Wishing For A Baby

A place to view information, share stories and find comfort as you travel down the path of infertility.

Infertility

What it Feels Like

This material was prepared by Ferre Institute, Inc., a non-profit
organization dedicated to promoting the health of individuals and
families by providing information and education on genetics,
infertility, environmental exposures, and family health history.

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want
you to understand my struggle.
I know that understanding infertility is
difficult; there are times when it seems even I don’t understand. This
struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear
that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my
ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share
my feelings with you. I want you to understand.

You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed,
envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical.
These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my
infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe me this way: confused,
rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed,
angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My Infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile.
I’ve spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can’t
conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution
such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be
pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try
longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my
infertility only after I’d been trying to become pregnant for some time.
My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent
and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments,
wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my
partner not to be out of town, and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have
only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish
having my family?

My Infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns,
and I’m frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will
this last? What if I’m never a parent? What humiliation must I endure?
What pain must I suffer? Why do the drugs I take to help me, make me
feel worse? Why can’t my body do the things that my mind wants it to do?
Why do I hurt so much? I’m afraid of my feelings, afraid of my
undependable body, and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are
everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I
stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows
how horrible my pain is. Even though I’m usually a clear thinker, I find
myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I’m losing
perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I’ll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget
that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one.
Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure.Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy
of a baby? Am I not a good sexual partner? Will my partner want to
remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be
ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I
know much of my anger is misdirected. I’m angry at my body because it
has betrayed me even thought I’ve always taken care of it. I’m angry at
my partner because we can’t seem to feel the same about infertility at
the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me.

I’m angry at my family because they’ve always sheltered and protected me
from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a
family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to
pass down family heirlooms. I’m angry at my medical caregivers, because
it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain
on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am.
How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me?

I’m angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive.
My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance
company isn’t cooperative , and I must make so many sacrifices to pay
the medical bills. I can’t go to a specialist, because it means more
travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I’m angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

My Infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I’ve lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I’ve never cried so much nor so easily. I’m sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I’m sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I’m sad that I've ignored any friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I’m surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids’ movies, birthday parties, and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless.

My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can’t decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and house guests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.

Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I’m learning some helpful ways to
cope; I’m now convinced I’m not crazy, and I believe I’ll survive. I’m
learning to listen to my body and be assertive, not aggressive, about my
needs. I’m realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are
not necessarily found in the same place. I’m trying to be more than an
infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.

In today’s world, many children are
conceived through
assisted reproductive
techniques. This raises the
issue of whether to disclose this
information to family, friends, and
most importantly, the child. There is
much controversy as to whether it
is a child’s right to know his or her
genetic heritage. This delicate issue
of disclosure needs to be decided by
parents; especially as science and
medicine continue to delve into the
genetic inheritance of disease.

It can be very difficult for parents to
know how and when to disclose this
information. They may delay telling
their child because they don’t know
how to broach the subject, the time
never seems right, or they may be
afraid of their child’s reaction. Some
literature shows there may be a
real advantage to giving information
regarding conception to a child
at a young age. This prevents the
emotional upset that could occur if
a child accidentally discovers or is
told later in life that he or she was
conceived in an alternative way. It
is especially devastating to find out
as an adult that one or both of your
parents are not genetically related to
you. Adults told later in life often feel
hurt, angry, and betrayed.

Janice Grimes, the author has been a Registered
Nurse for over thirty years after
having obtained her nursing degree
in Baltimore, Maryland. The majority
of her nursing career was spent
in the Emergency Department and
Recovery Room.

In 2000, Janice and her husband,
Todd moved to Webster, Iowa to fulfill
Todd’s life long dream of owning
farmland. They became interested
in our area after a vacation to Iowa
to see a John Deere tractor built
(Todd was an avid collector of John
Deere memorabilia). The countryside
reminded them of Maryland. They
had got in touch with Alan Grimm, a
North English realtor, who kept in touch after
they returned home to Maryland.

Janice worked for the ER department
in Ottumwa for two years before
moving to the U of I hospital’s in
vitro fertilization unit (IVF) where she
worked for seven years. Not only did
Janice work in IVF, she was in fact an
IVF patient herself.

As her knowledge of IVF grew, Janice
became interested in the moral
and ethical issues of disclosure. The
number of children conceived by alternative
methods is staggering and
continues to increase as women put
pregnancy “on hold” to pursue their
careers and as same sex couples
become more open and wish to have
families. The most current statistics
from the Centers for Disease Control
and Prevention show that 40,687
IVF children were born in the United
States as the result of IVF cycles carried
out in 2001.

Her interest was peaked during a
somewhat awkward situation. An
anonymous donor had returned
one day for a repeat donor cycle. A
recipient who had successfully conceived
thanks to this donor’s egg donations
was also there. The recipient
mom had come to show her nurses
her twins. Both women passed each
other in the waiting room. Neither
one knew the other. The nurses held
their breath. They knew that the
biological mother had just walked by
her “children” and the recipient had
just walked by her donor. The nurses
later talked about the anonymity and
secret nature that surrounded the
birth of these babies.

As a result of this encounter, Janice
developed a series of children’s
books as a means to assist parents
wishing to disclose. She researched
the issue of disclosure, specifically
to see if couples were telling their
children about their alternative conception.
Although professionals tell
the parents it is best to disclose, very
few tools are available to help them
with this issue. When she undertook
this project, there were only 5
books in the entire world written for
children (only one in the U.S.).

The “Before You Were Born” books
were created to help as many parents
as possible. Therefore, the illustrations
are the same in every
book and are not related to the
text. A sample is available on Janice’s
website at www.xyandme.
com The pictures show a typical
day in the life of a child interacting
with their parent. It was her intent
to make the “parent” and “child”
bears as gender and ethnically
ambiguous as possible. She also
wrote the books in such a way that
whichever parent is reading the
story is the “bear parent” speaking.

