Battle of the Bad Mexican Fast-Food Chains: Taco Bell vs. Taco John's

BROOKINGS, S.D.--I'm speaking tonight at South Dakota State University, a day after having spent the week eating my way through Tex-Mex heaven in San Antonio. Quite a difference from the land of Flaco Jimenez to that of Laura Ingalls Wilder--and then there's the Mexican food.

In San Antonio, I ate puffy tacos, chile con carne, breakfast tacos, and the beautiful breakfast called migas (not the Argentine white-bread sandwich but a type of chilaquiles where the cooks don't fry the tortilla strips and substitute potatoes for rice. Here? The homegrown food is the Taco John's chain, a chain almost exclusively limited to places where wabs haven't historically lived--the Midwest. Can you believe it's been around since the late 1960s, started by gabachos in Wyoming, and has over 425 locations? Man, the Reconquista gets around!

Usually, I avoid Mexican food when away the safe regions of the country, but I always wanted to taste the Taco John's experience. It didn't disappoint. From finding out that they sell West-Mex® cuisine (hey, Californians and foodies: have you EVER heard this term before? West according to what geographic standard?) to their logo (a Jaliscan charro dressed in a Western handkerchief and silver-button shirt), Taco John's is a comedy of earnest-but-wrong intentions. The tragedy of this is that they could've one-upped Taco Bell in the burrito game if they didn't try to pretend to be so damn Mexican.

Amazingly, Taco Man sides with Taco Bell on this one...

We all know the typical Taco Bell burrito: bland, with a bit of hot sauce. Taco John's sells something called the meat and potato burrito. It's not a breakfast burrito, which should give pause to those of us who grew up on the stuff. Mexicans, now that I think about it, really don't eat potatoes unless they're inside tacos de canasta (fried, skinny Mexico City-style tacos) or in a soup. We'll accept it in hash brown form or sauteed in a burrito. But the potatoes in this burrito is very much a nod to our heartlanders--they're tater tots (trademarked as Potato Olés®--what's with all the copyright protection? Only a fool would copy this chain). The tater tots have nothing Mexican about them, but are fine and crunchier than usual. Coupled with good-enough meat and a dab of sour cream, and I can see Taco John's beat Taco Bell in this burrito battle.

But...the nacho cheese. Horrible choice. Overwhelmed all the other flavors. Even cheddar cheese would've been better. Nacho cheese is a dangerous proposition, and works only with crunch to counterbalance its sogginess. The tater tots weren't enough. Do the people here think the only Mexican cheese that exists is nacho? I ate Taco John's meat and potato burritos, but was absolutely underwhelmed.

Final knock: no heat. None. Even Taco Bell offers their vanilla salsa.

Tellingly, Taco John's only Southwestern locations are on military bases. I don't want to slur our fine men and women in the armed forces, but Taco John's knows better than to expand into the Southwest--midwesterners might still be slack-jawed yokels when it comes to Mexican cuisine, but not even Jim Gilchrist would patronize Taco John's. Probably Barbara Coe, though...

Gustavo Arellano is the editor of OC Weekly, author of the syndicated column "¡Ask a Mexican!", and Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America. He started at the paper with an angry, fake letter to the editor and went from there—only in Anacrime!