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Don't know where this post will go, but I feel like I just need to get things out.

I'm filled with joy at the blossoming friendship between Indigo and Mr. A. They are talking to each other some of the time when working out the weekly schedule. This takes a lot of pressure off of me to balance everyone's needs.

Yesterday, Mr. A had a terrible day at work. The company he works for is going under; it's only a matter of time. He's a flight instructor, and finding work in that field is next to impossible right now. He works long days, but isn't paid unless he's actually flying or can scrounge up enough tasks in one lump to bill hours. Or really, hour. It's not uncommon for him to make less than $20 during a ten hour work day. Apparently, this is the industry norm, and there is nothing anyone can do to improve these conditions because there is a surplus of pilots. Don't like the way things work? That's okay, there are dozens waiting to replace you. Not every day is like this, mind you, but enough are.

It's heartbreaking to see someone so motivated and passionate have his love and dreams crushed to bits. (The reality is that I am his secondary, flying is his primary. )

I was a complete and total bitch to Indigo yesterday. I get stressed, and lash out. Uncontrolled. Quite frankly, verbally/emotionally abusive. I'm working on it, but really it can't get better fast enough. The pain I inflict is unacceptable. Unfortunately, for me to understand and therefore control these episodes, they have to happen. I gain a bit of understanding each time, but it never feels like it's worth the cost.

The only two people in my life who are close enough to me to see this side are Indigo and my father. Why must I hurt most the ones I love most? Dad endured years of this bullshit from my mother, so he's a saint at ignoring me when I get into a mood. Indigo ... he grew up in a loving family. There was no hidden agenda. He asks sometimes how you can speak to someone you love in such a way. Irony is, I act this way because he is close enough to know the worst side of me. I have no answer as to why. And I wonder why it happened to me when I was apparently loved by Mother.

She used to tell me I was a manipulative bitch. A horrible person who would end up alone. And I look at the wedding and my guests. My maid of honour? Dad's girlfriend. One childhood best friend and his long-term gf. Maybe two coworkers who are friends, but not close friends. And my boyfriend.

Who invites their boyfriend to their own fucking wedding?

After everything yesterday, Indigo volunteered to drive me across town AND pick me up from Mr. A's. Almost an hour and a half of driving total. After I was a useless blob all day. So that I would feel better seeing Mr. A, and so that Mr. A might feel better after a terrible day, without the added pressure of arranging pickup/delivery of me.

I've not been posting much lately. I found that I would write out a reply to something that has been said, but then pick it apart until I no longer felt it was even worth posting. This is probably not unrelated to my recent depression/anxiety spike. So I'm going to try and write a little more freely, though I reserve the right to correct typos!

Speaking of anxiety and depression, my doctor added a new med to my current mix. The side effects hit me like a ton of bricks last week, and I called him Monday to talk about it. He agreed that I could cut the dose in half, since I seem to be sensitive to the drug, and that seems to be doing the trick. It's too soon to see if it will work, but at least the side effects are under control now.

Mr. A was quite concerned about my meds, and asked all sorts of (normal) questions that he'd never asked before. I thought it odd at the time, but then realized that this was the first med change he's been through with me, whereas Indigo has been around for quite a few and I myself have been through just about every class of drugs that can help with depression and anxiety, with the exception of MAOIs. I encouraged him to speak Indigo about it as well, if he needed an outside perspective.

Indigo and Mr. A are continuing to form a friendship. Indigo said the sweetest thing on MSN to me the other day ... He said we needed to ask Mr. A about his needs for Christmas. I am more of a last minute planner, so I hadn't gotten there yet, but to know that he is taking Mr. A's needs into account gives me the warm fuzzies. Mr. A also hadn't gotten around to thinking about Christmas yet, but was reassured by Indigo's concern. I do believe his "the other man" feeling is slowly being beat into submission.

