The Paris attacks on Friday were a tragedy for France, as well as the global community. No doubt about that. People will claim that the Paris attacks fall under the category of “shouldn’t be made fun of” because “some things just shouldn’t be joked about.” Those people are wrong, and you can count on us to make sure we carry the torch through these highly offendable times. Now you might be asking to yourself, “What could possibly be funny?” regarding the Paris attacks. Gee, I don’t know, the fact that France has been the most tolerant and inviting of countries when it comes to Muslim immigrants, or the fact that France now has to stand tough against something, which for them usually means agreeing to it more slowly. How about the fact that American metal band Eagles of Death Metal were at the center of one of the attack areas? It’s like a scene out of Metalocalypse. If that’s not funny to you, then you are a joyless boob. Brutal!

We can’t do an entire show about the Paris attacks of course, because 1) we’re not clever enough to pull it off, and 2) this week was chock full of rage-inducing occurrences on college campuses from stupid millennials. We’d be dishonoring ourselves if we didn’t cover this topic; I just finished putting my “Get Off My Lawn” sign in my front yard. Yale, one of the best (if not the best) colleges in America and the world, has seen a decline in intelligence in recent years. Not necessarily through test scores, but through experience. On Halloween, a headmaster sent an email to Yale students reminding them to consider being sensitive about Halloween costumes that could offend certain people. Another faculty member sent a follow-up email discussing where the line is between freedom of speech and being offended, and who among us really has the right to decide which side of the line a given occurrence is on. Neither of these emails instructed anyone to actually do anything other than think about the subject at hand before choosing to do something. No rules were given, no statements or absolutes of any kind were suggested; both were simply discussing what it means to consider offense and free speech when it comes to costumes. This is probably the lamest thing anyone has ever been upset about, yet upset they were as students went and protested the woman’s email questioning where the line is… by yelling at her husband. They made claims that Yale doesn’t feel safe anymore and they no longer love their college because having to think about things that are different than what you think is very taxing on the coddled mind. I’m sure their rational Muslim friends will caution on the side of free speech. Perhaps they’d enjoy going to college in Paris.

Pope Francis is the most well-liked and respected pope from the last two popes, which is a low bar to be sure, but it’s still worth noting. The pope goes against many of the more traditional Catholic teachings, saying that gays and atheists and even black people can all go to Heaven if they are good people. Many conservative Christians don’t like this, but if there’s one thing Catholics can’t resist, it’s magical properties of everyday items. So, when there was a glass of water that Pope Francis had drank from, one Christian congressman swiped it, drank from it, then allowed some other people to dip their fingers in it before bottling the rest of the water to bring home to the kids. Perhaps he thought this was the ending of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade and drinking Pope Francis’ water would heal his wounds and give him immortality. He’s going to be sadly disappointed when prostate cancer comes knocking.

Brooklyn is becoming a highly gentrified area with plenty of Starbucks and Chipotle restaurants. However, no one seems to appreciate the early white settlers that staked their claim in the area before it was cool to do so, thus paving the way for corporations to take our money trough moderately higher quality fast food. One young man, after getting accidentally bumped by a woman’s stroller on the street, launches into a tirade reminding all the entitled white people that they should check their privilege, because the only reason they are there is because this brave white settler chose to live in Brooklyn before it was cool. He presents some very reasonable arguments and ultimately wins over the respect of everyone nearby in a heartwarming moment where we learn that hating white people isn’t exclusive to minorities- white people are some of the best white-haters around.

When Ben is feeling down about all the failed areas of his life, he likes to go watch cringe videos of people even worse than he is. So, that’s what we do. One guy in particular, with a video called Happy Birthday Katie, exclaims his true feelings for his friend in a cringey douchey video that we make fun of without mercy. We all have a good laugh about it, until we learn that it actually worked and the guy is with the girl now. Ben then goes back to the noose-tying academy.

Some dude running a rudimentary attempt at a vigilante video network under the name johntv.com spends his days watching prostitutes propositioning men, then follows them to the spot where they’re going to get blown, and then runs up with a camera and say “busted!” and shows the license plate and the John’s face. After shoving his fake morality in everyone’s face, ruining some lives and feeling good about himself, he leaves, accomplishing nothing other than his own smug ego-stroking. Ben and Josh argue the merits of this guy’s vigilantism and whether he should be praised or chastised. Their opinions may surprise you! Or maybe they won’t, I don’t know, who cares.

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