Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

How to even begin........

I’ve been married to my wife for 11 years and have two children that mean the world to me. Years ago I discovered an affair, of course she lied and denied the affair and I was ignorant enough to allow her to. In October 2016 I finally talked to the man I had suspected her of having an affair with years prior and had enough information about it all to where she couldn’t deny the affair. The confession, after three years of adamant denial, started off pretty much admitting to the affair. She didn’t offer any answer to why, what she was attracted to, or when it started. I know when it stopped, the day I found a picture of her and him laying in his bed together in her email. After 6 weeks or so the answers started to take a turn towards how she didn’t even want to have the affair, he basically drugged her and raped her, then manipulated her into the affair. I know without a doubt the affair lasted 12+ months and she went and spent weekends away with him and took our children to meet his mother. The infidelity itself doesn’t matter to me anymore, it’s the emotional damage and manipulations that do, the abuse is never okay. But I do wonder, how likely is it that this really occurred? That he drugged and raped my wife and then was able to manipulate her into a full blown affair, or is it just that she went down that route to escape in a manner of speaking the responsibility for her own decisions and actions? I’ve told her that if that was the case she has a moral obligation to speak to the authorities, our pastor even knows our local DA personally and could set a meeting up. She’s obviously adamantly against this idea, which just raises the question, was it that or was it just an affair plain and simple and now she doesn’t want to take the accountability for it.

Do you think it’s fair for me to try to talk to her about it? And just let her know why I don’t believe her. I’m a very analytical person, that’s a huge part of my job and the data just doesn’t add up. From a “let’s distance emotions” standpoint I think it’s clearly fair to say that since she has adamantly objected to ever speaking with the police or a district attorney, which would be the morally correct thing to do since no woman should be raped to leave him free and clear would just mean he might do it agin, means to me she refuses to take action on her explaination. To me words, stories, explanations are one thing, but actions are another. Of course we got into a fight Friday night and suddenly because I had a conversation with a friend from high school about her divorce she found it okay to say that she was started to get the courage up but now can’t because I’m not going to fully support her or focus on her needs if she did. To me that’s just putting the “blame” on me..... .yet again.

So about the STD test, I did ask her to take one. She said that she already had when she had a hysterectomy after the affair had stopped. Does anybody know if an STD test is usually part of that, I wouldn’t imagine that it would have any impact on them removing reproductive organs and therefor not a test they’d even require. If that’s true then I really do want her to take one. As far as the lie detector test goes I’m fully aware they’re a good investigative tool but not admissible in court since they’re not fully reliable. Would I be a complete asshole if I told her that I wanted her to take one?

Yes, but what I am looking for is how to address appropriately the explaination. If we stay together or not there still appears to be a significant potential impact on my children. Yes, no matter what she chose to see this man. However, if she is claiming assault I feel that as her husband I have a responsibility to support her. That support to me however comes with the requirement that she acts appropriately in the situation.

What if what she says is true, and as a husband I’ve refused to accept all together that it may have occurred that way.

How do I approach a conversation that at its core basically says, “hey if this is what happened we WILL do a, b, c.” If she isn’t willing to pursue the correct action against him, then I’ll have to accept that the story is falsehood. A story made up to shift away blame and can it up in a nice neatly packaged “do not open” container.

Is it common for women who commit infidelity to lie about rape to avoid responsibility? That’s what I’m looking for.

Do you want more precise details of what their affair (or the rape/blackmail, if that's true) entailed? If she's lying, good luck getting the truth because anyone that will make up a story like that has some deep-seeded issues. If she was raped, you can't just expect her to spill those details even if you are her husband, and you cannot dictate whether or not she reports her rapist to the authorities. Sexual assault is devastating and sometimes the survivor never feels up to bringing their abuser to justice. That doesn't mean they don't want justice, its just too traumatic for some people to relive it.

Either way, you can't force her to do or say anything she isn't ready to. If you want answers and have the funds, maybe you could have him investigated? If he did drug and rape her, its likely she isn't his only victim.

I suspect your children are already affected by this as its been a part of your lives for years. I wish you peace with whatever turns out to be the truth.

