Jewelry

There are many things wrong in the Hello Kitty universe which is readily apparent by simply going through a few posts on this blog, but there are some that are worse than others. I categorize the Hello Kitty tongue stud as one of these:

It’s really not like my wife needs to pimp out her cell phone in Hello Kitty anymore than it already is, but then that simple piece of logic never makes any sense to a Hello Kitty fanatic. Thus she has her eyes on a $462 (50,000 yen) 18k gold (1.8 grams) Hello Kitty phone strap which she says will make the perfect accessory:

In Hello Kitty’s never ending quest to dream up new ways to sell anything with the evil feline on it, the people at Sanrio have once again outdone themselves. If expensive Hello Kitty jewelry for yourself isn’t enough, you can now share it with your dog (No, I’m not kidding…and all for the low price of $175 (118,900 yen)

Jewelry that you share with your pet?!? Common sense would dictate that there is absolutely no way that something like this would ever sell, but alas, anyone that has been following this blog for even a short period of time knows well that common sense is the oil to Hello Kitty’s water. As I sat staring at the email in disbelief, it didn’t take long to see where this was going — you know that as bad as this is, it is simply the bridge being built to launch a complete line of Hello Kitty pet (exclusive) jewelry in the near future.

Hoping against hope that my wife would somehow see this as ridiculous, I actually showed it to her (yeah, beat me over the head for my stupidity). Now one would expect that the Hello Kitty fanatic would reply, “Oh, this is the cutest thing ever!” which my wife dutifully did, but her next response goes to show how far Sanrio has brainwashed the fanatics. She continued, “We need to get a dog” as if this was the most normal way to respond when having found jewelry that she wants to buy. Just one more episode to show that things can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by oj who deserves an especially drastic form of torture for thinking for one moment that sending this to me would be a good idea and for the trauma I will have to endure for the next month explaining to my wife that “no, we do not need a dog to go with that jewelry…”

It would seem that I would be thanking Sanrio for not creating these until after I was already married, but Hello Kitty Hell doesn’t make something like this simply disappear due to timing. While Hello Kitty wedding rings weren’t around when my wife and I got married, their appearance so close to our 10th anniversary has my wife trying to convince me that this is exactly what we need to celebrate the occasion:

It would be bad enough if I had to give her a Hello Kitty wedding ring, but it’s even worse that they come in a matching pair with Hello Kitty engraved on the inside meaning that I would also have to wear a Hello Kitty wedding ring. Sanrio, in their marketing genius, have set this up as a no win situation for any man living in Hello Kitty Hell. While the bride’s ring has Hello Kitty prominently on the outside, Hello Kitty is hidden on the inner circle of the ring on the groom’s ring — apparently even they realized the backlash if they had tried to place Hello Kitty’s face on the outside, but this strategic placement gives the bride negotiating room to argue that it is not nearly as bad as it could have been.

In reality, having Hello Kitty on the inside isn’t any better. Just the thought that I am somehow defacto married to Hello Kitty as well makes my heart seize up and gives my stomach that wonderful nauseating feeling you get before you have to run to the toilet to vomit.

Of course, the wedding rings don’t come cheap when Hello Kitty lends her face to them. The platinum Hello Kitty wedding rings run $1,640 (189,000 Yen) with the bride’s ring getting two minuscule diamond chips (0.02ct ) added to either side of Hello Kitty’s face. I’m actually surprised that they are Pepto Bismol pink.

So once again the Hello Kitty quandary arises. If I don’t get the rings, I will have to get something Hello Kitty that could be just as awful (or even worse) to placate not getting them. Either way I lose and Hello Kitty wins which is almost always the case in Hello Kitty Hell…

We have already established that Hello Kitty will Hello Kittify virtually everything even to the point of creating the most useless Hello Kitty product ever. Of course, having invented the most useless product ever, she couldn’t stop there and had to try and outdo herself. Thus, we have the Hello Kitty earphone charms:

Taking this to the next logical step (at least for Sanrio and Hello Kitty fans) we should be seeing an accessory for the Hello Kitty earphone charms in the not too distant future (you know, while you just shook your head at the complete stupidity of that last sentence, someone at Sanrio just took it and is now making a presentation on what a great idea it is and telling their boss that even further down the road they can make Hello Kitty accessories for the Hello Kitty accessories, for the Hello Kitty earphone charms).

My wife has decided that we need to go on random Hello Kitty excursions around Japan these next couple of weeks which means I’m going to have limited time to actually comment about the Hello Kitty Hell I’m suffering through. Instead of leaving the blog blank during this time, I have decided to go through the 250+ emails that have sent me photos of random Hello Kitty Hell products (believe me, there are far more than you want to know and this goes to show that Hello Kitty fanatics spend too much time sending me email rather than doing something productive like living life) and will be placing them up, but without the usual commentary. Please feel free to place your own commentary as you see fit and hopefully I will not have slashed my wrists from some awful Hello Kitty Hell experience before I get the chance to write some more.

