Monday, December 31, 2012

Before I get to the first half of my top 10 list, I’m gonna
rant for just a sec. It’s a rant you’ve
heard from me before, but I’m gonna bang this drum as long as my banger still
works. Whenever I tell someone that I
write about horror movies, they often say, “They just don’t make any good
horror movies any more.” When someone
says that, I ask them how many independent horror movies they’ve seen
lately. Nine times out of ten, their
response is “Huh?” There’s the problem
right there.

One criticism I know I’m gonna hear about my top 10 is “But
Nathan, I’ve only seen two or three of these.”
That’s because only two of my top 10 got a major theatrical
release. If you’re relying on your
local multiplex for good horror, you’re shortchanging yourself folks. I implore you, look deeper. The good stuff isn’t coming out of
Hollywood. If you really want to see
the best of what the genre currently has to offer, you’re gonna have to dig. Not far, mind you. Of the 8 indie flicks on my top 10, 7 are available at Redbox, on
VOD, from Amazon, or are a simple google search away. I’ve seen way too many top 10 lists this year that include
mediocre major studio fare just because they only take big releases into
account. For the sake of the genre and
for the sake of your entertainment, SUPPORT INDEPENDENT HORROR!

Look, I'm really not trying to sound like a film snob here, I just want more people to get a chance to see these kick ass movies. Ok, now that I’m done proselytizing, lets get on with the
countdown…

10. Nazis at the
Center of the Earth

I’ve spoken before about my love of The Asylum, the
preeminent purveyors of mockbusters and SyFy channel guilty pleasures, but they
outdid themselves here. This gem is, in
my opinion, the best movie ever to come out of The Asylum’s hallowed
halls. It has everything. There’s gore, Nazi flying saucers, human
experiments, gratuitous nudity, gunplay, lost worlds, and a perfectly played
Dr. Mengele. Yes, it has the over the
top insanity that they are known for, but it’s got a darker, grittier, and
nastier undercurrent than their usual output.
It makes for a potent b-movie cocktail.
The essence of this flick can actually be distilled into one scene. Yes, this is a spoiler, but it’s the kind
of spoiler that will only make you want to see it more. Trust me.
There is a scene where Jake Busey performs a forced abortion on his own
baby momma, then throws the stem cells into a machine that immediately gives
birth to Robo-Hitler! If you can read a
sentence like that and not immediately add this to your necessary viewing list,
there’s something horribly wrong with you.
I saw a lot of movies this year that may have been technically better,
but I honestly can’t say that I had more fun watching any movie this year than
I did with this one.

9. TIE: The Revenant and A Little Bit Zombie

Yeah, I know, a tie is technically cheating. It’s my countdown and I’ll cheat if I want
to. In a year that provided us with a
whole lot of godawful horror comedies, there was a pair of zomedies that got it
right. They both featured excellent
comedic timing, good acting, crisp dialog, and quotable one-liners. So many horror comedies are purely
splatstick or “dumb comedy.” While
there is definitely a place for both of those styles, and both of these films
embrace those elements, thankfully they also have brains…and not just the ones
being devoured. Both flicks also
feature relatable, well-rounded characters.
The Revenant, in particular, had sequences that left me thinking “that’s
EXACTLY what me and my friends would do in that situation." I think I need new friends. Anyway, I laughed hysterically at both of
these, and I’m picky as hell about my comedy.
It’s the perfect ZomCom double feature.

8. Sinister

Take a bunch of tried and true horror tropes, throw in a
couple of original ideas and interesting visual flares, and you’ve got the
makings of a nice little creepfest. I
just saw this one last night, and it was a great way to close out my viewing
year. Yes, it’s painfully obvious where
it’s going, but getting there is an entertaining ride. There is some excellent spooky imagery. Ethan Hawke does a good job in the
lead. There is even come awesome comic
relief embedded in the dialog. The
“bedroom argument” scene had me rolling.
Plus, Mr. Boogie is just plain cool looking. I’ve seen this film compared to Insidious in some reviews, but
Sinister is the superior of the two in every way. What really cemented this flick’s place on the list however, is
that – I can’t believe I’m gonna admit this – this was the only movie I saw in
a theater this year that actually got me with a jump scare. In fact, it got me twice. One of them I even saw coming a mile away
and it still worked. Well played
gentlemen, well played.

7. Cell Count

Body horror came back in a big way this year, with Cell
Count being one of the films leading the charge. We can all relate to the fear of our own bodies turning against
us and the unease of not really understanding what our doctor is doing to
us. Cell Count plays on these very real
fears with a clinical ferocity. This
kind of claustrophobic ensemble piece requires good performances all around to
work, and this cast definitely comes through.
I’m a sucker for mad scientists, and Dr. Victor Brandt is the best one
since Dr. Heiter. Director Todd E
Freeman mainly sticks with practical effects, and when he does, they’re
imaginative and messy. By never
revealing too much at one time, the film creates some real tension while still
providing sick jollies for the gorehounds, which is a balance many can’t
manage. This refreshingly “old school”
combination of the prison/isolation and disease/infection subgenres really gets
under your skin.

6. The Collective Volume 4

Some of the best, most innovative filmmaking going on today
can be found in short films.
Unfortunately, they’re criminally underseen because, outside of
festivals, they don’t really have a showcase.
JABB Pictures is changing that with their Collective series. The Concept: ten filmmakers each make a ten-minute
film based around a central theme. It’s
basically an indie horror sampler platter.
JABB released volumes 3-5 of the series this year; and Volume 4, with
each film tackling a different emotion, proved to be the epitome of what the
series is all about. From the gritty,
nihilistic realism of Luke 1:71 to the gross out excesses of Epidemic to the
faux grindhouse madness of Bloody Hooker Bang Bang: A Love Story, this one
truly has something to scratch everyone’s particular
macabre itch. The Collective series
gets my vote as the best horror value for your buck on the indie market right
now, and Volume 4 is the best of the bunch…so far.

Come back tomorrow for 5-1.

UPDATE: - Nazis at the Center of the Earth, A Little Bit Zombie, and The Revenant are all available on Netflix or on DVD/Blu Ray.- Cell Count is available on itunes, Amazon instant, VUDU, Playstation Network, XBox Live, and just about every other VOD service you can think of.- All 5 Volumes of The Collective are available athttp://www.jabbpictures.com. They're just 10 bucks each, or get all 5 (that's over 8 hours) for $40.- Sinister, well, you shouldn't have a hard time finding that one.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

For the past two years, this is where I've been Mr. Positive and said “I don’t care
if everyone else is proclaiming that this was an abysmal year for the horror
genre, I thought it was great.” This
year, however, I’m on the “damn, it really was a bad horror year” side. Don’t get me wrong, 2012 definitely produced
some great flicks, but man did it give us a lot of foul film feces too. I’ll happily take one for the team and sift
through it all for you though, Cellmates; because I believe the old adage that
without the dark, there is no light.
Without a villain, there can be no hero.
Without nu-metal, there can be no real metal. In the world of horror flicks, it means that without
sifting through a multitude of sucktitude, you wouldn’t find those precious
nuggets of badassery. I’m gonna share
said badass nuggets with you starting tomorrow, but first, I would be remiss if
I didn’t at least try to save you the trouble of watching these five atrocities. Ladies, gentlemen, and everything in between…I
present to you The Five Worst Horror Flicks Of 2012.

