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On September 14, 2009, the world lost Patrick Swayze. During his 30-year acting career, he played the role of a Commie-killing high school football player, dancer, Civil War soldier, bouncer, surfing bank robber, ghost, transvestite, trucker, Allan Quartermain, singing cartoon dog and pedophile. To put that kind of versatility into perspective, fellow actor Steven Segal has starred in 417 movies and played a Steven Segal 417 times. Steven Segal couldn’t play a pedophile if he was a pedophile.

Patrick Swayze was a musician with a top 10 hit and People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1991. This was back before they gave it to Ben Affleck and the award meant something. But what a lot of people don’t realize is that Swayze was also the Second Greatest Film Star of All Time, and not in any kind of subjective way– it’s basic science. Almost every movie he starred in was the second best of a particular genre. Let’s look at the facts:

Before we begin, cut out and wear your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles. My manufacturer had some problems processing my last minute order, but luckily 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles should be compatible with the Official Jean-Claude Van Damme Data Decoding Funglasses you already own.

Calibrate your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles now.
Turn up the Road House settings of your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles until you can clearly see the image below.

Swayze starred in…The Second Best Dancing Movie of All Time: Dirty Dancing
We owe a lot to Dirty Dancing. It was a runaway hit that changed the way people communicated with the language of dance. After this movie came out, the phrase, “Excuse me, would you care to dance,” could be substituted with approaching a woman and intensely rubbing your dick against her leg. I skipped a lot of health classes, but that’s win/win for everybody, right?

What was the #1 dance movie?Footloose
Even though Patrick Swayze and Dirty Dancing made premature ejaculation into a cute icebreaker, Footloose is still a better movie. It was about a town that tried to preserve its moral structure by outlawing dance. If you were on the city council of the Footloose town, your eyeballs couldn’t even register how filthy Dirty Dancing is. It would just look like a teen ovary being attacked by dildos and robots. Adjust your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles to see a scene from Dirty Dancing as the characters from Footloose do.

Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Cold War Movie of all Time: Red Dawn
Like everyone who was a kid in 1984, my parents were paranoid gun owners–positive that any day now, the Russians were going to paradrop into our backyard. Back then, people used to fantasize about Soviet invasions like people fantasize about zombie apocalypses today. And Red Dawn was like every fantasy come true. If my parents hadn’t kept me so busy reloading spent bullet cartridges, I could have practically masturbated to it. It was about Soviets and Cubans invading Colorado and getting all their Communist shit fucked up by Swayze and a group of high school guerrilla fighters. They even called themselves Wolverines just so they’d have something awesome to scream after they killed Spetsnaz commandos. Between the years of 1984 to 1986, the farm belt went ahead and replaced all crop-generating fields with dick measuring stations because America could live entirely on Red Dawn.

What was the #1 Cold War movie?Rocky IV
Red Dawn was amazing, but when Rocky beat Ivan Drago, he actually ended the Cold War. This was even more incredible than the time his victory over Hulk Hogan in Rocky III invented the cotton gin.

Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Transvestite Movie of all Time: To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Numar
Most cross-dressing movies center around the theme that if the worst failure of a man disguises himself as a woman, he’s immeasurably better than any woman. I’m not sure if this is because screenwriters hate women or because girls just can’t do anything right. To be honest, neither reason would surprise me. In To Wong Foo, the superiority of a man in a dress over a regular woman in a dress is never more apparent, but it’s kind of not fair since two of them are Wesley Snipes and Patrick Swayze, and they’re both completely awesome.

What was the #1 transvestite movie?Tootsie
If your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles are adjusted correctly, this image should give you an erection. Check your equipment now.

Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Ghost Movie of all Time: Ghost
At one point, people who enjoyed the hobby of pottery also unintentionally enjoyed the hobby of celibacy. Then the movie Ghost came out. After that scene where Swayze bones Demi Moore by the pottery wheel, ceramics were suddenly an aphrodisiac. In the post-Ghost world, if you tell a woman you’re about to go pinch together an ashtray, that’s like crashing an Astroglide cargo plane into her.

To us normal people, Patrick Swayze’s death is a sad loss. But psychic mediums have been waiting for this day for years. It’s no exaggeration to say that every woman that can communicate with the dead is sitting in her underwear by a pottery wheel and trying to summon Patrick Swayze’s ghost right now. Parker Brothers is going to have to release a Ouija board with a Patrick Swayze button and vibrating clay pot attachment. Within a few months, the word “séance” will become obsolete since mystics will just call these events “group sex with Patrick Swayze.”

What was the #1 ghost movie?Ghostbusters
Tragically, if the Ghostbusters were here, they’d be trying to kill Patrick Swayze’s eternal spirit. Fine tune the Shyamalan settings on your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles until you can decode the following image.

Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Gay Movie of All Time: Point Break
Point Break could be considered a movie about surfing, skydiving, buddy copping or heisting. However, at its core, it’s about Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze not quite having sex.

What was the #1 gay movie?Brokeback Mountain
I considered for a bit giving the #1 gay movie spot to the funniest title I could find in a Google search of man-on-man adult movies, but the decency filter on my word processor wouldn’t let me type “Buns Full of Trevor IX.” Warning: 104 percent of all 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles have a tendency to badly malfunction when viewing this image.

Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Saturday Night Live Skit of All Time: “Chippendales Tryouts”
The fact that Swayze managed to keep a straight face while he and Chris Farley competed against each other in a stripper audition cements him as at least the second finest actor of his generation. Or an android. But if Patrick Swayze was an android this article would be CRAZY.

What was the #1 SNL skit of all time?Dick in a Box
You can now safely remove your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles to decode the following secret: The power of 3-D SwayzeVision was inside you the whole time.

I feel that once a black fella has referred to white foks as "honky paleface devil white-trash cracker redneck Caspers," he's abdicated the right to get upset about the "N" word. But that's just me. -- Jim Goad

Back in his prime, I would have cheerfully watched Patrick Swayze read from the telephone book for 90 minutes - if he took his shirt to do it. :)

You like the big hair, don'cha.

I feel that once a black fella has referred to white foks as "honky paleface devil white-trash cracker redneck Caspers," he's abdicated the right to get upset about the "N" word. But that's just me. -- Jim Goad

He was a wee little fella, though. Always found that funny about Road House.

I feel that once a black fella has referred to white foks as "honky paleface devil white-trash cracker redneck Caspers," he's abdicated the right to get upset about the "N" word. But that's just me. -- Jim Goad

Back in his prime, I would have cheerfully watched Patrick Swayze read from the telephone book for 90 minutes - if he took his shirt to do it. :)

Yeah... :D But when I realized I found him attractive in a DRESS. . .It terrified me.

Yeah. . .he made a handsome woman, I think.

~QC

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is hard business. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." Rudyard Kipling - (1865-1936)