Spoof news stories from Wednesday 21 March 2012

Some of the finer details of the British budget that weren't previously announced by the Chancellor because he had to be home for lunch have now been released by the Treasury.
It was confirmed that dead people will no longer qualify for pension re...

New Orleans sinner Sean Payton must walk the plank. Yes, indeed, Captain Jolly Roger Goodell is treating the Head Coach of the New Orleans Saints like the last of the Blackbeard types.
Walking the plank with sharks below would be too good for the...

Better known for their lack of diplomacy, a group of Somalian Pirates have turned their focus from the high seas to the high courts. They contest that with vessels plying the waters around Somalia now all accompanied by armed guards, the navy or both...

After suffering a horrendous heart-attack during the footy match between Tottenham and Bolton last weekend the soccer-star, Fabrice Muamba, is now gladly recovering. It seems he was clinically dead for 78 minutes and it is a miracle that he is now r...

The President assured the American people that he and the middle class were just friends, and nothing "funny" was going on.
"I care about the middle class. I'm a friend to the middle class, and want the American people to know that" the President...

Her entire life, 48-year-old Libra Madison Powell heard the constant refrain, "Stop being so indecisive!"
And she tried, she really did. As a child, she practiced making smaller decisions of lesser import, like choosing Cheerios over Raisin Bran for her breakfast - only to find herself plagued with doubts while eating her Cheerios, wondering whether the Raisin Bran, or even Corn Flakes, might...

Households across Britain have been warned of the imminent dangers presented to their well-being following the disconcerting revelation they were never more than 6 feet away from a fully formed Tory.
The unfathomably populous homo-sapien Torius-ra...

Palestinian man, Noah, a noted seafaring type of chap, who saved all the animals, by marching them two-by-two onto his ark as the world was inexplicably and surprisingly flooded, today apologised for failing to save the dinosaurs.
"I did me best," a tearful Noah told Skoob News. "But it was a tough call. Have you ever tried rounding up Tyrannosaurs? Or velociraptors? Or catching a pterodactyl i...

The entertainment world had apparently gone long enough without Kim Kardashian in the headlines, so a widely publicized text fight with Mad Men star Jon Hamm must have fit the bill.
"She apparently didn't care much for being called stupid and void...

Reports from the environmental safety organisation, The Ecology Centre, suggest that there are high levels of toxic chemicals in jewellery taken from branches of Claire's, Forever 21, H&M and other retail outlets. Chemicals included lead, cadmium...

Furious exchanges today in the Reichstag as Chancellor Hitler declared confidently that taking Stalingrad would not be a problem.
Herr Hitler responded to criticism of his plan to subjugate the Russian City in pursuit of control of the vast mineral wealth of the Caucasus by saying that the assault on the beleaguered city would reap dividends, and thus aid the war effort.
Plus, it would be on...

Yes, the Barbarians are at the gates.
We speak of the Gates of the Boston TD Garden. With the arrival of the biggest snooze in sports, the manufactured NCAA basketball tournament, the corporations have usurped the fans and taken the home base.

The Vatican has expressed its 'dismay and betrayal' at the Catholic Clergy across Ireland for its failure to invite their seniors to join the many instances of child abuse across the country.
In a report published on Tuesday, it called for a 'new...

The Pennines, a range of hills that run down the back bone of England, are to be moved thirty miles east to make room for a high speed rail link between Leeds and London.
"High speed rail links need flat land," said engineer, Ray L Weigh. "The Pen...

The Irish Government is considering extending the right to vote in presidential elections to Irish citizens living abroad.
Speaking on television last week, Tánaiste Eamon Gilmore revealed that the matter was under consideration because there were...

The discovery of yet another new species has also unearthed a frank admission from Earth science manager at Jurrasic coast heritage park, Richard Edmonds.
Apparently the fossil record is far from complete. This will no doubt surprise the evolution...

TARZANA - Tiger Woods visited the Tarzan & Jane Petting Zoo where he had taken two of his caddy's children for a petting zoo visit.
Little 7-year-old Hayley Venus and 8-year-old Sanborn Johnny Flaxenworthy enjoyed their visit to the most famou...

In 1952, a Nottingham resident and historian, Bartholomew Uttersthwaite (now 68), then an eight-year-old ankle-biter, started to design and build a Time-Machine (push-bike) in the coalhouse in the soot covered backyard of number 6 Brookfield Place, in Nottingham, next to the railway viaduct.
He takes up the story here himself... (oh where is he? Oh, at the WC again... I'll print a few more word...

DENVER - Well now that all of the carnival-like antics and circus atmosphere of The Peyton Manning Free-For-All Fracas Show is over and he has signed with the Denver Broncos the lingering question is now, "What will become of Denver quarterback sensa...

LA BREA - The La Brea Tar Pits are the most famous tar pits in the entire world and they were recently the backdrop for a visit from former X-Factor judge Nicole Scherzinger and current American Idol judge Steven Tyler.
The couple was spotted at t...