* Lets Be Genuine, Not Nice!

I am enjoying reviewing some of the Non Violent Communication work that I have done in the past. Today, I wanted to share this helpful insight from “Being Genuine” by Thomas D’Ansembourg.

As children so many of us take on the role of pleasers with our parents and teachers and other people. This is a strategy that worked somewhat well: We got attention, received praise and felt good about ourselves when the other person appreciated what we did for them. It was one way to get our needs met and to feel good.

Each time mother said “You are a sweetheart for doing that” or a teacher said “You are one of my best students” when you did well in tests, this behavior was reinforced.

And so the belief came about that, in order to get what we want in life, we have to please others. They will give us what we need… and we will feel more in control and secure.

We focused on the external rather than building our own inner resources to get our needs met. You can find out more about what I am referring to, by reading this earlier post about our needs

However, when we are pleasers, we are never really sure if we are “doing the right thing” for the other person. We begin to distrust others reactions and doubt our own qualities or skills.

The other person becomes a judge and critic about to pass judgment on if we are doing it right. And of course, if we aren’t doing it right, then we must be wrong.

Can you see how this undermines our self esteem, confidence and sense of being…

We lose touch with our authentic selves because we are relying on the approval, validation and love from others.

Lets be genuine, not nice!

To be genuine we must put aside our mask of accommodation and pleasing. Instead of thinking of ways to be nice we must come from our authentic heart and soul.

This entails and change in our attention. Before we can reveal our authentic selves to others, we must pay attention to what is going on inside of us. When we shift this attention away from other people we can discover who we are outside of the roles that we play, such as sister, spouse, colleague, friend etc.

To be authentic we must also become open to feeling.

This can be a tough step on this journey to authenticity. When we believe our survival is dependent on pleasing others, we put other people’s wants in front of 0ur own. We start to tune into other people, and dismiss our own feeling and desires. Our own feelings get lost, and many of us end up not feeling very much at all.

Yet, to be authentic we must also open up to what we are feeling and take responsibility for it.

When we rely on others to feel good, we not only lose touch with our genuine feelings, but we also tend to blame others for “making us feel bad”. By taking responsibility for all of our emotions, we find freedom to be our genuine selves.

Take a moment to ask yourself these questions.

Am I expressing the truth of who I am and what I want … or am I accommodating others?

Am I smothering the truth in a mask of niceness?

If the answer is, “but I have no other choice!” Or “I don’t want to upset the other person!” Then you are reinforcing this deep seated belief and fear within you.

We always have a choice to take into account our own needs and the needs of others. As adults we must acknowledge that being authentic and real, doesn’t mean we will be abandoned and unloved as we might have believed at a tender young age.

It takes real courage to face the truth that we are not being truthful to ourselves or the others. The ego mind does not want to be confronted with this!

Yet, it is one of the most empowering steps we can take on the journey towards truth.

You are so much right, Val. It is necessary to find our inner courage and learn to stand at our own legs and with our mind remind ourselves, that we have absolutely as much right to live and just be us, as all others also have. This can take much time to learn, it is not easy, but so much worth it 🙂

Wonderful! So important to be authentic! I have always been a genuine person, say it like it is, and known for that. But somewhere along the career hunt with many disappointments, I lost myself.
As I begin again in following my true desires and beliefs, I have had to walk away from (or they walked away from me) all that I had created by not being entirely true to myself. I lost just about everything. Friendships, jobs, family, home, etc. Everything had to be RE-created to begin again authentically.
Excruciatingly painful, stressful and lonely. Loss of self-esteem and following paths that were so not what was me, left me surrounded by a whole lot of people and choices that no longer fit in my world. It was a painful and very lonely journey.
After over 2 yrs., being more authentic to myself, daring to do what I feared but desired most, I can see my energy shifting. New people are coming into my life. Found a wonderful new home, new ventures, new ideas, etc.
It is worth it!
Thanks for this important topic!

When I think of my lifelong friends, they wouldn’t be considered ‘nice’ people in the way this article means it, they’re genuine people – not superficial, artless, true to themselves, and true to me, regardless. H ❤

Val…this is beautiful truth. You bring up so much that perhaps is lost in the years of trying to please! I very recently spoke the words that “I will not lose myself for another person…not ever again!” And it feels good…and your words, as usual, come at a perfect time!! ❤

I agree and I think there is a change of consciousness from tribe to individual values going now. As people discover their self-worth and unique value that they can contribute to the world. This gives them sense of freedom and independence as they no longer need to cater to expectations of others with fear of being judged.

I think being genuine will allow you to attract the right people unto your life and quote that that states that we are the average of 5 people we surround ourselves with rings true because if we are not, then we are living the life of someone that other people want to see. Not discovering our authentic-self means we would never find our true purpose.

I watch Elliott Hulse channel on YouTube and he has this video which you can find by searching for “elliott hulse don’t be nice” and it’s right on point.

Living from the core, we let go of Ego’s incessant demands and desires for more, more, more. We no longer look to Tweedle Dum or Tweedle Dee to bolster our false self with applause, accolades, approval, and acknowledgment. What do THEY know about who we are meant to be?

Follow Blog via Email

Some of my Community

Val Boyko is originally from Scotland and came to the United States over 25 years ago.
At "Find Your Middle Ground" Val brings together her experience as a life coach and yoga teacher to inspire awakening to our inner wisdom.
This blog is a place of exploration and discovery as we all explore finding balance and peace in the highs and lows of life 💛