Sunday, February 03, 2008

Stupid Groundhog

I know: I'm a knitter, I should love winter. Winter should be the season in which I, wool-mad needlefreak that I am, should come into my own. Cozy sweaters! Toasty hats! Sweet widdle mittens and cunning widdle swippers to warm your chilly fingerses and toeses! Oooooh!

Screw it.

This little body is built of genes drawn from the sunny pools of Lebanon and Sicily. I'd make a capable camel herder or tuna fisherman. But I'm not so good in the cold. When the first arctic blast hits town I start to shrivel. By June, when this misbegotten city finally starts to thaw, I'm just a chewed bit of wet string fit only to serve as a cat toy.

I learned during my first winter to just forget about looking presentable for three-quarters of the year. In Boystown, where I live, the fellows generally gird themselves against winter in the snappy fashion here modeled by Cody, fresh from the hottest brunch spot on Halsted Street, where he always gets a good table because his boyfriend Schuyler's best friend Ramon slept with the host and has threatened to tell his wife.

Cody is sporting a thin, short jacket; elegant leather gloves; a silk scarf; a jaunty, little hat; and kicky Italian leather shoes. No bulky insulated coats here, no sir. They spoil the trim line of the figure.

A couple of years ago, in November, I tried walking to the grocery store dressed like that. I got diptheria. This is my typical winter silhouette.

Franklin is wearing a schlubby earflap hat, Thinsulate gloves, two scarves, waterproof construction boots, long underwear, three sweaters and an everything-proof ski parka from L.L. Bean that his parents bought him when they noticed his lips were turning blue. He is still cold.

And now that bastard groundhog has indicated that we get the extra-long edition of winter this year. Sure. What does he care? Does he have to leap over gigantic, shin-deep pools of filthy slush at every street corner? Does he have to risk frostbite in order to replenish the household supply of Cheerios? Does he have to wait, shivering, on an elevated platform for the arrival of a downtown train that smells like butt? No, he's done his bit for 2008 and can just go back to sleep until it's time to wake up and have sex with the hot mama in the next burrow.

If I ever meet him I'm going to kick his ass.

In the meanwhile, yeah, I'm knitting. Tom has asked for a scarf and hat to keep him warm while walking the dog, and so I'm working on a watch cap for him using Elizabeth Zimmermann's variation on brioche stitch, which she calls Prime Rib.

It looks at first glance like regular k2/p2 ribbing, but it has slipped stitches and k2togs and weird yarn-overs in it, and the result is a bizarrely stretchy, bulky rib. Cuddly in excelsis. I figured there must be something special about it, because this hat is knit flat and then sewn up–and you know Elizabeth is not one to recommend flat knitting and seams without a darn good reason. So far it's a soothing knit for frazzled nerves.

Oooh, the perky television weather lady just said it's going to warm up tomorrow–32 degrees! Excuse me, won't you, while I go dig out my bikini?

102 comments:

aww, poor Franklin! The winter I suffered through in Columbus Ohio was punctuated by the coat we bought at the army surplus. The only time I was warm that entire winter was when wearing that coat. Then I moved southward.

I maintain that since it's a Pennsylvania groundhog, only Pennsylvania will get the extended winter. Full Spring Ahead in Oklahoma! (Which will last for exactly 2.3 days, after which it will be Hade... um, Summer.)

After three long, miserable Chicago winters in the 60's, I can certainly sympathize. I get the shivers when I think of it. No amount of knitted fuzziness can keep you warm when that wind blows off the lake. Give that groundhog an extra kick for me.

Thanks for the hearty chuckle. I live in Seattle now, but grew up in Milwaukee. Believe me, I know how it is. Was in Milwaukee twice this winter and the horrors of the snow and wind brought it all back in chilling detail. Chicago is even worse. Sorry. Thank goodness for wool though. MaryB

Have heart, this morning the weather man said it's supposed to get up to 47 on Monday and Tuesday! Granted, it's also supposed to snow/rain both days, but still! Much better than what we've had lately.

My daughter tells me that she looks similar to your 2nd sketch when she heads out to classes at DePaul law in the morning! She and her roomate take turns 'bundling' each other up....ah, but she LOVES Chicago anyway :-)

I've lived in some pretty cold places myself--nine years in Boston, and now I'm in the Finger Lakes of upstate New York--but I've never experienced winter winds as bitter as those in Chicago. (My first visit to Chicago was in early January with single-digit highs). Man, you have my sympathies...

