Children’s bereavement and a recent poll of grieving kids

On Saturday, March 31st I appeared on Good Day Street Talk with two families from my center, Good Grief. The segment demonstrates how two kids grieving the death of their dads approach grief differently. From a mom who had a heart attack at the wake and was unable to support her three children as they buried their dad to a daughter who likes to “hold it all in” and protect her mother, these compelling stories demonstrate the individual characteristics of a child’s grief.

Children talk about their grief in different ways depending on their development, emotional maturity, and support systems. Below is a national poll of bereaved children, which includes data from Good Grief. As you’ll see, 75% said they still feel sad and more than half don’t feel understood.

National Poll of Bereaved Children & Teenagers

The following results are from a national poll of 531 bereaved children and teenagers 18 years and under who are grieving the death of a parent or sibling, conducted by local Grief Support Centers throughout the United States in conjuction with the New York Life Foundation and the National Alliance for Grieving Children.*

Results indicate that the support of family and friends is most helpful to grieving children and friends; and that, although grief is mentally and emotionally difficult, most children and teenagers want to continue to live life and are hopeful about their own future.

Check out what children and teenagers have to say…

Family and Home Life

When asked what the most helpful things were after the death of their family member, 55% said spending time with family.

71% said that the adult(s) they live with gave help and support to them after the death, with 43% also saying that the adult in their life spent enough time with them.

47% said that since the death of their family members they try not to make things any harder for their guardian.

33% said that their current guardian has found it hard to “talk to me about personal stuff.”

Friends and Others

When asked what the most helpful things were after the death of their family member, 59% said spending time with friends.

54% said that their friends were very helpful and supportive after the death and 49% said that their friends treated them just like they always had.

52% said that talking to their friends about the death of their family member is hard.

Grief Reactions

46% cannot believe it is true.

75% say the pervading emotion they currently feel is sadness, with feeling angry, alone, overwhelmed and worried being top other emotions.

86% said that they wish they had more time with their loved one, with 69% saying that they wish they could talk to their loved one, just one more time.

39% have trouble sleeping.

45% said they have more trouble concentrating on school work.

41% said that they have acted in ways that they knew might not be good for them, either physically, mentally or emotionally.

34% indicated they said hurtful things to others after the death.

47% believe their life will be harder than it will be for other people.

73% said that they think about their loved one every day.

Things that are Helpful

In addition to spending time with friends and family, other helpful activities indicated were…

Listening to music (49%)

Staying busy (46%)

Going to a grief group (42%)

Talking to others who’ve gone through the same thing (41%).

Grieving Children and Teenagers Want Others to Know

62% – that they would give a year of their life to spend just one more day with the person who died.

58% – that you should be nice to the people you love because you don’t know how long you will have them in your life.

55% – that they really miss the person who died, but that they are not sad all the time.

46% – that if you haven’t had a family member die, you don’t know how they feel.

Grieving Children and Teenagers Agree

71% – that you never stop missing the people you love who die.

68% – that the death of their family member was the worst thing that ever happened to them.

60% – that most people don’t understand what it is like to have a family member die when you are young.

63% – that people don’t have to “give me special treatment; I just want to be treated like everyone else.”

Remembering and Honoring the Person Who Died

71% remember and honor the person who died by keeping photos or special things that belonged to the person who died; 65% by enjoying life and having fun; 54% by doing things their family member liked to do; and 53% by remembering and telling stories about the good times they had together.

What Children and Teenagers Have Learned Through Grief

The top two things children said the death of their family member has taught them is 1) How important my family is to me (78%) and 2) Life is not fair (72%)

Grief Support Groups and Counseling

76% said that what they like the most about the grief group/counseling is 1) Meeting other people who are going through grief like them (76%), and 2) Making some new friends (62%).

The subject of children and grief continues to be one that evokes strong emotion and anxiety in us. During a recent weekend shift at the hospital where I work, I was reminded of how important it is to be honest about death with children. I arrived at work to be told that a woman in her forties had suffered a massive stroke and was in the process of being declared legally brain dead in ICU. The patient’s husband was extremely distraught as was everyone gathered. It came to my attention that the patient had a five year old daughter who knew her mother was sick but did not know she was dying. There were as many opinions as people in the room: some thought it best that she not see her mother, in a coma, hooked up to tubes and machines. Others wondered whether she should come to say goodbye. When some family members approached me to ask what they should do, I said I did not know. I, too, felt torn. However, I said I would call a counsellor at hospice and run it by her. When I spoke with the child and youth counsellor, I had worked with years ago, she gently reinforced everything I knew to be true but was feeling anxiety about. She suggested we give the patient’s daughter a choice and that someone close to her explain in straightforward terms, that her mom was dying. The counsellor asked if the child had lost a pet in the past or a grandparent so that there would be a point of reference. A prior experience with loss. When her uncle went to see her and offered her the choice to come to the hospital, the child did not hesitate: she wanted to say goodbye to her mother.

It is natural for us to want to protect children from tough things. We hope, with the best of intentions, that things will just get better on their own. It’s tough weighing two difficult things: in this case, was it worse for the girl’s mother to simply “disappear” and her daughter remember her as she was? Or, was it worse for her to see her mother in a situation where she could no longer respond?

The girl accompanied her dad into the ICU cubicle; she talked to her mom, told her she loved her; she talked about the dog she had lost and asked her mom to look after it. She said she knew that her grandmother and mom were together and she cried when she told her mom how sad she was and asked her if she could go with her. For a couple of hours, the child went between a family room, where she drew pictures for her mom, and the ICU cubicle. People cried and laughed in the room. It was not the child who needed to be brave; it was the adults – family members, doctors, nurses, counsellors – who needed to trust that we were not infllicting damage and that while nothing on earth was going to take the child’s pain away, it seemed, watching her surrounded by family, included in the last hours of her mother’s life, that we had all made the right decision.

"An impressive, meaningful, and often courageous chorus of voices tackling a once-taboo subject with dignity..."

-- PUBLISHERS WEEKLY

"Truly gripping narratives that illuminate a hard truth about death in our culture: it is always so complicated, so much thornier than we think. ... [The] authors, and editor Lee Gutkind, deserve credit for being unsparingly honest about doctoring, about decision-making, about their own ambivalent emotions. They have a lot to teach us."