Tamed Rose

Grandlessons from my Grandma

The best thing about my grandma was that she could never be famous because she was too busy being dedicated to ordinary acts of love that she did in an extraordinary fashion. To help illustrate what I mean...

Above is a picture of two notes I found in my first ever pair of work pants that she sewed up the hems on for me in high school. I remember tearing up as I thought, “Oh grandma, she probably put the tag of the pants in my pocket, she is always so thoughtful about those things," and then upon pulling out this note from one pocket and then discovering the other one, I cried. She read my heart, I was nervous until I found those notes. I’ve kept these particular notes all these years because I always felt they summed her up.

“I love you more.” “No. I love you more.” And then the interrupting series of “I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you!”

This was a common argument between my grandma and her loved ones. She would get so riled up upon saying good bye to us anytime we saw her or talked to her on the phone. She wanted to burst with her true love and affection from her exploding heart for us. She wanted us to know that she loved us more. More than we could imagine.

I think of the words from the Prayer of St. Francis,

“Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be loved as to love with all my soul.”

That’s what my grandma taught me most- how to seek to out-love others so that they could be loved more. What a beautiful legacy. What a gift to have a grandma like this!

I also think of the quote by St. John Bosco,

“it is not enough to love. People have to FEEL that they are loved.”

Grandma knew this. And she knew the science and the intricate magic of how to make us feel loved so that we could never doubt our worth.

This whole week, as I’ve prepared to say a final good bye and blow a final kiss to my grandma, at least here on earth, I keep asking myself this question over and over again: How can I be like her?She loved more fiercely than most are willing to these days and in that she showed her abnormal strength. I know her blood runs in me and that I have yet untapped love. I need to practice that love. I need to grow in it. Lucky for me, my grandma is now in Heaven sending her love to help me to love more. ​So, after reflecting on the gift my grandma is to me, I present...

My Grand-lessons from my Grandma:

How to win at offering to pay for someone’s meal.

How saying, “oh, dad.” can be a polite eye roll to husbands when girls are trying to have fun.

To make sure to have a tea set so you can have tea parties with your friends and granddaughters.

How to sew pillow cases and costumes and beanie babies.

To save letters and to take pride in every card you receive.

That late night, last minute, school craft projects are actually really fun with the right people.

To always have fudge bars and popsicles on hand for a visitor.

How to whistle.

That neighbors matter. To take advantage of having them. And to NEVER lose touch.

That Fridays will always be the best days.

Always blow kisses even after your loved ones can’t see you anymore. They’ll still feel them.

That sleepovers with grandma are most fun when you don’t tell dad how late you kept grandma up.

That I apparently snuggle too much in my sleep.

That you can’t get a good night’s sleep without “gramma crackers” and milk before bed.

That sharing your real emotions with your grandkids and loved ones about how much they mean to you, even if it’s out of nowhere, in the laundry room, will always be the right answer and will not fall on deaf ears.

That Braunschweiger is GOOD.

That grandma’s can eat their grandkids’ gross apricots if it will keep them out of trouble with dad.

How to spell hippopotamus.

How to make earrings out of snapdragons.

How to make the best Halloween costume ever! And that you’re NEVER too old to trick or treat at your grandkids’ houses.

How to draw easy bunny rabbits and flying birds.

That birthday cakes are important.

That talking to strangers is the right thing to do because they are just friends you don’t know yet.

How to make someone feel their worth so that they can’t doubt what they mean anymore.

That I look GOOD in a pixie cut.

That dealing bibs in my nursing home will make me cool but hoarding ice cream will get me in trouble.

That Mario (Oreo) was worth the wait.

To blow kisses even until people can’t see you anymore.

How to make EVERYONE feel like they are your favorite.

That remembering the past and sharing your memories inspires people.

That saints walk among us.

That being a night owl and a morning hater is okay even when your 90 year old peers don’t think so.

That being a social butterfly is a part of my blood.

That traditions with friends and family matter.

That I should never take for granted the worth of small gestures, notes, cards, and kindness.

If I want to be more like her that I need to be selfless and full of love.

Fiat Feminism: Crushing It

Yesterday was International Women’s Day. What an inspiring day it was. People from all over the world posted pictures, quotes, and stories of strong, powerful women from throughout history and throughout the world. I witnessed the mesmerizing beauty of how diverse and powerful women are when we band together for good. ​

I went to the gym to lift with all of this on my heart. Each rep I did I felt like I was building up feminine muscles to contribute to the strength around me. I felt like each groan for each heavy weight I pushed was inspired by those that had come before me. With excitement flowing through my veins, I wanted to post my own picture and quote of my favorite women to celebrate. I could have posted my hard as nails, stalwart confirmation saint, Saint Joan of Arc, and her famous quote she said as being burned at the stake, “I am not afraid. I was born to do this.” I thought about posting a picture of my favorite saint, Saint Therese, and a quote about her little way. But what I REALLY wanted to post, and who I REALLY felt present in my bones yesterday, was Mary.

I wanted to post a picture of her crushing it!

With it, I wanted to post a quote of one of her powerful lines in scripture, or something she said in an apparition. And, yet, I didn't. Why? Because I felt like if I posted, “Do whatever He tells you.” a favorite verse of mine since I was young, or “Let it be done to me according to your word,” an anthem that has brought me lasting peace and resilience, I would have been misunderstood, she would have been misunderstood, by Catholics and non-Catholics alike. ​

Yet, these words are some of the most confident, defiant, and brave words that have ever been uttered on this planet. They were the words that crushed the serpent and all evil in the universe! They are the words that set a plan on its course to destroy death once and for all. These words defied satan and all of his power. They are the words of a tenacious, plucky, counter cultural, courageous, young woman who lived the ultimate truest feminism in a world before us. She set us apart for all of time by those seemingly anti-feminist words.

