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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Today...

I have hours, days, weeks, even months where I feel powerful. I feel loved and loving, sexy and beautiful. Times where I am confident and strong and where my insides match my outsides. Where I am the Mother/ Wife/ Woman that I want to be. And I know it. And that self-confidence and self-love just oozes out of me to surround me in an aura of bright sparkling yellows and blues and greens. Happy, content, peaceful.

And then there are those times.

When deep down inside my heart and mind that little bitty corner of my soul is opened. And there is a tiny little girl there with big eyes and ratty hair. That girl is absolutely positive that enough is never enough. That no one could possibly love her. She whispers in my ear over and over. Chanting. "Not good enough. Not good enough."

That little girl is someone that I am terrified of. She makes me run fast and hard.

But how do you escape what is inside of you?

I confront her and comfort her. And eventually she fades away. And I am back to being who I am.

But those times leave me feeling vulnerable. When any little harsh word or lack of words can make me crack and tremble and leak my sorrow all over my household.

I hate that.

I hate not feeling in control of myself. My emotions. My life.

Even in the midst of facing down these doubts, I still, intellectually, KNOW who and what I am. I live my life and drive and change diapers and laugh and live. But still, at night, I crawl in bed and huddle with tears behind my eyes. And I try to wrap my arms around that tiny figure in my soul. And remind her that love is what you make of it. Accept it and be happy. Doubt it and be sad. Life is what you make of it. Struggle and feel trapped. Or relax and feel at peace.

9 comments:

Oh my goodness. I swear you wrote this just for me. I see that little girl often, and have to tell her things will be okay, and she is loved. She is loved by ME, the person who knows how very special she was, and is. Sometimes, as a child can do, she wins, but most times, I can now calm her down.

My voice isn't a little girl, it's a big girl who thinks she deserves nothing and is worth even less. They come in all shapes and sizes. You are right to live for today. That's all we can do sweetie, one step, one accomplishment at a time...

You're totally right - we all have that little girl inside of us. Sometimes she's chanting quietly and is easy to ignore but then there's the times when she's yelling her effing head off and you can't possibly help but listen to her...

I've missed blogging but there was sooooooooooo much wedding hoopla/drama. I think it just comes with the whole wedding territory.