FAKE NEWS: TOP STORIES

Harper could not be reached for comment, but he is believed to be hiding out at his secret underground lair with John Baird, doing… stuff. Netanyahu was pleased with Harper, but he also had constructive criticism for Harper, “He gives a nice stroke job, but he doesn’t use enough coconut oil. And if you know me, you know I go crazy for that stuff. I practically bathe in coconut oil, I even put it in my breakfast cereal”.

US President Barack Obama makes State of the Union address – praises Beyonce, Jay-Z for show-stealing Grammy performance; warns of coming war with the Decepticons

The President had a lot to say in his exclusive sit down interview in this month’s Penthouse Magazine after the speech, “I love Bey and Jay-Z. But fuck Daft Punk, they sound like a dolphin choking on electric dildo. How am I supposed to fuck Mrs. Obama to that shit? I can’t get my dick hard to these robot jack-offs”

The president also revealed our latest enemy was not at home or abroad, but from another world, “We must unite as a nation to stop the Decepticons. We know they are spying on us. We caught them while listening into Lindsey Graham’s awkward phone sex calls to Marcus Bachmann,” Obama said. “Look, if anyone is going to spy on our citizens, it’s going to be me. I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to let some dickfaced alien washing machines get in on my action”, Obama said.

WWE fans ask for change; get dick slapped by Triple H and McMahon family instead

WWE COO Triple H was unapologetic about his decision to keep the red hot Daniel Bryan out of the Royal Rumble match on Sunday night, “It’s really hard ignoring hundreds of thousands of your fans in hundreds of arenas across the globe, but giving my friends the main event push is what’s best for business. I owe those guys, besides, they have compromising photos,”

When asked if Triple H made the right call, the WWE Universe responded in unison, “NO!”. When asked what they thought of Randy Orton, they chanted “Randy Savage”.