That is fact. It will not change regardless of how I feel. My feelings… do not change God.

I am so thankful for that.

When I feel God’s goodness, it brings me to tears. When I can see Him, when I can feel His workings in my life, it is an indescribable joy that feels my heart.

What happens though, when I can’t feel it?

Well… that also brings me to tears. This time though, it’s the painful kind. The kind where I am on the side of my bed, kneeling, and just repeating over and over through those tears: “God you are God. God you are so very good.”

Because it’s truth. Those tears, those fears and the loneliness of those tears, do not change that truth.

He is good when there is nothing good in me.

I went rafting on Saturday with some friends from my small group.

It was an amazing day, even though by the end I was exhausted and ridiculously cold.

On the last rapid, we were told to “hunker down”, so no one would get thrown from the boat. The rapids were stronger than our boat and our paddling.

After we got to shore and were waiting around, I became so cold. I longed for a blanket, jacket, dry clothes, gust of really warm air--just about anything that would make me warm again.

That is how I long to feel God’s goodness.

I want to wrap myself up in Him and His goodness like a warm blanket when you are drenched from head to toe and your lips are turning blue.

The rapids of confusion that I am feeling right now, are really rough.

They are tossing and turning my emotions, my feelings and my security left and right, and sometimes I can’t seem to stabilize them.

I am hunkering down. Way way down.

I may feel angry, I may feel confused, I may be tired and frustrated and at a loss for words.

But I am in the boat, hunkering down so far, repeating to myself over and over that my God is good. Because while I can’t feel it, the more I say it, the more I focus on it and not on the rapids that are tossing me every which way, the sooner I will feel it and make it to shore safely to wrap up in His goodness.

I don’t doubt His love and goodness. That has never, and I pray never will be, the issue.

The issue is I am a woman who is searching and seeking so hard and yet is confused.

A good friend of mine recently told me that confusion is a good thing, its part of trusting God.

I’m a mess right now. But God has a plan.

And my mess is part of the plan for the moment.

He knows that I am trying really, really hard.

I hate this. I mean really hate it.

I’m sick of feeling shame for feeling this way. It is hard to admit that I don't feel God's goodness because I do know that my feeling just isn't true. It is hard to admit to doubting, to insecurity, to feeling completely inadequate.

I’m tired of feeling like I try so hard and just keep running in circles.

I’m tired of crying.

But He is good.Always.

And I must always, always, always believe that.

I am digging down so deep, so hard, sinking as far down as I possibly can into the truth that God is and always will be good.

The rapids will end and I’ll make it to shore. I genuinely believe that.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Actually, let’s be honest, it’s been a rough week. Bit of a rollercoaster. One of the big ones.

About 95% of the time, I am confident in where God has put me and can look back in gratefulness at His faithfulness and workings in my life.

But when it’s a really, really rough day… I just want to cry.

I like to call it the “blah-funk”.

It’s not that anything is necessarily wrong.

It’s just there is this ache...

Oh, the ache...

Deep down in your soul, it seems no one can understand. Even if they are your best friend and they are going through the same thing. This ache is overwhelming. It hurts in places you didn’t know you had. It cuts in to every insecurity you have ever had about yourself.

It leaves you with the thought of wanting give into listening to that song that makes you cry, watch that movie that almost hurts, tell yourself “you’ll never be good enough” over and over again… because Satan wants you to stay right there; believing all the awful lies he is telling your precious spirit.

I’m well aware of that feeling. I know it all too well. Me and that feeling? We were best friends for a long time.

And Satan loves to remind me of that.

It is hard to give up insecurity. It is hard when that ache is throbbing in your heart, to remind myself that my confidence, my hope is in Jesus Christ. It is not in the things of this world or even in my own being and strength.

I am on a balance beam.

I have been for a long time.

Some days, I can do flips and jumps and sprint forward with the plans God has laid on my heart that He wants me to do for Him.

