I can live the way you want by Mary Bethany (updated)

“I can live in the image YOU want, as long as possible quietly, next to you like this.”

Part 1: "I am prepared even if I am hurt, still I have to stay at her side… I can't do anything about it.... Don't tell me to run away, I don’t know how to run away." (Jung Hoo) He first connected by removing his gloves to touch (when she was saddened and doubted), he was willing to take on another persona (if she preferred a different him), he listened (when she needed to share, since he was her only friend), he entwined her hands with his to ensured her (when prompted by ahjumma that he had nothing to offer to encourage her), he restrained & withdrawn himself (when her safety was threatened by being near him), finally he stood refusing to run away (because if he pushes her away, she will cry separately forever, not just him alone).

“I need to find the reason… I have no reason to live”, an awakened Jung Hoo demanded. For once, he wanted to really live as a human, not just merely as a soul-less leopard, now he has found a reason to live, she was the only reason. The world has been a jungle, everyone were leopards and lions, until a fearless human trespassed in. A girl who faced the king of jungle fearlessly, not because she didn’t know the danger, in spite of knowing, she had this valor to stand and fight back. Amid her personal danger, she bothered to tell Bong Sookie to run and let her handle Yoyo. Was he not moved watching her shouted and searched for Bong Sookie right after the police gotten her “rescued”. It took the courage of a brave leopard to let Jung Hoo faced his own humanity too, his yearnings no longer restricted to the Moru Moru Island. “If he doesn’t open for you, you won’t be able to get in... there’s one way left, to have him open his door and come out.” Ahjumma knew him so well. Truth is he has already opened the door silently, Jung Hoo had never learnt how to open his Bat-Cave door, nor has he invited any to enter in. The lad has grown up frequently dumped by many. Nobody bothered to knock his door all these years. Even when knowing whosoever entering in may hurt him or be hurt, opened himself his own invisible door slowly, loving Young shin from a safe distance. If Young Shin’s love was unrequited, so was his, he didn’t expect to take, just give. He started off revealed himself little by little, discovered that for the first time in life he too had a desire now to be understood, to comfort someone (the much wounded Young shin who thought that hers was a unrequited love). When he revealed his love at that rooftop snow kiss, it not merely a kiss, it’s a pledge that he was not merely a “courier for money”, but has morality. It was also a promise; a plunge into possible identity leak which shall endangered his “self-quarantine” domain. To be understood as who he exactly is, is the basic root of being loved & to love.

“I want to tell Chae Young Shin that I’m actually a thief… you said its okay to tell her if she’s someone who would go to my island with me... with Chae Young Shin I feel safe telling her who I am, and see if she go with me” When Young Shin’s self-less confession in the phone booth melted him, he finally willing to believe that there was someone after all that can come to the island with him. He started to believe it is impossible that someone can accept him as he is, that he could be raw-naked-transparent after all, with his flaws. Because he did know her characters, trusting that even if she’ll kicks him in anger, but will forgive him soon.

“I know that you actually really like me (wow, he does knows and appreciate), that’s why you tried to keep us apart… because in case I get hurt… how does what my father did more than 20 years ago have anything to do with me? As long as he didn’t kill the father of the woman I like… I like Chae Young Shin. …so I’m prepared, it doesn’t matter even if I get hurt, it’s okay she doesn’t know. I still want to be at her side. There’s nothing I can do, sodon’t tell me to run away, I don’t know how to run away.” He poured his heart out to the Ahjumma who knew that he was wounded by many since time immemorial. Sincere, Single-minded, Saddening. When a man made such a confession, there is basically the “end” of him. It’s sincere when he honestly confessed loving Young Shin, without excuses. It’s Single-minded in his focus on staying beside to protect her safety knowing now that she also loved him. It’s Saddening, as he was prepared to be hurt, can run but refused to run away. “… I don’t know how to run away.” Awesome!

“I’ll show her my face… but she asked, I should at least response, at the very least?” He spoke with a faint pleading voice. Ahjumma cruelly reminded him that, with Young Shin’s qualities, she deserved to have any prince charming that have great personally, good looks, and respectable career. But Healer can’t even show her his face to her, the most he can do is to bring her to some strange deserted paradise island in a distanced future. Ouch! That stings! Cruel but true. Moreover, you are son of a murderer suspect. Instantly his countenance fall, his eyes dull, and his voice coarse, “I can show her my face” he pleaded. Being the simple girl she is, she will not ask for more, I got nothing much to give, but I will reveal my identity which is my “ALL”. Here, he mentioned ‘face”, it’s nothing about the “Glorious Entertainment’s poster boy” Ji Chang Wook handsome face that he meant; it simply means his identity as a courier, since their “face” (aka identity) means life and death. Such was his self-less love, but for all he had, he will give himself. He said, after all she did ask, when your loved one pleaded, can you not give? It cruel to demand that from him, never once in his life has he felt he can comfort someone, nor ever felt someone desire anything from him, or someone loved and desired him. At the cinema, the entwined handhold stirred a huge feverish response among fans world-wide. What Ahjumma said hours ago (about he couldn’t give her what many guys could) laid a great impact. At that crucial moment when Young Shin was walking out reluctantly, his dilemma flooded, so was he really going to give nothing to comfort her and allow her to leave like this? Is there really nothing he can hint that he does care, something she can hold on to until he “can show her my face?” She was always the first one that approached him, confessed to him at rooftop, even the one first to entwine her fingers first around his. To be allowed to confess one’s feeling, and show affection after all was luxuries to him, what a sad life that he had been depraved of basic abilities and affections.

