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Monday, 22 August 2011

How to Look Like a Super Mom at Half the Price!

It's time for a little more help from Mommy Rotten on how to front like you have your shit together when you really don't. There is this phenomenon everyone is talking about called the Super Mom. She is a mythical creature, an archetype, a standard by which all mothers are judged...and found wanting. All we can really hope for is to come close. I know some of you will say, "But I've seen the Super Mom! She goes to the same park/school/daycare I go to." To you I say, "It was a trick! Don't be fooled! She is nothing but smoke and mirrors." Because the truth is, if you go peeling a little at the edges you'll find a woman who is barely keeping a grip on her sanity.

The mistake that most moms make, including the Super Moms, is that they get indoctrinated into a parenting philosophy like it were some kind of religious cult. Once in, they belligerently defend their faith while trying to live up to its impossible and unrealistic standards. The only difference between you and the Super Mom is that she does it better than you while paying a price you wouldn't be willing to pay. You, on the other hand, have either given up on that bullshit completely or are pretending to still have faith, while at night you are wracked with guilt over all of your terrible short-comings and your certain place in Hell.

Well, sleep easy Mommies because you can look just like a Super Mom at only half the price! The problem you've had before is that you were doing everything ass-backwards. You got yourself involved in some kind of parenting cult because you thought it sounded nice, not because it's a good fit for you, your kids, or your lifestyle. That's crazy! No wonder you failed!

I discovered that the best thing to do is just whatever the hell you want. Then go do a little research and find whatever bullshit you can to back up your decisions. Believe me, there is an over-zealous movement behind just about every parenting decision you could imagine. Attachment parenting, free-range parenting, authoritative parenting, permissive parenting, spiritual parenting, tiger mothering, etc. And there is dogma floating around for any parenting choice you could make whether it's about nutrition, discipline, education or toileting. To help, all of these systems have statistics and professional quacks giving their stamp of approval that you are doing the right thing.

Just about every parenting choice I have made was out of laziness.

When I said, "I'm just waiting for him to show signs that he's ready for toilet training" what I meant was "It's too hard to toilet train a kid under the age of three and I just can't be bothered dealing with all the laundry."

When I said, "I think free-range parenting is a great way to build a child's confidence and self-esteem" what I meant was "I'm too lazy to get his brother dressed and walk three blocks to pick him up from his friend's house."

When I said, "Co-sleeping with your baby reduces the risk of SIDS, night terrors and the stress that comes with too much crying" what I meant was "I'm too fucking tired to get up several times a night for feedings and I just need some sleep so I can handle this new baby without crying non-stop."

Sometimes people tell me that they think I'm a Super Mom. How that makes me laugh! I just happen to be good at bullshitting my way through it.