Monday, January 31, 2011

Dr. Gordon seemed kind of off today. She seemed tired. She didn't seem to be listening to me all that much. Has this ever happened with any of your therapists? In fact, I could have sworn at a few points she was actually nodding off... either that or she just blinks really slowly. Anyway, I felt jipped when I left the appointment. I mean, my parents pay like two hundred dollars per session out of pocket and I only see her every two weeks. What the hell?

Tomorrow I see Marci, which is good because I've been falling off the wagon today and yesterday. Seeing Marci is a lot like taking Ritalin. You feel empowered and positive for the first three hours after taking it, then it wears off and you forget what it's like to feel happy so you need another Ritalin. I'm not a drug addict. But you see how this makes sense though, right? After I see Marci I'm good for like five days. In fact, usually after I see Marci I forget I have an eating disorder at all because she's given me all these pearls of wisdom and awesome meal plan tips so I'm like hoooray! I'll never binge again! Ugh, I hate that. Maybe I should start seeing her twice a week. Although that seems like a bit too often to see one's nutritionist.

I miss riding. If it weren't so freaking cold I'd make a little Saturday trek out to Massachusetts no-man's next weekend and spend some quality time with the horses.

I'm bored. Just generally bored. I wish it was fall and I could be back in New York.

Hey you know what I think I'm gonna start doing? At the end of every week I'll report any and all ED behaviors I engaged in- as sort of a tracking system of how my recovery is going. Does this sound like a good idea? Of course I might start getting caught up in technicalities of what constitutes a binge and what counts as restriction so I'll just define them now. Bingeing will mean eating past fullness in an out of control manner, and restriction will mean the voluntary withholding of exchanges despite feeling hungry or knowing that my body needs it. So when I say I binged twice this week that means two separate binge episodes, and when I say I restricted twice this week that means I followed my meal plan except for two exchanges (i.e. maybe I skipped a snack on Monday and a protein at dinner on Tuesday). Hey, not bad.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Does anybody else have a problem with Sundays? I find them mean and spiteful. I'm also angry because I have uterus cramps and I'm semi-bingeing at the moment, at work. I say semi-bingeing because it hasn't really turned in to a full blown, pants-popping binge. In fact, this second frozen yogurt really isn't cutting it for me. The novelty of how good the first one tasted has worn off, and now all I can think about is how I would really rather not be succumbing to the eating disorder. I guess I'll just back out of the behavior now, at least while I'm ahead. After all, I've gone this whole week without bingeing... why ruin it tonight?

My dad is smoking again and I know I'm not being paranoid. Even Jake admitted yesterday while we were driving back from the drug store that I was probably right. We both acknowledged the cigarette stench on his steering wheel, the all-too potent pine tree car freshener hanging from his rear view mirror, and the Altoid tins EVERYWHERE. Plus he never lets us drive his car without surreptitiously running out first and getting rid of the evidence. It makes me want to cry really. I said this to Jake and he just sort of shrugged passively aggressively. "Honestly, I've stopped letting myself care. He's an adult and he can do whatever he wants." I suppose he's right, but I can't just stop letting myself care. How can my father be doing this to himself? He's in his early fifties, he has sleep apnea, high blood pressure, and longevity does not run in the family I'm afraid to say. As someone who also uses maladaptive coping strategies though, what I'm more concerned about are the cognitive roots behind the smoking. Is he stressed at work? Is it money? Is he having problems with my mom? Is it something I did? I'm sure I must be somehow to blame.

It's almost February!! I have so many goals for next month. I'll share them later... maybe on Tuesday since it'll be the first day of February.

Friday, January 28, 2011

I'm watching Titanic with my parents. I don't know what is wrong them. I LOVE THIS MOVIE, but my mom is poking fun at the dialogue every chance she gets and my dad keeps going, "Are you ready to go back to Titanic, Eliza?" In imitation of Bill Paxton. OHMYGOSH the scene where Rose goes down to the third class deck and dances with Jack and she's all like I don't know the steps! And then he says, me neither just go with it and then they dance and then they fall in love and ooooooh gosh it's all so romantic and tragic at the same time.

Aaaaah I’ve been MIA from the blog world for what feels like too long! I think it’s only been a few days though. My laptop has decided to be a little bitch and stop working so I’ve been engaging in all my online activities on other people’s laptops, which isn’t exactly convenient so hence my not being able to blog.

Things have actually been pretty decent around here. I’ve been working a lot, despite the snowstorming and everything. You know, I can’t remember a winter when we had this much snow. I’m kind of scared actually. There’s this old abandoned gas station up by the ice cream store where I work, and since the snowplow doesn’t need to remove the snow there, it’s piled up like four feet high you can’t even see the entrance anymore. I almost died walking to work it was so deep on the sidewalks! I felt like Emmy Rossum In The Day After Tomorrow. Only I’m not skinny and pretty and I don’t think I’ll end up with Jake Gyllenhaal in the end.

