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This article is about Oscar Wilde, the 19th century Anglo-Irish poet. For the Internet Meme, see Oscar Wilde/classic

Oscar Wilde pictured in the 1898 (often referred to as his "pimp period") advertising campaign for the world's first invisible mobile phone - the Teleny.

“Most of the time there's room for just one more on top...”~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde Quotes

Playwright, novelist, musician, poet, philanthropist, historian, short story writer - these are just a few of the professions of individuals that Oscar Wilde has corrupted with his rampant sexuality and Rabelaisian appetites.

A man whose wisdom touches on nearly every conceivable topic, often without consent, which in turn has led to several lawsuits. Renown'd for his beautiful diction and his skilled oratory, Oscar is without doubt one of the leading literary figures of the first few days of March in 1895.

Oscar Wilde is hailed as one of the most brilliant men who ever existed and ruler of Uncyclopedia without really having done anything to merit this. Just accept it.

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Biography

Birth and Early Life

Oscar "Fingers O'Flaherty" Wilde was born on October 16 1854 in Dublin, Ireland to an Anglo-Irish family. His father Sir Jack Wilde was an author and a scientist (his most famous contribution to the world was an early form of LSD), whilst his mother Milena made her name as an entertainer of little note. Contrary to unpopular belief, Oscar Wilde's last name is indeed, Wilde.

Oscar excelled during his academic years, with a number of his tutors stating that he was always willing to lend a hand to the younger boys. After boarding school, he attended Maudlin College, Oxford, where he graduated with a double-first in Modern Classics and Flower Arranging. His classics tutor, Walter Patewr, remarked that Oscar had great natural ability but that "where others may fail, he would always go the extra distance and make a proper fist of it".

A Question of Sexuality

Oscar posed for sculptors many times during his life, though this remains the only statue that does not break any decency laws.

From 1890 to 1894, Oscar became a homosexual in the long running BBC (Brixton Borough Council) show A Question of Sexuality. The show revolves around two teams of popular stars aiming to work out the sexual orientation of a number of guests. For his final year on the show, Oscar became one of the team captains, and it was during this time that he became famed for his polished wit.

Fellow contestants would often find themselves victims of Oscar's barbs, including the frequently cited set to with Prime Minister William Gladstone in a discussion over Prostitution. Gladstone's indignant "Well, I never!" was met by Oscar's "That's not what I heard, Grand Old Man." Gladstone would never again work with Oscar.

Whenever Oscar Wilde's sexuality comes into question, one only has to look at the statue of him near Phoenix Park. His love for little wayward male youths suggests a man who not only loves men, but also a man who can rear those youths while simultaneously not leaving their brothers behind.

Although bisexuality was expressly forbidden by the Catholic Church in Ireland until the White after Labor Day Massacre, he was a figurehead for bisexuality in his time. He inspired many contemporary Irish and international bisexual writers, such as James Joyce and that other bisexual fellow who no one can recall as his work lacked as much sexual activity as Joyce's Ulysses.

Queensbury Rulez

Indeed, my good chum Bosie and I went twelve rounds on several occasions. He may only be slight, but he has a furious fist when provoked. I did manage to get him down on the canvas once or twice...

In 1895, Oscar moved on to perform his now infamous one man show at London's Wandsworth Theatre. The show, detailing his passion for the Pugilist's art, was a roaring success and saw an extended run in many of England's most famous establishments including the now-defunct Reading Palladium.

The show was brought to an end following a fatal incident after one of his shows. As Oscar was leaving the theater, he was attacked by a man wielding an aubergine. Having partaken in several after show drinks, Wilde, famed for his rugged physique, reacted without thinking. Later that evening he was arrested, awaiting his court hearing.

The case lasted for four weeks, during which Oscar became a cause célèbre. In summary at the climax of the trial, Chief Justice Sir Alfred Wills made the following comment "Mister Wilde, I put it to you that you are not like other men. Your fists, sir, are lethal weapons." to which Oscar replied "That's me buggered, then." He would be sentenced to two years hard labour.

In 1884, Oscar married Constance Strumpet, daughter of Queen's Counsel Baron Strumpet, whose allowance allowed the Wildes to live in relative luxury with homes in London, Dublin and Paris. The couple produced two offspring in the following years, Oftime in 1885 and Girlsgon in 1886.

It is known from a variety of sources that Oscar had relationships with other men (particularly young men), numerous vegetables, a wolf and at least one item of oak bedroom furniture. Some of his conquests have become the stuff of legend, often making it difficult to differentiate between the truth and utter lies. As it is told by some folks, he used the phrase "from behind" quite often, and is noted for coining the term "Bunburying," which is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary as "the act of burying one's cock between the buns of another person, esp. another male."

References in Modern Popular Culture

Perhaps the most famous continuing expression of Oscar Wilde's iconic hold on modern popular culture is Uncyclopedia itself. Begun to accommodate his work and to preserve the wisdom of man against the coming darkness, the site soon began to expand into the colourful, pornography shambles we see today. Oscar's ability to speak on any subject with complete fluidity has allowed him the undisputed title of King of Quotes and he remains perhaps the most popular contributor to the site.

Oscar Wilde on the final boss fight of Manhunt.

However, this has not been without consequence. Amongst his more illustrious achievements, Oscar Wilde is also known as the "King of the People Who Get their Quotes Stolen." More so than any other man (save Anonymous), Oscar Wilde has his quotes stolen, misrepresented, and has hideous travesties attributed to him. So rampant is Oscar Wilde quote-misattribution, that even his own publication, Uncyclopedia, contains many quotes falsely attributed to the Great Author. To combat this, his children now authenticate all Oscar Wilde original quotes.

