Paul Pogba: “Carlton Palmer Inspired My Manchester Derby Performance”

Manchester United’s Paul Pogba has named former England midfielder and childhood hero Carlton Palmer as his muse for his less-than-impressive performance in the 2-1 defeat to Manchester City last Saturday.

Responding to criticism for “having more haircuts than assists or goals,” since returning to Old Trafford in a monster-money move, the 23-year-old Frenchman seemed puzzled by the negative assessment of his performances, particularly the Manchester derby where he spent the majority of the game as a passenger.

“What the f**k are you talking ab0out? I was, ow you say ‘ere in England…the bollocks of the dog?” I left ze tekkers and all that fancy stuff out and I channelled my inner Carlton Palmer. Running around like a headless chicken and stumbling on the ball, shit passes – it confuses ze fuck out of ze opposition and I think we were unlucky not to leave with ze 3 points.”

The former Juventus hotshot was reminded by reporters than many experts look at Palmer as ‘one of the shittest players to have ever played for England’ and questioned whether a £90m man should set a higher standard for himself and the club’s fans.

“You know nothing, as a kid I always wanted to play like Carlton Palmer on the big stage, and on Saturday I achieved that.”