Yvonne K. Fulbright Ph.D.

How to Handle Your Monster-in-Law

Take on the beast.

In many families, the mother-in-law is jokingly referred to as the “monster-in-law.” Yet, the strain that parents-in-law can place on a couple is no laughing matter. It can, in fact, ultimately destroy a relationship. According to parenting website Netmums, one in four daughters-in-law (DIL) despise their mother-in-law (MIL), finding her “controlling.”

The site’s poll of about 2,000 women found that the DILs’ resentment stemmed largely from MILs thinking that they are the ultimate authority on parenting. A classic example is an MIL undermining a DIL in front of her husband and children. Other complaints included being made to feel not good enough for their partner, and over a third of respondents described their MIL as “judgmental” or “interfering.” Not surprisingly, nearly a quarter of respondents described their relationship with their MIL as “bad” or “terrible.” In some cases, the stress of the in-law situation led to families moving away or even to marital collapse.

Needless to say, the MIL/DIL relationship is most stressful for the DIL. If your own situation is causing you anguish, learning how to manage your feelings and the situation is critical in taking care of your well-being and ultimately, your family’s.

1. First, sit with the self.

Before you can take on your MIL, you need to give yourself a time-out (probably more than one) to evaluate the situation and develop a game plan that’s right for you. Find a quiet space free of distractions where you can note everything that has taken place to date.

Allow yourself to process the list, mulling and fuming over it — getting all your feelings out — until you can revisit it with a calmer frame of mind. This will enable you to constructively take on the situation, coming from a more rational space when moving forward.

2. Consider where your MIL is coming from.

With or without empathy or sympathy, try to see your MIL’s side, and how her behavior may be a symptom of larger issues she has with herself and her relationship with your spouse — and not you. In some cases, a mother-in-law's hostility may be an act of frustration over being disconnected from him. If this is the case, this is something that your husband needs to work on with his mother.

While it's challenging, try to be objective as you evaluate the situation. Honestly ask yourself if she has a valid opinion. Consider if her actions and words are coming from a place of love, and if this needs to be acknowledged. Consider, too, if she’s struggling with feelings of having been dethroned in her family, and if there are ways you can make her feel important and needed in her own way.

3. Ask yourself what role you’re playing in the situation.

There are situations in which a person has done nothing to cause the relationship with in-laws to become strained. Yet there are also situations in which the DIL is doing, or not doing, something that is causing the in-laws to treat her the way they are, warranted or not. Think back to how you’ve engaged your in-laws, and ask yourself honestly if a third party could find fault with that. Are you a total victim in this scenario, or do you do or say things to instigate a negative response? If so, consider how you can change the way you’re handling the situation or reacting to it, so as not to invite any antagonism.

4. Don’t have any expectations.

We can all learn from the Buddhist belief that expectations lead to suffering. Don’t allow yourself to suffer any more: Let go of expectations around how things "should" be when it comes to family relationships. Don’t want what you can’t have. Instead, be realistic about the situation, including any nonnegotiable circumstances. If you’re not going to be close, given what has transpired, maybe that’s for the better. Instead of trying to live out some Hallmark illusion, contemplate how you can work with the way things are. For example, is a coolish relationship possible?

5. Be okay with not having their approval.

You don’t need anyone’s approval to live your life the way you want. Don’t drive yourself crazy trying to get your in-laws' thumbs-up. Not caring what they think about you could be freeing and empowering.

6. Trust your instincts.

If your intuition sounds the alarm, listen to it. It’s there to take care of you, as Camilla, a 35-year-old consultant, learned: “The first time I met my mother-in-law, I found her warm and beautiful. But when she hugged me good-bye at the end of that evening, something went off in me indicating that this wasn’t a good person. Sadly, my instincts weren’t wrong.”

How to Engage

Unless your spouse wants nothing to do with his parents, you can’t ignore your in-laws. So when you find yourself in their company, do the following:

7. Don’t try to fake a relationship that isn’t there.

Yes, they’re legally your parents-in-law, but are they really treating you like family? You don’t need to refer to your in-laws as “Dad” or “Mother,” if there is no intimacy or warmth that warrants the use of the terms. Using these words also adds to a power dynamic with them that may not work for you. In calling your parents-in-law by their first names, you create a more level playing field.

This needs to remain central, no matter what you’re communicating. While initial attempts to engage your in-laws should be courteous, the problem with being too polite for fear of coming across as rude or pushy is that you don’t establish necessary boundaries. Thus, you aren’t able to communicate how deep the problems are, and how troubled you are.

Remember, you’re not necessarily dealing with a person or people who are nice. You don’t need to always play nice in getting your points across.

9. Avoid stooping to her level.

It is tempting to fight fire with fire, taking digs at your MIL, calling her names, or being equally rude. Don’t go there. In your discussions, no matter how heated, stick with the facts. Interact using mindfulness, and take the higher road without compromising how you will allow yourself to be treated.

Source: YAKOBCHUK VIACHESLAV/Shutterstock

How to Stay in Control of Your Emotions

Central to managing your in-laws is managing your emotions:

10. Don’t take criticisms personally.

As Hilary Rodham Clinton put it: “Take criticism seriously, but not personally. If there is truth or merit in the criticism, try to learn from it. Otherwise, let it roll right off you.” In many cases, you’ll realize that your MIL is just being her usual self, and that she, at the end of the day, has to deal with herself and the consequences of her actions.

When she throws dirt your way, have a visualization exercise that allows the statement to literally roll off your back. Envision what she just said captured in a water balloon, which then rolls off your shoulders and down your back before smashing on the ground below your feet.

This might be going for a walk following a difficult interaction, or hitting the pool to blow off some steam, or taking to the golf course for some relaxation. You cannot allow the anger to consume you, or else it will destroy you and your marriage. Find your outlets for working through the negative energy on a regular basis.

12. Find trusted persons to vent to.

Your spouse may not always be in the mood to hear about how awful his mother and parents are. It’s important to turn to good friends and/or support groups in getting some things off of your chest. Your marriage will become even more strained otherwise.

When All Else Fails

13. Practice a "healthy selfishness.”

You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of a situation. This involves excusing yourself from family gatherings for some quality “me time,” not answering the phone when you know it’s your MIL, and keeping your distance as a couple around times like the holiday to take care of yourselves and your family, in spite of expectations. It is only when people practice this kind of “me” and “us” prioritizing that they reach their full potential.

14. Opt out.

Some in-law situations never get to a better place. As Christina Steinorth stated on yourtango.com: “Just because you’re married, you’re under no obligation to be emotionally abused by toxic people.” If your MIL was a boyfriend, your friends would tell you to dump him. If your MIL bullied someone, people would advise that person to keep his distance and set limits. Just because she’s your MIL doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate abuse.

15. Limit your in-laws’ involvement.

Whenever anyone becomes toxic to your marriage or family, you have the right to roll up the “Welcome” mat and say, “Game over.” You, your spouse, and your primary family have the right to a peaceful existence, with the people in your circle being those who are a positive and supportive presence. If you are being disrespected and mistreated by your in-laws, then they aren’t entitled to the privileges that come with being in that circle. You have every right to draw and maintain strong boundaries in protecting yourself and your marriage. Nobody has the right to make your life miserable, and only you can make sure of that.

