Month: October 2014

Idiometry: n. the branch of language arts dealing with angles of conversation between parents and middle school children doing homework together, particularly if the homework is from 1100 Words You Need to Know.

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Lesson 1: A Pig in a Poke.

“Ok, say you’re a duck hunter, and -”

“But dad won’t let me hunt because he doesn’t like guns.”

“Um, yeah. Well just pretend, ok? Pretend you’re a duck hunter, and you need a really well-trained dog – one who’ll respond to voice commands and always behave, like the Appersons’ dog. And you meet a man who says he has just the dog for you. And you pay him in advance, and then the dog he delivers to you is Charlie. That’s a pig in a poke.”

I’m one of those people who, when bored, plays around with the laptop camera. I make faces, do funny poses, make crazy videos and that sort of junk. I never post any of it anywhere and the only time anyone sees any of it is by accident. So yes, I am mad but I like keeping my madness a secret – from me even.

I’ve always wanted to make crazy vids, like the awesome, funny and weird ones you see on YouTube but I’ve never had the guts to do one. I fear someone will find it and instead of laughing with me, they’ll laugh at me. Anyhow, I’m slowly weening myself off of this parasitic thought and I’ve embarked on taking pictures, making videos and audio recordings of the wacky stuff that more than occasionally pops into my mind.

My state of crazy is so bad, I’ve infected my kid with it. When we’re together, playing and laughing together – as an outsider looking in – you’d be convinced that common sense and any form of adult and socially acceptable behaviour was never part of my up-bringing.

In all honesty, I don’t mind that one bit. I quite enjoy hearing the voices in my head speak.They have the most amazing insights and conversations between them always amuse me. I’m not sure if this is really nutty or not but, they’re either toddlers, old or alien. (And I’m convinced that they all may be a combination of alien and something else. An angel or demon maybe… Who knows? Who cares?) To date, I can speak of four very distinct and loud characters in my head. I don’t know their names though, they’ve refused to tell me who they are.. I think they’re afraid of getting figured out – no one likes being profiled successfully. (At least, I know I don’t.)

I would like to share more detail about their traits and stuff. But right now, they’ve all gone silent… They truly are a mystery. I hope they reveal themselves to me soon. Their story is itching to come out. And I suspect with it, my career as an author of fiction will have found life.

In keeping true to my promise of not saying much when the much I have to say is far from positive, I chose to stay far away from voicing out my negative and destructive chatter for the fear of infecting others with my dribble.

Now that my psyche is in much better space, I can safely ramble about nothing and everything.

I must say, of all the times that I’ve hit a writers block or rut, this must have been the most trying… Whenever I’m in a bad space, I dare not write my emotions because of my belief that writing something down, thinking it and speaking trully call it into being. And all the evil that sweltered in my chest and head was far too dark for me to have it come into being on any level.

SO much like you, (all two of you) who’ve waited for me to post one of my incoherent rants about the clouds or my worn socks or my pot plant, I’ve waited too…

I’m glad to say that today marks the first of many more posts that will start from one end, move sideways, turn around and end up somewhere different. I choose to leave all my writing in this abnormally insane way because my brain thinks in that way, so just as the thoughts and ideas pop into my head, I will record them. And I hope – all in the hope of proving that my sanity is still in tact – I find my way back to the point I was trying to make.