Husband (34M) yelled at me for not having an orgasm

On my (31F) last birthday, my husband (34M) and i went to a party, had a great time, and came home afterward....we started having sex, i thought it was really great and was thoroughly enjoying myself. About 20 minutes into it, he stops and gets up and starts yelling at me, angry that i hadn't had an orgasm. He puts his clothes on and goes out in the living room, still angry and yelling, as I am standing there still naked with my mouth open in surprise.

He has had a serious anger problem our entire marriage (4 years at the point this happened, we have been married close to 5 years now) but had never done anything like this. I was visibly upset, cried, and he slept on the couch.

It's been months since that happened, and i am still hurt and upset by it. I avoid sex with him and want no part of it. We were having issues before this, mistly due to his anger, and nkw I don't feel connected to him at all. I cant get "in the mood" when he tries, and Im afraid to tell him that. The more i say no, the more he tries, and sometimes i give in because i feel obligated and so he'll leave it alone for a while. We have only talked about it once, and he didnt understand why it would still bother me and went on a rant about how he had grand ideas for making my birthday super awesome and it just didnt happen.

How can i approach the situation differently or should i approach it at all? I'm at a loss for what to even try here.

TL;DR: i didnt have an orgasm during sex and my husband got angry and yelled at me.

UPDATE: a month ago, i started seeing a therapist by myself. He asked if i wanted him to come, i said no. It did not start an argument. I feel like i wouldnt be able to be honest or open in therapy if he was there, and feel like i wouldnt be able to get a word in if he was there. I worry that he might use what is said in therapy against me later, or that i would go back to not being able to open up about my thoughts/wants for fear of a blow up. I understand things are not good and that we cannot fix this without help. Maybe at some point he can join (he made it clear he is willing) but right now it doesnt sound good.

Also, he has never gotten physical with me, hit me, or anything like that. He has gotten close to me while yelling and intimidated me, and he has broken/thrown things (never at me) but has not been physically abusive to me. We do not have children and i currently have an IUD. He supports this idea.

There's nothing for you to do OP. What he did, the way he treats sex, and his history of blowing up and anger problems...
if he wants to keep his marriage is time for him to act like someone who gives a damn and put in work.

Anger is unacceptable and he really should get therapy for this. There is no reason you need to endure this anymore. However obviously that doesn't mean you need to run from your marriage. He needs to step up and do some work before losing you forever.

Anger can be a result of his shame at his own failings. Maybe a defensive reaction to him feeling like he can't do the job. I know in the past I'd feel disheartened by this and perform worse until I realized it's about the experience not one specific thing like the orgasm.

I'm not saying his reaction is ok but identifying where it's coming from is the start

As someone who studies the neuroscience of trauma and stress responses, you’re bang on.

Op, the only way he will improve is if he somehow becomes magically self-aware. There is nothing you can do to make this happen. Literally nothing. Your role in his life is to help him cope with his stress and trauma by being the verbal punching bag. You are part of his pathology (not because of anything you’ve done wrong—this all started well before you were a part of his life). If he comes to self awareness, it will be outside of this relationship.

You can force someone to go to therapy,but therapy doesn’t work without buy-in. The best thing you can do for yourself is to keep going to therapy yourself. Go to a trauma informed therapist (not cbt). Read the work of Bessel van der kolk. Learn about trauma bonding. Think about what you want your life to look like. If you want kids, why kind of relationship you want to model for them and what kind of environment you want to raise them in.

He is this way because he had a shit childhood, and without that self-awareness, his kids will cope poorly too.

No. He's abusive. She needs to leave him. He is incapable of apologizing and taking ownership of his actions. Therapy will not help him until he is ready to admit he is the problem, and she should not wait around for the abuse to escalate before that happens.

Edit: Op, per your update, your husband is already physically abusive for getting in your face, throwing things, and using his size to intimidate you. It can and likely will escalate to the more severe kind in time. The bottom line is, you don't have a partner. You have an owner who wants to control you. He has a fundamental personality issue that you cannot change. His wants will always come before your needs, and he does not respect you. Ultimatums at this point could actually be dangerous for you. Please contact your local resources or your national hotlilne for domestic abuse victims. You need advice and resources for battered women not demands he go to therapy. If you leave, you need tips to do it safely. He cannot be given the heads up or the opportunity to thwart you or harm you in retaliation. I'm serious. Women are murdered at a shocking rate by their intimate partners every day all over the world.

It took seven years for my ex to become violent, and started with yelling, then throwing things, then hitting/harming himself, then felony domestic abuse and 8 months in jail. Don’t be a statistic. The guy is a selfish partner, a selfish lover, a narcissist, and an abuser. GET. OUT. NOW.

This. I'm a fan of trying to fix something if it seems fixable. People who are willing to work on their anger issues tend to seem to be fixable, so if he's willing to do the work through personal therapy. If he really wants to help the relationship, he'll at least try.

If he won't try, well, it takes 2 to make a successful relationship. It doesn't work when only one is trying.

Agreed--I mean, maybe this would be fixable if his anger issues didn't include screaming at her for not having an orgasm. IDGAF if everyone on this sub cries about people jumping to divorce as a solution. This is a 34 year old man who yelled at a woman for not orgasming fast enough. I'm on the DTMFA train because I'm in a relationship where this sort of thing is unfathomable. That's just, batshit insane. I don't know that he deserves the opportunity to fix this.

Mm....yes, he is this self centered. He feels like if he doesnt make me have an orgasm then its hecause he isnt good enough, which makes him feel defensive and lash out in anger. we dont talk about my wants or my needs because it either launches him into a diatribe about himself or if its different than what he wants then it starts an argument that ends in #10 on the richter scale style yelling.

So how long do you want to stick around on a sinking ship? Like if he's not going to see the problem, if he's creating an atmosphere where you can't communicate about your needs and desires, then this sin't a partnership.

And the egocentric and selfish and controlling world view won’t be changed. Being a person like this makes it so people like this would never admit this and seek help. The way he sees sex, relationship, his wife is toxic and he should stay alone for the rest of his life.

You. Are. Afraid. Of. Your. Husband.

This is not a healthy relationship. You can’t talk to him about your feelings and what you need from your partner. The emotional connection has been so badly damaged it’s almost nonexistent. You don’t trust him and are fearful of his reactions to what you say!

You’re in a abusive relationship OP. You know you can’t go on living this way. He needs to fix himself — there is nothing you can do to make him a better person. None of this is fair to you. It’s time to leave him. Move in a close friend or family member and contact a divorce attorney.

Even if it doesn't, it is still an abusive marriage. There are many types of abuse: psychological, verbal, financial, sexual... none of it is acceptable. There is no excuse for abuse.

Why don't you take a look at the free e-book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

If you are afraid of what he might do if you left, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233, or if you are worried about him overhearing, you can visit thehotline.org and open.a chat session. They can help you plan a safety plan for getting out.

You are absolutely right about not seeing a therapist with him. The behavior you anticipate is typical of an abusive partner.

I hope your therapist hasn't told you to stay and work it out. If so, find a new therapist. thehotline.org might also be able to help you with that.

Think about it: your body knows what's up; it has already left this guy. You should listen to it.

Hmm. I still hate all of this happening to you. I’ve been in a physically abusive relationship and another that was emotionally abusive like this, down to the rage over sex not going how he wanted. It never gets better. You can’t change a person, only yourself. I hope for better things for you and a more stable future.

My ex did the same kinds of things to me. I asked him to get help because his anger was scary to me. He said he wouldn’t get help. It didn’t get better, it only got worse. I finally left because I was exhausted by trying to walk on eggshells to keep his emotions “regulated” all the time. When I met up with him to split up our legal stuff, he looked at me with such hate that I knew he would have started beating sooner rather than later. He had already broken me down emotionally with his abuse, and I’m so thankful I got away before he escalated. The thing is, I loved him, and he didn’t start out as a hurtful, and mean guy. When I got out, one of his friends said to me that watching me in the relationship was like, “watching one of those frogs in the pot of water that so gradually gets turned to boiling, the frog doesn’t notice its being cooked.”

I’m sorry you’re going through this, OP. It’s cruel that he’s doing this to you. If you’re scared, and being coerced into sex, it sounds like it’s already an abusive relationship. If he won’t get help, you have to protect yourself. And you deserve to have a partner who is curious about your wants and needs, and excited to fulfill those for you. I wish you all the love in the world. ❤️

Jesus. What you wrote is something I could’ve written verbatim about my ex and was also going to say to OP. I’m glad you’re not in that relationship anymore. My ex also did not think he needed help and his anger only got worse and scarier. The emotional toll was much worse than the physical and I hope OP’s husband either gets help or that she removes herself from this relationship.

