11.11.2011

Cart Wheeling

By Amy Mullis

Not long ago, I had a near-death experience in the grocery store. I was bending over to check out Mrs. Fields’ fat grams when a woman wielding a grocery cart like it was a runaway bumper car rounded the corner on two wheels. If it weren’t for quick thinking on my part, I might have required a trip to the Crisco aisle to disengage that buggy from my body.

For a second I thought I saw a bright light, but it turned out to be Register Five calling for assistance. With that thought in mind, I offer 8 Simple Rules for a Successful Supermarket Experience:

1.Show proper care for your vehicle. For the safety of everyone on the floor, do not select a buggy with uncooperative steering that can be guided only by a team of Iditarod sled dogs. Also, be on the lookout for features that may interrupt the aerodynamics of the cart, such as toddlers left over from a previous shopper.

2.When perusing different item choices on the supermarket floor, please be sure to park only in traditionally acceptable parking areas. Nobody cares if you set up camp in front of internal organs in the meat department, but if you pause to check the fat content in the cookie aisle, we will forcibly transport you to the dairy case and secure you to the yogurt section with string cheese.

3.Please observe crowd-friendly speed limits. I know you’re in a hurry to rush home and get those tacos on the table, but don’t careen around the corners so fast that you initiate an awkward meeting between Betty Crocker and Orville Redenbacher.

4.Practice defensive shopping. You must understand that if you stop in the middle of the aisle while trying to decide between creamy and crunchy, you may end up in a jam.

5.Please show concern for the safety of other shoppers. Do not execute a sudden lane change without at least warning the gentleman who is presently rolling his cart over the heels of your Reeboks that he may suddenly find himself neck deep in summer squash. Likewise, don’t speed up suddenly, causing the six-year-old boy who is riding below the cart in front of you like a mudflap on a tractor-trailer to wrap around your front wheel like freshly chewed bubblegum.

6.Do not accelerate like Richard Petty on the straightaway at Talledega to beat me to the Express Lane, especially if your buggy is loaded like a Conastoga and you’re counting all 24 cans of Friskies as one item to make the 10-item limit. I have killed for less than that.

7.Most importantly, steer clear of the lady dressed in stretchy pants and flip flops, who is wringing her hands and circling the snack aisle with a cart that contains an open bag of Ruffles chips, two boxes of Ding Dongs, and a frozen pizza. It’s me and I can’t decide what to have for supper.

Join Amy Mullis at www.mindovermullis.com for more "Don't Let This Happen to You" moments. And just to make sure there's no trouble, steer clear of Aisle 5.