This week’s subject? A Griffon vulture, feathery harbinger of death with a bald head, a 9-foot wingspan, and an evil stare like nobody’s business.

If you’re not familiar with Reddit’s Photoshop Battles, here’s how they work: A random photo is presented. Anybody in the community can participate. All you need to do is edit the image as you please and submit your work in the comments section.

First, Reddit user mulletarian shared the biblical origins of the Old World vulture.

Just like the Great Eagles that rescued Frodo and Sam from Mount Doom, this behemoth of a bird once swooped in to help a man named Moses make a clean getaway:

Reddit user mulletarian

Reddit user teh_newguy fast-forwarded to ancient Rome, casting the scavenger bird as a scrappy gladiator. And—before you ask—yes, we are entertained:

Reddit user teh_newguy

(Somehow, a vulture looks much scarier in that armor than a Crowe.)

Of course, fighting wasn’t the only form of entertainment redditors had in mind. As user admancb demonstrated, this vulture was quite cultured:

Reddit user admancb

The condor-like conductor’s performance was so refined, it earned a glowing review by user CitizenGuy, titled “Dallas Symphony Orchestra Flying High with New Maestro.” (Read the rest of his hilarious review here.)

Since mulletarian started with religion, it was no surprise that user mybloodyballentine took everyone back to church by the end—with this photo, bearing the caption “Dearly beloved…”:

Reddit user mybloodyballentine

And as user dp85 points out, when you’re getting married and your officiant is a giant vulture, there’s only one song to play at the wedding:

(But when the newlyweds exit the church after the ceremony, please—for the love of God!—don’t throw birdseed.)

Check out the full Photoshop Battle thread for even more slides from the vulture’s adventures, including a Mortal Kombat-inspired gif battle that gets really out of handwingcollection of talonsbird phalanges hand.