NEW YORK, NY — History, formerly known as The History Channel, announced today that it will be known as The Hitler Channel starting in 2010.

The American television channel had previously changed its name from The History Channel to just simply History on April 20 of 2008, coincidentally also Hitler’s birthday. Again in celebration of Hitler’s birth, executives announced that on April 20 of 2010 the channel will be renamed to The Hitler Channel.

Harvis Tolmes, the fake Executive Vice President for History’s parent network A&E, said that the move pays tribute to the man who is mostly responsible for the channel’s success. “Without Hitler, I don’t even know if there would still be a channel on TV about history today, let alone two. We owe him a great deal.”

The network had tried to tone down the channel’s image of only broadcasting Hitler related content in the past. “A&E at first thought this was a bad image for the History Channel,” explained Tolmes. A&E created the Military History Channel to partially take the Hitler programming load away from History, “but it hasn’t really worked,” said Tolmes. “Now we’re embracing it, and we think the market will respond positively.”

Tolmes still expects there to be plenty of Hitler to go around for both channels in the future. “The Military History Channel will still be focused on the primarily historical aspects of Hitler, mostly just the factual stuff. But the Hitler Channel will follow in the path of History and focus primarily on made up stuff,” Tolmes said.

The Hitler Channel is expected to continue its frequent broadcasts on Nostradamus and speculative theories about the end of the world featuring quack specialists. “We’ll still have [those kinds of shows],” Tolmes stated, “but just expect there to be a Hitler twist in there somewhere. Did aliens help the ancient Egyptians build pyramids? Maybe, but if they did, did Hitler know about it? And did he have scientists working on unlocking the secrets of the pyramids so he could unleash superior alien technology on the Allies?”

Viewers could also look forward to even more straightforwardly fictional accounts of Hitler. “We’ll have shows about things like, what if Hitler lived in the age of dinosaurs? and stuff like that,” said Tolmes. “Or maybe a sitcom where Hitler accidentally got a girl pregnant in college, and the mother tragically dies so now Hitler, who had no idea about it and now works in a law firm, has to take care of this four-year old that came out of nowhere. Talk about hilarious!”

Tolmes figures the channel to be successful, despite a number of critics and deriders. “When Cartoon Network launched, people said ‘Oh you could never have a channel that shows only cartoons 24 hours a day.’ Same thing with ESPN and sports, only they’re even more successful. Now people want to say ‘You can’t have a channel only about Hitler.’ Not only do we think that’s untrue, we’re planning ahead for possibly other channels based on the success of this one. Maybe a Genghis Khan Channel, or a Napoleon Channel. Heck, we might even have a Mayan Calendar Channel, though it’s hard to see that one working past 2012.”

A&E announced that it had secured the rights to Hitler’s name and likeness, giving them mostly exclusive broadcasting rights. A&E has also purchased the rights to the film The Boys From Brazil from Twentieth Century Fox, which will be played all day on January First as a New Year’s Day marathon, and and 8-10 times a day everyday thereafter.

BRISTOL, CT — Despite the majority of Americans feeling a general opposition to the notion, ESPN is still trying to convince everyone that NASCAR is a sport.

The network, which has dominated sports coverage in America for several decades, has launched a new ad campaign to help convince viewers and critics who are still unconvinced that NASCAR is really a sport. New slogans to help recruit fans and boost viewership include, “Yes, We’re Still Showing It on SportsCenter”, “It’s Really a Sport… Seriously, We Mean It”, and “NASCAR – Give It Another Chance… Pretty Please?”

Below: One of ESPN’s new photo ads to help convince people
that NASCAR is a really sport and should be taken seriously

“I think these new commercials are great. People need to know that NASCAR really is a sport,” said ESPN analyst Dale Jarrett. “I mean, sure it seems like we’re just driving around in circles really fast, and yeah, that is most of it, but that’s really hard.” Jarrett continued, “Really, really hard. Like bricklaying. I also think bricklaying is a sport because it’s also hard.”

