Wednesday, July 7, 2010

1. I'm 24, cisfemale, perpetually kind of confused by my sexuality. Just when I think I have it pinned down into something understandable, my tastes change, and I'm stuck trying to figure it out all over again.

2. What I'm NOT confused about is that just because I'm queer and attracted to men, women, and probably other points on the gender spectrum, does not mean I'm sexually confused. When I'm attracted to somebody, I sure know it. And just because sexuality changes does not mean it's suddenly not real.

3. The confusing parts are the more interesting parts: less who I want to be having sex with than what kind of sex I want to be having.

4. It took me a lot of outside validation to realize that my body was sexually desirable. I know that's unfashionable and it all has to come from within &c., but there's nothing like being voted "Best Ass" at teenage summer camp to make you feel great about yourself.

5. I watch a lot of porn. More than most other women I know, as far as I know. It's not even just the queer-made, really quality stuff: I'll get off on free, un-PC clips from most any internet site there is. I used to feel guilty about that, but now I don't as much. Yet I will probably never admit this to anybody.

6. The first time I was sexually active with someone else, I did it because I felt like I should, not because I really wanted to. I think it's horrifying how normal this is. I was sixteen. The boy in question put me under a lot of pressure, and the experience ended up being traumatizing for me until I confronted him about it, four years later, after we'd lost touch. I do not recommend this method to everyone. I do still have a few mental scars.

7. The first time someone else made me come, I cried and cried. It was a very intense and bittersweet feeling. The only other times I've cried during sex have been with my first, and current, girlfriend. I think it's because of the depth of the emotional connections involved. Sometimes it's a glorious feeling of release. Sometimes I just wish it would not happen. It's far from always.

8. I fantasize about cheating, a lot. I've never cheated on a partner. I think it's the transgression that gets me hot. But in reality, I would never want to wound someone I loved like that.

9. Although I consider myself to be a very sexual person, I don't have as high a sex drive right now as I would like. I also have a lot of sexual shame that gets in my way. I'm trying hard to make it go away, but it's not easy.

10. I love my girlfriend and think she's incredibly sexy, but I wish I weren't her first sexual partner, because I think the aforementioned sexual shame is making it extremely difficult for me to illustrate to her the kind of sex I wish we were having more of right now: that is, no-holds-barred, down and dirty, fuck me like you don't give a shit about me sex. It's easier for me to get to that place with someone who's been there before.

11. Making this list is partially an exercise in expressing my own sexual needs, and I'm hoping it will help with the problems of #9 and #10.

12. I love eating pussy. Love. It. I will do it for days. Sucking cock, not my favorite. It's tough on my jaw and I don't like the taste. Although I enjoy the power dynamic involved (usually, me feeling subservient, but not necessarily).

13. I despair of finding one person who will fulfill all, or even most of, my sexual needs, at any point in time. I hope I find someone who's okay with that, or that I change.

14. I lost my penis-in-vagina virginity at age 20. I'm thrilled that I waited until I was absolutely and totally without a doubt ready. After the experience of #6, it felt like an incredible way of claiming my own sexual agency. I have yet to have that kind of sex with another man. (Women, on the other hand...)

15. When I was younger - between ages 15 and 21 - the thought of a serious, long-term, sexual relationship WITHOUT BDSM involved (d&s, bondage, pain play) was basically unthinkable to me. I had very strong desires to be sexually submissive. After having a relationship where that aspect of our sex life was foregrounded - and it was wonderful - I don't feel those same urges. At least, not for now. I'm afraid I'm suppressing it.

16. I'm scared of a monotonous sex life. I'm scared that I won't be able to have a long-term relationship where the sex remains hot. I'm in the longest relationship I've ever been in right now, and the sex isn't bad by any means, but it definitely needs work, and I hope I have the balls (as it were) to put in all the work I can.

