The Keys Weekly Guide to Choosing a New Political Party:

Political season has begun folks, whether you want to realize it or not. Hats are dropping in the ring left and right and the whole country is gearing up for one of the biggest election tempests ever. Even Key West needs to pay attention because the next mayoral race is going to be a doozy, just wait and see. And with all the brouhaha going on in D.C., the positive is maybe we will get some new political parties this time (because clearly the old ones do not have their sh#t together)

The Pirate Party- For any one with one eye, likes ships, booze and using swear words or gestures while biking past a presidential motorcade.

The Green Party- Weed is green. You like weed? Here’s your party.

The Left- This is for southpaws and people who can only sleep on the left side of the bed. They say left when they really mean right—which is the other left.

The Right- This is for anyone who loves a good argument, be it truthful or totally belligerent, because it doesn’t matter, you are right no matter what.

The Party Party- Secretly started by Keith Richards, who had become offended by American misuse of the word party. There was no “party” in politics, just a bunch of geezy old guys in suits, so Richards decided to put the “party” back into party and dropped the blowhards for just blow.

The Alt Middle- This is the party for anyone who refuses to make any declarations for or against anything. They will not post Facebook political tirades nor de-friend someone over their candidate affiliation. They continually use the annoying term “lesser of two evils” when asked about politics.

The Crayon Party- For anyone who loves colors and sees all colors as equal and valuable in the world. Except beige – who really needs beige? (Cerulean rules!)

The Whig Party- This was an actual mistake made by Katy Perry and Nicki Minaj, they meant to call it “The Wig Party” but they were auto corrected. The Kardashians donate heavily.

Americans For America Party—this party defines what is “American” and “What is Un-American”. Unfortunately, there have yet to be some firm decisions or clear understanding on what exactly is American or Un-American so they meet at IHOP on Tuesdays and only order the Fruttie Tootie Pancakes.

The Presidents Party-This party is only for past United States presidents and their families – why we keep candidates from the same families (HINT: It’s a conspiracy folks).

The Republic of Zero Sexual Misconduct Labor Party- There are no actual members. Someone put Ecstasy in the punch and it went downhill from there.

The Facebook Faction Party – Their political process consists of “sharing” the 30-second posts that you may or may not read on Facebook. No need to go to the polls. It’s led by a person who lives in your town (supposedly), and looks kind of familiar on the homepage photo, but you can’t really be sure. There is no spelling test to become part of this party.

Hays Blinckmann is an oil painter, author of the novel “In The Salt,” lover of all things German including husband, children and Bundesliga. She spends her free time developing a font for sarcasm, testing foreign wines and failing miserably at home cooking.