It is getting a bit hot in Tokyo lately, and everyone has their nose a bit out of joint because there isn’t enough power for air conditioning. Subsequently, there are PLENTY of hot asses around town. Despite the steamy weather, power outages, office sauna, and all the rest of it, I have found that it’s still possible to use the weather to your advantage if you like annoying people as much as I do.

The Cock and Balls Blog recomends readers flossing

to reduce plaque build-up and prevent gum disease

On the weekend for example, there I was, minding my own business sitting in the stone forecourt of a downtown office building eating an ice cream in the hot sun. I should also mention that despite the heat, I was wearing a very nice suit and tie.

I had probably only been there for 5 minutes when a grubby little security guard came over to shoo me away. I guess a lot of dreadful hobos probably try and sleep there because he was very angry.

Now, like most people who detest authority, security guards absolutely disgust me, and I always show as much disdain as possible when I can.

Having been told I needed to move along, I stood up and was preparing to leave when I noticed an amusing combination of temperature, humidity, and the fine Italian tailoring of my pants had left behind a perfect sweat indentation of my backside on the stone ledge where I had been sitting. It was a very light, dry shade of stone so it really stood out.

I don’t know how it happened, but it was amazingly detailed, in as much so that you could clearly make out where my ball sack had been resting on the stone.

The security guard noticed it immediately, and was none too pleased with my contribution. ‘Horrified’, ‘confused’, and/or ‘physically shocked’ could also be used to describe his reaction. I think this was because having been inside the building’s air conditioned lobby, he wasn’t aware of how hot and sweaty a morning it was, and probably just figured that I had pissed himself.

It was also kind of funny because whilst we were standing their looking at it, we both audibly gasped at different points. Mine was when I noticed my testicle imprint. His was probably caused by the same realization.

Although I hadn’t pissed myself, I can sort of understand his viewpoint. If for example a child, or a hobo pisses themselves, it’s not such an odd event. But if a wealthy looking, foreign businessman turns up at your building and appears to have pissed himself…. it’s probably a shock to the system. I for one would also be confused if that happened at my office.

In any case, we both stood their looking at for about 10 seconds before I eventually walked off without any of us saying anything.

This week The Institute of Good Taste welcomes a brand new design template.

Regular guests will appreciate the range of new features including:

- An adorable decorative grey border line.
- An email function.
- Function for sharing my insight directly to social media sights like Facebook, Mixi, Twitter, and Buzz.
- A streamlined Carp Pond with 2 new fish to replace the ones that died in July.
- Lots more tit gags.

That’s about it really.

The design overhaul has been a long time coming, and is in response to the many requests for a more reader inclusive layout.

Change is afoot in Japanese politics. On September 14th the Democratic Party of Japan will elect either Naoto Kano or Ichiro Ozawa as its new President, and thus the nations Prime Minister.

Given the ordinary people of Japan wont have much of a say in this process, tIoGT took to the streets to find out how the average Joe feels about the prospect of a 7th Prime Minister in 3 years.

When we realized how hot it is outside, we instead decided to pay a visit to the Tokyo Metropolitan Elder Assisted Living Facilty No. 64 in Sumida-ward to gain an insight into people’s thoughts on the possible circumventing of due democratic process.

Mr. Masatoshi Kawamoto
“Frankly, I couldn’t give a rat’s fucking shit who’s the Prime Minister. I’ve outlived 114 cabinets so far. I’ve still got most of my own teeth, and one of my own balls so damn the fuckin lot of them.”

Mrs. Keiko Nakamura
“I love the elections and the politics and all the fucking rest of it. I can remember meeting President Taft during his visit to Japan when I was a little girl. His had this enormous gock.”

Ms. Yuka Hasagawa
“Oh, Id likes to see a change. Give the new guy a chance. This current young fellow has been in for over 2 months now, so he should pack it in eh. Lets give someone else a crack at it and then fuck them off as well in 3 months! I think I just shit myself but am not 100% sure.”

