Thursday, November 29, 2012

Well the day we were gearing up for arrived. I think I'm still a little numb from the realization. Unfortunately the timing was not as stellar as we'd hoped it would be. In some ways, though that's a good thing. No false sense of smooth sailing before the shit hits the fan. Like it always does with teens and preteens.

And the kids are living up to expectations... the pain in the ass expectation that is. There was quite a change to the household before Jefe got here and the dust was settling from that episode and poof my support was suddenly here as well.

I wasn't floundering by myself.

Yesterday I read this thing on the web about this father who sent his kids a letter of disappointment. I feel for him, I really do. I've bent over backward to maintain a stable home, a solid environment, make sure they have what they need, plus a bit more- quite a bit more actually. All on my own. I've had no help from any area, and I think I've done quite well.

I also realized not too long ago, how tired I am. It's been eight years of pulling the entire weight of the household on my own. Shouldering everything, making excuses, turning a blind eye, placating, being placated. All that has changed. I'm seeing my children as over indulged spoiled things. They are not brats in some sense of the word, but their behavior is definitely something that needs to be changed.

So I've taken a new attitude, and it just happens to coincide with Jefe being here, so he is right there to bolster my resolve. Privileges are being stripped, electronics are going bye bye, social lives will be a thing of the past. "I" will be listened to and listened to properly. No more wearing mom down... I'm not doing this on my own anymore. I am stronger than I ever have been, and I've been strong.

It has been an eye opening experience to see my underlings for what they are and have been doing. Time to go back to the olden days where you want something not only will you have to earn the privilege, but maintain the right to the privilege.

I will not have happy children in this house tonight. I am not happy about this. I am not smug. I am heartbroken actually. There's a part of me that loved spoiling them. Making sure they were in the right fashion, had the good phones, the right video games. It's just "me" doing all of this, and I viewed it as my own version of keeping up with the Jones'. I was not going to be the "single mom".

I thought the children were thankful for what they had. No, I've just come to learn that they feel entitled. Just like every other kid out there in today's society.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Jefe had a talk with one of his best friends. This friend couldn't understand our power exchange dynamic. He just sees it as I'm a doormat who's told what to do and I do it. Back to the 1950's household (which I really don't have anything bad to say about that dynamic). There's a deeper understanding though, one that can't be explained to someone who doesn't want to see past their own perception.

Giving him the reins doesn't mean I don't have a voice or an opinion. It doesn't mean that I don't offer my advice and counsel to him. It means that he takes all that information under advisement and makes his decision. I'm totally good with that.

I think a male who is not dominant by nature cannot understand that. I think this friend is more in that category. He's a very nice man, I don't see him as a dominant male though. Highly intelligent, yes, friendly, confident- dominant- no.

I can see his wife as being more of the dominant role, mainly because she's taking care of house and family making those decisions on a day to day basis- and that's something he's fine with. I wonder though how he would feel if he laid down the law about any particular decision- if then would he understand how this dynamic works.

It was difficult for Master to realize that there was nothing he could say to this man that could make him understand how it works. I've had that conversation with a good friend before, and I've heard rumblings now that she wishes her new husband was more dominant. She's starting to "get" it.

Sometimes people don't know what they don't know. Education and awareness and a willingness to look within and comprehend is all it takes. Sometimes too, it's a tough pill to swallow when you're a man and realize you aren't the dominant one, and your best friend is- in all aspects.

Friday, October 5, 2012

I find myself opening up more to Jefe. Not only mentally- revealing more and more of what's inside and makes me tick on any given subject. It's revealing the more intricate details, the household dynamics, the ups and downs. Finances, financial decisions. It's becoming more natural for me to ask before I spend money on not usual purchases. Getting ready to combine households is feeling more and more comfortable.

I can't wait, I talk about being impatient, and I am to a certain extent, because I can't wait to fall asleep next to him every night and not count the hours until one of us is leaving. But I'm very calm about it as well. We are not going into this with blinders on, we know it's going to be tough. A huge adjustment for not just him and I, but the brood as well. They've pretty much known only me in their lives. Now there will be a second authority figure.

I was chatting with my mom the other night, and we both spoke of how it took all those years of both floundering with other relationships and being out on my own; to be ready for the real thing. And that's what this is, the real thing.

I've been through enough relationships, both "vanilla" and bdsm related to not only realize but "know" what I have is beyond expectation. I also know that this is not a one sided assumption. He's expressed it as well. There have been three times in my life where I "knew" upon first sight that the person in question would have a profound impact on my life. The first one was the one that got away... I've never forgotten him or wondered what goodness we would have been together. The second was the second failed marriage attempt. He wasn't a positive impact by any stretch, he was a bastard, but I have three wonderful children and a wealth of inner strength and knowledge because of him. The third and last was Jefe. I will never forget the moment I first laid eyes on him. The profound energy, the instant recognition of "my life will never be the same" the second our eyes met. I took in the entire picture and just "knew". Now I'm not calling it love at first sight. Lust? Fuck yeah! I still lust after the man, that lust continues to grow and deepen.

We had a discussion very very early on. One day he took me out in the truck and we parked and talked about the physical distance. I told him that day that I believed we had something too special to not see it through. Even though we may find it a bigger heartbreak in the future should things fall apart because of the distance.

He agreed and we agreed to continue on. That was over a year and a half ago.

Neither one of us expected to find what we have found. Neither one of us expected to find the type of power exchange relationship that felt true to ourselves and who we truly wanted to be. It was a pipe dream.

Through all of the ups and downs, coping with two households that are not too far, but definitely not close enough- we're taking that next step. Recognizing that what is between us, the mundane and the kink are so well matched, it's worth the sacrifice for one of us to move.

Friday, September 14, 2012

I had a long talk with Jefe today. Earlier this morning he asked if I was coming up, but I told him no, I was being fiscally conservative. Gas for two weekends in a row would be a tremendous amount of money for my gas hog. a HUGE amount.

So we had a delicious phone sex session, but both agreed that it fucking sucks, and we're tired of it.

