Wednesday, June 30, 2010

First things first, a hola back to those who commented on my last post(and a big thank you for those who have commented in the past)Peridot (G+P) - Thank you for the comment :) I had a native dress made out of a neutral pattern, I'll show you when I can style my hair and make myself look pretty.

Lyndee - you are so wonderful! Thanks for being someone I can talk to :) You are beautiful too!(if not more)

Emry - Thank you for commenting. I've enjoyed this trip, but ready to return to my home

Twigs Can Fly - thank you for the lovely compliment. This is my second time visiting Congo. I hope to come back in August.

Yesterday we stopped by the nearby village, Bwe. My father is working with alternative energy as part of his humanitarian efforts. He was doing a Demo with the Chief, Michael. I had waited all week to see my little friend, Michac.

Last year when I visited he stole my heart. I was taking photos and he was the one closets to me, I tried to get him to sit on my lap and he shied away. The other kids got mad at him and tried to get him to do it, but he would just shake his head and laugh. I still have the pictures of him, and honestly I couldn't forget his face. So when we visited the village the first time(last week) and he wasn't there, I was a sad.

Well the next morning, while I slept in, my mom took my camera. She shot some pictures of the village, and when I was going through them I saw him! Later that day the Chief was traveling around with us, I asked him what the little boys name was. I even saw Michac run out as our car drove back to Kinshasa for the weekend.

Yesterday was my last chance to get a photo with him.. and when I asked where he was, as we were leaving, they said he was going to get water! I didn't want to go back to our camp(they were going to have a meeting = nothing for me to do) so I asked if I could stay in the village and just play with the kids.

Michac finally showed up, everyone yelled to him that I wanted to see him. And...he wouldn't smile for me! Ha ha. I got a few of his cute smile. But that is why I have so many pictures of him. I don't know why, but this little boy makes me feel so happy inside! If he didn't have parents, I'd consider finding a way to adopt him. I know that sounds like a very extreme thing, and no way would I be able to adopt him(its so hard to do it. there are two kids being adopted from here, they've been working on it for two years. They are bro/sis 14/16).

Why does my heart feel that way? I don't know. And there are so many cute kids out here. But for some reason, from the first time I met him, I just adore him.

Today I played soccer(football) with some of the boys that live a the Villa in the City. It was very tiring! But it felt so good to workout. I also went running yesterday morning while my Mom and another American visiting walked. It just feels good to get my heart going. When you drive in cars all day(traffic has been so bad because of the holiday), it feels good to get the legs moving. I'm even sore.

Today is a holiday out her, celebrating 50 years of freedom from Belgium.

Some african man, Antione, just told me he loves me. That is a negative thing about being here. I'm some little white girl, and the men/boys like to tell me I'm beautiful. But its creepy. I can't explain. That boy, antione, was also just sitting next to me watching me type...i'm like...space please??

Ha ha. Whatev. P misses me, I've been able to talk to him through facebook or on the phone. I asked him if he missed hanging out with me "Yes! I sit home bored." :)

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Below: At a Jesuit place. This is a Banana tree. Africa is dirty, don't judge!

I've been having a pretty good time. The anti-malaria pills have made me throw up twice now. I switched to one I used last year that should make me feel less yucky.

I love being away from everyone. My bf is making me so mad. He is drama right now. I'm trying to figure out this stupid ED, and why I feel the urge to restrict or fast. Two days ago he made me a little upset when I called him, I miss him! I got off the phone and knew I would fast the next day. I did fast most the day, but was feeling happier, and decided I was now punishing myself for acting in a selfish way. Then I ate a little.

Then felt guilty for eating, and was afraid of gaining wait. I purged for the first time in a while. It wasn't a b/p. I cried, wrote in my journal, discovered somethings. Ate dinner(asked both of my parents if this food would make me fat). Then went to bed

This trip has been really good though. I have noticed a lot of changed in just a little over a year. The streets are being cleaned up, I don't feel as threatened. Except, ha ha, some little boy did try and still a plastic bag I was carrying with some extra fabric in it. I'm having a congolese dressed made for me. I've been taking loads of pictures with my new camera! I'll post more when I have better internet. I want to steal this one boy, Mishaek! He is so adorable and I hope I get to see him tomorrow :). I remember him from last year, but he wasn't around when I visited the village he lives in.

I want to go running, and I think I'll be able to do that once we return to "the bush" and get out of the city. Stay lovely everyone!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Reporting in from Paris, DeGaulle France. Airport. Gotcha!!! He he and you thought I was just chillin in the city of love.

First off. You are all so wonderful. After 15 hours of traveling, and 8 more to go, I definitely needed a pick me up. Thank you for the compliments about my body. I don't believe you(but I'll try of course. and sometimes I even like my body). I'm hoping that stupid boy will grow some balls and propose when I get back from Congo. I called him during a layover and he said "you are going to miss our 4 year anniversary". On June 28(ish, we always fight about the exact date) we kissed for the very first time(2006). Scheisse!!! That is an effing long time.

