Emirates Stadium fears Anchovy invasion

By Billy ‘the dog’ McGraw.

Head of Security, emirates stadium

Much has been made of the fact that the security services that run the Emirates Stadium – our stadium of choice – failed utterly to prevent some Tottenham fans throwing coins and other objects at ambulance men, while also failing to stop supporters of certain Merseysidic football “clubs” from letting off flares, smoke bombs and other smelly objects – despite repeated warnings from Untold that the events would happen.

Now the important point of this story is the predictive ability of Untold and much has been made of our staggering ability to see into the future.

But there is a secondary issue and which is that the security people at the Emirates failed to get to grips with the smoke bombers – despite the warning. Pictures of men in colourful jackets going into the crowd after the flare had gone off, and then five minutes later going back into the same part of the ground to get another one, and singularly failing both times as the standing fans refused to get out of the way to let them by, was perhaps amusing at one level – although worrying at another.

Of course the story did make the front cover of Playbeing, and was featured repeatedly on its football pages by Zaphod Beeblebrox, our reincarnated safety expert.

And so it is, without any hope or expectation that our warnings will be taken seriously that we issue our next safety notice:

Beware Anchovies.

Our awareness of this latest safety threat has arisen after police in Thessaloniki arrested a PAOK fan accused of delicately arranging a large number of fish of the anchovian variety on the seating area to be used by the management and others of Olympiakos. As a result the Greek Cup semi-final was delayed for over an hour.

Now a similar issue arose at the FA Cup semi-final this year when hundreds of pies were scattered around the Arsenal team area by Wigan fans before kick off in an attempt to slow our brave lads down. Fortunately Arsenal staff saw them in time and handed them to a supporter and his father sittin’ (as they say in blues music) just behind Drew and Tony opposite the half way line, and the pies were rapidly defused.

Back in Greece, six more PAOK supporters were arrested while throwing fish at police. PAOK won the match 1-0 despite a lot of fighting on the pitch, in the stands, and on the bench. The flare total ran into the thousands, many of which were thrown onto the pitch.

And this really is my point. Leaving aside the danger from anchovies (vicious brutes that can cut through a man’s leg with a single bight [are you sure of this Billy?- editor] the fact is that the anchovy situation began with a single fish, and the flare situation began with a single flare, just as the procreation of the species began with a single … ‘[I think that’s enough of that – ed]

After protests from the Anchovian ambassador, the Greek police announced that a 34-year-old man had been arrested and charged with crimes against fish. Olympiakos’ home ground, it should be added, is in port of Piraeus, and its supporters are nicknamed “anchovies”.

I need hardly tell you what this means for Arsenal. I mean how many Emirs will Liverpool fans dump in Mr Wenger’s seat? Will Arsenal fans react by dumping liver in Mr Rodgers seat? Will eternity be placed in the seats allocated to Everton staff? Will donkeys be found in the area arranged for Aston Villa?

@Guillaume le Chien,
This is yet another scare story about anchovy throwers contaminating the sacred turf of the Emirates.
Compared with the appalling contents of the Stadium pies that Tony keeps on reporting about, it could be that anchovies would be a dietary improvement.
Never having risked my delicate palate on the little creatures, I did a bit of internet research and found that in all the descriptions and recipes, NO MENTION OF BONES. In my experience that means they are infested with bones (essential anyway for their mass and bias to aide straight arm throwing.. Cricketers and grenade throwers will know what I mean).
The other peculiarity is that the taste of anchovies is known as “umami” which I always thought was a tidal wave following a subterranean earthquake.

Billy,
I am truly appalled by the laxity or in fact sheer incompetence of club security staff.
If Arsenal reacted by “accidentally” secreting foie gras all over Mr. Rodgers already poo laden seat (…of his pants, squeaky bum time etc etc). It may well take all summer to decontaminate the stadium. That will mean no Green day concerts, no medical conferences, or no emirates cup. I think i speak for all goons, when i say the prospect of such an interminable summer is unbearable.
These things have a habit of back firing but can also bring the short term gratification, i confess to having learned this the hard way,We put drawing pins in Mr Martinez’s seat but the bugger stood on the touchline for the full 90, we are currently planning a multifarious stratagem, involving errant sprinklers, vaselining the technical area, sympathetic courier pigeons… but i digress.
I write in to urge restraint and extreme caution when handling donkeys, i bear scars both physical and mental from another lesson learned the hard way, they are natures backfirers and they eat grass and they invariably do just exactly what THEY want to do.
I can assure you, the short term pleasure you may derive from watching Paul Lambert attempting to recreate Jesus entering Jerusalem as King of Israel, while we thrash him with palm leaves will be a mere trifle posited against the despondency and desolation and loss of self esteem that being outwitted by a donkey brings.
I’d really like to reach out to my fellow goobers here as the clubs security team are going to be stretched what with anchovy rain and everything, if you are offered the chance to lead a donkey to the emirates, or have a particularly leafy palm leaf then placed next a whiny Scot, Resist.

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!

HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2014, the penis will now be taxed according to size:

Older people do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.

Researchers say this slowing down is not the same as cognitive decline.

“The human brain works slower in old age,” said Dr. Michael Ramscar, “but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.”

DAD: Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.

BOY: “Dear Lord” he started.

Thank u for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream.
Bless them so they won’t come again.
Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and
wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy’s Iphone and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom’s room when daddy is at work.