Comedy & Satire

The Washington Post, Fox News, Huffington Post and several other media outlets slammed Charlie Hebdo for allegedly implying that the citizens of Texas are Neo Nazis.

While the image may be controversial, it is my belief that Hebdo was not making this implication at all.

This is a classic case of people being triggered by imagery and not thinking clearly.

Let’s examine what the cover says and what it’s actually making fun of:

The texts says: “God Exists! He drowned all the neo Nazis of Texas!”

This isn’t making fun of Texans, it’s actually criticizing the left, particularly the agnostic-left.

You see, the agnostic left are largely critics of Christianity and often nonchalantly brush off the idea of organized religion and the idea of a higher power itself. They often link Christianity as synonymous with the ‘right wing’.

However, when it fits their agenda, they have a change of tune. As pointed out in the Hebdo cover. “God Exists!” This exclamation is indicative that an agnostic person was saying it, as they were surprised by their new found revelation.

“He drowned all the Neo Nazis of Texas” It is clear to me that Hebdo is quoting from the perspective of a leftist, who mistakenly think that if you live in Texas you must be a racist.

Hebdo is actually making fun of the liberals/leftists who are saying that God is punishing Texas for voting in Donald Trump.

This is worthy of satire, as Houston is predominately a liberal city.

Charlie Hebdo has always been a controversial, comedic, satirical and dark humor publication. They intentionally use imagery that is offensive, but in this particular case it helps to interpret the conveyed point accurately.

The year was 2020. The crisp evening of a pale November endured an eerie silence as the world awaited to reveal its new king.

Resounding whispers echoed a prophetic lament for civilization: “War is upon you.”

In the preceding years, the tension between the left-wing and the right-wing intensified to the point to where it could no longer be contained.

“If you voted for Trump, you’re a Nazi, if you’re sympathetic to Trump, you’re Nazi, if you voted 3rd party then you’re a Nazi, if you’re a liberal who believes in free speech then you’re a Nazi, if you’re a Libertarian, you’re a Nazi. If you’re not behind us, then you’re in front of us, and if you’re in front of us then you’re going to die.” The words of an Antifa member.

The age of the freethinker had come to a sorrowful end; the renaissance had expired. The glory days of conversing and exchanging ideas in the marketplace of free expression were now behind us. The era of individualism wrought its ghost upon the chronicles of time. You were either Team Left, or Team Right.

“These snowflakes and libtards are going down, you’re either with us, or against us. We’re going to make America great again!” One man said as he adjusted his Maga hat and grabbed his plastic shield. “It’s time for war!”

The year was 2021. In an effort to contain the bloodshed, rioting and war, the Government issued Martial Law. Hopes of restoring order had long diminished and the future of the nation appeared fleeting and intangible.

This Civil war was much different than the first Civil war. In the first war one side was fighting for independence while the other side was fighting for unification. In this war, both sides were fighting for secession.

“What happened to the tenets of liberty, the constitution, our American ideals?!” cried a man to both sides, who were poised in the rainy streets before the culmination of battle. “What happened to the idea that we can have different ideas and still live harmoniously? What happened to…”

Before he could finish, he was shot dead in the street and the ominous words spoken enshrouded the night. “Those days are over.”

The year was 2022. Suffering a military Coup d’etat, the Government had lost a faction of its armed forces to those who decided to either join the efforts of the war upon the unexpected victories of the left (who were originally thought to be fragile snowflakes incapable of wielding firearms.) or simply refused to shoot down citizens in violation of the posse comitatus act.

What happened to the conservative, gun toting, Jesus-loving Christian men and women? Surely their combined forces would’ve expelled the leftists rather quickly and handsomely?

They never joined into the war. All those years the left thought they were all bigots and Nazis, they turned out to prove them wrong. They refused to take up arms in a vacuous, unjustified war.

What happened to the liberal, the atheist, the progressive thinking men and women of reason and logic? Surely they would confront the bigotry of “Team Right” and take up arms to save society from hatred?

They never joined into the war. All those years the right thought they were all standing in solidarity with the radical left, they were wrong. They refused to take up arms in a vacuous, unjustified war.

So who was in the war? Who were the catalyst behind the inevitable fall of the nation? Who were these people who were fighting? Who were these people who were making it impossible for the majority of the country to live their lives in peace?

They were a small fraction of both sides, the fringe, the extremists, they were those who were incapable of compromise, those bereft of reason and logic. They were the faulty caboose whose disproportionate momentum derailed the entire train of civilization.

The year was 2023. Unable to restore order, foreign entities saw an opportunity to gain footing in unstable territory. Many had fled the United States, many joined the war simply to see it end, and others survived how they could until it was over or until they were killed for being fence walkers or complacent.

