It’s been a while. I think I will start utilizing this outlet more. I have been pretty FB obsessed for a while, therein the drama, or at least some of it, lies.

I started school (AGAIN) in January and really determined to change careers. Working full-time, school full-time and raise Jake. I can do this.

In January, I got into an argument with my mom. We were on the phone and I asked her a question, a reasonable question, she screams at me and hangs up. The issue was that she had wronged Jake and he deserved an apology. She does not apologized. EVER. And it is a trait that my youngest sister inherited from her. Anyway, I don’t talk to my mom for 2 weeks. This is a big deal; I usually talk to my mom and each of my sisters about every other day. Then she calls, says she is making lunch and asks Jake and I to come over. Like nothing ever happened. So we go over and walk in the door. I tell my mom that she has something to say to Jake. She throws a fit about it, but she does apologize to him.

Now on to my younges sister. I don’t even know how it started. Somewhere in the argument she starts ranting about me being friends with her friends on FB and getting mad about me commenting to her friends. Well, “her friends” are kids that I have known for over 15 years. Yes, they are originally her friends, but I have got to know them, their spouses and their kids over the years. Insane and immature was the disagreement. Every time we would try to resolve the issue, I would affirm her complaints. She continually attacked my character when I thought we were attempting to resolve the issue. It was a downward spiral. She would attack my character and I would confront her about it and she would say, “I’m sorry, but…” and what came after negated the apology and was usually another insult or attack to my character. It helped me realize how she really thought of me. Which, upon further analysis, I realized that she was just projecting on to me how she felt about herself.

So both situations are resolved. And I am left thinking, “What, in the past two months, has changed?” My mom and my sisters are all in dissatisfying marriages. The marriage I had (if you want to call it that) was bad. Yet, in some ways, was the best of the four. I got out. I knew I deserved better. Well, I don’t know if I really knew that. I just needed out. And that drove a wedge between my mom and my sisters and me. But in a lot of ways, I was still miserable. Leaving and the divorce were hard on me in the fact that I knew how hard it was on Jake. Someone can hurt me all they want, I am used to it. Mess with my boy?? It is on like Donkey Kong. Now that I am doing well, bettering myself, I think it, well I don’t really know what it does to them. All I know is how they treat me and Jake. Jake is very happy and well adjusted. His dad and I get along-I determined to do that for Jake’s sake-very well, actually. I am moving forward. And for whatever reason, it disrupts my family. The insight I get is from materials that I read at work for the groups I do with the patients. It was divine intervention because this division between me and my family has really bothered me. I want to know what I could do or could have done differently. I analyze it, too much, probably, and I know, looking back, I could have made better choices about certain things. However, the underlying issue is always the same. Any change in the dysfunction sends them haywire. I understand their limitations, as I do my own, and I realized that they are doing the best they can and the best they know how to do. I just wish they could be happy for me.

I have been frequenting the Red Box lately. It is so convenient and cheap! When I go, I know what movie I am looking for usually. If Jake and I are picking out a movie, we may browse the flicks in order to find one we will both enjoy. We never do this if someone is waiting, though. Twice this week I have gone to the Red Box-once to return a movie and another time to rent one. Both times someone is browsing the movies for several minutes. Annoying. Then, today, I knew exactly what I wanted. I walk in and this guy is standing there with his kid browsing titles. He finally picks a movie. Then he goes back to browsing for several minutes. And picks another flick. He pushes the “Checkout” button and the screen comes up for him to swipe his card. And guess what? He doesn’t have his wallet with him! And there was no way to go back to the main screen. Finally it goes back to the main screen and it took me a total of about 30 seconds to get the movie I wanted and be out the door. Petty? Probably. Still, it is extremely annoying. Kind of like people who still write checks in stores.

Funny thing. For a couple of years, I have not felt confident in myself, nor have I felt that I was attractive. To anyone, let alone men. All I hear (or let myself hear) is how men want skinny women and perfect women. It is everywhere-movies, magazines, on the street. I am not skinny. Nor am I perfect. Not. Even. Close. Certainly, though, I ought to be good enough for someone. A man to whom I am mutually attracted. Surely, that has to exist.