What this article seems to be lacking is a general concept of compromise. Families, a lot of the time, involve compromise. The more people added and the more extended the family becomes the more diverse beliefs, feelings, and opinions become. If we all decided to protect ourselves from these differences by wrapping ourselves in our own little 'me' bubble, then we will ultimately deny ourselves being part of a family unit. By marrying in to a family, you have to accept that your in-laws may differ from you in many ways. They have perhaps brought up their children (including your spouse) in a way you may not agree with, they may hold political or religious views you can't abide. But in marry their child you have to show a level of acceptance, respect and compromise. If not for your own sanity, for the sake of your relationship.

Heaven knows, this only becomes more and more important once grandchildren are added to the mix. You surely cannot apply the same 'healthy selfishness' when children are involved. Denying a child a relationship with their grandparents just because you do not have a good relationship with them, is just plain selfish and certainly something the child will not thank you for later in life. Indeed, the idea of compromise, of grinning-and-bearing-it, and of biting your tongue become increasingly important the older the child gets. You may not respect them as your in-laws, but you have to respect them as your children's grandparents. But then I am working on the assumption that this article is written pre-children.

Harmony within a family environment only ever really comes about when people are respectful of each others beliefs, opinions and feelings, but also when they are able to accept that there will be disagreements, and sometimes criticism. This is just part of a healthy family dynamic. I'm not saying you have to be a complete walk over. You have the right to voice your opinions and views as much as anyone else does, but hiding away from annoying family members really does not do any good in the long term. You can't hide forever without it ultimately affecting the relationship that first brought you in to their lives – your marriage.

I can't say I agree with you about compromising when it comes to kids being involved. My mother in-law has bullied my son since day one practically while putting my daughter up on a pedestal. This went on for several years with everyone telling me to just keep the peace before it got so bad that neither one of my kids wanted to visit them. I put my foot down and it has basically started world war 3, but my kids come first. You aren't going to treat my kid like crap and get away with it! It's been a year and a half and the two times she has seen the kids she's barely said hi to them. Just this last week we were at a family function for the first time since everything went down and she went around and said goodbye to every other kid that was there but mine. Yes, the kids talk about them, but they don't ask to see them like they do my parents. My in-laws did this to themselves and I refuse to subject my kids to their Idiocracy! Plus, the in-laws refuse to allow me to have any sort of opinion or feelings about the matter. The instant I told them why I was upset they rold us they never wanted to hear from us again. They demand respect but refuse to return it. After nearly 18 years of putting up with disrespect I've had enough. I'm not going to allow anyone to walk all over me anymore! I don't like confrontation but sometimes you just have to put your foot down and say no! Sure it's been hard on my marriage but my husband is understanding. It's never been a walk in the park for him when it comes to his parents anyway. He could have had it worse, but he also could have had it better growing up with them...I see the sadness in his eyes everyday from the hell his mom out him through. I don't want my kids to feel the same thing! So...no compromising here!!!

Totally agree. Parents hold the full responsibility of their children, grandparents as important a role they have, they are mere bystandarders. Before I was married my Mil was an angel but afterwards her true colours came out, she cries crocodile tears to make my husband feel guilty, both my Pil throw massive tantrums towards my husband when they dont get their way. Funnily enough so far they havent done it to me in person and only show such behaviour in private to my husband.
It has put a lot of stress on my marriage. Unfortunately I went the wrong way about it and exploded every time my husband - despite our initial decisions - would come home after relenting to his parents whims.
Now I try and discuss things in a normal and calm manner but it could take several hours of discussions to deal with the mess his parents put us through.
Before we were married I honestly respected and trusted them but now with their secret fits and closet behaviours I have no feelings towards them. Any private thing his mother learns about me, loosing a job, having financial problems, private medical problems she goes off and discusses it with her friends and other family members. Its like I am her topic of juicy gossip. It is clear his parents have a complete disregard for my feelings and what I want for my son. They believe because they are his grandparents they have equal rights, if not more, as I and my husband does. Also sad that I secretly think my husband believes this as well.

Now Im looking for a new job abroad that pays a bigger salary than my husbands as I want to be as far away from these vultures as much as possible. They just pick and pick at our marriage to critisize us. Thankfully my husband has agreed if I can earn enough to support us until he finds himself a new job he will relocate. I believe this is the only way to save our marriage to put some large distance between us and them. The less influence they have the better.
I have faith in my marriage, in them I do not.

I can rely to this, most of our arguments have to do with his mother, she kept insulting me over the years and he found excuses for her. He is 46 and lives with his mother, we intend to move in together and now it is heating up. Now a few weeks ago she took it to another level and insulted me in front of him in our favourite restaurant. And now I got more insulting text messages, which of course picture me as the devil. Very close of giving up, after all we are not married and have no children. Live is just too short...

But doesn't running mean the MIL wins? I'm so in love why must I end a perfect relationship...it really is perfect besides the MIL. We've been dating for almost 5 years now never had a break up never even a fight the longest we've gone without talking was probably like an hour we love each other so so much, guess I'll just have to put up with MIL

From day one when I first met my mother in law she asked me if I was Italian or went to church, what religion, etc. I knew then after the interrogation she was going to be a hand full. When after two years of dating my husband asked my father for my hand in marriage, my family loved my husband to be. When my mil was told we were engaged she said "why didn't you ask me for my opinion?" again warning signs. When we were trying to organise our wedding I thought to keep her happy and start organising a big Italian ceremony which I'm not Italian but thought I would do the right thing. Planned the big Italian church, Priest, reception etc and the only thing I wanted my way was who was I going to have as my bridesmaids (which was my sister, my cousin and my best friend) well that caused world war 4 in our house as she always promised her niece she would be in her son's wedding, (I didn't like the bitch and I did not want to have her with me all day in my wedding). Things she said then has always stuck in my head, when she started bagging my family for having it all my way, she will never attend a wedding that she couldn't have her say in what she wanted. All this for me only wanting one thing on my wedding day. My husband and I have been married 18 years this year and my mil still tries to manipulate our relationship and still causes major head aches and still the only arguments we have involves her.
After she insulted me while we were engaged, I cancelled the big Italian church, the Priest and the 300 people at the reception and ended up having an Irish Priest in a small Catholic church and 180 people at our reception. The only thing she had was her niece (who she wanted as my bridemaid) hand out the booklets in the church and yes she gave us more problems days leading up to the wedding hoping we might cancel.
I would like to say every time I've tried to be nice and think she's now older and I let my guard down she has always made me regret it by saying very hurtful things that stays with you for months but the only way that's helped me is distance. I'm lucky she can't drive so she only sees us when we go down to her which I try and drag it out to once a month and even that is to soon but I do it for my husband.
Yes he stands by me most of the time but as his mum is so manipulative all the time she wares him down and he's then struggling with me and her. We have two beautiful boys and it depends on which son does better at that time in life that he is her favourite and the other gets no attention.
Life does get really hard and if I had my choice again when I was dating my husband I would have said good bye even when we did love each other so much the head aches that come with it doesn't compare with the hurt they give. Just remember in their eyes no matter how hard you try to please them and give them everything you will never be good enough for their son and it only makes matters worst as they still will not be happy for what you do for them, so don't try.
My Mil had a stroke a few years back and the only thing that affected her was her speech, which I do believe was Karma. I'm not the only one she treats like this it's everyone and she wonders why she is now a lonely old woman and the only people that visit her is us, so you would think she would try and be nice, but No.
Best of Luck with your decision and unless you have a partner that wants or can distance yourselves from the abuse go for it but if you don't get the support, RUN.

