The art of arguing: Watch what you say, make sure to listen

Arguing. Is there a good way to do it without hurting someone else? Yes, said Cynthia Rudick, psychologist and mediation professional with Barbara Fordyce and Associates of Plain Township.

Denise Sautters

Arguing. Is there a good way to do it without hurting someone else? Yes, said Cynthia Rudick, psychologist and mediation professional with Barbara Fordyce and Associates of Plain Township.

“I don’t think there is a fair way to argue, but there are safe ways,” she said, noting that individuals can get out of control when feeling cornered or threatened. “People have to have safeguards built in when arguments get too heated. You need to take a walk, get a drink of water, just calm down.”

Communicating

Listening to what the other person is saying is key to resolving issues between couples, Rudick said. To do that, she tells her clients to try putting themselves in the other person’s position -- to the point of putting on the spouse’s shoes. It’s a symbolic way of trying to get each to understand the other person’s life.

“Then I try to help people listen to each other, because I don’t think we really hear what someone else wants or needs. Communicating is as much about listening as talking sometimes,” she said.

Valorie Fulton of Cadiz said her communicating skills have improved with time. When dealing with disagreements with her husband, Bob, she still fights the tendency to stay silent.

“I simmer for a while, then erupt, and, just as quickly, it is over. I never hold grudges or stay angry. I assume that, if my eruption doesn’t change anything, staying angry won’t either.”

Affirmation

During an argument, Rudick said, there is no need to put the other person down with insults to their intelligence, looks, or actions. She said there are more positive ways to let someone know you are disappointed or upset without making that person feel rejected or unloved.

“If you have a relationship where the other person feels affirmed and loved through the rest of the week,” she said, “then when you get into a conflict, that person will know you care.”

It doesn’t take much to give someone a compliment, such as telling someone how much you appreciate something they did.

Philip Mazi of North Canton has learned that expressing yourself without being hurtful can be difficult but necessary.

“I just say what I have to say. Sometimes I stupidly say hurtful things, but I just try to be honest about what I believe and try not to say just what I feel,” he explained. “Too often my emotions enter the picture and it becomes spiteful or angry, so I must be careful.”

Justin and Stephanie Meusel of Canton also understand the importance of not hurting each other’s feelings.

“We try not to use words like ‘you always’ or ‘you never’ and leave out petty words so feelings don’t get hurt,” she said.

Rules

The first rule of arguing is to argue in the present, said Rudick. Bringing up things from the past is not going to get you any bonus points in the present. It is important to resolve the issue at hand and not go backward.

Lisa Shanklin of Massillon believes this.

“Depending on what the arguing is about, I can sometimes hold grudges,” she said. “As I am getting older though, I am learning to put myself in other people’s shoes more often and be a bit more understanding than I used to be. I never rehash old wounds or issues from the past. I think people that do that are just insecure with themselves and their relationships.”

If the first rule is staying on track, the second rule is listening to what the other person is saying, said Rudick.

Matt Schwab of Canton said it hasn’t always been easy, but he has learned to listen when his wife talks.

“One point we had to work out was not interrupting each other. It really annoys me, but now when we disagree, we each try to let the other complete their thought before responding.”

He said that when she gets angry with him, she goes to her bedroom and watches TV and he leaves her alone. Similarly, the last time he was angry with her, he just didn’t talk to her for a day, and she apologized that night.

Another Canton resident, Paul Weber, said he believes time has a way of bringing people closer together.

“My wife and I rarely argue,” he said. “After 33 years of marriage we are very much alike in our tastes and what we don’t like. At one time we had loud, yelling arguments, but they just seemed counter-productive.”

They were, said Rudick. Loudness equals powerlessness, she said. People tend to up the decibels as they start to feel powerless. “The louder a person becomes, the more powerless they become. That is what happens in conflict.”

A third rule of arguing is to learn to compromise.

“My wife was born in Canton. I was born in Alliance. We have lived in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan for more than 20 years now,” said John Binius of Escanaba, Mich. “We do not argue. I simply say, ‘Yes, dear.’ Hey, it works!”

Then there is the manner in which Marilyn and Bob Nehus settle a conflict -- no argument gets to spend the night. It seems to have worked for the Minerva couple. They have five children and celebrated their 50th anniversary.

“I can count on one hand the times we have argued,” said Bob Nehus of Minerva. “We have never gone to bed angry, and there is not a single night that we did not kiss each other goodnight. We love each other deeply and treasure our love for each other. It has always been that way for us.”

Making Changes

How couples work out their differences is up to them, but, Rudick said people have to be willing to work out their differences so everyone is happy with the results.

Still, change isn’t easy. If you want change, it has to come from within.

“It has to be your choice,” Rudick said. “People come in here at the last ditch of their marriage, and say they are going to change everything, but it won’t work. If you want to become a better person, you have to do it for yourself, not because your partner is leaving you.”