17. I've personified the shamelessly sexual part of myself, and given her a name. We talk sometimes.

18. I just bought a fabulous vibrator. Writing this is making me want to use it.

19. I masturbate all the freaking time. Once a day minimum. It's not always dramatic, but I love it. I lie on my stomach, the same way I did when I first began (I was about 10 years old). I think I wouldn't have discovered masturbation, though, if we hadn't read about it in 4th grade puberty-ed class. I wondered what all the fuss was about.

20. If prostitution were legal and socially acceptable, I'd do it. If sleeping around were more socially acceptable, I'd do it more. I wish I had the balls (again... ovaries??) to just do it anyway, but quite frankly I think it's prudent for me not to. Then again, I shy away from anonymous sex (at least so far). I'm more about fucking my platonic friends, or at least people I feel comfortable with. And they're more interested in fucking me back.

21. I usually fantasize about past sexual experiences I've had. My current favorites: getting fucked by a woman with a strap-on for the first time. Giving my then-boyfriend head on the kitchen floor while being force-fed alcohol. Being fingered by a male friend from high school while two of my female friends petted my shoulders and bit my neck. Making out with one of my female college friends while one of our male friends was fingering at least me.

22. I think anal play feels amazing, but I have major hangups about asking for it. FML.

23. There's some kind of sex, something about sex, that I'm not getting right now. I really miss it, but I am just not sure what it is. This is driving me insane.

24. Most of my best-loved sexual experiences, including everything in #21, happened when I was tipsy or drunk. I'm not sure how to feel about this.

25. I'm kind of afraid that I'm going to end up life-partnered with a man and being viewed as straight, a traitor to the queer movement, with my girlfriends viewed as "a phase." Mostly I'm afraid other people will think this. I used to be more afraid that I'd think it, too, but the longer I live, the more I realize I'll always be fuckin' queer. Thank god. And I used the word "afraid" in this list way more than is necessary. What a waste of time!!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

1. I've never been in a dating relationship. I lie about this (say I have) all the time.

2. I swing between being attracted mostly to women and being attracted mostly to men. I often wonder if it's hormonal.

3. I call myself queer because I think bisexual is too specific and because I'm attracted to trans and genderqueer folks.

4. My first orgasm happened when i was 10 or 11, through masturbation. I've always been able to get myself off pretty easily.

5. I came the first time I had sex.

6. One of my fantasies is topping a man with a strap-on.

7. My mom was really intense when I was little about talking to me about what to do if I thought someone was touching me the "wrong way." Sometimes I think the reason I have a hard time with trust/intimacy stems from that conflation of sex with fear/guilt.

8. I much prefer giving hand jobs to giving blow jobs.

9. I'm attracted to all sorts of people, but one of my "types" is tall ginger-y men with beards.

10. I also really like women with short dark hair.

11. I'm really attracted to lean muscular bodies in both men and women.

12. When I was in 6th grade at a Catholic school, I gave a book report on a book that was basically a teen lesbian love story; for some reason it didn't even occur to me that it might be controversial. Luckily I had an amazing teacher who wasn't at all ruffled by it, though some of my classmates were.

13. My mom still asks me if I've "decided" whether I like women or men.

14. One of my great fears is that I will fall intensely in love with a woman and have to choose between her and a lot of really important people in my life who wouldn't be OK with me loving a woman.

15. I also still struggle with some inner homophobia and hate having to defend/justify/explain myself to people.

16. I don't want to get married and I think monogamy is an affected/unnatural lifestyle.

17. I love love love being eaten out.

18. The pressure of someone's body on top of mine is really comforting to me. It's also a lot easier for me to come that way.

19. The way I learned about the concept of bisexuality was listening to an Ani DiFranco song in the car while my dad was driving me to soccer practice when I was 10 and him turning off the tape and asking me if I understood what the song was about. I didn't really and he explained it.

20. I watch a lot of amateur porn online. I like thinking that they're real couples, really in love.

22. There was a girl in my dorm sophomore year of college who had kind of a hump back and greasy hair and was really socially awkward and hoarded cafeteria food in our common refrigerator. I used to fantasize about seducing her; something about being with someone who physically repulsed me really turned me on in a perverse way.

