we prefer 'billy' or 'frank'

What Are We Naming After Ronald Reagan Today? (Hint: It Is ‘All The Oceans’)

Highly esteemed car robber and arsonist Darrell Issa is taking a moment’s break from his hectic schedule of arresting the president for purposely giving guns to Mexican gangsters so the UN can implement gun control in Colorado, and focusing on what really matters: naming the oceans after a great man whose main claim to fame was being married to Hollywood’s Greatest Fellatrix. Oh, and something about selling missiles to terrorists? We don’t know, we might have heard something about that once, but probably not.

Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif.) is floating legislation that would name most U.S. coastal waters after former President Ronald Reagan.

Issa reintroduced his bill Wednesday to rename the country’s Exclusive Economic Zone (EEZ), which generally extends from three miles to 200 miles offshore, as the Ronald Wilson Reagan Exclusive Economic Zone.

So, it’s not like Darrell Issa, the great patriot who made his fortune by stealing carscommitting arson popularizing the car alarm — wants to actually rename the Pacific Ocean the Ronald Reagan. That would be presumptuous! Nope, just 200 miles of ocean all up and down the West and East coasts, and probably the Gulf of Mexico too. And who named that fucker anyway? Gulf of Mexico? What, is it where you go to nap under your sombrero? How about Gulf of RONALD REAGAN U.S. AMERICA DERP BURP FART!

Rebecca is the owner, editrix and publisher of Wonkette. She was in newspapers for a very long time. Follow her on the Twitter. She is currently on maternity leave (until 2033), so you didn't just read this post.

/ Sorry, that meme is getting olde like me, but we do too much work with the wastewater treatment folks. It's a shitty job, but somebody has to do it.

Hera Sent Me

Absolutely. Abundant clean water and indoor plumbing are the hallmarks of civilization.

We were hit by a bad hurricane a few years back. We lost electricity, which was annoying, but manageable. Then we lost running water (because the system was driven by electric power). We realized we'd have to evacuate if that wasn't fixed within two days. Fortunately, it was.

Weallscream

You'd certainly have to evacuate no matter what, if you know what I mean.

emmelemm

Echo what Hera said. Sewage treatment plants may not be glamourous, but try living without them.

PS That meme never gets old.

Lascauxcaveman

Sewage treatment plants may not be glamourous, but try living without them.

But don't try living next to them.

(JK, you get used to it after awhile.)

ph7

Who knew we had a subset of shit plant Wonketteers.

Egg digesters for $500, Alex!

AncienReggie

Let's not be hasty. Issa and Bachmann are stars, to be sure, but Congressderp Gohmert qualifies as namesake in both categories. In fact, four-fifths of the delegations from Texas and Arizona inter alia point up the wisdom of reserving naming honors for shit pools and loony bins for regional luminaries.

Callyson

Wasn't someone going to name a sewage treatment plant after W? Seems like too much of a promotion for Issa, if so…

Biff

Yep, San Francisco. How it never came to pass is a mystery to me.

CapeClod

Perhaps every ambulance chasing attorney outfit should be required to include "Issa" as one of the partners' names.

fartknocker

I propose that the sewage treatment plant in Austin be renamed the Rick and Anita Perry Shit Processing Plant.

sullivanst

Doesn't the process involve bacterial digestion?

Can't we call it the Rick and Anita Perry Shit Eating Plant on that basis?

owhatever

And name the sky up to the moon, too. President for Life (even when dead) Reagan giveth both water and air. Why does Congressman Issa hate Ronald Reagan?

GeorgiaBurning

We need to build statues of Reagan in every city, and refer to him as "Eternal President". Why should North Korean dictators get all the glory for economic achievements?

The fucking Hill really say Issa is "floating" legislation for this steaming pile of horseshit? (I despise The Hill.)

