Understanding through the written context

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I love music. I mean, who doesn’t. I typically have it on all the time. I even bought a portable Bose speaker because I wanted quality and portability.

Anyway, aside from that, this song is beautiful. I have listened to this song many times before, and I love signing it. Recently, though, I feel more connected to this song. As I hear the words in this song, and listen to the melody, I am reminded of how I feel. I know these words well…

In this past week, I have realized something important. Something I already kind of mentioned. I am not in control – God is. He is the one that knows every part of my mind, heart, and soul. He knows what’s ahead, and there is nothing I can do about the future. I can, however, follow where I hear God leading me. When I let the Holy Spirit really guide my heart, I have a genuine calm that covers me. I feel at peace, and I have an undeniable trust in the Lord. No doubts. No fear. No matter what.

That’s how I feel right now.

In this song, I love all the lyrics, but I particularly love when he sings this:

“I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I’ll share with you…heaven brought you to this moment, it’s to wonderful to speak…you’re worth all of me…”

In this moment, I feel this. I know God has it all under control and I am truly at peace with what is to come.

So, yesterday was a rough day in the household of us (my husband and I). We had a very intense argument that lead to a deeper part of us. After being slightly irrational (on both parts), we finally started talking…and actually listening.

I love my husband very much. I am often reminded of how uniquely perfect he is for me. I’m not saying he is perfect, but he is definitely my match. I am not proud of the way we have treated each other over the years, because we have been unbelievably awful and uncharacteristically evil. We not only got married young, but we have also had a number of overwhelming situations come into our lives (not that anyone else in the world hasn’t had that). But being young and stupid AND MARRIED, really did a number on us. I mean, some days I feel like we have been married for 20 years! Not only that, but we each brought an immense about of emotional baggage (and suppressed feelings) along for the ride…

The reason why I am sharing this song, specifically, is because it represents how I feel about mine and Adam’s relationship, at this point. We are about to celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary this May, and up until yesterday, I was feeling very detached from my husband. Like I have mentioned, over and over again, we are coming out of a rather rough year. We are not unfamiliar in this area, but this past year encompassed more than just us. It was a mental breakdown that involved all the loved ones around us. As we argued yesterday, things were brought up that shook us both. We even mentioned the “D” word…yes, I know…don’t judge. We are not pursuing that, so don’t worry, but I realized yesterday that it’s not just me that’s lost, he is too. We are lost with each other because we are both changing. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing, we just have to continue to seek guidance and acclimate to how our life and relationship is shifting. Neither of us want to spend the next 5, 10, 80 years just cycling around this same pond. We need to keep moving and growing with each other. Like this song sings:

“For this dance we’ll move with each other. There ain’t no other step than one foot, Right in front of the other.

There’s so many wars we fought, There’s so many things we’re not, But with what we have, I promise you that, We’re marching on…”

My husband and I know that we need God to be the main presence in our lives together, but we need help doing that. We have taken our focus off of Him, and selfishly dwell in our lives, trying to problem solve on our own. We know we can’t accomplish anything without Him, but we also know that we can’t even begin to refocus on Him, unless someone literally helps direct us. So, as a couple, we have decided to take that first step forward and have a third party (MC) sit down with us. Who knows how long we will do this, but all I know is that this is the healthiest decision we can make right now, and we’re going for it…