It is pretty common among religious apologists (as well as lay believers) to argue that we have faith all the time. A common argument they would use is the skeptical argument. They that if anything requires justification then so does reason and evidence, but to justify reason and evidence we have to provide a justification that is not from reason or evidence otherwise it would be circular. But we cannot find any justification for reason or evidence we simply have faith in them as much as someone might have faith in God. This argument is pervasive among lay believers who insist that we often have faith in many things such as our parents, airplane service, and law enforcers (although that one is questionable in some circumstances). They might go so far as to say that I have faith when I assume that my chair is not fragile so I sit on it.

The problem here is that they are equivocating the meaning of faith with making assumptions. While it is common between both believers and non-believers to see faith as a way to making assumptions I personally don’t think this is true. Faith does involve making assumptions but it is also more than that. Faith also involves commitment to the imperative that you cannot change certain assumptions under any circumstances because the assumption must be true. In that case the equation of faith is Faith = Assumption + Imperative that tells you not to change that assumption because it must be self-evidently true (notice that the relation between assumption and imperative are circular; Imperative says that the assumption must be true because it is true, and the assumption must be true because the imperative says so). The thing is that we all make assumptions many times in our lives; it’s usually the first step we take when we try to solve problems or learn something new. However in some of those times we learn that our assumptions are faulty or false in the face of new information so we change our assumptions in order to come closer to the right answer (or right solution). Making an assumption and then changing that assumption is fairly common in how we solve problems or find the right answers; we often do this when we realize that a certain approach in thinking does not help yield the right solution or answers so we realize the problem isn’t with reality but rather ourselves. This is how science also works: it starts with conjectures (i.e. hypothesis) about the world and then it tests those conjectures, if those conjectures are shown to be falsified then we change the conjecture in the face of new evidence.

My problem with faith is obviously not the first part which is making assumptions; again, we all make assumptions. My problem with faith lies more in the second part which is the commitment to the imperative to never change that assumption. It’s fine that we make assumptions as long as we are willing to change it in the face of new information but there is something wrong with intransigently holding unto that assumption in spite of new information. The reason is obvious: if we do not change our assumptions especially when evidence and arguments show that the assumptions are untenable then we won’t get close to the truth.

We learn that our assumptions are faulty or false in the face of new information so we change our assumptions in order to come closer to the right answerThe believer might argue that even if the definition of faith I presented is correct it still remains the case that we have faith in things like the existence of reality, that laws of nature cannot be violated (such as conservation of matter), reliability of induction, and existence of other minds. We not only assume that these things are true but we often treat those assumptions as if they are self-evident and we often make it an imperative not to change them. We also cannot take our trust off of reason and evidence; we often make it an imperative to trust in them. A response that can be given is that there are some assumptions we make about the world that are indispensable, in other words we cannot do without them. That the assumptions are indispensable should not be confused with the imperative not to change those assumptions. The reason is because the indispensability of that assumption is itself the reason not to change those assumptions, to change them we lose more progress in understanding the world than we gain. So to assume that the external reality exists, other minds exists, and induction is reliable are really indispensable because without them we cannot make any inferences, implications, and conjectures about the world and ourselves any further. The believer might argue that this is begging the question since to say that the assumptions are indispensable is to assume that the assumptions are self-evidently true. However this is not the case: for an assumption to be indispensable is for us to be able to make wide range of possible conjectures about the world which if otherwise we could not have done; we need the assumption in order to make more progress but that does not say that the assumption is therefore self-evident but rather something that we need in order to make sense out of the world. It could be the case that our world is essentially a simulation of an alien supercomputer; perhaps that’s the case but our assumption that the external world exists has helped us make conjectures that accurately describes and explains how that simulated world works. If we did find out that the world is simulated then we can change that assumption into something.

Faith is unwarranted not because it merely makes assumptions but because it makes it an imperative to not change that assumption even there are evidence and reasons that says otherwise. There are some ancient old assumptions that we never give up such as the existence of the external world but such an assumption is not something which we make an imperative not to change but rather it is indispensable to our understanding of the world. So no, we do not live by faith, we live by making assumptions yet allowing ourselves to change it when situations calls for it.

I found your article "No True Christians!" article interesting. The comments section had a lot of interesting debate going on there. I'm not a Christian or a believer in any sense. I once considered myself a Spinoza-ist of sorts, but I recently learned that he used a phrase, "per causum" which indicates all of his ideas as *openly* a pretext. Many of the things the collection of books of Christians says, I find foolish. Other things I find obscure and capable of many, many different interpretations to the point that making sense of what the authors intended becomes impossible. This all said, I wonder... what if instead of quasi-rationally trying to figure out the value of an idea like "give to all who asketh of thee" via a thought experiment, which even ancient philosophers did and ended up with many, many mistaken conclusions, we took our reason further and viewed Jesus's idea as a hypothesis... that is "giving material things to all who ask leads us to a better life."

The predictions of such a hypothesis I do not think quite so easy to deduce as both the non-believers and believers in the comment section seem to believe..

That some people would take advantage of us, and thus qualify as "moochers" or anything like that involves labeling and people-rating... silently saying that people really ought not to act in such a way or more shortly we musterbate on them. Also, it is not so easy to know what "getting taken advantage of" of means with respect to one's personal property. Do you "get taken advantage of" if you give one thing away to just one person who asks, two, three... when exactly would you get taken advantage? When exactly does anyone get taken advantage of in any situation?

We can ask the question "will giving to all who ask lead us to a better life?"

If we have the hypothesis "giving to all who asks leads us to the better life" what sorts of consequences will *actually* follow? How would we actually feel if we ran such a psycho-social experiment? What would we actually think? How much differently would we feel than our expectations would lead us to believe if we actually ran such an experiment? What conditions do we run such an experiment under? Do we tell some people about such an experiment, or only run such an experiment if we haven't told them about doing such an experiment? How do we get a good handle on our feelings and thoughts while running such an experiment? How do we make running such an experiment sufficiently precise?

Even True Christians, which from your comment section I can see that there do exist some out there, haven't really given us much, if any, information of the effects of acting in accordance with such a hypothesis. Has anyone practiced giving any material possessions to anyone who asks for years and written a journal on such even? I've found some things online, but there doesn't seem to me to exist much publicly available information on the effects of doing such. Maybe I've missed it.

I started the only Ex-Christian support group in the New York City/tri-state region. My ranting was wearing thin with everyone else.

We're called ExChristianPostTheo. We've been going for less than a year and have 60 members so far. We try to support people leaving (or who have long since left) "the" faith. But we also form a replacement social group for what turns out to be generally very intelligent, brave, curious people.

You don't leave Christianity if you're a casual Christmas-and-Easter Christian. You leave Christianity because it's been your life, because you went to Sunday School AND Bible Study every week, because you went to Christian summer camp or led the youth group. You leave Christianity because you spent a huge amount of your life seriously trying to grapple with your own faith in a sincere way.

That's why, in my experience, Ex-Christians are rarely the wanton sinners Christians say we are. We're not even GOOD at the bar scene, much less interested. We may have trouble integrating into life outside the options church proscribed (who's up for bowling?!) The Post-Theo half of the group addresses the need of Ex-Christians to continue to talk with others about the probing questions that drew them away from Christianity. That's Post-Theology. It's Bible Study for people who can no longer tolerate Bible Study.

I, personally, have a long story about how I left Christianity and maybe will address it more fully in another letter. In brief, I was homeschooled and told I was possessed by demons. I was later briefly incarcerated (as a straight-A, totally sober student) in a Christian mental hospital on none other than the infamous Marcus Bachmann's (of "pray away the gay" fame) recommendation. I was drugged for a year. Of course later I was thrown out, cut off, and treated like an insane person. After three exorcisms "failed," my mom decided I have Borderline Personality Disorder and made a point of writing half the therapeutic team at Columbia University (where I was getting help) to let them all know. I don't have BPD. I have a pretty heavy diagnosis of PTSD as a result of all this, but not BPD. But PTSD implies somebody traumatized me at some point. BPD relieves my family of blame.

