MT: I guess this is our first Valentines Day and hopefully the last one we’ll spend apart.

LK: …

MT: It sounds like you’re really tired. Why don’t you go to sleep and I’ll just talk to you because you don’t really say anything anyway. Deal?

EIGHT HOURS LATER

MT: Lennay, I love waking up to the sound of what I think is either you breathing or maybe it’s just what my phone sounds like when I’m talking to myself. I really don’t know.

LK: …

MT: Wish I didn’t have to, but I gotta go babe. Can’t wait to hear your voice (or the sound of you breathing) later!

SPRING BREAK – March 14, 2012 – 10:15 a.m.

MT: Hey babe! I’m in Cabo San Lucas and it’s fucking awesome! Sorry, to swear, but it’s amazing down here and yeah, you can probably tell I’m FUCKING WASTED! I know I’m Mormon and I’m not supposed to have caffeine or Tecate, but it’s my junior year and I love you Lennay Kekau. There. I said it. I love you!

LK: …

MT: You don’t have to say it back…

LK: …

MT: But I wish you would. Anyway, I don’t want to force it, but I love you and I love Mexico! Viva Tequila!

SUMMER VACATION – June 12, 2012 – 7:40 p.m.

MT: Lennay, baby, I wish you could see this Hawaiian sunset. It’s like, the sun was setting and it was so beautiful. The wind sounded like your voice. The sun looked like your face or Joseph Smith’s or Brigham Young. Anyway, it was beautiful, just like you.

LK: …

MT: What did you say? You just got in a car accident? Oh baby. Say it ain’t so! (sniffling, groans, outright crying). Don’t you worry. I’m leaving Hawaii right now. I’m coming to see you.

LK: …

MT: Leukemia! NOOOOOO! Are the doctors positive? NOOOOO! Should you get a second opinion? NOOOO!

LK: ….

MT: Just tell me where you’re staying. I want to see you. I need to see you.

LK: …

MT: Fine, if you really want me to just continue going to school and giving interviews where I talk vaguely about you. I will. Love you, Lennay. I love you…

Between September 10-15, and the time of the above conversation, Lennay Kekau died. Manti sent flowers, gave interviews, and almost won a Heisman. He also got her Twitter avatar tattooed over his heart.

What the future holds for Manti, I do not know, but I do know one thing: without illegal phone tapping we might never have known what was actually said between Manti and his wonderful, soft spoken significant other.

An excerpt from Duncan Chesterfield’s essay, “Ignorance: Why a lack of Elementary Education and Slanted Political Convictions will lead to the Apocalypse”

antigay [an-ti-gay] (noun): one who engages in homophobic inclinations. (e.g. “That John Rocker [1] is quite an antigay[istic].” – Purple haired man riding the number 7 train in New York)

antigayistic [an-ti-gay-is-tic] (adj): the act or quality of possessing homophobic (antigay) tendencies or temperament. (e.g. “Having an antigayistic view of the world will get you nowhere in life.” – Anonymous)

antigayisticism [an-ti-gay-is-tic-ism] (noun) : the practice of of being antigayisitic (one who participates in homophobic activity or conduct). [2] (e.g. “Antigayisticism will no longer be tolerated… wake up people it’s the Twenty-first century.” -member of the IALGPC speaking on grounds of anonymity)

antigayisticismology [an-ti-gay-is-tic-ism-o-lo-gy] (noun): the study and teachings of antigayisticism (homophobic sentiment and those who retain it). [3] (e.g. “If I had it my way, antigayisticismology would be taught in every school across the world.” – Fred Phelps)

[1] Does anyone know where this man is? I imagine he’s living somewhere in Wyoming having an affair with Tonya Harding as the two of them plot their best way to resurface in the world of Reality Television.

[2] In some cases, it (antigayisticism) is practiced by, but not limited to, people living south of the Mason/Dixon line of the United States of America (and/or other rural areas), Evangelical preachers (including, but not limited to the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas), members occupying a Congressional seat in the GOP, everyone and their mother who voted “Yes” on Proposition 8 in the state of California, most Country musicians (not Kenny Chesney because he might be…), Bill O’Reilly, John Hagee, Ann Coulter, Jerry Falwell, Sarah Palin, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church), Joseph Stalin, Tom McClintock, Dick Cheney, et cetera. Many practitioners of antigayisticism do not have the mental aptitude to comprehend why they have such strong sentiment, but nevertheless do. It comes as no surprise when a member of the Grand Old Party maintains a staunch propensity for antigayisticism and is in turn pulled over for driving under the influence of alcohol after leaving a homosexual night club with a gay man in the passenger seat of his car. A direct correlation sometimes (but not always) exists between antigayisticism and latent homosexuality but this is often a highly argued contention. Theorists, who shall remain nameless, have proposed (under speculation) that individuals who retain antigayistic affection only do so as a defense mechanism in an attempt to dissuade others from presuming they are gay.

[3] This course is preached at many private, non-secular colleges across America. Founded in 1984 by Duke Hodges at Freedom and Will University, the course has grown in popularity since its inception and consequently is now offered at seven colleges across the United States of America.