Sunday, March 13, 2016

NEW YORK --- Early Saturday morning, CNN's
Dana Bash arrived at her room at a Cleveland Holiday Inn where she found her
husband in bed with an interactive map of Ohio. According to Bash, the two were
said to be engaged in "BDSM sex acts" inspired by a "50 Shades
of Grey" DVD they acquired from a Redbox located in the hotel lobby.

He yelled "You weren't supposed to arrive until Sunday at 2 p.m. EST, 3
p.m. CST!” blubbered Bash, as she wept uncontrollably. “We were going to go to
Fiji this summer! Fiji! Do you know how expensive it will be to change those
tickets? Like, at least $200, because we chose Southwest, even though I told
him Delta doesn't charge a fee for flight changes. But he didn't listen. HE
NEVER LISTENS!”

Initial reports have King arriving at the
motel in a Taxi around 11 p.m. Wednesday night, as he escorted the interactive
map into the lobby.

“He couldn't keep his hands off it” recounts Cheryl, the Holiday Inn clerk on duty
that evening. “He just kept talking about turnout in Hamilton county and
pressing the screen. I think the map was uncomfortable.”

“I don't blame the map” said an unnamed hotel patron. “It clearly had too much
to drink, and King was taking advantage. I mean, Donald Trump was clearly
leading in urban districts. That doesn't happen with a sober digital
representation of public polling.”

We asked the patron if he could remember any of the conversation, and he
remembered hearing King saying “I want to see that African-American demographic
again. Just one more time baby.”

King has been unavailable for
comment.Written by: Justin BuelleEdited by: Julio Jorge

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Nanjing, CHINA - While this may appear to be something right out of "the Onion," the "Easy-Bake Meth Lab" is a stark reality in the Chinese city of Nanjing. Thanks to Chinese-based Toy company "Nan-Tech," adults and even children can walk into any local mall and walk out with all the tools necessary to manufacture Crystal Meth. My source in China, who informed me of this unusual "toy" has provided me with the following translation:

"Hey kids, do you take medicine for your ADHD? Then you're in luck! With "easy bake Meth" you can bake your own Crystal Meth right in your own home using nothing more than regular, household chemicals and 2 AA batteries! *Adderall, Batteries sold seperately

Crystal Meth: China's New Opium

The use of "Crystal Methamphetamine," commonly referred to as just "Crystal Meth" has spiked in recent years ever since China approved the use of generic "Adderall" for the treatment of ADHD for school-aged children. Much to the dismay of government officials, may parents, cash strapped due to the stagnant wages and the rising cost of living, have been selling their children's medication to crystal meth manufacturers.

Processed crystal meth is sold on the street for about 1,000 times more than what Adderall fetches on the black market, which is why many parents have been experimenting with their own small-scale crystal meth manufacturing. Using regular household chemicals and a AA battery, even someone with no formal education can double, even triple their income by manufacturing and then selling crystal meth using their own child's medicine. What's worse is that some parents have been enlisting the children themselves into the very dangerous manufacturing process,

As much as we like to complain about dubious business practices here in the United States, at least corporations aren't enlisting our children into the drug trade...at least not yet:

Friday, September 4, 2015

"Lincoln on Ice" is currently the most expensive "on ice" production in Disney history.
It's also the worst idea since "bread in a can"

Disney has finally jumped the shark. I get how they have "iced" every single Disney movie ever made, and how they even make Disney films based on the ease of "iceification." Come on, did you really think that "Frozen on Ice" wasn't planned out from the very beginning? That's like saying "Transformers" never planned on being a TV show or that "Power Rangers" didn't plan on making our children gay. Come on, each ranger is a different color of the rainbow, in skin tight suits? We all know "morph" is gay slang for the human centipede! Did you really think we wouldn't catch on Bandai?

Lincoln on ice presumably will find a tough time booking shows in the South, where there is a large segment of the population who actually resent their bitter defeat during the Civil War. Far from regretting the fact that their war was one designed to protect slavery, they outright deny it! "Southern Pide" is their motto, a motto almost identical to, and one could argue synonymous with, "White Pride." Racism aside, the shame of Southern defeat looms heavily over anything related to the Civil War, particularly Abraham Lincoln.

