Top Hats and Two Grooms on a Cake, but no Licenses

By CHRISTINE HAUSER

Published: March 21, 2004

Amid the red tulle and heart-shaped balloons adorning the Same Sex Wedding Expo, many gay and lesbian couples explored plans for the weddings they want to have, but for now can only dream about.

''Welcome to Love Land! Welcome to Love Land!'' said a volunteer worker, handing out ''official passports'' to couples streaming into the exhibition at the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center yesterday.

Among the couples were Chris Reynolds and Eric Fallin. They walked arm-in-arm among the booths, pausing to examine expensive Champagne, vacation packages for gay couples, and tables set up by lawyers offering services or advice on domestic partnership agreements and adoption.

The couple drifted past mannequins modeling crisp tuxedos, elegant top hats and white gowns. They examined special wedding cake decorations adapted for gay couples: Instead of the traditional man in black and woman in white, the cake figurines had two grooms. Or two brides.

''That is so cute!'' Mr. Reynolds said.

Mr. Reynolds and Mr. Fallin have had a commitment ceremony; now they want a marriage license. But the state-sanctioned wedding they say they dream about -- complete with a church ceremony, a towering cake, a limousine, lots of candles and ''fabulous satin,'' as Mr. Reynolds put it -- now seems available to them only on the turf of Love Land. It was all part of the third annual Same-Sex Wedding Expo, included for the first time in a larger exhibition at the Javits Center, the two-day GLBT Expo, which is in its 11th year and caters to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender individuals.

''I love him,'' Mr. Reynolds said simply. Mr. Fallin smiled.

''I want to spend my life with him,'' Mr. Reynolds said.

The two men, who have been together for about a year, bought a home together in Atlanta. But like many other gay couples, they are still unable to have the licensed marriage they want in their home town, New York City, or in many other parts of the United States.

The debate over gay marriage has migrated coast to coast, from city offices in San Francisco -- where more than 4,000 gay couples were married before the California Supreme Court stepped in and stopped others -- to Manhattan, where lesbian and gay couples requested marriage licenses earlier this month and were turned down, though three clergy members defied state law on Thursday to perform three same-sex marriage ceremonies on the steps of City Hall.

The debate has touched not only courts but constitutions.

In New York, the mayor of New Paltz and two ministers face charges for performing unlicensed marriages between gay couples. And preliminary votes this month by legislators in Massachusetts moved that state a step closer to amending its Constitution to ban same-sex marriages and establish civil unions for homosexual couples.

But at the Same Sex Wedding Expo yesterday, the prospect of having to fight or wait for the same legal rights as heterosexual couples did little to lessen the determination gay and lesbian couples expressed to plan futures together.

''I am absolutely crazy with work,'' said Lisa Ayn Padilla, a lawyer who helps gay and lesbian clients devise financial plans, domestic partnership agreements and property-sharing arrangements. ''Financially, they are at a disadvantage.''

Near Ms. Padilla's booth, Renee Rotkopf stood over a clipboard couples could sign to register to be united by an interfaith minister at a Manhattan gay pride event in June. The ceremonies are to include a certificate and a flower bouquet, but no marriage license or legal benefits.

''It's symbolic,'' said Ms. Rotkopf, executive director of the Wedding Party, a New York organization that advocates legally recognized marriages for same-sex couples. ''They need support.''

The Wedding Party and Marriage Equality New York, an organization that says it is committed to ending discrimination against gay couples, organized the Same Sex Wedding Expo for the third year. More than 400 exhibitors are taking part in the GLBT Expo, said one of its organizers, Sharmayne Wesler, with 35 booths making up the Love Land area devoted to the Same Sex Wedding Expo.

''Last year we had 19,845 people,'' she said. ''This year it will be the same or higher because there is a lot of focus on same-sex marriage.''

Organizers and exhibitors say gays and lesbians make up a market that generally spends a lot.

''Companies are tapping in to the gay community,'' Ms. Wesler said. ''There is a lot of potential for their bottom line. Plus, it's a fun community.''

The range of exhibitors at the GLBT Expo, which concludes today, suggested there was something for everyone: MetLife Financial Services offered information on domestic partner benefits, and a company called Go Softwear displayed vinyl thongs for men. There were cooking demonstrations and free massages. Men operating a booth promoting a nudist lifestyle compromised for the occasion by tying sarongs around their waists.

Condoms were dispensed free with Milky Way chocolates from a bowl at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine booth, where pamphlets on living with H.I.V. were available. A drag queen in a short, silky kimono, stockings and golden stilettos drew attention to a booth for the East Village restaurant Lucky Cheng's, known for its waiters-in-drag theme.

''Can I take your picture?'' a man asked the drag queen, who went by the name Annida Greenkard.

''It's all about the outfit,'' Annida said after posing. ''It's the first time I've worn a kimono.''

People tried to ride the bucking mechanical bull at the Atlantic States Gay Rodeo Association exhibition, where one of the cowboys donned a sparkly crown.

An ordained interfaith minister who called himself Reverend Glenn of Trees offered to perform commitment ceremonies for $450. ''It's as married as somebody could legally be at this time,'' he said.

Around his neck was a medallion celebrating his relationship of more than a dozen years with his partner, Kelvin Birrell. In his pocket was a small crucifix from which he pulled a tiny wand that he used blow soap bubbles. ''I'm a very irreverent reverend,'' he said.

There was even a Postal Service booth. Why promote stamps at the GLBT Expo? ''Everybody does mail,'' said the clerk, Michael Lubrano.

Photo: Eric Fallin, left, and Chris Reynolds, a gay couple from Atlanta, at the Same Sex Wedding Expo yesterday at the Javits Convention Center, part of a larger exhibition for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. (Photo by Andrea Mohin/the New York Times)