Unaware that the concept seems to be an Onion headline come to life, Bradley Cooper is eyeing the role of Lucifer in a big budget 3D adaptation of “Paradise Lost” according to Variety. Take a second, and let that sink in. A big budget, 3D adaptation of “Paradise Lost.” With Bradley Cooper. Got it? Ok, great. Great pains are being made to stress that negotiations are not yet underway, but that apparently Cooper is chomping at the bit for the chance to star in what deserves to be the biggest cinematic punchline of the next couple of years.

The story of “Paradise Lost” involves the Fall of Man through the temptation of Adam and Eve, with the struggle between archangels Michael and Lucifer amidst what is sure to be a gigantic CGI-filled war of angels in Heaven. “Paradise Lost” was meant to find the truth behind the struggle of free will and the power of God, though Legendary Pictures and Warner Bros. are likely to forgo any idea that may offend Christians, oblivious to the fact that an action spectacular based off “Paradise Lost” is offensive to everyone.

“Paradise Lost” is being directed by Alex Proyas, who, in his defense, has made a number of silly movies with big ideas behind them. He’s accomplished, but he’s much closer to “hack” than “auteur,” and not exactly the type we’d peg to adapt a highly influential 17th century free-verse poem about the Fall of Man. Ironically, Cooper was weighing a reboot of “The Crow,” a franchise kickstarted by Proyas in the early nineties, but starring as the sixth actor to play The Crow in twenty years apparently isn’t as bad an idea as playing the absolute lamest Lucifer in cinema history.