… and it’s freaking me out so much, but in a good way… in a very good way.

So something that has kept me holding on and has kept me happy is the date August 25th because that’s the day my favorite band, Fifth Harmony, is coming out with their album! And today they dropped a song out of nowhere.

It’s like they know me on another level… lol I’m kidding. But coincidence? The day before I took the SAT, they dropped their single. After having shitty feelings for a week, they drop a song on their album. I’d like to think it’s all written in the stars lol.

But when I heard this song, “Angel” it was weird because it took one replay to get all the lyrics and then another one (after the shock of the song) to connect it with my life. Because this song literally speaks out my feelings.

Has that ever happened with you? I know a lot of songs have done that to me and I love that feeling. But this song, it came when I needed it the most.

It says exactly how I feel about Phoenix and that whole situation. After almost a full week of knowing the truth about him and how he feels, this song came out just describing everything I want to say to him . I thought about telling someone because the personal connection literally shocked me… so where better to tell it than my blog?

So here’s the song (but it is explicit, just a warning in case you don’t want to hear that). I’m gonna connect my feelings with the lyrics now.

(The bold lyrics are the ones I can connect with, the italicized ones are just the general lyrics that I can’t connect to- but that doesn’t disregard my feelings to the song) *Slyly switches from first person to second person perspective*

Who said I was an angel?Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah

I didn’t really connect these lyrics when I first heard the song or even when I saw the song title because why would the simple word “Angel” remind me of you? But then I remembered you used to call me that or some variation of that. I don’t know why, but you used to call me “Angelic legs” (Don’t ask, I DON’T EVEN KNOW lol) and then when I told you I could sing you called me “Angelic voice.” Then on our second hang out, I asked you what excuse you would tell your friends for being late to soccer practice and you said that an angel kidnapped you. It’s weird thinking of it now, I never thought much of your nicknames. But now thinking about it, what made you call me that? I’m far from an angel. Who called me an angel? Oh yeah, you did. But you were wrong. Now that you played me wrong, you’re gonna be proven wrong.

We were just a moment, nothing seriousNever really paid it any mindDrop the back side and paying attention

This was your perspective of what we were, right? You barely paid attention. Because if you did notice, all you did would be to hurt me… but I always forgave you because of what I felt. But I can’t do that anymore. Because if you’re not gonna give a second thought about me I can’t give one about you anymore.

Should’ve never not kept your wordWoulda had a reason to keep mineYou was too inconsistent

I would’ve kept my word. I would’ve followed through with everything I’ve told you… I would’ve if you hadn’t lied about everything you’ve told me. You never kept your word. Not when it came to big out-of-this-world promises, which is understandable. But when it came to small things like when you were going to text me back or when we were gonna hang out, you always left me hanging like a lost kid wondering what I did wrong. You were inconsistent. I kept giving you chances and you showed me so many sides of you that confused me as to who you actually were. If you were gonna be sweet or a full jerk. And you were never one side for too long. I didn’t know what the lie was and what the truth was.

Should’ve never crossed that line with ya

I shouldn’t have. I went into unknown territory thinking that this would make my heart happy. But looking back, I should’ve just stayed where I was.

Everything cool, just drinkin’ with ya

Way too young to be up in handcuffsWasn’t tryna spend my life on the phone with ya

It felt like I wasted my junior year being controlled by my feelings for you. I wasted so much time when I could’ve been having fun with my friends. I don’t want to be in handcuffs. Then there was this one time you called me back after I called you to ask how much the bus was after our second hang out. I remember as you talked to me I just wanted to stay on the phone longer with you. But you just wanted to know why I called and hung up (not rudely, I mean you said your regular “Be safe” bs) and it felt like we were on the phone for a long time but it was just one minute. If given, I would’ve talked to you on the phone for hours. After I took the SAT, I called you and we had a short conversation, I guess it would’ve been longer if I gave you details about the test and how I felt. But there was this feeling that I was bothering you so I gave you short answers. Maybe there’s a reason I never got my wish of spending “my life” on the phone with you. Because right now, if I hear your voice I might just break. Good thing I deleted your number off my phone.

