You would think by my writing I would be some kind of genius. You thought wrong.

Notes from a dexa scan

1. Waiting rooms where Dexa scans (bone density) take place are filled with old people, where to be fair, hip replacement are more common than a cold. You will bring the average age down to about 70. 68 at a push.

2. Because you are ushered in quite quickly, you will hear the equivalent to 40 billion tuts as the ‘youngen’ is seen before Mildred, who has been waiting ’45 bloody minutes’

3. The curtain in the changing area never fully closes. A passerby will snatch a glance at your boobs as you speed change. You hope passerby is a woman.

4. You stop long enough to take a stealth selfie in your gown for obligatory gown superhero pose. You realise that you cannot do pose and take photo. Message kind of gets lost. End up with this instead….

It’ll do.

5. The other issue is tying up aforementioned gown so you don’t expose a) the puppies (they’ve been let loose) and b) your M&S knickers. Mildred might get jealous of your pretty pants.

6. You fail pretty miserably at number 5. None more so than when you’re called in and your trying to hold you hospital bag, coat and dignity while pinching together your gown and tweet your picture all at the same time.

7. Radiographers will not help you with your paraphernalia to assist in limiting exposure of your bum to Mildred.

8. You still have the ability to blush. Well done.

9. The actual scan takes 4 minutes. You are still red when you walk back out.

10. Next time, don’t be all bloody minded and independent and take someone with you. Crying. Out. Loud.