Where Stuff Gets Rated

Category: Ratings

This is a song where Alanis Morissette names a bunch of inconveniences and asks if they are ironic. They are not, but you can’t learn without asking questions. For the ten-year anniversary, she changed the line where she meets the man of her dreams and then meets his beautiful wife to meeting “his beautiful husband” which may have actually been ironic in the middle of the last decade, but I think presently same sex marriage is prevalent enough and Alanis is self-aware enough for it to be completely un-ironic for the man of her dreams to be married and gay. 4.3/5

No, stupid, the exception disproves the rule. The other way, it’d be like if somebody broke into city hall and just started gunning everyone down, just into a big murder corpse pile, and the mayor nodded sagely and said “That proves it! Murder is illegal!” 0.1/5

The are the cookies sold by, you guessed it, the girl scouts. What you may not know is that the girl scouts don’t make the cookies, they’re made by the same people who make Keebler cookies. I guess Ernie and the rest of the elves. Anyhow, these are like five dollars, and, for all the cookies that aren’t yucky, Keebler makes a better version you can buy at the store for like two-fifty. Now, I’m not saying don’t give the girl scouts your money, in fact I’m saying the opposite. Just give the girl scouts some money. You’ll have plenty after buying more and better cookies at half the price.

This is when, after you die, someone, ideally, tells everyone how great you were. If you plan on dying, figure out who you want to eulogize you now, and make them promise not to die before you do. If you don’t do that, you’re likely to get a disinterested member of the clergy who will read the boringest parts of your obituary and skip the names of any family members they don’t know how to pronounce, and then tell all your mourners about Jesus, like they had gone to His funeral, by mistake. 3.9/5

This is when you dip bread into melted cheese. I’m not sure why bread nachos got all tied up in romance, but they did. I think I’d like them better if they were just called “bread nachos” but that’s probably because I just came up with that name right now and I’m pretty tickled by it. 3.7/5

If you mix this with root beer schnapps, it somehow tastes like celery. Of course you’ll have to do it at home, because bars don’t typically stock prune juice except as a joke, but it’s a pretty good mixer, especially if you don’t like throwing up. Anything you would have thrown up normally, will have exited through the rear entrance some time ago with this stuff. Also, since nobody makes cocktails with it, you probably can claim to have invented whatever you make! 3.9/5

They’re okay. I’m on board with the concept of covering things in chocolate, but strawberries, for me, aren’t a consistent enough fruit to fully execute it. Sometimes you get a sour one, and sour face isn’t a turn-on. It looks like a kissy face, true, but a kissy face where the person you expect to be kissing is slimy or something. Chocolate-covered bananas, that’s the path to my heart. 2.9/5