A few of the books are not currently
available in paperback, but can
be downloaded electronically at
www.epubbud.com.

The Donor Conception Network in the UK is an excellent resource. Please visit their site for a ton of information on donor disclosure.

http://www.dcnetwork.org/telling-your-child

Telling Your Child

Although we encourage parents to start telling children about donor conception when they are under five, we know that there are many families with older children - sometimes even adults themselves - who have not 'told' yet. Our Telling and Talking booklets cover all age groups, but we are always ready and happy to individually support families in telling older offspring. We have particular experience of supporting parents of donor conceived adults. If this is your situation do contact us in the first instance at enquiries@dcnetwork.org

Reasons to tell

Telling children about their origins by donor conception –

Puts honesty at the heart of family relationships

Is respectful of donor conceived children/people as individuals in their own right

Allows donor conceived people to make choices about their lives

Allows donor conceived children to learn about aspects of their history, integrate the knowledge as they grow up and accept their story without shock or distress

Means that significant differences between a child and parent (in looks, talents etc.) can be easily explained. Some DC adults have thought they must be adopted or the result of an affair by their mother.

Means that a true medical history (or lack of it) can be given to doctors, making diagnosis and treatment of medical conditions more accurate. It also removes anxiety about the inheritance of disorders from the non-genetic parent

Does not mean that children will reject their non-genetic parent.

Are there any circumstances where ‘not telling’ is the right thing to do?

DC Network is committed to the principle of openness for all children. However, if a child has severe developmental delay or learning difficulties parents will need to take into account developmental age and the needs of their particular child when deciding when and how to tell. In communities where donor conception is disapproved of parents first of all face very difficult questions about whether donor conception is right for them and if they then go ahead, the dilemmas of sharing information with their child and others. If a child is unable to be proud of who they are then not 'telling' may be the only reasonable option.

Parents need to be very honest with themselves. Concerns that a child may be upset or confused by being ‘told’ can cover anxieties and fears that properly belong to the parents and are not to do with the child at all.

Is there a ‘right’ age to start telling?

The goal of early ‘telling’ is that a child should grow up ‘never knowing a time when they didn’t know’ about their origins by donor conception. In practical terms this means starting the process of sharing information with your child from under the age of five. Some people like to start talking with their baby – chatting about the donor while changing a nappy is popular. Others like to settle down and enjoy ordinary family life first and then introduce one of the Our Story books from around 18 months or two years. A few families wait until their child starts asking about where babies come from at around 4.

What is worth taking into account in deciding when to begin the story is that the earlier you start the easier it is likely to be for you both. It gives you a chance to practice the language at a time when your baby is not really understanding the words but simply enjoying being talked to. It also means that once you have started you always have something to build on.

If for some reason it has not been possible to start early, then ‘telling’ is possible at any age. It simply takes more preparation and has to be undertaken as an event rather than a process.

What can help in knowing when to tell (and how to do it at any age) –

The Telling and Talking booklets, 0-7, 8-11, 12-16 and 17+ are designed to support and guide parents in starting and continuing to be open at any age.

The Our Story books for children conceived by sperm donation, egg donation and also double or embryo donation are wonderful starting points for sharing information with children

Join DCN to talk with other parents about when they ‘told’ their children

Come on a Telling and Talking workshop

Read the recommended books in the DCN Library for stories of when parents around the world have shared information with their children

If for some reason you have not told your child and s/he has now reached late teenage years or is into adulthood you may find yourselves wanting some support before going ahead...or want to talk about the pros and cons of doing so. DCN recognises this as a particularly challenging situation and we are happy to offer you support in the form of a face to face consultation, plus all our usual services. We may also be able to put you in touch with other parents who told their children in adulthood.

What language should we use?

Parents often worry that starting to share information with a very young child means that they will have to start talking about sex and reproduction in a way that is inappropriate for such a small person. Using the ‘building block’ approach where information is built up in very small chunks over time means that language can remain simple and sex and reproduction does not need to be addressed until a child is ready to take this on board.

What can help with the language and timing of telling –

The Telling and Talking booklet, 0-7 gives examples of language you can use with any baby or child in this age group

The American Fertility Association has produced a very good booklet on openness and ‘telling’ for parents of children conceived by egg donation.

The Our Story books for children conceived by sperm donation, egg donation and also double or embryo donation contain language that parents often find valuable to use.

What sort of reaction should we expect?

What matters most to young children is that they have a loving and secure relationship with their parents. This is what helps them feel good about themselves. They do not care about genetic connections so when you talk with them about ‘Mummy not having enough eggs so she needed some help from a kind lady’ or ‘Daddy’s sperm not being able to swim fast enough to reach Mummy’s egg’, your child’s response may be indifference, to ask if they can have sausages for tea or to ask what a sperm looks like (most will think they know an egg when they see one). Each of these and anything else is a completely normal response.

If you are ‘telling’ for the first time when your child is over seven, then it is likely to start with a ‘sitting down and telling event’ rather than a process over the course of several years, although you can prepare the ground by talking about how all families are different and sometimes parents need some help to make a baby.

Children of eight or over have much greater understanding than those under this age. How they receive the news about being donor conceived is likely to depend as much on how you feel about it and go about telling them as on their own personality and general way of dealing with things. If they understand immediately – and not all children do make this link at first - that the information means that they do not have a ‘blood’ connection to one or other parent (or both) then there may be an element of shock. Some children are interested in the science involved in donor conception and particularly IVF. The older they are the more likely it is that they will be angry at not having been told this information earlier. Some children are sad for a while that they are not connected by genes and blood to a much loved parent. This can also happen in middle childhood as part of the process of integration in children who have been told from a very young age.

