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Hi All. I thought I would take Queen Akasha up on her idea of another dating thread.

I read the forum quite a bit but don't post so much -- I guess I might be overdue for an introduction.

My name is Sara. I found out I was positive in October of 2006. I'm 31 years old.

I've really enjoyed reading all of your stories and I feel like I know you all a little bit already. Reading the boards brings me a lot of hope, and makes me feel much less alone. I know one other woman in "real" life who is positive, so this community means a lot to me.

I'm in a relationship (it has been about 9 months) now but it is somewhat tumultuous. I told him about my status before anything happened -- he did handle the news amazingly well at first. He was very persistent and still very interested in dating me. Over the past 9 months, things have been up and down. Sex freaks him out, partially because of my status, and partially because of some childhood issues he is dealing with. It has been extremely difficult to sort everything out -- I find myself wondering, what is related to the HIV ? What is related to whether or not we like each other, or more specifically, if he is truely into me ? What has to do with his own issues ? It's tough knowing and up to this point, the HIV is always somewhere in the back of his mind when we are intimate.

So things are difficult. I'm terrified of losing this man that I do love. I'm terrified of dating again if things don't work out between us. I'm terrified of staying together today and having things not work out later.

So in the spirit of a dating forum, I just wanted to share part of my story. As a single (non-married) woman, I fortunately or unfortunately (not sure yet !) see dating as a process -- and even when you are dating just one person, it does seem to take a long time to figure out if things will last and who the person you are dating really is. Maybe we learn a little about ourselves in the process. I'm learning that despite a difficult history with men, I'm still hopeful to find a long-time love.

I am surprised indeed, Sara. I have seen you around on the forums and I don't know why but I thought you were a guy. Glad you introduced yourself. I tend to do that with certain forum members, I don't know why. I thought Em was black. I guess my radar is way the hell off... But then the majority of the time I'm on here I am a bit buzzed... Good job with the title too.

So you love your guy huh? After 9 months at that, pay me no mind, I just usually have a whole artillery around my heart... Sorry to hear things are kinda rocky right now. How is the communication between the 2 of you? Since he knows you are poz have you showed him around the site? As you know it is quite informative. And he can read some of the posts from people who are in relationships with negative people. I think you are going to have to discuss his fears with him someday. Keep us posted on how things progress.

As for me, I saw my shy guy for a few moments tonight. Dragonette, I think I am going to run over there and give you a BIG FAT kiss. Rico loves wrestling like I do. We sat for the longest time just talking about last week's shows. At least I know I can watch Smackdown on Friday and he'll be cheering right along with me. I also got a kiss too.....Wooooo Hoooooo.....Things might just work out. More details on Friday.

Rico loves wrestling like I do. We sat for the longest time just talking about last week's shows. At least I know I can watch Smackdown on Friday and he'll be cheering right along with me. I also got a kiss too.....Wooooo Hoooooo.....Things might just work out. More details on Friday.

I have a huge smile on my face right now, what a great way to start the workday (pretty f***ing late cos I caught up on the missed sleep from the last days). I'll just go get dressed now, you made my day.

Nice to meet you Sara! I got some thoughts on what you wrote but no time to express them right now. Glad you joined us...

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

tendai

Hie Sara! nice to meet you. i've also got a difficult history with men. i was reeling from an hiv rejection (sort of) these past weeks but i think i've mended now. i'm thinking dating poz men is more simpler in the long run. but 9 months is quite a while and i agree with queen that you need to communicate with him and all. i'm sorry i dont have any good advice on this being so lousy at relationships myself but i wish u the best with your manDrag, i'm glad u got some sleep at last, i hope u feel much better now.Queen I love wrestling so much (Batista's my favourite- and i pray he doesnt use steroids he's got so muscular) great way to have fun.I once had a shy guy asking me out and he was just TOO shy. so soft spoken he was almost inaudible, always biting his lips and acting all gentle and feminine. I'm ashamed to say i almost tore his head off one day when he called me in the middle of the night stammering goodness knows what. had he been nearby i might have landed him one. he was just too much. but if Rico loves wrestling then he's not that shy.Cin, how u feeling today?

Only a couple days to go until the weekend. Yay! And tomorrow is my first payday. Me and a friend are going out to eat. Oh, hey! The two classes I just finished (Philosophy and Counseling Theories) I both got A's in. I am too happy. I started new classes last night. "Child and Adolescent Psychology." We are going to have sooooo much work in that class. I feel my social life (what there is of one) dwindling. Tonight I start "College Algebra." I'm not looking forward to that at all. It took me two years to pass algebra in high school. Of course, that could have had something to do with me being on drugs then also.

Sara, glad to get to know you. Good luck with your b/f. I agree that some day his feelings of fear should be dealt with. Maybe if you let him see some of the threads on here, he would feel better. "Women and HIV questions" is a good one to look at. I think that's one that Goderator Ann posted some useful information in. Not sure, I would have to look and I really don't have time this morning. But that might alleviate a few of his fears. Is it serious? If it is, you might want to think about dual counseling.

Hey Queen! A kiss, eh? I'm so happy for you! And he likes wrestling! Wow, that's really great. I'm glad you've got someone to watch it with. Is he a good kisser? That makes my morning.

Cin, I hope the rain cut through the pollen for you and that you're feeling better.

Tendai, I can't believe people would do that to their children either. I could've gone without the visual idea this morning, but I understand it was probably shocking and you needed to share it with us. Hope it doesn't rock you too hard. You've got to learn how to detach, even if it's from something as graphic and horrible as that. Otherwise, it can drive you crazy.

Well ladies, I'm off to exercise. I'm still smoke-free. Now if I can drop the 10 lbs I've gained since I quit, I'll be happy. Some of my pants are getting tight and I don't want to keep going out and buying bigger ones. I want to lose this extra flab. Hopefully the exercise will help it. I do alright in the morning and early afternoon. It's the evening that I get like unsatisfiably hungry. If anyone's got tips on how to deal with that, please let me know. Have a good one ladies-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hi everybody, This is my first post using hands free voice recognition. I still have to train it but itís going much better than I thought it would, but I still have to go and correct things manually. So now Iím going to try to use it to save my broken wrists. Anyway I just wanted to respond to Tendaiís a horror story Iíve heard a similar things itís just so horrible that itís hard to believe, but apparently there is evidence suggesting that these things are true & even happen in Europe. The mind and just cannot stretch that far to accept that these things are happening, so I just think you should put it out of your mind because thereís so many awful things going on in the world that if we thought about all of them we would just go crazy. I always think that God has been considered, back in Biblical days, as responsible for things such as earthquakes floods and volcanic eruptions, but for most of the awful things that happen nowadays only humans are responsible. Weíre even becoming responsible for the natural disasters because we cause them ourselves by destroying the environment! So just please put it out of your mind and really sorry you had to be exposed to this.Cindy I hope youíre feeling better and that you would hear from your prospective employers soon. Itís encouraging to hear that they were so late in responding because of a legitimate reason. Iím really praying for you that everything will work out OK. Itís high time that it did. Youíve earned it a long time ago already. Sara, I am still thinking about what you wrote, I'll let it simmer for a while longer. Betty, this is so cool that youíre not smoking. How long has it been now? Since I started on the PIs, except for the first day, I have noticed that I donít feel like smoking in all. In fact I find it repulsive. So, I decided to ride that wave out and see how it goes. I didnít have much of the habit before as I mentioned, because I only use to smoke at night (unless I was on holiday, in which case I would let myself go). Speaking of addictions, this morning right after I first responded on this thread, I opened my placeís door to go to work, and on the staircase landing there was a woman shooting up. I was so shocked that I just shut the door and just paced back and forth in my apartment and till she left. But they obviously scared her, because when I went downstairs a few minutes later and was unlocking my bike I saw her walking up and down the street looking probably for a better location to do it. I donít actually live in a bad neighborhood, there are a lot of families and students about, but just down from my house is a railway bridge underneath which I often spot people dealing drugs. I hope I am not offending anyone by telling this story. I mean I have nothing but compassion for the people that I forced to do this (unless they break into my house or do something harmful like that). My physiotherapist argued the other day that they should give free heroin to the addicts here like they do in Switzerland to eliminate the crime that goes with addiction. But I donít know, that sounds kind of hopeless. I donít know enough about it to know if thatís a good idea or not but my gut feeling is that it would be kind of like giving up on them.So anyway this voice recognition thing is taking much longer than typing something but it sure is easier on me. I hope you all having a good day. And Queen, am still smilingÖHugs,

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

GFs, I am so tired AND its TV night, so I will be in the recliner, glued from 8pm until 11pm, VCRs rolling, too, lol!

