11 Things Guys Think Right Before Sex

But seriously, how much fingering?

By
Cosmo Frank

Feb 14, 2014

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Alot of thoughts bounce around in a guy's head right up until the point of penis-to-vagina contact. Most of it is a jumbled, primal mess, but if you could read thoughts, here's what you'd be able to pick out:

1. Don't do that thing where you start actively thinking about how to kiss and then forget how to kiss naturally because you're focusing on it too much. Too late.

2. What does she look like naked? As long as she isn't covered in matted fur... ok, we're good. I don't even know why I thought that.

3. Where should I put my hands? On her waist? The back of her neck? I'm going to put one hand on her shoulder and one hand on her boob. This feels natural.

4. How many buckles does this belt have? What is even happening? Why do I have to solve a Rubix Cube just to get this belt undone?

5. Ok, her pants are even worse. I don't think this button is functional and I've been pawing at it for ten seconds. I'm just going to pull really hard and hope that's what I was supposed to do.

6. Are vaginas really this far down? Is her vagina supposed to be — *half a second of cold-sweat panic* — oh, there it is, found it.

7. I'm going to try to get her panties down in one fell swoop and nope, they're caught on her knees. Now they're caught on her ankles. Look, this is a team-effort here at this point. Just kick them off and make this easy.

8. So that's enough fingering probably. Ok, wait, according to the clock its been less than one minute. I guess another minute, at least? Is she even into this? Maybe one more finger? Nope.

9. Am I having a Good Dick Day? Sometimes, like your good hair days, our penises just look a little more impressive. If I'm about to get naked, my penis better be in the zone.

10. I hope she doesn't turn the lights off. She turned the lights off.

11. Out of respect, should one of us announce that we're going to have sex, or what? Oh, ok. No, we're just going to do it.