punt counterpunt

PUNT

By Bryan MacKenzie

You know what college football doesn't have enough of? Equations.

I don't do much with the maths, but from what I remember from high school algebra, there's a general rule that if you have a variables system of linear equations, you need that same number of distinct equations to solve the system. In other words, the more variables, the more information you need if you want to know what the hell is going on and why. And hoo boy does college football have a lot of variables. Player turnover. Injuries. Weather. The way an oblong ball bounces. The ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ nature of 18- to 22-year-old man-children. The general bloodymindedness of the universe.

“System of linear equations” is the most boring thing that has ever been Google Image Searched.

And the equations? Oh, there aren't many equations. Give me 162 baseball games, and we can calculate the exact value of every player down to the run. Hell, even if you’ve got 16 NFL games against other professional teams with rosters that are similar to those of the last couple of seasons, and you have a decent idea what you’re looking at. But in college football, you've got twelve regular season games. And odds are, three or four of those games are going to be against tomato cans. So you're really looking at a sample of eight or nine games against real teams. One will be in the rain. One will be windy and cold. In one game, the opponent's quarterback will get knocked out. In one, YOUR quarterback will get knocked out.

Sure, we can draw some general conclusions, like “Mo Hurst is greater than or equal to everything,” or “you cannot divide by Mike Riley.” But to get more specific, we need more data. So we go searching in the places where your stats professor warned you not to go without a chaperone. Like spring games. Insider practice hype. Coaches’ press conferences. Tarot card readers. ESPN talking heads.

Bowl games.

Sure, there is information to be gleaned. But the temptations is to look for the shiny objects. Look no further than the narrative around the Big Ten bowl record. There is real value to the wins by the top echelon of the conference. But all everyone is talking about is “7-0,” despite the randomness of Iowa ice-skating better than Boston College, Kentucky dropping a two-point conversion against Northwestern, and Purdue completing a two-minute drill against Arizona.

Pictured: the Big Ten being unbeatable (USA Today)

Michigan is going to beat South Carolina, because Michigan is pretty good, and South Carolina isn’t particularly good. Whether it is by a field goal or four touchdowns is largely irrelevant. A big shiny multi-score win would make everybody feel better, and would be a talking point for those 30 second pre-season rundowns on ESPN 7 (“Michigan is coming off a bowl win, something something rivalry record, Rashan Gary, something quarterback competition, latest Harbaugh thing”).

But 2018 is set up to be a really, really good year regardless of how this game goes. So forget about the narrative. Instead of worrying about the final score, just enjoy the Hammering Panda and Mo Hurst destroying people one last time. Try to learn a *little* bit about Brandon Peters and the other new or like-new guys in line for playing time next year. And enjoy watching a real, honest-to-god football game for the last time for the next three quarters of a year.

(But yeah, Will Muschamp, so Michigan is probably going to bludgeon these guys)

Michigan 27, South Carolina 10

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[Nick RoUMel has retired and a full CP search deserves a more thorough process, so this being bowl season we've promoted a guy in-house, MGoBlog GifMaster and Waffle Chef Smoothitron, with an interim tag and suggested a good performance can win him the job]

COUNTERPUNT

By Smoothitron

A year full of interesting storylines, compelling characters, and underwhelming results has culminated in a very appropriate finale. The Outback Bowl is the historical home of the also-rans who didn’t also-run well enough to even make the Citrus. Everything about this game is ho-hum, from the uninspiring Tampa locale, to the rehashed matchup of teams, to its relegation to ESPN2 in favor of UCF vs. Auburn in the Peach Bowl.

Even the Outback Bowl Trophy is an underwhelming prize. It features a crystal boomerang, which was a disappointing second choice when the Golden Crocodile Dundee Trophy™ was deemed too expensive to license.

TRULY A MISSED OPPORTUNITY

The B1G’s bowl performance thus far has injected a certain amount of fake conference pride to the stakes, with a perfect B1G bowl record on the line. Unfortunately, it will mean little for Michigan fans. A defeat today sullying the B1G’s otherwise flawless bowl record might add a different arrow to the quiver of rival fans, but won’t increase the inevitable barbs that will be lobbed all offseason.