Mr. Hiroyuki Fukuda
“Oh, I reckon none of them have any balls anymore. And speaking of balls you fucking wanker, move your chair! I think you might be on my ball sack. It goes all long in the hot weather.”

Mr. Takeshi Ogawa
“You know what? I’m as healthy as a bull. I’ve still got all my own teeth, and every day I manage to piss AND dump before 7:00am. Pity is I usually don’t wake up until well after 10am.”

Mr. Kenji Sakai

“Don’t ask me about the fucking election. I think the nurses are stealing off me. Especially the Phillipino one. She hates me because I shat on the floor once.”

The debate on gay marriage just won’t go away will it. Heating up from time to time. Refusing to dissipate much in the manner of a festering, infected sore. Resurfacing every now and again sparked by events such as a trivial court case, or say the election of a minority coalition government forced to rely on a party with a pro-gay rights platform.

Given this blogs recent focus on macro economics, let’s look first at the financial side of the debate. As you will come to see, it’s somewhat of a mixed bag really.

For instance, I can say with some degree of confidence that nations and regions with established industrial output of goods and services relating to feather bowers, lubricant, sparkling sequence gowns, and those adorable calendars with muscle bound firemen, etc. tend to do extremely well should they be blessed with large numbers of openly gay consumers.

On the flip side though, big importer countries of khaki pant suits, sensibly designed shoes, and cats, suffer immensely should their population be burdened by heavy concentrations of lesbians. This is especially true for middle aged lesbians who are on average two thirds more likely to be very or somewhat thrifty in terms of their expenditure on fashion.

These facts being what they are, I would even say that while most fair minded people like me aren’t overtly bigoted towards homosexuals, and other groups with abnormal and exotic sexual tastes, there are some things about those folks that just don’t sit easily with people.

Here is a list that I made with the guys down at the pub.

- Those massive, unsightly adams apples, cheek bones, shoulders, and hands that drag queens have.
- The massive front-bums that middle aged lesbians have when they wear pants.
- Their propensity to have anonymous sex in public toilets.
- The vast aesthetical variance between movie lesbians and real lesbians.
- All that dreadful, butch leather that motorbike riders wear.
- Their need to slosh around in each others poo filled bowls in order to demonstrate their love.
- Fear of getting violently prison raped by a massive black man named Jamal.

Surely people’s attitudes would change remarkably if something could be done about only half of the things on this list?

To be honest with you for a change though, a lot of the angst of normal people towards reforming gay rights usually stems from the fact that once any given right has been secured-and hence becomes an acceptable social given-the debate/movement inevitably shifts towards securing something else.

Every victory always seems to be but a beachhead for achieving the next item on the wish list.

This is probably where most reasonable citizens objection to gay marriage comes in. You don’t have to be Albert Einstein to work out what comes next once gay marriage has become openly acceptable, and large numbers of homosexual couples are successfuly living happily together. Adoption.

You are probably thinking society would never allow that to happen. No, accepted norms change, and there will inevitably be a debate on this topic.

It will begin with people on the fringes of left leaning society, but slowly gather small pockets of acceptance. Eventually homosexual adoption will gain a legal beach head in forward thinking societies. Though-much like gay marriage-it will struggle to gain traction and be legistalted/repealed/relegistlated/re-repealed etc. etc. in an endless cycle, it will eventually become acceptable for two men or two women to adopt a baby.

It may take upwards of a half century, but eventually in lack of a clear consensus public opinion will develop will develop into two camps.

On one hand people who think it isn’t such a bad idea given that there are plenty of underperforming heterosexual (normal) parents. And on the other, people who think it is unwise to leave practicing homosexuals unsupervised in the presence of children or animals.

Personally I concur with both arguments. Especially given that plenty of heterosexual people, even some as normal as actor Richard Gere, have a well published record of animal sexual abuse.

