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Topic: How many times do you invite someone? (Read 5359 times)

I've never really thought about it, but I realize now that when this was put to the test in the past, I went with three. Now, though, I think I'd reduce that to two, unless I was getting a lot of other positive feedback and reciprocation from the person. The time I got turned down three times still kind of bugs me and makes me feel badly, and I wish I had stopped a little sooner.

Then again, if I had, I'd still probably be wondering if that person and I might have been great friends today--at least now I know! So maybe it depends on which fear motivates you more.

What if your friends keep inviting you to things they KNOW (or have to know) you can't attend?

I have a 9 to 5 (often longer) job. Two friends of mine who are retired ask me to go to events DURING my work time. Such as a 10 AM hike, two hour lunch, 2 PM matinee, etc. They always seem shocked that i can't just drop what i'm doing at work and go out to "play" with them. They then get annoyed that I'm putting my job ahead of fun. Ummmm, I'd get fired if I did what they suggest.

What do you do then instead of declining all of the time?

Well, if they are retired, they've probably got out of the habit of remembering working hours. But I would have assumed that with enough notice you could have booked time off. But then I (and they) don't know how much time off you can have, whether or not you've already allocated that time, and how much notice you need. And maybe they want you to know they enjoy your company.

I would NEVER assume somebody would want to do something during work hours to the point that they expected me/them to take time off - in the category of hike, show, etc. Those categories of things I expect to be done at a time when nobody is working. A museum will be open on the weekend when most office jobs aren't open, so when I worked an office job, I went to things like that on the weekend. Now that I work varied hours with no 'weekend' I go to things when I can, and if it's 3+ months out, I'll make sure I arrange that time period off. But MY schedule is varied, so it's not a big deal with get the time off, I'll just work a different shift that day. Back in my office job days, neither I nor any of my 'office job holding' friends did fun things during work hours, the only thing that would get me to schedule time off back then was something that HAD to be done during those hours, and could not be done after hours or on the weekend. I think it's incredibly arrogant for retired people to plan things during an employed person's work hours, and then get huffy because that person needs to work, not play. Work is work, and it funds my life - I'm not jeopardizing it to go play with somebody.

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Newly widowed, fairly cranky, prone to crying at the drop of a hat. Newly a MIL; not yet a Grandma. Keeper of chickens and dispenser of eggs! Owner of Lard Butt Noelle, kitteh extraordinaire!

My number is definitely a 3. And I'm talking about people that I see another social situations, such as work or volunteering opportunities. And if I'm having a party and I would like to get to know them better, I'll invite them. But after three times, that's it! I agree with the previous posters who said there are no hard feelings, & I don't feel bad about it. But if you don't want to pursue something closer with me, I got the hint!

I'll go with the three rule, although, again, it depends on the person.

My ex had a friend who lived a few hours away. He and his wife then had a baby. The wife felt the need to apologize for not coming to all the things they were invited to! Turns out her friends were giving her grief for not showing up to every birthday or play date or whatever party. I told her, we'll keep inviting you, you come when you can. We never expected them to show up but were always glad when they could.

I miss that wife. Actually, his friends is what I miss most about my ex. Huh.

Three. Well, I've pretty much had it with one person, but Lucas keeps giving him pity points. Really fun guy when we do get together, health issues, 4 time divorced, he says he loves our parties but it is quite a trip for him - 2 hours. Won't stay at our home so rents a room. But his invitations to us are, "Meet me at the club some Friday! I'm always there."

The ones I'm thinking of specifically, we invited for a quiet camping trip, which they did. We invited them to an annual party with people they kind of knew over the years. They came. Kids invited them to our anniversary party. They came. They keep writing on the the Christmas card, "We've got to get together sometime! Love, C & N". Enough, already. You are our age in similar situations, you make the arrangements.

I had 3 declines to meet a woman from work for lunch and even though she was very friendly at work and we talked on the phone a time a two, I just quit.

For me, no rules. There are so many variables that coming up with a hard and fast number is impossible. If it's someone I just met and I extend an invite and they say "no thanks" that may be the end...depending on what reasoning, if any, they offer. Friends, family would get more...especially if I know something is happening in their lives that make their desire/ability to hang out wane.

As for offering alternatives immediately...I don't expect people to do this all the time, nor do I always offer an alternative. If someone asks me to lunch and I can't make it, I'll just say so. I don't necessarily start thinking that I have to offer an alternate lunch date or some kind of substitute for the outing. With friends, we already know we see each other when we can and when we can't, we don't. There's no pressure to even out the invites or make sure everything is reciprocated. With a new person that I don't know well, I can see me offering up a substitute as a way to communicate that I'd still like to do something even if the original invite is not accepted, but I can't say that if it's me doing the asking and them doing the declining, I necessarily take the lack of a substitute offer as a sign that they don't ever want me to invite them to something again. Normally, I'm pretty good at getting those reads from body language and tone and can't recall a time where I've pursued someone and didn't get the hint that they needed me to back off (of course, if I didn't get the hint, how would I know? I can't really think of time where I've issued endless invites and been rejected each time, but not saying it has never happened...just can't think of something right now.)

My number would be three, but I actually think two is sufficient. I think if someone has declined twice, it is up to them to issue the next invite. But I might try a third time if it is someone I would really like to spend time with.

What if your friends keep inviting you to things they KNOW (or have to know) you can't attend?

