Author. Walker. Badass.

food

FOOD. Because we all like to eat, especially this Fat Girl…sometimes a little too much. Since I love to eat, I have decided to try something new and give you a food adventure. Nope, this one is NOT healthy but sometimes vacations are not. So, I would love to hear your feedback on this post and if you want more in the future! The first fatastic (no that is not a spelling error..just say it out loud. Fat…tastic. Get it? Pretty sure it is a hashtag that should be used all the time #Fatastic!) adventure we shall take together is the one I recently went to in Austin, Texas. And boy howdy did my Seester, CallieBear and I eat while we were there. I take food seriously my friends so I don’t mess around and my Seester has inherited this family trait so we always find good places to stuff food in our gobs. So let’s talk about Austin and the food trucks.

Austin is a quirky city but truly it has the best food trucks. I guess they are a thing there because they were everywhere and a lot of them in permanent locations. And by permanent, I mean, they never leave there and some of them are attached to foundations or have their tires flattened. I have never seen so many in a few block radius as I did there. It was like a Fat Girl dream come true…a foodapalooza if you will. If you have never taken a chance at a food truck, you really are missing out. First of all, they usually offer things you will never find in a brick and mortar location and it will be amazing. The food trucks we stumbled upon were quite by accident. We needed dessert (who doesn’t) so we googled dessert places near our hotel and found a chocolate themed place that we decided to give a shot called Holy Cacao located in a cute little place called The South Austin Trailer Park & Eatery. We were super excited to see it was all food trucks and immediately perused the menu. We all decided on something called a cake shake. Ok…picture this…take a slice of your favorite cake and a scoop of ice cream in a blender and turn it on. Why have I never thought of this before? A thick delicious shake filled with cake and ice cream flavors came and we about had orgasms in our mouths over these. For real. They were that delicious. I couldn’t even finish mine because it was so rich…which is a shame. Maybe I should invent a pie shake…because pie. Always pie.

While we were enjoying our orgasmic cake shakes, we discovered a taco stand that was next to it that was hopping. We decided if it was that busy, it must be good. So we came back the next night to eat at Torchy’s Tacos because any mexican food served out of a food truck is something that is scrumdilicious. We all ordered different things and then shared because we don’t care if we share spit when it comes to food. I mean, it is food and we are all friends (or family) and again it is food. The tacos were divine and we ate so much we needed to be rolled back to the car. I mean…fried avocado taco? Salmon taco? Barbacoa tacos? This place had everything every type of Fat Girl could want including mexican street corn. I channeled my inner Mexican here and about did a salsa in my seat while I was eating.

Channel your inner Mexican here…I did. You can see me and CallieBear on the left trying to decide what to shove in our gobs.Roll us back to the car!

The next morning, having not had enough food trucks, we decided to hit one last one we had heard about at the hotel called Gourdough’s Donuts…because donuts. Um…hello. You had me at donut. Who cares what kind. Oh but these donuts….holy deep fried donut heaven…best things I have had in oh I don’t know…FOREVER! I only wish they had them here because I would eat them every day. And watch my waistline expand…I might then become a gordough because they are so huge and so delicious that I cannot even begin to tell you. My mouth is watering right now just thinking about the ooey gooey fried bit of heaven that they are and how they need to be in my belly. We ordered three different ones so we could share (of course) and were handed these fresh fried delights topped with things like strawberries/whipped cream, cinnamon sugar/honey butter and last but not least cinnamon roll sugar/cream cheese icing. I am not joking when I say the sounds that occurred in my Seester’s car while we were eating could only be described as Fat Girl Piggie sounds of eating joy. I even decided it would be a good idea to drop some on my shirt so I could suck on it the whole car ride home and be in donut heaven. Don’t judge. Pretty sure I might have consumed my entire week’s worth of calories in one donut, but I didn’t care. I also might have taken an hour nap in the car afterwards because I was in a sugar coma.

