Saturday, December 31, 2011

Friday, December 30, 2011

If I hear one more person tell me that "the Post Office jumps are like way hella gnarly and they're the biggest steepest gnarliest jumps ever" I will accelerate their death.

They are steep. Congratulations. I'm mailing out your medal tomorrow, it should be down there early next week. Congratulations, mountain biking has one set of steep jumps in the whole world.

Yes, it's cool that they are dug by mountain bikers. Yes they look like fun to ride. Yes, you are good at riding your bikes. But, if you have everyone in the world come dig there and you have access to machinery, guess what? No, I'm not blown away by your "core" scene. This just in, you've had the same six hips for five years. Oh, you stacked them slightly taller and steeper every year? Great. Again, your medal is in the mail.

Besides, if you've had the same played out hips at your trails for five years and you've only made slight changes and made them slightly taller, but you still take tons of photographs and video of them and expect people to be excited about your minimal progress, you're not the first person to do that. There's already a blog about a set of jumps just like that.

Your jumps are not the biggest or scariest jumps ever. Consult the above picture of the post office. Then find me an angle where the jump pictured below looks mellow:

As for the biggest ever, you have 12 jumps on a small tract of land on a slight incline with a roll-in of finite height. That finite height is roughly nine feet tall. BREAKING NEWS: your nine foot roll in is going to be a limiting factor in your candidacy for the SICKEST JUMPS EVER award.

And another thing. Brandon Semenuk's cork 7's at ham and steeze were sick. So was Mike Montgomery's stupid huge huck transfer to almost flat. Actually your jumps look like a lot of fun. That said, if I see another winter time edit of random people "flowing" through the post office at sunset getting "steezy" and showing what the "no dig no ride" scene is all about at "the office" I will do exactly the same thing I always do: not watch. Consider yourself warned.

To all the bro'd out locals at the post office that think they're the only people in the entire world who have ever built a jump: You're from California. You suck.

To all the bike tourists who come back from the post office and tell me how amazing they are: You may or may not be from California. You suck.

To anyone still doing whatever this trick is called: If you're not from California you probably wish you were. You suck.

classic pinkbike: "Probably a noob question, but why are there bmx only spots?"

Riding someone else's trail spot is a sacred privilege. You must ask permission. Plan on being told no, or just having the digger pretend like he has no idea what you're talking about. Do not bring firends. Do not bring cameras. Don't mention it to your friends or family. Do not post about your "sick sesh" on facebook. Do not blog about them. Never tell anyone where they are, and lie about what city and state they're in. You do not skid. You do not case. If you have to hurt yourself to avoid skidding, don't skid. Before you even think about riding, water everything. If you have to walk two miles to get water, walk two miles to get water. Never walk on lips. Never walk on landings. Don't speak to the trail builders or their friends until spoken to. Probably don't even make eye contact. Apologize for everything all the time, and ask what you can work on while they ride. Plan on spending at least an hour not talking and shoveling some other project while the builders and their friends ride, drink, don't help you, and generally enjoy themselves. It's about respect; they deserve yours, and you deserve none. They build with dirt, and you are less than dirt. You are nothing. Maybe if you come and help dig and show up for every dig session for two years they'll address you as a peer. Probably not. If you break these rules you will be yelled at, made fun of, shunned, banished, shot, stabbed, buried alive, or have your tires slit.

The reason BMXers hate mountain bikers is because mountain bikers do not understand these simple, obvious truths.

Team Robot will continue to run Shimano parts for 2012, and for that and not sucking Shimano earns their place on the TEAM ROBOT DO NOT KILL LIST.

FACT: Shimano doesn't just buy CNC's and machine tools. When they need to make cranks or hubs or whatever in a new way that no industrial manufacturer has done, they build their own robots. Shimano and Team Robot: building robots to crush your shitty team since a long time ago.

Also Verg's buddy Metal Mike from Montana showed me Death for the first time. Hit the snowflake button on the youtube video, it's a nice heart warming addition to Death's classic "Zombie Ritual."

Bob asked me if people can lose their place on the DO NOT KILL list. Robots are not slaves to any agreements with humans. We enforce the do not kill list at our leisure. Cory Tepper, you're back in the kill pile for listening to lil wayne.

Nice try but robots have 3 inch thick steel armor, Cory. The only good that shotgun will do is to help you scoop your brains out of your skull before the metal robot claws can do it for you.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Some clown on pinkbike sent me this and I was so blown away by his lack of common sense that I needed to have a laugh.

-Alex"

FROM HIM:Whats up with the shock? $100/ Why? I work at a shop in NYC and rebuild front and rear suspension on a regular basis. Please tell me what needs to be done with the O2-RCX. How many rides and drops did it see? Do you have the bottom mounting hardware. I am friends with a couple of those X-fusion guys, so I will send the shock out if needed. Yes, I am interested. Thank you.

