Past few weeks I wasn’t here much. I had some things that needed to be fixed, and while fixing it, I encountered many different things, and many different thoughts awaken in me. Without further explaining I will get straight to the point…

I am 23 years old, coming from Eastern Europe, small country Croatia (known as an edge of Balkan, a gate to Europe). I am a Christian, but when I say that, bad feeling comes to my stomach. I do not want to brag about it. I do not want to either say it loudly, because I am ashamed what was done and still is doing under the flag of Christianity. I can say than I follow the morale and teachings of Jesus, not the teachings and interpretations of humans, thinking they can interpret God’s word.

Lately I was in company of older people, talking, sleeping and eating with them. Fighting against and laughing with them. I actually learned many things, more than I learned in 4 years of secondary school. The things I learned I want to say as directly and as simply I can, so I will get to a point.

I am one of the fortunate enough to be born in the country which is not starving. I am fortunate enough to sit and write on my PC, to be in a warm house while outside is 1 degree celsius. I had relatively normal childhood (it sounds funny, because I am a war generation, and I saw my father countless times going to a front line, and my mother equal times crying and yelling). But we survived all of it. My father came home in one piece and my mother never cried again. I was around 6 when war ended and I was ready to start with a normal living. Being part of the war and part of the nationalistic movement, as a child, and while growing up, I was always directed towards peace and happiness. So my vision of serenity grew within me.

I saw the horrors of war, I saw a endless lines of crying mothers, crying on endless lists of dead soldiers and civilians. I saw families lost sometimes up to 20 family members. I saw a cities pillaged and burned to the ground. I heard of thousands and thousands raped women, and hundreds giving a birth to a children, war, unwanted children.

There is no point of writing more, we all know what war brings. At least 70% of people on Earth knows what war and oppression are.

It is amazing how much happy we are when war finishes. How big relief we feel when it is over. Yet we are in war every 30, 40 years.

I can see many people cheering for a war nowadays. It makes me sad to see people making same mistakes over and over again. Politicians and media making war, and sending children and youth of that country to a war, while at same time protecting their children and relatives from same war they cooked.

It is really funny and sad at the same time that old people are mostly doing this. And corrupted young who were in their ranks for so long that their brain was washed with old believes and standards.

While I was with group of old people, I heard so many times how much we, young people, kids to them, are smart. How much we are enlightened with internet globalisation and all other benefits of modern world. I was surprised, on a second I really felt like we are accepted, and even asked for opinion. That surprise came to an end immidiatelly when they started to preach me how we should run the world and what we should do when it will be our turn… At first I was laughing to the stupid ideas, and funny views, but later it happened something which I try to strain myself from… I absolutely cracked and some lava from me started to boil and went outside thru my eyes as an anger. I want to say to you all, the same thing I said to them but this time without anger, because I feel still, that it was good speech, but ruined with anger…

You say to us what to do and how to feel towards each other, while you gave us nothing to observe and nothing to follow. You showed us and pointed on humans, in worsest possible light. You showed us that favour is going to kill you, and compassion bury you to the ground. How we are so much enlightened? – You gave us so much to learn from, pandora’s box of mistakes, which we, and our children, your grandchildren will have to work whole lives, repay all your sins. Your concept of doing things without responsibility is something that won’t strike back to you. It will come on our list of things to repay.

We do not escape from that, and we will be wiling to spend all our lives and teach our children to do the same. We will repay that what you done, because we understand that this craziness has to stop. That chain has to be broken.

But do not dare to tell us what to do, once we will come to rule. Do not corrupt us any more than you did. All your governments and politics will be changed, once we come. We will put compassion and humanity over power and interest. Because we see that we could as easily been one of the poor and misfortune ones.

Against us, you have no power except your fanaticism, and your power holding ability. And even with that you will lose, because we know, and we will show you that mind wins over matter. We will prove this for the first time and since than it will be a law.

