Wondering if an idea from another family might help yours?
You might already do this, so please ignore

These people decided they were tired if arguments
So they made a long list of tasks, when they needed doing and family volunteered for those jobs they didn't mind doing. They have 3 children and 3 adults (Grandpa who is grouchy shares house)
Even Grandpa elected to be responsible for a few things

It took a while to settle but seems to work OK now
They also hold family nights, where any problems such as a child going on camp means someone else gets to cover task
Homework is prioritised. After much debate, has a set time, before the television is switched on

Hear you regarding the lose/ lose scenario when a person apparently wins
Is your wife open to ground rules?
Admitting she wants to win is a huge insight, now to sharing the winner's spot with you and children....

One aspect of fighting I heard very recently was to call unfair when the person strayed off present moment topic. Takes agreement that today we are discussing X and X only
I don't know how that theory applies to real life, but the radio counsellor commented that he has assisted many couples with fair ways to fight and to make up afterwards

I know I was confused when my parents argued at night then were OK next day - never saw any patching up of differences, so when this man said about either fight away from children or discuss openly with children present, and include child/ren in the process, it was an aha moment for me

Wishing you and family very well

Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

Things have not really been progressing well lately. I've held off writing here because I had really done nothing to help myself up to now.

My wife has had some health concerns that make her foggy, forgetful and lethargic. We've also been very busy with a positive but time consuming project one of our kids has been involved with. As a result, I've been doing more and receiving less. Less affection, less help, less gratitude, less thoughtfulness, less time, etc.. I was already starting at a deficit, so this has not been good.

My wife has been mentioning that we should have some time together (euphemism for having sex - our only real affectionate time) for weeks - but it never happens for a variety of reasons. This morning we slept in, and I dozed and read until about 10 am when I could no longer sit still. As I quietly got up my wife woke up and asked where I was going. I said it was 10 and probably time to get up. She said she had been thinking about spending time together, and why didn't I wake her up? The real reason is that I'm not putting myself in a position to be turned down anymore and certainly wasn't going to wake her out of a sound sleep only to be refused or to have some half hearted sex, but I just told her she was sleeping soundly and I didn't think it was cool to wake her. She then suggested that we send the kids out somewhere to have time alone, to which I was non-committal. Our daughter has been a ill and our son is hard to motivate, so it seemed an unlikely plan.

Then she asked if I was angry with her.

I told her I was disappointed, because the things I keep saying I need were not happening. I said that I think she would agree that when she tells me of something she needs, I make it a priority - but my needs do not appear to be a priority for her. She started to make excuses and I told her that I knew and that I had already applied every reason I could think of - because the alternative is that she doesn't care enough to try to meet my needs. She apologized and said I was right and she could see how I would see it that way. Then she asked what she could do to fix it - should we go out, etc.? i told her I didn't want any immediate or grand unsustainable gestures, but daily thoughtfulness. All of this is just the gist - I gave examples.

She did end up getting the kids out and we spent the afternoon watching a favorite show and having drinks. It's a start.

I am fairly sure I am now officially talking to myself here, but I do feel a responsibility to leave breadcrumbs for some future loved one who comes along.

Short version: The journey of a loved one alongside their survivor can be a long and arduous one - but it CAN get better. I offer myself as proof.

Judging by the dates on this thread, I started posting on isurvive about 6 years ago. Things had already been going seriously awry about 9 years ago, though warning signs had been there since the beginning and I did not know to heed them.

This weekend we celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. We spent it away at a hotel in a resort area. My wife has reason to be anxious in hotel rooms, but we were able to be intimate, and she made a point of being naked in the room as much as possible (there was a hot tub in the room). We've been intimate once a week (though still on a rigid schedule) but have added some new things to the repertoire. I think that such change at 20 years is pretty spectacular.

All this to say that significant improvement can be made if both survivor and loved one put the work in. Have we achieved perfection? No. Are we often better off than "normal" couples around us? Yes, because we have learned the skills and done the work.

It all comes down to the fact that we were both willing to do whatever it took to ensure that our children had the family that we both lacked. Honestly, we both probably idealized those around us and overshot what the average family relationships actually are - with good results. If both of our kids go on to create healthy relationships, we've succeeded in everything we set out to do.

Hi, The Husband,
I don't come to this site much any more. But I am encouraged to see you still posting and whenever I do read, I always read this thread. Thank you for your words and your work in your family. Your story is important to many.
Rebecca

Last edited by Serenity on Wed Mar 22, 2017 1:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason:Changed MT to NT

I still wander through looking for new Loved Ones, but otherwise I'm still fighting the good fight. My story now is pretty much a cycle with setbacks but overall improvement over time - not a terribly interesting read, but perhaps useful to someone who is earlier in their journey.

My wife is back to Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation therapy, having become anhedonic but not so much depressed this time. It worked pretty well last time and her "low" is not so deep this time. She's doing better at getting out of bed, and has mostly gotten the message that it is not okay to burden me with every mundane task.

The TMS is not working, and in fact my wife's mood is worsening. There are also some migraines and sleeplessness. They're reverting to the previous machine (they have been using a newer, stronger, more focused machine) in hopes of turning this around. there are anecdotal reports of this happening with those who had used the old machine and then had trouble tolerating the new version. Here's hoping.

As usual, sex has ceased. This wouldn't be a big deal except that sex is really our only affection.There are quick hugs, quick pecks, but otherwise it's massages that I provide and are rarely reciprocated. The moral of this story is: strive to have other safe forms of affection that sustain yourselves.