Maybe some of you remember my goal to lose a large amount of weight this year, especially before my sister’s wedding in September? Maybe you don’t and that’s okay, but I’m going to preach to you about its moments of success and failure.

In my attempts to lose weight this year, I joined Weight Watchers with my mother in late March, which I had dubbed “AA for Fatties” to be a smart ass since going was not my idea. After going for the better part of the year, my snarky attitude towards the program has drastically changed. Sure, it is a little structured like AA for a group of overweight people, but there’s a reason AA works for those inflicted with addictions and those same reasons are why WW works for overweight people.

There’s something about being around people who can completely relate to your struggle and who, unlike the average outsider, can understand your excitement over the most menial milestones like one pound a week. Most people would look at you like, “so what?” when you’re jumping for joy over that pound a week, but not WW people. WW people find this achievement huge because you lost something at all. Something about that encouragement, even over the smallest things, makes you work harder at making those achievements bigger each week. You never feel like you’re being judged in a WW meeting. You feel like you know these people, even though you never even see each other outside of that 30 minute meeting once a week.

Honestly, it took me a while to realize this. I knew that WW in general worked if you stuck to the “program” but because my mother was forcing me to go I sat in the meeting against my will and angsty for the first couple months, not absorbing a damn thing about what it had to offer. Now you’ll find me in the front row, asking questions, and making friends. It’s funny how much my attitude has changed.

The thing about WW, though, is that you have to go. You can’t just go for a little while and then think you’re fine on your own. You might succeed for a little while like that, but I assure you you’ll soon find yourself right back where you started. And so this is almost where I am now.

Once Rachel’s wedding had arrived, planning got intense and “extracurricular activities” like WW (and reading and writing, etc…) lost its priority. At that point I had lost 23 lbs. (on track to have probably lost 40 by now). I already felt fantastic, even though I still had a way to go to reach my desired weight. I thought nothing could break me. I thought for sure there was no way I’d let that weight come back because I’d worked so hard to make it fade. We virtually stopped going to WW in September and my theory of how well I’d do without it was totally wrong.

I have gained almost all of that weight back in just the last few months.

I could sit here and blame the holidays, and how the food is just too delicious to resist, and in an unusual abundance too, but I won’t. It’s called control, and I lost it. It’s about structure and routine, and I walked away from it. But it doesn’t mean I can’t make it happen again. I already know where I failed, I just need to get my shit back together and do it.

My overall weight loss goal still remains. I will not turn 30 this year feeling the way I do, carrying a fat suit that does not belong to my body.

January 2012, I return to Weight Watchers. This time, I won’t stop.

For those of you who struggle with your weight, how successful were you in 2011?

Everyday I find myself reflecting on the same weight related thoughts: How did I get this big? Will I ever lose all of this weight? Is this grueling routine even worth my effort? When will I feel like myself again?

In my mind I imagine myself looking much like I did when I was younger – toned and petite – but this is so far away from what I look like now. I’m not sure if it was this delusional view I have of myself that helped me get to where I am or if it’s natural to just blow up seemingly overnight when you live a fairly sedentary life. It’s probably a mixture of both.

I’d like to be one of those people who work out religiously. I could see a version of myself being this way, but trying to be that person right now at my current largeness feels like an impossible feat. There’s a disconnection between my desire to act and having the actual motivation to force myself into a new habit. Changing my eating habits has been easier.

When I first joined WW I was very opposed to the idea. You may even remember me referring to it as “AA for Fat People.” While I still have a hard time speaking up most weeks, I’ve grown to appreciate the weekly meetings. It’s amazing the things I’ve learned about how we should eat and why. It makes making food choices so much easier on a daily basis. Before I’d solely try to stay within my point range no matter what I was eating, but I found myself hungry and aggravated with no results. Now I eat quite a bit a day, but I’ve chosen “power” foods that help increase the weight loss process (like a lot of fruits and vegetables which are zero points) or foods high in protein to keep me full longer. It has changed my weight loss efforts drastically.

Overall I’ve only lost 10 lbs, but all of that has been recent weight loss because I just wasn’t doing it right in the beginning. While I still have so much more to go, I feel so much better already with just those first 10 lbs gone. There’s not turning back for me at this point. I am more determined than ever. I will succeed!