Anyway, as I was saying, I've made great leaps this week. I've been following Marci's meal plan more faithfully than I ever have before- no snacks left out, no exchange left behind. This is serious people, I am making real steps to banish the binge eating for GOOD. The real secret to rising above the urges is twofold: First, I still let myself eat frozen yogurt and candy at the store, and just about every day too. Marci says people can still be healthy and eat sweets every day, which I think is awesome so I'm sticking to that notion. My second secret is Jane Austen novels. I've read them all before, but I find reading a book for the second or third time can be almost more rewarding than when you read it the first time. For instance, I am choosing to draw strength from the hidden characteristics in Fanny Price that I never noticed before. If you haven't read Mansfield Park, read it. It is possibly Austen's most undervalued novel. I guess I just feel like I've gotten fed up enough with constantly feeling powerless to overcome the eating disorder. Here's hopeing my efforts pay off, lord knows I've tried enough times to get back on track.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I wish I had something, ANYTHING interesting to write about right now, but it's almost midnight and my brain is absolutely fried from the three straight hours of statistics class I had to endure tonight. The hardest part about math is that you can't exactly tune out during the lessons like you can with other classes. With my psych class last semester for example, everything was presented on power point slides that you could download straight onto your own computer and study at your lesiure. With stats though, each new concept has it's own little obnxious math language which you must have explained to you by a person or else it's just nonsense.

My room has gone back to hell in a hand basket. Is that the saying? Or is it hell in a hand bag? I think it's basket. Anyway, I was able to keep it tidy a couple weeks ago, but then I had a bunch of binge days and stopped caring so now it looks like what I imagine the after affects of a minor explosion would. I've got clothes everywhere, cereal bowls on the floor, books and papers flooding my desk, and my carpet is really wet and gross because of all the glasses of water I've knocked over when I roll out of bed in the mornings. Today my mom asked me if I was ever going to clean it again and I told her not until the troops come home. I figured that gives me some time. Dr. Gordon will be sad when I tell her that I've been taking so little care of my living space. She thinks that when my rooom is clean I take better care of myself in other areas of my life. Which I suppose is true.

OH MY GOD speaking of Dr. Gordon, my MOTHER made an appointment to meet with her. Just the two of them. The other day she confronted me about how distant and curt I was being with her lately and I told her I was just generally frusterated with the way she talks to me sometimes, and especially since she was so mean to me on the ski trip last month. She said sorry and we sort of made up but I guess she still wants some answers and now she's going to the master...

P.S. The spell check is not working on this computer so now you've seen what my grammar and spelling are really like...

Monday, January 24, 2011

I can't wait to see Marci tomorrow morning. Is that sad? I can't help but think that this increased eagerness to see my nutritionist every week is just a sign that I'm becoming more and more helpless. Every Tuesday I go in for my session, with lots of stories, questions, and a ton of new disordered thoughts about food that I've managed to delude myself into believing. For instance this week, I've come to the conclusion that bruised fruit must be less healthy for you since it's brown and nasty. Same with old carrots and lettuce with gross spots on them. If it looks different from the average vegetable it mustn't have anything good in it, so I just skip it as an exchange that day. Come to think of it, I've been recently feeling this way about cheese too... you know how sometimes cheese has hard spots on it if you leave it out for an hour or so?

Anyway, I guess I also feel like since I only get to see Dr. Gordon twice a month I need to make the most out of my appointments with Marci. Which makes sense I think. Also, I can start going back to the support groups at MEDA on Wednesday evenings now!!! I'm so happy because I thought I was going to have a psych class on Wednesday evenings but it turns out the course I signed up for was like waaaaaay more than I was expecting. It's basically a class for fourth year students who are writing their senior papers for grad school and I really had no idea that's what it was. We were going around in a circle saying our majors and what branch of psychology we were planning to go into. I was like uuuuhhhhh... and just made up some random shit because I figured I wouldn't be coming back after that night anyway. Somehow I ended telling everyone I was majoring in criminal justice and wanted to be a forensic psychologist and they were all like, "Wow, how ambitious! You have to have a great deal of empathy and understanding to work with patients like that..." Then I said I was especially interested in that field because my background in the biological sciences had taught me much about the human brain and the many intricacies behind aggression and law transgressing behavior. It was kind of funny actually.... the professor was like, "That is fascinating! Sounds like you already have your research topic for this semester!" Then I said I had to go to the bathroom and went home.

So now I'm down to just the one class... statistics on Tuesday evenings. Booo. I was looking forward to taking what I THOUGHT was a general health psychology class but I guess that's out the window. Maybe I'll find a different class and just join late. Or maybe I'll take on more shifts at work and make lots of money. Well, I'll decide later.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I don't really feel like writing but I didn't post anything yesterday and I feel bad going two whole days without making an appearance in the blogosphere.

I'm feeling... not so much depressed but more apathetic. Apathetic and bitter. I'm in one of those moods where all I can think about is how unfair my life is so I might as well not try anymore. God wouldn't it be wonderful to just never have to try EVER AGAIN. I would just stay in bed and never get out (except to go to the bathroom and get the door when the chinese food delivery man comes), and there I would remain for the rest of my life. I love sleeping. Sleeping is like crack for me. Did you know on days when I don't have to work during the day I just sleep in until early evening? And then when it's time for me to wake up and walk over to the store it takes every fiber of my being to drag my sorry ass out of bed. That is what my life has come to. But it's okay, it's all okay. I've decided that from now on I'm just going to go through life without caring about what happens. I'm going to become a soulless automaton that just goes to work and goes to class and nothing else. I'm just so tired of having feelings and thoughts all the time and know that sounds ridiculous and even sort of immature but seriously I just wish I could be done with it. There should be some kind of warning label on life, don't you think? WARNING: Not suitable for the faint of heart.

