Friday, November 23, 2012

Back in Black

I'm dreaming of a black friday
When I can show off what I bought
where the deals shine
and shoppers whine
'bout parking...way across the lot

I'm dreaming of black Friday
with every credit card I swipe
may your bags be heavy, not light
and may all your purchases fit right.

Tis' the season. And I mean seasoning on apple pie. The holly is hung by the chimney with care, the radio station is playing twelve different renditions of "the twelve days of Christmas," and college students are raiding the D.I. for ugly Christmas sweaters.

Of course, to start the season off right, you must first get through black Friday successfully.

You're probably wondering......actually you're probably not wondering but I'm going to tell you anyway, what I think about black Friday starting on Thursday this year.

Blasphemy.

I'm going to go ahead and pretend like it started today because for me, it did.

Now, my parents did a first-rate job at protecting me from the world of black Friday. I must admit that I didn't know such a thing existed until about 2 years ago. This was probably in an effort to avoid 1:00 A.M. doorbusters with an enthusiastic shopper-daughter. Well played mom and dad.

But I have since realized that the early early morning is not the time to go anyway. Which brings us to our Black Friday tips.

1. Don't go for those "early bird specials." (unless, of course, you want electronics. In that case, you might as well spend thanksgiving camped out, honey.)---Go at a time when most of the crazies have come, raided, and left with a few "disturbing the peace" tickets. This means about 3:00 P.M.

YOU: what??? most of the goods will be gone by then

ME: Stores plan pretty well for Black Friday. I'm talking major stocking up. they have enough clothes to replace them regularly and By 3:00 the crazies have been escorted off the premises, the teenagers who stayed up all night are taking naps, and the 3-year old needs lunch, removing stroller-mom from the scene.

3:00 is prime time, my friends.

2. The mall. The mall is your best friend today, I promise. Too many other people try to go to individual stores. If the store doesn't have what they came for, they feel like they can't leave without buying something because it will feel like they wasted a lot of time to go to that specific store (which it did.) = fewer things for you at said store = mall is best option.

3. Let's try to avoid participating in this

let's try to show a little decorum, people.

4. avoiding the cart people.

you know the ones.

the ones who look like this

with their big pleading eyes. And you start to think that maybe you DO need poor quality, neon green hair extensions.

STOP! do not get sucked in to the 500 lotion/phone case/ decorative candy carts at the mall! you need to walk straight ahead, eyes forward, with a sense of purpose. these mall cart merchants can smell hesitancy.

5. gift cards.
Hit the places where you have gift cards first, because, hey. You have to spend money there anyway, right? It's also an opportune time to break out those gift cards with 60 cents left on them. You just have to ask if you can buy something with the money on the card, and then pay the rest with cash.

Today is the day to do it because there is no way the cashier will ever remember you after seeing an army of well-dressed shoppers coming in all day, and s/he won't have the energy left to give you the stink eye.

6. listen to Christmas music whenever possible. It helps curb the anger toward people who can't decide if they're a size 2,4,6,8,10, or 12, and therefore feel the need to take the whole pile to the dressing room.

Yes, my friends, the unofficial holiday celebrating violence, selfishness, and buying for yourself when you promised to buy for others.