The writer is
writing at his desk and then reading aloud what he has written

WRITER

The night resembled
nothing so much as the nose of a giant Labrador
in excellent health: cold, black, and wet…no, that’s right. Um….The rising sun crawled over the ridge and
slithered across the hot barren terrain into every nook and cranny like grease
on a Denny's grill in the morning rush, but only until eleven o'clock when they
switch to the lunch menu. I’ll fix the
opening later, anyway this has nothing to do with our story which takes places
thousands of miles away in Virginia at yet another
play writing contest. Just what writers need, more competition. Anyway, lights
go on. Genesis Q. Orridge is leaning out a window

JELLO BIAFRIA (bored)

No, Genesis Q. Orridge don’t do it! Stivel isn’t worth it!

GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE (bored)

Stay back! I mean it!

JELLO BIAFRIA (bored)

No man is worth this!

GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE (bored)

I’ll end it my way!

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

The lights go off. The lights come back on. Jello Biafria is
throwing them out a window

GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE (Very bored)

No, Jello Biafria don’t
do it!

JELLO BIAFRIA (Very bored)

Stay back! I mean
it! I’ll end it my way!

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

The lights go off.
After several seconds, they come back on again. The characters are on stage exactly how the
last scene left them. They look up towards the roof and wait several seconds.
Ten years in theater and this is the best role I can get… announcer. Jes. I wonder
if I can still get into graduate school

JELLO BIAFRIA

I think he’s given up for the night. Thank God, I can’t take this much longer.

GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE

How many times is he going to rewrite this scene? Why
doesn’t he just give up? Most people
learn to write by the second grade, and then go on to do greater things, like
acting and then directing and finally…………..ushering
the most sensible and productive job in theater

JELLO BIAFRIA

(Exhausted, she throws herself into a chair)

The wastebasket is this guy’s best friend.

GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE (Turns to the audience)

We’ve now established the basic plot, what’s called the
“binding element” and that is, we all hate the writer so we’re binding on
that…got it?

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY:

McDermott Homicide, dressed in a trench coat, badge on his
waist with a holster and pistol, strolls onto the stage, see’s how depressed
everyone is…. Mr. Big deal, like I couldn’t wear a rain coat. I could have done
this part

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

He changed the scene……
again?

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

Preoccupied with other things, they all nod. I should try
directing I’d be good at that, its not like it requires some great talent

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

From wha…

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY (Mumbling)

I could do his role without the props…but nooooooo, I have
to be “off stage”

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

May I continue?

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

Sorry, sorry, sorry….I’m
sorry, please go ahead

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

Thank y………….

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

ruin the play with your ham fisted acting. Chew on a piece
of scenery if you like

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

(He reads the line VERY fast and then looks over quickly at
the off stage voice guy)

From what to what?

JELLO BIAFRIA

From dumb to stupid, which, oddly enough in its own way, is a sort of evil reverse talent

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

And did you hear those awful, predictable lines he’s given
me? “Everyone stay where they are” …I
mean, God! How trite! But, hey, I’m lucky to be in the show right? I mean, for
an actor, bad lines are better then no lines at all…am I right or what?

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

The others look at him and then look away

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

What?

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

He turns and looks at the off stage voice guy for an
explanation………I can’t get involved. I’m not even part of the play, never mind
that I did Shakespeare in Central Park…it was
a paying gig too….but nooooooo, I can’t even have a piddley little
speaking role. I don’t need this, you
know. I have friends in Hollywood.
I have a script…here, have a copy

He can’t do that! I’m
an essentially stock character, gruff Irish cop, heart of gold under a rough
exterior! I’m a cornerstone of all good
murder mysteries, slash satire, slash comedy,
slash drama…that yutz! No good playwright would do that

JELLO BIAFRIA

Well no one has ever accused him of being a good playwright, enthusiastic maybe,
oblivious perhaps…but not good.

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

Enter STIVEL. You know, I could have done his role too, not
much meat to it…..but nooooooo, we need to limit the number of characters in
the play.

