Most extramarital affairs do not begin for sexual reasons, they begin for emotional ones. If your spouse is having sex outside of your marriage you probably need to consider whether or not you have been meeting them at the place of their emotional needs. Often times couples get familiar with one another and loose appreciation for each other, they stop doing the things they once did to love their partner. Often times when a cheating spouse is having sexual relations outside of the relationship, it generally has something to do with a lack of loving expressions by their mate. However, it will also say something about the adulterer, because if they are so focused on their own desires, then they are being selfish. It is also true that there are some people who are so selfish, so inwardly consuming, that it does not make a difference how much their spouse is loving them, they will still be cheating, (committing adultery).

This is a serious issue, sex outside the context of a couples union will likely cause significant issues for the relationship. Extramarital sex will tear at the core of their matrimony by splitting the most meaningful portion of their relationship, which is the foundation of trust. When integrity has been compromised by corruption, by a thoughtless selfish choice, it is likely to be quite painful for the spouse who remained faithful, and this kind of sexual activity can lead to divorce. Couples, (as well as singles), need to have a complete understanding of the bond in sexual union. This is the deepest form of love expression, it’s the most meaningful connection in relationships and should not be taken lightly.

It is well known that men are wired with a hormonal desire to have sex, for most men sex with their mate is the most significant form of love expression, (to them). Women should be aware of this, but women should also be conscious of other emotional necessities as well. Ladies, you need to stand by him, showing him and letting him know that you believe in him. Most men have fragile ego’s, so if you say to a man "that will never work, that’s stupid", you have just caused major damage to your relationship. Many women think, for some reason, that they are sent by God to humble their man, wrong! Most men do not handle criticism and rejection very well, especially coming from the most important person in their lives. Your words need to be edifying and encouraging, you need to show your love by being supportive, by speaking words of affirmation. And even if something does not work out, you need to continue to be the same. When your male partner tries to share his dreams with you and you crush them with degrading unsupportive comments, you injure your relationship, big time! WHY? Because you have just shown your husband that he can not share his dreams with you. If your husband is not telling you his dreams, consider that a major red flag! It’s time for you to talk on a serious level with him to recover what you have damaged. Remember ladies you want him to listen and be attentive to your needs, you also need to be there for his. If you have belittled your husband, understand that it won’t be long before some other woman shows up somewhere in his life complimenting him, telling him what great ideas he has, fulfilling an emotional need of his. Some women of professional men really battle with this. They get tired of hearing people praise their husbands. If you find yourself to be struggling with this you should consider praying to God and asking Him to help you discover what it is about you, that makes you exhibit feelings like that.

For most women sex is not number one on their list of emotional priorities, women are more complex, and you men need to understand that. Women respond the same way to small acts of kindness as they do to large acts of kindness. Men think they have to do something extravagant to make an impression, that is has to be something large, something special. Men may tend to make big deals of special occasions such as birthdays, anniversaries, and valentine’s day thinking that if they do something real fancy and really special it only needs to be occasional, (wrong). Don’t reserve love for special occasions, you should be loving your spouse daily and you could be doing so in simple acts of kindness, in thoughtfulness and consideration. Show intent of care, express your love for her by saying and doing the things that you know will touch her. If a man continues with simple acts of kindness, he will keep his wife in love with him for their entire lives. Guys instead of buying her 12 roses one time, buy her 1 rose 12 times, this will reflect your thoughtfulness and your love for her 12 times. Make plans to do things with her that share in companionship, things that 2 friends can have fun doing together. Out of consideration take time out to make the bed, clear off the table, wash the dishes, leave a little love note on the bathroom mirror.

Gentlemen, you need to also engage your wife in significant conversation, this is a meaningful way to not only express your love for her, but also to meet her emotional needs, (for a lot of women this means they talk and you listen). You can not just drift off into some distant land here, show your love by paying attention. Don’t try to give her the fixes for the things she is talking about. She does not want the fixes, she wants the quality time with you. So continue to acknowledge what she is saying and ask her about her comments in manners which show that you care about her feelings. Like, "how does that make you feel"?

Hopefully, you now see how important it is to have an otherness mind set in your relationships. If you want a faithful spouse, then make all the loving efforts you can to express your love for them, by the things you do, and by the things you say. Love in relationships is far more than sexual intercourse, love is looking to meet the other person at the source of their needs. I would suggest both partners in the relationship read "The Five Love Languages".

The key to your relationships success is knowing that neither of you are perfect, you are both going to make mistakes, you are both going to hurt each other, and therefore you will need to forgive one anothers imperfections. Much of the time people react in adverse manners to the pain that others have caused them, they get bitter instead of getting better. They want those who they feel hurt them to pain. The problem is that the only one it hurts is the one who does not forgive. Unforgiveness is like taking poison and then hoping that the other guy will die. "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us". Forgiveness is an act, it is not an emotion, it has nothing to do with your emotions. You may feel the pain from what that person did to you until the day you die, it has nothing to do with forgiveness. Forgiving does not erase your memory. Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. Forgiveness is a prerequisite of love.

