all good things are wild and free

2 years ago today, I went to Hell

Ronan. 2 years ago today, April 23rd, I went to Hell. I’ve been to Hell a few times in my life and it’s not the place that people think you go after you die and you have lived a life of sin. Hell to me is right here on earth. Hell to me are the things I have experienced while living; half alive. April 23, 2011, I went to Hell. It was your last scan day at Sloan Kettering. Fernanda was with me. I remember every detail about that day as if it had just happened yesterday. The waiting in the waiting room for Dr. Kusher to come out and read us your results. Watching my friend, Doriet, howl like an animal in that same waiting room as she had just been given the news that there was nothing left to do for her daughter, Esther. Grabbing Doriet as she walked by and squeezing her so tightly as I whispered in her ear that we would find something or someone to help. Looking at Fernanda and saying to her, “They have to walk out of here having just being given the news that there is nothing left to do for their daughter. How are they going to leave here? How can that just be it?” I had no clue that 20 minutes later I would be in the exact same situation.

Fernanda and I sat and waited. Dr. Kushner came bursting through the doors, breezing right past us. Fernanda whispered to me, “There he is! Ask him!” I watched his body movements, the way he avoided eye contact with me and rushed right past me as if he didn’t see me waiting there. I knew he did. My stomach dropped to the floor. My name was called to come back and get you as you were waking up from your anesthesia. I couldn’t wait to scoop you back up into my arms, safe and sound. You were groggy, but so happy to see me. You were upset about the bone aspirations in both of your little hip bones asking me why I let them do that to you. I rocked you out back out in the waiting room to try to calm you down. Then the sign of all signs that everything was about to come crashing down. That damn necklace. My “lucky,” necklace that I had worn religiously on every single scan day, broke in two and went falling on the floor. I watched the necklace fall to the floor in slow motion. I swear time stopped. “Dr. Kushner will see you now!” we were told. I grabbed you, Fernanda followed me, and off we went. I felt like I was walking the plank of a pirate ship with a big sword in my back, waiting to be dumped into a sea of blood hungry sharks.

Dr. Kushner was waiting to see us alright, but not in the way that I wanted. He paced back and forth like a caged animal. He couldn’t or wouldn’t look me in the eyes. “The treatment. The treatment didn’t work.” I sat there, shaking, as you played on the floor with some cars or something. I don’t remember much after this except saying to him, “O.k. well, I know you have a plan, because you said you wouldn’t give up on my child, so I’m going to go back to Phoenix, until you figure out what is next.” He called your daddy too at some point. I don’t remember what was said. I remember feeling like my legs were cement and I couldn’t get up off of the chair. Somehow I managed. I also managed to give that Dr. Kusher a hug and say “Thank you. You are a good man.” I said this to a man who was too much of a coward to give me the decency of looking me in the eyes and just simply telling me he was sorry. I picked you up and off we went, somehow managing to make it back to the Ronald McDonald House to pack up our entire life that we had created in a matter of hours to hop on the soonest fight out of there. I did none of this. I threw Coconut Water at the wall and watched it explode everywhere and I told you we were having a Pop throwing party as I sat on the floor with you and Fernanda and we let all kinds of soda and water explode everywhere as we threw it against the wall and all over the floor. You thought this was funny. I did too as I lost a piece of my mind that day, never to get it back again and I honestly don’t miss it at all.

I sat a the basement somewhere while Fernanda stayed with you and let you chase her about. I screamed and cried into the phone to our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. He could barely talk as he know nothing was going to calm me down. I remember him just begging me to get it together, so I could get you home and he promised me we would go from there. I think I said the words, “No,no,no,no,no,no,” over and over again as I could not even form a sentence at this point. Valium somehow came into play I think. The next thing I knew our 10 suitcases that came out of thin air were packed and we somehow managed to get a late night flight out of New York home to Phoenix. Again, not me. That would be the magic of Fernanda. Only she could somehow manage to orchestrate something of that magnitude in the middle of the biggest shit storm of both of our lives. Somehow we survived scan day from Hell to be plopped back to Phoenix. I remember nothing after this. I don’t remember the reunion with your daddy and how the fuck that conversation went. I don’t remember getting home to our house and explaining to your brothers what was happening. It’s as if my memory of the next few days has been erased. I guess that happens when you suffer from something as traumatic as what had just happened in New York. Part of the PTSD I suppose.

