10.10.2012

Did you know? It’s ok to not be ok. It’s just not ok to stay that way. Abiding is dwelling, yes. And dwelling is leaning into grace and trying scary-risky things and letting go of perfection chasing and knowing this: you are continuing.

-Ellen Jansen Parker

This thought of continuing has been on my mind a lot lately, the idea that I am always a work in progress. God is never finished with me. He is forever teaching me something. Sometimes its things I'm excited about learning, other times its those pesky things I've had to relearn for the 1000th time, and then my friends, there are the times when I'm just flat out refusing to learn something because it sucks(read hurts) too bad. Like how its so much easier in my mind if I just control everything, have everything planned out and my little world will be perfect. Hello, perfect ain't happening...life is hard, its oh so good, but its hard. I'm going to go out a limb here with my vulnerability and confess that until I become a parent, I didn't know what hard was. Until I became a parent, I wasn't really truly forced to live outside myself. Sure marriage teaches you that in all sorts of ways and there are numerous learning curves, fights, make ups and growth. But until I became a mom, nah, until I faced the beast that is postpartum depression I really didn't understand how hard life could be. I had no concept of scary-risky things until I was no longer in control, which is hilarity in and of itself bc seriously, are we ever really in control?

We come from a long line of perfection chasers and control seekers, well not really a long line, just our immediate family but for some reason a long line sounds better, right? We push, we fight, we strive for perfection and then when it doesn't happen, what then? What are we left with? People lined up to applaud us for our failed efforts, congratulatory cheers for trying to do everything on our own accord, or people patting us on the back for attempting to do it all and wearing ourselves out in the process? Nope, silence, and a merciful God that begs the question, why? why are you seeking to go at this alone when I promise to be with you always. why are you demanding perfection of yourself when that is not what I ask of you?

Its taken me and going to take me quite some time, lets be honest, probably my whole life to truly grasp grace, to truly understand what it means to abide in Christ, to let Him control my life and to be ok with being a work in progress...after all aren't we all in the process of continuing. Aren't we all learning to cut ourselves some slack, stop chasing perfection, and lean harder into the grace that only HE can provide?