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funny (if not necessarily "passive-aggressive") notes from pissed-off people

Comrades, take notice!

Sarah in San Francisco convinced her friend Tim to take a photo of this note, the third in a series of progressively sterner notes that has appeared in his office restroom.

Writes Sarah: “I am a fan of, inter alia, the fact that the author ‘buries the lead’ in the p.s. in the middle; the phrase ‘do not leave with the toilet paper,’ as if it’s something you pick up at a bar and take home before the beer goggles wear off; the statement that toilet paper ‘belongs to the public,’ like the state’s natural resources; and of course, the threat to make the perpetrator pay…and more.”

Meanwhile, this note from Jen in Richmond, B.C. is both more specific and more puzzling.

I mean, subbing paper towels for TP, I understand…you gotta do what you gotta do when your rations run out. But drying your hands with toilet paper? Really, comrades?

I have not heard of any laws that would allow a private organisation to impose some sort of ‘fine’. I don’t think ‘Grand theft TP’ is really a crime that a court would waste it’s time over… “Your honour, the plaintiff seeks damages and criminal compensation of 50 cents”… at which point I am sure the defendant could always raise the “I had curry last night” defence.

Don’t you find that toilet paper just kind of shreds apart and leaves damp toilet paper lint all over your hands if you try this? Maybe that industrial-strength stuff in public restrooms wouldn’t, but I’ve never tried. I just wipe my hands on my pants like any red-blooded, God-fearing American.

I appreciate your patriotism, Liz. But I think real God-fearin’ Americans just find a non-God-fearin’ American and use THEIR pants. Then they whisper something in their ear like, “If only you hated the gays, things like this wouldn’t happen to you.”

No, no, John Wayne toilet paper (rough, tough, won’t take no crap offa nobody) is perfectly suitable for drying hands. And if the restroom has an air dryer, it’s certain to have John Wayne toilet paper.

Sometimes wiping on pants isn’t an option (material absorbency’s all wrong). And if I need to wash my face, I can’t exactly reach my face with my pants to wipe it dry, either.

I splash my face with water all the time in the afternoons at work. It is refreshing and invigorating. Cold water also puts a little colour back in my face when it’s pasty from staring at a computer screen all day at work. You must get hip to this.

Office restrooms can be used for all sorts of last minute self-cleaning projects. Washing one’s face/genitalia of the secretary’s lipstick before heading home. Perhaps even washing the shame and whore sweat off when you wake up in a motel room and realize you’re late for work. Whether you’re a sexual deviant or not, toilet paper is a lousy medium for drying oneself. That’s why every responsible pervert comes prepared with wet-wipes, then giggles to himself as he flushes them, causing a terrible clog for the next poor bastard to deal with.

I have been forced on more than one occasion to dismantle these at the end of business and use the shreds in place of the appropriate product. This is not to be recommended, mostly because it is painful and ineffective but also due to one’s having to adopt that wide stance which can so easily be misinterpreted should a member of the GOP be in the adjoining stall.

Personally, I think they were playing indefinite article (a/an) Russian Roulette (we’re running on the Bolshie theme, right?).

I can imagine them thinking, I’ve only got one ‘a’. What’ll I do with it? It kind of looks right before”regular basis” [which I keep reading as regular basins], but what’s a regular? That can’t be right. But I know it’s gotta go somewhere. Those basins are probably irregular anyway, and maybe the irregular doesn’t take an article…

Sweat pours off the brow (but our hapless notewriter does not sop it up with toilet paper! He sticks to his principles before they stick to him).

A fine, a fine…nahhh.
“How are you today?”
“I’m a fine thanks.”
Doesn’t work.

I’ve got an enormorous…?
Well, we all know that but, that doesn’t make sense in the context of this note.

Still I’ve got this spare ‘a’…
Safe, safe… that’s where I lock up all my cash, and I keep it clean, too. What the hell. I’ve gotta put it somewhere. This’ll do!

I may, however, soon be even further below your standards as if I laugh one more time my boss will realize there is NO FREAKING WAY that I am carefully studying the PTI report (I shit you not) that he wants input for, and under the bridge in a cardboard box shall I be. 84 pages of misusing circular conclusions gleaned from statistics clearly pulled out of a squirrel’s ass.

Note one brought to you by Back and More,
First floor accountancy department staff,
Quality control for the general public,
Suppliers of toilet roll paper for mens and womens,
For when you’ve gotta spend a penny.

I’m betting they’re near a college campus. I bought one 4 pack of toilet tissue during the two years I lived in accommodation without cleaning service. Usually our bathroom was stocked with those giant paper rolls (the kind for hand drying) that we liberated from public restrooms.

You remind me of a man.What man?
The man with the power.What power?
The power of Hoodoo.Hoodoo?
You do.Do what?
Remind me of a man.What man?
The man with the power…

The question “Hoodoo?” (as in “what is Hoodoo?”) is essential, it’s what makes the “You do.” show the context break so clearly. There’s no joke without it.
Voodoo just doesn’t make that happen.
The question would be “Voodoo?”, and all would be lost!

Ah well, it’s just American humor…LOL

Oops, did Canthz_B say “context”? Sorry, he knows nothing about grammar, that was a slip of the typing fingers!
Gotta keep the real person separate from the on-line persona!

I would use toilet paper to dry my hands if the bathroom in question had an air dryer instead of paper towels. Those things are nasty, and actually put more germs on your hands than were there prior to washing.

Speaking of nasty, a few weeks ago I went up to James Lick Observatory in San Jose, CA, and they had those hella old towels on a loop in their bathrooms. I decided at the time that not washing my hands would be cleaner than touching those decades old loops that god knows who has touched. Gross.

I never understood this “hand dryers are better for the environment” argument. I imagine it takes a hell of a lot of electricity to run a hand drying machine. Not to mention all the noise pollution they produce. Maybe we should all just go back to carrying handkerchiefs in our pockets an be done with it.

Nearly everyone carries a small flannel. I think it’s probably a more feasible way of helping reduce using up resources than Sheryl Crow’s one sheet of toilet paper. Though, it should be noted, the flannel is used for drying hands only! The toilet roll paper is used for the other extremities.

When my friend was visiting me, she used the toilet paper to dry her hands and face and went through an entire roll a day! Spoiled capitalist pig! There is no place for you in the revolutionary society!

Here, have a Soviet joke:

A man has been trying to buy toilet paper, but the store has always run out. One day he sees an old woman walking in the street carrying two bags full of rolls of toilet paper. He asks in shock, “Where did you buy all that?”

The woman says, “Buy? Are you crazy? They are five years old. I’m taking them back from the cleaners!”

Hank Muir, John’s lesser known but more flatulent brother, wrote a manifesto about how the toilet paper is for all people not the individual.
He did not advocate people rising up to secure this right of the collective because that would make a mess.

I gave you a thumb, TOS, though how I managed to find space for it, I don’t know

‘glo, ipso facto they should stop all that pretentious shit!

And you can apply Scribble’s quote to mine (had to google), but I kind of like the obscure phrases… some are really handy. Explaining the meaning of vice versa takes forever, and etc., and i.e. and et al. are kind of useful. (I know they are not examples of more obscure forms of Latin).

What I am not a fan of is when French (without translation) takes up a good paragraph, or let’s face it, even a line or two of a book that I’m reading. And by French, I mean the language.