Mike’s Music Blog

Archive for March, 2013

I’m going on vacation in Jamaica for a bit. Hopefully the Wolves win 100% of their games when I’m gone. I’ll be back in a couple weeks. Until then, check out my newest comedy clip on Rooftop Comedy. I’ll be headlining the House of Comedy in the Mall of America March 27 through 31. GO WOLVES!!!

That’s 21 teams now that have succumbed to the Minnesota Timberwolves’ mad skills. 21 dreams scorched and ruined. 21 teams, with 12 players each. That’s 252 souls sent to the dark depths of Sheol to spend eternity as paper-thin waifs thanks to us. Some of those 21 teams were the same teams again, but that’s when their souls clawed back up to earth and we kicked them back down again. Kiss the sole of our Hakeem Olajuwons, playa.

I feel sorry for the scrap-heap of teams with worse records than us. What’s it like to SUCK, Cleveland, Phoenix, New Orleans, Sacramento, Washington, Orlando and Charlotte? We wouldn’t know. We have the 23rd best record in the league out of 30. Top 25%, bitches! If the top were actually the bottom.

All the other NBA teams are whack. You think you’re going to bring that weak layup in here? GREG STEIMSMA IN YOUR FACE! He just fouled out in two minutes flat. Ohhhhh yeah, Steamer! Is that your head spinning? Because JJ Barea is running circles in the paint and giving every center over 6’7″ five blocks a game. Daaaammmmnn! Check out the highlight reel of Derrick Williams doing so many pump fakes that he forgets to even shoot the ball! Cock-a-doodle-doo!

And the teams we WILL play? They just sit at home and drink Arnie Palmers with their Grandmas and try not to think about how they’re going to get decimated by a mid-level D-League team.

Rumor has it that Flip Saunders could be the next GM of the Minnesota Timberwolves, replacing David Kahn this summer.

“Oh no,” many Timberwolves fans might gasp. “Flip Saunders is an ineffective idiot with a dumb name and a stupid face!”

What? Are you paying attention? Forget the line about Flip Saunders. Focus on the “replacing David Kahn” part. Ding-dong, the worst GM in the history of the NBA is almost dead. It’s pathetic that as Timberwolves fans we’ve been relegated to “lesser of the evils” scenarios, but anybody is better than David Kahn as GM. Anybody. Kwame Brown, Michael Jackson’s doctor, James Worthy’s prostitute, James Worthy’s prostitute’s doctor. Anybody!

David Kahn called this man “Manna From Heaven.” Photo from thethirdcity.org

Flip wasn’t the best coach in the world. But he was there for the golden Kevin Garnett years. Maybe this is what it’s come to? The Timberwolves are an old maid who passed on too many suitors as a young lass. And now we’re middle-aged and flabby, calling old flames trying to rekindle past romances.

“Hey baby, remember when we went to the Western Conference Finals? And then lost. And then illegally signed Joe Smith and lost our draft picks for five years when we got caught? That wasn’t so bad, was it? I’m at the Super 8 by the off-track betting if you’re interested. Bring some pull-tabs!”

All I care about at this point is that we get rid of David Kahn and we keep the team in Minnesota. I can deal with everything else. I can deal with 25 win seasons being our best in years. I can live with Kevin Love leaving. I’m okay with only arctic Inuits signing with us because everybody’s afraid of our winters. The only thing I can’t stomach is the Seattle Timberwolves.

We just lost to the Miami Heat, who have now won 15 in a row. That’s neat. Next up we play the Washington Wizards on Wednesday at home. Only 25 games to go!

Here’s what happened: The Timberwolves were getting their asses handed to them in a season full of ass-handery. Alexey Shved, who’s been playing poorly, is not taking it well. Enter Ricky and seven simple, adorably accented words.

“Alexey, change this face. Be happy. Enjoy!” (Video below)

Are there truer words in the world? This is what I need to remind myself of every time the bitch in my apartment complex let’s her dog pee in the elevator or when I remember that Indiana purposely exists as a state. How easy is it to get wrapped up in the world and think that our cellphone bills and portfolios and social status are all that matters? I don’t even know what a portfolio is, to be honest. Is that like a Trapper Keeper for accountants?

This is going to be my new creed whenever something unimportant starts to piss me off. Whenever the small town Subway line takes forever because country people don’t have anywhere else to be. Whenever the stupid CVS lady puts my soda bottle in a bag even though she knows damn well that I come in every day and never want one. Whenever the people with clipboards, vests and skinny pants downtown harass me on the street because they want my signature to help protect our rights to ironic epiphanies.

Shhhh…listen to Ricky:

“Brody, change this face. Be happy. Enjoy!”

Life is short. Don’t forget to enjoy it and smile or it’ll pass you by.