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The Way Back to LOVE: My healing journey continues…

Our relationships with others are often a reflection of aspects of our relationship with ourself and our life.

One of the most common issues clients and readers have asked me about over the years is their love life.
“How can I find my Soul Mate, my True Love?”
“Why do I keep ending up with the ‘wrong’ person?”

There are very effective Law of Attraction tools as well as the common guidance I have given to others myself many times and that is to love yourself first, wholly and completely, everything else flows on from there.

But what does this mean in real everyday life experience? How does our inner world and those parts of ourselves left unseen influence our ability to love ourselves fully or attract the kind of love and life we deserve?

As you may know from my previous post The Art of Falling Apart, I am having regular healing sessions with Master Energy Healer Stacy Vajta. I was recently diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue, Adrenal dysfunction and other things which all basically shout: “It’s transformation time again Kimberley. Time for a rest, time to go deeper and time for a growth spurt”.

My ‘homework’ for this week from Stacy has been to love my body more by welcoming my Body Deva or Body Consciousness into my full awareness. I am to love it and pamper it as I would a beloved guest of honour.

So I have been connecting with it as if it were a being in its own right, I have been imagining what my Body Consciousness ‘being’ might look like and what I might say to it.

What would YOU say to your Body Deva if it appeared before you as a wise and separate being?
What would yours need to hear?
What would it need to say to you?

Love your body more and you will get well. Right?

I read it all the time, in newsletters, Facebook posts, blogs, articles and books: “Love yourself and you will find optimum health, true love and life balance”.

What I am realising is that loving myself now doesn’t look quite how it did when I was consciously seeking to love myself several years ago. Back then it certainly worked for me in terms of getting well and then attracting my Love Mate. Excuse me as I digress for a moment and tell you more about that…..

9 years ago I would say I was at my best health-wise, everything was flowing, I felt balanced, I was fit, healthy, happy and grounded. This was after 2 years in semi-retreat where I focussed pretty much exclusively on spiritual contemplation, self-healing and self-care. I was surrounded by healers and teachers who helped me rebuild my strength day after day. After 27 years of stress and trauma I really needed it. I needed that time to heal and discover who I really am. During this period, one of the things I did was plant seeds of intention about my dream partner, my love match, my spiritual twin. I visualised him, dreamed about him and wrote about him in the back of my journal. Then I let go and got on with my life. I didn’t long for him or pine for him, I simply let go, trusted and got on with healing and learning to love myself.

Then one day I did something seemingly unrelated, I looked up old school friends on ‘Friends Reunited’ and sent some emails to see what everyone was up to. Back came an email from a guy I’d sat with in ‘A Level’ Art (age 17/18 yrs) some 10 years earlier. He was living near my home town, so the next time I was back visiting family in Devon we went to the pub for a drink. He met me from my Nan’s house where I was staying. I had an instant sense that I may have just met ‘the one’ I had been writing about, but I played it cool, not wanting to imprint my visions onto the wrong person or get ahead of myself.

It was clear from pretty early on that this tall, dark and handsome man (yes really) was the man I had written about in the back of my journal. He was even wearing the same clothes I had seen in my vision of him! Whether I created this or found it (or both), Neil is indeed my Love Mate, a soul mate who helps me grow through loving kindness and an unending gentle love and acceptance that has transformed how I see myself and the world. He has helped me begin to see the places where I do not love myself as much as he loves me.

So getting back to my earlier thread…recently this learning has come up again, with my homework from Stacyinviting me to love my Body Deva.

Like any slightly dysfunctional relationship, issues are rarely resolved simply by deciding to be nice to each other. The truth of the feelings that are really there bubbling under the surface need to be addressed, faced, felt and possibly expressed in order to return to truth and to make space for love to flow again.

So as I was inviting my Body Deva into my awareness as an honoured guest and imagining placing her at the head of a lovingly adorned dinner table, I became aware of the fact that it didn’t feel authentic. This exercise was helping to reveal my true feelings and they weren’t pretty.

