What You NEVER Say To A Lesbian!

Let me make this clear. This is not to express any form of hatred towards men. I don’t hate you. This is just a quick guide to things you should never say to your lesbian friends or any lesbian. NEVER.

Hello there, Straight man

Let me make this clear. This is not to express any form of hatred towards men. I don’t hate you. This is just a quick guide to things you should never say to your lesbian friends or any lesbian. NEVER. It just offends us or makes us uncomfortable. Remember how you felt when someone called your “little brother” too tiny and hence concluded you can’t be good in bed or how you felt when your masculinity was questioned simply because you don’t play a sport or work out. Angry and annoyed as to how stupid and ignorant people can be. Yes. That is exactly how we feel when you ask us any of the following questions. So, if you don’t wish to get beaten up by a lesbian and if you don’t want to lose your “man-parts”, never use any of the following statements while conversing with a lesbian:

1. You just haven’t met the right man.

The most popular line. I have met a lot of men. All kinds of men. A lot of my close friends are straight men and so are a lot of my acquaintances. In a country where the sex ratio of male: female is 100:92 you assume that I wouldn’t have met any nice men? I just know for a fact, that I am not attracted to men. Please, don’t give me the right man line again. I am attracted to women. Mentally and Physically. No man can be “the one” for me.

2. It’s just a phase.

You barely even know me or even if you do know me, who on earth gives you the right to decide my sexual orientation is “just a phase”? Why do you claim to know me better than myself? You don’t.

Right. So according to you only ugly or mediocre looking women can be gay. The pretty/hot ones have to be straight?! Is it written in some “rule book”? Also, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. I might just look downright ugly to another man. So even if we go by your logic and follow this imaginary rule book, how would anyone classify women as- “Pretty and straight” or “Ugly and gay”??

5. Can I watch?

Now just because I am a lesbian, it doesn’t mean I am oversexed. No. Gay people’s lives don’t revolve around sex. And no, what makes you think I would want you watch me in bed?!? Lesbian porn is FAKE. No, we do not like men watching us or joining us in our bed.

6. So who is the woman in the relationship?

Breaking news. We are both women. Don’t stereotype us like straight couples and expect one of us to be masculine and the other person to be feminine. It is offensive.

7. You don’t look like a lesbian.

Really? You’re an expert. You know how lesbians look and obviously you assume, all of us look or behave or dress up in a similar fashion. Yes, we also do wear a name-tag saying “Lesbian”.

8. Oh damn! Now I have competition from a woman!

Ok. Seriously. What?! Now, just because I am a lesbian it does not mean I would flirt with every other woman I meet. Please, go ahead and flirt with every woman you want to. I am not going to steal them away.

9. So, how do you do it in bed?

Turned on, aren’t you? I just can’t understand as to why men get so excited with the idea of two women making out. Fine, you do. But what makes you think, you can ask a woman intimate details, as to what she does in bed and get away with it?

10. When did you choose to become one?

Ah. When I was 20, because I was bored and I wanted change. Arrrgh! It is not a choice. Wikipedia search Homosexuality please. When did you choose to be straight?

11. Why? Do you hate men so much?

No. I don’t hate men. Most of my close friends are straight men and I love them. However I do hate it when men you like you annoy me with questions like these.

12. A woman can’t satisfy you like a man.

Right. Me being a lesbian has nothing to do with any man. I know a lot of nice men, who are everything a woman would ever want. Breaking News- I like women. How would you react if I said you can’t satisfy a woman like I can? Yes, that is how offensive it is.

With this, I finish my list. I just want you to understand that, I am a woman who likes women. That does not change the fact that I am a woman. It also does not mean, I hate men. I am attracted to women, just like you are. Deal with it.

Not to sound confrontational but i believe a few points need to be articulated further.

3.so……you don’t do men?

It’s a bisexuality check list question.

7. you don’t look like a lesbian.

This is something which is said not only by straight folks but also in lgbt circles. Typical situation is when you do something which is deemed non-conforming. The last known instance, i had personally witnessed was in my citiy’s CSD pride day, when the same words were mentioned to someone because she had 1 1/2 inched manicured fingernails.

10. So when did you choose to become one?

rofled on this one…. since transitioning i get to hear that a lot more often, especially when i run into old coworkers at conferences. Though my answer is a lot more different than the present situation.

The number 12 has it’s own personal version for me. (You wont orgasm like a real woman.) i wont place my comments on this one here without offending the feelings of many and hence i refrain from quoting anything.

Thank you everyone! 🙂
@misszero and @crypticmoi – True! Women do, I agree.
@brenda- Thank you. It did not sound confrontational, glad to hear what you had to say! And yes, thinking of it, you’re right about point 3 and 7 and i guess a lot of us have different versions to point 12 😉

The only one answer to this I’d have is… “Why would I, being a straight man, have gay friends or lesbian friends in the first place?!” How could I continually be good friends with people I cannot identify with or find their behavior repulsive to me?! Much less be saying anything to them to try and suggest to them why they are the way they are in the first place?! Why would I even be interested in them anymore to try and know these things?! wouldn’t I be avoiding them like the plague, the same way I’d be expecting them to avoid me like the plague?! “What you never say to a lesbian” I wouldn’t be saying anything to a lesbian… period.

Two things I’d like to add. The second is a comment I once made (and have used since) while suffering the unwanted advances of a truly crude straight man. The other is a statement of, shall we say, how I feel about men, in general.

Once upon a time, I tried to live a straight existence. Never once did I find myself truly enamored or aroused at the advances of a man. Never had I experienced an orgasm, at the feeble attempts of some man. [<– Bronze Star Lesbian!] I've discovered that any man who speaks of the "size of his manhood," and/or his prowess in bed has accomplish two things: 1) He's usually deficient and severely lacking, in both areas. 2) He's managed to not only turn me off, but likely any other woman (gay or str8) within ear-shot.

Early one evening, at a local tavern, a man was bragging to me – as if he thought it would impress me and somehow make me reconsider my lesbian ways – about what he was packing in his shorts. "I've got at least 10 inches!" he proudly proclaimed. In a voice loud enough to be heard by the entire bar – actually, equaling his volume – I spoke up. "Damn, you got me beat, mine is only 8 inches!" You could have heard a pin drop. I then continued…

"You heard me. I have an 8 inch dick. It's made of purple latex and runs on 2 AA batteries. It goes where I want, when I want and only when I want. When I'm done and only when I decide when I'm done, it shuts the heck up and goes back in the drawer, until I decide if and when I may want it again. It will not beat on me, cheat on me, lie to me, eat my food, drink my booze or put me in the poor house. There are no severe messes to clean up; nothing is poking at me, at 3 AM, when I'm trying to sleep; nor does it get all butt-hurt, if I'm just not in the mood. It won't get me pregnant, nor give me pause to worry about some sexually transmitted disease… Given all this, why the hell would I need a man?

While every woman in the place applauded, I swear I could hear the dicks of every man shrivel. And, to those who may make some comment about dead batteries… I've had the same batteries in this thing for more than 6 months! When they start to die, I turn up the speed and make a mental note to buy more batteries! Tell me any man who could go on demand, for 6 months. I find most men can't go, on demand, for more than 6 minutes!

I am not a lesbian, because I hate men. I do not hate men, because I'm a lesbian. I hate men because they have earned my disdain. It is said that trust is earned. So too is disdain. When it comes to men, I do not trust a single one of them. I have come to the reality that no matter what a man says; he is insecure, egotistical and gonadally driven. Anything that comes out of his mouth is to satiate one of those three things.

I have been threatened, ridiculed, bullied, beaten, raped… Yes, I hate men… and for good reason.

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