1. noun - word to substitute for the effectionaty application of the word "cunt"
2. noun - a piece of ass.
3. noun - referring to a person in power that has the best intentions, but often fails miserably at everything they do. Usually preceded by the word "Captain"

1. I wouldn't mind filling her crumpet with a wad of my love honey.
2. Check out the crumpet on that walking spit roast.
3. If Captain crumpet doesn't start Stumpy Stu on the bench this game, I'm going to shove a stick up his ass and use him as a toilet brush.

The meaning of this word is often mis-understood in the British Isles. Instead of meaning an attractive woman, it in fact means the polar opposite.

A Crumpet is in fact a horrifically ugly mess of a woman, who bares some similarities to a Crumpet. E.G: A cratered face, A greasy face, A short rounded physique. A Crumpet is in fact a woman, who a man should never touch with a bargepole. If a man does 'Eat a Crumpet,' he should lose all respect and all social status.

Example 1.
Male #1: *Wretches* Look at that mess on the other side of the road!
Male #2: What a crumpet. I'd never spread my butter on that.

Example 2.
Male #1: *Wakes up in unfamiliar bedroom. Looks at the woman lay in bed next to him. Instantly thinks 'What a filthy crumpet!' He then legs it to the nearest exit.*

Small creatures that live primarily under couches and beds. They resemble cotton balls or soot balls or dust bunnies, although any smallish and round object with eyes and legs may be referred to as a crumpet. Most have stick-like arms and legs without knees or elbows. Crumpets are generally non-gender specific. Most people are unaware of their existence.

As I was eating my plate of crumpets, one tried to escape and I had to stab him with my fork as he ran across the table.