None of this means that the game won’t be worth watching of course. There are fascinating storylines to keep an eye on. Chase Winovich spearheaded an effort to turn the leadup to the game into a tremendous fundraising opportunity for #Chadtough, resulting in a massive discharge of the Michigan Money Cannon and the glorious opportunity to see a great deal of our heroes sport luxurious orange locks(or facial hair in Don Brown’s case) for the game. As of this writing the fundraiser is barreling towards a staggering $200,000.

FRANCHISE OPPORTUNITIES AVAILABLE

(not too late to donate, click here[https://www.crowdrise.com/o/en/campaign/chaseforchad/chasewinovich] to take part)

Simultaneously, in a wonderful example of what Internet 2.0 is capable of, notable Eddie-Murphy-impersonator Ryan Nanni successfully conned the bowl sponsor into facilitating his yearlong dream to depict the Official Outback Steakhouse Bloomin’ Onion Man. Inspiringly, Nanni gets to portray a food item that contains more calories than his own body, while also depriving whatever local vagrant was previously going to wear the suit out of his New Year’s booze money.

Ok, @Outback. How many retweets is it going to take for you to let me fulfill my destiny and become Bloomin Onion Man?

As for the game itself, however, I will consider it a victory if it’s different enough from the last Outback Bowl vs. South Carolina that I’m able to successfully differentiate between them in five years. If you know where to look, there are plenty of ways the Outback Bowl will be an interesting and compelling experience. Unfortunately, an uninterested performance will mean the game won’t be among them.

I found my copy of the free game program from The Game 20 years ago in a box of old school stuff. Thought you guys might enjoy the Punt / Counterpunt column from that day.

Go Blue!

Here's a zoomed in version.

Thanks to Nick and Ken for being a formative part of my fandom.

Hurst take.

If Hurst is worried about getting injured and the NFL draft. Lloyds of London will insure him for injury for the one game.

So you're asking Mo Hurst to literally pay for the privilege of playing in a football game that is mostly interesting because it will feature Ryan Nanni as a bloomin' onion? Nah.

I'd be vaguely upset if Hurst wasn't going to play in a New Year's Six game but more or less understand. The Outback Bowl? Hurst going in the top ten of the draft is probably more helpful to the program in the long term than whatever bonus chance he provides of beating South Carolina.

If you want players to compete in dink bowl games, there's an easy way to do so: pay them and sign them to a contract that says "you play in bowl games."

Recruiting is DISAPPOINT.

Is it fair to say, absent a change in trajectory, that '18 recruiting heads toward at best "unexciting", possibly even "disappointing"? I guess I have grown quite used to having a consensus top 100 'bell cow' (I loved it when K Jackson used to call FB players bell cows) at basically every position group, and a difference-maker (DPJ - Solomon) for each unit. Is that a reasonable standard, or is that Osu/Bama, which I don't think is realistic until we experience some playoff success and maybe never, given relative boundary-pushing of three programs. (Although the rush to Oxford has me questioning my prejudices.)

Thanks, dirk

I'd say unexciting is about right. Michigan's sole composite top 100 prospect right now, Otis Reese, is pretty wobbly. That's a comedown from Harbaugh's first two full efforts, which delivered guys like Rashan Gary, Donovan Peoples-Jones, Aubrey Solomon, and Cesar Ruiz—amongst many others.

There are a lot of reasons for this: it's a severely down year in-state; Michigan had to hire yet another recruiting director; playing time is hard to sell when you return a zillion starters. And, yes, Michigan is working uphill for a lot of guys because they don't have a bagman network—at least that's what I've heard from guys close to the program for years.

But the class is still 11th and should add a couple additional big fish to finish. Adding the three Ole Miss players also helps fill scholarships with talented players. And this looks like a blip. Michigan already has two five-star-ish DEs in the 2019 class plus top 100 guard Nolan Rumler and four-star LB Charles Thomas. I expect Michigan to bounce back to their previous level in 2019 now that they've got what looks like a solid recruiting infrastructure that isn't going to take a position coaching job next year.

