I just let out a lamaze sigh. Work is very busy today. I suppose it will be until 15 April. Yikes. That is a long way away. I do not want to be this busy for that long. It is tiring in this office. The boss is at the tax office (his house) and he calls every ten minutes to give me something new to do. At least he's not here terrorizing me.

I really want to go see The Royal Family at the Ahmanson. Does anyone else want to go?

Tonight, I think I am going to head out to Westwood to see Fellini's I Vitelloni. I just feel like taking a drive and going across town. Anyone who wants to can join me...

Last night I visited my friends Chris & Kim Thomas after doing my brother a favor (he's refinancing his house... good for him!). I also watched the 1967 classic film The Dirty Dozen. It's not really a WWII film, but it's set in '44 and is about a fictional mission from WWII. John Cassavetes is great in it, and Lee Marvin is damn funny. I've decided I like Lee Marvin.

Who's your daddy?

This week has been kind of nice. I have sort of eased the pressure off of myself for not having a life plan just at this moment. Soon I will get up the nerve/courage/ambition to hunt for PhD/MfA programs. Maybe next week. Love's Labour's Lost is supposed to start this weekend. Actually I think it's supposed to be at 11am on Saturday. No late sleeping this weekend. Ah well. Gee, it's only Wednesday, but Thursday I am headed out to CSUP to a rehearsal of Cloud 9 with my notepad in tow. Saturday I'm gonna see a bare production of David and Lisa at Los Altos High School.

We must be prepared to defend every bit of work that we do, and every decision we make. We must continually ask ourselves why we are doing what we are doing and if we do not have an answer, we must be willing to stop doing it.

Anyone who hasn't seen Croupier needs to borrow it from me. It seriously is one of the best films ever made. Clive Owen could not be cooler. This movie just came out on DVD and someone in San Diego just bought it for me! Thanks, guys!

Tried to read The Duchess of Malfi last night. Snore. I put it away after Act I.

Life is good, this morning. Sorry about all of you back to school folk, but them's the breaks.

29 March 2004

Call me emotional, but I just watched the trailer for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban and I don't think it's possible that I could be more excited about this movie! Emma Thompson just looks so fucking CUTE! Sybil Trelawney is one of my favorite characters, and with Emma Thompson playing her, I will just want to hug her all the time! David Thewlis is playing Lupin (and I haven't seen any of this David Thewlis' movies, but he just doesn't look right to me). Oh, and since when is it pronounced "dementer?" I always pronounced it "dementor," like it's spelled. Hmm.

Here's the dish on Goblet of Fire: the director is Mike Newell, who did Enchanted April, the fabulous Four Weddings and a Funeral, the great Johnny Depp movie Donnie Brasco, the great John Cusack movie Pushing Tin, and more recently the awful Julia Roberts flick Mona Lisa Smile.

Peace out. It looks like Mr. Cuarón has done a nice, dark job with the movie.

My boss called to say that he is not coming in today. Hooray! Jill is coming home in exactly 2 weeks. Only for a week, but still... I miss that girl.

I am at Nancy's station since that bitch called in sick and my computer is busy doing a software update that I swear is the longest thing I've ever sat through, and I have to do it for every single one of my payroll clients, which means like 30 minutes times 15. Steve will not be happy, but what can I do? The software has to be updated when the software company tells me it needs to be updated. Tax season be damned.

"We must all have waffles forthwith." It is hot today, and lovely. I wish I were outside. Perhaps I will take a walk this evening down to the promenade, but then I will want to BUY things, and I need to not buy things.

What am I doing with my life? I need to go back and think some more about my statements of purpose. There is more that needs to come out.

I was rereading Pinter's play "Family Voices," Is that what it's called? And I was thinking that what I want to direct is The Designated Mourner, I mean as well as my new love Valparaiso. I think Valparaiso is more of a kick in the ass... maybe that one would be better. I'm thinking about it. Bill might have some ideas of what he wants me to do next year, but if he gives me something crap to do, I may just say no across the board. Hmm.

28 March 2004

Dogville has one HELL of a payoff. That's all I am gonna say. I don't know that I can really recommend it to anyone, but at the same time, I feel everyone should see this movie. Any charges of anti-Americanism thrown at this film are way off base. I don't think the movie is necessarily anti-American. But it is Randian in the very best sense. This (unlike, at least for me, Von Trier's other movies) is a film with a deep sense of justice and morality. No more discussion of the film's content:

Nicole Kidman was okay here, but mainly not as exciting as she could have been. I don't get excited about her the way I could about Cate Blanchett or even Naomi Watts, both of whom would have been more effective in this movie. (Although the Roommate tells me that the part "was written for Tom Cruise's ex-wife.") Patricia Clarkson is a standout for me in the cast of a very capable ensemble including Lauren Bacall (!), Stellan Skarsgård, James Caan, Jeremy Davies, Philip Baker Hall, and (a personal favorite) Cleo King (who played Marcie in Magnolia). Chloë Sevigny was in it, too, and so was Ben Gazarra. Whatever to them. Also, Paul Bettany is officially irritating in this movie... he has been moving in that direction ever since A Beautiful Mind. John Hurt is the narrator. His voice is very cool.

This movie recalls Thornton Wilder, especially, and Ayn Rand. Never thought I'd see those two names together, but they fit.

I haven't left a movie feeling this satisfied and arrogant since... well, I don't know when. It gets a piece of me that I forget about sometimes, but that I'm reminded of when I read Atlas Shrugged. It, perhaps, is the most precious piece of me that exists.

I had a great time with and , with whom I went to see the movie.

Whenever you guys are ready to sign up for Archangel, just let me know. ;)

I think that maybe the whole job search thing on the internet is perhaps a little silly. I mean, how am I going to find a steady job at a theatre in this city? It's just not gonna happen. I NEED a steady job. I can't just farm out my services on some kind of week by week basis for anybody. I can't afford to do it. This is why I am looking for a career in education in the first place. I just can't take the instability. Forming my own company is a whole separate dream for which I need someone ELSE. Someone who can plan and decide things and help me because I am not the type of person who can DO that.If Nancy quits, I guess I'll get more hours, and if I get more hours I'll be happier with my work. If she stays there I really need to think about getting another job... even if it's in the accounting field. If Linda could hire me fulltime next year that would be an option, but she just won't and it's silly of me to entertain this notion.I dunno. Perhaps I should have spent my day researching PhD programs instead of researching employment.I saw The Shop on Main Street today. It was excellent, and it started me thinking about heaven. What a ludicrous idea heaven is. I mean, the more I think about it, the more implausible it sounds. Like Tom Stoppard says in Arcadia when he calls it the great get-together in the sky. I can see why so many people believe in Heaven. It's really a wonderful idea, but that just makes it seem all the more silly.

We have to stop doing theatre just for the sake of doing it. If all we are doing is keeping theatre alive, it will die. Our theatre must be a constantly changing force, full of questions and statements and failures, as well as successes. But there must be a goal—a new question or a new answer—at all times.

So today was sort-of productive. I went to the grocery. I made soup. It is this quite delicious corn chowder with bacon and cumin in it. Yum. The roux went perfectly and I added a little extra cream for richness. I rerecorded the message on my voice mail. It was too pathetic, even in jest. This afternoon I called Jai to get her to hang out. She was going to make an appearance at the D-Naz party with Bobby and the girls. Who the Hell knows why. I tried to talk her out of going, but instead we made plans for Monday. I told her I was calling Derek and telling him to ditch the D-Naz party and go to the movies with me (NO ONE wants to go to this party) So I called D and he said he would call Julie and cancel his attendance at the soirée. So I promptly called Jai back to gloat on my victory. Meanwhile, D has called and told Julie that his allergies are acting up and he's gonna stay at home and Jaime has been on the phone with Julie saying that D and I are going to the movies, so D is caught and Julie calls and tells him she knows he lied and then texts him some bullshit about how she doesn't know why he felt the need to lie to her.COME ON. Julie sets the fucking agenda for EVERYONE. I am so fucking SICK of her. I didn't even talk to her today, but she pissed me off. I mean, why the Hell should everyone go to this party at Darren's. No one even KNOWS Darren anymore. Just because he's Bobby's friend doesn't mean we all have to go the party. Not that I was even INVITED in the first place! Bobby is cool, sort of, but DARREN?! Furthermore, Julie did this same lying to one friend and hanging out with the other like a month ago to Jaime! GRRRR!I swear. Julie infuriates me sometimes. And I keep thinking about my birthday and the attention that got from Julie. I had a fun birthday, but Julie didn't have a damn thing to do with it, because she couldn't even be bothered to SHOW until 11pm! Okay, no more Julie-bashing.D and Ryan and I saw The Ladykillers, which is first rate and very funny. That Marlon Wayans can do no wrong, I feel, and it has a great soundtrack. BTW: Never again will I attend the Ontario Mountain Edwards 14. $9.25 for a movie! Ridiculous.

