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Loss & Grief

Loss is a part of life. Something ridiculous like 55 million people die every year. People get sick and they die. People simply get old and they die. Some people are run over by cars and they die. Some people are attacked and they die. Some people experience natural disasters and they die. Some people just can't mentally carry on any more and they die.

There are a million and one ways in which one could die. And it isn't just the loss of people we endure. Some lose pets, homes, jobs, possessions, opportunities, money, sanity. And other species experience loss too. Caterpillars lose a part of who they once were when they turn into butterflies, Mums lose their puppies when they are taken away to live with a new owner, elephants lose their babies when they are hunted. Loss makes the world go around in the same way that life does. Without loss, the world just wouldn't work in the way it does. It's just something we have to accept and wait for. But, although loss is a part of life, that doesn't mean it isn't allowed to hurt.

Disclaimer: everything written in this blog post is from my own point of view and is based on my experiences. You may be able to relate, or you may not.

Loss affects everyone differently and different loses provoke different
reactions. For example, the loss of a possible £80 million on a dud lottery
ticket doesn't quite have the same impact as the loss of a family member. But
in terms of death, I find that loss has universal affects.

'Death' is quite a harsh word, don't you think? It’s very blunt,
straight to the point, it’s as if, for years and years, it’s all life life life
life ooh I love life and then all of a sudden it’s BAM. 'Sorry. They’re dead.'
One moment they're there, the next, they're not. Just like that. I'm not a big
fan of the word, mainly because I prefer to think of people as 'passing away'
on to the next stage of their being rather than just suddenly not existing
anymore. I don't believe in people just, all of a sudden, ceasing to exist. I
think it’s ridiculous to think so. Nobody just fades out. There are always
traces of them around somewhere, whether it be their home, their belongings,
photographs or whether you just keep their spirit alive in your heart and through
conversations. Nobody just simply 'dies.'

However, the process of learning to cope with somebody's passing and
getting to that stage of being able to speak about them to keep their memory
alive is a tough one. You have to grieve. Like, you just have to. I think a lot
of people don't feel as though they can grieve. Perhaps
because they have children or because they have a full time job or because they
aren't an emotionally open person. But I strongly believe everybody has to
grieve, everybody deserves to grieve, and nobody should be made to feel silly
for grieving. Whether you've lost somebody close to you or someone you've only
ever had one conversation with, you have every right to mourn and be upset
about their passing. Death is a harsh thing, a cruel thing, and just because it
happens every day that doesn't mean you just have to 'get over it' and 'get on
with things.' You can grieve and you can cry and you can fall apart as many
times as you like before managing to come to the terms with their loss because
grieving isn't futile, its part of the healing process. Once you've given
yourself that time to mourn, you feel a little bit better, a phrase
I use loosely as I'm not really sure what other word to use. It feels wrong to
say you feel better once you realise that somebody isn't going to be around
anymore, although, after the grieving process, you sure as hell feel a lot
better than you did at the start of it. I guess what I want to say is that,
once you've come to terms with the loss and you've given yourself that time be
broken, you can put yourself back together, realise it’s what your loved one
would've wanted and it’s as if you've properly said goodbye. Because, as much
as we hate to hear it, life does just go on. In your time of mourning, it just
feels wrong to think that. You feel like you're betraying the
dead by knowing that things just carry on as normal even when they aren't
there. But they do. You break down, you grieve and then you just get back to
doing what you're doing. Nobody can grieve forever, we need to live, we need to
live so that, when we die ourselves, we can say that we lived, you know? We
cannot spend eternity wishing for the impossible, for people to come back. Loss
is just something that, unfortunately, makes up our existence.

But the grieving process is almost unexplainable. I'll do my best, but
it can't really be put into words what it feels like. The moment you are told
that your loved one has passed away, it’s almost comparable to an out of body
experience. You want to laugh because you may have seen that particular person
every other day for ten years but, all of a sudden, you won't be able to do
that anymore. You kind of choke on your own breath and want to utter the words
"You're joking!" but at the same time, you're speechless. It’s as if
everything inside of you just leaves your body for a moment, you're just skin
and you feel like you could flop to the floor at any moment. You want someone
to jump out of a cupboard with a camera and tell you you've been Punk’d. You
refuse to believe it, because why should you? You didn't see that person die,
you're just taking someone else's word for it. It seems ludicrous that they
just physically are not here anymore. Being told that someone you love has died
is an insane experience. It isn't really one which you can put into words. Even
if you saw it coming, perhaps through illness, it still doesn't feel real,
probably because you don't want it to. We all have some sort of mental utopia
which we would love to be a reality. We all have our own visions of an idyllic
world and many of our ideal worlds would probably include immortality. But that
just isn't realistic. Death happens and we expect it at every waking moment
yet. When it does actually happen, you want someone to pinch you and tell you it’s
all just a nightmare. When we hear of millions of people dying in earthquakes,
tsunamis or explosions on the news, because it’s something which,
unfortunately, happens so frequently, it’s as if it doesn't faze us. Of course,
your hearts go out to the victims and their families and you want more than
anything to help, but you don't know those people personally so it’s as if it’s
just 'another day, another death,' but when its actually happening to you, when
it’s your family people are offering their sympathy to, when it’s you who has
to grieve, you realise how unbearable losing someone really is.

