Everton v Liverpool Preview

That’s more like it, any more of that shit and we might – just might – have a season worth being arsed about.

Who we playing next?

Oh fuck off.

Or maybe it’s good timing. Or maybe I’m chatting shite and form books, windows and derbies. All the usual shite. Like Everton usually meekly getting beat by a Liverpool side going for the jugular.

And that’s crying it in like fuck.

The Arsenal game was very pleasing indeed. We witnessed Everton doing what all Evertonians like most – scrapping for every ball and showing some cajones. Hey presto and it’s a rare spotted victory in our back pocket because of it.

Afterwards the players commented that they responded and showed their character which was meant to halt any questions or concerns we do have over a shit run of results. Not on your nelly Seamus & co. Now take that shit and do it all the time, then we can be friends again. One Arsenal win does not a Chrimbo maketh.

Give us what every Evertonians wants under their tree this Christmas – a spawny undeserved injury time win over Liverpool, and John Aldridge offering straighteners, the slug lipped texan.

Goodison though the other night, do we really have to leave?

So a Merseyside derby on Christmas week which is a bit weird and the potential to put you in a festive or foul mood for the duration. It’s also a well timed match in terms of where the two clubs find themselves in this midst of an engaging season. Everton – despite being dogshit for a couple of months – find themselves in the top half of the league albeit hesitant in aspiring higher, and Liverpool up in the mix but faltering in key games and lamenting the Gods of Candy kit mountain.

So how about Liverpool then? It’s polite to start with their fans. You know many of them in the workplace, in your pub, in your street, your mates, your family. This is the point where I could kick on start tearing into them in a faux partisan fashion but it’s the season of goodwill and, well, they’re not all tedious chest thumping, pub spectating, scruffy deluded titheads. You know some sound reds even if you don’t like to admit it. In my humble opinion there’s a filter – and that filter is locality. All the sound reds I know are scousers. Like those listed above that share your life, sure they may be outnumbered by the sheer weight of the part time replica top ticket stealers, but it would be amiss to say there’s some sound ones about. I know a few of them and they enrich my life.

It’s therefore fair and balanced of me to state that nearly all non scouse edition kopites are utter fucking melts. There’s got be some reason for it, maybe under The Law Of Attraction? What would attract blind spotted, insecure scruffs to follow a club that they lay no claim to. And none of that “my dad is from Scotty Road” shite, you’re not are you, you fucking quim? So pipe down and don’t try to “banter” us. At least with our out of towns – and fuck me I admire them for it – they’ve had absolutely no incentive or glory reward for following Everton, no matter what downright unlucky star they made that connection under. In fact Everton regularly like to piss in the faces and try to scare them off.

So why always the kopites? Why the overcompensation of devotion manifesting itself every time something positive happens? Why the flares meeting coaches in for big games? Why the thousands of banners written in gothic style text saying stuff that doesn’t even make sense? Why the complete and utter absence of self awareness and understanding of hypocrisy? Why the full kits in the stands at the game? Why is Fanta Scruff speaking in that guttural condescending voice and then getting flopped with his boxies out by four foot Spanish Power Rangers?

Why do they always try to belittle Everton as insignificant and then end up perpetually contrasting themselves against us to try and sneer? Being smug and unbearable in victory yet bitter and snide in defeat? Why the self titled monikers like “best and most knowledgeable fans in der werld”? How can anyone have pride at their father pissing into another man’s pocket on a Saturday afternoon?

And why the over saturation of ex players commentating across the airwaves? Chatting tired cliches and heaping undue mythical platitudes on a club that’s not won their domestic league for over a quarter of a century?

Like fuck I have the answers to all that. I’m just another dull knobhead writing words on a screen. But it’s weird. Dead weird. It’s like someone hasn’t held a mirror up to them and told them they’re not all that. They definitely were all that, 30 years ago, but then so was Blondie. And even Everton. They are the collective embodiment of Pete Price wearing a vest for a night out in Marbella. And so, so insecure. Mention the word Man United and there’s frenzied splatterings of German city names and genuine hate.

So with it being the season of goodwill I’d like to offer the hand of friendship to Liverpool. It doesn’t have to be this way. Just be YOU. Enjoy a talented manager putting together a team with real gusto and excitement – if not a defence nor a goalkeeper – without having to lord it over others in a state of superiority. Forget past titles and stuff, you’re not entitled to anything. That shit is gone and only we are allowed to use it against Geordies when they start to try and rub up against us. You’ve copyrighted the Liverbird so fair’s fair.

Well in Liverpool, you’ll do for us, just stop beating us too much and we can all get along just fine. Fuck your Merseyside, Merseyside at Wembley though. And I retain artistic license to accuse you of spitting over the Dixie Dean statue on the way out when you’ve threw three into our gaping net without even breaking sweat.

A list of some of their players who may or may not play v Everton:

Mane – a good buy that, talented and lightening quick decisive player who looks like a Garbage Pail Kid, the unlucky fuck.

Firmino – why not just buzz off being occasionally boss at footie without all the shit haircuts and body ink? While being the absolute spit of the modern day Fatima Whitbread.

Lallana – supported Everton as a kid, will naturally score the winner.

James Milner – undervalued and will be a hurdle for whoever he’s facing to try and out work.

They’re making progress under Klopp even if they’re pleasingly not near a title threat yet. That said he’s a good fit for their club so is likely to be around for a time and now they’ve won the Big Stand El Gordo Jackpot it will be another small African country’s GDP every transfer window to try and stop the Mancs having superiority over them.

So Everton then.

Although no goals it was a much better all round striker’s performance from Lukaku on Tuesday night. I’m not sure if it was because he had more support and players pulling defenders out of position for him to exploit or simply it was a game he could be arsed in. Answers on a postcode please to the Belgian media, and good luck.

Valencia came in and ran his Caribbean arse off which was well appreciated by all. I reckon Koeman – with his face like a cheap sunken duvet – will set up in a similar fashion with personnel and formation for this game too.

In an age of superlatives and over the top snap judgements it was amusing to see McCarthy play himself into first name on the team sheet for running around and injecting some pleasing aggression into Everton’s team. I’d love to see more of that, and less of Padre Pio bearded Roy Keane using him to try and stay relevant in assorted national media. Gana Gueye is a beautiful diminutive creature attacking the opposition in the way a Jack Russell harrasses a child on a BMX on a barmy summer’s day. Barkley played much better too but we’ve been here before so I’d prefer to assess ten game performance rather than one. He is however much more suited to playing a bit deeper with his head up and found some really good space out wide from deep positions. If only we had wingers. Lennon works hard so will get the nod I reckon.

Ashley “Ash” Williams scored a memorable winner which I hope boosts him into form, which is much more needed as we will have Funes More right beside him. Liverpool are not noted for their height but instead sleight of foot and that’s sometimes a problem for Funes Mori. We can only hope he’s on blob for this. Much, much better game from our talented full backs resulting in our left back using his right foot to swing in a cross which our right back converted with a header in the opposition’s six yard boss like a no frills Duncan Ferguson. We need all the goals we can get, even from our defenders. Stekelenburg is in goal and we’ll all try to ignore that until January comes and we get someone better. If he saves a last minute penalty thus winning us the game then he will have a derby named after him (we’re that shit that we remember rare derbies by key contributors) and a long time welcome to any L postcode.

So many words. With this being the last game before the holidays I’d like to say nice one for any unfortunate reading any these samey try-too-hard previews and wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas.

A Christmas that could be a lot merrier indeed should nearly a dozen in royal blue play their part on Monday.