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I first started Yoga in May 2014 because it was advised by my therapist (at that time) to find a physical hobby to help channel my anxiety & depression. I found when I was busy I didn’t have time to dwell on things that weren’t going right in my life. I was already Hiking which helped so I then began to dabble in Yoga. Yoga kept me occupied at first then slowly turned into a passion. Over time, without realizing it, I let go of the anger & bitterness and focused more on the things that made me happy rather than on the things that didn’t.

It took me a few years to realize that if I maintain my focus on all the good in my life it will overshadow the not-so-good. Life is not perfect & didn’t come with any guarantees. Everyone experiences pitfalls and setbacks but it’s your reaction to these situations that make all the difference in the world. You can choose to remain bitter & angry but where will that get you? Not too far. I chose to re-focus my energy in the good and let the good overshadow the not-so-good. Only you have the power to respond to each situation accordingly. Will you allow it to control you or will you control it?

This is my handsome son, David. He is known in the gaming community as the illustrious “ALLIED”.

I can’t pretend to understand the gaming community or that world in all its entirety. All I can tell you is that he was ahead of his time. He started delving into the gaming world as early as his high school years. I can remember waking up in the middle of the night to get a drink of water and I heard David on his computer (back then I called it “playing video games”) but the correct terminology is “gaming”. I would tell him to shut it off and he would grumble and the next day go to school looking like he slept 2 hours. It got to the point where I had to shut off the router (located in my bedroom) to get him to go to bed at a reasonable hour. He would get angry but I held my ground. I told him school comes first and he couldn’t stay up all night “playing video games” on a school night.

Eventually he graduated high school and moved in with his grandparents because they undermined me and pretty much let him do whatever he wanted and he began gaming full time. I worried about him, his future and his mental health. I asked the typical questions: How are you going to make a living from this? What about health benefits? What about retirement? I didn’t get much of a response. He was still a teen, fresh out of high school so I don’t think he understood the concept of long term & short term goals.

At some point he progressed in the gaming world and got so good he became part of a team. This team won their first championship, and it just snowballed from there. He travelled around the United States, all paid by Sponsors. I must admit he did pretty well for himself but I still worried about his future regardless. I always let him know how happy I was for him and anytime I spoke to him I asked how he was feeling or if he needed money, lol. Gaming is an unconventional way to make a living (in my humble opinion). Call me old fashion. 🤷🏽‍♀️

David met a girl during his travels (a groupie) and eventually settled down and moved in with her. He was making steady money gaming & streaming live. He lived in GA and I lived in NY. We kept in touch but not as much as I would’ve liked. He led a very busy life gaming & traveling and I was still working and caring for my other two children, one who is severely autistic.

One day David called me and told me he had something to tell me and asked if I was sitting down. I thought he was gonna tell me his girlfriend was pregnant. I asked him what was going on. I will never forget how flatly he told me, “I have Cancer”. I remained calm and asked some questions then told him to have the Dr call me directly and that I would come out to GA for all the testing. I told him not to worry and that we would figure this out. He was cool as a cucumber during our conversation. As soon as we hung up I dropped to my knees and sobbed like a baby. I found out later on by his girlfriend that as soon as he hung up with me he cried as well.

I will never forget that phone call for the rest of my life. He was only 24 yrs old when he got diagnosed with Stage IV Esophagus Cancer.

So today the local Animal Shelter got a donation from “Allied’s Wings” 🤗

We donated a brand new XL orthopedic dog bed that my chocolate lab (not pictured) has never bothered to lay in and 2 cat beds that my cats just thumb their paws at. I also donated a giant watering bowl that my little dog uses as a swimming pool along with gently used cat and dog collars that are in excellent condition that I collected as extras over the years.

My animals never slept on the pet beds that were purchased for them but they managed to find their way on my couch! They all know enough to stay off while we’re home but in the morning when we wake up they are all miraculously snuggled up like little angels on the couch like they belong there.