It is really sad that this war which we will be fighting in near future will be war against our fathers to set ourselves free. It will be war against all institutions on this world, to finally set us free. To seek the truth, no matter what.

With this, I want to call all of you to share things which you have deep inside you, which have been suppressed, no matter are you old or young. I want you to join here, and tell me that you wish to share something with world just like I did… But more than everything we want you, old to back up us young, because we need that. It maybe don’t look to you that way, but we really need that.

ALL WHO WANTS TO WRITE OPEN LETTER CAN CONTACT ME IN COMMENTS. I WILL BE PUBLISHING ALL. ANY KIND OF STYLE IS ACCEPTED. IT IS YOUR PIECE OF SOUL, AND YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO EXPRESS IT ANY WAY YOU WANT.

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I was busy last few days, so I didn’t spent much time here on my blog, or on any other blogs on this sphere. I will come with new post and new design of site in next 2 or 3 days…

I want to know is there something you saw missing on a blog, and you would like to advise me, or kind of posts you would like or anything, absolutely anything about this blog that would be nice to add or wise kick out…

In few days I will release a post “Open Letter to All” where I will tell you more about myself, my views on world and why I started this project…

So please send me critics and your vision of blog… I will be glad to incorporate it.

Also you can wrote me open letter in comments or wherever so I can learn a bit more about my small community, and I can see other type of open letters…

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I’m sitting and waiting for that half of hour to pass, so that I can start working my shitty job, and leave home earlier possible.

While I’m sitting there, it’s terribly boring. I don’t have anything to do except sitting and waiting. I hate that the most. I hate being somewhere without music, without some other person, basically I hate when I’m alone without some entertainment for my brain.

Terrible, gray thoughts are hunting me without entertainment, and dragging every drop of energy from me. I say gray, not black… Because they are far from black. They are uncertain, foggy conclusions and predictions sitting in the distance, waiting to be revealed thru dense circumstances.

If they were only black… I wouldn’t be worrying all the time. I would already make a piece with it. I would prepare myself for blackness.

The problem is… There is no preparing for gray. All is not certain, and you are left with struggle and fight. Being in the middle, following carefully white line of road while cars are driving around you, in booth directions.

It is so difficult being in gray area. Every small wind is carrying you to the left or to the right, while, all you want is, stand in the middle, far from dizziness and rush of life.

I just want to survive. I don’t want to be a hero, I don’t want to be even someone special. I just want to be normal human, living boring life and die one day old.

Why I have to live with myself like this? I don’t ask for something!!!

Sometimes fear and doubt awakes in me animal which spreads inside my body pulling with it bag of discomfort and box of all terrible feelings. So terrible, my forehead is, occasionally, sweating cold. I wonder does torturing ever stops? Or it is just a dance of soul…

…

Last five minutes of wait…

I can forget now all this. Hoping that it will never come back.

I like when it’s like now. Everything is simple and known. I have again all strings of everyday in my hands.

Too bad it is already a routine… Maybe I could spice things up with something new… I will think of that when I come at home.

Oh… Again that feeling is spreading inside me. Again that stupid discomfort…

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I can not remember being any different. I can not remember the joy and happiness taking place in my life. I can not remember anymore having fun watching at the stars. I can not believe I stopped admiring beautiful trees and blue, blue sky. I don’t think of small wonders that makes my life special, I don’t think of them anymore.

My mind has been dark, since that happened to me…

What happened to me switched me simply, without resist, to a different person. My guard fell down, and my head opened anticipating first thought to inhabit it.

Since than, fear is on cruel campaign thru my body, eating and poisoning every cell standing in way.

