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Saturday, 24 November 2012

A few months ago I bumped into an old school friend, not just any old friend, a loyal, funny and well remembered old friend. Despite losing touch after leaving school I would often find myself looking back on my school years and remembering with a smile my skinny, scatty friend who without realizing had made my teenage years far more bearable than they might otherwise have been!.
‘Tammy’ and I had a lot in common (back in the day we would probably have been likened to each other because of our scatty natures!)

Anyway back to the here and now. ‘Tammy’ is still a bit scatty, as am I, only these days we have something else in common, our spiritual beliefs. Whilst walking separately through all the twists and turns and up’s and downs of adulthood we have both managed to find GOD along the way’

Things have been especially tough over the past year or so, my mental health issues have been exacerbated greatly for one reason and another, reasons for the sake of sanity I will not go into right now. (I’m having a relatively good day and would like to keep it that way!)

‘Tammy’ though slightly more resilient than me and way more positive has also had a very difficult time of late, I won’t go into the reasons for this, it isn’t necessary and wouldn’t be fair!

At this point in my ramble I feel it relevant to point out that due to severe ‘intrusive thoughts’ a symptom of OCD I have found it almost impossible to engage with GOD through prayer for some time now. Prayers are so often interrupted by the muddle that is my mind that far from bringing peace they just result in my feeling ashamed and on edge.

Feeling so isolated is perhaps one of the most devastating consequences of my mental illness.
Fear, shame, paranoia and stigma have resulted in a life time of hiding and I find it almost impossible to open up to anyone with complete honesty.

When the same shame and fear interferes with my ability to talk to GOD isolation reaches a whole new level!

Recently I have really struggled with my relationship with GOD mainly because my prayers are so often interrupted by intrusive thoughts, obscenities or general mind muddle!
Asking GOD to forgive intrusive thoughts (thoughts of or urges to self harm - thoughts of harming others) can be really difficult when you are unable to promise that your thoughts or indeed behaviour will be any different the following day!

Here’s what often happens during my prayers - I begin to pray (lets give the Lords prayer as an example)
It goes a bit like this, ‘Our father who art in heaven’ hallowed be’ that’s usually about as far as I get before a random obscenity pops into my head (sometimes aimed at GOD which only serves to increase shame!) or any of the other random, awful intrusions that are a part of my every day life. (I’m experiencing them now as I write!)

In order to complete my prayers (which I rarely manage having given up in shame half way through!) I use another area of my mind to recite ‘Ten green bottles'
So now one part of my mind is reciting ’ten green bottles (not sure why it should be this song as I find it extremely irritating!) while another part of my mind continues with the ‘Lords prayer’ sometimes this is still not sufficient to suppress intrusive thoughts and images and on these occasions I resort to actually picturing each of my illusory green bottles as they fall off the wall!

You can imagine how mentally draining for me this complicated prayer time fiasco is and it gets worse if I come away from the ‘lords prayer and attempt to pray in my own words for something or someone specific I have usually given up in despair before the fourth bottle has hit the ground.

My inability to engage with GOD through prayer has left me feeling stranded. I have thought of myself as ‘BAD’ since early childhood (partly as a result of my mothers reactions to me and partly as a result of the symptoms of my mental illness, specifically the vile intrusive thoughts)

Of - course if you don’t believe in GOD you may have buggered off by now, eye’s raised and 'tut tutting' at the 'Mentally ill bible basher’ but for those of you who are still with me, there is a point to this story!….

That dreary August morning whilst browsing the internet I came across a picture that instantly made me think of ‘Tammy’, ‘A white feather’ accompanied by a spiritual message!
Now I've never noticed white feathers at my feet, of course they may have been there, I just never noticed! ’Tammy on the other hand often has and on a spiritual level they are very significant to her!

Well anyway until learning recently (and only because I googled it!) I had no idea that to some believers white feathers have spiritual significance. I sent the picture along with its message of hope to ‘Tammy’s’ face book wall. She liked, commented then buggered off, as you do if you’ve actually got a life aside from Twitter and Facebook!

