Monday, July 31, 2006

I love going to my gym. I really do. I have gotten past that point where you look for excuses not to go and I now feel completely guilty if I don't. I drink diet soft drinks exclusively. I actually watch what I eat now (I know Deeesguy is having a fit over his cup of coffee or is spitting out his Coca-Cola Classic since I swore I would NEVER become one of those Diet Coke drinkers ... does Coke Zero count??). Yes, I'm becoming a semi-regular healthy person. I say semi-healthy because I still slip a few times a week and hit Sonic for a Cherry Limeade … which is like manna from heaven. So I go to my gym which happens to be named after a precious metal (as if that wasn't enough of a hint) about 4 to 5 times a week. I like to go in, do my workout unimpeded and get out. I'm usually in and out in about an hour and a half. Except for those days when these annoying types show up … The Chach: The gym is full of these chach types. My wonderful friend, SR, in Dayton gave me this term and I fully intend to proliferate its use. Yes, the Chach. This guy shows up at the gym with hair done carefully … no, I'm serious. He's got enough gel in his hair to create a papier-mache Trojan horse. He's actually taken the time to do his hair and to lather himself with self tanner to go "work out". He's also got the standard armband tattoo of razor wire or some "tribal" design to go along with his oh so white Sketchers or super clean Nikes. He does all of his exercises in front of the mirrors so that he can be assured that you see him and he's strategically parked his A&F wearing ass in front of the dumbbells so you must "adore" his physique to pick up a 20 pounder. I did note that he's wearing an A&F tee and not an old college t-shirt because neither the University of Phoenix nor community colleges have alumni tees yet. Soccer Mom and/or FOX news Dad: These two shouldn't be allowed to breed, but since ignorance and stupidity are still legal, I must deal with these two when they decide to load up the mini-van with their brood for a "work out" session. Normally, mom will spend 15 minutes on the elliptical and then wander aimlessly around the weight machines stopping to park her dimpled ass on a piece of machinery. FOX news Dad is the braindead fuck who is shaking his head in agreement with whatever Bill O'Reilly (a.k.a. one of Satan's minions) says whilst his useless spawn run around the gym. FOX news dad will go do some curls with far too much weight and sway his body back and forth to lift it which actually doesn't do him a bit of good … then we won't see his tired ass in there for another 3 weeks until the current season of American Douchebag is over. The Personal Trainers: Now, am I bit jealous that I don't have a chiseled body like that? Sure I am. Would I love to have the cheesy 20-something year old secretaries (who, by the way call themselves "young professionals … lol … sorry, just being a snob and a dick at the same time), swoon all over me? What red-blooded guy wouldn't? But a conversation I overheard with one of the trainers with a new gym member affirmed my sense of self-snobbery. He was with a young girl with looks not unlike Olive Oil wearing a Princeton tee who had just signed up with the gym:

Trainer: So did you really go to Princeton?Olive Oil: Yeah … I just graduated this year.Trainer: Congratulations! You seem kinda young to finish college. How old are you?Olive Oil: 22.Trainer: You mean you finished college in four years? Boy, do I feel like a dumbass.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Sit back kids and I'll tell you a fairy tale ... no, not the one about the pizza delivery guy and the horny co-ed who wanted some "Italian sausage". No, this one is about a magical kingdom and the king's palace. You see, there was a magical kingdom in a place down in the far South where it was as hot as balls everyday which made your underwear stick to your ass as you walked down the cobbled pathways. At the center of this unGodly humid place was the kingdom's palace where a ton of administrators carried out the kingdom's business. It was well understand that in order to go into the palace, one had to go to certain doors and walk through a magic door and place all belongings into a magic box. All the citizens of the kingdom gladly obliged and all was happy, right????

Wrong .... dead fucking wrong!!!

Let me tell you how it really is. Working in any government building in the post 9/11 era, you've come to expect that you simply have to deal with security. If you've ever visited Europe or ever left the United States, you know what I'm referring to. In other places, they have armed guards at government buildings waiting for you to fuck up so that he can pump enough lead into you to make you a hot commodity at a metal scrap yard. It's amazing how fucking spoiled and ignorant we as Americans have become. We're all convinced that we're so special that these sorts of things just don't apply to us.

Anyways, every day I have to go through this little ritual. I put my bookbag on the conveyor into the metal detector and you walk through the metal detector checkpoint. If you set it off, the security guard paws your nads while passing his phalic metal detector wand within 2 inches of all you hold holy. But I'd rather do this than let some stupid fuck who has some sort of vendetta against the world walk in with 200 pounds of dynamite waltz in.

Of course, working in downtown Atlanta, I have to deal with the unwashed masses that are as braindead as they are incompetent. Today I got behind Ms. Suckteeth. Ms. Suckteeth couldn't be bothered going through these few simple steps. She simply tried to bull her way around the line forming at the checkpoint. When security redirected her back to the end of the line, she lived up to her name and well ... sucked her teeth loudly with attitude. To top it off, this useless fucktwit got to the front of the line finally and didn't bother to put her flea market Louis Vitton knockoff purse onto the conveyor belt. Instead, she reaches into her purse, puts her cell phone into the little basket next to the walkthrough metal detector and then walks through. So this walking example of why tigers eat their young goes through the metal detector with her purse ...with metal rivets ... and about $10 worth of pawn shop jewelry .... and she can't figure out why the detector is beeping. So she proceeds to suck her teeth with attitude once again while friendly security guard runs the metal detector wand over her.

I go through this all morning with the unwashed masses. If I go into the bathroom, there is some homeless guy in there taking a whore bath in the sink. If I go the cafeteria, I always end up behind the guy way past retirement age who insists on scrounging through both pockets to find 3 pennies ...or he's just playing pocket pool. Such is life in the magic kingdom.

