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Everything I Know I Learned From Watching TV

I am a lover of many things. Dogs, reading, Walgreens brand jelly beans, the beach, bizarre potato chip flavors. But one thing I remain steadfast and loyal in my affection for? The television. The television show. The television series. Whatever we’re calling shows that don’t actually appear on the television these days.

It started with Saturday morning teen comedies, like “Saved by the Bell” and “California Dreams,” and rapidly progressed into a nighttime activity with the invention of “TGIF,” where such classics as “Full House” and “Family Matters” were born. When I finally moved into my own apartment and got a DVR? Forget it. All bets were off. That event happened to coincide with the reality TV boom of the early 2000s, so I never really had a prayer of escaping the addiction.

I’ve proven my love in various ways over the years. As a tween, I had posters of young TV studs all over my wall from Bop and Big Bopper magazines, mainly of Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Leonardo DiCaprio and Ryder Strong. As a college grad, my survival job was as a tour guide on the “Sex and the City” bus tour throughout New York City. Yes, there was once a time where I knew every teeny fact there was to know about that show and the four women who starred in it. And today, I do a weekly recap of all shows “Bachelor”-related for a Broadway website. I watch the show live every week, simultaneously live tweeting and taking notes for later. Yup, I think you can say I have a bit of a problem.

So in the spirit of making everything in life an educational experience, let’s do a brief review of some things I’ve learned from after all of these viewing hours.

Put your mind to it, go for it! Get down and break a sweat! Rock and roll, you ain’t seen nothing yet! Also, jocks and nerds can totally be friends.

On the West Coast, the blonde smiley girl always gets the guy. In the Northeast, it’s the brunette who only moves half of her face.

Unless you’re in Orange County. Then it’s just the ones who talk a lot.

Who you’re attracted to when you are 12 is also who you will be attracted to when you are 34. I’m looking at you, Leonardo DiCaprio.

When the music comes on, Dad is going to forgive you. If it doesn’t come on, you’re screwed.

Don’t drink with anyone they’re paying you to fight with on camera.

If you’re going to sleep with two people at once, just be honest about it. Sure, people may call you a slut in front of millions of people on the Internets, but it’s your life. Let the guy decide whether he wants to be your sloppy seconds or not. Most of the time, he will.

Sleeping with a married man is fine as long as he is the President of the United States, and the First Lady is simultaneously sleeping with the Vice President. If this is not the case, back away from said married man.

You most likely can not get away with murder.

Any problem can be fixed with amazing shoes, Cosmopolitans and your three best friends.

If you are over 18, you should only be allowed to vote for your favorite dancer/singer/magician/clown act/laser beam dancer/tiny child with eerily great talent if you have voted in the last general election for the United States of America.

Everyone can be a superhero, and probably is.

The only people who care about “space for entertaining” in their new homes are the people with no friends. Don’t be one of those people.

If all the men are douchebags, I’m just gonna skip the whole party.

I do NOT think I can dance.

Your mother can be your best friend.

19 kids is like 17 or so too many.

Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose. No, seriously. It really works.

After all those broken hearts, terrible blind dates and boozy solo nights crying into your pillow, you’re just going to end up marrying your best friend anyway.

Seeing grown men cry is actually sexy, especially if they just received a very large trophy. Seeing grown women consistently bawl their eyes out week after week? Not so much.

What goes around comes around, whether it be in the form of rats in buckets taped to your chest to literally eat your heart out, being shoved down a giant hole to your death, or castration.

Dragons are not ideal pets.

A gay best friend is possibly the best thing you can ever be blessed with.

An excellent diet for weight loss consists of rice and fruit/fish you have picked/caught yourself. That is, if you want to look like Skeletor.

