Wednesday, March 10, 2004

I am so ready for a change, I cannot even tell you. I really feel like I am stuck in a rut - that there are skills I can offer, things I should be doing that I am not doing. The mindlessness of my job is really starting to get to me. It has been for a while, pretty much since I started working there some ten months ago, and all of you have heard me complain about it way too often, and you are saying what I need someone to say to me, people to say to me everday: Well what the fuck are you doing to change your situation then, you fucking whiny baby? Get off your lazy ass and do something about it besides getting trashed and dancing! That's so easy! Come on, jackass!

Something like that. I have been discontent with my situation for too long, and it has been starting to come to a head where I dread waking up because I know I will have to go spend eight hours in that same place I do everyday, doing nothing. Not today, not ever. Please. For this reason, I called in sick today. Granted, I did have a sore throat, but I was more than capable of going into work today, but God, if it did not seem like willingly stepping up to the executioner this morning. There has been Matt to distract me these past couple weeks, which I have been more than grateful for. But now, the mediocrity I am here is again becoming appearant. And the worst part of it all is that I am not sure at all what I would like to be doing. I think time spent with Matt and his roommates are adding to my discontent. Everyone there is an art student and does stuff with their time, can point to tangible results of how they spent their time. Last night, I went to Matt's studio, saw his stuff, heard about his day, and he asked about mine, about what happened. And without any touch of drama because it is the painful truth, I said, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing." And the contrast between our two days made me really sad. I really don't know what to do. Hopefully, I will get into Hunter in the fall, but what until then, and what after then? What the hell do I want to do with myself here in this town, or if not here, where?

Right now, I am going to take a bath and listen to Tom Petty sing songs that sound too sad right now.