I feel your pain. My mom wasn’t a drinker, but exceptionally incapable of being a parent. My dad was absent after their divorce, and I felt like I was raising her most days. Sorry you had a crappy day yesterday. I’m doing fine, by the way. Was more concerned about you. Glad to hear that PNW plans still in the works! 😃

She was a secret drinker – I was a teenager when I started getting wise to it. I think the abuse she endured rendered her incapable of being a parent. That, coupled with her untreated bipolar disorder. I understand, intellectually, what happened to her. Why she became what she did. But emotionally, it wrecks me. I don’t even know where she is right now.

I’m sorry to hear that you can relate. That you had to raise your own parent. I hope yesterday wasn’t so bad for you.

And thank you, truly, for your concern. It means a lot to me. A hell of a lot.

No worries. All you can really do is accept it for what it is (not your fault) and try to do better when you become a mom yourself (if you choose to become one). It still blows, but the beating yourself up over it begins to ebb…eventually. 😊

Thank you and you have nothing for which you need to apologize. We each have our own life and sometimes there are veins which mirror other individuals. There is nothing one can do in life but learn and hopefully survive. I do hope your writing is cathartic and you are able to find peace.

I look at my siblings and tell them “No one forced you to stay here” which effectively ends the conversation. As for the alcohol, I personally feel that her parents, employers, colleagues and friends should all be charged as an accessory to murder for not trying to intervene. Yes, they did say they never tried to do anything to help.

Thank you, so much, and you’re right. We each have our own lot and do the best we can with it – and if sharing my personal experience(s) helps even one person, I’ll feel like my life mattered. You know?

And isn’t it something? How siblings play the blame game or have this weird amnesia when it comes to things?

All this shit is not an easy lesson to be learned
There is so much that comes with all of this
It’s not like a piece of Ikea furniture
Instructions and an allen wrench
I still look at this and wonder why
Why did it go that far
To the point of traumatizing me
Why after they were both gone
Did I find a letter saying it’s going to be alright
That she was going to look after from the fuvkin grave
Mothers day my ass
They did the dirty
Then you have to thank them for what
You were their responsibility
Not the other way around
In one moment you kiss
The next you are fighting
And last they die
And it’s all suppose to be
The kid will be alright
Great post Toasty
The Sheldon Perspective

Thank you so much, Kim. And I’m sorry you can relate to abuse, no matter where it came from.

She was actually the good one of the two. A fucking angel compared to him. And then her slow spiral until she vanished. I think that’s why it hurts so much, because we were close when I was little. I counted on her. But that was a longass time ago.

My mister has more of the family issues then I do, don’t get me wrong they still did their job at fucking me up but that was through them being old and being hermits.
I guess there’s no such thing as a great parent, but at the same time I shudder at the thought of how I’m going to be like. It’s not right to excuse anything but I guess there are reasons for everything. None of it was your fault though, you’re meant to protect your children no matter what, saying that you had to stick by him was a weak, unforgivable move on her behalf. Abuse is wrong, justifying abuse is fucked up.

Steph, for someone who has gone through all you have endured, you are simply FUCKING AMAZING. Never let anyone try to take that away from you because no matter how hard they tr, you will always be you and that is what is so fantastic. You are so totally right that you have an amazing vocabulary and because of that I can honestly see you being able to put everything into words and finally exorcising that demon that follows you around. Hopefully the departure to the PNW will act as the catalyst to put past thoughts and troubles behind you even if it is only a very small distance behind.
You deserve to be happy and smiling and all the things that we all want and let me tell you, if anyone ever says that you are not deserving, then they are WRONG and if they persist, just send them my way and I will not miss and hit the wall with them.
Remember Steph, you really do ROCK and you are going to be all you can be one day VERY soon.
Keep on rocking in the free world…..

I’ve got this big grin on my face, and you put it there. Thank you for such ridiculously kind words and encouragement, Cameron.

I know that I’ll bring all my baggage with me to the PNW. But I can feel myself getting stronger every day. Well. Not EVERY day. I still have a LOT of shit days. But the trend remains upward, and that’s more telling than the terrible days sprinkled in!

Aw Sheldon, I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. I wish I had some funnies for you! I’ve been in a bit of a slump, too. Hmmm. Funnies. Laughs. Uhm. I’m surrounded by garden gnomes. Inside. In my office. They just randomly started appearing one day. Though…I guess that’s less funny and more weird. 😀

No gnomes are good
Gonads not so much
Now that’s weird
Stay away from the geeks
Button the top button
Of your shirt
And if your going to go out to the bar
I will take you
Just you replying makes me feel better
Too much back to back pain
Day in and day out
As always Sheldon

Awww – thank you, Steph. I am a big hugger so I am sending a virtual one back. If this helps – the old medication didn’t work that well so many people self medicated. My mum had so much electro-shock treatment that it changed her somewhat. I loved my mum despite everything and always struggled with Mother’s Day cards until I discovered that I could truthfully send her a card that said she was “special”. My husband and still laugh about that. 🙂

Ah…trauma is trauma. I know this isn’t what you were doing, but I used to downplay (at least in my own head) what I went through. I’d say things like, “What I went through is nothing compared to others.” And while that’s true in black and white – I didn’t have it nearly as bad as so so many do – it was also me disregarding or invalidating my own trauma…another way to berate myself for being too weak or not important enough. Anyway..I’m rambling. Just know that..you’re a survivor, and I admire you.