3 Ways NOT to Lead Your Fallen-Away Child Back to the Church

If your son or daughter has drifted away from the Church, you're not alone. The Catholic Church is hemorrhaging young people. Half of young Americans who were raised Catholic (50% exactly) no longer identify as Catholic today. Roughly eight-in-ten (79%) who shed their faith leave before age 23.

Some drift away as teenagers while searching for their own identity. Some have been hurt by people in the Church. Others slide into lifestyles that conflict with Church teaching. Many go off to college, connect with non-Christians or skeptical professors, and slowly lose their faith. Some move into the world, start a family, and get swept up in work, hobbies, and family life, losing their faith in the shuffle.

There are lots of stories but most of them share the same outcome: young people leaving the Church.

Of course, we're all desparate to draw them back. (In fact, today I launched a free 4-part video series on how to lead your child back to the Church, which thousands of parents are using. Sign up here!)

But that desperation can sometimes lead us to pursue the right goal with the wrong methods. So if you want to draw your child back, let's look at three strategies you should NOT use. Each of these mistakes will create a wall between your child and his return.

(To be clear, when I say "child" in this article, I'm primarily referring to young adults, not adolescents.)

1. Force him to Mass.

"Ugh! If I could only get him to start going to Mass again!" Maria complained to me, lamenting her teenage son. "It doesn't matter what I do — beg, plead, command, cry — none of it works. A few times I was able to force him to go by threatening to lock his cell phone data or cut his allowance, but even then he just sat in the pew and clearly didn't want to be there."

Counterintuitive? Sure. But if you want to make lasting progress with your child, attending Mass should be the last piece of the puzzle, not the first. It's the final destination, the fruit and consequence of a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, not the cause of it.

You have to lay down other building blocks first in order for the Mass to benefit your child's soul. A priest recently observed to me, "If someone comes to Mass, unwilling and unprepared, he's in great danger of spiritual sickness. As long as our agenda is simply to get people to Mass — if that's all we're trying to do, without any intermediary steps — we're likely making them sicker, from a spiritual perspective."

That idea may seem discomforting, but it goes back to St. Paul, in his first letter to the Corinthians. There he wrote, "A person should examine himself, and so eat the bread and drink the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body, eats and drinks judgment on himself. That is why many among you are ill and infirm, and a considerable number are dying."

Paul was alluding to physical pains the Corinthian people had suffered as a result of not celebrating the Mass with proper reverence, and specifically not recognizing the Real Presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. In our day, it's rare that God strikes down someone with sickness or death just for dozing off at Mass or for casually receiving the Blessed Sacrament. But if we come to Mass unprepared, unfocused, or unwilling to participate, then we could suffer serious spiritual effects. Instead of uniting us to God, the Mass could distance that relationship.

Of course, most parents don't intend this. When they force their child to Mass, they're acting out of good intentions and know that 1) Jesus is present at Mass in a special way, so 2) they should do everything possible to get their child there. This emphasis is spurred on by Protestant culture, which surrounds us, in which the general worship service is viewed as a gateway to full participation in Christian life. If our Protestant brothers and sisters want to lead a fallen-away friend back to the Lord, their first move is to bring him to church. Once there, they know he will find a warm reception, a relevant and powerful message, and an invitation to join a small group community. In other words, if the path of discipleship is a funnel, Protestants place the church service at the top, the beginning of the funnel, while Catholics place the Mass at the bottom, at the end of the funnel.

So next time you're tempted to push and goad your child to attend Mass, even when you know he's deeply resistant, pull back a bit. Don't force him, and don't reiterate that skipping Mass is a mortal sin — that's true, but mostly unhelpful at this stage. Plant other seeds first.

2. Criticize his lifestyle.

Abraham Piper, who drifted away from church as a teenager, has good advice for parents of children who make bad moral decisions: don't lead with moral disapproval. "If he's struggling to believe in Jesus, there is little significance in his admitting that it's wrong to get wasted, for instance. You want to protect him, yes, but his most dangerous problem is unbelief — not partying. No matter how your child's behavior proves his unbelief, always be sure to focus more on his heart's sickness than its symptoms."

Beginning with moral commandments is often a non-starter for young people. If the first thing your child hears is "stop doing that" or "change your life" or "break off that relationship," he will quickly tune you out. You'll never have a chance to make a more persuasive case for his return to God and his Church. This doesn't mean you should just watch silently and passively as your child makes bad decisions. Instead, it means your first approach should be marked by gentleness and patience, not criticism.

