Spoof news stories from Wednesday 18 August 2010

10. On twelve difference occasions, Louie Anderson and Loni Anderson got each other's bras in the mail and had to exchange them.
9. In the Great Smoky Mountains, those "Great Smoky Mountains Authentic Handmade Rocking Chairs" are simply called rocking chairs.
8. The past four presidents of the United States, Bush, Clinton, Bush & Obama have acted more like previous Vice Presidents!
7.

Desperate to win the crown many of this years top-bet beauty pageant contestants have gone topless. Photos of these contestants, nude, with nothing but body paint have appeared all over the Internet.
Pageant CEO Donny "Comb-over' Frump pouted:...

HOLLYWOOD - The vampire movie parody, The Vampires Suck has just opened and already it has jumped all the way up to #29 on the movie charts.
It has surpassed the movie based on Paris Hilton's self written autobiography, Look At My Ass - It's Hot,...

Crazy John McCain was mightily salivating at the thought of a nude Sarah Palin. He told reporters gathered in his hometown:
"She may say she's a Mama Grizzly but I picked her as my running mate because I thought she was a foxy vixen and I dreamed...

Good old Katie has completely morphed into the paragon of a doormat wife as decreed by Chapter and Verse of the Crazy-cult Marriage Manual.
Having failed with previous wives - the smart one and the confused one, little Mr. Mapother is now grinning...

The completely re-arranged Heidi Montag has been hysterically tweeting for a new plastic surgeon following the death of her celeb-surgeon Frank Ryan.
Heidi tweeted friends that "He was the most amazing person I have ever known. He was an angel."...

While most people watching their little kids watch "Mr Roger's Neighborhood" on television, knew that the kids were enjoying the show and Mr. Rogers, deep inside every husband and father watching was the thought, "What a wimp!"
The guy comes on th...

There's a new book out, "Angelina" that is supposed to be a biography of Angelina Jolie's troubled past, that has her shaken so badly that she may wind up once again in a mental institution, according to reports from several tabloids.
In "Angelina...

Gordon Gekko the symbol of corporate greed is back when the sequel to "Wall Street" hits theaters next month.
But the man who so realistically portrayed the human personification of greed is facing another challenge.
65-year old Michael Douglas...

Students wishing to study terrorism have been dealt a blow, as the Government announced that funding for the courses is to be cut.
A number of British universities and colleges offer a three-year degree in the subject, which includes a six-month f...

HOG JAW, ARKANSAS (ABSNN) -- Hog Jaw, Arkansas;, now the most talked about small town in the U.S., has closed its borders to "cans," namely "Africans, Mexicans, Jamaycans, Cubicans, Moslemcans, Presbytericans, and Unitaricans," says Phlem Lunger, Pr...

David Cameron is at odds with deputy Clegg over the latest proposal to cut child benefit support. In reality Cameron intends to cut the benefit completely, not only to save money but also to lower the unprecedented population explosion caused by unco...

On a miserable December afternoon in 1992, over 100 armed and bulletproof vest-wearing FDIC agents entered unannounced into the headquarters of Meritor/PSFS Savings Bank and the 29 branch offices of its Philadelphia Savings Fund Society ("PSFS"). By the end of that day, the oldest savings bank in America, which over five generations of hard-working Philadelphians had come to respect as a venerated...

Hollywood, CA - Attorney Mike Cox, representing Hollywood High School's glee club, filed a motion-to-compel with the 17th Judicial Circuit Court this morning. If granted, the motion will require Hollywood High School to supply deaf audiences at all D...

Meat from Tamagotchis bred during the late 90s and early 00s has gone into the UK food chain, officials said today.
The news came as evidence emerged that some Tamagotchi meat had also been exported to other countries from China and Japan, mainly...

UK Weatherman, Tomasz Schafernaker, (is he really from the UK?) made a fatal slip of the tongue whilst broadcasting today and accidentally called the Glastonbury Classic open air "shite" and that's only the weather.
After his comment Tomasz (is he...

LOS ANGELES - Dr. Laura Schlessinger, a radio advice show host and author of several self-help books, who certainly did not get her doctorate in race relations, racial sensitivity, or femininity has gone and put, or rather shoved her size 11 high hee...

