I chronicle nonsense, mostly about the news, sometimes about pop culture. If you don't think it's nonsensical, then yell at me in the comments.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

#WookieLivesMatter: Star Wars Synopsis of Episodes I-VI

This is primarily for my friend Lindsey who needed a quick refresher before she sees "The Force Awakens", but if anyone else needs a primer, please read on.

UPDATE: Like George Lucas before me, I edited and added parts of this recollection to make it better. Don't worry; Han still shot first.

EPISODE I: THE PHANTOM MENACEThere’s a republic of racist
stereotype aliens who meet at a weird beehive of a senate house. They want to
do a space-NAFTA deal with Amphibians who are also East Asian caricatures. Liam
Neeson and Obi-Wan go to help negotiate Space-NAFTA with the Asian Amphibians. Some
asshole in the Senate sends someone to kill them, but you can’t kill
motherfucking Liam Neeson. During the ambush, they save Floppy Frog Buckwheat,
who is every buffoonish black stereotype of the 1920s with gills. Everyone
hates him, except for idiots. If this were Disney, they'd spend their days teaching Dumbo how to fly or telling cute stories about Br'er Rabbit to their child white masters. Frogwheat guides them to his
submarine hometown, and to everyone’s horros, there is a whole nation of Frogwheats. They go back to the surface and meet Queen Natalie Portman,
and she joins them on a trip to Tatooine, where meets a young child who will
eventually be a mass murderer, but at this time is allowed to enter a high
speed drag race involving rockets and junkyard scrap. Also, she and Pod Racing
Kid are probably going to do it, once he’s legal. He also has a pet droid. Some
red dude with the coolest light saber tries to kill Liam Neeson and kidnap
Queen Natalie Portman, but he’s Liam Motherfucking Neeson. Had he watched “Taken”
or “Taken 2” or “Taken 3: Let’s Just Admit I’m Worse Than the ‘Home Alone’
Parents”, he’d know that Liam Neeson doesn’t play murder or kidnapping…except,
like, three times. Queen Natalie Portman
goes to Beehive Congress and talks shit on Space-NAFTA, and then goes home to
convince the Underwater Minstrel Show to unite against Space-NAFTA, who
apparently have an army of droids. Frogwheat leads the Underwater
Minstrel Show against the droid army. The red dude with the coolest light saber
fights Liam Neeson and Obi-Wan Kenobi, and he actually kills Liam Neeson. He is
the only person to kill Liam Neeson in a movie in the last 30 years. Look it
up. Obi-wan cuts red dude in half, but doesn’t take his cool-ass light saber.
He decides to train Pod-Racing Kid because he has a lot of Force in him, which
we learn is essentially a goddamn blood disorder. The black Jedi in the movie didn’t
die first, as the black community feared most.

EPISODE II: ATTACK OF THE CLONES (...not as good as "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes")It’s ten years later, and the only
person who has aged is Pod Racing Kid. He’s still being trained to be a Jedi by Obi-Wan
Kenobi, who doesn’t have the heart to tell him that his rat tail makes him look
like a space redneck. He is somehow now close in age to Queen Natalie Portman,
who is now Senator Natalie Portman, and he apparently has game, because he
straight up started macking on her, and she is feeling it. His blood disorder,
the Force, tells him that his mom might be in trouble, so they both travel to Tatooine
to see what’s happening. She was kidnapped and tortured by spiky-football head
people. Pod Racing Kid kills a whole town of them like it’s nothing. Senator
Natalie Portman doesn’t see this as a red flag. Shady stuff is happening
everywhere. The mystique of the coolest bounty hunter is pissed upon when you
find out it’s just a clone of one dude who kind of looks like Skinny Rock.
There’s some fighting between some droids and some clones. Pod Racing Kid gets
his arm chopped off, so now he needs a robot arm. Yoda shows he’s got crazy bow
staff skills. Again, the black Jedi didn’t die first, much to everyone’s relief.

CLONE WARS: Cartoon. Look it up. It’s dope.

EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITHThere’s a full-on civil war
happening. That Pod Racing Kid (who finally got rid of that rat tail) decapitates
a bad guy within about 30 minutes of the movie. He and Senator Natalie Portman
are totally doing it. She’s knocked up, because either there are no space condoms or the Jedi Order forbids birth control or Beehive Congress defunded Space Planned Parenthood. Pod-racing kid is a
borderline bro-dude, and is teetering between being chill Dove For Men and
going full-on Axe Body Spray. Some shady stuff goes on. The black Jedi finally
dies. I cried. There’s a Godfather style montage of all the Jedis being killed.
Pod-Racing Kid goes full-on Axe Body Spray and kills a bunch of kids. Obi-Wan
is attacked by an electric spider lizard guy, but he kills him. Yoda isn’t
having any of this getting killed shit. Senator Natalie Portman dies while
giving birth to twins, and seems to just pull some names out of her ass just
before dying. Obi-Wan fights Pod-Racing Kid near a river of lava, and chops of
his limbs, so he’s kind of a burning baked potato, but he didn’t finish the
job. Obi-Wan takes the twins that Dead Natalie
Portman had and gives the brother to Dead Natalie Portman’s stepfamily on a
desert farm, and the sister to Senator Jimmy Smits. Pod Racing Potato is now a
superhuman robot Darth Potato. The Beehive Congress is dissolved, and it’s now
the Empire.

EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPEAll Bad Everything. There’s a ship
that looks like a moon. Darth Potato tortures Princess Leia with a weird ball
that would make the people at Kink.com cringe. After that, he makes her watch
as he blows up her planet. This is extra fucked up, because he’s definitely her
dad. This is terrible parenting. Is there no CPS in the Empire? Meanwhile, those droids that were Pod-Racing
Kid’s buddies are schlepping through the desert and meet Luke. They all meet
Obi-Wan, and they see that somebody roasted Luke’s aunt and uncle, so they get
the hell off the desert planet, but not before HAN SHOOTS FIRST. Also, there’s
a dude who looks like if Cousin It and a cocker spaniel banged. His name is
Chewbacca, and I’ll bet he sheds like a motherfucker. He’s so hairy that he can
walk around with absolutely no clothes on. While on Han Solo’s ship, Obi-wan
gives Luke the light saber that his father used to kill a bunch of kids, but he
doesn’t tell him that part, or that he turned his dad into an evil potato
without so much as a mercy kill. All of them go to the Death Star to rescue
Leia. Leia is disappointed that Luke looks short in his storm trooper outfit.
They jump into a garbage pit and get attacked by a monster. Then they escape,
but not before Obi-Wan is killed by Darth Potato. After seeing what he did to
Darth Potato, you have mixed feelings about his death. One on side, Darth
Potato is totally full-on Axe Body Spray evil. On the other, Obi-Wan totally
turned him into a wailing potato 20 years earlier, and had he finished the job,
a lot of the entire movie probably would not have happened. Luke is sadder about
the dude he just met about a day earlier, and is too self-absorbed to see how Leia
is doing since her ENTIRE PLANET WAS BLOWN UP. They regroup, and a fleet of
pilots and Luke, who for some reason just knows how to fly a fighter jet even
though he’s been farming in a desert all his life, go to play an Atari game
that blows up the Death Star. Everybody gets a medal for that, except for
Chewbacca. #WookieLivesMatter.

EPISODE V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACKLeia kisses Luke which is awkward
after you see Episode VI. However, Han and Leia are totally doing it. [INSERT "I'll bet Han Shoots First" SEXUAL JOKE HERE] Shit gets
real. Rebels are holed up on a planet called Hoth, but they should call it
Coldth, because it’s frozen. Luke is stuck scouting an asteroid shower, and
some dumb looking ox-yeti comes from out of nowhere and ambushes him. Luke
kills him, but it still lost in icy wasteland. It’s probably hallucination, but
he totally sees Ghost Obi-Wan, who tells him to find Yoda and learn how to not
be a useless asshole. Then his giraffe-raptor dies, and Han finds them and cuts
it open and puts him in it for warmth. The asteroid shower turns out to be an
Imperial probe, and now Empire deploys giant robot elephants that are
vulnerable to tiny strings. The Main Characters® escape Coldth to an asteroid
field where they hide in a hole in a crater. It turns out it’s really a giant
worm’s mouth with bat parasites. Meanwhile, Darth Potato is super into choking
people. It makes sense, with the black leather and stuff. He doesn’t respect
people’s safe words, though. Anyway, Luke decides to believe Ghost Obi-Wan and
look for the Muppet who is going to train him to be a badass. It’s Yoda! He
hazes the hell out of Luke and takes his food. Then he makes him walk into a psychadelic
tree, but it’s not a cool unicorns and rainbows trip in the tree. It’s a bad
trip, like when you take shrooms and then watch a found footage horror flick at
night in a creaky house during a windstorm. The rest of the crew goes to Cloud
City, and there’s another black dude in the galaxy, and he likes Colt 45. He
was Han’s college buddy at Tatooine U. (The Fightin’ Jawas!), but now he ain’t
nothin’ but a snitch and helps Darth Potato trap them, and the coolest bounty
hunter turns Han into a Hansicle. Just before the freezing, Leia says, “I love
you”, and Han is all, “Whatevs”. Colt 45 gets ripped off by Darth Potato,
because snitches get stitches. He decides to help Leia and Chewbacca and the
droids. Luke leaves his hazing and fights Darth Potato. Darth chops off his
hand and THEN tells him he’s his dad. Darth Potato seriously needs to pick up a Dr. Spock
parenting book, because he is terrible at being a father. I mean, my dad left before
I was gone, but he never blew up my house or chopped off my hand! Luke falls,
like, 200 feet and lives somehow. He gets picked up by Leia and Colt 45 and
Chewbacca in the Millennium Falcon, which I used to call Aluminum Falcon when I
was a kid. What the hell kid can say “aluminum” but have trouble with “millennium”?
Of course, I also said “pasghetti”, so maybe I shouldn’t be too hard in myself.
The Millenium Falcon has spare robot hands laying around, so Luke gets a robot
hand for his new stump. The movie ends, and everybody’s like, “WTF?”

EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE JEDIAll Bad Everything: New Death Star
is under construction. Inexplicably, there are tremendous parts that are
exposed, but no construction workers are dying from exposure to the vacuum of
space. You find out it’s because a force field is encasing it. Hansicle is on
Tatooine in the living room of Rush Limbaugh’s Soft Shitty Body. Rushbaugh-Shitbod runs a weird racketeering and slave cartel and
regularly has green women dance until a boob pops out (Google Oola nip slip),
and then he drops them through a trap door to get eaten by a giant leather
monkey. He is totally doing BDSM culture all wrong, and he has no regard for
consent. The Main Characters® have a plan to rescue Hansicle. Colt 45 is
undercover. Leia wears a robot weasel mask and tries to rescue Han, but is
caught and is made to wear a costume that nerds everywhere will masturbating to
for years. Luke and the droids show up. All of a sudden, Luke thinks he’s a
badass because he’s got a new robot hand. He gets dropped into the pit and he kills
Rushbaugh-Shitbod’s giant leather monkey. Rushbaugh-Shitbod throws a fit and decides to throw everyone into a Sarlacc pit,
which is essentially a giant version of that female condom with the teeth in it
(Google Rapex Condom). Luke does some force shit, Leia chokes Rushbaugh-Shitbod to death (which he was probably into, like David Carradine),
and they escape to the rebel base, led by an anthropomorphic squid/lobster.
Meanwhile, Luke goes back to Dagobah to get more hazing by Muppet Yoda, but
Muppet Yoda is dying. Before he fades to nothing, he tells Luke he’s got a
sibling. It’s Leia, so now he needs to live with the fact that his own sister
stuck her tongue down his throat back in Episode V. Han Solo goes to a moon full of murderous teddy bears to destroy the shield generator that is
protecting the Death Half-Star, and they’re ambushed by the Empire and the
teddy bears. They escape the Empire, but those bears are hungry. They think
that C3PO is a god, and they like Leia because she can braid hair. They were
going to eat Han, but Luke uses the Force to make C3PO look more god-like,
because the murderous teddy bears are sheep. They ally with The Main Characters®
to fight the Empire on Murderous Teddy Bear moon. Luke goes to meet Darth
Potato, and Han fights the Empire on Teddy Bear Moon, and Colt 45 preps to
attack the Death Half-Star under guidance of the anthropomorphic squid/lobster,
who is rightfully scared of traps. Luke meets the Emperor who has not aged well
at all, and he fights his dad yet again while the Emperor masturbates. Luke
chops off Darth Potato's right hand and realizes he has a robot hand too! He
doesn’t kill him, though, so the Emperor uses his magic static shock to try to
kill Luke. Darth Potato isn’t having that and finally does a good thing as a
father. He throws the Emperor into a pit, and he actually dies. Colt 45
succeeds in blowing up the Death Half-Star, but not before Luke can have a
heart-to-heart with his dying potato dad. Han wins on Teddy Bear Planet.
Everybody is happy; the murderous teddy bears are happy, the squid/lobster is
happy, the Main Characters® are happy. It’s a super happy ending, except for
Chewbacca. He never got didn’t get his damn medal.