Hey there! So I'm writing this as I read, and everything will most likely read disconnected and not have any fluency to it at all.

I like the opening passages and the sorrow which you so beautifully convey, but I have to admit it's kind of confusing. When you refer to people by only their appearance, it gets really confusing to keep up with who's who, and I think that often, only one initial appearance description is enough to suffice. When you overuse it, it, again, gets confusing and turns people off immediately (believe me, I've been told-off for it many a time XD)

I really liked the description of Marlene and how she affected the friendships of the group. In so little words you created an entire character who I can see, know, relate to. I think it's because you described her as a friend would describe her, not as a narrator would, and that voice put more life into her than a narrator could.

She lifted it to eye level, toasting herself. She was throwing a pity party, one invite only. Drink and cry, wash away the tears, drown the sadness. Life was a bitch, why not drink to her health?

Most likely the most brilliant line I've ever read, where pity parties are concerned. To this point the most prominent thing I'm noticing is how consistent the changes in emotions are. Nothing is abrupt, as sadness usually goes (one second they're sad, the next they're angry, the next their weeping uncontrollably...), but everything really flows together so that the reader is feeling the emotions with the character, and not just getting slapped in the face with them. To add, as I've--as has most of the world--been in that place where a noisy bar and a good beer is all you want, I think you really... portrayed that well. As bars are the most common settings I've seen in the fictions I read, I think you've really played on all the right tones (explaining why she went there, her treatment to the bartender, the quoted line).

Another thing that I do often:

“Insult you?” snarled Sirius, his temper finally flaring

You slipped PoV, or perspective, or whatever. The way you've written it, it describes his emotion as he or a narrator would describe it, not Lily. As we're seeing and hearing Lily's voice, she would have to say something along the lines of "She could see his temper flaring" or "his eyes burned with a finally flaring temper" or just something that describes it from Lily's point of view. It's such a small and insubstantial line, but to the nitpicker like me (who's gotten told a hundred times over that I don't keep PoV up) it stands out.

I've found what's been poking me this whole time:

Dorcas’s eyes flashed. “I wasn’t offering it,” she snapped.

You have a really good knack for characterization; not canon-wise, just person-wise. Attitudes aren't flat and continuous, but they actually change as people's actually do. I'm not quite sure how to elaborate on that, but it's really refreshing to read.

Halt, it's the spelling police! (Yeah, I'm kind of corny)

Dorcas nodded. “I hope you decided to; you need to get out of here.”

Surprised danced across his face at the sight of her, but he grinned easily. “Hey, Lily.”

So overall I really enjoyed this, but the ending wasn't quite what I expected (I'm not really sure what I expected, so I can't image that's of much help. :D) One thing I could point out though is that there wasn't an... ending, to Sirius and Lily's relationship-- it didn't have any finality. I know that her going to James is supposed to be that finality, but... I don't know. To end this lamely, I really enjoyed reading this. :)

-Ari

Reviewer: fg_weasley Date: 04/09/09 3:04 Chapter: As the Dawn Breaks

Oh, Mere. [hugs]

Now you know my love for Sirius/Lily. And you know my love of your writing. So you know I had to come and read this. And holy cheese and rice am I glad I did. You make me proud to be a Sirius/Lily shipper, my dear.

First, I have to squee a bit at the fact that the prompt that I posted was the inspiration for this masterpiece. It makes me smile; not just because I posted it, but because its Janet Fitch. Isn’t it such a beautiful, wonderful, Janet Fitch-y quote? LOL. And I had hoped this quote would be used for Sirius/Lily, because that was who I had in mind when I put up that quote. :D You definitely did it justice, dear.

Anyway. Enough of that and back to your actual story.

The way you set up the scene at the beginning was great, because it not only set up the picture, but it set up the mood as well. Having the news of Marlene’s death as its own, solitary paragraph was excellent stylistically. It gave the news that much force and it was perfect.

I really like that you kept their identities vague at the beginning. Rather than say Lily, James, and Sirius you kept it much more interesting and showed great charactization, such as here:

The other, though, kept his face solid and unwavering, completely emotionless. Once or twice, but no more than that, grief would cloud his eyes for a second. The only other emotion he showed was a hint of worry as his gaze shifted from his drink on the table to the crying redhead on the other side of his hazel-eyed friend.

