The Life and Times of Sassy McHappypants

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

What's up, guys?I spent the last two weekends on the road, which was...miserable. The first trip was 9 hours one way, and the second trip ended up being 6 hours one way. After discovering that my audiobook of "Till We Have Faces" by C.S. Lewis did not work, I ended up having a lot of quality time with myself. Here, for your enjoyment, is what I learned. :)

I am a bad beat-boxer (Beat-boxist? Oral percussionist? Whatever.).

400% of the music on Top 40 radio stations is pure crap.

A banjo cover of "Call Me Maybe" is as annoying as you think it would be.

There is a store called "The Purgatory Emporium" in Virginia. I could not have made that up if I tried.

Every radio station in Virginia plays nothing but saxophone music from dawn til dusk. As you know, the saxophone is the armpit of the musical world, so yeah, I kept the radio off.

You can get truckers, construction workers, and other impertinent gentlemen to stop staring at you if you pretend to pick your nose.

So there you have it: do not road-trip through Virginia unless you absolutely have to.

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Hey guys!Recently, my blog has acquired several new followers, which is fantastic! I thought it might be nice to tell a little more about myself so you guys can get to know me better. Below are some things that I probably shouldn't admit about myself...but I'm going to. :)

I'm great at imitating Elton John. And Billy Joel. Basically, I do good impressions of short fat men at pianos.

I call my puppy "Ding Dong" so often she answers to it.

Play-Doh is essentially a hobby of mine.

My family agrees that I am a hybrid of Mary Poppins and Dolly Parton.

My idea of a perfect man would be some kind of cross between Rocky Balboa and Donkey from "Shrek".

You guys are awesome! Thanks so much for reading, and be sure and let me know if there's something you'd like me to write about. :)XOXOLaine

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

What's up, homies?I have many friends who are musically gifted. However, I am not. I refuse to sing in public...no, really, it's a public service. You don't want to hear me sing! I also took several years of piano lessons to no avail. Essentially, I am the least musically talented person in the world, so I suppose it's a good thing I'm funny and curvy. :) Anyway, when my friend and I were in high school, we used to joke about being in a band together. Neither of us could play an instrument, but I think we just liked the idea of having groupies. I came up with some hypothetical band names, and they are listed below (for the record, I chose adjectives that sounded funny, not adjectives that aptly described us).

Armed and Caffeinated

Honking at Mexicans

Fat and Disconcerting

Drawerful of Panties

Bubba and the Fandangos (not sure who Bubba was supposed to be in this scenario...)

We later settled on "The Tater Hill Harlots". I guess it really is a good thing we grew up and went to college instead of pursuing bandhood. :)

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Anyone who has met me knows that I love my hometown, every single thing about it (OK, everything but the bipolar weather pattern). One of my favorite things about Boone is that we are practically the people-watching capital of the world. Below are some of my favorite sights:

The driver with the "Practice Random Acts of Kindness" bumper sticker who flipped me off in traffic

The "Bowhunters for Jesus" t-shirt I saw in Walmart

The baby car seat with an NRA sticker on it

The teenage girl with not one, but TWO Skoal rings on the back pocket of her denim skirt

Yep, Boone is one classy place. But, I still love that I get to call it home. :)

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Hi Buddies!Thanks for being patient with me as I adjust to working full-time and all the other little changes life has brought me! I've spent some time thinking about all the blessings I have and how many of them I take for granted. Really, there are so many things we don't even remember to be thankful for. I've listed some of them below for your consideration. :)

YogaWithout it, we would have fat hippies, and I can't imagine that would be good for anybody.

SuspendersThey hold old men's pants up. I'd say that's rather vital.

People Who don't Ask Stupid QuestionsTheir use of common sense keeps me from tasering the folks who lack it.

The WalMart Panty SectionBecause, really, would you want to share the Victoria's Secret shopping experience with the likes of Honey Boo Boo's family?

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Well hey there, kids!Oh my, so much has happened since my last post! I graduated cum laude on December 16th, started working full-time at my awesome job, celebrated Christmas with the family, and much more. As you might imagine, several of my family members and friends have asked me what "my plan" is now. Now that I've graduated, what's my next goal? What kinds of jobs am I applying for? All these questions have reminded how unstable the job market is right now, so you guys will be happy to hear that I have come up with some "back-up plans". :)Plan #1 Work as the Chick-fil-A CowYou have no idea how many people (seven, yes, seven) have told the staff members of the local Chick-fil-A that I need to be the next person to work as their cow mascot. I can't express how flattered I am by this (NOT!). However, the person inside that cow costume probably works full time and receives benefits. Not bad for standing by the road and making an arse (I mean, cow) of yourself...Plan #2 Become a Fortune Cookie WriterI mean...do you know how much havoc I could wreak (cue evil laugh)?!Plan #3 Become a PoliticianApparently, all you need to be a successful politician is a big mouth, an attitude, and plenty of hairspray. Believe me, I meet all those qualifications. ;)XOXO Laine

Thursday, December 6, 2012

HI.It's been the most frenetic week of my life, and I'm counting the minutes till it's over! Preparing for finals, keeping up with work, and managing life in general are adding up to be a big ol' pain in the butt. Fortunately, I found some great ways to cope with the stress, so I'll share them with you.

Tap dance on a coffee table. Hey, don't knock it until you've tried it. Also, do yourself a favor and make sure you've got a sturdy coffee table. ;)

Eat 257 chocolate-covered espresso beans. Trust me, after this, you can't really help but be super-productive and ecstatic about your life. While under the influence, make sure you keep away from megaphones.

Incorporate yodeling and jazz hands into your next class or work presentation. After all, you're looking to make a impression, aren't you?

If nothing else works, lock all your doors and windows, turn on the Lion King soundtrack and scream the first line of "Circle of Life". Nothing soothes the soul like a little "BAAAAAASOWHENYAAAAAAAHHHBABAGEEEEEEETSBABAAAAAAAAA." :)