But people don't just die and then that's it. The suffering is passed on
to those they left behind. It’s all one big cycle. As much as we would probably
like to, as it would be a hell of a lot easier and less painful, we cannot just
go back to how things were. We bring it upon ourselves to grieve and grieve and
grieve for an undetermined amount of time until we feel like we've properly
allowed ourselves to mourn the loss of that person. We don't want them to be
dead so we hang onto every last piece of their existence for as long as
possible until we finally realise, okay, enough is enough now, time to get
myself together.

Everybody grieves differently, of course, it's all relative, but, for
the most part, I'm guessing most of us experience the same emotions. It’s like,
when your loved one dies, a piece of you dies with them. Over time, you are
drained of everything that makes up the person you are until you are nothing
more than a shell of your former self, the former cheery, bright, bubbly person
you once were. You realise that those characteristics were as bold as they were because of
that loved one. They put the cheeriness, the brightness and the bubbliness into
your character and, without them, you don't see a reason to be that person
anymore.You cry a lot whilst grieving. You can't cry forever, but you cry a lot.
You cry until you reach the point of crying for the sake of crying, you start
crying and then continue to cry because you're crying. You end up wishing that
there was another way of crying without actually crying, because crying is
draining. It’s pointless really because, let's face it, it won't bring anybody
back from the grave, but it becomes the only way in which you can express
yourself. Because what else can you do? Saying "I'm sad" just seems
pathetic because 'sad' doesn't even come close. So, you cry. The crying at the
beginning is the worst type. You cry when you are told the news, then you
relive that conversation over and over in your head and that makes you cry
every time, you replay happy memories with the person you lost in your mind,
you cry, you talk about them, you cry, you have a funeral, you cry, then
everything you do on a daily basis suddenly starts to remind you of that
person, and so you cry. You'll probably wake up many mornings with sore eyes
and puffy lips. And then, when you aren't crying, you feel guilty for not
crying. You feel as though you should be crying because it’s
the only way in which other people can see how distraught you are. You feel
like you're betraying your lost loved one when you aren't crying. But, as
previously mentioned, you cannot cry forever. Most of the time, you'll probably
only cry for ten minutes max, the rest of the time after that you're just
making whale noises and choking on your own spit without realising.

Crying isn't the only way to mourn, though. It would probably be easier
if it were as at least you're doing something, you're
focusing on something. When you aren't crying, you just have to be a human
being, and being a human being sucks at the best of times, but particularly
when you are in pain. That's what grieving is – pain. People on the outside
don't really understand until they feel it themselves, because it’s a pain
unlike any other. It’s a mental pain, an emotional pain and a
physical pain. You can't just get rid of it. It isn’t something you can take
tablets for or just have a nap and it’ll all go away, it’s a pain that makes up
your existence for a while so you just end up being used to it being there. It’s
a crippling pain because it impacts on everything you do, but you know it’s a
good thing for it to be there, because being in pain at the loss of a loved one
shows that you care.You feel so drained when you're in mourning. Not the kind of drained you
feel when you have to get out of bed on a Monday morning, the kind of drained
that prevents you from even being able to think straight, the kind of drained
that stops you from carrying out your daily routine, the kind of drained that
makes you simply unrecognisable. Occasionally, you have moments when you want
to binge on every existing form of junk food but, fort the majority of the
time, you don't eat, you barely drink yet don't realise it, you don't want to
wash, get dressed, put make-up on, brush you hair, make your bed, open your
curtains, or make any form of communication with anybody else. Your sleeping
pattern is affected too. Most of us don't sleep as much as we should at the
best of times but, during grieving, it is physically impossible. You
spend all day feeling tired and wanting to go to bed but, when you actually go
to bed, you can’t even close your eyes. You just lie there, lifeless almost,
knowing you could feel just a tiny bit better if you slept for a couple of
hours, but not being able to.It would actually be quite nice to just hibernate for an extensive
period of time, alone, in your bed, in silence. That being said though, you do
want to be alone, but you also want to be surrounded by people, you don't want
to talk but you just need constant reassurance that they haven't left you as
well.

