Cadbury Is Experimenting With Some Strange Flavours

December 23, 2015

If you grew up in the UK, then it’s almost guaranteed that you hold a special place in your heart for the magic of Cadbury’s chocolate. It brought us so many childhood classics from Crunchie to Wispa and everything in between. So we definitely felt some sadness when the company was taken over by NWO-style food conglomerate Kraft foods in 2010. It wasn’t the fact that the choco wasn’t manufactured in the UK that got to us, but rather that the recipe was destined to change.

Cadbury Goes Mental

Kale creme – a flavour nobody asked for

Over the past few years, we’ve had reports from family and friends about how the flavour has changed irrevocably. We can’t say we’ve noticed that much of a difference. We’re still chomping on Chomps and seeing stars every time we get hands-on with a Starbar.

But there is one Cadbury’s offering that we feel has gotten worse. And it’s not to do with the recipe. Actually it’s because it depresses us by association. The fact of the matter is that Milk Tray is the staple of the unromantic. Who buys it for anyone else if they have the option not to? It’s a desperate plea for forgiveness that was conjured up at a service station on the M25 after an extra marital affair. It’s a declaration of love from your high school sweetheart who is on a zero-hours contract at Sports Direct. It’s grim.

Milk Tray Blues

I don’t think you’re ready for this beetroot jelly

And it’s 100 years old this year. 100 years of doom and gloom. It’s basically the black plague, but more chocolatey. To commemorate the anniversary, the unromantic nutters at Mondelez (the subsidary of Kraft foods that owns Cadbury now) have decided to get inventive with the flavour pairings. Don’t get your hopes up. The flavours include a wasabi crunch, a beetroot jelly and a kale mousse gut bomb thing. Yep, they all sound grotesque.

The reasoning behind the new flavours is that British palates are becoming more adventurous – what with Sharia law and that – so people can stomach some more ‘foreign’ stuff. Apparently superfoods are still a trend. Still. Despite the term not really meaning all that much. I just genuinely have no idea why anyone would want kale in their chocolate. It’s oxymoronic. No, just moronic.

Also, the press release from Cadbury about these flavours was so cringeworthy it’s untrue. They spoke, repeatedly, about how adventurous they’ve become. How creative. But, come on, just make good chocolate that rots our teeth and sensibilities. We want you to be Cadbury, not Willy frickin’ Wonka.