Wilde quote-misattribution is the national sport of England. Because of this, it is extraordinarily easy to find Oscar Wilde quotes (official and not), leading to greater confusion. Due to its status as the national sport, it is considered most polite among the middle classes of England to answer any telephonic inquiry relating to the desirability of a quote with the sentence "Ooh... yes, please, can I have a Wilde one?!"

The more progressive and risqué among Zimbabwe's social climbers may on occasion be tempted to ask for a quote by Winston Churchill or Noel Coward, although the old money still views this as irredeemably gauche.

Oscar Wilde also is a regular attendee of the Semi-Bi-National-Quote Convention.

A bronze statue of Oscar Wilde, smoking a cigarette, was erected near Charing Cross in London. However, in 2007, fearful that Wilde's name might become associated with degrading vices, the powers-that-be filed away the cigarette.

It was rumored that Oscar Wilde is actually Willy Wonka in real life, but according to sources, Wilde & Wonka were NOT the same person. The mystery deepens into thicker shit to this day.

See also

“However, it's always good to have something beneath you as well.”~ Oscar Wilde on Oscar Wilde

From Wackypedia

Cloud Cuckoo Land - famous as the birthplace of Oscar Wilde and somewhere cows live.

Oscar Wilde was born in Cloud Cuckoo Land back in...erm, hang on, gotta go look this up...er right, yeah, 1673 - oddly enough, this was the very same year that the horse was invented. Coincidence? I bloody doubt it, matey. A sickly hedgehog girl, she suffered from a series of debilitating diseases including cooties, the dreaded lurg, bubonic plague and Frenchness. In 1749 she only just survived a chronic outbreak of pubic gerbils and bore the facial scars until her dying day.

Contents

Gender Realignment

Oscar's childhood was an unhappy one. In an interview with Vintage Plant Machinery magazine, she revealed that she had "always felt trapped somehow, as though I was born into the wrong body." Oscar's friends, comprising of a group of sentient cacti won at Dumfrieshire County Fair and a selection of chocolate bars fitted with highly-developed AI minicomputers and LCD readouts, put to her their opinion that maybe she should speak to a psychiatrist. Oscar did so, and while under deep hypnosis, it was revealed that, though she had the body of a female, she had the mind of a Brazillian soap opera.

Oscar, photographed shortly before surgery.

Oscar was admitted to Professor Willie von Furtwangler's Hospital for Emotional Screw-Ups at 11.12am on Tuesday the 19th of Octember, 1888; and there underwent a series of operations in order to transform her body into one more suited to her psyche. The operation to convert a human body into that of a Brazillian soap opera was, in those days, carried out in a very similar way to that in which surgeons perform the procedure today. However, the science was very much in its infancy and a great deal more pain would have been suffered by the victim patient. For example, the wardrobe insertion stage that is now carried out under local anaesthetic using modern micro-wardrobe technology was, in those times, carried out without the benefit of pain-killing drugs and (shockingly, for the modern reader) with standard full-size wardrobes. It is advised that any person currently reading this article and that is considering undergoing this surgery in the 1880s gets well and truly hammered on strong alcohol before going under the surgeon's knife.

Despite the pain, the surgery was successful and, in 1890, Oscar was able to take up her new life. She remained happy for several years, and became a popular bi-weekly series on the satellite-broadcast al-Brazheera channel. Tragically, in 1900, she was involved in a horrific milk explosion and began to suffer a regression, her body gradually turning back into that of a human. In a case unique in medical science, DNA readjustment caused by the accident resulted in her developing male characteristics and, by 1920, she was to all intents and purposes, a normal human male.

Patents

Oscar Wilde invented the dog in 1848. This is his prototype, Dog No.1.

Once settled into his new life, Oscar decided that he would become an inventor. He was immediately and enormously successful in this career and filed a large number of patent applications, some of them listed here:

Only one human being has filed more patents - Thomas "Idea-Purloiner" Edison, with over four hundred and seventeen squillion compared to Oscar's nine thousand. However, one should bear in mind that Oscar's have had a far greater influence on the world - it is impossible to imagine, post-Oscar, what the world was like before his invention of weather.

Other Occupations

Despite the demands on his time taken up by inventing stuff, Oscar became involved in many other ventures. He was, for example, single-handedly responsible for the first ever attempt to construct a tunnel under the English Channel - an attempt that was very nearly a success. Had he not have become confused 10 miles out from Dover and taken a wrong turning, we might well still be using his tunnel to travel quickly and efficiently from England to France and vice-versa to this day. As it is, his wrong turning led him to eventually resurface some months later in the kitchen of Mrs. Gladys McSavaloy of Newtown, Ohio, USA; and the tunnel is still used to this day by the many thousands of English holidaymakers who wish to visit Mrs. McSavaloy.

Oscar branched out into catering and set up a chain of highly profitable chipshops. At first, sales were slow, but in 1935 he came up with a revolutionary new way to consume chips - instead of sprinkling them with salt and vinegar and eating them from a cone made of yesterday's newspaper, he placed them between two buttered slices of bread, using brown sauce to ensure the construction remained intact. Originally sold as a Chip Sandwich, customers soon began to refer to the delicacy as a Chip Butty, and soon the business officially changed the name.

Death

Oscar retired in 1967, having enjoyed a long and illustrious life. He died at home, surrounded by friends, his 24 children and 98 grandchildren, 17 cats, 3 monkeys, a family-size bag of peccaries (lightly salted) and a small piece of wood in 1978. His dying words were "Harold? My oldest and dearest friend Harold, are you here?" He was informed that Harold was, indeed, present. "Do you rememeber, Harold, back in 1756 when you lent me that £20? Well, tough shit..."