Everything You Need To Know About Iraq

October 18, 2002|By Christopher Buckley

Q: Where do Americans stand on invading Iraq?

A: According to the latest polls, a majority of Americans are for "doing something" about Iraq, unless this means higher gasoline prices, a further decline in the stock market, U.S. casualties or an epidemic of smallpox.

Q: Does President Bush have political motives in stirring up national sentiment against Iraq?

A: While he has emphatically denied that the November elections play a role, a CD-ROM disc recently found in Lafayette Square belonging to Karl Rove, the president's political counselor, contains a file labeled "How We Can Make the Democrats Look Like Dips in November by Fomenting War."

Q: Does Bush have a personal motive for wanting "regime change" in Iraq?

A: Aside from the fact that Saddam Hussein targeted his father for assassination in 1993, none.

Q: Did Saddam Hussein also target his mother?

A: Even Hussein is not mad enough to take on Barbara Bush.

Q: Why hasn't the United Nations enforced the resolutions it passed on Iraqi weapons of mass destruction?

A: Under Article 45 (b) of the U.N. Charter, "the primary responsibility for saving the world from itself shall be the United States' problem" while the U.N. "shall concentrate on vetoing any U.S. attempt to do something about it and denouncing it for unilateralism."

Q: Is it normal for a White House press secretary to call for the assassination of a foreign head of state?

A: While this is not typical of official press announcements in the past, White House press secretaries are being given more and more latitude in their remarks about which foreign leaders they would like to see killed or violently removed from office.

Q: Saddam Hussein is reported to use identical "doubles" for security purposes. How will we know if we have eliminated the right man?

A: The CIA estimates that there are currently some 8 million Hussein look-alikes in Iraq. They are kept in the basements of the presidential palaces, in the cellars housing Hussein's collection of vintage Mateus rose wines. Following the U.S. invasion, the doubles will be individually tagged and taken to a new facility being built on the U.S. military base in Guantanamo, Cuba, where they will be sorted and undergo DNA analysis so that the actual Hussein can be tried for crimes against humanity.

Q: Would the Iraqi military remain loyal to Hussein in the event of an overwhelming U.S. attack?

A: Hussein has been successful over the years in inculcating loyalty and esprit de corps among his top military officers by paying them well, remembering family birthdays and other important dates, offering incentive weekend stays at presidential palaces, and periodically shooting every third one during staff meetings.

Q: Apparently the United States has plans, following a swift military victory, to occupy Iraq and administer it as it did postwar Japan and Germany. How long will it take to fashion a peaceful, pluralistic democracy out of a region of fractious tribes that have been killing each other since the seventh millennium B.C.?

A: According to the State Department, "nation-building" in Iraq could take from six to nine months, depending on such factors as weather, ability to rapidly deploy McDonald's and Starbucks, and "stay-behind" Hussein doubles who might counterattack with Molotov cocktails made from empty bottles of Mateus.

Christopher Buckley is the editor of "Forbes FYI." His new book is "No Way to Treat a First Lady." He wrote this for The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, DC 20071.