Monday, November 30, 2009

Ewww. I have my period. I didn't use to get it... That means i'm too friggin' fat and i've gotta peel off A LOT of this weight! Unfortunately my period turns me into a raging binge-beast, but i'm not gonna let that stop me. The plan is to fast today, and it's a perfect plan because no one's home all day. It's the first day of deer-hunting season and in my family that's better than Christmas. I'm the only one who doesn't hunt, so i've got the house to myself. I'm making it into a spa day: bubble bath, facial, manicure, pedicure, Celtic music, candles, lounging around the house in a fuzzy robe with cucumbers on my eyes. :) I haven't done a spa day in sooo long and my nails are hideous, so with all of those activities to keep me busy until i go to work i should be able to totally ignore food.On top of that i'm not coming home tonight; i'm spending it with "Shaun." (It's fantastic that he knows we're not gonna have sex, but he still wants to spend the night with me.) I know he's not going to make me eat if i don't want to, so that means no late night binges cuz you know there's no way i'm gonna go out and raid his fridge. It also means i might be able to fast at least halfway through tomorrow, maybe all day tomorrow. I don't know; i'm still working at a plan for tomorrow's fast. I'm rather happy and optimistic. Wish me luck, all you lovely skinny people. I LOVE YOU!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

I wandered out to the kitchen, fully intent on binging. "I just want to eat something," i muttered to myself. I crossed the carpeting of the living room and stepped onto the white linoleum tiling of the kitchen floor, staring at my feet, but when i looked up, Ana was there."Oh, no you don't," she said almost gently. "Get back in the room, you've already had your breakfast, and you certainly don't need more."I sighed, but didn't argue. She was absolutely right. After what i'd seen in the mirror last night, i was sure i could go for days upon days without food and still be entirely too fat. I obediently turned myself around and went back into the room, focusing on the fact that the tops of my thighs rubbed each other when i walked and ignoring the intense craving that was by no means hunger. "What i really need is to be hungry," i told myself. "I don't need food; hunger is my food.""Now you're talking." Ana put her twiggy arm around my shoulders. "Keep that in your mind, and you'll be beautiful in no time. In fact," she whispered, "You should stay out of the kitchen for the rest of the day and not eat anything else, maybe even the rest of the week.""No, Ana, my mom will freak if i do that.""Lame excuse, Jo. No one can make you do anything. You're 18; they can't put you in a clinic without your consent."She was right, but "I don't know if i can hurt her like that."Ana rolled her eyes. "Oh stop it; forget the week thing. Just avoid the kitchen at all costs as often as you can, ok?"I nodded. "That i can do."

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Hate-mailers: You're not going to stop me; you're not going to hurt me, so just stop.I know i'm not thin. I never claimed to be. I know i'm not beautiful. I never claimed to be. I know i'm not anorexic. I never claimed to be. I'm EDNOS; yes, i binge sometimes; yes, i fail a lot. But i also do have issues with food. I've had amazing fast days, and amazing success. I'm in a slump right now, yes, but i'm going to get out of it. I'm going to fix myself, and i am going to be thin. If you don't like my blog, don't read it, rather than posting comment after stupid, catty, annoying comment. I've got people who do appreciate what i do on here, so i'm not going to let those of you who don't bother me. You might as well stop trying.Basically what i'm trying to say, in a nice and eloquent manner, is fuck off.I leave you with this line from the all-amazing Fall Out Boy: "I don't care what you think as long as it's about me; the best of us can find happiness in misery."

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving... and i'm going to my gram's house. My parent's are ok-ish with my weird eating, but my gram is NOT. She'll stuff sooo much food down my throat, especially tomorrow... Everyone else in the world is so excited for this big holiday, and yet, i'm afraid of it. I don't want it to happen. Oh shit, what am i gonna do? I'm seriously having a panic attack over it. There's no way i'm gonna be able to avoid gravy... or stuffing... UGH! How am i gonna do this?! I can't... I've been good for two days, and now i'm forced to ruin it. Oh, dear Ana, what am i to do? Crap, i'm crying and i haven't even eaten anything yet. What the hell is wrong with me? Does anyone know how i can avoid all that food?