I took some different medicine yesterday and its helping but I am just in a funk. Had my weekly massage today and my neck is in so much better shape than it was last Spring.

I am just bummed cause I didn't want to be alone for Halloween, bday, holidays.....This is my favorite time of year and I am going to be a fucking hermit. Sigh.

Queen, very happy to see you have something in common with Lovelips Rico! GF got a kiss goodnight, my gosh, lookout, its the 4th of July up at GFs place! LOL I am very happy for you. One kiss can make all of the difference in the world, trust me!

I am feeling on cloud 9 about now. Maybe it started with the kiss from Rico but I did an online interview for someone working on a paper for school. Basically, it was about how hiv affects African American women. It felt really good to be able to tell my story. I just hope she gets a good grade. I was able to help her and the interview itself helped me...

Dragonette-- I'm glad I was able to make your day. Who knows I just may be able to do it again after Friday night. I think it is going to be interesting.

Cindy--- I don't do the trick or treat thing anymore, not cause I got older but because no one wants to give me candy... But some witchy things may be happening around the house. My roomie has Halloween decorations all over the house. And we have our resident black cat, Boogie Man and besides him 3 other cats. So, I think we got Halloween covered over here. Another thing that will be a first for me in awhile is that I'll be able to actually celebrate X-mas, I haven't done that in awhile.

I have been on cloud 9 since my wonderful date with my hunky Latino. In fact we have had another date since Sundays meeting and he spent the night both nights. Not what you guys are thinking we feel asleep cuddling on the couch and nothing more. I ended up telling that I was positive and says he is OK with it. I was still a little worried and we talked last night for over an hour and today we text messaged all day long. He is taking a class one night a week and wrote me a text message to say Hi when he was on a break. So I am hoping that things continue to progress at a even steady pace.

Queen- I must have missed a post some where along the way. Who is Rico? I guess that makes two of us who are cloud 9

Moon- Sorry to hear about the recent turn of events with Stone. Its his loss and someone elses gain. I know that does not make it things feel better, but you are a beautiful women and like you have told me many times in the past the right person is out there waiting for you.

Hi Sara nice to meet you. I hope that things work out with your boyfriend. I think communication is the key to any relationship. Nonetheless we are glad to have you on the forums and I hope you will find it as a place of comfort and a place to vent. We are all here for each other.

Betty-enjoy your evening out and your first paycheck. Good job on the no smoking.

To the rest of you ladies I hope you are all doing well. I am off to bed tomorrow I have a 12 hour day.

Hey Sun--- You did miss a post, it was in the last thread. A friend of mine hooked me up with a friend of hers who is kinda shy and a Latino as well. Cindy has dubbed him Rico and I'm sticking with that name because it is easy to remember... I thought there would be probs because of his shyness but I don't think so anymore since we both love wrestling. He is suppose to come over sometime today to spend time with me and we'll prolly end up watching wrestling together.

So you gotta share cloud 9 girlie. I am still happy for you and glad things are going well since you disclosed to him. I bet all that snuggling feels nice. So am I to assume the Cop got kicked to the curb. I can feel your glow way over here....

I need to get my beauty sleep for my day tomorrow. I will keep you all posted.....

I have been on cloud 9 since my wonderful date with my hunky Latino. In fact we have had another date since Sundays meeting and he spent the night both nights. Not what you guys are thinking we feel asleep cuddling on the couch and nothing more. I ended up telling that I was positive and says he is OK with it. I was still a little worried and we talked last night for over an hour and today we text messaged all day long. He is taking a class one night a week and wrote me a text message to say Hi when he was on a break. So I am hoping that things continue to progress at a even steady pace.

Awsome!!

Betty, I forgot to congratulate you on the first paycheck. Hope you enjoyed last night.

Lots of love everyone,

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

So, we've got two ladies on here who have Latino lovers? My first husband was Mexican and extremely classically good-looking. At one of the places I worked at when we were married, every time he'd come in to pick me up, all the ladies would be like "damn, Betty! He's gorgeous!" But, alas, he was an alcoholic and physically abusive. Hell, his whole family (except for his oldest sister) were alcoholics. I've never, in my whole addictive life, seen any other person drink like they used to drink. I'll never forget one morning, taking his oldest brother to the drug store so he could get a bottle. He shook violently all the way in and bought a fifth of gin, a two liter of wine and a case of beer. Then he would get home, proceed to drink, puke up blood into a bucket, take a swig of Maalox and keep on drinking. Even their mother drank like that. So it definitely ran in the genes, as well as being a learned behavior. Anyway, too much drama for so early in the morning.

TGIF! Only have to make it until 2:00 then it's weekend time! Also, I got A's in both the classes I just finished with (Philosophy and Counseling Theories). So I was pretty happy about that. But I feel my GPA plummeting.....I started an algebra class last night. I haven't been in a math class in 30 years and when I did take it in high school (algebra) it took me two years to pass it. Even then, I only passed it with a low C because the teacher was tutoring me. Everything the teacher covered last night, I don't have a clue on. I just hope I pass this. The other class I'm taking is Child and Adolescent Psychology. In that class we have four research papers, a midterm exam and a final exam. And there's only eight weeks of classes! Talk about pressure......Please send all the good energy possible. I sure will be needing it.

Last night, after class, I stopped and got a pack of cigarettes. It was either that or I was going to call my doctor and try to get a tranquilizer. And that just isn't an option for me. Those things fucked me up really bad (among other things) and I can't afford that. But by the time I left class last night, I was having flashes of light coming out of my eyes, like I used to get when I had migraines. I don't plan on making smoking a habit again. I felt too good off of the cigs. And I wasn't constantly running out of money. The price of cigarettes is so outrageous, who can afford to smoke. It actually makes no sense anyway, to pay for something that's killing you. I think I'll throw the rest of the pack out.

I hope all you ladies have a good day. Cin, how's the stuffy nose and coughing?

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I don't know if Spanish qualifies as Latino, if it does then count me in as a 3rd...

Cigarettes, I have had an off-on relationship with them for years. when I first started I was really young and I very quickly was smoking 1.5 packs a day, by the time I was 18-20 it was minimum 2 sometimes 3 a day and of the strongest kind (Rothman's etc). These were my years of doing other drugs and drinking as well. I can't beleive I could stand that (cough, puke). Then when I was 21 I started doing a physical job and moved down to lighter cigarettes and smaller amount till finally I quit and stayed off for 4 years. I became a jogger and was really fit for the first time in my life. When the first guy I trusted dumped me and I found out I was pregant I started smoking again, alsob/c I wanted to "poison" the fetus so I would have no choice to abort b/c I didn't really want to but he was pressuring me so hard and came from the US to take me to the comittee (you have to get it approved) and the clinic. How fucked up... I stayed smoking for 4 years, I also begun smoking a lot of pot again. But when I was 28 I quit again and stayed off until I met the guy that I was with when I was diagnosed. Needless to say upon diagnosis I started smoking a packet or more a day but that dwindled down eventually to 1-3 a day over the last year (the 2nd of my diagnosis). Now & again I don't smoke for a week or longer, the last week was like that. My BF smokes, usually 5-8 a day. I want him to quit but I know better than to pressure him when he is so stressed with work as he is now... I have spent my life with smoking parents, my mum even smoked when I was in her womb. And chainsmoking grandparents. My grandpa would look after me and he was literally never without a cigarette in his mouth, as was my nanny! As bad as smoking is, if you can keep it down to the occasional ciggie, well then... they say our meds already amount to 3-4 a day damage-wise... I am not justifying smoking but I just don't want you to beat yourself over it. Or maybe get on Chantix again if you feel that you are slipping to more than the occasional cigarette into addiciton. It's a tough one, I know... I used to buy a pack "just for one cigarette" and then break all the remaining cigarettes b/c I smoked 3 instead of one... that's like throwing away 4 Euro.

Good luck with everything, the classes... I think it's awsome you are there. Maybe you can explain to the teacher, after all it's not like you are fresh out of highschool, what does algebra have to do with councelling anyway?! Stats I understand... though still dislike.

Cindy, how are you doing? You are missed here. I know there is not always time to write, just know one more person is thinking of you.

Hugs,

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

tendai

sun i'm so happy for you YAY!! BT good luck with the studies. i'm thinking of going back to college next year, hopefully i'll be financially able to manage.Todays friday and somebody's got a date with smackdown and her latino man. cant wait for the update!have a good weekend ladies. see u Monday!

Betty--- Don't beat yourself up too hard for smoking again. You have done so well with quitting that I am sure you can start again. I would love to get on Chantix but my doc says it affects your hearing...I have been trying to find proof of that but hasn't yet. I would like to quit smoking too. I am just tired of it but then if I try cold turkey, I become the bitch from hell and would eat everything in sight...Not a pretty picture.. Maybe you can ask your teacher for some help with algebra. I know I sucked at it too when I was in school and what are you really gonna need it for later on down the road? So what ya spend your check on? Some new clothes, dinner date? Don't get discouraged, things will come full circle for you.