27 March 2004

I finally watched Bicentennial Man after letting it sit around my house for over 2 weeks. And... I liked it. Really. I was surprised to find it intellectually engaging. It was, of course, being a Chris Columbus movie, treacly and cloying and waaay to fucking sweet to be a good movie, but it was moderately good and rarely boring in a kind of Romantic Comedy way. Robin Williams' sense of humor is well-used and never overdone, and it deals with pretty much the same issues as A.I. does, albeit without 6 endings, and without the hotness that is Jude Law. Embeth Davitz is excellent, and I actually liked Sam Neill for probably the first time in the history of his films. It is overly long (about 2 1/2 hour), and very heavy handed (Columbus is an absolute hack), but it says interesting things.Color me surprised.I have decided to cook today. It will not be a day of complete laziness. Perhaps I shall pay bills, too, but then again perhaps not.

26 March 2004

Saw Jean-Paul Rappenau's new movie, Bon Voyage, this evening. It was very well-made. It is a late 1930s farce that has all of these melodramatic and chase-movie elements. It really is an excellent picture, and very funny to boot. Isabelle Adjani is the main character: this extremely shallow, almost ridiculous, actress. Adjani hasn't really made too many pictures in recent years. The woman is (to be frank) nearly 50 and oh my god she doesn't look a single day over 39. But I didn't really like her in this movie. She's kind of vapid and boring. Virginie Ledoyen is the younger love interest, and she is quite sexy and charming. I also met my future husband. The lead actor is this gorgeous man named Grégori Derangère, who I've never seen in anything before, but hello! I'm looking up his oeuvre! Gérard Depardieu is in this movie too, but... whatever. Also... Peter Coyote: speaking French and German flawlessly. I was kinda impressed, but he's just never been sexy to me, and that means I have no interest.One weird thing about it, the composer is credited: "Music by Gabriel Yared" but to my ears the score is nearly identical to the score for The Talented Mr. Ripley. It sounds like they just borrowed it and made a few modifications.At any rate, I recommend this movie, and if you haven't seen it: Rappenau's movie before this one: Le Hussard sur le Toit (The Horseman on the Roof) with Juliette Binoche and Olivier Martinez (hubba hubba).

Yay. I look good today. In an act of desperation, I tried to go see Tito at his job today, but he wasn't there. (Not really. I actually ran into the mall only to go to See's Candies with my parents, who had a free pound coupon.) I went to visit my folks after work today. They were both home when I got there, and so we went to the bookstore, where I was very good and made no purchases. I was quite proud of myself. I did, of course, write down five books that I really need to get that I promptly added to my Wish List at Amazon (in case you're feeling in the need to shop for me.) Plus I started reading Antonin Artaud's Theatre and Its Double and I need to finish that book. It's awesome. The preface felt, in scope, like Theatre of the Oppressed. Tonight I'm gonna go see Bon Voyage at the Laemmle Playhouse. I want it to be good so badly. I hope it does not disappoint. I also really want to see the new Ladykillers, but foreign flicks take priority over studio pictures, because I know I'll get to see the studio picture later if I want. I wonder if I can get anyone to see Fellini's I Vitelloni in Westwood sometime next week. Hmm.

Roommate just left. Yay. I love living alone... even if it's just for the weekend. The parents took me to Stuart Anderson's. It was fairly good. I did have a nice rare steak that I enjoyed. I also recorded the most hilarious voice mail message that I think I'm gonna have to delete in two days or so... it is too controversial. But it made me laugh, so I kept it.

I'm sorry I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong. That I know that I am, I am, I am the luckiest. My new fucking favorite song.

I promptly moved an F.W. Murnau movie to the top of my Netflix list. Hopefully it will arrive tomorrow. This Murnau was quite a visionary, I am realizing, (ignoring the heinous portrayal of him in that movie Shadow of the Vampire with Malkovich.) Who knew? Sunrise has really stuck with me. My favorite part is the sequence with a drunk piglet. It may be one of the most charming scenes ever filmed.

I wish I were in love. Fuck those people who hold hands in the mall. I start hating on the breeders... but it's not really your fault. It's just that I am alone.

Ain't that some shit. Yay for James Ferguson. What a genius he is.

So guess who will be teaching movement, intermediate acting, and directing Mud next quarter! I actually know but I am not writing it on the web. Linda told me... whatever. She is so nuts that she says "would you teach a class if I hired you?" Well, yeah, Linda, I would, but why bother suggesting this if you aren't gonna follow through. It's a good thing that I stop myself from getting excited immediately. I mean, I know she's not gonna really hire me, so it's silly to think about what I would do if I got hired. No skin off my nose, I guess. Whatever.

There is no water in my building this morning because someone on the first floor is having repairs done. Bastards. But at least there is no noise coming from my window. I will just have to be smelly and funky all day. I should have thought about it and showered last night but I didn't.

Sunrise: a Song of Two Humans was AMAZING. It was so great, and they talked about their goals with the restoration. They didn't really explain what the other films in the series would be, but it was cool anyway. Parking was FREE and the movie was only $5. I couldn't believe it. Awesome. Plus it was at the Academy's Samuel Goldwyn Theatre, which is very nice and on Wilshire. The whole reason they played Sunrise was to be in conjunction with the F.W. Murnau exhibit at LACMA, which is playing some 6 or 7 of his films over the next 2 or 3 weeks. So exciting. I love when I feel a sense of artistic community like that.

After the flick, Sarah and I went to Toi on Vine and had fairly good Thai food. And Green Tea Ice Cream. Yum.I like hanging out with Sarah. No sentiment. No retardation. I don't have to work at our relationship AT ALL. We talked about Julie a little, but got nowhere really... she isn't even up for THAT, and I have to admire it. Talking about Julie is going to deep for Sarah. It was cool.

I'm headed to La Verne this afternoon after work. That should be fun. My dad and I are gonna hang out and then pick up my mom and then go eat. Yay, people bringing me food! I need coffee, and I have no water at my house.I'll have to run to STBKS.Thanks for the call, Ash. I was in Beverly Hills tappin it up with, well, with no one, really, but I was in Beverly Hills.

25 March 2004

Um... some thoughts on Wahima's thoughts: Matthew Shepard was killed because he was gay in a hate-motivated act of violence. He wasn't raped. But what I wanted to say about the whole rape issue is that you seem to have kind of jumped on this idea that for a man to be entered is some kind of violation in general, and I don't really see it that way. Perhaps society sees it that way and that explains why the stigma for male rape is so much bigger. But men get fucked all the time all over the globe and enjoy it. Do you think that raping a woman steals some essence of her femininity from her? Why does raping a man steal his masculinity? Is this just because we view men as "fuckers" and women as "fuckees" in society? You, for instance, always use the terms 'male' and 'female' to define homosexual roles. And I object strongly to this, and have before. One really big point about the homosexual agenda is that we should not be subject to heterosexual roles. We as homosexuals are redefining those roles and should refuse to submit to them just because that's easier for hetero society. This has just as much impact on women as it does on homosexuals. Why does the woman always have to be the "fuckee"? How is femininity bound up somehow in being the 'entered' party? I don't think it is bound up in that. Does the fact that a man can fuck you make you a woman? Does the fact that a man can fuck me make me a woman? I would argue that it doesn't. Why am I "the guy" in the relationship if I have a particular taste for being a top? I think that trying to squeeze all of the wonderful dynamics of what it means to be a homosexual into a heterosexual box is nuts.Pardon the pun.

I woke up way to early again this morning because some cretin next door feels like doing construction beginning at 7am two days in a row.

The elevator is broken in my building. I was home for the whole night last night, which has been kinda rare, but I had chores to do... for instance, I did all of my laundry. I meant to pay my bills, too, but that just didn't happen. Perhaps I will do that this afternoon when I come home. (Probably not.) Isaac called me last night. Isaac isn't actually attending Cal Poly. He was a hired hand last quarter for Earnest. Madison called, too.

They said I should take my car to the mechanic, but instead, I purchased the headlight at Pep Boys (hate that fucking place) on Monday... and yesterday, in about a half hour, I took the housing mechanism for the headlight apart and replaced the passenger-side low beam myself. I feel so... I don't know. Adult, I suppose.

I watched In the Heat of the Night last night, which was surprisingly good. My father has been recommending it to me for years. It was not sentimental at all, and had a really roundabout way of dealing with racism, which I thought was not preachy. Poitier is obviously the star of the movie, but I see why Steiger won the Oscar. Poitier's part has no conflict. He isn't anything but stern and way too good for everyone. Steiger's part has all of this emotion and difficulty and bloat to it. It's a really interesting role.

Headed out to AMPAS this evening with Sarah. Yay. I've never seen Sunrise. I think it will be really cool.

