MPs deny claiming expenses for children’s home visits

MPs who fiddled with children at a variety of locations have denied fiddling any expenses they ran up. Up to twenty MPs have so far been implicated in the latest expenses scandal, forcing Theresa May to set up a full public inquiry into “Fiddlergate”.

Meanwhile, MPs at the centre of the latest paedo maelstrom have insisted any children’s home visits they may have made went through the proper channels. Suspicions arose after the MP for Torquay West, Daniel Pomfret, claimed taxpayer’s money for items as diverse as ten My Little Ponies, a van load of puppies and sixteen packets of Durex Gossamer.

Pomfret is also among a group of MPs who claimed twenty thousand pounds in rail fares to a kid's home in Devon, which he insists was well outside his constituency boundaries. ‘Due to a healthy libido, I found myself having to finance trips to more than one children’s home, often at night - something which I am entitled to claim for,’ he said.

‘At all times I acted within full parliamentary guidelines,’ the 43 year-old Conservative added. ‘Taxpayers can rest assured that all travel was conducted during off-peak times.’ Pomfret, meanwhile, strongly denied any accusations of wrongdoing,‘Remember this was Devon in the 1970s,' he said. 'Everyone was at it. ‘

Labour irrelevance, Ed Miliband, has since hit out at the exorbitant fares paid by MPs involved in multiple instances of child abuse, insisting that his government would renationalise the network. ‘Passengers carrying a packet of crisps and a cheeky smile would pay less under Labour,’ he boasted.

Last night Pomfret admitted that a fifty thousand pound BUPA treatment invoice for drug-resistant gonorrhoea sustained during a game of Doctors and Nurses was due to a clerical error.