Peace – Sarah

*Instead of using the term “fat” our WW leader uses the word “fluffy.” When I think “fluffy” I think furry bunnies, cats, or dogs, soft stuffed toys, etc… and because of this I find her usage of the word “fluffy” in regards to fat people very amusing.

I realize it’s been a super long time since I made a post that had to do with something other than music. I guess part of my lack of posting is due to the fact that for the most part only one person replies to my posts and I talk to her everyday anyway. Still, I was so active on here in 2010, even when there was no one reading and so it’s stupid to be so inactive in 2011 just because the blogosphere is quiet. I will try harder to be around more often in case there are any of you left wondering about my life.

I apologize in advance for how long this post will be.

Writing:

It’s been slow, I’ll be honest. Some days there is a lot going on in my mind, but others it’s completely silent. As much as the days where the chatter’s too much to decipher are difficult to deal with, the silence scares me even more.

My current WIP has had some improved scenes created, but the majority of the work completed on it in the last month was reviewing and revising. While this is partly because my characters have been off “playing with” my crit partners characters, it’s also because the next big series I will work on has been demanding my attention.

When I say demanding, I don’t just mean a few ideas either, I mean like whole books being fleshed out, characters with names and completely defined physical characteristics, their voices, the first two books prologues, actual narration that goes down in book 1 and more. It’s blowing me away how ‘alive’ they’ve become in my mind now, but it’s also exciting me.

It was an idea I had briefly a while ago, but really didn’t know what sort of direction it’d take and certainly didn’t think it’d be the next book I’d work on, but I’m pretty confident that after my Cleaphytes series is complete (2 books), I’ll be jumping into a 4 book series right away.

In fact, if my current characters don’t start “playing” in my mind again soon, I may just start this second series and attempt to write two stories at once (even though I swore that was something I was incapable of). I guess we’ll see what happens.

Reading:

Since my last “real” post I’ve read quite a bit. Not as much as I’d hoped by now exactly, but I’m 13 books into my to-be-read pile for the year so far. That’s not terribly bad.

I’m currently reading CITY OF BONES (Mortal Instruments, Book 1) by Cassandra Clare, which I will no doubt be finished with by the evenings end. I intend to read all 4 of the books in the series plus CLOCKWORK ANGEL (Infernal Devices, Book 1) this month in a challenge against a friend of mine to see who can finish first. At this rate, with the way I’m loving the story so far, I’m pretty positive I’ll win. I’d like to take a moment to give a shout out to alice_vd for turning me onto the series. Alice, I can absolutely see why you love it so much! It is quickly becoming one of my favorite reads!

Other books I’ve read since the last post include:

INVINCIBLE (Chronicles of Nick, Book 2) by Sherrilyn Kenyon – You all have to know by now how much of a Sherrilyn Kenyon fangirl I am, so obviously I swallowed this book whole the second it arrived in the mail. I absolutely adore how it connects to the Dark-Hunter world and the build up that’s being created in this YA series so that Nick can finally have his own Dark-Hunter book in that series when he’s grown. My only gripe is having to wait a whole year for more!

DEMONGLASS (Hex Hall, Book 2) by Rachel Hawkins – When I read HEX HALL last year it was just something with a pretty cover that *looked* interesting at the library and I honestly had no intentions of reading it quickly, but that’s exactly what I did. Rachel Hawkins writes from a teen’s voice spot on and the clash of characters oddly work so well together. In DEMONGLASS the bulk of the book takes place in London, but since the general story is boarding school based it really doesn’t matter where they are in the world – they issues they face are similar. It was a book I had a hard time putting down, but I expected that honestly. I can’t wait for Book 3!

FORGIVE MY FINS by Tera Lynn Childs – This was my first Tera Lynn book and also my first modern twist of Mermaid lore book. I blew through this book. It was a short read that moved at steady pace with all this wonderful water/fish like talk and a really cool take on mermaid life (which being a super fan of THE LITTLE MERMAID growing up, I thoroughly enjoyed). The characters were snarky to the max which was highly entertaining. I liked this book so much I even convinced my 50 year old mom to read it and she finished it fast too. It’s definitely a book I’d suggest picking up!

