LE

And this you can see is the bolt. The purpose of this
Is to open the breech, as you see. We can slide it
Rapidly backwards and forwards: we call this
Easing the spring. And rapidly backwards and forwards
The early bees are assaulting and fumbling the flowers:
They call it easing the Spring.
They call it easing the Spring: it is perfectly easy
If you have any strength in your thumb: like the bolt,
And the breech, and the cocking-piece, and the point of balance,
Which in our case we have not got; and the almond-blossom
Silent in all of the gardens and the bees going backwards and forwards,
For today we have naming of parts.

LE

LE

Large amounts of curry to clear the tubes and give you fuel to fight the disease, hot toddy to help you ignore the symptoms; soak in as hot a bath as you can stand for a bit; then straight to bed for 10 hours gonk.

None of this pissing about 'Oh I'm so ill I can't do anything' for me. Just get it over with and get on with things.

Once during a fever I remembered that when a European is dying, there is usually some sort of ceremony in which he asks the pardon of others and pardons them. I have a great many enemies, and I thought, what should my answer be if some modernized persons should ask me my views on this? After considering it, I decided: Let them go on hating me. I shall not forgive a single one of them.

LE

Ah, whisky, honey and lemon. My aunt's excellent throat remedy with the addition of a spoonful of glycerine. I well remember her lining up the children to take their medicine, and the Dads and older (RN) cousins joining the line!

Not sure it had any medical benefits, but by 'eck it cheered us up!!!!

And this you can see is the bolt. The purpose of this
Is to open the breech, as you see. We can slide it
Rapidly backwards and forwards: we call this
Easing the spring. And rapidly backwards and forwards
The early bees are assaulting and fumbling the flowers:
They call it easing the Spring.
They call it easing the Spring: it is perfectly easy
If you have any strength in your thumb: like the bolt,
And the breech, and the cocking-piece, and the point of balance,
Which in our case we have not got; and the almond-blossom
Silent in all of the gardens and the bees going backwards and forwards,
For today we have naming of parts.

LE

LE

Lemsip, rum (or buchu brandy if you can get it), honey and lemon juice. Bung in two aspirin and top up with hot water. Into the scratcher early and sleep as long as you can. Reckon a good night's kip is the best start to kicking the snots.

LE

A few years back I was working as a bartender here in Denmark. One Saturday morning we had the usual crowd of shoppers and such in, when in walked an unbelievable figure. It was a woman in her late thirties wearing a fur coat, and strangely enough with a nylon stocking worn on her head like a dunce cap.

As she approached the bar I noticed her make up; it looked like she'd been taking lessons from Coco the clown, and had also put it on in the dark.....without a mirror.....with her left hand. "Oh bollocks" thinks I "there's always one!"

She sat at the bar, smiling at my incredulous stare, and ordered a gin and tonic in perfect English and with a very cultured mid Atlantic accent. This threw me a bit as I'd expected her to sound more like a 40 a day alcoholic low life. So instead of telling her where to go, which had been my first intention, I got her her drink. Then she started chatting away quite normally, and I had real difficulty answering her as I was transfixed by her bizarre apearance. Unfortunately she seemed to think my stares meant that I fancied her, so she kept talking....

After a bit she asked if I had a tissue, as she had 'the sniffles'. "Certainly" says I, "I've got a bit of a cold myself". "Oh no" she exclamed "It's not a cold, it's the cocaine!"

Mystery solved!!!!!

The moral of this story is; never take drugs while you're getting ready to go out, and if you must, remember to look in the mirror before you leave the house!!

Excerpt from The Four Slappers of the Apocalypse.

And when I had opened the fourth beer, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say, Come and see.

And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and her that sat on him was the wife, and Hell followed with her......