Monday, April 22, 2013

As you all know, your local
park is full of danger. This should come as no surprise in these increasingly
violent times of criminality. These drug dealers deal their drugs in parks.
These teenagers throw “park parties” with their beer balls. And then there’s
the truly frightening threat of awful little dogs on *illegally* too-long
leashes, but we’ll get to them in a bit.

There is a park right by
my house and in it I like to run, in-line skate, and ride my bike. I go fast
because I’m awesome, though I should revise that to say I like to go fast but oftentimes the pathway is more of an obstacle course
than a route of exercise. Every time I do one of these precious activities,
some form of terror presents itself in my path. This danger monster may come in
any form. Below is a list of some of these creatures who could really use a
lesson in proper park etiquette and should stay out of harm’s way. Of course,
by that, I mean they should stay out of my way, because I would like to harm
them…

Unleashed Children

Human beings under twelve
years of age should have to wear collars around their necks or at least be
harnessed in some way. You’ve probably seen parents with their kids on “leashes”
and thought something irrational like, ‘Oh isn’t that terrible?’ No, it is not terrible. Ask some of these “bad”
parents how many times their child has been run into by a roller-skater. I’ll
save you the trouble- the answer is always zero. Anyway, these harnesses should
be attached to leashes no more than six feet in length- the same length that
the LAW states is the limit for dogs. At the ends of these leashes would be the
parent or guardian, who I often blame more than their reckless offspring
because they are not paying attention. You know what will get the parent’s
attention? A loud smash followed by a screaming bloody child. And laughter.

Children don't know how to
do anything on their own. They love to stare as I whip by them with my blazing
man-speed. I can usually navigate around a lone child but even that can be
tricky when the brainless creature decides to move directly into my path for no
reason even though it blatantly sees me coming. Every time a kid gets in my
way, I obviously think about running it over, especially since the odds are I
would make a clean getaway. The only
downfall to this, of course, is that I couldn't go back to the park for a
while. With my flashy exercise clothing and stylish demeanor, I'd be easily
recognized. What would I do, go to a different park? There are probably
children at other parks. And I'd probably be just as tempted to run them over.
It would turn into a vicious cycle. Keep your kids in check, would you?

Instance: While skating, I
came around a corner to see a gross woman standing on the left side of the
path, looking in my direction. On the right side of the path was a young child,
standing there useless as ever. Between them was a slightly older child,
spinning in a circle while holding a three-foot branch. The older child was
clearly the threat. Had he been tethered, he would have spun around so many
times that the leash would have choked him. This is how one learns. Instead, I
had to come to a complete stop (which I’m terrible at doing on skates) and
stare at the gross woman until she told her spinning mutant kid to let me pass.
I’d like to see her on a leash as well. A leash draped over a fence in a matter
so she can’t reach the ground. Dangling. Asphyxiation. Know what I mean?

Little Dogs

As I mentioned earlier,
little dogs are awful. One debate constantly flows through my head: Which is
worse- cats or little dogs? I mean, cats are cats and that's just atrocious.
There are plenty of real-sized awesome dogs but little ones are really bad, except
for a certain Jack Russell with an underbite who is The King. Should all other
little dogs be penalized more than cats because they could be awesome big dogs
but they choose to be yippy things with short, stupid legs? Yes.

This article's reason for
disliking little dogs is because they all think they're super-tough. They're
not. They're dumb. If I saw a creature twenty times my size hurdling toward me,
I'd move as far away as possible and keep quiet. That's smart. But these
stick-legged idiots often decide to start yipping and try to bite my wheels.
Don’t they know anything about basic Physics and the laws of motion, let alone
mass displacement and the fact that I could easily snap their necks apart by
running them over, resulting in little dog death? At the very least, my hot skate
wheels would burn their horrible mouths. Imbeciles.

And get these wretched
morons on regulation leashes. So many times I’ve almost crashed because some
small jerk dog whose owner is ten feet off the path comes running into my way. There
are signs posted in the park that state a dog’s leash can be no longer than six
feet. I found out that this is an actual law straight from the Bergen County
Director of Parks. You can and should get fined for violating this law. I think
you should be thrown into prison for a year.

