Author
Topic: Match message: Was he rude and should I respond? (Read 15077 times)

Okay I literally have another tab open with a message I haven't sent yet and I soooo want to send it but I'm not being objective so I need you guys to weigh in.I know we're supposed to rise above and not engage and blah blah, but I am really feeling like I can't just let this go. I know I should probably not dignify it with a response, but I want to come up with a classy dignified response that will shrivel him to two inches tall.

Please help me get some perspective:

I am on an online dating site. I messaged this guy I was matched with, and he wrote back. He was polite enough to answer my questions that I sent as conversation starters, but then said he wasn't interested. If he had left it at that I would have been fine, but he felt the need to explain why he wasn't interested... I will quote the relevant part of the email:

"I'll be honest, I'm not attracted to your profile. It's pretty long and superficial and I couldn't identify with all these things coming from mainstream culture (TV, popular music, etc.). While the latter is more specific to me personally, I think you could shorten the whole thing, be more concise and direct about what's unique about you and about what you want. Just my 2 cents."

So basically, he could have left it after the first sentence. Instead, he calls my profile "superficial" and proceeds to give me advice on how to "improve" on it. I just...I can't even...

At least tell me am I crazy or was he rude? It really feels like he was...this seriously isn't the way people are responding these days is it? By telling already rejected matches where there's room for improvement? Am I pushing a mole hill into a mountain or is this out of line? I mean I've read plenty of profiles that I didn't think much of, but I would never tell someone to their virtual face that I thought their profile was lacking. I just feel like you don't criticize someone, even if you're rejecting them. Especially if you're rejecting them! It isn't polite.

I really want to call him on this "advice," but I feel like I have been set up to be the overreacting bad guy when he was "just trying to help."

I want a way to say to him "Hey you presumptuous [redacted], you can shove your two cents"...but you know, in a polite way.

And yes I'm sure I should just let it go and not let some stranger get to me etc. etc...

But I'm stuck in indignation mode!

So what's your vote guys? Rude? Should I call him on it? If so, any advice on how to respond and keep my dignity - or would responding make dignity impossible?

Logged

"... for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."-William Shakespeare

"We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't." ~Frank A. Clark

See, helpful advice at this point is only going to help him mask his judgemental, must correct you, personality with the next girl he meets. Why help with the subterfuge. I would just stay silent and allow him to continue shooting himself in the foot.

Don't engage. He struck a nerve with his arrogance. Just delete what he sent and move on. Now...perhaps there is a tadbit of merit? I don't know. But it never hurts to review your profile if you find you are not happy with your matches or are not connecting on that site. If you are satisfied that your profile is good, then ignore him. This stranger shouldn't have that kind of power over your emotions.

Immadz got it right. SOme people have such an inflated sense of their own importance that they think it is helpful to jam their opinions down everyone else's throat regardless of whether they were asked or not. If you message him back he might learn to mask that trait until some poor woman has wasted a date or so on him.

Also, honestly, don't give this guy room in your head. Who cares what he thinks?

Agree with immadz. If this is how he behaves, he's not going to do well.

In a way, he did you a favour and saved you a lot of time and future unpleasantness by showing his true colours so early.

Yes, I essentially went from disappointed to relieved in a matter of sentences.

And funnily enough my reply back to him (which I have now deleted) had the retorted 'advice' that most people don't like getting their profiles 'proofread' by potential matches. But you're right - let him find out the hard way how far helpful critiques like that get him.

Thank you all for helping me back down to earth.

Total time between being hurt/mad and now laughing about it (and him): ~ 30 minutes.

Logged

"... for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."-William Shakespeare

"We find comfort among those who agree with us - growth among those who don't." ~Frank A. Clark

That almost made me laugh! Not at what he said about you, and that wouldn't have been my reaction if he'd said it about me, but since it wasn't about me I can see him for exactly what he is.

I knew a guy like that. Thankfully I never dated him, but I saw how he treated the women who did. He was so DEEP, you see, and they were all so boring and vapid and just didn't appreciate how lucky and special they were that he bothered to take them out! He never could figure out why nobody wanted to date him for long. He blamed it on bad luck, insecure women, "psycho female-dogs", etc. Yeah, keep telling yourself that, guy!

My vote? Ignore him. Sure you could send some scathing reply that would shred him, except it wouldn't. He'd think "That poor woman is so upset that I've rejected her that she's throwing a fit. How shallow! She can't even see that I was trying to be helpful!" It simply doesn't occur to these types that no, they aren't perfect, and not everyone is sitting on the edge of their seat waiting for Mr. Wonderful to dole out more wisdom.

I think he has Match profile and English essay confused, as well as the role of potential suitor versus editing service.

Logged

My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

I think your profile is perfect. It filtered out this jerk. Isn't that the job of the profile? To attract people you want and keep away judgemental losers like him?

Yeah I'd be really tempted to reply 'My profile is working as intended.' and let him mull about what you really meant. But this guy isn't worth the effort of engaging and I think the best response is no response. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of a reply, good or bad.

Sounds like a version of "negging" (putting someone down to get them interested) as well as a strategy to get you to respond (get her talking then make a move). I would say it is straight out of some player's guide out there.