WASHINGTON—Shutting down a regular monthly delivery that had been in place since the Truman administration, President Donald Trump canceled the White House’s subscription to Highlights magazine Tuesday over what he deemed to be rampant anti-Goofus bias. “Everyone’s getting on his case all the time—Goofus has been…

PLAINS, GA—Responding with deadly force to a threat that left the 39th president of the United States in the hospital, Secret Service agents confirmed they opened fire Monday evening on an expanse of slippery flooring that had made an attempt on the life of Jimmy Carter in his own home. “It’s unclear how a hostile…

WASHINGTON—Erupting in praise after the House Speaker set the image as her Twitter account’s header photo, resistance Democrats cheered Nancy Pelosi online Thursday after a viral moment emerged of her sitting quietly and deferring to a roomful of corporate lobbyists. “You get that bread, bitch!” said Twitter user…

NEW YORK—Leaping from a bannister on the upper story of a Manhattan luxury hotel, the president’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani reportedly shouted “you’ll never take me alive!” Wednesday before jumping towards a chandelier and immediately falling three stories onto the floor below. “Good luck catching me as I disappear like a…

WESTERVILLE, OH—Accepting the offer of soft cashmere blanket and complimentary hot fudge sundae, Tom Steyer upgraded to the luxury section of the Democratic debate Tuesday night, complete with hot towels and beverage service. “We like to make sure our high-end candidates like Mr. Steyer are well taken care of, whether…

WESTERVILLE, OH—Immediately freezing as he glanced around the stage at his choice of apparel, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg reportedly muttered, “Oh, goddamnit,” under his breath Tuesday after realizing none of his opponents had dressed up for the debate. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me—I’m the only one…