Tag Archives: Star Wars

I cannot stress enough how little regard I have for the any of the previous attempts to recapture the magic of Star Wars. Though I consider Empire a decent enough film, it’s hardly in the same league as the sublimely wonderful original picture. Somehow, J. J. Abrams loved the franchise enough to give us a sequel you can bite into. It’s flawed, it’s a little bit TOO much of an homage to the original, and there are some plot holes that the Millennium Falcon can fly through, but who cares?

Finally we have a Star Wars that’s FUN, exciting, FUNNY, clever, well-acted, and I am even willing to buy into the mythology of it all, this time around. Shows you what a missed opportunity the last four or five films have been.

Ty the Guy OUT!

Many moons ago, when the trailer first came out, I sensed a tingling in the force…here’s the Bun Toon from that week.

Hee hee.

Not disappointed.

About ten years ago, I did a graphic novel for Vertigo Comics called “BIGG TIME”. It was a satire of the entertainment industry and the whole need for fame in the American psyche…and on page 71, a character showed up wearing a T-Shirt with a special message…

If you can’t read the shirt is says “I’m Still Waiting for Star Wars Episode Seven”.

Did you see the sales figures on the new Marvel Star Wars comics? The books are selling like they were instalments of the film series. We’re talking more than A MILLION COPIES in print already, and the new launches are only a few weeks old. They’re already the best selling comics of this century.

So…since I do, in fact, work at Marvel comics (check out my work in an upcoming issue of Deadpool #250!), I thought I’d grab a little of that LucasFilm glory and submit a few ideas for graphic novels.

Obviously Han Solo and Bobba Fett are taken, you have to look for the less obvious characters if you want a chance at getting your pitch through…

Hey, there’s no shame in the Lando and Iron Fist joke. We were all thinking it.

Ty the Guy OUT!

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Absolutely everyone who is my age remembers when this comic came out…months before the movie was released, giving away huge plot spoilers and secrets…ah, happy times.

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For last week’s Bun Toon about equally inspiring creators from the 70s, click here.

For Bun Toons from the past (yes I know the archive is shockingly un-updated!)

The dust has settled. The shock has worn off. Fandom collected has calmed down over the news that Marvel…gasp…will soon be publishing STAR WARS comics.

Considering that Disney and Marvel are now the same company, and that Disney recently bought the rights to the LucasFilms library, this is hardly too surprising, but people decided to become surprised after all.

But the real surprises are what’s in store for the characters…

If Marvel is taking over the publishing of any other iconic characters in the future, I hope they get the rights to Green Lantern. I’d bet it would make a good movie…

Ty the Guy OUT!

Besides the weird green rabbit Jedi Knight, I can’t recall any other problems with the Marvel Star Wars comics…

Except they had a wee bit of trouble getting Yoda on-model in the early days…

For last week’s MOST POPULAR and LEAST POPULAR Bun Toons of last year (and with links to EVEN MORE!) click here.

We all lost one of the corners of the comic book sky last week: The magnificent Jean Giraud (also known as Moebius) has died. If you know him onlyas one of those two names, you’re missing half his career. Giraud, or “GIR” was probably the best illustrator of western comic books ever to pick up the pen, and Moebius was certainly the greatest illustrator of Science Fiction/Fantasy comic books of all time. Amazingly enough, they were both the same man, and both an incalculable influence on me since I can remember discovering ARZACH in high school, and Blueberry in college.

Besides losing a legendary comic artist, the world lost a lovely and whimsical human being when Jean passed away, and my first thoughts after I heard he was gone, were of a small moment I remembered from a meal we once shared. I share it now, with you.

It helps if you remember that MARRIED TO THE MOB was a Michelle Pfeiffer movie from the early 90s. I think it was out in the theatres when Jean made this joke.

Is this moment as important as the Airtight Garage, or The Incal or Metal Hurlant? I don’t know. But it was charming and human, and whimsical, and unwilling to be cross or annoyed at the world. And who doesn’t treasure that?

There are four postcards of Moebius’ doodles that are stuck in the wall near where I draw. They’ve been there for years. Here they are:

Those are the wee bits of Moebius that greet me every day in my studio. Charming, and human, and whimsical, and unwilling to be cross or annoyed at the world.

Ty the Guy OUT!

HERE NOW, BONUS TRIBUTE TIME:

This month has also seen the passing of Sheldon Moldoff and Ralph McQuarrie.

Sheldon Moldoff drew the Batman I first encountered…he was the guy I THOUGHT was Bob Kane when I was a very young kid, because Bob Kane was signing his name to all of Sheldon’s work.

I cannot tell you guys how much I LOVE the 50s and 60s Sheldon Moldoff version of Batman, with ACE, Batwoman, Bat-Mite and the Flying Batcave. I don’t see that stuff as corny or camp, I see it as the first version of Batman I ever saw, and my nostalgic affection for it is hard to hide.

