Okay, I think I have had enough of trying to change everything at once. I am going to return to most of my “old” habits. I actually cancelled my last appointment with the nutritionist – not entirely though, I just changed the date. So my next appointment is in two weeks time on the 20th. These past four weeks I have been bouncing all about the place, even the slightest glance at anything “forbidden” send me spiralling out of control.

Can you imagine cheating your nutritionist with plain bread, or a tbsp of refined sugar in a skillet full of bell pepper?? I can and I did … and I payed the price for it, which was; thinking that now, since I cheated already I could just as well go all the way and have more bad stuff which I am usually not allowed. It was weird how I got from having sugar in my bell pepper, to devouring waffles or chocolate, or something. An office friend of mine told me to drop the nutritionist with the words – “She ain’t good for you Janet!”

Well, first of all … I am not going to drop her!! Well, to be honest, even if I wanted to get out, I don’t think I could get out of the contract I signed.

And seconds of all, I am not beat yet!!

So after three weeks of no progress, actually I took a few steps back I guess, I am starting with what I know and doing so meant also getting a new scale since Kaya peed my old one into oblivion. Yes, she actually peed on it and her urine went into the scale, and killed the display for good.😦

Lovely cat, isn’t she.😉

Anyway, so I ordered a new scale and am waiting for its arrival at the moment, I also ordered some cloth to get me motivated again and as of last Monday I am back on the wagon. All the changes she asked me to implement, the no salt, no sugar, no ice coffee and the forced times at which I am supposed to eat resulted in me hitting quite a few bumps on the road, to be exact I started craving things. Like crazy!!

The fact that I had to drop my ice coffee after work but at the same time refused to eat anything in its stead but had to wait until 6 pm before I was “allowed” to eat again caused hardcore cravings for me and I have to admit that I followed the cravings on quite a few occasions. Looks like I am still that old Janet from back when I started. It is quite sobering to see that I can easily fall back into old habits, even more so since I actually believed that I had changed beyond the point of breaking down again like that.

Anyway, since I have returned to my ice coffee I feel like I might be able to regain control. Oh and I also kicked the timing for my dinner. Now I start cooking when I get hungry and that’s it about that!!!

I had a talk with Ronny today and that made me fear that I might get to feel some heat from my nutritionist. Telling her that it was all too much … well, and that I returned to having ice coffee. I really feel the pressure at the moment since when it comes to weight-loss, I am the one who always wants to prove herself.

Well, we’ll see. Okay, what have I been up to recently. Lot’s of Red Cross is happening at the moment. Once I returned from work, I feed the cats, clean the litter box, then have about 20 minutes for my milk coffee before I change into my uniform and get going again. At the moment St. Martin is happening over here again, so we have processions every day. I was on duty Monday, Tuesday and today, Ronny and I are manning our small ambulance together and drive behind the procession in order to keep the following traffic from driving into the crowds.

Our small ambulance and Ronny

Lanterns at the side of the road

Also last weekend I instructed another first aid course for some Red Cross newbies, which turned out quite fun, despite me having to slap Torsten’s fingers since he kept interrupting my course.

Doing CPR with the help of a defibrillator

About the apartment for my parents, we are going to sign the contract on Monday. My parents will arrive on Sunday, stay over night and leave with the train after everything is settled.

Oh and by the way, after the realtor had called, telling me that we got the place, my sleeping problems disappeared and I haven’t had any further episodes of panic or alike and I hope it will stay this way. I am still going to make an appointment with my doctor to make sure since I am also interested to find out about my cholesterol levels due to all the meat I have been having these past few month. I will keep you updated on it and also try to become a regular writer again.

That’s it for today … ah one more thing, what do you guys think about the re-election of Obama, since I can only look at it from the outside, I would really like to hear about what you think.

Oh my, this morning I was totally contemplating whether to go to work or not but I am happy I decided to go after all.

Something weird happened last night – I think – I am not sure though, did I dream?? Anyway, I think I jumped out of bed, took two steps into my living room, turned around once, looking right and left and then went back into bed.

So – either I am suffering from panic attacks or something might be wrong with my heart. You guys remember that I mentioned before, that I would experience this weird sensation just moments before falling asleep. I would hear my heartbeat extremely loud in my ears and then be wide awake right away.

