Friday, November 4, 2011

Peace must come from within before it is experienced from outside of ourselves. We cannot expect our peace to come from external sources. Once we come to terms with ourselves and our own lives, and are no longer in battle with our own selves, then we have no need or desire to battle with others, then the magical happens, and peace surrounds us and we ARE Peace and we can spread Peace by example.

All too familiarYet it has been a long whileFamiliar it isMy heart yearnsMy mind knows betterJust keep quiet, it saysIt's easier this wayKeep the PeaceIt's easier this way

Meanwhile, my soul screamsSee me for who I amNot for what you've decided I amOr for what you've decided I've decided I amSee me for who I am Not for who I've marriedNot for what I'm doing with my lifeSee me for who I am

I know it's hard when I don't shareAnymoreIt's safer that wayFor meSee me for who I amFor the gifts I have to offerSe aside your fearsSee me for who I amStop hiding behind the red and orange oozeShow me who you areFor realGet realLive Life!Be presentYour children need you

Neither the surfaceNor the depthsAre okay hereYears ago I arrived atOkay with it not being okayI was okay with thatRight now I am not okayThere is so much more

Please treat me like a person you reallyReally, really, really, REALLYCare aboutMy open attempts in the pastGreeted with stoic impartialityOr stunned silence

Thank you for your recent defensesI acknowledge themI know they come with new awarenessI am gratefulMy heart cannot graspThat you do not see me beyond thisIt remains protectedBetween my lungsThumping with each secondAs time moves onInto the future

I release and allowWith a tenderized heartYou to be my guideMy teacherThe knowledge of LoveBeing thereAnd I knowAll is as it should beProbably for this very reason I learn and growDiscovering more strength in myself

I recognize the realityFor strength in reaching outTo othersThis planet holds more than just meWe are not by ourselves

The balm of forgivenessWhere there is nothing to forgiveOf realizationWashes over my throatTears on my pillow

I feel somewhat unsettled as the wind is howling and the trees are swaying violently outside. The sky is dark with gray with foreboding.Maybe it’s stir craziness I’m experiencing from having been in bed for the last week with a strange illness that can’t seem to decide what it is, and is taking its time taking its leave.I’m pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired.I know, well, have learned, in the past, that when I get sick enough to knock me out of commission as I’ve been, my life is about to change.It’s a cocooning of sorts, a reorganization.I am definitely very happy with my life in this place to where it has evolved, and am open to change for even better, on whatever level.This said, this doesn’t feel to me like a cocooning on a personal level, it definitely feels more of a stepping back from the humanity and planetary level.After a conversation with my mother earlier today, who is also suffering from this strange malady, I realize that perhaps the Universe is telling us to take cover, lay low for a bit, perhaps...rest up.

I can only surmise or speculate that this may have something to do with the recent solar flares, with which their Earth arrival corresponded precisely with the onset of my illness, which has been fiery, feverish, with burning pain, mainly in my throat.During the illness, some thoughts occurred to me, in light of, in spite of, or instead of the solar flare possibility.One thought is that on a humanity level we are being dredged for the final drudge of karma that can be elicited before we have the opportunity for Ascension, if that is where we’re headed.My human mind has no idea, and I have no answers, all I can do is go with the flow.Bizarre things are happening in the world, even more so than usual, it seems.My dreams have been ultra strange during this illness, and I haven’t had the time or energy to analyze them.I’m okay with that, as it feels they are processing and processing…something.

Meanwhile, I feel more and more disconnected from humanity, and have no interest in the chaos that humanity pours on itself.The personal dramas, the work dramas, the political dramas… are all karma either being played out or transcended.Somehow I see beyond the drama, directly to the soul connection, the love, and can see that there is no reason for fear.Death is not to fear, none of what we experience in life or are about to experience is to fear.Life would be very, very different for every individual, and thus our collective communities if all decisions were made in love, instead of fear. This would also be a different life if Earth’s inhabitants had no fear of death.There was a particular scene that reminded of this, in Shirley MacLain’s miniseries Out On a Limb.I hadn’t read her book or watched the miniseries before last night, but I have read much over the past 15 years about near death experiences, out of body experiences, spiritual matters, etc., and have had plenty of direct experiences that have brought my thought process to where it resides currently.It was interesting to watch her metamorphosis, like a butterfly, through the show.She resisted every step of the way, it appeared, but finally came to the realization that what she was experiencing and hearing was real and she obviously took action on the information she received.Her experiences were more real than this weird world we live in and have collectively created for ourselves.I am very glad to be reminded of this in this entertaining manner, although our true nature is almost always on my mind.