Pope Francis has spoken out often against such a "moral commandments" approach. In his first big interview as pope, he explained how introducing someone to Jesus Christ before getting to the moral requirements that flow from that encounter is the best strategy:

"The most important thing is the first proclamation: Jesus Christ has saved you.... Proclamation in a missionary style focuses on the essentials, on the necessary things: this is also what fascinates and attracts more, what makes the heart burn, as it did for the disciples at Emmaus. We have to find a new balance; otherwise even the moral edifice of the church is likely to fall like a house of cards, losing the freshness and fragrance of the Gospel. The proposal of the Gospel must be more simple, profound, radiant. It is from this proposition that the moral consequences then flow....The proclamation of the saving love of God comes before moral and religious imperatives. Today sometimes it seems that the opposite order is prevailing."

Most young people today believe in something called "moralistic therapeutic deism", which places a strong focus on the dos and don'ts of faith (hence the "moralistic" term). But as a parent, your goal is not simply moral improvement or behavior modification. Your goal is reversion, to draw your child into a thriving relationship with Jesus in his Church. Once you do that, the moral changes will inevitably follow.

But let's be frank: this isn't easy. It will involve biting your tongue many times when you feel the urge to rebuke your child, knowing that will likely drive him farther away. Yet as Bert Ghezzi pithily affirms, "The scar tissue will be worth it!"

(Sometimes, moral rebuke is necessary for a child to begin his return to the Church. Wayward children sometimes need someone to snap them out of their moral confusion and say "These decisions are destroying your life" or "You can be so much more if you choose a different path." But it's often better when that correction isn't the first thing they hear and, ideally, when it comes from a trusted friend, mentor, or significant other. Your relationship with your wayward child is likely already tenuous and should be protected at all costs. Don't risk it by leading with a strong rebuke.)

3. Nag him.

Many parents nag, badger, and hound their children — even far into their adult lives — to get them to attend church more often or change their lifestyle. These strategies almost never work and, in fact, they usually have the opposite effect: many people purposely stay away from the Catholic Church just because their parents constantly harp on them.

So commit right now to putting away questions like, "Why are you doing this to us?" or "When are you going to stop being so lazy and come back to church?" It's almost impossible to have your child fully feel your pain, to know how desperately you want him to return to the Church. So it's not worth wasting your energies on nagging him or sending him on a guilt trip.

Even worse than general nagging, though, is passive-aggressive nagging. Sarah, a young adult who had stopped going to Mass, said to me, "I can't stand it when my mom gets on me about church but I hate it even more when she does it by making little comments, or sighs, or when she clucks her tongue. She goes on and on about how my sister goes to Mass and the feeling I get is that she's somehow a better daughter.Ugh! It just bugs me so much. It's worse than if she just came and out said what she thought instead of pretending she was trying to help."

St. John Paul II, perhaps the most effective evangelist of the twentieth century, summed up a better, alternative strategy. He said simply, "The Church proposes; she imposes nothing." Parents who successfully draw their children back to the Church don't nag or force religion on their children. Instead they invite them, gently and respectfully, through warm conversation and unconditional love. Don't complain about your child's deficiencies; invite him to something better. Propose, but don't impose.

I actually think this is a bit simplistic and assumes that everyone who does not go to mass can be treated as a single category. In reality there are many different reasons why people do not go to mass and one helpful approach that i was introduced to was to think about where you would place someone on an alphabet. At the "A" end of the scale you have complete athiests who hate the church and try to undermine it at every opportunity. At the "Z" end of the scale you have daily mass goers who are in full agreement with everything the church teaches. If your child would be placed on say the "A-E" part of the spectrum then yes sure dont force them to attend church. But if he is nearer the "M" part of the spectrum then telling him that not attending mass is a mortal sin, etc. might be the right thing to do. In summary, we need to seek first to understand the peron before taking action.

November 9, 2015

Darryl Dziedzic

Brandon, I'd be happy to offer my guide on "How to Keep Your Teen in Church." Catch me at mass or let me know here and we can get that out to people.

November 5, 2015

Lee Gilbert

One other thing, this business of saying or believing, "Don't worry, they will come back one day," is not the Catholic way. if St Monica had taken that approach, her son Augustine would have died in his sins. No, she prayed, she wept, she fasted and to all of this St. Augustine, Bishop of Hippo and Doctor of the Church attributed his conversion. What a loss for the Church it would have been had Monica not demanded something of herself in the way of prayer and penance. This was not a question of an idle prayer offered to God now and then but of the unremitting beseeching of God, with tears, and with all that was in her power to do. As for me, when my dad would visit me in my rooming house from time to time, he would ask me gently, "Lee, when are you coming back to the Church?" He was the good shepherd seeking out the lost sheep. If the Lord had not smitten me good and hard and with a signature that was undeniably his, I came back to the Church Holy Saturday 1964. He also made it unmistably clear that this grace was brought down from heaven by the prayers of my mom and dad. They were completely unresigned to my having left the faith. They would not have it, thanks be to God!

