Alone And In Need Of Support...

My mental 'instability' has been progressively getting out of hand and these past few months have been a whole new kind of hell. Whatever sort of horrid depression I'm going through is starting to make me very sick -- literally, physically ill -- and my mood swings are becoming more frequent and much more intense. I've come to the point where I'm terrified of myself when I'm in an episode, especially after I come down from one (for the brief time that I do), because I'm scared of what I could have done and I'm scared of feeling like that -- whatever kind of episode it may be: I hate feeling out of control in the high moods and I'm afraid of the low moods like hell because it gives me a different kind of sense of being out of control that I don't even really know how to describe...

Fuck, you'd think it's enough that I already hate myself but now every reason why I hate myself contributes to my depression even more greatly, or triggers an episode. Like my body. That's what aggitates my mood cycles the most is my body. I can't look in a full-length mirror or take a shower or be in an intimate situation without being sent into a depressed episode, which would domino-effect little by little because of other triggers into a severely low state-of-mind. My scars have pretty much the same effect on me too. Of course soon as I see them I'm driven to create more -- which in retrospect hardly makes sense to add to something that's bringing me down but they're already there, why not make more, yeah?! ( <-- my sarcastically pathetic logic).

And of course, there's the times when I don't even have triggers. It's suprising, really, that those moments are more heavy. I'm mostly always feeling suicidal -- though it's often thinly masked by some sort of manic swing, if I'm not depressed -- but when I'm so fucking low that I can't think of anything but suicide, there's no trigger. Not even any I can make out in hindsight. That's probably one of the worst things for me to deal with, even aside from my self-image issues and my rapid mood cycles: I could be having an amazingly complacent and agreeable day (all things given) and at any moment I could be overwhelmed with the deperate urge to off myself with whatever resources I have at the time. It's the scariest thing, being in a somewhat mellow mood -- which is rare enough itself -- and knowing that at any moment you can fall so hard...

But really the sad thing here is that these fricking boards are the only place I can find just a minute sort of solace anymore. My therapist makes feel more depressed as soon as I walk out of a session; none of my friends talk to me now, including my best girlfriend who's given up on me; my boyfriend doesn't take me seriously; and my mum, who I've tried to talk to about all of this on many occasions, doesn't take me seriously either and most often snickers at me as if I were a small child failing miserably at something. Or maybe I'm just that pathetic. Hm. Maybe I am. Because really, y'know, locking yourself in the bathroom for over an hour and just sitting in the corner in near fetal position isn't pathetic at all ( <-- wark sarcasm).

I'm so close to just saying 'fuck it' and giving in to damn temptation. I want to. I want to so fucking bad... I guess the fact that I haven't already is proof of whatever twisted sort of masochist I have become. That and for some forsaken reason, I'm afraid...

Ugh... I barely even remembered what all I typed, but I really just need support at the moment and sense I can't get that from anyone else right now, I've turned to SF... (Tch. Which I suppose is the purpose of the site anyway...)

Is your therapist a psychiatrist? (Do they have an MD?) I imagine not if they haven't already tried medications, and if they aren't I'd recommend you try and talk to a psychiatrist about your issues. In all likelihood there are therapies and medications that can help make your highs lower and your lows higher.

If you just want to talk there's a large amount of people here that are open to that. I'll talk to you if you want, but I'm rather clinical so you may prefer other people if you want to talk.

Honestly, I'm not sure if my therapist has an MD or whatever -- she's just a psychologist.

She and my doctor have both brought up on many occasions that they think some medications would help me immensly, however I'm not sold on the idea. My body has a low tolerance for drugs -- and given my physical health, there are certain ones I can't take anyway.

Plus, I'm reluctant to try them in general since I've never really been on anything besides antibiotics once in a blue moon and tylonel.

Of course you're afraid man. It's self preservation. But for some, there arrives a point where the pain overcomes the self preservation. That's suicide. Its an escape if anything. Sometimes people will refer to a person who was sick as 'just being tired of fighting' when they died... and yet some people still recover. Sometimes the body endures when the mind has given up.

Shit's rough man. Sometimes I feel like I'm just pushing on out of spite. For who or what, I don't know. I guess its a way.