You must tell your partner you have genital herpes. If you pick the right time and say it the right way, there's a good chance things will work out OK.

Think about how you want your partner to take the news. Do you want it to seem like a huge problem? Of course not, so don't present it that way. If you say, "I have some awful news for you," your partner will likely take it as awful news. Instead, be casual, direct and unemotional.

Also avoid suggesting how he or she should react, especially in the negative. If you say, "You're going to freak out when you hear this," or "Don't freak out, but...," you are setting your partner up to panic either way.

Simply say you have genital herpes, and ask if he or she knows what that means. Be prepared to present the facts.
Know as Much as You Can About Genital Herpes First

Before you tell, learn all you can about genital herpes so you can be prepared to answer any questions your partner may have. Stress that it's very common. Hearing the one-in-five statistic could be a relief. Also explain what it means to have it. Some people get sores on their genitals occasionally, but many others get symptoms so mild they don't even notice them.

Choose your words wisely. You don't want to load the discussion with negative imagery. Although genital herpes is a disease, saying that you have this "disease" conjures up unpleasant images, so avoid using that word. Watch your adjectives, too. Don't describe your condition as "horrible," "disgusting," or "incurable."
Pick the Right Setting

In addition to language, the setting can affect the outcome, too. Don't interrupt what your partner is doing to break the news. That is, don't call him or her at work, or barge into a room and say, "Hey, we have to talk." That's how you might deliver news of a death in the family or start an argument.

The right setting is a relaxing one, just the two of you, where there won't be any distractions. A conversation over a quiet dinner or a walk in the park is preferable to a bowling alley or the supermarket.

The worst time to tell, other than after having sex, is during foreplay or when your clothes are already off. That would not only spoil the mood, but it could also annoy your partner, starting the conversation on the wrong foot.

It would be best to let the topic come up naturally in conversation. That way, it would seem less like a bombshell and more like any other development in your life. For example, you could say, "Just so you know, my doctor called me yesterday with some test results, and said I have the virus that causes genital herpes."

If you've never slept with the person before, it's not impolite to ask if he or she has any sexually transmitted diseases. You could start the conversation by being the first one to ask. It's possible that he or she might start giving you the same herpes information you had been preparing to give.

It's also possible that your partner might take the news badly no matter how well you deliver it. In that case, don't get defensive. Allow him or her some time to think it over in private, calm down, and come to terms with it. It may not be the first challenge you've faced together, and if the relationship is valuable enough to continue, it won't be the last.

When my boyfriend and I began our sexual relationship, he insisted on using condoms. I gratefully agreed because I felt it then wouldn't be necessary for me to tell him about my STD — herpes. Now, two months later he's decided that he "trusts" me enough to stop using the condoms. I don't see any way I can keep the relationship, even if he can handle the STD part, if I tell him I've been lying over the past two months. Do you have any advice? I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to be responsible for giving him any diseases either.

Dear Reader,

Sounds like you're dealing with a number of difficult issues. For one, you may still be adjusting to the idea of having herpes — accepting the fact that this virus will be with you for the rest of your life, understanding how the virus "works," and learning how to manage herpes. At the same time, you're struggling with how to tell your partner about your herpes. On top of these already overwhelming issues, you may be dealing with feelings of guilt about having herpes and about not telling your boyfriend; anxiety about telling him and his reaction; and, fear of rejection.

First of all, it's important to stop beating yourself up over not telling your boyfriend about your herpes sooner. It takes a great deal of courage (and even practice) to be able to tell others, especially a new partner. You can't change the fact that you didn't tell him before you started having sex, but you can begin to think constructively about how to deal with the situation you're in right now. And, you can learn from what has happened to prevent similar situations in the future.

You don't have to immediately tell a partner about your herpes. However, if you think you'll become sexually active with someone, you do have a responsibility to let that person know. Not telling can lead to an increased risk of infection for your partner, and possible spread to others (if the two of you break up and become involved with other people). Not telling can also cause you the feelings of guilt and fear that you are already experiencing.

In the future, Alice suggests that you bring the subject up with a new partner well before you become sexually intimate. Use some variation of the following statement to get the ball rolling: "Before we become intimate, we need to talk about some things, like STDs and contraception. The reason I'm bringing this up is that I have herpes — you need to know about it, and we need to decide how best to protect ourselves... " For further reference, you may want to read How to ask someone you're going to have sex with if they have any diseases in Alice's Relationships archives.

Alice doesn't know how long you've had herpes, or whether this is your first intimate relationship since you learned you have herpes. In general, people with herpes find that with time and a better understanding of the disease, telling new partners becomes easier. They also discover that herpes doesn't affect their intimate relationships and sex lives as much as they originally feared it would. There are a number of resources available for you to learn about herpes (Alice lists them at the end). You can also learn to manage the disease, minimizing its impact on your life, with the help of a health care provider who's well-versed in herpes management. If you find yourself overwhelmed with negative thoughts about having herpes, you may find it helpful to keep a journal, or write down your thoughts, and think them through. You could also find a support group, or a counselor, to help you work through your feelings.

A solid base of knowledge about herpes can make it easier for you to tell a partner. The more you know, the less you fear; and, the more you can allay your partner's fears. You'll be able to tell him the facts, dispel any myths, and correct any misinformation he may have about herpes. If he has questions, you'll be prepared to answer them (well,... most of them). You might want to have a book or pamphlets with herpes information on hand, or have your computer logged on to Alice when you tell him.

