Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I'm a Potty Girl...

Here’s the thing, I wasn’t going to post today. I had made my decision; no ifs, ands or butts about it, I was taking a day off. Who really gives a flying “F” if I don’t post?

Well, I do. I’ve been out here, making my own little skidmark on my street in the blogohood, for the last three and a half months, 5 days a week, and I haven’t skipped a beat. So in keeping with the program, ahem, my program, this Buds Butts for you.

Warning to anyone offended by potty language or this commode of narrative you may want to make a movement onto another on your reader’s list. It’s just going to go down the drain from here.

The reason that I wasn’t going to post is because my spastic colon was acting up. There, I’ve said it and now you know. I have a spastic colon, another term for IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome). It acted up at work yesterday with everyone in the office…and a co-ed restroom. Need I say more? Well, yes I must because obviously you’re still reading.

Just after lunch my stomach started talking to me, you know, just shooting the breeze. Then it asked me to dance. A Jig at first, then a Rumba-Rumba-Rumble and finally a Skip To the Loo. You catch my drift…no hopefully you don’t.

Everyone abhors an upset stomach, but having one in the workplace, is worse; especially if you are a woman surrounded by men. As a woman you can let your female co-workers know that you are experiencing a problem because they can be understanding. You cannot, however, explain to the males you work with why you have been in the restroom three times in the last half hour. Not only would you not bring it up, you are going to try to hide that fact.

Exhaust fan whirring, water running and clenched butt cheeks I go for the dunk and try to end the game as quickly as possible. Finding no air freshener under the sink, I lather my hands with soap and do a quick victory wave about the room in hopes of dispelling my defeat.

Exiting the restroom and feeling flushed I decide it’s time to forfeit. Doing the walk of shame, I leave early…Game Over.

Oh my gosh! I would hate that happening. I work in a court once a month, and we have a communal bathroom. I always say a prayer in the morning before I go in to court. I hope you are feeling better now! How do you type a word and then cross it out? Everyone does it and I think it is so cool, but I don't know how. Maybe you can enlighten me : ).

My condolences...that's truly a horrific experience. Not much worse in this world than having one's bathroom activities broadcast to coworkers or the public in general.

I suppose, though, it could have been worse. You could, despite your best efforts, let out a loud trumpeting, as it were, inside the stall. Rushing for the 'victory wave,' you find no soap nor air freshener of any sort. Upon hurriedly exiting, both feet become entangled in a long strand of unusually strong toilet paper, throwing you to the floor in front of all to see....and as everyone watches the scene before them, the toilet begins to overflow behind you.

I feel your pain girl. I have IBS too and it sure is a pain in the ass. It was really bad when I was teaching and had to get another teacher to "watch my class" while I went to the bathroom, sometimes several times a day. So embarrassing.

Oh, I am so sorry. I suffer from IBS too and it can be embarrassing. It never really hits at a convenient moment, does it? I have been in a very similar situation to you where I began to whistle to counteract all the noises I was making in the loo. Even though IBS is awful - this story is told with your trademark humour. LOL.