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

I won’t stand for this; I’m going to go see him…I should be
the lead in this play! I should be on stage…. alone! (Although wearing a hat
and coat he grabs a hat and coat from a chair)

She stands, walks to the edge of the stage and addresses the
audience….like I couldn’t do that either…I should be the lead in this play….I
could play a female role…Jack Lemmon did it, Tony Curtis pulled if off

GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE

As a theater
professional, I feel obligated to let you know that McDermott Homicide is “the
writer’s” ham-fisted version of a sub-plot which is essentially the same as the
main plot……character, conflict and resolution but the so-called writer will try
to make the sub-plot function as comic relief…in this case McDermott Homicide.
Frankly, sub-plots are way, way, way
out of this “Writers” reach, so if he loses you, just raise your hand and one
of the actors will fill you in. Anyway, let get onto the romantic portion of
the play

STIVEL

Hello Jello Biafria…he said smold….smolder….

JELLO BIAFRIA

Smolderingly……...Ouy vay

STIVEL

Thank you…smolderingly Ouy vay. It’s possible to live an
entire life with eyes that can’t see, ears that can’t hear and lips that can’t
speak but I think we should die a quick death to be born with a heart that
can’t love. I wonder where he lifted that line from? I think I heard that on a Bonanza rerunepisode on TV Land

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

Across the stage, Mc Dermott Homicide talks to the writer

GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE

Well, this ought to be entertaining

JELLO BIAFRIA

If it is, THE WRITER will think of a way to ruin it

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

Are you the writer?

THE WRITER

Who are you? What do you want?

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

McDermott. Homicide. I have head shots and a resume if
you need them

THE WRITER

I had a character in one of my plays called McDermott
Homicide…a real idiot…killed him off …good play though, orphaned, blind black
kid in a wheel chair gets hit by a bus, survives and dies of cancer, really
pulled at the heartstrings, although maybe as a light musical comedy wasn’t the
way to go with that one

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE (Smiling broadly)

That’s me!

THE WRITER (Frowning mightily)

You’re not black and your not blind and where’s your wheel
chair?

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

No! I’m
McDermott…The idiot! I’m McDermott the
idiot!

GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE (Smiling and sincere)

It’s like watching two baboons talk isn’t it?

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

Listen, you can’t write me out of the play! Look, be
a pal, put me back in, coach. Be reasonable!
At least discuss it with me……is it something I said? Because, if it is…you said it first….I really
like that line. By the way, if you’re working on anything new, I’m available,
I’ll send you some head shots later

THE WRITER

We’re not having this conversation because you’re not real,
you’re a fictional character.

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

Reality…what’s reality but a cowards substitute for Prozac.
Don’t let it scare you.

THE WRITER

Reality doesn’t scare me buddy! I work in the arts! Let me
tell you something, more then once I’ve looked reality straight in the eye and
denied it! Besides I really don’t want to get involved….. (To the audience) Get
it? Get involved? It’s a funny line, you’ll probably laugh later. See, I’m THE
WRITER so I’m already involved in the work.

GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE

That’s not based on anything I’ve seen

THE WRITER

(looking over at GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE)

You now, I really don’t like her

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

The light fades on McDermott and the writer. The stage goes
dark and then the lights go back on. McDermott walks on stage, he a pulls .32
out of his coat and shoots JELLO BIAFRIA

STIVEL

(Obviously reading a
hidden script near a plant)

My God! What have you done! Why! Oh Why? He said
shockedandapalled

MCDERMOOT, HOMICIDE

(Reading a script
hidden inside his coat lining)

I think it’s “Shocked and appalled” it’s a misprint and you’re not suppose to read that part aloud
and I killed her, I hope

STIVEL

(Taking a page of the
script he had taped to the back of a plant and reading it to himself) Oh yeah,
you’re right, it is shocked and appalled.
But my character does have a good point, I mean, why did you shoot her? It
completely ruins the romantic overtones of the play and it doesn’t really fit
into the story line.

MCDERMOOT, HOMICIDE

Well not really. Now that’s she dying, you understand that
you can’t live without her blah blah blah, it pulls at the audiences heart
strings blah blah, blah and it cuts at least five minutes from the play…Well
that, and it was the only way I could stay on stage and Chekhov’s rule,
gun comes out, gun goes off

WRITER (Yelling across the stage)

I learned that in playwriting class

JELLO BIAFRIA

Chekhov! That idiot is quoting THE Chekhov

THE WRITER

That’s right, Chekhov…the guy on Star trek (Speaking to
McDermott) And they say television isn’t educational

STIVEL

But shooting her! You couldn’t figure out another way to
bring us together?

