There are only 69 days, or 99,991 minutes, left until Halloween…OH GOD, now there are only 99,990 mintutes, and I STILL don’t have a costume. What am I going to do? Can I use my Ikea Monkey get-up from last year? No, I need something topical, something that people are definitely still going to be talking about in late-October (also, I should take that monkey out of his shoebox). Let me check my favorite website, Brands on Sale (co-funded by Darren Rovell, presumably), for some ideas. Oh, here’s one:

BRANDS ON SALE

Eh, they don’t have any in my size, XXXL (it’s the sexy kind of obese). WAIT. HOLD UP.

BRANDS ON SALE

And for only $40??? I’d be stupid not to. It’s a “serious illness,” but my diagnosis: HILARITY.