Writing for Woman's World Magazine and others. Half critique. Half blog. Half not so hot with math.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Appearing in issue #37, September 15, 2014

Title:A is for Apple

By
Author:Herschel Cozine

Tag line: Was
the apple clutched in the victim’s hand a clue – or just a piece of fruit?

Police characters: Unnamed detective and
his mother-in-law Gladys.

The gist:Local citizen and attorney Forrest Matthews
was murdered.He was found dead at a
party thrown by Frank (a partner in Matthews’s law firm) and Judy Allen, where
there were six guests: Matthews; Bill (worked at accounting firm) and Madeline Smart
(a librarian); Patricia Mills (accounting firm) and Steven (techie type
business owner); and Mary Owens (accounting firm). Judy, Bill, Patricia and Mary were co-workers.
Matthews was found dead in the living
room with a knife in his back and an apple in his hand, apparently clutched
from the bowl of mixed fruit on a nearby table.He had to crawl to the table to get it.

This
information is relayed to Gladys, who loves to stick her nose in her son-in-law’s
cases.She begins to ponder the apple
connection and comes up with every link she can think of much to the annoyance
of the detective: An apple a day; an apple for the teacher; the Garden of Eden;
Isaac Newton; William Tell; Adam and Eve; Snow White; Granny Smith, etc.

Gladys
looked at the list of names and pointed out the killer.How did she know?

Crime scene:The home of the host, Frank Allen.

Clues:The apple and the careers of the guests.

Suspects: All of
the guests.

Red herrings: None.

Solution:Apple is the name of a piece of fruit and
also of a computer.Steven Owens was a
computer expert.Turns out Matthews had
lost a case that led to Steven’s cousin going to prison.

My two cents:WW just loves old lady
sleuths.Author Cozine was smart enough to
pick up on that and has created grumpy Gladys and her detective son-n-law who
knows better than to discuss cases with civilians, but does it anyway to keep
the peace in his home.You gotta’ feel
for him.I may have lost count, but
there are at least two stories that I can think of with these characters, and I
suspect there will be more.

A couple of
little things:

“You said
there were no fingerprints on the knife,” was said by Gladys in this story, but
this fact was never mentioned.I think
some editing was done here that messed with the detail flow. It happens.

I know this
is a cozy but think about it…you’re badly, badly hurt, stabbed for heaven’s
sake.It hurts. You’re bleeding. You’re scared you’re going to die.All you want to do is get help, get to a
phone.Your adrenaline is raging.You’re disoriented from it.Woozy and gasping what might be your last
breath. Terror, panic, and regret may be buzzing around your head, but these
stories always have the victim leaving a clue that takes thinking and
connecting.My killer is a techie, he
works with computers, Apple is a brand of computer, oh look, there’s a bowl of
fruit.I’ll just painfully crawl over
there and grab one and that will help the police figure it all out.Talk about painful; it hurt to read the
solution.

This is not
a criticism of the story but what kind of moron stabs a guy at a house party
that he’s a guest at?Put on a mask and
gloves, wear black, and ambush your victim as he’s getting in his car in the
parking garage.That guy deserved to get
caught.

Anyway, with
all that said, the writing was good, the story flowed well.Cozine is developing his characters for the long
haul.There’s wit and reader sympathy
for the detective.By the way, maybe the
name of the detective was cut here because I’m pretty sure he had a name in the
last story.The clue was in the details
and was not obvious.The only thing I
can complain about, although it was novel, is the improbable scenario of a
dying man connecting apples with computer techies.

11 comments:

I really need to subscribe to WW so I can read every story. Instead, I buy the magazine at the supermarket. Sometimes I will miss an issue, and this is one of them.

I'd like to read the story. I figured out the killer from what you said in the summary, before I read the solution.

I thought exactly the same thing about crawling to get the piece of fruit. If the table was close by, he may have managed to crawl to it, painful as that was. But he'd have to pull himself up to his knees at least, to read the bowl of fruit and pluck that apple out. Right? He'd even have to raise up to get it from a coffee table, I would think, and such a movement would hurt like the dickens if he had a stab wound in the back.

My mystery that was rejected (but made it to Seattle) had a little incident that stretched credibility as well. I've got another mystery simmering in the pot, but I'm not sure the clue is even evident enough.Oh, well.

@ Joyce. I charge for a critique of mini-mysteries, but I am offering you one for free seeing as how you follow my blog and participate on occasion. Let me know if you want to take me up on that offer, but realize I 'say it like it is'. I don't put these critiques on my blog, they are private and go straight back to you. I promise I won't draw blood. Well, maybe one or two drops...but that's it.

Wow! Yes! I would love to take you up on that great offer! And don't worry about the drops of blood. I've got plenty of gauze and Band-aids. And a bottle of Riesling chilling in the fridge.Is there a particular email address I should sent it to? Is an attachment ok?Let me know. I'm excited!

@ Joyce. Send it as a Word attachment in your email to ladyrprter@aol.com. I'll make comments right on the document and send it back all bloodied up. Obviously, I can't guarantee Johnene will buy it... she's rejected lots of my own mysteries...but at least you'll send it off knowing it has a good chance to get under her nose.

@Mary Jo. I didn't get the solution from the title. Or from the tag line for that matter. I never thought about Apple being a computer. And when I read the solution, I just rolled my eyes. It reminded me of the story where the guy grabbed the white knight in the chess game and the detective knew the killer was the guy whose name was the same as the Lone Ranger...or something stoopid along those lines.

I don't care for crabby Gladys either. She's the consummate bad mother-in-law. I'd like to see a story where she gets killed. But we would all know who did it.

Mom on my porch, doing the same jigsaw puzzle she does every day.