Patterson feels.

Brian/Ace,

I am sure if I posted this as a thread I would be down voted as a babe in the woods and comments of “this is what it takes to beat OSU and Alabama” would rain down from the heavens. But i have to say, going after Peterson when you have two VERY good QBs that harbaugh recruited in the stable feels very unmichigan. What say you?

Thank you again for all you do and next year, please think of adding Boston to your season preview tour. We would love to host!

Best, Quinn

I don't think taking a transfer is a problem. Players at the same position as that guy might be a little cheesed off, but I'm sure Harbaugh didn't promise them they'd get to start. Because that's crazy. But that doesn't mean it's wrong. If Patterson does come in and start—which is not a foregone conclusion—because he's the best option, that's a negative for the other quarterbacks but a positive for the rest of the team.

Michigan doesn't take JUCOs because they can't get them through admissions, and I guess that's the reason taking a transfer seems weird? I find this take baffling. Recruiting kids in college isn't any different than recruiting them in high school. And if a school that was flagrantly buying guys out from under Michigan's nose suffers as a result, all the better.

I GET EMAILS.

So, as a lawyer I got to thinking, .Maybe a lawsuit for violating the Constitutions First Amendmenment protection of Free Speech is in order. Maybe Ill win maybe I wont Probably will) but even if not , it wont cost me one nickle. However you will need a battery of lawyers to deal the various and numerous motions I could file. Hope you have deep pockets.

Expect to be served

Matt Mann

This gentleman was upset that I shut the comments down and has challenged me to a dance-off.

PUNT

By Bryan MacKenzie

I tried to cut my finger off last weekend.

I was doing some woodworking with power tools, as I had done so many times before. I was not doing anything particularly new or dangerous, nor was I being particularly inattentive. And I was a quarter-inch from not even knowing that I had been in any danger at all. I just—juuuuuust—tapped the end of my pinkie to a router blade. It made such light contact that I initially didn’t know if I had hurt myself. Then it started bleeding.

In a way, this was the experience of every Michigan fan 364 days ago. An almost impossibly small distance from everything being fine. Inches from going about our business with a smile on our faces, and yet left bleeding and lamenting the myriad ways this could have been avoided. We were hurt by the hurt, but also by the knowledge of how needless the hurt was.

See, it doesn’t matter how many ways you didn’t screw up. If you are familiar with the story of McGregor the Bridge Builder, you know that it isn’t the hundred tiny, thankless steps up the hill that people remember. It’s the slip. And the fall.

Michigan was a better football team than Ohio State in 2016. They outplayed Ohio State in 2016. And even setting aside The Spot, they had multiple opportunities to win that game. If they don’t fumble on the goal line, or throw two brutal untimely interceptions, or committ an untimely hands-to-the-face penalty, or… or… or. The point is, they didn’t. Ohio State came out on the right side of the cosmic inch, so they don’t have to worry about how close they came to the blade.

The other thing my run-in with spinning steel reminded me, though, was how sometimes the littlest things can completely change your expectations. German general Helmuth von Moltke famously explained that no battle plan survives first contact with the enemy. Or, if you prefer your philosophy to be more Face Tattoo-y, Mike Tyson opined that everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth. I had big plans for Sunday, and then I moved my finger a quarter-inch in the wrong direction, and then I was changing a week’s worth of plans.

Ohio State walked into Kinnick as a significant favorite, and one offensive play into the game they were on their asses. In 2013, Michigan busted an 84-yard play on its first offensive series, and the game was on. This year, a couple of series into the Michigan State game, Michigan looked like it would handle its business comfortably, and one Ty Isaac fumble later things… ended differently.

To win this game, Michigan doesn’t need the world to tilt off its axis. They just need a break or two. Maybe Brandon Peters heals quickly. Maybe JT Barrett has an off day. Maybe it’s a bounce or a catch or a drop or a play call. And this time, they get it.

