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Category Archives: psychology

Last week Dove released a video that quickly went viral and had everybody talking about beauty and issues of self image. The video featured a woman describing herself to a sketch artist and then another person describing the same woman to a sketch artist. Afterward, the drawings by the sketch artist were shown side by side. Sure enough, the drawings of the women who had been described by another person were far more attractive than the drawings of the women who were describing themselves.

I’m not going to address the numerous issues that people have with this video and Dove (they’re owned by Unilever, which also owns Axe, the overarching message is still that beauty is important, they’re just trying to sell soap, etc). When watching this video, one of the parts that stood out to me was when a woman said that her mother told her she had a big chin. I noticed comments in online communities that were similar. “My mother told me I’d never be as pretty as my friends.” “My mom has always said that my nose is too big for my face and that she’d pay for plastic surgery if I want it.”

I almost couldn’t believe these comments, although truthfully, I know that sometimes a mother can undermine her daughter’s self-esteem worse than anyone. It got me thinking about my own mom and how I was lucky enough to have someone who not only was supportive but who regularly tried to get me to see my own beauty. She told me over and over, “Other girls might be pretty but you are beautiful.” As I’ve said before, when I look back at pictures of myself I now wish that I could have seen what she was talking about. Instead I was my own worst critic, constantly convinced that I didn’t look as good as the other girls in my class. Nevertheless, I’m thankful for what my mom said. Throughout all my self doubt, she was an encouraging and reassuring voice. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to grow up with a mother who criticized my looks just as harshly as kids in the schoolyard. Once again, I’m reminded of how lucky I am to have my mom.

It’s a new year and once again, it seems that everyone is making resolutions. But a few days ago, I started what will become a lifelong resolution. It’s one that I know I will constantly struggle with but in the end, I will do my best to keep at it because I know that it is what’s best for me. I am going to let go.

What does that mean? Well, let me explain. I am going to share something that I have often tried to hide, that I have often tried to ignore, and just sweep under the rug. My father is an alcoholic. He’s not physically abusive, he isn’t a falling down drunk. In fact, he is a functional alcoholic. In a way, that is almost part of the problem. He figures that his behaviour isn’t extreme enough to warrant being called an alcoholic. Heck, he doesn’t even want to say that he has a drinking problem. Never mind that he feels he “needs” a drink. Never mind that since I have been home for the holidays, he has literally staggered off to bed by 7pm every night. He sits at the dinner table, slurring his speech and is barely able to hold his head up, but he will insist that he doesn’t have a problem.

I tried my best to ignore this behaviour but of course it was impossible. It wasn’t just the forgetfulness or his inability to form a coherent sentence. It was also the fact that my father becomes an absolutely miserable person when he drinks. There is no pleasing him. Once again, it all culminated in an argument between the two of us the day after Christmas. I wanted an apology for his behaviour. He insisted on seeing himself as the victim.

But as I stood there crying (and crying and crying) I finally had a realization. It isn’t worth it. I have tried my best to help my dad change but I finally realized that it’s not my responsibility. What I do or don’t do has no impact on his behaviour. So I need to stop pointing out when he has forgotten the conversation we had the day before. Or when he slurs his words. Or when he simply can’t understand a concept because he has destroyed his mental functioning with years of hard drinking. I finally accepted that what I have been doing is akin to banging my head against a brick wall and expecting a change.

I know that this new path won’t be easy. After all, I have an almost hyper-sensitive awareness of other people’s behaviours and actions. But I know now that I need to do this for my own sake, my own health and my own sanity. And I am determined to finally stop fighting and do what’s best for me.

Christmas is less than a week away but I’m having trouble feeling the old Christmas spirit. By now everyone knows about the tragedy that took place in Newtown, Connecticut on Friday in which 20 children (all aged 6 and 7) and 6 adults lost their lives. I can’t even describe the grief and dismay that I felt. It got worse each time I turned on the television and learned more about those children whose lives were ended far too soon.

