Documenting all my achievements while Lenny is off on deployment

I really hate writers block. I’ve been avoiding writing, which is odd because it’s such a release for me, but every time I try to nothing happens. So I’m taking advice from an old teacher to just do it anyway.

My big focus right now: weight loss. Well, that and work. I’m currently in busy season at my job and I’ve been working around the clock. Normally I’d be complaining, but I truly love what I’m doing right now and it’s been all my choice to put in the hours that I am. I just really want to do well – to be the kind of recruiter that actually connects with the candidates. I want to be honest in my feedback to people and I want to be transparent throughout the entire process. It’s been a challenge being a first-time recruiter for such a huge company, but I feel like this job is meant for me in a way.

So then there’s the weight loss. I have quite a bit to get rid of. My first goal is to lose 40 pounds, then see where I’m at once I reach that point. If I’m happy before that point, I’d also be happy to stop. The next step after the loss will be to really focus on toning and cutting.

I joined Lifetime Athletic last week which is essentially a club – it’s also expensive as hell. But it being expensive has actually motivated me to show up to work out every day because I don’t want my money to go to waste. It’s time for me to fully invest in myself! My new routine has been: work, dinner, gym, bed. I love going to the gym later in the evening because not a lot of people are there. I’m still extremely self conscious when I work out in front of people, so it’s something I’m working to overcome by being comfortable there first.

I downloaded this app to get some guidance on work outs and food. I’m actually really excited about the meal plan that I got because it’s going to force me out of my comfort zone to try new things. And to actually cook! I love cooking and baking, so I can’t wait to get back into it. I’ve felt very lazy recently, which has been a product of some other personal issues, so this may help to pull me out of my rut.

It’s honestly been a tough month. I’ve just felt very lonely. I think it’s been a combination of all the changes that have been happening in my life, mixed with also trying to save money (unsuccessfully), lose weight, and taking care of the house by myself. It’ll probably get easier once work slows down – at least that’s what I’m really hoping.

I did finish up my travels this fall for work. I ended up visiting quite a few schools! Arizona State, Michigan State, Penn State, Cornell, Ithaca, University of Southern Mississippi, and UNLV (my alma mater). My favorite part about being on campus is meeting all these wonderful students who are just so excited to start their careers. I remember that feeling and want someone to experience a special recruiting experience just like I did. I almost miss it, in a way. It was exciting and exhausting all at once, but getting that call with my first official job offer literally made me cry. It felt like I could finally be an adult.

On a side note, I’m very excited for Christmas. I can’t wait to decorate. I’m also beyond stoked for Thanksgiving because I get to go home and see my family. I’ve really missed them.

I don’t feel very inspired like I usually do to write – so I’m making a promise to myself to try again tomorrow.

Short list: I left the accounting industry, I started a new job, I attended two weddings (and was a bridesmaid for the first time), got to see my family, AND I saw Lenny for the first time in almost two months.

Today is actually one of those days that I want to write to remember how good I feel instead of writing to try and feel better. Just in the last couple weeks I feel as though my life has done a complete 180.

So, the big change for me: I left my job in audit, and accounting all together. I think anyone who has known me through college knew it wasn’t exactly my cup of tea, which is funny because I did end up majoring in it. I’ve had so many people reach out after seeing my job update to say, “But… you majored in accounting. What about your degree?” My degree is a Bachelor of Science in Business Administration with a focus on accounting. The reason I picked accounting is because it was the most technical and I felt it was one of the best ways to not just understand the entire business cycle but to also feel comfortable around the financials in the business. I was always hoping to use accounting to do something else in the future that I enjoyed more but considered it to be a good foundation to understand business overall 🙂 If people are really interested I can go into further detail about my experience as an auditor in public accounting, but most people just assume the usual myths that 1. I’m good at math, 2. I can do their taxes, and 3. It meant I was boring. Haha! All not true. So, where am I going now?

I started my new job as a recruiter a week ago. I am now a “college recruiter”, which basically means my main focus will be recruiting students who are either about to graduate or who are still in college, for various positions in either internships, leadership programs, or direct placements. What else does it mean? Lots of travel to various campuses. My first trip is next week!

Since my new job has started, everything feels different. I feel like a whole new person. I’m excited to wake up in the mornings. My days are going by so quickly. I love my coworkers and how welcoming every single person has been. Since my work life has improved, my mental state and home life have, too. I’m more motivated to do things: I’m working out every day, I’m eating healthier, and for the first time I actually feel as though I can relax when I get home. I didn’t realize how something as “small” as getting a new job (well, career) could make the biggest difference.