23. I get turned on by making overly long eye contact with people in situations where I can't be confronted about it, like when I'm on a bus and they're waiting at the bus stop for a different bus.

24. When I was 13 or 14, one of my friends and I would watch late-night softcore and masturbate together during sleepovers. We never talked about it, but we were definitely both getting off in our sleeping bags.

Monday, July 5, 2010

1. I have never been monogamous in any of my relationships. I have always cheated. I’ve tried to figure it out and I think it’s because I’m too afraid of what would happen if I actually needed someone. And then, worse, what would happen after she left me.

2. Before I was ten, I was sexually abused by three different family members.

3. When I was thirteen, I gave my boyfriend’s best friend a hand job under the table in class. It was right after my boyfriend told me he loved me.

4. The summer before high school I kissed a girl for the first time. We only did it because two boys we didn’t know told us to. Later she told me she actually liked it. I called her a “dyke” and didn’t talk to her for a year even though I liked it too.

5. The first and only time I had sex with a guy was in an alley. It was not consensual. I was fifteen.

6. I had to move to Virginia for six months because my swim coach got a little too friendly during practices. Because of him, I wasn’t able to swim in a pool without breaking down for seven years.

7. I used to love giving head to guys because I was completely in control. Which is probably why I did it all the time.

8. The first time I went down on a girl I threw up. In her.

9. For a really long time, I thought I was attracted to extremely feminine girls but it turns out I like genderqueers. With feminine girls, I get way too jealous, constantly wondering if she’s prettier than me, if she’s skinnier than me, if people look at her first…It’s a disaster.

10. I used to make out with this guy in a gang outside my apartment complex. I used to love how fast my heart would race every time a car would pass by and stare at us, wondering what we were doing.

11. I love being a tease. I think it goes back to the control thing.

12. The first girl I officially dated went to the same high school as I did. We had sex everyday. Sometimes even in class.

13. I think it’s sexy when girls squirt.

14. While I love getting my partner off, it’s really hard for me to let anyone in. Most of the time, I get her off and then I go to sleep.

15. Because of the kind of girls I like to date, this frustrates them to no end and makes me feel awful. (Which is weird because if it was a guy I’m sure I’d feel accomplished because of the whole tease thing.)

16. I love one-night stands but can’t do them sober.

17. I have dated someone I hated because the sex was amazing.

18. After my ex from high school (who was a girl), I was determined to make myself like guys freshman year of college. 25 make out sessions and 13 blowjobs later and I was still a lesbian.

19. I sometimes still think I should be with a guy because I know it would make my mom happy. And while I’ve rebelled against everything my mom has taught me, I still want to make her proud.

20. I don’t trust older men. I will go out of my way to make sure I am never alone with one.

21. Although I love vaginas (I really do), I have never seen mine. Still not sure I want to.

22. The first time I had sex with a girl I was so afraid that everyone would know. I washed my hands about twenty times and used all the soap I could find. I only stopped washing my hands because I ran out of soap.

23. Girls never hit on me but guys hit on me all the time. Because of this, I’m still afraid that I am unattractive to other girls, meaning I’ll be alone because I can’t be happy with a guy.

24. Although my first girlfriend pretty much showed me I wasn’t straight, it wasn’t until another girl came along about three years later that I realized I was gay.

25. When I was sixteen, the doctor thought I had cervical cancer. So I was in and out of the hospital a lot. In the end we learned that I have a hormonal imbalance but instead of loss of sex drive I have a heightened sex drive.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

01.) A recent post really made me think about how a lot of the people who write here think they're weird and not normal, but really there are LOTS and LOTS of people out there struggling with very similar stuff. I am like this most of the time.

02.) I am an almost 22 year old female and I'm still technically a virgin. If you define "virgin" by not being penetrated by a penis, that is.

03.) I often think obsessively about the fact that I never had a proper relationship and always ask myself what is wrong with me. I feel like the older I get the more I miss the chance of exploring and experimenting with my sexuality. I can't get rid of the feeling that something is wrong with me, I just can't figure out what.

