Are You There God? It's Me, Andrei

I understand that you're busy and all, but I just thought you should know that this "plan" of yours pretty much blows! I've heard that you have some grand scheme in mind that us puny little humans don't see and could never comprehend, but here's the thing, I'm on to your little bullshit. I think you're really an indecisive asshole who can't commit to a single thing, so you just keep changing your mind about what you want.

Hey, I get it, I'm a perfectionist too, but your ADHD is really fucking shit up around here and a lot of us are getting tired of it! Get some "YOU damn" meds and leave stuff alone already! You just killed about 200,000 people because you wanted the Caribbean 0.8 inches east of where it is…er…was! Oh and what's more, smart guy, last time I checked, the most widely practiced religion in Haiti is Christianity. Remember, that one is predominantly centered around you (big surprise) and your alleged son.

It isn't instructions!Now I can kind of understand that you have major issues with having a kid AND STILL being a virgin, but you don't need to be a jerk about it. I'm pretty sure THAT wasn't the Happy New Year the Haitians were all looking forward to, and they probably thought Haiti was fine right where it used to be. It's like you're up there with a giant laser level or something, measuring things and saying, "Nope, not right yet! Just 20 millimeters to the east and it'll be perfect!"

In case you forgot, let me refresh your ancient ass memory about a similar snafu. Remember five years ago when it was, "I think India and Indonesia should be six centimeters closer!" That little brain child of yours caused a tsunami that killed 230,000 people—and the day after your son's birthday, for crying out loud! I think you have a serious problem and it's time you own up to it. Maybe your deal is that you get SO shitfaced on various holidays that you wake up in a party-induced coma and like any sloppy drunk, you start messing things up. Remember Samoa last year, the day after Yom Kippur? "Jesus Christ, now THAT was a Yom Kippur! Too bad, son, you couldn't be there! WAIT?! Is that where I put Samoa? Hiccup! Let's move those bad boys a few millimeters this way…oh whoops, sorry Samoa, my bad! Hiccup!"

Simply timeless, because all the watches got wet.Look God, if you need help then there are some twelve-step programs I'm sure you could complete rather quickly, but if you're just being an indecisive drunk asshole, then knock it off. Down here we're all pretty cool with the positioning of the continents—what we aren't cool with is being treated like your personal little Sim Planet. Oh and don't think you're fooling anyone with this plate tectonics horse shit either, because I think that's just an excuse to move stuff around when you go on one of your benders. Remember the dinosaurs and all the plate shifting you did with them, you fucking charlatan? Yeah, you wrote them out of "the book" but we still found them anyway. Nice job on THAT cover-up, asshole!

Now let's talk about cancer, because the way I see it, cancer is based on the same indecisive bullshit that your plate tectonics crap is based on. Look, I'm grateful and all that I am two feet taller than Napoleon was, but I'm pretty sure all the people dying of cancer wouldn't have minded being shorter and NOT had their DNA slowly mutated over time. Now it is kind of unclear in the dogma whether or not you are "for" evolution, but honestly I think that's another convenient cover-up so you can play around with our genetic code after a night of debauchery.

I have some confusing shit in my body to prove you are all FOR evolution regardless of what your brain washed minions think. What the fuck is my appendix all about anyway, if we can just remove it without a problem? Clearly this is either something that once had a function or WILL have a function 10 million years or so from now. Whatever it's for, I'm fine with just not having it, kind of like how people are fine with just not having cancer, you dick! See a pattern developing here, genius? Leave us the hell alone instead of messing everything up!

I'm on to you and you simply aren't selling me on this Creation vs. Evolution dichotomy crap. If I'm not an evolved human being, then why the hell do I have the urge to devour an entire gazelle after several hours of sex? Clearly that is something primal left over in the genetic code. However, due to the absence of gazelle in my area, likely because of some plate tectonic shenanigans, I'm also pretty satisfied with just having a sandwich instead. See how evolved I am?

Religious wars are another thing I want to talk to you about. Religious wars have got to end now, and don't pull that "free will" horse shit with me either this time. I know you've noticed what your infinite fucking absence of presence is causing. I heard the smoking twin towers could be seen from space so surely you saw that transpire up on your cloud or wherever your lazy ass hangs out. We're all down here basically killing ourselves over different ideas about who you are, who your bastard child was or wasn't, or whatever the hell else you want from us. I mean for fuck's sake God, even the Whos in Whoville gave a shout out to prove their measly microscopic existence. So how about a fucking "YOP" or something to stop a significant amount of unnecessary bloodshed, or is that too much to ask of the big man in the sky?!

