Breaking into Porn on Purpose

The standard line about Los Angeles is that it’s a lonely place that will wreck the spirit of a creative mind. It’s big, ugly, and horrifically inhospitable to integrity. It also has really shitty traffic, mediocre pizza, and exorbitant rents. The rent thing leads a lot of struggling artists and craftspeople into the whirling vortex of pornography.

Porn, like any other filmed entertainment, requires camera operators, grips, sound designers, special effects technicians, and, surprisingly, writers. The standard adult film seems like it was written in an hour by a team of 17 horny teenagers on Adderall. In reality, adults write them in an office for money. If you can’t seem to find work writing for the latest NBC sitcom destined for early cancellation, you might be able to earn a decent living devising clever ways to put various objects into the many holes on a human body.

In 2009, I found myself in the unenviable position of being unemployed. I had just been unceremoniously relieved of my duties at my local Urban Outfitters after having an illicit affair with one of the managers. Once I established that one of my talents was engaging in inappropriate sexual relationships, I decided that the best avenue for procuring funds was the adult film industry. I lucked into a Craigslist posting advertising a position for a blogger.

I had no clue what manner of blogging would occur for a porn company, but it sounded like a better job than folding ironic T-shirts for minimum wage. Fortunately, my charm, lack of pretention, and willingness to commute to Van Nuys secured me the job. When I arrived at the studio for my first day of work, I assumed I would be the only person with anything resembling a college education. The accepted wisdom about porn was that people only ended up in the business because they had no other marketable job skills and a dearth of education. (Also, an abiding interest in orifices.)

Instead of finding a gaggle of meatheads hiding their boners while gawking at barely legal co-eds getting rammed by jacked-up ex-stuntmen, I discovered a collection of hard-working individuals with a brain cell or two. The most notable surprise was when I met a writer/director who was my age who actually wanted to film people screwing. Her “nom de fuck” was Martha Washington, and we quickly bonded over being relatively intelligent people in a business that historically has only rewarded the guy with the biggest genitals.

Martha went to film school, understood composition, framing, lighting, and other aesthetic concerns that tend to price you out of the adult world. It’s often impossible to set up a shot in a sex flick if the only thing the producers care about is getting as many angles on the cum shot as you can. Of course, caring too much about mise-en-scene and character motivation is missing the point of why porn exists. The vast majority of viewers just want to see the cum shot from as many angles as possible. Martha always seemed to be able to balance the two.

I eventually left porn to pursue employment with far fewer exposed tits, but Martha remains a cog in the massive, thick, throbbing, veiny adult machine. We recently got together to discuss our time working together, the state of the sex industry, and why she refused to be my girlfriend.

Why Porn?

I got into porn because I was desperate to get paid, but Martha actually, like, wanted to be doing what she was doing. She had been fascinated by erotica since high school and spent her years in film school begging the managers of the video store she worked at to let her curate a “high-brow adult film section.” I’m still hazy on how a bukkake can be “high-brow,” but it’s not my place to judge.

When I asked her why she’s still pursuing porn after many years chasing her dream, she waxed poetic about the medium. “I love moving images and naked people. They belong together. Human attitudes towards sex are still globally dysfunctional. I may not be able to make them better, but I’d like to at least help keep them from getting worse.”

At that point, I brought up the series of movies where a woman gets a smoothie poured into her ass and we had a nice, long chuckle.

Getting the Job

If you’re a pervert with a desire to get paid for your deviancy, then you’re probably asking yourself how to break into the business. Do yourself a huge favor and just troll Craigslist. Both Martha and I got our jobs from that site. I’m still surprised it wasn’t a scam and that my checks cleared, but don’t let that stop you. Just be sure to remember the names of your favorite porn stars in the interview. I didn’t have any, because when I am watching porn, I’m usually too busy jacking off to care who I am jacking off to. Martha, on the other hand, is such a fan of the form that she keeps an extensive collection of vintage VHS tapes and DVDs in conspicuous places in her apartment. But that didn’t stop her from losing her composure during her first meeting for the job and blanking on who her favorite porn star was.

“I think I got one out and it was either Jenna Jameson or Sasha Grey. I figured I’d blown it after that, but I started the next afternoon.”

