I write on a matter of some national importance.

I write on a matter of some national importance. Definitely national and possibly of international importance. Itís about a discovery, you see, but I donít really like to talk about it. Because itís embarrassing.

Itís a bit like a friend of ours who used to make toilet seats. We called him the dunny man. He couldnít talk about his work either, or at least I suppose he couldnít.

This discovery is abit like that. Itís a bit seedy and I wouldnít want you to think I was seedy all the time. But there is a time when you must put all inhibitions aside and speak in the name of science.

Actually it is my wife Gerryís discovery. Itís to do with that puppy I got to replace Lucky. The first thing I did when we got him was to get out a few books. After all, itís a while since we had babies in the house.

Marvelous what books you can get nowadays. Things have really changed in the puppy department since I last looked. You can now get a book to just about say anything.

I got three. One said to treat the dog like your kids, the second said to treat him like your mother-in-law and the third said to treat him like your wife.

In some ways I was quite fortunate. You see Gerry was away the first week we had him. Visiting her mother. Checking up on how to treat the dog, I think. So I had a clear field.

Bring him up a manís way, I thought. To be fair it didnít go to badly except for one thing. He peed everywhere.

I looked up the books under P. Two books didnít even mention it.

Of course, they were fairly modern books and, in line with modern thinking, they didnít really mention anything very much.

I think they sort of said that providing you approach the problem with informed thinking, accountability and appropriate sensitivity to the disadvantaged status of the individualÖ at the end of the day, the model would show that you would have a problem that could not be solved with further study and consultation.

I tried that, but the dog didnít seem to understand.

The third book did seem to give some useful advice. It said to put some newspaper down and when the puppy peed on them, shift them towards the door and then outside. But they didnít say how to get him to pee on the paper in the first place.

In my case, the dog peed everywhere but on the newspaper.

By the end of the week, I had nearly the whole floor covered in newspaper, but if there was the slightest gap between them, thatís where he would go.

Maybe I didnít use the right newspapers. We donít get the Sunday papers out here. Anyway, the place was in a mess and I was getting nervous about it all.

Two days before Gerry was due to come back, I started to clean up, first of all, the paper went into the fire, which was quite a job because, as well as peeing on them, the dog had chewed them up into little pieces. Then I got out the vacuum Ė and after all that, I thought the floor didnít look too bad.

But it didnít work. Two seconds after Gerry walked in the door, I got ďI see you havenít got that dog house trained yet. What you have to do is take him out every couple of hours and wait for him to go and then heíll get the idea.Ē

And thatís what led to this great discovery. I was standing around outside in the dark watching the dog do everything but pee. My wife was keeping an eye on us out of the window, to make sure we didnít fake it and come inside too soon.

I thought well, since Iím here I might as well have one myself. And so I did. And guess what? So did the dog. Just coincidence I thought, to the sound of some quite uncalled for sarcastic clapping from indoors.

Two hours later Gerry says ďWorth another try. Outside and pee.Ē And before the twinkle had time to tinkle, away we went again. And again and again.

And now my life is a misery. The good part is that we havenít had a pee inside for days. Either of us, that is. Every two hours finds me out on the lawn in my boots doing my thing. At five in the morning, I get a nudge and the command ďAway you goĒ and away we go.

Instead of a rum and coke in the evening, Iím now given a liter of water and I have to finish it before I can have dinner Ė or breakfast or lunch. Iím a nervous wreck. The other day I was talking to some guests when the dog went without me and before I could stop myself I popped out in sympathy. Took some explaining, I can tell you.

My wifeís quite chuffed with this success and says that this ďTraining by demonstrationĒ will revolutionize dog education throughout the world. Says it should apply to other aspects of dog doings. She reckons sheís going to write a book about it.

Already I have to sit when she says sit, I have to go behind when she says heel, and I have to beg for my dinner.. but then I already did that. Sheís even made a special basket for me to sleep in and Iím just dreading the time when we get onto sheepwork.

Personally, I think the whole thingís gone to her head. I thought that when I had to give a demo to some visitors the other day. Do you know how hard it is to pee when half a dozen people are watching?

There are other disadvantages too. For instance, those with prostate problems might as well forget it, and you have to be mad enough to have a puppy in the first place. Quite frankly Iím cheesed off with the whole idea and my wifes smugness, but I have plans to get my own back.

In about six months, itíll be time for puppyís ďBirds and BeesĒ talk or, should I say, demonstration. Iíll be needing some help. Just you wait and see.. sheíll be laughing on the other side of her face then.

At least you're in the southern hemisphere and it's relatively warm for you down there right now. Just wait until it gets cold. Look at it this way, when little kiwi arrives, your wife may be too busy to keep up with this training regimen.