Encyclopedia of

Children and Adolescents' Understanding of Death

Parents often feel uneasy and unprepared in responding to their
children's curiosity about death. Studies indicate that many
parents felt they had not been guided to an understanding of death in
their own childhood and as parents either had to improvise responses or
rely on the same evasive techniques that had been used on them. It is
useful, then, to give attention to the attitudes of adults before looking
at the child's own interpretations of death.

The Innocence of Childhood

Two contrasting developments occurred as a prosperous middle class arose
during the Industrial Revolution, which began in the mid-eighteenth
century. In the past children had been either economic assets or
liabilities depending upon circumstances, but seldom the focus of
sentiment. Now both children and childhood were becoming treasured
features of the ideal family, itself a rather new idea. By Victorian times
(the period of the reign of Britain's Queen Victoria, from 1837 to
1901), the family was viewed as a miniature replica of a virtuous society
under the stern but loving auspices of God. Instead of being regarded
primarily as subadults with limited functional value, children were to be
cherished, even pampered. Frilly curtains, clever toys, and storybooks
written especially for young eyes started to make their appearance. The
idea of childhood innocence became attractive to families who had reached
or were striving for middle-class success and respectability. Fathers and
mothers had to meet obligations and cope with stress and loss in the real
world, while it was considered that children should be spared all of that.
It was believed that children cannot yet understand the temptations and
perils of sex or the concept of mortality and loving parents should see to
it that their children live in a world of innocence as long as possible.

Furthermore, Sigmund Freud suggested that in protecting their children
from awareness of death, then, parents, in a sense, become that child and
vicariously enjoy its imagined safety and comfort.

One of history's many cruel ironies was operating at the same time,
however. Conditions generated by the Industrial Revolution made life
miserable for the many children whose parents were impoverished,
alcoholic, absent, or simply unlucky. The chimney sweep was one of the
most visible examples. A city such as London had many chimneys that needed
regular cleaning. Young boys tried to eke out a living by squeezing
through the chimneys to perform this service. Many died of cancer; few
reached a healthy adulthood. While mothers or fathers were reading
storybooks to beloved children, other children were starving, suffering
abuse, and seeing death at close range in the squalid alleys.

Children so exposed to suffering and death did not have the luxury of
either real or imagined innocence; indeed, their chances for survival
depended on awareness of the risks. Many children throughout the world are
still exposed to death by lack of food, shelter, and health care or by
violence. Whether or not children should be protected from thoughts of
death, it is clear that some have no choice and consequently become keenly
aware of mortality in general and their own vulnerability in particular.

Children's Death-Related Thoughts and Experiences

Encounters with death are not limited to children who are in high-risk
situations, nor to those who are emotionally disturbed. It is now well
established that most children do have experiences that are related to
death either directly or indirectly. Curiosity about death is part of the
normal child's interest in learning more about the world. A
goldfish that floats so oddly at the surface of the water is fascinating,
but also disturbing. The child's inquiring mind wants to know more,
but it also recognizes the implied threat: If a pretty little fish
can die, then maybe this could happen to somebody else. The
child's discovery of death is often accompanied by some level of
anxiety but also by the elation of having opened a door to one of
nature's secrets.

Child observation and research indicate that concepts of death develop
through the interaction between cognitive maturation and personal
experiences. Children do not begin with an adult understanding of death,
but their active minds try to make sense of death-related phenomena within
whatever intellectual capacities they have available to them at a
particular time. Adah Maurer, in a 1966 article titled "Maturation
of Concepts of Death," suggested that such explorations begin very
early indeed. Having experienced frequent alternations between waking and
sleeping, some three-year-olds are ready to experiment with these
contrasting states:

In the game of peek-a-boo, he replays in safe circumstances the
alternate terror and delight, confirming his sense of self by risking
and regaining complete consciousness. A light cloth spread over his face
and body will elicit an immediate and forceful reaction. Short, sharp
intakes of breath, and vigorous thrashing of arms and legs removes the
erstwhile shroud to reveal widely staring eyes that scan the scene with
frantic alertness until they lock glances with the smiling mother,
whereupon he will wriggle and laugh with joy. . . . his aliveness
additionally confirmed by the glad greeting implicit in the eye-to-eye
oneness with another human.
(Maurer 1966, p. 36)

A little later, disappearance-and-reappearance games become great fun.
Dropping toys to the floor and having them returned by an obliging parent
or sibling can be seen as an exploration of the mysteries of absence and
loss. When is something gone for good, and when will it return? The
toddler can take such experiments into her own hands—as in dropping
a toy into the toilet, flushing, and announcing proudly, "All
gone!" Blowing out birthday candles is another of many pleasurable
activities that explore the riddle of being and nonbeing.

The evidence for children's exploration of death-related phenomena
becomes clearer as language skills and more complex behavior patterns

This popular image of the Kennedy family taken during John F.
Kennedy's funeral shows John Jr. paying tribute to his father
with a salute.

