It actually was one of the more popular posts I have written in a while. Yet, I received a couple of comments by people who assumed that I did not know what I was talking about. It was implied that I was a Facebook novice and that I simply did not know how to reap the benefits of this great way of connecting. So, taking this criticism in stride, I did more research and came up with mixed findings. I have been on Facebook nearly everyday for the last three months.

First, the good news: I now more fully appreciate the value of Facebook and social media in general. It can be soothing to have support when something goes wrong. When I had my iPhone stolen, I posted about this and was surprised and appreciative by how empathic and supportive my friends were. And in a very basic way, it felt good to vent about what happened. Also, I recently posted something humorous about my new Roomba, the robot vacuum, and I was giddy about the number of people who liked what I wrote.

But here’s the bad news and it is kind of harsh—Facebook can be really stressful and replicate the culture of high school.

In my recent travels on Facebook, I found that I could be excessively attached to who likes my posts. When I wrote something that no one commented on, I wondered why. Then I considered that some of my posts are political in nature and may not match the palates of some of my friends. I backed off on political posts, and then started to post stuff from my life, hence my robot vacuum. More people responded, with both likes as well as comments!

But that was not enough for me. Recently, when I had a popular post, I wondered why a particular person did not like it. Perhaps she was mad at me? Or perhaps, she just had too much going on and is busy? But she is on Facebook all of the time! Why would she not notice me?

This is how the craziness begins.

I realized that Facebook is like junior high, high school and even college. The popular kids remain popular and the rest of us are just trying be liked. Remember a precursor to Facebook? Women were judged as being “hot or not.” I feel not hot most of the time. Perhaps these popular friends of mine are gifted with their wit and can engage better than I. How do they have 40 likes when I only have 15? Maybe I am just not cool enough for Facebook.

I also ruminate about how many friends I have. I have one friend who has 1500 Facebook contacts! Why don’t I have more? How are that many friends even possible?

I was in a bout of self-reproach. It reminded me of when I was a teenager wanting to be friends with the popular kids. And even though I am now friends with those I would consider part of the “in-crowd” (and I was in high school too) I never feel good enough, cool enough or anything enough when I am on Fabebook.

Then I realized that I am not the only one that feels this way. A friend posted, “I think I am going to take a break from Facebook.” A friend of hers commented, “I took two weeks off of Facebook and it was the best two weeks of my life.”

More recently, another friend, who I will call John, posted: “As part of my New Year’s introspection I am asking: If a friend makes a controversial post through a news story link, blanket statement, or link to a cutesy meme, does that constitute an invitation to engage in a dialogue or discussion with the intent for both parties to come away with a broader perspective and understanding of the world around them or are we just counting likes this year?”

OMG.

John may be getting to the heart of the matter. It’s true. I pop on and I like things because I feel guilty I am not involved enough. If I take a couple of days off I worry about what I missed and who might be upset with me for not paying attention. The rest of the time I am checking in to see who liked what I posted. How self-centered is that?

Again, I am reminded of high school. I tell the popular girl I like her shoes, when I may or may not think her shoes are cool. But I want her to know I am paying attention, because she may like me back. She may tell me she likes my sweater, or better yet, that she likes me.

What are we doing on Facebook? If something is so stressful (and it seems to be for many people) why do we keep doing it? The answer: Because everyone else is. We also hope that Facebook can be something more than it is. It is just like high school—we are scared of rejection so we imagine that we will make life better by feeling associated with the cool kids. But even if we end up being cool, it is kind of an empty victory. By many people's accounts, the culture of Facebook is just too stressful.

The true gateway to adulthood is being able to distinguish being loved from being admired.

Of course, Facebook offers some real support, but a lot of what happens on the site are simply empty likes, just like John implied. I sometimes wonder, too, why there is not more real discussion, dialogue and debate. My friends are smart and thoughtful and would have great things to say. But I think I know why they hold back. People are so anxious to discuss anything controversial—in other words, to risk being judged—that they just stick to the cute links, or interesting photos or simply liking.

