1. The 3-headed monster

Are these guys triplets? Mom must be proud.

I doubt anyone in Zambia could fill this super-sized toga, and what I mean by that is, not even three normal-sized Africans could. It’d take a village. I’m trying to imagine what the actual personalization might look like — Larry-Moe-Curly springs to mind, or Nina-Pinta-Santa Maria — maybe just Titanic, in pieces? Woody Allen, Mia Farrow and Soon-Yi (Eighties reference). Sybil (Seventies). Who’s the target consumer here, besides the broad side of a barn? The ad suggests it’s for sports fans or “best friends” or … “meetings” … whoa, is that what that says? Maybe only Mad Men-style meetings.

2. Pre-shrunk: A new spin on an old classic

This was probably the first “funny” T-shirt ever conceived, circa the Pleistocene epoch. But I’m plain offended by this updated, depraved abomination. IT’S MISSING ITS APOSTROPHE!!!!!! (I’m also confused. Is this for loser expectant mothers or fallen politicians?)

3. Disease du jour

I’m all for autism awareness. (Seems an oxymoron?) No, seriously, T-shirts are for showing pride, and I feel compassion for and fully support anyone with autism, and their families. Just tell me, what misguided, sadistic parent would dress their kid in this? Wrong on so many levels, including the price.

4. X-tremely politically incorrect

I figured I needed to include something political, given that T-shirts = freedom of expression, plus it’s an election year.

Foulmouthshirts.com (do NOT go there) is your ticket to equal-opportunity skewering — and I don’t mean or even want to do an ad for it. After browsing their selection, I felt the need to shower in Dawn detergent.

Funny thing, though, there’s a button on the site to click for its G-rated version. Spoiler alert: It berates you with an ear-douche of expletives for your schoolgirl naivete that they’d even have a G-rated version — and that’s putting it mildly.

So, let me give a blanket blankety-blank thumbs down to every shirt on the entire site. This one in particular … a puzzler:

I'm sorry. ... WHAT!?

5. His ‘n’ hers

Finally, it’s spring. Romance in the air. A whole industry seems to be springing up around the notion of informal bridal wear.

Yet, am I crazy? I thought this message was what the ring was for. And the guy’s version … really, a wife-beater?

Hers. (Also available in black.)

His. (Available in New York, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, New Hampshire, Washington, Maryland, the District of Columbia and maybe to be restocked soon in California.)