On Being Vulnerable

Jed has texted, called, emailed and smoke-signaled hundreds of middle-aged men over the past week with this simple message…

“If you want to get lucky in the bedroom, have heart surgery. Trust me on this one.”

Which is why every middle-aged man in Minnesota has been giving me this strange, knowing look all week. They point to me in the grocery store, whisper about me at the coffee shop, and give me a sly wave as I drive by in my minivan.

I am now an urban legend.

But truth be told – good sex has nothing to do with heart surgery or hospitals. It has more to do with remembering why we fell in love in the first place, and admitting to needing to be loved even after 16 years, three kids, and hundreds of cat puke piles cleaned off of the carpets.

But most importantly – being able to finally let go of our egos and be vulnerable again.

Vulnerable – leaving yourself open to emotional hurt.

Because I think that’s what is missing in our home. And frankly it’s exhausting when you cannot admit that you really need someone or something to get by with the big, but also the small tasks each day.

I mark my days as a mother in a kind of “I can do it myself so just get the fuck out of my way” attitude. From bringing home bacon to frying it up in a pan, to managing loads of laundry, mountains of bills, and an extracurricular schedule for three kids that would make a wedding planner in NYC cringe. And in my own way I do okay with this. Maybe I truly don’t need help, but maybe just maybe Jed needs to be needed just a little bit more. Whether it’s letting him pick up groceries sometimes or putting Astrid to bed or not getting mad when he folds the towels wrong.

It’s okay for me to accept help and be vulnerable for him.

*****

I dropped Jed off at the hospital the day of his surgery. He told me he didn’t need me there and not to worry about trying to juggle the kids and burden friends or family just for him. But he looked very alone when I dropped him. So I took the kids to my aunt’s house and returned to the hospital. I gave the receptionist Jed’s information and that I was his ‘wife’ and was now there for him if there was news.

She acted like she expected me. This is what people do it turns out – married people – people in love – they are there for one another. The alternate plan that we had made – the one where I left him at the hospital alone was strange and uncomfortable like a coat two sizes too small bought at the thrift store that tugged awkwardly at my arms and didn’t quite zip.

This is not how a marriage is suppose to feel.

But as I sat in the waiting room -the room with other wives and husbands and children and loves – I felt a peace I hadn’t felt in a very long time.

The feeling of what it’s really like to love your spouse.

A few minutes later a nurse came out looking for “Mrs. Duncan” and asked if I wanted to see Jed before he went in. My strong sense of self and independence didn’t even rear its ugly head to correct the nurse’s error of ‘my’ name. I was letting go.

When I saw Jed he was drugged, hooked up to numerous things, tubes and medication, and alone. And he reached for my hand and cried.

Vulnerable.

And that’s when I wanted to jump him right then in there in the surgery prep room. Not because he was weak(his words) or because this might be good-bye. But because we need each other more than we want to admit. And it shouldn’t take this to bring us to this new now. But it did. And it’s strange being grateful for a medical emergency to fix a marriage.

Maybe that’s why we focus on motherhood so much and forget about the work it takes to be married. Kids need EVERYTHING – from food to shelter to boo-boo kissing to doll dressing to homework help. If my tween won’t let me kiss her anymore I can still whip up a bowl of popcorn with extra butter and she knows that I love her.

We are born vulnerable.

So when does it become a weakness to admit needing something.

I even find I stray from vulnerability when I write. I want to write the happy things, the clean things, the neat things, the easy things, the things that don’t ask for advice.

But when I’ve opened up about the hard things, the hard to admit things, and the messy-not-so-perfect things, I feel the weight lifted off of my chest. This weight that you all take from me piece by piece as loved ones do as you work in combination to carry a burden and protect me as I can finally be vulnerable and breathe again.

How long have I been holding my breath.

*****

I met Jed in the recovery room. I sat gently on his bed, kissed his forehead and put my head near his as I stroked his hair for a very long time. He slept on and off and I was just there. I didn’t think of him as weak in those moment – actually the exact opposite – that he was strong enough to want me to be there.

Being vulnerable is sexy.

