All human beings suffer. It begins with being born when both mother and child must suffer until they have been fully separated from one another. Suffering continues when we grow up and see that this world is not what we hoped for or expected it to be. Neither are we perfect, nor is it our environment including the people we know. We may have had many wishes and desires in our lifetime of which only a few were fulfilled. Or worst case, even none of them! Furthermore, we suffer from diseases we would not have chosen if we had been asked before. We suffer from being rejected and misunderstood, from being hurt and offended, and so on and so on…

Phew!! After rereading my first paragraph, I really felt the burden of this lifetime that can easily press us down or even make us feel depressed. This life on earth is truly not easy and if I did not know the Lord, I would often times (read always) be tempted to give up when I find myself in another trial that does not seem to end and of which I cannot see yet where it might lead me. Just a few months ago as I had been reflecting on my last years with God, I saw that this year seems to have been the one with the biggest trials and with relentless revelation of my uttermost helplessness and countless weaknesses that often made me despair of life itself. ALL my hopes and dreams were shattered. The very things I still relied on were taken away and left me devastated regarding my expectations as to this life on earth. I had to give up any plans I still had in the back of my mind. All of them, indeed. Nonetheless, at times I feel a deep comfort from God that offers a foretaste of a completely new spiritual life I have not known before. Jesus promised us,

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.” (Jn 12:24-26 ESV)

Losing one’s own self life is a very painful and long process. How long? Only God knows. The more I see that God alone knows the depths of my heart, the less I can say where I stand (speaking spiritually) and where this dark path in my subconscious mind will lead. I only know that the darkness must be rooted out completely. As long as there is still refusal to accept God’s will for my life, I am not yet done. Just thinking about the will to be healed. You pray and pray and others pray for you too, however, nothing happens. Or you seem to know what is best for you and for your loved ones, but God decides to shatter your plans and hopes in the twinkling of an eye. Ouch!! What has been most difficult for me was to accept and know God’s will for my life without Him explaining me WHY or showing me WHEN another affliction might be over. I do know from my own experience, though, that in hindsight those seemingly contradictory experiences in life do make sense. Yet my natural impatience to WAIT on God always comes in the way.

While writing these things down, I just thought about how very vulnerable I render myself by admitting to be a real nothingness before God. For my old self it would be much easier to pretend to be ‘someone’ which I am not in order to get approval from others. But I do know that I only get the approval of God by humbling myself before Him and by showing myself as I really am. Only then I can trust that He will lift me up again, since we read in Peter’s first letter,

Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. (1 Pt 5:5-10 ESV)

This year was also a year with big temptations for my flesh. The devil, in fact, comes in and tries to destroy every work God has already done in our hearts. He discourages us and makes us lose heart and faith. As an instrument used by God, the devil’s task is to show us the utter depravity of our Old Adam nature. When we accept this verdict of our own wretchedness (Romans 7), we can also hope to experience the condition of Romans 8, that is, when we feel no condemnation springing from our old self any longer because of finally being IN Christ, which means having been born again as a new creation from above. In closing I offer you an excerpt from T. Austin Sparks which deals with the connection between the cross that kills our old nature and the knowledge of the Lord, a text which ends with a positive note. Thank God!

The Cross is the only way to spiritual knowledge. Important as study of the Word of God may be in its own realm, as laying a foundation for the Holy Spirit to work upon, you never come to a knowledge of the Lord simply by studying the Bible. The Holy Spirit may use what you know of the Bible to teach you much, to explain your experiences, to enable you to understand what the Lord is doing, but you never get this kind of spiritual knowledge by study and by teaching.

You must be prepared to let the Cross be so applied to your life that you are broken and emptied and fairly ground to powder – so that you are brought to the place where, if the Lord does not do something, you are finished. If you are prepared for that way, you will get to know the Lord. That is the only way. It cannot be by addresses or lectures. They have their value, but you do not know the Lord spiritually along those lines.

