Friday, April 27, 2012

What I find most interesting about conservatives is how they choose which of their many bullshit arguments should be applied to a situation. Take Trayvon Martin. Normally, the blanket comment made when an innocent person is shot and killed is, “If only they had been armed.” Indeed, if only Trayvon had been carrying a gun, he could have defended himself… or Zimmerman would have just seemed to have been justified in what he did. Either way, problem solved, right?

I think my favorite conservative flip-flop is on religion, since that’s a topic I always find fascinating. With Obama, it’s been interesting. One day, Obama is a Christian with a crazy preacher who says, “God damn America,” and the next day he’s a secret Muslim… never mind that you cannot secretly be a Muslim. It’s hard to hide yourself from kneeling and praying on a rug five times a day, let alone not eating pork.

Most conservatives seem to say religion is everything in selecting a political leader, and so imagine my shock when this year… they ended up with a Mormon. Suddenly, not only is Romney’s religion “not an issue,” but for the second time in recent memory (Bush being the other), the party who elects a “guy you can have a beer with” is going to vote for a guy who doesn’t even drink.

Then you have global warming. One day they’re denying that the temperature is going up, then the next day (generally the day they find out they’re wrong on that front), they’re suddenly experts on solar seasons and the natural cycles of the sun. They pivot immediately from “Global warming isn’t happening,” to “Well… global warming is real, but it’s not caused by people.” You just never know what conservatives will be arguing today… until Fox News tells them.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The only reason I would ever get into shape is for the zombie apocalypse. That way, I’ll be an unstoppable zombie.

God always comes first with me. Then we switch to doggy and I finish.

I miss lemon Jolly Ranchers.

Republicans can’t tell the difference between a Kenyan and a Keynesian.

Hercules and I had the same shoe size, US 13 (12.6 inches). This was actually the first recorded use of a measurement based on the length of a foot.

You don’t have to be smart or kind to be a Democrat, but you have to be cruel or stupid to be a Republican.

I had to quit being a liberal and an atheist because I was incapable of doing what liberals and atheists do most often: get offended.

It’s not that conservatives are always wrong, it’s more that they’re never right.

Squirrels are like cigarettes. They aren’t a danger to you unless you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.

Republicanism: the belief that only your head should ever be up your ass.

I was on a flight recently and the flight attendants made an announcement that the pilot and co-pilot were both passed out drunk, and she asked if anyone could fly the plane. No one volunteered at first, so I did. Let me tell you, it was not easy. It took me an hour just to figure out how get us into the air.

I’m more angered by conservative women than by conservative men, and I think it’s because I don’t get satisfaction from imagining myself punching a conservative woman in the throat.

There’s a history of longevity in my family, especially among the older folks.

I hope Rush Limbaugh gets raped by a whale shark.

Masturbation: putting the “semen” in “amusement.”

Have you ever murdered someone just so you can get the last word?

What’s black and white and red all over?
Barack Obama in a lobster costume.

I’m so fat and out of shape. If I didn’t eat, it wouldn’t be called a fast, it would be called a slow. Actually, I used to go days without eating sometimes in college. It was called “the end of the month.”

I come from a family that is rather wealthy. Not Romney wealthy, but very well off. We never had hard times. We always had food on the table, but that’s mostly because it was my job to do dishes and I’m really lazy.

I’m allergic to everything. I’m even allergic to myself. If I lick my skin, it itches. If I swallow my saliva, I get horrible diarrhea. My dandruff gives me a stuffy nose.

When I was 17, I got my nose pierced, but that was only because I had such a horrible dentist.

Nine times out of ten, a libertarian is just someone who can’t conceive of caring about what happens to anyone but himself (I find it usually is a “him”).

Republicans keep regressing further and further back into the past for bad ideas. What’s next? Women must marry their rapist?

Strange protest sign ideas:
- God Smells Like Rain
- Free iPods for All Orphans
- The End of the World Was Last Week
- Girl Scouts Against the Spanish-American War
- Stop Making New Kinds of Soda
- Ban Mozzarella Cheese
- Panhandlers On Strike For Better Dental Coverage
- Does This Sign Make Me Look French?
- Go Home Prussians!
- The Person Holding This is Not As Crazy As You Think
- The Liberal Media Stole My Dog
- I’m As Tired of Carrying This As You Are of Looking At It
- Down With Bad Things
- Help Me Find a Job So I Can Stop
- Support Horse-Racing on the Moon
- We Are Masked Individuals Against Everything
- If I’m Against It, Why Is it “Protest?” Shouldn’t It Be “Contest?”

