DOWN IN THE TUBE
Oscar winner Julianne Moore was seen on the subway last Wednesday afternoon traveling between Water Mill and Bridgehampton. She was carrying a pumpkin. Louis C.K., the comedian, was seen holding onto the overhead strap on the subway traveling between Sag Harbor and East Hampton. He was looking very serious.

LAWSUIT
Hamptons Subway is being sued by Donald Trump for $4 million as a result of an altercation between a statue of him and a subway door at the Southampton station last May 3 at the Hampton Bays station. A campaign volunteer was carrying the aforementioned statue off a subway car onto the platform when the closing doors caused the raised right arm of the paper mache Trump to get lopped off. Trump is also suing for triple damages for pain and suffering and has added this encounter to his campaign stump speech as proof that the election process is “rigged.” The campaign volunteer has been fired.

BURGLARS CAUGHT
Thanks to an alert straphanger in a subway car at the Hither Hills Subway Station on Monday, two burglars were arrested red-handed, holding rolls of Christmas tree lights that belong to the Montauk Historical Society. The straphanger pulled the emergency cord, called the subway police, and kept the burglars occupied while the subway authorities announced a “delay.” The police arrived. They handcuffed the two men and hauled them away.

The police report that after they gave the suspects the third degree, the burglars confessed they had stolen these lights—seven hundred feet of them—right off the sides of the Montauk Lighthouse where they had been attached from the ground to the top since 2007. The burglars used ladders, pliers and big potato sacks to purloin the lights in a midnight raid last Monday. They’d found a buyer—the people that keep charge of the Provincetown Lighthouse on Cape Cod. They were off to make a delivery. The theft follows the announcement that no Christmas lights would adorn the Montauk Lighthouse in 2016. It was too expensive to put up and take down. Cost would be $50,000. Apparently, nobody realized that the lights had never been taken down after 2007, so all that would have to do would be to flip the switch to turn them on. Now, with the lights actually down and gone, they are right —it would cost $50,000.

Commissioner Aspinall of the Hamptons Subway has graciously offered to give them back to the Montauk Lighthouse for this year, but was told they have no room to store the lights there. As a result they’ve told Hamptons Subway to use the lights ourselves, and so we plan to do just that, festooning them throughout the subway platforms when the time comes—unless the Lighthouse can raise the necessary funds to take the lights back by November 1.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
A man named Alfred J. Burdock has dug a pedestrian tunnel from his property’s backyard leading underground to a secret side door entrance to the East Hampton subway platform. (The subway tunnel goes under his property.) We were tipped off to this by real estate agent Harry Hodgekiss, who said the property is for sale and includes a gym, helicopter pad, swimming pool, tennis courts and free access to the subway system. We have bolted the door down on our platform from the inside. This is unacceptable.