Monday 11 November 2013 09.07 EST
First published on Monday 11 November 2013 06.59 EST

2.07pm GMT

And that’s that for Carry On Dick. You know, just between you and me, I think that ‘Dick’ might be a euphemism for ‘penis’. Anyway, thanks for reading. I’ll be back next week to liveblog another film, so be sure to join me for that. Follow me on Twitter (I’m @StuHeritage) for even more terrible genital-related puns than you’ve just seen. Now get on with your day, for god’s sake.

2.06pm GMT

And that's how Big Dick makes his escape. Really slowly, on a horse-drawn carriage that moves slowly enough to be caught by plenty of other vehicles. But then Big Dick has full sex with Barbara Windsor, so he wins. THE END.

Big Dick invites two runners into the church, and asks them to kneel while he prays. And then he knocks them unconscious, because he is a charming rogue and it is charming when charming rogues brutally assault policemen.

2.00pm GMT

Hattie Jacques is trying to play the organ (penis) but she can't because it keeps making a farting noise. Farting is funny. Penises are funny. This film is brilliant.

1.58pm GMT

This is how Big Dick escapes arrest: he elongates his sermon to extraordinary lengths, knowing that the Runners won't arrest him in front of his congregation. And then, during a hymn, he tries to figure out an escape route.

1.56pm GMT

While the Runners pelt towards the church, Big Dick holds a sermon. He knows his time is up. Silence.

1.55pm GMT

They've worked it out. The Bow Street Runners are after the rector. Big Dick is in a tight corner.

1.55pm GMT

The chief arrives to find Kenneth Williams all tied up in a jail cell. The chase is on. Kenneth Williams recognises the face of the prostitute who held him up, but isn't sure where from. This is despite the fact that he has spent approximately 90% of his screentime talking to the rector.

1.53pm GMT

Kenneth Williams doesn't recognise that the prostitute he's just accosted is actually Big Dick. In fact, he actually seems fairly aroused by the sight of him. But Big Dick uses Kenneth's inexplicable sexual desire against him. It's a stick up. This is also a double entendre, because 'stick up' means 'erection', but it doesn't count because it wasn't in the film.

1.50pm GMT

Because the Carry On films are precise bits of machinery where everything onscreen plays a vital role in progressing the plot, Big Dick decides that the best way to break Barbara Windsor out of jail is to dress up as a prostitute himself. Because of course it is.

1.49pm GMT

Kenneth Williams is now seeking counsel from Big Dick (posing as the rector) about what to do with Barbara Windsor. But enough of that because here come the prostitutes again.

1.47pm GMT

"I'm not easy to pluck" says Joan Sims. The word 'pluck' rhymes with a vulgarity that means 'sexual intercourse'. This is classic misdirection, because Joan Sims is a prostitute.

1.45pm GMT

However, she's now been outed as one of Big Dick's accomplices. Big Dick discovers this during a scene where Hattie Jacques reveals the care in which she's been tending to his organ. Not to belabour the point, but 'organ' is another word for 'penis'.

1.43pm GMT

Williams has spied Barbara Windsor, and mistakes her for Big Dick. There is a chase where people skid around on soap and fall over onto prostitutes and then, to prove her identity, Windsor takes her top off. She's wearing an especially see-through vest. So now I know what Barbara Windsor's boobs look like. It's weird. It's like seeing your granny naked.

1.40pm GMT

Kenneth Williams's boss has now come to visit. "Turpin took my most treasured possession, his ladyfriend says. "I thought that disappeared long ago" says Williams. "I mean my mother's bracelet!" she replies. There is an audible 'wah-wah' noise. He thought she was talking about her hymen!

1.38pm GMT

Big Dick is holding a fundraising jumble sale for the church. It serves only to make Hattie Jacques suspicious that her beloved rector is actually Big Dick. Also 'rector' sounds a bit like 'rectum' and 'erection'. I am disappointed that Carry On Dick didn't do more with golden material like this.

1.30pm GMT

"She's after a rise" says Sid James. This is funny because she is an employee of his, and also because 'rise' is another word for 'erection', which is something that happens to a penis.

1.29pm GMT

Hattie Jacques, who plays Big Dick's housemaid, is now attempting to have sex with Big Dick. Even though Big Dick is basically Robin Thicke's grandpa.