They need better warnings on food. I got some chips the other day that were low-fat and made with a chemical I would rather not name, for fear of a lawsuit. They warned that the product “may cause intestinal distress, loose stools, or diarrhea.” Fair enough, but the warning that actually would help for this product would be, “Do not trust a fart after eating.” I have two fresh pairs of underwear that wish I had been given a little heads up.

I have studied the religions of the world like my eternity relied upon it. In the end, I fear I have merely wasted a large chunk of the finite time I actually have.

I love chili dogs. I love them more than people. No chili dog ever let me down.

I used to wonder what people meant when they complained about “elitists.” Then I moved to the South and realized it means: “Ooo, look at Mr. Fancy-Pants with all his teeth.”

I tried to date an optometrist, but the sex was really weird. She kept asking, “Is this better, or is this better? Better A, or better? Okay, you’re going to feel a poof of air...”

Having turned 28, I realized why so many people OD or kill themselves at 27: no one wants to attend their 10 year high school reunion.

I want to write a children’s book, but I can’t get the title right. So far, it’s: “You can be anything when you grow up, but you’ll be lucky if you get to work in a cubicle.” It doesn’t really have a ring to it.

Never trust someone who sides with the person they know best over the person who knows best.

I hate when people ask obvious questions when it’s clear what the answer is... like “Did you get a haircut?” or “Are you having sex with that horse?”

I want to attain enlightenment, and then extinguish it.

When it comes to sex, it’s like the Titanic: ladies first.

Science did not create new horrors, it merely revealed how horrible people can be by giving them the power to fulfill their potential.

The pen is mightier than the sword. The book is deadlier than the bullet. Even the blog is more destructive than the bomb. In short, the most powerful weapon to wield is the word.

I see a lot of anarchists and libertarians speak of the government’s “monopoly on violence.” This is odd, because I keep hearing from these same people how the government is inefficient and ineffective. So, what I’m hearing is these people demanding private industry get in on the market of violence, because the government is not an acceptably efficient or effective killing machine. I’m fairly certain that the way forward is not to privatize tyranny, thereby streamlining it.

When I swim at the beach, I don’t get wet
I go in the water, and the ocean gets Bret

I have a sort of reverse self-esteem that suits me quite well. I don’t think I’m amazing. I don’t imagine I’m particularly good looking or funny. I’m definitely not that bright, and I certainly have not achieved much success. And yet, I feel great about myself, because when I look around, I see a world full of boring, ugly, humorless, stupid failures, most of whom I’m shocked were able to operate a door in order to leave their homes. Compared to that, I think I’m doing pretty well.

Religion is like a metaphor that has come to life and gone mad.

Is it so hard to define marriage as being between those who ask and those who consent?

The only time you should care what your neighbors have is if they have nothing, and then you should help them get what they need.

We should spank the parent when the child misbehaves.

If you want to be on the winning team in any culture war, side with the young and wait for the inevitable.

Why don’t hipsters put their beer in the fridge?
Because they prefer to drink it before its cool.

Old photos always make me think of racism, because even the photo is segregated into black and white.

If two vegetarians are arguing, do they have a beef with each other?

You can never stop someone from being a danger to themself, because ultimately, they are tied to the problem.

I wrote a companion piece to the Vagina Monologues called the Dick Anecdotes. It’s not very popular.

My college roommate once asked me to pick up a magazine on cryptozoology at the store. The ironic part is, I couldn’t even find it.

I admire an animal that is colorful, because that is a creature that would rather fuck than blend in and live a little longer.

My failed sex toy idea: edible handcuffs

It’s easier to preach a thousand virtues than it is to live one.

Most minds are like cement: all mixed up, and then permanently set.

I don’t know why most people care so much about which church they are members of. Is it really so important where you go on Christmas and Easter?

You know that moment as you’re getting high when you become suddenly aware of the front portion of your brain? I don’t have a joke for that… it’s just weird.

As an atheist, it is tempting to exploit religious people. It wouldn’t be hard, considering how dumb they are. Like, imagine the fortune I could make selling Bibles autographed by the author.

You catch more rioters with laughing gas than with tear gas.

If you often put your foot in your mouth, you might as well also put a sock in it.

I suffer from a very erotic eye condition: sex-ray vision. I want to fuck everything I see. Hey, where are you going… don’t hide…

A conservative is someone who opposes everything until it’s been done for a while.

When people on the right say they believe in justice, they really mean “just us.”

I doubt it will ever catch on as a tradition at funerals to throw a bouquet of flowers to see who will die next.

I hate when people without kids try to tell other people how to be a parent. I just want to say to these nosey people, “Listen, I’m sure a parent knows how much vodka their own kids can handle, all right?”