So excited for donuts!Oh yes…this went in my mouth

I shoved so much food in my gob in a few days that I am surprised I could fit into the airplane seat on the way home and didn’t need a separate ticket for the donut alone. But, it was so worth it. A Fat Girl’s gotta eat, right? Or in my case…shove food into my gob and make happy pig sounds while I was eating. Yeah. That happened.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did take you on the first Fatastic Food Adventure but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl making happy pig sounds as I eat and doing a salsa in my chair Running. The experiment continues…

Goals are a good thing and meeting them is fun and exciting. Sometimes goals can be challenging. This last trip to DL, BFF had a goal that I felt was achievable and fun: Eat something Mickey shaped everyday. But we couldn’t eat the same thing twice. Totally acheiveable…I mean this is the House of Mouse. And tons of stuff is Mickey shaped. So away we went with our goal in mind.

First day was the easiest. We usually go and eat at the Critter Breakfast at the Storyteller’s Cafe at our hotel….fantastic buffet that has french toast I swear is coated in crack. But they also have another favorite of mine…Mickey shaped waffles! These lovely little gems always make me smile. How can you not smile as Mickey is smiling up at you from your breakfast plate? It almost is a shame to eat them but they are so good. BFF gets great pleasure out of biting his ears off first and then going in for the kill and eating his face. It is quite funny. She says it is better for Mickey that way because he can’t hear you about to eat his face. Should I be scared of her? So early in the day of day one we had already concluded the first step in our goal…Mickey shaped item eaten. Blam!

Mickey shaped happiness for my tummy

Day two was a whirlwind and we ended up eating at Big Thunder Ranch BBQ for lunch with our soon to be married friends and Twin A. This is another favorite place for us to eat as it is all you can eat bbq and damn good bbq at that…I mean hello. First a buffet and now all you can eat? I was in Fat Girl Disney heaven! That was a no brainer. So as we are sitting eating our fill on bbq chicken and ribs and all the sides, the cast member comes over and gives us the dessert menu. Oh heck yeah we are eating some dessert. I mean we are on vacation and it is family style so it wouldn’t be just two of us eating it. We ordered this giant cookie bake with ice cream and sat their already stuffed to the gills waiting for it to come out. Holy Giant Cookie Goofy! Seriously this was a little bit of heaven with a fresh-baked giant pan full of chocolate chip cookie smothered in ice cream and sprinkles. Bride-to-be tried to be civil by dishing some up on a plate when BFF just took her spoon and dug in…I mean hey…it’s family style right? Groom-to-be followed suit and we all laughed and joined in….demolishing that dessert in minutes flat no matter how full we were beforehand.

The gloriousness that was the cookie dessert at Big Thunder Ranch…can you see what shape the sprinkles are?Demolished in just minutes….

It was after we were done, wanting to be rolled away from the table when BFF mentions she still has to complete day two of her self-imposed goal for the trip. Good lord I sure as heck did not want to think about eating anything Mickey shaped at that point. In fact, the thought of eating something else right then made me want to throw up a little in my mouth. Good thing Bride-to be saved the day and pointed out that the sprinkles on the dessert were…of course….MICKEY SHAPED! YESSSSS! Goal for day two achieved. Seriously. We had already eaten so much that even Twin A commented to BFF in the bathroom that she hoped she wouldn’t get diarrhea from all the sweets we were eating. BFF said she started laughing so hard she almost peed her pants waiting for a stall. I commented that we probably wouldn’t get diarrhea but we might get diabetes. Disney Diabeetus as we quickly called it. Pretty sure that is what you get every time you are there. Disney Diabeetus.

Day three we discussed what to try new to eat that was Mickey shaped that would of course contribute to our Disney Diabeetus. There will still lots of options but none sounded appealing until we went to the bathroom in New Orleans Square. I know, going to bathroom should not inspire you to eat but as we walked by the big restaurant that was located right by the train station, we spotted a little tiny walk up service bar called the Mint Julep Bar. One I probably have walked by a million times, given that I know where all the potties are in the park. What caught my eye as we walked by was a chalkboard sign advertising Mickey beignets. Beignets are these deliecious donuts smothered in powdered sugar so I suggested to BFF that we stop and get some just because they were donuts. And of course…they were Mickey shaped and delicious. So not only did we fulfill our goal for that day but also discovered another must snack for us next time. Also noted, you should not try to talk while eating these as powdered sugar will attempt to live in your lungs causing a coughing fit to end all coughing fits and also end up with both you and BFF covered in powdered sugar.

