Thursday 5th
July 2007: 6.28pm. Once again here I am feeling
groggy drinking a cup of tea after rather a lack of sleep last night! I
have been back here from being home in Ireland for a week and a half
now, and there is no let up in substantial change occurring within.

This has caused problems. Last night myself and Johanna had one of
the biggest bust ups since we broke up, and we both haven't had much
sleep since then. I suppose the best way to approach this is from my
side and then her side, and I'll ask her to check everything before I
publish. Why on earth would I stick a fight into an online journal?
Well, you'll see.

From my perspective, a very great deal has happened to me, especially
inside my own head, since even the last entry shortly before which
Johanna left to go home. My friends at home are either oblivious to the
details of what's been happening here for me, or found when I began to
detail things that there is just so much stuff, and it's also hard to
wrap your head around, that it's impossible to begin to even touch where
I'm at within a reasonable timespan.

So that rather unfortunately leaves only the people here in St.
Andrews. M- is continuing to throw away the opportunity of all that
could be done during our last few weeks - when I came back, she said it
was too hard to see me so things waited till last Friday when in all due
fairness, we had an absolutely excellent day together. I haven't had
such a prolonged period of actually feeling welcome around her in two
months, though for some odd reason there are occasional single random
days like last Friday when she and I get on so well that it's like the
Universe has lurched into some alternate reality momentarily. I treasure
those good days.

Now I don't have anyone else from St. Andrews left apart from M- and
Johanna. My academic daughter let me down severely just before I left
for home by reinventing a conversation we had whereby it became my
fault, not hers, for her letting me down, which is the sixth time she's
done that since Christmas - and I have had enough of such abuse, whether
it's from her or anyone else. So she's gone too - which was one of the
hardest decisions I have made during my time in St. Andrews, because
unlike the others, she really doesn't have a clue that she
makes up fantasy make-believe to explain to herself why she hurts her
friends. She actually, literally, has no idea.

M- did do quite a bit for me last Friday. Maybe unbeknownst to her at
the time (but I'll come back to that), I did slip in many of the topics
I've been thinking about recently. We did spend something like eight
hours together (highly unusual given she normally gets too exhausted
after three, but there was a break of a few hours half way through),
half of those at her work, and it really was very useful to me.

You see, I have no one to talk to about what's going on in my head. I
don't have any friends left who are sufficiently up to speed and are
easily contactable apart from M- and Johanna. This means I have felt
very lonely in recent weeks, with so much to talk about, and only myself
to do so with. It also meant that I had been very much looking forward
to Johanna returning, because I really need a friend right now.

Of course, this put tremendous pressure on Johanna. I had thought
given how well she had handled the time around the end of May, which was
far more serious, that now would be a relative cinch. After all, all she
needs to do is sit & chat with me and also read the 16,000 words or so
of stuff I have written to various people. Obviously she isn't expected
to provide me with any answers, as I sure don't know them myself, just
to ask questions and basically hold my hand while I talk to myself
through her. Surely not hard?

Reading this description now kinda makes me laugh. OF COURSE it would
be hard. In fact, what I ask now is FAR HARDER than the end of May,
though it took us shouting at one another last night for me to get that.
End of May I was in a situation where she could take definite action,
which she did. These past six days, from her perspective, are vastly
worse because she feels absolutely & totally powerless - ALL she can do
is sit & chat, which seems to her a complete and total failure. She
hadn't realised till last night that that is the BEST one can do in
these situations - she had thought she was failing me by not providing a
definite solution.

Because of being so overwhelmed, she had been subconsciously avoiding
me much as M- does. Avoiding engaging with me, avoiding deep
conversations, staying away from home as much as possible, and avoiding
even beginning to tackle the 16,000 words of assorted emails, essays &
letters I have output in the last three weeks. She felt that unlike
before, it all fell onto her and her alone, because I had no one else.
And because she wouldn't admit to herself that she couldn't cope,
subconsciously she began to treat me like M-.

Of course, being treated like M- treats me got me seriously worked
up. I began thinking that I was turning everyone who had been my friend
into an M-, which means there is something seriously fucked up with me.
That started a spiral downwards for me as I desperately searched for
someone to talk to, not least that I stupidly leaked recent events in
Johanna's life which are private to her to others, which then spread,
which then caused certain parties who want to punish me for hurting M-,
S- and I- to use that information to punish Johanna, and thereby hurt
me. I would even go so far as to say that they hoped that by doing this
they hoped it would blow back onto M- and perhaps get me to hurt her
again even after I promised her I would never do so ever again (in
response to her ten dislikes in the previous entry). I'm sure what I'm
about to say will generate emails suggesting I may be suffering from
paranoia again, but this is but a taste of what is to come for me &
Johanna next semester anyway when all the students get back - we've all
been expecting it, and have discussed what forms it might take for some
time now. I hadn't expected it to happen with so few students around
though - there isn't enough critical mass to make it very effective. Put
in a nutshell - the conversation I had with I- and S- outside Aikman's,
which M- enabled, I knew would come with a hefty price to be paid by
Johanna, not me, because the payback would be unfairly dumped on her as
I have no other friends left for them to utilise in order to get at me.
They feel a need to strike back, and they shall, and Johanna will bear
the brunt.