Sometimes people really nitpick the Bible. Like, a popular thing to mock the Bible for is the talking ass. But frankly, I think that’s one thing the Bible got right. Most asses I know never shut up.

You know how they make virgin olive oil? They use the ugly and unpopular olives.

A liberal is someone who runs the risk of being on the wrong side of history. A conservative is someone who consistently stays on the wrong side of history.

Who would question the honesty of the Bible? It was written by Jesus’ buddies, many of whom were fishermen, and when has a fisherman ever exaggerated anything?

When you take someone to the airport now, you can’t go through security with them to see them off. So basically, I’m not even the last one to grope my wife when she leaves town.

I study history, not out of some misguided belief that I can avoid repeating it, but so that when it does repeat, I know the words and can sing along.

Some people will always disagree on principle because they can’t disagree on evidence.

I’m a socialist because I acknowledge there are things I want that I can never do for myself. For example, blow jobs.

As a guy, the only way I know I’ve been staring too long is if she adjusts her top or tries to close her sweater.

If only progress moved as fast as a glacier melts…

Sometimes, when I’m alone, I just curl up on the floor and pretend I’m a watermelon.

America: where you can own assault rifles, but you can’t bring shampoo on a plane.

The system is broken because the system is fixed.

You need a good government to have a growing economy, but you won’t have a good economy if you have a growing government.

If you don’t live on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.

There’s nothing funny about drugs. Trust me. What’s funny is people on drugs and the weird things they say and do.

I don’t believe in a meaning of life, I believe in a life of meaning.

My wife works and I don’t, but I’m not a trophy husband. I’m more of a participation certificate husband.

I had a girlfriend in college who was in a lot of online porn, and something tells me she’s going to be pretty pissed off if she finds out I posted it. She actually got her good looks from her step-father, which sounds weird, but he’s the one who paid for the plastic surgery.

Humans are the only species that blushes from embarrassment. We’re also the only species with religion. That can’t be a coincidence.

Sometimes I wish I had more than two middle fingers.

If your waistline you wish to increase
Fry all of your food in bacon grease
Cut out veggies and drink more booze
And if all else fails, go on a cruise

When I masturbate, I like to switch hands, because I noticed my jerking arm was going all Popeye, while my other arm (the one using the mouse) is spindly.

It confounds me that there are people with thick, unintelligible southern accents who complain about immigrants being hard to understand. This would be like Mexicans complaining that Southern food was delicious, but it gives you horrible diarrhea. Sure, it’s true, but you have no room to talk.

Politics is the art of taking credit for every boon while blaming someone else for every blunder.

I failed out of clown college, which is really embarrassing. They play that sound, “WAH-waah,” and they make you turn in your nose and shoes, so you aren’t tempted to clown without a license. I thought I would get ahead by interrupting the instructor, but apparently they don’t give as much respect to the class clown as you might think.

The worst lies are not those which we tell others, but the ones we live every day.

A large group of fools not only can take down a wise individual, they frequently do.

Bret was named “Funniest Comedian of 2011” in the Alan Family Newsletter.

I think of myself as a renaissance man, in that most of what I say would seem interesting and original in the 1500s.

My dad was sort of from another era. I think he was ready to have kids in the 70’s, not the 80’s. You could tell, because he always tried to apply old-timey solutions to new problems, and it didn’t really work out. I remember one time he found heroin in my room. So, he sat me down with it, and he made me shoot every last gram. And I’ll never forget, when I woke up in the hospital from that coma four days later... I really wanted some heroin, more than I had ever wanted anything before in my life… what was I talking about again?

My wife is Jewish, but she sleeps like all the groups who have oppressed her people over the years. I come to bed at night and she’s sprawled out in the middle with her arms and legs at weird angles, as if she’s walking like an Egyptian or some sort of human swastika.

Not everything about how we react in the moment makes sense. Like, I get really embarrassed when some stranger I don’t even know catches me picking my nose while in traffic, but when the mailman sees me jerking off in my living room, I just smile and nod.

Some people like to focus on all of the horrible things I have written, but personally, I prefer to focus on all of the great and amazing things I never wrote.

I don’t see the point in people trying to make abortion illegal. Even if you could magically stop every woman from getting an abortion, it will always be legal to fall down some stairs.

I don’t think I have OCD, but I may be a carrier.

Only strange species of animals always stay mated for life, like gibbons, swans, or the Amish.

If you don’t admit to drinking or doing drugs, I assume you kill and eat hookers.

There’s only one thing better than a sunrise: sleeping in. I’m more of a sunset guy.

I am not at all religious myself, but this does not stop me from being fascinated by religion. I love to poke it, prod it, and wonder at it, like a child inspecting a fresh corpse lying in an open field.