I effectively have no family anymore. I can't spend my life in the company of people who literally think of me as a deranged, demon-possessed monster. And that's unfortunate, because as a Christian I was raised to strongly value my family.

I've spent most of my life being told I was unlovable and fundamentally invalid because I questioned my faith. It's like trying to walk on broken legs. Working with other Ex-Christians has empowered me quite a bit, and has helped me lose a lot of anger toward Christianity as a whole. But the anger flares anyway, at times.

With luck, this note will reach other people in the NYC area who would like to come share their stories, thoughts, and experiences with our Ex-Christian support group. Otherwise, I would be more than happy to offer advice or support to anyone else who would like to start a group of their own. It's a brave, thoughtful thing to leave Christianity, and I have huge admiration for those who do.

I think the biggest challenge we as humans face is to accept the fact that we are smarter than we used to be but we still have a lot of evolving to do. We as Homo Sapiens, managed to survive the transition from being stronger in tooth and claw to a more slender version with larger brains, and it only took a few million years of nature selecting certain individuals who had those extra brain cells and could out smart everyone else in the business of keeping warm and killing whatever and whoever we came into contact with, and endowing them with more and longer reproducing capacities. Yes Neanderthal man may have had bigger muscles and more hair but the guy who could bring home the bacon, won the favors of little miss cave girl, and departed this small world leaving more copies of himself.

A sharper arrow, a truer shaft, and an appreciation of the target, even today, beats big and stupid. All that said, if we are to maintain any piece of mind, we just have to adjust to the reality that there are always going to be certain individuals who have the "right stuff" , can think with more clarity and purpose, and will win at the game of life better than others. Some will say that they have been blessed , and others will realize that its all about improving our chances of surviving as a species. It has everything to do with Mother nature and nothing to do with a temperamental "old man" up in the sky.

I have come to being at peace with myself as I gradually came to realize that I was pretty average and blessed with a few skills perfected during an already longer life than expected . you see we all have something worth while to pass on to our descendants or we wouldn't have been the product of the select few billion sperm who got the chance to marry with one of mammas precious eggs.

Just think what it must be like for those who are super smart, extraordinarily beautiful, and perfect in every way to carry the burden of finding and mating with the equally endowed. Not that I haven't had a few lascivious thoughts about Angelina but came to my senses quickly when I thought about the fact that she doesn't have anything that most girls don't have. Proportion maybe?.

The jury isn't in yet on humans having the gullibility sufficient to live a life built around bronze age mythology, but as of this writing, I'm guessing that it ain't gonna prove to be a very good survival characteristic!

Mom and Dad won't always be there for you. Your beloved may not always be faithful, always love you, may never meet your expectations. Friends may disappoint you, even betray you, move away, and even die. Let's face it, life is unpredictable, even as we continually keep making order out of its chaos. Where is there any 'home base' to tie up to?

Here's what you've been taught as you grew up: There is one sure thing you can depend on, God. He will always be there for you, of that you can be certain. But, even that certainty itself changes, if you're willing to learn.

Well, YOUR god is the Real Thing. Previous gods were worshipped, special prayers were formulated to win their favors, avert their wrath, defeat their enemies and yours, and, of course, rituals were created so that there would be guarantees these beliefs would continue forever. Magnificent edifices were erected to these invisible spirits who are in control of the heavens and Earth. Gods are still in societies today, and not only in polytheistic religions. Three of the major religions each have their own true one: There is the God of Islam, that of Christianity, and the ancient god of Judaism. Millions of adherents to each are assured they own the One Sure Thing, the Ultimate Security.

A previous god would deliver the True Believer from evil, famine, disease, earthquake, flooding, drought, etc. But that god wouldn't deliver everyone. Only a select amount survived to praise him. The god cured, through miracles, and answered enough prayers to assure its believers of its continual presence and approval of the priests who spoke for the god's wishes and commands. The god also kept worshippers on a leash as they attempted to understand what pleased or displeased him.

What happened to those previous sure-thing gods? Millions worshipped them, died for them, and sometimes children were sacrificed to them. Their existences were a given, obvious everyday reality, permeating civilizations. What happened? Did their myriad manifest miracles cease, their powers wane? Did all the "proofs" of their existence start to be doubted, gradually and persistently? Were they replaced by yet other gods, equally invisible? And were there not always those who noticed that life was no different with any of those gods than without them, and who went on with their daily lives, faring no better or worse in life than the believers?

But, YOUR god is the One Sure Thing, eternally present to be completely depended on. He is able, trustworthy. He will always be there for you, will not allow you to suffer more than you are able to bear. Your god will reward you overwhelmingly, for persistently never doubting, believing in him on Earth and in an eternal bliss after you're dead (just as the other gods did.) Hope in him without reservation, and he will always take care of you. Of this, he has already given his promise. All that you must do is wager your will, your conscience, and your life, entrusting them to the Sure Thing which is unreachable by your senses.

Wait a minute. Don't all religions (and Nazism, fascism, communism,) also arise out of the convinced mindset that, "Here, at last, is the Real Thing , the Real Deal,” with people finding tons of rationalizations to support that premise and totally buying in to it - just as they did before, with all the previous, real-deal gods? Didn't they "know in their hearts, know in their blood, not their reason" what is true and totally commit to it? Ah, such faith! (Oh when will they ever learn?) But, YOU, no matter what monotheistic religion you belong to, must rest in assured contentment, knowing that your god is the one true one who will never let you down.

Hasn't it ALWAYS been a Wager on the One Sure Thing, that eternal and dependable One, no matter which one? The stakes ARE the highest, the gods, including yours, all invisible, inaccessible to the senses, and having preference and domination over human rights.

Sure, keep insisting, "My God is the One True God,” the Sure Thing. All the others are false. You sound like all the other believers before you, and there is danger lurking in such righteousness. Don't be so sure there is any god because, without proof, evidence, that the others also lacked, you may be no more right than they were.

Live and learn, they say. Well, live but learn: one thing's for sure, all life is change. As the endless parade of once-worshipped-then-discarded gods proves - beyond a shadow of a doubt - there is no "sure thing" guarantee.

But, I’ll wager that you’re listening to the same kinds of god-spokesmen those people of bygone days were. It's a bet I’m bound to win.

I recently deconverted from Christianity, and for the past few months did not know what to do about it. You see, I am very involved in church{ teaching Sunday school, singing in the worship team, ushering, past board member, and married to the pastor's daughter.

I decided I could not live a lie and had to tell my wife.

To her credit she has agreed to try to stick with me, but is saying its unfair of me to stop going to church or doing nightly devotions with her.

Telling my family and hers has been really difficult too.

After a two hour meeting with our parents, the in-laws left from the opposite door I was standing at, refusing to speak to me as they left. My mother asked me to get checked out by a doctor to see if I am suffering from some sort of depression.

My sister posted on Facebook a lengthy plea, public, outing me to the whole world. And my wife, though she says she loves me , told me she is afraid God will make one of our kids die, in order to "get my attention."

Philosophers and theologians have been quarreling for centuries over a handful of abstract arguments –ontological, cosmological, teleological, experiential . . .-- that some insist either prove or disprove the existence of God. Obviously, they don’t prove either, or the argument would be over. Mind you, I do think it’s over. The scholars have had their noses so deep in their books that they didn’t notice the obvious.

1. Mosquitos.

Let me get it straight. The world – in fact the whole universe—is fine tuned so that humans, the pinnacle of creation can live here on Earth and spend our time joyously praising God. Oh, and there are mosquitos, but they didn’t evolve. They are part of the perfect plan. Huh.

