Most people don’t think about the consequences of what they post online. We hear about it once a week or more; someone posted something that got them fired, or arrested. In other instances, people bullied or harassed someone, and their social media was shut down for a period. There are all sorts of examples of people doing “dumb” or even “harmful” things online, but what about the everyday posts? The posts about this great thing, that great vacation, this new promotion, that new car, etc.?

An old high school friend wrote to me on Facebook last night and said that a year or so ago he connected with a large group of us from high school after not hearing from any of us in over thirty years. He said the connections were great initially, but then he realized everyone had accomplished so much, but he had not. He said this realization made him feel so bad, that he got off Facebook altogether. I assured him that half of Facebook is a well-curated lie.

So many people only post the “greatest hits.” or highlights of their lives. You don’t see too many people post pictures of themselves running to the store without makeup, cleaning the toilet, or bombing that big interview or presentation.

My favorite Facebook friends are those people who post about the underbelly, dirty, difficult part of life. Those people who post stories about their medical problems, their children’s difficulties in school, how they had to eat Ramen for supper two nights in a row because they were having a hard time budgeting on their income.

I don’t want to think that people are having a terrible time. I don’t want to think that people are struggling and suffering on a regular basis. But I do want to know that life isn’t one trip to Europe, one trip to Cancun, one trip to Morocco, and then gourmet meal after gourmet meal after gourmet meal all while having the perfectly coiffed hair, nails, and makeup. And don’t forget if you eat the right things and take the right supplements and do just the right amount of exercise you too, can have perfect health (a myth that is so damaging).

We don’t owe anyone anything on social media, not in any real way. We can create and put forward any story about our lives that we want to. But if I have to chose which friends I would like in real life and which people I would reach out to help in a pinch, it is going to be those who occasionally post about life’s difficulties along with life’s pleasures. A little salt with that sugar, please.

Life isn’t easy or without suffering for anyone. The great equalizer in life is that we all die. The very fact that we must face our mortality should give us compassion for each other in ways that don’t seem to present themselves frequently on social media. I’m happy that everyone I know has some picture perfect moments in their lives, but I’m even happier to know that the people I like and associate with are human and have the occasional struggle. Somehow, and maybe it makes me a terrible person, I can relate to those who struggle more than those who constantly say they are sailing.

I just ate a piece of bread with hummus on it from a woman giving out samples in Costco. For some reason, the bread or the hummus tastes differently to me. Fear overcomes me. I begin to think the food may contain poison. I start looking for my husband who I left in the computer aisle. When I find my husband, I ask him to go to the woman and taste the food. He recognizes the fear and urgency in my voice so although he is not hungry and doesn’t like to sample foods, he goes to where she is standing and waits in line for a sample. He tastes it. “It is fine,” he tells me. “It tastes good.” This moment is critical, I will either be comforted by my husband’s words, or I will move into a full-blown panic. This time, it works, and I immediately begin to calm down.

The scenario I just typed is one example and one incident among hundreds that happen in one variation or another in our lives. I fear something. My husband tries to show me or tell me why the fear is irrational. He never tries to help me condescendingly. He does it factually, and straightforwardly.

This example of trust is why I titled this blog post, “Think Twice Before You Lie to Someone with Schizophrenia.” I know that it might seem easier sometimes to lie to someone who is paranoid or psychotic, but in the long run, and in my experience, it will damage how much you can help that person in the future.

I have built twenty years of trust with my husband. He is one of the few, if not the only, people who I believe all of the time. That isn’t to say that his honesty with me comforts me one hundred percent of the time, but it does about seventy-five percent of the time, and that is a lot. If we can prevent seventy-five out of one hundred panic attacks or episodes of extreme paranoia, I think that is pretty good. (The number may be higher, I don’t know. I just know it works more than it doesn’t).

I know that telling a lie to someone to get them to go into treatment if they are actively psychotic may be necessary, (and if it helps someone to get the help they need, I am all for it). But I would weigh those situations before deciding to be untruthful. The consequences of lying can last far into a person’s recovery and treatment. Without someone who I trust, who knows how many times I would have struggled severely with hallucinations, delusions, paranoia and other symptoms. Having someone to trust can be as good as a potent medication at times when symptoms don’t have a strong grip on someone with schizophrenia.

When we lived in a suburb of Los Angeles, we were very active in our local community. We attended fundraising dinners for various non-profits and served on boards and committees. Through these activities we met a couple who moved to Southern California from the South. The wife was what I imagine to be a perfect Southern Belle. She was beautiful, a runner, she had a cute figure, and two healthy and adorable boys, she was charming, and she was Christian.

I am not the kind of person who normally feels envious of others. I have friends who have way more money than me, friends who have less, who are far more attractive than me, who are better writers than me, and friends who are smarter than me. None of that is a big deal or causes me any suffering or pain.

But in the instance of the Southern Belle, what I found that tore at the core of me was her perfect Christianity. Her and her husband attended most churches in our area before deciding which one to attend regularly. They picked the most conservative one. Everything about this woman screamed, “I am blessed. I am cherished. I am loved. I am a daughter of the Kingdom.”

I have always felt soiled around certain Christians. It was worse when I was younger, but it still applies to some degree. Some Christians just make me feel dirty and like I don’t belong. Especially perfect looking Christian women with perfect Christian lives who seem never to have taken the wrong path or a wrong turn or made a terrible or regrettable decision.

This woman, the Southern Belle, was one of those Christians, and I envied her.

One day the two of us took her young boys to McDonalds. There was a man and a woman that were dirty and disheveled standing outside asking for money. She walked right by. I stopped and asked what they wanted and they said they were hungry. I told them to follow me inside.

At the counter I said to the man and woman, “Order whatever you want. I’ll get it.”

At first they were a little hesitant and then they both ordered hamburgers, a drink, and fries. I ordered my food, paid both bills and sat down with my friend while her boys ran to the playground outside the back doors.

“My husband said I should ignore people like that.” She said.

“Those people blessed me. They gave me the opportunity to give today.”

“My husband said those people are scam artists. We would never give them money.” She said.

“I bought them a meal. They are eating it.” I said in my defense.

We ate the rest of our meal in silence. I waved goodbye to the people who asked for food. I also waved goodbye to the idea of this Southern Belle being a perfect Christian woman – appearances can be polished with a rag, the heart and soul are polished through empathy which often comes from roads we wish we hadn’t taken. I’ve taken many roads and many journeys I wish I hadn’t, but from those paths I have found compassion for the lost, for the lonely, for the loveless. If it took all my mistakes to make me see the suffering of others, then so be it.

I’ll never be seen as the perfect Christian woman, and that is more than okay by me – I’d hate to be responsible for someone feeling dirty.