Sunday, January 27, 2013

Why you should marry an alcoholic

All my advice till now has been for men, but now with the
wave of feminism abound I guess it’s better to be called anything else but
sexist. So this latest blog post is relevant for women; about how should they
take the most important decision of their life. They should really, whole
heartedly, thankfully marry an alcoholic.

Now I’m sure you must be eyeing this with the suspicion that
all women eye everything men tell them, so let me recount you people the
benefits of marrying an alcoholic –

He would never care if you don’t have your upper
lip done, legs waxed, yourErrr let’s
just say private area shaved and won’t judge you if you don’t wear a sexy dress
in the middle of December

He would be ready to drive 20 km one way in a
10Km/L petrol car at a cost of 75 Rs/L to find table mats on discount you saw once in
a store on the left side of the road near a store you don’t really remember the
name of. Just reward him with a quarter when he comes back.

The logic that you need to buy new bed sheets to
match the color of your bed which was recently bought to match the new sofa
whose upholstery was recently changes to match the new curtains which you got
last week to match your walls which was recently re-painted to make the house
Feng Shui friendly and thus increase your home savings; would make perfect
sense to him.

Alcoholic anonymous is easier to join than most
dating sites.

You actually have to never worry about his
getting his shirt ironed properly.

As long as you have train him right, the answer
to: “Do I look fat in these pants?” “Is this dress too tight?” “Is this top too
deep neck?” will always be no. Just give him a beer for every no he says
without pausing to think for more than 3 Mili Seconds.

No pressure to come home before he does, in fact
the longer you stay in office the longer his friends can stay at your house and
drink.

After being disowned for drinking too much his
mother, brother, brother’s wife’s sister, brother’s wife’s sister’s aunt’s best
friend’s daughter will never come to meet you at your house, leave alone asking
you to come to theirs. Problem with in-laws solved !

After 5 large of Old Monk he will start
appreciate the nuances of the plot of Diya
aur baati hum, and understand the deeper meaning of showing the same slap 5
times from different angle in Kya hua
tera vaada.

He’ll pass out on most nights without eating, so
you can order Kimchi Salad and Babycorn Manchurian with less oil and less spice
as much as you want.

He will never say you have too many cushions.

He will drop your blouse to some tailor that
your sister’s best friend suggested, even if it is on the other side of town if
there is a bar nearby

Alcohol causes short term memory loss, he won’t
remember that you stood in front of your wardrobe for 30 minutes last night as
well and complained you have nothing to wear.

In fact he also won’t remember that issue you
are arguing about today actually happened last month and you said ‘it was
nothing’ back then.

He won’t mind your buying cinnamon scented
candles for 2120 Rs. If you tell him this is for lighting his cigarette.

If you stop enough bars along the way he won’t
be able to recall that you tow actually went out to buy a pair of jeans for you
and came back holding two pair of footwear and a bell chime.

You can tell him “Jaanu bas bahut pee lee tumne, ab aur mat peena” any day anytime. I’m
not very clear about the exact benefit of this to you people; but my experience
has taught me that you derive some great pleasure out of it even, if the guy
just had two drinks that too after an interval of 3 weeks.

Anybody who had 9 drinks since morning will
always be a good listener, he won’t be able to give advice on any of your
problems but hey, you didn’t want that in the first place now, did you?

He probably would be peeing all over the place,
that pretty much settles the toilet seat argument.

No matter how deep cut your friend’s top is, his
eyes will never leave his drink at dinner.

And lastly you people will never ever have to
fake a headache. Anybody who downed a bottle of Royal Stag will require a crane
to get it up.

Now if you like this, please write so in the comments, that
way I can come and sleep at your house tonight. I’m sure to be tossed out of
mine.

About Me

Forget your personal tragedy. We are all bitched from the start and you especially have to be hurt like hell before you can write seriously. But when you get the damned hurt use it — don't cheat with it. -
Ernest Hemingway