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Hello, all you fancy people! Are you ready for some fanciness? Are you ready to see some things we desperately need, because we like to be fancy, whatever that means?

I don’t think you’re ready. In fact, first I have to say that some of you shouldn’t even be here. If you’ve already thought: CONSUMERISM SUCKS! I need you to walk away. I need you to click the x on the box and just go read some other bullshit. Because you don’t belong here. You don’t understand.

OK, now that -those- people have left, we can get down to the fancy things.

Our very first fancy thing is actually an absolute bargain at $2.99. That’s like half a beer in Washington D.C. And then you can drink the other half of the beer, and some more beers, and write on this napkin and still get home safely.

So yes, buy this:

And what are you going to do when that taxi takes you home? You can’t just sit on your boring futon-couch. No, that will not do. That is not fancy. YOU NEED TO SIT ON THE HEAD OF A DEMIGOD. The head of Hercules, in particular. And if that’s not fancy enough for you, then just touch this right here. This shit is soft. It’s a soft Hercules head, which everyone knows is good for your butt. Also, there’s no price, because you can’t put a price on this kind of comfort/fanciness.

Of course, some fancy things can be priced. Lots of fancy things are, indeed, priced, and they can be priced quite outrageously. Like this shark bracelet, just $995 for all you almost-thousandaires out there. Let me tell you, these are real. Shark. Teeth. So obviously you cannot say no. And as a bonus, no one is going to fuck with you if you have one of these one. So there’s’ that.

Ok, now let’s get seasonal. For those of you who are not living in DC, you may have missed the major tourist news flash: IT’S CHERRY BLOSSOM FESTIVAL TIME. Which is why this $325 cherry blossom jumper is a must-have for all your outdoor escapades. Oh, and it’s only available in two sizes, one of which just happens to be mine. So if you’re a size four but you still want to be fancy and buy this, just ship it my way, and I’ll help you out. Fancy people are just nice like that.

But how will you iron that beautiful dress? Easy. Take some Butler lessons. From one of the premier butlers on the East Coast– Christopher Ely, a former footman at Buckingham Palace who was also photographed with Princess Di(!). Mr. Ely will teach you about Culinary Essentials, Essentials of Household Cleaning and Organization, and Laundry Essentials; it’s $1,995 each for the culinary and laundry classes, and $1,750 for the cleaning class, for a smooth total of $5,740. Mr. Ely is also available for private, pricier lessons. If you think you are too fancy to take butler classes, you could always hire him yourself, but you will have to be fancier than a thousandaire, so good luck.

OK, let’s start wrapping this up. I’ve got two more fancy things for you. First, THESE, where are great for pinning any photos of nasty relatives or lame ex bfs (boyfriends or best friends — you pick!) to the fridge. I must say, though, as the queen of fancy things, that this is in no way encouragement for you to start planning or even thinking about murdering anyone. Not at all. That is not the fancy way. But you should still buy these sweet sweet magnets.Especially because they’re less than 10 bux.

Speaking of murders, this awesome poster will help you decide whether you should be Scarlett with the Gun in the Library, or the Professor with the Knife in the Kitchen. See, it all depends on if your vengeance is business or personal. Like your travel! If you’ve packed yourself a business suit, you’re gonna wanna pick Scarlett with the Gun. But if you’ve got your Cherry Blossom jumper with a taxi cab napkin in the pocket, clearly this is personal. Clearly, you should channel the professor. See how easy this is! And fun! It’s fun to be fancy.

On that note, on the note of guns and knives and fun, I think we have to stop. I’m only allowed to put so much fancy in each post. So you’ll have to come back next time for more fanciness.

*Kiss* Kiss*

This post is brought to you by Rachel, who prefers Scarlet to the Professor.