Just in case you’ve been living in a cave somewhere and have had no access to any form of media, let me be the one to break it to you: We are being attacked. By Bedbugs. And I mean “We” as in THE ENTIRE FREAKING WORLD! Well, except for maybe those caves that some of you have been living in. I haven’t heard any evidence that shows that bedbugs live in caves, so if that IS where you’ve been, maybe you should get your ass back there because all you have to worry about in a cave are bears and bats, and from what I’ve learned about bears from watching tv with The Boy over the years is that they often wear overalls or hats, like honey, sometimes have jobs, and seem to sleep alot. And don’t worry about the bats because I’m pretty sure that bats will turn into really sexy vampires if you look cute and flirt with them a little. I know that in those Twilight books the vampires didn’t turn into bats, but those books are fiction. In case you didn’t know.

Look guys: Cute hat, ascot, and wants peace. (bijouliving.com)

Anyway, every time I turn on the tv lately they are talking about freakin’ bedbugs. At first I wasn’t very worried because Steve pretty much told me that I was being an idiot and that there were no more bedbugs that usual and it’s just that the stories are getting reported more often. The Hub says he know this because he is a Scientist. But you know what? He’s an engineer. And if I have learned anything about engineers in the past 20 years it’s that (A) They always think they’re right, and (B) They really don’t know jack shit about bugs.

When we went to Chicago over Labor Day weekend, I knew enough to yell at The Hub when he put his suitcase on the bed because Dr. Oz had already told me that if you do that, all the bedbugs will immediately jump on and stow-away in it kinda exactly like Leonardo Dicaprio and some other poor people did when they snuck onto the ship in the Titanic movie, and they will get a nice, cozy, free ride back to your house. But instead of hitting an iceberg and totally fighting over lifeboats and drowning at the end, they will just hide in your underpants and socks until you unpack and then live in your drawers and stuff until they can infiltrate your bed and all of your orifices. The other thing Dr. Oz had told me was to make sure I check under the hotel bed, which I thought sounded like a smart idea, but since I have a fear of finding used condoms and/or dead hookers under hotel beds, I skipped that part.

This could be happening on your body, as we speak.

In the past few days, I have learned soooooo much more. First of all, the name “Bedbug” is a total lie, because now the news is telling me that not only do they live in beds, but in movie theater seats. Yes. Movie theater seats. So now if I want to go on a date to the movies, I have to take a flashlight with me so I can search the cushion of the theater seat to look for bedbugs and/or bedbug feces. That’s poop, you guys. I am also not allowed to put my purse on the seat next to me in case it is harboring bugs that wanna hitch a ride back to my place and get into my bed. Usually on a date you do have to assume that someone is trying to end the night in your bed, but if you’re lucky, it usually isn’t a bug. So the news people told me to put my purse on the floor. Of the theater. Where they keep all the spilled coke, sticky butter, spit out gum, melted chocolate and semen. That doesn’t sound gross at all.

Not only have our movie theaters been compromised, but our department stores as well. I have learned that if I go buy or try on clothing at a store, I may get infested with bugs. If you try on clothing that is currently serving as an apartment home for bedbugs, you guys, the bedbugs will hide on your body so you can bring them home. So if you’re trying on pants, and there are bedbugs living in the pants, they may ride home with you on your privates. Like it’s their own personal Taxi. Except hopefully cleaner and with less cussing and flipping off.

So how do you know if someone’s body is currently serving as the Las Vegas for bedbugs? Well, you are supposed to look for nasty bumps that look like mosquito bites but are way grosser and usually found in clusters, like herpes. Not that I have personal knowledge of herpes or anything. This is just what I heard. If – for example – your neighbor is suddenly covered with “mosquito bites” and you notice that they are in a cluster, you need to run away immediately just in case they are infested with bedbugs. And also, don’t have sex with them because it might be herpes. As far as I know, the only way to tell for sure if there are bedbugs on something/someone is to use a bedbug tracking dog. Yes, the bedbugs are so bad they’ve trained dogs to find them. I am not totally sure as to how one can acquire a bedbug dog, but I am definitely wondering if dogs are the only animal they train for this, or if they can possibly train a teacup pig or finger monkey as well. I’m definitely gonna have to look into that.

But what I’m really worried about, people, is Evolution. The Hub likes to talk about Evolution and I have seen my fair share of Nova/Discovery Channel specials on how people used to be monkeys and killer whales used to be minnows, and stuff like that. Sometimes it’s just difficult to have a mind like mine. You know, one that totally grasps the complexities of things like mutation, adaptation, genetic recombination, natural selection, and other things that you guys couldn’t possibly understand. Since I really know alot about all this sciency stuff, I can tell you with 100% certainty that we are all goners. This thing has spun way too far out of control now that the bedbugs are going to the movies. Think about it: The news is always telling us that if you watch violent movies you might become violent. And these bugs have been living in the theaters during the entire summer, i.e. the height of the action movie season, loading up on sugar, carbs, and human flesh and blood (that’s DNA, people) and learning how to kick our asses and get away in a car chase. Trust me on this one guys. I’m, like, super-duper smart and my husband is a scientist.

I’m terrified of bed bugs, and while reading this I began to scratch uncontrollably. The other night I was at a friends house and laid on her bed!!! Now I’m completely freaking out, what if she had bed bugs…what if I brought them HOME!…I have kids here!… Oh god, we went to the movies the other night and I put my purse on the chair beside me… Excuse me I need to go check my self and my children for clusters :

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