Fast forward and here I am 2 years later having survived one of my many trips to Hell and back. Here I am having spent all day today, thinking about you and what I was doing 2 years ago as I was still fighting with everything I had, to save you. Today, I spent much of the day like I have been since your sister was born. Rocking her. Snuggling her. Feeding her. Taking care of her. Listening to my head as it screams for you, but the screaming is a little less now that she is here. Wondering if your sister is you, reincarnated. Is that a real thing? I don’t know, but it crosses my mind. What if it were. How would I feel about that, if it were? Would it make this pain, any less? I don’t know. It’s because of that dimple of hers that I can’t stop thinking of this. That secret dimple that you had on the right side of your face down by your chin. The tiny little dimple that only showed up when you smiled. I think that she has it too and it is freaking me out and making my mind think insane things like, “What if this is Ronan’s way of coming back to me because he saw how much pain I was in and he couldn’t take it anymore so he came back as a baby girl…” You know me and my imagination… wild and crazy. Then there is the other little voice in my head saying, “Don’t be crazy. This is Poppy not Ronan, but she is here to save you too, but in her very own way. Her magical, special, Poppy way.” Whatever the real answer is, Ronan, I’ll take it. Because either way is a gift from you. I know this.

Your Nana is here and it has been wonderful. She is so helpful to me and I love watching her bond with your sister. She is such a good Nana. It is all bittersweet, but I know you would want it this way. You would want us to be happy as much as we are able to, without you here. Tomorrow, your Fairy RoMo is popping into town, just to take a peek at your sister and meet her god-daughter. I am so beyond excited to see her and introduce the two of them. I know it will be love at first sight. I only wished she could have met you as well. Tomorrow, I feel like she will be meeting a piece of you and it is going to be such a beautiful thing to see. Your little sister is one lucky girl to have a Godmother like her as she truly is one in a million.

Alright little man. I’m sorry I haven’t been writing, but things have been busy, yet calm. We are all truly just soaking in this little window of time with your sister as I know how fast the newborn stage goes by. She is a dream and is such a good baby. We are all amazed at how she doesn’t cry. Ever. She is the most peaceful little thing. I guess somebody must have told her how badly we were all needing a little peace in our lives. Thanks, baby doll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams

xoxo

2 years ago today, I went to Hell was last modified: April 23rd, 2013 by rockstarronan

62 comments

Nicole CiongoliApril 23, 2013 - 10:07 PM

Maya, I absolutely love when I get the email notification that you posted again! I can’t explain to you the feelings and emotions I get when I read your words. I am so happy that Poppy is here for you and your family. I can’t agree more with you that it is Ronan’s special way of being with you. Especially that little beautiful dimple! God Bless you and your beautiful family. Take care. You are always in my thoughts and prayers xoxo

Your written recollection of the last days of Ronan’s life is heart rending and clear. The sunlight is shining, helped by Poppy, through your scars, Maya. It will get brighter, but that doesn’t mean Ronan isn’t with you.

Hey Maya, I always look forward to reading your blogs. You are just a very very talented writer and have a way of captivating your audience of readers who I’m sure come from all walks of lie. I have been thinking and praying about Poppy before she was born. So glad she’s there with your sweet family now! I thank God for that little baby PoRo girl!!

A baby that doesn’t cry…. in my book that is a miracle in and of (her)self.
So so very happy for you and Poppy. Thank you for sharing this story about Sloan. My mom heart aches for you…any of us could find ourselves in this position, I am so sorry it had to be you. Or has to be anyone.

your little Poppygirl is so sweet and beautiful. It touches my heart what a wonderful family she has and how strong all of you are. Enjoy every minute with her.
It makes my heart cry when reading what you’ve been through 2 years ago – we all can not imagine what you’ve been through. Amazing how strong you are standing here today fighting for your kids and your family. You are amazing!

I wish none of us knew the hell of being told that there is nothing left to do for our child/children. (My 2 did not die from cancer but i so remember the look on each of the doctor’s faces when they told me they could not do anything else for my sons). No parent should have to live in a world without their child/children.