Lincoln leading the charge at the Battle of the Bulge

Who knows, maybe they'll write two versions of the play. In the North will be the historically accurate version, and in the South, it's actually Lincoln who secedes. The show climaxes when General Lee kicks Lincoln in the balls and "lets" the United States back into the union. He's even generous enough to let them keep the same name. What a nice guy.

General Lee, the first man on the moon in the year 1893.

Either way, I look forward to seeing the hilarious youtube pirated footage from what will likely be the worst thing on ice since those crappy shrimp appetizers every douchebag brings to the party.

Me: WE NEED THE ICE FOR THE BEER, JERRY, SO WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BRING SHRIMP?! WHO THE HELL LIKES TO EAT COLD SHRIMP?

Douchey Jerry: Well, you said to bring food

Me: Yea, "PARTY" FOOD! LIKE CHIPS, AND SALSA, AND PIZZA. NOT FUCKING SHRIMP! YOU MIGHT AS WELL FUCKING BRING OVER SOME SPAGHETTI SAUCE AND MAKE A GODDAMN LASAGNA

Douchey Jerry: I've actually got some spaghetti sauce in the car if you want

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT? I WANT TO GO BACK AND TIME. AND DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY JERRY?

D.J. (Douchey Jerry): To tell me to bring chips?

Me: No, not to tell you to bring chips. I want to go back in time, FIND YOUR MOM, BANG HER WHILE SHE'S PREGNANT WITH YOU (but doesn't realize it yet), MAKE HER THINK THE CHILD IS MINE, AND THEN JERRY, I'M GOING TO CONVINCE HER TO HAVE AN ABORTION! THAT WAY YOU WERE NEVER BORN, AND THE WORLD IS ONE LESS IDIOT AWAY FROM DESTROYING ITSELF!

*I look around, and realize that everyone's staring at me. I look, and I've now got my hands wrapped firmly around Jerry's neck. Before I realize what's going on, I hear a snap. Jerry's lifeless body collapses to the floor. I've gone too far this time, and there's no turning back*

Monday, August 24, 2015

The secret to this famous weight loss success story
is not Subway, but love...illegal, man-boy love

Zionsville, IN - Jared Fogel, previously famous for losing 300 lbs on a diet consisting solely of Subway sandwiches, recently pleaded guilty for possession of child porn and hiring underage prostitutes. However, despite the public relations nightmare currently faced by Subway Inc., NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) is currently experiencing record membership as rumors spreads that Jared's weight loss was directly attributed to his pedophilia.

Sources within the "Jared Foundation" report that Jared's fast paced lifestyle, which centered around traumatizing children, taking advantage of drug addicted teens and hiding evidence from police, resulted in an elevated metabolism that ultimately led to the dramatic weight loss previously attributed to his "Subway diet." Doctors and scientists were quick to reject such claims, but the American public, short on attention span and quick to try any and every new bogus weight loss cure, have already begun kidnapping children at an alarming rate.

As a precaution against this rise in what is now called the "Pedodiet", the FBI has warned that parents of school aged children should not let them walk home from school without armed escort, and also to, ya know, not molest them. They also have noticed a spike in school bus thefts, so make sure that your bus driver is familiar. Even if you recognize your bus driver, to ensure your child's safety, do not let your child on the bus if the driver exhibits any of the following risk factors:

Monday, July 13, 2015

I know most of us, young or old, are excited about the upcoming Star Wars sequel "Star Wars: The Force Awakens!" For those of you who just can't wait for it to come out in theaters (December 18, only a Jedi can wait that long!) I have BREAKING NEWS: The screenplay for "Star Wars: Episode VII" has been LEAKED, and is available online! Or at least it was. It was originally leaked on Reddit, but Disney filed a court order and had it removed. Luckily, I was able to read it some of it before it was taken down. The following is the synopsis of the intervening events between the end of "Star Wars: Episode VI" and the beginning of "Episode VII." And I warn you, the direction this new film takes is shocking.

