It’s the day after the United States of America AKA THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH’s birth. You wake from your food coma and find yourself on the couch, your extra large t-shirt with Old Glory herself, the American flag, ketchup stained from the hamburger and hot dog holocaust that occurred just outside, only hours earlier.

You get up off the couch, a styrofoam plate with a half eaten hamburger patty falls from your belly to the floor. You look outside your window and see your teenage daughter, wearing her stars and stripes print bikini, frolicking through the sprinklers with her equally patriotic American flag swimming trunk donning friends.

Just next to them, over in the shade, your old pal Merle cooks up a leftover hot dog on the grill. He grabs a plate, finishes that hot dog in 2 seconds flat, takes a swig of his beer, and wipes his hands with the festive American flag napkins you bought to celebrate America’s independence.

As you prepare to head outside, you tie your Star-Spangled Banner bandana around your balding head to protect yourself from getting too sweaty under the scorching sun. However, before heading out, you decide to take a look on Facebook to see how Cousin Cletus spent his Fourth of July. Logging in, you see a post from your favorite Facebook page, “Ban Islam,” pop up in your newsfeed. And…

OH MY GOD. A MUSLIM WORE AN AMERICAN FLAG HIJAB OR WHATEVER THEM SHARIA LOVIN’ MOOSLUMS CALL THEIR HEAD COVERINGS.

WHAT A SLAP IN THE FACE TO AMERICA AND A DISGRACE TO THE FLAG.

You take a deep breathe after reading the comments. Thankfully, while you were out celebrating July 4th like a good Patriotic Judeo-Christian American™, other fellow patriots stepped in. They made the heroic sacrifice and held down the fort to make sure Muslims were being met with racist, misogynistic, Islamophobic shit talk on the internet while everyone else was out watching fireworks. Kenyan MOOSLUM in Chief Barack HUSSEIN Obama may take away our military’s right to a July 4th firework spectacular, but he can’t take away our GOD GIVEN RIGHT to HATE, dammit. This is AMERICA.

Just then, you hear a drunken Merle cussing outside. Seems like he accidentally knocked over his beer. Thankfully, though, the Star-Spangled Banner tablecloth you had draped over the table quickly absorbs it all.