Ghost Again

this is not the full story, just a preview, but it's a true story. Read about how it all happened. it's part two, so try to make sense of it. If you're interested, let me know.

I guess wondering how I wound up back here is a really great place to begin. I know I owe maybe a million people a significant explanation. A few months ago in maybe November of 07, a lot of things were going on. It was just so much to handle, and for fourteen, stress should have been the last thing for me to have to deal with. Accept it wasn’t. I had finally found what truly made me happy, even though I had reality to deal with after everything was said and done. I had everything I could have ever wanted, that’s what I revolved my heart around…. What made me happy? The only thing that I had to look forward to was Lady Raider Basketball. They made me happy. Being on the team was actually very difficult, especially mentally. I did my best to handle it though. Basketball helped me forget reality every time we were together. It helped me think about what would happen next, and not about the next day. On about November 19 or the twentieth, my life completely changed. More than I ever thought that it would. I was leaving the day after our second scrimmage, the twenty first, on a Wednesday. I couldn’t believe it. My world slowly collided into the one that I forgot about. I didn’t know what to think, or what to feel. I didn’t know if I should’ve been happy, or the complete opposite, sad. The world that I made myself forget was coming back for me. I realized I had to do to the life I created, what was once done to the life that I forgot about. I had to leave it. I forgot to breathe for a few seconds knowing what I knew. I didn’t know what to do about it. Like a good girl though, I prepared for good bye.

At school Monday, it was a normal day. I fell asleep in 5th and 6th period as usual. Those were my favorite classes to sleep in. Everything was good. I had to figure out what I was going to say to my teammates, and all my friends. Wow. Good bye all over again for me. Here’s another one. Even though I had until Wednesday, I bought a seventy page notebook, yellow by the way. I wrote about all my teammates that time let me have time for. In seventh period, I got to class late at maybe 2:10 or 2:20. Class started at 1:50. The inter come came on and I was actually hoping that they were going to call my name because this guest speaker in social studies class was boring me to sleep. They called my name to go up to the office. I was glad to get out of social studies class. I was sick of hearing that lady. I figured though, why did they want me? Maybe they just wanted to clarify something. That has always been the case, correct? When I got to the office, I found my sister standing up there. She wasn’t exactly in the office, but she was in the room next to the office when you first walk into the school. I leaned my head into the door, curious as to what she wanted. She told me not to go back to class, and to just walk out of the school and meet her in the back over by the gym doors. I was scared, but I did what she what she said. The only problem was, was that I wasn’t ready to go yet. A friend of mine named Keisha grabbed my things out of class since I couldn’t walk back in, and met me at my locker. I grabbed anything of any significance out of my locker, and placed it in my book bag. I gave Keisha my eighty dollar basketball shoes that my dad had just bought me. What the hell was I thinking? But I wasn’t thinking, so oh well right? We gave each other a hug, then I walked out of the gym doors and got in my sisters car. There were policeman in the school, and cameras all down the hallway that I walked down before I disappeared. I wasn’t signed out or anything. I just walked out. I couldn’t believe it. Everything I never wanted to lose in the first place was back, and I didn’t want it anymore. I had already moved on. It was too late to apologize. It still is. I wanted what I wanted; still I did what I did. Everything I let myself be opened to, I was losing. I had only ten minutes to even think about it. That’s not enough time. It takes half of that ten to take something like what I did in. it would never be enough. I wondered what went wrong, because I thought I had until Wednesday. How was I wrong? Here’s another good bye that had to be read, and not said face to face. I hate it when this happens. It intervenes every time.

Being home for the first time in almost three and a half years felt………. I don’t know……… kind of strange. It was very different. Honestly, I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all. In fact I hated it. I don’t know why. Maybe because I wasn’t used to it as much as I thought I would be anymore. It felt kind of wrong, me not being happy and all; being that I was home. This is what I once wanted. Yes!!!! Once verses the present makes views on a lot of things very different. I couldn’t really help it though. I wasn’t used to this life anymore. I didn’t want to get back used to it either. I had worked so hard to forget this life, because once upon a day we had to say our good byes. After that moment, I never looked back on it. I erased it, because to me it was useless now.

Being back wasn’t all bad. It was okay I guess. Except me knowing that I found its replacement, and I wasn’t switching roles again.

I had to hide behind the jokes I made, but everything was okay. After being home for maybe a week, I found out that the day I left, my friend L@DERICK@ was looking for me. She said she asked Coach Anthony to check and see if I got signed out and went home. She found out that I hadn’t been. She didn’t know where I was, and we had practice at 5:00. It was late practice. I was already in Nashville, Tennessee. I had wondered about her the moment that I left. I was trying to find her, but we were in seventh period, and that would have taken me forever. I didn’t have time for all that. I had to go. I had no time left. The ten minutes I did have ended faster than I thought they would. So I had to say good bye to her in my mind. So in a whisper it was like, “Good bye L@DERICK@, I’ll holla at you another time.” We were th3e only two eight graders on the freshman team, and then there was one. It pained me to simply leave her hanging, but I could only hope that she understood. How could she though, she didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t have a choice. Now, she had to find another partner to run drills with, because I………. was gone.

She told me that that Monday when she went to practice and saw that I wasn’t there was when she kind of knew, but she was never really sure. I had heard that my dad had come to my practice asking if anyone had seen me. No one had. So I figured that if my dad asked my teammates if I had been there, they suspected that something was up or maybe that I just hadn’t got there yet. Either or right? No? Honestly it was his fault, because if he had been right back Sunday night like he said that he would, he would have found me at practice that Monday when he so desperately searched everywhere for me, Except he didn’t. Mistake number, oops, I forgot a few years ago. He must have looked for us at least two days, knowing that he wasn’t going to find us. What happened, happened because of the bad decisions and poor choices that he his self made.

I was out of school for maybe two weeks, my brothers a little bit more. I had to change again, and start all over again I realized. Except this time, for the first time in my life, I wasn’t about to let it happen again. I never said what my plans were about it. I just pressed play, and let the suspense grow on you. That’s what its doing isn’t it? I just did what I had to do. Pretend that everything was good, when I knew that it could never be. We lived in a hotel with my mom for a while, and soon moved into this bright orange house. I could be three blocks away, and still spot my house. It was mad crazy. It was very embarrassing as well.