5. Detention

This is a very divisive movie. It’s actually showing up on a lot of top 10
lists, but it lands on my worst flicks list for one main reason…I find most
hipsters unbearably annoying. Therefore,
by proxy, I hate hipster humor and hipster movies like Napoleon Dynamite, Juno,
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, and Detention.
If hipsterism ever truly becomes mainstream, then this is what will
happen to horror cinema. That
absolutely cannot be allowed to happen. It’s
a film awash in that style of comedy that continually pokes the audience to say
“Hey, did ‘ya see that? Wasn’t it
funny?” If you have to do that, then no,
it wasn’t. Basically, this flick is
trying way too hard for snarky coolness.
It’s the cinematic equivalent of that 12 year old sporting a brand new
“distressed look” Pink Floyd ’73 tour shirt his parents paid 35 bucks for at
Hot Topic.

To be fair, it did have one inspired sequence (the detention
room parade of teen eras), but getting to the end of this one became a war of
attrition against the movie itself. If
you want to see how it’s possible cram as many references as possible into a
flick and actually be funny about it, then watch The FP. Otherwise, just find a couple of those guys with
the skinny jeans and meticulously disheveled hair, get them jacked up on
cocaine (note: it might have to be soy-coke) and whatever energy drink the
mainstream hasn’t caught onto yet, then listen to them argue for an hour and a
half. That would be roughly the same
experience as watching Detention.

4. The Devil Inside

I just went back and looked at my initial review of this
flick from January, and I was WAY too generous.
I gave it one severed thumb up.
What the hell was I thinking? I
still stand by my opinion that there is a 20 minute or so stretch of this film
that is pretty good. Unfortunately, it’s
preceded by an unoriginal and entirely tepid first hour. What follows the good portion is what makes
it deserving of the vitrol spewed at it by horror fans and its place on this
list though; the worst rip-off ending of the year. Hell, it might be the worst ending in horror
history. It just stopped. No logical
conclusion, no closure, no well crafted cliffhanger, nothing. It just stops. They actually expected viewers to go to the
film’s website for the rest of the story.
As I said in my original review, “Screw that, screw you, screw your
ending; and god help us, if that was your way of setting up a sequel, screw The
Devil Inside Strikes Back too!”

3. Cold Creepy Feeling

I hate deriding this kind of micro-budget “labor of love”
type of flick, but this one was just plain boring. The problem was that NOTHING happened. For the first half hour, we watch tedious
vacation style “found footage” of a couple driving to their new house. Then we watch as they explore the grounds and
settle in. Then they start in on a
little hanky panky in a haunted house.
Time for the spooky stuff to kick in right? Not by a long shot. A spider pulls a little coitus interruptus,
and the couple goes to a bar for the next 10 minutes. When they get home, the girl has a slightly
unsettling dream, so we’re treated to them spending 8 more minutes taking turns
reading from an online paranormal forum.
Get the picture? When the film
finally gets to the point in the last 10 minutes, it’s too little too late. The title is the only cold, creepy feeling to
be had here. For the record, this was my
first, and to date only, actual two severed thumbs down review.

2. Chernobyl
Diaries

You know that third person shaky cam that I always bitch
about? This is the epitome of everything
I loathe about that style. Honestly, after
watching the trailer, how many of you thought this was a found footage
flick? Yeah, I did too. It’s not, but it’s shot like one. Why would anyone do that you ask? For the same reason most movies employ this
cheap blight on modern cinematography; they’re attempting to create artificial
action and tension to cover up for the fact that the filmmakers failed to
create any within the actual story. That
alone would be enough to call it one of the worst flicks of the year. But wait, there’s more.

Leah, my most frequent movie watching companion, is my scare
meter. She’s a pretty easy startle. After thousands of horror flicks and almost
20 years in the haunt business, I’m too jaded to be a good judge of the
effectiveness of jump scares, so I use her for that purpose. She didn’t jump once. If you can’t get a rise out of her, you have
officially failed in the scare department.
That’s still not the end of the suckage to be had here.

Chernobyl Diaries had one thing, and only one thing, going
for it; that great setting. Chernobyl
is creepy as hell. So what did the
filmmakers do? They set the second half
of the flick in a dark underground labyrinth, effectively nullifying the one selling
point of the film. While we were in the
ruined city, it was at least kinda cool to look at. Then again, as spastic as the camera was during
all of the “action,” we wouldn’t have been able to get a good look at anything
anyway. Chernobyl
is a killer setting for a horror movie.
Hopefully someone makes a decent one there someday. I saw this one at the discount theater, where
tickets are $1.99, and still felt ripped off.

And the winner, er, loser...

1. Area 407

I should have known better.
I told myself that I wasn’t going to subject myself to any more found
footage movies outside of the PA series.
I loathe the vast majority of them.
Notice how 3 of my top 5 are found footage flicks and one might as well
have been? Point made. How did they get me to break my oath and
watch a FFF? They promised me dinosaurs. It had to be dinosaurs. You bastards.
Dinosaurs are, like Nazis, bad movie kryptonite to the Son of Celluloid. I love dinosaurs. Led by my dino-love, I gave this flick a
chance against my better judgment. Wouldn’t
you know it, it turned out to be a bait and switch. There are less than 10 seconds of dinosaur
footage in this movie. Yes, less than 10
seconds. To make matters worse, every last
shot of the dinosaur(s?) is in the damn trailer! It’s a dinosaur-less dinosaur movie. So, if less than .1% - not 1% mind you, but
POINT ONE PERCENT - of this flick contains
dinosaurs, then what in the green hell could the rest of the movie possibly consist
of?

After the plane crash 15 minutes in, it’s 75 minutes of
people pointing into the darkness and screaming “What was that?” and “Did you
see that?” Yes, that’s really all it
is. The whole point of a FFF is realism,
right? Well, let’s just say that you’re
in a large, dark area with unknown monsters and someone panics, points into the
darkness, and yells “what the hell is that?” What would you do
instinctively? Right, you’d look too. Not in this flick. The camera never leaves the
survivors. Never. It’s painfully obvious that the camera operators
were instructed to do everything in their power not to catch any of the action,
or anything interesting at all for that matter, in the frame. All of the deaths occur offscreen. Yup, every last one of ‘em. Literally all we see is annoying characters
yelling at each other, pointing at things we don’t get to see, freaking out,
crying, and running in the dark. It’s as
if someone bet the director that he couldn’t make a movie entirely out of
reaction shots.