I'm going through this now. I told my Husband had I known how she really was I wouldn't have married him. He feels like I shouldn't let her affect our marriage because he didn't marry her. She didn't come to my bridal shower she never addressed it or even said she's sorry she couldn't make it. The week before our wedding she said some mean things to me about my husband "oh you'll see how he is (with hand motions) I'll let you deal with him, I birthed him and etc etc" I have just decided to stay away from her. She think she's entitled to me since I married her son; NOT. She's done way more than aforementioned I just don't feel like writing everything.

I am in the same situation. I am married for 10 years. My husband is from different culture and religion. We have gone through a lot due to me being a white and Muslim. Even they have tried to make him get married with a girl from the same culture and religion even though they did know that he is married to him. I do remember him going to his country just to please his mother in law and mother in law. The things became worse when I had my son. She did even blamed my own son about her arms being broken, she said my son was a bad sign. After a month of my son birth my brother dies unexpectedly and my family needed a little bit financial support which I did it immediately, that caused the biggest problem . She thought I am spending my husband's money. I yelled her that it was my money. I worked since I know myself how could she behaved the way. Years passed by every time they came to my house they dominated everything I had to bite my tongue, scream, fight etc. Every year 3-5 months with them. Last year I came to a point that I had to break down on the road, screaming my head off because of anger. My husband told me that he wont be calling them for a while then what happened? This year again they came to my house in August for staying until December. I told my husband this is no good and too long for me to stand them. Everything at the beginning was ok I was trying to change myself and avoid the conflicts etc. until my father in law did something blunder which embrassed our family in front everyone. When I was dealing with his behaviour, going through all the stress, my mother in law started to create a problem. her problem is I didn't talk with him, I didn't wear the dress she gave me on the religious function. She created drama for nearly 2 weeks not talking with anyone in my house, shouting at my husband as he is the enemy, pushing her way through to do whatever she wants. She even ignored my son not talking with him just passed by him without having any gesture or small talk. Yes everything is happened in my house, in my own house. Enough was enough I have asked my husband to buy their return ticket so they could go back to their country. I know he is sad and going through the stress because of the situation. I told him that I wont accept her bullying behaviour towards me and my son or even to him. I accepted everything what they have put me through, changing my name, pushing me to call themselves mother and father. I cannot take it anymore. I told them the person they had over the years died now, they cannot call me whatever they want, I wont call them mom and dad and they are not welcomed to my house whenever they want. Told them I wont tolerate the behaviours anymore they cannot behave as they want , they cannot make the things change at my own house. I am sad for my son because I lost my mom and dad very early and I have never had a chance to meet with my grandparents. But I think they deserve him. The relation cannot be on their terms, whenever they are happy with us they show love to my son if not then he is nothing to them.

I have an advise to everyone. Love cannot live long enough if there is no respect. From my experiences I have learned that the love is just an illusion. Please if you have a boyfriend whose family is like that , please, before it is too late run away. You will find love again, trust the universe or god or whatever you believe.

You are not born for them, you are not born to endure everything they put you through.

I am in difficult situation because after all since my husband thinks that this kind of things can happen in the family and I have to bear this. He says me Nobody's perfect so I have to calm down and accept.

If my son wouldn't be there I wouldn't even look back. I have to respect my son's emotions so I have to somehow handle this too. But I am so angry and broken ...

I pray to god that to give me strength, mind and some sense so that in future I wont turn like them. That is my pray.

I have read many articles online that talks abut wives having problem with their inlaws. in contrast to you ladies with inlaws problem, I am afraid i am one of the few males having such problem. They live overseas for now. thanks God.
Shortly after my first child was born, my lnlaws who were staying with us for 6 wks to "oversee" the birth of my child, they caused a big scene resulted in my wife wanting to divorce. They turned my wife against me over the tiniest things. One example was that on rushing to work i was just talking louder than usual so as to allow her to hear me from the room next door if she had seen my work shirt which i prepared the day before for work (my inlaws thinking they now own my house decided to relocated my things). My inlaws managed to psycho my wife into thinking that i was verbally abusive and treating her like maid in looking after my work shirt- a complete lie. Since when a person talking to another in a different room being seen as verbally abusive? I didnt ask inlaws directly because they will react negatively to things i say. They reshuffled my furniture. and they reorganised my entire kitchen without asking. And when i was obviously and quietly upset with their behaviour, the accused me of being a control freak and then convinced my wife to think the same. This time they went too far, they have been doing similar acts whenever they visit but this time really nearly cost us our marriage and early family life. They even plotted to convince my wife to take my child away to them in month 3.They took advantage of the fact that my wife was not mentally in-tuned post-child birth. They screamed at my mother when she visited me, and chased me out of the liviing room as I tried to protect my mum from such abuse (my mum is 70). My in-laws want their way. they come to my house and decided on a hostile takeover. You do not come to someone's house and then show no respect to the host and his parent. I have been living in my current house even before i got married so technically the house is not my inlaws to claim rights over it.My mum had been very supportive and decided not to take any further action against the inlaws so as to save our marriage (despite fact that their abusive behaviour hurt her so much). My inlaws threatened my wife that if she didnt not listen to them, they would disown her. My wife treat them as God that she shall never disobey her parents (thanks to being intoxicated by her upbringing). I have discussed with my wife that my inlaws behaviour is costing us our marriage and something needs to change. She reacted very angrily and thinks that she will give up anything for her parents. Her parents repeatedly say they are not trying to break our marriage, but their actions had been showing otherwise. We have been attending a marriage course in a local church and one of the topics talked about Parental Control explaining that once we are married, we are no longer under our parents control and parents would be our "advisor" and cannot control us in the same way we were a child. Apparently her parents still think they have exclusive control rights over my wife and thus myself. They live overseas, so whenever they come here to cause havoc, i didnt not feel right to chase them out of my house for i am responsible for them as my guests. When (and if) I visit them, I will be prepared to excuse myself and my child to leave their house and to fly home early. (BTW, my FIL charged my wife and i a "rental" fee when i visited my inlaws the last time)

