Sep 3, 2008

In a stunning triumph for computer generated animation, a special effects team was able to create a completely believable, life-like replica of Fred Thompson that appeared to give a speech at the Republican convention yesterday.

Special effects artist Don Spire said presenting a realistic Thompson for the TV audience was easy, but the greater challenge was creating Thompson for the live audience in the stadium.

"We've had the technology to do it on TV since Max Headroom," Spire said, referring to the creepy 1980's MTV talking head.

"For the live audience, we tried using multiple screens, holographic projecters, and even screens created with a fine mist to create a screen to capture the image. Ultimately, we just found an old guy who looked sort of like Thompson, had him walk out on stage and lip-sync Thompson's lines while our animation was projected onto the screen. Only the people in the first few rows would notice it wasn't Fred, and party officials assured us they spill the beans about the effect."

Special effects technicians visited Thompson in the Virginia suburb of Washington, DC at the Home for Elder Statesmen & Lobbyist. They placed digital markers on his face and use computers to capture the way his face moved, which they later used to create the speech.

Spire said Thompson was not harmed by the process and even his wife was pleased with the effect.

"She called after the speech and said Fred watched it and said, 'That feller looks like me.''' He was unaware that it actually was him, giving the speech of his life.

"He enjoyed it more than having a full diaper on tapioca day at the home," his wife said.

Spires special effects team expects a steady stream of work doing the same process for McCain if he is actually elected.

Aug 17, 2008

In the most shocking political comeback of this election season, John McCain announced today that octogenarian Fred Thompson will be his vice presidential running mate in the 2008 election.

McCain expressed confidence that Thompson's advanced age and decrepitude would make himself look younger and more vigorous by comparison.

"I can still walk and chew my own food," McCain said. "Fred can't even take a shit unless someone else massages his bowels."

"Fred and I agree on so many issues, it just made sense," McCain said, adding, "We both know our job is taking care of business--and I mean that literally. When someone puts a big chunk of change in your pocket, they expect some service and Fred and I will both deliver. I turned on a dime on that off-shore drilling nonsense once big oil told their people to get out the checkbooks. Fred knows the ropes--hell, he was even a lobbyist for a while, so he wrote the checks."

When asked if he was concerned about the Religious Right's reaction to tapping Thompson, McCain said, "Fred is an actor. If he has to speak in tongues, handle snakes, and roll on the floor to get those toothless hillbillies votes, he'll do it, and they'll believe him. Hell, they believed a silver spoon, spoiled frat boy like Bush was one of their own--they'll believe anything."

McCain himself has done considerable work mending fences with the Religious Right after calling them "agents of intolerance" during the 2000 campaign. He has pledged privately to leading fundamentalist ministers to bring about Armageddon by the end of his first term in office.

Jan 23, 2008

After quitting the presidential race yesterday, former Republican candidate for president Fred Thompson landed on his feet by signing on to star in a Golden Girls reunion movie.

"I always admire the work those young gals did, and was hoping to work with them before I shipped out for the glue factory," Thompson said.

Thompson suggested a storyline with a romance with one of the girls, but the producers thought that since they were so much younger than him, it would not be credible.

Instead, Thompson will star as a senile old man who can't remember who he is who is left on the Golden Girls porch.

Despite his central role in the TV movie, Thompson had few lines to learn. "Since my character is supposed to be senile, they figured it would be easier for me to just sort of respond to what the characters are saying and if I get confused, so much the better."

When the girls start to investigate his identity, they find that he is a former actor, lobbyist, and senator whose young trophy wife convinced him to run for president. When she realized he had no chance of winning, she left him on the Golden Girls porch.

"I don't know where these writer get their ideas," Thompson said. "I can't imagine anything like this happening in real life."

Thompson's wife could not be reached for comment as her cell phone number is no longer working and she has moved without leaving a forwarding address.

Why Gopher?

America needs a president who knows how to ACT presidential and yet remember he is a public servant. Fred Thompson knows how to serve--he carried the bags of countless B list celebrities on THE LOVE BOAT. In the twilight of his life, he showed his commitment to law and order on the long-running TV show LAW & ORDER.

He also served the public as a congressman from Iowa and as a talk radio host in a small East Coast town.