What we end up with is a movie that not only epitomizes
every overwrought, overdone, and played out weakness of the found footage
subgenre; but cheats the viewer out of the promised hook, which was the only
reason to watch the movie in the first place.
Congratulations Area 407, you are the worst horror movie of the
year. Think about that for a
minute. You were worse than every remake
released in 2012. You were worse than
every neutered PG-13 teen thriller that the major studios vomited forth this
year. In fact, you are the first indie
flick that this staunch indie horror supporter has named “Worst Horror Flick of
the Year!” I would much rather slap Hollywood
around, so don’t ever make me do that again, please. Basically, I can sum up my feelings about
Area 407 with a quote from a REAL dinosaur
movie…”That is one big pile of shit!”

Sunday, December 23, 2012

I love the concept here, but it wasn’t executed very well.
I’ve always defended shaky-cam if it’s “first person,” but this one takes it a
little far. There are a couple of good performances scattered throughout, and
there’s plenty of nudity, but most of the stories are average at best. Segment
three has some laughs, and segment five is far and away the best one despite
the bad CGI effects. Half of a severed thumb up.

Silent Night:

Forget for a second that it’s a remake, this is a cool
little slasher flick. The kills are creative, even if they do occasionally
feature some obligatory bad CGI. The references to the original are well
played. Aside from a couple of weak moments, the cinematography is first
rate.This just might become part of my
annual Ghoultide viewing. Did I mention that I love Malcolm McDowell? One and a
half severed thumbs up.

Creep Van:

Sometimes a film isn’t all that good, but it’s a lot
of fun. Such is the case here. The best part of the flick is the killer
practical gore effects. The worst part is what comes in between them. Luckily
the mayhem never lets up for too long. The production quality is pretty high;
and the acting quality is pretty low.If you’ve got a taste for cheese, it’s a great “drinking with friends”
movie.One severed thumb up.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

A lot of folks seem to think that if a flick is subversive,
it’s automatically good. Not the case. This flick is extremely repetitive, and
that, not the subject matter, is what made it hard to watch after a while. What
did make it watchable was an outstanding performance by lead actress Rodleen
Getsic in a very demanding role. For a much better film in a similar thematic
vein, see In a Glass Cage. 1 severed thumb up.

Absentia:

Absentia has a slow building, creepy atmosphere that never
relents. It also had that rarity of rarities in horror nowadays, a
multidimensional heroine that the audience can actually get behind. The “is it
real, or is it all in her mind” conceit is handled far better than I’ve seen in
a while. It may sound odd, but I do kinda wish they had left the whole thing
even more unexplained. One and a half severed thumbs up.

Cell Count:

This mix of body horror and prison flick hits the mark. The
stark white sets create an effective cold, clinical atmosphere. Plus, they’re a
good backdrop for the messy effects. The cast is solid, especially Christopher
Tonye as Dr. Victor Brandt, the best evil scientist since Dr. Heiter. The
ending went a smidge haywire, but it looks to be setting up for a sequel, so
I’ll go with it. One and a half severed thumbs up.

Citadel:

Citadel had a good setup (that needle stabbing was
pretty cringe inducing), and the bleak urban landscape is a great setting
visually, but it fizzled fast. The problem with this flick is that they made
the protagonist, who looks like a strung out Harry Potter, such a whiney bitch
that it’s near impossible to root for him. The priest is a fun character
though.It’s well shot, but sadly
boring. One severed thumb down.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Ok Cellmates, here’s the deal.I have a hell of a lot of movies to get through before the end of
the year.I’m one of those bloggers who
feels the need to see everything that I can get my hands on before I make the
obligatory “best and worst flicks of 2012” lists.Otherwise, mediocre movies sneak their way onto the lists, and we
can’t have that, now can we?I’ll write
full reviews of some of them, but there’s no way in hell I could do them
all.Therefore, for the duration of my
“procrastination penance horror gauntlet,” I’ll be writing a lot of 420
reviews.

If you weren’t here for my previous 420 reviews, I’ll
explain.Back before SOC was born, I
wrote mini reviews on Facebook.At that
time, statuses had a 420 character limit.Summing up my thoughts on a flick in exactly 420 characters became a
word game.Plus, it’s fun confusing the
stoners who saw the title and were expecting something completely
different.So, I return to the format
from time to time either when I don’t have much to say about a movie (which, as
we all know, is a Tales From The Quadead Zone level rarity), it’s already been
reviewed to death, or I’m pressed for time, which is the case right now.So, without further ado…

Detention:

All “meta” movies have the stink of hipster on them to some
degree, but that’s pretty much all Detention is. This high school
comedy/horror/sci-fi hybrid mess offers the occasional laugh or good line, but
that’s about it.Constant ironic 90s
pop culture references don’t equal funny. Kudos for having the balls to name
drop Scream while badly ripping it off though. At least the cast is
decent.1 severed thumb down.

A Little Bit Zombie:

A horror comedy with brains. I know, that was bad.The whole cast is on point, and there’s some
choice dialog. I could have gone for a little more gore and focus on the horror
elements, but it’s funny enough to overlook that.Keen eyed viewers will pick up quite a few Evil Dead influences.
Plus, we get an appearance from Kurgan. Probably the best horredy I’ve seen so
far this year. One and a half severed thumbs up.

Excision:

If David Lynch and David Cronenberg codirected a high
school coming of age movie, this is what would happen. A great supporting cast
of genre veterans compliments a powerhouse performance by AnnaLynne McCord.
Some of the imagery is deliciously bizarre. It’s part creepy, part funny, and
part touching. If Richard Bates Jr. keeps making flicks like this, he has a
bright future in cinematic horror. Two severed thumbs up.

Monday, December 17, 2012

This movie is called Crack Whore. There. I probably don’t
even need to write a review now. That’s
one of those titles that, upon hearing it, you already know if you want to see
it or not. If you’re still reading
this, you’re probably the type of sicko that would dig this movie. How do I know? Because everyone else has already said “Ugh, Crack Whore? I would never watch a movie with a name like
that.” Therefore, if you’re waiting to
hear my thoughts on Crack Whore, you’d probably like it. In the words of Jabba the Hutt, you’re my
kind of scum. But they don’t pay me the
big bucks to not… bahahahaha… sorry, I couldn’t even type that with a straight
face. Let’s try that again. But you
don’t come here for me to just say “the title says it all,” so let’s break this
sucker down, shall we?

Synopsis: The story of a Crack addicted prostitute named
Honey. A girl who goes to a party out in the desert where she falls victim to
drugs and gang rape. Spoon feeding herself crack, Honey decides to settle the
score.

I do believe that this movie has ushered in a whole new
subgenre of exploitation cinema; the rape revenge comedy. Yes, the rape revenge comedy. Actually, the flick is mainly a comedy about dirty, drugged out hicks and hookers out in the desert that’s book-ended by a rape
revenge story. As we all know, I’m
notoriously picky about my comedy, especially my low brow comedy. I will admit, when I saw that the flick was
from a company called Fart House Cinema, I was a little worried. My worried were unfounded, however, because
Crack Whore definitely made me laugh.
Hard.