But this week… This week I looked down from my balance beam and realized, if I fall… I do not know what will happen or where I will land.

On top of that, it will probably hurt. A lot.

I am usually a pretty steady and stable person. This week, I started shaking. And when I started shaking, I looked down.

What happens when we look down is we get uncomfortable, and we decide we want to sit and just not go forward.

I’ll be honest; right now I don’t want to go forward because I can’t see.

I can’t see His plans for me and I’m not sure what is going on in front of me.

I’m in this place where I’m not comfortable, where I’m semi-starting over, where I’m out of my comfort zone, where the unexpected and the unknown are lurking around every single turn and are in every single corner.

And I’m scared.

I’m shaky.

I wish I knew what was ahead.

Here is fact, here is truth, here is reality.

God is El Roi—The God Who Sees.

He is Jehovah Jireh—The God Who Provides.

I sat down today on my balance beam. I sat and cried. I don’t see and I don’t understand. I am in waiting, I am weary, and I am tired.

I went home on my lunch break to do some laundry. I like to drive and talk to God, so that’s what I did.

One of my favorite things about home is my prayer wall with Scripture and words of insight and encouragement. I use it to help me keep God the main focus of my life.

On that wall, I read this scripture:

“But Moses told the people, ‘Do not be afraid. Just stand still and watch the Lord rescue you today. The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” Exodus 14:13-14

I first thought maybe I was just supposed to share this verse with my brother, as we had been talking most of the morning and I was seeking prayerfully for a way to encourage him in God’s word.

On my drive back to the office, Matthew West’s song “Strong Enough” came on the radio and I lost it. I mean, it was one of those ugly, may-need-to-pull-over-on-the-side-of-the-road cries. I feel like SUCH A GIRL when I do that. It’s awful.

And then the station (WAY-FM) played the Word on the Way (daily bible verse) of the day.

Two guesses what the verse was. Hint: see verse I just posted.

I’m not going to be all Positive Polly and tell you my ache went away.

It didn’t.

However, I stopped crying.

God sees. God hears. God will provide. Even when I have no idea.

I picked myself up from sitting on my balance beam staring downward; wondering what would happen if I fell off.

I’m starting to walk forward again keeping my eyes on Jesus, the perfecter of our faith.

I’m not strong enough, but I’m pleading with Him to be. And I know, without a doubt, He will be.

“Do not grieve, for the Joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

“So we fix our eyes upon not what is seen, but what is unseen. What is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 2:18

Friday, September 16, 2011

I usually end up sharing about 4 or 5 different things that I find throughout the week on Facebook, whether it be other blogs, videos, what not. SO I decided to do a collection of things that I am IN LOVE with this week and think you should go read, look at, pass along, cry over.. whatever you feel led to do.

Some of these are oldies but goodies that I read about once a month just because it touched me so deeply, some are ones that are new this week.

1) The Stuff of Good Relationships: Confrontation and Commitment First: I love love love her writing. B: She writes this amazing piece on doing something to hurt a friend and how she and said friend overcame it. I teared up a little when I read this. Friendships are SO NOT PERFECT. We are all going to make mistakes and hurt each other. The point is to be able to talk about it healthily and work through it together. Be committed to the friendship. True friends do that. Just the same as it should work in a relationship too.

2) The 5 Pillars of Manhood
--I'm a little out of my element on this one; I realize this. I am a single woman. However, there is so much truth written here that women of God can identify. And its genuinely meant as an encouragement to the men in my life and even men I don't know who will read this.

"Men take the lead, protect at all costs, provide in every way, live by your word and live a life of adventure with the Holy Spirit — obey God, not man and you will be the man of God you were created to be — and your woman will love you for it."

--Beautifully written and so very true. I just talked with my youth girls Sunday about having a TRUE relationship with Jesus and how just indescribably awesome it is. THIS is how you get that relationship.

