Monthly Archives: June 2017

Architect Dan Meis, who is in charge of designing the new ground for Everton FC, has asked to be inundated with daily suggestions on what features to incorporate into the stadium. In particular, he wants to hear the same limited number of suggestions over and over again.

The California based architect expressed concerns that no one seemed to be taking an interest in the project:

“I post a little teaser on Twitter and there’s literally no bites. No one seems to care whether the ground should have steep stands, seating close to the pitch, whether it should look exactly like West Ham’s new ground, or just copy a lot of its features. I’ve only been designing world class sporting arenas for over twenty years – do they think I’ll be able to pull this off without the input of Terry from Knotty Ash?”

Initial designs for the ground have been drafted and are available to view, but Meis says that nobody has contacted him with a desire to see them:

“Rather than some big event, the plan has always been to just randomly launch the stadium designs via a reply to a Tweet from a stranger. But in the last five seconds, literally nobody has asked to see them.”

After the capture of Jordan Pickford and Davy Klaassen, normality has finally been restored with the protracted transfer of Sandro Ramirez.

The double swoop for the Sunderland stopper and Ajax captain left Evertonians in a rage – denied their obligatory soap opera, as for the first time in the clubs history, Everton moved quickly and effectively to tie up two transfers in the space of 24 hours. Lessons have been learnt following that mistake, and it is with much relief that the signing of the Spanish striker has now returned to the obligatory realm of farce. Everton fan Mike Sullen from Garston, raged:

“I was livid when we announced Pickford and Klaassen. They virtually came out of the blue. One minute we were linked with them, the next they were signed. It’s not a proper transfer window unless there’s fake sightings of a player in Liverpool, made up rumours on Twitter, medicals and fees agreed, and then Arsenal or someone in the Champions League gazumping us at the last minute. Thankfully this Sandro character seems to be messing us about. He looks like he gets the club. The transfer windows over the last 20 years have all been about theatre, I’m not sure why, it’s just how it is.”

Following a period of extensive research on social media, scientists have now concluded that it takes an average of four months for Everton supporters to forget that Gerard Deulofeu is terrible.

The 23 year old, who joined AC Milan on loan during the January transfer window, looks set to return to the blues this summer. Prior to his departure, he put in a series of inconspicuous and frustrating performances for the toffees, which meant little sleep was lost when the winger was shipped out.

Scientists observed, that exactly four months later – fans once more believed that the Spaniard could be effective in the Premiership, that he wasn’t a one-trick show pony, and most bafflingly of all – that he would one day last more than sixty minutes of a game before collapsing on the pitch like an asthmatic pensioner who smokes his way through fifty a day.

Sources close to the player believe that the inconsistent winger himself hopes to revive his Everton career, after seeing the club recently announce a new deal for the inconsistent winger Kevin Mirallas.

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All articles on this site are a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, incidents and all references to anybody associated to Everton Football Club and the club themselves are made in a fictitious manner.