“He died because of me, but I was too busy getting angry….” Thru the morgue scene, a fine page has turned in Ji Chang Wook’s acting career. Why? Many fans have described in reviews how excellent he acted at that weeping agonised moment... His work in that scene was that of the becoming of a character, his “acting” is second to none other hunks that actually looks that good in K-drama history. Yes, he had finally “become, beget, borne” into the character in Jung Hoo. First, his wrath kicked in, whacked anyone obstructing along the path, hesitated as he hold back to turn the door handle, started to blink uncontrollably away his blurred vision, fearing the truth he paused before tremblingly lifted up the pristine white sheet that will painfully reveal what he was dying not to believe, surreal reality still refused to set in, choked breathlessly as he gasped for air, couldn’t find his voice, he gently tapped Teacher: “you always play this trick, wake up, you’re taking it too far, stop it already… ” senses drowned, overwhelmed with intense raw emotions; agony, fear, disbelief, lost…. Emptiness enshrouded his entire being, deep within he started to switch off, numb, frozen, his blankreddened eyes fluttered, breath thickened and heavy, sniffed as his nose swelled and sored, voiced muffled into whispers, couldn’t feel his legs he sunk thru’ the invisible hole on that morgue floor… (We fans at the laptop can really felt these raw feelings.) Back at the car, sniffed his aching nose again, he started loosening collars as throat suffocated, cut off the world from his sight, couldn’t see what was before his windscreen, memories of teacher in past were the only visions he saw now, weeping inwardly soundlessly, blinked hard and squeezed tight to shut the pain those visions cost, by wiping his tears with his right fingers, his systems begun self-shutting down…. That old pervert was the only father he knew, and now all is but lost forever…. Yet in such a wretched state, he could halt himself in time when Moon Ho reminded him that Teacher wouldn’t want him to become a murderer over those low-lives scums. Yes, even when he broke down in choking tears, confessed in self-reproached to Moon Ho that both of them can do nothing, yet he is willing to back off…. Kudos to his self-control ability, K-drama hunks usually just whacked thru and do something stupid in grief. Writer Song, daebak!!!

“It’s too late, she knows it all, who I am… but she doesn’t know everything, that if she stayed beside me, she will be hurt, even being killed, and there’s nothing I can do….” I am always touched by men that wept, but truly K-drama hunks don’t really weep in restraint, but they cry dramatically, they just wail, stormed and howl, churned some big chunk of tears, heavy banging everything, some even can squeezed out mucus --- all loud and wet and heavy. Not many hunks can weep like Ji Chang Wook, he doesn’t weep beautifully, Jung Hoo has “lesser volume of tears”, yet you felt in your marrows that Jung Hoo truly agonized and was utterly ruined. It’s a scene I will remember for a good long time. This scene alone is a classic moment worthy of Oscar, (not just KBS drama award). But no, even to mention about presenting him an KBS award is like insulting him, calling that moment “acting only”, when you felt in all your marrows that Jung Hoo,(not Chang Wook) was the one mourning. When Teacher passed, painfully he restraining himself for her sake, denying himself the desires to be understood, when discovered that he might cause her danger and even death, this is his way of protecting and loving her. He has chosen to die inside, not just to hibernate.

The first kiss at rooftop was JH way of leaking his SELF away, a revelation that opened the Pandora box.The second kiss at his lair was his further surrendering his SELF, in gratefulness of her assurance.The third kiss at Coffee-bay was his heartfelt promise to find his true SELF, in gratitude of her acceptance. Her promise was all he ever wanted, his own assurance that “I will find it”, his pledge of covenant that, no matter whether will I find the evidence, so that you will not be hurt too, and I’ll come back to you.

“… I don’t think I can live like ordinary people for now… until I take care of this, so I can’t be by your side, I need to be on the run… if you are with me, you’ll get arrested as an accomplice… don’t call and don’t ever come near my house…” When Young shin called him as he was on the run hiding from Elder, he was actually at a PC Internet room, watching her video clips reporting Someday news. Then when ahjumma asked why he didn’t went back to his apartment, he replied “I think too much if I’m alone, I preferred to be where people are a lot… I think I get it now, what I need to fight for…” That was one of the most agonizing scenes, that we on this side of the screen can actually felt his loneliness. It’s totally different between the state of solitude he was in before he met her, he could be alone but not lonely, but since he met her and changed his dream, loneliness is something he would not be able to bear by going to Moru Moru Island (the empty house without her) alone, constraining himself to call or see her is becoming excruciating. This was one of the many ways whereby he is sacrificing for her, namely denying himself his safety, his joy, his freedom, his house, himself.

Did we awe at Ji Chang Wook? No, it is Seo Jung Hoo that we know and liked. But am grateful that he allows us to forget that he is JCW, so that we can believe there might just be many Seo Jung Hoo around us in this world. Honestly we know nuts about JCW. Asan actor, he borne, became and begotten the character, that’s when he made us forgot that he is the luminous Ji Chang Wook, he make you love the character he created even more than loving himself, the Ji Chang Wook. i watched his other dramas in the past, it’s just Ji Chang Wook face acting in different roles. Just like i did when saw Lee Min Ho face repeated in many dramas, even up to “The Inheritors”, it is still LMH’s face acting in “the inheritor”. But with Jung Hoo, Mr Ji has ascended to another league/ another dimension/ another realm. He has begotten the character, till you forgot he is Ji Chang Wook. Even if you know JCW will be flooded with tons of other new great roles in future, you are not satisfied with whatever new drama he will be in future, some part of you know you will miss Seo Jung Hoo, even if you looked into Ji Chang Wook’s face starring in another meaty role, and that leaves me strangely empty. I have nothing against Ji Chang Wook, just that it is all and only about Seo Jung Hoo. Thus honestly, do i like Ji Chang Wook? Nope, i simply adore Seo Jung Hoo, and Jung Hoo alone.