How, do you ask, am I going to just escape from reality and desensitize myself from the world? Haven't quite figured that out yet... but so far I imagine it would involve sleeping even more than I already do, and then distracting myself with crossword puzzles during the waking hours. Crossword puzzles are great for when you just want the world to disappear. Same with running. And frozen yogurt.

I think I'm about to get my period. My head hurts, my back is killing me... pretty much my entire lower half feels like a beaten pinata. Only no candy is involved :(

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I saw Marci yesterday and that was a relief because I felt like I needed to check in with her. Last week she'd asked me to start logging my food intake again, so I bought a little moleskin notebook to use for that. I brought it with me to our session yesterday. She was like, "You have NO idea how useful it is for me to actually SEE what you're eating." She could tell that on days I binged it was because I definitely hadn't had enough food prior to bingeing. She told me, "Anyone would feel like bingeing on the amount of calories you were limiting!" The thing is, I'm not really consciously trying to restrict when I do. I really do think that what I'm having is enough! Apparently I do this because of my history with anorexia but that feels like so long ago now it's hard to imagine that's the real reason why. Anyway, we both agreed that I'll be able to take some major steps in reducing behaviors if I just stick to a meal plan. God, how many times have I told myself I was going to stick to a meal plan though, only to fail over and over again?

It was funny, about halfway through our session Marci asked if it would be okay for her to have a snack and I was like sure. Then she asked me if I wanted anything because she has a pretty stocked pantry in her office. I said no thanks I'll just have water and then she made this really obnoxious face at me as if to say, "You WOULD just ask for water..." So I was like, "Fine bring me a chocolate chip cookie."

Anyway, all joking aside, I guess I've been doing okay this week. I had one binge episode (today at work...whoops), but besides that I've been managing to follow the meal plan that Marci gave to me. Wow... I haven't actually binged anywhere besides work in WEEKS. And I haven't gone out to buy binge food from a store since before Christmas. Think about it... if I didn't work in an ice cream store maybe I wouldn't have a problem anymore!

Ugh, but I can't believe I caved today. Bingeing at work isn't even all THAT much fun. I should remember that for future reference. It's fun for the first ten minutes. Cuz I'm all like, "YUS! Free for all with the dessert!!" Then it starts to get dark outside and I remember that I have to close and that there's all this cleaning to be done and all the fun is over.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Just got home from my first statistics class of the semester. It doesn't seem like it'll be all that bad actually. I mean, I don't hate math... I'm just terrible at it and it takes me about twice as long as most people to finish any sort of math problem. I understand math, and I can DO math, it just takes me forever. When I was in middle school I actually had a math disability and needed an aid from the learning center to hover over me and make sure I was keeping up with the rest of the class. Talk about embarrassing.

Anyway, while I was eating my dinner during the fifteen minute break we get, the girl sitting next to me was like, "I'm an art history major. I haven't taken a math class in five years. What are you taking statistics for?" I thought it was sort of funny that people tend to assume the only reason for ever taking a math class would be because it was required for some other, BETTER area of study. But in all fairness, the only reason I'm taking stats is because it's a pre-med requirement. So I guess I have to yet to actually meet someone who is taking the class because they want to. That's kind of sad :(

And then tomorrow I have my first Health Psychology class, and that should be slightly more interesting. Not that figuring out the standard deviation of a normal distribution curve isn't interesting...

For those of you are relatively new to reading my blog, I'll just clear some stuff up. Boston University is not my real school. I'm taking evening classes there so that I can keep getting academic credit while I continue this never-ending medical leave from my REAL college, which is in New York. I guess I'm following a pre-med pathway, regardless of whether or not I go to medical school. I just love science. I can't start taking all those big year long courses like Chemistry and Biology until I go back to New York, so until then I'm just filling up my transcript with little semester long classes that my advisor recommended I should take in addition to the the big ones.

Okay then, back to today. This morning I slept in too late AGAIN, and woke up half an hour before my appointment with Marci. Actually, I wouldn't even have woken up in time to call her if it wasn't for my cat. Moxie jumped on my bedside table and knocked a glass of water over onto my face, clever kitty. I takes me at least 45 minutes to get there, so there was no way I was going to make it. Luckily it was snowing so I called her and said I was stranded at the bus stop because the public transportation was backed up (I stuck my head out the window so it would sound like I was really outside) and everything worked out. I know it's wrong to lie! Sometimes my moral compass is just a little finicky right after waking up. Anyway, she said she could fit me in tomorrow at 4:00 so that's when I'm gonna see her.

P.S. I've begun to notice a pattern in the titles of my posts... whenever I can't think of a good title I just make a random observation about what my neck or my stomach or my head or some other part of my body is feeling like at the moment. Just thought that was odd...

Monday, January 17, 2011

I love seeing Dr. Gordon, especially on days when we don't focus on eating disorder stuff the whole time. Today we actually talked about some issues that I'm having with my mother! It was so cool! I felt like a real patient, talking about real problems. I won't go into too much detail about my mom, so I'll just give you the basic gist. It is fairly important that you understand how I'm feeling about her right now, because apparently it could effect other areas of my life. My mom and I have always had a super solid relationship. We're friendly together, I talk about my problems, she gives me advice, tells me about her day and any neighborhood gossip she feels is important for me to know. She has flaws for sure, and we have the occasional argument but other than that everything is fine. On the car ride home from NH over winter break last month, I was having a panic attack of sorts from being squished in the back seat with her and my brother, while my 11 YEAR OLD sister got to sit in the passenger's seat (is that even legal?). I got impatient with Rachel, Rachel got upset, and my mom became frustrated with me and called me a bitch. She said, "You are really being a bitch, Eliza." I didn't respond, but just kept focusing on my breathing since I was so scared of throwing up from the claustrophobia. She kept going however. "No, you are a bitch and you know you're a bitch."