4) Dayenu: It would have been enough
--This post brought me to tears. Literally. We live in the reality of God's goodness and God's promises fulfilled through Jesus Christ. Why isn't that enough? And if He did nothing more, would that be enough for our praise and trust?

Also the picture at the bottom of that one melts my heart.. and kinda makes me wanna go to Africa and bring her home with me.

I love finding new stuff--so if you have something you wanna share, send it to me. I'd love to read it and share with you!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Do you ever get that feeling that EVERYTHING as you know it, is about to change?

I’ve had that feeling once or twice in my life, and it’s completely nerve wracking.

What if I’m comfortable?

What if I like things just the way they are?

I don’t know what’s coming next, and that’s really scary.

Really. Scary.

Have you ever been there??

Yeah... That's where I stand now. On the edge.

Last week, I had the thought while getting ready for work: “I’m happy. I’m content. Life is good. Life is comfortable.”

I was actually putting on eye make-up and the second those thoughts passed… I dropped my mascara wand in the sink.

I looked at myself in the mirror for a second.

“Crap.”

In that moment I felt like God was standing right behind me, smiling and looking in the mirror with me, saying:

“Don’t get comfortable.”

I know He was smiling. He delights in moving me out of my comfort zone.

It’s when I’m out of my box, kind of stumbling around in the unknown that He knows I don’t have anywhere else to turn except to Him.

The last time I had this feeling, I was pretty much spot on. Everything changed. And I was a complete wreck the entire process.

I was scared before-hand, when I knew it was coming. I was anxious and panicky while in the middle of it. And I was sad after it.

There is a difference this time around though.

I am not an Anxious Annie. I still have my moments where I do wish we could get our timelines to coordinate a little bit better. But this time, there is such an incredible peace.

I know that whatever happens, whatever changes are about to come my way—This is God’s will for my life.

Do I have wishes and hopes for what He does? You better believe I do.

For this season of change that is coming, I’m dreaming big. God tells me to. He is worthy of our dreaming big; that is His character. Our duty and calling, is to live big with what He gives us.

I’m excited to see where God is taking me. I want to do His will. I want to serve Him. I want to go where He leads me.

I’m still a little scared.

I’d be lying if I just told you I was "happy as a clam"* and had a “come what may” attitude 24/7.

There are a lot of unknowns out there. Including the fact NOTHING may change.

I have to be ok with that.

I can get nervous. I can worry. I can freak out all I want.

I will be a miserable, fearful person.

“Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you. He will not permit the Godly to slip and fall.” (Psalm 55:22)

It’s a constant struggle to actually do this. This isn’t a one-time act of “ok, I gave You this; done and done.”

It is a daily battle to not think about what I’m scared of, to not worry about if God is going to show up, to not tremble when Satan tries to tell me no one sees, no one cares.

“Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments.” (Deuteronomy 7:9)

God loves me.

Diana Ruth. Me.

God wants nothing but good for my life and for this life to bring glory to Him.

He sees me. He knows I’m scared. He knows I don’t know what is coming. He is faithful in continuing a good work that He, Himself started in me.

It is up to me to acknowledge His presence in my life and let Him lead.

I’m standing on the edge.

If I jump, I have no control over what happens next.

If I just stand there, I’ll never experience what is coming next.

I could be afraid to take that leap.

But...

I’m going to choose to jump. I’m pressing on. He’s been training me for such a time as this.

I’m still not sure what race I am actually running, but now is not the time to quit.

It’s time to run harder than I’ve ever run in my life. It’s time to press into Jesus. It’s time to put my money where my mouth is and have faith and courage that my God loves me, is faithful and will provide and take care of me.

“Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.” (Hebrews 12:1b-2a).

*What does "happy as clam" really even mean? 10 points if you can tell me.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I have a confession: I can’t follow all the rules of how to be a single, Godly woman.

I don’t know about you but to me, following all the rules of who a single woman of God is supposed to be, and how she is supposed to act… is exhausting.

