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Fright Night

By Dick Cavett October 31, 2008 10:00 pmOctober 31, 2008 10:00 pm

A smarter person would make this column about dogs, or Tina Fey’s good looks, or stamp collecting, or The Hanseatic League.

But I fear it has to be about Tuesday night and all that that entails. Since this column has to be turned in to its editor on Friday, you have the advantage of me. So bear in mind that I don’t know what’s happened since noon on Friday.

Soon it will all be over but the celebrating and the sobbing.

And high time. It’s all been sort of fun until recently. I, for one, am now heartily sick of the whole mess.

And I am sensitive to the accusations — “screams” might be more accurate — of media bias by the right wing “base.” So I will say right now that I don’t care who wins.

Just as long as it isn’t He and She.

Just about anybody else will do.

It’s not been easy being the offspring of English teachers and few would agree with me, I fear, that assaults on the English language are a major crime. But would you agree that it’s at least a little unpatriotic to treat our glorious language sloppily? The language of Lincoln, Jefferson and, of course, that unpolitical man who, despite the lack of a college education, somehow turned out “Hamlet” and “Henry V”? (The latter known to Shakespeare actors as “Hank Cinq.”)
I salute Rachel Maddow for being alert to crimes against the mother tongue. For noting, for example, that among the dwindlings of John McCain has been his joining the ranks of those who think “pundits” is pronounced “pundints.” That one mystifies me. Do those who favor this aberration refer to “road agents” as “bandints”? In their “wallents,” do they carry their “credint cards”?

And does it work in reverse? Do they fear for the future of their “descendits”?

Never mind. Let it pass.

Better to worry about Sarah Palin’s taking over the role of Another Oval Office Occupant Who Can’t Pronounce “Nuclear” Correctly.

Herewith, a favor to you, gentle reader, if you dig this sort of stuff. Should you have missed it — in school or out — look up George Orwell’s “Politics and the English Language.” It’s one of those essays so brilliant and entertaining that you’ll return to it as the years go by. (Like me, you may even crib from it.)

Back to our story. There’s one thing virtually nobody questions about John McCain and that is his heroism.

Some well-meaning readers have forwarded stuff to me that questions that heroism during the war. Much of it reeks of Swiftboatism and rankest hearsay. Some would say, of course, But where there’s smoke, there’s fire. This, in itself, is demonstrably untrue. Who hasn’t seen smoke without fire?

In alluding to this nasty McCain stuff I feel a bit like one of the numberless right-wing radio “personalities” (a misnomer, in most cases) who, when rapped for unfairly bringing up something out of someone’s past that has been thoroughly disproved, protests, “I’m not bringing it up, I’m just mentioning it.”

* * *

Among the individuals who, like those on the “little list” from Gilbert and Sullivan’s “Mikado,” will not be missed: that new comet on the horizon, Joe the Plumber. This unfunny Ralph Kramden — not officially a plumber, or even a Joe — seems to have effortlessly captured the imagination of those without much of it to spare.

What will history make of this until-recently anonymous figure who has been elevated by the McCain forces to the level of a Cultural Icon, whose every utterance is treated as if from on high? (Many of his fans, waving their placards in Sarah Palin’s whooping throngs, favor an alternate spelling — “plummer” — of his revered profession.) Did you hear that he has recently required a “manager” — presumably for lecture tours and seminars and think tanks — and a recording contract? (Will he have back-up singers? “Joe and The Plumber’s Friends”?) Risking the appearance of rudeness, I expect America’s ambitious plumber will soon be down the drain.

Is it ungentlemanly of me to confess that I will not miss the pause-free stream of unparsable flapdoodle that issues from the woman chosen by McCain as capable of holding the office held by Jefferson, Lincoln and the others on Mt. Rushmore? Might those carved worthies be scowling in their granite majesty at the thought of someday having to move over a little to make room for Wasilla’s wonder woman?

A recently discovered addition to the list of semi-desirables whose departure from the scene won’t be hard to take is someone called Michael Goldfarb, identified at the bottom of the screen as the latest “McCain spokesman.” Talking to CNN’s Rick Sanchez, the just-a-touch-goonish Mr. Goldfarb asserted that Obama hangs out with many undesirables, including those who are, in his rendering of the word, “anti-SeMETic.”

Repeatedly challenged by Sanchez to name just one such, he proved unable. He kept repeating, “We all know who that is.” I didn’t. (I assume, on reflection, that it’s Rev. Wright. I and others have been giving the McCain squads credit for at least not throwing him in among their desperate closing thrusts. I hope it isn’t just that John can’t think of his name.)

One question I have failed to see John McCain asked when adrift in his pipe-dream world of “victory” and “success” in Iraq is this: What went through his head when his idol, General Petraeus, said that “victory” and “success” are not words to be applied to the Iraq situation? Maybe there is still time for that question.

