Synopsis:
A delightful panto set in Lewis Carrol's fantastical Wonderland and featuring many of the well-known characters, such as The White Rabbit, Tweedle Dum & Tweedle Dee, The King & Queen of Hearts, The Caterpillar, Cheshire Cat and more. Alice is tired from collecting strawberries and falls 'asleep' underneath a tree. When she wakes, she spots the White Rabbit and follows him down a rabbit hole into Wonderland. There, the Knave of Spades has designs on marrying Princess Ruby of Hearts and ruling Wonderland, but first he must get his hands on a golden heart made from gold from the Wizard of Muddleup Wood’s magic goldmine. He intends to use the heart together with the White Rabbit's gold watch, to make an evil spell to achieve his aim. He hypnotises Dum & Dee and gets them to capture the White Rabbit and bring him to his castle. In order to save Wonderland, Alice and her friends must obtain another golden heart from the Wizard and place it in the Grand Shield of Wonderland before the Knave places his black heart there. On the way through Muddleup Wood, Alice and her mother encounter spaced-out hippies trying to find their way to Glastonbury and join the Mad Hatter and March Hare, for an outrageously funny tea-party. And everyone is constantly frustrated by the Joker's hopeless sat-nav. This award-winning panto contains all the elements of traditional pantomime, plus the sort of madcap antics and scenes that you would expect of a panto set in Wonderland.

Roles:
13 principals plus 2 smaller roles for the Mad Hatter and March Hare’s one big scene. Also one small scene each for the Cheshire Cat and The Caterpillar. Plus a chorus who also appear throughout the script as hippies, with many speaking lines.

Runtime:
All of our scripts have a runtime of approx 120 minutes, assuming that you use the full number of suggested musical numbers and not including any interval. But this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit.

Music:
All of our pantomimes come with a full, suggested songs and music cues and SFX list.

A cut-out tree can be placed in front of tabs near wing (SL) next to a cut-out ‘rabbit hole’ and both can be removed during blackout. Otherwise Alice can sit on a small log/stool next to wing and Rabbit and Alice can just exit as normal.

Alice enters (SR) carrying a basket of strawberries.

Alice
(sings) #Are you going to Scarborough fair, parsley sage rosemary and thyme# (spots audience) Oh, hello. My name’s Alice. I’m just out collecting strawberries for tea, but I’ve walked miles now and I’m rather tired. (yawns) I think I’ll have a little rest before I set off home. (sits down under the tree and falls asleep)

Lights dim and UV lights on to enhance the dreamlike scene. Music cue 1: Chorus or Children enter dressed as fantasy creatures (colourful flying insects could be lowered from above for added effect during this scene) Alice ‘wakes’ and moves (CS) marvelling at all the strange creatures as they dance around her and leads the song. After song ends…All exit leaving Alice alone onstage. UV lights off and dimmed lighting on.

Alice
(watching them exit) How curious.

SFX: Cartoon style running/whizzing sound.

The White Rabbit runs on (SR) wearing a shoulder bag across his body, containing a golden heart.

W. Rabbit
I’m late! I’m late!

Alice
Hello Mr Rabbit.

W. Rabbit
Can’t stop! I’m late! Goodbye!

Alice
Wait, please!

The White Rabbit stops.

Alice
Why are you in such a hurry?

W. Rabbit
(sings) I’m late! I’m late! For a very important date. No time to say ‘hello’ goodbye, I’m late-I’m-late-I’m late!” (checks his pocket watch) Oh my ears and whiskers, I’m later than ever now!

Joker
I say, I say! What’s red and wobbly and flies in the air? Give up? A jellycopter! (falls about laughing)

Wonderlanders groan.

W’lander 1
Give it a rest Wally.

Joker
But it’s my job to get everyone in a happy mood, ready to cheer the Queen of Hearts when she arrives. If she doesn’t get the welcome she expects, she’ll have my head. Couldn’t you at least force a titter?

W’lander 1
If that’s the best they can do, you’re definitely gonna lose your head, Wally.

Joker
(confident) I haven’t even warmed up yet. (to audience) Hi there, my name’s Wally and I’m the royal Joker. Every time I come on and shout ‘hiya folks’ I want you all to shout back ‘tell us a joke, you funny bloke’, and I’ll tell you one of my brilliant jokes. Okay? (audience respond) Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks! (audience respond) That wasn’t very good was it? Now listen boys and girls. I had a word with your mums and dads on the way in and they’ve all agreed that you can shout as loud as you want today. Tomorrow you’ll have to be quiet because they’ll all have hangovers. Let’s have another go. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks! (audience respond) I don’t think the mums and dads were joining in, were they boys and girls. We’ll have another go and this time make sure they all join in. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks! (audience respond) I say, I say! My mother-in-law has just gone to Moscow.

W’lander 2
Is she Russian?

Joker
No, she’s taking her time! (laughs)

Wonderlanders groan.

Joker
I’d better get to the palace before the queen sets off. See you later folks. (exits SL)

W’lander 3
Poor Wally. It must be dreadful working for the Queen of Hearts, knowing that any day you could get the chop.

