***** EX ***** UGH!!! need to vent!

I am so stinking mad at my -ex right now I could scream! Yeah, there's no longer a "d" in front of him....maybe an "s" for or an "i" for Ig!!!

So he makes the 2 hour drive to see his boys today, doesn't get here until after 2:00 p.m. We go out to the museum and a festival downtown which was cool, we come back to our house and he sits........and sits......and sits.....on the couch......not interacting at all with the kids.....for 1 1/2 hours! It's now 7:30, the time difficult child 2 starts getting really sleepy and clingy...and Ex decides this is the appropriate time to discuss when the boys might get to come and stay at his house again.
(short history, ex's wife has been hitting the boys, screams, throws things, threatens, etc...)

I try to accomodate his need to talk until difficult child 2 plops on my lap for some comfort which I am happy to give......difficult child 2 asks dad if he can read him a book, dad says "not until you put your jammas on"....well difficult child 2 gets upset, it goes on for 20 minutes or so and by the end the poor kid is so exhausted he wants absolutely nothing to do with his father and crawls into my bed and crashes.

Now difficult child 1 and easy child are in the room and EX continues on, only louder and in a condesending voice...I tell him this is not an appropriate time for this and if he doesn't stop, he'll have to leave.....well, he didn't stop and wouldn't stop so he's ranting and raving in front of the kids. I tell him to put his shoes on and leave or I'm calling the cops....then of course the blame is all on me, it's all my fault, he has to trust me therefore I should trust him, yadda yadda yadda....

I kick him out, now difficult child 1 is upset again and I am just fired up!!! I think I need a lawyer...I have no money, at all! We have joint custody, and I have physical custody.

I mean he supposedly came here to spend the day with his boys, but couldn't let it be that....never did let the book be read to him....what a total %$#

I am just so sorry that your family has suffered so much. I really hope you find a way to protect your kids to the extent that you can. You are in a very difficult situation. Don't forget to take good care of mom too. Hugs, ML

Hi there & Hugs. I'm sorry I missed this but wanted to let you know that while your xdh is whatever he is mine doesn't even rate that much - he is just lower case x. If he could be a blot on the screen that's what he'd be, but for argument sake I have to call him something so I chose what I felt was the lowest form of recognition. That being small x.

I have a few questions/suggestions/observations -

First of all - the sitting on the couch for 1 1/2 hours - um....I would have gone in and said "Okay boys Daddy is leaving say goodbye." and left him go home. You can't make a father love their kids or force or guilt him into staying longer and doing things that YOU thought he should do because he hasn't seen them in such a while. Forget shoulda woulda coulda. I would have said "Well thanks for a great time at the museum." and handed him his coat. You're not giving him an out- you're making use of YOUR valuable time and that should NOT have to include babysitting a sulking ex, waiting on the couch for 1 1/2 hours for YOU to come up with the next child/dad activity. If he can't think of something on his own? Fine - there's the door.

Planning the outings when it's totally up to your x should be left up to him. You don't need to go along. You should use that time for YOU.

As far as you sitting down to talk to your x and your son plopping in your lap. No maam. That was time that you needed to talk to your ex and a nice redirect could have been given to your son like "Oh I love to hug you-right now (set child on floor) I need 15 minutes to talk to Daddy and then I'm all yours for cuddling ." No buts, no apologies - just fact.

As far as the x's wife hitting your boys. Have you documented this behavior with the courts? Have you made out an incident report based on the kids telling you what is going on when they are alone with her? If not - why? Until you start documenting some of her behaviors - you aren't going to get custody with supervision or sole custody. Courts/police need evidence to substantiate your claims in court.

What would have possibly eliminated a total meltdown? Not using the words NOT UNTIL. Instead he could have said "I'll make a deal with you go pick up all your dirty clothes, put your toys in the toy box, make your bed, and pick up the trash and then I'll read a book to you." When you tell a child to go clean his room - he's clueless. If you start out by giving them a few (3 -4) chores to complete and accomplish then give them a reward it seems to them like OH - I can do those 4 things and then I get a reward.
Think of it like - if someone told us to go clean the barn. I may have a clue - but if someone gave me a list of explaining the tasks that I had to do, I could work better and as I get stuff on the list accomplished it makes the task seem more manageable - I can see an end in sight kinda logic.

