Let Gwyneth Paltrow Give You Some Tips for The Holidays

I’m going to be straight with you here: Gwyneth Paltrow did this big long GOOP newsletter about the holidays, specifically about gifts. And she named all this stupid shit that she thinks would be nice to receive, and I’m sure it would be fun to go through all of her Goopy gifts, but I just don’t have the heart for it. Like, ok, here’s one of the items on her wishlist:

See? It’s a big stupid horn that you put your stupid iPhone in so you can listen to your music or whatever. It costs over $1,000. I just can’t go through all that.

Timing is everything. Give something that is relevant right now: When a friend has a Christmas party, bring her breakfast for the next morning: a pretty tray, a loaf of good bread, some homemade butter and jam.

When in doubt, keep it practical: A beautiful roll of baker’s twine and some homemade vanilla for a baker, a box of hand-dipped beeswax tapers or some fleur de sel in a pretty container for your weekend hostess.

Add a personal flourish to make your gift extra special: Give a vintage ironstone teapot filled with slips of paper listing all the reasons you love the recipient.

Don’t get hung up on the idea that your gift has to be expensive to be memorable: Fold 1,000 paper cranes for a friend who needs a wish, or give a brooch from your collection to someone who’s admired it.

And when you need a super-amazing gift, start a collection: Collect all the editions of a friend’s favorite book and give one every time there’s an occasion, or start a collection of cocktail shakers for your favorite martini making guy.

Think outside the box (literally): Don’t skimp on the wrapping. I always keep a stash of pretty paper and boxes, beautiful ribbon and add-ons like vintage letters and postcards so my gifts are beautiful inside and out.

So there you go, friends. Heed all of Gwyneth’s very special advice. Make some jam. Get some baker’s twine. And if you’re broke, just sit your ass down and make 1,000 paper cranes. No big deal. It’s the holidays!

I haven’t gotten to the cranes yet. I’m still making homemade bread, butter & jam. Something isn’t coming out right. I think the bricks in my wood fired oven (the one inside – not outside) must be from the wrong part of Italy. On the bright side, hand-dipping my own beeswax candles is a breeze! Thank goodness gifts don’t all have to cost a fortune.

My husband and I are trying to save up this year (and we don’t really have any money to spare anyway), so we’re knitting for people in our families. He JUST taught me how (like, yesterday), and it takes me so freaking long I might as well be folding 1,000 paper cranes for every single person in my family!

Ok I have to confess. I LOVE that horn. I can’t afford it but I would buy it if I could. The thing is I love antiques my whole decor scheme is antiques. Queen Anne. Edwardian. Brass lamps. Cherry and dark wood. Deep purples and royal blues. Think Dita Von Teese. Anywho, I abhor digital looking music players and this looks awesome.

My husband hates greeting cards and always says “That’s how they getcha!” when I try to make him sign one. They being Hallmark, I guess. :D
It matters not that I have had a bag of random cards in the cupboard for years, just in case. We already paid for them but he acts affronted every time. I pointed out that if we never use them, THAT’S how they getcha! Didn’t help. :D

Imagine a christmas morning, when everyone just made thousands of paper cranes for each other. That’s beyond depressing.
It’s not decorative, it’s not useful, it’s not even delicious. Worst present ever.

I am super into making shit myself, so I actually do make my own bread, jam, candles, lotion, etc. But it takes TIME. I don’t have kids or a demanding job, so it’s relatively easy to dedicate an afternoon to a project (plus finding cheap suppliers, researching methods/recipes/tools, experimenting, keeping an eye on the stove for hours). When I did have a demanding job, I barely had time to maintain my personal hygiene. I had to schedule in laundry like it was a vacation trip.

And folding 1,000 paper cranes? No fool has time for that nonsense regardless. I helped a friend fold paper cranes as a part of a wedding present & it took us days. We ended up with maybe 40 presentable/non-deformed pieces. 1,000? Yeah, right after you’re finished sewing that quilt that covers the state of California.

Ok, I’ll admit love the cranes because my son (not me!) does origami. He made a beautiful mobile for me for mother’s day, best present ever. It didn’t take him long but he only did about a dozen and it would have taken me years to do that. I really am not into making candles to give as gifts. I do make desserts for tins like “Christmas fudge” which is pretty funny because I’m Jewish and am not super into Christmas. I like the idea of bringing someone breakfast after they host a party but some of these ideas clearly aren’t going to work for most of us…