While some undoubtedly ignorant people today made much ado about the nothing engendered in the Vatican's redundant elevation of two dead old white males into so-called "sainthood", reasonable people are asking a more important question: "Why was Barack Obama ignored?"

"It is obviously blatant racism," said a non-white hispanic writer for the famous and intellectually impressive New York Times. "After all," he added with less outrage than we had expected, "Obama won a NOBEL PRIZE FOR CHRISSAKES! If THAT doesn't qualify him for sainthood, what the hell does?"

"And by the way," he continued with more outrage than we had expected, "why the hell are you asking a MALE writer? Why don't you talk to some WOMYN, you sexist neanderthal?"

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) stated for the record, "This proves what I've been saying since I thought of it a couple of minutes ago," Reid said. "The Catholic Church is nothing but another front for the Koch Brothers. 'Koch' and 'Pope' are both spelled with 4 letters with an 'o' as the second letter. Do I have to draw you a picture?"

Surprised by the controversy, apologists for the Catholic Church were quick to proffer the weak excuse that candidates must have miracles attributed to them, somehow implying that this requirement would rule Obama out.

But even these non-believers have to concede that Obama's mere election to the presidency in mean, racist America was a divine event in itself, a supernatural occurrence only overshadowed by Saint Barack's greatest wonder of all, the Miracle of Free Healthcare for Everyone (aka the Affordable Care Act.)

According to MSNBC's resident expert on religion, "The ACA beats that loaves and fishes thing Jesus did by a mile."

In midtown San Francisco, a grassroots religious activist whom we inadvertently awakened from midday meditation induced by medicinal marihuana, offered this blunt assessment: "What did these John Pope guys that the Catholics are all worked up about do? Fix a couple of broken fingers? Barack Obama raised a whole car company from the dead! Yeah, GM is alive and Osama is dead! In your face, John Pope!"

But while distressing in the short term, the anger and outrage Americans are feeling at today's slight by the Vatican may ultimately be a blessing in disguise. Analysts think it may finally bring about a much needed reassessment of the role played by some of the traditional so-called religions in our daily lives.

Perhaps it is time that the country dispenses with the practice of archaic, superstitious religious practices funded by right-wing billionaires and institutes a state-administered people's religious tradition where saints can be democratically elected instead of chosen by a racist, homophobic oligarchy. Not only will this bring about more diversity in the ranks of those declared to be saints but will allow non-religious people, long excluded from taking part in canonical activities, a greater voice in the way in these affairs are governed.

After all, why fool around with a sort-of-god when you can have the real thing?

Never have I seen an institution in greater need of affirmative action than this one. What could be more non-inclusive than Christianity? More bigoted? Narrow-minded? Intolerant? Hateful? And let’s not forget the old standby of mean-spirited.

This is nothing but religious terrorism, straight up. And all because Christians hate women and minorities and gays and Muslims. Because they hate. Because they don’t know anything else but hate.

Yes, there have been female saints. But how many of them were canonized because they had the courage to stand up for women’s rights, which is to say, reproductive rights? How many of them achieved what they did because of government assistance or because their daddy was a Democrat or they were married to a Democrat who believed in the redistribution of his sperm? Zero! They don’t count. Just like Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann don’t count and all other conservative women don’t count. Because they’re not real women.

How many of those female saints claimed to be victims? ZERO! Why, it’s precisely because they REFUSED to consider themselves victims that they became saints!

That’s almost as bad as people refusing to apply for food stamps or other government assistance because they’re still clinging to their outmoded sense of self-reliance, along with their god and their guns and their bible that hasn’t even been updated in almost two thousand years.

I ask you, what could be nobler, more worthy of sainthood, than to sacrifice your independence, your free will, your self-determination, your thoughts, indeed, your very soul, to something greater than all of us?

That something is Government. And Government knows better than any individual or the results of a democratic election who should be chosen for sainthood. Just ask Sonia Sotomayor.

Dear me, these gentlemammals demanding that Dear Leader be made a saint ... I am sure they know that one must be dead in order to be canonized ... so are they (gasp) demanding that Dear Leader be made dead??!!? Horrors! Hate Speech!™ Hate Crime!™ They must be placed on SPLC "Hate Group" list and be rounded up by BLM, DHS, FBI, BATF, or any other groups that have not yet gotten to round anyone up in the past week and want equal dibs on uprounding.

Maybe if Obama were dead that would help. The guy's a complete second-hander with no actual life of his own. He could live through the rest of time in the minds of others if he died and then got canonized. Hear that, Obama? Immortality, second-hand style! For the rest of time!

Dear Comrade Cat in the Chainmail Hat, don't get your tail in a twist; the very fact that the Church would not grant a waiver regarding Dear Leader's coporeal status is simply further evidence of their racism and homophobia.

And in one social-justified swipe of Obama's pen, the mightiest weapon in the progressive arsenal known as the R-Bomb has been implemented against the Vatican. Let this be a message to all ignorant hate filled white people everywhere who dare make a stand against our beloved dear leader!

WE, HERE, AT THE EASTERN BRANCH OF THE PEOPLES COMMUNICATION CONGLOMERATE AND MEDIA BROADCASTERS (EB-PCCMB), ARE OUTRAGED THAT SUCH A "KANONIZATION" WOULD INKLUDE THESE TWO REPUGNANT INDIVIDUALS AND OMIT OUR UNDEFEATED, GLORIOUS, UNBLEMISHED LEADER, MR. BARAKK HUSSEIN OBAMA!!! A SAINT HE IS!!! THE WORLD KNOWS THIS! WE KNOW THIS!!! WE PROTEST THIS DECISION AND BOYKOTT THE VATICAN CITY UNTIL A FORMAL APOLOGY AND IMMEDIATE KANONIZATION OF OUR UNBLEMISHED AND INSURMOUNTABLE LEADER IS INSTITUTED! WE DEMAND IT TODAY!!!! LONG LIVE OUR GLORIOUS LEADER!!!!!I'm not surprised that someone really hasn't made this charge yet. The left is basically loony....

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand

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