The greatest joy, the greatest challenge
Being a mother
I am not sure why
God has blessed me with such angels
though they seem to offer so many opportunities
for doing things differently in life
Learning to be patient, compassionate, open
Trying to let them grow at their own pace
~
Thoughts of being a mother, lead to thoughts of my own mother
And this is where I get stuck
again and again
Stuck in that muck of not knowing
The why, the how
Of not being able to walk into
how she was or was not as a mother
Of not being able to mourn the loss
of her love, of her presence
~
She was right about so many things for me

And I do seem to mourn how distant we were those last years of her life- was it me

or was it her?

Or both of us, lost in this muck of life.

~

When I received the call from the hospital, it was a beautiful sunny day in Northern California

The Sunday of memorial day in 2005

I had just graduated with my PhD and I was pregnant with our first daughter

My husband was away gigging and the phone rang

My mother was in the ICU, throwing PVC’s, already several MIs

She was 500 miles away

Unreachable

What did I want done?

They said she would not make it, would not last the 8 hours until I could get there to say good bye.

So I directed them to remove all life support and let her go

I called my husband and he headed home

I sat and chanted for her, chanted her toward freedom in death

~

Two days later I saw her

at the funeral home

We had to wait while they prepared the body, 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes

30 minutes to wait and this would be the last time. In two more days I would pick up her ashes

They rolled her body into the chapel, her face exposed.

She looked relaxed, salt and pepper hair, such few wrinkles

I stood their with my daughter in my belly, my husband at my side,

In this town where I had gone to college, and lived for too long

where I had brought her to after her first stroke.

And I said good bye and we cried.I had the feeling of the three generations together, though my daughter would never meet her grandmother.

~

I still have her ashes. I also have some of the ashes of my brother and now my mother in law as well.

What to do with these fine grains of dust

the dust of what once was, the dust of the memories that drift by

They do not somehow offer enough to connect her to me and me to her

I do still feel so unable to go there; how do I get to those feelings? How do I create a container for them to be viewed?

Unable to walk into the loss of the mother and remembering her all the same

I am driving along, somewhere between Maine and Vermont
It must be New Hampshire
64 mph in my SUV
And suddenly I am a speck
A tiny speck in the universe
And I feel like a universe within a universe
On my own
And so far from home

That’s me, the speck

~

I feel so far away from my family, my grounding

And I wonder just what it is I am doing

What do I think I am doing

Whizzing around across 3 states in 3 hours

By myself in this big car

Looking for some answers

Chasing some rainbows

On this beautiful day meant to be spent outdoors

Not driving across 3 states

~

I chew on my inner lip

I do not know why I do this when I am driving

It hurts and yet somehow that is comforting

I check in with my body, I listen to Terry Gross, I give myself Reiki while I drive

I do not stop driving

~

I get their, to this college town

Where the beautiful boys without shirts

are working out on the track

And the co-op I stop at for supplies asks me if I am a member

And I don’t know where I am going

But I find the Thai restaurant right next to the campus

I request that they make the green curry with tofu

Thai spicy

I laugh and I say, “I like for it to make me cry”

The young lady laughs and tells me to wait for 10 minutes for my order.

~

Despite the friendliness of all around me

In this amazing college town

I feel like an outsider amongst these beings

Who are perfectly nice and friendly

Who let me in when I am trying to turn left and it seems impossible

who recognize my out of town plates

I know I don’t belong here

At this Ivy league school

With the hippie children and the beautiful boys

Perhaps my children, though, one day….

~

That night in the lovely resort

I cannot sleep

I sweat and shiver; they call it peri-menapause

The window is open and I hear the rain

I wake up craving coffee

And I run mile after mile on the treadmill

Looking at the beautiful lake

Rain pouring down

Feeling shy of those around me

~

I get to the conference early, I absolutely must have a front row seat.

I have driven 200 miles to see the speaker

And I want to absorb her knowledge and wisdom

I want her to look at me when she talks

I want to be her, I want to share my life with her, I want her authentic self to be my authentic self

I sit and silently watch her set-up

Right in front of me

I am in the front row

When do you tell her about how you use the book and your students do as well

~

And then it begins

She gives me everything I needed

Every bit of science spread right there in front of me

To demonstrate that learning to love oneself, learning to walk into things

and not run away

Is all a capacity based in psycho-neuro-immunology.

It is brain science

~

She is alone at the break and I take my chance

The book is signed

I stand face-face to tell her my story

Of how I saw her last year

How we adopted the book

How we struggle to convince others of the importance of this work

She authentically wishes me well and holds my eyes

And we diminish that space again and again.

~

I cradle the book after the conference

I am so content and happy with what I have learned

So affirmed on my journey and ready to welcome the challenges

Ready to welcome my voice

Ready to let go

I do not look at the message

It is like saving a piece of candy

To be opened at a time when it can be savored

~

As I drive home

In pouring rain and poor visibility conditions

Flying across the highways,backtracking 24 hours later, over 3 states,

I now feel like a more powerful speck

Like perhaps I am not a speck of dirt in the universe

But I am more akin to a speck of cosmic star dust

An eternal aspect of the universal whole

A holon- both whole onto myself and an aspect or a speck of something greater

~

I arrive home

Freshly bathed children inside are eagerly waiting, wanting kisses and treats and hugs