The “cancer club” and finding purpose

I would like to start off by giving a big THANK YOU to each and every one of you for taking the time to read my posts, follow my blog, and join me on this crazy cancer journey. It is truly an honour and I am very appreciative of your support 🙂

I always get super excited to see new followers or visitors from across the globe stop by. Perhaps they landed on the wrong site, but either way, it’s very cool. I had someone visit from Estonia! Wow, right?

Like most individuals with cancer, initially I started this blog as a means to update my friends and family on my crazy adventures living while trying to defeat metastatic cancer. Due to the positive feedback that I am receiving, I decided that I would like to further the mission of this blog. Ultimately, I would love for this blog to serve as an instrument to spread awareness, advocate for change, and inspire others on their own cancer journeys and in life.

Given that I think of myself as a “cancer veteran,” I not only unfortunately have too much information to share on the subject, but I also feel strongly about supporting, encouraging, and inspiring others as they struggle to find meaning, purpose, and strength in their lives.

It’s been a while since I’ve written and that’s not for lack of words, as I still have so much to say. It’s also not because I don’t want to, as this blog keeps me focused and gives me a strong sense of purpose. And I miss you guys.

So why you might ask have I been MIA (missing in action)?

Well, because there has been quite a bit going on.

With regards to my health, there is not much to update at the moment. I had a neck MRI done on Friday, so am awaiting those results. You guys recall that nasty little bugger, Oscar the Osteosarcoma, well this MRI is to ensure that he has not made a comeback on my neck. My next CT scan of my lungs is in September. So we will see what the results are then regarding Mildred the Metastasis.

I’m doing my best at living scan by scan, which is not fun nor is it any way to fully live. I can attest to this. But it’s the best I can do for now, so I’m finding ways to cope.

One method of coping has been writing. I find blogging and writing extremely therapeutic. Given so many changes in my life at the moment, I feel as though this blog has given me a sense of purpose. The focus I need to keep going. Recently, I have also been asked to do some writing for Princess Margaret Hospital as well as various cancer sites, where I will be able to tell my story. I do not have all of the details just yet, but will keep my loyal followers posted.

And if I should somehow become some sort of “cancerlebrity,” I won’t forget all of you, my biggest fans. Okay, so maybe I’m jumping the gun here a bit. But just in case I happen to stumble upon stardom, hopefully Natalie Portman can play me in the big screen version of my life. So if any movie producers out there are currently reading my blog, Natalie is my top choice.

And the Oscar goes to Natalie Portman for her remarkable portrayal of Sabrina.

Another method of coping has been my meditation classes and my enrollment in a program entitled the “Healing Journey.” I have become very involved with these classes and the “homework” that accompanies them. These classes are taken at Wellspring, which I can’t speak highly enough of. It’s such a wonderful concept with an atmosphere of serenity and peace.

I have been a member at Wellspring since February. I have met so many wonderful people here and have made meaningful connections. Each week I look forward to my classes and to seeing these strong, supportive, and engaging individuals. I feel emotionally connected to people, who in essence were complete strangers a few months ago.

There is something to be said about the “cancer club.” It’s a club that no one wants to be a part of, but once you are in, you are in for life.

I was always a person that didn’t like these group environments where people went around the room and took turns discussing their problems. I believed them to be depressing and almost defeatist in nature. I always felt as though I had everything under control. I could handle cancer, heck I’ve been handling it for 31 years! But realistically speaking, as strong as I may be in the wake of cancer, or as supportive as my friends and family have been, there was always something missing.

Generally when people ask you how you are doing, most people don’t really want to hear EXACTLY how you are doing. This might be too much information for them or too depressing to bear. Instead, what they prefer to hear is: “everything is good,” “things are going well,” “I’m doing fine,” or “I’m getting better.” And if you do make the mistake of divulging some of your deepest concerns or fears, people quickly shy away, change the subject, or awkwardly respond with “well, at least things are getting better” or “you look really good.”

I don’t blame people for behaving this way. It’s human nature, I guess. I might have reacted the same way if I didn’t have cancer a gazillion times. I know people’s intentions are good, so I try not to take it personally.

When someone asks how you are feeling they don’t expect you to rant about your bodily functions or bowel movements on this cancer diet you’ve embarked on. Reality check: no one wants to know about how regular or irregular you are. And people don’t want to hear you say something like, “I feel a pain in my chest and am concerned that the tumours in my lungs are growing,” or “I hate the fact that I have an incurable illness that will slowly and perhaps even painfully kill me,” or they do not want to hear a cancer patient get into the gruesome and descriptive details of their illness and chemo sessions. These are not easy conversations to have, and for fear of being depressing or burdening others with the trials and tribulations of a cancer diagnosis, many individuals (myself included) feel it is easier to shut people out or edit the information presented.

When I speak at these classes or with fellow “cancer club” members, I don’t have to explain myself at length. You see many heads in the room nodding in agreement. They just get it. They understand what each stage of the process is like. And it is here that I can discuss my darkest moments, fears, or feelings. They truly support one another and they feed off of one another’s energy. It’s a fabulous community.

The “cancer club” is a club that you do not ask or choose to be a member of, but can be of great value in the healing process to those affected by this crappy disease. Now, I am by no means suggesting that you go out and get yourself some cancer just so you can be part of this club, but if you do happen to have the unfortunate luck of having cancer, then the “cancer club” has got your back.

So I strongly urge cancer patients and their caregivers to find a Wellspring near them and to try a class or program. Alternatively, if you happen to be situated outside of Canada or in a place that does not have a local Wellspring Centre, then I would advise you to speak to your oncologist or cancer hospital to inquire about various free services offered to those living with cancer. It can be quite beneficial and highly empowering. And who doesn’t like free stuff, right?

Another great coping method is enjoying oneself. Given that summer is finally here, I am looking forward to basking in the sun (while protecting myself and my scars that haven’t fully healed yet…as the last thing I want is a little skin cancer….I think I’ll pass on that). I also cannot wait to head to the cottage and enjoy short vacations here and there where I can clear my head and enjoy the fact that I am alive.

No, our cottage is not in Tuscany, I just couldn’t find a good cottage picture.

I’m also anticipating some barbecues, patios, and meditating outside with fresh and moderately clean air (I live in a big city, afterall). Practically the entire summer is already booked up, which is okay because these are all positive and enjoyable distractions. Well, provided that I don’t get eaten alive by huge ass mosquitoes all summer. Cottage mosquitoes are insanely big. Notice to all mosquitoes out there: I have metastatic cancer, so bite me at your own risk! It doesn’t really work that way, I know, I know.

In the meantime, I am going to continue to stay focused and find purpose in this crazy (but awesome) life of mine. Hope you’ll continue along on the ride with me.

Having had some yrs. of battle with cancer I applaud your courage and attitude in your fight. You inspire me and by extension many others. I continue to fight for all those good moments of respite from the tough times. Look forwàrd to future reads.

Hmm, what can I say.... I'm your average five-time cancer survivor. I'm 33 years old and have been battling cancer for 30 years! I am currently living with metastatic osteosarcoma. I'm a cancer hater, but a life lover. I'm also a total FOODIE!! I hope you will follow me through my journey living with mets, and everything in between :) xoxo

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