The deflection is just as bad as the anger. This sounds exactly like my ex husband and he never ever learned to control it because he didn’t want to. That’s what deflection means. He will never change, he is scared to change. So he will blame you and yell at you until you agree that it’s all your fault and never his fault and so he has no reason to get help or change. It’s selfish and shitty.

I'm a therapist who often treats anger issues. I see success often, but only when the person realizes they don't want to be like that, and comes to therapy of their own free choice. I usually fail when the client's family or employer or the courts send them for anger management. I'm saying that because although YES, therapy can be life changing for angry assholes, they have to genuinely desire a different life. I hope that either this dude realizes he's out of control, or he goes away and stops taking years off OPs life!

My ex is like this. Would launch into anger EVERY time I brought up an issue. Honestly, I didn’t even have to bring up an issue. He would randomly freak out at me.
The final straws were him calling me every combination of bxtch.

And then he hit me.

And til this day, he maintains I was the problem, I provoked him, if I’d been better, he wouldn’t have had to lay a hand on me.

At this point, do you think it’s worth it for you to work on this marriage? To an outsider this sounds unhealthy and abusive. I hope that you can go see a therapist with or without him. But tbh, someone who can get this angry? I’d leave him in a heartbeat before he killed me, and sadly I’m not saying this to be dramatic.

Does he lie about things, even little things to make himself look better to you or others? He obviously has low to no empathy. Im just wondering if he is a narcissist and if this is true he wont get better but maybe short periods and revert back to his old ways.

He needs continuous therapy and maybe then it would be worth taking a risk and staying with him. Its your time to be selfish and think about what you want and what you need and if he can truly give that for the rest of your lives together.

”The more I say no, the more he tries, sometimes I give in because I feel obligated to”

This is rape by coercion. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but he doesn’t have any respect for you if he’s willing to pressure you into sexual activity you don’t want. It’s fucked up behavior and not how someone treats someone they love, irregardless of whatever ”anger issues” he has.

This behavior will also escalate. Men who think they are ”owed sex” don’t magically stop thinking that way. This isn’t a person you can fix.

OP, you’re 5 years into this. I was where you are but didn’t leave until I was in it for 11 years. It started with emotional abuse then the sexual abuse began- likely as a result of me not wanting to have sex with him because he was so freaking mean all the time. Anger issues, temper -whatever you call it - he was mean. It started with “little” things like what you’re describing. It kept escalating and eventually I was sodomized - I’m talking full on rape. (I was trying to get away, throwing up,etc.) The next day he was the happiest man on earth. Meanwhile I went to the dr and it was so bad they asked if I wanted to press charges. We tried therapy but that was a nightmare because I got berated every time we left for making him “look like an asshole.”

Read the book Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Controlling and Angry Men by Lundy Bancroft. It was such an eye-opener for me, and validated what I was feeling. Hugs to you!

”The more I say no, the more he tries, sometimes I give in because I feel obligated to”

This is rape by coercion.

This took me getting out of the relationship after he cheated on me "due to built up frustration" to realize. Still dealing with that, and with a new SO that is the most patient and understanding person I've even had a hard time dealing with that, not realizing that's how it's SUPPOSED to be.

Men who think they are ”owed sex” don’t magically stop thinking that way. This isn’t a person you can fix.

I also recognize this and feel sorry for his new girlfriend, but she'll figure it out eventually as I'm sure it'll start showing on him after that honeymoon-phase has passed. He's not my problem anymore and I'm glad my friends saw this ill behavior in him and made me open my eyes.

I experienced this as well, I was constantly in relationships with men who forced me into sex in my teen years. The last one ended with having to go to my university to get a no contact order. I never even realized that my boyfriend fucking me in my sleep was even rape :. I honest to god hope that the three men I dated between high school and college drop dead-the world would be better off if they did.

Do you find yourself walking on eggshells a lot to avoid triggering his anger? How has it evolved over the course of your relationship? Does he seem to get angry at many different people in his life and take this anger out in them, or are you getting the main brunt of it?

"Anger issues" are a thing, but plenty of people who talk about having "anger issues" actually have control issues, and anger is just the tool they use to control people around them.

I can't affirm that this is the case of your husband, and it's a very important distinction: if he is consciously or not using his anger to control you, then anger management therapy would be useless (because he can actually manage his anger fine, he just chooses to weaponise it), possibly worse than useless (because he'd be learning tools to weaponise it better), and the therapy he would need would be very different.

The thing is, there are plenty of posts here that clearly depict a person in a relationship with an abuser. This one is a bit less clear to me, but I would not at all be surprised that learning more details of your relationship revealed that it actually is pretty clear-cut. As it is you are in a relationship with someone who "has anger issues", is self-centered enough to make your orgasms his problem, mean enough to turn that problem back on you by yelling at you and being completely nasty to you about it, on your birthday no less, is (in a very optimistic interpretation) clueless enough not to understand why this would be upsetting to you (more realistic interpretation: this bit of willful "cluelessness" very conveniently lets him off the hook for facing the consequences of that reprehensible event)... And I'm most worried about the fact that he's badgering you into sex you don't want until you give in, which is just this side of marital rape. Again, the optimistic scenario is that he's just that self-centered that he doesn't notice or care. But I wouldn't be surprised to find out he knows perfectly well what he's doing and he just thinks he's entitled to sex from you regardless of how you feel about it.

It also occurs to me his anger will make it very hard to work things through with him, won't it? These are things anybody would find upsetting to talk about, and he in particular won't react well to being upset. Again, pretty convenient how it gets him out of you confronting him over how his behaviour hurts you.

I was always on eggshells with my ex. He yelled at me for clogging a toilet.. I can say it may get slightly better for a little, but it will always be a cycle until he gets therapy and accepts it's an actual problem.

Thank you for posting these words- I was looking through the comments to see if anyone had before I went into it, and I'm grateful for the way you said them. Much more eloquent than I would have managed.

Wow. What a thoughtful and considerate response to the posted scenario.

So many others jump to the worst conclusions - myself included - but I feel that you seem to have an excellent outsiders grasp on the situation. Perhaps in your real life you have a career as an accomplished human behaviorist or maybe a conflict resolution negotiator or even a consultant.

Yes. OP needs to pay attention to your post! It is very well-said. I am also really worried that OP is being badgered into sex and think it was important that you brought up how close this is to marital rape. I was in a relationship where I was guilted and coerced into sex and it wasn't until I got out of that relationship and went to therapy and started a new relationship with a wonderful man and tried having sex with him that I realized how incredibly harmful all the guilting and coercion was to my mental health. OP should read the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. She talks about both verbal and emotional abuse, how to identify it and how to escape it. It really helped me.

Your approach should be to run as far as you can. That is straight abusive. It’s demeaning. It’s belittling. And I feel sick to my stomach for you. What an awful thing to do. That’s not forgivable. By that I mean, you shouldn’t work at all to try to rectify or accept or process what he said to you. It’s not at all okay. You deserve so so so much more. The fact he already had so much anger before this leads me to believe he has no boundaries as to how far is anger will go if he’s fine with sexual abuse. I am so so sorry. I really hope you can find the strength to leave and regain some of that humanity he’s tried to strip from you.

So do his anger issues effect the rest of his life? Has he been fired for mouthing off at bosses, does he have blowouts with his friends, does he lose people he cares about because he was aweful to them and they will no longer tolerate it?

If so then this is a real problem he can work on, provided he acknowledges it's a problem, and goes to therapy to work on it. And it will be work for him. Hard work. right now he's yet to even acknowledge he's done wrong in this one incident, never mind acknowledge that there's a pattern of behaviour and that he needs to work on it and start to work on it. Seriously consider if it's ultimatum time for you.

If he doesn't then he doesn't have anger issues. He's capable of controlling his anger, he just doesn't bother for you. There's no way you can force him to consider you a human and not a punching bag.

Sort of. He has not been fired for his anger issues, but has told me that his family/siblings have all seen it before and they understand, that was part of a conversation about how i should understand as well....which now maybe i think is another red flag. He hasn't treated his friends like this to my knowledge, but has had huge blowouts with the roommates he lived with before we were living together. Neither of us really has friends.

Going to put bets on that the OP has no friends because her abusive husband isolated her deliberately and keeps her from making any friends.

And he has no friends because he's an abusive asshole no one wants to be around and that's a repeated pattern where he blames everyone else for being the asshole and never taking responsibility for why he has no friends.

People like this never realise the ever present smell of shit round them is the shit on their own shoe not other people's. But they constantly complain everything smells shitty...

for what its worth, i am an introvert. at work, have to be "on" all the time-friendly, open, outgoing, constantly taking to others. When i get home i need time to recharge and prefer to not spend more time with others. After 5 days of work and being "on" i really value the weekends and prefer to spend them without others.

