Wednesday, March 19, 2014

BREAKING NEWS: MISSING AIRPLANE EDITION

The investigation into the disappearance of Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 took a dramatic turn as investigators announced they were zeroing in a new suspect.

FBI spokesman Brad Lanes told reporters that previous theories, including terrorists hijacking the plane, catastrophic failure or the pilots deliberately going off-course for unknown reasons, have come to naught. "We have to ask ourselves who benefits most from this tragedy. And after eliminating all the usual suspects, only one person remains: Jeff Zucker."

When asked for clarification, Lanes said, "Look at the evidence. Since Zucker took over CNN, both he and the network have become the laughingstock of the industry. He's thrown everything at it but the Muppets to see

what will stick. And still -- nothing. But in the last week, CNN has been 'Airplane Mystery' 24/7. Turn it on any time of day or night and that's all you see. Even a serious Washington correspondent like Wolf Blitzer is engaging in useless speculation with so-called experts. And people are eating it up -- to the point where Anderson Cooper is getting better ratings than Bill O'Reilly. I mean -- what the...?"

Lanes then made the shocking announcement that FBI agents raiding Zucker's home found supporting evidence. "There in his rumpus room was a flight simulator identical to the one used by Malaysian Air's Capt. Zaharie Ahmad Shah, along with a notepad with 'Don't forget the transponder' and '45,000 feet is the sweet spot' written in Mr. Zucker's handwriting."

Agents, Lanes explained, found further, seemingly unrelated clues including a pressure cooker and backpack similar to those used in the Boston Marathon bombing; chemicals used in cloud seeding that may have something to do with the stormy weather this winter; and even a map detailing Russian troop movements in Crimea and Ukraine. All of these news events, Lanes pointed out, boosted CNN's ratings temporarily.

"It is therefore the FBI's belief," Lanes told stunned reporters, "that Jeff Zucker is behind every major 'breaking news' story of the last year, and will not rest until his network is number one permanently. We have to stop him before he keeps the world in an endless cycle of violence and, worse, tries to revive Katie Couric's television career once again." *************