This is all fine and well, but what about actually getting the words out of your mouth? Of course, you need to decide what you're most comfortable saying, and in what setting. Alice can't give you a script, but she can pass along a few pointers from the American Social Health Association (ASHA) that you might be able to use:

1. Pick a time when both of you will be in reasonably good moods and relaxed for this conversation. Choose a place with few, if any, distractions.

2. Start out on a positive note ("I'm really happy with our relationship..."). This will put him in a positive mindset, and he may respond more agreeably than if you start out saying something like, "I have some really, really bad news... "

3. Your delivery can influence his acceptance of, and reaction to, what you say. If you're calm and collected talking about herpes, he may be, too. If you act like it's the end of the world, he might agree that it is.

4. Allow a conversation to take place, rather than doing all of the talking yourself.

If you can, direct the conversation to ******* not only herpes, but STDs and STD prevention/birth control. Encourage him to ask questions, and to let you know what he's thinking and feeling. Let him know you're concerned about him, and that you're willing to find a way to make your relationship work, if he is. Also, realize that you'll probably need to talk about this more than once before things are resolved.

After you've said what you need, be aware that you will not be able to control his reaction. That's why your delivery is so important — try to influence how he'll hear what you're telling him. He might need time to himself at first; he might want to break up right then and there; or, he might take the news fairly well. Whatever his reaction, know that he has a right to his feelings and to the time needed to sort them out.

Chances are, it won't be as bad as you think it will be. Herpes is fairly common. He may have already dealt with herpes with a friend, a former partner, or a family member. On the other hand, if he reacts badly and wants to break up, it's better that you discover this now. There will always be other fish in the sea — many who will be attracted to you for who you are, herpes *******d (just make sure they know it)!

Books
# Managing Herpes, by Charles Ebel
# Our Bodies, Ourselves for the New Century, by The Boston Women's Health Book Collective
The chapter on STDs has a section on herpes, and there is a resource list located at the end of this chapter.

How did you meet your partner? We met in a crowded bar in Omaha, Nebraska. I was out with a few friends celebrating my 24th birthday and friends' 21st birthday. I had noticed her smiling at me from across the dance floor off and on throughout the night and I smiled back at her. This went on for a while until I finally worked up the courage to ask her to dance. We danced until the bar closed and the rest, as they say, is history.

How long have you been going out? We will be dating for 1 year on September 1st, but it feels as if we have known each other for much longer.

What attracted you to her? Well, I would be a liar if I didn't say she was gorgeous, but the first thing that attracted me to her was her smile. I would have never even attempted to ask her out let alone ask her to dance if I hadn't caught her smiling at me.

When did she tell you? We had been dating for about 3 months before she told me.

How did your partner tell you she had herpes? We had just finished watching a movie when all of a sudden she got really quiet. I was leaving town the next morning to go back to work (I travel 3 weeks out of the month for my job). I could tell something was bothering her but she wouldn't come out with it. After 15 minutes of coaxing she finally started telling me about it. The frustrating thing was she didn't come out and explain it being "Herpes" until the very end. She started talking about her being infected with a virus that hasn't been cured, is sexually transmitted and that she didn't want me to get it. She was crying off and on through her explanation saying that she was sure I wouldn't want to be her boyfriend anymore and that there was no way I would love her after knowing this. She still hadn't told me the virus was Herpes and I was scared that she was infected with HIV. I was relieved when she finally said she had Herpes.

Before, during or after intimacy? We had not been intimate yet and we waited another 3 months before having intercourse, after we each were tested for all the other STD's as well as HIV. We decided together that this was the intelligent and safe thing to do before jumping in the sack together.

What was your first reaction? After she had explained everything to me she gave me a few printouts about Herpes as well as an issue of the Helper to read through. I was a little scared at first but after finding out that it was Herpes and not HIV I was much more comfortable.

What were your major concerns? My major concerns were that we could have a normal life together, marriage, children etc. I was not very concerned with the chance of infection, I had decided that my love for her outweighed the side effects of getting Herpes.

Do you have any regrets about your first reaction? My only regret is that I had to leave town the very next morning and we didn't get a chance to talk sooner after she had told me. I realize that it had to be a very tough thing for her and I wish I had been there with her after we had talked about it to reassure her more.

Did education about herpes help you calm any fears you may have had? Yes, After reading through much of the documentation on the Internet and various other sources I have been able to educate myself further.

What was the greatest resource or support that you had? Her, and the various resources she has accumulated after being infected.

What would you recommend to someone who has just been told that his or her partner has Herpes? Education, Education, Education.

How concerned are you about transmission? Not very, I decided before we became intimate that she was worth the risk. I am deeply in love with her and I am not gonna let some microscopic bug get in-between the two of us.

What steps do you take to prevent transmission? She is on suppressive therapy (Valtrex) and we use a condom every time we have sex, although the condoms are more to prevent unplanned pregnancy than to prevent transmission of the virus.

Do you still tackle with the issue, or do you feel OK with it? I have no qualms whatsoever with it, I think she has the bigger problem with it than I do sometimes. She is very active on the Internet both message boards and newsgroups and there are a large number of infected people out there that believe that people with Herpes should not date those that aren't infected. Some of them are downright mean about the whole issue and it is very upsetting to her and me at times. This was a bigger issue when we first started dating but has not been much of a problem during the last few months. Overall I think the whole Herpes issue has been a benefit to our relationship, through her being infected we have been able to communicate about many subjects that most relationships don't even talk about. We were both tested for all STD's before having intercourse and we can talk about anything, there is no lack of communication between us.