My favorite scene has to be the POV rape scene. It was, hands down, the most hilarious rape
scene in movie history. On the list of
sentences I never imagined that I would ever type, that last one is pretty
high. Anyway, the best part of that
scene, and for my money the best part of the whole flick, is George Troester’s
performance as Cornfed. From the rape
scene on, I don’t think there was a moment he was on screen when I wasn’t
laughing. Most of the dialog in the
film has a very improvised feel. If it
was improvised, then the actors deserve a LOT of credit for some of the lines
they came up with. If it wasn’t
improvised, then writer/director Lance Polland deserves massive credit for
writing some hilarious stuff and the actors get credit for making it seem so
natural. Either way, the actors get
major kudos. Even with the characters
that I didn’t find all that funny, like Bubba Ray, the performers, in this case
Christopher Raff, are to be commended for their dedication to their roles,
because they certainly do play them to the hilt.

The yucks aren’t all the movie has to offer though. There’s some nice low budget gore once the
“revenge” portion kicks in. I know I
focused on the rapists earlier, but leading lady Julianne Tura and supporting
redneck David C Hayes both bring a lot to the proceedings. Director Polland makes the absolute most of
the desert location, which looks great.
There are a couple of really cool camera angles used. I won’t give away the best shot, but I will
say that it happens during a disemboweling.
You’ll know the one I’m talking about when you see it. There are also the tits, which are always a plus,
especially in a welcome psychedelic interlude.
The soundtrack is perfectly chosen and used to accentuate the white
trash rocker feeling of the film. Don’t
read that as a knock on the music. I
really liked the music. It’s probably
got the best raunch-rock soundtrack since Dear God No. Here’s how you know a soundtrack is good; I
rewound the credits just so I could google the bands.

My only real quibbles with Crack Whore are some pacing
issues. A couple of scenes just go on a
little too long. For instance, I’m cool
with Honey having a dance scene on the pool table. But, if it’s gonna go on for almost three minutes, no matter how
hot she is (and make no mistake about it, she is pretty damn hot), nudity is
required. That’s just the law of the
exploitation jungle. She got naked
later, so I’m curious as to why she didn’t in that scene. Not that it wasn’t a - let’s just say -
“enjoyable” scene, it just needed a payoff.
The Happy Land scene, however, drug.
It had good music, but it took too long getting where it needed to go
and got repetitive. Aside from that,
the only issues are the kind of questionable details that may or may not have
been intentional; like why did her bruises wash off in the shower and, if she
just got gang raped, why are her panties still on?

Crack Whore is exactly what it sounds like, a sleazy
exploitation flick that isn’t meant to be taken even remotely seriously. It’s more Dumb and Dumber than Ms. 45, but I
respect that. It would have been easy
to follow the well-trodden I Spit On Your Grave path, but I’m glad the makers
of this film, many of whom were involved in the making of Bloody Bloody Bible
Camp (which, after watching this flick, I really need to see), took the road
less traveled. A rape revenge comedy
may sound like a far-fetched concept, but I’m glad the makers of this film took
a crack at it. One and a half severed
thumbs up. Nathan says check it out.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Either Christmas is fast approaching, or mankind really
should have been my business, or Tiny Tim REALLY needs that operation, or
something, because The Ghost Of Horror Past has visited me yet again.This time around the spirit has taken the
form of Breaking Glass Pictures.As I
look around, I realize that I have been whisked away to the days of big box
VHS, slasher flicks, and scream queens.Yes folks, we’re headed to the 80’s.Please spirit, show me more…

Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer.What do these three women have in
common?If you said that they all
participated in my What Halloween Means To Me event…well, you’d be wrong.Only Brinke Stevens and Linnea Quigley did
that, but hey, two out of three ain’t bad.Unfortunately, Michelle Bauer never got back to me.Maybe next year.Anyway, the answer that I was looking for is that these three
women are the lovely subjects of a documentary entitled Screaming in High
Heels: The Rise and Fall of the Scream Queen Era.Yes Cellmates, these are the women that defined what it meant to
be a scream queen, and they’re finally being given their proper respect.The flick follows the careers of the
gruesome threesome from their beginnings in the film industry, some by design
and some by accident, through their glory days in the 80’s, through the “scream
queen dark ages” of the late 90’s, and into their resurgence in popularity
today.

If you grew up on 80’s horror cinema, then the three afore
mentioned ladies need no introduction.The flicks they’ve been in read like a “Must See” list from the video
store era. Nightmare Sisters and Sorority Babes in the Slimeball
Bowl-o-rama may be the only two movies to feature all three of them, but Hollywood
Chainsaw Hookers, Silent Night Deadly Night, Haunting Fear, Return of the
Living Dead, Demonwarp, Evil Toons, Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity, Night of
the Demons, and literally hundreds more feature at least one of these
ladies.We’ve seen them die, we’ve seen
them kill, and for many of us growing up in the days of VHS, we became men
watching them undress.

The documentary is very well done.The three actresses are, of course, interviewed extensively.They’re all very candid, not only talking
about their glory days, but also holding nothing back on subjects like the
effects of aging on their careers and those thatthey feel are merely pretenders to the “scream queen” title.Additional interviews with filmmakers like David
DeCoteau and Fred Olen Ray (another What Halloween Means To Me alumni) are very
informative, shedding a lot of light on the way these films were made.There are plenty of clips from the movies
themselves (offering up the prerequisite blood and boobs), as well as some cool
footage of the ladies at conventions, accepting awards, being on the news, and
meeting heads of state.

This isn’t the first time that director Jason Paul Collum
has taken on the subject of women in horror.In 2003 he made another documentary about horror actresses called Something
to Scream About, hosted by Brinke Stevens.While I do like that documentary (aside from one of the worst closing
credits songs in the history of closing credits), this one shows a lot of
growth from him.While STSA
followed the “Brinke introduces a topic, the talking heads sound off on it,
repeat” format, Screaming in High Heels carries a really nice through
line.I don’t know about the current
availability of his earlier documentary, but I have it on one of those cheap
Brentwood 4 movie collections called Skinned Alive.Its “disc-mate” is the infamous, hilarious, and
only-watchable-when-heavily-intoxicated Midnight Skater.You know, I need to review that
sometime.It’s Suburban Sasquatch bad.

Just like Something to Scream About, Screaming in High
Heels is short, running just over an hour.I keep debating with myself over whether or not this constitutes a valid
gripe with the flick.When it was over,
I was left a little unsatisfied just because I wanted more.The problem is, the doc is so well paced and
constructed, and the subject is so thoroughly covered, that I don’t know what
else could have been included that wouldn’t have stuck out as filler.On the one hand, I think it’s the perfect
length to tell this story, but I was disappointed that it was over so
soon.At least there is additional
interview footage included as DVD extras to prolong your pleasure.