[…]

So then, the Holy Spirit, in order to bring us to the full knowledge of the Lord and by means of that growing knowledge to make us useful to the Lord, must constantly work by means of the Cross in principle; and my closing word is this. The work is not all negative; the Lord works on a positive basis. You may think that the Lord is always saying No, that He is always against you, that the Cross is suppressive; but no, it is a positive instrument in the hands of the Spirit of God. God is working on a positive line. The fact is that, if ever the Holy Spirit brings us into a new knowing of the meaning of the Cross, He is after something more. That is the law of the Spirit of life.

You must remember that the Lord Jesus, in His resurrection, was not left just where He was before. Before He died He was on this earth, and then He died; and Paul refers to His raising from that death in these words: “the exceeding greatness of his power to us-ward who believe, according to that working of the strength of his might which he wrought in Christ, when he raised him from the dead, and made him to sit at his right hand in the heavenly places, far above all” (Ephesians 1:19-21). The resurrection carries Him through to the “far above all,” and the principle of resurrection is always that of rebound – we may go down very deep, more deeply than ever we have known before, but the Spirit of God is intending that that shall issue in our being higher than ever before. So do not be afraid when you are feeling very empty, very finished, very much at the end. Ask the Lord that if this is truly the working of His Cross, it shall be successful in what He intends for you; and if it is successful, you will be on higher ground afterward than ever you were before.

Yes, Susanne, thanks for this wonderful reminder. The promise does not end with death for death is only the beginning. The promise’s end is found in our resurrection and newness of life which is safely hidden IN Christ. Thanks be to God that He knows our end from the beginning! It is appointed to man once to die and the sooner God puts that behind us, the sooner we can start living in Romans chapter eight! Even so, Lord Jesus, COME, in us!

Beautiful! The onion has a lot of layers and each one of them is peeled with tears. Our self life is hard to give up, but we’ve been called to give up everything we have if we want to be called His disciples. And it begins with us forsaking our own little egoes.
Perhaps if we weren’t so stubborn and rebellious we woudn’t need to suffer so many afflictions… But we do need them as reminders that apart from Him we can do nothing!

I like your comparison with onion layers since that has been the way I sometimes described it, too. But as for me, I could not say that my ego would be ‘little’, quite the contrary. 😉

Yes, if we had been wise from the beginning, there would have been no need to suffer that much. But even Jesus was acquainted with grief and had to learn obedience the hard way, that is, through His sufferings. So, at least we are not alone in this.

What I lately also realized was the fact that suffering tenderizes our hearts toward others who suffer. Without suffering we would remain shallow fellows, I am afraid.

And yes, we need to KNOW that we cannot do anything apart from Him! Oh, how painful it is to accept this truth!

I was absent for a long time because I was basically sleeping in Lazarus’ style. All tied up, in a very dark place and kind of stinking! Glad to say I’m back!
But as I read your blog, I was thinking that kind of “suffering”, the hard times we spend when we know ourselves to be prodigals who are so far away and don’t even want to return, the “suffering” of the nagging thought that perhaps it would be time to return and yet, you think you’re having a better time in your backslidden state than you would if you had to actually grieve over your sins and repent… because that is painful! Well, even that state of dull pain, that sadness which is not as serious as to qualify as depression but prevents you from enjoying life fully because deep down you know you’re not living life in Christ so you’re not really living… Well, that sort of suffering is another way God deals with us to ultimately get us to be so tired of ourselves that we will say, Ok, God, help!!!!
So that’s a good summary of my last year or so. 😛
In any case, I’m thinking of this rebound principle, and my hope is that this really will be like T. Austin Sparks says, Yes, I’m back, and even though I’ve been brought really low, NOW because of God’s grace, I’m not just where I was before backsliding, but in a slightly higher place. And I believe all God does to humble us, to show us our utter wretchedness, will lead us to increasing levels of intimate knowledge of Christ and Christlikeness. At least for me, all of these trials and this self-awareness have really brought this message home: I need HIS holiness, HIS love, HIS life. Mine are no good!

