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Thursday, October 21, 2010

I had a wonderful birthday. My mom and dad came over with gifts and cupcakes. My cute niece sang to me and then Eric came home early. We went out to eat...I ate entirely way too much and refuse to weigh myself...ha. Then we went and bought myself a new EVO. I LOOOOOVVVVEEEEEE it! I'm so spoiled. I have been trying to figure out the apps and all the gadgets on it. My old phone was stone age and royally sucked.

Today is my wedding anniversary. I love my hubby more than life itself and am madly deeply head over heels for him. We can't celebrate it today because Spen has cub scouts tonight and it getting some awards at the meeting. We are going out this Sunday to the theater. I'm excited. We are going to see http://www.actorstheatre.org/play_irmavep.htm

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I just set up my studio for Cedric's b-day invite pics. I'm soooo behind. His party is the 30th. I've am so behind on things it's driving me nuts. But it looks cute! I HATE messing with fake cobwebs. It's annoying and they stick to you and I can never get them to do what I want. grrrr....

Eric is taking me to a play for our anniversary. I'm super excited. I haven't been to the theater in over a year :( Maybe two. I LOVE IT!!! Secretly, I've always wanted to be an actor. Ho hummmm...fallen dreams.

My doctor called with my blood work results...and my thyroid is off. I'm so happy...I'm not nuts. I have had zero energy. Yesterday I crashed so hard. It was one of those naps you wake up freaked out not knowing how long you slept and what time of day it is. Well, they upped my meds. Hopefully, I will have energy again and not have to work like a slave to maintain or lose weight.

I bought a new kitchen table. New to me, old to someone else. I got it at unique thrift store. I paid around $40 bucks for it. It's super traditional. I plan on painting it black and then adding modern chairs to it. In my head it will look awesome...now in reality...that may be another story. We shall see.

I have two more photo shoots this month. I'm excited for them.

I went on a Ghost run this weekend. I had a blast! It sucked my group had to split up into two car loads because we all couldn't fit in one car. Also, my camera screwed up and corrupted my pics so no pics of the night. Boo! Oh well, it was fun nonetheless. I was fun going out with friends and going to haunted houses. Eric laughed at how freaked out I was. I DO NOT LIKE MASKED PEOPLE IN MY FACE! Period.

I went to my 10 year high school reunion. It was nice. A lot more people showed up than I thought. Eric had a good time with Joe and I got to see some old friends.

I can't believe I am well on my way to 30. It's kinda nuts just thinking about it. I'm am really in love with my life right now. I thank God for that!!! So maybe the big 30 won't be so bad.

