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The Cabin in the Woods is a slasher film that isn’t just trying to cash in on death and boobies… but there are death and boobies.

I have seen a couple other places do this and I feel like I owe it the same. If you do not want any type of spoiler at all, do yourself a favor and stop reading. Go see this movie with as little information as possible. Just know it is a slasher film. A bunch of teenagers go to a cabin and are attacked. That’s what you want to see and you’re going to get a lot more too. Now, on to the still not very spoiler-y, but a little more information than you may want review.

Horror movies are known for being predictable. They’re filled with archetypes we all know and, some of us, love. There’s the jock(Chris Hemsworth), the sexually charged bad girl(Anna Hutchison), the nice guy(Jesse Williams), the comic relief(Fran Kranz) and the good girl(typically a virgin or at least set on abstaining from the fun)(Kristin Connolly). It varies from film to film, but they typically end up in a secluded area where they split into small group and make increasingly stupid decisions until they’re mostly all murdered. The good girl usually survives and, if she’s lucky, gets to bring a friend along.

In that respect, The Cabin in the Woods is no different from the others. I personally grew up loving this genre. They’re not well acted and the stories are absurd, but there’s a joy in their simplicity(and sometimes boobies). My grandpa had a penchant for having marathons of these movies with my brothers and me. He especially enjoyed offering us money to touch the screen during extremely tense scenes(no one ever did). I will always have a special place for slasher movies and other horror films of their ilk.

The Cabin in the Woods has everything you want from a stupid slasher movie, but it differs by daring to ask why. Why do these people always make the dumbest decisions?(I don’t care how dirty you are, people are dying, it’s no time for a shower) Why do they always seem to find the perfect place in the forest to have sex? Why does this phenomenon of young people being murdered seem to happen nearly every year? The answers lie in a giant corporation having an affect on their actions. Don’t worry, there’s much more to it than that. The twists and turns will keep coming until the very end.

The two main guys representing this corporation are played by Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins and they’re great in their roles. The acting of the young people is more than passable and probably justifiable once you consider the meta things going on. Humor is used to great effect throughout the film. The standard slasher stuff stands by its self as a fine tribute.

The Cabin in the Woods isn’t perfect, but it doesn’t really aim to be. It wouldn’t be a send up of horror movies if it was. There’s one scene involving a motorcycle in particular that I really didn’t like, but it’s less than a minute.

I’m sure there will be more slasher movies made(and I’ll gladly watch them), but The Cabin in the Woods has rendered them unnecessary. The Cabin in the Woods essentially finishes the genre. I take my figurative hat off to Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard. The bottom line is, if you’re a fan of the horror/slasher genre, you owe it to yourself to see this movie. The Cabin in the Woods gets a Full Energy Drink and the best of luck to people attempting to top it.

If someone asks you what you did last night and your answer is, “I watched Bulletproof Monk,” your conversation isn’t going to last much longer.

Kar(Sean William Scott) is a pickpocket who meets an unnamed monk while running from the police? The monk, who has been entrusted to guard an incredibly powerful scroll, is also fleeing people working for a former NAZI commander? The two separate, but not before Kar swipes the scroll? The monk follows Kar when he is captured by Mister Funkstatic(There’s a tattoo of his name on his chest if you don’t believe me)’s gang for “boosting” on his “turf”?(This movie was released in 2003, not 1987) The monk sees some promise in Kar and decides to take him under his wing and see if he may fill the prophecy to become the next protector of the scroll?

I honestly don’t think Bulletproof monk gets enough credit for being a terrible movie. It has terrible wire work, NAZIs, ancient scrolls, a protagonist who learned to fight by watching martial arts movies and a machine that I’m not actually sure, but I think it has the ability to steal the thoughts out of someone’s mind. If only there were lasers… if only…

There’s really nothing good about Bulletproof Monk. It’s lazy. From the blatant wire work to the horribly dialogue(I one point the main character explains why he chose the Cantonese word for family as his name: “I figured I never had one so now I’ll never be without.”) Not one of the fight scenes is compelling and every attempt to make you care about anything is lazy at best.

It would be acceptable to watch Bulletproof Monk after meeting the following criteria:

You’re with friends

It’s after midnight

You’re slightly to fully inebriated

You can’t find your copy of American Ninja

Bulletproof Monk gets a solid Sleep Throughout because I did enjoy the ridiculousness of the whole piece.

