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GLENNON
DOYLE

Pe-TISH-ion

May 16, 2016

Two nights ago, my ten-year-old daughter, Tish, who is a younger version of me (in every wonderful, terrifying way) sat on my bed and said with a shaky voice, “Mama, the other girls are all skinny. Why am I different?”

I stared at her and silently lost my mind. Ten is when I noticed my differentness, too. Ten is when I decided there was something wrong with me and became bulimic. My life became a total shit storm for the next twenty years. And as I sat on that bed with my baby, I swear to you I became ten again. It all rushed back and I froze. I just froze. I could not think of one helpful word to say. Even though it is my entire job to think of something helpful to say.

I kept repeating this in my head: This can’t be happening. No, no, no. NO. NoNONONO.

I tried to use my secret life strategy, which is to treat every conflict like I’m at an improv. Instead of resisting other people or ideas or problems, instead of no no no no I say: YES. And….. But that didn’t work. Nothing but frozen silence from me.

Craig was by the door and he said, “G, can I talk to you for a second?”

I looked at Tish and said, “Hold on, baby.” Craig and I went into the bathroom.

I looked at him and said some bad words. Then I said, “I can’t do this. I AM this. How do I help her from becoming this when I AM THIS?”

Craig said, “No. You can’t freak out right now. I know this is intense for you — but she needs you. You were made for this. Just tell her the truth. Can you do this?”

And I said, “Yes. Fine. Okay.” So I went back out and Tish and I sat on my bed for two hours and talked about everything. We talked about all the messages girls get about staying small and quiet and competitive and how that’s all horseshit meant to keep girls weak and separate from each other, so we can’t join forces and lead. We talked about how hard and wonderful it is to have a body, and we talked about what, exactly, bodies are for. I did my best. The truth is – I’m still learning what it means to be a woman and how to live comfortably inside my body. Ten to forty has gone by pretty fast.

Then last night, Tish and I went to a bookstore. On our way out, Tish stopped in front of the magazine rack. She stood in front of a rack made up of seven covers — covers that all displayed pictures of women, each blonder and more emaciated than the last, each angrier and more objectified than the one before. These magazine covers held up a certain type of pretend woman for all to see as the pinnacle of female achievement. Tish stared. My insides caught fire. I thought about calling her away but then decided: no. I won’t leave her to figure this out alone. We’ll wade into this together.

So I walked over and said, “Confusing isn’t it? What do you think they’re trying to tell you about what it means to be a successful woman? Do you believe them?”

We talked for a while.

Then I picked up a magazine and we looked at it together. I said, “Tish, what do you think women’s bodies are for?”

And she said, “Writing, running, hugging.”

And I said: “Are women’s bodies for selling thing?”

She said no.

And I said, “That’s why this feels bad to you. Because this is a lie. There’s nothing wrong with you, baby. There’s something wrong with THIS.”

She nodded.

And when we got home Tish went to her room and the next thing I heard from her was: “MOM! HOW DO YOU SPELL PETITION?” And an hour later she brought me this.

And I cried and cheered and then we all signed it and I wrote HELL YEAH but my son changed it to HECK YEAH because honestly my kids are a little judgey.

BUT, LOOK. That’s the shift, right? When I was little — I looked at the one size fits none standard of beauty and thought: “Damn. There’s something wrong with me.” And Tish will look at the same crap and say: ” Damn. There’s something wrong with THAT.”

And she’ll likely get a little pissed. And that’s what I want. I want girls who are angry instead of sick.

Awake girls might be a little angry. But they know that the poison is outside, not inside. And they’ll work to clear the air for all of us.

I’m pretty sure there isn’t a day that Glennon doesn’t wonder what flaw she put on her children – I think most type A mothers do that, myself included. Whether we do or don’t, the world will find ways to beat self-esteem out of girls. Society plasters the definition of beauty everywhere, and girls talk at school..a lot…and we’re not there. Thankfully, Tish has a mom that will help her face that unfortunate injustice head on, and learn how to address it independently. I’m taking notes.