I feel so ugh. Not human. I'm sitting here around beautiful people who have had some good sleep, and I'm wanting to hide. Do you want to know something sad? Americans are so unhealthy and overweight. When I travel outside of the U.S. everyone looks much healthier. Way to go America! Eat processed food all day long, forget about fresh fruits and veggies when offered. Only eat saturated fats, soda and sugar. We are winners.

And guess what else is screwed up. I'm about to go to a country where people are starving everyday. They make 30-40 dollars a Month, and work 12+ hours a day. Then there is me, who is picky or starves herself on occasion. Come on now Mindy, what is wrong with you???

Airplane food = unreal? Its weird. Last year when I went to Congo I was on the beginning stage of a horrible b/p world of hell. Glad I'm over that. Anyway. I can't believe I ate that stuff. Today I mostly drank ginger ale and water. I received a vegetarian pasta and sad excuse for a salad. I'm lactose intolerant, and I'm taking Malaria pills. Needless to say I didn't consume much. I was scared to go on this trip with my parents, especially my Mom.

I texted my psych saturday morning with these concerns and she told me I had to make the decision blah blah. Damn. I was hoping someone could just tell me what was best. My Mom called while I was engaged in the pros/cons and I told her I did want to go, but I didn't want her to pressure me.

"Have you been feeling that way?" she asked

Subliminally, because you're my Mom, Yes. "Not really. By that I mean if I don't want to eat then don't bug me about it. I have to choose to eat guilt free"

P expects me to come home thinner, and I don't blame him. There isn't a ton of selection, but honestly I love what there is to eat. Rice. Kasava(the leaves are soooo good. Its like spinach. Kasava, however, is the main staple food and is more like a starchy potato. I don't think I've really had the pleasure to eat the actually thing, but I'm sure I will this time because we are going to be camping out in 'the bush'). They also make this sweet waffle bread thing, honestly I'm not the biggest fan. I like simple foods, and not too sweet. Ugh. I took another Malaria pill and its starting to upset my stomach.

Okay my skinnies. Or lovlies. I'll post when I can. Have a lovely day!

Friday, June 18, 2010

So I'm done with school until fall. I think I'll get an A in one class, and then a B/B+ in the other. I guess its not bad for not being in school for...3 years? I don't know how I survived either. I was restricting a lot during the week.

But not so much today. And I feel like a whale. I'm not going to complain.

Yesterday something fun happened :) I got an new digital SLR! I can't wait to start playing photographer again, and with my own camera!!!!! I'm tickled pink. I'm giddy like a little kid on halloween.

And I am getting my Visa tomorrow..permission granted to go to Congo monday. I didn't post about this yet because it was a sudden decision. I didn't think I could get a visa approved in time to go with my parents, but looks like I'll be going.

I didn't tell P about it until yesterday, because I didn't know if it was official or not. He hugged me close and I thought he was a little teary eyed "be careful". He recently got back from religious service for two years in Kenya(for those who don't know the background. He's been home since december)

I love him. In fact I need to go pick him up from work. Try to love yourself. Try. It breaks my heart to see everyone sad, I wish we could all be worry free

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Date Taken: 6/15Weighed in this morning: 118.6I ate a solid food breakfast this morning, first time in a few days. I'm doing much better than my last post. I cried to my Mom sunday night. She wants me to move home, and I'm considering it. There are pro/con to so many things in my life right now. I don't like making decisions where the outcome is unclear.But with restricting its easy. I know the outcome.

My Dad picked me up to talk last night, surprised me by taking me to get some food. We went to a health food store/cafe. So it wasn't too bad. But he watched me as I struggled to eat my food. I couldn't finish half. Now that the cats out of the bag with my ED, its made me relapse quickly. I can tell my Dad has no idea what to do. My Mom wants to help me as well, but I'm afraid she will do the negative affect. When we got off the phone the other night she said,"Promise me you'll try to eat"

I can't promise that, because I don't like letting people down. I have to do it for myself, right? So I don't know what I'm going to do. Right now I'm just focusing on studying for my finals. Then I can make a decision as to where to go next.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to my sister's bridal gown making class. She is making my wedding dress and also using it as her class assignment. We are doing another fitting tomorrow. I'll take some pics if I can.

I'm going to the gym tonight, I have to. I went on a long walk with P last night. It was fun :) But walking isn't good enough for me!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I don't feel guilty about the intake. It had been 2 days since I had a real meal, rather than just liquids and little things.

