What Do We Feel?

It is often said about our kind that we are effectively dead. This refers to an emotional demise. This emotional demise is linked to the perception that we do not feel. This state of emotional deadness is also connected to the concept that our kind feel empty, that there is a vast chasm inside of us, a howling wilderness where there is nothing. If we are emotionally dead, what caused that? Who or what might the slayer be? Is there any prospect of resurrection? Do we feel nothing? Is there this all-pervading sense of nothingness inside of us?

I am not emotionally dead.

Why do I write this? It is because I do feel things. I feel the burning harshness that flows from criticism of me. I feel jealousy when people are listening to somebody else in the group and not me. I feel envy when I see a car that is superior to mine. I feel frustration when I am not causing someone to do as I want. I feel hatred for those who have turned against me and through their perfidious treachery they seek to do me harm. I feel the fury when I respond to the criticism. Those feelings are strong, visceral and real. I also feel power. I feel that familiar surge as the first flames of power spark into life, brought into being by the application of fuel and then they grow. The surging sensation increases and courses through me, invigorating me and edifying me. It drives me forward, causes me to feel like I am bursting as it enables me to shine, to dazzle and to perform. The intensity of this feeling is substantial and not only is it necessary for me to feel like this, it is addictive.

What then of those other emotions, sadness, joy, happiness, fear, concern, compassion and so forth? Where are those emotions? They are absent. I do not feel them. I have seen in those around me certain responses and listened to people describe them so that I know what happiness looks like and I know what it feels like to you, but I do not feel it. It is clear to me that when you feel happy, I feel powerful. When you feel joy, I feel a greater sense of power. Accordingly, it is correct to state that in respect of those emotions I am dead, or is that entirely accurate. For something to die it must first have once lived. Something must have been there to begin with and then have vanished, been obliterated or removed. Was I once happy and then the capacity to be happy was taken away from me? Who removed it? Was it the act of someone else or did I decide to strip happiness from myself and arm myself with power instead? Then again, is it the case that certain elements of my emotional spectrum are not dead at all but instead I have experienced some kind of emotional paralysis. Are those emotions somewhere but they have been halted, capped, muted? I know from my reading and observation that, for example, compassion appears to be learned from others. Was I once learning to be compassionate and then for some reason it stopped and has never been allowed to develop again? Was I once able to experience joy but then that was stunted and halted and kept from me?

Alternatively, it might be that with regard to certain emotions I am neither emotionally dead or emotionally paralysed. In both those instances it must follow that the emotion was once there but has either been removed (death) or halted (paralysis). What if the emotion was never there to begin with? What if I was created without the capacity for joy, for sadness of for compassion? What if I was created in a different way? What if my creation and development meant that it was necessary to forgo such emotions in order to facilitate a certain way of being which allowed me to achieve and accomplish more effectively without being hampered or hindered by such emotions. I have no concern for who I might tread on, on the way up, so I climb that much quicker and that much higher than other people. Might it be the case that in order to have those who excel in so many fields it was necessary for us to be denied certain emotions to ensure we were effective? I readily admit that not everyone who is a leader in their field, an achiever and a winner is necessarily one of us, but we are over-represented. Even if someone might not be regarded as one of our kind, I know that they will possess more of our traits and to a greater degree than they do not. Perhaps this was a necessary trade-off so that the pioneers, conquerors and leaders would advance but at a personal cost in terms of the provision of certain emotions. Perhaps we were never granted those emotions to begin with? Through my increasing awareness with the good doctors I am forming a view.

Do I laugh? Am I amused? Do I have a sense of humour? Yes, I do and I know I have an excellent sense of humour (aside from when you do not do what I want or criticise me). I have been asked what do I feel when I laugh? If I am laughing along with others at something I have said, then I feel power because I am being fuelled. What do I feel if I laugh when I am watching a comedian on stage or on television? I laugh because I know it is expected of me in such a scenario. I laugh because I can work out that what was said was witty or amusing, but I do not feel any power. I do not feel any uplifting sensation in the way that you have described to me. Often I feel a sense of unrest and the clamour of jealousy because people are laughing at someone else’s wit and not mine.

