Tracy- Season 4 | Episode: 9 Klaus and Greta | Scene: Angie is pregnant
We're going to name her after the place that she was conceived. It was a pretty wild night. So we're going to name her either Virginia, NetJet, or Bathroom at Teterboro Airport.

Look, I know for you, this is all just a way to meet married ladies, but it is my job.

Jack:

Let me give you some advice on uniting a divided people. Find a common enemy.

Liz:

A common enemy.

Jack:

For example, what keeps people polite on airplanes? A shared hatred of the C.B.S. sitcoms they're forced to watch.

Liz:

No, I understand the concept. Because with these dummies, the common enemy is always me. And I'm sick of it. I'm not going to be the bad guy this time.

Jack:

Then find someone else. I recommend Lutz. Why do I always want to choke that guy?

Liz:

You just do. But that's not my...

Nancy Donovan:

Am I interrupting?

Jack:

Of course not. Oh.

Nancy Donovan:

You're not a part of this, Liz. Why didn't you tell me you were coming up here?

Jack:

I wanted it to be a surprise. I hope that you, and, of course, Mark will come to the show on Friday.

Nancy Donovan:

I can't believe I'm in the same building as Bruins Beat. Come on, give me a tour.

Jack:

Of course.

Liz:

Ooh, actually, I'm going to tag along. I still haven't had a formal tour of the facility.

Jack:

Zzt.

Liz:

So I'm going to stay here.

Sean:

Why the long face? Your boss there making your life miserable?

Liz:

It's complicated, Sean.

Sean:

I know what it's like. I'm the head writer of Bruins Beat. Trying to have it all? It's wicked hard.

Nancy breaks down

Nancy Donovan:

Is this where they do the news?

Jack:

Small, isn't it? I've found that news anchors and breasts are always smaller than they look on T.V. You can try it.

Nancy Donovan:

I feel like Chet Curtis and Natalie Jacobson. Tonight's top story. A Worcester man accused of trading his foster son for gasoline.

Jack:

And later in the hour, 10 tips on how to make your cat's birthday go ''Purr-fectly Back to you, Nat.

Jack:

Nancy, are you okay?

Nancy Donovan:

Oh, God. I swore I wasn't going to cry in front of you. Mark left. Yesterday. He took a job in New Orleans.

Jack:

What? What about his roofing company?

Nancy Donovan:

Apparently, Brad Pitt and Sharon Stone did a crap job re-building those Katrina homes. Mark thinks that he can make a fortune down there. But I know the real reason he left. He wants to force me to be the one to ask for the divorce.

Jack:

So you guys are having problems? I'm sorry.

Nancy Donovan:

Oh, Jack, it's a mess. Suddenly, he has his own bank account. We've had our house on the market for a year. And neither one of us know what to do about the dog, because we both hate it.

Jack:

Have you talked openly about divorce?

Nancy Donovan:

Yeah, we talked to Dr. Phil And then we made a collage in our dream journals. No. You know how it is up here. People don't talk. They just run off to New Orleans and jump on that B.S. Saints bandwagon. Go Pats.

Jack:

Oh, Donovan, I hate seeing you like this.

Nancy Donovan:

Well, I've got to get going. I've got an open house tomorrow. And Mark was supposed to shovel the walk and salt the carport.

Jack:

I can barely understand you, but let me help while I'm here.

Nancy Donovan:

Do you know how to re-wire a doorbell?

Jack:

I do if you can resuscitate an electrocuted person.

Nancy Donovan:

Can you wire the doorbell to the dog?

Boston's historic Freedom Trail

Pete:

Okay, that's lunch!

Frank:

Dude, why do you keep fixing my spelling?

Pete:

We're back in at 3:00.

Liz:

No, 3:30. Enjoy the town, everyone! You're welcome. Now who would like to join me on a morale-boosting tour of Boston's historic Freedom Trail?

Kenneth:

Ooh, I would. ''N't.''

Tracy:

Now what am I supposed to do? I've got free time in a strange city.

Liz:

Why don't you come on the Freedom Trail with me? It's an educational walking tour.

Tracy:

''Purr-fect''! Like a cat birthday! How can I possibly get in trouble on a walking tour?

Pete:

Smash cut to...

John Hancock defends John Hancock

John Hancock:

And I, John Hancock, with one stroke of my pen, set all Americans free.

Tracy:

You lying, white devil! The only people you set free were rich, white dudes like yourself!

