Spoof news stories from Tuesday 27 April 2010

Los Angeles- Levi Johnston, fresh off his stunningly forgettable Playgirl shoot, announced to a packed press conference of 3 or 4 reporters that he was ready to take the exploitation of his fortunate teenage liaison with the daughter of former Vice P...

Bargis Tryhol, the man with the world's largest penis, was discharged from hospital early yesterday, and he's already ruffling feathers among the great unwashed on the European side of the Atlantic.
Tryhol, has spent the best part of a week in rec...

London, ENGLAND: Nothing can stop the seemingly unstoppable cyborg financial assassin Gordon Brown, who has been sent back from the year 2029 by a collective of artificially intelligent computer-controlled machines bent on the financial exterminatio...

In addition to the absurd things that Cambridge are doing to increase congestion in the city, traffic calming ideas are sprouting all over the place.
A Spokesperson said, "the best form of traffic calming is another vehicle coming the other way, s...

Zurich - (RIP mess): For decades the Dignit-arse Clinic of Zurich has prided itself on its funeral parlor pledge of beautiful endings in tasteful surroundings.
Last weekend police divers were called out to Lake Zurich after some crab fishermen ina...

Naysayers pointed with alarm today as Financial Markets reacted to the down grading of Greece's ability to repay enormous loans, rating their bonds S-8, which unofficially is lower than whale shit on the bottom of the ocean.
Also down graded was...

I like animals, I really do. But I don't believe in getting all sentimental about them. As an avid consumer of beef, lamb, chicken, pork etc - I just think it would be a bit hypocritical to pretend to be an animal 'lover.'
But then I don't think animals should be caged either. A python or a rabbit or whatever looks far better in its natural environment than behind bars or glass. A bird looks be...

KALAMAZOO, Michigan - Disney Channel super star and singing sensation Brenda Song was in town as the official Grand Marshall of Kalamazoo's 49th Annual Automotive Parts Parade.
The 22-year-old recently had a world wide number one hit single with t...

London - (Maypole): The countdown to Saturday's Pagan New Year's Day sees the Twilight star invited to a Walpurgis Night rave high up on London's Hampstead Heath.
Not to be outdone by Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Cordelia Chase being crowned May Que...

Before the final of this years IPL cricket season the chairman, after being hounded by the press, told the world and Indian cricket fans that he is in no way corrupt, but certainly loves bowling a "dodgy, bendy googly"!
It is one of the best well...

Tiger Woods, determined to spike rumors that he has been having carnal knowledge with himself, agreed to scotch tape his hands to his bedsheets. Having tired of answering questions about his sex life and finding it impossible to arrange clandestine...

Overwhelmed during the first two debates, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has canceled the final debate, claiming his schedule as Prime Minister. Instead, he has decided on a Dancing With The Stars kind of contest where each candidate will perform a dan...

NYC (Agencies): Even a win at the Bethpage Black Golf Course here in New York City didn't temper Tiger Woods' temper at what he described as 'defamation' by the long-deceased English poet William Blake.
"It's bad enough that the media's been pla...

- WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS WANKING AND SEXUAL REFERENCES TO SEX AND SHIT-
Part 1|Part 2|Part 3| Part 4
Part 5
Street - 6.58AM
O' Halloran, Chief McMurtagh, Time-traveling English gentleman detective Pip and sultry Detective Suicide Jones leave the apartment to the crime scene investigation crew and wander back to their cars.
The Chief opens the door, but pauses before g...

Nick Clegg tells the nation time and time again that they, the electorate are the kingmakers, not him.
The three wise men, Brown, Cameron and Clegg are not being honest about the cuts we should all expect, no matter who triumphs in the General Ele...

In a new Reality Show that will emphasize athletic ability over mental vapidness,TLC announced the first showdown between an All Star Cast of women's 'soft ball' contestants recruited from the Entertainment Industry.
Due to morbid interest in the...

After many debates with his mates, Scot, Gary McPhail, has worked out that England, will fail to win the World Cup without help.
Seven things need to be done for England to win the World Cup In June.
1) Dawn French is appointed goalkeeper so that there is little or no room for the opposition to score a goal.
2) The referee, and linesmen would need to all be English so all disputed decisio...

Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatics were last night starting yet another collection to buy her old council house. The house will then be dismantled brick-by-brick and rebuilt in California, where it will be blessed and turned into a shrine. It wil...

New York, NY-- All air traffic came to an immediately halt today, following reports of new solar eruptions. All flights have been suspended until at least next week, or until government scientists say is is safe. Government scientists fear a massiv...

In a matter of seconds the entire perception of the Vatican was changed when Pope Benedict did the unthinkable but also the most miraculous item a pontiff could embrace. In succumbing to the natural order of men and women the Pope met, married, and c...

San Bernardino, CA - When Sarah Palin was approached back in September of last year to speak at a gathering of Christian nudists who were interested in opening a nudist chapter of the Tea Party Movement, she respectfully declined, not wanting to upse...

Responding to the criticism of all Social Services departments across the UK over the handling of the Baby P case, West Nowhere Social Services are taking a much more pro-active approach.
"We do not want to be caught with our pants down," a spokes...

Aging Cougar Manager Larry King, under pressure for striking out in the clutch lately, held a closed door team meeting with his wife, mistress, and 7 former wives to 'clear the air' in an effort to raise team morale, and stop his current slump at the...