I want to be married. That is a desire of my heart. And I believe God put that desire there. Yet for me, it just isn’t time, and I trust that.

Until that time comes, it seems almost everyone has an opinion on how a woman of God, should act while single. And most of it is just plain confusing.

Play hard to get---but be available to be pursued.

Be outgoing---but be mysterious.

Be beautiful---but it’s more than just physical beauty.

Learn to trust others and seek help---but “guard your heart”.

What does all that even mean?

Over the summer, I did Andy Stanley’s study on The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating. The biggest point he tried to convey is relationships are not a fairy tale, they’re work. And the best thing we can do to prepare for a relationship, and to prepare for marriage, is to be intentional and become the person we are looking for, is looking for.

Awesome advice. And a complete 180 from society’s view of “just wait for prince charming to show up”.

But more and more of what I read about dating, love, relationships, etc.. comes back to those 4 above mentioned things that I as a woman “can do”.

As a woman of God, what does playing hard to get look like?

I don’t think this means telling a guy that I can’t go out for coffee because I need to wash my hair.

I think it’s more along the lines of waiting for him to ask you.

I can only imagine what a guy would think if I were to ask him to hang out every free moment I had. Desperate, clingy, and obnoxious are the first words to pop into my head.

But if I'm confessing things, sometimes I wish I could just ask the guy out. It gets tiring waiting around, and we’ve already established that I struggle with patience.

I don't though. BTW.

The bible doesn’t say: “The man is the pursuer. The woman is the one who should wait around and be pursued.” Every love story in the bible however, resembles this model. I don’t want a man that I have to ask out. I want him to “woo” me. I want him to seek me. I want to be pursued.

Be outgoing—but be mysterious.

This one. Have mercy.

I am very outgoing. I love to laugh and get to know people. I am shy at first, but I love love love to talk to people!

There is a very fine line we must walk though when it comes to the opposite sex.

Let him ask you questions. Let him pursue you. Be outgoing. Be witty. Be funny! But allow him to WANT to know more.

Sometimes I just want to bust at the seams to tell a guy something about myself--especially when it is relevant to the conversation. I have to remind myself though that once it’s out there, it’s never going back.

Like toothpaste. Once you squeeze it all out of the tube, how on earth could you possibly get it back in? Too much, too fast can lead to disaster.

This plays along with guard your heart.

I long for that intimacy of someone truly knowing me and knowing my heart, how I operate.

But would I want my future husband seeking that kind of a relationship with anyone other than me?

HECK. NO.

So why would I give that away?

If I’m guarding my heart, if I’m keeping quiet even when I don’t want to… Mystery remains. And someone, (aka my future husband), is going to be attracted to that. And want to know more. Hopefully then, pursuing me!

Be beautiful—but it’s more than just physical beauty.

I’m glad it’s more than physical beauty.

Is it ok to say that?

In our culture, looks are everything! We hear all the time how men are visual creatures and with every magazine, movie, model, musical artist out there looking like a goddess, it’s a struggle to have self confidence.

I have no confidence that I alone can attract my future husband.

I love to work out and be active. I like to look fashionable and pretty. Find me a girl who doesn’t.

But if we are going on JUST physical beauty—nothing else, I will lose that race.

I love Jesus. My desire is that He will shine through my every fiber and being. Even through my physical beauty.

My dad and grandmother used to always tell me growing up: "Pretty is, as pretty does." I've always liked to think this goes along with Peter saying that a gentle and quiet spirit of a woman is most precious to the Lord, NOT our outward appearance. (Just a bit more southern.)

My confidence comes from the fact that I love Jesus Christ. And what He has done for me. And who I am in Him.

With all the rules, with all the stipulations and ways that I should act as a single, Godly woman, I have figured out it really has nothing to do with me.

I am weak and cannot do this on my own.

