How many does it take before you find your Prince?

Sexual Conundrum #49 – Arguably Undersized Assets

Apologies for the break in blogging, but like all of you I have been attempting to revel in the festive season. Sadly I contracted the most deadly of deadliest colds on Christmas Day of all days and have spent the last ten days in bed (sadly alone, not with my own personal man nurse like I would have hoped for.) I did stir myself out of those sheets long enough to down seven shots of tequila and hunt down a New Years kiss though. A poor Irish boy who I’m afraid will be experiencing many phlegm filled days in weeks to come. Sorry dude. 😉 But hey I’m back now and it’s a brand new year which means brand new men, sex positions and who knows what else? But as the first blog of the year lets get back to some old business and carry on with the story of Callum!

Ah the sweet glow of new love! Callum and I were like two peas in a pod, spending every moment we could together. Well whenever I had time to drive over to his house that is. It’s very tricky having a boyfriend who doesn’t drive and has a strong aversion to public transport. But we prevailed and finally we had got to know each other well enough to go ahead with the big event.

(Anyone who is thinking marriage at this point is clearly reading the wrong type of blog. I’m talking sex people!)

I hadn’t attempted to go down on him since the ‘milk’ episode so I decided to make it a combo deal of firsts and give him a night to remember.

First, I did the obligatory bra and panty shop, finally deciding on a cute but sexy black number that I was sure would have him bulging at the seams.

Then I cleansed thoroughly, and no I’m not talking about the cleansing you do in the shower. A couple of laxatives the night before made for a messy morning but after a few interesting visits to the ladies I was ready for action with a flat stomach Carmen Elektra would be jealous of.

Well not really, but I could do up my jeans without sucking in too much, so that was a bonus.

Safe in the knowledge that no farts or sharts would be ruining my night of romance I took a long luxurious shower, slathering on three different types of lotion.

After towelling down I made the unfortunate discovery that coconut, chocolate and mango essentially smell like dirty old ass when combined together, so it was back into the shower for a scrub down and a severe mental note never to repeat that mix.

After a final earring and necklace check (earrings that won’t get caught when flinging hair around and necklace long but not too long to hamper blowjobs) I was ready to go.

I cruised around to his house, Celine Dion pumping all the way. Oh yes, I was ready for the power of love all right.

Bouncing up the steps to his apartment, I felt as giddy as a schoolgirl and made a quick not to myself to buy myself an outfit to match that feeling for next time.

Callum answered the door, none the wiser to my sex filled plot, and we enjoyed a lovely dinner of spaghetti.

Of course, I didn’t eat much as he tended to add onions to his spaghetti mix. Onions make me super gassy and that was so not the vibe I wanted to be putting out. Sex does smell in it’s own special way, but there’s no way you can mask that particular onion funk. Nothing ruins the big moment more than a waft of fart in the nostrils just before you come.

Eventually after moving my food around on the plate for what felt like hours, Callum suggested we go to his room to watch a movie.

Watch a movie? Oh I see. Say no more sir, I am on to your special sexual language.

It was clearly a badly disguised code for, come to my bedroom madam, so I can roger you within an inch of your life.

Yes please.

I slid off the chair and with a flick of my hair, walked seductively to the boudoir, excited beyond belief for my deflowering. Once inside, I draped myself across the bed, arms above my head and legs akimbo, practically begging to be defiled by my testosterone charged man.

I was severely disappointed Lovers.

When said defiler entered the room, he had a very different idea in mind.

Callum looked at me for a moment, his eyes searching, before coming down to join me on the bed. His hands reached up towards mine and grasped….

The remote.

Night of unbridled passion officially ruined.

Goddamit this guy was hard to screw! No longer was I in the frame of mind to ‘make love.’ No, now I was ready for a good old-fashioned fuck. Just take me real and raw, boy.

But that was not to be, as the news was on and the state of the country was apparently far more important than my raging libido.

I humphed in frustration, trying to make my irritation clear enough for him to turn off the tv and turn his hot girlfriend on instead. Honestly you’d think the man had never had a horny woman in his bed before!

After heaving an extremely over prounounced sigh, I tried to content myself by imagining the news presenter naked.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Finally though, the weather girl wrapped up her speech on how wet it would be over the next few days, (I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony, I was dry as a bone with not a lick of moisture in sight. A very sad forecast indeed.)

With the titillating sound of the newscast in my ears, I decided to make my move.

