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Tuesday, December 07, 2004

four months in

so here we are, nearly halfway there. good lord. four months. went to the doc today and you know what? THERE IS A SQUIRMY FISHPERSON INSIDE MY WIFE. we got the little ultrasound deal (apparently it's called "sonogram" now) and we could SEE it. so weird. it has bones. it has two arms and at least five fingers (it was either waving to us or flipping the bird, depending on your vantage point ... and your half-full/half-empty orientation). and you know what else? the kid has some serious MOVES. mr nice guy would not kid you about this: the little whippersnoodle definitely takes after its old man in the dance department. the technician lubed up mrs nice guy's belly and stuck the little doppler device on and, lo!, l'enfant terrible squirmed and wormed and jigged and jagged, grooved and moved, shaked and shimmied, got up and got down. the thing wouldn't sit still. awesome.

technician: i am trying to measure it but it WON'T FUCKING SIT STILL.
nice guys: does it have down's?
technician: i can't even tell if it has a head

or something to that effect. actually -- it has a head (at least it did this morning), it has arms and legs. but i wonder, should we be worried? it seems to always revert to the fetal position. was it something we did? are we putting undue pressure on it to develop normally? why the fetal position, bucko? what the hell did we do wrong?

apparently bad habits start early

also. what's with the goddamn squirming? the OB (ok. i have this recurring freudian slip where when i mean to type "OB" but i unwittingly type "vet," before shamefacedly erasing it and typing "OB" back in its place before anyone sees) says the movement is normal. and i must admit, i am impressed by its fancy grooves. not too impressed, mind you, the father shall always remain the superior dancer. you got that? ALWAYS. but i do wonder. why is it moving so much? what's with the ADD? i also wonder: is it too early for ritalin?

also, in the little snapshot we got to take home, it's sucking its thumb. how cute. sucking its wee thumb alread-- wait a minute! FUCK! it's not even born and it won't sit still, it sucks its thumb and it's goes fetal all the time. christ! we're obviously failures as parents. that was fast. i blame its mother.