2005-12-31

As promised in the previous posting (promised, threatened, its really a fine line), here is my little rundown on sports team cheering (not especially related to hockey, mind you) from the perspective of a hardcore Alberta Separatist.

Being in Edmonton, it should come as no surprise this team ranking:#1 - Edmonton Oilers

What will come as a shock is the second place team. Understand that when you grew up around Red Deer there were devotees to both major Albertan cities, but the rivalry still requires some shock to learn this team's ranking:#2 - Calgary Flames

From here, recall that amoung the many things I want an Independent Alberta to do, one of them involves the annexation and administration of Lotusland and it isn't hard to figure out this next ranking:#3 - Vancouver Canucks

As a conservative, of course, I am honour bound to remember the glory days: when the world was better (revolutionary as I may be). I have a portrait of Queen Elizabaeth hanging in my home, I shun the "half-Windsor" knot, and opposed the designated hitter rule. As a result, the next class of team I support is a group-job, in no particular order: (ie. the first team isn't "more favourite" than the last team)#4, #5, #6, #7, #8 - Boston Bruins, Chicago Blackhawks, Detroit Red Wings, Montreal Canadians, New York Rangers

Now things get a little less clear. The "favourite teams" list becomes an even bigger smear-job, encompassing the remaining American teams. I bring to you, again in no special order (even less special than the previous order which was alphabetical):#9 through #28 - Atlanta Thrashers, New York Islanders, Buffalo Sabres, Tampa Bay Lightning, Florida Panthers, Carolina Hurricanes, Los Angeles Kings, San Jose Sharks, Colorado Avalanche, Dallas Stars, Minnesota Wild, St. Louis Blues, Columbus Blue Jackets, Nashville Predators, Philadelphia Flyers, Pittsburgh Penguins, Washington Capitals, Anaheim Mighty Ducks, New Jersey Devils, Phoenix Coyotes

Here's where this list goes beyond the range of petty nationalism and into the range of hyper-petty nationalism. You see, I hate the province of Ontario. Not even in a Three Dead Trolls sort of way. I mean an utter hatred. Their Liberal leanings, their Molson-loving Canadian patriotism, their hinterland contempt, and their smug overbearing assumption that they are the be-all and end-all of the universe. Therefore, her teams get special hatred at the bottom of the hockey pile. And though I do hate the notion of ever cheering for Ottawa, the city of federal government sleaze and corruption and taxation, there is an even greater bottom-feeder, leaving only one spot on the list for this team:#29 - Ottawa Senators

Finally we come to the end of this little rag-tag band. The finale of hockey adoration amoungst those of us who are truely Albertan Nationalists. Bearing in mind that this team should be classed as #N, with N being the number of hockey teams in the explorable universe. If the planet ChildRapist send its hockey team entirely made up of telemarketers, I would cheer for the ChildRapist Telemarketeres over this team. It is the lowest of the low, the bottom of the barrel, the dispicable team that I hate not only because I hate her province, and because I hate her city, but I also hate the mindless drones that constitute her fans. Way too many old-timers and 80s-imports from Ontario still cheer this team on even against their home city, and consider it their "second favourite" team. (This is true not only in Edmonton but also Calgary and Vancouver, with Winnipeg likely getting the same treatment) This team is mud, it is garbage, I cheer whenever it loses.#30 - Toronto Maple Leafs

And that, in a nutshell, is my rankings based purely on political opposition. Its a neat and tidy system really. If Colorado plays Boston I cheer on Boston, but if Boston turns around and plays Vancouver than I shall cheer for the west-coasters. The one flaw I've found in the plan (other than the aforementioned dilemna of not being able to put Ottawa at the bottom) is that the original six (five) requirement brings in such an eastern-based swing to it. It is rather tempting to re-adjust the middle slots, making #9-18 the western American teams, and #19-28 the eastern American teams, just to balance it out. I may make that slight alteration, but who knows.