What do I feel when I see one of my country’s athletes securing gold at the Olympics? Am I proud of them? I know to say the correct things to provide recognition for their achievement but again I feel a sense of envy that it is not me on that podium receiving the accolade of the crowd in the stadium. I can see you sat next to me clapping and smiling and I am jealous that you are clapping this person on the television and not me. I can feel the first prick of the wound because your applause for them and not me suggests they are better than me and thus you are criticising me. I feel the need to tell you about my sporting achievements so you give me praise and thus the criticism is abated before it has caused too much damage and before my fury is ignited. I may instead allow the fury to ignite and find some way of lashing out at you so you react and provide me with your attention through being hurt and upset. This is why on so many occasions you will be doing something with us that is pleasant and enjoyable and then in the blink of an eye an argument has come out of nowhere or a brag or boast appears linked to what we are doing. I cannot feel happy for that athlete. I can acknowledge the achievement because he is a winner and I love to win. I will acknowledge the achievement and apply what I have learned in order to show the correct feelings if I am in a situation where it would not be appropriate to unleash some heated fury, for instance if it would crack my façade, but I will be desperate to bring the conversation or attention onto me by remarking how I won gold in the country championships as a teenager or start talking about my latest achievement at work.

What do I feel when I see an advert for a charity on the television? Am I moved by the images and the mournful accompanying soundtrack. Do I feel pity, sympathy and compassion? No, I do not. I feel nothing. If I hear you making sympathetic noises then just as in the example above I want your attention on me, not on the orphan on the screen. I may comment about my charitable work so your praise me. I may pass a scathing remark about how it is a waste of money because very little of the money donated actually reaches the person who needs it, the bulk of the money being swallowed up by administrative and advertising costs in order to make you react. I may go further and blame the subject of the charitable activities as culpable for their own predicament in order to bring a heightened emotional reaction from you at my callous remarks.

I do feel. I feel many emotions and many emotions I do not feel at all. I also do feel a sense of emptiness which I seek to fill through the sensation of power. I need to fill up with this power to remove this sense of emptiness. This emptiness makes me feel uneasy and unsettled. I feel like I am disappearing and that by gathering fuel to make me feel powerful I am asserting my existence again. I am recognised, venerated and lauded.

I know what I feel. I also know what I do not feel. I have an awareness and growing understanding of why I feel as I do. I have an awareness as to why I must act as I do with regard to those feelings. I am ascertaining and working out why I feel in a different fashion to you. I understand my need for power and what it does for me. I understand the effects of this power and the consequences of its generation.

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52 thoughts on “What Do We Feel?”

Hg sorry if you already answered this. I am new to the blog and I couldn’t find it. Do midrangers have any idea that they don’t feel what other people feel or do they think everyone else is just like them? It seems like someone would know they don’t cry from sorrow and other people do.

It is really interesting, thank you for your insight Mr. HG, I used to think this was by choice so it was really upsetting…. but sometimes there was this look (just for a fraction of second) trying to understand why I was so annoyed… somewhat showing a very different mind structure.
I always keep thinking what is it that I have been driven to different narcissists… and return, and return…. it might be the case that I have done many things by myself in my life, putting a lot if effort into them, usually operating alone and having to show a lot of strength, algo being very self-demanding…. and then I meet the narcissist, and this power, this strength, this self-control makes me feel safe, as with nobody else (even if it is false)… and there is when people like me surrender, and come back, even when we know who this person is. What do you think Mr. HG, does it make sense???

It is, driven by my intelligence. Also narcissists that do exhibit humour will utilise traits from others as part of that humour (e.g. a particular joke or phrase that has entertained and often use it claiming it as their own).

“Was I once able to experience joy but then that was stunted and halted and kept from me?”

I realized something about myself when I read your words about joy.

I have often thought that I cannot feel joy; the sensation that I am not *allowed* – or free to feel joy – and I wonder where does that come from? On one hand I think about BKK’s words and alluding to Catholic background and the guilt associated with it – but that is not a sufficient answer for me.