Michigan 11, Ohio State 10

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COUNTERPUNT

By Nick RoUMel

I began writing in 1994 for Michigan Football Guide, the free programs that were handed out by volunteers before Michigan home games. When the Guide went defunct in 2007, I thought I’d done my last Counterpunt. But a series of shadowy negotiations between Guide publisher Dave DeVarti and MGoBlog founder Brian Cook, resulted in the resurrection of “Punt/Counterpunt” in 2012. “Sky” Walker and I resumed our collaboration with enthusiasm.

I’m now on my third “Punt,” and it’s time to hang up the crystal ball.

Sky didn’t need no stinkin’ animal familiar to be Punt. See ya.

But before I go, I must make one last prediction. To prepare for this pronouncement, I went back into the past, to see how I did calling the Buckeyes’ previous visits to Ann Arbor. If my record is any indication, take the final score at the end of this column to the bank.

1995—The Wolverines were reeling, stunned at home by Northwestern and smarting from losses to Michigan State and Penn State. The Buckeyes rolled in to the Big House sporting an undefeated season and #2 ranking. Yet I picked Michigan for the upset, 24-12, hearkening back to the historic 1969 game. Michigan actually won 31-23, behind Tshimanga Biatabutuka’s 313 yards rushing—helping Counterpunt to finish a perfect 7-0 for the season.

1997—The Buckeyes hoped to return the favor and spoil Michigan’s undefeated season. I wasn’t biting, picking the eventual national champions 24-10. Charles Woodson led the 20-14 victory with a punt return TD, interception in the end zone, and long pass reception to set up an Anthony Thomas touchdown.

I wrote in that 1997 column:

“I have great respect for the University, and they take their football seriously. John Cooper is an excellent coach who has put together some spectacular seasons, while Michigan has struggled in recent years. Still, it is indeed pleasurable to watch Cooper’s chin quiver, as he explains his annual Michigan loss to the media.”

1999—Of the 8-2 Wolverines, I stated the obvious: “Tom Brady has been a phenomenal leader,” while predicting a 35-20 Michigan victory against a relatively weak Ohio State squad. The Buckeyes made it closer, but the home team still prevailed, 24-17.

2001—I was skeptical, writing, “Ousted OSU coach John Cooper was definitely Michigan’s “boy,” losing pitifully for 13 years. Jim Tressel was hired to buck the trend … and will take advantage of Michigan’s frozen offense. As cold November winds swirly through the big house, the final score reads: OSU 17 – Michigan 13.” Actual score: OSU 26, Michigan 20.

Now 2003’scolumn is lost in the annals of home clutter. But I do know this: I went to the game with my college buddy Mike (see: Counterpunt PSU 2017 and my description of our driving adventures to Bloomington this year). Mike lives in Ohio and was getting sick of the woofing from fans of the #4 Buckeyes, and was so pleased when we polished them off 35-21 behind Chris Perry and Braylon Edwards, that he presented me a framed Ann Arbor News article featuring a photo of Perry with a rose between his teeth. My head and heart tell me I called that game correctly as well (any hoarders out there, let me know if you find my article).

2005—I feared a loss, writing, “… [C]unning OSU coach Jim Tressel keeps finding ways to win, and threatens to stretch his record against University of Michigan coach Lloyd Carr to an eye-popping four wins in five years.” I called it 17-13 OSU; the Buckeyes won 25-21.

Fast forward to 2013, our first opportunity for Punt and Counterpunt to predict the outcome of an Ohio State visit to the Big House, in this fancy new medium of “computers.” The wheels were coming off Brady Hoke’s team, limping into this game 7-4, with two of those victories narrow escapes against Akron and Connecticut. Fans were restless (sound familiar?).

Sloopy was undefeated, and few thought Michigan had a chance. But I was one of them, writing: “I am behind these boys 100%. If you don’t get pissed at being a 17-point dog at home to these stupid evil Buckeyes, then there isn’t a blue bone in your body. It is indeed great to be a Michigan Wolverine.” MICHIGAN 28 - OSU 26.

A hobbled Devin Gardner played perhaps the most courageous game of his career, but his late two-point conversion to win was picked off, and Ohio State survived 42-41.

