Hey, patrons! Sorry about the lack of riff today, I’m going to a convention and between planning, packing, and getting all my work squared away so things don’t blow up while I’m gone, I just ran out of time to do anything for today.

But, fear not, I’ve dived into our massive pile of fanart to bring you something truly special! I give you Albert Wesker as he was always meant to be seen.

Heyo, patrons! This week I have a wonderful crossover for you called Out of Darkness and it’s really, really bad. This wonderful little fic crosses the confusing and obtuse world of Final Fantasy VII with the obtuse and confusing world of Resident Evil in way that’s just… bad. Really, really bad.

How bad? Well, check out the summary.

With Time not on Leon’s side, he races to find a antibody cure for a soon to be victim to a new deadly virus to terrorists, someone who Leon is unawarely closer to, than he is lead to think (Read to find out)not sure if im gonna continue this… nobody is reviewing alot

I’ll just let that sink in while I go pour myself another cup of coffee.

*An eventually later*

Now, you all may be thinking, “Sure, Taco, that’s pretty bad, but this obviously isn’t a native English speaker.” Well, hypothetical voice of the patrons, you would be wrong. See, this particular fanfic writer also happens to have a Youtube channel. I won’t embarrass her by sharing it here, but know that she clearly speaks American English in the videos where she talks. She’s either a native speaker of English, or somebody who is absolutely fluent.

Hey, all! Welcome back to The Beginning a fic that you could design a badfic bingo board on! It’s got almost everything: random capitalization, try hard names, a resident Sue, a potential Awesome McEvil, a generic horror-movie cast, lack of setting, amnesia, forced cliff-hangers, and much more! On the plus side, the chapters are short and the grammar/spelling is far from the worst I’ve ever encountered, so at least there are some building blocks in place.

Last time, stuff happened! I’m not sure I can get more specific than that, but I’ll try. One of Dr. Zomboss’s labs explodes, something named Catastrophe (yes, really) has a few angsty moments, a vampire flower named Vengeance (yes, really) sees the explosion, a search party is called to investigate, and a bunch of horror movie rejects bumble around the exploded remains of the lab for a while. During the bumbling, Vampy falls down a conveiniently placed hole and stumbles upon an electro pea who’s unconscious and suffering from amnesia. And that’s pretty much it.

Salutations, gentle patrons. This week I have a new canon for you all: Plants vs. Zombies. Luckily there isn’t a lot to this canon, so it should be a fairly short infodump; let’s get to that first.

Plants vs. Zombies is a series of games that feature primarily tower-defense style play. For those who haven’t experienced tower-defense, it’s a pretty simple concept: you build things that attack other things that are trying to get to a thing you don’t want them to get to. In this case, you are building plants to kill zombies that are trying to eat your brains. Currently, there are two primary installments to the franchise as well as a small handful of spin-off and over-seas games. For the sake of this fanfiction, we’ll only cover the core games so far as canon goes (such that it is).

The first game has barely any plot to speak of, which is fine since the game has its roots as a simple Popcap game. The main thread of the game is that you’re being attacked by an ever-increasing zombie horde that has been cooked up by an evil zombie scientist: Doctor Zomboss. The ultimate goal is to eat your brains. You’re sorta helped along the way by Crazy Dave, who both acts as a sort of narrator as well as selling you tools, plant seeds, and various other things out of the back of his station wagon. That’s about it.

Plants Vs. Zombies 2 took a different approach and was released as a freemium game. It expands quite a bit on the canon by including a large array of new plants, a much larger progression of levels, as well as introducing an unapologetically shallow plot. In PVZ2, you follow Crazy Dave as he travels through time in order to recover the taco that he’s already eaten so that he can eat it again. Seriously, that’s the plot. Through your misadventures, you travel to a variety of time periods via Penny, Crazy Dave’s sentient time machine (which is little more than an assemblage of old car parts). Through time you’re constantly faced with more of Dr. Zomboss’s hordes which are themed to each time period. Once again, Dr. Z’s primary motivation is kept simple: get your brains. There’s some filler plot that mostly amounts to either tongue-in-cheek jokes or tutorial fodder, but at it’s core, the plot is kept tertiary to the rest of the package.

And that’s really all the plot that there is. There’s a bit more plot available in the spinoff games or overseas games (such as the Chinese PVZ: Online), but that’s like saying there’s a bit more chocolate in a Hershey’s kiss than in an M&M. Sure, it’s true, but neither of those is a chocolate bar.

I await the posting of the obligatory 1-pound Hershey’s kiss.

Now, I told you all that to let you know that the above plot is all mostly irrelevant since this fic appears to be based on the PVZ: Garden Warfare spinoff games and these actually have a lot less plot than the core games. The first two of the PVZ: Garden Warfare games has the plot of: Zombies are trying to take over Suburbia, the plants want to stop them. The second game has the plot of: Zombies have taken over Suburbia, the plants want to free it. There is a sort of story-mode in the second game, but it’s mostly there as a questing system more than something that really provides any amount of deep plot.

Hey, patrons! Welcome back to Adopted, this week we finally finish off this turkey! And then hopefully we can get on to doing some wholesome, cleansing one-shots.

“What about the Raptor and I rewrite?”

Nope.

“But you prom-”

NOPE! Recap!

“Last time the raptors hovered around Annie’s insensate body while waiting for the bruised rib to heal enough for her to regain consciousness. Eventually she did wake up and quickly joined Fitz for some exposition of the previous chapter. Other than a few more blobs of Nedry hate, that was pretty much it.”

Onwards to glory!

“You’re in a strange mood today.”

I had two hours of sleep last night and am already on my fourth coffee! I added espresso to this one! Let’s do this!

Hello, patrons! It’s been another year at the Library, so now it’s time to take a moment to look back at all the suck we’ve waded through in the past year! From a Slenderman in love with a young boy to Anna the Xenomorph, we’ve had a pretty wild year filled with some really, really fucked-up stuff. In order to cope with this, we decided to have you, the patrons, vote on what you thought the worst of the worst was in twenty-six categories overflowing with crapulence.

Before we get started, I thought I’d take a moment to thank all the terrible authors out there that through their effort, or lack of effort as it often turns out to be, makes our little corner of the internet possible. Without you out there doing what you do, we’d have to find something productive to do with our time, and that’s a scary thought. Thank you, badfic authors, we salute you!

*GONG*

And so does Cerbersheep.

Without further ado, let’s load that award cannon and launch some trophies! You all signed the waivers, right?

The Polls are now closed! Thanks to everyone who participated this year. The Sixth Annual Awards Ceremony will be Wednesday in place of Taco’s riff.

It’s that time of year again! Time to vote on the best of the worst in the Sixth Annual Sucktastic Awards! Your Librarians have collected and nominated the worst fics across twenty four categories of failure! The polls are now open, so get in there and let us know which fics you think are bad enough to win our utmost revulsion!