Breaking the Silence

I have been silent for some time now. The month of February only say 7 posts, of which two were guest posts (if you have not read them yet, please check them out). One was about Carnival in Cologne by Conny Kaufmann and the other about Mardi Gras by Diana Gordon. I did not promote their posts as much as I would normally do.

I did not join in #WeekendCoffeeShare since the 4th Saturday of January, and it is an event that I absolutely love and rarely miss. I made sure to participate in #1000speak on the 20th of February, the only post that was published in the 2nd half of the month. I have been almost completely absent from twitter and from my favourite blogs. I read less than I normally do, I commented less than usually, and I replied to almost no comment. Some of my readers and friends are waiting for me to reply to their emails, I will reply soon.

Some of my readers knew what was going on. Some send me messages to check if everything was ok. I am here, and I will be back but since mid January things have been tough, really tough actually.

Last May, my mother had been diagnosed with a very rare cancer, after months of treatment, chemo, then an oral chemo (tablets), and even immunotherapy the medical staff announced that the treatments could no longer be continued. This announcement was, if I recall correctly, on the 20th of January.

In the week that followed, I was alone with little one (psychologically this was hard, especially when realisation of what was going to happen, hit me like a high speed train), but made sure to spend a lot of time with my mom, she lived only 300m away, which makes things easier especially when you have a toddler in tow. I spend a weekend in Antwerp, and then spend as much time as I could with my mom during the month of February. This meant I was either working, replying to emails regarding lesson requests, or with my mom. I did not see S much, when I was at home I was either out of the house spending quality time with my mom or working.

Over the past weeks, I saw many members of my family and friends, who came to visit my mom. Thanks to their presence things were probably a less straining. Still, things were definitely exhausting.

Last week was the 1st week of the February vacation, most of my students were away on holidays, and I decided to not schedule any new lessons. What am I glad that I said that I am taking a week off! I guess deep inside me I knew things were not going to get better.

On Saturday, while her cousin and his wife were visiting, my mother decided that she did not want any more visitors. That she had no more force to see anyone.

Last week on Tuesday the 23rd of February 2016, the only day, since her initial diagnosis, that my mother did not get out of bed, she passed away in the evening of the same day.

Until my mother’s last breath, I was hoping, yes believing that there was a chance for a miracle!

This day, one week ago I lost my mother to cancer.

She was only 54 years old.

Today, my heart is aching, tears erupt on a regular basis.

Things will be different, always…

Today, I want to break the silence. I want to be active again. I want to do what my mother told me to do and what I promised her in silence as she was leaving.

My condolences. Life can be so difficult sometimes. I’m sure that when you’re ready to come back to blogging, the community will be here for you. And in the meantime take care of yourself. Again, I’m sorry for your loss.

Solveig, I have lived what you are living – although this is studid, exch lives the facts and the feelings his or her own way. What I mean is, if you want to talk, I am here. I f you do not want to talk, I am here as well. I think of you. Take care of yourself.

Oh Solveig, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Your mother was way too young to pass away. My mom nursed her mother who was dying of cancer and I was approximately the same age as you child when my grandma died. It is sad that I never knew her. I am sorry for your child too, that she will miss knowing her grandmother.

Take the time to grieve. It is important for your care. I am sending BIG HUGS your way!! At least know that your mom is up there without pain, cheering you on!

Sadly, you and I are traveling similar paths, as my own cherished mother passed away on January 11 from a rare form of cancer that chemoradiation therapies could not stop. My heart goes out to you. There are many impossible days, but as my mother often said, we go through things in life. Not over, under, around or past – but through. I have no wise words, no guiding mantra to make either one of us feel better – all I can offer is my hand reaching out to yours to help you through this awful time as we both stumble and march and fall and carry on with the love of our mothers always in our hearts.

I am so very, very sorry for your loss and your unbearable grief. Many prayers and hugs are being sent your way, friend. I won’t tell you the feelings will get better. They won’t. They will just become different, but always there!

Solveig, my heart goes out to you. ❤️ How one is supposed to live on after such a terrible loss I have no idea, but people do. Your closeness and friendship with your mother will be memories of comfort – not now but later. Please be gentle with yourself in the coming months, don’t expect too much, don’t push yourself too much and allow yourself to feel if you can bear it. My thoughts are with you in this dark time. With warmest wishes, hugs, Annika

It isn’t easy to write anything that might help, however similar an experience we may have had. But the thing about this blogging lark is there are dozens of folks (as the previous comments testify) who have made that connection with you and we all wish you well in these bleak feeling days.

I am so sorry for your loss, Solveig. I was away from my blog as well and only realized now that you went through very difficult times. Your mom was far too young to leave earth. I hope that you will find peace and comfort with your loved ones. Many hugs and good thoughts. Take care.

Oh, Solveig, I’m so, so sorry. Although my mother was 85 when she died, it shook me to the core. The sense of absence was the worst. But time is a great healer. In Greece we’d say ‘May you have her blessing’ and ‘May you remember her.’
Much love and hugs.

Dear Solveig, I only know you through the lovely stories your Dad would tell at work about his funny and charming wife and his brilliant little girl. I cannot imagine how hard this is for you both. There are no words to make the loss less or the hurt go away. Your Mama surrounded you with love your whole life and now she will live in your heart and actions everyday of your life. You are the best pieces of her. When the breeze is gentle against your face, it is her touching you. When sunset is particularly beautiful, remember the lovely colorful outfits she wore. Enjoy the music she played, it was the soundtrack to her life. I pray that you find a little something everyday which makes the road forward easier. Cancer is so unfair. Warm regard, Kristina

I just came looking for you because I hadn’t seen any posts. I’m so sorry. Life pulls the rug out from under us when we least expect it. I’m sure right now the feelings are quite raw but eventually you’ll be able to smile and laugh at the good memories of your mom, of which I know there are many. I’m glad you got to spend that special time with her.

I’m sorry for your loss and for you mom being so young (my dad, too, was only 54). I understand. This is beautifully written, though. Know that I feel your pain a half a world away. Sending peace, light, and love…~Tara

My heart breaks to hear your story. My husband lost his mom when he was only 18. We were friends when it happened. When we lose a mom we lose the person we could always count on to be our advocate. Like we have to be stronger now that our strength has gone on ahead of us. You keep your mom’s legacy alive when you live to make her proud.

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Welcome to my blog. This place on the internet has been around for a few years now. For a while I almost called it home. Now, I have been on quite a few breaks, but don’t let that keep you from enjoying my content.