USB toothbrush could raise house prices

Soon enough you’ll never have to leave the comfort of your bedroom. Curtains drawn with a winch from the window for the pizza delivery man – you’re sorted. The only real problem is having to go to that pesky bathroom.

Philips hasn’t solved the problem of needing a dump mid-World of Warcraft – and we don’t advise Cartman-from-South-Park-esque levels of fecal depravity – but at least it has invented an innovation to brush the Cheetos from your neckbeard, mid-Spell, you tremendous Mage.

Yes, your MMORPG might come to a crawl on slower systems, but thanks to the new Philips DiamondClean HX 9332 you’ve got a real life plug ‘n play toothbrush. No bloatware guaranteed. So next time you wake up in the morning and saunter over to your tower, simply have your morning wazz in a bag or bottle, eat last night’s pizza for breakfast, plug in the DiamondClean and brush that pepperoni residue off that enamel.

The Daily Mailreports the DiamondClean HX 9332 can remove up to 100 percent more plaque, which also means it could remove as little as 0 percent more plaque than simply pawing at your gums with a used tissue.

Truly, we’re living in the world of tomorrow, where you can use GoogleStreet View to take a walk around your neighbourhood – or a neighbourhood across the world. The days of walking are numbered, as Steam brings you videogames straight to your desktop. Forget moving to the lounge to watch TV since the iPlayer and torrents dawned on us. And who needs those boring people for friends or spouses when Second Life can offer you all the experiences of the real world plus virtual sex with a 7″ tall demonic Sonic the Hedgehog.

We salute you, Philips, for moving us one step closer to the real digital age. Yes, the tablet computer and smartphone does make it easier to stay staring at a screen when you’re off to squeeze one out, but why move at all? Picky geeks who care about personal hygiene beyond bloodied gums and rotten tongues will be waiting food-in-mouth for the Internet Of Things Flannel, or the next Samsung Integrated Smart Bidet Gamer’s Chair.

*EyeSee Since the Daily Mail seems to have regurgitated the Philips press release so faithfully, we thought TechEye would step in and do its job for it.