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life is not fair.

It’s not fair.
Life, I mean.
I really don’t understand it.
My boyfriend was almost at the Boston Marathon, working.
He was almost at the finish line, even.
But, literally, while driving there, he made a change of plans.
And went to Fenway Park, instead.
Thank God.
But I don’t like to talk about it too much.
There are too many people who were there.
Too many people who love people who were there.
And it’s not fair to them that I am not suffering while they are.
They don’t do life better than me.
They don’t deserve loss any more than me.
But here is the truth:
Pain touches all.
Perhaps to lesser degrees, yes, but pain is pain and it is part of the human experience.
For some reason, we do not get to know all the answers to our questions.
We can ask them, sure.
We can talk to those around us, and in fact, there is healing in that.
I still talk to loved ones about a pain that is now three years old.
Still dissect and decipher it, like what I did with the owl pellets in seventh grade science class.
I call out what I find, notice the differences the findings make now when compared to then.
A flood that was both damning and could not be dammed.
Yes, talking about it is good and necessary; yet, it generally does not move us away from the mystery. The overwhelming question mark.
Dear God.
Yes, dear God.
I look to God for help.
For grace to keep walking.
For me, for them, for us all.
And I do not understand why I do not have to grieve while others do.
Now, anyway.
But it is not my job to understand.
It is my job to practice, practice, practice.
Gratitude and compassion and kindness and hope.
It is my job to understand that this is life–a great, reaching circle of joy and hope and pain and loss and then, somehow, redemption and love steps in.
Removing the sting of the loss.
Showing us a way up, always up, out of the bitterness and judgement.
And into peace.
Showing us a better way.
As we hurt and as we heal.
Let it be.
No, life is not fair.
We hurt more than we deserve.
And no, life is not fair.
We are given beauty and joy and hope and true relationships–all these things are more than we deserve, as well.
And I am left here, trying to measure a mystery with my two hands, when it is larger than the entire universe itself.