There have been times where i tell him i'm going out for dinner or happy hour with some folks from work, and it's always ok. He does his own thing for dinner and even if i dont come home until midnight, it's ok. I just prefer to not hang out with people. being an introvert means that spending lots of time with others tends to feel draining, whereas extroverts feel energized by spending time with lots of people.

has told me that his family/siblings have all seen it before and they understand, that was part of a conversation about how i should understand as well....which now maybe i think is another red flag.

Well, it is a red flag that he thinks his anger issues aren't a problem, the only problem from his POV apparently is that you "don't understand". But I'm really curious as to what his family/siblings would have to say about this.

Well, i have talked to his sister about it. She confirmed that she has seen it and just said "yeah, he gets really mad sometimes, just ignore it and he will be fine later". It didnt feel super helpful.

so, it's really good that you're getting support in therapy! that's step one and you're nailing it. you did really well drawing a healthy boundary for yourself by realizing you needed to go it alone for a bit bc him being there would have impacted how open you feel you could be. i just want to validate that you are making some really good choices for yourself and respecting your own needs.

tbh, i'm pretty concerned about some of the things you've described about the blowouts. those behaviours are generally red flags that things will escalate.

but since your husband has offered to come to counselling with you - do you think he'd be willing to go on his own (to a different counsellor) to talk about some of the anger and self-esteem stuff he's struggling with? like, if he can see that there's something wrong and wants to work on it - that's a good thing. not everyone had good models of how to manage anger in their lives and more often than not they even know they don't want to react this way but don't have healthy "when you feel this/try doing this" tools in their toolbox.

that and both of you need to expand your social support circles. it *really* helps. a lot.

Why don't you have any friends? I think some girlfriends would help support you and help you see how this type of treatment is not okay. I know it's hard to make friends as an adult, but try meetup.com and join a walking group or some sort of hobby that you're interested in. Friends will make it so much easier to leave him if it comes to that because he refuses to change. It sounds like his behavior is escalating.

It takes a man who understands you are not a man and usually need way more time than men to pop off

When you are with a man who knows what they’re doing you have an orgasm every time. Women are not broken, the majority of us are not born with defective genitalia. This myth of women not having orgasms is purely because of the majority of men being inept lovers who refuse to learn how to please women in bed. The clitoris is purely there for pleasure, that is its function. It is insane that somehow people have come to believe women are born with defective pleasure buttons or something. and the base of the clitoris is rooted deeply inside the vagina, which is why the D feels so good once you’re sufficiently warmed up.

Heck the warm-up alone takes more than 20 minutes. This dude was shouting at her for not being done when he should have still been warming her up! Da fuq!!

This is like...Oh, let me just stick this cake in the cold oven and turn it on, then get mad when the cake has barely begun to cook after 20 minutes lmao. Even though the instructions clearly say PRE-HEAT the oven lmao

Giving up after twenty minutes is pretty ridiculous. Even if he was going down, you have to switch tactics to give yourself a break and to give the partner some variety. This reeks of "you didn't orgasm fast enough". Like you said, it doesn't work that way.

OP mentioned in another comment this guy is completely self centered and makes her needs/wants about him. Her not orgasming may have threatened whatever idea about himself being a sex machine. Getting her to orgasm may have been a way to congratulate himself. (Its a lot of speculation but it would not be surprising.)

Yeah and the problem is that a lot of men think that "sex" begins when they insert their penis and ends when they ejaculate. That's why they think that "sex" doesn't make women orgasm. I orgasm from oral and manual stimulation really easily, and from penetrative sex too but only if I'm really turned on and we've been fooling around for a while, often the guy has cum once already at that stage. Sex is much better and can go on for ages if it's about more than the penis.

Off topic, this is also who some guys think women want, like, an entire hour of penetration when we say we want a long sex session, and get down on themselves when they can't sustain that. In reality, a lot of us would be really sore by then. What many of us really mean is a long session of making out, foreplay, etc.

Oh god yes and it's so backwards. Penetrative sex is a massive turn on but not if the guy is going out of his way to not enjoy himself so he can last longer. What's the point in that? It's so much better if he cums and then you just keep going with other stuff and start again after.

Some women don't even care. I don't need to have an orgasm to make sex enjoyable for me, so it would irritate the fuck out of me when my boyfriend's would get hung up on me orgasming. It's an ego thing at that point.

Don't have sex you don't want. When he starts bugging you about it say "honestly, your attitude towards me and our sex life is a huge turn off, and I'm not in the mood to be bullied for not orgasming on cue". And then walk away. Let him be an asshole to his hand instead. Duty sex will only make your situation worse, been there and divorced because of that and other stuff. You don't have to live like this, and should be free to have a sex life without those type of abuses. Hugs.

Never go to couples therapy with a potential abuser!! Every domestic abuse authority out there recommends this. They often manipulate the therapist or end up using what was learned in therapy to further harm their victim

I dont want him in therapy with me anyway. Seperately maybe but i feel like if he was in my session i wouldnt be able to be truthful or open up in a way to be helpful to myself. Im straight concerned that he would use things said in therapy against me in an argument later. Im not so sure i wouldnt use thi gs he said against him, either.

Your instincts are correct. This is exactly what he will do. I could type all day about what I went through, what I hear in your posts, etc. I truly believe the replies here that question whether it’s abuse, or replies that question why the hell you don’t just leave have not been in this situation. Some of us here know that underneath this one incident you posted about there’s a lot more. And more to come. We know it’s not as easy as just leaving. It takes awhile for your brain to figure out what’s going on. I’ve been out of my marriage for over 4 years now. I just discovered a book that shocked me because I didn’t realize how textbook abusive my ex was. The manipulation that started from day 1.

I referenced it in another post on here but can give you the title again if you need. I don’t want anyone to think I’m selling it or something. :) I’ll even buy it for you if you need me to. If you’re scared to actually get a copy of it you can buy it on kindle and download it to your phone. Please, please read it. Or mention it to your therapist. All the best to you and take it one step at a time.

But there is not only perfectly nice people, and evil abusers. There are people that have bad tendencies, or made mistakes, or are sometimes giving in to bad tendencies - in a certain light or dark grey area in between.

Sure, if you are with an outright abuser, who manipulates you day and night without the slightest remorse, I totally agree with your point.

But what if your spouse is overall a good person, not an abuser, but has some worrying tendencies that need to be adressed? Somebody who doesn't manipulate you, but has a tendency to be passive-agressive about some things. Or who gets a little whiny and guilt-trippy when he/she is in a very bad mood. Or lashes out at you because of surpressed fears and anxiety, but later feels really bad for letting those feelings get the better of her/him. A *potential*, not *actual* abuser, so to speak. Shouldn't you go with them to therapy so they can reflect and stop going down that road?

Just asking as a serious question, I don't have a perfect answer myself.

First things first you have to know that coercion is not consent. He’s violating you if he’s pushing your boundaries like that. He doesn’t seem to care about how you feel about the whole situation based on what you wrote and he only cares about getting his own and feeling like he’s capable or something. It seems like he only cares about you orgasming to know that he can do it but not for you. Talk to him, if he doesn’t change and he’s still angry then it shows he won’t change. Suggest couples counselling (I know a lot of people probably said this already). If he doesn’t seem like he will change his shit attitude and learn to respect you then end the relationship.

I think i should have been more clear on that part. He tries to get things started down the intimacy route, and i say no, and thats ok. There has never been any anger or fighting over me saying no to sex. Before this happened, we averaged sex about 1-2 times a week, and usually any time either of us would be in the mood, it was all good and things would proceed normally. But "no" has always been respected, and still is. What i meant was that the frequency of how often he tries will increase. Instead of trying to get me in the mood once a week, if i say no he will try again a few days later. And i'll say no and he will try again a few days later. And another no, and he'll try the following day. Or later that day.

Sometimes him "trying" to get me in the mood is just a specific type of kiss that we only share during intimacy....or he'll let his hands wander to specific places during a hug. Sometimes its more obvious, getting on top of me when we are already in bed, for instance.

I'm not sure if this really constitutes as him pushing my boubdaries since when i tell him no, he respects that and stops. Me giving in is more related to myself feeling guilty about rarely having sex with my husband and also from me wanting a break from advances.

But he doesn't stop, he just waits a couple of days and tries again until he wears you down enough for you to say yes. That is coercion. The reason you don't want to have sex with your husband is because of how he acts when you do. No one should EVER feel guilty about not having sex. It is something that you both have to be happy with participating with. Him coming into the room and getting on top of you while you're already in bed doesn't automatically mean he should be able to get his dick wet.