Tim Cowlishaw, another ESPN NASCAR analyst, also insists that it is a sport. “Sure, there’s no ball, and there’s no tournament or postseason, and there’s not a major college system of racing, or really anything else that matches the characteristics of most American sports,” Cowlishaw went on, “but that doesn’t mean it’s not a sport.”

“NASCAR is America’s fastest growing sport, which, by definition of that sentence, makes it a sport,” explained Terry Blount, one of ESPN’s NASCAR reporters and frequent contributor to ESPN.com’s NASCAR page. “I mean, if it wasn’t a sport, then how could it be the fastest growing sport, huh smart guy? Plus,” Blount continued, “lots of people think it’s a sport, and if history has taught us anything, it’s that large groups of people cannot possibly be wrong about any widely held belief they have.”

Despite ESPN’s staunch supporters and efforts, NASCAR continues to be criticized by some for not being a sport at all. Critics point out that the vehicles used in races are not stock cars at all, thereby defying the very name of NASCAR (which stands for National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing), which would be akin to the NBA using a volleyball in its games. Others point to NASCAR’s confusing and contrived scoring system, which is overly difficult to follow during a race. These critics also claim that the scoring system arbitrarily gives higher scores for end-of-season races, ensuring that no driver gains an insurmountable lead and causes fans to lose interest; though such a brash claim is highly suspect as most sports would consider this both highly unorthodox and completely unfair. Still others point to NASCAR’s negative environmental effects, and that it is just plain boring. Beyond that, critics point out that NASCAR is not even the highest level or most difficult form of auto racing.

When asked what he thought of such criticisms, Dale Jarrett responded angrily that “It’s a bunch of crap! Crap crap crap crap crap!” Jarrett became visibly upset and said that he had something in his eyes, and excused himself to the bathroom while sobbing.

NEW YORK — The Fox News Channel tackled a topic today that it had recently only danced around, by categorically describing all Muslims as “pretty much evil” and embraced the change wholeheartedly in its new slogan We’re Pretty Sure That Muslims Want to Drink Your Blood.

Bill O’ Reilly, on of Fox’s most popular personalities, said that Fox is just “stating what is pretty obviously truth.” O’ Reilly stated that “liberals want you to think that you live in a world where Muslims are actually people, and not this mutant strain that lives only to kill and terrorize real humans.”

Glenn Beck, another Fox personality who has skyrocketed in popularity and support in recent months, also supports the network’s new stance, although takes a less accusatory role, surprisingly, than O’ Reilly. “Let’s be honest with ourselves; Muslims are not the cause of all our society’s problems today. We also have problems with communo-facism and left-wing Constitution-killers,” Beck continued, “although all those people really start with a Muslim base. So they’re the root cause of all our problems, but we still have to get rid of the day-walkers that they spawned.”

Sean Hannity called it a “bold move” and said he expects Fox’s viewership to rise, because Fox is “really just saying what every American is feeling.” Hannity also claims to know a guy who knows a guy who knew somebody that had their blood drank by a Muslim. “They’re the terror of the night,” Hannity continued, “and I wouldn’t be surprised if they could turn into bats. But I’m sure they’re not allergic to the sun so we’ll have to use military force to stop them.”

Shepard Smith failed to toe the company line, however, saying “This is bad.”

Fox’s website has also been updated with safety and emergency plans for the average American family. “We feel that all Americans should be educated in how to Muslim-proof their houses and their communities,” said Newt Gingrich, host of Fox’s new show “Keeping You Safe and Afraid: Muslim Terror and Threat Alert Warning News Show: How to Keep Your Blood Safe from Followers of Islam: Hide in Your Basement With a Gun”.

Muslim leaders in America and around the rest of the world said they were not surprised by the News Channel’s new slogan, saying that fundamentally nothing has changed. Radical Muslim extremists condemned the news and Western culture in general, and continued to blow things up and shoot civilians like they do on a regular basis.

LAKE HAVASU CITY, AZ — Marvin Pendergast, a former police officer who retired only two days ago, was killed in a boating accident near his new home in Lake Havasu City.

Pendergast spent over 30 years working for the Los Angeles Police Department, serving most of his years as a detective belittled by the majority of his coworkers. Pendergast was known best for chasing down recently unemployed and divorced middle class white men rampaging across the City of Angels in search for answers and retribution for their failed lives, often ending with Pendergast shooting the individuals at Manhattan Beach Pier.

