Archive for January, 2002

Look on page 41 of the February issue of SPIN magazine (with KISS on the cover) for a full-page feature on Rev. Smith’s The Brick Testament website. The article incorrectly lists thereverend.com as the address for The Brick Testament, but clicking anywhere on this paragraph will bring you directly to The Brick Testament. Enjoy.

Scientists are reporting today strong evidence to support the age-old theory that the sky is indeed falling. “After eons of remaining stationary, the sky has been moving steadily lower, and is now at an alarmingly low altitude above earth,” explained Professor Melvin Shanks of Cornell. A rival theory published in the Canadian Journal of Science posits that the sky continues to remain stationary while the earth has recently been expanding outward. What both theories agree upon, however, is that humans are positively to blame for this.

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith has recently been spotted in the company of a girl 26 years his younger. It is further reported that he has been secretly removing items from the cage-like structure in which she resides. Stolen items to date include a rattle, a plush doll, and a pacifier. Asked how he could do such a thing, Smith said, “It’s just so easy - like taking candy from a baby.”

In a move that has sharply divided critics, Smith yesterday took candy from a baby. He then ate the candy as the baby looked on, weeping loudly. “With this seemingly abhorrent act,” noted a local anesthesiologist, “Smith has actually reached out compassionately, saving this child from the dangers of tooth decay and potential obesity, while taking on these risks for himself.” Said another local passerby, “what an asshole.”

A new study published today by the Kinsey Institute reveals the surprising statistic that 100% of all men are homosexual. This new finding updates the long held belief that gays counted for a mere 10% of the general population. “According to our findings,” explained Dr. Yung Moustaff, “the old 10% statistic only covers those men who are openly gay. We now believe that the other 90% are either ‘in the closet’ or in an unhealthy state of denial.” Also revealed in the study is that only 1 in 20 men have ever masturbated to orgasm.

Police are investigating an act of apparent cannibalism at a local church where it is believed a man was eaten alive during a ritual ceremony on Sunday morning. The name of the victim has not yet been revealed, but several eyewitness accounts report that a white male in his early thirties was consumed by those in attendance, his flesh eaten, and the his blood passed around in a cup for all to drink. It is not yet known whether this incident is related to other acts of cannibalism that have been reported taking place at Christian churches in other areas over the past 2,000 years.

In an unprecedented act of unity and conformity, the world’s critics today came to a universal agreement. “I can’t think of any other occasion on which all of us have come to such 100% complete agreement,” said a visibly excited Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun Times. “This is truly a momentous occasion,” agreed Rex Reed of the New York Observer, “every one of us is in agreement here.” Asked whether or not he agrees, noted film critic Leonard Maltin said, “yes.”