Oh Ilsya your comment just broke my heart. I know I worry about passing on my flaws to my daughter. Glennon is being brave in facing it head on and teaching her daughter a better way. May we all experience grace as we walk through life and love and raise our children.

This. So much this. Raising a teenage daughter to love her body when I’m in my 30’s and struggling to love my own is hard, but we talk about it. I realize it’s up to me to set the standard and not some magazine. I can’t look at the pooch on my belly and feel disgusted with it, because she is watching and waiting to see what I do next. I can’t eat a cookie and make a disgusted face when I realize what I’ve done. We have to set the standard as strong women and mothers and stop hating ourselves.

Madonna Badger is running a campaign to stop using women inappropriately in ads. She was the mom who lost her children in a house fire in CT on Christmas Eve. This is one of the things that has given her purpose. Work and write with her on this issue. She’s making a name for this type of work in the ad industry.

I found this inspiring. That we can show up for our young ones and get them to see the world for the way it is and not how it is being portrayed. Thank you so much for sharing this. You made my day with this. I’m encouraged. There is hope for humanity. There is hope for our generations yet unborn.

This is why we get New Moon Girls​ magazine. They do everything Tish desires. They show girls who are strong, kind, brave, thoughtful, unique and show women and girls of all different types of hair and bodies. A team of girls edits the magazine.

Beauty begins in the heart. From about the end of the first decade of my life, when I looked in the mirror, I mostly saw ugly. As I began to age, and after carrying 8 babies to term, there was cause for additional alarm. I knew it had to be on the inside somehow and I used Anorexia as an example of how a person could look at themselves, while extremely thin, and still see fat. I knew that I must not be ugly, but what could I do? How could I fix what must be broken? The answer was, I can’t. But God can.

I began to ask God for healing. God answered that prayer and through the Unbound deliverance ministry’s love and prayers, I was healed of the deep seated lies that I had embraced not only about myself throughout the years, but about God too. It’s not over yet. Deliverance and prayer ministries are available almost anywhere if sough out.

I look in the mirror now and see something totally different. For the first time in almost 40 years, I feel beautiful! Our beauty really is skin deep. The sagging jowl, wrinkles, brown spots and pock marks are all still there though, but it’s really okay.

On a funny note, filled with a newly found joy, I was applying cream to my face when I exclaimed, “I look ten years younger!” One of my 6-yr old twin boys replied with a slight shaking of his head and said, “Actually, Mom, you look ten years older.” Lol! I took it very well. Praise God.

We must teach our girls how to use spiritual warfare in order to combat the lies of the enemy. I now use the weapons that I have had all along by the graces of my baptism and this is what I do when those lies creep in.

I say out loud, preferably when I’m alone, of course, but not limited to teaching my children when necessary,

“In Jesus’ name, I renounce the lie that I am ugly.” Repeat if necessary. Or, “In Jesus’ name, I renounce the spirit of envy or comparison.” whatever it is that you are feeling. You may take it a step further, and add, “And by the power of God, I command the spirit or lie of __________ to leave NOW!

It works. It’s ours for the using.

Caveat: Repentance and forgiveness are two very important virtues that should be regularly exercised. And filling up with the father’s blessing afterward with scripture, prayer, sacraments if available, etc. is essential. If we want to rid ourselves of those spirits, we must fill the now “swept clean” heart with the Father’s blessing.

Where have I been all this time? The world has been singing your praises and I’ve been silently missing out. But I will miss no more. I am voraciously pursuing your writing at a fiendish pace. Not in a weird way. Just, you know, just in the writer-to-writer addicted-to-words kind of way.

Please tell Tish to start that very magazine. The Brave Girls one. I want to read it. And be in it. 🙂

It’s very hard for me to relate. Not to the message, but to you as the message-bearer. I do believe you, Glennon. I hear sincerity and good-heartedness in your words, which is a constant with you. And your words are clearly needed and appreciated, and your daughter’s response is wonderful.