You can't hibernate though, because there's a big ol' world out there
and everyone else is getting on with their lives so you have to chip in at some
point. This is one of the reasons why I feel people aren't able to grieve
properly. You can't just take a year off work, you can't miss more than a week
of school because you're drowning in outstanding work even after skipping one
day. You also have family members and other friends who rely on you. You're a
cog in the lives of many and, if you aren't doing your bit, things start to get
messy.So, you go back to work, you get your butt into school and you just do
what everyone else is doing. You stack the shelves, you answer the phone, you
make the coffee, you do the work, you answer the teacher's questions, you
socialise with your friends at lunch, despite the fact that you feel utterly
hollow inside and want nothing less than to be there. Just getting yourself out
of bed and putting on clothes was an effort. But verbal communication, forced
smiles, holding doors open for people, it’s all a struggle. And you can't
concentrate either. When reading, words are just a blur on a page, when
somebody speaks to you, none of it goes in, no matter how many times they
repeat themselves, even when you're walking you have no idea where you're
walking to and could probably continue walking until you fell off of a cliff
and not realise. You feel useless, really, because, although you're doing the
things you normally do, you're not doing them properly. And you can't just be
miserable. People get annoyed by miserable people. You just end up in the
way and people get frustrated with the fact that you're just there.
But that's what you are, just there, you aren't even conscious of
your own breathing, you're just aimlessly going about your day feeling
invisible in a crowd of people who don't have any problems of their own. Of
course, the do have problems, big ones, but when you're in mourning, it doesn't
feel that way, it is as if everyone else has a perfect life and you cannot for
the life of you understand how they're managing. You see them being normal and
question how they are doing that. You were doing that yourself just a matter of
weeks ago but you've now forgotten how to do it. Those strangers haven't a clue
that your loved one has passed away, but you still don't understand how they're
able to just go about their day to day lives after somebody you know has just
died. You feel as if everyone else should be grieving with you, especially if
the person you've lost was particularly amazing. You just want everyone else to
feel this crippling pain that you are feeling. But they aren't. Upbeat songs
are played on the radio, people are laughing and joking, people are still
trying to sell you things in the street that you don't want, but you just.
Don't. Get. It. How are they doing that? How are they managing to exist so
easily when all you want to do is bury yourself in a duvet for the rest of the
century?

Speaking of other people, one of the most annoying things, shall we say,
about loss is that you have to tell other people. It’s annoying because it'd be
easier for you if they kind of just already knew, like, if it was on the news
or something, so you didn't have to try and find the words yourself. Also, you
kind of never stop telling people. You tell your colleagues, your friends,
teachers, neighbours, family friends, strangers, you're constantly encountering
people who don't know what's happened but you have to tell, meaning you're
constantly reliving that painful experience. However, when you tell them that
such a person has died, their reaction is never the same one that you had when
you found out, because, a previously mentioned, to them. It’s just another
death.When you do break the news to other people, friends specifically, it’s
hard to know what to say. "___ has passed away" or "___
died" never feels right, but you go with it anyway. You kind of wish that
harsher words existed to really portray how much of a painful event it is. We
are so used to people dying that the words just don't hit us that hard anymore.
People don't understand either. They act as if they do. But they don't. You
always find that they say exactly the same things too. Pretty much everyone has
the same response. It’s as if there is a universally accessible rule book on
what you're supposed to say to someone when they tell you someone they know has
died. Everyone has their reply subconsciously rehearsed. "I'm so sorry"
is always in there. It’s a classic. They say it as if it’s their fault. They
usually then tell you that they are "thinking of you," although you
know the moment they send that text message or put the phone down or walk away
from the conversation, they will be thinking of everything other than you.
Another favourite is "I hope you're okay." My personally favourite,
along with "Are you alright?" It’s always golden when this one is
thrown out right after the funeral too. Like, excuse me, what do you want me to
say? Of course, you say 'yes' and 'I'm fine,' because they pragmatically
understand that you aren't. They know you're just saying that yet they don't
pull you up on it. Someone has just passed away yet you're being asked if
you're 'okay?' Well, if your definition of 'okay' is falling apart in every way
possible and not wanting to get out of bed in the morning then yes, I’m
marvellous thank you. It is difficult to know what to say to someone in those
situation though because no words could ever compensate for the loss of a human
life. No amount of 'I'm sorry for you losses' could take away the pain that you
feel. It’s almost better when people don’t say those things though and just
offer a simple "I'm there for you if you need me." Granted, you
probably won’t ever go to them but it’s just comforting to know that they care
enough to offer you a shoulder to cry on and to know that, despite losing
someone important, you are still surrounded by others who love you dearly. A
hug is good too. Tight ones especially. The tight ones help to put your broken
pieces back together slightly.

