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Doing What It Takes: This Local News Station Has Roofied Its Weatherman Just Before His Segment In The Hopes That He’ll Commit Some Kind Of Viral Gaffe

With so many media providers competing for views, some television networks have taken a serious hit in the ratings column. In an effort to get eyes on its content, this local news station has roofied its weatherman just before his segment in the hopes that he’ll commit some kind of viral gaffe.

Wow. In the cutthroat world of television, sometimes you’ve got to do whatever it takes to survive.

Just seconds ago, the station director of Cleveland’s local ABC affiliate slipped a sedative into weatherman Charles Finley’s can of ginger ale before he went to deliver his daily weather forecast, and everyone in the studio is currently praying that when they go live shortly it’ll kick in and cause Finley to commit some sort of eye-catching blunder that can be turned into a GIF and shared thousands of times to get the network some much-needed publicity. Since he began with the network back in 2007, Finley has been a consummate professional and has never once flubbed while on air, which has left his struggling network with no choice but to spike his drink in the hopes that it will lay the groundwork for a viral, ratings-boosting YouTube video with a title like “Weatherman Takes A Tumble!!!”

“We’ve got our fingers crossed that the drugs kick in soon and Charles starts slurring his words and mispronounces Cleveland as ‘Clorvlund’ or something equally embarrassing to give our ratings a bump going into sweeps,” said the network’s lead anchor Bob Trammell, who noted that they had tried greasing the floor with Crisco a couple months ago but that Charles maintained his balance in a segment that failed to gain social media traction. “We’re not entirely sure if the roofies will cause him to collapse immediately or if he’ll wander around the studio like a disoriented newborn deer, but anything that makes him look like an idiot would be a godsend.”

This is make or break. The fate of the entire network depends on this weatherman royally screwing up. With a tweet already drafted that reads, “Our weatherman decided to take a nap at the WORST time!” it’s clear that News 5 Cleveland is ready to capitalize on Finley’s likely loss of consciousness to rack up as many retweets as possible. As Finley takes a final sip of the ginger ale before going live in 10 seconds, all the network can do is hope, and slip some ipecac into the sports anchor’s coffee as a backup plan so that maybe he’ll throw up on air. They’ve done all they can, and now the rest is in God’s hands.

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ClickHole uses invented names in all of its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. ClickHole is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.