Gotta keep it all 100 with yaThe original me wouldn’t’ fuck with yaAnd I was beginning to fuck with ya

This is oddly and coincidentally true. Back in freshman year when we were friends, you kinda creeped me out and when the teacher moved our seats you never talked to me again and vice versa. Back then, I didn’t really want to keep ties because I never knew what your intentions were. And now, when I was beginning to be more open with you and warm up my feelings, you pull the rug out from under me. Two years later, and I still don’t know what your intentions are. I should’ve kept the mindset of you that my freshman year self had (no matter how extra and over dramatic she was).

Who said I was an angel?Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah

When you look at me, what do you see?Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever be

What do you see when you look at me? I still don’t know. I don’t know what you saw when you played with me and stared at me for mintues trying to “read my soul.” You never told me what you saw. But I know, I’m more than you’ll ever be. I won’t ever play someone like you play/played me.

Who said I was an angel?

Yeah won’t lie, say I don’t lieYeah, I might’ve told a few lies, yeahWon’t lie, say I didn’t tryBut you’re only worth a few tries, yeah

I did lie sometimes to you, but only when it involved my true feelings. I could never tell you the truth about how I felt because I didn’t want to freak you out. And I tried. Through my feelings, I tried so hard to be your friend. But you hardly tried. I tried to the best of my effort to be a good friend to you but I can’t keep ruining myself for this friendship. You aren’t worth so many tries that it kills me inside. Where was your effort?

Track star, say that you’re running these streetsYou ain’t the only one running these streetsThey’re making grounds like I only wear cleats, yeah

Your ego never hid itself. But it never ruined whatever we had because, in the past, your ego could never come close to how sweet you were to me. So the ego was outbalanced by the sweetness. But with time, the sweetness went away and the way you cared about me changed. You always had this mentality of “I’m stronger than you and I know it. You can’t hurt my feeling no matter how hard you try.” You thought you were the one in charge of this game. And for a while, I let you take control but now it’s time to show you that you’re not the only one “running these streets.”

Should’ve never cross that line with yaEverything cool, just drinkin’ with yaWay too young to be up in handcuffsTryna spend my life on the phone with yaGotta keep it all 100 with yaThe original me wouldn’t fuck with yaAnd I was beginning to fuck with ya

Who said I was an angel? (But you was wrong, oh, yeah)

You were wrong about who I was. But I’m not surprised because you never put in that much time to correct yourself and find out who I really am. The fact that you said “I think I know you well enough to know when you’re lying or not” still pisses me off. Because no, you don’t know me that well. And you don’t get to be egotistical enough to think that because you know if I said those exact words to you, you would mock me.

Who said I was an angel? (Oh, I’m no angel, when you look at me)

The next time you’ll see me, I won’t be that angel anymore. I can’t be. I won’t put on a mask for the sake of whatever we had. You hurt me, I’m not gonna belittle my pain because of the way I feel anymore.

When you look at me, what do you see? (What do you see?)Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever beWho said I was an angel? (Who said I was, an angel?)

Who said I was an angel?(Who said I was an angel? Didn’t know the real me, I’m far from an angel)

Even though you wanted to know the real me and you got some pieces of her, you never got her. Because if you did know the real me, you would know you were hurting me and giving me the worst anxiety. You would know that I”m not this girl with her feelings in check and everything going perfectly for her.

Who said I was an angel? Oh, yeah (Never took the time out, never had time to figure me out. When you look at me)

Like I said before, you never took the time out. If you put in even a little time to care… would that have been so hard? But apparently, it was. You didn’t have time to figure me out. Even though you have this “perception” of me figured out. You think you know me but you’re just making assumptions thinking I’m an angel. Maybe that’s why you keep thinking the way you treat me is okay… since I’m an “angel” I’ll forgive your behavior, right? And you blamed never taking the time out on your tendency to lose focus. I understand that— but when it comes to how crappy you treated me, it’s hard to think it’s all because of that.