I’ve also been reading a very interesting book on Dreaming and the Kaballah.The premise is that our awakened state is at least as much of a dream-time than our sleeping state.I’m not finished reading it yet, but I am sure I will have more to contemplate on this and the implications.

The theme this week in my awareness, it seems, is letting go.In A Course in Miracles, our lessons have been about letting go (“loose-ing”) of the world we have created.A client of mine’s main desire was to “let go” of the stuff he was ready to release so that he could move forward into his new life.Letting go is one of the most difficult things a person can do.What does it take to let go of the worry? To let go of the fear?To let go of having to know the how, or the why, or all of the answers.If we let go, what are we left with?Who are we without that fear?Who are we without that worry?Do we feel like we have to worry about something to be doing it “right”?Do we have to be doing everything right?If we let go of fear, are we out of our minds?Maybe so.Is that such a bad place to be?

In Chinese medicine, letting go is the action of the Large Intestine.We take in the events life presents to us (through the Stomach/solar plexus/Liver), let it churn a bit, send it to the Small Intestine for discernment, for sorting.Small Intestine is the energy of discerning the turbid from the clear, retaining the clear, and sending the turbid to the Large Instestine for discharge, or letting go.The clear is associated with the blessings, and what we want to keep to enrich ourselves and our lives.The turbid is the crap that no longer serves us and we need to let go.The energy of the Lung is directly related to the energy of the Large Intestine.Lung is about grief and sorrow.If we can grieve something, then we can let it go.Sometimes we don’t know that we need to grieve something, but our bodies will tell us.

Letting go is very freeing.When you let go, those things hold no power over you, you reclaim your own power, and can move forward in a powerful way, rather than a fearful way.Then your energy can be directed into creative endeavors. I realize this takes a lot of trust.Trust in yourself, trust that everything will turn out “right”.And “right” may not be our narrow perception of what is right for our lives, for we see very little of our full paths while we are incarnate and have very little knowledge of the meanings of our encounters and experiences.In my experience, once I realized that there is a far bigger picture than my small awareness, my prayers and intentions became more for the greatest good of all involved, and allowing those who had a far greater awareness than mine, to make it happen.I’ve since learned that these kinds of prayers often have the most profound outcomes, as I let go of my perceived best outcome.I am not to judge what is the best outcome for anyone, not even for myself.I can set my intention for what I think will be a great outcome, but I will always end it with “this or better”, as I do not know the lessons that need to be learned or the greater joy that can be experienced.It’s called surrender.

As the winds and the storm have subsided, I feel more at peace in my heart.I feel more connected to my spirit, and am calmer about the next moment.Solar flares or no solar flares, lunar eclipse or no lunar eclipse, and ascension or no ascension, I know that my life is dedicated to peace and love, and sharing and serving.Perhaps my time cocooning is helping me strengthen this connection to my Source and helping me remember the theme of surrendering to the Greater Good and allowing it to flow through me.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

In this dream I was with my family, my mom, step dad, my sons, somewhere on a trip. We were gathering our things to leave, and somewhere on the trip, either found by me or given to me by one of the sons, I had acquired a goldfish. He was currently in a makeshift fish tank in the cabin and I wondered how I was going to take him with us when we left. Someone suggested a newspaper bag, so I thought that would be helpful. I filled the bag with his water from the tank, he escaped and was on the table out of the water, looking at me. The boys were laughing. I put the bag near the fish and he hopped right in. In my mind ran concerns regarding his being able to breathe in the bag. For some reason there wasn't enough water in the bag, and the fish was indicating, by jumping out again, that it was not to his liking. Then, for some reason, I filled up the bag with milk, thinking this way the fish could have nourishment while it traveled with us. This was not a happy answer for the fish, who, by the way, was more of a Dr. Seuss goldfish than a regular boring goldfish. In the milk it was standing on its tail, with its head out of the milk, almost shaking his head "no". I emptied the milk, and refilled with tank water, in yet another bag, this one a bread bag. There was lots of water, and I was trying to find the balance between air and water, not sure how long this was to be his home. I breathed some of my breath into the bag, with the hope of finding that right balance.