Pendergast did inexplicably reach retirement, however, and moved with his wife to Lake Havasu City, the couple’s planned retirement spot. Pendergast bought a yacht as per his retirement plan, but never learned how to operate waterborne vessels properly as even he himself fully expected to be a corpse before retiring. Tragically, his inept boating skills caused the accident as he careened the yacht into the Parker Dam.

“When his retirement was coming up, [Pendergast’s coworkers] were always joking that he’d die before he was able to call it quits,” said Detective Sanchez, an officer who worked with Pendergast over the years, and who also constantly put cat litter in Pendergast’s desk drawer. “Once I heard he died only two days after retirement,” Sanchez continued, “I was like, ‘Oh, I guess nobody ever thinks about that too much.’ Still tragic, I guess, but not as tragic.”

Amanda Pendergast, the victim’s wife, stated that she fully expected her husband to be dead before retiring as well. “The day after he retired I was sort of relieved, sort of disappointed,” said Amanda. “I’m not actually too upset right now because I had been mentally preparing this for years. I even had a new love interest set up for my husband’s tragically timely death which is now somewhat less timely.”

Captain Yardley, Pendergast’s officer in charge for many of his final years of service, called his death “unavoidable”. “Sure he was able to escape death’s cold grasp before he retired,” Yardley reasoned, “but this obviously threw the universe out of whack. Policemen dying right before they retire is both a rite of passage and completely out of everyone’s control.”

Yardley questioned if Pendergast’s death was actually an accident or if Pendergast was ultimately murdered by “the creepy Thanatos-premonition thing” from the 2000 film Final Destination.

Yardley reflected on the greater relationship between all policemen and dying before retirement, saying “We all [police officers] know that when we sign up, we’re not just here to protect and serve. We’re also here to die tragic deaths before we complete our legacy of work, usually immediately after sharing our long-thought-out plans for our golden years with a younger partner, likely in the squad car before what is thought to be a ‘routine’ traffic stop, or perhaps at a diner that is, unbeknownst to us, filled with assassins hired by the mob to kill the lead detectives threatening said mob’s existence.”

Thursday, November 5, 2009

MINNEAPOLIS — A local stoner had a difficult time describing a lost item to his friends in an unsuccessful bid to find said item.

Jesse Ardennes, 28, who works at a construction company specializing in floor tiles, told his friends that he couldn’t remember when or where he last saw the item, though he was pretty sure it was important.

“We were just hanging out over at his house,” said Ardennes’ friend, Dustin Duetenmeyer, 27. “He was like, ‘Let’s fire up the bong’ and we were like, ‘Okay’ but then he was like, ‘Oh, wait. Wait – wait. I think I lost something.’ ” Ardennes then repeatedly told his friends, “Yeah I definitely lost something.”

“And we were like, ‘What did you lose, man?’ ” said Philip Hoyer, another one of Ardennes’ friends who was at the scene. ” ‘What’d you lose?’ And he just kept saying, ‘Uh, a thing, dude. It was this thing, and uh, I think I lost it. No, no, I definitely lost it.’ ”

Ardennes went on to describe the item has having a certain size that he could not recall, and also a particular shape that he would recognize if he could only see it. “It’s probably around here somewhere. Oh wait, I know where it is,” Ardennes reportedly told his friends while rushing into his bedroom, only to return empty-handed and sullen.

Ardennes was not sure if he had tasted the object or not, though he did remark that it felt like “one of those things that makes your fingers feel like, you know, you’re touching stuff.”

Ardennes also remarked that the missing article was at least one color, but maybe more, as he wasn’t sure. “Fuck, what the fuck are those things called?” Ardennes soured. “Fuckin’, that one guy has one.”

When asked by his friends who Ardennes was referring to, he remarked, “That guy, you know. I think his name is Tom. Or Fred. You know who I’m talking about, right?”

Ardennes then checked his pockets again only to find once more that the thing was not there, either.

