Kent Bush: Republican Rorschach test

The Republican candidates for this election aren’t actually running for president. They are part of a huge psychological experiment.

Kent Bush

I have a theory.

The Republican candidates for this election aren’t actually running for president. They are part of a huge psychological experiment.

Face it. The GOP candidate you prefer says a lot more about you than it does about them. None of them seem to have defined edges yet. They’re all a little fuzzy hoping beyond hope that they find some clarity.

Newt Gingrich is the new leader of the non-Mitt Romney pack to show signs of surging in the polls. But all of these wax candidates melt when the heat gets turned up on them.

Next is already dripping, and he isn’t even close to Romney and Herman Cain in the polls yet.

The best way to describe this field – no, not barren – of candidates is as a human Rorschach test.

In a Rorschach test, the images never change, but what a person sees in that image can give insight into the issues they are dealing with. In the same sense, these candidates all say more about their supporters than what they actually bring to the table themselves. They are all image, no substance.

The first one to bring something to the table without pandering to the tea party right or establishment base may just punch a ticket to the White House. But that candidate has yet to emerge.

Here are my thoughts about what supporting these candidates means about you.

Mitt Romney – What you see; the best chance to win in 2012. What is means; You don’t really care that much about issues and Romney does his best to play to both the ultra-conservative and the establishment – thus making both equally unhappy with him. He is the only one who appears “presidential” but he could also be a victim of a landslide. Romney is the guy a girl goes to the prom with because the other three guys she likes took other girls. He’s got a nice car and at least she’ll get a nice dinner. But don’t expect a love connection. And if any of the other three change their minds, he’ll be dumped in a heartbeat.

Herman Cain – What you see; a likeable guy who has a plan. What is means; you don’t care what the plan is. You’re just glad he has one. Cain appeals to the people who falsely believe solving the world’s problems is easy and simple, you just have to be the one who finds the solution. The solutions aren’t as easy as 9-9-9. Keeping it simple won’t work either. It’s a crazy world out there. You have to be a “reader” and a “leader.” Using a quote that “President Schwarzenegger” did on the Simpson’s movie did to justify haphazardly choosing a simple solution to a problem probably isn’t the best idea. And learning to speak “Cuban” before running for President is always a good idea in case any of them try to swim past the underwater electrified immigrant fence.

Newt Gingrich – What you see; a conservative who had success in the 90s. What it means; You have basically decided none of the others are worthy of your support and at least you know this guy will stand up to Democrats. You also have no concern for the fact that he is slimier than a slug with a bad head cold. He was receiving $30,000 per month from Freddie Mac and claims that others who received that kind of money should be in jail. His “think tank” also received millions from the healthcare industry of the past several years. I’m sure that in no way colored his opinion of the National Health Care issue. Newt’s a smart guy. Unfortunately, he is more likely to be a villain than a superhero.

Rick Perry – What you see; a tough Texas governor. What it means; you thought George W. Bush would have been a great President if he just weren’t so darn smart. Please give me extra credit on this column for not being the next person to mock Perry’s “three things” gaffe from the recent debate. But seriously, Perry and Cain suffer from the same issue. When they try to remember what someone else told them they needed to believe, they flub the answers. Substance can’t be taught.

Michele Bachmann – What you see; Diet Sarah Palin. What it means; you wish Palin was running. Bachmann can’t imagine CBS cutting her debate airtime on purpose. Frankly, either can I. You never know what Bachmann is going to say. She goes crazy for a few days and you write her off as a nutjob and then she comes back with a salient foreign policy comment and you start to think she might have a chance. Then she starts speaking Minnesotan again and your wife has to hide the silverware so you don’t stab yourself in the face with a fork – or is that only at my house?

Rick Santorum – What you see; a social conservative. What it means; you don’t care about anything but social issues. Santorum seems like a nice guy. I like his convictions. I just don’t think Santorum can handle the big problems facing the country right now. He would serve nicely as a cabinet member or possibly a valet at the White House dinners.

Ron Paul – What you see; a candidate who runs against the grain. What it means; you hate war and probably smoke dope. Not really, but seriously on social issues putting a libertarian like Ron Paul in between Bachmann and Santorum has to be the worst punishment ever. Paul would be a great President if you don’t want to fight any wars but you still want those dang kids to stay off your lawn.

Jon Huntsman – What you see; a man who has been a governor and an Ambassador to China. What it means; you’re probably a Democrat. Huntsman is an adult at the kids table in these debates. He has answers to issues that might take more than 30 seconds to explain. But Huntsman can’t win in this Republican climate. He isn’t a carnival barker. Huntsman does have attractive daughters who are pretty darn funny. They get it from their dad. He was funny and pointed on the Colbert Report as he stood up well to a humorous interview and still came off as intelligent. He’s a better candidate than the polls say. He just started this at bat with four strikes. He worked for President Obama. That doesn’t win points in 2011.

None of these candidates has found the answer. But thankfully, there will be a dozen or so more debates to help them work things out.

Kent Bush is the Augusta (Kan.) Gazette publisher, and a columnist and blogger for the GateHouse Media Network. He can be contacted at publisher@augustagazette.com.

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