Pages

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Heaviness all around

I don't come here very often anymore…actually, I pretty much avoid this blog lately. Avoidance is my current key to survival. Much can be read into that…but I prefer not to at this point.

Anyway, I still feel though…of course. And this past week was one of heavier proportions. So, I felt compelled to write it out, so that maybe some of the heaviness could be unloaded.

I have felt emotionally affected and burdened by all of the horror that seems to progressively multiply around us. Doesn't it feel thicker and heavier and more abundant these days? Like the horrible tragic things that happen in this world are hitting closer and closer to home? Well, for me it's already hit "home"…so maybe I'm more aware of tragedy and doom. I don't know. Anyway, I just couldn't stop the tears this week….and for me, you know that is unusual. I cried at least once every day this week….when I will usually go weeks or months without tears. (I'm so weird).

~The murder of the toddler and slashing of her teen sister by their mother, in the Cannon Beach hotel…..the town where my marriage was born….where Vienne was born and spent half her life….the hotel where we held our wedding reception.

~The missing mom in Newberg whose body was finally discovered and revealed evidence of suicide. This one hit very close to me. It really felt like a blow to my stomach. I battle with icky thoughts of not wanting to live this life…..every. single. day. And, then to actually watch a story of a local mom who followed through with those horrible haunting thoughts, most likely because her life was too hard….was very real to me. (please know, I do not conjure up thoughts of my own suicide….I don't think about ending my life….I just think about how I don't want to live this life. There is a difference. I wouldn't be the one to take my life. I couldn't. But sometimes I surely wish it would end.)

~The missing little girl in Washington whose body was found this week.

~The genocide in Iraq….the beheading of the children….the fleeing of the Christians and their consequential starvation and deaths in the surrounding hills. Horror. Unimaginable horror….horror beyond what I have even known.

~A friend's father whose fight with cancer is not looking good.

~Another friend's newborn baby Girl suffering from seizures and spending time in the hospital undergoing tests…when she should be home nursing and sleeping and acclimating to life outside of her mommy's tummy.

Enough already. And this was all just in the past few weeks (that I found out about).

Then yesterday. Yesterday, I knew I was emotional so sometimes when I'm in that place, I decide to just delve further into it, rather than try to run from it (since I spend most of my time in avoidance). So, I decided it might be a good day to take Ivy to one of Vienne's favorite places (click this link to read further on that)….a place we have yet to return to since the summer that Vienne was last with us. The Smith Berry Barn in Scholls. We have so many memories of just going there to hang out in the grass and feed the goats…..pick berries…purchase local honey. It is one place I have avoided….kept sacred, maybe. So, I took Ivy there yesterday morning. We picked blackberries and raspberries. She's such a good little companion….patiently standing in the aisle, next to me, as I would hand her a few berries at a time. She would inspect them for any red spots (on the blackberries). As we were chatting and filling our bucket we heard a LOUD "BOOM-CRASH"….almost sounded like a gun went off. Everyone in the field gasped and froze. We were next to a side road. A car accident had occurred….it looked like a head-on collision. A man burst out of one vehicle and ran around and shouted at everyone in the field to call 911. My eyes welled with tears as I reached for my phone with trembling fingers….and….I froze. I couldn't do it. The last time I dialed 911 was for my Vienne. It was a serious post traumatic stress moment. Thankfully another man in the field had a phone and made the call. Then suddenly a dog erupted from one of the vehicles and bolted down the road….straight to the busy traffic street up ahead. We all, in the field, started screaming….screaming at the dog and then at the people to try and alert their attention. That's when I lost it. I stood there screaming and just seeing in my mind's eye, this dog running straight at an oncoming car and getting killed. I just started crying. It was too much. All just too too much.

Thankfully, the dog veered from traffic…though it ran far down the road and I am not sure if he was found. A fire truck and paramedics arrived. Even though we spent the rest of the time distracting ourselves with the goats and chickens, our time there was overshadowed by this sad event….with the flashing lights of the trucks and loud blaring of the sirens. What a way to return to a special memorable spot…..on this week of heaviness. Of all things. Of all times.

19 comments:

why did that happen that day???/ Darn darn darn.....I am so sorry. Maybe it was a way to help you deal with thinking about calling 911, and hearing sirens, but this time while in a very beautiful spot with your beautiful Ivy...I dont know the reason, but I commend you for going there and jumping over that stepping stone. Love you lots

We live here in Oregon also and I too spent most of last week, watching the first news stories that you mentioned and wondered 'what is going on in this world?' So much tragedy and so close to home, it was overwhelming to me also and I found myself feeling depressed and discouraged. I am really sorry that your first day back to visit your beautiful spot had to have such a tragic event to mar it for you. Your little Ivy is such a beautiful, cheerful girl. A special blessing indeed.

Wow, I really have nothing of much value to say other than I am so sorry:( Sorry that you have to go through this and sorry that your sweet Vienne was called away at such a young age. Ivy is so beautiful, just like her Angel sister! Prayers for you sweet mama...hang in there.