Can we ever get beyond high school? It’s hard when social media pulls us back in time.

I cant believe a person with your credentials could be so emotionally invested in something like this to a point where you are filled with worry, stress, anxiety and tense. Even more shocking, your actually stifling your own posts and in a sense your very own beliefs and ideas to conform to the norm at the risk of being seen as weird, or rude, or controversial.

I never bought into this whole "stress" thing because the vast majority of people dont know what it really means to be stressed. They throw it around situations where its totally uncalled for, much like you have with regard to Facebook. Facebook, its a bloody website! but the way some people carry on towards it, ya'd swear it was some sort of sentient being!

"Someone told me recently that the true gateway to adulthood is being able to distinguish being admired from being loved"

If I could dislike your rude post, I would. Do you even realize how arrogant you come off as? Just a website, not "real stress"? Just because someone else has it worse off than you do, that doesn't mean that your problems mean nothing. You are the one going through them after all.

Something you ought to have known in your teenage years? Sure, teenagers "know" lots of things but at their age and experience level, most cannot yet distinguish between the two and understand the true difference. And I don't think Dr. Greenberg meant that she really didn't know that until now, she just found the correct words to express it. Sure, everyone "knows" the difference, but do they really incorporate it into their being? Many don't.

I think Tamara's article is thoughtful, while your comments are not. People get stressed all the time by seemingly small and inconsequential things, regardless of who they are. What may be a stress trigger to one person may not be to another. Stress is very differently embodied by people.

As someone who is equally very ambivalent about FB ( I hear you, Tamara!) it's good to hear a critique of social media.

Please jump off your soap box. Stress is a primitive situation and it comes from hormones and a need to survive. I know you think you know what stress is like for every person on the planet, but you have to realize two things.

1. You don't know everything
2. Every single person in the world is different from you

I've had stress from being nearly dead, shot at, watched friends die... Facebook still stresses me out, because it's a popularity contest. "It's just a website" is probably the most illogical argument you can make, it holds no value or point of any kind. There are "websites" capable of things like the up-keep of pharmaceutical operations, so you clearly have no clue...

Not everyone has the amazing personality you have to say "I know I'm loved and I don't care what anyone else thinks", even though we practice it every day. Knowing that you are not perfect is part of humanity, and thinking you never care what anyone says or thinks is just a form of denial. Sorry you are human, weather you stuff shit down and pretend or not, it's your life.

Facebook causes real stress because even the alarm clock causes a little real stress. It has nothing to do with some magic answer about adulthood you learned when you were a teenager.

Seemingly intelligent people often loose sight of their own mortality in the light of a 'lesser' being... this comment above is obviously from someone who can only see their own perspective and thus casts judgement and criticism - wow, this is starting to feel like a facebook post.

btw - I agree, feel, and appreciate the article author! thanks for helping a inferiors!

I also write for PT. I thought your readers might enjoy another perspective. In my piece "In Defense of Facebook," I wrote about the role it plays in bringing some people together, particularly those with health problems. I hope you and your readers find it helpful:

I am a fan of your book and suggest it all of the time. I do understand how helpful FB is in illness situations. I was actually defending it myself a couple of weeks ago to a reporter. But it is true that people complain about FB all of the time, so I am trying to express that aspect of it.
Thanks for your comment!

I enjoyed this article and find your assessments of FB to be pretty spot on. As much as people would like to believe (and pretend, to a degree) that they've fully evolved and moved past high school insecurities, they really haven't. I've told my kids numerous times that high school never ends! I've been off FB for 3 years now and I have never once regretted closing my account.

I, too, was kind of surprised you were so invested in what other people thought about what you were posting, or liking on Facebook.. I would think that kind of over awareness of what other people MIGHT be thinking would make trying to use Facebook absolutely stifling.

I can assure you, and other readers, that not all adults who use Facebook are socially micro-scouring it for all the social implications involved like our teenaged brethren. That's not be dishonest and say we don't enjoy having a popular status update, or feel bummed when no one likes something ... But I can't say I worry about WHO in particular likes any given something. I rarely think about it. Nor do I even know my friend count or notice anyone else's.