Kayla, my granddaughter. :)

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Want help with your story?

My day job puts me in contact with real cops, detectives, FBI agents and DEA guys. I have worked thousands of cases from the homeless guy on the Metrorail who got arrested for jumping the turnstile -- that’s right, arrested for not having a quarter -- to the Tamiami Strangler, a serial killer who strangled hookers along the famous trail in Miami. I produce court transcripts for a living.

Who better to look at your mystery stories to see if the police procedures are true, the clues are solid and the whole thing works? I will not hesitate to point out the good, the bad and the ugly in your story. Both of my WW mysteries made it to Johnene. From there? Cross your fingers.

The line-by-line edit, which also includes grammar, spelling and proofing, will offer suggestions on how to improve problem spots. The cost is $29 payable by PayPal. 72-hour turn around time.

I’ll also take a second look once you’ve revamped your story, but this time I’ll only look for glaring errors assuming all the details you chose to put in you want to stay in.

Send your story as a Word e-mail attachment to ladyrprter at aol dot com, and the fee to PayPal using ladyrprter at aol dot com for the payee

Your tag line is the hook that gets someone interested in reading your work. It's one of the most important lines of your story. Take time to make it sparkle.

Criminals don't always think the crime through--especially if the crime is one of passion or revenge--but don't have them make stupid or stilly mistakes just to get your story written. Make the mistakes something that you just normally don't think about. Like the pruning skin in this story.

You don't always have to have crime scene details to make a mystery story work. Cozy mysteries sell well if you make the characters interesting.

Once again WW chose a story with a female cop and little old ladies. Just remember to use the proper words for the crimes and before you say things like, he jimmied the lock, understand just what that is.

You've only got 700 words. Make them count. Don't waste words on things that don't matter. And NEVER give a clue and then later in the solution change it to the opposite. That's not fair. Just how is the reader supposed to figure it out then?

There are many ways to lay out the solve-it-yourself story. You don't always have to have the reader guess who the perp is. This week's story was presented with a fresh angle. We knew who did it. The question was did she cover her tracks well enough to fool the police?

As writers we often ask the reader to suspend disbelief a bit, but don't overdo it. Keep it as real as you can or you'll lose the reader.

If you have four suspects, have four good motives. Otherwise what's the point in having four suspects? It is almost a sin to have four suspects and not have even one decent red herring in the bunch. That's just a waste of words.

When the reader expects one situation, and gets another, that's really a form of a red herring. I expected a tired old theory and was given the surprise of a fresh twist. As the reader I was tricked...and that's a good thing.

When you reuse characters be sure to make them interesting and likable. Being cranky is not the same as being interesting. Be careful to not let one of them become mean. It's hard to like someone who calls people names and teases them about their not so glorious past.

Don't introduce a main character too late in the story. The reader feels cheated.

You don't always have to have police involved for a mystery to work. Be realistic if you are going to use animals in your story. Lassie wasn't real.

Write in more than one good motive. Two or three people could have done it, but only one has the means and opportunity to go with that motive.

I realize you only have 700 words to get in your story, but use every one of those words wisely. Don't repeat to fill the space. If your story is really done in 350 words, your story is too simple.

Try not to use the same old tired solutions. We're writers. Come up with something new and interesting. Treat the readers to a challenge. If I see one more muddy footprint on a white carpet...I'm going to hurt somebody.

Readers like to follow the same characters. Once you sell a mystery to WW, try building up a following by using the same police characters in future stories. Do us all a favor though... make them likable.

I know I'm repeating myself (talk about deja vu) but please try your very best to come up with a fresh twist or interesting solution that hasn't been done before. We want WW readers to LOVE this mystery page...not become bored with it.

Don't use too many names in your story. It just confuses the reader. The story this week handled this extremely well. You knew who you were reading about from the character's description. It all flowed well and never pulled the reader out of the story.

A short story is really just a very short novel. The same rules apply. Give us characters we will love and care about. Don't have them doing silly things.

Once again we have someone not acting right. Check your facts. Check your facts. Check your facts. Did I mention you should ALWAYS check your facts? Getting the details right should just be a given.

Make sure the solution makes sense. Common sense. Put yourself in their shoes. What would you do? Think? How would you act? Don't throw in a rotten fish just for smell.

Know the proper use of words. Men don't leer at each other -- generally. lol. Don't make up a silly details to fit your story line. Make sure everything works and people act in character.

UPDATE: Woman's World has changed their rights clause.

Q: It used to be WW had FNSR, first rights with a 6-month clause. Has that changed?

A: Yes. It used to be first serial rights which meant the magazine had the right to be the first place to publish the article/story/ poem in North America (USA and Canada) and after the piece ran, you were free to resell it to another medium or to package a collection of your work into a book.

However in 2014 Bauer Publishing has changed to this:

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About Me

Following sixteen years as a travel agent (more travel than money) Jody Lebel switched gears, returned to school and became a court reporter (more money than travel). She swapped jetting off to fun and exotic locations for reporting the cases of murderers, rapists, and thieves who are, by the way, almost never in a good mood. Being assigned to the chief judge in Broward County exposed her to a wide spectrum of cases; from funny to tragic to bizarre to downright creepy. She has reported everything from a homeless guy who had jumped the turnstile on the Metrorail and was now in jail for not having a quarter, to the Tamiami Strangler, a serial killer who murdered six women. ******
Contact me at ladyrprter at aol dot com

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My track record --

I took Kate Willoughby's workshop on how to write for Woman's World magazine. I highly recommend it. Go to her blogspot site at womansworldstyle.blogspot.com for more info.

Then I sat down and wrote my first romance story for WW. That was in July 2012. It sold in November 2012 and appeared in the December 31st issue.