W’lander 4
(drawing a finger across their throat) Literally.

Alice crawls on (SR)

Alice
Mr Rabbit, where are you? (realises she can stand) Thank goodness I can stand again. That rabbit hole was ever so cramped. (sees the Wonderlanders) Oh, hello. You haven’t seen a white rabbit have you?

W’lander 5
No but I’ve seen a red herring.

W’lander 1
I once saw a dark horse.

W’lander 2
And last night I saw a pink elephant.

W’lander 3
Yes but you had just come out of the…(local pub)…dear.

Dame Milly enters (SL)

Dame Milly
There you are Alice! I’ve been looking all over for you. You’re late for your tea again.

Alice
Sorry mum.

SFX: Cartoon style running whizzing sound.

White Rabbit runs on (USL)

Dame Milly
Oh look, it’s the Easter Bunny.

W. Rabbit
(stops and checks his watch) Oh my, I’m late for the royal wedding!

Dame Milly
Royal wedding! Is Prince Harry getting married now? (or other royal)

Alice
No mum, the Princess of Hearts is marrying the Prince of Diamonds.

Dame Milly
The Princess of Hearts and the Prince of Diamonds…’marrying’. (laughs) Oh Alice, you are a card.

W. Rabbit
(checks watch again) I’m late! Goodbye! (exits SR)

Alice
Wait Mr Rabbit! (exits after the White Rabbit)

Dame Milly
(calls after her) Alice! (annoyed) That’s it, I’ve had enough I’m not running after her anymore. Who wants to go to a stuffy old royal wedding anyway?

Music cue 3: Lights dim and Knave of Spades enters (SL)

Knave
Did I hear someone mention a ‘royal wedding’?

Dame Milly
With ears like that, you could hardly have missed it.

Knave
So who is getting married?

Dame Milly
Well if you believe the rumours, the Princess of Hearts and the Prince of Diamonds.

Knave
Curses!

Dame Milly
Don’t tell me you’re late as well.

Knave
I should be marrying the Princess!

Dame Milly
Are you a vicar, then?

Knave
No! I should be the royal groom!

Dame Milly
Never mind, I’m sure there are plenty of other stables you can work at.

Knave
(pointing at her) With a face like that, it’s you who ought to be in stables.

Dame Milly
How dare you! Just who are you anyway?

Knave
I am the Knave of Spades. The King of Hearts and I had an understanding, that one day his daughter and I would marry. But it seems that he’s gone back on his word.

Alice
Why did you tell him where the White Rabbit went, mum? I don’t like the look of him.

Dame Milly
Never judge people by appearances Alice. I thought he was an ugly ner-do-well at first, until I started to notice his better qualities.

Alice
When?

Dame Milly
The moment he mentioned ‘handsome reward’.

Music cue 4: Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee enter (SL)

Dame Milly
Eh-up, it’s the Chuckle Brothers.

Dee
(to Milly) Hello to you.

Dum
(to Alice) Hello to you.

Dee
(to Milly) Hello to you again.

Dum
We’ll introduce ourselves if we may.

Dee
Or if you like we’ll go away.

Dum
I’m Tweedle Dum.

Dee
I’m Tweedle Dee.

Dum & Dee
And Tweedly twins are what we be.

Dum
(to Milly) Now who are you?

Dee
(to Alice) And who are you?

Dum
(to Milly) And who are you again?

Dame Milly
(points to herself and Alice in turn) I’m me, that’s her - that’s her, I’m me - but I’m not her and she’s not me. I can be silly too you see.

Dee
And very well you do it too.

Dum
A little recitation entitled ‘Father William’.
‘You are old father William’ the young man said. (an Old Man enters SR)
‘And your hair it has grown very white
And yet you incessantly stand on your head (Old Man tries standing on his head)
Do you think at your age it is right’?

Dame Milly
(to Old Man) I think ‘aerobics for octogenarians’ is next door, love.

The Old Man finally gives up exits (SR) shaking his head

Dee
Another recitation entitled ‘The Sea.’
I must go down to the sea again,
To the lonely sea and sky.
I left my vest and pants on the beach,
And I want to see if they’re dry.

Alice
(to Dum & Dee) Excuse me, but you haven’t seen a White Rabbit have you?

Dum
That is correct - we haven’t.

Alice
Only I was chasing him just now.

Dee
Are you hunting him?

Dum
With a spear?

Dee
With a gun?

Dum
Or perhaps, a sticky bun?

Alice
No, he’s going to the royal wedding and I’d like to go too. Only I don’t know the way.

Dee
There’s only one way in Wonderland.

Dame Milly
And which way’s that?

Dum
The Queen’s way of course.

Dee
She makes the law and sets the rules.

Dum
And we obey ‘cos we’re no fools.

Queen
(off) Out of my way!

Alice
Who is that?

Dee
It’s the Queen of Hearts!

Alice
She sounds angry.

Dum
She’s always angry.

Dee
Not at all like the Queen of Diamonds

Dum
Or the Queen of Clubs.

Dee
Or the Queen of Spades.

Dame Milly
Blimey, this place has more Queens than an Elton John party.