Do you recall with relish, as I do, the moment when dear Tim Russert, attributing some controversial words to Senator John, was told by McCain, “I don’t know where you got that quote”? Russert’s reply: “I got it from John McCain.” Then he read it out, from one of McCain’s speeches. The senator blinked. A YouTube-ist has conveniently collated this and similar stuff in a priceless item right here. You might want to use it instead of Christmas cards.

But the scariest thing McCain has said — worthy of Scotland Yard’s “Black Museum” of horrors — is one I’ve barely seen commented on.

I heard him say that when the White House phone rings at the dread 3 o’clock in the morning, you don’t want someone picking it up who has to take time to “think and analyze the situation, but someone who will act.” This, coming from a man with the “thinking and analyzing” traits of a snapping turtle cannot help but bring the Cuban missile crisis to mind — and what the world might be today had the Arizona senior been in charge. If it (the world) would even be at all.

On his program at this very moment (that is, in your recent past) I can hear the humor-free Rush Limbaugh saying that he is “being told by my gut” — which is in evidence — that “things are moving McCain’s way.” Interesting, to say the most.

But enough of this bridled hilarity. Soon it will be time to start cutting sandwiches and perhaps selecting a tranquilizer for Tuesday night. And note that I, for one, am not making any confident predictions.

I am just old enough to remember that awful night when Dewey defeated Truman.

**********

Editors’ note: An earlier version of the column used the word “marble” in alluding to Mt. Rushmore; that has been corrected.

With your stature as an astute observer and your current location as an opinion writer on an editorial page I beg of you to not worry so much about offending the sensibilities of either wing in the political system.

After Ms. Palin’s badly informed statements regarding the first amendment and the freedom of the press oppressing her and Joe the “plummer” any fool can see that it is your duty to speak frankly about the prospects of electing her and her ilk.

As for your concerns about Dewey and Truman I think you can rest easy on this one. Mr. McCain’s obstacles are formidable and Mr. Obama is so obviously the man for the times that he has attracted virtually all the moderates and independents to his camp.

Thank you for a succinct and brilliant wrap up of the election season! I too am weary of it and hope that “He and She” will sink back into the undifferentiated potentiality from whence they came, along with their attendant inncubii and succubii!

Thank you for insight on “Hank Cinq”! Duke Ellington also used it as a title – “Sonnet for Hank Cinq”!

Actually, the assault on our native tongue constitutes a capital crime, punishable, one dreams, by a joyride in a tumbrel to the guillotine. Note, too, that I’ve heard–and you may have as well–the less-than-estimable Wolfie Blitzer refer to some dunderhead as a “pundint.” Repeatedly.

The relevant question about McCain’s Vietnam experiences is not his heroism or lack of it. We have to accept that flying bombing missions, surviving being shot down, enduring prison and beatings requires physical courage. And that his perceived service to his nation was at least as strong as personal daring and showing-off in motivating him. Physical courage and perceived service to one’s nation will always be called heroism, especially in a highly political context decades after the event.
No, the more relevant question, lamentably but understandably absent from the campaign, has been about the nature of his bombing missions, and his personal culpability in what can only be described as a war crime – the bombing campaign over Hanoi.

I have entered the following in the bon mot of the campaign contest being run by my circle of friends (Oscar Wilde…call your office):

‘Among the individuals who, like those on the “little list” from Gilbert and Sullivan’s “Mikado,” will not be missed: that new comet on the horizon, Joe the Plumber. This unfunny Ralph Kramden — not officially a plumber, or even a Joe — seems to have effortlessly captured the imagination of those without much of it to spare.’

Good for you, Dick. With only 4 days to go, I am also sick of it, but more fearful than ill. The Swift Boat gang is hard at work as we type. That is not the only thing that has me terrified. The latest proclamation by Sister Sarah that she fears her 1st Amendment rights are being trampled on by the media who are criticizing her Obama attack ads. The brilliant VP pick of John McCain not only doesn’t understand what the VP does, but hasn’t a clue about the 1st Amendment. I weep.

DICK: If you ever get an uncomfortable feeling that you’ve been sidelined, ignore it!
I, and I’m sure many, genuinely look forward to your column, which I eagerly search for these gems born in a Montauk Magical Moment….the flashes of top sense-of-humor in one to three words, sometimes more.
I always re-read the column several times, just to make sure that I haven’t missed any of the Cavettisms.
Makes me say T.G.I.C…..Thank God it’s Cavet-day in the Times!

There are over a million words in the English language. Most Americans seem content with using perhaps 200 of these to communicate, adding nuance with ‘like’ and ‘you know’. Thank you, Mr. Cavett, forskillfully selecting from the larger list to present your eloquent thoughts.

Oh, Dickie boy, the pipes, the pipes are callin. Hopefully, Joe’s fans will find their missing B. Hopefully, ID EE ology will come to be considered at least a misdemeanor. Hopefully, the perorations of fifty million a year basketball stars will not continue to debase our mother tongue.