Your first mistake was
thinking that a Pekingese is a real dog. Your second was putting the thing on a
leash and bring it out into public. And do you think this applies to all dogs?
I have *NEVER* encountered this
situation with a Boxer or German Shepherd or any other awesome dog of an
awesome size. So there.

Instance: While riding my
bike, I witnessed a large woman barrel onto the path in front of me with her stupid
bite-sized dog on a too-long leash. I slowed, shouted “On your left” to deaf
ears and attempted to glide past them. The dog realized I was there just in
time to snap at my huge tires like a fool. I wanted to run it over but my
reflexes made me veer off the path and into a trash can. I stared imaginary
daggers at the woman while she made sure her precious idiot was not harmed. “Are
you serious?” I shouted as she continued walking, ignoring me the entire time.
At that, some nosy middle-aged white schmuck in a polo shirt decided to scream
at me. “Why don’t you ride on the bike path?” he yelled. Being that I was already on the bike path and had
been until the runt forced me off, I went on my way, content that I scared the horrid
dog and feeling a little sorry for a man I can only assume has a severe mental defect.

Have you ever seen someone
who clearly is just learning how to skate? When I say skate, I mean in-line
skate. Rollerblade is a company, not an activity. And ice skating poses its own
terrifying and entirely separate threats. Anyway, if you’ve ever been to a
park, I’m certain you’ve seen new skaters. And seen them, and seen them, and
seen them. This is because they DO NOT MOVE. They STEP two inches then get
driven back by the mighty force of Gravity. And they do this with both arms
fully extended outward. And there’s always some bozo next to this new skater
saying ‘You’re doing great!’ and other misleadingly encouraging things. Also,
there is the risk that this new skater, at any time, could fall and sprawl
across the entire path. So what do you do when you’re behind one of these? You can
announce that you’re coming but the new skater cannot move out of your way.
Nope, he or she will awkwardly stand in the middle of everything like a fly
drowning in urine. Like a what!?

Anyway, the best way to
avoid one of these is to just turn around. My park path is a figure 8 so going
the other way usually solves this issue. If your park is not a figure 8, well,
come to my park. But stay out of my way.

Geese

I love Canada but they
should really take back their brown birds. These evolutionary failures waddle
all over parks and they crap all over pathways. They have large wings but
choose to walk around…………slowly. Their eyesight must be horrible because they
never move out of the way when a much bigger creature is coming directly toward
them. And forget about trying to get past them when they have horrible goslings
around. They hiss because they think they’re snakes since their necks are long
and slender. Wouldn’t it be fun if you could kick a goose in the head and it
would just bounce back and forth like a spring in cartoons?

Does Nature really need
geese? Is there an ecosystem that heavily depends on the goose? I’m not saying
they should all be destroyed but they should all be destroyed.

Spanish Families

Why do Spanish people take
their entire extended families with them when they go for a walk in the park? There’s
never less than a dozen and they scatter all over the place. This is not a
racist thing. This is what happens. Plus, I’m half-Spanish so screw you both ways.
And no, I don’t bring half of my family when I go to the park. You’re
hilarious. What’s peculiar is that these families never do the same activity.
There’ll be two older folks walking slowly, a parent trying to grab a kid
riding away on a tricycle, a teenager dribbling a soccer ball. And there’s
always one family member screaming into a cell phone so loudly that the heavy
metal in my earphones gets muted. Sometimes I will see one Spanish guy casually
jogging and think, ‘Wow, a single Spanish guy casually jogging.’ But in a line
behind him, Enrique, Consuela, little Hector, and even Abuelita are also
jogging in a sort-of effort to keep up with the first señor.

Go watch Jai Alai.

