“Anti-virus gave my computer autism”

A PROMINENT voice in the anti-anti-virus movement has lashed out at computer immunisation software makers after she revealed that her Windows computer was diagnosed with autism after she installed an anti-virus program.

Stephanie Muller from the every growing anti-computer-anti-virus support group Alternative Futures says that her computer refused to make eye contact with her and detached socially from its group of friends after she installed anti-virus on it.

“It used to be such a happy computer. Playing with friends and whatnot,” she said. “Now all it does is sit in my room and beep occasionally when it needs to be charged.”

Ms Muller isn’t alone in her campaign against the software giants. Fellow anti-anti-virus voice Hannah Road said her computer was fine until she installed MacKeeper, which promised to make her late model MacBook Pro faster and more reliable.

Sadly, moments after she installed the program, her two-thousand-dollar laptop developed low-functioning autism. Not even a trip to her local Genius Bar, where some of the greatest Apple minds assemble to find a cure for Mac-based autism, could cure her laptop.

“My Mac can barely load a website now. It’s the very definition of low-functioning,” said Ms Road. “Before I put anti-virus on it, it could edit videos and render large files – not anymore. It’s autistic now.”

Computer autism is becoming a serious problem in the IT industry, costing the national economy over a billion dollars each year in lost productivity. When a laptop or desktop is diagnosed with autism, it not only affects the computer in question, but also the wider family of devices in the computer’s network. Just like in human beings, autism is highly contagious and can spread from device to device in a short period of time.

There’s little to no evidence to suggest that anti-virus gives computers autism, says ANU technology professor Devon Grippler. The professor has been studying computer-based immunisation and anti-virus for over two decades and after he completed his own home-based research into the computer autism, he has concluded that anti-virus has nothing to do with technology catching autism.

“Autism in computers isn’t caused by anti-virus software,” he said. “Autism in computers is caused by creating a distributing dank memes and online petitions.”

The government is yet to make a formal judgement on the cause of computer autism, but a research paper into the matter is due to be published later this year.