He’s making me pay for my own birthday dinner.

He’s making me pay for my own birthday dinner.

Kate de Brito

–,
Wednesday,
November,
14,
2012,(8:11am)

Dear Bossy: Five months ago I started dating a really lovely guy. He’s silly where I’m boring, very handsome and we have a great time when we’re together. I’m British and currently sponsored on a 457 visa with a good job. He’s Italian and on a student visa (he’s been studying for the past 5 years) so can only work 20 hours a week.

I’m always being told I’m far too nice, which means I generally end up paying for dinner etc when we go out, or the movies etc. Currently I think he earns roughly $400 a week, and I think his parents help out with his rent, but he also has to pay for his school, so he has to save $300 a week, which obviously doesn’t leave much else for him to spend.

I guess it hasn’t bothered me so far but it’s my 30th birthday this week and he has suggested going to a lovely restaurant in the Rocks. The problem is that I know I am going to have to pay for it. (This happened the other weekend when we went to dinner and the bill came. He looked at it and announced that he had no money and couldn’t pay for it so I would have to pay. This really annoyed me as I appreciate he has no money but to suggest this place for dinner then to turn round and announce he couldn’t pay only after the bill had come really annoyed me).

While I earn a respectable amount, I can’t afford to support someone else, or pay for dinners everytime. How can I approach the subject with him, or what should I do? In a couple of years he will have earning potential when he completes his studies (I’m guessing, if he can get a visa. He’s exceptionally committed to his career but he’s just being held back by his visa restrictions), but is it worth always asking ‘what if’? How much can I overlook his financial situation without ruining the relationship?? I mean sure if we’d been together for years this might be more acceptable, but it’s been 5 months.

My main annoyance, without sounding selfish, is having to pay for my own birthday dinner. Is this just something I should suck up?

Any advice much appreciated,
Thanks

Bossy says: There are all sorts of ways to approach this but most of them should have been done long ago. Simply putting in half the amount on your birthday night and expecting him to put in the rest will most likely lead to embarrassment for you and probably with you still paying.

The best way forward is to talk to him and tell him that while you understand that while he’s in a bit of a tight spot financially you sometimes feel he is taking you a for granted.

This may offend him terribly so if you are not prepared for that fallout you probably need to make the decision to say nothing at all and keep coughing up.

If you can handle it and you are prepared to potentially rupture your five months of bliss then just say it. But try not to blame him and tell him he’s a user. That won’t work. Tell him instead how you feel.

Before you do, however, consider whether there are also some cultural issues at play. Maybe in his culture it’s expected for a lover or friend to pay for food if you don’t have any of the ready yourself.

I would also reconsider doing it before your birthday. The fact is he’s not going to pay for that dinner is probably because he can’t, not just won’t. So do you want to have a fight and cancel or end up going to some crappy place and both of your sulking through it, or having a great time on your birthday?

My tip is bury the resentment for your birthday night , go in knowing you are going to have a great night and part of that will be treating your boyfriend to a meal - with drinks.

In the days or weeks that follow sit him down and tell him how you feel. Tell him it’s not a criticism but you’re pretty sure you are going to feel resentful if you pay for all the dinners for the next two years.

Then put it back in him. Ask what he thinks you should both do? Let him know you are happy to pay sometimes but you want to feel it’s a choice not an expectation. And occasionally you’d like to feel he saved up a bit to take you out even if it’s somewhere cheap and especially if it’s an important date.

I can’t say he’ll react the right way but your other options are stark.

nevertheless, goin out with a 30 year old without their ducks in a row is almost an epidemic these days.

Elphaba replied to Shaun
Wed 14 Nov 12 (02:40pm)

How embarrassment!

Nick replied to Shaun
Thu 15 Nov 12 (01:07pm)

What’s the rush? I didn’t have any ducks, let alone a row of ducks, when I was a 30yo - nowadays I have lots of ducks, and although they are scattered somewhat haphazardly an optimistic non-statistician could probably fit a straight line to them.

The question is one that has come up in almost every relationship I’ve been in...back when I earned bugger all I was the one who tended to take a back seat when it came to picking up bills etc, later on the roles were switched. Nowadays, with the assistance of a few hundred cattle etc, I am the sole provider for a woman, two kids, three dogs, two cats, a frog and assorted tadpoles, a handful of fish, and a few chooks (admittedly the latter are expected to contribute). So I feel like I’ve seen both sides from various angles.

The simple answer is that the OP’s greater spending power is being taken for granted, but not necessarily wilfully. It’s easy to drop into the habit of thinking of money as “our money”. If the boyfriend is remotely reasonable or self-aware he will already be aware of this at some level. A bit of a grumble should see him pick up the slack - for example being the one who runs into the bottle shop while the OP waits in the car etc. But also the OP needs to recognise the disparity - instead of accepting the offer to go to a restaurant why not suggest something more affordable for both of you - a romantic picnic costs essentially nothing for example. Do it explicitly - just say that you think it is too expensive and make it part of your relationship to be cost aware for each other. Those kinds of simple shifts in language and expectation should fix the problem. If not then the boyfriend needs a bit of a boot up the arse and if the relationship has any future it should be able to survive one or the other of you swinging the odd boot from time to time.

