Homeschoolers Rock

We homeschool. There, I said it. Unlike what my spell check seems to think, I’m pretty confident that it is one word.

I’ve always had a difficult time admitting I was homeschooling. No offense to people who homeschool, but I’ve always thought you were a little weird. It’s OK; I’m not the only one. Really , stop looking at me like that!

Last week I was feeling pretty guilty and decided my kid should be able have the public school experience; after all there’s that socialization and normal stuff I’m not letting her experience. I was pretty sure I was a terrible mom. Delete the “pretty”, actually, and it’s a much more accurate sentence.

So, I decided we would do school as close to possible as a regular school. My gut told me this was the right thing to do. I think it’s important to go with your gut. My gut said, “Public school rocks-you completely stink”. My gut is not very nice to me sometimes.

Monday morning I shook my kid awake at 6:30 am. “Wake up!! You’ll be late for the bus!!”

Then I put her in the car, first double-checking to be sure she wasn’t carrying any illegal paraphernalia, such as a gun, a knife, or a Bible. I was ready with a lawyer on speed dial just in case, but she was clean.

So, we rode around for about an hour, making sure to stop every 3 minutes or so to let imaginary people on our “bus”. The full public school experience cannot possibly be gotten if your mommy drives you to school.

Near the end of the ride, I had her cousin get in the car. She first made my kid get in the back seat. Then, at the next stop she got in the back seat and made her scoot waaaaayyyy over, and called her a dirt bag. A little socialization and dealing with the real world. Awesome.

Healthy Breakfast!

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It was Labor Day, so I dropped my niece off at her house. Apparently Labor Day is the celebration of no t having to work for a full 24 hours, or go to school. Shout out to my niece---Excellent Labor Day Skills!

When we got home I made sure to give my daughter the required breakfast of donuts, an orange, pizza and a carton of milk- chocolate is as healthy as white, so there was, of course, a choice.

Next we started class. I gave her a detention for being in the hall, and another one for talking to herself under her breath about the hall detention. No Talking. Ever. It would be disruptive to the class. I had to maintain order. I wish she could understand that. Maybe another detention would help. Done . I felt pretty powerful.

We made it through Homeroom and Math without incident. We had a little problem in literature. She wanted to read, of all things, Tom Sawyer. OMG. Very slowly, so she could understand (I hadn’t realized until now just how slow my kid was-thank God we were switching to regular-school style) I explained the word “banned”. When she finally got it through her thick skull, she said, “Ok, then I’ll just read “The Color Purple.” (also banned) Arrrgghh! We finally settled on Captain Underpants, as that didn’t seem like it would be offensive to anyone.

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Then we began science. I had a frog ready. He was covered in formaldehyde and waiting for us to rip off his skin and label all of his exposed internal organs. My daughter thought this was insane. I explained to her how this was a very important part of science; she would use this information the rest of her life . She could never hope to get a good job if she wasn’t able label the internal organs of a frog. Of course, a pig might work too. She said “no way” to the pig. Odd that. I also explained that the frog wanted his inside body parts identified. He’d been hopping around his whole life, going from lily pad to lily pad asking the age-old question, “What are the parts under my skin called?” Here, she had an opportunity to help all of frog-manity, and didn’t want to. Selfish little thing. Again, I was so thankful we’d decided to change our schooling habits!

I was feeling pretty sure of myself after science class. (I dissected the frog myself-it was pretty cool. I learned that the area below his head was called a “neck”. I felt so smart!) After science class was History. I started reading about our founding fathers, and she started falling asleep. I tried to wake her up. Nothing. So, seeing as how the government has done hundreds of studies to find the best way to improve education, I figured I should take their advice on how to fix this problem. I immediately grabbed my purse, got out my wallet, and threw some money at the book to make it more interesting. Strangely enough, that didn’t work. So I hired my neighbor to oversee my history department, but still, my kid slept on. Finally, I changed books. THERE. She put her name in the new book, began to read…. and fell right back to sleep. I woke her up long enough to make sure she knew that our founding fathers were perfect, that there was no slaying of Native Americans (except, of course the really bad ones-and everybody knows you have to slay really, really bad Indians-ahem, I mean Native Americans. Really bad Indians, apparently, you can let live), Christopher Columbus discovered America, and Lee Harvey Oswald was the lone assassin.

Wow, we had worked ahead.

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Next, I realized she hadn’t yet had much of the socialization aspect-the most important aspect-of regular school yet. My daughter walks with a limp. I could work with this. I threw a spit wad at her and called her “gimpy limpy”. Then I laughed at her for having a spit-wad in her hair. She stuck her tongue out at me. At which point I made sure to tell myself that she started it, and gave her detention. Not before, of course, berating her in front of the class (of none) for defending herself. She really needed to learn that in the outside world, we defend ourselves, and that’s legal; but in school, just like in jail , you are to never, ever, ever to lift a hand to another person. That will not be tolerated. I’m pretty sure the rules are like that to teach the bullies not to bully. It’s working really well.

Of course, no school day would be complete without Gym Class. So I made her run around the neighborhood to warm up, threw some dodge balls at her until her arms were pink, and then rounded up some neighborhood girls so they could all take a shower together. It’s important for socialization purposes that young girls (and boys, in a separate locker-room, of course) see each other naked. Research has shown that this, too, cuts down on bullying and low self-esteem.

I thought the day was probably finished, when BAM! It hit me. I realized that I hadn’t done any testing. OMG. How would I know if everything I’d worked so hard to teach my kid had sunk in, if not for testing????

So, I spent the next few hours going over everything I was going to test her on. By the time she took the test I could tell that she was going to make our school look good.