What can help with understanding reactions at different ages –

The Telling and Talking booklets, 0-7, 8-11, 12-16 and 17+ are designed to support and guide parents in starting and continuing to be open at any age and to give insight into different reactions at these stages of development

What happens if and when our child starts sharing what we are telling them with others?

Young children rarely talk about donor conception to others, not because it worries them, but because it is of no interest at all. Even when children are older they often find that other children change the subject because they know nothing about it. This can be quite frustrating for a donor conceived child who thinks DC is cool and wants to talk about it!

Older children who are comfortable with their origins are well able to correct others when they make wrong assumptions – that a child is adopted, doesn’t have a mother/father or is an orphan. They may well mention in biology or personal and social education classes that they are donor conceived and this is mostly received simply as factual information.

Confident children whose parents have been open with them from the beginning are well able to combat the rare attempts at teasing or bullying based on their DC origins.

Sharing information with primary school teachers can be valuable so that they can support and back-up a child who talks about their beginnings in class. At secondary school stage the information is the childs’ to share, or not, as they choose.

What can help with supporting children telling others –

The Telling and Talking booklets, 0-7, 8-11, 12-16 and 17+ are designed to support and guide parents in starting and continuing to be open at any age and give examples of situations where children have told others and handled their responses.

How do you Tell when you have children with different beginnings?

In DC Network we have many families where not all the children are donor conceived. Sometimes there are adopted children or step-children from a partner’s previous relationship. An increasing number of families have one child conceived without help at all or using IVF with the couple’s own eggs and sperm, and then need egg donation to have second or subsequent child.

Difference in itself can be perceived by parents as a problem, but children are only likely to find it so if parents are anxious, stress differences, and treat children unequally. Of course treating children equally does not necessarily mean treating them the same, as each child should be responded to according to their different needs.

What can help in families where children have different beginnings?

Read the booklet Mixed Blessings: Building a family with and without donor help. This was written especially for you.

There are sections in Telling and Talking 0 – 7 and 8 – 11 about sharing information when there is difference in the family.

An average fresh IVF cycle using your
own eggs and your husband's sperm
costs $14,000 - $17,000! Each time
you do it!
Some insurances cover it and some
do not.

If you need donor "anything",
your insurance may cover
it or they may not cover
a thing and then you are
expected to pay out of pocket!

Isn't it bad enough that you are
having so many problems getting
pregnant? And then to top it off,
you finally go for fertility
treatments and find out it will cost
you an arm and a leg (not that you
wouldn't give a limb to get
pregnant!)

How the hell is that fair?
Is it fair that you have no eggs
or your eggs are too old
or your husband has no sperm?
Is it fair that you physically cannot
carry a pregnancy?

Isn't enough that you have been
on the "trying to make a baby"
merry-go-round with countless
months and years of
disappointment?

How are people supposed
to come up with that kind
of money?

Yeah, celebrities do it (and
pretend they don't)
but they make ridiculous
salaries.

Instead of happily shopping for
baby clothes, nursery furniture,
awesome toys and signing up for
all those "wish list" items on
your baby registry you have to make
a freaking decision such as "should I buy
a house or should I 'buy'
a pregnancy????

No one should have to make a
decision like that..............

If insurance pays for birth control,
abortions, Viagra, difficult pregnancies
and neonatal care, they should have
to pay for reproductive technology.
Otherwise that is discrimination
against women who cannot get
pregnant in the conventional way.

The Child’s Advocate in DonorConceptions: The Telling of the Storyby Kris A. Probasco

Traditionally, to create a child, there is a joining ofa woman’s egg and a man’s sperm via sexual intercourse.When, by choice or by happenstance, thisprocess is not available, modern persons haveaccess to additional methods. These methods stem from thedonation of materials originating in others, a donated egg,donated sperm, or more recently, a donated fertilizedfrozen embryo. The donations range from easily obtainedmaterial (sperm) to complexly obtained material (eggs) tomaterial created via a large sum of money and effort by thedonors (embryo) (see Figure 1). As in traditional adoption,the donor procedure of creating a child involves a minimumof two parties, one in whom the gamete material wascreated and one who accepts this material to obtain a child.

Figure 1.DefinitionsDonated Egg: Transfer of preovulatory oocytes from voluntarydonor to a suitable host. Oocytes are collected through an invasiveprocedure, fertilized in vitro, and transferred to the host.Donated Sperm: Collection of ejaculated sperm from voluntarydonor used to fertilize egg in human host or in vitro.Donated Embryo: Embryo that has been created through invitro fertilization in excess of what was used by the gestatingwoman. Often frozen for further use, recent trend to donate foradoption by others.

The history of donor conception dates back to 1884,when the first case of donor insemination was documented.At that time, physicians were using their own sperm forconception (Snowden, 1983). The first documented case ofegg donation was in 1983 (Buster et al., 1983), and embryoplacement and adoption began in 1997 (“Embryo adoptionbecoming the rage,” 2009). Donor conceptions are providedfor couples with male or female infertility, individualswho have a genetic disorder they do not want to pass on to
a child, second marriages where there was a vasectomy inthe first marriage, single women, and the lesbian and gaypopulation. Estimates are that thousands of children areborn by donor conception each year in the United States,more than the number of infants placed in traditionaladoptions.This article suggests the assistance families will need insharing the stories of their children’s beginnings withthem. This author believes that keeping origins secret canbe detrimental to a child’s mental health, and that opendonation, similar to open adoption, is most helpful in thehealthy family system.

