A dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" asks the owner.
"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.
"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?"
The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth. Can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun awound?"

Terrible ..

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman
they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde
assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this
store on a regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says
the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But, I always buy it here," says
the blonde. "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the
pharmacist. "Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud
from the container ........

scotsman,englishman and Irishman on the last stage of SAS selection.
To pass they are told there wifes are in the room next door, to go in pick up the pistol on the table and slot there wife.

Scotsman walks in 10 secs goes by comes out and says i cant i love her.
Englishman walks in 10 secs goes by comes out and says i cant i love her.
Irishman walks in 5 secs go by, theres a bang then a pause then some loud thumping then quite. The Irishman comes out and says, for feck sake u put blanks in the gun so i had to batter her to death with it.

[Aliens]PaganYoure a bum
Youre a punk
Youre an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag, you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy christmas your arse
I pray God its our last

Mr. Cadbury and Ms. Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum.
He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr. Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.

Ms. Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.
It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbert and gave her a Gob Stopper.

Unfortunately Mr. Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms. Rowntree had been with All Sorts.

[Aliens]kronenbourg wrote:Mr. Cadbury and Ms. Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr. Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.

Ms. Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbert and gave her a Gob Stopper.

Unfortunately Mr. Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms. Rowntree had been with All Sorts.

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

13. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

14. Sleeping on the sofa makes your back hurt.

15. You take naps from noon to 6 pm.

16. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

17. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

18. If you're a gal, you go to the chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

19. A Â£4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

20. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

21. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

22. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

23. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

24. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh s*$# - what happened?

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends because you know they'll enjoy it and do the same.

THIS IS TERRIBLE BUT THOUGHT YOU HAVE A LAUGH ABOUT THIS ONE...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a ...a...prostitute... "

Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now, what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

ENJOY

LERKY

Last edited by ~{tpp}~lerky on Tue Dec 05, 2006 12:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."