I just want to give up....{Mostly a Vent}

Hello ladies, sorry for the vent post and if this is jumpy and all over the place, I just need to get this out at this point. I'm pretty sure I have PPD (postpartum depression) and possibly PPA, but I'm not in a place to be able to go see a counselor or psychologist or therapist or blah blah blah like my family has been recommending I do. My pregnancy became complicated at 24 weeks and I ended up delivering at 34 weeks back in October. I was doing fine until recently. In the NICU, we weren't able to establish BF (breastfeed, or boyfriend) due to her lack of coordination and my anatomy not being fit for BF. We tried nipple shields, sweeties to encourage latch, and multiple lactation consultants and nurses before finally deciding to forfeit, as we were clearly fighting a losing battle. Fast Forward 16 weeks - she's 10 weeks adjusted age, we have had to change bottle brands because she decided 4 weeks ago that she didn't like what we were using and that she needed a preemie nipple. Fine. So we have switched to Dr. Brown's bottles fitted with a preemie nipple and things have been fine. Then, she decided she didn't like the Avent Soothie Pacis anymore, so I tried a Dr. Brown's one out of desperation. That worked for about 2 days. We have her on medication for reflux and prune juice for constipation because she had a massive feeding regression (dropped from 24-26oz to 15-18oz per day). This helped for a while and now, yet again, she is down to maybe 18oz per day if we are lucky. She still wets diapers, but they're not nearly as full as often. She won't take more than 2oz of formula at a time. We don't want to switch formulas until all other avenues have been exhausted, because she had severe IUGR and still has trouble gaining the weight she needs to. She weighed 9lb 6oz at 3mos, which compared to her 3lb 15oz at birth is great, but the pediatrician would still like to see more growth. She cries constantly, I presume because she is hungry or in pain, but I don't know anymore. My husband is working 12 hour days, we moved an hour away from any of my family, I don't really have any friends, so most days I feel like I am without a support system. I am home alone with my daughter most of the time and I feel like she is always crying. The couple of hours a day my husband is home, awake, and making even a moderate attempt at being a parent, she is happy as a clam. I lost my milk supply at 8 weeks postpartum because I was only pumping and I had to have emergency surgery that had me with no food or water for 36 hours. I don't intend on re-lactating, but sometimes I can establish a latch with DD (dear daughter) and she will calm for a small bit. However, thanks to the aforementioned anatomy issues, she gets frustrated which leads to crying and then I end up right back to my crap attitude and tears and wanting to leave. If I offer more formula when DD (dear daughter) starts crying, she winds up projectile vomiting not only what extra I give her, but everything she ate before too. DH (dear husband) doesn't help feed, change diapers, administer medicine, etc. He plays with her for an hour maybe, will hold her while I cook dinner, and then he is either on his phone playing games or asleep. Seriously, I feel so intensely alone. This morning, DD (dear daughter) wouldn't let me put her down. Every time I did, she screamed and cried until I picked her up. I couldn't find the syringe to administer her medication this morning and wound up hitting myself in the face enough to make my ears ring for an hour and I've had a headache all day. My husband, of course, was still asleep in bed even after being asked to get up. I packed a bag and all I wanted to do was leave. I've contemplated things I never imagined (divorce [not an option for me, as well this situation doesn't mandate that form of extremism], running away [seriously, what am I 16?], and other things I'm not willing to admit to, but I'm sure you can guess.) I packed a bag this morning and that persuaded my husband to actually get out of bed and pitch in. Then, after I finally got DD (dear daughter) fed but not asleep, just fed and not crying, he decided to leave for work. When I lost my shit yet again, he told me he would work from home to try to help out some more because clearly I was having a rough day. At noon, he got an e-mail that his office was having a meeting and he left for the office. He came home after and worked more, but after he finished simply turned to his phone yet again. Yes, I've said something about this many many many times. I've come to the conclusion that after 7 years, nothing here is going to change and I just need to suck it up, switch into mom mode, and continue wiping everybody's butts (literally and figuratively.) Anyhow, I'm crying, at my husband's throat every two and a half minutes, I'm lonely, and I feel like a crap mother. I just want to give up. Run away. Go away. Anything. And I can't get help. Our insurance changed at the beginning of the year because my husband started his new job this past May and we didn't want to be part of the marketplace anymore, so we went with his insurance. I have no idea if there is a copay to go see my OB to try to get help for this (which I can't afford until Pay Day [Friday]), but I'm convinced she's just going to tell me to seek counseling and talk therapy to make this all better. News flash - most counselors don't accept insurance. I can't afford 200 freaking dollars to sit in a room and talk about my problems. I don't even have time to get to the counselor because my husband is never home. I'm just losing it. Anyhow, sorry for the long post. If you've got any advice feel free to give it, sorry if I'm not good at responding to everyone. Thanks for having a space where I can vent.

Comments (17)

I don’t have much advice but you’re not alone. Know that I’ve been there. I’ve got twins and it’s so hard. I’ve been to therapy in the past and my insurance covered it, so definitely look more into it. How old is your husband? He needs to step up. All the feeding problems your LO (little one) is having, one of my twins had as well. I’d also suggest looking into switching formulas!!