The Impassible Obstacle

I was once skating in the
park when I came upon a scenario which could not be defeated. A middle-aged man
was talking on his phone while *sitting* in the middle of the pathway. His two
children were on either side of him, running amok and dropping things on the
ground. Also on either side of him were two horrible small dogs, each on an
illegal 20-foot leash. There might as well have been a concrete wall in my way.
Like the woman with the branch-spinning kid, I stopped in front of this disaster
area and stared. The guy was facing my direction, by the way. Oblivious. In my
friendliest voice, I exclaimed something like, “You have to get your mess of a
family off of the path.” Without a word, he slowly stood up. He moved to one
side, though his kids and fully-extended dog leashes remained. I continued my stare.
In a feeble attempt to prove he was not completely brain dead, he pulled one
dog to the side. Mind you, the other one was still in the way and the kids were
running around at will. I don’t know Sign Language, but I tried my best to
physically say, ‘Wow, do I hate you. I hate your kids. I hate your dogs. I hate
your parents for bringing you into this world and keeping you alive. I hate whomever
you’re speaking with on the phone. Please, I beg you, in the sweet name of sanity,
remove your wretched self from this area and take your dependants with you.’ He
got the idea but it took no less than six-hundred hours for them all to move. To
spite him, I waited the entire time.

Dishonorable mention goes
to- Old people who converse in the middle of the path, Two women pushing strollers,
and Indian men who walk on the wrong side and refuse to move.

For people who don’t
exercise, walking in the park should be like driving. Also, shame on you for
not exercising. Make sure your children are buckled in and keep your eyes on
them at all times. Restrain your dogs so they don’t fly out the window. Look behind
you somewhat frequently. And stay to the right. This isn’t wrong-side-of-the-street
horrible Australia. I’m at the point where I’m going to start taking people
out, one by one, child by child, wretched little dog by wretched little dog, until
some common park etiquette is realized and practiced.

I know this will not
happen, so I cannot thank you in advance. You’ve been warned.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

You’ve probably heard of a
meter. You’ve hopefully strode several meters at a time. You’re definitely at
least a meter tall. But what is a meter? How long is it? And what does it want
from us?

The truth is a meter
doesn’t want anything from us. It is, after all, a unit of length, incapable of
want or need. Also, it is slightly more than 39 inches. What we want from a
meter is for it to be more easily understood. If you speak with almost anyone
in the world, that person will likely refer to meters. This is because all but
three countries use the Metric system. The Imperial system (Imperial >
Metric, right?) is used by Americans and those wily folks in Myanmar, which
used to be called Burma until its ruling Junta changed the country’s name. It’s
in Asia, so you don’t have to look it up. The Republic of Liberia, which is
probably located somewhere, uses a completely different system. I have no idea
what it is but I’m guessing it’s complicated and quite awful. Let’s just agree
to not go there, alright? Alright.

Quoting one of the worst
arguments I’ve ever read, “From an [sic] European point of view, the U.S. unit
system seems quite complicated and impractical. The difficulty comes mainly
from the fact that larger units seem to be an arbitrary multiple of the next
smaller unit. For example, 3 feet equal to 1 yard, 1 foot equals to 12 inches,
so 1 yard equals to 36 inches.” So the complication comes from the idea that it’s
simple and easy to figure out? Does it make too
much sense?

My main problem with the Metric
system is the leap it takes between a small amount and the next-higher. A
centimeter is less than half of an inch long. Above that is the
huge-by-comparison meter. How do you not have feet!? I mean, so easy. And how lovely
is an inch? There’s even a worm perfectly formed for this unit of measure. Of
course there are also centipedes and millipedes whose names make sense (if you
know Latin) but their leg amounts aren’t so accurate.

And a gram!? Gram was a mythical
sword that was used to slay the equally-mythical dragon Fafnir. Are all people
who use the Metric system dragonslayers? Possibly, but what does that have to
do with a dopey little unit of weight? I don’t know. And ‘Kilogram’ was shortened
to ‘Kilo’ and is often used in the drug trade. Are all people who use the Metric
system drug addicts? Probably. And this ‘tonne’… Does adding two letters make
two-thousand pounds more fierce? What it does do is add 205 pounds, so I guess
it is fiercer. But 2,000 is such a nice number AND it’s evenly divisible by ten,
which Metric people love to claim is better.

What am I talking about?
Sometimes my thoughts run away without warning.

The formula to get a
degree Celsius into Fahrenheit (a German name loosely meaning Drivingness) is
simple: C x 9 / 5 + 32 = F. Got it? Good. No, it’s easier than that. For low
numbers, such as degrees, double the number and add 30. It won’t be exact but
it’ll be close. For example, 10°C doubled is 20, plus 30 makes
50°F. Easy! To prove how nice that is, I’ll use the original equation. 10°C
times 9 is 90; divided by 5 is 18; plus 32 makes 50°F! So this one is accurate
but it’s usually off by a degree or two. Wunderbar!

