Fredric Neuman M.D.

What to Do On a Second or Third Date

Do interesting things.

There are not a whole lot of things that people can do on a first date. Usually, they are sitting together somewhere holding a drink in one hand or a cup of coffee. Sometimes they meet for dinner. Often, if the date has been arranged over the internet, that meeting was set up sensibly only to last for a short time--long enough for each person to decide whether or not they want to get to know the other. A man and woman meet, talk for an hour or so, and then, usually, never see each other again. Not much time is wasted. Other first encounters in a bar or at a party are not much different. It is sensible to approach dating experiences in general with no great expectation that any particular relationship will develop into something important. Everyone should look forward to having fun, rather than finding—at that moment and in that place—the person they will want to marry. Getting to know someone new can be fun, in and of itself, if nothing is at stake. And most of the time nothing is at stake.

Sometimes the couple will make arrangements to see each other again. Usually, where they go and what they do will not matter very much. If they come to know each other and grow to like each other better over time, they may begin to care for each other in a serious way. Sometimes unpromising beginnings take sudden turns for the better, and people fall in love.

But not infrequently, a couple may be strongly attracted to one another on the first date. Christopher Marlowe put it more strongly: “…whoever loved, that loved not at first sight?” Well, plenty of people; but on many occasions I have heard someone speak of meeting someone and then “talking half the night.” Even if that person is not speaking about love at first sight, something akin to that has happened. It then becomes important to that person that he or she does what can be done to make a good impression on that other person. He--or she--wants to be liked, and, possibly, loved. With that in mind, what should the second or third date look like? What to do and where to go should not be chosen simply on the basis of someone feeling most comfortable in those settings.

Doing the same thing repeatedly. (Even going out to dinner, except when it is part of doing something else.)

Keep in mind that over the course of a very long relationship, couples do not spend a lot of time in bed making love; but they do spend a lot of time talking to each other. It is desirable, therefore, for someone to present himself/herself as interesting. And, in order to be interesting, that person must do interesting things!

Of course, what strikes one person as interesting may not seem so to someone else. I think it is reasonable to try to determine what is interesting to the other person; but it is not reasonable to submerge one’s own interests entirely. It is not sensible to pretend an interest in professional sports, for instance, or medieval art, since keeping up that pretense for any length of time would become onerous and unworkable. Still, it is desirable to try something new. In fact, I think that is one aspect of doing something interesting during this very early period in a relationship. It should be just a little novel to the other person, and, perhaps, to both people. These activities may be divided into different categories:

Sports, or other physical activities. Not tennis, which requires a separation of twenty or thirty feet. Hiking (or taking a walk) through an unfamiliar setting—perhaps a park or a nature preserve. Jogging or swimming are activities that people can do together.

Other outdoor activities. Taking a boat ride or going to a zoo. Apple picking. Making a picnic. Going together to a sporting event.

Going to an unusual or special restaurant (as part of doing something else). i.e. A restaurant on the water or one that has unfamiliar foods or a unique setting.

Cultural activities (in the widest sense of the word). Not only museums or outdoor concerts, but also comedy and jazz clubs.

Social activities (as long as they leave a lot of time to be alone together). Parties, church activities. (If possible, in novel settings.)

Of course, if one of the two people have a favorite place, that would probably be a good place to go on a date since it will be endorsed enthusiastically by that person—and enthusiasm is always appealing.

Suggestions of what to do on a second or third date should not come exclusively from the man. However, since it is still conventional in this early stage of a relationship for the man to pay for doing whatever they decide on, the woman has to consider expense when she makes a particular suggestion. Men have more leeway.

Of course, this is all background. What both men and women try to do during these first meetings is to convey something of themselves. They want the other person to see that idealized version of themselves that they themselves see. Everyone has a picture of himself or herself that is appealing in one way or another: “I am sensitive,” one person may feel. Another thinks, “I am strong.” Or “I am reliable,”—or kind, or thoughtful, or knowledgeable, or caring, or resourceful, or gracious, or any one or two of a number of different ways of being. So, naturally, during these times when two people are talking to each other about everything, but especially about themselves, they are trying to paint that picture. The places where they happen to meet are just background. But it is desirable to have an interesting background.

It is natural if someone is really good at something, to try to show off a little. I think it is a good idea to try to restrain this impulse. If someone is a great juggler, or a fine artist, or a good piano player, the other person is reduced to being a spectator rather than a partner in conversation.

