New Seasons on Williams now offers complimentary bike valet service (with optional cuddling).

BikePortland doesn’t do April Fools jokes. We just don’t. But that doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate them and we’re certainly not above highlight them.

Portland did very well today with bike-themed April Fools pranks. Even a non-bike business got into the act. Check out our roundup below and if you came across other good ones today, feel free to share them in the comments.

Bike Valet Service at New Seasons

New Seasons on Williams Avenue is probably the most bike-accessible grocery store in the entire city. Not only did the management staff go above and beyond to make sure there’s quality bike parking and even lockers inside the store specifically for bike gear, the store also happens to be located on Williams Avenue, the highest-traffic bike thoroughfare in Portland. That why we couldn’t help but smile when we heard they launched a bike valet service today.

Bicyclists frustrated with the time-intensive process of securing a spot and the constant game of tetris to secure the lock in a crowded bike corral can breathe a sigh of relief,” reads the copy on their website. “Now, you can drop off your wheels with our friendly attendant in exchange for a numbered ticket—and a coupon good for one free stem of dehydrated, then rehydrated kale, enjoyable at your leisure.” Not only with they park your bike but it’ll get a wash and polish with recycled rainwater and a lube job using “second-generation, gluten-free coconut oil.” Whether you roll up with a unicycle, tricycle, tandem or tall-bike, New Seasons guarantees “judgment free” and expert service.

Waterproof Breathable diapers from Showers Pass

Portland-based apparel company Showers Pass had a massive success with their waterproof socks and jackets so now they’re tackling the most demanding product category in the market: waterproof diapers.

“For active babies on the go (who keep going and going), here is the most breathable, waterproof, long-term protection from accidents,” reads the website for their new Tech Diaper. Their team of apparel gurus has created a revolutionary new “diapering system” that uses, “dry-lock technology and a patent-pending Bio-gest pad with a motion-activated enzyme layer for in-diaper composting of excrement.” They promise a diaper life of up to 12 hours without skin irritation.

And of course the diapers come in colors that will match all the jackets your family likely already owns.

The Orp-LZR1 bike light, horn, and destructive laser combo

The “Smorn” light from Orp (a real product) is equal parts bright head light and loud noisemaker. Today the company unveiled a new model with an interesting add-on feature: two high-powered lasers that pack enough power to blow up anything on the road that gets in your way.

“No more being cut off by inconsiderate or clueless drivers without consequence!” said Orp’s founder Toren Orzeck. Oh, and even with the lasers the LZR1 is still USB rechargeable.

Cycle Oregon launches virtual reality option

Virtual Ride is the latest innovation from Cycle Oregon. If you’ve always wanted to do their famous Week Ride but couldn’t find the time, you can now experiencer it from the comfort of your own home with the COVR system (Cycle Oregon Virtual Ride). “That’s right, you can see the Steens, pedal the Painted Hills, and ride the rim of Crater Lake—all from your home trainer—with our special virtual reality package,” reads the website.

“Simply put on your VR headset and press play to start the ride. As you hit mileage checkpoints in the program, our special drone delivery service will bring you all the accouterments you’ve come to know on Cycle Oregon events. For instance, on Day 1 mile 13, our custom delivery drones will slather you with sunscreen, load your pockets with KIND bars, drop two fizzes in your water bottle, and even waft you with that special blue room scent—so authentic! They’ll also deliver all your meals and gear drop bags, and offer you chocolate milk at the end of your day.”

They even offer virtual sag service in case you can’t even complete the VR experience. Offer also includes all the festivities back at camp and the headset comes pre-loaded with live concerts from the Rolling Stones, Led Zepplin or Bruce Springsteen.

Ruckus’ latest will take the spring out of your ride

Ruckus Composites has always been an innovator. Their new Inanimate Carbon Tube (ICT) takes suspension design one step further — by rendering it completely rigid.

For just $500 you can, “Turn any full suspension mountain bike into a hard tail. Drop speed sucking rear suspension movement. Ride faster up every hill. Drop unnecessary weight. Relive the glory days.”

The ICT comes with an impressively wordsmithed list of features including: Hi-Modulus Unidirectional Carbon Fiber body; 3k Twill Weave Carbon Fiber Decals; CUSTOM 3d printed to fit every bike and a weight of just 80 grams.

Act fast because these amazing products are only available for another 10 hours or so (and actually even that long).

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14 Comments

Adam H.April 1, 2016 at 2:43 pm

For active babies on the go (who keep going and going), here is the most breathable, waterproof, long-term protection from accidents.

“Crap not accident” . I can only imagine the pearl clutching that would go on here if the site administrators got wind of an april fool joke involving a car horn with lasers to blast cyclists in your way.

In case the falsity of your equivalence is not obvious, the reason drivers-zapping-cyclists isn’t funny (when cyclists-zapping-drivers is) is that drivers are already blasting cyclists out of existence left and right, without needing a special product to do it.

I sprained my trapezius group and, apparently, my funny bone too. The New Seasons joke fell flat for me because cargo bike parking is NOT something New Seasons does well. The website actually says this is at all stores and I’m still irked that they removed any cargo bike parking at the Seven Corner’s store. I brought managers out the day it was done and got, “I didn’t know bikes could be that big!” I know they labeled some staples for bigger bikes at the Williams store, but I’m still wishing that they’d share that tidbit with Seven Corners. Until they do I continue to shop at Freddy’s and Safeway, with the occasional Hawthorne NS trip thrown in when necessary.