A Meaningful Retirement

Help! My retired husband is driving me crazy.

When people reach that vulnerable age of retirement, they usually think of making that move to warmer climates, traveling to exotic places, pursuing tennis, or taking that creative part-time job. But some have no plans for after retirement. And surprisingly, my second husband Ben was the latter, an odd lacuna in a guy who planned the rest of his life so carefully. More than odd -- Ben’s lack of plans became an issue for us early in our marriage.

I was 62 when I remarried, Ben was 76. He looked and acted ten years younger. In the words of my grandson, Chaim, “Age is a number, Bubby.” Ben was debonair, always with a twinkle in his eye and good sense of humor. You could set your watch by his promptness.

On our first date I heard the highlights of Ben’s life that built his character. He grew up poor with a bathtub in the kitchen, graduated from the prestigious Stuyvesant High School at age 16, and two years later his father suddenly died of a brain tumor. As the oldest of four children, Ben dropped out of City College and became the sole family breadwinner and decision maker. He never finished college although he loved books and knowledge.

He enlisted in the army during World War II and became a radio specialist, stringing communication wires along the French coast ahead of the Allied troop landings. At Buchenwald, he helped free prisoners. Hearing his story, I was struck by his response to adversity, his forward attitude toward life. Eventually, he became the top salesman in a pant’s manufacturing company and eventually a partner in the business. Only recently did he retire.

The snapshot of my life seemed to mirror his own life challenges. I too gave up a scholarship to college in order to help support my mother. My father also passed away when I was only 14. But I kept my eye on that degree at the end of the rainbow. Between having children, moving to different communities and attending eight universities, I almost completed a Ph.D. Persistence is a great motivator. He nodded in agreement. I told him that it was never too late to go to college.

College or Bust

After what felt to me like a whirlwind courtship of six months, we married. It was wonderful to find each other. Still, I realized we had a problem. I was working in real estate and Ben was trying to fill his days. How many books could he read? How much comparison shopping could he do? With his intelligence and an I.Q over 160, he would run out of things to keep him meaningfully preoccupied, and I was not always available to fill in the gaps.

Matters came to a head when I started working full time. My cell phone would ring in the evenings, the best time to take out customers. Ben resented it. “When will you be home?” He was upset I was gone.

Sometimes I lost my temper. I didn’t understand that he was lonely and bored. None of his friends lived close by. I was at my wits end. I desperately had to find something meaningful to occupy his time.

With a nudge and a push from his children and me, Ben audited a class at Hunter College. Soon, he felt comfortable enough to seek out his advisor and receive credit for his course. Surprising himself, he was suddenly matriculating with 12 credits. Sixty-five years seemed to melt away, and he felt as though he had never left college. Majoring in Political Science, Ben was infused with a new passion. Like a horse with blinders, he felt nothing could deter him.

Ben admired his fellow-students, who were conscientious about their studies even while holding jobs. “When I was younger, I couldn’t work and attend school at the same time. Look at what these kids can do!”

With a catch in his voice, he said, “Some students wrote about me in my English class. They also said they were going to encourage their parents to go back and finish school. Isn’t that something?”

I was thrilled that he found school such a delight and enjoyed his relationship with the teachers and students. And, he was meaningfully retired!

In an attempt to complete his degree sooner, he took a full load in summer school. Ben became a determined student.

Graduation Day

Finally, the big day arrived. He was graduating! Ben awoke on the day of graduation with an attack of nerves. As an 84-year-old college graduate, I guess he had a right to be nervous. His children flew in from Israel for the event. At Hunter, Ben went to join his fellow students, while the rest of our family was shown to the VIP seats upstairs in the balcony. I was honored to discover that we were seated with Hunter College donors.

The president of Hunter began speaking and the words, The Greatest Generation, were heard. With much surprise, Ben was asked to come up to the stage, and all the students respectfully stood as he walked slowly toward the president with tears in his eyes. She thanked him for his great contribution during the War and for his hard work at Hunter.

