5 Supposedly Fun Activities Nobody Actually Enjoys (Part 2)

#2. Watching Hockey in Person

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Listen, we need to get one thing clear right off the bat. I'm not saying that hockey as a whole is a boring waste of time. I mean, it totally is, but I respect that some people feel differently. That said, as someone who has tried it several times, I can honestly say that there is no sport that's less interesting to watch in person than hockey. What's that? You think soccer is more boring? Yes, technically it is. But here's the thing: With soccer, at least you can see the ball. Hockey doesn't use a ball. It uses a tiny little puck that, when the action is really intense, will have several men huddled over it. It's the only sport where, nine times out of 10, you don't even know that someone might score a goal until they've actually scored. Prior to that moment, it's just a hunched over mass of jerseys that you, as a spectator in the stands, are completely incapable of deciphering. With most other sports, the action is spread out enough that you can accurately grasp what's taking place even if you can't see perfectly. Hockey is not like that. Once the action gets close to the net, you don't see shit until the puck is slapped somewhere clear of where all of those toothless Canadians are standing.

GettyBecause no matter where you're from, if you play hockey, you're Canadian.

"Oh, but dude, they fight in hockey." Yes, they do. And that should tell you everything you need to know about how ridiculously boring hockey is as a sport. They literally have to stand by and let people come to blows from time to time just to make things seem interesting. That's not a benefit, that's an indictment. If you're so interested in watching people fight, why not just watch boxing or UFC? If hockey was so much of a blast to watch, it wouldn't need fights to spice up the action and the NHL would have clamped down on that shit a long time ago. But they can't, because the NHL knows that the only draw when it comes to hockey is that, occasionally, the players get to throw padded glove punches at each other's helmets for a few minutes. They don't allow it because it's good for the game. They allow it because it's the only thing interesting about the game.

GettyFinally!

So why would a person ever need to see hockey in person? At home, you get the benefit of tons of slow motion replays that allow you to make heads or tails of what you've just seen. You don't get that in person. Baseball might be boring to watch in person, but at least you have a little bit of advance notice before something exciting happens. When people start making noise, you have plenty of time to look up from your book and take in the action. When you're watching hockey in person, you're literally clueless as to what's taking place until what you're hoping will happen has already happened. I mean, they have a fucking red light on top of the net. It's not there because it's pretty. It's there because even the players aren't 100 percent sure if a goal has been scored until that stupid light goes off. If the people on the ice can't even figure out what's taking place, what kind of benefit do you think you're going to gain from watching hockey in person as opposed to watching at home?

#1. Cruises

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And to close things out, here's what would qualify as an indoor and outdoor activity. Going on a cruise. It's all the fun of going to an exotic resort, except if you leave that resort for any reason, you'll likely be eaten by a shark. Also, it's not exotic in any sense of the word. You and a bunch of people you probably wouldn't care to spend time with will be herded around like cattle from one tourist trap to the next. Imagine sitting in traffic school with a bunch of idiots. Now imagine paying thousands of dollars to hang out with those idiots for days on end.

Let's not sugarcoat this at all: If you're the type of person who thinks a cruise makes for a good vacation, then you're clearly one of those people who will buy anything that has a halfway decent commercial attached to it. Here's hoping that KFC Double Down chicken sandwich you most likely scarfed down the second those ads hit the air was worth the intestinal trauma.

If you've never been on a cruise and are therefore wondering why such a seemingly wonderful experience would make a list of lame activities that nobody really enjoys, allow me to explain. It is my job, after all.

For one thing, one of the dirty dark secrets the cruise industry would prefer that you didn't know is that, when booking a cruise, you should immediately shave two days off of the length of time you'll actually spend enjoying yourself. Why? Because boarding a cruise ship is a lot like boarding an airplane, except instead of a couple hundred people, you're now dealing with thousands. So, if you book a three-day cruise, what that really means is that you'll spend one entire day just getting on the ship and another entire day getting off of the ship. This is time spent sitting around huffing impatiently and standing in lines that never seem to move, all so you can gain access to what amounts to a floating hotel that you can't escape from. It's like that "Hotel California" song with tropical drinks and a staff magician.

GettyHe's also understudy to the staff rapist.

Once you do actually make it on board and find your cabin, you'll be dismayed when you realize that your "luxury suite" features a front door that literally makes contact with the corner of the bed when you open it. If you can walk four steps in any direction in your cabin without running into something, well, congratulations. You probably own the entire ship. As for the rest of the travelers, they're all going to be crammed into tiny boxes with bathrooms that are so cramped you'll be lucky if your wife has enough room to bend over and shave her legs.

And even if none of those problems existed, that wouldn't change the fact that, of late, people seem to just be getting sick as shit every time they step on a cruise ship. Fine, maybe it's not every time, but if one person comes down with the yucks, it's a safe bet that damn near everyone else on board will get it, too. In those tight quarters, it's inevitable.

So, to recap, we have a slow process for getting in, cramped quarters and way too many people jammed into a small space. You know what else has all of that? Prison. Have a great trip!