Preparing for ParenthoodUnlike the traditional method of pregnancy in whichone-third of all pregnancies are unplanned, using donormaterial takes some intention. An essential step in theprocess is coming to terms with the choice to use donormaterial. Parents must accept that this chosen alternative isdifferent. Grieving the loss of personal ability to create thegenetic offspring, the loss of the biological child or a marriageor relationship that would create a genetic child is animportant factor in being prepared to parent childrenthrough a donor conception. Mental health therapists havefound through experience as counselors to families thatwithout preparation of the parents through education andcourses, the losses tend to become the responsibility andburden of the child. Mental health therapists believe a childshould be born into a family without having to cure the situationthat brought donor conception to the family. Formany, a history of infertility has preceded the decision fora donor conception. Acknowledgement and acceptance ofall losses connected to the infertility struggle is a part ofparenting preparation. For couples planning to parent a child by donor conception,it is vital that both individuals emotionally accept thedecision for a donor. The infertile couple needs assistancefrom others to make the conception medically possible.The nature vs. nurture debate has been illuminated by yearsof adoption research (Bouchard, Lykken, McGue, Segal, &Tellegan, 1989) that who we become is approximately 50%nature and 50% nurture. Those who choose sperm or eggdonation must accept the significance of the genetic component in their child’s life. For an embryo placement, thechild’s complete genetics are connected to another family.Thus, it is important that parents learn as much as they canabout the donors they are ‘inviting into their home,’ acceptthat another person or family is helping to conceive thechild, and that the child may have life-long genetic, social,and emotional connections to that family.
Earlier in my career as a social worker in the infertilityand donor world, there was very little information, if any,provided regarding the anonymous donors. Sperm and eggscame privately or with very basic medical information. Thishas now changed. Resources are now available to select adonor’s genetic material based on social, psychological, andmedical information, including pictures, videos, and audiotapes, and identified donors who can be available for medicalemergency and as social contacts at a later date. Inembryo placement, there are open arrangements so thegenetic family and prospective adoptive family know abouteach other and continue to be a resource for both familiesas their children grow in understanding their particular stories.

EducationWhether traditional adoption, donor conception, orembryo placement, education of prospective parents ismandatory. Educational resources are increasingly available,including books, children’s books, the InfertilityNetwork from Canada, and the Donor Sibling Registry (seeFigures 2 and 3). All of these resources have Internet connectionsfor those in the decision-making process and familieswho are parenting children, and also include messagesfrom those who came to a family by donor conception. Itis important to learn from those who have come before usso parents can become effective advocates for their children. In adoption, it is positive for families to announce theirdecision to their family and friends to gain their support.Because a donor conception includes a pregnancy in thefamily, the question of whether to go public is more difficult.While families deserve some privacy regarding personaldecisions, it is well known from family systems theorythat secrets cause problems. From my clinical experience, itis generally best that couples who are successful with adonor conception share with family and friends. It benefitsthe family to celebrate the unique arrival of this child andto share in the celebration because this will be a very importantpart in the child’s story.

Figure 2.ReadingsYoung Children (Ages 3 to 10)How I Began: The Story of Donor Insemination, by N.S.W.Infertility Social Workers Group, J. Paul, (Ed.), 1988, PortMelbourne, Australia: The Fertility Society of Australia.

Note: Many of these publications are available through theInfertility Network (www.InfertilityNetwork.org).

Figure 3.Web Sites of Interest

The Donor Sibling Registrywww.donorsiblingregistry.com

Infertility Networkwww.InfertilityNetwork.org

Embryo Adoption Awareness Centerwww.embryoadoption.org

Adoptive Families (magazine)www.adoptivefamilies.com

American Society for Reproductive Medicinewww.asrm.org

Legal Issues

Legal issues with donor conception are evolving. Manystates have legislation regarding sperm donor insemination,few states have legislation regarding egg donation,and only one state has legislation regarding embryo placement.In the Kansas City area, both Kansas and Missourihave legislation for sperm donation. There is no legislationfor egg donation or embryo placement. In my practice, werecommend a stepparent adoption in egg donation and afull adoption for embryo placement with an adoptiondecree. Recognizing what legal liabilities are present for achild born by donor conception in the state of residencyprovides for the child’s security.The Child’s Story

Beginning the StoryThe basic need of a child brought to any family is a positiveattitude about his or her conception, birth, and family.Accepting the child as an individual with a unique,genetic history is a crucial factor for donor conceptions.The parents’ decision to bring a child into their family bydonor represents the first step for creating a positive story.As in traditional adoption, it is the parents’ job to tell allthey know regarding their donor conception to help thechild understand. There is an attachment process duringthe child’s growing years, which is enhanced by honest storiesabout how the child came to be. We want a child/adultto say they do not remember being told because theyalways knew how they came into the family.

InfancyDuring the child’s infancy is a time for parents to practicetalking to their child with positive language and feelings.“We so wanted to be parents. We were meant to beyour parents. We are so happy that we got help. Many peopleassisted us in your coming to our family, especially ourdonor.” Tone of voice communicates pride, love, and celebration,explaining, “We have so much to tell you and weare so excited for you to understand how you came into ourfamily.” Continue the positive language and talk basicallythroughout the child’s growing years.

Early ChildhoodSome details can be helpful in the understanding processfor the child in early childhood. Children in this stage aremore aware of the world around them and basically understandthe concept of “family.” By this age, children will beable to tell you who their family members are and how theyare related to each other. They do this by family experiencesand being exposed to different families.This is a great time to start reading storybooks, andmany are available. The Web site www.XYandMe.com containsa series of 16 books that begin and end the same, withnot being able to have a biological child, to the joy of havinga child. The middle section describes the child’s particularreproduction method for coming to the family.It is also a good idea to put a beginning book together ofpictures of the child coming home. These pictures shouldinclude parents wanting a child, waiting for a positive pregnancytest, the clinic where the parents received assistanceor picture of the sperm bank and/or egg facility, the doctor’soffice, pictures of the donor and/or genetic family, and picturesthroughout the pregnancy and birth. This book willstart the child from his or her beginning, which includesthe parents’ decision, individuals from whom they receivedassistance, and the helper/donor who gave his or her geneticsfor the child’s life. For a known donor situation, actualpictures of the family member, friend, or extended familycan also be provided in the book. The message is clear, that“we wanted to have children in our family, we worked reallyhard for our children to arrive, and we accepted and celebratedthe assistance of many people.” This is also a time to look for opportunities to pointthings out to children as they learn about the world aroundthem. For example, “This is a fire station, where firemenhelp people when they are in an emergency.” “This iswhere we went when we needed help for you to come intoour family.” “This is the hospital where you were born.”Showing the child these places provides images and concretefacts along the way. This is also an excellent time tobe talking to the child about the many ways that childrencome into a family. Todd Parr (2003) has authored manybooks about families and the importance of the love theyshare with each other.

