Ashes Fans Unable To Distinguish Dreams From Reality

BLEARY-eyed cricket fans are currently living in a confusing, surreal dreamscape where England know what they are doing.

And then he turns into your sexy maths teacher

Many have described the disjointed half-world as a cross between Inception and Jack Russell’s 1987 book of cricketing anecdotes A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Headingley.

Cricket fan, Julian Cook, said: “At 4am a midget danced into my living room backwards and gave me an apple made out of children’s faces.

“Then he said Pietersen had managed to put 227 on the scoreboard without chasing some hopeless ball like a kitten after a butterfly. What can it all mean?”

He added: “I woke up on the couch in a tangle of bedclothes with Ian Botham staring at me like the rising sun wearing a hideous moustache.

“I’ve no idea what’s real any more and my worry is that my dream last week where I punched my boss in the nuts during an especially dull meeting may have actually happened.”

Cricketing dreamologist, Dr Wayne Hayes, said: “Folklore tells of a mythical character called Freddie that killed people’s hopes while they were asleep, but he was finally seen off last year after a series of increasingly disappointing sequels.

“Ashes dreams are usually a subconscious manifestation of a person’s deep-seated hatred of everything in their life, but these latest ones where everyone’s happy have become deeply unnerving.

“It’s still early days though, and I’m sure that before long we will experience the very real sensation of screaming horror and self-satisfied Australian bastards.”