postcards of the hanging

Tag: football kits

In a few hours, finally, the football is back. I know you are thinking that only five minutes ago we had Euro 2016 and yes, sure, and of course the Olympics is going on, and right, ok if you can get past all the swimming and gymnastics, sure there is technically some football going on, but tomorrow the Premier League starts a new seson, Spurs will be back, and all will be well again. Last season was so fun. Leicester winning the league, Spurs having a blast, Mourinho getting sacked, Villa finally going down, it was a Rollercoaster within a Helter Skelter within a, er, Ghost Train? Waltzers? This season the Big Boys are hoping to be back – United have Mourinho (didn’t he, last season, er..), City have Guardiola, Chelsea have Conte, there’s Zlatan, Pogba, and of course Arsenal have bought…er… This whole silly soap opera of the Premier League is back and I love it. I’m so cynical about everything else in the world (seriously, how many swimming events are there at the Olympics, does Phelps get extra gold medals just for taking a shower afterwards?) but for this I am as excited as I was when I was ten, and of course what I love the most are all the new kits. And so as is now becoming tradition here is the first of three posts going over the new outfits for the season, along with, I dunno, a prediction based on nothing whatsoever. For those of you who enjoy reading about football kits / soccer uniforms, read on! For those who don’t… I’ll be back posting my sketches from Manchester tomorrow. All of these kits were drawn by me in old-school MS Paint, and are presented in the order they came in last year’s Premier League. I’ll try to keep it brief.

PREMIER LEAGUE PART ONE: THE TRULY MAGNIFICENT SEVEN

LEICESTER CITY:Last season I predicted that Leicester would be champions. No, no I didn’t. I said they’d either go down (sad Lineker face) or stay up (happy Lineker face). Lineker himself promised to present Match of the Day in his underpants if the Foxes won the League. They only went and did it. Everyone loves Ranieri. Vardy couldn’t stop scoring. Mahrez tore teams apart. They surely can’t do it again, can they, but…you can’t rule out Vardy and the Foxes. Their kits this year are in Leicester’s typically straightforward, nothing silly fashion. The subtle pattern on the shirt is similar to Slovakia’s in the Euros, but otherwise is smart and classy. They ARE the champions.

ARSENAL: In case you were not aware, Arsenal came second last year. Nobody is quite sure how that happened, but it did, and Spurs came third. I was annoyed because Spurs haven’t come above Arsenal for about twenty years, and it came at the end of a season when Spurs were generally mercurial and Arsenal were generally stale, but the table doesn’t lie. I think the impression I got from the players is, 2nd and 3rd, who cares – it’s not 1st, and both go straight into the Champions League, so it’s practically the same – let’s get ready for the Euros. Anyway Arsenal’s kit – the home kit’s collar is a throwback to the team of 92-93, remember Tony Adams dropping Steve Morrow? They won a couple of cups that season, and looking at the table that year, oh, they came two places below Spurs. Away kits are pretty nice. Prediction: Wenger’s final year, but they won’t win it. Maybe.

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR: If you have ever followed me on Twitter, you will be well aware this is my team. Last season was epic, albeit ending on a down note, but a year ago if anyone said “Spurs will come third” I would have bitten their hand off and thrown away the key. Kane, Alli, Lloris, Alderweireld, Dier, we were so much fun to watch. Spurs will be in the Champions League this year but playing at Wembley, as part of White Hart Lane is already gone, with the rest being demolished at the end of the season. We move into the new ground, being built over part of the current one, in 18-19. This year’s prediction…third would be a very big achievement again, to be fair – we have enough to go all the way, we have a pretty sharp and solid team, bolstered with new boy Jansson, but those billionaire Big Boys want their cake back. Our kits are absolutely lovely. I have so enjoyed the Under Armour years. The home kit is superb, but the away kits are classics. I have the third kit, my son has the second kit. We kick off tomorrow away at Everton. Come on you Spurs!

MANCHESTER CITY:City have a new manager in Pep Guardiola, who has long been coveted by England and finally graces us with his tiki-taka. Being at a club funded by billionaires should make the transition from the biggest club in Germany and one of the two biggest in Spain that bit easier for him, though England is slightly more competitive, and he won’t necessarily walk it. City have a very strong squad though, which probably just needs a bit of managerial know-how. So their kit is ok, the shirt is stylish in that Vapor template Nike really loves, but there go Nike with those different colour socks gimmick they are beating the hell out of this year. The away kit takes that catchphrase even further with unusually wild yellow socks. Verdict? They will get better than fourth, but might not win it.

MANCHESTER UNITED: United sacked Van Gaal, and brought in Jose Mourinho. Not content with one massive ego they bought Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who makes sure he is at a club that will win titles every year (I’m surprised Zlatan didn’t sign for Michael Phelps). Then they spent just under a hundred million quid on Paul Pogba, who they let go a few years before. They really really want to win the league again, and sure, they might be in a position to now…but do you remember Chelsea sacking Jose last year? So their kits. The home shirt is bizarre, having two halves of different reds, with a honeycomb border down the middle (I now know that this is because the bee is the symbol of Manchester, hence the honeycombs). The pattern comes up again on the sleeves of their third kit. The second kit is nice; my image doesn’t do the blue pattern much justice, but it’s a nice shade, and I like a United away kit in that sort of blue. Will they win the league? Probably, or maybe not – they have the Europa League to worry about first…

SOUTHAMPTON: Ronald Koeman has left, but the Saints have been a decent team the past few years so I expect that to continue. Actually I don’t know. I do know that I love their kit. Under Armour have taken over and this home kit is an unusual design, but it feels like the sort of thing Southampton would do. Even the sponsor works well. Their away kit of grey and dark grey is a little less inspired but looks alright. I bet you anything they get a third kit before the year is out. Where will they finish up this year? Top ten, I reckon. I don’t know. I think when you get to this part of the table you kind of stop caring. They might make Europa League, or they might not. I’m not making for a good pundit, am I.

WEST HAM UNITED: The Hammers left the Boleyn Ground last season as you probably heard, and have moved into the Olympic Stadium in Stratford. That will be an interesting change for them. Their kit is standard claret top with blue arms stuff, nothing fancy. The special commemorative third kit, which is not an all black kit but very very very dark blue, refers to their founding as Thames Ironworks FC (TIWFC), who wore dark blue and one time had a British flag on their chest. West Ham have simplified their badge to just show the crossed hammers once more. Also they have added the word “London” to the badge in case people don’t know which city West Ham is in. Other London clubs have yet to catch on to this, causing massive confusion among the tourists. I doubt it will be a classic first season at Stratford, but a healthy mid-table should do it.

