Saturday, May 30, 2009

Sometimes, I dont know what to comprehend out of this crisis that I am having in my life. I know that this is just God testing our willpower and I know that out of this crisis, things can get better even if we dont expect the outcome. I rest my father's fate in God but my only hope is that my father gets well soon and that he doesnt have to suffer like this anymore. It pains me so much seeing him going in and out of consciousness that every day seems like a battle of survival for him. It has been a very tiring ordeal for me too and the fact that my mum isnt the supportive kind, it does make things difficult for me as we both dont understand each other's dilemma. She doesnt understand why I keep getting upset over my father's condition because she said that all this while, my father has been suffering maybe not so much in sickness like now, but in terms of survival because we dont exactly live a cushy lifestyle. We have power cuts often last year when we struggled to pay our utility bills and every time that happens, we all had to be thick skinned and look for sources that can help us.

My mum also said his relatives dont care about him. Only now when he is in true medical crisis, that they rally support around him. If things have taken for the worse and *touch wood* God decides to take his life away, it is only for the better and not for the worse.

I know I am always on the stand that if you love someone so much, you should be willing to let him go. But I dont think that time has come yet for me to make such an ultimatum decision. If there are means and ways for the doctors to improve his condition and hopefully bringing him closer to the road of recovery, I am all for it.

I've always mentioned that you can call me selfish for always praying for my dad to get better and not wanting to let him go yet. I do not know if this is the reason my father is still alive even though he's going through this crisis. I really do not know. My mum's other concern with me is that now my world involves so much around my dad that I forget about my other family members mainly she and my brother.

I understand that no matter what happens, life goes on. Other people have gone through their fair share of crisis and they come out of it stronger although the memories are still fresh in their mind and the bad episode in their life still haunt them once in awhile.

My mind is a complete blank now. I have been praying hard for my father's recovery but I do not know if God is messing with my mind right now by making my dad better and then sick the next moment. If this is His idea of a cruel joke, I am not buying it. But if it is just a test for me to see how much love and respect that I have which I admittedly did not shower him enough of before this crisis, I am willing to repay back. I cant turn back the clock but I promise that I will make things right, if only God grants me my one wish which is to help my father out by saving his life. Please give me the opportunity to make things right with my dad. Please dont take him away from me yet. Please.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Update on my father: He is sick again and admitted to ICU. This being the second time, Im starting to lose confidence but I still have faith in God that he will help my father again like how he did the last time. I was afraid that this would happen and I did pray for his recovery and I am willing to do it again to save his life. But I just could not help but blame myself for stopping my prayers for his recovery when he was stable again at that time and also for not visiting him last Saturday. I could have just carried on with my train journey to Simei but i was too tired coz I was out since morning for two separate open houses.

I just could not wonder what would happen if I had visited him instead even though I know this kind of thing is unpredictable.

This morning, the doctor called again and said that he may need to be dialysed again because of the high level of toxins in his blood. But I could opt out of it and have him transferred out to normal ward where he would be given palliative care instead which practically means that there isnt much that they can do except to just reduce his pain. However, the doctor is not about to give up on him and said that at least, if he is given dialysis treatment, they are actively trying to help him in the ICU.

But she was asking why my family is hesistant to give him the treatment and I said that it would be difficult for us because Im the only sole breadwinner. Right now, medical costs aside, I just want him to go through the treatment like he did the last time because I just want him to get better. I will figure things out slowly from there with the help of the social worker.

Still, after the treatment, it is a wait and see situation but please please please...let there be a miracle and I am heavily counting on God to help my father go through this crisis. I am not willing to let my father go yet. Please God...please help me.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

