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Remember Aaron Hernandez? His defense rested today. Very tired…

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A couple of years ago, Aaron Hernandez went on trial for murdering his future brother-in-law. All of the sports websites wrote about the trial and subsequent conviction. That murder trial was a yuge deal, probably the yugest deal, and believe me, I know yuge, everybody says I know yuge better than anybody.

…shakes off Alec Baldwin impersonation…

Anyway, Hernandez’s defense team rested their case today for a double-murder trial unrelated to the previous murder trial. Seriously, there is a Hernandez Body Count (TM), but most of the sports websites all but ignored the latest trial. What were they thinking? THIS WAS A 2-FER DEAL! TWO DEAD GUYS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE TRIAL! Obviously not news worthy because Aaron’s 40 million is already up in smoke…yes, I understand how media works (ok, not really, it vexes me. I’m terribly vexed. Which is why I blog. Terribly.)

No shocking revelations were introduced during the trial, but if Aaron’s trial history is any indication, those shocking revelations will only come during closing arguments. Hopefully they will be just as entertaining as they were last time. In the meantime, let’s pick this most recent trial apart, shall we?

Hernandez’s lawyers made an accusation that prosecutors knowingly used false testimony from the star government witness, Alexander Bradley. As you may recall, Bradley is the guy who claimed he was shot in the face by Hernandez and left for dead, then later claimed he didn’t know who shot him (I would find it difficult to forget who shot me point-blank in the face, to be perfectly honest).

Bradley claimed he initially wanted to tell a grand jury that he did not recall who shot him, to shield Hernandez from criminal charges.

Google Translate totally failed with this one, so let me translate what Bradley actually meant: “I was afraid that sumbitch would shoot me in the face again if I squealed”

The final defense witness was Dr. Jamie Downs, a forensic pathologist, who said the wounds of one of the victims indicated that the victim’s face was turned toward the shooter and that he had his right arm raised up, suggesting that the victim was holding a gun. And reading between the testimonial lines, we can conclude he meant the victim was pointing a gun at Hernandez and/or Bradley.

But when reading between the reality lines, it’s more likely that the victim was pointing a fully-loaded middle finger at Hernandez. Honestly, who wouldn’t flip off a multimillionaire who’s been acting like a douche all night?

In other news, Shayanna Jenkins-Hernandez, the woman who took Aaron’s name without getting the ring…or even a damn car…still has nothing new to add after being granted immunity for her testimony. She just trashed on Bradley, even though there was no reason for immunity if all she would need to do is trash Bradley. It’s like immunity doesn’t even mean anything anymore.