Early Thursday

Thursday early again for Waldorf, ouch! Thursday Early might as well be Tuesday it comes equipped with pillow and sleeping bag for when you fall asleep. Anyone see Nut Sauce’s video of Buck’s 300 (props to Buck!)? Some hack, probably Herk, chest bumped him, then there was a small golf clap going around, then right back to business on the lanes. Some ass-hat posted that there was great energy, yeah for a fucking funeral. Jesus H. Christ they change the pattern for Fake Thursday or something some insane scores being thrown down. Guess that’s what happens when you don’t party. Not Waldorf I’m here to get looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooose!

Early (Fake Late):

Gaucabowle (2-3) -15 vs Five Finger Discount for an Automatic Win (0-5): Nietzsche said, “That which does not kill us, makes us strong.” Well 5 Finger Easy Win better hope so because they have been getting killed all season. The Coco and Natro defection literally killed these guys. I guess what goes around comes around after they unceremoniously canned long-time franchise the Lovernauts they now find themselves the doormat of Thursday A on their way to a winless season and a spot in Tuesday or Thursday B next year. Fortunately, 5 Finger has a fun ass group that loves to party because it is the only thing that will get these cats to the end of the season. Breaking News: Dutch has declared for free agency for BoPo 2019, BoPo Skinny quoted Dutch as saying, “When the boat starts to sink, you have to get the fuck off, unless you want to drown!” Well said Dutch. Guac loaded up adding Badger to a team that already had 4 dudes. Sparetime is having a renaissance season, but it hasn’t translated into wins. However, they will get to .500 after this one. Speaking of the Renaissance Protagoras said that “Man is the measure of all things.” Fucking sexist pig. Speaking of a sexist check Dutch out. looks like after his 6th loss dude has the blues on and off the lanes:

Young and Bowled 2 (5-0) -15 versus Spare of the Dong (0-3): “How are you going to keep them down on the farm when they’ve seen Karl Hungus?” #SlowRoll. Wow, Spare of the Dong’s return to Thursday has gone about as well as you’d expect for two awesome ladies that don’t want to be rolling and 3 assholes. Yao is a good guy, can’t lump him in with the three-blind drunk pissed cocked mice. Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot, looks like Waldorf needs to start standing on the toilet more often. You gotta roll roll roll you gotta thrill my soul all right! Well, Thursday Night Bully, YB2 is loaded expect for ITZ and they will be looking to punish another Thursday Night A doormat. Glossy went nuclear last week 268/278 and literally said, “This pattern is easy AF!” Just say “as fuck” you hipster doofus hammerhead. Also stop taking pictures of your dinner and putting it on Facebook, literally no one fucking cares! It also just gives the ex more fire to shit on you when Thunder blows you up in the comments. Jewdy leads this shit parade at 159. Fortunately, they stick to one of Waldorf’s mottos and for that we thank them:

That’s right Waldorf is a Sagittarius the most philosophical of all the sings.

Match of Fake Late:

BUI (3-1) -1 versus Guacabowle (2-3): Jim Morrison once said, “I gotta go out in that car and get fucked up!”, well Waldorf calls shotgun! This will be a tight little match for the early rounds. Guac must decide who to bench from the guys for the match and let me suggest Dick Whitman he might not be the worst bowler in the league but the guy sucks. Nice 171.9 right now, that’s under 170 by 8 p.m. tomorrow night if he rolls. BUI had a great comeback down 7-3 to GOB last Friday Night Lights to take all 5 and give the big middle finger to Invisible Hand Job and crew. Waldorf could use an invisible hand job right now, preferably not from Invisible Hand though, but Jesus gotta take what you can get these days. In the end BUI’s mid-level deep overcomes Gauc’s top heaviness and then G Unit stands up on a chair (which will probably break) and yells:

Bowlderdash (2-2) -10 versus Bowlhemian Missed-Strike City (0-3): The crew at BSC must be brand new to the game because they literally have the lowest team average I have ever seen. I love it! Coming out enjoying the vibe and aiming gutter, that was the birth of Bowl Portland. Bowlderdash has Biggie B rocking a 70 average through 3 games. Must have been a friend that has never bowled pickup or Spooky from TDYOB in disguise.

Boys squad should do enough to move to 3-2 in this one. Confucius says, “Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.” BSC is applying this to bowling. BSC is testing the issue of artistic freedom:

FC Portland (3-1) -5 versus Granola (0-4): The rudderless SS Colucci Kid remains winless as they head into battle with party favorite FC Portland. Oolie and crew are off to a good start as they try to contend for a B title. Kid Loose and crew, as Statler pointed out, are just trying to get a few hours away from the kids have a few drinks, a few laughs and maybe knock down a few pins. That’s a big maybe, let Waldorf hit everyone with a PSA: BUY A FUCKING BALL!!!!!! Your scores will improve. Master Splinturd has a shop right next to the entrance. Everyone that doesn’t have a ball drilled to their hand do yourself a favor start a GoFundMe page and get it done. You will have more fun, knock down more pins and won’t be betting on luck every time you walk in the door. Confucius says, “We have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one.” Tonight, Granola’s first life ends. Now for Jim’s take on nudity:

Come on Jim you whipped it out because you didn’t have what it takes to do a full show. Don’t take a shit on top of my filet mignon and call it chocolate covered reduction dude.

Pinny Candy (2-1) -1 versus Pin Ups (4-1): Pin Ups are off to a hot start but from the Book looks like they are without Lil Lane Master who is on vacation and forgot her phone. #thatswhytheycallitdope. Pinny Candy is coming off a nice Friday Night win were they savagely beat down Roll Another. Pay Day, Twizzler and Tootsie should be able to power their crew in a close one over MacBalls and crew. MacBalls, I freaking love that name, and that bowler. #shoutouttoMommybowlers! Confucius says, “Worry not that no one knows you; seek to be worth knowing.”

UREA! (4-0) -3 versus Roll Another (2-2): Confucius says, “Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.” This explains UREA!’s 4-0 record. C Murda! And crew are handing out smack downs on the reg as they cruise through their inaugural B season. Roll Another is coming off a tough loss Friday night and the former B champs are seriously pissed, here is Bones and Uncle Buck after the loss:

Well I think that wraps up the early lines. Waldorf will try to do better next time. Also, the Fake Comish says outside of TDYOB the party index hasn’t been markedly higher on Fake Thursday versus Thursday. Noted party machine Cracker Jack is trying to get that turnt up tonight! Let’s join him!