I was angry. I didn’t actually want to give my Body Deva the time of day let alone an honoured place at my imaginary banquet. I was totally P.O’d and I didn’t know why. These feelings took me by surprise. But I tried to just allow them to be there and watched them with curiosity. This all happened last Sunday morning from under my duvet, the feelings surged forward as I was waking. As I had woken up, my homework had drifted into my consciousness and I imagined my Body Deva as my honoured guest at dinner. I was furious.

Instead of resisting the feelings and trying to stick to the plan of what I thought was loving my Body Deva, I allowed myself to breathe and feel all the anger as it surfaced (a different way of loving myself). I let myself just BE with what was happening in that moment. There was no judgement, clever analysis or spiritual platitudes, I just felt it. Having tried dozens of healing modalities, lifestyle changes and special super-nutrition eating plans, what it came down to was just feeling the energy that was there beneath the surface and had previously been buried too deep to access.

What I realised is that I was feeling old anger toward my body, anger that goes back 12 years to when I was seriosuly ill for the first time in my life. I was 27 years old and disabled by what stress and trauma had done to my body. I did a lot of self-healing back then as part of integrating my Spiritual Emergency of 1998 but I don’t think I had really connected with the anger, disappointment, helplessness and frustration I felt towards my body for what I saw as it letting me down.

At 27 years of age I had felt betrayed by my body. Here I am now with similar but much milder symptoms. They are showing me where these unresolved feelings have been sitting, waiting to be acknowledged and brought back into the field of loving acceptance.

If you feel hurt, betrayed or let down by a family member, you won’t heal it by papering over the cracks and trying to be nice to each other. The pain will be sitting beneath the surface influencing and colouring every interaction with that person and affecting your own well-being. Those true feelings, whatever they are need to be met if you are going to move on and if love is going to have a chance of flowing again.

If having tried everything there is simply no way to sort things with some people, we can let them go (in love) or at least take some serious time out. With our bodies obviously we cannot do that, we are committed!

This is what I felt bubbling up inside me last Sunday morning, the feeling of being trapped in a room with no doors or windows with someone who has betrayed me, hurt me and let me down. I felt like screaming. This is apparently a common feeling for those suffering chronic illness or disability but I had not connected with the intensity of these feelings 12 years ago so there they sat in my energy body creating unhealthy patterns. These patterns have at times caused me to push my body, disconnect from it, ignore it, over-give and work too hard. All the while in recent years my body has got bigger and bigger and the symptoms worse and worse as my body tried to get my attention.

So now I am listening, really listening thanks to Stacy. I am opening to an honest dialogue with my Body Deva, I am open to healing that relationship and am taking my time to do this authentically. It is an important step on my way back to love for my physical self and full health. The bigger picture is that this is ultimately part of my being able to ground more in my physical vessel and be a more effective conduit for Grounding the Light and being that interface of spirit and matter that defines the human/spiritual experience.

It really is just the beginning of a new healing cycle and I’ll keep you posted.
If you can relate to anything I have shared in this post please share your story by posting a comment below. I’d love to hear them.

Love and blessings,

Kimberley ♥

KIMBERLEY JONESEnergy Tools and Soul Skills….for an awakening world
My blog site has now moved to www.kimberleyjones.com Hope to see you there!

17 thoughts on “The Way Back to LOVE: My healing journey continues…”

I realized about 10 days ago that I NEED to love my body. But I don’t. I have sat with it on meditation, talked to a few friends. I always get same answer. Yes, Kim, you do need to love your body. I’ve spent 46 years seeing not liking it. I have an idea where I want to end up, but don’t know how to get there. But I won’t give up. I know it is attainable. Perhaps more perfesdional help. Ugh. Tired. But tired of being tired. I can and will do this.