Thanks for sharing this summary of your last year with me, dear Carina. ❤

Depression is indeed a tricky thing as another blogger once told me. Accusing ourselves of our sins continually does certainly not spring from God’s Spirit but is connected with these depressive, condemning, and accusative evil spirits. God instead shows us our wretchedness and helplessness only because He wants to finally reveal His grace and power IN us. We read “where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” (2 Cor 3:17 ESV) However, these evil spirits keep us captured in our mind, thoughts, and all negative feelings. And then we have no freedom to choose the better way out of there, right? We truly need the Son who sets us free!

As for this rebound principle, I am awaiting a (much) higher place too, still. And sometimes it is a long wait, isn’t it, esp. when the dark valley is sooo long…?

I was glad to read that you left Lazarus’ grave and sense a sort of life again. May God increase His Life in you in the days ahead!

You’re very right… We can get to a point where there IS no way out unless the Son sets us free. I did get to that point. I had good brothers and sisters praying for me, sharing good words from God, and nothing seemed to work.
I know a lot about that dark valley you talk about. It’s a good thing that even though we may go through wilderness and dark valley experiences, God is always with us and usually brings brothers and sisters to help along the way. It may feel as if their words have no effect, because we’re in that land of negativity… but still God helps us through precious people in the worldwide ekklesia, indeed He does!
I also want to celebrate with you guys my first blog entry in 3 1/2 years! After a lot of closet prayer, I felt God was confirming I should go back to my calling. You may want to have a look at http://knowtruthbefree.blogspot.com. The entry is on my backsliding and then coming back experience, a sort of “coming out of the dark” testimony. I share it here because perhaps someone might find it useful. 🙂

Susanne, much is learned in and birthed from suffering. My comment is more in response to Sparks’ words here:

“Important as study of the Word of God may be in its own realm, as laying a foundation for the Holy Spirit to work upon, you never come to a knowledge of the Lord simply by studying the Bible. The Holy Spirit may use what you know of the Bible to teach you much, to explain your experiences, to enable you to understand what the Lord is doing, but you never get this kind of spiritual knowledge by study and by teaching.”

I have been pondering the very real need for us as individuals to be connected to the living and active Spirit in our own spirits, and for much of what Sparks there described. He pinpoint with those words exactly what I am experiencing presently. He is faithful. To step out of the worldly or even religious boat in trust that the Father is in fact for us and is dwelling within by His very own Spirit, longing to reveal truths to us on personal matters that He knows affect our hearts and daily lives. It seems a fluid thing, an ebb and flow, like we are in a divine dance with Him…it is not rigid or cold, hard-nosed and scheduled out…teachings and series and Bible studies may be all fine and good. But I am afraid there are throngs of believers with religious information and no life or power because we have been deadened to His voice. To open ourselves up to Him, well, there will be death, yes…a deep untangling and undeceiving…there are very hard sections of the narrow road. BUT….He is FOR US, not against us. And answers can come, not on every level, and not fully here. And some answers create new questions. He gives us freedom and clarity when the white noise of the world and even Christiandom are shut out in obedience to His drawing us out and up into Him.

You’re welcome, Susanne. And thank you. The history is definitely rich with misconceptions in the environment in which I was raised, rather than my being “in” the actual place. I recently likened it, quite comically actually, to having a pair of wool pants on ( a personal side note: I despise being hot or itchy. Wool pants are not anything I would choose to wear), and I’m in a season of trying to take them off. But they keep getting caught up on the thorns and bristles on my legs. That is the best analogy I can think of. The Lord is actually removing them, I am merely asked to participate…and in this season, I can tell you I never knew the depth with which the lies clung…making it impossible to know the truth. He is faithful. But we must walk away from something. And He never does this without first preparing us. It’s been a rich time, a hard time, a lonely time. But good, edifying, life-breathing. 🙂

Hahaha… That is a cute comparison, indeed, dear Becky! 😀 Imagine Adam and Eve in paradise with wool pants on! Oh nooo, how uncomfortable, to say the least… 😛

Actually, it is often times a very lonely walk with Him, especially if we cannot share everything with someone who understands. Sometimes we need to be pretty cautious as for sharing our spiritual experiences so that our pearls are not trampled underfoot by carnal Christians (pigs).

