Lord help us all. Tonight Rick Santorum won both the Alabama and Mississippi primaries, adding more slimy, frothy fuel to the loosely contained forest fire that is his campaign. While this probably won't matter much in the long run—except for further damaging the idea that Mitt Romney can appeal to voters in the South—it is nevertheless a healthy score for the Rickster. He can now legitimately continue to suck the life out of our souls like he's sucking the meat off of this rib.

The biggest loser of the night was Newt Gingrich. He came in second in both states, but his losses are a sign that his campaign is about as viable as a "person" the moment it is conceived. In fact, his quest for the presidency is so ill and rundown that if it were one of his wives, he'd have left it weeks ago. (Ugh.) He's sworn yet again that he's in it for the long haul, but let's hope he and Callista are packing their bags as we speak as Newt prepares to assume control of his fabled moonbase.