I think I experienced some extreme version of it last night because I clearly remember jumping out of bed, wander around shortly and then return to bed … but then again I am not sure whether it was a dream after all.

So this got me a little concerned, after all I have been suffering from stomach pains for month now and stomach pains can also have meaning in that regard, so I called my doctor today but had no luck. She is on vacation until Friday and I don’t want to go to the hospital and ask them for a 24 hour ECG, cause they won’t do it. Also the doctor who is substituting for her won’t do it either, since he/she is not my doctor.

I am thinking it’s only stress but it has been going on for 2 month now, so being a medic, I should most certainly stop ignoring and figure out what’s going on. The thing is, my stress should now come to an end since I got the call today!! People, we have the apartment for my parents!!! YAY!!!

But let me start at the beginning …

Okay, my older sister and Mom arrived around 3 pm on Sunday. I had prepared some cauliflower pizza, we ate together and they all loved it. Afterwards Nicky left again and Mom and I went for a walk. I showed her the street where the new apartment would be situated and we walked into Friesdorf, where my parents would have to do their shopping.

Only 10 minutes walk from the place there is a swimming bath, 2 banks, 2 supermarkets, bakeries, pharmacies, a post office, kiosk and bus stops going to either Bonn or Bad Godesberg. She was a little overwhelmed I think but that is totally understandable, after all she spend the last 6 years in a village with only 6 buildings or so. We then walked back and talked about my cousin and her children, where Mom is staying at the moment. Oh, by the way, Dad has returned from his stay at the health spa, so he is staying there too at the moment.

Once we returned we had dinner – which is usually bread here in Germany. I went along with it and had 2 slices of bread with cheese. Then we had lots and lots of tea and talked and talked and talked until we eventually went to bed. I prepared my bed on the ground, while my Mom took the bed. Much to my surprise, Shorty follow me and took his usual spot next to my head, only this time he was a little confused about the location I guess.😉

Kaya on the other hand decided to stay away and spend the night on the cat tree.

Despite the heater being on and the window closed, I got up in the middle of the night and tuned up the heater all the way, I was so cold … but hey, no incident that night.😉

Anyway, the next morning after breakfast we went to Friesdorf again and did some shopping and spend the rest of the day talking and waiting. Waiting fo 3:30pm, when we could eventually get going and meet the realtor/landlord.

We also checked the site of the realtor and were shocked to find that the apartment he had invited us to look at, had been published – how dumb of us, we had thought that we were the only one to look at the place. No, we were not, there were 3 women and one man also interested in that flat and while my Mom was so excited and ready to basically show all her cards at once, I tried to signal her to wait with the “real” questions until the rest of them were gone.

The apartment was still furnished since the old lady who had lived there before, had been transferred to a nursing home only a couple of days before that. It was obvious that nothing had been done in that apartment for a while, like renovating. The wallpaper was yellowed and seemed as if it had been brought in the 70’s. So the place was in no good condition. By the way, here in Germany you don’t move into furnished apartments, when you move in, there is nothing in there, you basically always have to bring all your own stuff, even the kitchen. So you move into empty rooms, whenever you move. You can make a deal with the previous tenant and buy their kitchen if they offer to sell it but if the old tenant wants to take his or her kitchen along you are forced to either make your own kitchen fit into the new rooms or buy a new kitchen.

Anyway, after the other people were gone we talked business and my Mom decided to take it. He said he would call me today and we then left.

We then took a cab to Bad Godesberg, had a Latte Macchiato in front of my Red Cross unit’s house and I then we walked to the train station and I took care she would get a seat in the train, since it was after work rush hour.

I felt a little bad leaving her in the train but I had to work today and spending another 40 € to accompany her and then take the train back to Bonn again would have been a little too much.

I took the bus back home but got off at Ronnie’s place and spend another 90 minutes at his place before I eventually walked home again. I took a shower, grabbed my cats and was off to bed.

This morning I had only arrived at work when I got a bunch of calls. First the head of my psychological attendant group called, informing me that I would be somehow responsible for organising the upcoming meetings of the group, since she would be on vacation for 4 weeks. Then my Red Cross unit boss called talking to me about the upcoming First Aid course this weekend and the assignments for St. Martin in the next week.

