I am relatively new to this site and recently something happened and I don't know what to think about it or how to process it. Here it is: About a week ago I emailed a gentleman whose profile I found interesting and asked if he thought my profile was interesting. He emailed me back and sent me his email and phone number (SO YOU WOULD THINK THAT HE ALSO SAW MY PROFILE [WITH MY PIC] AND THOUGHT THAT I WAS ACCEPTABLE).

The first phone conversation that we had lasted nearly THREE hours!!! We talked about everything from religion to politics to history. It was like everything that I have told GOD that I wanted in a man, he fit it. We have similar backgrounds, have similar morals, values, and principles. I had never felt such a connection to anyone before (of course I didn't tell him that).

Well, we talked a bit the next day and the day after that we sent text messages back and forth. He sent me a recent pic of himself and I explained to him that I didn't take pictures because I was ugly and fat. Now again, the one pic that I have recently taken is on my profile page. I don't think I am extremely ugly, I guess just a bit or average. I use self-deprecating humor as a defense mechanism, I guess.

Well the next day he texted me and wrote that he didn't think we were a good match and it was nice talking to me. I responded by saying that I was confused but I told him good luck and take care. NOW I am really bugging out about what went wrong. I wasn't being pushy or taking things too fast or anything. I just don't know exactly what I did to turn him off.

The ONLY thing that I can possibly come up with is after I said that I didn't take pictures is because I was fat and ugly, he went to my profile AND ACTUALLY REALLY LOOKED AT MY PIC, AGREED THAT I WAS FAT AND UGLY, AND DECIDED THAT I WAS NOT WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR. This is the best that I can come up with but I am still confused because my pic was always on my profile and I assumed that he saw it prior to giving me his number and as far as being fat that site is called large friends for a reason, right!!!

I will not ask him directly, but I was hoping that someone could offer me their opinion of my situation. Whatever I did, I don't want to do it the next time I meet a guy (IF THERE IS A NEXT TIME). Thanks for your opinions and advice.

5Comments

I don't know if you are still around here to read this, but if someone said to me they were not going to send me their because "because I'm skinny and ugly" (reversing the roles here, haha) then I would think either (a) this person has really low self-esteem and I'm not sure I want a partner that is always looking to me to make him feel good about himself, (b) I might feel manipulated, like he was fishing for compliments, or (c) I might worry that the photo on his profile was not really him and that he had a fake photo up. And it would all seem like too much to try to weed through.
If I were a man, one of the reasons I would come to a BBW site (other than because I preferred large women) would be because I was tired of listening to all the big women I like putting themselves down and trying so hard to be skinny.
In fact, I naively ASSUME a women on a BBW site accepts herself -- because she recognizes that accepting herself is part of what makes her so sexy! But that is a big assumption. Maybe there are a lot of BBW that come here and to other BBW sites without having accepted themselves yet?

Last but not least, I'd say not to take it too hard. A person can spend hours and hours on the phone with someone they have never met in person and feel like they are just PERFECT -- and then when they meet in person it can be TOTALLY different -- and not so great (and possibly vice versa)! There is no substitute for meeting in PERSON -- believe me, I know because I learned that the hard way!!!

No one has seemed to mention the red flag waving around. If this person was interested enough in talking to you as much as he did, then he probably had hopes on it becoming more. When your reply to not having a picture was: “I don’t have one because I’m ugly and fat”. What do you think that says to him? It says that you have extreme insecurities and lack confidence. A person without confidence loses their appeal. Look at it this way, would you want to date someone who you know you would always have to reassure? Most importantly, would you want to date someone who doesn’t even love themself? Hun, how do you think you’ll be able to love another when you can’t even love yourself? The bigger issue here is that perhaps you need to take a moment to start reevaluating your self-esteem. Start changing your mindset, you’ve told yourself you were ugly and fat for so long that you now have it ingrained in you. Remember life and death is in the power of the tongue, therefore speak life. It will open your mind and in turn open your eyes…

I agree with NerdyGuy, you are NOT ugly.
And I agree with JoiedeVivre - whatever the problem is, it's not yours, it's his.
(And what a baby! He can't even suck it up and tell you what happened? Generic "it won't work" and away he runs... lame.)

I started talking with a woman from this site once who I really liked but I cut it short because of her location. I'm not a needy person but I do want someone who's accessible and someone I can touch and hug if I've had a bad day and she was 1000 miles away. I didn't think it was fair to either of us to let it go further but I didn't just leave her hanging; I told her my reason.

Another possibility is that maybe he felt like he was ugly and didn't want to get hurt. You don't realize how fragile a man's ego is. I struggle with self-esteem issues from time to time even though women say I'm good looking. Granted, those women who say that are my mom, sisters, grandma, etc, but they're still women right? Their opinions still count RIGHT?!?

Don't worry about one man. People have very different tastes and there are a whole bunch of dudes who'll look at you and see the beautiful princess they've been waiting their whole lives for.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Without an honest answer - and "sorry, we're not compatible" is the ultimate cop-out, you will never know for certain.

And think about it - you might just have saved yourself from a scammer keen to get to know you and sus you out for the potential to be scammed.

I have to admit though, I often wonder why men are on this site after big women. No men of my acquaintance will admit to liking big women. So many guys seem to be after a bit on the side to supplement what they're not getting at home from their spouses or partners. And that's the biggest insult to every big, beautiful woman on this website who is here because she wants to find someone with whom to share her life.

Take a deep breath, look at that guy who turned you away after all of that talking and soul searching, and think to yourself: "Sorry, honey, it's not me - it's YOU!!!"