This morning I was on Breakfast TV Montreal talking about mommy shaming, check out the full segment here. ​Ugh, I hate that this blog post even has to exist! But mom shaming is everywhere, and just about every mom has fallen victim to it. I am no different; I encounter mom shaming at least a few times a week! How sad is that?! How sad is it that it is so darn hard for people to mind their own business, bite their tongue, or just simply realize that we are all human beings trying to do our best. It is so silly that MOMS have to be told not to be bullies.

​I will admit it; Before I had a baby I on occasion had judgmental thoughts when seeing other peoples parentings. Maybe it's a toddler who is still sucking on a pacifier, a mom feeding her child a not so nutritious snack or even just having the baby out in the cold without a hat. But you know what? I didn't give them a dirty look and I keep my mouth shut! It is not my business and not my place to comment. I know for a fact that not everyone agrees with my parenting technique. Between the comments on social media and the nasty looks I have got while breastfeeding my baby in the middle of a hockey game at the Bell Center, I know some people think I am making the wrong choices.

​Now, being a mom I do never disapprove of another mothers choices. But I disapprove of moms who publicly judge other moms simply because their lifestyle choices differ. The saying goes, mother knows best, so we need to stop focusing on whose way is best and just do what's best for you. ​

Let's stop the mommy shaming:

If you are the one doing the shaming:1. You first need to accept that your definition of what a good mom is may differ from someone else’s.You are not allowed to tell anyone else how to live their life or what should be important to them. 2. Have friends who parent differently than you.It is beneficial to have a diverse group of friends in general. If you have friends who help you think critically about your decisions, you may benefit more and get more out of whatever the situation is....including raising your children. 3. Realize every mom doesn't want to breastfeed and some want to breastfeed for an extended amount of time.Either way, it is none of your business as long as that child is being fed.4. Realize not every mom wants to stay home. I personally never dreamed of being a stay at home mom. I always saw myself having a career, but life took me down a different path. 5. If all else fails, just keep your mouth shut ;)​Even if your intentions are good. The chances are that mom is already beating herself up over a million other things, no need to add to it.

If you are getting shamed:1. I tend to lean on humor in these situations.​"I'm sorry you're offended by me breastfeeding, but not by every other billboard with a half naked chick on it." 2. Kill them with kindness."That is a great suggestion, but I feel good about the way I am doing things."3. Confront them head on."I like the choices I am making for my child, and you need to be okay with that. If not our relationship needs to change."

​I don't know what it is, but it seems like we try to one up another parent by making our choices seem better than their choices. This is insane. At the end of the day, we are all human beings just trying to do right by our children and our families. So if you are with your baby every second of every day and you breastfeed them until they are three, then good on you. If you go out sometimes and leave your babe with a babysitter, at a daycare or even a nanny and you are feeding them formula, I hope you feel no guilt, and no one makes you feel bad for that. If you are working multiple jobs to support your family and you don't get to see your precious baby as much as you would like, then you are an amazing human being, and you should be feeling nothing but pride for the life you are providing your child. As women, we need to be empowering, helping, and encouraging one another instead of pulling each other down. It is time to end the mommy wars. Okay, rant over.

Hi Angela
Thanks for this post. Even though it's based on a sad note, it offers a positive approach through advice for us moms who feel shame. I feel shame for things even though I don't get actively shamed often, like you - you know why? Because I have judged others. And, while I didn't act those judgements out because (like you said) it's not my place and is not right, I think that judging others made me feel self conscious that I was in turn being judged. It's a great lesson of do onto others as you would have them do onto you. If I think positively and for the best of others I will hopefully feel more confident others will do the same for me.

Overall thanks for the advice to handle shamers and for expressing the importance of women standing with women and not against them!

Xox
Christina

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Sonia

4/24/2017 06:54:36 pm

Hi Angela, i comment positively and love all your posts! I admire you for continuing to try to change this competition between us woman instead of just trying to accept all situations and learn from each other. I learn from you , and i think your the cutest sweetest mom and have an adorable baby! So glad all those mean negative thoughts dont bring you to stop writing andposting i would miss them !! Breast feeding shoud be the most natural action but we have dehumanised lots of things including breast feeding. Anyways have fun summer and i cannot wait to see pictures of your daughter in summer clothes , so fun to dress our babies up eh!! Xx

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Katelyn

4/24/2017 09:24:09 pm

Hey Angela! Thanks so much for this post. I really admire you!! I hope you and your family have an amazing summer together :) and for the record, good for you for breastfeeding at hockey games! I feed my son in public too. Liv is healthy and fed and loved and that's all anyone should care about. Keep up the great mommying!