Eww.. Today's results day... I gotta admit it's been totally fail. I'm definately fatter now. Yesterday was the first day i actually behaved all week, but i still went up to 930 Cals. Can anyone say TOO FREAKIN' MUCH?! I did work out yesterday though, so my thighs and abs are on fire, which is amazing. I swear, i'll be skinny by next results day. Sorry for the yucky pictures, but i gotta put them up. (It's like my punishment.) Please don't even comment on them. I mean i love comments, but not about these pictures... Yeah.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

I watched her from across the room, trying not to look too disgusted. It'd be rude to smack her... She unwrapped a sixth Twix bar and bit into it. "It's like she's possessed by C," i whispered to Ana. "She does this every time i see her. She's just constantly eating junk." Ana was hiding her eyes. "It's disgusting; i can't even watch."Poor girl; we really shouldn't talk about her like that. I'm sure she wasn't all there mentally, but still. FIVE candy bars and two bags of chips! And all in the span of a half hour. She couldn't possibly be anything but reverse thinspo. Even the non-ED people in the room were beginning to look at her strangely. I tried not to stare, but i really couldn't stop myself. "I won't binge anymore, Ana," i promised. "I don't ever want to get that bad." Public binges... I shuddered at the thought.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I think i might have to lay off the diet pills for a while. My heart's been racing for no reason, and whenever i run or do anything like that i get tired really quickly. I know that diet pills are infamous for messing with your heart, so it's kinda freaking me out. I mean really freaking me out, like to the point of writing up a list of my last wishes and putting it somewhere where it could be easily found if i don't live. I'm not afraid to die, really, i'm just afraid of leaving the people i love behind, especially you all. Also, if i'm gonna die because of my ED, i want to at least be skinny. Seriously, if i'm going to be a corpse, and people are gonna look at me lying in the casket at my viewing, i want them to think "oh wow, she does look really thin. Why didn't we notice before?" I totally don't want them to notice before because there's no way in hell that i want to go into recovery, but yeah... Anyway, oppinnions? Do you all think i should ditch the pills or just stick with them. Cuz really, who knows if it's them or just stress or something...

Thursday, November 19, 2009

"Ew. What're these little bumpy things on my arms?" i wondered out loud."They're food bumps; it's what happens when you eat food." Who knew that Ana was standing right there listening to me?"Fuck you," i shot back. "I didn't have a choice. Mom made me eat that big-ass dinner. It's not my fault.""Oh and i suppose she force-fed you the cookies too.""She did tell me to make them...." i argued."Whatever, Jo. No one made you eat gravy on your chicken and potatoes, and certainly no one made you eat all that cookie dough and those two cookies.""C did," i said lamely.Ana sighed. "As if you couldn't just tell her to go away.""It's this house! Every time i'm here i binge." I was really grasping for some way to justify my evil mistakes."Yeah whatever."How was i supposed to have a comeback to that? "I'm sorry, Ana," i muttered."You really ought to be.""What do you want me to do?""Oh gee, i don't know," she said with bitterness tainting her melodic voice. "Maybe you could actually stick to a plan for once?!""I'll restart ABC," i offered."Yeah, and that'll last an entire day at the most. Seriously, Jo, you're pathetic.""No, i'll really do it. I swear.""And if you don't?"I searched my mind for something, but came up empty. Cutting would be a reward, not a punishment. It was the only thing i'd ever threatened myself with before. "I... I don't know..." i finally said."See? You'll fail!" And she stomped out of the room.I had to stop upsetting her. I just had to.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

First off, i want to tell you all that you're soooo amazing and encouraging. I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH! You're so supportive of me, even when i'm doing horrible. Thank you doesn't even begin to cover it, but it's all i know to say, so thank you! <3

(ignore my fatty-mc-fat-fat arms)

