December 2010

March 11, 2007

Why Divorced Men Remarry Faster than Women?

I am a big fan of blogs and just discovered an interesting one written by a man names Hugo. Who is Hugo? Who knows and in blogland, it's not important at all. Anyway, he is clearly a very successful blogger and I enjoyed persusing his posts but more importantlythe follow up comments.

One recent blog that I found intriguing was the discussion around why divorced men remarry faster than divorced women - not sure where these statistics arose - but its an interesting dialog around the argument that men "get" more out of marriage than women and that in our liberated world of financially independent women relational skills are more important than earning potential. Unless you are 25 years old. So here is the Perfect Storm. Man 45 years old divorces wife of 20 years. He is 45, she is 45. When the divorce is final its likely that the women is earning a reasonable income unless she made the decision to be a stay at home mom, which is whole other issue. Anyway, a successful woman in her 40's is not so much looking for financial support anymore but a man who is interesting, emotionally strong, physically confident and with a substantive personality - ie further along the Maslow self awareness scale than sex and survival. Here is where the 25 year old women come into the picture and why divorced men marry (the 25 year olds) faster than their wives look for a new husband. Or perhaps its because the options for an 'older' woman are more limited. It is still not considered socially acceptable for a woman to marry a man 20 years younger but perfectly ok for a man. Think Newt, Prince Charles, there are tons of examples.

So lots of 40+ men marry 25+ year old women who ARE concerned primarily with security, and power and are attracted by that one dimension in an older man. Divorced women on the other hand are prepared to 'wait' or not get married at all...because truthfully, what IS in it for them? They get to be a 'wife" - wow that is an attractive option. More chores, baggage, needs, demands, complexity. I'd rather stay single and free, independent and not married.

So lots of women reading Hugo's blog agree...here are a couple of great comments.

So, divorced men remarry more often than divorced women. Just who are those men marrying? Obviously,most of them are marrying women who have never been married. Or maybe we should just cut to the chase and say younger women, because that is a likely corrolation. Society still offers an older man far more latitude in seeking a significantly younger mate than women. Combine that with the higher probability that the woman brings children to a second marriage, and I think you might have a case for suggesting that a lower remarriage rate for women exists not from entirely from choice, but because their opportunities have been limited. Without knowing more of the specific details of the survey, I question the writer’s generalization that women delay remarrying because of celebrating their “new-found freedom”.

Might age also be a factor? A lot of middle-aged divorced men marry much younger women, but divorced women rarely do. That leaves them with a) men who are also divorced, or b) men who have had an inordinately long bachelorhood. Women may just feel they have a less desirable pool of potential mates.It also seems to me that if they do hook up with guys in one of those categories, they often just move in together without marrying. A young woman who’s never married is probably more likely to want a wedding, and the guy may go along with it for that reason.

Comments

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great site!

as a soon-to-be divorced mother, i can't help wonder how kids factors in to this - IF you assume that in a divorce, the woman takes more responsibility for the kids, maybe it's harder for women to date and then remarry.

Late to the post but they did a survey on the radio the other day. Callers were asked whether they would stay married to the same person or someone else. The split for the men was 65% marry the same person and 35%would marry someone else. An overwhelming 80% of the women said they would NEVER marry again - and that wasn't even one of the options. Then not long after that a clinical psychologist called in and said that though things are changing, marriage has never offered a lot to women.

iS THIS BLOG ABOUT ME? mY HUSBAND LEFT A 20 YEAR MARRIAGE BECAUSE LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO BE UNHAPPY. hE IS NOW MARRIED TO A 25 YEAR OLD GIRL IN WHICH HE WORKED WITH AND LIVED IN THE SAME HOUSE WITH AS SOON AS HE LEFT OUR HOME...BUT THEY WERENT HAVING AN AFFAIR.OUR DAUGHTER IS 20 HOW UNCOMFORTABLE IS THAT. I DONT WANT TO BE MARRIED BECAUSE i WANT MY ALLIMONY i AM THE STAY AT HOME MOM...I DONT HAVE A CAREER. i DO HAVE A MAN IN MY LIFE WHO SEEMS TO VALUE A WOMAN WHO CARES FOR HER FAMILY AND WAS NOT BORN IN THE 1980'S BUT IT STILL DOESNT MAKE ME WANT TO JUMP BACK INTO MARRIAGE.

I have to add one more thing to my comment. This has definitely affected my kds who are 20 and 17. Also this girl refused to date him unless his seperation was final. He pushed having seperation papers filed but it was my lawyer..he didnt tell me about the girl and dating until recently. The divorce was soon to follow. They moved in together without me knowing about it and my kids were invited to help them move in together without a discussion before hand. My son was invited to sing at their wedding ( he declined) and my ex doesnt have money to help send is daughter to college but they had a big wedding out of state and took a ten day honeymoon to mexico....the list goes on it has been royal.

