That’s some bad hat, Harry (quick, name that movie)

While we were down in North Carolina visiting my parents, we decided to take a day trip to Myrtle Beach. It was a two and a half hour drive from my parents’ house and even though I detest driving longer than thirty minutes at a time, I took charge of the wheel and let everyone else sleep during the ride.

Just call me a thoughtful and courteous human being! With a husband who had a headache and a teenager whose learner’s permit was only valid in New York and a ten year old who can’t drive anything but me to drink.

Or you can just call me a martyr and get it over with already!

Your choice.

We got there about half-past WHO’S THE IDIOT WHO FORGOT THE SNACKS? I’M STARVING so we bought lunch before we did anything else because while Helena couldn’t wait to dive into the ocean, I couldn’t wait to dive into a low calorie turkey burger without a bun so I could pretend it was a quadruple cheeseburger dripping with grease, fat and angioplasty.

Then we hit the beach.

And by hit the beach, I mean one of us gingerly touched her bottom to the ocean and shrieked IT’S C-C-C-C-COLD before throwing caution to the wind and flinging herself into the frigid water while two others collapsed onto beach towels in a desperate attempt to soak up as much skin cancer as possible and the last one waded into the water up to her ankles to take this shot, only to regret it moments later when a small wave pushed half the ocean’s contents up her legs, past her underwear and straight into her hoo ha, giving her what amounted to a massive salt water douche that could potentially kill sperm from ten years ago.

This is your lot in life when you are built like an Oompa Loompa.

I bet my fallopian tubes are still peppered with tiny sea shells and look like those little macaroni necklaces kids make for Mother’s Day in preschool.

Nothing says I Love You Mommy like some blinged out reproductive organs hanging around your neck!

I think it was just about is-it-raining-sweat-or-am-I-having-a-hot-flash o’clock when we bought some ice cream and walked on the pier and looked down into the water and saw this …

Somebody squealed Hey, look! Cool! A Shark!

The squeal may have come from one or both of my kids. I’m not sure. I was busy having a small myocardial infarction.

I can’t tell you what happened next because I was too busy grabbing Nate and the girls and pinning them to the deck with my body while screaming WE’RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT and frantically looking about for a scuba tank that I could shove into the shark’s mouth and shoot with a rifle to blow the monster to bloody smithereens.

Why don’t piers come equipped with scuba tanks and rifles and Valium for just these situations?

And by the way, wouldn’t this whole premise make an awesome movie?

I should write a script. I’d make millions!

And then maybe I’ll invent the VCR and make zillions! Bajillions, even!

Thanks to the tourists standing to our left who were busy tossing their homemade chum concoction of leftover hamburger and crab cake and stupidity into the water with as much splashing as possible, our friend was soon joined by three of his friends.

I’d have gotten a photo of all of them thrashing and frolicking about but I may or may not have been passed out at the time. At the very least, I was traumatized by the thought of how close we came to becoming chum ourselves had one of us not had the presence of mind to exit the water, jump into menopause and demand an ice cream on the pier to ward off a long, slow, painful death by hot flash.

You know, as opposed to a short, quick painful death by Jaws and Company.

Who knew schizophrenic hormones could be so fortuitous?

Who knew I knew how to use big words like fortuitous?

A visual, to give you a rough idea as to how close we came to our own immortality.

Hah! You made me laugh so hard with those 10-yr old sperm… but holy heck I would have been out of there in an instant after seeing those sharks. And for sure I will never get in the water there again! Not that my foot would fit past their gullet, mind you, but I’m rather attached to my feet nonetheless… =)Heather T. recently posted..PhotoPlay- Curves

Hi Andrea – I just loved your rendition of your vacation and all the pictures. I really wish we could get together – I’d love to see if this is the same Andrea I knew when you were in High School (only kidding) Give me a call sometime. Take Care – Sue ( you know, Traci’s mom)

Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh. You just posted a picture story of one of my worst nightmares. Thank you very much. >:|

I laughed, but I can totally relate to the freak out. We went to the beach last Mother’s Day (I don’t particularly like swimming in the ocean -see above- but I’m a bit lizard-like in my absolute love of sleeping outside in the sun.) Anyway, my husband and daughter were in the water when some goofballs next to us start yelling “Shark.” I looked over where they were pointing, fully expecting to see nothing, or some guy playing a prank, when I saw it too. Let me tell you, I’d bet beach-goers on the *other* side of Florida heard me screaming for my family to get out of the water.

There were no lifeguards! And because of the wind and the waves, no one on the beach could hear us yelling that there were sharks in the water. I swear, it was about 50-75 feet from where we had been in the water ourselves. Yikes!

Glad you have the photographic evidence to prove it, but with your photoshop skills, who needs actual photos!

I imagine the water is just as cold as it is on our side of the Atlantic – did you see me waving?!!Janmary, GALWAY (I’m there on your behalf, but not enjoying myself at all, well maybe just a wee bit!), Ireland recently posted..The fields and castle of Athenry

Here’s the thing: if that had been me standing there looking down, I’d be shark poop by now. This is why: When I looked at your first picture, I was all “OOOOH! DOLPHIN!! LOOK AT THE DOLPHIN!!” and then I would’ve handed my camera and iPhone to the husband and jumped right off that pier, since swimming with dolphins has always been in the top five items on my bucket list. Hubby would then have to spend all of my life insurance windfall on therapy for the kid and heavy pharmaceuticals for himself because he’d be left all alone to deal with the kid. Mwah ha ha.

But, you know, I did realize that it was Jaws Jr and not Flipper by the second photograph. However, as I said, had that been me, I would’ve been in the drink next to him before I figured it out. I am not that good a swimmer that I could outrace a shark to shore… (I know, that’s surprising, given my extra layer of blubber for added buoyancy and those Heather’s Hobbity Hooves that are big enough to double as scuba flippers, but it’s true…)

You haven’t felt cold Atlantic water until you’ve braved a beach in Maine. Even in the dead of summer, the water is never above 60 degrees. By the time you’re in up to your knees, your feet have gone numb. *That* is cold water.Heather @ nobody-but-yourself recently posted..Oh- that wascally wabbit!

Hi – popped over from 2Peas (generally vegetate on the photo side) and I have to say I absolutely LOVE your writing and photography. I quite literally LOL. and I see a Christmas card in the making with that last shot. (kidding)

Thank you, Thank you for the laugh. You never cease to make me laugh and pull me from the brink of a potato chip, dove chocolate and glass of wine OD. This was just what I needed today…a half bag of chips are gone and I’m seriously eye balling that 7 layers of heaven chocolate cupcake sitting in front of me.

Just posted this to FB after having a very similar encounter. Apparently, this pier is known as the “shark stand” and we have no intention of going back. Go 30 minutes further to Huntington Beach State Park for a prettier, SAFER southern beach experience!Anita recently posted..All Aboard!

Mom to Zoe and Helena and warm lap to Oliver. I'm short and uptight with freakishly pointy elbows. My thumbs lose all mobility when I laugh and I could live on cheese. If you're insanely bored, click WHO AM I to read more.