Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Please Don't Tell Melanie

I'm in love. I didn't plan it, it just happened. I was at a beautiful Japanese spa in Santa Fe called Ten Thousand Waves and decided to get a private soaking room before my massage. When I walked into the room, there she was. Small, with delicate porcelain features. Her name was Toto. She was a toilet but not just any toilet. To be honest, up until now, my relationships with toilets have been pretty one dimensional. You know what I mean. But this was different. Toto seemed to know what I wanted, sometimes before I even knew I wanted it. Sure, she did all the obvious stuff, the things you expect but there was so much more. Push one button and her lid went up and down. Push a button for a big flush, push another for a small flush. And that's when things really started to get interesting. Push the right button and Toto would also shoot a spray of warm water... well...I'm not one to kiss and tell. Sometimes the warm water would oscillate, sometimes it would pulse. I never knew and, frankly, I didn't care. At this point I was too far gone. And when it was all over, Toto would blow dry everything. She even had a tiny built-in sink that would come on automatically. What love, what consideration, what ecstasy. Isn't that what a relationship is all about.