2015 was supposed to be different. Jim Harbaugh’s first year raised expectations and hopes that we could start beating our rivals, but then “that thing” happened against MSU. Still, Michigan was #10 as they hosted the #8 Buckeyes. I went with OSU to win 23-19, writing, “Sure, Sparty exposed some vulnerability. But don’t expect Michigan’s offensive line and running game to enjoy the same success, and I think that Barrett/Jones/Elliott will fare better offensively, especially with Ryan Glasgow’s absence in the middle.” Fare better they did, cruising to a shockingly easy 42-13 win.

Coming into 2017, I have a 6-1 or 7-1 record, depending on whether you trust that I called the 2003 game correctly. The one game I missed in 2013, I picked a close win against heavy odds and we lost by a whisker. I have a lot on the line for this year to preserve this success, so what’s the call?

For those who believe in intangibles, and that the game is affected by what we wear, where we sit, and who we attend with, then the 2017 gametoday is blessed with a good sign. My friend Mike and his wife Sue are attending their first Michigan-Ohio State game since that 2003 victory Mike memorialized for my den.

But alas, as much as I would like to see the Wolverines catch a break—something Punt sees happening—and to make my final call for they boys in Maize and Blue, I just don’t see an upset in the making. Our team is still young and formative, and on top of everything else, is more unsettled at quarterback than ever. The Buckeyes aren’t unbeatable, but it won’t happen today.

Ohio State 30, Michigan 17

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PS Thanks for the opportunity, Brian; it’s been a privilege to work with you, Seth and Ace, and to match wits with Sky, Heiko and Bryan on the top of this page. Forever and always, Go Blue.

PUNT

It's one of the earliest small-talk questions, and shows up starting around age six. What grade are you in? Do you like school? What do you want to be?

Set aside, for the moment, that the above is an entirely insane progression of questions for anyone, let alone a child (How long have you been a human? I see. Do you prefer recess or drawing or reading stories about mischievous bears the best? Gotcha. Okay, how do you plan to spend your earthly existence?). Kids always have an answer; they want to be a veterinarian, or a firefighter, or an astronaut, or a princess, or an old west sheriff.

Aaron Sheldon

But the thing adults fail to mention is that plenty of adults can't actually answer that question.

Sure, adults can tell you what they *do*. They are doctors, lawyers, engineers, sales people, window washers. And some (maybe even most) can tell you what they would like to do next. But the transition from a job to a career to an identity can be a slow one. And an unconscious one. And an imprecise one. You may be hired on Day One as "Jerry, the new guy in Widgets," but it may be months, or years, or even decades before you are "Jerry the Widget guy." Everyone knows what Jerry is about, and how Jerry operates, and what you can and can't ask Jerry to do.

Some people never make that transition. Lots of people just work their jobs, and find their identities elsewhere, like the weight room. Or the community. But if I tell you someone is going to visit Dr. James Andrews, you instantly know the deal. And if I tell you Adam Sandler is in a movie, a lot of questions have already been answered.

Michigan knows what it wants to do offensively under Jim Harbaugh. They spent the first couple of years working with what they had (much of which was quite good), but at the same time they laid out a career plan for the future. They wanted to be a downhill, smash-mouth, "pro-style" offense. They want to run a mix of gap and zone, but their bread and butter is gonna be big ol' offensive guards gliding across the formation to abuse some poor damn linebacker in the hole.

They want defenses so worried about the power play that they create massive cutback lanes and expose themselves to counters, only to see Michigan counter those counters, and counter THOSE counters, until, like the World Turtle, it's counters all the way down. They want a collection of Hobart's Funnies at tight end, fullback, and running back who can force defensive coordinators to worry whether they even have a club in their bag for that shot.

And over the last few weeks, we've seen what that all might look like. And it has been exciting.

But Wisconsin? Wisconsin doesn't have an idea what they want to do. They know exactly who they are as an offense, as a team, and as a football program. Schemes have been tweaked, tactics have been updated, and the coaching staff has even turned over from time to time. But when I say "Wisconsin Football," you know exactly what I'm talking about. They are two decades into a very large, boring, physically uncomfortable experiment.

Michigan will get there. And in the long run, I would rather be where Michigan is going. But Wisconsin is already there. And for the moment, that is enough.