2. Migraine headaches.

Migraine headaches are about as useful as mosquitos, and they hurt worse. As many as ten percent of school kids get migraines; mine started right around the time I learned to talk—barf-in-the-bathtub headaches, not the rare-but-benign flashing lights and visual distortions that make you think you’re on good drugs. Any god who created migraines would be a sadist.

3. Nudibranchs.

Nudibranchs are the coolest creatures on the planet. Why would a loving God put them where no-one could see them for the first ten or twenty or thirty thousand years of human history?

4. Prayer.

My mother prays for rain in Scottsdale when the tortoises start dying of thirst in the desert --and lo and behold my basement floods in Seattle. (Rain dances don’t work so well either. I tried them a number of times when I was a kid. Got dust storms.) What does that tell you? Is the rain god helpless, or mean, or non-existent? Ok, my apologies. That forced choice sounds a little too much like the tired old trilemma that some Christians use to defend Jesus: was he an a. lunatic, b. liar, or c. Lord? It’s possible that Jesus was a legend or a reformist rabbi; and it’s possible that the god of rain is simply geographically challenged, or ignorant rather than mean, or that he exists on alternate Thursdays, even though cognitive scientist Pascal Boyer says my brain structure won’t let me believe this.

5. Babies without brains.

Some people think that believers without hearts—like, say Catholic bishops who cover up for pedophile priests-- are reason to doubt that there is a god. But I think there’s some wiggle room in terms of who’s at fault in those heartless pedophilia cases. On the other hand – anencephalic babies that are born with literally no brains– babies that are physically incapable of becoming persons--no wiggle whatsoever.

6. Bad marketing.

If you were God, would you let Pat Robertson, Fred Phelps, or Anjem Choudary speak for you. Would God really be less marketing savvy than Coca Cola?

7. Endometriosis.

According to the Bible, God retooled women’s reproductive tracts after Eve ate the apple. The idea was that we would want sex and get pregnant, and then having babies would hurt like hell. If the story were true, mightn’t you think God would have gotten the design right? Why have some of us bleed every month like sacrificial goats and then not get pregnant so we can actually live out Eve’s curse?

8. The Ten Commandments.

How neither set of Ten Commandments in the Bible (here and here) says, “Wash your hands after you go to the bathroom.” Or “Don’t have sex with anyone who doesn’t want you to.” Epic fail. Imagine if wash your hands had replaced, say, “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth [like nudibranchs].” Just think how many lives could have been saved! Or how about that non-PC commandment about not coveting your neighbor’s ox or ass or wife or other valuable stuff. Really? Really? Implicit endorsement of wife as chattel? Some people say that the Ten Commandments are just evidence against the Jewish or Christian God. But would any omnipotent, omnibenevolent extant deity have let them stand unedited for 3000 years?

9. Stars.

There are way, way too many of them and they are way too far away. Efficiency is part of good design. If God designed the universe for us, seems like he could have simply put a firmament above the earth, with little holes where the waters above the firmament could come through, and where angels could lower down lights-- say a greater light to rule the day and a lesser light to rule the night. It would be kinda like the Truman Show. Who needs deep space?

Almost every time I defend a secular viewpoint, I’m met with this statement; and I quote,

“I just believe that not everything can be explained, geez.”

It’s either that or something similar to that. I’ve been confronted with this statement on a multitude of occasions by people who run out of arguments to defend their fallacious religious beliefs. My question adhering to that is this,

“If everything truly cannot be explained, should we then just fill in the gaps and assert things that we don’t have evidence for?”

Even if everything cannot be explained (which I disagree with); that doesn’t mean we should just jump to conclusions in a possibly-erroneous way. I know a lot of people are not going to like this but—faith is dishonest. Not only are you being irrational when you put faith in an anthropomorphic deity, but you are also deceiving yourself in case you just so happen to be wrong.

Every shred of empirical data that we have up until this point repudiates the existence of a supernatural supreme being. Also, if you pay close attention to—and read—various religious texts, or even skim over them you will find the same pattern. Most all of them are taken from earlier scripture and text and retranslated to fit the authors’ desired intentions. An example of that is how ancient Greek mythology basically introduces the concept of Hades, and then it was subsequently adopted by almost every other religion since. I mean wake up and get a clue people! My intention is not to insult anyone’s intelligence. Rather, it’s the total opposite. I would like to believe that people are smarter and more rational than what their beliefs would suggest—which leads me to an unwanted deduction. I have concluded, based on my observations that people continue to harbor religious beliefs because it comforts them to do so. Even in the face of everything I have just inquired about, there will still be many people who pray to a sky genie before they tuck themselves in tonight.

The Mahabharata, which contains the Bhagavad Gita,has been said by many scholars to be one of the oldest—if not the oldest—religious text. It is an ancient epic poem that is also considered to be Hindu scripture. Many of the concepts of eternity were subsequently taken from this archaic text and re-translated in other religious doctrines. That brings me to another question, “Why are we still relying on documents this old to tell us what to believe?” I mean seriously, all of these texts were written in an age long before the rudimentary foundations of scientific practice were established. In addition, if you remember your history correctly, Galileo was imprisoned for scientific discovery—in an age when those sorts of things were considered to be of the devil by the Catholic Church. They were considered to be of the devil because they threatened the power the church had over the people and the comfort that orthodox beliefs bring to the masses.

In conclusion, I cannot prove to you that there isn’t a God. However, I can show you how ridiculous it is—from a rational standpoint—to fill in the gaps without evidence. Religion has caused almost more death around the world than any other thing. The Crusades, The Salem Witch Trials, and The 9/11 Attacks are all decent examples of what religion has done for us as a species. If you are reading this and you are religious please understand that secularity doesn’t demand blind obedience. It doesn’t condemn you to an eternal torture for your mistakes. It doesn’t assert anything that we as a people—collectively—don’t have evidence for. It does; however, liberate you and help you approach your life in a more rational way.

Suffering is an immense problem for Xians. I’ve already talked about the problems with the free will argument, but there are many people, like evangelicals and fundamentalists who use the line “everything happens for a reason”. To put it in Bible-speak,

“All things work together for the glory of God, and according to his purpose (Romans 8:28).”

Whoa! That’s a huge pill to swallow! God is in charge of everything, and nothing happens without his consent, is basically what Paul is saying here!

This verse is a fatal, fatal misstep for Christianity. How can you use the free-will argument when your own authoritative text plainly says that God interferes with the world to make it work for his glory?! Seriously, you could ignore this verse, and say, oh, Paul’s not important, but you’d be damn wrong! What other books are you gonna take out next? You could go until you have just the four gospels left, then take out John (90% of it isn’t even what the real Jesus is thought to have said, according to the Jesus Seminar), and you’re left with three, maybe put the book of Acts back in, realize that the events Paul and Acts describe don’t match up, discard Acts and be left with only three books in the NT to base your Xian belief on. Yeah, you’re slipping down that slope pretty fast, buddy, and how long is it gonna be before you realize the three books you have in your hand contradict each other as well…on the Resurrection, for Pete’s sake! Why would there be a contradiction about such a MASSIVE event?! I know different people experience things differently, but we are talking about objective things here, not feelings! Who was at the tomb – a man, two men, an angel, or two angels? Did saints rise from their graves and march through the town, or is that too much to be believed? Did Jesus come back to see his followers, or not? What women went to the tomb? Why do Xians believe that a 2,000 year old book written by superstitious people is a good thing to base their beliefs on and to center your life around?

