Wednesday, May 31, 2006

A Better Day

I got back to yoga today then followed it up with a 40 minute swim 14 laps 2 of which were 50 yds nonstop....woohoo...that's good for me. Then I grocery shopped and afterwards rode the bike in the surrounding hilly neighborhood.........a decent workout overall. I read some blogs earlier and this guy called the Kahuna has had his share of pain as of late. Nevertheless, his attitude is awesome. His recent podcast and latest post totally got my recent attitude out of the crapper. I've been driving myself nuts (and apparently a few others) over some stupid shit, namely what other people will think and essentially letting those opinions really fuck with my head. It occured to me while shopping this morning that I do what I do because it feels great. It's not about being first or looking cool or even making friends. It never has been. At the risk of sounding completely self absorbed it's always been about how great being active makes me feel. Of course when I feel good my family and friends benefit too so obviously it's not only about me but it definitely starts with me.

It seems that ever since I started this tri journey I've exposed some really raw and unpleasant truths about myself. It's painful and I've questioned my sanity on more than one occasion. I know were all subject to mood swings and bouts of low confidence I'm no stranger to either , but putting myself out there has pushed me over to the darkside more than I care to admit.

I'm realizing more than ever the real key to staying fit isn't limited to the number of laps or miles covered but the in the manner in which one covers them. My progress hasn't always been smooth and at times it's downright painful to watch. I've been less than graceful or patient with the pocess and I know this has cost me some ground, but hey I'm still going forward I'm still grateful for every day I can swim, bike and run. I'm grateful for the whatever it is that drives me and grateful for sense to know when I'm being ridiculous. This blog is a great tool, it allows me to vent and ponder. It allows me to express my fears , even if there lame and all in my head. It allows me to shout out and give thanks. It allows me to be me.......... all forms of me............. the good the bad and the ugly.

I'm so glad to be here in this place at this time. I have much to learn and I know that there is a place for me among the world of triathalon. I know someday I'll look back on these humble beginnings and laugh, but in the meantime try not to take myself so seriously..........the serious me isn't much fun to be around.

In many many ways I am a late bloomer and alot of of what I'm experiencing probably should've taken place earlier in my life. But you see, I always played it safe, stuck with the tried and true. I've managed quite skillfully to skirt around the hard stuff and have been content with just getting by. Sure I've had to work hard and my life has had it's share of hard times, but given a choice I tend to gravitate towards the easier path, though signing up for a sprint triathalon in order to learn how to swim might contradict this statement!!

This triathalon is important to me. I never thought in a million years that I would attempt something like this, and so what if it's a only sprint.....that's the beauty of it, a sprint makes it possible for someone like me to even try. The effort, tears, pain and joy are just as real for me as it is for any Ironman. I have to manage my life, my family, my job and myself with as much intention and care. And yes I struggle and it is hard and I bitch and moan. But this thing I'm attempting to do is a big deal for me and at times seems so unobtainable and that's when I get self conscious and give into the worry and doubt. Today I felt so strong in the pool and on the bike. Today I felt like the real me.

Chris ~ I just loved reading this. The last one too, though I doubt I took the time to mention it at the time I read it. This *is* you. This post sounds exactly like you when we're driving in your car, sunny day, windows down, laughing and talking. I love that you're sharing that stuff here, because it doesn't just help you, it helps all of us who read it.

And dude. I am so there on the 17th! Are you kidding me, with the 7am??? I am up at midnight, 2:30, 4:00, 5:30.....6 am is a breeze with a 10 month old. Believe that!