By the way, Janus is the name of the Roman god who looks forward and backward at once. Don't violate laws by reading this personal recollection of my youth. No one was harmed in this reminiscence, which is intended for adult use in the comfort of their own minds. Youth sometimes takes risks, wisely or unwisely. If you email, please be civil.

Conversation with a Bully

By Bi_janus (bi_janus@comcast.net)

I was walking home after school and swimming practice during my senior year. For the past couple of weeks, when I passed by the corner of Cleveland and Greenwood, I saw a small group of kids I recognized as Juniors, giving a ration of shit to some smaller kid I assumed was in Jr. High. I really try to keep out of other people's business, and kids need to learn to take care of themselves. So, while their behavior irritated me, I hadn't stopped or interfered. Today, as I approached the group, the smaller kid was on the ground in a fetal position while the leader of the bully contingent was kicking him. "Fuck!" I thought, "This is going to stop right now. They're going to really hurt him."

I dropped my bag and walked over. "What the fuck's so scary about this kid?" I asked. The dim light bulb looked at me and I could see that he was probably a year younger than I and not in very good shape.

"What are you talking about? There's nothing scary about a little fag."

"As a matter of fact, 'as a three dollar bill'," I said, my voice a little quieter. The dim one looked at me and hesitated. I saw the chink in the armor and slipped in, beginning to spread it into a wide crack. "There are only four ways for this to end; I've played them all out and only one ends well for you and your crew," I said. "I suggest you take it now, because it's not going to be available much longer." The dim one began to move toward me, and I stepped toward him fixing his eyes with mine. Suddenly one of his minions grabbed his arm and whispered something to him. The dim one's eyes widened and he said, "Fuck it! This little fudge packer isn't worth the trouble."

As they started to leave, I raised my voice and told them, "By the way, if this kid gets so much as a scraped knee, I'm assuming you did it, and then you're going to experience one of the other three options."

I turned, walked over to the kid who was sitting up now holding his gut. I knelt down next to him and told him to stay still. "I'm going to see if they did any real damage. Move your arm a bit."

He was trying to stop crying and dropped his arm a little. I raised his T-shirt an looked at his belly, which was bruised a little and red. Putting my hand on his belly, I said, "Relax now and take a deep breath." He did and I could see no indication of chest injury, and his belly wasn't tense although I noticed that it was firm and I could se the beginning of some muscle cuts. "Did that hurt your belly?"

"No, not much. I'm OK. Thanks for that. I thought I was going to die."

"No, you'll be surprised by what you can take." I took his forearm gently and said, "Try to stand up slowly."

He stood while I guided him, making sure that he didn't fall. "I'm Robbie."

He smiled a little and said, "I'm Bobby."

"Well, nice to meet you, Bobby. Sorry you had to go through that shit."

"I'm used to it. Is what you said to them true?"

"I always keep my word. I don't think they'll mess with you again."

"No, I mean about . . . being, you know, a fag."

"Well, I'm really more like a dollar and a half bill," I laughed. Bobby looked at me trying to figure out what that meant. "I like girls and boys that way, Bobby. I'm bi. But for people like those guys, in for a penny, in for a pound."

"Oh. What they said about me is true. . . . I'm a fag."

"First, you're gay or queer if you want to refer to yourself. I don't live far from here. I'd like my mom to have a look at you. She's an ED Doc."

"No. I don't want anyone to know."

She doesn't have to know how this happened, but she's known about me for quite a while. She'll like you just fine, and she won't tell anyone else about your business."

We walked the four blocks to my house mostly in silence. About half way there, Bobby asked, "So, have you done it with many guys?"

"That's a little personal, but I think I understand why you're asking. The answer is a few, but it's not so easy for me. I'm not sure how many bisexuals there are out there, and gay guys can't quite get that I'm going to see girls, too. And then, it's hard to go on dates with guys. Plus, like most people, guys want an exclusive relationship."

"How do you find them? I've never met anyone beside you that's like us."

I smiled at the fact that he thought of us as sharing a nature. "Yeah, well it's not a great idea to advertise around these parts. But I think there are quite a few of us out there. You just have to be a little careful figuring out who. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should live a lie, but you have to be ready for the fallout if you don't."

