bumped into an ex whilst in town earlier.........

Dissatisfied

Guest

and he was pleasant, smiley, complementary and apologetic - whilst on the bus home it got me thinking was I wrong, I have seen him as an abuser all this time, perhaps it was me - then I came across these quotes, and I was right all along - now I wish I could get back on that bus into town and not say 'it's allright, I forgive you'

this post is about emotional abuse btw, and I'm going to copy and paste these quotes just in case anyone resonates with them, it was the same relationship I had with my ex - every sentience of it resonates with me, and he's the reason why I'm so afraid to let my guard down and trust again:

“YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The abuser’s mood changes are especially perplexing. He can be a different person from day to day, or even from hour to hour. At times he is aggressive and intimidating, his tone harsh, insults spewing from his mouth, ridicule dripping from him like oil from a drum. When he’s in this mode, nothing she says seems to have any impact on him, except to make him even angrier. Her side of the argument counts for nothing in his eyes, and everything is her fault. He twists her words around so that she always ends up on the defensive. As so many partners of my clients have said to me, “I just can’t seem to do anything right.”
At other moments, he sounds wounded and lost, hungering for love and for someone to take care of him. When this side of him emerges, he appears open and ready to heal. He seems to let down his guard, his hard exterior softens, and he may take on the quality of a hurt child, difficult and frustrating but lovable. Looking at him in this deflated state, his partner has trouble imagining that the abuser inside of him will ever be back. The beast that takes him over at other times looks completely unrelated to the tender person she now sees. Sooner or later, though, the shadow comes back over him, as if it had a life of its own. Weeks of peace may go by, but eventually she finds herself under assault once again. Then her head spins with the arduous effort of untangling the many threads of his character, until she begins to wonder whether she is the one whose head isn’t quite right.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Dissatisfied

Guest

“The symptoms of abuse are there, and the woman usually sees them: the escalating frequency of put-downs. Early generosity turning more and more to selfishness. Verbal explosions when he is irritated or when he doesn’t get his way. Her grievances constantly turned around on her, so that everything is her own fault. His growing attitude that he knows what is good for her better than she does. And, in many relationships, a mounting sense of fear or intimidation. But the woman also sees that her partner is a human being who can be caring and affectionate at times, and she loves him. She wants to figure out why he gets so upset, so that she can help him break his pattern of ups and downs. She gets drawn into the complexities of his inner world, trying to uncover clues, moving pieces around in an attempt to solve an elaborate puzzle.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“An abuser can seem emotionally needy. You can get caught in a trap of catering to him, trying to fill a bottomless pit. But he’s not so much needy as entitled, so no matter how much you give him, it will never be enough. He will just keep coming up with more demands because he believes his needs are your responsibility, until you feel drained down to nothing.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The woman knows from living with the abusive man that there are no simple answers. Friends say: “He’s mean.” But she knows many ways in which he has been good to her. Friends say: “He treats you that way because he can get away with it. I would never let someone treat me that way.” But she knows that the times when she puts her foot down the most firmly, he responds by becoming his angriest and most intimidating. When she stands up to him, he makes her pay for it—sooner or later. Friends say: “Leave him.” But she knows it won’t be that easy. He will promise to change. He’ll get friends and relatives to feel sorry for him and pressure her to give him another chance. He’ll get severely depressed, causing her to worry whether he’ll be all right. And, depending on what style of abuser he is, she may know that he will become dangerous when she tries to leave him. She may even be concerned that he will try to take her children away from her, as some abusers do.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“IN ONE IMPORTANT WAY, an abusive man works like a magician: His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns. He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The central attitudes driving Mr. Right are:
You should be in awe of my intelligence and should look up to me intellectually. I know better than you do, even about what’s good for you.
Your opinions aren’t worth listening to carefully or taking seriously.
The fact that you sometimes disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is.
If you would just accept that I know what’s right, our relationship would go much better. Your own life would go better, too.
When you disagree with me about something, no matter how respectfully or meekly, that’s mistreatment of me.
If I put you down for long enough, some day you’ll see.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are:
You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.
I can easily convince other people that you’re the one who is messed up.
As long as I’m calm, you can’t call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.
I know exactly how to get under your skin.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“To make matters worse, everyone she talks to has a different opinion about the nature of his problem and what she should do about it. Her clergyperson may tell her, “Love heals all difficulties. Give him your heart fully, and he will find the spirit of God.” Her therapist speaks a different language, saying, “He triggers strong reactions in you because he reminds you of your father, and you set things off in him because of his relationship with his mother. You each need to work on not pushing each other’s buttons.” A recovering alcoholic friend tells her, “He’s a rage addict. He controls you because he is terrified of his own fears. You need to get him into a twelve-step program.” Her brother may say to her, “He’s a good guy. I know he loses his temper with you sometimes—he does have a short fuse—but you’re no prize yourself with that mouth of yours. You two need to work it out, for the good of the children.” And then, to crown her increasing confusion, she may hear from her mother, or her child’s schoolteacher, or her best friend: “He’s mean and crazy, and he’ll never change. All he wants is to hurt you. Leave him now before he does something even worse.” All of these people are trying to help, and they are all talking about the same abuser. But he looks different from each angle of view.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

katya

Well-known member

Please don't blame yourself for the fact that you were abused. There are two sides to every story - of course there is - but if you were made to feel a certain way, then the person you were with was abusing you: they might not have meant to do it, but that's neither here nor there. You have to always put yourself first. I'm so sorry that you've had this experience and you're now second-guessing yourself. He might be changing, but that, again, should be neither here nor there to you; he was abusive, you didn't deserve it, and there's no guarantee from one pleasant encounter that he has, in any way, changed. Hope you can put this out of your mind and not for a second blame yourself for what happened.