Eventually my dream went on to the next scene and I don't know if I ever got it right for that fish.

What if that fish is me? I can be a Dr. Seuss goldfish for a moment. Here I am wondering where my home is going to be when my house sells. Which bag (or home) is going to be just right as I "travel" with my sons and parents in this stage of our lives? Which one provides the most breathing room, the most nourishment, enough of my own environment and happiness? Interesting to note my own guessing game and seeming inability to figure it out and provide just the right environment for the "fish". This is the planner in me, to which I have been bringing more and more balance. I don't know the answers, all I can do is trust that the right situation is manifesting in the perfect timing, as it always has, in spite of all of my past planning and trying to make it work.

I am open to the Grace of the Universe in this transitional situation, and am excited to see what results come about. I know that the happiest answer for all concerned is manifesting and we all live in joy and great connection.

One day there is a day without a name. And the next day is Saturday. It was an odd dream amidst the enormous howling of the wind and wind chimes throughout the night outside the bedroom window. My vague memory of the dream was that I was searching with my mother for large letters for some reason (see? very vague), and once we had let go of that mission she and I entered a backyard of sorts with a fence, and found the letters to spell out the word "Saturday". Each letter was on a large, maybe 1' x 2' rubber panel, very fancy and rounded with a couple of colors. They had been deposited there for us as a gift from the Universe. We were overjoyed to see them, and whoever it was who left them for us was still there with us, and kept leaving gifts for us. We were told that there is a day without a name, and the next day is Saturday. It made no sense to us in the dream, and I still don't understand.

Except that today I finally rolled out of bed after a relatively sleepless night, to find that an 8.9 earthquake and 23 foot tsunami hit Japan, and that Hawaii, where my brother and his family are, and the West Coast, are all under tsunami warnings. Many people have lost their lives and are witnessing and experiencing massive destruction. Meanwhile I sit here in the peace of my home, sending prayers out to all of them.

It is Friday, after all, but these people who have been affected are probably not so concerned right now with what day of the week it is.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Three dreams I had last night stand out clear enough to remember and comment on.

In one dream I was getting ready to play tennis again after a long time away from the game. Some adjustments needed to be made before I could play. Specifically, the net needed to be lowered so it would be easier for me to get the ball over it. A lot of time was spent on retying each side of the net in three specific places to the poles that were holding the net up. It was important to tie them in the right places just for me. At one point I even had to use a sweater I was wearing to fully tie the net in the right place. I was fully present with the process of putting the net in the right place for me to play tennis again. Finally I was ready to play. In the dream I don't recall actually playing tennis, but a little later in a dream reflection while I was still asleep I realized that there really isn't any need to lower a tennis net to be able to hit a ball over it. The net is low enough, and hitting a ball over it is actually very easy. In that dream state I was asking myself, "for what purpose was all of that preparation and work?" I will get back to this after I relay the other dreams.

In the next dream I was walking along a paved trail with several of my family members. The trail ran along the edge of a cemetery in which there were dozens of burials happening or waiting to happen. Most of the dead people waiting to be buried were not in coffins, it was a gruesome scene of dead bodies and grieving and lost souls. Our group was aware of the burials, of the death all around us, but we were not part of it, and knew that we did not need to engross ourselves in it, and we continued to walk along the path.

The third dream involved an older couple that was unfamiliar to me. They had acquired a brand new "old timey" car. It was large and black with smooth curves. The couple had invited me to go somewhere with them, and we spent quite a bit of time getting into the car, making sure the doors would shut and not close anyone in them. Also, in the front hood, there were spaces to put the food that the couple was taking to their event, so it would stay warm near the engine. We got the food situated and the woman all tucked into her seat, and finally closed the door. This happened several times. Meanwhile the man waited semi-patiently in the driver's seat. He was relatively anxious to get going. He almost took off without making sure I was in the car safely in the back seat, after I'd spent a good amount of energy to ensure they were both comfortable and enclosed properly.

