Monday, November 22, 2010

I haven't slept since I woke up yesterday morning, despite trying a couple times last night, for a couple hours each time. Aside from simply feeling tired, the consequence of sleep deprivation in my experience is that intellectually I feel sluggish and impaired, but emotionally I feel flighty and volatile. It's extremely unpleasant. Which is a lead up to this: I'll be going home before too much longer, and I've been grappling for a while now with the fact that she won't be there when I walk in the door.

Thanks. I watched a couple of movies last night, played a game for a while, and watched the storm come through. Went to bed about 1 AM and slept for nearly 11 hours... feeling much better. Still weepy, of course. I've been through grieving many, many times, and know the progression. That doesn't make it "easier," but I have a pretty good idea what to expect. Actually, the various web tools (blog, facebook, twitter) are the real surprise to me here: the feeling of support has been tremendous. Right now, I know I'm volatile and unsteady. I expect to be. But it's nice to be able to express that and get supportive feedback.

Grieving sucks. Seeing the places where a baby's missing sucks. Neil Gaiman was so right: "And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on."