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yvrgirl

4/24/2017 09:44:42 pm

Great post! My daughter is now 16 and it is only recently that I feel the Mom shaming has ebbed. I had a career with the airlines before her birth and hadn't planned on being a stay at home Mom. But once she arrived, that was the choice me and the Hubs made. We caught grief for it at every turn. I'm proud of the decisions we made for our family and had to find a thick skin for many years. The last person I thought would be so unkind was another Mom...but there it was. Thank you for talking about this. It opens a much needed conversation. We all need to remember we are doing the best we can.

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Marie

4/25/2017 04:07:00 am

Wow! Powerful! Wonderful!
Thank you for using your plateform and writing this because as a mother of an 8 months old, I am going down the same path as you and often have to remind others, mommy shaming is not the way to go. I've got two words for you : Amen Mother and also Thank
You !

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Marie

4/25/2017 04:07:09 am

Wow! Powerful! Wonderful!
Thank you for using your plateform and writing this because as a mother of an 8 months old, I am going down the same path as you and often have to remind others, mommy shaming is not the way to go. I've got two words for you : Amen Mother and also Thank
You !

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Stephanie

4/25/2017 05:04:40 am

This is a great post and so glad you were able to say this on TV too. I still can't believe you were shamed for breastfeeding at a hockey game (well, actually, I can believe it, but still...). I know that as a breastfeeding mom, one of my biggest fears was getting shamed for feeding my daughter in public. I struggled to use a cover, but I found it so hard to get her latched on, and she hates it too. I was worried that if I accidentally exposed myself I would get dirty looks or worse, and it made me anxious about going out. But, then I decided it was not a way to live. There is nothing wrong with breastfeeding in public. Breasts are meant for feeding, and if people aren't offended by half naked women on billboards or even walking down the street someone's, then they shouldn't be offended by seeing my breasts do what they were meant for! I planned out some quick comeback lines in case I were to get judged and I went out and fed my daughter! :) Sorry, not sorry ;)

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HBC

4/25/2017 07:37:54 am

I adore this post ! I am currently 6 months pregnant with my first child (as if that is not stressful enough) and the mom shaming has already started , between how to raise my child, what to buy , to breastfeed or not, how much weight I should gain during the pregnancy, what products are best to buy, when I should go back to work, etc. ... the comments are ridiculous !

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Amy

4/25/2017 08:10:39 am

Amen, Angela! Truer words have never been typed. Us girls have got to stop tearing each other down!

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Holly__c

4/25/2017 09:04:41 am

Bang on with every point. I wasn't able to breastfed my little guy and I pumped solely for months and when I was ready to move to formula, I had some so called "friends" basically (in not so many words) say how terrible I was, how horrible I was etc... to the point where I left their house in tears. Almost 2.5 years later, I'm still hurt by it but with an amazing support system, I've realized their bullying on me- is their issue, not mine.

Keep you're head up. You're doing amazing

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Lucy papa

4/25/2017 09:20:15 am

Angela, as a mother of a 30 year old daughter myself, continue doing what is best for your family and don't bother with the cowards that think they have a right to make nasty comments behind their screens. If you were my daughter, I would be proud of you! Have a great summer with your family and continue taking the high road, very classy. Luv

Omg mom shaming is awful!!!
First of all, even if I see someone doing something that I would never do, I NEVER judge. They are doing what is best for them. Just like all moms are different, all babies are different too! They don't all need a strict sleep schedule, some can sleep anywhere, any time, so you can't judge a mom who had her baby out late. You also can't judge a mom for wanting to be home by 6pm every night because their baby doesn't sleep unless they go through a very specific bedtime routine!
As you said, all moms are doing what they feel is best for THEIR child. I wish the mom community was more supportive.
I also wish that the moms that fall victim to mom shaming understand that it's really not about them, it is the insecurity of the people speaking the harsh words!

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Sonia

4/25/2017 11:08:16 am

I just wanted to add that its very special , you 'll be able to tell your daughter you breastfed her in Bell Center , while daddy was working you were working too :) pretty unique and amazing!!

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Adrianne

4/25/2017 12:30:01 pm

What a great post. I love how you always speak what's on your mind but without it coming across as offensive. I really enjoy your posts.