Middle ChildhoodDuring the middle years, as in adoptions, children havemany questions. These can occur when driving the car, seeinga pregnant woman, or standing in line at a grocerystore. Parents are wise to “go with the flow” in terms ofthese questions. Parents do well to keep the conversationsactive in bringing up the subject from time to time. Thehealthy message is that this is a comfortable subject to talkabout, and it is okay to ask questions. Girls tend to ask questionsearlier than boys. As children move into the questionsof how babies are made, more factual information can beshared. Generally during this time, the “ah-ha” momentswill occur, and children will figure out what “donor” actuallymeans and then understand this genetic connection toanother.Sex education received from parents and schools is nowstarting to make more sense: They have inherited genesfrom the donor and may now begin to question who their‘real” parent(s) are. The questions “What is real?” and“Who is real?” come into their thoughts. The realization ofwho they are and who their identity is to become is not ashock because of all the early telling. However, there issome sadness when children actually understand that oneor both of their parents is not genetically connected tothem.During this time, the child will ask lots of questions, andthe parents will provide them with information. It is best toshare most of this information before the adolescent years.In this way, children can put the puzzle pieces together asthey work on identify formation. In our experience, girlsare more likely to ask lots of questions; boys tend not towant to be different and may not display curiosity. Allextremes are possible from not wanting to talk about it totalking about it frequently.The best parental stance is to keep the communicationlines open and answer questions with as much factualinformation as possible. If the child asks a question aboutthe donor, and the parent does not have the information,it is best to have empathy for the child and say, “I wish Icould answer that question. If I were you, I would want toknow, too.” In an open, identified donor or a known donorsituation, it may be helpful to write the questions down sothe value of the child’s curiosity is validated. The parent canassure the children these questions can be asked of thedonor.

AdolescenceAs children move into their teenage years, they willlearn about science, reproduction, and deoxyribonucleicacid (DNA) in school. For some children, this will simply beacademic information. However, donor children will identifythese scientific concepts with themselves. In teenageyears, everything is fair game for challenges and questions.Most adults remember when, as adolescents, they thought,“Parents don’t really know anything. I am so different fromthem.” The psychological task in adolescent years, as discussedby Erikson (1968), is to individuate, to become a personwith individualized needs, tasks, and freedoms. Teenswant to find out how they are similar and different fromtheir parents and how they became a unique individual.Donor-conceived children also have to figure out how theyare similar and different from the genetic donor. Thesequestions will often challenge the non-genetic parents’authority, which may produce anxiety for parents. The adolescentmay say things like “You are not my real parents.”It is best for parents to understand the teenager’s quest foridentity without becoming defensive. Parents need to continueto distinguish between the facts of the teen’s conceptionfrom the normal responsibilities of parenting.A teenager who now chooses to share information withhis or her peers may cause concern for parents because noteveryone will understand (or approve of) how the childcame to their family. This is a very fine detail because parentswant to ensure their teen has pride in him or herself.Some parents might have chosen to maintain more privacyabout the methods used for conception. The child, however,is really in charge of who is told, and there may be somesurprises along the way.

Summary

Parents who use donor gametes should feel firm andentitled to say they are this child’s parents. Health careproviders (doctors, nurses, and social workers) must helpthese parents. Their decision to bring a child into the worldcreates continuous consequences for the whole family. Theparents’ responsibility is to attach, parent, and educate, andthe child’s responsibility is to ask questions to form anidentity and find ways to feel secure about the individualhe or she is becoming. Participating as the child’s advocatepresents many joys and celebrations, as well as many challenges.Pediatric nurses can help families resolve infertilityissues and obtain education about donor conception. Thisadvocacy provides the freedom for parents to be proud oftheir decision, attach to the process, and rejoice for thechild who comes to their family. This is a true blessing foreveryone.

Kris A. Probasco. LSCSW, LCSW is Executive Director,
Adoption & Fertility Resources, A Division of Clinical Counseling Associates, Inc.,Liberty, MO, and Overland Park, KS.Author’s Note: I would like to dedicate this article to my mentors,Annette Baron (author of The Adoption Triangle and Lethal Secrets)and Sharon Kaplan Rozia (author of The Open Adoption Experience).Annette and Sharon have taught me to speak the truth and to encourageparents to speak the truth to their children for the benefit of theirchildren.

It has been 15 (!!) years since I did IVF
and 12 years since my hysterectomy.

Quite frequently, even after all this time,
my husband will say, "If we would have
had a child........" and then go on to say
something about how we would have
raised him/her.

It is very annoying to me that I have
to be reminded over and over that we
did not have a child together. When I
tell him it hurts me when he says that, he
apologizes and says he doesn't mean to
bring it up.

I guess I am just overly sensitive and feel
like I am still being blamed because we
didn't have a child, even after all I (we)
went through to make it happen.

Anyone who has ever had
infertility treatments knows
the importance of ultrasounds.

These aren't the "usual"
ultrasounds with the gel and
full bladder.

Oh no...these have to be
just a little more uncomfortable
and embarassing.

These ultrasounds are done
with a vaginal probe.

Now, don't get me wrong.
As an IVF nurse, I know
how important they are.

Ultrasounds show many things:

antral follicle counts - which help to predict ovarian reserve
size of follicles - to determine when to go to retrieval or have an insemination
C-section scarring
empty gestational sac - HATE that ultrasound
ectopic pregnancy - HATE that one too!

