This is Your Wake Up Call

aba79de155 Asks ...

Dear Jim, The question I have is this. My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years married for almost 2. I met him in a bar but had no idea on how extensive his drinking was until further in the relationship when I would find empty whiskey bottles hidden around our house. He seems to be verbally and some times physically abusive. Last year I kicked him out I filed for divorce and then decided to give him another chance. During the time when I kicked him out is was because of his excessive drinking his behavior ect. I had to call the cops and he ended up getting a year probation, a fine, had to be alcohol tested 2 x per month and attend anger management classes. During the testing I had caught him drinking a few times and mind you it is whiskey straight from the bottle! He promises he wants to quit drinking and be a better person. We are in an apartment and our lease is coming to be final and I have to give them notice by April 1st. He wanted to go to marriage counseling so we have been 3 times. I do not understand why he wants this marriage to work and he never learns from anything he has been through. I am his first marriage he has no children and he is my 3 marriage. He is 41 myself 50. He came home the other morning around 11:30 from a trip to the store. I thought for sure he was drinking. Sure enough I went out to his car and under his seat was an EMPTY bottle of whiskey. He did admit he drank half the day before and the rest upon his trip to the store. I don't understand what he is not getting about our marriage and that I am ready to not sign the lease. I feel in my heart for what ever reason he choses to sneak and lie about his drinking and I keep staying. I am looking for advice on what I should do??? I can see he is not going to change as with everything he has been through. He even told me the other day that when he would go for his alcohol testing he knew he would not get tested right away again so it was like he would go out and reward himself with alcohol.....What???? Is there something screwed up in his head or what. He has been working a temp job and has had many jobs since I have known him.....I am confused..Melinda

Jim LaPierre Says ...

Hi Melinda and thank you for writing to me.

Melinda, you know that your husband is an active alcoholic. You know that he's not trying to be sober. You know that the consequences of his actions have not changed his behavior, and from what you're telling me he shows no concern whatsoever as to how his choices impact you.

My gut feeling is you've been holding out for hope when you know there is none to be had. You know what the truth is and you know what you need to do for you...yet, choosing what's best for you is not what you're accustomed to doing.

I have Sarah Bareiles singing in my head right now

"All my life, I've tried

to make everybody happy

while I just hurt

and hide

waiting for someone to tell me

it's my turn to decide."

It's your turn Melinda. It's time to take care of you and to listen to what your intuition is telling you.

Always listen to your gut - especially when you don't like what it says.

Maybe check out some counseling for yourself? Relationships are hard work. I'm wondering about how you relate to you?