As it happens, I am a good piano player. I remember dating a young woman who was plainly losing interest in me until I sat down at the piano. After a few minutes, her face lit up and she smiled at me, as if seeing me for the first time. Her renewed interest lasted about an hour and a half.

Naturally, each person should show a special interest in the other. That interest is more important than explaining oneself. But it is an interest that comes naturally and does not have to be feigned.

After the third or fourth date, there is the opportunity to meet each other’s friends and enter into each other’s life; but it is important to make a good start.

"What both men and women try to do during these first meetings is to convey something of themselves. They want the other person to see that idealized version of themselves that they themselves see."

That actually seems to explain quite a lot of the difficulty I have in cultivating a relationship. I'm not great at seeing an idealized version of myself, let alone trying to present that to another person.

I think you're saying that you don't have a very good self-image. Everyone has a version of themselves they would like to live up to--garnered from the movies and other stories--and from the successful people around them.But just in case you don't think of yourself as smart, or funny, or capable, or charming,(not many people can manage charming) let me suggest a particular way of being:
friendly, considerate, and kind.
Over the years, I have asked married women what they liked about their husbands when they first met them. Often they say "attractive", but just as often they say he was "nice."

It's interesting that you draw a distinction between being "nice" and being attractive. Now,.maybe I'm just too young and need to wait until the attractive people exit the dating pool in my age group, but I've met lots of single women who thought I was nice and none who thought I was worth pursuing a relationship.

As to your larger point, unless my idealized self has "dishonest"as a defining trait, I just don't know how I can "sell" a product I don't believe in.

I don't see the point in idealizing, anyway, or in expecting an idealized person. Someone who is more down to earth and realistic will make a better partner, anyway. Trying to portray some idealized image smacks of hubris.

I have just started dating a wonderful man. We are about to have our "third date" and I want to share what worked.

Many people say when you stop looking for love, love finds you. That might be true for a lot of folks, but in my case I had to put a little conscious effort into it. I have struggled with the idea of dating & relationships, only having a few relationships over 20 years. Even those were fraught with ambiguities and failures. For a long time I was complacent. Complacent that I'll just be single forever and of course being depressed inside the whole time.

Most important was to deal with the depression and root causes. A good counselor helped me with self-esteem issues carried from childhood. This goes with the saying "you cant love someone else until you love yourself". Eventually I found a place if inner happiness, and released things I was holding onto. I became a little more outgoing naturally (and as an introvert thats big!) and found myself laughing and smiling spontaneously again.

Being more fun to be around, I naturally engaged in conversations about dating with friends as happens sometimes when small groups of women gather. THIS is where I had to be conscious and put forth a little effort. My inclination in the past would be to get emabarrassed about the whole thing and avoid it at all costs. To return to the comfort zone of complacency. Instead I chose to share who I thought was cute, fun, had good energy, etc. Turns out 2 of the lady friends knew one of the guys I mentioned, and he had mentioned to them in the past that he thought I was interesting. Next thing you know we connected through social media, shared a few fun comments and made plans for our first date.

The second place I had to put forth effort was during and between dates one and two. One of my counselors used the phrase "dont put your cart before the horse". Meaning to enjoy whats in front of you but not get carried away in all the maybe's and whats ifs ESPECIALLY the negative ones but also the positive ones. The new-found exercises in self-esteem development were key here. I definitely like him a LOT. But I my life will not crumble if it doesnt click. Im happy with things as they are right now, single or not. So I choose to get to know this man and see if he's a good fit for me.

An above commenter stated a concern with the idea of presenting a good version of ourselves as being a problem. I WANT to be the type of person I am conveying to this man. Yet, I'm not reaching so far out I cant sustain it. I DON'T want to be someone who is full of doubt and negative self-talk. I WANT to be comfortable in my own skin, and share some of life's adventures with someone. It might be this guy and it might not... and that is all OK.

So far we have set a tone of being ourselves and being relaxed. And so far this is working. And even if it doesnt, it's OK because I KNOW in my soul that I am deserving of happiness and I am definitely on the right path. Time will tell if our paths join or not.

I wish you all the best in finding someone who shines for and around YOU. Because you deserve it.

Nice guidelines... ;)It would be better for second dates to add more fun and enjoy each other. No need for guys to impress her too much because the second date is the result of your first date. You already got her. :)

I strongly advise men to not put themselves in a situation conducive to only talking. This advice applies to the first 3 dates.

Women tend to be better at conversation and sniffing out red flags. She does not know you, and more importantly does not love you yet. A long dinner date usually results in you saying something wrong and turning her off.