Before there was ‘JOKER’S FIVE WAY REVENGE” and the dark, sombre Batman of Neal Adams and Denny O’Neil, we had “ROBIN DIES AT DAWN”, a comic that got under my skin and freaked me out when I was about six. I recall it as one of the first comic books that had an emotional affect on me, and it still holds a special place.

I also remember reading a Golden Age Hawkman story in a reprint book from the 70s and being surprised that Sheldon Moldoff USED to draw like Alex Raymond back in the 40s. Golden Age Hawkman stories became my Holy Grails. I looked for them everywhere, and copied the line work and textures.

I saw this stuff before I saw the REAL Alex Raymond…or even Eisner, or Fine. Moldoff was the first Golden Age artist I specifically remember seeking out…the first one to convince me there might have actually been a Golden Age.

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STAR WARS borrowed heavily from many influences: E.C. Comics, John Carter novels, Flash Gordon serials and Moebius’ work in Metal Hurlant…but the one person most responsible for the look and feel of the movie of my lifetime was Ralph McQuarrie.

It started with his production paintings. They were leaked to the world in an article in STARLOG magazine a few months before the movie came out, and those paintings were enough to get my little legs scurrying to the movies the day it opened.

Sure, it’s the robot from Metropolis standing on John Carter’s Barsoom…but that’s what makes it GREAT! Ralph knew where this Star Wars movie was coming from, and where it was going, and he started it all with these paintings. For making our lives a little more fantastic, I thank you, sir.

The new TOY STORY movie is coming out and if you live in the free world, you’ve been inundated with commercials for the film, the Happy Meal boxes, the collectables, the clothing line, the comics, the books, the cakes, the fork lifts, the feminine hygiene spray and the video games. As Bill Maher said last week “we’ve been promised so much, this movie better give me a real buzz and a real woody”.

We all love toys, because we’re all kids inside, especially the unrepentant kids out there who love comics. (That gang is not-growing-up with an aggression that borders on psychosis.) But we don’t love all toys, because all toys don’t deserve it. Some toys are just so bizarre, so wrong-headed, so unholy that Winslow Schott wouldn’t play with them drunk. If these toys came to life, we would run screaming from the room, looking for a gun.

These are…

THE SEVEN MOST AWFUL TOYS

and ACTION FIGURES in history!

#7-SPIDER-MAN TOILET LAND

Please, look away for god's sake.

Tingle, Spidey-Sense, TINGLE!

I know Peter Parker has a shitty life and he sometimes gets all pissy about the way that fate treats him, but who thought that translated out to a toy line? Well, we’re living in an age in which all our urination and bowel evacuation needs can be taken care of in a soft, nurturing, Spider-Man environment. Cradle your family jewels in Spider-Man’s mask to the left, until it’s time to take them out to get them off to work. Now with a choice of Spider-Man toilets to aim for (below), you can admire your “Spider-Man on the Toilet” action figure (above) as inspiration and instruction.

Those EYES! Staring into my soul...or something.

It's not an industrialized nation until you have many Spider-man toilet seats to choose from.

And when you’re done, Spider-Man toilet paper will bring you back to Aunt May, nice and clean.

Now, with wall crawling freshness!

There’s no versions of these toilet/pooping toys for Spawn or Ghost Rider (two characters easily crappy enough to warrant them), so it must be something they think ONLY Spider-Man fans might want.
Spidey fans, are you going to take that?

#6- HULK SHOWER HEAD

When you’re in the shower head business, you should figure out early you cannot license a super-hero character for your product. There’s simply nowhere for the water to come out of a human shaped shower-head that isn’t disgusting. Any stream of anything exiting from below the belt is right out for most consumers (except for the Belgians who delight in that sort of thing)

This is in Belgium, and it's art. So back off, provincial fools.

Which leaves you with a choice of a shower head that either cries, sneezes or spits-up its contents onto you while you bathe.

Or shouts it at you, in a bout of soul-heaving retches.

And when it comes to the Hulk, a steady supply of steamy water-vomit is just what I’m looking for in a hygiene product for my bathroom. “Hulk Smash!”? I don’t think so. I say “Hulk, relax away my troubles!”

#5-BATMAN SQUIRT GUN

Gaze upon its beauty and wonder.

Another in the theme of water streaming from the mouths of super-heroes. I love this toy, and own TWO, and one of that pair will be one of the five things I’m being buried with. (Read my will for the other four, you vultures).

Help me, I've squirted, and I can't get up!

WHY IT’S GLORIOUS: When you “pull the trigger” (which we all noticed is where Batman’s penis would be) liquid squirts jauntily out his mouth at an alarming pounds per square inch pressure. That’s a lesson to confuse the youngins, for in real life, that’s not going to happen, unless you sack-punch someone who’s chugging beer. And even then, the likely result is more of a gush than a tightly directed stream….and then, of course, more sack-punching, all around.

Touch me, and you risk me fisks.

