I called the company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before me a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, I took off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, I finally gave up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, I weighed myself and am delighted to find I
lost 10 lbs. as promised.

I called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever seen in my life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, I'm out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and I do my best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens and I'm gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to my delight on the fifth day when I weigh myself, I discover that I have lost another 20 lbs. as promised. So I decide to go for broke and called the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," I replied, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when I open it I find a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,... you're mine."

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfectnight for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheepand put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took hisarm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky,cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sexfor months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He leaned the old 10 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Dawson knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da shot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena."

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pee in your eye."

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS
Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Ok, we really do that, then apologize to the person and smile with them. Guess we've listened to Bill Engvall too many times with his "Here's Your Sign."

Occasionally, the perfect setup comes along. A few years ago a boat tried to go under a bridge in our area that he didn't fit under with the water up as it was. He's obviously stuck. We actually heard his call and were headed there to help with the solution which was to load additional people into his boat until it would float out. Now there was a lady who approached us as we were looking the situation over. So here goes:

Lady: He get stuck?

Me: No ma'am. He's just getting in position to haul that bridge. It's being relocated.

Lady: But I use it every day. Where are they moving it to? I hope there's a road.

Me: "Here's your Sign"

My wife now explains to her I wasn't being serious.

Sometimes you can say the most ridiculous things and not think anyone would possibly think you're serious but you are.

Then today. We were waiting at the airport baggage claim as a family member flew into Seattle to join us. We're standing there with all the others waiting for the luggage to be put on the belt and come around.

Lady: You waiting for luggage?

Me: No, ma'am. We just really like to come here and watch it go round and round.

Lady: (Frown on face as puzzled). Doesn't seem like much fun.

Wifey: It is if you take the right drugs before you come here.

Lady: I don't take drugs unless you count (and then gives us a list of all her prescriptions and vitamins she takes).

Me: Here's your Sign

We apologize and tell her we were just kidding. She seems quite relieved although not sure she isn't still convinced we're on drugs.

Now we do the same thing to each other so it's not malicious. This morning.

Wifey turns shower on.

Me: You ready to shower (ok, we do always shower together...saves water...not...but beside the point).

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS
Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

While surely not funny by any streach, the telling must be done so that all of sea fairing be made of the anology to the Nation as a whole in it's current political correct status. God help us!! Al-Ketchikan (Bridge to Nowhere) Alaska

Changes in the Navy

The Department of Defense (DoD) is proud to announce a new fleet of Class
1069 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships USS Daring and USS
Dauntless, the naming committee has, after intensive pressure from Congress,
renamed them USS Cautious and USS Prudent. The next five ships are to be USS
Empathy, USS Circumspect, USS Nervous, USS Timorous and USS Apologist. Costing
$850 million each they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health
and safety and human rights laws. The U.S. Navy fully expects any future enemy
to be decent and to comply with the same high standards of our behavior.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone
getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress
counselors and lawyers will be on board, as will a union representative for each
of the trades on board.

The crew will be 50%/50% men and women and will contain the correct balance of
race, gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only work a maximum of 40 hours per week as per union rules on
working hours, time and a half for overtime and double time on Sundays and
holidays, even in wartime.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be
allowed in the messes.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by "Hi
Sailor".
All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages.

Crew members will now have permission to grow beards and/or mustaches. This
applies equally to female crew.

A majority of Senators have suggested a "non-specific" flag because the current
"Stars and Stripes" may offend some Nations during port calls.

The newly re-named USS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by muslim cleric
from the Washington DC Mosque who will detonate a small explosive device near
the hull.

As she will gently slide into the sea the Marines Corp Band will play "In the
Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of
illegal immigrants to ports on the East coast.

The President said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and
they will always be able to comply with any new legislation from the U.N." His
final words were, "I told you there would be "CHANGE!"

DO NOT waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains. MURDERERS need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.BURGLARS when fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at a 90 degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you.MEN when listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire, then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.BLIND PEOPLE give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.RAPPERS avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.ALCOHOL makes a perfect substitute for happiness.PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.CAR thieves do not be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.MOTORISTS avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out of the pan.ALCOHOLICS do not worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.SCI-FI FANS create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.DO NOT waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to viewTHICKEN runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check the light goes off when the door is closed.BOMB DISPOSAL EXPERTS WIVES keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.OLD TELEPHONE DIRECTORIES make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you do not know.MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make perfect miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.SHOPPERS when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.MANCHESTER UNITED FANS save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all as to your allegiance.WEIGHT WATCHERS Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in the first place, you fat bastards.QUIT SMOKING by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.BEARDED MEN can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.HOUSEWIVES when nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.MAKE BATH TIMES as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.RECREATE the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.GIRLS too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sandpit in your garden and shag every

guy
who looks at you over the fence. MINOR SKIN GRAFTS can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.HIJACKERS avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.EMPTY CIGAR TUBES filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.OLYMPIC ATHLETES disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.KALE FANS save money on toilet
paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the toilet. AVOID ARGUMENTS with the missus about lifting the toilet
seat by simply pissing in the sink. SMOKERS save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

The Newfoundland Department of Employment, claimed a boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to Burin to investigate him.
Govt Agent: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my hired hand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Lamb's rum and a dozen Labatt Lite every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

Govt Agent: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."