#TIMESUPWhen I hear #Timesup I am so proud of the power and the ferocity it represents when women finally say it. I think of so many epic stories of nations and women rising up against evil that has gone on too long. When I hear #Timesup, I always smile a little at how Mary said it in her own way to Jesus when she launched Him into public ministry and said, “they have no wine” and then urged the servants to “do whatever He tells you.” As if saying, “time’s up, Jesus, it’s GO time!” I also think of how Mary’s “Let it be done to me” was a buzzer on a game that had gone on too long. She was gutsy enough to dare to let God work in her and through her. That, my friends, is not passivity. That is receptivity. That is letting God MAGNIFY your feminine super powers. Because without these words, without this woman, our powers are only natural powers, and our world needs supernatural feminine powers right now.

​God did not take her yes and strip her to a slave, He took her powers and amped them up, He took her strength and boosted it beyond any boundary anyone could normally face. He empowered her. He filled her. He entrusted the salvation of a world, the conquering of a villain, to her, and then crowned her the Rebel Queen of Eternity. So, yeah, her words sound wrong. But they are so right. And we need them today more than ever.

#YESALLWOMENJohn the Baptist said in his own masculine way, “I must decrease so He can increase.” Men, that’s a call to humility and receptivity that will bring unheard of joy. Mary said, “My soul magnifies the Lord.” Women, that’s a call to get out of your fear to share your gifts with the world, stomp on false modesty, and believe you have something to offer. The Church needs you. God needs you to show Him to the world in your feminine ways! He also needs to you trust Him. Mary, when appearing on Tepeyac hill, hundreds of years ago, said, “Am I not here, I who am your mother?” Women, don’t be invisible. We need Christians to know you are here! We need your motherly power. We need the reflection of Mary in your willingness to rise up. Because, #Yesallwomen have strength, power, and dignity. And, #Yesallwomen have a mission given to them that only they can fulfill. As we celebrate women, our untapped strengths, and our ridiculous power, may we not forget the most important Woman, her most important words, and her most important powers: humility, trust, and confidence in God. May we say, “Let it be done to me.” so that we too can “crush it!”

Growing up I hated Willy Wonka. Okay, who am I kidding? I still hate Willy Wonka. I prefer Pennywise to an Oompa Loompa. Willy Wonka terrifies me. I used to have nightmares of being sucked into chocolate tubes, or of blowing up into a giant blueberry. Just the sight of Gene Wilder would bring back such creepy feelings that when he died, I felt like a jerk, but I had to avoid social media for a week just so I wouldn’t see his haunting stare. I’m sorry, it’s just a hellacious story with the most demented scenarios. So, when I had to look up a few things for this blog, because I had repressed the heck out of any knowledge of Willy Wonka, I was not too happy. ​

So, whydidI do it? Because, I had a scary thought today that led me from one Jonah to Veruca. First, I think I might be Jonah. You know, the dummy from the Bible who cowardly tried to run from God and what He was asking him to do. As children, we would wonder if Jonah was too scared to do what he was supposed to do. As adults, I think we understand him a little more. Today, I think I understood him the best I ever have.

First, God says one challenging word to Jonah, “up!” If you know me at all you know that anything involving getting up is the most heroic challenge for my sleepy, sandman affected personality and my sleep disordered body. Yet, God asks me to get up and go constantly, and I’m sure you can relate. Maybe it is to just get up and go help a student rather than continuing with the task I was doing at the moment. Perhaps it is to get up earlier from my afternoon nap so that I can give a little more love through quality time to my fiancé. Whatever it is, I am just plain bad at it. Jonah at least ran from God’s call to get up and go, I just snuggle deeper into my couch.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on why I’m so bad (aside from health concerns) at responding to that call, to get up and do my daily duties, or to get up and do the thing I don’t want to do. The other day I was shopping for a book, and in the process of avoiding another task by just continuing my shopping, I found a book about the seven deadly sins. Sadly, I didn’t catch the title. I was just flipping through it and landed on the pages that covered the sin of sloth. This is the sin that really gets us into Jonah-mode where we hide from what we know we are called to do and seek comfort zones instead. The author wrote something that I'll sum up by saying that sloth is avoidance that comes from lacking hope (despair) in God and lacking exciting expectations that God will provide in the moment we are about to face. Essentially, sloth comes from a reliance on self that bogs us down enough that we just stay put. It really takes the fun out of the beautiful adventure God has planned for us because we stop looking to God to amaze us and we settle in to the boring complacency we had planned.

Man, could I relate to that. I thought about how I was going back to teaching after a luxurious Christmas break and how difficult my classes were going to be this semester. I thought about how many times I won’t want to deal with the difficult students, the extra work, the extra energy, etc. I worried over how I won't be inspiring enough, or helpful enough, or just good enough for my students. I also thought about the daily duties I put off, like laundry, cleaning, bills, etc. because I just don’t feel like I have it in me today to face the drag. But maybe I don’t need to have anything in me. Maybe it’s not about estimating what I feel like I can handle. Maybe it’s about telling God I’ve got nothing and asking Him to surprise me with what He can provide in the moment. Jonah struggled to do this when called to go to Nineveh. I struggle to do this when called to do much simpler tasks. Why?

