The White Album (2000)

The reason you should go to Las Vegas is because, for only the second time, the second time, ever, they have rebuilt Sodom and Gomorrah. It's back!! And you have the opportunity to see it before it turns to salt. And you wanna get out there before the Christian Right finds out what we're up to and shits all over it.

I love New York City. The reason I live in New York City is because it's the loudest city on the planet Earth. It's so loud I never have to listen to any of the shit that's going on in my own head. It's really loud. They literally have guys come with jackhammers and they drill the streets and just leave cones in front of your apartment. You don't even know why. Garbage men come. They don't pick up the garbage. They just bang the cans together. And if your block's too quiet, they actually hire a guy who wanders around going, "FUCK ME! FUCK ME! FUCK ME!" ... That was the first job I ever had.

The people who told us about sun block were the same people who told us, when I was a kid, that eggs were good. So I ate a lot of eggs. Ten years later they said they were bad. I went, "Well, I just ate the eggs!" So I stopped eating eggs, and ten years later they said they were good again! Well, then I ate twice as many, and then they said they were bad. Well, now I'm really fucked! Then they said they're good, they're bad, they're good, the whites are good, th-the yellows - make up your mind! It's breakfast I've gotta eat!

Is oral sex adultery? Yes! That's the end of the fucking argument. There's nothing to discuss. If curling is an Olympic sport, then oral sex is adultery. And oral sex should be an Olympic sport. I would like to see that. Ice skating, then blowjobs. I certainly would stay through whatever commercials they had. I think oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it's harder than curling ever has been. And if you're any good at it, you deserve a medal.

I don't know if you know about pilots. The way in which our country generates television, they take one episode, one, and then they take that episode, produce it, and show it to a room filled with monkeys. And if the monkeys don't shit themselves, you might have a hit!

The End of the Universe (2002)

I'd rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You're sitting essentially in an out house and it's 30 below. You've cut a hole in the ice, and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

When they [N'Sync and Aerosmith] played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so hideous that I cannot describe them to you, or you will flee from the room!

It [The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.

Or you'll get on your cell phone, which is really smart. "Oh I'm gonna be late!" That's fuckin smart: to drive with one of those fuckin things in your hand. It's bad enough that people are in supermarkets -- "Honey, I love you." FUCK YOU, okay? Shut-up! I'm trying to buy a tomato, okay, got it? I'm even carrying mine, this piece of shit. This is Sprint. [someone cheers] Oh.. FUCK SPRINT. okay? You work for those idiots, I need to talk to you. "Every call is crystal clear." Yeah, right: to yourself! You can hear you!

Taxed Beyond Belief (2002)

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

On the American tax code

Some of these people have come up with some very elaborate arguments [for not paying taxes]. For instance, there were these guys, in Indiana and Nebraska, and they argued that Indiana and Nebraska weren't states, which was a pretty valid argument in the late 1700s. But in 1995 and '96, well, I saw a map and at that time, trust me, Indiana and Nebraska are shitholes, but they're states. I saw them! They were right there in the middle someplace. I may not be able to point them out immediately, but I know they're there.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

Rules of Enragement (2003)

I didn't fucking spend my time living through the era of Vietnam to fucking come around to this fucking time and not having learned that the goddamn situation boils down to this: If you're against the war it doesn't mean that you're f-for the other side! If people show up with signs that go, "GO IRAQ, YOU FUCKERS GO!" then you go, "Holy Shit," then you beat the fuck out of them.

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

We exhaust ourselves worrying about our health. We're obsessed with it. We worry about our health and when we worry about our health, guess what? We're not fucking healthy! We're so worried about our health that we are now the fattest group of fucks on the planet Earth! "Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!"

Health clubs aren't healthy in New York City, which has the most stairs of anywhere in the country. People pay money to go to a health club and use a stair master. When you live in a city, that has nothing but stairs and you pay money to use special stairs, that is not healthy behavior. It's fucking PSYCHOTIC!

They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." ... Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!

Black on Broadway (2004)

Tom Ridge... is someone who has the leadership qualities of a gerbil. He was a part of coming up with is known as the color coded system of security. You know, orange, and yellow, and what ever the fuck the others are. And what's stupid about it is they have the color coding. LIKE WE'RE IN FUCKIN' ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!! There's no need for that. Because every time they tell us what the color is, then they have to fuckin' explain it, so get rid of the fuckin' color! Simplify it. There should be three levels of security: "Jesus Christ," "God damn it!," "FUCK ME!"

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice. But they couldn't sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually... start to gag. Know how come I know there's no such thing as soy milk? Because there's no soy titty, is there?

Is milk good or bad?... I rest my case. You don't know. You don't know anymore, and a lot of you are sitting there thinking "Fuck, I'm an adult and I don't need to drink that shit anymore!"

Now you don't know, because when you go down the aisle of the grocery store, the milk aisle goes on for-fuckin-ever. There's one percent, two percent, low fat, skim, acidophilus milk: What the fuck are you talking about? Acidophilus milk? Milk doesn't need a friend. That shit belongs in the yogurt section!

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.

Nothing’s Sacred (2005)

Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.

This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are.... and when I find you I am going to kill you.

How our government works... it doesn't.

The only thing dumber than a Democrat or a Republican is when those pricks work together. You see, in our two-party system, the Democrats are the party of no ideas and the Republicans are the party of bad ideas. It usually goes something like this. A Republican will stand up in Congress and say, "I've got a really bad idea." And a Democrat will immediately jump to his feet and declare, "And I can make it shittier."