24 March 2004

I read that Emma Thompson is going to be playing Professor Trelawney in the Azkaban movie. (but I think I had heard this before)AND... Today I read that Kate Winslet is gonna be playing Fleur Delacour in the Goblet of Fire movie... how they can even think of filming something as brilliant as Book 4 is just beyond me. That'll just have to be either 2 movies or a 6-hour-long standalone movie.

My shirt says "Morning Wood" and it's fuzzy. The best part is that it looks completely innocuous like a camp shirt. But instead it is sending insidious sexual messages to everyone with whom I come in contact. Hooray.

What movies come out this weekend? I think Bon Voyage. Hopefully some good stuff. I feel a little dirty from Secret Window. I don't usually see such standard studio fare. I need to see something shocking—some attempt at artistry or great filmaking. I was reading about Dogville this morning and I got really excited about it. That Nicole Kidman... she's completely ubiquitous. She needs to make fewer movies. I am going to start getting tired of her soon.

The party for Anz was great, but this is the thing... my friends do this thing with going out to eat for each friend's birthday. It's a little much in terms of $$. I thought we were going to jettison this method of doing things when I (who love dining out more than anyone in the group) requested that we not dine out in order to be kind to their pocketbooks. But I also should recognize that I am not a trend-setter here. It is Julie who sets trends/rules/moods. Not that I'm bitter, really. That's just how things go. But the way we do things now, I spend $40 on a gift and then $30 on the meal. That's a lot of dough. Hmm.

But it was a nice time. Sarah came and I was so glad. She and D and I sat on one end of the table. It was (clockwise from Anz in the center) Anz, D, Sarah, me, Zack, Lisa, Bobby, and Julie. Chris and Anita came later, and then when we went back to the apartment Jaime and Dyson were there. Sarah and D and Anna and I talked a lot. It was very nice and it was a good birthday party. My gift was a hit. Sarah is so funny! She actually brought me the CD of MasterCook and we can carry on a normal conversation the whole night without it ever being weird or having to down dozens of shots of tequila. (Although I did have a $7 margarita.)

Called mom last night, too. Mick was leaving for Ohio as I called. She says, "If you die, I love you." I'm thinking, "And if he lives...?"

Marian Seldes is in the new show at the Ahmanson, and I have to go. I love her. I started a Pinter play last night... forget what it is called, but I was rereading Old Times. SO fucking good. I love Pinter. All of that resentment and hate and struggling for power. All those pauses. All that fucking silence! Good stuff.

23 March 2004

Yeah, I'm still at work because I'm avoiding traffic and I'll have nowhere to read once I'm in Brea. I busted out my Harold Pinter Complete Works. I think I'll try to finish Vol. 3 this week.I tried to start reading the book that goes with the PBS miniseries The Story of English but it was kinda dry so I put it down. I'm fickle like that and it's a big fricking book.Wrapped Anna's gift (Matt found me a good gift at Brookstone). OK, I'm going now. I'm tired of being here. I need to work on a shoooooow. (Whining now complete for the day).

Yay, The Ladykillers opens this weekend and Sarah and I are going to see Sunrise on Thursday at the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences in Beverly Hills! Woo hoo.No Disneyland takers. You all suck. Perhaps I will wait for Jill to come back and then we will go.

I feel old, but it may be my lack of coffee. It's 9:30 and I am practically dead to the world.Two sips later... man I made the blackest coffee in the world. Yeah, Secret Window wasn't as bad as I made it out to be last night. There were a few (3) really cool things about it that I don't wish to spoil, though I can say that one is the opening shot through the mirror.I'm driving to Brea tonight for dinner with the girls. I'm bringing a book and I'm gonna drive down there and then hang out in a coffee shop or something for a while. I can't go home from work at 5 because I-210 between Pasadena and I-605 is like an hour of traffic. I'll be home for 5 minutes and have to leave.Old Old Old. I'm aging. I have to get dressed. And I'm supposed to wrap a gift. I don't care if I'm late to work. Wow. Today is a day of apathy. I suppose I'm ready for it as long as that's what I've decided.

22 March 2004

So Wa and I saw Secret Window. Both of us were tired but I don't think either of us were too tired to be fooled by this little mystery. It was a silly film. I liked Identity better. Johnny Depp was good, but he was Johnny Depp. How can he not be good. Oscar-winner Timothy Hutton was also in this movie. Secret Window goes near the bottom of the now-six-deep list for 2004. The best thing about Secret Window was the trailer for Troy.

Wa and I went to the mall. We bought a shirt for me. We bought sunglasses. We bought a birthday gift for Anz. Her party is tmw. We visited Matt who was too busy for us, but he did find me a good gift for Ms. Anna.

I need to leave my job. I need to figure out a teaching job for the fall so I have some other legit way to make money.

Are Andy and Stephanie still together? Why did she even ask this? Who the Hell cares? I have bills to pay that I don't wish to pay and I need sleep and I'm listening to Barbra Streisand, not that I need cheering up, but she's there.

I watched A Man and a Woman this morning from 1966. What a romantic film! I loved it. The guy is wonderful. I wanted him to love me too. I was in love with him by the end and it was only an hour and 40 minutes. He drops her off at the train station and then drives back to Paris, but decides that instead of letting her go, he will meet her at the station where she is just arriving, having changed her mind once more, deciding to love him. What an angel!

I don't want to be at work. I've been here almost 9 years and I feel like I have no job security. They're talking about hiring other people when I keep asking for more hours. I should be teaching/doing theatre, not working for this yahoo, here, doing accounting. It sucks. I think I'm gonna try and get a teaching job for September instead of this shit.

Stuff from In America

Why d'ya have sores?

If I tell you a secret, will you tell nobody else?

No, I won't!

I'm an alien. Like E.T. From a different planet. My skin is too sensitive for this earth, right? It is too hot for me.

Are you goin' home like E.T.?

I suppose I'm going home.

When are you goin'?

Soon.

Will you say goodbye to me?

I will.

Promise?

Yes, I promise.

Mom's having a baby. Whad'ya think we should call him? We're gonna call it after you.

21 March 2004

After TEN--count them, TEN--hours, the other players conceded the win to me. That is too many fucking hours to spend playing a GAME for Chrissakes. I mean, it is fun and all, but that's a whole damn day! Although, I did finish a play: Valparaiso by Don DeLillo, which I am POSITIVE I want to direct soon.

So, LJ friends... Disneyland on Friday? I don't get off work until 2, but we could meet somewhere in the park if y'all wanted to go earlier, or we could meet somewhere in Pomona and go together, or something! Before you go back to school. The Mouse beckons. Lemme know.

I have deep conversation in my head, but I am going to go to bed early and get up and watch a movie. I'm knackered.

I'm sleepy, and there's a game tomorrow. I should be in bed, but I feel like updating.D and I saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which was very romantic and sweet and it was also deep and said a lot of things about memory and relationships that I think need to be said. It kind of gave my view of what I think "The One" is. It was very good. On my updated list for 2004, I am putting it at #2, right below The Return. Still, that's only 5 movies for 2004 and it's already March. Perhaps I will see the Secret Window. Maybe Wa and I will go on Thu.Linda asked about Andy. She always does, and I always tell her I don't talk to him really anymore. She's so... whatever she is. She talks to me about job opportunities too, but I think she's just blowing smoke up my ass... which is fine, I guess. Matt said I'm "one of his favorite actors." That is fucking out of control. He was actually serious. He bases this on Tartuffe, Othello, andHamlet. But he was serious. I was embarrassed but thanked him. I forgot that Andy and I were friends again for a week. Linda reminded me. I guess I feel better when he doesn't call me, though. It's a lot easier to be human that way. I'm so retarded... because I actually like it when he calls. Like it proves something to me. Like I didn't imagine him. Like he did love me and still does a little bit and I wasn't just making shit up in my head again like I'm so used to doing.Zack and Lisa broke up. Surprise. I went to the movies with D in some kind of act of solidarity with him. He didn't wanna go to Dyson's, so I feel fine supporting him instead of going with the girls to Dyson's. Jai will live anyway. It's not like she and he actually do a whole divorced parent thing anyway. They don't fight over me and that's such a relief. I mean, going to the movies with D shouldn't be the cause of drama, so I'm so glad it's not.I'm tired.I'm waiting for the One. Really. I am. I am saving up for him. Saving all of my memories for him. I don't want to waste any of them on anyone else. The memories I have of ones before him (whoever he is) are not important now and I suspect they will get less and less important. Because he will be the only one. The one that is important. That is who the one is. The important one. The real one. The one I've decided is going to be the one.That paragraph makes it look like I'm high, but perhaps I'm just doing a Suzan-Lori Parks thing.Nope. Not high either. Just tired.Good night world.