So an hour later, I took my fiscal conservativeness and tossed it out the window. Called him and said I was coming up, had a few things to do, but hoped to be on the road within the hour.

Got my few things done, tossed some stuff in a bag and was ten minutes late out the door. Just as I started the truck the phone rang. It was Master, of course, he was reconsidering the impromptu visit. Agreed with my initial fiscal frugality (something rare for me).

So this blog isn't me whining that I'm not seeing him this weekend, although I could turn it into that easily. I told him I was past my threshold to touch him.

No this blog is about him opening up the door even more.

I got a glimpse inside during our hour long discussion about the back and forth of making the trek.

I listened to his words carefully.

I heard the reconciliation in his voice. He's going places emotionally he swore he would never do again.

He verbalized the trust he has in me, in us. Which I already know, but sometimes hearing it...

Especially during a discussion.

Not pillow talk.

During a frank, deep discussion.

Admitting the things he's trying to figure out, work out internally, rationalize.

He never thought he'd be here again.

Here he is.

Here I am.

Coming to grips with it all.

It's the best place to be. Being somewhere you never thought you'd be, and knowing it's better than you ever thought it would.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

I had a five day weekend with Jefe this past weekend. Lord knows it wasn't enough. No phones, no kids, no bills, no chores, no horns, no music... we were backpacking in the wilderness- - he brought me deep into his world. The world he's lived in for 20 years. His life, his passion. It was most gratifying. Better yet, I thoroughly enjoyed it! I'm a pampered city girl to the naked eye, but not afraid of hard physical labor. So getting sweaty dirty doesn't phase me in the least.

But getting sweaty dirty isn't what this blog is about. It's about, well who knows, I'm not even sure. I don't even have a title for it yet.

It's about being close. The normal every day relationship closeness that draws two people together. It's not about a power exchange dynamic, dominance and submission, or Master and slave. It's about two human beings realizing that the search is over.

It's about recognizing compromises, and realizing that altering plans isn't a detriment, it's an enhancement of goals.

Coming to the realization that you can't live without the other person for the rest of your life. It's that split second moment where the odds don't matter, you'll do what it takes, move heaven and earth just to be with that person.

It's about opening up, laying out the fears, the hopes, the dreams, the vision, it's exposing the deeper layers, having those tough discussions, coming to conclusions, creating a plan, and moving forward. There's always talk about trust in an M/s relationship, the innate trust that a slave or submissive has in their Master/Dominant, but the trust has to go both ways.

Building a life together is testament of that trust, it's not trust in the moment- it's trust for the long term. It's knowing that person is going to be by your side, or attempt to (gotta insert reality here) for decades to come. It's WANTING that person to be by your side for the decades to come.

We had no other entertainment besides our own company for all that time. It was never dull, it was never lacking, sometimes it was quiet- a comfortable quiet, a peaceful groove into each other with each other.

It's knowing that person isn't everything, but everything that counts.

It's knowing the the person that means the world to you, thinks the world OF you.

I found that, cherish it, relish in it. No, let me rephrase WE found that. We've acknowledged it, embrace it, and within a few scant weeks will be living it together. No longer his and hers, but ours.

The long drive will be for when we want to get away and be alone, not made by one, but by both- together.

I'm ready.

It will be harder than hard.

It will be worth every moment.

One day we will sit on our porch in our rocking chairs, looking over the beautiful landscape and know it was worth every moment.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

I thrive on feedback. I don't care to hear the "constructive" feedback most times (I don't think many of us do), but I try to keep an open mind and really listen to what's being said. However, I also must have some semblance of respect for the individual providing said feedback.

Now when Jefe takes me into feedback mode, there are times, like a couple of weeks ago when I do get all defensive and don't "hear" what he has to say. A few days after that communication mishap we had another talk regarding the same subject, and this time what he was saying made complete sense, and as such the assignment then made sense.

Those few days before that conversation were not fun though. I floundered for a bit, feeling misunderstood and emotional, and not wanting to interfere in what he had going on by asking to talk. So I did what I do well, and wrote out what was going on in my head. The end result lifted a weight from my shoulders, and unfortunately added weight to his. Which was unintentional, but the result nonetheless.

He felt the burden of the angst he felt he caused, which was unintentional, but the result nonetheless. He doesn't take those things lightly, but we didn't let it draw out. Within a single conversation- we were back on the same wavelength.

I'm learning that I can't keep those angst moments buried, they fester over time- even if I can dismiss them for awhile, something else will trigger the emotion then there's more piled on. So while the first assignment wasn't what he was looking for, it did open a few different doors for the both of us- let him in.

We're moving forward with the cohabitation plans. It's scary as hell. Maybe it's age and the hopeful wisdom that comes with it, but living together isn't as foot loose and fancy free as I thought it to be back in my 20's. It's been almost a decade since I've lived with someone, well except for that 5 month stint with the ex D, but that wasn't ever looked at as a life long journey- I told him more than once that when he was back on his feet he would get his own place. We just never made it anywhere near that finish line.

So this time it's different, I WANT this to work more than I ever thought possible. We talk in life terms. He is looking at this through the same glass I am.

This is it.

This is what the universe gave to each of us. We don't treat that lightly.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Yes, it's been awhile, and probably for good reason... too much external shit going on to keep me from looking within.

Had a health crisis back in July with one of the kids, she's fine, but it gave me about a 30 second vacation with Master. That did nothing for our togetherness, however it did solidify that this distance thing is no longer tolerable and we've, or rather he's reached a decision about who's moving where. So we're now immersed in moving plans. A huge adjustment to be made by all parties.

Then real life commenced and it's been a whirlwind since. I also officially got divorced after 8 years of total separation (I haven't seen him in those 8 years, literally), and got somewhat screwed over in the hearing (child support) and have felt rather raw for the last 24 because of it.

Tonight we were having a light hearted discussion, and he picked up on let's call it an idiosyncrasy that I have about deep seeded desires and what I call sticking my foot in my mouth. I don't do it intentionally, but he's picked up on it.