Thanks Kim, I hear you!
Start where you are. That’s what I always ‘hear’. Have some quiet time just breathing and going within and feeling how things feel inside right now, exactly as they are. That witnessing, just being and noticing exactly how your body feels right now, THAT is an act of loving it. Just like we like to be listened to by people around us, your body is the same. So check in each day and just ask: “How are you feeling today?”
There is no need for an answer, just open a daily space for your body to be witnessed for exactly how it is and however you feel about it. Whatever you feel is OK. Don’t TRY to love it, just listen to it. THAT is an act of love in itself.
Hope this helps? It really helped me as a starting point, to just BE with how I feel about my body now, to just BE with however my body feels right now. Warts and all, so to speak.
K ♥

Thank you so much for your response and suggestion. I can feel that it is going to be a great place for me to start also. It seems so simple, yet I’ve never thought of it not tried it. To busy complicating life! Silly human tricks! I also am going to share this with a couple friends who need it.
Much love and peace to you,
Kim

You’re welcome Kim,
Most of us over-complicate things, it’s because we go up into our heads trying to figure things out or fix them. BEING with what is, that happens when you sink low and deep into your body. Our busy lives tend to keep us up in our heads. Our natural state however is to be settled and grounded in our bodies. Breathing, being and sitting in nature (especially barefoot) are deeply grounding.
Let me know how you and your friends get on OK?
K ♥

It is amazing how there are so many of us going through such harsh times. I thank you so much Kimberly for your words of encouragement.
I too am getting over a very bad surgery, and then xanax addiction. I am a herbalist and found another herbalist we are working hard to get me back on a healthy wave. I have found to that I brought all this on with the anger and hurt I had suffered at my fathers hands. I thought myself not lovable and that I deserved all that I was getting. One day I was reading my cards and the Goddess that came up told me to just let all my anger out. BOY what anger I had, I screamed, I cried, I yelled, I punch pillows. And then the most wonderful thing started to happen. My chest pains and my stomach pains started to get better. I have love coming back into my life and I got back to my home state that I had wished for so hard. I look at myself and wink at that beautiful woman I have become. I laugh at myself more and I let things go that I can not do anything about. I again thank you for all you do.

Hi Debbie,
I hope it reassures you to know that when we allow ourselves to feel whatever is there waiting to be felt, what we are doing is HEALING, not creating more. Feelings are healings in progress. Feelings show that energy is in motion trying to release and transform so if you can breathe into them, just be with them and reassure yourself that “It is safe to feel my feelings” that will help.

The law of attraction has got people confused. It is the unconscious stuff and the stuff we bottle up that attracts things to us, but those things only serve to help us let that stuff out so it’s all part of the Universe and your Higher Self trying to help you let go of/transform that pain/energy.

Feelings are healings in progress and it is safe to feel. If you feel the feelings and just observe them at the same time, rather than identifying with them or acting them out, then you will experience a clearing. It is when people unconsciously bottle up their feelings then act them out in the world or project them onto others that they will attract a reflection back to them to make them aware of what is going on. You are already aware so you just need to find a space to feel comfortable and safe and just breathe gently and lovingly into those feelings.

Dear Kimberley ~ I have tried so many things to heal from childhood wounds and Lyme disease ~ from different therapies, to different types of body work, to different diets. I try not to look at my body ~ I want to hide it, to hide how I feel about being heavy. I’m afraid that if I feel the anger, the betrayal, the deep sadness, I will bring more of that to me. I’m afraid I’ll do it wrong, I’ll feel worse, look worse. Since the beginning of this year, I started asking my body what it wanted to eat ~ was what I wanted okay for me to eat … and I’ve been listening. But I feel trapped inside and know this journey may take awhile as I begin to let myself be vulnerable, angry and sad about how much I dislike my body. Now’s the time to be friends/lovers, but the hesitation is there because of the betrayals I imagine happened. The healing continues and I am hopefully my love will grow.

