Everyday life with a touch of humour by Troy Pulchinski

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Unless you live on the west coast, you know that this winter has been too long, too cold and plagued by that stinging, feathery annoyance we call snow. It snarled traffic, filled your boots, and gave those snotty little kids too many snow days. Yuck!

But because I don’t have to traverse the frozen tundra as much as I used to, I spend more time out in the driveway, learning the deep secrets of this seasonal intruder. It’s gotten to the point that people will now seek out my wisdom and advice when it comes to snow removal. At least, that’s what I choose to believe.

“Oh great snow guru, I seek your deep understanding on a pressing matter. My driveway fills with white cold stuffs from the heavens and I know not how to deal with it. Can you help, oh great one?”

“Listen to my words, child. The great tides float all boats. Be not the first boat to rise…”

“I’m so sorry great Guru, but I have no idea what that means.”

“It means, let your neighbour clear his driveway first, because he might have sympathy on you and clear yours, saving you from doing it. Now go.”

“Thank you, oh master of the snow!”

I carry an assortment of implements to help manage the onslaught of winter; scrapers, snow shovels, ice-chippers, snow blower, road salt, and a beer fridge. Proper attire is also key…

A big furry hat completes my ensemble. It is my crown. My head dress. It tells the neighbourhood that I must know what I’m doing, because I look ridiculous in it!

Another frigid soul approaches….

“My great and powerful snow guru, I hear it will snow and then turn to freezing rain later. Should I go ahead and shovel?”

“My dear child; ‘snow before rain is a pain – snow before ice is nice.'”

“Oh…..I see…..so, should I shovel or not?”

“NO! If you shovel now, the ice will collect on the ground and you will have a skating rink in the morning. If you leave the snow, it will hold the ice on top and form a crust that will be easy to remove without using any salt. Now begone, for I seek solitude…and another beer.”

Often, they don’t actually ask the questions as much as silently imply that I should come over and tell them what to do. So I continue to dispense lessons in all that is winter to my cold and hungry pupils, even when they avoid eye contact and shoo their kids away, mumbling something about ‘stranger-danger’.

I serve the greater good in this frigid, desolate place, imparting deep wisdom and sage advice upon the great unknowing masses. It’s a gift that I must share…

I’ve said this before, but it’s worth repeating – I don’t like Spring. It’s easily the worst season (winter being a close second after the one we just had) of the 4.

For many, it’s the promise of better weather and warmer, longer days. That’s ‘a good thing‘, as Martha would say.

It’s true – Spring means that Summer is on its way, so we shrug off the Winter blah’s, stow away those heavy ugly winter clothes and bring out the lawn furniture.

But not so fast, my friends! Spring is a false season. It’s a liar. Spring is not about nice weather and sunny days. That’s Summer – let’s not confuse the two. Spring steals all of Summer’s thunder, literally, and offers nothing of value for itself. It’s like a cheap sidekick as an opening act for the real performer.

It doesn’t help that I really suffer from springtime allergies. In Canada, we celebrate the May ‘2-4’ weekend, which falls, not coincidentally, on the weekend closest to May 24th. I think it was a British Queen’s birthday, so as ex-patriots, and exploiters of the monarchy, we mug every long weekend we can out of them. I used to think it was named after a case of beer…college days!

It’s the first long weekend of warm weather, but for me it’s a double-edged sword. This is also the time of year that all the lovely trees are bursting forth with their pollen-spawn, clogging up my sinuses and attacking my immune system. I usually spend it in the basement with a bottle of Benadryl and box of tissues.

Yup, Spring is a total poser – a cheap veneer, looking like a real season, but it’s just a mirage – a delusion, tricking us into liking it. Don’t believe me?

Let’s look at the differences:

SUMMER:

Long days of sun

Warmest weather we’ll see all year

Vacations

Bikinis

Beer gardens & patios

Swimming pools

Days at the beach

Pina Colada scented suntan lotion

SPRING:

Rain and/or snow and/or sleet and/or freezing rain

Allergies

Weather that makes you think it’s summer until you go outside and are freezing in 10 minutes

All the dirt, garbage, dog bombs, brown grass, and other nasties that were hidden in the snow

I used to think birds nesting was kind of cute. In our first house, they nested in the vent for the bathroom fan. At first is was sweet, being sung to by those melodic, hungry little chicks in the morning while taking care of business, but like all animals, they grew up and trashed the house. The mess down the outside of my home was a toxic, sticky sludge that had baked into the siding.

See? Spring is a lousy season. It’s only positive is that it’s followed by Summer, so it gets the polite applause it doesn’t really deserve. It rides on the coat-tails of our greatest season, taking all the credit: “Spring showers bring May flowers” – like it’s supposed to make us all warm and fuzzy about dreary, wet days.

Walking the dog this morning, I noticed that the receding glaciers from this past Winter are exposing a lovely collection of pop cans, wrappers, and poop – literally some was on top of one of those green utility boxes. ON TOP! That was some dog, I tell you.

The weather was too cold for Spring attire, but because it was above freezing, everything was a muddy mess. Just to cap it off, a bug – probably the only one alive this time of year – flew directly into my ear.

Oh, yeah. Let’s welcome Spring, but only because it means that the main attraction is somewhere in the wings, waiting to make it’s appearance.

This weekend, we ‘Spring Forward’ into daylight savings time…and not a moment too soon. This should mean that winter is in it’s final throes.

There’s another reason this lousy winter should be over; I actually wore out my snow shovel and my snow blower…

no kidding!!

I’ve even changed my blog banner to a lovely summer scene, taken during a wine tour of the ‘Prince Edward County’ region in Southern Ontario last summer.