1.28pm GMT

Big James is now teaching Barbara Windsor how to count. He is doing this by counting her boobs. In case you're not watching this live, Barbara Windsor has got two boobs.

1.25pm GMT

Barbara Windsor is trying to have sex with Big Dick. He manages to protest in a way that makes him sound as if he's talking about Jesus. Which serves some sort of purpose, I think.

1.22pm GMT

And Kenneth Williams is in the stocks, being pelted with bad cabbages by peasants. He's constantly pelted, unless he happens to be having a conversation with Jock Strapp, in which case the peasants stop and wait for him to finish. If nothing else, you can't deny that this film has very polite peasants.

1.20pm GMT

This film is basically Batman Begins, isn't it?

1.19pm GMT

At the meeting point that I told you would be important just now, there's an elaborate double-bluff and Kenneth Williams ends up being arrested. Kenneth Williams isn't really having a very good time of it.

1.17pm GMT

"I shall piss in your ale" says the cheating man from earlier. The melodica tries to censor the word 'piss' but it starts late and only obscures the word 'it'. Still, boobs and moderate swearing. Best lunchtime ever.

1.16pm GMT

Then Barbara Windsor accosts him and arranges a meeting with Big Dick. I'm telling you this because it's probably going to be important later on.

1.14pm GMT

Kenneth Williams sends information about Big Dick to his boss by carrier pigeon. But the pigeon poos on his hat.

1.12pm GMT

Back at the church, the rector tells anyone who has managed to stay faithful to their wife to leave. One man gets up to go, but only because he remembered where he left his hat last night. He left it at the home of the woman who he is cheating on his wife with.

1.11pm GMT

Meanwhile, back at the church, there is a terrible bell-ringing accident and Barbara Windsor's boobs fall out of her top. In the trailer I posted, this scene was blurred out. It's quite graphic for a Monday lunchtime.

1.04pm GMT

Joan traps Kenneth in her bedroom. She tries to undress him, but he's suspicious because she's French. Then he falls over into a bath and gets chased around by prostitutes. Then he falls down the stairs, and his extensive injuries are soundtracked by a timpani noise. Just like in real life.

1.01pm GMT

The rector has now snuck upstairs to see Sims, who he robbed half an hour earlier under the guise of Big Dick. He informs her of the deformation on Big Dick's penis. We're basically watching a middle-aged man tell a woman what his penis looks like. Sims reacts with enthusiasm, because it means she gets to look at a lot of penises - starting with Kenneth Williams's.

Updated at 1.01pm GMT

12.57pm GMT

Interestingly, the word 'penis' appears to be censored here. Every time someone tries to say it, it's replaced with a weird blast of melodica. It's as if Damon Albarn had soundtracked a Lars Von Trier film.

12.56pm GMT

Joan Sims is introducing the prostitutes with a cheeky rhyme. "Here are the prostitutes, they live under the sea/ If you pay them extra, they'll cover you in wee". That sort of thing.

Updated at 1.01pm GMT

12.54pm GMT

Big Dick is now entering The Old Cock, under the guise of the rector. He's looking at the prostitutes, who are all dressed like Romans now. Shame. I miss the mermaids. They're shepherdesses now. I miss the Romans. They're nymphs now. I miss the shepherdesses.

12.48pm GMT

Some of the prostitutes are dressed like mermaids. But there's an ad break. Of all the cliffhangers I've ever seen, 'How did the prostitutes become mermaids?' is probably my least favourite.

12.47pm GMT

So Jock Strapp tries to identify Big Dick by crawling around public toilets staring at penises with a magnifying glass. Needless to say, the men in the pub don't take too kindly to this! But it's OK, because here come the prostitutes.

12.45pm GMT

Williams is posing as a highwayman called Dandy Desmond. He's bribing a crone, who reveals that Big Dick has a funny birthmark on his penis. Do you see? Carry On Dick has a double meaning, because it's about a man called dick who has a distinctive penis. It's this intelligent attention to detail that made the carry on films what they are today.

12.42pm GMT

Fancy and Strapp are now in The Old Cock Inn. It's musty and Kenneth Williams has a small penis.

