Last week, the United States Supreme Court decreed that the limits of $5,200 in campaign donation to a single candidate, and $123,200 to all candidates in an election cycle are unconstitutional because these limits represent a restriction on the constitutionally protected free speech. The decision made it possible to donate up to $3.6 million during an election cycle. I’m sure many of you felt frustrated by the burdensome regulation that prohibited you from donating more than $123,000 to the candidates of your choice… Not many of you? Wait, not even one of you? Well, apparently someone did feel constrained by these few campaign finance restrictions remaining after Supreme Court’s 2010 Citizens United decision that money equals free speech and that corporations are people. Here are 10 reactions to the latest Court’s decision on campaign finance and free speech.

1)Vladimir Putin, president of Russia: Thank you, Supreme Court! Thank you! Now I know that don’t have to spend $100-$200 billions to prepare for the new Cold War, I just need $10-$20 billions to buy up all the American politicians and win it.

2)Average Republican voter: I’m also happy with this decision. I am absolutely, positively sure that whenever a wealthy job creator gives a few million dollars to a Republican candidate, he does so because he genuinely has my best interests in mind.

3)Susan P. Stein, curator of Thomas Jefferson museum at Monticello: We have temporarily suspended all tours to the Jefferson family’s burial plot due to the complaints of some strange noises heard there. It sounds like something is rolling underground.

4)Republican National Committee: To celebrate the Supreme Court’s decision, we will hold a special Red Thursday sale on all Republican candidates! Perfect for both running errands and for entertaining your dinner guests with their outrageous antics! Get them while supplies last! And don’t miss this amazing deal: 50% off on all used candidates like Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney!

5)Lawrence T. Elliot, high-profile criminal defense lawyer: Since the Supreme Court has established that money is speech, I, instead of bothering to argue a criminal case for my affluent clients in court, will just be able to donate a few million dollars to the judge.

6)Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice: Unfortunately, our decision still left in place most of the restrictions on the free speech. Look, $3.6 million limit per donor is still an infringement on free speech. Asking donors to disclose their donations – certainly an infringement on free speech. And, finally, making it illegal for politicians to promise special favors in exchange for large donations – well, that sounds a lot like free speech infringement to me.

7)Armed Patriots For White Power, a militia organization: This was a very encouraging decision, and it gives us hope that today’s Supreme Courts will soon recognize political assassination as a form of protected free speech.

8)Republican National Committee: We have been trying to eradicate voter fraud from elections since 2008 – and the Court’s decision has finally offered us the solution to the problem of people just not getting our message and still showing up to vote. Why can’t we just have decide the winner of all future elections by whoever raises the most money?

9)List of X: I was planning to continue this list to 10 items, but then I realized that my standard of writing exactly 10 numbered items is nothing but a restriction on my free speech, and I’m just not going to stand for it.

19,221.61) So there.

On a personal note… Last Friday, my blogging buddy and Galactic Empire stormtrooper TwinDaddy has made my blog a target of his Stuphblog’s Feature Friday series where he spotlights his favorite bloggers. I was both honored and perplexed that I was even considered for this exclusive club – but what floored me the most is that TwinDaddy actually wrote a list of 10 reasons why you should follow List of X. Since I myself can’t think of a single reason why you should follow me, I suggest that you read them in his post. Please don’t forget to check out his entertaining Stuphblog and follow it, because if you don’t, it means that you do not respect TwinDaddy’s right to free speech and hate the Constitution.

Don’t forget to leave a comment – or just send me a check, because, as you know now, money is speech, too.

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About List of X

An Ostensibly Funny Commentary* of the Recent News and Events.
(* warning! may not actually be funny or a commentary. Also, since I am not quite sure what "ostensibly" means, it might not be "ostensibly" either.)
Blogging at listofx.com

Thank you, but as I said, I’m a little afraid of following you, because I do a lot of blog reading at work, while sitting just across from my boss, and I don’t want to be caught staring at your hot topless photos. I come and read you at night, assuming I’m still not at work.

A bank vault full of money +++ was poured into Mitt Romney’s campaign and look how that turned out. The Koch brothers might just as well have set all that money on fire for all the good it did. Without sane candidates, none of it matters.

