Search

﻿﻿IT’S true, I reinvented the wheel when I quit boozing and carrying on, but this is one of those feats that are only really recognised in the eye of the beholder. And so it was down to me to behold the shit out of it.

For the next year-and-a-half I took to this task, severing myself from impolite society to rattle my chains in the countryside, where I could ponder, sigh and regard myself and my hideous past (of which I was now absolved – hooray!), with the odd foray into bilious contemplation. Eventually, once I had completely lost my sense of humour, my ruminations ran dry.

Around this time, I heard eulogies about a man who had lived life to the full, even in the face of terminal illness, obstinately taking up inventive new pastimes whenever his failing health took old ones away.

I stopped thinking about myself to think about his approach to life. When your eyes are as flat as pennies (I poetised), and your mouth is turned down like a fat girl at a dance, you need what’s colloquially known as a kick up the arse. And here it was. I would start living.

Share this:

Like this:

Related

Mission statement

Hey Man was a mission to reroute those rooted neural pathways and rewire my brain until it was lit up like a bloody Christmas tree – with potentially explosive fairy lights.

Author

Australia 2012. It's okay, we're friends.

Explore categories!

Explore categories!

Previous months

Previous months

Can you teach me

How to:
* Crack a whip
* Vault an intersection fence
* Spin a drumstick
* Whistle with thumb and forefinger
* Flick a cigarette in and out of my mouth (hurry - I'm about to quit)
* Play canasta
* Play the spoons
* Chop wood
* Bake a decent loaf
* Pull some self defence moves
* Shear a sheep
* Irish dance
* Play dungeons and dragons
* Put on a faux lesbian routine in a pub near closing time