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Monday, September 8, 2014

[JTL Day 201] Tiredness vs Awareness part 1

Perfecting my application - as I am becoming more busy - I appreciate my effective resting to support expanding life awareness to step out of the mind and live directly here in and as the physical, one breath at a time. I see some points what are of judgements, thus I walk through within effective/self-honest writing to prepare myself to stop and change.

There is the state when I feel tired - mostly it is not a physical body experience but a dullness, a bit distanced and slower, more reactive and less directive I am.

My breathing becomes less profound/effective and becomes heavy; it's like I have to intentionally push through each breath one by one in order to remain here and this effort feels like just making me more tired.

That experience is mostly 'solvable' with a quick rest/relaxation/sleep, also many times with taking a refreshment, air or just walk around some.

I have the ability to take short naps, mostly whenever I decide and I can - not as I use this often, mostly daily 1-2, sometimes 3 times and if I am very busy, dealing with new things, being busy with others, then I don't do that, just after a while when I realize I feel tired and I need to rest for a while.

During the day, a siesta/nap is really supporting - not even need for sleeping, just to stop the busy mind for a while and just simply be, return to here.

Many times I realize it is enough to lose 'consciousness' for a moment to refresh - like in my mind I become heavy and when I lose my mind (in a 'cool' way, losing it's heaviness) so to speak and I wake up I am here again.

Also I notice that as I go deeper it's like there is still thinking but in the background, feels like a dream state - wherein I am not really present, not hearing/seeing these thoughts/images, but I am kind of aware that these are moving. Sometimes I wake up from this instantly during these naps and mostly I state that this was enough.

Since long years I remember that I enjoy short rests/relaxations/naps. I enjoy doing short but intense bursts of expressions and then really, even absolutely stop for a moment.

I've started to realize that I have this undefined ability to let go my busy mind and for that simply rest, lay down for a moment and when my mind is gone, I just wake up and act again. This is sort of a habit I've formed also, I will walk through with Self-forgiveness within detail after this introductory.

What supports to return to 'normal' for me - and it's also cool for the body - rhythm is physical work and spending time in nature - because then I am more in the body than in the mind and that is mostly enough. I am grateful that how my sleeping and resting rhythm is, but I see it can be more specific, supportive, perfect - to support more presence, inner silence, consistency and health.

I sometimes do not give myself(as body) the necessary physical activity/work/intensity with the judgement of 'not having enough time', 'it is not that important', which I am committing myself to change within realizing that self-honesty is not about the constant to-do-list execution but with remaining present/consistent within all situations and this can be self-directed in each moments equally regardless of where I am or what I do.

Even if I walk, I can listen to EQAFE, I can record my audio, and after all - I can be here in each breath equally. It is a decision to make and make it happen however within self-honesty it is not a choice - so let's stop the judgmental mind.

That is so cool to realize that there is no such thing as impatience once I am becoming comfortable breathing and accepting myself here.

And within that - realizing when I feel tired - I feel like I am unable to find this 'normal' state of being here as patient yet directive presence because of the feel of lack of energy, feel of being pulled down by tiredness and I see reactions coming up in my mind and I am losing presence. That is the time to realize: rest/refreshment and return to presence is required.

STILL - there is this point where I have the tendency to fight - fight the tiredness, the lack of energy, the dullness, the lack of focus.

Because for fight, I have to create friction and within friction energy is being created and by that energy I am re-animated again, re-fueled.

If my breath feels heavy, I push more and I just don't question, because I am in the program of fighting through the heaviness, the resistance. This seems like a good, normal thing to accept but I don't.

I've realized that this fight, this resistance is not the solution but a countermeasure for a symptom, not for the source of the problem, which is originally that I've taken refugee within the mind, as the starting point, as the source, as the tool for perception, movement and experience and this takes soooo many energy to upkeep, maintain, reinforce all the time with: friction.

The constant friction within the mind is being rejuvenated with the endless battle of good and bad, light and dark, positive and negative, the very judgements within myself toward the world, toward myself, within and as my mind, my human physical body is what creates this friction, this constant energetic tension which is being channeled from the body into the mind wherein the mind is alive and the body is getting more and more rigid, tired and old to eventually wither up and die.

This is not normal, anyone thinks that it is very alright has been entirely brainwashed, - come on, why most of the old people look like grumpy and becoming this grotesque cartoonish physical wreck before die?