So I now have an assignment to dig into that. I got very emotional when he brought it up. I think it was a cumulation of missing him, feeling screwed over, somewhat judged by the judged. I just felt completely misunderstood.

I try very hard not to let the ghosts of the past resurface, but tonight they came back in full force. I felt completely inadequate and flawed. Of course I also reason this to my infernal need to be as close to perfect that I can be for Master. He, of course, stressed that he was not displeased, angered, or upset, but I told him that being on the "one who pleases" side of the fence, it's hard NOT to take such things to heart.

I KNOW I'm not perfect, far from it. I am human, but the slave part of me wants to be perfect and it's a hard time reconciling the difference. He said I shut down after he made the observation. I did, not because I was being a bitch, but because a plethora of thoughts were swirling through my head. I wasn't being passive/aggressive, wasn't trying to disguise anything intentionally. I felt like the fly caught in the spider web and completely by accident. I felt like I did something wrong, was doing something wrong and it didn't sit well.

So I have to think about this particular idiciosyncrasy and write about it.

More introspection, more vulnerability... it's a hard week to deliver vulnerable. I understand it, but delivering an honest non defensive answer is going to be hard. We're going to talk more on it tomorrow. I don't think he expected me to be as emotional as I was, nor did I. I call it a chick moment.

I wanted to fire back at him, but you don't have to open up to the same degree as I do, you don't see how a critique comes off as a criticism, a flaw, but I didn't, because it would serve no purpose. This is the station I freely chose to give. I didn't give it pending my agreement to certain aspects. It took me a long time to find someone worthy ( and I don't say that conceitedly) of my servitude.

As he noted tonight, perfect would be boring.

It would be nice though, to think I'm more than halfway there *smiles weakly*

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I was to have two weeks all to myself with Master, but a medical emergency with one of the kids squashed those plans. Instead I spent nearly a week in a hospital half way across the country with my little one.

Thankfully she's home and on the mend.

It depressed me knowing that I would return home and not be physically comforted by him.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

I bought a card for Jefe yesterday. We had a rough 24 hours, miscommunication, but got everything sorted out.

I stopped and read so many cards, but this one stood out.

It made me remember the first time I looked into his eyes, remembered how I first felt when I knew I was falling, remembered trying to spit out those words and couldn't, remembered spitting out those words. Using them sparingly, I still do. I'm a firm believer in actions speak louder than words.

Monday, June 18, 2012

I had "divorce class" last week. The mandatory parenting class for anyone divorcing with minor children. After 8 years of separation and NO contact, most of the information wasn't pertinent. However, I did get some good reminders and was glad I approached the evening with an open mind.

At one point, the instructor tossed out some statistics about remarriages.

75% second marriages fail

85% of third marriages fail.

NOT that I'm planning or remotely hoping for a third try at this, but the M/s dynamic is or can be a similar pact.

That figure terrifies me. It doesn't take a marriage certificate to make a relationship work, but it sometimes makes it worth hanging on to to make it work. Make sense?

As Jefe and make plans to merge our households (not sure how that looks yet), I fear that I will be part of that 85%. Baggage aside, I have kids, he doesn't. I have teens, he doesn't. That kind of stress is going to be huge on us. I have no doubt that if it was just the two of us, we'd make it through anything. We are just that good together.

But now I'm scared to death to become a statistic, and I can't wait another 8 years to live under the same roof. Yeah, yeah, there's the 15% that do work, I don't live in that world, never have, probably never will.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

in a d/s dynamic, it usually appears such that it's the s type who makes all, or most of the sacrifices. In an outward appearance. This may be so, but the lifestyle I CHOOSE to lead, what is given up is hardly a sacrifice.

Autonomy is the hardest I think, though. I'm used to making all the decisions, and now not so much. Many of the decisions rest totally with him, where I'm concerned anyway. Not so much with the kids, as we're not a single household yet, kids and and decision making is totally my domain. Granted I get opinions, but the decisions ultimately are mine.

So we're at a crux right now. A HUGE one. We've had enough of this blasted distance. We're both tired of sleeping alone, saying goodbye, and relying on technology for day to day communication. As far as distance relationships, we're lucky- it's just a car ride to see each other. Still, that ride isn't right around the corner, so it limits us to weekends, which I know some of you out there would kill to have that close proximity. Nothing is ever quite the way we want it to be.

So the Master is the one with the property and land. I'm the one with the brood and the excellent paying job (which I cannot keep or find in his neck of the woods). Who's going to move? We go back and forth with the decision. Each of us has a valid reason to stay where we are and have the other make the move.

I told him this morning that I feel selfish for even asking him to consider making the move. He wouldn't have to sell anything, but he wouldn't have the satisfaction of finally living in the abode he's built with his own two hands, and he's getting very close to living that dream.

In a previous relationship, him moving was the only option- - he had nothing anyway, so was moving toward something he coveted- a home in which he could be king (insert gagging reference here). We all know that didn't work out, but there was something different about that dynamic. Maybe it's because I never really felt any dominance from him. Maybe it's because I was a bitch and pushed back on mostly everything that didn't "work for me".

I just feel very strange asking the Master to make the move, so I can stay in my comfort zone, and the kids can too. He's not asking me to make the move either. We just keep going in this circle, because any way you look at it something major is going to happen. Those decisions can't be made on a whim. If it was just me... I'd be gone already, but it's not. THAT and fitting all of us at his place is NOT going to be easy. We'd have to endure 4 years until the first one moves out.

Not to mention the tears and protests that are going to follow if the final decision is I go. They will go where I do however, that is not an option.

I really don't want to move right now. I'd be uprooting everyone, cleaning house and leaving the home, and job that provide my family's well being, and what if it doesn't work out... then I have nothing. I want a guarantee that we can sustain being a family for at least the next 8 years. I have to get the kids to 18. They can be on their own, and I'll figure out what to do with me. I'm resilient, I'll survive anything, but I need them to feel stability.

It would be so much easier for him to make the move here, but ask someone to give up a dream? How can I do that? How long until the resentment kicks in?

