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Pushing aside a stray lock of hair, I leaned in to murmur in my girlfriend’s ear. “Do you like this, my naughty girl? Do you like to watch?”
Turning toward me, so that our lips almost touched, she replied, “I really don’t. This is, like, the male gaze-iest.”
“Thank god!” I laughed, “I hate it too!”
“Why are their nails so long?”
“Dude, why is anything about this?”
“I can’t even with straight porn,” my girlfriend sighed, reaching for the remote.

***

“Bend over, baby, I’m going to pound your ass hard!”
“Can we not do that position? Today was leg day at the gym.”
“Uh…ok, then on your back!”
“Well, I get gassy when you fuck me like that”
“Okay… then suck it hard!”
“I had burritos for dinner and my acid reflux is acting up”
“Hand job?”

***

It was a quiet night at The Girl Cave, and the dance floor was empty. Priscilla leaned against the wall nursing a cold beer, letting the condensation from the bottle collect and drip between her fingers, its wetness reminding her distantly of passionate nights spent with her last love.

“Don’t think about her,” Priscilla reminded herself.

She caught the eye of a cute butch across the room.

“Why not?” thought Priscilla. “I’ll let her buy me a drink, she’ll ask me to dance, I’ll let her take me home, and I’ll forget all about that heartbreaker.”

Across the room, the cute butch was thinking exactly the same thing.

The dance floor stayed empty. For hours, every lesbian in the bar leaned against the wall, nursing a drink and sneaking furtive glances at each other. No one went home with anyone.

The Girl Cave closed down a month later.

***

“So, it’s my first time…” I looked down, suddenly shy now that I’d said it out loud.

“That’s okay, man, I’ll take care of you. So you’re a bottom?”

“Oh yeah, I’ve been fantasizing about getting fucked for years”

By way of reply, the handsome stranger reached into his jeans and pulled out the most enormous cock I could possibly have imagined. I gaped at it, thinking quickly.

“Well, maybe I’m really a top…”

***

I couldn’t look away. Before me, two lithe bodies pressed together, limbs entangled, teeth biting lips.
“God, I hate Jenny.”
“Eh, I hate her less this season. It’s her best haircut.”
“I’m so happy she dies,” my girlfriend sighed, reaching for the box of Franzia.

***

This installment of Disappointingly Realistic Erotica was co-written with Sarah Sloane. Check out previous installments here.

In celebration of Pride, we want to show some love to our most popular coming out-related video, in which Allison Moon (sex educator and author of books about lesbian werewolves (yes, lesbian werewolves (I know, right?))) tells us about going through a series of identities, starting at age 16, when she first realized that not everyone fell in love without regard to gender. Enjoy!

Hey Los Angeles! Will you be at Pride this Sunday? Our illustrious street team will be spreading sensual rays of rainbow love on Sunday, all throughout the parade. We will be showering the crowd with sexy surprises and prizes. Post-parade, catch us at our rope bondage booth at Here Lounge, where we will be providing festival goers with complimentary naughty wearable rope bondage designs.

Be on the lookout for our fierce and furious spanking brigade of rainbow warriors!

Maybe you’ve heard the axiom that queer ladies don’t like girl-on-girl porn because of the long nails. Basically, lots of queer women enjoy fingering. Comfortable fingering all but requires short, well-groomed nails because otherwise OW. (If you love your nails, you can pad the fingers latex or nitrile gloves with cotton balls, and avoid stabbing your partner that way.) Many ladies who enjoy fingering take a look at the performers’ long nails in a lot of girl-on-girl scenes and say, “No thank you.”

There are a few ways that a person can deal with this. One is to forgo porn entirely. Another is to check out some of the fabulous queer produced porn that’s out there. A third, less intuitive option is to protest mainstream porn with a series of embroidered close-ups of long nails and vulvas. One Tumblr-er did just that, and it is amazing.

When Dr. Pham took her pride flag down briefly, intending to replace it with another rainbow flag, she received this letter.

In April, Dr. Mary Pham decided to fly a pride flag from the top of her Irvine, California home. Many of her neighbors had flags hanging from their homes – seasonal flags, or flags celebrating a favorite sport – and she decided that she wanted to hang a flag to show her support for LGBT folks.

“Not in Irvine, Mary,” a friend warned her. She laughed it off.

“Look, either you know what it is or you don’t,” she decided. “Either it’s a pride flag, or it’s just a rainbow flag. And if it’s a pride flag, and you notice, either you like it or you hate it. And if you hate it then you’re just a jerk.”

Deciding that “if there’s any reason to eat, drink and have a party, why not?” she and her friend Ramon invited several friends over for brunch and a “flag-hanging ceremony.”

In July, she was told that people had been writing angry emails to her HOA about the flag. When she saw them, she was taken aback by the hateful language she saw. One of them referred to the flag as a “Fag Flag.”

Another email offered this confusing sentiment: “Most people do not choose the gay lifestyle, and personally it irritates me to have to be reminded everyday of two men having sex with each other.”

While no one was being openly hostile to her, Dr. Pham started to feel nervous about the negative attention the flag was receiving. She contacted The Center OC, her local LGBT center, and asked their executive director, Kevin S. O’Grady, for advice. At his insistence, she filed a police report, just in case.

The negative responses didn’t stop with the police report. Someone printed out a press release from the notoriously anti-gay Westboro Baptist Church and left it at her door. One morning, she found a flyer on her windshield that said only “GOD HATES FLAGS.”

In December, she was interviewed for a piece in the OC Weekly about the angry responses to her flag. When she read some of the “mean and hateful” comments that people had left about the article, she decided to throw caution to the wind.

“Before, it was just a flag. Now, I’m going to fight back.”

She and her son, Russell, discussed what they could do to make an even bigger statement – without violating HOA restrictions, of course. Finally, they agreed on something:

After all, she’s allowed to put lights up for holidays.

Dr. Pham sees this experience as an incentive to get seriously involved in LGBT activism. She and Kevin S. O’Grady have already sat down to discuss how to make Irvine a more LGBT-friendly place.

When we first got excited about marriage equality, we hadn’t even considered the possibilities for themed weddings. This wedding photo – yes, it is a wedding photo – got us thinking. An adorable interview with one of the two grooms pictured above (the one dressed as Mr. Freeze) describes their Batman-inspired wedding, and the “good bit of fisticuffs” you’re seeing:

Since my wedding party (11 people) dressed in villain-inspired cocktail attire, and his wedding party (another 11 people) dressed in hero-inspired cocktail attire, it seemed only fitting that instead of formal line-up photos, we would go with an all-out faux brawl between the two sides.

We’re hoping that the move toward marriage equality will mean (among other, more important things) that we see more wildly creative weddings like this one.

How about you? Any offbeat pairings you’re hoping to see walk down the aisle?

Yes, we were out and proud, representing for the Pleasure Chest at NYC Pride this past weekend. Here are a few photos we took. If you have any you want to share, post links in the comments or send an email to mattc at thepleasurechest dot com so we can update the gallery.