Saturday, January 26, 2008

Let it fall, Let it go....and Let God...

Let thy glory fall…let it fall…fall upon us Lord...

Perhaps this Saturday morning was one of the most haunting moments that strucked me. I was going to sleep after a long day from attending my friend’s wedding when I received an SMS message from Mamavic. It was unexpected that it’ll be about the sad news of their loss of a father. My first thoughts is that it was expected in life, and it is a fact, but what struck me is the underlying force behind that text message. I don’t know what’s in it, the way she express the news thru a short message, seeking for our prayers for the eternal repose of her father’s soul, as she said, they are not expecting it this fast.

Though I don’t really believe in the eternal repose of a man’s soul after death, because as the Bible teaches us, a man is saved by his faith and acceptance of Jesus Christ as his Saviour, and nobody can do it for a man except himself. I just thought that it was perhaps true for Mamavic’s father, he is with his Creator now. God will surely take care of him.

My tears don’t really fall when somebody died…even when my closest grandma suddenly passed away due to stroke on a New Year’s Day, my tears can’t fall down. My heart was sad, I knew it, though I can’t cry no matter how I try. I am in grief seeing my own mother in pain for the loss, but still I can’t cry. I am in denial of my tears, or should I say I have told my eyes not to cry because if I did, I couldn’t stop it anymore…that’s what I hate about me….

And now, all of a sudden, the tears that I’ve been keeping from falling down fell. I couldn’t remember when I last cried because of the loss of a person. For other reasons, yes I do cry, but for grieving for somebody departed, I don’t as much as I can. I guess everybody hates goodbyes, especially if you really love the person.

I felt a clinch in my heart when I learned Mamavic’s news, and I really felt sad for them. The girls and I treated them as family already. Suddenly, it seems all the pain I’ve been hiding from the loss of the people close to me came through that moment. I was crying, until I felt asleep, and I can’t stop myself, even if I came back to reality of this day where I was supposed to be happy. I do let go of them, as I let God take them from us, and I am letting go of the pain and burden…maybe I cried because I am now missing them, as the loss of Mamavic’s father reminded me of them.

The thought of my own father crosses my mind too, and I am missing him suddenly. For years now, I could only count with my fingers and toes how long we have been together, we have to live separately so we can overcome our financial difficulties through him working overseas.

Oh well, I am just a sentimental person…And for Mamavic, I was so grateful knowing you and your sister, you made a good cheer with us, sharing your life as somebody who likes SG as we do, and somebody who accepted us as we are. We felt your warmth and we love you as well though we knew each other for just a while. Whatever happens in life, even if it’s so fast that we could not comprehend its reasons, God always works for the good of us his children, and He heals us every time we hurt. And I will always pray for your healing, comfort and strength…Jesus’ grace abounds in you….