Since then, insecurity is ruling like tyrant over me. Putting chain on my hands and legs, making my heart settle for nothing, expecting it to be happy with what it get…

I can not remember the joy, true joy, which I embraced and carried with me whole my life. I can only remember that grim feeling of happiness, false happiness, which circulated inside my body after proving myself to be alive. I had to prove myself I am alive. After you feel the tiny fracture of joy, small potential of happiness, you expect all your blood will turn red again, and it will start flowing quicker and stronger, filling your cheeks with life. But that expectation fades with the first taught that enters my head. That joy and happiness stayed a potential forever…

First taught of insecurity, fear and bitterness fills my body. It starts with a realization. It spreads like a poison thru whole body, from head, down.

It is so uncomfortable I want to take a step forward right now. When discomfort comes to the heart, it releases fireworks of sadness, which spreads thru whole being, conquering the discomfort and building an army on ruins, stronger and better than ever.

That fearless feeling of fear is spreading like a monster, constricting my soul deep, deep under the rule of a brain, and reasoning factor. That intense feeling is so strong it drives you mad. It turns red apple into a black stone, unable to inhabit even a small piece of grass. Unable to give life, only able to drag life into dark, deep abyss.

It has been paralyzing me for a way too long time.

I can only feel happy when I cut myself, and see red blood coming from me. Than I think that still inside me is life, not a dust or a black liquid I always imagined. I can feel bitter happiness inside my being. I can than laugh, only than, spilling tears to show my inner state.

I can laugh in hell. But to laugh in hell I need to cry also…

I can not have the stone on my backs anymore. The things others conquer with ease, I’m fighting and loosing endlessly.

Others… They just think it’s easy, that it’s simple… That’s why they say to me to fight against it.

But they don’t understand… No one has a problem like me, and if someone would have… That person would be here shoulder to shoulder with me. Staying on edge…

They don’t know how is it to be defeated every time, to be defeated cruelly even when you think of winning. They simply don’t know how it is to be alone , so sadly alone, no, they don’t know…

I wonder do they know that this final loss I’m not afraid of… That this last battle I’m not searching for a victory… Just a fracture of joy, and finally piece and freedom of soul…

I will take last step, with faith, without fear or discomfort. I will close my eyes and hope that on one millisecond I will feel the fresh happiness, which will drag a smile on my face and make me feel like a child again. I hope my teeth will find a way thru lips. I hope my smile will be in the end as shining as it was when I was younger… Maybe my soul will awake at the end and experience something which didn’t for a long time.

Maybe all this is just radical searching for happiness… Too radical.

This time I won’t quit, this time I will be brave until the end… This time I will succeed with my plan…

But before last step, I need to open my eyes, and for a last time see what is around me.

When I opened my eyes I could see whole great city on my palm. I felt like a master, like everyone were ants, and I was almighty… Maybe it’s not such a bad place when I think again…

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Every man is defined with his place of birth, name and status of family he/she is born in. It is very important in this world we are living in. When you ask someone who is he/she, he/she will tell you his/her name (try it and you will be convinced).

Is that correct answer?

Well, actually who you are is not how someone is calling you. That would mean that we are defined the moment we were born, and we wouldn’t be able to change. We would be nothing more than animals. Just having serial number.

Who we actually are is defined by thoughts that runs thru our heads, words we say, deeds we do, and Heart which chooses which path to guide us.

Thinking thoughts leads to speaking words which leads to making deeds (manifesting your inner state outside) and by all that in same time choosing your desires and wishes in your Heart (we are often not consciously picking our Hearts desires).

Thinking is start of all. Imagine how much positive thinking would benefit to someone who wants to make a suicide…

I saw once a man throwing himself from a building while I was sitting in a coffee shop… And I remember when all that ended, and sadly man took his life by his own hand (better say jump), I remember the sadness that overwhelmed me. That’s first time I thought of importance of acting according to thought. I was so much sorry I couldn’t cheer him up, or do whatever to buy him some time to sleep over it and think it again other day. I was strongly convinced he wouldn’t kill himself some other day…

Now imagine all the people suffering in jail (no matter what they did), in many kinds of mental clinics, those unhappy, bad, filthy, sick, crippled and any kind of others with mental and sometimes even physical deformations… If someone told them how to think, would they be the same, and do the same things?