MY REPLY TO HIM:

Dear Friend,The shock, my 02-RCX, is an inadimate object this makes it tough to know exactly whats up with the shock. The shock is $100 because it is priced to sell. I cant imagine how much fun it is to live in NYC and to be able to rebuild both front and rear suspension--lucky! To answer your question, "what needs to be done to the 02-RCX" I would say whatever you like. Though the shock has eyelets it does not have eyes. Therefore, im not certain how to answer your question "how many rides and drops did it see". FYI my manual dexterity is superb, as must be yours since you rebuild front and rear suspension on a regular basis, I have never lost a hold of the shock--resulting in me dropping it. I do not have the bottom mounting hardware. In all likelihood you would not want said hardware because it mit not fit your frame--I work for NASA and we make our own bikes. I think it is cool that you are friends with those X-fusion guys. Are we friends? The reason I ask is I went ahead and used "Hello Friend" as the salutation. If this greeting is too informal for Pinkbike I apologize my friend.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Metallica in a sentence: Their old stuff was the best ever, and now they suck.

San Hill in a sentence: His old riding was the best ever, and now he sucks.

No, I don't mean his riding sucks now, I mean he sucks. I was looking for a photo of his gold chain/green Monster Energy mohawk combo from Champery Worlds to make my point, but my search stopped when I found this gem:

That pretty much sums it up. Maybe he always wanted to be a tatted up, monster logo'd juggalo wannabe. Maybe he always wanted to dress like a high school dropout on unemployment with 3 kids, but he couldn't afford to back in his early pro days. Who knows?

This new pumptrack berm took one day to build. And by one day, I mean we didn't get started until about 2:30 pm and it gets dark at, like, noon. That means we built it in negative two and a half hours. So basically you suck.

The other reason you suck is because you like pumptracks. You probably think pumptracks are the new thing because they're all over the internet and Decline and everybody talks about them. You probably got excited when you read that I was building one.

Pumptracks are the lowest version of dirt moving. If you are too lazy to build a real trail, and too much of a pussy to build a set of jumps, you build a pumptrack. Mark Wier invented pumptracks, like he invented super-D, because he couldn't win XC or downhill. That's a scientific fact, I read it on the internet. Because you suck at all three of these activities, you probably also get stoked about pumptracks. Plus, they're great for "skill building." You know what else is great for skill building? Ride your bike up the tallest hill or mountain available, then ride back down it. Repeat as necessary.

Alternatively, you could build a pumptrack. When it's done, you and your non-existent friends will ride around in circles for about two weeks before you realize that:

A) you suck at building pumptracksB) robotsC) you're tired of going around in circles like an idiot. Going in endless circles for hours can be fun when you're driving 800 horsepower V8 death machines, swapping paint with a bunch of rednecks at 200 mph. When you're alone on your bike, not as much.

Ultimately, pumptracks are not that sweet. My goal is to prove this. I am going to build a pumptrack way cooler than yours to prove that even a robot-engineered punmptrack is not half as fun as a puny, human-built set of jumps.

If robots had hearts then we would probably love this guy, he shreds, and he isn't a total boner like a lot of guys with that much talent.its pretty sweet that he is back from injury, the season coverage was seriously lacking enough of his stupid interviews and super sketchy race runs.Not sure if he is still on the MS EVIL team he is definetly riding a yeti but evil doesn't have a trail bike so that doesn't help, really hope he has a ride for next season.DH1 and the UCI need this guy.pfunk

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I submit for your viewing: Drew Bezanson. If you saw any one of these clips going down in person, your head would explode. Make sure to watch until the banger at the end, and then enjoy watching everyone in the room have their brains melt out their ears on camera.

Sure, there are a bunch of mind-numbingly complex tailwhip/barspin/footjam maneuvers, but the guy just plain goes HUGE. He's topping out his gearing indoors, and he's ducking to avoid hitting his head on the twenty foot ceilings.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Here's a transcript of a conversation me and Bobby Stenson had tonight:

hypnosis and synopsis were sick as shitBUTBUT BUT

they don't involve the following:1. steve peat riding moto without a helmet2. steve peat riding a moto with a cast on his foot3. steve peat smoking a cigar drinking beer watching people ride minibikes at his event

(gave up on numbering the list here) Steve Peat with a mustache and the word c*** on his broken finger, drunk

its a bit of a c***!!!but i don't carei'll come back next weekend and kick all your asses!

I think this picture of Robin Wallner at this year's Val di Sole round of the World Cup explains a lot. They say a picture is worth a thousand words. I agree.

