Scott Pruitt Promises to Screw Environment Gently, Discreetly

WASHINGTON D.C. – Upon assuming the mantle as head of the Environmental Protection Agency, oil and gas industry lackey Scott Pruitt told a nervous nation not to worry about the tenacious deregulations. “This press conference is for the environmentalists, but oil lobbyists listen closely. We’re going to screw the environment, but we’re going to say please before wrecking your world completely.”

Pruitt continued, “Look, when it comes to the environment, I’ve learned that you don’t have to screw it hard. In fact, sometimes that’s not right to do. Sometimes you’ve got to say, ‘Hey, I’m gonna screw it gently, sweetly, even discreetly.’”

Pruitt also vows to work in conjunction with the Trump administration to “tease, squeeze, and then please” environmentalists if something goes wrong. Pruitt noted that, “If, for example, our rollbacks lead to an oil spill, I can say to the president, ‘Wait a minute Trump, I think I got something in our sea. Could you clean that out for me?’ That’s freaking teamwork.”

Pruitt ended his press conference on a foreboding note, saying “Once the planet is good and hot, then I’m gonna screw the environment hard. HARD.”