Now everyone will finally know the one true word.You know what the real problem is with all these religious wars though? This "book" of yours that everyone goes on about, like it was written by your hand itself and not by a bunch of stoned hippies living in several different centuries. You need to get on board with the rewrite craze that is going on down here. I have watched the same fucking idea made into ten different movies and you can't even pen a few updates for us?! We have jackasses down here still trying to fit camels through the heads of a needle for crying out loud! There are people who still aren't eating pork, thousands of years after some sneaky politician thought it was smart to write it into your book, because there was some bad swine that year. Look around you man, some dickhead remade the Transformers which was way more sacred to me than you'll ever be. The least you could do is publish a sequel for some of the mindless idiots down here. I'll even do you a solid and provide the title for you, "The Bible 2: This Time, It's Fucking Relevant!"

Anyway, I think I've pretty much made my point, but since I know you have the attention span of a crack whore, let me sum it up for you. As far as this plan of yours goes, here's my idea: How about you get a new fucking plan, you know, one that doesn't include earthquakes, tsunamis, cancer, pandemics, religious wars, and pointless death! Just a simple thought from little me, to almighty you.

Oh and here's another thought for you to ponder: I'm totally going to kick your ass if I ever get to meet you, but it's cool, because I know you will forgive me for it regardless. Unless of course you're as full of shit as I think you are, but then I don't really want to be a part of YOUR heaven anyway. From the way your little "plan" has been working out down here on Earth, Heaven is probably just like a bad office job. A bad office job with an indecisive, micromanaging, jackass for a boss who keeps fucking up the project after changing his mind YET again. Besides, at least Hell is where all the bad girls go and if I have to see everyone wearing one thing for all eternity, I would much rather it be sexy black leather than oversized sterile white bathrobes.

Fine, I guess I have to explain basic Catholic doctrine to you. The Church is just saying what God wants. God says "follow these rules". God knows we're human and we're going to fail. But we can ask for forgiveness. I don't "pick and choose", I just fail to follow the rules all the time. But if i want to be forgiven, then God, who loves us, will forgive me. I don't get where i said I was trying to get away with shit. That was hypothetical if you couldn't tell.

If you could explain your comment about how naive i am that would be great. Since you have some conspiracy theory that the church is funding some evil project with the tithe money.

And no I won't get out of the Church because a few kids out of one billion catholics were raped. Once again it's an awful thing that they did, just as bad that it was covered up. But you still didn't address the fact that something like the US Government isn't perfect either (And I'm just using an example, I love the good ol' US of A)

And the reason I say enough with the Hail Marys is because I'm not going to take some sarcastic shit from someone like you on the internet. If a priest tells me to do it for penance I'll do it. But you, you don't tell me what to do.

Yeah, that's an awfully convenient (and delusional) formula to be able to do whatever you want and then just say, "Sorry God" and feel good about yourself. The question remains, why wouldn't you want the inability to do harm to anyone? The only logical answer is so that you can. I don't want to harm anyone, so I could care less if I have the freedom to do so or not. I have no need for the freedom to hurt others, because hurting others is wrong. The only people who crave that freedom are the ones who want the option. So ask yourself, Catholic, why do you want that option? If you could have the option of never failing, when it came to NOT hurting others, why wouldn't you absolutely jump at that idea of a peaceful existence with others? I guess you just want the option of hurting people. Bad Catholic!

Haha conspiracy theory...try straight up history. The Catholic Church has a LONG history of well documented corruption. Including but not limited to:

1. The Vatican's treaty with Mussolini and the Fascist Party in Italy whereby the Vatican would get its own land and country from Italy. In exchange, the Vatican would support the Fascists publicly and privately.

2. The Vatican's agreement with Hitler in the 1930s whereby the Vatican would pressure Catholics in Germany to not oppose Hitler. In return, the Nazis gave money to the Vatican in the form of a church tax levied on German Catholics.

