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The Cloud on the Horizon

Since the Big Bang Theory or the Story of Creation, it was stated that everything evolves. Some went extinct, while some evolved into something weird or something cuter or something well, normal.

Billions of years ago, everything would seem normal to all living things then, like those homo sapiens, or those species who invented fire, everything they wear, every raw meat they eat– these lifestyles are normal at that time. Heck, even their clothes.

Fast forward to the eighties, from the girls’ teased hair to the guys’ bell-bottomed jeans, they were cool on that era. What we think is cool right now could be a laughing matter next year. And sure thing, change is inevitable.

The people you have right now could just be strangers after five years. It was strange that four years after I got my degree I feel like a lot has changed that made me feel like well, matured. Matured enough to pick my fights or issues to settle. Or maybe I’m just too tired of living to meddle with petty things. Some people stay in your lives even after how many years. While some shadows just pass you by until they fade in their own corners. You can’t please everyone. You might help them in any way that you can on their lowest of lows, and yet you have no one during your own.

Honestly it’s not in my personality to catch other people’s attention. I could use some praise every now and then but I hate attention. I hate big parties. I hate bars. I hate new faces on our friends’ table during a reunion. I used to have a lot of friends, now I feel like I only have myself. I’ve been talking to God a lot these days for I am nowhere near okay. I don’t think it’s depression. Because at times I gather all the strength and happiness that I can get from my books and baking (Yep, the nerd stuff). But every morning it’s getting harder for me to wake up from my dreams. It seems like it’s better to dream something that I know is nowhere near my reality. I feel like it’s better to watch something fake than deal with my own. Maybe I am getting depressed. The heaviness of my heart is getting harder to cope with.

What I don’t understand is what triggers these emotions. I may look like a happy person but I’m dying inside. I have these thoughts that I can’t stop thinking about. I feel betrayed. I feel alone. But I guess this could be just a phase in my life. Maybe someday I’ll look back on these notes and I would forget that this moment ever happened.

If everything changed in the past, then everything that I have now could not be the same tomorrow or next week or next year. I’m used to spend my time alone until he happened. I got over that habit little by little. Then after a year the habit went back, until it became worse for us. Now I can’t bear the silence. I can’t bear the fact that I’m too bastard of a friend to support a friend’s decision to be fucked up on his love life, which I feel is on its way to our ending. It just doesn’t feel right anymore. He doesn’t trust his issues with me anymore.

I used to be my friends’ outlet of every bullshit that they have. I used to listen. Once a upon a time I just listen to all their problems and just be positive on everything. But then I grew up. I voiced out my opinions. I became too idealist. Now I have no one.

So no, not all changes improves lives. Some people just don’t understand their worth through other people’s opinions. You can’t just simply judge yourself. Nothing is permanent in this world. Sometimes it’s better to just simply be insensitive, to simply not care about their issues or somewhat related to that. You can’t just simply trust a cloud for shade from a heatwave every time. Sometimes you see a cloud from a far but it can’t help you from where you stand.

Four years ago, I have eight stars. After a year, two faded. Last year, I only have two left. And now I might end the year with only my thoughts and my Moleskine.