Experts agree: ESPN program royally stinks

ESPN's critically lame "Playmakers" might be the worst show on TV, even worse than "Around the Horn."

Unwatchable doesn't adequately describe "Playmakers," the worldwide leader's latest attempt to become a full-fledged sports entertainment network. ESPN's heart is in the right place. The network should consistently produce original, dramatic sports cinema.

But it has to do better than "Playmakers," which by the time its mythical NFL season concludes might make ESPN super failures "A Season on the Brink" and "Junction Boys" look like "The Godfather" I and II.

Yes, you'd think ESPN would have quite a bit of insight into making a fictional series about an NFL team. ESPN is clearly the worldwide leader when it comes to access to professional locker rooms. The network covers the sports world 24/7/365.

"Playmakers" had the chance to be the sports equivalent of HBO's "The Sopranos" or "The Wire" or "Six Feet Under." Instead, every Tuesday night we're served a bad daytime soap opera.

"Nothing in there is realistic," said Chiefs guard Brian Waters. "You got a guy going from smoking crack to 30 seconds later being on the field playing in a game. Get real."

Well, let's don't be too naive. Many of us read Hollywood Henderson's book. An NFL locker room can be a crazy place. But "Playmakers" fails because it's just one gigantic cliche stuffed into one locker room. You have the aging star running back trying to hold off a disrespectful, extremely talented rookie. You have an aging coach fighting off health concerns and job stress. You have the good-guy linebacker trying to overcome the devastating career-ending hit he laid on an opponent.

Those tired story lines are mixed in with the groupies and drugs. You leave the show feeling that everybody on an NFL roster is Lawrence Taylor out of control.

"It just stretches everything," Priest Holmes said of the show. "But as far as some of the things that are around this lifestyle, the pressure we face, the temptation we face, some of that is right on the money. It just stretches things too far."

Quarterback Trent Green said: "It's entertaining. I don't think it's indicative of what NFL life is like. But it's a TV show. It's like I tell my kids, 'Don't believe half the stuff you see on TV.' "

The show and the characters on the show have no depth. There's no context, no detail, no development. The writing for the show is so lazy and weak that it relies on narrative voices to tell viewers what's motivating the main characters.

The show is childish. It's written by hacks, and it's written by people who know very little about the real details of a professional athlete's life. The second episode focused on the rookie running back's possible upcoming drug test. On the show a team of doctors stood around as he urinated into a cup.

The scene climaxed when the writers let us in on the running back's private thoughts. He thought the doctors were gay.

"What total b.s.," a former longtime NFL player told me. "You go in a bathroom and some security guy the league hired stands there and makes sure you pee in the cup. It's no big dramatic deal."