A few days later I told Jed something that I needed. I haven’t asked Jed for anything in years, but for the first time in a long time I felt a level of trust, love, connection and mutual vulnerability that it felt freeing to truly ask him for something that was important to me.

“Jed, I need you to accept my past. To acknowledge and love me not only for now and the future with our family, but for what brought me to today.” I said quietly. “You fell in love with not just me, but what I’ve done – the good and bad, my life experiences, and the 29 years I had before life led me to you.”

Sometimes Jed likes to pretend he married a quiet, trust-funded, virginal, blond, Catholic girl from New England.

But Jed instead fell in love with an opinionated, middle-class, divorced and experienced, Atheist woman from the Midwest.

Now 16 years later he needs to finally be okay with that. And be vulnerable enough to know that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of my past – especially him.

Because if I cannot start talking about my whole life, then I will continue to live a closed-life that is lonely, full of walls and stifling to not just my creativity and ability to love, but to our relationship and future.

So I asked Jed to be vulnerable with me. To admit to mistakes and failures and to look for help and more hugs and to live true and messy lives together.

We are checking our egos at the door this year. We have to if we expect this marriage to last a lifetime.

And we’ve found each other again. Those two people who met on an airplane to Bangkok 16 years ago. And remembered the honest and open conversations we had for those 20 hours – about divorce and loves and heartbreaks and dreams.

And good sex is truly such a bonus. I just need to wear dark glasses now when I go to the grocery store.

About Tracy

My name is Tracy Morrison and I live in sunny Minnesota. I'm neither British nor a nun - I'm just a Midwesterner with a headache. This is mainly a humor and lifestyle blog that documents the lighter side of parenting. I am an ex-corporate ladder climber turned freelance writer, social media manager, world traveler, and marathon runner. I would love for you to contact me at tracy@sellabitmum.com

Comments

Thank you for writing something that I think so many married people need to hear. I’m nearly in tears over here – both because of how glad I am that you are at this place in your marriage now, and also because it is just making me think about all the ways that I have stopped being vulnerable. Maybe it is time for a change. xoLaura recently posted..The Weight of Everything

There’s nothing to add to this … thanks for sharing. I believe 100% that most of us put our kids’ needs above ours or our marriage because they are easier. We don’t have to be vulnerable to meet a child’s needs because they are takers (in a good way), and they don’t know or care about our needs until they are older at least.anymommy recently posted..A stitch in time

Yes yes yes. Thank you. I’ve been in a similar “I can do it” zone. Near the end of the year, I started realizing I needed to dial it back and ask for help. Be vulnerable. I don’t want heart surgery to be the reason to realize this!Jen recently posted..Born Just Right’s 2013 In Review

When I let my guard down and show my vulnerable side in public I sit back and wait for judgement that I am certain will come but never actually does. We are all more vulnerable than we care to admit. It’s human. And it’s so very much a part of relationships, especially marriage. Beautiful post reminding us that being vulnerable opens us up to good things.K.M. O’Sullivan recently posted..Resolve to Be an Insignificant Writer

swap trips to the ER for other ailments and this could’ve been written by my wife or I.

We just celebrated 5 years of marriage and we have girls 17, 10, and 9. That means we’re a blended family and both my wife and I have more baggage than a delta terminal. We’ve had to change a lot of thinsg about ourselves to make our family work.

Loved this! I am amazed at how easy it is NOT to be intimate with those we are supposed to be intimate with, if that makes any sense at all.anna whiston-donaldson recently posted..Pushover, Thy Name is Anna

Running away, refusing to admit we need our spouse’s love is easy. It is absolutely easy. Even when we notice it, even when we know what we need, we tend to do rely on what’s even easier: taking care of the children above ourselves or our partners. It is scary, admitting vulnerability. Doesn’t he know what I need? Why isn’t he doing it automatically anymore? I haven’t changed. I don’t need anything, not his help, not his time or his love, and certainly not his balling up the fitted sheets. Oh, but I do. I do. The minute I start to imagine life without him, even with all his faults, even with all of mine that I try so desperately to hide so very often, I do. I respect your willingness to be open and honest because these are the posts that resonate. I love the cute, the funny, but the raw? I’ll take it any day (well, not over photos of Astrid, but it’s close).Arnebya recently posted..Sticks and Stones and Words