November 5, 2015

Lee Gilbert

One other thing. How did our families come to this? In many different ways, I am sure, but I am convinced that one significant way is by our families NOT cutting ties with other family members who have left the faith. At Thanksging and Christmas there is your eldest son sitting in a corner in deep conversation with his atheist uncle, his hero. What are they talking about? You may be certain that your son is being evangelized to the kingdom of darkness. You invite your sister who comes to your family gathering with her lesbian friend, both witty and winsome. They left the Church and fire did not fall from the sky. They seem to be happy. They both have great careeers and your eldest daughter admires them so much. Now fast forward ten years you have a feminist daughter and an atheist son, and you wonder how this happened. You did everything you could. But did you? Did you not send them to catholic school? Yes. And you went to Mass every Sunday. Yes. And you said grace before meals and the family rosary during May and October. Yet . . . . into your home you brought the Sunday paper, say the Chicago Tribune. The TV was on for three to four hours every evening evangelizing subtly and sometimes not so subtly against Christ and His kingdom. But you did not thrwo it out. Father had 10 to 20 minutes on Sunday to evangelize you and your family, but you gave the world, the flesh and the devil many, many hours every week to evangelize you family through the mass media. Now you wonder what happened. Judgmental? No, this is what happened by and large.

November 5, 2015

Lee Gilbert

Regarding number 1, when i had fallen away from the Church at age 18 my dad told me kindly that with seven younger children he could not have me living in the house any more, and w he was absolutely right. I understood it completely at the time, too. One thing that seems lost in this discussion is that even when one leves the Church, he is still in a kingdom, but a different kingdom. Morever, the members of this kingdom are evangelical and will try to draw other poeple in, as I in fact attempted to do with my younger siblings. I understand the position of the father who takes the stand that if the child lives in his house he will abide by his rules and go to Mass. This is a great mistake, because it hardens one in the hatred of God and of the faith.

November 4, 2015

Kimberly Hartman

If it helps, I was raised Protestant (mostly Episcopalian), and became an atheist for 10 years. When I realized God really did exist through an unmistakeable personal experience (and I was very reluctant at first), went back to being Protestant. In trying to refute Catholicism as I had tried to refute all religion before, I ended up recognizing the same Presence in the Eucharist. I became Catholic and married one. Everything finally made sense. Now, our eldest two, both daughters, are devout. Our eldest son, just now 21, is an atheist, taking my path. Our youngest two boys, 15, idolizing their older brother, are "questioning". We are close, and still talk about the important things, and I have answers aplenty when they want them, but I don't push. What they need that I can give, I do. What I can't give - the personal experience that brought me to the Church - I can only pray that God gives them. So I do. Hope that helps some.

November 9, 2015

Darryl Dziedzic

Kimberly, the 15 year olds are prime for some solid faith guiding. One thing thing that I use consistently in both my Youth Ministry and with my own teens is: "Tell me more about that?" or " What does that mean?" I found that these questions can really open the door to some awesome dialogue and if I listen, I can help guide our young people to see some truths of the faith without forcing it upon them. Often times that is enough to get them to be more receptive to "the Church."

November 4, 2015

Ken Gustin

Thanks Brandon. Of my three children (24, 23 and 19), only the 19 year old still attends weekly Mass. My two oldest are recent collage grads and both are pursuing the field of medicine, which obviously immerses them in a great deal of science and research. This had given them both the idea that science explains everything, and has left the Church and our Faith in the same category of fairy tales, for people who are just not very bright. I know this is based on a young person's perspective, without much life experience. But I worry that they feel they have found the Truth in science. Initially I made all the mistakes you mention above. But now I simply pray for them everyday and am leaving it to God to bring them back. Please pray for them as well.

November 4, 2015

Maggie McCube

A very thoughtful article. A couple of thoughts:

November 4, 2015

Maggie McCube

A very thoughtful article. A couple of thoughts:

November 4, 2015

Maggie McCube

A very thoughtful article. A couple of thoughts:

November 3, 2015

Timothy Freer

I think we have to ask ourselves in all of this is what does God want? I think God desires a personal relationship with every one of His children. I am a Catholic who has come back to the faith after more than a decade. My wife never really went to church and had little knowledge of Catholocism. I also work with recovering alcoholics and addicts. I tell them first and foremost, before anything, start talking to God. Open up a channel of communication between you and God. Often times they tell me a small prayer is answered, sometimes a big one, or they feel a little better after making time to talk to God. This might be a stepping stone to a more spiritual life that could one day include going to church and participating in the sacraments. The initial encounter that I promote is prayer, He will aid at that point because He wants that relationship with the individual. I