This same mentality is present in the Romans 8:28 theodicy. Those who espouse that God makes everything happen for a reason have a lot of explaining to do. We could talk about the Holocaust, or the Rwandan genocide, but that’s not what I’m getting at. What I’m getting at is that this theodicy excuses and allows what God thinks is evil! Why? Well, if you know ALL things work out the way God wants them to, you can kill, rape, abuse, and torture anyone you like and say, “Hey, all things happen for a reason, right? Their family will soon receive blessings from God! What I did was good!” when you stand before a worldly judge. But hey, God’s the only true judge right? This theodicy undermines the objective moral values Xian apologists claim Xianity give believers! There’s no foundation for Xians to base their morals on, and they fall into the same pit of subjectivity that they claim nonbelievers wallow in! They overlook this so glibly! Hey, I killed your husband with that robber so you could meet up with your long-lost childhood buddy and help him raise kids in the projects! REALLY?! This is the kind of God these kinds of Xians worship?! This god is dangerous…I want nothing to do with him or his followers! In your theology, you don’t kill someone for a greater purpose, Xians! Jesus would consider this line of thinking blasphemy! God needs to play by his own damn rules!

Also, how can you use the free will argument and tell me miracles occur and that everything happens for a reason? The free will theodicy rules out miracles and vice-versa! IF Jesus rose from the dead and was able to appear to the disciples, how the HELL does that NOT violate their free will?! If God healed your sick grandma, why are you telling me the only reason he cannot tinker with the world is because he wants us to have the ability to make significant choices?! It makes no sense. Be consistent!

I think I can say with some degree of certainty that the way a Xian explains suffering shows who they are as a person. Strict free-will types are usually more liberal Xians, like Lutherans and some Catholics. Strict Romans 8:28 types are usually nondenominationals, Baptists, or evangelicals ( and the most annoying!). I think that free-willers are a little kinder, gentler, and understanding than Romans 8:28ers. And I think 8:28ers are more gullible, more laissez faire, and less tolerant than free-willers. I think the whole “God will take care of it all” mentality is disturbing and dangerous.

So, I’d like to ask, what do you think of my hypothesis? DO you find it to be true, or am I missing something? I’d love to know!

A few weeks ago on this site a Christian woman claimed in a comment that she had once been an atheist and found it to be a life of emptiness and loneliness. She advised the article’s author to accept belief in Jesus for a better life. Her last sentence has been bouncing around in my head ever since. She wrote, “Don’t listen to your pride.”

Of course, many of us pounced on her assumption that atheists are empty and lonely, and rightfully so, but what did she mean by her parting shot? How does pride become an issue in believing the Christian story? Since the foundational story of Christianity comes from the Bible, I have to assume that she meant that to doubt the Bible is prideful, that one should just ignore his doubts and believe.

However, if there is clear evidence in the Bible that at least some of its contents are contradictory, false, stupid, and immoral, then wouldn’t it be stupid to just believe in it all without doubt? Must one be either prideful or stupid?

I would argue that if the Bible’s contents are flawed in all four of these ways, then nothing in it should be accepted without considerable supporting evidence from outside the Bible.

So, is the Bible contradictory? There are hundreds of examples I could use to show that it is, but here’s one simple and foolproof one. In Genesis, there are two different creation stories (Genesis 1:1-2:3 and Genesis 2:4-25). In the first account, human males and females are created after the animals, while in the second, the man is created first, then the animals, and finally the woman. These accounts are contradictory so they obviously cannot both be true; at least one of these accounts must be false.

Genesis then provides a perfect example of material in the Bible that is both contradictory and false. But let me provide another example which might strike closer to home. The Bible also provides two different genealogies for Jesus, both tracing him back to King David. In Luke, forty-four generations are traced back to King David, while Matthew lists only twenty-eight, and both lists contain names not on the other list. (Odder still, these genealogies both trace through Joseph who, according to the Bible, was not even the biological father of Jesus - the Holy Spirit was the father, according to Luke 1:26-35.)

If someone handed you two wildly conflicting genealogies listing your own ancestors, could you possibly conclude that they are not contradictory, and thus that neither is false?

I promised an example of stupid from the Bible, and here it is. In Matthew 5:39 we find Jesus saying,

“But I tell you, do not resist an evil person.”

How could it be anything but stupid advice to not resist Hitler, or Stalin, or Anders Behring Breivik, who massacred 69 youths on a Norwegian island? There is no indication that Jesus was speaking of passive resistance here, ŕ la Gandhi, for he says simply, “do not resist.” If people actually took this advice, then the world would be ruled by brutal tyrants. Some world, eh? Just a moment’s thought proves Jesus’ advice to be stupid. Absolutely nobody else thinks it makes sense to let evil people always have their way (except, perhaps, evil people).

So, what about immoral? Can the Bible be shown to be immoral? A unbiased reader could easily provide dozens of examples, but I’ll just provide one which is simply beyond refutation. In Leviticus 20:13 we find,

“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.”

So, without qualification, without reservation, the Bible commands that we should simply execute homosexuals. To kill a man BECAUSE he is homosexual is immoral in the eyes of any sane, modern adult. Can this really be argued?

Now, some Christians might argue that not all of the Old Testament rules need to be followed today, that the coming of Jesus heralded a new covenant between man and god. But, this is not what the Bible says. According to Isaiah 40:8,

"The grass withers, the flower fades; but the word of our God will stand forever."

So, if you’re going to argue that the Bible is the word of god, then you are forced to accept that it will always be true. There is also Matthew 5:17, where Jesus says,

“Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill.”

Clearly, he is speaking here of the Old Testament law and prophets.

And, in the end, it’s all hearsay anyway. Almost none of the authors of the Bible are known to us and none of their substantive claims have been verified by sources outside the Bible. These largely anonymous authors are simply saying, “Take my word for it.” But why should we? Why shouldn’t the Bible stand up to the same scrutiny we demand of other books, especially so called “holy” books - like the Bhagavad Gita and the Quoran?

It almost seems like the writing of the New Testament was sealed off from the rest of human history, as though it were complete fiction. Supposedly, Jesus fed 5,000 men plus uncounted women and children with just 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. The strangest part of this story is that there is not a trace of evidence that even one of those thousands of people ever wrote about it outside the Bible. You may argue that few people were literate in those days. Fine, but is it believable that not one of those thousands ever told that fantastic story to someone who could write, and who would think it was a story worth repeating? Tens of thousands would have heard that story, and not one of them wrote it down?

If someone handed you two wildly conflicting genealogies listing your own ancestors, could you possibly conclude that they are not contradictory, and thus that neither is false?We humans have always been fascinated by celebrities, and when one of us gets just a quick glimpse of a genuine celebrity we tend to tell everyone we know. Yet, there is not a single written account anywhere, except in the Bible, of a single person who ever saw Jesus. He goes around for 3 years followed by huge crowds, feeding thousands with scraps, healing disease with a touch, walking on water, it’s practically miracle after miracle, and repeating a strange new philosophy, yet . . . not one witness can be found outside the Bible. Maybe there was a small time preacher wandering around ancient Israel who loosely fits the description of Jesus, but if even a tenth of the events described in the New Testament actually happened, there would certainly be written testimony from that era, outside of the Bible.

And, further, according to the Bible (Luke 4:16), Jesus definitely could read and write (and besides, does it make sense that a god would be illiterate?). He claimed to be bringing the most important message in the history of mankind to the people, yet he never wrote down a word of it himself. The most important message in the history of mankind and he leaves it to his followers’ memories? And the Gospels weren’t written until at least 30 years after Jesus’ alleged death. And even then, most Biblical scholars believe the Gospels were not written by the disciples whose names are attached to them. Doesn’t this seem like a pretty sloppy way to get an absolutely vital message out to the world? Is this really the best this god could do?

Now, despite the simple and clear proofs I have shown, many Christians at this point will be thinking that all this contradictory, false, stupid, and immoral stuff in the Bible simply can’t be as it appears, and that we should just trust god. But, would you trust someone who claims to love you but stays hidden in a closet? (This line is thanks to House, M.D.)

If I must be either prideful or stupid, I’ll take prideful every time, thanks. Shouldn’t you?

This is an exercise for me. I have read countless of testimonies and going through my journey of leaving Christianity has been extremely therapeutic. I'm sorry that this will be long. All these little moments led me on my journey of leaving Christianity. Hopefully someone else can find something in my story that rings true for them. Thanks to those who run this site.