Ack - I seem to have caught the essay writing disease, I’ll take some medication and promise not to do it again.

Robbity replied to Shaun
Thu 15 Nov 12 (04:46pm)

Knowing that they are both men makes Bossys’s comment (2nd last para) all the more hilarious… She says:

Then put it back in him.

Bwahahahahahahahahahaha

They are both men

I think you’re right. Must be a story in that Shaun…

Kate de BritoWed 14 Nov 12 (02:39pm)

You’re being played. I’m sure all your friends and family see it as well.

This guy is out here on a student visa, aka, “scam to stay in the country when you don’t have any real skills to offer”. He’s here for a good time, and that good time is currently being funded by you.

Not many courses go longer than 5 years. I think he is a freeloader. If he’s been here for 5 years he would be entitled to residency and able to work full-time. He is playing you and you need to get out of the relationship. Why don’y you find a good Aussie bloke rather a scabby italian cheapscate…

Actually depends on what level of study he is doing. A bachelor and masters degree can equal up to 5 years, add a PHD onto that and you’re looking at 11 years!

Hi OP,
I am assuming Chris is short for Christine, if not then just realise you are now the bitch in the relationship.
What I can’t understand is how a pom on a 457 meets an Italian on a student visa in country so far remote from your origins? Why don’t you both piss of back to the EU and leave our jobs and uni places to Aussies?
As for your birthday, well suck it up princess, you want to root, you gotta pay for it one way or another.

“Why don’t you both piss of back to the EU and leave our jobs and uni places to Aussies?”

People who make comments like this make Australia a worse place.

Your an idiot

MoeBro replied to gof
Thu 15 Nov 12 (10:19am)

Hahaha very well said Gof!!

OP I think you’re just a sook. Do this guy a favour and break up with him. You’re treating this relationship like an investment, assessing his future earning potential and worrying about who pays for meals, knowing full well that he can’t afford it now.

Give yourself the flick.

shesajem replied to gof
Thu 15 Nov 12 (11:22am)

I’m assuming you are Australian and am therefore embarrassed by your comment.

Sounds like he’s treating you like a sugar mamma.

But as always the answer is ‘communication’. Bossy’s advice is spot on, broach the subject as level headedly as you can, say “I don’t want to fight about this, I just want to talk about it because its been bothering me and I don’t want it to come between us, and it might if I keep quiet”
Then follow it up with “I know I earn more money then you, but I cant help getting the impression from you that you’re relying on me to pay for more then my share”
I strongly believe relationships have to be 50/50 when it comes to money, so neither party feels taken advantage on. If he can’t afford it, go to a cheaper resturant.

Hey I resent that, it’s not a woman’s right to have everything paid for unless you have an understanding (ie you’re a prostitute or stay at home mum).

Not all of us expect to be showered in money, I have always earned more than my boyfriends and therefore paid the majority but they make a willing contribution where they can and that’s what’s important.

I bet if he’d suggested they stay home and he cook a meal for her she’d love that because it’s the thought that counts.

Guess what?

You now know what it’s like to be a bloke and pay for everything.

I’m sure there’s two or three other chicks out there who pay for everything, but most of the time the guys are expected to pay up and shut up.

He’s been studying for 5 years? Is he stupid or does he have freeloading down to a fine art?

Here’s a hint girls, if you want to be the freeloader, don’t date wogs on student visas.

OP, in another 5 years when your wog boy finally graduates from whatever is his choice of bludging occupation, you’ll be getting uptight about having kids and will soon thereafter start buying cats and giving them stupid names.

Find a decent bloke who doesn’t mind you bludging off of him like most other women do.

Believe it or not, there are degrees that take longer than 2 years to complete. If you want to go into certain areas of law or medicine for example, you may end up studying for 10 years to get to where you want to be. The outcome of course, is a ridiculously high annual income, which is probably well deserved after all the hard work put into reaching the position! What a ridiculous assumption.

The bigots are coming out in droves today…

Rabbit replied to dave
Wed 14 Nov 12 (02:46pm)

Believe it or not, there are degrees that take longer than 2 years to complete. If you want to go into certain areas of law or medicine for example, you may end up studying for 10 years to get to where you want to be. The outcome of course, is a ridiculously high annual income, which is probably well deserved after all the hard work put into reaching the position! What a ridiculous assumption.

The bigots are coming out in droves today…

sheesh replied to dave
Wed 14 Nov 12 (02:57pm)

wow, you’re really missing the point that they’re *both* male.

but hey, they might be getting uptight about kids in 5 years and turning into crazy cat men. crazy doesn’t discriminate on gender

Happy Dude replied to dave
Thu 15 Nov 12 (07:50am)

“don’t date wogs on student visas”

Generalizing a bit aren’t we?

Its interesting that rather than him suggesting they stay in as he has no cash, he is happy to suggest they go out to restaurants and have her pay.

