Relationship Mind Games

Relationship mind games are played by innocent people who have very
little idea how they continually find themselves in such dramas.
Consciously, most of us vow never to participate in mind games...
especially if we've been through a bad relationship experience. Click
the image below to view a mini-course on the game of games! (All of the
other mind games listed here are a variation of this one game - the
Drama Triangle.)

An important distinction about relationship mind games needs to be made right up front: There is a type of game that is played in relationships that is NOT a relationship mind game at all -- It's a game consisting of angular transactions
called the "Con" game. The initiator of a Con game is fully conscious
of their game while their "patsy" is unaware -- until they get wise to
it or catch the Con red-handed. These are not the games we are concerned
with here... That's for another time and another page.

Relationship mind games are not always a bad thing...
For example, early in the courtship stage of a new relationship
"flirting" is a fun and satisfying game that does no harm. For some
couples in which both partners agree on the boundaries, flirting with
others at a party or social gathering is viewed as harmless and
acceptable to the partners, then, a mind game is not being played
because they are fully aware of it.

But -- to the party being flirted with -- it may be a relationship mind game called RAPO
if that person is not aware that there are boundaries and is being lead
to believe it could go further. Some couples even go further than
flirting with sex games, which is their choice as consenting adults --
but these are NOT relationship mind games because they are consciously
discussed and agreed upon by all parties.

Because true intimacy
is not always possible in every context (at work with your boss) and
with every person (the man on the street) the ability to participate in
mind games valid and necessary. Those who have few true intimacy skills
have no choice but to play relationship mind games...or be alone. In
these cases, learning the games we play so that we can choose harmless
ones and/or develop intimacy skills can do a world of good.

List of Relationship Mind Games

Key Point: In TA and in these pages we use labels to describe games and the roles that people play in these games... the labels are NOT for describing people. We are much more than the roles or the games we are programmed to play.

Also
keep in mind that the games are outlined in highly general terms.
Everyone is unique and so each plays their favored games in personalized
and varied ways.

Eric
Berne, originator of TA, preferred short phrases to describe games
rather than clinical terms. Below is our first example, it was the
second couples game identified in a long string of games.

"If It Weren't For You..." (IWFY)

In
a relationship mind game of IWFY a generally insecure or passive person
subconsciously chooses a domineering partner who restricts her/his
activities....usually the female partner is the one restricted.

Perhaps
the player selects a domineering partner because s/he does not like to
take risks and try new things, such as taking up photography or going
back to school... The domineering partner's controlling nature keeps the
player from getting into frightening situations -- perhaps for fear of
failure or fear if success -- it gives the player an "out" or a way to
"save face" and not have to take the risk.

By staying unaware of his or her part in the game, through the use of repression or suppression, the player's complaints of "If it weren't for you..."
keeps her partner feeling uneasy and gives the player various
advantages in the relationship -- i.e., a "card to play" in a
disagreement etc.

Possible Payoffs: Confirmation of existential position: "I'm okay, men/women are not okay"Elimination of having to confront personal fearsAllows
him/her to join in the Pastime of "If it weren't for her/him..." with
family and friends thereby structuring time and obtaining strokes

In a relationship mind game of NIGYSOB the player selects a partner who frequently plays "Kick Me"... The NIGYSOB player is Externaling contempt and hostility while the partner who plays "Kick Me" Internalizes it.

When
played by a couple, the game is usually triggered suddenly when -- for
various possible "reasons" -- the NIGYSOB player flips into a fit of
rage over a perceived slight made by the "Kick Me" player.

The
"Kick Me" player knows from frequent experience what the buttons are
that trigger the NIGYSOB player (usually jealousy and/or rage), yet
cannot seem to keep from pushing them... It genuinely seems to be an
"accident" to the "Kick Me" player because, like all games, it's a
relationship mind game played by the Child ego state at a subconscious
level.

For example, The NIGYSOB player is in one of "those moods",
there is silent anger and the air feels thick with tension... The "Kick
Me" player chooses the worst moment to ask a "harmless" question such
as, "What have I done now?"... to which the NIGYSOB player flies into a
30 minute rage about how "Everything always has to be all about you!! I
can't seem to do anything to your satisfaction!!"

Possible Payoffs (NIGYSOB): Confirmation of existential position: "I'm okay, men/women are not okay", "Men/women can't be trusted" Justification for inability to control rage and abusive behavior.Avoidance of personal issues causing the rage by focusing on the other personProjection of disowned aspects of self Habitual behavioral pattern to create intense stimulation -- negative strokes are familiar.

In
a mild form of the relationship mind game of SWYMD the player, feeling
unsociable, becomes engrossed in some activity which tends to insulate
him/her from people.

When a family member interrupts by coming
into the room or calling out to ask for something the player's startle
response causes the hammer to slip injuring a thumb, or they hit the
wrong button on their keyboard and lose their work, or they spill the
fuel they were transferring to another container.

The player responds to any one of the above by angrily crying out "See What You Made Me Do!!" -- Of course it's the player's own irritation that causes the slip or mistake.

When
this pattern happens only very occasionally it is not a game. But if it
tends to reoccur frequently then the player's family learns to leave
the player alone when they are engrossed.

In a more intense form
SWYMD can become a way of life rather than merely a protective
mechanism. The player may spend more and more time engrossed in work or
an activity rather than relating with her/his family.