The more I seek after Jesus, the more I desire Him, the more I ask Him to transform me into the Godly woman that will please Him; I find confidence in the fact that my future husband will be attracted to only me.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I did however go to Wal-Mart in the monsoon that hit Chattanooga and most of the South. I think it was more crowded than it was before the snow storm last year.

I didn’t really intend for my day to end up that way. I had planned on being by the pool, or at a movie, or hanging out with friends and their family. I had planned on doing SOMETHING.

I like plans. But this day... I liked that my plans got destroyed. The rain seemed to slow everything down, and make me stop everything I had been doing.

My day consisted of sleeping, reading, studying God’s word, watching a How I Met Your Mother marathon, cleaning and cooking. All while watching the steady downfall of the rain.

And it was perfect.

I only briefly spoke to three people throughout the entire day: my mom, the cashier at Wal-Mart, and one of my best friends.

Those were the only words spoken. (The count of words I sang… might be a little higher.)

Some days, I panic when I think I’m not going to see or talk to anyone. Honestly. I start to get upset and worried and stressed that I might have days like that FOREVER, where I don’t say a single word out loud.

Not on Labor Day.

Labor Day was the opposite. Labor Day was a reflection of peace in my life; a day I spent enjoying my time by myself, doing that things that I love (cooking, reading, relaxing) and even some things that I don’t love so much (cleaning).

This day gave me time to be thankful, truly thankful, for the days of peace and relaxation in my life.

I actually began to think about the panic stricken days when I’m alone, and realized that those days are far outnumbered by days spent with friends and family, engaged in love and activity.

The first time I ever lived on my own, I spent a lot of time alone. I was pretty much starting over in a new apartment, new church, and fresh out of college with no idea what I was doing. I had recently decided to completely devote my life to Jesus and stop trying to do it all on my own.

Same City, New Diana.

I allowed God to take control of my life and started to learn what trusting Him really entailed.

It was terrifying.

I remember just begging God for friends, and ways to be active and not alone. The silence was sometimes deafening.

Since then, He has continuously revealed Himself to me.

These days, I seem to stay pretty busy; be it spending time with friends, studying the word, playing sports or something involving church.

It was almost like being alone, not being busy.. meant that I wasn't living my life for God.

But I think God can be just as glorified in the relaxing days, as He can be in the busy ones.

I tell myself every morning: “It’s not about me.” We’re only here to glorify God. And while reading 2 Corinthians this past week, I read a passage that talks about those who are in Christ, being able to SEE and REFLECT the glory of God.

Everything we do should reflect God to the world that watches us.

Even our quiet days.

My peace on Labor Day came from Christ. He asked me to glorify Him, alone in my house, all by myself. And to do it with joy.

And I kind of wish I could bottle that day up with me and hold on to it forever.

In the day to day, hustle and bustle of this world, we seek to glorify God because you never know who is watching you. We are reminded to live this way all the time.

But we should also seek to glorify Him when we are all alone, when we are lonely, when we are relaxing, when it’s just you and Him.

I know He longs for those days. He loves us. He wants to spend time with just us. Reciprocating that... brings Him so much joy and glory.

That day was just Him and me. I think I’m going to seek those days more often.

Friday, September 2, 2011

In groups where I am not completely comfortable and not sure if I will be accepted, I stay quiet for a long time; ever so slowly revealing my layers (girls are like an onion after all).

I’m the complete opposite as well.

When I am with people I feel most comfortable around, it seems I can’t shut up.

I tend to have this switch that says: “Ok, you’ve talked about yourself enough today. Time to shut up and ask the other person about their life.”

When I’m nervous or anxious, my words are few and far between.

But my head… well it just never seems to shut up.

Some nights I lay in bed and I catch myself running down rabbit trials as fast as I possibly can, laying out every situation possible in front of me…

What if this happens?

What if I did this?

Is this how it’s going to turn out?

Maybe I could Google it.