But still, the intentionally constructed prettiness gets in the way. The drawing of an arbitrary line – “this is bad, this is okay”, when they are ultimately different facets of the same thing – gets in the way. Are you not using your own magazine-worthy presentation as currency?

I have to wonder where that leaves the vast majority of women who are rather more plain, either by nature or choice. Continuing to have to negotiate our value to ourselves and the world in a different way, I suppose, while being told by beautiful women that we are fine just the way we are, even as they demonstrate a need to prettify themselves even beyond their already exalted position. It doesn’t feel like we’re in this together. The cognitive dissonance, despite it being so well said, will be exactly why I won’t be sharing this particular form of the message with my own daughters.

I completely agree with you that the message is hollow when someone who seems to thrive under the conventional standards of beauty tells you to buck those conventional standards. Yet, I’m not sure that Glennon (if you were implying it is she) is part of the crowd that “demonstrate[s] a need to prettify themselves even beyond their already exalted position.” In fact, though I disagree with some of Glennon’s view points, what keeps me coming back here is her obvious readiness *not* to look “magazine-worthy.” I don’t quite have the time to link, but if you go back through her archives she has posted many a photo of her looking decidedly not magazine-worthy and, in one noteworthy post, talked about how she prettified herself for a television appearance, then caught herself and undid the prettiness (so to speak).

Objectification and idolization of beauty is a tough problem, and I suspect you don’t mean conventionally pretty women should stop brushing their hair or putting on makeup or wearing nice clothes. I’m not sure what the solution is, but I am hopeful we can figure out a way how all women can feel like “we’re in this together” no matter what the world– or beautiful women — tell us.

It is SO hard. It is not just us judging us. It is the whole rest of the world. You get treated differently in nearly EVERY facet of you life based on your looks. That is the very sad truth. I am outgoing, well groomed and very in shape, but still a little pear shaped and have a merely “OK” face. A close friend of mine is thin and much prettier. Every time we show up at a club or join a team together or anything, she gets so much more attention, so many more date offers, and generally people are kinder to her and more interested in her. I believe us to be equally caring, friendly, and interesting people, the difference is our looks. We recently applied for waitressing positions together – neither of us with any experience. She got the job, and regularly gets over $25 per hour with tips. I did not get the job (the restaurant chooses only very attractive people to work there) and I make $10 an hour in retail. We both stand on our feet for long periods and deal with demanding customers, but I have to work more than twice as many hours to make the money she does, and will consequently need more student loans than she does. The “penalties” for not being beautiful are constant and affect SO MUCH of life. I try not to dwell on it but it is so very very painful sometimes to think about……

Dear Canuck, your comment really moved me. This must be difficult for you, wanting to be happy for your friend, and yet feeling this difference in the way you’re treated. My only piece of advice is keep on being beautiful inside. Grow even more beautiful inside, because God and his universe do notice, and respond. And the rewards do come. And in my experience it’s only man who selects based on the outside. God often picks the overlooked or unnoticed, because he notices the inside, and those who remain humble despite negative experiences, and really glorifies them before shallow people. This does not mean you can’t speak up on these issues, though, just never allow it to let you get bitter and jealous and hateful on the inside. Stay beautiful.

Yours will come in due time. See 1 Samuel 16:7 in the Bible. Whether you’re a Christian or not. I’m sure this story about David, who was underestimated quite a few times before he came King will move you.

I love everything about this! Seriously, is there a way to make this pe-tish-ion something we can all sign? The message needs to get out there, that we are not all meant to be a certain size and look. Personally, I can ignore the magazines, even thinking about how ridiculous they are with their photoshopped covers. But, my 11-year-old son is now looking and asking questions. I want to make sure that he grows up with a healthy perspective on women, both for his future wife and possible daughters.
And, although I can ignore the magazines, I find that shopping for clothes is hell. I am 5’10” and 215 pounds. (Yes, I do need to lose a little weight for health reasons, and I am working on it. PCOS and Hashimoto’s Disease are beasts.) Anyhow, shopping for clothes is the worst. There’s nothing like trying on all XL bathing suits and having none of them fit. Stores don’t carry larger, and even ones with the same sizes don’t fit the same. Some go on okay and then are too immodest. (Style this year wants to show off cleavage. Last I checked, I don’t need a v-neck down to my belly.) Others won’t even go past my shoulders as I try to put on the tops. It’s ridiculous. Men’s clothing goes by measurements. Why don’t they do this for women?