She knew how to add and subtract (a must for the 7th grade), she could tell the difference between a sentence and a fragment, and she wrote a 40-page essay on the relationship between bullying and global warming. Sweet.

I really can’t figure out why we didn’t do this sooner. Homeschoolers Rock.

For people who's children are attending public school...

If you were given vouchers to pay for your children's education, would you homeschool?

Comments 16 comments

I would like to offer my services as Middle School Principal to your home school. I can do it from here, no sweat. I did it as a real job for almost 20 years, until the Trustees of the school I founded felt that I was no longer a good fit. So I have experience of the politics and shenanigans that need to go on behind the scenes to make your homeschool as authentic as possible.

I will critize you and send random rule changes to you on a regular basis, and demean you publicly for any failures (real or imagined) on your part.

For Free

Out of love and concern, you understand...

Chris

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Awesome, Chris. I'm especially impressed with your willingness to publicly humiliate me. That's an important quality that many overlook.

Now I just need to find a Superintendent to overpay. I have to make sure he'll make decisions based on everything but common sense. Also he needs to be able to say "No" to snow days.

ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

sueroy333

My best friend is an ex Superintendent, but he has worked in Florida and California, so I may need a little help here.

What on earth is a snow day?

We drive to the snow. It lives locally in nearby mountains. It does not live anywhere near me. And, why does it have to have its own day? You guys do parades or what?

Chris

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

We absolutely do parades. We even elect the snow mayor from time to time. Well, OK, here in Indiana we don't, but I've heard they do in Maine.

Donna Janelle 6 years ago from Oklahoma

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this! It was hilarious. I was homeschooled through most of my childhood and always hated that I didn't go to "regular" school. Maybe I wasn't missing much? Lol. Great hub!

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Thanks Donna! As a side note, how do you feel about having been homeschooled now that you're an adult?

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

This was great! Really great. You will have a massive amount of followers writing like this. For reals. This was so sarcastic it was almost acidic, and yet very funny. Truth be told, I have known some so-called weird homeschoolers, but you're obviously not in their ranks. And you raised some great points, although my kid's public school days are only six months from being over for good. Rated up and awesome and funny and useful and the other one.

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Stan- thanks for the compliment, it's true, I'm not in the "weird homeschooler" group- I'm in a new and improved "twisted homeschooler" group. It's just me and my kid, but we're hoping it catches on. Our emphasis is on drawing cartoons and writing articles, but the catch is, they have to be twisted. As my daughter says, "I want to be a comedian when I grow up because they can be way more offensive than everyone else". Homeschooling at its best!

I almost didn't post this one, I was afraid it was too sarcastic -I see that I was right, but I guess it was OK... thanks for the encouragement!!!

Thanks also for the rate and for hitting the awesome and funny and useful and the other one button!

tlpoague 6 years ago from USA

I don't know how I missed this hub before today. I loved it! I homeschooled my daughter for a year and a half. This year she went back for her senior year and amazingly enough hates it. It is funny to listen to her talk about the drama that goes on in school and the mind games the teens play. I think homeschooling gave her the confidence to find her voice and express her opinions whether it was offensive or not. I am still waiting for a few detention slips...Great hub! I voted thumbs up!

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Thanks Tip! I'm always glad to hear about kids who had a good experience. If you homeschooled for a while then you know how nerve wracking it can be worrying that you've done enough! Your daughter sounds like she's very mature for her age. You must be really proud of her!!

Thanks for stopping by and commenting. You made my day a little brighter!

Ivorwen 6 years ago from Hither and Yonder

I homeschool and there are days I feel like doing this. One son, in particular, thinks he wants a public school education... yet gripes every time I wake him before 7:30. This might just be the key to curing his attitude. lol

sueroy333 6 years ago from Indiana Author

Ivorwen- LOL! I love it! If you do anything like this you'll have to let me know!!

Homeschooling is such a mixed blessing. It's so great to know you're giving your kids a good education (one that will actually stick with them- I learned a ton of stuff in school that I don't remember ANY of). You also get to learn with them, and grow with them, and yet..... there are days if I could drop-kick my angel off to Public School I so would!!!

Thanks for stopping by, I loved the comment!!!

EJ32 5 years ago

sueroy333 Hi-

I Love this sooooooooo much I had to share it on my face book you should here every ones praise........ You are very talented and a joy to read. I told them don't go to your blog without their depends diaper because it a knee slapper!!!!!!! Let's not even talk about the paragraph with the police on speed dial. If we could all learn this way we would all be Genius!!!!!!!!! Excellent read!!!!!!! I need to tell more and more people about you and your blog!!!

P.S.

May you and your daughter day be great everyday!!!!!!

sueroy333 5 years ago from Indiana Author

Ej- WOW- to be shared on your facebook is a high honor indeed! Thank you so much! I cracked up reading your "depends warning"! You're too funny!

I really thought long and hard before posting this one, I try not to be too offensive, but in the end, my sense of humor won out over my sense of decorum! (big shocker!) I'm so glad you liked it, my sense of humor is proud, my decorum just got bumped down another notch!

Thank you, thank you, and thank you again for such high praise! You really made my day!

PS. Thank you for the kind wish. My daughter and I actually just finished making some hilarious "extreme housecleaning" videos that I'm considering posting on youtube. I lost 2 pounds making them! Homeschooling totally rocks! :) (Although, I don't think MIT will be on her list of colleges, to be sure.)

Sagi 23 months ago

A perfect reply! Thanks for taking the trbeolu.

Finch 23 months ago

It's great to read something that's both enjoyable and provides prdamgtisac solutions.