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Debbie

4/25/2017 02:19:07 pm

A terrifically important post! Kudos on you for bringing it to light, Angela! I've found that the people doing the judging are usually coming from a place of insecurity or even ignorance of the situation. They are trying to make themselves feel better at the expense of others. I've been there, too, but kindness & understanding is the way to go. And kudos to you for breastfeeding in public!

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Shelagh

4/25/2017 04:36:24 pm

Hello Angela,
I have been reading your blog for a while now and I am so impressed with your honesty, especially with this recent post. As a former Montrealer, who is raising her kids in Toronto, I can validate all your frustrations. It is by far, the biggest stressor we face as parents. While my kids are older, I can't tell you how many times I felt like you did. It was a shocker to me. " You let your kids watch that on T.V.?, I would never." ( it was Rocky Horror Picture Show..to date still her favorite movie....and she went into the Arts in HighSchool). Mothers were a constant source of my anxiety while they grew up. Omg it was awful at times.I learnt to block out the nonsence, and relied on a few moms, who were also my friends. It is really difficult to navigate. So if I could give you any advice, and it would be the same as if I were giving it to my daughter who is 21 now, : try your best to ignore these mom shamers. They are everywhere. And thank God you have a husband, and close frends who are non judgemental and just love your kids. Thats all. But I would say my husband was my biggest souce of support. He would often be like..." Who the hell cares what she thinks".....You get really close to your husband on a new level. Good luck. xo

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Chantal

4/26/2017 05:03:57 am

This post. Every mom or mom to be should read! I've had a hard time with my first, and everyone had "suggestions" towards his non stop crying. That and the fact that I did not breastfeed long due to special circumstances contributed a greatly to my post partum depression diagnosis. I also felt like I was being criticized for breastfeeding in public and then when I bottle fed I would get the whole "ohh why is she not breastfeeding" look and today I still feed the need to explain why I chose to formula feed...I should not and try really hard to not to. Like you said, it's none of their business. Happy momma meant happy baby! With my second, her milk protein allergy is under control and the experience has been completely different, formula feeding and proud of it!

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Chantal

5/2/2017 05:50:56 am

I must clarify...I am proud to say that I'm ok with formula feeding. I had a lot of guilt With my first child. With all the pressure of "breast is best", not breastfeeding was a hard choice to make but one that was best for me and for my kids for our situation.

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Stephanie D.

4/26/2017 04:37:17 pm

I breastfed anywhere I had to...this goes back 20 year now and I was never shamed, although I knew it was possible and still is. You breastfeed at the BELL CENTRE? You are my absolute HERO! You go Mama!!!

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goforit

5/2/2017 08:44:54 am

with a successful husband making 6 m a year u can still manage to have acareer angela. u can hire lots of help.. not sure why u didnt a talented girl like u.

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Stephanie

5/2/2017 01:04:48 pm

But it's her choice. There's nothing wrong with wanting to stay home and raise a child.

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boo

5/3/2017 06:11:53 am

yea when uhave millions of dollars just saying..she wanted a career i think deep down..

fightme

5/2/2017 08:47:02 am

BUT THE INTERESTING THING IS, WOMEN DO IT TO EACH OTHER AND PUT OTHER WOMEN DOWN IF THEY DONT STAY HOME or choose not to have kids..OR "MOTHER" A CERTAIN WAY...WE HAVE TO BE THE ONES THAT STOP THIS NEGATIVE TALK.

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Marie

5/3/2017 04:40:41 am

Mommy shaming is the worst. Not only is some of it done by other mothers, but also by nurses (if you choose not to breastfeed). I remember a nurse came to our house and tried to make me feel so guilty for not breastfeeding that I burst into tears. Good thing hubby stepped in and told her to back off. This was one week after giving birth so I was very hormonal.

The other thing that I despise is when I get told: "Well you don't know what giving birth feels like since you had a c-setion." I was in induced labour for 24 hours with back to back contraction during that entire time, I pushed for two hours, but my son's head was too big to fit through the pelvis, so he would never have come out. After all this is when they did the c-section. So the only difference between me and someone who had a baby naturally is that theirs came out when they pushed, mine didn't.

One person, close to the family, told me if I had gone to a midwife, I would have been able to have him naturally. No, I wouldn't. His head was too big.

When it comes to the way other people choose to raise their child, I mind my own business. I think whatever the decision the mother makes, is the right one for her and her baby.