This Week In Posters: Catching Fire, Comic-Con, Godzilla, Tom Cruise

THIS WEEK IN POSTERS – This Week in Posters & Stills is our weekly round-up (and critique) of all the posters, publicity stills, one-sheets, and set photos that hit in the previous week, a nice little early preview of what’s to come in the movie world. Posted every Wednesday, or as close as we can get.

Billy Club starts off our busy Comic-Con week of This Week in Posters. I’ve never been big on the slasher-type movies (or basher, as the case may be), but the posters are always the best part. Get it? “Right off the bat?” It works on so many levels!

So now we’ve done a hockey goalie killer, a baseball catcher killer… hey, why not a WASPy guy with a polo mallet? A scary Asian badminton guy? A fratty lacrosse rapist? Let’s just get all the sports out of the way.

Whatever, I bet he can’t see for shit in that thing. Also, the blade on the end of the bat really seems like overkill.

BREAKING THE GIRLS. It’s always weird to me that people can go through all the trouble it takes to get a movie made, where it’s their baby for years and years and they go through casting and writing and crewing and planning and shooting and editing, and they have to believe in it so strongly in order to see it through all the way to completion, and then, after allll of that, they end up giving it a name that people immediately associate with something else, like, say, a Chili Peppers song. After all of that work, you have to know that’s the first thing people notice, right? Twisting and turning and feeling and burning you’re breaking the girrrrrrl….

I’m intrigued by the poster design though. What would you call that, some kind of implied rape reverse Christ pose? There’s a lot going on there.

CARRIE. Here’s the new Carrie remake, which asks the question, “will you still watch this if you already know everything that happens?”

Actually, I confess, I’ve never seen the original. I know, I know. Also, why did Chloe Moretz start using her middle name? “Chloe Moretz” is such a catchy, unique-ish actress name, why would you want to muck it up with an extra syllable?

DIANA. “The legend is never the whole story.” Really? There’s a Diana story we haven’t heard? The tabloids are going to be pissed when they find out, because it seemed like the media milked that Diana story until it lactated gravel and then ate the cow, then pooped the cow back out and smeared it on the pages a few more times. Say no to biopics of British royalty, you guys.

Unless it’s someone from the Middle Ages. That I’ll allow.

THE EDGE OF TOMORROW. Here’s the Comic-Con poster for Tom Cruise’s new movie, the crappily-titled The Edge of Tomorrow, which used to be the equally crappily titled All You Need is Kill. They’re both pretty bad, but The Edge of Tomorrow keeps making me think of Paul Giamatti’s unpublished novel in Sideways.

“It’s called ‘The Day After Yesterday.'”

“Oh, you mean ‘Today.'”

“…Yeah.”

Anyway, it’s kind of a sci-fi version of Groundhog Day, directed by Doug Liman:

A soldier fighting in a war with aliens finds himself caught in a time loop of his last day in the battle, though he becomes better skilled along the way.

GODZILLA. Oh hey look, it’s the Comic-Con poster for Godzilla. Did you forget they were remaking that? Again? It actually comes from director Gareth Edwards (The Raid) Monsters, and writers Frank Darabont and David S. Goyer, which is a lot of talent for a property that Hollywood keeps trying to make happen without much success. I might be interested if they did it all with miniatures and models instead of CGI.

Cool poster though. He’s made out of broken buildings! Sort of a you are what you eat kind of situation, I guess.

HELL BABY. We posted the trailer for this a while back, and it gave me the mild-to-moderate hope that this could finally be the silly without being gratingly unfunny parody movie that we wish someone would make every time a new Seltzer-Friedberg movie comes out.

The poster, unfortunately, is a nightmare. The concept is decent, but it took me a minute to realize that the claw was supposed to belong to the baby. Then there’s the weird arm angle, the general Photochoppiness of the whole thing, and what’s that background, smoke? That’s the same color as her dress? Hmm.

THE HUNGER GAMES: CATCHING FIRE. Oh great, they took my darling Jennifer Lawrence, Photoshopped her face almost unrecognizable, and then smashed her boobs down. I’ll get you for this, you sons of bitches. No one should be allowed to mash Jennifer Lawrence’s boobs down except my clumsily grasping palms. Okay, this got weird.

I love you, Catnips. I love you too, Pita Bread. We should listen to Haymitch Jablome. Let’s hide from holograms in the woods by painting our faces like a rock.

Ooh, a new competitor, Cashmere. Like all the other competitors, she doesn’t actually look very hungry. That’s Stephanie Leigh Schlund, by the way, who’s real pretty, in a Mormon-girl-from-Orange-County kind of way. As for the movie, Francis Lawrence is taking over directing duties from Gary Ross for this installment, so maybe this one won’t be such a shakey-cam shitpile.

Here’s Alan Ritchson as “Gloss.” I’m pretty sure this guy was a big part of the reason I found Blue Mountain State so thoroughly unwatchable. It’s a testament to how many roles call for a blonde, handsome football player, and how shallow the potential pool of actors for them are that people are willing to hire a grating overactor like this guy.

There are a million more of these Catching Fire character posters, by the way, but I’m not going to post them all.

I DECLARE WAR. We posted the trailer for this the other day. As for the poster… yep, nailed it.

I, FRANKENSTEIN. To paraphrase Cedric The Entertainer, I’m a grown-ass man, I can’t be watchin’ no movie called “I, Frankenstein.”

Yo, D-Licious! You wanna go watch “I, Frankenstein?”

Here’s the plot for this one, in case you were wondering:

Frankenstein’s creature finds himself caught in an all-out, centuries old war between two immortal clans.

Directed by Stuart Beattie. …Yeah, I’m probably going to pass on this one.