Data point #1: So here's the thing: Old Rob here is way out of control. He definitely didn't intend to find himself in this position. Sure, he's committed, and he might even ride this one out, but it sure looks like his shoulder is headed towards that tree, and who knows when his back tire's gonna hook up again.

Data point #2: Sweden is one of the most socialist countries in the World. Robin Wallner is from Sweden. Robin is also running Schwalbe tires, which were made by godless socialists in Germany. His godless, socialist tires aren't hooking up too well, are they?

Data point #3: This root ball is the site of the huge gnarly mid-track root gap at Val di Sole. Instead of being a pussy, Aaron Gwin gapped it, with an American flag on his back, and won his fifth World Cup of the season. Aaron was winning on a set of Maxxis tires, which were made where all good American products come from: Asia. His capitalist tires hooked up sick. Argue that, it's science.

I think we can all conclude that Socialism sucks and America is #1. I rest my case.

No, I don't rest my case. Here's even more damning evidence about the real costs of socialism. Let's think about the Canadian Goose:

Canadian Geese hail from the great, White, Godless, Socialist North. Sure, Canada isn't as Socialist as Mao's China, but compared to the paragon of freedom that exists south of their border, they might as well be run by the Ruskies. So, Canada tries to set up this socialist utopia. They have higher, more progressive tax rates, a greater welfare state, more gov't control of the economy and society, etc. And these Canadian, or should I say Socialist, Geese are always bragging about how great their system is. But what do they do?

They come vacation in America for half the year! If their system is so great, maybe they should just put their money where their mouth is. If America's so evil and divisive, why are they always taking advantage of our free trade, and our sun, and our freedoms? And here's more food for thought, without our economy, those Canadian Socialist Geese wouldn't even have the money to support their fledgling socialist utopia. Yeah, Canada, you're welcome. I said it.

I'd like to think that when they asked Kovarik to go film, he wasn't really into it, so he just took the film guy on some normal runs. I'd like to think this is what an average Tuesday looks like for Chris.

When they asked him what music he wanted in the video, he said "WHAT?" and took the headphones out of his ear.

Video guy: "What music do you want in the video we're filming?"

Kovarik: (pulls I-pod out of pocket, looks down to read the name of the song he's listening to) "This one should work, old mate."

Friday, December 2, 2011

Once again, Alex Rankin delivers the movie with the best action from the world cup. I don't want to see the shots from all the $10,000 cameras set up on tripods and platforms and cranes and ziplines that freecaster littered the course from top to bottom with. I want to see the shots from some english bloke wandering around trackside with his camera in his hand. No one captures the action on and off course better than Alex Rankin. Period.

How does he do it? How is he always in exactly the right place at the right time? Whether trackside filming Gee almost die at 3:02 or catching Ratboy in rare form... later in the trailer... Rankin gets the shots no one else can. The Parkinsons have twice as many people on the hill, and they can't hold a candle the awesome and terrifying power of Rankin. I talked with Clay Porter recently, and he said his budget for 3MinuteGaps was, like, $25 million, and he still only captured maybe 5 minutes of actual race footage in the whole movie. The rest was timelapses of twilight and slow-mo cable cam close ups of Dan Atherton's face. What is Rankin's secret?

He is one of us. Rankinbot 3000 was designed and built in the Robot Mothership specifically for DH filming, and for that purpose, he was engineered perfectly. Unfortunately, he does have some major defective hardwiring in his toothbrushing circuits, his speaking-with-a clear-American-accent circuit, and his making-a-new-movie-every-year-without-taking-4-years-off-after-Earthed-Five circuit. We are working to overcome some of those problems, but we feel that Rankinbot has performed well enough that we feel comfortable overlooking some of these flaws.

Rankinbot's secret weapon is his complex robot algorithms that determine where to be filming before, during and after races, and how to edit the clips he gets. These algorithms are top secret, but here's a quick sample of how his hardwiring allows him to navigate the in and outs and what-have-yous of World Cup filming:

INQUIRY: Take all of practice setting up a huge boom cam/roller cam/zip line so that I can get exactly the same shot 80 times during finals?RESPONSE: NEGATIVE

INQUIRY: Ask riders where the gnarliest shit on the track is, then go film there and get dick-crushing drifts, saves and crashes?RESPONSE: AFFIRMATIVE

INQUIRY: Only interview riders in a sterile, contrived situation, and use the same tired interview technique/format for every rider, for like seven films in a row?RESPONSE: NEGATIVE

INQUIRY: Constantly alternate between close ups and full body shots and tire shots and slow mo shots and full speed shots and sped up shots so that the viewer has no freaking clue what's going on, and play Rage against the Machine?RESPONSE: NEGATIVE

INQUIRY: Make sure to hang out with the race winner when he gets drunk before the race/the night after/the next morning/all of the above?RESPONSE: AFFIRMATIVE