The Confession

August 14, 2009

By Anonymous

Image Credit: Pan Sum C., Babylon, NY

The author's comments:

Part of my novel

Rain poured on him as he stood and stared up at the brown wooden church that held peoples’ faith. God was something he turned his back on when he became the murderer he was. God was a protector in his household. As a child he went to church every Sunday, prayed at the table before dinner and prayed before he went to bed. God was his lord and savior; but when his world started to go dark he turned his back on his lord.

Once Rey got into the old church, he stared around it, his heart feeling empty. As a child he felt like he belonged to church; to God. He knew God wouldn’t turn his back just because he was Mexican, or that he couldn’t speak English or that he was only a small child.

Pictures on velvet walls held gracefully; pictures of Jesus holding the cross, the people who cared for him around him angry and hateful as he carried the cross and was led to where the people wanted to crucify him. One picture showed Mary holding out her hands for her son as he was heading where the people wanted to crucify him. Rey took his eyes off the pictures as his boots hit the red brick floor, making water prints from the rain outside. It was empty at the church that night. No one was there. It was perfect for the moment. Rey would only feel guilty if he were to face believers of God. But what if they were like him? A sinner at heart; a murderer. He highly doubted it. In the killer’s world that was something that seemed to burn their skin. That was something that scared them because in the darkness they were all hiding from God.

Rey went to the second row of pews, standing and staring at the statues that seemed to stare down at him. Three priests dressed in black robes stared down at him, lights shining up at them but at the same time making them eerie in the dim church. One priest was holding a rosary in one hand. Rey’s eyes wandered to the two angels, bowing or praying on each side of the three priests. Both were blonde and wearing light colors unlike the priests. But as the walls extended out Rey caught his brown eyes on the Holy Family: Joseph, Mary and Jesus. Rey’s eyes went to Jesus right away; Jesus’s eyes were slanted downward, hands over his chest with the wounds of the nails on his hands and a heart at the middle of his chest with a golden cross above it.

Rey immediately got overwhelmed and went to the second pew, putting the knee cushion down and kneeling down. He put his hands together, closing his eyes and started to say a familiar prayer in his head that his family and many other families used. But praying was something he didn’t really do. Too much was on his mind as he tried to get the words in his head. Since turning his back on God he had been away from everything. His wife and children were dead but his birth family weren’t. Billy and Deryck were family when he turned his back on everything but even that wasn’t enough. Billy and Deryck were his everything but a long time ago his family was everything. Could he turn back now that Billy and Deryck were turned on him? Could he just put down the blade and run into his mother’s arms? Or could he sink it all in? Could he block all love out? Could he walk away and become powerful in the darkness? So many questions ran through his head as the rain poured on the old church.

Footsteps sounded behind him and Rey lifted his head, opening his eyes and still having his hands in a prayer. Someone was standing in the aisle right behind him and Rey could feel their compassionate eyes hitting on his back. It could have easily been a killer but Rey knew better. No killer would ever feel compassion like that.

“What brings you here my son?” Rey looked back, he put down his hands and saw a man in a black robe just like the priests above the church. He had a white bread and thinning hair. His brown eyes set on Rey’s eyes seemed to read everything. It was unbearable for Rey to sit there and stare into this priest’s eyes. He felt guilty and dirty kneeling down in this church. Rey stood up, taking his eyes off him and bowed slightly in respect.

“I came to make a confession.” Rey looked up as the man stared at him. He soon looked toward two doors next to each other having markings and old designs to match the old church. Soon the man started to walk over there and Rey followed. No words were said as the man opened the door for Rey. Once Rey was in there he was in darkness which (for once) didn’t feel safe. He sat down, his breathing clearly heard since it was awfully quiet and also the fact that Rey was nervous to make this confession.

“Are you ready to begin my son?” The priest’s voice asked on the other side invading Rey’s mind sooner than he thought.

“Forgive me father but I haven’t done this before.” Rey admitted, his eyes set on the door as he tried to collect his thoughts.