Friday, October 15, 2010

I'm about done with my book. I joined a book and wine club and yes the meeting is tonight to discuss the book Freedom. I am a few pages shy of being finished. That was a good read, but it was kinda unnerving. But unnerving in a good way. It made me appreciate my husband, and reminded me of my past a lot. In the book the main character is always searching to fill a void within herself. As all the other characters are doing the same. It isn't until all that is wrong do they realize that what they were searching for was right beneath their noses the whole time. I know how cliche. But it's often times the truth. The quiet girl is over looked for the blond bimbo or the shy guy is overlooked for the rocker egotistical guy. It happens. It's life. I cried last night reading about the failed marriage. I was taken back to my first marriage and how horrific the emotions of a divorce can be. I had entered that marriage for wrong reasons. On false pretenses and ideas. I was trying to escape my life and trying to enter into a life that didn't exist. I was young and dumb. I was promised so many lies, in my youth I believed. I swallowed the happy pill of a neurotic abuser and I believed him in his promises. I had warning signs all along my courtship with him, and yet I was blind to them. Maybe desperation of a new beginning made me not see them. But looking back I now wince at what I then overlooked. The day of my wedding I had a panic attack and didn't want to go through with it. He talked me into it. I should have ran....ran away from everything and found myself. But instead I listened to him and that night entering into my new house after the wedding I knew I had made a grave poor choice in not running. My stomach felt it and I swallowed the truth and pretended not to know. It wasn't within a few days that abuse started. I will never forget him yanking the plug from the computer telling me to never talk to an old friend because of his response to my marrying. My old friend was shocked and warned me of my new husband. He told me to be careful and that he had a "shady" past. I wept as he yelled over me as I sat on the floor. Like most abusers he was prince charming the next day or hour. He was nice and he was kind again. I will never forget me sitting there, knowing in my heart I should just leave, but I didn't want to admit failure or that I was wrong in my youthful dumb decision to wed. Anyway, two weeks later I was pregnant and trapped. The life of a dumb little girl. I LOVE my son more than life itself and it was he who saved me. He gave me the strength to get away. He gave me the strength to find myself again. He pushed me in his childhood innocence to go back to school and find a better life for us. Well, the jest of this whole pointless paragraph was I knew what the characters were going through. I knew both sides of the pain, and it's a gut wrenching pain when you realize your marriage is over and that the person you married was not who you thought they were. How all your hopes and aspirations change when you are no longer married. Divorces are just sad. It's a huge failure. Things were so different when I met Eric. I had gone to school, had a good paying job and was making my way with my son in the world. I really did not want a serious relationship. I had just ended things with another person because I did not want any attachments other than my son. He was my world. All that changed with one phone call. A once close friend called me and told me of my new Friday plans. She was playing match maker and I was to meet Eric. He too had been married and going through a divorce and she thought we would hit it off. Little did we both know how truly right she was. From our first unofficial date we have been inseparable. I fell in love with him instantly. He respected me and respected my safety wall I had constructed over the years. He was able to go around something I had worked so hard to construct. Reading about the characters and their decisions to marry, made me think of mine. When I married Eric it was different. It was a joyous occasion. I had no reservations about it. It's funny we had a small intimate ceremony, went home changed, ate Chinese food and then went to the movies. It was so natural. I cried at my wedding with him, tears of joy. I loved him so much and felt so safe in his arms. I had already found myself and knew who I was by the time he asked me to marry him. So when I said yes, I was saying yes as a strong woman, not a meek little girl. My two marriages...as bizarre as it is to write the fact that I have been married twice at the ripe old age of just 28 have been polar opposites. Eric and I have talked about wishing we had met sooner and both circumvented the pain we felt from our first failed marriages, but then we both agree that makes us who we are today. We both know we wouldn't be who we are if we hadn't felt that pain. Next week on the 21st will be my anniversary. It's funny because in our household that's a day we celebrate as a family. We officially became a family that day. For our honeymoon we all went to Disney World. So each year we celebrate as a family. I love my husband more than life itself. Reading that book, just brought up some bad memories, and made me even more appreciative of the relationship I have with Eric. My ex is still an abusive man. I have no doubt. His past girlfriends have told me such stories. I feel sorry for him in one hand but in another hate how he is. I will leave it at that. Nonetheless, divorce is just a sad topic. I can't wait for Eric to get home and hug him.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

I hate having to write out all my information...including history, insurance and meds. I'm a freak of nature and have a lot of things wrong with me...so it's annoying having to explain everything to a new doctor. I have to go to an endocrinologist today. I hear she is really sweet. So that's a plus. My thyroid is wacky and I want to get it straightened out.

Ok...I went looking for some birthday clothes last night. Actually, this past week I have been shopping in search of some new clothes and a purse. I went to almost EVERY store two malls had to offer with no luck.Well, I went into a store in the mall and found some cute stuff on sale. Double plus. Only draw back was the sales girls. Holy hell, they were on me like white on rice. I'm not sure if they work on commission or what. But they were bringing things out from the back that wasn't on display until next week. It was funny...it was such a pretty woman moment. My dressing room was piled high with clothes for me to try on. They kept trying to get me to buy this one shirt. It was bright red. I like monochromatic clothing...I know how exciting? But I like for my accessories to be the focal point...not a bright red shirt. Also, I knew the likelyhood of me wearing said shirt more than once would be slim...so I decided on a scoop neck grayish brown number. I did score a pair of skinny jeans too. I found a cute purse and matching wallet on sale! So needless to say...I had a very happy shopping adventure. I've lost all my baby weight and am trying to slim down some more. I'm just a few pounds shy of my goal weight. Hopefully, the doctor can give me some advice today with my thyroid.

