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You can now recycle your tinfoil: The truth is finally revealed

Due to the nature of my job, I often find myself at various functions and civic meetings where I’ve gotten to hear a variety of public speakers expound on a plethora issues.

Earlier this week, I was at just such a meeting where the warm-up speaker proceeded to give a rundown of what they felt were the major issues affecting us as a state and a nation.

Some of these “issues” came down on the side that I generally assign to people who wear tinfoil on their heads to keep “the gubment” from “listenin’ to your thoughts.”

The speaker accused the media of being complicit in keeping information from the public, and there’s nothing more fun than being a member of a class that’s being attacked and having everyone in the room agreeing with the attacker.

However, in this instance, the speaker was right.

We in the media are keeping a number of vitally important bits of information out of your hands.

I can no longer live with the guilt of keeping it from you noble truth-seekers, so I use my space this week to divulge it all.

So, here’s what you need to know:

- Tupac is alive and living in Point Clear. This is why the Point Clear Property Owners’ Association refuses to release their membership list.

- The government is using tracking software in our phones to figure out where we’re going every day, but only so they can figure out if Baldwin County needs another Foosackly’s location to support our demand.

- The true aim of the Common Core standards at area schools is to make our kids dumb enough to where they don’t realize that they don’t get to have that wonderful rectangular-shaped pizza in the lunchroom any more.

- Jeanne Carney on the Baldwin County Citizens for Government Accountability Facebook page is actually the split personality of Baldwin County Board of Education spokesperson Terry Wilhite that only manifests when he is frustrated at work.

- The beach wall at the Governor’s mansion was just a distraction so that he could build a Mason Tunnel into the property.

- The possible move to bring immigrant children to live in Baldwin County is actually another secret ploy. If you rearrange the letters of the “Office of Refugee Relocation,” you can spell “Obama is coming for your wife, children, money, home, guns, pickup truck and Aunt Mildred.”

Those are all the secrets I can reveal for now, and I pray I won’t be silenced before being able to bring you more, citizens.

Keep your ear to the ground and remember – the truth is out there.

Cliff McCollum is managing editor of Gulf Coast Media. He can be reached at cliff@gulfcoastmedia.com.