[Note: I spoil Marley & Me in this post. I honestly didn’t think you would mind. Also, if you do mind, you’d probably like to know I use the “f-word” too.(Shame on me)]

Blue Valentine is like watching your parents divorce, but you actually care about the marriage falling apart because your dad is Ryan Gosling.

Dean(The World’s 2nd Sexiest Man Alive, Ryan Gosling) and Cindy(Michelle Williams) are engaged in the type of marriage no one wants, but we’re all inevitably hurtling toward. His dream of making it big as a rock star ukulele player never really panned out.(Fuck you Israel “Iz” Kamakawiwoʻole) Dean now works as a house painter and Cindy is a nurse. They have a daughter, Frankie(Faith Wldaya), whom they both love and you get the sense is the only reason they’re still together. Dean has a line near the beginning of the film that somewhat sums up their situation, “I’m just tired, you know? I’m just fuckin’ tired.”

The action is split between showing how Dean and Cindy came together (he worked as a mover and she helped care for her elderly grandmother) and how their marriage is currently falling apart. In the beginning, Cindy is fed up with the fact that Dean isn’t serious enough. He drinks every morning before work, but sees this as a perk. He has no drive to become something better. As the story unfolds, however, it’s revealed that things aren’t that simple. The kindest thing Blue Valentine does is getting the death of their family dog out of the way in the beginning.(Fuck you Marley & Me)

The World’s 2nd Sexiest Man Alive, Ryan Gosling, and Michelle Williams give equally great performances. They have great chemistry as young lovers and that lingers over the dead inside married couple. A lot of praise should go to co-writer/director Derek Cianfrance. His background in documentary film making really shines through as he tells a very real, heartbreaking story.

Blue Valentine is extremely well-balanced. It’s an unabashedly brutal and simultaneously beautiful film. It gets a Full Energy Drink.

The text I sent my friend summing up this movie:

Dude. Blue Valentine is awesome. Also, women are the worst.

What did you think? Let me know in the comments. Also, if you liked this post, don’t be a jerk, share it with your friends.

“The Artist” is the story of George Valentin(Jean Dujardin), a prominent silent movie star who is handsome and charming. He’s the tits of the town and kind of a dick about it. One night, after hamming it up at a movie premiere, he bumps into an exceptionally adorable young woman who poses with him as the press snap photos.

The woman turns out to be Peppy Miller(Bérénice Bejo), a young dancer and actresses who is just starting in the business. At another chance meeting, George saves her from being fired; ultimately giving her the first break as an actress.

The main conflict comes when George’s film producer(John Goodman) introduces him to talkies. George laughs in his face because, remember, he’s kind of a dick. He’s essentially laughing in the face of the guy who came up with the idea for microchips and saying, “Piss off. Punch Cards Forever!” George refuses to accept the new medium and sits by to watch talkies and Peppy Miller grow in popularity.

The not-so-secret star of “The Artist” is Uggie, the dog. I’m willing to say that this movie would be near unwatchable if the dog wasn’t involved. Unless you spent your childhood maiming and killing small animals(in which case, you’re probably a sociopath of some sort and should really get that checked out), you’ll be completely mesmerized by Uggie. So mesmerized, in fact, that you’ll be tricked into thinking you’re super artistic and really loving Michel Hazanavicius’s delightful, nostalgic playfulness.(I kid, I kid)

I was a little skeptical going in to watch “The Artist”. From the outside, it seems like it’s going to be work.

“Hey, do you want to see a silent film about a prideful man’s refusal to accept the changing world around him?”

“Uhh”

“There’s a cute dog in it.”

“Ok.”

It actually isn’t a lot of work. It’s compelling and often quite funny. The humour is classic.(So classic, in fact, I felt the need to spell it all weird like that.) You won’t roll in the floor laughing, but it’ll make you smile. Jean Dujardin and Bérénice Bejo both give great performances. Jean’s character often comes off as a jerk, but when he smiles, it makes you smile. If given a choice between Uggie and Bérénice Bejo for an adorable companion, I’d ultimately choose Bérénice, but only because of life expectancy.

“The Artist” is a fun and touching look at a bygone era. It seems intimidating on the surface, but quickly breaks the ice and leads to a nice story. I did get a bit yawny toward the end, but that may be a result of our ultra awesome constant stimulation society. Regardless, “The Artist” gets a Coffee.

