On being lonely

I need to quit wondering if I’m a regular guy: the answers I come up with are never too reassuring.

Fitting in is a common concern for humans, I’m no exception. During cold winters, in the stillness of my bed, I often wonder:

Is it OK to be 41 and not having kids of my own?

What will my readers think if I confess that I fail to achieve most of my goals?

Isn’t my hair too long for a hipster?

Should I pretend I like football, or simply admit that I never cared about dudes chasing the same ball when they could all have their own?

There are no answers to those profound questions, because they’re pointless, and also because no one knows what’s socially acceptable anymore (except for cult Gurus and dictators who make a living out of telling you what to do).

My wife sometimes tries to reassure me, she says that I’m not weird, that I’m just fine, but she’s always supportive, I can’t take her word at face value. I still wonder if I’m not just an oddball, which is the fate of social animals endowed with a brain.

The comfort of belonging in a group was possible back in the troglodytic days when the largest human gatherings didn’t exceed fifty persons, but we’re now seven billion individuals, that’s far too many worldviews to build a homogenous tribe.

To make matters worse the free flow of data on social media reveals a constellation of incompatible tastes and mindsets.

As a result, it’s only fair to feel lonely, drowned in the multitude.

Is it an issue?

Probably, as evolved monkeys, a sense of belonging is vital to our sanity, we have no idea who we the hell are unless we see our own reflexion in someone else’s eyes.

Is there a solution?

I guess so, as long as we’re willing to use our human potential and the particular resources available in this decadent century.

In-terre-net

Internet offers a way for like-minded individuals to connect, regardless their location, gender, nationality or skin-tone. It’s never happened before in the course of human history. Obviously this electronic connection channel is only as meaningful as we make it, Facebook algorithms is no magical recipe for finding your tribe online. But if you’re willing to give something by writing a blog or posting thoughtful comments on somebody else’s, chances are overtime you’ll sympathize with people around topics that matter to you.

Guts

That’s a counterintuitive rule: stepping out of the herd takes you out of solitude. If you voice your opinion clearly and consistently, regardless if it matches the consensus, you act as a beacon for all those who think like you. I started this blog with watered-down self-help posts, trying my best not to offend passers-by. Overtime though, I dared express ideas that outraged many, to gradually win the interest of some.

Stating your own truth loud and clear garanties moments of rejection, but it’s probably the best strategy to attract meaningful connections in the long run.

Reciprocity

Paying attention, as opposed to seek others attention, is also a skillful means to shatter the prison of loneliness, as weird as it may sound. Although I’m pretty bad at responding to emails, I’m aware that if I respond carefully to anyone sharing their difficulties with me, a feeling of connectedness arises, and I get less needy.

For some strange reasons, there’s reassurance in reassuring others, comfort in stepping out of conventions and intimacy in connecting with strangers online. All it takes is baby steps forward.

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I think the reason there’s reassurance in reassuring others is that you do to others you want them to do to you. It’s like I’m giving presents because I want someday someone to give me one. Well, I’m not saying its the only reason, but it is quicker just to reassure yourself directly. I mean just telling yourself the words you want to hear and listen to the reaction in your heart. You always know, when you’re actually scared and are trying to conceal it – it always sounds false, like something’s not quite right. And you always know what’s truth for you – your heart tells you clear and loud – “Yes, it is so! That’s right!” For me supporting myself is very very important. And it means loving myself. I heard about such practice: you come up to a mirror, look yourself in the eye and say “I love you, my dear _____” (insert your name). And it was so unexpectedly difficult for me, I even couldn’t do it! And now, being able to, I still cry every time. I feel my pain of self-resentment for not being a person my parents/society expected slowly melts away and I start really supporting myself, being proud of myself, and giving myself love, that I longed for.

Elisa

Dear Gaël,

it’s interesting to read your post because I feel your words as if they were mine.

By the way I’m also 41, also no kids and failure in achieving most of my goals (hindsight I understood that goals are only a trick of mind, reality is a continuous change).

And I couldn’t agree more that Loneliness is our “best friend”, not only for you and me, but for almost everybody here.

Simpy different people perceive it at a different level.

Shortly, the more empathic you are (compared with surrounding people) the more you will feel it as a pebble in the shoe, the less empathic you are (with psychopathy at the extreme end) the less you will feel the separation between you and your fellows.

This pebble I would call it consciousness.

Since the level of empathy between human beings is very variable, it will be very hard to find somebody whose level is the same as yours. The most of the time you will have to give way to childish demands, which is the perception you may have when an interaction between you and low empathy people happens.

On the other hand the low empathy players will perceive you as boring and goal-less person, sometimes also snobbish.

If you imagine that the level of empathy/consciousness can define also the level of connection between us and everything else, you can understand how people with low empathy (compared with yours) are only capable of weak connections.
Your energy will perceive this as a connection refusal, as an “energetical rejection”, causing in you a state of loneliness.

In fact both low empathy and high empaty people may suffer from Loneliness, but the first one perceives it as a failure in receiving, the second one perceives it as a failure in sharing.

Have a very good day !
Elisa

Astrid

Hello
Of course, we cannot deny the positive effect that the internet brought for connecting. As you said it made it possible through continents, it is making it possible right now.
But why do I have the feeling that the initial idea of befriending similar minded in social media has become forced fake friendships with the only aim of any kind of benefit.. Idk, I just saw many ‘friends’ turning into something I cannot recognize after not receiving what they wanted or after a simple argument. If a friendship can’t take a little storm what about hurricane times..

I guess Facebook is often used as a quick social reward system, there are ways to get a tad deeper online, but as you said, thin skinned FB contact are flaky by definition, that’s one of the reason I don’t hang out on FB since a while.

Hi, I'm Gaël Blanchemain and gr0wing.com is a project: building an online community for the broke and generous who want to use their creativity for a global change.
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