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Thursday, July 1, 2010

Broken Heart, Broken Dreams

This is not going to be an easy blog to read, for any of you, so if you want to leave now I completely understand.

Since this past weekend I feel like I have taken a few steps back. I thought I was doing pretty well in my grieving process and moving on pretty well. I was warned about these "dark times" that will pop up out of no where and rock you to the core by other Angel Baby Mommies, but I thought I would be immune, I thought that I would be ok. Well, this week I have not been. Every moment of every day I have been thinking of Rosie. I have been thinking of all the things I should be doing with her and all of the things Foster and I will not get to be a part of.

We will never get to see her smile for the first time and see the dimples I hope she got from her daddy and me. We will never get to see her take her first steps and soothe her when she cries after her first fall. We will never get to yell at Reagan when she steals the cookie out of Rosie's hand as she toddles across the kitchen floor with sippy cup in one hand and cookie in the other. We will never get to kiss her in front of her preschool classroom on her first day of school and pick her up after school and hear about all of her adventures. Foster will never get to help her learn how to ride her bike and teach her how to play soccer. We will never get to help her learn to drive a car. We will never get to watch her graduate high school, help her move into her dorm room for college, graduate college and get her first job. We will never get to see her go on her first date and console her first broken heart. Foster will never get to walk her down the isle and give her to the man of her dreams. I will never get to watch her and advise her as she carries new life inside of her. We will never get to meet the grandchildren she could have given us. i will never get to hear the words "I love you" from her mouth.

We had so many hopes and dreams for our little girl's future, and when we found out that our precious daughter had died, all of those dreams died with her.

I know it has been ten weeks. There are people out there who think that you should be "over it by now." All I can say is I will NEVER be over this. Every holiday, every vacation, every event will never feel the same again. There will always be something missing, and that something will be my first born. If I am blessed with more children the only way they will get to know their older sister is through what Foster and I tell them. They will never get to share a room with her, never get her hand me downs, never get to learn from her mistakes, and never get the chance to follow in her footsteps.

Yes, and I purposefully said "If I am blessed with more children." I know to all of you, it looks to be no problem to us being able to have healthy children, and this may very well be true, but in my mind, I have lost my only child. I have no clue if I will or even CAN have live children. I am envious of those Angel Mommies who have living children before their angel, because at least they know they can have children. I know I have one of the best Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctors in the state, but until I am holding a screaming child in my arms, there will always be a small part of me that wonders if that is even in my future.

I apologize if I have been distant. I have cut phone calls pretty short, if I answered them at all. I have made lame excuses for not wanting to do things with people this week. I am sorry, but I will make it up to you when I get out of this funk. I have also neglected my blog because all I can think to write about is these sad emotions, but that is when I realized I had to write them down, get them off my chest, because that is why I started this blog, was to welcome you all into my life. If I leave you out of these dark times, that is not fair to you and not honest of me.

I can't help but think of how cruel it is that when I should be walking my daughter in her stroller with Foster during our evening walks, I am instead walking our new puppy. We have a family photo for our church coming up on July 16th, and instead of me, Foster, Rosie and Reagan, it will be Rowdy sitting in my lap. I love my puppy, don't get me wrong, he has been a great source of smiles and if we had not lost Rosie, we would not have this amazing little guy, but I would have Rosie!

Thinking it would help give us a little hope, I made a phone call this week. After Mama JJ's passing, Foster and I were inspired by her generosity to look into fostering children. We have a big open home, the means, and the hearts and love to give to children who do not have the perfect family lives. I called the city for an information packet. They asked me all the basic questions, what we did for a living, where we lived, if we were married, if we had any children. Then she asked me a question I was not expecting, "Have you lost any children or had problems with fertility?" I answered the question honestly, because they do background and medical background checks, and I figured if I lied now, it would bite me in the butt later. I told her we lost our little girl in April. Her upbeat attitude did a complete one-eighty, and her tone got a little condescending. She told me that I had to take time to deal with my grief, and they would not even start the process with us for at least six months. I understand they have protocol, and that they are just making sure that we are able to emotionallyhandle having children in our house, but who the heck is she to tell me how long I need to grieve?!?!?! This ticked me off a little. I asked her when the next classes were, she said September. I asked her how long they took, she said 8 weeks. I said perfect! By the end of the classes we would be past our 6 month point. She said that even if we took the classes, there was no guarantee we would even be approved to foster because of our loss!!! How stupid is that?!?!? They will approve these people who beat and abuse foster kids and end up on the news, but because we lost a child, we may not even be approved. In my mind, we would be the perfect couple, because we would love these children so much because we appreciate the little life they are. I kept my cool on the phone, but when I got off, I started crying and shaking. I was mad, upset, devastated. It was as if we had had another loss all over again. Our hope was dashed, at least for the time being.

One of my friends is within weeks of giving birth to her baby girl, and another friend not too far behind. I found out this past week that another friend of mine just found out she was pregnant. Now, I am obviously very excited for these women but it saddens me too. Because once again I feel left behind. I feel like they are getting their perfect little families and Foster and I have our new reality instead. I can't help but feel a little jealousy towards these friends, and I HATE that I feel this way!