It’s almost comical! Their pet beds are just as comfortable, if not MORE comfortable than my couch but they prefer the couch 🙄 I’ve tried everything and have even resorted to the dreaded kitty marijuana (cat nip) & the most that’s happened on the pet bed is that the cats got high off the kitty nip & slept their high off my couch or my bed 😂

“Allied’s Wings” 🤗. A charitable organization dedicated in my sons honor to donate services or goods to local charities.

I actually started this soon after my son passed by donating money to St. Jude’s Hospital for Children in my sons memory and I did it again this year as well. I will donate to St. Judes every year on the anniversary of my sons death.

On the first Christmas after my son passed, I donated four huge bags of toys for the children’s wing of the hospital where he died. It was important for me to give back because the hospital staff took such good care of my son and our family while he was hospitalized.

This year I decided to make it official by creating our organization name & giving out cards to every outreach program we come into contact with with our info. I want my son to be remembered for the kind and generous person he was. I want to continue his legacy by helping others and spreading his message to help others in need. I will write more about him in future blogs.

Our charitable services will not be limited to Cancer Hospitals. We will outreach to Veterans Programs, Senior Centers, Animal Shelters, Homeless Shelters, Big Brothers/Big Sisters and other programs. I’m really excited about this!

My sons birth name was David but the gaming community knew him as “Allied”. He was a personable, kind, funny, sweet, extremely generous and lovable young man.

So the name “Allied’s Wings” is born because our wings will help others fly.

Wow! It’s close to one year since I’ve written a blog & 2yrs since my sons passing.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching & healing since then, thankfully with the help of my therapist. She is really good at picking my brain and helping me figure myself out. ☺️💕

I’m not gonna say I’m still not hurting or angry because there are days that I have my moments (I’m still a work in progress) but I can say I’m in a MUCH healthier place than I was when my son first passed. I am definitely a lot happier and more in control of my emotions.

My therapist said there is no time frame for grieving or healing. It’s through therapy that I slowly developed some ideas of honoring my sons memory & it’s truly helping me heal 😌🙏🏽

I have some great projects in the works that I can’t wait to share soon. 🤗💛

I realized the other day I haven’t posted anything here for a long time.

I needed to take a break from everything to find other ways to decompress from my sadness. I was desperately trying to find other ways to let out my anger & rage. I was told that writing about it would help (and it did) but I felt I was diving deeper into a dark place that I didn’t want to be in.

I’m in such a better place than I was months ago. I no longer want vengeance…I crave peace. I’m no longer looking back but looking forward. I realized this when someone from my past, who wrongfully passed judgement on me while I was grieving, reached out to me in a 4 page handwritten letter to apologize. This person not only admitted everything I suspected but told me he was wrong. It took me a week to take that in cause it brought me back to that place where I didn’t want to be. I was going to respond but I changed my mind. I decided I was in a really good place & that person didn’t merit a response. He is not relevant in my life & there is nothing to discuss. I’ve officially moved on. That’s a huge step for me considering this person was high on my imaginary hit list, lol.

I’m definitely in a better place! Much better than months ago…HECK, leaps & bounds better than last year. So although time doesn’t heal all wounds it definitely makes it better.

I know anger means there’s a whole lot of pain underneath. The anniversary of my son’s death is coming up in another month & my anxiety has been slowly building. It’s around this time last year his health started to decline & all those painful memories are starting to flood my mind again.

I think I’ve done a pretty decent job this past year keeping my anger, anxiety & depression in check. I’ve kept myself extremely busy & I’ve stayed active. I speak to my husband regularly when something is on my mind & I cry a couple of times a week when I’m alone. I’m on a waiting list to see a therapist but my appointment isn’t until January 2019. Good thing I’m not suicidal 🙄

I have tons of anger issues with people who I feel made an already horrible situation 10x worse. My husband & I did 99% of all the leg work with my son’s treatment & care…and we would do it all over again. On top of that we were caring for our youngest son, who is severely autistic. We never asked anyone for help nor did we expect anyone to lend a helping hand although we would’ve appreciated an offer with help babysitting and/or transportation, but it was never offered.

