HEAVEN, Utah -- One-time presidential hopeful and "guerrilla ontologist" Mitt Romney subtly came out as a passive supporter of gay people today as he served as MC to a grand opening of the newest location of the popular Mormon-owned ice cream chain, Fudgie McFudgepack's. As a powerful and well-respected figure in the Church of Jesus Christ and Latter Day Saints, we are assuming that his donning of gloves to help out with some fudge packing at this event, as well as hosting several other fudge-related events, is indicative of a new feeling of fellowship by Mormons with gaymen and women.

Sources inside the secretive church revealed that discussions for peace negotiations with the gay community have been ongoing. "We're just not so keen on the flamers you know? The quiet ones are OK, you can't really tell them from normal Mormons." said our anonymous confidant.