Confidence, Arrogance, and Escaping the Aggressive/Weak Paradox

This post is inspired by a conversation I had with a male friend regarding the subtle difference between “I’d like to kiss you” versus “Can I kiss you”.

“It’s too bad,” I said, “but, ‘Can I kiss you?’ just isn’t sexy. It implies a lack of confidence. And I’m attracted to confidence! What can I say?”

“Yeah, but you say you hate arrogance, right?”

“I can’t stand it! It’s such a turn off.”

He was getting noticeably frustrated. “But they are basically the same thing!” he fumed, “Both are ‘believing in yourself’! Just sometimes people perceive you as arrogant. It’s really about knowing your audience more than anything.”

I disagreed, but I couldn’t put a coherent argument together at the time. Still, his comment got me thinking, “What is the difference between confidence and arrogance?” It’s true, both words embody a strong belief in oneself, but arrogance makes others feel bad, while confidence is inspiring.

(This post is a team effort with my friend Jeff. We’ve discussed everything together and agreed on everything presented here. While most of the post comes primarily from my voice, there’s also a section where Jeff is the main speaker. This will be denoted with bold. )

So What’s the Diff?

Here’s what the Merriam-Webster online dictionary has to say:

So confidence is self-assurance, but arrogance exaggerates that self-assurance to the point of superiority.We perceive someone as arrogant when they imply that they are superior to us through their actions, words, or demeanor. For example…

I think we can all agree that some people are plain ol’ arrogant

Kanye West was notoriously arrogant when he cut off Taylor Swift at the 2009 VMAs. By interrupting Swift’s acceptance speech, he showed the world that he thought his opinion was superior to the awards committee, Swift’s feelings, and the standard etiquette protocols.

But most cases are not as obvious as Kanye West. Often, when we try to display confidence, our behavior may still be interpreted or perceived as arrogance. How frustrating! No one wants to be (perceived as) an arrogant asshole.

Is this guy confident or arrogant?…Hard to tell.

Maybe sometimes we truly are powerless to a few haters people’s perception of us. However, in the vast majority of cases, there is ONE simple thing we can do to ensure that we don’t come off as arrogant:

Show genuine respect and appreciation for others.

That’s it. It’s so simple… Yet so elusive! Confident people show respect to others. Arrogant people don’t. Let me explain this conclusion:

When someone is confident, they believe in themself, yes. However, they also believe that others may have something valuable to contribute. They know that they themselves are highly competent or intelligent, but they don’t think that they are better or more important than others. In fact, they look for opportunities to learn from and invite others to participate in the situation. They genuinely appreciate others.

Arrogant people also believe in themselves. They believe in themselves so much that they forget to listen to other people. They are dismissive towards others’ suggestions. They cut people off, or somehow prevent others from participating in the discussion or interaction. They don’t show respect for others because they are blinded by a belief that their way is the best way.

The Aggressive/Weak Paradox

The balancing act between confidence and arrogance is not inherently a feminist issue. It’s an issue that all people (of any gender or sexual orientation) will probably tackle at some point in their lives. The confidence/arrogance distinction plays a big role in one especially frustrating situation known as the “aggressive/weak paradox”. I’m sure there’s an academic definition for the term ‘paradox’ out there, but for now, let’s just say a ‘paradox’ is a situation where you’re screwed no matter what you do (aka a catch 22 or a lose-lose situation).

Well…fuck.

The aggressive/weak paradox is a specific type of catch 22 where you ‘lose’ if you speak-up/act decisively and you also ‘lose’ if you remain silent /act indecisively.

You know, situations where you think, “well, I want to get my point across in this argument, but I don’t want to be an asshole about it” or “I want credit for all this work I did, but I don’t want to be a showoff”—these are little aggressive/weak paradoxes. If anything can be gender free, these situations are. These situations are frustrating, but they usually aren’t a HUGE deal. We find a way to get through them.

However, when the aggressive/weak paradox shows up in gendered situations, people get extremely riled up.

Female Leadership

The textbook example of the aggressive/weak paradox is the Female Leadership paradox. Female leaders who demonstrate decisiveness will often be called “controlling”, “masculine (in a bad way)”, “mean” and “aggressive”. However, if they show any signs of indecisiveness whatsoever they are called “soft”, “easily swayed” “obviously not cut out for the job” “feminine (in a bad way)” and “weak”. In both cases, the ‘team’ Ms. Leader is supposed to be leading gets angry with Ms. Leader and doesn’t want to cooperate.