That’s when I stared to realize that I made a huge mistake by walking away. I realized that the moment my sister told me not to go back to class, I shouldn’t have listened to her. I should have gone back to class, except I didn’t do that. I did what I did, and this is the price that I had to pay for it. It took me losing everything that I ever wanted to realize that I didn’t want to be without it. It was time for me to catch my dream. If I wanted it, then I had to go for it with everything that I had. Some people wait a lifetime for opportunities such as mine. I know in my heart that I wasn’t meant to lose it, not feeling the way that I felt about it, and the way that I still feel. I found what made me happy, and I wasn’t about to lose it. Not now, not never. It was everything to me, and I wasn’t about to just let it go.

Yeah, I know that I’m skipping around a bit, but bear with me. I know you still have a lot of unanswered questions, but hold on. Well, around late December is when I put some real thought into the whole leaving idea. Going back and all I mean. Of course I couldn’t tell anyone because that would just ruin the entire thing. No one could know, or the plan would have been off. One night, maybe January eighteenth maybe, I texted my friend L@DERICK@ at around eight on Saturday night. “Hey Ladericka, its Shaunice, letting you know that I might be back.” For a second I didn’t know if she was going to text back, until the phone made that crazy noise it does when you receive a text message. “Oh girl, for real!! When?” “I don’t know that decision is still pending.” She really couldn’t believe her ears. “Yeah, you sound happy.” “Yeah, everybody has been asking about you, and Coach put your poems you wrote about everybody up in the locker room.” “What!! “Yeah, Brooke and I are the only two real post players now. Awww, my bad for leaving you hanging L@DERICK@.” “Ok girl bye, I’ll talk to you later. I can’t help but wait.” I smiled as I read her message. “OK, go ahead and get that little sleep for church. IITE then. Tell everybody I said was up, and tell the Coach to hold my jersey.” “K”, she texted back, and then I let her go on to sleep.

I could tell that she was just so happy about it. I could hear it all in her voice. She told me on the phone in our previous conversations that she wanted me to come back. She told me that Coach said I still had my spot. Would that still be offered now? L@DERICK@S wish would come true now. My hearts desire will be granted, and I would be complete again. That’s all that I ever wanted. As days slowly passed by, day by day by day, I tried to contact my dads EX. I could only do that at my aunt’s house. She had long distance. It was perfect. I had contacted her once, accept I got her answering machine and left a message. I figured thought that since it was 3:20 when I called that she hadn’t got off work yet, or maybe she recognized the number on her phone and decided not to answer it. The message sounded a little something like this. “Hey, it’s me. Shaunice if you forgot. I was calling because I had some questions that I wanted to ask you. Well, I see that you aren’t picking up your phone, so you’re probably at work, or you ignored the ring, when you saw this number. I’ll try and contact you again as soon as possible, but do not tell you know who that I called you; I trust you, that is supposed to mean something okay. I’ll get into trouble if you call this number back, so wait for my ring okay. Just wait.”

That’s what the message sounded like. That’s what I said to her. For a week I tried calling and calling, but my plans always got ruined somehow. If it wasn’t this, then it was that. It was also very odd at the same time. Bear with me for a second. I made the phone call to Stephanie on a Tuesday I think. Keeping up? So after that day, I planned to cal on Wednesday, but I no longer could. My uncle was home, my mom, and her boyfriend. So I could forget Wednesdays’ plan. Thursday came, something was up…. Friday came, and there it was again, all the way to Thursday of the next week. Booked for the longest. Thursday the 31 of January. The first of the month of the new year of 2008, for almost two weeks, something came up. Strange right? Something always stopped me from exceeding with my plans. I observe a lot, so I catch a lot of things a lot quicker than others. From my observations I learned that somebody found out what I was doing, which was trying to leave and someone is trying to stop me. Now I had to plot while looking over my shoulder. How would I do it? Well, I would simply not care. I would make the calls when no one was home, and do it that way. With every criminal a mistake is left behind. I forgot that every call made shows up on the phone bill when it’s time to pay at the end of the month. It was so stupid of me. So the question was who knew? And what would they do besides what has already been done?

A long time ago Stephanie told me that if I ever needed anything, I could always give her a ring. Now was time for the moment of truth. The moment I had waited for. I knew she got my message because she didn’t call my aunt’s phone again. I knew I always liked her for a reason. She didn’t let me down. Today, January 31, I will attempt to give her another ring. I just hope that there won’t be anymore technicalities today.

It’s time for me to go. This life is no longer for me. The one that I knew no longer existed. I erased it, and it recreated itself. Until the time comes for me to call her approaches at three thirty when she gets off work, I guess I should tell you that I’m at school right now. It’s about ten O’ clock in the morning you know. The next time I picked up y pen was around one something. I hate Denton Middle School. It could never compare to my old school Warren East Middle School. Everything is different when I compare them. They are amongst two different worlds. Denton is just very explicit. Violent. Pandemonium struck at anytime. No one wished to learn, well there were a selective few, but I just couldn’t stand it. Girls and boys were just too disrespectful. I’m so glad that I grew up. I mean come on these were thirteen, fourteen, and fifteen year olds. Some were even sixteen. The immaturity level was very pathetic. If I would have never left when I did, some of the girls I find myself frowning at, could have very well been me. I hope that I am never like that. I’m better than that, and I’m really happy because of it. At ten years old I was able to move, and learn better than I ever could. The best thing I can say that I ever did. Well, the bell just rang, and it’s time for me to go. I’ll catch up with you on that phone call in a few. So don’t go anywhere.

Well, it’s seven thirty. I told you I would be back didn’t I? Well, I guess you would like to know how that phone call went. Well, not so well. Another insignificant factor that plays a part in my unhappiness. Imagine that.

I can’t believe I actually thought that it would work. Just wishful thinking I guess. Me being stupid. I actually thought that the phones would work, prior to all the other times they didn’t. I guess that I was just wrong. What is it that they say? If you fail at something, you try and try again if you truly wish to catch your dream. That’s what I found out that I had to do. So I would have to wait and try again. So because the phones don’t work tonight, I decided to fix me a sandwich or two, and watch some T.V. the HBO channel was showing a really good movie. One that I remembered well too. “Lake Placid.” Have you ever heard of it? The movie about the really large crocodile in the water. Does that ring any bells? I decided I didn’t want to watch it, so I flicked through the channels. I found a few basketball games on T.V. the Lady Vols were playing Ole Miss. Now I knew before even seeing the game I knew that the Lady Vols would win by about at most thirty. Plus Candice Parker played for the Lady Vols, and that amazing point guard Shannon Bobbitt. They couldn’t lose. They are the champions. The Celtics played the Mavericks at eight, and at ten the Spurs played Phoenix. I didn’t watch the Spurs game though. That was my favorite team but I just didn’t want to watch them. My aunts fish Max Payne was having a few issues. It looked dead. Earlier I tapped on the glass wondering if fish could sleep in water. I felt so slow, and stupid. My aunt doesn’t really play about her fish. She said she’d had them since they were born, so they were really like her kids. Wow! Right? Well, it’s 9:54 now. Let me do my exercise before I go to bed. After I do that, I’m going to lie down and go to sleep, so good night, until next time.