It feels like my mil hates me. I don't understand it. I read that you're not meant to understand it. I can't move forward. I married my DH in August and my mil didn't get her way with her sister being invited to other events around the wedding day that we wanted to keep smaller. She wanted a 'clear the air' meeting where she basically shouted at me and told me that 'if You ever have children I hope they don't treat you this way !' (Bearing in mind, she knew that my DH was told we had a very low chance of naturally conceiving.) She shouted at me and said it was all about my family. I said that the day was about me and DH and it was our decision. (My hands were shaking under the table with anger and frustration but I spoke calmly) she got her husband, my DH step dad to do most of her talking. ( I call him the puppet) he said it was about family. Four years previous my SIL was married and the mother told her if her father gave her away that she wouldn't come and nor would her side of the family. I knew I had my work cut out at this point.
The sister in law has never got on with me. She didn't speak to me for an evening because I told her that Sydney was in New South Wales after she told me she would be visiting both seperately. Then we went shopping as I wanted to try and get along with her away from everyone else's influence. It was the most difficult shopping trip I have ever had. She was pregnant at the time saying she was having to get bigger clothes etc. I kept saying she looked lovely and I wish I could have a baby. (She knew our situation)
I tried on some shorts for the summer ahead and I said I wasn't sure about them. She said 'oh I've got thunder thighs too!' I just can't understand that they say and behave in the way they do without considering others feelings.
The MiL was coming over after the SIL had the baby telling us she was annoyed that we hadn't visited and that we should visit. She was annoyed that we hadn't got the nephew a card saying from your uncle on it. At this point I always thought the sister was a nightmare and I was teaching at this time and it was Christmas and end of term and stress city. I text his sister saying we want to come and see the baby but that she must understand we both work and that I just can't simply drop commitments because she says so. I said that we would see her in the school holidays. She took great offence to this and she told my DH that she never wanted to speak to me again and that I wasn't to text her. A week later was my birthday and I received a present from her!?!? I text to say thanks. Naturally.
We went to visit the Mil's parents on the way to London and I explained what I had done and that his sister has said that she wouldn't be going to the Christmas meal if I was there. I explained and showed them the message I had sent. I said that I would rather not go and let them all go that I didn't want any more upset. They insisted I go as I was now 'part of the family' they said 'she is jealous of you because you and DH are happy and she isn't happy with her husband.'
I went to the family event and they had sat us at two different ends of the table in the restaurant. I felt sick on the way there with anxiety and fear. We drove up with the step sister and fiancé in the back as they wanted a lift. When we arrived they say us away from her and she was say so we could see each other. She swapped seats with the mil so she couldn't see me I suppose?! Then later the baby was being passed around. I said no thank you to holding it. Partly because it's a sensitive issue and because she hates me. Anyway the gran insisted I held it so I did. As soon as I did the sister got up and stormed out to the toilet. I felt humiliated. Later after food we left and I cried. It's the pressure and the being put in the situation.
Due to the wedding being the following year I thought I had best make some sort of relationship and forgive whatever had happened. The mil had come round crying saying her family is falling apart. I think she meant her daughter and me but it was never quite clear as that is all she mentioned. I phoned the sister and left a message saying I wanted to meet up if she would like to as we would want Herat the wedding and we need to establish somebody of relationship. She text later saying we could do. We did and it was awkward. She cried and told me I was rude and that she had showed her friends my text and they also agreed how rude it was. I apologised of she had misinterpreted the meaning but that it is difficult to have time to go and visit people at end of term and that because she hadn't really been that nice in the past that I didn't want to see her if I had any spare time at that time. She told me her baby was her world and that I had ruined the first few days with the new baby with my rude text. I reminded her that we may not be able to have children and perhaps she should think that it is a personal decision and not because we didn't like the baby that I didn't want to go and visit. She told me I should have told her. I replied telling her that she knew our situation so it didn't need explaining. At the end of this my DH and her husband came to us and she said she tight we could be good friends. (I think they are insane)
The build up to the wedding later on in the months we were trying to sort accommodation at the venue which was expensive and only had 11 rooms. The mil wanted rooms for herself her nephew and her sister and parents and her daughter (SIL)
We said that we had reserved rooms for bridesmaids, best man, my aunt from oz too and that his sister wouldn't be able to have a room because we couldn't accommodate and we were reserving them for people travelling down to us. The mil told me we ought to tell her. I asked why. She said well she will want to stay. I said that my brother wasn't staying because he lived close too and that I was sure she would understand. She I insisted we tell her. (All about them) Further down the line the aunt said she wouldn't stay. We then had a £500 room to fill. His sister said that she couldn't afford it and wanted to go home as only lived a mile down the road. It was all sorted eventually
Although we had to pay towards some rooms.
There was a bbq on the night before which we agreed to keep small as a welcome to guests to the venue who were staying. The mil said her sister as coming. We said that we were sorry but it's only for people staying as its a small gathering. She was annoyed as she said she wanted her there. My DH explained in three visits to her that month why we were keeping it small. That my aunts and uncles who weren't staying but were travelling down weren't coming either. She didn't accept that.
At the 'clear the air' meeting the week before the wedding she said that she wanted her sister there because she was staying in their house as they were staying at the venue. We said we were sorry but that we had to keep numbers down and explained again that my aunts and uncles weren't coming apart from the one from oz who was staying at the venue. Also that now the food was ordered for the numbers given. She shouted at me and told me it was all about my family and I said you told us she was staying and now she isn't so we have had that place to fill and that couple are now coming to the bbq. She didn't like this. She then got 'the puppet' to say 'if Your sister and aunt can't come to the bbq then we won't come and neither will your man and grandad!' They asked my DH if he would want to go to the alteranative meal with them. He declined.
At the Friday before the wedding we had the bbq and it was lovely. Due to them pulling out after food was ordered we invited my DHs dad and step mum and DHs brothers. It was so relaxed and everyone was jolly. No tense moments. Later the mil and grandparents arrived back to the venue. They say in a separate lounge room from us all and I went in with panic in my chest thinking I am going to try here. I walked over and asked how their meal was. I gave them hugs and got the ice maiden in return from all! It was so sad. I introduce them to my bridesmaids and they were even cold to them.
The morning of the wedding I was enjoying getting ready with the girls and at the wedding it was lovely. It was outdoors and it was a glorious day. His mum is seen in our wedding video with a miserable face and when they threw confetti she had gone from her seat. The sister did a reading and the mil signed the register. I wanted to offer something to them which now I wish I hadn't bothered. It was un noticed and not even thanked or bothered about. They didn't speak to me all day. Didn't come and congratulate me. I was afraid to go to them because they were in one area and didn't mix with any of the other families there. I just felt uncomfortable with them. Everyone noticed them as being miserable. At our first dance the nan is seen scowling at us in the back on the video and the sister left because she thought her husband was laughing at her with her dad?!? Didn't say goodbye or thank my parents for coming. At the later evening the mil didn't say good night to me of DH and then checked out the morning after and no goodbye. (Because the aunt wasn't allowed to come for breakfast they said they wouldn't stay either)
The nan had given us one week in their time share abroad for our honeymoon which we had thanked preciously before all this drama and she spoke to me for the first time at the end of he night and said 'have a lovely time at our place and remember your room number' I don't know if that was genuine nice or said to make me feel bad that they had given us that and I hadn't allowed the aunt to the bbq or breakfast!!
They also checked out that morning without goodbye.
After the wedding we went away on honeymoon and all I could think of was the way they had behaved and how they hated me.
My DH had written down everything they had said and done and he had started to realise what was what.
When we got back they asked him if he wanted to go to the Christmas markets with him away on bath. He said no.
Then Christmas came and he was sent cards and We were sent separate ones to both of us without kisses but there were kisses and nice words in his.
He had told his mum she upset him and she says nothing. She says she doesn't know what happened! She dropped his Christmas present over after he had said he didn't want gifts as won't heal this.
We went through IVF after the wedding and it was difficult but it was successful and we are delighted. He text his mother and she said 'that's great news!'
She didn't ask how we are. She never asks after me. I just don't know what to do. I feel frightened to see them out and about and I just don't want to see hem again. My parents can't believe it all and my friends and family would never treat anyone like this and neither would I.
I just don't understand it all and am having trouble getting over it. I wanted to let it go but every time they contact my DH it starts the feelings off again. They act as if it's all fine with him but he is hurt and it's causing friction between us when they make contact. Anyone else relate to this or think I am 'oversensitive?'
It's made me very ill. A cousin of my DH (the aunts son in fact) has a fiancé and we got very close on the build up to the wedding. She said she stuck up for me as they started doing the same to her as they are wedding planning. Telling her who should come etc. Making her do as they say. She told me they twisted what she had said and she never came to our wedding at the last minute because they had told her 'if you decide to come you won't be welcome!' She said they made her Ill with stress and gossiping about her and the cousin saying their wedding might be off etc.
I can't believe them. Please someone help. I want to move away but my parents are lovely and live nearby. Would hate to leave them. Living in fear and misery.
Thank you for reading.

