Barney's Blog Archives

The Bro-nicles of Barnia.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

ABOUT THE ARCHIVE

Recently, CBS upgraded the HIMYM official site and got rid of all the back entries in Barney's blog. Well, never fear - next time you want to know what Barney has to say about jai alai, Kansas, or Taller-Than-You Chick, we've got you covered.

Monday, November 5, 2007

BARNEY’S MAIL SACK

From time to time, I like to dip my hand into my mail sack and respond to a devoted reader. This week, I’ve chosen an email that addresses two areas of growing global concern: the environment and fashion.

Dear Barney,

I recently suited up with my best friend in hopes of being as awesome as you, but when we suited up, it was ninety-eight degrees outside and everyone just thought we were crazy. Do you suit up in warm weather, and if so, how do you stay cool?

Tim

Timothy, you’ve touched upon a heated issue: Global Warming. Some members of the “scientific community” would have you believe that human activity is causing global temperatures to increase at a catastrophic and unnatural rate. “Wait, scientists, let me get this straight: You’re telling me it’s gonna be like summer all year round? Oh no! Panic! Let’s all go out and buy pukey hybrid cars and only take showers once a week!” Please.

Curiously, while much of the “research” has focused on promoting scare tactics like “melting ice caps” and “irreversible drought,” few have discussed how a “global warming” would affect people who don’t live in impoverished nations or on ice caps. Your Uncle Barney’s here to talk about what rising temperatures would mean for fashion.

One very welcome outcome would be a decrease in aggregate clothing for the female population. Two thumbs up. But would today’s exceptionally-clad gentlemen have to trade in their fine woolen three-buttons for a neon tank top, denim shorts and flip-flops? Would an entire nation of men suddenly dress like Orlando? No. That would be irresponsible, which is why we must make changes today to protect the fashion environment for our future generations.

Here are five tips on how you can suit up while keeping temperatures down.

SLEEVELESS APRON SHIRT: As it’s rarely acceptable to take off your jacket (what are you, a waiter?), the sleeveless apron shirt is a Stinson summer staple. Giving the appearance of a fully tailored and collared dress shirt, its sleeveless and backless design affords optimum breeze with minimum fabric, cooling your skin without compromising your couture dignity.

CROTCH VENT*: While conventional wisdom claims that heat escapes from the head and hands, if you’re anything like your Uncle Barney, there is one area of the body that runs a little hotter than the rest. A strategic hole placed in the crotch can allow for optimum trade winds both north and south of your equator. Tactical placement of a small taxi fan can maximize your expected draft. NOTE: Sudden movements on tighter-fitting pants can lead to unexpected junk exposure.

DESK PANTS: If you work at a desk job, simply take off your pants. CAUTION: When rocking the top-half-business-bottom-half-party look, remember to reapply your pants before running off to an important meeting.

MESH SUIT: A dangerous but potentially life-changing alternative, the mesh suit cannot be approached haphazardly. It must contain the darkest and smallest diameter mesh fabric possible lest you risk looking like you’re late for a 1980s high school football or rock band practice. Tailored properly, the mesh suit resembles a classic pinstripe while stealthily providing the comfort of a screen-door breeze. Added bonus: The pants provide an exciting, albeit risky alternative to your strip club ensemble. Added added bonus: No more pesky tan lines.

RELOCATE TO ALASKA: It’s cold there. I think there might be penguins. And penguins are the original suit-wearers. If anything can survive a global warming, it’s those little guys.

*Alterations to existing suits should only be performed on your last-ditch, “laundry day” garments…the ones hanging in the back of your suit humidor.

Monday, October 29, 2007

TED MOSBY, SEX ARCHITECT

As many of you know, I have been hard at work (pun intended) on my highly anticipated adult film script, “Ted Mosby, Sex Architect.” For the better part of a week now, I’ve been furiously banging out the following body of work (again, pun intended). I’ve completed both the opening scene as well as the climax (heh), and Act Two still needs some fleshing out (I’m on fire!), but once I figure out how to work my way to the end—the central dilemma in any adult film—I’m confident that I’ve got a magnum opus on my hands (…guilty).