Even as the New York Mets are having a disappointing season, there are groups that are have become bigger fans of the team.
Molly Irvane, founder of the group Masochists of Madison in Madison, Wisconsin, said, "No sports team better exemplifies wh...

Eric Cantona, the Kung Fu-kicking, French movie star who used to play football for Manchester United, is reported, this evening, to be seriously considering making a comeback to the game he has always said he loved - Pétanque.
Pétanque is a form o...

America is finally getting something right. Indict the bastards before they're elected and save the taxpayers some money. In the case of Democratic candidate, Alvin Greene from South Carolina, the taxpayers have been spared by not having to sit through a Senate Investigative Committee hearing to figure out if he should or should not be kicked out of office for breaking the law. Reason being, he ha...

Actor and wife-beater Mel Gibson today launched a sex aide designed for men who's partners fall asleep without giving them blow jobs. The "Patriot" is a synthetic mouth complete with moving tongue, into which the male can place his member when he get...

The Government has made use of scientific evidence that old people feel cold after the age of 66, although some put the figure nearer 75.
Dr Cameron's paper on the subject can be found in the British Medical Journal and provides much further infor...

The United Kingdom was slowly shutting down as the day progressed, with people citing 'can't be arsed' as a major factor, as the shut down gathered momentum around about tea time.
The first signs of a total shutdown emerged this morning as postmen...

Joe Cole, the Liverpool and England footballer who was sent off in his very first competitive game for the Reds against Arsenal at the weekend, has come a cropper for the second time in a week, when he was given a second red card - for speeding!
C...

Israel's top Army General announced that the military would be holding a Funny Photos Contest just for Palestinians. Entrants will submit outrageous pictures of themselves, which will be judged by a senior military panel. The winner will get a cruise...

HOLLYWOOD - One of the most beautiful models to ever grace the pages of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues, Brooklyn Decker, will be appearing with Zac Efron in Staccato Monteverdi's The Multiple Organists.
The film which is based on the novel...

Called to another Chicago work assignment in the Summer of 2002, a small group of experienced road warriors with a common love of live music, decided to take a break from the week and see what they could see on a hot Thursday evening.
The only question that really remained was "where to go". A few club names were offered up including "Buddy Guy's" and "Blue Chicago" downtown, but the scruffies...

Jane Girl Walnut, the daughter of John and Livie Walnut, has announced that she will share her cosmetics training and experience by setting up a make-up counter at the Bait Shop. Jane Girl, who was once in a play in Little Rock and got made up by pr...

Los Angeles - Laker playoff star Ron Artest was discovered wandering aimlessly ouside of his Beverly Hills mansion yesterday with a jar on his head.
Artest, who appeared confused and dangerous, appeared to have had the jar on his head for several...

France striker Nicolas Anelka is this evening reported to be "moderately dischuffed" at the 18-game ban handed to him by the French Football Federation (not surprisingly, the FFF) over his conduct at this summer's World Cup.
The Chelsea player, 31...

A shark has suffered emotional distress and a blunt force trauma to the spiracle after being attacked by a surfer off the coast of Australia, despite attempts from other marine life to stop the attack.
'I was just going about my business in my own...

American automobile manufacturers, being a bit of an anachronism in the current world market, still don't embrace the concept of applied technology for the betterment of, or demand by the human race. Case in point; the successful European launch of...

Giant woolly mammoths died out because they ran out of grass - not because they were hunted to extinction, according to scientists.
The dope smoking, gargantuan herbivores became so passive through being too huge for any other animal to mess with...

It has been discovered that a second, secret internet exists that is better and faster than the one we all use and has much better stuff on it, according to reports from an under cover reporter who has been living among the well to do folk.
Pop st...

Miss Eula Ramer is the best cook in Hog Jaw, Arkansas. Although she is known far and wide for her feather-light tea biscuits and hogshead jelly, Miss Eula has a deep, dark secret: she has a penchant for acquiring cool, innovative kitchen gadgets.
"The minute I seen the IceOrb I was gobsmacked," she said. "It was cute, funky, and I knew I absolutely had to have it now that the Iceman don't com...

According to ads on each of the top 5000 English-language websites, on banner, pop-up and sidebar ads, there is only one show worth watching this week:
The Big C.
(Wanna bet there's one at the top of this page, right now?)
And it seems like it'd be a wonderful romp; what with middle-aged but still kinda f'able Laura Linney lounging on a lawn, or a sandy beach, it must be a laugh-riot?...

