Maybe you wish he folded his socks, or that he would chat it up with your friends without prompting. But his inability to do so may stem from the laid-back personality that drew you to him in the first place. "One of the things we see with happy couples is that they know their partner's differences, and have pretty much stopped trying to change the other person," says Darren Wilk, a certified Gottman Couples Therapist with a private practice in Vancouver, British Columbia. "Rather than trying to fight their partner's personality style, they instead focus on each other's strengths."

Whether you want him to unload the dishwasher more often or pay closer attention to the kids, your partner will be more likely to change his behavior if he feels like he'll get relationship brownie points. "Throw it out there like a favor. Present it like 'here is the recipe for what will make me happy,' because everyone wants to make their partner feel happy," says Wilk. "When you present your needs, present them as what you do want rather than what you don't want." Instead of saying, "I hate when you have to have everything scheduled," try saying, "I would love to have a day where we can just be spontaneous."

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Giving your partner positive reinforcement sounds like a no-brainer, but couples often forget to do it. "Relationship expert Jon Gottman found in his research that in everyday life, happy couples have 20 positive moments — a shared look, compliment, or affectionate touch, for example — to every negative moment," says Wilk. Tell him something positive three times a day, and be specific. Instead of saying, "You're a good dad," tell him why. "You're a good dad because you helped our daughter with that puzzle, which I never would have had the patience to do."

"Unhappy couples are stuck in a negative state of mind," says Wilk. "You will always find what you look for. If you look for stuff that bugs you and that your partner is doing wrong, you will find it every day. If you look at what your partner is doing it right, you'll find it everyday." It's a choice to flip your mindset, so when you find yourself getting annoyed, visualize something he does that makes your heart flutter to halt the negative thought circuit.

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"Happy couples tend to rewrite history by glossing over the bad stuff and focusing on the happy times," says Wilk. By reliving memories out loud to your partner, it actually changes your mindset, and how you view him and think about your relationship. Try this exercise whenever your feel your relationship needs a boost: Go over the highlights of when you were first dating, or rehearse the best moments of your relationship (such as the day you had an impromptu picnic in the park during your lunch hour, or that surprise anniversary date he took you on) to uncover buried memories.

"Sometimes what affair-proofs relationships is simply being there when your partner needs to vent, and having their back without trying to fix the problem," says Wilk. "People want someone to listen to them." The key is to be supportive, and never take the side of the person he's venting about — even if you can see where that person is coming from. For example, if he is upset that his boss took away a contract and gave it to someone else in the office, now is not the time to say, "Well, maybe you didn't put your best effort in." Right now he needs his feelings validated, and to hear you say, "That must have been really hard." Happy couples know when to bite their tongues.

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Trust, security, and commitment are key elements in any relationship, but having them doesn't mean you can treat your relationship as rock-solid, and stop trying. "Relationships are a fragile ecosystem, and that's why there is a 50 percent divorce rate," says Wilk. "Happy couples keep dating, telling each other they look great, and doing things together."

"It's not only about having a date night, but happy couples seem to do a lot of mundane things together," says Wilk. "They have little habits that they decide to do together, whether it be sitting down to pay the bills once a month or folding laundry." We say, anything to make that pile of dirty clothes feel more manageable.

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Happy couples are mindful of those little moves their partners do for attention. When Gottman's team studied 120 newlyweds in his Love Lab, they discovered that couples who stayed married six years later were paying attention to these bids for connection 86 percent of the time, compared to only 33 percent of the time for those who later divorced. So look out for the little things, and respond to his need to connect. Like if you're grocery shopping and he casually mentions that he hasn't had Fruit Loops since he was a kid, throw them in the cart for him to show that you care.

"When it comes to relationship satisfaction, you can't just ride on the big things like, 'I don't drink, I pay the bills, I don't beat you, we went to Hawaii last year,'" says Wilk. "This stuff is not really what keeps couples happy in their daily lives." What really matters is all the small stuff that adds up, such as being there for each other when one needs to vent, or noticing when he needs a hug, or making him his favorite meal just because. "It's also giving up on the idea that you have to feel in love all the time. Marriage is about trust and commitment and knowing each other," says Wilk. "That's what love is."

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Just because you love spinning and he likes weight-lifting doesn't mean you're doomed. Hit up the gym at the same time and then split up. "Plan joint time to work out and exercise," says Dr. Jane Greer New York-based relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. This can bode well for your health and help you out if you have a hard time getting your butt to the gym solo. "You don't have to do the same activity, but doing it at the same time ensures both people are held accountable. It won't take away from other 'together time' either, like it would if each partner worked out separately."

"Share food with each other so you limit portion sizes," says Greer. "For example, a couple appetizers and one main course. Doing this not only gives you the experience of sharing, but it helps you monitor how much you're eating so you don't gain weight."

Obviously, your partner should love you regardless of your size, but it doesn't hurt to do help your marriage and exercise portion control at the same time — consider it multitasking.

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Bust out your FitBit and get in steps — and quality time with your partner. It could seriously pay off. "Take at least one weekly walk together — even for just 30 minutes — to catch up on what's going on in your lives and share any news on family, social plans, etc.," says Greer. "Talk about what you're looking forward to and walk away life's stress with your partner."

Between work and the kids, it's easy to put your relationship on hold. But when you prioritize your marriage, it's bound to last a lifetime. "It's very common for couples to put their work, household responsibilities, needs of the children, and even extended family's needs before that of their relationship. To fix this, you must be conscious of it and deliberately prioritize your marriage first," says Toni Coleman, licensed psychotherapist and certified marriage counselor. "Check in with each other several times a day, maintain daily physical touch like offering a hug or sharing small caresses, and express gratitude for even simple acts of caring and thoughtfulness."

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Sure, hanging out and watching Netflix is fun. Know what's even more fun? Experiencing something new together ... away from the couch. "Making it a point to have a weekly date night gives you both time to reconnect, have fun, and focus on each other," says Sarah Mandel, R.N., a psychotherapist and Imago Relationship Therapist. "The importance of making time for your marriage is the gift of connection and intimacy."

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One crucial secret to a happy marriage? Don't have secrets in the first place. "It's a major problem to keep secrets, whether it be about money, parenting decisions, emotional withholding, or anything you keep from your spouse because you're afraid of their reaction. It keeps you from developing the trust or intimacy of a good marriage," says Mindy Utay, psychotherapist and marriage counselor. The fix? Simply being open and honest with your partner. "Take responsibility for your feelings and actions and ask for understanding from your spouse. Secrets are childish ways of avoiding conflict."

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