ASK AMY. Advice for the real world.

Blended families find comfort, joy

December 25, 2005|By Amy Dickinson.

Dear Amy: I read your letter from "Grinch," who was worn out from dragging her family around to make sure that four sets of grandparents were appeased.

My parents divorced nearly 20 years ago. For years, we would have to plan months in advance where my sisters and I would be on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to make sure that our parents got "equal time." When my sisters married and started having children, it got even more complicated.

A few years back, my mother and stepfather decided to visit my niece for her birthday. Unfortunately, my father and stepmother also were going to attend the toddler's party. My mother said had she known that they were going to be there, then my stepfather never would have committed.

I reminded her of the birthday parties of my youth, where both her divorced parents were in attendance. "Nana" and "Poppie" had divorced when my mother was a teenager but managed to come together cordially to celebrate their grandchildren. My mother said, "Your father and I are not Nana and Poppie!"

Last year, just before Christmas, we lost my beloved sister. She had been fighting depression for years and despite help and support from doctors and her family, she lost the battle.

At her funeral, my father apologized to my mother for being such a jerk over the years. All of their squabbles, post-marriage, had revolved around us "kids." Now that they had lost one of their children, there just didn't seem to be any point to the fighting.

On Father's Day this past year, my sister and I went to our father's home to celebrate it with him. Recognizing that we would also wish to honor our stepfather, my father also had invited my mother and stepfather to join us!

Since then, there have been many family celebrations that include all of my family. It is a gift indeed to be able to celebrate milestones and holidays without worrying that one set of parents isn't getting enough "face time" with the grandkids.

My wish this Christmas is that all families who are in similar situations can find a way to put aside their differences with a former spouse to allow peace and joy for the sake of everyone.

I only hope that it will not take the debilitating loss of a family member to do so.

--Still Grieving

Dear Grieving: My sympathy to you and your family on your terrible loss.

So many people greet this day hoping to find evidence of miracles. In my mind, this real-life story of your family's journey toward reconciliation is the perfect way to celebrate the day.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Dear Amy: Our family was also stressed out each year with the problem of trying to get to multiple family get-togethers because of divorces and remarriages. We solved the problem. All of our five children with their blended families total almost 40 people.

We set aside the first Saturday after New Year's Day as "Our Family Christmas." No one is overly stressed out by then, we can take advantage of post-Christmas sales, the kids love having another Christmas, and we have a whole day to enjoy each other without rushing off to another home!

This has worked wonders for our family for more than 10 years.

--A Stress-Free Holiday Family

Dear Stress-Free Family: I like your family's solution to this issue. Lucky you--you have another celebration to look forward to!