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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Screw that cleaning I'm blogging this morning!

Well. It’s about time I wrote another post; I’m sure you must all think I’m a lazy good for nothing housewife who sits nibbling chocolate chip cookies all day. Now I won’t deny there’s a slight degree of accuracy in that statement…but I’d just like to point out they’re lovely miniature chocolate chip cookies which are sooo tasty and because they are so tiny I get to eat twice as many! Hurray!

Anyway I’m just going to waffle and we’ll see what happens which is pretty much like when I cook; at first when I crack those eggs I dream of lovely pert yolks and handing Mr T his fried Sunday breakfast with the eggs beautifully placed aside a lovely piece of finely charred bacon. But alas they always seem to end up scrambled. I’m not sure why although I’m still not certain about the difference between spatulas and whisks. I quite like poached eggs myself but the last time I tried that the farmer got really, really cross.

However, I suppose I could pop down to Mrs A’s house to find out about spatulas and such like. Now Mrs A, who has commented many a time on my site, is in the unfortunate position of living down the round from me. In fact her dry, acerbic wit frequently pulls me out of my deep depressions which happen when I’m contemplating my future life alongside those lovely aluminium saucepans. Indeed a few weeks back I tripped down there (there was a crack in the pavement) to moan about Mr T making me stack the pans in descending order of size.

“What’s the use in that?” I cried “I only have to get them out again tomorrow and nobody sees them!”

“What are you blubbing about,” replied Mrs A, “I have to hang my kitchen tools on exactly the right peg or Mr A goes up the wall. He is so finicky and particular! And the dratted things have to be colour coded as well!”

Well, you can imagine my sheer and utter…. Delight! Mr A is as bad as Mr T! Well, that’s a very, very, very satisfying situation. It’s extrememy therapeutic knowing that there are woman like me not just down my street but probably all the world over being harassed by their psychotic husbands!

Now I’d like you to read this link below (if I can I’ll link it but if not you’ll have to cut and paste it). Now this link was sent to me by the knowledgeable Mrs A who was obviously trying to stir me up into some sort of vitriolic, abusive tirade and I might add she has succeeded……

Yeah, yeah, yeah; it’s entirely obvious to me that this is another male ploy to try and convince us women that staying at home and attending to all the cleaning, cooking and ironing is a valuable job.

To which I say;

WHAT A LOAD OF ABSOLUTE UTTER, RIDUCULIOUS TOSH!!!!1

Yeah, if cleaning improves mental health how come I’m stark raving bonkers?? Point proved… without having to waste thousands of pounds on ludicrous research at the taxpayer’s expense. In fact why do they keep doing all these daft surveys to tell us what invariably we already know? You know ones like; “Short Fat, Women Who Eat Too Much Chocolate Die Younger.” I want to be told something I don’t already know; for instance like “Short, Fat Women Are Better in Bed than Skinny Women Because They Have Better Reserves of Energy.” Now that would be an investigation I would be interested in knowing the result. (And moreover, I would be happy to offer my services, provided of course it is tastefully done. (i.e. Pierce Brosnan is among the male sample group.)

Now on another matter; at last, I have a new cooker! Yep, Mr T finally made his decision and after having duly irritated, harassed and persecuted retailers all over the land the new cooker has been fitted. (The suicide rate has, unfortunately, dramatically risen in the UK recently.)

And guess what? I can actually see through the cooker's glass window. Remarkable. Now I can actually watch the food burn instead of having it sprung on me when I open the door. I feel this will work wonders for my mental health; I do so hate being taken by surprise. (Unless it’s by Mr Brosnan; where I would be happy to omit foreplay.)

So the Turley Pizza surprise is no more and it’s back to the usual dismal offerings. Now I know I do say the occasional caustic remarks about the charming Mr T but as I am sure you are all aware he is indeed a lovely man (although a little too house-proud for my liking) and to this extent he very honourably decided to christen the cooker by cooking Sunday Lunch for The Turley Tribe. Alas, all did not go well - for the new cooker seems to be much hotter than the last and the roast beef was somewhat “hard”. Mind you it proved very useful for my shot-put lessons this morning. (Oh by the way, did I tell you that I’m hoping to compete in the 2012 Olympics as England’s champion Shot Put thrower? I’m in heavy training already.) And as for the Yorkshire puddings – they were “crispy”. However, we did have a good game of Frisbee later in the garden.