Another grand read and a much appreciated peek into that cavernous Cavett mind.

As for Joe-the-Everything (at this point), I wondered the other day when McCain said he would take Joe-who-goes-by-Sam to Washington with him, (A) when will the guy even find the TIME to go to Washington what with his book deal and recording schedule and giant new plumbing business to oversee, and (B) did McCain mean “if I become President”, or “regardless of the outcome”?

Maybe McCain will find a place for him on his senate staff if John should miss the brass ring. Perhaps to advise on Israeli/Palestinian affairs, clearly his area of expertise.

Thank you! Finally, someone who understands the Emperor has no clothes! Senator McCurmudgeon’s flaws in judgment and temperament have gone unchallenged. If I hear “My friends” one more time…

The continued mantra of “Sen. Obama ‘wants’ to raise your taxes” is maddening. It is an outright distortion of Obama’s position. McCurmudgeon has a perfect right to question whether Obama’s plan will lead to more taxes, but to state that Obama WANTS to raise taxes is disingenous. The whole saga of Joe the Plumber has been twisted beyond recognition.

Nobody has called the the McCurmudgeon campaign into accountability except Mr. Cavett. Thank you.

Well done not so ‘tongue in cheek’! Of course, what will pass as ‘elitist’ commentary will hardly shake diehard Joe the Plummer types or the diehard rich who tut-tut but lack real social conscience. My first election was McGovern against Nixon — who could believe how that turned out in the wave of young voters like myself back then, who really believed that ‘right makes might.”(No pun intended). Presidential elections and their aftermaths, e.g., Nixon/Bush, have proven that something else is afoot in this process, be it paying the right people, facing the harsh truths about what we REALLY believe when we have to pull that lever or just not believing that ‘my vote’ will count (me in the last election — it was TOO obvious after the first ‘W’ victory how that was going to go). But now, we can make a difference and all of the excellent ‘elitist’ or ‘highbrow’ commentary aside, we have to face the harsh truth of how multi-media has uncovered the reality of mediocrity, shallowness and sheer stupidity which now is commonly trotted out for public amusement, consumption and often, disgust — everybody can be president? Everybody can have their moment on the stage? And since when is the fact that a person, a prisoner of war as a result of his own sheer pigheadedness as a ‘flyer’ (apparently NOT a very good one), because of his incarceration, is qualified to be ‘president.’ And, does being (in McCain’s words), the ‘most popular governor in America’ (how do we know that and besides, since when is Alaska (or any state), the pulse of America?), qualify someone for the same office (physical anatomy aside). Frankly, I’m glad we have a choice of brains and measured thinking in a year when it was clear an incumbent was not going to buy re-election. Let’s hope people of conscience remember to vote. My vote has been in America for 3 weeks now. This year, I wasn’t going to let it slide.

In your second paragraph, wouldn’t you rather have said ” Since this article has to be turned in to its editor…” rather than “into its editor”?
The later, it would seem, would be quite a feat of wizardry.
A fond reader.

Thank you, Mr. Cavett, for stating so eloquently what many of us are feeling right now. As a dinosaur who still cares about spelling and the English language in this age of “R U ok?” text messaging, I also share your concerns about the upcoming election and will be very glad when it is over. I am suffering from a major case of Election Compulsive Disorder and my golf game is suffering as a result. (I have not even watched the Golf Channel in over a month due to my obsession with MSNBC and CNN.) Fortunately my life will go on, even if McPalin-Palin can snatch a victory from what has to be one of the worst-run campaigns in known history. I do, however, fear for those less fortunate than you and I, as well as for America’s young people, who are going into a future where the U.S. may no longer be the greatest nation on Earth.

The pundints say that Barack Obama has spinach in his teeth. Many voters out there may be wondering if Barack Obama has spinach in his teeth. But I will not be one of the many who are currently questioning whether Barack Obama has spinach in his teeth. I want this election to be about bigger things than the Barack Obama spinach-in-his-teeth affair, and as such, I will not be mentioning whether Barack Obama has spinach in his teeth. But it would not be unreasonable for the mainstream media to investigate Barack Obama’s smile for signs that he has been paling around with spinach.

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The host of “The Dick Cavett Show” — which aired on ABC from 1968 to 1975 and on public television from 1977 to 1982 — Dick Cavett is the author, most recently, of “Talk Show: Confrontations, Pointed Commentary, and Off-Screen Secrets.” The co-author of “Cavett” (1974) and “Eye on Cavett” (1983), he has also appeared on Broadway in “Otherwise Engaged,” “Into the Woods” and as narrator in “The Rocky Horror Show,” and has made guest appearances in movies and on TV shows including “Forrest Gump” and “The Simpsons.” Mr. Cavett lives in New York City and Montauk, N.Y.