The Top Six Types Of Lousy Lovers

When I first heard about sex, I decided that once I started having it, I never wanted to stop. And that was pretty awesome…until I met my first lousy lover. Which was followed by my second and third and, well, you get the idea. Of course, no one is born knowing all of the tricks and not everyone can instantly match each other in the sack very well. If that were the case, there wouldn’t be a market for sex tips and advice columns, or Cosmo’s recycled articles about how to please Your Man in bed.

Through the magic of Twitter, I have compiled a list of the worst type of (male) lovers. Because I do not have sex with The Womens, I can’t vouch for what makes us lousy lovers.

The Jackrabbit

Shockingly, I’ve seen rabbits have sex, and not because I wanted to (not into the whole “bestiality” thing, myself) and it’s not hot when they do it. It also doesn’t look particularly pleasant for the female. She looks rather embarrassed and ashamed at the same time, almost like “how did I get myself into this situation?” The look on that rabbit’s face pretty much sums up how it feels to be underneath the guy who seems to think that he’s a) trying to break a speed-humping record or b) hammering nails into your vagina. Gentlemen, we all enjoy an impassioned boning session, but a human vagina is not designed for such endeavors to be pleasurable. If you want to jerk off, go into the bathroom, not into us.

The Leg Humper

Now there was a time in the not-so-distant past where dry-humping was the best sort of action we could hope for. I do remember many a “movie night” spent on a couch, where we actually dry-humped our way through such arousing titles as Amadeus and A Farewell to Arms. And oh, did we think we were grown-up or what? Actually, it wasn’t half-bad, if I remember correctly, at age thirteen, I mean, the dry-humping was actually pretty fun. Once penetration was actually achieved, though, dry-humping was sort of left in our early teens for something a bit more titillating. Like, really, anything. Not everyone left dry-humping in our teen years, though. There are plenty of men out there who, rather than strap on a rubber and enjoy a good old fashioned romp in the hay, would actually prefer to come in their pants. I have no idea why. No, really, I don’t. A wet spot is bad enough, but come on my leg on purpose? Thanks, but no.

The Minute-Man

Now, put down the pitchforks, guys, because I get it. It happens and trust me, I find it flattering…most of the time. If I’ve turned you on so much that you can’t last more than twenty seconds? I’m clearly doing something right. But if every single time that we get butt-naked, you can’t manage to get past thrust number four, we need to do some serious talking. I can be very, very understanding, but I can also be very, very frustrated.

The Selfish Lover

After a good orgasm, it’s pretty awesome to just roll over, maybe light up a cigarette and go to sleep, isn’t it? The endorphin rush is intense and nothing leaves me happier than The Big O, except for maybe a nap and a cheeseburger after the Big O. But sometimes The Big O is an elusive beast, especially if there hasn’t been proper foreplay or perhaps if the sex didn’t last very long. It’s times like these when you can run into the Selfish Lover. You’ll know one because he’ll say such things as (this is a direct quote from an anonymous Twitter source): “Women are equal? Just go ahead and get yourself off then.” And then leave. Or maybe roll over and go to sleep without a word. Either way the end result is the same: they get off, you do not, you want to, they do not care. Selfish Lovers can be combined with any other variation of lousy lover.

The ‘Won’t Politely Take No For An Answer’ Lover

Man, it sucks when you’re all fired up and ready to go and the person you’re with shoots you down. Sure, I have a vagina, but it’s happened to me before too and I know it sucks. Rubbing your penis on your partner’s leg whining, “but I waaaant to have sex,” though, isn’t the appropriate way to handle the frustration of the situation, no matter how you may want to. It’s not cute, it’s not dignified, and least of all, it’s not erotic. It has never made me want to then whip off my pants and say “well, when you put it THAT way, I’m all about it!” It’s normally made any chance of sex later on a no-go, because way to really care about how I feel about the situation and make me feel like it matters which orifice you stick your dick into. So long as you get what you want, we’re all good, right? Yeah. Didn’t think so.

The Lazy Lover

Characteristics of The Lazy Lover include an unwillingness to do anything other than be pleasured by you. They don’t believe in foreplay. They don’t particularly care if you enjoy yourself, because really, it’s all about them. The Lazy Lover is lazy throughout the whole experience but may turn into the Selfish Lover at the end, should you not manage to achieve The Big O by yourself. Rather than climb on top of you or spin you around, they’d rather you mount their bologna pony and ride the boner express until they’re done. Then, it’s over! Buh-bye.

Now, I’m sure you men have all kinds of generalizations of terrible types of lousy LADY lovers (just like you gays do, too) and you ladies have other types of lovers that I’ve missed and I’m dying to hear them. So, lay it on me. Bring it, Toy With Me-ers! I’m anxious to have a good laugh over what you come up with. Because we’ve all been there, and we’ve all performed badly in the bedroom before. It’s the way it happens sometimes and there’s nothing wrong with that. Especially if you don’t hump my leg.

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I’m going to take a shot at the female equivalents (in other words, what myself and my friends have been guilty of!)

Rough lady – i.e. either getting carried away and not being gentle enough with the goods, or being too inexperienced to treat them properly. Might be what Kevin’s referring to when he’s talking about the pencil sharpener (Um, yeah, I’ve done that. Sorry guys).

The Dead Fish – when they’re clearly just lying back and thinking of England. (Not guilty!)

‘Princess Entitlement’ – Because the Selfish lover comes in a female variety too. The only difference is the focus on ‘romance’. IS there any such thing as ‘romantic sex’? I’m all about ‘making love’, but let’s be realistic here – sex involves way too many strange expressions and weirdly jiggling body parts to allow much room for romance.

‘Validate me!’ – nothing kills the mood (and probably the hard on) like a constant need for compliments or endless apologies regarding your appearance (luckily, I never suffered that, thanks to the brutal honesty of a male friend ‘You’re naked, you’re willing to have sex with us, you’re the hottest woman on the planet’)

Lindsay

I hate “guy who tries out as many positions as possible” (although that may also be “watches too much porn” guy. As soon as you start to get in a groove he flips you around and tries something new, it’s exhausting!

But in the worst sexual experience I had, the P didn’t even make it into the V. I was engaged in a drunken makeout sesh on my couch with this guy after a first date. I had no intention of sleeping with him (but HE didn’t know that!) and after about 30 minutes of dry humping, he whips it out and starts spanking! Mr. Self-Lover whacked off to my semi-nude body then came all over my belly. I immediately sat up and gave him a big hug, rubbing the cum all over his imitation Ed Hardy tee and whispered in his ear “get out!”

I just broke up with Shy Guy, who was a cross between Boring & Lazy, but with a soucon of insecure. Ugg. No/low lights, no talk, nothing to built the anticipation if there was even a glimmer of a chance that someone might see/hear. Nothing that might remind him of a porn film and cause him to feel more insecure.

Sad thing was, he was great when he was out of his big head and into his little one.

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