This was almost a month ago. The incident has certainly had a longer lasting effect on me because she seems to think everything is perfectly fine between us. For some reason I just haven't let it go. If my mom had always been an insensitive and unfeeling person it probably wouldn't have been such a big deal, but the thing is that my mom never loses her temper like that. I asked Dr. Gordon if she thought that one experience could change how you felt about somebody. She said that one experience probably couldn't work all by itself to change your opinion of somebody, but rather, it might serve to prove or qualify other aspects of that person's character that you hadn't thought about much before. For instance, my mom was the youngest of all her siblings, just like my sister, so it makes sense she would be more apt to defend Rachel in a situation. It also brought back memories of times when my mom has told me to be more mature or act my own age or be more agreeable when really all I was doing was expressing how I felt. My mother is a compassionate and reasonable person, but usually only when it comes to stuff she can understand or relate to.

Anyway, I've been trying to work on keeping the anger and resentment tucked away for now. My family is really all I've got after all (I don't have many friends), and I wouldn't be able to bear it if I made waves in the household dynamic. This is going to be tough however... I'm not used to bottling up my emotions. I'm pretty expressive most of time. I guess all I can really hope for the time being is that I'm able to sublimate the feelings in a healthy way and NOT through eating disordered behaviors, which is what Dr. Gordon is scared might start to happen.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

In three hours my shift will be over, which means in three hours I will leave work, which will make this my first official day of not bingeing at work! I'm so excited! As of today I am officially turning my life around (for like the 78th time... here's hoping this one takes). I remember writing a post a couple months ago, I announced that I was going to stop bingeing and restricting altogether and just eat normally. Surprisingly, as questionable as the success of that venture was in the beginning, it actually worked for a couple of weeks. Maybe I'll just go back to doing that.

Well my laziness has reached an epic extreme. Today I remembered that it's been over a week since my finger accident and I was supposed to get my stitches taken out in seven to ten days. I guess the idea of calling and setting up an appointment and then figuring out if it would work with my schedule, writing it down, going there on the day of the appointment, getting home, and all that stuff just seemed like too much work so I took a pair of kitchen scissors and snipped my stitches right off. It actually hurt a lot more than I was prepared for. I forgot that once you cut the stitches you have to PULL THEM OUT. That was pretty awful.

Tomorrow I see Dr. Gordon, and sometime this week my spring semester evening classes at BU start. I should probably figure out what days they meet....

Friday, January 14, 2011

I'm hungry. I know I've eaten enough and everything, it's just because my body is freaking out from not having a binge today so I'm just going to have to wait for my metabolism to readjust. Poor body. Poor body of Eliza's. Every once in a while I remember that besides making me fat, bingeing is also just an all around unhealthy habit. All the sugar makes it harder to sleep, gives me diarrhea, bloating, cramps, headaches, and a sore mouth. Wow. Bingeing and eating habits are pretty much the only thing I ever talk about on this blog anymore. Remember when I used to at least have the day program treatment and classes at BU to entertain thoughts about?

I woke up at noon today and since I didn't have to work or anything I basically just sat in front the t.v. all day long. I also wrote some letters to my friends and my aunt Sarah, but that was done while watching Grey's Anatomy so I guess it still counts as lolling about. I figure I deserved a day to be entirely non-productive since I had to close the store by myself last night (this includes sweeping, mopping, cleaning all the machines, washing all the dishes and tubs.. etc), and then had to walk the mile home at almost midnight in the bitter cold.

I don't have all that much to write about because I'm not feeling much in the mood to write. I feel like doom. I was about to say I feel depressed but that doesn't quite describe the range of thoughts and feelings I'm having right now. I feel like things are just doomed in every way possible- not just things related to me. I feel like the world is doomed to eternal misery but I don't know why... it's weird. Like nothing good can or will ever happen again to anyone. People in love right now won't love each other tomorrow, mothers will abandon their children in the streets in the snow, stray dogs will be kicked around the underbelly by disgruntled men from the pound, innocent people will have terrible dreams tonight about dying, and then in the morning it will start all over again.

Maybe if I allow this gloom to really overtake me I'll never want to binge again. Wouldn't that be nice? Of course I'd be miserable all the time but at least I wouldn't feel so uncomfortably full of food.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

What a day, huh!? To all my fellow New Englanders out there, I hope you enjoyed the fun and frosty winter storm we were favored with last night. I spent most of the morning shoveling out the terrace next to my house with Dad and Jake. In fact, all the neighbors who live on our little side street came together to help each other dig our cars out of the snow. It felt very wholesome and comradely.

Seeing Marci yesterday was a HUGE help. No wonder I've been struggling with bingeing more frequently, I haven't seen her in almost a month! I got her caught up to speed on everything that's happened- work, New Years in NH, my finger (yes, I do tell this story to everyone and anyone who will listen), and I even told her about how I impulsively joined Weight Watchers online last week. She asked how that was going and I said horrible. It makes me feel horrible about myself because I can't stay within the daily points and I get so hungry. She said not to feel bad because the diet industry is diabolical and doomed to fail anyone who joins it. I was like, "What are you talking about? You're a nutritionist. Don't you have clients who see you to lose weight?" She said yes she does but she would never endorse a plan that is so restrictive and lacking in nutrition.

