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Thursday, March 21, 2013

I've heard the word shy defined as "a fear of social judgement." Introverts get energized from time alone whereas extroverts get energized when they're with people.

I'd say I'm about 75% introvert, which leaves 25% of me needing time with my family, my friends, my church, and ministering to students. But since I've been confined to the couch, the hospital, and my home, I've noticed that my introvert is taking a shift towards shyness. I'm becoming a recluse. It's even hard for me to write, which has always been an outlet for me, because I'm afraid of offending someone: making myself look pathetic or like a saint (I am neither).

Introvert and extrovert are at war within. :)

My introvert is calling for space away from my littles - little hands, little spills, little diapers, little cries, little discipline-issues. There's no escaping people. I shower with the bathroom door open so I can hear any fights, any alarms beeping, any crying.

But my extrovert crying out for attention too. I miss worshiping with fellow believers. Sure listening to the sermon online is great, but worship is lacking without the people of God around you singing praises and crying out to God together. I miss my friends.

And then shy creeps in. Do I still have friends? Have I been replaced? Is it socially acceptable to talk about your struggles? Do people even remember who I am? What do they think about what I'm wearing? What about the weight I've gained since having the twins? Will people still think I'm funny? Did they ever think I was funny?

I think all of this adds up to leaving my heart open to a huge attack from Satan. Feelings of annoyance and frustration for my family. Feelings of jealousy and comparison toward people in my community. Feelings of inadequacy and insignificance creep into my soul. These are not healthy nor helpful feelings.

How do I battle this? How do I embrace the life that God has given me? How do I conquer my feelings and live with Truth in my mind and my heart?

The only solution is the Word. My husband often reminds me that those things, my doubts and fears, are not true. Those thoughts of insignificance and inadequacy are lies and I need to block with Scripture. Philippians 4:8 is one of those powerful verses that I need to meditate on when I have those negative thoughts and feelings. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

I am learning to accept that this is the journey that God has me on and there's no use in fighting it. I need to find joy in my little home and in my ministry to little hearts and hands. I need to acknowledge the significant role that I am playing in my sons' lives. I need to be at peace with the way God made me and that I have value because I'm His. This is no longer my life but Christ living through me and when I let Him fill me I will shine and there's confidence in that.