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07/29/2016

WASHINGTON (WNB) The Navy is set to name a ship after homosexual pedophile and San Francisco politician Harvey Milk, according to the Pentagon.

The July 14, 2016 notification, signed by Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus, indicated he intended to name a planned Military Sealift Command fleet oiler USNS Harvey Milk (T-AO-206). The ship will be distinguished by "unique naval architecture featuring an exaggerated, prominent poop deck, signature phallic fuel delivery hardware, and all-LGBT crew" according to the Pentagon press release.

Milk has received numerous honors and recognition from both state and federal governments, the most recent being a US Postage stamp.

07/28/2016

07/27/2016

PHILADELPHIA (WNB) -Bill Clinton energized the Democratic National Convention Tuesday night with romantic tales of his life with Hillary.

The former president spoke of a lifelong relationship filled with wedding proposals and Halloween parties, the deaths of parents and movie marathons, countless adulterous affairs and the birth of grandchildren.

Before appearing onstage, Clinton was seen congratulating outgoing DNC head Debbie Wasserman Schultz for helping his wife obtain their party's nomination (below).

07/26/2016

PHILADELPHIA (WNB) - A leaked manual of internal guidelines for speakers at the Democratic National Convention is drawing criticism from both sides of the aisle.

An excerpt from "Section 2 Non-acceptable References"

In order to ensure a nondiscriminatory and enjoyable climate for attendees of the Democratic National Convention (DNC), all public speakers are required to read and initial the following guideline of nonacceptable words, phrases, and topics for use in all public addresses. The Democrat Party strongly recommends this guideline also be followed in private conversation, also.

Strongly discouraged:

Any reference to the Judeo-Christian god or associated religion.

Any reference to Islam associated with war, terror, or violence of any type.

Any reference to The Affordable Care Act, especially "Obamacare."

Any reference to China, North Korea, Mexico, or Russia.

Prohibited:

Any reference to Jesus, Christ, or Jesus Christ unless used in a profanity.

Any reference to socialism or communism.

Any reference to Libya, Syria, Ukraine, or especially Iran.

Any reference to golf or vacations.

Any reference to lying, adultery, emails, servers, foundations, or investigations.

07/25/2016

PHILADELPHIA (WNB) - On the eve of the Democratic National Convention, party chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz (RTRD-Florida) has announced she is resigning over the torrent of damning evidence presented by 20,000 released DNC emails.

The hacked emails include correspondence about infiltrating Bernie Sanders's campaign, embarrassing Sanders with information about his ethnicity and religion, ways to promote Clinton over Sanders, manipulating and working with major news networks, launching propaganda operations and smears against Donald Trump, paying shills to protest Sanders and Trump, and many other dirty tricks - some of which might be considered illegal.

In typical fashion, Wasserman Schultz was defiant in announcing her resignation: "I am stepping down in order to focus our party's attention on electing Hillary Clinton as president but I certainly don't feel as if there is anything in those emails I should apologize for - I mean we're Democrats for God's sake."

07/22/2016

CLEVELAND, Ohio (WNB) - MSNBC television host Chris Matthews accused the Trump campaign of using the candidate's oldest daughter Ivanka to "mesmerize" the viewing audience ahead of her father's address.

"C'mon, now. I can't even concentrate on what she's saying, for Christ's sake. I guess that's the strategy - mesmerize everyone with Ivanka's huge hooters so they won't remember what kind of stupid stuff Donald says afterward."

A spokesperson for the Trump campaign has so far refused to confirm or deny Matthew's accusation.

07/21/2016

CLEVELAND, Ohio (WNB) - Republicans were outraged on Wednesday night when Texas Senator Ted Cruz delivered a speech before the Republican National Convention that not only failed to endorse nominee Donald Trump but implicitly encouraged audience members not to do so if it would violate their "conscience."

"Cruz condemned to Republican hell," conservative-news mogul Matt Drudge tweeted before placing a "HELL'S A-BURNIN'" banner on his popular website.

After being booed offstage Cruz refused to speak to reporters, quickly exiting the convention center to a waiting car that whisked him away (below).

07/20/2016

LOS ANGELES (WNB) - California is the first state to officially indoctrinate teach children an LGBT curriculum as young as second grade.

The new history and social studies classes will stress the contributions of LGBT individuals in our society as well as educating children on such things as bathhouse etiquette, STDs, lifestyle tools such as butt plugs and proper lubricants, drug and alcohol addictions, and of course, mental health issues. Texts such as "Daddy's On Uncle Tim," "Mommy Horked Up A Hairball," and "Pete, The Pervy Penguin" (below) will be part of the curriculum for younger students.

