At the very beginning, there was Ratopia. Then, there's ratology. In ratology, we get to observe whether someone with psychosis and neurosis could amount to something. This was a question to be answered till the end of my time. Except for now, a few stenosis and hernia as well as months of diminished mobility and debilitating pain after, the question has turned to be... Could someone with such characteristics amount to anything and go anywhere?

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Why am I--- feeling good...

As I mentioned early, my mood has become more and more uplifted every since the day I went folding paper in St. John the Devine while calling God a sadistic bastard (and, yesterday I did go back to the cathedral to appologize to God, who didn't seem to quite care about what I said and gave me some insightful lessons about living life-- remember, I AM psychotic-- no dispute about it) .

That was about a week and a half ago on a Sunday afternoon.

From last Friday till now, the nerve along my spine had been fairly active and it felt as if I am constantly undergoing strikes of electrocution resulting from the excessive firing of my own dear neurons. (Is it the true manifestation of God’s response: "give you a long enough rope to hang yourself?" lol)

Since only the body could heal itself, the only thing I could do is to find ways to help myself helping my body heal… including the continuation of my physical therapy and actively consuming information about all possible alternative treatments including things like biofeedback etc.

Why have I regained my ability to a happy psychotic? Hypotheses of mine as following…

The recovery of physical conditions like mine involves both physical and psychological components. It is inevitable for one to go through cycles involving shock, denial, blame, anger, depression (while depression could be conceived as the internalized anger) and all other good things. Unfortunately, just as there is no way of speeding up normal development, there is no shortcut to redevelop one’s pre-accidental condition.

I am a true believer that all garbage inside has to come out; otherwise, it would just result in more toxins in your system (in the form of things like constipation) waiting to exhale.

In other words, when the day is raining, it is not healthy to make believe that it is sunny.

In my case, one major problem I had was to find an object to blame and to be responsible for my condition.

Since I am covered by workers compensation, hiding behind the shell of insurance, the college is not legally liable while, at the same time, the insurance company doesn’t inherent the college’s moral responsibility (and who exactly is the institution).

I am not responsible since all that I did was, like everyone else, in a meeting, sitting on a chair.

It was not until, at some point, did the growing anger finally boiled and I, instead of calling God a sadistic bastard in my room, moved myself into his house to confront God as up to no good.

That was a relief I guess because, for me, that seems to be the most logical reason attributing to my--- at that point, I would called, suffering.

Afterwards, I was waiting to get struck by lighting walking under the bright day light. In addition… no longer did I owe anything to the natural process of recovery and I should be granted with the access to, at least, mentally, heal, if I am remain to be alive lol.

Of course, it could also simply because it was the ordinary amount of time for me to rebound from depression. It might have taken a bit longer since I am not entitled, just yet, for a good exercise that pops additional endorphins to restore my happy self.

It is also possible that the mobility I have regained helps me to help myself feel better about things… and myself.

It could also simply due to the fact that…. the residues of muscle relaxants and their downing effect are finally out of my whole system (although they claimed that it shouldn’t stay in for longer than 12 hours.) The impacts--- lesser amount of chemical downer and regaining my most precious cognitive processing power (which continue to go through the process of restoration).

It could be the over-activities of my CNS is helping to pump out more Serotonins (while, at the same time, more of that dopamine thing :-x).

At the same time, it was this afternoon when I was going to the toilette at my physical therapists’ did I had the insight that…

Yo, ECT (Electroconvulsive therapy) might be the name of the game. All the neural firing shooting up my head (which actually made me ask my psychiatrist whether they are going to fry my beautiful mind) might have given me God knows how many of the ECT sessions lol. In addition, there are less than two electrodes attached to me (actually none), the effectiveness might have been boosted since, it seems like, somewhere in the literature someone said that ECT with one electrode work better than of with two (something I overheard from the residents administering ECT on a patient during my internship in the psychiatric ward. It seemed that they were having some difficulties figuring out how to perform ECT with only one electrode since the paper did not mention the details. lol)

Speaking of the body healing and resetting itself? lol

This would also provide the perfect explanation for the unblocking of the spot that was causing my movement and perfect evidence for the psychosomatization as the reason for my movement problems.…. except for, based on my observation, the unblocking had occurred as a result of me jumping out of my chair and excessively pulled my back… For a minute or two, I found true miracle… moving great and no side effect. Only later, all pains starts… shooting up fireworks like that you see on Macy’s Independence Day. lol

On a second thought… how did I wake up Saturday morning semi-paralyzed on my left side since it is also used to treat catatonia? Guess the effectiveness really is dependent on the individual. lol

To end this note, what might have reset a depressive, leg-dropping, and psychotic rat into a happy psychotic rat?

All of the above, perhaps?

Never promised you a straight answer and never promised you a rose garden. lol