Then I get mad, tell myself to just shut up—go to sleep. No one has ever solved every problem or worry they have ever had, in the middle of the night... with Google.

I catch myself doing that in my prayer life a lot, ESPECIALLY when I’m anxious or nervous about something.

I am not a control freak. I will gladly let you be the decision maker. I am leader. I am a planner. But I do not like to be in control of it all. But I sure do like to act like it.

I should have been named Annie. Anxious Annie. (I refer to myself a lot this way on Monday’s. Monday’s make me anxious.)

When I’m being an Anxious Annie, I talk to God SO MUCH.

I get in the car and immediately start in with Him, usually before the car has even started:

“Ok, I don’t know what the heck is going on.”

“I could use a little direction.”

“Please help me see.”

“I just want You to show up and reassure me.” (This one is just great… cause He’s there already. Duh.)

“Did You say what I think You said? Cause I think You did, but I’m being a doubting Thomas and I just don’t know, so if You could just reassure me and tell me, that would be awesome. I mean you are GOD after all.”

(Imagine me talking about 200 words per 30 second interval and you get the picture).

Side bar: I talk out loud in the car to God. While I’m driving. I am positive people think I have lost my mind.

Shockingly, the more I talk, the less I seem to hear. Yet even still, sometimes I think I just need to talk more. I mean, maybe He didn’t hear me the first time.

“‘Go out and stand before Me on the mountain,’ the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake, there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire, there was the sound of a gentle whisper.” 1 Kings 19:11-12

I miss the stars.

In downtown Chattanooga, you don’t see them like you can on the back porch of my parents house.

Every now and then, if you are far enough of way from all the street lights, in dark corner of this city I love so dearly, you get a good glimpse of them.

A couple of years ago I took a spontaneous trip to St. George Island in Florida with my college roommate and some friends. We went down to the beach late one night, just to walk around. It was so peaceful. The island was not at its peak of tourist season yet, and everything was just so calm that night. But what I remember most about that night is the stars. They came out in full force. On the middle of an island, on the beach, staring up into God’s glory… There was no mistaking how big He truly is. And just how small I actually am.

But here, at home, in Chattanooga… When I want to see the stars. I have to be very still and look very hard.

My “Anxious Annie” days are kind of like that.

God isn’t in MY words. God isn’t in my crazy rampant, “please hear me and answer me now” cries that I repeat over and over just in case. God isn’t in the noise and the lights and the ever so demanding craziness that seems to find us daily.

God is the quiet. He is the stillness. He’s in the “shut up and ask the other person how their day was”.

When I close my eyes, and say.: “Ok. I’m done. You know my heart before I even say a word. You know I’m anxious. You saw what I just went through. You know how I feel and how lost I seem. You talk. I’m going to listen for the whisper” THAT is when God’s love just renders me weak in the knees.

After writing about patience, it got tested.

I started feeling anxious. I started worrying. I wanted something to happen now.

But I realized what I was doing.

I got on my knees and said this:

“You are God. I am me. I am small. You are so so big. I cannot. But You will. So speak to my heart. I want to hear You.”

And guess what?

I heard Him. I felt Him. Loud and clear.

He’s there. We just have to be quiet. We just have to be still. We just have to WANT to stop and listen. He’ll talk to you, if you let Him.

When you feel like an Anxious Annie, when you do find yourself in a day where you a Doubting Thomas (and trust me, it’s going to happen… if you’re like me… A LOT) here are some suggestions:

Find a friend or someone you trust and can hold you accountable. Tell them your fears. And then allow them to remind you: you are you, God is God.

Go for a walk and look at the stars if you can find them. Stay still and look really hard. They’re there. Even in Chattanooga.

Shut up. When we become anxious, we tell God we don’t trust Him to do it and we take the pen from His hand. Get quiet, get still, and listen.

“Give the pen back to God, Diana.”

And I did. And this morning, there was peace. And joy. Because He loves me. A lot.