LoserGrl ChroniclesThis blog chronicles my journey from the brink of darkness into the light. Join me as I try to turn loose the thin girl hiding inside myself. As I succeed and as I fail, it will all be posted here for the world to see what it's like to struggle with a weight problem and the process of trying to lose that weight.

Hi everyone! I have great news!! I am getting ready to move this blog over to my own server and a new blogging software. Keep you eye out here for the new address. I hope to have it posted and running by the end of the weekend.

I'm sitting here this morning thinking about my progress these past few weeks. I have done some incredible things, the most being that I am actually moving and earning APs. Last week I earned 15 for the entire week, and this week I've earned 10 in 3 days. Just by walking. Yesterday I walked more than I have in the 4 weeks I've been tracking my steps. I actually walked over 5 miles. My normal day (when working) had ranged between 2.5 - 3 miles and when walking for exercise I had managed to hit just a bit over 4. Yesterday I made it a priority to add extra walking time to my work day. Working with 1st graders really helps. I get to walk and pick up 3 classes from their specials and I get to spend recess out with at least one class a day. Our campus is very spread out, so I made sure to walk it as much as possible. I had one little girl walk with me during recess for 16 minutes and then after school I used the extra time I had, while waiting for my own children, to walk the entire campus for 20 minutes.

So I'm very proud of myself. I'm trying and that's important.

However...

Since I am a daily weigher I can see what the scale is doing. So this morning the scale has me baffled. I'm not upset, just wondering...

Last week I exercised, ate only 10 of my APs and stayed the same at weigh-in. Since weigh-in I have gained each day. I am now up 2.5 pounds for the week. I'm not really worried because I know I'm doing the right thing. I also know that I've been completely OP. I've actually been eating all of my fruits & veggies, drink my water and then some, eating my points and my APs and I've even had .5 of my flex points.

I think it will be very interesting to continue watching what my body is doing and how it's reacting to this increase in activity.

I won't be thrilled with a gain at weigh-in on Sunday, but I won't be upset with myself either if it happens. I'll just continue to watch my body and learn from it and pray. :-)

This morning I was on the WW boards, where I hang out quite a bit, and responded to a post from a poster that is getting discouraged because her losses are slow and she's getting frustrated. My post is something I need to remember as the going gets tough...and I know it's going to get tough... so I'm going to put it here for future reference :-)

Don't quit!!!! I have been where you are, only I have quit! Each time I've had to start over and re-lose much of the weight I had lost, just because I got discouraged because I was doing everything right and my losses had slowed. That's the game I've been playing for 4 and a half years now! It sucks! I wish I had just done it the first time and kept with the small losses or no losses...if I had I'd be at goal today!

DO NOT GIVE UP! DO NOT GIVE UP!

P.S. I've started exercising again (last week) and I stayed the same yesterday at weigh-in. My mind started playing the same game with me, but I am determined to keep at this rather than quit and have to start again. I'm fighting my own mind and it's not easy but I will NOT GIVE UP!

Good morning everyone! Today was my weigh-in for week 5 and the news isn't great, but isn't bad either.

I stayed the same :-(

This despite the fact that I didn't use any flex points at all and I earned 15 AP points and ate 10 of them.

My target is 30 and here's my weekly break down:

33 33 32 23.5
28
32 30

I think this is what freaks me out about exercising. Everytime I do it, my losses slow to a crawl. This has been the case over the last 4.5 years.

This week I walked a ton because my mother was here and she motivated me to do so. I am going to continue walking and have pulled out my old yoga and pilates equipment to compliment the walking, but I hope that the losses don't slow too much.

I'm terrified to eat too much food. I know I should eat my APs and mostly did, except for the day I earned 7... I only used 3 of them because I just wasn't hungry.

I'm afraid if I eat too much that I'll gain, I'm afraid if I eat too little I'll gain, I'm afraid truly because I can not control what causes me to lose. I can't just eat 30 points every day and lose 2 pounds a week. There are so many variables that are out of my control and that freak me out because I am an obsessive control freak. There is no magic in this and that scares me.

I've had pep talks with myself this week because I knew I wouldn't lose a lot due to my daily "check-ins" and I'm really ok with that because I know that I did really well and that getting that walking in is imperative to my future health and well being.

This is just such a long long journey that I don't like to take advantage of these rest stops along the way and want to keep moving and grooving rather than stopping to smell the roses (aka NSVs)

I'm now back from the airport and my mother is on her way home. I hate goodbyes. I'm having such a hard time with my self esteem these days that it's nice to have her here and to be encouraged by her support and the belief she has in me. She's skinny. I think the highest she's ever weighed is 150 pounds. Now she's about 125 and looks amazing. I am twice her size! So I watched her... she exercises every day, she eats small portions, she doesn't bulk eat like I do, she does what needs to be done to maintain the weight she wants to be. She's not deprived...she just does it.

Why can't I be like that???? I hate exercise. I am a bulk eater. I am fat. I just have so many issues. I really do not like myself, I really do not like my life. I am not happy. I am stressed, I am fat, I am not attractive, I am on a serious pity party. I am struggling so much. Not so much with my staying on plan, but more the fact that I'm as fat as I am and I don't have to be this big. I resent myself for letting me gain this weight back, I resent myself for not being at goal 4+ years after starting this journey. I resent myself for many of my shortcomings. I resent that it's going to take me a long time to get back to that 51 pounds gone status...and longer still to move on from there. I resent myself for not being willing to get excited over exercising...I just resent the hell out of myself.

I just want the pain to go away. I just want to do something...anything...right in my life.

I'm sad today. My mother's been here visiting this week and it's been wonderful. We've been apart for over 6 months and these 6 days have just been a treat, though they've flown by way too fast. Now I'm sitting here waiting to take her to the airport and I just want to cry. Yesterday was her last day and I woke up feeling icky and depressed and ended the day feeling icky and depressed and crying myself to sleep. I'm such a baby!!!!!

I am so lucky. My mother is my best friend and the one person in my life that I can be 100% myself with and know that she'll never turn away from me. I love her so much. I hate that we live so far from each other.