Some of my favorite horror discs to be released in the
last few years has come out of this wave of really good horror documentaries
that’s been going on lately.Screaming
in High Heels is a fun trip, albeit a quick one, that definitely deserves a
place in the “nonfiction” section of your genre collection.If you’ve followed Brinke, Linnea, and
Michelle’s careers, or 80’s horror in general, there’s not a lot here that you
don’t already know, but it’s cool to hear the stories first hand.In a world where every chick with one
z-movie and a headshot to her credit thinks she’s a Scream Queen, Screaming
in High Heels reminds us of who really wears the crown.Long live the true Queens.One and a half severed thumbs up.Nathan says check it out.

Friday, December 14, 2012

With it being Christmas season and all, I guess it’s apropos
that none other than The Ghost of Horror Past recently visited me. He awoke me from my slumber and showed me
visions of what horror entertainment was like in the old days in an effort to
convince me to change my ways. “Why
Nathan, whatever are you talking about?
What ways of yours could possibly need mending?” you might ask. Well Cellmates, I have a confession to
make. One area of genre history where
my knowledge is frightfully lacking is classic horror hosts. You know, the regional kind. I’ve never lived in a market where we had
one. Here in Atlanta we had my hero Joe
Bob Briggs in the mid to late 90’s, but that was on TNT, so it was
national. Every now and then I’d see
Elvira, but Movie Macabre was syndicated.
Now don’t get me wrong, my idol and my dream woman are the two greatest
horror hosts in history, but there’s something about the mystique of the local
horror host. By the time I became a
horror fan, the golden age of the horror host had passed. Atlanta (or North Carolina while I lived
there) never had a guy like Ghoulardi in Cleveland, Zacherle in Philly and NYC,
or Morgus the Magnificent in New Orleans.
Hell, I’ve toyed with the idea of trying to become one myself. I always say I’m gonna further my education
about the men and women who chilled the late night airwaves, but I will admit
to being remiss on that. I know, I
know. Bad Son of Celluloid.

Well The Ghost of Horror Past, in the guise of November Fire
Recordings, bestowed upon me a wondrous gift.
Yes, by the way, that’s the same November Fire of badass t-shirt
fame. Anyway, they sent me a killer DVD
entitled The Complete Bob Wilkins Creature Features. What? You’re not familiar
with Bob Wilkins? Don’t feel bad, I
wasn’t either. Let me give you a little
introduction.

This is Bob Wilkins.
He was a horror host. Everybody
say “Hi Bob.” In 1966, he began hosting
“Seven Arts Theater” for KCRA in Sacramento.
He became so popular that it was renamed “The Bob Wilkins Show” and ran
until 1970. He showed horror, sci-fi,
and fantasy movies; along with comedy segments, Outer Limits episodes, and
interviews. He then moved to KTVU out
of Oakland, where he hosted “Creature Features” from 1971-1979. He handed over the reins to John Stanley and
went to KTXL, once again in Sacramento, where “The Bob Wilkins Horror Show” ran
until 1981. In the ensuing years,
Wilkins would host quite a few one off specials and appear at many conventions. Horror kids in California, Oregon, and parts
of Nevada all grew up on Bob Wilkins.
He is beloved among the west coast horror faithful that were lucky
enough to catch his show, and it’s not hard to see why.

Simply put, this guy is f’n awesome. Wilkins had a very unique style. Whereas most horror hosts are over the top
characters, he was a normal, soft spoken, unassuming guy in a rocking chair
with thick rimmed glasses and an ever present cigar. I like that unique approach.
He had a dry wit. A very dry
wit. Bone dry. Mummy’s desert tomb dry. Drier than a nun’s…well, you get the
idea. Despite this low-key manner, he
had an magnetic charisma and an affable screen presence. He’s just plain fun to watch. Creature Features showed a lot of
stinkers. When showing fare like Attack
of the Mushroom People, Sampson vs. The Vampire Women, or Vengeance of
Fu-Manchu; Wilkins, much like Elvira, would constantly joke about how bad the
flicks were. It’s hilarious listening
to him, calmly and matter-of-factly, describing how he decided to retire after
having to put you, the viewer, through Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s
Daughter and Billy the Kid vs. Dracula in the same night. Luckily his family
talked him out of it because they didn’t want him to return to their car wash.
The flicks weren’t all bad though. He
also showed some of the greats, including a lot of 50s sci-fi gems, Universal
monster classics, and Hammer films. In
fact, he presented Night of the Living Dead uncut on Sunday January 1st 1972,
just 27 months after its release, making him the first horror host to show it.
For what it’s worth, I’ve also heard Count Gore De Vol claim to have been the
first. No matter if the flick was a
winner, or if he was telling you not to bother staying up because that week’s
movie wasn’t worth it (he knew you were gonna stick around anyway), he always
encouraged monster kids with his motto “Watch Horror Films – Keep America
Strong.” Also, for the record, he had a
bitchin’ theme song. Here, check this
out…

See? Good stuff, huh?
I told you. If what you just saw
made you laugh and say, “Wow, I bet that was a cool show,” then you definitely
need to see The Complete Bob Wilkins Creature Features. This is not a documentary, as I originally
thought it was going to be. Instead,
it’s more of a video scrapbook. It’s an
awesome collection of clips from the show, interviews with Bob, Bob’s
interviews with the luminaries of horror, vintage horror trailers, and various
other images and videos from Wilkins’ entire television run. While all of this is going on, a list of
every episode, its original airdate, and the movies shown is constantly running
on the bottom of the screen. More than
once I found myself thinking, “What? It
took me forever to track that flick down, and these lucky bastards got to see
it on regular TV?” It really is a fun
watch.

The interviews are probably my favorite part of the
package. We get to see Bob conduct what
might have been Boris Karloff’s final on screen interview. That particular interview is made even
better when Wilkins tells the story behind it.
We also get to see the absolutely dumbfounded look on William Marshall’s
face when Bob asks him to reassure people that there are, indeed, some white
people in Blacula. Marshall has
absolutely no idea what to make of Wilkins, and it’s gloriously awkward. I think my favorite interview, though, is
from a press junket for Animal House.
Bob interviews John Landis, John Belushi, and Donald Sutherland. He starts asking Landis about Schlock and
Sutherland about Castle of the Living Dead and Dr. Terror’s House of
Horrors. They both try to steer the
conversation back to Animal House repeatedly, but Bob pretty much ignores
Belushi (except to tell him that his show is on opposite SNL). As he continues
promoting Landis’s The Incredible Shrinking Woman and Sutherland’s Invasion of
the Body Snatchers, you can see Belushi get angrier and more agitated as the
interview goes on. I laughed ‘til it
hurt. It was interesting, though, that
when asked where he goes after being in a Spiderman comic book, Belushi
prophetically replies ““Nothing. That’s it for me. Death. A horrible death.” Um, wow.