Hi! I feel for you. You seem like a nice person. This is my opinion...It was your wedding so i think you should have had it your way. Seems like everyone was telling you both how to do everything. Maybe, just maybe you could have made some changes as to not "insult" anyone. But actually...your MIL should have realized it is your wedding so she should have just went along with whatever(even if her sister couldn't go) That's just the way it is!

I can only speak from experience, but i have had a toxic SIL for the last 30 years. I always tried to bite my tongue, don't say anything, etc. But nothing really worked. There were times when it seemed we were getting along, but then she would pull some really bad insult and would make me feel bad again. I never would fight back. What i did do is i eventually stopped going over and then was questioned by my brothers when i didn't want to "stop over my one brothers house" so i finally blurted out "i don't really like Sandy, and she is mean to me, and i don't feel comfortable" If i see her now i don't snub her or be mean. I just exchange some pleasantries and then move on and spend the time with my brothers, nieces, nephews, etc. She's even come to say to me "yeah...havent' seen you for awhile you should come by more ofter" which kind of scared me...because i fell for that before.

Now...the problem now is with one of my son's girlfriends. They have a baby together. She is from Serbia, and at first was really nice. Now..she is pretty mean to me. She changed the place where i was having a birthday party for my son(she doesn't like Chinese food) I allowed her to change the place(even though i was paying)because my son sounded sad on the phone like he was going to have a hard time with her. She hollered at me at the granddaughters first birthday because she mistakenly thought i was accusing the help of stealing a cellphone(i was just politely questioning the girl) They moved 18 hours away and she bashed me for not visiting embarrassing so in front of my friend(after she changed the original date i was suppose to come down) She bought me towels for Christmas once because she told me my towels were dirty at my house(they were just old but clean-but i didn't buy new ones because i was saving up to buy a new house) She said "that saving up thing is just stupid things American's do" I don't stay at their house anymore if i visit because i don't feel welcome. But she usually has a band of Serbians all staying there. She's accused me of not being "grandmotherly" towards the baby(the baby doesn't know me and i'm not pushing myself on the poor baby who is mostly learning Serbian) She bashes my son's father and new wife(we are divorced)and say they never come over(they only live 10 min away in Florida) Yeah? wonder why? Guess they don't feel welcome either.

Oh another thing. They(son and her)bragged the mother gave them $10,000 to buy a truck and they(mostly she)was telling me that insinuating like...people in Serbia are so giving...like i'm not giving enough. Update....Mom lives with them now(full time) so i guess if you give someone $10,000. they have to take care of you for life(ha ha ha) Also? Did i mention? This girlfriend does NOT WORK and yells at my son to vacuum, and yells at him when he drinks all the sodas, etc. He is a OTR Trucker so he's not home that much(Thank GOD) and he needs dental work while she is laying up on her butt not working. I mean why not get a job? Your Mom's there all the time(free babysitter) NOPE! Not the Seribian way!

My plan:
(1) Don't worry-they live far away i don't have to see them much.
(2) Have a talk with my son when we are alone and explain to him how she is disrespecting me and have him have a talk with her.
(3) Send presents on special days(no more for her)only baby and my son.
(4) Never never stay at their house. Last visit i had a condo 2 miles away and they gave me a tour bike and i rode it over to visit(that way i could leave when i want)
(5) When i do visit just exchange pleasantries(as with my SIL)and just mostly talk to my son. If i ever say anything or lash out I will be the one who is the bad one.(no eye rolls)
(6) Already told my other son and his girlfriend and my boyfriend what happened and they added their experiences which were similar(so it's not me).PS. The other son's girlfriend and me get along really really good.

To sum it up....I don't feel i'm hard to get along with. I don't feel like i am a bad person. I just think when you don't have a plan people who are controlling and mean and if they are family members just boss you around and it's better just to submissively distance yourself. Last time she hollered at me i felt sick to my stomach, embarrassed, and shaken and i'm so tired of that. Hopefully the Granddaughter will enjoy the presents i send. I don't think i'll be coming around that much. I have to watch how i handle this because i don't want to alienate my son. My son and i have and always had a great relationship.

I totally know how you feel, I've been through all that too, the saddest part is that my HD looks away, most of the times the mean comments or ways they do to make me feel an outsiders are when he's not around, so I feel like he thinks I am oversensitive, which makes me really sad. It's been 15 years of this drama and things haven't change.

choleA. your story sounds sooooo much like mine....i felt like i was reading something i wrote....im currently going through something like that with my in laws and my husband...my mother in law acts like my son is hers.....idk what else to do...is really stressful

Hey ChloeA! What you said is so right!!! My mother tells me that being a grandparent is the best thing ever and should never be abused. It is certainly a privilege and not a right! Unfortunately my mom lives states away and although I'm not even sure that I can have or will end up having kids,.. I am not too sure I would want to have children living 10 miles down the road from my fiancé of 4yrs parents! His mother is one of those who has a VERY rough time "cutting the umbilical cord". And she is a SUPER control freak who believes that her kids are perfect and that none of them can do any wrong. I do not approve of a lot of her mother skills in how she raised both of her kids (as my fiancé's sister is the biggest stuck up snob you'll ever meet and is enough to gag you for a lifetime!) And my fiancé has a handful of ugly qualities that I KNOW come straight from her and the spoil rotten manner in which she raised them. Everything twisted and opposite from the way my mom raised me. There is no love n respect factor with them. It is what my fiancé says "just is". No hugging, no verbal affection... it's quite cold hearted and disgusting. How can you love if you never feel love? I just wouldn't want to bring kids up around people like that. I would do just about anything to relocate AWAY from them and closer to my family. Florida vs Ohio, it would be worth it! Maybe it would be a good idea for your husband and you as well. I really wish we were friends because I can tell that we think a lot alike. It's sad when you have so many good people you can cross paths with on a daily basis (others, ah,.. not so much) but as luck has it, the ones you got "stuck with" are one of the shady horrible ones... Best of luck with your situation♡ And thanks for writing what you did.

