A Pop Quiz for White Women Who Think Black Women Should Be Nicer to Them in Conversations about Race

True or False: I am aware that Black women experience both, but feminists should stick together and focus on fighting sexism, instead of getting distracted by what divides us.

True or False: Racism is mostly about personal slights and hurt feelings, not a systematic form of oppression.

True or False: I am aware that white women directly benefited from American slavery and that enslaved Black women were routinely raped by white men, but that happened a long time ago and has no bearing on our lives today.

True or False: I am aware that Black women’s low-wage labor as housekeepers and nannies made it possible for white women to enter the workforce in record numbers decades ago, but we are natural allies in the fight for equality today.

True or False: I’m a beneficiary of white supremacy, but I’m sick of Black women making everything about race. I think they just look for things to be offended about.

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I don’t know the historical origins of whiteness, but I am qualified to say what Black women need to do and am well informed about Black women’s lived experiences because:

I know about sexism.

I’m a good person.

I’m an anti-racist ally.

I have curly, hard-to-tame hair.

My BFF in undergrad was Black.

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True or false: When Black women tell me that I have race privilege, this is just as bad as calling someone the n-word.

True or false: When it comes to race relations, both sides are equally to blame for racism because I don’t know the difference between racism and racial prejudice.

True or False: I am one of millions of white women saying ignorant, racist shit to Black women every day, and on a given day, I may be one of several white people who have worked a particular Black woman’s last fucking nerve with my ignorance.

True or False: Black women should be nicer when trying to get people to support their cause.

True or False: Black women should be willing to educate me and other white women, tirelessly, for free, instead of expecting us to educate ourselves.

True or False: If Black women calmly and patiently educated me with citations, links, and expert scholarship as to why what I said was ignorant and racist, I still wouldn’t believe them.

True or False: I have been a victim of online bullying by Black women after I attempted to silence them by selectively quoting Martin Luther King, Jr.

True or False: I’m insulted and offended when Black women tell me to adopt a listening and learning posture in conversations about white supremacy, because from the time I was born, I have been taught that I deserve to be affirmed, prioritized, and in charge.

True or False: I’m more upset about Black women telling me that my words and behavior are racist than I am by the fact that I’m being racist.

True or False: My feelings are more important than Black women’s pain.

True or False: When I cry white woman tears because Black women aren’t nice to me, I am aware that these are historical tears, that my tears have fueled racial terror and the murder of Black people in America for hundreds and hundreds of years.

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I am tired of hearing the following words:

intersectionality

white feminism

misogynoir

white fragility

Becky

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True or False: I daily debate with men about my humanity and lived experiences as a woman in a sexist society.

True or False: Every time these men deny their undeniably misogynistic behavior, I educate them, for free, in dulcet tones, as they tell me I’m just looking for reasons to be offended.

True or False: When women ask nicely, men happily give up their male privilege.

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I am well qualified to direct conversations about race because:

Unlike Black women, I am able to be fair, objective, and rational about race.

I care deeply about social justice issues.

I have a degree in women’s studies.

My dad said one of our ancestors was on the Trail of Tears.

True or False: I am both the oppressed and the oppressor.

True or False: I hate this quiz.

True or False: I hate Black women. Well, I mean, not all Black women. Just the angry ones.

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Deesha Philyaw is the co-author of Co-Parenting 101: Helping Your Kids Thrive in Two Households After Divorce, written in collaboration with her ex-husband. Deesha’s writing on race, parenting, gender, and culture has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Full Grown People, brevity, Dead Housekeeping, The Establishment, Catapult, ESPN’s The Undefeated, and elsewhere. At The Rumpus, Deesha inaugurated and curates an interview column called VISIBLE: Women Writers of Color.

I was able to answer false to all but this one:
True or False: I am one of millions of white women saying ignorant, racist shit to Black women every day, and on a given day, I may be one of several white people who have worked a particular Black woman’s last fucking nerve with my ignorance.

Honestly, I don’t know how black women put up with white women at all, except that what choice is there? I apologize from the depth of my soul for the daily crap fellow white women make worse. Thank you for this post! I just came from a 3 day conference aimed at teaching women what we need to know to prepare to run for office. I realize looking back on it, that there were a lot more young black women, than young white women there. And the black woman were as a whole far more interesting and passionate without doing “the look” that some of the white women were giving when hearing someone else express support for a cause they clearly didn’t agree with. That look that says, “I’ll be polite enough to not say it out loud, but you’re wrong, and I know what”s right.” I received that look a couple of times. I am recognizing the waste of time it is to challenge that look. Ah, know it all white women!

True or false: Patronizing an entire group, based solely on the appearance of all of its members, fails to recognize the portion of that group who are able to honestly and comfortably reply false to each of these questions. This type of assumptive thinking additionally fails to recognize that those individuals are fighting next to you to right what we agree are egregious and ongoing wrongs. This has the potential to alienate those who, according to your line of thinking, have the greater power to impact social justice. Fighting together for what is right and just is the most impactful way to affect change.

I am sorry but it appears that you fail to recognize that the ruling class in this country is white, so yes white people coming from a place of power and privilege have an “in” that allows them to have a greater impact on social change. True racial equality will only come when white men and women first recognize that they have privilege and then willingly give up the privilege that is handed to them based on race and not merit. To further clarify things jut because you have certain privilege because you are white does not mean that you have not been discriminated against or have not had to struggle to attain certain things in life. What it does mean is that any struggle you may have experienced in life would have been magnified many times over if you were a person of color. A wonderful piece that really explains white privilege without shaming is Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack by Peggy McIntosh https://admin.artsci.washington.edu/sites/adming/files/unpacking-invisible-knapsack.pdf

Amy Lane – Respectfully, I also suggest you read this again. I too believe I am an ally and replied false to each of these questions. My response was to just say, “whew,” this time around and be open to the reality that at some point I will, without a doubt, get it wrong. The fact that you take this so personally speaks directly to the white fragility Deesha is referring to.

This is a question — when I walk down the street or on the metro, etc and there are some black women who will just take one look at me and hate me. Or, when I speak to them, they just basically hate me. What do I do?

I’m not complaining and crying my “white girl” tears. Although, it is not really that fun when someone takes one look at you and just hates you. I know I’ll never really know what it’s like to walk a mile in a black women’s shoes. It feels really shitty to hear black women’s experiences, and I get it and I also get that I don’t all the way get it– but, I do try my best.
But, I also can’t help feeling not that great when I can tell someone looks at me and just hates me. I like them, they just don’t like me. I’ve been googling this topic because I’m trying to understand this better. Thank you.

“This is a question — when I walk down the street or on the metro, etc and there are some black women who will just take one look at me and hate me. Or, when I speak to them, they just basically hate me. What do I do?”

@Julie,
Why do you care. Not everyone in the world is going to “like you”. In fact you have absolutely zero control over and also zero power over someone elses emotion state.