I Wish I Had Known Her Before I Got Engaged

Hi, I'm Ali, 26. I am now currently in an eight-year relationship. I met my girlfriend Nika at school when we were in college. I am one year ahead of her. Everything was smooth, our families agree with each other, we have their blessings, and we have lots of friends in common. I know everything about her and she knows me–my strengths and weaknesses, everything. I proposed to her during our fifth year anniversary.

Yes we're engaged up to this moment. I thought it was the next step. I was thinking, I was her first boyfriend and she's my first as well. It doesn’t happen a lot. I’m kind of proud that we were able to keep each other this long. Our kids will be proud of us. We were an "okay" couple. You know, proud good boy and good girl.

As the years passed by, I understand that the kilig part was not that intense anymore. Aside from the fact that we do not have a lot of things in common, we were content just knowing we have each other around. She loves books, I love adventure. I love experiencing nature, which she doesn’t like a lot. In fact, in our eight years of being together, we haven’t gone to many places yet.

She's busy, I'm busy, and we rarely see each other–maybe once a month? Sometimes I think na we got used to each other so much to point that we don’t find each other's company exciting anymore.

How do I know? The thing is, ayoko sayangin ang years na na-invest namin sa isa't-isa. Our families are like one big family already. She's a nice girl and alam kong di niya ako sasaktan. And never pa ako nag-cheat din sa kanya. We never had a third party issue ever since. Many people told us we were boring but we never cared. We’re good where we are. Madami na kami napagdaanan and I’m thankful kasi walang bumitaw sa aming dalawa. So came April last year. I met this girl from Davao. Her name is Emma. I was there for a three-month project sa work. We were introduced by my workmate na nakasama niya din sa isang project before. It was a lunch meeting, we were five. Me and my foreman, Emma and her two officemates.

When I first saw her, parang slow motion lahat. Nasabi ko sa sarili ko "aba, ganda nito ah.". The way she talks, she's very articulate. Her smile, her eyes. Wala ako masyado maalala sa pinag-meetingan namin. I just studied her face and the way she deals with her people. Sobrang gaan lang then I told myself, sarap naman kasama nito. After our meeting, I asked my workmate for her number. Di niya binigay, so I personally asked it from her. I told her I need it just in case I have questions.

I texted her right away when I got back sa apartment. She replied naman. And to make the story short, we got close.

We chat the whole day every day. We've had a couple of dinners and coffee together. Pinasaya niya ko sobra. I admire her strong personality, her faith in God and her being a career woman. She’s the cutest girl I’ve ever met and I’ve never admired a girl like this before her. She’s the co-owner of the printing press, which happened to be our supplier.

She’s single and has never dated for two years after her ex-boyfriend got her best friend pregnant, while they were still in a relationship. I can see that she's too guarded with her heart.

We got along well and never in my life did I imagine myself cheating on my fiancé. Everything just feels right with her–maybe because we share the same faith, which I didn’t have with my fiancé. She doesn’t believe in going to church no matter how I encouraged her, which I accepted later on.One night while we were texting, she asked me if I had plans of pursuing her. I wasn’t able to answer.

The next day, I told her I wanted to go to church with her. After the service, we had lunch and I told her about my fiancé. It was the first time I saw her cry and it felt horrible. She even said "sabi ko na nga ba." So she decided to end what we had.

We still communicated, but we did not hang out anymore until nakaalis ako. I got broken to pieces when she blocked me on her Viber after she sent me a message telling me na she thinks she’s falling for me and knowing that I have a fiancé doesn’t sound right. "US" has to stop. I agree with her.

She’s so right and I admire her even more when she called me at the airport to pray together for my safety and for our hearts' healing. We promised to never contact each other until we've finally moved on.

She didn't contact me again for the next four days. I was so miserable. I tried calling her, sending her emails–but there was no answer.

For three months na nasa Davao kami, araw-araw kami nag-tatawagan and nagtetext if di kami magkasama. She has become a part of my system already.

Her smell, her hands, her smile, her being so sweet and caring–everything.

I never imagined I could be that happy. I realized I have been missing life a lot. On the fifth day, I got admitted to the hospital due to over fatigue. I was restless; I had the flu and could barely move due to migraine. I missed her a lot.

On my first day sa hospital, I tried contacting her on Skype.

Good thing she didn’t block me there. I told her, I missed her badly and I’m in the hospital right now.

After three hours, she replied–nasa ospital din siya. Asthma attack triggered by stress. Like me, hindi din siya makakain. Then I realized, we love each other already. After my mom died two years ago, it was the first time I cried again. Yes it's cheesy, even I, myself, was shocked.

She just affected me so much. Maybe I was vulnerable because I never had that kind of relationship with my fiancé where I can just be myself. Before we decided to rest, I called her on Skype. Suddenly, I told her I love her, she was speechless and teary-eyed she said, "I know and I love you, too." It was one of the magical minutes of my life. (I told you, my life is boring. Things like these are really something to me.)

From then on, we concluded that the sudden cut of communication will do us no good so we continued our communication. 24/7. For a couple of months, nawala sa picture ang girlfriend ko.

