A Diamond in the Rough (The Painfully Slow Evolution of a Baseball Team)

There are four measurements on a diamond: cut, clarity, color, and carrot. There are four measurements on a baseball field: hitting, throwing, running and catching. Both are measured in terms of perfection when it comes to a ring or the baseball field.

Talking to a scientist the other day, he informed me that a piece of crap, or a piece of coal, can turn into a diamond with enough pressure and time after several thousand years. This was sad news. Immortality is not my business. He also informed me that diamonds are extremely costly. I already knew that, but I questioned him further by asking why diamonds are just as expensive as going to a Seattle Mariner’s Baseball game. He laughed at me and replied, “That’s why they call the field a diamond…..it’s really expensive, because it’s a place to witness perfection.” Still shaking my head in disbelief, just like a child asks questions to an adult they can’t possibly answer, I asked “Don’t the Mariners play on a field then?” My business is asking rhetorical questions. My scientist friend knew he could not answer this question. Therefore, I answered it for him.

Here we go. “You see, scientist friend, when I grew up, I played on baseball fields. These fields were plagued with weeds and gigantic rocks almost resembling erratics from the Great Missoula Floods. The stands were filled with angry fathers not volunteering their time but volunteering their mouths during a game littered with nice kids, but crappy ballplayers. There were these unusual ladies also showing up giving little advice, other than, “who is in charge of the treats at the next game?” Later on, I found out they were mothers. I found it strange they didn’t even watch the game. They did their nails, gossiped, and spoke evilly of their estranged husbands. But, what baffled me the most was when their son struck out in four consecutive at bats on twelve consecutive pitches, the mother would hand him a soda, or a drumstick or a fruit roll up and say, “Wow, you were terrific today!” Now if you say that to a real ballplayer after striking out, it adds kindling to the campfire. It might smell good, but it still burns like hell. So, the only proper thing to do as a real ballplayer is to toss the soda over a fence, beat one of your other crappy teammates with the drumstick and refrain from strangling your mother with the fruit roll up. Then you head home and sneak a beer out of your father’s hidden stash in the basement.

Mr Scientist seemed to be getting bored with my explanation, so he wanted me to reach my point. So, I told him that diamonds are supposed to be beautiful. Since a field represents a little league ballpark, a baseball diamond should be saved for when you make it to the big leagues…….you know, like the guys I used to watch on T.V. and admired since I left the womb. Those guys deserved to play on a Baseball Diamond. The Seattle Mariners have a dynamite field, but let’s not go too far as to refer to it as a diamond.

I’ve been watching these guys play for 35 years. If it takes another one thousand years to see them in the World Series, I’m clean out of luck. This chunk of coal doesn’t have that much time to see a diamond, unless it’s on my wife’s finger. I see that every day.

With all this being written atop my soap baseball box, I’m on my way to go see a chunk of coal on a baseball field at Keep me Safeco Field. I’ll purchase a ticket, buy some Cracker Jacks, a dog and a beer, financing the diamond earrings the players will wear after the game and, hopefully, not become too embarrassed by the mothers and fathers misunderstanding the process of how long it takes a coal turn into a diamond.