Duetenmeyer then asked his friend if the item was possibly located in his car, to which Ardennes replied, “Dude, maybe it was my car.” Ardennes reportedly took a “mega-hit” off his bong then stated, “No, wait, it’s not my car. It’s um, it’s uh, one of those things that you can buy from that one place.”

Ardennes is still reportedly searching for the object, aggravating his friends, and forcing Alzheimer’s upon himself.

ST. LOUIS, MO — In a move that few found interesting or significant, aside from Tony Kornheiser, the St. Louis Rams seceded from the NFL in order to join college football’s Conference USA.

Dale “Chip” Rosenbloom, majority owner of the Rams, announced the move Thursday to a crowd of three somewhat devoted fans who are unemployed and basically just showed up for the free cookies.

“I am moving the Rams out of the NFL and into Conference USA, in order to increase the likelihood of us getting at least one win this year,” said Rosenbloom. Although the Rams were technically a team in the NFL, ESPN College Football Analyst Jesse Palmer said to “not expect too many wins from the Rams in Conference USA.”

“They’ll be looking at real tough games against Houston and ECU, which will probably be blow-outs,” added Palmer. “I think their best chance for win will be against 0-7 Rice, but it’ll be a close one. There’s no reason to believe the Rams can stop the running back tandem of Jeramy Goodson and Charles Ross, who have combined for over 300 yards in Rice’s seven losses.”

Mel Kiper, Jr., ESPN’s NFL Draft Analyst, predicts that most of the Rams’ players will go undrafted. “We’re looking at a really talentless team. Most of these players are not NFL caliber,” Kiper said. “Maybe center Jason Brown, who might get drafted in the 6th or 7th round, but even he will probably end up undrafted and on a practice squad.”

Britton Banowsky, the Conferece USA Commissioner, welcomed the Rams to his conference by offering Rosenbloom a years-old fruit cake and demanding that Marc Bulger be cut from the team. “We think the addition of the St. Louis Rams will help our conference, as Houston needs to pad its schedule with more wins if they want to get in a January Bowl Game.” Banowsky predicts that the Rams could be a .500 team at least once sometime in the next ten years “if they really hit the recruiting trail pretty hard.”

Banowsky also addressed the issue of the conference now having an unbalanced number of teams. “The addition of the Rams makes this a 13 team conference, so we will be looking to add a 14th team,” stated Banowsky. “Possibly the Kansas City Chiefs, or perhaps a high school team from Texas. Not a championship level team, though, they’d kill everybody. More like a team that just missed the playoffs, or better yet, one with a losing record.”

AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) — The world was thrown into chaos Wednesday as researchers from the University of Zadar in Zadar, Croatia, found a mistake in the commonly accepted conversion of the Meso-American Mayan Calendar.

Many New Age Theorists claim that the Mayan calendar predicts Armageddon, or maybe the Apocalypse, or perhaps the End of Days, to occur in 2012. First dreamt up in 1966 by legally retarded American anthropologist and archeologist Michael D. Coe, these theorists believe that the Mayans believed that the universe will “be annihilated on December 23, 2012, when the Great Cycle of the Long Count reaches completion,” even though modern Mayans consider this silly Western nonsense.

It was first believed that the ‘Great Cycle of the Long Count’ would end near the winter solstice in late 2012. However, Dr. Danica Škara, head of Zadar’s Academy of Dental Medicine & Crap-Psuedoscience, announced late Tuesday that the previous timeline had been misjudged. In a detailed report released early Wednesday morning, Škara stated, “The method in which the Mayan calendar was converted by early anthropologists did not account for minor discrepancies between the Gregorian calendar and the rotation of the solar system inside the Milky Way itself in regards to [the Mayan calendar].”

The end result: “The so called ‘apocalypse’ was actually scheduled five years earlier, i.e. 2007.”

After the news was made public, people all over Croatia ran into the streets to burn public officials at the stake and crucify those deemed to be “wrong do-ers” and “the lazies”. Prisoners broke free from their institutions and formed gangs of marauders who are reportedly wandering from zoo to zoo in order to butcher the exotic and tasty animals for sustenance.