This is so sad. But until women STOP doing the selling by letting their bodies be used for advertising – then things will never change. Until women say NO – the money paid for using my body is NOT worth it, things will never change. Until women stop using makeup, submitting to knowingly unworthy men, keeping silent instead of speaking up, condoning with their silence the evil of pornography, only then will things change. Until women STOP admiring other women for ONLY the physical – things will never change. Only when women stand up and shout “I will NOT be used!!” – only then will things change.

Wow. This is so incredibly spot on. I remember when I was exactly the same age, 10 years old, having a similar conversation with my mom. I don’t remember where I got the idea that I had to be skinny, if it was from TV, magazines, or school. But I remember I was in her bed one morning and she was scratching my back and reading to me. And I don’t know why but I said to her “I’m fat”. I wasn’t overweight but I was definitely bigger than most girls in my class and started developing early. She had this whole conversation with me about what real beauty is and responded in a similar way you did with your daughter. I remember this interaction so so so well unfortunately by high school I did develop an eating disorder. I have been in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction and eating disorder (bulimia and anorexia at different times), for five years.

I look at some women I know and see them obsess about body image and feel really helpless in the face of this type of advertising. Whenever I hear this helplessness I get so angry! We are not helpless we have the option of how to react to this total BS. There are a few things I have done that have really helped me in my own recovery, the first and most important being meditation. But there are other small things too. I don’t buy those magazines or look at them. I don’t “online window shop”, because just looking at the clothes and these skinny women makes me feel worse about myself. There are so many actionable things we can do to teach young women not to fall into this trap. I am so happy to read a blog about the beautiful work you are already doing with your daughter.

Glennon, this is one of those times where your family WON at life. What a wonderful post, and thank you for sharing this moment and message with all of us! I, too, would like to sign the Pe-Tish-On. Reading this, I was ten again, too – and within the four minutes it took me to get to the end of the post, I’d evolved. THANK YOU!

We talk openly in my house too. Compulsion is a habit that the girls’ father and I make sure to address. We talk positive. We eat well. We treat our minds bodies and souls well. But honesty is the best for my daughters, at an age appropriate level. I am grateful for this blog. All women are amazing, but honestly if we think about it, so many men aren’t allowed to be emotional because it’s considered weak. I think that if we all take a breath and realize just one little change toward who we are, and not who we are supposed to be too can be helpful to our children. Thank you for sharing this post, as my 10 year old daughter told me last night, as she was dressed up as a mermaid. “Mermaids are real, because I believe in them.” I’d dare anyone to tell her differently. …. She’ll tell you, what is real, is what you believe in. This is all over the place, but I’m not much a commenter… so thanks for the post.

Can I say? Cheers, MANY MANY cheers, to Craig for helping you open yourself up away from fear. I get all stuck and jammed up and my husband has this amazing way of being there for me. It is SO HARD and often unrewarded.

So, with all the other accolades for Tish and Glennon, I say HUZZAH for Craig.

This happened to me this morning. With my THREE YEAR OLD. It wasn’t quite to the same intensity, because she is only three after all, but it was there. She had gotten into my makeup in the bathroom and the blush remnants were left all over the counter (and toilet, and floor). I asked her if she had been playing with my makeup, and she started crying and told me that she “wanted to put on some makeup because [she] wanted to be beautiful.” I didn’t have any good answer for that, other than to feel like a massive failure as a mom. How can my 3 year old already feel like she isn’t enough, and how do I fix that? This parenting shit is hard.