AncienReggie

I find the Hill useful, but their commenters is a roster of rightwing spew.

sullivanst

The Hill is "useful" for finding out what's on the GOP's talking points memo for the day.

sbj1964

The GOP loves to talk Reagan as long as you don't mention how many times he raised taxes,the debt ceiling,or Iran Contra.

chicken_thief

"Emergency healthcare for all" and that shit with legalizing some brownz gives them a sad, too, also.

sbj1964

And let's not forget declaring a fruit Tomatoes a vegetable,Increasing the national debt more than every president before him Combined!,and cutting education making Americans even dumber than we thought we could.Bravo Mr. Reagan !

GunToting[Redacted]

Don't you mean declaring ketchup a vegetable? More HFCS for the children!

Under stress, their heads start spinning. Crucifix on the bedstand? You don't want to know.

BoatOfVelociraptors

I dunno. A girl named Reagan in a full parental rebellion could be a fun date.

Guppy

Two words: daddy issues.

Lascauxcaveman

Back in the '80s, I had a boss named Regan. Lovely, charming woman.

Also, born in the '40s, back when it was just another Waspy Irish/Anglo thing to name a girl, back in New England.

1stNewtontheMoon

Dimebag Darrell Issa (and every other republican who's attended every Grover Nordquist's Boys' Summer Camp for GOP Buttsecks for 27 straight summers) rolls out of bed hungover/drunk on any given morning and just starts calling random things "Reagan." They want to re-name the telephone Reagan and change wikipedia to show Reagan as the inventor. They're as bad as Moore-mans re-baptizing dead hitlers and stuff.

Generation[redacted]

Dimebag Darrell Issa

PANTERA LIBEL!!11!

Lascauxcaveman

Hitler was a Morman?

I knew there was something about that guy I didn't like.

rickmaci

Issa also is floating a bill to have all American men renamed Ronald Wilson Reagan.

As a compromise I suggest an amendment to instead only require that all men refer to their penis as a Reagan.

1stNewtontheMoon

It would really confuse my asshole if I started calling my cock the same thing.

vtxmcrider

Never. I have far too much respect (and love) for my penis. I just refer to Reagan instead as a dick.

Gleem McShineys

"Honey! Did you remember to Reagan the Reagan?"
"Which Reagan, the one in the Reagan room, or the one in the … other Reagan room?"

tessiee

The Reagan in the Marklar.

bobbert

"Didn't have to. It had already Reaganed itself".

freakishlywrong

Ron Reagan must be red-assed embarrassed all the time by these assholes. I know I am.

sharethegrief

I think those waters should be named after Nancy because she was Double EZ.

"floating legislation" like this should be floated, right down the sewer.

prommie

Sounds like a good time to sell my boat.

UnholyMoses

I don't know what's more pathetic.

The actual Presidency of Reagan, in which income inequality started to rise, jobs started to be shipped offshore, and he sold advanced missile tech to Iran to fund rightwing death squads in Central America known for killing women, children, nuns … pretty much whomever they wanted. And the fact that, by the end of his second term, he was obviously showing signs of Alzheimer's.

Great Buggering Buddha there's just no limit to the stupidity of this man! Did Darrell Issa just wake up one morning and say to himself "Let's see what's the absolutely most pointless piece of shit legislation anybody has ever thought of"?

He must be in cahoots with One L because this will be a great way to test the loyalty of the House to America's greatest Preznit eveh. Only a muslin commie could vote against that bill.

Pragmatist2

Is this in recognition of the fact that he put America's economy "under water"?

SayItWithWookies

I think we should name something after Reagan that reflects his astute policy implementation, his wisdom and how much he was loved throughout the world. Like maybe the Beirut airport.

anniegetyerfun

I'd suggest mental institutions, but I think he closed them all.

SayItWithWookies

They could name the millions of park benches where Reagan's once-institutionalized legacy still resides after him.

CivicHoliday

AIDS clinics?

tessiee

How about all the empty, burnt-out shells of factories where American jobs used to be?

TootsStansbury

Bonus point. A couple of miles off shore you can empty your holding tanks. So you can poop on RWR's name!

anniegetyerfun

Ronald who?

Crank_Tango

Go ahead and name it that, and I will go take a dump in the Reagan Memorial Waters/Whatever.

