When it comes to the personal rights and freedom of individuals, no one has your back quite like your friendly neighborhood multi-billionaire telecommunications conglomerate Comcast. Having won the title of “The Worst Company in America” in 2014, this humble and modest $80.4 billion broadcasting and cable TV company always works hard to provide high-quality services at reasonably low prices. And the numbers don’t lie: in a 2016 survey of 10,000 customers, Comcast scored an amazing 37 percent in customer satisfaction, right behind AT&T, Time Warner Cable, Verizon and essentially all the other TV service providers featured in the survey.

But don’t let its amazing reputation fool you— at its very heart, Comcast prides itself on being a simple family business guided by simple family values like humility, patriotism and extreme nepotism only seen in tyrannical despots. However, even a beacon of integrity like Comcast can face a little trouble here and there sometimes. For instance, ever since the FCC chairman and Verizon’s loyal lapdog Ajit Pai announced his plans to dismantle the government regulations surrounding net neutrality, Comcast has experienced a bit of a hiring shortage, specifically in its PR division.

“It’s a bit of a mystery to us, actually,” stated David L. Cohen, Comcast’s Senior Executive Vice President and Chief Diversity Officer. “All we want are employees who are willing to say that Comcast will not block, throttle or discriminate against lawful content even when net neutrality is gone. It shouldn’t be that hard to do, right? But for some reason, all our applicants have declined our offer, saying that they’d rather not ‘sell their soul,’ whatever that means.”

Indeed, it is a mystery that perplexes even the top executives of the company. After all, what could America’s largest home Internet service provider possibly gain from getting rid of rules that prohibit them from raising prices or slowing down online content that it doesn’t like? That’d be like saying Russia had something to gain from electing Donald Trump as president. Now that’s just silly.

Needless to say, the lack of applicants who are willing to spit in the face of the American public has caused quite a dilemma for our favorite megacorporation. In the past, Comcast’s PR division was able to rely on Dan Herscovici, the company’s ace Twitter diplomat and self-proclaimed “intrapreneur,” to divert people’s anger toward something else.

“Dan has been our MVP for a long time. Whenever we write a Twitter post about how Comcast supports net neutrality, we’re always bombarded with accusations about how we’re a bunch of liars, accompanied by data tables, records of the company’s past actions and other factually sound evidence that paints us in a really bad light. Admittedly, it’s a little aggravating to see just how self-aware and well researched some people turn out to be. Luckily, Dan’s strategy is to copy and paste the same response over and over again in the comments until people become too tired to argue any further, and it always works!” exclaimed Comcast’s Chief Communications Offi- cer D’Arcy Rudnay.

Herscovici, humble as ever, brushed aside the compliment with refreshing modesty. He stated, “It’s not that big of a deal. All I do is write ‘We support net neutrality. Title II is not net neutrality. Read more about our long-standing commitment to net neutrality on our website. Have a nice day!’ as my go-to response. My personal philosophy is that you have to overcome your enemies with kindness and compassion instead of brute force or logic. Here at Comcast, we care about our customers’ well-being, as long as they don’t pose a financial threat to us.”

However, due to the FCC director’s recent announcement and the wave of backlash that immediately followed, even Dan couldn’t keep up the Orwellian doublespeak by himself. Which is why Comcast is so shocked that no one wants to work for such a great company. It truly defies all logic, sort of like the company’s own mental gymnastics.

“It’s sad to say that our hiring process hasn’t been going very smoothly lately. Just the other day, one applicant splashed holy water in our faces in an attempt to drive out Satan. As you can see, we’re in a bit of a crisis at the moment,” confessed Cohen anxiously.

At the moment, Comcast’s PR division managed to temporarily hold back the pitchforks and torches by posting daily about how much they value America’s veterans, hoping that hiding behind actual American patriots would not only make them look more patriotic by association but also buy them some more time. But it seems Comcast has to truly think outside the box to survive this sticky situation. As a result, the top executives decided that they would have to broaden the applicant pool drastically.

“Given our current situation, we would like to personally reach out to an often overlooked minority group: pathological liars and felons. To all those who look up to people like Bernie Madoff and Martin Shkreli, Comcast needs respectable and morally bankrupt individuals like you. We need true Americans who can lie their way to success and feel no guilt about it whatsoever. If you are devoid of all human decency and are willing to sell out this great nation for personal profit, then we can assure that you’ll feel right at home in our company,” proclaimed Rudnay.

Truly, this is an inspiring moment to behold. But even if you have a soul, there is still a way for you to do the right thing and join its noble cause. As Comcast CEO David Watson insisted with an innocent smile, “We need everyday Americans to stand up and fight against net neutrality and all the people who want to protect your freedom. Let them know that Internet access should not be a basic human right and that the Internet is perfectly safe in the hands of big corporations like us. And whatever you do, please don’t call your senator or representative in Congress. They’re very busy people, and it’s rude to inconvenience them. In fact, don’t do anything and just let us handle everything. Just keep believing that nothing you do will change anything and before you know it, you’ll be completely under our loving, 100 percent customer satisfaction care in no time.”

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