Sunday, April 29, 2012

So I guess I am back from hibernation. The last time I thought I'd write a post, there were just so many thoughts racing through my head in no particular order that I couldn't stop to write any of them down. I think it's time I bid goodbye to Project 366. I wanted to do it so badly and feel horrible about not being able to finish it. More than being busy, I was preoccupied with way too many things - one of which I am going to disclose today.

Sometimes, you want some people in your life because you like their presence. Sometimes, you want certain people to be around because they make you laugh. Some people comfort you, some offer a shoulder, some bring you peace, some help you in your work & day-to-day duties.

Then there are those rare ones who accept you wholly, love you and
worship you to the point of putting you on a pedestal. These are the
kind of people who change the way you look at yourself.

I had started loving myself through one such person - which was fine. But slowly, knowingly or unknowingly, that someone became an authority of my existence, someone without who's approval I couldn't go a day without. Although, all along I knew this was wrong, I guess I wasn't strong enough to change it or stop myself. Needless to say, I made both our lives miserable and hate myself for it. I never have (not even once) intended to hurt anyone, and yet I hurt someone so bad it felt like murder. I felt suffocated with all that guilt, made a whole lot of mistakes, played with my soul & morals too and now, everyday, I wish I could've listened to my heart and just been a little more stronger. AU did say that this was the worst way of killing yourself. I didn't realise how true that was. Day by day, I was losing a part of my soul. I was unintentionally crushing the other soul too. So, gradually, I had started moving on with my life.. loving myself, pushing myself to be stronger and to keep my head & heart together. I had plenty of things to look forward to. For one, I am finally going out of the country - to see my brother next month (I still have to get my visa stamped.. so let's discuss that later).

But one day, when I sensed that *that someone* was falling out of love with me, and all that love was slowly going to someone else I panicked. Big mistake again. I was already on my way to finding myself.. but knowing that all that love & acceptance was going away scared me. Even though I was getting stronger everyday, knowing that I had someone's whole acceptance of me made things easier. It was the only thing that I thought would always be stable in my life, it gave me strength and subconsciously I was still holding on to it. And when I realised that it wasn't forever and that it was fading, it crushed me.. and I made myself miserable again.

At this point of time, I really don't know whether to look back and regret or to look ahead and panic.
Trying my best to stay where I am.

I could've tackled the situation better, could've tried to live in the
moment and feel things for what they were, rather than dissect & analyse
everything. Maybe I'd have got all my answers then. I feel blanked out now. Dealing with feelings of sadness, anger and regret - all at the same time.

I don't know whether I was right or wrong, what I should and shouldn't have done in every situation, what would've happened had I stayed calm all throughout. Heck I don't even know whether I am a good person anymore.

But I know I have a lot of things to be thankful for - I am blessed with the awesomest friends, a super loving mom, a caring room mate, nice colleagues at work and lots of people who truly care about me. I couldn't have asked for more. It's time I stopped taking my life for granted. I am lucky indeed.

Right now I don't need anyone to even tell me how right or wrong I was. I don't even expect anyone to understand any of this. It's nice enough that all those people are still around and that they still love me. And I've never felt more grateful. I just want them to be there.

Slowly trying to keep my head & heart in place and just trying to be where I am - not in the past or the future, but right here. Keep losing it everyday and keep picking myself back up. Just hoping I don't lose patience with myself. That's my biggest fear.