20 March 2004

There is no reason on earth for me to like a movie as ridiculous as this as much as I do. It's like they took the entire experience of Disneyland and put it on film. This movie is not very good and yet I LOVED it. What a fun time! I swear Barbra Streisand is never out of the exact center of the frame when you watch it, and she always has some ridiculous hat on and she sings and it's just great. It's like a lesson in how to be fabulous.

Such good times. I really ought to watch something with some substance now. I'll think about it.

...this one not nearly as good as yesterday's. So I went to see Linda Bisesti's Romeo & Juliet. Doing shit with Linda is totally fun because let me tell you the bitch is insane. I adore her. Really. And Matt is so nice to me, so that makes for a nice evening. I drove down to their place and got there around a quarter to 4. Fuck the 405, seriously. Then Matt drove the rest of the way to CSULB and thank Jesus for that. It was a nice drive. We talked about the actors I worked with in Sin Project and then we talked about Earnest and then we talked about my grad school options. We talked very little about Love's Labour's, but I did give her my cuts (and a copy of Sin on DVD).

R&J was a mixed bag. Act I is very sturdy and is also very good at times. The fights are wonderful. There's real blood. The set is great and Act I has Mercutio and Tybalt and Benvolio. Act II suffers, mainly because these three aren't in it, and Romeo and Juliet are insipid and boring. Really boring. Good stuff first.

Chris Batstone as Mercutio. Beautiful work. There is a danger when playing Mercutio that one does not replicate the wonderful work Harold Perrinau did in the Baz Luhrmann film, and Chris Batstone manages his own riveting interpretation... a feat made more remarkable by the fact that he's getting nothing from the guy who plays Romeo [his name isn't important... trust me.]

My favorite actor in the show was Johnny Jenkins (unfortunate name, but...). His Benvolio was really remarkable. He feels his way through the part without ever feeling sentimental, and he speaks Shakespeare as fast as I've heard anyone speak it. He really is quite wonderful. [Linda says he's never done Shakespeare before... if she's right, this cat is a quick fucking learner.]

Chick who plays Juliet: awful. Romeo: just weird. I mean, he isn't even SAD when she dies. He just kind of drinks the poison. He was so unemotional that it was creepy. Matt and I both thought so. Lighting design: a mess. I have no idea what she was doing (neither did she). Paris: awful. Capulet: awful. Balthasar: awful. Montague: awful. The Prince: the worst thing about the show. I want the Prince to be played by a man in the next production I see of this show... no offense to Elizabeth.

Linda ought to learn how to cut a Shakespeare play. She just doesn't know how to do it. And a first act that lasts an hour and a half is UNFORGIVABLE. Absolutely unforgivable. There is just no reason for that. Also, Act I ends in a wrong place. She has it ending after Romeo says goodbye to the friar and heads off to have sex with his wife. It ought to end after Tybalt's death... at least in this production. The way Linda has staged Tybalt's death is really cool. There's this fabulous image of these guys carrying him off. And then instead of a fade to black, we get "Gallop apace..." but Juliet SUCKS. I always think that's one of the most neglected things in directing and playwrighting.... how does act one end? It needs to end with a bang so that the audience comes back after intermission.

Linda has much to be proud of with this show, I think.

I got my tickets for F.W. Murnau's Sunrise, which they'll be screening at the Academy of Motion Pictures on Thursday! Yay! I think Sarah and I are gonna go.

I saw Brian. We hugged. He didn't remember my name. But we talked for a while and he told me all that was going on with him. He's playing Pale in Burn This, which is just great for him. I'm not gonna go see it though. I mean, he didn't remember my name. Depressing. It reminded me of Imaginary Love. I imagine shit all the time. Who is Brian to me or I to Brian that I should weep for him? He is cute. No, damn good looking.

I got hit on by some thirtysomething guy at CSULB. No thanks. Not my type. (I am not desperate, you may have noticed, just alone.)

18 March 2004

The roommate and I had a long-ish conversation tonight because I came home practically singing. Manohmanohmanohman! Fucking good theatre.

Topdog/Underdog was serious next-level shit. No joke. Amazing fucking writing, acting, fucking directing. Serious. Blew me the fuck away! What a creation! Without joking, the play was so good that I feel that Suzan Lori-Parks actually taught me about my relationship with my brother. For me her plays have always been only about language... impossible to stage, even in my head. They are bodiless creations. Voices without physiques. Topdog is semi-realistic, of course, like the rest of her new plays, but I read the play and it didn't read like this.

Whoa. Fucking WHOA. I didn't expect to understand. But the relationship is the same. The brother/brother relationship is still the same. I wonder if Allan has a brother.

Topdog. Fucking topdog. That is me. If you have not seen this show... go.

Yeah, Caloca didn't really dig it like I did. But he doesn't have a brother.

I'll think of more to say later in the way of a real review, but I don't think a real review is necessary. Just go: there's my review.

I love Robert Seigel of All Things Considered. He is just so cute. He reminds me of Dr. Bob Gilbert, a former father figure of mine. I listen to this man every day from 3:30 to 5:00, and I feel such affection for him.

Mercedes McCambridge died yesterday. If you don't know who she is shame on you. She was a fabulous actress who the studios didn't know what to do with, but who became so admired by other actors that she won an Oscar in 1950 for that year's Best Picture winner All the King's Men, which is a wonderful movie about American politics and reformers who never reform. She was nominated again for her role as Rock Hudson's sister in the old Elia Kazan western Giant. Cheers to her.

Also, Chess: the Musical is so damn good. I have the UK concert album with Elaine Page and Murray Head. Murray Head is crap (as usual), but Page is fab, and the musical direction is waaay better than the US version.

I heard lots of stories of Cloud 9 rehearsal last night, and it sounds like things are going excellently. It is so weird how people don't get the brilliance of Samantha. I swear I am her number one fan. The girl is a terrific actress and I am so excited for her performance in the play.

Two things are banned from discussion at my house: 1) any mention of poo in any form, and 2) any reference to Kristy Winter McCaw. Not that I hate talking about her, but I don't think about her very frequently and I don't like it when I do. I realize that for the circle of people who I still hang out with at CSUP she is an immediate and constant threat and she continues to wreak havoc and discord among people who just want to do good work. But when she gets brought up, I immediately get uncomfortable. Jeremy brought her up last night and it threw me off completely. I suppose it is like Christian people discussing Satan and sort of walling themselves in and preparing themselves for an onslaught, but I found that problematic when I was of the Christian faith as well. To dwell on the devil instead of dwelling on Christ's love or the Rapture or god's blessings never made sense. In the same way dwelling on Kristy instead of dwelling on the joys that exist in my life seems misguided. Anyway, I would prefer not to mention her at all... it seems she can ruin a conversation without even being present, and the only reason this is possible is because we allow it.

I finished cutting Love's Labour's Lost, and I was ruthless with it. I think I am going to be quite pleased with the results. We shall see. There will, naturally, be more cuts after rehearsal 1, but for now, I think I am finished.

After having dinner with my old friends Justin & Elizabeth the other day, I got inspired to do theatre again. These guys just want to work, and they are always discussing different plays and different roles they want to do. I think tonight I will write my mission statement. I thought of the name I want to use: Archangel Theatre. I hope Caloca likes it.

A most extraordinary thing happened to me this morning...Yesterday I received a mailer from Project Angel Food, and I decided that I was going to send them money. So, as I am paying my bills yesterday, I decide to send them a check. As I'm writing it, though, I begin to think what else I could do with that money... like pay off some more of my mortgage on my house... we're not talking frivolity here, although shoes are becoming more like a necessity than a luxury. Damn this coffee is strong.I wrote Project Angel Food the check anyway. I'd link to the website, but I can't get my rich text mode to work.After I paid my bills I headed to my parents to drop off the income tax software and then we chatted for a long while. I had received some mail, which they gave to me in a great pile... there was a lot.My parents and I are such good friends now. We joke. We laugh. We have a great time as long as my brother and sister aren't both there as well. All 5 of us... no fun. No matter how you change the dynamic, if all 5 are there, it's not a good time.I went to Kim's house and partook of her very nice hospitality after that. Jer & Jen were there and Justin & Elizabeth (why do people feel the need to call her Liz when she never calls herself that?) and Caloca & Kim, of course, and me and Wahima and much much later Ashley with Matt in tow (or the other way around)... I had a very nice time and Caloca got me and Justin a good bottle of Shiraz which mostly I drank... Justin was sick. But the point is... I didn't open my mail til this morning.What do you know, but Source Capital Inc, in which I own a small number of shares of stock issued me a dividend check of exactly the amount that I had written to the charity the night before!I don't want to make too big a deal about it, but I am not exactly raking in the dough as of now, so the money is needed. Extra money like money for charities really doesn't exist.

This next paragraph is stylized for James Ray:Like, I wish I didn't, like, have to, like, go to work, like in the next 10 minutes. Okay I got tired of that.

