North Korea Takes US by Surprise

The former United States of America is now a territory of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (DPRK) after a stealthy invasion followed by a surprisingly straightforward coup d’etat. The lower 48 states are now known as the Democratic People’s Republic of North America (DPRNA). Hawaii continues to be loyal to former President Barack Obama while Alaska has gone rogue.

Camouflaged in 7-Eleven smocks, DPRK forces went almost completely unnoticed as they began seizing vital communications centers in cities across the nation. Local security forces quietly succumbed to sugar apnea after consuming free handouts of sausage-and-egg muffins, home-fried patties and Little Debbie snacks. “Americans eat too good, fall asleep. Didn’t even have to drug them!” exulted Col. Park Lee, from the lobby of the Pentagon.

As the hostile takeover finally became apparent, President Obama called for mobilization of US forces and asked for a declaration of war on North Korea. But the military was still reeling from sequestration and the divided Congress, uncomfortable acting upon any serious legislation proposed by the President, reflexively filibustered while Republicans tried to figure out Obama’s long game. “Why is he crying wolf about North Korea again? I thought that was last week!” complained an unnamed source (ok, it was Joe Biden).

DPRK kept most Americans unaware of current events through orchestrated misdirection. Cascading press conferences by Casey Anthony, Amanda Knox, the Octomom and Kate Middleton pushed any hint of the takeover off the screens of all major media outlets. Meanwhile, Kim Jong-un sealed victory with a fiery speech to the combined House and Senate chambers, noting a commonality of purpose between the two nation’s elites. Kim promised to protect America’s wealthy from the 99% of Americans that keep slacking off, by training the poor to work hard, sleep less and stop complaining.

In an amendment slipped into a bill to punish whistleblowers as domestic terrorists, a majority of the House and Senate officially allowed the US to be annexed by the DPRK. In return, none of those voting ‘yea’ will ever have to raise funds to run for reelection in the new government. “That fund-raisin’ shit got real old, real fast,” quipped new DPRNA Senator-for-life Joe Manchin. When an obviously-surprised Obama signed the anti-whistleblower bill without reading the fine print, he found himself out of a job.