And secondly, i've decided that Wednesdays will from now on be results days for me. I'll post new pictures of me so you can see how well or how awful i've done. Hopefully that will help to motivate me to do better. Here's the first pictures; hope i don't blind you all with my ewww-ness. I'll so be better by next wednesday.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Her pale feet stepped silently through my door; her icy hands grasped my shoulder, nearly making me cry out. "Shhh," she hissed. "It's only me. But if Ana finds out i'm here again, we're both dead.""No, C..." i whined. "I don't want you here either. I was supposed to restart ABC today; i did so good. I'm way under my Calorie limit. I don't want to go over. I'm already a fat-ass; i don't need to binge and get any fatter.""Oh come now," she said, waving the ultimate binge food in front of me. "It'll be fun. I brought peanut butter."I sighed. I'd been so good all day. I'd resisted getting food at Sheetz when i filled up my car with gas; i'd resisted the damn pumpkin whoopie pies at work; i'd resisted the McDonald's drive through. They'd all tempted me, and i'd been strong. Now i was going to throw it all away for a couple spoonfuls of peanut butter? "No, go away.""Poptarts?""No, go away.""Some veggies?" she mocked."No, go away!""You can't get rid of me that easy," she said. "Just eat something and i'll let you be then. I promise."I snatched the peanut butter jar from her hand and dug in. "Happy now?" i said in a frustrated tone."Nope, keep going."Why did anger make me want to binge my fool head off? But it did. I reached for the poptarts when i'd had my fill of peanut butter. I ate and ate until i thought i'd explode. Only then did C leave me and i fell to my bed and slept in a sea of self-hatred.

Monday, November 16, 2009

"You say you're eating because you're depressed," Ana said. "But have you ever stopped to think that it might be the other way around? You're depressed because you're eating."I sighed. Four days of "normal"-turned-binge eating had put me right where i was, deeply depressed about everything, especially my weight, so i ate to try to fix that, but it wasn't helping anything. It had to stop, right NOW. "What should i do, Ana?"She shoved the bottle of diet pills at me. "Take two of those and then take two more six hours from now like you're supposed to. They can't do anything for you if you're not taking them."I nodded and swallowed two."And restart ABC. You said you could complete it, but you couldn't even complete one week of it. I thought you were going to prove yourself to me. So far all you've proven is that you're weak and useless."I didn't reply, but her words stung like a million angry bees landing directly on my heart. I wanted to be strong; i wanted to be better. I would start over, and this time, i would finish it victoriously.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Oh, you people amaze me. I love you all soooo much! I can't even begin to thank you for your support. And all of those compliments to both me and Shaun! You all are just too sweet. Love love love!And now for the part you've been waiting for: the continuation of my story:

"I feel sick," i complained."That's what happens when you fucking eat everything you see," Ana answered in that disgusted tone i knew far too well.I groaned. "I know. I'm so out of control.""No! You think so?" The sarcasm was evident. "Start ABC over," she commanded."But everyone else thinks i should just continue.""Am i everyone else?"I just shook my head and looked at the floor."You want to be perfect, don't you? How can you expect to be perfect if you ABC isn't perfect?""I don't know," i murmured. "I guess i can't.""Exactly."The sad thing was that i didn't even need to be perfect anymore; i just needed to be closer than i was. I just needed to see some bones. But Ana wanted perfection, and i could not disappoint her.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

So i've massively fucked up my ABC plan. Should i start over? Should i start day 3 again? Should i just count day 3 as fail and move on to day 4? What do you think? I'm leaning toward starting over because i want the whole thing to be perfect...cuz i'm a spaz like that, but i want your advice.

Here's a picture of "Shaun" and me. We take horrid pictures. Lol. And my phone is awful with quality of pictures, but i figured i'd share anyway.

Darkness fell over my little town as i carefully drove home from work, dizziness making me feel high on hunger. "I don't know what i'm going to eat when i get home," i confessed. "I've got 200 Calories left, but i'm in such a bingey mood i'm almost afraid to eat them." I navigated my way past the fast food places and the gas stations with food with a sigh of half-relief, half-disappointment. I so wanted to binge."Then don't eat," Ana said simply."But i'm hungry," i whined, pulling into my driveway."Whatever," Ana said in a frustrated tone. "Eat a half sandwich (110) and an apple (70)."I nodded. "Ok. I can do that." My mind kept spinning around, trying to find a way to fit in something sweet. Nothing was going to work, so i obediently ate what Ana had told me and went to bed.But as i lay there, suffering in insomnia, C came crawling into my room on her chubby little hands and knees. "Pssst, Jo!" she whispered. "You know if you're hungry, you should totally eat. It's what people do!"I ignored her and turned over onto my other side, but she was not willing to be ignored.She flipped the light on, blinding me. "Jo, you can't go on with this little food. You were dizzy earlier, and you couldn't stand up too fast or everything went black. You HAVE to eat!""Go away, C. I already did eat.""Not enough," she protested. "Besides, you'll sleep better if you eat.""Shut up!" i shouted. My phone buzzed on the stand next to me, and i snatched it in a desperate attempt to distract myself from the peanut butter C was shoving at me. It only made matters worse. Matt's name glared up at me from the screen, right above the words "i love you. why do you want to kill me?" I dropped the phone to the floor and reached tearfully for the peanut butter. C was right; i couldn't do it. I needed to eat... and eat... and eat...