So to get things started, the Hello Kitty Tiara worn by Jeffree Star (yes, that is a guy)

Sent in by Faye (via Jeffree Star) who should have to not only wear the tiara, but color her hair Hello Kitty pink as well for thinking it would be a good idea to send this to me…

Sanrio is the master of series which are made specifically to suck in the Hello Kitty fanatic. Our house would be a fraction of the Hello Kitty Hell it is if series didn’t exist. That’s because it is impossible for a Hello Kitty fanatic to get a single item from any series without getting the rest (or whining excessively about how they don’t have the rest). That can get expensive when my wife sees things like these Hello Kitty gold figures and pendants:

So it should not come as a surprise that my wife won’t be satisfied with just one, but wants the entire collection. That means instead of just over $200 for one figure, it will end up being $2400 for the set plus another $1500 ($125 each) for the pendant set. Sanrio knows that fanatics want the entire set, so they release them over a period of time figuring that most would balk at paying nearly $4000 at one time, but would be more than willing to cumulatively purchase that same amount over an extended period.

Of course, when I explain how Sanrio is trying to manipulate my wife into buying more stuff, she’ll have none of it. “All they want to do is spread more love and cheer to the world.” While any normal person would gag when reading the around the world adventure story that accompanies these gold figures, the Hello Kitty fanatics eat it up:

Saying farewell to her friends and already missing her mother’s apple pie, Hello Kitty was ready to venture into new horizons, meeting new friends and spreading the message of love along the way. With her passport, T-shirts, and luggage ready, Hello Kitty began her fantastic adventure as an ambassador of love and friendship.

I think I’ll just empty the contents of my stomach now and get ready to endure another Hello Kitty Hell day…

Thanks to deede who should be forced to purchase these for every one of her children for having informed my wife of their existence.

There is something seriously wrong in the world when I have to write a blog post about Hello Kitty and diamond rings and feel the necessity to add where the diamond ring is coming from (Neiman Marcus) because it might be confused with other Hello Kitty diamond rings out there. That is just down right pathetic.

So this is the newest ring that my wife has her eyes on:

Of course, it costs over $4,000 (yep, not a typo there), but anyone who reads this blog knows, Hello Kitty fanatics don’t worry about little things like the ring could buy a car (and why stores make utterly ridiculous Hello Kitty items for way too much money – because Hello Kitty fanatics will have to have it).

Which brings yet another one of those Hello Kitty Hell dilemmas. Just the thought of spending $4,250 on a Hello Kitty ring makes me sick to my stomach, but it would mean $4,250 worth of other Hello Kitty junk that would never make it into our house, so it may be in my best interest to encourage her to save for it. It’s Hello Kitty Hell either way…

It is stores marketing to Hello Kitty fanatics during the Xmas season that by far worry me the most and you know that they are going to come up with some ridiculously expensive items that all Hello Kitty fanatics are going to be drooling over. This is that award goes to Nihonbashi Mitsukoshi department store in Tokyo which is selling a 590 gram platinum character for 18.9 million yen (approx $164,000). This is apparently the most expensive Hello Kitty figure ever produced (which will undoubtedly be outdone next year because there is always a Hello Kitty fan that is willing to pay more).

My wife has already printed out the photo and added it to her wish list (yeah, right….) Apparently she comes with seven different hair ribbons made of diamonds, rubies, and other precious gems that can be worn by Hello Kitty or used as a pendant (I need to figure out a way to sever her contacts back in Japan so that she doesn’t learn about these types of things…)

The figure will be on display this Tuesday in a special Christmas section at the Nihonbashi Mitsukoshi department store until December 21. I can tell you right now that we will not be heading back to Japan before this date because then we would have to spend every evening going to see it as our entertainment. On the bright side, I’d be a lot deeper in Hello Kitty Hell if I made more money…

When you live in a Hello Kitty Hell, your perspective on certain things can change dramatically. Take, for example, winning the lottery. Most people dream about how wonderful it would be to win the lottery and how they could buy and do all the things they wished they could if they only had more money. I, on the other hand, pray that my wife never wins the lottery.

My wife likes to play the lottery. Even though I have explained time and again that she is more likely to die from a flesh eating microbe or get killed in an auto accident on the way to purchasing the lottery ticket, she is not deterred. She is convinced that she will win one of these days because “Hello Kitty is looking over me for good luck.” While I like to protest that the reason she shouldn’t play the lottery is that it is a waste of money, the true reason is that my biggest fear is that she will somehow beat the extraordinary odds and actually win. It gives me the shivers just thinking about it.

The reason that I live in fear of her winning the lottery is because whenever she buys the lottery tickets, she also takes the time to explain to me in detail all the things she will do with the money. This, of course, almost exclusively entails Hello Kitty items that we can’t currently afford. It would mean that I would be forced to take trips to Hello Kitty Land (PuroLand) on a regular basis and watch her spend thousands on such stuff as Hello Kitty diamond watches (she doesn’t want just one, she wants the entire set including the $3,250.00 version)

Even worse, there would no longer be a reason for her to continue the Hello Kitty business meaning that Hello Kitty items would continue to come in, but none would be leaving (one of my biggest joys is seeing Hello Kitty sell and leave our house). If she had unlimited money to buy Hello Kitty, I would truly be scared to return home to see what new might be there.

So in the future you hear that someone has won the lottery and upon hearing the news, her husband immediately committed suicide, you know that my biggest fear has come true…