I know I’m being unfair but honestly, that time I didn’t feel a major change in our relationship since we don’t really communicate a lot. Maybe an exchange of five messages a day is already enough. Parang all these years nasanay na kaming dalawa na as long as we don’t have a problem, we're okay.

My world now revolves around Emma. And as the sigurista guy that I am, I think if single lang ako, pinakasalan ko na siya kahit four months pa lang kami magkakilala.

No kidding. I love all her flaws. She’s my number one fan and I am hers. I was inspired to do well at work when I had Emma. I got closer to God and I learned to see the goodness in everything.

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She’s malambing and understanding. She’s a bit clingy, but I love it. We look after each other's welfare. I am not normally a sweet guy, but with her, I was all out. I can’t remember how many cards and food gifts I have sent her while I was in Manila. I give her surprise visits every two weeks kahit balikan lang kasi parang nagiging monster na kami sa sobrang miss ang isat-isa. I imagined myself growing old with her. Still making love at age 50. Having dinner dates, holding each other’s hands till we're old and with Alzheimer’s. She was my gem baby. I have proven that being in a long-term relationship doesn’t guarantee strength or happiness. It’s the quality time that you spend with each other that makes every day remarkable.

All in all, the seven months we had was the happiest time of my life. Every time I visit her, the feeling na naghihintay siya sa airport is heavenly. We had seven out-of-town vacations and one was out of the country. We were doing perfect. Although meron kaming down days especially if naiisip niya na I am still committed to my fiancé.

Yes, I never broke up with my girlfriend even if sobrang mahal ko na si Emma. I can’t afford to hurt someone na nakasama ko for eight years. I feel a combination of pity and fear every time I think of telling her about Emma. Fear na baka magkamali ako ng decision. Pity because I know she needs me in her life.

I’m an asshole I know.

I never felt this high and in love. The feeling is just too good to stop. I wish I had known Emma a lot earlier.

I tell Emma everything because she made me promise to be honest even if it will hurt her. I tell her every time magkikita kami ng girlfriend ko like birthdays, family occasions, holidays lahat yun alam nya.

Sobrang sama ng tingin ko sa sarili ko. Alam ko everytime na sinasabihan ko siya, she gets broken. But she never yells at me. She tried many times na lumayo but never nagtagal ng more than one day kasi sobrang hirap for the two of us to even miss a morning without talking and I know it was more difficult for her.

Last December 15, my fiancé had a fight with her mom so she decided to stay in our house at the moment. At first, I didn’t know how to react if papayag ba ako or hindi but my dad said yes so wala na din ako nagawa. As I was talking to my fiancé, I felt my heart bleed.

Ever since naging kami, I became her strength. She is a troubled soul. She has trust issues and low self-esteem due to a bad childhood. I got attracted to her before because she's helpless and I thought I could fix her.

We've been together for eight years. We have been with each other through our ups and downs. We may not have that exciting relationship but we were each other's comfort. I did not tell Emma about my fiancé staying at our house. I didn’t even contact her for two days because I didn’t want to lie.

I was not okay. I was struggling and I needed space and time to think.

Christmas and New Year came and still I did not contact Emma. It was hard for me to start rejecting her calls and deleting her messages. She asked me if I were leaving her already, asked me what was happening, and that she was worried and hurt. Every day, it became hard for me to contact her.

What's certain in my mind was I cannot leave my fiancé. I am the only life she has and breaking up with her will kill her.

On January 2, I finally sent Emma a text. It was 2:00 a.m. I told her I’m letting her go because I cannot afford to hurt her more. I asked sorry dahil ginulo ko ang masaya niyang buhay.

It was the hardest thing to do. I never wanted to let her go. I promised her I wouldn't. That she will always have me. It dawned on me that I’m letting go of someone who just showed me the happier side of life. She was mine for seven months. What I had for her was real. It was love. I got one long reply from her that morning. Saying I was a jerk and I was a man of no heart for suddenly leaving her. That I shouldn’t have contacted her back when she decided to stop our communication. That I was unfair and coward and I am just like all the guys who hurt her. That I just played with her heart and all I did was just a part of the game. I wanted to explain to her but I stopped myself. I wanted her to hate me, so she has enough reason to forget me. I did not expect our love story will end too soon, this terrible way.

It’s been 11 days today without her. I feel lifeless. My fiancé keeps asking me what’s wrong with me. She doesn't not know anything. She doesn't know I chose her. She doesn't know that I have fallen in love with another girl.

I'm not sure if I have done the right decision of leaving Emma just like that. I know it was the right thing to do but it just feels wrong.

I don’t know if I’ll ever see colors in my life again. If I’ll be able to laugh hard and be inspired again. I lost her and every day I regret that I break her heart. It was the last thing I wanted to do.

I miss her so much it doesn’t stop hurting. I miss her love. And I pray she gets better. How I wish I’m much braver and a bit selfish. And if I have one more prayer, I pray that if we were meant to be, God will give us a chance to make things right and start all over again no matter what it takes.

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