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SMS Jokes 98

After enjoying their honeymoon, the newly weds snuggle in the afterglow.“That was amazing!” groom gasps.
“I’m glad you like it. I learned it in the circus,” bride replies.
“Really? I didn’t know you were in the circus.”
“Yes, I was the sword swallow.” 😀

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Funny, that a man’s silence can break a woman’s heart into a thousand pieces, while a woman’s silence can give a man a thousand moments of peace.:-)

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Women think they already know everything but short courses are now available for them on the following subjects..

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. Parties: Going W/o new outfits
3. CR Etiquette: Men Need Space in CR Cabinet too
4. Comm. Skills: Getting What You Want w/o Nagging
5. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up
6. Intro. To Parking
7. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
8. PMS: Your Problem… Not His
9. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
10. TV Remotes: For Men Only
11. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

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Pretty girl nervously asked doctor to remove a large chunk of wax from her navel.
DOC: How did this happen?
GAL: Well, you see, Doc, my boyfriend likes to EAT by candlelight.

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“The difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.”B-)

Pick up lines:
If it’s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
Nice skirts! It would look better on my bedroom floor.
Want to play army? I can lay down and you can blow the hell out of me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?;)

The wife got up early in the morning and shouted: “Darling, the cat has again drunk the milk!”
The husband shouted back: “Hon, I have told you to wear a Bra while sleeping!!”😉

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A church deacon learned of a newly opened nudist camp in his parish. He decided to go there to let the people there know that they are welcome at the church properly dressed.
The deacon undressed to enter the place. After a while, he noticed an attractive girl eying him. He went to her and said, “If you’re wondering about the Roman collar, I’m a deacon of this parish.”
To which, she replied, “Seeing your balls, I thought you were a canon!“:-D

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What Doctors Say Vs. What They Mean

They say, “This should be taken care of right away.”
They mean: “I’d planned a U. S. trip next month, but this so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.”

They say: “Let me check your medical history.”
They mean: “I want to see if you paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.”

They say: “Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week?”
They mean: “I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another visit.”

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A sadist and a masochist were locked in a room together.In a short while the masochist began to freak out, begging, “Hit me, hit me!”To which the sadist replied, “NO”:-D

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A man was seen fleeing a hospital before his operation.
“What’s the matter?” he was asked.
He replied, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will all right.'”
“She’s just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!” :-/

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“How was your blind date?” a college student asked her 21-year-old roommate.
“Terrible!” the roommate answered. “He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce.”
“Wow! That’s a very expensive classic car. What’s so bad about that?”
“He was the original owner.”:-D

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A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she’d had. “I was at a penises’ auction. The big ones sold for $1000 & the tiny ones for $10.”
Husband: “what about one my size?”
Wife: “Didn’t get a bid!”
Pissed off & wanting revenge, the next morning, he told wife he’d had a dream too: “I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight ones sold for $1000 & the loose ones for $10.”
Wife: “what about ones like mine?”
Husband: “That’s where they held the auction!”

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A man told his landlord about the tenants in the apartment above his. “Many a night, they stomp on the floor and shout till midnite.”
When the landlord asked if it bothered him, he replied, “Not really, for I usually stay up and practice my trumpet till about that time most every night anyway.”

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A woman quickly picked up some items in the supermart, then headed for the xpress lane. The clerk has his back turned to her, so she asks, “Excuse me, I’m in hurry, could you please check me out?”
The clerk turned around, looked her up and down, then said, “Nice tits!”B-)