ChristWire warns “Pot Smoking Radicals Are Using the Internet to Turn America Into a Socialist Sex Utopia”

This is such a good piece of satire I had to share; you really must go click the link and read it for yourself. I’ve read so many reefer madness pieces that aren’t too far removed from this article that I had to click around the site for a while to figure out it was a satire. The first clue was the “ChristWire” book for sale with a recommendation from God (“This book is as powerful as Mine”) and the clincher was the article “Do Christians Have the Largest Penises?” Still, I’ve read some “What About The Children?!?” screeds that aren’t too different than this one:

…[Y]oung people will do anything for this grungy skanky weed. They will lie and cheat. They will steal car stereos or trade their delicate, yearning bodies to bearded ex-cons. They will flirt with biker gangs or cruise skid row. And once they grab hold of a bag of this deadly drug, they become paranoid and greedy, often turning to violence to knock off their fellow addicts so they will have more for themselves. To do their smoking, teens and 20-somethings seek out the very places that a serial killer would likely prowl– empty parking lots and abandoned buildings. Just imagine your kids falling asleep, knocked out on drugs, as unknown pedophiles watch from nearby bushes…

You have to watch out for those unknown pedophiles. The ones wearing the pedophile name badges are much easier to spot.

Do you remember the ONDCP ads that warned about unwanted pregnancy if you smoked weed? Well, that’s because marijuana is a gateway… to Onanism!

The mind is thus released from any moral boundaries and sex naturally ensues. Paganistic, hedonistic orgies of lust perversion where no hole is left unviolated. The thrill of sadomasochistic carnal insanity is the great addiction of the toker. Penetrating each other for days, slobbering like wolves gorging on a carcass, the stain of their fluids on every wall will grow tacky before the hippie party ends. They will return to this again and again until they no longer know what sex is, what decency is, what America is. Or else they release themselves through constant, violent masturbation. Yes, self-gratification is a chronic disease of the weed wanton. Trapped in a world where only the hand and the genitalia exist, neither hurricanes nor death can unlock the grasp of the marijuana masturbator before it’s time.

It’s a wonder I’m even able to type this. (By the way, did you know “stewardesses” is one of the longest words you can type with only your left hand on the home keys? How helpful is that?)

God and Country have been sacrificed because our young people would rather hang out on the couch, changing the channel from Christ to cartoons, stripping down to their dirty jockstraps and unclasping corpulent bras so they can grope each other in stoned fantasy lands of “free love” fetish play where every finger finds a hole, every mouth finds a nipple. God forbid our enemies invade, they would discover our hearty children fornicating in every corner of this country, drugged out of their minds, bare behinds in the wind… And knowing the lusty and immoral cravings of those swarthy barbarians, they would most likely jump right in and ride our young heathens off into the sunset of America’s greatness, slapping and howling to Allah all the way.