Obituaries include fear of Vick, Romney 2012

I hate to be a buzzkill on this lovely Monday, but it is time, once again, for some obituaries. So sad, so sad ...

Paying Attention to What Really Matters in America

Paying Attention to What Really Matters in America died after a long illness last Monday night. It was 236 years old. Paying Attention to What Really Matters in America was struck down after Golden Tate’s offensive pass interference/non-catch was ruled a touchdown and the Seattle Seahawks beat the Green Bay Packers in an early-season NFL game. Moments after the ruling and for days afterwards, Americans were apoplectic over horrible call and the referee lockout. Meanwhile, 15 million American children continued to live in poverty. Paying Attention to What Really Matters in America is survived by Snookiand the Kardashian sisters, including the two underage ones.

Funny Asides about Mayors Tony Mack and John Bencivengo

Funny asides about Mayors Tony Mack and John Bencivengo died Thursday after John Smith, 39, of Robbinsville, became the 100,000th Mercer County bar patron to say to a neighboring bar patron “… and they should put them in the same cell!” Funny Asides about Mayors Tony Mack and John Bencivengo are survived by cracks about Gov. Chris Christie’s weight.

Mitt Romney’s Presidential Hopes

Mitt Romney’s Presidential Hopes died of idiocy last week. It was six years old. Romney first wanted to be president back in 2008, but he was beaten back by John McCain. Fast forward a few years, and Republicans found themselves with a slate of possible candidates that made most of America laugh, thus securing Romney’s rise to the top of the ticket. Things were going along swimmingly enough, until the idiocy overtook Romney with his statement that 47 percent of Americans believe they are entitled to food. And that wasn’t even the idiot part; it was the fact he thought saying something like that might not make YouTube. Mitt Romney’s Presidential Hopes are survived by a giggling Chris Christie, who’s off in the shadows rubbing his hands together thinking about 2016.

Fear of Michael VickThe Fear of Michael Vick died last Sunday in Arizona. It was 12 years old. Ever since his debut in the NFL in 2001, opposing defenses got all nervous and jerky when forced to play against Vick. But now? He’s 32, his skill-set has been duplicated by a many NFL quarterbacks, and defenses have adjusted themselves to fight against the ever-mobile, yet growing-older, Vick. Vick is survived by Cam Newton, Robert Griffin III, Aaron Rodgers, and watch out for that Christian Ponder kid up in Minnesota. He’s the real deal.

My YouthMy youth died the other day when my son jumped on my back, which caused my neck to strain, which hurt really bad. And then, while compensating for the neck pain, my lower back started hurting, which led to walking funny, which led to pain in both knees. Now my feet hurt, and my neck is still killing me. My Youth was 40 and is survived by impending sciatica and eating dinner at 3:45 p.m. sharp every day.

Permission to SmilePermission to Smile died suddenly last week. Born at the dawn of man and, excepting for a few minutes there after the whole Eve-apple incident, humans had the option to smile whenever they wanted, especially during the taking of photographs. And then the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission informed state residents they could no longersmile for their driver’s license pictures, as it interferes with facial recognition software. Permission to Smile is survived by Big Brother and soon-to-be annoyed MVC employees imploring wisenheimers to “stop smiling, come on, just quit it.”