You ever post a picture of a rash online for the purposes of having strangers diagnose it?

I got rich the old fashioned way: I was born into it.

I work 24/7, by which I mean 24 minutes an hour, 7 hours a week.

Apocalitmus test: only voting for people who believe the world is ending

No matter who you are, there are more things you disbelieve than believe. We essentially are all skeptics who have chosen only to adopt a limited view of the world.

You need to take chances in life and one of those is taking sides. If you go to the track and bet on every horse, you will never come out ahead.

Science did not kill or replace God, it merely bought His home on the hill after it was foreclosed.

As a homemaker, my annual salary is $0, plus room, board, and benefits.

I like to study Eastern Religion every Tao and Zen.

I’m all confused, it’s like black is up and east is wrong.

I find you can tell a lot about a woman by her feet. For example, you can tell she’s mad at you if she’s trying to kick you in the balls.

The more things Republican politicians do, the more Republican voters become convinced government can never do anything right. What a coincidence…

Is it offensive to tell a woman with breast cancer that she can come to you if she ever needs to get something off her chest?

If you support war, capital punishment, and guns while opposing healthcare for the poor... you don’t get to say you’re “pro-life” just because you oppose a woman’s right to decide when she starts her family. That makes you “anti-abortion.”

I get dreams where I think I didn’t take some class I needed to graduate, or I scheduled a course and never showed up, not realizing I had it, so I failed and never got my degree. Sometimes these feelings even carry over into the real world, and I wonder if I’m just a fraud, that I never graduated at all... until I get a letter from my college’s alumni office asking for money.

Ann Romney talked publicly again, so of course she said something stupid...

I love the fact that there are women out there who don’t have a choice and they must go to work and they still have to raise the kids. Thank goodness that we value those people too. And sometimes life isn’t easy for any of us

Yeah, I’m sure life is so hard for you, Ann Romney. Like, sometimes you go to watch a TV show on demand or through TiVo, but it’s not available in HD. Or, don’t you hate it when you have so many nannies to care for your kids you can’t even keep their foreign-sounding names straight?

I love the fact that she can’t hide how out of touch with normal people she is. Good luck with those first world problems.

1. Seem charming, be an asshole – Be nice at first, but once you get what you want out of someone, you can stop pretending that you care. Don’t be ashamed of being an asshole; own the title. Wear it with pride, and derive sheer delight from it.

2. Be feared, not liked – People think nothing of letting down someone they like, but no sane person will let down someone they fear. At all times, be looking for ways in which you can let those around you know that you could ruin them if you chose.

3. Slander – In this fast-paced world, no one has time to fact-check. Do not hesitate to destroy someone’s reputation through exaggeration and lies. The most effective attack is to accuse someone of unethical behavior you are guilty of yourself, as this provides pre-emptive cover from accusations against you (people trust the one who accuses first).

4. Think Win-Lose – It is not enough for you to simply win; others must also lose. Part of the fun of stepping on people to get to the top is that not only are you climbing higher, you are holding others down. Look for ways to pit worthy adversaries against each other, never share credit for a success, and blame others for any failure you encounter.

5. Humiliate – Once someone is down, make sure you break their spirit. If they decide to give up entirely, that’s one less opponent you’ll ever have to face, and if they kill themselves, your morning commute will be that much shorter with one less on the road.

6. Snub – If you don’t like someone, and they refuse to stay defeated, ignore their very existence. Don’t talk to them, don’t make eye contact with them, and whatever you do, never tell them what you’re doing or why.

7. Grind your axe – Never forget those who stood in your way. A list is often helpful here. Once you’re on top, waste no time in crushing those who tried to stop you. Do not show them the mercy of hesitation.

I’ve come to the conclusion that conservatives don’t want Republican Mitt Romney to win the White House in 2012, and I think it’s because Barack Obama is the perfect Republican president. He’s to the right of Reagan, he’s a corporate lackey, and best of all, Republicans can blame the failures of conservative policies on Democrats for another four years.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Tough economic times got you down? Having trouble at work, or difficulty even finding a job? Tired of the never-ending stream of bullshit that is your existence?

I know what you’re thinking: just take 40 Tylenol and you’ll be enjoying a calm, relaxing dirt nap in no time, free of the stresses and responsibilities of your busy, modern life. What an amazing time to want to die…

But why take 40 Tylenol when we all know you’ll pussy out after about 20 and call poison control? Instead, take 10 Aleve, which have all the life-ending strength of four times as many Tylenol.

