Mariel Makes a Mess is the premier column for people who are a little bit crafty, a little bit messy, and a little bit drunk. In each installment, Mariel will attempt to make something – be it a mess or a drink or another craft – and detail her adventures for your virtual consumption.

My father used to lock me outside the house for hours to teach me lessons. Then he would stand in the window and yell “It’s what’s inside that counts!”

On the outside I’m a decently put together lady. On the inside I’m a mess. This week I focus on the mess inside my bathroom and kitchen cabinets. Like a goddamn lady! How did I do it? Oh, here’s how:

Third, shit. This is fucking mess. Go through an existential crisis. Why do I have so many plastic bags? What is that brown stuff? Did I buy self-tanner?

Black rubber gloves probably planted in my house by a serial killer, but never discovered by the police because they are “busy” – mailed to a friend in a tiny coffin.

Wedding dress fabric samples covered in gunk – gone.

Expired sunblock that smells like old bananas after some internal debate and deliberation – gone. Way too far gone.

May God have mercy on our souls.

Fifth, clean. Use the cleaning crap in the cabinets to clean the actual cabinets. Fun fact: you should never buy hippie dippie, environmental cleaning supplies. Distilled white vinegar, water, lemon juice, bleach and something abrasive like Bon Ami or Bar Keeper’s Friend is all you need and they’re cheap.

Please note, mix drinks, not ammonia and bleach. Unless you want attention – medical attention. In that case, do both!

So clean you could eat off the inside of the bathroom cabinet! …If that was a thing people did.

Finally, go to a CVS to recycle your extra plastic bags. Enter the CVS. Throw the plastic bags in the air and yell “Fuck the plastic patriarchy!” CVS employees are so apathetic that you will have to see yourself out.