Well, its six thirty now, February the 1st. I decided to get dressed for school early so that I could have all the time I wanted to talk to you; just until seven O’clock approached. We’re like best friends, aren’t we? I talk to you all the time and you just listen. As you may know, I spent the night over my aunt’s house. It was raining too bad last night, so we just stayed over her house. My brothers got up a few minutes after I did and got dressed. They are never really on time. That’s their thing, being late. My bones are killing me. I guess that I’m just so tired, but I’m good now. I’m awake at least. I always dread going to school now, I can’t really stand it all. I never saw the day that I had to wear uniforms again. It’s not really that comfortable anymore. I got so used to wearing whatever I wanted, that uniforms again just felt new. They just cramped my style too much. On game days I was used to wearing my warm ups, but now, I couldn’t even play ball anymore. So since we’re friends, it’s obligated, basically mandatory that you know if I don’t have basketball, then I’ve got nothing. It means everything to me. So I feel like if I had to move, or sneak away from the place I had all the basketball opportunities I could ever want, and come to a place I thought I would, but didn’t; then what the hell am I doing back here? That’s how I feel. I mean, is that so wrong? I left a week before my basketball season began to come home and not play. That is bulls***. I can’t have that. I created “Alabama” when I was eleven years old. I had an obligation to all those fans in the stands that shouted my name whenever I scored a basket. I’m telling you, that was one of the greatest feelings in the world. I’d give anything to feel like I felt that day, because the feeling is extremely priceless. It doesn’t just come to you when you want it to, but it goes when it’s good and ready. That feeling is like popping a jumper before the buzzer rings with the game on the line and once the ball leaves your fingers the shot is close, but still you miss. You hang your head down in shame and total defeat. Your opponent will always win unless you run more, play harder defense, or score. It’s just that simple. This means that if you want to keep your dream, you had to do what it takes to keep it, and not let time steal your game. Don’t let life steal your dream. If you want it bad enough, then when you turn around it will be there, but enough about the past for now. Wow, I feel lie I have been talking all day already. It’s seven O’clock, it’s time for me to go to school and hit the books even though I really don’t want to. I have to look at it this way I don’t really have a choice. I have to do what needs to be done in order to get where I’m trying to go.

Right now I’m in my aunt’s car on my way to school. I hate being late, but well, I don’t actually care. Not for real anyway. I just hate that everybody has some smart remark. Don’t you just hate that? There were just certain people that intentionally tried to push my buttons. Maybe they wanted my attention or something, but I never waste my time on such nonsense. This conversation has to come to a close. I’ll try to talk to you in seventh period; because everyone in first period is nosey, and I don’t want them to see what we talk about. I promise I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. I’m not exactly sure when I’ll be back so just go get a snack or something. I’m not even close to the end of this journey. So note to self………… the snack that you’re going to get, make sure that it’s a really good one, or just wait until I get back. I know you want to know what happens next.

Its seventh period now, that was quick I know. I bet you’re wondering how it came so fast. Well, every other week, every ones classes go backwards. So it’s 1st, then 7th……… 6th. 5th…………… and so on. The only trick is you go to 1st period twice. It’s actually kind of stupid, but it’s not my school, so whatever. It’s only 7:55. I do anything in seventh period anyway. It’s not even a real class. “Fitness and Leisure.” Ooh, I’m scared right. Please! Girls at school blow my mind really. One girl told me that she didn’t plan to have kids until she was seventeen. She just doesn’t know how stupid that is. She wants to screw with her life, and then she can go ahead. I stared to say something, but what would be the point. It’s her life. Maybe after she ruins it, she’ll realize her mistakes. I just hope it won’t be too late by then. Anyway, next subject. Don’t be mad when I tell you this, but I found out yesterday why I couldn’t contact my dads ex at my aunt’s house. I couldn’t believe it when I found out. I know that you won’t. This will probably leave you speechless. I have to wait until she gets her phone back on. The bill is like two hundred something dollars. That’s a lot. The clock is slowly winding down on what fate decides that my destiny is going to be. Fate brought me that wonderful life I created it would never just take something like that away would it? So what you’re saying is that fate can just snatch whatever I get just like that? I can’t believe it. So I still have to place a shield over my heart to protect it. Can you believe that mess? That’s insane. Nope, correction, I guess that’s just life. How did I forget? My heart pounded as 2:25 approaches right around the corner.

Now that I know the phone is off, I still have to check and see if they went ahead and got it back on. I’m falling to pieces inside, and I don’t know why. At times, I hate to feel like this, because I’ve changed since my relatives last saw me. I was eleven years old, I’m fourteen now. Of course they should have known that when I came back we could never just pick back up where we stopped. I would never be the same person again. I left and when I came back it could be noticed that I grew up. You wan to know a secret? I was never ready to come back home. I don’t know why I did. I was listening to someone else when I should have just followed my heart. I hate that I came back. The thought had never crossed my mind unless I became angry and just said I wanted to come home. I was never actually ever serious. Still, it has been said to be careful what you wish for. Why? Well, you just might get it. I wasn’t careful what I wished for, because I think about that moment I walked out of school. I should have just gone back to class, but I didn’t. It was the gym doors, or back to class. I chose the gym doors. Looking back on that decision I know it was a mistake. I was being dumb. Where does the cost of doing what someone else wants get you? Nowhere. The thing about being dumb is that it’s based on the decisions you make that label you as dumb in the end. After I walked out of school, after about two hundred miles, I thought in my mind, “What the hell did I just do?” it was too late to turn back. It couldn’t be done. I made a decision that I couldn’t walk away from and as time passed, I hated it. I couldn’t do anything else but hate it. Everything that had eaten at me for two and a half years had finally gotten to me. That’s how I wound up back in Mobile, Alabama. This is not where I want to be anymore. This life died the moment I said good bye to it. All that I let it be was a memory of what was used to be.