And the best one....
growing little embryos :) LOVE that ultrasound!

Sara is an excellent ultrasound technician.
She is one of the most compassionate people I know.
You will want her there whether it is good or bad because
she will give you the most hope and the most comfort.

Our clinic is great in that it allows the ultrasonographer
the liberty of telling the patient what is going on - good or bad - without
having to wait those few minutes for the physician.

I have seen Sara many times help couples cope through a bad
ultrasound. She doesn't run out of the room to get the doctor.
She stays, she explains and she sends someone else to get the
doctor!

As far as I'm concerned,
it's all the "potential"
mothers who need the applause,
cards, gifts and flowers.

It's the women struggling
with infertility that deserve
a day, a week, a month dedicated
to their struggle.

Unfortunately, it's a topic
no one wants to talk about.

The fertile don't want to
know or hear about the plight
of the infertile.

It's one of the "unfairness
of life" ordeals that no one
can explain or find a reason
or purpose for...most of all the
couples going through it.

So to all those women who are
crying today and avoiding church
and wishing the day would go away..
I've thought about you today and
understand your pain and want you
to know that it's just a 24 hour
deal and tomorrow is another
day.

I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of feeling
guilty for something
that is beyond my control.

Other people lay the
guilt on.
Like my FIL
who makes comments
about us not having
a baby.
He once was in a
baby store while
my MIL was buying
a gift for a friend.
The salesperson asked
if the gift was for their
grandchild.
My FIL said:
"I wish"

Oh the guilt
and the pain.
My DH is an
only child.
No child for him.
No grandchild for
them.

I tried. I suffered
through multiple
IUI's and IVF.
I was poked, prodded
and exposed to all
the mean things that
the GYN Dr. could offer.

And still it didn't happen.

Most of the time
I can blow the guilt away.
But some days, it hangs over
me like a dark cloud.

I want to be defined by
my other achievements,
not by whether I was
fertile.
Doesn't it matter that I
have a college education?
A good job? That I
wrote and published
children's books? That I ran
a 5K? That I serve on the
board of directors for an
infertility support organization?
That I was published in a
Canadian infertility magazine?
That I worked twenty years
in an Emergency Room and
helped save many lives?

How can all those things be
treated as trivial? Why is
"infertile" how I am
defined?

Guilt go away.
I have to study for
my college class, I have
to send out some books
I've sold, I have to go
to work in the IVF Clinic
and try and help someone else
achieve a pregnancy, so
they don't have to feel the
guilt that comes with the
failure to achieve a
pregnancy.
Go away guilt. I'm too busy
moving on with my life.

Sometimes, when we
are struggling with infertility
and under a mountain of pain,
it is hard to remember that we
have a partner. Someone we
promised to love, honor and
cherish.
Someone we married to become
a family.

When the holidays roll around,
so much of the world is focused on
toys and Santa and children.
It is then we need to get closer to
our partner and remember why
we fell in love and what the good
parts of our relationship are.

By remembering that "two is a
family" we will be able to cope better and
maybe., just next year, it will
be three.....

I guess the title is a little
misleading.
This post isn't about medical treatments
or doctors.
It's about still feeling good about
yourself in spite of all the pain.

I decided to take some of my
anger and pain and go back
to school.

I once had a counselor say to me
"Take all this angry energy and go
get your PhD."
(wise woman!)
Well, I'm not getting my PhD, but I am
going back to college.

Believe me, returning to college
after 20 years, takes your mind
TOTALLY off infertility!
In fact, your head is spinning so
fast, you won't even have a
moment to yourself!
You won't have one minute to
obsess, think about your period,
do any medical treatments,
or keep up with your blog
posts!

So, I haven't gone away,
I haven't forgotten
about my blog or any of you.
I'm just taking my angry energy
and going back to college!

I went to an infertility support meeting.
A new couple was there.
Their pain was palpable.
Us "old" timers told our story
and they briefly told theirs.

The wife cried and expressed
all the feelings we have had:
jealousy over others who can get
pregnant, fear that her husband will
leave her because she may not be able
to give him a child, mad at God,
feeling ashamed that she is so angry,
hating baby showers and Mother's
Day at church.

She wanted us to tell her when it
would be over. She wanted to know
if she remained childless, how long it
would take her to accept it.

We weren't able to answer her question.
We could only assure her it was normal
to feel all the things she was feeling.
It was acceptable to give herself permission
not to attend baby showers. It was OK
to skip church on Mother's Day. She was
not alone.

I don't know if it helped. I hope so.
The struggle with infertility is so
painful and unfair and emotional.
I hope she can find a little peace
as she continues on her journey.

A new and important
job. We will still see his
smiling face, but he will
no longer be running our
program.

He leaves behind an
ambivalent IVF staff.
We are happy and proud
of him. We wish him all the
best in his new position.
But we mourn the loss of his
friendship, medical expertise,
kindness, immense knowledge
of IVF and his humor.

He leaves behind a population
of happy patients. Patients
who never would have become
parents without him.

He started our IVF program in 1987.
Over the years, through
his leadership, we have grown
and progressed and created many
lives along the way.

He is our "Yoda."
In the Star Wars Universe,
Yoda is the wisest,
most revered
and the most powerful of the
Jedi Masters.
Dr. Craig is our wisest and most
revered master of IVF.

We are sad to see him go
but know he touched not
only the lives of his patients,
but also the staff who worked
with him.

When I first started on the
journey down infertility road,
I said "I will never do IVF. It's
too invasive."

Never say never!

Eight inseminations later and
at age 41, there I was in the
IVF clinic.

I only had a 10% chance of
conceiving.
10 % !!!

I thought I could beat the odds.
I kept thinking "If Christie Brinkley
can do it, so can I!"
(That's a whole other story now
isn't it?)

