Senin, 21 Maret 2011

kumpulan funny story

The Zoo Job Story

One day a clown was visiting the zoo and attempted to earn some money by making a street performance. He acted and mimed perfectly some animal acts. As soon as he started to drive a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office. The zoo keeper explained to the clown that the zoo's most popular gorilla had died suddenly and the keeper was fear that attendance at the zoo would fall off. So he offered the clown a job to dress up as the gorilla until the zoo could get another one. The clown accepted this great opportunity.
So the next morning the clown put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd came. He felt that it was a great job. He could sleep all he wanted, played and made fun of people and he drove bigger crowds than he ever did as a clown. He pretended the gorilla successfully.
However, eventually the crowds were tired of him for just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he decided to make a spectacular performance. He climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd people loved it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper came and gave him a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this went on for some time, he kept taunting the lion, the audience crowd grew a larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day happened. When he was dangling over the furious lion, he slipped and fell into the lion cage. The clown was really in big terrible situation. He was terrified.
Sooner the lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The clown was so scared. He could do nothing and he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close and closer behind. Finally, the lion could catch him. The clown started screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion was quick and pounces. The clown soon found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and suddenly he heard a voice from the lion’s mouth;"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

“One of my first jobs as a supervisor was to interview candidates for an administrative assistant,” Leigh S. recalls. “We scheduled a full day of screenings. Following a very wet and rainy night, some areas of our office roof were leaking and maintenance had a couple of buckets in the hallway. Not a great first impression, but hey, it was a quaint old office building. Each applicant had to complete a battery of written tests.

As one candidate dutifully sat at a desk outside my office, I heard a “crack,” a “swoosh” and then a huge splash. The ceiling tile just above the candidate had collapsed under the weight of the rain water and drenched her. Wet but unharmed, the experience clearly dampened her spirits and her prized interview suit. She immediately informed me that she was no longer interested in the job.”

“I’d been looking for a different job for several months and after much searching I was finally offered a new position,” Julie N., an administrative assistant, says. “Of course I accepted, but days after I’d given notice to my current employer, my new employer called and told me they had re-evaluated their financial situation. They were rescinding their offer!

“Panicked, I tucked my tail between my legs and went looking for my current boss to tell her I wouldn’t be quitting after all. I made every effort, but she was tied up in meetings all day. The following morning, during a staff meeting she made reference to my upcoming departure. I was stuck. I had no choice but to reveal my predicament and ask for my old job back — in front of the entire office staff. She gave me two months to find a new job.”

“Oh I’m sorry,” the Chief Development Manager barked, callously, “were you guys trying to have a meeting in here? Because, if I was interrupting you two, I can stop. And I’m sure all the fifty-three other developers sitting here have nothing better to do than wait for your little meeting to end…”

“…A week later, the Chief Development Manager approached David and each of the other developers from the Build Process meeting and apologized to them.

I’m kidding. He fired them on the spot.”

It’s All an Act

“I once got talking to a guy whose job it was to go into a company, sit alongside the Systems Administrator for two weeks, and write a professional audit on his processes and practices.

Naturally the sys admin would be on his best behavior, showing off all the clever things he did to keep the company’s computer network ticking over.

At the end of the two weeks, the sys admin would be fired. There was never any audit: this was just the method the company used to replace their IT people without disruption, making sure the new guy was trained up and the old guy didn’t cause any damage before he left.”

Doing Business with the darn Stock Broker

A man goes up to a stock broker says, "I want to open a so-and-so trading account!"

Blanching, the lady replies, "Excuse me, sir, what did you just say?"

"Listen you, dag-nab it, I said I want to open a trading account this instant!"

"Pardon me, sir, but we do not stand for that sort of talk in this institution!"

The stock broker leaves her desk and goes to her boss and tells him about her predicament. They both come back to her desk where the boss asks the man, "Is there a problem, sir?"

"I don't have a dang problem," the man says, "I just inherited 100 million and I want to open a so-and-so trading account with this blankety-blank brokerage!"

"I get the picture sir," the boss says, "and this wench of a broker is causing you a problem?"

Smart Student

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

The Wild Old Man

An old man shopping at a department store for a gift for his wife was intent on watching a teenage girl who was going through the sale racks. The teenage girl had a Mohawk dyed in various colors: pink, purple, green, and yellow. The old man kept staring at her.

Irritated by his staring the teenage girl finally broke down and sneered, "What's the matter, old dude? I bet you haven't tried anything wild in your whole life, have you?"

The old man did not miss a beat when he replied, "I was drunk one time and was with a Macaw. I was just curious if you were related!"

My Boyfriend is Stuck

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.

He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.

At 60 off came the pants.

At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He sveered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes.

"You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help.

Along came a truck driver.

Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

The present King George in his younger days visited Canada in company with the Duke of Clarence. One night at a ball in Quebec, given in honor of the two royalties, the younger Prince devoted his time exclusively to the young ladies, paying little or no attention to the elderly ones and chaperons.His brother reprimanded him, pointing out to him his social position and his duty as well.“That’s all right,” said the young Prince. “There are two of us. You go and sing God save your Grandmother, while I dance with the girls.”

One afternoon Kaiser Wilhelm caustically reproved old General Von Meerscheidt for some small lapses.“If your Majesty thinks that I am too old for the service please permit me to resign,” said the General.“No; you are too young to resign,” said the Kaiser.In the evening of that same day, at a court ball, the Kaiser saw the old General talking to some young ladies, and he said:“General, take a young wife, then your excitable temperament will vanish.”“Excuse me, your Majesty,” replied the General. “It would kill me to have both a young wife and a young Emperor.”

Reviewing my resume

I've had a really hard time finding a job

And everywhere I went I kept hearing the same thing, -
"Sorry, we don't have any openings at this time".

No openings! No openings! That's all I ever heard.
It was really pissing me off.

Then I thought, maybe I should
just create
a few openings.

But my real problem was that I had very poor interview skills.
I just didn't know how to play the game.

I tended to answer the interviewer's questions way too honestly.

Here are some examples:

Here is the answer I gave to the question,"What office equipment are you proficient in?"

Here's the answer I gave to the question,
"What are some of your hobbies?"