I get it; you had to create offspring. That’s cool. You wanted to do the parent thing and felt you were pretty well-suited for the job. Let me tell you what you aren’t good at: taking your wee one to the evening opening of the latest and greatest movie. Guess what? Your 3-year old child has no interest in this screening unless you happened to take them to a Disney flick, and even then, they probably don’t have the capacity to sit through the whole movie.

Sassiquette Lesson #279: Next time you want to take your baby to a movie, punch yourself in your junk to eliminate any future baby making and don’t take your baby to the movie.

Parents, let me give you a tip: Your young child does not belong at the movies unless they can sit quietly throughout the movie and not ask questions every few minutes. Plus, they must have the capability to not kick my seat; frankly, that’s an ability a person of any age ought to learn! You know what kids should be doing at the 9pm showing of a film I want to see? Sleep!

I’m sure your baby is cute and cuddly, but chances are they lack both of those qualities during movie time. I promise that I will turn in the next parent that brings their crying child to see a movie, which I am part of the audience. Your baby does not care about the plot, acting quality, editing, lighting, scoring, costuming, etc., and I DO care about those things. Plus, I enjoy being able to focus on hearing the movie, and not your colicky child. Do everyone and more so the fruit of your loins a favor: Don’t take them to the movies. Instead: Take care of them, hold them, feed them, change them all the while watching Netflix.