The previous three years the war saw little intervention from outside parties. Since the occupation of territory by invading, impartial forces took rise, the United States called on NATO and United Nations to draft treaty and end the war.

A war, at this point, no one even remembered how it started or why they were fighting each other. They just knew they hated each other and weren’t going to stop until the other side was vanquished.

Eventually order would be restored and the nation made whole again. The people of this great land would have one thing to remember:

What’s a Cuck? Well, ‘Cuck’ is derived from ‘Cuckold’, which is a man who allows his wife numerous sex partners because he is unable to physically, or otherwise, satisfy her.

Moving on.

Congratulations! You’ve recently had a son and like all Fathers (and Mothers too) you don’t want your son to grow up to be a little pussy who lets other men fuck his wife.

Here is the comprehensive guide to prevent that from happening

Elementary School

It’s a well known fact that public schools have been infiltrated by Marxists who want to indoctrinate and brainwash your children at an early age to ensure your child will be compatible with, and accepting to, a new communist revolution in America.

Their objective with young boys is to emasculate them and make them ashamed of anything remotely masculine. They’ll encourage them to destroy any conventional thinking that relies on normal, time-tested gender roles. In essence they want your boy to be a girl.

Fortunately for parents, with proper leadership they can surmount this egregious attempt at fucking your kid up.

They wont let your kindergartener play with toy guns at school, but luckily real guns are quite easily purchased and most shooting ranges wont care if you bring your 5 year old down to pop off a few rounds.

Your son should be properly introduced to firearms as early as possible. Nothing makes you feel more like a man than shooting the shit out of something.

By the time he’s 9 he should be at a ‘sniper’ level of shooting.

In order to stand a chance against the brainwashing, you have to teach your son that crying is for women, feelings are lame, and that while violence should be avoided, it should never be ruled out completely as a possible outcome.

For example, if you’re hiking through the forest with your 9 year old son and he spots a deer and says “oh, look how cute that deer is”… immediately go to your truck, grab your .30-30 Winchester and explain to your son that he’s not leaving until that deer is dead, cleaned, and in the back of your truck.

Now a lot of people (mostly liberal women) will think this is cruel and unnecessary to make a 9 year old boy kill something and gut it with a hunting knife… but they’ll be the ones who have cuckold sons; your son will grow up to be a KING.

Middle School

Uh oh, your son is at that age where he’s starting to notice girls. Hit the panic button! Right? Wrong.

Feminist losers will try to make your son feel guilty for looking at women, they’ll even call him a rapist if he looks at a woman’s cleavage for more than 3 seconds.

Fear not, we’re here to help.

A young man thinking that a woman is sexy is perfectly normal. Never under any circumstances say or do anything to make him think otherwise.

If you walk into your son’s room and he’s looking at naked women on the internet don’t yell at him and ground him. Instead, tell him about the good sites like redtube and pornhub.

The minute you try to stop him or make him feel guilty is the very instant that you’ve confirmed everything that the feminist Marxists have been trying to brainwash him with for years. He’ll think that looking at naked women is perverted (it’s not, it’s normal), he’ll think that there’s something wrong with him and most likely turn into a cuck one day.

High School

If you’ve instilled discipline, morality and proper gender identification into your son over the past 14 years, then you’re almost home free.

At this point he should know how to be both a chivalrous gentleman as well as a savage beast. They are both necessary to the equilibrium of the male brain… compassion is just as important as aggression. Embrace it. Be a man.

By 14 he should know how to work and what work ethic is and have held at least one summer job. (It’s best to get boys doing physically demanding labor by age 8 to be sure they don’t cuckold one day.)

When he turns 16 make sure he gets his license and has a cool car. Do not buy him one of those gay hybrid energy efficient environmentally sound cars, buy him a gas-guzzling muscle car… the more it pollutes, the better. If you do it right the earth should be 3 degrees hotter from global warming after he’s done driving around 100 different girls by the time he hits college.

College

The best thing to do is to avoid college completely and get your son into a trade school or get him his CDL like a real man. It’s an expensive day-care center riddled with propagandists and Marxists.

But if college is the course of action you feel you must take, so be it. Make sure he hangs out with good lads who routinely reject feminist nonsense and know how to be real men. Make sure he goes to Frat parties, drinks ’til 9am, fuck tons of women and have little to no regard of the feelings of those around him.

Make sure he knows, if anyone calls him a ‘douche bag’ to take it as a compliment because they’re just jealous haters, and haters gonna hate.

Congratulations, your son has avoided becoming a cuckold. You’re welcome.

The two main catalysts to the feminist uprising in our Nation’s history was the fight for a woman’s right to vote (prior to 1919) and, of course, the never-ending argument over who is doing the dishes.

