Newspaper Page Text

_____________
THE
WADSWORTH
GAS
ATTACK
a
n
d
RIO
GRANDE
RATTLER
______________
7
THE
IDEAS
OF
ETHELBURT
JELLYBACK,
PRIVATE
D
ear
E
d
ito
r
:
It’s
the
little
things
in
life
th
a
t
count.
Don’t
you
know?
And
nothing
so
exasper­
ates
me,
since
I
have
joined
the
arm
y
,
as
the
barriers
th
a
t
are
placed
in
one’s
way
to
prevent
one’s
keeping
up
w
ith
society.
Of
course,
I
speak
of
society
w
ith
a
big
S—
the
set
to
which
I
belong
on
the
avenue.
Of
course,
by
avenue
I
m
ean
F
ifth
Avenue.
Nov/
there
was
Mrs.
H
a
tton-H
iggins’
New
Y
ear’s
party,
for
example.
H
e
r
week-end
parties,
by
the
way,
are
alw
ays
delightful.
I
had
planned
upon
going
to
her
house
party
over
the
holidays,
and
Mrs.
H
atton-
H
iggins
herself,
by
letter
and
telegram
,
had
repeatedly
sought
my
counsel
in
arranging
all
the
little
details—the
centerpiece
for
the
dinner
table,
and
the
proportions
by
which
the
butler
should
m
ake
the
claret
cup.
He
is
Denied
a
Furlough.
Then,
all
of
a
sudden,
like
a
bolt
from
the
blue,
or
the
sound
of
reveille
in
the
morning,
I
was
told
th
a
t
a
furlough
had
been
denied
m
e—me
of
all
persons,
Ethel-
burt
Jellyback,
of
the
well-known
fam
ily
of
th
a
t
nam
e!
I
was
told
th
a
t
an
order
from
W
ashington
had
lim
ited
all
furloughs
to
a
sm
a
ll
percentage
of
enlisted
men.
“W
ho
made
th
a
t
order?”
I
demanded.
“The
S
e
c
retary
of
W
a
r,”
they
told
me.
“Did
he
know
th
a
t
P
rivate
E
thelburt
Jellyback
had
applied
for
a
furlough?
Did
lie
know
th
a
t
Mrs.
H
a
tton-H
iggins’
house-
party
w
a
ited
upon
my
coming?
Did
he
know
V.
On
the
Social
Hardships
of
Army
Life
th
a
t
w
ithout
me
the
butler
would
probably
bungle
the
punch?
W
as
he
aw
a
re
th
a
t
a
dance
had
been
arranged
especially
for
me,
in
honor
of
my
having
offered
my
life
to­
w
ards
helping
m
ake
the
world
safe
for
dem
o
c
racy?”
Ah,
those
questions
were
sticklers!
They
couldn’t
answ
e
r
them
.
And,
after
having
raced
to
the
telegraph
office
to
w
ire
dear
Mrs.
H
atton-H
iggins
th
a
t
the
butler
would
have
to
be
left
to
his
own
devices,
I
m
ade
th
r
e
a
ts
of
m
u
tiny
and
desertion.
E
thelburt
is
Not
a
R
e
g
u
lar!
“You’re
in
the
arm
y
now,”
the
first
ser­
geant
told
me.
“W
h
y
don’t
you
be
a
regu­
lar
soldier?”
“S
ir!”
I
replied
w
ith
Jellyback
pride,
“I
am
superior
to
the
regular
soldier.
My
culture,
my
training,
my
position
in
society,
all
lift
me
above
that,
thank
H
eaven
and
my
lineal
descent.
The
trifiling
technicali­
ties
of
discipline
should
never
apply
to
me.
How
absurd!”
I
was
gradually
w
o
rking
m
yself
up
into
a
heat
over
this
outrage,
and
it
was
a
jolly
good
thing,
too,
for
we
get
too
little
of
it
here
in
this
land
called
the
Sunny
South.
“F
ir
s
t
they
took
my
leather
puttees
from
me,”
I
w
e
n
t
on
hotly.
“Then
they
deprived
me
of
my
sheepskin
coat.
Then
of
my
silk
hat
cord.
W
hy,
I’ll
look
ju
s
t
like
any
other
p
r
iv
a
te!
And
me
a
Jellyback!
But
I’ll
th
w
a
rt
some
of
their
discipline.
I
still
have
my
pink
silk
pajam
as.