I can do happy, or contentment…but it is more a sense of serenity than any other classification. The odd time where I have felt, for a limited duration, the sense of being ‘happy-go-lucky’ it is quickly shut down by the sensation of guilt or the belief that something will befall me..or that omg, how dare I feel joy when the world is such a horrible place…or that the people around me are suffering. So, in that instance it is quickly replaced by guilt.

And when I observe the pure delight and joy in a child’s expressions and vocalizations (while at play or interacting with their environment) I am, curiously, observing it objectively – and at the same struck by the unswerving belief that no one, *absolutely no one,* should be allowed to squelch that.

At the odd time, if I let my guard down, I find myself participating in that joy…but then, I quickly look around me as if to say; did anyone see that? Did *someone* witness that? And, mostly, I cannot enjoy the sensation for what it is. It is as if I dropped my own mask for a second and must scurry to recover it.

That seems aniexty related. The fact that you think if you feel joy something will befall you

Do you feel shame or guilt?

There is always one common theme in this whole narcissistic thing and that’s shame. Codependency is already shame based. If you are not Codependent then the Narc wants you to wear his coat of shame for him. If you are Codepebdent, he just wants to add another layer and you are a willing coat hanger

I find you quite an unusual narcissist because you must be somewhat truthful in order to write truthfully in this blog. I suppose you do it for heightened power, but nevertheless your answers to these questions you raised on emotions appear truthful. Are they not?

Nothing. I would however work out what might be done and if I deemed doing this would be of use to me, I will do it. If that meant rescuing the animal, I would do so. If that meant tackling the abuser, I would do so and with force. If that meant killing the animal, I would do so.

HG – my husband was a narc as you informed me via counselling previously. HOWEVER – Just wondering, why my husband brought home my/our beautiful ginger tom cat – that had been run over. The cat looked terrible. The head deformed from the impact. He carried the cat in crying profusely. I loved that cat so much, but so had he – was he truly brokenhearted about the cat. Or looking back – was he acting sad? And, enjoying knowing how traumatic I would feel seeing my beautiful cat run over. I cried for days.

I cant believe youd feel nothing seeing an animal abused HG. You seem the type that would help the animal. Of course what you say is true but its so hard to believe youd feel nothing.
Id die trying to save an abused animal. This bothers me to the core 🙁

I previously contemplated ending Stepnarcs life with complete logic and with no thought to remorse of ending a human (ish) life. All that stopped me was the legal repercussion to me, and to be honest, if I thought I would be 100% successful and there was no way I would be caught, there are other human lives that it wouldnt bother me to personally extinguish. And yet I cannot harm an animal. Last week a mouse came out from my fireplace appearing to be sick or poisoned and came over to where I was sitting and looked up. I was curious and when I moved to get up it did slowly make its way to another area. I trapped it under a pail and slid cardboard underneath it and took it outside to release it. I found it dead the next morning a few feet over from where I let it out, and I felt bad, but I rationalized that at least I tried to help and felt it knew it. Then I thought, well all I really did was put him outside to freeze to death-maybe I should have killed him to end his apparent suffering. Fuck it all-in the end you cant win. Hows that for fucked up? Haha welcome to my world.

Hi narcangel…you have a good heart. You did what you thought was best for the mouse.
As far as your stepnarc thats an entirely different story bc abuse was involved. Thinking and doing are two different things. You may of thought you could kill him but when the opportunity arose you may not of or maybe you would of but again abuse was involved. Its not like you wanted to kill out of greed or envy. You were hurt by this person.
What really is upsetting to me is seeing animals abused. They are on a lower playing ground and vulnerable. Same goes for children and the sick or elderly.
I hate seeing any person or animal abused but animals really trigger me. I grew up with a dad who had sadistic traits hurting animals and i wont tolerate it. If i see someone hurting an animal ill call them out on it. I find it so disgusting.

