Flashes of insight from the Everyman. Weekly observational posts. Part comedy, part philosophy, part temper tantrum, Lightning Bug's Butt is always good for a laugh and/or a place to send your hate mail.
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2/21/2005

Women as sex objects?

My wife always asks me wether she's important to me, or wether she's just a sex object. I assure her she's incredibly important to me. She is, after all, a life-support system for the boobs and vagina. Thanks, sweetheart!

Speaking of sex objects, I've been thinking about all the things women do to be attractive. Consider the average woman's beauty regimen: shaving, waxing, primping, dying, make-up, hair stying, cosmetic surgery, the Thigh Master(!), etc. That's a lot of effort. I'd be ready for a nap after all that. Screw doing out on a date. I'm too tired.

Many women blame men for the absurd lengths to which they must go to appear attractive. Evidently, we're insensitive, shallow, sexually charged brutes. Well, that's true. But men are hardly to blame for what women choose to do in front of a mirror every day. Thank your girlfriends for that. Let me explain.

There's an up-spiraling cycle to female beauty and fashion. First, a woman at random enhances or exaggerates a female sex characteristic through cosmetic means, e.g., shaving her legs, reddening her lips or enlarging her breasts. Second, other women see this and begin to compete: They have to keep up or exceed the new standard. So they embrace this cosmetic enhancement and make it their own. The chain reaction continues until it reaches a critical mass, and then it explodes. The fuel that propels this phenomenon is competition. Women are the Cadillac of the sexes: they keep adding features and upgrades to the point where the car's in the shop more than on the road. Meanwhile, men are watching the thing with a bovine interest. Being simple creatures, we don't ask questions. We decide to find it sexy -- beccause women told us to. And believe me: we do what women tell us to do. Finally, this cosmetic enhancement becomes normal. It's expected. It's the new standard. First, it was weird. Now, you're weird if you don't do it.

But women don't have to put up with this. Imagine if every woman on the planet stopped shaving under her arms. Do you think we men would give a damn? It might seem weird for a couple days, but then we'd realize that we're horny and you're women. Believe me, we'd get over it.

Still not convinced? Go back in time 50 years, before the advent of the bikini wax. Do you believe men minded seeing hair around the pubic region? Hell no. We were happy just to be there. That tuft of hair was our mecca. Our Holy Grail. The Taj Mahal. But then a woman trimmed the thing up, it caught on, and now Eastern European female waxing techs routinely torture women in salons around the country.

What women need is a union. Collective bargaining rights will bring this madness to a hault. If women had a union, bikini waxing would never have gotten off the ground. Imagine a Women's Union where every proposed fashion trend had to be approved by millions of female union delegates. Say goodbye to 4 inch heels and thong underwear. As long as women continue to compete with one another, get ready for some crazy, uncomfortable fashion.

We men are clueless, hapless and helpless in the whole affair. We're the Walmart shoppers of the sexes: we wander around the store looking for the best deal at the cheapest price. Sexual courtship is, after all, nothing more than economics. But we can only buy what the store is selling. We don't ask questions. We just buy what we think the best deal is.

Bikini waxes make me look like I have leprocy... but I get them anyway. And if we were going to start a union, the first thing I'd want changed is the names for feminine products... like maxi pads and tampons. What's up with that?

I found this insightful and incredibly amusing. My college boyfriend once told me that he was convinced women only wore perfume for other women, as men could care less. I doubted this initially, but later realized he was quite right.

I couldn't agree more with you on this LBB. Woman compete with other woman (well, and certain segments of the gay communtiy). If I were to only listen to my husband I would think I was the sexiest person on earth. Its other woman that drag me down.

I have to agree with you and the other women commenting. We do compete with each other. Just the other night, I was apparently competing with allllll the other women in the room (all 200 of them) for biggest boobs. I won, but I had to make some serious effort to keep "the ladies" buoyant all night. Whew!

Women are mean to one another. Its a horrible thing, I wish it would stop. I also think that, wait, hold on "...what you looking at ya skanky bitch?!..." anyway, I also think Id still shave my kitty clean and wear thongs if the union went through. But, its what ive grown up doing, so who knows. I may just be a product of my environment.

Women only go to those lengths for when we have or want a guy. When we're free and single and think men are poo then we sit and scoff as much ice cream as possible in our tracksuit bottoms, baggy t-shirt, hair shoved up, no make up, stubbley legs and bushes German folk would be proud of!

OK I'll admit that sometimes I dress and primp to compete, but most of the time it's cause I like to look good, not cause of what some other women(or man) thinks of me...I was raised to be self confident & dressing well & looking put together is all part of that...Oh and I shave the "kitty" as one poster said for me not hubs,yes he likes it, but I like it more than he does! (for those "special" times) ;) Sharkmeat out! :)

Gotta disagree somewhat to Celeste's comment (no offense girl) but I am single, love being single, and also love doing all the girly things that I do. Not because some guy may or may not notice them but because I notice them. That's not to say I don't have my "tracksuit" days, or my pj days but in general things are kept nice and neat and petite because I want them that way.

When I saw the title to this, I thought, "Well, yeah." After reading all of this, I still agree with the title. Even with all the rules that women put on themselves, all that really matters is the sex. Most of these other things can be cured by a simple blindfold. Hell, if you feed and bathe me, you can just leave it on me 24/7.