By
day
I
shall
conceal
them
am
o
n
g
my
equipm
e
n
t;
by
night
I
shall
wrap
them
about
me
over
a
pair
of
flannel
pajam
a
s,
like
the
drapery
of
a
royal
couch,
and
lie
down
to
slum
b
er,
sw
eetly
confident
th
a
t
I
still
am
the
scion
of
one
of
our
first
fam
ilies—providing,
of
course,
th
a
t
Jim
M
ugrums,
in
the
next
cot,
doesn’t
snore.”
M
aking
the
World
Safe
for
Himself.
A
fter
I
had
ended
this
declaration
of
in­
dependence,
the
first
sergeant
said
he’d
see
th
a
t
New
Y
e
a
r’s
w
o
u
ldn’t
be
a
dull
day
for
me.
It
w
a
sn’t.
He
detailed
me
to
the
incinerator.
Oh,
how
little
do
the
officers
who
are
running
this
w
a
r
realize
th
a
t
social
con­
veniences,
such
as
furloughs
and
two-tone
color
dancing
pumps,
are
necessary
to
a
nature
such
as
mine.
Before
I
can
m
ake
the
world
safe
for
dem
o
cracy
I
m
u
st
first
make
m
y
self
safe.
How
keenly
I
felt
the
hardships
of
disci­
pline,
w
h
ich
m
a
k
e
s
it
im
p
o
ssible
for
the
officers
to
mingle
w
ith
us
privates
in
a
so­
cial
way.
Of
course,
my
sym
p
athies
are
more
w
ith
the
officers
than
the
men,
for
the
officers,
poor
fellows,
m
u
s
t
alw
ays
eat
and
converse
w
ith
one
another.
W
h
a
t
a
bore!
I
have
draw
n
up
plans
for
the
rem
edying
of
some
of
these
evils,
and
one
plan
contains
the
days
on
which
furloughs
should
be
granted,
including
the
birthdays
of
Lincoln,
W
ashington,
St.
Patricks,
St.
V
alentine,
and
May-day,
E
a
ster,
and
the
Ides
of
March.
But,
of
course,
I
can
not
put
through
such
a
program
myself,
because,
strangely
enough,
I
am
still
a
private.
The
first
sergeant
re
­
minded
me
th
a
t
Napoleon
had
said
th
a
t
there
was
a
m
a
rshal’s
baton
in
every
knap­
sack.
He
Couldn’t
Find
His
Baton.
H
e
a
ring
this,
I
m
ade
a
careful
inventory
of
all
my
luggage,
but
now
h
ere
did
I
dis­
cover
the
m
a
rshal’s
baton.
I
thought
th
a
t
perhaps
I
hadn’t
been
equipped
w
ith
the
regulation
knapsack.
I
w
ent
to
the
supply
sergeant.
One
alw
ays
does,
you
know.
“W
ill
you
give
me
my
issue
of
a
m
a
rshal’s
baton?”
I
asked
Mm.
He
looked
a
t
me
askance.
I
had
seen
th
a
t
blank
look
on
his
face
before.
I
knew
th
a
t
it
m
e
a
n
t:
“I
haven’t
any
on
hand
ju
s
t
now,
but
they’ll
be
here
next
week.”
And
I
am
still
w
ithout
m
y
m
a
rshal’s
baton.
I
think
th
a
t
as
soon
as
the
govern­
m
e
n
t
concludes
its
investigation
of
the
shortage
in
m
achine
guns
and
rifles
th
a
t
it
should
undertake
an
investigation
into
the
lack
of
baton
equipm
ent.
America,
I
believe,
is
the
home
of
the
brave
and
the
land
of
the
inquiry.
ETH
E
L
B
U
R
T
JELLYBACK,
Private.
■
—
C.
D.