Part 2: “I knew it.”(Young Shin)She first trusted (when all evidence were against him, remembering he was the one protected her), she confessed contentedly (when he still couldn’t reveal himself), then she waited (when hurt by his “lies”), and she stand firm forcing herself in (when he has given up life itself). Finally, even as she waits in silent, she “knew” because she trusted his innocent, before even need any evidence to proof. Selfless is the way she loved.

Like I say above that Jung Hoo must opened his own invisible door, but it takes another unrequited fearless love to recognise the door is opened and break-in. Young shin’s first shaken the foundation of the door with her unique fearless attitude, she knew the danger, she not only don’t back off, she charged head-on. She couldn’t even protect herself, yet she bothered to ask Bong Sookie to run, a simple woman’s courage. For the first time, a leopard put on human face, her humanity awed the fearless Healer, that was the first twisted of the key that opened his heart’s door. As what Coffee-bay Ahjussi said, she don’t have any friend, never bring people home, told him everything what she doesn’t even tell Aboeji or Ahjussi, not even her dad knows her “2 crushes”. To say that Bong Sookie came to her, truly she was the first to come to Bong Sookie, she opened up herself, her thoughts, and her trust. Was not Bong Sookie’s phone number the only one she remembered correctly first, when she lost her mum phone in the elevator? The only one she brought home to sleep on couch? The only one she dared wept to? The only one she hugged so naturally? To say that Young Shin was infatuated with Healer as her second crush, she may not have known, she actually has already taken the simple Bong Sookie into her heart, not Healer. If to say her “crush” toward healer stirred Jung Hoo, I rather say her trust and acceptance in Bong Sookie transformed Jung Hoo.

“… if I opened up my heart, someone would come and scar it, still I was ok with it, because if you have even one person you can truly trust, no matter how often you get stabbed in the back, you don’t get that hurt” She trusted in the past, when it was easier to doubt, based upon Moon Ho’s leak that he was paying Healer to help her, she was willing to trust again that one single person whom she has opened up her heart, did not he cometh and protected her first, even if he (like her dad said) was the only one person, she shall trust and overcome her hurts. Yes, even if he has opened his door, it take herself to know her heart, herself to take the first step, to trust and plunge into the little gap in the door that he opened. She will not be greedy, because that was enough.

“I’m going to wait… I have someone I’m waiting for, that person should definitely have something to say to me, he shouldn’t be staying silent like this, I’m prepared to listen what he has to say, I have things I want to say to him too.” She waited, that kiss was the seal, and all she needed to lean upon and wait, sensing that he did have something to say. Imagined that Jung Hoo has been silent all these years, with no one seriously interested in what he got to say, and then someone said she wanted to listen, and wanted to tell him things that are important to her. Think that sealed the ascension he made uphill into this humanity and realised that he has crossed the line of no return. The moment, he has taken up an assignment by himself, to stay at her side forever. Cometh what may.

“I need to meet you, if you tell me not to look at you, I’ll cover my eyes. If you tell me not to speak, I’ll be still and won’t make a sound… Will you hear what I have to say? Will you come to me, and watch me, I just need to know that you will, and that’s all I want…” Such a self-less, courageous, trusting girl (according to ahjumma, she can have the most charming prince all days of her life…). Yet confessing her love raw and frank, wanting nothing in return, even not to look / speak / touch… satisfied that even if to deprave herself of all her sense of sight and sound and touch, is but fine. She walked away from the cinema seat, saddened to part, not having to “connect” but willing to accommodate to his convenience, she was fine. What kind of girl would a man want more than this? When she was rewarded with the entwined handhold, she was grateful even if they are in total silent, not seeing each other.

“I was holding back… desire to hold hands, to hug, to talked all night, even to kiss… holding back so much makes me angry… I know he has a reason, I’ll wait, but I am still angry.” It’s human to feel angry or hurt or impatient, but it rises above it all to suppress those feelings, to fight against “what is my right”, and hold back and wait, even if “I have to right to be angry”. She waited, like dad said, because he will come. “If I told him that I knew, he’ll just leave, I’ll never see him again, I can’t not see him again, I can’t do that.” Actually it was when Bong Sookie “betrayed” her trust, that she was hurt most. So hurt was she that she didn’t rejoiced even in knowing the identity of Healer finally. If Healer is the one she only loved, what’s the big deal regarding whether Bong Sookie lied in past.

“Is it because I said I will wait, that you can’t come? Should I just have said I won’t wait, and said not to worry? Can I take back those words?” the anguished Young Shin desperately clinging on to the phone in the dark, whatever message she sent may not even goes thru, desperately by all means, “come back”… I will not even tell you how hurt was I by you, but still i won’t ask, won’t even say wait, and won’t be angry…. A complete surrender on her part, that’s her way of loving.