I do think we are in the same situation. Been with my bf for over 20 yrs and we had minimal contact with his mother. His parents are divorced and we dont see his dad. My mum always had a good relationship with my bf but I was always distant with his mother from day one. She is Turkish so there is a language barrier. Since having my boy 2 yrs ago she has been angry with us. She did not agree on baby name and wanted her say in it. We mentioned the name was as is. Then she had no contact for 6 months at least, did not want to skype, see or hear from us including baby. We lived abroad and now I returned with baby, unfortunately she moved in meantime 5 min from our home and expects she can pop by each day whenever she wants. I work from home 5 days and my son goes to daycare 2,5 days. 1 day my mum takes care and she can come on Monday mornings. No she does not want to do that and wants my son to be with her or she wants to come by every evening for 10-15 min. I feel my privacy and mommy time will not be happening if she drops by. She has her opinions which are different which is fine but disrespects my wishes. She told my husband i keep her away from the baby as she has every right to visit when she wants. And that i lie. I did not accept her telling my bf I lie....and confronted her. She was telling me Im a bad mother/ should speak her language and be like a Turkish woman. God would punish me etc. My mom was bad person for not telling me how to behave etc....i said Im a grownup person and understand she might feel lonely ( all other grandchildren are not interested in her anymore as they are termagers and have their own frirnds and sports). But I refuge to be responsible for her happiness. She needs to make her own friend etc. I told her im not Turkish and will never be. If she wants a Turkish dil she should find one for my bf. I am just not letting her negativity rule my life. That i should feel uncomfortable being out whilst she might stand infront of a closed door or even tells my bf I dont open the door for her....i never would have guessed this would happen to me but the bedt way for me to deal with it is do what I want to do and keep mentioning she is welcome on Monday mornings. This leaves me with time with my friends and family for the rest of the week. But she refuses to come on Mondays. Well as long as my bf and myself are on 1 line its ok but as soon as she keeps on terrorising my bf ( calling and complaining) and he starts giving in I would sell the house and move abroad or at least few hours from her. I hope you are ok and will not let toxic people ruin your life. Take care Denise

I totally agree! My MIL is incredibly toxic to everyone around her. I tried for the first few years to deal with her fits and tantrums. I always stood my ground and just put a little more distance between us. Then my daughter came and all bets were off. You can treat me like crap and lie about me and spread rumors about me but you WILL NOT involve my child in any of that. She was actually telling people that my daughter was a mistake because we were engaged when we got pregnant and not yet married! Um no we are adults and we know how to get pregnant thank you! And she would constantly compare her two granddaughters to people when they were babies!! My daughter walked first so she said there must be something wrong with the other one.
She also is a totally moron who will believe anything someone tells her so she lives her life in constant fear and thinks others should as well. Why would I EVER allow my daughter to be around someone like that. Plus I'm actually afraid that she could harm my daughter because as she says this world is never getting any better.
So my daughter is 10 now. We moved away and we haven't seen them in more than 4 years. My husband finally realized that crazy is not something to ignore when a child is involved!
But I still wonder if I shouldn't have married him. So even with distance the question of should I still sticks!

I moved with my husband to the east coast from California. At first, I thought my MIL was pretty cool, nice, funny, however. 16 years later, and our son is about to graduate High School, I finally had enough of her manipulations, conniving, schemes, undermining, sarcastic ways. And it's funny, she can do this to your face and no one even notices. It's really pretty sad. My FIL is the most vial, disgusting, perverted pig I have ever known. His comments to my boys from a previous marriage were so vial and perverted, while my MIL stood there with a smirk on her face. I was at work while they visited them. I have always given her the benefit of the doubt as well. She has proven herself to be a vindictive, jealous woman. Hind site is 20/20! The list of things she has pulled and said are as long as arm! I think the final icing on the cake took place on Christmas Eve. Being that we're all Catholic, which they don't really practice the faith, but only on their terms. Well, Christmas Eve, we walk in their home, she immediately let's all five dogs in the house, after it was raining outside, and yes they smelled horrible. Then, we are forced to watching "Ted" a real vulgar movie to say the least. All the while she is making pleasant conversation, like she is really interested. Then, the FIL put's some cheesy mechanic program on with beautiful blond women fixing cars...No lie, this was for my benefit as my husband is a mechanic. A real spirit filled evening for sure. She also pulled this one...A night out at a local restaurant to celebrate my husband new job...we walk in and I noticed she was speaking to the waitress, she was almost whispering in her ear, that's how close she was standing next to her. As we all sit down at our table, the waitress comes over and starts flirting with my husband. It was so obvious, so obnoxious that my son, 16 at the time kicked me under the table. The waitress was actually coming on to my husband right there in the restaurant...My gut instinct alarm went off, yet I kept calm, until the next day I called the restaurant and made a formal complaint regarding her actions. This too was for my benefit, to make me jealous. She has a "get even spirit". Yet, I have always tried to be pleasant, always coming over for holidays, etc. Never to give any reason for her actions towards me. I might add, she knows people that work at this particular restaurant as well, which of course leads me to believe she would stoop this low, her past character traits are alarming. These horrid toxic in-laws pushed my last button this past get together. I may also add that my FIL on Christmas Eve stands up in the living room, looks at me and announces that he has to have surgery. I asked him for what, he pleasantly said that he has to have scarred tissue removed from his penis...of course she stood there with that usual smirk on her face...I came home and decided to write her a letter. Needless to say, I was very to the point in such a way that she finally knows now that I am on to her and her nasty games. My letter hit the nail on the head so to speak. I basically didn't need to lower myself, but simply used the same, exact methods I have watched her use on me for 16 years. I can now look at her with a smile on my face because I will never give her the benefit of the doubt ever again. I used her in my letter as to how people are so pathetic, and how they have such get even spirits. That they would go to such lengths to hurt someone. To smile when they say rude, crude remarks. I was able to construct this letter aimed at her, without making it obvious that I was pointing the finger at her or even blaming her. There is so much more, 16 years is a long time to play these games with me. I never shared this letter with my husband either. He doesn't know anything unless she called him and told him about it. Only trying to start a fight between us, to cause a division in our marriage. I saw many red flags over the years but because she is my sons grandmother, my husbands mother, I chose to ignore them. But not anymore. My husband has said for years how he can't stand her OR her husband (which he is not biologically related to my husband at all.) They are the kind of people that can dish it out but can't take it. If you say anything back to one of their vial comments, they look at you as if to say, "who do you think you are?" Well, let me say, I have added years to my health, happiness and my well being. My letter I am sure was read to her side of the family and I must be the most horrible person alive. I figure, if you can dish it, you can take it. If you don't like, tough. I feel like a million dollars just getting rid of the toxic waste in my own life. These two horrid people. She is coming to our son's graduation, will I speak to her? By all means, yes. I will be so completely in control, so nice that I am sure it will make her sick. I can smile at her and be so pleasant because I know that she knows I am on to her and that she and my FIL better not ever under any circumstances cross this line ever again.

