Bonjour. Ciao. Hola. Howdy do, mothafucka. Yes, I know, I’ve been gone for a minute. Now I’m back with the jumpoff! All Lil Kim lyrics aside, i present to you the platinum edition of Tokyo Talk. If you’re new to the program, click here. Alright now, FULL STEAM AHEAD!

Child, please!

Obeservation: If you saw a 5-year-old boy, you would call him a little boy or little kid. If you saw a 5-year-old girl, you would only call her a little girl and not a little kid. So, girls aren’t kids? Think about it. You know you do it. If it’s bugging you, just use my solution and call them all little shits.

Opinion: I’ve never been a huge fan of potato chips. I like corn chips, tortilla chips, etc., but something about potato chips turns me off. Probably because i used to hang out with this nerdy kid whose house smelled like stale potato chip farts. Whatever. I’ll let you eat your potato chips in peace. But i DO take exception to these abominations:

If crab were spelled "frab" and then reversed, it would spell "barf." Interesting.

Crab chips. What would possess anyone to buy these? Travel south of the mason-dixon line and people fiend for them like crackheads for a fix. It’s gotta be the Old Bay seasoning, or as i like to call it, “Hillbilly Pixie Dust.” The only reason i wold ever buy these is to repel people of decency and good taste. “Get back, esteemed gentleman, or face my crabby breath and spoiled pride!”

Mmmm, meat.

Discussion: If you were a 25-year-old virgin who has also been a vegetarian your whole life, which would better: the first time having sex or the first time eating a well-marbled, juicy, succulent, bone-in Rib-eye steak? Im going with the steak. People might think older virgins are weird, but to quote the great Hank Hill, “Vegetarians can’t be trusted.”

COMPLIMENTARY INTERMISSION JAM

That's some good NaCl, baby.

Here’s a dank idea: Instead of using plain old salt for tequila shots or margaritas, bars should collect and use the flavor-infused salt that gathers at the bottom of pretzel bags (the only salt officially endorsed by The Tokyo Think Tank). It would be like eating your pretzel and drinking it too!

"Free sandwich? How can this be bad?"

If i were in a band, we would call ourselves “Free Sandwich.” We might suck. We might not even play music. But people would definitely show up if they saw “Free Sandwich tonight” written on a billboard. You’ve seen Free Hat, haven’t you?

And now for the traditional hypothesized lovechild: In the spirit of the NBA playoffs, i propose to you that if Breckin Meyer (Road Trip, Franklin & Bash) and Liam Neeson (Taken, general badass) had a baby, it would look like Oklahoma City Thunder head coach Scott Brooks.