We are all born pure and without malice, opinion, hatred, negativity or prejudice. As we go along our experiences, people, friends, events, parents, relatives and the world around us leave their scars with their words and expression. We grow up constantly changing and our personalities are defined by a sum of our past experiences.

“Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.”
― Bill Ayers

Parenting as I understand is the most important foundation to our lives. Our values and personalities are defined by our early experiences and then our peers and our own experiences take over.

I have conversed with so many parents and elders and out of curiosity dwelled a lot on what is the role parenting plays in the definition of an individual. I have read so many books on the exciting subject and always wondered how we can be catalysts without expectations, how we can touch their lives and allow them to find their inner magnificence.

“To be in your children’s memories tomorrow,
You have to be in their lives today.”
― Barbara Johnson

Here are a few ideas and practices I have learnt and understood and know that work like a charm.

1.Delayed gratification

“The ability to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term in order to enjoy greater rewards in the long term, is the indispensable prerequisite for success.”

-Brian Tracy

My mentor and guru taught me this simple and most effective aspect of bring up children. The simple rule was about teaching my kids not to expect gratification and gifts instantly when they wanted it. To equip them best for life, they have to learn to delay the need for instant reward. Learning to save up and buy the book they so wanted, deciding to look at more options and then buy the cycle, getting a paint set and crayons if we come back next week.

To prepare them as adults who learn to save, study hard to do better, train hard to excel or plan for their retirement need for them to grapple with the philosophy of delayed gratification.

Read this article if you are interested in understanding the concept further:

“To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.”
― Josh Billings

This is a simple and fundamental law of parenting that I hear and read about so often, yet we as parents forget this simple idea so easily. What we do is what our children learn and become, not what we advise. If we don’t walk the talk and follow the advise we give them ourselves, the words will remain words. I realised that if we want them to trust us, we must trust them. If we want them to be polite, we must be, if we want honesty, we must first be honest. If we yell and lose our temper and expect kids who are calm and soft spoken, its a battle we will always lose.

3.Wear their shoes

The easiest way to connect and understand my kids have been when I have constantly adjusted my mental age to how I would have thought and behaved when I was that age. What would I have done if I was a bored 3 year old? What would I have done as a 9 year old who’s in trouble? Everything suddenly falls into place when I step outside my adult righteousness and opinion and step down to sympathising and expecting them to behave their age. Its music to their ears when they sense you know exactly what they are feeling or doing.

4.Self fulfilling prophecy

This is such an important aspect of a child’s upbringing and the effect it leaves on them is unquestionable. In organisational behaviour, it’s known as the Pygmalion effect (remember the movie My Fair Lady). We grow up surrounded with the need for being labelled. Both negatively and positively and both have their effects on us. When there’s a continuos wave of hearing “you are a naughty child” or “you are always messy” or “you are so lazy”, “good for nothing” etc, we live this prophecy out by adopting this avatar for ourselves. Changing the words from “You are always lazy and messy and will never change!” to “I bet you couldn’t transform this room back to its magical clean self in 15 minutes!!” or anything that works with possibilities makes a difference.

I remember being typecast as mischievous and an average student in school and whatever I did couldn’t shake the tag away and I was a perfect fit for the labels. It was only when I changed schools and I was introduced as someone with leadership abilities and a genius, that I suddenly manifested these tags too.

It’s a fine balance with our children too. Too much praise also raises the pressure of having to perform or impress. Sometimes, just a hug and a kiss is even more effective than getting a gift or a reward.

5. The language of possibilities

Changing our language from “Should, have to, must” to workability also has created amazing shifts and has galvanised change in my children. For example instead of saying “you have to sleep early” “or you must sleep on time” as an order, when we say “If you sleep early, you will wake up fresh and have more energy at school” .

The moment the logic of what will work better when you do something is explained, we are enrolled easily. When orders are thrust upon us, we take it instead like medication prescribed.