04.) I grew up in a Catholic family, and I imagine some parts of my weird relationship with my own sexuality have to do with this. I rarely saw my parents being intimate with each other, and when I did, I remember my dad always being ashamed and acting all secretive about it. I was shocked when it fully occured to me that they were "doing it", too.

05.) When I was 7 years old my cousin and I used to have huge crushes on Paddy and Angelo Kelly. One night when she stayed at my house we were laying in bed together and took those little pieces of paper and wrote things like "PADDY = SEX" "ANGELO I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU" on them. we giggled a lot and put them under our pillows. We had forgotten about them the next day when my dad asked me in a very serious voice to come with him to his room. He then took on of my pictures of Angelo out and asked me whether I knew that boy. I didn't quite understand because he knew who it was, I had my whole wall plastered with pictures of him and listened to his music all the time. He then showed me all those little notes we had written and what they were about. I felt so ashamed I couldn't even speak. He all made it out like I had done something really really bad, and I didn't understand why, so I promised myself that day that I'd never, ever tell my parents about any of my crushes again.

06.) My first sexual encounter was with one of my best friends in elementary school. We were both 8 or 9 years old and would hang out a lot after school, and she occasionally told me that she wanted to be a nude model when she grew up. One day she asked me whether we should play a game that she called "The Model and The Photographer." Basically it went like this: the photographer has a shoot with the model, and after taking a few pictures he wants her to get naked. They both get horny and end up in bed fucking each other. Of course we didn't really know how to do "it," the fucking consisted of us kissing each other while getting off each others clothes and then pressing our bodies against each other. Even when I wasn't actually ashamed of all this back then I remember that I used to be SO afraid her parents would come home. I used to listen to every tiny noise there was very carefully and panicked every time I thought I was hearing someone.

07.) Our ways parted after elementary school. I was 10 years old and put our little games somewhere far away in my head because I started to be afraid of me being a lesbian. My parents didn't talk much about homos at home, but all I remember hearing from them was that they were somehow weird and that it was not desirable to be one. We didn't talk about masturbation either, I only remember one time when they told me that sex is something a man and a woman do together because they love each other. For a long time I thought masturbation was only for perverts, and I didn't really try it at all until I was about 15.

08.) There were these times though when my sister wanted to sit on top of me and move back and forth and rub herself against me. She had this special word she'd always use when she wanted to please herself, and that was when she could barely talk at all! I remember when I was 12 and she was 2 years old our family was staying in a house at a lake for the summer, and sometimes we'd hang out in my parent's bedroom where she used to sit on top of me, laughing. I saw it as this innocent game that it was but I also had this weird feeling once in my crotch, and of course I felt guilty immediately.

09.) I feel guilty for a lot of things in my life, and of course sexuality is one of them. My youth went by without ever having dates, and I started to think that there was something incredibly wrong with me. All of my friends dated or at least had someone that liked them, so why didn't I? I never played any kissing games like Truth or Dare or Spin The Bottle, so I didn't get kissed at all. At almost 17 I kind of panicked.

10.) I was on vacation with my 4 best girl friends at that time. We were staying in a hostel and one evening got really really drunk. We had been hanging out with these older boys all night, they paid for everything for us. I remember sitting there with one of them and he grabbed my ass, which I found really weird. I didn't know what to do, so I just let it happen. A few moments later we were kissing already, or rather shoving our tongues into each other's throats. I don't remember much except thinking "WOW I can't believe I'm kissing someone FINALLY " and asking myself why everyone made such a fuss about it. That whole evening is a blur in my memory because I was really wasted, but I remember that all my friends were watching and that the next morning I was feeling ashamed for what I did. I never, ever wanted to see that guy again and thankfully I didn't. I remember I heard my friends talking about it when I was in the bathroom, but they didn't talk to me about it, at all. I guess it was nothing, because my best friend used to kiss different boys every weekend, but for me it was kind of a big deal. Even though I felt ashamed I also felt kind of proud and thought that now everything was different, that things would change for me now and I would start having an exciting sexual life from now on.

