Monday, January 24, 2011

I look at a lot of porn. Naked men turn me on. Can't help it. I look and wonder at these fabulous guys. I appreciate their great bodies, their amazing smiles, their attributes. I pretend they could really be mine, if they were to meet me, they instantly love me. They would think I'm the greatest thing to come along since sliced bread. I can imagine snuggling with them. What their voices would sound like. The things they would whisper in my ear. I picture us cooking together in our kitchen. Making up the bed together. And yes, sex together. All these things run through my head at the speed of light when I come upon an image of a guy that strikes my fancy.

Then reality sets in. Most likely they are attached, don't live near me and I would stand absolutely zero chance with them if everything were to coalesce. I'm not destined to be with anyone that fabulous. I know that. They certainly know that. Everybody knows that. That is part of the fantasy. Those come hither gazes are for everyone and no one in particular.

The ordinary guy. The less than perfect fella that is a little awkward. A little unsure of himself. The one that watches too much tv or stays on the internet a little too long. The real ones that I cross paths with everyday. Those are the ones that I find irresistible. They don't see themselves as perfect or hunky or studly. They don't feel they have sex appeal or anything to offer another guy. They are the ones that turn my crank. They are the ones that appreciate you. The one that makes you laugh. The one with the little quirks that are insanely adorable. The ordinary guy. The average Joe. The guy next door.

That's who I want to meet. That's the one I can see myself growing old with. All I have to do is find him.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The world is an amazing place. Filled with people that circulate in and out of your life. Chance meetings that leave a mark, for better or worse. Through that great power known as Facebook, I reconnected with a guy from about 20 years ago. Amazingly, we both still remember that weekend together and both of us count it among our fondest memories. We actually have a mutual aquaintance that we have both known for over 20 years, yet our paths have never crossed again in all that time. His partner now actually got his car service frequently at a dealership I once worked at, and yet never saw him there either.

It was when I had first moved into the trailer. I had already met my last ex Greg by then, but were weren't yet a couple. I was bored and horny so decided to go out. To ensure I got laid, I wore spandex shorts. (the first, last and only time I have worn spandex in a bar).I saw Ken sitting at the end of the bar drinking alone and moved in. I sit down beside him, ordered a drink and struck up a casual conversation. We talked easily for a few hours, about anything and everything. He was tall, dark hair, deep voice and blue eyes. We laughed, drank and flirted. We decided to head to his apartment to finish up the festivities.

We had sex. We made love. We hung out. We napped. And did it all over again, several time. Six times to be exact. From Friday night when we met till Sunday afternoon when I headed back home, we had the most amazing weekend ever in the history of gay hookups. (that may be a slight stretch, but not by much) We never left the apartment. We grabbed snacks from the kitchen, rest and go again. We connected deeply. No awkwardness. No drama. Just straight from the hip, soul mates. But alas, that was the only time our paths would cross in 20 years. Till Facebook.

Yesterday after much finagling schedules and such. And after many traded emails. We finally had a lunch date. I was all a tingle about it all morning. Would he be as I remembered him? Would I be like he recalled? Would we have anything to talk about? It was everything a first date/meeting/reunion should be. Easy conversion. Laughs and chuckles. History and memories. And he paid the tab and wants to do it again!

I know he has a partner now. I'm very happy for Ken. They have been together 11 years. I don't see that changing. And I sure won't do anything to effect one. But it is nice to reconnect with someone that you have held such fond, treasured memories of for so long. And that holds the same fondness for it as well. Someone who I had hope to have another chance encounter with over the years, but never did. Everything happens for a reason I suppose. We seem to have changed very little, at least as well as you can get to know someone in one weekend 20 years ago. But the desire to reconnect is there. I hope to meet his partner one day. I liked to see who won his heart. He and I have agreed to not worry about the "what ifs" of the past. There is nothing that can be done about it. I look forward to out next lunch. And letting our friendship grow. He may be the replacement I've been searching for. I still need a new best friend. I'll buy lunch next time.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I've been frustrated lately. Nothing major, just little things here and there along the way, that grate my nerves in some form or fashion. I think a lot of it is my growing impatience at the rate my plans are coming together. Which happens to be hardly at all. Work is aggravating, but only from the not enough money perspective and the hours kinda suck. Macy's is not normal retail hours. I have things I want to do and have time and money to do them, but refrain to save money. I need to rebuild my savings after 2 years without a job. I did by clothes for work so at least I do have a decent work wardrobe that fits. I've gone to a few parties, but most are str8 people parties. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but I would like there to be another gay person there to talk to. I'm trying to not go out, because it cost too much. The weight lose is slow. I can't get the exercise area cleared out to use because of helping my parents when I'm off. Just lots of little things that are annoying me and making me snippy. I don't like to be snippy.