Now I’ve had a very busy day so far, scribing, scheduling tennis matches, sampling a nice array of cookies and toffees and corresponding with the lovely young Master Sy of The Wheel is Turning But the Hamster is Dead fame.( http://www.wheelturninghamsterdead.com/)Now if you haven’t checked out the Young Master yet then I suggest you do. Put it this way; he often tickles my fancy and if you fancy yours being tickled I suggest you pop over for a feather duster or two. Now Master Sy has told me that I have won his competition and duly won a tee shirt of the lovely hamster and soon it will be winging its way by harrier jump jet (or possibly an old bike) from the depths of some mouldy old haversack where he keeps his old vests and pants to the Mrs T’s infamous abode. Where I will first wash it, shrink it and place it upon my heaving bosom for photo opportunities. Master Sy says I must post a picture, which I have agreed to, although this time I’ll try and remember to airbrush some of the wrinkles (and fat) out.

Anyway, I kinda feel a little mean because my answer to Master Sy’s competition was so brilliant (What would you do to win his tee-shirt?) that after my entrance it all went quiet. Oops. I’m not saying I was enthuasstic about winning but I did leave several bodies in my wake and I even forgot to eat my chocolate (for half an hour). So I think it’s only fair that I have my own competition in order that Master Sy has the opportunity to win something back. Now I’ve thought, really, really, hard about this… about as hard as I do when I’m cooking…. And I’ve come up with this…

I will give 3 prizes for the three people who come up with the best time saving ideas to reduce the amount of time I spend labouring in my kitchen and cleaning my house.

Now these can be tried and tested labour saving devices but I’m happy to receive new ideas (whereby I will claim them as my own and patent them so becoming enormously rich and able to afford my own housekeeper.)In order to encourage you to enter this fabulous, once in a lifetime competition I have some absolutely astounding prizes which are, in ascending order;

3rd place. A wonderful and fantastic array of dishcloths.

2nd place. A wonderful and fantastic array of dishcloths AND a high quality plastic scrubbing brush.

Now I’m expecting ALL you ladies to come up with at least one good idea and I’ll be awarding prizes on merit. I will positively welcome contributions from my gentlemen readers too, especially Young Master Sy because I know deep, deep down in those male genes you would rather us ladies would be doing something a little bit more interesting.

Know what I mean?

So let’s hear the best you’ve got and make ‘em good; I need a distraction from cleaning.

31 comments:

Pay your kids to clean for you, thus making it quicker as kids will always do it quicker. And then, tell them that the money you give them would best be put to use by buying you more cookies. That way they will see their Mum very happy.

So you get cookies and a clean house and do not do any work! What could possibly go wrong, apart from a lot?

1. Its not you at fault - its those damned eggs , the spatula and the frying pan .2. Its easier to make scrambled eggs so why bother with poached eggs ( ahem- you used the word first not I )3.The man ( and its normally men who are responsible for such absolutely asinine works ) who said Cleaning improves mental health has a wife like you and me who'd rather blog than clean4. Im not going to bother with suggestions because it would cost you a bomb to mail me the box of chocolates and also because you'll ultimately end up doing the work despite good sage advice from all us ladies so carry on Madame Turley !

OK. The whisk is the thing that hangs on the 6th hook along starting at the cooker end. The spatula that looks like a fish slice is on the first hook and the spatula that is made of rubbery type stuff and which scrapes things out of bowls is in the drawer under the microwave.

My tip for spending less time working in the kitchen and cleaning the house :

Mrs T, so glad you have not run off with the dreadful PB (have you seen Matador?). As for the contest I humbly refer you to my own post on housewifery for my best recommendations for time savings on cleaning. Or you can simply greet Mr. T at the door in practically nothing with the lights off and candles glowing and he will never notice that you haven't cleaned at all.

New cooker...I always see that and think you actually got someone to come in and cook for you...we call that a stove and a cooker is a person --- well actually a cook is a person , I think a cooker is actually a mentally unbalance cook.

I am so glad you posted... just the tonic I needed as your posts always seem to result in my tongue firmly planted in the cheek of my mouth (see I thought ahead of you there..you naughty people) which of course means I cannot get any sweet treats into it.

grins and hugs

Oh, and I absolutely agree with eve'slungs. She is so wise. I adore her.