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

My stomach gurgled. "Damn," i cursed. "I'd hoped i'd wake up not hungry." My arms throbbed from the workout Ana had pushed them through yesterday. I sighed and stretched them, trying to relieve some of the pain."Good morning, beautiful," Ana said, slipping through my door. "Feeling shitty yet?""Quite.""That's progress, you know?"I smiled and let out a bit of a laugh. "Yes, i suppose it is. I wasn't complaining." I ran my hands over the ribs that were starting to poke through my flesh, then moved down to the hard little points of my hipbones. "I'm starting to get bony," i announced."I know it," Ana replied with a smile. "Keep listening to me as well as you have been and you'll be truly bony in no time." She reached out her arms to me and wrapped me up in them. "I love you, Jo.""I love you too, Ana."

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

"Why are you so jittery?" Shaun asked me as he wrapped his arms around me. "Do i make you nervous or what?""It's the diet pills," Ana answered, but Shaun couldn't hear her. Only i could hear her bitter-sweet voice.I shook my head. "No it's not you... I could tell you, but you'd probably either kill me or think i'm crazy."He waited for a moment, a look of confusion wrinkling his brow. "Continue," he said cautiously.I shook my head again. "No, i don't think i should.""You can't just start out like that and then not tell me. Please?"I hadn't stopped shaking my head. "No.""Why not?" he asked."Because i haven't told anyone, and i barely know you yet.""Look, i'm not gonna do whatever you're afraid of, i promise.""You won't tell anyone even if you think it'd help me if you did?"He frowned, but accepted. "Ok, i won't tell anyone no matter what.""I have an eating disorder..." i started out."Why would you call me that," Ana hissed in my hear. "Why wouldn't you just say that you have me as your friend?""Because then he really would think i'm crazy," i thought, but didn't answer her. "And i've been taking these diet pills," i continued telling Shaun. "You're not supposed to take them with less than 1,000 Calories, but i do, and they make me really shaky."To my surprise he didn't explode into a million reasons why i should stop taking the pills and start eating normally. "What is your ED? I mean, like Anorexia or Bulimia?""Neither, it's EDNOS, but it tends more towards Anorexia.""That's good," Shaun said with a sigh. "I mean, not good, but better." He laughed nervously. "If it makes you feel any better, i used to be Bulimic.""No way," i said in surprise.He nodded. "Yup... So i totally understand what you're going through." He hugged me again. "And don't worry, i'm not going to try to change you, if that's not what you want."Ana wrapped her arms around the both of us. "I like this one," she said with a grin."Me too," i thought, "but i'm still gonna take it a whole lot slower than i did with Matt and Brandon."

Monday, November 9, 2009

"You're not doing enough!" Ana shouted at me. "You've got to do more. This isn't supposed to be effortless; it's supposed to be hard work. You're supposed to obsess over it, count Calories, exercise your ass off. All you do is ignore food.""But i thought that was a good thing.""No! It's not good enough. You've got to prove yourself to me."I shook my head. "I'm so confused. I thought i was doing well. What do you want from me? How am i to prove myself?""Start obsessing, start counting Calories, start exercising 'till you drop. Pick up that old food and exercise journal and fill it in. Restart ABC."I sighed. "Ana, you're insane.""So are you," she laughed. "You want my help don't you?"I nodded."Then you have to do what i ask of you.""Fine," i said, "i'll prove myself."

