I am having a super-minimalist
birthday today. I figure that I don’t have to do anything to turn 59, other
than survive the day, so I’m taking it easy. All I plan is to share a cake with
wife and daughter. (Maybe also take the cats to the vet to have their claws
trimmed.)

No big birthday
party; I hate the stress. Besides, I already had a small party with some
friends the previous day. I’d rather treat a birthday as a milestone rather
than as a deadline.

Next week we’ll
celebrate Thanksgiving at brother Marc’s. At my age I am happy to spread the
birthday out over days.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Friday, November 11, 2016

I predict that,
come mid-2017 or so, Trump's Presidency will start to collapse, from the weight
of his lies and crimes and idiocies; his ever-increasing band of enemies will
plot his downfall, and start to put their plan into effect...

... and then ISIS
will attack. Or Al-Qaeda, or whoever else. Right away Trump will claim an
emergency and a mandate, and on the strength of that crush his domestic enemies
and start yet another forever-war.

The analogy with
Bush Jr. is obvious. I claim no conspiracies beyond shared interests. The
terrorists _like_ Trump. They've _said_ so. He's just the kind of President
they want, and want to keep President; so they'll help him, in their way. And
perhaps Putin will also offer his kind of help.

I mention this
prediction to you as prophylaxis. Forewarned is forearmed. I hope I'm wrong,
but please warn others.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

The following are texts of two quadrennial letters to the
Presidential candidates that I would have sent, had Hillary Clinton or Bernie
Sanders won. In a rational reversal of convention, I send my congratulations to
the losers, and my condolences to the winner.

**************

To:

Hillary Clinton

Donald Trump

Gary Johnson

Jill Stein

Re:

Congratulations and condolences

Dear Former Candidates:

Now that the election results are
in, and we know which one of you won the election, and which ones lost, I send
you a letter of congratulations and condolences. Unlike the usual practice, I
send my congratulations to the losers and my condolences to the winner.

First, the major party loser.
Congratulations, Donald Trump; you lost. It was a close call for a while, but
you dodged it. We considered you carefully, and in the end chose not to inflict
the Presidency upon you, or you upon it. Good for you, and good for it! Now
please go away and be quiet before we change our minds and make you President
after all.

A shout-out now for the minor-party
losers; Gary Johnson of the Libertarians, Jill Stein of the Green Party, and
many others. Good news; you all lost! None of you have to be President!

Some words now to the one leaving
office; Barack Obama. In my previous letter to you I told you to follow the path
of least resistance, and to manage the decline of American empire. You have obeyed
these orders to the letter. Against my advice you attempted some reforms; and
as I predicted, this met resistance.

Thank you for feeding bin Laden to the fish. And thanks for
Obamacare. And for stopping a Depression. And for the judges. And for stealing so
many Republican ideas that they have none left. And much else. All in all you have
done amazingly well, for a President. That’s because you’re a nice man, but
you’re also an Ice man. You are now released from the worst job in the world. Dis-missed!

Now for the winner, Hillary Clinton.
Greetings!
It is my duty to inform you that you are now President-Elect of the United
States of America. My deepest condolences. Your new job is stressful; it’s
hazardous; it’ll force you to do hideous deeds; it’ll age you fast; and worst
of all, it’s a dead end. Any job after this will be a demotion. I repeat: my
condolences.

The Presidency is so toxic that
winning it won’t just harm you; it’ll harm your closest constituents. Consider
the vicious racism unleashed against your predecessor by his obstructionist
opponents. Those same obstructionists will inflict vicious misogyny upon you,
and women in general. But you knew that.

The awful truth is, you’re a slave. All Presidents are slaves;
“public servant” is a euphemism. I think that the Presidency should be a civic
obligation imposed at random, then heavily vetted, like jury duty or the draft;
the kind of job that people run from
rather than for.

As is, it’s a volunteer post. That’s absurd, and the joke’s
on you. You won the booby prize; now you have it, and it has you. I question
your judgment, but I cannot fault your courage. Good luck!

I recommend the path of least resistance. Do what comes
naturally to the present-day American Presidency; namely, manage imperial
decline. That’s what you’ll do anyhow, like it or not, so here I am, telling
you to do it. You may have other plans, but rest assured that they will
encounter resistance from powerful enemies, institutional inertia, and Murphy’s
Law.

I gave the above advice to your predecessor; for you, Madame
President, I add this: be yourself. In your case, that means: be the worst liar
that I have ever seen occupy the Oval Office.

By this I don’t mean that you tell bad lies; I mean that you
are bad at telling lies. You heroically try to lie, but you fail. Your insincerity is utterly transparent.
You leak; you have tells. Never play strip poker with
Vladimir Putin!