I still wasn’t over my first love Brian T, but that’s a completely different story you have to read. That was Franklin Kentucky. This is Bowling Green, Kentucky. The two could never be the same. My love for Brian would always beat and always overshadow anything else, except he was gone, and I had to deal. I always did. Well, the bell is about to ring. I won’t be able to talk until at least one. I’ve got Math Class next and P.E twice. Basketball, yeah. So I’ll hit you back as soon as third period is over. I know you’re tired of me leaving you, but school is school. I have to participate or I fail. School will be over soon. I can’t wait. Let me go before I’m late to math class. He’ll give me Saturday school if I’m late. I didn’t know they could do that, but he’s one of the few teachers that take his job seriously. That’s a good thing. Well, I’ll holla when I get back, and maybe you can tell me how that snack of yours went.

So how’d that snack go? Good I hope. You didn’t miss me, did you? I’m just joking, I wasn’t serious. It’s past three now. I got so caught up at school I couldn’t get back to you when I wanted to. Don’t be mad. How could you be mad at this adorable smile and beaming personality? You can’t, and that’s what makes it so wonderful. The remainder of school was a total drag. I told you that’s why it takes so long to get back to you. You’ll forgive me though. I know that you will. Right now, I’m actually sitting down somewhere where you and I can just talk, and no one no one will bother us. So what do we talk about now? I wonder how the rest of this day is going to go. Nothing important is going to happen. I’m over here at my aunt’s house again until she gets home from work and drops me and my two brothers off at home. I do have a little information, so I guess I’ll share. Whenever my aunt pays her phone bill, she’ll get that list of all the calls that got made. If she sees that 535 numbers, then things are going to set off. So I’m hoping that she doesn’t notice it, just until I’m gone and she decides she wants to look. Until that time comes, I have to be careful. I have to be. You know it’s crazy because I’ve sat around each of my family members writing this story, and not one of them even took a glance at this story. If they did, I’d just cover it up. I couldn’t just leave my notebook around; someone might take a look in it. I can’t have that. It’ll ruin everything, and I’ll be stuck in the life in which I never wanted to accustom again. I never saw the day that I’d hate being returning home. That used to be the only thing I ever wanted. That was until I found the Lady Raiders. They were all I had. Everything I ever wanted since eighth grade. You know that was just in August. The Lady Raiders. My dream came true, and then it was gone. I can’t believe I forgot. Well, the plan is to disappear the same way I made it out of Kentucky. It should work. No one can know about it, and I hate it, but I have to act alone. I’ll disappear after school never to be seen again. Like a Ghost…….. Again. Just like the name of this story of mine. I really dread going through this the same way, but I have to do it one more time. Everything I worked for will ride on the moment that I leave. I really hope that all goes well. Except that I always know for a fact that there is some technicality. Something is going to jump off because someone, just one person is going to find out what I’m up to. I’m a great actor, I have discovered, but even great actors forget their lines. That’s some deep stuff huh? I’m so glad that today is Friday that it’s ridiculous. We are out Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday for Mardi gras. Isn’t it great? Well, I guess. I mean I have never really been excited about anything that I can recall. It takes an awful lot to excite me. I bet you can’t believe that, can you? I would go and eat but I’m not really hungry. I learned how not to be hungry when I was in Kentucky. Do not take that how it just sounded. Anyway, my mom is saying a whole lot that’s trying to change my mind. No, she still doesn’t know, it’s just the things that she says. I know I was gone and she missed me a lot, but I learned to forgive and forget. She was doing her thing and I was doing mine, all was well. She decided to come back at the climax of my life. I hate to say it like that, but that’s the way it went. I wasn’t ready to come back home, but my options were limited. If I put a little more thought into what I was doing, things could be different. They’re not now, that’s what makes my decision about leaving so hard. A few things have eased in the way of my plan plotting to steal me away from this decision. All I can say now is that all hope for me is gone. Your girl is a lost cause. I can’t be brought back, because I have already moved on. I’m the girl that let all her insecurities get the best of her, that’s probably how I ended up losing everything I ever wanted. This time, it wasn’t really about the love that I had for a city, or a state, Eventhough I loved the two greatly. The only thing I can honestly say kept me was my undying and unconditional love for basketball. Once upon a time I got a chance for people to watch me grow into the player that I have become. When I was little, I never once saw myself being the person that I am today. I never saw myself being the basketball type, but I am now. Never in my life had I imagined myself planning this moment, but there is a first time for everything. I’m the type of person that believes everything happens for a reason. I follow my heart if it tells me where it thinks I should go. My aunt is home from work. She’s getting ready to drop my brothers and me off at home. After that I’ll probably call it a day. I’m busy Saturday, so I might hit you up on Sunday. Honestly it just depends on what I have going on. You know me well enough now to know what I mean. I’m so glad I found someone that I can talk to. That’s actually kind of funny though, because our friendship is being shared with the entire world. I’ll talk to you soon. Holla.