When you look at me, what do you see? What do you see?Open your eyes, I’m more brilliant than you’ll ever beWho said I was an angel? (Who said I was an angel? Oh)

That’s one of my favorite songs now. I connected thoughts and feelings I didn’t even know were there but yeah… I was just feeling all that so it all just came out. I might do this as a thing now because honestly, it was amazing getting everything out there. I forgot how that felt. And I literally just thought of a name for it, “Lyric Connection Reflection” It’s a mouthful but I really like it.

But tell me your thoughts, did you like the song? How do you feel about songs that seem to just speak from your heart? Any suggestions?

And some advice to leave you with: Connect your heart and feelings to music instead of sadness. It’ll make you feel so so so much better. Whenever I get a little tug on my heart I listen to music because I know it’ll be able to express my feelings in a way overthinking never can.

“no person wants to start over with a new person. telling secrets, giving their body away. falling all over again. its too much..”

via @changes on twitter

This twitter post literally came the very day I needed it. Coincidence? I really don’t know.

But do you know what it’s like?

Let’s go back. If you’re interested in a little history step inside the rollercoaster ride.

Eighth grade. I like this guy in my class. And this is the first time I’ve liked someone for their personality, and not just solely on looks. He was funny, we had banter, and he said cute things sometimes, I guess. He did things my little middle school heart never experienced before… like he hugged me. Yep. Hugged me. Many other things happened and I had a little hope that he liked me. But he didn’t.

And so when it was time for us to go our separate ways into high school, I found myself missing him. Long story, short (because this story was on my blog before “Over”) I tried to get over him and it took two years. He was completely toxic for my heart. I always thought he was genuine and missed me too, but no.

One of my best friends told me that I would meet someone better, someone who deserved my heart… then “Phoenix” showed up. And I thought maybe this is my second chance.

Remember Phoenix? The guy I thought was perfect for my heart? The guy I thought would never hurt me? I thought he would be someone worth falling for.

So I fell.

It’s been months. Maybe even close to a year?

And honestly, when I fell I didn’t expect to be this close to him. To have his number, to have his snapchat, to have hung out with him. None of that was expected when I started to fall. But it happened. And it made the falling even worse.

But the falling was okay. Because Phoenix seemed sooooo much better than my eighth-grade crush, let’s call him “Over.”

So I started over with Phoenix. I fell. Again. But it was okay because he was genuine and sweet and honest and real. Right?

Phoenix did things that no guy has ever done. He asked me if I had depression, he sensed that himself, and then he figured out that I had anxiety and he asked me about it. And he told me that he would be there to talk if I ever needed it. He suspected something was wrong and something happened in my life just because of a “weird-sounding” text. And we texted each other in paragraphs and he never seemed to mind.

But then, things changed.

And he just turned out to be like the 7.0 version of Over. But it was deeper this time. It was much deeper.

I told Phoenix things I haven’t even told my best friend. I told him my fears, my secrets, I gave him a piece of myself. I got to know him, or at least who he wanted to seem like in front of me. I built a relationship with him. And for what?

For it to just go to waste?

We’re not on good terms right now. This isn’t like some petty fight… this might be the end of the Phoenix chapter. And honestly? I thought it would last way longer. But he turned out to be just as dishonest as Over.

Both of them were just full of talk and their actions came from their ego instead of their heart.

So here I am. After falling deeper for the second time.

I thought I would be in a better place. I thought it would be worth it. I thought it would at least feel better than this.

But falling for the second time is, even more, worse than the first time.

Ater the first time, I was cautious. I didn’t want to let my heart out of its chains again. But when a guy does the sweet things that Phoenix did you get vulnerable and you trust. And you fall before you can stop yourself.