I am so thankful that Poppy has brought some peace. I agree with you that i am not sure if Poppy’s dimple is truly Ronan’s but either way Ronan had something to do with this gift. FU Cancer!!

My dear Maya… I don’t know to say. Just know that Ronan has entered in the lives and hearts of so many people. We love him, we miss him (even without ever meeting him), he has changed so many lives and One day, his life and your incredible strength and love will change the world…
Take care of you, the boys and the beautiful baby girl. She’s the cutest little thing…and we all love her already so so much.
G

Happy poppy is bringing some joy back to your family. It’s amazing what a new life can bring. I hope that these next few weeks fly for you as I know they are So tough. I actually feel sick when I think of everything you went through. Ronan is loved all over the world 🙂 xxx

you say what I feel but tell no one in many posts. My angel came back to me in my now oldest child. I just know it. mYbe a combo, but he is there too. Many hugs. Enjoy Poppy – enjoy everything you can for Hell endures in one way or another forever. Mine has been 25 years.
wishing you rhe best

Heartbreaking……Ronan would have loved his beautiful little sister so much. I love the last picture of her and see so much of him in that one with her eyes open.

I want you to know that your story is impacting the world, even in little ways. I recently met someone who had 4 kids, but one died as an infant (years) ago. Rather than shy away from the topic I talked to her, said I was so sorry, asked noninvasive questions. I now realize from your story how hurtful it can be for someone to be dismissive…I never want I be that person.

Wow! I never met Ronan or knew pics of him when he was born, but I see him in her for sure! She’s so adorable. I wonder if Ronan was born with dark hair too??? I love what you write about questioning is it Ronan reincarnated. Perhaps it is. But like you say either way Ronan sent her to you. And perhaps it was best she was a girl! No matter what it is….she’s a part of him! So glad you were blessed with her! She’s so sweet!

Poppy is so beautiful Maya. And I see so much of Ronan in her. We all so badly wish Ro was here to be able to meet her. You are the most amazing Mama out there and I don't have to know you to know this. Through reading your blog and reading how much love you and Ro had, forever will have, and how much love you have for him, is incredible. He will always live on in all our hearts, but most importantly, he will live forever in yours.

I love the photo of her with her hand on her face… So many captions like “oh! Really!” “Ooooooo! I have the BEST mommy!” Looks like a little tweety bird. My daughter made faces like that. Thank you for sharing!!! She is so precious! It’s ok to celebrate her life. It’s sad you don’t have Ronan. But you have to keep living for your other 3 as painful as it is. And the joy they bring you will help you endure your minute by minute pain. I’m so sorry you have to live like this… No parent should have to lose a child! Hope your day brings your joy with your little family. 🙂

This post gave me chills…the part about Poppy maybe being Ronan, in girl form. It could be true. You are not crazy! 🙂 Also, your post from two years ago is in my head all the time. I remember that post so well. It made me cry then, made me cry now and makes me cry whenever I think about it. I cannot imagine how you felt. OK, enough sadness…Poppy is perfect. Wether she “is” Ronan or not…she is part of him and a gift from him. I am so happy things are calm and a little peace has come over you/your family. You deserve nothing but peace and happiness. I love you mama Maya. You are amazing!! xo Congrats on that beautiful, perfect baby girl!!

Maya. You are truly amazing and so strong. What a blessing you are to this planet. My heart breaks for you, but at the same time gains courage to take on the hard shit. Thank you for opening my eyes. I’m so sorry it had to be this way though. I love you, and your family. P.S. I think her little dimple is a kiss left by Ronan… leaving a lasting impression on her little chinny chin chin.

Hi Maya! I absolutely believe in reincarnation! I mean, why not?? Poppy looks EXACTLY like Ronan. Maybe not even so much like he did as an infant (idk) but for sure like he did when he was older. Weird. Maybe she is so quiet because Ro has finally found his mama. Maybe that’s why you didn’t dream of him so much, because he was trying his hardest to get back to you. He didn’t have time. I think it makes perfect sense. You may think I’m crazy too but its just too perfect! She didn’t have to look JUST LIKE Ronan, you could have finally gotten one that looks like Woody (ok, the twins kinda do. One of them. A little. Lol). Not a chance with Poppy tho, sorry Woody. The littles (Poppy and Ro) are a perfect combo of you two and I think that’s why they are so amazing looking. She even has Ronan’s hair color. I mean come on! Just curious to know if Dr. JoRo believes in reincarnation. I always like to know what people who actually know what they’re talking about think. Anyway, congrats, she is beautiful! Lots of love to all of you. P.s. I’m not crazy, I promise! Just the sleep deprived mommy of a 13, 11, 3 1/2 and 11 week old. You’re blog is the hilight of lots of my days. Thank you 🙂

