I thought I’d see what you guys think of my situation, because my head is a bit clouded and I might be over reacting. Sorry this is so long.

My fiance and I originally wanted to have a May/June wedding, but were told by my MIL that those months are out of the question, because her two sisters will be travelling at that time. So we pushed the date to 25 July which we currently have a tentative hold on with the wedding venue. Last week, when I told MIL the date, she made a face and when I asked what was wrong she asked if we could push the wedding FURTHER into August, because her brother will be travelling in July and he doesn’t have a return date, but he ‘might’ be back by August!!! At the moment the venue doesn’t have anything available in August, so I’m in a pickle here, but I think I’m just going to keep the date as is.

You can imagine how annoyed I am at this stage, however, there is more!

Fast forward to the weekend just passed – FI and I found an awesome venue for our engagement party and literally the only date that WE and THE VENUE could do the party on is 23 August (note: we got engaged back in May). September/October/November are out of the question for me because I either have an event on every week or my Dad won’t be in country at the time. We have booked the place but haven’t sent any invites yet.

Last night, my BIL and his wife told us they had a wedding to go to on the day we booked the engagement party, so we HAVE to change it. My BIL’s wife (aka my SIL) will not compromise and go to both the wedding and the engagement, which I think is ridiculous. The wedding they are attending is her cousin, (who has been married once before – so has her FI), and they are just having a semi-formal reception at a tavern. So to me, it doesn’t seem like a big deal to leave the reception at 8 or 9pm, to come to our engagement party. I totally understand she doesn’t want to have to miss out on the whole wedding, but sometimes these things happen, and you just have to make it work!

I actually don’t even want to have an engagement party, I am only having one because FI and his family want one and FI and I are paying for the party which is going to be $5-6,000!!

There are various factors which are effecting our ability to choose another date other than 23 August – trust me I have TRIED to figure out how we can do this so everyone is happy. But in saying that no-body wants to compromise with me – they are saying it is just absolutely impossible for my BIL & SIL to do both events in one night.

I basically said to everybody that I would rather not have a party at all, if we have to drag out the engagement party until the end of the year. Like come on, we would have been engaged for 8-9 months by then. It seems pointless to me! I have compromised so much with the wedding date and now this. My FI keeps chopping and changing his perspective because he’s torn in the middle. But he is basically not supporting my arguments at all now.

Of course, I am coming off looking like the bad guy, even though I have been polite and respectable about the whole thing. Am I being unreasonable to expect my BIL & SIL to leave the cousin’s wedding early? I wouldn’t even take offence if they chose not to come to the engagement party because to me it is just a party and nothing spectacular is going to happen there.

I’m just so exhausted trying to book the wedding and engagement on a date that suits everyone, because I know that there are always going to be people who can’t come. I just feel that if the important people know they have to be there, then they can make it happen no matter what!!

In addition – We also had to give up our dream of doing a big Europe trip for our honeymoon, because of the changed wedding date and the timing just isn’t right anymore. Enough is enough!

Keep the July 25 wedding date. You simply cannot plan your wedding around everyone else’s schedule. It is impossible. If FI’s uncle knows when your wedding is, he can plan his travel around that date. He has a year’s notice.

An engagement party is not a necessity. Either keep the August 23 date or consider not having one.

I agree with your SIL that she shouldn’t leave a wedding early for your engagement party: a wedding trumps an engagement party, and being a 2nd wedding doesn’t make it any less important. But, I don’t think you should move the party for it if no other dates work. Just have it on August 23rd without them.

Oh wait… YOU guys are expected to drop $5k to pay for a party you don’t want? Better not to have one. If I was in your situation, I’d tell my fiance that if HE wants an engagement party so badly then HE can organise it and deal with his family. I’d tell him, “You organise the engagement party – just tell me the date and I’ll be there – I’ll organise the wedding”.

As for the wedding – who cares if not every aunt and uncle can’t come. Have it when it works for you. Is your FMIL paying? If no, then she gets no say.

MsPups: One of my brothers and FI’s sister could not make it to our engagement party due to other plans. We were disappointed, but in the end it’s not really a big deal. We didn’t want an engagement party either! But my grandma insisted on throwing us one.

So, I would say to not change the date for the wedding OR the engagement party. Like PP said, it’s impossible to plan a day around everyone’s schedule. Unless your FI’s family is paying for the wedding (since you said they’re not paying for the engagement party), I would tell your FMIL “we’ve tried to be as accommadating as possible, unfortunately this is the only date that works for the venue and for us.”

MsPups: 5-6 K on a party you don’t want? Uhm, no way. I think you should be firm with the future in laws about that. If people want to celebrate, have a couple informal backyard BBQs that different people can attend to come congratulate you if they want to. If you do go with the formal party, I don’t think you should expect someone to miss a wedding reception for it.

I also agree with PP, book the date you want. You can’t keep changing the date you want for everyone.

MsPups: Keep the wedding date as is (your FI’s uncle has a year to sort out his travel dates around the wedding if he wants too. I’m sure nothing is set in stone yet because flights would not even released yet for a year out.) but as for the engagement party I would just ditch it. 5-6k when you don’t even really want to have one and it’s causing drama is not worth it. DH and I didn’t have one and we didn’t miss it. Put that money towards a kick-ass honeymoon or your wedding. As for your SIL no she should not be expected to leave a wedding early – particularly as they had first notice of the wedding. Our wedding was DH’s second – should guests have felt justified in leaving early to attend some other shindig because of that? Rude.

Same goes for the engagement party. Yes, it’s unreasonable to expect BIL & SIL to leave another wedding early to attend your party. It’s not crucial that they be there. If they aren’t able to make the party on August 23rd, tell them you’ll miss them at the engagement party and that’s it. It shouldn’t be a big deal that some people can’t make either event.

Keeping both dates. If BIL and SIL can’t be there, so be it. Yes a wedding (even a second marriage) trumps an engagement party. I went through a similar issue in choosing my wedding date – lesson learned, the more you try to please everyone, the more drama there is. Don’t ask for input, just book it.

I suggest you stick with the July wedding date. Also suggest you nix the engagement party. You will have been engaged a long time by then, it’s not really a new thing, and I also don’t really get the point of engagement parties…it just seems like one more expensive event that people have to attend.

As far as the engagement party, keep the August date or just tell your FI no. Having an engagement party at the end of the year when your wedding would be 6 months later is not only a waste of money but a big stress on you with all the planning!