Triumph Attends Trump’s Inauguration

CONAN Highlight: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog poops all over the new administration and its supporters.

TranscriptTRIUMPH: Inauguration day in Washington, D.C. is often bitter cold.
But this is the first year that it's also freezing in hell.
Yes, today, Donald Trump would be sworn in and on Monday he would move into the White House, continuing his long tradition of evicting black families.
Here by the nation's capitol, it's gray and overcast.
Yes, the sun just one more of the many big stars that refused to show up for this event.
Look at this inspiring mass of overweight, overage predominantly white humanity.
Nothing but Roseanne’s and Fieri’s as far as the eye could see.
Yes, if a Walmart could vomit this is what it would come out.
It's like a pickup joint for seniors.
Last time I saw this much white hair, Madonna was getting out of a limo without panties.
As you can see, there's incredible secret service and police presence.
It takes a lot of people to make sure that Melania doesn't run away.
Did you see her, those naked pictures of her?
>> No, I did not.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Let's just say they should call her Laura no-Bush.
Because she shaves her -- interestingly, Donald Trump has such a bad reputation with women, even the bible he's supposed to put his hand on has just filed restraining order.
I want to make some money off these idiots.
Here we go.
Who needs tickets?
I have a couple in the anti-semitic section but I think I can get you an upgrade into the anti-Muslim section.
>> Perfect, yeah.
>> There we see former president Bill Clinton here.
Bill Clinton, a stark reminder of a more dignified, genteel administration, when vaginas were probed by cigar, not by hand.
Now coming up, the Trump sons.
Also known as the less motivated Menéndez Brothers.
What do you do for fun besides drawing devil horns on Nancy Pelosi?
Hola?
You're a Latino for Trump.
Let me ask you in Spanish out of respect [speaking in Spanish]
I have a lot of respect for Donald Trump.
The only difference is the hand up my ass isn't Vladimir Putin.
Because he's a puppet.
Of course, many of Trump's supporters have a preexisting mental condition.
Get rid of this health care crap [beep], right?
Obamacare.
As the owner of a small business it must have killed you.
You probably were forced to lay off so many of the employees in your meth lab.
I'm selling a life-sized replica of the bible Donald Trump is being sworn in on.
Put your hand next to it.
See how it makes your hand look big?
Have another hand.
Let's update the slogans, OK?
That's for you.
America gonna great yes.
And then for you, it's home of the brave, not homo of the butt-rave and for you, of course, hey, bitch, bring me a Coors.
And right here, enjoy, sir.
I have no idea what's going on.
Check it out.
Right now, I'm here -- here talking to these guys.
They call themselves bikers for Trump.
>> That's right.
>> Yes, and I'm going to take a wild guess that those aren't exercise bikes.
OK, sir.
Can you tell me why you voted for Trump in three hateful worlds or less?
>> I am tired of Obama.
>> Mike Pence will take the vice presidential oath of office, administered by Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, in what will be the closest Pence has ever stood to a black man.
>> Look at our vice president, he is amazing.
>> Honestly, Mike Pence is so uptight, he has to take a roofie to masturbate.
They aren't as lame so this is going to take a second.
Liberals and conservatives disagree on so much.
We all agree on Betty White, right?
Wouldn't you say that Betty White rules?
Would you repeat that?
>> Betty White rules.
>> Thank you very much.
Say it.
>> Betty White rules.
>> White rules.
>> White forever.
>> White forever.
>> White is the best.
>> White is the best.
>> White power.
>> For MSNBC, this is Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog.
Donald Trump being sworn in as president.
Right now millions of Americans are peeing in their pants.
Ironically this only serves to strengthen Trump's erection.
>> The 45th president of the United States of America, Donald J. Trump.
[cheers]
President Trump: this American carnage stops right here and stops right now.
>> What a powerful speech it was.
You liked it?
>> It was fantastic.
>> I loved the reference to F.D.R. when Trump declared the only thing we have to fear is fear itself and also Muslims, Mexicans, most of the Middle East.
BuzzFeed, Access Hollywood.
Chem trails.
Left handed people.
Undercover cops posing as hookers.
Germs, snakes, "Saturday Night Live" and back-stabbing Bruce Springsteen cover bands.
The parade is ramping up.
I wanted people on both sides to come together and have an intelligent conversation about the next four years.
Will it be foreign policy or the economy that will take priority in president Trump's --
[retching]
Oh, gold.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Just not used to saying it.
You know, it's the first day.
It takes a little getting used to.
So we're fine.
We're fine.
Given the problems that have already happened with Taiwan, will foreign policy be president Trump's --
[retching]
OK, surely one of you has an opinion on this we're talking about the first 100 days.
Anybody?
>> I think he was elected because of the economy but --
>> OK, fair enough.
>> But ironically, president Trump --
[retching]
OK, we get it.
I get it.
OK, I get it!
All right.
Interesting food for thought.
Let's all be positive and look forward to the next four years with president tru --
[retching]
Ahhh!
[APPLAUSE]