As far as saying I'm calling the police in front of your kids? That only serves to scare them further than they are. You started off good by telling him if he didn't calm down he'd have to go - and then I would have just walked over to the door - opened it -pointed and said NOTHING - after you say If you don't calm down you're going to have to leave - you already stated what would happen - Either he calms down or leaves. He didn't choose a or b - he chose C - To stay and keep on. So then you have to dole out another verbal message - and it wasnt' necessary - The message was clear - Either behave or Leave - then show him the door. If he doesn't leave then, you pick up the phone and call the cops - don't threaten him with that - don't scare the kids with it - JUST CALL - If they show up after he's left - fine - problem solved. If you are that scared of him -then you need to get some counseling and advice through a womens shelter. You don't have to go there - you can call. The first inside cover of most phone books have the 1-800 domestic abuse hot line.

Oh and as far as him bantering on and on about who's fault it is? What do you care? You are going to be at fault for EVERYTHING in his skewed line of thinking - so you're really better off to just open the door- And point...you don't even need to say GET OUT.

When he leaves - there is no explaination due to your children. If they ask and you feel compelled to answer you simply say "When Daddy can play by the rules he can stay longer." Personally? I would find a mutual place to meet and never let him back in my home again.

I really think you should call a womens shelter and talk to someone there about how they can assist you. Remember this is your first rodeo - it's their 10,o00th....I think they know how to give good advice. - try it.

With arguments/discussion in front of the kids - not good. We had one last week with easy child 2/difficult child 2 screaming at difficult child 3 when he should not have been distracted from his schoolwork. I sent him to do his work in my bedroom, then that left me free to tell her why she was in the wrong. I wouldn't undermine her in front of difficult child 3, but nor would I have gotten anywhere with him still in the room and getting more upset by it all.

If you had sent your boys out of the room (invent a task, an errand maybe) then you would have been freer to say to EX, "You're supposed to be here to spend quality time with your children, sniping at me or them is not what it's supposed to be about. If you can't do this right, then don't disrupt them."

Your kids shouldn't hear this. If you and he were still married, I would say the same thing - have discussions about how to parent, NOT in earshot of the kids.

EX started this by wanting to talk about when the kids were to come and stay at his house again. That is NOT a discussion to have in front of the kids - if they learn that his partner hitting them is useful ammunition, they will learn to manipulate you both. it is at that point I would have said to EX, "Hang on a sec, I'll just settle the kids in the bath and then we can talk more privately."

Never disrupt your evening routine for visitors. If the kids are due for bath, or dinner, or bed - then X can pitch in and help. Or put up with their absence while they follow their routine.

Personally, I wouldn't have tolerated him sitting on the couch for so long unless he was interacting with the kids. Sitting there watching a football match on TV (or whatever he was doing) oblivious to the kids would have had me suggesting he go home to watch it.

EX laying down the law to difficult child 2 - it shouldn't have escalated. At the first sign of problems I would have marched difficult child 2 out of the room and left EX on his own. Maybe you could have got difficult child 2 into his pyjamas and then returned with him. I do wonder if EX said that so difficult child 2 would leave the room so EX could talk more freely. Was EX brushing difficult child 2 aside while talking to you? Kids need to know that parents sometimes need to discuss grown-up stuff, and they need to respect this and wait. They're more likely to respect this if they are kept in the loop, it's explained that for the next ten minutes mummy and daddy need some privacy while they talk, but after that he can have the cuddle and book read. "In the meantime, son - why not get your pyjamas on? Then you can enjoy the snuggle more, right before bedtime."

There are ways, and there are ways. Always keep in mind - what is the easiest and fastest way to get them to do what I want? Surprisingly, it generally is NOT nagging, or ordering.

I can totally relate! I call my ex "the bonehead". There are a lot worse things I could say, but it seems to fit!

It's all about boundries. Unless you feel your children are not safe with the ex, why are you going along on their outings? Bio should be left to develop his relationship with his children on his own. This is the big beef I have with bonehead. I will actually arrange the outing, othwise his idea of seeing his kids is coming over here for 20 or 30 minutes, but I never tag along.

Do you have actual proof of his wife's abuse on your children? So they don't go to dad's anymore? I think it's sometimes hard for kids to "foster" a relationship with one parent when they are in the presence of another parent. They kinda need time alone to develop some kind of relationship. Don't really know about your situation, but in mine, bonehead thinks that if he provides financially everything is "hunky dorey". But in the end, he will pay for his lack of committment to developing a relationship with his children.