Anger

This is all familiar ground for experienced couples therapists, but Michelle Weiner-Davis puts it all together very nicely in this TED talk. Notice especially the examples of how the conversation can go wrong vs. how it can go right, and the potential reversal of desire and arousal.

One of my favorite quotes (from Pete Pearson) is that good communication is an unnatural act. And unfortunately, as I have to remind my couples all the time, technology is conspiring with our instincts for connection, but at the cost of disconnection from the person in front of us. Texting, email and other social media […]

I love it when my clients ask a great question. In years of doing couples work nobody has asked me that directly…until a few weeks ago. Of course there have been variations like “How can we feel closer?,” or the sad antithesis: “How did things get so bad?,” or the common: “Why do we just […]

I wrote previously about how right/wrong thinking can be problematic in relationships. I’d like to expand that today in two common (and usually quite different!) areas: apologies and emergencies. When Apologies Are Hard Often in my sessions with couples there will come a point where an apology is needed. Sometimes one partner will ask for […]

A nicely written little piece with an interesting idea for maintaining perspective at times of conflict: Recalculating. Ms. Heffernan makes some intriguing points, including that technology can amplify our humanness as well as become a “triangulated third” in a couples dispute. However, the part that really struck home for me was the idea of seeing […]

Transmission – Reception In my previous blog article I talked about some of the “packaging” that can interfere with delivery of a message. So it is helpful to know how to deliver a message, but it is also important to know how to receive one of those troublesome packages in the event that your partner […]

The Problem One of the biggest problems in couples communication is separating tone, attitude, provocation, and other aspects of the way a message is delivered from the intention of the message itself. When we are frustrated, disappointed, hurt, or otherwise in emotional pain those feelings color both the words that we use and especially the […]

Reason #7 – It’s Easy! It’s always easier to see what someone else is doing wrong than what you are doing wrong. At one level this is a simple as that it’s easier to see the food stuck in your partner’s teeth than your own. To see your own you would first need to locate […]

I’ve been meaning to link these wonderful talks for some time and have finally gotten around to it. They are both from the superb website Dharmaseed, which offers literally thousands of free recordings of respected Buddhist teachers. These are two of my favorites. The first is by Tara Brach (who is also a psychologist) about […]

Meet Psychologist Dr. Solley

San Francisco Couples Therapist

Dr. Robert Solley is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in neuropsychology and couples therapy in San Francisco. Earning his PhD from the California School of Professional Psychology in Berkeley, Dr. Solley has been licensed for over 20 years. He has trained and worked in such diverse settings as Children's Hospital in Oakland, California-Pacific Medical Center in San Francisco, and is a Staff Therapist with the Couples Institute in Menlo Park. Dr. Solley has taught masters and doctoral students as an adjunct faculty member at Alliant University, The Wright Institute, and the University of San Francisco. Currently he sees 15-20 couples a week (as well as some individuals) in his private practice in the Noe Valley neighborhood of San Francisco.