12.41pm GMT

The Bow Street Runners have gone, which leaves Barbara Windsor plenty of time to rub her boobs against Big Dick. He tells her to go and pump his organ, for reasons I have previously specified.

12.39pm GMT

The rector says that he'd like to get his organ back in use. This is funny because churches have organs, and also the word 'organ' is a term for 'penis'.

12.39pm GMT

The rector of the church is - get this - Big Dick in disguise. This is his secret identity, and he works in a church full of sticky-out bits that people keep banging their testicles on. And when they bang their testicles, it makes a boingy timpani noise. Just like in real life.

12.37pm GMT

Fancy and Strapp are trying to find Big Dick. They want to try the local pub. The local pub is called The Old Cock, because 'cock' is a funny word that also means penis. They also try the local church, which has a prominent World War One memorial even though it's the 1700s.

12.35pm GMT

Kenneth Williams is the Captain of the Bow Street Runners. His name his Captain Fancy. His assistant is called Jock Strapp. He's not Scottish or wearing a jockstrap. That's just his name. However, in more plot-relevant news, Williams has made it clear that he wants to capture Big Dick.

12.33pm GMT

But, oh no, the Bow Street Runners have caught Big Dick in the act. They've arrested him, but he's pulled the old Lock Him In A Carriage And Get Barbara Winsdor To Punch A Horse's Bottom So It Drags Him Away trick. Oldest trick in the book.

12.31pm GMT

Sims is travelling with a number of girls who can't top giggling at the thought of being violently robbed by a middle-aged man with a creepy laugh. Sims's knickers have just fallen down. There was a pennywhistle noise. Just like in real life.

12.29pm GMT

Big Dick has just robbed a Frenchwoman, played by Joan Sims. Sometimes she's French and sometimes she's cockney. This tickles Big Dick, even though she makes a number of cruel assertions about the size of his penis that are related to the size of his gun, which looks like a penis.

Updated at 1.02pm GMT

12.28pm GMT

They're good at their job, though, managing to catch highwaymen despite their shoddy bowels. However, there is one criminal they can't apprehend - Dick Turpin, known as Big Dick because he's big and also has a penis.

12.27pm GMT

OK, so the king has started a new police force, The Bow Street Runners. They are always on the job, which I think means that they are constantly defecating everywhere.

12.25pm GMT

A horse! Sid James! There, this isn't so racy, is it? He's riding through the woods. Not a single knob gag so far. I might have been needlessly hard on this film.

12.24pm GMT

And he were go. Ladies and gentlemen - and I never thought I'd say this - here's Carry On Dick.

12.19pm GMT

Kirstie just broke a saucer. It's ruined the staging of her arrangement. I remember why I don't watch that much daytime TV now. I don't think my nerves could take it.

12.12pm GMT

Before the film starts, here's Chanel Four's tried and true filler item: Kirstie Allsopp Shows You How To Make Your House Exactly The Same As Kirstie Allsopp's House. Her top tip today is to always use an odd number of flowers when you're making an arrangement, which has given me a terrifying insight into the kind of all-consuming tantrum that Kirstie Allsopp throws if she's ever given a flower arrangement containing an even number of flowers.

11.58am GMT

Good morning everyone, and welcome to the Film on the Box liveblog: daytime edition. This week, I’m liveblogging Carry On Dick. I’ve give you a minute to let the magnitude of that last sentence sink in fully.

Carry On Dick marks a watershed moment in the Carry On series. It’s the last one to star Sid James, Barbara Windsor and Hattie Jacques, as well as the last one to be written by Talbot Rothwell. I expect this is either because they all wanted to go out on a high, or because this film is so monumentally terrible that none of them wanted to be associated with the series any more. I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

Anyway, you may have guessed that Carry On Dick is about Dick Turpin, although I suspect that the fact that this film exists has less to do with Turpin’s historical relevance and more to do with the way that he was named after a penis. Imagine if his parents had called him Big Wobbly Boobies instead. We’d have never heard the end of it.

Carry On Dick begins at 12:25 on Channel 4. I do hope you’ll join me. To whet your appetite, here’s the trailer. I sure hope you like punishingly unrelenting repetition of the word ‘Dick’ for comic effect.