THE NEW YORKER which Freud surely speaks somewhere in his great works. This machine for spending is really very pure and beauti- ful. " "It is really a svmbol of our civiliza- tion," agreed the Professor of Ethics and Moral Philosophy. "Consume to produce. The -L merican way of life." "Exactly," said Professor Entwhistle. "It is a symbol of democracy. Every citizen stands equal before it. The Phi Beta Kappa Society is side by side with the Loyal Order of Moose This is as it should be. The Phi Beta Kappa, whose motto is 'Philosophy the Guide of L " f ,,, "' Ph " l h " B " K b 1 e - I osop za IOU y er- netes,'" eXplained the Professor of Classics-"learns that Philosophy is no guide ît all in confronting life's practical problems. Philosophy merely gives him a vocabulary for analyzing his past mis- takes. I said something of this sort re- cently when I addressed the PhI Beta Kappa Society. I said, 'We are present- ing you ardent young initiates with a key, the sacred Phi Beta Kappa key. It does not look like any key with which you are familiar. It was designed to wInd a watch. But the last watch that could be wound with a key disappeared from commerce about fifty years ago. And if you look closely at the projecting tip, you will see that the interior is perfectly smooth and round; it could not wind anything if there were anything to wind. We present you, therefore, young ladies and gentlemen, with an impracticable key to a vanished world, and we hope it works.' That is what I said to the Phi Beta Kappas. They were furious." Professor Entwhistle chuckled with satisfaction. The Professor of Heat and Power took advantage of the chuckle. "I don't suppose the suggestion of slot machines is really seriously intended," he said. "As a means of reducing the Faculty Club deficit, I should beware of the ma- h " " CIne. "-L nd a good slogan, too," said Pro- fessor Entwhistle. "Beware of the ma- chIne, whether a slot machine or one of the giant brains of the International Business Machines Corporation. I may say that I view with alarm the intrusion of the I.B.M. machines into the private affairs of the University. As you know, every student is now represented by a card-a kind of homunculus-that summarizes his character , career, and marks by means of a pattern of oblong slits. Each slit indicates some mysterious vital fact, comprehensible to the Ma- chine alone The Machine, almighty and inscrutable, has taken on the attri- butes of deity. Seymour, in Architec- ture, told me a terrifying story. One of ! J I - 1-,- ,. f, -::;.. ..- '-',>!git!.IJ -4 , - . --... ...... . ,,-, . t j -to' \ I 23 'R -.. " - - I " i.- I . "" "'...._-- >\ \ .: ...:':;:' oV. . ) ;1 -_ --J ", -:; ..... ...... , - :.... " . ) ;'..'oOo.. _. 'Ø< ...... f l' ((If the Long-Island doesn)t run today, will you take tne sledding) Daddy?)' . his students got access to his own card, for some reason, and to amuse him- self took a penknife and cut half a dozen slits of the proper size in blank spaces. He returned his card to the Registrar. When his card was processed, the machine growled and snarled and almost short-circuited itself, and tossed out the student's card with indications that he was a troublemaker, subversive, disrespectful of tradition, and probably a Communist, and should be immedi- ately expelled." "1 shudder when I read about those dreadful new machines," said the Pro- fessor of Ethics and Yloral Philosophy. "They are so much more efficient than their makers. I prefer slot machines." "Speaking of slot machines," said the Professor of Heat and Power, "there is somethIng I would like to point out to you in the Treasurer's Report. If you will look at the second page. . ." He paused, and Professor Entwhistle took the ball on a fumble, so to speak. "What I look forward to," he said, "is seeing l.B.M. go into the slot- machine business. It stirs the imagina- . tlon to think what wonderful money- devourers they could build. No more of these simple contrivances in which oranges, lemons, plums, and cherries form their innocent combinatIons, per- petual fruit cups. The great I.B.M. slot machines would operate at the speed of sound; they would be able to annihilate millions of dollars at the flick of a lever." "I'll bet they already have some of those slot machines down in Washing- ton," said the Lecturer on Bovine Psychology. "Let me tell you something about Washington," said the Professor of Heat and Power, suddenly red in the face. He put the Treasurer's Report back in his briefcase. -L fter all, the Faculty Club had always had a deficit. -MORRIS BISHOP . In recent years there has been consid- erable discussiön among vlildflovlers con- cerning the real conservation value of some of the waterfo\vl regulations.-The Times. The dogtooth violet is not one to mince words, either.