I Lost Myself

I'll get right to the point.

I'll get right to the point. ;)

I went in with my friends and we bought a half ounce of Azurscens (the most powerful and potent shroom of them all). We then made a nice plan to go camping, the four of us, and each eat an eighth. Me and one other friend were the only ones who had tripped shrooms before. Keep in mind, these were some POWERFUL shrooms.

It was getting dark. We took a four-wheeler and my dirtbike and transported all of our camping essentials to the site. With out trusty flashlites, we tried to set up the enormous tent I had brought. We decided, after struggling with it for 20 minutes, to just rig it up so that it would stand up. We figured if nothing else, we could just use it as a huge blanket if it wouldn't stand.

We then sat in a circle around our campfire and ate our shrooms. Took a multi-vitamin that had 100% daily value of vitamin C, and put on a tape of Marilyn Manson and Korn.

I was the most experienced with psychedelics, so I knew how to open myself to the experience. I was tripping in about 15 minutes. (By the way, we had no clocks or watches, and time broke down so severely that our trip had no linear quality to it. Times are meaningless from now on.)

We smoked a few extra shrooms mixed with some cannabis, and I immedietely left our circle and started dancing and laughing. I knew at that point that I was in for something incredible. And I was right.

This part, the "going up" part of the trip, is kinda hazy. We danced around, every one of us thinking we were surrounded in water and all our stuff would get wet. As reality broke down, I went through a period of nit understanding anything; the english language was gibberish to me. From this point on, I would be tripping even harder than anybody else there.

I remember my other experienced friend puking. I could tell he was starting to have a panic attack, and I felt bad. After he puked, another friend puked, and we all went through a sadness, such an extreme sadness and sickness that we all just wanted it to end. But I had experienced this before, and I told them what I tell anybody to do during this part of a strong trip: Just breath.

So I layed down in the rocks of our campsite and breathed. Kind of a zen-yoga breathing, and I found myself floating in the stars. The only connection with my friends I had was sound. I could hear them but my reality was slipping away fast. After a long period of this, I realized I would be angry with myself if I woke the next day having slept outside on the rocks. So I felt my way into the tent.

I say that I felt my way into the tent, because by this point my entire range of vision was filled with meaningless hallucinations. Just a mass of colors that were dark and bright at the same time. Occasionally, something familiar would pop into my vision, but it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.

I lay there, in the tent. I knew my friends were still outside, moaning, talking in half-sentences about how hard they were tripping. But I was beyond speech at this point. I layed in the tent, breathing, and my emotions went numb. I didn't feel sad, nor did I feel happy. I just breathed. And eventually I had forgotten that I was real. I had forgotten who I was.

I Lost Myself. I was no longer human.

At first I melted into a liquid, and lost my identity and person. And then I felt my liquid state disappear, vaporize into a pure energy state.

But not just pure energy. I had become pure sound.

I had said that my vision was covered in meaningless color. But at this point, my eyes ceased to exist, so my "vision" was blank and dark. I tried to lick my lips, and found that I had none to lick. Whatever I had been before, it was gone.

My friends apparently discovered the tent, and came crashing in. It didn't matter, I was in a new world, a new dimension. Somehow, the universe my friends were in was connected to mine via nothing but sound. I heard one of my friends calling my name, asking me useless questions. I managed to eminate sounds. Actually, I created whole words, into the phrase "Shut up and leave me alone." Now, my lips hadn't spoken this, but it had just been an extension of my self, my new non-existence.

I heard this same friend hack up a big wad of phlegm, and I said something that still amazes me today. I said "Don't spit in the tent."

Even though I didn't exist any more, and I was in a different dimension, I still knew that it was bad to "spit" in things called "tents." Isn't that great? :)

I don't remember what caused me to snap out of this state of non-being. I quickly looked up at where I knew one of my friends was, and even though I couldn't see him (nothing but colors and hallucinations) I spoke to him. I told him I was on a totally different plane as him. And then I sat up, and pondered it all. I finally came to a conclusion.

I decided that there WAS a physical existence. I even declared this to my friends. It was so wonderful! Things DID exist, and whatever I was, I WAS alive.

From this point on was my very favorite part of the trip. Because I re-learned everything. After deciding that there was a physical existence, I decided that I was probably a human being. My thoughts went like this: "Well, I guess I'll stand up now. Humans stand up, and I'm a human now, so yes, I shall stand up."

I looked at the world, I looked at the water, remembering when I was a liquid. I viewed it all in a new lite, and started all over again as to learn who I was. I saw beauty in all things, even "bad" things. And I learned to accept who I was, finally.

As reality set back in, I realized that I was the only one who didn't puke. All three of my friends had vomited at some point. This probably had a lot to do with the strength of my trip. I kept my shrooms down. :)

Will I trip again? Oh hell yeah. Will I trip that hard? Nope. if I ever trip that hard again, it will be many many many years from now. I didn't expect to lose myself like that. It wasn't a fun experience, just an intense experience. And my life will be changed forever.