You also mentioned him throwing things but not at you, it's only a matter of time before he escalates to aiming them at you, and then possibly using you as his personal punch bag. No one should be able to make you feel the way you do, especially a husband.

But it is also not right to shame him just for trying to initiate sex every few days. According to OP, he always respects her "no", he doesn't shame or guilt trip her, he just tries again after a few days, which is not evil. What is he supposed to do from your point of view - never even initiate? Just stop having sex at all?

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There is a *serious* problem with him, but it is in my opinion *not* that he tries to initiate sex. The problem is that he has anger issues and lashed out at her for not having an orgasm (wtf). That was messed up and self-centered and needs to be addressed, and all the underlying problems as well.

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He definitely should 1. talk openly to her about that, listen to her, and admit that it is a problem, and 2. find therapy if he wants to repair things. As other poster already specified, this is the only reasonable way.

But he doesn't stop, he just waits a couple of days and tries again until he wears you down enough for you to say yes. That is coercion.

I don't know about that. I think it's coercion in that when OP tries to discuss her issues with how he treats sex, he blows up at her and refuses to talk about it. But what you're saying is that he should take her "no" as permanent, and that he should just stop initiating sex altogether. I don't think that's reasonable. This guy's a jerk, but it's completely normal for a married person to try to initiate sex every day or every few days. If OP wants to be the one to initiate and for him to not initiate at all, that's something they need to talk about. The fact that she can't talk about it with him is the central issue, not the fact that he's initiating sex with his wife the day after she said she wasn't in the mood.

I'm not sure if this really constitutes as him pushing my boubdaries since when i tell him no, he respects that and stops. Me giving in is more related to myself feeling guilty about rarely having sex with my husband and also from me wanting a break from advances.

When someone harasses you so many times that you only say yes to make them stop, that's not proper consent. This is not healthy and you don't need to put up with this and the other anger/abuse problems he has. If you're scared of your husband going into therapy with you because he will use that info against you, that's abuse.

He has never been physical with me, no. There have been a few times where i did feel intimidated, because he was loud and in close proximity, or waving his arms, or gone gorilla style and beat on the counter with his fists making a ruckus, but he has never gotten physical with me in his anger. With inanimate objects? I'm not clear what you mean by that; he has thrown things before, and broken things in the process, but never thrown anything at me.

He has never been physical with me, no. There have been a few times where i did feel intimidated, because he was loud and in close proximity, or waving his arms, or gone gorilla style and beat on the counter with his fists making a ruckus, but he has never gotten physical with me in his anger. With inanimate objects? I'm not clear what you mean by that; he has thrown things before, and broken things in the process, but never thrown anything at me.

That is being physical with you. He's using his size and strength to intimidate you. And I would bet that in the process of trying to calm him down when he throws things you end up doing what he wants. It's not that he won't hit you. It is that he hasn't hit you yet. Please get out before that happens.

If your SO refuses to hear out your wants and needs there is a big problem. I was afraid in my last relationship too. Any time I was sad or needed reassurance he would get angry at me. He never accepted any responsibility for how his poor actions could make me feel. It got to the point where I was so terrified of his reaction that I just didn’t talk about my emotions. Then I buried it to make him happy and it just ate me up inside. I can’t imagine doing this for 5 years. Couple’s therapy could at least give you a safe space to talk to him in a controlled environment...but there is no guarantee of change. You deserve better.

I think when i am sad or frustrated he doesn't know how to help and just reacts in anger. I also am afraid of that reaction so i keep it bottled up and ignore it. I do bury it all. It is eating at me and becoming something i feel like i cant keep doing in the long term, which is what brought me to therapy/reddit for advice.

So he's in a relationship where he doesn't have to deal with any negative emotions from his partner at all, but he gets to vent his own emotions as much as he feels like... That's pretty sweet.

Again, seems that anger is more of an asset for him than a problem. It's a problem for you, but he's effectively insulated from your emotions such that what's a problem for you doesn't need to be a problem for him. And that's not how healthy, balanced relationships work.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. You’re right, it isn’t healthy to bottle things up and you should be able to talk to others about it. I’m glad you’re in therapy, but I hope you aren’t afraid to pursue other avenues to connect with others and talk things through. Relationships need to be fulfilling (not just not-abusive). The fact that you don’t have avenues to fully be yourself with your partner because you are bottling your emotions is enough reason to leave, if you can.

When you love someone you expect that they love you back in the same way so it's normal to assume their motives are innocent, like you're doing here by saying that he just doesn't know how to help.

In reality though you've told him and he hasn't listened and then he used his anger to make you afraid to talk about your feelings again. He also apparently wants sex to be all about him too so he used his anger to make you afraid to expect sex you enjoy. He's basically said that if you dont orgasm on his schedule then you better keep quiet about it or he'll flip out.

It's manipulation and for the sake of your sanity stop listening to his words and stop guessing at his motives. Look at the outcomes instead to see what he really wants: a woman whose emotions and sexual pleasure he doesn't have to consider. Would someone who actually cared about you create a scenario where you never talk about how you feel? Would they be aggressive towards you for not orgasming fast enough? No, they wouldn't. Think about it, would you ever shut down his feelings and try to scare him? Would you be ok with him being afraid of you? There's no way he doesn't know what he's doing either, he knows what fright looks like on your face. He's doing this all on purpose.

From the sounds of this, he doesn't care about you, not in a normal way. He cares about himself and what you can provide for him. He's been just as nice as he had to be to make sure you stuck around and now that he's a bit more comfortable he's showing you how little he actually has to give. Believe him. He'll probably diall the violence and intimidation, or good behaviour, up if you try to leave him (who knows which) but it will always return to this, because a relationship where he gets everything for nothing is what he wants.

This was me and my husband. Your husband sounds like an angry man in a basic sense who probably won’t change. After doing all the work in the relationship and telling myself for years that I was the problem I left him and am really really happy now. Looking back it was so much worse than I realized at the time. Angry men are usually depressed and narcissistic and it infects the whole relationship. (I know women can be that way too but I’m speaking from my own experience and so I’m not addressing that side of it.) A man who is angry about sex is the worst of all. It shows basic misogyny and lack of understanding or caring to understand female physiology and psychology. It’s so disrespectful and unkind to you. I now see that looking back. You can try counseling but if he is basically an angry man it may not help. Is he angry in other areas of life? These are things you ask yourself and then you need to be honest with yourself. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do to leave him, but it was also the bravest and best thing I’ve ever done (Second to giving birth to my kids in terms of the best thing!). If you would like to talk further about this please PM me.

He only thinks about himself. He doesn't talk about your needs in sex, so basically he refused to work for it but still blames you for not having an orgasm. He gets angry when he had plans to make your birthday super awesome by his definition and thinks you 'ruined' it, so he is even making your birthday about himself.

Do you want to live the rest of your life like that? You can easily find another relationship where you're not being screamed at.

He only thinks about himself. He doesn't talk about your needs in sex, so basically he refused to work for it but still blames you for not having an oefasm. He gets angry when he had plans to make your birthday super awesome by his definition and thinks you 'ruined' it, so he is even making your birthday about himself.

I think you already know what everyone has to say: He needs therapy. And if he refuses to get it or work on his anger, then there will be a breaking point for you. This is the most adolescent thing I’ve ever heard someone get legitimately pissed about. My husband knows that sometimes I orgasm, sometimes I don’t, either way we both enjoyed ourselves in our intimacy.

People with anger issues are my top one pet peeve. Funnily enough my ex was like that, he'd just burst into anger over the smallest things, and while I hoped he'd work on it (I loved him and it made me overly optimistic), he didn't really so eventually I got tired of being constantly on the lookout for the next outburst and broke it off.
OP, I am sorry you're going through this. But his problem is not on youto fix. I'd suggest trying to get him to go into therapy for it and if the doesn't want to, get yourself out of there. You deserve much more from a relationship.

I am pretty sure that is rape by coercion. He is being abusive and entitled and, at the least, is acting like a child. He sounds like he needs therapy for that, and you sound like you need therapy for the aftermath. Please get out if you can.

Also, he has never gotten physical with me, hit me, or anything like that. He has gotten close to me while yelling and intimidated me, and he has broken/thrown things (never at me) but has not been physically abusive to me.

I use to say this, excusing and downplaying my ex's actions. You know what I eventually learned? Intimidation, bullying, threatening behaviors, and breaking things ARE INFACT forms of abuse. These are not normal husband behaviors and you don't deserve to live with it everyday. It starts to feel normal after awhile and you desentizise yourself to just how awful it is. Best thing I ever did was divorce, OP.

Please have him seek some professional help, if he cares at all about keeping you.

It this keeps up 1 or 2 things may occur.

