How to Get Laid During Art Basel Week

You came for the art. But art can't scratch that itch. You can't spoon with art. And you definitely can't fuck art. But you know what you can screw around with? Hoity toity Basel, er, "beaver," and there will be plenty of it this week.

But these highly-literate, ego-driven creatures won't just go down on anyone. Er, correction: They will, but it takes a bit of finesse to actually make that happen. So here are a few pointers on how to wake up next to some chick that will probably go back to her boyfriend in New York on Sunday. Win-win situation.

1. Ze accents are zexy! In a city full of different accents,

picking out the right one is key. If you're Ramon from Hialeah, nobody is

going to believe you're Sven from Sweden. But if you have an accent, use it, or

make one up.

2. You are a non-conformist who is disgusted by the idea of art being sold in a high-end flea market. Taking a strong stance on anything, whether right or wrong, will at least help you strike up a conversation. Ideally, whoever you are trying to pick up will have an opposing view. Why? Angry sex is always the best sex.

3. Name-dropping works, sometimes. Read up on the Art Basel players (we don't mean playas) and make sure you slyly mention you know them even if you don't. For example:

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"I'm totally BFFs with Marc Spiegler. Yeah, I helped him once from drowning after he fell overboard his yacht. No big deal."

The technique is a double-edge sword, though. Too much name-dropping makes you sound like a total douche -- which you are, but they don't need to know that.

4. It's performance art. Who the hell understands what performance art is anyway? So invite her (or him, if that's what you fancy) back to your place and tell her that the sex you're about to have is part of an ongoing series of art performances you're doing. That will also explain the camera strategically placed in front of the bed.

5. You can always buy sex. Although prostitution is illegal in the state of Florida, it's been known to happen. Some, er, publications even have advertisements in their papers. Not that we know any by name. And word of advice: You get what you pay for. Picking one off the streets of Wynwood and Overtown isn't the same as calling a madam.

Jose D. Duran has been the associate web editor of Miami New Times since 2008. He's the strategist behind the publication's eyebrow-raising Facebook and Twitter feeds. He has also been reporting on Miami's cultural scene since 2006. He has a BS in journalism and will live in Miami as long as climate change permits.