My hand snaked up his torso until it was resting on his pecks (you can still call them pecks when they’re kind of squidgy right? I mean the muscles still there; it’s just under… witness protection. And by witness protection…. I mean fat.)

I grasped his peck and located his nipular area, slowly circling my fingers around it to see if I could get it hard. I mean hey, if I couldn’t get his nipple hard, what hope in hell did I have to get his wang working?

To my delight I felt movement almost instantly. Within seconds his nipple was right and ready to poke out the nearest unwary eyeball. I grinned fiendishly to myself and slipped my hand lower to his navel, grazing the soft skin around his belly button.

Throughout this time Callum didn’t seem to be reacting in any particular way, so I just assumed the cheeky fellow was playing coy. But boy he was really laying it on thick, not even hinting at a smile or giving me the odd sideways look.

Was it because The Sum of All Fears had just come on television? I mean sure Ben Affleck is hot, but come on, I spent fifty bucks on this lingerie!

Never one to back down from a challenge I took a deep breath and eagerly engaged.

(Note: To all you normal women out there, this would be the perfect time to give up, punch your guy in the stomach and storm out. However as we know by now, I am the opposite of normal, and can’t take hints even when they strip naked and try to give my face a lap-dance. So read on and take in the horror of what comes next, but please, I implore you ladies, don’t try this at home!)

I squashed my entire body as close to him as I could, going for the whole skin on skin erotic feel, (which probably would have worked were we not fully clothed) whilst my hands did a little dance down to his jeans. Peeking up, I checked to see if anything I was doing was having the slightest affect on the boy, but I needn’t have bothered. Callum just lay there like a mute potato, seemly oblivious to my touch (although I suppose to be fair most potatoes are mute these days.)

Well, movement or no movement from the man attached to the jeans, there was no going back now. I had his belt in my hands and it was coming off pronto. With a flick and a slip his belt was on the floor and my hungry hands were exploring unchartered territory.

I was finally going to glimpse the peen!

I undid the first button on his jeans and moved onto the next with feverish anticipation. My fingers fell upon the second button within moments and I dived for it greedily. But this particular button was not quite as easy as the first, which to be honest was frustrating as hell as I was about as easy as a packet cake mix by this point. I worked the button this way and that but it just wouldn’t budge. It seemed to be covered by fabric or something. Was it some sort of inside button that doubled as a damn chastity belt? I fumbled around for a few moments before I froze in my tracks.

The button moved.

Ever so slightly, but there was a definite pulsing to it. I reared back, trying to get a better angle on the…situation.

And then it hit me.

Dear god, I had mistaken his penis for a button!

Desperate to hide my shock from Callum, I yanked his jeans down as fast as I could. He yelped as the zip grazed his ‘button’ and scraped down his leg.

I muttered my apologies whilst I made a beeline for his underwear. I had to know, I had to see just what I was dealing with. Some things are very attractive in a man and can enhance his looks rather than detract from them. Button nose yes, button penis, not so much.

I closed my eyes as I slid his underwear down to his thighs, feeling the scratchy tuft of pubes as I did so.

Ugh he didn’t even trim, bloody typical.

No, focus! I screamed at myself. Pubes aplenty is fixable, puny penis could be an issue.

Taking a deep breath to gather my nerves, I opened my eyes and shot a look at his groinal area.

Hmmmmm.

Well, it could have been worse.

The word I would use to describe Callum’s member would be… squat. Or stout. Any of those hardy, sturdy type words would fit the bill really. Some boys are thick at the base and taper off towards the top, but Callum was fairly solid the whole way up, like a naughty adult crayon. Sadly lengthwise, crayon was a fairly accurate description of the situation. I didn’t dare to compare but a tiny voice at the back of my head was yelling “Oh my god! He’s half the size of Rick!”

I quickly shut that voice up lest it show on my face.

Of course there was no need to worry about hiding my emotions, as the movie was just starting to rev up and Callum was more enthralled by Ben Affleck’s guns than that pesky girl gawking at his penis.

I should have given up. I should have called it a night, sighting shock, a head ache or the fact that I just adored the Sum of All Fears. But I’m just not that good a liar.

I’ll never like that movie.

So with some trepidation I took a deep breath, thought sexy thoughts and initiated contact.

To be continued…!

Claire

Pickup line of the week: Your father must have been a mailman, cause you’ve got a great package.