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Topic: Rude to not postpone wedding? (Read 19665 times)

A larger part of the issue is that K's parents have been trying to steer her away from anything resembling a 'traditional' wedding, due to her 'certain age' (over 30). This has been rather hurtful for K as she feels she's being made out to be some kind of bridezilla for not wanting to go stand in front of a JOP in a sensible suit.

I have mixed feelings about this one. To me, a wedding date is chosen AFTER discussion with parents on both sides. If certain people are essential to you to have at the wedding, you would discuss the date with them first. You don't just announce a date and expect everyone to fall in line.

Given K's parents' attitude toward her wedding plans in general, I'm thinking perhaps she justifiably does not regard them as essential.

Honestly I kinda side with K on this one. It seems that K has been trying to tell her parents for years how she feels about weddings and they.just.don't.want.to.hear.her. But her sister's wedding was a big hairy deal. Now when the wedding that they have not wanted to hear would be important to her, is here and they are planning it, the parents are still not hearing that it's important to her. They are, in fact, being pretty dismissive with the "it's not hard to change a City Hall appointment"

And now,she's expected to work around her sister's pregnancy. Which could mean moving it by weeks and still not having her sister there. ( In order to ensure that she'd likely have to move it several months as many parents don't want to take newborns around other people for several months after birth. ) So just how long is she supposed to have to put her life on hold for this?

Apparently the date has significance to the couple, and they do have the right to have their wedding when they want to - especially in the light of how K's family is being so un-supportive - personally, if someone told me that they assumed I would be having a city hall wedding rather than a real celebration, I'd be rethinking their invitation- parents or not. My heart goes out to K - I wish her years of happiness.

If I'm reading it correctly, this may be a destination wedding, or at least something where the parents will not be able to get to C quickly, correct?

In that case, I can understand why the parents would prefer to stay nearby for the delivery. Giving birth can be riskier and more draining than a wedding, and they may secretly be worried about how C would cope in an emergency if they were not around.

I'm afraid this comes down a lot to "stuff happens". It stinks, but I can see why her parents have had to make a hard decision.

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I agree with Snowdragon. It sounds like K's parents have been against her having any kind of wedding in her style for a long time and K has finally had enough. She has drawn her line in the sand here.

If she moves the wedding date, what will the next demand from her parents be? A different dress, maybe? Different dinners? Just how much about this wedding will they hassle her to change if she gives in this time?

Honestly I kinda side with K on this one. It seems that K has been trying to tell her parents for years how she feels about weddings and they.just.don't.want.to.hear.her. But her sister's wedding was a big hairy deal. Now when the wedding that they have not wanted to hear would be important to her, is here and they are planning it, the parents are still not hearing that it's important to her. They are, in fact, being pretty dismissive with the "it's not hard to change a City Hall appointment"

And now,she's expected to work around her sister's pregnancy. Which could mean moving it by weeks and still not having her sister there. ( In order to ensure that she'd likely have to move it several months as many parents don't want to take newborns around other people for several months after birth. ) So just how long is she supposed to have to put her life on hold for this?

Apparently the date has significance to the couple, and they do have the right to have their wedding when they want to - especially in the light of how K's family is being so un-supportive - personally, if someone told me that they assumed I would be having a city hall wedding rather than a real celebration, I'd be rethinking their invitation- parents or not. My heart goes out to K - I wish her years of happiness.

Huge POD as another daughter whose family gives not a fig for her, I feel for K as well.

I agree with Snowdragon. It sounds like K's parents have been against her having any kind of wedding in her style for a long time and K has finally had enough. She has drawn her line in the sand here.

If she moves the wedding date, what will the next demand from her parents be? A different dress, maybe? Different dinners? Just how much about this wedding will they hassle her to change if she gives in this time?

And if they give in on this - what will their future lives be like - what demands will the family make about life in general for this couple

Eep I have been in the sisters situation before! My sister and (now) brother in law got engaged then spent ages deciding on a date for their nuptials. In the meantime my husband and I were trying for a baby, only to find out that our due date was only 3 days after the wedding. That resulted in lots of comments from my mother in law saying "I hope it's early it will be nice to gave a newborn at the wedding!" And general falling out around me. Eventually my husband went to the wedding and I gave birth 2 days latter. It's not rude of her not to change the date, neither is it rude of the mother to be to decline to attend, but IMO it IS rude for the parents to assume that either event takes priority over the other!

If I'm understanding this correctly, the parents paid for C's BWW but aren't paying for K's wedding at all, is that right? Because if they were paying for it then yeah, she should have cleared dates with them before booking the location and making any concrete plans.

But it seems to be a matter of the parents not treating both daughters the same. It's pretty awful that they are giving preferential treatment to C over K. In K's place, I'd just do whatever worked best for me and not take the parents' opinions into account at all.

If I'm understanding this correctly, the parents paid for C's BWW but aren't paying for K's wedding at all, is that right? Because if they were paying for it then yeah, she should have cleared dates with them before booking the location and making any concrete plans.

But it seems to be a matter of the parents not treating both daughters the same. It's pretty awful that they are giving preferential treatment to C over K. In K's place, I'd just do whatever worked best for me and not take the parents' opinions into account at all.

C and her DH actually paid for their own wedding, as far as I know. Their parents on either side didn't (or couldn't, not my place to speculate) contribute much if anything. K and her FH are planning to do the same.

OP, what is the significance of the date K chose? If the family members otherwise get along (and with the latest updates the speculation about the parents favoring C over K should diminish) I still don't really understand why K wouldn't want to accomodate as many people as possible. Obviously she can keep the date, but knowing that choice is causing a rift would make me want to change it. I don't see this as the parents favoring C over K, I see this as the reality that a wedding date can be changed but a baby is going to come more or less in nine months.

Ah, ok. So the real breakdown here is due to the parents figuring K will not do much more than run down the courthouse, and that C's baby takes precedence over whatever K is doing.

So it doesn't really change my answer all that much. Unless K is planning a destination wedding, there's still a good chance that C will be able to attend. And there's no reason at all that the parents can't attend. Even if C is in labor at the exact time of the wedding, the parents do not need to be at the hospital holding her hand. If she hasn't had the baby yet by then, everyone can be at the wedding. If she has had the baby, C can determine if she is up to attending the wedding but the parents really have no excuse not to be there unless C is going to be happy with the parents hanging around with the new baby 24/7 which is pretty doubtful.

So really, in my opinion, the only reason for K to change the date is if she wants to make absolutely sure C will be able to be there. In that case, it's between C & K to discuss and work out.

OP, what is the significance of the date K chose? If the family members otherwise get along (and with the latest updates the speculation about the parents favoring C over K should diminish) I still don't really understand why K wouldn't want to accomodate as many people as possible. Obviously she can keep the date, but knowing that choice is causing a rift would make me want to change it. I don't see this as the parents favoring C over K, I see this as the reality that a wedding date can be changed but a baby is going to come more or less in nine months.

It's the date they first said "I love you" to each other. Corny? Yeah, a bit, but also adorable IMO.

They're talking about caving a bit and moving the date out, but with the parents' attitude towards K & her FH wanting a bigger ceremony and not just a JOP wedding there's some reluctance.