Good Enough?

The dream to have the best is insatiable.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard "he/she's not good enough," I'd be rich!

A friend told me the following story. Still single, in his 40s, and wanting to marry, he gave it another shot. He went to a singles event, in a club with mirrored walls. He approached an attractive woman and started a conversation. The usual pleasantries were exchanged. Stealing a glance over her shoulder, he noticed yet another attractive woman. Wanting to "trade-up," he mentally juggled a number of diplomatic exit lines.

Just as he was about to say, in his most heartfelt apologetic tone, "You must excuse me. A friend just walked in whom I haven't seen in years," he realized that the "apple of his eye" was none other than the mirrored reflection of the woman he was about to ditch! He caught himself, red-handed, smitten and driven after the reflection of the lady he almost let go.

How was it possible to turn his back on the very woman he so much wanted to meet?

This self-revelatory experience shook my friend to his core. How was it possible to turn his back on the very woman he so much wanted to meet?

There are times people make questionable dating decisions because of deeper underlying psychological issues. Identifying these undercurrents and how they affect you can shed light on some surprising behavior patterns.

There are numerous reasons why we run from relationships that have great potential. A few possibilities relate to fear:

fear of commitment

fear of a failed marriage

fear of intimacy

fear of losing personal freedom

fear of responsibility

fear of losing self identity within the greater unit

Any of these phobias might compel you to run from a relationship that could be "the one." But the most common excuse for not pursuing a person is the oft-quoted myth, "He/she is good -- but not good enough." Some people have expressed it to me in the following way: "Why settle for a '96 model when you can get this year's best-seller with all the bells and whistles!"

AS THE GARDEN OF EDEN

For the record, let it be stated loud and clear: There will always be a better one. In the end -- whomever you marry -- it is guaranteed that a better one can be found.

Case in point: You want to marry a woman who is exceptionally beautiful, so you luck-out and marry this year's Ms. Universe. Isn't it true that next year there will be a new Ms. Universe? What will be 20 years from now? Your wife, the ex-Ms. Universe, certainly won't match-up with that year's winner! So what's the solution? Keep trading up to the latest model?!

This dream, to have the best, is insatiable.

Thankfully, there is a solution.

You've got to change your frame of reference.

Adam and Eve shared each other’s sole, undivided attention.

Jewish tradition says that a newlywed couple is blessed on the day of their wedding with seven special blessings. One of these blessings states that the couple should be as happy with each other as Adam and Eve, on the day of their marriage, in the Garden of Eden. What was so special about Adam and Eve's joy that we continue to use it as the standard of marital happiness?

It was their undivided attention and love for each other. There were no other human beings vying for their love. All they had was each other. So they concentrated on what each had to offer.

We must try to create a similar mindset. The unique mix of personality traits, values and accomplishment that you and your spouse share is something special. It cannot be duplicated with any other person. This one-of-a-kind collaboration needs to be highlighted, accentuated and cherished. It requires your utmost attention and appreciation. The same way that you are unique and there is no one like you in the whole world, the very same thing is true about your partner. What you create together is equally matchless.

Of course, not every stated "he/she's not good enough" is an excuse. Sometimes it's an accurate assessment. It's possible that the other person is not an appropriate match. Nevertheless, it’s my experience that many individuals prevent blockbuster relationships because of their own lackadaisical approach to appraising their beloved's virtues.

Ask yourself: What is special about what we create together?

Couples must learn to appreciate the qualities that are their trademark. Work hard at finding those collaborative interactions that are distinct to you. Ask yourself: What is special about what we create together?

If it's something exceptional and of great importance to you, you've got what it takes to be happy with your beloved. The happiness that results energizes the relationship. It can revitalize a stale one as well.

Just remember to look at your beloved with the same undivided attention and appreciation that the first couple had for one another in the Garden of Eden.

PERSONAL TRAINER WORKOUT

Commit 5-10 minutes a day over the next month to write down the following. (Trust me, there is nothing like doing this with pen and paper.)