MCDERMOOT, HOMICIDE

Not me pal, it was the writer…and in his defense, it’s a
ten-minute play, we ain’t got all day here.
Besides, you have to admit, it’s effective

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

Stivel throws himself down to Jello Biafria and holds her in
his arms…I could have done this part, a breeze….but nooo…I’m the announcer. I
mean its not even acting, not really

STIVEL (reading from a script taped to a plant)

Jello Biafria! Speak to me! He says with great emotion in
his voice Pause

JELLO BIAFRIA

I can’t breath

STIVEL

What? That’s not in the script. Do you see that in the
script? I got the wrong script! I knew it!
You’re all out to get me! I knew it. Stop the play! I was given the
wrong script

JELLO BIAFRIA

You’re leaning on my windpipe, you idiot! Get off of me!
Paranoid loon.

STIVEL

Oh. Disregard the all-out-to-get-me remark people. Sorry

JELLO BIAFRIA

Go ahead, it’s you’re line

STIVEL

She’s….She’s gone. Pauses, for several seconds and turns to
McDermott Homicide

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

That’s my line, you yutz. As it is I’m a barely in the play.
I could be doing film in Europe

STIVEL

How was that? Too much? It was too much wasn’t it? See? This
is what happens when actors don’t get directions during the readings. It was
too much wasn’t it?

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

No, no, no…it was fine, you know, considering the limits of
your talent and all.

STIVEL

Than you. (Turns to Jello Biafria) She’s….she’s dead

JELLO BIAFRIA

No, I’m not dead I’m waiting for the idiot to write my next
line…hold on a second.

Typical man. Chokes at the emotional parts.

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

Oh Yeah, forgot!

MCDERMOTT shoots GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

The writer didn’t like that remark about a wastebasket being
his best friend and he feels that for a secondary character playing a lead
character, you got kind of an attitude problem

GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE (Dying)

Man, this sucks! Aw, damn! Hey writer! You know, the stage
business isn’t for sissy’s, if you’re gonna write you better toughen up against
criticisms….look at my last reviews for Hamlet

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

She takes the reviews from her pocket

GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE (Dying)

“She was out acted by the floor boards” You think I shot
anybody over that? Anyway, I have head shots if you’re casting later

STIVEL

You can’t do that! You can’t kill off a character like that

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

Sure I can

STIVEL

Well okay, but not twice in the same play!

GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE

At least not in the same act!

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

Why not?

STIVEL

It’s predictable overkill.
(To the audience) pardon the pun. It was too good to pass up

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

Maybe, but you didn’t see it coming (To the audience) and
neither did you

STIVEL

Well the writer’s an idiot. Ask the director, he’ll tell you
the same thing. Go ahead.

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

Smiling broadly, the director stands up and nods in agreement
and then, delighted at the attention directors so rarely get, turns and winks
to the audience and gives them a two handed V sign. McDermott turns slowly and
shoots Stivel and the director.

STIVEL

I guess I should have seen that one coming. Here, have a
copy of my resume, I do nude scenes and opera

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

He turns and shoots the guy doing the off stage ….voice…oh…I
don’t think so…..

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY shoots McDermott Homicide

GENESIS Q. ORRIDGE

(Lifting her head from the floor) This is what we call a
twist in the plot

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE

Why’d you shoot me? Was it Genesis Q. Orridge? You were
secretly in love with her?

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

Uuummmm….for the sake of making this play seem more involved
then it actually is, I’ll say yes, but between me and you, I just wanted the
leading role, I really need the part for my resume. Would you like a headshot?
Get it? Head-shot? See? I can do comedy too.

MCDERMOTT, HOMICIDE (Dying)

But….but….how?

OFF STAGE VOICE GUY

Paid off the writer.
Ten bucks, not bad. I was willing to go up to twenty…..thank God for student
loans…like I was saying; I should have had the lead from the start…..

The lights go off.
The lights come back on. The writer is writing at his desk

THE WRITER

She walked toward him, her dress billowing in the wind --
not a calm and predictable billows like the sea, but more like the billowing of
a mildewed shower curtain in a cheap motel where one has to dance around to
avoid touching it while trying to rinse off soap

Nope. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a
sneeze. Naw. She was sending me more mixed signals than a dyslexic third-base
coach. The lights go on. McDermott Homicide has a pistol pointed to his temple

Welcome writers!

PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT ME REGARDING QUESTIONS ON ORGANIZED CRIME

Please do not contact me regarding questions on organized crime. I will not respond. Thank you.

