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Nota Bene

Our modern relationships have nothing to do anymore with the one our grandparents, or even our parents went through. Years of fights for equality have completely changed the relationships between men and women. Sometimes for the best, sometimes for the worst.
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Exploring the highs and lows of relationships

Friends to lovers

Once, we were discussing with my friends about the friendship we can have with the opposite sex. One of my friends says she considers her best friend as a brother, and that nothing could ever happen between them because of that. But the problem is the first time she met him, it was at a bar, and he tried to score with her. Nothing happened that night as she recalls, although they ended up making out in her apartment, but stopped almost immediately because they realized something wasn’t right. They decided to remain friends after this, and they have stuck to their vows ever since. As she’s still single, some of my friends asked her why she wouldn’t reconsider starting something with him, but she replied that it was impossible. “It would be like dating my brother, I can’t do that” she said. However, another friend of mine thought that their bond can evolve into a real relationship. “After all, if he was attracted to you at the beginning, but never had what he wanted from you, he could really make a come back. Feelings that weren’t satisfied in the past can always resurface sometime” she said. My other friend wasn’t convinced at all. I’m not so sure.

I really think it depends on hidden feelings. Another friend of mine told me she had once an “accident” with her best friend, but when they got undressed, they burst into laugh and decided not to pursue anything sexual. “C. and I are inseparable from each other. We know each other from kindergarden, and we never tried anything together until last year. He’s the shoulder I can cry on whenmy relationships fail, and I also console him. Last year, after another breakup that left me devastated, I wondered if it could work with C. We used to have a drink every friday evening after going out to the theater, and I took this opportunity to take a hit on him. I drank to give me courage to do so, and after the drink, we got back to his apartment, where I held him against the wall and kissed him. He seemed surprised, but replied to my kiss, and we ended up taking our clothes off on the couch, when suddenly, we looked at each other, and realized we couldn’t do that. It was too weird. I realized I love him as a friend, a brother, and nothing more. And I’m fine with it. I just needed to have a confirmation on that” she said.

In her case, it was clear there were no hidden feelings. But not every friendship is based on this sincere principle. Besides, some women need to be friend with their man before considering taking their bond to the next level. It’s my case.

When there are hidden feelings involved in a friendship, this friendship is a) not so strong b) not sincere c) about to evolve into something else. Like my friend says, there will be a time when hidden feelings resurface. The outcome of this can be happy, but it can also be disappointing. I lost my best friend like that. He told me what he felt for me, but I was just recovering from a breakup at that time. I pushed him away. He didn’t appreciate at all, and we took our distance from each other.

Yes I’m ok now.. I remember the time when I told him my feelings.. (he’s a guy from internet by the way..) so, he said to me that we can’t get a truly relationship, then if I were there in his city, he wouldn’t doubt in trying with me…
At beginning I felt so bad, and I cut all comunications to him.. but later, I felt a bit better and I started to see him as a friend.. so, I can say that I’m ok now 😀

Dianis, are you sure you only want a friendship with him? I don’t judge you. I know how it is to expect something from a very special person to us that will never come, yet, for a reason, we can’t give up easily.

mm I dont know, I think this is complicated. You know? we recovered our friendship several months ago, and I found the news that he will go to Canada to meet someone, that break my heart and I cut all kind of contact with him.
So, he went but one month later he wrote me, saying that he missed me… how weird! but well, I answered his emails but I wasnt the same… So, a couple of weeks ago, we talk throught skype, and he saw me and said how beautiful I am.. bla bla but he told me that he feels something else that friendship for me, if we were in the same country he wouldn’t doubt to be with me.. I asked him about his girlfriend and he answered that the fact he was now with her doesn’t means that he wasn’t thinking of me too… what all that means??? and two days ago he told me that she will go with him to his country to meet his family…. I really dont understand him… oohh and you know what? he writes to me every day, it’s a confusing situation, I think he is engaged with his girlfriend and I haven’t change, but: why he said all that things? should I continue with this friendship? or should I take some distance…?

Dianis, what do you want from him? Do you want him despite his girlfriend or just him without her? If it’s the last answer, then, you should make a clear demand to him of what you want. If he tells you he doesn’t want to break up with her, and if you don’t want to be the “other woman”, it would be wise to take your distance from him. The key is to know what you want.