We let each other be ‘small’. That means Fabio deals with a screaming baby who only wants mommy for four hours while I climb under the covers and turn the exhausting world off for a while. It means letting Fabio play computer games on a Saterday in his underpants until bedtime while I take care of the household. It means touching each other everytime we pass each other by to acknowledge that we see the other person, a touch of reassurance and love. And we tell each other everyday how good, wonderful, important we are. Because without that extra support I would crumple, die, have a million breakdowns. And Fabio would become bitter and uninterested. It is hard sometimes to remember that BOTH parents are the corner stone of a family. If that means telling my husband he is a superhero after taking out the garbage because this makes him happy then it is no skin off of my nose. Tracy – never forget to let Jed take care of you. And never treat taking care of him as a chore. Nurturing each other is a gift. And the reward is a happy marriage and a great example to our children that love is reciprocal. Not a selfish act of suffering, annoyance and indifference. Hope you enjoy many years together!

I remember in the first days with Briar, I literally couldn’t look away from her. I nursed and gazed, cooed and nuzzled, then nursed some more. My mom quietly brought me drinks and snacks every few hours. On the third day home she whispered, “Baby girl, save some of yourself for Sean.”

Those words have come back to me from time to time, like a a kiss on a sleeping child’s ear, and I’ve heeded them. So easy to forget, so vital to remember.

Thank you for this post and healing wishes to Jed.Amanda recently posted..Resolve to Mean it

Sometimes I put such a high value on competence, in myself and in him, that I allow it to overshadow or even overcome the value of vulnerability. I like feeling competent and capable, but competence doesn’t lead to connection.. I need vulnerability for that. And I needed you to remind me of that today. Thank you.Shannon recently posted..Happy New Year!

Such a beautiful and meaningful post. I shared it with Ian and he thinks he is feeling some twinges in his chest. Hmmmm…….p.s. you might really connect with Brene Brown’s work on the power of vulnerability, the courage to be imperfect, and recognizing our shame triggers. Each of those topics can be found in her books. I recently finished an 8 week group based on her “shame resilience” curriculum, which means I am just scratching the surface. But it is really good and very important stuff. Did I mention how beautifully written your post was? (forgive the grammar)

Tracy, I love this post. Vulnerability is letting someone else in to see you in all your flaws and love you in spite of them. This is the love the Big Guy and I share, always have. He has known all my secrets from that first night and as they revealed themselves to me ( diagnoses and such) and he never batted an eye. I never felt as though he would leave me and there is nothing he could do to make me not love him, short of beating me or cheating on me, in which case well, until death do we part:)LOL Anyways, I love that you and Jed were able to reconnect on such a basic, honest, unconditional level. Very happy for you and God, what a relief it is to be able to be vulnerable with someone and trust them to love you unconditionally and not judge you for who you were. I used to worry about that too but he never cared. Our story together started when we met, the rest is our history and it can’t be changed. It is what it is but it doesn’t change what we have now. Happy New Year to you and your beautiful family and PLEASE< if you are in Fort Wayne this year…let me know and we are definitely getting together! XODeborah recently posted..Blog Like No One is Reading

Oh, this is a wonderful reminder that I desperately needed to read. I’m glad he’s doing well and that this is going to be an amazing year for both of you. xoxojana recently posted..Goodbye, 2013. Hello, 2014!

This gave me chill bumps! So beautiful. Marriage is so hard, but I cannot imagine this life without my husband. Being vulnerable is scary, but it feels good when we allow it happen. Happy New Year!Adrienne recently posted..It’s OK to Look Back. Just Don’t Stare!