It has been a tiring one week affair (or more than that...) all in the hope of seeing how my father is doing in the ICU and getting updates by the doctors via phone. I was starting to lose hope when I didnt see any improvements..at least physically on the outside, that I wanted to prepare for the worst. It really hurts when you see a person who is ill but still conscious and able to talk and sit up straight, suddenly struggling, unable to talk to you, immobile and unconscious. When his condition was like that for almost a week, I could only hope and pray for a miracle.Despite some good news along the way in terms of his internal health, there would always seem to have another problem cropping up. I didnt want to lose him and in God, I trust and pray constantly whenever I can even though it can be tiring begging and begging for Him desperately to help my father recover quickly and be once again responsive and conscious again. I didnt want to lose hope on my father and started to pray even more when he was given artificial breathing apparatus which was oh so sad because he was already hooked up on multiple machines already to help monitor his condition closely.Then when I heard from my mum yesterday when she went up first that he was able to respond to her and look at her, and that he was not so fully hooked up to the machines as before, I was ecstatic yet mixed with a sense of reaction that something might not be right too...like the doctors could have given up on him. But my good friends Snow and Nuts assured me that it was most probably his condition has stabilised that they took him off the machines. When I went up to see him, they hooked him again but it was just for them to continue monitoring him but before that, they did unhook him. His oxygen level that was given to him has been decreased down a lot but other than that, we were told that he could breathe on his own. Imagine my happiness when my dad finally could acknowledge my presence and following me with his eye movements because he has regained consciousness and begin to respond and be aware again. Even though he was tired, he wanted to talk but he was too weak but upon my second visit when I went up again, he could whisper out words and lift up his arms one by one when I asked him too. Two days ago, the doctor was saying that he was suddenly immobile and if it continued, they might have to do a CT scan on him. No doubt I was very surprised as I didnt expect such big improvement from yesterday when he was on the artificial breathing machine and deeply unconscious.I was praying so hard for a miracle constantly for the last two days that only in God, I can be so thankful for. Of course the doctors have also been working hard to get him back to the former condition when he was still conscious, as almost everytime, they called me, they would often mention how I told them my dad could talk and respond well.Also, I very thankful for the moral support of my muttons Snow and Nuts and especially Snow who constantly told me to not give up praying for him. Thank you so much for showing up yesterday and I can always count on them during my hard times. I will never forget both of their kindness.Despite showing some progress, I will still continue to pray to God while also thanking him for helping my dad through his medical crisis. I want to pray for his fast recovery and also so that he wont go into relapse. Once again, thank you.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

My computer has finally crashed but I think it is about time..it hasnt been performing well recently too even after rebooting the whole system where initially it worked fine. As much as I am sad it happened, Im a total wreck when it comes to my father who is not doing so well in the hospital. At first, he was doing quite okay but things took a bad turn last Friday which I later alerted to the doctor and nurse because he seemed to be slowly losing his consciousness. So they ran some tests and realised that the virus has become worse and he has low haemogoblin..or low blood count..because his kidneys are not doing so good which led to the build up of toxins in his blood. His heart rate is also weak and his lungs are filled with water because of fluid overload also due to the kidneys.

At one point, he was struggling around as if wanting to wake up but could not because his body was very weak. Now he is lying in deep sleep, occasionally coughing and when I call him, he responded by opening his eyes and then closing again. Seeing him in that condition hurts me so bad and I dont want him to suffer.

I still want him to live despite some people saying he hasnt got much time. But they are not God and I know miracles do happen (as it does in my life). Nevertheless, I am always praying for his recovery and the doctors are doing their best to help him in ways that they can. But as the doctor explained, there are still limitations as to how much medicine can do and ultimately, it is up to the patient's body to respond to the medicine given to them.

As I have said, I am not about to give up and I hope God doesnt give up on him too. I am so sorry to my father for not treating him the way he should be treated.

So far, while there are the sceptics, there are also those who also wish him speedy recovery and I rely on them for strength. One of my ex colleagues, when hearing about his plight, also said that if I have financial problems, like paying the bills, to let her know too and she tries to help in ways that she is able to.

I really thank all for their concerns and let us all pray for my father's recovery.

'R.Popz Inc'

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Monday, May 11, 2009

Please dont go....please dont go, dad. I know I said God loves you but I love you more and I dont want you to go yet. Please wake up and respond to me. I know you are in deep sleep and I want to believe that you are just that....sleeping...and not losing your consciousness. And I also know that I have said that if fated, Im prepared to let you go but deep inside, I am not and Im a wreck now.

I want you to be back in the former condition even if you are still ill on days before last Thursday incident where the nurse claimed to have found you on the floor. Call me stubborn for not believing what mum and my cousin has to say that you dont have much time.