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I was giving counsel to another virtual friend, who's another "s" type like me. Seems she and her significant other have reached a point in their relationship where needs are not being met.

They live about an hour apart.

He still wants her in his life, but wants someone who can do more with him, be a companion. He wanted her blessing to pursue a poly situation. Which she indicated was something he has always expressed an interest in.

What I find interesting is that there is no mention of her finding someone to spend time with. That's a whole other topic though.

It really just got me thinking about the reality/futility of our situation. Unless one of us moves, it will be this way for years and years. How can we sustain this for what could be the next decade? I hope and pray that it's not, but it very well could be.

So I put myself in a funk for the last couple of days. Putting myself in this kindred sister's shoes and knowing it will be me at some point. We've already decided poly isn't for me, when posed with the question of him wondering who was in my bed, it would be safe to say- he wasn't comfortable with it either.

How many times will we cast it aside?

There is the starry-eyed romantic that knows we're perfect for each other, and finding the same thing, or even something, some semblance of something close will be futile. I know no two relationships are alike, and maybe if it did happen in the future I might find something even better. It's just very hard to fathom. We are so in sync with each other and the dynamic is like a second skin.

I know, I know.

He's tired of sleeping alone, and so am I. Just because I have a houseful of offspring, doesn't mean I'm not lonely without him. I want him to be a part of my every day world as much as he wants me to be a part of his.

So what really frosted my ass yesterday though was a blog written by the one that was cast aside. Yes, I still read her blogs. I was actually starting to feel happy for her. She appeared to have moved on. Her blog from a couple days ago, however, said differently. She absolutely railed on long distance relationships. Spouted about how they weren't real, couldn't last, can't be real if you're not living the day to day.

This coming from a woman, who dumped her four kids with the ex-husband, something she swore she'd never do, moved across country on her own free will, The university, almost in her home town, has an incredible Master's program for her field. So it's not about the educational opportunity. She wanted my man. She wanted to get him, after 20 years, she was going to have him. She did whatever it took, whatever the cost to her children to get him. Except she didn't take into account one very important thing. She is nothing to him. She was a family friend at one time and when she found him through someone else after 20 years, old times were new times. When proven she is nothing to him she took the manipulative route with me, when that didn't work- she hopped into a "slave" relationship with someone she didn't know. Keep in mind, this is only temporary- she's moving back when school is done. So she wants to be owned, but only for a little while. While it's convenient for her. She's renting a room somewhere... or living with him now, don't know, and preaching about what a real life relationship is.

Anyone else see something wrong with that picture?

But it's like I told Himself today, reading her words infuriated me so much it brought me out of my doldrums. While not too happy that I'm still reading her blogs, he hasn't banned me from them. I wonder if I could keep that edict, if he did. I have to stop caring enough to care. It's too bad, because I was reaching a point where I was starting to feel some sort of happiness that the path she chose was working out for her.

Anyway.... reality is a large, bitter, and hard pill to swallow. But, I will have to take the prescription at some point, the question will be will I swallow the pill all at once, or crush it into tiny pieces and watch it slowly get consumed into nothingness?

Friday, April 27, 2012

I went through a rough patch for awhile. Questioned damn near every ability I have in this bdsm world. Another blogger at another site mentioned recently that d/s doesn't define who she is.

It doesn't necessarily define me, but it is a huge part of my life now. Something I know I won't ever live without again. Submission, by itself makes me feel complete, and without a partner who recognizes that submission for what it truly is, recognizes the dynamic of dominance and submission, I'll just fall prey to more controlling arsewipes. Been there, done that, have the tee.

Thankfully Master pressed through all those insecurities I had, had me sit down and take a good hard look at the reasons why I was feeling pressed up against the wall. Through that exercise I realized that I was still haunted by the ghost of Dom past.

Now, I should also point out that even though my head was not in the best space, I was told that said behavior would not be tolerated in the future. To which I completely concur. When I realized my behavior, I was crushed by my own actions. Completely remorseful, and on some level, afraid of the punishment I could have had. I wasn't let off easy, I'd punished myself. It has since passed, but the emotions I felt are with me still. A good lesson for me in humility and grace.

Two weeks ago marked one year he placed his collar around my neck for the first time. So much has happened in this past year. Good, bad and ugly. We are stronger for it. It's damn hard to maintain this two home deal, but we're doing it. Some day we'll look back at all this angst and laugh. My home is by his side, whether it's at place A or place B.

I still live by my mantra- each day is one day closer to where I want to be.

One day closer.

I was angry today. Jealous actually. I was jealous of his past. I wanted affirmation that what we have is nothing like anything else he's ever seen. I wanted validation that no other submissive satisfied him the way I do, pleased him the way I do, served him the way I do. I wanted to know whether he felt the same rush scening with someone else as he does with me.

Then it hit me. They are ex's for a reason. He wasn't able to flourish, grow, develop, and explore until now. Every day is a new exploration of ideas, wants, needs. We create them in each other, fulfill them through each other, and as a result we both grow from it. I can't say that I'm always jumping up for joy with some of his plans and ideas, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Like he told me yesterday, he likes seeing me squirm in both a good way and not good way.

It's like we're on this never ending spiral staircase. Some days he holds my hand and we climb into the clouds (the sensualist), and on other days he escorts me into the bowels of hell (the sadist). How far we go in either direction is up to him, but I gratefully hold his hand and follow his lead. He seems to know better than I do, which direction I need to be taken to. Even if I express a desire for up or down.

He reads me well. That's not something that happens overnight. It's time, patience, understanding, love, caring, devotion, consideration, empathy, desire. I could probably go on and on, but it's time for me to get some shuteye. Early day tomorrow and a trip home in the afternoon.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Things are diving deeper. He's been much more stringent, and his requirements are changing, his commands are broadening.

I felt like I was backed into a corner yesterday.

To my credit, I didn't lash out, I didn't get sarcastic or hostile. I was open and honest about his "request".

So he altered it.

I don't know that this is any better.

I'm struggling, really struggling.

