CVT-equipped WRX triggers mass suicides

The 2015 WRX and its lame-ass transmission, yesterday

The announcement that the upcoming 2015 Subaru WRX will feature a CVT transmission has caused waves of despair to wash over Subaru fans, with at least a dozen and a half suicides blamed on the car’s use of the Sport Lineartronic CVT.

“A WRX with a CVT is like porn without sex,” read the suicide note of Rex Fanboi of Fap Rock, Massachusetts, whose lifeless body was found behind the wheel of his 2009 WRX modded with a Maganflow exhaust, a totally epic wing, and tires he once described as having “enough grip to rip the panties off your grandma’s ass”.

“I suppose I can live without a hatchback,” Fanboi’s letter continued, “but a lame-ass CVT is just too much to bear.”

Sue Barugirl, a WRX owner from Christcake, Oregon, lamented the use of the belt-and-pulley transmission in a forum post shortly after the WRX was revealed at last month’s Los Angeles Intersuburban Auto Show.

“I can understand the need for an automatic transmission, lame as that may be,” she wrote on Subiesaretheshit.com. “Okay, so no more taunting Evo owners for being lame-ass losers who can’t drive stick. I can live with that. But a CVT?? I don’t care if it has paddle shifters or not, this is the ultimate betrayal.”

Barugirl took her own life three days later. She left a letter to her family and friends that said, “I simply can’t go on living in a world where the best car ever created has such a lame transmission.”

Subaru spokesperson George Costanza expressed surprise and regret at the strong reaction of Subaru fans.

“We know WRX buyers are loyal, and we know they’re fruitcakes,” Costanza told Autoblopnik. “Sure, a few of them wrote us e-mails threatening to off themselves if we came out with an automatic WRX, but fuck me, we never thought they’d actually go through with it.”

Subaru fans continue to lament the use of a CVT, which they refer to as “lame,” and experts are worried that more attempts at self harm will follow.

“We’ve set up a hot line for people who can’t cope with a CVT-equipped WRX,” said Dr. Heidi Sausage, a clinical psychologist who specializes in automotive-related emotional disorders. “Our counsellors will explain that the Subaru’s CVT has both six- and eight-speed emulation modes. If they respond positively, we’ll try to get them talking about the torque-vectoring front axle which reduces the onset of understeer in aggressive cornering.”

Dr. Sausage says her team of counsellors has talked several people out of doing harm to themselves, but at least three of the CVT-related suicides were hotline callers.

“It’s an uphill battle,” Dr. Sausage told Autoblopnik. “And I understand where they are coming from. Let’s face it, a WRX with a CVT is, after all, pretty fucking lame.”