My personal truth about marriage and motherhood

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“Calgon Take Me Away!!!!”

If you grew up in the 80’s and remember those cheesy Calgon commercials with the woman in a bubble bath saying “Calgon… Take me away!”, then you understand the humor of that phrase. However, a gallon of that crap wouldn’t be enough for me at this point. I haven’t blogged since Q turned 3. Mostly because I feel like the highs and lows were typical of any kid so it really wasn’t anything to write/vent about. I don’t know if it’s the holidays, a surge in testosterone (can that happen to 3 year olds??) or what but either way, I’m am now the proud (I say that with the utmost sarcastic tone) parent of an aggressive/EMO 3 year old.

Since Q turned 1, I have to remind myself daily how old he truly is. But the problem is he’s a sponge and remembers everything. I really hope this translates one day to homework when he has to study for a test – a gift his father and I never possessed. The other day we were driving in the car and he goes, “Dad (“Daddy” and “Mommy” have left the building so it’s now “Dad” and “Mom”), can we go to a Redhawks game?” Jared reminded him that it was winter and they only play baseball in the summer. He responded with, “Like last time when we went to a game and then it got really late so we stopped and got tacos for dinner?” – Um… I can’t even remember what I ate yesterday and the kid remembers those kind of details at 3. Nothing gets passed him. If we say something under our breath he will ask, “What did you say?” If we say, “Nothing” his response is, “Well you said something…” What happened to harmless child manipulation? Honestly.

Calgon… take me away!

We are trying to teach Q around the holidays that he has a lot to be thankful for. We did our annual “go through your toys and find things to give to others” game which he actually did ok with. Our fail was implementing Elf on the Shelf – I don’t know why we ever thought we could get away with this. So the first day we introduced “him” (it’s really a “her”… details) Q named him “Wilbur” – I don’t know. We read him the book that tells you how your elf flies away to tell Santa at night how you’re doing. Morning 1 we put him in a bowl holding a spoon by a cereal box. I told Q Wilbur was hungry. His response? Grabs the spoon and tells him, “THAT’S MINE!” I told him that we have to be nice to Wilbur because he goes and tells Santa if he’s been good or bad. Q says, “He can’t even talk!” Fail. I put Wilbur back on the mantle and said, “He’s watching you… (to best honest, it’s super creepy if you really think about it)” and I hear Q mumble under his breath “What are you looking at?!” He clearly doesn’t buy it. The only thing he believes in is Santa. He about lost his marbles last weekend when we were at the mall and he saw Santa’s Village. It was like Will Farrell in “Elf” -> Click Here

Calgon… Take me AWAY!!

Speaking of that mall trip, the kid is now in the embarrassing in public stage. When I said we had to wait for “Dad” to come with us to see Santa he yelled (yes… yelled), “WE CAN GO TWO TIMES!!!!!!” This was followed by him barking while I stood in line at Express. When I told him no one wanted to hear him barking like a dog he said, “Yes they do… she’s smiling at me” and pointed to the girl at the checkout while flashing his pearly white baby teeth. I wanted to die.

But my biggest hurdle right now is that he’s become very aggressive… on the verge of mean. There’s a lot of teeth grinding and making a growling noise when he’s REALLY upset, some hitting (which we’re trying to push an immediate kibosh on… it’s important to note everyone is fair game – cousins, parents, grandparents, friends… it’s a nightmare), A LOT of talking back and throwing fits I thought were reserved for the ages of 1-2. You know… the kind where they lay on the floor and kick their legs? I don’t know how to communicate to him that he’s exhibiting behavior of a 2 year old… or a 16 year old girl depending on the tone of his voice. I thought these violent mood swings were supposed to be during your teenage years – I’d like to hope maybe this means he’s getting it out of his system at an early age but my fear is that this is just a small sampling of what’s to come. Only then there will be braces, bad skin and hormones – Amazing. Can’t wait.

One might argue he needs a sibling. That the affects of being an only child are starting to set in. This might all be true. And I fully admit, it’s not that I don’t WANT a second child. But honestly… in moments like these, it gives me hives thinking of having to deal with this plus a baby. Yup. I said it. Maybe we could just adopt a 10 year old. Fully trained with good manners. Done and done.

CALGON…. TAKE ME AWAY!!!!!!!!!

On that note, I truly am thankful for that little you know what this holiday season. He’s a challenge and has literally given me grey hairs and almost put me in the hospital for heart failure but it’s the moments where he hugs you and says, “I love you… you’re my best-friend!” that make it all worth it. I hope this finds everyone happy and healthy this holiday season. Take a minute to tell your family and friends how much you love them and remember what this holiday season is TRULY about!