ACADA

Wednesday, 14 June 2017

FOR CAMPUS STUDENTS: Being Intimate Without Having Sex

I would first like to issue a sincere apology to anyone who may
have met me and thought, “Damn, David’s awesome. I wonder if his sexual
preference fits with mine.”

Being asexual has been an interesting journey. My ex-girlfriend
and I were together awhile, but our relationship never progressed to the point
at which we’d even consider sex. Yet despite the lack of getting to know each
other as well as many other couples, we had an incredible relationship. Even
today, we share jokes and chat about sci-fi shows and movies.

If there was one thing we discovered, however, it was that sex
was not necessary for us to remain together. It seems, at least to me, that
many people see sex as something important for a long-term relationship
involving attraction between two people.

A lot of things worked out well in that three-year relationship
I had in high school, despite the celibacy. This is what it was like for me, as
an asexual virgin, in my first and only relationship.

Dating

Just because your relationship doesn’t have sex in it doesn’t
mean it’s doomed. In mine, we had a ton of fun going to see plays and movies.

I should make it clear that your dates aren’t necessarily going
to be consumption of the arts. It just so happened that we are both
artistically minded. That common connection was part of how we started dating
in the first place.

Part of the purpose of dating is to (hopefully) strengthen the
relationship between a couple. For us, chatting about plays and movies over
dinner was a great way to bond with each other.

At the end of the evening, it was less of a want or need to take
things further, so much as a good feeling of satisfaction and pleasure from
seeing each other and having fun.

Love without Love

Dates weren’t always us going out and enjoying a movie or dinner
together. On several occasions, my ex and I found ourselves watching shows like
“Star Trek” together. If you’re wondering where “Star Trek” and sex fit
together, here’s a hint: they generally don’t.

But while we weren’t making love to the tune of the show’s
theme, physical contact was still there. Cuddling was always an option, and a
good one at that.

There’s something about feeling the warmth of your partner’s
body that makes the experience more enjoyable. We would frequently snuggle up
next to each other while watching these shows. It gave us feelings of comfort
and unity. Such feelings were about as close as we were able to get to the
unity that comes through sex.

Discovering something within ourselves

Before I even started dating, my parents told me to never do
three things on a date: eat pizza, eat only a small amount of food, and fail to
pay for the meal.

The first two have happened. But instead of increasing the
distance between me and my ex, they helped us bond. Sure, I may have been the
only person in the relationship who hated tomatoes, but that mistake of having
cheese pizza allowed us to discuss our food preferences, something useful for
everyone.

Likewise, if I was feeling a bit out of it, I might eat less
than normal and take home a ton of leftovers. My relationship gave me the
opportunity to open up and discuss my worries and concerns with my ex,
something I could reciprocate.

What’s interesting is that I was never fully sure that I was asexual
in high school. I kept wavering between thinking I was asexual, heterosexual,
and bisexual. But being in a relationship allowed me to take a closer look at
my sexual preference.

The trust between my ex and I from our relationship exists to
this day. It’s perhaps what’s been the most impactful part of our relationship.
That trust has allowed us to take important steps in discussing aspects of our
lives we may not feel fully comfortable talking about to many others. It is
this “opening up” that allows us to take that initial, important step towards
accepting ourselves and each other for who we are.