Monday, July 30, 2012

What July 30th Means To Me: Top Five Olympic Events I'm Surprised I Care About

Assuming you don't live in a bubble, you probably know the Olympics are on. We all have our favorite events; I know I'm excited to see our Men's basketball team obliterate whatever you put in front of them, and I'm sure many are excited to see two of America's most arrogant douchbags Micheal Phelps and Ryan Lochte battle it out in the pool. But, obviously, the Olympics are filled with tons of sports and events we don't normally see on TV, and every Olympic period I find myself fascinated with sports I figured I never would be.

So....

The Top Five Olympic Events I Never Thought I'd Give A Shit About!

5) Men's Volleyball: A team filled with buzz haired, tattooed guys? Count me in. Sure, the beach volleyball matches are probably more pleasing to watch; we've all seen/enjoyed "Top Gun" and "Side Out" after all, but, much to my surprise, I found normal-ass men's volleyball (the official term) much like Cirque du Soliel (or as my Dad thinks it's called, Circus Ole)...that is if Cirque du Soliel fired round balls at high speeds towards each other. As you know, projectiles=fun! Not to mention, these dudes are the masters of deception, and I suddenly found volleyball to be the three card monte of Olympic sports. When a set goes up near the net, it seems like the entire team jumps for the spike. Numerous times I tried to guess which way the ball was headed just based on the setter's body position, and each time I was like "no fuckin way! I had no clue it was going there! Cool!"

Also, the American team has a dude named "Suxho." (giggles) I have to admit that's what originally kept me planted on my couch, because I saw the name emblazoned on the back of his jersey, and needed wanted verbal confirmation that his name was, well, Suxho (giggles). A few years ago, I watched an entire Florida State football game because I needed wanted confirmation that they had a player with the last name "Fagg." (giggles) And they did, by the way. Sue me, I'm immature. Anyway, I was so captivated by the match, I stuck around even after I found out "Suxho" (giggles) was pronounced "Sue-yo."(boo!)

4) Water Polo: Every so often, I watch a sport, point at the TV screen, and say "those guys there...those are men," then point at myself and say, "this guy sitting here...this guy is not a man." I admittedly don't find water polo to be the most exciting sport in the games, but it's a sport where I know I'd die after about twenty seconds of playing. I'd either drown due to the commotion in the water, or just the inability to tread for that long. Plus, have you ever seen a water polo player take a shot?

It's insane. How the hell do these guys raise from the water like that? They aren't jumping! They're in the fucking water! That's strength. This weekend, I went in a pool for the first time in what seemed like years and got tired after treading water for about thirty seconds. Well done, water polo chaps.

3) Shooting: Ummm...I'm not normally a fan of guns, but ...

...what else can that thing do? Look at the stars? Laminate paper? Make dinner? I want one.

Women's Soccer: Okay, the Olympics is actually not the first time I've been interested in women's soccer. I watched a few of their World Cup games a year ago mostly because...

...yeah, yeah, I know I'm a disgusting guy. Yeah, yeah, she's not playing soccer to be someone's eye candy, but hey ladies, I have two words for you. Actually five: "Magic Mike. Go fuck yourself." Anyway, I wanted to take this space to discuss how annoying the USNWT's goaltender Hope Solo is. Yes, beyond annoying. Now, this isn't the first time Solo's mouth has gotten her in trouble, but her latest outburst over Twitter (c'mmmooon) has her calling out Brandi Chastain because the latter criticized the team's defense (OOOOH NOEEEES!) Solo shot back with comments that basically suggested Chastain was old and out of touch. Now, not only is it Brandi Chastain's job to make these observations, but this is Brandi Chastain! Who? This girl:

Yeah! The one who, along with Mia Hamm, made us give even a little shit about women's soccer. Of course you remember her. How can you forget that above image? You can't, it's iconic. So hey, Hope Solo, no one even gives a shit about you if it weren't for Chastain and her teammates back in 1999. So how about you shut the fuck up and just play your sport? This would be like Alex Smith telling Joe Montana he doesn't know anything about football and should stay out of the way. C'mon!

The Opening Ceremonies: Now, I'm not much for shows and pomp and blah blah, and I actually missed the first part of the ceremonies, but I was both fascinated and humbled by the march of the athletes. Fascinated because it's amazing to see representatives from all the world's countries in one small space, and humbling because it seemed that I'd never heard of half the countries there. Where the hell is Mauritius? What's Lesotho? Tuvalu? St. Vincent and The Grenedines? Didn't they have a hit song in the 1950's? And where the hell is the country of "Independent Olympic Athletes." For some reason, I felt bad for the independent Olympic athletes, like they were the orphans of the game, and just wanted to be adopted and loved. Maybe this is why the three of them were dancing like morons on crack during their entrance, probably overcompensating because everyone was all "huh? Were they born on Mars or something?" Anyway, I tried staying awake to watch the US walk, but fell asleep somewhere around Swaziland. I'll make a point to watch the entire event in 2016.