Top 10 Things The Twilight Films Did Terribly

6. Character development

I’m gonna get real honest with you: I’m getting pretty tired of hating Twilight movies for the sake of this article I’m writing for you sadistic assholes. I used to like-ish some of them before I started writing, now all I see is salty, burning hatred. Plus, I’m apparently blaming you for some reason, as you monitor my pain with serious intent, you jerks. Sure, it’s fun to laugh at the failures of others, but it can also be exhausting when it appears that you’ve bitten off such a large piece of terrible that you’ll be chewing on it for all of eternity. So to spare myself the entirety of that hell, I’ve abridged this portion of it, as well as the entire Twilight Saga quintilogy of films (I finally get to use that word) into short character development blurbs of color and delight. Basically, I’ve broken down the character development of all five movies into chatroom form. Also, fuck you. Enjoy:

(BONUS GAME #2: See if you can spot the character development. HINT: There isn’t any.)

*This page doesn't work on the mobile site, sorry.*

CHATROOM: TWILIGHT

BELLA: I moved to Forks… I’m boring.

EVERY GUY AT SCHOOL: A GIRL? PLEASE LET US IN YOUR PANTS! NOW!

EDWARD: A GIRL? I’M GONNA THROW UP. NOW. *Runs away.*

BELLA: Who was that?

JESSICA: WELLLL, I’M LIKE, HILARIOUSSS AND EVERYONE SHOULD LOVE ME.

BELLA: …

JESSICA: OH, THAT WAS, LIKE, EDWARRRRD… HE’S ONE OF THE CULLENNNNNNSS. THEY’RE LIKE A BIG EURO ORGY OR SOMETHINNNNNNG…

​OTHER GIRLS AT SCHOOL: OTHER GIRLS AT SCHOOL has left the chat.

EDWARD: I’M BACK, MY BEAUTIFUL- OOPS, I MEAN BELLA, hahahaha… ARE YOU USING THAT MICROSCOPE?​​BELLA: You’ve been gone for 2 weeks and I thought u hated me… Where the hell were u?

EDWARD: OH THAT, HAHAhahaha… DO YOU LIKE THE RAIN?

BELLA: No, I hate cold wet things…

EDWARD: </3 *Sob.*

JACOB: I LOOK FUCKING TERRIBLE.

BELLA: Yeah… U do…

JACOB: REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE KIDS AND I LOVED YOU. I MEAN I STILL LOVE YOU. I MEAN I DON’T LOVE YOU…. UM, THE QUILUETES ARE WEREWOLVES.

​BELLA: …What?

REAL NATIVE-AMERICAN AUDIENCE MEMBERS: GODDAMN IT, STEPHANIE MEYER!

REAL NATIVE-AMERICAN AUDIENCE MEMBERS: REAL NATIVE-AMERICAN AUDIENCE MEMBERS has left the chat.

​CARLISLE: I’M EDWARD’S 23 YEAR OLD DAD. AND A DOCTOR. AND THE SEXIEST PERSON IN THIS FILM. AND MOST FILMS. UNTIL JACOB BULKS UP FOR THE SEQUEL. I’VE RUN SOME TESTS, AND IT APPEARS THE CAR NEVER HIT YOU. IT MUST HAVE BEEN SWAMP GAS AND WEATHER BALLOONS AND ADRENALINE. YOU SHOULD CONSIDER YOURSELF VERY BORING. I MEAN, LUCKY. I AM LEGITIMATELY THE MOST AWESOME PERSON YOU WILL SEE FOR THE NEXT HOUR AND A HALF. EXCEPT FOR CHARLIE.

​CHARLIE: THANKS, YOU WEIRD FREAK. BELLA, I’LL MAKE SURE THAT KID WHO ALMOST HIT YOU GETS SHANKED IN PRISON.

CARLISLE: HAHA! OH, THAT DRY HUMOR GETS ME EVERY TIME. WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE, BELLA?

BELLA: That hurts my arm a lot. And shouldn’t we be in school? And I know what u r. U should save me and the rest of the world a looooooooooooooooot of trouble and just bite me now.EDWARD: BELLA, YOU STUPID, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. BEING A VAMPIRE MEANS IMMORTALITY, INVULNERABILITY AND SUPER-STRENGTH WITH NO NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES. I WOULDN’T WISH THAT ON ANYONE.BELLA: That doesn’t make any sense.