Rico says he drinks on occassion and that is fine with me. What I hate is when someone has to get up looking for a drink, that is a complete turn off for me. I drink on occassion myself but prefers the girly stuff most of the time but every now and then will have a shot of tequila and a Corona to wash it down with. But as you all well know, I prefer to have the green...

I hope Cindy is doing much better with those allergies or whatever. I think she is feeling a bit bummed about Stone but like I told her, it is his loss. I'm sure someone will come along who will sweep her off her feet and appreciate her.

Em, how is the adoption thing coming along? You have been like Casper on the thread lately or very cryptic but I guess something is better than nothing. Would like to know how you are doing is all. The same goes for Christy, has anyone heard from her away from the forums? I hope it is just a matter of her being busy working and not that her brother is driving her crazy. Remember he was suppose to show up and I think that was about the time she disappeared, just hopes he is not stressing her out.

I have to go get blood work done on Monday which I am not happy about because I will not have my vl back in time for my appointment. I also see on the order that I have to tinkle in the cup and am wondering what that is about because usually only my primary doctor asks for things like that. At least I don't have to do a fasting this time around....

That is about it for me. I have a few other things to do before Rico shows up....Wish me luck ladies...

I just have to say, I love reading all of your posts. Thanks for the welcome.

Queen Akasha - Oh no, you thought I was a dude !!!! LMAO. The internet is funny that way. I think I'm a little guarded with what I write online because I have not disclosed to so many people, my parents included. So maybe that makes me come off a little but aloof. Love that you got a kiss. and Good luck tonight ....

Smoking seems to be on topic. I'm struggling with that one too. Why is it so tough ? And why are we so hard on ourselves about it ? I try to take it one day at a time -- i.e. I'm not smoking today (well-- not today actually - lol) It has helped me cut down a lot. I was never a smoker but somehow the stress of the last 2 years has gotten to me and I picked up the habit. But I agree, bettytacy, don't beat yourself up about it -- smoking one or two doesn't put you back to square zero, you can pick up where you were before you bought that pack.

Tendai - rejection sucks but I am glad you are feeling better. When I'm feeling optimistic, I tell myself that disclosure is a good way to weed out the bad ones ... but that's just when I am feeling optimistic.

Dragonette -- that's a COOL name.

sunseeker -- isn't text messaging great for dating ? Especially when you are just starting out. I hope you hear lots more from him.

And Cindy, nice to meet ya.

Things here with me are going OK. I'm still really bummed about my man -- he's completely emotionally overloaded and doesn't have much room for me right now. We are hanging out tonight so I am hopeful that it will be fun and that I won't be sad and trying to talk about things. It's such a catch-22 --- I want to talk about things but then I get tired of it and just want to enjoy his company too, you know ? And tomorrow night I'm going to a gf's party ... so that will definitely get the spirits up. Friends are great for that.

Wow, Queen, good luck!!! I will be waiting anxiously tomorrow to hear how things went. I know they'll be alright. I also wonder what happened to Cristy. I hope it's not her brother too. I hope we hear from her soon. I actually threw out the pack of smokes I bought last night, but then bought another one tonight. I feel really stressed out right now, and I'm not sure what else to do about it. It's easier not to smoke in the morning, because that's the time I usually exercise. I'm still on the Chantix, so I'm not sure if any part of the cigarette is affecting my brain anyway. It just calms me down a little right now and it's the lesser of any of the evils I could be doing right now.

I wonder how Cammie is doing also. Haven't heard from her lately. Yoohoo, Cammie? Come on ladies! You guys have to check in. Hope Cin is feeling better.

Welcome to the new ladies. And btw, yes, that is me in the avatar. It's kind of fuzzy, but it's me. Hope everyone has a great night-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

I wanted to wish BT a Happy 2nd Anniversary! Read your other thread, so good job with that!

I know I haven't been myself here lately. I have been under the weather for three weeks, unemployment income will be non-existent soon and Stone has blown me off into the wind. I need to get back to the real me, I'm just a little nervous about doing it, but I need to live my life as I see fit. Besides, venting here is a healthy outlet and I have been missing that lately.

So, I disclosed to Jay not too long ago. We had seen each other a few times, mainly as friends, meeting for burgers and conversation, and long walks. I have stepped lightly where he is concerned because he filed for divorce and I didn't want to get my hopes up. I also wanted to give him his space if he still needed it. We were talking the evening of 10/17 and I steered the conversation towards disclosure. No boo-hooing, no drama, just a few tears and a very down-to-earth conversation. He was shocked but appeared very calm. I gave him the Transmission thread and we went over it together. I told him that since he was single now, he couldn't be too safe.

So many threads talk about the stigma of HIV that exists today, and I feel that each time I disclose to someone, I am promoting awareness. I have always said, "The virus stops with me," that I won't pass it on to anyone. If I can help someone to arm themselves with enough info to protect themselves then I feel that I have done a good thing. Needless to say, Jay's eyes are opened wide at this point, and I am happy that I could do this for him.

I disclosed to Doc a few weeks ago online, and he is fine with it, knows a lot on the subject, as I thought he might. He irks me though, has asked me at late hours to drive to his house, a few guys have done this. Hello? I haven't dated anyone except Stone and more recently Jay, so if a guy expects me to go and see him at a moment's notice after not seeing him in a long while, its not going to happen. They just don't get the fact that I feel I deserve some respect.

So, I have about six neggies that have asked me out for the next week. Its not just raining rain over here. I do this every time though. I feel this need to connect with other men, hoping to find one good one, the one, in the bunch, that might accept me just as I am, and take the time to get to know me. It just ticks me off that I am single when I feel I have so much to give and I am alone. It makes me so impatient! Unfortunately, I feel like Stone never got to see the true me, as our relationship started off on the wrong foot. I tried to be OK with it, but I wasn't. Us females tend to get more emotionally invested early on, and it was driving me nuts. I know Stone is reading every word here tonight, and that's OK. I can't live my life hoping he'll come back and try to compromise with me to make things better for the two of us. I have been sick and tired for three weeks, and all we have done is emailed each other one time each. His silence says that he has moved on, its time for me to do the same.

So, look for me to be posting my thoughts here just like I did back in June and July. I owe it to myself to open up to you ladies. You have all been so supportive and I have been so closed off. I'm here for all of you. Thanks for listening tonight.

Betty, you look great. I have not read that thread Cindy mentioned, I'll check it when I am done. But I am guessing what it is about, so CONGRATULATIONS.

You mentioned that you don't feel like smoking in the morning, b/c that's when you excercise. Maybe you can try to excercise (lightly) in the evening as well, just to break the habit. The evening is the time I let myself go too, maybe it's b/c there is nothing more waiting afrterwards, no chores [or at least I pretend there aren't any and shut down for the night], maybe cos I am mentaly weaker at night, I always get into dark thought, I am also obviously tirder. I either eat too much, or have a smoke. I think 90% of the people are like that. If you know that you can predict it.

Or put the cigarettes somewhere where it would be an effort to smoke, you might still smoke, but that'll make sure you really want it. Like in the trunk of your car, so when you want to smoke you have to get up, get dressed, walk outside... and b/c they are in the trunk you won't smoke when driving. I don't know these might be dumb ideas but I am throwing them around. B/c you are already on Chantix so you have lost the physical craving and this is just the psychological craving kicking in.

Though I know what a pleasure smoking is and how we need it... at times it's just right. So we have to find sneaky ways to avoid it without completely prohinbiting it which of course makes us crave even more. OK just writing this makes me want to smoke so I better cut it out now...