Naturally, I couldn’t complete this without my beloved blog readership, so I’m calling for suggestions or sample artwork for the DVD box of “Ted Mosby, Sex Architect.”

NOTE: They must be PG; no graphic images allowed! Kids might watch this thing.

Monday, October 22, 2007

THE HOT / CRAZY SCALE

The theory of evolution alleges that humans evolved from monkeys. If we accept this “theory,” then we must also accept that over the course of millions of years, women have become more attractive, less hairy and infinitely crazier.

The problem is certain women’s increase in physical attractiveness has been disproportional to their increase in psychosis. Luckily for us, a chart exists where we can see just how out of balance the ratio between your hotness and craziness has become - knowledge that can prove to be invaluable over the course of your daily life.

Now, you know how hot you are. But you probably have no idea how crazy you are – a major contributing factor to the problem. That’s where the great Professor Barnabus Stinson comes to the rescue. Be honest and rate your hotness from 1-10. Then, take the following simple quiz I’ve designed to see where you fall on the hot/crazy scale.

1. You’re walking down the street and see Matt Damon. You:

a: Gawk from afar and let him pass unbothered.b: Run up to him and beg to have his babies.c: Stab him with a pen.

2. You’re driving on the freeway and someone cuts you off. You:

a: Take a deep breath, count to ten, and do a random act of kindness.b: Hold down your horn and scream obscenities.c: Stab him with his own broken windshield wiper.

3. You see a kitten stuck in a tree. You:

a: Call the fire department and wait for professional help.b: Climb up and rescue it, then take it home to join the 125 other cats you currently care for.c: Stab it with a tree branch.

4. You’re on a date with a fellow and it’s not going well. You:

a: Explain to him you’re just not compatible and offer to split the check.b: Start a small fire in the ladies’ bathroom thus evacuating the restaurant and ending your date.c: Finish your decadent five-course dinner, then stab him with a lobster claw.

5. Your boss makes a pass at you. You:

a: Report it to human resources.b: Go for it, then blackmail him for the rest of his natural life.c: Stab him with his tie.

a: Drink whatever she gives you, so as to not create a scene.b: Throw the scalding hot beverage into the barista’s face.c: Stab her with a coffee cup.

7. It’s Christmas, a time of giving, charity, and joy. One of the Salvation Army Santa’s won’t stop ringing the bell in front of your apartment. You:

a: Thank him for doing the Lord’s work and give generously.b: Tar and feather him from your fifth floor balcony.c: Stab him with his bell, then steal his bucket.

8. Your grandparents are in town visiting. You:

a: Happily show them around town taking extra special care of them.b: Berate them for the measly 12 bucks they gave you on last year’s birthday.c: Stab them with their dentures.

9. You find a wallet in the middle of the street. You:

a: Locate the wallet’s owner and return it as found.b: Steal the person’s identity and live as them.c: Locate the wallet’s owner and stab them with their license.

10. Your boyfriend proposes. You:

a: Tearfully admit that you’re already married but not opposed to polygamy.b: You say, “Honestly, we’ve had a lot of great times together but I just don’t see a future between us” thus breaking his heart… then you pick up the pieces of said broken heart, and stab him with it.c: Say, “Yes, yes, a million times yes!”

To find your “Crazy” rating, give yourself 0 points for every A response, 1 point for every B, and 2 points for every C. Take that total and divide by two. You now have your crazy number.

Now, using your self-assigned hot number, find your position on the Stinson Hot/ Crazy scale. Remember, you want to find yourself located on the hot side, not the crazy side. If the results are not to your liking, please adjust your appearance or personality accordingly.