Because the mind sucks up all the physical life force energy converting into consciousness light juice with which all the perceptions/judgements/opinions/memories/reactions/thoughts/feelings/emotions are being replayed all over again until the total conviction of this is alright and we are living while in fact this is just a cosmic joke as we believe this actually what life is.

I really mean this, and takes courage, integrity and self-trust to dare to shout out this and actually investigate, but come on, consider the fact that we actually disappear when we fall asleep and we do reborn again and all the things we had yesterday come back as memory, as habits, as personality and there not a single morning waking up process wherein we actually stop for a moment and really question that 'what is going on and what I am doing and why and who I am?'.

Maybe because of my ability to rest myself in this efficient way that at times with I can snap out of the consciousness to a degree that I can realize this judgmental state is not satisfying me - not because I do not have a beautiful/smart/loyal/great/loving woman and also a tons of money/respect/fame/power/abilities/artistic veins/extra good sport abilities or nothing fucking special - none of this would really satisfy me if I would still create and react to the same frictions in my mind all over in each day.

This point is crucial within my process to see/realize/understand that real inner peace is only here when there is no conflict existing within me, which, if we really push to practical realizations can recognize that the undefined/resting/unified mind with the embracing/expressing/directive self-movement at the same time is the only way for the silence.

It is clear for me since more than a dozen years - just the methods and starting point I was unable to grasp before the Desteni principles/tools.

Because in order to equalize, quiet, stop my mind, I have to really know myself, who is behind this mind, who the being within all of this already manifested personality/habit/perceived self and by knowing myself I can understand how and why I formed who I am and I am able to stop the cycles and stop the same thoughts, the same desires, the same fears, which is not just meditation, but actual real self-correction within physical change. Every day being the same person, having the same feelings, thoughts, emotions - is like a space-suit we take in each morning and to understand why - we must go into the specific details - why I behave exactly the same way to specific triggers, evens, circumstances? Is it really the best for me? And others as well?

The movie called Groundhog's day is not a joke, we are our own manifested joke here wherein not seeing/realizing/understanding that we never really wake up from the sleep, only the consciousness programs do and if we become tired as the consciousness and go to rest because of refreshing that - we will never be able to rest in real peace within ourselves, no matter how much sleep we do.

So the solution is obviously that to stop the conflict within, stop the friction, stop the judgements, eventually start to learn how we actually behave, operate, react and act in our daily participation within our so-called life and be able to stop the constant battle of positive and negative by stopping the judgements, one by one, breath by breath and thus that is stopping the apparently infinite great battle of good and evil, the constant friction of positive and negative, the endless war of consciousness over it's own survival which in fact creates physical consequences, manifests our karma of facing the consequence of our actions, because one thing is very certain: we are always responsible for each and every single action we take, even for the ones we do not take.

So this is what I have realized from the point of resisting to rest the mind within and falling into it's temptation of wanting to create friction/conflict to have energy, which will make me feel more tired and thus ending up creating more friction/conflict to have more energy in the delusion of tiredness, the illusion of living, the dishonesty of life.

While the very solution is right here.

To see what we actually do and ask why.

The very friction we create with that we stop and see what is driving ups to do it repeat the same: ask, see, stop until there is nothing what moves self and then self is here without friction, without conflict, without judgement.

That is the real waking up from sleep and there are tools for that, which can be learned, lived and there are already people who are walking this path and there is nothing to fear within realizing that no religious/spiritual/philosophical truth existing in this world as those are all part of the same consciousness friction mechanism - even only a singular point of inner judgement/friction/polarity/definition is enough to fall into the mind with a reason and with real compass of Self-honesty it can be recognized, forgiven, stopped.

Reflecting this back to my very own self-accepted behavior when I believe that when I have a resistance for simply being here without conflict/friction/judgement that I have to fight that with the same way, meanwhile not seeing/realizing/understanding that all I have to do is to stop creating that resistance, stop fighting for my own limitation, to step one step back and see what with I actually create that resistance for being just here, breathing, allowing myself to trust my direct presence; - I commit myself to stop being a prey of my mind/energy patterns and stop giving into the experience and feel of tiredness while recognizing that what moments and why I missed here and still trusting the judgements instead of direct physical self here and forgive that unconditionally.

In the meantime I will listen these interviews, which I suggest others as well: