As you can tell from the George Michael reference in the heading, I’m a bit of a ‘muso’.
If you asked anyone who knows me what I like most in the world, they’d likely be torn between picking eating a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, or listening to a cracking tune.

When I’m not eating a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, I spend the rest of my waking life with a song stuck in my head. Sometimes this is great, and I can gently bogal about my day.

Unfortunately, the rest of the time is like being in a mental disco prison with a cretin like fucking Kevin in control of the jukebox in your thinker.

For example, I spent three days with the theme tune of Men Behaving Badly on perpetual loop. It’s like Guantanamo I’d have thought, but more Martin Clunesy.

Luckily, when I’m not enjoying a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, I’ve come up with a system.

If you sing Sledgehammer by Peter Gabriel in your head, it immediately replaces any clingy mind stinkers. And who doesn’t like Sledgehammer? You’re welcome.

I digress, the other day, I bought a delicious Cadbury Wispa Gold chocolate bar at work, then eagerly scampered back to my desk mentally singing “I’ve got a Wispa Gold bar” along to the tune of I’ve Got A Golden Ticket from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I didn’t even want to revert to the Sledgehammer Protocol (trademark pending) due to my excitement about the imminent delicious Cadbury Wispa Gold chocolate bar.

Charlie got a golden ticket befitting of the beaming ditty, I got a hollow Wispa Gold bar which made my version an ironic jarring jingle. On a Monday too. That one event made my Monday about 9 times Mondayer.

As I say, I love a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar as much as the next man, but this has made my brand loyalty take a significant wobble, bordering on a bellyflop into a piss drenched canyon.

How do we fix this?

I can’t imagine life without being able to enjoy a delicious Cadbury chocolate bar, but I am petty enough to revert to Galaxy on principle, the “is Pepsi Ok?” of chocolate.

I’ve sent a copy of this to your CEO Mary Barnard via her publicly available email as you will only accept contact via online form.

Thank you for contacting us regarding the problem you had with Cadbury Wispa Gold.

In order that we can correctly process your complaint, we require a little more information about the product. If you still have the packaging, could you please provide the following information: the full product description and weight of the product, the best before date and the batch/lot code (located near the best before date, beginning with three letters).

Also if you could please provide your full name, postal address and contact telephone number.

I am sorry you have cause to complain; as soon as we receive this information we can investigate this matter further for you.

Thank you for your patience and co-operation and we apologise for any inconvenience.

I haven’t weighed the product as I lack the requisite chocolate weighing equipment, and it would also be weird, bordering on psychopathic if I had happened to weigh a chocolate bar before eating it, but I trust this is enough info.

Consumer Conversations Consultant

From: Mark JorgensenTo: Mondelez International Consumer Service

CC: Irene RosenfeldSubject: Carless Wispa Gold

Hi

It’s been two weeks with no contact or correspondence. Did you ask for my address to send me something or was it just really, really poorly timed data collection?

Just looping in Mondelez CEO Irene Rosenfeld to see if that helps.

Ta la

From: Mondelez International Consumer ServiceTo: Mark Jorgensen

CC: Irene RosenfeldSubject: Carless Wispa Gold

Dear Mark,

We are extremely sorry It has taking so long to get back to you. We have now issued you an apology letter for the original issue and for the delay in getting this response to you. This letter includes a voucher to put towards any of our products and should be with you in the next 7-10 working days.

Had to fill in a consent form at the hospital today. The conversation with the receptionist when I handed it in was a treat.

What does this say under your religion?
Tapirs
What’s that?
They’re like anteater things.
What are?
Tapirs
Is that a religion?
It is to me
So it’s not a real thing?
Tapirs are real things, yes
No, for a religion..
Is it going to make a difference for my operation today?
No I suppose not. Shall I put ‘other’?
Ok.
Thanks love
May tapirs be with you

Recently, you and I had a bit of a bicker, which you can read here. You did some things (like over charge me for years for a service you weren’t properly providing). I said some things (like you chew with your mouth open and you are worse than environMENTALIST pelican botherers BP). Then we cleared the air. It was all left behind us and we could move on, linking hands and skipping merrily across a meadow together.

Or so I thought. Since the technical issues at your side were fixed, and the billing issues at your side were apparently addressed, it transpires you have been charging me nearly 300% our agreed amount for absolutely no reason at all. In a series of complaints, I have been told 3 completely separate baffling technical reasons why this has happened, 3 different baffling technical ways to resolve it.

The one thing not one person has said is “Sorry about that sir, what a cock up. It’s some technical issue on our side I won’t bore you with the details, we’ll fix it and refund you immediately!”

I’m going to outline a hypothetical customer journey with BT.

Imagine you suddenly discover that your internet provider has, out of nowhere, changed you £100 per month instead of the £40 flat fee you’ve agreed in writing following a relatively high level complaint.

I’m going to skip the initial automated answering merry-go-round in the interests of brevity.

Call 1

So what seems to be the problem sir?

You have randomly taken £100 out of my account instead of the agreed £40 for the last two months?

I see. Let’s have a look. Ah yes, I can see this relates to a glitch about the billing cycle you use. It’s not a problem.

Well it is a problem.

No, you see, what’s happened is, your type of account can sometimes be subject to something we call a MOSW, which is a Money Out Snatch Whim, it relates to estimates on how you hold the hand set when you make phone calls.

I’ve told you as an organisation approximately 50 times that I don’t make phone calls. The phone line is for the broadband

That’s why we estimate, you see.

That doesn’t make any sense. Please change my bill and refund the error.

Hmmmm, I’m not sure we can do that on this bill method.

I don’t care what bill method you use, that’s your problem. You are charging more than we agreed.

I will have to call you back tomorrow if that’s ok sir?

Fine.

Call 2 (2 days later)

Hi I’m calling in relation to your complaint about the error with your phone connection?

WHAT? I DON’T HAVE A PHONE!!!!!!!! I COMPLAINED ABOUT CHARGES.

That is not what our notes say, sir.

I DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR NOTES SAY

*you explain issue again in painstaking detail while you know zero notes are being taken*

Oh that is a pickle sir, let’s have a look. I think I’ve spotted the problem. The reason you’ve been charged extra is due to a billing estimation based on heavy broadband.

Heavy broadband?

Yes it’s not a problem, it’s quite common.

It is a problem.

No, you see sir, what happens is, sometimes the internet we provide is subject to surges in electromagnetic fields around the globe. This can make some of the internet that we provide you extremely heavy and therefore costs a little extra. As you can imagine, there is little way for us to tell which of the internet is heavy, so this is estimated based on the weight of your previous usage.

I don’t know what any of that means. It’s absolutely ridiculous. I have a flat fee, for unlimited broadband with no usage-based charges.

Hmmm, that is strange. Are you a Leo?

WHAT?!!!!!

Sometimes there can be astrological issues which can cause billing glitches.

I don’t care about the reasons. I pay £40, not £100. Fix it, and refund me.

Hmmm, I’ll have to look into it and call you back. Call I call you tomorrow?

Call 3 (2 days later)

Hi I’m calling about the replacement broadband hub you’ve requested?

WHAT!!!!?!!!!! ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME? IS THIS FONEJACKER OR SOMETHING?

There’s no need to be quite so angry sir.

*you explain issue again in painstaking detail while you know zero notes are being taken*

That is not what our notes say sir, but I know what the problem is. I’ve seen this before. You see, the billing cycle you are on can sometimes be subject to anomaly known as ‘the ghost of broadband past’. This is basically a semi-fictional gelatinous blob of unpaid bills from around the world which have banded together and erroneously travel around our customer records searching for their rightful home. It can cause billing fluctuations. It’s not a problem.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, NOR DO I CARE AND IT IS A PROBLEM. WE AGREED £40 PER MONTH, I DO NOT PAY ANY MORE THAN THIS. UNDERSTOOD? YOU HAVE TAKEN EXCESS CHARGES. REFUND IT.

Hmmm, are you left handed sir?

WHAT?!!!

You see, on the billing cycle you use, you can….

*CLICK*

I have exaggerated for illustrative purposes, but genuinely it’s not that far off.

Thought I’d give you feedback. There is a very helpful guy called Carl XXXX who has been assisting with this hopefully it will be resolved today with a full refund. Gary XXXX was as helpful as an erection in church FYI.

If the issue is not rectified and monies refunded within a day or two, I will cancel my account and all future payments with my bank, as you clearly cannot be trusted with billing me. You could feel free to send me future paper bills through the post, but *SPOILER ALERT*……………I will not be paying them. You’d be more than welcome to pursue this in a small claims court as any objective analysis of this situation would side with me.

In summary:

I hope it doesn’t come to that.

Ta

M x

From: Carl XXX
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: RE: VOL012-101408173010

Hello Mr Jorgensen

Just to tie up the loose ends following our conversation yesterday. I’ve actioned the ex gratia £60.00 credit to your account and it’s now on its way to your bank account. This should be with you within 5 working days.

Just to break the figures down. £51.41 was the original overpayment shown on your account. £50.00 was refunded yesterday – my fiscal limit and the remaining discussed £10.00 earlier today.

The total refund is £111.41.

You’ll get a text confirmation of a date change shortly to ensure that effective from the April bill, we take payment purely for your rental charges each month on or after the 26th of each month.

Thank you for the opportunity to resolve matters to your satisfaction.

Usually when I complain to companies, I have a pretty regimented structure which goes thusly:

Intro with a compliment to gain trust

Some form of ridiculous whimsy or other

Then the crux of my issue, interspersed with whimsy

Some more (underhand) compliments

Some more whimsy

A mad cap demand

Not necessarily a blue print for a complaint letter, but it works for me.

The problem is that every time I sit to write to BT, you aggravate me so much that I get overcome with dormant APE RAGE and can barely type three words before mashing the keypad and screeching like a baboon with a fire ant in its anus.

So rather than being disingenuous and trying to keep to this format, I’m simply going to list my grievances, with the odd generic insult thrown in to lighten the mood:

My internet doesn’t work properly and, in a way, never really has.

My internet cuts off intermittently

You voted for UKIP

BT can’t fix any technical problems

You don’t have bilateral symmetry

BT seem relatively disinterested in technical faults

BT cannot follow very, very simple billing instructions

The ultrasound of your baby looks like an electric frog

Nobody at BT has any comprehension that as a customer, I have no knowledge or interest in the organisational structure of your company

Your overseas call centres – which generally I have no problem with whatsoever – seem to be full of people who can only speak the English words on the script in front of them. Phonetically.

You don’t pronounce the word cavalry correctly

Upon querying my billing amount, you have been over-billing me by approximately £15 per month for the last year. Maybe two. The rate I’ve been on is overpriced and particularly for services I don’t need and the ones I do don’t work.

You are the worst company prefixed with ‘British’, and BP killed all those swans with petrol or whatever.

Any query results in being passed to several departments and having to re-explain the issue to several different people who don’t give a solitary shit.

You attract spiders

The additions include several telephone-oriented ‘bolt on’ services you have added despite me repeatedly telling you I don’t use a home phone. The line is for the internet only.

You are delighted by the plight of endangered animals.

I never get a call back when I request one

In relation to point 7, I asked for my billing date to be changed, anticipating some moving around of money in accounts, you assured me this was done.

In relation to the above, you didn’t change and I was cut off immediately

You chew with your mouth open.

Paying particular attention to points 1, 2, 4, 5, 12, 14, 21 and an addendum of the fact that I’ve been paying for high speed internet, yet your engineers tell me I’ve been getting roughly a quarter of the speed I pay for, I am at the end of a very long shit-smeared tether of incompetence.

Back to a list, here is what we’re going to do

I have attached an invoice for the overbilling, which if we do the math(s):

A conservative guess on timescales of this would be around 12 months.

So 12 x £15 =£180*

*Please note that this is extremely conservative as it does not include the additional charges I have incurred from my mobile phone provider for overusing 4G when my wireless regularly doesn’t work.

This invoice must be paid into the bank account details on the invoice within 30 days with a payment reference of WEPROBABLYKILLEDJESUSTOO.

I will consider a counter offer.

An engineer must unequivocally repair my internet within 7 days.

(This is attempt number 6 to get this so, for reference

RE-PAIR, verb

restore (something damaged, faulty, or worn) to a good condition.

“faulty electrical appliances should be repaired by an electrician”)

An apology in the form of a limerick.

Failure to adhere to these points will result in the immediate cancellation of all BT services and the passing of owed monies to a collections team.

As we discussed I have refunded the incorrect charges on your bills over the last 12 months.

I have removed the caller display service, Broadband Talk and arranged for the BT Sports to be free for another 12 months. Please see the below breakdown of these charges refunded

· April 2014 -Broadband Talk= £17.95

· July 2014 -Broadband talk = £10.50

· October 2014 -Broadband talk= £10.50

· October 2013- Caller display =£6.00

· April 2014 -Caller display = £5.25

· July 2014- Caller display = £5.25

· October 2014-Caller display = £5.25

· October 2014- BT SPORTS- £2.00

Total refund= £61.95

Due to the excess usage charges you received when you first joined BT for broadband I have agreed to refund £38.05 towards this cost, the total refund calculated is £100.00 this will be sent you via cheque in the next 10 working days.

In relation to your broadband issues this has been passed to BT’s high level escalation team, as soon I receive any further knows I will keep you informed.

If BT are able to resolve the broadband speed and drop in service I will look at adding a new broadband contract to your account which will result in a cheaper package. I don’t want to make any changes to your account though until you are happy with the level of service you are receiving.

I will check the progress of your broadband on Friday and give you a call, but if you need anything in the meantime please give me a call or drop me an email.

I live and work in Manchester city centre so I seldom have a use for the tram network. Nevertheless, I occasionally pop out to the suburbs on a middle class pilgrimage to seek the wonders of Disbury’s dried spice market, haberdasheries, or sometimes to just drink a lot and mindlessly hector passing students.

On such occasions, I always take the tram rather than buses, for the following reasons:

– They feel a little more futuristic and I like gadgets
– There are roughly 43% less twats
– I can gaze out of the window and imagine it’s a film montage of me undergoing some sort of intense introspection. It seems more authentic than being on a vomit and/or semen-drenched magic bus seat.

On Wednesday 8th July I travelled to Disdbury on one of your trams. Not for a wicker basket of kale, nor a steamed-dried filet of free range water bison, but to have a curry and watch football. Having been just in time snag the last remaining inches of space on the rush hour tram, I was hugely uncomfortable, but happy to be on board. I’m not being dramatic, they were quite literally the last inches; the door trapped my jacket behind me, my loin was too close to several fellow passengers and a curious man with a body odour I can only liken to sort of an ammonia-based underpants disaster had the nook of his armpit nestled roughly 0.7 inches from the receptor cells inside my nose.

I appreciate that running only 3 carriages at this time might cause consternation to many of the people who missed the tram that day, and they are probably right. But thankfully, I made the tram, so I don’t care. This is about me.

What I DO take umbrage with, is the presence of a huge cobweb. Just above my head. With offending spider present. See attached photograph.

I am a man, and as a consequence feel duty-bound to be macho where possible. I recently went fishing in Cyprus and conquered a giant crab. I emerged bloodied and victorious from the battle, with my Alpha male gland (metaphorically speaking, please don’t confuse with my glans), buoyed and blooming. So I am, technically speaking, not a quivering coward by nature.

Unfortunately, spiders are my kryptonite. I would happily sit in a giant wooden box filled with a variety of snakes, than have a little house spider anywhere near me. It’s a foible, not a phobia.

People who are terrified of spiders often get dubbed arachnophobes, but this is a little harsh. Being scared of buttons (Koumpounophobia) is a phobia. There are not tens of thousands of species of venomous buttons. Being afraid of spiders is a perfectly rational, limbic response to threat, harking back to millions of years of evolution.

So, to cut a long story short, I am disgusted, and admittedly scared, to discover you allow our multi-million pound tram system in Manchester to be riddled with spiders. This was an intricately built and vast web, it was not a throw-up temporary one for an idle-minded commuting spider (not a species). This guy was living there. I managed to not scream like a kicked weasel throughout my journey, but at the expense of my comfort and dignity.

Therefore, please can you provide me with the following information:

– Metrolink’s policy on spiders
– An explanation as to how/why this wasn’t cleaned, and the spider thrashed into a twitching clump by a Metrolink employee prior to the tram leaving that day.
– Your assurances that I will not be subjected to any arachnid-based trauma on future journeys

Thanks in advance,

Mark Jorgensen

From: Customer Services [mailto:customerservices@metrolink.co.uk]

To: Mark JorgensenSubject: Correspondence Acknowledgement

Thank you for contacting the Metrolink Customer Experience team.

We appreciate you taking the time to share your comments with us. Our Customer Experience team will respond to your comments as soon as possible, but please be aware that this can take up to 15 working days if further investigation is required. If we are unable to provide you with a full response in this time, we will contact you to explain why.

If you wish to speak to us in relation to your comments or if your enquiry is urgent, please call a member of our Customer Experience team on 0161 205 2000; the team will be available between 06.00 and 23.00 Monday to Friday, 08.00 and 20.00 Saturday and Sunday.

Thank you again for taking the time to contact Metrolink; we value your feedback.

From: Mark Jorgensen

To: ‘SEdwards@metrolink.co.uk’; ‘customerservices@metrolink.co.uk’Subject: RE: SPIDERS ON A TRAMImportance: High

I must say, even with spider issues left aside, your rate of response is pretty appalling. I was going to make some snarky comment about your trams being equally late and infrequent but seems too obvious. Although I kind of just indirectly said it anyway. Soz.

FYI – Popping an out of office warning you take up to 15 days (which is a ludicrous amount of time), doesn’t automatically excuse it. If I popped an out of office on my work email saying “sorry, it takes me two weeks to reply to emails”, I can imagine it would be received as well as me popping “thanks for your email, I’m busy servicing other clients. As is YOUR mum”.

Just some additional feedback.

As a customer.

You aren’t currently servicing.

As customer services.

Thank you again for taking the time not to contact Mark Jorgensen; we value your ignorance.

In my inimitably childish ‘payday millionaire’ weekend I was recovering from a night of making expensively bad life decisions by watching the FA Cup on a bed that, frankly, could probably do with a Hoover.

One of your adverts popped on offering a free £25 bet for opening an account. Why the Dickens not, the twat in my mind figured. With Chelsea and Stoke nearing a start I clumsily thumbed my way through the understandably interminable registration process. I popped a tenner in my account to put that, and the free £25 you kindly offered, on Chelsea striker Samuel Eto’o to bag the first goal.

Arguably not the complete striker of old, Eto’o’s hattrick the week before prompted me to figure it was worth a flutter for a possible return of £151.67.

Now, don’t let my use of complicated betting spiel like ‘return’ and ‘flutter’ deceive you. I understand as much about betting as the average stray dog hastily shaken awake in a piss drenched doorway.