Caloca gave me good advice with LLL last night and I will take that advice at lunch when I finish cutting the bastard. It's quite a play, really. But it's gonna be a bear to work on.I was thinking about Michael McLean and what he said to me about departments using people... I mean, I guess I am being used to a certain extent, but what is there to do about it? I could say no and then have nothing of real interest to work on. I could go get another theatre job, I guess... Honestly, though, the money is better at CSUP. I know that's hard to believe, but it's true.

17 March 2004

I went to the grocery today, and behind me in the queue this woman made a negative comment about Martha Stewart. I considered violence for a moment, but I decided instead to divide our groceries with that little divder checkout thing... with authority. I hope she got the message.

I am starting to feel productive again. I get into such funks! Maybe Kim's Depression survey was right and I am Bi-Polar II (Is that what we were, Wa?) Anyway, I cut the second third of LLL last night. By that, I mean Act IV. Gawd, the last 2 acts are more than half of the play. I didn't cut Acts I-III too much, because there are too many plot points and too much funny business, but I ct the shit out of Act IV. (There is a lot of shit, too.) This play must be the most dated of any of Shakespeare's plays. It is just joke after joke. I mean, imagine standup in the late Sixteenth Century and imagine how many times you would laugh.

That's my point exactly. But I did do a lot of work.

AND I watched The Lost Weekend by Billy Wilder. Preachy, preachy. Yuck. It wasn't even that interesting a portrait of a drunk. Just... kids, don't drink. That's no basis for a film. I don't know how the book reads, but the movie is over the top. American's were into that stuff in the 40s, though... Gentleman's Agreement won Best Picture in 48 and Going My Way in 45. Preach, preach, preach. The Academy is so weird... an amazing picture like Casablanca can win, and then a picture like Going My Way and then something incredible like The Best Years of Our Lives and then another sermon from the screen like Gentleman's Agreement. So strange. Taste comes and goes based on the times, I guess.

I realized yesterday that I spend a lot of time and energy resisting doing what I ought to just do in the first place. Like yoga. Seriously, I make myself tired and irritable and maybe even sick simply resisting exercise. How good for me is that! This morning I got up and just did it. What am I waiting for?

Happy Saint Paddy's day! I'm not really Irish, because I'm not Catholic, but I have the blood, so there.

16 March 2004

I think I want to change this "current mood" thing to say "Fictional character you identify with most at this moment in time."

They keep talking about gay marriage on the radio. Call me queer, but I am tired of hearing about it. There is no debate left in my head, really. I mean, either you are a rational human being and you see that gays, like any other people, have the right to marry, divorce, and debauch marriage as they please... Or you are a completely irrational totally psycho barely-human being who just doesn't get it. Debate? What's left to debate. I think that about sums it up.

I have a bit of a headache, but I just got the best news! A condo in my complex just sold for $22,000 more than I paid for mine on 9/25/03. Woo hoo! Hooray!Good luck to all of you Cloud 9-ers. Have a brilliant rehearsal.

15 March 2004

I think it started with me leaving my phone at home, and continued with Steve actually being at work when I got there instead of at home doing tax returns (perhaps the fact that all of the 1120s were due today was the reason... Hmm). I did my taxes on Sat. I owe $312. Fuck me.

Today blew chunks not in a depressing way but in a "didn't get anything accomplished" way. I brought LLL to work to cut it at lunch, which I didn't do because Nance and I went out, but then I left it there and couldn't cut it at home... not that I would have anyway, because my E-bay copy of 11th Hour came and I played that for like 5 hours... sick. It's not even that fun. The puzzles are okay, but even they are a little bit bizarre and have more to do with luck than skill. It's not the puzzles that are the main feature of the game, though, it's these absolutely inane riddles that are all based on anagrams and puns and make no fucking sense. So much so that I was bored most of the time I played the game (there's something wrong with that... why not just quit?)

I did read the new issue of Out in its entirety, at least. It is so devoid of actual content that reading it all in one sitting really isn't hard... at least it makes the world look brighter (i.e. gay-friendly).

Maybe I could have read a play or watched a film or something instead of vegging out in front of this retarted computer game. This is what happens when Aaron and computer games mix. Grrr.

BTW: Hurray for José Luís Rodriguez Zapatero of Spain's socialist party defeating José María Aznar of the PP. Not that I'm a Socialist or any nonsense like that, but this is a strong anti-war vote from Spain's people. The world's people continue to tell their leaders that War is not what the people want (notice Germany in 02 and South Korea in 03 as well). If only the people of the U.S. would do the same thing in 04.

3:20pm. Beckett returns all mail to sender in bold act of anti-theater.

3:32pm. Beckett says lost mail is a metaphor for a godless universe.

This magazine has so many good articles in it. I await its arrival monthly. This month: Harold Bloom, Dominick Dunn on Martha Stewart, and the 2004 Int'l Best Dressed List. That George Wayne, though: he asks questions of these poor straight boys that make even me blush! What a scandal.

Party went well last night. A little hung over. I was going to go see a movie today, but I guess I will try to cut LLL like I said I would. I do still want to go see Burn This. We'll see. Maybe I'll make it. Maybe not.I had a very nice time with the friends. We just hung out and talked. It was late by the time everyone got here, and then I just wanted to go to bed. Birthdays in the middle of the week are no fun. I am not into the whole going to work on my birthday thing, but I did get some nice gifts, including this lovely CD of Philip Glass Etudes 1-10, the revival CD of Nine, and the sdtrk to In America.

I think I will head down to Williams-Sonoma and look at more pots today. I feel like shopping.

12 March 2004

I had a weird impulse today to watch E.T.: the Extra-Terrestrial. Nancy had loaned it to me, so it was sitting on my table when I started to laundry. It was cute. I know everyone in the whole world has already seen it, but it was my first time. I think I ought to have watched it when I was younger, although I still liked it. Two things: 1. who is this chick who plays the mom... I mean, where did her career go... and why wasn't Melinda Dillon playing this part? Strange. 2. E.T. is ugly. Not cute. At all. Ugly. Bony-looking, but somehow fleshy. He grossed me out... and when he's all ashy... that was nasty.

Typical Spielberg bullshit when E.T. dies. I mean, I really believed that the little man died. The first ending of a Spielberg movie is always the best one. After he ends it the second and third time I never like the movie as much. I should always leave the theatre after ending one.

Funniest thing in the whole movie. E.T. trick-or-treating and he sees someone dressed as yoda and he follows him. That was damn funny shit. I was seriously laughing out loud... the roommate didn't laugh at all... he's boring.

My little brother sent me a gift from Williams-Sonoma: this gorgeous copper sauce pot. Someday I will have the whole set, but this thing is simply beautiful. I am just going to stare at it for now.

Talked to the neighbor lady (who complained about me and Wahima making noise) for a long time. She actually asked me questions and we stood outside my house talking for a while. I wanted to escape the whole time, but it was a nice gesture, I guess.

I have to tell you all about this movie Room at the Top that I watched last night. It was excellent. I watch so many good movies in my life. This movie is one of the reasons that Netflix and I are friends again. You just can't get movies like this at Blockbuster or Hollywood. Anyway...

Room at the Top is a British import made in 1959 starring Laurence Harvey as this yuppie from a small British town. For a while he is just sullen about how everyone is rude to him about his class, and then he decides to go after the girl in town with the richest dad... she's also cute and young and nubile and all that. Meanwhile, he starts fucking this older woman on the side... because he actually cares about her. From here there is a lot of melodrama, and a lot of really nice touching love scenes. It ends tragically, but way better than I thought it would end. Instead of picking the two or three really easy ways out, it chooses the hardest, cruelest way out... the way that makes the story about class struggles in Britain and succeeds in making the film a real tragedy. Damn good film. It also stars Simone Signoret (who won an Oscar as the older woman), and Hermione Baddeley (who played the chambermaid in Mary Poppins.) Laurence Harvey isn't as dreamy here as he is in, say Darling or BUtterfield 8, but that's okay. He's trying the acting thing instead of the whole matinee idol thing.

If we legalize homosexual marriage, the next thing people will want to do is marry Kristy.

11 March 2004

It seems sort of unkind to object to something as wholesome and PG-13 as the version of Zorro with Antonio Banderas, Anthony Hopkins, and La Zeta-Jones, but I do object to it. I saw this movie this morning for the first time and the movie is action-packed and fun and a good time and all that, but what I object to is the violence.

I hate hate hate violence that is cartoony. Anytime people are being punched instead of shot or stabbed or anytime two guys' heads are bashed together and that is supposed to knock them out. This feels not only fake, but really irresponsible. For me, in addition to being totally dishonest, I feel that because we let children watch stuff like this, we teach them that violence isn't bloody. That people don't die or bleed or anything like that. We teach them that you can hit people and nothing happens.