Given that adoption may be considered the “finish line” of pro-gay activism, where will their attention turn once it is secured?

In all likelihood they will form a coalition with Richard Gere with the express aim of securing their rights to lay with animals.

Richard isn’t making isn’t working any more, so this is also inevitable.

Initially the gerbils will seem as though they are getting the rough end of the stick on this deal, but frankly I don’t see it like that. Presumably, many gay man have a much more spacious anus cavity than Richard Gere, so many gerbils will actually stand to benefit big time. (Except the ones that still get inserted into Richard Gere’s bum. Their workplace will largely remain unchanged.)

Eventually though, one can only assume the gerbils will seek to organize into labor unions and demand better remuneration, better working conditions, and better anal cavities.

I am not in a position to speculate on this any further, but it is surely inevitable.

It recounted an amusing anecdote regarding the colorful political identity.

Travelling at high speed along an outback highway, he observed a woman coming from the opposite direction, slow down, wind down her window and scream, "Pig!" Bob was a tolerant man, familiar with the language of the outback, but this was too much. He wound down his window and returned the compliment. "Bitch," he bellowed along with a string of expletives that would have made a bullock driver blush. Then he rounded the corner and crashed into a wild boar.

They can hit you whilst you are driving the car, or they can come when you are standing at a bar.

It can appear when you are riding a cow, or pushing a plough. As a matter of fact Ive got one now.

Boners.

That’s right, boners. And not just any old run of the mill standard boner. I am talking about awkward, prominent, regrettable boners.

For one reason, I just cant get enough of these little fellas.

It’s not easy to hide them is it. Sometimes if I am at work and get one, I usually just grab a stack of files, or my schedule diary and hold it out in front of the offending boner.

I am sure a lot of other guys must do this as well. It also has the positive spin off of making you look busy as well. Hell, odds are most guys walking around with files and folders are probably hiding a boner or two.

I bet this guy wishes he had a folder or schedule diary.

Some on the other hand, couldn’t give a bugger who sees them. Others, ( and I count myself amongst this number prefer to hide their boners where none would suspect it. Right under peoples noses.

Look at this cheeky devil. He probably waited until this ugly family gathered around for another boring happy snap during their vacation. It was probably shaping up to be quite a nice photo too, until this walrus thing wrestled them up half a mongrel.

I would have paid good money to see the looks on their faces when their photos came back from being developed.

Heres another good example of what I am talking about. Check out the cheeky grin on his face.

My other favorite boner variation is the sudden event of the half wood, with which perpetrator thinks doesn’t need hiding, or just completely gives up hiding.

Here are some of my favorites examples illustrating how the medium has developed over time.

Old Boney at his best

Definitely a senator who leans to the right.

Business as usual for this Princess no doubt.

The third, and final boner I would like to introduce for your consumption, is undoubtedly my favorite: The completely inappropriate boner.

They normally occur anywhere around small children, on crowded public transport, at a funeral, a family reunion, or during/ after an inappropriate subject is discussed.

I was looking through this article in the Daily Mirror archives regarding British Princess Beatrice going to the beach in the Caribbean.

Predictably, the 19 year old princes looked like a rite slapper, and reliably, the tabloid pulled her up on it.

given this is basically just a 19 year old girl at the beach with her boyfriend, normally this wouldn't interest me. The paper ran a fairy harsh, if entertaining description of the outing, which initially I though was a touch out of order.

But after a glance at the accompanying photographs, I was a bit shocked. (Not as shocked as I was in Europe last year when a German women at a gas station lifted her arm to reveal a hairy arm pit, but still pretty shocked none the less.

For starters look at this thing. It resembles a beast of the deep.

Warts and all. Bea comes up for air.

The article also unnecessarily mentioned her Mum's toe sucking incident in the 1990's, so extra points for that. Its always good to hear about that again.

Somebody tell them not to mate.

