Dublin Commuters To Be Staggered Alphabetically To Ease Congestion

Dublin City Council have come up with an innovative way to ease overcrowding on public transport during peak times by a massive 50%. Council boss Anthony Breslin explained exactly how it’s going to work at a press conference at the civic offices on Wood Quay last night.

“We intend to put into action a plan that will halve crowd sizes on public transport during the busiest times by staggering commuters alphabetically. For example, people whose surnames begin with the letters M to Z will be required to stay in work an extra hour in the evenings so those with names from A to L can get home quickly and in comfort. The next morning the M to Z people will get an extra hour in bed as the A to L group will go to work first. The two groups will swap places the following week and that’s how the system will work.”

So how will they ensure people stick to their group and how do they intend to enforce the staggering system?

“If people don’t want to go to work on the roof of a Luas they’ll co-operate because that’s where we’re headed. Like in India. Okay they don’t have the Luas in India but you know what I mean. Well maybe they do have a Luas in India, I can’t be sure, but if they do it’s definitely not called the Luas because that’s the Irish word for speed. Luas. I suppose they could have a tram in India that’s named after the Indian word for speed but I don’t know the Indian word for speed. I don’t know the Indian word for anything to be honest. Except food words like curry and tikka masala. Or maybe they’re the English translations of Indian words. I’d have to Google that. Anyway stop trying to change the subject. This thing is happening so people might as well get used to it.”

We went out and spoke to commuters in Dublin to gauge the reaction to the announcement and as expected, not everyone was feeling positive about the proposed staggering system.

Mark Duggan from Finglas told us “Me bollix!! I won’t be staying in work an extra hour for any c**t. They can shove it up their holes.” Joanne Byrne from Tallaght also didn’t sound keen on the idea. She told us “The first person who tries to stop me getting on a bus or a Luas is going to get knifed. I’m not joking. I’ll cut them up good.”