Professor Real has just left. I don’t know what he gave me, but everything went blurry, and then I started seeing two blurinesses. I don’t even know if that’s a word. He told me he had knocked it up in his lab last night. At first I thought he was talking about that blonde barmaid from The Whippet Inn down the road. I’m telling you, that girl opens more than a toll gate. But then it turned out that while trying to synthesise a direct cross between PCP and heroin, he accidentally synthesised a direct cross between LSD and ecstacy. He pressed it up into little pills on his HomePowderPillPress (c) and called them “Candys”. When he said to me did I want any Candys, I thought he had gone all American for a minute and was having a bit of a plural nightmare, so took a handful of the little mints he was holding out. I only realised my mistake when I took a bite into a mouthful of them, and instead of a refreshing mint treat, my mouth was flooded with the most bitter powder I have ever tasted. And I’ve tasted a few. As I gagged the Professor told me, with his right hand covering his eyes, almost in disbelief at what he was about to tell me, that it was also designed to be fast absorbing and even faster acting.

That was the last thing I remember, until coming round and looking at the clock. Old Pro’ was there, in the chair opposite, eating some of Mrs Muck’s fish pie, that had been in the fridge waiting to be my dinner. He looked up as I groaned, and asked me if I’d had a good trip. I told him that I had only been “gone” for an hour, as it was two o’ clock, but it had felt much much longer. I felt like I had been gone for days. The professor laughed, and told me that I had only actually been gone for only one day. 25 hours to be exact. Apparently just after telling me it was fast absorbing and fast acting, he had added that it was also long lasting. It turned out now is tomorrow.

Luckily Mrs Muck stayed at her sister’s last night, and didn’t witness the devastation that Professor Real described to me had ensued. If she had, it would be a long time before I tasted Mrs Muck’s fish pie again, that’s for sure.

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