I have no idea how I'm going to maintain this.

I feel like he's setting me up for punishment.

The pressure is weighing me down, feels like a foot on my chest. It's not anxiety, I know what that is. It's dread.

I don't want to comply. I want to put my foot down and cry limit! But in reality there is no reason for it, other than the fact that it's so very far outside my comfort zone and an inconvenience to my day- each and every day.

None of that is supposed to matter.... right? It's about his needs, his wants. This is what I signed up for- - willingly... right?

I have the man who is stronger than I, strength, character, resolve, honesty- he's all of that. He warned me time and time again that it would not be easy being his slave. Any request, command, instruction pales in comparison to this. So far anyway. I hope one day I'll be able to look back on this and laugh at my foolishness.

It is taking me a long time to come to grips with this task. I'm still not fully enveloped in it. Today I complied, because that's how I'm wired. I have to give until I can't. I didn't think I could envision the day where I actually contemplated a can't. Yesterday, I did. Today was a new day though.

And other than my own pride, my own sense of propriety... I have no reason not to comply with this.

I felt no sense of relief when I accomplished this task today, I felt only dread for tomorrow is another day. I hold on to the notion that I will find some sense of adventure to this task. But all I see is the negative impact to me- and while I know that negativity is coming from the independent side of me- it's clouding my judgement.

This IS what I signed up for when I asked him to eliminate my safe word, bring things to the next level. I want and need this deeper dynamic. I'm still clinging to some idealized notion of M/s. Where everything is nice and cozy and I'm pushed slowly, nudged into the mold that he's creating.

I realize I'm fighting one sense of self against the other.

I never realized until today how much strength it takes to surrender one's will. I knew it took strength, don't get me wrong. For as easy as it is for me to submit to him, it's always been a choice. The choice looked easy because I was still in a comfort zone.

Today, tomorrow and every tomorrow I am for a short physical amount of time pushed out of that comfort zone. However, mentally I am no longer there in that comfy space. The command and my choice to comply is always on my shoulder from this day forward.

It is my choice to comply or deal with the consequences. One of which could be being released. That is not an option for me to play a hand in. I know on some level there could come a day when I could be, but it will not be because I'm choosing to put my foot down over something that in the greater scheme of things is minutia. I cannot and will not become a behavioral issue, manipulate the situation by whining about all the reasons why I feel overwhelmed by this task.

I would have done that previously. I can see Jay nodding emphatically right now. Wipe the frown off your face Jay- he's not being unreasonable- I'm looking for excuses. You know me, you know what buttons need to be pushed. He's pushing the buttons- just the way he should.

He's got me by the hair forcing my eyes to his- and giving me the opportunity to walk the walk. He told me as much yesterday. He's got the confidence in me, whereas I don't.

Knowing that doesn't make this any easier though.

It doesn't push me to want to do this, which frightens me a bit. I'm doing this not for me, but for him. I haven't wrapped my head around the notion that it's bringing me to a deeper self, losing that surface self, pride and ego.

If I'm going through the motions with this, how long before everything else becomes rote? How long before I let this permeate into every aspect of our relationship? I'm strong enough to know that if I let it, it won't take long. He won't tolerate that, he sees right through me. It will cause derision though.

Only if I let it permeate.

I'm hanging on, today the thread seems stronger than yesterday. Soon, I hope that thread will become as thick as a rope. He'll be at the top anchoring that rope, reaping the benefits of my climb.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

A week ago, I fucked up. Big time. HUGE. MEGA HUGE. Ok, maybe not that huge, I mean I didn't break any laws, commandments, or do anything nefarious. I did however go into full blown bitch mode with The Boss.

It wasn't until after the words had been spoken that I realized what I'd done. In my own defense, I interpreted something the wrong way, but in my already over emotional, over worked state I took that misinterpretation and swung into defensive postulating rather than just ask what he meant.

So being me, and true to form, I beat myself up. In our time together, this is the first argument we've had, and it really wasn't so much of an argument as we both got pissed off at the other. Light a fuse watch it blow and then deal with the aftermath. Anyway, once I realized what I'd done, I envisioned the punishment for said actions would not be something I would breeze right through.

After 24 hours, we spoke and he changed his mind on my visit. I would come up so we could discuss what happened the previous day and move past it.

I brought the little man up with me as planned. I need to ensure he has some testosterone time, poor kid surrounded by estrogen all the time. After the boy went to bed, I knew we were going to 'have the discussion' whether that meant physical punishment too, I didn't know, but knew I deserved whatever was on the plate.

We ended up discussing, and as much as I tried to clam up and withdraw- he wouldn't let me. I was open and honest about what I was feeling, how I felt about my fuck up, but it was hard getting the words out in between fighting back the sobs, and covertly wiping away the tears.

I couldn't hide though, he wouldn't let me. He made me look at him when all I wanted to do was turn my back and wallow in my own angst. I had not only disappointed him, but pissed him off- and all because I flew off the handle and reacted like a manipulating shrew. Something I've never done, cared to do, wanted to do, intended to do with him. Previous so called D's - fuck yeah, I manipulated my way right to the top of that pile of whatever it was called. With him... no, never, niet, yeah, so much for that idea.

He reached inside of me and cradled my emotions (and me) in his arms while I had my meltdown. I didn't opt for tears, I hate tears for the most part. No, scratch that, I hate them period. Even though I know that sometimes it's good to cry, it just takes an awful lot to get me there.

So I learned more about him during that little experience. Not that I will try to repeat it, second offense will not be pretty- I've been forewarned. I didn't think it was possible to love or trust him any more than I already do, but it is. I don't think that it's necessarily more- just deeper and even more meaningful.

A year ago yesterday he showed me a photo of the collar that I inspired. He set out that day intending to make something else, but felt compelled to make my leather collar. I looked for that exchange the very same day we had the argument, taking the scroll down memory lane always makes me emotional, so I'm sure that didn't help matters any, but that's not where I was going with that.

