2.) Despite all we’ve said about Seagal, we are not too big to overlook the man’s well-documented skills and well-earned accolades regarding said skills. He may be a literal shadow of his former self (seriously, has anyone seen him donning anything but black since, like, 2006?), but the fact remains that Seagal is one lethal sumbitch who could probably lay waste to the entire CagePotato staff without (barely) breaking a sweat.

Now that we’ve gotten all that out of the way, holy shit, you guys, you NEED to see this video of Seagal’s recent “martial arts masterclass” held in Russia.

I don’t know if Steven Seagal is my favorite cartoon character of all time, but he definitely cracks the top 5 (somewhere between Randy Marsh and Duckman). Like all great cartoon characters, Seagal combines a dangerous lack of self-awareness with a penchant for (unintentionally) hilarious one-liners. He’s also the ultimate anti hero — an egomaniacal martial artist-cum-actor-cum-blues musician who has held the titles of both deity and Cock Puncher without once cracking under the insanity of it all. How can you not love the guy?

Well, if the recent lawsuit filed against Seagal is any indication, the answer to the that question is simple: Because he won’t allow you *not* to. (Ed note: Too soon? Too soon.)

According to The New York Daily News, the star of On Deadly Ground and perpetual guy-who-hangs-around MMA fighters is being sued to the tune of $1 million by Kayden Nguyen, a 23-year-old model claiming that what started off as a job cleaning mountains of D’Angelo’s wrappers out of Seagal’s Subaru Baja somehow devolved into something much, much more disgusting:

Nguyen says she was hired as an assistant, but then was used as a “sex toy.” Reportedly two other women have provided sworn declarations to assist in the lawsuit. Both women worked for Seagal but resigned after he made inappropriate sexual advances towards them.

Seagal’s lawyer Marty Singer characterized the accusations as “absurd” and says the actor has “no knowledge of these women.”

He continued, “The declarations were clearly prepared by Nguyen’s lawyer to be leaked to the media to help bolster his client’s meritless claims.”

You see, where I’d typically be filled with blood-boiling rage and simultaneous “Holier than thou” frustration with all the things wrong in the world while watching something like the above video of Steven Seagal pretending to be a security expert on the Sochi Olympics (previously: inventor of the front kick, school shooting task force specialist, actor, musician, etc.) I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I hated every word that Seagal said, and I really, truly wanted to hate him for saying them, but I’m just too…bewildered, I guess. Apathetic even. Seagal’s self-servicing arrogance has reached a level so unbelievably high that it almost transcends him as an individual. The portrait he has painted of himself and his standing in our society as a source of wisdom is so out of touch with reality that it borders on an Always Sunny episode. How can you make a joke about a joke, you know? You’re not going to “reach” Seagal, because if you looked behind his firing range goggles you’d probably see something like this. He’s just a vessel, a skin suit in which the entity of madness has been contained for the good of the many, until he dies and passes it on to the next generation.

You can’t get mad at Steven Seagal. It would be like screaming at a rain cloud.

The real question is: Which of these facts is makes you the saddest?
a) STEVEN SEAGAL has a better relationship with Vladimir Putin than our President
b) STEVEN SEAGAL is asked to give foreign policy advice to the President in the above video (and does), or
c) There are people out there who might actually find comfort in the words of STEVEN SEAGAL, the same guy who once threatened to “cut off the head and piss down the throat” of that chicken-shit pussy asshole Richie?

In the moments and even days following his stunning loss to Chris Weidman last month, fans of long-time UFC middleweight champion Anderson Silva wondered if perhaps the Spider we had all come to know and love might never return. Silva initially balked at a rematch with Weidman, after all, and said that he didn’t want any more title fights.

“He is determined, but has two arms and two legs just like me. Now I’ll bring Chuck Norris into my training camp]. I’ll bring both, Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal.”

There you have it, nation. Anderson Silva, super troll, has always preceded Anderson the devastating fighter. Here, in coded language, is Anderson Silva telling all his fans throughout the world, “I am once more ready to fuck with you, mentally, the way I have always fucked with you.”

Former Silva foe Demian Maia recently spoke to Yahoo! Esportes and had the guts to go on record and state the obvious — that the bloated fake martial artist and movie actor Steven Seagal has absolutely nothing to teach a real fighter like Silva, and everyone knows it. “That’s a lie, is marketing,” Maia said.

(Seagal, seen here donning various items of clothing he had stolen from the cubbies of children he cared so dearly for.)

Somewhere between Hard to Kill and Cockpuncher, Steven Seagal experienced a Christ-like resurrection of his career using only the power of audacity and the “free member for life” coupon to Old Country Buffet he had secured through a sponsorship deal in 1989. Seemingly overnight, the aging sensei emerged from a bargain bin of straight-to-DVD cop films (which to be fair, is a game he’ll never truly leave behind) and gut-bustingly awful musical endeavors to become the personal mentor of the pound-for-pound greatest fighter in the world, inventor of the front kick, and a “respected” member of the law enforcement community. Like the Phoenix who rose out of the Arby’s wrappers of its former self, Seagal was able to successfully come back from the dead and reconnect with semi-fame. And he is not letting go this time.

Take the events of this past weekend, for instance, in which Seagal was able to use said fame to join forces with the Maricopa County Police Department and assemble a posse (his words, not mine) of school shooting response specialists. Because if anyone knows how to react to a real life crisis situation, it’s the guy who has made a career terribly pretending to react to fake ones.

After the jump: A video snippet of this hilariously misguided endeavor, featuring paintball warfare, some misplaced picketing, and a surprising lack of firing range goggles*.