"This is a big win for our students,” said California Superintendent of Public Instruction Tommee Tuchus in a statement. "We need to teach these kids as early as possible that being gay or transgendered is not only normal but in many ways preferable."

07/19/2016

WASHINGTON (WNB) - DNC head Debbie Wasserman Schultz accused the GOP of racism and body shaming after Melania Trump's address last night at the GOP National Convention.

"They purposely put Melania Trump on stage to ridicule Michelle Obama's appearance at the 2008 DNC convention," an angry Wasserman Schultz told MSNBC Tuesday morning. "This message from the Republicans that a beautiful, shapely, feminine white woman is in some way preferable to a lanky, flat-chested, big butted, he-she with somewhat simian facial features is not only totally socially unacceptable, it's blatantly racist as well."

Trump responded to the criticism by Tweeting, "I think America's ready for a real First Lady again #nomoretranniefirstladies."

07/18/2016

MADRID, Spain (WNB) - President Obama inferred on Sunday that black thugs would stop murdering police officers if departments would just admit that they arrest and kill blacks for no reason other than the color of their skin.

"And if police organizations and departments will acknowledge that they're the problem, it's going to make the job of being a pi... cop much safer," said Obama while answering questions at a bilateral event in Spain.

The head of the nation's largest police union responded by saying "We'd like to say that we believe ISIS will stop killing American citizens if President Obama just admits that America is the problem."

07/15/2016

SAN FRANCISCO (WNB) - Nancy Pelosi took to the streets Friday morning leading a march of several hundred Bay Area residents calling for the outlawing of large box van-style trucks.

"How many more innocent people are going to die as a result of these enormous, high-powered weapons? I am calling on my colleagues in the House and Senate to immediately ban these oversized instruments of destruction before we witness a tragedy in our own country."

07/14/2016

WASHINGTON (WNB) - President Obama told NBC's Good Morning America that he is subjected to forms of racism every day, despite his position as the world's most powerful man.

"Having come from a mixed marriage, I probably know better than most what it's like to struggle with race. Just this morning talking to Michelle I made the remark that I've been "monkeying around" too long with gun control - a sobering reminder of my white half's indifference to my black half's racial sensitivities. I'm subjected to stuff like this literally every single day."

07/12/2016

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Just days after publicly supporting Black Lives Matters in their effort to suppress police departments from enforcing laws against blacks, President Obama lectured representatives from a number of police unions on Monday that their departments are "institutionally racist."

The President's comments infuriated many of the police leaders who accused him of doing "next to nothing" to support them. Obama flatly rejected their criticism by pointing out that he had "publicly commented that killing police officers is a bad thing on at least two occasions."

Police representatives leaving the meeting appeared to be unimpressed with the President, with one telling reporters, "I sincerely cannot wait to come across this little piece of sh*t holding an eight ball, cruising gay hookers six months from now."

07/11/2016

07/08/2016

DALLAS (WNB) - A photo leaked this morning allegedly shows the dead body of a black gunman who murdered five Dallas police officers and wounded seven more Thursday evening.

The killer has been identified as Micah Xavier Johnson, aged 25. Police used a robot-delivered bomb to kill Johnson in a parking garage where he was hiding. The photograph (below) appears to show police investigators and forensic examiners examining Johnson's body at the scene of his death.

"He was a good boy who was planning on going back to school," said a person claiming to be a family member of Johnson. "The police blew his ass up just because he was black - you better believe we're suing."

07/07/2016

WORLD NEWS BUREAU - The beloved children's series, "Curious George," has published a book celebrating the Islamic holiday Ramadan.

"It's Ramadan, Let's Kill Some Infidels" illustrates the customs associated with the holiday such as baking special treats, exchanging gifts, going to the Mosque, and mass-murdering Kuffars (non-Muslims).

07/06/2016

WASHINGTON (WNB) - Hillary Clinton's campaign introduced a new campaign slogan on Wednesday celebrating the FBI's contention that she did nothing criminal in the handling of emails as Secretary of State (below).

07/05/2016

WASHINGTON (WNB) - FBI Director James Comey said in a televised statement Tuesday morning that Hillary Clinton displayed extreme carelessness in her handling of classified emails, but that those actions were not criminal. Comey said the results of the FBI's investigation conflict with nearly every public statement Clinton has made regarding the matter, painting her as breathtakingly stupid as well as deliberately untruthful.

"In dealing with privileged information including highly classified material, Mrs. Clinton exhibited a near-total lack of intelligence and a reckless disregard for safeguarding our government's secrets that is, frankly, hard to comprehend. In addition, numerous public comments made by Mrs. Clinton related to this case show a familiarity with the concept of truth roughly on par with her technical knowledge, which is to say, none."

While likely clearing Clinton from being prosecuted, details of her actions should still provide her critics with much ammunition, according to one political analyst.