I'd take a step further than Mr. Sy. I wouldn't pay your kids - I would enslave them. Why pay your offspring when you can simply discipline them to do all your work? =P

But yes, I believe outsourcing is key. Find someone willing to clean for a low wage. Or perhaps you can find other incentives to clean for you - like giving them something you don't want to own anymore. lol

Last but not least, to do things quicker, exercising helps. It gets you more energetic, sexier, and manual labor becomes easier and more efficient. I'm sure Mr. Turley would love that. Oh, and you can reward yourself with more chocolates if the work outs are paying off.

Sy, Sy, Sy, there is no hope for you if you think kids wants to make their parents happy! Don't you know as soon as they're born they see at their duty to ruin your once blissful life forever; no more Sundays in bed reading the paper, late night drinking sessions just work, work, work (and in my case an addiction to sherry.)

Now I suppose little girls might be a little willing to clean but boys... NO WAY. They charge me for everything.. Yep Master Benedict charges me 50p everytime he successfully wipes his own botty, a pack of Match Attacks for a win at tennis and a fiver for a goal!

Humph it's no wonder I'm always skint. Nope Master Sy, you'll have to come up with something better than that!

Eve's lungs..OOo I love the word "asinine" !! In fact I'm going to use it more often; thank you for reminding me it exists!

Now I'm going to tell you a true story about scrambled eggs Eve; when I was at college I lived with some girls who had not been very brought up very practically. I,on the otherhand, was brought up to be very practical and know the meaning of the word "frugal". Anyhow, it was two of the girls' turn to make tea and they made scrambled eggs... with mushrooms. Ha, ha, ha! You can imagine the colour...like stewed brains! Oh yes, and I once caught one of them peeling a cabbage..... Oh Lord those were the days!

Have you ever tried sending the kids to bed with their school uniform on???! I haven't but I've often been tempted. The only thing that stops me is the thought that the teacher might notice and then I would be taken even less seriously than I already am ....

Here's a depressing thought: you might already be employing every time-saving tip known to mothers. Like those articles I keep reading in the papers about 'how to save money'. They start off with stupid things like 'don't buy designer shoes'. One despairs. Time to go and lie down in a darkened room (again!)

Ah Onedia, how are you? Well,I hope. Did you see that outrageous comment from Mrs A? Oo I shall have to punish her severely. Although... on second thoughts she does make exceedingly good speciality chocolates and maybe annoying her would be like shooting myself in the foot....

I haven't seem Matador. Is it good? Is Pierce particularly handsome in one of those dashing capes or does he get gored in the first scene and take 2 hours to die? Oh, I shall have to watch it just to find out.

Now I'm rather liking your suggestion of greeting Mr T at the door starkers and trying the distraction technique. Only problem is those dratted kids..they're always around. Hmm, I think we'll have to stick to bedroom!

You know I think "stove" is a much better word. "Cooker" does really sound kind of odd doesn't it?

Ah yes, I seem to remember you had some particularly useful recommendations I shall have to pop over and refresh my memory. Some sage advice is always useful.

Regarding the distraction technique... maybe not at the front door...but you know O it's worked pretty well so far....!!!

Not you too Mewie! First Mrs A says I need to work faster and now you! LOOK I WANT SYMPATHY,not to be told I'm too slow. Humph.

However, you've sold it too me in a much nicer fashion than Mrs A. I could do with loosing a few pounds (well make that stones) and being a little sexier. Cripes, it would be lovely to fit in a gym skirt again!I'm sure that would get Mr T's pecker up. Mind you it might never come down then and that could pose a real problem when it comes to zipping his trousers up.

Hmm... I'm sensing a theme here... now here I was expecting some fantastic deluxe dishcloth that also doubles as a toliet wipe and I'm getting the idea that i should just try and seduce Mr T into just ignoring my disastrous attempts at housewifery.

Ok, well whilst I'm waiting for some more suggestions I give it a try.

Do you think Mr T can tell in the dark that the "gymslip" is really a tablecloth?

Mrs B (FFM) (if I may be so bold).. Why sending the children to bed in their school clothes is an excellent idea! How come I've never thought of that before??? After all, I frequently go to bed in my own clothes just to make life easier in the mornings. (Although I have to say it is a tad bit embarrassing being followed by the neighbourhood cats on the way to schhol.) But you know us ladies must make sacrifices in order to get those kids to school on time.

I wonder if I made a week's supply of pack lunches on a Monday they would notice the mould on a Friday? What do you think?