"Tell me about it. So do a lot of people know about you?"

"Well, that's a long story. I was outed by a guy who used to be my best friend after I told him. The next few months were a little rough, but I survived."

"Did you get beat up?"

"No. See, I've been studying karate for almost eight year now. After the first unfortunate attempt, no one else was willing to risk it. Then, I'm sort of a jock and am a State swimming champ, so people just leave it alone. What about you? How do the knuckle draggers know about you?"

"You are so lucky. I've never done anything with a guy, but I'm on the small side and, I guess, a little girly. I try not to act that way, but sometimes it just comes out. I sing, and I'm not exactly a baritone."

"I'll bet you're good. And I gotta say, talking to you, you don't come across as too . . ."

"Faggy?"

"Well I guess that's one way of putting it. I mean you're not that obvious."

"Thanks, but I know that's a lie."

We had reached my house and walked up to the porch. The house was an old two story affair with a porch that fronted whole of the ground floor. I loved the wood floors, the big casement windows, and all the cross ventilation. Mom had an office in one of the five bedrooms, and we had two guest rooms. As I opened the door and stood back to let Bobby enter, Mom shouted out from the office, "Welcome home, warrior!"

"Hey, Mom. I brought a friend. He had a fall on the way home; would you take a look at him?"

She came out and regarded a very nervous Bobby. "Hi. I'm Elise, Robbie's mother," she said, offering her hand, which Bobby shook.

"I'm Bobby. Nice to meet you, ma'am."

"You're hurt, I see. Do me a favor and go into the office there; I'll be in in just a sec to take a look."

Bobby went into the office and Mom closed the door behind him. Turning to me, she looked a little pissed. "What's going on, Robbie?"

"He just had a little scrape coming home, and I don't think he's really injured, but I'd appreciate your looking at him. I know you don't like doing this off the job, but I don't want him to go home if he's really hurt."

"He looks a little young for you. What's your interest here?"

"You're kidding me, right? He just needs a little help. Besides, you know I'm going out with Sandra now."

She got one of those little looks on her face and said, "I know, but he is kind of cute." Then she went into the office. I tried to follow, but when she had opened the door, she said, "You wait out here."

"Could he please come in?" Bobby asked.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. He did sort of save me, and he told me I could trust you and that you know he likes guys sometimes."

"That's fine. And, he likes boys all the time; he just likes girls, too. Right now, he's involved with a very nice young lady."

I thought I saw Bobby's face drop just a bit. "Oh," he said. "That's nice."

"Would you take your shirt off and then lie down on the sofa so I can take a look?"

Bobby gingerly pulled his T-shirt over his head and held it while reclining on the sofa. I made a natural observation for me that he was well put together, small, but nicely shaped with pretty good definition. Mom pulled her desk chair over and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Well, that's quite a bruise you have there." She placed a hand on his upper belly on the right side just below his ribs. He flinched and she asked him to breathe normally. After a few breaths she did the same on the other side. She asked me to hand her stethoscope to her and, telling him to breathe normally, she listened to his chest. Then she placed her hands on either side of his rib cage and gently squeezed toward the center of his chest. "How long ago did the . . . fall happen?"

Bobby answered, "Half an hour, maybe."

"Well, I don't think you have anything serious going on, but you need to avoid . . . falling again."

"Robbie gave me a few tips, so I think I'll be all right."

"OK, then. I've some work to do, so you guys scoot."

I helped Bobby get back into his shirt and then walked him out of the office. When we were outside, I shut the door and asked, "You going to be all right?"

"Yeah, I think so. I don't know. I'm just so mixed up."

"Look, you've got to get home. Want me to walk with you?"

"No, I need to get there on my own. Do you think we could talk some time?"

"Sure. How about Saturday? You can find your way back, right?"

"I can, but I want to ask some personal questions and I don't want to piss you off."

"That's unlikely. See you around ten?"

"If you have time that'd be great. Thanks for saving my ass. See you Saturday."