Wisconsin 21, Michigan 13

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COUNTERPUNT

By Nick RoUMel

When I was born, I got no respect. The doctor told my mother, “I did all I could, but he pulled through anyway.”

Boy, is Bucky mad. Borrowing a page from the Mark Dantonio/Rodney Dangerfield playbook, Bucky’s wrath is directed at the CFP, who has them ranked on the outside looking in, because their schedule “just isn’t there.” Bucky begs to differ - but you be the judge:

Week 1 – Wisconsin 59, Little Ducklings Day Care 10

The “Battlin’ Babies” stunned Wisconsin with two quick scores to go up 10-0, but were soon derailed by hunger, wet nappies, and some pretty intense owies. The Badgers cruised to the easy victory.

Week 2 – Wisconsin 31, Sisters of Mercy 14

The “Flying Nuns” kept it close for a half, but despite fervent prayer and a successful Hail Mary, couldn’t pull off the upset.

Week 3 – Wisconsin 40, Kitty Bungalow Charm School for Wayward Cats 6

The “Helpless Kittens” used their cunning and athleticism to forge an early tie, but soon got bored, took naps, and licked themselves in nether regions. Wisconsin took advantage and scored the comfortable victory.

Week 4 – Wisconsin 33, Munchkinland 24

The Badgers seemed on their way to another convincing win, but the “Lollipop Kids” put together two late scores and had the ball at the end with a chance to tie when the Mayor was distracted by a flying monkey and sacked in the end zone to snuff out the upset hopes.

Week 5 – Wisconsin 38, Cleveland Browns 17

The Brownies fought hard for their first victory of the year, and even tied the game in the third quarter, before Wisconsin put together some late drives to remain undefeated.

Week 6 – Wisconsin 17, Powerchair Wheelers 9

The Badgers were stymied by the Wheelers’ formidable flying wedge - and considerable heart - turning the ball over three times. They nonetheless managed to outlast the visitors and improved to 6-0.

Week 7 – Wisconsin 24, Illinois 10

Like father, like son.

Playing perhaps the most hapless team on their schedule, the Badgers spoiled the Illini homecoming celebration, and sullied their throwback uniforms, harassing Jeff George Jr. into three turnovers en route to another notch on Bucky’s belt.

Week 8 – Wisconsin 45, Bud Light 17

Fortuitously retaining several Jonathan Taylor fumbles from falling into the necks of their armless opposition, the Badgers gritted out another road victory over a weak, piss-poor opponent, breaking open a cold one in the third quarter when Bud Light proved to be “less filling.”

Week 9 – Wisconsin 38, Iowa 14

These guys are actually vegan.

OK fine, they beat Iowa. Wisconsin silenced some critics by taking home the Heartland Trophy, after crushing the team that had just demolished the Buckeyes.

The Badgers aren’t terrible. Despite their cottony-soft schedule, they’ve done what they’re supposed to do, in ways you expect them to do it (see Punt, above). Freshman and Rutgers flip Jonathan Taylor runs behind a massive offensive line to pile up monster yards. Sophomore quarterback Randy Creek has completed 64% of his passes, with 17 TDs (but 12 picks). Their defense ranks first in total defense, ahead of Alabama and Michigan.

But Michigan are not babies, nuns or kittens. We are the Wolverines - and we are certainly not cottony-soft. There’s a reason Bucky don’t get no respect; he just don’t deserve it.

PUNT

By Bryan MacKenzie

Football games are predictable only in that they are almost uniformly unpredictable. Sometimes the result itself leaves people scratching their heads or throwing things through the television screen. But even the most to-the-script games played on a given Saturday bring at least some surprises. You know that if you drop an Illinois onto an Ohio State the Illinois will almost certainly break, but like an offensively-challenged snowflake, it will break in its own unique and unpredictable way. It is part of the allure of the game.

But if you are anything like me, dear reader, there are three kinds of football Saturdays leading up to kickoff.

