Tag: Bob Sapp

(“You feel that breeze? That’s all you’ll need to do to make me quit. BEAST OUT.”)

I might be alone in this, but I was under the impression that Bob Sapp had retired from professional fighting and disappeared off the face of the earth the minute after he was ambushed by Ariel Helwani on The MMA Hour. As it turns out, Sapp actually emerged from hiding last year and picked up a victory over Akebono in a kickboxing match at Rizin 2. So technically, this means that Bob Sapp has scored more victories in the past year than Anthony Pettis and Renan Barao combined. What a world.

Anyways, it appears that Sapp will be returning to the cage for the first time since 2013 next month, where he’ll face off with Aori “The Heavyweight Supernova” Gele in an openweight MMA bout under the Road FC banner. While promoting the event at a press conference this morning, Sapp nearly came to blows with Gele and forced Hong Man Choi, of all people, to break up the action. I don’t mean to spoil it, but suffice it to say, the UFC 178 media day brawl it was not.

In fact, Khalidov has more or less built his fierce reputation on the graves of UFC veterans young and old in recent years, notching victories over Jesse Taylor, Rodney Wallace, James Irvin, and Matt Lindland among others. Khalidov continued with his conquest of all things UFC waste-related at KSW 27 last weekend, submitting one-time Gas Station FC contenderMaiquel Falcao with an armbar in the first round of their main event scrap and earning a big pat on the back from the MMA world in doing so.

And that’s the thing; Khalidov has not only been clowning any UFC veteran placed before him since 2011; he’s been doing it quickly. Like, first round quickly. So in light of Bob Sapp’s shocking retirement from the sport, it seems fitting that we should replace the Bob Sapp Challenge™with something more fitting on this legendary day, does it not?

The new rules of the Mamed Khalidov Challenge™ await you after the jump.

“I no longer have a need to go into the ring for 40,000 for a fight when I’m making, well last month it was somewhere in that realm of over 1 million dollars,” Sapp told Submission Radio. “I don’t need to do that any longer.”

Reaction GIFs are the world’s most perfect means of communication. Why waste time typing out actual words about how you’re feeling when you can just link to other people’s facial expressions? The next time you find yourself in a heated comments section, fire off one of these MMA-related reaction GIFs. Use the next page links to move through the list, and enjoy…

And in the good news/bad news category, depending on your perspective, Bob Sapp is still putting food on his presumably massive plate. While that’s good for “The Beast,” it’s not so great for fans of legitimate MMA fights, since Sapp’s preferred method of making money in recent years is to take apparent dives against whomever he is matched up against. To his credit, Sapp actually threw some strikes and attempted some clinch work this time around, and Aleksander actually had to land multiple solid shots before Sapp assumed the fetal position. Once there, Sapp didn’t even tap out; the referee stepped in to stop the pathetic mismatch/collusion.

Following the stoppage, the Russian helped his opponent up and they talked to one another. Then they kept on talking. Lots of talking between these two. Glad we got to witness these friends catch up.

Anyway, that’s Sapp’s eleventh consecutive “loss” and his fourteenth out of his last fifteen bouts. Aleks got back on the winning track after getting choked out by Jeff Monson in his previous bout.

So with all that in mind, it’s rather appropriate that the first promo for Emelianenko’s…we wouldn’t call it anticipated return features a bearish looking Aleksander knocking over children’s sand sculptures and doing his best to look as bored as he was with James Thompson. At least that’s what we think happened. The whole thing is in Russian, so some of the context in that intensely metaphorical chain sequence might have been lost on us. The promo does, however, contain the kind of weirdness that simply transcends the language barrier, so we hope you enjoy it as much as we did. In either case, we can’t wait to see Sapp’s response video.

So what’s the over-under on how long Sapp lasts in this one, anyway? Twenty, dare we say thirty seconds?

For the longest time, we thought Bob Sapp‘s muscles were an extension of his personality, which is to say, fake. Like, Spongebob Squarepants “Anchor Arms” fake. Sure, they looked realistic and everything, but we always believed that underneath all the state-of-the-art makeup and Styrofoam padding was a frail, perpetually horrified struggling actor who just wanted to do some method acting before everything spiraled out of control. Why else would Sapp fall to the mat crying as soon as his opponent even looked at him the wrong way? He’s a sensitive artist that has feels, that’s why.

Unfortunately, Sapp pretty much shattered our universe and proved once and for all that he does posses strength in that Rhinosaur build of his, via a Japanese arm-wrestling tournament that took place over the weekend. Although the tourney featured such actual fighters as Alistair Overeem and Mark Hunt, Sapp absolutely Lincoln Hawked the competition without even breaking a sweat. You know, kind of like how he collects 50k per fight to do the complete opposite.

The entire video is above and also features Kazushi Sakuraba, a Sumo in a track suit, and at least one advertisement that will give you the heebie-jeebies. So basically, it’s every Japanese game show you’ve ever witnessed. Enjoy.

There’s an old proverb that goes “Learn to walk before you run.” I can think of no better way to better describe the ass-whooping you are about to witness. Apparently the gentleman in the blue shorts, packed to the brim with testosterone and hubris, thought that he had acquired the necessary skills to take on the Muay Thai instructor donning the green shorts and Alessio Sakara-esque tatts. Unfortunately, our boy Blue learned everything he needed to know about striking from a Bob Sapp highlight reel. When this kind of dangerous ignorance is combined with an unwillingness to admit defeat until you are slung over the ropes in a heap ala Rampage Jackson, well, you end up slung over the ropes in a heap like Rampage Jackson.

While it’s hard to knock a guy for his fearlessness, we would also like to inform Blue that there is in fact a middle ground between the heavy bag and Tong Po’s cousin to test your skills. Consider that while you’re eating cheeseburgers through a straw for the next week or two.

We don’t mean to judge a book by it’s cover, but when that cover is a 327 lb man who goes by the name Tater Williams, it’s safe to say that he will more than likely end up on the wrong side of a knockout. Scratch that. If anything, a 327 lb dude named Tater Williams should most certainly end up on the RIGHT side of a knockout. His name is freaking TATER FREAKING WILLIAMS, and he uses catchphrases like “Five of these across the sneeze,” and “You’re gonna get ‘that’ about 147 times” in between asthmatic gasps for air. “That” being the aforementioned sneeze punches. Throw in the fact that Tater is apparently “a really great athlete” who has studied judo, wrestling, sambo, and had a high school wrestling record of 226-12* and not only is Tater suddenly looking like a well-rounded Goliath, but one who could demolish the likes of Junior Dos Santos, Cain Velasquez, and Alistair Overeem. At the same time. While in a diabetic coma.

Sadly, things do go quite according to plan in the next chapter of the XARM saga (but have they ever, really?), a sport so hilariously misguided that it really makes you yearn for the subtle nuances of wheelchair MMA. In today’s contest, Tater finds himself matched up against the slightly-slimmer Bond Laupua (I swear to God I am not making these names up), who is quick to admit that “I don’t really have a strategy” heading into the fight. The announcers inform us that Tater’s gameplan was to gain weight. HOW DID HE LOSE THIS.

Join us after the jump to see two bears wrestle over a jar of honey until one falls down.