10. A public display of a new family being formed will draw outrage.
9. If there are no beds available, a barn works in a pinch.
8. Everyone loves a good stocking stuffer.
7. When it comes to gifts, bigger is better…
6. … though a small package worth a lot can get some women excited.
5. Christians take it seriously, but the rest of us can still have fun with it.
4. It’s just as important to give as to receive.
3. A little music can put you in the mood.
2. Half of the enjoyment is in the unwrapping.
1. Toys are fun.

I took more psychology in college than I wish I had, in retrospect. Modern psychology is boring as hell, with the exception of one unit on abnormal psychology and a few discussions on the Milgram and Harvard Prison experiments (which were not for the benefit of focusing in any meaningful way on the findings, but rather for their implications regarding ethical practices).

Really, the only thing I took away from studying psychology was this: I am my brain. It seems like, when I look back on taking psychology (which was an elective for me), I did a lot of cramming, in the same fashion (and for the same reasons) that I did when I took anatomy and physiology.

The psychology classes I took focused primarily on the brain, it’s make-up, the properties of various patches of cells, and a smattering of history regarding how these findings were derived.

One of the most common ways we learn about the brain is through brain injuries. If a railroad spike is accidentally fired into someone’s head and their behavior changes, we can deduce that the area damaged is linked to that behavior. If a clot develops in a particular lobe, cutting off blood to a certain area, and the person no longer recognizes faces, we can reason that the region of the brain affected is linked to facial recognition.

To be sure, it’s quite disconcerting how many things can be affected by injuries to the brain. There is even evidence that certain brain injuries (like concussions) can result in increases in violent behavior.

If the brain is who we are, there is probably also a genetic component to who we are, as well. In fact, we already know that certain genetic disorders can affect the brain, thereby altering the individual in a significant way. Intelligence, temperament, memory, happiness, and even religiosity are affected by genetics to some degree.

This begs the question: how culpable are we for our own actions? From a legal standpoint, I’m comfortable saying we should still hold people accountable for their crimes, but from a theological standpoint, these are damning facts.

I’m comfortable with holding people legally accountable because a person naturally inclined to commit crimes (particularly violent or destructive ones) should be behind bars, more for the sake of society than as a deterrent for others or as a lesson to the offender. However, human punishment is finite, whereas divine justice is eternal.

If we are being judged in this life, it seems patently unfair to create some people who are inclined to do wrong. Suppose I am not religious because I lack the brain capacity to experience the sensation people equate with “God.” This idea is not unheard of. It seems rather unjust to give other people “evidence” for God within their own minds, while I am expected to take the whole thing purely on faith.

Now, I’m of the opinion I just lack a delusion, not evidence, but I’m just trying to play God’s advocate here…

I suppose this injustice is not without precedent. After all, it’s hard to say we all have similar life circumstances, though the irony is that those who have the most “blessings” are statistically the least religious. But even then, one could say being blessed with poverty makes one more inclined to religiosity, and the Bible’s attitude regarding money (particularly the New Testament) also seems to corroborate this.

Still, how can God be just if being beaten as a child can directly lead to brain damage that makes you a more violent person? When you compound this with exposure to poor behavioral role models, a lot of people never have a chance.

From a purely secular standpoint, this is disconcerting. To think that our actions are internally affected or even dictated by factors outside of our own conscious control is not something I want to believe. I think it muddies the ethical waters. It calls into question the very concept of free will in a manner independent of another outlook I am comfortable dismissing: fatalism.

I want free will, and the idea of there not being free will goes against everything I feel on the matter. This near genetic determinism shakes the very foundation of my view of personhood, because it presents compelling evidence that we are partially the victims of our mind’s physical deficiencies.

I’m inclined to insist there is still a large degree of choice regarding one’s decisions, if only because I think human beings are obviously capable of overcoming their urges if they feel compelled to put effort into it. However, the fact remains: any of us could be in an accident tomorrow that fundamentally changes who we are.

This is frightening to me. It’s one thing to die, but it’s another conundrum completely for our very personality to disappear, and for a nearly unrecognizable person to begin inhabiting our bodies. This very phenomenon, which seems almost like the plot of a horror movie, happens from time to time. Relatives of people who suffer this kind of transformation have described the victims of such head injuries as being completely different people, even to the point where friendships and marriages have ended over this.

Perhaps the most common example of this happening is a degenerative condition, Alzheimer’s disease. We don’t know precisely what causes this form of brain damage, but the outcome is now well understood. It can lead to confusion, mood swings, irritability, delusions, aggression, language problems, and most notably, memory loss. Eventually, the mind deteriorates to such an extent that the body ceases to function properly, and the patient just begins to waste away.

