What did Eleanor Roosevelt have in common with Oscar Wilde, Socrates, Mother Teresa, Balzac, Bertrand Russell, and the Old and New Testament? No they were not all Geminis. They believed gossiping is somewhere between a sin and unethical. That would place most of us on the spectrum between sinners and unethical.

Ben Bycel

It seems, no matter how hard we try, most of us can’t resist gossiping or listening to gossip. Maybe it is part of our DNA, and we can’t help it? The late Andy Warhol may have said it best: “I have a social disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night, I start spreading rumors to my dogs.”

We can dispense with any ethical argument that gossiping has any social virtue. It does not. A question, however, that has not been frequently discussed is whether the mere listening to, rather than spreading, gossip is unethical. Is the listener of the gossiper as guilty as the perpetrator?

What ethically can the listener do when hearing gossip? Maybe Socrates and Mother Teresa, to name a few heavyweight historical icons, would cut the gossiper off? How about us mere mortals? What would we do? I think few of us, me included, would have the courage to tell the gossiper that what he was doing was offensive and ask him to stop.

Let’s change the scenario. What if you actually know the truth (facts) about the person who is the subject of the gossip and it contradicts the version told by the gossiper? What if the information is private?

Do you speak up? Set the record straight? Do you challenge the person spreading the gossip? What is the ethically right thing to do? If you do not challenge the gossiper, you have encouraged him to continue to spread false information to others.

In a perfect world where there would be no repercussion to your act, you would challenge the gossiper. But what do you do when the gossiper is your boss, a good friend, or someone who is in a position to do you social or economic harm if you openly challenge him? Maybe even spread rumors about you?

The ethical dilemma is to weigh your own social, and maybe even economic, well-being versus that of the person who is the subject of the gossip. Do you decide, regardless of the potential negative consequences to yourself, to challenge the gossiper? Do you tell him that he is wrong or that the information he is spreading is private?

Or maybe you go to the person who is the subject of the gossip and tell her what is being said? What if she confronts the person whom you name as the source of the gossip and that person denies it? Or even worse, the gossiper points the finger at you as the source of the gossip.

That scenario might make for a thrilling episode of the Housewives of Goleta, but it doesn’t shed light on the ethical dilemma we face when it comes to gossip. Is all gossiping bad? Maybe not. What if the statements made are not flattering but are true? Someone tells you that you neighbor spent a few years in jail; he shows you documents to prove it. You tell others about it.

The Old and New Testament speak of gossipers as those who talk about the failings of others, or who reveal potentially embarrassing or shameful details about another’s life. Neither makes a distinction between true and false gossip. It’s the act of talking about someone is that is the sin.

Finally, what if the gossip is positive but private information? In other words, just because something is true, does it justify gossip?

“Joan has gotten a new job” or “Barry has set a date for his wedding.” “Larry is going around the world.” All are true, but at this point non-public, information.

Assuming these statements are accurate, they do not appear to shine poorly on anyone. However, some religious, ethical, and moral fundamentalists would still argue that any discussion, true or not, about another’s secrets is still gossip.

I admit, at times I’m a blabber and even on occasions a gossiper.

Certainly, I’m not proud of it. If I can’t curb my lesser instincts, then maybe I should like, Andy Warhol, stay at home and just gossip with my chocolate Labrador, Ali.

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Comments

"Or maybe you go to the person who is the subject of the gossip and tell her what is being said?"

BINGO! I learned that while working at a gossip mill. I had passed along stories 2 or 3 times, saying "I don't know if this is true, but I heard...." But when I found out that one of them was concocted, I got mad, and the next time a bad story came around, I went hunting for truth. When a nice lady was being lied about inadvertently, I went to her and asked about the story. She was flabbergasted, and blurted out the likely source of the lie, a supervisor well-known to be venomous. The supervisor had done a mean trick on the nice lady, and was then lying about her to discredit her in advance, in case the truth came out. Well, I preached the gospel of ASK, DAMMIT, but as far as I could tell, the eternal rules of gossip were followed as slavishly as before, world without end, amen.

Thanks to billclausen for the link. George Harrison’s mother was from an Irish Catholic family, and apparently made quite an impression on him. Good song, the very truth of the matter.

This is a fine article by Ben Bycel, in which he raises many questions, any one of which could paralyze a person into uncaring acceptance of the person gossiping and the gossip that they convey.

Gossips are politicians. They have to invent reasons that someone else is a bad person, thinking that conveying such information somehow makes them superior to them. They always need an enemy to justify their own existence.

Is listening to a gossip unethical? The better question is: why are you even around a person who would tell tales to others about YOU? Because by talking about others, by default they will make up stories about you.

There is a tired (but nonetheless true) old saying that goes: “With friends like that, who needs enemies?”

After interviewing a person on his show, Thom Hartmann refuses to take comments after the person is no longer on the air. He does that because he says that the interviewee can no longer defend himself, or respond to correct any incorrect impressions.

Wish all people were that honorable.

At one time, I had to attend dinners where the hostess not only showed off her cooking skills, but gossiped about people who were not there. Well, there, I have broken the gossip rule, myself, to provide an example.

I was thankful when I no longer had to attend the gossip dinners. And that I am no longer the subject of very erroneous, baseless claims. Gossip is poison and akin to a witch-hunting mindset.

If I have to listen to gossip, I often say that there are always two sides to a story (often three sides, two sides and the truth), and until both are known, one cannot come to a conclusion.

I would rather be obsessed with knowledge than what others do with their lives or what they look like. It is petty and often indicates a mind that is not productively occupied.