Please God, make him better and dont take him yet. Im begging you....Im not mentally strong yet. Please....

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Just an update in regards to my fathers condition. I've been visiting him on alternate days since last week and though he did show signs of improvements since the first day he was admitted, the last two days as of last Friday, it became quite bad. He was still responsive but not as responsive as before and he got frustrated a bit because we kept asking him the same questions like how are you feeling...which part of you is not well...have you eaten..those sorta basic questions that I have been asking whenever I come to visit. But last Thursday I got a call in the morning from the nurse that they found him on the floor. I know his lower body is quite weak now so he must have accidentally fallen off the chair when he tried to support himself to bed. Then on Friday, I visited him and he was put on oxygen.

I do not know if that caused him to be semi conscious like closing his eyes, and then opening, closing and then opening, as if he was trying to fall asleep but could not. He still could respond well but I think he was too tired to answer or talk that his answers were monotonous like..such as saying no..or...I dont want...and he cant help himself to drink the cup of milo and he refused help although I tried to help him. I felt so helpless as my requests to help him were turned down and I could not help but shed tears coz it was really sad. When the doctor came in, and checked his condition, I also told him that he was not as responsive as before. But he asked questions, he answered but giving monotonous answers. The doctor took it as a sign that he is still mentally stable so there is no cause for worry.

Then yesterday, he was not given the oxygen but he was pretty much the same as the night before. And my mum did not help the situation because she said things that I should not be mentioning here. Anyway, I know she will be happy if he goes and just now she was telling me not to tell her that I wont be the slightest bit happy if my father passes away because I would inherit his money.

That is just so blatantly insensitive. This morning she already made so much noise and whenever she nags at me, she likes to associate me with my dad in the line of like father, like daugther. Then whenever she talks, she likes to raise her voice prompting me to almost go into a screaming fest with her because she cannot talk like a proper human being. Everything must be done her way and whenever we go out with her, whatever she says is correct and if we try to correct her, she becomes agitated and the only point way to cut short everything and not escalate it any further in public place some more, is to do what she says. Oh, and then if she realises it's her fault, like taking the wrong bus which she at first would insist she got the number right, she would blame it on others such as saying we also follow what she said. Sigh....

I know it's mother's day and I should not be saying bad things about her like this morning wishing that it was her instead in the hospital instead of my father the minute she started yakking about me sleeping. Like hello...of course I had to sleep...im just a regular person and you cant find fault in that!

Seriously, all the stresses that I have is derived from my family. As I've said before, I know my father's illness will never be cured but I dont want him to become weaker and weaker and I very much want him to also help himself to get better because medicine can only help you so far. You have to mentally challenge yourself to get physically better. And my mum has been putting pressure on me to request that he be put on dialysis treatment even though the doctors said that as of now, he does not need it yet but maybe few months down the road he has to.

She said that it's the only way to get him physically strong although this treatment can be costly. Look, I cannot make such decisions on a whim. She can jolly hear what other people have to say and based on experience, I know my opinions never matter on her. She does not even have the basic trust in me.

Still, I have to think of the family as a whole in terms of money wise like whether I would have money to last a bit longer and not just think of it on a short term basis. She can call me a scrooge...call me names.....tell my aunt what a big fat scrooge I am....whatever....ultimately, it is still my sole responsibility to make sure they still have food on the table even if I have to make sacrifices and bear with her nonsensical talk.

For now, I only want him to get better. If the situation takes a turn for the worse, I am also prepared. Like people say, God loves him more and if he has to go because his time is up and his suffering will end (both his illness and my mum's frustration with having to take care of him later), then I just leave it to God. Im just a helpless human being.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Why oh why do I have a mum who is super irritating when it comes to toilet hygiene and always complaining how down in the dumps her life is who always couldnt help but to regret about not making the right decisions in the past including that of marrying my father. She is just not thankful that her life is still not as bad as others and whenever I tell that other people have it worse, I would rather talk to the wall because that is what she is to me anyway.