Cindy, I am so relieved and happy to hear from you and with good news. You have disclosed to two guys. Wow... that is just amazing. No matter what happens, this is a great thing.I am so glad you're back and to know that you are OK.Yes the Stone thing hurts... his Loss with a capital L. You have been brave and open and self accepting (like with the diclosures and way before that). He has been the opposite, not even calling you up to finish it in a respectable way. That pisses me off. Not that he couldn't mend this if he wanted to, we control our feelings, it's not like there was a huge tragedy FFS. You know what it's the people who try to control everything that lose control the most.

~~~~ small break to lower blood pressure

Sara, I have been kind of cooking the reply to you for a while... you wrote "Things here with me are going OK. I'm still really bummed about my man -- he's completely emotionally overloaded and doesn't have much room for me right now. We are hanging out tonight so I am hopeful that it will be fun and that I won't be sad and trying to talk about things. It's such a catch-22 --- I want to talk about things but then I get tired of it and just want to enjoy his company too, you know ? And tomorrow night I'm going to a gf's party ... so that will definitely get the spirits up. Friends are great for that". Yes that sounds more like it, when I get into these situations - b/c I understand from what you write it's you who gets all tangled up - I just step away for sa bit and remind myself that I am in charge of this relationship (wow that sounds really bossy). What I meean is it's what you make it, you don't have to wait for the guy to change things. If you keep it light and happy (reasonably so, not in a fluffy way), it will be... if you do things that make you happy, you will be happy... yes may not sound like a profound philisophy but it works. You just have to think if you love the other person and if you do you accept his flaws, b/c no one's perfect... Gee the more I write the shallower is seems but this is the first time I have tried it and it has worked. What also works is whenever you label you guy (he's a commitment-phobe, he's emotionally shallow, closed off, etc) to just tell yourself in a different way, "he is sometimes unavailable emotionally" (and then you think why? probably there is a reason, like work stress, family), I hope this doesn't sound self delusional, I know people have stable characteristics, but I know that so much is the interaction. I think the first thing is to completely accept who you're with, warts and all, and if you can't... well maybe this is not the right person for you. But if you can (even though there are still things you might change but you are willing to live with them) that's kind of the first step.

Look at me, the relationship guru, pah! There are times when I am embarassed knowing others read this not just us. What the hell, it sounds corny, but it did work for me. I guess the Dr Phils of this world might actually know what they are talking about...

So hope you have (had?) fun at the party.

Me am sitting here wearing not one, but two housecoats (quite the femme fatale) b/c it's so cold and gray, and am about to start a thrilling walk down Excel lane, since I have been so bad at work AND next week have 4 days of doctors appointments for 5 working days. First the eye doctor, then the neurologist, then the gynocologist, then the ID clinic... OK my BF just woke up and came in. We don't sleep together, he sleeps in the bedroom and I in the living room.

Hugs to everyone,

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Cin, glad you're back! I do miss reading about what's really going on with you. It must be so frustrating knowing someone is "spying" on you. I hope he bugs off. It sounds like you're feeling better also. Good for you for disclosing. And you have six dates?! Wow, you go girl!

Drag, I don't blame you for sleeping separate from your bf. I have slept alone for years and I don't think I could get used to sleeping with someone. The only other soul I sleep with is my cat. And she gets mad if I change positions or get up to go to the bathroom. She really does. She meows really loud, puts her ears back and turns her back on me. What can I say, she's the queen around here. Please let us know how all your appointments turn out. I need to see my eye doctor. It's been almost two years since I've seen him and my regular doc keeps reminding me I need to do that, being diabetic and all. I do have diabetic retinopathy in my right eye, and my left eye is developing a cataract.

I wonder what happened to Cristy and Cammie. We haven't heard from them in awhile. I hope everything's o.k. with those girls.

I am anxiously awaiting a full report from Her Majesty on how the date went last night.........

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hello ladies. Sorry to have been silent for so long but just haven't had much good to report. I have noticed several of you asking about me and knowing ya'll care helps. Sara, thanks so much for starting the new thread. I read your introduction and am glad you are hear. Sorry about your boyfriend's issues, hope ya'll can work it out. Well, well, 2 ladies here have hot Latinos to date. Very happy for both Queen and Sunseeker. I hope that both of those situations turn into wonderful things.I love that new relationship feeling. Dragonette, glad you have one too. Hope your doctor appointments go well next week. Betty, thanks for asking about me.I'll write a little about how things are going in a few. Don't beat yourself up for smoking a little. as you said, it is definitely the lesser evil in your case. I quit taking my Chantix( after 11 days , it started making me sick ) but I am still at one pack a day instead of 2. So it had some benefits and I have lots left so may try again. ML, sorry to hear Stone didn't work out, but you are lovely and outgoing so you will find someone else. Hope you get to feeling better. Things are okay here. I am working more as the holidays approach, things will get really busy where I work. My brother is still here, kinda like a big sponge. I wish he would go home. Robert is great, just testing his boundaries. My other son has court on the 2nd and 29th. We will get a update from the DA next week. I am emailing a nice guy in Arizona but not romantically. We do have a little in common and I like writing him . so that it for a while. i still am here but don't log in much or post. I still love ya'll though. Especially EM , how are you doing lady? Hope you are well. Later, Cristy .

*steps in the room, closes the door and steps up to the mic*....*taps*.....Is this thing on? Well, I know you all have been waiting patiently for me so here it goes. Things did not go as smoothly as I would've liked yesterday in regards to Rico for various reasons. Let me give you a little bit of backstory on Rico.

Rico's Story

Remember now that I told you that a friend set us up. Come to find out Rico use to be married to my friend's sister. Her sister dogged him then divorced him. Somewhere in there a child was born, Rico's only. Friend's family including Rico just moved here from somewhere else. Friend's sister lured him up here but then kicked him to the curb thus he has no family up here so my friend took him in. She says she is pissed with her sister about the way she did him and told her she was setting him up with someone who would appreciate him which is ME.

When Rico got off work he was suppose to call me which he didn't.....Why? Because the ex called him for money for a phone bill and something with the kid. I ended up calling him twice. The first time, leaving a message and the second time actually reaching him but he seemed to be over the ex's and a bit caught off guard with me calling at that time. I let him have it saying that I understood about him seeing his kid, at the time I did not know it was by friend's sister but he could've graced me with a call. That is a real pet peeve of mine. He apologized and said he would call me when he got home. It was more like my friend called for him then put him on the phone. He asked me to come over, actually pleaded so I did. But with a real TUDE!!!!!I guess everyone saw it when I came in so my friend pulled me off to the side to explain the situation about her sister. Why do I end up with guys with some type of baggage?

Once Rico and I got alone together, he was still apologizing which was getting tired by now. We talked for a few. Cuddled for a few but then I don't know if he was testing me or not, tried me, as in would I give him some booty....Yes, BOOTY!!!!!! Now there are some females that give it up on the first date but the Queen certainly does not....I just sort of laughed it off and told him NO cause I don't know you all like that. I wasn't upset by it because I do little tests too but DAMN. Made plans to get together tomorrow but we'll see if he listened to anything I told him about calling and all that.

I'll you ladies digest that bit for a few. I have the munchies and am going to cook some spaghetti....

Queen~ At our age, and as we get older, everyone has baggage. Its what makes life interesting. I see some types of baggage as a challenge, other types I won't tolerate at all and immediately write those people off, male or female. So, you got Rico on the phone and let him have it? I wonder if you overreacted right away with someone you don't know that well, or were you right on point, and this guy is going to be like a child for you? Sometimes I just don't get why people don't do the right thing, either, like call when they say they are going to call, but then, things like that help me to form my opinion of them. Seems like you might have a red flag up early in the game, but keep in mind that Rico has other responsibilities. Judging from the "relationship" that I just went through, and from many people I've talked with, kids definitely come first. We just have to be patient. So, Rico kept apologizing over and over and then you cuddle and then he wants booty? Oh dear GF, you need to learn him, and quick. Sounds like he may be on the way to driving you insane. I know you see right through that shit. Hang in there.

BT and Drag and Queen and whoever else smokes~ LOL, I can't fully relate girls, but its nice to see how all of you support each other, for those of you who are trying to kick the habit. My vice is Diet Coke and chocolate, and lately I haven't craved either too much, well maybe the chocolate!

Drag~ You crack me up about your blood pressure rising! For a moment I couldn't figure out what "FFS" stood for and then I got it. Thanks for the chuckle, I hope you're doing OK with all of the med switching etc of late.

Cristy~ So glad to see you post! We were getting concerned! Sorry your brother is being like a sponge, is he staying for good, and is the world still revolving around him......?

BT~ I hope you rock'n'roll with those new classes! I love math, I hope you don't get stumped with it! I haven't agreed to all of those dates, no way, I am still a little sick, but I have talked to some new people on the phone, one of them is very nice. There's Jay, too, just a moment ago in an IM I brought up the disclosure thing again, since we haven't really had a chance to discuss it since that night. He is shocked, but he stays in touch, so I'm not sure what's going on.