School dinners? yes, I know I a particularly cruel mother Mrs A but inflict school dinners on my children? Do you think so low of me? Now to be fair to Master Benedict's school they run their own canteen and even make their own chicken nuggets but generally they're made at a cost 35p isn't it? No, no, even if those boys persecute me I won't inflict that lumpy mashed potato and semolina on them, why my conscience would never be clear!

Now I'm looking for some revolutionary time saving devices.. where are they? Hmm perhaps poor Mrs T will have to think on that herself....

Well keep out the mushrooms dear - they look awful when cooked . Just the eggs and a dollop of butter would do .And dont forget the cream. Oh I can see the amorous glint in Nigella Lawson's eyes at the mere mention of butter and cream :)

Well, for starters how about going Asian style and no more shoes in the house?!

This can HELP in LESS dirt and rubbish being dragged in on your floors!(although if they start going around in white socks this could give the illusion that the floors might NOT be as clean as they LOOK by the bottoms of their feet...tell them they have to wear gray socks in the house or slippers....that should do the trick)

Also a very good AIR PURIFIER turned on 24 hours a day to help with LESS DUST all over your house to wipe off! I noticed a HUGE difference when mine broke!

My BF is a BIG FAN of paper plates and disposable utencils...I find this appalling but he SWEARS by the time and ease factor of it...and calls me a tree hugger for not wanting to fill the landfills with this stuff!

Oh! I have seen those crazy machines that run on their own that vacuum the floors! Like on the Sharper Image web site!

Let's see,another person told me the wife would cook on the weekend food that they would eat for the entire week...I have NO IDEA what it was but he said it was THE SAME thing for the entire week! I thought that was dreadful...but it saved time and money.THEY ARE DIVORCED now so maybe this one isn't a good one after all.

*sigh*

I haven't thought of anything cleaver though...I am TRYING!The bottom line is this, I am a product of the Asian Child Labor Community and my sister and I did a majority of the chores around the house (no allowance) not like the kids of today...I'm telling you, everyone is right, make those kids do some of the chores!THAT'S THE EASIEST and FASTEST way to get some of your housework done and for FREE!...not saying it will be done well, but if you tell them you'll take away XBOX time or something I bet they will do it!

Okay the secret lies in the boys. Don't offer to pay them. Little boys really have no concept of money. They are motivated more by fear. So you start off by telling them about the triplets. The triplets are their imaginary older siblings who used to live with you all before you sent them away to the work farm in Mongolia. Why did they get sent to the work farm the kids ask? Because they didn't pick up after themselves and help clean up the kitchen when asked. Now they are forced to work 18 hours a day and survive on bread, water, and a little bit of fish. Once a year they get a piece of candy if they work hard. You can find some pretty convincing pictures to show them on the web. Take a few minutes to show them how to remove their plates from the table. Show them how to help out little by little. Remind them once in a while about the older siblings still on the work farm. Before long they'll be superstars. (smile)

OOO Eve, don't get me startd on that Nigella again!! Why the woman is a veritable food hussy!!OOOOO...

Mr I, welcome back again!

I seen you've taken the time to think this through...very impressive; I like a big thinker.

Now this idea has some merits..and I like the fictionalized aspect which appeals to my sense of well...fiction. BUT first of all Master Samuel is 16 and he ain't gonna fall for that one; he never believed the story I told him that he was swapped at birth and he is not even my son and that I'm doing him a huge favour and therefore he should help me out,so I doubt he'll believe that one.

The little ones WOULD probably believe it though and it may possibly work...but Mr I have you thought of the consequences? My reputation as a philanthropist and loving mother would be ruined! And Master Benedict is a terrible snitch..why he is always dropping me in it at school by telling them how I dig tunnels, paraglide, burn the tea etc etc...I've only just avoided a court order so far.. but with this wild and cruel story... well I fear the worst....

Nope, back to the drawing board Mr I! How about a mechanical idea?? Yes, some useful gadgets would be most appealing.....

Hi Mrs T. Been out of it for a while. How 'bout getting Mr. Sy to get a hamster wheel contraptions that beats the eggs--in the pan to be cooked--and then scrapes them out (for scrambled eggs I mean)? btw came across this hint somewhere and it works like a dream. To clean dirty microwave, squeeze half a lemon (or maybe you could use the unsqueezed lemon to save time)into a small dish of water and heat on high for 3 minutes and then blog, put your feet up, eat chocolates whatever, for half an hour. Then open oven and wipe down with a soft clot. Amazing every time!