I had a little glimmer of hope this week. I was officially late on my period. Although I was realistically happy that the pee tests were coming back negative, because I have my MRI on Friday and I want my new doctor to have an arsenal full of knowledge to help with my next pregnancy, I could not help but be a little excited that maybe we would be expecting our little rainbow baby so soon. I asked a favor of one of the ER docs to order a blood draw so I could be absolutely positive I was not pregnant before my MRI since I still did not have my monthly visitor. He gladly did it, and when I called lab to get the results a half an hour later, I must say that I did have a little bit of disappointment flow through me when she said the HCG level was 0.0.

I know that we don't always get what we want when we want it and God always has a way of making things work the way they are supposed to, but I am just praying that His path for me has a little bit of happiness down it soon.

I am sorry to all of you who may still be reading this that it was a little on the sadder side. Please do not worry about me, because this is all part of the natural grieving process. Thank you all for your support and love, because without all of you, I have a feeling I would be in a lot darker of a place. Hopefully with a fun filled weekend in paradise (aka the farm), I will come back refreshed and happier. The farm and my family always have a way of making me feel better!

6 comments:

I think anyone who feels that 10 weeks is a suitable "recovery" period is ridiculous. My coworker and friend took her son's 18th birthday off of work as it was still hard for her, every birthday she didn't have to celebrate with him. Hers was a still birth loss as well. Her son's name is Garth and he'd be 18 now. Her son Garrett is the light of her and her husband's life but in no way did he replace what they lost with their first son. *hugs* Many prayers will be with you today Erin.

I started reading your blog when a friend from work who knows you told me about you when I was talking to her about my friend that lost her 5 month old baby girl from SIDS. Reading your blog and all of the happy and struggling times that you are going through has helped me to really reach out to my friend and support her but also understand what she is going through.I just wanted to tell you that you are such an inspiration to me and also to my friend. I know that you will have happiness, and joy with everything that comes your way,and you deserve every second of it!

O Sovereign Master, Lord our God, Who was born of the all-pure Theotokos and Ever-Virgin Mary, and as an infant was laid in a manger: do You Yourself, according to Your great mercy, have regard for this Your servant Erin who has lost that which was conceived in her. Heal her suffering, granting to her, O Loving Lord, health and strength of body and soul. Guard her with a shining Angel from every assault of sickness and weakness and all inward torment. You who accept the innocence of infancy in Your Kingdom, comfort the mind of Your servant and bring her peace. Amen.

O Lord who watches over children in the present life and in the world to come because of their simplicity and innocence of mind, abundantly satisfying them with a place in Abraham's bosom, bringing them to live in radiantly shining places where the spirits of the righteous dwell: receive in peace the soul of Your little servant Rosalynn Patricia, for You Yourself have said, "Let the little children come to Me, for such is the Kingdom of Heaven." Amen.

I think you're doing an AMAZING job at coping with the loss of Rosie. These "dark times" will come and go, but you're doing a great job at rolling with the punches. Don't ever hesitate to let people know how you're doing/feeling. Don't worry about whether or not it's easy for them to read/hear. True friends will be there with open arms when you need them, but they don't know until you voice it. :)

Your hopes and dreams of all the things you had planned on experiencing with Rosie...I feel you on ALL of it. I still think about those things with our first son, and now with our other two. My nephew was born a month after our son, Jake, was due and is now going into the 1st grade. I can't tell you all the things I've been thinking about since seeing him graduate kindergarten.

You're right about common events being forever changed. These babies of ours may not be here with us physically, but they will always be carried on in our thoughts and memories, and will be with us through each new experience that we face.

I'm glad that you guys have Rowdy to help bring some smiles and entertainment. I don't know what I'd do without our crazy basset. :)

Also, I'm appalled by the reaction you got from the foster care HR employee. Wow. Just wow. Right before we got pregnant with Liv, we looked into fostering to adopt, and never ONCE got any hesitation because of our history with loss. In fact, they thought it was great that we were looking into that outlet. If you do consider foster care, I hope and pray that you can be placed with another worker. I can't even imagine dealing with that at a time like this! Some people sure lack people skills!

I hope you guys have a blast at the farm! What a great way to get away and relax! :)

Yes, 10 weeks? That is still very, very fresh. I wasn't even back to work by then! There is no timeline on grief, especially this kind. The dark times like these are the hardest. Thinking of you and if you ever need to talk or vent, I'm here. :)

Rosie's Whole Birth Story All in One

The Basics

About two years ago I started writing a book, which from time to time I will probably post chapters from. I thought the most interesting part of my life had past. BOY WAS I WRONG! The story of how my husband and I met was an amazing, romantic, and almost too good to be true story, but as we two-step through life, we have endured more than one couple should ever have to in our first 3 years together. Each obstacle that we face, the closer we become to each other and to God. So if you want to join us and follow this conga line, I promise, you will not be disappointed. You may laugh, cry, but I promise you will at least be entertained.

About Me

I am a wife to the most handsome Army man around and a mother to the most beautiful angel baby Rosie who grew wings on April 20th 2010 and the most beautiful angel here on earth that I am blessed w/ Raising, Avaleen Rose. I am a Stay at home mom and a photographer after years of working in the Emergency Room and serving as a medic in the Army. To say my life is interesting is an understatement at times. I never do anything the "normal way".It is either all or nothing in my world. Please follow me as I take you through the life that has now become mine after the earth shattering day of April 20th. This blog will be funny at times,sad, but ALWAYS honest