Growing a family: A parents' guide to helping siblings bond

by
Leslie Crawford

Go from conflict to conciliation

Faber suggests helping your children identify their feelings ("You two sound so mad at each other!"), or wishes ("Eric, you really want to play with the fire truck." "Sam, you wish you could play with it, too.") Then you can guide them toward a peaceful resolution. ("Do you want to pretend there's a fire and play with it together? Or do you want to set the timer and take turns?")

For your preverbal toddler who is stomping his feet and screaming in rage, you can help by giving voice to what he's feeling, such as, "It made you really angry when the baby knocked down your blocks. Let's find a safe place to play with them so that won't happen again."

When their children bicker, Kim Church and her husband have their 15 children do a chore together; usually they end up laughing together. When any of her seven children get into a spat, Michelle Fritz has them sit on the floor and tell each other what they like about one another. This helps them shift their mood from aggression to affection. As your children get older, they'll learn from you and be able to find solutions on their own.

Remember: Siblings are forever

When your children argue (and they will), it's important to remind yourself, and them, of the bigger picture: A family is in it for the long haul. Laura Nelson of Gaylord Minnesota, mother of five children ages 5 to 20, believes her brood has formed a strong bond over the years because from day one she imparted the idea that as members of a family, they need to support and look out for each other.

"When they were little and had sibling spats, I would say, 'This will always be your brother. This will always be your sister.' You may leave or lose friends. But your family will always be your family." Her children must have taken the message to heart, she says, since they're exceptionally close now, often going on walks and talking about their lives together.

"One thing you can't take away from your children is their shared history," says Faber. "No one else shared those years in that home with those parents. That's theirs forever. From that, they can form a very deep bond."

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