Helping Kids Behave Part Four

language was quality time. This
father had spent an entire weekend with his son and had an important meeting
when they came back. As he was leaving for the meeting the son asked if he had
a minute. He was really asking do you really care about me.

Rather than
becoming angry, the father told him he had to go to the meeting then but asked
if they could get together when he came back and most important set a time for
them to get together. It is vitally important that students know you care about
them. Try learning to speak all five languages and then use them with your
class, children, and or spouse for a week and compare your results.

This
also relates to where power is located in the home, school and the classroom.
Johnson & Johnson (1994) describe five bases of power, reward, coercive,
legitimate, referent, expert, and informational. Of the six bases the weakest
are legitimate and coercive.

Therefore if your only source of power to run your
classroom or home is because you are the boss and can punish them, you are in a
relatively weak position. Not only that, but research on group interaction
shows that while individuals will do what a coercive leader wants they will
avoid interacting with that leader in the future.

Group effectiveness improves
when the leader’s power is based on competence, expertise, and information. You
need to build a power base anchored in the students’/child’s perception of you
as someone who can give valued rewards, who has information they NEED and do
not have, and most importantly, as
someone they admire and want to emulate. Caring helps build all three of these
bases.

People usually want to be like people who care about them. Speaking a child’s
love language is a reward.

And they come to know that you have
knowledge that can help them control their behavior. As such you are empowering
them. These are very powerful tools.

Gordon (1993) notes that leaders can
increase their own power by sharing power with others. Some of the methods she
recommends are very familiar to good teachers.

Give them empowering
information. Provide emotional support. Offer words of encouragement. Serve as
a role model. And facilitating mastery of a task.

These are strikingly similar
to Chapman’s acts of service, affirming
words, quality time, and gifts. In the course of all that one might also pat
the individual on the back, touch.

This
does not mean one should let kids get away with a lot. As Davis, Nelson &
Gauger, point out part of love is setting limits. Children feel safe when they
know an adult is in control.

Kids also need to learn that their actions have
consequences. Most law enforcement officres will not be psychologists, or
counselors, or sociologists. GEMA (2000) points out that discipline must be
firm (certain), fair, and consistent. That is

ALL teachers/parents must have
the SAME CONSEQUENCES for the same behavior. Many children who already have
problems do not have the resources to understand and accept that the standards
in Mr. Jones’ room are radically different from Ms. Smith.

It is recommend that departments and grades meet
regularly, say once a week at first, to determine common discipline guidelines
and that teachers meet across grades to discuss discipline at different grade
levels. Chapman (2000) recommends that rules meet three criteria. They be few, fair and clear. Similarly he recommends that (Continued on next page / see below link)...

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