BaldarTFlagass

Whenever I have to fly to DC for work, I always make sure I stop and take a huge shit at his airport. And I put a piece of toilet paper over the motion sensor on the back of the toilet so it doesn't flush.

JerkCade

We shall call it the "Zone of Confusion"

Cue the Sid & Marty Krofft puppets.

BaldarTFlagass

Well, rename away, motherfucker; I never refer to it as the Exclusive Economic Zone anyway. I'm just headed down to the coast.

plinkleton

the goodly people of teh California were so wise to choose this issa thing as their representative, no?

rickmaci

Issa represents a district comprised of Camp Pendleton and part of the brain fried area on the edge of the desert near San Diego. You have to understand California geo-politics. There is metro LA and there is the greater Bay Area. Everything else is Alabama.

bobbert

I live near Yosemite. Red, yes, but even here I think Issa would have trouble.

ChessieNefercat

I want President Obama to tell Issa, nope, won't sign it unless it is to honor President Jimmy Carter who was actually a real live Annapolis Naval Academy grad and naval officer who served in submarines.

JustPixelz

It's all part of a conspiracy by Ronald Reagan to take away our freedom of religion. His plot started in 1961 when he became a Republican. Then continued while he was raising taxes and legalizing abortion as governor of California. Then he sold missiles to Iran so they could help the Taliban and then gave bin Laden a way to carry out the 9/11 attacks. Then — in a shrewd move to take us "off the scent" — Reagan died. OR DID HE?!?!? That left Dubya Bush free to destroy the economy. So Mitt Romney could get elected and ram his Mormon faith down our throats. (Will he take the oath of office on a Bible? I think not.)

Say what you will about Reagan, but his plan is sheer elegance in its simplicity.

va_real

"Will he take the oath of office on a Bible?"

Someone please tell MB that THIS is the question the RW's need to ask themselves.

HogeyeGrex

Most. Awesome. Whisper. Campaign. Evar.

Sometime in September I'm going to start trolling RW sites saying I just can't vote for someone who won't take the Oath on the Bible, dammit. I suggest everyone do it.

So fine.

kittensdontlie

Your retelling of Reagan's was elegant and precise, knowledge of which only the true MASTERMIND of said plot would know…you have showed us your cards, now come clean Nancy!

tessiee

/Dale Gribble/
That is what they WANT you to believe!

bobbert

This is, in fact, a fabulous parenthetical.

I know quite a few Mormons, who are nice people. I've also read most of their theological literature, which is roughly as unbelievable as the Old Testament, but one thing that stands out is the Mormon precedence of holy scripture.

And that is

1. The Book of Mormon
2. The Doctrines and Covenants (D&C's, I have to laff)
3. The Pearl of Great Price
4. The Old Testament (as "reinterpreted"* by Joe Smith)
5. The New Testament

* "reinterpreted" means inventing some new bits of Isaiah that appear to foretell the LDS.

If Rmoney does win the election, and chooses to be sworn in on, say, a regular OT/NT Bible instead of the BoM, it will say a lot about weaselness. There is absolutely no doubt that the BoM outranks the conventional Bible in Mormon theology.

Thank you, JustPixels. I'm going to beat the shit out of this fact that I already knew, but wasn't paying attention to.

YasserArraFeck

Soon as I get me a gurlfriend, I'm gonna name her fun garden the George W Bush.

plinkleton

Ewww!

sezme

It's almost like the question of why you don't already have a girlfriend answers itself!

Jesus, how many highways/airports/libraries/oceans/frozen yogurt shops/clap clinics/shoe shine stands do they expect me to avoid???

Biel_ze_Bubba

aotk

tessiee

I really think the VD clinics should have "Palin" somewhere in their names, although you'd still have to avoid them.

Estproph

I am officially naming this post The Ronald Reagan Wonkette post. Notice that there is no content other than self-aggrandizement.