Well today is Monday. I’m back finally. I never meant to stay gone so long, but I have a life sometimes. Not really, but I just couldn’t get back in time. Today actually is a little bit boring. There is nothing to do, accept go outside really. I need something to do if I want to keep my sanity. I guess I should tell you that my brother is here huh? His name is James. He has gotten so tall. He and I were the best of friends before I left. I mean, we still are now, but it’s just different. He’s almost grown now. He’s seventeen, I’m fourteen. Do you see the difference? I compared what I would gain by leaving, and also the risks of what I would lose. My niece Aaliyah is just getting used to seeing me around, and if I leave, she’ll forget me again. Y mom actually looks happy, and if leave, it’ll all be ruined, she’s complete. I’m questioning myself if I really want to ruin that. Still I feel that what must be understood is that it’ll never be personnel. Even if I’m gone, they still carry me in their spirits as I will in mine. All the pain and anger, I never really let go. I hung on to it. They say that love is all it takes to bring things back together because it’s stronger than anything. I wonder if it’s enough this time. Guilt is what’s questioning me if I should stay or not. Guilt is what’s trying to change my mind. I know that if I don’t do what’s best for me this time, I’ll never truly be as happy as I would like to be. I’ll be living in the shadow of what someone else wanted; something that I rejected as time passed. You know what’s interesting though? No, you don’t duh, but I felt similar to this way when I first moved to Kentucky, but with time, I grew to love it. So do you think that’s what’s missing? Kind of? Sort of? Maybe? Still the thing is I found something far greater than anything that I ever had, is that really what this is mainly about though? What I created? What I loved so much that I put an electrifying fence around it just so I could protect my investment. I had a definite future. I was an eighth grader playing 9th and 10th grade basketball. I was good. Hell, I was great. I got the opportunity to watch the amazing junior Ashley R do her thing on the basketball court. I have one more year to try and learn as much from her as I can before she goes off to one of the many colleges that want her to play for them. I mean this girl is everything that I hope to be. I can’t turn up this offer. I just can’t. The future that I want rides on it. I’ve got way too much to lose for me not to go back. I can’t lose the second life that I created. I can say though, honestly, that a long time ago, I gave basketball in Kentucky my heart, and when I left, I never got it back. I didn’t want it back, and I still don’t. The last thing I want to do is hurt anybody. The only ay I know how not to do that is to leave without anyone knowing about it. That may only make matters worse. So I bought another notebook a little while back and planned my good bye. It explains everything, and how I wanted the fairy tale. I made it clear that I just wanted everyone to just let go, and if they put their trust in me, then I’d come back. There is a strong possibility that I might not come back though. Time is slowly limited. No one knows that this may be the last month that they’ll ever see me again. That’s why I decided to leave so early, because if I became attached, it would make my decision to leave twice as hard. The hardest thing that anyone endures is walking away from their family and moving on, especially without them knowing.

I don’t know, maybe I’m selfish for wanting the things that I want. One explanation explains it though. I’m only human. I guess the time came in my life when I decided that I wanted more. I’m not even complete anymore. I feel like a major portion of me is missing. I’ll never get it back until the life that I forgot about decides to let me go. As miles and miles passed the moment I left when I was eleven, I thought about everything that I had been through, and as time slowly sank in, it all began to erase into the past. I knew that it would be in my heart forever, that’s why I let it go; and I never looked back. I’m glad I did it. For three years the life I forgot about did its thing, and now it was sick of doing it alone. It’s nothing personnel, I just found what suited me. I found what made me happy. Leaving it the first time tore me up inside, second time broke me down the third time shredded my heart into pieces. The fourth time, well I hope it won’t get that serious. For the first time in my life I’m actually going after something that I want to pursue. I have no regrets about it. It’s the best thing I ever did. Leaving Kentucky for the last time as the miles went pass was a completely different story. Everything I had been through in Kentucky didn’t erase like it had when I left Mobile, Alabama. It tried it’s hardest to stay in my heart. That’s why I’m leaving the life that I forgot about for the one that I created. If that makes me selfish, then I have to be selfish because I let the love of my life slip through my finger tips. I’m not letting something I love get away again. I learned how that feels, and I don’t want to feel like that anymore. I only want what’s best for me; and what the life I forgot thinks is best for me, and what I think is best for me may be two completely different things. You want to know another dark secret of mine. A very dark secret I’ve had since I was about nine. That’s too bad because I can’t tell you. I know that we are the greatest of friends and all, but this is personnel. I bet you want to know why I even brought it up. I will give you a hint though; it fell into effect when I was twelve all the way until now. I guess that I just hide it really well. It never went away. Maybe this secret is the reason I am the way that I am. One day, I’ll think about sharing it with you, if you stick around. I never really had a friend that I could tell all my secrets. No one has really gotten close to me enough for me to just tell them everything about me. I guess I could tell you what happened to me earlier today. This boy that lives next door to me tried to talk to me. I was playing football with my older brother and I caught him in the backyard telling me to come here. I told him no. from his reaction I don’t really think that he was expecting me to say no. I know you’re wondering why I said no, well if he wanted my attention that bad, he’d try it again. Maybe he’d get lucky. I don’t know. Is he cute? He was okay. Not exactly my type, but he was okay. That was the end of that. I went on with my day. Now let’s zoom back to now. Well, that’s my mom calling me. Fat Tuesday is tomorrow, only the biggest parade ever, and I guess she wants to do my hair or something. I guess I’ll talk to you when the parade ends. I promise to let you know how it goes. Too bad you can’t go huh?

Hey again. Today is fat Tuesday. I know I told you I may not be able to talk to you today, but I changed my mind about going to the parade. My older brother was over until Wednesday because he didn’t have to go to work. He decided he didn’t want to go, so I didn’t go either. Instead of going to the parade, we hung out like we used to. We played catch with my little brothers football all day. That was the most time he and I had spent together in years. It was just like old times. The life I forgot about was trying extremely hard to recreate itself, and I didn’t like it. It’s too late to apologize for the mistakes that it made when I was with it. I let it go. It was still trying desperately hard to hold on to me though. Everytime I had to leave it, something kept pulling me back, telling me I need it in my life. Everytime I try to go, something kept telling me that, me that, my timing was all wrong. It’s gonna have to be, cuz this life’s not for me. My heart told me to go, that’s why I’m going. I enjoyed just visiting home, and staying in Kentucky at the same time. I guess my dad just got stengie. I wonder what returning home to my mother after the many years that I’ll be gone will be like. I wonder what things will be like if I ever see her again after this. What will I say? What will be my excuse? I don’t want to hurt her, but I know that I will. She’s the only special woman in my life. She’s everything to me, but I have to let her go again. I had already done that once. I have a safe and secure place for her in my heart. That’s where she’s going to have to lie. That’s why I smiled in those pictures that I took at the mall. I didn’t want her not to have pictures of me. I realize that the gleam in her eye she used to have returned because her babies are at home. After I go, she’ll still have two, it’s only going to be me leaving this time. Wow, a few years ago I hated the thought of my dad. Now I realize that his three kids are all he really had left. I guess I understand that a little now. I realize the mistake I made. Eventhough he’ll never have three again, one is better than none the last time I checked. I’m the only kid he has left that wants anything to do with him I’m the only one that wants to come back. In some ways my decision to come back was bigger than him. I left my life in that house. I left my soul. That was a mistake, and I realize that. For me it’s about what’s in Kentucky. My future is in Kentucky. It’s somewhat about who is in Kentucky as well. What is bigger than who this time. In a while I’ll be fifteen. No one in Mobile Alabama knows me as “Bama” when I was a sixth grader. No one knows me as the basketball player in seventh grade that stayed in the papers. They don’t even know the player that I became the first time I played basketball. I became that person out of state, now the life that I forgot about is attempting to erase that person. I will not allow it. Kentucky is where I want to be now. Mobile Alabama is ancient history. It’s trying to rewrite our history, but what it doesn’t realize is that it can’t be done. It’s over because I won’t let it pick up a pen and start all over. When I leave it’ll be a long time before I decide to even think about coming back.