Better than the article though was the cattiness and nastiness of people in the comments section. Some people can be so dreadful cant they? Sitting there with a few drinks I couldn't help but giggle my way through the entire offering.

And on that note, here are my favorite 10 comments directly from the article.1.If she needs bodyguards at our expense the least they could do is look after her body. How can one so young have such an out of shape body? - Andrea, Hemel Hempstead, UK

She could probably tuck em both in her bikini bottoms and do away with the bra peice.

2.
She'll at least be worth having around at Christmas if members of the public lose their nutcrackers.

- Tracey, Paisley, UK

3.
Crikey, look at those thighs!
- Lynzie, Plymouth Devon UK

Go'on mate, get stuck in. And make sure you touch the back of the tits as well.

4.
Oh my god she is enormous - too much food and not enough exercise. Way way to large.

- Sarah, Gerrards Cross, UK

5.
She is a hefty lass!
- Susan, Murphysharpe, UK

You know its summer when the gals start showing their belly buttons.

6.
Child bearing hips I think...
- Mike May, Egham, UK

7.
Why would anyone allow her to go out in that bikini, knowing she would be photographed, her figure clearly doesn't "support" the garment and her mother should be spending time teaching diet and exercise to her own children before she goes on TV teaching others. Bea, hit the gym!

- Mair Brady, Hedge End, UK

The great beast circled, toying with its prey.

8.

What you would call "a bonnie lass"?
- Glyn, Southampton, UK

9.
Oh dear! This is the first pic I've seen of her in a bikini, and hopefully the last. She's hardly a fairytale princess is she?
- John, Sevenoaks, UK

Two straps. Better be safe than sorry. And we appreciate it!

10.
No matter how shocking her outfits, she wears them proudly, no matter that she should wear bras, she doesn't proudly, and no matter how much she probably shouldn't
- Oliver, Reading, UK

Regular readers will be in no doubt as to my credentials relative to Tokyo's modern art scene. I believe in art, and when people in Tokyo want a uninformed opinion on an upcoming gallery opening, I am many a Tokyo insider's first point of call.

If I have been to one gallery opening I have been to a thousand. And for good reasons. Most gallery openings nearly always have all 4 of my most favorites things.

Polished wooden floor boards.

Recently painted white walls.

Cheese.

White wine.

For the longest time I never used to find any pleasure in art, but the strangest thing happened about 5 years ago. After many years of being a hard core sports fan, my vocational circumstances suddenly meant I was never home to watch TV when sport was being broadcast. Within a short space of time, I completely lost touch with my teams, and before too much longer I lost all interest in sport.

Now I just find it all so completely pathetic and irrelevant.

Getting back to art. I am convinced that most thinking people go through a phase in their lives during which they are unable to appreciate or derive simple pleasure from intrinsically beautiful objects and concepts. Some are lucky to have this bred out of them by enlightened and sophisticated people around them.

Sadly though, for the most part, most people never seem to achieve any understanding or means of appreciating for art. Such people find minimal appeal in pursuits such as the theatre, ballet, and fashion, but always seem to be able to find ample time for low brow, down market pursuits such as sports, automobile racing, and television.

I'm glad I am not like that any more.

Anyway, in order to write a sophisticated post about art for the bums and degenerates my blog seems to attract, I realised that I needed to do a bit of hunting around on the topic before hand. In doing so I fully expected to find my favorite painting of all time; 'A Friend in Need'. Better known as the 'The dogs playing poker',

And I did. But I also stumbled onto something just as good. People who recreate art of Lego. Take this MC Escher piece. It must have taken some idiot days.

This next one below is not as elaborate, but its still a good idea. Points taken away for the non Lego hair.

There are literally hundreds of these. Its great stuff isn't it. In fact, most of the worlds most famous works have now been recreated in Lego.

Soaking up all of this Lego sculptures got my interest in art flowing. Before too long I found myself rubbing shoulders with other well educated, wealthy people at the National Art Center, Tokyo in Roppongi.