"Most people who join Weight Watchers, or any diet for that matter, WILL see a weight loss of one or two pounds a week... but something like 95% of those people gain it back within a year because of how hungry they were."

"What about the other five percent?"

"Those are the people who develop eating disorders." HAhaa.

I think she was kidding so I laughed but actually she has a point. I mean, think about how long I tried to sustain restriction last year... I really only managed to be anorexic for a solid four or five months before I was like fuck this, please pass the ice cream. Anyway, what I was starting to say is that Marci made me feel a lot better about everything. She reminded me what a REAL meal plan looks like and told me to start logging my exchanges again... along with fullness and satisfaction notes after each meal and snack. She also let me in on a little secret. At first, she was really hesitant to say anything. "I am going to tell you something that's probably a little less recovery and more weight loss focused than usual." I was intrigued. Marci never talks about weight loss. "Say you have a little extra weight. If you just eat normally, listen to your hunger cues, ditch the calorie counting and diet regimes, your body will slowly over time start to drop any unnecessary weight that it needs to." I just sort of stared at her with my mouth open for a few seconds after she said this. I mean, I guess I knew this was true to an extent, but it almost sounded as if she was trying to using weight loss as an incentive for me to stop bingeing. Does Marci think I'm fat? Okay, okay. I'm not an idiot. OBVIOUSLY if I stop bingeing I'll lose weight... but I was just so shocked to hear her tell me this. Does Marci want me to lose weight?

Anyway, my point was that things are definitely going to start getting better now that I've seen my nutritionist and know what I need to work on and what I need to eat.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Okay, friends. If ever there was a time when I needed your good help and advice, it is NOW. I sincerely have not one clue of how to stop bingeing at work! PLEASE HELP ME. It's one thing having to deal with those nasty binge urges at home... I can just leave the house and go for a run or turn on the t.v. and watch Friends re-runs, but at work there is no escaping the horrible binge monster!! Try and imagine this if you will- I work in an ice cream store that is about the size of my bedroom. I usually work six to seven hours at a time, by myself, often straight through meals and stuff. I bring meals and snacks from home, so it's not bingeing out of hunger. I bring books to read and even a journal to write in if I start feeling down, but nothing seems to be working.

Just for the record, quitting does not seem like a viable option. I really enjoy working here. I was promoted to supervisor a couple of months ago so I'm getting paid more, plus the store is only a twenty five minute walk from my house so I get exercise going to and from. I've gotten to know the owner and the manager and they're both so nice to me. Plus have I mentioned it's an ice cream store and it's the middle of January? We get like almost no customers so most of the time I'm getting paid to sit around and blog or read. No I don't want to quit.

I was talking to my brother about the bingeing at work issue, obviously in a less serious and more self-deprecating manner since he's really only capable of making jokes about it. He was doing his Biology homework when I approached him. "Do you eat the frozen yogurt out of a cup or do you just stick your whole mouth under the soft serve machine?" I did not find this funny so I chose to ignore it. I asked him again what he would do in my situation. Jake is a smart guy, despite all the horrible teasing and sarcasm, and he's fairly well-adjusted so he must have some tips on how to be normal. "What I don't understand," he said, "is why you can't just stop yourself from eating. I mean, at the cellular level you're just like everybody else. We all have control over our muscle movement... so why can't you just physically keep your hand from putting ice cream into your mouth?" I am able to do this to an extent. I can usually hold back for about an hour and then it's literally like I can think of nothing else besides eating ice cream and candy. He must be right, though... right? Am I just not trying hard enough?

Anybody else have a simpler explanation or solution to my problem? I'm so desperate I could cry!!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Well it's the last Monday that Sarah and Amy will be home for winter break before they both have to go back to college, so tonight is our last Bachelor and pizza night :( It's sad in a way... despite not wanting to be social or around people very much I was sort of starting to enjoy our standing get together each week. I mean, all we do is sit in front of the t.v., drink beer and eat pizza so how can you go wrong, right? I'm just in a sort of weird and uneasy place right now because I've been getting so terribly off track with eating well and being healthy so I doubt I'll be able to go without bingeing tonight. When did it become so difficult again? I mean, I've struggled before and I've had bouts of bad behaviors in the past but recently it's like I can't even summon the strength to have ONE GOOD DAY. It's not a completely miserable state of affairs though, even though I have been bingeing frequently, it's not like they've been off the chart binges, and I've been running around the neighborhood or walking to work almost every day so at least I've been exercising. And if I have gained weight it can't have been that much. I just miss that sense of control and happiness that the recovery process offered. I guess I'm just feeling depressed is all. I should try doing some thought journaling before the girls come tonight and try to make myself feel better but I just can't be bothered I'm too depressed. I don't even think food would cheer me up at this point. Man, I'm depressed right now. I can't remember a time when I felt more depressed. I think I'm going to try smoking a cigarette or something because like I said I can't imagine food could bring me out of this funk. Yes I think that's what I'll do.