So frustrating, it makes your face go like this.

Male Romantic Pursuit

What seems to be a new issue is an aggressive/weak paradox gendered to the detriment of heterosexual men. With rising understanding and resistance towards rape culture, many men are now finding romantic pursuit to be a lose-lose situation.

In the Male Romantic Pursuit paradox, men who take romantic initiative might be labeled “creeper”, “rape-y”, or “aggressive”. However, if they are not able to clearly express their desire they risk being labeled “uninterested”, “passive”, “boring” or “weak”. If they simply don’t do anything, they lose an opportunity for a romantic/sexual relationship.

Escaping the Aggressive-Weak Paradox

The goal of this post is not to immediately change the paradox, but to help people escape it here and now, in their world, in whatever context. Recognizing the difference between confidence and arrogance (showing genuine respect for others) can help us escape even the gendered aggressive/weak paradoxes. Maybe it won’t work in every single situation, but we’ve got to at least give it a try!

Confidence while respecting others is simple in theory, but tough in practice. Why? Because confidently asserting yourself while respecting others requires you to be ok with not-always-getting-your-way. This may ultimately be a good thing. I mean, hey, maybe your way isn’t the best way. How can you know for sure until you have considered what other people have to say? If you think your way is unquestionably the best, without listening to other’s ideas, you are implying that you are superior.

It’s tough. For many people, including myself, being ‘right’ is important to the self-image/ego. Entertaining the possibility that you might not have the best idea might make you feel …*gasp*… vulnerable.

Vulnerability?! What? Where did that come from?

It’s counter-intuitive, but true. Seeking others views requires a teeny bit of vulnerability, because you pre-emptively acknowledge that you might be wrong. Willingly displaying vulnerability while maintaining a solid sense of one’s viewpoint and innate self-worth? Now, that’s confidence! And it requires far more courage and self-assurance than blindly (arrogantly) assuming superiority.

Likewise, asking others for their opinions (or consent) is NOTweakness. However, if in the process of asking for other views, you manage to imply that your ideas are not valid or good, you automatically show lack of confidence. In a paradoxical situation this may be perceived as weakness.

You don’t have to agree with what others have to say, let alone be happy about it. But you need to truly consider their thoughts and opinions to be able to figure out what is best for the situation. If you do this, you will not behave arrogantly. At the same time, you need to maintain the conviction that your ideas are valid. This way you will not perceived as weak. This is true for both professional situations (such as leadership) and intimate personal interactions (such romantic pursuit).

Escaping the Female Leadership Paradox

Personally, I had a lot of trouble with the Female Leadership aggressive/weak paradox during my time as the president of a club at my university. Many of my officers felt that I was too controlling and aggressive. I felt like I was just trying to get stuff done! Luckily, I had the opportunity to start clean (with a whole new set of officers) in a new school year. That summer I read a butt load of self-help books on leadership, and I realized that to be an effective leader, I needed to show more respect and appreciation for others. Furthermore, it had to be genuine appreciation or else I’d come off as patronizing.

The following year I was far more cognizant of the other officers. I sought out their advice and opinions, and seriously considered their suggestions. Sometimes I didn’t get my way, but that was because the group collectively decided that there was a different, better way. That doesn’t mean I was an incompetent leader. It means that two (or more) heads are better than one. Voila! I escaped the female leadership paradox. The club got stuff done, and so far as I know, I stopped being perceived as a bulldozer.

Not me

Escaping the Male-Romantic Pursuit Paradox

(This is Jeff talking now). Simply walking up to a cute girl at a party and saying something as innocuous as, “Hey, hey, so we’re both at this party” (ok, not that exactly, but you know what I mean) has become a loaded social interaction. All I have to do is introduce myself, and social implications create a situation where all of the sudden, I’ve become a potential threat! Because this storyline is already in play, it is especially important that I make no assumptions about the interaction. I’ll flirt, but in doing so, I’ll seek out her desire–or lack thereof–then resolutely respect her views.. Maybe she is interested in romance or sex, but maybe she just wants a good conversation. If I keep the “goal” of sexy-times in my head, with no room for negotiation, I will be interpreted as a ‘creeper’ whether or not I actually cross her boundaries! However, if I simply confidently offer my company– sexual or otherwise, I leave space for her to contribute in whatever way she wants.