I just got done bawling my eyes out. I don't know what is up, but I have a few theories:1) My roomates don't clean their damn dishes. I am too nice to say anything, and double nice because I clean them. I haven't used a dish in days, but I still clean them. AAAAAHHH!!! I can't stand the smelly unclean kitchen. And no one, but myself, takes out the trash. It doesn't matter if its full!! They just keep piling things on top.2) I can't sleep3) I don't know how to handle the fact that I've started moving toward recovery. How have I handled it?? Hardcore relapse. I have no desire to eat. At dinner.. I cut my food into tiny bite size bits. First time in a long time, and I nearly cried while P was away from the booth. I don't plan to eat unless it comes up with P, then yeah I'll eat. He knows I'm struggling again. I feel so bad that he has to deal with me. Will he leave me? Screw this ED. I don't want to lose him.4) I'm a girl5) I want to get married but money money money....i hate it. 6) I'm alone

I wanted to cut my hair this morning:Instead.. I got some stuff to make extensions. Don't laughJune 10 (from my new journal)I met with the friend P's Dad referred me to. It took me a lot of guts to tell P about my ED. And a few weeks ago we decided to talk to his dad for advice. He knows about my ED, and he said he'd look into finding me a therapist through his connections.I felt a major relapse about to begin, I was scared. Would I binge/purge again? I didn't want that, I couldn't put myself through that. But I was having a hard time restricting, so I wanted to learn how to cope and control the urge to b/p. I also wanted to move forward. Hopes to get married were being hindered because of my issues. P was so willing and ready to help me, and after I told him I wanted help he said he felt better about continuing with getting engaged.I started restricting more after I talked to his Dad, although nothing extreme. I started going back to the gym habitually. My body knows its control was about to be interrupted, my ED was about to be questioned.Despite my positive actions and sincerity to 'get help', I know it is more serious than I am telling everyone. For the past few months I've been eating pretty well, I haven't put on much weight but i constantly felt my body changing. I tried to restrict, but gave in to rationality. Today it was easy not to eat:B - Breakfast drink (130 cal)L - nothingD - Grapes, lemonadeLater - milk shake, puddingMeeting with a therapist was hard, and I was skeptical. i felt out of body as I sat in her office and told her everything about my ED. All he words coming out of my mouth were ironically familiar. I was just like the girls in books, movies, or blogs who suffered annorexia/bulimia. I don't want to constantly worry about what is being put inside my body. I try to enjoy food like i used to, but I fear it.How can I recover? It seems impossible for me, but I guess most of us ED sufferers have thought or think it. Can I rediscover the love for my own self? Today I took one step toward recovery, but I know it will not be easy. Its as though my disorder knows its about to be exposed, and its controlling me again.I don't want to eat, I am scared. I am going to lose the control I've had hidden to myself.M (therapist) said these words "sneaky, lies, manipulative" I do not want to be that, but I AM! I'm horrified to admit that I do that to others, and myself.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

You try to look away, but its as if she is Medusa, and your gaze is locked. Her stick thin legs are elegant as she walks with model-like strides. You compare yourself, you are worthless. You wonder if she has caught you gaping at her perfect legs. Your thighs are thicker, your calves aren't skinny, and don't you dare blame it on the high top converse for making them look "chunky"

You envy her. You hate her. You wish you knew why she was so perfect, and secretly hope she falls in the heels she can barely walk in.

I weighed in this morning: 120.2. I feel a little put out with my intake. I could have done better, I didn't stick to liquids like I planned. And as far as working out: 35 minutes of eliptical. Shame on me. I am sore from yesterdays work out though. it feels good

Good news: I bought three new books, "Slim to None" "The best little girl in the world" and "Biting anorexia".

Now i must sleep. I have to do a mock trial of writing a "breaking news story". I have to listen to some tape and then write up a story within an hour and a half or something. Its something I have to do to apply for the Communications program, but if I don't do well...I can just take it again.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

You are almost shaking as you set the scale on the flat bathroom tile. Its been used more often lately. The weigh in doesn't surprise you, you just ate some chicken salad.

Horrified.

What if it doesn't go away.

If only he hadn't felt your hot skin. "Are you okay you're burning". He brought you water and that sufficed your hunger. It didn't quench his needs, he was worried.

You're shivering in your apartment, while everyone complains of the heat. "Its because you need more calories" he whispers. You won't argue, you want him to stay. But he can't make you eat it all. You stop, a little too full for what you aimed. Guzzle some lemonade, but ask him to put the rest away.

Your body aches from the morning workout. 45 minutes elipticle, 425 calories. lower back and obliques. Don't forget the fact that you only got 1.5 hours of sleep. A full day of school work and class, your brain is a little fried.

You thought you'd be happy to see him tonight. He surprised you with a note and a rose.

You felt invisible, he didn't hold you or kiss you. He put food in your belly. He left, you are confused. You'll have to do double cardio tomorrow. He'll notice you when you're disappearing

I won't post my weight, because I usually weigh in the morning. I am so sore!!! I think its a mixture of working out and being stressed. I need to get some sleep :)

Its 12:00 AM. I am going to do liquids tomorrow, if not a fast. I just need to fuel my brain so I can study for my finals.

Who I am

I have been blogging for over three years. I have been high and low weights. All the games of an ED I have played. I have gone through treatment. I still struggle with things, especially when I hit low points in life. I am who I am. I try to avoid the unhealthy choices of what an eating disorder contains. They can't understand why I do what I do. No one understands unless they have gone through it themselves.