July 25, 2008

caution: feelings ahead

i’m starting to think i’m one of those girls. i always like to think that i’m not a stereotypical anything, unless of course you count the fact that i’m type A all the way, i’m okay with being pigeon-holed into that one because it’s all me. but the type of girl i’m talking about is something i guess i’ve always been but never really wanted to admit. i’m a bitch, yes. but i’m a bitch because i’m too sensitive so i strive to go in the exact opposite direction of what i’m realy feeling. i may come off as cold and heartless sometimes but it’s merely because i’m protecting myself. it’s not that i don’t get hurt, but i don’t want people to know that they’ve hurt me.

don’t get me wrong, there are people i’ve opened my heart to and they knew how much they hurt me, but that’s definitely the minority. with the exception of S the list of these people is all male. primarily love interests. i don’t even tell my family when they’ve hurt me. not in a nice way anyway. but this is how my family is, this is how my mother is. we don’t get “hurt” we get MAD. we yell and scream and cry but we never express how we really feel. it’s all very guarded. and no matter how much i want to i can’t seem to break from this style.

i tend to get my feelings hurt easily. right now, M and S are the only ones who would ever be able to tell you this. everyone else thinks i’m a hardass. but when a friend stands me up for a night out, it hurts. when that friend goes out of their way to find me, stop me, and apologize at a public event it makes me feel better. but when that friend finally gets on facebook and then doesn’t accept my invite it hurts (okay, the fact that anything that happened in FB bothers me is totally embarrassing, but essentially it’s the equivalent of saying “no, we’re not really friends” and that can hurt). i just don’t get it.

i get my feelings hurt when i’m scheduling lunch with a friend and they never get back to me. why did they contact me to do lunch? i just don’t get it.

i get my feelings hurt (sad to say) when i send out a ton of resumes and don’t hear anything back. in my head i know that the market is bad and it’s tough for everyone to get a job. but at the same time i know what a great employee i am and that i’d be perfect for the job. the fact that people don’t want to hire me, or even contact me based on my name and history in front of them hurts. it feels like an insult.

that’sall really been bothering me. add it to the usual pain of my relationship and it leaves me really down in the dumps some days. my relationship isn’t bad, it’s wonderful. except some days i feel some pain. most days i know how lucky i am. most days i know that i have found that person i’ve looked for my entire life. most days i know that i have someone who loves me and takes great care of me. but then some days… some days i cry. some days i’m afraid that i may love him more. some days it really hurts my feelings that we’re still not moving toward that next stage of our lives. some days i feel like him not asking me those 4 words means it’s one more day that he’s willing to let me go. some days are tough. the hardest part is that i have no reason to question him or where this is going anymore. he’s told me where we’re headed, and we’re on the same path (which was the question that cause all my heartache in the past year). and while in my head i know that he’s been out looking at rings and he’s got it all “in the works” (that’s what he says) it’s sometimes not so clear in my heart. and we all know that the head and heart don’t always have an open line of communication. they could really use some couples counseling.

but because of this lack of communication between the two i have days like this. it started last night. i was having a great day. i left for work smiling and spent most of the day thinking about how wonderful M is and how happy i am to have him in my life. and at some point on my drive home from work i got upset. i believe i was even thinking about imaginary wedding stuff and it just got me upset. that’s when this started. talking to M last night i was not myself, i was not happy. and i woke up the same way. today is one of the days that i’m hurt. my feelings are hurt because of so many things the biggest of these being that as of this moment M is willing to let me go. at least that’s how it feels.

i can’t wait for the weekend. i need some good relaxing with the love of my life. i need to get back to good (that’s from a song i’m just drawing a blank on what song but it’s a good saying anyway).

~ today i learned… google’s name is a play on the word googol, which refers to the number 1 followed by 100 zeros. ~

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I am a bitch and I am emotional. And in the world that we live in, it’s not okay to be both. So most the times it’s easier to be the bitch. People may hate you for it, but in the end they will respect you and won’t walk all over you.

Reading this post makes me want to jump out of the internet and give you a big hug. I hope you had a wonderful weekend with M, and that you’re keeping’ on keepin’ on being content with what’s in front of you.

I know what you mean about being sensitive, except I don’t really have that bitch thing down. I’m the girl who’ll go lock herself in the bathroom to cry for awhile, and whose boyfriend will constantly tell her she ought to toughen up, because the world isn’t always as nice as she’d like. From either perspective, though, it’s rough. Hope things start leveling out for you soon!