For those who grew up with Creature Features,
obviously this will be a fun nostalgia trip.
That kinda goes without saying.
I didn’t grow up on Creature Features though. Hell, I was only one year old when it ended. My lack of a frame of reference didn’t make
it any less entertaining. In fact, it
added a whole new level to the viewing experience; it was a history lesson in
the way horror movies were once presented on TV. Since receiving this DVD from November Fire, I’ve watched it
multiple times, and I pick up on something new with every viewing. This DVD carries the Son of Celluloid’s
highest possible recommendation. Watch
The Complete Bob Wilkins Creature Features, and keep America strong. Two severed thumbs up. Nathan says check it out.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I still love zombies. I always have, and I always will. There are a lot of people, however, who
would have you believe that everything that can be done in the zombie genre has
been done. The Collective begs to
differ. According to JABB Pictures,
there’s life left in the old, shambling, desiccated corpse yet; and they’re out
to prove it with The Collective Volume 5.
You Cellmates already know of my love for JABB and these collections. You also know what the deal is with these by
now, but for those new to this Dead Man’s Party (admit it, it’s stuck in your
head now, isn’t it?), here’s how this goes.
10 different filmmakers (actually, 8 this time around) are given a
central theme. For Vol. 5, it’s zombies. They each produce a 10-minute short
film giving their take on the concept. So, did Jason and crew breathe new life
into a tired genre, or are they just beating a dead horse? Let’s see…

Marauders – Jason Hoover

In the aftermath of the
zombie apocalypse, a group of psychos terrorize the survivors. Jason
Hoover’s are usually among my favorite entries in these Collective collections,
but this one was all style over substance.
Visually, it’s got a cool idea, with everything in black and white
except certain colorized characters or items.
As usual, Jason shows he knows how to move the camera and compose a shot
well. The problem is that nothing much
happens. There are some really nice
touches that make the Marauders creepy and interesting, but we spend way too
much of this watching them driving around hoopin’ and hollerin’. When the mayhem finally does start, it’s of
the “out of frame” variety. I like the
look, but a story, or at least a clear concept, would have been nice. It’s also the least “zombierific” of the
bunch, as we never see a zombie., and it actually could have taken place in any
post-apocalyptic setting. There is one
line in particular that is REALLY funny though.

Voice Over – Arsonist Pictures

A man is bitten by a
zombie, and as the change takes hold, that inner voice just won’t leave him
alone. That’s gonna make his date
tonight a little awkward. I loved this one. I’m a big fan of animated opening credit sequences, a-la Night of
the Demons or Blacula, so I knew when I saw one that this was gonna be good. While I could do without the occasional “same shot/jump cut” thing, everything else
was perfect. The verbal interplay
between out protagonist and his inner zombie voice was hilarious and played
very well by Noah East. The comic
timing is on point. In fact, the people
I watched it with and I imitated that voice for days. Very well done horror comedy, and definitely the best use of the
Zombie theme. One of the two major
highlights of this volume. I wouldn’t
mind seeing a sequel to this.

They Said They Were Here To Help – Over Analyzed Productions

When a strange plague
begins, a freelance journalist finds himself in the middle of a government
cover up. This is a case study in how to pick a great
location and squeeze every last bit production value out of it. It ends up looking way better than it
probably should for the budget. While
his climactic monolog seems somewhat forced, Collective veteran Brad Scaggs
does a good job in the lead role. The
atmosphere reminded me a little bit of the original 1973 The Crazies. By the way, if your goal with the name of
your production company was an inside joke on us reviewers, then well played
Over Analyzed. Well played.

Consumption of the Heart – Copp Films

A couple’s romantic
flame has fizzled…until they discover that a mysterious plague is also a potent
aphrodisiac. This is the other big highlight. I dig this kind of psychosexual stuff a lot,
but too often it’s done completely from the crotch and less from the brain or
heart. While it’s certainly the most
erotically charged entry in the series to date, it is also an intelligently
told “love” story. It works on a “blood
and tits” level, but it also works on an “exploration of how mankind, stripped
of their limits, will follow desire to the point of self destruction”
level. Visually, I was impressed by the
use of color. Some scenes have a bit of
a middle-period Argento look to them.
Could Italian horror have been an influence? The Cat in the Brain poster on the bedroom wall says maybe. The strength of The Collective is that
different filmmakers get to show off their unique styles, and this one
certainly has a lot of style. Great
stuff.

A(Gore) aphobic - Quattro Venti Scott
Productions

During the zombie outbreak, a woman trapped all alone in her apartment
does her best not to lose her mind. With the
exception of a couple of scenes of the zombies outside (which are probably the
best looking zoms in this collection), we spend the entire time in the
apartment watching our heroine slowly lose it.
With a movie of this sort, you have to have a great performance out of
your main actress. Now don’t get me
wrong, Athena Prychodko is good, and she would have been fine in a normal role,
but one written this introspectively required a little heavier dramatic lifting
than she could pull off here. If she
had been given a little more to do, it might have worked a lot better. Also, those pesky sound level issues rear
their ugly heads here.

Zombie Soup – Liberty or Death
Productions

A bunch of people, including some of the Collective filmmakers, answer
questions about the zombie phenomenon. This is where this
volume really heads off the rails and careens downhill for me. In all of the previous editions, there were
entries that I loved and entries I hated, but they were all artistic endeavors
and felt like the filmmaker actually had something to say. For the first time, I feel like the
Collective has filler. This ten-minute
talking head segment offers up a couple of laughs (certainly NOT the lame
political jokes); but – if anything - this should have been a bonus feature on
the disc rather than one of the shorts.
It feels like they were short a segment and had to whip one up right
quick. Honestly, as I watched it, I was
shocked that this made it in.

(se)XX
_ Z(ombie) – Silence in the Dead of Light

What’s
a group of gals to do for sexual satisfaction in the age of zombies? Well, they could take care of each other…or
they could use the ghoulish dudes locked in the basement as undead sex toys. This is a pretty cool concept; an old school silent movie with
old school silent movie music and old school silent movie title cards. The whole “zombie sex slave” idea is pretty
cool too. Unfortunately, the possibilities
presented by that central conceit are barely explored. True, the proceedings are livened up by some
zombie sex and a hilariously awkward “lesbian scene” (if you can call it that)
between two ladies that seem like they’d rather be doing anything else besides
said scene, but way too much time goes to watching zombies in their tighty
whiteys milling about. I wish the
actual relationship and conflict between all of the girls had taken center
stage more. It does show progression as
a filmmaker on the part of Athena Prychodko since her contribution to Vol. 3,
so I’m interested to see where she goes from here.

Spooky Stuff: The Zombie File –
Liberty or Death Productions

A couple of ghost hunters go to haunted locations looking for
zombies. Um, what? At first I thought this was just a parody of
internet ghost hunting shows. Later, I found
out that these guys do a real internet paranormal investigation show. I wish I had known this was a joke episode
of an actual “reality” series. I would
have understood what was going on better, and I would have seen that godawful
ending coming. Robin is actually a
great personality on the web series, but she doesn’t get a chance to shine
here. The last location they visit, the
100 Steps Cemetery in Brazil, Indiana, has a really cool legend that could
actually be a great basis for a short, but the “ghost hunt” format and overall
jokey tone completely kill it.