Ahh, but you live closer to Kimmy the Groundhog in Sun Prairie, WI than to Phil...and Jimmy predicted that spring is right around the corner. http://www.groundhogcentral.comI'm thinking "Cody" looks a bit like Tom...just add some facial hair!

Sweetie, you forgot your protective layer of Crisco or Vaseline on all the exposed bits . . . that would keep you a tad bit warmer and smelling of, well, shortening. As a Pennsylvanian, we are more than happy to share our shit-tastic weather with the rest of the country. And, having a resident ground hog in our yard, I wouldn't recommend "kicking his ass" - nasty little critters. Keep warm with the knitting!

I can't believe it, but your post makes me miss Chicago. My first winter there I learned a serious lesson about 9 degree weather and steel-toe boots. Once I figured out dressing a la your example no. 2, I was good. It was the length of winter that got to me in the end - come March 1st, I would snap. I found that I could survive it by planing an escape to somewhere warmer for mid march. Then I had to move away. Sigh.

I can sympathize - I also live on a Great Lake. In addition to the numbing cold, however, we also get "Lake Effect" snow - you know, when cold air moves across water and draws it to the sky where it is changed into snow that gets dropped back to earth at the rate of a 3 feet per hour. You should see my snow shoveling outfit. You look absolutely svelt in contrast. Happy winter to you, Franklin. No matter how cold it is outside, you warm my heart every time I read your blog. Can't wait for the book. Wish you were coming to Erie, PA, or even Pittsburgh, for your 1,00 knitters.

Franklin, is there really a c in schlubby? (I've been spelling it wrong all these years . . . damn!)

I grew up in Arlington Heights, and yes, Chicago winters are colder than anything. This is why Harry's remarks about the cold in Michigan puzzled me so much; whatever weather we have, you guys had yesterday, only worse.

I'm so sick of winter. It's 8 months long, and I have to dress like you, and yep, I'm still cold too, and I don't understand those other people (and I've got northern European genes. I should be able to handle this, right? Maybe someone lied to me about my genes. Hmm...). I'm tired of wearing 40 layers to go outside and shivering and then seeing people with nothing on their heads when it's 5F. WTF?!

I visited your personal hell two weeks ago. It was 3 degrees. I praised WinterSilks for days (gotta love long underwear!).Here, just south of you, we seem to get the same cold, unbelievable winds (at least you have buildings to slow it down), and now --- in combination with the cold and the snow -- FOG! WTF?? Last night it was so foggy (blinding white fog above the icy streets) that I was doing 20 mph on a 55 mph road.

I'll gladly join the posse to smite that blasted groundhog! I loathe weather where your options are either freezing to death or looking like the Michelin Man!

I am writing this comment through tears of laughter!! I love your winter outfit Franklin, it is just what I would of selected to wear if living where you do. Come back to Sacramento!!!!! its 57 today and sun is out.

Everywhere I ever lived, 6 more weeks of winter from Feb 2 would be a bargain. Think of the alternative: 8 weeks? 10 weeks? I've lived places where blizzards can happen in April and one doesn't truly believe spring will come until early May. If I thought I'd be done in mid-March, I'd call it good.

I have a question, seeing as you seem to be quite the expert in knitting. i am trying to make socks....I have never knitted them before, only crocheted them. i hate using dpns and i do have circulars, i just need a pattern for simple instruction for beginners?

Franklin, I am so with you! This California girl is not surviving her first Wisconsin winter with any grace. I'm just closing my eyes as tightly as I can and hoping it will all pass soon. Stupid groundhog!indeed. Pooh.

Oh, Franklin, come live with us in NYC where it's sunny and 50 today. We have hardly had any snow this year and Staten Island's groundhog did not see its shadow, so early spring for us!!!!! I spent a winter in Chicago and still tremble at the memory of sideways snow.

Ha! You think you've got it bad. I live in Canada, and the dog must be exercised, everyday, twice a day. I gear myself up in head to toe wool. The only thing I haven't knitted yet is a pair of pants, but I'm thinking of it....