Monday, October 15, 2007

SEXPLORATION

In the early 1500s, an explorer by the name of Ferdinand Magellan set sail to become the first man to circumnavigate the globe. Ultimately, he failed miserably, ending up on the wrong end of a lethal arrow and most probably an uncomfortable bout with syphilis. However, Magellan’s voyage did provide important geographical information in the form of a plethora of maps and graphs, thus paving the way for future worldwide expansion. Five hundred years later, another man with similar intestinal fortitude stands before you, ready to share his extensive knowledge of the previously unknown. A man who also feels no nook should go uncharted, no cranny left uncultivated, and no crevice unexplored.

Yes, it is I, Barney Stinson, who carries the torch from the great explorers of yesteryear, providing these detailed maps and charts from my own extensive travels. Below are some sample maps of my latest expedition. We’ll call her Stacey.

1. Neckopotamia: Explorers often overlook this seemingly insignificant piece of real estate, but don’t be fooled. The region is a virtual treasure trove that, if mined correctly, could open the gateway to lucrative and more rewarding exploration further south.

2. East Hipsylvania: East Hipsylvania is essential to any worthwhile explorer because of its prime location just west of Barneyland, with a plentiful bounty of natural resources to boot. Surrounded by rolling hills and lush valleys, I found settlements there to be both thriving and prosperous.

3. Mammary Peaks: Treacherous but rewarding, the peaks offer some of the most breathtaking views I’ve ever seen. The epicenter of Stacey, this terrific mountain range must be scaled and conquered before you can raise your flag.

4. Midriff Plains: These extensive flatlands are perfect for grazing and serve as the ultimate base camp. The experienced frontiersman knows that all expeditions should start from the plains, and in times of danger, I found the meadows to offer comfort, shelter and security.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

THREE-WAY

When entering a location, it’s crucial for a gentleman to immediately assess all potential three-ways, preferably within 30 seconds. You just have to know what to look for. To help you practice, I have provided illustrations of three common situations you may encounter at the local watering hole. A typical greenhorn might rush to judge and bark up the wrong tree, so take your time. Look closely.

WRONG! If you want to pop the tent on your own three ring circus, you need to hone your powers of perception. A blind puppy can see that Subject A is not caressing her friend’s hair in affection; rather, she is removing an errant piece of onion ring.

Okay, but what about the hand holding? That’s as clear a sign as you can get. If they so much as look at you, you’ll be unearthing triceratops fossils all night long, right?WRONG!She’s examining her best friend’s shiny new engagement ring. Three-way potential: 0.00001%

What about these two?This one’s in the bag. All that’s missing are several yards of beer, the promise of a foam party, and some chick serving test tube shots and blowing a whistle in your ear and these two will have successfully imported San Padre Island to your favorite bar. FACT: Wet tshirts, like pillow fights and sleepovers, increase female-to-female attraction by a factor of 83 units. It’s only a matter of time before you’ll be exploring the Tri- State Area with these sassy lasses, right?

WRONG!Really, it’s like we’re not even looking at the same picture. Our subject pours water over herself in what looks like wild Sapphic abandon, but wrench your eyes away from the main attraction and you’ll discover the reason for this public shower: a stain on her brand new, expensive blouse. The only thing on her mind the rest of the night will be how to surgically re-attach the price-tag to exchange her top.

Speaking of exchanging her top, surely her friend with the beads is ready to go, right?Don’t call me Shirley.The beads are part of an elaborate sting… a carefully choreographed ruse designed to score free drinks the rest of the evening. Notice the never-ending cue of gentlemen waiting their turn to buy this “wild” lady a drink? The closest any dude’s coming to a threeway is splitting the tab with two of these guys.

These two are your best bet. Really? These two? Yes. And how did I determine that these ladies, out of all the women in the bar, are the ones willing to make a triple scoop sundae? Please. A kindergartener could do it.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

JUST VISITING!

