Dance Moms: It Was Two Girls, One Solo, Six Crazy Moms And A Couple Of Really Bad Hair Days. Math Is Hard.

My Slim-Fast Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. And they’re like…it’s better than yours.

Seriously. I don’t even know why I showed up this week. What the Hell?

Now remember, Ethel. We can’t let Ricky find out we tried to break into the Copacabana or we’ll have some ‘splaining to do.

Hope you all got yourself some oven mitts, cuz you just got served a little sumthin’ too hot to handle, bitches.

Umm. Hello. I think the technical term is “Suck It, Haters.”

You know your kid looks like that Toy Story cowgirl that used to come with a Happy Meal, right?

So can we all talk about how much this whole judging thing totally blows big chunks?

And here we go again.

Another week of Dance Moms drama.

This week, the ribbons were Pink and the homeland security threat level down to Orange, thanks in part to Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her cry baby Mantourage having already scurried back to Ohio with their cow tails between their legs after being spanked at the last competition.

With Cathy safely behind enemy lines inside the Evil Dance Lair known as Candy Apples, you’d think that Abby and the Moms would have a chance to catch their breath…but no such luck.

Celebration boogie on the other hand? There’s always time for that.

At least for Abby, who was seated at the front desk poppin’ and lockin’ like a mime in a box as the Moms all filed in for this week’s assignments.

We don’t see Ms. Miller in a good mood very often, so it was a little disturbing to witness.

Shimmy Shimmy Coco Puff disturbing.

She reminded me of that crazy lady you always see on the cross-town bus who never blends her cheek blush into her face. The one who sings and seat-dances for the entire trip and then only when the driver lowers the front door to let her out in front of Marshall’s do you realize that there’s not even an iPod attached to her ear buds.

That lady.

Clearly, Abby loves her Fifty-Cent. So much sothat I have to pause and thank whoever had the production foresight to keep her behind the front desk barrier, because you know she was totally wearing a pair of low rider Lane Bryant gangstah shorts and flashing way too much granny pantie for a show that airs before 10pm.

Abby’s in the house, yo. Can I get a whoop whoop whoopie pie?

Boom. And then Kristie with a K returned. Love. Her.

Sassy Mama JLo was back, all styling in another one of her signature Sassy outfits with SassyPants Asia by her side being all Sassy & Stuff.

Asia had been MIA during last week’s two hour sobbing extravaganza due to television and magazine gigs on the West Coast. Because she’s Sassy like dat.

But they were back now, and tiny Mackenzie almost swallowed her Jawbreaker candy when she saw Asia bust through the studio door. Sorry Mackadoodle, but it’s gonna take a lot more than grease pencil freckles to keep up with that firecracker.

But first, the Pyramid of Shame.

You can tell even Abby is starting to regret coming up with this concept because she pretty much raced through the results like the building was on fire.

Bottom row was full of Asia, Nia, Kendall and Paige. There didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to their positioning other than the fact that they weren’t Chloe or Maddie. So deal.

The Mezzaine level was reserved seating for MackaSmacka and the aforementioned Chloe and Maddie.

And you might want to tighten those weaves and hold onto your hats, because Sad Sack Brooke Hyland was on the top of the pile. Freakin’. Finally.

As you’ll recall, last week Brooke had been bumped up to the Senior Dance Team and had actually gotten to perform with someone who wasn’t wearing orthodontics.

That alone was probably what got her top billing. But, whatever. Take the prize and run like the wind, honey.

This week the ALDC was headed to Ft. Wayne, Indiana for yet another PowerHouse Dance Competition. So more of my favorite disco strobe light towers and projection screen backdrops that are impossible to read without night vision goggles.

Seriously, people. Get it together.

The group routine was going to be an emotionally charged dance called Living With The Ribbon. Since it was all about cancer, and this was Lifetime TV, you knew that at some point there would be lots of tears and loads of that background piano music they always use in Jane Seymour movies.

But everyone of us has been touched by cancer somehow, so it’s no joking matter. The studio got pretty quiet, and Melissa cried.

Chloe and Maddie scored solos, as well as MackYak and Asia, and you could already smell some kind of preplanned competition brewing between the pairs. You could also smell grape or cherry, but I think that was still coming from the remnants of Mackenzie’s Jawbreaker. She’s going to have to wear those braces until she’s 43 if she doesn’t knock it off.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch to get Kristie up to speed, the girls got to rehearsing the group number for the first time.

The routine was basically Brooke all tangled up in a mile of elastic ribbon, doing all her usual Cirque du Soleil flips while the rest of the girls symbolically tugged on her survival lifeline. It was pretty impressive.

And since it’s cancer, jokes are still off limits even though I’m dying to say something about that huge piece of elastic probably coming from a pair of Abby’s Denim & Co pull on jeans.

The ones from QVC.

I won’t ruin the moment. But really, how cool are pants that you can pull almost all the way up to your arm pits in case you forget to put on a bra before you leave the house? I mean, c’mon. Genius.

Up in the MomPerch, it didn’t take JLo long to figure out that Holly was sitting in the wrong place on the couch. I guess there’s assigned seating or something. Maybe there’s stickers on the cushions. I try not to stare at their butts.

The whole ongoing Christi vs. Kelly throw down was rehashed again and JLo couldn’t believe all the dramz. You now she kinda wanted to smack Christi around a little just to pretend it was in support of Kelly. Old habits and all. Let’s do this!

Other than being one of those Academy Awards seat fillers who plop themselves down when Gwyneth Paltrow goes up on stage to snag an Oscar, Holly didn’t really have much to do this week. She should have just Skyped the whole thing in and caught up on her stories.

