Ask John: How long will my (non-PC) heartache last?

Question: About month ago my girlfriend of almost three years broke up with me. She came into my life at a very dark time, and for a while was one of the only good things I had. The craziest part was that she actually liked me! She thought I was funny, intelligent, meaningful.

All the while, I knew that on some level we might have been fundamentally incompatible, due to our lifestyles and views on certain things (she never wanted to go out; I never tried to tone down some of my not-so-PC opinions on things). But I kept working on the relationship, because I wanted us to stay together.

When she ended it, she said something about wanting to “explore” her 20s, and that we "may never have worked long term." Worst of all, when I asked how long she'd felt this way, she said, "a couple of weeks." I was floored. For years, I had thought that it would be me who would end our relationship, silly as that sounds.

We went from being practically attached at the hip to nothing. And for the past month I've just been struggling to stay afloat. I go to bars, I work out, I meet people through clubs and try to be normal. But there's been this nagging feeling that I'm never gonna find what I had again. I'm stuck in this rut of self-pity and negative energy that makes it feel like I'm never going to be whole again.

So I wanna know: How much longer will I be in pain over this? When, if ever, will I heal?

Answer: I’m afraid you lost me at, “I never tried to tone down some of my not-so-PC opinions on things.” Because I’d bet a case of carbonated kombucha that what that parenthetical aside really means is, “I like expressing bigoted and/or misogynist opinions, and resent that’s not OK anymore.”

So, my primary advice to you is: Think long and hard about any opinions you hold that you know are “politically incorrect.” Because there’s an outstanding chance that what those opinions actually are is morally incorrect. And I’m sure you don’t want to be morally incorrect. K? K.

Please also think about your statement, “I always thought it would be me who would end our relationship.” That’s not a “silly” thing to say. That’s proof of the likely determining role you played in the deterioration of your relationship. That’s you saying that you tended to feel that either you weren’t good enough for her, or that she wasn’t good enough for you.

If it’s the former, then you can work on that; you can learn to feel that you are worthy of the kind of relationship you really want. If it’s the latter, then it’s good that she broke up with you, so that you didn’t have to hurt her. Either way, you land on your feet.

You ask how much longer your broken heart will ache. I’d say six months, or until you meet someone new you like. Whichever comes first.

The main thing is: Don’t rush this. If you’re her age, you’ve got a long life ahead of you. In the relationship aftermath in which you find yourself, earnestly endeavor to ... well, find yourself, to learn that no one but you will ever make you whole, to make of yourself the best, most moral person you can be.

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