Okay then! If you got this far and found it vaguely interesting then you are in luck, part two will come in the next couple of weeks with part three following after that. In the meantime, back to the urban sketches…

The third and final kit review of the Euros. I should have done one for the Copa America too (Columbia’s home kit is now white?) but it took me a little by surprise. We are at the end of the Group Stages now and the worst teams are starting to pack up and go home, while the teams coming third in their groups are waiting to see whether they will be one of the four best-placed third-placed teams out of six, causing heads to implode trying to figure out the permutations and arrangements. Albania for example might yet go home if other teams are deemed to have done better. In the case of teams having identical records, it goes down to goals scored, goals against, coefficient, length of beards, number of supporters arrested (outside the ground against inside the ground), and if they are still tied after all of that then Cristiano Ronaldo gets to judge how much of a “big country” or “small country” mentality a team has. It’s a complicated system. I still think it should all come down to kit design. On that note, let’s crack on with the final two groups: E and F.

GROUP E

REPUBLIC OF IRELAND

My team. Well, them and Northern Ireland. And England I suppose, though I’ve a soft spot for Wales, etc. Gone are the days however when I knew the names of all the players – Tony Cascarino, John Aldridge, Pat Bonner, Ray Houghton, you know, Phil Babb, all those guys. Now, I know Robbie Keane, and all the other guys. The same to be honest can be said of any team, international or club, except of course for Spurs, even though I watch football all the time, read football magazines and collect football sticker albums. “I Am Forty”. I do have a lot of Ireland shirts though, dating back to the USA 94 kit (the special jersey my mum got me commemorating Ireland beating England in 1988 doesn’t really count, I doesn’t fit any more too). My favourite is the last one, more of an old rugby shirt style, and this new one does something similar, but is a little less to my liking, although the orange trim is quite tastefully minimal. It’s still a much nicer shirt than, for example, the Northern Ireland home shirt. The away is alright, the little stripes on the arm look like something someone suggested and then looked at it afterwards and said, “meh, but who cares”. Now the Irish started well, being unlucky to only get a draw out of the Sweden game, but they got utterly tonked by Belgium. Yeah, we may not beat Italy in the last game but you never know. I still have a t-shirt celebrating “beating Italian ass on American grass” in 1994. Come on Ireland!

ITALY

Italy have started well, couple of decent wins. They defend well, have a good manager in Conte (Chelsea-bound), and the best national anthem of all, probably. The kit is decent as well, simple effort, unfussy (they like the word ‘fussy’ these football kit describers, “it’s a bit of a fussy design” they say, to make themselves sound like real fashion and design afficionados) (I like “unfussy” because it’s not really a word; well it wasn’t, but I suppose it is now). Italy don’t have the superstars of old (well, they still do, like Buffon, but they are actually old) (Buffon by the way, the legendary goalkeeper, is my man-crush, he’s a handsome chap is Gigi). I like Italy but I need to explore a bit more of it, I’ve been to Venice three times but that’s really it. On the third time in Venice, I got engaged to my wife. Happy memories! Italy – the Azzurri – wear blue because that was the colour of the royal house of Savoy, and boy do they wear it well. The traditional white away kit has the Italian flag running down the middle.

SWEDEN

Sweden is all about Zlatan. It shouldn’t be, but it is. He rolls around the pitch being a genius looking frustrated that the rest of his team aren’t all Zlatans, but if the were all Zlatans then he would not be Zlatan. Zlatan has what you might describe as a rather large ego. In fact it’s better to just zlatan the way Zlatan does. This zlatan is the latest zlatan to come from Zlatidas and features three zlatans down the zlatan and a slightly more zlatan shade of zlatan. The away zlatan is zlataning, with its zlatanesque zlatans. In the first zlatan, Zlatan were zlatan to get a zlatan against the Republic of Zlatan who I felt zlataned the whole zlatan, though Zlatan did zlatan the zlatan the zlataned the Zlat defender to zlatan an own-zlatan. Ok Zlat’s enough of Zlat. I do like an Adidas Sweden kit, thinking back to the great Swedish side of the early 90s (or “BZ” as Zlatstorians prefer to number those years), Tomas Brolin and co. This one is lovely. Shame you won’t see much more of it this summer.

BELGIUM

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. This is my favourite kit of the Euros. I have a soft spot for Belgium having lived there for a year back in 1999-2000 (I lived right across the street from the stadium in Charleroi where England played Germany, remember that one, fans of chair-throwing and water-cannons? I’ve wanted a Belgian shirt for a long time and they have had so many duffers (those Burrda ones for example) but I think I will stump for this one. The yellow is a more day-glo shade and the black on the chest really offsets that red. I can imagine wearing this while wandering the streets of Brussels with a sketchbook. The away shirt is nice too, reminds me of a cycling jersey, since the sport of cycling is very popular in Belgium. That year I spent there was very formative in many ways for me, though I could have been more creative with my time, I felt I didn’t get a lot done. I had a guitar and wrote some songs, I did a lot of personal writing but very little concrete stuff of substance, I drew a little bit but not that much, and I didn’t know many people so would just go to the chip shop and then to the local pub with the other locals, but looking back I think all of this was a life-long inspiration of as-yet-unformed ideas. Maybe I was just lazy. I would go up to Brussels and spend the whole day going around the city on the streetcar reading novels, then go to see a movie, go for a beer, and get lost on the Belgian train system trying to get home. And then there is the rain, the endless, constant rain. I think of all of this when I see that Belgian football badge, and I’m glad I got to know the place for that one year. As for the football team, I like them because they have a few of the best Spurs players on the team, though I’m not a fan of their goalie Thibault Courtois, because he a) plays for Chelsea and b) looks like the Republican speaker Paul Ryan.

GROUP F

AUSTRIA

Okay, I am drifting in these reviews a little, lets get back to the kits. Austria have a standard enough Puma kit, which is red because a few years ago when they co-hosted the Euros with Switzerland, who also wear red Puma kits. Austria used to wear white withblack shorts, so when they turned up to the party wearing EXACTLY THE SAME BLOODY CLOTHES AS SWITZERLAND, the Swiss just facepalmed at their neighbours, oh you are so embarrassing. Oh right, next you are going to copy the whole mountains, watches and cuckoo clocks thing too aren’t you. Well this time, they still wear red but their away kit looks decidedly more like traditional Austria (which was itself, er, very similar to Germany). I first went to Austria in 1991 with my German class from school, spending two weeks with a family in Vorarlberg. When I was a kid I had a pen-pal from Vienna, and was always so impressed at Austrian handwriting. European handwriting is generally much nicer looking than messy English handwriting; French might be the best, but I like German too. Here I go again, talking about handwriting, completely unrelated to the football shirts. Let’s hope these Puma kits don’t rip easily like the Swiss ones in that game against France – four of the shirts had massive holes torn into them, prompting hilarious jokes about Swiss Cheese. Austria had been quietly fancied before these Euros, but it looks like they will be dropping out very soon.