I don’t want to get into the gun debate but I will say that as a Canadian, most of us watch with confusion as these massacres happen over and over again and still do not lead to any change in gun laws and regulations.

In addition to this tragedy, I’ve had to watch as some people in my personal life face their mortality. My great aunt is living out her final days in a hospital because she has an inoperable brain tumor. On the one hand, I am thankful that at least she has lived a long life and has been able to bring joy to everyone around her. But it’s always sad to say goodbye, even under the best circumstances. A family friend is also facing death. He is suffering from a hereditary disease that has required him to be on oxygen for a long time and is now in the hospital due to a collapsed lung. Once again, death is on the horizon.

It’s hard to face these kinds of situations at any time of year but especially at a time that’s usually thought of as happy and celebratory. However, no matter how dark it gets, it’s helpful to remember people at their best and celebrate the impact they had on your life no matter how big or how small.

*edit* One day after posting this, our family friend passed away in hospital. May God rest his soul.

I want to talk a bit about depression and trying to move away from it. I have recently gone through a stressful experience. I got a job and then decided to quit after just a few weeks. After considering the disorganization of the workplace, the horrible attitude of the boss (think Miranda Priestley only with no excuse for the ego) and the fact that I found myself crying regularly the night before I had to go into work, I decided that it wasn’t worth it to keep going back, especially not for minimum wage. I have decided instead that I will try to get a retail job. At 28 and with seven years of postsecondary education under my belt this isn’t exactly where I pictured my life heading. But at the very least, a retail job would give me a steady income with flexible hours while allowing me to work on my writing (yes, I’ve finally realized that I should take this endeavour seriously) and still apply for my dream job in advertising.

Anyway, I realized while working at the hell job that I was very nearly on the verge of sinking back into a deep depression. I did my best to try to change my headspace but it wasn’t enough. I talked to my mom a lot about how I was trying to change my thinking and become a more positive person. So for my birthday, October 10th, she gave me the book “The Power of Positive Thinking.” I was thrilled. I will warn anyone who is reading this that the book basically suggests a lot of bible reading so if you aren’t into that kind of thing then it may not be of much help to you. I’ve never considered myself a very religious person, more spiritual if anything, but lately I have actually found myself wanting to go to church. I even found a great church right downtown that aligns with my views. It’s Anglican, is LGBT friendly and actually acts on what the bible says by doing things like having a daily soup kitchen and organizing all sorts of charity events. I’ve only gone a few times but I think that I may start going more often and try to let the church be a sort of grounding force in my life.

But back to the book and church. As I have started to become more familiar with both I can’t help but notice that each time I partake in one or the other I get emotional. Every time I read a chapter in “The Power of Positive Thinking” I find myself wanting to cry. The same thing happened when I went to church on Sunday. I woke up and felt good about myself for going and yet as the opening hymn began I could barely get the words out. I was afraid that I might burst into tears in front of everyone. The only theory I can come up with is that I have actually been feeling a lot more stressed and wounded than I have admitted to myself. I am convinced that things will get better from here. In fact, the day after I quit my job I got three good bits of news and feedback that gave me even more hope for the future. From here on out I am going to let myself cry as needed. But more importantly I am going to let myself heal and get stronger.

I have a really bad habit. It’s something that I struggle with almost constantly and have not even come close to learning how to control. I constantly compare myself to others. Whether it’s friends, acquaintances, classmates, whomever, chances are I am wondering how I measure up to the person next to me. I think a part of this is human nature, after all, most people are at least a little competitive whether they want to admit it or not. It’s innate.

I tend to compare the same few categories over and over again. Beauty, weight and physical ability are some of the things I look at but more often than not I compare myself to others academically and in regards to job prospects. I’m not sure why I do it and I know that it always ends with me feeling horrible about myself. The thing is, I feel that I have a distorted vision of my accomplishments. I did pretty well in both college and university but no matter how well I’ve done, I have a tendency to dismiss any of my accomplishments as being “not that great.” It actually took a psychologist (and my mom) to make me notice this pattern and I still struggle with it everyday.

