Pages

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Ever Just Feel Like a Shitty Person?

Well I sure do!

Lately my beautiful little baby boy seems to hate his mother, and I am struggling with this as a first time mother. Eyan is the typical spoiled toddler and only child at this point. He throws tantrums and is teething (F-U Canine teeth!) and is a picky eater and is always loud. I love him, don't get me wrong, but there have been days where all I wanted to do was go back to a time before I had kids, before I was so busy and when life was simple. I have had a few more of those days lately.

Eyan is hitting me, and I am sure at this point that he hates his mother. He sometimes just walks up to me and slaps me in the face because he wants candy--*thanks mom*. It is like his way of getting attention. I have no idea what to do with this. I have tried ignoring it, fake crying, spanking, time-out and sternly speaking to him. Nothing has helped. I have no clue what to do and I just feel shitty.

Sunday night was by far the worst in a while. I had been up early with the baby Sunday morning, and spent all day playing and hanging out. He was quite tantrumy and his teeth have really been bothering him. My mom wanted to run to a dept store to do some shopping at around 7 Sunday night and we were planning on taking Eyan. When we started to get in the car he lost his mind and would not let us buckle him in the seat, so I grabbed him and put him back in the house and told my husband to get him ready for bed, I would be home in a little bit. My wonderful hubby did just that and when I got home a little later, Eyan was "sound" asleep in his room. I went in to check on him and then jumped in the shower and started to prepare for my week. About 40 mins later Eyan started crying, I went in and soothed him and he went back to sleep. This happened over and over again until I finally gave in around 11:30 pm (I have to be up at 5 for work) and brought him into bed. That was a huge mistake, everytime he rolled or moved or I moved or Jason moved he just started crying and kicking (very very hard). At 2:30 I had it. I was so tired and so tired of the "beatings" my child was giving me. I literally have 20 bruises on my legs from him kicking me so hard. I picked him up, began to cry and tell him that I was sorry and I didn't know what he wanted. He just needed to stop, and mommy needed to sleep. I told him that enough was enough and he was sleeping in his bed. I placed him in his bed, gave him his sippy cup and went to lay down. He screamed bloody murder for a good 2 minutes before I couldn't take that anymore and finally woke my husband up and made him help me. Jason got more milk for Eyan and I picked him up and rocked him to sleep. Finally at 3:15 my house was quiet and I was bawling and unable to go to sleep.

Yesterday, Eyan was apparently wonderful for his grandma and Jen and when I got him he became a tantrum throwing, hitting toddler again who continued to just hit on my every nerve and my lack of sleep from the night before. I am at my wits end with this behavior! HELP people!

The second part to my shitty person is that I wronged a friend totally accidentally and I think I got her in trouble at work. Man do I feel awful, I care a lot about my friendships and I value them and to think that I made her think that I was sneaky and untrustworthy is awful. It was a total accident and although her husband assured me that it was not a big deal, I totally feel like I messed things up between all of us. I hope that they understand that I never ever meant to mess up things with her.

The last part is that I have been feeling the need to allow my hormones to say whatever they want to my husband. Although he totally understands my insane state as of right now I know that some of what I say doesn't come across right and that I really need to be aware of how I approach certain situations.

So there it is...I am a terrible mommy, friend and wife right now. My insanity has a good reason, but boy I cannot wait until I return to normalcy.

3 comments:

Laura you just described what most of us moms have gone thru. And yes I cried thought I was the worst mom in the world, I don't know how many times I called my mom in tears. It doesn't seem like it now but it will pass and everything will be good again. And not to be a downer but another phase will test you again. But it is all a learning process for both Eyan and you. You are an awesome mom!! You see whats happening and your asking for help and advice. Hang in there, Eyan loves you more than anything and he will let you know that :)