JWTUOHY95@GMAIL.COM

jwtuohy95@gmail.com

What really knocks me out is a book that, when you're all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn't happen much, though.” ― J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

Steve: Mary, Don’t ever change, for anybody.

Mary: I won't. I can't. I’m Irish and Jewish, I’m pretty much set in stone.

This about sums it up

Hello and welcome. Enjoy the site.

Shameslessly self-promoting since August of 2012

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“But the penciled sheets did not seem like nor smell like the library book so she had given it up, consoling herself with the vow that when she grew up, she would work hard, save money and buy every single book that she liked” Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Short stories

My short stories are posted here, you just have to go and search them out.

John William Tuohy

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My Google profile...I think, I'm not really sure what I just filled out.

That's Okay

This is my serious look

gees, I have a red face

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Some savage.............

"Some savage faculty for observation told him that most respectable and estimable people usually had a lot of books in their houses."

Photographs I've taken (Click on me)

Photographs I've taken (Click on me)

............he had an abiding sense of tragedy

“Being Irish, he had an abiding sense of tragedy, which sustained him through temporary periods of joy.”

This is my serious look...........

......how about that hat?

This is my hurry the hell up I'm bored look..

..how about that hat?

Me at work.

Maine

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

John William Tuohy is a writer who lives in Washington DC. He holds an MFA in writing from Lindenwood University. He is the author of numerous non-fiction on the history of organized crime including the ground break biography of bootlegger Roger Tuohy "When Capone's Mob Murdered Touhy" and "Guns and Glamour: A History of Organized Crime in Chicago."

His non-fiction crime short stories have appeared in The New Criminologist, American Mafia and other publications. John won the City of Chicago's Celtic Playfest for his work The Hannigan's of Beverly, and his short story fiction work, Karma Finds Franny Glass, appeared in AdmitTwo Magazine in October of 2008.

His play, Cyberdate.Com, was chosen for a public performance at the Actors Chapel in Manhattan in February of 2007 as part of the groups Reading Series for New York project. In June of 2008, the play won the Virginia Theater of The First Amendment Award for best new play.

Contact John:

MYWRITERSSITE.BLOGSPOT.COMJWTUOHY95@GMAIL.COM

Other works by John Willaim Tuohy

The Mob Files Series (Companion guides to the Spotlight series)

The Mob Files: It Happened Here: Places of Note in Chicago gangland 1900 to 2000

The Mob Files: Mob Cops, Lawyers, Informants and Fronts

The Mob Files: Mob Wars. "We only kill each other"

The Mob Files: The Illustrated Guide to the Mob in Vegas

The Mob Files. The Mob Across America

The Mob Files. The Mob in Hollywood

The Mob Files: Whacked: One Hundred Years Murder and Mayhem in the Chicago Outfit

The Best of the Mob Files Series: Illustrated Articles on Organized Crime Vol. 1

The Best of the Mob Files Series. Illustrated Articles on Organized Crime Vol. 2

The Mob Files Series: Joe Petrosino's War On the Mafia

Mob Buster: Report of Special Agent Virgil Peterson to the Kefauver Committee

Published Stage Plays (Placed in public domain by the author)

Cyberdate. An Everyday Love Story About Everyday People

A Day at the Office: A ten minute play in four scenes

Four Short Plays

Four More Short Plays

Boomers on a train. A ten minute Play

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligans Island. A Ten minute play in one act

The three lives of Maria Calderion. A trilogy of ten minute plays.

High and Goodbye: Everybody gets the Timothy Leary they deserve. A full length play

The Dutchman's Soliloquy.

Irish-Americana

The Wee book of Irish Blessings, Toasts and Proverbs.

The Wee Book of Irish Jokes

The Wee Book of Irish Recipes

The Wee Book of Irish-American Gangsters

The Wee Book of the American Irish in Their Own Words

The Book of Things Irish

The Connecticut Irish

Tuohy's of the World

Organized Crime

The Salerno Report. The Mafia and the Murder of President John F. Kennedy

On the Waterfront. The Making of a Great American Film

Organized Crime: 25 Years after Valachi. Hearings before the US Senate (The Mob Files)

When Capone's Mob Murdered Roger Touhy. In photos: The Strange Case of Touhy, Jake the Barber and the Kidnapping that Never Happened

Chicago's Mob Bosses:From Accardo to Zizzo

The Killing of Rosy Rosenthal.