HUNGARY

Right, so Austria vs Hungary conjured up images of the old Habsburg Empire, and it was all, oh yeah. Back in the 1920s Austria had the ‘Wunderteam’ (which roughly means “wonder team”), but in the 1950s, Hungary truly were the wonder team. How they managed to not win the World Cup in 1954 is a mystery matched by Holland not winning it in 1974 or 1978. The team of Puskas, the Mighty Magyars, famously destroyed England at Wembley in 1953, dubbed the Match of the Century. They will always have a legendary history. In modern times Hungary have been decidedly more shit. Come on, they have. Which is why it’s so exciting that they are back in the big time now, and they’ve done alright so far, beating Austria, and managing a draw with, er, Iceland. The kit, classic colour combo, and an Adidas template which is two years old (tsk, living in the past). I had some great Hungarian friends when I was younger, back in London. Another friend of mine (who is English and an actor) goes to Budapest several times a year, as it’s a common place for TV and film production.

ICELAND

Now this really is a surprise. Iceland? The land of actual ice? They qualified ahead of the Netherlands. Holland! The Dutch! Iceland are I suppose our substitute for not having Scotland there, it’s kind of close enough. They have a fairly recent history of football, and some famed Icelanders have become Premier League stars (Eidur Gudjohnson, Gylfi Sigurdsson). Everyone loves Iceland (except Cristiano Ronaldo). Of course, I’ve liked them since they were called Bejam. Alright you won’t get that one if you’re not British. Basically there is a chain of food stores, predominantly frozen food, and they also sell fridges and freezers, and they are called Iceland; well they used to be called Bejam before changing their name. It was a bit like Snickers used to be Marathon. I actually spent a day delivering fridge-freezers for Iceland with my brother-in-law around Hampshire a couple of decades ago. None of this is relevant of course. The kit here is made by Italian company Errea, I always like their designs though this one is kind of okay. In years to come it will be an Icelandic classic. Will Iceland go through to round two? Probably. I hope so. Their away kit is very similar to the one worn by the Allied POW team from Escape to Victory. I hope their goalkeeper is better than Sylvester Stallone.

PORTUGAL

This is the age of the one-superstar-dominating-the-team. When I say that I don’t mean the 2010s, I mean the past century or so. For Sweden it is now Zlatan. For Portugal, who have always had a lot of great players, the main man is, well you know who it is. He has a great freekick record at major tournaments – 36 taken, none scored.He added to this in the recent 0-0 against Austria, even missing a penalty to boot. I imagine he is the sort of person to invite his friends over to watch him play video games, declining to let them actually play because it wouldn’t be fair, he’d just win against them. But whenever Messi calls and asks for a quick round of MarioKart he always pretends to be washing his hair (haha, “pretends”). Portugal won’t win it; maybe after he retires.The kit is alright, another Nike Vapor template, with the different colour socks thing Nike are playing with like they bloody invented it. The away kit is a garishly ugly greeny-teal colour I just can’t understand. Ok fine it’s “interesting”. It was probably his idea, you-know-who. No not Voldemort. I went to Portugal in 2011 for the urban sketching symposium and had a lovely time in Lisbon, eating sardines and drawing fire hydrants.

And that is all you get. This was possibly the most rambly post I have ever done so if you have made it this far, thanks for just scrolling to the end, now go back and actually read it properly please. There will be a test later. Anyway, back to the actual footy.

Have you been enjoying the Euros? I don’t mean the currency, the “Euro”, though if you have been enjoying those then good on you. I remember the changeover, I was living in France at the time, when it seemed like every other Franc was a counterfeit, the switch to the Euro was pretty welcome. Fourteen years on, and I live in America and don’t care. For the record I do care really, but I want to talk about the football, not European Single Currency (remember when they used to use that term? Hey, remember the “Ecu”? Again, not relevant, I’ll get back to the footy.) The Euro 2016 tournament is over a week old and already teams are out. Well Romania is for sure, having lost today to Albania. France drew with the Swiss and wore a different white away kit than the one they sell in the shops, the one I drew in my last post about the Euro 2016 kits, which had a red arm and a blue arm. Apparently UEFA didn’t like that, too confusing for their referees, so they wore something else. Still a France kit, still a Nike kit; I wish they had gone with green and white stripes like when they had to change into a local club’s teamwear during the 1978 World Cup in Argentina. I was two and didn’t even see it but still remember it to this day. So without further ado, here is the second of three posts where I tell you about the football shirts of Euro 2016. So you know, I’ve been doing some normal non-soccer-jersey-related urban sketching as well, as I spent a week vacationing down in San Diego, and will scan and post those soon.

GROUP C

GERMANY

Whenever there is a major football tournament, you usually start out by giving the trophy to Germany by default and then coming up with compelling reasons why they shouldn’t win it. If you can’t think of any, Germany get the trophy. That’s how football actually works. Gary Lineker famously said that football was “a simple game: twenty-two men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans always win.” I’m pretty sure he meant 120 minutes plus penalties. Will they win Euro 2016? Ich weiss nicht. However, the kit is CLASSIC GERMANY, none of the nonsense white shorts and red chevrons seen in the last World Cup. Simple, except for the stupid big gold World Cup shield in the middle (FIFA, is there a more tasteful way of saying “We Are The Champions, Mein Freund?”). It looks lovely and if they won in this kit they’d deserve it. Right. The away kit. Ach du lieber Gott, was ist das? Ok I like Germany to have a green away kit, tradition. But this thing is just nonsense. The dummkopfest thing about it? It is reversible. Ah, that’s brilliant I hear you say, wunderbar, but the inside is lime green and meant to resemble a training pinny. Just, why? That idea is just the wurst.

POLAND

Remember the last Euros, held jointly in Poland and Ukraine? Poland didn’t do so well. They went out in Round 1. They don’t have the pressure of being the hosts this time so might do better. So far they have drawn with Germany, and narrowly beaten Northern Ireland. Also this time you can come third and still get through so they are probably ok. They do have a superstar striker in Robert Lewandowski who is destined to be like all the other star strikers in these Euros and score nothing at all. The kit is a basic Nike template (“Vapor” as Nike calls it; “Vapid” would be more appropriate) though if you look very closely you can see little curvy lines meant to represent historical Polish Winged Hussars, because obviously. Nike shirts by the way are made from 16 recycled plastic bottles, because of course. That will be $90 please. The away kit is just like the home kit but red. I’ve been to Poland, Krakow to be precise. Some skinheads stole my glasses (I got them back though). I’d like to go and sketch Gdansk some day.