6.Celebrating mistakes

“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”

– Albert Einstein

Encouraging our children to make mistakes releases a great burden off their backs. Eradicating the fear of failure and instead celebrating their mistakes makes learning so much fun.

Getting our children to see every drawback and failure as just another way not to do it, and distinguishing them as experiences drove away fear. Discussing the learnings from each of the experiences and brainstorming possibilities and new solutions also strengthens the solution based thinking early on.

7.Being there!

Every doctor’s appointment is important, each school play or group song, race, sports day or international day or poem recital means the world to kids. In their world, they have achieved the impossible and they are brimming with a sense of pride. Reciprocating this enthusiasm by being there whenever we can makes them feel on top of the world. I realised that its easy to actually reorganise and work your schedule easily around their days and when you can’t make it, apologising profusely and from the heart and explaining why you couldn’t makes them feel so important. As parents, we try and make sure at least one of us is there if not both, for every moment which is important for them.

On a selfish note, the joy and pride that swells up in our hearts as we see our little heroes clamber on stage and do their thing and try their best, is an emotion second to none.That moment, as they suddenly spot you in the crowd, and their eyes and smile light up the entire school, and when they wave eagerly like their whole life just became energized and colorful, that makes the moment eternal.

8. Emotional intelligence

What determines the joy in our lives is finally how happy we are with ourselves and how well we connect with other people. The final measure of success is the ability to understand our own feelings, name them and find solutions for dealing with them. Talking with our kids about emotions, sharing how we would feel at different points and brainstorming solutions- “I feel nervous today, what do you think I should do?” , “I sense you are upset about what happened with your friends, do you want to tell me about it?” help us get in touch with these inner emotions. Also when we have discussed other people’s feelings, it allows them to be sensitised to emotions- “When you didn’t share your book with her, what do you think she felt? How would you feel if that happened to you?”

Helping them walk in other people’s shoes often also heightens this emotion further-“I know you are upset with your teacher. Why do you think he said what he did?”

9. Parents are also human

I learnt along the way that its not necessary to be a super hero always. We also screw up often. I also realised that when we speak about our weaknesses and acknowledge when we messed up, it helped me connect with my children further.

Sometimes when you over react without logic (we are human, it will happen) and realise heart of heart it was unnecessary, it feels even better when I go to my 9 year old daughter and sit beside her and just say “I am so sorry. I think I over reacted for something very simple. I didn’t agree which what happened, but I shouldn’t have been so upset. It really was such a big deal. Will you forgive me? It wont happen again.” The hug of understanding I get dissolves the guilt I feel and she gets that sometimes parents also goof up and a heart felt apology can remedy most situations.

10. Learning from other parents.

There are so many families I respect and admire. So many parents and friends I come across that I want to model and learn from. So many kids who I see grow up into individuals of excellence with a sense of purpose and armed with integrity and wisdom. I love speaking to their parents and asking them anecdotes and tips on parenting. I love to observe the dynamics and soak in whatever I may learn.

So often, there’s an insight or observation that can dramatically transform our approach to our kids. I have also learnt so much of what not to do as well by observation.

11. Igniting curiosity .

“I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift would be curiosity.”

~Eleanor Roosevelt

Our minds soak in the most when it is open. When the doors are shut, nothing comes in. That’s why we seek knowledge, experiences, mentors and expertise. The most successful people in the world are the ones who are curious about knowledge, who seek out new ways of doing things, who never accept status quo.

We buy books, a lot of books for the kids. A balance of fiction and non fiction. Books about history and science and how things work. I remember how my mother would ensure we were around books and the world that opened for us as kids.

I also fix up outings to different industries so they have perspective and exposure. One day a radio station, another day a newspaper, interviewing people and understanding the way it works. Sitting in on internal meetings and sharing her observations of what worked in the meeting and didn’t. Learning and encouraging them to ask when they don’t know and knowing where to find answers when you don’t. This insatiable hunger for grasping ideas and information create a fertile mind forever.

