Three In a Bed

Have you ever called out the wrong name in bed? Humiliating. Even the fear of it is uncomfortable. You have to hope that your last lover was named something like “Todd” so you can say, “No, no, I was saying Oh GOD!”

Unless you and your lover have agreed to experiment, there should only be the two of you in bed. The last thing you need in bed with your lover is Todd. Or even God, for that matter.

But even if you manage to hold your tongue during lovemaking (insert tacky oral puns here), it’s naïve to think that there are only two in bed.

Any relationship, sexual or not, is full of the ghosts of relationships past. Did your last lover like a certain technique with your tongue? Bet you try it with your new love. Was your last lover abusive? The slightest raised tone from your new partner may trigger panic.

So, the truth is that there are never only two people in a bed. There is a line of ex-lovers and family members, all cheerfully renting space inside your heads and your bed.

The only way to deal with it is to acknowledge the ghosts and move on.

Not to say you should belabor past relationships. I had one friend who broke up with a guy because he kept telling her how inadequate his ex was in bed. She felt no sisterhood for the ex, but she worried that she was going to be her lover’s next sad story.

But you need to acknowledge that your emotions, your techniques, even, yes, the name you call out in ecstasy, are all shaped by other lovers. So maybe you should look for lovers named Todd. Or Kate.