I spent the morning at home then decided that as the weather was a bit hit and miss, an indoor picnic in the church would be a nice idea.
As ‘Thebodyguard’ is church warden he has keys to our Church and we can come and go as we please. ’Littlie’ who loves being in Church could chill out with some churchy music with daddy while I set about sorting the mound of jumble on the balcony!

We would generally walk to church via our own Street but as we needed to call in at the shop on the corner of ‘Paupers Street’ on this occasion we made our way via ‘Paupers’ street, ’Littlie chatting nineteen to the dozen, ’Thebodyguard’ in his own little world and me? Well I’ve had better days!

Anyway we were about five feet into ‘Paupers Street’ when I noticed a ‘white feather’ laying on the ground, I’m not sure why I noticed it neither am I sure as to why I felt the need to photograph it but I did and on we went.

We plodded on another twenty steps or so and there on the ground another ‘white feather’ prompting me to take another picture, I couldn’t help thinking of the shared message that morning and my friends frequent tales of GODS little co-incidences in her life!

To cut a long street short by the time we had reached the top of Paupers’ I had noticed and photographed four little white feathers and was filled with a warmth that in my opinion can only be described as GODLEY!

As we turned into the next Road heading for the front entrance of the
church a thought entered my mind, it was a strong feeling accompanied by
an image (“There’s a feather at the Church door”) Well there was! Right
there outside the church door blown carelessly against one of the
planters was a fifth white feather!

I photographed it and then filled with an overwhelming feeling of peace followed hubby and child into the church. we laid our blankets down and enjoyed our little indoor picnic while listening to beautiful music and soaking in the peaceful atmosphere!

After eating I set about sorting jumble items while ’littlie and ’Thebodyguard’ played. Suddenly I felt compelled to stop what I was doing and go and look in the porch that serves as the back entrance to the church, so strong was the feeling of ‘seek and you will find’ that I was disappointed to find that there was no little white feather jumping out at me when I stepped into the porch.

Feeling slightly silly I’d just turned to go back the way I came when out of the corner of my eye I noticed a tiny white feather laying up against the boiler room door almost completely covered by dry leaves. It was no bigger than my thumb nail and looking a bit worse for wear but a feather none the less. I brushed the leaves aside, pressed the zoom button on my camera and took my sixth feather photo of the day!

Some of you will understand exactly what was going on in ’Paupers Street that day, many of you will think I’m a bit mad, if you didn’t already. It matters not! I feel lifted and hopeful when I look back to that day and I choose to thank GOD for that.

PRAYER
LORD, Thank you for gentle reminders of your presence in my life. I will continue to write my prayers down for the time being if that's okay with you, minus 'The ten green bottles' of course!

Father I place into your hands the things I'm going through
Father I place into your hands the things I cannot do
Father I place into your hands my friends and family
And I know you always will love me, Amen

POSITIVE THOUGHT
Good days, bad days or somewhere in the middle I'm surrounded by friends, family and a GOD who loves me!

Monday, 12 November 2012

I tried to write last night and the night before that, in fact I have attempted putting pen to paper ( or in my case, fingers to keyboard) almost every night this week!

So friends tonight I shall write in brief about all the things that I have wanted to write about and my reasons for not being able to write about any of them.

With the media full of child abuse stories I have desperately wanted to write about my own experiences as a child. However I have felt unable to do so for the following reasons.

People are so distressed by the horrors they are hearing about on the news that I feel the last thing they need are more tales of abuse. I was mentally and physically abused as a child but never sexually abused and therefore cannot begin to understand the pain those children felt, though I do empathize.

These stories have affected me terribly and have had me reflecting more than usual on my own childhood. However I have been unable to write down my own experiences for fear of somehow playing down the horrors that these people faced as children which were clearly far worse that anything I ever had to endure!