Sometimes I also wonder if she ever hear herself talk and ever regret about it whenever she drops curse words to her own family. I believe she gets away with doing such things because if we argue against her, she will always turn back the table on us by pointing out our bad points..and oh, how miserable we make her life to be and more cursing will ensue and if shes really mad she can even get physical. Thats why I dont bother and just keep quiet because it's seriously no point...it can get out of hand like an unstoppable fire and then a cold war will ensue and then, she will make my life a living hell for as long as I dont feel like talking to her. Thats why when my friends have such cold wars with their parents, and they survive, I admire them. I could barely survive a day with my mum throwing unnecessary tantrums left, right and centre.

I know I always write about her and how I cannot take it at times, if I dont do so, I have the capability to explode and I do not want that to happen. In the past, I actually did and it got very violent and I dont think I am up for it. I would become so stark raving mad. I guess thats why I have a lot of patience in me not because I want to but usually, when things get out of control, it can be difficult to bear with the aftermath and I hate to deal with that later.

So please forgive me if you have to read such similar posts again and again because right now, it's my only outlet. I can talk to people but usually, you know how people dont quite understand your situation. But of course, I still appreciate their kind words. Oh, and at least I Know Im not going crazy yet..maybe she is..heh.

Monday, May 04, 2009

So while dealing with family matters, including my brother who always has something to say or argue about whenever I ask him to study, I still have time to myself including catching up on American Idol. Honestly, Im not a fan but there would usually be one or two that would catch my attention and if every week, they get better and better. This year, it is Adam Lambert who is making even the most hardcore people who refuse to pay attention to American Idol, become a convert as evidenced by an article written by a columnist in the papers today.

Then there are his supporters who became complacent last week making him in the bottom two. I hope they wake up this time and not cast their votes to other contestants with the mindset that he will not be going home because he has so many supporters. But if half of his fanbase decided to do that, it is going to sabotage his chances of entering the finals and getting a shot at winning American Idol. That guy, in my opinion, works harder than other contestants who are to me not risky enough because they always stick to the same formulaic route that may garner the votes but will make them forgettable soon enough if they ever become stars. In other words also, they are the ones who make American Idol forgettable too as people become sick and tired of watching the same thing.

So please, any American people reading this blog and a fan of Adam Lambert, please dont let this talent go to waste. Yes the rest of the contestants are good too but seriously, we want the real deal and the eventual winner should be someone who is versatile enough to last in this music industry instead of just churning out an average record.

Sigh, my father got hospitalised again because he became so weak one day that when he fell in his room, he could not get up at all. My mum's constant nagging at him and constant urging to send him to hospital finally paid off when he had diarrhea on off for the entire week. She went berserk and screaming on the phone to ask me to go home so that I could call the ambulance. A day before that I already took half day urgent leave to send him to the poly and then now this. Because I could no longer stand her nagging to send him there, I finally had to give in to stop her. Furthermore, she did not want to listen to me because her sister kept urging her to do so as that was what she did when my late grandpa was having health problems. My mum often said that my father listened to no one but his sister but she is also the same.

So there began my journey to and fro from hospital but because this time, he was sent to a hospital further from the previous one, try as I might to visit him, I could not do every day. It is pretty tiring and because it is the end of the month and still more than a week to my next pay day, it really isn't good on my pockets either. There is the food and transport expenses that I have to consider. I can do without the food though except when I go with my family because they definitely would want to eat.

It pained me to see him the first two days because he looked so weak and could hardly move and eat. But it got better the third day when I saw him being able to feed himself bread and drink himself without almost making a mess although I came at a time when I did not get to see him eat his dinner. He is in a weaker state than he was back in the first hospitalisation in March but it is understandable because this time round, he has diarrhea and his stomach is pretty weak and hence his lower body is affected and his legs lack the strength to walk. My only worry is that he may not be able to gain back his strength as it will be difficult for him to walk around already and he has to be dependent on us. Let's hope he gets better.

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Living Each Single Day

Hey, welcome to my little online space. I would say this is a blog of sorts, to help me sort out my thoughts. I also write about things going in my life with friends & family and being out and about in sunny Singapore. Life isn't easy, everyone knows that. While we are at it, don't forget to live life to the fullest :)