Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Every three days, I go to the grocery store to re-fill the only four things I consume. Tropicana Orange Juice, acid-free if my GERD is acting up, chicken, grapefruits, and ice-pops. I like to keep things simple. I go to check out with my goods, and like always, there are about two registers open. I get in line behind two other people and start flipping through a rousing issue of People magazines sexiest bachelor issue. I had just assumed it was the sexiest bachelor issue because the Biebs was on the cover. So I’m standing there, getting the fever all over again, and then this woman rushes up behind me carrying a package of pampers. She is visibly anxious and says, “Can you believe they only have TWO registers open? I need to get home and meet my kids school bus! I don’t know what I’m going to do!” For those of you who are unaware, I was voted “friendliest” in my high-school yearbook, not to toot my own horn. Being the lovely person that I am, I said, “If you only have the diapers, please just go ahead of me.” Yes, I was dying to get home because there was an episode of Jerseylicious burning a hole in my DVR, but I was nice. She was so grateful and appreciative and she said I was really helping her out since her son was going to be home from school soon. Ahhhhhh. Good deed done. And THEN, she pulled the most grimy-ass move to ever take place in a Stop and Shop.

I’m now standing behind this lady and her one pack of pampers, when this gross tween who was wearing a Stuff by Hilary Duff (the Duffsters K-Mart clothing line) track suit comes up behind me with a HUGE basket filled to the brim. Cool, no big deal. However, it became a big deal when that Pampers carrying nappy-headed ho (*please see note at the bottom) goes, “Nicole, there you are. Come up here with me. This girl said we can cut her.” WHAAAAAAT?! You slimy, slime-head. I was baffled as the trashy kid rammed past me with her load of shit.

I am normally a very non-confrontational person. I like to use my loud volume for good and not for evil. But I was not taking this. I was already in a bad mood that day because when I had gotten into my car that morning, I discovered that my favorite lip-balm stick had melted because it was so hot in there. Like I have $7.50 plus tax to spend replacing my lip balm. Anyway, I got up the nerve and defended myself. I told her that I asked her if she just had one item and she said yes, and that’s why I let her cut me. Homegirl turns to me and says, “I DID just have one item….in my hands. We never talked about how much else I had coming on the way.” GRRRRRR. To make matters worse, this lady had the most asshole products in her cart. Lots of produce, which meant taking forever to weigh everything and type in codes (why do you have to put only one apple in each bag?!) About 30 baby food jars. Cases of water, which needed to be hauled out of the cart in order to scan it. DVD’s which had to have the sensors taken off of them using a special tool. The works. And who buys DVD’s from the grocery store?! Correction: who buys DVD’s??? I came up with the best, wittiest, most creative response I could come up with- I told her that she was not cool. Groundbreaking, I know. As those two jerks were yucking it up at their evil doings, the register next to me opened up, and I sucked it up and moved over there. As I was getting my stuff rung-up, I looked over at the gruesome twosome and their register was having problems! Sweet victory! Karma is alive and well. I bet those two were con-artists who use this school bus scam all the time. They were like Sawyer and his lady friend in Lost when they do all their little tricks. Taking advantage of poor, unsuspecting ladies when they are at their most vulnerable state, reading about the Biebs. I had secretly wished that her kid’s bus got home early and a neighbor would call CPS. Maybe in a perfect world. But if it were a perfect world, my favorite lip-balm wouldn’t have melted.

*She actually had very nice hair, like that of a Kardashian. Nappy-headed ho was for dramatic effect.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

ALLLL ABOUT ME.

No, I am not actually a butcher and no, I could not think of a better title for this blog. Multiple times a day, I witness things that make me think, "am I high? What is going on?!" This blog is a way for me to share those tales, along with random rants I need to get out. Warning: There WILL be abrevs. There will NOT be that overly witty tone that bloggers all try to use. If you're not funny in real life, don't try to make it happen here.