This doesn’t mean men can’t initiate. It just means you must do so without adding to those pre-existing assumptions of “it’s my job to convince/pressure her into sexy times”. If you don’t make assumptions about her, it’s unlikely that she’ll make assumptions about you. It’s unlikely that she will label you ‘creeper,’ because she had a say in the interaction, and you respected her say. Creepers don’t respect others. They just keep pushing the boundaries. When you actively seek her perspective or consent, she will feel appreciated, respected and safe. If she is romantically/ sexually interested she may be inclined to trust you more. If she isn’t interested, it’s likely she still enjoyed your company and felt comfortable around you.

We are in Transition

These gendered paradoxes can be seen as a result of society slowly changing. Transition on a societal scale takes time, as it’s comprised of millions of tiny, personal transitions. As we gather more and more tiny transitions, I bet these gendered aggressive/weak paradoxes will start to go away.

The Female Leadership paradox has already begun to fade. Today, as female leadership becomes more commonplace and people are becoming more comfortable with female leaders, the aggressive/weak paradox is becoming less of an issue. That said, there’s still a long way to go. Most people still gets far angrier with female leaders that don’t show appreciation for their team than with male leaders behaving similarly. A big factor in chipping away at the Female Leadership paradox has been the extraordinarily courageous female leaders who have mastered that incredible balancing act of respectful confidence.

All leaders, regardless of gender should show genuine respect to their team. It’s just the best management practice. However, female leaders have been especially compelled to do this to escape the aggressive/weak paradox.

The Male Romantic Pursuit paradox is a far more recent phenomenon. As society grapples with the idea of rape culture, a new version of the traditional adage “we must protect the women-folk from all the horny men!” has surfaced. However, enforcement of this idea has shifted from shaming women for allowing any sex to shaming men for pursuing unwanted sex (a fine, fine plan, in my opinion!). Unfortunately, a large part of society still applauds male sexuality as conquest. Together these conflicting views create perfect conditions for a paradox.

For many, asking for explicit consent (“Can I kiss you”) is still perceived as weak, or unsexy. Yet many people denounce “just going for it” as rape culture. Luckily, there is something in the middle: expressing desire without pressure (“I’d like to kiss you”); confidence without arrogance.

As we progress, I bet that ‘sexual conquest’ will become increasingly less accepted, and women will initiate more romantic endeavors. These phenomena will help alleviate the Male Romantic Pursuit paradox. However at the forefront, we need extraordinarily courageous men who can pursue romance with both confidence in themselves and respect for their partners.

So back to this guy:

Is he confident? Or arrogant? I honestly can’t tell. I guess it really depends on how he treats the people around him.

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About Rebecca Flin

Rebecca often feels like she is caught between counterculture and mainstream culture, unable to fit comfortably into either. This is probably because she grew up in a traditional nuclear family, surrounded by a community of Portlandia-esque hippytude and ardent liberalism.

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19 thoughts on “Confidence, Arrogance, and Escaping the Aggressive/Weak Paradox”

Within the last week and a half, I literally addressed this very dichotomy in the situation of wanting to kiss someone. I think I was confident.

SCENE: cis-female, cis-male talking in a kitchen.

M: I don’t want to mess anything up, but I’m very into you and I was wondering if there were more than just friend feelings here?

F: I’m not going to say, ‘No,’ but I’m not sure yet.

M: Not a no makes me very happy. I’ll check in again.

END SCENE

And we’ve kept checking in since. I feel good about this. I self-assess that as being assertive about me, but asking about her. I don’t feel that self-confidence and respect for her were at all mutually exclusive, and I hope I acted that way. So I think that others could, too.

Thank you! I love that SCENE. yes!! Self-confidence and respect are NOT mutually exclusive. But for whatever reason, weird gender-role culture makes it hard to get both in certain situation. Go you for making it work!! =)

The guy in the photo would be confident if he were home alone admiring his muscles. But the minute he posts the photo, shares the photo he has crossed the line over to arrogance.