This story begins like most. I was born to Christian parents. My father was a Baptist and my mother was a Catholic. They decided to raise me in a non-denominational home. I read bible stories with my parents every night. My heroes soon became men and women like Moses, Esther, Joseph, Noah, Joshua, Mary, David, Solomon, Paul and Job. The top of that list was Jesus. He was an amazing man who died, so that I could live forever with God. It made sense and I had incredible faith in this.

I went to a Christian elementary school. I got good grades, but always excelled in Bible class. I knew as a child that this was the most important subject. Knowing God and developing a personal relationship with him by studying his word was priority number 1. I went to church with my family. When I entered into middle school the church my parents took us to went through a split and we joined a new church. I also began attending a new school. I did not make many friends at my new school, but I made a bunch at our new church in the youth group. My parents later told me that they were not that impressed with the church at first but they kept going because I was making friends in the youth group. I loved the youth group I was learning how to play guitar and they allowed me to play in the worship band. I really felt like I had a home. I also began to make friends at school. I made one friend that radically changed my life to this day. He gave me a CD called Punk-O-Rama 3 to borrow.

This $4 compilation changed my whole life. The energy of the songs really spoke to me as a pre-teen. I took that CD my friend gave and bought the CDs of the bands that were on it. I did not like what some of the lyrics were, but I was addicted to the energy of these songs. I was interested in finding bands like this that praised Christ. I did. I found a band called Five Iron Frenzy. FIF was different from other Christian bands that I had found. They were banned at my local Christian book store because of songs like "Anthem" and "Go And Get Your Riot Gear". I found their CDs anyways. I also got a 45 from this small record label called Asian Man Records. It came with a mail order catalog. I looked through it and saw that they also had compilations. I found one at my local music shop. I fell in love with these bands as well. I would read the liner notes and see the bands that they thanked and find more bands. This habit continues today as an adult.

Back to church. I was in an great youth group and I was really happy. I was also doing well in school. Some of my friends in middle school started experimenting with pot and stayed clear from it. I was getting into a band called Minor Threat. I was drawn into straight edge as a way of life. It was a cool way to tell my peers I did not want to smoke or drink. I was on a plan to enter into the Christian high school with all my friends, but then something happened.

A few parents found out that my mother was a Catholic. This one mother told her in front of me that she was going to hell for being a Catholic. To this day that moment sickens me. My mother and father decided to pull me out of that school and go somewhere else. They sent me to a Catholic high school. Again I was the new kid and had no friends. I would spend many nights praying to make some friends at my new school. Luckily I had my youth group. I poured all my energy into it. I worked at a soup kitchen every week feeding homeless people. I began leading worship in my youth group and even working at the church. Some of us guys decided to make our own movies. This turned into a passion of mine and I realized that I wanted to make movies. I was fully immersed. I decided to go to an art school and study filmmaking in college. Before I went to school I went on a mission trip to Africa.

I went to a country called Swaziland. We talked about regular sex education, but we also talked about abstinence. Everyone laughed at us and I felt like we were hitting a brick wall. I just thought that they needed to become a Christian and then they would get it. I came home and started college. I still worked at the church doing worship, but I started to make videos for them. It was a great side gig. I never lost interest though in music and was playing in a hardcore punk band. I was meeting new people in other bands. Most of them were not Christian and some were very outspoken against it. I decided to be Christ like and lead by example. I was inclusive of everyone at a show. I did not party with everyone but I hung out and did not judge them. Then another big change happened, my art school dropped the film program.

I was scrambling to find a new school. I figured out what I needed to transfer to a state school and I enrolled into a community college. I had to take a science class. I took astronomy. My lab partner was a girl named Kate. We became friends and realized that we were both transferring to the same school. I moved to San Francisco. She and I stayed friends.

At this time I was really into a band called Bomb The Music Industry. At the time Jeff was recording everything on his own in his apartment. I had quit my band to go to school and began to do the same. I fell in love with his record Goodbye Cool World. He had one line that said straight edge was a cult, but the bar scene was not any better. That really made sense to me. I mean even Jesus drank wine. I went on a date with a girl to get some sushi and I had my first beer at the age of 21. I did not become a hedonistic Satan-worshiping fornicator. I dated a few girls in San Francisco, but nothing serious. Kate and I were still friends but I did not think she liked me. One night we got a pizza and things started happening. I was still reading my bible everyday and feeling guilty about what I had done. I felt like I had failed god and myself by giving into temptation. There was something different about this girl though. She was not religious. She did not grow up in a religious home. I then decided that I should save her. This is where it got really twisted. I tried to justify my sin as an attempt to save Kate for god. Looking back now I was a complete idiot. I decided to give her a bible and write in my favorite stories for her. I gave it to her and she looked at me dumbfounded. I told her that this book meant a lot to me and it would mean a lot if she checked it out. She took the bible and told me that it was really offensive to her for me to say that she needed this book to live a better life. She said that she loved her life without religion and told me that she respected my beliefs and that I should respect hers.

I poured myself into my bible again and read it from cover to cover. I became even more frustrated with it. Looking back I was a totally different person. I poured myself into my bible again and read it from cover to cover. I became even more frustrated with it. I decided to make a list on my wall. One list said “God is real.” The other one said “God is not real.” I wrote down all my pros, cons and issues with the bible. I had hundreds. I had 2 major ones. I could not believe that an all loving god could send people to hell for eternity. I also could not believe that I could enjoy heaven knowing people were being tortured for eternity in hell. I decided to reread it. Then I bought a new record.

Pedro the Lion was one of my favorite Christian bands when I was a teen. Bazan’s lyrics were so raw and unfiltered. I felt he was saying all the things that were on my heart. As I was unknowingly going through my deconversion, I bought David Bazan’s solo record “Curse Your Branches.” I was not aware of his deconversion at the time. I heard the song “Hard to Be” and I began to weep. I broke down and let out every frustration I had with Christianity. I put that song on repeat and just let go. I listened to the rest of the record and said aloud to myself. I am not a Christian.

I have not told my family. I am telling my patient girlfriend of 4 years tonight. I have kept my deconversion to myself for about a year and a half. I am still working through it. I will say that it has been the most liberating experience of my life. Everyday has great meaning now. I see how religion has crippled my life and the world around me. I hope to become brave enough to tell my family. I hope to help someone down the road through this hard journey. It was not easy to lose my faith. It is not easy for anyone. I did not want to lose it, but I am better off without it.

I am 23 years old, and I would definitely say I am an 'ex-christian.' My father was a heroin (and whatever else) addict, so my sister and I were raised by my mother. We struggled all our lives, and a lot of terrible things happened. When I was 12 years old, my father was killed. I began a downward spiral. By 14 I was using drugs and just acting crazy. My mom worked 2 jobs, so supervision wasn't an issue. My freshman year in high school, a church by the name of Church on the Rock did a small revival-like 2-day conference in my town. Suddenly there was a blast of teenagers in my school being dragged by their parents, or the group of zealous converts, to church, every week. Sunday mornings, Sunday nights, and Wednesday nights. I don't know how to explain the difference between this church, and the other churches in the area, any other way except: The people were militant. Every person I ever talked to from there had a misguided sense of authority. There was a mission in mind every time they opened their mouths. They dominated every conversation, and twisted your words.

I had recently begun to spend time with another girl in my class who's whole family went. It took them another year and a half to drag me to a service, but from the moment I walked in the door they took advantage of the weakest and most vulnerable parts of my life. I was forced to admit every sexual encounter I had had to that point. Every lie I had told and secret I had kept was dragged out of me by guilt and fear. I was told that God had to make me clean again, and he would, but it was going to be a process, changing my habits. I was going to want to let other people give me advice, but I had to remember the only advice that would keep me out of HELL was out of the Bible or the preachers mouth. They began to mold me into something they could use to convert others. I would run bible studies for my class mates and say things that make me feel sick to think of now.