Thank you for your input on it. And I’ve contemplated how difficult it would be for her, and I know she has mentioned that as part of the reason she doens’t want to pursue any action about it. The part that really holds me back from being able to accept that as the reality is the 12+ months of going and spending weekends away with him, befriending his mother, taking them parts of our Thanksgiving dinner one year. Those things indicate to me that this wasn’t as traumatic as I would even like to believe it was for her. It the experience was debilitating to her with the trauma it caused, I can’t see her keeping a relationship with him for over a year behind my back that easily. Eventually I would have assumed the “trauma” of it all would have broken her and she would have ended it, the easiest way would have been to speak with her husband and not have to go see him anymore. The truth is that it only stopped once I discovered it, and she wasn’t honest about it until she had no choice but to be. I can see her not wanting to just up and tell me about it, but I can’t see denying it for over three years if it was assault.

Just a really crappy situation to process and understand all around. We’ve done some counseling sessions together and the therapist and our Pastor have even told her that if that’s true she has a moral obligation to do what is right and speak to someone. Ugh, just seems to be no clear way around it.

Sadly that’s how I feel about it. If it was really that then my wife might need a lot of professional help, I just can’t see any woman allowing that to be a situation she continued to live in knowing that she had another option. She claims she didn’t want to tell me and through about it time and time again, but ultimately she knew I’d react and go after the guy. While maybe that’s true, it’s also a little questionable. Throughout our marriage time and time again she’s been able to manipulate and abuse me, and pushing the “reason” why she couldn’t tell me to being because of me just seems like a “hey the reason I couldn’t tell you is your fault”. It’s caused me to really sit and think about what I did to ever show her that I would react in a way that meant she couldn’t tell me. If you’ve been assaulted and this dude is using it to blackmail you then hell yea as a husband him and I are going to have a little conversation, but it would likely be with him safe behind bars first. When my wife got home the night she claims to be drugged and raped my first thought woud not have been “let me go after this guy” it would have been “okay what is the correct way to take care of my wife” which would have been a hospital visit, rape kit, and a conversation with the police.

Please read my post "welcome to the newly betrayed". First, YOU get STD tested. Do not have sex with her. She should get tested too, but that's on her. And no, STD testing is NOT part of a hysterectomy pre-op, post-op or any kind of op. I've had the surgery. The rape is a lie IMHO. One does not get raped and go on to have an affair willingly with their rapist. First hand knowledge here too. She is using the rape to blame shift what was a willing participation in adultery. The only "acceptable" excuse to you, if found out. Cunning.

here's reality, she choose to suck his cock and fuck him.
for whatever reason the two them haven't decided to run off together.
you don't know if sh's still fucking him.
you don't know if she's fucking some other guy.

you know that she's been feeding you a big pile of bullshit.
you don't like the after taste.

get tested for stds
get all of her passwords, if she balks, you better run to a divorce attorney
if she gives you access to all, are you prepared to divorce, reconcile if it's ugly truth? same if it is good truth?

I would like to reconcile, we have our two kids together and family means the world to me. I am willing to understand it’s all a lie and just want her to come clean. Tonight we got to have a great argument about how me asking a girl I knew growing up on FB how hard her divorce was on her kids was wrong, and apparently I have to notify her of every conversation I have and the only “therapy” I’m allowed is the methods she approves. I think it’s logical, acceptable, and normal for someone like me to talk to other people and get an idea of their own experiences. Apparently now she has to decide if she is willing to stay together if I’m going to talk to anybody (guess that’s a negative on support groups) that she doesn’t approve of. Just seems like a really great isolation tactic on top of everything else. I have made my own mistakes, sure have. I got on Hot or Not and Tender after I found out for the attention. Was it “right” no not at all I’m still a married man, but the desire for “acceptance” is a pretty clear cut phase in healing isn’t it? And it seems a lot less authentic coming from her especially when she ignored how her going out with “friends” I wasn’t allowed to meet made me feel add on top that after she flirted in text with the car salesman I bought her three cars from I decided to grow my first beard, and when I did she asked “are you just going to let yourself go”

Oh and I’ve scheduled an appointment with my doctor for an annual check up and I’ll be having a full STD work up done as well. Pretty willing to accept that’s the only way I’ll know for sure, doesn’t matter if they did or didn’t test her before her surgery, I’m just going to make sure I’m okay.

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