I think it would be a worthwhile experiment if she suggested that they stay in more often because she doesnt want him to feel like he is sponging off her. I think if he’s with her because he genuinely likes her, he’ll have no problems with this. If he’s there because he prefers a nice lifestyle with nice dinners out paid for by someone else, then he’ll have a whinge and leave.

It’s your 30th birthday woman! Organise a bunch of friends and book somewhere where everyone can pay for themselves, go to a pub (there are plenty of nice pubs around), organise a picnic.

You like this man because he’s silly, whilst you are boring. Silly men rarely ever have money, even if they’re in well-paying jobs. Accept your relationship for what it is, and enjoy it, and stop weirding out of money. If somewhere is to expensive for you to cover, then don’t go there.

Talk to him and tell him that you need to reconsider where you are going for your dinner - say you’d rather go some place else and ask him to make the booking there.
When getting ready to go out - drop the hint that as its your birthday you’ll make like The Queen and not carry any cash on you as it’ll be his treat tonight.

You do have to TALK to him and explain that you can’t fund his life as much as you are - you don’t mind paying every now and then that he needs to pay every now and then (alternate)
Pick less expensive places when you go out. - when its your turn to pay for dinner - eat in and cook instead.

Stop paying all of the time for everything. (esp when its “his turn")
Start taking less money with you. Say you have left your cards at home and only bring enough to cover the cab fare home and a couple of drinks - offer to him when the bill comes a crisp $50 (or at least half the amount of dinner) and leave it as that.
He’ll soon cop on.
If after 5 months and a possible future together you can’t talk reasonably about money now you never will.
Don’t make it a huge issue - just stop paying all of the time.

He’s been studying for 5 years… really? Brain surgery or rocket science?
If he has a full course load then he should be finished or very, very close to it no matter what course he is doing.
If he has two years left then I think you are being taken for a ride while he has an extended holiday. You are being too nice.
Harden up honey, you are a grown up and you need a grown up boyfriend too.

I’ve worked with quite a number of Australian born Italians over the years. One thing I’ve noticed with many of them, most of them are taught by their parents to save money for their futures. Meaning they won’t overspend where they do not need to. They will build their financial nest egg for their cars, houses, etc. The big things in life. So, I’d be assuming your boyfriend is possibly doing the same thing. Especially, since he seems to be Italian born, if he’s here on a student visa.

However, expecting you to pay for everything is unfair and for him to be suggesting places he knows he won’t dip into his wallet for, is unwarranted.

One thing you need to take into consideration in regards to your birthday, remember it’s YOUR birthday and you have full say where you would like to go on your birthday. Especially, if it’s you who is paying for it.

A year ago I dated a stingy man. I paid for the majority of the dates and financially it was crippling. Fast forward a year and a bit and he is my boyfriend..... He also had enough money to take off to Europe for 6 weeks and dumped me the day before we flew out.

Some men are users.

I broached the subject of not receiving valentines, birthday or anniversary gifts and he said he was poor. Later on I find out he isn’t poor, but earns twice my income, share options, plus a $10k bonus at the end of the financial year. He took me for a ride.

OP, My partner is Italian and frugal - but he would never dream of making me pay for everything, let alone spend endless years studying when there is money to be made.

Sure he squeezes every last drop out of toothpaste tubes and recycles envelopes and stuff like that - but so do I!

But we still have fun, and he is not so stingy that he would sponge off me. Anyone who does on a long term basis is a user.

Dont get taken for a ride OP, draw a line and stick to your guns.

Being Italian isnt an excuse to be a tight culo. Tell him he’s stupido if he thinks he can book YOUR birthday dinner then make YOU pay for it. Draw the line and if need be erase the sponger from your life...otherwise he will keep sucking you dry (Pun not intended)

I weep for society today!

Be wary of dating foreigners from The Continent. Whilst many are decent folk, some can be Lotharios who are merely out to take advantage of others.

Personally, I think it is cheeky of your swain to suggest an expensive restaurant when he knows full well that you will be paying his way. And for YOUR special occasion, no less! I wonder if he will even buy you a present?

You now have to decide whether to go to this restaurant and pay for him, or whether to suggest something less expensive, but make it clear you expect him to treat you. I cannot make the decision for you, but if I were in your shoes, I would kindly but firmly tell him that you would like him to organise something for your birthday, even if it is inexpensive. There are lots of lovely activities he could arrange that cost little to no money. For example, a moonlight picnic in the park. Or a stroll along the waterfront, accompanied by him reading you a hand-written poem.

Kate de BritoWed 14 Nov 12 (01:52pm)

sigh.... so many memories of an ex just came flooding back. You’re right, it’s selfish to expect one person to pay all the time (unless it’s a well-discussed arrangement, ie. stay at home mother).

I remember a birthday when he suggested a fancy meal. Same thing happened as you, the bill came and he just looked at me. As he gave me a scarf he bought I looked at the gift and everything was complete. It wasn’t that it was 3 quid from Sainsburys, it is was that it was a style and colours that I NEVER wear and just made me think do you really know me at all? Have you ever paid attention?

As a Christmas baby I’m not one for a fuss but I would have preferred cheap Diva jewellery that he knew I liked and he could have cooked me a meal at home. That would have meant so much more.

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