"That Pol Pot, or whoever, has given me a bad name," she
sobbed to a press conference beamed into 200 billion
homes around the world, by CNN.

Ms. Jones, first off, accused Mr. Pot of, first off,
having a name almost exactly like hers and, then, going
out and killing, like, 2 million people.

"Just because he has almost the same name as me," Ms.
Jones told reporters and the world, "now, when I go to
the supermarket, everybody thinks it's me, and even
though they don't say it, I can see they're all
thinking, 'Oh, she thinks she's so hot, just cause she
killed 2 million people.'"

Ms. Jones told reporters that, by having almost the same
first name as hers and, then, having a last name like,
you know, "Pot," made everybody think that not only had
she killed 2 million people, but also that she was
always on drugs.

"Now," she told reporters, "when I go to the
supermarket, even though nobody says it, I can see
they're all thinking, 'Oh she thinks she's so hot cause
not only did she kill 2 million people, but she did it
all stoned out of her mind on pot.'"

CNET, which originated as a company dedicated to
constantly searching the web for instances of the
phrase, "CNET Sucks!," sees this purchase or merger or
whatever as the perfect fit.

"We see this purchase or merger or whatever as the
perfect fit," said CNET's deep-pocketed owner, Ursa
Major or Kelsey Grammer or whoever, "because now, when
people do searches on the phrase 'CNET Sucks!' they will
come to OUR site, 'CNET/Suck.com,' rather than go to all
those other sites where some irresponsible slimeball,
out of pure bitterness, hatred, greed and reckless
disregard for being, itself, has written, like, 'CNET
sucks!', or, like, 'CNET Sucks a big one!' or, you know,
like, 'CNET is an utter fucking piece of shit!'"

However, according to Matt Drudge, CNET is off by a
singularity or two.

It seems, according to Drudge, that constant searches of
the Web by all 7,000 members of the CNET staff, have, in
recent weeks, turned up exactly zero -- ZERO!!! --
instances of any web page whatsoever, ever using the
phrase "CNET sucks!!!" for any reason whatsoever.

Unfortunately, according to Drudge or the Nude York
Times, further analysis of this trend, reveals that
the utter absence of any page whatsoever anywhere on the
web saying, "CNET sucks!!" doesn't really mean that
nobody thinks CNET sucks anymore -- but, rather, it
really just means that no one really gives
enough of a flaming flying fuck, to, like, give a
flaming, flying fuck about whether CNET sucks or
not. And vice versa.

However, according to an article published in Salon
Magazine, the new CNET/Suck will have the last
laugh, because they themselves don't give a
flaming flying fuck about whether anybody gives a
flaming flying fuck or not, cause they're instantly
getting themselves the flaming flying fuck out of
the unfortunately not-so-lucrative web bullshitting
business altogether, and getting into the much more
lucrative bullshit HMO business.

CNET owner, Morris Minor, or Helios Creed or whoever,
claimed the switch-over from web bullshitting business
to bullshitting HMO business, would be "utterly trivial"
to pull off.

"We'll just take our massive CNET/TV workspace/studio,"
Minor or Creed said, "and turn it into a massive
operating room. We'll bus in critical, dying patients
from all over the world, lay 'em out on our computer
worktables, send our highly-trained staff of 7,000 out
for coffee, and then get Suck figure-head, Joey
Facecuffs, in here, give him a dull scalpel, tape his
mouth shut, and turn him loose to work his own special
brand of thoughtfulness on the near-dead and dying.