I like that part because you show that Sirius doesn’t hide his emotions, per se, but he doesn’t wear them on his sleeve as Lily does. From this paragraph I just got this utter sense of Sirius. Its overwhelming, and I think that is why it shows such great charactization. The reader knows exactly who it is without the author having said it outright. Well done.

The firecracker peddler who could distract everyone in an instant if Sirius or Lily said something too intimate or made a wrong gesture that could’ve let their secret out.

I really loved this hint. It made me smile. :D I also like that it shows that Sirius and Lily trusted her enough to know of their secret. In my experience of writing and reading this pairing, I don’t think they’ve ever told anyone – it’s always only been between them. I like the twist you have, and the way you wove in Marlene. This is a great hint early on to Marlene’s part in the story, which is strengthened later by the flashbacks.

The characterizations were, I thought, well done. Little things, like the paragraph I mentioned above, really show how well you know both Lily and Sirius. This made me laugh: “It’s whatever was in the cupboard.” He gave her a lopsided smile. “I think I like fuck buddy a lot better—it has a nice ring to it.” Yet at the same time, I really think it is something Sirius would say, and especially something that would make Lily roll her eyes or not acknowledge at all, which is exactly what you have her do.

As I said before, you really handled the quote well. I think you showed both emotions – love and hate – vividly, and I like the way you played with both. I think the best part, for me, and the best example, is here: “I hate him,” she whispered to the still room. Something stirred in her as the words broke the haunting quiet. Encouraged by the feeling, she said it again, louder, “I hate him.” The raw emotion is there, in that whole scene, and you know your ability to portray emotion is what I love most about your writing in general. You did not fail here.

The end, of course, I simultaneously liked and disliked. I disliked it only because I’m biased and partial to Sirius/Lily and James is a prat. Lol. However, getting down to the actual writing and the story, I liked it. It was a great way to show Lily and James ultimately together, thus adhering to canon, yet still showing a bit of a connection between Sirius and Lily. After all, one thing love and hate have in common is deep feeling. But I also liked that you didn’t make it seem like she was only going with James because Sirius told her she should; I like to believe that, even though I dislike the pair, Lily went with James because she truly loved him. And with your end you showed the beginnings of that. Well done, dear.

Two things:

Sirius sighed and rand his hands through his hair.

Should be ran, not rand.

Lily rolled her eyes, the thudding in her head starting up again—the bassist had founded the unplugged cord.

Found, instead of founded? Also, while I’m here, I liked the metaphor of the band in her head – nice touch.

Oh, Mere. This was very, very good. Very real, very evocative. Angsty, but not excessively so, with a hopeful ending and a few light touches to balance it.

You seem to have a gift for characterisation. Even Marlene, without really appearing in the fic, has a personality - caring and mischievous. She just leaps off the screen. Lily's emotions when she's in her flat before going to the bar are very realistic to me, too, her grief and utter desperation. You really made me feel what she was feeling. Later on, as well, when she's feigning being okay and almost babbling - that was an excellent touch, and would be humourous if it wasn't all a cover for Lily's immense pain. James - oh, I felt sorry for him, poor sweet naive James. You were true to his character: trusting in his best friend and so in love with Lily that he didn't notice anything between them. And Sirius... well, you managed to avoid making him a total cliche, while still having him as a seducer. Well done! He was complex, too: I wasn't quite sure whether to be charmed or repulsed. The latter, I think. The way he seemed respectful to Marlene but then seemed to be not just celebrating her memory, but actually taking advantage of the Lily's state to seduce her... he wastes no time, and it seems to be a calculated move, not one fueled by alcohol, which makes him quite a jerk, really. And then his claims of having to end things with her because he loved her - well, it's impossible to know how truthful he is there, hmm...

You come up with fantastic metaphors, as well. I loved the band/headache one. However, I must say it seemed a bit awkward having that play such a prominent role in one passage of the fic (especially as it's quite Muggle-ish) but not appearing anywhere else - it could have been really effective if you'd woven it in earlier and had music as a theme tying the whole fic together. Anyway, I also adored this passage:

Determination, anger, and hatred surged through her, powering her up out of her chair and into the shower. She washed off a week of sweat, tears, and heartbreak. She scrubbed away the drowning grief of Marlene’s murder. She rinsed off the life-sucking power of Sirius’s sugar-coated, I-love-you break up.

