CHILDREN say the funniest things and a new book, School Fail by Anna Tripp, features the real gaffes and blunders which will have you laughing from registration to going home time

Q: “What can we do to solve the problem of litter in the rivers?” A: “Teach the fish to eat garbage.”

WEIRD SCIENCE

Q: What is a plasmid?

A: A high-definition television.

A class of six-year-olds were learning about shapes and were told an octagon had eight edges. As a memory aid teacher told them to remember an octopus has eight legs. Next day she drew the shape on the board and asked for the name. One excited boy put up a hand and shouted, “Spidergon!”

Question in a mock biology GCSE exam:

Q: Give an example of movement in plants and an animal that cannot move.

A: Triffids and a dead cat.

Homework? I thought you said housework, so I went home, washed up and hoovered the living room

A pupil

NUTTY NATURE

“To germinate is to become a naturalised German.”

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”

IT DOESN’T ADD UP

Q: Use the word “benign” in a sentence. A: I am eight but I will soon benign.

Q: “What can anyone tell me about symmetry?” A: “It’s a place where you bury dead people.”

HYSTERICAL HISTORY

“Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot.”

This pupil clearly had it licked. “Sir isn’t Napoleon an ice-cream?”

“Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.”

“Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.”

HOLY MOSES

A visiting minister asked some primary school children during assembly if anyone knew the two parts of the Bible. One of the oldest pupils eagerly answered: ‘The old and new testicles.”

Teacher: Who brought baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh? (Silence) Teacher: I’ll give you a clue, there were three of them.

Child: The three little pigs.

A teacher in Scotland was telling her class a Bible story when she asked if anyone could tell her anything about the Hebrews. Up shot a hand and an eager boy answered: “They’re islands near the west of Scotland.”

“Solomon was the wisest man of his time owing to the fact that he had so many wives to advise him.”

A teacher in a Catholic school was telling her class how she prays to St Anthony when she loses things or when she is driving and gets lost. One of the boys asked: “Why don’t you just buy a TomTom?”

Q: Christians only have one spouse. What is this called? A: Monotony.

Q: Who was sorry when the prodigal son returned? A: The fatted calf.

WACKY WORLD

Asked to name the great waterfall in Africa, many members of the class had various incorrect attempts at answering. “It begins with V,” said the teacher, helpfully. A hand shot up. “Miss, Miss, I know. Viagra Falls.”

Q: Can we make an educated guess why the birth rate is so high in Third World countries? A: Is it because there’s nothing else to do?

Q: Name one measure that can be put in place to avoid flooding in times of excessive rainfall. A: Flooding in areas such as the Mississippi can be avoided by placing a number of big dames into the river.

MUSICAL MAYHEM

A teacher thought that it would be fun to take some of his old vinyl records in to school to show his young pupils.

When he pulled a record out of its sleeve it was greeted by the remark from one student: “Wow, that’s the biggest CD I have ever seen!”

MAD METAPHORS AND SILLY SIMILES A thought-provoking list of proverbs cropped up after six and seven-year-olds were asked to complete these well-known sayings:

● Strike while the... insect is close.

● Don’t bite the hand that... looks dirty.

● Better to be safe than... punch a grade seven boy.

● If you lie down with dogs, you’ll... stink in the morning.

● You can’t teach an old dog new... maths.

● An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

● Where there’s smoke there’s... pollution.

● A penny saved is... not much.

● Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

SHAKY-SPEARE

A GCSE answer stated: “The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter: Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.”

Talking through what would be on a test paper, a teacher said: “When you get to the Shakespeare question...” but he was interrupted by a child exclaiming: “Shakespeare? We’ve not done any Shakespeare! We’ve just been doing that Much Ado thing.”

EXCUSE ME?

Genuine stories for handing in homework late:

A teacher was asking some of her Year Nine students why they hadn’t brought in their homework. Tired of silly excuses, she asked them to be honest.

After some standard “I forgots”, a girl at the back said: “Well Miss, I was copying Jade’s on the bus and left my book on the seat.”

The teacher was left speechless but later admitted: "Well, I asked for honesty."

“Homework? I thought you said housework, so I went home, washed up and hoovered the living room.”

WHO’D BE A TEACHER?

A music teacher who was taking a guitar lesson saw that one of his pupils had a loose string. Just as the headmaster popped his head round the door the unfortunate chap was heard to say to the girl: “Let me put on your G string.”

One departing primary teacher was surprised to receive a card from a pupil that read: “I am sorry you are living.” She is still hoping that it was just bad spelling.

A college lecturer was coming to the end of a course on business and decided to test her students. The first question asked them to explain what a “sole trader” was. One answer came back: “Someone who sells shoes and sandals.”