“I’m not afraid of you (not fearful that you are rumoured to kill…)… I don’t care (even if you hid so much from me and I was hurt once)… If you make me leave, you’ll cry for the rest of your life (it’s not just about me crying, but you will be crying your whole life)… No, you won’t hurt me, never. (You will never want to hurt me, because that will hurt you more.)… Don’t make me leave. Don’t.” A teary Young shin pleaded, standing firm even as a speechless Jung Hoo weakly pushed her away in his last resort, (by then, he agreed and knew what she said is true). Bravely she reminded Jung Hoo that both of them will cry forever. Not holding back, not willing to leave, not running. When finally his life was at stake, she was willing to put aside her hurt, and ensured that she “will not wait”, as long as you “come back”? She started to accept Jung Hoo as Jung Hoo finally, she needed to first accept Jung Hoo identity, then she could finally be allowed to break into that door, she finally allowed herself not to hold back. Jung Hoo invisible door was opened too long, he will get more hurt, till she entered in. First she waited when he was not ready to reveal and he needed more times, then she hold her fort to stay when he withdrawn from everyone into self-destruction, now she trusted him, when all odds are against him when he felt unworthy. She pulled him into her arms, locked him in an embrace gently, broke all his defences, and melted all his resistance, she has thus awake his ‘True Self’, the ‘Self’ that desired to know and be known. Wiping those tears that she was drowned and overwhelmed in, even as she herself glimmered in tears… Her kiss as he glazed deep into her; was the last step into the already opened door unlocked by Jung Hoo himself. He buried himself into her, embraced his new found Self that night… a covenant was sealed that night.

“…I’ll look for it also. You have to come back, even if you can’t find it.” It’s easy to judge Young Shin that her first reaction to Jung Hoo hiding the truth regarding her mother alive, and his dad being murder suspect of her dad’s demised. In fact Young Shin knew that Jung Hoo wasn’t a bad person, and whatever his dad did (even if it is true) has nothing to do with him, this she also knew…. Thus all murders shouldn’t be done by him, even when Moon Shik got the detectives Team to show “hard core evidences” against him. But her basics trust that the Bong Sookie she has grown to know isn’t such. She pulled away from him upon his approach; she obviously hated herself for resisting him, but just wouldn’t do otherwise. It almost a plea for acceptance, that hug. Plead again, that he doesn’t believe his dad a true murderer, and above all, murder her dad? “That’s why I’ve been looking for evidence that he isn’t…once I find it, I will tell you…” that still faint voice.

“I knew it.” Even before she asked and he answered “No”, she knew it even the night before when she asked him in that telepathy monologue, each in their room asking and answering each other, waiting for that ring on the phone.

But because she was Chae Young Shin, she just did what we have grown to like about her. She overcame her doubts, and she seized that hand or whatever she can hold on to from him, so willing to believe even without any evidence whatsoever, and she immediately gave him assurance again. It was her turn to assured him, when he needed assurance most. She stood up by herself on her own, not a damsel in distress, but a worthy heroine beside the Healer. That, was all he needed to hold on to, to fight and persevere on, her trust and her willingness to wait.

“When I hold his hand, the feeling he is saying “I’m okay.” spreads throughout my entire body, from my hand, the one and only incredible hand in the world, that says “I’m okay now.” With this hand, we will go down fighting, as long as I die holding this hand…

“of cause I’m scared, they’re like zombies, so that is why we have to fight them, if we stay still, they might bite us, and we become zombies.’ Even if she is outnumbered or weak, she will goes down fighting. Will not live a second longer being zombie, rather die fighting until the final last breathe, there is no half state between zombie and human, so die as a human I shall. “I can’t talk when I’m scared. I laugh instead.” She will push herself to live well, to stay happy so that Jung Hoo can concentrate on fighting Elder, she will not be a burden, and this was another kind of way she can help in fighting Elder, staying happy and safe. That was Greatness instilled within her.

Many are borne from great lineage, not a small sums watches great things happens from afar off, some attempt great things half-heartedly, some tried achieve great works by all means to please others. Only a small handful just need to do that great thing at the right moment, and become Great.