You will become sexually traumatized. What was once something you loved and enjoyed with your husband in the bedroom will now feel like rape. I’m not kidding. Deep down you already know you’re heading down that trail of thought.

You will leave.

I hope your husband AND you get the help you need. You are obviously hurting because of this and it is affecting your Psych.

Screaming in your face and throwing things in anger is actually physical abuse. There is no fixing this marriage, I’ve seen women suffer like this my whole life, they try and try and try and the men don’t change. It’s safer for you to assume he won’t.

Your update sounds scarily like my dad. I don’t think it’s fair to you to be living like that, afraid that what you might say in couples therapy could haunt you at home, tiptoeing around and having sex with your husband as a way to appease him. It doesn’t sound healthy and it doesn’t sound safe. Obviously you know more than I do about your marriage but that really seems emotionally abusive and likely to turn physical, especially if he already throws things.

Eerily similar to my ex husband, anger wise. Being married to someone with anger issues is so hard. You never do anything right. The littlest thing will set them off and you have to walk on egg shells at all times. They can try honestly to change and control it, but they won’t be able to because it’s such an innate part of who they are. That spilling into your sex life probably makes it so much harder. I’m really curious how people resolve things like this. Keep us updated!

This subreddit is always get out and don’t look back. Like if your partner isn’t a robot who is perfect in every way you should leave them, that seems unrealistic. This dude has issues for sure, but give him the opportunity to fix it. Tell him to go to therapy or you’re out. That simple.

Sex isn’t something to be “over with” - his behaviour implies you should be DONE by now. No. You cannot shame a man or woman for being done whenever. He sounds controlling and cruel, other than seeking therapy and asking why I can only recommend self care and focusing on you

Sex doesn't have to be terrifying at worst, or something that you reluctantly put up with, at best. You could be having sex with someone who wants to do the things that turn you on and that you find enjoyable. That "someone" is not likely to be your husband.

Could you all just stop suggesting therapy for him or couples therapy? Therapy for Op to realize she is in an abuse situation - YES. But this sub needs to realize that individual or couples therapy with an abuser is the worst advice, because it makes the situation worse instead of better. People here seem to think that therapy is some magic fix that you just recommend for every situation.
Therapy dir or with an abuser is not recommended and it can be and often is dangerous for the victim!
Abusers don’t change in almost all cases, they may learn to hide it better but that’s it. For an abuser to get less abusive you need a specialized treatment for abusers. But even that often isn’t a fix.

Maybe at some point he can join (he made it clear he is willing) but right now it doesnt sound good.

You're completely right that he shouldn't come to your therapist appointment with you. But he's the one with the anger issue. He should have his own therapist. Has he proactively worked on his issues at any point in the 5 years you've been married? What makes you think that you going to a therapist is going to fix things?

Honestly, I was in a relationship exactly like this, same fights, same anger issues. It took a while, but eventually he started getting physically abusive with me and it got really bad, severe spinal injuries and whatnot. If he doesn't actively seek help asap and sort out his shit, it could end the same way my ex relationship did. I ended up on the train tracks ready to end my life. Look out for yourself girl, red flags are red flags for a reason. I hope you guys can work it out and it doesn't end up anything like my ex relationship did. Much love🖤

Your update is the worst part of this. All those reasons why you don’t want to do therapy with him are big indicators of a manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship. Have you expressed these feelings to your therapist? What do they say?

Do you want to save this relationship? If so, he needs to start individual therapy and then you would need to do couples’ counseling together, but if you really think that he would use the information against you and that you can’t be honest, it won’t help at all. His anger issues alone may be bad enough to leave, but the fact that he is the type of person to use things revealed in therapy against you means that he is a cruel, selfish person. Can someone who truly loves you do that? I don’t believe that’s real love. That’s selfishness, entitlement, and ownership. He will only get worse with time...

I feel like i wouldnt be able to be honest or open in therapy if he was there, and feel like i wouldnt be able to get a word in if he was there. I worry that he might use what is said in therapy against me later, or that i would go back to not being able to open up about my thoughts/wants for fear of a blow up.

You need to get the hell out of this relationship. The birthday situation you describe is bad enough, the rest of this context is unforgivable. You shouldn't just tolerate it.

Usually when I read a story about a terrible spouse, I'll wonder why the other partner stays stays with them. My go-to assumption is that the crazy/manipulative/abusive party is just incredibly good in bed.

This loser doesn't even have that going for him, lol. Dump him, and bring a little bit more justice into this unfair world.

You're getting a lot of good advice here, but for all your responses and OP, I still can't figure out what it is that you want here. You're of course completely justified in leaving if you were seeking validation in that regard, but there's also the option of setting some very strict boundaries for him, and working towrds getting your marriage back in order.

That said, and even if you manage to corner him into going to therapy, you must know that he's very, very unlikely to change as a person. When people talk about "anger problems", unless they've been victims of serious trauma in their adult lives and are suffering from some chronic form of PTSD, what they're really referring to is a person's actual personality. PErsonalities can change over time with some very specific forms of long-term psychotherapy, it's just gotta be something that the person wants to do. And this is a tight balance to achieve when trying to shift their movitations by making it an ultimatum.

He is still perpetrating violence even though he hasn’t physically hurt you, he’s perpetrating emotional and sexual violence and probably other forms too, also look up the cycle of violence see if it rings true.

Oh sweetheart. I’m so sorry. He definitely needs help, but you do too. Glad you’re getting it. That behavior is beyond crushing, and would be deeply wounding to any reasonable human. If he isn’t profoundly remorseful, and trying to mend his ways, just buckle up and accept a lifetime of shitty treatment.

**I was with a man whose anger often manifested in the bedroom- not in a fun way. It took me a long time to get out of the relationship, but I can look back now and thank my lucky stars I got away. Therapy helped. Friends calling me out on his fukery helped.

OP, I grew up in a situation just like this one. Leave, please. The longer you stay, the harder it will feel to leave and the more your self worth will suffer. You can approach this topic from every direction, other people can have interventions, it won't fix this. As long as he can treat you like this and you stay in his life, he will continue to treat you like this. For everyone in your life that cares about you, don't spend your life with this man.

To be clear, (it took me a very long time to admit it myself) this behaviour is emotional abuse. You will notice yourself behaving more and more like an abuse victim: rationalizing his behaviour, going to ridiculous lengths not to set him off, and feeling a tension build up when there hasn't been a blowout for a while. This is not some weird quirk he has that you're asking him to work on. This will wear you down over time and cause serious emotional damage.

This is not what you want to hear, I'm sure. But I hope you can trust those of us who have similar experience.

He’s emotionally abusing you. You aren’t happy. He needs to be in therapy dealing with his own shit like the rest of us. But that can only come from him. He has to want to change and address the place where all of this anger is coming from.

You are absolutely right that he should not join you in therapy. That therapist and that room is for you and you alone. If you choose to pursue couples counseling, you will pick a different therapist in a different place. And it is for exactly the reason you are saying, people who are abusive do use what is in therapy against you. He should also be in anger management and solo therapy himself.

I am so sorry you are going through this abuse. I am so glad you are in therapy to have someone to talk to and give you help when you're ready. I can't imagine how scared and even detached from him you are and I am so sorry for that.

My only advice after going through a similar situation that escalated and escalated is to leave. I left later in the game and all i think now is wow, i wasted so many years, my best years with him. He stole my magic, my will to survive, my strength, my vivaciousness, my fierceness, me. He stole me. It took me years to be whole again. I wish that on no one. Bbn I was a timid shaking shell of my former self.

If you did decide to leave please do so with help from professionals like your therapist or through a domestic violence hotline to create an appropriate exit plan. Please do not underestimate the violence that can come from these situations.

I'm dating a woman now whose ex husband has rage issues pretty close to what you described. She said she never really noticed how not normal it was until we started seeing each other. Living in house with someone that you are constantly afraid will blow up is not healthy.

This is domestic abuse. Domestic abuse isn’t always when someone physically lays their hands on you. If he is yelling in your face and throwing things, he is already there. He is already abusing you. He needs LOTS of help and it’s not right for you to be like a punching bag for when his ego or temper decide they want to come out. There are so many red flags from what you said OP. I normally am one to suggest working on the relationship and I’m one for communication, but in this case I’d honestly say get out as soon as you can.

He is abusing you. He needs to address it properly by getting help, or you need to take steps to get out safely. Think of the advice you would give a close friend or relative if they were dealing with a petson like this, and go with that. It's not normal to scream at your spouse, it's normal to lean in and shout in their face, it's not normal to blame their own issues on the person they've married, it's not normal to normalize these horrifying interactions.

