I’ve often been amused by the app store. You see some pretty ridiculous things at times. But back on the 31st of May, shortly after proclaiming there ought to be a national holiday celebrating the arrival of Vidalia onions in the grocery store (and you know I’m right…Earth Day? Who would care if it didn’t give us tasty onions?), I saw an app store description so absolutely ridiculous that I felt compelled to tweet about it, which I’d never done before.

A few days later, another tweet followed with something equally absurd. Finally, after about a week, I stumbled upon an app that was so bizarre (be worried, it will show up here soon enough) that I decided I wanted to share the insanity in a broader format. The realization that I needed to not just talk about these apps, but to actually play and review them cemented the whole shebang.

So, without further ado, here’s the app store description that started all of this, presented to you in its entirety with limited commercial interruption:

SpaceRide is a ride through space, where you have to ride your spaceship through space and avoiding the space monsters. The more you get miss the more lives you get, collect the jewels falling to collect more points.

I think @pharaby said it best when she replied “….so, it’s all about…SPACE?! ”

Having purchased and played SpaceRide I can confirm that, yes, it is indeed about space. You need no longer suffer in anguish over that little mystery. Strangely, the in-game text is far more coherent.

SpaceRide is a vertical-scrolling game where you tilt your iDevice to avoid “the evil Space Bubbles”. There’s no shooting here, just avoiding. Apparently, Space Bubbles are much more resilient than normal bubbles and don’t pop.

So you tilt your device (while holding it either horizontally or vertically) to dodge the bad guys falling from the top of the screen. You get points as time passes, and also for picking up space gems. There are no levels, no boss fights, no increase in speed or enemy frequency, nothing. Nada. Zilch. You’ll have seen everything the game has to offer within seconds. Furthermore, the game is ridiculously easy: you could keep a single game going indefinitely if you wanted. And hey, feel free to post that high score to Facebook!

Visually, I was surprised to see that the aforementioned ride actually has a really cool 80’s retro vibe going for it. This ship would look totally at home in a Galaga clone. The Space Bubbles are a bit of a different story. Actually, they’d be more convincing as Space Boogers.

One thing I just have to mention: if you’ve played iOS games with poor tilt controls, of which there are many, you can imagine my sense of dread when I realized SpaceRide was exclusively tilt-controlled. Shockingly, the controls are really good, among the best I’ve seen. Too bad there isn’t a more exciting game to go with them.

(Ironically, this video showing the opening minutes of MTV’s first broadcast appears to be flash-based and I can’t find a suitable replacement. Sorry!)

SpaceRide is certainly not the worst the app store has to offer (though I can safely say we’ll be visiting that territory soon enough). It’s also not something I’d suggest you go out and spend money on. Still, kind of like “Video Killed the Radio Star“, it will hold a place in my heart as the one that started it all.