And then came the call I had been waiting for – the realtor!!

WE HAVE THE APARTMENT !!!

We decided to meet again on the 12th to sign the contract, so I am taking off that day again since my parents will both arrive on the 11th, stay over night and then take the train back after everything is done. Also some more good news, the realtor is going to give us 14 days to do the renovations and moving without having the pay rent. So in December – we can start renovating on December 1st – they will only have to pay half the rent.

YAY!!!

So, this X-Mas, they will have their own place and all will be good. Hopefully.😉

I am off to bed now, real tired. Everybody on the east cost – God bless and be safe.

Work-wise I didn’t get a lot done again, which is natural after all I have to give the new colleague the “big” training. I have got to explain everything and make her write it down as well, so she will create her own copy of it all and have the means to start working on her own at an early point.

Also Jens, the other sick colleague called, and told me that he is likely going to be sick for the all of November, so the sooner Beatrix is ready to start supporting us in some way, the better.

So I left work around 2:30 pm and did the weekend shopping. I only need to get some water tomorrow after the LSM course I am doing tomorrow again. This time it’S going to be the English version of it. I am not yet sure how many people are going to attend the class, haven’t yet talked to Torsten about it.

I am not really looking forward to it though, I really wish for some days off and sleeping in. But that will come, since I talked to my Mom this afternoon and my older sister is going to drop her off at my place on Sunday. So Mom is going to stay over night and I took Monday off, to avoid all the hassle of having to hurry home fast on Monday. Also I really hope for some alone time with her and I can spoil my Mom for a day and cook some of the things I have learned by now.

So tomorrow is another day of work, then Sunday morning is going to be house shore time and once Nicky and my Mom arrive we will get comfortable. Maybe she can teach me some techniques on meditation and alike, after all I still haven’t managed to fully lock up my problems in my mental “safe”. By the way, I renovated my mental safe and have decided to make it look like the pensieve in Hatty Potter.😉 It’s working so far.

After shopping I took care that Kaya took her antibiotics and drove by Ronny’s place for some coffee. It’s been some time since I drove by like that …

Anyway, I am too lazy now to take a shower, I wasn’t even ready to cook and just opened a pre-washed salad with some dressing included. I know, I know, that thing most certainly contained a good amount of carbs AND salt, the dressing that is, but I am giving myself a break and – while I still avoid salt when cooking I am returning to some of my old “good” habits. I keep my carb intake after 5 pm as low as possible but I am not going to force myself anymore. At least at the moment. I hope, that once the apartment is ours for sure, I might find back to my old determination.

Anyway, I am going to bed now, so everyone enjoy your weekend and make good use of the time.

Okay, I think now I feel a little bit more composed to write something positive here and not always keep you all “entertained” – and I am being ironic here – with the mostly downs of my life.

YEAH!!! Eventually some good news!!

Kaya is doing better again and she also started refraining from purging every night. Since we started the antibiotics she has only purged once during the night and once during the day and both times it was only a little bit, so perhaps the antibiotics are not only working on her bladder but also on her stomach or whatever is causing her to gt rid of her food occasionally. So good news for my nerves and my carpet.😉

Also when I got to work this morning there was a mail from my boss that he actually send one hour after I had left yesterday and that mail surprised me positively. The mail stated that a new temp employee would start today. So when I read it this morning I was only 2 hours away from her starting and I felt great relief!! So more positive news, YAY!!!

My boss even came by earlier than anticipated and brought the “new”, well temporary but still new colleague. She is rather young, maybe in her early 20’s and obviously had been borrowed by my company before. She knows the software that we are working with and has some knowledge of the things we do here, so that is rather good.

Despite Olga having her day off today, she came by to drop of her oldest at our kindergarten and so she was also introduced to the new girl. I basically spend the entire day to get her situated and get all the stuff she needs and also explain our filing system, show her everything and then start going through the first steps of what and how we do things in our department.