Congratulations as to your latest wonderful experiences with God!! May He keep blessing you! 🙂

Becky, I like what you said “connected to the living and active Spirit”. And building on that concept, I want to share something that may encourage you as it has greatly encouraged me. These days, the Holy Spirit keeps reminding me of the same few verses, over and over again:
Jesus then said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, it was not MOSES who gave you the bread from heaven, but MY FATHER gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world. I AM the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.”
“If anyone thirsts, let him come to ME and drink. Whoever believes in ME, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’”
“I AM the door of the sheep. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”
“Abide in ME, and I in you. Abide in MY LOVE.”
Because many men, like Moses, will teach many things and bring some level of spiritual blessing, and that’s great, but ultimately, the Holy Spirit’s revelation goes deeper than what any man can teach us. The Scriptures witness of Christ, and the Holy Spirit was given to us that we may know Christ intimately and have fellowship with Him.
I pray that God will lead us to green pastures of peace, comfort, and feeding in His loving mercy and that we’ll always have true brothers and sisters we can have deep fellowship with.

Carina, it is so good to see you back and hear that you are spiritually on the mend. I know that Susanne and others could identify with what you wrote. For me this last year has been a down time because of my aging body. It seems that my upper back vertebrae are collapsing and causing me continuous back pain and muscle spasms. I by nature am an outdoors kind of guy and this has got in the way of a project of putting up a building on our wooded land in the country. It seems my form of rebellion is to take on projects without God’s clear direction just because I have the ability to do so. Sooooo this has put me in that place where Peter ended up, “when you are older others will clothe you and take you where you would not go.” Either way, God sets things up in our lives so that Christ in us is the final outcome. Like Paul said, we enter the kingdom of God through much tribulation.

And we don’t like the tribulation part, sure we don’t!
Today in my prayers I was, like I have been doing for the last couple of days, telling God how I embrace the cross, I want to die to self, I confess that everything I have is His, but then the thought came, but, please, please, God, don’t treat me like Job! Yes, we may SAY we are willing to give up everything for His sake but then… reality hits us, doesn’t it? None of us is as mature as we think we are…
I haven’t got to the infirmity because of old age part (I’m 39…) but I relate to your want-to-build-barn-but-forgot-to-ask-God-about-it-beforehand issue. I also tend to be a “doer” rather than a “be-er” and my impulsiveness has led me to many head-banged-on-wall chastenings. Slow learner here. 😛
In any case, I’m so glad the Holy Spirit is a VERY patient teacher even though I’m a terrible student. 🙂

Indeed, Carina, I think we can only embrace the cross when there is no other possiblitly to ever get things done on our own. And God wants us to be real and honest. I do not like suffering, I never did and I don’t think that will ever change. However, I sense there is a mystery in Paul’s words about rejoicing in suffering… this must be God’s gift, for sure.

Carina, I relate to the head banging thing. Often my lessons from Him are like beating my head against the wall… it feels so good when I quit. Really, I am quite at peace with not building that pole barn this fall and doing just enough to gather up the loose ends that are left from what I already started. It felt so good when I gave it up. Hopefully I will feel good after my operation is over and not take that as a signal to start another head banging project without His leading. :-p

And Susanne, I don’t like suffering in my body, either. I tend to get really owlly (of a nasty disposition) when I am in an extended period of pain. Just ask my poor wife! Yes, the flesh dies hard. There is still a lot to learn (or is it to die to?) about when it comes to “the fellowship of His sufferings” in a positive light.:-/

Yes, Michael, we die daily. The bigger the pressure and the harder the suffering, the less we can ignore the ugliness and ‘unholiess’ of our old Adam nature. Courage to face it is needed and faith in His perfect righteousness that covers our nakedness.