The Job

My greatest accomplishment as a porn blogger was devising the copy for the back covers of the DVDs we were peddling to the drooling masses. I was most proud of the masterpiece I wrote for the cover of our Batman parody, BatFXXX, which those of you more adventurous readers can still buy from any and all reputable erotic establishments:

The overrun, bleak dystopia of Gothard City has one stalwart protector: The Bat. In his iconic cape and cowl, Billionaire Bruce defends the city from the scourge of crime. His greatest weapon: his monster cock. He shows off his fantastic prowess by engaging in a thrilling threesome with Blake & Kristina Rose, who are more than willing to do some quick cum swapping.

The Jo-kerr steals Poisen Ivy’s latest sex potion to unleash on the unsuspecting population, but not before Ivy (as played by Tory Lane) unleashes her huge tits and takes a scene-stealing rimjob.

The Clown Prince of Crime burns a path of destruction; fighting and fucking his way through the underworld. No one is safe from his carnal fury. Bobbi Starr’s hairy bush feels the wrath of Jo-kerr’s malevolent dick. Cindy Behr gets a poker chip insertion in her pussy. Rio Lee receives a facial to remember. Only the dashing Bat and his trusty assistants Robina (Krissy Lynn) & Bat Chick (Isis Love) can save Gothard’s citizens from Jo-kerr’s evil scheme.

This titanic struggle comes to a head in an earth-shattering 12 person orgy featuring Madelyn Marie in the kinky latex of Katwoman, Brynn Tyler riding the sybian and Isis Love squirting all over the place! The screen can’t contain all the hot sex in BATFXXX!

You might be wondering what the name BatFXXX even means. The movie was originally called Batfucks, but after principle photography was completed, someone in our legal department felt it was a step too far to use the word “fuck” in a porn title. Welcome to Obama’s America.

Also, please note that I essentially tell the customer everything that happens in the film. My directive was to reference every carnal setpiece in the picture, without leaving any surprise for the viewer. This is the equivalent of the DVD cover of The Dark Knight Rises saying “Batman fakes his own death at the end and ends up hooking up with Catwoman! Dude, it is so cool!” It’s the modern day version of the carnival barker screaming at passers-by to come stare at the woman with three nipples. Surprise is not the point at a freak show or a porno [sic].

And I still have no idea how a cock can be “malevolent,” but in this movie, cocks can be evil. If you don’t believe me, just watch it. There are some shady dicks in this film.

I never had to be too close to the sex, but Martha once had to brace male porn superstar Tommy Gunn as he performed a complicated maneuver during a POV scene, which we were happy to illustrate for you below:

The Death of Porn

Most people get into adult film because it’s far more secure than the average “mainstream” gig. The sad truth is that sex cinema is getting just as tenuous as any other type of entertainment job. Free sex sites are cutting into the profit margins of even the biggest companies.

With a hearty shrug, Martha pinpointed where she thought it was all going wrong. “Most porn watched in the world is watched on the internet, yet in most sales meetings I’ve attended, the conversations still revolve around DVD and cable. Even the AVN Awards require titles to be released on DVD to be eligible for nomination.”

This seems to be the accepted wisdom for an industry that, as she puts it, “is so averse to risk-taking and change. If the budgets for the last 15 parodies were put towards making seven pornos by hungry young folk with original scripts and the rest of the money was put towards marketing on the internet in innovative ways, I think the results would be amazing.”

Condoms in Porn

I’ve never once cared if I saw a condom in a porno, but audiences tend to disagree with me. On top of that, the issue of government meddling in an already heavily regulated industry crops up.

I brought up this topic after one too many cups of herbal tea, and was greeted with a lengthy explanation of why the adult industry has been fighting legislation like Los Angeles County’s Measure B.

“If we’re supposed to think this will reduce the spread of STDs, I can’t help but think that the resources spent on this measure and the enforcement of it, if it passes, would be better spent elsewhere. I think we as an industry should give a little on our end and use condoms more often by providing performers a safe environment to choose.”

Advice to Women Thinking About Performing

“Being an adult performer is a job that you can do for one day and have it affect the rest of your life. I would encourage anyone thinking of becoming a performer to consider that as a part of their decision.”

Let me add to that quote that if you are thinking of being a porn blogger, be sure to have plenty of synonyms for “vagina” at your disposal. Also, you should really love alliterations.

Why Didn’t You Want to be My Girlfriend?

She said something about me dressing like Bill Cosby or a “black Woody Allen,” and then I went home to cry.