UKRAINE

Remember the last Euros, held jointly in Poland and Ukraine? Ukraine did marginally better than Poland but still went out in Round One. Their kit had a nice traditional Ukrainian pattern on it. This time is features a strange yellow plaid pattern that I assume is a tribute to Rupert Bear’s yellow tartan trousers. Rupert (I’m guessing) is probably hugely popular in Ukraine along with his friends Bill Badger and that elephant one I always forget. Edward Trunk, that’s it. I used to get the Rupert annual every Christmas, I loved Rupert. I even loved the Frog Song by Paul McCartney, I watched that video over and over when I was 9. I hope they play that at one of Ukraine’s games, “We all…stand…together (bom bom!)” So far, Ukraine have been pretty awful, losing their first two games 2-0, being eliminated already. They still have to play one more game – against their old co-hosts Poland, who will probably be qualifying for the next round by then. They might roll out that blue kit for that game. The blue tartan kit by the way is I assume a tribute to the Scotland team, to be worn when going out of competitions early.

NORTHERN IRELAND

I’ve waited so long for this!!! Since Mexico 1986, to be precise, when I was ten. Since then I have of course followed the Republic’s rise in football stature; my family is from both sides of Ireland, so I root for them both, and I’m overjoyed that both made it to France 2016. Northern Ireland qualified in style, topping their group. As for the kit, well…I do like when Northern Ireland adds a bit of dark blue into their designs (a reminder of St.Patrick’s Blue, the original colours of the Irish national team back in the Olden Days) and it distinguishes them more from the kit of the Republic but this kit is, um, divisive. Not for any political reason, I mean it’s just not that good of a shirt design. When it came out petitions were formed to get it changed to something more reminiscent of the great ’82 and ’86 World Cup teams, but to no avail. You might think that strange band across the middle looks sort of stylish, but it isn’t. The team of course are not fashionable anyway, and they don’t mind that. The away kit is alright, something about a simple white Northern Irish shirt that has a classic feel to it; they have messed about with it a lot in recent years. They have won a game already though, beating Ukraine 2-0, and who knows – they may just get a result against the Germans. I certainly hope so!

GROUP D

CROATIA

I love Croatia’s unique home shirts, but this time they will very likely wear all blue in every game. So, UEFA, here is an idea. Tell teams to release their kits after the draw has been made for the Euros. Then, if any team is in a group with Croatia, they should refrain from having a red shirt when their home is white, or a white shirt when their home is red, but go for something that doesn’t clash with red and white shirts. Blue, or green, or black or yellow or turquoise (ahem, UEFA, Turkey did actually do that). That way, Croatia can actually wear their home kit without confusing your already confused referees. Because as a fan of Croatia’s unique home shirt design, made so famous in Euro 96 and World Cup 98, I want to see it on show. Okay, Euro 2012 they did wear it twice. Alright, they wore a lot it in the 2014 World Cup too. But in Euro 2008 it was blue only, and this time around it looks like the same will happen. The current iteration of the famous red and white chessboard is made to look like a flag flying in the breeze, which by the way Nike is really hard to draw in MS Paint, thanks for that, so I had to take the checkers and distort them in Photoshop. It’s not entirely accurate but you get the general idea. I’ve never been to Croatia, but it’s been on my list of Places I’ll Get To Eventually since I was a kid in the 80s, when my sister was a travel agent for Lunn Poly and I would read the “Yugotours” brochures at her work. “Why don’t Yugo someday?” I would say to anyway who would listen like it was the funniest thing in the world. Hey it was better than the Lunn Poly “Get Away!” adverts that used to be on TV all the time.

TURKEY

Turkey usually go for a nice safe kit design, a bit like Poland, not doing too much out of the ordinary, so when I saw this one it was like WHOAH BABY, what the? The home kit is red but with black diagonal criss-crossing lines that get thicker as they go down the shirt. Really quite difficult to pull off in MS Paint – I spent a very long time trying to do it – so in the end just took the pattern into Photoshop and added a gradient over the top, before bringing it back into Paint. Black shorts and socks! Albania are looking at this and doing the Muttley grumble, “rinkumshinkunrurkey!” It looks damn fine. And then there is the away kit! Same design but white and turquoise, with for some reason red socks. It’s pretty lovely, very calming. So the Turkey team, will they do well? Probably not. They have lost their first two games and will probably not stick around much longer. Shame, because if it comes to a tie-breaker and kit design is a deciding factor, I reckon they’d do alright. Also they are looking good for the beardiest team of the tournament (though Joe Ledley of Wales is winning that particular honour all by himself). I should do a guide to facial hair of Euro 2016, and then another dedicated to players’ actual barnets too. If any of you have the Panini sticker album, check out the obviously-some-sort-of-disguise of Olkay Sahan. Definitely expect him to pull that off at some point in a game, whip out a microphone and turn into the ghost of Jeremy Beadle, strolling about the pitch.

CZECH REPUBLIC

I like it when the Czechs have red shirts, white shorts and blue socks. But oh no, they had to do an all-red number, and have weird pointy-down chevron things splashing down the middle pointing down at their shorts for some completely innocent reason. Well, there are no other kits quite like it in these Euros, so that’s something. The away kit is standard Puma fare, white with that blue that was missing from the home kit. Yawn. I’ve been the the Czech Republic twice, just to Prague, both in my early 20s which involved a lot of cheap beer (“pivo”) and a few cheap hostels too. Me and my mate Tel went there for the best part of a fortnight. I wanted to look at old buildings and bridges; he wanted to look for video stores. We took the old overnight Eurolines bus there and back, this was right before cheap airlines really took off. I still have a small mug that I bought there with a little drawing of a man lying down being all happy and stuff. The naivety of youth.

SPAIN

And finally, from one set of favourites Germany to the other set, Spain, reigning European champions, and looking for a three-in-a-row victory. In the last World Cup Spain had a horrifying all-red kit which thankfully led to them being knocked out early before it could do more damage to my sensitive disposition, but this time they are back with what I must say is one of their best ever kit designs. Red with yellow trim (Adidas stripes under the arms this time, I like it), proper blue shorts, and black socks (well, very very very dark blue). As it should be. I am happy. Adidas, you are knocking it out of the park this year. And then there is the away kit…I sense the room go quiet, people pausing at their drinks and looking over nervously, and I slowly start to smile, and nod my approval, and the whole room erupts in celebration. What a crazy and beautiful kit! All those triangles, all those bits of yellow and red, it looks a bit like one they had 20-odd years ago but put into a blender. I love it. I enjoyed making this one. I was ten when I first went to Spain on a family holiday. It was to Ibiza, the Mexico 86 World Cup was on, I remember going by myself to a local restaurant (while my family were either at the pool or a nearby pub, the Snooty Fox I believe it was called) to watch a game and eat beans on toast. As for the team, they have started in style, qualifying for the second phase after two wins. Spain are back!

And that is that. Join me again when I show you the kits of Groups E and F, the final groups, and in the meantime enjoy the rest of the Euros, while they last. The football tournament, that is, not the currency. Though if you enjoy the currency, do enjoy that while it lasts as well.

