It’s Panto time, it’s panto time the theatres are full
Of screaming kids and teachers, the school trip’s never dull
The stage is full of b-list actors who were in a soap
Except for the leading lady who, in truth, you’d like to grope.

Cinderella, cleaning kitchen, sweeping all the floors
Can’t get to the ball because her sisters are both boors
But Cinder’s fairy Godmother can make her dreams come true
With a carriage made of vegetable and a crystal shoe
The ugly sisters want to be a princess they’re in shock
“of course the shoe will fit me all I need’s a woolly sock
And Cinders ain’t her real name, it’s really Mary-Beth
And she can’t afford a crystal shoe she’s hooked on crystal Meth”

Red Riding Hood, she loves her granny, visits her each day
But a big bad wolf has spied her and decides he will waylay
Our gallant little heroine as she goes through the woods
Carrying her basket of fresh fruit and other goods
She reaches Granny’s cottage and she knows that something’s amiss
Her granny’s got her teeth back and no longer smells of piss
And that’s ok by Red cos she’s been wondering for a while
If maybe she and wolverine could try it doggy style

Peter Pan has lost his shadow, he is in a mess
And Captain Hook is after him cos he wants some redress
For having had his hand bit off he’ll go the extra mile
To murder Pete, the lost boys and that bastard crocodile
But, what’s this? Something’s stirring in the loins of all the Dads
Peter Pan has boobs, I swear he’s not a real lad
He doesn’t have a lunchbox and though I don’t want to brag
Peter Pan’s the only panto boy that I would shag

Yes, Christmas time is coming Mother Goose is getting fat
And Hansel fancies Gretel, there’s a law against all that
Whittington and cat are heading off to London Town
And Jack must fell the beanstalk or the giant will climb down
Snow White thinks 7 up a drink and then she meets the dwarves
The lights come on the curtain falls to thunderous applause
Yes, Panto season’s here and it is my job to remind you
Captain Hook, the witch, the Snow Queen and the giant are behind you.