Like a lot of other women I know, I was married for twenty plus years -- and celebrated my divorce from my former spouse. And like my friends, I see no need to remarry. I have no desire to be the full-time nurse-maid of some man older than me -- nor do I have any compulsion to cook, clean, and do all those other wifely chores for some man. On the other hand, I don't lack for girl friends or male companions, or sexual partners. Accordingly, week-end relationships are close to ideal as far as I'm concerned.
My ex-spouse, on the other hand, is busy mate-seeking. He not only wants someone to take care of all those domestic needs but also provide companionship. Oh, and he doesn't want to have to go through all that rejection just to find steady sex.

i am 25....and am not interested in freaky old men. i just don't understand what the appeal is; but perhaps this can be attributed to the fact that i have an IQ above 12.

i think 1st off, most girls marry older men b/c they are gold diggers. and do have an iq below 12. what other options are there? men project their feelings on others and blame everyone else,,,so they marry someone younger who makes a good, dumb trophy wife. the younger they are the easier to train. hell, some can be trained till they die.

also if whe's a lot younger, by the time her looks go he'll be dead.

men are pigs. but women have to stop letting them "get away with murder". women always make excuses.

that's why i don't get why girls about my age golddig. how would you feel if someone did that to you when you hit 45?
besides,
don't be too frustrated julie and rebecca....

most the girls my age who date men your husbands' age are flat out retarded and a waste of space.

As a man whose wife has just left stating "I want to find myself and be happy" after 8 years of a pretty good marriage (ups, downs, but mostly ups) I will say you are completly wrong. First a whopping 96% of all divorces filled in the US are done by the wife for that classic "Grass is Greener on the Other Side" only to learn that the grass on the other side is really astro-turf. Where the men most often left confused why they were left even after trying to save the marriage and having no preconcieved notion of a better life with someone else just so happen to find a life with someone else. There is absolutly zero data to prove that divorced men habitually remarry younger women, just because famous guys do it doesn't mean all do. So yes men are more likely to remarry, but not for the "all men are pigs, all young women are dumb" reasons you endorse. If we truly want an equal world let's admit that we equally make mistakes. And, just because someone blogged it doesn't make it true.

hi John
thanks for your passionate reply. great to have your perspective. can you share your source for the 96% divorces being filed by women? I knew it was around 60% but would argue (my experience) that many men are happy to stay in a marriage while having affairs on the site - and to not file for divorce, while many women cannot live with that ambiguity and would rather divorce. what are your thoughts on that?

Hi Im Mike
There may be some truth to the evidence suggesting that men marry sooner (and younger) than divorced women....but what seems to be being inferred by this is that men are somehow more dependent and emotionally needy than women. Yes that might be the case, but it might also be the case that generally from childhood men are socialised to pursue women while women learn relevant responses to these approaches. Suddenly single the male will often fall back into his learned pursuit behaviour...especially in a society that often measures men by their capacity to woo and win the fairer sex. Nobody is right wrong good or bad...we are just all struggling with redefining our single lives in the context of the tools we have.
Peace like a river...

Nice article, it gave me a few new perspectives to approach the question of why men get remarried sooner. One explanation I had heard before was that men are "genetically wired" to seek out someone new. In my opinion it is most likely a combination of the reasons you laid out in your article as well as genetics.

Dear John, Ple-e-e-e-ze don't flatter yourself! We women know what whe're getting ourselves into much more so than we did we we got married!!!!! At least now I know what to expect when I wake up in the morning!You and your ego can go jump off a cliff IMHO!!!

I am 30 my husband 47 and he was married before and have two boys from it. His wife ended the marriage. I married him because he is mature stable and treats me like a queen. We have been together for 5 years I have never been happier. His ex is 44 been divorced for 7 years and still single and hates me for no reason. If she does not want him does not mean that no body does!

Hmm, my experience is a bit different. My former wife drove our divorce and I'm actually very happy for it. We are now excellent friends raising 2 wonderful sons. We decided to put the kids welfare at the core of our plans going forward and let our differences get worked out a bit slower. We started dating around the same time and she's been living with her boyfriend for the last 3 years. I think he's a great guy and couldn't be happier for her.
I've decided that being polyamorous is what's going to work for me, I'm very open about this with my family, former wife, and women I'm dating. I don't plan to get married again and I would like to have a live-in partner at some time in the future (but there's no rush). It took me a lot of personal growth work to get here (being poly does require a serious level of honesty).
Oh and my career has taken off also because of the growth work.
:D

Sherry Halperin: Rescue Me, He's Wearing a Moose HatHalperin goes on 40 dates, which she finds through web sites like match.com, professional services that cost up to $5000, blind dates, singles parties, and more. Each chapter is a short vignette — often funny and poignant, sometimes sad, and always candid — with a humorous caricature of the featured man.

John Gray: Mars and Venus Starting OverThe struggle, as Gray points out in Starting Over, isn't just to find a new partner, but to get over those feelings of abandonment or loss or anger or whatever else gets dredged up by the end of a relationship.

Sharon Webscheider-Cruse: Life After DivorceCreate a New Beginning Afer Divorce. Sharon shows you how to care for yourself through the crisis stage of divorce, welcome new feelings and turn an angry ex into a future friend