John Hancock:

I think my good friend and supervisor, Paul Revere, can address that.

Paul Revere:

I'm out, Kenny.

Liz:

Hey, you know what? We're gonna go.

Tracy:

Man, no! Most dudes that signed the Declaration of Independence owned slaves! What about you, John Hancock?

John Hancock:

Well, technically, I just inherited my slaves.

Tracy:

I knew it! For a dude that has the most hilarious last name I've ever heard, you blow! We didn't land on Plymouth Rock! Plymouth Rock landed on Mars!

Jack fixes the doorbell

Jack:

All right, give it a try.

Nancy Donovan:

Okay.

Jack:

Ah, I have many other valuable skills.

Nancy Donovan:

It'll be the new owner's problem. Just like the water heater. And the ghost.

Jack:

Well, it is a buyer's market right now. I think it'll turn around in the next year or so.

Nancy Donovan:

Oh, I can't wait that long. I got to sell this place if I want to get divorced.

Jack:

What do you mean?

Nancy Donovan:

Well, there's no money, Jack. If I can get some cash out of this place, then I can start a new life. Buy a condo in Marina Bay. Open a store for red-headed girls to buy cosmetics from someone who understands.

Jack:

So you need to sell this house to get divorced?

Nancy Donovan:

Basically. You looking for a country estate in Waltham?

Nancy Donovan:

There it is, see?

All Dale Snitterman's fault

Jenna:

Why did you even get to pick lunch again?

Lutz:

Because it's my birthday. And thanks for remembering. I'm 45. It's kind of a big deal.

Danny:

Who orders food from a gas station?

Lutz:

The Shell by me has good hot dogs.

Liz:

Guys, guys, come on. We're all in this together.

Frank:

Shut up, Liz! This is your fault.

Liz:

It's not my fault. I tried to do something nice. It was Jack...

Tracy:

Sure, find a scapegoat. Just like John Hancock did with the good King George.

Liz:

Jack made us come to Boston.

Jenna:

This isn't about Boston.

Tracy:

Boston was just the match that lit the powder keg. Like the tragic events at Lexington and Concord.

Frank:

That's right. We are sick of the long hours, the crappy food, sharing offices with the one black guy in New York who sucks.

Jenna:

Getting stuck with new cast members who don't even hit on us once.

Danny:

Stop trying to send dirty text messages to my landline, Jenna!

Kenneth:

And the winter. Oh, Lord, the winter.

Liz:

Really, you're blaming me for winter?

Frank:

Well we've got to blame someone. Who's it going to be if it's not you?

Liz:

You want someone to blame? I'll give you someone to blame. Dale Snitterman.

Pete:

Okay, I'm out.

Toofer:

Who the hell is Dale Snitterman?

Liz:

Dale Snitterman is the guy at N.B.C. who makes all the decisions that make us unhappy. Snitterman is the one who cancelled taco night in the commissary. Snitterman is the one who okayed that cast photo where your hair looks green. He's the one who keeps rejecting your ''summer shorts for the pages'' idea.

Tracy:

Sounds like one of King George's hated tax collectors.

Liz:

Exactly. Thank you, Tracy. You guys think I'm the bad guy? Fine, I don't care. But I fight for you every day. And if Dale Snitterman had his way, this show wouldn't even be on.

Jenna:

That vondruke!

Liz:

And all we can do to get back at him is put on the best damn show that we can. And not give him the satisfaction of everybody turning on each other. Or me. I love you guys.

Worlds greatest manager?

Liz:

You wanted to see the world's greatest manager?

Jack:

Is Kiyoshi Kawashima of Honda here?

Liz:

No, it's me. I'm a genius. I made up a fake N.B.C. executive and blamed everything that has ever gone wrong on him.

Jack:

The imaginary enemy. Classic move, Lemon. The Salem Witch Trials, the Red Scare, global warming. Now that you've cleaned up your little mess, I'll need to borrow some of your people to go to an open house in Waltham for me.

Liz:

Charlie What-now?

Jack:

Nancy spilled everything. Her husband left. And they're getting divorced if she can find someone to buy their house.

Liz:

And that someone is you.

Jack:

I'm just going to be the money man. The transaction will be conducted by one of your staff, who will be operating under the alter ego Silas Marymount-Peppercorn. A name I came up with.

Liz:

Oh, you should have come to me for your fake name. My executive? Dale Snitterman.

Jack:

Amazing, Lemon. Where do you come up with this stuff?

