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Part III The Unlocking The day to go North came so very quickly and before I knew it, I was on a bus filled with strange faces, on my way to a place I honestly didn’t really feel like going … Continue reading →

Part II.V (A surprise addition to my three part story) The Unexpected It was getting very close to me leaving for the North when one of my aunts surprised us with a visit. With her, were a couple really cool … Continue reading →

Part II The Unlearning What began as an innocent dip of my toes into what my dad likes to call the “boat life”, became a complete lifestyle transformation. I lived in rolled up jeans and bare feet, showering became a … Continue reading →

It seems like there has been a lot of death around me lately. Usually it’s not something I feel comfortable talking about but it’s been making me feel so much. I’ve decided that maybe the best way to deal with these feelings is to write.

You hear about people dying in genocides, terrorist attacks, wars of religion etc. and it has become such a common occurrence that that now it no longer phases us. Not one of us remembers the faces of the dead who bare no names. Not one of us remembers the names of the of the dead who bare no connection to our world. We go on like nothing is happening. We live in a paradise, with our backs to the shadows.

Sometimes death will hit very close to home. It’s harder to ignore. Yet I’ve noticed that somehow we are all still withdrawn, even once death has now made itself very real. Even once death has touched us. Is it all the death on the news, in the movies, and in our games? Or is it normal? Is it normal that no one seems to ache for the loss of precious lives? Or is it weird to feel such anguish, when you have no connection to the deceased?

I am sure people do feel something when strangers pass but they have just become so skilled at isolating themselves from it.

I know I am not alone in feeling such pain for the dead. I know I am not alone in feeling such pain for their families. I know I am not alone in wishing I could fix what was broken… but I feel so empty. What is the point? Why are the least deserving taken the earliest? Who decides their fate? I am sure that is not the choice they would have made.

Life is so fleeting, so beautiful, and so full of pain. It is a light in the darkness that you weren’t sure you saw. It is that taste in your mouth that you can’t seem to place. Life is time that passed when you weren’t looking and now you can’t remember where you’ve come from. And in the end, it doesn’t really matter, because it’ll all be gone once you get where you’re going.

I think it’s really disturbing that at one moment, everything could be fine. Then in a second later, the world flips, and you’re gone; as fast as sparks flying up from the fire. There is no goodbye, the end comes too fast.

Now here I am by myself, crying for all the people I don’t know and never will. I am thinking of all the things they’ll never see, all the things they’ll never do, and always wondering why they weren’t supposed to.

Have you ever simply closed your eyes and just listened to the breeze? Listened to the whistling of the leaves and that quiet in between? There really isn’t anything else like it. It carries you away on a lighthearted symphony that is so soft and so free. Take a moment and come along with me.

When you’re here, there’s never any rush. Take your time, and embrace it all. Look around you, breathe it all in. This is beauty in its rawest form and you are here to witness it. Listen to every chirp, every groan, and every creak. Let every sound, smell, and sight fill you up. Lay in it and let it hold you.

What you are witnessing is a living, breathing masterpiece; a muse eternal.

I have never felt a love, a joy, or a sense of wonder like this. Nothing can compare. I am whole here and there isn’t a worry in the world.

So close your eyes and take a moment. Take it now. What you’re missing is floating on the wind.

Today I watched a video that really, deeply, bothered me. It wasn’t a video on famine, pollution, or war. It was simply a video on cellphones. This video wasn’t about health risks, money, or new technological advances. No, it wasn’t even a documentary. This was a short film, without dialogue, that simply observed someone’s day in the generation in which we find ourselves now; the wireless generation.

This video didn’t over exaggerate; it wasn’t even bias. It showed me something that we see everywhere each and every day. However, it is different seeing it like this. You may even realize, like I did, that this is something you are guilty of.

Watching this video made me ache inside. What I saw were people missing out on so much in their lives because they were too consumed by social media, text messages, phone calls, and even just capturing the moment they were in. They were too consumed by these things to actually just enjoy the moment.

So much of our time and effort gets put into an invisible world we created called “the internet”. We are so busy trying to share our lives that we miss them; they simply pass us by like clouds in the sky. And this scares me. This scares me more than I know how to say.

