A day in the life of a Goblin Smithy and his adventures through Vana'diel. He'll laugh, he'll cry, he'll get stabbed to death by six people...
It's a metaphor really.
For getting stabbed.
A lot.

Monday, September 04, 2006

A Sneak Peek

A few readers have been asking what the Fan Pack stories are like.

I really have no way of describing them, so I decided it would be fun to post one of the Fan Pack stories.

This story was in the very first blog fan pack from four months ago. A lot of people missed out on it, so I thought I'd post it tonight while I continue to work on my computer problem.

I will note though that this is a one time only thing. The fan pack stories are meant to be exclusive and I want to make sure fan club members have something special. I'm only posting this one because it's four months old.

And without further adieu, I give you the Smithy Chronicles - Volume 1.

The Smithy Chronicles – Volume 1

As a bonus, you have also received this special gift pack, my way of saying I appreciate the support.

Also, it’s my way of saying I appreciate your constant willingness to get stabbed by me. If it weren’t for you soft, pudgy flesh-bags, I wouldn’t have a job.

And that would mean spending time with my wife.

Seriously. Thank you.

Now, many of you are no doubt wondering how I got this job. Even if you don’t, I’m going to pretend that you do as it makes for an easy transition into the story.

I actually started out as an Adventurer.

I know, I know. A Goblin Adventurer?!

We like to adventure, too, you know. Damned racist.

Or specist.

Or shut the hell up.

Sweet Altana, how I loved Adventuring. Spending my days exploring the frozen tundra of Quifim, walking through the ruins of Garlaige Citadel, making my way through the hidden depths of the Crawler’s Nest.

Note to self: Why did I like it again?

Things weren’t exactly easy for me. Believe it or not, people had a hard time accepting a Goblin in their party.

I got less invites than a Dragoon.

I mean, damn.

So, like many, I took up crafting. Pretty soon, I was burning through the levels and finally decided to call myself Goblin Smithy.

Plus, it enabled me to actually make my own armor. This has come in extremely handy as nowadays people like to poke holes in it with pointy objects.

I do wish I had taken the time to learn how to make a subligar without a giant point at the front.

Believe me, I’m not that happy to see you.

Now, you’re probably thinking that months of crafting with very few party invites caused me to withdraw and become aggressive. That it was probably a long, slow process.

Not so much.

It was actually one party that pushed me over the edge.

Picture it. I was a fresh, young goblin trying to make his way as a Warrior. I had abandoned the White Mage sub of my youth and was studying the subtleties of the job class.

Plus, Berserk freakin’ rocked.

I was in your normal Yhoator Jungle party trying desperately to hot level 30, so I could unlock the advanced job quests.

I had dreams once of becoming a Paladin. Ironic, considering I spend most of my days pounding Paladins’ faces through the back of their helmets.

So, everything was going normal. We were getting good exp and I was almost there.

I could taste that new job.

Then the White Mage had to leave. He made some excuse about needing his insulin or something.

N00b.

Fortunately, or so we thought at the time, another White Mage was seeking in Kazham and we were able to pick up a replacement right away.

He showed up to camp and right away, I was a little worried about him.

I’m not sure if it was his demeanor. Or maybe the dull look in his eye.

Or maybe the fact that he wasn’t wearing pants.

GoblinSmithy>> Um…

GoblinSmithy>> Why aren’t you wearing pants?

WhiteMage>> I’m a white mage.

GoblinSmithy>> And pants are against the White Mage code or something?

GoblinSmithy>> The groin coverage would interfere with your ability to cure?

WhiteMage>> Pants aren’t a big deal.

WhiteMage>> I don’t need pants to do my job.

GoblinSmithy>> I doubt many people need pants to do their job.

GoblinSmithy>> But everyone should still have pants.

GoblinSmithy>> Pants are civilization.

WhiteMage>> Whatever, man.

WhiteMage>> You’re not a white mage.

Now, I could have kept going there, but I didn’t. I was too close to 30 to start a fight and mess this up now.

I decided to suffer the moron.

So, we start fighting and things are going okay. Not as good as before, but I was not really surprised.

Level 30 was getting closer, though, so I was content.

And then it happened.

WhiteMage>> Smithy, you idiot!

WhiteMage>> Stop provoking!

GoblinSmithy>> I’m the back up tank.

GoblinSmithy>> I need to provoke so the Ninja can get his shadows up.

WhiteMage>> I’m wasting mp trying to cure you.

GoblinSmithy>> No. You’re using your mp to cure me.

GoblinSmithy>> If you don’t, you’re going to waste mp trying to raise us all.

WhiteMage>> Listen, n00b. I know how this works.

WhiteMage>> I have a level 47 Dark Knight.

GoblinSmithy>> I’m sure that experience comes in handy as a White Mage!

WhiteMage>> Man, you’re stupid.

WhiteMage>> You don’t even know how to play.

Why is it always the worst person in the party that starts telling people they don’t know how to play?

They’re always the first person to start handing out criticism and laying blame for poor exp.

Funny, they’re usually (read: almost always) the reason, too.

Isn’t that weird?

GoblinSmithy>> Okay, I’m going to explain this very slowly.

GoblinSmithy>> Ninja use shadows, he no die.

GoblinSmithy>> He lose shadows, he die.

GoblinSmithy>> He die, we die.

GoblinSmithy>> Are you following so far?

WhiteMage>> Shut up, moron.

GoblinSmithy>> Good. You’re keeping up.

GoblinSmithy>> Though a “yes, continue please” will suffice.

WhiteMage>> Bite me.

GoblinSmithy>> Sigh.

GoblinSmithy>> We die is bad. Very, very bad.

GoblinSmithy>> We no want die.

WhiteMage>> Just shut the hell up.

GoblinSmithy>> I provoke, Ninja keep shadow, we no die.

GoblinSmithy>> We no die, YAY!

GoblinSmithy>> You no cure, me die, Ninja die, you die.

GoblinSmithy>> Though that last part doesn’t exactly bother me.

WhiteMage>> Damn, you’re such a n00b.

WhiteMage>> Just do your damned job.

GoblinSmithy>> Why don’t you try doing yours?

We grudgingly move on to the next mob. We’re tearing through that mandragora like there’s no tomorrow. The Ninja gets low on shadows, so I provoke.

It was tough, but we made it through okay. There were a couple of close calls, but the Black Mage managed to keep us going.

And then he said it.

WhiteMage>> I hope you learned something.

The rest is a bit of a blur after that. I remember screaming and then beating the White Mage to death with his own shoes. Hours later, I woke up covered in blood and feeling better that ever before. And that’s when I made a new “friend”.