I had called the Riverdale Press, our community newspaper, both to make the event special for him and in the hope he might inspire other seniors, no matter what age, to take the plunge. Not only did they cover the event, but Hunter sent in Channel 4 News! When an interviewer asked Ben’s grandson if he was proud of his grandfather, he replied, “I certainly am, but I hope it doesn’t take me 65 years to finish college.”

Celebrations continued. Ben had a Kiddush in the synagogue with 150 guests, making him feel like a celebrity.

The Graduate

But then came the day after graduation. With the end of the college adventure, once again I feared our marriage would slide back into my under-occupied husband waiting and worrying for me. For a good while, Ben ordered books on how to unlock the mysteries of the computer, spent time reading and typing (another newly acquired skill) and talked about going back for his Masters. But it was all scattershot. Somehow he lacked the motivation this time around.

Bright and bored, Ben couldn’t seem to find his passion. Computer games didn’t engage him. I often found him asleep on a comfortable chair.

Since my problem-solving genes were trying to tell me something, I sat myself down, scratched my head, and thought of a variety of solutions. I also knew a number of wives who were in the same situation as me, and desperately wanted their husbands to be challenged and happy.

So with a dual motive (perhaps selfish) in mind, I had someone approach Rabbi Rosenblatt with an idea. The rabbi of the synagogue loved to teach. Perhaps he could devise a lunch and Torah learning afternoon program. The rabbi embraced the idea. He dubbed it the “The Gentlemen’s Kollel.” It had a nice ring to it. I thought the men would like it.

This select group met in the Beit Medrash – a light and airy study hall with many new windows. The walls boasted a library of both old and new Hebrew books in shiny, new, wood bookshelves. The agenda included a buffet lunch, learning and then the mincha, afternoon prayers, a perfect afternoon.

The group started with less than a handful of men. Lugging their own Talmudic tractates to and from class like serious Yeshiva students, the men rippled with excitement and passion. Ben came home, his eyes gleaming with the afterglow of his learning and said, “The rabbi really knows how to teach a class.”

Silently, I blessed the rabbi and smiled at my husband. “Well, now you have a challenge for that good brain of yours.”

The group comprised of retired dentists, businessmen, teachers, lawyers and rabbis. The ages ranged from 65 to 90. On any given day you could find between 15 and 20 men hunched over their Torah books, thumbs twirling Talmudic style, using their minds to figure out the meaning of God’s words.

If the husbands were delighted, the wives were ecstatic.

One day I met my friend Ruth at a doctor’s office. "How is your husband?” I inquired. I knew him as a brilliant man.

“Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.” – Dr. Dale Turner

A shadow passed across her face as she told me, “He is confined to a wheel chair. But,” she said with a happy lilt in her voice, “I just dropped him off to attend the Kollel. His mind is still working even though he has trouble walking. The Kollel is such a blessing.”

I have fallen in love anew with my husband, the Yeshiva bachur (student). Although I never saw myself as a kollel wife, I suppose that’s what I am. I love how Ben is always learning and growing, sharing his knowledge with me and his family. I love how at the Shabbat table he always has something special to contribute, uplifting the whole meal. To keep up with him, I too have started going to Torah classes. And the best thing about the Kollel: there’s no graduation day. Torah study never ends. It continues as the person grows.

Related Articles:

About the Author

Marion Zweiter is a freelance writer and part-time real estate salesperson in Riverdale, The Bronx, New York where she and her husband, Ben, reside. Previous work has appeared in The Baltimore Jewish Times, The Voice from Winsted, Connecticut, where she grew up, and The NASA Journal. Marion and Ben are grateful for good health so that they can enjoy nachat from their combined children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Visitor Comments: 37

(37)
Anonymous,
January 16, 2013 6:24 PM

I wish it was that easy to keep my husband stimulated. My husband is turning 65 and there is nothing like that in my neighborhood in Monsey. The mix of Pple I have sound just what he would like. here is this Kollel

(36)
Ronald Tiehen,
April 14, 2010 4:22 PM

Excellent Article

Very much enjoyed this article. Ben and my father served together in WWII, and Ben was a close friend of my Dad so we heard a lot about him and their activities.
Best wishes to the Zweiter family.

