Where in the world did the last three months go? I know that’s what you’re thinking, right? Because one day I’m pregnant, bloated, and really embarrassed that I have to ask someone else to tie my shoes for me, and then BOOM, I’m a mother of two beautiful girls, one who just started kindergarten and the other who burps and farts like an old man sipping scotch in a leather recliner as he watches reruns of Matlock.

Let’s start there, Marlo. Because all the rest of it is wonderfully boring: you sleep, you eat, and you smile. I had no idea babies could do these things without being bribed. I had geared myself up for an epic battle, because you never know with infants. It’s a total risk, a game of roulette, and I can’t even believe it’s legal in Utah to procreate because it is the ultimate gamble. Seriously! You can’t buy wine at the grocery store, but you can have sex, get pregnant, and potentially release a homicidal maniac into the world? Are you kidding me? UTAH IS SO CONFUSING.

Sometimes babies come out screaming and never stop, sometimes they are angry that you did this to them, gave them life and now? Now they have no choice but to live it, AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT. Turns out those are the ones who can read at a third grade level when they are only five years old. I guess that’s what they call a trade-off.

You came out and were all, hey. What’s up. Yeah? Really? Because I was just going to lie down over here and look cute. And then sleep. And then maybe sleep some more. And when it’s time to eat, I will. And then I will smile. And I will make you want to have more babies.

You are what I call The Ruse. And I am not falling for it, not one bit. No way. I’m guessing your kind is evolution’s way of sustaining our species. Because you and your irresistible cuteness and mood could fool a woman into having lots and lots of babies. BUT I AM NO FOOL. You know why? Because I have already lived through the third year of someone’s life, and I know yours is coming. And when it hits, when you throw your body across the floor in a fit of rage, I’ll be all SEE! I KNEW IT! Behind all those smiles and adorable dimples lies an evil three-year-old!

Where was I? Oh right. Burping and farting. Why would I be talking about anything else? Yours are so adult. So mature in tone and vibration. We never know if it’s you or your father or me, and let’s be honest, you always get the blame no matter whose it was. Total side benefit to having an infant around that we didn’t even know about! We can fart all we want and never have to take credit! We just point to you and go, dude, that baby! WHOA! WHO KNEW?

Thank you for that. Thank you for turning our house into a freshman dorm room shared by two boys who secretly use acne cream.

Leta, it’s true. You’re reading at a level that no one is quite prepared to deal with. And your writing is quickly catching up. In fact, the other day you drew a picture of Marlo and underneath it wrote, “I love my sister. She is beautifl.” DUDE! YOU ALMOST SPELLED BEAUTIFUL CORRECTLY! I almost had a heart attack, and was all WHERE DID YOU LEARN HOW TO DO THAT? And you got this goofy look on your face, started to shrug your shoulders and said, “It’s just a word, Mom.”

EXCUSE ME FOR A SECOND. That is not just a word, young lady. That right there is brilliance, and I called everyone in the family to brag about it. That is my right as a mother. Period. I couldn’t keep it to myself, and you should have heard me when I called Grandmommy, I was all BEAUTIFUL. THE KID CAN ALMOST SPELL BEAUTIFUL. And she was all, have you gotten out of the house lately?

This summer was a total blur, lots of play dates and swimming with friends while I sat in bed watching HGTV and breastfeeding Marlo. Let me rephrase that. Lots of HGTV. So much, in fact, that I think I have seen every episode of every series on that channel, and I’m confident that I could go into any house right now and stage it so that it would be sold within hours. I could be reading literature and studying philosophy, yes, that would make me a better person, but that’s just not as satisfying as watching someone take a sledgehammer to a cracked and unstable walkway only to replace it with DELICIOUS BLUE LIMESTONE. OHHHHHHHH. Sometimes when I’m watching a kitchen remodel I feel like a dog being scratched on its belly, and my leg is involuntarily flailing up and down. OH, CARRARA MARBLE COUNTERTOPS!

Anyway, here we are a family of four headed into fall for the first time together. I’m mostly excited about the darling footed pajamas ahead for you, Marlo, and Leta, the next few months of school are going to blow your mind, I just know it. Already the teacher showed you how to pump your legs on the swing, and when you got home you were all, not only can I read, BUT I CAN SWING. BY MYSELF. CALL GRANDMOMMY NOW.

