Liturgical Dancer Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Drugs

It is being reported this morning that world-renowned liturgical dancer Doris Griffin has tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs.

A USCCB spokesman said that trace amounts of an illegal substance were found in Griffin’s blood early Monday morning. This comes just days after reports that Griffin’s trainer, Jake Stately, admitted that he had not only injected Griffin before “numerous Masses,” but that he also had one of the syringes used on the 56-year-old dancer.

Griffin, who is best known for her treatise on liturgical dancing, The Art Of Body Worship, told EOTT that the drug found in her system may have been the result of an over-the-counter weight loss medicine that she had recently started taking. Meanwhile, friends of Griffin have come to her defense saying that, though she had recently been under a grueling schedule, that the liturgical dancing phenomena would never resort to injecting.

“The Lord has just blessed her body with such a rhythm–such an ability to properly express the proper flow of worship as to ever need any drugs,” a friend of Griffin said.

The USCCB Commission for Mass Doping, meanwhile, say that they will be suspending Griffin from participating in all Masses where dancing is involved until they have concluded their investigation. For now, Ms. Griffin will only have access to the Tridentine Low Mass.”