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Friday, February 11, 2011

Friday, February 11, 2011

With Valentine's Day coming up, you might be wondering what to get your significant other for the occasion. Other than roses, chocolates, and cheap stuffed animals, I mean. Because, obviously, those are required. [stern face]

Well, fortunately for you, bakeries still have lots of sweet, romantic options tailor-made to fit your snuggly bun's personality to a "t." Check it out:

For the co-dependent:

When your boyfriend starts crying, you'll know it's only because he's so happy.

For the stalker:

Quietly delivered when they least expect it.

*Hidden recorder that plays your personal greeting available for an additional charge.

Just to be clear (and not facetious) {not on your blog!} the Barbie 'cake' is a birthday cake. The plastic strawberry bits say feliz cumpleanos which translates, 'Happy Birthday'. Which doesn't make it any easier to look at. Unless you're a teenage boy?

The Barbie cake. Oh, dear holy personage of your choosing, why would you let someone do that to a poor, innocent Barbie . . . in that outfit? In that harlot-y see-through outfit? With matching fire engine red panties? Wow, Barbie's sort of a tramp. Maybe she should be jumping out of the cake as opposed to sitting on it.

No, Barbie hasn't come that far since the 1950s. She was modeled after Bild Lilli, a German cartoon girl (it was an adult-oriented op-ed cartoon), and the dolls were originally sold as an adult novelty.

Still a squicky cake, though.

And still trying to figure out what that drippy orange thing with frogs is supposed to be.

Does the Barbie Cake say "Feliz Coupling"???? As in: Happy Effing??? It also looks like the heart between her legs says "Never". She looks like the Lara Croft doll from the movie "Grandma's Boy". If you've never seen it, you need to. Funniest Stoner Flick EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!Boob Nazi... Didn't know you were a Cake Wreckie too! Love you blog too :)

And the first thing I thought of when I saw the Barbie cake was is she pregnant?- she looks like she's ready to push.. Then I realized she's not and reailzed she actually ready to.. well, the CAKE is ready to ... (can't bring myself to say it here)

I'm not sure what this says about me, but the main thing I'm wondering about that Barbie cake is: how do you even get her legs to spread like that?

As I recall, Barbie's hip joints were not exactly proper ball-and-socket like real people, and could really only move forwards and backwards. So did her legs have get broken to pose like this, or what? Because that just adds a whole other layer of disturbing to that already intensely disturbing cake.

The Barbie one is awesome! I'm a Pampered Chef consultant, and we recommend using our large batter bowl to make a Barbie (or princess or wedding or whatever!) doll cake, as the bowls are oven safe. My personal routine includes: "So, after the cake has cooled off and you've inverted it, take a clean Barbie and wrap her legs in plastic wrap, then insert her into the cake up to her waist and decorate! Does anyone know why we wrap Barbie's legs in plastic first?" Lots of answers are called out. I reply (either confirming or giving the correct answer) "Because its terribly uncomfortable to get frosting UP THERE" (pause for a moment, then lean forward and whisper) "Trust me"

My hand flew to my face in shock at the Barbie cake. Oh. My. Gosh. Not only can you kinda see her boobs through the mesh top, but the open legs and splotchy patches of brown color on the frosting kinda makes me think she had an "accident."

*shivers of disgust*

I also loved the hopeless romantic cake and comment, "She wants to fix you" lol. Sadly I have more than one friend who probably wouldn't get that... (ie... cuz that's what they do.)

You know, I doubt anything I see on CW can ever truly traumatize me again after the gelatin baby shower cake...

And for some reason that Barbie cake looked like she was on a polar bear rug to me... Also, the ball and chain cake wreckerator needs a lesson in either anatomy, color blending, frosting art or all three because that "ankle" doesn't even remotely resemble one.

From Lee Anne: Is the Barbie cake a cake or perhaps a vat of rice pudding? I can't tell from the photo but the brown smudges could be cinnamon and, in that case, the cherries would make sense. (Although, in a sick way, the cherries still makes sense, ugh!). Way to strange for me, regardless.

Oh the barbie is scary and flashes me back to age 3 and a cake with barbie in the middle and a snapshot forever haunting of me licking the icing off a naked barbie. I remember how uncomfortable I was doing it - fearful it would mean I was gay... Well, thanks mom - you made me lick frosting off barbie so don't complain when I bring my girlfriends to holidays anymore.

#2 What is that even supposed to be?! I thought the creepy lambs were an Easter thing. Rushing the holidays might be the fashion these days, but this is really pushing it.

#3 Not sure which is worse; frogs happy about living in toxic waste or the fact that the containment pond has been breached.

#4 See #1.

#5 Is the 'Always' heart sit -- er, *resting* on tongues? What does the winged star say, and what does same have to do with the subject? Should the word 'temporary' have anything to do with Valentine's day?

#6 Barbie, Barbie, Barbie. Have you not figured out Ken's 'secret' yet? In his latest incarnation (the subject of a CNN story, I kid you not), he's wearing eyeliner and his lips are pinker than yours. You're wasting your time, girl.

Looks like the heart (the one between the calves, not *that* one) says, 'Mous'. Not sure what it means, but it's slightly less creepy than some other theories.

So Mattel came up with "Slutty Barbie"? In the packaging you also get miniature pink fur handcuffs and a pearl, um, necklace? And how about the matching "Pimp Ken"? He's on the next cake beating up the John that caused the bed to look like that.

Sara @ 9:34 A.M. -- Barbie (US version) was actually based on a hooker doll from Europe, so as for coming far since the 1950's, well...And sure it's a birthday cake, but does that one heart between her ankles say "Mom"? Even. Greater. Awkwardness...I, incidentally thought the stalker cake is some sort of bear...type...thing??

WV: stned I'm frankly stned that any bakers in the history of ever think ANY of these Wrecks were EVER a good idea! Yeesh!

Frogs: I don't think there is actually any cake in that thing...it looks like a toxic waste dump, with glitter!

Barbie: I can read the heart that says "Feliz", and the one that looks like it starts out as "Cumpleanos" but is wreck-ified towards the end and jumbled together. I, too, was unable to decifer the word on the heart between Barbie's legs (!), but I am really hoping....You know, I'm not sure which is better; if that heart says "Mama" or "Mark". Please don't be "Nina" (with the ~ over the n = little girl)!!!

From what I can tell the Barbie cake says "Feliz Cumpleanos Mama". I am thinking that this cake was from a husband to a wife..some men call their wives 'mama', and I'm sure he meant it as a sexy gesture..unfortunately it missed the target by about 50 thousand miles.

Woah to that last cake. I will never look at barbie the same way again. Why must wreckerators destroy childhood toys? Are they not content destroying cakes? Lol definitely get these if you don't want a Valentine.

Mario & Barbie? Does Peach know? Dolls these days have a more active love life than some real people.

That wreck hearkens back to another Barbie-in-bed 'cake' with a strawberry theme (the one that many mistook for a blanket made of lunch meat). Maybe she's a strawberry blond. (Ba-dup-dup!)Actually, I think this was inspired by the remake of 'Valley of the Dolls'. I'll stop now.

I would like to suggest that someone open a therapy center across the street from the EPCOT bunker. You know, where we can get rid of mental images of dolls in compromising positions. And babies in melting Jell-o. And babies made of meatloaf. Among others.

So it seems only one other person has mentioned it, but it kind of looks like Barbie is sitting on rice. Why?

And as for the people mentioning that Barbie's legs don't move that way, well, I was going to say they have ones know that do, but when I went and looked at it again, I realized this is not one of those. So. I prefer not to think how they got her that way.

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What's a Wreck?

A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.

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