3.18.2013

Ask McFartnuggets: "Do You Put Your Toilet Paper Over or Under?" and "How Many Midgets Does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?"

Bidet hose aka "BUM GUN"

Dear McFartnuggets: From my experience, one of the most important things about a person is whether or not they put their toilet paper roll so that it rolls from under rather than over the top. I've ended relationships with people when I've found out they pull their toilet paper over the top. I always set mine to pull under, what about you? -- Dedric from St. Paul, Minn.

Dear Dedric: I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. Over and under? When I buy a toilet paper roll the first thing I do is take all of it off the roll and put it into a black garbage bag that I keep off to the side of the toilet closed off so that no pee pee and poop mist can get onto it. Frankly, I can't imagine any other way. If you're leaving your toilet paper exposed to stray piss vapor and shit dust then you're a sick individual and probably have a lot of diseases that you're not even aware of yet! Thanks for writing in!

Dear McFartnuggets: How many midgets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I'm guessing at least 10 because they'd need to form a human pyramid of some sort. -- Kevin from Tuskaloosa

Dear Kevin: Wow... Uhh. It only takes ONE average "M-word" to screw in a light bulb because they're normal people just like you and me. As long as the little human had a stepstool there shouldn't be a problem. And if there by some chance isn't then he or she would go out to the store and purchase one with human currency NOT GOLD COINS. You know, it's this type of ignorance that makes normal heighted people look like goddamned fools to the dwarven community. All the time you spend laughing with your friends about M-words, don't you think for a second that those same m-words aren't hanging out in the woods laughing their asses right back off at you. You know how awkward and dumb giants look to us? Well that's exactly what you look like to a less than tall individual. So you think about that the next time you think about making a joke about M-words, you ignorant fool!

These people can do anything they set their minds to, A-HOLE!

Send your non-ignorant questions to PizzaTesticles@yahoo.com and remember no matter what your skin color is or how you wipe your ass, we're all brown down there.