E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S

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Jan 30, 2003

Yes, War Looms On The Horizon

Okay, with the recent State of the Union address, the UN's preliminary report on Iraq, Saddam telling us he's going to kick our ass(again), the French wetting their beds like a bunch of pansies, and Sean Penn yammering about peace I feel inclined to speak out a bit here.

First to all the fucking yahoos who say, "it's a war all about oil." Oh c'mon will you take your blinders off and quit gossiping around the fucking water cooler so much? Is oil involved? Sure it is, and you had better be glad it is too. We as consumers piss and moan every time the pumps jack up the prices ten measly cents. Let's say the average car in America is the good ol Ford Taurus, which has an 18 gallon tank and we fill it once a week. So we're getting our panties in a twist over an extra $1.80 a week? An extra $2.00 maybe? That's less than $10 a month -- skip one of those Friday night pizzas and call it even, fat boy. But no, ten cents is worthy of evening news broadcasts and internet boycotts.

But what if gas jumped $1.00 a gallon because Iraq decided they didn't want to sell us any more oil. And a few other OPEC countries do the same because Saddam threatened them with a chemical attack if they didn't comply. One dollar a gallon more. That's $18 a week and over $70 a month. That's a phone bill. An heating bill. Groceries. Car repairs so you can get to work. A trip to the doctor for a sick kid. One of which you'd have to do without, all because shithead over there decided to thumb his nose because he doesn't play well with others. And it snowballs from there. Have to fly across the country last minute for a family emergency and think the $1,200 ticket price you're facing now is high? What do you think the airlines are going to charge you when they have to pass along the higher fuel prices for a jumbo jet that takes 50,000 gallons of fuel to top off? Maybe so much you can't afford to fly home? How much more will shipping charges be when delivery companies start charging more? Or maybe your city will be forced to cut your kid's school's budget to pay for the increased cost of gas to keep police cars and ambulances running? The impacts are limitless.

Is oil one of the reasons we have to kick his ass? You bet it is. Bottom line is we're the most technologically advanced country on the world and like it or not we need our go-go juice. By hook or by crook. Unless any of you hippies are volunteering to relive the 1970's chapters of our history books and their five mile long lines to the gas station...? I didn't think so.

Raiders Blame Super Bowl Loss on Unfair "Interception Rule" - (AP)

San Diego, Calif. - After receiving a throttling at the hands of a relentless Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense, members of the Raider organization were left debating the fairness of the interception rule. "It's bullshit," suggested Raiders Wide Receiver Jerry Porter. "We played them even but those damn interceptions kept preventing us from winning. Anyone who saw those passes knew they shouldn't have been intercepted and you're not supposed to lose a game based on some fluke play like an interception."

Dwight Smith who ran back two interceptions for touchdowns was particularly offensive to the Raider's sense of fairness. Rich Gannon, who threw a Super Bowl record five interceptions suggested, "As if it's not enough that we lost control of the ball on each of my five interceptions, but to also then let the unintended recipient advance the ball to the point where they can score a touchdown. Well, that just doesn't seem fair to me."

The Raiders loss of All Pro center Barrett Morris added to the collective aggravation felt by the entire Raider family of coaches, players and front office employees following one of the biggest blow outs in Super Bowl history. "Everyone and everything is always goes against the Raiders," choked out distraught Raiders Owner Al Davis while he nervously rubbed his trademark sterling silver croakie. "Whether it's Satan tempting our all pro-center to commit sins, to God almighty himself guiding Adam Vinatieri's impossible field goal that tied us last year. You don't go into the super blow with NFL MVP at quarterback lose due to interceptions. Something is amiss and when I find out what happened here, heads are gonna roll. Your hear that, Tagliabue?" At which point Al Davis began shaking nervously and was quickly escorted to his awaiting Raidermobile.

Pittsburgh Steelers Head Coach Bill Cowher, taking a break from arguing to anyone who would listen how and when rules should apply to the Steelers, particularly focusing on how Rule 12 - Article 6 which details when a defensive player may not run into a kicker loses relevancy when the game is close, agreed with the Raiders, "Anytime the rules directly affect the outcome of a game, that's just sad," opined a pensive Cowher. "You have to let the players decide the outcome on the field as opposed to some bureaucrat in New York making up some rules."

Raiders CB Charles Woodson attempted to lift the spirits of a dejected Raider Nation with the following salvo: "You know without all those interceptions, we basically won the Super Bowl."

Jan 27, 2003

Holy Ass Whipping Batman

Christ, do the Bucs not know mercy? I haven't seen a beating like that since Ike took Tina on her first world tour.

The league's best defense showed up for gametime, the league's best offense was out window shopping or something, and didn't even bother to even make an appearance until late in the third quarter. It's like Madden was saying, "Don't they realize they're playing for the world championship?" The Bucs sure did, and that led to some pretty violent anal dialation.

C
Tough to catch what is never thrown, but when it was count on our receivers to drop it.

