This is a Scandalous Sex Circle That Just Needed To Be Drawn

My coworker Mandi and I have a weekly tradition known as “Trash Talk Fridays.” As the name implies, we pretty much spend the entire day sitting in her office discussing all the horrifying things our colleagues have done throughout the week while coming up with all sorts of conspiracy theories. My favorite theory is probably one that originated with the assistant to the lady who works in an office next to the woman who does insurance billing for our outpatient department. SHE SAYS that when my boss claims to “not have cell service” while on top of a mountain, it’s actually because he’s in the Philippines, banging teenage hookers. I cannot condone taking advantage of teenage women when there a number of sophisticated and mature Prague escorts available.

You can see why these conversations are a necessary part of my week.

The other day she shut her door and made me promise not to tell anyone what she was about to share (but obviously the internet doesn’t count). Apparently she’d just had a conversation with a lady who’s been friends with The Other Woman for the last few decades.

Quick Recap: I dated a guy for about a year who ended up going bat shit psycho. A few months after I dumped him, I was contacted by The Other Woman—who had apparently also been in a relationship with him for the previous ten years. It got way complicated and sordid.

This friend was super fed up with The Other Woman for dating a new loser and went on a long rant about all her past dialing failures. Obviously I can’t judge but then it came up that before she shacked up with my psychotic ex, she’d had an affair with a guy we know from corporate.

“Wait,” I said. “I thought he was banging Teresa back then.”

Teresa is another one of our coworkers.

“He was,” Mandi said. “But apparently he was also getting it on with The Other Woman.”

All of this while his wife also worked here.

“And around this same time he was also boinking Sandy from Clinical,” I added, trying to wrap my mind around the love triangle.

Mandi rubbed her hands together, truly savoring the deliciousness of it all.

“So yeah, basically Sandy, The Other Woman, and Teresa have all f*cked eachother.

She looked super pleased with her conclusion but my brain was slowly drawing the next one.

I had to throw in a few “randoms” because some people in the workplace sex stories are never named and/or I can’t be bothered to remember things like that. As with all data involving disgusting things, these numbers are probably grossly underrepresented. I’m not great with the maths.

So…wouldn’t it be easier and faster to just draw a diagram of colleagues who are NOT one degree of separation away from screwing psycho-ex? It would save time and paper because the only names on it would be Mandi (presumably) and the the assistant to the lady who works in an office next to the woman who does insurance billing for your outpatient department (possibly).

You are so smart. And right. You should come replace my boss and run the hospital. Yes, Mandi is proudly NOT on this list anywhere. We happy houred tonight and she brought this up YET AGAIN. I wanted to just respond to the conversation with this link.

Don’t feel bad Aussa. You are the only sane one and the young and naive one in the group so those others need some reevaluation that you, God Bless, definitely took a stand and helped yourself excluding all their crap.

It’s unfortunate that one of Mr. Bat-Shit Psycho’s exes didn’t lop off his bollocks at some point, preferably before you had the unhappy luck of meeting him. Well, at least it’s given you plenty of blog material, and isn’t that what’s important in life?

I’ve got four daughters between ages 11 and 14 who are aware of and even occasionally read my blog, so I have to be careful trotting out my shenanigans. Kind of dulls things down a bit.

It truly is unfortunate that no one castrated him, but I do comfort myself in knowing that I have frightened him out of my area of the city and that his most recent girlfriend reported that his sexual performance “left something to be desired.” She uses kinder words than I.

It was definitely a web! We talk about it often at work… how people come in totally normal (ish) and then work there a while and end up in all sorts of situations they never would have imagined. Who knows how that happens.

Funny story…I have a Google document with the names of every dude I’ve banged. And I was recently looking at it. And then some other stuff happened that was less funny. (It’s not necessarily a good idea to Google your former FBs).

I have it written down too. For some reason, I worry that someone’s going to ask me and I won’t remember, like it’s some kind of test: “WHAT’S THE CAPITAL OF MALAYSIA? HOW MANY DUDES HAVE YOU BANGED?!” And I’m like, “Kuala Lampur! Fifty-eight!” I’m just kidding about 58. Also, I’m really not sure if that’s the capital of Malaysia.

I remember when I worked at AT&T, all the girls I worked with would sit down and write their lists and compare them and see who all they shared. It’s a thing. I was still naive and untroubled back then. No mas.

I swoon for your google doc. Mine would be short, like a post it. But I admire your doc-ness. I have some other rather unsavory documents…. and oh god, some rather frightening “files” in my home office.

Ha! The most terrifying (and stupid) rumour I’ve heard (about myself, actually) was that I married my second husband so that I could have an affair with my first husband so that his new wife wouldn’t be suspicious. True. My second husband tried to use this “argument” when I decided to divorce his narcissistic ass so that he could get more money out of me. And oh yes, I had to disclose the location of the gold coins that I had secretly stored in the Cayman Islands. Yup. Those were from my first career as a pirate.

Woah woah woah. So were these caribbean gold coins just a delusion like his other accusation? Wow. And here’s my thought… of someone really does have secret gold coins hidden away, why does that mean you deserve half of them? I don’t get it. And it seems like a lot of trouble to marry someone so you can bang someone you used to be married to. That’s inefficient, must say.

