Thursday, January 17, 2008

This was taken from a journal post I had written on Cafemom. I wrote it because I had just suffered a miscarriage and wanted to let people know what they can do to help.

I'm writing this because most of you know I recently suffered a miscarriage at 9 weeks. My friends (in real life and on Cafemom) have been just wonderful. The support was amazing and it totally helped me get through a lot of rough days. While this is no fault of anyone and I hope it does not sound like I'm ungrateful, I noticed a few things that I'm sure I have even done when faced with a similar situation and you never really know what to do unless you have been there yourself.

So, with that said, here are a few tips on what to do (or not do) if someone you know has suffered a loss, whether it be a miscarriage, a child, spouse, a sibling, a parent, etc.

1. So many phone calls and emails come in during the first few days but then the phone stops and the emails stop only a few days later and you feel alone again. Don't worry about bothering us with your calls or emails, just continue the support. If we don't want to talk, we most likely won't answer the phone or respond to the email.

2. Don't just act like nothing ever happened because you don't know what to say. Just saying you are sorry is enough.

3. Don't assume they don't wan to talk about it. Ask them if they would like to talk.

4. On special occasions (or milestones if you know them) send them a note to let them know you didn't forget what they are going through and that you are there for them.

5. Don't assume that we are getting bombarded by calls and emails. If you want to call or email, just do it. It's worse when no one reaches out because they think other people are.

I've received so much from so many people but I just thought I would throw this out there because I know before this loss, Iwas guilty of probably everything on the list. I know that now I will look at other people's losses in a much different light.

86 comments:

I have had 2 miscarriages myself. One at 20 weeks and another at 10weeks. Both were hard and exactly 1 year to the day apart. I felt like it was a sign that I wouldn't have anymore children. But I was blessed with another beautiful healthy baby girl. I know how hard it can be and I like that you are reaching out to people to remind them to be there for others in their time of need. I think it's nice to talk to other women who have experienced it, because I'm not sure if our husbands really understand how we feel. Thank you for sharing.

Good advice. I had 1 miscarriage but really didn't share it with too many people because I didn't want to make everyone else feel awkward, etc. It's a hard place for everyone to be. Well written. Enjoy your day in the SITS spotlight!

I don't handle death well, and never know what to say. I usually ask questions and let the other person take the lead, telling me what they want to tell me and deciding whether or not they want to talk.

i felt so helpless when my friend was going through this... i did not know how to help or what to do.i tried to talk to her, tried to reach her... maybe i should have just done what you write so perfectly.. just tell her i am there.

i have friends who went through the same situation and i did not know how to react or what to say or do! i am sorry you lost a child. but hey, we know that God has a reason for letting things happen. He has plans for you. :)

I have also had miscarriages, the experience has colored all my pregnancies since. It was & is still very painful. I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story & advice, it will help a lot of women.

One thing I recently learned was to put a reminder on the calendar six months from the date you heard the news of a traumatic event. That way, your calendar reminds you to call that person and say. Sorry for your loss again and is there anything that you need now.

I remember my first miscarriage like it was yesterday. It was horrible. I was alone (with no family) in Florida with my new husband (now my ex-husband, but that is another story). I've had 14+ since that time, but I have 2 miracle boys....fighters to have made it through.

It's always interesting how you look at things after you have been through them. I also learned not to try to relate to what that person is going through unless I have actually been through exactly what they are going through.Even the good times in people's lives... the way you handle and react to things changes once you have been in that happy spot.

Stopping by from SITS, and just had to say how this hits me on so many levels. Your advice applies to anyone going through a trial or tragedy. My husband's battling cancer & we are in aggressive chemo treatments right now, and every time I hear, "I've been thinking about you, but I don't want to bother," it breaks my heart. Send a quick message, leave a voicemail; if I can pick up, or respond, I will. But I need to know you really are there.

And then there's the issue of miscarriage. I had one 5 years ago. I didn't even know I was pregnant until it happened. My husband & I had already decided not to have children, so we were overwhelmed by the intense loss we both felt. All I could think was, "I didn't even know you were there or I would have protected you," even though I knew there was nothing I could have done.

The worst part? Hearing "well, isn't it a blessing? you didn't want this anyway?" or "how could you let this happen?" The best was a friend just saying, "I am so,so sorry," and holding me while I cried.

This list is great. Four months ago I lost my pregnancy at 18 weeks. Your list is right on. No one knows what to say or do, and the way friends and co-workers handled it made what I was going through so much harder. Nothing can make the pain go away, but something as simple as saying "I'm sorry, I'm here for you if you need to talk" can make a world of difference.

I've had two miscarriages and before that time, I never realized how hard a miscarriage can be on the mom and dad, but now I have been blessed with two girls. But I always wonder what those two babies would have been like.

I am sooo sorry for your loss....Great advice. A friend just had a miscarriage 1 month ago. I have not said anything else to her. I was afraid to bring it up again. guess what? I am going to email her right now and tell her I am thinking of her! thx!

Thank you so much for posting this. I recently miscarried and it was so awkward when people would still come up to me and ask when the baby was due. They never knew what to say when I told them. Very awkward. Thank you so much for posting this!