Anyway...........
I didn't beat the odds.
We were offered donor eggs.
We flatly refused.
Years later, I doubted whether
we had made the right decision
to stop.

Eventually, I had a hysterectomy,
thanks to the terrible monster
called endometriosis.
Even now, years later,
I still feel grief.
I still feel that yearning for the
little baby girl I just KNEW I
would have.
How do you know when you've
had enough?
I have no idea.
You may never know either.

This blog would not
exist if it hadn't been
for Rosie O'Donnell.
She is the master of all
bloggers and is the person
who inspired me to
write down what I feel,
and to use my past
and present experiences
to try and help all those
wishing for a baby.

I knew nothing about
blogging until I went to
her site one day and there
it was.
I quickly learned
where to sign up and how
to personalize a template.

I have a lot more to learn,
but I wanted everyone to know that
she was my inspiration and mentor.
When she said, "go blog urself!"
I listened!!
Thank you Ro!

It's coming.
That dreaded time of year
for people who are stressed
and angry and sad from the toll that
infertility is taking.

What is a person supposed
to do during this time of
great cheer and Santa Claus?
Get in bed, cover your head
and come out for the adult
holiday called New Year's Eve?

Sounds like a good idea huh?

Here are a few other, more
realistic things you can do.

*Take a break from treatment. A couple
of weeks or even a month free of
doctors, injections, planned intercourse,
pee sticks, temperature taking, marking
off your cycle days on a calendar, yada, yada,
yada, will not compromise your journey towards
pregnancy.
Give yourself permission to ditch all of
it...... just for a little while.

*Go ahead and go to the office
party, because no one will bring
their children to that!

*Skip the family get together and
go on a vacation to a warm sunny place
or a snowy ski lodge. (whichever is the
opposite of the weather you're having!)

*If you absolutely can't skip the family
stuff, be on your guard and have a few
rehearsed answers for the questions
you may be asked. Here is a really good
and simple one: if anyone mentions
anything about children, pregnancy, or
infertility, politely say:
"We aren't talking about that subject this month."
And don't allow them to make you answer their
questions. If they pry, just repeat it again:
"We aren't talking about that subject this
month."

*Try a few little romantic dinners at
restaurants that don't cater to children.
Go to the restaurant that serves French
cuisine and skip "Chucky Cheese."

* Stay out of the mall on weekends.

*Rent some funny movies. You need a
few laughs.

*Get a "his and her" massage.

*Now is a good time to visit your older relatives, such as
grandparents and great aunts and uncles. You can
take them dinner and there's a good possibility
there won't be any children around.

*Do not feel obligated to attend any function, even
on Christmas Day, if it will be too painful for you.
You are an adult, and you need to take care of you.
Tell everyone you don't feel well. (You probably won't
be lying!) Then stay home, wear your pajamas - since
you don't feel well :) Eat some comfort food and read a good
book.

*If you have a cat or dog, they are one of the
nicest things God has made. So love on them
and accept their unconditional love for you.

*Sometimes some of the best ways to help
yourself, is to help others. Go to a shelter and
serve Christmas dinner. Or invite an elderly person
with no family, to your house for Christmas Day.

*Most of all, remember that in the end, Christmas Day
is just another day in the year and you will get
through it and you will survive.

And after the holidays have passed, you can choose
to get back on that roller coaster and perhaps
you will have that little child you're yearning for
by the time next Christmas rolls around.

When I initially created the
"Before You Were Born...Our
Wish For A Baby" storybooks
for specially conceived children,
I published ten different versions.
I thought that I had covered the most
common forms of assisted reproduction.
I was wrong.
I promptly received about 50 emails
from single mothers who
wanted a version for their
children.
I had no idea there was such a
huge community of single mothers
by choice.
I began to research this and my eyes
were opened to a whole different
world of children conceived by
assisted reproduction.
(The IVF clinic, where I worked did not
treat single women at the time.)

Nevertheless, this community of
single women, who choose to become
mothers, had a need that I felt
obligated to help with.
Therefore, versions for single parents
were published. They were so
popular that they are now out of
print and I am working on a solution
for a reprint. (I use my own personal
money to print the books and it costs
thousands of dollars.)

Since that time, I have received many
kind emails from parents,
authors, journalists and advocates
for single mothers.
One of those emails was from
Mikki Morrissette.
She is an advocate for SMC as well as
being a "Choice Mom" herself.
(I really like that phrase!)
The word "choice" is defined as the
"power, right or liberty to choose."
It is also defined as the "best or most
preferable; of very fine quality."
Both definitions apply to this group of women.
Not only do they choose to be a mother,
but they also choose to be a SINGLE PARENT,
which can be pretty tough sometimes.
So, if you are already a choice mom
or a single woman
contemplating whether being
a choice mom is for you, please
visit Mikki's website.
You can purchase her book:
"Choosing Single Motherhood...The
Thinking Woman's Guide."
This book covers many important topics
such as: typical everyday concerns,
children growing up in single parent
homes, methods of becoming a single
mom, day to day parenting, resources,
and how the children of single moms
are doing.
Her website also provides information,
resources, networking and support.
Thank you Mikki, for the important
work you are doing for choice moms.

Today is the first day of
National Infertility Awareness Week.
Kind of ironic.
The people that know about this
are already aware of infertility.
The people that never experienced
infertilty, don't know and probably don't
really care about it.
It's not exactly a Hallmark Card
inspired day.
Although it should be.

We all met up at Cathy Boyes'
house for introductions and
instructions.
She had everything ready for
the rally. It was very
successful. She made the
evening news.

People walked past the information
tables and a few stopped. But not many.
There we were, a group of people
in all phases of the journey.
Some starting treatment, some moving
on and some finished.
There was an emotional bond of
pain, grief, and anger.
We were kindred spirits.
All on the same page.
We understood perfectly the
twists and turns in the road.