B

Rushing

D
Yeah, let's run straight up the middle of the best rush defense. It didn't work the last 129,472 times we tried it, but I feel lucky this time.

B+

Pass Defense

C+

A+
Gruden to defense: "when you see the Raiders run this play, sit right here with your hands out and be ready to catch the ball." Over 20% of Gannon's passes were to Bucs' defense. Ouch.

Rush Defense

C-

A+
Given the number of times Gannon was sacked, hurried and hit, not to far of a stretch to guess the rush wasn't going to work either.

Special Teams

B+
The punt block and ensuing runback was a nice, if futile, touch.

A-
Total number of missed tackles on punt/kick returns? Zero.

Coaching

C-
Two point conversions? Against a team that's been crushing your short yardage game? What're you fucking nuts?

A-
Bucs defensive player summed it up: "Every play the Raiders ran in the first quarter were the plays we practiced against all week."

Officiating

C-
What're you guys fucking blind? The Bucs were the home team, not visiting. The Bucs didn't fumble (overturned). The Raiders were inbounds (overturned). Garner was pushed out of the endzone while in the air (cost 2 points). Rice went out of bounds (clock didn't stop). And the pass was uncatchable (defensive pass interference call). A perfect ending to a season plagued by shitty officiating all through the playoffs, although the points margin was so great it didn't make a difference in this game.

Commercials

C-
Sucked. Only good one was the Reebok/Tate one.

All in all, the Bucs played great, the Raiders played shitty, and the better team won. Me? I'm just going to sit here and cry while I force down a cup of boo-hoo soup.

Irresistible Force, 21Immovable Object, 48

Okay so things didn't quite turn out as I predicted.

More in a bit once I get my cable modem back up and running. And then we'll see a few examples of how to bust Ernie's cookies over the Raider's Super Spanking, and a few of how not to. Remember, us Raider fans can be sore losers sometimes.

Congratulations Tampa Bay, you guys showed up with your game faces on from the first snap. I just wish someone had told to Gannon that he's supposed to throw to the team wearing the white jerseys and not the red ones.

Jan 24, 2003

Yo Say Tom-a-toe, I Say To-mah-toe

Okay, so the cartoon of the day wasn't cutting it for me, and again I was on the prowl for a replacement. I remember back in social studies class, my favorite part was each day we'd take a few minutes to dissect the political cartoon that ran in that morning's paper. I've never been a very politically motivated person -- I think they're all a bunch of fucking crooks -- but I was always captivated by the way all the subtle details contribute to the overall focus of the parody. Nothing is ever "drawn that way just because". Everything, no matter how seemingly insignificant, made a point and spoke volumes towards the artist's statement.

Then it hit me. There's a daily cartoon that I love to read and always find it interesting because the cartoonist's impression of world events (along with the group he speaks for) are so dramatically different from mine. In fact most of the time I read it, I find myself shaking my head and marveling, "Oh my God, what a crock of shit." But there I am first thing the next morning like clockwork, eager for my next dosage of illustrated imbalance.

Jan 21, 2003

Global Warming My Ass

Excuse me ladies? Can you please start using your aerosol hairspray again because apparently we've got too much ozone. And I only say that because it's fifteen fucking degrees outside right now. In fact, it's been fifteen fucking degrees outside for the past two weeks. And this week's extended forecast includes several cold blustery days with a high of fifteen fucking degrees.

Long Live Howie Long

As I sit in my vintage #75 Raiders jersey, basking in the glow and warmth of victory, I can't help but to think of the fateful day back in '84 when I watched the Raiders beat the shit out of the Redskins 38-9. I know this exactly because one of my best friends growing up was/is a Redskins fan.

Well, it's 2003 and it's Jon Gruden's turn to get smacked around like the 5th avenue party bitch. Raiders and Bucs in the bowl baby, and Rich Gannon is wearing The Snake's number.

I Have A New Idol

Screw Your Hippie

To: ErnieFrom: IT Guy

Currently you mailbox is over or near 500 Mb. Please remove or, as recommended, autoarchive items to remain below the 500 Mb limit. If you need help with autoarchive, please let me know. I will be enforcing a 500 Mb quota at the end of this month, no excuses.

To: IT GuyFrom: Ernie

IT Nazi, Please accept my sincerest apologies. Words cannot express the utter shame and remorse I feel over this heinous violation. I realize that I have created a potentially dangerous situation to myself and others by neglecting my mailbox. I have obeyed your demands and have brought my mailbox in compliance with the legal limit. I implore you, please do not report this violation to the IT police. I am already on probation for "Unauthorized use of ipconfig" and I fear that another mark on my permanent record may result in my NT privileges being revoked. My attorney has informed me on the seriousness of these charges; I now realize that at current market prices, the associated cost of storing my 600MB mailbox is an astronomical $0.50, and when RAID support is added, the cost can skyrocket to 3x or 4x that amount!! Such fiscal irresponsibility on my part should be grounds for termination. I only hope that by raising awareness, you have averted a disastrous situation. Let me be the first to thank you for your commitment to a thankless, and at times, dangerous job. By policing the NT domain, you keep the world safe for all of us.