The Dead Things Outside Your Door Parts 1 and 2 – Graphik 13

A grumpy electrician must save his ex from a drug dealer and zombies. As with last volume, the last two segments
are actually a two-part flick. I was
hoping for another fun as hell “Bloody Hooker Bang Bang” style romp to salvage
the second half of the collection. I
didn’t get it. What I got instead was
garden-variety splatstick. The opening
title cards and stock footage would have worked much better as a voice
over. I’m sure the style of the humor
will be some folk’s cup of guts, but for me it felt flat and was not quite as
good as I’ve seen from these guys before.
I did enjoy all of the homages (Romero Realty, O’Bannon Construction),
and the callback to Snapcase (Graphik 13’s excellent entry from The Collective
Vol. 2) was awesome. There are a couple
of choice bits of zombie mayhem, but the devil was in the details. You do not bang a foam hammer against a door
if you’re not going to insert the appropriate sounds. Speaking of sound effects, many of them seem to have been chosen
for comic effect, which didn’t work. I
love the old “blood splatters onto the camera lens” gag, but it only works with
practical blood. With CGI, it just
looks cheap. Maybe I’m just being picky
about my comedy, as I tend to do, but this one really didn’t do it for me.

Man,
I hate to say it, but overall this one was a bit of a letdown, especially
considering just how great volumes 1-4 were.
The bad news is that Collective veterans Over Analyzed, Jason Hoover,
Quatro Venti Scott, and Graphik 13, while not all turning in bad entries per se
(They Said They Were Here To Help in particular), each turn in their weakest
work of the series. What makes it worse
is that I know from the other Collectives that all of these guys are capable of
making some killer shorts. How did all
of you have an off day at once? Liberty
or Death, um, I’m not sure what the hell happened there. Did you guys just stop trying, or was it a
“down to the wire, have to turn in something” situation? Either way, their two entries were hands
down the worst of this bunch, and drug the overall average down with them. Silence in the Dead of Light is the only
production group who shows up better than they did before, as (se)XX _ Z(ombie) is a vast
improvement over Jog from vol. 3. This
volume was extremely lopsided, with the four films I really dug being the first
four. After that, it kinda crashed and
burned.

The
good news is that both newcomers to the series, Arsonist Pictures (Joshua Hull)
and Copp Films (Andrew Copp) knock it out of the park. Voice Over and Consumption of the Heart both
actually offer up something rare in the horror market right now, as well as the
idea The Collective Volume 5 was based on…a unique twist on the zombie
genre. Voice Over goes for laughs, and
it delivers. Consumption of the Heart
is more artsy and transgressive, and it succeeds admirably. This was my first exposure to both of these
filmmakers’ work, and I’m excited to see what else they have to offer. Hopefully they will take part in future
Collectives, because these two shorts are fantastic.

I
know I’m being awfully hard on this one.
I remember when I was a kid and my folks used to give me that “If you
were a C student, we’d be happy with these grades, but we know you’re capable
of A’s, so you’re grounded” bullshit.
That’s kinda how I feel about The Collective Volume 5. I think the problem here, and I know for a
fact that at least one person heavily involved in the production feels the same
way, is that it’s a case of burnout. 3 of
these have been released in 9 months.
That’s just too much. Slow
down. Release one every 6 months
maybe. I don’t want to give you the
wrong impression though. It’s still
definitely worth checking out. They
just set the bar so high, especially with Vol. 4, that it’s gonna be tough to
consistently hit that level of badassery.
Trust me, Voice Over and Consumption of the Heart alone would make this
a worthy purchase, especially considering that it’s only 10 bucks. That’s still one of the best horror
entertainment values going. I guess The
Collective is kinda like sex. When it’s
good, it’s great! When it’s sub
par…hell, it’s still pretty good.
One severed thumb up. Nathan
says check it out.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

STOP!!! If you
haven’t read PART 1 of this transcendental journey into the world of modern low
budget exploitation cinema, go do so now.
If you don’t how else are you gonna know that I was watching these out
of my mind on codeine cough syrup (which might as well be orally administered
heroin), tons of cold medicine, and a 104 degree fever. How would you know that I had already
watched Blitzkrieg: Escape From Stalag 69 and The Disco Exorcist? I mean, if you didn’t read part one, you
would have no idea that I was tearing through a stack of flicks sent to me by
Wild Eye Releasing. So you should
really go read part one. On, now that
you went and did that, on with the movies!

If you watch a lot of indie horror cinema, you’ve
undoubtedly run into a few of those “I have a bunch of goth buddies and a
camera” movies. You know, films like
Goth, Hollywood Vampyre, and about half of any Pendulum Pictures box set. I’m always rooting for these pictures, since
I love that DIY sensibility and have a weakness for goth chicks. The problem is, most of the time they’re
impossible to get through. Some of the
worst movies I’ve ever seen fit into the “gothsploitation” subgenre. Luckily, Gothkill was infinitely more
entertaining than your garden-variety black lipstick flick.

Synopsis: When
Catholic Priest and Inquisitor Nicholas Dread finds out that innocents are
being burned as witches he decides to do something about it. Unfortunately for
him, his superiors don’t agree and he’s burned at the stake alongside two women
he forced confessions from. While dying, Nick curses god and makes a pact with
Satan to reign over his own kingdom someday at any cost. Now, in 21st century
New York City, Dread has returned to finish the deal. His end of the bargain
with Satan must be fulfilled, and many will die so Dread can take the throne in
his kingdom of over one hundred thousand corrupt souls. He just has to find the
right bunch of victims…and it just so happens the best Goth Club in the city is
ripe for this bloodthirsty butcher bent on revenge! Can a group of Goths and
wanna-be vampires hold their own when the real thing arrives?

I’ll probably alienate some of you with this statement, but
I find a lot of the people in the goth and fetish scenes absolutely
hilarious. Not in a “oh my god, look at
the freak” way, that would be pretty hypocritical of me, but the ones who take
themselves deadly serious without any sense of humor or irony kill me. The pretentiousness is just too much for me
to take. That’s one of the reasons I
enjoyed this flick so much. Far too
often the “gothsploitation flicks” fall into that pretentious category. Gothkill actually has a sense of humor. These guys don’t mind poking fun at
themselves and the more ridiculous aspects of gothhood. It’s so refreshing to see the subculture
willing to make fun of itself. Anyone
who knows a lot of goths will laugh that “oh my god, that’s just like so and
so” laugh repeatedly. Michael Day as
Lord Walechia is especially hilarious.

The main thing that carries the flick is Flambeaux in the
lead role. Yes, his name is
Flambeaux. Freakin’ goths. Anyway, asinine stage name notwithstanding,
this dude has serious screen presence and a lot of charisma. It’s a trip watching him throw himself into
the role and go balls to the wall with it. He spends a good amount of time
narrating directly to the camera, and he makes it work. It may be the fever (or the drugs) talking,
but I love this guy. Why haven’t more
filmmakers picked up on him?