D

Dissatisfied

Guest

I did blame myself all these years, met him when I was 20 - and carried on dating him until my 1st breakdown, - well 2 years before that I split with him (this was 15 years ago) fell in love with someone actually nice and not abusive, but because I was so messed up, he couldn't cope with that and we split on good terms, and shortly after that I had a breakdown - I was 27 I think when I had the breakdown, so going back a long time ago.

When I first met my ex I was drawn to his looks and his charm, he was the double of Marty Pellow from Wet Wet wet, and I was into going to raves at that age, and met him at one of those illegal raves in the woods in the summer, so was high on ecstasy, and was blown away by him, then spent a holiday in Ibiza and it was really good, I felt like i was in heaven, but he moved things far too quickly, and I thought it was romantic, but it wasn't as soon as I moved in, he smashed up all my things, slowly isolated me from friends and family, treated me like a slave, he would just drop things on the floor like a crisp packet and then say 'pick that up bitch' - and then the violence came later.

When I met him today, he was very smiley, charming and what not, thankfully not attractive anymore, probably due to his cocaine addiction, alcohol and junk food - looks more like the guy from shameless, - he was telling me how hard it's been for him, and I felt sorry for him, and on the bus back home I thought maybe I got it wrong, maybe it's me - but once I read this, no it wasn't it was him, he just found me because I was very vulnerable, and would easily be manipulated into keeping my mouth shut - what a bastard.

katya

Well-known member

I did blame myself all these years, met him when I was 20 - and carried on dating him until my 1st breakdown, - well 2 years before that I split with him (this was 15 years ago) fell in love with someone actually nice and not abusive, but because I was so messed up, he couldn't cope with that and we split on good terms, and shortly after that I had a breakdown - I was 27 I think when I had the breakdown, so going back a long time ago.

When I first met my ex I was drawn to his looks and his charm, he was the double of Marty Pellow from Wet Wet wet, and I was into going to raves at that age, and met him at one of those illegal raves in the woods in the summer, so was high on ecstasy, and was blown away by him, then spent a holiday in Ibiza and it was really good, I felt like i was in heaven, but he moved things far too quickly, and I thought it was romantic, but it wasn't as soon as I moved in, he smashed up all my things, slowly isolated me from friends and family, treated me like a slave, he would just drop things on the floor like a crisp packet and then say 'pick that up bitch' - and then the violence came later.

When I met him today, he was very smiley, charming and what not, thankfully not attractive anymore, probably due to his cocaine addiction, alcohol and junk food - looks more like the guy from shameless, - he was telling me how hard it's been for him, and I felt sorry for him, and on the bus back home I thought maybe I got it wrong, maybe it's me - but once I read this, no it wasn't it was him, he just found me because I was very vulnerable, and would easily be manipulated into keeping my mouth shut - what a bastard.

It sounds like you were in a stupour where everything else kind of filled in the blanks of his shitty personality. That's totally understandable. But please, please don't blame yourself. He sounds like a total bastard who allowed the drugs to let you see more in him than there really was. He is a bastard; and it sounds like he'll continue to convince women that he's not purely for his own selfish gain. I'm so glad you're out of that situation.

D

Dissatisfied

Guest

me too, I'm glad I'm out of it - it took my Grandfather to die to make me realise that I had to get rid - I know now why I stayed with him so long, and realised that I wanted my mum to rescue me a 2nd time round, because the 1st time I needed to be rescued me, she took a blind eye, that was regarding my step father abusing me, and on a subconscious level, I think I was looking for someone to abuse me, then go back to my mum with bruises, but this time she'd believe me and rescue me - but each time she asked me to leave him, it made me stay with him more, I think I was punishing her on a subconscious level, on a conscious level I told myself i deserve this, I'll get nothing better, thought my only meaning in life was for others to abuse me - now I realise both these aspects were present.

Many people along the way asked me 'why did you stay with him' and I never had the answer, so felt guilty that I had somehow allowed this to happen, didn't do enough to stop it, repeating history again with what happened with my step father, but now I know why I stayed with him and can now have compassion for myself because of it.

Everything is so complex, what we do, and why - took me years to ask myself why? It was really difficult to look in the mirror and ask myself why did I let this happen? but when I got some help and rewrote my story, not just facts this time, I began to uncover my subconscious side, and everything all links back to being firstly abused by my step father.