An odd thing happened to Bianca, aged 23, when she noticed that her boyfriend, who recently moved into her apartment with her, did an exceptional job at cleaning the place up.

At first Bianca was satisfied about the shattering of gender roles and her boyfriend’s willingness to do the dishes and scrub the toilets.

A baser instinct must have kicked in, however, when she felt guilty and attempted to help him clean…

He said to her “It’s okay Bianca, I got this, just watch some T.V. and i’ll come join you when I’m finished.” He then jokingly added “haha, I clean better than you anyway.”

She was livid. She knew deep down that it was true. A part of her felt that it was her turf; a thought that must have been instilled in her from years of patriarchal indoctrination.

It was quite the dilemma for the ardent feminist; If she did the cleaning that would be oppressive and misogynistic… but if he cleaned better than her, then that would also be oppressive and misogynistic.

She jumped in and started doing the dishes anyway… she smiled and said “feminism is about equality so we’ll share the chores!” She was very confused and angry, but those were some seriously sparkling ass dishes when she was done.

Jesus is a busy man. Recently, however, he wanted to take a break from checking Facebook posts to see if they met the required number of “likes” in order to heal sick children, to visit a College, relax and do some partying.

He hadn’t been to a College party since the mid 90’s and wanted to relive some of those wild times.

First stop on the Jesus party tour was Amherst College.

“Holy shit, it’s Jesus!” shouted one of the campus’s dudebros.

“Hey guy’s, where’s the party at tonight?” Jesus asked. “We’ll get a keg, scope out the chicks, you know…”

Overhearing the conversation, a shrill, homely feminist approached Jesus and interrupted: “Excuse me Jesus? Did you just refer to women as ‘chicks?!’

A crowd of feminists formed as they began to interrogate Jesus… he thought to himself ‘Jesus Christ, you picked the wrong college bro‘ and slipped away from the angry mob as they turned their attention to the dudebros who were defending him.

Next stop on the Jesus party tour was Berkeley University.

Jesus spotted a small crowd of peeps that looked like they might’ve been down to party.

“Hey man” Jesus asked, “So where are all the good parties happening tonight?”

The bewildered crowd looked stunned, but not because they were in the presence of Jesus himself.

“Man?” asked one of the students. “Jesus, did you just assume this person’s gender?!”

Jesus sighed and said to himself “God damn, you gotta be kidding me.”

Jesus isn’t likely to return to Berkeley anytime soon, because right after he left Antifa showed up and burned the place down carrying signs that said “Jesus is a Fascist”.

The final stop on the Jesus Party Tour was Yale University.

Jesus was determined to find a good campus party, so he decided to tread carefully as to not run into anymore social justice warriors.

Before he could even talk to anyone, a student approached him and demanded to know why he was wearing white robes and sandals.

“You’re appropriating the culture of Muslims and making a mockery of the Umrah pilgrimage by wearing that!” The student exclaimed.

Jesus quickly got away from him and headed to the other side of the campus.

He noticed a pretty young girl who didn’t have a pink Chelsea haircut or hiking boots on and thought to himself hey, maybe this girl is down to party, eh?

She became visibly angry and hostile and made wild accusations against Jesus.

We all see the “Social Justice” crowd explicitly demanding racial equality, but is that what they really want?

If you read between the lines they’re actually white supremacists trying to subliminally indoctrinate white superiority into the minds of would-be progressives to counteract any true progress being made towards a society that predominately houses non-racist beliefs.

You see, while it may seem like they’re attacking the “white man” and trying to divert or dismantle his alleged power, they’re actually reinforcing a very racist idea that he is superior.

It’s a false dichotomy; a double-think reverse psychology tactic— pretend that the white man is superior, make him the enemy, and therefore he becomes superior by proxy. This is their agenda.

It’s a big conspiracy led by covert National Socialist groups who operate from a secret base stationed on the moon.

Bill never realized how easy it was to make his own sandwich. Since his wife (who had recently discovered how much of a feminist she was after years of abysmal servitude) refused to make him a sandwich on ‘International Women’s Day’, he was forced to learn.

“That shit is easy” he told us “It’s just two pieces of bread and you throw some crap in the middle and bada-bing-bada-boom you’re done.”

After discovering how easy it was, Bill started questioning his need to have a wife at all.

“What good is she for? I mean, if I gotta make my own sandwiches, why do I need her?” He debated with himself. “I mean, look at me, I’m a prized catch, I could be out there scoring 21 year old girls all the time.”

Bill made an excellent point. Being as athletic and handsome as he most certainly is, why should he settle for a wife who refuses to make him a damn sandwich?

Bill plans to call a divorce lawyer tomorrow, right after he makes himself a gnarly sandwich.