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This week we’re taking the bacon weave to new heights. Not only are we going to make a pizza ‘crust’ out of bacon, we’re going to make two bacon pizza crusts, put a nice cheesy loaded scrambled egg blend (BECAUSE ITS 2018 AND MAC AND CHEESE IS OUT) between them and top that shit with some more breakfast suspects.

The first step is to make yourself a few bacon weaves. Its going to take about 2lbs of bacon in total to knock this fucker out. Make sure you get yourself some decent bacon. You can get thick cut but you’ll end up with a smaller end product.

Now you can go one of two ways here – You can make 2 decent sized crusts for 1 decent sized breakfast pizza, or you can make four smaller crusts for two smaller pizzas. That decision is up to you.

Once you have your bacon weave crusts cooked all you have left to do is build. You could stuff the crusts with cheesy home fries, a blend of breakfast meats, maybe stick a big waffle in there. You have to be a thinker here. Don’t be a fucking generic Eric. Make something official.

In my opinion It’s the most literal form of visual food porn. Well there’s that and filming an actual porn with some food.

For some reason no one has had the audacity to stick a nice hunk of JPC – that’s jalapeño popper chicken for those of you who start paying attention 3 paragraphs in – between two slices of bread and serve it up on a comfortable looking bed of avocado.

That’s what we’re going to do today.

The first step is to flatten and season your boneless chicken breast. Season liberally. I used some cracked pepper, salt, crushed red pepper and some Italian seasoning.

Fill a few jalapeños with cream cheese, I cut the tops off and scooped out the majority of seeds, but I made sure to leave some so I could experience that sweet jalapeño heat.

Time to get the jalapeños wrapped up in the chicken. Once you have the chicken all wrapped up be sure to season the outside of it as well.

Get the chicken into a hot pan. The cast iron is nice because you can go from stop top to oven.

When the bottoms of the chicken breasts have a nice sear to them slide them in the oven at 375° for 35-40 minutes, or until bacon looks cooked. I finished them off under the broiler for a couple minutes to crisp the bacon up a bit more.

Finally you’ll build your sandwich. You’ll notice the chicken is HUGE. I think the only real way to battle this would be to cut the jalapeños in half the long way. It was a wide load to stuff into my mouth….but I still managed.

The sandwich in which you are viewing with your eyes is made entirely out of ramen noodles.

Actually its about 70% ramen noodles, 45% puréed butter beans & chickpeas, and like 7% Old Bay Seasoning. Well – actually with the ramen thats also crusted on the outside its about 82% ramen. Im no mathematician but thats a solid 212% of pure ramen fuckery.

The idea for this came to me during an extensive marijuana day dream. If you don’t know what a marijuana day dream is, its when you’re high on marijuana during the day and a shitty idea pops up in your little brain compartment.

The idea was simple:

purée a bunch of shit – make patties from said pile of puréed shit – deep fry – sell out – cash in – bro down.

What you end up with is a basic white trash hummus. Some real sticky-icky. You could lay brick with this shit. I’m not sure if its the marijuana talking, but I’m even thinking I could start up one of those YouTube channels where its just videos of me sticking my fingers in this P.F.P. (Physical Fart Paste)

Todays recipe is a shrimp cocktail grilled cheese. Shrimp cocktail is one of the more popular party foods among people who tend to show up with bags of fucking chips. Like, you should up with ruffles and here you are shoveling shrimp into your fucking suck hole? Get fucking real. I dunno. I’m just rambling at this point.