Part 3: “I can live in the image that YOU want, as long as possible quietly, next to you like this.” (Jung Hoo) / “Let’s run away together.”(Young Shin)This confession is one of the most moving confessions of self-less sacrifice in K-drama history. Now if this is not sacrifice then what is it? Real love is not pledging how much a man can die for his girl, but how much he can live and change his own life style for his girl, which is the biggest sacrifice. All for the sake of “next to you, by your side like this” Simple words but unlimited sacrifices, finally he has learned to sacrifice his identity for the one he loved. If she does not come to the Island, maybe he will forsake his Batman-cave, and shall go to her Coffee-bay? He stepped out of his hibernate-cocoon, contented to protect her quietly, became her shadow, though feared she might get hurt… to run away from her, he shalt not, for he has signed on the assignment himself to stay by her side. Yet, he had no strength to pull her into his door, life beyond Healer or Moru Moru Island does not sound bad after all, was he not once tempted to give up everything, “Can you consider me?” (If you will, I will give up all, just to be beside you, carefully. You shall be my Moro Moro island, my reason to live. ) “If by any chance catching that old man is not enough, let’s run away together. There are plenty of places in this world where no one will find us.” Young Shin declared as long as Jung Hoo at her side, willing to leave even her beloved dad and mum behind… Jung Hoo’s pride was wounded, “which man would make his woman a fugitive?” But, “Jung Hoo, truly, which woman is willing to live alone to let her man become fugitive alone elsewise in the world?” While you are willing to give up your Moru Moru for her, and everywhere instantly become your Moru Moru Island, and you take the extra miles to be willing to forsake your Bat-cave to be on the run and stayed away from her to keep her from danger, yet she is willing to forsake her Coffee-Bay (dad and all) to come to your Moru Moru Island, and go anywhere in the world where nobody find you both. Isn’t it awesome that one willing to forsake seeking his Moru Moru Island and forsake a desired Solitude Life, and the other willing to leave her secure Coffee-Bay and take on a Solitude life."In my eyes… humans are all the same... But amongst all the similar humans, she’s somewhat different… She is like a leopard with a broken leg and had run into hyena. The leopard was hurt and it was clear there was no chance, so she attacked first... She’s like that too... It’s not that she’s brave because she doesn’t know any better or how scary it is. After seeing the leopard documentary I really cried a lot…” Calling himself Healer, when he was far from healing the world, he couldn’t even heal himself, was a leopard himself in a jungle world of leopards and lions… Ahjumma was right about Seo Jung Hoo. “He never once leaves anyone; it is everyone that left him.” Like everyone in our childhood, little Jung Hoo’s heart door was once opened in those blissful times where Moru Moru Island existed under pillows, blankets and tables… till that spilt second when father died, mother deserted him, childhood friends scattered. Scarred a second time the day he asked mum, “if you can live with him (the other son), why can’t you live with me?”, mum wept harder… being the good son he was, he took mom’s coat to make her feel better and left. Since that moment it was time immemorial, he retreated beyond that door when mom chose to forget him, and since then time stopped, reality stand still, and his only dream became that giant screen of unspoilt Moru Moru Island beside his bed, he quarantined himself away from the world likened unto an Amazon. Teacher walked out also, and that sealed the final lock on his heart door. He transformed himself into Healer, yet he above all people needs healing ironically. The second generation Healer don’t save the world; he has no grand heroic aspiration. Does any leopard has any meaning in life, other than eat and stayed away from being eaten? Healer is not his actual self, neither is Bong Sookie, Jung Hoo simply don’t exist.

But by ep 16, he has already revived his Self, by being self-less, he learned to have self-control even when his anger tempted him to kill, and he could be stopped by Ahjumma and Moon Ho a few good times. He learned self-reserved as he patiently waited for the right time to tell the truth to the woman he loved. He learned self-sacrificed to keep her safe by unplugged himself from life. He learned self-recovery to fight on and discover truth instead of wallowed in sorrows. He learned to be self-less when he is willing to live contentedly beside the woman he loved, just like that way he mentioned on that rooftop after press conference.“I’m dreaming of you…. I thought it was a dream, I don’t dream very often. So I wondered why this dream is so long, kept finding myself confirming “Is this real?” even while doing so, kept questioning, “Is it okay to be real? I’m really confused between what’s real and what’s fake? My work requires me to become fake, hide my face, use false identity. When I go out in the world and meet people there, I’m always fake. But when I see her, I must be the real me right? But then the “REAL ME”? What is that? Is there such a THING? So I am going to find the “REAL ME”…. I’m thinking of how much I can tell her, but she didn’t even ask for my Real Name.”But what truly beat into me, was Jung Hoo’s confession right “the Morning After”. He has awakened to self-discovery, emotional needs realised, a desire to love and be loved, to want and be wanted, to know and to be known. What kind of miserable person is he, who seldom dreams? But the poor lad couldn’t believe himself even when he was suddenly blessed with sweet dreams. How pitiful he was that he should doubt himself. Is it okay to start desiring? Does he deserve to stay dreaming? What if he wakes up, will she also go away?

Finally our Healer seeks to be healed, from his own “Self”. The first group of Healers healed the world of their sickness, corruption, lies… but the second generation Healer; seek nothing (not even the money he claimed he was after to buy an island.) In simple-term, he seeks ‘nothing’, was ‘nothing’, heal ‘nothing’. Many of us, think that the person we are in my own confined house is the real us? The person our family see is the real us? Is that so?

Beg to differ! What we are in front of even our own family member may not be the real SELF in us, as long as we hide our thought, our desires, our characters, we can live in the same house, yet none can know us. We are actually what we are in our want, our senses; our desire to be, even if we cannot become that person we are dying to become. What we desire, “We Are”. Our physical form, are what we are borne in, are not the real us.

“My name is Seo Jung Hoo.” Name, is more than just a name sometimes. It represents Honestly, Revelation, Surrender of self. Finally, he has borne, became, begotten his Self. So exactly who is Seo Jung Hoo? Only Seo Jung Hoo knows, only he can answer his own question, when he starts to think, he become. Realisation of SELF is never pleasant and is cruel even. Because he has not been thinking, since his loved ones left him, then he can seek back his SELF by having his needs in loving Young Shin fulfilled. When you love someone, you become complete. This is how GOD makes us.“What else should I hide for you? ... What are you doing? ...Waiting for your call, you should at least call again… ask me anything? I’ll answer everything…. Are you okay? It’s not you, right? Who are you? .... If you don’t ask, I can’t answer.” (Jung Hoo with Young Shin) One word: telepathy. (2 synchronized single-sided monologue thatblend like a duet.) After this scene, no one dare say the duo does not read each other mind, or speak without words, even long distance dialogue, telepathy was in its best display thru this Korean drama, better than any superhero Hollywood style. Now you tell me, is this Chae Young Shin not borne as the rib in her Adam Jung Hoo’s back? They are perfect, as the Adam and Eve… the “Saw” of the “Jig-saw”, the Self that find his Self in her-Self.