Yes, but please keep in mind if you have one of those “perfect” bodies, you can be subjected to unspeakable jealousy and nastiness from other women and your “friends”. I am 5 feet, 5 inches tall and weigh 90 pounds. I have a 20 inch waist, and I am tiny. I do not starve myself; I eat well, I exercise, and I have a healthier nutritional intake than any of the women with whom I spend time. Being small is not a crime. Being a size double zero and still having to have your clothes taken in should not be a reason for women to hate you. If you are for women, you are for all women. Even the ones who look like the magazine covers.

Agreed, good point. I’m having a little trouble imagining it though, because I’m just over 5’5″ and I’m a slender 125 pounds. I’m trying to imagine how a body could be my height and 35 pounds less and still be healthy… But I’ll take your word for it that you are healthy. There are all kinds of bodies, and you know yours best!

Thanks, Catherine! I’ve given up on trying to defend my size. My friends go on crash diets, drink Diet Cokes, and then gorge themselves after starvation diets and criticize me for being too skinny. I simply eat healthy fats, drink whole milk and water, take my vitamins, eat lots of whole grains, fruits, and vegetables, and if I feel like eating lots of cake or having a big dessert when the appetite for those foods kicks in, I do! (And I do realize that my BMI is considered too low, but everything checks out fine otherwise when I see my doctors….you’re so right; there are ALL kinds of bodies.)

I wish with all my heart I had a mom like you Glennon. Only my Grandma accepted me for who I am. Most of my family heaped on the way I looked and weighed.

It took me a long time but I’m mostly ok with myself (I have my bad days due to my chronic illnesses).

My kids and husband support me, and my kids accept themselves. I understand your freaking out though. My daughter battled depression last year and I was SO EFFING SCARED.

But we can use our battles to help our kids get thru them–even if, and that’s a big if, they suffer as much as we did. Having your parents on your side is a powerful weapon. I think our girls are going to be strong and are awesome.

I always remind my daughter that people’s bodies come in all shapes and sizes and that the most important thing is to stay healthy and to take good care of our bodies by eating (mostly) healthy foods and being active.

It’s also incredibly important to remember how amazing our bodies are and convey this to our kids. Especially during the preteen and teenage years when growth spurts are happening, and their bodies store extra weight (energy) so it can then use it to fuel a growth spurt. How cool is that!?

It’s a totally normal process and we should help kids understand why it’s happening (and why it’s totally normal to sometimes be ravenously hungry when they are about to grow or get their periods) and why they may round out and then lean out over several times over the course of their growing years.

This is a really weird coincidence (by which, I mean, message from the universe, of course). I just finished reading the portion of “Daring Greatly” -Brene Brown about parenting and vulnerability. She tells the story about her daughter on the swim team and letting her make her own choice to be brave, even though she herself is terrified and would choose not showing up if the choice was up to her.
It is the hardest part of the hardest thing ever (parenting), letting our babies go and make their own mistakes and not swooping in and keeping the pain away from them (and ourselves).
You did it though, G! You let your mini-me make her own choice, experience her own struggle, even though it was hard for her and hard for you . Just look at what it got you!!

As I read your post I realized that the REbeL organization embodies the very things you describe, self-acceptance, loving yourself for EXACTLY who you are, rebelling against what society and social media tell us we “should” be. Dr. Laura Eickman specializes in working with those struggling with body image and eating disorders. It was through her work and frustration that she decided there must be a way to reach these kids before they become fully enveloped in this struggle. With determination and countless hours, she created REbeL, which is a peer education group set in middle schools and high schools with the intent on educating them about self-acceptance. Through this peer lead group, the students challenge each other when they hear friends using “fat talk” or “fat shaming”, instead offer compliments to one another and words of encouragement. I don’t know if there is anything like this program where you live, but if there isn’t check out their website to see if there is a way to bring it to your daughter’s school (re-bel.org or their Facebook page “rebel peer education”). One of the benefits of this group is watching the kids take their power back by creating something different.

I really loved this, because it shows all of you together making a difference. Dad as well as Mom making a difference, and a better world, by whatever degree.

Then I ask myself, why don’t more people point out the lie of the hopeless ideal? Keep on. One day, more folks will really hear this, and who knows? It may just change the world. No, it WILL change the world.

