Dec 23, 2011

Given the success at the box office of the latest in a long line of Hollywood films that involve the modern world being torn asunder by a bunch of hairy, stinky, ignorant, hygiene-adverse barbarian-like miscreants whose only goal is to reduce everything they touch to some primitive ‘lowest common denominator’ where they can at last feel at home and ‘safe’ amid the chaos and rubble of the once well-ordered modern world, the creative types in Hollywood have set their tentative sights on capturing a potentially even more horrifying concept on film, a future world run by the Snopes farmer/rancher clan in the 2nd smallest town in the Great State of Washington.

“Well, it is easy for our viewers to suspend belief with all those fancy special effects and given the fact that the protagonists are in fact just apes and all, but if they really got a glimpse into what could be right around the corner, a world run by 8th grade drop-outs and criminals and people who fight against flush toilets and using fire hydrants to put out fires – well, that is liable to scare them right out of their socks!” said Biff Finklestein, a Hollywood big shot. “Sure, we can all laugh off some decidedly implausible inter-species feud based sometime in the future, but what do you do when faced with a very real abomination lurking right under the surface of society in rural America – at least in Lamont, anyway! That puts a whole new complexion on the classic “Evil semi-sub-human mischief-makers want to destroy the world” theme that, quite frankly, we in the Hollywood community have pretty much beaten into the ground with greed driven gusto” he waxed poetically while also talking on his cell phone to some person he called 'babe' and 'doll' about 200 times. (We think it was a dude, too!!) “Sure, there is a lot of overlap between the two protagonists – both groups, the apes and the Snopes, tend to be angry, crude, dirty, largely uneducated and desire to smash every vestige of modern civilization that they did nothing to build, but to be fair to the apes, there is no evidence that they are against libraries, flush toilets, pavement, clean water or using fire hydrants in case of a fire. We have to be fair here. So, on some level, should this concept ever get off the ground, you can rest assured that this will be a horror classic that will have innocent citizens fleeing the theaters in blind terror and weeping in the aisles at the crushing nightmarishness of the thing. We will all long to be ruled by the apes after we get a small taste of living under the Snopes, let me tell you!” he said gleefully, rubbing his hands at the prospect of scaring the living daylights out of the movie going public across the globe.

(Editorial Note: We at the Lamont Blog would like to apologize to the entire global ape/monkey community for any unfair comparisons or aspersions that were inadvertently cast by this article. At the Lamont Blog, we just report the news, we do not make it, and any harm, whether real or imagined, is unintended and thus regretted. Thank you!)