The Unfiltered Mouth: 4 lessons dealing with verbal abuse

The Unfiltered Mouth: 4 lessons dealing with verbal abuse

It really is distressing to be the target of someone with an unfiltered mouth. I am not talking about someone who “over shares”; I am talking about that person who tears you apart like a dog to a T-bone. As the words are being spewed, I can envision a filter over the person’s mouth full of dirt. What happens to this dirty filter? It eventually stops working, allowing the dirt to blow out in the form of words.

Author Danny Silk, in his book Keep Your Love On, describes the unfiltered person as an aggressive personality. They are known as the “t-rex”, large and in-charge. The T-rex personality seeks a passive type person, referred to as a goat personality. This tends to fulfill both the t-rex need to control and goat’s need to please. The relationship will consist of the goat feeding the t-rex body parts until the goat eventually disappears. Unfortunately, the t-rex will still continue to hunger for more control and seek out more goats. People around t-rex personalities often “walk on egg shells” to prevent any verbal altercations. They are usually so brow beaten, they lack the courage to deal with the root of the problem. The T-rex message is quite simple: “I matter and you don’t.”

Occasionally, I feel like a chosen target for unfiltered people. As much as it hurts to be the target of an unfiltered mouth, I do know it can be a part of raising your own pain threshold. In the past, this would have been crushing for me. I have a low threshold for physical pain, much less verbal pain. I hate when people are upset at me, or when I feel like I’ve let someone down. These types of episodes can fuel every insecurity imaginable. I would begin to devalue my purpose, my calling and my worth. Emotions would start to spiral out of control. Thankfully, the last few years I have developed some better boundaries in my life. On those occasions when attacks come (because that is life), I am able to fend them off with a loving strength.

Here are four lessons I have learned when dealing with unfiltered people:

Once all the dust settles, you clearly see a hurting person. This reminds me of the famous quote, “Hurting people hurt people.” A hurting person has nothing left to lose. The filter is long gone. Attacking others is the only type of connection that garners any attention. So they go after anyone (you have to realize it is not always personal). They have lost their ability to be healthy in a conversation. So they resort to what they know best – attacks. When I witness someone dealing with this issue, I often wonder, “You must be exhausted.” I cannot imagine every conversation being laced with such insecurities that it would result in so much brokenness.

I don’t talk to rude people. I am fine talking about issues, conflicts or disagreements with respect. I have learned if someone is going to verbally assault me, I need to physically and emotionally remove myself from his or her presence. Until they can talk rationally, the conversation is over. This allows the attacker some dignity as you end the conversation. The less that is said once someone is heated, the better. I call this unfiltered remorse! It’s the regret that you feel later, once you realize how you behaved.

Set Boundaries. Realizing you can only control yourself, boundaries keep you safe from someone you cannot control or change. Boundaries prevent you from feeding into the other person’s bad behavior. Boundaries are simple ways for you to control the communication with the unfiltered person. For example, you set the “when and how” to limit exposure to that person. These boundaries will often make the verbal abuser angry. Do not let them bully you or make you feel guilty for the boundaries.

You are stronger than you realize. Verbal abuse has no power over you, nor does it define you as a person. Focus on the positive that is in your life. Do not let the negativity of one person negate the beautiful friends and family who speak words of joy into your life.

After a verbal attack, I would have a difficult time aptly describing how I truly felt. Until I heard Beth Moore share Proverbs 31:25, “She is clothed in strength and dignity.”As Beth painted a word picture, I realized I felt exposed, not clothed and protected. Also, my dignity was attacked, the honor and glory we are given due to being created in His image. I’m so thankful God understood my hurt and exposed the root. He provided the scripture to heal my heart❤.

I pray Proverbs 31:25 will be a healing scripture for hurtful words spoken over you. You are protected and clothed by a beautiful Jesus. Your strength is not your own, but in Him, who is most powerful. And your dignity cannot be taken from you; it is in your DNA! Perhaps, you most identify as the person without a filter, this scripture is also for you. I pray you seek forgiveness and find healing restoration for your future.

Karen Blandino is a pastor's wife, Texan, mother and counselor. She holds a Master's Degree in Counseling from TCU and a Bachelor of Arts in History from UTA. She has served 12 years in education. She and her husband planted 7 City Church in Ft. Worth, Texas where they serve as lead pastors.

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Hello and welcome! I am a Texas girl and pastor's wife who loves Jesus, my family and life. I have a huge passion to share my personal life experiences (the good & the not so good), my love for pretty things and to connect with other women.
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