Banned Performance Enhancing Substances in Literary Competitions

AUSTENAPROXEN

Derived from traditional nineteenth-century English herbal remedies, this drug can enhance literary sense and sensibility. The liquid preparation was generally preferred by most writers, and as such, decorum dictated that it be served in a bone-china teacup. Sold in the United States as Whartonaproxen. Known side effects include an unhealthy interest in bonnets, carriages, and country house architecture. Not widely used after the development of Woolfluoxitine, but experienced a recent surge in interest.

CAPOTEX

A vintage 1960s designer drug. Unlike most other banned literary substances, this drug is often used by fiction writers and non-fiction writers alike. Artificially increases prose style and sophistication. May cause speech patterns to be affected. Known to induce cutting, witty remarks in some test subjects. Long-term use can lead to literary irrelevance.

KAFKAMBIEN

Developed in pre-war Central Europe, this drug has been known to cause severe disorientation and helplessness in the face of a cruel, bureaucratic apparatus. Banned in several countries due to its existential and hallucinogenic properties. Contrary to rumor, extended use does not actually result in physical metamorphosis, but reports of madness are credible and well-documented.

LEEXAPRO

Developed from the same literary strain as Flanneroquel, Faulknerzyne, and Weltylenol. Like these drugs, enhances character development and Southern charm. Often results in highly detailed recall of childhood experiences and awareness of man’s inhumanity to man. Occasionally used with Capotex as a masking agent. Not recommended for those planning a large body of work.

NEWBERYEXTRACT

Artificial career stimulant, used primarily for authors of children’s books. Can result in increased bookings at library events, and in some subjects, the sale of film rights. Closely linked to the tragic deaths of likeable secondary characters.

OPRAHDONE

Once-popular sales and reputation enhancement drug. Known side effects include media overexposure. In rare cases, can lead to career implosion if mixed with extensive fabulism.

ORWELLBUTRIN

Regulates and encourages the production of dystopamine in the brain. Developed as a means of social control, but now listed as a “doubleplus ungood” substance by the Ministry of Health. In rare cases, subjects may imagine that they can hear animals talking. Should only be taken after the clocks strike thirteen.

PROUSTZAC

Enhances and enriches remembrance of things past. Can lead to increased carbohydrate consumption.

RANDOCAINE

Designed to foster objectivism, but often causes extreme selfishness. Not available through government-run health care providers. Banned due to concerns about the imbalance between the quality of work produced when taken by an author and the subsequent influence of the work on others.

SPILLAGRA

Boosts literary testosterone levels. Known side effects include involvement with femme fatales, consumption of rye whiskey in dive bars, and over-reliance on colorful similes. If hard-boiled dialogue persists for over four hours, contact a doctor immediately.

STRUNKETAMINE

Used to induce clarity in prose style and to correct common grammar errors. Side effects include the omission of needless words.

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