Huge fans will be used to rid the Olympics of pollution

With the sun finally coming out for the final few days of the Olympics, a new problem has emerged, with pollution set to make breathing dangerous for athletes.

"Ozone levels are so high," said Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, who has decided to remove the pollution, "that we've been bottling it and shipping it to Australia to plug their hole. It's become a major export."

Various plans have been mooted to reduce the pollution that has already dissolved one pole vaulter's equipment.

"Firstly," said Johnson, "we investigated putting the rain back. This was a non-starter, apparently. Don't know why, it was all a bit sciency. So we decided we'd have to blow it away. The scientists said that wasn't possible, but I asked what would happen if we turned some wind turbines the other way. They had no answer to that."

Using the tower blocks that had been identified as sites for surface to air missiles, huge fans will be brought in.

"We're not talking hot-dog munching Olympic super-fans here," said Johnson. "We're talking big air conditioning units. They'll blow good air over the Olympics."

The fans will point in the direction of Weymouth to ensure that the sailors actually have some wind during their gold medal race.

"It's dual benefit," said Johnson. "Well, triple benefit, because it will cool people down."

Olympic organisers are worried that the speed might be turned up when the triple and long jumpers take to the track.

"Not true," said Johnson. "I thought those events had finished? Do these people know what they're doing? I have asked that they turn off the fans when the Dutch are sailing."

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