Newly divorced angst over holiday plans

Karen D. Sacks has been a licensed mental health and family counselor for nearly 30 years and established her practice in West Boca in 2003.

Now she's expanding and setting up a separate firm in the same office space at 7301 W. Palmetto Park Road with Lori Day. The Center for Rational Solutions will focus on bilingual services, parenting coordination and mediation to help families through transitions without lengthy court battles. "The judge or attorney will find a parent coordinator and work with the divorce attorneys," she said. "You need to be a mediator and then can become a parent coordinator and it requires a state certification."

Let's talk about the holidays coming up if you're newly divorced or separated.

The first things I ask parents to do is listen to the kids. I'm not saying, ask your children what they would rather do for the holidays. Just for their input, for their thoughts. Whenever you make any kind of a plan, if the kids are involved they'll go with it.

What if you have a holiday tradition as a family?

I had a client whose daughter would get upset and cry if she had to stay with her dad and stepmom for the holiday. By the time she was 5 and could verbalize, it was that her mom would be alone. In a new divorce, kids become protective of their parents and worry about them being alone.

This is where parents need to love their child more than they dislike their ex. You need to send your child out with a smile, very nonchalant. They take their cues from us. Even [toddlers] know what's going on. So when you say, 'We're not together and we're going to take turns,' they understand. 'One year you'll go with mom and one year with dad because everybody loves you so much.'

What if one spouse was left and the other remarried or is with someone else right away?

You may see a 10-year-old girl saying, 'I just don't want to go with dad or mother.' That's when you ask the child, 'What is this all about and how can we make this better for you? What do you think would be a good idea?' Most of the time, it's the bad mouthing, the stress before the child leaves.

What about expectations that the child will recover instantly?

You need to need to let them go at their own speed, especially younger children. You can say: 'It's not a good thing it happened, but we're going to try and make your life as normal as possible.' You can't expect them to go on like nothing happened, but the right communication is important.

What about throwing angry grandparents into the mix?

If they can't be civil, you can't be together. You may need to say, 'We need to be adult mom and dad, and we're doing this for the child.' Every time you do whispering on the phone, you're fueling all kinds of horrible things in your children.

Don't the holidays make it harder for newly divorced parents?

Adults are dealing with anger and loss through the holidays. Kids are worried about protecting the parent. They have all these other emotions. That's when you're giving the message: 'I'm always going to be your mom and I'm always going to be your dad. We may not be together, but we're here for you.'