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Friday, January 20, 2017

Stop Whining, Ladies. Motherhood is Easy

Breastfeeding is one of the many easy things about motherhood.

A few times a day, I take a break from my relaxing, perfect, new-mother life to peruse the Internet. I inevitably find a bunch of whiners. Women posting to message boards wondering why their husbands won't do their fair share. Moms complaining about the challenges of breastfeeding, the agony of postpartum recovery, the fact that no one takes their pelvic floor issues seriously, the boss who won't pay them for maternity leave, the other boss who fired them for getting pregnant, and the family members who keep showing up, demanding to be entertained, and criticizing their parenting.

I mean, sure. Motherhood isn't always perfect. Sometimes you have to do laundry or something. It's not like it's hard, though. Now that I'm a mother, I can say with confidence that all the other mothers are whiners. Motherhood is easy.

This realization first dawned on me when I was pushing out my baby. I think it was around the time that her shoulders ripped my body in half that I found myself most deeply reflecting on the ease of being a mother. It was then that I also realized that asking men to split parenting duties is just unfair. After all, they don't have the biological love of laundry that we do! And paid family leave? Come on, ladies! Quit the laziness and get back to work/never work again. Chronic pain? Come on, genitals rip open all the time. Totes easy!

It gets even easier when you've recovered from birth and have to get down to the long-term business of parenting. My four months as a mother have taught me that the tasks of motherhood are really quite simple. Here's all you have to do:

Remember to breastfeed your child. Breast is best, of course, and anything less is child abuse. But you must never allow anyone, ever, to see your breast. Otherwise you're a show-off whore. Avoid nursing in public, or do so only under a cover. Your baby must also never cry, so if she dislikes the cover, the solution is simple: never leave your home.

While you're breastfeeding your kid the 8-1,000 times per day the lactation consultant recommends, let's talk about a topic every mother knows all too well: laziness. Don't expect the state to support you. And relying on the man who never gets up in the middle of the night with your baby? LOL. Get back to work. Don't even think about demanding time to pump breastmilk. Full time or no time at all. Pump when you're at home, and enjoy the pleasurable sensation of your breasts becoming slowly engorged as the day wears on.

As you're leisurely returning to work and enjoying spending every waking second breastfeeding and pumping, remember that you're still a woman! Motherhood is no excuse to let yourself go. Get back to your pre-baby shape within six weeks, or don't be surprised if your husband cheats. Of course, you don't want to be accused of being vain, or taking time away from your baby. So spend your sleeping time exercising. Baby comes first! Sleep comes last!

Speaking of sex, your vagina was totally gross during birth, so you'll need to do some extra work with your husband to convince him to still love you after you push out his child. It's not his fault that it turns out he actually doesn't really like vaginas and now can't stop having flashbacks to the birth. Everyone knows birth is harder on men than on women. That's truefacts. Just one more reason you shouldn't even think about asking for a push present. The baby is present enough! You're lucky your husband let you have one! Just remember that if you got pain meds you're weak and if you didn't you're a crunchy anti-vaxer who might soon be stalked by the Skeptical OB. However you gave birth, rest assured you did it wrong.

Thinking of co-sleeping with your baby? You're already a murderer. Get up 22 times each evening to breastfeed instead. Bear in mind, though, that by putting your baby in a crib you're disrupting his attachment system, so find a way to levitate your baby above your bed while you sleep. Otherwise you're just a loser.

Remember not to let your house go, or you'll model unhealthy living to your child. Keep that place in sparkling, tip-top shape. Don't hire a maid. Simply multi-task! Did you know that you can easily nurse while lifting weights, cooking dinner, and cleaning? Make things even more fun by attaching a breast pump to one nipple while your little bundle of joy is on the other.

Maybe if you're really lucky, your special guy will put in a couple of hours a week baby-sitting. Don't correct him! That makes him feel bad. And for God's sake, never, ever encourage him to spend more time with your child or do more chores, you shrew. Men hate nagging. And Lord knows, after all the suffering he's been through, your man doesn't need any more stress.