Repair. Having discussed John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in previous posts, I will conclude this series with Gottman’s recommendation for relationship repair. You can practice repair during an argument that is escalating; use it to exit the argument; or use it after, when time has given you and your partner the chance for a bit of perspective. The goal of repair is to make your next conversation in this problem area—or another...

When acute or chronic negativity is present in a relationship, it is not uncommon for one person, usually the husband, to start stonewalling. The person stonewalling may avoid eye contact, focus on something outside the discussion (like a computer, newspaper, project), refuse to talk, or leave the room. Stonewalling is also known as ‘the silent treatment.’ Says John P. Gottman, PhD, “The stonewaller is really trying to calm down and not...

…contempt.” Think of contempt as any statement to or gesture toward your partner that comes from a superior place–think of sarcasm, hostile humor, name-calling, and insults; eye-rolling, sneering, or lip curling. The most dangerous aspect of contempt in a relationship is that it signals disgust and lack of respect. Can you return from this space once you’re in it? Try this and you’ll have your own answer: when you feel contempt toward...

Defensiveness is any way of warding off a perceived attack. Defensiveness involves counter attacks and whining (positioning oneself as an innocent victim). An at-risk (or simply uninformed) couple may respond to an attack with a counter-attack, e.g., “Well, I may have failed to pick up the kids on time but you should have asked if I was able to do it rather than telling me what do like you always do!” The masters at marriage tend not to...

Criticism: “You’re such a slob! If you cared about me you’d pick up your own dirty clothes rather than sitting around waiting for me to do it.” Complaint: “Honey, I hate picking your dirty clothes up off the floor.” [The ‘honey’ part is optional but it probably helps to set the right tone.] Having a good relationship doesn’t mean butterflies and rainbows. Each of us has our faults and we don’t always deal with ours or our partner’s shortcomings...