Spouse has crossed line with ‘friends’ on Facebook

Q. My spouse of two years keeps many “friends” on Facebook who are clearly strippers. In all their photos, they’re in barely-there bikinis or lingerie.

I’ve mentioned repeatedly that I find this disrespectful to our relationship and me. He keeps saying that he’ll delete them, but he hasn’t.

I don’t find this appropriate, nor is visiting strip clubs. Am I out of line?

A. You’re both “out of line” — he for ignoring your feelings, you for issuing standards that need to be discussed, not demanded.

The photos: Facebook photos are public, widely viewed. It’s like he’s boasting about his association with these much-exposed “friends.” That is disrespectful to you and your relationship, and you need to talk about why he’s saying he’ll delete them, but doesn’t.

On strip club visits: if frequent and his main venue for nights out, red flags are waving. He hasn’t accepted that a committed relationship has boundaries.

For you, he’s crossing the line with excessive interest in naked women and whatever he does at these clubs. Tell him that you’d like him to stop. If he goes only very occasionally, it’s less worrisome.

But if you issue orders about his behaviour, you’ll create a power struggle (or already have). In that case, you two may need marital counselling to learn how to handle conflicts.

Commentary

I worked for a high-prestige company that had an internal culture of fear, paranoia and controlling leadership.

My superior soon displayed an alcohol problem. During a business trip I was asked to come to his hotel room regarding an office matter. He’d obviously been drinking and continued.

He shared information about his affair with a subordinate. Feeling sick, I excused myself to the washroom. When I re-entered the room, he’d removed his clothes and a porno movie was playing.

He said he was open for fun and perhaps a female friend of mine would join us. I said he was very ill, needed to seek help and left.

The next day he told me that if I disclosed the incident, I’d risk losing my job, and if I disclosed his affair, I’d also be in a career-limiting position.

There followed years of verbal abuse in meetings, being told I was stupid or incompetent. Threats to my job were ongoing, plus scrutiny for any industry acquaintances because he was paranoid I had too many supporters. Company colleagues or outside industry partners were questioned routinely.

Many incidents were in front of people who questioned the harsh treatment toward me, but it persisted.

Most of my weekends were spent trying to gather the strength to face Monday. I eventually began to speak up and fight back. My performance reviews were stellar as other senior management checked them off.

In the end, I was fired. I disclosed some of the abuse on my exit but too late to save my career, even when colleagues and clients were outraged.

I was crushed and disheartened, robbed of my career.

I’ve tried to move on and love of family and friends helped. I share my story to let others know that this kind of stuff happens to good people and you’re not alone if it happens to you.

Ellie’s response

A tragic experience, with a simple lesson for others: Do not let threats and intimidation rule your response to abuse. Speak up early, and loud. Write dated, detailed reports of the events, and deliver to your human resources department as well as highest management levels.

Q. I’m mid-30s, male and enjoy watching porn. Unfortunately, I’m somewhat addicted, but I don’t buy any or have any at home; I just view it online.

I believe that porn watching should be discussed with a partner because it can interfere in a physical relationship.

If one partner likes watching porn, the other must find out why. My reason — I’m into voyeur fantasy and that is all.

A. Recognition of your own addiction is a warning signal to be heeded. Excuses like “I don’t buy” are another sign ... like the alcoholic who only drinks at night (a bottle every night).

You don’t seem to have a partner now, so the fantasy desire is understandable. But be aware that most partners will not appreciate and accept an addiction. So start setting limits while you still can, e.g. get involved in an outside activity, which precludes porn watching, twice weekly.