Friendship, success, family, purpose and love. (Oh yeah, and a sexy body.) Everybody wants some of that, right? This blog is about one woman's endeavor to find, and deal with, all of those things — and the never-ending struggle to keep her apartment clean.

Imagine the Love…My Touchstone.

He's your touchstone from the Universe. You have to...you get to be a part of this.

I went to a coffee shop Friday night and saw a friend of mine sing with a guy she has recently been romantically involved with. And, more recently, she ended the involvement. It was a good choice. And she has bigger and better things on the horizon.

But hearing their voices mingle, while singing what was basically a love song, reminded me of something. Something that I had either forgotten or suppressed. Something that I’ve tried to think of recently but been unable to conjure up in either my mind or the emotional parts of myself.

It was “the moment.” You know what moment. One of those moments that are the reason we want a romantic relationship. Those moments that somehow evoke desire and fulfillment all at the same time. The moments of ultimate, true transcendent love.

Well, lately I can’t remember those moments. Or even imagine them. I can’t imagine the love. I suppose this doesn’t seem like a big problem to most of you, but if I can’t even imagine it…how will I ever attain it?

The thing is, part of my current spiritual practice is something that I guess I would describe as, meditative, visioning prayer. The point of this practice is to ask God for something, but to do so without a specific course or outcome in mind.

Like when I pray about grad school I don’t pray specifically to get into grad school. I concentrate on what it would feel like to be in the perfect place to fulfill my creative, vocational purpose. And imagining the feeling of that fulfillment is a big part of making it happen.

Well, either as part of the aftermath of my last break up…or as a result of feeling really fulfilled with myself — or because the Universe is telling me to wait — I haven’t been able to meditate on and prayerfully envision a fulfilling romantic love in my life.

Despite doing a lot of work on this in the past, and desiring it intensely for the majority of my life, suddenly I couldn’t even conjure up the desire for it — let alone imagine it being fulfilled.

I can’t remember the moments.

I can’t imagine the love.

I sort of took it as a sign.

But my recent crush run-ins (including some interaction with an ex or two via Facebook) have stirred me again. And then hearing my dear friend actually make music with that man — I was moved.

The next day as I was driving to meet my mother I had…well…I can only describe it as a vision.

I imagined what it would be like to have a man — that man — driving me some place. And I was suddenly full of that emotion I’ve been missing and I was having one of those moments that I had been struggling to think of. And it was a good one. I’ve been holding it with me since then. I thought it might be more powerful if I share it. So, maybe you can imagine it with me.

Imagine the glance. You look at him . You fully know him and you are moved by that person’s genuine presence. He looks you in the eye and you know he sees you too. All of you. And he smiles. Who you are has made him smile and you are suddenly overwhelmed. You have to touch him. His cheek. His shoulder. His knee. His hand.

Somehow you have to touch him. To move closer. To physically connect. Not out of sexual desire, but because you have to complete the circuit.

And you have the power to do so — to have permission to touch him — because he is your familiar. Your intimate. Your touchstone from the Universe.

So you touch him. His cheek. His shoulder. His knee. His hand. Just one part of his body with one part of your body, but somehow you touch all of him at the same time. With all of you. And when you touch him you feel who he is even more. And it makes you feel who you are. And suddenly you can feel the rest of the Universe.

I honestly question myself finding love due to my disposition. I question the majority of Americans for similar reasons. We no longer feel the bite of necessity and are interested in living (obsession with health anyone?) but not living well (community & contemplation).

If I may offer what I think is the recipe for a successful marriage:
Find a man, preferably one you know to be good, dependable and enjoyable.

Marry with the purpose of mutual dependence and realize, when a child comes, that you both owe that child at least 18 years of marriage. This will be your bite of necessity and will help restrain our modern desire for abstract fulfillment, which is often the desire for an exciting sex life (ie. a new partner) cloaked in lofty sentiments.

You probably should rely on your husband, materially speaking. If that means a more frugal style of life, welcome it with open arms. A thoughtful woman who manages the household and raises well developed children is infinitely more fulfilling than a second income.

The conundrum is of course, personal fulfillment for stay at home moms.

To stay at home and feel fulfillment you should take up intellectual pursuits to fill up the free time now open to stay-at-home moms due to technology. This will also benefit your children because at least the mother will have a certain depth of thought. Depending on your husband’s career he may not have the leisure to be deeply reflective.

If you allow your husband to bring in the income you will come to rely on him and he will see himself as vital to the household. By all means adore him when he’s trying, admonish him when he’s foolish and work with him to develop the mental and moral capacities of your children.

