Cashews and other assorted nuts

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I’m not sure why I’m wasting my time writing this column. If you can believe anything that the ancient Mayan civilization says, the world will be nothing but cosmic dust by the time that you would be able to read it. Do you realize the implications of what this means? I don’t have to run this through spell-check. Who says that apocalypses are all bad?

I have a suspicion that those crazy Mayans and their doomsday predictions are causing all of the inaction on the whole “fiscal cliff” thing. I picture President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner sitting in a closed-door meeting inside the Oval Office, probably watching Sports Center, drinking beer, eating a bowl of mixed nuts and chatting about this “fiscal cliff” that the United States is rapidly approaching. I see the conversation going something like this:

President Obama: “Hey John, want a peanut?”

Mr. Boehner: “Yes.”

President Obama: “Do you want to discuss the fiscal cliff?”

Mr. Boehner: “I don’t really see why. An ancient civilization figured out a calendar a long, long time ago that suggests the world will cease to exist past December 21, 2012. By my calculations, we’ll never make it to the fiscal cliff, so I’m not too worried about it.”

President Obama: “You’re right John. Are there any cashews left?”

Mr. Boehner: “No.”

President Obama: “That’s too bad. I really like cashews.”

This is the reason I think that the government hasn’t gotten any closer to figuring out our looming economic crisis. It’s the only logical explanation.

I have let this kind of thinking take over my life recently. I haven’t combed my hair, brushed my teeth, shaved or used any kind of deodorant over the past several weeks. I just don’t see the point. Strangely, nobody has seemed to notice.

As I sit here in my own filth writing this, the thought has finally entered my mind that maybe this whole “end of the world” thing just might be wrong. Perhaps it’s just a hoax perpetrated on our present-day world by a couple of trouble-making Mayan dudes several centuries ago.

Let me paint the picture for you. A couple of regular, good-old Mayan guys, we’ll call them Chuck and Allen, were sitting around in their loincloths underneath a palm tree one day back in the 16th century, probably watching Sports Center, when they came up with the concept to screw with us present-day idiots. I can picture the conversation going something like this:

Chuck: “Hey Allen, do you want to hear about my plan to mess with future civilizations?”

Allen: “Sure, but talk fast, though, because ESPN is going to have a feature on how long it’s been since the Chicago Cubs have won a World Series. I want to see it now because their winless streak is bound to end soon.”

Chuck: “OK, here’s my plan. We make this calendar; we put an ending date on in, oh … let’s say 2012, and let the people from that era create their own mass hysteria and widespread panic. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

Allen: “Yeah! That’s hilarious!”

Chuck: “On a different note, have you met those Spaniards that moved in next door? They seem like nice people.”

Allen: “Yeah they seem nice. We shouldn’t have any problems with them. You have to be quiet now because that Cubs thing is coming on. Do we have any cashews?”

The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced this is probably, without a doubt, exactly how it happened. Can you believe that our advanced society fell for a practical joke pulled on us all by a couple guys named Chuck and Allen hundreds and hundreds of years ago? A couple of bored guys sitting around, causing some trouble and just having some fun. I can relate to that. It’s pretty silly when you think about it. Ironically, a more realistic sign of the world coming to an end would be the Cubs winning a World Series.

I hope that you’re reading this right now because that means that we have all survived the world-ending cataclysm and that all is fine and dandy with the world. Well ... except for that whole “fiscal cliff” thing. I guess we still have that to look forward to.

If and when I wake up on Dec. 22, I’m going to celebrate by taking a shower and brushing my teeth. I’d use some deodorant and shave, but there’s no need to get all crazy.