Saturday, 7 March 2015

I haven't written on here for a while. Which, I suppose, doesn't really matter. I have nothing incredible or profound to say, or anything of merit that would justify the value in this - or my many other - online journals. I just needed to write again - about myself, about the paths I have taken and have been trying to take for many years, and the person I want to become.

I've been struggling, for so long, to take control of my life in relation to my weight. My body has been an incredible desert of growth and fear for me and I find myself, only now, beginning to understand why. I never speak about it. I have never opened that door. And the reason, I think, is because I know how much uncertainty and shame still exists there. It's the one part of me that has challenged me the absolute most, and, in so many ways, has forced my resilience. I've just battled with it for so long that it feels like I've never truly loved myself. And I'm afraid to share that with people; I'm afraid they won't understand why it's been so hard for me. It seems vapid, but it's my life. And it's always embarrassing, but it's my fucking life. I look in the mirror, and despite years of professional accomplishment, creative ambition, amazing friends, life-changing experiences - and a future I have worked relentlessly to slowly construct - I am still as uncomfortable in the barrier of my skin as I have always been. My flesh is not my temple, though I truly desire it to be.

I don't want to rake up the past on here and write a novel about the fatness in my life. I just want to change, finally, permanently, and positively. It's gotten to the point that the way that I treat myself, and the way that I interact with others, has become a constricted normality. That is to say, I keep myself caged away a little - I keep my vulnerability hidden, my confidence stifled, and my spirit low. I scold myself, judge myself, and litter around the core of my heart, and it's become totally ok and totally my life. I didn't even realize it was happening, and I'm not even sure, if I do change, that I can actually break that cycle. I am so used to tearing myself down and so used to not pursuing the experiences I actually want or dream of. And instead, I pour myself into the thickness of my work, because, what else can I do? I have not yet lived in the manner I've always dreamed of. I have not yet experienced that part of life, at least not for good. I have always been a little lost. And despite all the other challenges I have managed to climb above, this has been the one constant reality that has always chained me to the floor.

I can't live like this any longer, at least not happily. And I can't love like this, at least not fully. I am tired of being resentful, hapless, lonely, and disassociated. And I am tired of being tired. I'm not hiding it anymore, all of this. I'm not pushing it away. I want to change my body and I want to change my life. I want to love the people I love, and I want to chase the experiences I've dreamed about, fully. I want live for the first time as my full self, and I believe losing weight is my gateway to that.

So, this is going to be the blog that covers this struggle from now on. The blog that, hopefully, will capture this transformation. And the blog that will act as a funnel for these feelings, instead of everything else I've replaced facing them with. I'm so fucking scared. I'm scared of how others will react to me trying to do this and maybe failing. And I'm scared of failing. And I'm scared of living.

This is the truth. It isn't a blaring horn or a thumping zumba beat. It's just me trying to be strong and me living within the struggle. It's not pretty, but it's honest.