All of this is, to my mind, idealistic. Deviations can occur and prove successful (my own family life was quite deviant from this). If the parents feel committed to children a great deal of deviation can occur and success will remain possible because the will is behind the endeavor. It’s when the couple begins to think of themselves that they forsake the child and seek their own fulfillment. I might add that I’ve noticed that people who place fulfillment as their primary goal rarely find it. It’s those who have some cause greater than themselves (these people remain single or have a really devoted spouse) or consider first their duty to child and spouse, that find fulfillment.

I doubt my own ability to find happiness in marriage (which is quite different from romance. I’m too capable at that and terrified that I prefer it to committed love.) because I have spent my life thinking mostly about myself and my ambitions. I’ve looked into myself and partially doubt I can relinquish them. It will take one patient woman and that, I’ve observed, is increasingly rare. Not that I blame them.

I appreciate your input Cole. And I’d like to know more about the “disposition” you’re referring to.

I think you are an incredibly smart and thoughtful man. And I can relate to your feelings that the type of partner for you is rare. I haven’t found a lot of men who are me equal let alone also romantically interested in me.

I find the idea of mutual dependence to be interesting, but the truth is, I’m independent. I have been on my own for over a decade now. I’m not looking for someone to rely on. A man who is capable of allowing me to rely on him from time to time actually seems like more than I can possibly find. But I must say, I don’t think I need to be dependent on a man to fulfill myself or my life’s purpose. Also, in the provider-housewife situation I don’t see what the man is depending on the woman for. Food preparation? Maid services? Sexual favors?

Also, as incredibly intelligent and thoughtful as you are, my friend, I find it interesting that you are making a couple of assumptions about me here: A.) that I want to get married and B.) that I want to have kids.

I’m not really talking about marriage in this post. I’m talking about being in love. I don’t know if I want to be married as much as I want to be totally smitten with another person. I would hope that I will someday encounter a love so deep that it becomes a committed, life-long partnership. But I don’t want to put a concrete goal to it like: get married.

If I do decide to have children I think marriage would be the best way to create a safe situation for the whole family, and I’m not completely opposed to the housewife role, but if you knew me really well and heard someone else suggest this same thing to me, you would be laughing your ass off.

Some of the ideas in your plan for a happy marriage frustrate me because they seem impossible. I’ve barely met a men who can support himself, let alone another person. They are pretty rare in my life. And the idea of a man supporting me feels incredibly selfish. I could be a domestic goddess to a point. But if someone were to support me monetarily I would spend a lot of my time pursuing vocational dreams that I currently cannot.

I think your model is very limited and perhaps very colored by your religious background. (Perhaps.) I’d like to challenge you to look at it from the female perspective for a moment. This model is very antiquated and honestly, seems to suggest that the only thing a woman has to bring into a relationship is her uterus, babysitting and maid services. As a woman who has far more to offer the suggestion is hurtful. (I know you aren’t trying to be hurtful, I just thought you should know.)

And, just so you know, the phrase, “This will also benefit your children because at least the mother will have a certain depth of thought.” referring to a housewife/SAHM with ‘intellectual pursuits’ is kind of offensive too (again, I realize you aren’t trying to be offensive), because I already have a certain depth of thought to offer to a lot of people including a husband.

Your response really makes me feel that you consider women to be second-class humans to a point. (I know that might not be true, but it’s how it read to me.)

While in the Christian church I ran into a lot of men who believed that men were created in God’s image and seemed to think/feel/believe that women were created in God’s image. Rather than think that huMANs were created in God’s image. A lot of their ideas about gender and lifestyle choices flowed from there. Many of these men (and to be fair, women) were unaware that they believed this, but when confronted with the idea that Man is made in God’s image and Woman is also made in God’s image they were really perplexed.

I wonder, how much time you have spent considering this idea? The idea that man is an expression of part of God’s character and woman is an expression of other parts of God’s character? That we need both men and women, both genders, both aspects of humanity and sexuality in order to fully understand God.

Anyway…you don’t have to answer that (although, as always, I’d be interested in your thoughts). I’ve gotten off point.

One last point I’d like to make. I don’t really think any of us know what the successful marriages of the future look like. Society is very fractured and the institution doesn’t fulfill the same societal needs or structures as it used to.

I think we need to decide what a successful marriage looks like to us and then create it. For me it won’t be my parent’s marriage. And I doubt it will be the marriage you have described above. But again, I thank you for sharing and I appreciate that you have obviously put a lot of thought into it. Maybe that is the successful marriage you will have!

I enjoyed this a lot Crystal. It is sad how mostly women tend to experience that sense of “yearning”. We focus on the “permanence” of those we love in our lives, that feeling at least but most men tend to prefer the transitory. Beautiful work here! Good luck on the exam!

Imagination is as real as physicality because it makes you feel, especially. The perfect man is out there for you, because you exist. That’s how I see love – but only I like women; just to clarify. 🙂 Keep writing!