It will be a year Sunday that he first placed it on my neck. Now we hadn't talked about "being collared" specifically at that time. We'd had conversations about a collar, what it meant personally to each of us, the implication of the significance. We were both on the same page, or within a page or two of each other's views.

When the first D collared me, I took the collar on and off as applicable, not figuratively, just literally. As we were 2k miles apart, and seeing each other every 6 weeks, and he liked to see me on cam chatting wearing said collar, it would be appropriate for me to put on/take off. But even when we were together, I would put on/take off as needed.

So when I had Jefe's collar on that first weekend, and someone knocked on the door, my hands immediately flew up to the collar and I removed it.

After the company left, he secured the collar back around my neck, pulled the d-ring so our noses were scant centimeters apart, and informed me that I was never to take on/off again.

I haven't. That's his job... I present said collar to him or said neck if I need to take a shower. I like that comfort in knowing he secures it, I'm not sure why, it's symbolism, but I haven't quite figured out why it tickles my fancy or why I take such comfort in it. I wasn't wearing my collar the night of the discussion, and we were in bed having said discussion and by the time he was done with me I was too spent to get up and get it, but I felt naked sleeping without it. The next night he called it out. He wanted it there. Plain and simple.

Sometimes when I'm driving myself to the brink of insanity, wondering how we're ever going to get through this distance and time line thing, I sit and remember these little things.

His words from a few weeks back ring in my ears "I don't think either one of us expected things to go this deep"

Which considering how closed mouth he is about anything dealing with emotions, was a lot for him to admit.
He shows his emotions, he just doesn't talk about them. He's a touchy-feely kind of guy, just don't ask him to talk about it LOL.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

It seemed so easy back then. I was so trusting. I believed that people were who they said they were. I was taken for an emotional ride a couple of times. Thankfully none that really 'damaged' me.

I've had a few actual bdsm relationships.

I've realized recently, that I don't know jack shit about bdsm, or I didn't know jack shit about bdsm. I had an inkling of what it was.

No let me rephrase that.

I had an inkling of what I thought it was.

They were in order of appearance:

1. A relationship with very close emotional bonds, but not a dominant, just a guy that liked sex a little rough and with light restraints.

2. First Dom guy- experienced, real time, had the answers, said the right things. Introduced me to bdsm gently, lightly and it pretty much stayed there.

3. Second Dom guy- experienced- kinda, part time experience for a couple of years. Had a couple of good 'scenes' then it was basically vanilla with an anal twist (is that like a chocolate/vanilla twist soft serve cone haha)

4. NSA guy who was really really kinky, not into bdsm, but we got along great and the sex was pretty dang good.

5. another NSA guy who was into bdsm, but was a top, not a dominant.

6. Diversion guy who knew nothing about d/s, was willing to learn, but really only wanted to be catered to.

7. Potential guy, liked to be called Daddy, but really didn't know how to be a dom. He was into bdsm, I could manipulate the crap out of him (and did). A really great guy, but I kept my distance.

8. Email guy- great on paper, really pulled you into the fairy tale. Met once and knew I'd walk all over him. That was the end of that.

9. "Separated guy"- our versions of being separated were two entirely different things. I'm separated, I don't live with my spouse part time or share a bed when in the same city. That ended real quick.

10. Then there's Jefe. Never intended for this to happen.

My first communication back to him was to say I was just looking for a friend. I was still reflecting on separated guy. Jefe wasn't fazed. Friendship was fine with him. We started a dialog, started sharing our thoughts about bdsm, what it looked like, what we each wanted out of it. It was easy to divulge those thoughts when you don't feel like you're being interviewed.

Personable

After a few weeks we arranged to meet. I just happened to alter my travel route so I passed through his town. I got there early and instead of bothering him, I just sat in a parking lot and read. When he sent me a text to find out my eta and found out I was already in town, he changed his itinerary so I wouldn't have to wait.

Conscientious and courteous.

I got lost on the way to the restaurant.

Patience

I finally walked in the door and my heart skipped a beat, I held my breath for a moment, I don't think I went as far as to stop dead in my tracks I mean I'm way too demure and collected for that to happen. You can stop chuckling Jay. Pretend your a stranger reading this (grins)

Handsome

We had a wonderful lunch of sushi. I don't know that much about it, and told him so- so I deferred to his knowledge and he chose our lunch. We had a wonderful lunch. I actually spoke (in person for me usually equates to answering and not venturing forth with conversation- especially if I feel intimidated in the least)

Knowledgeable

He asked me if I wanted to see the house that he's built from scratch- with his own two hands. Being someone with a house fetish ( I LOVE looking at houses), I jumped at the chance to see this. We left the restaurant and just outside in the parking lot- grabbed my hair and planted a kiss on my lips. A kiss that made me forget my name.

Determined, skilled, creative

I will never forget that day. I relive it often in my head. We went out for sushi a couple of weeks ago and when we walked out the door I asked if this was the part when he was supposed to grab my hair and kiss me. He got a huge grin on his face as he unlocked the truck and got in. His response was that he'd already done that, he couldn't get repetitive and boring now could he.

I doubt that man will ever be repetitive and boring. He's too creative. He's too deep a thinker. He's a doer. If he says something will happen- I know at some point it will.

I have met my match, both figuratively and literally. I don't manipulate, or top him in any way. I have no desire to, and he'd see right through it.

What I thought I knew about bdsm compared to what I've learned being with Jefe for the last 15 months is nothing. All I learned for those few years was the physical side of things. I learned what a flogger felt like, or what it felt like to be restrained,

Now I know what it feels like to be owned mentally and physically. There's no part of me he's left untouched. There's a semblance of a mark on every bit of me.

He commented a few weeks ago, when I was upside down in my thought processes- that I was putting too much pressure on myself. Neither one of us thought it would ever go this deep, but now that we're here he's happy with where things are at, so I need to be happy as well. His words "quite pleased".

So when I thought I dove into the waters head first a few years ago....

I never realized that I had only waded into the shallow end of the pool.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I've heard that term used in bdsm circles. Usually in M/s dynamics where a Master feels it necessary to "break" his slave. I'm not going to presume the multitude of reasons why. I just know from things I've read that this is usually an intentional process or situation.

