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The Torment Begins

In a realistic world. Someone gets into BDSM ( Bondage, Discipline, Dominate, Submissive, Sadism, Masochism ) through a “normal” channel. This channel being curiosity. You get into the world of, what our kind calls, vanilla sex. Something very plain and simple which is what most people are given for the first year or so of their sex life. After that someone might scratch or even bite you, making you more curious about things a little more intense. For most people this is the “normal” route to BDSM. My story is quite far off from that.

When I was fourteen I found myself in a relationship with someone three and a half years older than me. At fourteen I was young, dumb and lovestruck. This all ended very quickly when I was faced with the choice of losing my virginity. I figured that since he was my boyfriend I wouldn’t be forced into anything I wasn’t willing to do. But boy was I wrong. A few weeks into this relationship I was raped by my boyfriend, I was beaten, I was forced to do things I didn’t even know existed. He was controlling, rough and abusive. I was given rules for everything, who I could talk to, what I could wear, what I could eat. He controlled everything about my life. Finally I got the courage to end it. But even still it left behind a tormented soul.

I now have to try to explain to the boys I date my sexual preferences. Which is very difficult where I live. Sex lives are kept in private, and if it does get out that you are into being dominated they call you a “tormented soul” Something left behind by the devil. I didn’t choose to be this way. I didn’t get the chance to be introduced into my sex life with the “normality’ other people did. I was broken, beaten and shown a side of sex a fourteen year old should never experience.

From this I can’t have a “normal” sex life. Sex is supposed to have an emotional connection. Love, passion, sparks. Mine consists of, whips, handcuffs and blindfolds. I haven’t been able to experience what it is like to have that connection. Yes, the man I am with now I love to death. I would take a bullet for Mike. But when it comes to our sex life I feel like I’m just going through the motions, I won’t say I don’t feel love towards him. Isn’t there supposed to be some kind of fireworks? or bells? Is it just me, or are those things fairy-tales? I don’t think I will ever know the answer to that.

I have been having an inner battle the last few days. Mike and I have had a rough few weeks. He doesn’t seem to treat me the way he used to. Just because I am into BDSM doesn’t mean I don’t have a “sappy” side. Like any other woman I crave affection, love and attention. He hasn’t been able to give me that lately with having school all day and working most of the night.

There has been someone picking up what he has been slacking on. Now I don’t know if what I am feeling towards Bernie is because I’m being “ignored” so to speak by Mike. Or if what I am feeling a genuine feeling towards Bernie. Now to complicate things more, Mike and Bernie are friends. I am a faithful woman, I will never cheat on my boyfriend. I have been cheated on many times before and won’t put Mike through the pain of it.

Bernie and I are quite close friends. We are the type of friends to cuddle up in bed together and watch movies, have sleep overs, go on dinner dates. We talk about everything.But lately I won’t lie, yes I have had thoughts about Bernie that I shouldn’t. What it would be like to kiss him, craving his touch, wanting more than I should. He is very different to me, and I don’t know how I feel about it. All I know is it’s a strong feeling that I shouldn’t have towards him.What makes it even more complicated is not only does he have feelings for me, but he is thirty-three and I am nineteen. A fourteen year age gap. Even if I was single this would be a red flag for everyone that knows me.

But in the end I love Mike, I crave Mike. His kiss, his touch, the sound of his voice. When he leaves at night I miss him before he is even gone. I wouldn’t be able to live without him. Mike means the world to me, I would take a bullet for him. Just these thoughts about Bernie have been overrunning my head, I just want to see if its something real or if its a temporary thing.

When Mike and I get everything back to the way we used to be, will I still have these feelings for Bernie?
Will they prove to be product of lack of affection from Mike?
The most important question is, am I unfaithful already for having these thoughts in the first place?