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Come be a knight.

I suffer from depression and anxiety and have a physical illness that prevents me from going anywhere or achieving much. So... no I'm not happy. I'm worn down and frustrated and tired more than anything.

That's not to say my life is devoid of happiness. Things make me laugh, hobbies can bring me temporary enjoyment, Chura always knows how to cheer me up. It's just that happy isn't my default setting and I always revert back to the same state in the end without that positive stimulus.

What would make me happy? I guess either overcoming my limitations or finding a way around them. Obtaining the sense of success and fulfilment and security that I lack right now and escaping all the doubts and insecurities and other bullmuk in my head.

I think, it's probably impossible for me to ever 100% get better, but I'm working on it and I have good support from Chura and my family and my doctor and psych. I think that with their continued help and support I can at least achieve some semblance of the lasting happiness I want.

So, I'm not a happy person but I'm not defeated yet either and there's still joy in my life. It's a work in progress.

I try to treat happiness as a process and not as a goal. I don't think I'll ever "be happy" because there are always things nagging me in the back of my head and causing me to stress out. But it helps to identify those things and to realize that the majority of the time they aren't helpful thoughts, and can be bucked as: things I'm stressing over in the past (something I've said, or done, or not done), or something I'm worried about happening in the future (an upcoming deadline, a commitment I've made that I don't want to do, etc.)

The thing about both of those buckets is that I usually can't do anything about either of them right now. What I've done in the past is done. What I'm doing in the future hasn't happened yet. Letting those things take over my present just gives them more power and makes me unhappy, and most of the time I can't do anything about it anyway.

So I do this:

Something I did in the past -> what can I do differently next time -> come up with steps to do it differently or to let go of things that don't matter or can't change -> stop thinking about it.

Something that's coming up in the future -> is there something I can do now to prepare -> if so then do it -> if not then can I avoid the thing reasonably -> if not then let it go and stop thinking about it.

Ghost Owl said basically what I was going to say. Good post!
I'm doing my best to be happy with the present me. I always think "oh, i'll be happy when i get promoted. oh, i'll be happy when i lose weight. oh, i'll be happy when i learn this skill." There will always be another hurdle to happiness. Every time I clear a hurdle, there's another hurdle in the future. Instead, I want to cherish the present.

I am so vividly, disgustingly happy that it approaches the sickening. I bloody don't deserve it. Never will, and I try and wield that as my stigma. A clumsy and pathetic attempt, but its like my artistic side needs pain, and all it gets is this high of pure joy that only tempers to let the anxiety in. That's the closest I get to suffering. I'm about fifty million miles from the real thing.

I wish I was nicer in the pit of my gut, if only so I was more deserving. I don't think I'm a terribly nice person, really - like my loyalty is conditional, and I'd back my way out of anything if it was boring me. But I'm still very young. Lots of pain ahead, I reckon, which is nothing to look forward to. I'm actually scared to think that this happiness could ever stutter and stall.

And suffering doesn't necessarily entitle you to wonderful things, so my twisted logic is all knotted, as usual. But yes. Very bloody happy. Very pissed at myself for being such a blessed git. Glad for the knowledge that I can use my beautiful circumstances to help the people who are deserving, though.

I used to be very unhappy. I would often be told that my liking the stuff i like (aka girly things) would make me a bad person, and I never saw any reason not to take those words to heart, so I used to suffer loads :( It has made me over time choose to be more self absorbed a bit, as a defense against the type of suffering and guilt I would feel over reading that type of stuff.

I still prefer to be as kind a person as I can be even now, though, cuz i know this world needs kind people and i think caring in general is just in my nature (i'm not even known to discriminate against people i don't relate to at all, unless of course, they're just not nice people. traits i don't relate to, like being transgender or being into masculine things a lot, i don't really feel any reason to dislike people for those types of things and i don't see why anyone would waste they're fabric of being being against people for stuff like that o_o; i think people should care if people are being nice or not more, not their personal life style choices that don't seem to harm anyone...).

