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Friday, January 21, 2005

Your patriotic duty.

I have a love-hate relationship with a lot of fundamentalist Christian media. On the one hand, as a devout atheist, I loathe its paranoid intolerant ranting. On the other hand, as a thinking individual, I find it to be a priceless reservoir of unintended humor. As a consequence of this I sometimes deliberately expose myself to wacky fundamentalist doctrines. So far in my life, this has taken many forms.

Once I spent some time wandering through a bookstore for home-schooled children in Dalton, Georgia. For those who are curious, I was on my way to the Elijay apple festival. In any case, the materials in this bookstore give new meaning to the term, "horrifying." When driving, particularly cross-country, I have a penchant for tuning in radio preachers. It's fun to mock their fiery rhetoric and utter lack of common sense. Finally, I sometimes find myself watching what I call the "Crazy Christian Channel." That would be a broadcast channel that covers all things fundamentalist. Sometimes they just televise sermons, other times the programming is composed entirely of Christian infomercials. Sometimes the CC channel even runs original movies that teach a valuable moral lesson, such as "Gays are evil," "Liberals are evil," "Government is evil, unless it's explicitly Christian," "You're evil, unless you accept Jesus Christ into your heart," and so on.

Now, there's also educational programming on this channel. One such program involved a group of panelists hotly debating whether or not the rapture would occur before, or after, the coming of the Antichrist. My hypothetical-roommate and I spent a good half an hour watching this program- not because we were curious about the answer, but rather because we were simply baffled as to what the hell they were arguing over in the first place. Anyone who thinks we academics have a monopoly on obfuscating jargon hasn't watched the Crazy Christian Channel. You shoulda seen the diagrams. What was the answer, you ask? No f-ing clue, friend, they never seemed to decide among themselves. One would think that this controversy would make them pause before trying to interpret the bible literally in the political arena, but I guess not.

So, given the above, it should come as no surprise that last night I caught a brief segment of the Jack van Impe news program. This show would seem to be dedicated to a Christian telling of the news, offered by Mr. van Impe and his animatronic sidekick Rexella. Of course, it's easy to report the news when one already knows the future and is aware of exactly how major future wars will play out. Then again, this might just be a map of Bush Administration foreign policy.

In any case, last night Jack wasn't talking about any of these things. Instead, he was remarking on the U.S. balance of trade, which sucks, and saying that the only things we have to offer on the world market are pornography and movies. Now, I'm not sure what his point was- I'm often unsure since his sentences devote more words to scriptural reference than to, say, parts of speech- but I will say this: I think Mr. van Impe has just made the strongest argument in favor of porn that I've ever heard.

I mean, think about it, according to Jack van Impe one of the only things standing between the U.S. and fiscal insolvency is the porn industry. Our ability to maintain a robust military machine with which to invade other countries and, eventually, combat the antichrist depends on the brave men, women, shemales, and various non-human animals of the porn industry. If you don't support porn, you don't support America, and if you don't support America, then you support al Qaeda and the Antichrist! We know this is so because President Bush told us, you're either with us, or you're against us. You're either for porn, or you're against America.

Now, I know that none of you are against America, so that means you're for porn. But how can one be "for porn," you ask? What does that mean? Well, for your help, I've compiled a brief list of things you can do to support good old American porn.

(1) Stop buying foreign porn. I know that those Japanese tentacle rape cartoons fascinate you, and that those Hentai games cure what ails you, but by buying unamerican porn you're just helping out Osama bin Laden. Try some wholesome American games instead.

(2) Stop posting those videos of you and your husband online. We know you enjoy the exhibitionism, we're fine with that, but every free videoclip on the internet featuring strong, healthy Americans steals dollars away from the professionals and, indeed, from America. Alternatively, if you must post your own sex videos, at least charge for them. Some people seem to be making a healthy living this way. Okay, "healthy" may not be the best word for it, but it's a living.

(3) Start a local porn-for-tots program. Porn is addictive, much like smoking, and marketing it to kids is a great way create a long-term consumer. Be sure and make these groups cross-national, however. Like any other good drug dealer, we have to remember that indulging too much in the product hurts business.

(4) Deny your boyfriends and husbands sex. Without recourse to normal sex, many men will resort to jerking off or, as it is euphemistically called, "masturbating." Many men prefer to do this with the aid of porn, whereas in normal sex porn is often unnecessary for reasons that should be fairly obvious. This is not to say that women don't masturbate, but just that they tend to consume less porn while doing so. Remember, folks: a healthy sex life is depriving America of income!

(5) Finally, report anyone who objects to porn to the Department of Homeland Security. Since porn is good for America, anyone who objects is Unamerican and, therefore, subject to imprisonment without trial or charge for an unspecified period. As an added bonus, the videos of their "questioning" might themselves make a pretty good product for our burgeoning global porn-dominance. It's a win-win scenario.