Last Saturday started out like any other Saturday. Woke up at 6am to a crying baby, drove through McDonald's for a bacon egg cheese biscuit and large Diet Dr. Pepper, headed out to the middle of nowhere with my friend Christina and got chased by zombies through the woods for three miles. No big d. I was super nervous before the race, not because of the possibility of getting ...

I'm pretty sure they put something in state fair beer that makes you want to go out and buy a gun.
This beer tastes like it was roofied by Smith and Wesson.
Because every time I walk in there I'm all, "Hey look at me with my college education and all my teeth" and after five minutes I'm asking my sisters to co-sign on the loan for my underground camo bunker while my ...

Oh my god trying to lose weight sucks balls so bad. Big wrinkled sweaty smelly bloated old man balls and I hate it.
I worked out five days last week. FIVE DAYS! And I ate Lean Shitusine every day for lunch. And by Friday I lost a pound and a half.
Great, right?
So I took a break from the gym this weekend, mainly because it was starting to feel like someone tied one end ...

Remember in college when you went on spring break and stayed out until 6am and woke up still drunk at 9am only to crack open another beer and start all over again? For the first couple of days you felt like a cross between David Hasselhof and Superwoman... nothing can stop me!
But then somewhere around day three something goes wrong. You wake up in a pool of your own vomit ...

The day after Lila was born I was changing her diaper and noticed something strange. I hate to disclose details involving my daughter's private parts but she had a little, um, dimple above her, um, butt. I didn't think much of it other than it looking a little odd but the pediatrician came in the next morning to talk to us about it. I was listening to her as I was hoisted high ...