Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Responsibility

Perhaps no issue is as confusing to Christian abuse survivors as trying to untangle who is responsible for what in an abusive environment.

If you ask an atheist who is at fault if a child is sexually molested by her father, without hesitation he answers that the father is guilty of a horrible crime against the child. But talk to a Christian survivor and she is often stuck in a maze of confusion. How can she still honor her father? How much of what happened is God's fault? Is it her fault, was God punishing her for some wrongdoing?

If a wife is abused by her husband. Many in our society automatically assume that the correct course of action is to divorce that "loser" as fast as possible. If you are a Christian, however, church people may give you the idea that it is your job to save the marriage, convert the husband into a true believer, and bear your "cross" with patience and goodwill. Christian abused wives struggle over how to submit properly, how to forgive divinely, how to protect God's reputation as a marriage-saver, and how to love well enough that their husbands won't feel like abusing any more.

If a Christian husband is abused by his wife, I think he probably goes through a lot of the same issues except instead of struggling with how to submit, they may be struggling with how to properly love that woman who is out to kill them (psychologically and/or physically).

How can Christians help one another through these intellectual and spiritual struggles? I would love to hear your thoughts in emails to me or as posts on the website. I have heard from a few women that their posts are not reaching me. If you have tried to post and never received a response from me then please use the email (TanyaTWarrington@gmail.com) to make comments, and specify if you would like me to post your comments on the site. I have posted all the comments that have shown up for moderation. I moderate the comments to keep the site safe for those who are in the process of recovering from abuse; I will not post any abusive comments (which has not happened yet).

The next few posts will explore answers to the questions of who is responsible for what in abuse and in recovery from abuse.

1 comment:

The April 30th post really hit close to my heart especially as the question about how Christians can help one another with the struggles of domestic violence and abuse was asked.

Speaking from my personal experience, the church I was in, and I emphasize WAS IN, provided no other resources further than maritial counseling. That church professed a very backwards "take-it-to-your-elder" style of problem solving which was ignorant of modern day professional training or counseling. The church members were not able to help. One could never have just called another church member to ask for help, as I know I could do now, in my church today.

We as Christians certainly need to reach out with "the love of Jesus Christ" and truly represent ourselves as his disciples when we have the opportunity to help console or help a person caught up in the darkness of family abuse or violence. Prayers work better when accompanied with action. I think that is why we need to support each other at home, at work and here too; for those who find healing by reading this blog. Reach out and tell one another that you care, that you will pray for them and that if they need to come over tonight to just sit and talk, to go ahead and call. They are that important to you; you are that important to them and ALL of us are that important to God.

Keeping the Faith: Questions and Answers for the Abused Woman by Marie M. Fortune

Perfect Daughters by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.

Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden

Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Slay Your Own Dragons by Nancy Good

The Cinderella Syndrome by Lee Ezell

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.

The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee

Turning Fear to Hope by Holly Wagner Green

When Violence Comes Home: Help for Victims of Spouse Abuse by Tim Jackson and Jeff Olson

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

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Welcome

Being abused by another hurts deeply and creates many challenges. But you don't have to settle for merely being a survivor. You can become an overcomer with dazzling wings.

You might feel worthless--but you are not. You are valuable to the creator of the universe. A new life of freedom, peace, and joy awaits. Facing abuse, ending it, and healing from it is a huge journey that leaves behind hopelessness, embracing new life.

Just like myself and other abuse survivors, you can unfurl dazzling wings with the help of Jesus Christ.

This journey is possible. I've done it and so have other formerly abused women and men who have shared their stories with me. Come join us on a life-giving journey of change.

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About Me

For thirty-five years, I felt worthless. It seemed like I wore a sign across my chest inviting others to abuse me.
Unfortunately, I had an abundance of personal experience with being a victim of domestic violence, incest, emotional abuse, physical abuse, date rape, verbal abuse, and spiritual abuse. And then I experienced being the mother and stepmother of children who were assaulted by a pedophile.I felt like a cursed woman.
Since multiple people felt comfortable assualting me and then my children I assumed that there was something wrong with me. I had let me myself down in some unknown, mysterious way.
What if God let me down, too?
One day, in desperation, I prayed asking God to end the abuse.
God heard. He rescued me. He continues to heal me. His kindness, grace, and mercy far exceed anything I could’ve imagined or hoped for.
He has given me dazzling wings to soar above the pain of past abuse, spreading His message of hope: God does not approve of violence in any of its manifestations. He rescues those who cry out to Him. He heals the wounded.

Disclaimer

I share my thoughts and feelings on this blog about a very sensitive and personal topic, but I need to remind readers that I am not a licensed counselor or a legal advisor. Please weigh everything I say with prayer. Feel empowered to take what you want and leave the rest.