Tomorrow I'm seeing Marci in the morning. I didn't see her last week because I woke up feeling awful and guilty for having binged the day before and I didn't feel like dragging my ass all the way out to Cambridge to make our appointment, so I called and told her I was sick. She e-mailed me back, not angry or anything, said she hoped I felt better soon, but that she did need to enforce the 24 hour notification policy for cancellations. So now I have to pay something like $95 for the missed appointment. I'm kind of pissed actually. I mean, I know she can't bill insurance when I don't show up, but jeez. Couldn't she just lie to Harvard Pilgrim and say I came anyways? It would save me the trouble and the money. I haven't decided whether to hold it against her yet.

My finger is feeling better. I have almost full mobility of it and last night I went back to work and I got so many sympathy tips! The owner, Selim, joked that I should keep the splint even after the stitches come out. He was like, "Maybe you should even get an eyepatch!"

Well I guess blogging about my plight and listening to Elton John has made me a feel a little bit better. Maybe I won't binge tonight.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Well I haven't posted anything for the past couple of days because as you will come to understand by the end of this little story, typing has been rather difficult for me.

On Thursday I was working alone at the store. I think my last post was actually on Thursday... anyways, business was slow as usual so I thought I'd refill the frozen fruit tubs. I took out the bananas to slice them, and decided to forgo a cutting board since that just meant one extra thing I'd need to wash. So for like two or three minutes I was doing pretty well just slicing the frozen bananas with one hand, and holding them in the other. I must have gotten distracted by singing along to whatever song was playing at the moment, or maybe I just zoned out. I dunno. Anyways, the knife went straight through the banana, straight through my food gloves, and then gashed my finger- right at the joint. It hurt, but judging by the amount of pain I thought it would only be a cut. Once I noticed how much blood was dripping all over the counter and the checker-tiled floor, I whipped my gloves off and grabbed some paper towel, immediately wadding it around my hand and cursing out loud. Haha it might be funny to go back and look at the security camera footage of me freaking out... Anywho, I kept pressure on it for about a minute or so, then released my grip and lifted up the paper towel, only to witness a fresh billow of blood come streaming out and all over the floor again. It was nuts. I got some more paper towel and held it down on my finger, then whilst keeping my arm above my head I attempted to clean up the mess I'd made everywhere. Then a customer walked in. A guy. I was like, "I'm sorry. I can't really help you with anything at the moment, I cut my figure and I'm waiting for it to stop bleeding."

Then he said, "Woah, okay. Well I'm a doctor."

I said, "Oh really?! Oh man. You wanna take a quick look? I just want to know if I'm going to need stitches or not." So I put out my hand for him on the counter and lifted off the dressing. It bleed out some more and then I quickly covered it up.

He told me, "I dunno. It looks pretty deep. Either way it'll need to be cleaned out really well. Are you working all by yourself?" I explained to him that I was alone, and it had been bleeding for about five minutes but I wasn't sure if I should call my boss yet. He said if it doesn't stop bleeding in ten minutes then go to the hospital. So I called Tulan, she said she'd be there soon, and then I called my mom, who was all like ohmygod ohmygod I'll be right there. While I was waiting for Tulan to relieve me and my mom to arrive, there were like six other customers who showed up, and I had to promptly shoo them out of the store because I didn't want them to see how much blood was behind the counter. Once I was finally out of the store and in the car with my mom she took me to the her friend Patty's house. Patty is a nurse, and her husband George is a pathologist. One of their daughters, Hannah, was my best friend for several years but we don't talk that much anymore so I was anxious about showing up at their house after so many years, but there was no awkwardness. Hannah is taking a semester off from college too! She was home! She said she didn't like Tech and wanted to transfer somewhere else, and we bonded over being such misfit students while Patty and George perused my finger. By now it had stopped bleeding, but the wound was still pretty deep, and according to Hannah's parents, it needed to sewn up soon since it was right on a joint.

George was like, "Allow me to fetch my supplies!"

For a minute I thought he was serious and I went totally white but then Hannah said he was just kidding. "Dad, we'd never let you stitch Eliza up." Then he said that he does sutures every day and Hannah was like, "Yeah, Dad... on dead people."

We came home, my mom turned me over to my Dad (he's better in emergencies), and we drove over to the Beth Israel ER. The whole hospital experience was like a really quirky, messed up dream. We were there for four and half hours, and most of the time was spent in a little hospital bed being attended to by a crazy cast of health care providers. There was Triage Nurse Lady, who, upon first examining my finger said, "Oooh, yummy!" Then there was Twelve-Year-Old Technician Boy who cleaned my finger for me and showed me an almost IDENTICAL laceration he had on his finger from moving boxes in his apartment. Then there was the guy who stitched me up. I call him, Smug Shaky Handed Needle Guy. He prefaced the procedure by assuring me that he was the best resident in the program. "Not to sound arrogant," he said, "but I'm definitely the best doctor you could have gotten today." I asked him if he would use Lidocaine as a local anesthetic on my finger and and he sort of gave me a weird look. "Yeah... how did you know?" I felt funny telling him I was interested in medicine because doctors are always trying to talk you out of being pre-med or whatever. So I just said I knew because I'd had stitches before- which is true actually. I get hurt a lot. I told him this and he raised his eyebrows. "So you're a naughty girl?" Um, what? I was too embarrassed and confused to even begin thinking of a response to this question so I just laughed at him and how stupid he sounded. He injected the Lidocaine in almost a dozen different spots around the wound, which felt like hell itself, but by the time he started suturing I could totally relax because my finger was so numb it might as well have been a limp sausage. Let me just say, THANK GOD I couldn't feel any thing because Smug Shaky Handed Needle Guy can't sew for shit. He would poke the needle through one side of skin, but kept having trouble getting a good poke though the other side. He kept poking and re-poking to the point until my finger was bleeding more than it was when I'd cut myself in the first place, and then by the time he was done he'd gotten so much blood on my jeans I wanted to yell, "Look what you've done you insufferable little lab coat!" Then his attending came in to look at his work so I made good and sure that he saw what messy job his little resident boy had done.