Of course things are better than before not working. I do have money, and a job. I have been able to spend some and do things. I've been to parties and gotten out the house. But honestly, I want more. I expect more. Of me. No one else. I just feel like I could do better. I'm just not sure where to start to change it. I've looked for other jobs. The pickings are still slim in this area. So I'll stay put until I do find one, win the lottery or they fire me.

Oh well, just doing what I can, when I can, while I can. It will get better. Circumstances always change. I'll just wait for the next change and keep an eye open for a better opportunity.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Not much has been going on around here. After Christmas seems so anti - climatic. Such a build up for months, then, POOF, it's over with and you wonder what all the fuss was about. The hours are back to normal at work, thankfully! I was really getting fed up with such un-necessary hours. We were never busy enough to justify opening or closing so much later than the rest of the mall. The department manager is a joke. A horrible leader in every respect. I'm not worried about it. I do my job and go home. They hired her, they can deal with the fallout. I've been called so many times since she has been hired because of lack of coverage in the schedule. Their problem, not mine. I do what I can, when I can, as best I can. I'm not working all those days in a row again to cover her mistakes. She can work them.

An old friend of mine asked me to do free consulting on a political website. I agreed. We have emailed back and forth and should met sometime next week. I laid out my ideas to make it more appealing and maintain it's focus. They have someone else to actually do the website with the proper software. I would have had to decline otherwise. Ideas I can do. Implementing, not so much with my current computer and software.

I went to a New Year's Eve party at the home of one of the old high school gang. She has just moved into a new place with her new boyfriend. He seems like a nice guy and makes her the happiest I've seen her in quite sometime. More power to them. It was a blast as always. They are all straight. I'm like the token gay at these shindigs. Of course I'm always asked to bring someone, which if I had someone, I would. They are cool like that. Maybe the next one, I'll have someone.

I've chatted on the phone and by email with Richard, the handsome fella that left Macy's. He is so cool. Wish he was closer. Maybe he will move back or at least visit. He is so my type. And just a lot of fun and full of surprises. I like that.

Tommy and I chat as well. He is trip. I enjoy the heck out of him. I really don't see it going anywhere though, as much as I wish it would. He is bummed out about his unemployment from his full time job. So sometimes he is really down or doesn't want to talk or socialize. I fully understand that. I make sure to stay in touch regularly with him to try to keep him out of funk. I got to work with him a couple of days ago. He is so much fun to be around. All I wanna do is hug him! Not good at work, but I do find ways to touch him. A string here. Lint there. Or squeeze past a little closer to him than I should. I'm bad.

My mother ordered a hospital bed for my father. He wasn't sleeping very well in a flat bed, so now he has one that will incline. It seems to have helped. The doctor also gave him a nebulizer which has done an outstanding job with his ability to breathe better. I know the improvements are basically short lived. It is only a matter of time before he will have to visit the hospital because he can't breathe. I dread that phone call, but it will come. I've braced myself for the inevitable. He is still trying to get things organized and finished up so the old place can be sold. He still ask me about the house plans and has proposed something a bit bigger than originally planned. I think he is worried it won't get done if something happens to him before then. The trust they set up will take care of it, whenever the time comes. I told him not to worry. As much as I want out of this place, his health and well being means more.

Not much really going on here. Same stuff, different day. Different year. There is still plenty of time left to see how the year turns out for me and the family. I can wait. I'm good at that.

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Most of the photographs on this blog do not belong to me. If you are the owner and would like for me to give you credit or remove them, please send me an email. I will gladly do so. (I do try to remember from whence they came.)