Blog: themindfulgut

I sat on my meditation cushion and could not stop thinking: What am I going to eat for lunch today? What do I need to buy at the grocery store? Oh no, I forgot to call back the school. I never did pick up that dry cleaning.
Meditation can not possibly be a beneficial exercise, I am not getting anything out of this.

I always thought it was a positive trait to be a thinker, but now I’m beginning to doubt it – I can’t turn it off.

I told my yoga teacher about my inability to stop thinking. This is not working for me- surely there is something else I can do to get the same benefits one gets when meditating.

Just come back to the breath, she told me.

Everyone has thoughts, even the most committed practitioners. Do not judge yourself or think that you are “bad” at meditating because your mind wanders and you begin to think about things – random things – things that might even make you anxious.

The key in that moment is to notice the thought, see it float by, then return to focus on the breath.

When you concentrate on the breath, and return to focus on it once your thoughts are adrift, you are training your brain to focus on one thing. You are channeling your mind to go inward even during moments of distraction from the outside world. This takes much practice. Monks have been at it for centuries. Even the most committed yogis practice returning to the breath. We all have thoughts. We all wander.

When we live in our mind, in the past or the future, we might hold onto pain or regret. We might live in fear – which inevitably affects our physical body. Focusing on the breath and living in the moment is how we begin to let go – let go of our tension and let go of whatever negativity might be occupying our thoughts. This is how we truly release the stress that can affect our physical body. When our body is stressed, our digestion suffers. We suffer.

By focusing on the breath we can learn to return to the most basic moments in everyday life. The next time you are in a stressful situation or you feel discomfort in your body, take a moment to sit. In your home, in your car, in a café. Stop and inhale deeply, expanding first in your belly, then the ribs and then the chest. Then on an exhale in the opposite direction. If you do this for several breaths and focus on what you are doing, a calm will return to you. Breathe into your digestive system and notice how it feels. Just as in meditation, it might feel odd at first. You might not see any immediate changes. But keep trying, a little every day. You will eventually feel a shift. You will feel more connected to your body and you will have the skill to calm your body and your mind in any given moment. You will be alive in the present moment – not living in your mind – able to help your body get the calm that it needs.

A recent study confirmed the long held belief in yoga and in healing circles that meditation decreases illness, inflammation and depression. One thing however that this new study suggests is that people who meditate are also less lonely- further decreasing inflammation and depression, leaving practitioners of meditation in overall better health.

Loneliness is one of those human emotions that all people experience but few discuss. Talking about it can make us seem needy or depressed, and could possibly make us more lonely by alienating us from other people. That said, we all have moments when we feel alone, unheard or situated in a place where we cannot relate to anyone else.

For many years I struggled with colitis in silence- I never shared any real details of the disease with anyone for I feared others wouldn’t understand my plight or would find it boring. Sometimes, I just didn’t want to bring myself down by talking about it. Now, I realize that my avoidance may have been one of the things that kept me sick for so long.

Many people are finally speaking out about Colitis and Crohns Disease and those suffering are finding community through the internet and other channels. Hopefully this will eradicate the notion that people suffering from Colitis or Crohns have to go it alone. Because now we know, this could be one of the important factors preventing us from healing ourselves.

I was mixing the second of five concoctions that I would ingest that day. This cleanse was serious; five drinks and one colonic each day for five days. No solid food. Just water. As I stood at the kitchen counter, intently mixing bentonite clay, psyllium seed husks, apple pectin and peppermint leaf, I turned to see my husband staring at me with amazement. “Do you think I’ve gone over the edge?” I asked. “Well,” he began, “I just feel like you should be wearing a sari, not an outfit from the Barney’s sample sale.”