AP/WIDE WORLD PHOTOS

develop. Children's play has included death-themed games in many
societies throughout the centuries. One of the most common games is tag
and its numerous variations. The child who is "It" is
licensed to chase and terrorize the others. The touch of
"It" claims a victim. In some versions the victim must
freeze until rescued by one of those still untouched by
"It." The death-related implications are sometimes close to
the surface, as in a Sicilian version in which a child plays dead and then
springs up to catch one of the "mourners." One of the most
elaborate forms was cultivated in the fourteenth century as children had
to cope with the horrors of the Black Death, one of the most lethal
epidemics in all of human history. "Ring-around-the-rosy . . . All
fall down!" was performed as a slow circle dance in which one
participant after another would drop to the earth. Far from being
innocently oblivious to death, these children had discovered a way of both
acknowledging death and making it conform to the rules of their own little
game.

There are many confirmed reports of death awareness among young children.
A professor of
medicine, for example, often took his son for a stroll through a public
garden. One day the sixteen-month-old saw the big foot of another passerby
come down on a fuzzy caterpillar he had been admiring. The boy toddled
over and stared at the crushed caterpillar. "No more!" he
said. It would be difficult to improve on this succinct statement as a
characterization of death. The anxiety part of his discovery of death soon
showed up. He no longer wanted to visit the park and, when coaxed to do
so, pointed to the falling leaves and blossoms and those that were soon to
drop off. Less than two years into the world himself, he had already made
some connections between life and death.

Developing an Understanding of Death

Young children's understanding of death is sometimes immediate and
startlingly on target, as in the fuzzy caterpillar example. This does not
necessarily mean, however, that they have achieved a firm and reliable
concept. The same child may also expect people to come home from the
cemetery when they get hungry or tired of being dead. Children often try
out a variety of interpretations as they apply their limited experience to
the puzzling phenomena associated with death. Separation and fear of
abandonment are usually at the core of their concern. The younger the
child, the greater the dependence on others, and the more difficult it is
for the child to distinguish between temporary and permanent absences. The
young child does not have to possess an adult conception of death in order
to feel vulnerable when a loved one is missing. Children are more attuned
to the loss of particular people or animal companions than to the general
concept of death.

A pioneering study by the Hungarian psychologist Maria Nagy, first
published in 1948, found a relationship between age and the comprehension
of death. Nagy described three stages (the ages are approximate, as
individual differences can be noted):

• Stage 1 (ages three to five): Death is a faded continuation of
life. The dead are less alive—similar to being very sleepy. The
dead might or might not wake up after a while.

• Stage 2 (ages five to nine): Death is final. The dead stay
dead. Some children at this level of mental development pictured death
in the form of a person: usually a clown, shadowy death-man, or skeletal
figure. There is the possibility of escaping from death if one is clever
or lucky.

• Stage 3 (ages nine and thereafter): Death is not only final,
but it is also inevitable, universal, and personal. Everybody dies,
whether mouse or elephant, stranger or parent. No matter how good or
clever or lucky, every boy and girl will eventually die, too.

Later research has confirmed that the child's comprehension of
death develops along the general lines described by Nagy. Personifications
of death have been noted less frequently, however, and the child's
level of maturation has been identified as a better predictor of
understanding than chronological age. Furthermore, the influence of life
experiences has been given more attention. Children who are afflicted with
a life-threatening condition, for example, often show a realistic and
insightful understanding of death that might have been thought to be
beyond their years.

The Adolescent Transformation

Children are close observers of the world. Adolescents can do more than
that. New vistas open as adolescents apply their enhanced cognitive
abilities. In the terminology of influential developmentalist Jean Piaget,
adolescents have "formal operations" at their command. They
can think abstractly as well as concretely, and imagine circumstances
beyond those that meet the eye. This new level of functioning provides
many satisfactions: One can criticize the established order, take things
apart mentally and put them back together in a different way, or indulge
in lavish fantasies. The increased mental range, however, also brings the
prospect of death into clearer view. The prospect of personal death
becomes salient just when the world of future possibilities is opening up.

Adolescents have more than enough other things to deal with (e.g.,
developing sexual role identity, claiming adult privileges, achieving peer
group acceptance), but they also need to come to terms somehow with their
own mortality and the fear generated by this recognition. It is not
unusual for the same adolescent to try several strategies that might be
logically inconsistent with each other but that nevertheless seem worth
the attempt. These strategies include:

Playing at Death: To overcome a feeling of vulnerability and
powerlessness, some adolescents engage in risk-taking behavior to enjoy
the thrilling relief of survival; dive into horror movies and other
expressions of bizarre and violent death; indulge in computerized games
whose object is to destroy targeted beings; and/or try to impersonate or
take Death's side (e.g., black dress and pasty white face make-up
worn by "goths").

Distancing and Transcendence: Some adolescents engross themselves in
plans, causes, logical systems, and fantasies that serve the function of
reducing their sense of vulnerability to real death within real life.
Distancing also includes mentally splitting one's present self
from the future self who will have to die. One thereby becomes
"temporarily immortal" and invulnerable.

Inhibiting Personal Feelings: It is safer to act as though one were
already nearly dead and therefore harmless. Death need not bother with a
creature that seems to have so little life.

These are just a few examples of the many strategies by which adolescents
and young adults may attempt to come to terms with their mortality. Years
later, many of these people will have integrated the prospect of death
more smoothly into their lives. Some will have done so by developing more
effective defensive strategies to keep thoughts of death out of their
everyday lives—until they become parents themselves and have to
deal with the curiosity and anxiety of their own children.