Absolute hubris... and all for the sake of making them members of the church.
I would lie on my bed at night and cry, over the shame and fear of the questions in my head. See I had given everything I was to this belief... this shadowy, questionable doctrine. To make you understand how seriously: I was running multiple Bible Studies, 'discipling' multiple fragile girls like myself. I was in engaged to a boy at 18 that I had only known for 5 months, because the church thought we would 'work well together.' Our preaching style was dynamic and sure to save some souls.

I was scared, and felt out of control. I started digging into the leadership of our group. Things I found out were so disturbing and to the CORE hypocritical, I was having a hard time ignoring it. But I was scared to leave. Everything I had been taught, said that if I left, or searched for answers to my questions, and comfort for my doubt, that I would not only fail in life, but end up spending eternity in hell. I knew that if I told anyone what I was thinking, or the info that I had found out, I was going to be accused of 'creating discord in the brethren.' I had seen it happen before... to a few others. They just moved away and no one ever talked about them. Occasionally, when their names would come up, there would be a few wild rumors about how they were doing terrible since they left... but communication with them was looked at as a sign of being 'weak in your faith.'

Over time I found myself on a journey of enlightenment. There was always a fear to ask questions and seek answers, since denying the holy spirit is an unforgivable sin. It seemed that doubting was the last thing I wanted to do. However, when your curious about the truth, but too scared to to hunt for it, sometimes it will seek you out. It was a fight to get out. They told lies about me, caused me to lose my job, and a lot of the people in my town though I was 'demon possessed.'
Now here I am on the other side, at 23 with more peace than I ever found in the church. I would say I'm an atheist... It's a freeing thing to admit. I don't say that in rebellion or anger towards the church. I say that because after recalling my experience I can see that there were very specific tactics used to break me to the point that I was at. I can see, on a large scale, the DAMAGE religion, as a whole, has done to mankind. Real happiness is found in taking control of your life, and responsibility in your world.

I still have serious trauma issues from the emotional and mental abuse. The anxiety that I feel when I think of it, will keep me up at night.

However, now, when I lie my head down at night, its next to the man who loves me for exactly what I am, and I have peace with myself. My peace comes from fighting for people, and not against them.

I began realizing that I didn't believe in religion when I was a teen, but couldn't leave it as I was forced to go to church, w/o fail, every week. When I got old enough to drive, I still went to church and youth groups out of habit as well as being uncertain of my true beliefs. The older I got, the less I believed in religion of any kind.

The crowning blow was when I tried to have my letter transferred (I was raised baptized and confirmed in the Episcopal church) to a church nearer where I then lived and was denied because I'd married a man who had previously been married. I was told that I would have to get special dispensation from the Bishop to be able to be a member of any church. That really did it for me as attending went. I was furious that anyone would dare to tell me who I could and could NOT marry. What difference did it make if my husband had been married before or not? If his previous marriage didn't work out, so what?

As I grew older still, I lost more and more of my belief of this mythical person who was supposed to help me through life. By the time I was 30, I was an agnostic, but it took moving from an area that didn't give a hoot if you went to church or not, to a VERY fundamentalist area that certainly did. When you were introduced to someone new, their first question was "What church do you go to?" That one just stunned me. I didn't care IF they went to church, so why should they care if I did? And further more, which one I went to was even lower on my list of interests.

By the time I was 50 I had become a full blown atheist. I still don't advertise it due to the fact of living in a fundie area (N GA)but I have found plenty of people who have lost their religion so I'm quite comfortable being who I am and not having to pretend anything.

Finding this site has been wonderful! Reading so many others who've been badly damaged by religion breaks my heart, but it's great the support that folks on this site give to anyone who needs it. WONDERFUL!

My husband and I had some long-time friends over last night. It was nice to get together with them but there were times during the evening that I felt unsure about how much to share in regard to my current beliefs and world view. Even my husband and I avoid the subject because of our differences in the past 2 or 3 years. He has also stopped going to church regularly but still very much believes the inerrancy of the bible and all that goes with that and I haven't been too open in sharing with family or past christian friends about all the changes that have taken place in my own life in regard to Christianity/religion and my personal beliefs. It becomes even more awkward when friends from our past come and expect that nothing has changed.

It's funny how we seem to accept the reality that life is never stagnant but rather constantly changing and evolving. Our bodies change, our children grow up and change, our surroundings change, our friends and social circles change, our relationships change but why do we seem to think it's odd and even wrong for our world view and beliefs to change as we grow and learn?? Should ones ideology not also change and evolve along with everything else in our lives? Why do people feel threatened by that? I guess I know the answer from a Christian's viewpoint. It's the idea and belief that Christianity and the Judeo-Christian bible have exclusivity and is the only way to God and 'salvation'. I know it brings a sense of security and continuity to those who hold to it but at this point, I don't want to hold blindly to an invisible, intangible being whose only communication is through an ancient collection of writings that have bronze age values of slavery, sacrifices, irrational rules, patriarchal rule and a god that orders the slaughter of innocent lives over and over again. It's funny how you can blind yourself to what's really written there for years until you're willing to ask honest questions and stop justifying every unjust and horrendous act written there by simply saying "God must have had a reason, he knows best'!Maybe that's how others from our past history justified obeying orders from a tyrant and murderer such as Hitler. Maybe they simply believed or were brainwashed from youth to simply trust that they knew what was best so therefore should be obeyed.

As far as I see things, change is inevitable and I intend to continue to change and grow as I learn and hopefully grow wiser in all areas of life.

I realized at a fairly young age the importance of being myself, of being true to myself. By way of example, here’s a snippet from a self-admonitory journal entry, written my senior year of high school:

Don’t put on an act and pretend to be someone you’re not just to make people accept you. You don’t have to reveal everything about yourself, but don’t lie about who you are. If people only accept the you that puts on a facade, they’re not really accepting you. Much more importantly than the way you act around others, however, is the way you act around yourself. If you’re some totally fucking weird schmuck, you might not want to reveal your weirdness to others, but you must at least accept this about yourself and not try to change who you are simply because it is unconventional by society’s standards. Simply put, be yourself. Act the way you feel you should act, not the way society says you should act.

Needless to say, I wasn’t always true to myself, often succumbing to peer pressure. And yet I think I did better than most. If you asked my old friends what they remember about me, I imagine many of them would say that I was unique, that I was my own person. Some would remember that I was an outspoken conservative, not a popular position at my school. Others would remember how I ditched some popular kid parties during my senior year to hang out with a group of nerdy sophomores. Still others would remember a time I went around school wearing a tampon around my neck. (Long story there. Let me just say that, for very nonsensical reasons, I believed this to be an act of self-expression.)

I dropped out of college my sophomore year to work for a congressional campaign. There I found myself to the left of everyone else, a position I’d never before been in. These people were basically religious right gun fanatics. We’re talking people who picketed abortion clinics during their free time, people who felt that they needed to arm themselves in preparation for the coming new world order. Although I initially thought they were crazy, the pressure to conform eventually got to me and I began adopting their beliefs, black helicopters and all. What can I say, I fell in love with politics. I looked up to these people. I trusted them. And I needed them to trust me if I was going to rise in politics.

But after several months I finally started to reassert myself. Again, evidence can be found in my journal. In one entry I affirm—contrary to the candidate—my belief that the government should legalize drugs and refrain from regulating pornography. In another entry I vow to never again steal an opposing candidate’s yard signs, something which I had done at the behest of the campaign manager. I repeatedly express my disgust with my coworkers’ morality:

I’m so sick of work. Politics is close-minded and vicious. We’re right, they’re wrong. In some cases that may be true, but the enemy is still a person. Instead of declaring war on him, we should seek to understand him and to love him.