I can't believe I will be 29. OUCH! I told Eric not to worry about gifts this year. I got my new camera lens and a bunch of new clothes. So I took care of my gifts. Ha. I have no idea what we will do for our anniversary.We got married the day after my birthday. I love my husband more than life itself. I know I'm always bragging about him...and I know it's probably very nauseating. But my hubby is truly the greatest guy. Eric has this very special way of loving a person. He loves you unconditionally. When he looks into your eyes, you know he truly loves you. I have dated numerous guys and kissed my share of toads. Ha. But Eric is different. He doesn't have anything to prove, he's comfortable with himself and therefore makes you comfortable with yourself. He is the best supporter. We have had our share of sadness. But he has been there holding my hand through it all. I'll never forget the day I miscarried. I was weeping at the doctors office and he was there wiping my tears away. He was hurting just as bad, but he was so strong for me. When we tried for 2.5 years to conceive and never once did I feel pressure from him. He told me he was happy with Spencer. I had given him a son already. He loves that boy more than life itself. Never once has he looked at him like a step son. He is his son. He adores that boy and spoils him rotten. He lives for our children. He respects our children and I respect him even more so for doing so. He is kind and gentle. He has taken care of me in my most depressing hours or weak moments. He has lifted me up and supported me. Last year when Cedric was in the hospital he stepped up and took on all the responsibility. I was so tired from delivery and recuperating. He was there taking care of Cedric and asking questions. Each day I fall more and more in love with this man. He's one of a kind. I want to do something special for our anniversary. He's a special guy and deserves something as wonderful as he is. I have an idea of something...but that will be my secret...because he sometimes wonders onto this blog. Ok...gag already I know....I'll stop with the mushy feeling stuff.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I had a photo shoot today. The couple was super sweet and nice. I love working with nice clients. I need to edit pics.

I'm excited I figured out what I'm going to do on Cedric's real birthday. His party is on Saturday, but real birthday is on Thursday. So we are going to take him to Art Sparks. They have a fun toddler baby room there. I know he will LOVE it. I'm a weirdo and you have to do something on the kids actual birthday too. It's a special day...a celebration of life.

Ok...design concepts. I love modern. But my house is traditional. It screams traditional....so I can't go super modern with how the layout is currently. I don't live in a loft so I won't pretend that I do...so I'm trying to work with the current elements and yet somehow make it more modern. The two worlds shall meet...hopefully blissfully in my house. I made it work in my formal living room. I have an idea for my kitchen. I scratched the wall color because no matter what shade of blue I chose...it screamed country blue to me. It was probably only in my head, but once I shared my thoughts with Eric said he saw it too.( I bought paint colors and tried them out and each one looked off) So I chose a weird brown/gray/green color. I swear it changes as the day goes on. I have the same color in my family room. So here are my ideas.... I want a traditional kitchen table with modern chairs and I have become obsessed with family silhouettes. I plan on making my families and putting them on the big wall in my kitchen. I'm so excited. Below are my inspirations.

This is one of the frames from lovely IKEA I will be buying to house Eric and my silhouettes.

I adore these and have to somehow recreate them for my family.

I'm in love with these chairs...and found a place that sells them CHEAP!

I like mixing it up...traditional and modern....

I love this look. and chairs...but I could just see the kids tipping them over :( I know what I like isn't earth shattering or a "new" concept...but I'm just happy I've finally decided on a theme and am moving with it. I want a black traditional table. I'm thinking realistically. Black will hide a lot of things and I originally had wanted a glass table but with kids I'm not sure how safe that would be....esp...since Cedric is a VERY active baby...what will he be like as a toddler??? Also spen trips all the time...so I could just see him falling into it...not a good vision. I want to have a safe happy house that I can let him run freely in. I read reviews on the chairs I want and they say they are great for kids and they clean up easily...always a plus in my book :)

This is the chandelier we bought. It's kinda going with the theme of traditional but yet modern.... Hopefully, the kitchen turns out, but no matter how bad it looks it will always look better than the original wallpaper :)

Friday, October 8, 2010

So Eric got home...changed his shirt... packed the rest of the gear he needed and then off he left with Spen for the cub scout camping trip. I only got to see him for a few minutes. He gave me a hug after I picked him up from the airport and it was nice to be back in his arms. I missed him. Spen was super excited about the trip. Eric was nervous about forgetting supplies. I wanted to go but Cedric is still really little and it's going to be cold tonight. I was going to go down for the bonfire, but Eric's flight was late so I decided it wasn't worth the 1 hour drive to turn right back around.

