Lindy West

New studies suggest that taking aspirin every day can help reduce your risk of cancer. Well that's easy, right? Take that, cancer! Run out and buy all the aspirin! Cancer is destroyed!

Not to pooh-pooh all over medical science — and I'm not calling these studies a liar and I'm all for people not getting cancer — but let's be honest. WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET CANCER. Like, at this point, doesn't it seem like everything in the world either gives you cancer or keeps you from getting cancer? So…isn't that kind of a wash? Could anyone on earth actually live their life in accordance with all of the anti-cancer precautions that the media/medical establishment/savvy marketers throw at us?

As an experiment, I decided to give it a try myself:

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I wake up each morning in my windowless Singapore apartment. I'm a woman, which puts me at risk for all kinds of terrible girl-cancers, but Singapore has the lowest female cancer rate in the world, so I abandoned my family and moved here. Then I never spoke to them again (I don't use cell phones-who am I, Evel Knievel???).

For dinner I eat my leftover hair-salmon and boob-artichokes (both raw, duh). There's typically a lot of my hair still stuck in the salmon, but did you know that human hair is organic? Score! At bedtime, if I have trouble sleeping, I never smoke marijuana or take sleeping pills—instead I prefer to toast a few pounds of brazil nuts and let my own rhythmic munching lull me to sleep.

It's just that simple, people! The only major drawback to leading such a complicated lifestyle is the constant stress. Oh, wait. Fuck. Fuck you, cancer.