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Wednesday, January 1, 2014

So today Nate and I were talking on our way home...more me talking and him listening. But I was expressing how I wish people knew that I HATE feeling the way I do when it comes to pregnancy and babies. Just like the quote above says, it's my weak spot. I am blessed. I have a little boy who I adore and love more then anything in this world. BUT I will say, it still hurts when other's announce their pregnancy...or have a baby. I hate feeling this way. I hate that it's almost like being blindsided. Every time I try to prepare myself for the blow, but then the internal instinct kicks in and I feel like I have been kicked in the gut.
It has led to friendships being dissolved, feelings being hurt...I feel like people expect that those feelings just leave with the birth of a baby. Just as people expect that it will be "easier" to have another baby. It just isn't that way for everyone. That is the other thing too, infertility journey's are not the same for everyone. There are women out there who are sad about it, but cope really well. I am just not one of them. I used to dream about having a big family (if you consider 4 or 5 a big family) but I started to realize at a pretty young age that something was wrong for me. And I will tell you at the age of 15 or 16 even though I didn't yet have my PCOS diagnoses, that I stopped dreaming about the number of children I would have someday. It is sad that PCOS is becoming a more common diagnoses and that I know there are other teenage girls realizing the same thing. It breaks my heart.
I just wanted to put it out there that someone like me doesn't CHOOSE to feel this way about this subject. I know most of my friends struggling with infertility would LOVE to NOT feel this way the same as I do. I think it has made realize that we all need to acknowledge that first off some emotions or reactions are beyond our control...and second that we need to forgive people. No one is perfect. We all do things we regret at sometime or another. And life is a harsh teacher.
So there lies my Achilles heel. I'm not sure that it will ever change...but I know time is a great teacher, and I hope eventually I learn to just be happy and not feel any twinge of pain with this subject.
I hope you all had a happy and safe New Year! :) Happy 2014!

DISCLAIMER:

This blog is true to its title. These posts are unedited. They are raw, sometimes painful, and maybe even seem downright rude to some people. This is therapy for myself. I make no excuse for being human, and what you see here will be the truth of my emotions. Nothing more, nothing less. Please also be advised that this blog is being reopened as someone going through SECONDARY infertility. So please proceed at your own discretion.