Review: UK Soap EastEnders: A great new character takes our minds off Kat

A 'sideways' review of the latest goings-on in EastEnders, the popular British Soap Opera.

This post looks at episodes broadcast in the UK 9th-13th July 2012

*Warning: May Contain Spoilers*

A new face brings a smile to my face (as does Jack's haircut), and let's face it – does anyone care about Kat's affair?

After Derek feeding half the Square last week and Kat offering herself on a plate to the other half, my heart sank even further when I heard the word 'paintballing'.

God help us. Watching paint DRY is more interesting than watching paintballing, and even Kim's witticisms couldn't raise my spirits.

My heart sank even further when I saw a lone figure appear, as I knew it could only be another long-lost relative (that nobody had ever even mentioned before) suddenly rolling up with a backpack and a backstory to bore the pants off me, but as soon as he opened his mouth it was a whole new paintball-game.

AJ. I just met a man called A.J.

*sighs* Ah, just the mention of his name sets my heart aflame.

Well, not quite, but I just LOVE him! He's so cheeky and funny and is exactly what EastEnders needs right now, seeing as one of its few remaining comedy characters – Janine – has gone and turned into Mother Teresa.

We haven't had a sarky comment off her for weeks now – which only leaves Kim, Shirley (on a good day), and Zee's gurns to keep me entertained (although Jack's new haircut's right up there).

I'm guessing (and hoping) that it won't be long now before AJ's wife rolls into town too? If she's anything like him then get her here quickly, as it's given me a whole new reason to keep watching – which is something I've been increasingly struggling to do over the last few months.

Kat: no-one cares about your affairs

This Kat thing's agony to watch. It's SO boring. We couldn't give a monkey's which one of five blokes (or someone else perhaps?) it is you're sh*gging, love. Just get on with it and put us out of our misery please.

I want it to be Derek, as it's the one that'd give us the best storyline. Like I said last week though: it's about time Alfie told her to sling her hook once and for all. Their relationship's run its course. It's so dull, and he clearly doesn't REALLY love her any more – if he's being totally honest.

"When God was handing out brains, you were at the back of the queue asking for a spray tan," he told her this week. That's not very nice, is it?

Let's have a wife-swap

Come oh, let's have Alfie getting with Roxy, Kat with Derek, and one or other of them running the pub. Either couple would be good – and anything would better than what we've got now. It's stale and boring. The Queen Vic's the heart of the Soap, and that heart's missing at the moment.

I'm not sure Ray knows as much as he thinks he does about stuff. That's no way to slice a tomato, mate. Wrong sort of knife, and anybody knows that you're supposed to cut tomatoes cross-wise, so that the slices hold together properly and that nobody gets the 'stalk' bit.

He doesn't know his wines either. When Kim turned up at his flat he thanked her for the bottle of Pinot Noir. Pinot Noir's a red wine Ray!

Jai – you're well out of order, mate

Ere. Someone 'ave a word' wiv' Jay will ya? I hate it when characters smash their kitchen/living room/burger bar up, don't you? It's simply beyond me how people in Soaps will lash out and trash the place, then just stop and stand there as if nothing's happened.

I'm SO not a violent person, but seeing someone do this truly makes me want to grab hold of them and tear them to shreds.

Why do people do it? What about the person whose possessions you've smashed up? Who's going to clean it up? Not you, I'll bet. It's the behaviour of a two-year-old, not an adult. Grow up Jay. If you want to beat the **** out of someone, go and do it to Ben, not Shirley's burger van, ok?

For Gawd's sake, somebody find that photo frame and get that boy banged-up, will you? It'll be a truly happy day for me when I don't have to look at those guinea-pig features any more.

The Awards

Er, there aren't any. The person who took AJ on can have an Award for great casting, but other than that it's been a very poor week on the Award front. AJ's kept me smiling, but there's only one Grin of the Week: