Navy Captain Fired After Leading Unauthorized Whaling Expedition

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — The Navy announced it had relieved the captain of the USS Mustin (DDG-89) following an unauthorized whaling expedition during a training exercise off the coast of Antarctica, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Capt. Hikaru Yamamoto led his crew on a modified version of a traditional Japanese whaling expedition in celebration of Asian-American heritage month, Navy Secretary Ray Mabus said.

Yamamoto, who is Japanese-American, allegedly taught his sailors to sing ancient coastal fishing songs “while directing his Fire Control Center to unleash a pair of RUM-139 VL-ASROC anti-submarine missiles into a pod of sperm whales,” a Navy investigator told Duffel Blog, speaking on condition of anonymity.

Navy investigators said the Mustin’s crew were encouraged to pick through the blood-red sea for the choicest bits of whale flesh, while Yamamoto used the 1MC to regale them with the story of legendary whaler Yoshi Tatsuka while brandishing a replica harpoon, identical to the type used by the Ainu people in pre-feudal Japan.

Unfortunately, during the post-hunt feast preparations, the Greenpeace anti-whaling vessel Harmony arrived on the scene. Activists began to hurl insults at the blood-soaked sailors and demand retribution for their crimes. The event quickly escalated after the Harmony began to use high-intensity focused speakers to bombard the Navy crew with Bob Marley and Beatles hits.

After four zodiac boats launched from the Harmony tried to spray the decks of the Mustin with foul-smelling debris and entangle its propeller with industrial grade netting — tactics similar to those used against modern whaling ships — Capt. Yamamoto initiated defensive procedures and ordered one of the ship’s Phalanx guns turned on the activists.

In less than seven seconds all of the smaller craft had been destroyed, and their crews reduced to a fine pink mist by a torrent of 20mm shells. As the last boat sank beneath the waves, Yamamoto turned his destroyer towards the Harmony, sinking her with a Mk46 torpedo and killing all 136 onboard.

Unfortunately for Yamamoto, a sailor on the bridge heard the Captain refer to the Greenpeace activists as “hippy faggots” after the sinking, and immediately reported it to the ship’s Equal Opportunity Advisor. The report led to a full investigation by the Navy, and he was fired soon after.

At press time, Secretary Mabus released the following statement:

“While we laud Captain Yamamoto for encouraging cultural diversity and understanding among his crew by engaging in traditional Japanese activities, intolerance will be punished with the utmost severity. Furthermore, I would like to emphasize that the Navy in no way endorses the views espoused by Captain Yamamoto, and that we have always supported the LGBT community, both ashore and at sea.”

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