The Illustrated Book of Prohibition Gangsters

An Illustrated Chronological History Of Organized Crime. Vol1. 1863-1949

The Book of Jewish Gangsters

The Chicago Mob. A History. 1900-2000

Whacked. One Hundred Years Murder and Mayhem in the Chicago Outfit

The Life and World of Al Capone

The Bioff Scandal.

The Life and Times of Terrible Tommy O’Connor.

The Russian Mafia in America

General

Baby Boomers Guide to Songs of the 1960s

Baby Boomers Guide to the Beatles Songs of the Sixties

The book of funny, odd and interesting things people say: "Half the lies they tell about me aren't

It's Not All Right to be a Foster Kid....no matter what they say

Media appearancesUniversity of Philadelphia RadioKLES AlaskaWINN St. LouisWLTN New OrleansWTKI Huntsville AlabamaYahoo Radio, The Lionel Show, on Eyada.Com.Regular guest April 25 ("The Best of...")Voice of America Television. (Talk to America Live) With former Colombo member Richie CiroThe Milt Rosenberg Show, (WGN Chicago.)Q107 Toronto. (The John Derringer Show)The Asbury Park Press, Asbury, New Jersey,Self MagazineThe Lancaster News,The New Orleans Times PicayuneTime Out New York magazineGeorge Mason Gazette The Frederick Gazette (Maryland)

Editor and/or Contributor

US Government Time Line of Organized Crime

The Words of Walt Whitman...

The Works of Horace

The Writer's Guide.

What they say in New England.

What Would Jesus Do?

Wicked Good New England Recipes

A Christian Child's Story Garden

American Essays 1

American Essays 2

American Essays 3

An Elementary Spanish Reader.

Mob Recipes to Die For.

More Celtic Fairy Tales

More Mob Recipes to Die For...

Old Greek Stories

Organized Crime: 25 Years after Valachi

Perfect Behavior.

Poets and Dreamers: Stories from Irish History

Scottish Ghost Stories.

The Canterville Ghost

She Stoops to Conquer.

Sophist

Steal this Book

Stories of Colonial Connnecticut

The Adventures of Buster Bear

The Argonautica

The Art of War

The Day Nixon Met Elvis

The Haunted House

Children's Bible Stories

Children's Bible.

Cop on the Scene

Early Street Gangs

Euthydemus

A History of Violence

Rattling the Cup on Chicago Crime.

Religion and Art in Ancient Ireland

Fishbowling on The Last Words of Dutch Schultz.

Bible Stories for Children 1

Bible Stories for Children 2

Bible Stories for Children 3

Bugsy & His Flamingo

Celtic Fairy Tales

Chicago. A Photographic Essay.

Gangsters Quotes

Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

The Quotable John F. Kennedy

The Quotable Kahlil Gibran

The Quotable Machiavelli

How to Pray

Life of James Mars, A Slave

Little Folded Hands

Manners 1914

Quo Vadis

The Threat of Russian Organized Crime

Al Capone: The Biography of a Self-Made Man

George Washington's Rules of Civility

Shooting the mob.Organized Crime in Pictures 1

Shooting the Mob: Organized Crime in Pictures 2

Shooting the Mob: Organized Crime in Pictures 3

Shooting the Mob: Organized Crime in Pictures 4

The Legend of Sleepy Hollow

The New England Mafia

The New York Mob: The Bosses

The Necessity of Prayer

The Quotable Confucius

The Quotable Conservative

The Quotable Dorothy Parker

The Quotable Emerson

The Quotable Epictetus

The Quotable Greeks

The Quotable Groucho Marx

The Quotable Helen Keller

The Quotable Henry David Thoreau

The Quotable Oscar Wilde

The Quotable Popes

The Quotable Robert F. Kennedy

The Quotable Shakespeare.

The Quotable Writer

The Twenty-Fifth Regiment of Connecticut

The History of the Great Irish Famine

The Life, Crime and Capture of John Wilkes Booth

LLR Books

“Go into the arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possible can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something.” ― Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country

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Diets

Organized Crime

Open a vein

“There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.” Walter Welles

What I think

Detail makes the difference

Detail makes the difference between boring and terrific writing. It’s the difference between a pencil sketch and a lush oil painting. As a writer, words are your paint. Use all the colors. Rhys Alexander