Reflective Mirror

For reference, I want to shop at AsiaJam.Com. It’s a step backwards. Argh, I hate how I can’t decide what style of clothing I like. I want a different style for every day of the week. Seriously.

UCSB is going to be a brand new start. Literally. I regret not deciding to attend UCI. I’m kinda disappointed. Okay, probably wrong reasons (Lisa Kang & friends of mine attending). Ergh, I wish I had neverever left DMHS. Lisa felt like a life-long friend. And what do I have now? Nothing. No friends. It doesn’t bother me as much as I would have expected.

David likes to make “statements” by removing people from Myspace and Facebook. Knowing this, I sent him this message on Myspace:

you took me off your friends list?
O_o

are we mad at each other? i forget everything…..

A few days later I received this in return:

you’re an awful friend. you weren’t there when i had to go to the clinic and you weren’t there to see my play. you expect everyone else to fucking care about you, and be concerned and show love for you. when in fact, you do the opposite. you’re not a good friend and i am sick and tired of trying to keep a friendship where the other person always has excuses and is never there when i TRULY need them.

peace,

Sooo I replied:

ok.
and i never said i was going to your play.
bye.

And that’s the extent to which I care. Sure, I was worried, but it can be cured. Wrong decision on his part, and I wasn’t able to make it to the hospital. Oooooh. And yeah, I never said I was going to his play. I was busy on all three days that it was playing, doing my own stuff (Disneyland, dinner, and movies, respectfully). Not to mention, I live 20 miles away from Downey, and I don’t have a car. *shrugs*

I have 2 other “friends” – one that I was super close to last year, but our friendship just ended, and another with someone I never really talked to in the first place. With the first one, I think it always happens that way… the moment I get super close to someone I back away. Way away. The only person that should know me is me. I can’t stand it when people “know” me. As for the second person, she was always just there… and I never really talked to her much.

There is one more person. And at this point in time I feel like just cutting him out of the picture. I’ve unbefriended him once, maybe twice. I regret it, entirely. He’s been so… I can’t even find a word to describe him. Optimistic doesn’t quite work. Maybe funny, silly, or something along those lines. Too bad he’s my one online friend. And he literally lives all the way across the country. It also doesn’t really bother me that much, but it’s funny. Funny because that way we’ll never be close, and I don’t have to back waaay away like I do with other people. And I never tell him anything anyway. We have a “no serious topics” policy. That has its pros and cons. I constantly like to reflect, but I have only my blog to do that with. It’s sort of… strange.

Sing this in the mirror:You’re not the person that I once knew
Are you scared to let them know it’s you?
If they could only see you like I do
Then they would see a stranger too

I’m worried about how easily I let some people go, like I never cared. The prime example would be the person I “loved” for oh too long. I’m amazed I liked anyone that long. And in a heartbeat I stopped “loving” him. I can reread blog entries, journal entries, and notes I have pertaining to this person, and it’s almost sickening. In my entire life I’ve only ever truly liked two people. I don’t like people. I don’t like relationships. And I especially don’t like people crossing my proximity level of comfort. Awkward sentence, I know, but I don’t know how else to put it.

The picture is more or less what I mean. Ooh, I miss my red hair. Hm, so anyway I have the “power” of letting go, but it definitely comes off as apathy. Maybe it is apathy. I don’t care, at all. But I care too much. Eh, I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve since lost my train of thought. I’m getting at the fact that I like to keep to myself and to be honest, I don’t give a damn about most people and their “problems.” Until I can figure myself out, I can’t handle the pressure of dealing with other people. So for now, I shall remain closed off.

I hate how whenever I hang out with teenagers I feel extremely guilty. At dinner on Thursday, before going to Disneyland, while sitting in Jacky’s house I just felt so guilty for having fun. I never get that feeling with family, only when I’m hanging out with people my age. I’m ill, I’m ill. I have a fear of having fun with people apart from my family. Fear isn’t the right word, though. I just rather avoid it. So even if I have the choice to go somewhere with “friends” I will most likely want to go, but at the thought of it being with people my age, I don’t want to. Maybe I just can’t let go of my family, or who knows. I don’t understand.

If you’d believe it’s in my soul,
I’d say all the words that I know
just to see if it would show.
Now I’m trying to let you know
that I’m better off on my own.

“Every step you take, is a step away from where you used to be.”

“Heavy thoughts sift through dust.”

“Until I learned to love myself I was never loving anybody else. Happiness lies in your own hand. It took me much too long to understand…”

Oh whoa! This is so tragic – I can so relate to this. I let people go way to easily, its like I fear intimacy yet crave it so intensly at the same time. I cut myself off from others, the people I love mostly , by arguments about little things or ignoring them. I don’t want people to be close to me because I know they will end up hating me the same way I do.
It’s a blessing and a curse, && I am so afraid I will end up by myself but I’m even more afraid of letting people in.
whoa I love your site! Your so right, its like I’m reading my own words… we are on the same wavelength!
=)
xox

Sorry to hear about your “friend” and how that went down… over myspace, no less… kind of surreal for me to think in terms of “breaking up” a relationship, no matter what kind, over the internet. Is anything ever official when it’s done online? Can you take it seriously?

Like I said before, you should write like this more often. I usually don’t have the time to read anymore, but when I do, I read everything. So don’t leave anything out. Let it go. Have it all sprawled out “online.” Because it doesn’t really matter.

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The title 'Heart Strutter' comes from song lyrics by a previously favorite band of mine called Loudermilk, "lover suffer a heart shaped like strutter." The idea felt so akin to wearing your heart on your sleeve in this brilliant new way that felt perfect for a personal blog. The combination of words, though, was created by a good friend. Like my passions and interests, my posts are varied, capricious, and ever-changing. Sometimes I write about fashion, cosmetics, and beautiful things. Other times I just create lists or then suddenly feel inclined to pour my heart out. But always I write cautiously or vaguely.