November 3, 2015

Micki Schroeder

However, I absolutely disagree with #1 House rule. I can't control this when they move out, but while under my roof, attendance is required and expected. When I grow old, and they visit, they are also required to bring me. Even if they try their best to tune it out, I see them sing, or catch them listening, or even robotically praying a response. I can only hope and pray that in a moment of making a quick, critical decision in life, that the words the heard, the song they sung, or the prayer they mouthed will come to mind. There are plenty of messages and subliminal negativity, anti faith based items trampling across their hearts and into their minds. Give me that hour of love, mercy and grace. The rest of the article I agree. I too wandered, questioned or tried to hide from what I knew was right. I can't judge, but let them know that I pray God's love infests their very being! Just sayin'

November 3, 2015

Bill Hevrin

As a cradle Catholic, my goal when raising my daughter and two sons was to share my Catholic faith by taking them to church each week and get invvolved in actuvites such as Youth Group, RCIA, etc. as each of my children graduated from high school, they made it clear to me that going to Catholic Mass was no longer necessary. For years I wondered where I went wrong? I tolked to multiple priest in my diocese who told me not to worry. They said they expect kids to leave, but they would come back. Well, based on current studies, these priest were obviously incorrect. My daughter is now in her 30s and attends a non-denominational church while my sons don't go to church at all. This article is exactly what I do. The only thing I would add is to contune to pray for our youn adults that God will allow rhem to see the amazing treasure the Catholic Church. As i now sit in the pew alone each week, my wish is that some day, I will be surprised by one of my children and their family will join me. As much as it hurts, I will never guve up hoping and praying.

November 3, 2015

Dawn Racine

As christian's who were baptized Lutheran and choose to send their boys to a Catholic high school and now attend a non-denominational church. In my opinion - do not agree with your funnel theory on Protestants using church to evangelize. I believe protestants use small groups, volunteer organizations, involvement in communities, and youth groups to evangelize. I believe that Catholics believe conversion comes from attending church. I have a friend that is so concerned about their son leaving the Catholic church that she does not allow her son to attend youth groups of any other faith. He chooses not to attend a Catholic youth group but is interested in attending Young Life (which is not affiliated with any church). She will not allow him to attend. Meanwhile he's being pushed away from the Catholic church along with any influence from a christian organization. How would the Catholic church view this? Is it truly better to be Catholic or do nothing, or be a faithful christian living by the word? I am not being argumentative - I'm truly asking and would love to have advice for this friend. Her son is making bad choices and is not allowed to be with his non-catholic Young Life friends because she is "uncomfortable with the challenges he presents when asking questions about his Catholic faith." Is there a book that can help her address his questions without feeling threatened? I believe her fear is based in not know why she believes in what she believes in her Catholic faith. Please help.

November 3, 2015

Montira Warran

A friend of mine was dealing with this issue with her 2 teen children. She ultimately decided that they'll go back to Mass when they're ready.

November 3, 2015

AnneMarie Miller

Brandon, thank you for this succinct, excellent article! I don't have grown children yet, but I think these are good to keep in mind for evangelization in general. It can be easy for "faithful Catholics," I think, to try and badger our non-Catholic (or non-practicing Catholic) friends to come to Mass with us or berate them for things that they do, but this tactic doesn't really do anything except increase our personal sense of pride and self-righteousness!

November 3, 2015

Lidia Michael

Oops! Hi Joanne. Except that Brandon mentions that some drift away as teens, and also mentions a mother who threatens to take away cell phone and allowance. By mentioning these things,he is lumping in the teens with the young adults already on their own. I think there is a need to treat each age group differently.

November 3, 2015

Lidia Michael

Hi Joanne,

November 3, 2015

JOANNE SCHMIDT

I agree with you, Lidia, but I think this article concerns "young people" rather than kids.

November 3, 2015

Lidia Michael

I have some opposing thoughts on #1. If the person is a minor, living under your roof and being supported by you, then I feel there is justice in requiring that child to attend mass with you. Parents make their kids do things that are in their best interest, such as attend school, go to the dentist, have good hygiene etc. Why should a child get a pass at going to Mass? The parent can respect the child's new found disbelief by not requiring him/her to pray while at Mass , but requiring him/her to be there and to be respectful of others, not to distract them. Also, if there are younger children in the house, the fact that an older sibling gets to skip mass could be waaaay to tempting. All of a sudden, instead of one unbelieving child , you have 3 or four who choose to skip Mass.