Thank you so much for sharing this, Tracy. Yes to being vulnerable.
I read all of Brene Brown’s books last year and have tried to live more wholeheartedly and let myself be more vulnerable with my husband, but reading this made me realize that a lot of those efforts have tapered off… I need to get on this again, because it’s the best kind of way to live and love in a marriage.
So glad you guys found each other like that again (from one divorced, opinionated Atheist mother to another 😉 )
xoxoxKerstin @ Auer Life recently posted..2014 – The year to experience

Beautiful, Tracy. You are such an amazing person: woman, mother, and wife. We all need to be reminded of this. What procedure did Jed have? (Is it an ongoing condition?) My father-in-law had heart surgery a few years ago for a major artery that was 90% blocked. Known as the Widow Maker. It was a major scare for the whole family. Anyway, thoughts are you with you both! Also, my must not have gotten the smoke signals yet because he has yet to try heart surgery to get lucky. 😉 Although he’s pretty much tried everything else.christine recently posted..Let There Be Peace on Earth (and let it begin with me)

This is so wonderful. Can we find a way to make this required reading for all couples. I can’t even think of the last time I allowed myself to be vulnerable for my husband (oh wait, a few weeks ago when I found a lizard in our bed. Damn Florida living). But it’s a flaw I recognize in myself yet I’ve never been able to really do anything about it. I fall victim to the “it’s just easier if I do it mentality” way too frequently. Or I can’t help myself from interfering when he handles bath/bedtime/dishwasher duties from stepping in and “doing it right.” Reading this was like reading a story about us. Thank you for this much-needed reminder to chill out a bit. The first day of the year seems as good as any to try to take these lessons to heart. Thank you, as always, for sharing your life so honestly. It’s such a great service for so many of us.Jackie @ MomJovi recently posted..A 2013 Recap? Sure, Why Not.

Your post made me think back to when my dad had emergency triple bypass surgery when I was in college and my brother and I flew home to see him the day he got home from the hospital. My normally strong, tough father was so fragile and my mom was the one who was nursing him back to health. I could see in their eyes the love they had for each other and now that I read your post, my guess is that it did the same thing for their marriage.

{Not that I want to think about their sex life, AT ALL, but I do love the assumption that they fell in love all over again.}

And it was a great reminder of the importance of keeping vulnerability alive in your marriage. Thank you for this beautiful post and wishing your hubby a swift recovery!

Tracy, my love, this makes me so happy, and my heart also feels the sharp pang of recognition. My husband had to also learn to accept the divorced, opinionated, experienced me and all of the baggage and past that went with it. When I remember how patient he was with me in those early months of our relationship, I remember how good he really is.
I love that you are finding your way back to each other again… and I didn’t know you met on a plane to Bangkok! How exotic. Love you.Kristin Shaw recently posted..This is forty-three

Tracy, I love this. I hated the two times that Christian had minor surgeries and I had little kids at home, with no family near to watch them and no one I felt comfortable asking to watch my 3 very young kids. I’m so glad you both reconnected. Sometimes it takes something terrible for that to happen.Leigh Ann recently posted..2013 in favorite posts and photos

I love this. So often I get caught up in the ‘I can do it all’ thinking. Or the ‘want to’ or ‘should’ do it all. And I don’t want to do that. I want a partner in all of it. Thank you for this beautiful reminder. Sending Jed healing vibes.Kim@Co-Pilot Mom recently posted..Family Film Fest – Our New Year’s Eve Celebration

This is an amazing post in so many ways Tracy. You have me both in tears and with chills because yes, when did we stop being vulnerable? It’s SO MUCH easier to focus on the kids because marriage is such hard work. We’ve been up and down a lot this year and I think that it does have a lot to do with our ability (and inability) to be truly vulnerable and there for each other. Thank you for sharing this. I’m so glad that you and Jed have found each other again.Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted..Intentions for 2014

I love this. I love that you have found a way back to each other, despite the fact that it was a rocky road.
I find it hard to be vulnerable. I am the “I can do this myself, and I will absolutely not ask for help unless I’ve exhausted all my options and I really can’t manage.” – which is not often.
Thank you for being honest. I think I need to find my way back to my marriage too.Alison recently posted..Through The Lens Thursday #1

I saw this post RT’d by a few people I follow on Twitter, so I decided to check it out. Wow. I am so glad I did. I loved so much about your piece, but one thing in particular stood out: the part about the wife your husband pretends he married, and the one he did. I cannot tell you how many times I second guess what would have been the easier, more obvious choice for my husband (demure, blond, always chipper, Catholic girl with an intact family) and what he got (atheist, opinionated, child of divorced parents, sometimes reclusive brunette…born in the Midwest!). That alone makes me feel vulnerable, especially knowing the why of my own parents’ divorce. Your piece will resonate for a while, thank you for being so honest.