I want those conversations to continue throughout your time in school, I want to hear everything even though I know there will come a point when that will be the last thing you want to do, tell your MOTHER about your DAY, and in the meantime I will continue to cherish the way you run to me at the end of the school day, wrap your arms around my leg or my arm or my neck depending on how fast I can kneel down, and say immediately, hopefully, longingly, “Is the baby here, too?!”

Related:

What a sweet letter. And your girls are just beautifl (she’s going to cure cancer or something someday!).

PS Leta’s eyelashes are incredible! Grown women pay for eyelashes like those to be stuck to their eyelids.

http://onescrappymom.com Bobbie

Love the newsletters! You should have included Leta’s pizza milestone! That was BIG dude!!

http://www.cleopatraqueenofdenial2.blogspot.com Gypsy

Those eyelashes. Good lord.

mrsjaxies

damn, leta! look at those eyelashes! they are OUT OF CON-TROL!

http://sofawned.com Desiree Fawn

Your ladies are fabulous and TOTALLY identical!
So sweet!

Trish

Beautiful letter — and though it’s not really the place for it, may I just say I love “Monetizing the Hate”. It’s the most entertaining read…..

http://bilateralhaze.wordpress.com Lara

I still remember when my first born (now fourteen, god help me) read he word ‘neighbor’, without help, in a Harry Potter book while in elementary school. What memories your girls will have thanks to this site, Heather. Good and bad, but all worthwhile and meaningful.

http://cheatymonkey.com Haley-O (Cheaty)

I can so relate to every word of this – except the swing. But, my daughter’s only four…there’s no hope in sight. But, I’m not rushing it.

Erika

So, yeah, I read it. And then my very patient 12 year old son let me read it out loud to him because I was laughing and giggling to myself and he wanted to know what that was about. And now…now I am crying. Quietly, happily, crying for joy.

Life is good.

Eastland

Amazing post. You have my deep and abiding respect. I love the newsletters!

http://www.ifeelyaophelia.com Jenna Jean

I like how you are including both of them in one newsletter. The last picture is adorable.

luckymom22

My girls are now 10 and 13; the older one is now well into the “grunt an answer” stage. My solution is to have each of them tell me one highlight of the day…they have to come up with something…and then a lowlight, if they have one. So far that has uncovered anything I need to know about. I’ll bet no one has told you yet to cherish these days because the years go by so quickly, right? So glad I could do that for you.

http://www.geekforcefive.com E. Christopher Clark

I missed the newsletters, too. And this is a brilliant return. And quite beautiful.

http://www.groovymarlin.com/blog Groovymarlin

I love you, Heather, and I love your family, and I hope you keep on doing what you do for a long, long time and have lots of success.

Do you ever think that maybe some of the “haters” are now submitting even more ridiculous and over-the-top “hate” because they want to see themselves on the hate page? Like, maybe it’s giving them just a little bit too much of the attention that they’re obviously starved for? Just something I’ve been pondering. But you will handle it I am sure.

Your blog has meant so much to me, and I know it has meant a lot to many others. From all of us, thank you for continuing.

http://themommygap.blogspot.com Danielle

First of all, the picture of Leta and Marlo made me ever so slightly misty in the eyes.

Second of all, I think that Marlo and my son Marley may be destined to be friends someday. Marley is almost 4 months old and also burps and farts like a grown man. And (AND!) he is also a Ruse baby. He is so happy and full of smiles. I will not be tricked, and you have confirmed my thoughts!

http://animalsthatgivepause.com/ TC

Both the girls are beautiful, I had two girls too that were really close in age. It’s great in a way.

Anonymous

awwww – that picture of Jon and Marlo?? well, it made me tear up — i miss those days — my baby is 27 and I would give just about anything to have that time back — to do it again — better this time. Heather– enjoy it – for me.

http://peekaboojack.blogspot.com/ andi

wow. this post almost gives me courage to have a 3rd. maybe i’ll avoid a screamer the 3rd time around. your girls are beautiful!

This was beautiful. I am so happy the girls will have these to read someday…

http://www.areyoubreathing.com/ Wendy

Yay for your sweet little family. Ah yes we have one of those readers. By 2nd grade he was reading 6/7th level. Now he edits my blog, when appropriate. So you have some help coming your way

Christina

Oh my, you have a beautiful family. The girls are so beautiful. And I think I could eat Jon up with a spoon. Did I really just type that?

http://marchandbabyrun.wordpress.com/ sorelle

Heather you make me cry and have hope that all this morning sickness is for a good cause. Thank you

http://www.theinmomniac.com Gabrielle Valentine

My first time commenting here, your stories are great. Love the shingles video. Hilarious. Time passes so fast! Great newsletter to your kids!

http://erin-quilter.blogspot.com Erin

Dang.