Dear Kimberley, I just read your post last night and cried because what you shared about family struggles struck home with me and a situation that happened last night that appeared to get very intense with a family member. I’m going through something with her (myself) that has been going on since I was very young. She (I) has (have) been belittling me and berating me (myself) for a long time. I know you will not think I am crazy by the way I am processing this with the parenthesis and bringing it back to self rather than blaming her. LOL But last night, all of the resentment had its voice from me to her and she wanted to boot me out of the house. Practically penniless. I tried during my anger to bring it back to love and self-transformation but as you point out, the anger had to come out before I could bring it back to love. In fact a part of me felt a huge sense of feeling unburdened though I was a bit concerned that I gave her a big old pile of dog poop to step in because I said some things that I’ve been bottling up for years and it came out amplified times a hundred. The point I want to make is that your post helped me find some relief from the guilt and a better understanding of why it finally came out. I have tried everything with this person except telling her how I really feel and that was needed more than you know. Today, she and I had a beautiful talk. It was good to hear each other out for the first time in 47 years and we are beginning to understand each other now. Thanks so much for the light that you share. You have been someone I adore and your sweet spirit calms me during a very long and painful night.

You continue to cause me to pause. Your openness, honesty and willing transparency is humbling. What an immense gift you choose to share…not only in your lightwork, but by the way you allow others into your private life. I truly wish you a smooth ride back to self love…

Thank you Jesseca, I appreciate that.
I am learning that the transparency you mention is so essential to my well-being and if it inspires others and helps them feel less alone or afraid then that’s a wonderful bonus all round.
K ♥

I wonder if many of us are facing our ‘final’ clearings Kimberley (at least, at this layer of the onion, anyway, before the next!)…

I really like the body deva exercise, will add it to what I am doing right now. I knew for a long time that I didn’t get the emotional support I needed as a child at home (no judgement, I didn’t know what to ask for and my parents had no idea that it was even needed bless ’em). So I used to eat sweets to make myself feel better, even going on special trips on my bike to get them and making a ritual out of it. It really hit me the first time I got this was a while back when I saw the Duchess of York on the Oprah show. In her case her mum left the family and the sweets ‘took her place’.

In my case I needed explanations for the depth of feelings I was having, and even in this moment as I write this I’m beginning to see that a lot of it was because of my intuitive nature, I was ‘wearing other people’s feelings on my body’ and wanted the feelings to stop…so I ate. Ah.

I’m finally reading Geneen Roth’s wonderful work ‘women, food and God’ and I know I’ll get to the root of my emotional eating at some point soon. Some of it is inside, some is what happens to me from the outside. I’m a very empathetic intuitive which is a gift in some ways but it’s really hard for me not to ‘take on’ other people’s stuff.

Now for an in-depth chat with my body deva. I know I’m going to find some interesting input from her.

Thank you for sharing that so beautifully Sarah. The issue of food and weight for empaths and sensitives is a complex one for sure. I know I found it so helpful to release any shame or blame and to understand that my body is affected physically by the energies I interact with, inside and out as you rightly say.
The journey continues for us all….
K ♥

oh my gosh, Kimberly, you write my life and movement of my very own soul in your words. Thank you for sharing your journey. I too have been down a very similar path…Am just sitting here looking out the window “unattached” to everything in my field except the anger and judgement of that body. I too for the last couple weeks have allowed myself to finally FEEL this, to BE ok with it being there and journeying with it. I use the http://www.fastereft.com to help others in many ways. Has saved me in many of situations, like peeling the onion has been going on forever. It is the fastest way I know to release the root of the oinion. My root of that has been deep and I have allowed myself the space to finally FEEL this, when I have drawn it up, I shall release it. But, like you say am ALLOWING myself the space to BE ok with it…Your words of…The bigger picture is that this is ultimately part of my being able to ground more in my physical vessel and be a more effective conduit for Grounding the Light and being that interface of spirit and matter that defines the human/spiritual experience. Many healers have shared with me I have issues with grounding…I know this that I am here to be a conduit for love, as I peel away and love that “body diva” so shall that be.

Many blessings, I soooooooooooooooooo vibe…your sharing has helped me a lot today!