Sunday, May 13, 2012

Happy Mother's Day

It is such a bittersweet holiday now. When I look back at my life since last Mother's day, I can't help becoming depressed. I know that I should be happy and focus on the newer memories with my daughter, but I can't. Of course I love finally being a mother of a living child. Of course I am happy with the man I chose to spend my life with. I am grateful that I have a grandmother still living. I am thankful for my MIL who treats me like her own. I am thankful that John's grandmother is still here and that she treats me like one of her own too. I am thankful............But I am still sad that I don't have my mother here with me. I do take comfort in the face that she is with Him and that I will see her again one day, but that doesn't take the hurt and the anger away. I loved that woman so very much and it was literally heartbreaking to watch her wither away, both physically and mentally. Obviously with a brain tumor and treatment the person changes. There is literally no way possible for her to continue to be the same. I basically watched what happens Alzheimer's happen to my mother in a matter of four months. And it isn't fair, but I know that life isn't fair.
Today went as well as expected. We went to church with John's mom, we then went and ate at my parent's tonight. I spent the afternoon with my grandmother (Ma) and if anyone else had a harder time with today than I did it was Ma. I think she just needed us with her today. She cried when she read the card I gave her. Now don't get me wrong with what I said earlier because I do love that woman with my whole heart. I basically just wanted her to know that she is my second mother and everything she has done for me in my life is honorable. And while her child isn't here on earth anymore that I would always be hers. Fro some very strange reason, after my mom died, I can't even begin to tell you how many people told Ma that they were sorry that she would be all alone now. Who would do that, but I am glad she didn't feel this way at all because I heard her tell more than one person that she felt that she had four children and that three of us were still going to be there. And she is right. She does have us. For that fact alone, I love her even more.
So Happy Mother's Day to those who have children here on earth, to those of you who have angels in Heaven, for those of you who have been unable to have children, for those who have mothers here on earth and to those of you who have mothers in Heaven. Happy Mother's Day

4 comments:

i thought about you and said prayers for you on mother's day. you have every right to feel everything you're feeling. bittersweetness is such an emotion feeling. i hope that peace finds its way to you this week, joy. you're always in my prayers <3xoxomaria

I can't imagine what it is like to spend mother's day without your mother and I won't pretend I do. It must have been very hard for you. Your Ma is very lucky to have a kind soul like you to be there for her. You are right, life just isn't fair. I hope someday we all gather in heaven and say, "Aha, this is why it all had to happen."Any how, I hope you had an okay Mother's Day despite the sadness that I know must fill you on that day...xoxox

Joy,Thank you so much for all your loving words and thoughtful prayers and understanding. It means so much to me always. It has been so so trying and heartbreaking but I won't ever lose faith. Thank you for keeping the faith, my friend. Wishing you a nice Monday. XoxoxMaria

this was so heartbreaking girl... so thankful when we lose someone we love, that there is hope and we can one day be reunited...i couldnt figure out how to email you, but i wanted to let u know i was changing my swap button size to 200x100. do u have one that size? if so can u email it to me.? or if not, do u need me to resize urs? let me know =) love ya girl...