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Topic Review (Newest First)

06-03-2011 09:44 PM

BigToe

Re: What are your realistic expectations of your spouse?

I think you have a right to have expectations of respect, honesty, and fidelity. Everything else is compromising on the continual evolution and changes that occur in the marriage. Sometimes you might meet in the middle, sometimes he wins, sometimes she wins. Marriage is not a mathematical equation that always results in the same answer through eternity, it changes as people change through their life.

05-29-2011 05:43 PM

KJ5000

Re: What are your realistic expectations of your spouse?

*Treat me the way you want to be treated
*Accept my flaws as I do yours
*Meet in the middle if we have opposing views on certain things
*Show and give affection
That's it.

We've been happily married for 14 years and with the exception of 1 or 2 rough patches(during one of which I discovered this website), it's worked for us.

02-01-2011 02:46 PM

TimGoode

Re: What are your realistic expectations of your spouse?

Wow! Part of this sounded like a cat fight. There are a lot of good and valid points being made. There is also a LOT of room for growth. Men inherently know that relationships and communication are women's forte and not their own. Men get easily (and often quickly) overwhelmed when dealing with emotion. Dr. John Gottman terms this being "flooded." We need coaching, training, and gentle nudging to grow in our ability to learn competency in something that is natural in the toolbox of women.

Many of these expectations should have been negotiated, voiced, and encouraged during the dating/courtship process. If they were met at that point but H dropped them later, that is deception and needs to be addressed - not requiring decapitation rather accountability. Both parties need acknowledgement of the behaviors that are good and endearing. Otherwise, the existing effort may disappear.

Both partners deserve respect, boundaries to honored, communication both verbal and physical that is positive, and endorsement of opportunities to grow and flourish as individuals and as a unified couple.

So - define what your world should look like in a marriage. Invite your partner to join you in the adventure. If substantive objections are raised, consider whether a negotiated compromise is possible. If not or if the objection is insincere, start living as the best spouse you can be - for the benefit of your growth. In the two-income family arrangements we see in today's world, that can be challenging for an uncooperative partner.

You don't need permission to be the best person you can be. The resulting product of your efforts will usually produce some level of change in your "Honey."

Hello
I just joined yesterday and asked a similar question. There is no template for long term marriage is there? As for expectations - well these days it's more about realizations and disappointments. Sounds grim but I think after the kids have gone and the career has settled (!) it's a big wake up call. All the things we put up with in the background come screaming to the front. As I grow older I wonder if this really is as good as it gets?

01-21-2011 06:07 PM

LSU Fan

Re: What are your realistic expectations of your spouse?

I expect my spouse to...LOVE me.
And she does. And once she does that 100% all else falls into place

You expect less, you actually get more, how many people can understand this?

Wow that is good! I can say that I told my husband I expect this from you and that from you. Then one day we were having an argument and he came out and told me I don't do this and that because I feel like you are trying to change me and you don't like the person I already am...Wow did that hit me in the face. I love the man I married and I would never want to change him. Thats when I realized that all I needed was to know that my H loved me and he is my bestfriend.

01-19-2011 11:55 PM

moonangel

Re: What are your realistic expectations of your spouse?

What I don't get is why you expect him to start a conversation or keep a conversation with you and then get mad if he doesn't.

When we drive or anything I always enjoy starting the conversation. Sometimes when things get too quiet, I'll say, "So, what's on your mind?" or "Whatcha think'n?" and based on his reaction or answer, I'll either joke with him or have a serious conversation. Most the time he'll say, he's thinking about watches, trucks, manly things that I really don't care for.

01-13-2011 07:54 AM

madimoff

Re: What are your realistic expectations of your spouse?

I sooooo relate to the conversation in the car scenario, and can take it a step further in that he won't drive my car and was stunned one day when I asked him 'but what happens if I break my leg, who's going to take (our son) to school?' ....

