"Lord, let me live until I die" - Will Rogers ::redheaded wife of 1, mama of (almost) 3::

Join Date: Mar 2010

Location: Canada

Posts: 205

Basic Assumptions of GD

Can we list what some of the basic assumptions behind gentle discipline are? Like, 1) First-time obedience is not our primary goal. 2) Children are not our adversaries. 3) Punitive measures are neither effective, nor Christ-like...

What else?

I'm trying to figure out how to explain GD in positive terms, rather than just ONLY reciting what I *don't* do (like "I don't spank, or use time-out, etc)... I know that the question is going to be, "ok, so if you don't spank/use time-out, then what DO you do? How do you get your kids to listen? don't we need to be in control as parents?" (this was my hubby's question a while back...). I feel like I want to explain a bit of the philosophy behind it but am having trouble putting it into words .

GBD recognizes that children need to be disciplined in a way that recognizes their cognitive limitations (for example, if children don't develop impulse control until 5, then expecting them to show self control before then is pointless). It also recognizes that discipline means "to teach," and that pain is not necessary for teaching. GBD uses God's model of parenting as its foundation, mirroring His use of natural consequences and grace to lovingly guide His children. Finally, GBD seeks to keep the bond/relationship between parent and child strong and healthy by encouraging parents to approach their child not in an adversarial, "us against them" mindset, but with a "we are all on the same team" mindset. GBD always has an eye on the end goal, which is NOT "pleasant children RIGHT NOW" but "emotionally healthy, morally centered adults who recognize the consequences of their actions."

gbd seeks to assume that everyone (child or adult) is doing the best they can with what they have. So if you don't like what they're doing, you have to change "what they have" and give them a new skill or a new understanding, some help, etc.

gbd believes that inflicting pain in order to prevent a repeat occurrence of whatever it is is ineffective at best and damaging at worst.

gbd seeks to allow natural consequences to do the teaching where it is possible (if you don't wear your coat you will be cold) but doesn't mind stepping in with grace when necessary (oh, you're cold? Well I put your coat in the trunk before we left. Would you like to put it on now?)

When natural consequences are dangerous, ineffective,or simply not forthcoming, gbd uses logical consequences to teach what kids need to learn. If you leave my tools out after you use them, and you do it repeatedly, I will not make you miss dinner or not let you play outside or make you miss your favorite tv show, but I will ask you to clean them up and I am not going to be eager to let you use my tools again next time you want them for something.

gbd recognizes that discipline is short-sighted if it only starts after misbehavior or focuses on misbehavior. Discipline as teaching is most effective before the behavior occurs and seeks to teach and model good behavior. Setting kids up for success includes teaching, modeling, and trying to make sure, whenever possible, that their bellies are full, they are not too tired, and that expectations are age-appropriate.

__________________Erin

born of water and of the Spirit 4/96married 5/02Mama to: B '04Nugs '07Kins born at home '10Bunny born at home Dec '12
Baby Boo born at home July 2017

I've only read the OP. My very tired, very pregnant self thinks of these immediately.

GD is about relationship. The best discipline and learning comes from relationship.

GD is about modeling God to our kids. We all know that when kids think about God they think about their relationship with their parents. So I want to model the grace and love that God gives me to my kids so that they can understand God's grace and love.

Moderator in Homeschooling, Intense Fellowship, and Unprepared for Parenting

"You are on the path...exactly where you are meant to be."

Join Date: Mar 2010

Location: Seeking Simplicity

Posts: 12,685

Re: Basic Assumptions of GD

GBD is about treating our children as collaborators, whenever possible, instead of automatically as adversaries. Working with them rather than against them also recognizes that they may someday be our brothers/sisters in Christ and will someday be adults and "equal" to us in society no matter what their beliefs.

It's also about showing our children the fruit of the spirit - showing them love, gentleness, self-control, patience, kindness - rather than being harsh and demanding towards them.

GBD is also (for me, at least) about recognizing that *I* have trouble with big feelings. *I* have trouble being patient. *I* have trouble taking orders. Why would I expect my children to have an easier time doing those things when they're barely more than babies and I'm an adult?

I also think that it's important to recognize that child development isn't an excuse or just a result of the fall, it's the way that God created children to grow and learn. A normal child simply cannot get from point B (birth) to point G (grown-up) without going through the usual stages of development.

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