Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Rumination

You haven’t written in so long…I feared you may
have lost yourself. Have the illusions finally gotten to you?

I thought I
was on a path of self-attainment but I have only succeeded in pushing things
aside that mattered…to me, to my previous conceptions at least, before they
were coloured with promises of a fresh start, a new life, a chance of redemption
and renewal. Not before I had nearly lost sight of my original ideals did I
realise I had fallen for the charms of this world.

But you came back. You always do.

To you,
whom I cannot see anymore. To myself, whom I cannot recognise anymore. I have
changed…in so many ways I cannot even begin to comprehend. To the idealism that
seems even more naïve and defeated than ever before. To the innocence barely
salvaged, struggling to breathe. To my soul, once sparkling with heartfelt emotions,
now burdened under a growing dispassion. To that very ocean, once alive and
turbulent, now morosely becalmed.

Nothing is beyond salvage…

…except may
be these insights, these realisations that hit you to the core, leaving behind
marks difficult to efface, to forget. A knowledge that cannot be unlearned, a
change that can never come undone. And what if I were to tell you that it is
what I stand for now and I know no other way of being anything else?

You prided yourself on your resilience, nothing
ever touching the base you had swore to retain forever.

But the
lines have begun to blur. The distinctions have merged and what was once a
convenient façade has now become an infallible truth, overwhelming the
inconsonant traits into submission. I am unwilling to try and unravel the
carefully placed layers, to seek what may have been lost already.

Are you giving up?

I wonder
what is there to give up. A long-drawn fight that has begun to lose its edge? A
quest for reprisal that seems inconsequential? I give up – not on this life,
not on the dreams that have driven me so far, but on trying to reconcile the
minor triumphs and the wearisome travesties, to fuel the flame of accomplishments
against the ruthless, cut-throat adversaries facing me in their full
glory…or so as I believe. And I resign – to my own pace, to my own voice.

But you will persevere
to rise further, seek perfection in its entirety, and raise yourself beyond
questions and doubts.