The
disgusting, lewd little toys from the Toy Story movies use their tiny
legs and arms to crawl up from the hot-rocks (pixars) in Hell and peek
their demonic heads into the doors of Hollywood producers
every 10-years or so. Their goal is to use their cunning
smiles and convince Hollywood executives into signing a contract with
the Dark Toy Master, Satan and ultimately get hired to act in
another Toy Story movie so they can seduce and deceive another
generation of innocent little children!

"Here at Landover Baptist Church, we see things
through the eyes of Jesus Christ, the resurrected Son of the Living
God," says Creation Scientist, Dr. Jonathan Edwards. "So its going to
take an awful lot more from Satan to get us to fall for silly ideas!
Toy Story 3 is another one of the Devil's silly ideas. I believe he
signed all of the original cast members and dozens more to create what
we here at Landover Baptist Church call, 'Lucifer's Cartoon Army
From Hell.'"

"We've seen this trick from the Devil before," says Edwards. "He thinks
he can use cute little cartoon toys to secretly make
our children curious about imaginary things and fantastic stories
which have no grounding in the Bible."

"Every True Christian™ worth his salt
knows that the Bible doesn't mention the word, 'toy,' says Edwards. "Toys
are unbiblical, unscriptural, ungodly, and in direct conflict with God's
word! Toys must not be found in a Christian home! As True Christians™
who follow God's word, we are commanded to
'Abstain from all appearance of evil' -1
Thessalonians 5:22. This includes consorting or
fraternizing with toys. A Christian must never touch a toy! Nor should
they view motion pictures with toys in them! If Jesus comes back,
and finds a toy in your home, you can bet your bottom you'll be left
behind!"

"The only time a Christian should risk his own salvation to handle,
watch, or study a toy's behavior, would be in a case like mine," says
Dr. Edwards. "And I am a professionally certified Creation
Scientist - my purpose in studying a toy of any sort is to
warn others
of their dangers!"

"I believe that Toy Story 3 will forever serve as a reminder to True
Christians™ that these are the Last Days," says Dr. Edwards. "We
know the Devil is beginning to
run out of tricks! But the one trick he enjoys squeezing out of
his steaming red rump the most is to get folks to question reality!
The best time to start someone on questioning God's reality is when they
are knee high to midget's chin! It is our children he's after, see? And if you
don't take them to Sunday School to learn the truth, they will wind up
sneaking out to watch movies like Toy Story 3. If that happens,
they will start questioning reality outside of the Bible! And some
of them might even turn to answers from Satan's twisted coven of
deceptive little Toy Story demons who return again and again from the
fires of Hell to steal your child's faith and salvation!"

Dr. Edwards explains that the way to teach a child about reality is to drop them off
at Sunday School instead of dropping them off at a movie theater. "I've
seen it too many times!" he says. "It is in Sunday School where a child will be filled with the Holy Ghost
for the first time! It is only when they meet the Lord Jesus Christ and
accept Him to come and live inside their heart that
a
child will begin to understand reality!"

"A Christian child will find silly fictional cartoon movies about Toys
absolutely dull in comparison to
the truth they will glean from the Holy Bible," Dr. Edwards explains. "The look of
realization on a little boy's face when his Sunday School teacher
reveals that Hollywood is run by packs of prancing red-skinned,
hairy-hoofed, lisping demons called homosexuals, is a priceless joy! A child's soul
is filled
with a tingling sensation! An epiphany! They understand (along with
momma and daddy now) that the Devil and his army are afoot!
They are
marching right into their neighborhood theater, their long red arms and
filthy fingers filled with the hellish twisted toys they forged in the Lake
of Fire!" he continues. "There are powerful demonic forces in the
invisible world around us. And they are intent on luring little children into watching
movies like Toy Story 3 to fill their innocent minds with the most fantastic, ridiculous,
ludicrous ideas ever
hammered on a hot rock in Hell!"

"It has become harder and harder for churches these days to compete
with the Devil run media," says Edwards. "Sunday School teachers
need to catch up with Satan! A-men? While Lucifer lures
children with pyrotechnics and fancy graphics like the ones in Toy Story
3, Sunday School teachers are left to
compete on the front lines of
a spiritual war for your child's attention using nothing more than cardboard
cut-outs of Jonah and the Whale and magnetic felt figurines of Adam
and Eve!"

"There was a glimmering hope that Christians had a chance to better compete
with the Devil's high-tech temptations on the silver screen several
years ago," Edwards explains. "It was called,
Veggie Tales - and it was prayed over by
millions of believers. But it wasn't long till we found out Satan was
with Veggie Tales from the start! Anything with the word 'tail' in
it should have raised suspicion, but after the CEO of Veggie
Tales Inc. ordered the creation of
'Larry the Talking
Cucumber,' it became even more obvious. The Lord finally
revealed to us that "Veggie Tales" was actually "country
queer slang" for
'corn-cob up the hind-side,'" he said. "Yes, my friends, not all
homosexuals live in big cities - the country ones tend to be
migratory and a far more dangerous breed of queer, but that's a whole
other discussion."

According to Dr. Edwards' Creation Scientific formulas, he estimates
that the souls of close to 34,314 children a day are currently being led
astray from Christ by watching Toy Story 3. "Those numbers don't include
all the souls of children lost to Satan when their unsaved parents
purchase a
teddy bear or a
Barbie
Doll for their birthday," he says. "Those numbers are far worse,
and sadly the Lake of Fire is filled with the bobbing heads of little
boys and girls who traded their love of Jesus for the love of a little
toy. Most of the little
children
burning in Hell today, are actually there because they never even
heard about Jesus!" says Dr. Edwards. "If it weren't for
Godly men like me, who have the guts and Baptist decency to tell the
truth, things would be even worse!"

Dr. Edwards encourages all Baptist (Christian) families to rid their
homes of toys and replace them with
Chick Tracts or
Children's 1611 King James Bibles. "If I could visit every
Baptist home in America,
slap
each little Christian child across the face and tear each silly,
ungodly toy out of their ignorant little hands, I would!" says Dr.
Edwards. "But that's your job as a parent! And if you don't do it,
JESUS WILL! Besides, I have a very busy schedule."

Dr Edwards concludes that all Jesus really wants from each parent
reading this article is to make a firm commitment to God. "Change
your child's life today by removing all toys from your home. Escort your
child into the backyard and as a loving parent, force them to watch as
you burn them all as an offering to Christ Jesus. Crane your
child's neck in such a way that they will smell the sweet smoke of
repentance drifting up from their past life into the pleased nostrils of
our Living God! It will be a memory that will hopefully secure
your child's salvation and stay with them for the rest of their sinful,
pathetic life."