If you can stomach walking around dressed like someone’s dad, pretending to be a tourist in your own hometown is a great way to score chicks. All you need is a map, a fanny pack, and a brand new identity. I can’t help with the first two, but I can certainly help you create a believable back-story that promises to turn your waning local love life into a fiery, no-strings attached romp. Sorry! No time to stick around - you’ve got a flight to catch.

Hi, I’m (real first name) __________ (bird of prey) ___________. I’m from (compass direction) _________ (biblical locale) ___________, (Midwestern or rectangular state) ___________. Go fightin’ (woodland creatures) ____________! Yep, it’s a great place to grow up. Walking down Main Street at (time of day) _________, and dropping in at (3-letter male name) _____________’s for some homemade (diabetic dessert) __________, well it makes my eyes water and my tummy grumble just thinking about it, yes siree. From time to time I like to check in on ol’ Mrs. (tree species) _________, bless her heart, and her prize winning (color) __________ (vegetable) __________s. My high school sweetheart (flower type) ____________ and I used to neck up on (dangerous animal) _____________ (body of water) _________ Point. Thought we’d get married but the good Lord had other plans for her in the form of a (American sedan) __________ losing control ‘round (American president) ________’s Curve. After she passed, I took up (piece of furniture) ____________ whittling to ease the pain, but golly, I sure don’t meet many ladies in that line of work, 'specially not ones as pretty as you. Gosh, you’re prettier than a (barnyard animal) ___________ on a (season) _________ day glistening in the (celestial body) __________ shine.

Therefore, I’m including a selection from my forthcoming coffee table book, Barney Stinson’s Field Guide to Tattoos. My noble hope with this volume is to show today’s gentlemen that there are safer, smarter and sexier ways to exfoliate.

BARNEY STINSON’S FIELD GUIDE TO TATTOOS

NAMES“Hey, everybody, look at me! Not only have I made the foolish mistake of choosing a lifetime of monogamy, I have also permanently branded myself as off-limits.” Bravo.

TRIBAL BANDS“Hey, everybody, look at me! This band looks like a scar of manhood that I earned when my village banished me to the hinterlands for seven days with no food or water, like in that Kevin Bacon basketball movie.” Nice try. That’s a bracelet.

DRAGONS“Hey, everybody, look at me! I have a fearful dragon on my arm! Are you scared? Good, because this baby’s supposed to ward off intruders from my mom’s basement.”

CHINESE SYMBOLS“Hey, everybody, look at me! I’m governed by an Eastern philosophy as these significant Cantonese and/or Mandarin characters chiseled into my flesh hopefully indicate. If I spoke or read this particular language, perhaps I could explain my perspective more clearly, but I guess you’ll just have to take the scary-looking tattoo artist’s word for it. I sure did.”

LETTERS ON KNUCKLES“Hey, everybody, look at me! There’s an important message on my fingers. Of course, it has to be ten letters or less and you can only read it when I’m waterskiing or getting arrested, but still, it’s an important message.”

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

VISUAL AID? VISUAL LAID.

I'm a visual learner. I learned to ride a bike watching E.T., learned to swim from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and learned about the birds and bees from my cousin's copy of Mouth Karate 3. But perhaps the best visual aids are numbers. Statistically speaking, numbers are correct 83 percent of the time, which makes them an invaluable tool (ahem) when trying to convince a newly single friend that he will once again get laid.

My best friend Ted recently secured a last-minute reprieve from the death row of monogamy. Fortuitously, I had the following charts and graphs prepared, printed, and mounted on foamcore in anticipation of this momentous day. Sure, heartbreak hurts. But a little cold, hard analysis reminds us that there are greener pastures ahead — pastures you get to have sex in.

BARNEY STINSON'S HOOK UP PERCENTAGES[Hookup Chart image missing]

As you can clearly see in this bar graph, I enjoy a 300 percent increase in hook-up potential with Ted as wingman — he is, after all, my best friend. Almost as importantly, observe how Ted's numbers skyrocket when he quests with me. Like a remora feasting on scraps that fall from the jaws of a Great White, Ted revels in my hook-up trickle down effect, or the "cake in the wake" phenomenon.