Well, here’s where my horrifying connection with Willy Wonka comes in. I only struggle with Jonah like tendencies because I am Veruca Salt. EWWWWW! I am Veruca, the girl in the chocolate factory who wanted everything right now. Not later when it was ready or when she was ready, but now. If you remember (I’m sorry to make you recall it), she wanted a golden egg that was not developed correctly yet. Her problem wasn’t just wanting things selfishly, it was that she wanted it immediately. In her song, the sentiment I often have with God when facing something is enormously present:

I want the worksI want the whole worksPresents and prizes and sweets and surprisesOf all shapes and sizesAnd nowDon't care howI want it nowDon't care howI want it now

​When I’m driving to work and I still feel tired and not excited about a new school day, and feeling like I am not enough for my students, I want graces now to be ready to teach my class. But maybe God isn’t ready to give me the graces I need until I have that first encounter with a student. Maybe he delays so that I will keep putting one foot in front of the other out of trustthat in that moment He will show up with an abundance of grace. I convince myself there’s no way I’ll get there if right now I’m feeling that I “just can’t even”, and yet God is waiting to show me that His grace is in that moment, waiting to be accessed, not available if avoided.

Jonah realized this too late. It took him a scary storm on a boat, a whale’s belly, and a whole lot of fighting, but eventually he made it and realized that God’s grace was waiting for him in Nineveh. God was giving him the grace to get there, but the courage to face the sin and the people he feared he just wasn’t ready for until he stepped foot on their land.

God is a good, gracious Father. He loves that we want Him to spoil us with graces and love. He loves when we share our desire with Him. We know He won’t give a rock if we ask for an egg or a snake if we ask for a fish. But He also doesn't do what is even worse, He won’t ignore us, or call us to something and then leave us. Veruca ended up being shot to a Willy Wonka hell for her impatience. I hope, not only avoid that but also, that I get to experience the surprises God has in store for me when I patiently put one foot in front of the other and face my daily duties with hope in His promises and an expectation for some adventure.

So, here is my terrifying song about this blog, may it inspire you instead of giving you nightmares:

Oompa Loompa doompadee dooI've got another puzzle for youOompa Loompa doompadee deeIf you are wise you will listen to meWhat do you get if you lay on your couch?Avoiding your duties like a big old slouch?A boring story with no adventure or gloryNot trusting God is truly a shameStop avoiding and call on His nameOompa Loompa doompadee dahIf you're trusting then you will go farYou will live in happiness tooLike the Oompa Loompa doompadee do

Truly, this is a vulnerable post to write. I have held back for years because I don't want to come off as angry or accusatory, but rather as honest, real, and helpful. We all have things to work on, no one is perfect, but this is my attempt to give a voice to something I see needs some work.

I'm writing this after being engaged for just over half a year. Why? Because it's crazy how different I have been treated once my state in life started to change. So many of these changes have made no sense to me because my being engaged shouldn't have had to be the defining privilege or catalyst that opened the doors to many of these changes.

*Hopefully, those closest to me know I'm not referring to you, but if you doubt it, I'll say clearly, I'm not (because we have probably talked about this anyway, right?)

I apologize in advance if any of these things seem offensive. They are not meant to be, but I won't apologize if they challenge you, concern you, or reveal a bad habit or a relationship you may have sucked at lately (sorry, sucked is really the best word).

We do understand. You can still talk to us. Just because we aren't married or don't have kids believe it or not we can still relate to your feelings and worries, and joys. We may not be dealing with the exact same life circumstance, but I can guarantee we are dealing with the same emotions, fears, etc. So please stop disqualifying us from certain conversations. We are just as excited for you as your mom friends and just as able to hurt for you, pray for you, love you.

We don't have tons of time and money, so please stop telling us to travel, and how jealous you are, and how you want to live vicariously through us. Most of us are working our butts off to afford our monthly expenses, and yes, even though it's just our expenses and not a family's we would give anything to have the feeling of another person's shoulder helping us bear the stress and load of financial worries and burdens.

We have exciting things in our lives too that we are proud of even if no one else is. Sure, we aren't throwing a wedding or having a baby, but we are accomplishing amazing things in other areas of our lives. We have passion and excitement and lots we want to share with you that will probably excite and energize you too. Ask us about our lives too and stop just fishing for the superficial questions that are so worn out like, "so how's the love life?"

Speaking of love life...yeah stop making us feel like we won't be happy until we find "the one." If you don't think this happens, or that people do it, trust me it does and they do. All. The. Time. I have literally had friends and family try to beat around the bush by asking me (or even my mom) if I was really happy, only to push harder and catch them in their true meaning of "well she isn't seeing anyone yet is she?" No, I wasn't, but I had graduated with my masters, won teaching awards, spoke at events, and done many other things that were amazingly fulfilling and rewarding. But, yeah, I'm not seeing anyone.

Stop excluding us from things in the name of couples and dates. Believe it or not, this happens a lot. And we notice. We crave depth, good conversations, updates on your lives without your children present too. Often, we are left out of these moments because we don't have a guy to bring along to your dinner date. Instead, we are called to babysit while the grown ups go discuss real life. We love your kids. But, this, this bites.

If, or when, our "status" (gag!) changes, do know that we notice how people treat us differently. We literally have doors open for us and are treated totally different, as if we are welcomed back to society. The Church can be especially terrible about this without realizing. Groups, bible studies, ministries, etc. open up once you are engaged or married and then even more open when you have children. It feels pretty awful to realize that's what it took.

We know you feel uncomfortable about our singleness, but we wish you wouldn't. We may have days or moments when it bugs us but we wish it wouldn't make you pity us or make you feel like we are behind or missing out. That just makes us feel like there is something wrong with us. There is not.

You sometimes make us wonder why you got married or had kids. Okay, not really, but the way some people write about family lives on social media make us want to scream. People complain in crude ways or demand the status of martyr while we think, huh, I guess they have no idea the blessing of their vocation. Thank you to those of you who use prudence in this area and don't post every sucky moment of motherhood. We all have sucky moments and social media won't help us overcome them. You may be complaining about something we often desire and it doesn't help either of us.