TRAPPED by Michael Northrop – I loved this book, especially with as cold as it’s been this past winter. There was nothing supernatural about it, just a handful of kids trapped in school during the worst snowfall on record. The panic the book builds as the days pass and trouble arises as a result is perfect! I just kept thinking – Are these kids gonna make it out alive?! My only gripe is how suddenly it ended. According to websites offering the book it claims it has 240 pages, while mine only had 232. I couldn’t help but feel like there could have been 8 more pages of the story I was missing. Receiving a second version of this book disproved my theory though so I guess it just ended and not in a bad way, just quicker than I expected. It was definitely a worthwhile read and if you’re someone who goes for cool effects in books, one of my favorite things was watching the height of the snow rise with the beginning of each chapter until the page was completely submerged!

After my Mortal Instruments reading challenge in April, I plan to read the Daughters of the Moon series (or at least the 2 volumes currently out (aka first 6 books)) for Heather’s (edgyauthor) birthday month. She loves this series so very much and since we pretty much like ALL of the same things, I have no doubt that I’ll enjoy it just like her!

I’ve also acquired quite a few books since the last time I actually took pictures of my beauties (which was what, Christmas?). I’ll do a separate post to glorify them all after my birthday in case I get any more. 😉

Life in General:

Remember that weight loss goal I set at the beginning of the year? Yeah, well I’ve failed, miserably. So bad that I actually gained weight and now that my sisters wedding is about 5 months away there’s no time like the present to finally take this serious. In an effort to make something happen, Mom made me actually join Weight Watchers with her. I’ve done a WW like diet before, but always on my own. Mom swears when you go to classes you take it more seriously. Maybe she’s right, I don’t really know. Right now though, all it feels like is an AA meeting for fat people. I don’t mean that in an offensive way. I know those sorts of things are the saving grace for some, but for me it just feels humiliating. *Sigh*

Work has been super stressful and draining. Do you remember The Mayo Thief AKA my nemesis at work? Well at the very end of February they finally let him go which made me happy because A: I wouldn’t have to deal with him or cover for him anymore –AND- B: Getting his workload dumped on me could mean a much needed raise. All that’s really happened though is that my workload is so tremendous now I’m barely ever getting on top of it no matter how hard I push myself. And the errors in the work he left behind are terrifying. It’s a constant struggle to set things right and so frustrating that my bosses let this nonsense go on for so long that it is at the point it is. Not to mention, a month later now and still no mention of a raise. I’m starting to wonder why I work so hard. He’s evidence of getting away with half assed work for years and he made at least 20,000 more a year than me. I make chump change and haven’t had a raise in 4 years. Work makes me angry more than anything most days now. *Sigh*

The weather here is driving me mad. I’ve lived in MD all of my life so it really shouldn’t surprise me how schizophrenic it can be, but its April, Earth. Don’t you know that means its spring? Why is it still cold enough to snow here? I mean, I love cold weather (Lord knows I hate being hot), but even I’m at my end with this dreary cold air. I want spring, I want flowers, and I want warm sunshine with a slight breeze. Is this too much to ask in April? SMH…

Speaking of April, it will be a rather busy month for me. I’ve got a hair appointment this weekend, my birthday next weekend, my sister’s baby shower next weekend, an unpleasant doctor’s appointment the following week, and that whole reading challenge (which equals reading 5-500 page books in 4 weeks). But even with all that I plan to really try and be active on here more than I’ve been so far this year. I feel bad for being so behind and while I know it will take me a while to catch up on all of your blogs, I plan to make a strong effort to do it!

One last thing before I go. I’ve always wanted an awesome piggy bank and while out shopping with my mom recently we stumbled upon one that was just calling my name. It was such an awesome pig that some old lady actually tried to take it from me. No joke. She crept up on me and threatened, “You’re lucky I didn’t see that first because it would be mine!” I was like, whoa omg! LOL! Funny/scary old lady. Anyway, without further ado I introduce to you Haywood Hall, possibly the coolest pig ever. (Just saying)