"Siberian President": a short story

I present to you: the greatest work of fiction ever created. A deeply moving piece that examines the most important political issues of our time as well as giving a thoughtful and sensitive portrait of the intricacies of sexuality.

...Okay, actually it's just a dumb story that sidesrobots and I wrote together.

Once upon a time, a giant Siberian tiger was elected president of the United States. His name was Lance Theodor III and he had grown up on a farm where they pressed lipstick for cheap wings. Asphodels grew from his urine (due to a still-mysterious medical anomaly), resulting in the farm being entirely overgrown. He was fine with this, in part because the sun taunted him in the morning and the plants acted as Secret Service bodyguards. However, the owner of the farm, his father, Batman, was not okay with the situation, and threw Theodor out the farm at the tender age of 53. This was a delicate time for Theodor, as he thought to himself, "How will I learn to eat KFC, now?" Being able to eat KFC was one of his greatest concerns; finally he set out to find a sage, who had a day job bleaching rich men's underwear, to find the answer.

As he reached the crazed sage's super-imposed laundry mat (located at the hippocampus of his own brain) it occurred to him that invisible ink was not really invisible. Instead, it was made to appear so by an evil count who used it to confuse the minds of impressionable patriarchs; however, just as Theodor was coming to grips with this, an unearthly voice intoned, "Visit my Craigslist page immediately, Grasshopper, for your own happy ending." At this moment Theodor Tiger's erection became even harder to ignore as he decided with even more resolve than usual that he was going to get to the laundry mat across the street NO MATTER WHO TRIED TO STOP HIM!! Once at the laundry mat, he found a note left in a shoe, which informed him that the only way he could achieve the sexual release he so desperately desired was to run for president.

"Oh!" Theodor Tiger O'Reilly Auto-parts Store Engine Afficianado Eugine Dolphis Radar Machine cried in realization. So he set out to become president, running as the official candidate of the Capitalist-Communist Eurasian Party, with one Ms. Tegan Jovanka as his running mate.

Now, SHE was a woman in charge, and she had the dexterity and posterity of any of the finer-living walruses on board. However, they still had to contend with the fearsome Democrat, Nicholas Flamel, better known for his work on alchemy (the Republicans were not putting forth a candidate that year, due to an unprecedented series of tentacle porn-related accidents and deaths). The Republicans instead were campaigning to let "Maybelline-on-ice" be the Dictator of American Sexuality, and were deciding what stickers to put on their poster boards for school-president-in-sixth-grade at the ice cream shop next door. Many people had concerns about "Maybelline-on-ice", who held unorthodox views about the true nature of Harry and Dumbledore's relationship (believing it to essentially revolve around a fetish for dressing up like Professor Snape)--- but the Republicans were determined.

Indeed they were, for the Republicans as a collective were obsessed with anything that volunteered even the briefest mention of Harry Potter. For instance, they had once sponsored 2.6 x 1080 school field trips to Italy in the mistaken belief that Harry Potter's hideous ghost had blackmailed Hermione into becoming a leading figure in the Sicilian mafia. ...It was true, but it took quite a leap of faith (and some seriously advanced engineering) to bring it into existence... which basically means that the Republicans created the rumor, then created robots and everything to play out this insane fantasy, didn't record any of their behind-the-scenes-creation process, and had someone with really shaky hands record the event and submit it to a local news station. At the current moment, however, the Republicans were still mostly housebound, able to eat only pasteurized ramen after being brutally assaulted by 10,000 hungry and lascivious tentacles, and so Theodor and Tegan Jovanka were left to face Nicholas Flamel alone.

The team of average Americans, Tegan and Mr. Tiger Thermopolis Dungarees Painting Surewear, set out to become lascivious entrepreneurs of fishing tackle. It was decided that the tiger was to have a national debate with Nicholas Flamel (to be broadcast every Saturday morning in the time slot formerly occupied by Yu-Gi-Oh!)--- and the topic was indeed to be fishing tackle, which had recently become a matter of utmost importance for this most vegetarian of nations. Even more so, with the increased sexual interest in fishing tackle, the Republicans were having a harder time dealing with their separate, and yet still entirely valid sexual preferences regarding Harry Potter fandom, as it just wasn't nearly as exciting to fetishize it without being chastised. Therefore, the debate was the event of the century, and as he stepped up to his podium, Theodor felt the need to utter his favorite battle cry: "It's time to duel!" At this, Nicholas Flamel appeared in deep red flannel pajama pants and announced that he was seriously considering changing his name to Nicholas Flannel. And thus, the debate began, and a team of ninja warriors read of the first question: "If the entire country found itself marooned in a giant hurricane, would you find yourself attracted to that hurricane?" At this, the Republicans shoveled in more ice cream than they had ever eaten in their lives, and turned away from the TV set in fear as Theodorable Tiger Witness-of-Fitness Brotection Brogram Stewart Stalwart answered confidently, "Of course I would, Bill." The debate lasted for 2/500 of the entire lifespan of the Universe, and would have lasted longer had it not ended abruptly in the following comedic manner.

...As the snake of kundalini uncoiled herself from the Wheel of Fortune, everyone in the audience became beveled furniture and crunched wildly in delight as the first of many robots broke on the stage of the debate releasing its debut album, "I used to be a human, and then I sold my body, stole my soul and put glitter on my steel ass," which just hit number 26 on the BOT charts. During the commotion, Dumbledore himself appeared and flew into a white-hot rage at Nicholas Flamel, whom he wrongfully believed to be the one responsible for all of the bizarre allegations about himself and Harry (for Dumbledore had never heard of the Republicans, and when later interviewed said that he thought they were a type of Disney Princess), and turned him into a crystal radio a child had built as a science fair project. Then, Dumbledore's batteries died. But the damage was done, and the Navy Seals (under Capt. Sejanus) engineered a coup and declared Theodor president.