I totally agree with you Shirley, I have been in a marriage for over 25 years and my mother in law has been since day one,a controlling,interfering,liar, trouble maker,jealous,pot stirrer,bully and I have tried (God knows I have tried) all these years to take the high road,comply,over look,try to get along,respect her regardless and the more I did,the more she got aggressive,hurtful and controlling,I finally learned to just keep away and my grown children feel the same because they took witness and experienced the wrath of the mean,trouble,hurtful behavior she has put us all through,I wish I had learned sooner because it would of spared my husband and I many arguments and resentment. As we are older now and come to learn slowly just how much resent she has caused which dug a wedge between my husband and I which other than "the mother in law" problems, I can honestly say my husband and I have always had a good,solid marriage(put aside the drama the mother in law caused through the years). So I agree with you that some times compromise is not going to work but rather fuel a narcissist mother in law

Cara,
What would you tell your younger self now that you understand the situation on how to handle your in laws. My husband and I (5yrs) argue often about his family. He agrees with what I'm saying but as with me is unsure what to do or how to handle the situation. It emotionally effects both of us deeply, lines have been crossed yrs ago, we've even cut them out of our lives for 2yrs, we are now expecting our first child and they are back to butting in.

I have lived this story for 18 years. I strongly suggest that you and your hubby see a counselor who is experienced in this area. If you don't have steong boundaries, entitiled parents become even stronger entitled grandparents. It will make your relationship stronger when your husband hears from an expert that her behavior is not acceptable, then he isn't in the middle and you are not the "bad guy." Trust me on this.....it will be worth every penny and do it before the baby comes. My MIL pulled some stunts in the hospital when my children were born that were awful. Plus, it will be harder to get to appts with a newborn.

I understand what you are saying. I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I feel like that with my son's girlfriend(baby's mother) she is just a trouble maker. She is so mean...i'm just "opting out" for awhile and see how that goes.
Good luck!

Amen! I married late in life and my mil is an alcoholic with no boundaries what so ever. We are hoping to have a baby before it is too late. I'm 37. I am disturbed by the idea of this woman interacting with my children. She was in such denial that we were going to get married and behaved so wretchedly when my brother died six months earlier that we were forced to elope. I didn't want to have to live through watching her interrogate my family members and the use their vulnerability as a weapon on my wedding day. People need to understand that their are circumstances that warrant severing ties. For those mil's out there who have unjustly had their hearts broken, you have my sympathy. For the others, it's never too late to ask for forgiveness and to forge a new relationship, but that will require trading in your old pride for some new self esteem. I don't mean that harshly. I just thought it sounded witty. Anyway, thanks to the author. This article helped me!

I agree with forgiveness. But there has never, ever been a meeting in the middle. My MIL is the "Matriarch" of the family. However, boundaries were finally set by me, and I have stuck with it. It's a total waste of energy, happiness, your sanity. My MIL must be absolutely miserable to get her kicks out of her tortuous comments aimed at me, and with a sweet smile on her face! It's a down right evil attitude that she has. I'm done, and I couldn't be happier. Now with the Holidays, birthdays etc, we don't go around them at all. We all feel 100% better. I never thought I would be able to confront her but saying what I needed to say was important for my own well being. Now, her and my awful FIL spend the holidays, birthdays by themselves, it's their own doing. Do I feel bad? No, they are they way they are by their choice, not mine. But I have learned that we all have choices too, to be happy and live a happy life without the toxic waste in-laws. Severing ties to these two people was the right thing to do! :)

My boyfriends mom was so nice at first...like too nice. Right when i was about a month away from giving birth, she invited herself to be part of the delivery and threw a fit when he mentioned i was uncomfortable...so we allowed her to be there. Within an hour of me giving birth, she was demanding pictures to be taken . for her FACEBOOK. since then...my son is 6 months old, she has nothing nice to say about me. Literally tells me i do everything wrong with my son. Even accused me of drugging him because he was sleeping a lot. She feels like she is intitled to have him overnight at least once a week and has a fit if she doesn't see him almost every single day. She went to his first doctors appointment, has been to every single month picture session and takes over like hes her son. I cant stick up for myself or i look rude. Every time she has even a few minutes with him, her camera is in his face and a lot of pictures are put on Facebook. I feel like she's just addicted to being the center of attention and getting likes and comments on pictures of my son is like a high for her. I feel like im going crazy. The woman rolls her eyes or leaves the room when i even hold my child. Seems like i have no choice but to put up with it. I dont trust her and i dont like her anymore. She tells me my family isn't enough for my child and i think its because the thought of them loving my son pains her. My boyfriends aunts dont even talk to me anymore and i know its because she makes things up about us for attention. Anyone have advice? Its at the point where she's talking about having his birthday party in 6 months at her house. How do i cut this woman off?

Being a grand parent does not automatically grant one the authority to see their grandkids....respect must be mutually gained and maintained, no matter what family dynamics are involved. I have a mother-in-law that slyfully remarks rude comments about me, when I'm around, and I wonder what she says when I'm not around. I love her so much, after all, she helped make my wonderful and sweet husband, but I am trying my best to let go of the "expectations" I had once wished for her and I, our relationship, as two women who cherish dearly, my wonderful love. My husband's older brother, the second oldest, has also become increasingly mean and rude, taking just about every moment in family outings to talk down to us...both my husband and I, and we are getting close to just super seriously distancing ourselves from him. My husband understands that on top of his brother's issues, his brother is just jealous of how close my husband and I are, while he and his wife have been struggling through their marriage. Thank you Shirley for your side of the story, gives me hope that distancing is a good solution,...particularly one that we can actually control and care for, rather thanks making our lives difficult, dealing with negative people.

I am about to stand up for myself and my family for the first time after 12 years!

Hold my ground on what should be unnegotiable all this time.

My situation is different though. My in-laws didn't even acknowledge my existance for the first 8 or so years. And it’s not even about me. It's my amazing partner who gets hurt all the time. In 12 years I NOT EVEN ONCE seen or heard of them doing ANYTHING positive!

I wouldn't ever believe anyone telling me there are pure bad, evil people out there! But for gods sake it's been 12 years! No matter how hard I believe in good in people this is the time to forefit my believes for the good of my family!

