“You see persons and things not as they are
but as you are. ” Anthony de Mello

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

circles

Two people meet for the first time and for some reason there is a clashing feeling all around them. A bad vibe. A negative first impression. It happens in the split second that they are introduced. Strange skin ripplings. What's it all about?

It could be that one of them isn't interested in meeting someone. He has too much on his mind absorbing him inward? He's too busy stressing over his own life to bring someone new into his invisible circle....past the boundary wall he has emotionally built around him? Or maybe his boundary walls are thicker and wider than most? He's not confident meeting new people. It's hard to say. What is perfectly clear is the outward message....he isn't going to be curious enough to offer up a handshake.

The other person feels this energy. She can read the serious disinterest on this new face in front of her. There is a distant gleam in his pupils during the ONLY eye contact he gives. Smiles are not forthcoming. He mumbles out a hello. The message is loud and clear, though its difficult for this other person to step away from the inaccessible human being without wondering if he is reacting to her own demeanour. Maybe she comes on too strong? Maybe she looks like someone he dislikes? It takes a bit of an adjustment to realize that there is nothing she has done to warrant the cold shoulder behaviour. So, she turns away with even more curiosity about him than she had in the first place. She will wait for a more suitable opportunity. Or not.

Human being crossroads happen on an emotional level .... the dance of people circles.

Sometimes they clash right away like a flesh burning chemical spill.

Sometimes it only takes a different scenario to find a connection.

Sometimes they spin in their own unique energy but touch lightly and bounce delightfully off one another as a means of recognizing difference and commonalities. It may be that the relationship between the two circles remains at this kind of connection. Social, cordial, but mostly at a distance. Weather chats.....surface dwellers.....acquaintances. Until, perhaps another time. Or not.

Or.... it may be that this is just the beginning of a friendship. Testing the waters before one of them takes the risk of providing an opening into their own circle? If the other person accepts the invitation, the spinning changes its axis. Connections between two people always alter another person's circle spinning.

Sometimes, they merge into a sense of oneness.....two circles spinning in endless energy. Have you ever been in one of those relationships? YOU almost never, ever feel like you've finished a conversation because there's more and more to cover!

What happens if two people clash constantly? There's been bad blood spilled between the two. Rumours have preceded their meeting. Incorrect information has been provided to one of the human beings thereby clouding their vision, sending up a boundary wall around their circle. What happens if there is no respect, no interest, NO desire to harmonize even though they are working under the same roof.... attending school in the same classroom .... working on the same team? They will remain stalled in an uncomfortable, perhaps even a miserable existance until a shift happens.

There has to be a way found to pluck the curiosity string in both parties. This is the beginning of connecting...of possibly restoring harmony. Curiosity almost always leads to empathy. If I'm curious, and the other person is curious....... communication opens up. I want to know. You want to know. Listening happens. Emotions are charged and expressed and changed. Beauty is revealed. Respect deepens. Movement can occur.

Most human being circles aren't simplistic one dimensional designs. They are intricate developing labyrinths formed by threads of life experiences woven into complicated patterns soaked in mystery. There is depth to the maze, filled with hurts and healings and life experiences which make the designs unique. What is the same are the hues of emotion. We all have the same feelings.

What makes two people shift from clashing circles into a place of interactive respect..... where the very idea of "how you are matters to how I am....." A chance to be comfortable being curious.

Sometimes this happens when sitting in a circle sharing the space. Is there a feeling of safety caught within a circle? Is this why they are so healing??

10 comments:

one of the hardest things for me to learn to do when meeting someone like you described, was to not try to figure them out, not try to be overly welcoming or friendly, not oversell. and holy hell is that ever hard with my personality.

but, your right. i find that if relax and turn your "on" off, then maybe...just maybe...the kitten will come to the milk.

I know this feeling very well When I meet somebody with a bad vibe and when it is a stranger it is no problem Yes It is a problem when there is somebody in your circle who has a bad fibe and it is hard to get them in your circle. It can be exhausting

Irish Heather...love that saying...kitten to the milk. :) I'm the same as you are.

Marja....It can be very exhausting. I was thinking about how difficult it is when it really goes awry and there is a need for some mediation. Talking circles to clear the air often work and I wonder what the magic is about them.

Marja...Thank God it doesn't go that far very often.... Normally there's either an accepted impasse or somehow a situation arises when the playing field is levelled enough for both parties to become curious about one another. I don't like those bad vibes, but I guess that's life eh?

I often think in pictures and in these words I can picture many spinning tops, the colours blur as they spin and they sharply kick off in different directions as they touch each other. They are spining on a bowl surface, which inevitably draws them to the centre. It takes great energy to remain at the edge and touching others slows you down. Coming to a resting point in the middle the vivid individual colours can be seen.I am taking a retreat this weekend and I am taking a large Labyrinth with me as an activity, really looking forward to it.

That is a very profound collection of thoughts! I've met the closed circle person so often and I wonder "is it me?" but sometimesd it isn't. And I can close my circle very effectively too! Why? I often don't know, perverse depression, sometimes. But when you find a circle that's friendly, open, congenial (in the sense of two genials being joined!;)) well, circles, spirals, all sorts of colours can go spinning away!

And yes, conflict is better resolved in a group - others are not so threatening when you know that people accept you there.

David...I like how you've envisioned it and how you described it. A retreat is something I've never done, but would like to. The word that comes to mind when I think of a retreat is restorative.

Gilly....Interesting.... You've made me wonder how often I'm the closed circle. I don't like the feeling of it, but know there are times that's its me and often when I'm not feeling too great, or am feeling slightly threatened. It happens when I'm in a situation where my confidence is thin.

I think you hit on the key to circles working...there has to be an environment built on trust and a sense of belonging before they can be restorative. OOOO! There's that word again.

I hate when this happens whether it's me or the other party. I worked with someone once who absolutely despised me on sight. The funny thing was she was the one who hired me. One day I'd had enough and asked her why she had given me the job when she clearly disliked me. Her response...I was desperate and you were the best of a bad bunch.

Yes my confidence took a nose dive. It wasn't long after that I got diagnosed with MS and quit that nightmare of a job. She was evil personified and used her position of power to make my life a living hell. One day Karma will take care of her, of that I am sure.

I hope your situation has a much happier outcome. Sometimes it's just a case of new blood feeling a bit threatening to people who may not feel overly confident and secure in their own tenure. Often it has nothing to do with you personally but trying to get to the root of the problem is not always easy. If anyone can nut it out, you can Dana.

Hey Gypsy....This piece wasn't based on my own experiences this week. I've been reading a few new books and the idea came out of there. So far, I've been welcomed with open arms and some relief on their part. I guess there were a few situations last year during the school year that were quite serious and tense. They are glad to be handing the baton over. :)

ps. I even received a "welcome back" from an old colleague. A 17 year absence and I got a welcome back. It's all good. thanks.xxx