happiness

Sure, you might get momentary cooperation. You might get temporary control. But over the long haul, you only change minds by listening with respect to the other person’s fears, hopes and priorities, and then clearly and kindly sharing your own point of view. And real understanding is generally not a one-and-done deal – it’s an on-going conversation that may need some space.

Yes, this approach takes time. But, know what? It works.

I’ve been called into so many dysfunctional offices where there’s some autocrat – could be at the C-level, could be at the office manager level, might even be at the receptionist level – whose bullying attitude and control issues threaten the entire success of the organization.

[I don’t particularly like these assignments but I take them because the relief people ultimately feel is profound.]

What I’ve learned is that most human beings – yes, bullies, too – really want to know, down deep, that their life has mattered. That all of their sacrifices and difficult choices have meant something. [And I did a webinar for the Harvard Business Review on bullies in the workplace in case you missed it.]

Given the technological advances of the last fifty years, it’s harder and harder for the average Joe to feel like it all matters. Any of us can be fired at any time for any reason – or no good reason at all. Employees have moved from being an organization’s best asset to becoming their largest liability, so cuts happen frequently and seemingly willy-nilly. I once worked with some executives downsized from an organization who, in its big company wisdom, decided to save money and boost profits by getting rid of every employee who’d been at the firm for more than fourteen years. In one fell swoop, the entire organizational memory was wiped clean.

Made zero sense to me, and all those let-go people had an existential crisis, wondering if all of those late nights, bad hotels, Sunday night planes and skipped birthday parties were worth it.

What’s missing today amongst the powers that be is an understanding that belonging is such a critical human need. When I start working with new clients, I ask them to do an exercise to list their top values. Nine times out of ten, people choose things like “being connected”, “belonging”, “being with”.

This is the reason folks stay late, work on weekends and say yes to travel that takes them away from their families – not because they’re getting paid, by and large, but because they care.

Belonging is often the way people feel like what they do matters.

Yesterday I had coffee with my old friend Tom, and we got on the subject of being hungry. Tom said, “You know, when you’re really hungry, you’ll eat anything. You don’t care what it is, you don’t care where it came from, you don’t care who’s serving it – you’ll eat it because you’re famished.” Wise man, my friend Tom is.

And it’s true. If you’re starved for belonging, you’ll quickly join any group that will have you as a member.

Their goals will become your goals. Their needs will become yours. Their aims and intentions will become yours.

Because they feed you.

That’s why shouting at folks in an attempt to persuade them doesn’t work. Because you’re shouting about policy or politics or faith or beliefs or performance and the other person is – in their heart of hearts – thinking about belonging. And what they might have to do so they won’t figuratively starve.

So if you find yourself wanting to shout down someone else, here’s what you do instead, whether you’re at an office, in a home, on the street, protesting, marching, gathering, singing, shopping or navigating rush hour: Listen. Invite someone to listen to you. Look them in the eye. Tell them why you believe what you do. Model open-mindedness. Find common ground. Include them.

Because shouting may get you attention for a minute but it rarely gets you the change you seek.

I don’t have a problem telling you my age – 56 – because I’m younger than many and older than some.

I think about this a lot – for my grandmothers, fifty-six was a completely different experience.

Because their life expectancy at birth – with no antibiotics, anesthesia or other modern medical advances – was somewhere around forty-five or forty-six. Living beyond that must have seemed like bonus time.

For my grandmother Bea, who died at age 67, turning the age I am now meant that she only had twelve more years of living ahead of her.

Of course, she didn’t know that.

As a young child, all I knew was that Mama Bea looked old, and even pictures of her at fifty-six don’t look the way I look at fifty-six.

My other grandmother, Fern, lived to 101 1/2. Turning fifty-six was well beyond what she had expected, but she had an whole other entire lifetime ahead of her.

Of course, she didn’t know that, either.

I don’t imagine either of them would have been able to fathom my life at fifty-six.