Queen
(off) Out of my way!

Dum
(to Dee) Shall we scarper, brother?

Dee
That would be prudent.

Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee turn to Alice and Milly.

Dum
(to Alice) Goodbye to you.

Dee
(to Milly) Goodbye to you.

Dum
(to Alice) Goodbye to you again.

Dum and Dee exit (SR)

Wally enters (SL)

Joker
Hiya folks! (audience respond) I say, I say! What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!

Dame Milly
And that was about as funny.

Joker
(to Milly) Who are you?

Dame Milly
I’m Dame Milly and this is my beautiful daughter, Alice.

Joker
(to Alice) Pleased to meet you Alice.

Alice
Likewise, Mr…?

Joker
Pratt. Wally M. Pratt.

Alice
What’s the M for?

Joker
It’s a motorway from London to Bristol. (laughs) Ha-ha-ha! I’ve got a million of ‘em.

Dame Milly
And if they’re anything like that, you can keep them.

Joker
I’m the royal joker and it’s my job to get everyone in a happy mood, before the King and Queen arrive.

Dame Milly
You’ll have your work cut out with this lot. (indicates audience) They all look as though they’ve lost a tenner and found 10p.

Joker
I’ll soon have them rolling in the aisles, watch. (to audience) I say, I say! What sort of bees live in a graveyard? Give up? Zom-bees! (mimics a zombie)

Dame Milly
Speaking of the undead. (indicating audience) Where did they dig this lot up?

SFX: Royal fanfare.

The Queen of Hearts sweeps on (SL) tamely followed by the King of Hearts.

Joker
Three cheers for their majesties! Hip-hip-hooray! Hip-hip-hooray! Hip-hip-hooray!

Queen
That wasn’t much of a welcome!

King
(weakly) I thought it was all right dear.

Queen
(snaps) When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you!

King
(cowers) Yes dear, thank you dear.

Joker
(to Queen) I’m sorry your majesty, but this audience appear to have left their sense of humour at home.

Dame Milly
And I’ll bet they wish they’d stayed home with it.

Queen
(bellows) Send for the army!

King
(calls) Send for the army! Send for the Army! Her majesty has spoken, yes indeed. (to Alice & Milly) Isn’t she loud? Mmmm?

Joker
Oh, no!

Alice
(to Joker) Don’t worry Wally, I can’t see them being any funnier than you.

All move upstage as Soldiers dressed and playing cards enter (SL) followed by the Sergeant. Music cue 5: Music ends and the Soldiers line up fidgeting about and pushing and shoving each other - one faces wrong way, etc.

Sergeant
(to Soldiers) No shuffling in the ranks! (bawls) Atteeeeeenshun!

The Soldiers snap to attention and Soldier 1 falls over.

Dame Milly
(to Alice) Not exactly the Coldstream Guards, are they?

Sergeant
(shouts at Soldier 1) Who told you to fall out soldier?

Soldier 1
No one sarge.

Sergeant
On your feet you ‘orrible little card!

Soldier 1 scrambles to his feet.

Sergeant
(salutes) Card division reporting for duty, your majesties!

Queen
(to Sergeant) The Joker has failed in his royal task, and one is not amused.

King
A very serious offence don’tcha know.

Queen
For which there is only one punishment. (pointing at Wally) Off with his head!

Sergeant
(to Soldiers) Take him away!

Soldiers take hold of Wally.

Joker
(pleading) Please give me another chance your majesty! I’m sure I can make them laugh.

Dame Milly
I wouldn’t hold out too much hope if I were you. I’ve seen your lines.

Alice
(to Queen) You can’t chop someone’s head off, for not making people laugh.

Queen
(turns on Alice) Who are you?

Alice
I’m Alice your majesty and…(introducing Milly)…this is my mum.

Dame Milly
(awkward curtsey) Charmed I’m sure.

Queen
You're newcomers to Wonderland, I take it.

Alice
Yes, your majesty.

King
(gushing) Visitors! How nice! (shaking their hands) Welcome to our kingdom! Isn’t it lovely? Mmmm?

Alice
(unsure) We-eell…

Queen
And now the pleasantries are out of the way. (pointing at Alice and Milly) Off with their heads!

Dame Milly
Some welcome!

Alice
But what have we done wrong?

King
You uttered the two words that must never be directed at the queen.

Dame Milly
Well ogitrev is just the reverse. (to audience) Think about it. (to Queen) I can’t bear the thought of being underground.

King
But you’ll end up underground eventually.

Dame Milly
Over my dead body!

Joker
That’s the usual way.

Queen
(bellows with laughter) Ha-ha-ha! ‘Over my dead body’! How terribly droll! I love dark humour. Just for that, I won’t chop your heads off after all. (to Sergeant) Sergeant. Take your men and return to barracks.

Knave
Once I have the golden heart, I will use it to take over the Kingdom of Hearts. But why stop there. I’ve recently discovered that the White Rabbit’s watch is also made of gold, from the wizard’s magic goldmine. With the added power of the watch, I can take over not only Wonderland, but the whole world. Ha-ha-ha! (exits SL)