I've never thought of a slave being "broken" was necessarily a bad thing, although the methods to which a slave is broken might curl my toes. To me being broken is like tearing down that last wall of self and finally admitting that there is no 'you' in the equation. Like a tortured prisoner finally reaching that point where they give up the information to their captor. I'm not talking a scene, but real life, pissing in your pants in fear kind of giving it up to save themselves.

I've had moments with Jefe where I break down, feel that liberation from life and can reach out and feel nothing but my submission to him. I've had many of those moments, some were intentional on his part, some were not. I've had many intense moments, scenes, sessions whatever you want to call them that have brought me out of this world and into that dreamy realm of sub space.

This past weekend surpassed any and all preconceived notions on anything I ever thought regarding bdsm, a power exchange, M/s, and my relationship in general with him.

As luck would have it, my two afternoon meetings were canceled last Thursday, so instead of leaving at 6 or 7 pm. I was packed and out the door by 2:15. Made it up north with plenty of daylight and time left to the day. Master wasted no time in instructing me on his wishes. By the time I'd been there 20 min, I was already mostly naked, a hooks in my arse and cunt tied to an overhead beam so as to apply the right kind of pressure you know, hands clasped behind my head and eyes closed- - as instructed.

I hadn't even had time to pee!

Which gave me pause for concern, but that is an entirely different matter, and thankfully one I don't have to write about in this blog LOL.

I finally felt the single tail. OH MY FREAKING GOD!!! That thing hurt like nothing I've ever felt before. I wasn't expecting that weapon either, so I'm not sure if that made it hurt more. It was like punishment pain. There's a definite distinction in the types of pain he inflicts. pleasure type pain, and holy fucking shit that hurts so I won't ever do it again pain. This was the latter. Now when I'm punished, the rare times it does happen, I know in advance that it is a punishment, and what it's for. In my head, I could only reconcile this type of hurt as punishment, but didn't know what for. Each lash cut into me figuratively, as the pain intensified, so did my angst. I could feel the bitch starting to rise. He asked a question, but I couldn't even formulate a word or phrase to answer, when I finally did- my tone was not exactly pleasant.

As I appear to be a budding masochist/pain slut, he's experimenting with pain- exploring his sadistic side. I understood that, I got that, I was good with that am good with that.

There was nothing typical in my reaction. I was on edge, pins and needles, couldn't see, smell, barely hear, all I had left was touch. Every touch tossed me to a higher plane, my emotions bounced faster than I did. For the first time, ever, I didn't like him. It wasn't one of those "is he done yet" moments. It wasn't one of those "this hurts me mother fucker" moments. It wasn't a "fucking punishment" moment.

It was one of those moments where I wanted to be away from him, cringed from his touch, struggled to make it stop. Felt him continue as he wanted to, he took and took- just like he should.

I recognized in those moments of extreme angst that this is what I signed up for, this is what it boils down to, it's the feral side of the power exchange, the nastiness, the blatant hunger. It's life without a safe word, life with that much trust and love for someone to say take me I'm yours- and mean it. It wasn't being nudged past a comfort zone, it was being knocked clear across the field.

Within seconds of the ropes being freed, I sought his touch. Even through all of my emotional upheaval, despite how much I wanted to be free from him in those moments, I needed him. I had been broken at the barest level, the darkest point, the deepest well.

Later on after some discussion, and I finally realized what my roller coaster of emotions was, he did what any good Master should do...

He fixed me.

He did not set out to break me on Thursday. He did nonetheless. I am bound by a whole new definition, something emotional.

The rest of the weekend was beyond description, and due to snow, I had an extra day/night on top of all that.

Monday, March 5, 2012

On the gas pedal *grins*. Bet you weren't expecting that. It's been an interesting week. A week ago, he was here, lifting himself up and out of his void and being a welcomed part of my zoo.

We both needed that immensely.

Less than 48 hours after we parted, we were together again. What a weekend it was. Both of us on the same page, working side by side with menial chores, sharing our coveted power exchange, living and breathing as if we were one and the same.

Because we were.

There are things that come into play, without words that solidify intent. The dreams we have, and how we want the future to evolve.

Screw time.

It will be ticking whether we want it to or not.

Each day is one day closer to where I want to be.

I have some more thinking to do.

During the course of the weekend, he put forth some scenes that stopped me dead in my tracks. Then later I casually tossed out something to the effect of not admitting that it did titillate me. So I had to write about why I didn't admit it in the first place- to the one person I'm supposed to divulge things to.

While I was writing, I had an epiphany regarding said behavior. I now have to elaborate (at my request) on that specific topic.

Free-will.

Sounds easy to write about doesn't it?

Not so easy when one is trying so diligently to give up said will. It doesn't mean doormat or bobble-head. Of that I am certain, but it is nagging at me to figure out why I'm still clinging to it. Especially in regards to admitting to him what does and does not send a shiver down my spine.

So, full steam ahead, pedal to the metal, I'm diving into my head again.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

This past week was one of great stress. I have been an unhappy servant (not sure what I am today, so servant will do) . We're both sitting in a 'bad' place. We want nothing more than to be in the same place, but life and circumstances are keeping us from that opportunity.

What makes it more difficult is that we're both problem solvers, and when we see something that needs doing, we do. In this instance, we both feel helpless to make it happen.

While the move wouldn't be earth-shattering, it would mean I leave my job, the kids leave their schools and a complete change in how they live.

I love country living myself, but this would be beyond a culture shock. This is living off the land kind of living, not churning our own butter, but learning how NOT to live is a better term.

I'm contemplating how I can make this work, short of having a 400 mile daily commute, I'm not sure how, but in the scheme of things that seems like a small concession. Time will tell, but we do have to work toward something.

Friday, February 24, 2012

He's letting me in finally. Nothing he revealed was anything I didn't already know, but the point was he's letting me in. Recognizing the need to do that is half the battle, feeling confident in your partner to be receptive is the other half.