If my google analytic stats are anything to go by, you and my readers probably haven't been to this, or any other art galleries lately. You may however have seen pictures of it and its spectacular facade designed by Kisho Kurokawa.

I didn't have time to go inside and have a look at the exhibits but I did have a spare 20 minutes to walk around the exterior and the lobby.

The lobby is absolutely breathtaking. Like an open air canyon.

The massive concrete pylons that punctuate the lobby expanse are topped by upscale cafes and restaurants full of well dressed, good looking people. Such a breath of fresh air after walking through Roppongi before hand.

Forget the art and have lunch. I was kind of sorry I had my normal Subway footlong.

Things are definitely hotting up here in Tokyo, with the last few weeks particularly brutal. Japanese temperatures are nudging the mid 30’s in the mid afternoon, and the mid 40’s in my bum crack (around 100 farenhiet for the American’s without an adequate grasp of the metric system.)

(While I am on the topic, isn’t it amusing that however much American cultural imperialism embeds itself into every nook and cranny of our planet, the piss-weak, inferior, illogical system of measurement they stubbornly cling to remains universally shunned.)

Note to America: Miles, ounces, fahrenheit, pounds, quarts, inches and all the rest of it- you can stick it right up your bum.

While you are at it, also stick all the words you have invented to measure the various stages of education like freshman, elementary school, sophomore, and homecoming etc. Nobody understands them, or gives a damn, so don’t bother trying to explain them, Just stick em in ya bum.

At least somebody knows where to find information on the non metric system.

Lets get back on topic- summer heat. Just from walking around town speaking to, and eavesdropping on other Tokyoites this last week, it has become abundantly clear that many people have some pretty strange ways to keep cool.

Take Mrs. Jennifer Yamaguchi for example of Katsushika-ward, Tokyo. Her methods may be unorthodox, but at least she gets the result.

Probably be even more effective if she took the bottle cap of though.

For every one moron like Jennifer though, there are a thousand like Hiroshi here, of Bunkyo-ward. Hiroshi was one of dozens succumbing to the rising mercury during the post Tsuyu heat.

It wasn’t all bad for Hiroshi though as although he didn’t make it home, he did manage set a new posthumous Guinness record for the longest ass crack, eclipsing a very competitive field.

Another person I recently stumbled across was Anastasia of Yokosuka, a delightful eastern European Tokyoite also completely fed up with the July heat.

Anastasia tells me she normally makes a tidy living servicing off base US serviceman from the nearby navy base, but the summer heat has really been effecting business. “Once the mercury gets over 30, you can’t blame the guys for not wanting to come venturing off base for a handjob. It’s a lot of effort, and many are just preferring to just stay in an play Xbox or something” said Pamela.

By the way, its best to sit on Anastasia’s right side if you are down in Yokosuka for a handjob.

Anyway, so the summer heat is taking its toll on people, even journalists. Take yesterday for example, there I was sitting in my tatami room eating my muesli, as is my custom on Sunday mornings, when I opened up the paper and was confronted by this….

Yes I know. It’s absolutely appalling. Newspapers aren’t cheap anymore, and when I go to the trouble of having somebody deliver one, the least I expect is adequate, and professional typeface editing. As best I can estimate there are 9 (nine) font spaces open between this chap KIWEWEESI’s name, and his working title-PASTOR.

If I did that with a PowerPoint presentation at work, my boss would quite rightfully pull me up for it. It just comes down to either a) simple text alignment, b) taking half the longer word onto the next line, or c) popping an extra adjective or photograph in front of PASTOR.

Anyway, this put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day and it was all I could do to somehow manage to enjoy my surf. It was my pre laundry day so I was in my briefs again.

Welcome to the Cock And Balls Blog. A bastion of casual elegance for educated, discerning people to partake in the admiration of all things pleasant, as well as the ridicule of the lesser, more unsavory aspects of society best considered unworthy of any decent person’s attention.