Mmmmmm….Disney Diabeetus continues

By day four, we knew we had one last day to successfully eat something Mickey shaped to achieve our trip goal. Since we needed to continue our Disney Diabeetus, we decided to head over to the Jolly Holiday Bakery and feed that sugar rush. It was here we had a hard time deciding on either a brownie or cookie shaped like Mickey but settled on the sugar cookie as we couldn’t resist its softness and we knew from its size we could easily share it. After rolling away from that table as well, we were pretty proud of ourselves for competing the trip goal, never once duplicating a snack and still leaving several Mickey shaped items that we had not tried. I mean, we didn’t get a pretzel, ice cream, candy, brownie, candied apple or many many other things. But we did get Disney Diabeetus.

The final Mickey shaped item of the trip…so good

Now that I have made you hungry and carving sugar, I have a BIG announcement to make. This also is why I haven’t been around as much lately. Drum roll please…..my publisher Inknbeans Press (www.inknbeans.com) has asked me to compile a SECOND book! What? Yes, you read that right…a second book full of more crazy Fat Girl Adventures and spreading the Fat Girl Revolution around. This book will also contain more posts that are original to the book and not published on here so make sure you get your copy when it comes out this summer. Now excuse me while I go do a Naked Fat Girl Dance of Joy throughout my living room…and maybe sit down and edit/write or something.

Oh yeah, I didn’t die today. I did complete a goal of eating something Mickey shaped every day of the last trip but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl who has a SECOND book coming out and Disney Diabeetus Running. The experiment continues….

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Around the time for my birthday, BFF and I went down to Phoenix to see The Lion King on Broadway (totally on my bucket list) and she surprised me with a dinner with BFFE and Hubby (now given the title of BFF’s BFFI or Best Friend for Infinity since they are two peas in a pod). It was also their anniversary so the timing was perfect. Sneaky BFF and her BFFI planned this while BFFE and I were at the 3 Day walk the weekend before but they made quite an excellent decision. BFF and I were out shopping at Scottsdale Fashion Square beforehand so we did the oh so trashy thing of changing into our dresses for dinner in the car in the parking garage. That takes some mad skill I tell you. We met at this place called Fogo de Chao which is a Brazilian Steakhouse…oh this was Fat Girl heaven. I had never been to a place like this and I was totally excited. Why? Because what Fat Girl doesn’t get excited by all you can eat meat?

Ok, let me explain how this place works and you will see how quickly I became overwhelmed by the meat. They give you a little card that has a green side and a red side. When you are ready to eat, you turn the card over to the green side and like magic, little meaty leprechauns (pretty sure they are a distant relation to the Mexican jumping leprechaun), people show up at your table with huge skewers of different types of meat that they carve off onto your plate. It was a little frightening how quickly they came to our table….I mean where did they sprout from? One minute there was nobody but the waiter getting our drinks and then we turned our little cards over and…bam!….there were at least four people with different kinds of meat at our table making the rounds. It was like they popped out of some magical portal in the floor that we couldn’t see. And as they left, more of these magical meaty leprechauns kept showing up because we forgot to turn our cards over to the red side. Pretty soon, I had a mound of meat on my plate and I didn’t know how to make them stop coming and molesting me with their meaty choices of goodness. BFFE quickly realized our error and told us to turn over the cards, and all the magic meaty leprechauns quit popping by our table, choosing instead to molest people at another table with their skewers of magic. BFFE and I mistakenly and foolishly attempted to eat some good stuff at the salad bar as well while BFF and her BFFI chose to stick with the meaty choices of goodness. Once we sampled these leprechaun’s goodies and our plates were mostly empty, we turned our cards over to the green side and it started all over again. It was like Fat Girl Meaty Heaven. A Meat Party in my mouth and it was so good. Wait….did that sound wrong?