The crazy part is that it has changed other things in my life, too: I feel more confident, and more like myself. Which has impacted my relationships as well – with Lenny, friends, family. I just feel like things are overall better. I’m very happy right now. I know it has only been a week but it’s all so different.

Last weekend I got to see Lenny for the first time in almost two months, and it was a whirlwind of emotions. We haven’t really been able to communicate a whole lot while he’s been gone, which has been really tough when you’re attempting to maintain a long distance relationship. Getting to see each other and actually sit and talk helped tremendously, more so because we know what to expect during the deployment now, and we know what goals we have. I am beyond excited for our future together and I am so proud of him. Not only is he getting ready to go overseas but he’s spending his free time studying master-level courses. He’s unbelievable (Lenny, I love you).

There’s more to say – much more, actually, but this is the latest I’ve stayed up in awhile and it’s time to attempt to get some sleep after this long, 3-day weekend 😉 I hope everyone was safe over Labor Day.

I’ve been in quite the funk, if it isn’t too obvious. I’m trying to find the slivers of motivation to work out, to finish cleaning my house, to organize my pantry, replace my comforter, and to finally… buy a printer. Instead I’ve been drowning myself in Law and Order: SVU episodes and spending my time in the same spot on my [rather large] sectional, eating sunflower seeds and telling myself that I’ll start on my life tomorrow.

I saw a trailer for The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society earlier this summer, and I have since been awaiting the arrival on Netflix. I knew it was coming out in August, but for some reason I got it in my head that it wasn’t being released until much later in the month. To my surprise, I clicked through Netflix tonight and came across the movie – the first one waiting for me in the “New Releases” section.

First off, I believe Lily James might just be the most heavenly person on the Earth. I think she has done a fantastic job in her films, and I especially loved her in Cinderella. I’m still kicking myself for being in London and missing her role in Romeo and Juliet. Second, I love anything to do with London – I’ve always been rather drawn to it, especially since I got to spend a summer there in college. And third, I adore a great love story. I got just a few minutes into it and sent a text to Lenny saying:

I’ve been watching a love story movie that I’ve been waiting to see. Probably a terrible idea. Makes me miss you.

To be completely open, I’ve been a bit of an emotional mess lately. Someone said to me the other day, “I don’t know how you do it.” They were referring to my relationship with Lenny. I’m not sure if I come across as that strong of a person who is able to take on anything, but if so, I must be a pretty good actress. It’s been taxing. I go to sleep in a bed that’s too large for one person. I find myself at the grocery store still trying to shop for the treats or meals that Lenny enjoys, and instead of stopping myself from getting them, I make the purchase anyway and have it for myself, pretending a piece of him is at home. He used to be my alarm clock in the morning: that crazy man would get up at 4am and come wake me up when it was time for me to get ready for my day. Now I get to wake up to Britney Spears singing “Work Bitch”, and I don’t even get to enjoy the morning cuddles. It’s just an empty pillow next door.

Having a significant other on a deployment has a million different challenges: those bad days at work that used to be a phone call away from getting better have turned into a bottled message, sealed shut and buried deep. My emotions have sky rocketed: I went to a cycle class on Saturday with my friend Katelyn, and the instructor played a song that had a lyric that said, “Everything will be alright”, or something along those lines. She told us to bow our heads, and close our eyes… and I never thought I would have any sort of emotional undoing with a seat wedged into my pelvis, but thank god I was sweating so much that my tears could blend it with my face. And the worst part is, I can’t tell this to my person: he’s not too far away currently, but he’s mostly unreachable. And when we finally do get to talk, I’m trying to remain positive and supportive, something I find myself needing to work on. Which is why I’ve turned to writing. I’m hoping that by expressing myself and releasing all these emotions, I’ll be able to bring joy into the other aspects of my life.

So, tonight I watched a movie I’ve been longing to see, and I wasn’t disappointed. I cried a lot, which is the normal for me – movies have that effect on me. But I also felt a tinge of inspiration, following the floodgates of emotion. There’s a variety of characters in the film that made me want to write more, express myself further, and to be a positive change in the world. It almost reminds me of Hamilton:

Legacy? What is a legacy? It’s planting seeds in a garden you never get to see.

I don’t believe the goal of leaving behind a legacy is so awful, because a garden is a place many others can enjoy. But I’m not looking to fully dedicate my life to leaving behind something, so much so that everything I love gets left in the rear view: I just mean that I want to leave joy in the places that I go, and practice being compassionate, loving, understanding, and helpful. I get these moments of being annoyed or frustrated, and I take them out on others so easily. I look back on those moments so soon after and begin to hate myself for such a relapse. I spend so much time on negative energy that I feel as though I’ve turned into a person without hope. But instead I want to try and focus on the positive things, and rally the different parts of myself to find the courage to both try and to fail.