Euro 2016 has begun! While the British hold a referendum on whether to leave Europe (‘Brexit’ is such a stupid contraction by the way, and concept too), most of its constituent countries (except for, er, Scotland) are going to be spending the next few weeks trying to stay in. For those who aren’t aware, the European Football Championships are taking place in France as of today. I love it. We already have our Panini sticker album, I’ve made a wallchart, my son and I have made paper mosaic flags and hung them up on the wall, and now it’s time for me to start looking at the kits. I’ll do this over the tournament, but post them by group – A and B first, then, yeah. You might remember I did a similar thing for the last World Cup. All of these are made with old-school MS Paint, except for those with complicated gradients, where I’ve used Photoshop to create it and exported it into Paint. MS Paint is still awesome. And so let’s begin! Disclaimer: this is a fairly long and wordy post that makes little to no reference to the actual football and is of no interest whatsoever.

GROUP A

FRANCE

The host nation. My tip to win it (sorry France, you won’t win it now, I’m never right). I have the last French shirt, I wear it all the time, and this one is nice enough, but nothing special. Two shades of blue, and then for some reason, blue shorts instead of white. Come on UEFA. The away kit looks nice but those different colour arms will look a bit annoying after a while. So France, I lived there for a year, and back then they were the world champions (they never ever mentioned it ever, never came up), but I’ve got a lot of love for France. I met my wife there. I remember watching the 98 World Cup there, particularly the Brazil-Holland semi-final in the Place de l’Hotel de Ville. I read “France Football” (or used to when I could get it). Strasbourg is one of my favourite cities in the world. I had a nice few days there last summer with the French Urban Sketchers. I speak French, albeit terribly badly. For all my French friends, for all the stuff France has dealt with these past couple of years, I hope they win it. Well if Ireland don’t, or Northern Ireland. Or Wales. Belgium would be nice too. England too I suppose. But otherwise, Johnny Halliday, “Allez les Bleus!”

ALBANIA

Albania, sorry I don’t know how they got in here, of course Albania aren’t playing at the Euros. What? They are? Albania? Yes, it’s true. And Iceland, and Wales, and all these other teams who you don’t normally see at these tournaments (like Scotland, no hang on). Good luck to them, they have a few good players, like that one guy, who plays for, you know, that team. I remember Celtic had an Albanian player years ago. I don’t know any Albanian players I’m afraid, except that one who plays for Switzerland. Anyway…the kit (and they have three, one for each match they’ll play probably), it’s pretty smart, has a graphic meant to resemble the two-headed eagle. I met a woman from Albania once many years ago in a pub, “oh you’re from Albania, ah right. I met a waiter at a restaurant from there once.” That was pretty much the entire conversation. I know one word in Albanian, which I cannot pronounce, which means hello I think.

ROMANIA

The all-yellow of Romania, that was so exciting back in USA 94 wasn’t it, the years of Hagi, they were great in the 90s. They switched to red shirts for a while, but are back in the all yellow now which for me is their thing. Joma do a nice kit too, they make this year’s Sampdoria shirt that I own. How will Romania do? No idea. To be honest I’ve not really followed international football lately, I don’t even like it. I like the kits. I like talking about the kits, rather, or how I don’t like the kits. They have Chiriches who was utterly useless for Spurs but is supposed to be decent (sorry Vlad). I’ve never been to Romania but my mum worked with a Romanian guy when I was a kid, Ovidio, had who escaped Ceaucescu.

SWITZERLAND

Switzerland are always decent, they have a lot of handy players and while they won’t win it, they might do alright. I like Switzerland the country, been there a few times when I was a younger man, and I love their chocolate. Remember when the current England manager Roy Hodgson used to manage them? My favourite Swiss manager was Christian Gross, who was utterly useless for Spurs (sorry Christian) back when we had a Swiss defender called Ramon Vega, also utterly useless for Spurs (sorry Ramon) (though he got a fair few goals). Right, sorry, the kits. Nice enough but looks like Arsenal. Away kit is nice though people might think they are ambulances. Hey, once I went to St. Gallen in Switzerland, to the Abbey library, and read the ‘Abrogans’, an original 1200 year old manuscript which is actually the oldest thing in the German language. I held it in my hands. As they say, “Dude”.

GROUP B

ENGLAND

Let’s get this out of the way – I actually like the shirt. Everything is a bit wrong with this kit, but the shirt by itself, actually one of the nicest ones they’ve had lately. I know, you’re thinking, “you know nothing Jon Snow”. But even with those unnecessary little blue stripes it looks…fine. The white shorts though I don’t like, and red socks, just go home Nike, you’re drunk. Same with the all red away except socks, which is just wrong. Brimming in wrongability. England, I’ve been there yes, well I was born there, spent most of the first 30 years of my life there, go back every year, sometimes more than once. My family are all there. I speak English, better than I speak any other language. I like their chocolate too. But this year, some of Spurs’s amazing and totally opposite of useless are in the team – Kane, Alli, Dier, Rose, Walker. So for those guys, Pete’s heroes, I hope they do well. Just get some blue shorts, dammit!

RUSSIA

Russia. From Russia with Love. Home kit is dark red and gold, meant to be like the old Soviet kits, while the away kit is like Russian kits from the 90s and 00s. Also, Adidas, can I just say thank you for starting to put the stripes down the sides instead of the shoulders and sleeves? Classy move. They have done it before, but I like it. The three stripe shoulder motif was getting so boring, it needs cupboarding for a while. Right, Russia. Are they any good? I literally have no idea. They will want to do well before their World Cup in two years though. They won’t win the cup though.

SLOVAKIA

I went to Slovakia in 1998 for literally an hour. It wasn’t a layover, I actually went to visit. I was in Vienna, and took a quick train to Bratislava. I say quick, the train stopped at the border and you had to get a bus. It was hot, sticky, and I really didn’t see much when I got there. The bus took so long that I didn’t have time to go and explore, and was a bit afraid of getting lost. I changed up 10 Deutschmarks – about $5 – and got back a wad of notes so big I could have wallpapered a shed. I bought a bar of chocolate which melted away upon contact, looked at my watch, and had to jump back on the bus to Vienna, completely confused. One day I will go back, as I know it is very pretty, but I’ll need more than an hour. As for the Slovakian kit, meh. One of those boring Puma all white templates with the Puma sign in the middle. The away kit at least has some vaguely interesting details.

WALES

I’M SO EXCITED ABOUT WALES!!!!! Honestly, I’ve waited years for the Welsh to get to a major tournament. All those great legends from the past, Giggs, Rush, Speed, Elvis Criddlington (ok maybe not him), all missed out, but now…BALE. I’m so stoked for Bale’s success post-Spurs and would love it, just love it if he took the Welsh all the way in this tournament. I have no personal connection to Wales, no Welsh family, I have never been there and have only met a few Welsh people in my life but it’s Wales dude! As Ali G famously said, Wales is only 400 miles from England. Actually I had a history teacher when I was 17 who was Welsh but he left teaching to become a pop star with his Welsh-language band called, er, “Ian Rush”. This is not made up.Their kit is an old school Adidas outfit like what they would have worn in the early 80s when Rushie was the goal monster, while the away kit is HOLY TOM JONES grey and dark grey with lime green trim? Dear UEFA, and your love of all-white away kits, Wales are in town now and they will do what they like. I cannot wait.

