I can't be helped

I feel, for a long time now, that I runned past the time for my "redemption". I've been depressed, unable to think, I am aphathetic to all things, well, I do care for my cat, a creature that carries the meaning of this life in his love for me. I am men by the way, a very rusty one, a worned before the time one...

I am 21, 22 a week from now more or less, but I feel like an insecure child who has to cover himself with the "clothes" of an adult, wich doesn't fit, and everyone knows it... When they can come close enough to see it, wich is not that close..

I am trying to write a story for my life, but I am feeling so forced to try to redeem from my memory and heart, where I should start. I have many things that would be qualified as bad things, tragic events, or just tragic circumstances, but being having a mess of a mind, having Nhilistic tendencies, I almostdisqualify them, and can't even have the delight of suffer from them, wich might sound paradoxical.

I could say that I am too awkard and actually stupid, or something like that, to have a relationship with anyone. I am a straight male, attractive enough physically, but I feel like I will never have a girl in my life, I shouldn't, not like this, and I don't think I can change.

I have actually, almost 2 years now, met someone wich I became more close, but I still had moments of feeling like a decent, almost functional human being. Now I don't have nothing to offer, or if I have I don't care about it enough. I don't believe in relations too, love and shit anymore, at least nothing that I could make last.

I think I have damaged my brain from years of bad sleeping habits, stress, anxiety.. I just feel like my head doesn't function, but I don't know if my probable OCD has anything to do with it.

I started this summer a part time job I had last one, but I just shouldn't be working, it's too hard, I feel to dumb and detached right now..

I once had a passion for music, I play guitar and in a last effort to revive my passion, I bought a violin last year, but my musical senses have become drastically atrofiated, it's just tortuous to me now to strive to become anything from it, I don't have the skills for it.

I am bitter men, angry and moody, wich doesn't even know if he has an heart under my neurotic mind.

I can't go for help, I don't even feel qualified to be a patient. I am stuck until I have my ultimate mental breakdown, wich I kinda had this last two days.

First of all I think you might not have realized but many (if not most) people hide some kind of insecurity behind their facades. You are still young enough to have plenty of time to find yourself. Don't despair if you feel like a "insecure child" right now or at any later point in life. Every moment in life is an opportunity to build self confidence.

I'm not sure if you meant "write a story for my life" literally or metaphorically. If it's the first you could just start writing from the first even you find and then grow the history in both time directions?

Your life is real in the context of the world. We all don't know what the world really is but we can still accept what we see as reality and live accordingly. Of course you might decide to do something else but I think it's better to accept what we have than drown forever in uncertainity.
If you have a sensation of detachment from the world for a prolonged time this might be a psychological condition (derealization). You can see a professional about it and they might be able to help you to some degree, but you might also try exercise (ikr I hate exercising but you could also go walking for a bit longer) and see if it changes anything in this regards. Of course it won't change how you think and interpret the world.

I'm sure you have nice qualities to offer to others. And in the end to others it doesn't even mean that much who we are but mostly what we do. Maybe you feel like you lost control right now but you can regain it again. You can be in full control over your actions, do good things and be nice to others. If you have an issue or another it doesn't mean you are unlovable or anything like that. Honestly there isn't anything like perfect in the real world. People can be more understanding and forgiving than you might think right now.

Maybe you haven't damaged your brain by your bad sleeping habits, maybe it's just a neurochemical inbalance right now? Maybe you can get out of the swamp and things will be fine again. However you might want to do a checkup with a physician to figure out if there is an organic issue that is causing you feel this way.

Last but not least, you deserve being helped. There's no such thing as not being qualified to be a patient. Also obviously your quality of life is impaired by these developments so even if there was such a thing you'd probably be qualified. There are people whose work it is to help people having issues like yours. If it can improve your life and you have access to it get the help. (Otherwise find ways to get the help.)
Maybe the difference if you have your "ultimative breakdown" is that you would likely go inpatient. If you really feel like you need this you can also commit yourself to a mental hospital. But if you don't think you pose a risk to yourself you might have a better time with outpatient care because you would be better able to integrate improvements into your daily life and wouldn't have a big disruption.

