Are you telling me I smell bad? Are you telling me you want me to smell more like a Grandma? Who deemed you "King of Good Smells," because last time I checked, your favorite smell was bacon.

What to get me instead: Old Spice. For you. Nothing smells sexier on a guy than Old Spice.

All of this crap

You see how this photo is of a teddy bear, a rose, a box of chocolate, and a balloon? That's because it's a package deal, like an all-expenses paid trip to Shmaltzville. Did everyone at Duane Reade totally avoid making eye contact at you while you purchased this shit? There is a reason.

Man, think about this! If you buy it a size too large, I'm going to think you think I'm fat. If it's a size too small, I will feel fat and lock myself in the bathroom crying all night. If you go through my underwear drawer while I'm not around to find my size, I will call the police on you.

Alternative: A Verizon iPhone. What?!! I really want one. Get my name engraved on it if it'll make you feel better.

Instead You Should: Queue up your Netflix Instant so we can watch all of Showtime's Masters of Horror series that you refuse to watch because you are too scared.

Homemade Coupons

"Good for one free back massage." Really dude?

Better: Actual coupon to that Reflexology place down the street. Those guys know what they are doing and usually don't demand sex afterwards.

Jewelry

It's not that I don't like jewelry, dude. It's just that most of it comes in boxes. Ring-shaped boxes. Which, depending how I feel about you, will either lead me to running away at the sight of it, or being furious when I open it to find a pair of very nice earrings.

Let's Call The Whole Thing Off: How about instead of any of this, we just have a lot of awesome sex and then order in Chinese? Happy Valentine's Day, sweetheart!