Thankfully, I have learned to rely on a few quotes to put me back on track. The first was something I came up with after seeing a particular classmate win academic awards and accolades. I told myself, “Her success does not make me a failure.” It’s simple and it’s true. No matter how far you get in life there will probably always be someone who is smarter, faster, richer and more successful than you. But that success doesn’t magically erase all of your own accomplishments.

The other quote that I have come to rely on is by Theodore Roosevelt. It reads, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” That’s what this entire entry is about. How often have you gone about your day feeling pretty darn good about yourself only to feel horrible once you compare yourself to someone else? It happens very often to me. I am very far from moving past this issue but I at least have these two quotes to bring me back down to earth and help me appreciate what I’ve done.

*edit* Okay, after publishing this post I went on to read my daily horoscope and was rather startled by how prescient it was. Here’s what it said:

A while back I realized that I was letting fear hold me back when it comes to losing weight. I couldn’t put my finger on what it was exactly but I kept thinking, “I’m afraid, I’m afraid.” Eventually I realized that my fear had to do with losing weight, both the work I’ll have to put in and the fear that it might not work.

The first time I decided I needed to lose weight I weighed exactly 193 pounds. It was easy to lose because my doctor gave me diet pills, including one that has since been banned by the FDA. This time I’m on my own. In a way I’m glad because I know that I can’t live the rest of my life on diet pills. But still I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I’ll never be able to eat anything I want ever again. I’m afraid that I’ll try my hardest and still never get down to the size I want to be. I’m afraid that I’ll lose the weight and then gain it all back again.

But I know that I have to try. I can’t continue my life this way, gaining about ten pounds every year. I don’t want to die young and I don’t want to be held back by my size anymore. So I’m going to try for real. I know it won’t be easy but being obese isn’t easy either.

I recently picked up a book after watching the author’s interview on Oprah. I know, I know. But really, this book resonated with me. Something that I really appreciated about the author is that she insists you have to love yourself to start eating healthy and lose weight. I know it’s something that we hear all the time but this is the first time that I’ve ever believed the person who was saying it. Anyway, at some point in the book the reader is asked to stop and think about the negative things she says to herself. I’ve always insisted that I love myself. That I just want to lose weight for realistic benefits (ie. my thighs will stop chafing and I won’t lose my breath walking up a flight of stairs) and that I already love myself so I don’t need to work on that, no sir, not me. But once I actually took time to think about the things I often say to myself I was shocked. So here are a few of them.

“I am such a cliché; a fat girl eating a cheeseburger.”

“Ugh, how typical, I’m hungry.”

“I look pregnant.”

“Look at this fat hanging over my jeans. Ugh, it’s disgusting.”

(When eating at a fast food restaurant) “I am like a human warning sign not to eat here. Don’t eat here or you will end up looking like me!”

“I look like a typical fat slob.”

Once I stopped and took a breath I couldn’t get over how awful I am to myself. I can’t believe I’ve guilted myself for actually feeling hungry even when it’s real hunger and not I’m-upset-so-I’m-going-to-eat hunger. It’s like they say, you wouldn’t let anyone else talk to you this way so why do it to yourself? What was really frightening was realizing just how easily these thoughts slipped into my day to day life. I’m starting to work hard on being more self aware and not just letting myself fall into a spiral of self-hatred. It will be difficult and it will require me to slow down but sometimes I think that what I need most is to just stop and breathe.

*I wish I could take credit for the title of this post but it’s actually a shout out to one of my favourite books ever by Betsy Lerner (this is not the book I’m referring to in the post).

About Me

My name is Kirthan and this is my little corner of the internet where I write about pop culture, fashion, beauty, life as a plus size woman and whatever is on my mind.