I rate every animal

Tag Archives: Ziggy

I received several animal requests last week. Of all these animals to get posts, the blobfish is definitely the first. The first, and the… let’s say blobbiest.

WWHHHOOOAAA

…I thought I was ready. I wasn’t ready. Let’s acknowledge this right now: The blobfish is bizarre and, by most any definition, gross with a capital G, R, O, and Ses. It is largely unknown to most people – or so they think. In fact, the blobfish can be observed every day in many newspapers.

They call it “Ziggy.” It thinks itself a man.

Special powers

Ziggy is just one creature, though. You may think him a lonely outcast. However, the blobfish is just one of an elite few. The most famous of this group is Criss Angel, the Mindfreak, but there is also the blobfish, the Skinfreak; Usain Bolt, the Legfreak; Black Bolt, the Throatfreak; and a handful of others whose identities have been protected.

All of this is to say that the blobfish can change its shape as it pleases.

Weaknesses

Its muscles are mostly useless. The blobfish spends most of its life floating in place, eating whatever passes by. It’s not very discerning.

Number of legs

Are you kidding? It barely has anything, much less legs.

Mental disorders

The blobfish suffers from seasonal orientation-sadness affective disorder, or “S.O.-S.A.D.” Complicating matters is the fact that it lives near the bottom of the ocean, so it always seems like basically the same weather and thus the blobfish is pretty much uniformly depressed year-round. It does buck up around St. Patrick’s Day, though. It likes the parades.

Innovations

At one point in the ’60s, a number of people – mostly hippies and good-for-nothings – became convinced that Freaks had all the answers. They sought out the Mindfreak (who was at that point still in his scarf-loving fourth form), the Liverfreak, and ultimately the Skinfreak. The blobfish couldn’t offer much in the way of useful advice, but it gave its deep-sea-diving pupils more mournful sighs than they ever could have hoped for. It also wiped its face on a shirt, giving one of those hippies the idea for the “frowny face.”

Like this, but less dumb.

What if it fought a bear?

Are you kidding? It barely does anything, much less fight.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The blobfish is a pathetic creature, to be sure. With a mug like that, it just never got a chance, but on the other hand it doesn’t apply itself much anyway. It should also be said that I don’t care for the Freaks’ politics. The blobfish is, at egg, a good heart; it’s a shame it associates itself with them.