If you’re as sick as I am about this long winter, please respond to this blog by commenting with the phrase; ‘End This Winter’ in the reply box.

I’ll be sure to send it on to the appropriate parties responsible for this terrible weather we’re having. Hopefully, the ‘Mid-Life Crisis Nation’ will get enough responses to get them to take action.

There’s no age limit on who can vote or how often – forward to you friends and family, children, neighbours, relatives, pets, strangers…you get the idea.

Remember: If you don’t vote, you have no reason to complain about the weather.

(the author of this blog bears no responsibility for the outcome of any such petition, or any angry pushback by above mentioned ‘winter’ parties who may decide to continue with the cold days for an extended period, nor will there be any condescending commentary by this blog’s readers regarding the delivery of said ‘petition’ as coincidental, pursuant to spring actually arriving all on its own)

You can stand in a field, holding a small electronic device and have a ‘real-time’ video conversation with someone halfway around the globe, but the kitchen appliance companies can’t make that stupid drawer at the bottom of the stove stay on its tracks when you pull it out.

Sometimes we simply put up with lousy design like it’s too hard for the builders of such things to make them work properly.

We can tunnel from two different points, miles apart, and have them meet up perfectly in the middle, but the lighter on the barbeque quits after about 3 months. Instead of insisting on better design, we usually get one of those butane lighters or turn on the gas and throw matches in, hoping to not blow ourselves up. Heck, even the stupid lighters don’t work properly. I have one in the drawer that’s half-full but won’t spark.

Shopping carts with one wheel that won’t turn properly! Aaargh!! It’s a wheel, for Pete’s sake! They’ve been around since the stone age.

How about that packaging that you can’t get in to? Well, a company made a nifty little device that will cut right through it with ease. The problem? It comes in the same bullet-proof packaging that you can’t get into in the first place. Brilliant!

My biggest complaint has to be about windshield wipers. How is it that we’ve had cars on the road for more than 100 years, that now have the technology to see around corners, park themselves, control the climate, talk to you, give directions, heat your bum on cold mornings, but the crappy wipers are frozen to the windshield,

making the only really important thing about driving – being able to see where you’re going – nearly impossible!

I don’t get it. Why can car makers not get this figured out? There are after-market washer fluid heaters you can install so those little jets don’t clam up with ice. Okay, that’s a good start, but it still won’t make the frozen wipers squeegee the glass properly. And, why does that have to be an after-market item?

Many cars have heaters that warm up the windshield, but usually it doesn’t heat the wiper blades, so they just flop back and forth, smearing the snow-yuck around instead of clearing it from view.

Maybe the car engineers are being paid off by the windshield washer fluid companies. When the wipers don’t work properly, your only option is to keep hitting the wash button until you’ve spent the entire jug.

Where is Ralph Nader when we need him? Why doesn’t Consumer Report mention this problem?

I made a deal with my son, who is in school to become an engineer, that his first task once he’s done, is to come up with a way to keep the wipers warm and nimble in any weather condition.

Is that the real key here? Is it an ignorance of the northern climates by the big auto makers? Do they think everyone lives in California? All that advertizing showing their vehicles crashing happily through snowbanks would suggest not, but what’s the deal?

Hey, GM and Ford, Chrysler and Toyota…you gotta have about 20,000 well-trained professionals figuring out how to get the car to say ‘Good Morning’ to you when you step onto your driveway. How about you put a couple of them on the wiper issue, eh?

I’m not a violent man, but the first person who complains about the heat this summer is going to get punched in the throat.

In a 36 hour period, we went from cold, blowing snow, on top of the 15 feet already piled up next to my house, then to freezing rain, and finally a nice thunderstorm last night, bringing about 40mm of rain….I don’t know how much that is, but its a lot. Trust me.

Now we have full-on class 4 rapids down my street, and since the storm drains are clogged with snow and ice, its spilling into a murky little lake that’s formed right in the intersection.

So far this winter, I managed to dodge making any comments on the ‘Polar Vortex’ that everyone was talking about. Truth is, I kind of enjoy the snowfall ever since I got my hands on a sweet little snow blower. Not having to commute across the Toronto gridlock helps make it more fun….sorry Amy!

I’d rush out in the morning after a big snowfall, firing up the little machine, and start clearing as many driveways and sidewalks as I could. The kids even gave me one of those Alaskan style fur hats so I look the part.

Now the weather is changing. Warm wet air is turning this winter wonderland to a briny, brownish slop, exposing every piece of garbage that was blown out of recycling boxes or neglectfully tossed by uncaring citizens. It also highlights the amount of dog-walking that goes on around here. Yuck!

I like winter. I hate getting stuck in traffic when it’s snowing, or soaking wet feet, but otherwise I find it very clean and renewing.

Spring sucks! Okay, it doesn’t suck for everyone, but with my pollen allergies and all the cleanup around the yard to be done, it’s really just natures purgatory before summer. 2 months of schizophrenic weather, where it’s freezing, then raining, then warm, then snowing…all in the same day.

Summer is awesome! If you live in a seasonal part of the world like Canada, and have 4 to 6 months of bitterly cold weather, you’ll know that no one embraces the summer more than we do. The warm summer heat is so fleeting, that we flock to freezing cold lakeside beaches in our shorts as soon as the first robin shows up. Bring on the sunscreen and shorts.

In Canada, we get only a few months of heat, sun and going outside without having to spend 10 minutes layering up, so we need to fully embrace every minute of the warmth that summer brings.

I can’t wait.

This winter has been too snowy, too cold, too windy, too long. That’s why no one who has battled through this season has the right to complain about the heat when summer finally arrives.