Whilst we're on the subject of what others like to say to you when they
discover you're grieving, let's talk the advice and "reassuring
words" that they love to dish out in a bid to make things feel better
when, in fact, they're just making them worse. For example, "Don't be
upset" or "don't cry." Firstly, I cannot control my emotions,
secondly, a person has just DIED, I'm going to cry and, thirdly, do you expect
me to throw a party? I understand that words like this are supposed to be
comforting but it’s important to understand that people need to
be upset in times of loss. You HAVE to let people cry and you HAVE to give
people that time. The healing process isn't something you can rush
and, if you attempt to do so, it’ll all only come back at a later date and you’ll
fall apart harder than imaginable. Just give people some time to get it all out
and allow them to cry without making them feel guilty for it. As I've said,
sadness for the loss of a loved one shows that you care.Additionally, a lot of people love to tell you that "It’s what
he/she would’ve wanted" or "They're in a better place now,"
things that are said with good intentions but, actually, aren't all that
reassuring and it isn’t something I would say to someone, but that’s just me. I
don’t quite see how telling someone that their family member wanted to
die and that they're better off dead than alive is going to comfort someone
upset about their passing, but that’s just my personal opinion.

'Death' is a tricky one though, especially if you didn’t know the person
because what can you possibly do to help a friend in their time of grieving?
You can’t do anything and, chances are, if you try to help, you're probably
only going to end up annoying them. Everyone hates to hear it, but it all just
gets better in time. You just have to wait it out and get everything off of
your chest. Nobody mourns forever.

I don't really know where to go from here. I'm not sure what else to say
other than the fact that dealing with death isn’t something you can prepare
for, there's no handbook or instructions to follow whilst grieving although, it
is vital you know that you can grieve and you can do so in
whatever way is best for you. If you want to go on holiday, go, if you want to
go back to work, do it, if you just want to cry and hibernate in your bed, go
for it. Just ensure that you allow yourself the time to heal and don’t rush
back into things before you're ready. Don’t allow people to indoctrinate you
with "Oh ___ wouldn’t want you to be sad!" What your loved one would
have wanted is for you to live a happy and healthy life and if you know you’ll
only be able to do that once you’ve properly said goodbye and taken yourself
right to the edge, that’s fine. Never let anyone tell you how to mourn or interrupt
your grieving process. It’s all relative.

But it’s all painful too. It’s strange because grief makes you feel so
empty inside yet, at the same time, it’s such a heavy pain. You feel so
lifeless yet so weighed down. I'm not one to use expletives. Swear words just
do not come out of my mouth. Whilst I don’t have a problem with others using
them, personally, I think there are far better words in our beautiful language
to use as substitutes and we should explore the marvellous language we have
been blessed with as oppose to opting for the nearest cuss words, however, I
will say this. Dealing with death and grief is shitty. It’s really REALLY
shitty. I only say that because I don’t quite know what else to refer to it as.
'Shitty' is a really brutal word and death causes a brutal pain, so we may as
well go with that. But yeah, that’s what it is. It’s a right PAIN in the
backside. It would be nice if it just didn’t happen, but it does and we suffer
from it but then we pick ourselves back up and we bloody get on with things.
Because what else can you do?

In times of mourning, families can have a tendency to fall apart and
distance themselves from one another, but just be there for
people, yeah? You don’t have to say a lot because words are pretty empty in
times of despair. Just be. There. Your presence will say more
than words ever could.

I’m also not too sure why used the pronoun 'you' all throughout this
blog post rather than speaking in first person. I guess it just shows how
detached from your own self grief makes you feel. You just really do not feel
like you anymore. But, if you are in mourning right now. I
hope that you soon find a way to piece yourself back together and live a happy
life that you loved one would have been proud of. I hope that you manage to
grief in whatever way is best for you and I hope that everyone around you does
too. I hope that the pain you are feeling right now eases once you have had
chance to say goodbye and I hope that you realise that you have the power to
keep your lost friends and relatives alive. They may not exist physically but
there is no reason why they cannot exist verbally, emotionally and mentally. Like
I said at the beginning of this post, nobody just dies, all those
who we have lost could never just stop existing, they will always
be living inside of us. They have shaped us into the people we are today,
whether we realise it or not, because everyone you encounter has an impact on
who you are as a person.Remember that, yes, loss hurts, but the fact that is hurts shows that
you have a heart. Never let anybody tell you that there’s no point in feeling
sad and try to see that beautiful things can still happen after you’ve been
through all of this pain. Oh, and surround yourself with your family as even
the old and tough ones still need support. I’ll leave you with the cliché,
shall I? Life is short. Like that sentence. In the time it took you to read
that, somebody lost their life. So appreciate every inch of everyone and
everything around.