Ted has proven himself time and time again to be a top-tier wingman; versatile enough to switch gears successfully between several classic techniques, yet not versatile enough to steal top pair from me. As this pie chart indicates, women have expressed a particular fondness for the business angle. Be it an agent/client celebrating a "closure" or international businessmen in town for "the conference," when a great suit and Ted's ratty blazer are introduced, the combination screams money and power while chicks scream our names…whatever they might be that particular evening.

Of course with Ted out of the pond for a year and a half, he is undoubtedly out of shape. I fully anticipate his foreign accents to have atrophied to Costnerian proportions, necessitating modifications to at least 17 percent of our repertoire. Personally, I'd like to introduce a dot-com billionaire angle as well as explore the Rain Man/caretaker-brother approach, and maybe something with animals...like a Patch Adams for dogs. Your suggestions are always welcome - barneystinson@yahoo.com

The left axis represents the level of hotness for future hookups, following a traditional scale of 1-12, with 1 being a toothless, mulleted female con and a 12 being her daughter. As you can see, the numbers project a consistent bevy of quality fare for the Barnacle, while Ted (as represented by a hot pink square), after just five days of Stinsonian wingmanship, is able to limp out of the cellar and bag himself a 10…presumably one I've passed on for any number of reasons, including, but not limited to, pigeon toeness. At that rate, Ted will bring home a 15 in about a week — a practice I cannot support.

In conclusion, statistical analysis provides enormous insight, allowing gentlemen across the world to harness the power of numbers for good, not evil. As for Ted and I, regardless of how you break down the numbers, the future is bright…very bright indeed.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

IT'S FOR THE BRIDE SCAVENGER HUNT

Ah, weddings. Like death and taxes, it is an unfortunate inevitability that some of your friends will foolishly throw away their youth, their innocence, and their freedom for in an attempt to assimilate into the societal evil that is holy matrimony.

Sure, an open bar is always a treat and bridesmaid hunting is like shooting fish in a barrel, but the monotony of weddings gets old, real quick. Just because your friends have chosen a lifetime of suffering, why should you have to suffer for an entire day?

At my friends Marshall and Lily's wedding I stumbled upon an interesting phenomenon: when the bride needs something, you immediately get it. It got the old wheels spinning and I came up with the ultimate wedding time passer — "It's For the Bride Scavenger Hunt."

Below is a map of a typical wedding reception hall, and a list of items the "bride" needs.

A. Your mission starts in the garden. Normally it's THE place to bag a hot aunt or damaged bridesmaid out for a smoke, but not tonight, because the bride needs the gardener's hoe (heh).

B. Continue to the kitchen where the bride needs whipped cream from the caterer. Why? I have no idea. I'm just the messenger.

C. On your daughter's wedding day, you want nothing more than to make your little girl's dreams come true. And that is why your next stop is with the proud papa - the bride needs 20 dollars.

D. Bunny hop/electric slide/chicken dance over to the band. For some strange reason, the bride demands they play "When a Man Loves a Woman." And who are we to judge? It is her day, after all.

E. In the lobby, the videographer reloads one of his cameras. The bride desperately needs one of them and no, popping a few shots with the cheapo camera they've left at each table won't do. Of course, the videographer will argue — he's a professional, this is an expensive camera, he needs the bouquet toss for his reel, blah blah blah. Sir, the bride has spoken. Do you really want to spoil the happiest day of her life over a camera? I didn't think so.

F. Your mission ends in the coat room with the adorable coat check girl. She's feeling vulnerable because she's stuck in a closet during this glorious celebration of love. Lucky for her, you're there to comfort her. The band is rocking "When a Man Loves a Woman," you have a can of whipped cream, a private oasis, and a camera to document the entire experience. Plus you have 20 dollars in your pocket and two hoes. You, my friend, are a champion.