11.) Back home, my dad kept asking me whether I had a boyfriend. I think he finally wanted evidence that I wasn't gay. I didn't reply to his questions because of #05, but I was getting nervous myself.

12. ) In my last year of highschool people started talking behind my back whether I was a lesbian. My best friend from #10 even thought I was in love with her, which illustrates perfectly what kind of person she was. I told her If I was I would tell her, but I think she didn't quite believe me. Even if I wasn't in love with her, I didn't quite believe myself either.

13.) That was because the summer before my last year of highschool had started I was home alone when my family was on vacation, and I watched lesbian porn online for the first time. I was 17 years old and I didn't know how my clitoris worked, let alone know how to masturbate properly. I used to always rub myself down there a bit, or rub myself against a pillow, but that was about it. I watched a lot of "The L Word" that summer and it really got me horny. I read instructions online how to masturbate and those instructions already made me really wet. I was sitting on my bed naked, following every step they were describing, and suddenly I had to lay down because my clit was sending those shivers through my whole body. When I didn't stop it got more and more until I started moaning and groaning, I felt like my eyes were rolling back in my head and my head would explode and I couldn't think anything. I still remember every little detail about it because it was so intense. I was totally amazed of what my body was able to do. I remember making a diary entry just after it happened saying something like "WOW what was this?! i want MORE."

14.) Seeing girls kiss really turned me on back then (it still does). At the same time I had this huge crush on a guy that was a few years older than me, and I was really confused. How could I be a lezzo if I still liked that boy? I started masturbating thinking of him. I had met him through the internet originally but shortly after I first wrote to him we met in real life. I remember being so excited that I wasn't myself around him, at all.

15.) At that same time I started talking to a girl online who I felt I had a lot in common with. She was the only one I talked to about that crush I had on that boy, because I didn't feel like I could trust my highschool friends anymore. I didn't feel like I could trust anyone except her.

16.) After a few months I got really obsessed with her, and she got obsessed with me as well. We were talking every day for hours, about everything. I think my mum started to get worried that I was an internet addict at that time. That girl was the first and only person I ever fully opened up to. She knew everything about me, even about the girl from #06, which I tried to not to think about since I left elementary school, let alone talk about. We were talking on the phone now too, telling each other that we were in love all the time. We also started to say how horny we were for each other and what we'd do to each other if we met. Thinking about it now I am not sure whether I really was in love with her or rather with the feeling of being desired for the first time in my life. I was so horny I almost exploded.

17.) She was the first person I could talk with openly about my sexuality. As I had a lot of catching up to do, we were talking about masturbation and being horny a lot. She also got me into masturbating in the shower. When I first discovered how well it worked I started showering a few times a day, thinking of her.

18.) I decided to visit her, even when she literally lived on the other side of the world. I could not think of anything else. I felt like if I didn't meet her my life would make no sense anymore. After my graduation, I started working and saving the money for my trip. When I was finally able to book a flight, I told my parents that I needed to get out of this town for a while to focus on myself and what I wanted to do with my life, which was not a lie at all.

19.) The whole flight I was thinking about how this was so unreal. I couldn't believe I was actually visiting her. When we first met we both were so excited we could hardly speak. We would just hug and then sit in the car next to each other talking about casual stuff. When we got to her house we would sit around for a while and talk. Then suddenly she started crying for some reason. I sat next to her and patted her head and back and then hugged her. She sobbed into my shoulder and after a while started kissing my neck. We both giggled and then started kissing properly and couldn't stop. It was better than I could have hoped and it made me so wet immediately that I wanted to fuck her that very moment. I consider this being my first kiss rather than the one from #10. I remember every little detail about that moment, the music that played in the background, and how soft her lips felt, and how happy I was. I was 19 years old.

