As If Graham Crackers Weren’t Enough, Satan Is Now Using Legos To Seduce Our Children

Oh my. What is a parent to do? It’s hard to keep up with all the ways Satan is trying to infiltrate the lives of our children. First, he used graham crackers and now Legos? When will it end, dark master of the underworld?

A Polish priest, Father Slawomir Kostrzewa, claims the Danish company has clearly sold its corporate soul to the devil himself, as evidenced by the line of Monster Fighters and Zombies. What happened to the toy farms and friendly schoolhouse of yore?

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“Friendly fellows have been replaced by dark monsters,” he explained. “These toys can have a negative effect on children. They can destroy their souls and lead them to the dark side.”

The priest also cited research by New Zealand’s University of Canterbury that found the expressions the Lego figures make have become angrier over the years. Grimace face = evil. Or actually, it’s the opposite. He thinks the evil figures look menacingly smug and the others look like they are suffering. Hmm. I think Cabbage Patch Kids and American Girl Dolls are way scarier than these Lego figures. But that’s just me.

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“These are just blocks,” retorted Monika Filipowska, a psychologist interviewed by the Super Express newspaper. “Linking them to Satan is just wrong, and all that will happen is that children will be afraid of them now.”

I agree with her. I think making monsters into toys makes the idea of “monsters” less scary. It’s why I love Monster’s Inc. and any other show that makes monsters lovable. The faces on these Lego characters may not be “lovable,” but kids have been playing with scary monsters forever. Vampires and zombies are all the rage. Of course Lego is going to get a piece of that.

This isn’t the first time this priest has claimed Satan is in the toys: “Hello Kitty and My Little Pony have also come under his scrutiny, with the latter being described as a ‘carrier of death’.” Yes, nothing says “death” like a pink pony with rainbow hair and a tattoo of a heart on its butt.