Got Jokes?

I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet. I have transformed myself into this posted message by this unsuspecting user. As you are reading it I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you are smiling.

Please pass me on to someone else because I am really horny.

La FemmeNkechi ...

Be the change in the world you want to see...and... When you know better, do better

There was a rich man and a poor man talking. The poor man asked the rich man,"What did you get your wife for Christmas," and he said a Lexus and a fur coat!" So the poor man said Okay! Then the rich man asked the poor man,"What did you get your wife?"and the poor man said,"Some slippers and a vibrator." The rich man said, "why did you buy her that?" and the poor man said, " I figure if she don't like the slippers she can go phuck herself!"

Ha Ha Ha!

------------------------------The Lord is on my side;I will not fear:what can man do unto me? (Psalms 118:6)

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

Two little brothers come downstairs to get breakfast before going to grade school. The mother asks the older brother, "What would you like for breakfast?" The older brother says, "Give me some mfkg oatmeal". The mother backhands the older boy across the face and sends him flying out of his chair and onto the floor, crashing against the wall. The mother then asks the younger boy what he would like for breakfast. The younger boy looks over at his brother and then back to his mother and says, "I sure don't want any mfkg oatmeal".

A drunk is walking down the street and sees a nun walking towards him. The drunk speeds up his walk and runs into the nun, knocking her to the ground. He then says, "Not so tough today, now, are you Batman!"

Once a long time ago an old farmer and his newly wed wife decided to take a trip into town for their honeymoon. They get to town check, into the saloon and enjoy their honeymoon. The next day they head back home an as they are playing lovey-dovey games the horse steps into a hole and trips. The farmer calmly gets out walks up to the horse and grabs it by the bridal and says "that's one". Then he gets back into the wagon and continues on the way home. Once again the horse steps into a hole and stumbles and the farmer once again walks up to the horse, grabs the horse by the bridal and says "that's two". He gets back in the wagon and continues home and about 100 yards from the house the horse hits another hole and stumbles. This time the farmer gets out of the wagon, pulls out his rifle and shoots the horse between the eyes. The wife not believing what she has seen starts yelling at the farmer, "You idiot, we were only 100 yards from the house, why did you shoot the horse". The farmer walks over to his wife looks her in the eyes and says "that's one" ............. l

A ventriloquist is going through his routine of jokes about mentally challenged blondes when a blonde jumps up and says, "I have had enough about you making fun of us. We are human and we have feelings. Why are you always picking on us and making us the object of ridicule all the time?" The ventriloquist starts to apologize when the blonde says, "You stay out of this, mister. I'm talking to that jerk sitting in your lap."

A patient goes in to see his doctor. The doctor comes in and tells the patient, "Well, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The patient says, "Well, doc, give me the good news first." The doc says, "You have twenty four hours to live." The patient says, "Well what in the world is the bad news?" The doctor responds, "I forgot to tell you yesterday."

A man comes home and yells to his wife, "I've won the lottery. Pack your bags." The wife responds,"Should I pack summer or winter clothes?" The man replies, "I don't care where you go. Just pack your bags."

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.He came to the doorstepof ahouse of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money. I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, theMadam told him to go to the first room on the right.He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents aregoing out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.

A bus carrying 3 preachers and their wives to a convention plunges over a cliff sending all of them to their deaths. Upon arrival at the pearly gates, the first preacher steps forward and announces his arrival. But is stopped by St. Peter. St. Peter tells him, "We have no place for the likes of you. You are a man who loved money more than the Lord. You loved money so much you married a woman named Penny. So to hell you go." And the preacher vanished.

Seeing this the second minister stepped forward with confidence for he had given away all of his money years before and chose to live in poverty. But St. Peter told him, "We have no place for the likes of you. You are a man that loved the fruit of the vine more than you loved the Lord. You loved drink so much that you married a woman named Brandy. To hell you go." And the second preacher vanished.

Upon seeing this the third preacher turned to his wife and said, "Let's go Kat. They ain't got no room."

Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. Heasks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. Afew nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoythemselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after awhile neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs toMartha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do yourealize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactlysix months?"

And then, there is silence in the car.

To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Iwonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feelingconfined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push himinto some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind ofrelationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'dhave time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the waywe are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are wejust going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are weheading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together?Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know thisperson?

And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...Februarywhen we started going out, which was right after I had the car at thedealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am wayoverdue for an oil change here.

And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'mreading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from ourrelationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, Ibet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about hisown feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmissionagain. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shiftingright. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather thistime. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing isshifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves$600.

And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd beangry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't helpthe way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-daywarranty...scumballs.

And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for aknight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting rightnext to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a personI truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. Aperson who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romanticfantasy.

And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them awarranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Fred," Martha says aloud.

"What?" says Fred, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginningto brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feelso..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (Thereis a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries tocome up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that hethinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Fred.

"That way about time," says Martha.

"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply intohis eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might saynext, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Fred," she says. "Thank you," says Fred.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, torturedsoul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place,he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomesdeeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between twoSouth Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voicein the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major wasgoing on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no wayhe would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if hedoesn't think about it.

The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two ofthem, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said andeverything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring everyword, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering everypossible ramification.

They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks,maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but nevergetting bored with it either.

Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friendof his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:"Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

Author unknown ...

The wise woman wishes to be no one's enemy, the wise woman refuses to be anyone's victim. -Maya Angelou

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

They are also refused licences if they have heart, respiratory, immune system and blood pressure conditions which could affect safety.

In some cases, pregnant women or those with severe menstrual problems can also be barred.

CASA is confident the commission will back its call for an exemption to allow the medical standards to continue.

But its application – subject to a commission inquiry – is complicated by union fears about a wider agenda.

CASA plans to subject cabin crew to medical tests similar to those applied to pilots.

The Flight Attendant's Association fears the tests could be used to exclude crew who are overweight, short or suffer from minor complaints such as asthma.

"We don't want a one-size fits all medical approach," association official Guy Mclean said. The union has sought talks with the commission to discuss CASA's bid for an exemption to the discrimination Acts.

And it wants CASA to clarify its plans.

CASA spokesman Peter Gibson warned any delay to the granting of an exemption could leave the way open to discrimination complaints.

"Clearly it's in our interests for the commission to make a determination as soon as it possibly can," he said.

"Without [enforceable medical standards] you would not be able to guarantee the safety of flights because you couldn't guarantee that pilots were safe to carry out their jobs."

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a verydark nightand in the middle of a storm. The night was cold and no carswent by, thestorm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead ofhim.

Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guywithout thinkingabout it got in the car closes the door just to realizethere's nobodybehind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy looks atthe road and seesa curve coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging forhis life.

He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits thecurve, a handappears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy,paralyzed in terrorwatched how the hand appears every time they are before acurve.

The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs tothe nearesttown. Wet and in shock goes to a cantina and asks for twoshots oftequila, and starts telling everybody about the horribleexperience he wentthrough.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy wascrying andwasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantinaand one said tothe other. "Look Pepe, that's the weird nut that jumped inthe car when wewerepushing it."

An 92 year old man meets a 19 year old woman in a bar. After several drinks, the couple hurries out of the bar, runs across the street into the motel. They get a room and can bearly contain themselves. They get in the room, fall on the bed and begin passionately kissing. Off come the clothes and after some effort, the old man enters his young mate.

After several hours of wild sex, the old man looks over and says," Dearly, you were so tight. I'm sorry. If I had known you were a virgin I would have taken my time and made love to you right." The young woman just laughed and said, "Old man, if I had known you could get it up, I would have taken off my panty-hose."

Jim went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, Jim's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, Jim went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial. The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told Jim that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.00.

Jim thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do." The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says Jim. "You see, I know the story of a person buried here in Jerusalem many years ago. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance...

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