I am an “old lady” by the scheme of things. I am highly independent and many man have said intimidating. I believe in being pursued and that men know what they want and if interested will pursue you. I will say the greatest turn on for me is a man you says, “I’d like to kiss you/hold your hand/take you out/buy you a drink etc.” That is a man I want to get to know further. A man who knows his mind and is not afraid to share it.

Great post! “Creepy” men in my opinion are those whose agenda is manipulating women into bed and who use an aggressive approach in order to achieve that goal. A confident man is one who expresses his desire, allows the woman to respond, and respects that response. Confidence in a man is very sexy!

OK, first, I love the confidence vs. arrogance distinction on the general level. That’s a really tricky one, and I think you really nail it when you address the issue of respect. Well done!

And second, as a heterosexual male, this is something that has *tormented* me for years. I agonize over this. On the one hand, I want romance, and gender roles being what they are, that means that I need to initiate romantic overtures. At the same time, if I do this, do I run the risk of being a “skirt chaser?” The vestiges of traditional gender roles mean that I have to make the approach; the new gender roles towards which we’re heading mean that, if I do, I’m an overly-aggressive creeper.

I hate it.

I hate it so much.

So I appreciate that you bring it up 🙂 Great article!

(oh, and obviously, this is not to say that the romance paradox is more important than the female leadership paradox; it just has more direct and personal relevance for me.)

The statement of desire is a good compromise; it’s been the one I opt for; I hate the suggestion that we “ask for permission” – effectively that still gives the idea that sex is a boon dispensed by a woman showing mercy to a groveling suitor, rather than something both parties enjoy, and it does feel weak. Unless you’re in a fem-dom male-sub BDSM situation asking for permission feels wrong. I’d suggest “I want” sounds even stronger than “I’d like”.

Compare “can I have a hug please?” to “I want to hold you.” – firstly “hug” is a thoroughly castrated word anyway – teddy bears are hugged, children are hugged, your mummy gives you a hug – there is nothing sexy about the word “hug”. Secondly “can I” and “please” suggest the asker is in an inferior position and dependent on the other’s charity.

“want” is strong – it’s desire. “hold” is strong – it’s firm – it isn’t necessarily sexual, you could just hold someone and help support them, or hold them and let the tears come, but whilst not necessarily sexual, it’s definitely not sexless either. You hold someone in the throes of passion, don’t you? You don’t hug them in the throes of passion! The hope with the statement of desire is you get a statement of desire right back. Even if it’s “I’d like that”.

Another way of asking “what do you like?” that is less likely to get the response “that would be telling” or “you’re just going to have to find out” is to say “If I wanted to make you [insert obscenely lurid description of her ecstasy or arousal here] what would I have to do?”; I was having a texting relationship with a girl and bowled her over with “if I wanted to get one of those kisses that goes on forever and leaves both of us breathless and high on endorphines, what’s most likely to get you in the mood for that?”

Great article, very interesting!! I want to address something about confidence, though…

“If they simply don’t do anything, they lose an opportunity for a romantic/sexual relationship.”

I don’t exactly agree with this widely held notion. For a long time I tried to be confident the way men are told to be confident even though I am not a man, because I was primarily interested in women. Like you I thought, if I simply don’t do anything, I lose an opportunity for a romantic/sexual relationship and also demonstrate a lack of confidence. On the other hand, trying really hard to be confident when I wasn’t got me into a lot of awkward situations. Furthermore, I think that by trying or pretending to be more confident, I often ended up dating people who expected me to be more confident than I was, and who were less confident than I was looking for myself. This typically ended in a lot of frustration and never led to any long-term sexual or romantic relationships.

On the other hand, I mostly ended up getting together with people with very little effort anyway, when it was least expected. Oddly enough, my first long-term relationship is with a man who I perceive to be more self-assured than any of my previous partners, all women or female-assigned genderqueers. I did not have to “do anything” other than go out of my way to find him in a sparsely populated dance club which was the last event in the conference we met at. In fact, at this point I wasn’t even sure I was interested in him sexually since I’d never been with a guy. I don’t think I thought much about his confidence level, but ultimately he did not say anything about kissing. He simply asked me to dance, we gradually got closer, then I gathered with certainty that he wanted to kiss me, hesitated in uncertainty about whether *I* wanted to kiss *him*, and finally decided to lean in for a kiss. On the other hand, I’ve had another person say, “I’d like to kiss you” – I found that person VERY attractive, but I also was a bit frustrated by her seeming desire to wait for me to make the move, which I think she did until a few hours had passed… part of my problem is that I usually can’t tell if I’d really like to kiss someone until I kiss them, so I particularly don’t like to initiate kisses!