Newspaper Page Text

_____________ THE WADSWORTH GAS ATTACK a n d RIO GRANDE RATTLER ______________ 7 THE IDEAS OF ETHELBURT JELLYBACK, PRIVATE D ear E d ito r : It’s the little things in life th a t count. Don’t you know? And nothing so exasper­ ates me, since I have joined the arm y , as the barriers th a t are placed in one’s way to prevent one’s keeping up w ith society. Of course, I speak of society w ith a big S— the set to which I belong on the avenue. Of course, by avenue I m ean F ifth Avenue. Nov/ there was Mrs. H a tton-H iggins’ New Y ear’s party, for example. H e r week-end parties, by the way, are alw ays delightful. I had planned upon going to her house party over the holidays, and Mrs. H atton- H iggins herself, by letter and telegram , had repeatedly sought my counsel in arranging all the little details—the centerpiece for the dinner table, and the proportions by which the butler should m ake the claret cup. He is Denied a Furlough. Then, all of a sudden, like a bolt from the blue, or the sound of reveille in the morning, I was told th a t a furlough had been denied m e—me of all persons, Ethel- burt Jellyback, of the well-known fam ily of th a t nam e! I was told th a t an order from W ashington had lim ited all furloughs to a sm a ll percentage of enlisted men. “W ho made th a t order?” I demanded. “The S e c retary of W a r,” they told me. “Did he know th a t P rivate E thelburt Jellyback had applied for a furlough? Did lie know th a t Mrs. H a tton-H iggins’ house- party w a ited upon my coming? Did he know V. On the Social Hardships of Army Life th a t w ithout me the butler would probably bungle the punch? W as he aw a re th a t a dance had been arranged especially for me, in honor of my having offered my life to­ w ards helping m ake the world safe for dem o c racy?” Ah, those questions were sticklers! They couldn’t answ e r them . And, after having raced to the telegraph office to w ire dear Mrs. H atton-H iggins th a t the butler would have to be left to his own devices, I m ade th r e a ts of m u tiny and desertion. E thelburt is Not a R e g u lar! “You’re in the arm y now,” the first ser­ geant told me. “W h y don’t you be a regu­ lar soldier?” “S ir!” I replied w ith Jellyback pride, “I am superior to the regular soldier. My culture, my training, my position in society, all lift me above that, thank H eaven and my lineal descent. The trifiling technicali­ ties of discipline should never apply to me. How absurd!” I was gradually w o rking m yself up into a heat over this outrage, and it was a jolly good thing, too, for we get too little of it here in this land called the Sunny South. “F ir s t they took my leather puttees from me,” I w e n t on hotly. “Then they deprived me of my sheepskin coat. Then of my silk hat cord. W hy, I’ll look ju s t like any other p r iv a te! And me a Jellyback! But I’ll th w a rt some of their discipline. I still have my pink silk pajam as. By day I shall conceal them am o n g my equipm e n t; by night I shall wrap them about me over a pair of flannel pajam a s, like the drapery of a royal couch, and lie down to slum b er, sw eetly confident th a t I still am the scion of one of our first fam ilies—providing, of course, th a t Jim M ugrums, in the next cot, doesn’t snore.” M aking the World Safe for Himself. A fter I had ended this declaration of in­ dependence, the first sergeant said he’d see th a t New Y e a r’s w o u ldn’t be a dull day for me. It w a sn’t. He detailed me to the incinerator. Oh, how little do the officers who are running this w a r realize th a t social con­ veniences, such as furloughs and two-tone color dancing pumps, are necessary to a nature such as mine. Before I can m ake the world safe for dem o cracy I m u st first make m y self safe. How keenly I felt the hardships of disci­ pline, w h ich m a k e s it im p o ssible for the officers to mingle w ith us privates in a so­ cial way. Of course, my sym p athies are more w ith the officers than the men, for the officers, poor fellows, m u s t alw ays eat and converse w ith one another. W h a t a bore! I have draw n up plans for the rem edying of some of these evils, and one plan contains the days on which furloughs should be granted, including the birthdays of Lincoln, W ashington, St. Patricks, St. V alentine, and May-day, E a ster, and the Ides of March. But, of course, I can not put through such a program myself, because, strangely enough, I am still a private. The first sergeant re ­ minded me th a t Napoleon had said th a t there was a m a rshal’s baton in every knap­ sack. He Couldn’t Find His Baton. H e a ring this, I m ade a careful inventory of all my luggage, but now h ere did I dis­ cover the m a rshal’s baton. I thought th a t perhaps I hadn’t been equipped w ith the regulation knapsack. I w ent to the supply sergeant. One alw ays does, you know. “W ill you give me my issue of a m a rshal’s baton?” I asked Mm. He looked a t me askance. I had seen th a t blank look on his face before. I knew th a t it m e a n t: “I haven’t any on hand ju s t now, but they’ll be here next week.” And I am still w ithout m y m a rshal’s baton. I think th a t as soon as the govern­ m e n t concludes its investigation of the shortage in m achine guns and rifles th a t it should undertake an investigation into the lack of baton equipm ent. America, I believe, is the home of the brave and the land of the inquiry. ETH E L B U R T JELLYBACK, Private. ■ — C. D.