Are you an aspiring Ben Roethlisberger? Are you a man who likes to cruise college bars in search of barely lucid cuties for sloppy sexing? Well, certainly you’ve considered the perils of that whole “rape thing,” right? Well worry no more, friend. Because the fine folks at LoveContract.net have got your back.

Yes, with their custom crafted, allegedly legally binding bone zone agreements, LoveContract.net promises to keep you out of jail and off of any sex offender registry, or from showing up on Maury as a surprise guest for that matter.

Love contracts are a quick and easy way to keep your love-making safe from potential false rape claims and other such unwarranted hardships. We are currently offering basic contracts to fit most people’s sexual safety needs. Our lawyers are working around the clock to bring you the best and most up to date contracts possible.

And if paternity is your concern, well, LoveContracts.net can take care of that with a couple of simple clauses added to the basic contract…

So what are you waiting on, fellas? Print some of these bad boys out and stash ‘em in your nightstand.

“Hey, um, what’s your name again? Oh yeah, Ashley, um, would you mind signing this before I penetrate you? Wait, where’d that pen go? Oh here it is…OHHHHH, you spell your name with two Es at the end instead of an “ey.” That’s SO. CUTE. Okay, ready to make each other squirt?”