Mine’s Bigger: Babies and Urban Combat

Move over, Range Rover. The battle for the streets has gone from trucks to toddlers as the ultimate urban status symbol for upscale parents, in case you hadn’t heard, is now the family pram. If your neighbors donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t seem intimidated by that H2 glistening on your driveway, the next step for domination at the local Starbucks is available at your local baby supply store, and unlike with SUVs, the boundaries for size are as endless as the opportunities for needless indulgence. Sure, this might make Saturday window shopping in the city unbearable for the rest of us, but what better way could there be to show the world your paternal prowess and establish your tykeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s ascendancy than a monster baby buggy?

Here are some axes you can wield as you grind your way down the sidewalk next weekend (child not included):

The mountain buggy boasts a 34Ã¢â‚¬Â wheelbase, anodized aluminum frame, shock absorbers, 12Ã¢â‚¬Â air-filled knobby off-road tires, 5-point integrated safety harness, wrist-strap-governed integrated rear braking system, and optional lambÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s wool lining. WhatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s more, its 26Ã¢â‚¬Â width will cast diffident pedestrians off the sidewalk as your progeny cruises in comfort up to a weight of 100 pounds or until they can load up their own iPod, whichever comes first. Most importantly, that jelly roll in your hand and over your beltline notwithstanding, the local barista will know from one look at your babyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s $500+ off-roader that youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re a svelte, stylish elite athlete and you’re only at your best when bumping your severely shaken child along the boulevard at full clip.

If Michael Schumacher actually did his own shopping, here’s what he’d buy for his kids: From the Grand Daddy of baby buggy makers, this limited edition sidewalk schooner isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t so much about mass as it is about prestige. Combining high-grain leather with a carbon-fiber frame design, this carrier says only that youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re willing to splash down north of $1200 for a stroller. Cruising in a ride designed by former aerospace engineers, with the obligatory five-point safety harness, your progeny will experience from three months of age a seating position that fighter pilots train for years to achieve. If that isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t enough, Maclaren will be happy to sell you a co-ordinated car seat designed by Recaro, along with matching leather-wrapped footmuffs, rocker, and baby carrier.

For about a grand, Bugaboo provides you with the perfect complement to that Segway Personal Transporter or Dyson Vacuum and proves to the Joneses that youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re not afraid to re-think the baby carriage. The Cameleon brings adaptability into the stroller buyerÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s lexicon, and allows literally dozens of different possible combinations to match your babyÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s on-road and off-road quests. This very pimpable ride taps into both your vanity (by forcing your little angel to stare at your mug for endless hours of shopping mall combat while magically suspended in a cocoon of plastic, nylon and kevlar) and into that neglected portion of your brain that woke you up at 9AM every Saturday to catch each new episode of Ã¢â‚¬Å“The TransformersÃ¢â‚¬Â throughout the 1980s.

Yeah, baby. Nothing says nouveau like the Porsche brand. Designed to fold compactly into the luggage compartment of your 911, Cayman Ã¢â‚¬â€œ and yes Ã¢â‚¬â€œ even your grasping Boxster, this miracle of mechanical engineering allows you to dial in your wunderkindÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s sense of entitlement accordingly. WhatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s more, this puppy rides on Carerra S rims with grippy, corner-hugging pneumatic tires. For safety there is of course the five-point harness and both a hand brake and a parking brake, not to mention the cast aluminum frame and roll bar. This puppy even has a spares program which ships replacement parts straight from Stuttgart, but sadly Porsche offers no leasing program for this model so you’ll have to wait until those shares vest before plopping down well more than $1000 in cold, hard cash.

The standard city sidewalk is exactly four feet wide. At 47 inches in width, though, this double-wide ensures no one will contest your daily domination of our public walkways. You can smirk diffidently as up to 125 poundsÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ worth of infants blocks the entrance to the convenience store, deli, or shopping mall — even though you had to borrow the neighborÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s kid to fill it. WhatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s more, now you can send pedestrians scattering on all kinds of terrain with bicycle-sized wheels, while its dual hand brakes, shock absorbers and side-by-side pushbars will tempt you to take this imposing piece of machinery onto the pavement and wage war in real traffic. And with its racing-inspired safety harness(es) and a price tag of a mere $900, why not?

All things considered, spending an obnoxious sum on an equally obnoxious conveyance for your christ-child is great value, when taking into account the joy of watching those poor sniveling kidless hordes withering before the prowess of your brood. At 1/50th the cost of even the most primitive luxury SUV you can now wield your behemoth around the neighbourhood without splurging on high-octane and still block the sidewalk whenever whimsy suits you. What’s best is that when the wheels of your new tractor crush the toes of some unsuspecting sidewalk adversary, the sweet squishy faces of your newborns can impugn even the most aggressive charge.