I had my second daughter 11 days ago and there’s nothing like a good newsletter (well, and a mix of post partum hormones) to turn the water works on full bore… Thank you for this!

erin

crikkett

I just have to say that all the haters that talk about Leta’s clothing are probably the people who wear jeans and polo shirts everyday and think they are ‘stylish.’ I was totally like her at that age… and I still am! Clothing is a form of personal expression, no matter what your age is! If she likes it, then what does it matter? I cannot for life of me understand and adult critiquing a 5-year old’s choice of clothing. It’s really sad.

I have been married for almost 5 years and have always sworn I did not want children. Your blog has made me realize that perhaps I should reconsider. Do you know how HUGE that is? haha. Besides, who’s going to take care of me when I’m old and crazy?

http://la-fleur-balkanique.blogspot.com Balkan Girl, Now Down Under

Oy, t’is the eyelash chorus…!

Count me in as one who also did a double-take when I saw Leta’s GORGEOUSLY THICK AND LONG LASHES! I might just be a little envious of a five-year-old. Hell, who WOULDN’T be?!

I mean, I’ve got nice longish lashes but nothing like THAT!

I echo the sentiment for Jon to start with the shotgun polishing, stat.

Oh, and I was all ‘whoa whoa WHOA!’ when you said that al-kee-hool can’t be bought in Utah grocery stores. At first I thought, okay, I get it, there’s a majority Mormon population but STILL, what about the rest, oh THE UNFAIRNESS?!

Until I realised (read: googled) there are special liquor stores where it CAN be sold, and I breathed a sigh of relief for all non-Mormons.

I mean, imagine not being able to enjoy a glass of red?

::shudder::

http://poohbeargs.blogspot.com Mary

This comment doesn’t have much to do with this post (except I did love the newsletter, as I always do), but I just have to ask this:

WHO ELSE DO THESE PEOPLE EXPECT YOU TO BRAG ABOUT?

It’s your blog, right? Shouldn’t you be bragging about your kids? All the comments about how other kids are just as gifted as Leta? Maybe those people should get THEIR OWN BLOGS so they can blog about those other gifted kids.

Whew…I feel better now. Thanks.

http://www.winecat.typepad.com Cathy Carey

Beautiful, I’m glad you started the newsletter again I missed it.

Maria

OMG why don’t YOU HATERS JUST GO AWAY ALREADY. If you don’t like Heather’s writing or like how she dresses her child, or how she brags about her family, then GET THE FREAKIN’ F OUTTA HERE. What a bunch of morons.

http://andreavanderkooij.com Andrea

I know what you mean about “The Ruse”. My son is 15 months old, and has been what they call an “Easy Baby” but I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Either the three’s will be a nightmare, or he’ll be a difficult teenager… something like that. Or maybe hypothetical baby number two will be a hell raiser. Who knows. Parenting is such a crapshoot. Awesome, but still a crapshoot.

http://mymoomi.blogspot.com candice

in a word, beautiful
xxx
love from down under
(ie australia, not anywhere naughty & rude)
PS i like my anti-spam word: $15-million! yes please!

Tanna

The way you write about motherhood is just fabulous. You can describe the exact way mothers feel so beautifully, words I could never think of myself. Reading about your journey as a mother makes me want to have more babies, just to feel all those same feelings again but with your beautiful thoughtful and funny phrases in my head! Thank you for bring laughter and light to my life.

http://www.domestiquette.net Wendy

How sweet. I love that they love each other so much.

How is Leta staying not-bored at school? My little boy is also at around a 3rd-grade reading level… and he finds kindergarten to be kind of boring except for all the fun you can have talking to your neighbors. While the teacher is talking.

http://littlelioness.net Fiona

They’re all looking gorgeous! And marlo looks so Leta hehe

http://tiggerlane.blogspot.com Tiggerlane

You are so smart to take the time to enjoy all those little moments NOW…b/c you are so right. The teen years are incredibly hard to take. Even benign conversation seems laced with sarcasm and utter frustration that my teenager is having to TALK TO ME AT ALL. The little girl who was much like Leta in her youth, now looks at me as her worst enemy. When I ask what I’ve done, I get this reponse: “I’m a teenager, Mom. I am SUPPOSED to despise you, and everything you do.” Followed by the sigh and eye-roll.