(35)
rabbi charles sheer,
December 29, 2009 11:49 AM

kol ha-kavod

Thanks for writing this beautiful tribute to Ben. We admire BOTH of you even more.
chuck and judy sheer

(34)
Debbie,
December 17, 2009 5:07 AM

kol hakavod!!

Kol Hakavod! Thanks for sharing. :-)

(33)
,
December 16, 2009 9:54 PM

Behind every sucessfulman there's a woman encouraging him.Marion is obviously that woman and Benhas certainly achieved his goal. Write [right] on Marion.

(32)
Yitz,
December 9, 2009 8:02 AM

Inspirational

Loved the article. Very meaningful and an inspirational story!

(31)
Yonina,
December 3, 2009 3:36 PM

Mazal Tov, Marion - You and Ben continue to inspire!

To say that this story inspires is an understatement! Sharing it like this will surely encourage others to plan productively for life after retirement. Thank you for your positive thinking and for your friendship. With much admiration...

(30)
shirley and robin zweiter,
December 2, 2009 5:19 PM

what a world this would be if we culd have more Ben's and Marion's

How could Bens life be anything but wonderous if not for his lovely and beautiful wife Marion. How inspirational!!

(29)
Miriam Rubin,
December 2, 2009 3:55 PM

inspiring story how perseverance can prevail at any age.

Personally know the couple and how they have influenced others in the community. Well written article. Miriam

(28)
Myrna Robbins,
December 2, 2009 3:33 PM

A VERY PROUD NIECE

Marion...What can I say except "you are one amazing woman". What a beautiful article. Next comes a novel. I am very proud of my uncle, and very proud of you. Uncle Ben is where he is today thanks to you. Your love, warmth, kindness and drive has given him this motivation.

(27)
Avi,
December 2, 2009 8:12 AM

Great story,keep writing

Your story really inspiring to everyone and I hope we all reach a moment in time where you two are with great motivation and great faith and a happy life. No doubt the study of Torah is good for your own neshama and strengthens the whole world.
Marion&Ben have the best in life and keep writing.

(26)
shirley and robin zweiter,
December 2, 2009 2:10 AM

we love you guys

We're the proud sister in law and niece of ben and marion. Ben is respected and loved by us. We are grateful to know we are of the same family. BEN- you are THE MAN in every sense of the word. Congratulations and may your and retirement be ever full of joy.

(25)
Batya,
December 1, 2009 10:17 AM

Inspiring

A beautiful story, beautifully written. Thank you both for being willing to share this. It shows that if you keep thinking, being creative and are brave enough to go forth, there are solutions and rewards. Of course, it helps that you are inspired people. Both of you: keep it going.

(24)
Bob Pransky,
December 1, 2009 3:37 AM

Ben is an inspiration for the rest of us of “mature “ folk. He has proved that, regardless of age, there is so much one can accomplish. There must have been more than one college professor who was wondering just who was teaching whom. Mazel Tov to both of you for Ben’s secular achievement and a big yasher koach to Marion for the idea of the Kollel and, of course, to Ben for actually joining.

(23)
Judy Pransky,
December 1, 2009 3:15 AM

Wonderful article

I fully enjoyed reading Ben's and Marion's histories. What they both accomplished in their "retirement years" is highly inspiring.

(22)
Anonymous,
November 30, 2009 11:55 PM

Great Kolel concept

Learning Torah is for everyone- so glad you started another Kolel! Everybody deserves a chance to learn like this.

(21)
dina,
November 30, 2009 10:26 PM

such a great, motivating and inspiring story.
the team of marion and ben is sure to win.
kol hakovod

(20)
ruth housman,
November 30, 2009 10:14 PM

anticipation!

