Tuesday, November 09, 2004

McGriddles Anonymous

Craig The Mouse Killer called me this morning to inquire about the low-grade online intervention on this site in the wake of my admission about a McGriddle addiction relapse. Several of you have voiced concern over the fact that I am consuming them again and Craig The Mouse Killer thinks it’s time for me to come clean.

Well he can fuck the fuck off.

I don’t have a problem. I don’t. I admit that sometimes I drive-thru for a McGriddle or two, but I can stop whenever I want to. I only do it when I’ve had a really stressful morning or when I know I’ll have to talk to people and I need some kind of social lubricant. And, yeah, there have been a few occasions when I’ve had to call in sick because of a McGriddle bender, but everyone does that now and then, don’t they?

It’s not like I’m drinking Costco-sized jugs of Dewar’s for breakfast or snorting lines of blow off the naked belly of a hooker. According to the McDonald’s website, all I’m doing is indulging in 550 scrumptious calories (300 from fat), 21 mouth-watering grams of fat and 1270 delectable milligrams of sodium. Big deal. Like that’s any different from a steaming bowl of lard and a glass of Ovaltine. It’s all part of a nutritious breakfast, people. I do not. Have. A problem.

I’ll tell you who has a problem:

The guy I saw this morning who was had his long-sleeved shirt tucked under his gaudy gold watch has a problem.

The people who live in the red states have a problem.

The plastic surgeon who did this to Tara Reid’s boobies has a problem.

What do I have? I have a ravenous appetite, a mouse-murdering friend and a small army of controlling readers who have their panties in a bunch over my diet. My McBreakfast is my fucking McBusiness, ladies and gentlemen.

settle down there Bubba. i don't give a good gosh darn about your silly little addiction when i've got my own to worry about. eat all the mcgriddles ya like. i wouldn't eat them because i have a social conscience and would never support the fast food industry and it's inclination to ruin the world one fat little kid at a time...but i digress.

and never you mind that i had wendy's for dinner last night. who are you to judge me and my moral fibre! you are not a republican so morals are none of your concern.

Sorry, I've never had a McGriddle. But I would recommend a pile of the hash browns.We had a bowl of Milky Ways left over too (big Costco bag), but no one at my place wanted them so I brought them to work (gone in a flash) and had to buy two big bags of mini Snickers for home replacement. Chocolate Forever!!

Links

Other Humans Write

Here are actual questions you asked the presidential candidates when they appeared on your show. To Bush: 'Were y'all spankers?" To Kerry: "Did you ever spank the girls?" To Bush: "Did you spank them?" To Kerry: "What did she do to get spanked?" Hey, Dr. Phil, keep it in your pleated pants. [GQ Magazine, Dec. 2004, pg. 372]