OK, so I'm all prettied up, my head is stuffy, and I am going to a club alone. I hate that feeling, when you walk in alone and you feel like everyone is looking at you cause you're alone. Hell, I looked some dude right in the eye the other day at the store and said HI, so I am trying to get my nerve up more and not be so anxious. I get that way in public, I really do. Its Halloween Party night at the club, so I'm sure there will be more to look at than just me with my "X" on my forehead, lol. I am taking my camera in case there's some really good costumes. I also want to take pics of the band, but I have to pace myself. If I get on that dance floor its all over, I'll be gettin' down when I really need to be taking it easy. We'll see how I do.

Hello everyone. I haven't posted in a while. I hope someone remembers me. I have been having general life problems but mainly man problems. Sometimes I just wanna leave...other times I just don't know. Happy is definitely not the word to describe our relationship. I feel like he has totally pulled me down to rock bottom in the last year. I think about leaving, then dating...then I think of all the dating drama I have read here and think of becoming a hermit. I think I would like life better that way. So now I am waiting on one extreme or the other. Make it bad enough to leave or good enough to be happy. This sorta-kinda, see-saw bullshit is really on my nerves. Sorry to bust in with a rant. I just had to get it out.

Queen, I'm sorry things didn't go as planned with Rico. I agree with Cin, everyone at our age has some kind of baggage. If we want someone without baggage, I guess we better start looking at 18-21 year olds. Sometimes they come with long stories also. But, you know your own limits. I hope things improve. The fact that he wanted booty so soon makes me wonder if he doesn't have some kind of "sexual baggage" also, like maybe an occasional STD or something. I hope not, for your sake. You know how to pace things from here on out, just be true to yourself.

Cristy, I am so glad you checked back in. Is your brother going to be there for very long? Can you ask him to plant it somewhere else? It's your place, you make the rules. I understand it's hard when it's family, but for heaven's sake, don't let him drive you crazy! And please let us know how you're doing.

Cin, how was the club? Friday night at a place called Truman's, which is the largest GLBT club in my area they had a drag show I almost went to. But, I really couldn't find anyone to go with me, and being in recovery, I don't usually go to those kind of places by myself. Sometimes I wish I wasn't an addict, but I am so I have to adjust life accordingly.

Confused, you just rant on girl. We're here for you. Don't let this guy get you to the point where you're compromising yourself for the relationship. If it's that bad, then get the hell out. He's not worth it, believe me when I say that.

I hope all you other ladies are doing alright. I'm still wondering where Cammie has been. Miss hearing from her. Anyone I left out, hope things are going well. I'm going to be doing my algebra today, or at least what I can do of it, if anything. I'm also going to a play today at the local civic theater. It's going to be "The Glass Menagerie." I read it years ago in college and love it. I also have to go shopping today for weekly supplies. I might see if I can find a couple rugs for my kitchen, as the ones I have now are looking rather gross.

About the smoking, I have been smoking the last couple of days. But I plan on quitting again tomorrow. In just four days, I'm short of breath again and having a harder time breathing. So, it's not worth it. Definitely not. Talk to you ladies later-

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hi Confused~ I was in a relationship years ago, actually it was my first LTR after my husband had passed. This guy and I dated for about 22 months. You know how it ended? One day I asked him point blank how he felt about me, it was the scariest thing! I mean we got along well, a bunch of us would hang out every weekend, watch football, shoot pool, but this guy never told me he loved me. Never. He was hurt from a divorce, here I was widowed only a year when he and I started dating, so I had my own demons, but I had disclosed to him and he accepted me, so I thought all was good.

My point is, I finally had to step up and put things on the table because I was uncomfortable. I knew that by asking him how he felt about me, that I was giving him an "out." It scared the hell out of me because I didn't want to be alone. I had stewed and stirred so long about those three little words not rolling off his tongue that I finally got angry, more angry with myself than anything, because I hadn't brought it up sooner. Don't get me wrong, he was a good guy, but it seemed that the relationship had reached its limit because of him.

So, I asked him how he felt about me, after a nice evening together and a wonderful dinner, laughter and good conversation. He hesitated a moment and asked, "Can we just be friends?" I made him give me a goodbye kiss (a damn good one, lol) and out the door he went. I was a little upset, but the overwhelming emotion was that I was proud of myself! "I" was the one who came to terms with where the relationship was, I didn't sit back and wait for something to happen, I got on with my life. I feared being alone so much! My husband had died in August '96, and Brian and I started dating in Sept. '97, up until June '99, when I asked that question of him.

Sometimes you just have to nudge yourself to do what you feel is right, whether its initiating a difficult conversation or walking away from someone, something or a situation that just won't change. If you're unhappy, you owe it to yourself to make a change for the better. Unfortunately, we can give advice here, we can cry on shoulders we can wait....but nothing will change until we decide to change it for ourselves. I don't know the details of you and your guy, I'll have to look at some posts of yours from over the summer, but....don't you think you owe yourself a change? A chance to breathe again? I know it may seem scary, but imagine the feeling when you make a change for the better! Its well worth it!

BT~ I am laughing at you saying we need to look at 18-20 year olds. THAT is baggage with NO life experience in itself, lol! Goodness, can you see GQ with a 20yo, she would tear his ass up! OK, YOU'RE QUITTING TOMORROW, GF. WELL, MAYBE JUST ONE, BUT I WANT YOU TO TAKE THE STAIRS EVERYWHERE AND PARK IN THE BACK OF THE LOTS, AS A REMINDER! I know you can do this, I mean you just went over a month with no cigs! Good luck with that algebra! PM me if you need help. I think Yahoo IM has an IMvironment where we can doodle, lol! I could show you how to do your math there!

Cristy~ Remind me if I'm wrong, but you live with your parents, right? So now you've got everyone under one roof, including little Robert. I know it must be tough, but some people would kill to be that close to family because they have none, or the ones they do have are just unloving. I know its frustrating, I know I would be trying to change my brother for the better and feel like I was talking to a wall if I were you. Keep pulling those double shifts, keep yourself busy with your son, and just take a wide berth around your brother when you get home if he acts up. Easier said than done, I'm sure.

The club was a blast! Just walking up to the place, I had a big smile on my face, looking at everyone who was dressed up. So many women with their tits out and their skirts short. C'mon girls, your either born with it or you're not, lol. No one cheered on the Playboy Bunny during judging later that night. Me and the girls I was with thought that was funny! One guy was dressed as a huge penis, I guess he has issues of his own. The drummer was dressed like Beetlejuice from the movie back in the 90s. I caught him at the end of the night and took our picture together! Dale Earnhardt Jr got a lot of applause, goes to show how popular NASCAR is. No comment on that one. They don't call my town "Fredneck" for nothing. "Slash" from GNR won the whole thing but looked like he had been hit by a bus due to a bad wig, lol. Yes, Queen, Prince was there with an itty bitty white guitar that he had cut out of cardboard. He was handsome, but about 6' 4", lol! I talked to him briefly, commented on his stylish coat! Billy Idol was there in a leather outfit and GRAY hair, lol. Ugh! I went to see an 80s band so it was nice to see some people dressing as singers from the 80s. The Fred Flintstone's were my favorite, and one guy even dressed like "Ralphie" from "A Christmas Story" in a pink bunny suit! Remember that from the movie? The girls and I kept playing with his tail!

So, I hooked up with friends after texting one to see if he and his GF would be there, they were. I took my camera and took crazy pics of all of us dancing and messing with people in their costumes! It was a good time! I didn't go onto the dance floor for fear of exhausting myself, and we actually had seats, so we didn't want to lose them. We went to IHOP afterwards and didn't leave till 3am. I even got a phone number from a cutie acquaintance. I asked why he never called months ago, over the summer, when I had given him my number. He actually called my cell a few minutes after leaving IHOP to say he enjoyed the evening with me. We had talked a little at the club earlier about his situation, turns out the poor guy is married with kids and the wife doesn't want to separate, so that means you need to be separated for 2 years when one party doesn't agree to it. Normally in MD its one year. So, they are all under the same roof and technically, he's married. His mother lives there, too. Gheez, leave it to me to reel in the puppy dogs having trouble. So, he hadn't called because of the "separation" situation going down. Sounds like Jay, but oh so much worse than Jay's situation. Personally, whether I had kids or not, if a man wanted a separation, it would break my heart, but you know me, I don't want to keep anyone around who isn't 100%. I would think a separation is a time for reflection and sorting out thoughts and feelings, a time for change, which us Scorpios do oh so well. Sounds like this guy's wife is a leg-humper, its sad. But hey, she's his wife, I gotta give her credit for that, but gheez, let the man go and live your life, I say. Sound familiar, confusedme?........

Betty and Cindy...I know you guys are right. I don't know why I can't just put my foot down and let it go. We've been together for almost nine years, and married over 5 years. Some days are really great but some days are bad to the point of ridiculous. We either really get along or we really don't. Part of me thinks that he resents me about the miscarriage. Things have been so much worse since then. I love him so much it makes me mad at myself. I have never let a relationship have this much hold over me. I don't know why this one is so different.