3. The Vatican covering up for some of its officials who took part in the Holocaust.

4. The Vatican helping Nazi scientists escape to the US at the end of WWII. In return, the Allies kept secret knowledge about the Vatican's complicity in the Holocaust and private arrangements with the Axis powers.

5. The Vatican aligning itself with the Mafia after WWII to help secure inroads into foreign governments, and get good deals on investments world-wide.

These things aren't conspiracy theory but just well document events that you just choose to ignore.

The Holy See (the universal government of the Catholic Church) maintains formal diplomatic relations with 176 nations that are members of the United Nations.
It is actively involved in countless organizations to further its message of intolerance of OTHER NON CATHOLIC religions or ideas.

The Holy See is involved in the politics of the; United Nations (UN), Organization of American States (OAS) in Washington, African Union (AU), World Tourist Organization (WToO), World Trade Organization (WTO), World Health Organization (WHO), World Food Program (WFP), United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO), United Nations Environment Program (UNEP), United Nations International Drug Control Program (UNDCP), United Nations Center for Human Settlements (UNCHS), Latin Union (LU), International Organization for Migration (IOM), International Labor Organization (ILO), International Fund for Agricultural Development (IFAD), and the United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO). The World Meteorological Organization in Geneva (WMO), United Nations Committee of Peaceful Use of Outer Space (UNCOPUOS), International Strategy for Disaster Reduction (ISDR), International Maritime Organization (IMO), African Asian Legal Consultative Committee (AALCC) and the International Civil Aviation Organization (ICAO). The Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons (OPCW), Organization for Security and Cooperation in Europe (OSCE), International Telecommunication Satellite Organization (ITSO), World Intellectual Property Organization (WIPO), International Institute for the Unification of Private Law (UNIDROIT), United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR), United Nations Conference on Trade and Development (UNCTAD), International Grains Council (IGC), International Committee for Military Medicine (ICMM), International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA), and the Preparatory Commission for the Comprehensive Nuclear Test Ban Treaty Organization (CTBTO). In addition, Vatican City State is a member of the International Telecommunication Union (ITU) and the Universal Postal Union (UPU).

The political dealings of the church isn't some weird conspiracy theory nor is the long standing history of corruption. The covering up of pedophilia in order to protect their image isn't the first and only corrupt and shady dealings, nor will it be the last.

To ignore the Catholic Church as a political organization without influence is not only ignoring the entire history of the church (in addition to it's present dealings) but it is tantamount to putting your fingers in your ears, closing your eyes and shouting, "La la la la la la God is great, la la la la The church is good, la la la la la la la Reality doesn't matter, la la la la la!"

Does that mean EVERYONE who is Catholic is bad? OF COURSE NOT, any more than it makes ALL Americans bad for the shit our country has done, but don't be naive about it and claim that it just "uses it's money to keep itself running and the rest is used for charity." That's just fucking ridiculous. Your tithe doesn't JUST go to pay the meager salary of a non-raping priest and to feed a kid in Africa, but rather funds and supports the message of intolerance of others around the world through its politics and also pays for the protection of raping priests. You just chose what you focus on, because you are a sheep who can't think for himself and needs someone else to tell you what to do, so you don't have to. "Everything is o.k. because God made it that way...I'm good because I belong to THIS church and not THAT church. How far should I bend over, Father, to do god's will?"

Should you leave the Church because it isn't perfect? NO, I was kidding about leaving because of ass rape...this is a comedy website after all. However, don't kid yourself that God is great for letting us have the free will to kill each other in his name. Or that the church is puppies and roses wrapped up in butterflies. That just makes you look like an idiot. Know what you are claiming to be a part of and teach others reality and not some fantasy your priest has shoved up your ass for you to vomit back out later. Your church causes pain to others as much as it preaches goodness.

So I guess the question is, do you want to honor your god through your own actions (separate from the church) because let's face it, you said it yourself, he'll forgive you for not "being" Catholic or going to church if he ISN'T a dick as you are so sure he isn't. OR do you want to associate yourself with a corrupt organization that supports child rapists and has a long history of death and pain (in addition to its history of good)? The end result is the same, but ask yourself, why do you need the church? To tell you what to do or HOW to worship, or how far to bend over? Just think for yourself instead, but STILL be a good person with good morals and distance yourself from the pain and death of a political organization. Doesn't THAT seem more in line of being a good person? Or are you afraid that god is such an ego maniac dickhead that you have to support all that crap in order for him to be happy.

