Monday, July 30, 2007

Presidential Law and Order

I was reading a brief excerpt today about how Americans wouldn't vote for a bald man in a Presidential race. Looking back at history I can see that this observation is quite astute. Look at Reagan's fluffy Republican Pomp, or recall the luxurious amber locks of JFK, and lest we never forget Martin Van Buren whose Presidential powers were only second to that of his hair growing abilities. (In fact I am considering petitioning the government to rename the Mutton Chop the Van Buren. Wouldn't that be nice, "Honey I'm think of growing out my Van Burens."

Back to the Bald Man issue. The debate here was potential Presidential nominee Fred Thompson's ability to win votes were he to actually become a Republican candidate. Thompson is a man without a lot of hair. And I have two arguments in favor of Mr. Thompson. The first of which is that clearly America DOES like bald people. Go to any retirement community (which is chock full of AARP voters by the way) and you will see five or six 80 year old ladies clamoring for every balding man in the place. Now this is partially do to the fact that women live longer than men, so all the widows looking for a little male companionship will pretty much gravitate towards anything living thing with male genitalia. (Just so you know, writing this sentence made me feel a little nauseous.)

But I think we feel safe with bald older men, 60+ men with a lot of hair have a lot of sexual magnetism (aka Bill Clinton) and with a bald man, we feel like he could be our Dad or our Grandpa. Maybe this is a persona we need in the White House. Our only bald President, Eisenhower, actually won against his opponent because they were both bald. But the race for 2008 is clearly full of atypical candidates: a woman, an African American, a Bald American.

But my second argument for Fred Thompson is this. He may be follicular-lychallenged but he has something few other bald men do: he was a cast member on Law and Order. Law and Order has been a TV staple for almost 20 years. It is representative of America on a multitude of levels and this potential Presidential candidate is part of that Americana. So which one will sway people more at the box office, oops I mean polls.

So maybe this is the true line up of candidates for the president race of 2008: A woman, an African American, and The Guy from Law and Order. Honestly, he's my favorite choice.