I don't know why I think that
life is supposed to be fair.
It isn't.
I saw the unfairness of life
throughout my ER career.
And now I see it with infertility.

The couples who endure fertility
treatments
should be rewarded.
If medals were given
for enduring infertility
treatments, we would each
have a purple heart, and a
medal for valor
and one for bravery.

But it's not medals we're looking
for. It's that tiny little
baby to place in a stroller
and push around the mall.
So we can walk past displays
that don't affect us or apply to
our lives...and head straight
for the toy store.

Not all at once...but slow... and subtle...
and insidiously.....it sneaks up.

You start off trying to get pregnant
just like everyone else.
And you and your partner are having
fun!
You have a special little smile on
your faces, because you two have a
"secret." And you're just waiting
to be able to burst out in song
to everyone that you're pregnant.

And gosh, a couple of months go by
and your period keeps coming on time.
It starts to get a little annoying.
So you try harder. And you know
exactly when the right moment is.
and sex becomes a "must" and
maybe you just don't feel like having
sex tonight or this minute. But you have
too, because if you don't, then you'll miss
a whole month.

And now, you're getting worried and feeling
a little stressed and sex becomes not so much
fun. And the smile on your face has been
wiped right off.

You're off to the doctor now and being
poked, prodded, questioned,
examined and they're testing your blood
and your private parts, and your cervical
mucus and your husband's sperm...

Congratulations...instead of bursting
out in song, you're bursting into tears.
You have now joined the 6 million other
poor people who have infertility.
Welcome to a club you had no wish
to join.

There is help out there. FIND IT!
Every good clinic should have a
counselor that is specially trained
to help you. If the clinic doesn't have
one, start asking around.

Do Not Be Ashamed.Counselors are good.

Seeing a counselor doesn't mean you
are crazy (but infertility will make you
feel crazy!)

Counselors are your lifeline. They are
someone who is objective and non-judgmental,
someone you can freely talk to, someone to vent to,
someone who can answer your questions,
someone who can help you keep
your self esteem, when you feel like a
failure.

They will be there to help you when
your journey with infertility ends and you're
finally pregnant and they will also
be there to help you with your grief and loss
if your journey ends without a pregnancy.

I might have twins, one black and onewhite, just like that couple in Europe.

If I use donor sperm, my husbandwon't be able to handle it and wewill divorce.

If I use donor eggs, will I feel like a"real" mother?

I'm afraid if I have too manyembryos, I will not know what to dowith them later.

I don't want to discard or "kill" ourpotential child.

I don't want to give them up to research. What kind of parent does that make me???

I don't want to donate my embryos because I am afraid that the recipientparents won't be good parents.

If I donate them, will those children look for me later?

Will I look for them later?

Will I be walking down the street and see "my child."

What do I tell the children that I have?

Do I tell them that they have siblingssomewhere and I don't know where?

When they fall in love and get married,will I be sure that they aren't marrying their sibling (however remote that possibility is.)

If my "donated" children look me up later, how do I explain that I got pregnant and keptsome of my embryos, but not them?

If I used donor eggs or sperm, willmy family or friends judge me?

Does that mean I'm inferior?

Will my family accept my children?

Will I tell my children they were donor-conceived?

When will I tell them?

How will I tell them?

If I don't tell them, will theyfind out anyway?

What happens if they accidentallyfind out?

Will they reject my husband or I?

Will they want to look for the donor?

Will they think I was selfish to use assisted reproduction to conceive them?

Will they feel different?

If I can't carry a child, what happensif the surrogate doesn't want to givethe baby up?I'm afraid, afraid, afraid.I've heard the horror stories.There is one thing to help me.Knowledge is power. I willlearn everything there is to learnand I will make sure that what I learn is true information. Then I can makecorrect decisions and I will be less afraid.And I am not alone.

Thousands of others have donethis before me. I will learn fromthem and lean on them.

X,Y, and Me proudly announces that thesingle parent versionsof the "Before You Were Born...Our Wish For A Baby"will be available soon!The title will be "Before YouWere Born...A Wish For ABaby."We are hoping these new books will be available by theend of October.Keep checking our websitefor availability.www.xyandme.com

Women readily talk about
their infertility.....men usually
do not.
It's commonly believed that
infertility is due to a medical
condition involving the
female. Actually, 50 % of the time it is
a female issue and 50 % of the time,
infertility is due to a male factor.

I found this blog on the Donor
Sibling Registry website.
It is very educational and
helpful to hear about this topic
from the Dad's point of view.
I know that infertility can cause
pain and emotional frustration
for a couple. Thank goodness that
science and technology are allowing parents
to conceive in alternative ways.

Thank you DI Dad for sharing
your story. I look forward
to reading your blog as it
progresses.

Definitions of the word inconceivable:impossible to comprehendcannot grasp fullyimprobableincomprehensiblemind-bogglingunbelievableno wayno-goreachytotally unlikelyunheard ofunimaginableunlikelyunthinkableout of the questionyes that pretty wellsums up what it feels like when you cannot get pregnant likeeveryone else.

Cindy MargolisASuperstarthat
isn't afraid to admit
her difficulty withinfertilityIsn't ashamed of herinfertility
Isn't afraid to talk aboutinfertility
Isn't afraid to make the
public aware ofinfertilityIsn't afraid to be a
spokeswoman forinfertilityIsn't afraid to announce tothe world, the birth of herdaughters using the help of a gestational carrierBless you Cindyand thank you forspeaking for allof us.Cindy Margolis is the new spokeswoman forRESOLVE.Visit her website:www.cindymargolis.comto read her story.

Links

About Me

I am a Registered Nurse and worked ER for the majority of my career. I was an IVF patient. I currently work in an IVF clinic in the Midwest. I am an advocate for disclosing to children the truth about their conception, especially when donor gametes are used. I created a line of storybooks for these children that explain in loving language the special story and circumstances that occurred before they were born.