Why the fuck would any of that please him if he isn't a total dickhead?

Oh and what is your problem with me telling you to say Hail Marys or Our Fathers? They are just prayers. You don't like to pray? Bad Catholic! People pray all the time. People ask each other to pray for something all the time. I'm telling you to pray for YOURSELF, because you are all kinds of wrapped up in the support of child molestation, corruption and intolerance. If a priest tells you to do it for penance you'll do it, but if I tell you to, you won't? Maybe you should just do it for yourself, because you support child ass rape. You can stand up to me, but you can't stand up for moral goodness and poor little raped boys?

Shame on you again, Catholic!
Now go say your Hail Marys and Our Fathers while you think about each rosary bead being a raped child that your organization didn't standing up for.

No, God is not a dick, suffering is a part of life. You that big of a pussy that you expect everything to be perfect all the time? Yes, some people suffer more than others. Life isn't fair. We spend an average of 72 years on this earth taking life's ups and downs. Then get an eternity in paradise.Yes, some lives have more ups, others have more downs. People have to make decisions for themselves, not be controlled by God. If you are suggesting that life would somehow be better if we were all puppets ... well then I don't know what to say to that.

Also, if you're saying that the Catholic Church having morals is a bad thing... I don't know what to say to that either. Is the church enforcing anything on me? No, I can have pre-maritial sex if I want. Church won't do anything about it. The Church is just saying what God himself wants. Whether you're part of the church or not everyone is being held to the same standard in god's eyes. So I don't know where you're going with the whole "You have less free will by being catholic" thing.

The church makes no gain by me being apart of it. Priests and all the higher ups like the bishops don't live in luxury. They take a vow of poverty. The church uses it's money to keep itself running and the rest is used for charity. So I don't see where you're going with that "political mind fuck" thing either.

And your saying because there are bad people within the church I should leave? The US Government used to support slavery and segregation. There's still bad things going on in it today, people abusing their power and abusing others. But that's a fucking great idea. We should all leave America because some of the people running it are bad.

And enough with this " You owe me some more Hail Marys" crap. I'm fifteen navigating my way through highschool and I don't need you giving me shit for defending what I believe. But, of course, I forgot your in college and you know everything plus you're going to "Kick God's ass". That statements pretty ridiculous when you think about itl

So God made life suffering and not fair? Yeah, seems like a dick move to me.

I didn't say totally controlled by God like a puppet, just not able to do wrong. Why are you so hell bent on having the freedom to do wrong, unless you really want to do some shit? Seems telling. Bad Catholic!

Is the church enforcing anything on you? Well yeah, unless you don't follow what they teach you and are just picking and choosing what suits your "want to get away with shit" lifestyle. But then what the hell is the point of even going if you are just going to make up your own rules and let God sort it out in the end. What a fucking waste of your time then!

"The church uses it's money to keep itself running and the rest is used for charity."
Seriously?! Come on man, you said you were fifteen, but I don't remember anyone being THAT naive when they were fifteen.

Yes leave...you're fifteen. Get out! Ass rape!
If the US Government hid the fact that its politicians were raping little boys, I think I would leave if I was fifteen. Shit man, you can come back when you are older. God will understand. Unless he's a dick! What do you have to lose...other than your ass virginity?!

Enough with the Hail Marys and Our Fathers? What kind of a Catholic are you? Repent for your lack of sympathy for poor little raped alter boys! If you can't deal with saying Hail Marys and Our Fathers then you really should leave the church. With you wanting to get away with some shit, that is pretty much all you will hear for the rest of your life.
And what do you mean what you believe...I thought you knew...you were so sure before. Now it is just a belief?

I never claimed to NOT be ridiculous...I'm a humor columnist...what did you expect exactly?

God has the ability to interfere with what ever he wants. He chooses not to in most cases. Would you rather that every time you decided to do something that would harm another some invisible hand of god would reach out and stop you??? It's called free will. God answers prayers

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Verse 3)
Blessed are the meek: for they shall possess the land. (Verse 4)
Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted. (Verse 5)
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill. (Verse 6)
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. (Verse 7)
Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God. (Verse 8)
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. (Verse 9)
Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. (Verse 10)

People suffer on earth, but are re-payed one million fold in heaven. Suffering is a part of life. Some people suffer more than others. But when you get to heaven all suffering ends and you live in paradise for eternity. So maybe some suffering on earth is worth it.