I realized I’ve barely written about the movie. But I think if you want to watch something that will warm your soul, I highly recommend it.

What do you know, it’s 12:30am and I’m still awake – but hey, what’s new? Time to add a new goal to my list: stop going to bed after midnight.

It’s a little thing, but it was kind of neat: I’ve been on Reddit for about three years now. The other day I discovered the Parks and Rec sub – basically a page dedicated to fans of the TV show – and I posted a photo of me with my graduation cap! My grad cap was Parks and Rec/accounting themed, and not a lot of people understood it, so I was pretty excited that maybe a few people might understand it online. I was wrong. A LOT of people did:

For those that don’t watch Parks and Rec, Ben (who is pictured on my cap) is an accountant in the show. He has a lot of cheesy accounting puns. Here’s a video of the different jokes he makes:

I put the calculator joke on my cap to say “goodbye”, and also glued the calculator we had to use in *literally* all my accounting courses in college! (hint: the literally quote is also from Parks & Rec hehe).

Anyway, I posted this at night, right before bed. No one had commented or liked it at that point. I woke up in the morning to my notifications going off like crazy – not just from Reddit but friends from high school/college all sending me screenshots of my post! I thought it was pretty cool, but also a little surreal seeing my actual face on the front of one of my favorite websites.

There were some downsides, however: I got some disturbing messages, this one being the most uncomfortable one:

I guess I should have expected some vulgar messages since I was online, but I didn’t expect to hear something so evil from someone I don’t know. He saw my post history on Reddit, which is why he knew I have a significant other on deployment (I asked the Marine sub some ideas on how to support Lenny while he’s away). There were some other weird comments on my post: asking what is wrong with my face, or just some really cheesy accounting puns that didn’t make a whole lot of sense, and even some comments about how people just were “upvoting” my photo because a girl is in it, not because I had good content.

Despite some of the negativity, I thought it was a really cool experience and it got me talking to some people from high school that I haven’t heard from in ages. I tried to not take any of it too seriously – it’s sometimes hard not to though when people are making remarks about what you look like.

I haven’t been myself in quite some time. I felt like I forgot who I am, what I enjoy doing, and what actually makes me happy. It was as though I was watching a stranger live through my daily routines, but not having an opinion on her choices.

I used to write quite a lot. So much so that I kept journals by my bed, in my purse, in my car, just in case I had an idea. I would keep Word open on my computer so I wouldn’t lose the thought while opening it up. I would gift my friends a story for their birthdays, and I would write anonymously online whenever I had the chance.

And that brings me to today. I’ve decided to redo the theme for my blog, at least for the next year, to “While You’ve Been Gone”. My boyfriend Lenny is in the Marine reserves, and was just recently activated earlier this summer in order to be sent on a deployment. I haven’t seen him since the Fourth of July, as he is currently at training. I don’t know when I will get to see him next, but when I do, it will be for a short time. Later this year, in the fall, he will go overseas and be on a deployment for about seven months. I decided to dedicate the time he is away to fully focusing on myself: I want to almost reinvent who I am. Except instead of reinventing, I want to rediscover and really take ownership of my wants and needs.

I’ve been making up so many excuses to not work out, to not write, to not see my friends, to not clean, or try new things for a fear of failing. I need to start taking responsibility and start taking action instead. So this blog is dedicated to myself, and for making note of all my activities, fears, accomplishments – everything – while Lenny is gone. I’m hoping that through this experience I will learn about what really makes me happy, what I wouldn’t mind avoiding, and what I want to make sure I keep doing even after Lenny returns.

Lenny is the kind of person that would never hold me back: not from anything. But with him being gone I figured it was the perfect opportunity to fully immerse myself in me. So, step one: I’m going to start writing again.

The biggest thing I want to work on for this next year is not letting the fear of failure hold me back anymore. I want to find happiness in my daily routine. I also want to take chances on everything. I still vividly remember a teacher of mine from college telling me to submit my screenplay to festivals. I ignored him, thinking he was just being nice. I didn’t believe it was something I could accomplish. That same professor also recommended that I try out to be a director for a play on campus. Again, I made up an excuse to miss the audition, all because I didn’t believe I was good enough in the first place. These two decisions loom in a deep regret that I carry with me daily. I don’t want to feel that anymore.

So here’s to writing again. To working out, to eating balanced. To trying new things, and letting go of the ones who hurt me. To seeing movies alone, and not saying no to adventures. I’m ready to be me again – it’s been awhile.