Narc Affair
I remember it clearly. He was drunk and bent over looking for a pot or something in a lower cupboard. He liked to think he was a master chef so had many gadgets and sharp high quality knives about. I had been threatened not to move or to open my mouth to speak while he droned on and on. This was my internal dialogue:

This has to end-the younger ones cannot endure this (I had given up on my mother).
(Eyes flitting around the room and landing on a very large sharp knife)
Hurry! Hes going to stand up soon
I’ll go to jail. Mom doesnt drive and they wont let the kids in-I’ll never get to see them or be able to look after them.
Hurry!
What if I hit bone or muscle and he doesnt die? (He was 6’ 1 and very muscular). He will go into a rage and kill us all-it will be my fault.
I have to try. He has to die for this to end because shes (mom) pathetic.
What if I wait until hes drunk and lying on the couch? That will be better. I can wait until the others are out and plunge the knife straight into his heart.
Fuck! That will have to do. Hes up.

Not once did I give thought to ending his life as being wrong. In fact I thought I would be doing the world a service. Just as I know now that I could justify looking into the face of an abuser of those unable to fend for themselves (including animals) and end their miserable existence and feel nothing but the fact that they dont deserve to live and the world would be a better place.
This is why early on I thought I had become him (narc), but as HG pointed out to me-I possess empathy so am excluded ( as much as that may surprise some, given my disposition). Finding this website, HGs books, and consulting with him has changed everything for me in explaining not only what I had been carrying all those years about myself, but also why it was happening in the first place with my mother and stepnarc, although there is still much to learn. I WISH these resources had been available at that time and am grateful that they are now so that other little girls (and boys, men, and women) can get the help and answers they need to never have to face that decision or carry that burden.

You remind me of a former boss…smart, acidic humor. Everyone was scared of her. I wasn’t. I could tell she had a good heart — and that she’d do more good than most, in a number of scenarios. She was often “all or nothing.” She thought 95% of the population were idiots. But if she thought you were worthy, there was nobody more loyal and better to you. To this day, if I called her up out of the blue in any kind of angst, she’d drop everything for me. If I told her about the narcissist who is (essentially) stalking me, she’d be the most likely person to put a hit on him, 100%. Lol – but true! (damn sure won’t tell her). She’d see it as the greater good. She’d be enraged that I was being bothered.

She’s a SuperEmpath, no doubt in my mind. Her mother was atrociously cruel to her. She loathed her and told me once that she hopes she dies an excruciatingly painful death, all alone — then she apologized for revealing something so awful to “someone like me.” She’s tender-hearted to a few — dismissive to most. I’m nothing like her, but I totally get her.

I understand NarcAngel, when I was a teenager, I told my mother (fuel free) is she didn’t get out of my fucking bedroom I was gonna bash her fucking head in with a baseball bat. She left quickly. Zero guilt, zero empathy, no regrets. The world would have been better off without her in it.

HG, you been with the doctors as your writing is different. Perhaps emotions didn’t exist until say, the late 1700’s. Mankind started to evolve and this came in the form of emotions. And that these emotions in humans have not fully developed and will not in our lifetime. Evolution takes time. Thus the feeling debate rattles on . . . ad nauseum . . . science fiction?

Yes, you laughed during our consult and you have a great sense of humor. You even laughed at something I said! Progress.

Today, I spent a few hours with a male friend who I recently discovered has been watching me for at least 3 weeks. He’s been concerned about how Ive been doing since my breakup. I watched the subtle seduction begin to unfold. I was asked a lot of intrusive questions. He let some things slip so that I knew he’s been admiring me. The touch on my shoulder. Leaning in close. Laughing at my not so funny jokes. How easy he must think this will be.

Birds of a feather flock together–he and my ex- had a falling out but were once friends. Now I’m just trying to figure out which school and cadres he belongs in.

I’m getting better. I am already planning my escape and he’s only dropped one bomb. I saw most of the red flags. Progress. Any thoughts, HG, about the narc transitional man?

I think youre sounding low on fuel. I need you to take care of yourself please. Im reading your books, but I have a lot of questions.
Such as can you deal with constructive criticism or is any criticism wounding?

Thank you for clarifying. I feel hatred for those who have turned against me . . . that’s the scary part. It’s what you feel vs what you don’t feel that creates the judgment. It isn’t fair really as I love narcs. Having the knowledge of this dis-order creates a greater compassion and understanding.
I wish people understood all the dis-orders because we would all benefit.

HG, you should write something concerning the origins of the narcissist. Where do they come from and what made them. I know its childhood abuse, but what in detail about the abuse shut down. What are the different methods taken by the abuser to shut down a person’s positive emotions.

