Word Games

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As the holiday weekend fades away, my father, who visits every year for Thanksgiving, returns home after another great few days together, and I return to my daily job of observing the world, commenting on it, and wondering what in that actual Hell is going on in most of it.

I mention my dad because he is, quite literally, a dying breed. At the age of 83 he’s stronger and more independent than most Carbon Based Life Forms 20 years younger than he. Hell, just two months ago he drove himself from my hometown of Pleasanton, California to Las Vegas and back for my girlfriend Ashley’s 30th birthday party. Alone. And I never once worried about him or his safety.

He partially credits his current agility and sharpness to his daily ritual of going out front every morning (hopefully clothed) and grabbing the morning newspaper. My dad is pretty savvy for an old guy so no, the newspaper is not his source of news; given his whacked-out political beliefs I’d guess his news comes from MSNBC (or some underground internet site that’s run by Bernie Sanders, but that’s for another column).

My dad still gets the daily newspaper for one reason; all of the word games. At some point in each day (he has a busier schedule than most his age…come to think of it, he has a busier schedule than most Americans considering the fact that 102 million of you who are capable are no longer part of the workforce, but that’s for another column), wait… what was I saying?

Whenever he can squeeze it in, my dad completes the daily crossword puzzle, something else called “The Jumble,” and the word search. Word games; he loves them, as do, apparently, every jackass running (or wanting to run) our country these days (other than Donald Trump who speaks in word salads, leaving the rest of us to try and stab out some sense using our mind forks, and instead finding rotten tomatoes, but that’s for another column).

Where to begin? Let’s start with the obvious and seemingly most annoying, based on the amount of emails and Facebook posts we get about this…and, in honor of my dad, let’s play a word game, shall we? See if you can unscramble the following words:

ISIS
ISIL
DASH
DAESH

Do you know what they spell? THE ENEMY. Or, we would have also accepted the answer EVIL. Or, in a novel, new age conceptual answer, we would have also accepted RADICAL ISLAMIST TERRORISTS, since that’s what they are, even though so many of our leaders refuse to say such a phrase aloud.

Let’s go back to the ISIS/ISIL/DASH/DAESH quandary. They are all the exact same group of scumbags, yet for some reason, our own government and the totally incompetent media, cannot agree on what to call them. Pick an acronym, dummies! Jesus Jumped Up Christ, who is running this planet? It used to be us, the good guys, but now we can’t even figure out which semblance of initials to call those who would massacre us. There is a thought that calling them some form of “Dash,” is akin to an insult in Arabic, similar to George Bush The Elder mispronouncing Saddam Hussein’s first name. Whatever. Fine. Then insult them. Just do it consistently so we all know what to call the bastards. Or, conversely, make the 21st century American choice and decide not to insult the people who would cook your baby before your eyes without even thinking about it. A little American sensitivity goes a long way these days, or so I am told. After all, our current plan to defeat terrorism is to address Climate Change. Now that’s a jumble. If you can make any sense of the sentence “our current plan to defeat terrorism is to address Climate Change,” please email me immediately.

No, wait, I rescind the offer. If you honestly believe that a bunch of world leaders sitting around and talking about something we literally have no concept of will in any way deter the most evil of humans, do not write me for you are too far gone. Sorry, Mr. President.

Quick aside; hey Republican Voters I am talking to you! You’re not really going to nominate Donald-blanking-Trump to be your candidate, right? I keep waiting for this nightmare to end and you keep drugging me with Ambien. The thought occurs to me as I think and write of Obama, and I realize that two human beings can be on the far opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to certain issues and yet both can be staggeringly wrong to lead our nation. We’ve had 16 years of piss-poor leadership in this nation and we don’t need 4 more. Just stop it already and nominate someone of Gravitas and courage and common sense. Oh hell, just nominate someone likeable. The Heat Miser could stand next to Hillary and appear approachable and cuddly and win in 2016 for God’s sake.

Which brings us to last week’s word game. God Bless the courageous Hillary Clinton; the woman who wants the job as our next Jumbler-In-Chief. In a true act of courage Ms. Clinton pledged that she will no longer call people who are illegally in America, illegal. That’s right, you read that correctly. In a true act of leadership, Ms. Clinton has vowed to play word games with the truth, showing that she really is ready for that 3AM phone call:

PHONE RINGS IN THE WHITE HOUSE

Hillary: Hello?

Chief of Staff: Madame President?

Hillary: I prefer Person President, but go ahead.

Chief of Staff: We’ve been struck by Radical Islamists

Hillary: Now, now, Chelsea, what have I told you? We don’t use that phrase any longer because it’s mean. They’re simply misunderstood. And at times, right.

Chief of Staff: Sorry, Person President, but I’m a little frazzled right now. You see, they have invaded the White House and are taking hostages.

Hillary: Now, now, let’s not start using harsh rhetoric. They have not invaded anywhere or anything. They are our guests. Let’s treat them as such. And those aren’t “hostages,” they are merely people who got in the way of our guests’ hopes and dreams to make us all understand.

Chief of Staff: I’ve been shot

Hillary: You probably deserved it. You’re an American, after all. Just head to the nearest ER and flash your Hillary-Care card and they’ll gladly watch you bleed out.

All of this brings me back to my original query; what in the actual hell is going on in this country? By definition, anyone who enters this country without permission is here illegally. It is totally irrelevant what their motives are. I am fully aware that most people who come to America do so out of desperation and/or motivation to make their lives better. However, those who do so outside of our very generous and lawful avenues are doing so ILLEGALLY. SAY IT!

This all reminds me of the Political Correctness movement that began in earnest in the 1990’s when we were told that a man who robs a 7-11 to feed his baby is not a criminal, but rather he is a victim. Again, I ask you, what in the actual Hell are we doing here?

Illegal Immigrants (for that is what they are…ask a legal immigrant if you don’t believe me) are not an imminent threat to America, but amongst them might be one. That’s the God Damn point. Not calling them “illegal,” does not absolve them of their crime, nor does it give them any sort of dignity so knock it off. Lest we begin calling home invaders “house guests,” and rapists “love makers,” we are freaking doomed. Words matter…start using the correct ones.