ChernobylSoup

When your misguided policies in the Middle Reagan result in the meaningless death of two hundred and forty-one Marines, you can simply invade an island in the Reagan Ocean to change the news cycle.

fartknocker

I would prefer that we memorialize the 4 U.S. Navy SEAL team members that died in Raygun's little war in Grenada because this former president propelled the operation so quickly and with so little planning that accurate weather information wasn't made available to them. They drowned at sea because DOD wasn't given time to adequately prepare. Just like Darrell Issa's legislation – quickly prepared with no thought about its tangible benefits to anyone other than his minions who send him campaign dollars.

HempDogbane

Some of the polluting trees should be named for him too. California Reagans, Black Hills Reagans, Reagan Blossom time in D.C., tapping the beautiful Vermont Reagans for their tasty Reagan syrup.

YasserArraFeck

I think Lady Fellatrix should be consulted about tapping tasty Reagan syrup

va_real

You know, the druids & tree spirits are comin' after you for that one…

tessiee

When I was a teeny tiny Tessie, age 3 or so, my mother explained to me that you got maple syrup out of a tree by tapping it. I tried tapping with my chubby toddler hands on several trees over the next few days, but no syrup.

StealthMuslin

The only things that should be named after Ronald Reagan are the national debt and AIDS.

freddymcmurray

And the homeless epidemic.

bobbert

I do like the Ronald Wilson Reagan National Debt.

BaldarTFlagass

So, when the USS Ronald Reagan (CVN-76) returns from overseas deployment and enters the Ronald Reagan Exclusive Economic Zone as she approaches San Diego, will there be some kind of matter/anti-matter reaction, like crossing the streams in "Ghostbusters"? Maybe this reaction will actually remove the name "Ronald Reagan" from the earth and from our collective consciousness. That's a win, in my book.

BlueStateLibel

There's a scummy green pond down the road from me that will now be officially known as the "Rep. Darrell Issa (R-Calif.) Scum Pond."

va_real

Algae libel!

emmelemm

Algae are people too, my friend!

vtxmcrider

The name would be so much prettier if it contained "Memorial."

bobbert

We can but hope.

Goonemeritus

So we are naming the part of the ocean that most coastal communities dump their sewage into after Reagan?

If he has, can you imagine him waking up one heavenly morning with Saint Paul tapping him on the shoulder and telling him to pack his bags, "you're being sent to the Mormon Outer Darkness"…Fearful….you should be, it could happen to you and your deceased loved ones under a Rmoney presidency…

Maybe Rep. Issa should put together a special congressional medal for making deals with terrorist and name it after Reagan, to honor his great legacy. To keep the Conservatives happy, he can give it to Obama for having worked with ACORN the first time.

The only body of water worthy of the name is the 1.6 liters of water in my porcelain tank. Oh – I forgot – I already call that Goldwater Basin. I've got it – the pond at Kandahar Air Field.

BaldarTFlagass

*sigh* ah the memories. I remember driving by that landmark back in 'ought-seven. It was especially fragrant that August when daytime temps exceeded 110 F.

tessiee

"the 1.6 liters of water in my porcelain tank. … I already call that Goldwater Basin."

I see that you're familiar with the literal translation of "goldwater".

prommie

They should name Bristol Palin's cunt the Ronald Reagan Dickspressway.

bobbert

I don't have a very high opinion of Bristol Palin's cunt, but this seems unneccessarily abusive.

GunToting[Redacted]

The car alarm part is sole reason enough to consign Issa to the deepest, hottest (coldest?), circle of Hell. I competed in a Highland Games yesterday, and there was a car in the lot next to the field, and the car alarm went off at least 10 times.

There was this pesky fence intervening. Our class was on caber when people started breaking down, and one woman blundered nearly into the danger zone before being re-directed. One guy did make a good attempt to kill off the car with a hammer throw, and stove in a good section of the backstop.

Biel_ze_Bubba

Issa had best stay out of NYC — he'd be set upon and dismembered.