A few weeks into the footy season now (I will go back and add the new third kits to parts one and two…), cynicism and apathy are creeping back in, but we continue our look at the 2015-16 Premier League with the last teams in the division.

PREMIER LEAGUE KITS: PART THREE, THE ‘LAST SIX, PLUS ONE’

NEWCASTLE UNITED

Newcastle have been very unloved lately, even by their own fans. It’s the owner. The past couple of seasons it has seemed they were trying to create the most apathetic team in history (though overpaid apathy is all too common in modern football). This un-Newcastle-ness has been spreading into the kits, with the much-hated Wonga sponsorship, and this season’s home kit, which features far too much blue. The famous black stripes actually turn blue as they move south, and the reverse of the short is plain white with blue accents, no magpie black at all. I don’t mind a blue trim on Newcastle (think the blue star, or their Asics kits from 1993) but this feels like too much. I’d love for Newcastle to get a different owner and come back with a massive roar, but it isn’t going to happen in this kit. The white away kit is handy if they face any teams who play at home in black (which is exactly none) while the third kit features half a salmon pink sash.

SUNDERLAND

Both Tyne/Wear teams are in the Premier League, what a joyous time to support a club in the northeast oh never mind. Sunderland were pretty pitiful last year (how on earth did they and Newcastle both stay up?) and so far this season have looked deeply uninterested to the point where the manager Dick Advocaat said all the players are for sale. I have to say though, their home kit is pretty snappy this season. Wider stripes look good on Sunderland (though I’d love a return to the super-thin 80s stripes), and it is a smart cut. The away kit is green, green and green. Green is very popular for an change colour this year. By the way, I think both Newcastle and Sunderland will stay up again, because no matter how little they try, there’s always someone a bit more rubbish.

ASTON VILLA

Which brings us on to Aston Villa, who are always a bit more rubbish. Yet paradoxically, no matter how awful they are, they never seem to get relegated, ever. Sherwood arrived to fire them up last season and they stayed alive, but already this year they look like they will run out of ideas fast (they’re above Spurs at the time of writing though…). Their kit supplier, however, will not. I like Macron kits, they’re always a bit more original, and Villa’s kit is sweet, with a collar reminiscent of the 1970s. The away kit is clean, and I’m always a fan of Villa’s yellow away kits (I like most yellow away kits, in fact) (did you know, for example, that Tottenham’s yellow change kit tradition stems from the fact that they had to ditch their usual navy kits when the it was deemed too close to the black shirts of referees? It’s why black kits were so rare until the Premier League era, when refs started wearing green, followed by other colours; Man United started the modern black kit trend in the English top flight in 1993-94, and many, many others followed, while yellow kits have been seen more rarely, only once every few years now at Spurs). Villa’s traditional away colour, incidentally, is white.

BOURNEMOUTH

Oh sorry, I was doing Premier League clubs, I’ll get rid of this one.

What? Bournemouth are in the Premier League? BOURNEMOUTH? How did this happen? Well, they damn well earned it, that’s how. Eddie Howe, in fact, their brilliant young manager, created a free-scoring team that topped what was a very difficult Championship (what a season last year was! More interesting than the Premier League by a long way). I hope they do well, and hope they stay up. We’ve had some teams that joined the Premier League over the years that were pretty gobsmacking additions but did reasonably well for a while (Fulham, Barnsley, Wigan, Reading, Swansea) (by the way, how good are Swansea this year?!) but none have suprised me as much as Bournemouth. Ok, enough gushing, their residents have to be in bed early. The kits are nice, black and red stripes being the Cherries’ modern tradition since the 90s (though they had them for a while in the 70s), and there’s the Mansion sponsor again. The blue away kit is alright, while the pink will really stand out – less Cherry, more Strawberry Milkshake.

WATFORD

I remember when John Barnes was young, Graham and Elton having so much fun, playing cup finals and wearing red shorts…I can only go so far with this. I’m so glad Watford are back in the Premier League. I grew up roughly halfway between Watford and Tottenham, so have always had an affinity for the Hornets not as a second team exactly, but because I’ve known a few Watford fans, and they are a lot nicer than Arsenal, Chelsea and QPR fans. So, they’re back, and yeah, it isn’t going to last, and they may go through a few managers, but they have a very nominative-deterministic home kit. They are the Hornets, you see. Oh and they have a red stag as their badge. Black shorts is the tradition, but I like red shorts on them, because it reminds me of the glory days of the 80s. The away kit is all black. They are also sponsored by a betting company – do you notice that more teams in the ‘lower half’ as it were have sponsorship by betting companies? I’m sure there’s no correlation, and betting companies don’t hold the game in its sway or anything. Newcastle are sponsored by loan sharks, while Villa are sponsored by accounting software, and Norwich by an insurance company. Money money money.

NORWICH CITY

I love Norwich, because I have family up there. but I also like their kits when they are made by Errea. Errea make smart designs in the Italian fashion, and this year’s Norwich kit is interesting, bringing more green in to make halves. IT uses up all the green and yellow at the cliub though surely…oh no, the away kit is green with yellow pinstripes. Ok, maybe the home kit feels more yellow, so this is sensible, you know, it will look good against Watford, or Sweden, but in the unlikely event of playing the Nantes team of 1995, they must have a third kit that is blue or white or OH WOW. Ok, um, the third kit is yellow and green. And gold? With black shorts. Right. Er…it does actually look fantastic. No seriously, I LOVE this kit. Norwich and Errea have done it again. This kit reminds me of the style worn in the 1870s by those early teams such as Wanderers or Royal Engineers, or later teams like Bradford Park Avenue.

…and an honourable mention for:

OXFORD UNITED (LEAGUE TWO)

Oxford aren’t in the Premier League, don’t worry. That would be as ridiculous as saying Bournemouth were in the Premier League! (Hang on…) But their kit this season gets an honourable mention because it harkens back to the mid 1980s, when Oxford were not only in the old First Division (hey kids, that’s what we used to call the Premier League) but were actually a pretty decent team, even winning the Milk Cup (hey kids, that’s what we used to call the, um, er, what is the League Cup called nowadays?) John Aldridge played for them, so did Ray Houghton, in fact you might say the Oxford of 1986 beat the Italy of 1994. Dean Saunders played for Oxford in the 80s too, and Malcolm Shotton, er, Trevor Hebbard, you know, the list goes on. This season’s home shirt is made in-house and resembles that 1985-86 kit, which was made by Umbro. They’ve been promoting it with an 80s-style Subbuteo theme. The red and black away kit is a throwback to an away kit worn in the mid 1990s when they got promoted from the old Division Two to the old Division One. Yeah, those past glories.