I miss my baby girl – your posts help me remember those days when she was little, and every little discovery created immense joy that had to be shared with me immediately. Yeah, I’m reliving vicariously thru you!

Lisa

You are such a gifted writer. That was moving and hilarious all at the same time. Much like my favorite HGTV shows….

http://poppyfox.etsy.com Poppy

I love your photography, I need to learn to take better photos

http://theonearmedblogger.blogspot.com Melissa

I love the image of you kicking your leg while you watch HGTV. I feel the same way! Your family is beautiful. Congratulations again! You certainly deserve an “easy” baby after everything you have been through!

Lynn W

I felt the same way about my kids where the most challenging infant came first and scarred me. The second one came along and I was shocked at the difference. Wanted 10 more. Until he was 11 months old and did a 180. enjoy! they are adorable!

http://thesandchronicles.blogspot.com Jessica

I have a degree in journalism and a Masters in Library Science – it took me 20 years to figure out how to spell beautiful, so, yep, that’s something to be proud of!

And you’re right – it is a trade-off. I was the first born – I was the “smart one” the “talented one” the “gifted one” (in spite of the “beautiful” thing). I was also the “difficult one.” The one that NEVER slept (and, I am sorry to say, still don’t) and screamed non-stop. The one that ended up with life-long anxiety problems, the one afraid of everything, the one stuck to my mother like paste in her hair.

My brother was the “easy” one who never fussed, the “handsome” boy without a nervous, neurotic bone in his body. As a child I was acutely aware that I was “hard” and Matthew was “easy.”

And you know what? It’s ALL GOOD. I never felt bad, I never felt “unfavored” and I certainly never felt anything other than loved. Because let me tell you, I have always known that loving a hard kid is more taxing than loving an easy one, and my mother did nothing if not love BOTH of us fiercely.

So, you go on and gush about the joy that is Marlo in her ease. Tell those screaming “you love her more” to suck it – those people have nothing better to do. You write beautiful letters to your children, and they will see your love – and your humor – and they will both be just fine.

Lisa

I’ve posted a few times before, sometimes to agree and sometimes not (usually with your other commenters). I don’t know if anyone’s already said this: the new hate page is great but when you post responses to their hatefull comments, it somehow seems to bring you down to their level. Don’t do it…I love reading your main blog and the hate comments speak for themselves…we can all tell that they’re crazy you don’t need to tell us.

http://keeponsmyelin.blogspot.com/ K*OS (Keep On S’myelin!)

The letters you write to the girls are wonderful. And the pictures capture the moments beautifully!

Jen

So sweet. However I wanted to comment on the monetizing the hate website…LOVE IT! Especially your frequent contributor “Michele Rebeiro Yoakum Mcbee”….she is a special kind of crazy!

shawn michelle

my heart aches with the sweetness. i know almost EXACTLY what you mean. i say this with my 10 week old in my arms. oO(sigh)

amen

Amy

Leta and Marlo are two very, very lucky girls to have such a great mom. And luckier still that you take the time to write these things down. Someday when they’re older and can read the things you’ve written about them/to them, they will have an insight into themselves and you that most kids never get. Much love to you all!

Catherine McP

At 49 yrs old, I want my two twenty somthing year old baby daughters back! BUT I got a grandson and a grand-daughter on the way..Wait til THAT happens! Someone elses wonderful worrys and wonderful times with their kids..Its unbelievable.

Tanya

love this entry. i’ve been lucky that i’ve had a very easy first pregnancy/first baby. he’s pretty laid back. which scares the crap out of us – we just know if we have another, it’ll be a monster probably. but still, your entries convince me more and more that we need to have at least two kids. thank you for that.

http://bethstecher.blogspot.com Beth

Love it! Love it! Love it!

I have missed the newsletters so much. They are my favorite posts of yours. Reading your newsletters to Leta inspired me to begin my own blog for my two girls. I couldn’t agree more with so much that you say about motherhood, having daughters and life. I can see you glowing with happiness through your writing. Two beautifl daughters will do that to you.

Katwink

I haven’t read your blog in years. I have been busy with my own kids, work, dog and psychotic issues. Congrats on the new baby! Please don’t go all “Jon and Kate” with your life. Books are good, Paula Dean co-hosted talk shows, BAD!!!

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