The 5 Most Ridiculous Sex Apps

S.A.C.

Keeping track of hookups on a notepad stashed away in a drawer is so old-fashioned. With S.A.C. ($0.99), you can keep track of all your naughty deeds on a password-protected calendar, so you’ll never again forget the name of that guy you hooked up last Friday night. (Since that’s apparently an issue?) You can also rate your sexual partners, record medications taken, and store your insurance card info securely on the app, as well. We’re not sure how those are related, but if you really need help remembering these types of things, well, this is the app for that. [Tweet this!]

Photo: iTunes

Rock that Cock

Whether or not you actually enjoy receiving down-there pics (an informal poll of Shape staffers found exactly zero fans), at least this app adds an element of creativity to the photos. Rock that Cock, currently in development by two women who want to “raise the standards” of "dick pics," lets users decorate penises with doodles or place in them in funny backdrops. A penis flying to the moon? Sure, send us that the next time we need a laugh.

CrowdPilot

Uncomfortable sex talk with your BF? Having trouble closing the deal on date? CrowdPilot (free) is here to rescue you from awkward silences and frustrating first-date fails by bringing in a group of your friends, strangers, or even hired “assistants” (who will cost you an additional $0.99) to comment, give advice, and provide support in the heat of the moment. Simply turn on the app to livestream your conversation to the group of your choice—because a group of strangers listening in will definitely help get your date back to your apartment.

Photo: iTunes

iVibrateMe

If it’s tough to squeeze some, ahem, alone time, into your schedule, the iVibrateMe app ($0.99) makes it easy to fit in a quick solo session anytime, anywhere. With one quick swipe, your iPhone turns into a personal massager with a light vibrating motion. While a smartphone may not be ergonomically designed for this purpose, it can’t hurt to find out, right? Regardless, the app promises to relieve tension in your neck, shoulders, head, and lower back as well, so it’s a win-win situation either way.

Photo: glamour.com

A Sexy Text

If sending a hot Snapchat or sultry email is not your forte, this app may hold the key to spicing up your love life. A Sexy Text ($1.99) takes all the guesswork out of sexting by providing a selection of “sexy, wild, and romantic messages and pictures” for users to send to their partner. Choose from the menu of pre-written texts or emails, attach a provocative photo (either from stock or your camera roll), select the recipient, and hit send. You can modify the message, which proves to be a good thing if “meet me at the love shack” isn’t exactly up your alley. “The app promises you’ll “drive your lover wild with desire,” but personally, we’re not so sure a cut-and-paste message and stock photo will do the trick.