Jul 12 The Bachelorette: 2017, Episode 6!

Not content to stay in one place, The Bachelorette must conquer yet another country! They are headed to Switzerland!

The first thing the men do in this gorgeous country is complain about not getting dates. Look, buddies. I’ve NEVER gotten a single date with Rachel, let alone an all-expense paid trip through Northern Europe, so make like Mandy Moore and learn how to deal.

(Pictured, L to R: ?, Peter, Dean, ?)

Rachel arrives “like an angel,” according to Adam, to deliver some not particularly angelic news: this week there will be three one-on-one dates, and one three-on-one date. That, for the record, is the dirtiest sentence I’ve ever typed.

Kicking things off, Rachel chooses Bryan for a one-on-one. Ouch, all currently not-Bryan men! Those men say things like “the game just changed” and “curveball,” but instead of “game,” what I believe they mean is “this process” and “journey on the way to falling in love.” Stay on message, dudes.

As for today’s date: it’s all about luxury. Rachel says that NEVER has she treated a man the way she is planning on treating Bryan today. For his part, Bryan says he is #blessed.

Rachel has somehow procured a Bentley for Bryan to drive (not sure why Rachel doesn’t get to drive it, but whatever). They cruise around the expensive and luxurious city of Geneva, and then head straight to Breitling, where they try on ridiculously expensive watches.

(Wow a car I can barely stand the excitement)

I feel like a watch would look better on Peter's wrist, no? That’s about the limit of my investment in this season. Is it me or are the men blah? Is it me or are men blah?

Rachel then buys (through the producers and an advertising trade out agreement, no doubt) a watch for herself and one for Bryan. Bryan is overwhelmed and in turn treats Rachel to his tongue being jammed down her throat while the poor Breitling shopboy is forced to watch.

(Just off screen: a place of business)

That is an EXPENSIVE watch. I hope if she dumps him she demands it back while walking him to his limo.

(The re-sale value alone might make being on this show worth it)

In her confessional, Rachel basically works herself into a frenzy while discussing how hot Bryan is. I’m like......I guess. Are you maybe confusing him with Alex? Is that what this has all been about?!

Back at the house, the two men that time forgot, Adam and Matt, complain about how they never get any screen time. Luckily it’s a short scene.

Dean and Peter are similarly flummoxed that they didn’t get a one-on-one date, but I at least have some emotional investment in their happiness. Plus I generally remember their names.

Back to the date! Rachel and Bryan are kissing and I KNOW YOU’RE SHOCKED RIGHT. What’s going to be left to do on FANTASY SUITES week if these two know each other so intimately by mouth already? What’ll be left to explore?

(This was from an uninterrupted 17 minute shot)

Back at the house! The men, still complaining about not getting one-on-one dates, sit in judgement of the date card that has recently arrived. The next one-on-one dater will be.....DEAN! He’s instructed to put on his Sunday Best. Dean is excited. Guess what emotion the other men are feeling?

Back on the date that never stops kissing, Rachel wonders why Bryan is too good to be true. Rachel certainly seems into him. As is demanded on every evening date, Bryan must reveal one deep secret. Tonight’s is that he went to a private all-boys school.

Wow.

Rachel reveals that she too went to private school, and if you know that Bryan immediately demanded to see a picture of her in her schoolgirl uniform, it’s because you’ve met a dude at least once in your lifetime. Congratulations!

(Yours to keep!)

Bryan then tells a story about how his ex-girlfriend broke up with him because of something his mom did. I think? It’s sort of unclear WHAT that thing his mom did is, but it couldn't have been THAT bad because Rachel is still excited to meet her. Surprising literally no one, she gives Bryan the date rose. I think it’s a pavlovian response because whenever she gives him a date rose, he kisses her. Tonight, she gives him a rose, then he kisses her. Works like clockwork.

Suddenly, an orchestra starts playing from the boxes above. Were they just...like hanging out, tuning their instruments while Rachel and Bryan made out below them? What an odd gig.

(I hope they got a union rate)

They play while Rachel and Bryan dance, and by dance, of course I mean make out. Rachel narrates that Bryan has a lot of the characteristics that she’s looking for in a man, hilariously played over shots of them just ramming their tongues in each other’s mouths. #husbandmaterial

I know I’ve talked a LOT about them kissing on this date, but it’s really ALL they’ve been doing so far. I just report the news!

Another day, another man! Dean arrives on his date and promptly asks Rachel if he’s dressed appropriately enough, and I’m reminded that he’s just 25!

("It's the first shirt I've ever worn!")

Rachel tells Dean that today they are going to Catholic Mass. In French. What the actual hell? Bryan just got an extremely expensive watch on his date and Dean.....is forced to sit through church!?!? Rachel says that she needs someone who shares the same values as her, and I must have missed the part where Rachel and Bryan talked about their spirituality because it was interrupted by all the saliva exchanging.