If Facebook feels like high school, perhaps it reflects the users own unresolved issues from those years. I can certainly see how for many people it could. But likewise, Facebook gives us the opportunity to practice the awareness of the reality that people really and truly don't think about us nearly as much as we think they do. And that awareness can be kind of freeing. Maybe it's OK to post some political things no one likes because you're a grown adult with opinions - and to do so and realize people still like you is a wonderful thing.

I have a vague recollection of writing a slamming response to your initial post from a few months back. I'm happy to see Ms. McClintock (sorry, I can only deal with one last name at a time) took the time to interact with Facebook and learn more rather than continue writing negative posts about the site.

Facebook isn't like High School, Tamara McClintock is like High School. Not everyone is going to like everything you post. It is not necessary to get agreement and "likes" to entertain, write and stretch oneself on Facebook. Sometimes merely the act of writing or posting a picture should be enough for the poster. "Likes" shouldn't be necessary.

This weekend I showed my 80 year old mother Facebook and how it can best be utilized. Just like Ms. McClintock, she assumed it was a place for her friends to gather and read each others' posts. Then I showed her several tricks about utilizing Facebook friends, and she suddenly understood and was intrigued. Facebook is a social network, much more than a tiny group of your current trusted friends. Facebook is not only about your current friends, but who you might wish to know, people you might wish to meet, the people you can meet in a group and who they know. So I would like to make a few suggestions to Tamara McClintock.

1) Get out of your comfort zone and start joining some Facebook groups. If you are interested in clinical psychiatry, and again and illness then join some groups that focus on those subjects. Join your own neighborhood group so you know about the new park or the traffic problems. Write some posts on those group feeds about what you know about these subjects and watch the responses. People that don't know you will agree or disagree, and give you pause for thought because these are their interests too.

2) Make some new friends, lots of new friends. Look at the collections of friends of your current friends. You will notice people you might want to know better. Friend request them, many of them will not friend you back but get over it. If you friend request 100 people, 25 of them might friend you. This, BTW, is why one of your friend has 1500 friends, she's putting herself out there and meeting new people. The more distance someone has from you the more likely they will converse and disagree with you. Facebook is a tremendous opportunity to expand your social circle in a very good way.

3) Stop worrying about the "likes". Sometimes people are busy, sometimes people are tired. Just about everybody will see what you post so it doesn't matter. Write whatever you wish, if you like politics then don't be shy. Some of your new friends from your groups and increased social circle might like your political posts.

I thoroughly enjoyed your article. My wife, Victoria, and I both conduct research as part of our respective positions. While mine is restricted to the military, she relies on social media (SM) to reach different populations. Our discussion after reading your article centered on why would emotionally and intellectually mature people revert to high school type behavior rather than use SM for what it could be, a powerful tool to expand spheres of influence and to increase understanding and overall productivity. Our tangent discussion compared FB to Lord of the Flies.

Kane likes this article.
Kane has sent Tamara a friend request.
Kane and Tamara are now friends.

Seriously though, I have been Facebook free for over a year and have never looked back. Sure, I have lost touch with my old "high school" friends who I never really kept in touch with anyway, but I will always have my close friends and family--and I don't need Facebook for that.

In case anyone was wondering, the best way to quit Facebook is to:
1. Generate a totally random password in your choice of text editor, then "copy"
2. Log into Facebook one last time and change your password
3. "Paste" your new password
4. Close your text editor and obviously don't save the file
5. Reboot (to clear out the password from memory)
6. Keep Calm and be Facebook Free

This comment chain, like Facebook, is like high school. Notice how some people get trashed for voicing their opinion, some are apologetic, some express their insecurity, others claim authority...and none of us really know each other.

Carry on...I won't be back here, nor will you see me on Facebook.

I guess I just got the last word...but I'll never know! What do I do now?!?!