Ugh....I feel so hung over and I didn't have a thing to drink. It's because I had gotten very little sleep on Friday and last night me and my roomie partied here at the crib with our mutual friend who hooked me up with Rico. So, if I don't address a few things it's because I'm still a bit out of it and not thinking straight...But I had fun which is something I don't say too often so I guess the hang over is kinda worth it....

About Rico....My girl laid into him about his actions about trying me on the booty thing. It's been a few years since he has had any too so I can relate but funny to me how men handle it so much differently. My girl and her brother has known him for over 10 yrs and speak very highly of him. So, Rico is kinda like a work in progress type of thing so I'm gonna stick it out and work with him. He really is a nice guy, he just has been taken advantage of a lot, mainly by my girl's sister. I have been filled in on a lot so things make a bit more sense to me now. I have no problem with him taking care of his kid but the ex uses the kid to get money out of him even though he takes care of his kid. I don't like females like that. What I laid into him for was about calling me, not doing for his kid, just wanted to make that point clear.

*short pause for the cause, in other words, I'm twisting one up*... One puff, two puffs....exhale.....Ahhhh.

Cindy--- Girl, my last relationship was with someone younger than me. All I can say is never again. Felt like my crib turned into Pee Wee's Playhouse, ok... I wish I could've seen the guy dressed like Prince. He would have to have all Prince's mannerisms to get approval from me.. You are right about the baggage thing, we all have ours and I am taking Rico's as a challenge and some things he will have to be schooled on. I mean he is a man after all....

Confused--- I remember you posting a while back but you may have to refresh my memory a bit on your story. I am sorry to hear you had a miscarriage but for him to blame on you does not sit well with me but if you guys have not talked since about that time then I would say it is long overdue. Maybe you both need a good cry together. Try to stay strong and you come vent here as much as you like. We are here for you like anyone else who is going through it. So you start posting more often, ok?

Betty---- Forgot to mention before but glad to see you in the avatar. You know my radar has been off lately. Girl, if I had been there, we could've went to that drag show, I love stuff like that. Drag Queens have their shit together....clothes, make-up, all that and a sista like me could've used some pointers... And I would've been taking all kinds of pictures. And you wouldn't have to worry about anything cause I would've had your back when it comes to you and your recovery. My Dad was a recovering alcoholic, so I know all about people, places, and things...I know you are stressing about school so that is prolly why you smoking again but just try to smoke only a certain amount a day, like 2..Don't go back to packs and when you are ready to quit and get back on the Chantix then do it. I really wish I could quit and I want to.

OMG, I don't want to get out the bed today. I woke up at 9 am and took Boo out to do his business. No, not that Boo but my old neighbor in the building I just moved out of. His dog is named Boo. I dog sit for him from time to time because Boo don't like a lot of people. My neighbor was amazed that he took to me. I'm not really a dog person but I have a few I take to. Gotta meet Cheech one day cause I think he is cute and I like his name, of course. I owe him a belly rub.... In other animal news, remember all together there is 4 cats here and only one is a girl, her name is Polly(roomie's cat), I call her Princess Polly because she acts so regal. We may be calling her Mommy but not sure yet. And guess who the Daddy is? Yep, my Lucifer, he follows her all day trying to jump her and we think he might have gotten her. Because of how unique they both are, Lucifer has 6 toes and Polly has 7, plus their coloring and all, we think the kittens are going to be gorgeous, not sure about how many toes....

Thanks Queen. I am really trying to come around here more often. I have gotten so antisocial over the last couple years that I have a hard time finding a way to fit in with people. I know he shouldn't blame me for the miscarriage. It hit me really hard, a lot harder than I expected. He hasn't said that he blames me. It just seems like things have been more strained since then. My best friend says I expected too much of a fairy tale from this relationship. He was in prison for several years. Before he went, we were in a really good place relationship wise. Things were good but I feel like I am less a part of his life now than I ever was. Maybe the years apart took more of a toll on us than I ever imagined. He hasn't been out six months. I thought things would at least be great at first.

LOL @ Boo the dog. You must have known I would immediately think about the other Boo. As for Lucifer...what are ya'll gonna do if you wind up with a house full of baby kitties?

Um, only been out 6 months? You would think he would've been trying to break your back.. Sorry, couldn't think of a better way to say it.. I am known for being honestly blunt, have I warned you of that? If not, that was your warning... I kinda agree with your friend, it is hard to have a kinda fairy tale relationship going on when someone is locked up. How was things before? You say good but is this while he was away or before? And how is he making you less a part of his life? I mean if he is treating you more like a room mate then I would it is time to talk to him and find out what's going on.

If Princess Polly is knocked up considering how me and my roomie are about our cats, we would more than likely keep them. If we were to give some away it would be to people who would have to take care of them.

LOL @ breaking my back. I like blunt people. I am like that most times. better than BS-ing around any day. When I say things were good before I meant before he was sentenced. We really were getting along great. We didn't have a lot but we were dealing with it gracefully which was hard for him since he was letting go of the dealer lifestyle. I feel like I am less a part of his life now because it is like he never shares anything with me. We rarely talk and when we do it has a tendency to lead to an argument. Roommate really does describe how I feel sometimes...like we just share a bed out of convenience.

I got my first hit on www.freecycle.org and I'm out the door to go pick up a bagless vacuum downtown, only 3 miles away! LOL My Kirby is an ancient relic and is so damn heavy to do the stairs with, lol!

Its good to see more posting here, I will be back later. Forgive me, confusedme, I didn't know you were married to this guy, sorry I missed that. Perhaps its time for couples' counseling, you both have been through a lot, but you can't blame YOU for everything.

I know about dating drug dealers and they get use to the fast money. Now he is out from a charge and he has nothing, it is prolly doing a number on him. And if you are feeling out of his life, it may be because he may be getting involved in that again. I hope I am wrong, of course but you never know. I wish there was some way you could find out or just ask him point blank cause people tend to get pissed when you try to find things out behind their backs. But something has to give because I can imagine the amount of stress it is causing you. Not trying to force the issue but just saying......

Cindy---- Good for you on the vacuum. I'm loving freecycle, I have been keeping my eye open on things with them. Ugh, the Redskins!!!! I need to check out the scores for today, not sure if my Cowboys played today or if they have a bye....

I really need to go. I took Boo out but needs to get in the tub. Rico is coming over later...I feel so hung over that I am not motivated to move but I gotta get my ass in gear so I can be so fresh and so clean...

I've been kinda wondering about that too. I learn more towards not though just because he stays so broke. Something is keeping him defensive though.

I looked at the freecycle thing briefly. The closest one to me is like 30 miles away though.

I've been trying to go through some of the other parts of this forum. Maybe I am just too big of a newbie but some of the other posts freak me out. Reading about problems with IO's and drug combos are scary to me since I am not there yet.

Hello ladies!! Well, at this point I'm way too exausted emotionally and physically to get into my dating dramas and dilemas, but I will say that I want to thank all of you. As I sit here and read through these posts I realize that not only are there REAL women out there who are facing or have faced the same relationship problems I have. There is hope for future relationships. I was begining to feel a bit sorry for myself (as much as I hate to admit it) Thinking that with my new Pos status dating was pretty much over. And sex life....hahahaha, that was something that I never thought I'd have again.

I do ask some advice from you all. How exactly do you go about disclosing to potential dates?

OK, its 11:56pm Eastern and my cable went out a half hour ago during the World Series!!!!! During the middle of the 8th. Sure as hell glad I don't work at Comcast! I am pissed!!!

Just heard the Sox swept it, woo-hoo!

NY~ I too started here in the Forums as I was getting closer to disclosing to someone I had grown close to. That was last June. I had disclosed to men before, years ago before my LTR, and it can be nerve-racking. I am doing much better these days. You have to work up the nerve, you have to be strong, be confident in yourself, and....be ready for bewilderment (on their part) and possible rejection. You also have to have faith that not everyone will turn tail and run. I just disclosed last week to someone and he was shocked. He is still emailing, texting, flirting....not what I expected at all, so I am happy.

I think something that I did in the past which may have made it difficult for the guys I disclosed to was this....I got way over-emotional. I had been holding so much in with no one to talk to, that when I disclosed, the disclosure and months of not "having an ear" just flowed. That may have scared some guys off. I have disclosed to three people this month, and I intend to keep going. Read back over our dating threads if you haven't already, they are helpful in letting you know you're not alone. But, everyone will tell you the same thing, you disclose when YOU feel its time. There's no "How to" book on disclosure, you just consider all of the facts and decide whether or not to do it, and when.

Is he worth my time? Are there red flags? Can I wait a little longer because we are still getting to know one another? Can I live with myself if I kiss him and don't tell (in my opinion, YES! ) Is he married? Do we have the same morals and values? Is he compassionate? Does he trust me? Do I trust him? Is there mutual respect?

So many questions, so many things to consider, and we are all different with what we consider to be of importance to us. Just remember, no need to rush, just be responsible.

Hope this helped a little, be right back with links to the thread histories....