I used to mess around with a head dispatcher from the limo place in Brooklyn where I worked for 5 yrs. Found out that he was also screwing the overnight lady-dispatcher (an older woman) AND the Brazilian phone operator who trained me (on the PHONES; NOT on the head drunkass). He also went a little psycho & harassed me incessantly during my shift (I was his Channel 2 while he dispatched in the evenings so I sat RIGHT NEXT TO HIM) because me and Brazil had a heart-to-heart about HIM and fessed up to each other. So, apparently, I “ruined his life” when I told Brazil.

Not only were we all 6-degrees-of-separation-fucking EACH OTHER, but since I was no innocent in this whole convoluted mess, THEY were all 6DOS-fucking my first husband!

That is all f***** up Aussa! LOL I don’t usually use the F word, but it seemed to fit today. 😉
As for rumors, I have never started any, but have had plenty started about me. From me being a lesbian, to hiding men in my house. Yeah, all those rumors? My mom started them about me! Truth! LOL

So I’m curious: is “Bully nurse who shat herself” to distinguish her from the nice nurses who shat themselves, or from the other bully nurses who didn’t?
I was never very interested in sexual geometry. Biology and literature, maybe. On the other hand, when I was a sophomore, it might have held my attention better than Euclid.

Hahahaha I’m so glad you took the time to truly read the diagram. Lets me know I didn’t waste my efforts. And yes, it’s to remind me specificially of which nurse out of all the ones that shat themselves, I’m referring to.

Also: I’m aware that I misspelled “specifically” but I tried to re-write it four times and kept failing so it seemed like it just wanted to be that way.

Have you seen those STD public service commercials where they talk about “If you’ve had sex with him, you’ve also had sex with everyone he has slept with”? I was trying to Google it to find a link for you, but the first thing that came up was a link to “I am sleeping with my biological brother,” and “I just had sex with my twin.” So, see – it can always be worse.

I have, Jana. I… there something that tells me this was before Aussa’s prime time, like during her young childhood, at best. Sorry, Aussa. Seriously, though, the ’90s were crazy about PSAs like this. No, seriously. It was the time Beavis and Butthead commented on the “People Are Still Having Sex” music video which was supposedly about the AIDS epidemic, and Butthead looked at one of the visual effects and said, “Whoa, that thing’s getting it on with a doughnut!” and then of course, he went to the fridge to get a doughnut…

of course, this was back in the day when MTV still showed a lot of music videos, before Beavis and Butthead came back recently and Mike Judge had to have them commenting on reality TV shows instead (like Jersey Shore)

I’m sorry…does that bubble say “bully nurse who SHAT herself”?! At first I thought it said “shot” and then I zoomed in to 300% and I’m pretty sure that’s an A. Is that story on your blog somewhere? I have an immature sense of humor and I didn’t know that was something that actually happened to people, so I need to read it.

I think I blogged about her at one point as cornering me in a room and pointing at me and telling me that my body was too alluring. But I don’t think I included the part about her shatting herself and I don’t think I ever wrote about how she started doing drugs and wearing converse to work and falling asleep in report while trying to make people look at photos of her dog.

oh god, whether it’s a group of coworkers or a group of acquaintances from downtown, I hate thinking about this kind of stuff. Although it’s comical, I just don’t want to think about it because I eventually will get grossed out.

Again, Aussa, your comments here are golden. I had to reply to a few things people said.

As to your question, well, you know people love to watch TV on the Internet. What? “I don’t do Dish.” As in, trash talk is bad BAD juju. You know what I mean. Me trying to draw up “sex circles” runs more like a horror flick than a porno. I heard enough trash talk from my mother, and anything else draws up memories like: “Emily, I don’t give a f*** about what you and your fundie hubby think about all the shameful students passin’ the STDs ho-bagging at university here in cow town!” They had an obsession about this, which also included slut-shaming stories about the LARP organization (but not the local group, apparently they were all proper… whatever) we were a part of. Because vampires and sex. And sometimes werewolves.

Oh, and repressed me. If I got sex, it usually went train wreck from hell. Because childhood abuse. Sexual abuse, even. Just can’t joke about that shite.

I found out during an “off” period with my on-again-off-again-old-man-ex that he had previously gotten it in with a chick I worked with…who was 10 years older than him, a grandmother and, basically, gross. I considered the year plus between when this happened and when we first got together a “revirginizing” for him. If I don’t consider that, I get grossed out, still.

Ooooo “old man ex” you say? DO TELL! An yikes– she’s a grandmother? Well obviously you know I am in no position to judge but it certainly sounds juicy. And I fully endorse this theory of revirginizing. In fact, I declare it as science. Go forth and live without care.

When I was attending college, in a town of about 20,000, I worked in a restaurant/bar. After work, a few of us girls were sitting around having beers, and someone mentioned that so-and-so was dating her ex now. From there, we began tracing boyfriend “lineages” among us, and let’s just say, we’d crossed the streams. The light bulb went off, and someone said “Oh my god, we’ve all pretty much had sex with each other.” Since this was the ’90’s, I’m sure the PSA that Jana mentioned probably influenced that segue.

So, that was a fun, awkward moment. And, because I didn’t have an STD, I naively said “Well, it’s a good thing this pool is pretty clean, because, ya know, STDs.” A few of the girls looked down at that point, and then came an even more uncomfortable silence.

Yeah, I went and got the full battery of tests that week. All came back negative, thank goodness. Apparently, I’d just been really, really lucky.

Hahaha! I remember watching a very similar conversation play out when I worked at AT&T and every girl would write and then compare their “list.” You know… THAT list. I didn’t have one at the time because I was strange inside/super awesome.

So glad you were STD free. Ha! Surprisingly I think that’s the first time I’ve written that in a comment…