We also play a game where I teach 5 new words almost every day. I learnt this at a Brian Tracy event. He said that the power of language and the ability to express yourself is one of the pillars of success. The idea of learning 5 new words came from him and it is working wonders.

12.The feedback walk

When there’s a burning issue or strong feedback to be given, I take my daughter for a walk. We take a long walk and we speak. I share how I feel and why it isn’t working for me and we brainstorm on what solutions we can create for the situation. I let her know what’s troubling me and I ask her if she agrees there’s a problem. We then brainstorm on what can be done to solve the situation and what ideas she can adopt. I also acknowledge that this is not how she usually is and its a temporary situation.

Walking allows the feedback to be relaxed and the change of environment helps her not be in a spot. It just lightens the moment and yet gives it gravity. She also knows that when I start the walk with “We need to talk…” there’s some feedback coming her way.

13.Awakening the creative mind.

“If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.”
― Albert Einstein

Stories read at night, stories made up to share a message, magical tales, fairies, pixie dust, dragons all awaken imagination and lay the greatest foundation for the intelligent mind. Reading them fairy tales on some days even as infants with expression and sounds open a magical world. Play acting and role play further enhance the spark in them.

I particularly love creating stories which have a host of my 3 year old sons toys. Theres a dinosaur and theres Buzz light year and a cow, Mater, a helicopter and a tattered teddy bear besides a host of other heroes. It took a lot more effort playing with my daughters dolls and the doll house, I must admit.

Brainstorming as a concept became a game. We play brainstorming to look at solutions to real and hypothetical story situations. For example, the King is fast asleep, how can we wake him up without getting him angry? Or real life situations like ideas for a project or how to deal with situations. I feel that if kids can wrap their minds around the fact that all problems have solutions which we haven’t thought of yet, they become resourceful instead of panicking.

Sometimes, just before sleeping sharing what we learnt new this day and asking them what they learnt for the day plants the seed for Kaizen (the Japanese word for continuous and never ending improvement). It also makes parents grow also and never stagnate.14.Being expressive.

The power of hearing “I love you” through the day and being hugged for every excuse helps kids express their love easier. They also realise the warmth and affection and learn how to express their feelings easily. Stealing hugs when you leave and also when you meet them and for every possible reason lets them know how wanted they are.

The kids that are different and out there and expressive; and are bold with those choices, those are the people that grow up to be people we all want to hang out with, that become celebrities or become really successful in what they do because they believe in who they are.

Laughter, fun and joy in every aspect of the day brings another dimension to their lives. The power of giggles and uncontrollable laughter is the biggest blessing for a home and the greatest memories we remember as kids.

“The best way to make children good is to make them happy.”
― Oscar Wilde

Tell the world!

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It’s his first day as he transitions from his cute little play school into a primary school. We are super excited and so is he. I suspect the 2 parents and his sister is even more excited than him!

We just can’t believe that the years have flown by so fast and now they will zip by even faster! Looking forward to the adventures that will unravel and the stories that will soon become legend.

I can’t imagine what is about to happen when a 3 year with dimples, a big heart, a sense of humor, a pinch of mischief, dollops of energy, love and imagination walks into school! I wish I could be a little fly on the wall and see the interactions and how he grows up very day. The lessons and the moments that are about to create a big part of his persona. The knowledge and the camaraderie.

Here’s a few beautiful visual quotes from Pinterest on children I chanced upon today as we get set for the big day!

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How do you inspire your kids to motivate themselves? (Here are a few tips to help you influence them towards self-motivation.)

1. Don’t let your anxiety push them to get motivated. You will only motivate them to resist you or to comply to calm you down because they want you to leave them alone. This won’t motivate them as much as teaching them how to appease or resist you. It then becomes about reacting to you instead of focusing on themselves and finding some internal motivation. Your anxiety and need for them to care will just create a power struggle between you and your child.

