April 16, 2014

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You guys, it’s really difficult to be a wayward youth in Brooklyn (or Manhattan, in that show-off Marnie’s case). So when the boys and girls of Girls ask for money from their parents, ex-husbands, former boyfriend and roommate’s gay daddies, grandmothers, and dying supervisors, they have to be certain of what they’ll spend it on: flossy phone cases. Allow us to elaborate:

MARNIE is the type of girl who you’d meet at a Jewish wedding and think: hey, why not? But then you’d flip over her phone and see that her case sucks. Just like two colors. She’s clearly the type to spend money on a case, but then just pull out right at the last second. But, luckily, Marnie’s also they type of gal who steps up her game when she’s balling or courting. I mean, she was dating a goddamned internet startup tycoon for like one episode. She’s not going to have some basic-ass iphone case, is she? To inspire romance, she’d start sporting a PARIS CASE, and, after getting dumped, she’ll turn to her MEOW FACE LAPTOP CASE for support and strength.

Marnie doesn’t do well when she’s single. But, thankfully for the economy, she loves to spend on her friends! For her beloved Hannah’s 25 birthday, she’ll buy the PB&J BESTIES BUMPER CASE SET. Hannah will use her jelly case all the time, but take it off when she’s near Marnie, just to teach her a lesson. A healthy friendship indeed!

HANNAH’s parents don’t understand why she’s so happy with her GUMMY BEARS CASE. But she enjoys the sight of colorful gelatinous yum-yums. They’re sweet and beautiful like her memoirs. Who cares about the consequences of eating too many, right? It’s like sticking your finger in a pharmacist’s button or going too far with that q-tip. What’s the worst that can happen? And for the girl whose memoirs are called “Midnight Snack,” there’s only one laptop case in the land: the LUNCH TIME CASE. Whether her e-book is happening or not, at least she’ll look good writing it.

JESSA doesn’t play games with her phone cases. She needs a phone that can be rode hard and put away wet and still function so that she can invite her boss to a Bushwick party. If an addict throws coffee on her during group therapy, Jessa wants to know that she can toss her cellular device at back at her and break some teeth. So when she goes to bed and doesn’t know where she’ll wake up, she packs her ATLANTIS HOLOGRAM BUMPER CASE. But now, she’s making a new start. Wearing her thick lipstick and looking like a finer Meryl Streep in Manhattan, Jessa hits the “working” world with her CRIMSON CASE.

Unlike her spiraling friends, SHOSHANNA nails it on a daily basis with a high-protein blend of optimism, organization, and exuberance. While Jessa and Marnie spent their formative years in futons with men, Shosh was on her own – working on me. Now, she can pull off anything. That’s why she tucks her LED ANDROMEDA CASE into her half Princess Leah bun-weave on a Saturday night. And when she’s having bunkbed sleepovers with hot-bodied losers or engaging in literary discourse with her Little Woman, Ray, she shows off her SAFARI LED CASE. She’s running this conversation.

It’s not always a shame about RAY. Look, let’s face it: he’s smarter than you. He doesn’t need to explain his iphone case and he doesn’t care about your praise. He sees you glancing at his R.I.P. CASE over the Grumpy’s counter while he’s hate-sexting with Marnie. And you know what? Sometimes, when he’s feeling in the mood to argue with hot 42 year olds about trash cans, he whips out his SOFT SERVE CASE, because unlike some of the other Neanderthals of his gender, he can be sensitive and sweet. Yeah, he’s flip like that.

Let’s face it: ADAM isn’t a complicated dude. He likes papier mâché, pushups, and releasing himself on the chests of former Roswell stars. He’s the type of dude who knows a simple package when he sees it. That’s why he’s with Hannah. So when he’s running shirtless through the subway system, facetiming with his OCD ex, he sports the REDWOOD case. He loves his wood!

When ELIJAH cruises for new benefactors – I mean boyfriends – at his S.R.O., he sports his 2 DOPE IPAD FLIP COVER, because he’s always going to have the last word in this situation.

TAKO’s name isn’t based after Mexican food. It’s important to her that you know. Tako is looking for high taste. So when she heads out to condemned warehouses wearing dental hygienist scrubs, she wants to bring some class. That’s why she rocks her VALENCIA CASE, which is, in fact, based off of food.

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