We still have much to learn about the role of nature vs. nurture, don’t we? As perplexing as we human beings can be, I found the questions you proposed to be the foundation of the mystery to all human behaviors. And your curiosity also gave me a rare glimpse into your deeper self… I appreciate being able to take a peek.

The whole concept of happiness is a bit of a mystery in itself. While my country was, in part, founded upon ” the pursuit of happiness,” it wasn’t long ago that certain cultures/religions saw joy as almost sinful. (Our purpose and the task to serve should outweigh mere happiness.) Or, as you stated… our pioneers were so busy just trying to survive; happiness was a luxury they couldn’t afford.

We certainly are blessed to have a lot of ambition in this world. We see it our country, in part, because of the ancestry of the brave souls who settled here (many from your neck of the woods). We are also known as the country of folks who smile a lot.

What is that twist on an old Russian saying… If you see someone smiling, they are either a fool or an American…?

Happiness is just something that I’ve always felt.
So dearest HG, if I could share that sensation with you, I would. But it’s not always so easy as you are aware of the flip side… the agony of having a tender heart.

As Miranda Lambert’s Tin Man goes…

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man
You don’t know how lucky you are
You shouldn’t spend your whole life wishin’
For something bound to fall apart

Every time you’re feeling empty
Better thank your lucky stars
If you ever felt one breaking
You’d never want a heart

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man
You don’t know how lucky you are
I’ve been on the road that you’re on
It didn’t get me very far

You ain’t missing nothing
‘Cause love is so damn hard
Take it from me, darling
You don’t want a heart

Hey there, Mr. Tin Man
I’m glad we talked this out
You can take mine if you want it
It’s in pieces now

By the way there, Mr. Tin Man
If you don’t mind the scars
You give me your armor
And you can have my heart

When I first heard Miranda sing Mr. Tin Man at a concert last year, I could easily relate to her words. I remember being in that deep despair and hating that I had such a fragile heart. So, yeah… give me an hour in that armor… and I’ll find plenty of ways to have a little fun!

“Anna the Empath”: ultra-sensitive to others; boundless creative/emotional/mental energies; connection to others intact despite environment; special gifts, special burdens.
“Elsa the Evolving”=ultra-sensitive about self; gifted; superior analytical skill set with obsessive/compulsive tendencies; as reaction to environment…evolution into SuperEmpath or narcissist?

BKK! Great to see you pop up, sister!:-) It seems you are doing mighty fine~I LOVE reading your insightful comments.:-)

Well, I’m doing a version of NC (one HG would, undoubtedly, refer to as “FAILURE,” lol)…

Mr. Handsome (AKA “The King”) can still reach me via work phones, which is a problem. It’s fine when he doesn’t block his number — I just don’t answer. But, apparently, he got sick of that…

So I was in a work environment yesterday, and an unknown call came through, which I answered. It was a pretty perturbed King. My innate personality is rather like “Childhood Anna,” so I can sometimes… well, lack the desire to completely contain myself. It went like this:

Him: Must be nice to have me wrapped around your little finger. Do not hang up on me again. What exactly is the matter with you?!
Me: You first.
Him: What?
Me: I said YOU FIRST.
Him: (laughing) Okay, babes…It’s impossible to stay mad at you…

I quickly got off the phone after that, but I messed up by responding. I hate tension + I do NOT want him showing up, so I’m trying to gauge when giving him a tiny bit of attention may be wise. But all I did there was make him NOT mad at me. So then what? Where am I going with this?? OFF RAMP, ANYWHERE IN 5,000 MILES, PLEASE? I’m trying to cool him down (I have a legit goal), but this is a lot of work.

I was, however, proud of myself for logically noting his massive projection with the “little finger” comment. He wants ME wrapped around HIS little finger. So spare me the theatrics, Your Highness.

Yep, I’m just flyin’ by the seat of my pants, using HG’s knowledge + my gut on handling this.

It sounds as though you are doing mighty fine yourself… especially in the management department. It’s a daunting, dirty job trying to keep a rogue king in-line. But I’m pretty sure your narc has the right woman for the job.

