Are you dating yet?

I find this a startling question. But I get it with a enough frequency, that I’ve given it some thought.

So here is my answer:

My husband moved out October 2014.

It is now December 2015.

And I have had what- with a bit of imagination- could be considered a date or two, but the real answer is: No.

And why not?

Because I have never in my life “Put myself on the market.” Nor have I ever set out to “meet someone.”

Now, don’t get me wrong: I’ve been open to the idea or hoped it would happen because I get the upside. It can be fun. I’ve felt lonely. I get it.

But every date or relationship I’ve had has been because I met someone I wanted to know better (or vice versa). Some of those were only first dates because it was clear with just a bit of time invested, that actually, no, I don’t want to know you better.

I’ve been set up a few times that led to good places. Some turned into relationships. My former husband and I were set up on a blind date by a car salesman. Turned out we did want to know each other better.

But I have never in my life felt like I “need” to meet someone or “need” to be in a relationship or “need” to get married. I liked the idea. I like men and when it’s fun, it is so fun. So I don’t have any hang ups on that front, just dating as a hobby or activity to pursue to fill my schedule has just never been my thing.

But this idea that I’m going to hang out a sign or take out an ad that I’m now available is bizarre.

I think part of it is, I had no intention of being single again. I really thought we were going to make our marriage work. Even when it wasn’t great- okay, when it was bad- I didn’t think it would actually END. I thought it’d be a rough patch we got through and some day laughed with relief, “Wow. Remember that? So glad that is over.”

Another part is the end wasn’t really in October. There’s been a lot of ups and downs in this past year so it is actually much more recent that I have had what I’d call CLOSURE.

Or, even PEACE which has allowed for there to be SPACE to really consider this dating question.

One piece of the pie chart is I’m busy. When exactly do I fit that in between working and parenting and friends and family?

Another part is babysitting is expensive. So, I’m not lining that up for pointless coffee I don’t even want.

Eventually someone will set me up or I’l meet someone or something… it’s kind of the law of averages. Eventually, I will not see coffee as pointless.

PS This is not to suggest coffee as a beverage is pointless. Coffee is essential.