While these two love birds engage in the wild ride of watching mass in another language, I go into a bit of a fit thinking about what a hometown visit with Alex’s family might be like. In my dream, he’s a triplet! We all drink copious amounts of Russian vodka and I am no longer able to distinguish between Alexes, but no one can even blame me. We then proceed immediately to FANTASY SUITES week, wherein ABC is forced to stop filming due to legal and FCC restrictions.

I’m brought crushingly back to earth just in time to catch Rachel and Dean grilling elderly couples about how long they’ve been married. Wow. Dean must feel like this is truly a dream date. Question: does he KNOW Bryan got a Breitling?

During this whole date, Dean has been dealing with a lot of internal conflict. “My family is not a traditional family.” He says ominously. WHAT does that mean? Are they swingers? Nudists? Libertarians!?!?!

(The locals sure seem curious to know)

Back at the house! Peter and Eric are chatting, and just take a look at Peter’s pitiful watch.

(How embarrassing)

Back to the date! Rachel tries to pull information out of Dean, and he responds with WHICH of the following? a) do you believe in the tooth fairy? b) what’s your favorite dinosaur? c) you’re so pretty d) all of the above!

(The answer is D!)

Girl he’s 25. What do you expect him to talk about!? His lifetime of experiences?

Back at the apartment of tumultuous male feelings, Peter gets the one-on-one date. For the record: Adam without Adam Jr. is not as amusing as Adam Jr. without Adam. Not amusing to Eric is the fact that he’s going on a group date with Adam and Matt.

Back to the current date! Rachel and Dean sit down to a dinner I know they won’t eat, and considering it’s fondue, it’s especially insulting to the viewing audience.

(It's a real fon-don't)

Rachel tells Dean that “something was off” on their date earlier, and Dean agrees that “today was weird.” Rachel presses, and Dean reveals the horrible truth: “I really, really like you.”

Rachel presses further, and Dean finally gets real: he’s anxious about the hometown visit. “My family is not going to be the family you want to see.” Dean is particularly concerned about his dad, and displays the surprising emotional clarity that’s been his gift all season: “He is not a person that has any bearing on my emotional experience.” Yowza! I truly can’t get enough of Dean’s insights!

Dean worries that Rachel will judge him for having a shitty family, to which I say - come on dude. Rachel may have largely terrible taste in men, but she’s not a cruel and judgemental person.

I’m a little concerned about Dean’s status on this date because it hasn’t been 69% (LOL) making out, but he manages to snag a rose.

Dean is overjoyed: “For her to be open to a dysfunctional, patriarchal family....it feels good.” Wow. I know he got into hot water at the beginning of the season for something he said, but he truly has a way with words that is unprecedented on this show. Does anyone currently left on this season casually use the term patriarchal, or know what it means? Particularly as a pejorative!

He gets a little tree-adjacent action to close out the date.

(Hot!)

The next day! Peter gets a one-on-one date. Hopefully it’s more interesting than Dean’s “going to church and nothing else” bullshit date.

And it looks like it will be! They helicopter (literally the most popular way for any Bachlor/ette to get places) around the Swiss Alps. It’s all very beautiful.

Once they’ve arrived, these two sit in what I can only imagine is the *freezing* cold to talk about their relationship. Peter has ice on the side of his head, making him look even more salt and pepper, and I am INTO it. How do they both manage to look good in this frigid weather?

(He always looks confused, but it's a good look on him)

Later that night, they easily segway into dinner. Rachel grills Peter about whether he’s ever brought home a black girl (he's never even dated a black woman, apparently). Again - did Bryan get this 3rd degree!? Next time I don’t want to be asked any uncomfortable questions, I’m just going to french kiss everyone around me for hours on end. It will make my future job interviews quite interesting, but it seems to really be working for Bryan so it’s worth a shot.

During dinner/tragic backstory sharing hour, Peter tells a story about breaking up with girlfriend and feeling very guilty because she was sad about it. It’s not exactly the harrowing tale that the previews were suggesting. Hopefully he’ll be able to get over the unique pain of once breaking up with someone and learn to love again!

(Also at one point he just forgot where he was)

Back at the house, the guys are all “do you think Peter and Rachel are having fun!??!” Right on cue, Rachel’s date card arrives!

It occurs to me that I’m weirded out by Adam and Matt’s voices because I’VE BARELY HEARD THEM ALL SEASON. How did they make it this far?!?! Don’t even get me STARTED on Alex (because I’ve literally already been talking about him all episode and he’s not even in it).

(Never forget)

Back at the date, Peter is bestowed the date rose. We are bestowed his handsome face. They celebrate by making out for a hundred hours.

This sets the stage for the next day’s date with THREE DUDES and ONE ROSE. And, according to previews, lots and lots of crying.