There will be another kit-related post soon, looking at some of the teams from around Europe. But fear not! Drawings of Legos and streets and buildings will be back soon…

Part two of my guide to the 2015-16 Premier League football kits. This is the middle section, the seven teams too good for relegation but not quite good enough to get into the Europa League, much to their relief. The exception was West Ham, who got into the Europa League as an ‘award’ for their Fair Play record, and they responded to this indignity by getting promptly knocked out last week by Astra Giurgiu, with a red card in the first leg and their angry manager Bilic getting sent to the stands. They won’t be giving us the Fair Play Award this year, they said, we’re not going to be tricked into the Europa League again. Astra Giurgiu indeed. But we are not here to talk obscure Romanian teams, we are here to talk about obscure English teams and, more specifically, their kits.

Alright, they’re not that obscure, but I live in America now and most teams are obscure who aren’t Barcelona or Manchester. Yes, I said ‘Manchester’. And so, here comes part two…

PREMIER LEAGUE KITS: PART TWO, THE ‘HAPPY-TO-BE-HERE SEVEN’

SWANSEA CITY

The Welsh club in white have been great since joining the Premier League a few years ago, playing nice football with the right attitude, and long may they stay up. They’ve worn adidas for a few years now, and in Real-Madrid-fashion have played with their trim colour a little bit. They have discarded the usual black trim this year for ‘copper’, which is a reference I presume to Swansea’s heritage in the copper industry and nothing to do with the police. The away kit, like Southampton’s, is a venture into garish green and dark blue. The template used is nice though, but the colours probably look better at a rave.

STOKE CITY

Stoke, like Liverpool, have switched to New Balance following the decision of Warrior Sports to stop making completely bonkers football kits and go back to Lacrosse or whatever they were doing before. I actually really liked Stoke’s Warrior shirt from last year though. The New Balance shirt is alright, run of the mill, while the away kit experiments with breaking its sash into pieces. Black and green. Green is back this year in a big way isn’t it? As for the team, they were pretty good last year under Mark Hughes, and I reckon they are going to press onwards and upwards. Stanley Matthews still plays for them, doesn’t he?

CRYSTAL PALACE

A couple of years ago I couldn’t wait for Palace to get back into the Premier League after so long away, another London club, one that I like, and a nice easy six points for Spurs, I thought. then they got Alan Pardew away from his Newcastle hell and they have been amazing, a team I don’t want us to play because we might well lose. Palace are a very decent team and I hope they can keep it up. Their kit this year, made by Macron (who make smart shirts), are of the classic variety, with the away kit being a nod to their old predominantly white shirts of the past. And they are sponsored by Mansion, too, who used to sponsor Tottenham. Looks better on a Palace shirt, and they are both references to types of big houses.

EVERTON

Everton and Umbro just makes sense to me. Last season their kit was the best in the division, and this season it is another tidy affair, with a collar reminiscent of the 1980s glory period. The shorts have an odd feature, a blue section at the top that makes it look as though a shirt is not tucked in. Other kits seem to have more going on at the top of the shorts or the bottom of the shirt this year, extra bands or unnecessary features. The away kit is nice, with grey bands on the arms. Classy Umbro as usual. Both kits were released by showing a picture of a baby dressed in the kit. O-kay. The third kit is a strange colour, another odd green, albeit more of an army green. The orange along with it reminds me of a bomber jacket. It was launched with a comic-style illustration, but it isn’t clear why. As for the team, well they aren’t going to do much this year, and will probably get worse. They’ll become Martinez’s Wigan, and will flirt with relegation all season before bravely, triumphantly just staying up, because Everton Don’t Go Down.

WEST HAM UNITED

This is West Ham’s last year at Upton Park (the Boleyn Ground, that is). Next year they will be Olympic Stadium residents (cheers, the taxpayer!). To commemorate their historic time at an entirely appropriate stadium before moving into an entirely inappropriate arena, the Hammers have turned to classic shirt manufacturer Umbro to recreate a generic classic shirt from their past (it seems like West Ham do this every single season). There’s no kit exactly like that one though so we’ll just say it’s generic ‘the past’. Similarly their away kit brings to mind one of their original kits worn either when they moved to Boleyn Ground or just before, but with tiny little diagonal pinstripes that weren’t there at the turn of the century. Ok, so West Ham have Slaven Bilic in charge, and on the field will want to round off their time at their home ground with a classic year, so expect them to come, I don’t know, tenth. They beat Arsenal on day one, but see above regarding the Europa League…

WEST BROMWICH ALBION

Last year Adidas decided West Brom didn’t need stripes any more (except those tiny pinstripes), and what followed were years of civil war, rebellion, strife, leaving thousands of lives ruined for ever. Actually that didn’t happen, one year later stripes were back (because there is no ‘forever’ in football shirts, except that West Ham will recreate ‘old’ shirts forever). West Brom have their classic stripes on front and back (wow, Adidas, you don’t do that any more), with a dark red trim which is a nod to their dark red away kit (which, by the way, has the classic “WBA” instead of a badge, just like, you guessed it, the Olden Days). West Brom (or WBA as I called them in the Olden Days) were good in the 80s, I always appreciated the tone of their blue stripes, and as a club are slightly eccentric, nicknamed the Baggies, with fans who do this weird ‘boing boing’ chant (at least they used to, when they could jump up and down in the terraces). I always assumed it was referring to their habit of bouncing up and down between the deivisions, which I’m afraid they will probably be doing again.

LEICESTER CITY

Leicester sacked Nigel Pearson, the hard man with a haircut like the eraser on a pencil, and brought in Claudio Ranieri, a familiar face in English football (the Italian “tinker-man” who was shuffled out of Chelsea in favour of Jose when the Russian money came pouring in). Leicester were relegation favourites for most of last year (despite having a very nice home kit) but pulled it out of the bag to finish mid-table (due to their very stylish home kit). This season’s kit is alright, a little gold v-neck added to the front of the collar, and shadow stripes in the blue. Blue shorts again after the more traditional white, but otherwise nice and safe. WHAT HAPPENED, FOOTBALL? WHERE ARE THE LOUD GARISH FUSSY KITS OF THE 90s? Leicester to be fair have never had loud garish kits. West Brom and their traditional stripes will do well to remember their kit from 92-94 which looked like a hand-drawn barcode. Leicester’s zaniest home outfit of recent times was probably the one worn by Lineker in the early 80s, because it had pinstripes, that’s it. How will Leicester do this year? Well, they’ll either stay up (happy Lineker face) or they will go down (sad Lineker face).

Join me next time for the bottom of the barrel, the three teams of narrowly avoided the drop and the three teams who have been promoted.

