Anne Palumbo: Does familiarity really breed contempt?

Recently, three professors from top Northeastern colleges published an article in a respected medical journal titled, “Less is more: The lure of ambiguity, or why familiarity breeds contempt.”

Anne Palumbo

Recently, three professors from top Northeastern colleges published an article in a respected medical journal titled, “Less is more: The lure of ambiguity, or why familiarity breeds contempt.”

In an ivy-bound nutshell, they said that “fish and visitors smell in three days.” No! That was Benjamin Franklin who declared those truthful words. These three made the following statement: “The less we know about someone, the more we are inclined to like them.”

To which I rightfully added: “…except if they smell like old tuna.”

Although I did not read the humongous article in total, as it was loaded with complicated graphs and bloated paragraphs with scary headings like “methods” and “results,” I got the distinct impression they could have used my input.

And even though I do not have a degree in psychology, I did take Psychology 101 in college, and – as boastful as this sounds – passed. Consequently, I feel more than qualified to delve deeper and answer some tough questions that naturally arise for married folks, especially long-timers who have been married to the same familiar face for hundreds of weeks, thousands of days, and so many minutes it would not be in anyone’s best interest to tally them right now.

Let’s begin.

Q: Yikes! Does the “less is more” effect apply to marriage partners?
A: No. Spouses are curiously but mercifully exempt. On the contrary, we want to get as familiar as we can with our spouse, so we can (1) identify each and every trait that bugs us, and then (2) pummel those traits into submission. It’s the essence of every good marriage.

Q: But what if the spouse resists change?
A: Pummel harder. Deprive sleep. Flush the toilet when the rebel is showering. Do what you must to reshape the DNA!

Q: Is it true that we are most drawn to people just like ourselves?
A: Absolutely. If we could marry ourselves, we would. Opposites do not last. Sure, we may be initially drawn to someone with dissimilar traits – say, the wild-and-crazy goofball who impersonates Donald Duck after too many brewskis – but after a while those traits start to grate, making us think cruel thoughts that involve bodily harm.

Q: Then where does familiarity breed contempt?
A: Mostly, in the workplace. When your overpaid boss jingles coins in his pockets every time he passes your office, you feel contempt. When your noisy officemate sucks the roast beef out of her back molars every day at noon, you feel contempt. When your mother-in-law…oops! Next question.

Q: So, I don’t have to worry about contempt in my marriage?
A: Not exactly. But the contempt you feel in a marriage is what’s known as “loving contempt.” It’s what allows us to stay married to a person who clings to habits that, that drive us absolutely out of our minds!!! I mean, er, to a person with dissimilar traits.

Q: How does it express itself?
A: Since every couple expresses “loving contempt” differently, there is no good answer to that question. However, I often hear the words “loving contempt” and “cayenne pepper” in the same sentence. But I have no idea what my sister is talking about. Honest.

So, you heard it hear first, folks: When it comes to marriage, familiarity does not breed contempt – at least not in the traditional sense. It breeds something else, for sure, but nothing a little snap with a wet towel won’t cure.