D

Dissatisfied

Guest

this probably isn't the correct forum for writing up about personal experiences of abuse, I used to go on NAPAC years ago, about 10 years ago now, (not sure if the blog still exists) but realised I couldn't sleep at night, people had the right to write about their own experiences, and some were that horrific, I never got a rest from not thinking about what my step father did to me, so find this forum a safer option.

katya

Well-known member

me too, I'm glad I'm out of it - it took my Grandfather to die to make me realise that I had to get rid - I know now why I stayed with him so long, and realised that I wanted my mum to rescue me a 2nd time round, because the 1st time I needed to be rescued me, she took a blind eye, that was regarding my step father abusing me, and on a subconscious level, I think I was looking for someone to abuse me, then go back to my mum with bruises, but this time she'd believe me and rescue me - but each time she asked me to leave him, it made me stay with him more, I think I was punishing her on a subconscious level, on a conscious level I told myself i deserve this, I'll get nothing better, thought my only meaning in life was for others to abuse me - now I realise both these aspects were present.

Many people along the way asked me 'why did you stay with him' and I never had the answer, so felt guilty that I had somehow allowed this to happen, didn't do enough to stop it, repeating history again with what happened with my step father, but now I know why I stayed with him and can now have compassion for myself because of it.

Everything is so complex, what we do, and why - took me years to ask myself why? It was really difficult to look in the mirror and ask myself why did I let this happen? but when I got some help and rewrote my story, not just facts this time, I began to uncover my subconscious side, and everything all links back to being firstly abused by my step father.

People who've been through abuse tend to re-victimise themselves. Look it up; it's a thing. I was abused as a child and I've been in a series of shitty relationships after that. I think we want closure? But look for it in totally the wrong way. It's totally, totally understandable. And in NO WAY the abused's fault!

D

Dissatisfied

Guest

Exactly - I only really addressed this last year - I thought it was because I felt I deserved to be punished and that bullys were looking out for their next vulnerable victim, I didn't realise, until last year it was in part (well a lot of it) was down to needing to be rescued, but not just anyone rescuing me, just my mum really - and the staying with him made my mum suffer, worry about me, cos she didn't do that enough when the abuse was going on at home with my ex-step-father.

Now that I have this insight, it's one step towards stopping getting with controlling and abuse guys.

I don't want to see myself as that poor little victim anymore, there;s a bigger part of me that is a survivor, and I guess, bumping into him today sent me on a rollercoaster of difficult emotions, I accessed the victim part of me again whilst I was thinking about it, lying next to my bunny helped me centre myself - and I guess I had a need to express it on here, just get it out of my system and not keep silent about it, which is a repeat pattern of behaviour for me aswell - doesn't help me to keep silent anymore.

Waverunner

Well-known member

Wow! How far you have come! You are amazing! I am so glad that you can see it for what it was now and the insight you have into it. Makes you stronger and hopefully you will find that relationship you deserve ie. One that is positive and caring!

Dissatisfied

Guest

I will do one day, not ready yet though - now is about looking after myself and finding out who I am and what I want from life - the right guy will come when I'm ready - I'm sure of it, as each year I'm growing into the person I wanted to be, not there yet, but each year gets a bit better than the last one.

I think my ex saw that today as well, realised I moved on, first thing he mentioned was my confidence - for some reason he thought if his women grows in confidence they would leave him, for me a person who loves you will want the best for you - in reality, for him, I reckon women date him in a vulnerable time in there life's then grow stronger and then think what the F am i doing with him, so I guess that's why he felt the need to suppress my confidence, not just suppress it, but make sure I had none of it left, but the one thing that he didn't get rid of was my hope and my spirit - the flame almost got snuffed out when I had my breakdown, but never completely - and this hope carried me through.

katya

Well-known member

I will do one day, not ready yet though - now is about looking after myself and finding out who I am and what I want from life - the right guy will come when I'm ready - I'm sure of it, as each year I'm growing into the person I wanted to be, not there yet, but each year gets a bit better than the last one.

I think my ex saw that today as well, realised I moved on, first thing he mentioned was my confidence - for some reason he thought if his women grows in confidence they would leave him, for me a person who loves you will want the best for you - in reality, for him, I reckon women date him in a vulnerable time in there life's then grow stronger and then think what the F am i doing with him, so I guess that's why he felt the need to suppress my confidence, not just suppress it, but make sure I had none of it left, but the one thing that he didn't get rid of was my hope and my spirit - the flame almost got snuffed out when I had my breakdown, but never completely - and this hope carried me through.

Wow, he sounds like such a bastard if he knows that women can only be with him when they have low confidence... That is so contrary to everything I understand that love is - like you say, you want the best for someone...

I'm so, so proud of you for changing your thinking about all of this; you're a survivor and you deserve better. That, in itself, will boost your life up on so many different levels, it's unreal. You should be really proud of that, and really proud of the way you've handled this situation. You were absolutely right to come onto the forum and express your thought process about this - because look at the conclusion you've come to.

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