1) Make a list of your partner’s strengths and weaknesses.

2) For 30 days, add one new virtue to your partner's virtue list and share with him/her the specific virtue you picked that day. This exercise demonstrates to your partner that you're paying attention and enjoying what is uniquely his/hers. At the same time you're training yourself to enjoy what he/she already is and not suffering what they have not yet become.

3) Does your partner have a virtue that he/she is the all-time best at? Can you think of a second one? Make sure you appreciate this specialness each day.

4) How would the quality of your life be different if your partner lacked this virtue?

Visitor Comments: 6

(6)
M,
December 31, 2006 12:56 PM

Unique mix you and your spouse share cannot be duplicated

I'm female and getting older, the thought of staying with one person for the rest of my life scares me, even though it's what I want more than anything. I didn't know how to get over this unnatural fear, my abusive childhood probably contributed to my commitmentphobe. In the past, I'd always concentrated on the negatives, left relationships, and was alone again. Concentrating on "The unique mix of personality traits, values and accomplishment that you and your spouse share is something special. It cannot be duplicated with any other person", is a new idea to me and helps. Thank you for the article.

(5)
Olga,
February 20, 2003 12:00 AM

we all are good enough

thanks for the article. I just ended a year-long relationship. this man I have been with would not commit to me because I wasn't "good enough".The very fact is that I am very attractive, intelligent, fun, and so on so on. And still not"good enough". Before me he had relationships with sweet nice women, they all were not "good enough".He didnt commit to any of them, so they all left him at the end and are all happilly married now or in relationships.But he at age 35 is still looking for "good enough". I hope I will find a great man for whom I will be good enough. I bet my ex-boyfriend will still be single.This article made me to feel better because i was unsure abot decision I made. I am so sure now. I am good enough and ,more than that!

(4)
Ronna Gerardot,
February 14, 2003 12:00 AM

Great words of wisdom....

Hi. I am a single mother of four and have been "trying" this relationship thing again. I appreciate your words of encouragement through your help for other people. Thank you for sharing your talents with all of us!!

(3)
Anonymous,
November 28, 2002 12:00 AM

Grabbing so many Jelly beans that you get your hand stuck in the jar

Perfect ! Explains a recent dissapomitment of a date of late-thanks!Here is another 'take' on the theme. This 'not good enough syndrome' is another form of greed' akin to the person who puts their hand into the candy jar and grabs so much that they can't take any candy out of the jar and so drops all of it...

(2)
Anonymous,
November 28, 2002 12:00 AM

I am getting married in three weeks, and reading this article really made me smile.It is true that we have to learn to see the good in eachother and appreciate one another within a relationship, just as God intended when he created Adam and Eve.The idea about writing a list of virtues and vices is a great one that I will try.Keep up the good work!

(1)
HB,
November 26, 2002 12:00 AM

This Article is Right On

You do indeed have to change your frame of reference. I work in a large corporation and have had the opportunity to overhear lots of lunch-time conversations, plus conversations on the train while commuting. Many of the people (men especially) who only want a certain physical type who is "good enough" are either conceited or need to take a good look in the mirror at themselves--pot belly, bad comb-over etc. Yet these same people only want someone who they deem beautiful, and if men, usually younger.
I don't know just how much the underlying fears listed come into play. I certainly can see the pull of youth & beauty; at the same time I think women are just more mature overall. We can fantasize about a movie actor or singing star but we rarely translate that into real life. Too many men only want to date a fantasy.
If you want proof of this, go through the personals in the back of the paper of your choice. You'll read over and over again in the "Man Seeking Woman" section (or for that matter the "Man Seeking Man" section) ads specifying a specific type. Ex: "you should be aged 25-35, slim, and red headed." Now read the "Women Seeking Men" section and notice more emphasis is put on hobbies and character. Rarely do women state a specific age range and body type. There is a gap here and I'd say it's due to maturity.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
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