Oh Kristen, Thank you so much for visiting and your kind comment. Also, I think we might be twins. Marriage is hard – as is acceptance. We are both learning. xotracy@sellabitmum recently posted..Soft Landing

I am so glad that Jed is out and okay, first of all. Thank God you can still jump his bones! I think you hit the nail on the head here, both with us putting children first and because I, like you, am an I will just fucking do it myself person. It doesn’t help a marriage to not need the other sometimes.

I also want my husband to fully accept my past and my personality. I joke that he wants a tennis wife and he jokes that I wanted to marry a poet. But we fell in love with each other. I think we know that we want to be married to each other, but it takes a lot to let go of the idea that we are not what our partners might have imagined in their youth.

I had my own moment like this earlier this month, when Ben died. We were driving to Maryland and I started crying, and I looked at John and said “I didn’t think that we were going to make it. You and me. ” and I meant it.
But somewhere in the middle of that horrific few weeks, I found out who my friends are, who truly cares about me, who is going to be there for me and who is just selfish with their emotions and feelings. My husband is not one of them,. He drives me crazy, our life is not perfect, but he is the man that loves me. Would never dismiss me or make less of me, who is proud of me, who cheers me, knows me and who, if I lost him, could never ever be replaced.

Losing Ben taught me how much I meant to John and that was a gift that I never expected in the middle of such an incredibly painful time, but I looked at him a day later and said “we’re going to make it.” and I meant it.

thank you for choosing to write and share this, it’s incredible in so many ways Tracy.
much love to you and Jed…and to all of us this year.

being vulnerable all the time, not so good. being vulnerable some of the time, good. whole-heartedly agree. and yup, the sex part does matter. good sex, good relationship. how many times can I use the word good in a handful of sentences? apparently 5 times 🙂 xxsarah reinhart recently posted..anxiety, toys, squabbling, and the holidays aside

First, I am SO glad Jed is on the mend.
Second, reading your post and the commentary has truly been such a touching. My husband is deployed and we have been separated for so long…it has been quite a lesson in love for us. Many of these statements ring true for us.
Third, WAHOO for great sex. I think I’m a born again virgin at this point. Damn military.Nicole @MTDLBlog recently posted..Thankful Thanksgiving

A medical emergency fixed my marriage a few years ago – and although mine did not last, there is definitely something about admitting needing someone else on that level that changes the “now.” This is a lovely and honest and real post – and I too, tend to avoid vulnerability like the plague….Ilene recently posted..A Modern Family Christmas

Omg. What an amazing post. I am bawling. My hubby and I just had a stop-in-our-tracks moment and the realization of how far apart we’ve grown was not a pleasant one. Time to check our egos at the door and be vulnerable too. Thanks 🙂

What a wonderful post, it does tend to take the big moments for us to focus on what matters. And what you said about having children and marriage the focus does tend to shift to the kids and away from the relationship that brought them into our lives. This post gave me a lot to think about in a good way.Julia recently posted..Year in Review – Week 3/4

[…] On Being Vulnerable This post might be one of the best posts that I’ve read by Tracy over at Sellbit Mum. Tracy writes about love, marriage, vulnerability, and all the messy hard parts in between. […]

Welcome

Hi and welcome to Sellabit Mum. My name is Tracy Morrison and I live in sunny Minnesota. I'm neither British nor a nun - I'm just a Midwesterner with a headache. This is mainly a humor and lifestyle blog that documents the lighter side of parenting three girls. I run marathons and love to talk about fitness. We also love to travel and model social good with our family. I am an ex-corporate ladder climber turned writer, social media maven(not really) and ruler of my own little universe(very small). Aren't we all. I would love for you to contact me at tracy@sellabitmum.com