2. Be inspiring. The only way to motivate is to stop trying to motivate. Instead, work towards inspiring your child. How do you do that? Be an inspiring person. Ask yourself if your behaviors are inspiring or controlling. Understand that your kids will want to run the other way if you’re too controlling. Think about someone in your own life who is inspiring to you, and work towards that goal. Remember, the only thing you’ll motivate if you’re pushing your child is the motivation to resist you.

3. Let your child make his own choices—and face the consequences. Let your child make his own choices. When it’s a poor choice, hold him accountable by letting him face the natural consequences that come with it. If the consequence of not doing his homework is that the computer is taken away, put the need to get that computer time back in his hands. If he finishes his work, he gets the time on the computer you’ve agreed upon. That will be a motivation for him in the right direction without you telling him what to do, how to do it, and lecturing him on why he should care. As a parent, what you’re actually doing is asking yourself, “What will I put up with? What are my values and principles?” and you’re sticking to them.

4. Ask yourself these questions:

What motivates my child?

What does he really want?

What questions can I ask that will help him discover and explore his interests?

What are his goals and ambitions?

Step far enough away to see your child as a separate person. Then observe what you see. Talk to him to find the answers to the questions above. And then listen—not to what you want the answers to be, but to what your child is saying. Just listen to him. Respect his answers, even if you disagree.

5. Choose which door you want to enter. Imagine two doors. Door number one is for the parent who wants to get their kids motivated and do the right thing in life: Get up, go to school, get their work done, be successful. Door number two is for parents who want their kids to be self-motivated to do those things. They want to influence their child to work toward the things they’re interested in. To not only do the right thing but to want to do the right things.

Which door would you enter? If it’s door number one, then the way to achieve that goal is push, punish, beg, nag, bribe, reward, and cajole. If you decide on door number two, then you’ll reach that goal by asking different kinds of questions. Rather than, “Did you get your homework done?” you might say, “Why did you decide to do your homework today and not yesterday? I noticed you chose not to do geometry yesterday, but you’re doing your history homework today. What’s the difference?” Be an investigator, exploring and uncovering, helping your child discover his own motivations and sticking points.

6. It’s not your fault. Remember, your child’s lack of motivation is not your fault, so don’t personalize it. When you do this, you may actually contribute to the underachieving by creating more resistance.

Look at it this way. If you look too closely in the mirror, you can’t really see yourself—it’s just a blur. But when you get farther away, you actually see yourself more clearly. Do the same thing with your child. Sometimes we’re just so close, so enmeshed, that we just can’t see them as separate from us. But if you can stand back far enough, you can actually start to see your child as his own person and start to find out what makes him tick—and then you’ll be able to help him understand himself as well. When you step back and observe, you’ll know what works for him, why he’s reaching for certain things and what really gets him moving. There will be things he’s never going to be motivated to do but is still required to them. He may hate doing his chores and try to get out of it, and that’s when you give him consequences.

The goal is to influence your child when he has to do something he doesn’t want to do, and get to know him well enough to figure out what his own desires might be. As a parent, you want to strengthen his skills in defining what’s important to him. You want to help your child define for himself who he is, what’s important to him and what he’s going to do to make those things happen. Our responsibility is to help our kids do that, not to do it for them. We need to stay out of their way enough so they can figure out who they are, what they think and where their own interests lie.

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Recently a friend of mine introduced me to the concept of ‘being gifted’. I was curious about the subject and did some reading to understand more and found the subject really fascinating and thought it important to share with parents who need to understand how to deal with gifted children and also individuals to realise that they are gifted and it will shed light on behaviour patterns.

She shared a website about an organisation called SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted). It explains what in means to be gifted, how to bring up children who are gifted. The SENG brochure explains how to notice if your child is gifted and shares resources for parents on bringing them up.

