Advertising Feature: The Andrew Mitchell Weight Loss Plan

Conservatives have noticed with approval how the former Chief Whip has whipped himself into shape. He’s now left his post to kick start his own 5 point weight loss plan, which he outlines below:

1: Cycling. I do lots of it. Long interrupted bouts of pedalling will make the pounds disappear
• Top tip: Take control of your exercise programme. “Uninterrupted” is the key here, bike-wise. That Norman Tebbit had the right idea, and he’s a skinny fucker. I did not say “fucker.”

2: Toast. It’s easy to prepare, lots of low fat toppings are available (careful with that butter, Eric) and austerity-friendly.
• Top Tip: You are what you eat. I eat loads of toast. Loads. Enough said

3: Milk. Low fat, great for bones and teeth, prices fixed by supermarkets, which are fixed by us!
• Top Tip. Note to self. Better find out exactly how much it is. Frankly I have no idea.

4: Relax. Don’t let the world prevent you having plenty of down time. Don’t eat too much, and don’t let too much eat you!
• Top Tip: Suggest “We Have all the Time to Spend with our Families in the World” by Louis Armstrong for TV ad

5: Starting your own weight loss plan, building on your fame as a top Tory? Best adopt a pseudonym for your slogan.
• Top Tip: I’m going to call myself “Grant Schapps” in the online campaign. Sure he won’t mind, as he occasionally leaves it unattended. “Get into shape with Schapps”. Note to self: One of those clever Ad men can think of a joke about a “Government Grant”.