How lovely to see you writing in this space again, but as always your words come at a "heavy" cost to you and to us. To have such events unfold as you are trying to face your fears was incredibly unfair. I imagine you were already feeling the weight of memories on your heart, as would I. The news lately has been something I have been avoiding (I ignore the folks who think I should be staying connected!). I think sometimes our own personal stories in this world are enough to bare, and taking in the worlds tragedies is just too much for one woman to handle. A woman trying to raise her children, and stay focused on keeping them as safe as possible. Lord knows I don't need to be any more jumpy than I already am. I commend you for taking the step towards making new memories for Ivy, the pictures of her holding her darling little pail are precious. Please do not let this detour you from taking more steps, what happened to you recently was a fluke (and a test!). On a larger scale you have dealt with much bigger things, situations some of us would never be able to handle. You came home safe with your girl in your arms. You had a successful day.... and you are loved by me.

You are right, Haylee. And, I actually do normally avoid the news….but that blasted Facebook is now a conduit for all news - good or bad. I'm not a huge "face booker" but when I do check, there is no avoiding bad news anymore. Oh well.

Praying for you tonight, Jenny. So glad you could share your sacred space with sweet Ivy. I hope and pray you'll be able to return there despite yesterday's events. Thanks for writing and sharing your heavy heart. -Anne

Sweet Lovely Jenny, I am so sorry you have to face all these new things with uncertainty. you're so amazing and wonderful...truly. I kept thinking about you and all the events that have been going on. Ivy is SO precious! Always here for you. Love you, Andrea

I have been "hoping" to see you back on here. There are so many raw emotions on this little blog of yours, if I were you I wouldn't want to come back to it either. This story gave me chills. We are frequent visitors to the farm. My kids and I love to just be still, walk the rows of berries with bare feet and chill in the grass to watch the chickens. For you to finally go back and have something this dramatic happen totally sucks (sorry, no other way to put it without cursing). What the heck! I hope you were able to get some much needed tears out and then breath after. There is so many messed things happening right now to children. I spent the afternoon crying the other day. Why the innocent!?? Sorry, this is probably not helping. Your Ivy is stunning and I can feel her peace just as I did looking at pictures of Vienne. Is there anything you need for next month? Anything that I can do for you?

I heard the sirens that day too, and watched as truck after truck and police car and ambulance flew by. With each one that rushes past, my heart always sinks lower and my mind turns to dark places. What a volatile world. It just doesn't seem right that our lives can change so drastically, so suddenly. No explanation, no warning. It is jarring, to say the least. I am sorry your brave expedition was overshadowed. I wish it hadn't been that way. I wish for so many things to be different, but I am proud of you for stepping out, for being courageous. love you.

My dear girl. I had been checking this blog daily for so long and then have not recently. I did not see this until today...9 days after the post. I am so sorry for the events that surrounded your time at the Berry Barn. How very awful. It had to frighten sweet Ivy, too. I have wanted to go there with you and Ivy...but would not suggest it, knowing you needed to do so in your own time. I am glad you did and hope you will continue to build on the already many, many precious memories you have there...and not allow this event to mar that. I think of that intersection right there...people pulling out from the road and from the South Store...it's quite a volatile intersection. The pictures of Ivy are absolutely precious, tho.And oh honey...yes. I know. The woes of this world are so overwhelming. It does seem as if they are increasing and increasing. How we long for our eternal home...where there will be no more pain, illness, fears or tears of sorrow....where we will reunite with those that have gone before us...with our sweet Vienne. I am so sorry for your present heaviness, but not surprised as we loom closer to the 2 year mark since Vienne went to Heaven. It is hard to endure "time" marching by. It "feels" like it is taking us further from her, it surely does...but I hold on to believing that it is actually bringing us closer to her.I love you so tremendously. You know that. How I wish I could ease your pain. Now go kick some ass at kickboxing. ;o)

Hi Jenny,I'm so sorry for your pain. I don't know you in person but I came across this blog 'accidently' and I keep coming back to it, like I'm drawn to you or something. I've been thinking about you a lot and would like to send you a private email if it's possible.Love, B

I'm so sorry I am just now seeing this post. Like everyone else, I look on here often but had not been as diligent this past month. I cannot believe this happened when you were there! It is all so frustrating and maddening! I agree.... I always avoid the news but lately it's posted all over FB so I can't escape it. Even tonight I just read about the girl in Lincoln City and was crying over that horrific tragedy. Plus another friends' horrible situation this past week. I find myself asking God more and more.... WHY?? Vienne's passing will always be my biggest "why" to our Father. I love you.

Search This Blog

About This Blog

My name is Jenny. I am a stay at home mom, with two beautiful little girls - one on this earth, and one now in Heaven. This blog was once started in 2011, as a place to quickly jot down my precious oldest daughter's darling anecdotes and random events...intended as a gift to her, in her later years. Much to our devastation and dismay, our beautiful Vienne Juliet abruptly and shocklingly passed away on September 6, 2012 from Myocarditis at the age of 4 1/2. This blog, now, is a place to share memories of her and share who she was. It has also become my personal grieving journal as we traverse through this new life without her. We will never recover from this horrific loss, but we hope to keep her alive in our hearts through this blog and other avenues. We just want people to know her...to know how extraordinarily incredible she was. May she touch your heart, as she did everyone around her.