Monday, April 28, 2008

When we first moved in together over a year ago, Totally Awesome Fiancé never cleaned the bathroom. I would ask him, Very Nicely, “Dear, would you clean the bathroom please?” He would tell me, “Sure!” And then it would Never Get Done. Days and Days and Days went by. Okay, so I may have Left All My Clothes On The Floor, rather than throwing them in the hamper and he asked me to Pick Them Up. And Days and Days and Days went by. But, these seemed like Silly Matters to Get Angry over.

So, we decided we needed to hire someone to Clean Our House.

I asked around. Someone suggested Craig’s List. And that is where we found Our First Housekeepers. I will call them Dusty and Musty.

Dusty and Musty cleaned Very Nicely. But, they always showed up Late. The first time they were 15 Minutes Late. The next month they were 30 Minutes Late. The Last Time they were One Hour and Forty Five Minutes Late. And NO PHONE CALL. We were just expected to Sit Around and Wait for them to arrive, I suppose. When they did finally show up that last time, Dusty sat down on our patio and talked to a prospective client on her cell phone for fifteen more minutes. And then I Fired Them. We got an excuse about Not Hearing An Alarm. But, these were Two Forty Year Old Women. The Alarm Clock Excuse ceases Effectiveness sometime between One’s First Real Job and One’s Second Real Job. Dusty and Musty were on One’s One Hundred And Thirteenth Real Job.

When we needed New Housecleaners, I delegated The Task to Totally Awesome Fiancé. After all, he did Well finding us A Rabbi To Marry Us! He could easily find us Cleaning People To Clean For Us!

And he did. He found A Woman on Craig’s List who was Very Nice, Charged An Obscenely Low Amount, and even came with Her Own Cleaning Equipment. She came to clean our house and did a Terrific Job. The next month we had her back and she did An Even More Fantastic Job! In fact, she did such A Good Job, we nearly didn’t realize Totally Awesome Fiancé’s Box of Johnny Walker Black was Gone.

At first I gave The Cleaning Woman the benefit of the doubt. I mean, why go to all the trouble of doing A Great Cleaning Job if you are going to do something that would get you Fired? The thought occurred to us that she might have just Misplaced The Scotch! Or, maybe I got up in the middle of the night, drank it, and blacked out so I Don’t Remember Drinking It! Or Totally Awesome Fiancé drank it in some Surprise Scotch-Drinking Stupor and then threw it all away! Eh, Anything is Possible.

We tried calling Cleaning Girl, but Two Messages Asking Her To Call Us Back have gone Unreturned. We could have been asking her to Come Back More Frequently, so we are pretty sure The Lack Of Return Call means Cleaning Girl Gone Drunk Our Scotch.

Needless to say, we need A New Cleaning Person again.

And this time, let’s hope it’s someone who Cleans Our House, not Cleans Us Out.