I must say strong NO. And here is why…

While watching my surrounding, and listening to people in it, many different characters took right place, as I could see them in real light.

My good friend was a thief (I always looked the character and kindness of people over their job). He was stucked in a film where he was tough, strong man who others should be afraid of. He should be respected and no one should oppose him in argument. Often he would achieve that, but not by his intellect (although he wasn’t stupid at all) but with his strength.

Once when I was talking to him I realized that not so different film was also in my head running when I was lot younger. I wanted to be just like in movies, strong independent and cold beyond all measures. I wanted to be “the man” in charge everywhere I show up.

My film disappeared by finding interests in other things and topics. I found out that this is not what matters… I shouldn’t be strong savage, I should be fine human, with understanding, my thoughts I’m comfortable with and my deeds I will benefit or suffer from.

I visited him few days ago, and he said to me he won a fist fight against someone stronger and with more credibility, or pride, or I don’t know what… He kept telling me how much he was happy when he defended his pride.

Which pride?

You defended your pride with a fight, tell me than how do you defend it when you have a broomstick in your arms and working for nothing?

How will you defend your pride when they put prison clothes on you, tattooing your body with sign of bad, wild animal?

Will you tell to your parents, relatives, friends how you keep defending your pride with silly clothes and funny caps, holding a broomstick in hands and shown behind bars like attraction… Will you defend your honor 2 hours a day when you are on walk? Will you send a picture of that?

Imagine… What would happen to him if he had a society which kept telling him how wrong is that and which are real values in life.

What would happen if someone stopped his talk and said to him 1000 times what he should aim in his life.

Imagine how he would benefit to all of us with his ideas and dreams, only if there was someone… enough interested in him…

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Imagine that one day your arm falls off, and claims it’s own small, primitive mind and awareness.

That arm is still an arm, and it can’t do much without you. It can move, it can transport itself from one location to another, in theory, it can do whatever it want.

But can that hand succeed?

No, it can not… It must have you as a bigger whole, as a complete being. It can’t rely only on sheer strength of it’s own. It must ask you for help, it must have a wish to be a part with you.

If it doesn’t show a wish to be together in bigger puzzle, offer something as a return for being a part of something bigger, it actually depends from your mercy…

That small arm can talk for hours what could of been from it, if it only had a luck, and little help. That arm can talk about other arms negatively, it can talk to other arms from heights, and it can talk about it’s bigger whole as much badly as it want…

That bigger part is not angry nor avenging… It is still waiting for that arm, foolishly waiting to change it’s mind, and become part of bigger puzzle. It’s not mad because that big part understands that little arm is doing everything to show it’s inner state, that mess which is restricting it from seeing the truth and blessing of being whole. Little poor arm shows how weak it is and vulnerable, it is crying for help, not by words, by deeds… And the bigger part understands that.

The bigger part is foolishly waiting for the moment when hand will see that it belongs to bigger part, and it can understand the fear of hand that it will stop existing when rejoined with the rest.

Bigger part is foolishly waiting and waiting when arm will see that when rejoined with rest, it’s not loosing itself, but gaining divine. That small mind and will will not be important, because that is not existence. That two is not existence. And bigger part is waiting, because it wants to be rejoined with the arm, that one arm which is so insecure and poor. So it can show the blessing of being whole.

And while every arm is searching for the rest of the body, it’s own blessed rest, they don’t see much, all they are doing is fighting for one body on the light, missing thousands and thousands of others staying in a shadow as quiet blessing…

Don't want to come here every time?

This is me in digital world…

I am a free thinker who want to see better world with peace and unity as a foundation stone. Color of my skin, my religion and nationality are not what is important. I am a human and one of the citizens of World. I think of myself as free spirit who is here to make better world as much as possible.
And I expect you to help me make better tomorrow...