If you ever needed evidence that God does not exist, Alzheimer’s is it. It is a disease that bucks all theological expectations. Namely, from the point of view of Christianity, Alzheimer’s makes it impossible to be saved. How can you keep Jesus in your heart if you cannot remember your own name? How can you ask for forgiveness for things you do not even realize you have done?

Most religious people would have you believe we are spiritual beings, but what sort of spirit is built on the neurons of a physical brain? Considering how dependent we are upon our brains, isn’t it obvious that once our brain ceases to function, the same goes for us?

Sunday, April 15, 2012

How could you even elect someone with a name like “Chris Christie?” I can’t trust someone who was raised by parents who thought that “Christopher Christie” would be a good name. Who has a name like that? Chris Christie has got to be the first person in history to be named after everyone in his family. I heard Sarah Palin is running to his defense, saying that it’s possible he married into it…

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I may not be religious, but I am not particularly interested in making religious people go against their religion. I wouldn’t get anything out of sneaking some bacon grease into food being prepared for a Jewish or Muslim person. I see no point in trying to keep a Christian from going to church. I’m not going to do something that, even though I know it’s actually harmless, would cause severe distress to a religious person.

I might cause a little light distress, and certainly some insult, but I’m not going to force a person to break the code of their religion unless it adversely affects other people. So, with that in mind, I am begging religious people (and it seems to be primarily Christians) to stop praying for me.

Praying “for” someone or something is pointless on so many levels. For one thing, the Christian God has a plan. What’s more, the Christian God knows all that you desire before you ask it, so there isn’t much point in asking. The only thing to gain from praying for something or someone is to feel like you did a good deed… when you actually didn’t. This is especially true when you go so far as to tell someone your plans to mumble to yourself in their honor.

It seems kind of vain, self-serving, and empty. If what a Christian prays for doesn’t happen, they take no responsibility for it. They don’t blame their own personal lack of faith, or God. Yet, if things go the way they hope, then obviously it was through prayer that it happened…

But that isn’t what prayer is about, from my reading of the Bible. According to my interpretation, God isn’t your personal genie. It’s my impression that prayers (at least all the prayers actually in the Bible) ask for the praying Christian to be made better, while at the same time gushing about how great God is. Praying is for self-betterment and divine vanity, at least according to the Bible.

And it begs the question… what are Christians praying for when they pray for us heathens? Maybe they’re praying for something good to happen to us, maybe they’re praying for us to become believers, but ultimately, what they’re hoping is that by telling an atheist they will pray for them, the atheist will be swayed in some way towards having positive feelings about faith. After all, if someone prays for me and things go my way… then clearly I will become a Christian.

Now, you won’t bother me by praying for me, but I think there’s nothing in the Bible saying you ought to pray for someone who is not a believer. Quite the contrary, the Bible is not very forgiving of those who reject Jesus. You might as well pray for the devil, quite frankly. More importantly, Christians should probably know how some non-believers feel about it, because not all of them are as tolerant as I am.

I get the feeling most non-believers take one of two stances on “being prayed for.” The first group is rather simple: we don’t care. There is a general indifference among a lot of non-believers for having someone mutter to themselves in our name. In this case, no harm, no foul. It would be like me saying, “Have a nice day.” Hardly anyone is going to get upset and say, “Don’t tell me what to do!”

But there are some atheists who are bothered by it. I imagine there’s quite a range of irritation or offense that could be taken by such an act as a Christian telling a non-believer they will pray for them. For some, it may even border on atheistic blasphemy, in which case you’re not doing the Christian faith any favors by praying for someone. By telling someone you’ll “pray for them,” you may just be making Christianity (or if you’re lucky, just yourself) look smug or pompous.

Regardless of how an irreligious person feels about being prayed for, none of us want it. On some level, it’s often implying, “You aren’t good enough as you are, you need the help of me and my magical friend.” Even if you’re praying for a good thing to happen to someone, we know that what you really want is for us to believe like you do, and that can be insulting on a very personal level. You might as well be saying, “I wish you would change.”

Part of why I imagine this is so confusing to Christians is how they must see this. To a Christian, Christianity is great, and they think they’re sharing something amazing with us infidels. To see how irritating a non-believer might find this practice, a Christian would have to do something none of them seem capable of doing: treating others the way they themselves would want to be treated.

I wouldn’t tell a religious person they need to change their faith in order for things to get better for them, and telling someone you know isn’t religious that you will pray for them can be seen as similar to saying, “You can’t handle things yourself, but rather than actually doing anything real to help you, I’ll just say you clearly need assistance from my religion.”

A Christian wouldn’t want someone of another religion to sacrifice a goat for them, nor would they appreciate someone making a burnt offering in their personal shrine for them. Maybe those are too abstract… how about something more concrete?

