Man Loses Bet On Jon Snow’s Parentage; Must Swear Fealty to his Best Friend

BAYONNE, NEW JERSEY — James Neidhart lost a bet he was certain he would win. And he’s not happy. “I can’t believe something as crucial to the Game of Thrones plot as Jon Snow’s lineage ended up being so painfully obvious; George R.R. Martin, the master of trope subversion himself — I thought for sure he was gonna pull the rug out from under us one last time,” says the hirsute, two-hundred-eighty pound, bespectacled thirty-five-year-old incongruously wearing a diaphanous silk dress not unlike that of a Westerosi prostitute.

Neidhart is referring to the Game of Thrones Season 6 finale, “Winds of Winter,” wherein Jon Snow’s mother is confirmed to be Lyanna Stark, Ned Stark’s younger sister. “I mean, come on. The ‘R + L = J’ theory is like Robert Baratheon warhammer to the face levels of ‘no duh,’ to everyone and their Old Nan at this point. And now my best friend — who can’t even name all three of Daenerys’ dragons much less the combined strength/numbers of House Manderly and House Hornwood — gets to act like he’s some kind of GoT expert all of a sudden. It’s pathetic.”

“Promise me, Ned. Promise me this won’t be the most telegraphed freaking event in all of fantasy writing,” says Neidhart of the revelation in the Game of Thrones Season 6 finale.

“Sure, I probably wouldn’t have come to the realization that Lyanna was the mother myself if I didn’t spend at bare minimum, six hours a day browsing various A Song of Ice and Fire message boards and the Game of Thrones subreddits but still… so obvious. Way to be predictable, GRRM.”

“Oh crap,” he says sheepishly, looking around. “I almost forgot: All hail King Neal Brackman, first of his name, he with the prodigious genitalia. Long and uncut may he reign.” Neidhart hangs his head for a moment in defeat and then after what seems like several minutes of silent self-loathing, finally composes himself. “I have to end every sentence like that from here on out, just so you know. A bet’s a bet.” He repeats the verbal salute to his best friend once more, lips quivering with constrained belligerency the entire time.

When asked if his revealing attire is part of losing the bet as well, James only half nods. “Well, kind of. Neal said I had to pick a character from Season 1 to dress like for a month straight and well, this just happened to be the most comfortable. Whatever. So I have to swear fealty to him, bend the knee whenever he’s within fifty yards, dress like Ros for a month straight… and he’s most likely going to cuckold me by sleeping with my wife due to the lord’s right to the first night. Quite often. Lots and lots of cuckolding. Which makes sense given the context of GRRM’s writing, considering my wife is his first cousin and all. But there’s plenty of story still to be told, so we’ll see who gets the last laugh. All hail King Neal…”

Jon Snow’s father hasn’t yet been confirmed… so there’s still a chance for James Neidhart’s tinfoil theory. (But it’s most likely Rhaegar Targaryen.)

When asked who he thinks would have made a better choice for Jon Snow’s parents, Neidhart adjusts the hem of his dress and crosses his legs in an accidental/repulsive parody of Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct. “As it stands, Rob being Half Stark/Half Targaryen — it’s just so mundane. The following is a semi-tinfoilish theory of mine — but I think with the Starks being known as the Kings of Winter that it only makes sense for one of Jon Snow’s parents to be one of the Others. You know, the White Walkers. Maybe even the Night’s King son himself. Why do you think every house in Game of Thrones has menacing slogans like ‘Hear Me Roar’ and ‘Fire and Blood’ and then the Starks have some Aesopian ‘Winter is Coming’ bullshit? ‘Winter is Coming’ isn’t as innocent as it seems — it’s a sexual boast my friends. Winter is indeed, coming. And it’s going to bukkake right the hell over anyone that stands in the Starks’ way from here on out. Mark my words.”

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