Getting back to the molestation thing. I'm not going to fight for what the catholic church did, because it's true they covered it up. It was wrong to do so. Does that mean that all people in the church are bad? The church is not God. God didn't cover it up. Bad people did. I can't speak for everyone in the Catholic Church. But a miniscule percentage of priests molested anyone,

And we are back to my original point.
If God can interfere with what ever he wants, and chooses not to, then he is just being a dick and letting all these people die/suffer for senseless reasons.

Actually YES, if every time you decided to do something that would harm another person it was automatically stopped, you know what you would have? Peace! Why the fuck, as a good Catholic would you want the freedom to harm another person without being automatically stopped?! It isn't a matter of free will, that's a throw away statement to make you feel better about the lack of involvement from your God.

People don't have free will at all and especially not under the confines of religious doctrine. You can't just do whatever the hell you want without consequences in society, be it religious or otherwise.

Free will is defined as the ability to make choices free from constraints or moral accountability.

Do you as a Catholic (or even as just a person in society) have the freedom to do anything you want free from constraints or moral accountability? No, of course not! I mean think about it, that is exactly what the whole basis of religion is about. Moral accountability! Religious institutions like to straight up tell you that you have free will, when in fact you have LESS of it while following their religious doctrine, in order for them to manipulate you better and get more out of you. It isn't rocket science you know. The people who have the least amount of free will and the MOST amount of "perceived" moral accountability are the religious people.

What you are really pointing out, with all your Bible verses, is that you "believe" (because be honest, there is no way of knowing and it's actually designed that way so you will blindly follow it) that God answers all your prayers, AFTER you die. Your ultimate reward for your blind obedience comes after the fact and you only have sacrifice and suffering before the fact. If that doesn't sound like a corrupt political mind-fuck in order to make you a puppet who doesn't think for themselves, then I don't know what does!

As far as the molestation thing goes, NO, of course that doesn't mean all people in the church are bad, nor did it ever mean that all priests molest kids. HOWEVER, it DOES mean that all people who choose to be associated with the Catholic church are aware of the Catholic church's removal of the priest's moral culpability for their actions. By them covering up the incidences, they demonstrated as an organization (which is greater than an individual priest or minuscule percentage of priests) a complete deviation from their OWN teachings, tainting all of Catholicism. The idea of Mea culpa from the prayer of confession of sinfulness was completely ignored when it applied to those in power, thereby again demonstrating the utter corrupt nature of the organization as a whole.

God is not the church, but as you said, he "chose" to not interfere, I guess so he could grant that free will you cherish so much, to those priests, in order to fuck those little boys. I wonder if those little alter boys felt their suffering on earth was worth it, especially when their church completely turned its back on them as an entire organization. I wonder if those little boys felt like they had free will while their priest was raping them? You know, because God grants us fee will by not interfering with such matters.

You owe me some more Hail Marys and Our Fathers now, Catholic, for defending the lack of involvement of God when his own little innocent lambs were being raped by evil...evil that your church supported and protected.

First of all no i didn't do that intentionally, forgot to fill out the name box. My apologies if my primary concern is not the name i'm going under on this blog.

And no God is not a "Sadist dickhead" because he doesn't interfere with everything going on in this world. God does answer prayers but the world is not perfect and not all prayers are answered. Usually angels are in charge of that stuff anyway if you want to get technical. God works in mysterious ways to say the least.

And I realize that video is supposed to be satire but I'm sick of that whole stereotype that every priest is a pedophile just because a fraction of one percent have gravely sinned by using their power to molest others, especially children.

Wait wait wait, now you are admitting that God DOES interfere with some things and answers prayers, because earlier you said "God has nothing to do with it".

You can't have it both ways, either he has the ability to interfere or he doesn't. He either answers prayers or he doesn't.

If he HAS the ability to interfere when the lives of 200,000 people (like in the case of the Indonesian tsunami, or the Haitian earthquake) are on the line and he doesn't then he absolutely IS a sadist dickhead!