I have a 9 to 5 (often longer) job. Two friends of mine who are retired ask me to go to events DURING my work time. Such as a 10 AM hike, two hour lunch, 2 PM matinee, etc. They always seem shocked that i can't just drop what i'm doing at work and go out to "play" with them. They then get annoyed that I'm putting my job ahead of fun. Ummmm, I'd get fired if I did what they suggest.

What do you do then instead of declining all of the time?

Well, you might have the day off one day. What's worse? Never being invited or never being able to accept?

Invite them to something. See how that goes. If they only want to do things on their times and their terms you know where you are.

Inviting someone to something during the workday isn't weird. What's weird is that DollyPond's friends know she works at least 9-5 and still get annoyed that she can't take off on short notice for relatively trivial social events.

The further in advance it is, the more likely someone with a regular schedule will be willing and able to take that day or half-day off. By all means ask, if there's a possibility that your friend might have the day off for some arcane reason (maybe the company is always closed on the 23rd of January, or maybe the office roof collapsed in a storm) or have put in for vacation time and then had to cancel her previous plans for the day. But if I made that sort of invitation, I would expect "sorry, I'm working" and I wouldn't push.

On the other hand, it doesn't sound like any of the things that those friends are inviting her to are the sort of things where I'd expect someone to make a big deal about my not being able to join them--they aren't life milestones (and if you're getting married on 48 hours' notice, you don't expect all your friends to be there) nor medical or other emergency things where they need someone to lean on.

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Any advice that requires the use of a time machine may safely be ignored.

Assuming we're talking about a new acquaintance, and not someone who's already a good friend, I'd say probably two, and then it's on them to go for it. After two declines, I might keep them on the list for a bigger thing for awhile if they seemed enthusiastic about the idea but unable to go. With people who are already my friends, i am not really counting declines because we're all busy, and if the overall friendship still feels reciprocal, I wouldn't drop someone for being flaky for a couple of months. It happens.

I would say 2-3 times also. I'm thinking of someone I don't know very well, that I'd like to get to know better. If they decline 2-3 of my invitations without making any effort on their part to move the friendship closer, I would take that as a sign they weren't interested. That's not to say I would give them the cut direct after that or anything, I would just leave the ball in their court, saying something like, "Ah, too bad. Well, let me know if you want to get together some other time."

Actually, I think for me it would be generally the same with long-term friends as well. 2-3 times, and then I would be like, "Hey, life seems crazy right now, let me know when you get a breather so we can catch up!" I wouldn't want to feel like maybe I was pestering them, or reminding them of stuff they just don't have time for right now, or whatever.

I think if you're wondering if you should try again, a good test might be--don't. If you normally invite them to something once a month, resolve to go three months without doing so, and see what happens. Do they contact you? Do you miss them? Then you can decide whether to start inviting them again.

I think sometimes with family it can be different, because sometimes one is obligated to invite "all family in the area" or "all family at a certain level" to things. For example, I haven't seen my wife's cousin in years, because she simply won't come to our extended family events. I don't know why. My cousin and their kids come; they don't live that far away. If I were hosting an extended family event, I would certainly still include her in the invitation, even if I would be shocked if she showed up. But at the same time, in that situation I wouldn't be keeping count of her declines or stressing about it, as long as I got her decline by the deadline (if applicable).

It might be similar with, say, all members of a book club--you always invite everyone to your "post book club supper" but there are a few people who always decline. If I was inviting everyone because they were in the book club, I would keep inviting those people, but just would stop being invested in whether they accepted or not.

I would say 3 times in a row. Like if I try to invite you to 3 events or outings in a row and you decline all 3, then I won't bother to invite you for the next one. I also say in a row because many of our friends are so busy that they may turn down 2 invites but will accept the 3rd.

I think if I'm trying to establish a new friendship, I would top off at two or three times. I wouldn't completely write off this friendship and would remain friendly when we see each other and essentially leave the ball in their court and see what might transpire in the future, if anything.

For longer, established friends I would continue to invite but wouldn't go to any huge efforts to reorganize around their schedule or even rely on whether or not they'll show up, assuming, of course, we still talk and have a rel@lationship outside of trying to get together. I would want to keep extending invitations just in case their life circumstances allow them to join. I happen to be the one that has a lot of difficulty trying to get together. I truly appreciate the invitation every time. I have a friend who often last-minute bails out. We have just come to accept this and if she planned to have everyone at her home and she bails, we've started to have a backup plan.

If the friendship is making a divide and interests are shifting, I think I would just reduce the attempts at trying to get together, but I'm not really sure I can put a number on it. If it fizzles out, it fizzles out. I guess three is a good enough number to work with, though. Years ago I had a best friend who moved on. I continued to try to be included in her new world and new circle, and I was pretty much dumped. It hurt a lot, and I wasn't catching the hint, I guess. I should have stopped trying a lot sooner than I did, so maybe three strikes, you're out is a good approach.

What if your friends keep inviting you to things they KNOW (or have to know) you can't attend?

I have a 9 to 5 (often longer) job. Two friends of mine who are retired ask me to go to events DURING my work time. Such as a 10 AM hike, two hour lunch, 2 PM matinee, etc. They always seem shocked that i can't just drop what i'm doing at work and go out to "play" with them. They then get annoyed that I'm putting my job ahead of fun. Ummmm, I'd get fired if I did what they suggest.

What do you do then instead of declining all of the time?

"Thanks for the offer! That is during my work hours. If you guys do anything after 5:00, please let me know!"