“Will you run away? ... No, I realised running doesn’t solve anything.” The beauty of these two characters, unlike norm K-drama heroes and beauties, these 2 don’t stay long sulking, mourning and angry, they stopped whatever emotional outburst, then picked themselves up and moved on to think what they can do to help each other… Like Young Shin, she would get herself busy, useful and happy in Someday, so that Jung Hoo needs not worry. Jung Hoo will plan to counterattack, and isolated himself so that he could do something useful….he even kept himself away from his house to avoid “think too much if I’m alone” while keep himself busy and fighting alone. He always controlled himself right on the crucial moment of anger before doing any fatal actions, not idle enough to have ample time to think and sink in self-pity, he rather not go back to his house even.

“Why are you always sleeping when I see you… But you always wake me up… while I was thinking while I was sleeping… Is it hard to just live like ordinary people? Will it be hard for me? You’ll stay by my side, right? Good. (That’s all I need.)” As Jung Hoo rested his head on Young Shin’s lap, resting forever his healed heart. Like what Young Shin said, “You say you want to love like ordinary people… It’s not easy to live like others; I don’t think he knows what it means to live like ordinary person, that’s what he truly wants, he quit being Healer… He became Park Bong Soo again… There’s a guy that I know, He’s seems to live in a different world… he did kind of live in a different world than others. A guy like that insisting on living in our world just like everyone else…it’s kind of funny to see, but sad.” Young Shin dear, because this guy’s world has changed from that giant screen Moru Moru Island to you, as you became his entire galaxy. He revolved around you. Anywhere everywhere you are, he shall has his being, what is Park Bong Soo or Healer to him, if you are not “there next to me?” In times to come, he will adapted, because you healed him, found his existence, you are his Healer.

“Was this the dream job? To be honest, I was going to do it until I could buy a deserted island in the South Pacific…. until I met a girl, my world started spinning. So I changed my dream… I decided to have kids with my girl and live like ordinary people; I thought it would be easy… I don’t remember people’s names, when I first met her on the bus, I don’t remember how she looked then since I wasn’t interested. But this girl actually came after me, she has no fear. From the beginning I hurt her … thinking back, her life became so complicated after meeting me, and she constantly got hurt, and was almost killed too. When she’s actually someone that smiles a lot by nature…” a raw footage of confession, almost like a self-written eulogy, for the one person he would live for, not just to die for.

Does the world need Healer? Hollywood’s “healers” cometh in big act of valiant that save the country, stop the war, provide world peace, invent vaccine for deadly virus, died defeating evil powers. Avengers styles hero dropped from the sky heal the world. Does killing some villains save? Life goes on, and new villains emerge.Instead we are touched by many real lives unsung heroes, courageous simple flawed human among us, with all their weakness, not saints. It’s not big things one did, but in that spilt second, it called for a decision made, to face or to escape, to stand or to run, to speak or be silent, to pardon or to revenge…

There are many such insignificant people around us, silently loving us in their quiet ways. But in that crucial moment, a word can motivate us to go on. A fine drama, bring out the beauty in simple people around;

-- the teacher that loved in his simple way, ran away but lured back for the “son” he mentored, forsaking his paradise to give his “son” a reason to live, knowing that Jung Hoo may seek revenge for his impending death, he hinted to “his son”, that if someone kills another person (in his case, Moon Shik), he’s not a human being anymore, he want to die as a human being and meet the people who left first, his words was not meant for Detective Yoon, even before death teaching his “son” to quit sooner, “to live with the woman you loved”, have 2 kids, 1 dog, 2 cats, 3 goldfishes, & “lived while raising them”.

--The ahjumma that loved hiding behind her giant scenes, cared for Jung Hoo ways beyond what some mothers can. Her silent when he shared that he liked “this girl”, her helpless stares at the scene when ‘her son’ stated he was willing to reveal himself to the girl, she growled and threatened to stop him when the wrecked broken son wanted to revenge. The desperate heart of the mother, when she emerged from her rabbit hole, just to look into this girl’s eyes, to see herself whether she can let go and trust her with her “son”.--The abeoji Chae that encourage his daughter to wait, to trust, to fight not to run away, to give people a second chance, even people that the world shunned. “I did not find you, I waited, and you came, you hold my hand first, I could have waited longer, but you came sooner than I thought…” not necessarily, waiting doesn’t promise rewards, but by waiting, you braved yourself a chance to love and be loved. Because of Abeoji’s encouragement, his Young Shin was motivated to wait; maybe it will be shorter than we always think.

