Time now for some news updates from my favorite hard news site, News of the Weird. You may recall them. Back in 2005 they broke the Alabama gorilla scandal, and I rely on them for frequent India Monkey-Man updates. You don’t see that in the mainstream media. (Glenn Beck, I’m looking at you.)

James Burden, 55, was convicted of indecent exposure in Scotland’s Falkirk Sheriff Court in June based on a March incident when a neighbor looked out her window before dawn and saw Burden, naked, smoking a cigarette and masturbating while bouncing on her family’s outdoor trampoline. Burden said he did not know anyone would be watching at that hour. [STV (Glasgow), 6-2-10]

Now that is multi-tasking. Hire that man! I’m having trouble just typing this while watching TV.

In New Zealand‘s Auckland District Court in June, Judge Mary Beth Sharp dismissed an elderly male juror from a trial involving sexual abuse because the man disclosed, under questioning, that he had worn a condom under his clothes in the jury box because the testimony was making him aroused. [New Zealand Herald, 6-4-10]

Former boy scouts never forget their motto, “be prepared.”

California gubernatorial candidate Douglas Hughes proposed this year to solve the state’s child-molestation problem by developing an island 30 miles off the Santa Barbara coast to contain the state’s pedophiles, who would, according to The Daily Caller, “write their own constitution, build their own infrastructure and maintain a society.” [Daily Caller, 5-21-10]

Calling Dr. Moreau!

The Power of Books: Speaking to the city council of Crestview, Fla., in July, the founder of the local “Protect Our Children” citizens’ group said her son (whose age was not revealed) had“lost his mind” when he looked through the violent Japanese “manga” graphic novel he found on open stacks in the Crestview Public Library. “Now,” she said, “he’s in a home for extensive therapy.” [Northwest Florida Daily News, 7-6-10]

Did Frank Miller write that? It couldn’t have been Jeph Loeb, his work only makes people physically ill.

Jammie Harms, 34, who had been executive assistant to CEO John Smith of the developer Hearthstone Homes, filed a lawsuit against the Omaha, Neb., company in June for wrongful firing. According to the lawsuit, Smith told Harms that, after consulting with psychics, he was troubled by her pregnancy. He said he was feeling “negative energy” from her fetus, sensing that it was “hostile” toward him and causing him to be reminded of his own unpleasant experience as a fetus. [KFAB Radio (Omaha)-AP, 7-1-10]

I would like to introduce him to the therapist from the previous story.

Allen Dawes, 28, and Jimmy Lee, 43, were charged as burglars in, respectively, York, Pa. (June), and Blackburn, England (July), after having inexplicably left clues behind. For reasons unreported, Dawes had left his birth certificate at the scene and Lee his DNA-laden false teeth. [Yahoo News-AP, 6-23-10] [Blackburn Citizen, 7-19-10]

Of course, it didn’t hurt the police’s efforts that they fled the scene dressed like this: