Hillary Clinton announced her Presidential run on Sunday in a video where she check marked every possible demographic, and almost immediately, Ted Cruz posted a response video called “We’re Ready For Hillary”. You’d think all the money he gets from Koch Industries, he could afford a video that didn’t look like he put out an ad on Craigslist offering copy/credit/exposure/one free meal. If you listen to it with the sound off, it looks like he’s asking for a ransom.

“I pledge allegiance to Canada, no wait, I meant Cuba. Shit, let me start over. I pledge allegiance to the Koch Brothers, no wait, America. I pledge allegiance to America. That’s totally what I meant.”

If he wants to keep the corporate money coming in and people who vote against their own interests to retweet him, Ted Cruz really had no choice but to compare a show about fictional vampires to the Republicans’ equally fictional narrative on democratic voter fraud, but he didn’t stop there. HE CONTINUED TO TYPE VERY ANGRILY!

A scene in Sunday’s episode took place at the George W. Bush Presidential Library, where a Cruz function was being held. The vampires who went made disparaging comments about the Republicans in attendance (What do you expect? It’s Hollywood.) and then there was a gruesome bloodbath. (We admittedly do not watch “True Blood,” so we can’t offer further context, but we know it’s a show about vampires and can be quite grisly.) Cruz, not known for mincing words, shot back on social media several times Tuesday, drawing a comparison between the undead and Democrats. On his Facebook page Cruz wrote: Of all the places I never thought to be mentioned, HBO’s True Blood vampire show would have to be near the top of the list. Sunday night, they aired a misogynist and profanity-ridden episode where Texas Republicans are murdered attending a “Ted Cruz fundraiser.” Well, I’m sorry to have lost the vampire vote, but am astonished (and amused) that HBO is suggesting that hard-core leftists are blood-sucking fiends….

If he were any kind of real leader, he would have just ignored it, and not only because True Blood is stupid as hell now, but if your desire to be President is to be believed, then why would you give a shit, how a television show portrays you? Shouldn’t you have, like, I don’t know, real shit to worry about? Oh, I know why. It’s because he’s a petty, insecure dork with narcissistic personality disorder who was raised by a dude who fought for Castro and is now trying to overcompensate for that by saying gay marriage is a government conspiracy. Ted Cruz is also Canadian, so everything is gay to him unless the other dude uses syrup.