I have wanted to write about my depression, anxiety and insomnia all of which have been exacerbated over the last year or so due to fear of Government attacks on disabled people.

I feel overwhelmed with worry not just for myself but also for the thousands of other mentally and physically disabled who are being persecuted, some of whom since joining Twitter I now call friend.
I care about them as a friend should care and it hurts me to know that they are suffering.

I feel powerless to help them or my own family. Fear of our future and campaigning for a secure future for all has taken over my life and serves only to make me sicker as I’m sure is the case for many.

I have wanted to write about the Eating disorder I am now struggling with (also a direct result of fearing the powers that be!)
However while this new addition to my already complex mental health issues frightens the life out of me I simply cannot find any sensible reason for starving myself half to death when I have five children who need me to be strong and ALIVE!
Anything I try to write with regard to this just adds to the guilt I feel at not being able to put my children first.

This week has been a low as low can be kinda week, my depression which never really goes away has been overwhelming.
It would so many times this week have been cathartic to write about how dark and despairing my days have been but I have found myself unable to for fear of dragging everyone else down with me.

I’m not sure how to inject humor or enjoyable reading into ‘Depression. Is there a way of explaining why I cry alone in my room while hubby, child and dog play excitedly together downstairs.

Does anyone really want to hear about how hard it is for me to refrain from taking my secret weapon (a pair of hair scissors) from my dressing table drawer while all the time knowing the relief the blades would bring.

If a book you were reading painted the scene of a miserable, sobbing middle aged woman staring hopelessly at her reflection in the bedroom mirror would you now be flicking the page enthusiastically desperate to get to the next paragraph! I doubt it and who could blame you.

Nether the less as this blog is now turning out to be rather cathartic I will pretend you are all still with me and carry on.

So there she is this pathetic self pitying creature slumped in front of her mirror, tears raining down her long haggard face. Her complexion is grey, the bags under her eyes would serve nicely for getting the food shop home on Friday and her once thick (though always slightly frizzy) hair has been falling out for weeks through lack of nourishment.

Truly I tell you the creature I describe is damned UGLY! In my opinion no one does crying beautifully but any beauty she might once have had has been well and truly stripped away by ’Anorexia’, insomnia and stress!

Through the rain she looks despairingly at her reflection, the expression in the eyes of her mirrored self is one of pleading, this woman is in such pain, unbearable overwhelming pain. Whispering now just loud enough for the sadness in the mirror to hear and careful not to the destroy the little bit of happy that is still going on downstairs she pleads out loud with the creature staring back at her. “Help me, Help me, Oh please help me, please help me” then as the expression in the eyes that she sees in the mirror switches from one of pain to anger she turns away and quietly opens the dressing table drawer....

Well considering the hours I have sat in front of my laptop this week unable to write a thing, I’m not too sure where that little lot came from!
I do feel slightly better though for throwing a bit of my muddled mind your way, so if you made it this far down without wanting to go and talk to your own reflection, Thank you.

PRAYER

Lord, I pray for all victims of child abuse past and present, that they find peace and that justice be done. Amen.

POSITIVE THOUGHT

I managed to eat a bowl of raw vegetables tonight and my first appointment at the Eating Disorder clinic was no where near as bad as I anticipated.

I’m sorry I hurt you but you made me so mad
It would never have happened if you weren’t so bad

Come now darling I meant you no harm
Storms over now child, I'm nice and calm

I'm holding out my arms child wont you come
No more tears now whats done is done!

That’s it child, that’s it, there there, all better
Good girl, mummy’s sorry, mummy’s sorry
Come on now, no more tears, come on baby
All finished now, All finished now
Mummy loves you
Mummy loves you
Mummy loves you
Mummy loves you

PRAYER
LORD, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen

My scribbles include my own experience of mental illness, gambling addiction, and Fibromyalgia. Good and bad days (past and present). Life in general, lots of poetry, and occasionally a little of my nonsense. :o) It helps me to share; I hope that somewhere in my ramblings you find something that helps you... Kimmie x