I really do demand far too much from Johanna. Not only am I very high
maintenance, even just as a friend as M- can surely testify, I keep
dumping stuff on her through my actions. It is very selfish of me. I
could have played things differently - not made such a point of it, and
thus not have invited such retribution. I certainly could have been far
more subtle, but then I could say that about myself ever since I was
born. Despite my best efforts to try otherwise, I have found that I am
simply not effective if I am not a sledgehammer.

I am also demanding more emotional support from Johanna right now
than I ever did when we were going out. This is partially because I have
no one else to talk to, but also because she is the most capable of
talking about these topics out of anyone I know in this world. These
topics are hard, very hard, and as Johanna says, it's like I am ripping
out a piece of her soul. She is only twenty-three years old, and this
stuff she shouldn't have to think about for many years yet, so I am
forcing her through these conversations to perceive the Universe at a
level which scares the living shit out of her. Hey, it scares me
enough as it is, especially what it all must mean, so for her who had been
looking forward to a fun & carefree summer now she had finally
extricated herself from a series of long-term relationships, well, I
can't imagine anything more horrible for her right now really.

I really am a right bastard. I just keep shitting on her. And I am
genuinely so sorry that I treat her like this. But I am very, very sure
that by Christmas I shall be treating her vastly better indeed - the
shit-storm I invoked end of term should have passed by mid-November, and
I should have worked through most of this stuff in my head within a
month, so all this crap I dump on her will stop. And she will get next
semester her space, and her fun, and her freedom from me at long, long
last. It's well overdue - and she more than deserves it.

I mentioned above about M- knowing or not knowing what's going on in
my head. For the second time in six weeks, she recently enabled me to
solve a riddle which I partially had posed to her last Friday. This
riddle had been causing me a great deal of worry & concern, mainly as it
affected the future happiness of Johanna, and for the second time she
created a solution for me (the first time being when she enabled that
confrontation with I- and S-).

Now much as with the first time, one can take this recent action in
two ways. M- read the last entry, and strongly
disagreed with my suggestion that she enabled that based on partially
wanting to use me as an instrument for revenge. She said it came from
within, from a higher place somehow. I at the time took an "even stevens"
approach - I felt it was probably something of many motives.

However, this recent action also could be viewed as her having bad
motives. Yet it enabled a major solution for me - again - and in the
long run, the information garnered will prove very useful. In effect,
she created a lesson for me which while painful now, is FAR
better experienced now than experienced later when cold, harsh reality
would make things vastly worse. Put in a nutshell, she did to me what
I've done to her since October: taught me a painful lesson now to save
me much future pain.

Now she didn't intend it, and certainly didn't plan it. But
nevertheless, she did me and Johanna a great favour indeed and I am very
grateful. And furthermore, now she's done it twice, I am far more
inclined to now believe that revenge had NO part to play in the earlier
action. Lightning doesn't strike twice. She has tapped herself into
something, and somehow or other given the extremely scant details I gave
her last Friday, she was on exactly the same page as myself. I find that
pretty damn amazing, too amazing for coincidence.

II always found that I- had a remarkable knack for spotting & opening
opportunities ie; spotting & opening doors - she & I have made a great
team. S- has a remarkable knack for kicking over ant hills in exactly
the right way to maximally enable creation & growth. M- now it would
appear is beginning to have a remarkable knack for creating
opportunities which generally speaking is the hardest skill of them
all, because it contains all the other skills.

There is a very great deal more I could now write about growth
creation, but it's now 8pm and I want to stop typing soon. The greatest
among us are those who competently manipulate the flows of energies
throughout the Universe for betterment of all. They are very few indeed,
and they are universally despised & hated, but this is God's work at its
purest. As energy interacts with matter it exudes an effect, thereafter
increasingly conveying more information (entropy), and subsequently
loses its effect on matter. Energy thus is converted into information,
and structure is maintained, built and evolved into higher states.

Many can use this ability for personal gain, or even to enable mass
genocide. These people are respected and feared. Only a few are selfless
enough to serve. These people are disrespected and feared. This
situation needs to be reversed in my new Economic model. This is a
"Sponsoring Thought" which if changed, changes the world.

Be happy!

Sunday 29th
July 2007: 11.30am. A lot of students spending their
summers in St. Andrews are finding it boring here - a lack of people
means a lack of things to do, and they find themselves yearning for the
excitement of term time. I can't say I have found that myself, nor has
Johanna for that matter. People like us seem to create drama out of
nothing. It certainly has not been boring!