As the campaign progressed, I also began to more boldly resist coworker pressure to become a Christian. Everyone else on the campaign was a born-again, and I knew it would be tough to rise in this political subculture if I remained a deist. Yet I remained a deist. I didn’t hesitate to tell people that I believed prayer to be a useless exercise. I remember explaining that, while I thought Christianity helped many people, I personally couldn’t buy into it for the simple reason that I could never know if it was true. After all, there was no way to prove that Jesus was the son of God, that he rose from the dead, etc. Another admonition from my journal:

Do what you feel is right, not what others tell you is right. There’s so much shit in Christianity and other religions; if you disagree with it, disagree with it!

Shortly after the campaign ended—I can now say, with a feeling of great relief, that we lost—I wrote:

Here I spent one year working with people who were good, honest Christians, but wrong and close-minded in several areas. For example, they correctly identified abortion as an evil, but also felt that anyone who entertained such thoughts as homosexuality and evolutionism were immoral [sic]. Gimme a break!

I believe that morality is pretty much common sense. We all know what’s right and wrong. Follow the Golden Rule: Treat others like you yourself want to be treated...

Someone is not going to go to Hell, nor does he deserve less of our respect just because he engages in sodomy! If there is such a thing as Heaven and Hell, I’ll bet all the money I have that the moral homosexual is going up North, while the Christian heterosexual who is also a liar and adulteress [sic] is going to burn.

So that was me in November 1996. Judging from these entries, I seem to have had a pretty good head on my shoulders. I’d been tested at the campaign, had initially failed but then rebounded and renewed my resolve to be true to myself. Judging from these entries, it would appear that I had a promising future before me, one of self-exploration and eventually (it could reasonably have been hoped) less regressive political beliefs.

But other entries give a different impression. In these, you see what essentially amounts to a scared little boy, someone who has been too overwhelmed by the “mean world” and its “mean people” to be truly concerned about forging his own identity. You see a boy longing to return to the Edenic comfort of childhood:

I want to be in high school again. I don’t even want to be in college. What a scary, scary age. It’s like I’m officially an adult. That’s one of the last things I want to be...I was such a better person [in high school]. No comparison. I was just plain nice. I didn’t steal political yard signs. I wasn’t near as cynical. I didn’t try to trick and deceive. Things were simple and clear. Pretty much everything made sense. I knew where I was, who I was. I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew I could get to pretty much whatever I wanted.

In one passage after another, I obsess over my masturbation addiction, expressing horror that my sexual desires have such a hold over me:

I will not masturbate at all tomorrow. I will not even touch myself, or get in the position to masturbate. I will not watch any pornos. I need to get ahold [sic] of myself and take my life back.[2]

It was during this time that I bought a James Dobson book.[3] I didn’t know exactly what Dobson believed. I just knew he had a reputation as a moral guide and exemplar, and I desperately wanted one of those. It was also during this time that I took a temporary cashier job at a nearby Christian bookstore. I had no intention of converting. It’s just that I had an in, as the store owners had been campaign supporters. Moreover, I felt I needed—again quoting my journal—a break from “the cold, mean world,” and I reasoned that most Christian bookstore customers would be “nice and decent.”

Everyone at the bookstore assumed I was a believer, and I just let them go on believing that. Had they known I was a heathen, they would have undoubtedly spent a great deal of time trying to evangelize me, and I would have consequently disliked them. Instead they treated me like one of the gang, and I came to truly love and admire them.

There was Jenn, the 19-year-old store manager, who enjoyed the customers, even the annoying ones. I remember watching her listen to some batty old lady rattle on and on about her health problems. Jenn just stood there, keeping eye contact, nodding, expressing sympathy. When the old lady left, I turned to Jenn, prepared to exchange a derisory eye roll. But Jenn still had a smile on her face. Looking up, she said with complete sincerity, “She’s so sweet.”

Paul, a forty-something man, owned the store with his wife and viewed it as his life’s mission. His primary goal wasn’t making money but sharing the love of Christ. He sold Bibles at cost, feeling it wrong to “profit off the Word of God.” Paul had poured, not just his heart, but also his life savings into the store, and not surprisingly it was on the verge of bankruptcy. But, he kept reminding us, if we had a good holiday season, he might be able to keep the doors open.

I remember bringing my register till to him at the end of my shifts. His weathered face would rise in anticipation and then just as quickly fall when I told him the day’s totals, always a fraction of what he’d been expecting. “Oh well,” he would say, and then with complete conviction, “it’s all in God’s hands.” He really had that much faith. Which seemed silly to me but also admirable, perhaps saintly.

Working at the bookstore began to change me. After being there just ten days I wrote in my journal that my girlfriend needed “to re-establish a relationship with God” and “respect my sex rules,” which had rapidly grown puritanical. I started expressing even more guilt than before over my masturbation addiction and devised increasingly detailed plans for stopping.

Before long I wanted to, not just live like a Christian, but actually be one. I think the world was just too much for me. I think I feared that the nastiness I’d encountered in others, as well as my own rapacious desires, were symptoms of a greater problem and that existence itself might be a dark, chaotic, ultimately meaningless affair. Although I believed in a non-specific deistic god, I worried that there might not be an afterlife, and this terrified me. As I had written in a journal entry shortly after graduating high school:

If we’re all going to die no matter what, why does anything we do matter? No matter what kind of lives we live, they all have the same consequences! If two people are playing a game of chess, for example, why does it matter how well either person plays or what type of moves they make, if, regardless of everything else, they’re both going to lose?! I just don’t know anything. There are absolutely no answers to life. We just don’t know! Why does it matter if I get smart, or bone a lot of chicks, or do anything if in the end, no matter what I do, I’m still going to die, just like everyone else. Life is total uncertainty. It’s scary. Very scary.

Like I said earlier, I desired to return to Eden. I desired to be protected by a powerful, loving parental figure who would give me the help and assurance I needed.[4] Yes, part of me longed for self-discovery and self-expression, but my fears of life’s cruelties and ambiguities were proving to be too much.

But I couldn’t just believe, I couldn’t so easily make the intellectual sacrifice that I had for so long protested against. But then one day I got my hands on a book claiming to actually prove that Christianity was true, claiming, for example, archeology has confirmed many of the biblical narratives, that historical evidence supports the empty tomb and resurrection sightings.[5] Before opening the book, I more or less told myself that I had my answer, the key which would allow me to believe. I began reading the book, a couple pages here, a few paragraphs there, feeling just as amazed by the evidence as the author had promised I would.

Deep down, I’m sure I knew that I wasn’t being intellectually honest. I must have known that counterarguments existed and that an honest person would examine these counterarguments before reaching any conclusions. But I didn’t want to be intellectually honest, at least not that intellectually honest. I just wanted to be a Christian. And by reading this book (parts of it, anyway), I essentially felt that I had given myself permission to become one.

So that’s what I did. One night, probably seven weeks or so after starting at the bookstore, I knelt down beside my bed and prayed the sinner’s prayer, asking Jesus to forgive my sins and come into my heart. And then I asked him into my heart the next night. And the next several nights after that, just to be sure.

I quickly immersed myself in all things Christian. I began studying the Bible and listening to Christian radio. I began hanging out with other believers and going to church throughout the week. And I began to ditch my old friends.

I continued reading the Bible, going to church, praying that God would strengthen my faith. For several years I did my best to avoid situations that might threaten my faith. During times of doubt, I would immerse myself in one or another work of Apologetics. I would never of course read any opposing viewpoints. After all, I didn’t want to be corrupted by lies.Looking back, I can honestly say that this latter decision was the biggest mistake I have ever made. I had amazing friends, guys who were like brothers to me. Genuinely good people, sincere and well-intentioned. Guys who would have literally done anything for me. And yet I forced them out of my life.

