Thursday, July 13, 2006

ESPY's Diary

ESPY's DiaryWelcome to the Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles with your host Roman Veytsman. Refreshments are out back where I will be selling them for $10.

4:05 I arrive fashionably early only to find that none of the 350 people in black suits have a clue of where anything is. I hope Terrell Owens didn’t have the same problems.4:25 Jeanette Lee, or someone who resembles her (It’s actually Angela Sun) interviews Mike Metzger and Aaron Rowand, who says you go out there and do all you can, dig deep, insert 8 more clichés here. Lee has no clue who either of those guys are until someone radios into her. Then she asks Rowand how he feels about the Phillies struggling. I thought she was gonna pull put the will Charlie Manuel be fired question.4:30LaLa or LaLa’s look–a-like (I’m not sure it’s her at all actually) interviews Greg Oden and the women’s prep basketball player of the year Tina Charles who looks menacing. She’s about 6’8 and looks to have a physique similar to Oden. She asks Oden what it’s like to be at the ESPY’s for the first time. “It’s my second time, I’m a veteran he counters.” Which college are you going to”? she asks. Are you serious, has this girl been hiding behind a rock. This man (and I do mean man, he looks like he’s 40) is the best high school player since Lebron James and would have easily been the No.1 player picked the in the draft.4:40 Reggie Bush appears on the red carpet to do an interview with Stuart Scott. First, Scott’s producer brings over Antoine Randle El, to which Scott says “No the other black guy in the white suit.” Meanwhile, Bush is rocking Kobe Bryant gear, a beige sweater vest with a shirt and tie underneath. Who knew Kobe would start the preppy look after all that happened. Can I shake his publicist’s hand?443: Stuart Scott announces that Tedy Bruschi has won and is not here. Let me remind you this is more than an hour before the ESPY’s. Thanks to the Wildcat for sending me. Next I’ll be going to cover Steve Kerr in Chicago. Oh wait, what, he doesn’t play there anymore. My fault.4:48 Lala calls Julius Jones… Julius Erving, and then tries to defend herself by saying that she just spoke with Erving. She also asked him what position he played. I think ESPN is trying to beat out Fox for most hot girls with absolutely zero knowledge of sports and zero journalistic skills. My 14 year old sister knows more sports than these girls. What a shame.4:50 Jones on Terrell Owens: “I don’t think there’s gonna be any problems but there could be. At least he’s being honest.5:15 I walked down the red carpet, but no interview with Angela Sun. If there was one it would have gone something like this: Angela: Great to see you, Robert. You did a great job in the World Bowl, how do you feel about Terrell Owens joining the Dallas Mavericks, isn’t it great. I like your shirt by the way, I know the designer.Me: Um…it’s Roman and I’m just walking through, do you know where the press area is?Angela: Yeah, you were great scoring on the full court press, congratulations on the season…Get the makeup lady in here ASAP.5:20 Kobe Bryant walks down the red carpet and in a comical scene, Lisa Guerrero begins to shout her name at him. It went something like this: “Kobe, it’s Lisa…Lisa Guerrero, Kobe, it’s LISA GUERRERO.” That’s followed by Kobe doing an interview with the ABC affiliate and turning to Guerrero who’s standing next to ABC, and saying “sorry, it’s almost 6 o’clock, I gotta go.” I’m not making this up.5:25 Lisa has better luck when Chris Berman comes by and gives her a kiss on the lips. (Insert you’re with me leather joke here). I was itching to yell it out, but thought better of it. For those of you who don’t know, Guerrero is married to former Arizona Wildcat pitcher Scott Erickson.6:08 Lance makes a joke about his nuts, a tasteful start to the award show. Comment from media member next to me: “this isn’t your father’s Lance Armstrong. Note: after the show, when asked if he was a little bit too edgy, Armstrong said “If they knew me they would know that it was actually a step down.”6:10 Lance: “Bode Miller is here, and he’s totally sober.” (Best joke of the night, already, this won’t be topped.6:13 Lance makes a joke about Jake Gyllenhaal sitting toward the front of the theatre instead of the rear. I’m not even sure we’re allowed to print that one. Jimmy Kimmel follows shortly by asking TO if there’s any gay stuff in his book.6:21 Vince Young wins the first ESPY. He looks as confused as he did when he took the Wonderlic Test but makes a quick recovery with a joke about Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart. Those are going to stop real quick when he finds himself on the bench for his first two seasons.6:37 Vince Young admits he likes TI and gospel music. What a combination.6:40 Ludacris says he keeps his phone on vibrate and doesn’t have any ring tones. I have to admit I watched Crash last night and have a whole new respect for his talents. But then I think of the song “Move Bitch.”6:46 Shaun Alexander is asked how he proposed to his wife and before answering he takes a long glance at his ESPY.7:44 Lance wins best male athlete, this show is rigged. (Lance says “The show isn’t rigged.”) ESPN has more power than you think. As Lance is accepting, Will Ferrell comes out to serenade Lance and brings out a man posing as Neil Armstrong, Lance’s long lost father. Just when Will Ferrell was tiring me out with his stupid antics, he makes a comeback reminiscent of Alonzo Mourning, who was also in attendance.8:09 Jason McElwain wins best moment. Kobe’s wife Vanessa is visibly upset.8:13 Elizabeth Banks, from 40 year old Virgin, a gorgeously stunning blonde trips and almost eats it. Mark Wahlberg makes fun of her then proceeds to book her and 10 other celebrities for the next season of Entourage.8:30 Mariah Carey comes out in a long pink dress that leaves little to the imagination on top8:40 I’m not going to lie, this is becoming really boring. Cue Lance, let’s end this before we all fall asleep.

Final Note: Lance’s opening monologue is hysterical and a definite must watch. TIVO it, go to You Tube, do whatever you have to do. Ferrell coming on stage with a drink in his hand and singing also must see TV. Aside from those two moments and a few other skits with Lance, Danica Patrick was the only interesting presenter when she shook her ass at Ludacris’ request.