Let’s not
even go into how little sense liters (or litres) make. Pour me a pint.

Americans
have already adopted part of the Metric system by running “5Ks”. How obnoxious.
Three miles weren’t good enough, huh? So now there’s an extra tenth of a mile
thrown in for no reason other than enabling us to pretend we’re like the rest
of the world.

And on that note, I
believe the USA should adopt the Metric system. Sure, it’ll take the
South centuries to figure it out, but they might and hopefully will rise again
to secede so they can worry about it on their own. It only seems fair that we
take on Metricosity. I mean, the rest of the world speaks English, so it’s the
least we could do.

Thursday, April 04, 2013

I’m walking into a store.
The store doesn’t have automatic doors. I pull the door open and slide my being
through the doorway. For some reason, I glance behind. Some guy is walking
toward the store’s entrance. He’s 25-30 feet away. What should I do now? My goal
was to enter the store, which I’ve pretty much already done. Time to move onto
Phase 2, right? Time to buy new pants and a flashlight, right!? I don’t know.
There’s no need to hold the door for this guy. He presumably drove himself
here. He’s walking upright. He has both arms and they seem to function just
fine. Surely he’s capable of opening this door for himself, just as I have.
It’s not a heavy door. And I’m certainly not going to open it FOR him, allowing
him to pass me. What if he wants the same pants and flashlight as me? So now
I’m here, half in a doorway, holding this door open with my body bent in some
strange way that bodies were not meant to bend. My arm hurts. This door is
getting heavy. I still have time to let it go and walk in. What could happen? A
stranger thinks I’m rude? Or maybe he goes so far as to say something. “Sorry,”
I’d say, not mean, and be done with it. Finally, he reaches the door, sees me
struggling, then turns left toward the pet store. No appreciation and no result
from my effort. This time was truly wasted. Or, worse yet, he goes into the
store and thanks me. ‘You’re welcome.’ What a stupid phrase. And welcome into
what? It’s not my store. Doesn’t some employee get paid to welcome people into
the store? This is not my concern.

Anyway, stop laughing at
me. You’ve been in this predicament and you know how horrible it is.

So what’s the solution? Is
there proper etiquette for this common situation?

Normally, I’d say flinging
the door open and walking in like The King without further touching said door
would be the answer. This way you were never holding the door, even for
yourself. And if you don’t look behind, how could you know someone was there?

But of course you know when someone is there. The actions to be taken
are directly relevant to the person’s distance to the door and the person him-
or herself.

Firstly, if the person is
more than 35 feet (10.7 metres, Brits) from you, absolutely do not consider
holding the door. Use your eyes to judge and give or take fifteen feet. But only
take the fifteen. You owe this person nothing. And maybe you have a nice butt,
so this person should be grateful for the opportunity to see it in action.

If the person is less than
this distance from you…

…and is disabled
(physically or mentally), hold the door and step to the side, allowing them to
pass. I think this is a given. If the person is obscenely ancient and
near-blind, do the same because they might think you work for the store and
give you a sweet, wrinkled dollar.

If it’s a woman with children,
walk in like The King and let the door close behind you. Don’t start helping
her kids. They need to learn for themselves. And odds are the kids will be
unruly so she won’t have time to scold you if she doesn’t understand your
superior parenting skills.

If it’s a woman with a
baby in a stroller- ugh, hold the door. It’ll be awkward but watching the mess
of her trying to enter the store backwards while preventing the door from
crushing her spawn is worse.

If it’s a store employee,
stand aside and wait for him to open the door for you. The money you spend will
go toward his minimum wage. He should not only hold the door open, but thank
you as you enter like The King.

The only situation left
completely up to your discretion is if you fancy the person walking toward the
store. I’m a gentleman; I enjoy ladies; but there’s no way I’m making my new
pants and flashlight wait for me longer than they already have. She’ll probably
continue thinking that chivalry is dead. However, she is woman and I’d like to
hear her roar (not like that, even if she is lovely). Open that door for
yourself! Prove that you don’t need me! You’re welcome. Besides, what’s really
going to happen? I’ll hold the door and she’ll declare love? This is New
Jersey. I’d get a snotty look and a meaningless verbal display of gratitude.