I never really believed my best friend when she said I would find a guy who would treat me so much better. It didn’t really feel like that would actually happen because it’s me and my life. But then he came in and gave me a little hope that genuine guys existed and there might be a chance I could get over “Over.”

He gave me hope after my first fall.

But the second fall, like I said, didn’t turn out great. Not at the beginning, not in the middle, not in the end.

Even though there were great things that happened during this fall… something was there to always make me feel like crap: another girl, he hurt me unintentionally or intentionally, my anxiety, etc.

And you know? I tried so hard to push the crappy parts down because I thought I would never meet another guy like him. A guy who would care so much about me and about my past and my future. A guy who wanted to see the stars with me, wanted to see a play together, wanted to go far away someday to escape it all, didn’t believe in promises like me, and hated fake people just as much as me. He seemed… right? He told me instead of a party he would want to see a sunset and I’m like wow, the perfect person for a girl with anxiety.

It all just seemed so perfect. I guess that’s what was wrong. The perception of it was deceitful.

But the way I got to know him was different than the way I got to know anyone else. We opened up to each other. We took small steps. We shared.

How do you let something like that go?

And how can you possibly think of moving on and thinking you deserve someone better when that was it… when that was the better? Or at least it felt like it.

Did I waste all those months, all that time, falling for him? Is it all just a waste now? Now that I know I meant nothing to him. And it was all nothing.

I don’t even know if I can get up after this second fall. I don’t think I can picture myself giving so much of myself to another person… hoping that they’re the right one for my heart.

I can’t do it again. I can’t.

It was hard enough this time.

Now, a piece of me is with him and he’s just breaking that piece apart.

How can I open up myself to another person? Open up my heart? The thought of falling for a third time and getting heartbroken for a third time? I don’t want to think of that. It really exhausts me thinking like that. I don’t even know if I’ll even be able to…

How do people like this get so consumed with playing the game that they don’t even realize they’re playing with feelings and emotions? Doesn’t that ever cross their minds?

How can I start over?

After going through so much, after listening to my heart, how can I possibly start over?

And the worst part about the feeling? I know that I’m going to keep feeling it.

I don’t like talking to some of my friends about it. Becuase it feels like I’m being “overdramatic.”

Am I?

Am I just taking things out of proportion?

Would you feel the same way if… I don’t know how to give this story without context. But I don’t want to give context because I’m just so exhausted, not only over this issue but the fact that it’s the same damn person every single time. It’s the same person who makes me feel like shit.

I don’t think it even really matters what happened but more so how I keep letting it happen.

I keep forgiving Phoenix for everything he puts me through. And not because he deserves it or solely because I have feelings for him. But because I feel like my emotions aren’t valid.

I mean if I thought of him as a friend would I still be hurt over everything he’s done to me? I’m not actually sure. I feel like I would still be hurt but not as much.

But the problem is, he keeps hurting me. And I keep letting him.

Whenever I find a reason to be mad at him, it never sticks around. It’s an excessive disturbing cycle. I get mad, I might rant to some of my friends, I think of all the crap he’s put me through, I “think” I’m ready to hurt him as much as he’s hurt me, and then… he talks to me and I submit. All it takes is one mere act of him sending me a message and maybe at first, I’m like “You’re a piece of crap.” But eventually, he warms up to my heart again and the cycle restarts itself.

I’m tired.

I know I can never stay mad at him. But I should. Because he keeps treating me like I don’t have feelings. Just the other week I told him that he hurt my feelings (kind of in a joking way but also in a serious way) and he made it into this game and told me to “toughen up.” He’ll never take anything seriously. He thinks all my feelings and emotions are a game.

Whenever he tells me a lie, he never feels bad. He never thinks twice about hurting me.

I don’t want to do this anymore.

Word of advice? If someone has treated you like shit in the past, they’ll keep treating you like shit.