Now I am opposed to violence in real life. I think it is almost always the wrong way to solve problems... that goes for war and murder and domestic violence and anything like that (it is rare that I want to hit even people I dislike intensely.) In movies, I don't object to violence at all. It exists, therefore we should show it, if we want to, but by forming enormous lies about violence and its results, I think we do the public a real disservice.

10 March 2004

I love living alone... not that I live alone, but I love it. Tonight I came home and took off all of my clothes except for my Calvins and now I'm eating reheated pizza and drinking Blue Nun.

Tonight at Cloud 9 rehearsal went okay. I dunno. It wasn't that I didn't feel like teaching, because I was really excited about it. Maybe I sensed that the actors weren't too excited about it... maybe it was the layout of the room. Jensen sitting so high up and me feeling I had to go to each person individually instead of them coming to me. Or perhaps it was just the regular old teaching thing of being on the spot with a group of people who aren't afraid of you (unlike the Acting II class when I taught that... the fear was palpable.) But none of these people cared what I thought. Not complaining, just noting. I dunno... plus I feel so weird around Mark, like at any time he might gaze at me or anything. I don't even know if he still likes me, but it weirds me out. This has everything to do with me, mind you, and absolutely nothing to do with Mark, let us note. Ashley's presence made me feel more at ease, and Samantha and Jeremy are always fun to be around, but...

The quarter's almost over too, and I suppose everyone is tired, but—and I just realized this tonight. I am not on the quarter system. It is so weird, but I always think of time as rather large chunks of space. This show or that show is always starting/ending/opening. Not doing a show, I don't have this time constraint. I have only work and whatever else I do after work. I don;t even have school starting in September. Just the same amount of work in September that I had in August. I will get other shows, and it won't be as monotonous as all that, but right now, it's a little scary... like the life of an accountant. AHH!

This white wine is good... just sharing. Tomorrow I am having dinner with my brother and sister. They are picking me up. That should be nice.

I was hearing an article on NPR tonight called How Serfdom Saved the Women's Movement. Nice title, and very apropos subject matter, but I have to say, though I don't particularly like her writing, Lisa Loomer already scored with this one when she wrote the play Living Out last year. Theatre practitioners... as usual: on top of shit.

The 'Rents sent me a very nice birthday card. It says: Of all the things in my life that I might have or could have or should have done differently, there's one thing I'd never change, and that's having you for a son... If I didn't always find a way to say it, I hope I always showed it—I'm proud to be your parent, and I love you, Son.

How sweet are they? I feel loved. I have to remember to send Justin his card tomorrow.

Watched The Ladykillers this morning (the original). No thank you. I hate movies from the 1950s that are like this. Now, I am opposed to old people to begin with, and the old lady in this thing is annoying as all Hell, but a lot of 50s movies have this Capra-esque legacy that says that good salt-of-the-earth people who are genuine and have good motives always deserve to win out, even if they are dumber than shit. Notice this in Capra movies like Lost Horizon and Pennies from Heaven. This is bad Capra. I genuinely like movies like It Happened One Night and Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. The Capra legacy of which I speak are movies that try to recapture this spirit of good triumphing over evil (which usually means stupidity triumphing over intelligence) in movies like Forrest Gump (blecch) and The Majestic (double blecch). In the '50s, the bad guys always lost and they were always captured or foiled by idiots. This drives me crazy. I sound a little bit Fascist here, but it's not that I want intelligence to always triumph over stupidity or banality, but at least sometimes it could happen. In the 1950s movies just didn't do that. If you were a good guy you won... no matter how stupid you were. Is it sick of me to root for the criminals and to wish that they would just snuff the old lady and get it over with?

09 March 2004

I am already planning my Saturday. When I do that I get my days hopelessly confused with one another. Tonight I did a whole lot of work on the dialect stuff for Cloud 9. Hopefully this goes well tomorrow. I hope for talented students. I am crossing my fingers. Samantha will be there... that will be fun. She will resist me. She is the official "keep Aaron on his toes" person.

Fuck. If I go see Burn This, I won't get to go to UCLA to see The Balcony. Do I really want to see Balcony? I suppose it really isn't important... the movie will be here soon as it is. Burn This is more important and it, at least, will have Brian.... Brian... Brian. What a bastard for not calling me for all these months... oh well. He will hug me when I see him, and then he will promise to call again. That's damn fine by me. Maybe he actually will this time. I think I will start reading some more Albee. Tabor gave me this book by Clive Barker, but it's just not my style. Not really into fiction to begin with and it's creepy and Hollywoodish at the same time, like a big studio picture with a director who takes shit too far. Besides, gay though Mr. Barker may be, he is not writing for the gay audience, which makes it feel a little bit like he's trying to pass, which grosses me out.

How crap that my parents are going out of town on my birthday. Oh well. I will be 23 anyway... not like it's a watershed in my life. Kudos to Mick and Debs for inviting me to dinner on Thursday, though. They are on top of shit. Child called me today to ask what kind of candles I want for my birthday. What a good child.

Saw a great movie tonight. The Return. It was this wonderful story about a dad and his two sons with some great twists and a lot of tough love/masculinity stuff. Stuff I'm a sucker for. No crying, though, which is good, although I did gasp.

I am having strange restless feelings right now. Again, I am at work and feeling excited and awake. My boss is at home doing PITRs and I am here and I actually have work to do!Linda Bisesti called me today and asked me to cut LLL in the next week. We'll see.She still thinks I should get an MfA, but couldn't really talk, so we hung up. Is there no one who wants to go catch Lanford Wilson's Burn This with me at CSULB on Saturday?

08 March 2004

I have rearranged my schedule, and now I am scheduled to arrive at work at 10:00am instead of 9. This means I have time to do yoga and do other things around the house.... like today when I replaced the shower head on my shower, feeling very butch the entire time. My new shower head is so nice. I had the most relaxing shower ever. Ahh. My curtains are very nice too. They really spruce up the room and I am very glad I got eggshell instead of white. White would have made this room get a headache. Eggshell blends in seamlessly.

Last night I saw Good Bye Lenin!which is very funny and very charming, but ultimately, I think, is not sure where it's headed and so doesn't know how to resolve itself. The film is very good, though, and easily moves to #1 for 2004. (Having only seen 3 movies so far, this isn't difficult).

07 March 2004

Yeah, so today was like old times in so many ways. As posted earlier, I watched the John Lasseter movie A Bug's Life. Such good times. Then I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyooooond to look for draperies. I found very little stuff that liked, but I did settle on some sheer linen drapes in eggshell that were made in Turkey. (Always trust any fabric that says 'made in Turkey.') I couldn't find anything heavier to go over them that I liked. But there certainly are other places than Bed Bath & Beyond. I will shop for additional curtains next week perhaps.

Then I went to Jonny's grave, which I haven't seen in a while. Not sure why I still go, but I feel that if I go I am taking an active role in remembering him, not just passively going "oh, yeah, him, that boy." If I make myself visit his grave every once in a while, I am forced to deal with the reality of his absence.

Then I spent some time with Jaime and Derek at our old stomping grounds: the Claremont Village. We went to Rhino (where I bought Miss Saigon (UK) and Little Shop.) I love buying used cast recordings. It's the only way to go now that I finally decided that I like musical theatre to a certain extent (this does not extend to the LaChiusa Wild Party or that Webber trash Starlight Express/Jesus Christ Superstar.)

Derek dropped a bomb on us that is going on in his house and Jaime discussed her mother and that nightmare. Then we went to eat at Mimi's like we used to and we discussed my university plans. They will both have to get PhDs too. We had a long talk about our goals and dreams and stuff, then we went back to Claremont and stood in the parking lot for so long talking about Senator Kerry and Bush and Howard Stern and the FCC and other political stuff, and then we moved on to the moon and science. They are so fucking intelligent and I am so lucky to call them my friends. These are my two best friends in the whole world. This really hit home to me today. These are the people who I believe in and trust more than anyone else.

Just finished watching A Bug's Life by John Lasseter. Fucking amazing shit. Seriously I cannot believe I waited this long to see this little gem. I cannot wait until Lasseter's next film Cars. Those Pixar folks are bloody geniuses.

I am off to buy drapes. Do you really want me to get you some, Wahima?

Last night I dreamed that I was on the Jenny Jones set (don't know if she still has a show or not, but she does in my dream). For some reason Susan Lucci was on the show too but she was dressed like the green chick from Wicked with the makeup and everything. Then we were all on the set of All My Children and I was telling someone... they recognized me and I was saying that yes I had been on the show a while back, and then I said that my real show had been One Life to Live and that I was on that show for a long time. "Didn't you play Joey Buchanan?" someone asked and I said yes I did for a day or two, but I eventually played a character who I wrote myself... I did this for a long time. The dream ended with me and Robin Strasser on live TV... weird.

What's weirder is that in the dream this was all true. I mean, I had been on One Life. When I woke up I had to remind myself that I was never actually on the show, I just watched it everyday.