Then, last week, I kept asking God to send that man, the one who finds me attractive. Me and my body type and cellulite and all. And I found him. Or he found me. And let me just tell you, not what I expected. At all. He is cute. VERY CUTE. With full sleeves on both arms. The thing about tattoos? I am usually repulsed by them and would not give a man with tattoos a second look. Yet, on this fellow, I found I actually liked them. We talked for awhile and he told me that he was 24. Years. Old. I have not dated anyone more than a couple years younger than me. If I wasn’t going to judge him for the tattoos, then I certainly wasn’t going to let age get in the way. Besides, he is adorable. We went out the next night. Then I realized, fully, that he was not the sharpest tool in the shed. A tool, yes. Sharp. Not even a little bit. Then he shows me his myspace. And, oh how tacky it is. I won’t even go into it. He shows me his ex-girlfriend. And I see that his age is….twenty two. And there were more lies that just age, which is quite significant. I am glad that I have the proof of his myspace, or no one would believe this story.

I found that during our conversations, the most common response from him was a blank stare. I do not claim to be super intelligent. I am a college graduate and have a decent vocabulary. I dumbed myself down for the ex and that is something I refuse to do again. Also, I found myself being too maternal around him. Maybe because is closer to my son’s age than to mine. Ha.

His IQ score was surpassed only by the number of tattoos on his body. And though he is adorable and into me, I need a man with a brain. A brain that he chooses to use. I think that God is just telling me to keep my mind open…that I never know what is around the corner. And the next time I ask God to send a man who is attracted to me? I will be much more specific.

Well, it is almost the end of the school year and one of my jobs will go on a 10-week hiatus. Thank God. I love my job and am really good at it, if I don’t say so myself. I can only imagine that this is not somewhere that God wants me to be since I have been faced with stronger and stronger animosity as the year comes to a close. I do not want to leave this job. The hours are perfect, the location is perfect and I really do love what I do. It may be time to move on. Fortunately, I have some time to explore other options this summer. If I find something more lucrative, great, if not, then I will enjoy what I have.

I am trying to stay positive and upbeat…when I really want to know how many knives are in my back. I am unable to see them, but I know there is more than one, probably more like 4 or 5. Along with knives, a few folks give them a twist from time to time for good measure.

As a parent, I desire to expose Jake to a variety of experiences. I feel that I have done well, as he is well rounded and intelligent, though there is one experience that has been out of our world. WWE. It most likely would remain out of our realm, except, for his birthday, my nephew received 4 tickets to the WWE Raw (still I have no idea what that means. My sister tried to explain it. All I heard was “blah, blah, Monday night, blah, blah). So my nephew wants to take Jake. And that leaves two tickets and no one wants to claim them. My sis decides to go and I concede as well. At least the people watching: you KNOW that will be good. I will have camera in hand. And I’ll be counting the mullets…one, two, three….eight hundred twenty-four. Wish me luck.

Never in a million years would I have EVER thought I would be attending such an event, let alone taking my son. Here goes nuthin’.

I was reading this article about how to stop overeating, and was taking in the info just fine until I read the nutrition professor’s name. Linda Bacon. Then, all I could think about was crispy, delicious bacon. And how much I love, love, love a delicious breakfast. I don’t know if it’s some kind of dirty thick, but after reading this, I was less concerned about overeating and more concerned with how hungry I was.

Which reminds me of a story: I babysat for some friends on Saturday. When they Came home, the wife stumbled into the house and went straight to bed (read: passed out). Apparently she and her husband had been fighting all evening-she was mad at him for something or other. Their friends were there, discussing the fight and how husband ought to go about fixing said problem. Husband’s friend suggested that he make breakfast for wife. He was skeptical, but I said, “Nothing says ‘I’m sorry’ like waking up to the smell of sizzling bacon.” He laughed and said that he wished that I was his wife. Ha! Not a chance.