Author
Topic: The "extra" swimsuit.... (Read 39325 times)

I like to go to the Y every day, to this end I have a master key membership ( so I can go to any Y in the district) and my bag packed and kept in the car with a swim suit and clean clothes at all times. ( the clean clothes are due to a medical condition that sometimes means I need to change ASAP)

One of the people I go out with on the weekends wants to go to the Y, too, but usually "forgets" her stuff, so I have started carrying an extra swimsuit in the car for anyone who needs to borrow it. I have no problem taking the suit home after use and washing it for next time. She has several times tried to take the suit home with her, but if she does I will never see it again. ( This has happened before with things I've borrowed her.)

I have told her that if she does not want to come to the Y to tell me when we are making plans and I will go alone and we'll just start our outings later, as the class time is set. But she insists that she's just forgetful.

She is put out that I will not just give her the suit to keep, and that if I let her wear it, it belongs to her. She has come right out and said that I am "rude to take it back after giving it to her". When I let her use it I made sure to tell her that the suit was mine, but I would let her use it for the class and then I wanted it back. I even told her in so many words that I wold take care of laundering it after she used it. She still insists that my letting her use it and expecting it to be returned is "rude". For my part I am simply going to start making plans after the class with her to avoid the conflict, but I thought the idea of "you let me use it - it now belongs to me" would be an interesting conversation here. So what say you, am I rude, is she or is this just a case of differing belief systems and neither is rude?

I consider bathing suits to be like underwear and would never share them. Maybe your friend also thinks bathing suits are like underwear and figures once she's worn it, it's hers because you don't share underwear.

I consider bathing suits to be like underwear and would never share them. Maybe your friend also thinks bathing suits are like underwear and figures once she's worn it, it's hers because you don't share underwear.

If that was her thinking, wouldn't she decline to wear a used swim suit then?

I think the best solution would be not to bring the extra swimsuit next time. If she can't be bothered to bring her own, she can sit and wait until class is over to hang out with you after class.

It's your choice whether to avoid confrontation, claiming you "forgot it", or to tell her outright that, "Every time I loan it to you, you nag me to give it to you. It seems the only way to avoid the nagging is to not loan you the suit at all."

Are you rude if you loaned someone your car and expect it back? You are fine. She, not so much. I would no longer be loaning her a suit if that's her attitude. She should be thanking you instead of scolding you for daring to take back your property.

I consider bathing suits to be like underwear and would never share them. Maybe your friend also thinks bathing suits are like underwear and figures once she's worn it, it's hers because you don't share underwear.

If that was her thinking, wouldn't she decline to wear a used swim suit then?

Well, I would, but we're talking about someone who thinks when something is loaned to her, it becomes hers, so who knows.

Wow! You are a really generous friend to be loaning out a swimsuit! I think this woman is rude to continue to nag you about the suit after you have told her repeatedly that it is a loan and not a gift. If it were me, I'd stop loaning her the suit and just prevent all this hassle. And I'd be 100% honest as to why!

OP, you're being really generous. But I agree with others that it's time to stop loaning the suit out to your friend. She's taking advantage of your generosity.

I'm one of those that doesn't loan or borrow swimsuits. So if I did borrow one (a brand-new one), I'd try to keep it but I'd also be handing you a check to reimburse you for the suit. It sounds like your friend just wants the suit without giving you anything.

And if you did give her the suit, and the next week she "forgot" her suit again, would she expect to use your spare again?

I think that if she has no suit to borrow, she'll learn pretty quickly to either pass on the class or to bring her own suit.

I think she gets the concept of a loan just fine but since it doesn't benefit her, she's learned to play dumb and make up new rules that do benefit her. You're fine in what you are doing. She sounds like a person who believes that if you (general you) have an "extra" of something, you are obligated to pass it on to someone who does not; and conversely those without (mostly her) are entitled to your extras. This is the telling line "but if she does I will never see it again. (This has happened before with things I've borrowed her.)" If you wish to continue going to the gym with her, and you're feeling especially generous, give her a deadline to provide her own suit. "Friend, I can loan you my suit this next time only, after today, you will need to bring your own." And then leave your suit at home or stashed away in your car. Myself, I would cut it off immediately and "forget" the suit on the very next trip. Is she a guest on your gym pass too, does she "remember" her own towel at least? If she has her own gym membership, she may be claiming the suit as hers so she can also use it when you aren't together.

Logged

"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools." — Douglas Adams

This is one of the times I need to read twice to see if I am understanding what's going on because the behaviour is baffling that I simply don't get it.

I suppose I would also never go through the trouble of keeping a swimsuit for someone because, as far as I am concerned, if someone wants to swim, they will bring their own suit. (Oh I would drag along a spare if someone asked beforehand but not as anything regular)

Hmm. While I think she is incorrect, I do understand where she is coming from. It sounds like you're lending her the same suit every single time she takes the class. From her perspective, it's probably a case of "She's letting me use this swimsuit every time I want it, why doesn't she just give it to me?" or something like that. Because she sees that you have and use a different suit, and you always have this other suit available for her, she probably assumes that you don't need/use the spare.

I think your tactic of making plans that don't involve the class is the best way to go here.

Logged

You have just begun reading the sentence you have just finished reading.

I like to go to the Y every day, to this end I have a master key membership ( so I can go to any Y in the district) and my bag packed and kept in the car with a swim suit and clean clothes at all times. ( the clean clothes are due to a medical condition that sometimes means I need to change ASAP)

One of the people I go out with on the weekends wants to go to the Y, too, but usually "forgets" her stuff, so I have started carrying an extra swimsuit in the car for anyone who needs to borrow it. I have no problem taking the suit home after use and washing it for next time. She has several times tried to take the suit home with her, but if she does I will never see it again. ( This has happened before with things I've borrowed her.)

I have told her that if she does not want to come to the Y to tell me when we are making plans and I will go alone and we'll just start our outings later, as the class time is set. But she insists that she's just forgetful.

She is put out that I will not just give her the suit to keep, and that if I let her wear it, it belongs to her. She has come right out and said that I am "rude to take it back after giving it to her". When I let her use it I made sure to tell her that the suit was mine, but I would let her use it for the class and then I wanted it back. I even told her in so many words that I wold take care of laundering it after she used it. She still insists that my letting her use it and expecting it to be returned is "rude". For my part I am simply going to start making plans after the class with her to avoid the conflict, but I thought the idea of "you let me use it - it now belongs to me" would be an interesting conversation here. So what say you, am I rude, is she or is this just a case of differing belief systems and neither is rude?

Quit loaning her swimsuits.

If you are in the USA - www.swimsuitsforall.com has suits from size 6 to 26 - if she can't find a suit to fit from the clearance section (under $30 for most sizes, sometimes under $20 for the size 14 & under) - then she can wait until she finds one....or start to carry one in her own vehicle, tote bag, or purse.....

Because you are not going to loan her anything else - not so much as a cheap hair band to put her hair in a ponytail....when the bands were 20 for $1 at the local dollar store.