I still haven’t made contact with my dads EX girlfriend for the second time. When school ends Thursday, I’m going over my aunt’s house to see if she got her phone back on. I have to contact her and let her know what I am trying to do before I get transferred to another school. My mom is already trying to move into another house. That’ll kill the connection that I contain to a phone that has long distance on it. So I really hope that by Thursday, my aunt has her phone back on. It has to happen at school. That’s the only way that I know how to do it. I could just simply talk to my family and let them know how I feel. I could do that. Are you crazy? No I couldn’t. You don’t know my family. If they knew about what I was up to, they’d be mad. They just got back. They’re not letting me go. Not again. That’s why I’m arranging it to where they don’t have to. I’m making the decision for them. I fell in love with the life that I created. The life my mom helped me to create and I’m not turning back from it. I’m not starting all over again. I’m going to pick up where I stopped. At least I’m going to try my best to do that. Things will never be the same if I stay where I am now. I have to go, my future awaits me. I will honestly say that when I went outside, I was looking for the boy next door. I don’t know why though. I saw him leave. It dawned on me that he was going to the parade. Uh duh! That was the last time that I thought about him. Today that is though. Well it’s Tuesday night. My two brothers and sister are back from the parade, and they have so much candy that it’s insane. I don’t regret not going. I’m actually glad that I didn’t. I don’t even like parades as much as I used to. I guess that once I left, everything about me changed. I would never be the same person. I changed. I wonder if it was for the better, or the worse. I guess I’ll find out how, won’t I? Thursday is trying to get here really slowly. I don’t even know why I’m worried about it so much, as far as I know; my aunt’s phone might not even be on. I’m getting more and more nervous as days pass about my decision, but shouldn’t I be? At times I’m calm about it because all I really see sometimes is what I want, I never see what anyone else wants sometimes, and how leaving again will hurt them. Sometimes I never really care, and other times, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be torn n between two worlds again. If I’m back here longer than I want to be, it’ll get really difficult. It’ll be even more difficult than it’s becoming already. I never wanted to come back, but I came. I risked my happiness for a life that I no longer wanted. I don’t know why I came back, after I did, I realized what I had done I wondered how I would turn back. I found a way out. Now all that my ride had to do was get here. I hope that you’re not sad about me coming to you about this leaving mess. We will always be friends. Just because I’ll be gone won’t change anything. We will still talk. I promise. I’ll be there, and you’ll be left here, I just hope that you are okay with that. I don’t want you to think that I’m abandoning you, because that’s not what this is. I just wanted the same thing that my heart wanted, and together we were sure never sure if I was going to turn back. Our decision is still pending. I don’t know if we’ll ever issue out a decision. I guess that Eventhough no one likes the good bye part, that’s just the way it is. I’ll never understand it. All I can say is, maybe one day. Well, this conversation must come to a close, this is all that really went on today, so until next time. Or simply…….until tomorrow.

Until tomorrow This is where I’ll be Until the life I forgot Decides to set me free Until tomorrow I’ll exceed my plan And hope that everyone understands the best they can

Well, it’s Wednesday, February the 6th. Fat Tuesday is officially over. It’s a very beautiful day outside. I thin that not going benefited me a lot. It gave me an extra memory to spend with my mother before I take off again. I just know that when I leave, she is going to try her best not to hate me for it. I don’t know if she’ll take it though. I just hope that she doesn’t cry too long, and face the fact that I’ll be gone. She’ll never let me go because a bond between a mother and daughter can never just be broken. That’s just the way that it is. Nothing in the world can change that. No matter how far away from eachother we ever get, what she is t me won’t ever change.

So what happened today in a nutshell basically? Well something interesting did happen today that I guess I could tell you about. Well early in the morning at around maybe ten headed towards eleven o’ clock. I was still thinking about the boy next door that I claim is just so unattractive. He is though, that’s why I don’t understand my reason for thinking about him. I must have gone to take out the trash maybe four times. His house is maybe four feet away from mine so I just knew that he would see me. The first three times he didn’t see me, but the fourth time, I guess that he heard me because I got loud on the side of my house. After I took the trash out, my niece Aaliyah was outside. She’s like three. She is a little devil too. She hates me. The things I do for love. I took Aaliyah to the backyard, and the boy from next door had stuck his head out of his door. I guess he didn’t want to look out the window at me anymore. I don’t know. He asked me what had happened. I guess he was referring to the other day when he asked me to come here and I told him no. Was he crazy though? My mom was in the kitchen, and I was right by the window. He was bold as hell. I can’t believe he had the guts to even do that. He asked me was I going to talk to him, and I was like I don’t know. He said, “Oh, you don’t know?” Then he asked me if I was still a virgin. I was like yeah. I didn’t have anything to hide anyway. He asked so I told him. He asked me if I was going to let him break it. I told him no, plus I didn’t know him. I’m only fourteen so I’m not stupid. I knew better. He then said he had been trying to get to know me. I told him in order to get to know me; he had to come outside to do that. The last thing he asked me was could he call. I paused and told him I would call him so he gave me his number. He tried to convince me to come over to his side, but my niece had disappeared which gave me a reason to get out of what he was trying to get me into. I took of and didn’t come back. Aaliyah and I went in the house for a while and saw that my sister was still in the house cleaning up. She told me and Aaliyah that if we kept her company, then she would come outside. I didn’t want to but Aaliyah did, and we eventually wound up helping. Time went by quicker that way. Before I made it outside, the boy next door I saw was sitting on his porch staring at me. I said, “You still haven’t told me your name.” that’s when he said, “I’m Damien.” My sister then came outside with my niece Aaliyah, and he told me from his house that he would be back. I said OK. Io didn’t care if he never came back, but maybe that’s just what I’m telling you. Who knows? After he got done talking to his friends, we played catch for a minute. Then while my sister and niece were on the porch, he gave me a, “Meet me in the backyard look.” I can’t believe that I actually did it. I told my sister that I had to use the bathroom giving me an alibi as to where I would be. She told me to tell her what time it was and to turn off the microwave. Okay, now, the kitchen was way in the back of my house, which has a door that leads to the back porch, so if anyone called me, I wasn’t going to hear it. I stepped on the porch while I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone was coming. I closed the backdoor, and for a second I waited. Then I saw him on the back of his porch. He got off his phone and told me to come over to where he was, so I did. Accept I didn’t know how to get over to where he was without going to the front and being seen. He pointed to the opening in the middle of the gate on the side of his house. I went on through the gate. He opened his backdoor and told me that I could come in, so I went in, knowing that in about five minutes my sister would be hunting for me. I looked around. His house was pretty on the outside, but junky inside. I knew what he wanted before I walked in. I wasn’t stupid. He opened his room door, and I walked in. it was small. I stood a few steps away from the door once I was in his room while I had my back turned. He locked his bedroom door. He was so touchy really. He kept putting his hands on my backside, but what he was trying to do to me, I of course told him no. I wasn’t like that. I especially wasn’t other girls. That was the difference. He seemed like the type that always got what he wanted, but I shut him down. He wanted to squeeze on my butt and kiss on my neck. It felt so nasty. The neck thing. He kept rubbing his hands up my shorts, and I had to keep pushing them back down. He tried this one other thing that I’m not going to say, but when he did that’s when I told him that I had to go. I opened the back door to his house, but I didn’t leave. We talked for a while about simple stuff I guess. I told him that I wanted to know him, and he respected that a little bit. He had some obsession with my hips. He kept grabbing them, and wanted to smack on my butt al the time. Though I didn’t know him really well, I let him get away with a few things, except the ones I thought were extreme. So now that you know I’ve done something completely below my standards and expectations, what do you think of me now? I made him peek out of his door to see if anyone I knew was outside. When the coast was clear, I snuck back to my side. Why did I go over there, I can’t really answer. I was just curious, because something of the sort had never happened to me before. I knew my sister was going to be looking for me. I wasn’t stupid. I know a little about the way that she thinks. She knew I was gone too long. She looked for me everywhere, so I couldn’t lie. She got it out of me. She even knew where I had disappeared to. I could only laugh really, because she was right, and she knew that. She said her, my mom, and Aaliyah was looking for me to. I was no where but next door, but couldn’t tell my mom that crap. So me and my sister came up with a story that we were playing hide and seek. It worked like a charm. She didn’t suspect a thing. The next time I sneak over his house, I better be a little bit more careful.

