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9-1! 9-1! End the fucking season before everyone gets hurt! Give us the trophyyyy!!

Has anyone here in Metsie LaLa Dicksuck Land read The Tortoise & The Hare? Has anyone here read the Mets’ unabridged franchise history? Has anyone here read a book? Ever? A fucking book with words? It doesn’t seem like anyone has, because everyone’s acting like a fucking illiterate Mexican retard. (Sorry, Keith).

9-1 ain’t shit, you fucks. Yeah, it’s better than 1-9. Sure. Great. Grand. Wonderful. Callaway is swingin’ dick. I like it. Yo is playing through a fever. I love it. Conforto is one swing away from ripping his shoulder out. Ya gotta love it.

Hey guys, we’re in first place less than 1/16th of the way through the season. Let’s sip some fucking mai tais and ball the fuck out because THIS. SHIT. IS. IN. THE. BAG! To be fair, the team looks gritty and focused. This is more a knock on the fans. What fucking franchise do you follow!? Oh my god, people love hype. People LOOOOOVE hype. The crazy mob mentality is maddening. This is how Madison Av controls your fucking mind. They build a fever pitch out of nothing, get you all screaming for some bullshit, then you buy the product or burn the witch or do whatever it is your feeble fucking brains are being told to do, and then they push something new on you. Right now, the Mets are hot. Yes, red hot. Wow. Score. Book your World Series tickets now! Give the Wilpons some money! The dynasty is ON!!!

This shit’s a marathon, not a sprint. Also, even sprints are longer than this. This has been a 20yd dash so far. Good start. Let’s see what hats these bandwagoning fajits are wearing after the Mets lose a few in a row.

When Robles got sent down, everyone said, “phew!” Everyone wanted a bolstered bullpen and Sandy said, “we’re trying.” Well try harder you cheap Jew fuck. It took 1–ONE!!–injury (Swarzak) for us to have to see this bum again? I actually fucking liked Robles a few years ago. We all did. We all liked the kid. He threw 98 and he threw at your fuckin head. GAMER! Then he started facing real major league hitters who are actually ready for heat and they didn’t get fooled by his quick-pitch shit. Nobody’s worried about Hansel. We’re more worried about Gretel.

When (not if) someone else gets hurt, who are we going to see? Montero? Jesus fucking Christ, get it together, grouch. Robles is trending DOOOWN, too. Like, it’s not just consistently bad numbers. It’s more walks and fewer strikeouts by the month. On any other team, he wouldn’t be getting another shot. I can’t even say this is his last shot with the Mets, because there’s NO FUCKING WAY these bargain hunting Jew rats are going to get someone else. It’s classic Jew-run America. Where’s Robles from? Dominican Republic? Sounds like Mexico. He comes up here from Mexico, does a shitty job on the fuckin’ cheap, and nobody on the Mets changes anything because that means opening up the damn wallet. We need to build the bullpen a mile high to keep these Mexicans out. Just don’t expect the Wilpons to pay for it.

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The Mets’ broadcast team is simply Amazin’. They dazzle. They are the best. There’s no denying it. GKR is the truth. Gary is beginning his 30th year tomorrow. Mazel fucking tov to you.

Maaaaan do people love talking about how good the Mets are on Opening Day. Do you think maybe it’d be better if we were good on closing day? Ooooops 2007. Ooooops 2008. Well documented fact: in 2007, before the last game, I woke up in a cold sweat after a nightmare that the Mets were down 7-0 and Glavine had already been yanked. It was just a dream. I told people. It was documented. I swore it was real. I called my parents. They told me to relax and that the game would be starting soon. As we all love to remember, the Mets then went down 7-0 and Glavine got yanked. I jumped out of my window to prove I was still dreaming. It didn’t work. I landed in a bush. Should’ve died. 3 years later, the movie “Inception” came out based on this story.

I love Gary. Congrats on 30 years with the Mets. The Yankees only have 27 championships so that makes us a better franchise, right? Who needs the best baseball team when you have the best broadcasting team? I kind of resent Gary (and Keith and Ron) because they bring the overall entertainment value of a Mets game up, which hurts the process of burning the whole thing to the ground and starting fresh. Let’s get Ron and Keith back out there in the Orange & Blue–I know they don’t want to coach because they have the cushy announcing gig but fuck is it frustrating to hear Callaway and the new guys talk pitching pitching pitching while Ronnie just sits in the booth, casually sipping tea–and let’s keep listening to Gary announcing opening day victory after opening day victory, followed by 161 horrific games. Cheers to another 30. You’re a bright spot on the Mike Cameron shade of darkness that is this black soul of a franchise. Sidenote: Mike Cameron is a good guy and a good ballplayer and maybe got the worst case of METS I have ever seen. Not that usual “loses all ability to play the game” METS. That’s normal. Mike Cameron actually got his brains laid out on the fucking field. Too bad that was before Obamacare, because God knows the Wilpons didn’t provide him with insurance.

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…that the Jets SUCK DICK and the Knicks SUCK DICK. The Wilpons are snaking their way under the NYC radar because are all so distracted by what absolute dogshit the other NY teams are right now.

…that deGrom won ROY. Just like ODB for the Giants. What a distraction!

…that the Yankees didn’t make the playoffs. Don’t let this fool you! There is a binary code for winning teams and losing teams. The Yankees were a 1 and the Mets were a 0. Don’t for one second think we’re equal or better. We ain’t. Not until we prove it.