The first are the games in which you expect your beloved team to get thumped. These are not terribly fun, although there is something almost liberating about the freedom from expectation. Occasionally you will get a 2013 Michigan/Ohio State performance as a bonus. Michigan fans have experienced fewer of these in the last few years, though the 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2014 seasons did exist. It's not fun, but a blend of fatalism and gallows humor can get you through.

The second are the competitive games. These are everyone's favorites. The games circled on the calendar. The games where, when you wake up in the morning, you don't think, "hey, Michigan plays today." You think, "hey, Michigan plays OHIO STATE today." You brush your teeth with a little more enthusiasm. Your thoughts never drift far from the upcoming game. Your loved ones ask if you are feeling okay, because you look a little constipated. These are the days for which college football fans spend so many months honing their fandom. They crave those few hours of painful anxiety that leads up to the opening kick. If you do it right, you can't exhale properly. It is stupid. And it is glorious.

Then, there's... this.

This is one of the empty calorie games. The games that barely get mentioned on College GameDay. The games that get the who-dat announcing crew that can't pronounce your right guard's name. The game may not be "easy," but it makes for an easy game day. There is no stress. There is simply waiting patiently for the inevitable (regardless of how inevitable it turns out to be).

We complain about these kinds of games early in seasons. Like a teenager eager to get out into the Real World, we want to get to the meat of the schedule. But now, as the season passes middle age and we get contemplative about the approaching football-less Great Beyond, there is something to be said for an afternoon of sitting down to a relaxing afternoon of beating the hell out of a bad team. Do we learn anything? Probably not. Is there any real upside? Eh. But we get to watch Michigan's Mammoth Right Guard To Be Named Later smash some dudes on a power play. We get to watch Mo Hurst hurl humans into other humans. We get to laugh and enjoy a simple, unfair fight. This is the last of these until next September. So, enjoy it.

Michigan 38, Maryland 6.

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COUNTERPUNT

By Nick RoUMel

COUNTERPUNT MARYLAND 11/11/17

By Nick RoUMel

There’s an animal in trouble!

For those of you who are culturally unaware, “Wonder Pets” is a Nickelodeon animated show featuring Linny the Guinea Pig, Ming-Ming Duckling and Turtle Tuck, who team together to rescue baby animals in distress.

The opening theme song grips you from the ringing telephone, through our superheroes’ realization that their services are needed:

The phone … the phone is ringing!

The phone … we'll be right there!

The phone … the phone is ringing

There's an animal in trouble

There's an animal in trouble

There's an animal in trouble somewhere

I once created an entire Wonder Pets episode in my head. My wife and I were driving on a highway in upstate New York, when we swerved to avoid a giant box turtle in the road. I turned to my wife and exclaimed, “This is a job for Wonder Pets!” I envisioned birds flying down to place orange cones in the road, while other animals nudged the turtle to safety. (Of course, this could be more elaborate, with additional drama like the texting driver who doesn’t notice the animated animals, frantically trying to get his attention.)

Today, Testudo, the Maryland Terrapins’ mascot, is an animal in trouble.

It didn’t start out that way, with all the excitement about beating Texas to start the year. But that was before everybody started beating the Longhorns like a hardware bucket in Central Park. Then injuries brought Maryland down to their fifth string quarterback.

So today, this Wonder Pets episode is going to end up with a different song altogether.

PUNT

By Bryan MacKenzie

The last half-century of the battle for the Jug has been extremely lopsided. Since Bo Schembechler arrived in Ann Arbor, Michigan has won 38 of 42 matchups against the Gophers, dontchaknow. But the recent history has been marked with a particular ingredient that gives a distinct flavor to the rivalry: quarterbacking weirdness.

In five of the last seven games, Michigan has hit the Random Quarterback Generator button heading into the Minnesota game, with wildly unpredictable results.

In 2007, Michigan started young Ryan Mallett in place of an injured Chad Henne. Mallett threw for 233 yards, one TD, and no INTs. His 11.7 yards per attempt were more than double his non-Minnesota average of 5.4 YPA. It was the statistical high point of his Michigan career.