If he DOES have the ability to answer prayers (like when 200,000 people scream, "OH GOD, PLEASE HELP US!") and he doesn't, then he absolutely IS an asshole.

You keep speaking with this matter of fact nature to your comments, but yet are talking yourself in contradicting circles. Give me a fucking break with this, "if you want to get technical" horseshit. Again, like you even have the faintest clue about what the actual reality of it all is.

"Usually angels are in charge of that stuff anyway"
HAHA! Maybe you can provide a spreadsheet of the job descriptions or something so we know who to blame for all the death and destruction going on in the name of religion that ISN'T being stopped or interfered with then. What the fuck are all these angels doing then since they aren't doing squat to stop any of this stuff either?

You know why you keep hearing about priests molesting little boys? Because for AGES the Catholic church denied it was occurring when they knew damn well that it was. The Catholic church has always been corrupt and shady, which is precisely why you will keep hearing about it over and over again. If you question for a second how shady they are why don't you give them a call and ask to read the other gospels or have full access to the Vatican archives. You can't! You know why? Because if they gave the public access to ALL the information associated with their religion they know damn well that their religion (and thus their control over people) would come crumbling down around them like a house of cards.

Awww the poor little priests being associated with child molesters...Boo-fucking-hoo. Maybe if the Catholic church cared more about completely denouncing the behavior and bringing those priests to justice instead of hiding it and covering it up, the world might have a different view of priests and the Catholic church in general. Let's be absolutely clear about this...your church PROTECTED the child molesters instead of the children.

How hard do you think those kids were praying to God (or the angels if you want to get technical) while their priest was raping and molesting them?

Yeah, do me a favor and sign your name "Catholic" from now on, because not only is it important for the ease of communication, but it also lets people know exactly what kind of horseshit to expect from you.

Now go say a shit ton of Hail Marys and an ass load of Our Fathers for siding with an organization that protects child molesters and getting annoyed it keeps getting brought up when it is still occurring. Somewhere right now a little boy is desperately praying while being raped and receiving NO ANSWER...and you are sick of hearing about it.

I believe in a god, but he's like the space version of Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski. And all this arguing his giving him a headache. Imagine being psychic with 6 billion people trying to talk you. You know what I'd do? Get drunk and go bowling.

So you are saying that God is just an indecisive drunk asshole who doesn't really care about the consequences of his actions or inactions? Huh interesting...wait, where have I heard that before? Oh right...this article.

You argue that God is the impetus of all the deaths of people fighting over him. How is that in any way God's fault? That sounds to me like a bunch of people being idiots and killing each other, even it is for God. They use their free will to do what they want. God didn't cause that.

First of all, did that video make you denounce Catholicism since you are no longer signing your comments as Catholic? :P

Second, given your completely hands off scenario then it isn't his fault directly, but rather it is the fault of all the people misinterpreting the Bible/Torah/Quran or the teachings of their Church/Temple/Mosque in his name. That said, then you must conversely maintain that everything good isn't God's doing either and there is absolutely no point in praying to him regularly. I still say under your hands off observational scenario, it kind of makes him a sadist dickhead watching this all go down in his name and doing absolutely nothing about it. His inaction kind of makes it hypocritical for him to then later pass judgment on anyone else.

Oh, Poor Andrei... You make fun of yourself. The image of God is light. Can't you understand those renowned physicists, and take no heed of what Einstein was expounding so much? Any matter is just a condensed light, nothing extraordinary or exotic than plain light. Therefore, God is in control of everything (so as to make you a bit handsome than others :D ). You can't even kick your own buttocks that hard, then you fancy kicking any spirit you love to mock around? ;) That's pretty nonsense. Better abide the golden rule: Do not act in a way you get an unwanted but equivalent reaction. Peace :)

From a statistical standpoint, far more death and evil has occurred in the world in the name of God than has ever occurred in the name of Satan. I mean, honestly I don't believe in either one, but for argument sake, let's say they both actually exist. How many people have died with God being the impetus? Many millions?! How many have died with Satan being the impetus in comparison? Sure, you might get the occasional crazy Satan worshiper who does a human sacrifice, but compared to the sacrifices committed in the name of God over the years, it's actually quite minuscule.

