Rape Support Group

If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.

i saw "him" yesterday

Yesterday i was at mcdonalds getting a bite to eat with my family when "he" walked in. i thought i was going to die. i was so afraid. all of a sudden i didn't know where i was, where i was going or anything. i felt so lost. i just got up and walked out to the car. when we left i was so out of it i couldn't even figure out how to get t oa place that i go EVERYDAY. i felt so helpless and...dumb. what is this??? why?? i just don't understand. it was so strange. i need someone to talk to that understands..so badly.

It's called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and for good reason. I have the same thing. it is very similar to a panic attack in that you can not control the feelings.

I know it can be scary, but after a while you can learn to control it. Let someone know when you see &quot;him&quot; and make sure you always have an out. This gives you a measure of control, which is empowering.

I can't understand how you feel at all becuase mine happened in another country.

But I do know even if I look at a picture that was taken the the night it happened how horrible it feels.

Do you parents not know? When ever I'm in a situation that I can't handle or I feel out of control I
A) leave the situation which you did which is a good thing and
B) talk to someone in my support group

alot of the books I've read say to have a few good friends that you can contact anytime when you are feeling like that -it will make a world of difference.

Even if you just call and tell them you are not doing good and just need someone to talk to(it dosn't have to be about the rape) just something to keep your mind off it.

I've had several patients who encounter this situation, too, and this is a section from my book, Resurrection After Rape, that addresses it:

To my knowledge, and according to accounts from the hundreds of clients I have served in rape recovery therapy, there is no single trigger more powerful than seeing your perpetrator. Of all the possible reminders and anxiety-producers you will encountersights, sounds, smells, anniversaries, etc.actually seeing him is the whopper of all triggers.
I have seen client after client stumble in their recovery after the unexpected trigger of seeing their rapist in public. They may have done fantastically and gathered all sorts of strength and power back to themselves, and then this one incident seems to demolish it all. But the important word here is seems. I want you to remember that if you happen to see your perpetrator in public (including in court, if you are prosecuting), you may experience setbacks and struggles that seem to strip you of all your earned strength and power.
My client Shannon had this experience. After seeing her rapist at a partyhe saw her, smirked at her, and went back to pouring drinks down the throat of his new girlfriendShannon lapsed into days of heavy drinking, dissociation, and suicidal thoughts. I felt ruined, like he was making all the decisions for me again, she said after returning to counseling sessions with me. I wanted to have all the strength I had worked for, and in the end it was like I had no strength at all. I said if I ever saw him again I would crumble, and thats exactly what I did.
Shannon talked about this moment extensively in therapy, and was able to realize that she felt anger not only at him for being there, having a party life, and seeming unaffected and even smug about what he had done to her, but she was also angry at herself. She had worked so hard and had built up so much strength that she wanted to pass any test in her recovery. When she had a nervous breakdown after seeing him, her conclusion was, I have failed, I am not strong, I accomplished nothing. Im right back where I started, and he has all the powerall he had to do was smirk, and down I go.
In one session, I asked Shannon to list all of the ways he still had any sort of power or strength that exceeded her own. Thinking for a moment, she said physical strength. We talked about how physical strength is simply a matter of biology, not a virtue or character trait, yet for her entire life Shannon had been taught that physical strength gave men the ultimate power to be unquestioned, sovereign, and privileged. She had been socialized to evaluate physical strength as superior to any of her own strengths, and although she did not intellectually believe in that hierarchy, her lifelong beliefs kicked in at the sight of her rapist. When I asked Shannon to describe the ways she was stronger than her rapist, she stammered, bounced her leg nervously, and went blank. II dont know.
What Shannon and I had to work on, then, was not a complete rebuilding of her strength and power, but a self-reminding of the power that still existed within her. She had taken on the issue of rape, and beaten it. She hadnt merely squeaked by; she had nailed it with flying colors. It wasnt that her rapist actually had power over her, it was that her self-talk lapsed back into its former script: I cant do this; if I struggle, then Im failing; I have no survivors as allies with me in this process; Im alone in this agony
A huge part of what triggered this pain for Shannon was that her rapist had appeared at the party with a girlfriend. Shannons guilt, which she held inside for a long time before she was ready to share with me, was that she was afraid that the new girlfriend may be a potential target of rape, and yet Shannon had been so paralyzed she was unable to save her. Shannons belief was that she had failed not only herself, but failed the other womanand by extension, all womenby not heroically rescuing the new girlfriend from a monster. It was difficult for her to separate being a survivor with being a savior, and to overcome the belief that if she wasnt saving someone (everyone) else, she was somehow betraying them.
But because this is the biggest trigger of them all, the monster at the end of the maze, the final showdown between the hero and the villain, it is perfectly normal to struggle and stumble at first. For Shannonor youto expect yourself to sail through it and cope perfectly the first time is to hold yourself to an unreasonable standard that has failure and self-blame built right into it. What any rape survivor must be able to do in this experience is to simply forgive herself for how difficult it is to work through this trigger. It will not be easy, it will send you spiraling at first, and you may begin to doubt yourself because of it.
So if you do see your perpetrator, and if the sight of him triggers an avalanche of distress and horror and regression, this is what you must remember:

1. Its not a failure on your part that this is tough for you. There is no bigger trigger than this. Give yourself permission to have an imperfect response, without assuming it means you have totally failed.
2. Nobodynobody!copes flawlessly with this the first time. Every woman in this situation later wishes afterward that she had responded differently. Not reacting the way you hoped you would is perfectly normal. If you are waiting for a time when things happen perfectly in your recovery, it will never happen.
3. Hitting a wall because of this trigger does not mean you are defeated, your strength is an illusion, or that you cannot recover.
4. If your distress has led back to a lapse in alcohol use, self-injury, or other harmful behaviors, do not wait passively for them to subside; retake control over yourself again as quickly as possible. Panicking and feeling distressed when you see him does not drain your strength and power; these behaviors will however.
5. The victory will mean more to you the more you have to struggle to win it. Thats not very consoling at this moment, but its absolutely true. Its one of those struggles that will scare you to death, yet is ultimately worth it.
6. This is the final battle, the last stuck point, the biggest challenge, to overcome. Dont flee it, literally or symbolically. This is the last locked door before total freedom. Hate it, fear it, struggle through itand do it anyway. Once you have overcome this, what is left?

It would be nice if stuck points stayed in line and waited their turn to be solved, but they don't. They're like land mines. I see stuck points all over this group, for example, but it's not place to point them out like &quot;the stuck point knight&quot; for others. Some SP's can wait and be resolved later, and others--like seeing this guy at McD's--are urgent.

In a case like this, it may be necessary to get a protective order enforced through the courts (see www.womenslaw.orgfor info), or even to arrange a stay-away plan through the school (schools are legally responsible for managing a harassment-free environment, and can be liable for failing to do so--see Nan Stein's amazing book &quot;Classrooms and Courtrooms&quot; about law cases dealing with sexual harassment, bullying, and gay-bashing, etc.

Did you all know that you can sue your rapists for damages in a civil case? Yep!

yes. my parent's know. but they didn't react real well either. i left the building and mom ujst gave him the &quot;death stare&quot;. then when she got in the car she kept talking about it. and jokingly asking me if i was okay...at least it seemed like she was joking around...i don't know. i just felt alone. like the smallest, most unimportant thing on earth.

Well your not hon. I'm sorry your mom wasn't any help, she was probably very uncomfortable and didn't know what to do. It's a good thing you left though, it saved the chance of him talking to you. You can get through this and I would change if at all possible, you don't need to see his sorry you know what anymore, especially not everyday. Hugs

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