I talked with Sandi that night and told her about Bobby. Now Sandi is a very cool person who knows I like boys, too. She's not grossed out like a lot of girls. In fact, she's a little curious. She does, however, have some ground rules to which I've agreed. The most important one is that if I feel like fucking around with a guy, we have to talk about it first. I doubt that she'd okay with it, but at least she's willing to talk.

"You're not interested in him, are you?"

"Of course, I am. He's afraid of who he is and hurting. I'm not interested in fucking him, if that's what you mean. He's cute, but way too young. Besides, you keep me pretty well occupied and you know how I feel about you."

"I get it. So, you going to talk with him on Saturday?"

"Yeah, that's a done deal. Can you come over early. I'd like him to meet you, but you can't let on that I told you about him."

"Sure, maybe I can help."

"You always help!"

Saturday morning, about ten, Bobby knocked on the door. Sandi and I answered it, and I could tell he was disappointed to see her. Genius that she is, after saying hello to him, she kissed me thoroughly and said she'd see me later. He looked relieved and came in.

"Is your mom around?"

"Nope. She's on duty during the day shift, twelve hours. Grab a seat. What would you like to drink?"

He sat on one of the stools at the pass-through counter. "Do you have a diet coke?"

"Got to keep your figure, eh?" His face reddened and he looked down. "Look, Bobby, you've got to be able to take a little shit from your friends, especially 'family'."

"Family?"

"That's code for guys who are into guys."

"Oh. So, you're family. I like that," he said looking at me with a smile.

I put a can of diet coke on the counter and said, "Let's go into the family room to talk."

"That sounds appropriate," he laughed.

When we had dropped down into a couple of stuffed chairs facing each other, I said, "How'd things go with your folks?"

"Fine. I made sure they didn't see my belly and I wasn't that late. They really worry about me because I don't have many friends. They're always trying to get me into activities, but they don't understand that I'm going to get creamed."

"Do you think your parents know you're gay?"

"Shit, no! They'd kick me out."

"Why do you say that? Do they make a lot of homophobic comments?"

"No, they've never said anything, but I know they think I'm not into sports enough."

"I didn't think my mom knew, either. But, she did and was just waiting for me to say something. No brothers or sisters here, so she's the one who's been there for me."

"I'm an only child, too. I just can't imagine they wouldn't freak."

"All right, here are two suggestions. One, think about telling them. Two, since we're both brotherless, you and I are going to be brothers to each other."

His face smiled from top to bottom and he jumped up to hug me. "You don't have time, do you? I mean you're seeing Sandi and everything."

"Well, I'd bet that you just inherited a sister, as well. Now, good brothers aren't afraid to talk about anything. So, you said before that you wanted to ask some personal questions, so shoot."

He didn't make eye contact. "So, how many guys have you done it with?"

"Done what? Flirted? Cried with? Had sex with? Confided in? Loved?"

"Well . . . I meant sex. I've never had sex with anyone. Sometimes I get so tired of hiding and not being able to try things."

"I'm not that much older than you, and I think I remember feeling the same way. I fell in love with a lot of people when I was your age. With girls, it was pretty easy. Some worked out, some didn't. I sort of think I had to wait a bit for people my age to catch up with me emotionally. Good news is that they have, at least some of them. I was lucky. I'm not sure how I'd have done it if I didn't like girls, too. You've got a little more of a challenge."

He looked up at me now. "I feel like there's no one like me out there." He smiled and said, "Why can't gay guys wear some kind of uniform?"

"Yeah, I know. One thing I noticed when I wasn't out is that just like I couldn't tell about anyone else, no one else could tell about me. After I was outed, at least people knew it was safe to approach me. Before that, it was sort of like stumbling around blind. Still, I found some guys to try with."

"Yeah, but you're a jock. How's someone like me to find them. I mean, I get your point about being out, but for me that would be suicide."

"Well then, I think you're going to have to patient and trust to chance. As your brother, I want you to know that I don't want you getting into situations where you might get physically hurt. Sorry to tell you that you'll probably have some heartache no matter what you do."

"So, do you do everything, I mean, you know . . . ?"

"You mean like different kinds of sex play?"

"Yeah." Again, he was looking down at the floor.