If there's a common theme with these three dreams, it seems it would be about preparation, or preparing for things/events that don't need so much time and energy for preparation. Why all of the unnecessary adjusting for the tennis net to play again? Why all of the preparation to get in this new old car and go somewhere I'm not sure of with these people I don't know? Why is the cemetery so full of people preparing to bury their loved ones? Why am I so involved in the tennis net and car preparation and not at all in the burial preparation?

My thoughts on this are spiritual in nature. If we are of Spirit and that is our true nature, but we have forgotten on this earthly plane, what do we really need to do to remember we are of Spirit, and live a Spirit-filled life? If there is an awareness of this importance, our current collective consciousness seems to need tools to get us to that understanding and remembering. Tools are great as long as we feel we need them. By tools, I mean anything that helps us remember or reclaim or re-experience our Oneness with Source. This could be through meditation, acupuncture, toning, bodywork, a walk in nature, going to church, reading inspiring works, and many others. They all have inherent personal value as stepping stones to knowing our connection.

Ultimately we don't need any of the tools, we just need to know we are connected, we are perfect, all of our needs are met, and we are fully loved. It seems that many people spend a lot of time, energy, and money in tools to help them re-connect. I am certainly no stranger to using tools, for I have many at my disposal, and I use them as an acupuncturist for these purposes to help others. I often tell patients when I first see them (if I sense they are receptive), that acupuncture is merely a tool for helping people tap into their own energy, and healing themselves. It's an energy training of sorts, and ultimately people can, and hopefully will, learn to heal themselves, it is not only a gift through the acupuncturist or meditation leader, or whomever is holding the tools at the moment.

At some point, tools can become crutches, or maybe even obstacles to reaching our goals. If all of my time and energy was spent on getting the net just right to make it easier to lob the ball, what happened to simply playing the game? The same with the car trip to the unknown with all of the energy spent making sure we're safe and secure, we never actually went anywhere. This reminds of when I first learned some of the tools of Science of Mind/Religious Science, mainly the use of affirmations to realign my thinking and thoughts about myself and Life and things that didn't appear to be working well. I spent well over a year affirming over and over in my journal the affirmations I wanted to be true in my life, specifically about being in a happy and healthy, loving and mutually respectful relationship. Three whole pages every day were devoted to realigning my thoughts with affirmations.

One day I realized that I was stuck in the affirmations, the tool, and that by affirming what I wanted to be I was also affirming what I didn't yet have. I was holding it all in place with the affirmations. I decided I was done writing about it, I was ready to live it. With conviction, I let go of the tool and the affirmations, and my life began its whirlwind journey to where I am now, living the life those early affirmations and new thoughts set forth. In the process I learned new tools, mainly meditation, acupuncture, colorpuncture, breathing, multi-incarnational sessions, and workshops that helped with each step when I felt I needed them.

If playing tennis is a metaphor for remembering my connection to my Source, and lowering the net is an unnecessary tool to make it easier to lob the ball over or to remember that connection, all I really need to do is start playing tennis and know my connection without a doubt in every moment. No net preparation necessary. This, to me, means living each moment knowing I'm connected to our Source, being as present as possible and sending and receiving Divine Love all the time, and not be attached to the tools that have helped me get to this point from the past. Their only value is what I place on them currently and what I have placed on them in the past. If I forget my connection and lose faith or trust, I imagine the tools are still there and could be useful for remembering to the extent that I feel I need them.

I know in this third and fourth dimensional world so much is based on the physical, the scientific, the tangible, and that physical death seems like an incredible loss. On the personality level, it is devastating the pain and grief and worry we go through when loved ones become ill or transition suddenly from this dimension to their soul's next level, as they/we lay our bodies aside so that our souls are free. In our society especially, there seems to be a lot of fear and sadness around death of the physical body. On a soul level, however, this transition is a remembering, a celebration, a re-birthing into the beauty and connection with Source, and while the personality healing experiences are necessary for emotional healing and karmic re-balancing, they are not necessary for our soul's remembering. It seems a strange polar world we live in, and we always have the choice where we place our focus and intention.