Your ineptitude at deception is one of your many endearing
features. You remind me of Ko-Ko, from “The Mikado”, of whom the Chorus sings:

We know him
well

He cannot
tell

Untrue or
groundless tales –

He always
tries

To utter
lies

And every
time he fails.

If lying weren’t a Presidential job
requirement, then I’d advise you against lying at all.

How different you are from so many other Presidents! Your
husband, for instance; now there’s a
liar! LBJ was a fine liar. Reagan was
an actor, Bush Senior was a spy, so both were professional liars. And let’s not forget Nixon!

You’re up against some serious competition, but alas,
you are undermined by your undermind. Somewhere deep down, despite decades of
training, you retain some involuntary integrity. You’re relatively honest, against
your better interest. It is a tribute to your intelligence and drive that,
despite this handicap, you have gone so far in law and politics.

But don’t try to repress your unwanted honesty; it’ll all
come out anyhow. For your own good, let it go. Freak freely. Just be yourself,
Madame President, and you’ll be an even better leaker than Edward Snowden!

Sincerely,

Nathaniel Hellerstein

**************

**************

To:

Bernie Sanders

Donald Trump

Gary Johnson

Jill Stein

Re:

Congratulations and condolences

Dear Former Candidates:

Now that the election results are
in, and we know which one of you won the election, and which ones lost, I send
you a letter of congratulations and condolences. Unlike the usual practice, I
send my congratulations to the losers and my condolences to the winner.

First, the major party loser.
Congratulations, Donald Trump; you lost. It was a close call for a while, but you
dodged it. We considered you carefully, and in the end chose not to inflict the
Presidency upon you, or you upon it. Good for you, and good for it! Now please
go away and be quiet before we change our minds and make you President after
all.

A shout-out now for the minor-party
losers; Johnson of the Libertarians, Stein of
the Green Party, and many more others than I can name. Good news; you all lost!
None of you have to be President!

A word now to the one leaving
office; Barack Obama. In my previous letter to you I told you to follow the
path of least resistance, and to manage the decline of American empire. You
have obeyed these orders to the letter. Against my advice you attempted some
reforms; and as I predicted, this met resistance.

Thank you for feeding bin Laden to the fish. And thanks for
Obamacare. And for stopping a Depression. And for the judges. And for stealing
so many Republican ideas that they have none left. And much else. All in all
you have done amazingly well, for a President. That’s because you’re a nice
man, but you’re also an Ice man. You are now released from the worst job in the
world. Dis-missed!

Now for the winner, Bernie Sanders. Greetings!
It is my duty to inform you that you are now President-Elect of the United
States of America. My deepest condolences. Your job is stressful; it’s
hazardous; it’ll force you to do hideous deeds; it’ll age you fast; and worst
of all, it’s a dead end. Any job after this will be a demotion. I repeat: my
condolences.

The Presidency is so toxic that
winning it won’t just harm you; it’ll harm your closest constituents. Consider
the vicious racism unleashed against your predecessor by his obstructionist
opponents. The same viciousness, in the form of anti-Semitism, will be
inflicted upon you, and Jews in general. Be prepared.

The awful truth is, you’re a slave. All Presidents are slaves;
“public servant” is a euphemism. I think that the Presidency should be a civic
obligation imposed at random, then heavily vetted, like jury duty or the draft;
the kind of job that people run from
rather than for.

As is, it’s a volunteer post. That’s absurd, and the joke’s
on you. You sought the booby prize, and you won. You have it, and it has you. I
question your judgment, but I cannot fault your courage. Good luck!

To your predecessor I recommended managing imperial decline. You,
instead, should accelerate imperial decline.
That’s what you’ll do anyhow, like it or not, so here I am, telling you to do
it. It’s the path of least resistance. You may have other plans, but rest
assured that they will encounter resistance from powerful enemies,
institutional inertia, and Murphy’s Law.

I say this even though you, as a democratic socialist, are as
conservative as American politicians get, in the non-Orwellian sense of the
word ‘conservative’. Unlike cynical CINOs, you want to conserve things; money,
jobs, lives, economies, communities, ecologies. But if the old system is bound and
determined to self-destruct, then the most conservative move is to stand aside
and start the new.

I add this advice: be yourself. In your case, that means: be a
voice of reason, and thus stand out from those around you. Avoid arguing with
fools if possible, but if not, then address your arguments, not to the fools
arguing in bad faith, but to the audience, judging for themselves. You might
get less done that way, but what you do get done might be more worth doing.