When Feathers Appear…

I’m not sure where I heard it the first time… maybe one of those psychic medium shows.

I’m not sure how much of that stuff I really believe anyway.

Angels? Sure, I think they exist, but are they really trying to send us messages?

Doubtful.

Then again… Maybe so.

I first noticed the feathers as I left the office last Tuesday after discovering that I was spotting. I was in a panic, thinking that I was about to miscarry. I got to my car, and my parking space was covered with feathers.

I really didn’t think much of it, especially considering the state I was in at the time.

The next day, after not miscarrying and subsequently returning to work, I noticed more feathers. In the parking garage, the sidewalk, on my front porch.

I started to think about that saying… “When feathers appear, angels are near.”

It was then that I started to really think that maybe that spotting wasn’t just a fluke. Maybe the feathers were sent by an angel…

It’s only fitting that the day I started seeing the feathers was the day the doctor says my baby stopped growing.

My angel baby.

I’ll never hold that baby, but I feel a connection stronger than with anyone else I know. My angel baby sent me feathers as a sign of peace and happiness and hope for the future.

Like the bird tattooed on my shoulder, and like the precious happy moments of my childhood spent watching the birds flit about, the feathers were a sign that I should be at peace.

There is still hope, and there is happiness to come.

Dr. K was very kind and reassuring. There was almost no growth since our last appointment, and the yolk sac has disappeared. Everything about my body is perfectly healthy, and this seems to just be a chromosomal issue. It happens in 20% of pregnancies. I’m normal and healthy, but the baby just wasn’t.

He gave me options and told me to take my time. I can choose to miscarry naturally, or I have some medication that will help the process along.

One thing that helped to hear was that the medication does not require me to wait months before starting a new cycle. I will have time to grieve, and time to prepare myself for jumping back in with both feet.

As devastated as I feel right now, I know that it’s just not in me to stop trying.

I’m still stuck in a hard place; half-pregnant, carrying the shell of a life that left me a week ago.

A life that left feathers in its place.

I have grief and sadness and emptiness.

But I also have hope. And determination. And strength. And an amazing husband and support system.

43 comments on “When Feathers Appear…”

Wow Tracy, what a moving post. I’m so, so sorry about your angel baby. You sound like you have a lot of hope still – hang onto that. I know this process is so painful and difficult. I’m sending you lots of love and peace.

I am so sorry for your loss honey 😦 I know the devistation and I want you to know that you are most definitely on my heart so strong. I hope that My angel baby and your angel baby are sitting on clouds and playing together. I look forward to the day ill be in heaven and be able to hold him/her 🙂 I hope you can find peace and I pray that God wraps his arms around you and Mike extra tight today and each day after. This is the beginning…xo

You truly amaze me. This post is so beautifully written. As someone who believes in many things, I believe those feathers were sent to you. Especially seems fitting with the bird on your shoulder. While this baby wasn’t meant to be, that sweet angel is letting you know to never lose hope, and never give up.

I have no idea what you are going through, but I want to let you know that I am here for you. I am a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a mouth to talk.

What a beautiful post. I’m so sorry for your loss, friend. Please know that so many of us have walked in your shoes and you are not alone. Wishing you peace and strength and hope in the days ahead. I believe you’ll still get your miracle. XO

It’s amazing you posted this because I swear on Wed after work we were cleaning my car INSIDE the garage and a feather came floating from the ceiling. Where it came from I don’t know but there it was. I just thought…”that’s strange” but kept cleaning. Maybe I missed my sign. I love you every day and wish I could be there with you. You’re always in my heart.

I am so sorry, sweetie. I know what this baby meant to you two, and I know that our little angels are hanging out together right now, just like we would be if we lived closer.

I love you and am praying for you. If you ever need someone, you can reach out to me any time. Please be kind to yourself… this healing is harder than it seems like it might be, and you will need time. ❤

This Is My Deal...

I'm Tracy. I'm a thirty-something, happily married miscarriage survivor, who tried just about everything possible to conceive for over five years, is currently parenting our miracle baby girl, and blogging about the hilarity of it all.

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A safe space where I discuss the racing thoughts in my head, personal struggles, and day-to-day activities while struggling with mental health and mood disorder issues. My personal goal is to reduce the stigma that comes with mental health and mood disorders, by talking more about it.