Anyway, basically, I’ve realized that while self-confidence is helpful in relationships, it doesn’t necessarily make or break one, although you probably do need at least one person in the relationship who is fairly confident. My current partner has a fiancée who he says is pretty shy and he wishes she believed in herself – not “because confidence is sexy!” but because *he* has confidence in her, thinks she’s brilliant, and thinks her intelligence and abilities deserve her confidence. After all, I don’t believe that there’s such a thing as someone who is “totally self-confident.” I think in our society we have a somewhat mystified concept of what (self-)confidence is. Whether or not someone asks vs states their interest in kissing, or says anything at all, doesn’t necessarily say anything about confidence at all. I’ve had someone say to me, “Can I kiss you?” who turned out to be a confident and homophobic sexual harasser. I’ve also had someone say, “I would like to kiss you,” who later said she wondered if we were only together because we were both insecure.

I’m really appreciating having a partner for once who I don’t feel is unrealistically hoping for me to stand in for their lack of confidence, or idolizing me for the ways in which I am more confident than them, or getting annoyed at me for when I’m not self-confident, or anything like that. Some of those partners, it turns out, didn’t even respect me all that much. And let’s be real here – respect is more important in a relationship than pretty much anything, including confidence. Come to think of it, you define confidence as being based on respect. I want to make another distinction – there’s (other-)confidence and there’s self-confidence. I think that what people look for more in a partner than self-confidence, besides respect, is the confidence their partner has in them and their relationship. For example, my current partner might be the guy in your photo showing off his muscle, but he does it totally honestly and directly to the point that it’s amusing. He wants to know that I adore him and doesn’t hesitate to state that he is fishing for compliments, and I know that if I refused his confidence wouldn’t really be hurt. He might be slightly arrogant at times, but he makes up for it with loads of respectfulness. And his fiancée may be shy, but I can tell from what he tells me about her that she has immense respect for him. I know he has insecurities, like all people do, but overall we work out… and compatibility, while requiring a certain degree and kind of respect and self-confidence, is ultimately about so much more than that. Ultimately we work out not just because of those things, but because he is confident *in me* and vice versa, because the conversation flows very well, because it’s the right time in our lives, because there’s physical attraction, because we have the right things in common, because our lifestyles and values are similar, because our struggles are similar, because polyamory works for both of us, because he likes to take the lead in relationships and I don’t.

Anyway, I think maybe your distinction between arrogance and confidence comes down to self-confidence and confidence in and respect for others? “Confidence” means “with faith,” which isn’t necessarily about respect, but about the absence of doubt.

“Is he confident? Or arrogant? I honestly can’t tell. I guess it really depends on how he treats the people around him.” Maybe he’s both? I actually think everyone is confident and everyone is arrogant, in different ways, but that’s getting perhaps a little too philosophical for this conversation.

I should wrap this comment up because it’s super long now… I will just end by saying that the concept of self-confidence is way more complex than we tend to think it is. Arrogance and confidence are not monolithic identities. And sorry if this sounds like one long criticism – I really appreciate your post and agree with you overall. I just think a lot about the meaning of self-confidence, so that is what your post inspired me to expand on. I’m still figuring out the right forms of confidence that work for me, but I think it will always be a work in progress.

Very good article! I’ve danced around the aggressive/weak complex issue, mostly on the weak (imho, safe) side for most of my life. I appreciate the nuances the “Can I kiss/I’d like to kiss/ I’m going to kiss” example.

Also, there are a lot of young females at leadership positions in my company, and the female leadership paradox discussion is very valid. Thankfully, any time someone has issues with their leadership, it;s being assessed on the same terms, by actions, not with gender roles skewing the perceptions.

All in all, i believe both of these paradoxes are part of an “overshoot” as society moves towards really treating people fairly and holding everyone to the same standards, regardless of gender. The future will be better, we might as well make it happen as soon as we can!