I am so sore today. This is my body telling me I ought to do yoga more often.

I don't know what I shall do today, but I am thinking of visiting Bed Bath and Beyond to shop for curtains.

There are two men out and it’s in the ninth and the score is four to three There's a man on first and a man at bat and the man at bat is me And I'm sorta scared and I'm sorta proud and I'm stronger than I seem And I take a swing and my dad is there and it’s what you'd call a dream For the ball flies in the sun and it sails off as I run The crowd is roaring; cheering as I go; so are all the guys on the team And I run for home and we win the game and it’s what you'd call a dream

And the sun shines like diamonds The summer sun shines like diamonds The summer sun, high in a baseball sky, shines like diamonds And the sun shines like diamonds And the sun shines like diamonds

There are two men out and it’s in the ninth and the score is four to three There's a man on first and a man at bat and the man at bat is me And it’s what you'd call a dream

The preceding is one of the best audition songs for tenors you can ever find. It was written by Craig Carnelia and is from his off-broadway revue "Diamonds." Every audition I've been in where we've heard this, the director will ask "What is that from??? It's a winner.

Also, Ashley. Merrily we Roll Along is a Sondheim show like I thought. Cheers.

06 March 2004

After vacuuming and mopping and doing laundry and watching Colin Nutley's Under the Sun, which I highly recommend, I had the impulse to do yoga.

So I popped in Tape 2 and I did yoga for the full hour. I fucking worked out and I can't believe it.

Then I went to the grocery and did dishes and waxed insane about love and friendship for , who will be here to pick me up in like an hour. I feel so good! And it's only saturday. Tomorrow I am going to try to see either Hidalgo or Good Bye, Lenin!

The Swiffer is my new best friend. I purchased the WetJet version of this little device. It's a mop that dries as you go. Brilliant. I swear. This is as convenient as the George Foreman Grill. Now, if only I didn't have to sweep before I mopped.

I really need to do laundry today, but that takes quarters which I think I have in my car all the way downstairs in the garage... which means I must get dressed because someone might see me.

Does anyone want to go see a student-directed production of Jean Genet's The Balcony at UCLA? I have never seen it, and I like Genet, so I'm thinking of going. I think it runs this weekend and next. I also am planning on heading down to CSULB for Lanford Wilson's Burn This which my friend Brian is in. If any of you LJ-ers wanna come with, let me know.

I have to be careful that what I do at CSUP doesn't become some kind of longer pattern in my life. I musn't settle. It's funny, though... I think of what I do as a kind of service. I help people, actors, etc. As a teacher, I am rather under the impression that that is the goal of a teacher. I suppose I never thought that the goal of a teacher could be to excel at teaching. I'm not someone who is a climber. I am not into the whole "upwardly mobile" thing, but maybe that is the suburbanite in me keeping me down. I think I have the capacity to be the climber, but is it something I desire? I'm just not sure yet. I am so glad I applied to UCLA, though.

What I am is what I am are you what you are or what? [If only you were right, Edie, but what I am is not what I am and what you are is not what you are, either.]

UCLA was a very good thing today. Campus is beautiful. I learned today that I don't think I want an MfA... I am quite sure that I don't want one from UCLA at any case. I had a very long conversation with some of the faculty there. They had much to say that has me thinking.

Watched A Passage to India tonight. Boredom. Although the man Judy Davis doesn't marry--Nigel Havers--is bloody gorgeous. I wanted to rape him under the Indian sun. Well, maybe not that far... or maybe so. Hm.

I really must do my laundry tomorrow.

What is an MfA? It is a degree awarded by a school purporting to offer a good liberal arts education. Does it mean anything if it comes from anyplace less than one of the best schools in the country? What is it for? Will it allow me to teach in one of the best schools in the country?

Parents extremely supportive, although, they want to know what my plans are now that I am not going to UCLA. Guys: it's been 3 hours. Give me time to think...

04 March 2004

I watched about 5 minutes of Donald Trump's show The Apprentice. Good TV, although I hate how reality TV shows always play this horrible music with heavy drums and spooky backgrounds as if what is going on on the tube is the most important thing in the whole frigging world.

Saw my friend Aaron today at the EME show. EME was great today, by the way, and I especially appreciated your work on scenes, Ash. This was most clear during the crazy dentist scene which was very funny... even Kevin was funny and let me tell you that is an achievement. Ash gave 'Sandra Day O'Connor' to poor Samantha, who of course had no idea what to do with her. It was so funny I was actually in tears.

Off to bed. Hopefully to rest up for tmw. INTERVIEW. I am so nervous. If they ask me to direct a scene, I have to figure out what that can be... I will decide tomorrow morning when I look at my library.

Maxwell fucking rocks.

I love when people randomly give me money. Thanks to for the cashola. Yesterday Kristen gave me $20 for doing her taxes, and on Monday gave me a big ol' wad o' cash. Yay. Someone ought to mug me and steal all my money (and hopefully have their way with me so that the day isn't a total loss.) Sick. I'm sick.

I feel bad for not wanting to go up to San Berdu County with miss thing but I just can't deal with all that suburban-ness. La Verne is a trial for me... think of San Bernardino County and remember why I live in a lovely urban area like Pasadena. Come visit me instead... we'll go see Good Bye, Lenin! Well come visit me anyway... call me about Starsky. I really will go. I promise.

I don't want to make it rain. I just want to make it simple.I don't want to see the light. I just want to see the flashlight.I don't want to know the answers to any of your questions.I don't want, no I really don't want to be John LennonOr Leonard Cohen.I just want to be my dad with a slight sprinkling of my motherAnd work at the family store and take orders from the counter.I don't want to know the answers to any of your questions.I don't want, no I really don't want to be John LithgowOr Jane Curtin.But I'll settle for love.

I have arrived at work and my boss is not here. Nancy says he will not be in till 10:30/11:00. Woo Hoo! My homeless friend at work stole a LaRouche for president poster. Utter nonsense.

Last night I had dinner with Kristen MacLaren my dear friend. It was good for my soul. I was so glad we hung out. She picked me up and then we headed to dinner. The first place's wait was 50 minutes, so we headed to CPK where we had salads and then I had a brownie with ice cream. She's on a diet... I'm not. We talked for hours. I don't think she left until around 11. It was so nice. Last night was what I want most of my evenings to be... relaxing no-stress fun times with friends late into the night.

Today I am going to CSUP to see the callbacks for Cloud 9. It is all very exciting for Wahima. I'm bringing her cake. We talked on the phone for a long time last night about it all, and I think she has some really great ideas. She understands the play a Hell of a lot better than I do (she ought to, of course, but sometimes that isn't the case with directors). I am going to try to see the EME show, but I may just stay for the first half. My interview at UCLA is tomorrow and I wish to be well rested.

Netflix: I mailed out a movie yesterday and it had received that one this morning. If they mail its replacement out today I will get it tomorrow. That's a 2 day turn around. For some reason, though, they didn't get the 2 I sent on Monday until this morning. Weird. Maybe it's just a fluke... but a fluke during my free trial! Horrors.

I wanted to mention the U.S. Supreme Court. I keep meaning to write about it. Whenever I hear the phrase. "The Court's ruling was 7 to 2. Dissenting from today's ruling were..." I don't even need to hear the rest. I say it with the reporter: "Justice Antonin Scalia and Justice Clarence Thomas." I like them because they dissent to everything. Of course I think they're both completely morally bankrupt, but they are dissenting voices and that is what the U.S. is all about. One more thing about the U.S.S.C.: This is the body in the United States in which I have the most faith. In fact, I have complete faith in the U.S. Supreme Court and I can explain my faith in three little words: Sandra Day O'Connor. She is the most powerful woman in the country, and in my opinion the most intelligent. She is on the winning side of every decision that the Supreme Court issues and the reason for this is that the court is split evenly 4/4 between liberals and conservatives. O'Connor decides who the majority is by being the only true swing vote. This would be dangerous were she partisan in any way or stupid any way, but instead, she is the sanest person in the nation. I love the court. I love its structure. And, lately, I love its decisions.

No movie last night and no movie tonight. I guess the netflix delay is ok. Maybe if I have time I will watch A Bug's Life.

03 March 2004

Yay, I am leaving work in 5 minutes and my boss just headed out to the "East Office" (his house)... he's such a dork. Perhaps he will stay home all day tomorrow.

My stomach is feeling full, perhaps it is the enormous cheesesteak I had for lunch. There is probably something not quite salubrious about eating one really large meal at noon and hardly anything the rest of the day.

There was actually work to do at work this afternoon, although the morning was utterly pointless and I had to think up shit to do.