He needs therapy NOW, or this will not work. You're having sex with him, sex you do not want, out of fear. If he doesn't gef into therapy now and change himself, this relationship is far over as it is abuse. Orgasms are about you, no matter how hard he tries, if you can't get your head into it, it will not happen. The female body is a difficult thing to navigate, and having an orgasm is a ton harder than for most men. What he did is super wrong, he needs to get help.

Just because someone isn’t physically abusive doesn’t mean they aren’t abusive. Anger issues are hard to deal with. My dad has/has anger management issues and I saw my mom struggle to deal with him for years. It isn’t a happy ending. My advice would be to get him in therapy. Give him a chance to better himself. If he doesn’t change, get out. You will save yourself so much pain.

Do you want children with this man? If you do, I highly suggest that you picture in your mind the way he yells at and intimidates you but instead of you being the one yelled at, imagine it's a small child cowering in fear. Imagine that this child is scared to death of its father and suffers from anxiety issues and other mental health issues because of it.

Then, for an alternative, imagine a child, a cute little boy, who is sweet with you when they are young but as they become a teenager they begin to treat you and other women the way they see your husband treating you. Imagine being intimidated by both this man and this man's offspring at the same time.

I don't understand why people stay in situations where they are clearly miserable. You are clearly miserable and he doesn't care.

Lack of physical abuse does not mean there's no abuse. Do you feel safe with him? When he breaks things are they his, yours, or shared items? Do you have family and friends who know about his anger management problems? How is your therapy going? Do you know about a local domestic violence organization?

He has gotten close to me while yelling and intimidated me, and he has broken/thrown things (never at me)

This is abusive. When he throws things near you, the implicit threat is that he could throw them at you if you make him angrier. So you back down/ignore your feelings/walk on eggshells/are afraid of opening up to him, because he's being abusive to you by being physically violent at/around you. He's showing you he will escalate. Yelling at you like this is abusive, too.

These kind of people (any gender) don't start out behaving this way. They start out charismatic, attentive and fun. It's called love bombing. Then over time, when they know you're attached to them, they start the controlling, isolating, coercion, etc. It's kind of hard to realize things aren't right in your relationship when you're constant told how great it is, how jealous everyone is of you two, and so on. Then before you know it you're alienated from family, friends, and convinced you're so worthless that nobody else would want you.

Yeah. When I was with my ex I was trying to give him a blow job and he told me to stop because I looked ‘devious’. I stopped and he never got a blow job from me again. And we hardly had sex after that. He’s a fucking idiot for crossing that boundary. I would divorce his ass yesterday.

Also, he has never gotten physical with me, hit me, or anything like that. He has gotten close to me while yelling and intimidated me, and he has broken/thrown things (never at me) but has not been physically abusive to me.

I'm scared for you OP. When you get to the point of saying "at least he doesn't beat me up", things are getting bad. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he starts getting physical. The fact that he steps into your personal space and yells in your face is bad enough.

This isn't healthy. This isn't normal. Save your sanity and maybe your life by getting out. People may think I'm being extreme, but even if he never escalates further, who the fuck wants to stay around and be screamed at for not having an orgasm?!?

So anyway OP. Surprisingly few people here have asked you about you. Obviously don’t answer if you’re not comfortable. But reading your post and your comments on other posts I got the impression that you don’t love him anymore and you’re struggling with the logistics of acting on your feelings, not really weighing up the decision? Are you speaking with your therapist about support? Divorce can bring out the worst in people. Make sure you’re safe when you tell him and you make sure that he doesn’t get in your face when you’re getting your things. Hang in there

Please get out, OP. You don't have kids, which is such a HUGE advantage in this case. I left an abusive marriage late at night, little kids in tow. It was terrifying, but the moment of clarity it took to do so was one of the most profound gifts of my life. You are worth 1000% more than this. Your husband is an abuser. You are being abused. Check out the #maybehedoesnthityou hashtag on twitter. I also suggest looking into NPD abuse. It is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to take care of yourself. Sending you lots of light. <3

You give into sex because he has an anger problem and you dont want to face him. This is an enormous red flag. If you're scared he's going to physically abuse you, you really should get out asap. If you aren't, therapy needs to be mandatory for him. If he refuses, then again, you really should get out asap.

I think your husband is clearly upset because you are not getting an orgasm no matter how hard he try....i dont think that this is related to his anger issues. i think he has been trying for a while to get you in to orgasm but you are not reaching there.I think you both need to talk about it and you should tell him what all things he could do to give you an orgasm

My father did the same to my mother before having child, than he was extremely abusive with me, he hit me first when I was baby. The anger find his way out from people like him any way, and never know who will be the victim. My mother is regreting now why not leaving him at the first anger control problem... .

This is a serious issue and he needs to talk to a therapist about it. From what you’ve written it sounds like he has a fundamental insecurity about his performance and your shared sex life where his security seems tied to his ability to sexually satisfy you/bring you to climax ( and while I’m aware that the two aren’t mutually exclusive, it sounds like it may be, for him ). He also clearly has some serious anger management problems that he needs to grow up and deal with, because it’s making you suffer. No one should have to placate their partner by conceding to sex just to avoid getting yelled at.

Sounds like he needs individual therapy as well long before you do a joint one. I am sorry your husband yelled at you because you didnt orgasm fast enough for him. However that is his problem, not yours. You also shouldn't feel pressured into sex or feel like it is your obligation. You have a legitimate reason to be wary of him during sex because what happens if you again dont orgasm fast enough for him?

Op, please tell your therapist all of this if you haven't already. Also check out the narcissistic abuse sub here on reddit. Also Google "love is respect," and take the quizzes and read the articles on their site. You are in an abusive relationship with someone who likely has some type of personality disorder, and the chances he'll get meaningful help and make significant changes are slim to none.

Girl, he is abusive. You can’t be open or honest with him, he yells at you and insults you, I’m guessing for thing you have no control over (like not orgasming??). You worry he’ll lord things you say in confidence over you. He is a bully.

Yelling at your and throwing/breaking things is abuse, even if he is not throwing the things AT you. There’s no saving a relationship with a toxic, abusive person. There is only one possible solution to this, and that’s you leaving him.

I wasnt updating that he hadnt gotten pjysical with me as a merit, i included it because multiple people were asking if he had or assuming he already had. It was an intent to provide clarity, not to provide merit.

You could try getting a therapist to work on your own communication issues.

That’s how I figured out how unhealthy and toxic my last relationship was—I thought I was going to figure out better ways to communicate but I also figured out how miserable my relationship was making me and how I was accepting poor treatment.

So, maybe all you need is new tactics to convince your husband not to yell at you or to take your feelings and happiness seriously.

Or maybe (like I did) you need help shaking awake and learning to value yourself enough to walk away from abuse.

But either way, a therapist could help give you some perspective and more detailed advice.

There's two ways of advice I want to give you, based on your answer to this question:

When he throws and breaks things, are they ever his? Or are they always yours?

If the answer is yes, they are sometimes his, he needs to be in therapy for his anger issues. He probably has several issues that cause him to do things he regrets.

If the answer is no, they are always yours, then he SHOULD NOT GO TO THERAPY. He should go to an abusers program. Therapy when a person is abusive is not helpful, because a therapists job is to listen and sympathize with their client and offer advice for the good of their client. Which isn't always to the good of the relationship. An abusers program instead focuses on changing his actions in order to remove his privileges (such as getting sex when you don't want to) and evening the playing field between you two. Thus creating a healthier relationship.

You may ask, why an abusers program? Because when he gets angry, he makes a conscious choice to cross a line (but go no further) -- which in the past has been breaking your things. If he was truly just mad with rage, he'd break anything in sight. Since it's only your things, it meant to hurt you and not to let out his rage. It's meant as a punishment to you, because you did X (in this case, not orgasm) you DESERVE getting your things broken. It's laid out very nicely in "Why does he do that?" (Which is a free book PDF, that i strongly encourage you to read if you can do so safely.)

If he wants you to have an orgasm he should have a conversation with you about what you like and ask for feedback. Having a temper tantrum, not so much. Very maladaptive (spoiled?) communication style. I would say abusive. My understanding is that it is not safe to go into therapy with an abusive partner as they are likely to manipulate the therapeutic relationship. He needs individual therapy to come to the understanding that he’s being abusive before anything

How dare he. Of course your not comfortable anymore, there’s all this stress to perform for him so he doesn’t blow his goddamn top at you. Sex is entirely about his pleasure now because everything you feel and do during it is to appease him and make sure he’s happy. At that point your not having sex, hes having sex -with his own living blow up doll.

That sort of hostility, fear and pressure has no place in a healthy relationship. What he did is a huge violation in one of your most vulnerable moments.

If he can’t get himself into anger management then you need to leave him, because that sort of thing is dangerous not just physically but mentally. And I don’t mean he just says ‘yeah I’ll do it” that’s not enough. He needs to be in anger management within a reasonable time frame and then STICK WITH IT.