“All children are special and have their own areas of strength. However, some children have unusually advanced abilities that require special adjustments at home and school to help them grow and learn. As you watch your child grow and develop, you may notice skills or characteristics that are quite different from those of other children the same age. For example, your child may:

• Be very curious and observant

• Use adult-sounding words and reasoning

• Think of many unusual ideas

• Recognize complex patterns or relationships

• Come to surprising solutions to problems

• Show a strong memory

• Ask unusual questions

• Demonstrate advanced talent in a certain

area (such as mathematics, science,

writing, art, music, or drama)

• Learn letters or numbers early and read

before being formally taught

Children can show giftedness in a variety of ways, and often parents are the first to notice special abilities. If you are seeing a number of these behaviors in your children, it might be a signal that their development is somewhat advanced.”

Qualities of the Gifted

With a beginning vocabulary for the unique way that you experience the world, your ability to take care of your needs will be enhanced. Please remember, what I am describing applies to you in the arena of your giftedness.

High moral standards.
As a gifted person, you have a strong sense of what is right and wrong and how others should be treated. It hurts you to see others mistreat each other, animals or the environment.

Passionate devotion to what interests you.
What absorbs you – absorbs you. You easily devote your energies to what moves you.

Independent, tend not to be a follower.
You may not do well in groups or have much patience for process or ineffectual leaders. You tend not to admire authority figures. You seem them for who they really are. You value people for their gifts, not their positions.

High degree of sensitivity to inner and outer stimulus.
Whether or not what you attune to is relevant, you can easily be overwhelmed by stimulus – visual, auditory, mental, emotional, physical or energetic.

Depression or boredom if you are not engaged.
Because much of what is in the world is simply noise for the gifted person, you may avoid stimulus. In fact, as a gifted person you require stimulus in the areas of your passions. Without the proper stimulus, your gifts can turn against you.

Feeling something is wrong with you because you are unlike others.
Living as a minority, it can take a great effort to stop comparing yourself to others. One tends to compare one’s level of energy, number of friends, activity level, personality with that of others.

Elaborate inner dialogues, thoughts or imaginings.Whether it is what you think when you watch a movie, read a book, hear a lecture, or what you dream – you have a rich inner world. You have rich inner dialogues or imaginings.

Seeing the underpinnings of things.
You tend to think about, explore and see the place of origins. You look at the causal level of interactions in the field of your gifts – whether human interactions, agents of disease, warring countries or foundational aspects to color. You are aware of the place of essence, the place before things have form.

Seeing outcomes before they occur.
You tend to jump ahead. This can occur when you read, listen to someone talk or when you consider an issue. You often see what has not happened yet. Outcomes seems obvious to you because you are considering the variables in a way many are not.

Little interest in much of what interests others.
You don’t find yourself easily absorbed in what interests others – events, activities, news or reading matter. You want to go deeper than most.

A rapid learner in the fields of your gifts.
You tend to have natural abilities without formal training. You are a rapid learner in the area of your gifts and a creative thinker – seeing beyond the given.

A maverick.
Because you process in a different manner than most and tend to attend to many different directions of thought or experience at once, you may find it difficult to be part of organizations or situations that value consensus.

Many skills or interests.
Many (but not all) gifted people find themselves gifted in more than one area. This can make focusing energies and prioritizing very difficult.

Whether in the field of mathematics, interpersonal skills, music, the environment, art or healing, you see the underpinnings of the field itself. While others may work at the level of manifestation in that field -you are responding to a level before form.

You approach the world and problems differently than others. You may be concerned about things that do not concern others.

You see issues before others do, you see the ramifications of choices before the actions have even been implemented. You notice what others don’t. You make connections between ideas that seem unrelated to others. You may see the ramifications of actions of individuals or industries decades before others do.

You may be gifted in fields that do not even exist to most people. If you are a healer, an artist or a scientist, there may be no vocabulary for your thoughts, your experiences or the things you are working on.

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How much to protect and how much to let them experience and learn as kids? This is always the big quandary.

As kids we enjoyed the freedom and learnt so much by doing things and making our mistakes. As a parent, so often the instinct is to protect and ensure everything is perfect.

I have to keep telling myself so often, that resilience and independence are such important virtues to nurture as well. One of the key ingredients for successful living is the ability to learn to adapt and bounce back with the least scars and the maximum wisdom learnt!