Village Craftsmen Ocracoke Newsletter

September 21,
2013

Ocracoke humor runs deep in islanders' veins. Whether on the deck of a
sailing vessel, on the porch of the general store, at the Coffee Shop,
or around the kitchen table, Ocracokers can often be heard telling
stories about their neighbors, their kinfolk, and themselves...and
laughing heartily.

Below is a sampling of tales I have heard. Some are funniest when
shared orally, and maybe you had to know the people to fully appreciate
a few of the stories. Of course, some of them will be funnier than
others...but they all will give you a glimpse into Ocracoke Island
humor. I hope you
enjoy the following stories.

Ocracoke men are sometimes called by their first name plus their
father’s nickname. For example, Robert Dozier Tolson (son of
Benjamin Henry [Hank] Tolson) was routinely called Rob Hanks.

The following story has been told on Ocracoke for several generations.

Ocracoke native, Captain Thomas Franklin Gaskins (Tom Franks), was
approaching a draw bridge in his schooner. The bridge tender, in his
role as river sentry, called down, “What’s your
destination?”

“Pasquotank,” was the reply.

“What’s your name, captain?”

“Tom Franks.”

“Who’s your mate?”

“Rob Hanks.”

“And your deckhand?”

“Ben Franks.”

What are you carrying?

“Pine planks.”

The bridge tender, it is said, thinking the captain was being insolent,
cussed out Capt. Gaskins and threatened to not open the draw for him.

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This story is told about a group of teenagers in the early 1960s. Five
or six boys and girls had driven a car down to Springer’s Point
(in those days there was a sandy lane from the edge of the village to
the sound shore). The car soon mired down in the sand and mud. The
teenagers’ efforts to push the car out were unsuccessful. It
wouldn’t budge. Finally a boy asked one of the others to pray.
“That’s the only way we’ll ever get out of
here,” he said.

His friend obliged. “Dear God, please help us get our car out of this god-damned mud,” he intoned.

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Jake loved to mess around with cars, trucks, and engines. As a result
he was always begomed* with grease and oil. His mother-in-law remarked,
“Jake will never have aches and pains in his joints. He’s
too well oiled.”

*begomed is an island term meaning smeared or covered

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A Hatterasman was separated from his wife while visiting Morehead City,
and became anxious when he couldn’t find her. He contacted the
police. “What’s your wife’s name?” the officer
asked. “Her name is Nel-wee [Nellie]…and she has a big
bel-wee [belly]," he reported.

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The same Hatterasman was once accused of stealing an anchor. The judge
addressed him: “Sir, will you please take the stand.”

“I might as well, your honor” he said. “I’ve been accused of taking just about everything else.”

When questioned about the missing anchor, which had been found in his
possession, the accused answered, “Your honor, I do have the
anchor, but I didn’t steal it. I found it floating in the
sound.”

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Some years ago a “Camp Meeting” and revival were being held
on Hatteras Island. Sails were improvised to create a tent, and crude
wooden benches were built. Several of the young men from Ocracoke
decided to take their skiffs to the meeting. One man arrived at the
shore, prepared to climb into the skiff already “three sheets to
the wind.”

“What?” asked one of the others, “You’re going
to a camp meeting, and you’re drunk already? You need to repent
and ask to be delivered from drunkenness.”

“Well,” he replied, “I believe if I'm going
to do something, I ought to be well prepared, and I should make an
early start of it.”

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An Ocracoker was traveling by bus down the Eastern Shore of Virginia in
the 1930s, on his way home after working months in Philadelphia. As
they approached one stop, a decidedly unattractive woman was standing
on the steps of the general store. “My oh my,” the
Ocracoker murmured, “that may be the ugliest woman that ever drew
a breath.”

His seatmate turned to the islander and uttered only three words: “That’s my wife.”

Trying to recover, the Ocracoker corrected himself. “I
wasn’t talking about the woman standing on the steps. I was
talking about that younger woman behind her.”

“That’s my daughter,” was the icy retort.

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Two sisters were known throughout the village for their obsessive house
cleaning. Whenever they could, they enlisted their husbands to help
them. The women were even accused of getting their men to back out the
screws on the kitchen cabinets so they could clean behind them!

In the springtime major cleaning was more a formality than a necessity
since both houses were always immaculate. One husband wandered down to
the docks in the afternoon to take a break from spring cleaning.
“Well,” inquired a fishermen, “how is it
going?”

His terse reply: “I found one fly wing.”

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Many years ago a Hatteras native was stationed at the Portsmouth Life
Saving Station. His wife came with him. The surfman was given a few
days leave, and he and his wife decided to take their sail skiff back
to Hatteras.

In Pamlico Sound the man’s wife fell overboard, but the husband
didn’t realize what had happened until he looked back. The woman
was wearing a hoop skirt, and she was floating on the surface, hardly
even damp from the waist up. Her husband said she looked just like a
buoy!

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Three brothers were accustomed to “nipping” and playing
poker now and then. All three attended a revival, and two got religion.
They began testifying. “I am so glad I gave my heart to the
Lord,” one brother offered.

“Jesus is coming soon,” the other brother testified, to
which the first brother added, “He has one foot in the sound, one
foot on land, and the other foot in the ocean.”

The third brother got laughing so hard he fell on the floor and had to crawl out the door.

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One mama decided to
order a new pair of shoes for her young son.
She wrote a letter to the mail order company. “Dear Sears,”
she penned, without any mention that she wanted to order shoes,
“He don’t want black, he wants brown. He don’t want
9s, he wants 11s.”

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Ocracoke got telephone service in the 1950s. A representative from
“Ma Bell” came to the island to promote the new technology.
“You can connect with your neighbors and friends just by picking
up the receiver” he told one islander.

“Then you’d better connect me to heaven,” she
replied. “This one over here has died, and that one over there
has one foot in the grave.”

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