After a summer of boring friendlies, fun Fifa arrests and a pretty exciting Women’s World Cup, the Premier League is finally back this weekend and the football machine cranks into full gear. My team, Tottenham Hotspur, the Mighty Spurs (so called because we Might Be Good This Year, but we Might Not), play the Van Gaal led Manchester United in what is another dawn raid, as the kick-off is at 4:45am my time. That’s too early for me, but at least I can go back to bed afterwards. Anyway, you may recall from the 2014 World Cup I am a little obsessed with football kits (soccer uniforms, as some of you call them, “lol”). I made, if you remember, a definitive guide to all the kits of the World Cup with little illustrations in the old version of MS Paint. It was in three parts, which I’m calling Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3. I really liked doing that, and so I am revisiting the idea with a run-down of the Premier League kits for 2015-16, along with a few bonus Johnny Foreigner kits too. I really want that Sampdoria kit.

I wasn’t sure how to organize them at first. ‘Alphabetical’ seemed too boring, Chronological as to when the kits were released was pointless, and while ‘autobiographical’ seemed like the most ‘no f***ing way’ choice it was ultimately impossible, so I went for ‘placement in last year’s Premier League’. Without much further ado, we will start with the 2015 champions.

PREMIER LEAGUE KITS: PART ONE, THE ‘MAGNIFICENT SEVEN’

CHELSEA

Jose Mourinho’s team won the league quite comfortably in the end last year. That pleased Jose. Will they win it again this year? Probably. The new kit is slightly different this year, with a button up collar, and a very thin red and white trim. I like Chelsea having the red trim. I don’t like Chelsea though. They have a new sponsor this year, Yokohama Tyres, whose spelling will confuse and hopefully alienate the American market. The away kit is nice, a pretty simple style, all white except the blue socks. I’ve always loved that Chelsea have white socks in their first kit, it’s almost obstinate, like Jose went back in time and made white socks a Chelsea tradition just to annoy Arsene Wenger and make Arsenal change their socks when they visit Stamford Bridge. More Mourinho mind games.

MANCHESTER CITY

Manchester City. They should be the epitome of the whole billionaire oil barons buying football thing that I hate…but I can’t hate City. For too many years they had it so, so bad, while United gobbled up mountains of silverware. They made Spurs’s fallow years look likethe Belle Epoque. Will they win the league. Yeah maybe, I don’t care. The kit though is lovely. I’m a huge fan of those rugby collars that Nike (and previously Umbro) are so fond of now, and it works best with the white trim. No more black trim please, City. This is a smart kit. The black and aqua-blue away kit is interesting, because the arms feature lunar topography in blue and black, because of the whole ‘Blue Moon’ thing. I like the song Blue Moon too, but it always reminds me of that scene in Grease.

ARSENAL

I’m a Spurs fan, so naturally Arsenal are the enemy, but I have to admit they are looking pretty good for a run – but they wonn’t win the league because they don’t o that any more, not since the mega-billionaires entered the Premier League. I do like Wenger (especially when he is throwing water bottles onto the ground); his time at Arsenal is equivalent to the current tenures of all the managers in England put together, I think. The kits are nice this year, another button up collar (I like those) and a stylish Puma design. The away kit is the classic yellow (gold) and navy blue with funny shiny diamonds. There’s a hint of that awful zigzag away kit from the early 90s if you ask me. Maybe they should bring that back.

MANCHESTER UNITED

United are back with Adidas, who they haven’t worn since before the Premier League started, ie back when they spent years never winning the title. Rather fitting since they are starting a new and probably similar era. Hey remember the old Adidas kits, yeah they were great, Ron Atkinson, Fergie before he was good, Gordon Strachan, Peter Davenport, Paul McGrath, Robbo, yeah great but no league titles. Will Van Gaal drag them and their multi-million pound players back into Fergie-era winning ways? I can’t see it. It’s back to the 80s alright. The kit itself is based directly on their kit from 1983 (they won the Cup that year! Beating Brighton & Hove Albion in a replay!). As of today, hours from the new season’s kick-off, they haven’t even bothered to release their away kit. Can’t imagine it will be earth-shattering.

TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR

I don’t have very high hopes for my beloved Spurs this year. We’ve gotten rid of some of the dead wood (Paulinho) and bought more Belgian, but if we are some sort of quiet dark horse, we must be Black Beauty wearing slippers and a gag. We’ll finish about where we have been finishing. I predict young Harry Kane will probably score a few goals. Pochettino will be hoping Daniel Levy has switched off the ‘Sack Manager’ reminder that will come up this November, as it does. I love the kits though. Under Armour are doing a good job of making us look different to all the other template teams. The sash is interesting on the home kit. I will get that one. I like the blue away kit, but my wife doesn’t so I probably won’t get that one, unless I get it in secret and only wear it when she’s out. The purple one is lovely too, but I can’t spend all my money on football shirts now can I. Can I?

LIVERPOOL

Liverpool struggled post-Suarez and did well to come sixth but could (and probably should) have placed lower. Thankfully, Warrior Sports have given up making football kits (last season’s were probably the worst kits I’ve ever seen). So this year Liverpool’s kits are being made by…New Balance. Ok. On the face of it the designs are simple. Not super interesting. White away, black third, bespoke designs but, nothing to write home about. Move along.

SOUTHAMPTON

Southampton did well to come seventh but could (and probably should) have placed higher. The last time they were adidas, they inexplicably got rid of the stripes (Umbro technically did that, though they had white pinstripes if you want to quibble), but worse (in my opinion) was making the shorts red. Red shorts? Southampton? Are you insane? (ok, Umbro were guilty of introducing that too). It looked so many types of wrong, and to top it off they had a gold trim. However for all the outrage, kits only ever last a year and so the next season, adidas were out and Southampton produced their own kits, with stripes, with black shorts, all was right in the world. The kits themselves were rumoured not to be great quality but who cares, the players were great on the pitch (despite Spurs et al raiding their manager and best players before the season). This year they have Jordie Clasie, so I think they will do well again, but adidas are back on board and have given them a bog standard template for their home kit (“you want stripes? Fine here’s some other team’s old kit, we don’t care”). The away kit though is in a highly radioactive shade of green and navy blue.

And there are last year’s top seven*. Next year’s too probably. One thing I’m not doing this year is giving a list of predictions. I did that for years, under the direction of a cosmic entity called Mystic Pete (I was Mystic Pete’s representative on this planet, don’t ask, it was a long story). Mystic Pete was often hilariously wrong (Mystic Pete predicted Newcastle would win the league once, the actual league title), so I stopped asking. But if pushed, I’ll say one of the teams in this list will win the league.

Enjoy day one, footy fans, and I’ll be back with more kits soon. Lots more Urban Sketches first, but then some more footy kits.

*Originally this was the top six. But I forgot about Liverpool originally so this is the top seven. Next post there will be the middle seven, then the last six plus maybe one from the lower leagues. Then it’s Johnny Foreigner.