We are not different. Let that soak in. Our different circumstances do not make us different. It's literally written in us to be motherly, feminine people and just because we don't have our own children or spouse doesn't mean our instincts and feelings have withered up and died. We are not different.

Singleness is a blessing and we are tired of feeling that in the religious world's eyes it's a curse. We aren't dumb. We have heard people ask questions like, "how is she still single?!" about others and can reasonably conclude that being single means something in your eyes about ourselves. We have also heard you explain why other people are still single "they are too selfish, they are too immature, etc" and have to imagine you have theories about us too. What about if God wanted to spoil us with some "one on one time" before He led us to marriage? What if He wanted us to Mother other children before our own because we are that good at it? What if being single is a huge blessing we didn't ask for but God wanted to spoil us with? Huh? I'm just saying, some of us look at it this way; you should too.

The fact we write lists like this that separate singles from the coupled is our least favorite thing because we just wish we could stop being grouped and boxed up. So, even though we write them, and we benefit from them, we wish we didn't need them.

We are always willing to be there for you, lend a hand, and help carry your cross. We may wish you knew these things on this list but we are eager to better understand you. Let us in and we will be there in a heartbeat. We know sometimes you're drowning and we are too. Let's try to do it together.

Important: This post is written by my fiancé and edited by me. He has a special story and I'm so happy he is sharing it. I'll be the first to affirm his statements in his post that he is very bad at sharing his past, but it is one that brings inspiration when he is brave enough to share it.

​What About Mario?My Adoption Story

My citizenship picture. I am a proud six year old.

As #Nationaladoptionmonth comes to an end, I would like to share my story and the impact adoption has had on my life. At the age of two, I was orphaned due to the passing of both of my biological parents. Some of this time I spent on the streets with my half-brother, Fernando, and then we eventually were taken to an orphanage in Guatemala City, Guatemala. When I was six years old, Fernando and I were adopted by an Irish American family and moved to the small town of Blackstone, Massachusetts in the United States.​

For the first time in four years, I had a picture-perfect life because I had a family! I had a mom, a dad, my half-brother, and a little sister and brother who were also adopted. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances, Fernando and I did not stay with this family. I lost my only blood relative when Fernando had to be sent away. Once again, I found myself orphaned and confused. This family decided to give up custody. So, when I was eight years old I became a ward of the state and was sent to live in two different group foster homes. Unfortunately, for Fernando he was not given the same opportunities I was and spiraled down the wrong path. As for his location today, I sadly do not know.

After about four years in group homes with constant changing of staff and stability, I was asked what kind of a family I would like if I could have one. For some reason, after years of no religion, no weekly masses, or anyone to pray with, I said “A Catholic family.” That was apparently a good answer because my world was about to change for the better.I was placed in Wales, Massachusetts, with a French-Canadian couple, the Racicots, who had taken in hundreds of boys over the span of their 30 years as foster parents. Their four biological sons were all grown and on their own, so as empty nesters, they had no obligation to take me into their home.By this time, I was no stranger to being bounced from place to place. I would meet new people, form relationships, and then they would be torn from me. I had no family and was used to protecting myself from getting hurt. I acted accordingly. I put up walls, acted out, and fought the constant struggle of whether to trust or not (something I continue to work on). I had to think this situation would be no different from any other in my life.… but I was dead wrong.This couple, already in their 50’s and ready to retire, took me into their home and went straight to work to see how they could influence and enrich my life in a positive way like I never had before. They saw my potential and my innate goodness and faith and wanted to protect it. Days with my new parents turned into months and months turned into years. After three years I realized, as a fifteen-year-old, for the first time in my life, I had been with someone and in one place longer than I ever had before.This would prove to be a critical time in my life because the Racicots had a difficult decision to make. After hundreds of boys coming in and out of their home, after 30+ exhausting years, and after preparing to retire down in Florida, they asked themselves, “what about, Mario?”This question was serious and required a lot of discernment. You see, after an unfortunate and sorrowful situation surrounding a previous foster boy they had tried to adopt, they pledged to themselves they would never again attempt to adopt one of their foster boys, not for their sakes but for the good of the boys and their original families. So, going against their promise to each other, and after much prayer, they decided to adopt me into their home and to give me opportunities I never had before. The rest is history…

I share my story for a few of reasons:

1. It is #Nationaladoptionmonth, duh! 2. Frankly, I suck at sharing about my story, and I’m realizing it’s good for me to get it out there. 3. Most importantly, I share because I want to highlight the impact adoption can have on people’s lives.

​If we are going to celebrate and create awareness of the impact adoption can have, I might as well share my story and the effect it had on me and my family. I don’t know, maybe some of you out there are on the fence on whether to adopt or not. Maybe some of you have similar stories and need to know you’re not alone. Or maybe some of you are newly adopted parents and are nervous about what you got yourselves into. Whatever it might be, I hope I can provide some inspiration, comfort, or just community. I do ask you to please not pity me or my story. Instead, you may use it as an outlet to be inspired and as an opportunity to inspire someone in your own life. Adoption or not, you can change the lives of those around you.Here’s to 20 solid years, Mom and Dad! Thanks for asking, “What about Mario?” never giving up on me and adopting me!

Epilogue: In June of 2018 I will be adding to my forever family when I get married. After a lot of thought and consideration, my fiancé and I will be taking the Racicot name. I have never taken their name until now and it means a lot to me that I will finally go by Mario Racicot. I love my Martinez last name for the parents that it stands for, parents I only barely knew and barely remember, but nevertheless gave me life and many other things I will only know once I meet them again in Heaven. But, now, I look forward with excitement for the rest of my life as Mario David Racicot!