My MIL told my wonderful spouse that the only reason she is alive is that she wanted to have a servant! My FIL made her cry more times than I've ever seen a human cry.

Her brother lures her to help him with every bad decision and evil thing he does. And she suffers. I suffer. My mom, who loves her as she's her own suffers. I don't know what to do!

And it’s really all on me. I just wanted to believe that her family can be good. And now I'm the worst of them all.

Thank you so much my sister, friend and fellow mom. Sometimes people think because we are the ones who were "gotten married to" then we are crap. Our kids are out pride and life. I will do ANYTHING for my babies including kicking the butt of my MIL. You can disrespect me but NEVER my kids. PERIOD

My hats off to you Shirley. I like the way that you've stood your ground and have protected your children.

I know that compromising isn't high on my list of relational tools when dealing with my MIL or my mother. My MIL turns into a child in my company and wants me to take care of her emotionally & physically. My husband and I limit her interactions with our children, as if she spends to much time with our son she demonstrates this creepy dependency and admiration of him. We also stay on the outside of the family circle. However, she recently told my husband that she felt disconnected from us, so I extended in olive branch and included her in a family outing....ouch. She acted oblivious to the cost and effort we put in to include her in the outing. She talked about her stuff the whole time, including all the ways that she had taken care of others through a church ministry yet she didn't even remember mine or my husbands' birthdays. She didn't engage with our children and she wined about how she needed to take us to dinner for our birthdays. (She does this frequently when it comes to holidays & birthdays.) I feel awful - angry and hurt. I'm confronted again with her inability to take us in as separate people. I won't be including her in a family outing again.

You read my mind on this. I come from a culture where boys are favoured over girls, so I can see how a grandparent's perspective can actually harm a grandchild's emotional well-being. I am currently engaged and my FIL has already made demands on having a male grandchild. His exact words were, "Have a son or don't have children at all". He has no grasp on how reproduction and chromosomes actually work. He thought praying at church everyday gave him a son 30 years ago. Really, sometimes compromising is really not the answer..

Shirley, I think you have a mil like mine. Sorry. think the lady writing the article thinks we all have a mil like hers. I think hers is unlike ours. My mil was disrespectful to me like crazy and now wants control over birthdays. She is not going to have it.

You are right, fravoritism amoungst children is plain wrong.. and parents can be so destructive to relationships and can ruin families.. I have noticed a lot of parents don't want their now adult children living fuller independent lives, and as still clinging on to some sort of thirst of control and empowerment, justified with any excuse they can fabricate. Enabling their children to live a a false life where they give them money and just plain bad advice, setting them up to fall flat on their faces only to be the ones who are their to say I knew this would happen and pick them up again.. My partner won't leave her parents place, her parents have not only been totally disrespectful to me but have insighted some sort of sick war, where they have encouraged my partner to leave my son's name off the birth cert, file a trespass notice against me and also got my partner to take a protection order out on me.. I have managed to defend myself in court, this is all because they want to take my partner and the baby overseas to be with them in their new jobs.. I have a reasonably good relationship with my partner but I can tell her parents have almost brainwashed her into thinking I am some sort of pile of human shit.. I work full time, study full time, pay rent for a place so we can be together and share the responsibility of parenting.. life is tough hahaha I can see why some people just walk away from their children and never look back.. last year I appeared over 30 times in court.. talk about madness

Yes! If MIL is acting immature and not compromising also, what gives her the right or entitlement to her grandchildren? Just because she becomes a grandmother doesn't give her the right to them if she acts like an a-hole to them and her DIL. Her behavior causes her own suffering in not being able to see her grandkids. I'm sure DIL would love for her kids to enjoy both grandmothers' love and attention, but a DIL must take care of herself and her immediate family by setting boundaries regarding appropriate behavior by MIL. MIL's behavior sounds damaging to grandson. She needs to GTFU. She's a mother, she should know any mother will protect their kids first before allowing another, especially an adult to mistreat or abuse her children. She should be ashamed of her emotional abuse. She's the selfish one.

The above sounds like someone trying to justify behavior that there is no justification for. I am not talking about petty differences here. I don't think anyone ends relationships over anything petty, ever.

Marriage is the primary commitment after God. Parenting your child is a right. Your relationship with your grandchildren is a privilege not a right. When your parenting or your spousal relationship is being undermined this is crossing a serious boundary. When these two things conflict greatly and one has to end as a result, it should be the in laws.

It is not only the right thing to do but your responsibility to cut evil people from your life. Some things you don't come back from.

Absolutely agree with you. My MIL and sister in law made my life unbearable.
They wanted to dictate to me how my daughter should be brought up. Leave alone the fact that she was never a gd mother.
My husband decided she baby sits my daughter while I completed my postgraduate study, every single day she came to our house was hell. She started quarrels, brought us a lot of heartache. The days were so dark. She always told my husband how our relationship should run. I was pretty much on brink of a divorce. She did all of this very well knowing the toxic effects. Our marriage is still suffering from those effects.

Everything you said was absolutely spot on. You got to always put yourself and (if you have children) them FIRST. They are the parents responsibility not the grandparents: which equals right vs privilege. Sometimes you have no choice but to rid certain individuals from your life, unfortunately sometimes even family.

After 12 years of marriage and 2 grandchildren we have discovered that my DIL has been having a relationship with a known lesbian. This woman broke up a marriage previously before setting her sights on our DIL. Between them they invented stories about my son and continue trying to keep their affair under wraps in an attempt to protect this influential predator. The woman is funding my DIL's costs as she did in the previous marriage breakup.
Having begun the separation in a 'friendly' manner she has turned really ugly, abusing my son at every turn and sending abusive accusatory emails to my husband and I when she is not happy with something.
We loaned them nearly 250,000 to buy their house, we pay for the kids schooling plus all the other extras. She called upon us to help with the kids regularly and now threatens that we will not see them.
Why is the DIL never seen as the problem?

That sounds awful. Just one question: How heavily involved are you in your son's marriage? You seem to know quite a lot about deeply private stuff between 3 parties. I hope it all turns out well for everyone involved, especially the children.

Yes, but you are also going under the assumption that the MIL respects YOU as a parent of her grandchildren. If that's not the case, you are u see no obligation to respect her in return, or to bite your tongue and allow her to be harmful to you and yet still have a relationship with your children. Sometimes it's better for the grandchildren to not have a relationship with a grandparent rather than watching a grandparent ruin the lives/personal relationships of their parents.

Let me guess, Josephine is a grandparent that assumes all rights to other people's children regardless of the quality of relationship she is able to have with the parents of those children...
If a parent is able to recognize unhealthy and disrespectful behaivior in relationships with relative, it is their responsibility to protect their children from that. A MIL or FIL that hasnt learned to treat another adult with respect especially the mother (or father) of their grandchildren .... don't deserve to have the opportunity to expose their poison into those kids.
This article is not about annoying family members, it is about how to deal with the lack of respect of boundaries, individuality and the preservation of quality heathy relationships in our lives...
Blood can only run so deep....