Maya, you are so thoughtful to post all those photos of precious Poppy. You know that all of us readers are just gobbling up her cuteness. I especially love the shots of her in the frilly white shorts and the one of her pursing her lips as if to say “oooh la la!” What a doll baby she is. So happy for you and your family to have this bit of paradise in your lives. And I truly think Ronan is shining his light ever so brightly on all of you. He is basking in your happiness.

I really do believe that that Poppy girl will make your life as bright as she can.I really do also believe that she has been taught from Ronan in all the little steps that she will take.I wish all of you a safe life!!!Love you!

Thanks for sharing your pictures of beautiful little Poppy. I know you have been to hell and back, but here is hoping you can now find some kind of balance and happiness. This Ro-mazing little girl is gonna bring you and your family lots of joy. xoxoxo

I will forever be so sad for your angel Ronan and your family who loves him so, but am so happy and grateful for the new love of your life Poppy. I only hope there is a little Ronan in her so that he can enjoy some of the life he was so unjustlly robbed of.

Maya, your writing again leaves me breathless and shocked, smiling and crying at the same time. Your ability with your writing to show what true horror and hell you went through is amazing. As a nurse, recognizing the “professional detachment” that the fuckhead doctor was using at such an insane time is a good lesson to me. I stopped using detachment a long time ago in my practice, often saying to my patients “this just sucks, and I’m sorry”, while looking them straight in the eye as I travel through their own hell with them. It is good for me to hear again so eloquently how destructive the lack of emotion can be. You are doing so much good in the world simply by sharing your pain, and also your joy. I am so awed by how beautiful your new Poppy is. As always, hang in there. We appreciate you so much.

Hi Maya, I don’t recall exactly what Ronan looked like when he was an infant but I can only imagine it was exactly what Poppy looks like in the pic above with the white ruffled bottoms. My God, they are mirror images of each other!!! Poppy is Ronan. I believe Poppy does already know so much and will continue to bring joy and wonder to you all… There is no doubt in my mind that this sweet doll is here for a reason and I do believe that she can be Ronan reincarnated- this doesn’t mean anything bad, negative or weird… and I don’t think it is too hard to imagine.. it just means that sweet Ronan may have come back in the soul of this beautiful Poppy girl… and if you feel this way Maya, go with your gut and just believe….

Maya, baby Poppy is so stinkin cute! Love, hugs, and the best wishes to you and your beautiful family. Glad you have “some” peace and quiet right now. Ronan lives on in our hearts as well…such an awesome little boy.

When a woman is pregnant, the fetal cells actually migrate around a woman’s body – for example cells have been found in women’s brains that have the baby’s DNA, not the woman’s. Fetal tissue remains in the womb as well. So Ronan is physically a part of you forever and since Poppy was created in the same womb, I think she must carry some of Ronan too. I do not believe in reincarnation, but the 3 of you are physically and spiritually connected forever.

Maya, thank you for today’s post. Sometimes I can’t read what you have written. It is just too raw and painful. But I always open the post, in honor of Ronan and all you have been through. Today I thought what the hell, if she can live it, I can read it. Still painful, still raw, still glad I read it. Poppy is your blessing. Thanks for sharing the photos. Peace is what you deserve. Glad it has arrived and spelled Poppy. Hugs, Mary Duggan

I love the pictures of Poppy…she’s simply amazing.
I’m sure you replay so many times and memories in your head…especially during those times 2 years ago. When I read your entire blog in September I cried and cried after that post and for the next months post…you have such a gift to capture your feelings…which has to also be so hard for you. I have a hard time forgetting your thoughts and feelings…and they aren’t my own…I’m sure you will never forget or be able to not feel the associated pain. So much of it doesn’t make a bit of sense in the normal order of things…and I hate that kids get cancer.
But no matter what I read that you wrote I think that you are such a great Mom…you make the world a better place simply by being such a good Mom. And…you have so much courage. You always inspire me.
I don’t understand it but these things that are so screwed up really do make us see the light in the small things….hold that baby tight…she has so much.
Take care.
Laura