“Media exists to diagnose and heal the diseases of this world.” Our world needs not Superman, Batman, Ironman, we need not healer even… we need someone to listen as Bong Sookie listens… someone to stay close and be willing to change their lives style for us, someone that will forsake their secret island for us… someone like Young Shin to stand with us, not run away, even if outnumbered… someone who waits, and not ask nor probe. We need both Jung Hoo and Young shin who selflessly don’t indulged in self-pity but fight on for each other, trusting each other, to be willing to heal and be healed, healing the ones that GOD sent into our lives… We have grown up adoring Superheroes since child-hood; everyone likes masked men that save the earth and swept damsels off her feet and fly round the night sky with him. All young men aspired to be Superman, Batman, and Ironman… etc. Korean drama has her fair shares of masked heroes in “Ijimae”, “Bridal Mask”, “Gunman in Joseon”, … etc. Not that I don’t enjoy all these acts of robbing the rich throwing money bags and rice bags into the laps of poor people midnight, or saved the poor been beaten up by gangster, or breaking into prison cell rescuing innocents…. I do. But these doesn’t reach out to reality, it don’t touched the marrow of my bones, shaken my lung my brain my heart…

Am I glad that Healer didn’t morphed into some “rob the rich to save the poor” style feel-good plot. Much as we could dare dream, the world cannot be saved by some supermen, we just go exposing whatever evil around us; some used blog and anonymous mails to expose lies. When our leaders want to stop because of their own position in society, many times what happened to ajumma does happen to us. So we pulled the plug, closed the blog, archived all evidences, when victories won and we are all but been forgotten. We disappeared back into the crowd as Bong Sookie, we call it a day.

Does rating matters? Many started to speculate how the rating of Healer sucks? Well compared to “My Love from the Star”, “City-Hunter”, “Boys over Flowers” (whatever high ratings dramas), ask ourselves honestly what is the factor that caused the rating to soar? We all know that it’s not about acting skill nor story plot nor directing skill… it’s all about which Hunk or Beauty acting in it? Rating doesn’t concern me much. Do we really want a zillion screaming fans, shrieking “Kim Soo Hyun / Lee Min Ho / Lee Jun Ki”? Not that they are convinced that these actors can act (which some of those mentioned above really did). Almost 99% of the screaming fans are only concerned with “how handsome he is”. So whether is it a hundred, a thousand or a million fans… its nothing about his acting skill? So what if it garners a hundred millions fans which will only be stirred by good looks. But not because the character touched them, or his lines in the show moved them, or his acting skill make them forgot that “he” is Ji Chang Wook, it’s simply “as long as the hunk starred in anything is fine.” Yes, so what if Ji Chang Wook has lesser of these kind of fans who worshipped him no matter whether he can act or can’t, who will not judge or valued him for his true worth. Yes, so what if really he has lesser fans or lesser show ratings, in compared to A-list hunks? But to us those fewer fans, who treasured him as he portrayed in every character, some are touched by who he created in “Smile again”, some touched by “Empress Ki”, some touched by Seo Jung Hoo. For every single one of his these small legion, our life were sincerely moved, it’s REAL, RAW, RICHER than one zillion fans swooning only about his handsome face. That is the different, the realm that Ji Chang Wook make us ascended unto. After watching finish ep 20, he still make me not interested in Ji Chang Wook, I am still only interested in Seo Jung Hoo. Yes, Seo Jung Hoo only.

“The things I like: high places, first snow, small hands, white blanket, and her hair. The things I dislike; everything that keeps me away from those things…..”The High places, where he can safety indulged in the simple joy in knowing this fearless girl from a distance, gratified by being her “crush” and intoxicated while watching her fantasied about himself to “Bongsookie”.The first snow on his face, where after knowing this girl, he desired to comfort her when she was saddened by mistakes, his hunger don’t rest in contacts thru gloves, that kiss was a covenant made.

Small hands, where he was hit with reality that he truly cannot give her any promise to walk home satisfied at her first date, (she who promised to be satisfied by not looking and not speaking), to be unable to give is a torture to the soul.

White blanket where I pledge myself to you, was where I finally able to enjoy giving myself to you.Her hair, at that morning after, felt surreal as I stroked in my hands, confirmed that it’s okay to be real after all.

His big hands, when hope glimmering faintly, his way of giving when he can’t give any other else, knowing I need this desperately to hold on day by day.His smiling eyes, that was the first angelic things that greet me when I woke up that morning… time stand still that moment.

Broad chest, in that embrace, I become his Moru Moru Island forever no matter where on earth.

Things I like: Hands. Her protective hands holding his, as a mentor. His hand removed from his glove to lift her beanie to stop her hurt. Entwined hands, to give her something to hold on to, while waited in silent. Her hands that wiped his tears and doubts away. Her selfless hands pulling him close insisting him to come back even if “cannot find”. Their hands that spoke louder than words and promised “it is okay”, when words need not be spoken. Hands that hold while looking at future together, each finding the “Real me” in the other.

What other things I like: Watching eyes in the shadow, pouring of hearts in the phone, one sided conversations to each other with conversations exactly befitting answering each other unknowingly, willingness to “live in the image that you want” forsaking my island, entwined hands seizing every moment, that kiss to comfort and ensure you I care, the hands that wiped your tears away, that night of healing in sealing & giving themselves un-reserved, ensuring you “come back even if cannot find”, resting heads resting hearts “you be there next to me, that’s all I need”.

Before Feb 10, was thinking what kind of ending do I want for Healer? Then I realised, I do not really demand to see some Church wedding, or some final scenes of kids running around at some uninhabited island or some Coffee-bay. Because I know Jung Hoo and Young Shin are not real. But after the ending, I still felt the happiness, like unto a mother that finally married of her daughter happily in a church matrimony to the one good boy my daughter loved. This is exactly that kind of contentment and satisfaction, and weirdly, a sense of peace surprisingly. If there is really someone in Writer Song’s mind when she created Jung Hoo, let him find his Yong shin like this. I am at peace now. Thank you LORD.