Well hey. It’s Thursday the 8th. Our what, two day break has ended. So you do know what that means right? Everytime I go to school now, a part of me slowly dies. Everyday what I created slowly disappeared or an attempt to is made at least. I’m back where I started and I can honestly say that it hurts. I never saw the day that I’d be back here. The thing is though, that I’m here. I just came to a conclusion about what I could do about it. As days slowly pass, I realize, and I know now, that this is going to become more difficult then it’s already becoming. The hardest part always seems to be letting go. I believe I found a reason for that being. Once you grow attached to something new, of which you accustomed. I let myself become so used to what I became used to; so much that when the life I forgot about came back for me, I rejected it. I rejected it because after three years, I was still mad because it let me go. Now that I got it back, all that I can think about is breaking its heart, because that’s what it did to me. In ways, I am somewhat happy, because if it wouldn’t have let me go, I would have never experienced everything I have. So far that it go pity points; but just of them to make me love it as much as I once did. I always knew that the day this moment came I would never be glad, but no… a certain series of events changed my mind. My life basically. After three years what I forgot decided it still wanted me, so I came back, Eventhough I didn’t want it. I am only sticking around long enough to make it happy; until I called upon time, for the first time in my life to save me. It was all that I ever wanted, the life that I created, and I let it go to take maybe a million steps back. As I sit, and think, and think, and ponder… I wonder what passed me to do it. I don’t know. Guilt maybe? Is it just an impulse? Which one? Do you have any idea? It’ll never be like it was, no amount of time can ever bring that back. I thought I knew that. Maybe three years ago, you didn’t know, I understand that. I know where you’re coming from. It’s just that as I pictured the past in my head, I hated it. So I stopped thinking about it. That’s why I know I’ll never feel the same way that I felt about it. Sometimes I just find a place by myself and just cry. It gives me time to just think about things. I feel like I have to hide the way that I feel to please others, and I forget about me. Doing that is putting me in a position that I don’t want to be in. coming back here was kind of my decision. I don’t know why I even did it. I only know that I have to live with the consequences of my decisions and deal with it. In some ways I know that I am a coward because I’m trying to run away from my problems. I don’t think that talking it out could possibly benefit me any, because that’s not the type of person I am. I’ll never just tell you, because that would just ruin the fun. You have to know my strengths and weaknesses. You have to know what makes me sad. You have to know everything. You should know me well enough to know at least that much. You may not know it yet, but you really should. We’ve been through a lot together. It’s been a longtime since you and I have even seen eachother, so I don’t expect you to remember just yet. When the time approaches, you’ll understand why you and I are such great friends. Until that time comes, you’re you, and I’m me. Understood?

Anyway, I don’t want to run away, except I can’t take the life that I forgot about back. It’ll just be like déjÃ vu all over again. I’m going to hurt a lot of people, but I can’t think about that right now, because if I do, I won’t be able to go through with it. It is no longer important to me anymore because I erased it. A long time ago I faced what I had to face, and I got over it. I let it all go because in that moment in time, what other choice did I have? My options were slim to none. Now that it’s back in my life, things seem so different. Nothing is the same as I remember. It’ll never be the same. I knew that the hands of time would never be able to alternate, because like I said, a long time ago… we all make mistakes. Why? Well, because that’s what humans do. I only know though that it is too late for me now. It’s too late to try and bring me back, because I was gone three years ago, and to come back, I would never. I knew that, and so did you. You and I had no choice but to understand. You and I still sort of haven’t officially met yet. I just know you really well. Never in my life would I have thought that I would be sitting here talking to you. I thought for sure that I would never see you again. I guess that I was wrong. I bet you want to know how my day went, now don’t you? Nothing big happened. School was school. You know what that means right? It was hell as usual, just above ground. I got over it, I always do. There was nothing else I could do but get over it anyway. I was so glad we only had to go to school two days before the weekend. That would make it a Thursday that we had to go back. I didn’t want to go the entire five anyway, so I was straight. I’m trying to think of what else there is to say about anything else important that happened. I think that is it really. Today was very boring. There’s not much to do, and not much to talk about really. Maybe things will be better tomorrow. What the hell am I saying? Things are never good at Denton Middle School. I wonder what my decision is going to do to my family. The 1st time was devastating enough. Now I’m doing it again; on my own, and without them knowing. That’s messed up right? It is what it is though. Maybe one day you’ll understand. Maybe my family will one day understand, Eventhough I believe that they never will. In my heart I know that one thing is true, and that thing is that I know they will never forgive me for it. They’ll never live this down, I just know it, and I haven’t even left yet. Still I can tell by the happiness in their eyes, and their voices that key me in that leaving is going to hurt them greatly, but I can’t change that. I can’t change what was created for me, and what the life I forgot about is trying to make me forget. I won’t let that happen. In life sometimes, people are meant to have certain things. Sometimes we’re meant to love and lose some things as we go along. Although we may not like it or agree with the decisions that time…. Or simply life plans out for us, but we have to deal with it. I’m going to say goodbye for a moment, and leave you with this. …. I fed off what you left behind and became powerful. Remember me now? You should be getting really close by now. No? I’ll holla at you later. A few years ago, that sounded like something you would have said. Who am I? No not yet. I bet you’re wondering how I know everything about you. Well. .. Whoops, I have to run.