After writing my own blog on the principle of suffering in our lives, I read this in the daily devotional from TAS…

“I tell you the truth, when you were young, you were able to do as you liked… But when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will dress you and take you where you don’t want to go. (John 21:18 NLT)

“There is no safe place, apart from the constant application of the principle of the Cross. Safety absolutely demands it. Nothing is safe in our hands. The more the Lord blesses, the more peril there is. The greatest peril comes when the Lord begins to use us…. It is a most perilous thing to be entrusted with Divine riches, so far as our flesh is concerned. The only safe place is where the Cross is still at work, touching all that is ourselves, touching all our independence of action.”

Amen, Lord Jesus. Thank you for the daily cross at work in our lives and for the sweet fellowship with those who also suffer for your kingdom’s sake.

Amen, Michael. I liked that devotional by Sparks, too. If you publish your blog (God willing), I will add the link here (Lord willing, too, since do we know whether our own plans make sense to God as well?).

PS
Soooo, one day later, here is the link to your great article I announced before. 😀

You are right, Susanne. We might make our plans, but God is the one who determines what really happens. I know my self-will can only make a mess out of things. I am still praying about the final form of my next article. He has shown me that, like me, it is still a work in progress. Thanks for your kind support.

You are welcome, Michael. It seems you published your blog meanwhile. However, since I am still sitting at the hairdresser and only have my cellphone, I do not know how to properly copy and paste a link to your blog right now. But I saw in my WordPress notifications that you linked to my post so I thought you might have published your new blog. Thanks so much for the ping back, my brother!

Yes, Susanne, it has been amended, modified and published. 🙂 You are so welcome for the ping back to yours which God used to inspire me once again. Keep up the the good listening and sharing as He leads, dear friend.
Michael

Michael, I finally inserted the link to your blog in this comment where I announced it above. But I also I saw that this pingback beneath provides a path to your new post on A Wilderness Voice Blog, too.

There is no more profound issue than that of suffering. There are many Christians who seek to “absolve” God of responsibility for allowing suffering. I think this viewpoint poorly represents God’s sovereignty, simply because we cannot reconcile the immediate outcome w/ our own limited ideas about justice. In effect, it places Satan in charge which we know is contrary to reality.

A child is struck down by a drunk driver. Homes are washed away in a flood. A spouse dies of cancer. All these circumstances may impact believers, as well as non-believers. Yet God alone knows the end from the beginning. God alone can use these circumstances not only to transform those involved, but to accomplish a good greater than we grasp.

Who would not have tried to reconcile their own ideas of God with what He allows in our lives and in those of others? However, like you said, we cannot grasp His thoughts or doing, nor do we know the details of His whole plan with mankind. We can only hope and believe that all things will turn out good, eventually. What Satan (always) means for evil, God always means for (our) good (Gen 50:20).

Much love,
Susanne ❤

PS
Ha! As I just read your latest post The Treasures of Darkness, I read a confirmation regarding the Bible verse I quoted above (an article you had written before I replied to you on here). You wrote, “Whatever may befall us, God will use for good (Rom. 8: 28).” What a ‘coincidence’! 😀

Dreams for my son shattered, His will, His way, His timing…i am naked, undone, before my Lord. Layers of pretense fall away, tears flow and the Spirit cracks my hard heart and I praise Him for His persistence after my total surrender. Thanks be to God that He knows my end from my wobbly beginning! Even so, Lord Jesus, COME now, and restore me!

As for me, I can say that there have been several times in my life where I did not want to surrender to God at all. Even there I needed His help to pick up pace, just as our Lord said, “for apart from me you can do nothing.” (Jn 15:5 ESV)

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“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him."
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