Nothing really matters, not even me replying to you, but my sense of obligation and conventionality makes me force myself to write this and dig in my brain for answers I don't actually have, intimate things that are lacking or hidden, wich makes life so uncomfortable.. I feel that I have to intelectualize too much a dimension of my personality wich should come so much more spontaneously, and I lost the confidence in my judgement some time ago. I write like a hesitation and tottering, it's exhausting, both in mental "resources" and motivation.

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I have not been living, I have been watching myself not living. For all the reasons I mentioned above, maybe not so good or clear as I did consider when I wrote it, I feel quite impaired to engage in many activities of life, or relations. My inhibition is not merely derived from my insecurities, because my insecurities themselves do have good reasons to exist. I am either not what I would like to be, not what I think I could be.. Here my mind goes blank, I can't finish my thought. I think I need to put it another way.
Maybe, I can be accepted for what I am, maybe I could still be "better" than some people who might not feel uncomfortable in their own skin, but it's either that, or I am right to be the first to criticize myself and put myself down.

I don't function on an emotional or intelectual level. My memory is bad, or my alert state is poor, or I can't hold complex thoughts inside my head, mostly with permutations. On a emotional level I feel dull. I am alienated from myself or I just became a person wich views only permit weak responses to situations that are adequate on other people. I am awkard and behind my pretense to know what I am talking about, there's just someone who has no clue. I think I may have some traits of Covert Narcisism.

I have entered realms of knowledge that my mind can't assimilate efficiently, so I must suffer. It's an ocean of uncertanty for me, both inside and outside.

I actually have an appointment with a Doctor next friday, but I don't think I will be mentioning anything about my depression or mental health, well maybe a little, because I am going because I have been sleeping really poorly lately and I want to perform at least decently in my part time job for this summer. I don't think myself as qualified because I crossed the time when all this issues were actually issues that "impacted" me, not just made me uncomfortable. I suffered with them, now I don't feel honest almost talking about myself and the absurdity of my life.

I might end this, commenting that when I saw your profile picture I was kinda excited thinking you could be a girl, but I saw you were a male.. . Wasn't sure if I would say anything or not, because we live on almost too sensitive world.. Maybe you can understand, maybe not.

Thank you for your time, for mine, I kind of wated it to be honest.. sigh!

Oh, I just read the whole The Trial and listened to half a Audiobook of Metamorphosis, but yes, he is interesting and relatable to me in a sense, but is on another intelectual dimension then me, I fear.

Well you sure are writing about some difficult feelings which could explain why you struggle putting them in words. I'm not sure if my messages here are helpful at all. But personally I've always found writing my thoughts out, even if it is difficult, to be very helpful since it makes you bring some kind of order into them. Don't worry if what you write the first time isn't exactly what you meant to see, you can correct or define more precisely later.

I have not been living, I have been watching myself not living. For all the reasons I mentioned above, maybe not so good or clear as I did consider when I wrote it, I feel quite impaired to engage in many activities of life, or relations. My inhibition is not merely derived from my insecurities, because my insecurities themselves do have good reasons to exist. I am either not what I would like to be, not what I think I could be.. Here my mind goes blank, I can't finish my thought. I think I need to put it another way.

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About nihilism: I understand doing things might seem just empty and not having any real value to you. If you look at things close enough you will find that there is no way to tell if they matter at all and maybe assume nothing matters. I'm not telling any religion is right with their claims but right now you don't know if there is more to the world than we think there is. It's possible and I'm living my life based on that. If nothing exists really and doesn't matter at all then I wasted my efforts but it won't matter anyways, otherwise I did the right thing.

