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Who’d a thought that my first blog post in months would be inspired by a random instagram pic?

I don’t know why but this picture makes me think about so much and I don’t even know where the quote originates from, but I guess that’s neither here nor there.. My interpretation: We all have guns to our heads trying to talk each other out of pulling the trigger. I think we lie to ourselves to try and convince us that life gets better, but I have yet to become fully convinced. We just learn to cope. We’re put in these situations and the only “Band aid” people can put on it is “It’ll make you a better person.” Or “To whom much is given much is required.” And then they’ll leave you to your tears in an empty bedroom, and maybe it’s not their fault, maybe they just can’t relate. They can’t relate. I think the hardest part of “Growing Up” is realizing that 80% of the time people won’t relate to your problems nor will they care to or want to and at the end of the day I am not entitled for them to. I’ve spent the last five years of my life trying to figure it out. I don’t think I’ve been successful at figuring 1/8th of it out. I don’t even know what it is.. if it’s a feeling, or if it’s a physical thing.. I just know that it’s something. I’ve been having this empty feeling lately, I zone out in conversations, find myself in deep thought while watching tv, and I haven’t really been trying to be around people. No offense to them, all offense to me. It’s just that I get tired of trying to explain myself. I don’t wanna explain myself. And because I have finally learned that there are two types of people in the world.. people that talk.. and people that are talked about. I have come to the conclusion that as much as I hate it.. I’d much rather be talked about then handing out infamy, and maybe that’s another reason why I don’t like being around people, I’m just becoming so untrusting, like a paranoia is being built up, “What does this person say about me when I’m not around?” Should I even be hanging with people if I have to think that way about them? I could do a whole ‘nother blog post about that. I have to end this on some type of high note… I’ll edit that in when I find it. Lol. Part two soon? (Just don’t wanna get too long winded.)

The only type of people that have successful directing careers are white males.

I honestly started to make that the title of this post but decided against it midway through. lol. Anyways…

Sometimes I forget how much of a headache this “dream” I signed up to pursue really is. Like this Bs is going to be an uphill battle all of the way and yea I knew that when I started but I guess I never really understood just how much of an uphill battle that it really WOULD be and how easy it is to end up right back at square one.

I am going to show the world.

I’m really at this point in my life where I honestly believe with all of my heart that no one except for myself has real faith in me, but luckily for me I was raised on two things; “Fuck The World” and “Success is the best revenge.” Now, I would be lying if I said that feeling alone sometime did not mess with me, cause it does. I can’t even describe just how wack I feel sometimes, it’s this empty feeling I get in the pit of my stomach and a migraine from overthinking things as much as I do on top of a bunch of other things.

But this is also why I applaud my arrogance.

I think I said something similar in an older post, something like “You get tore down so much that you realize if you don’t build yourself back up no one will.” If so, that just might’ve been the realest shit I ever wrote.

The journey to success separates the people that really want it from the people that just do it.

This is the part they should tell you about when You’re chasing your dreams. How you’ll feel stagnant, out of place and occasionally feel like a failure when things aren’t moving the way that they could be. In all honesty, since the new year started I’ve been back and forth in my feelings. I’ve been trying to acquire patience, but sometimes it feels like it’s a voice in the back of my head asking me just what it is I think I’m waiting on.

I believe in speaking things into existence. I meditate when I feel like there is nothing else I can do. But MAN ish just be wack. At one point I could measure my progress every month and see how close I was getting to where I wanted to be, cause every month I was a tad bit closer even if it was by an inch. Every month I actually DID something towards my dream. But I have not done anything towards my dream in six months. Maybe more, and for a person that’s use to doing something towards it all of the time that is a long time. I’m so stressed. I haven’t left my house since January 1st.

Playing phone tag with people that “believe” or so they say. Those open ended “Yea, I’ma call you right back.” and the “I’ma see what I can do.” Oh, and the being broke part is the absolute worst.

I guess the outcome that you want never comes the way that you want it to, or with whom you want it to. I recently watched The Secret and one of the quotes that stuck with me was

Only focus on the what and not the how.

Meaning that by focusing on the outcome, the path will reveal itself. Out of everything in that documentary, that sticks with me the most and I don’t know why. But I think the line is really powerful.

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

I haven’t blogged in five months…. I don’t know why I thought it would be easy to just come in and pick right up where I left off, especially after reading all of my old posts. I’m in an entirely new space mentally. I went through this whole “I need to find myself, get back to the craft I love so much, which is directing” phase. Which eventually led me into my “I’m borderline depressed because I don’t really have the utensils to pursue directing in the way that I want to.” Phase. Then November came and the most recent phase that I am currently exiting out of is my “I’m stagnant and depressed because I feel no real progress, I miss my mom (She died November 3, 2009) I don’t wanna die only knowing my hometown, Fuck life.” Phase.

Three phases in five months. I don’t think people fully grasp how dark and depressing the fall really is for me. I’ve been super emo and antisocial lately and decided to just take the time to create the outline of the person that I would like to grow into being. So welcome back to the chaos known as Breonajai.com. There will still be music that I like. (Whether it’s indie, mainstream or local). There will still be random thoughts, there may still be a movie review every blue moon. I’m gonna be easing myself back into the concept of blogging so bare with me and thanks for tuning back in :).