My dad called me about the interview on Friday. Am I excited? I'm kind of not, but I don't expect to be liked, so perhaps that is it. My self-worth is so unhealthy when I think of myself as a candidate for acceptance to graduate school... though I am absolutely dying to go. Nancy says I am trying not to be excited... yeah, I suppose. Don't wanna get my hopes up.

I need to paint my condo. I think I ought to start with my bathroom... something in a pastel yellow or green or blue. Something that looks healthful.

I am back on the fence about netflix. If I return a movie in the mail on Monday, when will I get the next one? It is now Wednesday. Will I get the new one on Thursday? Friday? If it's Saturday I am rethinking the whole thing, but even if it is as infrequent as 3 a week, that is still $20/12 or $1.67 per flick. That ain't bad. Plus, you can't get Gerry or Blowup or the unrated version of In the Cut at Blockbuster or Hollywood.

I hate imaginary love... or do I? I suppose I revel in it instead of really hating it. I develop these fantasies about people (i.e. boys) I barely know and then I allow my mind to just take them and run. It's amazing that I have any grip on reality whatsoever.

I am so excited for Wahima's auditions tomorrow. That will be so exciting, and then there will be dialect work and more fun times, and I will be a useful, productive human being again. Cloud 9 is far superior to how I remembered it. It is a scathing, beautiful critique of sexual mores in our society. I love it.

I am such an ungrateful, needy fucker sometimes. Jaime says she and Julie were just talking about my birthday and what we should all do. They decided that they would all head out to my place and then I wouldn't have to drive. They thought the best thing would probably be for all of us to just hang at my place and be together. (I had already nixed the idea of a restaurant because none of us have the $$ to go places I would like to go.) Fucking Perfect. It is absolutely incredible to me that as I sit here writing about how my friends really ought to know that they do really know. I mean, maybe I need to get with it. I am sure it was Jaime's idea. She knows me better than anyone, probably.

Oh, here's another thing... she says of UCLA: that's incredible. She's absolutely rhapsodic about it and then she says, "considering how on the fence you were about even applying," the fact that you got to this stage is outstanding. Anything above getting that application in is just gravy as far as I'm concerned." I was fucking speechless. I am SO grateful for her. She almost always knows the perfect thing to say to me. It is phenomenal. (I have used all of my superlative adjectives up in this paragraph. The next will be completely devoid of them.)

I do the same thing to her, and I am usually aware of it when I do, but I forget that she plays that rôle with me as well. Hooray for friends. Ashley has got me thinking about childhoods. Full length days that were happy... ummm.

There was a day when I was at my grandfather's house once and my Aunt Heidi, who I have been trashing in this journal for a while now, (because she's not an adult), and Gramps and (I suppose) Michael and Debs and I made ornaments that were some sort of stained glass. What you did was take these sort of wrought metal things that looked the way stained glass frames look, and then there were these little beads/chips/granules of some sort that were all different beautiful colors—jewel tones: reds and greens and blues and violets of all different shades. You put these beads in each section of the stained-glass frame and then you baked them on a cookie sheet. The colors flattened out in the oven and became ornaments that looked stained glass. They were beautiful, and I remember actually thinking—it was late in the evening when we were done—how grateful I was that my aunt and grandfather had taken the time out to get us this kit and make all of these beautiful ornaments with me/us. It's actually all very vague in my head except for the ornaments which I can see very clearly.

It is 10:40, and I am off to bed. I am going to do yoga in the morning. I have decided it.

My mother called me this evening, and so did my brother, and my friend Madison, and my friend Jill, and my friend Kristen. I am not really lonely, but I hate the telephone. I prefer to spend real actual time with people I love. I'm not really bored either. I am excited about my interview on Friday (what to wear!), and I just finished Jane Campion's In the Cut.

Wahima offered me a job today that I flat refused. I just couldn't do it. Politically the implications of that are just way too fucking bizarre. And yet... to do it somewhere else would be fun.

I was thinking that I wish someone with cojones like Wahima would have been in a position of power at that school when I was there... except that that person was me. Not that I want to be an actor again, because I don't, really, but there are things that I want to say that I cannot say as a director that I could possibly say as an actor.

I once had a friend named Justin. He is not my friend anymore and I miss him. How very maudlin that looks on paper.

And so it isn't the right word. Perhaps the correct word is "lacking." Perhaps it would be accurate to say that something is missing. Some hole somewhere like Stuart Little's empty space. I want permanent friendships with lots of time together. I want soulmates who want to be with me. I want a lover and a friend and a teammate. When Jai asks me what I want to do for my birthday, the truth is that I want my friends to love me. I want them to know what I want to do for my birthday. I want them to be willing to do things that I want to do. I want them to give a good goddamn about me and my life and my dreams. Jaime's calling me... I'll finish this later.

I forgot the real news of the day in my insanity of typing utter nonsense out into the ether! UCLA emailed me today and wants to schedule an interview. This makes me instantly nervous. But an interview sometime later this week!!!! Oh god.

Witches can be right.Giants can be good.You decide what's right.You decide what's good.Just remember...Someone is on your side.Our side.Our side.Someone else is not.While we're seeing our side. Our side.Our side.Maybe we forgot: They are not alone.No one is alone.Hard to see the light now.Just don't let it go.Things will come out right now.We can make it so.Someone is your side.No one is alone.

I met my cousins Angela and Katie in Anaheim and then we drove together to the House of Blues to see Rufus, who we all love. Rufus' voice was not in top shape, and his songs tend to hang out in the higher rafters so this was not good. He kept cracking. But he was so cute about it and begged us all to come to Royce Hall later in the week (yeah fucking right, I'm not that well off, and I don't go to UCLA yet.) Anyway, he didn't really do my favorites, but he made me want to listen to his new album Want: One more. I'll give it more of a listen tomorrow while I am at work. It was a fairly good concert. The venue rocked. I had never been there before. He did at least sing Gay Messiah... hee hee, it was very funny. BTW: I actually felt butch at this concert. Hmm. No judgment on that, just a feeling. It isn't a normal feeling for me, but at this concert...

I am still very excited about the 8th level of Hell. I mean, to get there without lying! Sheesh.

My aunt called me today. This is why I shouldn't pick up when it says Private. We are rescheduling our Civilization game until March 20th because my father and I refuse to play if it is just going to be the three of us. Maybe Ashley can play with us then... Heidi asked me if I had a hangover from last night. "To hang over," I said, "one has to get drunk. And I am very rarely drunk." "Oh, I am so glad," she said. "I know there was a time when you were drinking a lot." Yeah. In high school. That was SIX years ago. Jesus. She is so out of touch. It's as if she wants to be out of touch. Then she went into a whole spiel about how she was disappointed that I didn't show more enthusiasm for her Christmas gift which was a duck that had a heating pad inside of it with a gigantic bowon its little duck head! There is a reason I didn't show any enthusiasm. It's called "as close to polite as I can muster." If I had been honest... well, that wasn't reall a possibility. When she brought this up I promptly changed the subject.

Netflix is working out just fine. I have already rented Gerry and Blowup. Both are films I couldn't find at Blockbuster or Hollywood, so it has been worth it.

Rain, rain, go away. I miss Disneyland. Being at Downtown Disney today made me want to visit the park. How lame that I have a pass but no best friend to go with. Jill! Come home.... Too bad I broke up with that boy Shaun... oh yeah, I didn't. Bastard. What am I talking about?

CHESS is coming to the Kodak Theatre in August 2005, which is like forever away, but I am so going.

I should come in to work at noon every single day. I am in such a good mood. Maybe it's the Antonioni movie I watched before I came in. Maybe it's that everyone is out at lunch except for me. maybe it's the Awesome Cherry Robek's smoothie I'm sucking on. Or maybe it's the sounds of Rent coming from the stereo on my desk.

I always start to feel sick after baking a cake... and sure enough, as I was packing up the leftover food from my party, I started to get sniffly. Damn powdered sugar. I swear I'm allergic, which is just wrong for someone who used to decorate these motherfucking pastries all the time. Thank goodness I only do it every once in a great while nowadays. I don't know how I got burned out on cake so early in life. I didn't even send the devilled egg stuffing through the pastry bag last night. I just spooned the shit into the hard-boiled half and hoped for the best.

Did I mention that I make perfect hard-boiled eggs every single time. Peeling them takes no time at all, the shell comes off all at once, the cracked ones stay in the shell instead of spreading all over, etc. And I can do like 18 at once. Seriously. I don't know why this is getting shared with the world, but it's my journal so oh freaking well.

I called in sick today. I told them I wasn't feeling well and would come in and work straight thru 12-6 instead of the normal 9-4. The real reason is that I have to drive to Anaheim for the Rufus concert and I don't want to have to go back home before traffic starts and waste all that time. I hate to waste time. This way, I'll just leave right from work to go see Mr. Wainwright. I've never been to one of his concerts... well, that's not really true. He opened for Tori when I saw her in San Diego in 2001, but that was a shortened set and he's had an album since then.