can someone explain the naughtiness?

'Naughtiness': combination of not knowing/caring what Mum feels, and having fun by learning and practicing cause-and-effect actions that wind you up

'Not listening': combination of being totally welded to her own thoughts/ wishes to the exclusion of all else in the world, plus a bit of automatic 'opposition'. With perhaps some sprinkles of receptive language or auditory processing stuff on top. All made much much worse whenever tired, anxious or hungry.

try to make a bigger fuss/reaction to the good, positive stuff and minimise the negative stuff?

Maybe decide on a passive approach to naughtiness and make the reaction non-rewarding, no eye contact, barely any words and minimal contact....just a repetitive non-reaction, sort of action...iykwimMaybe, stop/freeze and not do anything until the behaviour stops?....maybe?...the cause is then this effect...everyone needs to be on-board for the message to be clear...then a thank you for not doing that...now I can hoover the floor and the room will be nice and tidy...keep repeating this until it dissapates and hopefully stops....there is no value in the behaviour if it evokes nothing/no pay off.

My Dd1 who is undiagnosed but I believe she has a combination of issues such as AS/ADHD/PDA, has to push boundaries. She is never satisfied with no meaning no. She pushes everything to the limit and it does get her into some difficult situations.

When she was younger if I got cross with her she would laugh, it used to send me into the "red mist" zone.

Then somebody explained to me that if she cannot read emotions or understand how I am feeling I must look pretty funny to her when I am ranting and all the words are just going over her head.

She is 24 now and still pushes the boundaries but I try very hard too be more understanding of her.

With Dd3 who is 10 and has ASD I am much more visual, I dont shout [well ok occasionally], I use the MAKATON sign for stop and a yellow and red card system to let her know that her behaviour is unacceptable.

It is not perfect and she can still be a pain, mainly for her Dad who "forgets" to use the strategies. She needs lots of prompts to support her behaviour and gets very stressy when hungry or tired or out of routine. The easiest days are those where everything follows her pattern of rules and routines but of course they dont happen that often. When we do have days like that I wonder if she has the right Dx, and then the next day happens.

It is really hard work and you do need to get a break when you can. Today was my day off day, we are in half term. but DP has gone out to fix someones computer! So that is the end of that.

I also use red and yellow card system and also keep them in my pocket which I show sneakily with a polite whisper but now say nothing at all.

hoovering scenario ......or anything you are trying to do that she is interfering with.

Would handle one of two ways. either say if you are going to swing why don't you make yourself useful and Hoover for me while I dust. That way she can see its not having the desires effect of winding mum up.

Or warn 3 times then say nothing but unplug Hoover quietly and go make a cup tea and sit down. Ignoring her completely. If she wants your attention tell her straight unless you can get the hoovering done there will be no dd time and stick to it. If she throws a wobbly just pick up whatever and go back and drink tea. Most kids hate being ignored x

tiredness makes things worse and I know ds can get over bouncy the more tired he becomes. So I would aim to not do any jobs late in the day unless it is something you can involve her in like washing up with you.

Every time she says or does something good reward her with a sticker and make it very frequent to start with and the reward goal easy to start so she can quickly see the benefit of good behaviour.

I used to draw on the top of a piece paper a book and a smiley face and said 4 stickers and we will read a story together etc.

consequences . hard as a lot if children would rather have the consequence than do something lol ignoring shows disapproval I had a pic of a sad face to add to the visual side. Minutes off doing something she really likes is another. Adding on minutes as a reward.