Approximately one hour later, the report was released in throughout the rest of Europe, all of whose countries collapsed. Russian president Dmitry Medvedev tried to take advantage by ordering an invasion of the Ukraine, but all deployed Russian soldiers either drank themselves to death or mutinied and set up camps to run newly established warlord-run provinces.

President Barak Obama declared a State of Emergency in 49 states, declaring Delaware as “still safe since it is so boring that even during the widely recognized end of the world it could not and will not produce anything exciting, disturbing, or remotely interesting.”

Richard Roberson of Charlotte, North Carolina, expressed surprise at the situation. “I had no idea that we were living in a post-apocalyptic nightmare these past few years.”

Daniel Woodward told AP reporters in Detroit that he was not surprised at all. “Things have been an absolute dumpster fire here for the past I-don’t-know-how-many years,” he said. “Probably since that time the Pistons won the championship. It got real ugly then and we’ve never recovered.”

The midwest United States appears to be fully in the grasp of ex-military neo-conservatives who roam around in bad-ass vehicles searching for more gasoline, while both coasts have been taken over by militant gays who are marrying each other all willy-nilly.

“This is clearly our darkest hour,” Obama said as he addressed a charging crowd wielding pitchforks, axes, and torches, kept at bay only by the Secret Service’s constant barrage of bullets. “And clearly, as it happened in 2007, it is not my fault.”

The only countries which have not been effected by the news are North Korea, a nation that has remained in utter isolation for decades, and Somalia, which was already a hellscape that featured lawlessness, mass rape, famine, terrorizing warlords, and a television channel that played nothing except Jimmy Fallon movies.

Monday, October 12, 2009

NEW YORK — In a press announcement that shocked the pop music world to its core, Lady Gaga told the world that she has internal testicles.

Lady Gaga, whose real name is Stefani Germanotta, has been one of the biggest musical artists of 2009, selling over 20 million digital singles and 3 million albums worldwide. She garnered critical and commercial success with the release of her album The Fame released in August of 2008. Since then she has been nominated for and won many awards and accolades, making herself one of the biggest names in music.

Lady Gaga told reporters that she compelled to come clean after witnessing “the whole [Caster] Semenya mess.” Semenya, a South African world champion middle-distance runner had questions raised about her gender after taking the gold medal at the 2009 World Championships in Athletics. “I just saw the way she was treated and how the whole thing has been blown way out of porportion,” Lady Gaga told her audience.

Lady Gaga said that she would return her TMF award for Best Female Artist. “I have internal testicles,” she said, “and the increased testosterone may have given me an unfair competitive advantage that allows me to jump higher, run faster, and earn more money on average than my truly female counterparts.”

THE AMALGAMATED PRESS (AP) – Multiple sources have confirmed that the entire population of San Francisco, California, moved to Iowa on Wednesday, following a California Supreme Court ruling on Tuesday which upheld Proposition 8, a ballot referendum that banned gay marriage in the state.

The move came as a pleasant surprise to the City of Oakland, which promptly raided the former residences of all precious metals and and other shiny objects of interest.

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom resigned his post, and added that the mass migration was not planned. “I only resigned my post because I was so disgusted by the decision,” said Newsom in a public address from his new home in Council Bluffs, Iowa. “Myself and my family personally moved to the great progressive State of Iowa because we were so fed up with the meek conformist State of California. A mass move of the entire City of San Francisco was not planned or coordinated, however.”

Michael Riddle moved out of San Francisco with his partner, Ryan Crilly, and the two swiftly purchased a home in Cedar Falls just today. “Fuck California,” said Riddle, “Fuck it and its conservative, bible belt ideologies. I’m glad my future husband and I have moved to a state forward thinking enough to allow gay marriage. Iowa really has more of a west coast flair to it than any state actually located on the west coast.”

Paul Asshurts came to Iowa with his partner, Bryan Danbert. They already have a home and an organic bakery set up on the Mississippi river town of Dubuque. “This place is great,” said Asshurts. “I love just about everything about it. Especially that the tofu is so totally cheap!” Asshurts joked with an almost girlish, squealing laugh.