Through the process of elimination, Jill and Christi were now temporary BFFS and headed downstairs to do something or other while the rest of the Moms stayed on the Holodeck.

Back in the studio, Abby unveiled her latest Master Plan.

Chloe and Maddie would be performing the same dance. In the same outfit. To the same music. At the same competition. OMG. Twinsies.

Christi had spent the last 2 1/2 seasons complaining about an uneven playing field between the girls. So take that, lady.

As for the Asia vs. MackSplat face-off, I was thinking that Asia would do something sassy and that the other one would do some dance that required pigtails again.

And sure enough, MackaWhackaHiDeeHo was given another spunky western number while Asia busted out moves that you usually only see after someone drops Ecstasy in your cocktail.

Gah. Love me some Asia.

JLo left the MomPerch long enough to go check on Asia’s booty pop, which required that she remove her LA stilettos and prove what I knew all along: Bitch has Barbie Feet.

You know what I’m talking about. Those feet that stay in high heel position even when you take her shoes off. I swear. It was right there on the television screen.

I bet if you push on her stomach you can pull her pony tail and make it longer.

The next day, Lucy and Ethel…I mean Christi and Jill…were certain that Maddie and her sibling were receiving extra help on their routines when no one was looking, and decided to go into full on Ninja Mode to capture cell phone footage of the crime.

But they put designer sunglasses on first. Because that way no one would ever suspect an SUV with an I Heart Dance bumper sticker of any criminal activity.

Seriously. Those two.

Mark my words. By the end of this season if one of one of them doesn’t have a giant vase stuck on her head I’ll buy you lunch. And pay the tip.

After dropping Jill down through the sky light on a bungee cord, they got their shot, squealed out of the parking lot and headed to Kohl’s before anyone knew what had happened.

They also lost a rim, Jill hit her head on the dashboard and Christi’s tail pipe is now secured to the under chassis with a coat hanger.

Seriously. WTF? Will somebody PLEASE flat top that parking lot and fill in those potholes? I’ll bet there hasn’t been one day when some kid didn’t sprain their ankle falling into one of those sinkholes.

Once all the Moms were safely back inside that evening, Abby pulled one last sorority prank and forced Christi and Kelly to go down into the bathroom and Rit dye that gigantic elastic band breast cancer pink.

It kinda looked like a season ending cliffhanger with Christi washing blood off her hands until I saw Kelly and knew she was still alive. False alarm.

Then everyone had one last good cry before the competition. Abby gathered Moms and kids together and they all lost it a little as they remembered those who have been touched by cancer.

Even SassyPants Asia got choked up remembering her Dad’s dog Diego. It was a moment of unintentional comic relief that made you realize that even though she can Save A Horse And Ride A Cowboy like a diva bitch, she’s still really only 7 years old.

Just wanna squeeze those cheeks.

Finally, it was Showtime!

I’m going to pretend I didn’t see Maddie giving herself bronzer cleavage and just move on to the good stuff.

Sure enough, MackTicTac was once again dressed like one of those cowboy rag dolls that nobody ever buys at a church rummage sale. With cowboy rag doll freckles, of course. And cowboy spunk fo’ days.

Again? If it’s not a clown or a lemon or a bumble bee, it’s a cowboy. Even JLo noted that cute don’t last forevah, girlfriend and it might be time to hooch it up a little.

Granted, she’s still a little kid, but if Mom doesn’t break this habit pretty soon, Mack is about six months away from growing up to be that spinster HR lady at your office who wears holiday socks and earrings shaped like Christmas presents starting the day after Thanksgiving.

Yeah…you. You know who I’m talking about.

Asia werked and twerked it all over the stage again, but got busted for lip synching the entire song. If it’s good enough for Beyoncé at the White House, I don’t really think it’s the end of the world in a high school auditorium. But Abby’s the boss.

Chloe and Maddie did their matching solos, and when I walked away and came back I thought it was still the same person dancing.

The group routine was a big hit, and everyone cried again. It even made Christi want to hug Kelly. At least this week, all the crying made sense. Last week everyone was just being drama queens. Especially those pussy Dads.

Then some kids won some stuff.

The only uncomfortable moment came when Chloe won First Place, which knocked Maddie down to Second. Which is the first loser, remember?

Backstage it was predictable chaos with Maddie fake smiling and congratulating Chloe like they do at the end of every Miss America pageant until Mr. Emcee came in and announced that none of the judges could do math and Maddie was the winner after all.

Psych! Gimme that crown, bitch.

Can we all just take a moment and have one big group hug for Chloe, who walked over and handed off her trophy to Maddie like one of those street urchin kids in a 1940’s musical giving up a lost puppy to it’s original owner?

Everyone: How could this happen? Abyy: I dunno. No idea. Wasn’t me.

Probably not the best time for Mr. Emcee to walk back in a second time and thank Abby for “bringing the error to their attention.”

2 Responses to “Dance Moms: It Was Two Girls, One Solo, Six Crazy Moms And A Couple Of Really Bad Hair Days. Math Is Hard.”

HILARIOUS: and I doubted myself seeing that imaginary cleavage Maddie move; and then you came through…
Question: What tune did you think was Abbey seatsquirming to in the opening scene? “I’m Sexy and I Know It” maybe?

Yeah, Asia beating Mackenzie was the HIGHLIGHT of that episode. Love me some Jlo and Sassypants. Plus she’s right. Mack can’t be doing these routines when she’s 16. That’d be weird. The Chloe and Maddie thing, Meh. They always make such a big deal about it that now I am numb to them. But I’ll never be numb to Asia vs. Mackenzie. LOVE HER! Those cheeks.