Although many think the alleged Lindsay Lohan blowjob video clip is a hoax and that no actual sex tape exists, Lindsay Lohan quieted the naysayers by calling ex-boyfriend Calum Best and screaming when she found out about the video. The Sun reports:

A source, who overheard the rant, said Lindsay was screaming: “I can’t believe you would ever f****ing do this to me, I should have listened to everyone. “I should never have f****ing trusted you.” Lindsay screeched down the blower for so long that she had to leave another voicemail to finish her abusive tirade. The Mean Girl continued: “It’s everywhere now, all over the net, everyone’s seen it, how f****ing could you?”

This specific video may very well turn out to be fake or some elaborate scheme to turn the world into killer zombies with a mysterious transmission, but thanks to Lindsay, the only thing we now know for certain is that a sex tape of Linsday Lohan and Calum Best actually exists. Good job, dumbass. It might even be this one. Who knows? I assume all videos of Lindsay Lohan around a penis look surprisingly the same.

Only days after the Kristin Davis sex tape photos were leaked, now a leaked camera phone picture of Lindsay Lohan allegedly giving her ex-boyfriend, Calum Best, a blowjob has hit online. This is now reviving rumors of the pairs’ reported sex tape. The picture, which was posted to a forum by a supposed “friend of a friend,” is unsexily blurry, but the idea that Lindsay Lohan would have a penis in her mouth doesn’t really seem that far-fetched to me. The poster said:

ok well remember that whole lindsay lohan callum best sex tape thing a while back.. that turned out to be bogus..untill now. apparently callum sent the video (which was filmed on his cell phone) when the 2 where an item has been sent to some of his friends…which as you may have guessed have been trying to sell the video. Anyway so i have this friend (cant say her name.) who is friends with lindsay lohan. She’s just emailed me saying that someone has sent an email to lindsay with a screen clip from the movie, and shes freaking out because she “cant remember it being filmed.”

Lindsay Lohan must have some kind of cosmic power because how we haven’t seen her in a sex tape by now is anyone’s guess. Instead of squinting at this picture, I should be able to discreetly peruse the back of my local video store for the latest Lindsay Lohan sex tape titles I just made up. Like “Ginger Snaps,” for instance.

The Sun reportedly has camera phone footage of Calum Best, Lindsay Lohan’s sometimes boyfriend, snorting cocaine and having sex with two prostitutes at Kensington’s Rockwell Hotel last Wednesday. Call girl Casey James and her Brazilian friend, arrived at Best’s room where they took turns blowing him and snorting coke:

Then he dropped his pants as the girls – who used a rolled-up banknote to snort coke off a glass table – simultaneously pleasured him. Gripped by lust he used his mobile phone to film a girl pleasuring him…After nearly three hours the girls asked a complaining Calum to leave – only for him to demand they should “learn some manners”.

This is apparently nothing new, because a friend says Calum is sick and twisted deviant:

His father George may have been hooked on booze and women, but Calum has fallen to truly sickening depths.”

Wow, this comes as a shock because you expect someone who hangs out with Lindsay Lohan to have a strong morals. Good thing Lindsay cut ties with this guy when she did because there’s no telling where our poor little angel might have ended up!

Lindsay Lohan’s fling with Calum Best appears to over after Lindsay was thrown out of the New York’s Soho Grand hotel a couple nights ago where she checked in to spy on Best, who was staying there with another woman. Visibly drunk, Lindsay collapsed in the hotel lobby at 1:30 a.m.:

She was writhing on the floor and everyone could see that she wasn’t wearing any panties. Her date and bodyguard looked horrified but they didn’t do a thing to help her so the night manager carried her to her room.”

Lindsay wasn’t quite finished embarrassing herself, so she decided to repeatedly call Calum Best’s room. When he refused to answer she decided to go bang on his door:

He came to the door and opened it a bit, she peeked inside and saw the woman there. She went cuckoo. She yelled at him, slammed the door and banged on it some more.” The actress was reportedly escorted back to her room, but when her disruptive antics continued she was asked to leave the hotel at 5.30am. She checked out an hour later.”