What Quad To Mod?

I've decided to plop my huge income tax return (ha! not!) down as a down payment for a new ATV. As it will be used purely for recreational use -- no plowing, towing, farming, etc -- I've decided to stick with a sport quad, or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof.

Must: have at least 400cc 4 stroke engine, reverse gear, look fucking cool, and be under $6k (say what you want about the shitty economy but I kinda like all the 0% financing it brings...)

I live in New England and while having no illusions of blazing through 4' snow drifts like a madman, I will have decent amounts of snow to contend with during the winter seasons. This makes me lean towards the 4x4 Scrambler. On the flip side, the KFX is 200 lbs lighter and has a better hp/weight ratio, and while I have no plans of soaring 140' in the air doing heelclickers, I don't wanna be the last schmoe to reach the top of the hill either. This in turn makes me lean towards the KFX. The manual shift vs automatic really isn't a factor either way, other than the concern of belt slippage with the Polaris.

I've been at this deadlock for 5 days now, and am going to a motorcycle/atv show this weekend and really need some reasons to pick one of these frickin things over the other. Anybody have one of these beasts care to share some info or name a reputable dealer in the Boston area where I should buy it?

Split Second Decisions

I'm sure by now you've all heard about and been enraged by, the shooting of a family dog by police during a felony traffic stop. Ironically enough, my dog too was named "Patton" when I first adopted him, and I quicky decided it was stupid and changed it to "Ike". But, I digress.

I've received numerous emails in the past couple days with links to newspaper reports, and interviews, and of course requests that I step in and "do something" since we all know I'm The Man To Get Things Done, right? And do I shall.

First let's review what happened during the fateful day of January 1, 2003...

-Family stops for gas. and Dad forgets wallet on top of car.
-Family drives off.
-Good Samaritan sees wallet fall when car drives off.
-Samaritan calls police believing family may have been carjacked.
-Police pull over family in car, using felony stop procedures.
-All family members removed from car and placed in custody.
-Car doors left open.
-Officer approaches car and says, "Hey there's a dog in here."
-Family pleads for police to shut car.
-Police ignore family.
-Dog escapes.
-Dog takes a few steps towards officer with a shotgun.
-Dog's name changed from "Patton" to "Tupac".
-Family freaks.
-Nation freaks.

There I think that just about sums it up, eh?

And since we as a nation can't stand to see our best friend put down by the man, we're left kind of stunned and looking to find out just where the hell things went wrong. Who do we blame? Well, many people are calling for the badge, if not the head, of Officer Hall of the Cookeville police department, the one who fired the fatal shotgun blast. Some are even going so far as to say he acted criminally, and should be charged as such. Officer Hall reports that he fired in self defense to neutralize what he perceived to be an impending threat against the officers he was charged with protecting, according to felony traffic stop procedures.

And quite frankly, I believe him. That is to say, I believe that in that split second he had to make a decision, he believed the dog was a danger. Therefore making his actions stupid, but no, not criminal.

I think it takes a certain kind of person to be a cop (or a firefighter, EMT, or any other job that required split second decisions where you have to be right all the time). And I just don't think this guy is cut out to be a cop. I don't doubt that he believed he was in danger. But I can't figure out as to why he felt a dog that was clearly wagging it's tail was a danger. This is the same kind of decision that makes the news when a cop shoots a 6 year old child because he was pointing something in the cop's direction, only to find out afterwards it was a squirt gun. I believe that Officer Hall has clearly demonstrated a lack of ability when it comes to making accurate split second decisions, and that's a pretty dangerous shortfall when you're strapping lethal force to your hip every morning.

This situation was the combination of a series of tiny events. Dad forgot his wallet. Someone thought they saw a crime. A door was left open. The dog picked a bad time to hop out. And someone made a decision that turned out to be very wrong. The only catch is the person who made the decision, based upon the very nature of his job, is held to a higher standard than is the average Joe Public.

I don't think he's a bad guy. I don't think he hates animals. I don't think he's a criminal. I just think that he shouldn't be a cop and that needs to brought to the attention of those in charge down there, because Mr. Hall is like the majority of us who don't come through 10 times out of 10. Those that can, protect and serve. Those that can't, need to know when to shut up, sit down, and find a new profession because law enforcement is one where they can do more harm than good.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, it was a family pet and not a 6 year old who paid the price to make us face this man's shortcomings. Because I sure as hell don't want someone like this dumb shit responding to a 911 call, kicking down my front door at 3am and making the decision whether or not to open fire in my darkened kitchen.

No More Verbal Spam

About two weeks ago I called a friend of mine and when I got kicked to his voicemail I almost hung up -- I heard the "do-doo-do" tones that usually indicate a disconnected number. Only it was a valid number, he was just fucking with telemarketers, since their auto-dial systems not only disconnect upon hearing that signal but also remove his number from their databases. That means no more calls. How fucking cool is that? All I have to do now is figure out how to stop junk mail.