Michael Ballaban

Chevys (Chevy's? Chevies?) have come a long way since back in the day. Now you can get them with all sorts of fancy gizmos, like magnetic ride control, plug-in hybrid systems, and heads-up displays. But in 1971, you'd be ever-so-grateful that your Chevy Monte Carlo came with a proper entryway.

If you don't believe me, just listen to the appreciative words of Hawaiian Eye (not to be confused with that other Hawaii-based cop show, Hawaii Five-0. Really, what is it with cop shows and Hawaii? Is Hawaii a particularly crime-ridden place? Somebody get back to me on this) star Anthony Eisley:

The Chevrolet Monte Carlo door has a curved window,

Oh cool, a window.

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acrylic lacquer finish,

Paint.

a steel side-guard beam,

Well at least it's not made of cardboard.

a map pocket,

Sweet, a map pocket.

Carpeted scuff panel, elegant upholstery, and a vinyl assist grip.

It's got a strap. A goddamn strap.

All at no extra cost!

Hot damn, and here I was thinking I'd have to pay more for the parts of a door that typically come with a door.

If you get that much in a door, imagine what you get in a car.

At this point, I'm imagining I should thank my lucky stars if it comes with four wheels and a big round thing in the driver's seat which I could use to steer the car about with.

It's kind of weird that these are the selling points that Chevrolet used to advertise its personal luxury car. Instead of door parts, let's list some actual features you could get in a 1971 Chevrolet Monte Carlo:

- A 365 gross horsepower 454 CID V8

Really that's the only one that sounds pretty neat to today's ears, if I'm being honest. But still! It was something. The first gas crisis had yet to hit, and big power from a big engine was definitely a selling point. And hey, if you're so convinced that your competition is a Willys Jeep that you need to sell your product based on its doors, then that 454 should blow anything else out of the water.