To Mr Ji Chang Wook and Miss Park Min Young:Legions of fans demands that you be joint finally as one in real life, some called for both of you to be together and love each other and become a real life couple. I am guilty of such demands too; sincerely think you both are so OTP. One sincere word for Mr Ji and Miss Park, whether you will really fall in love in real life, go and find your One True Love, and leave the Korean Drama scene, go find your own Moro Moro Island. No husband or wife would like to share their loved one with another actor, actress… many actor actress marriage ended in divorce because of temptation. Even if we do not see you any more on the screen, just knowing both of you have found your true happiness, we will be satisfied.Ji Chang Wook, please find someone like Chae Young Shin, someone who contentedly-bravely-joyfully “trust and wait and fight” beside you.

Park Min Young, please find someone like Seo Jung Hoo, someone who selflessly-silently-passionately “protects and understand and sacrifice” for you.Ji Chang Wook, Miss Park Min Young, may the LORD GOD bless you to finally find your own Young Shin and Jung Hoo, in loving someone and be loved, in understanding someone and be understood, in changing your lives living for someone and have someone changed and lived for you. Finding your “Real ME / True Self” when you become Self-less for each other, seek Gratification in him / her alone, as the one and only true love in your life.

A verse dedicate to both of you, Mr Ji and Miss Park: love is “charity”

“Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” --- (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

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"I'm so touched by serie review " I can live the way you want" by Mary Bethany in MRMR blog. Her thought about Healer is so much like me. The different is she can convert these emotions and thoughts to words so beautifuly.

I really want to write down what i think but i'm not talent with writing and had problem with language barrier.

Like i can let JCW/PMY go, to continue their career/life but i can not leave SJH/CYS, i will stuck with these otp and other Healer's characters forever."

Seinhi Dear, you are far too gracious to me, actually i am of little faith in myself. and had almost give up the possibility that all the long suffering agassi @ Soompi may reload my edited article, after all it was almost 50 (to be exact 49 days) after the finale of Healer. i am stubbornly refused to move on, like Jung Hoo said, "i don't know how to run away". seriously pale in comparison to the many fine expressions you find here in Healer Times, and the awesome FanFic... my "yakings" is no where near their league. as i addictedly read your FanFic, wouldn't help feeling damned envy almost to extend of jealousy...(lol), if only i can write like this...but think again, think beyond myself, its indeed a wonderful thing that they all can write like Bbriseis, Azzurri, Namedx,Webfoot, cmoirae.... thinking to myself, if only ChangWook and MinYoung can read English well and could read what they wrote... then it will really make them very touched, and be inspired, and moved beyond words that, there are fans who understand what they are trying to portray after all, not just fans that admired their pretty faces. yes, if only changwook and Minyoung can read all these works done by Briseis and the rest... Seinhi dear, exactly as what you say, actually i had let Changwook and MinYoung go, even try not to interfer with whatever they are going to act in next, or whether they will date other actress/actor (and not continue contacting each other). Yes, i am "sensible" enough to understand the moment they move on to their next project, they will hardly meet again, maybe likely only at the next KBS award. no matter, how we may yak about wishing them to be "REAL LIFE COUPLE"... who are we to impose on them, after all changwook is not Jung Hoo... that is the saddest part. to come in term that changwook is NOT Jung Hoo, and MinYoung isn't Young shin.... to be someone that have watched Winter Sonata and weeped along.. not matter how much i wept over Choi Ji Woo, i had never ship any Pairs, not even when i awed over Jo Hyun Jae or LI Junki or JoonWon, i had never ever see myself as someone "shipping" the main leads with another actress.. and damned am i completely floored by this One and Only Pair of my entire life. and i seriously don't mean JiChangwook and Park Minyoung...i mean Jung Hoo and Young shin. even if changwook and move on to kiss some other actress... yeah, i don't like it, but he definitely has his right to choose his very own "Young shin". So will Min Young one day find her Jung Hoo in someone else. yes, i do went to HealerDrama Instagram site, and twitter site and yak about wishing Changwook to date MinYoung... but deep inside i know honestly , that only in the realm when i switch on my laptop and log into "Healer" drama will i find Jung Hoo and Young shin.still, i refused to run away. had watch drama for almost 15 years plus? know myself, 15years had past and there is no other drama in past inspired me like this, 20 years later, there will NOT be another drama like this. this drama has in a way "ruined me".am eternally theirs.still,i don't want to run away.

I already wrote a comment to you before your reply but it gone when i'm click in Publish buttom. :(((I'm really moving when i read your review because you're so much like me about the view with this Drama.Unlike many other Healerities i think i do not be tempted by actor Ji :)))). I do love him with favourable feels for a good actor/person. BUT MY LOVE FOR JUNGHOO DOES NOT TRANSMIT TO HIM. I love Junghoo very very much, my favourite male charactor.When i saw JCW after Healer, almost the times my mind say: " this is definite not Junghoo". Yeah i did see Junghoo's image in him (but it just happen 1-2 times in some second). It makes me relise a sad truth that if i want to see JH, the OTP again the only way is rewatch 20 eps of Healer.I ship JCW/PMY? Yeah but the reason is not because our OTP. In my mind, they are two different ships. I love two actors together because i think their personality are suitable with each other. But i ship them with open and rational mind haha. If there are new about they are together, i will bless and pay more attention to them?? LOL and if not i will just happy with my JH/YS ship-my ultimate one.

Ah, i think i need avoid from hearing the voice of JCW out of Healer because it will remind me JH. His face, vibe does not but his voice does. OTLI'm Seinhi from Soompi

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