Alternatives To Steak & Blow Job Day

Seven Hilarious Alternatives To Steak & BJ Day That Have Us Even More Excited

In this P.C. age, holidays we all used to celebrate together are having wars waged against them. Christmas. Thanksgiving. And now, worst of all, Steak & Blowjob Day, the male answer to Valentine's Day.

Yes, fellas — there are people out there who think a holiday set up to exclusively celebrate boyfriends and husbands by rewarding them with oral sex and red meat is somehow sexist. And, if you think about it, they might be right. Why? Because it implies that a holiday devoted to romantic love like V-Day could only possibly appeal to women, and that the only things real men like are sex acts where they don't have to contribute anything, and meat. Which is a pretty zero-dimensional portrait of real manhood, if you ask me.

Don't settle, guys! We're worth more than this.

Luckily, I did a little research and discovered seven little-known alternative holidays — that I may or may not have made up — that you can consider celebrating instead. So, let’s let this comically bad response to Valentine’s Day elegantly fade away into darkness and, in the meantime, consider these seven more amusing alternatives.

1. Peanuts & Everclear Day

Carlee Ranger

Celebrated on: April 14th

Shelled peanuts, honey-roasted peanuts, spicy peanuts, wasabi peanuts, who cares? Hell, you can even use peanut butter for all we care — we just want to know that you’ve got a big jug of industrial-strength Everclear to wash all those sweet legumes down. Celebrating Peanuts and Everclear Day is literally the least you can do, so why not just do it? Just make sure you don’t drink too much Everclear, because it will literally kill you. Actually, same goes for those peanuts, you know… if you’re allergic to peanuts.

2. Red Wine & Lunch Meat Day

Carlee Ranger

Celebrated on: May 14th

Red wine! Ahh. Lunch meat! Ahh. Why not pair something that you associate with the carefree days of school lunches with something you drink after you spent all morning preparing your stupid kids’ school lunches? Red Wine and Lunch Meat Day will be a holiday for loving couples who despise the hardships their children brought into their lives and would give anything to jump into a time machine and slap on a rubber. Turkey and Chiraz? Yes, please!

3. Puppies & Colt 45 Day

Carlee Ranger

Celebrated on: June 14th

In an attempt to shake up the comfort levels of people everywhere, here’s an idea for a pairing that turns the idea of an odd couple upside down. Wait for it: puppies and malt liquor. Hear me out: both are small, both are cheap, both are occasionally brown, and both make you drunk with happiness. What better way to challenge the confines of boring holidays than getting absolutely blitzed with a tiny husky pup named Pickle? (Please do not eat said puppy.)

4. Arbor Mist & Spam Day

Carlee Ranger

Celebrated on: July 14th

So, you hate holidays. I get it. What else do you hate? If your answer is: “everything,” then consider the idea of Arbor Mist and Spam Day — a day in which all the worst food and drink products are jammed into one plate and forced down your throat to celebrate your rampant nihilism. If you’re thinking “hey, I’m not a nihilist,” then consider this: Washing down Spam with Arbor Mist will undoubtedly make you appreciate everything in life that is not Spam and Arbor Mist. It’s like hitting yourself with a hammer and patting yourself on the shoulder for stopping.

5. Whiskey & Slightly Better Whiskey Day

Carlee Ranger

Celebrated on: August 14th

If you’re into whiskey, but can’t tell a Laphroaig from a Fireball, then you absolutely have to try out Whiskey and Slightly Better Whiskey Day. It’s actually a simple premise: You set up a table with two unmarked bottles of whiskey. One is good and the other is slightly better. You and your guests then have to taste both bottles and guess which one is the slightly better brand. The winner gets to drink the slightly better whiskey, while the loser polishes off the other bottle. In the end, everyone gets extremely drunk on whiskey… and friendship!

6. Vodka & Fast Food Chicken Sandwich Day

Carlee Ranger

Celebrated on: September 14thTo hell with conventions and to hell with even trying, guys. What’s the point of cards, presents, chocolates or any of that corporate garbage that you’ll find in the discount aisle of CVS on the next day? Vodka and Fast Food Chicken Sandwich Day gives you a cheap and dirty holiday in which you and your bae can happily quench your hunger and thirst at the same time for under $10. What kind of chicken sandwich? Any kind! What kind of vodka? The cheapest! Just enjoy your meal together and dance like nobody’s watching or whatever.

7. Avocados & Cunnilingus Day

Carlee Ranger

Celebrated on: October 14th

This is the exact opposite of Steak and a Blowjob Day, come to think of it. Is it a fact that all women love avocados? No, but, come on; so many women love avocados. And cunnilingus, for that matter! So if you're a more "traditional" couple, and she's chill with Steak and a Blowjob Day (it does purport to fight cancer, after all!) then why not treat her to Avocados & Cunnilingus Day? Just drizzle some olive oil, add a dash of salt and pepper, serve up some Pinterest-worthy avocado halves, and then get to lickin'. Because, in the end, oral sex solves any argument.