Friday, November 25, 2011

"There is a point in our culture beyond which camp and kitsch no longer make the least ironic sense, where consumerism loses its last mooring to civilization, where even seemingly legitimate protest devolves into farce. That point is Black Friday... There’s a point where healthy consumerism becomes out-of-control marketing-driven commodity fetishism, and when we find ourselves checking our smartphones for last minute online deals while standing in line for a chain store opening at midnight on Thanksgiving, we are clearly too far gone. That’s insanity."

The only thing more indicative of the end of the American empire than, say, the 2012 roster of GOP presidential nominees -- and maybe the success of the Kardashians -- is the fact that millions of people are fucking stupid enough to not only stand in line but attempt to beat each other nearly to death for bargains on "Black Friday." Not that anybody who participates in the Black Friday madness would give a crap, but the entire phenomenon is like a litmus test for me -- the perfect litmus test, actually. It works like this: If you get anywhere near a store or shopping mall today -- if saving a little money is worth willingly trudging through the traditional Boschian hellscape of those kinds of crowds to you -- then I don't want to know you and you deserve to be ridiculed endlessly by the rest of us who are sitting comfortably at home all day.

If you went shopping today, if you're proud of the deep discounts you got waiting in line at midnight, you need to be sterilized for the good of mankind.

I am proud to say that, after my niece suggested my mother go with her to some of the early BF sales last night, my mom (who just got done putting up the mass leftovers from Turkey Day) told her to shove it. Much nicer than that, but the sentiment was there.

Of course, someone at Cracked has helpfully described how full of bullshit the concept of "Black Friday" really is.

One good thing about it though: I can simply wait until folks start selling their still-good crap on Craigslist (it's more than sick, twisted sex with strangers and appliances. I know, I'm shocked too) or pawn shops to get deals just as good, if not better.

I know one thing though. I don't want to hear a single Black Friday camper say one fucking word about OWS being lazy hippies. At least they did it for weeks and want to help other people.

Amen Chez.It makes me sick to my stomach... The cattle line of overstuffed people so crazed for a sale with no regard for one another or the people that must schlep to work at midnight on a holiday to cater to the masses Granted, I hate shopping on a good day. (my identification word - tchotchke - ironic)

I agree. How is the prospect of saving a little money on Christmas presents worth all of that stupidity? I worked in retail for 10 years; just thinking about the type of assholes that stand out there waiting to trample one another the second the door opens makes me want to punch someone in the face.

Unfortunately, I work for one these big box retailers, and I've been spending all day with these people. I think I might fashion a crude flamethrower in order to clear some of these crowded checklanes.

What I love even more is how Americans piss and moan how there are no manufacturing jobs or that wages are utterly stagnant, yet we continue to worship at the alter of consumerism that refuses to pay for decent benefits or wages.

Its amazing to me, whether its toys covered in lead paint or toxic drywall, we import wholesale because we are too damn cheap to make a damn thing anymore.

Weird but true: Black Friday is, at least for us, the perfect day to take the kids to see the Mall Santa. Everybody's running around from sale to sale, and nobody brings their kids, since the little buggers would slow down the Cavalcade of Consumerism and reduce shopping time. Lines were deep at all the registers, but not for ol' Santy.

Because of Black Friday's orgy of acquisitions, we can let our older kid chat at leisure with the Jolly Old Elf and our younger scream her fucking head off in terror at the sight of the same Elf, get a few cute pictures, and go home quickly. No waiting, no fuss, except for the little one screaming in abject fucking terror at the monstrous hairy red beast-man who she's sure is going to fucking eat her any second and pick his teeth with her tiny bones.

I'm not sure if "Black Friday Santa Access" is a local quirk, but any other parents out there who dread the Santy Claus line should consider trying it.

My black Friday was spent in a drunken stupor, thanks to the fact that my family said "fuck it" this year to us cooking and "fuck yes" to going to a casino and hitting up the buffet and bar until about 2. Seriously - tryptophan, prime rib, and vodka-induced hangovers are THE BEST.

I stayed home, but a lot of people I know didn't. They went out and shopped Black Friday, they pursued the sales and went after every bargain that they could.Not because they are proud consumerists, not because they just gotta have the new trinket, but by and large because they are poor. Some people put up with the aggravation and the bullshit not because they love shopping, but because every single nickel is precious to them.Before you issue sweeping generalizations, Chez, consider things like that. You have just wished that the destitute be sterilized. Think about what that means, and then apologize.

I was waiting for some humorless, sanctimonious asshole to make that kind of claim, but, man, you really exceeded my expectations. First of all, I always enjoy it when someone comes to this site, misses the giant "Making a Mockery of Mockery" line in the masthead and takes offense at something I say, even going so far as to get righteously indignant about it. Then on top of that to actually demand an apology -- that's a hoot.

The people in the video I put up not far above this particular post -- who I think are pretty representative of the overall mentality that Black Friday lives and dies by these days -- weren't ripping the doors off the hinges at Wal-Mart, beating each other nearly to death and sacrificing every last shred of human dignity they had to get at food for their families or necessities that they couldn't otherwise afford. They were stomping people into the ground to get a $2 waffle iron. A fucking waffle iron. Bottom line, oh pious anonymous one: nope, no apology for you.

I'm a veteran network news producer and manager, a regular contributor to the Huffington Post and the Daily Banter, and a writer who's been featured in the New York Observer and the Village Voice. I'm also the author of a book called Dead Star Twilight and the founder of DXM Media, a firm specializing in television production as well as social media strategies and consulting. On top of all that nonsense, I'm the co-host of "The Bubble Genius Bob & Chez Show" podcast and radio show with Bob Cesca. To find out more about me and/or throw money at me, go here. You can contact me at deusexmalcontent@gmail.com or chez@dxmmedia.com

A special edition of my full-length memoir, Dead Star Twilight, is now available in e-book format on a pay-what-you-want basis. The downloaded is absolutely free; if you choose to pay for it, just click the "donate" button below the download link. Pay whatever you'd like. Pay nothing. It's your choice.

"As a blogger, Chez Pazienza is filled with outrage, passion and insight -- delivered with a distinctive point of view, a wicked sense of humor, and a two-fisted style of prose. In Dead Star Twilight, he turns all these on himself -- and produces a fierce, funny, disturbing, but ultimately uplifting memoir. This is the book A Million Little Pieces dreamed of being."

"Pazienza could be accused of many things... but he could never be faulted for dumbing us down. His glued-shut prose and bawdy metaphors provide a deeply appreciated, and hilarious, literary diversion."

-- Gelf Magazine, "Insolence Is Bliss," June, 2008

"Snarly, not snarky."

-- Andrew Breitbart

"A delusionally subjective, condescending blog, filled with hostile generalizations and a million exaggerations."

-- Paul Krassner, 60s counter-culture icon

"You're the Antichrist."

-- Mary Elizabeth Williams, Salon.com

"It is truly sad that someone like Mr. Pazienza has a public forum to express his views. In a more civilized time he would, at best, be confined to an institutio­n for the criminally insane or, at the very least, marginaliz­ed from civilized society."