I feel quite remiss about not yet having seen Cannes Palme d’Or winner Blue is the Warmest Color, considering it’s an NC-17-rated film said to feature more creative scissoring than a scrapbook convention (*cue Geico guitar guy*). Perhaps it’s the Death Cab for Cutie effect, where it takes me some time to get over the fact that an otherwise compelling thing has such an obnoxious twee faux-intellectual title. In any case, the film is also controversial in the sense that the director and his stars have been feuding almost since it wrapped, with Lea Seydoux saying director Abedellatif Kechiche “psychologically raped” her, and him calling her a “spoiled child.”

But for now, let’s put that aside and focus on more important things, such as whether real-live lesbians thought the sex in the film was believable or not. After all, realism is one of the first things I demand of my lesbian erotica, just behind “huge bewbs.”

The reaction-style video comes from Yeni Sleidi and Posture Magazine (hat tip to THR), and I’ve transcribed some of my favorite reactions below the video.

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“She also just ate all that spaghetti.”

“They end up resting in the other person’s asshole. That’s not a sign of a successful encounter.”

“It was really geometric.”

“I thought it was hot at the beginning, and then it got ridiculous when they kept switching sex positions every ten seconds, and it it started to feel like an infomercial for a kitchen product, where they try and showcase all the things it can do. ‘It can chop, it can slice, it can dice, it can puree, it can eat out your asshole.'”

“I loved the movie, I have to say. The scissoring, I wish it could happen. Never happened once in human history. I’d rather go eat a Baskin N Robbins ice cream cone.”

“I think it was pretty boring. And I think it was pretty obviously two straight women attempting to have sex on camera for the first time ever.”

“I thought Emma [Seydoux] had this manic panic hair and looked like a rave girl from Liverpool in 1997, and that’s just not attractive to anyone.”

“I don’t know, there was a lot of assplay in it. I don’t know if I find that hot. (*poking her cat’s butt*) Is that hot to you?” [Editor’s note: A little?]

[Is that what lesbian sex is really like?] “I’d like to say no, but it was a little bit like my morning.”

[Is that what lesbian sex is really like?] “It’s what we’d *hope* it to be like. In real lesbian sex, there’s a lot more crying.”

“Lesbians are short, and no one in these movies are short.”

I didn’t think I’d end up watching that entire video, but it was pretty delightful. Dear Heather, wherever you are, if that is your real name, I would love it if you’d write a guest review for FilmDrunk some time. The “flamboyant gay man” has become something of a stock comedic character, but I certainly wouldn’t mind seeing a few more glib lesbians.

No joke, even 2013 Lesbian of the Year Malena Morgan would be taken aback by the sex sequence* in this movie. Also its 3 hours long, so I doubt people are really gonna go out of their way to slog and finger through it.

*sequence is more fitting, since it definitely is lengthy. Thanks again reddit.

I saw this movie and the “infomercial” comments are dead on. Like, it’s a very naturalistic movie for most of the running time, but then the sex scenes kick in and it’s like something from cinemax. It’s really jarring as the rest of the film is pretty mundane and realistic in that new-wave-of-Euro-Neo-Realism sort of way, so the sex scenes seem like they are being piped in from another movie entirely. I’m sorry, but I doubt inexperienced young lovers try every position imaginable the first time they have sex. And there’s like zero fumbling or communicating about what works and what doesn’t between these chicks, they just kind of perform a series of highly acrobatic sex moves in a montage as if its just second nature to them and are totally awesome at it and then it’s over.

Maybe it’s because I’m a gay man and thus lesbian sex scenes are like watching paint dry, but these scenes add nothing to the movie and are really fucking long. I could see them working if, like I said, they actually showed the characters fumbling through their first awkward sexual experiences (or the younger character, anyway), but they don’t. The whole thing is so obviously being choreographed by some horny straight dude behind the camera that it’s kind of funny and it just doesn’t work within the context of the rest of the film. I’m usually a big defender of sex scenes in movies, but in this case, not only would you not miss anything at all by cutting them out entirely, but I actually think the film would be better for it as the sex scenes are really jarring and don’t fit with the tone of the rest of the film at all.