“I think that’s because almost no one here eats it,” added Danbert. Asshurts agreed, but complained that relatively few grocers carried the product, and that “when you go in to a grocery store and ask a worker if they carry tofu, they usually just stare confusedly at you, then say, ‘Oh, you mean that soybean shit?’ ”

Former San Francisco resident Aleada Minton filed a petition to the State of Iowa today to incorporate the City of New San Francisco in northern Cedar County, Iowa. Minton said that over 500 former San Franciscans had already bought property in the area and planned to construct homes. “It’s really not all that bad if you don’t care about the mind-numbing scenery of endless fields of corn and soybeans, and the smell of hog confinements which, combined with the overly luxuriant midsummer humidity, makes it a terrible idea to be outside with open nostrils.”

Michael Housholder, a Senior Pastor at the Lutheran Church of Hope in Ankeny, Iowa, said he was not troubled by the news. “Just because they’re a bunch of gay non-believers doesn’t mean their adopted children can’t be recruited by our church,” said Housholder. When asked if he thought the rampant marriages of gay ex-San Franciscans across Iowa would destroy the sanctity of marriage, Housholder commented that, “[It] doesn’t hurt the sanctity of marriage any more than allowing dirty, hippie atheists to marry each other, or even allowing those heathen, arrogant bastard Catholics to do so.”

Other native Hawkeyes do not seem too bothered by the development, either. Abram Carson, a farmer near Mt. Vernon, Iowa, told reporters, “I don’t mind too much if the queer-folk move intos mines or anybody else’s neighborhoods too much.” Carson stressed that, in Iowa, friendliness towards one’s neighbor and respect for each others’ privacy are paramount. “If what’s-a-man wants to be gay doesn’t mean nothing to me much, because I ain’t. I’ll still treat him like any other folk at the feed store. But what’s-a-man comes up to me and acts to stick his tongue up my butt, then that’s a man fixin’ for a whoopin’.”

ATLANTA, Georgia – At an emergency press conference in Atlanta, head officials at the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention officially declared at midnight, Eastern Standard Time, that the swine influenza virus spreading around the world, more commonly known as swine flu, has mutated into an uncontrollable “zombie virus”.

“Have you seen ’28 Days Later’? It’s pretty much like that,” remarked Richard E. Besser, the Acting Director of the CDC in Atlanta. “No one is safe,” the agency executive added.

Dr. Tanja Popovic, the CDC’s Chief Science Officer, explains that this new ‘super virus’, as she calls it, accidentally evolved in the CDC’s labs. “What we think happened was that the swine flu virus combined with a sample of ebolavirus we acquired from testing on rhesus monkeys in a prior experiment to test the lethality of a particularly virulent strain of ebola,” explained Popovic. “Now this highly contagious virus was then accidentally mixed in with a rare neuroinvasive virus previously only seem in chimpanzees in Africa, with suspected transmission ability to humans.” Popovic describes this newest virus a “zombie” strain, because “it causes the infected to go insane, and violently smash all faces ‘it’ encounters before ravenously, violently devouring a new victim.” Popovic calls the strain a “super virus” since “all previous zombie viruses, however fictional, were not airborne.”

Besser added to Popovic’s comments, saying, “We’re all pretty much fucked.” Besser further describes the virus as “unstoppable.” “Imagine for a moment if HIV were airborne contagious,” said Besser, much the shock of reporters, “and then, that HIV could bludgeon you to death with whatever blunt objects it finds laying around, tear your skin from your body in indiscriminate rage, vomit blood all over you, and rip your still beating heart out of your chest, devouring it in front of you as you hear the screams of your loved ones suffering the same fate in the next room.”

Below: CDC Acting Director Richard BesserBesser: “The entirety of humanity is doomed to the grimmest of all fates in the next few days.”

Dr. Bradley Perkins, head of the CDC’s Office of Strategy, told reporters that the best way to prevent spread of the disease is to “wash your hands frequently, and kill yourself.”

Besser ended the press conference early upon declaring “Oh God, they’re here!” shortly before an unnamed CNN correspondent pounced upon him, forcing his eyes from his skull, and infecting countless members of the audience as the pandemic spilled fully into the Atlantan midnight.