It’s Friday, I’m so glad. It came so quick to. That’s what I like about it actually. I was so ready for the weekend too, so for at least two days, I could get away from that terrible school. Maybe it’s the people that go there that I don’t like. Who really knows? You can never really tell with me. I wonder what makes it so hateable to me. Don’t correct me, that is so a word. Anyway, school was iite. That’s the best that will come out of me about that school. I come to class, I sit down and listen. I’m how teachers dream that their entire class could act. That’s flattering. Oh whatever. Nothing excites me, flatters me, nothing. That’s not too hard to believe is it? I’ve just got to tell you about this dream I had last night. I can’t believe I actually remember it, but I dreamt that I was back in Kentucky. Everything was perfect and very normal, on top of that, I still had basketball. I still had my team. My dream was actually in little captions. At one moment I saw one thing, then the next minute I saw something else. I saw the proud look on the Varsity Coaches face when I didn’t let anyone score in the paint. I made almost every girl on the court look bad. I had so much fun that game. I saw the moment that we as a team shared on the bus after the tournament, and the practice that I jumped off the ground, and on Jesse F’s shoulders, and she is just as tall as me. It was the craziest thing I had ever done. Being on her shoulders, I knew she was in pain because I know that I am a very heavy person. It was crazy because while I was in the air I didn’t scream, I was too shocked to even do that. When we fell down it was like the Matrix because we fell down so slow. When she finally dropped me, I was out of breath. That fall knocked everything I had out of me. When I jumped up that high everybody in the gym got really quiet. Nobody knew what to say, but everybody on the team laughed. It was very funny. The Coaches were blowed too. Coach Anderson smiled, Coach Bonds laughed, and Coach T made a joke about it. She leaned over when I walked past her and said, “Shaunice, could you jump on my shoulders?” I was like, “Oh, you got me.” That’s what I said in my mind, I wouldn’t dare speak loud enough to be heard. I have had that dream so many nights, and when I’m awake, I knew the moment that we had our first game I wouldn’t play in it. That’s why when we had try outs in October, I knew that I made the team before I tried out, but the decision was still very hard. I still followed my heart. I chose the team that I thought would benefit me best. I still lingered on playing for eighth grade, but my chance for that payback would come again when I was a real freshman. Not too long I got to play J-V. I was so happy. See, I had a life. I had everything going for me, and I ran out on it. That’s why I plan on coming back and making up for lost time. I have already missed out on so much. Ya gurl Ladericka got to dress varsity. I was so happy for her when she told me. She really deserved it. My 2007-08 was single handedly stolen away from me. I pursued the life that I wanted to have it disappear. That was never my plan. That doesn’t change the fact that that is still what happened in the end. You never actually ask for things to be taken that are, but it happens. I didn’t know that losing it would hurt so bad though. Maybe I lost it because I thought that it would stick with me no matter what, but it wasn’t. I can only say that I made a terrible mistake; and if I could turn back I would. I lost my entire basketball season to come home and not play for the rest of the year. That’s not what I expected to happen, but life never goes how you expect it. The only explanation is to figure it out on your own. I still can’t lose it now. It’s important to me. To sit and just say that I had it will never be good enough for me. So I’m holding on until I am ready to let go, and I’m not so I have to leave. I feel like if I am making a mistake, then I have to make it. I guess I just have to come back on my own, and that’s if I decide to. If I don’t, then so be it. Get over it. Let me go, that’s what I want you to do. You may not like it much, except you have no choice but to deal with it. That’s how I feel. You hurt me, now it’s my turn to return the favor by switching the roles on you. Honestly, not intentionally, but for the simple fact that my dream got taken. Basketball was all I had besides my poetry. Maybe the relationship that basketball and I shared was simply infatuation, and maybe that’s all that it will ever be. I gave it everything that my heart contained, remember that’s just an expression. I loved and I lost in the same month. It hurt. All that I ever wanted was what I had, and because I’m incomplete without it in my life, I have to get it back. I can’t turn back now, because I have come way too far. I have been through far too much to just give up. I hate to lose it, because it’s not my style. Somebody taught me that. The memory of it all will never go away, because I’m not letting it go. I’m coming back for it with a vengeance to do all the things I should have done; and with no regrets. Just being around everyone on the team made me realize that I can’t lose them. Not yet. I felt a part of something. I felt like part of a team. Something beyond amazing. It was, and then it wasn’t. When that happens, all that can be done is for you to get over it. That’s the only option. What happens if you don’t really like that option though? You are supposed to do something about it. I thought that coming home was the only thing in life that I ever wanted, but now that I have it, it’s significance has vanished. I no longer see a point for my history to be repeated; especially when I don’t want it to be. Basketball was everything to me, not that I’ll stop playing, because I won’t. It’s just for the simple fact that I realized whet life gives to you, it can be taken away just as fast. How did I forget that? It was never my intention. It seems that when you forget about things, they have their way of reminding you that they are still around and won’t be going anywhere anytime soon. All I wanted was just one season, and I couldn’t even get that. Maybe that’s what’s making me hunger for it even more. I think that if I had gotten it, it would have changed things in some kind of way, but who really knows for sure. We don’t. The reason in which certain things occur may never really be understood. You can have your own interpretation of it, but there is really never an accurate answer. I really hate the way that things are now. I never in a million years tho

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