Maya,
You said it best, “This is Poppy not Ronan, but she is here to save you too, but in her very own way. Her magical, special, Poppy way.” Ronan sent you Poppy because he knew you needed her. I believe Ronan is somewhat re-incarnated in her, as much as that is possible. But even if Poppy isn’t Ronan, she is part of him, sent by him. I’m glad you have found some peace in your life and I’m sending you all positive thoughts and energy.
You are in my prayers,
Chelsea

she is beautiful! part of me does want to believe in reincarnation my daughter was born 20yrs to the day after my grandmother died and my child is the only one in the family with brown eyes like granny! so I do believe a small piece came down from Heaven because I needed that! I can’t imagine your pain but I love your blog and I hope it continues to inspire people to embrace their children and remember childhood cancer Take care, Tammy

I have my iPod on at work today, and while I was re-reading this entry and comments, Ronan’s song came on. Several repetitions later, my eyes are wet – and I was thinking while listening how you’re now able to feel (Poppy) joy through your pain now and how that is really such a great thing for your whole family.

I have never wrote on here before and have been following your story for sometime now due to a friend who lost her son. First I like to say that when I read the way you write it literally brings me to your place of pain I can even see the picture you paint with your words. I cry when I see the pain you and my friend go through. I have two children of my own a girl and boy. I love both of my children equally and but share a different bond with each and my bond with my son is like my soul mate which as a parent is hard for me to admit. He is 4 and like you and Ronan is my little buddy trouble maker who makes me laugh everyday and the thought of him or my daughter being taken away is heart wrenching.
what I most admire about you is your honesty, the way you say it how it is. I do admit that I don’t always agree with everything you say, but who gives a shit it is just an opinion and we are all entitled to it. Plus I would never judge a mother that has lost a child because you have no idea what they are going through and as far as I am concerned your allowed to do anything and say anything you want.
I am catholic I go to church everyday and even though I don’t fully practice the moral rights of being a Catholic all the time ( talking behind peoples back, swearing,) I try to be the best person I can be despite my religion. I left the church and went back due to depression and the fact that I am a hypochondriac and needed some spirituality to try and help with this. It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it helps. I know I am rambling and hope you read this as I am getting to my point. I truly believe that god is in all of us. We are all energy and we are all have come from the same place. With this energy I believe it can travel in to someone when one person dies the energy has to go somewhere. I believe that that energy can go where it see fit. I think Ronan’s energy has been with you all along and a part of him is in his Poppy sister. A mother’s instinct is always the right one to follow and if you feel Ronan is in there then he probably is. I am not this weird spiritual person, but have come to my own inclusions as to what we interpret god to be. I hope this helps, as am always looking for the right words.
I am so sorry for your loss, my heart breaks for you and all parents that have ever lost a child no one should ever have to endure that. I hope you find solace in knowing Ronan lives in the energy of your beautiful little Poppy!

Maya, you aren’t crazy to feel that way. I believe Ronan is in Poppy’s heart, and he will send you multiple signs of this throughout her lifetime. You’ll see Ronan in her dimple, in her fiestyness, and you’ll hear him in her laughter. Maybe she isn’t Ronan, but she’s a piece of him that he wanted you to have so that you didn’t hurt nearly as much, and could feel him forever. When you snuggle her, I think he’s right there in your arms too. Ronan can never fully be taken from you, especially not now. Continue to watch for his signs.

Love your blog, and Poppy is just beautiful! So so sorry about Ronan. This is the first time I’m leaving a comment, but my older brother died about Ronan’s age 25 years ago in a tragic accident. I was born about a year and a half after he died. My parents, especially my mom, always posted similarities in appearance and mannerisms that I shared with my older brother who died. I never expressed this to my mom and dad for fear of further hurting them when they were already grieving, but the comparisons were just so overwhelming for me to always hear. Deep down, I resented them, and they made me anxious. I know you know that Poppy is not Ronan, and I agree that she is, just like maybe I was, a special gift from my older brother. However, maybe I’m just telling you what I wish I could have told my parents growing up. Regardless, I know you will be an awesome mom to Poppy!