As I read this I was already coming up with solutions and then the solutions I had ordered in my mind materialized. I was thinking, further schooling. I was thinking, continuing education. And it happened just this way.
There are now across the country Osher Institutes, meaning continuing education classes, run often by the members, for other members, in various educational settings, such as Brandeis, Tufts and Regis College in the Boston area etc. These groups offer a collegial setting and a wonderful opportunity to use one's mind in many, many ways. When we get older and retire, we need to find renewed passions in life, and it's not just about learning. It's about collegiality, the society of others. We are largely needing relationships and when work drops away it's one way not to avoid, the void but to fill it, with smiles, with laughter, and mutual support and learning.

(19)
Anonymous,
November 30, 2009 3:15 PM

very inspiring!

(18)
Anonymous,
November 30, 2009 1:52 PM

Fantastic story

KOL HAKOVOD to a very special old friend! A wonderful example of dealing with a difficult issue. It is imperative to plan for retirement as carefully as planning for a career. Now your retirement direction is clear, Marion.

(17)
Gidon Rothstein,
November 30, 2009 6:42 AM

Inspiring story

What a great story-- and an inspiring couple, whom I know well! They should have many years of health and happiness together!

(16)
Nechama Motzen,
November 30, 2009 4:03 AM

I'm so proud of you Mom for following your passion of writing.

(15)
,
November 30, 2009 3:37 AM

unsung hero

Bravo to Ben and to his extraordinary wife who paved the way and helped make it happen -- what a woman of valor.

(14)
Rachel,
November 30, 2009 3:17 AM

What about the retired women?

While this is a great article -- and the idea of a kollel is a great idea -- I just wonder if anyone's given thought to doing something similar for retired women....

(13)
Anonymous,
November 30, 2009 2:44 AM

Honest and inspiring

I like the fact that you are so honest about how you feel about your husband, what you admire about him, what frustrated and worried you, and how you were creative in encouraging him to return to school and then in speaking to the rabbi about creating the Gentlemen's Kollel. What a great idea! The moments when your husband was called up at graduation and when the class stood up for him must have been overwhelming.

(12)
Anonymous,
November 30, 2009 2:14 AM

An Inspiration to all of us

What a wonderful inspiration for everyone who feels that there is no life after work. Credit should be given to a wonderful wife who encouraged her husband to reach for his dreams.

(11)
Bella Hochberg,
November 30, 2009 2:06 AM

wonderful ,meaningful article !

Marion, What a moving article ! It was a great article in its first writng & is even better now. I was so touched as I read it !
Ben is lucky to have you as
the motivator behind the scene .

(10)
Anonymous,
November 30, 2009 12:54 AM

What an inspirational and well written article. With a determined husband and a author as a wife this couple is destined for greatness!

(9)
Florence,
November 29, 2009 10:28 PM

Ben has shown us that it is never too late to complete our goals and reach for the stars. We are all very proud of him.

(8)
Pat Goodeill,
November 29, 2009 10:00 PM

Inspiring Story

What a treasure of a story! I know he has inspired many people to think twice about becoming a couch potato.

They say that in one of the hasidic groups, there was no special respect for the older people --- the reason being that when it came to energy and purpose in the sevice of G-d, there was no way to distinguish the older from the younger.
It seems to apply here, as well. Just wonderful.

(5)
Elka,
November 29, 2009 6:35 PM

Great article - Learning is for life

This is a caring and thoughtful article about a part of life that doesn't get enough press. Ben and Marion's lifelong learning should motivate us all.

(4)
grandma Mize,
November 29, 2009 4:44 PM

this is really great

congradulations to a really great man . never to old to live a good life

(3)
Natalie,
November 29, 2009 4:40 PM

what a wonderful story! I hope it gives hope to many retirees who decide to follow your idea as well!

(2)
Bernie Siegel, MD,
November 29, 2009 4:14 PM

retirement and relationships

retirement is twice the husband and half the cash. my wife and i have had 38 wonderfull years of married life. the only trouble is they weren't consecutive.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...