I have never left a comment & I don’t know if you could ever even find the time to read them, but I think this is so important that I thought I’d give it a shot..

Glennon Doyle Melton,
YOU are a life changer & saver. And your profound words today are life changing & saving.

Is there any way that we all could “sign” the pe-tish-on too?? Wouldn’t it be incredible to see how many people agree with Tish’s profound & wise statements…. I bet the list of people would have no end.

As another, recovering 10 year old girl who turned to controlling food as a means to control the uncomfortable, confusing, and shameful feelings about being “bigger” than all the other girls, I can say these are life changing statements your daughter has made & as many people as possible need to hear them. After 25 years of recovery and continued struggle, I needed to hear them today! Your influence on love, connectedness, and understanding of ourselves & others has no end.

My 34 yr old daughter asked me how her Dad and I gave she and her sister the confidence to ignore what you are describing and feel good about themselves. At 11 years old she had braces, glasses and any hint of developing was years down the road. The thing she had in her favor is a Dad who she knew adored her. He kept she and her sister constantly in the backyard building forts, learning sports, being kids. Surrounded them with their buddies who he also taught and challenged. He showed them respect for their bodies because of what they could do, not how they looked. He did not let up when they started to develop. Their friends adored him and a few even said they looked for a husband like him. The power of a “hands on” Dad is underestimated in lives of daughters in my opinion.

Katherine, this is exactly what so, so many have missed sadly. The lack of an emotionally, physically and spiritually present father is one of the most detrimental things that a child can suffer. If our image is rooted in the love of God the father and we do not have the next best example in an earthly father, how will we know who we are and of what value? It becomes a vacuum to be filled with the world’s examples and the world is very confused it seems.

I, too, am in recovery from an eating disorder. I don’t have kids yet but I fear this day with a future daughter. My one tidbit of advice, having been through this : subscribe that girl to New Moon Magazine, especially for their 25 Beautiful Girls issue (an annual tradition). It is just the best. I still reread old issue when I need to remember what I, as a girl/woman, am for.

I have struggled with my body my entire life, BUT i am extremely careful TO NEVER say anything negative in front of my 6 year old daughter. However she ALREADY says her beautiful little legs ARE FAT! This tears me up inside…and seeing this is EXACTLY what i needed. Thank you!

I just wish I could start over with our 16-year-old niece we’re raising. She is gorgeously curvy and constantly worried about being fat. We talk and listen and talk some more, but her family history and the culture around her give her opposite messages. So frustrating. I’m going to show her this post. Thank you for your courage and humor. We need all the help we can get!

I am hopelessly ignorant about these things but aren’t there platforms where one can put a petition online for the public to sign? Because THIS can help so many…young and old. Bless you both and all of your family.

THANK YOU TISH!!! I’ve had my 7.5 year old point out that her stomach isn’t as small as other kids stomachs… I’m 34 and I ask these same questions. There are days where I wish I was just more comfortable with who I am. I’m a teacher and I tell the young women that I work with that we have to BUILD EACH OTHER UP! Women shouldn’t be in the business of tearing each other down or making each other feel less about ourselves. We have enough poison in our world doing that for us. Thank you Tish, for taking the time to think about how we should be treating each other and loving each other as human beings!!

I’m the mom of a 10 year old pediatric eating disorders patient. <3 Thank you for everything you do. <3

We have these conversations regularly. My daughter's eating disorder had different roots than what's described here, but these roots still grew up into thorns that tangled with her already disordered thinking about food.

“I can’t do this. I AM THIS” The hardest parenting moments are when you see your crap coming up in your precious child. It’s so hard. You went through your struggles and you KNOW what to say. Obviously you said the right things because she’s looking at things in a much different way then we do when we are left to our own devices. [email protected]@@@!!!

