn’t your boyfriend have hit that honour with you by now?