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Army of Epiphenomenon

Monday, August 11, 2008

The United States Department of Homeland Security issued a stern warning to internet bloggers this morning in its continued effort to protect the American people from the onslaught of domestic terrorism. The announcement, as it was termed, “requested” that bloggers refrain from using such words as “bomb, threat, Washington, jihad, retribution, Constitution, nuculer [sic], building, President, attack, liberty, allah, explode, Congress, praise, suicide, freedom, or bombing." Phrases the DHS would like avoided are “‘Praise Allah’, 'gun rights', ‘car bomb’, ‘crooked politicians’, ‘dirty bomb’ ‘bush sucks’, ‘free speech’, and ‘bomb those capitalist bastards back to the stone age’.”

The DHS went on to warn that the aforementioned list was not exhaustive, but should be read to include any any terms or phrases that might directly or indirectly cause concern, either physically or financially, for any member of Congress, the President, or a significant campaign contributor thereto. Homeland Security Tzar Michael Chertoff thanked bloggers in advance for their willingness to submit, and added that compliance would "help to reduce the number of unexplained disappearances."