I'm sleepy...I hope the boys are having fun. I want to go hiking and camping...oh well...

I'm going to push Eric to do something that is very outside his comfort zone. I'm going to make him write his screenplay he has already written inside his head. He needs to put it on paper. It's a brilliant story. He's so shy about his creativeness. It's a very creative and interesting concept. Now, who knows if it would ever come of anything. But the process of creating something is the most fun. I think he would love it. He just needs some help and support. He just needs to get started and I bet he would be addicted to writing.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I'm in such a bitchtastic mood today. I swear the world is full of assholes and rude people and just my luck I had to run into most of them today.

Current thoughts:

I hate people...esp rude people.

I love how people driving cannot stop and let a mother pushing a cart and pulling a stroller by in the crosswalk...grrrrrrrr...rude drivers!!!

I hate people who live off the government, are on passport, food stamps and drive new cars and go shopping as if they had a job. They feel entitled to have as many children as they can spit out and not pay one single dime on their upbringing. I understand and fully support a person who needs assistance. My bleeding liberal heart sides with these people. But the people who feel the need to be ghetto fabulous and raise their child off my tax dollar...I am mad at you.

I have to run my son's cub scout meeting tonight and I SWEAR if this one dad say's any smart ass comment I will not hold back. I'm tired of being nice! Be passive aggressive on your own time Mr and leave me the hell alone! He gets under my skin. He is the typical suburbanite to the extreme. Expensive haircut, billboard clothing of any name brand down to his kids socks, and an arrogance that stifles the air around him. He is the essential East End man who is Father knows best in public, but daddy can't lift a finger out of his adoring public's view. So tonight I will not put up with his underhanded "helpful" comments. I plan on letting him know how I feel in a nice tactful way.

Ok, last bitch I promise...if you call me wanting to hire me for services...please please please look up my prices before you call me. Please do not try to low ball me over the phone or make me feel like I should give you a deal...after all you called me I did not waste your time. I hate dealing with money period. But that is the nature of the beast and I will not be a softy anymore. No more freebies or discounts or I'll include a few more images to be nice. I'm too nice and I won't be a push over anymore.

I can't wait for Eric to get home. He's out of town yet again. He did score a bonus which is nice. We plan on using it for xmas this year. I miss him. He'll be home soon enough.

I'm so sleepy...I'm tempted to take a nap. Hopefully, I'll get rid of this bad mood.

Monday, October 4, 2010

I love getting my craft on! I haven't crafted in forever. I think I might start crocheting. We shall see how that fairs. I SUCK at crocheting, but maybe just maybe I can get it. My friend sent me some cute patterns I really want to try.

I bought some skeleton pj's for Cedric to wear for his birthday party invites. I still have to take the picture and make the invites...hell, I still have to decide upon a guest list. I'm not sure if I want it to be big or a low key affair. That's something I need to figure out.

I love my new sweater. I picked it up from target today I saw a few more cute v-necks I need to get as well. Slowly I want to revamp my closet selection. I hate being a savvy shopper sometimes. I bought the boys new winter coats today as well. They had the cutest pea coat for Cedric, but it was too thin and once I really thought about it, milk on black...no. I also need to buy another cart seat cover. Mine has disappeared :( I spent over $40 on it. I don't know if I left it somewhere or it fell out of the back when I got the stroller out. I have searched high and low for it. I need a new one asap.

I really should be reading...my book club is going to meet and discuss Freedom...aka...the thick read like next week or so. I forgot the date. I like the book so far. I tried reading on the treadmill. I got through a chapter without falling. I consider that astounding.

current thoughts...

