Dear Beyonce,

I heard that you caused quite an uproar when you recently rented out an entire floor of a New York City hospital to give birth to your daughter, Blue Ivy.

I couldn’t help but think that you just didn’t know any better.

By now you have surely started to experience the harsh realities of motherhood. I am sure now you realize that you didn’t need an entire floor of a hospital to have a baby.

You seem like a real go-getter, someone who is confident and up for a challenge, so you probably decided to try to breastfeed.

Now you know that you could have given birth in the Buckingham Palace or a broom closet somewhere in the ghetto, and it all comes down to one thing.

That baby needs to latch on to your boob.

No amount of Grammy awards or royalty checks from Destiny’s Child, will take away the searing pain that will rip through your body when that baby latches on, and if she doesn’t -her cries and your feelings of failure will be equally as painful.

After a couple of days of such joy, you were ready to bring the baby home. Oh, when you were ready to leave did you try to squeeze into a fresh pair of Dereon jeans? Were you horrified to find that they didn’t fit?

Oh I think Mariah probably forgot to tell you that She got lipo and a tummy tuck it is hard to lose the baby weight.

If you are like me ( and let’s face it you invented the term “bootylicious” to hide the fact that you have a huge ass,) then you may find yourself wearing maternity clothes until your daughter is 12 3 months.

You are home now, settling into some sort of routine, surrounded by doulas, nannies, nurses and your mother. Of course, you are nursing so you know that even a small army can’t save you now.

You see, as Jay Z snores beside you while you feed your baby in the wee hours of the morning, that it’s all about you.

Only you, Beyonce Knowles, has the milk in the tit.

Isn’t it fun?

When you asked him to put a ring on it, is this what you envisioned??

Maybe for your next single, "Married Ladies" - you can say "If you like it - put a Nuva Ring in it"......

Oh yeah, and remember how cute it was when Jay Z would whisper sweet nothings like “I’ve got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”

Yeah……..not cute anymore.

In fact, I understand that you actually love him so much and think he is so wonderful, that you agreed to name your child “blue ivy” as an homage to his successful chart-topping albums. (A little narcissism never hurt anyone right??? I mean she won’t have to worry about living up to anything……she’ll be fine…..people get named after their daddy’s rap albums all the time.)

Well, don’t be surprised if you aren’t quite as infatuated anymore. The sleep deprivation coupled with his utter uselessness will lead to a slow build-up of utter hatred and disgust.

In fact, you might just look over at him while he sleeps soundly as you feed the baby and want to smother him with your Boppy. The fact that he just picks up his life right where he left off, before he took off one day to watch you push a human being from your body, can be frustrating.

He will return to work with zero regard for who is caring for your child.

If you don't mind - while you are home crying and rubbing lanolin on your nipples - he is just going to do some work with Rihanna.....

After work, he will continue to attend social events with zero regard for who is caring for your child, and without having to wear nursing pads in his bra or worry about sneezing and peeing his pants.

Remember how much fun you guys used to have at the games? Yeah - about that - you can't go anymore - so he gave all your tickets to Kanye West.....

Meanwhile, you will be busy managing your singing and acting careers, your clothing line, and trying to prevent your mother from styling the baby in weird outfits that she created – all while a starving baby hangs off your boob.

Just a heads up, no matter if you give him dirty looks or answer him in short one-word answers, he probably won’t be deterred. The thought won’t cross his mind to leave you alone.

No.

The day will come.

When your sweet little baby is just 6 weeks old, you will go to the doctor. This doctor will give you a clean bill of vaginal health.

At this point you would rather light yourself on fire than participate in intercourse – but there will be nothing you can do because Jay Z will be home waiting for you naked.

This will further your hatred…….but not to worry!!!

It passes.

Soon you will find yourself in bed working on baby #2…..ready for all of this again!!!

Except maybe next time you can plan a home birth so that the peasant mothers like myself can utilize the public hospital facilities…..

Just sayin…….

Your friend,

Lady Goo Goo Gaga

This week instead of voting for me as the funniest mom blogger….if you like it then you should click a share on it. Share on Faceboook so your friends and family can enjoy how ridiculous Beyonce is.

Having to readjust to nursing with each baby was always so painful, even though I knew it was coming.

And what is with people who give their kids names that will cause them painful teasing in school? Just plain Ivy would have been enough, but I guess famous people want their kids names to stand out too. I always feel sorry for the child and wonder what was passing through the parents heads when they picked the name.

Oh good God- you brought back some wretched memories of bleeding nipples!
I’m sure Mariah didn’t tell her about the mattress maxipads in the stretchy gauzy underpants either. Excuse me…I need a drink to drown the memories….
I’m looking forward to more funnyness.

“That baby needs to latch on to your boob.” If you had stopped there, I’d say this was a brilliant and humorous piece – using the media story and controversial act (the rental of the floor) with just enough brevity and wit…

….but instead as I read on, I think – wow, bitter, mean and nasty much? In it’s entirety, this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. True, a better decision could have been made by her than ultimately taking advantage of this public facility, but can’t celebrities (real people who have celebrity) make and learn from mistakes too? What is wrong paying homage to her husband of whom she is in love with and successful and proud?

And so much more rude critique in advance of any reality. She is a mother, and will have to balance her life, as it is, as a mother. And she will cry and be joyful during her many new and continued experiences as a mother. Her life and world are different from yours. She will use resources that she has to assist her, so what? Lucky her! Successful her. If she, fails in any way (and hopefully she doesn’t, who would wish for that on anyone!!??? You?)

Et tu, “Lady [goo goo] ga ga”?

I’m not even writing this as any fan of either Beyonce or Jay Z. I just saw this post link on a fb page.

Instead of writing this diatribe of garbage and negativity under a thin veil of humor and wit (or an attempt of) – why don’t you focus your energy on creating and fostering positivity with your humor. With this as my first and only glance of your blog, it misses the mark.

You certainly can have your opinions and viewpoints, no doubt. You could have accomplished that, made any of the ethical points you wished to point out here, with wit and humor – in fact, you could very well have written much of what you did above, but with a balance of depth and light.

Definitely my favorite post!!!! Hilarious! As someone who works in the healthcare field….and who just recently gave birth….You hit the nail on the head my friend!…..oh yeah, and poor “Jayna”….it must suck to have no sense of humor 😦

Indy was born in a military hospital (and I’m sure you know how state of the art those are, what will all the funding) and Han Solo in a German hospital where we had to pay extra to have a private room and NOT be in a bay with 4-5 other moms (worth every penny, BTW). Having an entire ward seems a bit much. I mean really, why? Afraid there would be other baby germs floating about?

James Bond has always had the ability to drop of to sleep before his head actually hit the pillow (mostly due to catching quick naps during training exercises or fire fights in Iraq-those can really disrupt your sleep apparently). I always kind of admired him for it, but after Indy and (8 years later!!!!) Han Solo were born, I used to sit up (holding the baby in the middle of the night) and stare at him pondering how much difficulty I’d have hiding his body. With all the mom-adreneline, I think I could have pulled it off.

My boys have less than popular names (though not weird or kre8tive) but Blue? Blue? How will she know if someone’s calling her or just talking about the sky or a whale? Also, Ivy is GREEN Be-ay-Z. GREEN, not blue. Way to confuse your kid.

And poor, poor Jayna. She must have a hard life, what, with her sense of humor trapped up her ass and all.

So funny! Although with our first child, my DH got up with me diligently for every feeding for 6 weeks (at which point I thought he should probably sleep at night instead of while he was driving to work …). For the second kiddo–he slept straight through those midnight feedings and there were definitely times I wanted to hit him with a pillow and say, If I’M up, YOU’RE up! I never did but the temptation was there . ..

Some of your observations are witty. You obviously have a sense of humor. However, I have to wonder about a couple of things:

1) Is the source of your bitterness towards Beyonce that she has the means to rent out a hospital floor? Maybe I missed the point, but it would seem that way since you began and ended your missive with a reference to this fact. I’m not a particular fan of Beyonce’s, nor do I despise her. But, it’s a huge leap of logic to presume that just because she leased a hospital wing that she is unfit for motherhood. Speaking from a personal experience in which I shared a room with a young mother who defied her doctor’s orders and kept me awake all night in the throes of pre-term labor … if I had then been able to kick everyone else off of the floor to get my doctor’s-ordered rest … I would have done the same thing! But, surely that’s not your point … is it?
2) Why do you blog … just curious? If it’s to practice the art of writing then you should be prepared for the reality that not everyone who reads you is going to love your work. Certainly, not everyone will agree with you. Jayna made some good points, but was immediately dismissed because her opinion wasn’t in harmony with your world. It’s like a man who claims that a woman MUST be a lesbian just because she won’t go out with HIM. A blogger’s position is neither “right” or “wrong” it’s just “hers”. Nor is it more valid because it was posted first. I’m just saying that by immediately discrediting anyone who disagrees with your point, or offers suggestions, you might be missing an opportunity to improve your craft.

Thanks so much for your constructive criticism. Just so you know, If you could find time when you aren’t doing blog critiques you can actually look up a little background info on the Beyonce story. Although, you seem to think it would be great to not have to listen to your noisy neighbors giving birth there is a little more to the story. There were actual NY families who don’t have the means to rent out hospital wings, that were actually unable to see their newborns due to Beyonce’s diva-like ways.(which apparently you and Jayna think is awesome?)

I don’t recall “dismissing” or “discrediting” Jayna, but instead suggested that she not read any further, as she wouldn’t enjoy my writing. She was already clearly disturbed by my writing, as are you, so I wouldn’t want my “bitterness” to upset her any further.

Again thank you for your 3 paragraphs of critique, I am sure Beyonce and Jayna will love you for it:)

1) I don’t care one way or the other about Beyonce. Thinking that perhaps I had missed an important detail, I took your advice and googled the hospital incident. The hospital denies that Beyonce rented a floor. I’m not going to fact-check further because I DON’T CARE. Feel free to invest some more time on the subject, though, since it apparently bothers you.

3) I don’t spend my spare time critiquing blogs. This one happened to pop up on facebook and the topic sounded interesting. I do, however, spend some of my spare time editing and proofing submissions for a local writers’ co-op that attracts many talented authors.

Again I thank you for your insightful writing critique. While I appreciate the time and energy you are spending on my blog, I think I will probably hold out for the opinion of someone who can count to five.

I think your beyonce hospital facts are off. From what I had read, they did not rent a hospital wing. While she was being moved, or they were heading back to their room, the closed the floor off. It was more like a 5-10minute stop when some mothers could not get immediate access to their babies. Frustrating for all those moms, yes, but not nearly as awful as you makr her out to be. Now, her name choice: not a good one!

Ok all Beyonce fans, I don’t know all the facts about what went down with Beyonce’s birth plan, but I just wrote this post for some light entertainment to poke fun at celebrities. I like Beyonce. I don’t wish her any ill will.

Love it. I know, it’s so ridiculous how much celebs try to make having babies look so trendy and glamorous. I just want to shout at them, they’re not handbags! It’s FOR LIFE people!! I wonder if she worries she’ll pee while she’s up there wiggling her thing!

Wow! Beware anyone who has a different opinion from you and your blog followers.
Neither of the two post that didn’t like the article are trolls. They were using constructive criticism as they both stated things they liked and what they didn’t. And I read through both post a few times to see if they said anything that deserved the back lash that followed.

Although it isn’t pleasant to have people disagree or not like your writing, that is very much a part of writing. Some people will love you and some won’t. I thought your initial response of saying if you think I’m bitter and mean don’t read more was an excellent way to handle someone that disagreed with you.

But making comments about the level of intelligence of the poster does not shine a good light on you or any of the other commentors. Especially considering the post were well written and one poster took your advice and looked up the actual story. It seemed petty. I often wonder if this was an in person group discussion of your work how many people would still say the things they typed to the people who didn’t like it.

I’m a writer and I know it hurts to have people find fault in or not like what you wrote. How you treat the people, even online, who don’t like you means more than how you treat the people that do.

I personally think you are a good writer. This is an excellent satire and you have a way with words. If someone missed the point of your humor (or doesn’t get satire) I could see where they thought you were being bitter. Does that mean they don’t have a since of humor? No it just means it is different from yours.

Thanks Kelly, I guess my issue was more about the fact that I was wasting time defending Beyonce. I have no problem if people don’t like my writing, but those two were arguing with me about Beyonce. I don’t care about Beyonce…this is a sarcastic funny blog where I make fun of people. If people don’t like that and find me to be negative or petty, then they definitely would not enjoy this blog.