What STILL angers me to this day is how, at the very end, after my son passed, people who were never there for his entire year of hellish treatment suddenly appeared out of nowhere to take credit like they were all Mr & Mrs Super Heroes?! People, who didn’t even bother to reach out to my son or us are now gonna judge me on what kind of a service I was having. Now that my son was dead everyone wanted to turn this into a big social event. Everyone was too busy worried about pleasing his social media fan base, people who were virtual strangers to us.

Yeah, I was pretty angry! There were a lot of fighting that went on amongst family members at the end. Everyone was too busy dictating to me what kind of service they wanted but not one person stopped to ask me what I wanted and I’m the mother! Till this day it still doesn’t sit well with me how the whole thing went down.

Basically at the end there were two separate services. I had the quiet church service and “the other side” had their big social gathering somewhere else. My son’s body stayed with me. The second service wasn’t the problem. It was the family members who hosted it portraying themselves as martyrs…that was a problem for me. They put on this big show like they were all there for him throughout his treatment and not one of them….NOT ONE did a damn thing for him! It was all so phony! My son did not speak to the other side of the family. There was bad blood between him & my ex-husband which caused him not to stay in touch with everyone else.

I also got pushed to the side, like yesterday’s trash, while my son’s ex-girlfriend was put on the grieving widow pedestal. Can we place an emphasis on the “ex” part please but on social media she’ll have you believe they were ready to walk down the aisle 😣. They were broken up for 5 months prior to his passing. She was capitalizing on his Cancer (I felt for fame & self serving pity) ever since he was diagnosed because he was a famous gaming personality on social media & everyone knew her as his “on again off again girlfriend” 🙄. I’m not saying she didn’t love him but there were issues. Meanwhile I found out she moved in with some other guy about four months after he died so I think she bounced back pretty nicely. I could write a whole other blog on all the issues I had with her & their relationship because she lived under our roof for an entire three months before he broke up with her & threw her out. Come to think of it., I will!

So yeah, I have a lot of unresolved anger issues and his one year anniversary is coming up and I’m doing the best I can to continue to keep myself in check.

The anger I still feel is from my oldest sons untimely death from Cancer. Just remembering painful moments only him & I shared still haunt me because I know he was scared and I couldn’t help him. I’m angry cause I watched him wake up every morning & die a little more again every single day. It was torturous to watch and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I relive it every day in my memories.

The sadness I feel is trying to help my youngest son live a somewhat normal life despite his severe autism. It’s like watching someone trapped in their own body fighting to communicate on a daily basis. My fourteen year old son lives an extremely structured lifestyle and anything outside of it turns his world upside down. He needs 24 hour supervision and could never be left alone therefore my husband & I take turns running independent errands. We know no one will ever be able to give our son the special care & attention we give him which is why we chose not to ever hire a sitter.

Additionally, our son has severe sensory processing disorder. His hearing is extremely sensitive so we can’t have any televisions on in the house while he’s home. We can’t run the vacuum cleaner or microwave in his presence. The local emergency response vehicles who run their sirens on our road will trigger a violent meltdown from him. The latest trigger has been the birds chirping outside (yeah you read that right) so now we turn on the fan in the house to drown out the noise. We don’t throw parties, don’t have company & we’re usually in bed by 8pm cause we’re up every morning between 5:30am-6am (even on weekends).

I’m not complaining. This is our life & we’ve adjusted to this way of living. My husband & I laugh a lot, crack jokes & make fun of ourselves. Time is very precious to us and we do the best we can with what little private time we have each day. So when people invite us to go here & there (ie. wedding, parties etc) and we say we can’t go, it’s cause we really can’t. We never attend a function “together” for obvious reasons & if we say “yes” to something then only one of us will go.

The only time I will get annoyed is if someone becomes pushy about us “not attending” a function & that only happened once. I will explain “why not” only one time and after that I’m done. My patience level after my son passed has decreased tremendously.

I choose to make the best of what I have. Laughter helps me get through my pain & tough days. Laughter is my best mental escape.