I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday. You're wearing a costume and people are giving you pennies and you're going, "Well, give me some candy, you fuck." And the grown-ups tell you, "Absolutely not. You've got your pennies. Now go build a village, you little shit." It still brings a tear to my eye.

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it's so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing "Kol Nidre," one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and shit aren't flying around.

The Catholics have it right. I love what they do. That whole "the pope's infallible" thing is tremendous. Let's face facts: If you took somebody with no religious leanings whatsoever and locked that person in a psych ward with nobody around and no stimuli, the Catholic church is exactly what he'd come up with. "Listen to this. There's this old guy in a dress, see? He wears all these great costumes and wherever he says about anything from birth control to what to watch on television, that's it, 'cause pope knows best. He can't lift his head up, but, fuck, he's a genius.

Luther Burbank Performing Arts Center Blues (2005)

When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they'd remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin' true.

You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence... what it does... it's illegal!

The Pledge of Allegiance, ultimately, is coffee for elementary school students. "...And to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. FUCK, I'm at SCHOOL!"

Music is like a drug; when you hear it, you have a vision. And that vision can change over time or remain the same. You know, that first time you’re in love and you hear a love song and every time you think about it you have that vision of your special someone. And then two years later, after you broke up, you’re at the bar. And you hear that song and you go, "Son of a bitch... I’ll have a Jaeger."

But what about the children, Lewis? I can hear some of you asking. What about the children? It's more disturbing to hear adults talking about having seen a tit as shocking and disturbing and indecent than it is for children to see one.

Last Laugh ‘05 (2005)

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

The argument we have about abortion is not about abortion. It's about when life begins. And we argue it, and we argue, and we argue! And I say we take all the people who think they know and yell and scream and they're sure when life begins and they're sure when life ends, and we lock them in a room. And we tell them to figure it out. And they don't come out until they do. And if they can't, then we kill them.

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.

The Carnegie Hall Performance (2006)

I don't know if you realize, but I use the word "Fuck," so that I can think of other stuff.

Maybe there are a group of gay banditos... who, every night climb into a van and go from village to dell, from community to community. They wander, and as the sun is coming down, just setting over a suburban village, the gays drive in. And there in a cul-de-sac, there in the light of a house, you can see a young American family, sitting down for their evening meal. And those gays... put on their masks and their festive colored robes, and sneak slowly into the house... and begin to FUCK EACH OTHER IN THE ASS! And another American family is destroyed!!

[On Yom Kippur] The rabbi intones that today is the day that God will put your name in the Book of Life... or the Book of DEATH. I'm five, and I'm going, "Uhhh, what the fuck is that? The book of WHAT?!?" Death? Death was not anything that had ever occurred to me. My greatest fear was that my parents were going to leave me in a grocery store.

I was on CNN in Atlanta at one o'clock in the afternoon because apparently everybody else was asleep, and they asked me what I thought of CNN and I said, "I liked CNN until you started that writing on the bottom." I don't know why it's there. Why do you put writing on a television set? We watch TV... BECAUSE WE DON'T WANNA READ! We want somebody to read the shit to us so we can close our eyes and touch our nuts!

iPod [sic] now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.

Red, White, and Screwed (2006)

I was home alone watching George Bush speak on television. So it was just really the two of us. And as I listened to him, I realized, that one of us... Was nuts! And for the first time ever, I went, "Wow, it's not me!"

Here's why I think there's something a little odd with George [Bush]. Because a lot of the times when he speaks, his words don't match his face. Something is askew. You can't talk about the war with a smile on your face. He does it constantly. IF you're the President, you should go "We're going to talk about the war, I must have a frowny face." The only time you can smile when you're talking about the war in Iraq is when you go, "Well, two Iraqis walk into a bar, hahaha."

I would love to have the faith to believe that the world was created in seven days... but I have thoughts... and that can really fuck up the faith thing, just ask any Catholic priest.

Dick Cheney. That's all I've got to say.

"Equestrian," by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called "Two Equestrians."

Last Laugh ‘06 (2006)

Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.

Christians... get Christmas under control. Seriously. It it it it it it won't stop! It doesn't stop does it? It's always Christmas now! Make it the whole year! It's the only time you pricks are happy!

Anticipation (2008)

There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!

We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think "Aw, it's gonna be shitty." NO! You say "This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!" And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking "You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!"

I believe that the way in which we should truly live is we should think about what we're going to do, and then not do it. Your boss comes in on Monday and goes, "Hey! You're my go-to guy — I need a report by Friday." You go, "I'll get right on it, chief!" And then you head back to your desk and you put your feet up and you spend the week thinking about it. And then he comes in on Friday and goes, "Where's my report?" And you say, with a big grin on your face, "I didn't do it!" And he goes, "Why not?" and then you say, "Because I didn't want to disappoint you!"

Or... if you actually waited until you were married to lose your virginity, because you are so much a better person than the sniveling snot that we are, you were able to do that, because you were able to wait through everything, through all those feelings, all those hormones, all of that, you could wait, until that night to make love to (for the first time) to the person that you are gonna make love to for the rest of your life, because you are a gambler on a level that I have never fuckin' imagined! My hat is off to you! Wow! What courage!

[On Las Vegas audiences] Those audiences are wonderful. Talk about the most bitter group of people on the planet Earth! For one brief shining moment, I am Mr. Happy!