20.) That night I also lost my virginity to her. We would stay up all night talking and kissing and fucking and it was so incredibly great. Thinking about it now it feels like it happened in another life. Finally someone saw me as the woman I was, not just the little cute girl. I am quite tiny and have a childlike face, which always lets people think I am younger than I actually am, and it annoyed me a lot back then. It still does sometimes. Being with that girl also meant being taken seriously. Finally I could just let all my horniness out without being ashamed of it. While I was with her I learned so much about myself and what I liked. I never imagined that my ears are that sensitive to a tongue, and that getting them licked makes me wet instantly, or that my pussy is really tiny compared to others. I really want to learn more stuff like this about myself.

21.) She was living in a house with her boyfriend, a really nice guy. He was a redhead. I find redheads incredibly sexy. I knew about him before I visited her, and he knew about me, but we both were ok with each other. I think he might even had a little crush on me, and so had I. The three of us would always lay in bed together talking or eating or watching movies. I usually went to my room to sleep though, because I had (and still have) a hard time sleeping with others in the room. One night after we were watching a movie I was too tired to get up and go over, so I just stayed there. It was late and we all said goodnight to each other and tried to go to sleep. I was suddenly awake, though, when she started kissing me. Like most of the time, we couldn't stop. She was lying in the middle, with me and him on either side, and I think the sound of us kissing made him really horny. She started to touch me everywhere, but after a while it wasn't only her hands I felt. At first I thought he must have mistaken me for her in the dark, because we were basically wrapped around each other, and I felt guilty because he probably didn't realize it either and would feel bad for it afterwards, but when they started kissing as well and he still touched me I realized it was intentional. I can't tell you how how wet it made me to feel 2 pairs of hands, especially when one of them belonged to a boy and the other one to a girl. We all were naked suddenly and he started to eat us both out, then I fingerfucked her, then I kissed him, then he fingerfucked me, then they fucked while I was sitting on top of her, kissing and caressing her breasts and face. Then they both watched me masturbating. It went on like this for a while. She had to go to the toilet, and we were sitting there naked, looking at each other. I was kind of shy but also really horny, and so was he. He touched my nipples and rubbed them between his fingers, and then he showed me his hard penis. He said I could touch it, which I did. It was hot and hard and pounding and I found it really fascinating, not gross or anything. I don't know what would have happened if she hadn't come back. I kind of wish he would have fucked me too. I often masturbate thinking we would have gone all the way from that short moment. Also, I wouldn't be a virgin anymore now, which I am technically, and which kind of bothers me. I would have also loved to give him head.

22.) Afterwards, she and I showered together. It still makes me pretty excited to think about it, and about that whole night, because nothing was planned, it just happened very naturally. We did it a few more times and I loved it to bits. Once I sat on her face, which made us all so incredibly horny it was ridiculous. Another time I was watching her giving him head, and although she was kind of grossed out I though it was extremely sexy.

23.) This was almost 3 years ago. Even though I didn't stay a whole year with them because it didn't all work out, I really miss that time, and I fantasize a lot about threesomes. I would love to have some more, but I don't know how to get people to want it too and to want to do it with me. I'm pretty awkward at stuff like this. I just don't know how to address it. I never talk to anyone about all this stuff, not even to my best friend.

24.) Just now I know for a fact that one of my friends has a little crush on me. I think she really wants to be with someone, but I just want to get laid. The fact that she likes me makes me wish she was my fuck buddy, but it would be kind of mean if she wanted more. Which I'm not really sure of. I'd just like to kiss her and do a lot of naughty stuff to her but again I don't know how to get to that point. There was one moment once when we were sitting next to each other, our arms slightly touched and I could literally feel the sexual tension between us. We were comparing birthmarks and she took my arm and looked at it and counted my birthmarks and I kind of wish I would have kissed her then. I've had sex dreams about her already and I think about telling her all the time so then we can go and do it for real. I think too much about stuff and always try to work out strategies, I wish I could just let it go and DO things.

25.) I don't consider myself a lesbian, but I don't consider myself a bisexual either. I just like all kinds of people. If you are a nice person, I will like you. I never understood the concept of coming out. It's totally fine if others need it, but to me it means that you have to tell everyone that you're different from them, which kind of implies for me that being hetero is the norm and being homo is abnormal. It is just not such a big deal to me that I don't only like boys.