31 Answers

Neither. Anothers persons sadness or anger is their issue. Offering support is one thing but taking on and being effected by anothers mood is codependent. If their sadness and/or anger became a chronic condition I wouldn’t be willing to “deal” with it unless they were actively seeking help.

If the anger or sadness was the primary mood all the time, he would not be my SO. You have to live with your SO’s temperament and you can choose who your SO will be. But as to your question, I find it easier to cope with sadness than anger. Anger is scary to me.

The first three years were the trying years for us. I was set in my ways and she was set in hers. We both knew we had to meet somehwere in the middle, if we were to survive. It was a challenge for both of us.

We were determined to make it work and it did. It was give and take all the way.

The beauty part of it all was that we worked out our problems together and no one ran home to their parents. Not so with married couples today. One little upset and its off to the parents house to be assured that their “little darlin”” was correct and the other party was the bad guy. This never happened with us.

Ugh. Anger is more corrosive to the relationship itself, I find. I read studies recently that counter the conventional wisdom that anger should be expressed rather than suppressed. They indicated that letting anger out really does undermine affection in ways that are hard to undo, and doesn’t have the advertized benefits anyway.

Sadness is a drag, and often causes the sufferer to withdraw emotionally from the relationship, but this kind of distance leaves fewer scars.

I would have to say they are both equally difficult to deal with as far as my SO is concerned. When he is sad it manifests itself as anger. But because I know him and when something is wrong, I know how to offer support and reassurance to diffuse the situation.

@Coloma Sorry, I thought that when you wrote, “being effected by anothers mood is codependent,” you were saying that it’s bad to reflect someone else feeling sad. I thought you were saying, you couldn’t be bothered.

Incidentally, the whole “chronic” thing is your projection, not part of the OP.

He doesn’t show sadness so not that emotion. Or he hides it by being quiet or whatever he does. Anger with this s/o is a non-issue, really. I don’t encourage it which helps a lot . That is, if I think he’s getting angry which means he’s tired and hungry usually, I just leave him alone.

I think anger is easier to deal with in my own relationship because it is rarely, if ever, directed at me. It’s a short-lived emotion that stays on the surface. Some mutual venting and humor will quickly dissipate it or it will run its own course.

Sadness runs deeper. And is a much more complex emotion. While I do feel that I can help him through it, it hurts me to see him that way—even for a short time.

But in previous relationships where their anger was directed at me, it’s much more difficult. As @Blackberry already mentioned, anger can be pretty volatile.

Both would be horrible to deal with. It does depend on the context (again) of course. Is he angry at me? Or at his colleagues? If it is at some external person/situation I would work with him to find a solution or debrief. If it is about me, it depends on whether the anger is deserved or not and whether it is something I can resolve.

Sadness again depends on the context. Is this a long-term situation that he is unwilling to resolve? Is he depressed? Has something happened that has left him sad?

I couldn’t choose one over the other without knowing why he is angry or sad. Really though, unless this is a personality trait that isn’t going away, I hope I would work with him to resolve the situation and to help him feel better.

I didn’t say anything about walking out… I’m just (by nature) a very resilient person.. not overly (or underly) emotional.. All I said was that I find chronic depression difficult to deal with.. especially because life is but a whisper… might as well whisper about something pleasant.

I’ve been through both with people that weren’t SO’s for periods of time.

My take, at this point in my life I can’t deal with either for more than a flicker at a time. Life is too damn short. If a SO was stuck in a sad or an angry place for longer than a day, he’d need to want to get his shit together, or I’d get it together for him and we’d be done.

How do we deal with either in our relationship now? We tell each other our feelings. If I need time alone, or he does, we give each other space.

@SpatzieLover So… if someone has a family member die and is sad for a week, you boot them to the curb? I mean there are legitimate reasons to be sad and angry. So I’ll ask you what I asked @digitalimpression…

What do you mean by, “Life is too short?” It seems like a blanket excuse for doing whatever please oneself and leaving others to fend for themselves the way you’re using it. What am I missing?

I am highly empathetic @6rant6. I do what I need to, to protect myself.

If my spouse couldn’t get over the death of someone that didn’t live in our home, I’d suggest some therapy to work through the stages of grief. If someone in our immediate family passed, we’d both be grieving. I think of actual stages of grief differently than I do of a blanket emotion like sadness.

Life is too short means exactly as it sounds. I’m here to live, not to get stuck. I’ll keep moving forward and growing.

@6rant6 I’m not a depressed person. I find it hard to deal with people who are. Is that simple enough? I’m not sure why you are being so defensive. I could hazard a guess but I won’t do so without knowing you in any way.

But what does that have to do with “Life is too short”? Is life is too short to deal with cancer, and car wrecks, and downsizing?

You say you are not a depressed person. My question was not about depression but about sadness and anger. Most healthy people are sad from time to time. Things happen. We get sad. With time, mostly, we get over it. Our loved ones – our normal healthy loved ones – get sad and angry from time to time. I suppose it’s a choice to say, “Life is too short” but what does that mean? Do you not empathize with their sadness or anger?

@6rant6 I specifically said chronic depression. Chronic depression isn’t something you should have based on the things you mentioned. Chronic depression in a person is indicative of the necessity for professional assistance. I never claimed to be happy 100% of the time. That’s just ridiculous.

Let me see if I can make this a little more clear.“In your primary relationship, do you find it harder to deal with your significant other being angry or being sad? How does each of these effect you?”
Being sad. It makes me sad and I don’t like being sad.

Sad. It’s my nature to want to help but with anger and sadness but it’s on him to deal with it in his own way, his own time. Anger usually has quicker resolution than grief because he’s generally very reasonable guy.