Just one day after winning the NL Central Division for
the first time in 15 years, Reds manager Dusty Baker set about doing
the many things managers do to prepare for postseason play —
determining a pitching rotation, deciding final roster spots and
clearing Bronson Arroyo's schedule of all Creed tribute shows. The
Enquirer today reported a late addition to Baker's To Do list: figuring
out what to do with the players who smoked victory cigars in the
clubhouse in clear violation of Ohio's smoking ban. Five people
reportedly called the state's complaint hotline to describe several
Reds on TV puffing away while dumping 24-ounce cans of beer on each
other's heads. One source close to the situation says at least one
complaint came from a nonsmoking Reds player who was too afraid to tell
Johnny Cueto to put his cigar out for fear of getting kicked in the
head.

THURSDAY SEPT. 30

Anyone who's ever flown from one coast to the other knows
that the first thing you need after spending five hours on an airplane
is a nice, stiff drink. (Layover in Charlotte? Go ahead and spring for
the $13 double.) NPR today reported that a group of Australian brewers
is working on a post-flight beverage for what would presumably be an
even worse flight: one into outer space. The main challenge to creating
a beverage that can get you wasted 200,000 miles from the Earth is the
fact that there's no carbonation in a zero-gravity environment. To
avoid such a buzzkill, brewers plan to make their space beer an
extra-strong porter. The new beer will be tested next month on a plane
flying in long parabolic arcs that can continue to simulate
weightlessness no matter how many people barf.

FRIDAY OCT. 1

There are times when Cincinnati Enquirer editors write
headlines that are purposely misleading — last week's “Nick Lachey and
girlfriend keep it really clean” was funny because the story was
actually about how often they take showers together and probably have
sex.

Cincinnati's only favorite daily
newspaper today busted out a similarly misleading hed: “Casino to pay
for streetcars,” which allowed for two responses: 1) Dang, what a great
idea!; and 2) Goddam Democrats stole my wallet! A simple
point-and-click, however, revealed that the story was actually about
how a fraction of the casino revenues will pay for only part of the
streetcar's operating costs and how Mark Mallory tricked Councilwoman
Laure Quinlivan into supporting it by promising funding for public
sculptures that are all going to be of him with his shirt off.

SATURDAY OCT. 2

There are certain professions in which employees know
they have very little bargaining power — if you were to swing by 811
Race Street during a weekday, for instance, it's highly unlikely you'd
see any journalists outside holding signs, just a handful appreciating
the fact that they can still afford cigarettes. The Enquirer reported
today that professionals in an industry even less attractive than the
liberal media today voted against unionizing their collection of
slaughterhouse workers in the West End, instead voting 38-9 to
represent themselves when it comes time to determine who chopped off
the cow's butt correctly and who needs more training before getting
bumped up to the pig face station.

SUNDAY OCT. 3

It's an established fact that we at WWE! have never been
sued, not even by the PBS spokesperson who in 2008 was mistakenly
quoted as saying, "How the fuck are we supposed to pay Big Bird?" (We
did have to run a retraction on that one.) That doesn't mean we take
the re-reporting of the details of a local slander lawsuit lightly,
especially when it involves an extremely litigious Republican who
shaves his head. The dispute allegedly involves controversial Web site
publisher Jim Schifrin possibly reporting false information about
lawyer/radio host Eric Deters potentially having a sexual relationship
with Nicole Howell, a woman he represented who was most certainly
acquitted of allegations that she had sex with a 16-year-old student
and is now truthfully employed as Deters' assistant. The reported
information in question is whether or not Deters gave Howell a “promise
ring,” which is extremely lame whether true or false.

MONDAY OCT. 4

Most people don't remember the dude from high school who
drove a Volkswagen. Why would you? He's probably right now sleeping in
someone's front yard adjacent to the site of his most recent driving
accident. The AP reported today that the new leader of the German
automaker will soon enter discussions with NASCAR about entering one of
its dangerous little cars into a race. The company is considering
teaming up with Roger Penske, whose No. 1 driver Kurt Busch said the
only thing he knows about VW is that his buddy rebuilt one back in '79
and it looked real dumb.

TUESDAY OCT. 5

Double-dipping is one of the grossest things any party
attendee can do, right up there with not washing your hands or puking
somewhere other than the bathroom. Hamilton County Auditor Dusty Rhodes
today continued his lengthy explanation of why he was recently caught
with a half-bitten retirement chip fully emerged in the county's
pension dip. Rhodes, a longtime critic of drawing both a paycheck and a
pension once public servants meet retirement age, explained that his
February filing of the necessary paperwork was only a formality and the
plan all along was to donate the entire pension to charity if
reelected. Rhodes said the only person who knew of the plan was his
wife, who actually wants him to lose the election so he can use the
pension on a trip to Mexico.