So here I am, four stitches and a bottle of Motrin later. I have to see someone next week to remove the stitches and then I need to see a hand specialist. The End.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

AAAAaaaaah! This Weight Watcher's thing is killing me. I binged today, just like yesterday, and like yesterday, I tried to at least keep the binge within my points limit for the week. Lol it's so bad, you guys. I had breakfast at home, then came to work and binged on frozen yogurt. And then of course I couldn't have lunch and won't be able to have dinner because I went over my points for the day AND used up some of my weekly allowance as well. HAha now I only have 4 extra/treat points left this week. I guess technically, since I'm still staying within the plan, it's possible I could still lose weight this week. I'm supposed to weigh myself weekly and enter it into the tracker but I'm taking a stand and saying no thanks. Actually, when the computer said I needed to enter my starting weight, I JUST GUESSED. I have no idea how much I weigh right now so I just picked a number that seemed accurate, then added five pounds just to make sure. I'd rather go over the real number than under, you know? Anyways, I really don't want to weigh myself at the end of this week so I'm just going to say I lost two pounds when Sunday comes. Who knows? It's possible. I don't think I'll start actually stepping on the scale until I'm sure that I'm losing weight and the number won't be too horrendous. In the meantime, I'm just gonna keep feeding WW fake numbers and hope they are close to the real ones!!

So now it's almost 5:30... I'm still at the store- closing tonight actually. Closing by myself. Yesterday I thought I was closing too but actually Tulan came and said I could go home. That was nice. So once I got home, I spent most of the evening journaling and then around 10:30 I felt like being in a romantic and contemplative mood so I watched The BBC mini series of Jane Eyre. God, I love that story. I've read the book five and a half times but I'd never actually seen the t.v. version. It was sooooo good but also a major tearjerker. I cried pretty consistently throughout the entire movie, and the saddest part was I wasn't even all that sure what I was crying about. Was it because Mrs. Reed was so abusive to Jane as a child? Was it because Jane is so clearly in love with Mr. Rochester but she knows he's her employer and nothing could ever happen? Who knows what makes me cry. This happens sometimes though. I don't cry very often from things that happen to ME, but every once in a while I have a conversation with someone or I read a book or watch a movie or hear a story and I just LOSE IT. It's like a garbage land-fill type situation. At first all the trash collects in separate bits and pieces in the kitchen garbage can, but then by the time it builds up and the dump truck takes it away to the land-fill it's all one heaping pile of unrecognizable detritus and nobody knows what it used to be. Does that make sense? The metaphor made sense in my head.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

What a boring day this is turning out to be. I've been at the store since 11:00 this morning, completely by myself, and now it's almost 3:00 and there have only been like nine customers since I arrived. I read for a while, had a sandwich, then got super bored and hungry so I had a frozen yogurt with bananas. The froyo was so good that I had a bunch more, plus some candy toppings, and a scoop of coconut almond chip ice cream. I suppose it qualifies as a binge... (oh how tired you guys must be of me probing and analyzing my behaviors!), but I don't feel overly full or sick, and stopped once I felt like it was really starting to get out of control. That's good right? I mean, sometimes backing out of binge is harder than stopping yourself from bingeing in the first place. Anywho, right afterward I logged onto my Weight Watchers account and entered my intake. Obviously I went over my allotted amount of points for the day, but LUCKILY I've got my weekly allowance points to dip into for just such an occasion as this. I spent 24 of my allowance points on this little binge, can you believe it? Now I only have 15 left to use throughout the week. I must be more judicious in my spending as you can probably tell. The funny thing is, if I were following the amount of exchanges that Marci has made out for me to eat every day, this would not go over my meal plan. So I guess we'll have to call it a Weight Watchers binge.

I do not want to be here until 10:00 tonight. Actually, if I'm alone I won't mind it as much. When I'm alone I can just read and fool around on the computer as much as I want, and then when it's time to close I can turn the music up nice and loud while I mop. Maybe this day has some potential after all :)

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I just signed up for Weight Watcher's online weight loss program. I must be absolutely out of my mind. Honestly, I don't know what possessed me to do it. There I was, sitting on my living room couch, watching The Wedding Singer on TNT when a commercial for WW came on and Jennifer Hudson was there, dancing around all toned and fit singing this song and talking about how much better she feels now that she has lost weight. So just out of innocent curiosity I went online and saw that you can sign up to lose weight online for only $53.00 for three months! So, being bored and also kind of intrigued by the whole idea of using a website to help you lose weight, I signed up! And ooohhhmmmmygoooood you guys would flip a ginormous shit if you could see how this works. You've got your own personal weight tracker that GRAPHS the amount of pounds lost per month, and then the percent target as well. THEN, there's this system where you log your food intake and it converts that amount of food into points. You see, you only have a certain number of points a day and you're supposed to stick within those points. My number of points per day is 29. But get this- you get a weekly ALLOWANCE number of extra points that you can use for treats and stuff. How nice of them is that?! I must say, despite my general stance of abhorring the weight loss industry and all they represent... this could work. I still get to eat ice cream! Plus if you exercise you can enter in the amount of time and how hard the workout was and then you can get extra points to make up for it!!!!! EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE. AND OH OH OH did I mention they have this thing that tells you how many points are in a serving of the food you're eating?! So I could type in Nutella and it would give me.... hang on, lemme check real quick... SON OF A BITCH. 6 points for TWO tablespoons of Nutella?! Well smack me sideways. No wonder I'm this huge. Actually, I'm surprised I'm not heavier now that I'm learning how many points all the shit I eat has.