Sunday, November 8, 2009

I have no idea... I don't really count calories that much anymore. I just eat when i can't find a way to get out of it. So if im sticking to ABC its purely accidental, but i'm not doing badly. I think i'm getting skinnier. I think; i hope; i pray. I'll possibly post a few pictures later on so you can judge for yourself. I'm killing Matt, so he says. I don't mean to. I just really don't think i can handle the emotional pain that being with him would bring me. I wish he'd just hate me. I'm so tired of hurting him, and so tired of hurting myself. I'm exhausted with this life. It's horrid and unfair and there's no easy way out of it. Maybe it'll all be better when i'm skinny.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

"Yesterday taught me something," i told Ana. "Being full is the worst feeling ever, and hunger is the best."She shook her head. "I could have taught you that without the Calories and the binging if you would have just listened to me, but no, you wouldn't want to do that, would you? Now your back at square one; restarting the ABC, pretending you'll actually be able to finish it.""I might be able to," i defended myself. "I could be the first person ever to finish it."She burst into bitter laughter. I looked at my feet as she tried to regain her composure. "Jo, you're hilarious," she gasped. "You talk like you have the control to finish ABC when you can't even get past the first two days. You crack me up.""Shut up, Ana," i muttered. "I'm serious. And it's not that funny."She didn't shut up. "Yes it is," she insisted, wiping tears of laughter from her eyes."Fuck you," i said softly. "I'll prove it to you.""Fine. You do that." A fire leaped into her eyes."I will. Watch me," and i dumped my oatmeal into the trash can.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

"Ugh, i feel like i've been hit by a freight train," i groaned.Ana just laughed. "No you don't. If you felt that bad, you wouldn't want to eat.""I don't want to eat," i lied, but her glare silenced me. "Give me a binge day, Ana.""NO! What the hell do you think that that would help? No. No. And again i'll say it: NO!""Please, i feel like shit.""Shit doesn't eat.""Ana... You know what i mean.""But i don't care," she said in a matter-of-fact tone."I'm too tired to not eat--and i just woke up. I can't go through the whole day this tired.""What, are you weak?""Yes, dammit!"We went on arguing like that for the better part of a half hour, during which time i refused to take my diet pill. "I just want to eat normally for one day," was my reasoning."You don't know how to eat normally. You can only restrict or binge; there is no normal for you," Ana argued. "If i give you your 'normal' day, you'll turn it into a binge day."I sighed. That was why i'd started out asking for a binge day. Now i was willing to budge a bit and make it a day of normal eating instead of a binge. "I'll try really hard not to," i promised. "You can help me.""I'm not helping you with that; you're on your own," Ana told me and stomped out the door, her stomps barely making any noise because she was so tiny... I wanted that, but, alas, the peanut butter jar was calling my name. I sighed and obeyed it's voice, feeling guilty the entire time.

Monday, November 2, 2009

It's been a while since i last posted, but i assure you, it's not because i've been doing badly. I've actually been doing quite well (except i do need to start exercising again). Halloween was a bit of a fail, but i had planned for that as i was hanging with my one friend who knows about my ED and thinks that shoving insane amounts of food down my throat will make me better... Yeah, i don't know where she gets that idea, but whatever. So, i'm back on track. I know i told Marc i'd join his fast, but i just don't think that i can, not with my parents and my friends as watchful as they are. I think i might try ABC again. I'm kind of tired of not having a plan and just going with as few Calories as i can. It's getting boring. Haha. So I'm starting ABC today; anyone with me?

I'll be reading and commenting on all your lovely blogs now. Much love to everyone.

I get a lot of comments telling me that i'm not anorexic. I want to tell you right now that i KNOW i'm not anorexic. Saying that i am pro-ana does not make me anorexic, and i'm well aware of that. My eating disorder is EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). I simply use Ana as my main character because she is the well-known ED i am closest to, and honestly, who's ever heard of a name for EDNOS?I never said that i wanted this. I didn't try to give myself EDNOS. I'd much rather be a normal person, but i'm not, and i can't be. So here's my story. If you don't appreciate it, then i simply ask you to leave.

People I Love

Keira Knightley

She's so beautiful and thin. I want to look like her....

Ana

this picture perfectly captures the essence of Ana and her love for her followers... and how she never lets go.