Synopsis:

As we all know, "The Empire" fell. What we didn't know, however, was that, though freedom and democracy were returned to the galaxy, the unintended consequences of transitioning from a Dictatorship to a Democracy resulted in catastrophes far worse than anything Emperor Palpatine could have planned himself. The Empire was actually better than the Republic, at least in the eyes of the people. The galaxy, ruled by two genius master Sith Lords, brought about huge economic and social progress to the galaxy. The militarization that had begun during "The Clone Wars" was expanded during the rise of the Empire, bringing both purpose and wealth even the most beleaguered, inhospitable planets.

It turns out the death of Vader and the Emperor did not bring "New Hope" to the galaxy. Far from it. Their deaths, and the subsequent destruction of the new Death Star, rippled through the stock market, causing prices to plummet. Though it was referred to as the "Death Star" by the "rebels," most citizens of the galaxy called it the "Life Moon" because it was marketed as a "Leviathan" capable of bringing about "an end to all wars." The Emperor planned on gradually decommissioning or prepurposing all military equipment and relying completely on the "Life Moon" to enforce peace and order in the galaxy. The ability to destroy planets was the equivalent of a nuclear deterrent, but on a much grander scale. This unprecedented time of peace and prosperity came at the expense of political freedom. However, considering how successful the Emperor was at ruling the galaxy, it was a tradeoff a vast majority of the galaxy was willing to pay.

Not only was the Life Moon a peacemaking juggernaut, it was also an economic powerhouse. Housed at the center was a tremendous nuclear fusion power plant. It was not just a weapon, however. It also had the capacity to provide clean, renewable energy to the entire galaxy. Using microwaves, it could literally "beam down" enough energy to last any planet 100 years in mere seconds. Literally trillions of dollars were invested in the moon-sized military base (the majority of which was private investment capital), and though it was insured, the insurance company did not have the capital to pay back investors. This caused a domino effect which ultimately caused the greatest financial crisis in the history of the Galaxy, a "Great Depression" if you will. The crisis resulted in forcing trillions of citizens out of work. The lack of a gradual transition from a militarized economy then led to massive hyperinflation. Highly trained engineers, now out of a job, can't find work because of an absence of a uniform military-to-domestic education and experience transfer. Now unemployed, these former soldiers commandeered much of the Empire's military equipment and formed a system of warlords who began to fight each other for control of resources. Was the Empire gone? Yes. But not only was Luke unable to enforce his idealistic democracy, he had also unwittingly created a civil war that continued into the events which are to take place during Episode VII.

Meanwhile, Luke is branded a "terrorist" and is forced into hiding. Far from being a "liberator," Luke single handedly (pun intended) ruined the reputation of the Jedi as "peacekeepers" and instead they are now called "Sowers of Chaos." However, as much as he is hated, he is also the only one with the power to restore balance to the Galaxy. He created this mess, the logic was, so too would he have to clean it up. He was pardoned for his crimes against the galaxy only on the condition that he lead the newly formed "Galactic Forces" to end the Feudal society he unintentionally created and create a new Galactic Senate. The movie begins with Luke leading an elite team of newly trained Jedi to take out the most powerful warlord in the galaxy named "Jibba the Hut," cousin of "Jabba the Hut" whom Princess Leia kills in Episode VI.

Sorry...but that's all folks! This is all I was able to read before I had to hand over the computer to my wife to pay the electric bill. When I returned, the post was no longer there and I was left with more questions than answers! But this is better than nothing, isn't it?

Monday, June 29, 2015

"Jeffrey's Dahmer's new cooking show "Your Last Meal is...YOU!" premiers on Oct. 20th. Tune in to watch "Cheff Jeff" turn death row inmates into a last meal you'd kill for! Families of the murdered victims act as judges to see what the man who murdered their loved ones is truly made of! As Cheff Jeff always says, revenge is a dish best served hot...with a glass of Absolut on ice. *sponsored by Absolut Vodka, the #1 drink chosen to accompany the "last meal" by death row inmates for the past 100 years!"

The show is filmed entirely in black and white, as if it wasn't creepy enough. The only question left for me to ask is this: If he truly was exonerated, and the criminals involved legally consented to being cooked after dying under the electric chair...is it really that bad of an idea? Whatever you feel about it, I'm definitely watching the season premiere. I'm hoping convicted child murderers taste like chicken...get it? Chicken? Because they victimized the weak?! What, too soon? Ya, you're probably right...