My fiancé, Sara, meeting my parents for the first time. She loved meeting my parents and hearing the "real story" from my mom.

No place is perfect but some places are perfect for a particular part of your journey. Without knowing it, the culture, the families, and the people in a certain place can mold you into a better individual in preparation for the mysterious unknowns of your life. I see myself in the stories of characters journeying to destinations as they learn lessons about themselves and grow along the way even when they aren't quite sure where their journey will end.

I read an article that circulated widely among the mommy blogosphere about village life. The main point of it being that moms need villages. I would, and have argued, that we all need a village- The married, single, religious, young, old, whoever. No, not the metaphorical one we speak of when we say "it takes a village" but an actual village. Hastings is a village. It may not always feel like it when you're living in it with no comparison, but believe me it is.

Villages take care of each other, not perfectly, but constantly. In Hastings I had families and friends constantly caring for me and each other. I watched as families went through all sorts of tragedies, blessings, embarrassing moments, and victories. That's no surprise, anywhere that humans live you will see that, but what amazed me was the response to that humanity. An old lady from the community would be with a young mom every step of her confusing suffering. No questions asked. Another family would drop everything to step in to take care of another family's cares so they could grieve. People would go through very rough stages and seasons of life while others would patiently stand by them and guide them through something they too had experienced.

Literally, while living here it was like constantly witnessing a whole group of people living out their vocations in every moment. No isolation. No ability to hide. No need to feel useless or unneeded. Here everyone has a role in every situation.

I got to witness masculinity lived out to its core. Not in a stupid, buff, stereotypical way, but in a humble, honest, deeply loving, and protective way. I gained so many fathers and brothers from my time here. I watched my students, as young men, have chances to serve in very fulfilling ways after their own examples of older men. I saw femininity embraced. Not in a striving, "we will get there some day" way but in a true already attained way. I saw women respected for their intelligence, their professionalism, their amazing voice in the community. I watched as they nurtured one another and each other's kids. Ask any child here and they can point out non-related adults that love them as dearly and as truly as their own family.

I received so many words of wisdom. Actual, literal words of wisdom that I watched unapologetically applied in messy situations and now get to walk into my next stage of my life remembering.

In Hastings I gained mercy. Living in a smaller place, after being used to bigger ones, you learn that grudges are real and wounds need time to heal. When I first arrived here I received a special grace of mercy. Watching people remain hurt from years of injury I understood this was a grace, not a special talent or something I could claim I earned, but simply a grace. But, I also witnessed people's humility when they knew they needed graces of their own. Their vulnerability with each other that I've never seen from adults inspired me. It opened hardened parts of my prideful heart so that I could also be vulnerable, ask for help, grow, and change.

Most of the time I've been here I have been loved like no other time in my life. I have had, for four years, someone to listen, advise, care for, and love me. Not just one person but many. I have been told by so many people how special and influential I am to their children, but now is my chance to tell you, Hastings, how special and influential you have been to me. I came here for a grad school program, not knowing what was next, but trusting God that this is where I would find out. I had no idea that He was giving me literal fulfillments of my wildest dreams and lessons that I will use the rest of my life. I am confident I am a better sister, daughter, aunt, godmother, teacher, and friend because of my time in this village. I know I will be a better wife, mother, grandmother, maybe some day widow or some other unplanned or undesired role simply because I have lived here.

You don't find places as full of generous people like this very often, but when you do they stand out forever. You don't often see fairytale versions of life lived out, real fairytales, the kind with struggle, suffering, and conflict, but also with victory, friendship, morals, and the most amazing characters you've ever dreamed up. But I found that in Hastings.

That life I found is our call to family whether single or married, this is the call of the Church that I hope to always imitate and foster no matter where I am. This is my call for the future: To make everywhere my village and to love others as I was loved here.

To all my readers, at some point in your life I wish you a Hastings Home. To all my Hastings people, I am eternally thankful for you and everything you gave me.

Wonderfully Made: Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall...

Note: This is the transcript of a talk given at the Wonderfully Made Conference on April 25th 2017.

Topic: How we see ourselves when we look at ourselves. Who and where we go to answer questions we have during “mirror moments.” How to learn to go to God when experiencing “mirror moments”.

Mirror Moments: Taken from Snow White when the evil queen asks “mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of us all?” We also see this in other stories and movies when people look in the mirror and wonder at themselves (Example: Mulan in the song Reflection) These are the moments where we ask ourselves questions when we take a look at ourselves and wonder many deep and/or superficial things. Examples: Does this look okay on me? Does it flatter my waist? Do I stack up? Who am I? Do I like who I am?

I am going to go over some common Mirror Moments that many women share first.

First, we often never feel like enough. These are the thoughts like thinking we are bad moms, we aren’t smart enough, we aren’t pretty enough, etc. But, isn’t that what Eve did in the garden? Our first woman? She thought, “I need to be smarter, I need more control, I need to grasp.” She didn’t practice trust. “Let go and let God” is hard for all of us because Eve gave into that lie first.

I asked some gentlemen what they think about how women look at themselves. I got answers from junior high boys all the way up to older men and they all echoed the same message: Women and girls are way too judgmental of themselves and each other. The younger group even said they don’t like watching their moms pick themselves apart all of the time. It made all of them sad.

This idea of our mirror moments being flooded with judgmental and negative feelings is iconically and accurately displayed in the Mean Girls’ scene where the Plastics are together looking at themselves in a mirror. The acceptable or expected reaction from each girl was “My hairline is so weird…My pores are huge…My nail beds suck…I have really bad breath in the morning.” Most people have heard the common quote reminding us that we are our worst critic but women seem to bond over self-hatred and rarely are taught they can glory in themselves or each other. We hate how pretty someone is, or how put together their lives are because it makes us feel insecure. What? Why?