“It’s alright my son, let’s just say a prayer and you just have to repeat after me.” And he began and Rey followed the prayer:

“Come Holy Spirit into my soul…” Rey repeated after him, putting his hands together and closing his eyes. “Enlighten my mind that I may know the sins I need to confess and grant me your grace to confess them fully, humbly and with a contrite heart. Help me to firmly resolve not to commit them again. O Blessed Virgin Mother of my Redeemer, intercede for me through the Passion of Your Son, that I may obtain the grace to make a good confession. All you blessed Angels and Saints of God, pray for me, a sinner, that I may repent from my sins and that my heart may forever united with yours in eternal love. Amen.” Rey ended feeling like he was lying but his heart kept going.

“In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.” The priest finished off.

Rey took a breath after the prayer. “Wow I can’t believe I’m here.”

“Don’t come here often I’m guessing.”

Rey laughed slightly. “What a great guess.” He rubbed his hands together and sat back.

“What are your sins you are confessing tonight?”

“A lot.” Rey took a breath. “My biggest sin has to be turning my back on the Lord. My belief in him seemed to fade as I got older and I began to hate the Lord.”

“Why my son?”

“Because…” Rey thought back to everything. All the pain he went through as he got older: Jade, sex without love, mistrust, pain, murder, and last but not least betrayals. And it was all because of God. “Because God doesn’t see me. He only sees what is in the light and not what’s in the dark.”

“Are you in the dark?”

“Deeper than you know. It’s scary to think back to all the things I’ve done and been through. It’s hard and the reason I got through it wasn’t because of God.”

“Who helped you get through it?”

“My best friends. They are the only things I have but I betrayed them and now I have nothing. I’m stuck in this pit of darkness with no way out.” Rey’s heart seemed to break just then. He just had to say the words. He just had to let it out and hear it like it was. In the back of his mind, he remembered Deryck leaving him to die in the farm house and now it was full blown in his head as he sat in this confession. With these words, tears swelled up in his eyes, his face grew hot and he put his hands over his face and started to cry.

“Shh…” the soothing voice of the priest seemed to go through Rey’s mind like a drug making Rey’s sobs start to stop.

He uncovered his face, still leaning down and letting his tear drops hit his boots. “I-I don’t know what to do Father. I-I d-don’t know whether to go back to a life that doesn’t exist or to go more into my destiny of the darkness. Either path is bad. Either path might break me and I don’t know what to do.” Rey covered his face again, and began to cry more. This time the priest didn’t stop him. This time no words or sounds invaded Rey’s mind. Just his sobs and shakes came though his body. He felt like this was his end. He felt like this was the crossroads of his life where he couldn’t decide what road to take. He just wanted everything to be back to normal. He wanted him, Deryck and Billy to be small again when they would run through the park being the boys they were and having no worries at all. But here Rey was confessing the sins he made and the pain he felt to a stranger who lived behind these holy walls.

“My son, you have to know that there is light. There is light even when it’s dark. You’ll find your place again.” The priest’s voice stayed nice and steady but even he was having a hard time with this man’s pain.

Rey sat up, pulling his face out of his hands and wiping his tears. He leaned his head against the screen, sighing a little. He wiped more tears as he tried to listen to what the priest had to say but couldn’t really get it. Light even where there’s dark? Rey didn’t know where to begin but this priest seemed to be confident he would find this light. Maybe Rey would too. Even if it was dark at this moment. Even if he lost everything he could find light. When he was a kid he always believed God gave another chance. Maybe he just had to find his chance again.

“Will God forgive me for not believing?” Rey asked, for this moment he needed forgiveness.

“Yes, just repeat after me my son.” And he began to repeat:

“My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart…”

Rey knew it would be extremely hard to find that light. He knew God couldn’t forgive him but Rey needed hope for going with confidence and safety into the Killer’s World.

“In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you, whom I should love above all things.”

Whatever route Rey was taking he knew he was going blinded but he was ready.

“I firmly resolve with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for us, In his name, my God, have mercy, Amen.”

Rey was going to make a stand in the Killer’s World. Not sinless but with a little more hope. He was reborn that night and he was ready to fight.

“I pray for you my son.” The priest said. “Go in peace.”

“Thank you father.” Rey said, giving a small smile and wiped the last of his tears. Rey soon stood up from the bench and got out of the confession room. Rey didn’t even look back to see if the priest came out, but as he walked out Rey stopped and look back at Jesus Christ with the heart in the middle of his chest. Rey gave a smile, and turned his back on the statues leaving the church to the dark rainy night.

Subscribe

Get Teen Ink’s 48-page monthly print edition. Written by teens since 1989.