Loss at 30 weeks, seeking advice

My husband and I lost our second child on July 28th. She was so beautiful and part of my heart feels missing. My heart breaks for her not getting to grow into an amazing person, it breaks for my own selfishness, and it mostly breaks for my four year old son who is having a hard time that his baby sister isn't coming home.

I am seeking advice on how to help my son. Today was the first day of preschool at a new school and since our daughter passed away he is scared of doctors and was terrified to go to school. This is his second year of preschool and last year he did great and was excited so I don't know if his sister passing is affecting him more than we realize.

We've told him his sister has gone to heaven and I had to tell him again this morning when he asked where his baby sister was. After I explained she was in heaven he was a mess about going to school and how he didn't want to go.

Has anyone else had a young child they've needed to help through this before and if so, what seemed to help them?

He is what makes me strong and it's breaking my heart to see him this way. I have no idea how to help him.

Comments (7)

The only thing that helped my DS (dear son) was time. Reassuring him that I loved him and lots of extra snuggles seemed to Help too. He was only 2.5 at the time my DD (dear daughter) passed. He's 3.5 now. For the longest time he seemed to think he did something to upset me, and I spent a lot of time telling him that he didn't make me upset.

Your DS (dear son) is at an age where finding a therapist for him might be the most helpful.

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You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you That's where I'll be waiting

My son was almost four when my daughter was born still on the day after her due date four months ago. From the very beginning, we have talked to him very matter of factly about what happened, while at the same time reassuring him that he is healthy, as are we. I also read that it's important to tell kids that they didn't do anything to cause the baby to die, as sometimes they worry about that.

We read books with him about baby loss geared towards preschoolers, such as We were Supposed to have a Baby, but We Had an Angel instead and (my personal favorite) Something Happened. We have a weekly ritual where we light a candle and tell his baby sister how much we miss and love her. I have been trying to let him guide me as to what he needs. We even play acted with his baby doll that he got before Camille was born, and he pretended that she was born alive. *tears*

This is so hard, there is no real guidebook for this, just little sections. I am so sorry that you lost your dear baby.

Xo. Michelle

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Mom to Sebastien born June 2011 and Camille born still March 29, 2015.

My heart breaks for you! My son, Christian, was born sleeping at 31 weeks. My 6 year old son has had a rough time dealing with losing his baby brother. He was so excited about being a big brother and was so angry that his brother was taken. We talk about Christian every day and I have been open with him and answer his questions the best I can. He asked me if I thought that one day God might give us a baby we could bring home and it broke my heart. I told him to pray about it and maybe one day we would.

A friend's mother lost her little boy when she was little and she told me to talk to Carter (my older son) and pay attention to his feelings. She said that she had problems later because she was never able to deal with it when it happened. She said that if I could not get him to talk to me then consider a therapist.

Thank you ladies. I've been honest when he asks about her and I let him look at her photos whenever he wants. I am in the process of making him his own photo album of her and I'm hoping this will help him feel her presence. He was so excited for her, we all were. All the women in our small group of friends were pregnant with girls. His best friend (my best friend's son) is going to be a big brother in September so we are nervous if this will affect him even more. Thank you ladies for letting me reach out. It's hard when people around me (husband included) want me to push forward and it's only been three weeks... How do you move forward at all from losing your baby, they're supposed to bury us not us burying them! :'(

Thank you ladies. I've been honest when he asks about her and I let him l...

Posted
08/12/2015

Thank you ladies. I've been honest when he asks about her and I let him look at her photos whenever he wants. I am in the process of making him his own photo album of her and I'm hoping this will help him feel her presence. He was so excited for her, we all were. All the women in our small group of friends were pregnant with girls. His best friend (my best friend's son) is going to be a big brother in September so we are nervous if this will affect him even more. Thank you ladies for letting me reach out. It's hard when people around me (husband included) want me to push forward and it's only been three weeks... How do you move forward at all from losing your baby, they're supposed to bury us not us burying them! :'(

It has been 5 weeks since we lost Christian and I miss him every day! My friend had her son yesterday, she was due 2 weeks before me also a boy. I wasn't sure how it would feel but I pushed through the fear, went to the hospital and even held that sweet boy. It was a beautiful moment and I am so proud of myself. I didn't cry and I was truly happy for her. I accept that Christian is gone but I still feel that emptiness of losing him.

I told Carter about the baby and showed him pics. He smiled and like he always does asked a million questions, lol. One if his closest friends also just got a baby brother but he has surprisingly done ok. He says I wish Christian could have made it or I wish he was here and I tell him, me too!

Don't let anyone make you feel like your taking too long to grieve. Your feelings matter and she will always be your baby!

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