Q: What water yields the most beautiful lettuce heads?
A: Perspiration!

Q: What is a Honeymoon Salad?
A: Lettuce alone, with no dressing!

Q: What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing?
A: Lettuce all smile.

Q: What did the host of Top Chef say to the contestants?
A: Lettuce begin.

Q: What do you do with epileptic lettuce?
A: You make a seizure salad!

Doctor
A man goes to the Doctor with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear.
"That looks nasty," says the doctor.
"Nasty?" replies the man, "this is just the tip of the iceberg!"

Two Heads of Lettuce
One day two heads of lettuce, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over.

The uninjured head of lettuce called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured head of lettuce was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery.

After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared. He told the uninjured head of lettuce, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to pull through."

"The bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

Lettuce, Pickle, & Penis
A head of lettuce, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives.
The head of lettuce said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me.
The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.
The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

Doctors Office
A guy walks into the doctor's office.

A banana stuck in one of his ears, a head of lettuce in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.