My head hurts...I love this season....but my sinus cavity does not. Meds should remedy this tonight. Hopefully, anyway.
I want to do a craft with Spen tomorrow. He's out of school so off to the craft store we will go.
My house needs a maid. I quit.

I'm disturbed by some information that was told to me.
Some chicks will never learn. How a guy was to his ex and (ex's)...is how he will be with you. Take a look around at your life and see the whole picture. Control, jealously, and excuses? They are Cary Grant in the beginning, and soon he fades away.

Why do rednecks always multiply? I don't get it...you blink and the one child has now turned into three?

My hands are cold.

I don't get how people can change out families like they are merely changing their shoes.

A small victory has occurred today that the rest of the world will not know about... all my house phones have been found!!! I have three. All but one was lost. Eric told me to page them...lovely idea...if they were charged. Dead phones don't ring. So I became determined to find all phones today and succeeded. I totally grasp this is a dumb victory. But do you know how annoying it is to be in the basement, here the phone ring and have to run two sets of stairs to answer a telemarketer? Of the ones of you who do, then you must feel my joy.

It's funny how different both my boys are. I love them both dearly. But they are like night and day. Ceddy has a temper and a rebellious streak. It's in his actions, and his eyes. He is not afraid of anything. He falls, he gets back up. He is adventurous. I know he's only 11 months, but he's just so different than Spen was. Spen was my shadow. He clung to me. He was gentle and scared of everything. I know Ceddy will cause my gray hairs...ha! It's funny to watch the two of them playing. I think it's a perfect combination. Cedric will push Spen to be more adventurous when they get older and spen will be the stable big brother able to pull him back to reality. They love to play already together on the floor. It was funny the other day Cedric fell and cried. Spen got scared and started crying. Cedric stopped crying. Studied Spen, and then started crying because Spen was crying not because he fell. He had already gotten over that. Spen is such an awesome kid. He's so gentle and smart. He keeps me on my toes though. How his biological father is such an idiot is beyond me. It amazes me how I was ever in a relationship with that man? I claim I was too young and dumb to see the warning signs. But I jumped ship soon enough. He's the most selfish, mentally unstable person I know. Sadly, Spen sees it too. He comes home revealing more and more of how selfish and immature he is with each visit. That's another story, and one I really have no intention on speaking to the world about.

**** I wrote all of the above last night****
New update...today feels like a Beatles kind of day. Cup of coffee and a big sweater. To get lost amid pages of my book and have my ears listening to great music.

I woke in a great mood. Now to fix myself some coffee, and shower. Off to the craft store and then see how the day unfolds.

I had an epiphany last night...my eyes were opened to some things. I saw something in myself that was ugly and I'm not that type of person. I wrote a private journal entry by hand about it. Haven't done that in years. It felt good to get my feelings out and to scribe it out by pen. A new sense has come over me. No longer will I be that person. I don't want to be like that anymore. I have too many wonderful blessings and happiness in my life. I'm also not a negative person or mean spirited. No longer will youthful insecurity riddle me with the nonessential fact of it's existence. I'm not playing the game anymore. Most of you guys have no idea what the hell I'm talking about...but maybe a few do? I just want to be happy and remain happy. Finding happiness in someone else's short comings is not the way I choice to live. Everyone's journey is different. Our paths lead us to different experiences and different outcomes. Nonetheless we learn from our path, but we aren't the path itself. We are living breathing human beings capable of much more then our poor choices. So when someone stumbles that doesn't make them their mistake but rather human. I've made my fair share of mistakes...and my knowledge to me is worth more than gold. But that's life...so in all this long drawn out boring banter....I simply choose to be nice and truly nice...not merely for the sake of being nice.

Friday, October 1, 2010

I shoot freelance for the local paper and I just missed a phone call asking me to shoot this weekend :( I called back within a few minutes after the missed call, but he already gave the assignment away. I was upstairs getting ready to workout...and my cell was downstairs. Oh well, I'll get to hang out with Eric and the boys this weekend. Although, extra money is always nice. It is what it is, that's life.... I need to really start carrying my phone on me at all times. I missed a call from Airways Magazine photo shoot one time. I about cried over that one. Off to workout.