I’m starting to think I might not do great in prison – by Jared Kushner

You know, there’s something about being investigated by the FBI for attempting to set up a dubious back-channel to the Kremlin that just gets a guy thinking. People are using words like “espionage” and “treason” and it dregs up all kinds of worst-case scenarios in the mind. I know logically that this isn’t true, and I’m sure it’s just panic getting the best of me, but I don’t know… I’m beginning to think that I, Jared Kushner, would somehow not do amazing in prison.

Sometimes, when Ivanka’s not around, I try to objectively size myself up. I look at my face in the mirror and I see it as you do: Stern, intimidating, non-punchable. Commanding respect. Devoid of the creepy sort of leer that would make even the kindest of souls want to hold a person upside down and dunk their head in a bucket of puddle water. But will that be enough in what criminals call “The Pokey”?

I know, you see me in pictures, obsessively posed with one foot drawn slightly back like a catalogue model, looking off to the side as if to say “Hmm? There’s little sandwiches?” and you think: This is a man who can fight, who knows the art of fighting. I wore one of those vests in Iraq one time and I basically looked like one of those Jeeps with the guns on them. I’m sure when the average inmate saw me coming I’d look like something out of a horror movie (The Boy from the movie The Boy). But is it possible – somehow – that prison holds one or more people scarier than me?

When I allow myself to fear the worst, and imagine life on the inside, I imagine I would approach day-to-day life the way I approach everything: By just blindly attempting to do whatever I want with no concept of how anything works or what the consequences would be. And what if that doesn’t fly in prison? I mean I assume it would, and that’s still what I would do, but what if it doesn’t?

Realistically, I’m sure I have nothing to worry about; a guy like me is bound to become jail’s main guy – Jail King or Top Lad or whatever they call it. But even so, I really hope we keep not experiencing consequences for anything we do. Y’know, just in case.