I saw his point. I had changed significantly since embarking on a journey that began in 2009 when, in an effort to stand in solidarity with my son as we dealt with his apparent GI disorders, I took dairy out of my diet. It was so radically beneficial for me, I went further. I helped myself by changing my diet in other ways, deepening my yoga practice and finding and releasing the great stressors in my life. Over the course of four years, I went from buying food only sold at my neighborhood co-op, to reading the labels at the co-op, to making many of my own ingredients in order to cut out additives and chemicals - even those generally deemed harmless. I also went weekly to a craniosacral therapist, participated in a yoga teacher training program, and started writing as a way to deal with the difficulties in my life. I came up with the idea for this blog in an effort to share the nuggets of knowledge I managed to pick up along the way with a community of like-minded people.

As most readers of this blog probably know, there are many of us out there; individuals with autoimmune disorders seeking answers and advice as to how best to cure, or at least minimize, our afflictions. We look for community to connect, share ideas and commiserate.

Meghan O’Rourke is one of those people, as she explains in her beautifully written piece that appeared in the August 26, 2013 New Yorker magazine, entitled “What’s Wrong With Me.” O’Rourke’s essay chronicles her struggles with autoimmune disease and the mysteries surrounding her illness. She is always aching, fatigued, in pain and confused about her ailments. She is unsure what is going on with her body and wonders how she can get the energy and strength she needs to get through the day. But she goes on to talk about a deep emotional side-effect of her journey – a fear that her efforts to heal and understand her body were altering her identity from person (perhaps with some mysterious ailments) to patient. She engages with other sufferers online. She completely changes her diet by eliminating many foods and she turns to a varierty of supplements, vitamins and minerals. She engrosses herself in the Specific Carbohydrate Diet for a month. She makes her own almond milk (no easy task), brushes her body to help stimulate her lymphatic system and rid herself of toxins. She swallows pills and liquids that can make one gag. It is very compelling and extremely familiar. And although it’s working – she is healing herself somewhat – she questions whether the incremental medical gains are worth the nagging feeling of obsession and seeming loss of self. Her excellent piece challenges us to look in the mirror and ask the questions she asked: have I gone over the edge? Am I letting all of this define me?

Those of us with disease do have choices. We can immerse ourselves in the world of the healing. We can read everything, connect to others with similar struggles, change our diets, our habits, our environments and open our minds to new therapies and answers so that we can change our bodies and live a healthier life. But along with that comes the risk of becoming obsessive about these ideas and driving ourselves and our loved ones nuts.

Of course, we also have the choice to do nothing, avoid change and carry the risks that go along with just living (in some cases for many years) with disease. In our efforts not to get sucked into the fanatical world, we can go on living a “normal” life and hope for the best.

We also have the choice to find balance.

O’Rourke chose to eat well (but not always following everything to the letter) while living her life and accepting her disease. I chose to immerse myself completely. I allowed my journey to unfold before me, taking me on retreats to learn about proper digestion , working with different healers and eating many different foods. All of this has worked wonders for me on a physical and psychological level. But when I asked my husband if I had gone over the edge, what I was really doing was asking myself. I realized that I might have been farther gone than I was emotionally healthy. For years, I had followed a strict diet and created many wonderful new recipes which I loved. But once I moved to Vermont and had more time on my hands, I went many levels deeper. Defeating illness became my life. That moment in the kitchen gave me pause; it alerted me that my ability to dive so deeply, while incredibly helpful and useful, could also be causing me to lose myself in a never ending quest.

The yogis say that just by noticing and acknowledging one’s behaviors, we can create the change we need. By acknowledging, out loud, that I was close to fanaticism I was able to see things more clearly as how to approach my illness. Yes, I continue to educate myself and encourage my family to try certain foods. I still watch what I eat and try new things. In fact, this week my son and I are eating soup, trying out the GAPS diet (so we can both possibly eat dairy again one day). But by taking a moment to pause, I was able to see this all in perspective. What came out of this for me was the importance of living mindfully and with intention to feel good both physically and emotionally. For me the key is focusing on family, friends, work, interests and hobbies - so that this disease is a part of my life, but isn’t it entirely.