Aaron Eckhart, noooooo!

But hey, it’s good to know that the characters are all immortal, I’d hate for there to be any consequences to the action.

KICK-ASS 2. For Kick-Ass 2, they’re basically still cribbing off of the first poster for Kick-Ass, which is fine, because that was one of the best posters ever:

THE BEST OFFER. Maybe it’s cheating to use a painting in the background that takes up half the frame, but I quite like this one. Visually interesting AND I know what the movie’s about.

THE LEGO MOVIE. We were expecting a crappy CGI fest when The Lego Movie was announced, but then the trailer came out and it looked like this. It’s probably still all CG, but they at least made it look like homemade stop motion, just like they’ve done with the poster. It’s a pretty bold decision to not just make the same Smurfs/Yogi Bear-looking movie that everyone else is making, and if you ask me, a good one (note: don’t ask me, I’m not great at making money or predicting things).

The home-made look makes it feel endearing. Directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller (previously of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs)… these guys? I think these guys get it.

LOVELACE. I’m normally not a big fan of biopics, and I get the feeling this one is going to play pretty fast and loose (heh) with the truth, but you had me at “Amanda Seyfried looking innocent and naked.” Mmm-hmm, yes, please.

MACHETE KILLS. I got tired of Robert Rodriguez’s shtick about 30 minutes into Sin City, and as much as me gusta Danny Trejo, I have less than zero interest in this one. But hey, at least it’s not a penis or boob gun.

MANDELA: LONG WALK TO FREEDOM. Idris Elba gets to try out yet another funny accent as Nelson Mandela in this biopic from Justin Chadwick. Is it racist to say that I’m surprised to see someone as dark-skinned as Idris Elba cast as Mandela? You know, forget I said that.

I hear that in Peter Jackson’s Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom, Mandela doesn’t get to freedom until the third sequel.

Orangey-yellow, the official color of Africa.

JOBS. Ashton Kutcher’s “SERIOUS ACTOR FACE” cracks me up every time. I’ve been pretty harsh on this movie, but looking at this picture, it might be the comedy of the year.

MORE THAN HONEY. Surprisingly, not a documentary about Jessica Alba’s career. I like the poster, but I’m not sure I want to see another documentary about how f*cked we all are, which is what I assume this is about, all the bees dying off for unexplained reasons and whatnot.

THE GUNMAN. Via RopeofSilicon, the first still of Sean Penn in The Gunman. Well, we know the title’s accurate. It’s apparently an action movie from the director of Taken. Though, as Penn tells USA Today:

“Here’s the funny thing, calling it an ‘action film’ is kind of like calling Meryl Streep a sexy blonde chick. She is. But that really doesn’t tell the story of what she is at all,” he said. “I don’t separate this in my mind from anything else I have done. It’s a very human story that deals with the same things exploited in action films, like warfare.”

Meanwhile the plot concerns a spy trying to clear his name while the organization he used to work for tries to kill him! Based on that and on Pierre Morel’s filmography, I’m going to go ahead and say Ahahahahahaha, shut up, Sean Penn.

A 18th century adventure story centered on young Thomas, who is apprenticed to the local Spook to learn to fight evil spirits. His first great challenge comes when the powerful Mother Malkin escapes her confinement while the Spook is away.

I’m not sure what the hell I was supposed to get from this poster, but I like to imagine that this is an artist’s depiction of Jon Snow the first time Ygritte got naked for him.

Okay, so the other characters… uh… also produce sparks?

Ooh, something tells me Djimon Hounsou is the magician.

300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE. Hey, remember when 300 was about Spartans and Persians? Does anyone know what it’s about now? African masks?

Still going with the Frank Miller aesthetic, I see. I thought they would’ve dropped that after The Spirit bombed.

Is that Doyle from The Misfits? And he’s pissed because God is trying to wash off his makeup? Seriously, what the hell is going on here.

12 YEARS A SLAVE. As we saw from the trailer the other day, 12 Years a Slave is going to win all of the Oscars. Someone in the comments called it “Django Rechained,” which I thought was pret-tay, pret-tay clever.

THE WORLD’S END. I’d love to tell you all about this one and what’s going on in the poster (which probably doesn’t make a lot of sense if you haven’t seen it), but my press screening included a personal note from Edgar Wright about not spoiling the secrets for people who haven’t seen it. Such a kiss ass, that guy. All I’ll say is that it restored my faith in silly movies. Seriously.

Take the buttchin off Eckhart in that poster and it looks a hell of a lot more like Damien Lewis than him. Also hey brilliant fucking idea let’s use the plot of the Underworld series but take out the gorgeous actress in a catsuit, that’s like printing money!

“A soldier fighting in a war with aliens finds himself caught in a time loop of his last day in the battle, though he becomes better skilled along the way.”

I wonder which day it’ll be when he learns to move that knife someplace where the handle won’t fuck into his hip whenever he walks. I suppose it all depends on how much of a fucktard he is to begin with – There may be more pressing stuff on his Shit Soldier List. I really hope a plot point is that his exoskeleton serves no purpose and he just thought it looked cool for battles’n shit.

DAY 2: Man, what was I wearing?? That was – Wow, I mean, that was pretty fucking dumb. My bad, my bad. …Hunh… Knife’s kinda pokey. Looks cool, though. I think I’ll just leave it there for a bit…

Robert Rodriquez is fucking terrible. I guess he is TRYING to make terrible B movie shit on a blockbuster budget but all it does is have him spend tons of money making terrible, terrible movies. Its not ironic, its bad and he should feel bad.

The only thing I really take away from the carrie poster is that yet again we have an exceptionally attractive actress playing an high school teen “outcast”. was mortez really the only choice for this role?