Constantly Life is showing us that we have a choice of how to perceive the events that occur around us, and we can choose to propagate the karma or lift out of it and love from a different place in our hearts. From choosing a new perspective, profound events have taken place in my life which, I feel, have propelled me further along the path of choosing from a conscious soul perspective rather than a personality perspective. I am definitely not saying that my unconscious mind doesn't still drive me to whatever extent, it will as long as I have this human form with an ego, but my conscious intention lay in the focus of conscious soul decisions that may override the karma that my ego has created in the past.

I've had a few "tool-free" spontaneous enlightening experiences, but have yet to experience Life fully lived (at least this lifetime) in constant, complete and utter knowing of my connection to my Source. My life has come to a very consistent happy place, and yet I know there is an even deeper experience than celebrating the work and manifestations of my intention. I intend to look at what tools I've been using lately that may be keeping me "safe" and "stuck" in my current intentions and experiments, and discern what I'm ready to release and experience more deeply into knowing my connection with All That Is and what that means for my Life currently lived.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I become aware of Seven, then quickly Twelve Beings. They are sitting, no, not sitting because these beings do not sit, they are in a circle, and are very clearly communicating about my soul and my life. They discuss in great detail the paths I have taken since the year 2000 following the year prior's choice to live.

1999-2000: I was given a clear message one day near the end of an unhappy marriage; actually the beginning of the end. For years I had tried to escape the marriage through various means and one day I was doing something relatively mundane, like reading the newspaper, and suddenly a vision of my then husband appeared before me. He was a couple of feet in front of me with his arm and hand outstretched toward me. The end of his hand was a group of large tentacles and to my amazement I was seeing and feeling these tentacles deeply embedded in my left chest, above my breast. I was very aware and could see that he was taking the energy from my body. I was also aware that I was fully allowing it. From behind my right ear I heard very distinctly that I have a choice to make. I could leave this scenario in one of two ways. One option was to develop breast cancer and transition out of this physical reality, and leave. The other was to leave the relationship and create a new life for myself. With this awareness, I knew somehow that I was going to leave, I just was not sure what choice I was going to make. For me it was clearly a choice of life or death. Death, at the time, seemed far easier than stepping out and creating a new life for awhile, and I found myself being seduced by the “easy” way out. It took about a year to finally make the choice to live, and I left. From that choice, my life and soul plan has been about resolving an immense amount of karma, both individual and familial, and quite possibly making a difference in the world karma by having made that choice to live and continue on a shift of soul path. For a couple of years after I left, I would have odd moments of realization and surprise that I was still alive, as I adjusted to that new reality.

Back to 2009: Recently, before this most recent dream with the Council of Twelve, I had been having a sense that the karma that that new soul path in 2000 set out to balance was complete, and that I was again coming upon another choice similar to the first one.

Great discussion in the dream amongst the Twelve Beings was made about the karma healed and the progress and path of my soul since 2000, and I realized that there was also discussion amongst these Twelve Beings about where I will be of best service, whether this physical body serves my greatest purpose at this juncture, or would I be of better service in another realm and dimension. Whilst I observed this conversation about my soul’s recent path and completion, my mind (which they were all fully aware of) was racing with all of my ego and third dimensional attachments, “Hey, I’ve just been accepted to pharmacy school, and started this great new clinic! And, what about my children and family and friends? I feel happy and want to live and observe this enormous transition on the planet! I haven’t yet experienced the beautiful and connecting relationship I’ve worked all of these years clearing the path for. Would you really just pluck me out, just like that?? Do I have any say in this??”

They “heard” me just fine as they could read everything about me, and I knew that some of that is being taken into account, however what I profoundly came to understand was that my soul’s path from this moment on Earth in this human form is about what I want it to be; pure manifestation. If it is determined that my soul will continue in this form for awhile longer, that as it does, my life is no longer about my personal or family karma, and is about putting into action my visions, my plans for service with all of the unique gifts I have brought with me. It was also profoundly clear that it is far more than my chattering mind’s decision as to whether I am to stay or not. Obviously before I incarnated in this form in this lifetime, I set forth a few goals, connections and junctures ahead of time as a soul embarking on this brief journey. So, of course, I can be plucked out at any given moment, and possibly more useful in a different plane, even IF I’m going to pharmacy school in August, or even IF I have three wonderful boys I want to watch grow and live and mature, even IF the remaining things I hold dear are gone in a moment, and even IF my closest and dearest friends and family would miss my presence and light. Why would my life be any different than anyone else’s? If I am not fully cognizant of the outline my soul and helpers created, how am I to know consciously that I am complete?