Technology is like an addiction of sorts. You get a taste and only want more and more until it consumes your whole life. And don’t get me wrong, technology has many great things to offer, especially when we don’t abuse it. I think technology is great if we are using it for something, such as learning or creating; as long as it doesn’t get put before real life. There is nothing more important or more worth your time than real life, with real people.

Abusing technology can come with many side effects but the one that bothers me most is that it destroys communication. Technology brings people together the world over but now that is our most comfortable form of communication. When was the last time you called someone up just to talk? When was the last time you just drove over? Now when was the last time you texted someone? For me, technology has majorly impacted the way I communicate face to face, I have a terribly hard time with it and like to avoid it.

Finally, I have come to the conclusion that we are letting our gadgets run our lives rather than treat them like the tools that they are. We are constantly glancing at our phones with holes in our hearts and stress on our faces. We worry about what we may or may not have missed on Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, etc. We don’t want to miss out. And in not wanting to miss out, we have already missed so much.

If you would like to watch the video that influenced me to write this, click here.

Sometimes, when I’m at work, I can feel the fluorescent lights beating down on me.

It’s quiet. I yawn and stare up at them. They do not feel right to me. I swear I can feel them sucking out my soul… or maybe it’s just my imagination. Maybe it’s just the people, not the place. Perhaps I don’t belong. I believe we all have a purpose and we know when we are not following it… maybe this is a sign that I am not following mine?

If I am not following mine, then how do I decide where to go? Will something give me a little shove in the right direction? Going in blind is always a little unsettling… but maybe that is the point of life? Since we only get one life (that we know of) shouldn’t we be taking many leaps of faith then? What is the point of being comfortable all of the time when life is so short to begin with? Or is that the goal instead? Many people seem to strive for an unattainable happiness and comfort… are they on the right path? Who is to say? Perhaps that is their purpose. Should that be mine?

Is it not those who stray from the path who find what they are looking for? Maybe we should all do a little bushwhacking. Perhaps the whole point of this journey is the adventure. Maybe the point isn’t your rank or if you met the status quo, but instead the lessons you’ve learned, the knowledge you’ve acquired, and the beauty you’ve seen. Maybe the point to this whole thing is to feel the sand between your toes, feel the rain on your face, love passionately, and live as though it were your only day.

Now living like it was your only day everyday, I think, would be rather difficult. Would I be spending all my days the way I am right now? Definitely not. Would you? Maybe if we spent our free time like it was our only day… maybe that would be good enough.

Either way, each of our purposes are different and we should never stop striving for that purpose. It’s not necessarily fate or destiny but a choice. Our choices determine the fate that awaits us. What will you choose?

Sometimes it’s really hard to not think about the question “why”. It lingers in the dusty cupboard in the back room of all of our minds. Why?

Why am I here? Why are you here? Why? And there are no answers, only the whimsical theories of mysterious men.

Spirituality, I find, is often hard to comprehend. Why is one spirituality deemed better over another? Why is spirituality deemed wrong if it is not the same as our own? Why?

Why is my spirituality better? Why is yours? Why? And there are no answers, just the closed-minded theories of those unwilling to admit that they ask why too.

Everything is deemed destiny by few. Some others do not agree. Why would each of our lives have a purpose? Why is it not just a big soup of nonsense? And if it is, why does it exist? Why?

Why is my life important? Why do you take part in it? And there are no answers, just bangle-wearing women with foggy crystal balls and tarot cards.

And who really knows if there’s a god? Who really cares? And who really knows how far science can go? Who?

Maybe nothing I see is here and maybe there is no purpose. If that is so then why the need for survival? Why the fight? Why the passion, the fear, the dreams? Why the music and the screams? Why do I run, and why do I seek, the answers to why, oh why, oh why?

I'm a woman in my 40's and finally feeling that I know who I am and why I am, I would like to share the shadows from my life. Having got here fairly intact and along the way found the ability to take a step back and see things more clearly it is my hope that perhaps by blogging I may help others through their own dark places.