Possible Payoffs:Confirmation of existential position: "I'm okay, others are not okay, not safe, not to be trusted, etc." "I am blameless"Avoidance of connectedness and the risks associated with intimacy"Justifiable" anger offers a good excuse for avoiding sexual relations.

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This is
almost always a marital relationship mind game in which the overt player
is usually, but not always, the wife...the Husband is usually a covert
player. The husband makes advances to his wife that are rejected under
the grounds that "all men are selfish -- all they ever want is sex and
are incapable of loving her for herself". He backs off for a time and is
again rejected on his next attempt.

Eventually the husband
resigns himself and makes no further advances. As time passes, and no
attempts are forthcoming, the wife begins to be provocative. She runs
around half dressed and "forgets" a clean towel when taking a shower so
asks him to bring one to her.

If she plays a severe form of the
game she may become flirtatious with other men in her husband's
presence. He eventually responds to these provocations and is again
repulsed -- a game of "Uproar" follows.

The husband redoubles
his efforts to resist what he perceives as a trap and does not respond
to her provocations. She eventually turns up the heat by beginning to
approach him with kisses. He resists until nature takes its course one
day whereby she cries -- "See what did I tell you! Men are selfish, all I
wanted affection, and all you are interested in is sex!"

The
husband has selected this person as his mate for a reason ... he is just
as afraid of sex as she is. This relationship mind game minimizes the
danger of overtaxing his disturbed potency, which he can now blame on
her.

This
relationship mind game is played by any two people trying to avoid
unwelcomed sexual arousal. In the marital pair it's the end phase of a
relationship mind game of Frigid Woman/Man. But the classical
game of "Uproar" is a three-handed game usually with a domineering
father, teenage daughter, and sexually disinterested/inhibited mother.

NOTE: In order for this to qualify as a game it's a frequent occurrence, not just an occasional incident...

Course
of the game: Father comes home from work and gets into a fight with his
daughter. He may have started the fight by criticizing her or she may
initiate the fight by being obnoxious or disrespectful...there's an
escalating exchange of angry words that ends with the slamming of a
bedroom door -- by either or both parties. Mother's role may be as
mediator or referee when she is present.

There is an adjustment
period between fathers and daughters when she hits puberty. Sexuality
becomes more of a factor. When there is an inhibition of sexual release
between mother and father this can pose a problem.

Sexual energy
runs very deep as it's part of the survival instinct. The sex drive
creates this energy and there must be a healthy outlet for things to
proceed well in families. Anger and slamming doors may become the only
way some fathers and daughters can live together. The slamming of the
bedroom door can subconsciously signify... "I have my bedroom you have
yours".

Many women have experienced a great deal of hurt and
confusion when they turned 12 or 13 years old because... "Something just
suddenly changed between us -- It was like he didn't want anything to
do with me anymore."

Fathers can be just as clueless about this
change due to the subconscious nature of the game. Many times they can
become controlling and jealous of their daughters dating and social life
and not know why. If these family dynamics are present it's a good idea
to get into marital counseling and deal with the issues that are
preventing healthy intimacy.

This
relationship mind game is played frequently when a couple first begins
marital counseling. The therapist must refuse to get pulled into this
game by redirecting the couple away from it or nothing will be resolved.

In counseling or not... if this game is in play, conflicts will
increase in frequency and intensity with only an occasional ceasefire.
Nothing will ever be resolved and matters will only get worse.

It would be helpful for you to read the Contemplation Stage of Change before proceeding here. Then come back and read the description of this game to get a full appreciation of it.

Courtroom
can be played by any number of people but is essentially a three-handed
game with a Prosecutor, a Defense Attorney, and a Judge. The couple
take turns prosecuting each other in front of a judge -- a therapist, or
a talk-show host (there's a jury in this case -- the audience), or
anyone else who is willing to preside over the case.

One partner
starts "sharing their feelings" by ripping their partner on a whole
litany of issues. When their partner does get a chance to squeeze in an
explanation the prosecutor ignores it and rips off another "count" of
the offenses on the list.

When it's time to let the other person
"share their feelings" they repeat the same pattern...on and on it goes.
Nothing ever gets resolved because the relationship mind game never
gets broken up. These exchanges can go on for so many years that the
couple forgets what the original issues were.

As outlined in the Contemplation Stage
of the Change Process, it is very important for each partner in the
relationship to be their own prosecutor, defense attorney, and judge.

Part of a good prosecution would be the fact gathering investigation
of interviewing witnesses -- in this case your partner. Finding out how
they feel, what they think, and what they have experienced is good data
for the judge to have. A good marital therapist is not a judge or
referee...s/he is more helpful if seen as a coach or mediator who helps
negotiate the rough spots. With this approach conflict resolution and
healing can occur.

Possible Payoffs: Confirmation of existential position: "I'm always wrong" expressed by the excessive need to be right -- Reaction Formation.Projection of guiltExcused from guiltAvoidance of the real issues -- lack of intimacy for whatever reasonSatisfies stimulus hunger and need for intensity. Acting out familiar cycles of Abandonment, Shame, and Contempt

Roles -- Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer

Ego States:
Conscious/Social = Adult (This is what s/he did to me...) to Adult
(This is what really happened...) Subconscious/Psychological = Child
(Pick me, take my side) to Parent (You're both right)

This information is not a substitute for professional evaluation and/or treatment. Reading the information contained here may trigger strong emotional reactions. If you have an emergency, call 911, other local emergency contact, your local emergency room, or law enforcement agency.