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23 thoughts on “Everything I Know I Learned From Watching TV”

I somehow missed this entry of yours and only just got around to reading it. As I was doing that I continuously kept thinking “is Patti actually me?”. I could’ve written this. Love it. And, I miss the simplicity of what life was when all I had to worry about was not missing an episode of “California Dreams” or “Saved by the bell”. As a Swede, knowing/watching those shows was rare so finding a kindred spirit in that fact alone thrills me, even though I do realize they in reality were hitshows in the U.S. 🙂

I met Jennie Kwan when I was in college. She performed an one woman show and it was brilliant. She ended up staying the night with me after a few guys loaded her down with story after story of ghosts in the alumni house she was suppose to stay in. It was a fun night and she was really sweet and kept in touch with me for a few years after. I learned a juicy secret about a certain boy band member that night too 🙂 but definitely kept it to myself until he shared it himself.

Grrrr so I had a comment posted and – well clearly it didn’t post…so here is the condensed version! OMG Patti this was amazing like seriously read this and went crap a lot of this is me…then I moved onto well at least I’m not alone 😉. Keep writing this glorious blog to show the many lives and loves of Patti 😘

Omg Patti!! This entry made my life! I read it and was like crap some of this is me, both in good ways and bad ways lol (who are we kidding no bad ways lol)! Keep up this beautiful blog of the many lives and loves of Patti, so refreshing 😘

This was so entertaining… thank you Patti! I’m older than you girls so my big thing was The Monkees, Get Smart, The Partridge Family, The Twilight Zone, The Outer Limits, Lost in Space, and the Man from U.N.C.L.E. The magazines were 16, Tiger Beat, and Flip…wow, I’d almost forgotten about all of that! But those shows turn up on cable now~ and for the new generation~ filmakers are making many of them into movies. Henry Cavill as Napoleon Solo? Guy Richie directing? I’ll get a ticket for that!!

Hey Patti, I wonder what would come out if you mix the knowledge of 34 years of US TV and 40 years of Latino TV?? See, I grew up with “Saved by the Bell” and “Full House” as well, but add to that mix, Mexican, Venezuelan, and Puerto Rican soap operas and comedy shows, and what do you get? Probably a very sick mind! LOL! (That might explain why I think shopping at Walgreens counts as therapy, and why I have fallen in love with Chicago, with a Walgreens at almost every corner). Maybe all this TV wisdom would make a good book! I wonder…ha ha ha! Oh! And I second ashleysueslc’s motion! You sure can shake it girl! All the rehearsal in the world would not cure me of my two left feet. You’re just an amazing singer/actress/dancer. Sure confirmed it at the Muny!

Awww! We don’t have Staples back home. Can’t wait to visit one here! My substitute in PR is Office Depot. I love it because it’s always empty and I can have it all to myself! Lol! Yesterday I discovered The Container Store and I thought I had died and gone to storage heaven! … I’m starting to think I seriously need real therapy. Lol.
As for us meeting, it was certainly a great beginning to my new life! I am currently job hunting in Chicago, hoping to relocate to the States ASAP. You guys are the sweetest!

I had completely forgotten about the existence of Bop and Big Bopper. Young girls today don’t know how good they’ve got it. If they want a nice picture of their famous crush, all they have to do is google him/her. We had to try to find a magazine with a good picture and just hope the staple wasn’t running right through the middle of their face!

I must say, the bit about “19 kids is like 17 or so too many” really cracked me up, considering TLC officially announced today the show has been cancelled….

I can’t find any of the magazines that were popular in our day but my younger sister likes Twist. So, these type of magazines still exists – just not the ones we read. Makes me a little sad. I even had s subscription to Teen Beat 🙂

I spent way too much money on Big Bopper, 16, Teen Beat, etc in my teen years. I wasn’t allowed to look at the People/Entertainment Weekly first thanks to my desire to cut out every picture of Noah Wyle or anyone in the cast of Lois & Clark.

I, also, cut my teeth on TGIF – Just the Ten of Us was a favorite of mine (and not because everyone said I looked like Marie). Does anyone else remember The Charmings?

BTW – have you checked out UnReal on Lifetime? I cannot miss even a single episode.