This is bad. Marci is going to kill me. She is literally going to drag me outside of her office, into the street, put a gun to my head, and then blow my brains out. She'll say, "What?! You did WHAT?!"

Then I'll say, "But Marci, I need to lose thirty pounds."

Then she'll say, "I don't care if you need to lose thirty pounds. I don't care if you need to lose a hundred pounds. I don't care if you are the fattest woman on earth and you need a crane to lift you out of bed, you cannot lose weight until you've recovered from your binge eating disorder." That's what bugs me about Marci. She's a nutritionist and she won't help me lose weight even though I've told her I can do it healthfully. So I guess I'll just have to content myself with not telling her all. It'll just be my little secret. Plus, I can't just not do it now. I already paid! It would be a waste not to at least try it. Worse than a waste, it would be rude to Weight Watchers.

Monday, January 3, 2011

I feel like bingeing. It's funny, after a behavior, when I'm reflecting on what I could have done differently I always think to myself, "I should have tried to address the feelings and emotions behind the urge instead of immediately turning to food." I guess now would be the absolute ideal moment for me to do that, since all I want to do right now is dive into a jar of Nutella and gobble it up like, like... like somebody who eats a lot of Nutella. ARgh! I fucking hate it when I can't some up with a good simile. Anyways, here are the most prominent emotions, feelings, and sensations that I'm feeling right now and why:

Hungry. I ate a good amount today but I suppose there was a lot of walking back and forth from Dr. Gordon's office so maybe that's contributing to the tummy rumblings.

Crampy. I'm the second day of my period and I feel like that guy in Alien who is sitting at the dinner table with all the other astronauts and then all of a sudden he starts freaking out with pain and then a giant slimy crab demon of sorts bursts out of his chest and then he dies.

Sad/lonely. I put those two together since I'm feeling sad BECAUSE I'm lonely. My brother and dad drove down to Pennsylvania this evening so that Jake can interview at Haverford College tomorrow, and now I'm left alone in the house with only Rachel and my Mom and they are my least favorite out of everyone in the family (In case you were wondering, my order from favorite to least favorite goes Jake, Dad, Rachel, Mom).

Tired. I don't know why I should feel tired. This morning I woke up at 8:30 and had a bowl of cereal, then I went back to sleep for three hours before finally getting up for the day and walking over to therapy.

Overwhelmed. I have to work at the store a lot this week I'm assuming, and we only just got back from New Hampshire on Saturday. I have difficulty making the transition from vacation routine to ordinary routine. Also, my spring semester BU classes must be starting up in a week or two, but when I went online to check when they started it said I wasn't authorized or something so now I need to figure that out and I don't want to.

I guess those are the main feelings. I'm also feeling annoyed, bitter, fat, angry, and mentally restless but those are nothing new so I don't need to go into them. I guess all that's left to do is figure out some way to get through the evening without food. It's not even six o' clock yet. Oh god. And I JUST got a text from Amy and Sarah saying we're gonna watch The Bachelor tonight and evenings with them ALWAYS involve pizza or cookies or ice cream or candy. Curse you, fateful world! Why must you torment and plague me with such food loving friends!?

P.S. I realize that my titles are becoming less and less thoughtful/representative of what my posts are actually about, but I have C+C Music Factory stuck in my head...

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Now I'm just warning everybody (and reminding myself) that I get REALLY overzealous when it comes to New Year's resolutions. I tend to get this idea in my head that because the year is over, I need to leave and forget all my problems from that year and start over again with new and completely different lifestyle choices or something like that. It's actually a serious problem, because once I realize that the goals I've set for myself are too difficult or impossible to achieve, I just fall back into my old patterns again. Take two years ago for instance- one of my resolutions was to become a vegan, and when I realized after a week or two that I could never have real cheese or ice cream again I started bingeing on Tofutti Cuties and soy joys until at a certain point I figured cutting out dairy was actually making me fatter not skinnier. HOWEVER I shall not let my failures from the past keep me from reaching for the stars with my resolutions this year!!!!

Here they are:

-keep in better touch with friends (includes Aunt Sarah and Heather) -devote a half hour every day to recovery work (journaling, meal plan log, mindfulness exercises)-stop trying to lose weight, because it's never going to happen -eat at least one serving of GREEN vegetables every day-be nicer to Rachel because I don't want her to resent me for all the teasing when she grows up-get all A's or A-'s in my spring semester BU classes -keep my room super clean and presentable at all times, since it seems to improve my mood when there aren't rotten food packages shoved under my bed and smelly socks polluting the air -find a new hobby besides blogging and re-reading Pride and Prejudice -cut down on Starbucks to only THREE cafe mochas a week-floss more often- not just after eating corn

Hmmm... I should probably add something like become more spiritual and find my purpose in life but right now I'm watching a really entertaining episode of The Office and I don't feel like it.