So it’s fair to say that we didn’t really get a whole lot done, since we only started the real work around 1 pm. It was so sweet when Beatrix, that her name, asked me whether she would be allowed to sit next to me the next day and have a little more training. I almost laughed out loud. “Of course”, I told her and then elaborated on the fact that she will get a full training and might sit next to me for a week at least, before I would let her run off on her own.😉

So that makes good news times two.

AND THEN … there was even more.

I am laughing just remembering it. Okay, so here it goes. I was in the bathroom, my pants down, when my phone rang and it was the landlord. Just imagine, it was hilarious.

So I picked it up and since I was in the bathroom my voice echoed somehow and the landlord asked whether this was a good time. Ah well, I looked down at my pants and decided to delay flushing the toilet for just a moment longer and replied. “Ah, sure!”

To be honest I didn’t expect any call from him that very day, since I had called him on Tuesday and had been told then, that the apartment which was originally meant for my parents, had been evacuated/vacated the previous day and that it was not fit for any new tenant. My hopes had then hit bottom, since I had talked to my Mom the day before and she had been at her wits and patients end that day. So it’s fair to say that I was almost devastated at having to call my Mom to tell her that it would still take longer.

Anyway, so me with my pants down got the best news ever. He told me that another tenant had decided to leave and that this apartment was the same size as the one which was out of the question and that we could view it on Monday at 4 pm. YAY to that!!!

So I called my Mom once I got off the phone and out of the bathroom. I don’t know yet whether my Mom is taking the train to get here or whether I can mobilize someone to pick her up but I am just happy. I am not even thinking about doing the renovation, which will probably fall on me along the way, I am just happy.

On a side note, this is exactly what I wished for Monday. So Monday I left my apartment with some trash to drop in the container. On my way back to the scooter, I stopped for a moment to look at the sky. The sky was all clear, not one cloud and the stars were breath-taking. For a moment I contemplated the vast nothingness out there and how we are nothing in light of it all, when right at the spot I was looking at a falling star burned out in the atmosphere.

I couldn’t keep myself from uttering a dreamy “Oooooohhhhhh!”

I stared at this tiny path of sky for a moment longer when I remember that I was supposed to wish for something, right?? So I did and I got half of it today.

The other half of my wish was, that I eventually get a grip on my weight-loss journey again since I have been struggling a little these past 2 weeks. I seem to subconsciously be revolting against the ideas of my nutritionist, taking offense at all the changes, which seems to get me tripping all the time. Part could also be that it is TOM time again but I can’t keep blaming TOM for it all the time, so I need to get a grip.

Since it’s all too much at the moment I decided to just have my ice coffee again, just until I have gotten everything else covered, like the absolutely no carb and no salt rule after 5 pm. Once I get that under control I feel that I can take care of my emotional drinking of ice coffee.

Anyway, that’s it for today, I am off with another feel good song of the day from Shahrukh Khan – Deewangi, Deewangi

I am on adrenaline right now, my hands are shaky and my legs feel trembly.

There it is, this huge ball of something in my guts.

Something I hate so much and tried to avoid for weeks needs to be done in a moment.

I need to take a blanket and place it in the transport box, then use the bathroom a few times since I am so nervous, make the call for a taxi and then catch the little black fur ball, my beloved Kaya to lock her into the box and get going.

Will it be today?? Or will it only be an inflammation of the bladder??

Whenever I need to make the trip to the vet, I expect those dreaded words now. Any time now I think. Is she already suffering. it’s so hard. I pray that it’s nothing serious but the way she has been sick these past few month I am not sure she is still fine.

Kaya had problems with peeing on Wednesday and yesterday all was fine again. This poor little fur ball went from toilet to toilet for 2 hours, peed on me twice, while sleeping on my shoulder until eventually she was able to pee.

Today it’s the same, she is roaming the litter boxes on the run. Try the box in the kitchen, then the one in the hallway and back to the kitchen. Actually today she made a few stops on my carpet and left a few drops here and there.

My Mom just told me not to take her home anymore if the vet encourages the last … option.

I just returned from the vet, as of now it’s an inflammation of the bladder, she is on antibiotics for now and I need to get a sample of urin to the vet when she is feeling better. The time frame is 30 minutes from taking the sample to dropping it off. Things never seem to calm down over here.😦