After many years of feeling lost…I’ve learned that we may not ever have it all figured out. But, the best start to any new journey is having the curiosity, motivation, and even courage, to find “it”. Now I’m sure you’re probably wondering what “it” is. Well, my quickest explanation is that “it” is the thing we all search for, and hope to discover which truly makes us happy beyond anything else. You know…that feeling you get when you lose yourself in something and are just consumed with happiness and fulfillment from it. “It” is the thing that’s most capable of transcending us into another world.

Every morning we wake up, shower, brush our teeth, and head off to work. We sit at a desk, or listen to someone else tell us what we should or shouldn’t be doing, at a job we probably hate. It almost seems like a waste of life to spend so much time on things that do not feed us. So why do we do it? Have we become so conditioned into believing things that do not matter, that we’re willing to sacrifice who we are or who we may become just to Mentally, physically, emotionally. After all, time is the one thing we can never get back. So it always seems silly to live your whole life following rules and feeling obligated to do things that you otherwise couldn’t care less about.

I feel like far too often we become slaves of the day to day nothingness society forces upon us. It’s monotonous and boring. Yet we do it, and we live it just to survive.

Every morning we wake up, shower, brush our teeth, and head off to work. We sit at a desk, or listen to someone else tell us what we should or shouldn’t be doing, at a job we probably hate. It almost seems like a waste of life to spend so much time on things that do not feed us. So why do we do it? Have we become so conditioned into believing in things that do not matter; so much so, that we’re willing to sacrifice who we are or who we may become? Mentally, physically, and even emotionally…

Time is the one thing we can never get back. Yet we waste it frivolously. It seems silly to live your whole life following rules and feeling obligated to do things that you otherwise couldn’t care less about. So again, why do we do it?

Can you think of anything in the world that makes you feel absolutely free? Is it music, is it writing, is it imagination? We all have something, the tricky part is finding it before we run out of time.

Freedom shouldn’t come at a cost. Yet we pay for it, by working hard the majority of our lives only to end up old and frail. Shouldn’t the goal to be to find something that makes us feel free all the time? And enjoy while you still can?

Now while the saying goes that thoughts become things. I’ve also heard that when you write things out, the likelihood of them coming to fruition becomes greater too. So instead of constantly living as a slave to circumstance, I write this as a vow to discover what truly feeds my soul.

…I hope you all do the same.

When you find it I’d love to hear more about your stories, and one day soon I hope to share my it with you allas well.

It rained all day today and as I lay in bed I couldn’t help but wish I was laying with you
The sound against my window reminds me of how your heart ticks
It’s a rhythm that cracks like lightning and shakes the room
And it’s the kind of heartbeat that’s powerful enough to illuminate the sky

I remember laying my head on your chest and falling asleep to the rhythm
It was a feeling so comforting I wished it would never end
But this love could never be
Because you can’t stand the rain

You don’t see the romance in how each raindrop dances as it falls from the clouds
You don’t feel how the wind caresses your skin after a rain shower
And you don’t wait around long enough to watch the flowers bloom or the trees grow

I wanted to make love to you on the rooftop and feel the rain pour over our skin
But you said only holy water can wash sins
Then right after, you offered to pray for me

I was willing to drown in our love
But you were afraid of getting wet
So our love dried up as the rain passed
And after that, nothing was the same anymore.

Today you are strong enough to push yourself out of bed, shower, and make it to work.

I’ve come to notice that half the time people think anxiety and depression is made up, and that you’re faking these feelings for “attention”, or that you’re just being “dramatic”. They would never know that people like me have gone years hiding it, and putting on a fake smile as to not draw attention to how they really feel. Most people could never understand that some days leaving the house is the hardest part, and that living with anxiety doesn’t mean you’re afraid of everything or everyone. Sometimes it means you’re invited to parties or shows, but you hate going places alone, and you hate crowds of people, so you never show. Then eventually the invitations stop coming. It means, you only eat from places that offer online ordering options, because you hate speaking on the phone. So you never try the new restaurants around town. And sometimes it means, you spend all night watching Netflix at home alone. So you never meet that man or woman you can potentially fall in love with.

It’s Friday again, but most of my weekends are spent in my room, or on the couch. My parents don’t say it, but I know they’re ready for me to leave and be on my own. They wish I had a nice boyfriend to spend time with, who will eventually propose…but I hardly ever leave the house unless it’s for work or small errands. I don’t have friends to go on trips with, and my birthdays are more often than not spent alone. I don’t meet new people, and I’m trapped in my own thoughts so it makes it hard to trust or be vulnerable…I’m always pretending to be ok, but no one really sees me.

I like my space, but sometimes it gets lonely. I’m working on getting out more, but when I do, I feel so exhausted. No amount of sleep seems to help make me feel alive, so when I say I’d rather stay in, people laugh and just assume I’m the “old lady friend” who hates staying out late. They don’t understand it’s exhausting convincing myself I’m actually wanted, and that they aren’t just pretending to be my friend. They don’t understand how skeptical I am of people, and that I’m socially awkward.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, so people take advantage of my kindness, and eventually they move along to someone else they can use. So I keep my distance, and remain guarded. People that meet me say I’m great, and funny, and cool, but eventually they stop reaching out and we drift apart and don’t speak. So I go back into my shell feeling like people hate me, and I end up wishing for just one best friend who will stick around. But they never come. Even now, I’m up at 4:36AM because my mind is racing anxiously…This is what’s it’s like living with anxiety and depression.