I can imagine that it was no easy task interacting with him while you were in a professional setting (They LOVE to call when they know we are on the job. Just like a kid: “Mama won’t yell if I call her at work to mention I kinda broke her favorite vase.” Ha! Those crafty little kings certainly know what they’re doing!)

Mine had a way about him that was so innocent and charming. Casanovas sure know how to get to us. But considering your master plan, I have no doubt that you will find a way to get through all of this and eventually will be in the exact place you wish to be.

Still, it is rough and tough. Who knew it would be this difficult trying to be civil yet keep a safe distance so they don’t weasel another hole into our hearts?

Sorry, Alessa…I didn’t mean to sound like you have to watch the whole movie to reply. Yes, please watch “Frozen” and turn in a 1,000 word analysis. Lol.;-) I appreciate that you even responded. Thank you!

I just happened to think of this movie scene after reading HG’s very heartbreaking post… it’s not like Disney was purposefully portraying empaths and narcissists in “Frozen,” but I did see something that spoke to me in this scene, so felt led to share it.

I see Elsa as a SuperEmpath. She is very isolated and made to “stuff” her feelings/is rather cloistered into being dependent on her parent’s approval + instruction… and she “battles her demons,” for sure…but her heart still stays tender enough for her later freedom and healthier connection to others, IMO. Her sister, Anna, seems to sustain her, and Anna’s real, unconditional love for her seems to take root deep enough for Elsa to later blossom — and never totally detach from feeling care foe others.

But I could see Elsa going another way — into narcissism.

It just made me reflect. So I thought I’d share – and see what others thought.

I like the question build up and the tone in your wording of this article.

I look forward to reading how you view why many leaders and influencers are narcissists, or have strong narcissistic traits, in the paradigm of biology and DNA. Meaning, if the construct of “good” and “healthy” emotions are deprived in the ability-lack of mirroring the caretaker at the early stages of life (from 18 months and onwards), or if these emotions are non-existing in the frontal lobe from birth.

I also know my husbands (narc) mother would hold her kids in her arms and pace the hallway rocking them ….and she hit their heads (she said ) on the door jams ..accidentily ??? ? when she was exhausted she said . She actually told me this . Being an empath people will tell me all sorts of scary stuff … I never let her watch my babies …alone or overnight .

If someone could please offer insight it would be greatly appreciated…I believe my ex is a covert narc w/altruistic rescuer characteristics. Our relationship I now see was the classic idealize/devalue/discard. He lied and cheated and is still with the woman he left me for (3 months since the discard). I have not been hoovered and am somewhat surprised by that. But what I’m most confused about is the amount of crying, sobbing actually, he did while we were together. He’s currently going through a divorce after being married for 12 yrs, with her for 17 yrs, and claims his ex is a narc and he was the one abused. Claimed she cheated and wanted the divorce and he’s devastated by the loss and what it means for their 2 young daughters. He seemed so genuinely distraught over the breakdown of his marriage and wept uncontrollably often. Is that a normal narc characteristic? He seems like such a broken human being. I realize much of that was probably manipulation but could he also actually feel the depth of what’s been lost? His behavior still baffles me and the whole thing has left me completely and utterly confused.

I think a brain scan would be interesting ;-). I know they find out all sorts of information about convicts ;-). It also can be a nature vs nurture situation. I know I grew up with lots of goofy humor and I cry when I laugh real hard …it’s a release and tension release big time. Not everyone makes me laugh like this , and not every joke …it’s rare . My brother does it to me …so I feel sometimes it’s a neve pathway that my body / mind remembers . I know my mother held us all and loved babies all 8 of us . I know perhaps sometimes when another baby was born it took away her attention from the one before ….I know there must be nurturing pathways grown or inherited by us all . I know Kings and rulers were made by mothers/ fathers from reading about past history . They a groomed people from infancy how to be a leader. They knew which feelings to not allow to grow or take root. But hell ….there must be studies and psychological studies ? But torturing babies for studies and information isnt legal . So they do animal studies … I know there is one about the monkeys that clung to a fake feeiding post full of barbwire to get their milk and they still kept going back even when it was painful and bloody to do so.