Writer of Various Things

Breaking out the 5-HTP and Buffy.

It’s been a hard couple weeks. I can’t even remember why, now, or if there is a why. I just know that when Wednesday came around, it was an exception. I felt much better. I literally thought:”Wow, I feel so much happier. How odd that I had to drag myself through yesterday, and today feels really okay.” Wednesday was the kind of day where strangers on the bus and retail workers respond to you more favorably because your good mood is so apparent. I went to lunchtime yoga, and when the instructor didn’t show and they asked if anyone was willing to lead the class, I raised my hand! Afterward, people thanked me and said I did a really good job.

The happy feeling lasted until about 3:30 PM when the bank called to say that, even though it had seemed to be a done deal, I wasn’t going to be able to re-finance my mortgage. I pay a quite high interest rate–almost 7%. Refinancing at a lower rate was going to save us a few hundred dollars a month, making it more okay that I’m going part time, and even allowing me to put some money toward some student loans.

But again, the existence of the student loans make it impossible. Even though I have never missed a payment, ever, somehow the new rules say the risk is too great. So the result is that I keep paying $300 more every month, meaning that my student loans at over 8% continue to accrue like gangbusters.

For some reason this just hit me harder than usual. I guess because I thought I saw a little light at the end of the tunnel, but it just wasn’t there. Again. So, big plummet in mood, lower than it had been before Wednesday, and, like I said, that hasn’t been awesome. I make it through work, because everyday at work is like a state of emergency these days, so it’s pretty much all responding and very little initiating, but when I got home at the end of the day, there’s nothing left. I managed to turn on the TV and turn on Buffy–Season One, Episode 1.

On Thursday I made myself pick up the phone and speak coherent sentences to one friend in order to make future plans (optimistic enough to assume I wouldn’t still be depressed by the first week in February.) She said that in her life right now she was experiencing an unreal convergence where she had enough money, enough time and enough energy, all at the same time, to do the things she wanted. This seems like such a distant, foreign concept to me, that I can’t even be jealous. I just turn the idea around in my mind, like the idea of living in an igloo, being a ninja, or being able to find Uzbekistan on a map.

This weekend was better, or at least I filled it with busyness. New roommate, M, moved in. Spent time out with my Mom–she’s leaving next Saturday, and so it was the last opportunity since my weekdays are pretty full. Fortunately she likes to do projects, so we found and hung curtains and towel bars in several rooms of the house–which I consider forward progress on the organization front… even though it entailed the avoidance of actual organizing…but much of the thrust of the organizing thing and the cleaning thing is about living with better aesthetics, so it was in the spirit of the project.

Did I write? Yes, but didn’t privilege it because of aforementioned things– Mom’s last week in town, moving roommate and accordant preparation, and the fact that I REALLY want the organization thing to work this time. I may have to live with poverty for the rest of my life, but Universe willing, I won’t have to live with debilitating clutter.

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One thought on “Breaking out the 5-HTP and Buffy.”

The first time I heard that song, "Going Through the Motions," I thought "This is a song about being depressed," because that's *exactly* how I feel when I'm on the depressed side of things.Just want to say I can relate :-). The idea of having both enough money and enough time to do things that are fulfilling seems utterly impossible to me right now.Also, f**k the banks.