POLICE BEAT

MAY 7, 7:14 A.M.: We start the week off with a favorite of O-Town miscreants: booze.

An unidentified perp or perps on the prowl hit the Orange County Parks and Recreation Warehouse and Sports Facility in the 1600 block of North Orange Blossom Trail. There, a lone train boxcar parked on the railroad tracks behind the facility tempted our suspect(s) to do naughty things.

The boxcar's cable locks were pried open with an unknown tool, police reports state, and then the rampage began. This particular boxcar was not hauling llamas and zebus to the San Francisco Zoo. Better. This car — much to the perpetrator's or perpetrators' good fortune — was hauling a butt-load of beer. Approximately 20 cases of Coors Light beer were swiped and several cases were hurled over a fence near the tracks.

Although "the exact value of the beer stolen and the bottles that were broken is undetermined at this time," police reports state, it's obvious that our perp(s) will be tasting the Rockies.

MAY 9, 12:42 A.M.: Early this morning, the 21-year-old manager of a local pharmacy in the 3500 block Edgewater Drive came face-to-face with one very determined dude.

While the manager conducted inventory on lip gloss and toilet paper in the back of the store, a loud commotion up front caught his attention. He ran to investigate, only to find a skinny man with a scruffy black beard, approximately 20 to 30 years of age, getting busy with the cash registers behind the sales counter. The dude hadn't even bothered to pry the registers open; that would take too long. He planned to heist them whole.

As the brave manager arrived on scene, the register-rifling hombre whipped out "a slightly rusted steak knife, approximately 7-8 inches in length with a black handle," reports state. A stolen keepsake from a swanky supper at Del Frisco's earlier that evening, perhaps? Police reports do not speculate.

But the weapon did >scare the shit out of the manager. The perp swiftly swung the rusty knife, the manager backed off, and the perp made off with two greenback-packed cash registers with contents totaling approximately $386.

MAY 11, 3:47 P.M.: A 20-year-old resident of a women's counseling center in the 100 block East Hillcrest Street signed herself out this afternoon, stating "she was going for a walk," police reports state. She never came back.

According to the woman's file, she is bipolar and schizophrenic. She also left her mental meds, Depakote and Invega, at the counseling center.

Now Police Beat isn't in the counseling business, but it seems obvious that if you're going to trust a schizophrenic enough to sign herself out for an afternoon stroll, you should probably stuff the prophylactics in her pockets just in case.

MAY 12, 1:06 A.M.: A man, 36, was at his workplace in the 500 block of Ferguson Drive when he received some unexpected visitors. Two sneaky dudes cruised by in a dark blue Chevrolet Silverado with a silver stripe painted on the bottom and parked in the back. "Hey, stop," the man victim hollered, police reports state. "I'm calling the police."

About what? Stealing aluminum scrap metal, and lots of it. A whopping 200 pounds, give or take, of scrap metal was removed from a heaping pile in the back yard.

On the way out, ironically, the scrap-swindling suspects rammed their truck into an aluminum gatepost and headed east toward John Young Parkway, reports state. "The complainant advised the total loss is approximately $2,500 and to repair the gate would be an additional $500," police reports add. What a bunch of scrap.

MAY 12, 7:23 P.M.: Two employees of an elementary school in the 4600 block of Point Look Out Road hung out in the vacant classrooms this Saturday evening to get a start on "end of the school year work," police reports state. They weren't alone.

In the midst of tallying up social-studies grades, the two ladies decided to take a break and grab a bite to eat. They were walking out of their offices and into the vacant hallways when they noticed a small boy, approximately 15 years old, exit the custodian's office and race toward the nearest exit.

Seconds later, seven or eight more wee lads/lassies emerged, racing after their team leader toward freedom.

Unfortunately, the ladies will not be able to identify anyone, "because all that they saw were their shoes as they were running," police reports state.

The suspects broke into the custodian's office in the center of the complex by prying open the front bay door. They weren't after mops, buckets and gallons of Clorox. "Once inside," police reports state, "suspect(s) opened the file cabinet and removed a face mask."