After finally getting my ass in gear for getting with Rico, the date came to a screeching halt... I wasn't mad, I took it in stride. It was a call that came to his phone, his kid needed diapers or so I thought. It was diapers for someone else's kid and they asked him. So, the date only lasted like an hour. He said he would call me when he was done, I guess you know, I never got the call....I guess I will just wait to see how long it takes for me to get a call. Let's see if he can pick up the phone to make the next date....

NY-- For me, I get to know a person first before I disclose. I have been rejected by most and accepted by a few. But it doesn't mean it will be that way for you.

Confused-- He could be making it appear he is broke to you, I'm just saying but you know your man better than I do. Yep, I have been a Cowboys fan for awhile now. Did they play on Sunday? I guess I will have to check out the scores online. You mean the closest person on freecycle is 30 miles away? Don't give up, you might find someone closer and sometimes they will bring whatever they are giving away to you. As far as the other parts of the forum, well stick with what you can handle for now, the rest will come. And you can't expect to absorb all the knowledge on here. When you are ready or want to know something, you will branch out or for now just ask here if you are more comfortable here. We are pretty smart and what we don't know we can find out for you.

I am full as a tick about now and really needs to catch up on some sleep. I gotta get my blood drawn tomorrow so I need to be rested while I get pricked like a voodoo doll.....

Wow, all the chit-chat I miss when I'm away for just one day. Anyway, good morning ladies-

Yesterday, my therapist took me to see a play his wife was in (The Glass Menagerie). Before any of you say "WTF, her THERAPIST," I've been seeing the same one since 1991. He and his wife have been through all my shit with me over the years, and they're my granddaughter's godparents. So, sometimes we do stuff outside of counseling. It was an excellent play, very well-acted. He thought I might not like it because of it being such a "drama" but I love stuff like that. I liked literature when I took it in college years ago. And "The Glass Menagerie" is, to me, a very good autobiograph by its author (Tennessee Williams).

When I got home, which wasn't until like 4:30, I ate dinner, and did my math homework. I got like all but three questions done. I was surprised! I thought I'd be stuck right off the bat. I had to review the pages previous to the questions, to try to figure out how to do the problems, but I did it! About the three questions, I might ask the teacher to meet me a 1/2 hour before class so she can explain them in a way that makes sense to me. Cin, I might IM you also. I don't have yahoo instant messenger. I've been asked by a lot of people if I have it; I don't even know what it is. But, I think I'll probably e-mail the teacher. Usually I do better if someone is explaining it to me face-to-face.

So, after I was done with my homework, I went to Kohle's. However, I couldn't get what I wanted because when I was walking up to go to the register, my blood sugar crashed, I mean really crashed. So I had to put the stuff down and leave the store and go to the nearest drive-through and get something with sugar in it. I might go back today, not really sure. They had some smokin' hot deals there. I just hate when that happens. Which is not very frequently, thank goodness.

Queen, I'm sorry Rico had to cut out so fast. Did he ever call you?

Confused, a drug dealer, eh? My former brother-in-law went to federal prison for that. He got busted for dealing over 1,000 lbs of marijuana, which is a federal crime because of the amount. He had to do a straight six years and paid a lawyer $60,000 cash to get that. Please watch it, because, as Her Majesty said, they get used to that fast cash and they miss the lifestyle that comes with that. I couldn't be with someone who was doing that in the first place, but that's me. It's nothing I would want to raise a child around, I know that. Just sayin'

Cin, it sounds like you really had a great time at the club. I just love seeing people in costume, especially when the costumes are unique. People all over my neighborhood have their yards decorated for Halloween. I'm not into doing decorations too much anymore, not really sure why. I think it's because I hate dragging them out and then having to put them all away when the holiday's over.

I hope all you ladies have a wonderful day. I've got about six cigarettes left in my pack I bought two days ago. I should crush them and throw them out, but then that would be a waste wouldn't it (hey, I'm an addict, what can I say).

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Hello ladies. Hope everyone is well this morning. Not too long from getting Robert on the bus. i might go back to bed but will probably go to the library and grocery store instead. We do live with my parents and everyone seems to be happy like this. I do ask sometimes and I try to help with housework and food , stuff like that. My brother will leave soon cause there's not enough work for him, I am just trying to hold my tongue til then. Other than that I am okay. Robert is learning new things at school and being his sweet self. Work is okay and my friend who I disclosed to is wanting to go out soon. Which is a worry in itself. Sounds like you ladies are busy. Queen, diapers for someone else's baby? Time to move on, IMHO. He's not worthy. Betty, the play sounded like fun. It's nice that you have such a good relationship with your therapist. Keep trying with the cigs. Moonlight, sounds like you had fun at the club. Anyway, gotta go, waiting in the Water stove man to call. Much better that the inside woodstove that we have. Later. Cristy

I know when it comes time to disclose it's going to be really hard for me. I mean I've been through so much with men to begin with and now this is just added BS! I guess whats meant to be will be. At this point in my life I'm so sickened by all the BS I've put up with concerning men that I have lost all desire to date.

A little history on me to help you all understand the insanity of my life. I moved five six years ago. 6 hours away from my family, friends and home to be with a man whom I had just had a child with. He had family in the area and we figured it would be a fresh start for us. Well he became very abusive as soon as we moved and I was stuck having no family or friends in the area to turn to. Years pased and I had another child with him. The abuse went on. Finally I got to the point where I simply couldn't take anymore. I had, had at least 2 nervous breakdowns, was on medication for "situational anxiety" The situation being him and my doctors would tell me that they didn't feel safe sending me home with him. Things were bad. By this time I had made a friend or two but one friend in particular who has been a pure angel. She has helped me in any way possible and assisted me in leaving my ex. I moved out with nothing but the clothes on my back and my kids (3, two with him and one from a previous relationship). My goal was to eventualy move back home to be with my family and friends and "start again". Well as soon as I began dating my jealous crazy ex filed for custody of my children. He had the judge order that I could not move out of the county with my children because their father lived here and I couldn't make it hard for him to visit them. Hence, I'm stuck here. No family, few friends no support system. My ex continues to file for custody everytime he gets upset with me (part of his control issues). I've been in a custody battle for the past three years and my children have been shuffled between the two of us. Its horrible.

On to the newest situation. I rekindled a romance with a man I had been friends with since I was ten and had dated in my teens. He was in the military but the long distance worked well. I was going through my own issues and not having him around all the time gave me space to do what I needed to for myself and family. He ended up being deployed to Iraq. While he was there I was faithful, did everything I could for him. Sent him things all the time and was just there for him. He came home on leave and we speant that time together. It was during that time which I became pregnant. After he left back to Iraq I found out that while he wasn't with me he was sleeping with another girl (he juggled the two of us while he was home). Went as far as to take her to meet his grandmother and his parents.

Fast foward to the present. He has returned home and I'm currently 8 months pregnant. We still speak but we are not together. He has promised to help me and all that good stuff but he has done nothing but party and hang out since returning. He was supposed to come stay with me for a little bit so he could attend doctors apts, sonograms and his childs birth (even though we're not together we've been friends for 15 years so I haven't forgiven but I've moved past the BS) well he's made it clear that, thats something he wont be doing. He makes all kinds of excuses for why he hasn't done anything to help me out in getting ready for this baby but the reality is, to him, his life is simply more important. So now I am comming to terms with being alone all over again and struggling to pay the bills and make sure my new addition is taken care of.

hello ladies,Wow, had a lot has happened here since I wrote. I have been reading all the stories and thinking how much people have to go through until they find that safe place which we're all looking for. I've experienced some of these things, but not on this level and thankfully with no children involved. This wasn't because I'm so smart , I guess I was just lucky .I wrote about this before briefly and I want to go into this right now , I just say that I'm often still haunted by these memories. What I wish for all of us is that this is all that that they will be - just memories, ancient history .

Queen , I'm a little disappointed that things didn't turn out the way they should have, but then again they rarely do do they... I think you'll just have to hang in there and see what this is really all about and whether you like it are not. until the point in which you wrote that he went off to get some diapers for someone who is not even his baby's mother, I was pretty cool about it all since as Cindy said, everyone comes with baggage of some sort or another. But the ending is just too wierd and makes me wonder if this is the complete story or not. Well I guess we'll find out soon. I hope things improve. It's early to tell.

Cindy, how awsome that you had such a great time at the party! I read your post in which you said that you didn't feel like going alone and I wanted to write use some words of encouragement , since I had to go to so many places alone , including new year's eve [actually it was an all night thing] in Tokyo. Talk about lonely! And cold ...even in my own country I had to go sometimes to places alone , like movies or a bar, and I have certainly spent my fair share of weekends alone, going to the park with all the families etc. I hated it but I still thought it better than hiding out in my house. Oh not to mention the countless times I went to the beach alone. So I wanted to write to that in most cases the people that look at you only do it because they like what they see, and actually they almost always assume that you have someone waiting for you inside or that you separated from a friend who met somebody else but anyway all this is irrelevant because you from people to go with , and had a great time, which is just also awsome. I like what you wrote about the excuse to show some T&A, so true.

