IN the name of the holy witter, would someone please put Taylor Swift in a sound-proof booth and save us from her self-indulgent twaddle.

The singer has defended her notorious form for slating her ex-boyfriends by penning damning songs about their failings.

She said: “To me it’s just writing songs the way I always have. It’s me sitting on my bed, feeling pain I didn’t understand, writing a song and understanding it better. It’s just something I do to feel better.”

There goes a woman who has no concept of privacy, no reserves of discretion and no understanding of the healing powers of a chick flick and a tub of Ben & Jerry’s.

Rihanna hits a bum note at the Grammys

Incidentally… Grammys. There was a rock ’n’ roll rebellion at the Grammys this week after organisers issued an edict asking that stars moderate their dress code.

The request to limit the amount of flesh on show was ignored by the Angelina leg bombs of Alessandra Ambrosio and Jennifer Lopez, who continued the trend involving the surgical attachment of a mannequin’s right femur to the hip of a perfectly nice frock.

Katie Perry paid no attention to the clause stating boobs were to be fully covered, by wearing a dress that allowed her to smuggle in the blokes from Right Said Fred.

But Rihanna’s defiance was the most shocking of all.

The new rules demanded there be no visible ass, yet she still chose to accessorise her gorgeous gown with Chris Brown.

Christopher Polk/Getty Images

Rihanna chose to accessorise her gorgeous gown with Chris Brown

Peter Andre petition

A petition against the appointment of Peter Andre as Cultural Ambassador to Valletta, Malta, has amassed more than 1000 signatures, with locals arguing that Andre has no links to the island. Closer to home, this will undoubtedly ruffle the feathers of his fiercely competitive ex-wife. It’s rumoured that Katie Price will respond by attempting to colonise her own territory, and will go one better by choosing an area that has some personal significance. The residents of Silicon Valley are advised to hire extra security.

Tat's the way to do it, Kerry

Depressingly predictable follies in the life of modern-day celebrities, number 4603.

Moving on from the sex tape (Tulisa) and the adverts for quick cash (the formerly bankrupt Kerry Katona), the two popettes this week continued their campaign to avoid demonstrating a shred of common sense by having matching tattoos with blokes they’ve been in relationships with for five minutes. Real smart.

Still, at least when it all goes wrong and they’ve got to fork out a fortune for laser removal, Kerry now has the contacts to get speedy access to a pay day loan.

Analysing your gifts

Ladies, take note. According to a sex psychologist, the gifts you receive today say a lot about the bedtime qualities of the man in your life. Apparently, if he gives you lingerie he’s an expert under the duvet. If he buys you perfume, he’s a slow tease. And if he buys you chocolates he’s a conservative lover. I’d like to take this opportunity to add a new category that is personally related to the night-time action in my house. Dear Mr Low, if you buy me another card that belts out Islands In The Stream, you’ll be heading for the spare room.

Savings on the menu

I’m always the first to criticise the failings of our elected leaders, so it’s only right that I congratulate them on sensible decisions.

Glasgow City Chambers have finally decided to scrap their heavily subsidised silver service buffet and replace it with a commercial café, saving £122,000 a year.

As long as they don’t now whack their grub on to expenses, this is a gastronomic step in the right direction.

Now all we need is our chums over at Holyrood to follow suit, scrap the subsidised nosh and adopt a menu that includes a large, long overdue, serving of humble pie.