Thursday, April 1, 2010

Goals? No, I Said I Have Rolls!

I think of myself as an idea person. Not in the sense that I have ideas…I just like ideas. For instance:

I like the IDEA of going to the gym. Getting up at the crack of dawn. Throwing down a wheat-grass smoothie. Putting on the latest fitness-wear engineered by NASA for the astronauts. Slipping my feet into uber-expensive cross trainer shoes custom-made after having my run, walk, and stance analyzed by a computer.

But, the REALITY is I’m a sleep-late kind of person, who enjoys a cup of coffee and a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. My morning attire consists of a well-worn robe and half-chewed slippers. The only thing I have analyzed is my weight, but my scale is broken and says I weigh twenty pounds more than I know I do.

I like the IDEA of yoga. Cute little yoga pants. Sipping herbal tea and listening to New Age music on the way to the studio. Finding my Zen place, as I stretch my leg behind me, over my head, until my toes touch my navel.

But, the REALITY is I bought a beginning yoga DVD, couldn’t do any of the twenty pre-beginner positions, blamed the whole thing on not having yoga pants, which I would never wear because I look like a bratwurst in them. I pulled a muscle putting the DVD on the highest shelf of my closet, right between Pilates and Belly Dancing.

I like the IDEA of running in a marathon. Eating proteins. Training for months. Raising thousands of dollars for some worthy cause. Hearing my family and friends say “She is such a dynamo!”

But, the REALITY is the only running I do is chasing the dog when he has my slipper. One time when I had to unload some boxes from my car, I drove across my front lawn so I could back up three feet from the front door. I’m waiting for someone to invent a wallet on wheels.

So, as you see, I am an idea person. A friend of mine was telling me about a fitness camp she goes to. You learn about eating healthy. Go on hikes. It’s a great way to lose some weight, while having fun. We could go together. I told her “I LOVE that idea!”

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I tried to find a photo for my profile in which I didn't look tired. I had to go back pretty far, but I thought the tiara was a nice touch.
I spent most of my life trying to be perfect. I believed everything I saw on TV, and I could never understand why my life wasn't like that. It's taken a lot of years for me to figure out that perfect is boring. Now, I define my life by all the ridiculous mistakes I've made. And, for some reason, I feel compelled to share them. Maybe, you will read something that clicks, and think "Hey, I'm not alone." But, if all you get is a sense that I'm not firing on all cylinders, that's okay, too. But, please keep that to yourself, because in Elaine's Wonderful World, no one is judged, and all are welcome.