I've always been the person that says the sorries or anything that I'm honestly feeling about a situation, whether it be mine or someone else's--but have a deep fear that one day it will bite me in the rear end...(and it has a few times.) Everyone is different and not all people greive the same, that is for sure. Thanks for this post...it validated how I handle myself most times...its easy to get deterred when you are scared of "stepping on someone's toes."

Excellent advice. I suffered a miscarriage a few years ago and I was surprised at how devastating it was, especially because it was so early on in the pregnancy (7 weeks). Great reminder of how to be kind and compassionate to those who are suffering.

Great advice. When my BabyMama lost her "WombBoom Baby" (her third miscarriage), she did feel terribly alone without much support from friends and family who didn't know what to do or say. Hopefully we can all grow in our compassion for each other in these kinds of difficult situations.

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. And your very brave and inspiring for sharing your story and sharing advice on how to help you loved ones or dear friends cope with loss. It was very lovely meeting you via SITS!

I can relate to this post. I suffered three miscarriages. It got more difficult with each one. The toughest thing for me was being invited to baby showers and getting news about someone's pregnancy. I got very angry when I heard of teenagers getting pregnant and acting as if it was no big deal.It wasn't until I decided to give up on having another child that these things stopped bothering me.

This is really good advice. So many people just don't know how to handle stuff like that. One of my best friends' dad died last year and I talked to her about it a lot and made sure to tell her I love her on big days, like the 6 month point, holidays and the one year point. He died exactly one month before her wedding.

I've also had a miscarriage. The hardest thing for me was that we had announced the pregnancy to everyone, but we weren't shouting from the roof tops when we lost it, you know? And because they didn't know, people were still asking about my pregnancy weeks, even months later. That sucked.

Thanks for this post. It was very sweetly written, and to be honest more needs to be written on this subject. I lost my brother in a car accident one month after I got married, and many of those things happened. What I learned from them was how to try to respond to others in their loss! I agree with everything you wrote and I appreciate you speaking out from your heart on the subject. It's a difficult one to talk about and for loved ones not know what to do, I think if they just had a list of what TO do it would be much easier for them. Because it's not that they are not willling, of course. My husband was my lifesaver. I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that God continues to bring you peace. Always, Sarah Elizabeth

Thanks for sharing! Been there with my last one biological child... the pregnancy started out as twins. We lost the second twin at about 12 weeks, after knowing for almost two months. Although we came out with a baby, it hurt nonetheless. After the example of some great friends, I learned that I really do not need to say anything when someone I know miscarries... just "show" them you love them, not just tell them.

That is fantastic advice. My miscarriage was very early but it definitely gave me a greater understanding of what other moms go through. A friend said it's a huge club with lots of moms in it, even though none of us wanted to be in it!

Been there, done that. I had 4 miscarriages in a year. I never received a card, a flower, or a condolence from anyone including my own family. It was just swept under the rug and that was so hurtful to me. I guess people just didn't know what to do. I wish they could have read something like this.

The good news is that I finally got my youngest son several years later. He's 11 and off to summer camp this week!

I knew a lot of this already. But the advice to ASK if they want to talk was helpful for me. Usually I'm afraid to bring things up in case people don't want to talk, but that's such a better way to handle it.

I am sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were able to write about it and share it. I'm sure your posting has helped others who have experienced the same tragedy.

Tell your daughter that the middle school years are HELL and that the girls are EVIL LITTLE WITCHES...LOL. Really, those years are supposed to be the hardest for girls. Their hormones kick in and their bodies changes in so many ways while their personalities also change. She needs to find a few, and I mean a few good friends, then she should be involved in SO MANY ACTIVITIES that she is exhausted. Several reasons...she will be too tired to get into trouble -- if she is shunned by one or two girls, she will have so many other girl "friends" that it won't matter so much -- it will help develop her personality. Whew...sorry I wrote so much. I lived through those teeter totter years with Alyssa and know how hard they are for the girls. Good luck.

I'm so sorry about your baby. My first child was miscarried and I was very messed up about it for a very very long time. It's one of the rare occasions that I can actually say that I feel your pain, although that doesn't really make either one of us feel better. You are so right about the reactions of others too though. Everyone around us, including at the hospital, acted like nothing had happened and it was like rubbing salt in the wound. God Bless.

Great advice! It's true that a lot of people just don't know what to say or do when their friend has a loss. It's also true on the other end of the spectrum that the person who has had the loss needs to be understanding of the weird things people say or do and know that their intentions are what matter. It's not worth taking offense. Great thoughts and post!

I was told for 13 years that I wasn't likely to conceive, then at 33 I got pregnant. I was so joyous, my family so thrilled. Then at 7 and a half weeks, after watching that little heartbeat from within me on the sonogram monitor, I lost her. I don't know why, but I still feel in my spirit that it was a "her". I was devastated beyond comfort. I felt as if that was my one chance at being a mother and it was ripped from me.

2 months later I was pregnant again, and I refused to allow myself to become attached to him. I also knew, this time it was a "him", but I refused to get attached. I almost lost my Theo in childbirth, but he's here and healthy as an ox. My gratitude for him could fill oceans.

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