So many people have claimed that God created us and the world and just set it in motion and doesn't interfere. However, what if while he is not interfering, along comes the REAL evil who DOES want to interfere, causing war in his name all the while convincing you that he is the good one? He demands regular worship (every Sunday for example) and personal "material" sacrifice (tithing for example) with the added message of proselytizing and eradication of other competing religions. Temples, Churches & Mosques are all built for his "glory" while he does absolutely nothing to stop all the fighting and death in his name.

Does that sound like the expectations or actions of a rational and benevolent being?!
Doesn't that sound MORE like something that a TRUE EVIL would attempt, while the good one expects people to know the difference between right and wrong and just not participate in all the death, judgment and destruction of each other over something as silly as an idea without any concrete proof?

What if you all are actually falling for it and in the end will be judged for your blind participation in the True Evil force on this planet?

Julius, I certainly do make fun of myself on a regular basis, because I am not such an ego maniac that I can't laugh at myself. If God can't see that what I'm doing is adding more laughter to the world instead of pain and suffering then he is certainly very dense indeed.

I can assure you that I can kick my own ass pretty hard.
I'm actually quite flexible.

Again with the circle talk. If God doesn't follow the golden rule then he could hardly fault others for not following it without being a total hypocritical turd. He's actually getting off pretty easy with a simple ass kicking from me, compared to some of the trauma he's responsible for in the world.

Oh, I noticed you ridicule the enigmatic role of the appendix, Andrei. How dare you ignored the most advanced science, dear friend. You are just misinformed! Appendix most of the time prevent colon cancer. Hmmm, you toy with cutting it off? ;)

Anyway, if you don't believe how Eve came into being, better question what happened you evolved having useless nipples :D Better cut them of rather than your appendix. Ouch!

BTW, God is in control of everything.

Better watch out and prepare. Better gifts are often given much later ;)

Julius, as usual you are talking in circles. If there was no cancer then there would be no need for an appendix that "most of the time" might prevent colon cancer. I think I'll take the complete lack of cancer over the odds of "most of the time" with the added possibility of appendicitis.

Here's a question, if God made us in his image, why the fuck does HE have nipples then?!

If God is actually in control of everything, it's a good thing I wrote him this letter telling him to knock all this horseshit off.

I better watch out and prepare?! His drunk ass better watch out and prepare, because I am totally going to kick his ass when I meet him, for all this crap going on!

Better gifts? What, like fruitcake or something?!
I mean so far he's given us earthquakes, tsunamis, cancer, pandemics, religious wars, and pointless death! Fruitcake is technically better than all that...though not by much.

Oh, Andrei... Don't be too poor of not knowing that with all these pressures in this transient life come individuals made into jewels of different classes, some are even as diamonds, the hardest and loveliest of them all. Peace ;)

BTW, don't listen to all denominational Christians. All of them are leaven bread.

I think there is one big flaw with your letter to God. God is not a puppet master controlling everything that happens here on earth. God created the earth and then put us on it, he then gave us free will. Our greatest gift from god is our free will. So you can say "Why God?" when something bad happens, but God has nothing to do with it. Usually these things are the result of other people using their free will in a way that is not good.
There is enough food on earth for all people to be fed, but we as humans, don't distribute it properly. So when you ask how god can let an orphanage full of children somewhere in the world be blown up. Obviously it's a tragedy. But you have to remember that god didn't send a missile or bomb or whatever at the building. It was another person using their free will.
Yes natural disasters are not caused by human free will, but that's just nature, the way our world works. Every tragedy is not god's fault. Would you rather that you sat on earth like a puppet with god controlling your every decision? I don't think so.

Haha! I love the matter of fact nature of your comment.
Yeah sure, like you actually know.

I guess that means everyone can stop praying then, because if what you are saying is true (which it must be since you said it with such confidence) then praying for stuff is really doing fuck all for anyone.

Here's a thought, if God created everything and then is just sitting back watching people kill each other and also watching nature wipe out huge amounts of people...doesn't that make him kind of a sadist dickhead?

UPDATE: In yet another post holiday bender, this time Ash Wednesday, God decided to make a real ash of himself and move Japan 2.4 meters (7 ft 10 in) toward the east, causing an 8.9-magnitude earthquake and a huge fuck off tsunami. Is anyone else starting to see a pattern here?