My grandfather used to say that if you don’t use your brain, you might as well have two asses. A Florida woman who recently decided to get a super-discount butt-enhancement was apparently trying for a third ass.

A nightclub worker, the woman wanted cheap plastic surgery to get a curvier body, which to her meant a bigger butt. She found somebody to do the work: “Look here, girl, I know this tranny who will give you an ass to die for!”

The tranny, Oneal Ron Morris, is a man who says he’s a woman and has been “practicing medicine” for some time now. Oneal was passing himself off as a doctor whose specialty was augmenting the human derriere. Oneal’s technique took “Fix-A-Flat” to a whole new level, as he actually injected the emergency tire-repair product in this woman’s obviously European—ergo flat—ass.

“Better a flat ass than a dull personality.”

I don’t blame Oneal for all of this, as the woman seeking a new butt at rock-bottom prices must assume some fault here. So do all the other would-be butt-enhancers who came out of the woodworks after the first woman went public complaining about her cement-injected caboose.

Let’s walk through this. Since Oneal had no home, he texts you the location where you show up at his mobile “operating room.” He admits you into the clinic—skipping all those trifles such as checking your blood pressure—and goes right to work, pulling out a can of FIX-A-FLAT!

I think at this point I might have had a question or two about the “procedure.”

“Excuse me, Dr. Tranny…uh, but do you think injecting my butt with Fix-A-Flat is SAFE?! I’m sorry for asking, but should something that is meant to keep polyisoprene operating at 100MPH really be good for MUSCLE? I don’t mean to sound skeptical, but are there any clinical trials that prove this radical new procedure’s efficacy?”

Dr. Tranny was charging $700, far less than one would pay for a reputable butt-enhancement surgeon. Still, it was a bit less pricey than the foaming-insulation procedure Oneal used for anorexics.

I don’t know much about the tranny world except that they are wonderful at teaching women how to fake us unsuspecting dudes into buying them drinks. I have watched Maury enough to know that I can no longer tell trannies from women, and I have just started guessing the opposite of what my gut tells me. Despite how tricky trannies are these days in fooling me about their gender, I would not go to just any old tranny for plastic surgery of any kind.

All this could have been avoided if this zany tranny had only known about Jamaican chicken pills. Yes, America, rich white women have been frittering away their fortunes to buy plastic-surgery Kardashian butts. The same cosmetic effect could be achieved with the extract from a bird that eats its own doo-doo.

I’d rather take a hundred kicks to the tuchis to get that bubble effect. It couldn’t hurt any worse than what the tranny did.

How many other Fix-A-Flat asses are running around out there? What about lip injections and breast augmentations? Don’t men have enough to worry about without having to wonder when we have to take our women to Jiffy Lube for maintenance?

And what’s with all the fakeness—fake hair, fake nails, fake noses, fake breasts, fake faces, and now fake asses? I know quite a few men who LOVE flat asses. You could iron your clothes on my friend’s wife’s ass, yet he adores her tush. He doesn’t understand how any man could be enamored of a round rump. Personally, I prefer a bit more cushion, but to each his own ass.

But why try life-threatening plastic surgery when somewhere out there lurks a man whose tastes perfectly fit your body shape? There are many men with many tastes for many shapes: Men who like very thin women, very large women, tall, short, and so on. If your hindquarters are super-thin, somewhere in the dating world is a man who craves exactly that.

What most women don’t understand is that ultimately it what’s inside that makes a man desire you for the long haul. He may want your body, but just as that’s superficial, it’s also temporary. Personalities last a lifetime. Better a flat ass than a dull personality.

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