She really enjoys the group: no drama queens, no one upmanship, no my way is so much better, no hurt feelings if a few decide to do something and not include everyone.

If this is all true, then the birthday party should be a non-issue.

If her husband wants to host the other families, have a BBQ get together on a different weekend.

This. I have also chosen to have small birthday parties at home where most people do larger ones at other places. Most people chose to request no gifts or a toonie (two dollars) so gifting is not a burden. I enjoy them all. We also do a lot of general hosting and parties, so I know we aren't "shorting" anyone socially.

But people have different ways to host. I think a small party becomes problematic if you invite only a few of the friends. If it's almost entirely family, people will get it.

She really enjoys the group: no drama queens, no one upmanship, no my way is so much better, no hurt feelings if a few decide to do something and not include everyone.

If this is all true, then the birthday party should be a non-issue.

If her husband wants to host the other families, have a BBQ get together on a different weekend.

Thanks for all the replies, I'll pass on to Ellen.

As I said in the OP, the couple has no plans to change their DD's bday party at all. It will remain the family event they want. A decision on that was never under discussion. The kid activity centered bbq Paul was suggesting would be a completely separate event and probably not anywhere near their DD's bday month and would not have any reference to being a bday party.

While I don't know the other mother's I'll take Ellen's word that they seem drama free. She didn't indicate any of the parties are over the top as far as activities for the economic level of this group and that they are all relatively the same, which I think is one reason they were getting bored attending. They are tired of spending a weekend afternoon each month watching toddlers playing in blow up pools, or doing face painting, or being entertained by a clown. And fortunately for Paul and Ellen, cost isn't really a factor. If they hosted a traditional more adult focused bbq, they'd probably spend more on the cost of more elaborate food and alcoholic beverages.

As Ellen explained it to me, it sounds like this group sees the bday parties as a more elaborate extension of the twice monthly get togethers and have come to expect that everyone will take a turn hosting one each year. She did mention that so far at least one family hosted a joint bday party for their two kids, which ended up not being during either child's birth month. So I guess it's good a precendent hasn't been set that each family hosts one for every kids separately.

...As Ellen explained it to me, it sounds like this group sees the bday parties as a more elaborate extension of the twice monthly get togethers and have come to expect that everyone will take a turn hosting one each year. She did mention that so far at least one family hosted a joint bday party for their two kids, which ended up not being during either child's birth month. So I guess it's good a precendent hasn't been set that each family hosts one for every kids separately.

That's kind of where I was going when I read this. I'd actually go as far as to suggest that Ellen's actually 'doing it wrong' (in air quotes) with their individual invitations to the hosts. Look at it this way; if there are eight families and sixteen kids (they'll there soon, I expect) doing this, each family has:* Two birthday parties to host* Fourteen 'thank you' dinners to attend with their guests from these parties* Fourteen birthday parties to attend* Fourteen 'thank you' dinners to host for the parties they attend.Way too much for one year, especially in addition to their twice-monthly activities!

That said, if the group norm is to use birthdays to rotate hosting, they do have an obligation to host. But they can try things their own way:* Host a summer picnic at a park unrelated to a birthday.* Have everyone over for a birthday pancake breakfast.* Organize a simple birthday playdate for the kids that's not an actual party and just provide light snacks for any parents that come (our group does this often).* Do something else that reflects their family's interests and values but considers the group dynamics.

You never know, they might start a shift in trend - also breaking up the boredom - without unsettling the group!