Saturday, March 5, 2011

An Equal Opportunity Movie Goer...

As a precurser to what I'm about to record, I will have all of you know that I am a HUGE movie fiend. I have been known to throw many an Oscar Party-because, yes, I do watch the intelligent/mind-blowing/low budget flicks out there. I have a great appreciation for all that is cinematic. I love cartoons, 3 1/2 hour war-epics, an occassional teeny bobber flick, the comedies...I will watch pretty much anything-at least once.

I am a big believer in not judging a movie by its trailer, but a trailer does indeed usually give a good idea what the movie is about. Have I been mislead in the past? Oh HELLS yeah! I have been led astray in the past, and I have been shown in less than 2 minutes exactly what I'm about to pay for.....which leads me to my very first post: 'BEASTLY.'

Even after seeing the abomination that was the trailer to 'BEASTLY,' I knew I must see this movie. I love Beauty and the Beast, and I thought I'd get a kick out of it-despite the fact that in the trailer, Belle (played by the talentless Vanessa Hudgens) says, "this rocks!" after the Beast (played by hottie-no-talent Alex Pettyfer) builds a ginormous greenhouse to impress her!

So I went and saw BEASTLY last night, and here are my main qualms with this movie:***SPOILER ALERT****

* once the hottie/douchebag is transformed into ugly-repulsive guy, NO ONE really questions his claim that he was cursed by an Olsen twin because he wasn't nice to her. No questions of self-mutilization or mental illness for him.

* the fact that he-OVERNIGHT is covered in tattoos, metal, and big open gashes is not a life shattering shock to both his dad and Jamaican nanny (and this Mrs. Pots character is totally not Jamaican, which I find somewhat offensive)

* you would think that after being taken to numerous world-renound doctors, these medical professionals would desire to scientifically study the deformed teen-I mean, he is rediculous loooking!

* Vanessa Hudgens' dad is a drug addict and kills his unpaid drug dealer, the Beast witnesses this crime, takes photos of it with his phone, then proceeds to blackmail the addict father in exchange to have his daughter live with the Beast....this crime is NEVER pinned on the guilty dad BTW---I am confident that some broke ass screenwriter crapped this movie out between rewrites of CROSSROADS and NEW YORK MINUTE, and only recently sold it keep up with his crack addiction.

* Vanessa Hudgens sounds like she is talking with her teeth clenched the WHOLE movie.

* the Beast has a blind teacher (played by the usually charming Neil Patrick Harris-WTF was he thinking?) which NEVER actually teaches the tortured teen.

* Once the Beast starts to care for those around him, he pleads with the witch/Olsen twin to heal his tutor's blindness & grant his Jamaican nanny's kids rights into the U.S. She agrees IF he can find someone to love him. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

* The Beast tries to impress Hudgens at the beginning of the movie by buying expensive gifts (Bvlgari jewelry, a crazy sweet purse) only to be wooed by 10 boxes of JuJy Fruits--to convince the audience that Hudgens is DIFFERENT THAN OTHER HIGHSCHOOL GIRLS and that she is unique and had simple tastes

* Hudgens never really questions her dad's explanation for moving her into the expensive town home with the stranger (she belives that her dad and this mysterious guy's dad were old chums....ya, that druggie dad and the rich dad were buds back in the day) and that she is basically in a 'witness protection' of sorts.

* The Beast's excuse for his school absense is that he went into rehab...and no one seems to question it (he's hot and rich, so he will eventually be in rehab anyways right?)

* NONE of the Beast's friends or family question their miraculous transformations in the end (He can see! She can see her Jamaican babies again! He's HOT ONCE MORE!)

And where is the Beast's rich dad the whole time you may ask? Oh, he is busy being a huge New York Anchor and disowns him once he gets all ugly. PALEEEEEEEEEEZ people. That show was hard for even my cheese tolerance.

Moral of this critique, Neil Patrick Harris needs money people-to pay for his new twins.