Would a Christian appreciate it if I told them I was making a large donation to a local coven of witches on their behalf or that I would protest outside a church for an hour in their name? Perhaps the most apt similitude in my eyes would be if I told a Christian that tonight, I would cut myself for them. I imagine most Christians would rather I not do that.

No one wants to know that someone else is doing something stupid in their name. In this regard, I sort of understand how God must feel.

Religion tried to convince me that no good ever came from asking questions. Actually, this is partially correct. The truth is, no good ever came. Good is sought after or achieved, it doesn’t just come. Good is a goal, not a consequence.

In a long-overdue move to regulate antibiotic use in cows, pigs, chickens and other livestock and poultry, the FDA will be implementing new guidelines in regards to the availability of antibiotics.

Rather than being available over the counter (and virtually ubiquitous) as they are now, antibiotic use will now be overseen by veterinarians and available by prescription only. This should limit widespread use of antibiotics, which puts animals and humans at risk of drug-resistant diseases and unnecessary side effects to the antibiotics themselves, which are unnecessary in healthy animals.

This is arguably the most important measure in meat and poultry regulation in recent memory. This action was taken in lieu of outright banning or restriction of drugs individually, instead leaving the decision on whether to use a medication up to trained vets.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

After his lawyers bailed on him over erratic behavior, Zimmerman has been arrested and charged with second degree murder. Finally, George Zimmerman will face a jury of his peers and every reasonable person in America can rest easy knowing he has been brought to justice, 45 days after the killing.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

10. Your friends have to stifle a laugh upon meeting.
9. They can’t name all four Beatles.
8. They have to be home before curfew.
7. You have to buy both tickets to see an R-rated movie.
6. Only one of you was able to watch music videos on MTV.
5. You use a different abbreviation for VD/STDs/STIs.
4. You’ve never heard of any bands they like.
3. They would need a parent to sign a permission slip to get married.
2. You babysat their parents.
1. You feel compelled to Google your state’s age of consent.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

I worry that with a question like this, people won’t take it seriously. I can’t imagine why anyone would question my sincerity… I mean, besides my prior record.

But I’m being quite serious when I ponder: does religion exist?

I could have approached this from a pragmatic, realistic perspective, one which is perfectly valid. After all, it’s hard to say what makes a religion a religion rather than a cult or philosophy or culture or scam. However, rather than begin from the premise that we cannot tell “religion” from anything else, I would rather ask: how can one even define religion?

Every definition I have ever seen attributed to religion is either too narrow or too vague. What’s more, I also find in most definitions a ponderous amount of nonsensical words which themselves lack clear definition (like “spiritual” or “sacred” or “gods” or “supernatural”).

Frankly, I don’t think religion needs a definition, because the term is utterly obsolete. Every single aspect of religion is more adequately defined using other terms from more established fields. Ethics, morality, law, community, culture, diet, psychology, philosophy, cosmology… there’s just no need for the term “religion” anymore.

It’s even in the best interest of most people who think of themselves as “religious” to just drop the label. Nearly every religious person these days is an ideological eclectic. Few people, if any, take their cues from a singular source, even if they claim to, so people don’t even follow their own religions religiously.

In many ways, talking about one’s “religion” is like talking about “what’s in your heart.” It’s a fossil of language, a stony reminder of a bygone era.

Now, I know what some people might be thinking, that this is just some cheap shot on religion. Far from it. You don’t need the word “religion” to practice the philosophy of Jesus or Moses or Muhammad. Buddhists, Taoists, and many other Eastern ideologies have been on board with this for a while now, perhaps in response to anti-religious hostility in the region.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking, again… “But if it doesn’t change anything, why bother?” Well, for one thing, a lot of people want nothing to do with religion, even people who go to church. In addition, to someone like me, it can open up the cultural discussion to include non-believers.

I’m not part of any religion, but I don’t lack morality or a feeling of community. In fact, I’m so uninterested in being part of a religion, I have stopped identifying as an atheist because it just seemed too similar for my own comfort. Atheism isn’t a religion, but it’s definitely full of annoying people who want to shame you into acting a certain way… which was ultimately what I did not like about religion.

And that’s sort of the issue: “religion” isn’t the problem, because religion isn’t real. The problem has always been human behavior. “Religion” is just a bullshit label we put on a set of ideas to make them appear more important. “Religion” doesn’t really mean anything, sort of like “beauty” or “evil.” We use these kinds of words because we acknowledge some shared understanding as to what they signify, but they are fuzzy and subjective terms which provide little or no real communicative value, because they mean different things to each of us.

