Grieving Is A Complicated, Strange Journey

When my beloved grandmother died two months ago, my world came crashing down. She raised me and was my best friend for my entire life. For years, I dreaded receiving that call, convinced it would lead to days of bedridden tears and unimaginable pain ⸺ only, that’s not what has happened.

In the 18 months before she died, it feels like a million things happened, most of them terrible. I’d heard about the struggles people face when dealing with nursing homes or the ways in which a family can crumble but I wasn’t prepared for what that actually looks like. It’s ugly.

After the nurse called to tell me my grandmother was gone, I cried for a little while but that sadness was quickly replaced by something unexpected. Over the next few days, as I traveled to oversee her final arrangements, I alternated between feeling disbelief and uninhibited rage. The anger had begun in her final weeks but blossomed into a full grown mushroom cloud when she died.

At first, I crumbled under its weight and almost lost myself in the chaos that only seems to show up when death is waiting in the wings. The contentiousness, the pain and the feeling of helplessness created a perfect storm that threatened to engulf whatever was in its path.

That’s when I decided to root my feet firmly on the ground and stare straight into the eye of this monster. I wake up and take this stance every day, having no idea how long this standoff is going to last. Some days it feels like I’ve made no progress at all ⸺ but then I get a reminder of how far I’ve come.

It’s a Weird Process

Most of us have a preconceived idea of what we think grief will be like, but until you’ve lost someone close to you, you won’t know how you will feel. In fact, it can be different depending on the circumstances and relationship that you shared.

While it’s possible that you could feel consumed by despair, there’s a good chance that the first feeling you’ll have is one of disbelief. You might think things like “I just spoke to them yesterday” or “this time yesterday, they were alive.”

Going out to the grocery store, I was sure everyone could tell that my grandmother had just died. There's no way that someone as formidable as she could have left this Earth without being noticed. Of course, that's not true. No one outside of our small family had any idea at all.

It’s surreal to have your life turned upside down, to experience such loss, only to realize that the world will keep on spinning. Despite how you may be hurting, everything else in the world will continue to move on, and this may leave you feeling conflicted and confused.

It’s Different for Everyone

There are many books and articles written about death and, while they may be helpful to some, the reality is that grief is different for everyone. You won’t know how you feel until you go through it and you will quickly realize the the process probably won’t be linear.

Some people go to work and keep up with their regular routines while others need time away from it all, but no matter what, there is no set timeline on grieving. You can’t predict when you’ll start to heal — or be stricken by grief. There are long stretches of time when I'm doing relatively fine and then, one day, it will hit me with such a crippling force that I'm forced to step away from whatever I'm doing. It's unpredictable.

Respect your own journey and be honest with yourself about how you are feeling. Don’t compare your experience with anyone else’s and ignore anyone who judges how you are grieving. You need to navigate these choppy waters in your own way.

Breathe Through Acceptance

As time goes on, your thoughts will likely change and evolve while you process your loss. You may have questions that stay in the back of your mind or facts that you wish you could forget. It’s tempting to push these moments aside and bury the discomfort but learning to accept your new reality is a better plan.

It probably won’t be easy, and many people say that their grieving seems to come in waves. You might feel calm and at peace one minute and then completely overwhelmed the next. Learn to breathe through the difficult times and allow yourself to feel the pain of your loss. Postponing this won’t make it go away.

In the early days, weeks and months, you may have to excuse yourself when these emotions arise. Be honest about your experience with those around you. Lean on your friends and family as you work towards healing.

Of course, if you start feeling overwhelmed by grief and/or are struggling to get through the day, you should consider reaching out for professional help. Speak to your primary care physician, a counselor or check out a local support group. Often, talking to someone can help you feel more grounded.

Most importantly, be kind to yourself. Whether it’s a short walk, reading a book or luxuriating on a balcony with a hot drink, take a few minutes every day to be alone and do something you enjoy. As you reflect on death, let it serve as a reminder of how much you want (and deserve) to live your very best life.