The Queen has today sensationally announced that she's going on strike.
The announcement comes after long talks between her Union the RSPCR (Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Royals) and the Government.
Standing outside Buckingham...

Don't go on vacation if you are serious about being a writer belonging to The Spoof...or even loosely connected therewith, forthwith or even forsooth.
There are many reasons for not going on vacation, unless you are able to take along your laptop computer and your 'undying' enthusiasm to be somewhat creative in a literacy capacity whilst being surrounded by folk who mock you and ridicule your e...

The Thirty Years War was a horrific series of conflicts but it has always seemed remote to the inhabitants of these islands - the last major survey in English was by CV Wedgwood 70 years ago.
Ken Lucid considers this important new contribution…
"First, I have to say sorry this review is late (published late last year - ed.)… but wow! This is one BIG book! It's got 851 pages - and that's not...

TV bosses are seeking urgent talks with the makers of the hit US TV series CSI:Miami in a desperate bid to get ratings back up to their previous high.
The show, which airs in the UK on Tuesdays, and again on Thursday, then the previous Monday and...

Nicolas Aneilka et Patrick Evra have both been banned from playing for the French national team and immediately applied to become Brits, qui, qui!
Both earn their hard earned millions in England and now have but one desire, to play for Capello (a...

There were scenes of panic across London yesterday after a disc jockey working for the city's Capital Radio accidentally played "Slade's Merry Christmas Everybody" 4 months early.
Motorists on their way to work, thinking it was already the Christm...

Tickets for a planned fist fight at a secret location between BBC news anchor Simon McCoy and weatherman Tomasz Schafernaker are selling like hot cakes.
The fight was announced last night after Schafernaker's on-screen gaffe - literally tens of vi...

As I celebrate my 100th News Story with the Spoof I find myself in the company of the Coalition Government.
They say they have 'hit the ground running' but several ministers. such as Porky Pickles and lumbering Ken Clarke are finding it hard to ke...

Six-year old Timmy Bradbury was vacationing with his family in Panama City Beach, Florida when he struck oil while digging in the sand with is little shovel and bucket. All of a sudden, oil started oozing to the top of the sand and a mini-gusher emer...

Dr. Laura Schlessinger, a non-psychologist whose doctorate is in basket-weaving, will attempt to fool the world into believing she knows a damned thing about the human condition no longer: She plans to give up her radio show when her contract is up a...

To keep everyone in the loop on who's who and what's what in Hog Jaw, Arkansas, here is a list of the characters so far that have come to life on the Spoof pages. If any have been left out, I apologize. E-mail me and I will update the list as needed.
Upcoming Events
Hog Jaw Festival Days
Election Day sometime in September
Places Near Hog Jaw, Arkansas
Leaky Cock County
Drippy Dick Spri...

The President has had a massive attack of the shits over the last two days, and the White House said that it is not easing up. Senator Smith from Texas, believes that Obama contracted some kind of virus from his recent meeting with Dictator Hugo Chav...

HOG JAW, Arkansas - Hog Jaw Deputy Sheriff Skippy Appleweather, 27, said that he's as happy as a puppy with three peckers.
Money was finally allocated to purchase a professional patrol car siren. Skippy said that it was getting downright embarras...

La Douche, LA--Retired Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen, the federal government's point man in the Gulf, said Monday that attempts to permanently seal the Deepwater Horizon well won't start until the latest potential problem is evaluated. Allen said en...

Hog Jaw AR: Mayor Titus received a letter today from Secretary of Defense Robert Gates informing the town that the US Armed Forces will no longer be purchasing Buggy Whips and Button Hooks for the troops.
The mayor called the city council into eme...

Armpit NV: The Tea Party Gang led by "Palin the Rogue" rode into town looking for trouble. She was packing a pair of 45s, guns that is, and the gang was spoiling for a fight!
Sherriff Obama's Deputy "Sneaky Harry Reid" met the gang in front of...

Hog Jaw AK - Ultimate fightin took hold here last night at the ag barn with over 1,500 people crowd'n the place to see a husband and wife match-up in the heavyweight division.
Chicken ranchers Hally and Irene Bone from the north side say they've b...