But, in general, i try not to think about nice or mean as much as i used to now. It does trigger my autism, also sometimes i have to be firm about having my own way about things more myself now too (whether or not it really seems 'fair' to others, but, i think, if i generally stay calm, people tend to respect my own life choices more).

Also, so i don't get all triggered over people in general since I DO still kinda care about that stuff a whole lot time to time, i do try to limit my usage of forums and socializing with other people more now (even though i've been meeting a lot more people who seem a lot moreso pro girlyness/girly girls in more resent years).

In general, being a loner has been a bit of an overall source of happiness and relaxation for me more so now. It may not work for everyone, but with the stress and anxiety i've generally went through, especially having autism hasn't really helped with it (though i'm sure there are also very GOOD things about my condition too....), it does seem being alone a bit can be a good thing for me. Or just not chatting online as much now (i still like chatting online somewhat, i have good friends on here i value a lot, but i do know i have my limits, as i've been triggered often. i actually like socializing irl more now, since i haven't been gaven as much reason to dislike that in the past xD; but, in general, being around others irl can get overwhelming a bit for me too. its nice to have me time now^^)

(btw, whether or not i really care about 'nice' and 'mean' as much i used to, i still plain don't like the idea of disliking people for having different lifestyle tastes. it seems pointless to me. hopefully i'll always feel that way. people getting worked up about stuff like that just doesn't help anything anyways o_o;; )

__________________

~Number One Korrina Fan Girl~
I didn't make this but its wonderful and beautiful :3 x3

Hiyo, i'm Jirachu~<3 Kawaii Pikachu and Jirachi cross, though now my favorite Pokemon character is Korrina; and I crush HARD on her lemme tell ya lol :3
Jackster is a good friend of mine on this forum so be nice to him please.
I wanna make other good friends here too ^_^Being girly is wonderful!!!!! :D

When I was living in the US and suffering under their poor health care system, and all of the other political bullmuk, I was miserable.

Moved to Finland, married the woman of my dreams, and got all of my mental health misdiagnoses corrected by a superior health care system, which meant I could also stop taking the bullmuk medications I was put on that were just making my anxiety and depression (but especially my anxiety) worse. Above all though, my wife has been the foundation for 99 percent of my new-found happiness. I met her about six years ago online through my Youtube channel when I still gave a muk about making videos and streams and such. To think we'd be married and I'd be a resident of the happiest country on earth at any point in my life... I'm just incredibly lucky.

I still suffer from the occasional bout of depression (that much is wired into me; can't escape it 100 percent), and panic attacks are sporadic, but compared to where I was in the toilet that has become the US, I may as well be the happiest man on earth.

I'm trying to get there, honestly I've been letting online people affect my mood too much and they shouldn't have that power over me. They're thousands of miles away, they can't affect me in real life, I'm just blocking and moving on because honestly they aren't entitled to me.
That's what I'm gonna try and do.

In an instant, sure, there are things that make us happy, or make us upset. But in the long term, I don’t think there are things that will make you happy, per sé. By default, you are fine, until something changes that prevents you from becoming happy with things that would normally do you. That’s depression, and the only solution is to fix whatever is dragging you down.

I used to be depressed for a long time, for a variety of reasons (mukty family relations, relationship issues, etc), and it was probably my depression that made me weak enough to let myself get dragged through the mud here years before. After gaining distance from the communities here I joined other places, mostly on Discord, and started my own company where I met the person who became my husband.

I think it was very important that I had the fortitude to do that on my own in spite of everything that happened to me, otherwise I doubt my husband would be my husband! He always said there was something strange about how I acted back then, that my behaviour didn’t line up at all with how I was underneath, and come to think of it I recall similar sentiments from Geoff about that as well. I think it’s pretty safe to say whoever I actually am is here, and there isn’t much left of what would possess me before, if you will.

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