Expectations. Another interesting one, particularly since the OP mentioned being found annoying, or a nuisance, or something, by her hub. I get this so much. If I start to speak then realise (too late) that heś reading the paper, I'm interrupting and being inconsiderate. If heś talking to our son about some homework issue, and I join in (not when heś speaking, you understand, but simply join in) then Iḿ undermining and taking over. My expectation of a permanent relationship was that communication wouldn't be such a problem.
Only last night on the phone I was told when he arrives tonight he doesn't want to waste time talking about the small stuff. Right that sounds fair enough, itś the draining the swamp syndrome, don't spend your life hassling about minutae. However the reason this came up was because of problems parenting our 8yo when he's not here about 40% of the time... and when there's a problem and he decides to help, sometimes itś by saying 'do what mummy says' and sometimes he just lays down a set of parameters to our son & I'm left being the majority parenter yet with input from abroad (literally!) which doesn't necessarily take account of whatś gone before. And my expectation of a relationship is that I should (or anyone, man or woman) be able to just express this niggle without being made to feel a pain in the **** .

But maybe this isn't actually anything to do with expectations for most people, and it is for me only because communication is at a premium because we don't live together fulltime.

He knows, as I've expressed it a million times, that his silence really bothers me - could he open up a little more? Just a little, I'm not asking him to become the next Oprah. But apparently what bothers me is not important. It bothers him that I talk all the time, so I've pulled back so I don't get on his nerves as much - I bended, but he can't?

Let me ask you, how is this philosophy working for you?

12-31-2010 10:52 PM

Threetimesalady

Re: What are your realistic expectations of your spouse?

That is easy...To be there for me as I am for him...Through eternity my love, through eternity....

12-17-2010 10:03 PM

hurtinindy

Re: What are your realistic expectations of your spouse?

My exectations were for my husband to respect me to give u the things that hurt me and to realize that he had a family and that we were his responsibilty. I didn't get any of those things and I overheard him on the heone tell someone that he is only trying to take care of his children. That leaves me out.

12-17-2010 06:46 PM

credamdóchasgra

Re: What are your realistic expectations of your spouse?

@vt, what you describe as how you and your DH used to be, sounds similar to us.
So it gives me hope.
Ive found that if I'm getting something anyway, I won't feel I need it. Interesting.Posted via Mobile Device

And while you are practicing that and it works for you, has your husband actually lowered his expectations on what he wants from you too?

This really chaps my a**. Why should I have to lower my expectations that my husband show that he loves me? Am I not a good enough person that I can expect the man who pledged to love me "till death do us part" actually do so?

What happens when you expect less and still get less - do you have any words of wisdom for that?

While not every shoe fits everyone, not every solution to relationships fits everyone either. What works for you, might not work for me and vice versa.

First, from your posts, I know you are struggling a lot in your life, so I don't want to say things to cause you pain. Hope that you can find your peace through whatever way you find good for you.

My husband doesn't have much expectation for me, he wanted a kind woman and one who can have intelligent conversation with him. It happens that I have these.

And while you are practicing that and it works for you, has your husband actually lowered his expectations on what he wants from you too?

This really chaps my a**. Why should I have to lower my expectations that my husband show that he loves me? Am I not a good enough person that I can expect the man who pledged to love me "till death do us part" actually do so?

What happens when you expect less and still get less - do you have any words of wisdom for that?

While not every shoe fits everyone, not every solution to relationships fits everyone either. What works for you, might not work for me and vice versa.

My husband already told me that some people would come up with this idea, what if you expect less and get less?

Well. I have no words to say about this!

I don't expect, so I don't feel upset that I don't get! Simple!

I expect less, I don't get upset, I don't nag, I don't whine, I don't complain, I have a happy mind. That's what I get. Isn't this more? My husband is also happy that I don't fight with

him all the time, I don't make him feel that he is not doing enough for me, then he appreciates me more, then he loves me more, then he does a lot of sweet things to show me his

appreciation. Isn't this more?

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