These are general, common feelings or reactions in our Mirror Moments.

So, when you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you see what you do or accomplish? Do you just see your style? Do you just notice your weight? Do you like what you see? Why?

When we do have positive Mirror Moments it is often caused by, as Peggy Ornstein discusses in her book Girls and Sex, a standard the world decided that we feel we have met and that others will like. But do we like it? Why do we like it?

One Lent in college I noticed that I was really focused on affirmation from others during my Mirror Moments and on meeting someone else’s standard for beauty. It didn’t really matter so much what I saw in the mirror but if others thought “I looked okay.” That year I felt God calling me to give up asking my friends and roommates for affirmation. No more “how does this look?” or “does this look dumb” etc. Instead I would still ask these questions but ask them of God. I’d literally look in the mirror before a date and say to God, “what do you think, God?”

What a change it made! I started to try to look at myself no longer through the eyes of others. I stopped dissecting myself into pieces of clothing, fits, and fashion. I started to see beauty in myself that others may not notice or that I could never perceive. I started being filled with awe at the intimate connection my body and my self had with God. Thoughts like “woah, God designed me. Or God has touched this part of me” made me begin to cultivate a certain pride in myself.

This really helped when I started comparing my body to my friends with thoughts like: Their body has value because they’ve done this or that with it. Or it attracts this or that. Or it can wear that dress and mine can’t. It became more important when comparing became even harder when I got to post-college and had to realize my value in my body didn’t come from whether my tummy had held a child and that my stretch marks aren’t from pregnancy but my value came from the fact that my body was mine and God gave it to me as a special expression of His image and likeness.

This flowed into the beauty I noticed in others as well. I remember watching Mean Girls (again!) one day in college and it was at the part where Cady breaks apart her crown and compliments all of these different people as she throws them a piece. She compliments one girl who, in my bratty opinion, looked terrible. She says to that particular girl, “you look really beautiful tonight.” I remember thinking, wow, I am a bitch! (excuse my language!) But really, I examined why I thought she looked terrible and it was because she was wearing butterfly clips (which were so out of style even then!) and she wasn’t particularly “model worthy.” I realized that my perception of others was so dictated by whether they were stylish or I liked their fashion and had nothing to do with them. Guys get called out all of the time for dissecting women into body parts but we dissect each other into accessories, numbers on a scale, and pieces of clothing. The devil is just thinking, “eh, different folks, different strokes.”

I think most people can eventually agree that deriving our value bodily or not from anyone or anything other than God is draining. It sets up unattainable goals. We constantly feel like failures because we are trying be someone we weren’t made to be. Look at mom blogs that make you feel like you’ll never add up. Look at high school students who don’t feel perfect because of their grades, sports or something else. We need to shout out loud and clear: I am enough just not by that standard!

So, I challenge you to go to God for your sense of beauty, value, and worth. Go to Him to feel loved, treasured, and worthy. Start reflecting on seeing what He sees. You’ll see amazing things!

This will transform how you apply what you’ve been hearing in talks about fashion. You’ll start dressing because you know how beautiful you are rather than in a desperate attempt to feel beautiful or to just cover up what you are ashamed of…whether it’s extra fat or a part of your body you feel sinful over. Exercise will also take on new meaning as you feel in partnership with God to keep His creation healthy and strong, not just skinny and toned.

So far this mostly has to do with our Mirror Moments over our body and our relationship to it. But we know we also wonder other things when we look at who we are and who we have become. Sometimes in our Mirror Moments we go deeper than skin and we only see our terrible vices. If you begin to go to God in those moments you will start to see that you are true, beautiful, strong, etc. and the terrible vices we have that we so love to focus on are not us. They are attached to us. Wound around us maybe. Hard to let go of certainly, but they are not “us”. We begin to hear what the Lord said to Jesus even before He started His mission, “YOU are my beloved son with whom I am well pleased.” Can we hear Him say that to us? I also like to remember these two quotes I found on the Blessed Is She Instagram account: “Because Jesus is strong we are free to be weak.” And “We need to become convinced of the Lord’s gentleness.” We can learn to be gentle on ourselves through Him.

I want to make a few suggestions on ways to start enacting this dialogue with God in your life:

First, look at the mirror and Mirror Moments as a sacred place, a place of prayer with God. You may not struggle with your image or physical beauty but it can still be a place of pondering over who you are and the wonder that you are. Some women find it helpful to put a quote like “You are fearfully and wonderfully made” on their mirrors or a picture of Jesus.

Second, if you are a journaler, or even if you are not, try writing down some of your lessons in a notebook. They will come and go just like our hormones fluctuate, our moods change, and our energy dies, your belief in His voice and His words will wax and wane. It will be helpful to have little notes to yourself written from what God helped you to see on your weaker days.

Third, try to notice where you pick on yourself the most. Is it a certain area of your life? Is it a certain part of your body? Is it when you get around certain people or even when you watch a certain show? Notice these areas and then be ready to really rely on God during those moments to spin you around into confidence and pride over who you are.

Fourth, if you want some beautiful resources in the area of using Scripture to hear God’s voice check out Blessed is She on Instagram, and subscribe to their email messages. Also, The Word Domination account on Instagram is awesome! It has ideas for how to journal over the messages God has in the Bible for you.