If he misses more than 30% of those appointments, he’s not actually trying. He’s just attempting to appease you till you let it go and then everything can go back to the status quo.

Though I think you should outright just leave. He is not healthy enough to be in a proper relationship and it would be a shame for you to get pulled down with him trying to save him from himself. You can’t change another person.

Do not date people with anger issues, who never at least have a plan and are actively fixing it. Even then it’s better to leave them to their devices so they can sort out their anger before you take that risk for yourself.

OP you can’t even trust your husband to be nice to you during therapy? You can’t trust him to not use stuff against you! I’m sorry but what’s the point of him? What’s the point of staying with him?

A relationship or marriage is one of the things you should be most picky about in your life. You should not settle for an angry person who makes your life worse than if you were single. If you want someone to live with the rest of your life it should be someone who is great for you. Who only gets angry on rare occasions and even when they do they handle it like an adult without blowing up and losing their minds.

You have plenty of time to find someone else. Seriously. He is nuts and you are hurting yourself by making yourself stay with him. My recommendation: divorce. Stay in therapy. Start dating when you feel ready and closer to being healed. (You don’t want to repeat the pattern and date someone crazy again. Prepare yourself for standing up for yourself and potentially breaking it off with people who seem manipulative, angry, mean, so you can find someone actually kind.)

If you want to fix it (it’s fine to not want to) he needs to get into therapy by himself. He needs to leave the house if he starts getting angry and go for a walk. Screaming needs to be forbidden, and he needs to consent to that — again, he leaves the house if he starts throwing a tantrum. He cannot abuse you and you cannot let him. If he yells and won’t leave, then you leave. But it would still be better to just not tolerate abuse in the first place and to find someone who is incapable of raising their voice at you from the beginning of the relationship.

The point of bringing him to therapy with you is to have a mediator. He would not be able to talk over you and control the conversation like he does in private. You need an aggressive counselor that isn't afraid to call your husband out, I know you aren't sold on therapy but the way you speak about the situation makes me think you also dont want things to get fixed, or are only focusing on yourself and what you can do versus what he can do for the relationship as well. If you truly dont believe he can change then I ask you, do you want to continue living in a marriage where you find your husband repugnant?

I feel like with someone who has anger issues, it's better not to lower yourself to their level. Arguing back is fine, but do it deadpan without raising your voice. Then watch as the other person has a temper tantrum all by themselves. Hopefully the other person would look back on that experience later and feel embarrassed that they lost control like that.

Seriously, OP. Start yelling at him to get aroused and when, scream at him when he's taking too long. See if he has any fucking concept of how stressful performance anxiety is, much less after he's scared you shitless. He is heartless. I understand you're working through it, but he needs to work through why the fuck he can't relate with his own wife.

But forreal, like people say, he needs therapy. Doing this while you're practically opened up (heh) and vulnerable, that ain't cool at all. And ahving such performance anxiety + it was your birthday and everything?
Maybe he was super nervous and it didn't went the way he hoped. I bet he wanted it to be your best bfday ever or something, like your orgasm would be the dot over the i.

I think that like others have said if you want to salvage your relationship with your husband you might want to consider marriage counseling. Your sexual relationship is not in a good place and while I dont believe that bullshit that it's the end all be all of your relationship it is pretty important and I feel like it has become a pretty big source of anxiety for you and you need to deal with it. Clearly you are a little afraid of dealing with your husbands anger issues as well so there are a few things you could benefit from dealing with. I think that if he loves you he would agree to it because maybe he has some stuff that he would want to talk about too. Just try to bring it up in a way where it's his idea too. The longer you put off doing something about it the more it will fester. You deserve to be happy ♡

Her husband is a narcissist. His ego is so deeply buried he will just use therapy to punish her. He’ll use her vulnerability to attack her to protect that ego and prevent himself from growing and changing.

I was raised by a narcissist so if that is in fact true then I know the best bet is to leave but I am not sure we can say that is 100 true judging by her one post. I am not trying to play devils advocate or say that you are wrong but we dont know the full story either. He could just be a very unhappy man with lots of issues that need solving. I dont think that it's up to her to solve his issues but I truly believe that people deserve the chance to deal with their issues before they are just tossed aside. This is of course if she hasn't tried to get help before or if this isn't after years of trying in which case I agree with you she should leave,because I am all for her being happy. Because I know when it comes to dealing with a narcissist that there is nothing that you can do when they are in a spiral, as hard as you try. It is them that needs to understand that they are the sick ones. Or they will forever live happily in their delusional worlds.

He is showing classic narcissistic behavior. It’s not my job to diagnose him but to share similarities in other diagnoses and experience with npd patients and relationship. I was also r/raisedbynarcissists

Ok. Maybe it would be a good idea to take your husband with you to therapy. but not for the issues you have a bed but your communication. Maybe you could work on opening up and him not blowing up on you when you do it. maybe talking about your wants and needs is too many steps ahead. You both should learn how to talk before you start talking.

I would love to do something like this....neither of us has friends really. And i am pretty sure this would cause a major blowup between us later if i did. I feel like i could never do something like this.

Let’s have a threesome. I can make you have orgasm. When you’re about to cum, give me a signal, and I’ll let him take over so he’d feel as if he did it. That hopefully would feed the ego of your emotionally-abusive husband. What an arse!

I'm someone who has an anger problem. I've had it since I was a child and still struggle with it occasionally. I mention this to give you a point of reference.

The first thing I'll say is, if his outbursts are physical then you need to leave. Based on what you said it doesn't appear to be the case but if it is then don't risk your safety, just go.

Convincing someone that they have an anger issue isn't easy by any means and it may not be something that you can do. If you succeed it will take time and it will take a lot of forgiveness on your end to see it through.

If possible, you should see a couple's counselor. A counselor can provide a neutral ground and a mediator to help communicate the problem that you have with this to him. They can help him see that his outbursts are not helpful and give him ways to redirect or express his anger. I highly recommend this.

Ultimately, there is nothing you can do to control him. There are some things that you can do to help your relationship though. The first thing is, forgive him. I know what he did wasn't right but hanging on to it isn't helping your relationship. In fact, it's causing a rift between you.

I've been married 18 years. My wife and I are probably the worst couple ever. At times we have some pretty big fights. Sometimes I'm right and sometimes she's right. Afterward we forgive each other and move on. We've had to learn to forgive because we both have very strong and stubborn personalities and if we didn't we would have been divorced 17 years ago.

The physical aspect of the relationship (read sex) is very helpful to bring two people together. Many therapists have posted on Reddit noting that many big relationship issues often have diminished or at least seem much smaller once a couple resumes having regular physical relationships. I can certainly sympathize with you that this outburst has ruined your desire to be intimate with him but being intimate with him may be a tool that helps keep him close and will help you work out your issues. I know my wife's willingness has helped us through some very difficult times.

The advice I've given here corresponds to what my marriage counselor has told my wife and I. I'm just passing the information on.

Sorry, but no. A blanket “forgive him” for screaming at her when she didn’t orgasm despite him not expressing any remorse is not an acceptable answer. It’s not on OP to forgive and forget abusive behavior to save her marriage. It’s on her husband to accept responsibility and work with OP to reestablish the trust he destroyed. OP forgiving her husband is just setting a precedent for husband. “Throw abusive tantrum, traumatize wife, wear her down, she’ll eventually get over it, now the cycle is good to go again.”

If this is what your wife does, poor woman. You better be praying every day she never snaps - years of suppressing deep hurt caused by trauma usually has a way of exploding one day.....and according to the news it’s usually in a murdery way.

The goal here is not to punish him for his issues but to try to get him help. Forgiving someone just means you let it go for the sake of fixing issues that are being worked on not bottling it up until it explodes. That’s where the counseling comes in that I suggested.

You imply she has taken away a right or privilege of his,. He has absolutely zero right to sex with her. And, if your argument is “well, they’re married,” I remind you that every single state recognizes marital rape now. Shockingly, women have the right to not want to have sex even within marriage.

This is nothing more than a girl on the third date who chooses not to fuck her date because she isn’t ready. That date has no right to her body.

OP’s husband destroyed her trust in him. She no longer feels safe enough to be her most vulnerable. That’s not on OP. If OP’s husband cheated we wouldn’t be encouraging her to forgive him and allow him back into her bed with no hesitations without serious work by the husband to restore trust. And we damn sure wouldn’t be expecting OP to forgive husband with no remorse shown by husband,

OP’s husband needs to earn forgiveness. He needs to work to restore trust. A good start would be therapy, but abuser’s usually don’t learn anything except new tactics in therapy.