That makes me your prime target market. An impulse-driven ABC1 dickwit with an approach to money that would make that patronising Money Saving Expert fella develop a worry hernia in his mind. If I won, I’m exactly the sort of guy who might think immediately that I’m some sort of footballing sooth sayer and plunder my future hateful children’s inheritance on risky accumulators in the Serbian Women’s 2nd Division while supposedly defecating at work.

Then I was notified that, despite taking my deposit, my account was blocked for a random security check. I was told it wasn’t an issue, I just merely have to provide you with photocopies of all of my major identification and financial documentation. That’s my Eto’o bet up the swanny isn’t it? I open betting accounts impulsively on Sunday afternoons, does that make me sound like I know where my passport is? Or that I have convenient access to a scanning printer?

I understand that post 9/11, everyone needs to be a little more diligent, but we needn’t be dicks about it. This felt like you were some sort of square-jawed American Immigrations officer screaming irrational demands for information based on the fact that I ‘looked a bit muslish’.

But who am I to question your process? So please find enclosed all requested documents, along with a scan of my face, a chest hair for DNA verification, a dot of my blood, and a schematic drawing of my body with all identifiable scars, blemishes, freckles and monstrous penises highlighted. I trust this wins your approval.

Please can you return the chest hair after the test, I’m making a scarf for a girl I look at on the tram.

Ta M

P.s. I’ve just remembered, it wasn’t Eto’o, it was Oscar. He’s just scored. You owe me £151.67

I’ve always considered myself a sesquipedalian sort of chap. My aunt once said I was the ‘Nigel Mansell of words’. To be honest I don’t really understand the relation and I think she got her metaphor a bit jumbled but I appreciated the sentiment all the same.

Imagine my dismay then, a couple of days ago, while casually padding around Facebook prior to work when a story popped up on my newsfeed that literally punched my brain right in its think bollocks. Literally.

The story in question was from the BBC news website (no less) heralding the adaptation of the word ‘literally’ to be used metaphorically. The example cited was shit-witted football jeggings mannequin Jamie Redknapp’s regular comical misuse of the word ‘literally’ during his frankly agonising punditry.

This causes several issues for me:

The word literal (and literally) is pretty literal in its meaning. For something literal to be used metaphorically is a pointless use of this word and, at the risk of sounding like a word snob, is born out of stupidity rather than kooky modern adaptation. Similar to a tautology such as ‘a little midget’ or a ‘hot fire’, it’s just a casual everyday misuse which while rattles the brain of pedants like me, is just something that often does, and rightfully should, go unnoticed.

It should not – under any circumstance – cause the adaptation of the official definition of a word.

Nothing Jamie Redknapp does, says or thinks should – for the love of bastarding crikey – have any impact on the Oxford English Dictionary.

The reason cited by Senior OED editor Fiona MacPherson was “If enough people use a word in a particular way… it will find its way into the dictionary.”

This is utterly ludicrous. I know numerous people who use the word ‘Pacific’ instead of ‘specific’ as some sort of weird collective blind spot. Each time I hear this it kicks its way into my ears wearing shit-smeared army boots. Nevertheless a lot of people say it. Must we adapt the definition of both specific and Pacific to be interchangeable as any git sees fit?

In light of these reasons I would like two things from you:

A better explanation for your reasoning for the change in definition of the word literally.

Consider the input of a phrase popularly used by a lot of people. There have been many weird phrases just added to the dictionary willy-nilly of late (that too, probably) and a glaring omission of popular nomenclature is:

(Phrase) ‘Pipe me off’:

1. A sign of indifference/disdain i.e. “The Oxford English Dictionary can pipe me off after that literally thing.“

2. A literal meaning of sexual congress. “Louise, it’s me Jamie Redknapp, you’re going to have to peel these trousers off with an ice pick if you want to pipe me off”.

3. PMO (acronym). “OED? PMO more like”

I thank you for your time and look forward to hearing from you. If I fail to get a response, I will literally kick myself to death.