So i am pretty good at writing, i work for a company in idaho where i write side quests and design locations for an MMO.

However, i just began writing on my own project; Interitum and i find my pacing is a little off.... and that its just not as good as the work i do for the company.

Maybe its because i don't have an established universe to work with??

Anyway, here is a snippet for evalution so you guys can help. I KNOW its messy

The game begins with the demon lord deus on his throne, sipping from a glass of wine.
A demon comes into view, and speaks to deus.

Demon: M'lord; the ortus comes a billion stars burn out with his approach, a sign of the coming fire he will rain upon your eniemes.
Deus: Excellent, i feel his power its.... undescribeable ... we must find him.
Demon: I have found him Deus, i will prepare the portal right away.
(deus stands up)
Deus: NO! He is mine to bring into this world, i must get to him first!
Demon: Yes, i will attend to the lower ranks while you are away.
Deus: Yes, do that for me.
Deus gets out of his throne, and opens a portal.
Demon: My lord, be carefull the witch rides tonight.
Deus: She will not stop me, the ortus remebers me and our agreement well i made sure of that.
The demon walks out, and Deus opens up a portal and he and 2 guards enter.They come unto a black room, with the young man aarkand on the floor.
Deus: You two, help him up.
the 2 demons hold up aarkand, he is very groggy and is on his knees.
Deus: Hello aarkand, welecome to interitum, land of eternal life.
Aarkand: Who are you?
Deus: What do you mean who am i??
Aarkand: I don't know you, where the hell am I??
Deus: How could it be......
Demon guard: could he be the wrong one my lord?
Deus: yes... i have no use for this one. He remebers nothing, leaving him vunreble and extra baggae for me.
Demon guard: What shall we do with him?

Deus: Kill him, do whatever... i don't care just be back within the hour i need you in my presence.
Aarkand: Hey i'm right here!
Demon guard 2: Buwahaha thanks m'lord, this is gonna be fun!
deus begins walking towards the portal, aarkand calls out for him.
Aarkand: Wait! Whatever it is you want, im sure i can help.
Deus turns
Deus: Help? You can't help anyone, not even yourself as you are about to find out.
he then exits through the portal
Demon guard: Oh boy, what to do with a young,tender man like this?
Demon guard 2: Bah, set him down and lemme split him. We need to get back soon.
Demon Guard: And i wanted another human slave... alright you do it though.
the two put aarkand on the ground and raise a sword over his head, he is on his hands and knees
Demon guard: a shame to see him go, i'd hate to run into him if he turned into a spirit or a bone walker.
Demon guard 2: This one is far to weak for his body or mind to maifest into a demon after we kill him, so we can make it as slow and painfull as we like.
Aarkand: do what you want, i am sure two pigs can't match what i've endured.
*note the demons have a piglike appearance*
Demon guard: Ha your right! Slow and painfull it is!

One thing that stands out to me right away is that the characters aren't really well defined in this context, but like you said, it is just a snippet. A way to fix this is to take some of the focus off the guards/demons. They don't really need to talk back, and he just needs to talk to one of them. If the Deus guy is an evil leader, he should talk down and disregard his minions. It'll help establish him as an iron fisted leader and not one that's voted it for having the best hair cut or something.

Also, taking the characters to their extremes will help. If the good guy is super good and the bad guy is super bad, it makes it easier to define their motives to the player. If you get a chance, watch Flash Gordon from the early 80's. It has really typical character development with clearly defined good and evil, but they are fleshed out well and have motives that they approach from different angles.

I guess the last thing I think could help is that not all story and context needs to be part of conversation. Think of when you talk to friends. You wouldn't say "Oh, you don't like candy bar wrappers since you just through yours away in that garbage can right there." It sounds un-natural and forced. When Deus tells a guard to hurry back since he needs someone in his presence, it breaks the flow. Deus as a ruthless leader will have strict rules for his guards, so it's implied they wouldn't just go screw around when they're done with a task.

That's just what I got from reading the little bit. It's flow is off, and sadly, that keeps me from being interested in learning more.

You might find some benefit in bringing an experienced proofreader/editor on to play around with your text, too; really nailing the grammar not only makes your game look more professional, but it can also help enhance the pacing of your story and make sure the player reads it the way it's meant to be read.

For example, I might touch up this chunk:

Deus: Kill him, do whatever... i don't care just be back within the hour i need you in my presence.Aarkand: Hey i'm right here!Demon guard 2: Buwahaha thanks m'lord, this is gonna be fun!deus begins walking towards the portal, aarkand calls out for him.Aarkand: Wait! Whatever it is you want, im sure i can help.Deus turnsDeus: Help? You can't help anyone, not even yourself as you are about to find out.

Like so:

Deus: Kill him; do whatever...I don't care. Just be back within the hour. I need you in my presence.Aarkand: Hey, I'm right here!Demon Guard 2: Buwahaha! Thanks, m'lord—this is gonna be fun!<Deus begins walking toward the portal; Aarkand calls out to him.>Aarkand: Wait! Whatever it is you want, I'm sure I can help!<Deus turns.>Deus: Help? You can't help anyone, not even yourself...as you are about to find out.

(Note that I like setting off directions in bold and in angle brackets like that to help distinguish them from dialogue. Not really necessary; I just think it looks cleaner and makes things easier for the coder.)

They may look like small changes to you (because, well, they are), but just a little bit of cleanup goes a long way IMO in enhancing the game's overall presentation.

Life in the Dorms -- comedic point-and-click adventure game out now for Xbox Live Indie Games!

Hey there! The game sounds interesting, but I do so the rushed aspect. That, as well as a few bits of information that are very confusing; ultimately due to grammar. For example:

Demon: M'lord; the ortus comes a billion stars burn out with his approach, a sign of the coming fire he will rain upon your eniemes.

I interpreted this sentence to be:

M'lord; the ortus comes. A billion stars burn out with his approach. It is a sign of the coming fire he will rain upon your enemies.

Little things like adding commas (Shadow!), and placing periods, can make or break a phrase or a sentence structure, completely altering its meaning!

For me, I think you should go a bit further into detail about a few things. For example - Ortus. That reference eludes me. There are plenty constructive ways to get across the point that Ortus is a deity (or something), and that his aura is negative. As soon as I saw Ortus, I assumed that Ortus was the main character.