Dad in-training: Pulling your relationship back from the brink

Previously, I’ve spoken about the need for us parents to put the focus back on each other. Admittedly, it can be easier said than done given all the competing responsibilities we have as parents, professionals and homeowners.

But it is necessary nonetheless. We must make that extra effort to keep our relationships strong because if we don’t, things can quickly take a turn for the worse. Daily conflicts, often over the most small and mundane annoyances or disagreements, can escalate into full-scale spousal warfare if they’re not addressed head-on. Over time, it can lead to growing feelings of animosity and infect all other parts of the relationship. In some cases, it can even cause relationships to break down – which can be especially traumatic when children are involved.

So with that in mind, I’ve once again asked social worker and psychotherapist Jacquelyn Garvie to talk about some of the most common conflicts we face as busy parents, how they might escalate – and how we might diffuse them before our relationships hit a breaking point.

Sources of conflict

There are many ways in which conflict arises in our relationships. But the following are among the most common that parents face.

Kids are stressful: It’s okay to admit it: kids can be a handful. Once they reach a certain age, they’re constantly testing the boundaries – and learning how to push your buttons, too.

“I wouldn’t say that becoming parents will cause a marriage to break down,” says Garvie. “However, if there are a lot of problems in the relationship, having children will often make them worse. [You’re spending] less time together and have less energy. If communication was already a problem, parenting may turn into another area of conflict.”

Garvie adds that children can even learn to exploit existing conflict. “If there is a divide between the parents, [some] children will use this to their advantage, often causing increased conflict between parents and further relationship breakdown.”

Lack of intimacy: In a busy household, it’s easy to fall into routine. I’ve discussed before how by the time you factor in your work schedule, commute times, meal times and all the other responsibilities of parenthood, couples often make each other their last priority. Part of it is simply a fact of life; with all that needs to be done, there’s not much time left over. But that doesn’t mean love and affection are any less important. We need to carve out romantic time for ourselves. If we lose that closeness with our partners, we do so at our own peril.

What happens when there’s a lack of intimacy in a relationship? According to Garvie, it’s common for negative assumptions and resentment to fill the void.

“Often, partners will negatively label the other’s actions as purposefully hurtful or disrespectful,” she says. “This is usually due to lack of communication – or ‘mind reading’ about your partners intentions.”

Little things become a big deal: Running a household isn’t that different from running a business. And most of the responsibility of maintaining a healthy home is made up of small, mundane tasks that may not seem that important on their own, but add up quickly. Especially if they’re not getting done.

It’s common for couples to snipe at each other when these things are either neglected – or at least not being done to each other’s liking.

“It can actually get very serious,” says Garvie. “If couples do not talk about their feelings and do not come to a resolution, these frustrations can develop into resentment, which can lead some to interpret their partner’s actions as inherently negative and lead to distancing and withdrawal from one another”

There will always be disagreements. But resolving conflicts through constructive communication can benefit kids, too. (Photo: JackF/Fotolia.com)

Finding resolution

How do we cool down and get back in control?

Learn to communicate. Properly. The solution to a lot of these problems is to talk about it. But you need to know how, because the wrong way can make things worse.

“Sit down and discuss how you are feeling, when you are feeling it, in an assertive manner,” says Garvie. Try using “I” and “feeling”, and avoid blaming, labeling or “you” statements.

For dividing up responsibilities, Garvie suggests couples create a list of all the family and household responsibilities and then dividing it up.

“Actually writing out who is responsible for what tasks and agreeing on how often the tasks should be done can be very helpful and clear up any misunderstandings,” she notes.

Avoiding assumptions can go a long way, too. “Realize that the problem may be due in part to personality differences and not ‘laziness’ or a lack of caring from the other person,” says Garvie. “By recognizing and accepting our differences and not personalizing what is generally going to be a perpetual problem in your relationship, you can work compromises – as opposed to feeling hurt and disrespected by your partner’s actions.”

Think of the children: A healthy relationship between you and your spouse creates a more positive, nurturing environment for your kids. Conversely, a tense home environment filled with raised voices and hostility can have serious consequences for your kids’ well-being.

“Living in a high-conflict home decreases a child’s feelings of safety and security and will jeopardize their emotional stability,” says Garvie. “Children can develop a number of psychological issues including anxiety, depression and even post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as behaviour issues such as acting out at school or at home, temper tantrums and issues with anger and aggression.”

Living in a household where parents are always yelling and fighting, she adds, teaches children unhealthy communication and poor conflict resolution skills – deficits that they will often carry with them into adulthood.

So while disagreements are inevitable, Garvie says, we have to be mindful of our own behaviour around our kids.

“It can actually be beneficial to talk out issues and come to resolution with children around,” she notes, ” as it teaches them how to compromise.”

Keys to survival

Resolving these conflicts can be difficult, and it doesn’t always save the relationship. In Garvie’s experience, the following elements have been crucial to turning things back from the brink.

Wanting to make things work: Managing conflicts in a relationship takes effort – which in turn requires a genuine desire from both individuals in a couple to see things through.

Taking responsibility: Each partner needs to acknowledge their own contributions to the problems in the relationship and stop deflecting blame towards the other person.

Make time as a couple: Carve out that time for you and your partner. Balance your responsibilities, but make sure you’re not neglecting your own relationship in the process.

Better communication: Learning how to communicate respectfully and assertively can eliminate misunderstandings and deal with new problems as they arise, rather than letting them fester beneath the surface. Better communication means better listening as well.