Is it time for a new therapist?

OMG, H and I went to our therapist last night - all we did was talk about H and his work and his frustrations, etc., like I knew we would and is kind of okay since that is part of our issue. I had to keep bringing us back to the reason we're there (to find ways of nurturing our marriage and making life easier instead of a constant work eat sleep thing) and at one point I felt like the therapist was defending herself about whether or not she's been staying on track with our therapy.

I made the comment that I felt like we were spinning our wheels because we're always talking about the same thing: H finding or creating healthy coping skills, but never really finding any or H never really being mindful of this need or putting anything into practice. I was not saying she wasn't doing her job so much as H wasn't doing his.

The therapist, in between comments from any one of us, would glance at me and say, "See? That's something that we have discussed" and then I would say, "Yes, we've discussed it, but we haven't acted on it. I need for us (H) to take the next step. And I don't think he will do it without some examples or at least accountability from you". And then H would chime in some more about all the reasons why it's difficult to create a set rule when dealing with clients because his work is always so varied....blah blah blah.

Later, I reached for my date book to schedule the next appointment and the therapist leans in and says, "Are you sure you want or need to come back? I mean, H knows what he has to do and it sounds like you feel that we're just spinning our wheels. I think at this point, you may need to either accept things as they are or make a decision for the two of you together."

Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather. Is this not the reason we're seeing a therapist?? To help us communicate better? To GROW and change the way we behave for a healthier marriage? Isn't that part of her job? To hold us accountable so we stay on track? H even admitted that with the long interval between appts he felt himself slipping back into old patterns, as did I. Is 6 months a long enough time to see a therapist and expect everything to be wonderful? I've (we've) been down this road before...we go for a few months, things are feeling better, then we stop (or H stops) and then the you know what hits the fan several months later. I am trying to avoid that.

I like this therapist and the thought of finding a new one just makes me so anxious. On the way home, H said he refuses to talk about work in session anymore. I explained calmly to him that his work and how he handles his business is very much a part of why we're there, so I can't see how it would be avoidable talking about work. He repeated what the counselor said about knowing what to do, etc. I almost jumped out of the car.

There are things I can bring up in session that I can't at home because it will just end in a screaming match and I don't want to go back to that place. I feel like I was being told to either "Put up or shut up". I guess I will start calling around, but just for me. I don't think I can drag H to a new counselor at this point as he feels "we are fine", which for the most part we are, but inside I am panicking because we're going into the winter and this is not the best time for H mentally - depression and lack of work don't make for a happy boy - and come January, my schedule will be full and his will not, so that leaves him with empty time to sink even further. It just doesn't bode well and I am worried.

In the end we did make another appointment and she agreed with me that keeping the appts will help with accountability, but she also said that needs to see in writing examples of what we're doing to improve our time together and examples of ways in which H is being more pro-active with his business. H doesn't do this, so that makes me the eyes and ears, AGAIN.

Just frustrated. Have to go back and practice some detaching tools. Thanks for listening, if you've made it this far.

For me...talking about something is far from DOING something about it. I would find a new therapist. It doesn't sound as though she's on the ball. difficult child had one like that. Great guy, really nice but where difficult child was concerned...completely snowed. You may not be able to get H to go with you but you also may learn ways to draw him out more positively. *shrugs* Who knows.

As for H...has he been diagnosis'd with SAD? Maybe you should have him go to a tanning bed once in awhile or something. Or does Vitamin D help?

Sounds like what happens in therapy--stays in therapy. And that's definitely a problem.

Why can't you bring up stuff directly with your H? Seems that's a HUGE problem right there that has nothing to do with work....

Sometimes, when husband and I are having trouble calmly discussing a heated topic...we make arrangements to talk about it over the phone. That way, we avoid a face-to-face confrontation. Sometimes when even that's too hard, we agree to talk to each other on the phone about our spouses....as though we were just close friends.

So I might say "I'm feeling so alone because my big jerk of a husband yelled at me for no reason this morning--and now, I don't even want to see his face when he gets home.Why can't we just have a simple conversation instead of a fight?"

and he might respond "You know, I was having a really bad morning because I have a meeting with the boss about a mistake I made, and I was kinda worried about it and not really paying attention to my wife and she started nagging me about some little thing--so I told her I couldn't think about that right now and she starts CRYING and says I never listen and I'm always yelling. It's not fair! She doesn't seem to understand all the stress I'm under these days."

For us, this method often helps us see the issue from the other person's point of view. Once we understand what the other was thinking and how they viewed the problem, we can usually negotiate a solution.

The way I'm interpreting it is that H is not taking any real role in this. My first thought was that H can find the next therapist- one he clicks with. And H can do any writing pertaining to himself, not you. But then it sounds like it wouldn't get done. I think that's the problem- H needs to get the point that he has to take an active role instead of just being another warm body in the room.

In fairness (at least trying to be), I still think he will do better with a male therapist. Men and women just communicate differently and I'm not sure he is going to have a better chance of "getting it" with another female.