It’s not my responsibility to tolerate abuse for the sake of misplaced loyalty. Verbal abuse is still abuse and the OP makes it clear in other responses his temper has escalated to the point of physical on occasion. Throwing things append intentionally trying to intimate your partner is physical abuse.

Just because this Asshole hasn’t beaten her black and blue doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive. She is scared of his reactions and walks on eggshells around him, he screams at her over his own perceived shortcomings, he throws things, gets in her face....this dude is abusive, he just hasn’t hit her yet.

Good to hear from someone who has worked on an anger issue and transformed his marriage. I wasn’t going to comment on this, but because of all the horrified comments on anger = imminent death, I wanted to support the notion of healing anger and moving forward together if she chooses.

Another option for you, where I’ve seen marriages on the brink of divorce be completely transformed is Landmark International. They do a 3.5 day forum. You and your husband will get a chance to look at what’s not working and co-create a partnership. I urge you to check it out.

every human is flawed. marriage is a commitment to a flawed person. every person has taken out their anger on someone else. it seems like people on this sub take what little information they’re given and come to their own conclusions. but this guy is a human like the rest of us. it’s not as simple as just leaving a spouse because they’re not perfect.

we don’t know if “giving in” to sex implies coercion, but i saw someone call him a rapist. he offered to come to therapy, but everyone is acting like he’s refusing. i’m seriously getting so sick of this sub and everyone’s shitty advice.

Everyone in relationships definitely hasn't screamed, threw things, beat on counters, and otherwise tried to physically intimidate their partners in a fight. I want you to know that is absolutely abnormal. I personally would dip out on any relationship with that sort of dysfunction (I have a decent length of dating history and have settled into happily marriage).

My dad did all of the above and life was 10000% better for everyone after the divorce. They should have done it s decade earlier.

I'm honestly glad that works for you. My husband and I definitely feel closer after a resolved argument too.

There area absolutely different levels of screaming and what OP had described is violent, intimidating, and one-sided. They don't scream at each other to release anger, she walks on egg shells and he explodes.

that’s fair, and you’re right, but my point is that this guy is a human and they haven’t even done therapy together yet. taking out anger on someone is wrong, but we all make mistakes and it seems like any damage done at this point may be reversible. we also don’t know his side and what goes through his mind. he absolutely needs to get help or an ultimatum, in my opinion.

All of the things that have been suggested are true and would help, can i ask do you participate in your getting an orgasm. I am not saying anything about your angry husband. He is wrong. But i know in my life i have been with women that took no part in helping, directing, or guiding. It is not a one car parade.

Even though what he did is 100% wrong and unacceptable, I can see where he is coming from. He’s probably as insecure as a lot of guys, and having plans for your SO on their big day not working out hits self esteem like a bus. He does need to go to therapy for his anger management. As for your relationship, try talking to him about this, and try being more “understanding”, basically go down to his mental level.

This is terrible advice. Don’t listen to a word of this. You do NOT sympathize with the person who screamed at you for not orgasming fast enough. Being insecure is not an excuse.

Do not go down to his mental level. Doing that just helps him guide you into the ‘well maybe I’m over reacting and I know he didn’t really mean it, he just has issues.’

You are not a Disney Princess. No amount of understanding, kindness or compromise will fix this person. They have to go put in the work. In therapy. And until they do that and prove they are committed to doing the only thing that will fix the issue? Nothing they say can be trusted or taken to heart. No apology will count until the work is put in.

Remember that words are free, they cost nothing and that’s why they’re so easy to give away.

Are you serious right now?
No, no, and a thousand times no.
Fuck this guy...or rather, don't fuck him, ever again.
He'd beyond abusive in all areas, and it will only get worse.
The OP needs to make some safety pans and get the hell out of there, as she could be in deep danger.
There is no talking with this guy. She should not have to "go down to his level". That is honestly the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. You're obviously another man, but know this - his behaviour is out of the ballpark abusive, manipulative and wrong. Don't defend this piece of shit. He doesn't deserve it. He's a violent rapist.
NEVER suggest to a woman to work it out with behaviour like this. It's dangerous. You should be ashamed at giving out such woeful and dangerous advice. It could get a woman killed.

Men are afraid women will make fun of them.
Women are afraid men will kill them.
Your bruised egos can't posdibly compare.
Sit down, son.

You’re married, which suggests a commitment to each other, as opposed to any other relationship where you can just walk away.

Anger issues can be fixed with therapy and time. Sit down with him and explain the situation and how you feel. Let him know you want to fix things. There must be some underlying issue that’s causing his outbursts.

Edit: downvoted for suggesting therapy to work on the issue, instead of throwing the marriage away?

Editing again: I’ve been in OPs situation. My wife had sever anger issues, to the point of physical abuse several times. We worked through it, got therapy, and she switched medications. It was like flipping a switch. She was a totally different person on her new medication. The past five years have been an amazing journey because I’ve rediscovered the woman I fell in love with. ❤️❤️❤️

I have..multiple times... The first few times were right in the middle of him yelling, which i now realize wasnt the right time. The last few times were during calm, casual, happy moments where i felt like an argument was far away. Sometimes he got mad at me for ruining a fun time by bringing it up, suggesting that i plan to make him mad. A few times he has said "i know, im sorry".

It’s not easy to have open communication when emotional issues are involved. If you don’t feel safe, leave.

If it’s something you think he can change...do what you can. Let him know exactly how you feel and think, and what the expectation is for the future. Let him know that you love him but you don’t love this behavior.

Again, I wish you nothing but the best. My experience was positive, but many others can be negative.

Not at first, and it wasn’t easy. It took almost four years. She’s BPD, and I guess that was always at the back of my mind. She loved me, her disease didn’t.

I’m not trying to say that people need to stay no matter what...it’s individual, I guess. Decide how much you want to put in and how long you want to try.

If OPs husband has an underlying issue, that can be fixed. In my mind, people are rarely incapable of changing for the better, but don’t assume that any one person has the power to change them by themself.

Idk if I’m making sense, it’s difficult to put into words without a couple of paragraphs.

Nope. Getting my masters in counseling with focus on dbt/cbt. Go research npd and get back to me. The emotional processing in the brain of someone with npd is biologically different from a neurotypical brain.

There is no healing it, there’s just dealing with it. The only way to deal with a narcissist is DON’T.

You're absolutely correct. My ex-husband has NPD. Took me forever and a year to realize it because hooboy are they masters at manipulation and making you believe that everything wrong in the relationship is somehow your fault.

The best thing I ever did for myself was run for the hills and get a divorce. There is no reasoning with someone who has NPD. And good luck getting them into therapy. They'll either refuse (hello narcissistic rage) because how could anything possibly be their fault? Or manipulate their way through the entire thing. Pointless.

Unfortunately, I think the average person without any sort of psychology background has a gross misunderstanding of what NPD looks like and how it presents.

I have a bachelors in psych with a focus on cbt, working on my masters in counseling and then will proceed from there. Have multiple clients with npd and had the joy of being in a long term relationship with a narcissist.

This sounds like my EX boyfriend. Except the sex part, he would withhold it from me for months, the longest 7 months. When I would ask him about it, he would say I was being a bitch. I said I couldn’t have been a bitch for 7 straight months. Anyway I left because he was so angry and would break stuff.and he once grazed my head with his foot when was blackout drunk, then after said I made it up when he was sober. The anger part was something I wouldn’t deal with and I was with him for 3 years. It took so long because I would make up excuses for his anger but it’s so much better living without the anger.

You do not have to have sex if you don’t want to.
Not with him. Not with anyone else. No matter what their position in your life you are not obligated or required to have sex with anyone.

Regarding the orgasm thing - some dudes really internalized that clerks rant about women and their orgasms. It’s the grossest, most irritating thing because guys like that won’t. fucking. stop. Until their partner climaxes. It’s often easier to fake it than to sit and be badgered by someone whose narcissism won’t allow them to leave you alone. (I don’t advocate this - it’s just a tactic i used to get my ex to leave me the fuck alone.)

Living afraid of your spouse isn’t normal, healthy, or positive.

Some people don’t like the immediate advocacy for divorce or breakup because they think relationships should
be worked on and through.

And I agree.

If we are talking about not abuse type stuff.

But in your case - dude shows no signs of interest in changing, and the escalation of violence is real. Very real and easily studied.

So all of that said - sis. Leave.

Not because of him. Because of YOU.

YOU deserve a partnership, a nontoxic home, a healthy and respectful and lusty sex life where your partner views you as a lover instead of a video game boss to beat.

You deserve a teammate in this ride (the only one you get) on this rock. You deserve someone who is ready to take on the world with you.

Leave because he’s an abusive dick, for sure. But more importantly - leave because you don’t want to be married to an abusive dick.