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Tony Abbott today announced the reintroduction of Knights and Dames in Australia.

Who gives a stuff?

I refuse to engage with this issue AT ALL until he also reintroduces dragons. Stories about knights and dames are nothing without a dragon.

In no particular order my nominations for the first Australian dragon are: Scott Ludlam, Wendell Sailor (obviously) and Cate Blanchett.

All those old medieval tales, in my opinion, lack dragons that are actually worth barracking for. These are three dragons that I’d like to see have big wins.

Anyway, back to Sir Tony the Irreverent.

With all the huge issues facing this country at this very moment in history, what sort of leader wastes his time losing sleep over such a skid mark of an issue?

This is exactly the same as a battlefield general skipping the strategy meeting to contemplate different types of hand moisturiser.

Or a student who’s unable to sleep not because of the massive exam they’ve got tomorrow, but because they’ve just noticed that one shoelace is slightly shorter than the other.

Or a starving man who refuses to eat because he’s busy updating his Facebook status, ‘Totes just saw a cloud shaped like a dancing hippo LOL.’

There must be some pretty heinous news just around the corner if Mr Abbott is committed to distracting us with this putrid excuse for an issue.

So if you haven’t started stockpiling and building your emergency bunker yet, it’s time to start right now.

It’s like he’s not even trying anymore.

He’s the lead singer who’s disregarding a packed stadium of fans to bid on an especially shiny iPhone cover on eBay.

The footballer who’s ignoring the footy because first he needs to count every blade of grass.

He’s the politician determined to do everything he can to distract us from politics.

Magic isn’t real, and neither is anything happening at a political level in this country at the moment. Magic works through planning, practice, misdirection and sleight of hand. You look one way, and the trick happens somewhere else.

That’s exactly what the Coalition Government are doing right now.

What they’re telling us is, ‘Here look at this. Knights and Dames are back. Everyone argue about that right now, and don’t look over there. That’s nothing to do with you.’

The government hasn’t stopped making big decisions. They’ve just stopped making decisions that benefit the majority of people, and are really hoping that nobody notices.

The way they’re running this country, they may as well just put a sign on the front lawn of Canberra that says, ‘Sold.’

With the footnote, ‘We don’t care what you think unless you have over a billion dollars.’

There’s a very good reason that Tony Abbott has nothing to think about other than whether to reintroduce Knights and Dames.

They’re all in a big basked labelled ‘CUT’. Locked away in a drawer marked, ‘CONFIDENTIAL’.

I am all in favour of those elected to parliament using that as a mandate to enact their policies. We all then get to evaluate what we think of their performance, and in a few years vote accordingly. Democracy. Yay.

However, if someone is hired to do a job and refuses to do that job, and instead just does magic tricks, well they’d be immediately fired.

The fact that I don’t agree with most of the policies of either major party doesn’t really enter into it. I had my say, and I will try my best in the years between elections to sway as many people as I can. The coalition won and as much as it saddens me, and in the absence of a better system, I’ll tolerate their politics.

What I can’t stand is a government that just ignores the issues, and tries to distract us with this crap.

So is the reintroduction of Knights and Dames a good or a bad thing?

I DO NOT CARE.

You shouldn’t either. If you do, you’re just falling for the oldest trick there is.

Xavier Toby is a writer and comedian.

Catch him at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival from March 27 to April 20.