Having a business – well, Bea owned and managed rental properties so she could have understood that pretty clearly – but working out of a home office, coaching men and women in Europe, Asia, Latin America as easy as talking with someone in Tulsa or Topeka? Unfathomable.

Making a very good living at it, too? They’d accuse me of making up tales.

Being at the height of my professional power and connectedness? Now, there they would be utterly dumbfounded.

And maybe just a little bit proud.

Because in their day, it was men who were at the pinnacle of their professional careers – and earning power – at fifty-six.

And now I am, too.

This is a huge shift that has occurred in my lifetime. Once upon a time, a fifty-six year old woman would be considered old, ready for the pasture, useless.

Today, though…

Today, this particular fifty-six year old woman is just getting started.

My work has never been better. My reach is global. My impact is lasting. I am creatively on fire.

I have Ted Koppel Hair today, the result of new hair product plus a cavalier attitude toward Finding A Part.

For those who are misty on Ted Koppel Hair, let me remind you:

Imagine how especially delightful my hair looked after I jammed a wool beanie on my head to make a grocery store run. I had Ted Koppel Hat Head!

It was possibly the worst hair day of my entire life (excepting 1986-1989, which were the years I’d like to forget, hair-wise) and know what?

It didn’t stop me.

Didn’t stop me from doing what needed to be done, and doing what I wanted to do.

Didn’t cause me to throw the world’s largest pity party. Nor did it cause me to venture into self-hatred.

Nope. I have Ted Koppel Hair and…I am writing about it.

Because, as we discussed last time, isn’t it time we all get real and raw?

Think of all the things you may have missed in your life because your hair looked (to you) stupid, or you felt you didn’t have the right clothes, or you had that zit on the very tip of your nose, or you couldn’t shave, or you had that cast, or you needed to lose thirty pounds, or a million other excuses.

The plain fact of the matter is – you missed stuff.

People, places, experiences that you just can’t get back.

Moments in time that are now lost.

Self-imposed limits that kept you from doing a thing – a thing that could have been big and made a big difference in your life.

Missing out is no fun.

So, today, and every day, go boldly. Get out there despite your hair or your clothes or your complexion or your weight. Go out in the world, connect, be real and raw.

Go out there and be you.

The only person on the planet who can rock Ted Koppel Hair is…Ted Koppel.

Beth asked me to write about knowing the value of what you do. My answer: If you can solve a billion dollar problem with one phone call, do you charge for the ten minutes it took you to make the call, or do you charge on the value of the solution? Always, always, always price on the value of the solution you bring – not what you’d value it at, but the value to the person you’re serving.

Mary Lou asked about encore careers – so here you go: Find what you’re curious about and follow that. Your encore career may be about money or it may be about meaning – but following your curiosity will always be engaging. And that’s where happiness, contentment and meaning derives. Jobs After 50

Sam asked about virtues that shape the way we live, so I say: When in doubt, be kind. That’s really all any of us have to remember.

Susan asked how to be a champion for American society in a divisive time: See my answer to Sam.

Tom asked about working with Millennials. I say – you were once 28 years old, weren’t you? And you knew you had skills, and ideas, and strengths to bring to the table. So do Millennials. Let them grow and flourish. Treat them the way you would have liked to be treated when you were 28 (PS I was 28 and working in The White House. I certainly didn’t think I knew nothing and had nothing to offer – food for thought).

Beth said she’d like to read about how women do really have to give up something to achieve in the workplace. How about this? What Do We Tell Our Daughters?

Laura piped in again and asked for a recipe:

Recipe for the Easiest, Tastiest Salad Ever

Get yourself a ripe avocado. Test for ripeness by smooshing your thumb into the skin – if it gives a lot and squirts green goo all over your hand: overripe. If you press and sprain your thumb: not yet ripe. “Ripe” is right there in between those, and only lasts for 27 minutes, so act fast. Get yourself a ripe tomato just about the same size as your avocado (which is now 1 minute less ripe). I prefer the gnarly heirloom tomatoes over any other type but you go ahead and choose. Cherry tomatoes will work, beefsteak tomatoes are fine, but Roma tomatoes? No bueno – too dry. Romas are figurative tomatoes, best used only in winter to jog the memory of what real tomatoes are like.Get yourself one green onion and chop up about a tablespoon or one stalk. We call this “stalking”. OK, chop up your tomato and put it in a bowl. Dice up your avocado. I do this by halving the ‘cado and then cutting lines in each half crisscross then scooping into the bowl. Kind of McGyver-ish. Throw in your chopped green onion. Salt, cracked pepper to taste. Then, the piece de la resistance, toss with vinaigrette – a tablespoon or more, depending on votre desir. You can use bottled vinaigrette (I like the La Martinique True French Vinaigrette) but you can also make your own or choose another dressing. Or scotch. Scotch might work in a pinch. Toss, toss, toss, like a starlet after a night at the Chateau Marmont. Let it sit for 10 minutes if you can wait that long, then eat. Eat with joy! Eat with abandon! Eat with a spoon! Bon appetit!

And then the very same Laura mentioned pay equity. That Laura has a million ideas!

Ann asked about workaholism as a way of life. And, for the record, I am against it. You miss too many beautiful sunrises and baby steps if all you do is work.

Daniela, who lives in Europe, asked about dealing with the threat of terrorist attacks. I offer: Don’t give up hope that good will ultimately win, people are basically good, and more people run toward a crisis to give help than run away.

Rose asked about how to keep your mind, body and spirit open to new ideas and experiences. Which, if you know Rose, you know she’s doing every day. And her question made me think about this: An Ocean of Possibility

It was a long, arduous journey full of peril. Finally, at the summit, I met the person who could help me understand. I sat and waited.

The wise woman said, “Sometimes you must be utterly quiet to really be able to hear.

“It takes stillness to make any progress.

“You must find introspection to be able to live in the world.

“And when you take the time to get quiet, still and introspective, it’s possible to find understanding.”

I waited. There must be more. Had to be more!

“Is it possible,” I started, “to live a life that matters in a world that is fast and noisy? Where there is no time to think? It doesn’t seem possible.”

The wise woman smiled with kindness, nodded her head and said, “Oh, yes, it is possible. And I will reveal to you exactly how to do it. These are the principles which support a long, happy meaningful life. Pay attention – some are harder to achieve than you might think.”

And these are the words she said to me that day:

Live gratitude.

Be kind.

Love yourself.

Accept that how others live is their choice, and they are entitled to their own choices.

Honor your self-ness and the self-ness of others.

Notice.

Ask questions with no agenda.

Your most awesome power is your power to create.

Set goals and be prepared to let go of them if the situation changes.

Be the friend you’d want to have.

Do not pass suffering along.

Day turned to night and night to day as I pondered these revelations. Could it be that these principles were all I needed to live a life that matters?

Finally, it all made sense to me. I took a deep breath and pledged to move forward living as she suggested and I rose to thank the woman for her help, her guidance and her wisdom.

And the reflection in my mirror smiled and nodded her gratitude back to me.

If you ask what’s my baseline, fundamental belief about the world, I’d have a fairly simple answer.

You see, I believe that there are really only two ways to go through life.

You’re either someone who believes (let’s call them Camp A) that there’s never enough and you can’t trust anything, or (Camp B) you believe there’s plenty to go around and you trust most things.

Camp A’s motto is “I got mine. You go get yours.” Or maybe it’s “I got mine and now I’m going to prevent you from getting yours because there may not be much left and I may want more tomorrow.”

Camp B’s slogan is “I got mine. Want some?” Or maybe it’s “I see you don’t have any. How can I help?”

Since they don’t trust – anything – leaders and managers who come from Camp A tend to micromanage, bully and disparage. They push overwork, over-achievement, over-delivering because it means more for them! But there’s never really going to be enough because “enough” doesn’t exist in their mindset, does it?

Now, people who come from abundance and trust are quite different. As leaders and managers, they mentor, teach and lead by example. They know that trusting employees to work from home or take twelve weeks off after the birth of a baby is an investment in their people’s quality of life and creates high-performing, committed workers.