Who would've guessed that the annoying sidekick from one of my sister's fave shows would've grown up to be so smokin' hot??? I certainly wouldn't have. Hell, I thought she'd be one of those VH1 Where Are They Now? where she's working in a video store in El Segundo. Apparently Jenna Von Oy has grown up ... and grow up she did. That is apparent here and here and here and here and oh yeah, especially here.

It's like I always told my younger brother when he was in school: Be nice to those girls that everyone picks on or that everyone considers ugly. They're gonna be the ones that really stand out in the end.

That is definitely the case in point here. Looks like Joey Lawrence was too busy worrying about his pompador and doing TigerBeat magazine covers to notice this hottie developing right underneath his nose. This leads me to wonder what ever happened to those girls that got teased in junior high and high school or hell ... even college. Did they ever develop into hotties? I imagine it's the same for guys. Everyone picks on a kid and then he grows up to be the next Brad Pitt or Ryan Reynolds. Do any of you know anyone who got picked on or overlooked only to have them develop into a knockout?

I think old Mr. Johnson hit on something with this. The AMEX ads that came out a bit ago with one of my true loves, Kate Winslet, reignited my full on crush for her. Not because of her movie roles. Not because she is a starlet. Not because she's rich or gorgeous. In fact, I think this ad does just the opposite. It shows her as a real person. It shows her as ... well, almost flawed.

Now, I don't mean to say that Kate isn't absolutely amazing. But look at this ad. We actually see Kate as a normal person and as a normal person we're all flawed. She's gnawing her finger like there is some sort of antedote in it. Her desk is cluttered, her hair is a bit disheveled. Hell, feet can be pretty gross but Kate has the bottom of her foot in the ad!!!

Ben is right. It's not perfection that makes someone necessarily attractive. Sometimes it's those little imperfections that make someone so much more attractive. I've found these traits so endearing in some of my past ex-g/fs. For example:

Girl A: She couldn't stand styrofoam. In so many other aspects of her life, she completely dominated the field and yet the sound or touch of styrofoam made her cringe like the German chancellor at the Anti-Christ's touch.Girl B: She was nearly quite literally a rocket scientist, could never get a screen projector to work in her classroom which simply required the pressing of a button. Girl C:She would almost always insist I massage her butt a bit before she fell asleep. It wasn't a sexual thing (although I would try and fail miserably far too many times), but for whatever reason it relaxed her enough to fall asleep.This didn't make them weird or stupid, it was endearing. It made someone more human, more vulnerable, more attainable. Maybe it was my fragile male ego that made me feel good that someone I found so amazing wasn't as perfect as I imagined.

I think that is the point of how many people get together. Somehow, we can look past someone's own perceived flaws or deficiencies and instead find an endearing quality in them. Whether that be someone's physical traits or a character quirk, imperfection is endearing.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

So this guy used to have a blog ... sometimes it was funny ... sometimes it wasn't. Well ... actually, most of the time it wasn't funny. BUT it was something to read ... sorta like the Reader's Digest you find at your grandmother's house next to her Gold Bond medicated lotion or next to the four-year old Golf magazines you come across at your doctor's office. It was something to read.

Then this jackoff just falls off the face of the earth. Completely gone. Gone like the Anti-Christ's approval rating. Gone like your common sense when the promise of getting laid is waived in your face. Yep ... gone like that. Now, this lazy sack of shit has decided to start writing again ... can you believe it?

I know the question will inevitably come up. Cincy, where have you been? I've been here. Just sorta uninspired and just worn out. You would think a government job would give me plenty of time off .... you would think. My day is starting at 6 A.M. and with traffic, rolling my tubby ass into the gym after work, and getting home at 9 P.M., I'm a bit exhausted. I'm currently involved in an unholy union with an ancient copier with whom I've spent more time this week than with any family I've got nearby. I'll move within the perimeter of the ATL sometime soon, but 'til then, I'll try to update regularly starting ..... now. You can thank Deeesguy for the title of this entry.

I know you saying to yourself: Cincy, what is your take on world events? Israel? The War in Iraq? The war against our civil rights? The elections? All valid topics. But let's face it. There is only one topic that should have the world holding it's collective breath. There is only one topic that has world leaders tossing & turning at night. There is only one topic that has economists pouring over data late into the night.

The topic: So who is better, Angels & Airwaves or +44?

Let's start with Angels. They released their first album and the first song definitely had me psyched. Kudos for throwing the first punch. "The Adventure" was a catchy little ditty. Tom DeLonge has taken this new band a little too seriously though. He has made AVA sound like it's the next coming of Nirvana; a band that will literally rewrite music history. Don't get me wrong .. the CD is decent. It's more like Simple Plan or Good Charlotte decent, not like Alkaline Trio or Rancid or Jimmy Eat World decent. I can't tell if the AVA is supposed to have a Christian bent or not .... but hey, whatever floats Tom's boat is what I say. I say that the band needs to get a few dick and fart jokes, but that's just my opinion.

+44 is officially the "cock tease" of the music world right now. Initially, their site had a tune to listen to that was subtle and understated. Quite good. But that's really been it. I've gotten more satisfaction from filling the toilet bowl at work than I've recently gotten from +44. I only hope +44 brings it; I hope they don't build up their project so much so that it is impossible to live up to my lofty expectations (after all, it's my opinion that counts .... at least on this blog). So until +44 decides to give it up like a drunken teenage girl at her first frat party, I'll have to wait .... and I AM NOT PATIENT!!!!