LAURA, I HAVE BEEN IN THE SAME BOAT, ALTHOUGH I THOUGHT I WAS A BAD MOM BECAUSE OF OTHER PEOPLE. YOU ARE A GOOD MOM, SO LETS GET THE CLEAR NOW. I HAVE HAD MANY OF THE SAME ISSUES WITH MY SON...MY HUBBY IS THE FUN ONE WHO HAS NEVER DONE MUCH IN THE DISCIPLINE DEPARTMENT. MY SON THINKS THAT MY HUBBY IS THE BEST THING. LUKE ONLY HAS TO ASK HIM TO DO SOMETHING ONE TIME AND IT GETS DONE. NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, AS WHERE I HAVE TO COMPLETELY LOSE MY MIND AND YELL, SCREAM AND SPANK TO GET THE SAME RESULT. I HAVE LEARNED THE AS HARD AS IT MAY BE THE MORE I LOSE MY COOL THE MORE HE DOES NOT LISTEN TO ME. SO I HAVE TO GIVE MY SELF A TIME OUT, TO COOL OFF AND GET A CLEAR HEAD SO I DON'T YELL. I HAVE LEARNED THAT NO MATTER HOW HARD, YOU HAVE TO BE CONSISTENT. HE NEEDS TO FIGURE OUT THAT NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES, THIS BEHAVIOR IS NOT GOING TO TOLERATED ( AND YES IT WILL BE HARDER FOR YOU, THEN HIM) YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO SEE IT THROUGH ALL THE WAY WITH OUT YOUR HUUBY'S HELP. ONCE THERE IS EVEN A LITTLE GOOD YOU HAVE TO REWARD THE GOOD. (BABY STEPS) SO HE KNOWS THAT YOU WILL RECOGNIZE THE GOOD AND NOT THE BAD. YOU WILL HAVE TO USE THE METHOD THAT WORKS THE BEST FOR YOUR SON. TIME OUT, SPANKING . WITH MY KIDS I DO THE 3 METHOD IN TIME OUT 2 TIME THEN INTO THEIR ROOMS. WITH MY SON PUTTING HIM IN HIS ROOM ON HIS BED WITH NOTHING WORKS BEST. ONCE HE CALMS DOWN I GO TALK TO HIM. AND EXPLAIN WHY I PUT HIM THERE AND WHAT I EXPECT. I ALWAYS TELL HIM THAT I AM SORRY FOR YELLING AND LOSING MY TEMPER (IF I DO) I ALSO ALWAYS TELL HIM THAT MOMMY LOVES HIM AND GIVE HIM A HUG AND A KISS. WITH KELSEY I ALSO SEND HER TO HER ROOM ON NUMBER 3 AND I HAVE TO WAIT TILL SHE COMES TO ME, AS WHERE WITH BLAINE I WILL GO TO HIM AND IF HE READY TO TALK HE WILL TELL ME. KELSEY WILL GET MORE PISSED OFF IF I COME TO HER BEFORE SHE IS READY. I HAVE FOUND THAT WATCHING SUPPER NANNY HAS HELPED. IT HAS GIVEN ME SOME IDEAS THAT I DIDN'T THINK OF MY SELF. IT IS ALL TRIAL AND ERROR AND FINDING OUT WHAT WORKS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR SON. I HAVE FOUND THAT THINGS ARE MUCH HARDER WITH MY SON THEN MY DAUGHTER. ALSO TRY TO SEE WHAT YOUR HUBBY DOES AND TRY SOME OF THE THINGS THAT HE DOES. THEY MAY OR MAY NOT WORK...BUT YOU HAVE TO TO IT WITH OUT HIMS STEPPING IN TO HELP. KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND IT WILL GET BETTER. I AM SURE HE WILL GROW OUT OF IT. THEY ALL HAVE AN AGE THAT IS JUST TERRIBLE. BLAINE WAS AGE 2 TO 3 AND KELSEY IS AT HERS SO FAR IS 3, SHE WAS GREAT THROUGH 2. JUST KEEP WORKING ON IT. AND DO NOT FEEL BAD THAT YOU MISS LIFE BEFORE KIDS....WE HAVE ALL FELT THAT WAY. IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PARENT! TRY TO FOCUS ON THE GOOD AND NOT THE BAD! I KNOW ITS HARD BUT THAT WILL HELP. PLEASE CALL ME IF YOU WANT TO TALK. HIT ME UP ON FB AND ILL GET YOU MU # IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT. I HAVE SOME OTHER IDEAS, BUT THIS IS LONG AS IT IS!!

Thank you ladies...I am feeling a little better. Sleep in our house has helped and I am trying to take a very calm approach to the hitting. He only hit me 1x today which I think is a record! Tammy, I didn't even take into account the asking for help point and that really helped change my perspective. Crystal I will definitely call you or FB you if I have any questions! You rock as a mom too :)