Get pregnant. See heartbeat. Tell everyone. Miscarry. Get angry. Bitter. Bitter. Still bitter. Fertility testing. PCOS. Treatment. Pregnant. Hold breath... hold breath... hold breath... and exhale. Finally a mommy, minus my innocence. I am so lucky. It's not always fun, but it is entertaining... to my readers. Any resemblance to good advice, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Welcome to the dream factory.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Wow, I'm just lazy

It's not that I'm not having thoughts about posts all the time... it's not that I have nothing to post about.

I'm just lazy. Sorry.

We told my cousin, my grandmother, and an aunt about the pregnancy last night. My grandmother beamed and said nothing. My aunt, who knows about our IF journey, said "Oh, that's wonderful." and my cousin kept saying, every four minutes, "oh my god, you're PREGNANT? You're gonna have a BABY? That's amazing!"

Did I mention that said cousin is 39 years old?

Anyhow, his constant outbursts annoyed my grandmother, who said that it was too much talk about the pregnancy and wouldn't be good for the outcome. But for just a few minutes, I was genuinely feeling glowy and excited about being pregnant. The feeling faded, but I'm so grateful to my cousin for helping me to feel it, even a bit.

As somebody around here said recently, just because you are pregnant and then have a child, doesn't mean you're not still infertile....on some level that feeling probably never goes away....i'm hoping it'll sink in more and more and you will soon be feeling that glow more often and for longer periods....like the others said, when lumpy kicks, it may all change!!!

Don't worry about being "unexcited"... I think part of it is that you think people have this expectation of exactly what kind of reaction you SHOULD be having, and your reaction ISN'T going to be a stereotypical one for three reasons:1. You have your own independent personality2. You have had a miscarriage.3. You've been through infertility.

It's hard to overcome those last two and get to a stereotypical reaction. I certainly didn't have that. Do you know I still don't have a lot of glowy excited moments? And you don't get a whole lot more pregnant than me! Most of the time I just wonder when I'm going to FEEL pregnant (emotionally, I mean... physically I DEFINITELY feel pregnant!).

It will definitely feel more real when you start to "feel" (physically) more pregnant and when you're unmistakeably pregnant looking, that's for sure. And whatever you do, don't expect yourself to have some reaction to the pregnancy thing just because everyone around you expects it of you.