Wednesday, August 1

Why We Needed Gagne

It’s time for Jose Melendez’s KEYS TO THE GAME.

1. Okay, Jose will confess he was a little confused by the Eric Gagne acquisition. Sure it makes the bullpen nearly indomitable, but it was kind of strange that the Red Sox made the big trade deadline move an effort to shore up a strength rather than a weakness. In fact, it was so strange that it led Jose to imagine that something was seriously wrong. Something mysterious and opaque.

And indeed it was. In the 18 hours since the trade, we have learned that our bullpen is far shakier than it appeared. Not only is Brendan Donnelly going to have Thomas John surgery, Jose this morning saw a headline on America Online that read

That’s terrifying, absolutely terrifying. Might we lose Jonathan Papelbon to a pop star run amuck? Might he be forced into hiding?

The woman threw a bottle for Gods sakes a bottle? Where does she think she is Yankee Stadium?

Of course, this is only one in a long line of pop diva threats against Red Sox relievers. Britney, mad though she is, is only following a well trod path.

Who can forget when Madonna jumped Jeff Russell on Kilmarnock street after a game, or when Dionne Warwick threw a Molotov Cocktail at Dick Radatz? Heck even lesser divas have made their attempts on lesser relievers. Jose is not sure he can ever get over the bomb Martika placed under the hood of Joe Sambito’s 1981Dodge Omni.

Thank God the Rangers couldn’t read the historical cycles or the could have positively extorted the Red Sox.

2. Perhaps the biggest trading deadline move was made by the Braves, who acquired Mark Teixeira from Texas for catching standout Jared Saltalamacchia.

While Jose is glad that the Red Sox did not give up a ton to acquire the Scott Boras client, he will confess that he is a bit disappointed. It appears that now, and perhaps forever, in the city of Boston “Teixiera” will mean nothing more than a particularly good period in the history of Entertainment Tonight stretching from 1986 to 1996

3. Sure the Khe Sanh Gabbard era theoretically ended yesterday when the Red Sox sent him to Texas along with David Murphy and single A phenom Engel Beltre, but somehow Jose doesn’t thing that is going to stop him from seeing Gabbard start in a few more times this year.

According to the Brian Rose theorem, formerly called the Vaughn Eshelman theorem and the Vanegmond’s law, if the Red Sox have a mediocre to bad rookie in their rotation, at least 50 percent of games Jose attends will feature that pitcher.

As Jose has seen seven games in the Gabbard era but has only seen Gabbard start three times, Jose needs to see at least one more Gabbard start in order for the universe to be in order.

Really, it’s true. Mathematically, Gabbard needs to start at least one more game for the Red Sox. Jose would show you Andrew Wiles’ proof of the Rose Theorem, but it’s really long.

KEYS 2007: Still, We Don't Disbelieve Available NOW

Praise... Sort of... for KEYS

"I read Jose's Red Sox posts using Triumph the Insult Dog's accent and they are always 10 times more entertaining.” Bill Simmons, ESPN.com

“Check Jose Melendez’s Keys to the Game, which offers lengthy, funny, erudite pre-game breakdowns — most of which have nothing whatsoever to do with the game — 162 times a year. You’ll be so busy reading, you’ll forget there’s a game on.” Boston Phoenix

Buy the 2004 KEYS Book--Happy Ending Guaranteed

“Finally, an answer to the question that’s been plaguing the best baseball minds for the better part of the past decade: why didn’t journeyman reliever Jose Melendez ever live up to his full potential? Because he was spending all his time composing his milk-up-your-nose, off kilter observations about life in the big leagues. This book is a must read for anyone who is a Red Sox fan, a baseball fan, a writing fan, a humor fan, literate, or human. Put another way: it’s for everyone except George Steinbrenner. Jose Melendez is a genius—the rest of us can only sit back and laugh as he whips another 101 mph heater down the pike.” Seth Mnookin, author of “Feeding the Monster

Buy the 2005 KEYS BOOK--It"s Way Too Long

“Jose Melendez is the kind of fan who makes Red Sox Nation so special. He’s passionate, committed, intelligent, and loyal to a fault. Sadly, he can’t write his way out of a paper sack” Eric Neel, ESPN.com