Lindsay Lohan is a bottomless pit of need and insecurity, so it’s no surprise that she would stalk anyone who pays attention to her. Nobody has the balls to tell her anything and she refuses to accept rehab, so there’s only one thing Lindsay can to help her break the cycle – country line dancing. It’s fun for the whole family!

There may be trouble in paradise for Lindsay Lohan and her new man, Calum Best. Sources say the couple got into a “screaming match” Monday night that started in their Soho Grand penthouse and ended in the lobby. A source says:

Calum’s clothes were torn, and after a few minutes, they got back into the elevator and went back to their room.”

Although Lindsay was #1 on Maxim’s Hot 100 list (seriously), Page Six claims Lindsay was upset at Best for his wandering eye at Cipriani Downtown on Sunday:

Our spies saw Best “collecting numbers from all the models” every time Lohan’s back was turned.”

This is just a long winded intro to say that the people at Maxim are probably gay, because there’s no alternate universe I can think of where Lindsay Lohan is #1 in anything that involves the word “hot.” Unless Maxim is planning on doing “Hot 100 at the Free Clinic.” You’d have to turn a few hundred pages to find her name on a list of things I’d want to have sex with.

Although Lindsay Lohan has reportedly told friends that Calum Best is “the one,” model, Sara Kova, says Best wanted to give her one when the pair crossed paths at the opening of the Bahamas club, Cove at Atlantis, last Friday night. Sara Kova tells the New York Daily News:

I was walking to the ladies’ room when I passed him walking from the men’s room. He gave me a smile. Then he put his hands on my hips and turned me toward the wall, like he was a cop who was about to frisk me. He held my hands so my booty would be pressed against his … well, his crotch.

“I turned to move away. Then he grabbed by jaw and planted a kiss. I giggled. Okay, I might have been a little intoxicated. But I was also shocked. I didn’t know this guy’s name. The whole time, no words were spoken. Finally, I walked away. After I came out of the bathroom, I went back to the main room, and saw this same guy kissing Lindsay Lohan. She was kind of straddling him. I said to myself, ‘What just happened here?'”

Wow, I barely know who Calum Best is, but I never knew he was such a gentleman. You don’t get much classier than molesting random girls while your girlfriend is in the other room. Careful ladies, don’t tempt this mysterious stranger. You’ll be no match for his cunning charms!

Lindsay Lohan has about a thousand bikinis, so it’s no surprise that she wanted to start a little early in the Bahamas this weekend. Last summer she was in a bikini every single day, but that still didn’t help her get a tan. By September, she was slightly darker than a polar bear, but this year it looks like she’s trying to ramp up the sexy with her awesome hat and a nip slip. I’m not sure if she’s supposed to be Michael Jackson or some sort of undercover detective. Hot on the trail and looking for clues to find out what happened to her ass.

Days after pictures of her snorting cocaine in a bathroom stall leaked online, Lindsay Lohan’s friends have been reportedly trying to steer the actress away from bad influences. At Wednesday’s Nylon party, it was model, Calum Best. In turn, Lindsay made out with him the whole night. A friend said:

This isn’t a serious relationship. He’s a piece of shit. He’s a wanna-be celebrity. Lindsay trusts people until they hurt her.”

Lindsay spent the rest of the night doing what she does best:

She was lifting up her skirt, and sending people over to [her friend, deejay] Samantha Ronson when she didn’t like what she was playing,” said a spy. Some wondered whether the 20-year-old rehab grad may have sampled the wares of sponsor Trump Vodka. “Tenjune has a very strict underage nondrinking policy,” insists a club rep.”

Yeah, good luck trying to explain anything to Lindsay that doesn’t involve her getting her way. You might as well explain to your four year old why he saw mommy doing that to daddy. I mean, I guess you could say “jewelry,” but is that the message you want to send to your kids, you little slut?