Dearest Maya,thks for finding a way to keep us updated,i just cant believe how you find some time to update taking care of Little Poppy.This post tioally broke my heart again,this post hits straight to your heart and lets you without a word to say and thats why i dont want to look back at the first post of yours,i dont want to read all that pain you had to deal with,its so heartbreaking.Nobody will never know how your pain is like but it always breaks my heart.But from all of this,i picture your strength Dearest Maya,that thing you have inside your heart of yours that always amazes me,it seems like Mr Sparlky Eyes knows a lot about this,I feel like Mr Sparlky Eyes knows a lot about the secrets of your heart and the miracles they can make.I recently saw the moon a lot and thought a lot of Ronan,and looking at the full moon made me think that it could be a sign from Ronan that he’s happy that Poppy is finally with you while he’s watching over both of you.Your love between Ronan and you is protecting you and Little Poppy.I hope someday you will carry in your arms Little Poppy and go hiking to try to find some little signs from Ronan because he’s and always be watching over you and Little Poppy.Feeling his love right now.Sending lots of love and hopes to you and your adorable family.

I just copied this off of Facebook: DISGUSTING what their priorities are!!

Yes, it’s true. The U.S. government is paying almost $800,000 to find out why snails like sex. We recognize the importance of science but have to wonder why this gets funding while childhood cancer research continues to get shortchanged. (Please note, we are not picking on snails. We love snails. Some of our best friends are snails.) Our point is that billions of our tax dollars are spent on research that we consider to be important but not essential. Childhood cancer research is essential because kids are dying every single day because they lack treatment options. And why do they lack treatment options? In part because we are paying researchers hundreds of thousands of dollars to figure out why snails like sex! What are your thoughts about our funding priorities? Please weigh in. -Mike (Special thanks to Billy Sherwood for alerting us to this article. Here is a link in case you are curious: http://m.cnsnews.com/news/article/feds-spending-880000-study-benefits-snail-sex )

Maya,
I’ve been reading your blog since before you lost your special little Ronan. I’ve often wanted to write you, but never quite knew what to say. I have five very special gifts of my own, and cannot fathom the thought of losing one of them. I often think about your advice when i think I’m having a “bad” day and then I remember how blessed I have been. I just want you to know that you and Ronan have inspired me to be a better mother. I don’t take things for granted anymore. I don’t sweat the small stuff. Your blog, and the raw emotions you share with all of us, has helped to remind me how unpredictable life can be and how quickly the people we love can be torn from us forever. I admire your strength to be able to tell your story and not worry what the world might think. I am so sorry for the pain that you’ve had to endure, and know that nothing will ever erase the heartache. Best wishes to you and your family, and may all your dreams for the Ronan Foundation come true.

I’ve been following your blog for almost a year and it has changed my life. I thought about childhood cancer before I started reading this, but now I realize how greatly it actually impacts the family. In honor of Ronan (and other cancer kids), I donated half of the money I got for my bat mitzvah to help fight childhood cancer.

My husband and I are a wreck after finding out about your sweet angel Ronan. I just learned of your story on a baby community message board I belong to for my 15 mo old boy. I downloaded Ronan’s song and can’t stop listening to it. I can’t even imagine being in your shoes. My sister has a son that has been battling pediatric cancer in Phoenix as well and he’s been in remission for just over a year now. I dont know how she functioned thru any of it. It bugs me so badly the lack of awareness and support this disease receives. I’m going to do everything I can to pass on your story. You’re an inspiration. God bless your family!! Xoxo to Ronan! Congrats on baby Poppy! <3

Oh Maya! I am so convinced that Ronan has returned in Poppy. I have thought it all along but those recent photos really sealed it for me. Those eyes! It is like they scream: Hello! Its me! Ronan!
You have to read Children’s Past Lives & Return From Heaven by Carol Bowman if you are at all curious. It will knock your socks off. They open up a whole new perspective & leave you in awe of what the “other side” can entail. With that said, I think he is back. He needed another lifetime with you.
I love you so, mama. Glad to see that your “new normal” is bringing you some sincere happiness! Peace & a million blessings, T.Gray