I remember taking a walk one evening. I’d probably been a Christian four or five months. My old friends had invited me to go see the new Star Trek movie with them. Since I’d recently promised God that I wouldn’t see an R or PG-13 movie fort he next year—this being part of my new plan to whip masturbation—I declined their offer but, after much prodding, agreed to meet them at a party afterwards. So here I was, about an hour before I was supposed to meet them, walking through my old neighborhood, feeling what can only be described as a sense of dread.

Sitting down at a little playground, I remember feeling as though a sense of darkness (a demonic power, I assumed) was enveloping me, struggling to sow doubt in my mind. I feared that being with my old friends would only further weaken my faith.[6] And I couldn’t allow this. What I had with Jesus, I told myself, was precious, and I needed to protect it at all costs. So I vowed that, after making a brief appearance at the party, I would redouble my efforts to dissociate myself from them.[7] And that’s exactly what I did.

I continued reading the Bible, going to church, praying that God would strengthen my faith. For several years I did my best to avoid situations that might threaten my faith. During times of doubt, I would immerse myself in one or another work of Apologetics. I would never of course read any opposing viewpoints. After all, I didn’t want to be corrupted by lies.

Needless to say, I quickly grew alienated from myself, employing the classic defense mechanisms. For example, I began believing that God had healed my desire for vengeance (repression); I obsessed over society’s supposed lecherousness (projection); I adopted many of the traits and beliefs of Christians I admired, especially Paul from the bookstore (introjection); etc.; etc. I also tricked myself into believing that I held beliefs that, deep down, I didn’t really hold—for example, that I knew Christianity to be true. And I worked myself into unnatural emotional states—for example, feeling disgust upon hearing that others lived together out of wedlock or that they drank alcohol or that they—brace yourselves—practiced homosexuality.

In sum, I abandoned my adolescent desire to be true to myself. And not only did I try to be someone I wasn’t, but I convinced myself I was someone I wasn’t. For the next several years I lived like this, refusing to be myself, essentially just playing a part.

I don’t mean to create the impression that these were altogether horrible years. I met a lot of wonderful people during this time. Moreover, my faith gave me an inner peace that I’d never before known. And yet the costs of my self-alienation proved to be too much. I lost touch with who I really was, with my natural feelings, energies, talents, and perceptions. And the anxieties which faith was supposed to pacify didn’t go away. They simply receded deeper into my psyche. Since I was no longer dealing with them directly, they began to manifest themselves in different forms, in destructive neuroses and hatreds. In the end, I wasn’t any happier, just more neurotic and self-oblivious.

Towards the end of my time in high school I became a regular runner. I’d just leave my house, usually at night, and begin running, often without a destination in mind, often traversing several miles. I spent most of this time lost in thought, trying to make sense of things, especially the future.

I remember one run in particular, probably about a month before graduation. It was pretty late at night, and I ended up lying in the middle of a soccer field, looking up at the starry sky. Looking at the heavens always engenders fear in me, and that night was no exception. But I also remember feeling a sense of optimism. I already suspected that the world was a shitty, compromised place, but as I lay there I felt that, if I just remained true to myself, if I just followed my conscience, somehow everything would turn out okay.

How I wish I could go back in time. How I wish I could talk to that kid, tell him that he was right, that, just as he’d been writing in his journal, he really did know the secret to life, that he just needed to keep being honest and remain true to himself. I would tell him to stay away from conservative politicians. I would tell him to avoid all forms of dogmatism. I would assure him that if he just continued following his inner conscience everything would turn out okay.

I’d been a Christian for about four years when I started to grow unhappy. I remember one day asking my mom, herself a Reformed Jew, if she believed that Evangelical Christians were worse people than unbelievers. “I don’t really think so,” she said without much deliberation. I’d begun to consider that possibility, however. I’d encountered so many contemptible Christians. Hypocrites, narcissists, bigots. In a few short months I would become further disillusioned as most of the Evangelical world would line up behind George W. Bush as he waged his immoral war against the people of Iraq. I just couldn’t make sense of all this. After all, the New Testament claimed that believers were indwelt by the Holy Spirit, who was at work conforming them to the image of Christ.

I started to miss my old friends and regret turning away from them. I started to miss my old self. One day I sat down and read through some old journal entries. For the previous several years I’d told myself that I’d been such a heathen back then, a sinner rebelling against his creator. Yet these entries told a different story. I saw that I hadn’t been such a bad guy after all. Sure, I’d been foul-mouthed and unorthodox, but I’d had a good heart. I’d been determined to be truthful, no matter the cost.

However, it took me a long time before I would be ready to reexamine my faith, largely because I worried that the result would be unbelief and thus eternal damnation. Once you get the idea of hell drilled into your head, you can’t easily shake it. I also feared that leaving the faith would hurt others, especially the young people whom I’d instructed in Sunday school for several years. So I instead tried to become a better, more progressive dogmatist. I strived to be more honest, admitting, for example, that I didn’t understand why homosexuality was sinful or why unbelievers deserved to spend eternity in hell, but accepting these beliefs nonetheless. (A seemingly small but significant step.)

But no matter how hard I tried to update my faith, I remained unhappy. In my late twenties I felt lower than I ever had before. I wanted to stop going to church. At one point I contemplated leaving my wife. I basically just wanted to go back in time, find that kid on the soccer field and set him on a different path.

I felt a sense of great relief when in 2005 my pastor accepted a teaching position at Liberty University and my church subsequently disbanded. I guess I’d been blaming my unhappiness on the church and had convinced myself that if I could just find another church, another group of believers, my problems would go away. But they didn’t. I had problems with all the churches I tried. I just couldn’t stand the people. Here they were raising money to buy their churches new electronic bulletin boards while people overseas were struggling to make ends meet. And I couldn’t fathom how they could one minute be singing hymns to Jesus and the next praising the warmongers and torture-mongers in the Republican Party.

The unhappier I grew, the more I began to open my mind and tackle the difficult questions I’d avoided for so many years. I started to see that Apologetics was a fraud, that it was absurd to claim you could prove that God existed or that Jesus had risen from the dead. I also began striving to understand myself. By reading people like Karen Horney and Ernest Becker and by talking out my feelings with my wife, as well as a high school friend with whom I’d recently reconnected, I began to better understand myself and the motives which had been controlling me or so many years.

And so I finally realized that my faith had been a defense mechanism and discarded it.[8] Although I knew that doing this would open up a world of previously repressed anxieties, I no longer cared. I now knew that the costs of repression outweighed the benefits. I now just wanted to live honestly. I just wanted to be myself.

I’m not completely there. I don’t know if I’ll ever have the courage to completely be myself. But at least I’m heading in the right direction. My eighteen-year-old self, I imagine, would be pleased. Yes, I’m sure he would have trouble understanding what took me so long, but I know he’d be happy that I finally got back on the road.

Notes:

[1] I was primarily referring to our volunteers.[2] Unlike many others, I didn’t struggle with masturbation during adolescence. Strange as it may sound—and awkward as it is to reveal—I hadn’t even known that the act was possible until the summer I began working at the campaign.[3] Life on the Edge: A Young Adult’s Guide to a Meaningful Future.[4] Of course, Christianity appealed to me for other reasons, as well. For example, I liked the people I’d met at the store and desired an intimacy with them that could only be obtained by converting. I also liked—no, loved—Jenn. I realized fairly soon after meeting here that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. But, of course, a good Christian girl would never marry an unbeliever. Finally, I knew that converting would be the only way to open certain doors into the political world to which I still aspired.[5] Josh McDowell’s Evidence that Demands a Verdict.[6] Which of course it would have, as our beliefs are largely affected by social consensus.[7] I was able to find a myriad of biblical passages to support this decision.[8] Please note that I’m not condemning religious faith in general. I’m talking about a very specific type of faith, what psychologist Richard Beck refers to as defensive faith. Like Beck, I believe it’s possible to believe for non-defensive reasons, and I don’t think this type of belief is harmful in the slightest.

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