Well Mikiye, you've suggested quite a lot of useful ideas although Mr T has alreadt implemented a "no shoe zone" upstairs. ( I'm not sure why because he hasn't managed to stop the cat throwing up when he implemented the "no vomit zone" so I doubt he will succeed. And ssh don't tell him... but sometimes I sneek up there when he's not looking and grind my heels in right next to his side of the bed. (Life is sweet sometimes isn't it?)

I like the sound of the air purifer and since all the boys suffer from hayfever maybe it's time to get one. (Yes, unfortunately they didn't inherit my lack of sensitivity.. I can even sniff Mr T's socks and stick my hands in bleach without any consequences..but Mr T and the young Masters..well..)

Paper plates..sounds absolutely fantastic...but not very "green" Mrs T like to do her bit for the environment so unfortunately I shall have to rule that one out, although in principle it's an A1 idea.

A sort of K9(Doctor Who's dog) vacuum cleaner...sounds very promising. I wonder does David Tennant come free with it ? Hmmmm..an interesting scenario....

Cook a whole weeks supply of food in one go? Stale, charred food; possibly even less appetising than norm but the idea does have some merits although my new stove is only an average size so cooking meals for effectively 35 in one go could pose a real challenge that even the highly skilled Mrs T might fail at...

Of course those boys should help...maybe I should buy a red hot poker; maybe that would be a real investment?

Ah Eve's Lungs... well underneath all my silliness is another Mrs T and sometimes it slips out.

Now back to silliness..hurrah!

Excellent, excellent Sue; this is more like it.. A device... and a variation on the Hamster's wheel; even better. It sounds thoroughly useable and an absolute blessing for Mr T's fried breakfast! it needs a proper name though which as I have now been summoned by Mr T I will dwell upon....

Oh hello Go Smell the Flowers! Thanks for calling by ...but I think I should say.. I don't save my chocolate for anyone!! Unfortunately,it shows...

Because I have really good insurance, when the kitchen gets dirty ... I burn that MF down!Why clean something that will JUST GET DIRTY AGAIN. That hath no logic. Get a new one :-)While my new kitchen is installed, I go out to eat. Forced fun does not equal forced savings, but I throw caution to the wind. Bon Appetite and here is a match.

Frozen sarnies aren't great but better than mouldy ones, I guess. School dinners all round - it's got to be the way to go. I'd eat them myself if they'd let me in - I'm not proud! Hey! I wonder if that's another job they never told me about at school: School Dinner Critic. I could rove around the County (with a mileage allowance!) and report back to the Council on whether the dinners meet nutritional requirements! Think it's got legs?

You've given me a great idea. We make a film called 'Supersize my School Dinner!' where someone (OK, not me - too dangerous) eats everything on the plate. They get tested before and after a month of this, say. Everyone would talk about it. We could go on chat shows. You never know who might be in the Green Room afterwards ... Pierce? Matt Damon?? If they were too busy that week, there's always lots of booze in those Green Rooms ...!

Wait a minute. I knew it would come to me eventually. The best time-saving tip of them all is (drum roll ...) 'If You Leave It For Long Enough, You NEVER Have To Do It'. It's not new, I know, but sometimes it even works. Hah! The chocolates are mine!!

Ah Mrs B, I sense you are particularly keen for the chocolates! I must say I am very keen on your TV show idea; all that fame and publicity! We might even get on the Jonathan Woss show. Now, do you reckon Mr Woss would be able to match Mrs T's sharp wit? (Note; lots of flattery increases chance of winning chocolate)

Now for your last suggestion...I'm afraid Mr T would absolutely NOT let me get away with not doing the cleaning.... I have a very sore butt at the best of times and I certainly don't want him to get out his deadly bottom scrubber as punishment; the last time he did that I couldn't sit down for a month.

I wish I had some awesome ideas so I could enter this wonderful contest, because lord knows I need new dishrags, but the sad truth is I don't have any good ideas that haven't already been said.

But I did want to tell you that I had a dream today that Pierce Brosnon saved me, from being shot by some mean person, and then took me back to his house. While there, I noticed he had a book open on the floor, that he was reading, and guess who the author was? It was you!! Oh he sang your praises all night! He just thought you were so wonderful and talented, and wanted to meet you. In fact we talked about you quite a bit. Even in my dream I kept saying I have to tell Mrs. T! Just thought you might like to know...