Don't Get All Judgy About Our Interfaith Family

We are an interfaith family raising our children both Christian and Jewish. Dad, me, is Jewish and mom is Christian. They go to Hebrew school at our temple twice a week, and once a month attend an informal educational gathering at our church. We don’t go to church or synagogue weekly, but we do attend services for the holidays and occasional Sabbaths if something special is going on. From the beginning we told our children that we wanted them to know both of our traditions and that whenever they felt ready they could choose one.

As a family, we feel good about this. Our children are getting a chance to learn about and experience two faiths, and both parents get to live a spiritual life that works for them. Unfortunately, our community has not been so supportive. It’s not that they are mean, but I can tell they view us more as a novelty than real or committed members of their religious communities. Some of my friends tell me to seek out other congregations or communities, but I really can’t imagine finding a place that will be much better. Both of ours are liberal, progressive places. Seesaw, how should an interfaith family explain ourselves to help people get it?
—Is this Shul or High School?

Debaters

I’m One Who Thinks 1 Faith Is Best

I need to be very honest here: I’d be one of THOSE people. So I’m struggling with how best to answer your question.

Let me ask this: if next year your kids decide they believe firmly in Jesus, what will happen? Will you all still continue to attend the synagogue, as Christians? Likewise, if they decide to be Jews, will you all continue to go to church on a regular basis?

Here’s the thing: I don’t question the depth of your search. I don’t question your intentions as an interfaith couple. You sound like a kind, mindful guy, and your situation wouldn’t affect whether I liked you or respected you as a human being.

Rather, my doubt would be about sustainability, permanence. It’s not that I’d see you as a novelty. I’d just assume you weren’t likely to be around for the long haul. And that does affect relationships. People tend to invest less when they think someone might leave.

You should know that I’m intermarried myself (and my husband didn’t convert), and that my mom and dad were also intermarried (and neither converted). I’m in NO WAY objecting to a household that incorporates multiple faiths. I’m just trying to explain why you may not be able to convince people you’re a permanent member of their community. Until you are.

In the end, we don’t ever really get to control the way others feel about us. But it does sound like you’re getting what you need from the arrangement, for the present. I suspect that when you know for sure whether you plan to stay for good, you’ll feel a shift in the way people respond to you.

Laurel Snyder is the author of books like “Bigger than a Bread Box” and “Baxter, the Pig Who Wanted To Be Kosher.” Find her online at laurelsnyder.com or on Twitter @laurelsnyder.