"Well, I'm sure there are a bunch I haven't tried, but, I have done the usual suspects. The one I've done the most is the one you've done. Yeah, you have had sex. You know, jerking off," I said, making the universal gesture. "Then, I've done oral, anal, and just rubbing against my partner, and vaginal with women."

He made a bit of a grossed out face and asked, "You really still JO? I mean you've had real sex and you're going out with Sandi. Why would you?"

"Well, for one, it's a lot easier to schedule and the equipment is always with me."

He looked up with a smile and said, "I guess so! I'm really glad to be able to talk to someone about this stuff."

"Well, I think it's a lesson anytime you're with someone. I mean you both learn. If you're asking about giving you lessons, I really wouldn't feel right doing that, and it has to feel right for both people. For one thing, you should learn with someone nearer your own age. Discovery is fun."

He looked deeply disappointed. "It's because I'm not very good looking, isn't it?"

"Look at me, Bobby. No, it's not. You're quite good looking. Remember, I've seen you without a shirt, and believe me, you're fine. I think it's more important for you to have a good brother than a sex teacher."

"I think I'm too small."

"Well you're no giant, but you don't like basketball, and you'll grow taller. I'd say you're fine for your age."

"No. I mean down there," he said looking at his lap. "I've seen other guys in the shower at PE, and most of them are bigger."

"Well, first, size is overrated. Plus, I'll bet you haven't seen any of them hard. There are showers and growers, and we're all pretty much in the same ballpark when we're hard. Mind you, there are exceptions, but I'd much rather be more average than huge."

"Could you look at it and tell me if I'm okay?"

His eyes were watering, and I remembered all the times at his age that I wondered about myself. Really, nothing reassured me until I had the opportunity to compare with other guys. Their admiration meant a lot to me. "Look, Bobby, if you're over four inches when you're hard, you're just fine."

"Please."

"Okay, but just a professional opinion. You have to respect my decision not to do anything with you." Yeah, I know. But, I was more than mildly curious, and if I could reassure him, I thought it would help. "Are you hard?"

"Yeah. I have been for a while. Since we can talk about anything, I need to tell you that when I JO, I think about you."

"I'm flattered. Everybody gets to fantasize. Just remember that your fantasies are just that. Now," I said with mock seriousness, "out with it." He looked so relieved that he had told me that. He stood, unbuttoned his jeans, and began to pull the zipper down. When everything was undone, he pushed his jeans down to his thighs, revealing a pair of white jockeys. I could see the tube of his cock stretching to one side, pointing to his hip. I could already tell that I wasn't going to have to give him a line about being okay. He hooked his thumbs under the waistband of his underwear and shoved them down. His dick sprang out as it cleared his jockeys and then his balls came into view. He looked at me expectantly.

"Well, my man, you are a man! You are definitely on the large side of average. You're close to my size when I was your age, and on your smaller frame, it looks even bigger. You're going to make someone very happy when he unwraps that." His pubic hair was a sparse patch with only a little hair on his balls and none growing up the shaft. I realized that I was boned. "You're very handsome. Now, put yourself together and zip up. Oh, if you need to get rid of that, the bathroom is down the hall on the right."

He blushed again, pulled his pants back up without zipping or buttoning, and, walking toward the hall, said, "Uhm, I think I will if it's okay."

I wondered if he'd use me to help him get there. I certainly didn't mind if he did. He came back in a few minutes. He looked more relaxed, but I was still hard. As I stood, he looked at my crotch where my hard-on was quite obvious. When he tore his gaze away and looked at my face, I said, "See what seeing cute boys does to me." He started to move toward me and before he got to me I said, "But, that doesn't mean you have to use every boner you get."

He hugged me and I him. He rubbed his dick over mine, which I allowed briefly. "So, what about making Saturday morning a brother time just for the two of us?"

I gently pushed him out of the embrace. "That would be so great. Are you sure you have time?"

"I'm sure. Now, home with you."

"Thanks so much, Robbie. I love you." He smiled as I walked him to the door, and then I watched him begin his walk home.

I called Sandi, and she came over. I used my hard cock with her for a while. I told her about the conversation with Bobby. When she left before my mom got home, she said, "I think you're going to have to talk to Bobby regularly. And, thanks for saving it for me!"