In 2008, 2-7 Michigan was a 93-point underdog [*citation needed*] to 7-2 Minnesota, and turned to Nick Sheridan. There was not reason to expect this move to go well. And the result was one of the most unexpected quarterbacking outbursts in recent Michigan memory. Sheridan threw for 208 yards on over 6.8 yards per attempt, as Michigan routed Minnesota 29-6. Sheridan didn't crack 100 yards passing in any other game in his career.

LOLWUT

In 2012, as the result of the most soul-crushing ulnar nerve compression in the history of elbows, the first non-dilithium-fueled quarterback to start for Michigan in 35 games took the reins. Devin Gardnermade the move back from wide receiver to quarterback and made his first career start, and promptly threw for 234 yards on 18 attempts (13 yards per pass). Michigan beat Minnesota 35-13

In 2014... hell, do we really need to talk about this? Brady Hoke chose to start Shane Morris to teach some sort of J. Walter Weatherman-type lesson about something, and fittingly, Morris proceeded to get a limb ripped off. Hoke left a clearly hurt Morris in the game too long, until a clear shot to the head left Morris physically unable to continue (or to stand properly). Morris later went BACK into the game for random helmet-related reasons, and then... well, you all remember the rest.

2015 started off pretty normally, with Jake Rudock starting as he had every week. But midway through the third quarter, Rudock got nailed and injured his shoulder, and redshirt freshman Wilton Speight stepped in. Speight - who was 0-4 passing in his college career at that point, struggled early, but put together the go-ahead touchdown drive, before Michigan formed a f***ing wall and held on to reclaim the jug.

Now, here we are in the brave new world of 2017, and Michigan is once again going to be sending a new quarterback out to face the Gophers. This time, it is messiahdemigod redshirt freshman Brandon Peters.

The downside here is obvious: quarterbacks get better over time, which means their first start is primed to be their... let's say, their not-best start. But the transition costs of a new signal caller seem to be baked into this rivalry already. And with Minnesota suffering some injuries in the back seven of their defense and Michigan's running game perking up, there is no reason this can't be another surprising quarterback outing.

Michigan 27, Minnesota 10

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COUNTERPUNT

By Nick RoUMel

Last night I attended Michigan Basketball’s home opener with “Punt Classic” (that’s ex-Punt, a.k.a. Ken “Sky” Walker, to all you little shavers out there). We were surprisingly impressed with the potential of this squad, and excited about Kentucky transfer Charles Matthews, whom PC predicted will be the star of this team.

Not one and done.

As we were leaving Crisler Arena Center, we noticed strange lettering on the floor of the concourse, with Yoda-like phrases like, “Loud let the bells them ring,” and “Far we their praises tell.” I timidly offered, “Lyrics to ‘The Victors?’” Punt Classic confidently said, “Nah.”

Well I was right, and—as he was so often as Punt—Sky Walker was WRONG.

My revenge for his refusal to guest-write today’s column for me.

Now the lyrics to the “Yellow and Blue” are a whole ’nother kettle of fish, with the catchiest line being, “Blue are the curtains that evening has spun, The slumbers of Phoebus to woo…”

But you didn’t come here to read disambiguated mythology. You came for my prediction. And about that … it’s not going to be a very good one.

Yes, I’ve (uncharacteristically) been Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm for most of this season. Yes, I love my Maize and Blue, for the glory and fame they've bro’t us. But we’ve learned they’ve got more holes than Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway at the end of “Bonnie and Clyde.” 90.9% new starters on defense. A young and shaky offensive line, especially on the right side. Wide receivers who make us miss great duos like Desmond and Derrick, David and Marquise, Mercury and Amani.

Feeling pretty sunny, just before the ambush.

And at QB: Brandon Peters is no more a messiah after Rutgers than Chris Zurbrugg was after Illinois in ’84, Tate Forcier after Notre Dame in ’09, or John O’Korn after Purdue in ’17. I truly hope Peters has a long and marvelous Michigan career, but he started the season third on the depth chart for a reason.

I have unshakeable faith in Jim Harbaugh and the future of this squad, and I will cheer with might and main. But this year’s version is likely staring down a 2-2 finish.

Here they come with banners flying, in stalwart step they're nighing, with shouts of vict'ry crying … fortunately, they are just good enough to beat the Gophers.