Miss Universe: alternative National Costume suggestions

Nov 05, 2013 1:00am

Like a 200-headed chimera of the Victoria’s Secret Parade and Multiculturalism Day at a particularly creepy home school, the National Costume segment of the Miss Universe pageant is a baffling display of glittery indiscretion.

This is a shame in many ways, since there’s a rich tradition of fashion design in all of the nations represented at the pageant – no peacock wings or angel tails necessary. Given Miss Universe is at least in part about how contestants look in clothes, they may as well pick nice ones. Alongside what they actually wore, here are our suggestions for next year’s batch of Miss Hopefuls.

1 / 7

MISS GREAT BRITAIN: Miss Brit’s costume is the most confusing one we’ve seen, since she seems to be channelling a sauced-up version of Marie Antoinette. An Austrian who married into the French royal family? Not very English. We’d rather see her wear the ultimate iconic label of the United Kingdom – Alexander McQueen. For spring/summer 14, she can even flaunt the colours of the Union Jack.

2 / 7

MISS JAPAN: While it’s fun to be offered a glow stick in your matcha halfway through a sado tea ceremony, it would be great if Miss Japan could put the raver-geisha theme on the shelf for just one year and go with something… darker. Rei Kawakubo’s challenging designs are every bit as Japanese as kimonos, so we’d like her to try Comme Des Garçons.

3 / 7

MISS NETHERLANDS: No self-respecting Dutch woman would be caught dead with tulips on her ankles and a windmill on her head. Instead, she should channel the classic – almost puritan – shapes of Viktor & Rolf SS13, with a touch of silver, spikes and chevrons to speak to her modern ambitions.

4 / 7

MISS SWEDEN: Rather than armour, new-gen Vikings now prefer to cloak themselves in Acne’s icy cool. When you can fend off glances with a fiercely cut trouser and gleaming sandal, you really don’t need to carry a whip and a sword anymore.

5 / 7

MISS USA: Giant mecha robots are about as American as apple pie. No, not really. You know what is American though? Prom queens. And that’s all we want to see on the Miss USA runway. Zac Posen is the king of the prom queens, and this dress is perfect.

6 / 7

MISS ITALY: I like Venice as much as the next hopeless romantic, but masks and ball gowns don’t really feel relevant to today, if you know what I mean? The ultimate Miss Italy is a woman who wears nothing but Miu Miu – she’s still glitz and and glam, but she knows when to send herself up.

7 / 7

MISS BELGIUM: Last time I checked – and it was April, so things could have changed – Brussels was not one of the circles of hell. Now I know eating nothing but fries and waffles and drinking nothing but beer is considered a sin in some circles, but dressing as the devil’s handmaiden does seem a little excessive. Especially when you could wear Dries Van Noten instead.