June 6, 2017

SAN FRANCISCO - In response to a growing number of customers who seemed to have forgotten their place, version control giant GitHub executed several total system takedowns early this week in an effort to remind various companies using their platform who's running the show. The handful of outages lasted roughly 15 minutes each, and were reportedly exceptionally effective in helping rebellious clients to remember their utter subordination to GitHub's offerings.

The effects of disabling their APIs and various other web interfaces immediately sent shockwaves through the tech world as scores of companies suddenly became acutely aware of their total dependence on GitHub to operate at all. Code review, bug tracking, and continuous integration workers for countless startups all abruptly came to an ass-grinding halt as a result of the vendor's decision to demonstrate to everyone who the big cheese really is.

Following restoration of services late Tuesday evening after GitHub felt they got their point across, affected CTOs and engineering managers across the country were reportedly busy scheduling engineering all-hands meetings for Wednesday morning to discuss possible solutions to mitigate their company's total technical servility. At press time, it appeared that these meetings would be replete with foolish or impractical version control workarounds that ultimately would amount to nothing.