I suppose that this has been a long time coming, so what better time than now.

While it may seem as though I am the pinnacle of a goofy, cute, and happy person, I am not. As an InfoSec professional, and security enthusiast I have evolved from a joyous extrovert as a child, to a hyper paranoid adult. Deep down I really want to be that extrovert again, but the world is far too hostile. Sharing personal information publicly is a huge taboo. Even showing my -true- self became taboo. Any possible scrap of data that could be collected to identify me became a precious thing to build walls around. Even that which seems insignificant now. Then #aardwolf was born.

To be quite honest, #aardwolf scares the ever-loving crap out of me. Not because of the implications, but because it needs leadership. Someone to be responsible. Someone to be that guy from Office Space; “I talk to the customers so the developers don’t have to”. I do not -want- to be that person because it means I have to be exposed. Thus I -need- to become the Fearless Leader.

I have to give up the cush life of near perfect obfuscation, and obscurity. Aardwolf has become far too well-known, and too many people are looking forward to seeing it through. Someone -needs- to be the public face of it all. Someone -needs- to manage the chaos, answer questions, and filter out the noise. Would I like to go back to the persona of “Misery” sure. That would be the -easy- way out. This transformation, the one into Fearless Leader, is something that I -NEED-.

I am tired of having to hide all the damn time. Tired of having to figure out whether or not I am being scammed, counted as another datapoint, or just being asked how my day was.

Becoming Fearless Leader was quite simple really. Start by changing the profile name. The first step in many character creations is to adopt a new name. The next part was to begin the process of wiping my -personal- accounts off of the public ones where possible. That meant making sure that I had Protonmail easilly accessible. It took a while to get everything, and I am sure that there are still some accounts left, but it is progress to be sure. This step will also help to divorce myself of Google where possible.

The final step. Was to simply “let go”. Letting go meant to remove the mask. To allow myself to indulge in the crazy, fluffy shenanagins that you have all come to adore. Slowly, bit by bit, I opened up a bit more. That included reducing the levels of salt, and vitirol that I shared with the world. I wanted everyone to -feel- that I was invincible. In doing so, -I- would begin to feel more invincible. So far it has worked, but it is not without consequences.

For one, I now feel -unable- to salt, and vitriol freely. That would almost soil the reputation of being a “tub full of colorful machine parts” that I helped to cultivate. The second issue is that I no longer feel as though I am allowed to indulge in my sado-masochist tendencies. Not everyone necessarilly understands that sometimes being harmed, in very deliberate, and specific ways, -IS- self-care. Masochists -need- to feel pain in one form or another. Albeit, that pain also needs to be doled out in very specific doses. Otherwise the desired catharsis will never be reached.

In some ways, writing this helps to summon that catharsis. There is no way to be sure until it is made public. This piece is also meant to expose the final pieces of me. To complete the transition to Fearless Leader. By exposing my fears, I am forcing myself to choke back the part of me that is trying to be “self-preserving”. The world will not explode if I share this. I won’t -suddenly- become a jucier target for hacking… etc… etc…

The time for excuses is over. I must continue to grow, and evolve. I must become the Fearless Leader that the Aardwolf project needs me to be. The #fediverse seems a happier place when I allow myself to smile once in a while. There are people out there that rely on me being colorful. Perhaps someday there really will be a literal team of SELF-CARE TECHNICIANS, but for now. I will try to save as many people as I can. Once spoon at a goddamn time.