I wanted boys. I wanted only boys, just boys. Boys. Twin boys! But boys. Why? Because being a girl is so hard. Becoming a woman is so effing hard. And so of course, I had a girl. She is beautiful and perfect with this halo of strawberry blonde hair, an infectious smile and the most ridiculous sense of humor. She can read! She is learning the periodic table of elements, she has opinions about everything. And she is not even 4 years old yet. I am so dazzled by her, but I am terrified for her. I was her once: all beauty and brilliance, and then I figured out that I wasn’t ever going to be a magazine cover girl, and I started hearing words like “fat” and “diet” and “not good enough”. I am doing my best to keep those words out of my vocabulary for her sake. I don’t want her to grow up as broken as I was, as broken as I am trying really hard not to be. Thank you for this. You’re doing a good job.

Thank you for sharing. My daughter, at age 12, is 5′-10″ (Daddy is 6’6″, me 5’6″). She’s beautiful, inside and outside, as a human being. But she too, has made a statement that she thinks her thighs are fat. THEY ARE NOT!!!! I will be sharing this with her this week so we can have an open dialogue.

This is amazing. I have a gorgeous, healthy 12 year old daughter who recently cried about her hips. We talked about how all bodies are different and how strong and beautiful and kind she is. Tonight she asked why skinny is considered good — how did that happen, who made that happen?

How do we harness this clarity and strength? How do we get girls having honest conversations about their bodies and what they are feeling?

Thanks for posting this. I happen to come across it while checking out what The Compassion Collective is all about. What remarkable courage on your part as a parent to go through this and make a difference in your child’s life … and now in a world of people out there you don’t even know. Heck Yeah! – Bella

Yes. Thank you, Glennon and Tish, for courageously speaking truth, and helping give those of us who may not know how to talk about this issue with kids, a great place to start. Add my name to the list!

On the topic of alternatives to mainstream media portrayal of women – does anyone have experience with Darling Magazine? I learned about it only a couple of days ago as an alternative to mainstream magazines. They appear to believe in portraying women as they are and discussing more-than-surface-level issues, but I haven’t yet been able to read it to see how I’d feel about holding it up as good example.

I love the petition! And the picture of you taking a deep breath, going back in to the scary place, and giving the gift of time and vulnerability to your daughter (a two-hour talk takes a lot of commitment!) is beautiful. I’d like to add one tiny gentle additional thought that has come up as I’ve worked through this for myself and my now-grown daughters. I don’t want my daughters to believe that all of the lies and shaming and brokenness and pressure to meet a ridiculous standard come from outside. Yes, women and girls are victims of a society that gives harmful illegitimate messages about their identity and worth, and those messages must be drowned out and, please God, silenced. But the destructive power of those messages is magnified a hundredfold because there is also something going on INSIDE the girl or woman that helps her buy into those messages…and sometimes the messages aren’t even the genesis of those beliefs; sometimes they are only validation for what she is already telling herself. We don’t have to label what’s going on inside our girls (and ourselves) as “wrong,” but I think it’s a mistake to not tell the truth about ourselves–that we want unhealthy things, that we make choices, that we also can tell lies and harm ourselves, that we deep down actually have come to the same conclusions we deplore in others. It’s not all going on “out there.” Teaching our girls how to respond to messages from out there is vital…but dealing with the even louder ones inside is also big, important work.

Rachel I think you placed this beautifully. The guilt or drive or cravings that come from within can be confusing to understand and manage and balance and I agree it’s as much our job to teach our littles THOSE life skills… bravo for the addition! G, YOU are amazing. Great job, Mamma!

THIS spoke volumes to me tonight. 20 years ago, I was hospitalized for an eating disorder. I weighed 79 pounds and was throwing up over 10 times a day. I don’t talk about it much…it (fortunately) is so far in my past that I consider it a different time and life.

BUT…I have two girls.

THIS is what I want spoken to them. I have one that is built just like me. And one that wants to eat A LOT. I make them separate dinners because I am so concerned that dinner time will become a “scary place”. It is its own monster…because now they won’t eat with flexibility at all…but we’ll get there.

I had a huge support network. My family STEPPED UP. My friends then are my friends now. I stole food, I stole money, I lied, I cheated. And they are still here. Beyond that, I had an amazing therapist (and we’re still in touch). BUT I still don’t know how to address it all…