NOW, what if someone is
holding the door for you? Oh God. I’d rather be skinned. If I see someone about
to enter a store thirty feet in front of me, I stop to check my phone or do
some other inane activity until the person is fully inside. There’s no way I’m
witnessing that pathetic smile as someone tries to be nice holding the door for
me. And then I’d be expected to thank
this person! ‘Gee, thanks for doing something I can easily do for myself. Tie
my shoes or make me dinner and I’ll thank you.’

Monday, April 01, 2013

This past March, my friend Odie and I went backpacking around Europe for 2.5 weeks.
Americans would say, 'That's a long time. How did you get off of work?'
Europeans would say, 'That's it? I guess that's a nice, short holiday.'
So there's that. Anyway, I brought a small notebook along so we could
record important information and thoughts. Instead, I present this...

At least we're not stuck on a train in America. 'Why aren't we going? I haven't eaten in 10 minutes.'

If you have to ask what country you're in, you're doing something right.

Bobby Darin.

Bruges to Brussels (a confusing time). Brussels to Leuwen. Leuwen to Liege to Aachen to Köln to Basel to Zurich to Bern to Interlaken. MANY TRAINSHe sleeps on de train. Not on de plane.Eggs and vegetables.Mountain Horse.Buttcheeks are the appeal. Not buttcracks.Is this what young people look like now?

How many days have we been here? Wie viele Tage haben wir hier?Everything.I'd rather be a viking than be smooth.I'm just me, but a judge is a judge.Mountain goats are black guys.That's a lot of bong-bong for 11:30."My friend's cat is totally hot." -Jason'Is this train going to Best Buy?'If the river was whiskeyAnd I was a duckI'd swim to the bottomAnd never come upInterlaken to Bern to Zurich to Schaffhausen to Ulm to Munich to sleep.Liver and snoring. Oh, Junge.Samuel L. Chicken.Muyaht for the ladies. Mutek for the men.

Boris the tourist.Delicious Snacks.

Respect. We don't get into trouble.You could go to China and struggle.Half-price beers if you're in seventh grade.I don't (donut) remember (Yomber) how Muyaht began (begun).

He's an astronaught with a big boner!Well, call your lawyer.Only certain cows.Albanians only listen to songs with Love in the title.It was fine, but it was no horse and cheese.Carrot schnapps!!!!Quality drool.How sour is your sauerbraten? Hee-hoo! My wife likes sweetbraten. Dingly dee! Ah, I'm just messin' with you, Helmut.Craziness and idiocy are not the same.Do I look like Ben Affleck?

'I was only 22.'Oh, you were a little Brussels sprout.'I was a little Brussels sprout. Now I'm a big Brussels sprout!'(read with heavy lisp. chhhh.)

He might not be handsome, but he's handsome. -Odie on Cos

The Social Bulimic- Not shy. Eats, barfs. Says hi to everyone. Doesn't want to not barf.

Someone took my Lumet. It's a small, fragile animal. It's a baby Lumet. The man who took my Lumet also took my wife. And I'm gonna get one back. Because you can't take care of a Lumet and a wife. And I hope my wife doesn't come back, because I really like my Lumet.

Grüß gott.

Beat the salad.

Vienna is just a small fart on the map.

You are a super trooper. La la la.

We're all monkeys. Monkeys are cool.

I can't believe it's been three months already. Time to go back to butt rock and hamburgers.

She's six wickets short of South Africa.

...And that was the first time I crapped on a train while drinking a beer in the handicap toilet.

Did that happen last night?Yeah.Well, for some reason I remember it happening in a bowling alley.We didn't bowl!Yeah, you're right.

'Wait, before we do this I just have to lick the back of your underwear and see what happens.'

New York. Ugh. The city that never sleeps. Maybe it could use a nap.

'That's how I roll!'You should roll...off a cliff!!!

It has nothing to do with sexism. Just eat your fucking cat!

You think you look good? You look like uncooked beef!I like my curves.You look like the toilet!I'm pleasantly plump.There's nothing pleasant about you! A turkey is plump! I'd rather eat a bouillon cube than look at you!

We're in a bar, leaning on a bar, sitting at the bar, with our feet on a bar.