If anything, I imagine the atheist community is the one which would be most changed by such a linguistic shift as to abandon terms like “religion” and “religious.” Even though atheism really has nothing to do with religion, you wouldn’t know that from how most atheists talk. To cease using “religious” terminology would force atheists to be more direct, more specific, and ultimately more constructive in their criticism of theistic ideologies.

I keep hearing how the Bible has all the answers. If this is true, then according to the Bible, at what age should a child be allowed to get a cell phone? Too hard? Okay, how about something more simple, like… what is/should be the age of consent?

Famspam: masses of e-mails or Facebook status updates from family members (or sometimes office secretaries) that have usually been forwarded thousands of times, covering such insipid topics as jokes so bad they are attributed to Jay Leno, pea-brained political propaganda, promises of some medical miracle or social justice initiative being achieved if only you also pass it along… and many, many others, none of which you want to read

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I don’t understand why the Catholic Church thinks you need to perform miracles to become a saint. If you ask me, miracles take all the real work out of being a saint. A miracle is just God cheating, but if you don’t get God’s help and you have to do good deeds all on your own… that’s worth being honored.

Jews, Christians and Muslims claim that people were made in God’s image, and more specifically, men were. My question, then, is what does God do with His penis? God is supposedly the only god, so what does God need male genitalia for? I’m sort of forced to imagine God jerking off incessantly for eons… which kind of explains “the surface of the deep” in the first chapter of Genesis. Hmm… no wonder the sea is salty.

So, I did a little survey again, asking: “Gun to your head, which of these would you select to actually be the US president?” And, once again, the results surprised me a little. Here they are, for the sake of posterity:

At 100 votes, it almost seems ridiculous to post the percentages, but old habits are hard to break.

I’ll address the last response first, because it’s so monumentally telling. With 49 votes in favor of getting a bullet in the head over selecting any of the Republican presidential nominees, I can conclude that half of the people who visited my site in the last few weeks and voted are drama queens. Not much more to say about that one, except that I know for a fact that few, if any, would actually choose to die before selecting one of these four men to be president. Next time I won’t even give people an out, because it’s obvious that too many were unwilling to actually make a tough choice (which might be America’s biggest problem: we’d rather die than decide).

I’m a little surprised by the Ron Paul win over Romney. Unlike most of the other polls, I did vote in this one, as did my wife, and we chatted briefly about it when I first put the poll up. We both picked Romney over Ron Paul, because Ron Paul is fucking insane and Romney has gubernatorial experience that neither of us find too repugnant.

I’m sure some portion of those who chose Ron Paul actually support him, but I know I don’t have 36 Ron Paul fans who read my blog, so I’m of the opinion that a fair number of normal people chose him, which leads me to believe there’s a lot of pot smokers who frequent my blog who don’t know much about politics or Ron Paul.

Bear in mind that 99% of what Ron Paul says he will do are things he can never do, even if he were president. He can’t decide not to declare war, Congress does that. He can’t decide to end the war on drugs, Congress does that, also. He can’t end the Fed, legalize prostitution, lower government spending, eliminate the minimum wage or Social Security or Medicare or Medicaid… he can’t do most of the things he says he’ll do, because the Constitution (which he supposedly adheres to) does not grant him the power to do so.

The best he could do is end the wars, but even then, his generals will be the ones deciding how fast they leave. In many ways, this would be Paul’s saving grace, since he would be unable to bring to fruition some of his more insane policies, but I’m still confident I would rather not live in a country suffering from the consequences of this man’s presidency.

In short, Ron Paul is a political hack that only naïve frat boys still have a boner for. At this point, if you can’t see through Ron Paul’s bullshit, you should seek treatment for mercury poisoning, because you have some crossed wires upstairs.

This isn’t to say Romney is a good candidate. I wouldn’t vote for him in a real election, I can just look at these four men and make an informed decision that between them, Romney is clearly the most intelligent choice.

I’m kind of shocked Newt Gingrich got no votes. I’m not surprised in the least that Santorum got no support from people who read my blog, but Newt Gingrich would still be a better choice than Ron Paul. In my opinion, only Santorum is comparable in horribleness to Ron Paul.

Gingrich is forward-thinking and has a record of working with Democrats. I’m not sure how he got zero support, and I would be willing to bet he would have gotten some votes if I had asked this earlier in the campaign. I wonder if perhaps his penchant for acting outraged over every little thing lately has resulted in his sharp decline in popularity, but honestly… I can’t fault him for it, because it’s cheap publicity. It shows political savvy and a willingness to fight on against the odds, and I kind of respect that quality in him, even if he is a manipulative douchebag.

Still, I have to give it to Romney. He’s the only one with executive experience, and his moderate record speaks for itself.