Current weather

Barnes: Where have all the well-mannered phone people gone?

Posted: Sunday, January 14, 2001

As annoying as the answering machines are that tell you to press 1 if you're delivering a baby, 2 if you're being held at gunpoint or 3 if you want the current weather, sometimes talking with real live people is worse. I remember a time when it was a matter of pride that the people answering office telephones were polite and represented their boss or their company. OK, so I'm old. There really was a time people were civil.

M.A.

Barnes

Nowadays I've told some executives I think they'd be better off just to buy an answering machine rather than have a person who views answering a ringing telephone as an inconvenience. I telephoned an attorney recently. I said, ''Hi, is Mr. X there?''Name withheld to protect the guilty. She said, ''No.''

Silence.

I waited for her to offer something like ''He's stepped out, but I expect him back this afternoon, may I give him a message,'' or ''He'll be out until Monday, could I help you?'' She said nothing. Then we played the old game of, ''He who speaks first loses.'' I lost.

I thanked her for being so helpful, then asked her how she might propose I communicate with Mr. X? She then came out with my least favorite expression in the world -- ''I have no idea.''

It's my opinion those in service positions should never have ''no idea.'' If they don't have an idea, they should either get one or not bother answering the telephone in the first place, wasting everyone's time. I shudder to think someone is paying people money to make customers mad as hops.

She finally resentfully took my name and number because I seemed to be interrupting something she was doing that was more important than what she was hired to do. When I pressed her for more information about Mr. X, she told me she had no idea where he was, when he was coming back, if he was coming back, if he was on an extended vacation or if he was still living. Now, I know there are some bosses who don't inform their office staff where they are -- but there are rules for answering the telephone.

The phrases ''I don't know'' and ''I don't care'' just don't have the right spirit. And ''I have no idea'' is grounds for a fistfight.

I talked with Mr. X later. I ran into him in the grocery store or might not have ever reached him. I suggested he cut his overhead and buy an answering machine. It might also help him keep the few clients he had left who hadn't been run off by his secretary yet. He told me she was doing much better than when he first hired her.

Medical offices are the worst. The staff seems to feel its duty on earth is to protect the doctor from his/her patients at all costs. I have a friend who has bad-mouthed a doctor for 15 years. It seems she had a medical crisis and ''his office'' wouldn't help her. She's actually been mad at whoever it was who answered the phone that day, who is probably long gone by now. But that poor old doc is still taking a beating. Do doctors know this? Doctors, disguise your voice and call your office

What has happened to service and manners? To helpfulness, responsibility and pride in one's work? I guess they went down the sewer along with television sitcoms and talk shows.

The other response that makes the hair stand up on my arm is when I say thank you and they say, ''No problem!'' Like I was a big problem and a pain in the rear, but they magnanimously overcame it. There's something condescending about ''No problem.'' Just once more I'd like to hear, ''You're welcome'' or ''My pleasure.'' Ah, memories.

Have you ever called people who just can't wait to get you off the line because they're busy talking to their friends? They say, ''I'll tell the person you called, goodbye.'' If I have time before they hang up, I point out they can't because they don't know who I am. I give them my name and they say, 'OK, good-bye.'''

When I suggest maybe they'd like to have my telephone number, it's ''Uh ... don't they have it? Just a minute, let me find a pencil.'' I somehow know intuitively (I'm quick) they didn't write my name down either and would never recall it in my lifetime or theirs. I can just hear them hoping their friends haven't hung up on them while they've been wasting time with me.

I'm also thrilled when I'm in a store and the clerk takes telephone calls while I stand and wait. The clerk goes on and on, not putting the calls on hold. The clerk is waiting on the phone instead of me, the dummy who has walked into the store to actually buy something. I usually just walk out, but it's an empty gesture. The only person inconvenienced is me, and the clerk is relieved to continue uninterrupted on the phone. Worse yet are those blabbing away on a personal call and won't stop -- while I stand there and clear my throat.

Yes, I know. What do I expect for minimum wage? I guess I expect people to do the job or don't take it in the first place. Surely they knew what it paid.

I think telephone-answerers need to go to smile school like airline stewardesses used to. Or the bosses paying the salaries ought to anonymously call their offices now and again to see what kind of messages their offices are sending customers. Either that or I should just call and not bother going into the store.

No, now I'm back to where I started -- trying to talk to the person at the lawyer's office who's probably talking to the clerk in the store I just walked out of. What to be done? I have no idea.

Features writer M.A. Barnes can be reached at mabarnes@negia.net or (706) 208-2220.