Being a Minority: A guide to opposition voters.

29/09/2010

WARNING! YOU ARE ENTERING A SATIRE FILLED ZONE! MAKE SURE SEATBELTS ARE FASTENED AND SEATS ARE IN THEIR UPRIGHT POSITIONS!

Hey people! How are we doing? I know. You guys are all sad your party did not get up in the last election and now you feel like your voice has been stifled. That now as a minority, you are being railroaded by the majority. That now as a minority, people look at you differently. That now as a minority, those in the majority are scoffing at you and calling you all kinds of politically incorrect things.

Well welcome to my world!

Here I will point out a few tips that will make your day go better as these worked for me.

1 ) Speak more Australian. Use catch phrases and use nicknames that end in O for people. For example, Steven becomes Stevo. Phillip becomes Philo. You get the idea right? Of course this is not in anyway efficient in all cases. As Ian becomes Iano? Anyway, if you do it often enough, you get to be a part of the team, even though everyone can see you are not.

2 ) Hold barbies. Burn meat in the form of ‘snags’ and ‘chops’. Minimise offering salads, but if your prospective partner insists, just lean over to the blokes and say ‘Women’ and then hand them a beer.

3 ) Don’t try to express yourself via fashion. That makes you look more different. You don’t want to be called different. Of course if you are already in the fashion industry, then go crazy.

4 ) Try to fit in the word assimilate whenever you are talking about other minorities, especially foreigners. Also start the sentence with the word ‘bloody’ and you can optionally add ‘struth’ in at the end. But refrain from trying to be overly eager as that makes you sound racist. For example you can say

‘Bloody hell! These asylum seekers should just try and assimilate. Struth!’

5 ) Become a sports fanatic. Pick a team, any team. They don’t have to be winning all the time. In fact, its better to pick a team in the middle as losing teams may draw too much attention as do winning teams. Later, as you get more skilled in the art of being ‘one of us’, then you can be more comfortable if the team has highs and lows.

6 ) Pick a cause but one that does not make you look like a bleeding heart. For example wearing a red nose on red nose day is fun! But no one wants to hear you harp on about the kid in Ethiopia you are sponsoring.

7 ) Wear really out there ties. This takes the attention of others off you and onto your tie, but not so much attention that people assume you must be gay.

8 ) Learn a musical instrument or learn to sing and dance or take up a sport. Regardless of beliefs, people dig minorities that can entertain them.

9 ) Don’t rock the boat. Just go along with the crowd, even if the last thing you want to do is to go along with the crowd. If you don’t instigate anything, then no one will call you uppity.

and finally

10) Learn to smile. Just practice about 20 minutes a day each night at home. Eventually you can learn to smile even though deep down inside you are furious.