Finally, YOU MUST BEGIN ASKING HIM QUESTIONS! So, next time you ask these questions; you’ll hear:Am I beautiful? Beyond your understanding. You are breathtaking and lovely. (Song of Songs)Am I loved? Deeper than you know. (Gospel of John or books of John)Am I good at this? Absolutely! I gave you my spirit. I made you in my image. (Jeremiah)Am I strong enough? Certainly! You can do more than you know, if you will only trust in Me. (Philippians)Is something wrong with me? Nothing, my love. Nothing at all. (Timothy, Jeremiah and Song of Songs again!)Why can’t I do this? You can. Just trust me more and yourself less. (The Gospels and the Psalms)Where can I find meaning? In me, my dear. You are mine and I am yours. (Ecclesiastes)

Bible Verses to Remember:“God is within her; she will not fail.” Psalm 46:5“By the grace of God I am what I am.” 1 Corinthians 15:10“You are beautiful for you are fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139: 14“It is not fancy hair, gold jewelry, or fine clothes that should make you beautiful. No, your beauty should come from inside you –the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit. That beauty will never disappear and it is worth very much to God.” 1 Peter 3:3-4“You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way.” Song of Solomon 4:7And my favorite:

Middle school students are an amazing slice of culture. Today, the 2016 Election Day, they came into my classroom, period after period, all riled up about politics. My room could have been a great sociological study on the catchphrases of this election: "Hilary for prison!" "Today is America's death date!" "Make America awful again!" "Miss LeDuc, let's move to Canada!" "The end is near!" "Meteor for President!"

We know these kids aren't coming up with these over used slogans on their own. They are like little Yakbacks that pick up on every adult everywhere and walk in to my room ready to share the things you never wanted them to with the whole class.

So, after hours of hearing our culture and pessimism being spit out at me all day through their voices, I wanted to write a response to all of US, the people who create or say these parrot phrases for my students.

First, ONCE OUR GOD DIED AND YET WE ARE AN EASTER PEOPLE. Please, don't forget to spread hope to people around you today, especially those younger than you. I can promise they are listening and repeating your attitude, your word choice, and even the media they see you choose. It's literally like they retweet what you say and change the culture without you knowing it. Make sure you give them messages of hope and faith to spread. Our Church has seen some pretty freaking awful times and not one saint was known as such for being grim and gloomy.

Second, you have the power to ensure that this is not "America's death date". You have the power to wake up tomorrow excited about our country's and community's future! It doesn't matter if your candidate wins or not (or even existed in the first place); the power is yours.

​Why do so many people love New Years Eve (besides the parties and drinks)? It's because they look back on the good of the last year and breathe in optimism about the new one. It's a night filled with gratitude for the past and hope for the future. It's definitely not based on anything but our own resolution to make the next year great, and to bring change to our lives. So why spend tonight in desperation to hear who might change our country? Rather, let's teach our children to look at tonight as a way to make resolutions for the next four years to make a change in whatever areas we feel passionate about. Show our young people that living in a more pro-life country doesn't disproportionately depend on government, but on our day to day actions. If you wanted a pro-life president because you wanted a more pro-life country then sit down and come up with concrete resolutions of things you have control over that you can do in the next four years to make that happen. If you wanted a president that cares for the immigrants in our country then write down what YOU will do in the next four years for people in your own community.

This is really is an appropriate night for some prudent disappointment and healthy fear for what a president can affect in our country. However, we can never let that turn into despair, division, or bitterness. Treat tonight as you would New Years Eve and look back with gratitude, ahead with hope, and make some new resolutions to back up what you wrote on that ballot today. Show yourself and your children that we are an Easter people in any age and we have the power to bring hope and goodness into any situation.

One of my biggest pet peeves is watching everyone wanting to speak and no one wanting to listen. So, here's my shabby attempt to learn and listen.

If the Church truly cannot budge on its teachings on homosexual acts and unions what can it do? Hopefully most Catholics would acknowledge there is always more we can and should do to more intensely share the mission of the Church to all its members and the entire world. But, as I've searched for answers I have continuously found myself asking more questions. So, I really want to hear from those most affected by the Catholic Church's MEMBERS (Bishops, Priests, Lay, Religious, etc.) ignorance, distance, or sheer cluelessness on this matter. LGBTQ friends, help me, share with me, teach me as best as is possible, your experience, your ideas, your message. I believe it's important.

It may seem clinical putting this in a form but I'd like to share your responses with anyone who will value them and reflect upon them. Thank you in advance for your unique role in our Church. You are loved and important even if our members (myself included) are so terrible sometimes.

I include the teaching from the Catechism of the Catholic Church so I know we are starting on the same very basic understanding of what the Catholic Church objectively teaches, regardless of how well or poorly it is communicated, and whether or not you agree with it or not. I know this is understood differently by different people but that's what this survey is for. So, assuming the Church cannot change its teachings, let's start sharing.

Disclaimer: I am a Catholic School religion teacher and will always carefully teach what the Church teaches, but I think my convictions and communication of the Church's teachings can be strengthened by your stories. So, if there are people out there perhaps prudently worried that I am going to begin teaching things contradictory to the Church's teaching, please be assured I will not.

​One summer, for whatever reason, I had quite a few friends and new acquaintances open up to me about their struggles with same sex attraction. All were completely different, unique, and personal. Some had accepted and embraced it as a cross, others as a gift, and others as something to celebrate. A few had chosen to take on a certain life style that led them to SSA relationships, and others were still coming to terms with what their attraction all meant and how to live in good faith as a Catholic.

It's important to begin this post by saying I have never had this experience. I know nothing of what it feels like to find myself seriously attracted to someone or something that is condemned by the Church (other than all the time to sin, self love, pride, etc., but that's another post). So, as these unique souls opened up to me I had two options. Only two. I could tell them what I thought, believed, and had heard about their situation from articles, homilies, classes, morality, quotes, psychology, etc. OR I could be quiet and listen. Truly listen. Not the kind where you wince as you see them spiraling into some immoral wasteland you believe they are heading toward, but the kind of listening where you look them in they eye, contemplate their personhood, and treat them as teacher.