Still hawking what Rose himself would describe as a conservative and improved overall public image, recent appearances with new girlfriend Kiana Kim, paint the once famous baseball player in a completely different, and less than wholesome light.
T...

A Cambridgeshire school announced their latest idea to save money - ban parents.
A spokeswoman said,"We find parents sticking their noses into what we are doing at school is very wasteful in staff time and completely counter-productive as WE are t...

Psychic megastar and all round good egg, Derek Acorah has finished his latest tour to rave reviews, and has returned home to Southport to recuperate.
Although the show was entitled "The Mammoth Tour", Acorah never actually managed to contact a mam...

Erin Andrews, the well-known ESPN reporter, is said to be furious following an announcement that a site has been chosen for the European Extremely Large Telescope (E-ELT), which astronomers have said is so powerful it will easily be able to see dista...

London - (PiccArso): "It's a lasting impression," National Gallery sources said today, "maybe left by someone who's been sitting on her face."
The comment comes as yet another 'warts 'n' all' painting of Queen Elizabeth is unveiled showing the so...

Southport football club have won the Conference North, 2009-2010 in controversial circumstances, beating local rivals Fleetwood Town by one point.
Earlier in the season, Farceley were expelled from the league for not having a team, stadium, money...

The self proclaimed man with the World's Largest Penis is back from an emergency medical procedure undertaken in Papua, Indonesia, where he was fitted with a new 'Penis Gourd" with a zipper in order to relieve stress.
According to Doctor's involve...

Facing stiff but often laughable competition from around the world, Smegma Falls, Idaho has won the prestigious title of World's Worst Named City in 2010.
Though their city name had been in the running as a finalist the last several years, losing...

After only 31 years, a police report has been issued which states that protestor Blair Peach may have been killed by a policeman.
'This has come as an absolute shock,' a friend of the New Zealander's said. 'No one could even have guessed that. ' S...

Tensions are again running high in Eastern Europe after Ukraine ratified a 25-year extension to a lease on the Russian naval base located in the Crimean port of Sebastopol.
Chaotic scenes were the order of the day in the Ukrainian parliament as th...

After years of sarcastically telling us that ET isn't going to come down and shoot us with his ray gun Mr Hawking has done an about face.
For years Hawking has told us how the Universe worked and in his spare time has watched science fiction movie...

The monumental task of clearing up the fall-out from Iceland's Eyjafjallajoekull volcano has begun in earnest today, with some questions being raised about the quality of equipment provided.
Iceland spokesperson, Kerry Katona, said, "No loss of su...

Hot on the heels of our exclusive last week - Ape research points the way to origin of religion - comes the results of yet more studies supporting the hypothesis that apes may be evolving their own religion.
In one study a group of scientists from...

Life's A Bitch Films announced shooting is about to begin on a new film and that Paris Hilton will portray the title character believed to be based on Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.
The major Hollywood feature film is tentatively entitled Spe...

Demonstrators turned up outside Broadcasting House in London yesterday protesting because of Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP, and his election broadcast.
The strange thing is that the BNP are being called Racists & Nazis by people who are more...

David Cameron is now trying the green policy in an attempt to gain votes. Yesterday he outlined the Tory Tree Policy which included a tree to be planted for every child in England, which was immediately attacked by people in Wales, Scotland and North...

It has always been the believe of most humans, that animals, don't have feelings but that myth, was without a doubt blown away recently when a group of chimpanzees, were filmed caring for a dying female chimp, at Blair Drummond Safari Park in Stirlingshire.
As the elderly female chimp called Pansy, lay dying others in the group stroked her head and made her comfortable. Her daughter Rosie, even...

Robert Pattinson commented on Dawn, that is Dawn French, after she was photographed returning from a Caribbean holiday on a Jumbo Jet. "Dawn looks bigger than ever" said Pattinson "She looks like she could be mistaken for the biggest Sumo Wrestler th...

CRICKLEWOOD, England - Robert Pattinson and his constant companion Kristen Stewart were in town to attend The Yearly Cricklewood Crumpet Cooking Contest.
Pattinson, who has recently been spending some of his free time down on his South Texas Ranch...

HOLLYWOOD - Dancing With The Stars judges Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba gave Erin Andrews and her dance partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy a 9 each, but English judge Len Goodman gave them a 7.
When the 7 was announced Maksim looked into the camera...

READING, Pennsylvania - Kate Gosselin, the mother on the cancelled reality show, Jon and Kate Plus 8, and Dancing With The Stars castoff has stated that she is seriously considering suing the reality dancing show.
Gosselin said that the only reaso...

Dog the Bounty Hunter and his wife, Beth, killed two birds with one stone, actually three birds with one stone, on Monday when they captured Randy Quaid and his wife, Evi for failure to appear on a warrant and jumping bail. The Quaids were accompanie...

The recent decision to ban 'smacking' of children in the UK has turned London into a hellhole of mischief.
The call for the ban was a knee jerk reaction to the recent court case where a teacher beat the cuff out of a student with a dumbbell after...

Donna, the sophomore who wears bangs to cover up her zitty forehead, got another zit today, except this time it wasn't on her forehead as usual, it was on her butt!
Horrified, the crafty teenager put some Nozema on her butt on Tuesday night. That...