I have so many new appointments this week at the hospital that I'm going to miss so much work .I've tried overstaying today to compensate for that a little bit, but you can see what happens... inevitably I drift into the forums, which is OK , I mean they have kept me sane several times, not to mention alive, as in the last medical fiasco.

Betty, I hope you don't feel too guilty about the relapse into smoking , 'cause that happens to the best of them. maybe if you tell yourself that you can smoke but simply prefer not to, as in a choice you make every single hour every single day, it would be easier than making the decision for life .I'm not saying that smoking is healthy, but then again it's not the type of addiction in which you need to be so harsh with yourself. yes I know it's harmful but you need to keep your sanity too. I don't think you should give up on the idea of giving up , maybe what you should do is try to rate before you have a smoke how much you really want it and need it, like on a scale of one to ten, and as dumb as it sounds write the reason that you need to smoke, like pissed off because of this and that, or upset because, tired, etc. you can still smoke that you have to justify to yourself why. I've seen this work with compulsive eating , so why not with smoking , especially since you've gotten rid of the physical addiction.

I gotta go because I've been talking to the computer for more than half an hour. Hugs to all of you and thinking of you

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"If you keep one foot in yesterday, and one in tomorrow, you piss all over today". Betty Tacy

Cindy, how awsome that you had such a great time at the party! ...... I like what you wrote about the excuse to show some T&A, so true.

"The club was a blast! Just walking up to the place, I had a big smile on my face, looking at everyone who was dressed up. So many women with their tits out and their skirts short. C'mon girls, your either born with it or you're not, lol. "

Not much jumping off today since it is Monday and a wrestling night.. I got my blood work done then went to see my gf where Rico lives. I had made her a cd so I had to stop by. I visited for a while and was speaking to Rico, like I said, I will wait to see if he calls and makes another date. He wanted me to stay longer but I just said I had something to do which required my attention. He seemed disappointed but hey, he basically pulled the same thing so.......

I will add more later and respond to posts....But did read them and has a bit to say...Be back later...

Wow, nygurl. There is a lot I would like to say, but I'll digest your post, try to relate to where you're at, and come back later. Just hang in there. Are you getting good medical care? When did you find out about being HIV+? I was just wondering if there was any birth control being practiced to avoid the possibility of having and HIV+ child and the birth control failed, or you don't practice birth control? Anyway, whatever the situation, you're here with us now. I am curious though as to what brought you to these forums and when did you find out about being poz?

Drag, being a telemarketer, I work on a computer also. But I was informed in training that if we're ever caught on the regular "web" we'd be instantly terminated. Sometimes it's really slow and I would like something to do. But I keep telling myself that this job is temporary, I'm going to school for the future etc. I hope the job doesn't interfere with the schoolwork. The classes are getting into the thick of things now, and I can't let them suffer.

Queen, I don't blame you for not staying over there just because he wanted you to. What do you owe him?

As for my smoking, I broke up and threw out a pack of cigarettes this morning, then after work stopped at a 7-11 and bought some more. I'll learn eventually I guess to either finish the pack or stop wasting money.

Cristy, btw, glad you're checking in more again. I hope the situation with your brother being there doesn't wear you down too much. Don't forget, we're here for you. Hang in there.

I hope all you other ladies have a good one!

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Ny--- Reading your post really brought back memories, I had a man do a 360 on me like that when I moved away with him. He became abusive and started stalking me. He became even more enraged when his cousin took me in and let me stay with him til I was able to save enough money to go back home. I am also sorry to hear that the legal system seems to be working against you. Is there anywhere you can get free legal services? Don't give up hope. God/ddess doesn't like ugly and karma has a way of biting one in the ass when they least expect it.

As for the guy in the military, this is the child you are carrying now, correct? If so, then it sounds like to me he is just going to keep feeding you bullshit. You didn't make that baby by yourself, I would sue him for support. If he denies paternity then take the paternity test. He needs to take care of his responsibilities first, then the rest of his life is his own business. The military will take a portion out of his check and if you are not on any public assistance then you will get that check, if you are on assistance, they will take a portion of it. Basically if the check from the military is more than you get from public assistance and I am speaking on the cash side of it then stop the cash from them. You will have to do some investigating on this for your area but it is pretty much how it works in Pa, just giving you something to go on. I know he has promised to do things for you but if he don't even want to be there for the birth of your child......That speaks volumes to me, girlfriend. The sex may be the bomb but you deserve better or if you choose to continue with it then at least have it on your terms. But honestly if he was juggling you before with someone else, it is possible he will do it again. And why deal with the games?

Christy--- Good to hear from you again. I usually would have been cut dudes off but since I know a bit of what is going on in Rico's life at the moment, I am trying to cut him a break and be a little understanding. Just know that the Queen does have an Ace up her sleeve... I am just sitting back and building a strategy against his ex because she is the main one who is playing games. Now usually the average female around here would be ready to throw blows but I am much more refined. And who wants to get all dirty and sweaty.... I am just letting her think she has the upper hand for now but when I drop the bomb, let's just say it will be a wrap. Oh, how I love it when a plan comes together...

Confused--- I am glad you are listening. Trust me, you can only keep things like that in the dark for so long. But if or when it does come to light, just sit back and listen to the excuses that come with it. I am sure you will make up your own mind after that. Hmm, I wonder who our team plays next week. They deserve a rest.

Cindy--- Did you get the vacuum? How is it working for you? I hope you are feeling better, it seems like you are. But you know how to reach me so I don't get too concerned when you get quiet here and I know how to nag you....

Hey nygurl, I just reread my previous post. I hope you don't think I'm judgemental. Far from it. I would like to know, though, the circumstances surrounding your being diagnosed HIV+. Believe me, we all have a story to tell. I do agree with Her Majesty, that if he juggled you and the other girl, chances are he wouldn't stop that behavior. He does need to take care of his responsibilities though, so I hope things work to your advantage as far as that's concerned.

Just wanted to post a quick note. I hope all you ladies have a wonderful day.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Ok I see there are a few questions that I have left all of you with and I'm sorry to not have been clear.

Iíll start with Betty~~ I do not think your judgemental in the least!! I feel as you do we all have a story and weíre all here to support each other. To answer your questions, This pregnancy is how I found out I was Poz. I tested neg 3 years ago after having my son. When I became pregnant again I took the normal stream of tests including the HIV test and low and behold it came back Poz. Thankfully I found out early in the pregnancy and was referred to a specialist right away. I am now on Trizivir and from what my doctor says my risk of having a HIV+ baby is less then 1%.

Queen~~ Thank you for your words of support. Our legal system is only as good as the people whom practice it. I did have some bad breaks but I think that was due to an attorney who was more about money then about the welfare of my children. I have since switched legal representation and things are going much better. This woman was a single mother who put herself through school and has also dealt with messed up men. It helps to have someone who actually cares and knows where your coming from. She has been amazing and really made some progress as far as my case is concerned. The court system is finally seeing my ex for who he is. I canít speak much about it because we are still in the middle of the trial but I will def give details when itís over. It is a story that couldíve been a soap opera!

As far as the military man. This is his child and right now Iím just going through the process of mentally preparing to take this on alone. I have no fear really, I believe the big man upstairs will not give me more then I can handle. Life is a learning experience or more like a poker game. Sometimes your given shitty cards and you can either fold or bluff the hell outta the other players and still be a winner!! I have looked into support issues, and at least as of now he does not deny his child. We will see what happens only time will tell.

My new quest for this week is to find out what benefits I am entitled to as Iím newly out of work. Here goes another journey!

Well ladies I hope you all have a great day. Iím off to do some school work and then off to school.

It is good that you have someone who has been where you are and has overcome the same things you are experiencing now. It's good to have that support and now I don't have to worry as much.. It also appears that you have your game face on, thinking of the poker comment, and you are on track and getting things done.

What a way to find out that you were poz but at least it caught early enough and your baby will be fine. At least Mr. Military is claiming the child but he still needs to man up to his responsibilities. Don't let him to back peddle in any way. The legal system is not perfect by a long shot when it comes to custody issues but I am glad things are starting to work in your favor. I also know how stressful the process can be too, just remember to take care of yourself because stress can affect your numbers too. Just remember you are not alone and a few of us has been where you are. I hope talking to us about it has helped. Keep us posted..