If you are worried that certain things other people do with pleasure is not clearly something positive to you then don't depsair about it. Chances are that many people just don't think that deeply about things. I'm often surprised when I see how far sighted some of my friends reasoning is completely ignoring the big picture and yet they are happy (because they don't see the things that make me sad). I think you can also be happy if you think deeply about the value in things (unlike to some people who claim that you need to not be capable to constantly think about the value in things) but it will take some effort. Basically you have to decide to some extent what is important in your life. You needn't give things numbers and you can always change these but you decide the value you give to things. Don't underestimate the psychological and physical effect some activities like ie. socializing or exercising will have on you, this can also be an argument for or against things' importance.
An example: say you decide saving animals from their cruel future by getting them into caring homes and out of the shelter where they would have been put down in a couple months. From a standpoint of absolute uncertainity saving an animal might not be better or worse than throwing a good melon into trash because probably nothing matters. Does this thought seem weird to you? Of course you can go all deep down and say it doesn't matter but do you really feel this way? (If it really is this way I might have made a bad example after all.) Things aren't all unimportant but the point is that in the end you give them their value.

You don't have to decide right now once and for all eternity what matters for you in life but you can try coming up with things you think would be positive to do and then consider if you would be willing to do them. Maybe you don't have the image of who you want to be in the future yet (and maybe this image stays blurry forever) but start doing things you want to in your life. If it's just a percentage it's a beginning. Of course the feeling of watching yourself not live your life might stay there. Maybe you feel like you are not doing things you are supposed to do? But what matters is that you are enjoying what you are doing.

I actually have an appointment with a Doctor next friday, but I don't think I will be mentioning anything about my depression or mental health, well maybe a little, because I am going because I have been sleeping really poorly lately and I want to perform at least decently in my part time job for this summer. I don't think myself as qualified because I crossed the time when all this issues were actually issues that "impacted" me, not just made me uncomfortable. I suffered with them, now I don't feel honest almost talking about myself and the absurdity of my life.

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It's hard to talk about this kind of thing, I think most people on here know it and pretty much all professionals working in mental healthcare know it too! It doesn't matter when it happened the fact that it's (severely) impacting you in the present is more than enough justification to get help. I'm not sure how comfortable you are discussing things with your doctor but maybe you can get a referral to a psychotherapist/psychiatrist and at least get a consultation? Depending on your insurance and country this might be covered to a large degree and not costing you much.
Finances aside it's an opportunity to start taking control of your life again and not just "watching yourself not living it". If you miss this chance it's not the end of the world but if it allows you to actually start living a life you want to live then it's really worth it. It's something I would really consider.

I'm sorry if my avatar confused you. Sa-chan (from the anime Gintama) is the persona I'm using here but I'm being honest in the profile that I'm actually a guy. I'm not sure if it makes that much of a difference though. I'm gay and don't really conform to most of society's stereotypes anyway. If you would have to judge me from behavior I would fall somewhere inbetween male and female but this only because society prescribes how each have to behave.

Haha and don't feel bad about not getting everything word by Kafka. You can take his texts apart to various degrees and spend a lot of time interpreting it and that is what is really fascinating. But there is also the side where you consume it as if looking at a painting and without getting everything and all of the artist's intention you still understand the feeling and idea behind it.

I am sorry, I don't feel like keeping up with this challenging conversation, at least not for the days that have passed away.
I agree about many views you have and thanks to try to encourage me, but if I told you that it doesn't ever work and I still want to end myself, I can't even imagine what kind of emotional response you would have, but I sure would like to be able to awake some of those feelings in people and myself, but the tragedy is that I can't. I am hollow. Everything I write almost feels like I am ascribing to myself, not that it comes from within.

My brain is suffocated with thoughts, so my mind feels like it's always empty. I am hopeless and one more night of bad sleep might spiral me down to suicide, but I hope that in the final moment I have the emotional resources to convey the origins of my suffering and leave this world umderstood.

Thank you for your time, I am friend to no one, no one can be friend of mine.