So, in shorthand:

Abundance means there’s always enough.

Lack means there’s never enough.

Trusting that things will work out for the best means that they often do.

Trusting that things will always go south means that they often do.

The camp you fall into on this defines the quality of your life and the richness of your experience.

H stands for your overall happiness. S represents your “Set Point”, C is the conditions of your life (do you have a long commute? A happy marriage? A leaky roof? A bum knee? A beautiful garden?) and V stands for the voluntary things you choose to do (anything you do that brings meaning or brings pain).

And, of course S is all about whether you come from abundance and trust or lack and fear.

The interesting thing is that simply changing one part of the formula makes a huge difference in your overall happiness. Want to guess which one?

That’s right, diligent readers – your set point makes up the biggest part of your overall happiness. So, while you can change the conditions of your life by moving closer to the office, fixing the roof or getting physical therapy for your knee, and you can certainly choose to do more meaningful things, but the real payoff comes from shifting your set point.

Whatever you can do to let go of fear and allow more trust will pay off.

Whatever you can do to remind yourself that there’s plenty of good stuff out there for you will pay off.

I’m not saying it’s easy. Seems like there are plenty of people who will invite you into Camp A, ask you to take a chair and settle in for a long, long sit. They’ll also tell you that people in Camp B are foolish, naive and stupid because the world is a hard place and you have to fight and scratch to get what you need in this life.

But I’ll tell you something – people in Camp B are happy. They really are, profoundly and innately. And they can be productive, successful and at the top of their game. Their lives are not struggles – in fact, their lives seem inordinately lucky, kind of effortless and even blessed.

It’s pretty sweet.

So, how about this? How about you start your membership in Camp B today? Start by noticing when things go your way. Keep track of times when there is more than enough. Remember that all trust begins with trusting yourself – so do what you can to stop the second-guessing, the self-doubt, the self-disparagement.

Step by step, move by move, opportunity by opportunity, you will build your trust that the world is actually full of wonderful things for you, and for others.

There’s plenty of room in our tent here in Camp B, and there’s space for you right here next to me.

In my line of work, I often meet people who feel like their job needs to be… well, work.

It’s supposed to be hard, a challenge, a trial, wearying.

It has to be a difficult challenge, a burden, a slog.

So, when I say to them, “Let’s find a way to base your career on joy”, they look at me as if I just got off the last train from OutThereville.

For these dear, harried souls, “joy” and “work” are never used in the same sentence. Never. Ever.

Of course, until they meet me.

Because I know that when you base your career in something that’s joyful, work doesn’t feel like work – it feels like a pleasure. Like an adventure. Like the most exhilarating learning you’ve ever experienced.

When you can find the joy in what you do, then stuff like toxic people, or unexpected roadblocks, or other setbacks become simply Things That Happen. When you’re operating from a true, deep love of what you’re doing, Things That Happen…happen. And so you deal with them and get back to doing what you love.

When I met with the doctor before the procedure, he told me that he had learned how to do colonoscopies when he was in the Army in Vietnam. I said, “Wow, you must have seen the technology change so much between then and now.”

He looked at me curiously, then said, “I sure have!” and went on to tell me, with a lot of enthusiasm, what’s changed. In that moment, I saw that my doctor loves his work. Loves it. Finds it fascinating. Appreciates the work he does. Feels joy.

And he does colonoscopies for a living.

Someone asked me yesterday how they could have a “bigger” career. How could they push past the barriers and boundaries they encounter and live large?

I replied with: “Start with joy.” Because with joy as your foundation, things come so easily. People find you a pleasure to be around and want to do business with you. Opportunities come. Doors open.

Life gets rich and full.

So, maybe it’s time for you to take a close look at your life. Where are you on joy? How can you get more if you don’t have enough?

How can you shift from the limiting idea that a life worth living is by definition a hard-fought battle, and move toward the bounteous idea that the best life is one founded on pure, unadulterated joy?