OK, see, here's your problem, Franklin. You listened to that Puxatawny piker, the know-nothing faker, the PRETENDER. (Rumor has it that his mother was a muskrat but you didn't hear it from me.) No NO, mon cher. Listen rather to Jimmy-the-Groundhog from Sun Prairie (already sounds warm, non?) Wisconsin, who says "Mais NON, mes amies!" There will NOT be six more weeks of winter; rather an early spring is in the offing. Fear not - and you're more in OUR weatherbelt than Pennsylvania's anyway. Who you gonna listen to?

The prime rib hat is an example of EZ (and I am astounded to write this) being wrong. (I'm sorry.)

EZ believe it was impossible to knit prime rib in the round. She even states as much, somewhere. I carefully watched a friend knitting prime rib in the round, and said "You can't do that, EZ says it's not possible." Another knitting author figured it out...

Having missed most of the winter (vertigo!) and coming out of hibernation myself, I'm with you! I'll even bring the 20 inch metal size 2 needles!My trick to surviving cold AND wind is layer, tucked in. For example, undershirt tucked into pantys, tee shirt tucked into long johns, etc. Keeps me warm but I have to schedule my bathroom breaks and work has learned that I need extra time behind the closed door.AS for EZ, she saved my sanity back in December. Gyro spinning is not condusive for reading patterns and/or working with fingering yarn and #00 needles. I had to knit and remembered EZ's Baby Surprise jacket pattern. Voila! 5 in one month.

Geez, the frustrations of winter seems to be a theme running through the knitblogiverse--you, me, the Harlot! (Rabbitch too? Can't remember for sure.) Half my ancestors are from the British Isles, and half are from the Philippines ... guess which half seems to be in control of my cold tolerance.

Growing up in Minnesota, I never understood the ground hog/six weeks of winter thing. To me, six more weeks of winter after February 2 was A Good Thing, an early spring, a portent of then-unknown global warming. I knew that, realistically, I could expect 8 to 12 more weeks of winter.

I was in Chicago 2 weeks ago when it was zero and saw no one dressed like Cody. Of course, I never got north of the art institite...

Meanwhile, perhaps you can pity us perverse people who actually like winter. It will be only a few more weeks before you'll be happily basking in the sun and I'll be dragging out the SPF 8 million (damn Celtic skin), sweating miserably and dreaming of Siberia. Yin and yang. We make the world go round. Or something like that.

Also, the holiday 2006 edition of VK has a brioche-in-the-round tutorial from Meg Swansen.

I've made many of the EZ brioche rib hats flat, but haven't tried the circular method yet. Sewing up the seam is a pain to get it to look right, so my next brioche will be an attempt in the round, with the help of the internet and Meg Swansen.

You know, Phil's track record is pretty lousy. I wouldn't trust that overgrown little weasel. A Ukrainian woman at my other job was doing a rib pattern just as you described with slipped stitches and yarn overs that were k2tog'd on the next row, almost like a heel flap variation. She said it was very commonly used in Russia for the bottom of hats, etc and called it English Ribbing. Sue F.

Okay, I know this sounds crazy, but if you lived somewhere colder (yes, I did just say colder) then you would be in the height of fashion because everyone would have to dress like you. I say this as someone who spent a number of years living in upstate New York.Or I hear Miami is nice.

Upstate NY is just like that. Every winter, I wonder if I'm going to survive this one. February is the hump month here, though. As in, after February we're over the hump. March and April are not pleasant, but you can start to see glimmerings of warm and green some days.

Bikini!? Is there a contest for readers to see you model said bikini? O.o

I hope the weather betrays that rodent and pleases you with warm sunshine early. And by the way, your sillouette is far more cuddly and hug-inviting than that Cody (even though Cody is my first name, haha!)

Oh,Franklin! Come to Georgia!!General Lee (our Ga. groundhog) predicted an early spring - i.e. high of 67 tomorrow. But with rain, which we need so very desparately!I wish I could send you some warm weather!kk

Ahh..I think I've been to that brunch spot. My roommate and I used to go out for errands and whatnot and we looked like an Oreo cookie with our matching black (her) and white (me) down coats. Only the multi color knitted hats we'd both made up kept us from looking too monochromatic.

I'm there with you on hoping for an early spring... Here in WI it's doing similar "warm" things--nearly freezing and all that.

