Sexual and verbal intercourse--intercourse being a fancy word for connecting--are two of the main ways that two people experience being one couple in a long-lasting and healthy relationship. Shared words and shared sexual feelings both can provide a glue that bonds two into one. At the same, important factors during these bonding activities determine whether sex and talking together will loosen or strengthen the bonds.

Symmetry makes for more satisfying intercourse for both partners.

When people talk together, equal airtime creates a relationship in which both people count. Same with the symetrical pleasuring of sexual activity; equal attention to both partners' satisfaction conveys that both partners care about each other.

When people talk together, being considerate of the other person's likes and interests leads them to enjoy talking together. In sex too, responsivity to indications of what the other person enjoys or prefers to avoid matters hugely.

When people talk together, if he listens when she talks, enjoying the conversation by finding what's interesting in what she says, and vice versa, odds are good that these folks will enjoy being together. Similarly, both partners in sexual activity need to be open to receiving what the other offers.

Intercourse is most satisfying with partners who know how to take turns.

When people talk together, it's hard to both talk and listen at the same time. Same thing in sex. Best when one person is doing and the other receiving. On the other hand, singing together is fun. Especially in the higher intensity later phases of sexual intercourse, both partners can be active if they move in harmony with each other.

When people talk together, if it's all about just one of them, that's narcissism partnering with excessive altruism. Another word for excessive altrusism is enabling, or co-dependency. These terms all describe folks who allow inbalances to continue as if the inbalance is normal and acceptable. In sexual interactions, if one person gets all the attention, there's similar narcissism and excessive altruism/enabling/co-dependency.

If intercourse becomes bossy...

When people talk together, if one tells the other what to do, that gets old quite quickly. That's controlling behavior, and takes the fun out of a relationship. Same in sex.

When people talk together, criticizing each other puts toxicity and negative energy in a relationship, tarnishing love. Any criticism of a sexual partner is sure to poison the relationship, and the sexual enjoyment, probably for both. By contrast, sharing information in the form of feedback ("I get anxious, uncomfortable, etc when you ...) is vital. So is gratitude, enthusiasm, and appreciation.

Some say the world will end in fire, some say ice (as the poet Robert Frost writes in one of my favorite poems). Ice in relationships is cold disinterest with withdrawal from interactions and from the giving of positive vibes to each other. Couples who rarely talk beyond day to day logistics, rarely share their concerns and fears and joys, or rarely share sexual delights, these couples are at risk for finding themselves on a pathway to disconnection.

If you are not so sure that you are heading for an ever more loving and healthy relationship, take action now. Be sure you know how to save your relationship!

Denver clinical psychologist Susan Heitler, Ph.D, a graduate of Harvard and NYU, is author of Power of Two, a book, a workbook, and a website that teach the communication skills that sustain positive relationships.

With respect to sex, we seem to get so wrapped up in the stigma that men are to be desirers and women are to be desired, that both genders can ( and do) get ripped off by not actively taking part in the desire equation. That is: the profound personal and psychological benefits of BEING desired for men, and the freedom and power that comes with being the desirer for women.

Yes, I totally agree with you. The change in men and women's ways of doing sex together for me is the essence of the women's revolution. Now we can be on both sides, doers and receivers, of power relationships, and also can be totally collaborative.

We live in a wonderful time historically, and a great country, where equality is both the norm and the ideal.

Dr Heitler, I was interested to read your analogy of narcissism partnering with excessive altruism through conversation and that of sexual activity. I don't know about you, but I know of many people who seem to be the "it's about me" types who often have quite one-sided conversations (almost always their side) with those who listen intently (or at least appear to be - perhaps sometimes out of politeness). In regard to those potential narcisstic types, your article has now lead me to ponder how often a similar behavior/dynamic occurs in the bedroom and, if so, how adequately their partner's sexual needs are (or aren't)being met.

Yes, alas. You describe a classic and unfortunate dynamic, and one that probably used to be all the more prevalent before the age of Women's lib. All too often in the past, stereotyped gender roles promoted this kind of pairing. Hopefully there's less these days....