JAMES: LET’S GO EAT PEOPLE IN THE MOST OVER-THE-TOP WAY WE CAN THINK OF!

VICTORIA: YEAH, I LOVE YOU!

LAURENT: YOU AIN’T THE BOSS OF ME, WHITE B-

JAMES: HEY, SHUT UP, IS THAT, *Sniff,* BASEBALL?

LAURENT: I HOPE YOU DIE.

CARLISLE: HEY GUYS! WELCOME TO THE GAME.

EDWARD: DAD, WTF? WHAT CARLISLE MEANT TO SAY IS WE OUTNUMBER YOU A LOT. GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

JAMES: CAN I EAT YOUR GF?

CARLISLE: EDWARD, BELLA, RUN!

BELLA: What’s the big deal? U guys outnumber them a lot.

EDWARD: YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, BELLA, NOW THAT HE KNOWS YOUR HUMAN AND YOU’RE WITH A VAMPIRE, HE’LL NEVER STOP HUNTING YOU… FOR SOME REASON…

​BELLA: No, seriously, u guys outnumber them a lot. And besides, why don’t u just bite me now so you’re not dating a corpse someday?

JAMES: BELLA, LET ME EAT YOU, AND DON’T TELL THE OTHERS.

BELLA: Ok.

BELLA: BELLA has left the chat.

EDWARD: DAMN IT, JAMES. I’M GONNA KILL YOU NOW.

CARLISLE: WAIT EDWARD, DON’T. LET THE OTHERS OF US KILL HIM INSTEAD.

EDWARD: WHY?

CARLISLE: I… DON’T… KNOW… OH LOOK, THEY’RE DONE.

VICTORIA: I WILL NEVER STOP HUNTING BELLA.

VICTORIA: VICTORIA has left the chat.

BELLA: BELLA has joined the chat.

BELLA: What happened?

EDWARD: WE GOT ONE OF THEM.

BELLA: One of them?

EDWARD: YEAH, THE OTHER 2 GOT AWAY. AND ONE OF THEM WILL NEVER STOP HUNTING YOU. PLUS, YOU GOT BIT AND ALMOST TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE BUT I STOPPED IT. YOU’RE WELCOME.​BELLA: Wtf? U guys are awful at this.

EDWARD: I KNOW, AND I CAN NEVER MAKE UP FOR WHAT I DID. SO INSTEAD, I’M LEAVING YOUFOREVER.

BELLA: Um…

EDWARD: YOU’RE NOT SAFE WITH ME ANYMORE. SO I’M LEAVING YOU. ALONE. IN THE WOODS. AT NIGHT. IN A TOWN FREQUENTED BY OTHER VAMPIRES WHO WOULD EAT YOU. AND ONE OF THEM IS STILL HUNTING YOU AND WILL NEVER STOP UNTIL YOU ARE DEAD. YOU’RE SAFE NOW.​BELLA: Wait, what? Edward?

LAURENT: GUESS AGAIN.

BELLA: My bf will kick your ass if u touch me.

LAURENT: *Sniffs.* DOESN’T SMELL LIKE HE’S AROUND.

VICTORIA: VICTORIA has joined the chat.

WEREWOLF JACOB: BARK BARK BARK! CHOMP!

LAURENT: WHY DIDN’T I SMELL THAT COMING? *Dies.*

​VICTORIA: VICTORIA has left the chat.

BELLA: Uh, wtf?

WEREWOLF JACOB: *Has boner.*

BELLA: Um…

WEREWOLF JACOB: UH, BARK BARK BARK, BARK! *Runs away.*

BELLA: … *Goes home.*

CHARLIE: BELLA, WTF HAPPENED TO YOU?

BELLA: I got attacked by a vampire and almost sexually assaulted by a werewolf. I mean I didn’t. But I did get dumped by Edward. I’ll be upstairs in a chair for the next 6 months in between screaming night terrors, cutting myself, and bad music.

CHARLIE: THAT SOUNDS KIND OF UNHEALTHY. YOU SHOULD GO SHOPPING WITH FRIENDS INSTEAD.

JACOB: CUZ BELLA’S NOT HERE. AND SHE’S DEAD. AND SHE DOESN’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE. AND YOUSHOULD PROBABLY KILL YOURSELF.

BELLA: Jacob, wtf???

ALICE: EDWARD’S GONNA KILL HIMSELF, WE HAVE TO SAVE HIM.

BELLA: How’d we get to Italy so fast?