I know this is going to sound bizarre, but if you can stand it, try eating spicy hot food. I ate some one really cold winter day by accident, and I was quite surprised to discover that I actually felt warm for the first time in months. My northern european blood still can't get used to anything too spicy, but in the wintertime, it seems I need a bit of an internal chemical flame. Good luck!

I suggest going with two layers of long underwear. Two tops, two leggings.

Also those little heat packets they sell at walmart are handy. You shake them up and they stay warm for hours. While they are only one use they're made from biodegradable materials so that helps. Keeps the toes from going numb.

Shin-deep icy slush in the puddle at the curb? I watched that film yesterday too.

In 1967 it snowed in southern NH in May. I could hear the anguished shrieks of the people from upstate New York from outside the dormitory - the ones who had laughed at me for wearing my winter coat that morning.I _like_ your silhouette in picture#2.

I honestly love you. I'm a hat and scarf gal, and the other kindergarten moms look more fashionable. But their ears are all red and cold, whilst I toddle along snug as a bug. except my nose. I need to knit myself one of those fancy nosewarmers. But then I might just look silly.

Poor you. Over here, Portsmouth, Hants, UK, the spring is beginning to spring. Snowdrops have been out for weeks, crocuses have been out for a while - though windblown & severely battered by torrential rain, & now the daffodils are coming into bloom.

Guess you could always go on an extended 1,000 knitters shoot of the Southern States - til about July. Or maybe even relocate?

Well, I live in Boston and its not much better, I live in an old drafty apartment with less than ideal insulation and its been almost as miserable here. Flannel, long underwear and many, many hand knit blankets and sweaters have been my friends this year. Personally, think surrounding myself with my roving for spinning might be the solution! Stay warm.

I had a student come to class today in flip-flops. FLIP-FLOPS! Aparently up here in the land of Michigan (i.e. land of the crazy people), 29 degrees far. equals warm. (I, however, am from Los Angeles originally. 29 degrees is nowhere near what I consider warm. 29 degrees equals sitting, wrapped in a few blankets, listening to Melisande sing "no me tushy pa" with a cup of cocoa.) And people say southern Californians are weird...

They Franklin drawing looks suspiciously like me. And the Franklin mood matches mine too! I'll gladly hold Phil the groundhog down while you kick is a**! Up to 9 more inches of snow tomorrow?!?!? WTF!!! I moved from northern Maine for this?!?

Too funny and only reinforces my family's idea that I suffer from dementia as I have an unexplained longing to move to the mountains of Colorado.This piece alone would be worth whatever the price of the book will be! No pressure, just saying...I am saving my lunch moneyKatrina

Oh dear, I had to giggle when you complained that you are genetically fit for a different climate. I'm always saying I'm genetically programmed for the cool, rainy, grey days we have here in Oregon (redhead with fair skin). I am one of the few that bop in on rainy days gushing about how cozy it is and how green everything will be.

Just so you don't think I'm saying neener neener...I grew up in Arizona. I was miserable for 20 years. Even in the winter when the weather is supposedly fantastic. I hated that I could still walk around barefoot in the winter. Wrong. Just. Wrong.

I'm with TheBunny. I dread the approach of April, and look forward eagerly to October. So I feel your pain; it's just in a bassackwards way.

What I never figured out is why the hell a groundhog seeing his shadow means more winter! Surely sun out = shadow visible, no? If the sun's out in February, how on earth is that supposed to forecast cold? You'd think it'd be the other way around.

Meanwhile, those of you who hate winter might want to come up with a scheme whereby groundhogs that come out of their holes in February are attended by people holding large tarps over them as sunshades.

it is a great hat. just a small seam and very toasty in return. i believe it is difficult or useless to knit brioche or prime rib or whatever you choose to call that stitch in the round (obviously it has to be named after something edible). in danish it is patent stitch directly translated.

I've done that hat a couple of times... it does STRETCH a bit. I found going down a couple of needle sizes from the yarn suggestion works well. I LOVE the color your working in! Be careful, that stitch is addictive.and you mention Lebanon? We might be cousins on the Lebanese side - nice to meet you!

I think the whole thing is fraudulent! When I watched it on TV, Pugsatawny Phil (The national groundhog), was pulled out of a box, and held up in the air. The poor thing looked like he knew it was too cold.

Lebanese and Sicilian? That's a fierce combo? How about skipping Chi-town for a quick vacation in Sicily? It'll help you cope with rest of the winter.

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