abuse

So, ive had these kinds of thoughts for a while and its driving me insane because I cant bring it up casually or seriously in any discussion so ive decided to post it here

For a good few years now, men (especially older men) make me paranoid. I feel like their going to drag me off somewhere and rape me. I feel like if i entered a serious relationship with a man I would end up being emotionally or physically abused. (fyi, i'm bi and fine with women?) ITs not even just with relationships im paranoid with. really any old guy puts me on edge and im not sure why.

As far as I can tell, i don't have any good reason for these thoughts. And im defiantly not the kind of person who like being completely 110% dominated, its not even a sex thing. So Unless I suppressed something, I don't believe i was abused at all as a kid in fact I had a pretty good childhood. Never been abused in a relationship either.

I really just needed to talk about this weird thing going on. still not even sure i should be posting this but here it goes. does anyone else have thoughts or anything?

Of course you can bring it up here! That's part of the reason we're here.

Since you say you have never been abused before then you seem to either have a fear of the unknown or an unjustified fear of men. Do you want to have a relationship with a man? If you do then start off slow and get to know the guy. Or woman. Build up the trust before you go too far. Make sure your dates are in open places, not private residences.

Hmmm... I think any new relationship, with anyone, needs to be taken one step at a time. I know many people who have been both emotionally AND physically abused... by women! But, what I was getting at, is that entering a new relationship with someone involves vigilance so that it doesn't end up becoming something where one person is taking advantage of another even on far milder levels than physical abuse.

In terms of domination (since you mentioned that)... unless it's your thing and much negotiation has happened, it's not something that should become an issue nor something you should stand for. I will also mention that men are not always the dominant partners in those arrangements... I'm actually sexually submissive myself (most of my friends would never guess, cause they don't see it) and I still don't enjoy being dominated in I think the way you're describing... I GIVE myself over, when I choose to. And that is in many more ways than the bedroom. That's maybe another topic beyond what you're asking though. ^^

I've heard of cases where children were molested at a young age but had no memory of it, but I think it's very rare. Usually, we remember traumatizing events from our life. In college during my sophomore year, I was emotionally abused by a guy who was very manipulative, wanting to have a sexual relationship with me. I had no sexual interest in him, but he was persistent, kind, helpful when it suited him, but gradually pushed boundaries, etc. Eventually I originally got back to my original boyfriend and we reestablished the relationship we had our Freshman year.

So yes, there are males who can be abusive in ways that aren't necessarily physical. Physical abuse is easier to walk away from than emotional, because emotional abuse is more subtle, and it's conniving.

Abuse is usually obvious, and for most of us, we avoid it at all cost. So the question you're asking is, why do you feel it may happen to you if you seek out a relationship with another guy? I think you're apprehensive about the entire dynamic of a male-male relationship, because it is very different from male-female. It's uncharted waters and we tend to fear the unknown. But it can be rewarding and the sex can be very enjoyable.

Just take things slowly and keep your eyes open for someone you would genuinely like to be with, without sex being the dominating factor. That's how I met my friend in college. He was actually chasing me which I later realized, but it turned out well. Even though we went our separate ways after college, he finding a male life partner and me marrying my wife, we're still very close as friends. My wife is close to him as well. You never know what lies ahead, but nothing ventured, nothing gained

Def a good thing to post and not weird at all! I don't get on with other men at all really, and don't know any that I would consider a friend, mates yes, plenty of those, but I find the whole competitive/macho thing just sooooo boring tbh. The only time I consider it to be "traditionally" male is to help and protect others, the most caring and sensitive men I ever met were in "manly" type jobs like army or fire service,,, I'm a hetero male and do tend to go for women with strong character, dominant perhaps but not domineering, hope that makes sense.

Of course you can bring it up here! That's part of the reason we're here.

Since you say you have never been abused before then you seem to either have a fear of the unknown or an unjustified fear of men. Do you want to have a relationship with a man? If you do then start off slow and get to know the guy. Or woman. Build up the trust before you go too far. Make sure your dates are in open places, not private residences.

Thanks Scaramouche
I Think I would be fine once I actually got into a relationship, its mostly just men i dont know very well that im paranoid about. I have a habit as well of trying to "one up" a guy I know is interested in me, especially if i dont reciprocate.I tihnk its my twisted way of flirting with guys im not sure. I dont think im really interested in a relation ship with a man either way.

And I never go on a date somehwere private, i always make sure its in public and I always let someone know who im with and wear and what time i expect to be back.

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Originally Posted by dogboy

Just take things slowly and keep your eyes open for someone you would genuinely like to be with, without sex being the dominating factor.

I almost never date with sexual stuff in mind. Im not the kind of person to enter a relationship and expect sex to occur as well. I consider myself Demisexual (unable to have a strong sexual attraction without actually knowing the person first or falling for their personality) And I really dont want to do any of that stuff until weve been together for a good few years or more. So my paranoia about what might happen is kind of odd I think considering what i just explained.

I think your paranoia makes a lot of sense. It may be all the sexual implications that you are afraid of, and I can understand that. I remember the first time I had sex, which was with a girl when I was in high school. The act bonded us in ways I could have never imagined. The problem was that when we both went off to college, I got the "dear John" phone call, she breaking up with me, and emotionally I had a lot of trouble handling it.

In the U. S., we tend to take having sex so casually, since we see it on TV and movies all the time. But the real act of doing it has a lot more implications, both emotionally and psychologically. It also is or can be, a very intimate act, something that shouldn't be taken lightly. So I understand what you're saying.

I think your paranoia makes a lot of sense. It may be all the sexual implications that you are afraid of, and I can understand that. I remember the first time I had sex, which was with a girl when I was in high school. The act bonded us in ways I could have never imagined. The problem was that when we both went off to college, I got the "dear John" phone call, she breaking up with me, and emotionally I had a lot of trouble handling it.

In the U. S., we tend to take having sex so casually, since we see it on TV and movies all the time. But the real act of doing it has a lot more implications, both emotionally and psychologically. It also is or can be, a very intimate act, something that shouldn't be taken lightly. So I understand what you're saying.

Yeah! People dont seem to understand how emotionallyintense sex can be, and how much potential it has to be damaging. I dont want to just give myself to someone. It has to be someone I want to be with forever. And I dont think you can truly have just casual sex, you are going to catch feelings one way or another. Just glad someone understands what I mean