Let’s take a moment to discuss how 2 of these 3 dudes are discussing bringing Rachel home to meet their families when they haven’t even kissed her (that I’ve seen). Maybe they do have a relationship that we just didn’t see? Could that have been shown possibly instead of all the awful racist drama that stretched out over several episodes?!?! Just a thought.

Adam, inexplicably, says his relationship with Rachel is the strongest in the house. Does he think women show affection by withholding attention and kissing other men?

This date, which no one is looking forward to, has them boating off to France! Is this safe?

Is THIS safe?

Rachel takes Eric aside, because it’s obvious to the world that she has more of a relationship with him then the guys she’s never been on a real date with. How weird is that! They chat about something, I’m sure. What do you think Adam and Matt are talking about while this is going on? All the stuff they did when they weren’t going on dates? They must have lived a thousand lifetimes while not getting to know Rachel.

I feel like Eric is much more pleasant now that he’s not having to deal with guys talking shit about him constantly. I like this Eric!

Later, Matt talks to Rachel about.....something else. Truly, it’s tough to recap people talking vaguely about *feelings* that MIGHT one day develop. It’s certainly a thrill a minute.

("Remember all those times we didn't have?")

My boyfriend asks if I like Matt. And I have no idea! This is the most I’ve met him! My journey with him is just starting (and likely just about to end, sorry Matt).

Suddenly, Rachel is crying because she’s letting Matt go. Bye Matt!

At least he’s still got his glass of champagne to keep him company in the limo.

(This is super relatable)

I’m not exactly sure what’s happening and why she’s SO emotional, tbh. Did we miss a significant relationship between her and Matt that they just didn’t film? Because from where I’m sitting, she’s saying goodbye to someone she spoke to for about 7 minutes and it’s just *devastating* her.

Matt gives a very classy goodbye, saying he just hopes Rachel finds what she’s looking for. It turns out that the best way to leave a good impression on this show is to leave! #catch22

Every time Rachel appears on this date, Adam says “there she is.” Fun fact: I find it disgusting any time anyone on this show does that (and believe me.....it happens all the time)! Next time you are hanging out with a female person, try saying “there she is” every time she leaves and re-enters a room. Then take a scalding hot shower, because you WILL feel disgusted with yourself.

If this were the 80s, Adam would definitely be in prison for insider trading or cocaine possession. Tell me I’m wrong!

(I'm not)

Once he and Rachel are alone, Adam basically demands to know if he is headed to Pound Town soon (via Hometown Visits Express). Listen. I refuse to use up any emotional energy on this guy. Why should I? He hasn’t been a presence on this entire season, he somehow eclipsed my dear Alex, and will almost certainly be going home during this episode. Also he once pointed to himself with his thumbs like this:

(Monster)

Back at the house! Peter expresses that he feels bad for the guys on the triple date. He also thinks Adam is coming back from the date. Beautiful, simple Peter.

Back at the date! Rachel is reunited with Eric. Her body language is SO much more into Eric. I mean look at this:

(The visual representation of "into it")

Eric lets it drop that he has never brought a girl home. Dude is 29! Eric also talks about his difficult past of growing up in Baltimore, and it occurs to me: has any guy gotten this far who wasn’t from a rich family? All of JoJo’s indistinguishable final four men seemed to be well-to-do.

I have to hand it to Rachel! She does a good job of acting like this is going to be a tough decision. We even get a commercial break to REALLY BUILD DRAMATIC TENSION. I drink a glass of water.

This is awkward.

(Awkward)

Rachel announces: “I have one rose to hand out, and it’s huge.” It’s not THAT big, Rachel.

(LOL, good joke!)

Rachel says that the only thing she can do is go with her gut, and SHOCKINGLY picks Eric, the guy she’s been on more dates with and has made out with more and is more into physically and emotionally. I’m left reeling.

Bye Adam!

“He seems like an undercover douchebag.” My boyfriend says of Adam. I’m not precisely sure what that means, but it feels extremely accurate.

Adam and Rachel share a tearful goodbye. America shrugs.

In the goodbye limo, Adam promises that Rachel made a “huge mistake. A massive mistake.” Gross, dude! How does it feel to have an opinion shared by no one else in the world? You must feel pretty unique!

(I actually tried to get a pic where he didn't look wasted. This was the best shot)

Rachel realizes things are only going to get harder. She’s all “can I please just have the rest of the dudes?” ABC Executives respond: "Just leave us one for the next Bachelor!"

On next week’s episode! Lots of kissing. I mean LOTS!

(Lots of kissing and laughing, laughing and kissing)

This episode’s outro is Rachel and Peter on a dog sled, and we as an audience are left wondering where Rachel’s dog COPPER HAS BEEN ALL THIS SEASON! I was practically promised an adorable dog vignette every episode, and instead was delivered an Adam Jr. gag which never really took off, and an Adam Sr. who also never really took off. Hopefully the producers get my notes and deliver more COPPER during the final stretch.