I did not hear an answer in that dream, but I did get a message that I have no need to “worry” about pharmacy school (I wasn’t consciously worried, but perhaps there is/was a subconscious worry), that I would have ample help from at least several of these Twelve Beings. I mentally asked “How” and then I was shown, and through knowing, a download of information, a remembering. They showed me this with great joy and laughter. It was pretty cool. I once had a dream many years ago that as I placed my hand on a book that all of the knowledge within that book became known to me, and this vision was a lot like that.

The dream stuck with me for a few days, and I knew I was to write about it, possibly for further clarity, but also to document these messages. On a personality level I was not too excited about the possibility that my human life might be over soon, and what does that mean for those around me, including logistics. I figure since I wasn’t zapped out right away that I am meant to stay for a bit. I was also profoundly struck with the message that I am here to love, love, love, in every moment, and to show love, express love, and essentially to love and it is through this love that all will manifest.

In one deep meditation in the months after this experience, I was aware that my soul was "negotiating" the kind of death I would experience. One where I'd have ample time to put my affairs in order, and to say my temporary goodbyes and relay as much of my understanding of the process as I could to those who were interested. I also had a sense of if I were to leave the physical realm, I'd have a few months left. It was clear the decision hadn't yet been made.

A few weeks after that meditation, I felt an indescribable shift, and somehow I knew that the decision had been made. I was to stay, yet again, for now, and more fully commit my life to service and to love. From that moment on, pretty much EVERYTHING in my life shifted. Suddenly Richard appeared, he is so obviously the right person for me, and we both knew it immediately. I moved, I sold my house and released so much of my stuff, my beautiful cats who assisted in my healing in those transitional years ended their lives, I got married, my children moved onto their endeavors, I began pharmacy school, and am successfully fulfilling that vision. It is pretty much a complete paradigm shift, like a fulfillment of the intentions and dreams I worked at for over a decade. Suddenly it was all there. I am still in awe to be here, and to be alive, and ever so grateful for this extended opportunity to live, love and serve.

2010/2011: Since then I have experienced a few specific death occurrences which are significant. One is my uncle’s passing from a brain tumor, and the other is a friend’s delivery of a stillborn child. My cousin sent an email soon after her dad passed that had two pictures attached. They were both of my uncle with his children approximately 1.5 weeks before he passed. Even though I had a little fear of what the pictures might show, I was elated to see all of the love in the people in the pictures and the grin of pure joy on my uncle’s face. He was swimming in a sea of love. I do not know how peaceful his passing was, however I can tell without a doubt that he was surrounded with and exuded the greatest love there is. I held that memory of his pure smile in my heart as I tended to my dear friend as she awaited the day she was to knowingly deliver her stillborn child. As I placed my hands on her beautiful round belly, I could feel no life within, only an emptiness, however I could hear the soul of this unborn nonviable child, and all it had to relay was pure joy and gratitude to my friend for this experience. There was definitely no sadness or anger on that little (big) soul’s part, solely gratitude and love for having shared this experience with my friend. I felt so honored to be part of that and to experience the message. On my human personality level I have felt grief and sorrow for my friend, and it was the first time I really ever wished I could do something for someone I knew I couldn’t do, so that I could spare her the pain and horror of it on a physical and emotional level.

Also, my cousin, Jenni, and my friend, Theresa recently passed on to the greater dimensions. I think of both of their lives and how they lived them ever so fully. They are both inspirations for me, to take the necessary risks to live life ever more fully. On a human level, I feel sadness that they are no longer visiting Earth to share their lights, but I know, without a doubt, that they are still in all of our hearts, as our angels and our inspirations for our own lives.

Thank you to the Council of Twelve, and my Higher Self for each day that I awaken!