Tonight, the three of us are going out for dinner before "date time" with Mr. A. Tomorrow, I'm making wonton soup for the gents, and we'll spend a quiet evening either watching TV or gaming together, or doing seperate activities in the same room. (Default is Mr. A games, Indigo surfs the net or reads, I surf or read or watch Mr. A game.)

We're becoming more and more at ease as the three of us. Small gestures of affection, touches, hugs, the occassional chaste kiss are all happening smoothly. It's wonderful to be myself, and be at ease as a couple around whomever is not part of the couple in that moment. Affection ebbs and flows freely through me to both men and it's a wonderful sensation.

How true! The other day I had an argument with Sean. I told Ian (Raga), he asked what had happened, and I realised... I didn't know!
Was it that stupid that we were arguing about nothing at all?
I wonder how many arguments are like that, caused by little things, because we're stressed out, because we need time alone, or for whatever silly reason that makes us edgy...
And how many of them tear couples apart over something ridiculous?

Wedding plans are falling into place. It almost seems effortless right now. As a bonus, I'm able to be excited, because I'm not thinking about all of the things that still need to be done.

The Indigo/Mr. A split is working well. Everyone is happy. This makes me happy.

Indigo and I continue to work on our bedroom issues. Two steps forward, one step back. On the positive side, I am feeling much more connected to him and enjoying the physical contact we do have much more than I used to. We are sexually intimate less often, but physically intimate more. I feel better about the intimacy we are having, even though there is less sex. I am confident that we will resolve this; it's just going to take time.

I started a new medication about 3 weeks ago. At first, the side effects were unbearable, but after a dosage adjustment, things have actually been good. I feel grounded. I feel comfortable in my own skin. It's hard to describe.

Mr. A and I started jogging. He used to run, a couple of years back, and it was something I was thinking about before I even knew this! I hope this energy I've found is here to stay. Often when I start a medication, I get a "boost" for a little while, and then it fades away. Hopefully, I can make enough positive changes in my life before the boost wears off and sustain this good energy I have.

I'm definitely feeling off today. I knew I shouldn't have posted about how well I was feeling yesterday!

Money issues are bugging me. Weddings are really fucking expensive. (I'm allowed to swear on my own blog, right? I really fucking hope so. Fuck.) We're not in any trouble financially, but it's painful to watch the little nest egg that we've built up get smaller.

Something was bothering me last night with Mr. A and I couldn't place it. He was late picking me up, but it was understandable because work delayed him. He told me about chatting with an old friend, someone he trusts, and explaining our arrangement. She said something to the effect that he always finds himself in strange relationships.

That really hurt me. I know what some of his past GFs were like. Crazy, possessive, selfish. Generally, things I try not to be. So it hurt to be lumped in with them.

But that triggered something. Something I couldn't figure out at first. Then I got it. I feel like some sort of dirty secret. In four months, I've never met his work friends. I've met one other friend. His parents don't even know he has a girlfriend. (And he doesn't need to even mention poly to them, as previously agreed on by the three of us.)

So, compounded by the fact that our relationship is unconventional, I was feeling pretty second-class.

We talked. His reasons are all valid, so I'm working on feeling better.

He's never met his coworkers' SOs, with the exception of a brief visit by one's fiancée to drop something at work off. He does talk about me a fair bit, but the guys generally keep SOs and work separate, physically.

He doesn't have many real life friends, and none of them live close. The one friend I have met is very important to him, so that was meaningful. This friend also gave his stamp of approval, which I know means a lot to Mr. A.

He's scared to death to tell his parents, because he loves me. They've never approved of any relationship he's had. He doesn't want them to make things more difficult for us. He's still financially dependent on them. (He's a pilot, and it turns out that training is really frickin' expensive.) I also gathered that while he doesn't have a great relationship with his parents, they are his parents and he doesn't want me to hate them.

So yeah.

My anxiety is batshit crazy right now. I'll be going home with Indigo shortly. I plan on having a run, then working from home for the afternoon.