I’ve imagined this and similar conversations during my worldly travels with my Golden Mohawk at full blaze. Not because I’m insecure, but I have endured such ridicule my entire life during moments I’ve stepped outside of the box.. This sort of thing would have bothered me once. However, I have learned a few things over the years that prevent me from sweating the small things. First, if you can’t laugh at yourself, you really aren’t having enough fun in life. Second, haters are going to hate regardless.. What’s that you ask? What is a hater? Well I’ll tell you..

I’d like to begin by defining the base word, “hate”. All the online dictionaries point to the definition of hate being “an intense dislike” for something. So if I say I hate carrots, that means that if I saw one on the street, it’s probably gonna be a bad day for carrots (watch your back, carrots).. And if I say I hate black people, I’m a racist and shall burn in hell.

Now in order to truly understand what a hater is, there’s another subject we must examine from which it originates.. the “player”. Players were the first people to have haters, given the phrase, “player hater”. If you were a player, you were typically a man or woman who juggled (boobs and/or balls) several members of your gender of attraction (perhaps both, you dirty dirty whore you). A player hater is a person who does not appreciate or attempts to thwart the efforts of the player’s “game”.

For example, The Player is riding in the passenger seat, The Player’s Lover A is driving, and The Player’s frienemy (The Player Hater) is in the back seat. As they stop at a stop sign in front of a store in a shopping plaza, out steps The Player’s Lover B. The Player notices and ducks down in the seat to prevent from being “caught up”. The Player Hater rolls down the window and calls The Player’s Lover B over. Player hateration is in effect. See diagram below.

Since then, many have dropped the player prefix and use the term “hater” to describe people who attempt to defeat their efforts at other activities and expertise beyond dishonest polygamy. This is typically assumed to be due to dislike and/or jealousy. These attempts can include but are not limited to blatant disrespect (f*k yo’ couch!), making declarations about ability (don’t quit your day job), picking fun at failures (#fail), and downplaying victories (you call that a knife?).

Hater is a word that has definitely become overused and misconstrued throughout its young life. Now everyone and their unborn child have haters (fetus haters?). Truth is, that’s not so farfetched. How many people have heard someone tell them not to have kids, that they’re gonna be screwed up? The problem is that no one wants to admit when they’re hating. They’re tired of being called a hater and like to say things like, “It’s not hating, it’s just stating the truth.” YOUR NEGATIVE OPINION IS NOT TRUTH, bucko! I don’t care how strongly you feel about it.

A hater, in general, is a person who believes (admittedly or otherwise) that everything in the world is made FOR THEM. They believe that if there is something in the world that does not appeal to their interests, it’s something the world could do without.. even if their distaste puts them in the minority of opinion havers.

My best example of this has to be Justin Bieber. Many want to call him names and say bad things about the masses of people who love him simply because they themselves don’t like him. I personally am not quite a fan, but I am willing to use my special key and open my mind to him because there’s gotta be something special about ’em to have the most video views on YouTube and to be compared to Michael Jackson. The intense hateration going on allows me to predict that some of you are highly upset by that statement.. Settle down, haters.. Settle down.

There are many kinds of haters. Some people hate because they have nothing else better to do (get a life, haters). Some people hate for entertainment (yo momma so fat..). Some people hate to fit in (hater meeting is in session.. what can we make up about Britney Spears today?).

The truth is, everyone HAS haters (even babies) and everyone IS a hater at any given time. I’m sure you can recall a time when you mentioned something you liked or didn’t like and someone looked at you like you just karate chopped a puppy. It’s not the opinion.. it’s the need to force that opinion on others. I’m also sure you’ve given the same look.. You’re probably glancing up at my Mohawk pic right now with such a look. You just mad cuz you can’t pull it off so immaculately.

I’d also like to discuss a new breed of hater.. Yes, that’s right, haters are evolving. Truthfully, it’s not even new.. but it hasn’t quite had a name until now. Have you ever attempted to share something new and unique with someone and without even attempting to understand it, the person you tried to enlighten automatically generates negativity. That’s what I like to call “Auto-Hating“. Just like it reads, it’s hating on auto-pilot.

The most famous examples of auto-hating I’m aware of in history surround African-American and homosexual discrimination. Think about it. Being black wasn’t normal to whites once upon a time. Therefore, blacks got a bad deal automatically. The same goes for gays, though some homophobic black folks would throw up at such a comparison. There’s your The Mulatto vocabulary word for the week. Take that one home and do sentences.

So here’s the moral of all this jibber jabber. Nobody wants to be a hater.. so no one will ever admit to hating. Just because you don’t want to call it hating doesn’t mean that’s not what you’re doing. The next time you have a negative opinion about something, take a moment to ask yourself a few questions. Have I tried to see the good in this that I am about to hate on? Have I considered that my likes aren’t the universal likes of the world.. and that that’s ok? Is there anything morally wrong with this that I am about hate on, or am I just hating because I’m a hater? Am I a douche nugget who doesn’t have anything good to say about anything?