The flick doesn’t really work as a horror movie, but it does
as a horror comedy. The problem is,
it’s kinda hard to tell how seriously we’re meant to take it. Flambeaux, the goth-skewering comedy, and a
little eye candy are more than enough to gain my favor. Hell, even if it wasn’t, at 75 minutes, it
doesn’t really have time to overstay its welcome. Punched up with more nudity and some more gore beyond the “throw
some Karo around” minimum, this could have been a gem. That’s not to say it’s not entertaining
though. You’ve most definitely seen a
lot worse. Those with ties to the goth
community will enjoy this far more than those just looking for some horror.

By this time, my loopy-ness was reaching its zenith. I soon realized that this put me in the
perfect mindset to watch The Bloody Ape.
How can you not love a flick that advertises itself as “100% Pure
Underground Trash?” Well, it’s pretty
easy, as 99% of intentionally bad underground trash isn’t nearly as much fun as
this, but that’s a rant for another time.
The movie is shot on Super 8mm (mostly expired according to the bonus
features), which normally imbues a flick with a grainy, low-fi, washed out
look. This day, however, it was more of
a hallucinatory quality, like a spectral vision shown to me by the Ghost of
Regional Exploitation Movies Past.

Synopsis: THE
BLOODY APE is the most outrageous, drive-in movie take on Poe's "Murders
in the Rue Morgue" ever committed to film. A carnival barker foolishly
releases his 400 pound gorilla, who then literally goes bananas on a rampage of
raw rape and boffo butchery - leaving the low rent population of Long Island
either sexually violated, slaughtered - or both! From maverick indy filmmaker
Keith J. Crocker (Blitzkrieg: Escape from Stalag 69), THE BLOODY APE is a
gore-soaked love letter to the sex and violence of the grind house movie era
that pulls no punches and offers no apologies for wallowing in a skin-drenched
stew of crudeness and camp! Banned from numerous festivals around the world,
ignored by critics and loathed by the politically correct....but now there just
is no stopping THE BLOODY APE!

I never went more than a couple of minutes without laughing
hysterically. The dialog is
insane. Almost every character is an
over the top parody of a racist, and you will never stop being amazed at the
things coming out of these people’s mouths.
If you’re one of those whiney,
easily offended, politically correct types, stay the hell away from this
movie. The non-racial dialog is just as
funny, with characters spouting lines like “My love for you is as deep and as
wide as the expanses of your vaginal cavity.”
Just so you know, to get that quote, I decided to play a little game. You just read that in the Jigsaw voice,
didn’t you? Couldn’t help yourself,
could ya? Instead of going back to the flick to get the actual verbiage, I
googled “bloody ape vaginal cavity.” I
was either gonna find the quote, or be irreversibly mentally scarred. Luckily the quote came up first, but I don’t
recommend gambling with your sanity like that kids. That could have been traumatic.

The acting is just as outlandish as the lines these “actors”
deliver. As far as I can tell, there
isn’t an actual actor among the bunch.
Well, perhaps the guy who plays Duane
Jones, the token black guy named after the most beloved token black guy in
horror history. He was pretty
good. If you are the type who gets a
kick out of bad acting, this flick just might be the holy grail. Paul Richichi as Lampini is a study in
awkwardness. The scene where Lampini is
running around asking people (who seem to have been recruited on the spot) about
the whereabouts of his ape is hysterical.
George Reis, playing Detective LoBianco in a hilarious wig and fake
beard, is a caricature of every 70’s New York cop movie cliché. The moment when a naked woman is attacked by
the ape, and shows her terror by looking directly into the camera and laughing
just might be the most exquisite example of the fine art of screen acting that
I’ve ever seen. Second take be
damned!

The monkey mayhem is magnificent. Among
his other exploits, our simian friend castrates a hippy, tears a rabbi’s leg
off, and rapes the rabbi’s wife (covering her in his seed, which looks
suspiciously like whipped cream) before gutting her with his bare hands. During the scene with the rabbi’s wife, the
thought of the monkey intoning “Rape Ape” in the “Grape Ape” voice occurred to
me. At that moment, it was the funniest
thing I had ever come up with. I kept
repeating it in my mind and guffawing.
Then I realized I was actually repeating it out loud. I’m glad no one else was there to see that. Anyway, this ape doesn’t limit his
activities to the usual horny and homicidal stuff you’d expect from an
ape. No, monkey man actually steals a
car and goes for a drive. Yep, a
gorilla steals a car. If that’s not
enough to sell you on this one, I don’t know what is. The nudity perhaps?

The Bloody Ape purports to be a throwback to the days of the
drive-in. It’s notable that this movie
was made back in 1997, a full decade before Grindhouse made these homages
trendy. While being shot on film does
lend it the aesthetic of an earlier time, it comes across to me as a throwback
to the 80’s DIY flicks that came out of the initial explosion of the home video
market. You know, those flicks where
you can tell that someone decided to make a movie because they had a camera, an idea,
50 bucks, a bunch of friends and family to be cast and crew, and a weekend
off. I love the homegrown quality of
those flicks, and I love the homegrown quality of this one.

At this point, my brain could take no more input. As the calliope music of The Bloody Ape’s
title screen played, I stared vacantly at the screen trying to make sense of
the last 8 hours or so. It was a heady,
almost psychedelic cocktail of naked women with machine guns, gorillas
committing grand theft auto, vinyl dresses, Nazis, disco, tits, blood, fire,
bad acting, castrations, sex, demons, hilarious dialog, and pure indie horror
madness. Later that night, my fever
finally broke. Coincidence? I think not. Brothers and sisters, I was healed by the power of gore and
sleaze. Hallelujah!

Now, before I wrap up with the severed thumb scores, I have
to mention that Wild Eye did a bang up job with these releases. You wouldn’t expect smaller releases like
these to have a lot in the way of bonus features, but they all come pretty
packed. Hell, The Disco Exorcist is the
sparsest of them all, and it has a commentary track, deleted scene, and all of
the flick’s various trailers. Gothkill
has a video commentary (which is cool, but the little box in the corner of the
flick gets annoying at times), a Q&A with the director, a featurette on the
live experience, and promo materials.
The two Keith Crocker flicks get the full on Special Edition treatment,
with commentaries, retrospective featurettes, shorts, test footage, stills, trailers,
promo materials, VHS covers, and more.
Kudos to Wild Eye for giving you this much bang for your buck. Hit them up on facebook HERE to keep up with
their releases.

Ok folks, the final verdict is…one severed thumb up
for Gothkill and one and a half severed thumbs up for Blitzkrieg, Disco
Exorcist, and Bloody Ape if taken separately.
Two severed thumbs way up if you plan on doing the same marathon I did,
hopefully without the “sick as hell” part.
Nathan says check ‘em all out.