Liz:

Well, you know, the creative process is always a mystery.

Jack:

I just wish I could get inside that marvelous brain of yours. Oh, wait, I can.

Liz:

Okay, in this instance, the creative process was that I saw that name, forgot that I saw it and said it later.

Tracy gets in trouble

John Hancock:

Then, in 1754, I graduated from university here in Boston. Well, not in Boston, but nearby. No, not Tufts.

Tracy:

Don't listen to him! We fell for his lies 300 years ago. Don't let this slave-owning time-traveler fool us again!

John Hancock:

Excuse me. John Hancock was a patriot.

Tracy:

Then patriots are overrated.

Patriots Fan:

Hey! What'd you say about the Patriots?

Tracy:

I said they suck!

Tracy:

Uh-oh, here come the punches. This was all Snitterman's fault!

Kenneth and Cerie buy a house

Nancy Donovan:

Are you here for the open house?

Kenneth:

Hello, we are here from a different town for the open house, because we are interested in purchasing a house in this area.

Nancy Donovan:

I'm Nancy, the owner.

Kenneth:

I am Silas Marymount-Peppercorn. And this is my first wife. Moronica.

Cerie:

It's nice to meet you. I'm British.

Kenneth:

My wife and I have disparate levels of attractiveness, because I am a successful inventor.

Nancy Donovan:

Well, I've got to be honest. I was wondering. Well, all right. It's a three bedroom. And a partially finished basement.

Kenneth:

Partially finished? I'll take it!

Snitterman is here!

Frank:

Dudes! You're not going to believe this. Snitterman is here!

Jenna:

What?

Frank:

I was wandering around upstairs checking out the local cleaning lady talent and I found that son of a bitch's office!

Danny:

He's in Boston?

Frank:

We should go up there and mess him up for all the crap he's put us through. Right, Liz?

Yeah, take that, Snitterman! That's what you get for making us work late tonight! Yeah! We're working late tonight because of you!

Nancy isn't ready

Jack:

So how was the open house?

Nancy Donovan:

Well, somebody actually came for once. Nice, young couple. Weird last name, though.

Jack:

I'm sure your name is weird to them. Uh, any reason to open this?

Jack:

Did they make an offer?

Nancy Donovan:

No, they didn't.

Jack:

Really? Are you sure?

Nancy Donovan:

Yeah, that house is never going to sell. I'm going to take it off the market and see what happens in a year or so.

Jack:

But what about your plans? The condo? The store for pale teens?

Nancy Donovan:

I can't run a store and make change for people.

Jack:

Have another open house. I bet someone offers cash this time.

Nancy Donovan:

Not with that broken doorbell.

Jack:

We'll have it fixed.

Nancy Donovan:

No, I had an offer, okay? For 10 grand over the asking price.

Jack:

So what's the problem?

Nancy Donovan:

The problem is that I've been married for 23 years. The dumb house was just an excuse to stay put. You know, I'm not ready for a new life, Jack.

Jack:

Not ready? Nancy, we're 50.

Nancy Donovan:

Yeah, and that's too old to rush into anything. You know, you're not from here anymore. You know, down in New York, people are like, ''Let's get divorced. ''You marry the butler, and I'll be a gay Octomom.'' It's different here. People judge you.

Jack:

Who cares what people around here think? Your neighbors named their daughter Belichick!

Nancy Donovan:

I don't want to talk about it anymore.

Jack:

Of course you don't want to talk about it, you repressed, Irish maniac.

Nancy Donovan:

Don't want to talk about it!

Jack:

You must know that I have feelings for you.

Nancy Donovan:

No, not talking!

Jack:

And I don't want to pressure you, but if you were divorced...

Nancy Donovan:

No, let's go to Kelly's. Let's get some roast beef.

Jack:

Nancy, let me talk.

Nancy Donovan:

I'll give you two words.

Jack:

Ten.

Nancy Donovan:

Four, final offer.

Jack:

I'll wait. Not forever.

Nancy Donovan:

I'll try. Wicked hard.

John Hancock tries again

John Hancock:

Tracy, there you are! I want you to meet my fellow revolutionary and dear friend, Crispus Attucks. So you can see, John Hancock has black friends.

Tracy:

Uh-huh. And when did you two meet?

John Hancock:

Why, we met at the Sons of Liberty gathering. Uh, when was that, Crispus? 1775?

Tracy:

Really? So five years after Crispus Attucks was killed in the Boston Massacre?