Did I mention that as well as the meaty goodness that magically appeared at our table, they also tried to lure us into their kingdom with delicious sides and then, once we were stuffed, they brought us a free dessert due to it being my birthday and BFFE and Hubby’s anniversary? I was immediately thankful for a dress so nobody could see the meaty food baby I was growing. This is not a place to eat lightly. You should take my advice and not eat all day so you can stuff as much of that meaty goodness as is possible into your gob. I know I did. Pretty sure I needed to take a meat coma afterwards and that my poop clunked into the bottom of the bowl with its weight from all the meat later (too much information?) BFF and I are for sure eating there again….we love a good Meat Party.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did take a meat coma and get overwhelmed by magical meaty leprechauns but I didn’t die. I am Fat Girl with a Meat Party in her mouth Running. The experiment continues….

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There is this elusive animal at work. It is one that always seems to be within my grasp but then sneaks away when I wasn’t looking. I keep looking and hoping it will call my name to come and grab it, but lately (actually since Jan) it has not. It is called standby. For those of you not in the medical field, standby is when your patient census is down and you have too many nurses scheduled. So, you are placed on standby for your shift meaning that you can get called in at any point but it also means you are possibly granted an extra night off. I keep trying to get it, but the standby Gods just do not want to let me have it. Either I am the only charge nurse on or there are too many patients. So much for our normal slow summer. When I got a message tonight offering me standby, I about squeed like a fan girl about to meet Wil Wheaton. Yes, thank you, I will take this glorious elusive thing. Once I finished doing the Fat Girl dance of joy (which might have looked like Chris Farley dancing), I had to decide what to do with an extra night off. Sleeping is out of the question as I slept all day. BFF is working so hanging out with her is also out. Hmmmm. What to do. Then it hit me! Grocery shop. Yup. I am THAT exciting.

Grocery shopping when you are a Fat Girl can be both a nightmare and a secret joy. I mean, I love food, so shopping for food can be a lot of fun. It’s like putting a drug addict in front of rows upon rows of their favorite drug and allowing them to have all they want. That is what food is like to a Fat Girl, except you can’t live without food. I have sometimes gone into the grocery store, drooling, the concoctions I can make running through my head. And lets just say I am a really good cook, hence why I am fat. So to go grocery shopping is quite fun and exciting for me. Then I remembered that I am on a quest to not be fat. Damn. That means skipping over certain things in the store. Like chips, cookies, ice cream, candy (is Skittles a candy or just a food group?) and the baking aisle in general. All those things that made me fat to begin with. Ever notice when you are shopping as a Fat Girl, that sometimes you get those judgemental looks from people as they glance in your cart? Like they expect to see that jumbo box of Twinkies in there but not the 2 liter of Diet Coke. What? Don’t you wash your sugar down with fake sugar? Or they see all your junk food and I can see that they are thinking “No wonder you are fat.” However, when you are a Fat Girl shopping on a diet, you STILL get those looks. I literally saw and heard two little skinny bitches in the store look at all my healthy choices and snicker to themselves. Really? How is making healthy choices funny to them? I could hear them making snide little comments about how my diet food was not gonna help and I should just reach for a bag of chocolate. I finally turned around and said “Yeah. I’m fat and on a diet. What’s so funny about that? At least I can change the fact that I am fat. You, however, cannot change the fact that you are ugly girls on the inside. And when your alcohol laden junk food filled STD catching years catch up with you and you gain 90 lbs, I call that Fat Girl Karma. Because it WILL happen. So take your skinny little asses away from me before I punch you in the vagina and give everyone else around here something to laugh at. ” I turned around and kept walking to the applause of other shoppers, leaving the mean skinny girls to pick their jaws off the floor and quickly leave the store. I mean, was there a reason for that except for they are mean girls? Nope. And this Fat Girl does not put up with mean girls. I eat them for a snack. Covered in caramel and dipped in chocolate thank you very much. I hate mean girls.

Oh yeah. I didn’t die today. I did however manage to maybe stay home for an extra night and avoid a vagina punching rampage on aisle 2. I am fat girl who doesn’t take any sass from any skinny girls but instead spits them out cuz they taste bitter running. The experiment continues….