Marriages
can fail for many reasons. When they do, people can be seen on a spectrum from
minimal conflict to high conflict as they sort out the task of untangling their
lives to resume independent living. Where children are involved, living can only
ever be semi-independent as the needs of the children will forever keep the
couple united. As the level of conflict and animosity increases between the
parents the thought of being tied through the children is too much for some
people to bear. As such, some parents will seek to exclude or diminish the role
of the other parent in the lives of the children. This meets the dual objective
of greater freedom from the other parent and punishing the other parent for
perceived injustices.

Here,
one or other parent seeks sole child custody as if that means they can withhold
access.

In
excluding or diminishing the role of the other parent several strategies can be
deployed. These include; undermining access by being away or planning alternate
events for the children; refusing access altogether for frivolous reasons;
telling the child hurtful things about the other parent; planting suggestions to
the child that the other parent may hurt them; making allegations that the other
parent is incompetent or even harmful, in the absence of real evidence.

Parents
who use such strategies actually increase the degree of parental conflict and
increase the likelihood of Court action as the parent whose relationship with
the child has been limited, turns to the Court to seek a remedy. At times and
ironically, the parent who is attempting to undermine the other parentís
relationship tries to use the Court action as evidence that the parent is
spiteful and malicious.

In
such actions, the children always lose and eventually so too does the vengeful
parent.

While
the vengeful parent may think their child can suffice with them alone, the
social science research is clear that children develop best and enjoy a
healthier psycho-socio outcome as adults when they have secure relationships to
both parents. Children who are taught to cut themselves off from a parent are at
greater risk of using similar strategies for managing their own adult intimate
relationships and thus are at greater risk of failed adult relationships too.

Further,
most children, either through Court action or when as teenagers they seek out
the alternate parent, do get to know the avenged parent. When their experience
of the avenged parent conflicts with what they were told about them, in other
words, when a parent who was supposedly bad, turns out to be good, the children
then turn on the parent who had originally undermined the relationship. Children
who eventually establish relationships with parents they were kept from without
good cause, feel resentful for having been misled. They come to reject the
parent who sought to keep the children for themselves.

As
adults, these children forgo the relationship with the parent who raised them in
favour of the parent who was kept away. As the vengeful parent plans for the
demise of the other parentís relationship in the short term, in the long term
these parents not only hurt their children, but also themselves. They come to
lose their children when they get older.

Parents
are advised to understand that it is every childís birthright to have
reasonable relationship with both parents, assuming freedom from harm and
appropriate care and supervision. Any parent who seeks to disrupt a childís
relationship with the other parent may ultimately hurt the child and undermine
their own chances for a life-long relationship.

The
issue is not withholding a child from a parent, but structuring the situation
to provide for childrenís safety and well-being. If there is truly an issue
with a parentís behaviour, demand they seek help to address the problem yet
facilitate access through a place of safety. If the issues with the other parent
have more to do with oneís own upset or anger, then seek counseling to manage
feelings in view of the childís needs to have reasonable relationships with
both parents.

Certainly
donít act in a manner that ultimately hurts your child and places your
relationship at risk when your child grows up and learns the truth. It would be
a shame for all involved for that to happen.

Email this article to a friend or
colleague.
Enter recipient's e-mail:

Gary
Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
(905) 628-4847

gary@yoursocialworker.comwww.yoursocialworker.com
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker. Courts in Ontario, Canada, consider him
an expert on child development, parent-child relations, marital and family
therapy, custody and access recommendations, social work and an expert for
the purpose of giving a critique on a Section 112 (social work) report.

Search Garyís name on GOOGLE.COM to view his many articles or visit his
website. Call him for your next conference and for expert opinion on
family matters. His services include counseling, mediation, assessment and
assessment critiques.