Either way, I can never “pull the trigger” with my Batman Squirter, for “Wertham based” reasons, so it rests on a shelf with my My Popeye Squirter, and my Donald Duck Squirter. I know sailors don’t shoot high pressure liquid from their mouths when you pull THEIR triggers, but I cannot speak with authority about ducks. I’ve never sack-punched a water fowl, and continue to be proud of that.

#4- PUNISHER “SHAPE SHIFTER” GUN

Obviously someone at TOY BIZ, saw the Batman/Popeye/Donald duck dick squirter guns and said “We must top that.”.

And they did.

Don't judge me, I lost my wife and kids to mobsters.

We’re so far past simple “pulling the trigger” dick jokes and well into Rocket Phallus, spread legged anal probe territory that I have to assume this entire thing was a cry for help from a toy designer deep “in the bowels” of the Toy Biz/Marvel/Legions of Satan organization.

It's the film strip of torture photos up the side of the box that makes it sing!

It’s not just that you can pose this figure in remarkably impolite ways all through the transformation process that makes this clearly-not-well-focus-tested product, such a delight–It’s that the FINAL transformation may well be the most impolite thing ever done to a human doll since voodoo was invented.

But before we get to that grand funk finale, check out the awkwardly posed figure, second from the top on that set of blackmail photos running down the side, where Frank Castle is first introduced to “harsh interrogation methods”. By the time it’s all over, in final stage #5, he’s been left in “stress positions” all night, and this is one toy ready to tell you whatever you want to hear, or take you dancing.

I hope it’s a squirter pistol, ’cause this whole thing is giving me a “water board”, if you know what I mean.

Ah, that's better. I've worked out all the kinks. Now, you had questions for me, my captors?

What self respecting child would ever hold this “gun” in his hands except to show the therapist where the inappropriate touching happened?

#3- WEEPING PADME PREGGO TOY

Take me home! Play with me! I promise I'll stop crying.

If there’s one thing a kid wants from an action figure it’s ACTION! And nothing says ACTION like a weeping pregnant lady all swollen up and ready to drop her puppies. If you’ve ever had a little sister or brother arrive in your life, kids, then you know the excitement THIS action mom is in for, over six months of sleeplessness, bloating, crankiness, and cracked nipples. Add to that level of thrill, collectors delight that this toy ties into one of the three best prequels in the Star Wars saga.

BONUS ACTION POINTS: The doll inside the package has clearly become so depressed that she’s cut off all her hair in a deranged moment of self destruction. Now with Post Partum Depression grip!

#2- DONALD DUCK VIBRATING RIDE

The people that work at Disney have a frustrating existence, I know. The work long hours for meager pay, they’re not allowed to grow facial hair, and they have all those lectures about the “Articles of Zion” to attend every Wednesday lunch. And that explains the occasional dildo on the Little Mermaid Video Box:

How did it get built? What designer approved it? Where can I find one?

Sure, it vibrates like a bucking bronco, and it’s our job to feed it the quarters while our daughter hangs on, but does Donald have to be LOOKING at her like that when she rides? And if you’re going to teach youngsters how to “Cowgirl”, for god’s sake instruct them on where to put their hands. It’s never holding onto the hat.

#1- WONDER WOMAN ACTION SCISSORS

Working your Wonder Woman, step one.

Ah, Princess Diana’s oddest collectable, and another of my prized collection. The best you can say about it that at least she’s not tied up. It’s still impossible to ignore the underlying message of this toy. To make it work, you must pry Wonder Woman’s thighs apart and quickly thrust them back together again, OVER AND OVER. And what does it do while this is happening? IT CUTS THINGS OFF!

Working your Wonder Woman, step two. SPREAD them THIGHS!

If there was any justice in the world, this is the weapon that street women carry in their boot to fight off evil johns who don’t pay up. Like a St. Christopher sculpture is used for the dashboard of your car. But I think these are safety scissors, so you couldn’t cut up your pimp with them at all. Darn it.

IN CASE YOU’RE WONDERING WHERE THESE TOYS ARE:

I try to check my sources and facts at Art Land and discovered that the following toys turned out to be hoaxes. As popular as they are on the inter-web, they do not exist in real life.

This was faked up by the Onion. Oh, those guys and their gay nozzle inflation jokes!

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I've seen this in a few places. Not real. But we can always dream...

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I'm not sure if this is real, but I'm sure the girl is really annoyed at Hulk for flashing the gamma ray like that.

There are many other action figure and toy hoaxes, and to be honest, I’m slightly dubious of the Weepin’ Padme, but the following toy is real, you can look it up yourself.

I think I’m going to nominate Britney as our honorary #9th most awful toy, but under no circumstances will I ever use the phrase “MINT IN BOX” to describe it.

That’s it for today. Join us tomorrow when SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS will give away another hilarious webcomic for your freeloading enjoyment. Until then, may you lick all your American made toys in a lead free environment and have a good afternoon.