Willy Warmers

During winter, you cover all your extremities -- except those most essential to your happiness. To rectify this, order a Willy Warmer, this season's coziest addition to your genital wardrobe. The Warmer's a custom-fit, hand-knit johnson sock, with an attached pouch to secure your beans. It was designed by a Colorado man who refused to accept that frigid temperatures meant living with a shriveled unit. Both the sock and cup may be bought a la carte -- though we suggest getting the package deal. Because all D's are special, Warmers come in a wide variety: Materials: These range from sensible machine-washable acrylic, to wool, chenille and, for nights when you're hitting the town, lustrous mohair. Styles: Many colors and patterns are available, as well as animals like elephants, giraffes, and of course, cocks. Sizes: Standard sizes cover 1-12 inches, but anything longer (or God forbid, shorter) can be custom ordered. The teste-cup also comes to size, so you won't be wrestling mangoes into a thimble, or losing blueberries in a car cover. The Warmer is on sale only via PayPal or personal check, but we've already ordered some, and found them glorious. Remember, though: the Warmer protects you from the cold. Sex with any woman who'd let you wear one during the deed guarantees some sort of infection, and it won't be the Warmer's fault.