Do you see a GI specialist? The symptoms sound a lot like what we experienced with my oldest and she ended up diagnosed with a cows milk protein allergy. She was a NICU babe too, I EPd but she struggled with growth and ended up failure to thrive. We switched to full formula at 5 months and she plummeted. After the allergy was diagnosed we were put on elemental formula and it was like a whole new kid.

I don’t have much advice but you’re not alone. Know that I’ve been ther...

Last edited
02/05/2018

I don’t have much advice but you’re not alone. Know that I’ve been there. I’ve got twins and it’s so hard. I’ve been to therapy in the past and my insurance covered it, so definitely look more into it. How old is your husband? He needs to step up. All the feeding problems your LO is having, one of my twins had as well. I’d also suggest looking into switching formulas!!

My husband is 24. I will have to call the insurance company to see if they can find a covered counselor in my area. DD (dear daughter) has a pediatrician appointment the 15th, so I'll try to convince her for a formula change then. Fingers crossed! Thank you for your kind words.

Do you see a GI specialist? The symptoms sound a lot like what we experienced...

Posted
02/05/2018

Do you see a GI specialist? The symptoms sound a lot like what we experienced with my oldest and she ended up diagnosed with a cows milk protein allergy. She was a NICU babe too, I EPd but she struggled with growth and ended up failure to thrive. We switched to full formula at 5 months and she plummeted. After the allergy was diagnosed we were put on elemental formula and it was like a whole new kid.

We haven't seen a GI yet, no. I'm wanting to ask about it at her next pediatrician visit the 15th. I have to bring a diaper in to do a fecal study to make sure there are no microscopic blood particles. The juice seems to have finally done a bit of good since she passed a smooth BM with no tears. It was suuuuper dark though. Not black or bloody, but for sure dark.

Oh honey. I am so so sorry you are having such a rough go at it. I don't have much advice. The only thing I can suggest is try to get out of the house, maybe to the library for story time. You can meet other moms and feel a bit human.
When you are home try to find things to do that bring you happiness. Prekids I loved just listening to music, but with a toddler I'm stuck listening to old McDonald. I know on the days my baby is being a terror I pop in my ear buds and listen to MY music as I care for her and it changes my mood drastically. Find little bits of happiness where you can.

Everyone says it and I know it's hard to believe sometimes but it does get better.

Ask your ped for some formula samples. My twins were premature and weighed just 2 pounds 12oz and we did Similac neosure for premature infants formula. Worked well. Buy a small can to start and see if she takes to it.

Ask your ped for some formula samples. My twins were premature and weighed just 2 pounds 12oz and we did Similac neosure for premature infants formula. Worked well. Buy a small can to start and see if she takes to it.

I second this! Every time I go to my ped, she gives us so many formula “samples”. (She asks what we are currently feeding the twins and then gives us 10 cans of that brand). They want to give you samples!

My husband is 24. I will have to call the insurance company to see if they ca...

Posted
02/06/2018

My husband is 24. I will have to call the insurance company to see if they can find a covered counselor in my area. DD has a pediatrician appointment the 15th, so I'll try to convince her for a formula change then. Fingers crossed! Thank you for your kind words.

You should have your DH (dear husband) go with you to the Dr for your ppd so he can learn all he can on supporting you through this, he needs to wake up and pitch in more, maybe have him put baby to bed every night and give you x amount of hours on Saturday morning so you can sleep in. No joke he needs to see how grueling it can be.

Oh honey. I am so so sorry you are having such a rough go at it. I don't ...

Posted
02/06/2018

Oh honey. I am so so sorry you are having such a rough go at it. I don't have much advice. The only thing I can suggest is try to get out of the house, maybe to the library for story time. You can meet other moms and feel a bit human.
When you are home try to find things to do that bring you happiness. Prekids I loved just listening to music, but with a toddler I'm stuck listening to old McDonald. I know on the days my baby is being a terror I pop in my ear buds and listen to MY music as I care for her and it changes my mood drastically. Find little bits of happiness where you can.

Everyone says it and I know it's hard to believe sometimes but it does get better.
Hang in there.

Ask your ped for some formula samples. My twins were premature and weighed just 2 pounds 12oz and we did Similac neosure for premature infants formula. Worked well. Buy a small can to start and see if she takes to it.

I'll ask about some other stuff. She's been on Similac Neosure since I lost my supply. Hopefully get pediatrician can give me some samples and instructions on how to mix that to 22 calories instead of the neosure. Though, this juice seems to be helping her

Learn more

Your growing child

Your 8-month-old: Week 3

Your baby's vision - previously about 20/40 at best - is now almost adult-like in its clarity and depth perception. Though your baby's short-range sight is still best, his long-range vision is good enough to recognize people and objects across a room.
Read More

Your 8-month-old: Week 4

Once your baby starts standing and cruising, you may wonder whether real shoes are necessary. Until your baby is walking around outdoors regularly, most doctors and developmental experts don't think so.
Read More

You are passing a message to a BabyCenter staff member.
For the fastest help on community guidelines violations, please click 'Report this' on the item you wish the staff to review.
For general help please read our Help section or contact us.