That screencap comes from News 12 Brooklyn. Meanwhile, another Brooklyn, Decker, wrote something equally patronizing for Harper’s Bazaar. (She’s since apologized.) It’s the “Girly Guide to the Super Bowl,” because without Tom Brady, what’s a lady to pay attention to, hehe?

1. “Pick a team”—even if at random.

“If you’re a total novice, the first most important thing to do is PICK A TEAM! That way, you have someone to root for, you feel invested, and you have a few people to high five throughout the day. I was rooting for the Carolina Panthers but unfortunately they lost to San Francisco, so during the Super Bowl I’ll be showing my allegiance to the Broncos, for no other reason than I root for Peyton Manning to win a ring under a different franchise.”

2. But do spend a minute reading up on football buzz before game day, so you’re invested in the behind-the-scenes storylines.

“The week leading up to the Super Bowl is pretty quiet media-wise, as the main focus is football, so read up a little bit. Know a few of the big stories going into the game so you can follow a little throughout the day.”

3. Comfortable-chic is the way to go.

Jeans, a great sweater, and a pair of boots pretty much nails it! When picking an outfit for game day be comfortable. It’s going to be a long day, and you might be jumping out of your seat.

4. Just say no…

…To heels. “Ladies, stop wearing heels to sporting events. It’s a terrible idea. You will feel miserable walking around a stadium for hours. A comfy wedge is fine, but I think gals should stick with the jeans and T-shirts vibe. This is a sporting event, not New York Fashion Week—that’s next week.” (Via)

And so on. I would very much like for KSK’s Sarah Sprague to write a Girl’s Guide to Girl’s Guide to the Super Bowl. It would only be two words long: “F*ck you.”