As Warner Bros. reportedly offers Christian Bale $50 million to reprise the role of Batman—and the Internet continues to pitch Ryan Gosling and Orlando Bloom as possible successors—Val Kilmer took to Conan last night to explain the numerous downsides of playing the DC Comics superhero.

The actor likened his experience filming 1995’s Batman Forever to feeling like a helpless old man in many punishing senses—at least when it came to scenes requiring the famous latex suit. “You need help getting dressed,” Kilmer explained. “It takes about 45 minutes to get undressed. . . . You need help going to the bathroom. You can’t hear anymore because [the costume] is plastic [and pulled tight over your head].”

As if those were not sufficient warnings for any potential Batman stars, Kilmed added the kicker: “And then when you call out for help, no one comes! In between takes, you’re like a mannequin. You’re in a kind of lounge chair [not able to move]. You’re like, ‘Daisy, can I have some water?’” Maybe having seen this tape, Warner Bros. would like to inflate its rumored Bale offer to the G.D.P. of a slightly more economically established country.

In other Val Kilmer news, while the actor is adamantly against playing Batman ever again, he is in favor of starring in hundreds of Val Kilmer cell-phone selfies—even giving Conan O’Brien a horrifying tutorial on last night’s show. One gem of Val Kilmer selfie advice: “It requires a lot of patience and possibly blood.”