Bilingual

Laila Shikaki

my friend said he ate his chicken marinated
in garlic and vinegar.I wanted to say saha, but couldn’t,my tongue tied, my hands on the keyboards stuck.bon appétit works, but that is in French.he is American and Iget confused if bon appétit is said beforeor after a meal.saha is said after,like salamtak is said to a boy who is sick.but my friend is getting sick and I can’t express my worriesexcept with an apology.sorry you are sick, I say in my second language, his first and only one.

but when my Palestinian friend calls me and he complains about his wife,I smile because the words I can use are endless.naeeman I say when my best friend shows me pictures of her new haircut,or I talk to my mother who just left the shower.when baba comes home, mama says, yaeteek il afya,and when I see a worker at the office I say the same thing.but in English I’m tongue tied,and I have to say good afternoon or have a good night,but I want to say yaeteek il afya,as in may God give you more strength,as in I appreciate what you are doing.but in English it sounds flat,no emotion. just simple words written and read.

yet when it comes to Arabic love words, I am silenced.bahibak is too much to handle.I like you sounds better to a friend and a potential lover.I miss you sounds less commitment-filled than ishtaqtilakand poetry read in Arabic reads heavier on my heart,and words written in English sound easier on my tongue.

and that is what I tell myself day and night.you are bilingual.things are meant to get confused,and you are meant to sometimes choose a languagethat suits a situation best.

and so I live my life thinking in English,feeling in Arabic,writing in English and listening in Arabic.and I dream in both.I love in both.I fear in both, and as the sun sets every night,I thank the God that made me bilingual.