Twin Daddy is insanely generous with his real estate. He’s constantly promoting the work of others. The man is an angel, I tell ya.

I think that money still matters a lot in elections, especially in smaller elections where you have two flawed and more or less unknown candidates. In those cases, money can really help to amplify the faults of the “wrong” candidate. It’s not a guarantee of anything, but if it adds a few percentage points to the final vote count, that can be just enough to win.

Don’t get me wrong…I hate the Supreme Court’s decisions on election financing. If money didn’t matter, politicians wouldn’t pursue it with such vigor. I just think it’s a riot when millions are poured into a campaign and it’s all for nothing. That amuses me.

Thumping of their lives was 2010. I expect that this time it will be merely unpleasant – 2010 was when Kenyan Muslim socialist president was a novelty and Obamacare was a disaster.
Speaking of which, what happened to with your Obamacare debacle? Were you able to find anything?

I’m waiting to hear if a job interview I went on a week ago will result in an offer. If they hire me, I’ll have full benefits and I’ll have to find something else to complain about. (Don’t worry. I will.) If they hire someone else, I’ll have to buy a market-rate insurance policy and slowly be bled of what money I’ve managed to save. Stay tuned and thanks for asking. It shows you’re paying attention.

Great stuff, X. I’d like to request a Canadian post in the future, if that is possible. I’d like to see you have a go at our side of the border. Especially Quebec (impending election today, separation on the books as a possible topic).

Probably does, honestly. Or starting to seem that way. Although the Liberals took a majority in Quebec yesterday. The Parti Quebecois that preceded them had initiated something called the Charter of Values, basically banning religious clothing/items for anyone in the public service. That now falls away. So does a referendum on separation. I swear, sometimes the Quebecois believe they are Scottish.

I would think a number of Quebecois got cold feet about voting to separate from Canada, after they saw what happened to Crimea after it declared independence.
I don’t know how much of this was a joke, but Canada does have a large Ukrainian diaspora.

Canada has a large component of international populations that often make the list of “second-largest populations in the world”. Lots centred in and around Toronto. If we have any greatness as a nation, it’s because of that.

I’m looking forward to the koch brothers rebuttal of this post.
AND IT WILL BE THE BEST BLOG POST MONEY CAN BUY!!!
(No, they don’t get capital letters.)
(Hell, they’ve already got a ll the rest of the capital.)

I would love to find Clarence Thomas on a dark street and kick him directly in the nads, I am afraid though it would do zero damage. That wonder of zero balls, I would be far better served to kick his wife where his balls are then shove Scalia’s head up his azz. There I am done ranting.

Just . . . I don’t . . . even . . . what . .. I . . . yeah, apparently this has left my free speech speechless. I mean, some people might call that buying an election, but in Republicspeak it’s free speech! How does money equal speech?

Great list. This is obviously a big concern and you have laid out the lowlights concisely and with a good dose of funny. In Canada, all elections are decided through naked wrestling. Televised naked wrestling. Physical combat in its purest form. And weeds out anyone who is even slightly homophobic.

I think Clarence Thomas’s position on free speech is the most consistent of the Court: no matter who is speaking before the court, Justice Thomas will religiously respect the speaker’s 1st Amendment right and will never interrupt them even with the most innocent of questions.

I saw something about this in the news the other day and quickly turned the channel. I just don’t care anymore. I figure to get elected in this country you have to be dirty somehow, beholden to someone. The campaign finance limits that were in place weren’t helping curtail that, it just made people think of more clever ways to buy their politicians. The whole system is absurd and won’t get better until it is scrapped entirely and built up again from scratch.

I partially agree with the your attitude, but, unfortunately, many of those politicians would only be happy to hear that you don’t care. Because the less you care, the easier for this corruption to continue, and the easier for these politician to make laws that will eventually come back to hurt you. To expect that the system gets scrapped and rebuilt anew is unrealistic (doesn’t stop me from hoping as well), because the people who run the system are pretty happy with it. So the only short-term solution is to show up on the election day and vote for whoever stinks less, Maybe if we do that enough times, we can purge the system of the worst of it.

I remember that phrase. But I don’t think that corporations are interested in being recognized as people – they just want the people’s rights, without any of the obligations. (Like getting executed by Texas, for example.)

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