This is so scary because we seem to have little confidence in our own faith and think that if we truly listen it will somehow sway us or pollute our minds. We think that listening is supporting something we don't believe, rather than what it truly is which is listening to someone we love.

If we are honest with ourselves we are not very good at listening and learning anymore, especially as Catholics. We know what we believe gosh darn it, and if you have a challenging belief, not pure and scrupulously correct, then you are a challenge, rather a threat, to my faith, my children, and my society.

I get that we have good reasons to protect ourselves from past leniency gone wrong, and love turned harmful. I understand why some have a "hunker down and defend" mentality especially when it comes to SSA topics. We, as Catholics, fight against all sorts of agendas and for good reason. But, as an afterthought we realize we aren't just fighting the cause anymore; we are fighting against and harming our own members of our church, which the Catechism tells us are themselves carrying a heavy cross (CCC 2358).

So, all I'm proposing here is to try to listen and learn. Hand your convictions and beliefs over to Jesus. He will guard them as you enter into beautiful people's heartbreaking, heartwarming, astounding, and different stories. Allow yourself to even feel angry with our difficult teachings, as you struggle through what all of this means. Just because you allow yourself to learn from and feel for people with different views does not mean your views or beliefs have been deleted. Instead they will have been enriched. You'll find your beliefs and convictions to be stronger, more compassionate, and better communicated than before. People will want to listen to someone who has listened to them first because then you are in dialogue. Rather than talking at people different from you you will be speaking with them.

When I was in a graduate class we watched a movie on the experience of teens coming out to their parents from various cultures and religions. It was a difficult film to watch as it was filled with a lot of pain and struggle for both the parents and the teens. Before the film started, I spoke with Jesus and He encouraged me to really enter into the film. I was going to feel the feelings, burn with anger at the injustice, be sad over the loss. I knew my mind would not change on the Church's teachings on homosexuality, but I also knew my understanding of the teachings and the courage it takes to live them out would be challenged and strengthened. After watching the film I had burning questions I knew I needed answered. I wasn't scared of the questions. I just knew the answers would be important to find. The questions were, "How dare I have an opinion on any of this stuff that I know so little about?" and "How dare the Church deny these people romantic relationships?" My heart hurt from imagining the challenges that people face with SSA. It was tearing me apart that our teachings seemed so against their happiness.

I'm a theology teacher who always preaches that the Church only has hard rules because it fights for our happiness and, in that moment, that image wasn't coming through for me. I knew God would provide an answer but I had to be daring enough, trusting enough, to ask the question. How often do we shy away from asking these questions because we somehow think they are wrong, or we are afraid we will abandon our faith?

A year before this I had already had important conversations with various people who's views and lives differed from mine. I had talked with a women who identifies as bisexual, a man who had transitioned to a woman and had important stories to tell about his childhood and his religious education (which made me think about how I phrase things in the classroom), and a man who was in a serious relationship with another man. I learned so much about their unique experiences and they always gave me a chance to share my thoughts as well. We wholeheartedly listened to each other and discussed all there was to discuss about my views vs. theirs. In my grad class, after a presentation on LGBTQ topics by individuals living out those orientations, I asked whether or not they would still consider me loving and accepting even though I hold firm to Catholic teaching which disagrees with much of what they presented. They asked me to explain why I held those, and after honest but sensitive dialogue I received lots of compliments, and even some tears from those who admitted they had never experienced a strong Catholic who listened to and loved them so much.

So now, to get my answer, I went where most people wouldn't suggest going. I went to my grad classmate who was in a lesbian relationship and who had different beliefs than me. I asked her my questions. When I asked her how I could even have an opinion, or how she feels about the Church objecting to her romantic relationship, her answer was exactly what I needed. She said, "In my experience this honest rejection of gay marriage and homosexual actions by people who love me, particularly certain people in the Church, has only made me feel more loved because they truly believe it matters. They believe it is not good for me, and my happiness is at stake. I disagree with them, but I feel loved that they, that you, care that much." I was amazed and humbled to receive such a magnanimous answer from someone most Catholics would assume would respond with bitterness. I already knew all of the reasons the Church says "no" but I needed to know how that makes sense to someone other than me.

I feel more firm in my relationship with Mother Church than I ever could have had I not been willing to listen. For if I would have continued proclaiming what I knew with no reciprocation I would have never learned what others know and experience. I would have protected my faith and my students' faith from them. Banishing them and their stories out of the Church when we should be inviting them in and learning how to be a we. Homosexuality, gender topics, etc. would have continued to be something I condemned with little understanding of it rather than a lived experience of many members of our Church. The Church's teachings are unchanging and we are meant to bring them out into the world. But, does anyone think we are being effective when we know nothing of the experiences of the people we are trying to reach? Or when we are afraid to listen because we think that listening and compassion equals agreement? We want people to listen to us; it's pretty simple what we have to do then—LISTEN to others.

Disclaimer: In case there is any doubt, in case anyone is suspicious reading a blog about homosexual and gender topics, or in case I have any readers worried that I have tweaked Mother Church's teachings based on my listening to others, let me reiterate that I have not. I still proclaim all that the Catechism teaches to be true, and right, good, and beautiful. I still believe it is of extreme importance to build and teach a strong foundation and understanding of natural law, Catholic morality, objective truth etc. But instead of only understanding parts of the following paragraphs, I now understand all of them in a holistic way, especially paragraph 2358, and I more deeply understand the courage it takes to live out these teachings from all members of the Church, not just those with these tendencies.

2357 Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity,141 tradition has always declared that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered."142 They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial (heavy cross). They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God's will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.​