He conquered both yesterday. Tomorrow he may retreat, but yesterday he conquered a battle.

That's what counts.

It's going to be a tough road ahead of us, tougher than the entire last year was. I'm trying not to withdraw into a little shell in fear of being heartbroken, but unless something drastic changes in our living arrangements, I really don't see how this can survive. It's not enough for either one of us and how long can you pretend that it works until there's just nothing left but excuses for missed visits, less communication, and then finally resentment.

Now there is a chance, and that's the one I'm pulling for (notice the cheerleader get up) that we will make it through. Lord knows we're both trying, neither one of us want to give up this once in a lifetime special relationship that we both recognize for what it is.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Only worked a half day in the office today. The plan was to escape and come home to finish up some things that have fallen by the wayside because of the large amount of time spent in testing mode for the past few weeks.

I managed to get one of those tasks done to my satisfaction, and tomorrow is a work from home day, so hopefully I'll clear the larger one off my plate with a new day and full day with no distractions.

I just got the strangest phone call.

If y'all remember, the kids and I went to the Ren Fair on Monday. There was a vendor there selling his photographs. Beautiful landscapes of various spots in AZ. Absolutely incredible. I wandered through his space, made small talk with him, asked if he had a website, blah blah blah.

I wasn't going to make an impulse purchase, until I came across this one work. It simply grabbed me, I had to have it.

So I bought it and it is now hanging above my bed.

During the transaction, I used my debit card, so he had to get the pertinent info in case something didn't go through.

So he just called, not to see if I liked the photo, but to ask if I was married.

I was dumbfounded. I told him I was in a relationship and was flattered that he made a call to ask.

The blonde was in my room and she had all she could do not to burst out laughing.

I don't believe something like that has ever happened to me in this manner before.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

I've done much reflecting since my post the other night. There hasn't been much of a change in his behavior, although we did have a good talk yesterday. Today I sent off an email, posing my questions and response to our conversation. I voiced my opinion and let him know I was struggling with some concepts.

I acknowledge that my behavior is bordering on childish, and I'm doing much much thinking on and about it. I've come to a few conclusions today. Servitude, while voluntary, stretches beyond the daily obvious and into the sublime. It's easy to react/respond, but as a submissive/slave it's not always easy to take the initiative. Mindset for me is key, and I let it fall by the wayside when we go through the ebb tide in the relationship.

Key words there "I let it fall by the wayside".

It's not up to him to keep me in what I call my serving space. Keeping myself there is not as easy as it would seem.

In my head a power exchange can't be present if only one person is or appears to be working at it full time. I'm also letting ego get in my way, and digging my heels in (wrongly) because I "feel" like I'm not getting the attention I deserve. I'm letting my pride get in the way. Pride and ego are two things that can harm the M/s dynamic. When I take pride in serving him and pleasing him, that's one thing. But to be holding back from him because of pride and ego- that's entirely another.

I'm owned, willingly and voluntarily, so when did it evolve that I am the one to decide how much attention I deserve?

I understand what's going on with him, why he goes silent, what's on his plate in recent weeks. I need to get past this notion that I have this independent self that is rearing her Domme head and stomping her feet for attention, or trying to justify why I am not behaving a certain way.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Most of what I write here these days is when I am agst'ng about my relationship. I don't mean to bore anyone, but this is one place I can vent.

He really pissed me off today, actually he's been gradually upping the pissed of factor steadily over the last two weeks. I didn't get disrespectful, I kept my cool, but did reply to a message with a single "fine".

We haven't spoken since.

Every relationship has ups and downs, and I don't write nearly enough about all the ups we have. There are plenty of those.

These last two weeks are testing every ounce of sub patience I have. I'm not putting any extra effort into the dynamic, taking a very dominant attitude if you ask me.

I realize this, but am doing nothing to stop it.

I know it's wrong, but I'm doing nothing to stop it.

I'm supposed to be pleasing, that's what a slave is supposed to do, right? I'm not acting slavish. I don't think he's acting very Master-ish either. I'm not trying to be manipulating, or topping from the bottom. I'm simply not putting any extra effort, because quite frankly, I don't think he is either.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but I'm doing nothing to stop it.

We'll get through it, and I'll probably have some sore flesh over my actions.

And I'll be doing nothing to stop it. I won't try and escape, plead, bargain, or manipulate.

I'm not consciously or unconsciously asking for a punishment. I HATE his punishments, they are not fun whatsoever. Right now, noticing the behavior is off would be a step up.

I know all about communication, and how it's key. It's not about not being able to communicate. Sometimes it just takes awhile to gather the thoughts

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Well it was not the beginning of the end. I may have been at my wits end back then, but as we all know everything comes in cycles, ebbs/flows etc. It's part of life, taking the good with the bad. It also helps when one understands what's going on during those ebb periods.

Feeling left in the dark can be very frustrating, even when you know it will pass. Doesn't make it any less to deal with at that time.

It's a new year, and I'm sure some things won't change. I'll probably continue to air my frustrations out here, because I can. It's not that I can't/won't share them with him, this just gives me an opportunity to blow off the steam, or just vent. It helps me put things into perspective so I approach him rationally.

Much of what I'm experiencing is new, the dynamic is new, or should I say this deep of a dynamic. I've never released the slave in me before. Never trusted someone deep enough to withdraw my limits, and mean it when I use the term Master.

We may not be a conventional "hand everything over" M/s couple, but the control that has been given has been freely accepted with new boundaries examined frequently.

I don't regret giving him the power, I don't see him through rose colored glasses (just in case you haven't read previous blogs), I am first human, second a woman, third his slave (somewhere in there is mother, worker, friend, daughter etc.). I would be lying if I considered myself to be his slave above and beyond anything else I am. It's a fine line though, learning what clicks and what doesn't.

I'm learning how the M/s dynamic meshes with the parent dynamic. That is very difficult for me. One I'm struggling with actually. He doesn't have children, so it's a learning curve for both of us. I'm always on guard, but sometimes maybe too much so it feels like sometimes.