Just... *loves*. The repetition of 'she' makes it cohesive, but the different washing-related words give it variation... wow, it's just really well-written and empowering.

You captured the passion of Sirius and Lily's encounter very well without being graphic, too.

Unfortunately, there were a few spots where I thought the writing could be more polished - things could be clearer and more eloquently expressed. For example, in the opening passage, I think you overused descriptions of eyes to refer to the characters. And in the very first passage, 'group' and 'seemed' kept appearing - I don't think the last sentence really needs to be there, actually. Perhaps you need to focus a bit on keeping your writing simple - your expressiveness and wonderful plot and characterisation will still be there even when you cut out a few words.

I loved how you used the quote and the pairing and came up with this fantastic unique fic that puts James, Lily and Sirius into new lights - and fits with canon! You explored the fine line dividing love and hatred, and I like that in the end Sirius' behaviour provided the means of Lily coming to appreciate James.

All in all, Mere, your storytelling is fantastic. This was a well-constructed fic with excellent characterisation and grasp on emotions. Chipping away just a tiny bit more will make your gems sparkle even more brightly :)

Aww! Mere, you know I loved it, because I love all of your other fics, but I felt soooooooooo unbelieveably bad for Sirius. Siriusly! (I'm done with the bad puns now...) It was brilliantly written, the emotions were portrayed amazingly, and I can just see this happening in canon. The grief I feel for Sirius, however, is immense. But, due to the wonderfulness of the rest of the story overshadowing the grief, I will forgive you. ;)Are you planning to write a companion fic to this? Like, a sequel, or maybe what Sirius does after Lily throws him out? Ooh or maybe a prequel! Haha sorry... It was great, though! {BeccA}

I liked this - I’ve read a few Sirius/Lily fics lately, and this one was quite different. I really didn’t expect their relationship to just, well, end. I can see why Sirius left, but I can also see it from Lily’s point of view.

The way you compared Lily’s headache from the drinking to a band thumping in her head was good - and I liked how you kept this idea consistent throughout that scene. And, I know Lily blows her top eventually, but the first time she sniped at him, I didn’t see why she didn’t follow it through - push the point.

The quote in the beginning was really well chosen - it fit with your story like a glove. And the end was nice - I like how you made it fit with canon like that, and after a rather angsty story, her going to James and getting a new flatmate showed that there was a way forward.

She stood up, like a spring uncoiling.

I love that line - the imagery is really quite strong for something so simple.

Nit-picks:

“I’m serious, Lily.” She could practically feel him willing her to take him seriously. - you repeat ‘serious’ and that made me stop.

She dropped her purse on her only table in the kitchen, a tube of lipstick and a pen rolling out. - I’d suggest a semi-colon instead of a comma, and ‘rolled’. It would make more sense, I think. Also, ‘pen’ is rather Muggle. I know Lily is Muggle-born, but I wouldn’t imagine her taking a pen to the Hog’s Head.

She swallowed again shaking her head, but it didn’t help. - a comma after ‘again’ would work well, I think.

No! her mind yelled. No! Not possible. Marly wouldn’t—couldn’t die. - I think you meant to italicise ‘no’ and possibly a hyphen after ‘couldn’t’?

the long bar that stretched the back wall. - ‘stretched along/across’?

Sirius’s eyes hardened as he gave the barman a hard look. - it would be better without the repetition of ‘hard’.

Sirius sighed and rand his hands through his hair. - ‘ran’.

the bassist had founded the unplugged cord. - do you mean ‘found’?

She lifted her head, eyes glistening, and looked at Dorcas’s tender pair. - after reading this line a couple of times I got it, but at first I didn’t realise ‘tender pair’ meant eyes. To clear it up ‘into’ might work better than ‘at’. Not sure.

“But I thought you would want some time,” she said smiling a little. - a comma after ‘said’.

She turned at walked down the hall - ‘and’ and not ‘at’.

Surprised danced across his face at the sight of her - ‘surprise’.

Also, you mentioned a fridge at one point, but also a pantry. I don’t know much about what they provide you in flats, etc, but to me a fridge seems rather Muggle. It is electrical, after all. I probably wouldn’t have noticed that though if it weren’t for the FFTF discussion. XD