Morrissey “If you must eat meat, eat me”

Former Smiths front man Morrissey has silenced critics today by offering himself up as cuisine for anyone that eats meat so as to hopefully offer a nutritious alternative to meat and thus save the life of a cow, lamb or otter.

“It means I can encourage people to be herbivorous and musically whinge about being eaten alive at the same time. There’s got to be at least two albums in it” he chuckled.

However, anyone expecting to find a Morrissey roast or burger van, and dine on parts of him unseasoned in a bap may well be disappointed.”I’m not prepared to be consumed with chips or two veg. I will insist on being devoured in a a poncy upper middle class bohemian way, preferably in a tagine with cous cous or at least with salsa in some sort of flat bread.” he explained.

Indeed, the 1980s beef dodging songsmith is widely rumoured to be joining his long time friend, TV chef Jamie Oliver on a new prime time show where Mr Oliver will demonstrate Mediterranean inspired recipes for chicken and fish, whilst Morrissey then adapts them to involve instead cooking himself.

Mr Oliver told us that despite initial reservations he felt the new format to be a winner. “I try to keep things upbeat, so to start with it was a bit strange to have Morrissey thrashing around in my marinades, covering himself from head to foot and singing ‘Heaven knows I’m miserable now’. But it’s amazing how quickly you get used to things and I can’t imagine cooking without him now.”

Each episode will end with the pair dining together on one of Morrissey’s limbs while Mr Oliver says “Pukka” and Morrissey sings a sad song about it.