ALICE: I DRUGGED YOU. EDWARD’S GOING FLASH 1,000’S OF PEOPLE IN THE SUNLIGHT, AND WHEN THEY FIND OUT HE’S COVERED IN GLITTER, THE VAMPIRE MAFIA WILL KILL HIM. WAIT… I SEE SOMETHING… IT’S EDWARD! HE’S… RIGHT OVER THERE!​BELLA: No Edward, stop! All your plans are terrible!

EDWARD: YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT. THE VOLTURI!

CAIUS: DAMN RIGHT, FUCKHEADS, COME WITH US.

ARO: A VAMPIRE DATING A HUMAN AHAHAHAHAhahahahahhahaha… *Skeet.*

JANE: I CAUSE PAIN WITH MY MIND FOR FUN!

EDWARD: AAAAAAAAAH!!! ALSO, WTF WERE YOU BEFORE YOU WERE A VAMPIRE?

BELLA: NO, STOP, PLEASE!!!

AUDIENCE: WOAH. KRISTEN STEWART’S FIRST EMOTION.

ARO: SIMPLY DELIGHTFUL! BUT BELLA SHOULD BE A VAMPIRE. DON’T YOU AGREE, MARCUS?

MARCUS: MEHHHHHhhhhhhh….. *Craps his pants.*

OTHER MEMBERS OF THE VOLTURI: OTHER MEMBERS OF THE VOLTURI has left the chat.

ALICE: ARO, YOU CAN READ MY MIND, BELLA WILL BE A VAMPIRE SOMEDAY… I’VE SEEN IT!!!

CARLISLE: YES, BADLY. SO SHE’S STARTED CREATING AN ARMY OF VAMPIRES TO KILL YOU.

JACOB: WHAT DAMN ARMY? HA. NAILED IT.

CHARLIE: GOOD ONE. LOL.

CARLISLE: I READ ABOUT IT IN THE PAPER. WE HAVE TO STOP THEM.

​BELLA: Omg, I have an idea. Hey, Jake, remember when I said I don’t want u fighting over me? I lied! :P Would u mind getting your family together and teaming up with your mortal enemies to go to war for me, since Dumbass here won’t let me be a vampire?

JACOB: USE ME.

BELLA: Aw, thx! U r the best!!! <3

JACOB: PRETTY SURE YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH ME.

BELLA: Lol! No, sorry, sweetie! :(

JACOB: FUCK.

JASPER: WE NEED TO BE READY. I USED TO BE A CONFEDERATE MAJOR IN THE AMERICAN CIVIL WAR, BEFORE BECOMING A VAMPIRE AND TRAINING 1,000’S OF NEWBORN VAMPIRES TO FIGHT IN THE VAMPIRE CIVIL WAR, AND THEN KILLING THEM ALL, SO I’LL BE TRAINING YOU ALL TO FIGHT IN THE BIGGEST VAMPIRE/WEREWOLF DEATH OLYMPICS YOU’VE EVER SEEN. ALSO, I’M A HUGE FUCKING BADASS. FINALLY. *Is awesome.*​

EDWARD: BELLA, YOU’LL BE SAFE HERE, IN THIS NYLON TENT, IN THE MOUNTAINS DURING A BLIZZARD… DAMN. ALL MY PLANS REALLY ARE TERRIBLE.

BELLA: Yeah, they really r… also, I’m kind of freezing to death, would u mind warming me up with your body- oh,right ur made of ice. Do u try to plan things this badly?

EDWARD: NO. I’M JUST STUPID.

JACOB: I HEARD BELLA SAY, “WARM ME UP WITH YOUR BODY,” SO I RAN FASTER THAN I HAVE EVER RUN IN MY LIFE. AND I’M ALREADY NAKED.

EDWARD: GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY GF ALREADY.

BELLA: Aw. Hey Edward, I know Jacob’s been after me since 3rd grade and has been trying to steal me from u the whole time we’ve been together, but is it ok if he climbs naked into my sleeping bag with me?

EDWARD: I WILL DO ANYTHING YOU SAY.

BELLA: Aw, thx! U r so great! <3

JACOB: FINALLY. BELLA, DID I EVER TELL YOU THE STORY OF THE WEREWOLF’S WIFE WHO KILLED HERSELF SO THAT HER BLOOD WOULD DISTRACT A VAMPIRE FROM KILLING HER HUSBAND?