New to board.......

Hello all, my name is Trilleon. I am 41 years old and a mom to 2 boys ages 9 and 19. I have BPD and I am a cutter. I hadn't cut in quite a while, until about 3 weeks ago. Something traumatic happened and I started cutting again. I feel ashamed of what I am doing but I can not seem to stop myself. My family, my husband, my 19 year old and a couple friends all know I am a cutter, but they don't know I am currently cutting. I am too ashamed and afraid to tell anyone for fear someone will have me hospitalized. I can't even tell my therapist. My medication had been working fairly well, until now. I think the stress was too great for even my meds to control. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't be doing it but for some reason, I can't stop. I don't really know what to do, but I know I can't tell.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Trilleon

__________________
My 1st grandbaby born 1/30/10, then died 2/25/10. R.I.P. Keegan David, I love and miss you so much my angel. 2nd grandbaby on the way, due to be born 1/10/11.

Hopfully you'll find some assistance here in coping with the terrible ugre to SH. There are many many people here and on the self-injury (i.e. self-harm) recovery board who are experiencing similarly difficult times too.

I don't quite know exactly what to say to you, except that we're here, listening to you. No one here will judge you, as we're all dealing with our inner demons in our own ways. To numb the pain and anxiety, some BPD's use drugs, substances, sex, gambling, food, etc.etc. but we are all in the same place. Struggling to cope with these terrible feelings, that make us do things to ourselves no one in their right mind would even attempt.
I've been there too, not SH, but other equally detrimental behaviour, sometimes when things are really really bad, I begin to think of these things, then begin to obesess and can't get the thought out of my mind, then I begin to fanasise about these events, and how I may engage in certain activities. I know it's irrational, but I am compelled, and trapped by this obsession with certain thoughts, fantasies and activities. Then I know I'm really on the slippery slope again sliding into the abyss of deterioration, and have to put up my hand and ask for help . . . .again. But this is a better outcome than taking matters into my own hands . . . ..

I'm a mum of 2 teenagers, married, working professional, and I have BPD too.

Keep posting, and go and have a look at the self-injury board too.
regards, waratah

Last edited by waratah; 10-06-2008 at 04:49 AM.
Reason: incorrect term used in post

If your mother is not taking care of you, and you've told her about your problem and you've asked her to take you to a counselor and she refuses, then you have to take responsibility for your care. There has got to be some kind of service that can help you. What about social services or a health department. I'm really concerned for your well being sweetie, you need to get some help.

Have you seriously asked your mom to take you for help? I know you and her do not get along but have you really asked her?

your right autumn you can`t simply walk into AE and be seen as if you don`t tell them who you are and other details they have a duty of care to inform the police as it might be construed as home abuse.
I think you would have a greater chance of secrecy by making an appointment to see your gp or practice nurse as they know you and have a legal responsibility of patient confidentuality.
Hare you tried phoning the child line or samaritans, they would defineately know what would be in your best interests. Hang in there if you truly want to stop it will happen and I hope it is soon for you. Take care of yourself.

hi maybe i should ring childline its just that i am scared to talk about it what happens if they judge me and stuff i dont think i will be able to cope with it. I used to talk to the samaritans but they kinda got bored of listening to my emails and stuff so they said that i should carry on my own for a while that was months ago. I used to see the nurses and i loved it they didnt tell anybodyi could talk about how i hated my mum and stuff. The problem is that they only could speak to me because it was the end of last year, whereas know it is the start of the new year and they are really busy with the year sevens. I havent got a doctor at the moment so when there a problem i would pop to the drop in centre so thats kinda a no no. Lets say that i rang childline what could i say and how do yu think they would react? thanks for getting back to me because i need all the help i can get also, im fourteen do you think i am too old to use the childline service?

Dave will have to answer that, because honestly I'm not sure what "childline" is. We don't have that in the U.S. Anyways this will be short 'cuz it's been a bad day, and I'm fighting demons of my own tonight. I hope you're hanging in there, I'll try to check in with you tomorrow.

mmm i dont think i would ring anyway i have rung once already when i first moved from australia and i was gettin bullied i rang in and it was way scary. that was three years ago and i can remember it clearly so i dont think i would do it anyway. I might start emailing the samaritans again and i know where the centre is so ill try and phsyc myself up for it in the upcoming weeks. How are you doing? hope everything is going ok for you. It was my mums birthday i gave her, her present when she came in after being at the pub. It was a picture frame with a picture of my mum and i and she cried. What a joke if she wasnt drunk i would of taken her seriously. I dont care i have my church they are really nice down there, they cant help me with my problems but i know that they are there when i want them.
take care

Hi Autumn,
Sorry I didn`t get back to you sooner. No your not too young to phone childline I have heard of 18 year olds phoning so you have plenty of years left in the tank. You don`t even have to tell them your problem on the first call Autumn why not tell them about yourself the first time then if you feel happy with them and safe and like you are important then you can mention what you do the next time. I don`t know all your reasons for doing what we do; for me it is to take away the pain I have caused my wife from pushing her away and she sought comfort and such like from another man. What I do is the only control I really have when I feel lost, alone and unable to deal with the world around me. I also make myself sick after eating or try not to eat at all.
I`m a bit upset as my wife forced me to eat something tonight to prove I didn`t have an eating disorder I have tried to get everyhting out but I`m too late and I can feel it slowly moving down, I have let myself down badly.

Back to childline Autumn they aren`t going to judge you call you names, they will listen to you whole heartdly then after if you want advice I assume they will pass some onformation over to you. Just remember YOU are in control of the phone conversation no one else. Lest us know how it goes you are in my prayers.
Oh have you heard from Kat, she is normally on every day apart from today. I hope she is alright as she has had a very rough week so far and feels her world is caving in on her rapidly.