This blog started as something to heal from my miscarriage but now my miscarriage is only a part of my life of healing. Yes I'm still healing from the loss of Tristan. But I have many other parts of my life that needed healing as well. Learning to enjoy and find the blessings of this journey God is leading me on.

Monday, April 19, 2010

To My Dear Children,You may not know me, but I know everything about you. (Ps 139:1)I know when you sit down and when you rise up. (Psalm 139:2)I am familiar with all your ways. (Psalm 139:3)Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. (Matthew 10:29-30)For you were made in my image. (Genesis 1:27)In me you live and move and have your being. For you are my offspring. (Acts 17:28)I knew you even before you were conceived. (Jeremiah 1:4-5)I chose you when I planned creation. (Ephesians 1:11-12)You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book. (Psalm 139:15-16)I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live. (Acts 17:26)You are fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14)I knit you together in your mother's womb. (Psalm 139:13)And brought you forth on the day you were born. (Psalm 71:6)I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me. (John 8:41-44)I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love. (I John 4:16)And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. (I John 3:1)Simply because you are my child and I am your Father. (I John 3:7)I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. (Matthew 7:11)For I am the perfect Father. (Matthew 5:48)Every good gift you receive comes from my hand. (James 1:17)For I am your provider and I meet your needs. (Matthew 6:31-33)My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)Because I love you with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore. (Psalm 139:17-18)And I rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)I will never stop doing good to you. (Jeremiah 32:40)For you are my treasured possession. (Exodus 19:5)I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul. (Jeremiah 32:41)And I want to show you great and marvelous things. (Jeremiah 33:3)For if you seek me with all your heart, you will find me. (Deuteronomy 4:29)So, Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4)For it is I who gave you those desires. (Philippians 2:13)I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine. (Ephesians 3:20)For I am your greatest encourager. (2 Thessalonians 2:16-17)I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles. (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you. (Psalm 34:18)As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart. (Isaiah 40:11)One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes. And I will take away all the pain you havesuffered on this earth. Revelation 21:3-4)I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus. (John 17:23)For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. (John 17:26)And to tell you that I am not counting your sins. Jesus died so thatyou and I could be reconciled. (2 Corinthians 5;18-19)His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you. (I John 4:10)I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love. (Romans 8:31-32)If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me. (I John 2:23)And nothing will ever separate you from my love again. (Romans 8:38-29)When it's time for you to Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen.(Luke 15:7)I have always been your Father, and will always be your Father. (Ephesians 3:14-15)My question is....Will you be my child? (John 1:12-13)I am waiting for you. (Luke 15:11-32)

Friday, April 16, 2010

You would have been due any day now to enter this world had God not decided to take you home so early. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you my little sweet pea. Mommy has been through a lot these last months and I long for you just as much as I long to have another child. Only God knows the plans he has for my life yet I cannot control my longing to have a baby in my arms. I know I will get to hold you once my time comes to go Home but until that day I will forever hold you in my heart.

I hold on to the dreams that I carried for you my little angel. I never got to meet you in person, no photographs to hold on to, but I have forever been touched by your life I carried inside me for those 11 very short weeks.

My recent surgery left me with a scar on my belly and had you lived this scar could have been from bringing you into this world. It is a reminder that you are gone, that you didn’t make it. My heart aches to be filled with the love of children.

You will forever be my little treasure, a diamond in my heart. I am different because you touched my life. I am a mommy of an angel, God chose me to carry you in my womb and heart. You my little angel chose me knowing you would never see the world. That makes me special but it also makes me sad. I wanted you so bad and my heart is broken because you’re gone.

Only through God can I heal this hurt I feel so deeply. Through this my faith has been strengthened yet my human heart hurts. I grieve my loss and praise my gains, my relationship with Christ. Seeing the blessings I have here on earth and the connections I have made with other Angel Mommies. I am blessed indeed. I just need God to hold my heart right now, while I weather this storm. I know He is with me always and that gives me some peace in my deepest moments of despair.

Tristan my little angel, know that mommy loves you and is waiting for the day we will get to say hello to each other and never have to say good-bye again. I will continue to live my life here on earth always carrying you in my heart knowing when the flowers bloom in the spring that it is you saying hello and I love you, mommy.

Love,Mommy

Side note: as I was writing this the song Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North came on the radio. The words spoke to me in that moment.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Feeling like an over tired 2 year old, a teen age girl who takes everything too personally and a woman who's hormones are all out of wack - I'm just a ball of joy to be around. God bless my husband for not killing me in my sleep tonight.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Had my surgery on Monday, April 5 to remove a pelvic mass. After several days in the hospital I am now home and recovering. Here is what we know. No Cancer - Thank God! The official diagnosis is endometriosis that is what the mass was made up of the scar tissue. It was acting like a glue to all of the organs in the pelvic area. I also lost one fallopian tube. Good news I got to keep both ovaries. I now have a very large incision that goes from belly button to pelvic area and is stapled closed - can you say OUCH!

The doctor says we should be able to get pregnant quickly after I am fully recovered and then once we give birth we would begin treatments for the endometriosis in order to prevent the mass from returning again. I can say I never want to go through this again.

The fallopian tube that she removed was filled with scar tissue. She said had I gotten pregnant on that side we would have ended up with a tubal pregnancy so I'm thankful we caught that. On a good note. The one remaining fallopian tube will be able to pull in the released eggs from both ovaries so we still have a good chance each month of getting pregnant however there is some scar tissue in the one fallopian tube I have left so still a small chance things may not go as planned.

So my husband and I will continue to try to have a biological child until January 2011 if not pregnant by then we will begin to look at the adoption process.

I can say that I am very thankful to God that we caught this in time to do something, that it's not cancer and that the adoption option is available.

the following is something I received the in the last few days that really stuck with me:"Dear God, I have never thanked you for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to you along the path of pain. Show methat, through my tears, the colors of your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Lord I thank you for the thorns in my life - they help me appreciate and grow closer to you.