AncienReggie

It probably escaped Issa's attention that other nations also have coastlines. If that jackass starts a fad, navigation maps are going to blur to unreadability.

chicken_thief

Especially when Iran names theirs "The Ronald Reagan Sucks Zone".

chascates

This would fail to follow the principles of the Free Market. Instead offer naming rights for a short period of years to raise revenue for our oil wars:Gulf of British Petroleum
Exxon Bay, Alaska
Union Oil Channel, California

BoatOfVelociraptors

The REEZ would be pronounceable, but the RWREEZ? The hell?

BoatOfVelociraptors

Imagine Cheney being even more gangster. "Deficits don't matter here son, you're in the REEZ".

tessiee

Or he could use that to refer to himself in the third person: "The REEZ will have a grilled cheese sandwich". That would be pretty cool.

BigSkullF*ckingDog

NO WAY! The republicans have always been jealous that liberals control most of this country's coast and this is their way to ruin the coasts by surrounding them with something awful. I, for one, won't stand for it! I would rather die than ever go swimming in the Reagan, or watch the sun set over the Reagan, or GOD FORBID eat anything caught in the Reagan. I WON'T HAVE IT!!!!

Ducksworthy

Needs moar oil!

Fox n Fiends

Lets not forget the Ronald Wilson Reagan National Deficit

Guppy

Atlantic? Pacific? You're forgetting about the Arctic Ocean, where the Russians are still talking about "continental shelves."

Diplomacy!

Blueb4sinrise

thinking ahead………as the ocean rises due to notclimatechange, will the EEZ be increased, or redefined from the new coastline?

Weenus299

Really, I mean, what better place to load up a ship full of guns and missiles to sell for hostages or bankers or whatever?

This isn't as frivolous as it seems. We'll all get jobs crossing out the old names and filling in new ones on maps and textbooks.

GeorgiaBurning

How is an "Exclusive Economic Zone" part of a small government, free-enterprise agenda? About the same way car thieves sell car alarms, maybe?

Biel_ze_Bubba

OK, he's been asking for this long enough: what should we name after Issa?

Darrell Issa _________

C_R_Eature

Vomitorium.

sullivanst

Why does he hate Ronald Reagan so much that he wants to name something created by international treaty (which he presumably therefore hates) after him? Is it because Reagan proposed and started negotiating START? It can't be because Reagan operated the most corrupt administration in history, car thieves love that shit.

DahBoner

I've beat Issa to it.

I already named this morning's bowel movement:

The Ronald Wilson Reagan Turd Empowerment Zone

Terry

Issa and his pals have to fetishize Reagan. They don't have much else to work with.

G.W. Bush? Nerve endings are a little too raw over him.

G.H.W. Bush? Most GOP'ers can't remember what he did, other than follow Reagan

I'm still bummed the new UCLA med center is named after this guy, especially after what he did to public education.

dsgruntled

Damn it Issa…….as a postal worker I demand you get back to gutting my Union and the Post Office.

ChessieNefercat

Now I know why Rep. Issa is so repulsive. Isn't that what that obnoxious Jar-Jar Binks always said? Issa? Or was that "meesa"? Never mind. But! Might as well have been Issa. Issa = Jar-Jar on the want-to-kick-in-the-nuts scale.*

*If Issa has nuts of course. Or if Jar Jar does for that matter.

vtxmcrider

Any day now these insane corpse worshipers will change the calendar system so that 2011 AD becomes 100 AR (Anno Reagani).

ttommyunger

Not exactly an ocean, but it is a body of water, and I name one or two after Ronnie every morning before I flip the handle.

bobbert

This will have exactly the same impact as renaming National Airport.

NYNYNYjr

I mean naming all the ocean's after Reagan is nice, but it would be respectful if we called ourselves The Reagans (as a country) and just went Smurf on that shit and just said "I Reaganed the Reagan out of that Reagan, and then went home and Reaganed."

mcrummett

Finally, Congress is getting something done!

MonkeyMotion

To satisfy Issa's odd Reagan fetish, I suggest a simpler approach: take a bronze bust of the Gipper and jam it straight up his ass. (Remember to remove his head first!)