Suggestion: If you liked “The Artist” check out last year’s animated silent film “The Illusionist“. It’s just as adorable with some similar themes.

0:18 – Now is the moment we can all reflect on the quirkiness of Wed Anderson.

0:23 – I just got flashbacks to My Girl. Why would you go back if you know you’re allergic to bees?! WHY?!

0:28 – Seems to me all of these issues could have been solved more efficiently.

0:36 – If this is Wes Anderson’s Surviving the Game remake, I’m completely in.

0:46 – Edward Norton… you have won me over.

0:57 – Oh man, the quirk keeps comin’.

1:00 – Can we please bring back this look for age appropriate women?

1:08 – Eye patch kid just gave me an idea. Best/Worst drinking game ever: Do a shot every time something is just quirky for the sake of being quirky. I think we’re up to 5 already and this is just the trailer.

1:13 – Shot!

1:14 – Shot!

1:23 – FYI, this is a misleading choice during zombie apocalypse. Seems good, but if it gets lodged in a skull, you’re in trouble.

1:42 – Shot!

1:51 – Annnnnnnnd shot!

What can I say to you Wes Anderson? I mock your quirkiness but I’m still drawn to it. I’m due to revisit some of his movies. I never saw Darjeeling Limited because I hated Life Aquatic. To be fair, I watched it hours after going to a funeral and that’s quite possibly the worst movie to see in that situation. Maybe a revisit is in order?

I’m totally down to see “Moonrise Kingdom.” Wes Anderson does movies that are not only perfect to sleep through, but you want to sleep through them multiple times.

I have a feeling Kevin Smith is a little pissed about this movie since he’s planning a hockey movie of his own. If it’s a bomb it’ll be like Gili/Jersey Girl all over again.

0:04 – Not even to anything yet and I feel like it’s not going to be as good as Slap Shot. *sigh*

0:17 – Aw, Sean William Scott is so lonely.

0:19 – Glad to see that guy. I never learned his name, but he was acceptable as the Stephen in Undeclared. And, yes, I am too lazy to check IMDB. Some of us have jobs to do people.

0:30 – “I’m a fighter, not a lover.”

0:51 – Man, 69, so great. What a funny number. You see, it’s funny because there’s a sexual position in which… oh, you already know? Oh, you’ve known for like 17 years? I guess we should make that joke anymore, huh? I guess it’d be ok to make that joke, but if I were to make a movie I definitely wouldn’t put it in the trailer. Is this supposed to be a selling point? Hey, you remember that joke you were kinda too young to get in Billy Madison, but then found it funny as you got older? Here it is again except you didn’t grow up with it and so it’s not funny now. Hey, look, a movie trailer!

1:05 – Oh, I see, he said, “No glory holes here tonight.” You see, a glory hole is a sexual… wait, didn’t we just do this?

1:28 – Not gonna lie… I know it’s all fighting and sex jokes so far, but I’m already kinda bored.

1:33 – Oh, more sex and violence.

1:38 – Really Liev Schreiber?

1:47 – This movie had better climax with a time where it gets down to these two or I’m gonna be angry.

2:15 – I’m legitimately surprised they didn’t make a black guy playing hockey joke there… I definitely would have…

I’m a sucker for sports movies. Really, I’m a sucker for all movies, but I remember a B.S. Report last year where Bill Simmons pitched a movie idea similar to this, but directed by Jason Reitman. Man, I wish I lived in that world.

Pat Sajak: Do whatever you want, just promise to let me out of this basement.

0:36 – Pretty ladies in space… go on…

0:46 – What did Prometheus do again? (Quickly reference brain, definitely not wikipedia) Ah, yes, stole fire from the Gods and was bound to a giant rock while an eagle ate his liver every day. I hope this movie is the origin story of the iPod.

What can I say? I’m a sucker for space stuff. This is a prequel to Alien. It could go either way to be honest. I gotta say, I like that Ridley Scott likes strong female protagonists.

Prometheus looks like it’s going to be epic and awesome, but I can’t imagine it being something I’d stay awake through the entire time. Still though… aliens, flame throwers and space ladies. I’m buying a ticket; even if it does turn out that we’re all clones of the original lady thing or something… androids.