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More Letting Go

The requirements for our evolution have changed. Survival is no longer sufficient. Our evolution now requires us to develop spiritually – to become emotionally aware and make responsible choices. It requires us to align ourselves with the values of the soul – harmony, cooperation, sharing, and reverence for life. ~ Gary Zukav

As I wrote yesterday’s post I was emotional. That’s usually a sign that I need to stop writing, process the emotions that are there and then… go forward. I was emotional because it’ hard coping with this ‘new normal’. When I am reminded of the life that H and I ‘wanted’ to live – I get sad because it’s not the life we ‘are’ living and I know it must be very difficult for H if it’s hard for me.

In this year of Cancer, I’ve learned so much. I’ve learned a lot about H but more about myself. I’ve learned about my friends and family. I’ve learned more about people and thoughts and feelings. It’s been an education on so many different levels.

There are a lot of little hurts that happen and accumulate when life is hard. There are people who aren’t ‘there’ in the way you may have imagined. There are disappointments about plans that have to be changed or canceled. There are misunderstandings because we may not communicate well when stressed. There are hopes and dreams that move from vivid to blurry.

I was ironing some napkins (don’t be impressed – they are cotton and I left them in the dryer)… and thinking about letting go… I use a lot of techniques already to ‘let go’ of old stuff – techniques that work well but… what about the stuff that isn’t necessarily old?

I had a small epiphany… for a lot of things, letting go isn’t a one and done thing!! Some of you may have already acquired this knowledge and bless you… life must be easier for you since garnering this tidbit.

I realized that every morning when I wake up I need to LET GO of the things that are still there that day. It’s not like the dismay that I had to release regarding ex-Hubby or the anger I felt over the betrayal of Abee… H’s cancer is there EVERY DAY. It burdens him and affects our life every day. I realized that I need to practice letting go more religiously.

I thought of the sentiment ‘Let go and let God’… I think… let God what? Is God going to heal H? is God going to introduce me to someone else to grow old with? Is God going to give H more strength and comfort TODAY so that he has a quality of life? I know there aren’t any answers to these questions and even the devout Christians that I admire and love will tell me that God has a plan for this – jeez… I even believe that the Universe (God?) will help us find value in this experience. And so, without specific answers to these questions, I realized today that I need to practice – as in doing over and over again – the act of ‘letting go’.

When I think about what I am letting go of – I think it may be a couple of things….

A specific outcome

I want H to live, to retire with me, to travel with me, and comfort me. I hear the word “I” a lot when I think about how this ‘should’ play out and I feel guilty about that, although I know it’s quite normal. I have no idea what H’s journey is – what karmic agreement he has with the Universe and/or what God’s plan is for him. I get caught up in the things that we talked about – the things that ‘feel’ good to me and I want our story to have a theme very different than the one that is playing.

The need to control

Because I want all of those ‘things’ – I believe I can help them come to fruition if only I was in control of his health…

I use the analogy of fixing H a salad for dinner if I am going to be home late. I get home – see the salad still in the fridge and freak out because he didn’t eat. My mind does this … I see the salad – it means H didn’t eat – which means he didn’t get the nutrients his immune system needs – which means his immune system won’t work – meaning cancer will grow – which means he will die – leaving me alone and unloved.

Yup… that’s what my mind does in a manner of nanoseconds. H doesn’t stand a chance because I see the salad and go right to I’ll be alone and unloved. (hear all that abandonment??) And so – in an effort to prevent all those negative feelings – I try and control for them. I make a salad with lots of nutrients and ask him to eat. Sometimes, he doesn’t want the salad, sometimes, he just doesn’t want to eat.

I realize that I am trying to control his health – and can’t. Just that simple… I need to let go of my need to control his health.

My feelings

I need to let go of my feelings. I tell people all the time not to judge their feelings – I wrote about it the other day and yet on my walk today I realized that I feel guilty about having such strong feelings because I’m not the one who has cancer. I’m not the one struggling physically although I readily acknowledge that it has a dramatic effect on both of us because we are partners.

The realization that it isn’t a one and done venture is most important here. The feelings I had yesterday when I saw him struggling to get up, I worked at letting those go yesterday. But the feelings I had today when he complained of pain that is unexplainable… I need to ‘let go’ again. I need to be better about remembering to ‘let go’ – to imagine myself as a funnel – to detach from the fear and observe it moving in… and out… away…

My fear

Death is a bizarre thing for those of us who keep living… one minute you’re there… the next – you’re not. Sometimes, we experience the absence of the person who died in a physical way, a physiological pain. I’ve heard about it from parents who lost a child and from children who lost a parent, from spouses who lost their lovers and I remember the feeling acutely… a minute that never ends – only lessens in intensity. I’ve realized that I am afraid of having that experience again. It’s not here yet and maybe it won’t come. Hopefully, it won’t come… because I remember how intense it was and I realize how hard I am resisting its return.

My new mantra… “I am letting go of my fear, my feelings, my control and the outcome and I will trust that the lessons here have value”. If you know me… remind me of this!

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5 thoughts on “More Letting Go”

OMG, Leslyn! Today’s post was what I needed. Thank you! I know it’s not the same as dear Harlan’s cancer, but I’m living with a full blown alcoholic. I find myself doing EXACTLY what you’ve described. Your comments and “new mantra” I feel CERTAIN, will be so helpful to me! Love to you.

Leslyn, you MUST and I use that on purpose internalize that I am ALWAYS here for you BOTH!!!! Always. Fear of what may be is with me every day for you both. Harlan and you ate on our church prayer list — even if I am not the strongest believer in God. You are living and exemplifying to so many others a life fully lived and challenged every day. Stay strong and know that your writings ste helping you and many others. Love always, H.

LESLYN, Even tho I will be seeing you next week here at JP, I feel compelled today to tell you how profoundly I have been touched by your “This Is Leslynn” postings. I have begun to copy and put in a notebook those that have “spoken” to me. My receipt of my very first one was the “New Normal”. As I sat crying at what I was reading, it brought back the memories of being told I had cancer and my reactions as well as those of my family and then to learn to cope with the radiation caused back problem. Then what followed was the next day’s posting of “More Letting Go” …In every sentence you were speaking to me and my feelings of the sudden death of my husband in front of my eyes in my living room twenty eight years ago. Trying to let go of my feelings of “unfairness”, the fear of coping with all that was ahead. Then…a few days later, your posting of the Women’s March in Washington! Thinking of my metamorphosis at UD serving on the Commission on the Status of Women…lowly salaried staff “me”. If I could have, walker and all, I would have walked beside you, every step of the way.

You will continue to be that voice on my shoulder validating my thoughts, fears and feelings…a notebook filled with wise words. I could not continue to read your postings without thanking you for sharing your thoughts with me and hopefully all of those who needed to hear them as much as I did.

My thoughts will be with you every day and I will be grateful that I now know that someone truly understands and validates the “me” that I thought “no one would ever truly understand” …..the daughter of an alcoholic abusive father, the wife of a wonderful husband, the growth to the person I am today…the 86 year old woman who has survived and has lived far beyond what she thought life would hold for her.

Thank you so much for being you, the wise and wonderful, yet human, Leslyn.

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