Now the last three weeks have seemed like about five to me. In fact,
when I started this diary entry and was figuring out the dates, I was
genuinely surprised to realise that only three weeks have
elapsed since the last entry. But there's a good reason for that, and
it's because I asked M- out (as in, to become boyfriend & girlfriend) on
the Sunday following the last entry.

To this she did not react well. She proceeded to completely ignore me
until I sent her a nasty text the following Friday, then she ignored me
some more till I sent a text asking "What are you doing? Are you really
sure you want to be doing this?" the following Tuesday. On that Tuesday
when she met up with me for an hour, I gave her the following poem
(which is more of a song):

It's hardly all my own work - I have near zero lyrical ability,
Johanna did most of it - nevertheless, the words are mine. And I
probably shouldn't put that online as many will think highly ill of me
as a result - it will seem like I am bullying her - but then I am rather
proud of it, and I got her permission to do so beforehand. At the end of
May, M- plus compadres very nearly destroyed me, and I have worked my
ass off to forgive them for it - so for me, to have moved in less than
two months from that state to one where I could ask her out, I think a
very great achievement indeed. I know that will sound like I am bragging
and "proving" myself in public, but well arse to it - this diary has
never been about about me coming off well or looking good, it's about
what I am currently thinking & feeling, warts & all.

The following Thursday she got real emotional and had a panic attack
down the phone at me because she hadn't been able to think of anything
else other than that I had asked her out since I had asked her out -
hence her avoiding me like the plague. Last Monday, she finally
consented to a date - so I laid on the full spread with flowers, a roast
duck meal prepared entirely by my own hand, and copious amounts of
alcohol.

This did actually go very well. But I got nothing out of it, not even
a kiss - which isn't important in itself, but rather as an underlying
signifier of intent & emotion. And during this past week I haven't been
able to shake the feeling that I was being messed around and being taken
advantage of, which I told her last night, after which she promptly
appeared quite by surprise at my door.

Thereupon she admitted that she was not ready - she really wanted to
be ready, so much so she was trying to delude herself that she was, but
in reality she wasn't. And hence the answer is no, which is why I can
finally write a diary entry about it.

Now I'm sure I'm going to get emails etc. pointing out that women
can't be rushed, that just because I can bounce from having been nearly
destroyed to forgiveness in such a short period doesn't mean that the
destroyer can so easily do the same. Some may even suggest that
precisely because of this transition that I wanted to date her to
facilitate my own forgiveness of her, and that therefore my motivations
were impure. And of course, I am sure the majority will take the view
that this is some form of unhealthy obsession, that I best be rid of her
from my life, and well to that I can tell you that it's back to the old
plan of permanently saying goodbye early next September.

Nevertheless, I have been in love with the girl for some time, and
I'm pretty sure the same is in return, and despite all the drama, hurt &
heartache, we do bring a great deal of joy to one another. Rather like
me and Ruth, though M- is very considerably more reasonable than Ruth
(M- actually listens to me!). But I do agree with those who have
strongly advised against a repeat of me & Ruth with M- that unless M-
really, really, truly & genuinely wants a relationship with me,
and furthermore is willing to do everything necessary to create one,
then it is doomed to repeat the Ruth episode. I may not seem like I
learn from my past mistakes sometimes, but I'm not stupid - any woman
I've ever gone out with has to really, really badly,
want to date me if it's going to work at all. After all, look at the
shit I put Johanna through (eg; last entry) - I'm a very difficult
person, very demanding, and unless the woman really wants it, I
am intolerable.

Which raises the question of why don't I make myself considerably
less demanding and intolerable? After all, who am I to feel sorry for
myself when I am like this? Do I not deserve total loneliness with such
a problematic attitude problem?

My attitude problem most definitely stems from insecurity. I demand
bravery in the face of adversity from my friends - as anyone who has
spent any time around me can testify, I am rather intense and
overwhelming and that's just to my friends. To girlfriends, the problem
is magnified tenfold. I keep taking the view that they have to be able
to handle such intensity if they're going to go out with me, so I keep
being even more intense at the beginning as so to dissuade them
from getting involved with me if they can't handle it (hence giving M-
that poem above, or bringing her flowers at her workplace - that's heavy
& intense). Normal people would just chill out and let things evolve
gradually on their own, so it's definitely my own insecurities of
letting someone become close and trusting them.

I fear being let down. That fear has led me to being let down by
almost everyone I am close to in St. Andrews this past year - if you
expect it, you will receive it. I'm going to have to do something about
that - friends & girlfriends aren't soldiers or a combat unit where you
have each other's back or you're all dead. Such an extreme view of love
& relationships eliminates almost all of reality.

But I will have plenty of spare time next academic year - I only have
two friends I'll be able to see left here, so I'll see what I can do
about myself. Be happy everyone!