If you truly love someone then you will forgive them out of your love for them, love is sacrificial. I Love You is an outward expression. Forgiveness is when you say; "I forgive you, I will never speak of it again, to you or to anyone else". Forgiveness has more to do with your tongue than your head or your heart. If you’re still talking about it, you have not forgiven it, you need to let it go.

When you hurt one another, be humble enough to recognize your mistakes and make every effort to earnestly apologize, and then show that you mean it by your actions. It takes time to build trust, trust is not something you build in a day. Look to integrate these love attributes into your current relationship and share them with your spouse.

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A lady made a mistake in the past, she got pregnant outside wedlock. Throughout the pregnancy, she was Maltreated. After giving birth to the son she was still maltreated. The husband beats her at the slightest provocation, he also cheats on her. She thinks of opting out cause they aren’t married yet and she doesn’t want them to be living together anymore. The man doesn’t want them to separate but he isn’t ready to marry her now. What should she do?

REPLY: For her safety she should immediately seek refuge elsewhere, perhaps with a parent or friend. And after that she should NOT EVEN CONSIDER being with him at all, at least until after he has received needed assistance with his abuse problem. And… can prove in some fashion that he has changed his behavior. This would be a lengthy process, she should be prepared to leave for a significant time, and perhaps permanently. Also, she should never live or sleep with him again unless she is married to him. He is going to need to find God in his life, and for some, change only comes when their pain exceeds the need for change. His problem may not be resolved for years to come, he was most likely abused himself, and he will need serious help to overcome this issue. Problem is, most won’t humble themselves and seek the necessary counsel.

I love reading your site, its gives me more reason to live again. I have been married for 2 years. before we got married i met my husband few years in Germany, we were very good friends and live together with no feeling, later we started having feeling for each other than it suddenly let to a relationship. the first day i met my husband he likes me so much that he told me if i accept him he will eventually get married to me, i laugh at first and said this guy is not serious. i refuse to go out with him, he said ok let be friends and we were friends until it later led to a serious relationship but it was rather unfortunate that i was deported, he cried and promise me not to worry that he would always be there for me. i when back to my country he was communicating with me sending money until i finally traveled to Indonesia, he was still calling me and sending me money but not as often as before because he had some loan he was paying and things were pretty hard for him at that time, back at me things were really rough for me, i needed to pay my fees, house renew my visa, if i ask him for money he will send me 100 euros, sometimes 50 euros, life also was so hard for me and being in a country with no job opportunity, there was this guy i met from Ghana, he was so kind to me, and started taking care of me, i never love him but because i needed to survived, i was dating him, later my husband told me he will like to married me, i was so happy and we both went back to our country and did our court marriage, but i never told him of my affair, but when i came back i stop the affair sincerely, he was paying more attention to me now i mean my husband, because at first communication was slow between us. At the other hand my husband was living with a girl in the same house for a year and even got her pregnant, it was after our marriage that i knew about it. he beg me of forgiveness and told me how much he love me, i understood and forgave him, before i met him he already has a son, i accepted it, and now he has another one so now i have 2 step sons which i have accepted. Not too long after we both when through his unfaithfulness, he later discover a text message in my phone which the guy i was dating in Indonesia send to me abusing me how i went and got married, came back and was treating him like a boy and toy, i reply and told him that is because am married now, so when he saw the message he was so bitter, i have cried and beg sleep on the floor kneel down in front of him yet it is difficult for him to forgive me, today he will tell me he has forgiven me the next day he will abuse and insult, calling me all types of name, when i remind him that do u remember u also cheated on me and i forgave u, why can’t u forgive me too, when i say those words is like i have provoke him, he will say a woman does not have right to compare with a man, he is a man and can do anything because he can married more than one wife, but where on earth have i seen a woman getting married to more than one man? Please help me, i love my husband so much and i don’t want to loose him, please advice me on what to do, because sometime i just feel like i should walk away, i know my husband loves me so much, i don’t just know what to do any more.

REPLY: Well he has not forgiven you, his pain remains, and he does not wish to be accountable for his actions, this is hypocrisy, sorry to say. You can not change him, or make him do anything, but you could print the following article and leave it where he would see it and maybe read it. Forgiveness Is Loves Prerequisite

I cheated on my fiance while he was away for 3 years and i recently disclosed to him, and now i cant forgive myself for the pain i caused. Sometimes i cant even look at myself. Ive been crying and hurting now since February of this year. We try to work it out and now out of no where he stops accepting my calls i don’t know what to do i feel like dying.

RESPONSE: First, pray to Jesus and ask Him for forgiveness. Second, change your behavior, make a decision right now that you are not going to allow your hormones and/or emotions to control you like this in the future. Third, realize that healing takes time, both for your fiance and for you, and understand that people heal in their time, not in yours. Fourth, understand that any and all trust has been shattered, trust is built up over time, so it will take time to build up again. Lastly stop beating yourself up over it, that is not going to accomplish anything. Receive the forgiveness from Jesus, seek wisdom, spend some productive time reading the bible.