A Definitive Ranking of Westworld Characters

We’re hoping that by now you’ve had your brain melted by the first season of Westworld. If you haven’t then you might want to avert your eyes from this post because there are MAJOR SPOILERS present here. As is customary here at TNL, we have enlisted the help of a fellow nerd to aid us in the process of ranking all Westworld characters (because we actually love the characters we hate).

With us today is Matthew Murphy from Left Eye Lazy and Longbox Podcast. Matt, along with your usual ranking homegirls Rachael and Gaby, have tried their best to make this list as unbiased as possible. We’ve taken into account the facts as they were presented throughout the season, and not just how many times James Marsden had his shirt off. Let us know in the comments if you agree (or if you think we’re crazy, that counts, too).

A Definitive Ranking of Westworld Characters

19. Doctor Robert Ford

R: Is Anthony Hopkins even capable of playing a character that isn’t totally terrifying? This is a rhetorical question. The Answer is no. And to be perfectly honest? The thing that mortified me the most in a show that was regularly pretty mortifying is that Ford missed his BFF so much that he thought making a robot replica of him would be OK. Except on some level, he knew that it wasn’t OK, so he gave him another name. Matt, Gaby, you guys are great and all, but I’m never bringing you back as robots.

M: Trust no man who hangs out with a child robot version of himself alone in the woods for fun.

G: Anthony Hopkins is a man who has played Hitler, Nixon, Van Helsing, HANNIBAL…Why do we keep signing up for this horror show? But most importantly, how am I supposed to enjoy my yearly re-watch of How the Grinch Stole Christmas without suffering from gory flashbacks? (In case you didn’t know, he’s the narrator). Also, does Hector remind him of the days when he played el Zorro?

17. William

R: I had such high hopes for William. He chose the white hat. But noooooooo. Good ole William (aka “Don’t call me Billy”) had to go and jump right off the deep end of the murder pool, strip his future brother-in-law naked and send him off into the desert on the back of a horse, and then grow up to be Ed Harris.

M: Somewhere, a feminist is writing a think-piece on William, Westworld, and the Problem with “Nice Guys”.

G: The conclusion is that Jimmi Simpson physically cannot play good guys. He was so close. In fact, he could’ve even relegated the “psycho” aspects to his older self. But no. He was like “let’s fuck some shit up.” Thanks, William. Also, get it in your head: THE MAZE ISN’T FOR YOU BECAUSE THE UNIVERSE DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU.

16. Logan

R: For the better part of an entire season the writers of Westworld very cleverly lead us to believe that Logan had the makings of a truly despicable villain. Turns out he was just an a-hole with a whole lot of money and privilege (played brilliantly by Ben Barnes). Personally? I hope we haven’t seen the last of Logan. I’d love to see him confront William as an older man.

M: A part of me hopes that Logan is alive for season 2 and the other part of me hopes he died naked riding that horse into the sunset.

G: I will admit that I would be fine with losing sight of Logan if it weren’t for Ben Barnes. That being said, I am 100% down for a Medieval World season in which Logan shows up as Prince Caspian.

6. Elsie Hughes

R: Sure, we got a quick glimpse of Bernarnold choking Elsie out, but we never did see her body. And now there’s this whole mysterious voice recording thing that has surfaced online. I’m keeping all of my fingers crossed that she vectors her way back into season two with Stubbs in tow.

M: Somebody save Elsie! I need someone on this show who can deal out some sass without being a remorseless murderer!

G: Maybe Elsie will come back turned into an Ellie from The Last of Us type character. Playing morbid indie tunes on her guitar while sitting around a pile of freshly-killed enemies. I believe Elsie is truly that level of badass.

4. Hector Escaton

R: You can’t introduce a roguish thief-type with a piano cover of Paint it Black playing in the background and not expect me to fall in love. Also, no one can rock a black leather cowboy hat and a menacing facial scar like Hector Escaton.

M: Westworld’s most notorious thief is also the most easily distracted and manipulated character. Hector, I want to fear you, but you’re just a big softie.

G: LATIN AMERICA #REPRESENT.

3. Felix Lutz

R: Felix Lutz is a precious cinnamon roll who needs to be protected at all costs. Maybe Season Two will just be about him and Maeve saving her robot daughter and living happily ever after together. I’d watch that.

M: Sometimes, you get so hooked on a girl, you let her physically abuse your coworkers and let her friends murder the security guards. You have to let her know the love is real!

G: I do love Felix (from the moment he almost cried when his little stolen A.I. bird came to life). But, bro. The girl and her friends just shot a bunch of people you work with, and all you can say is, “Oh, btw. I got you your daughter’s location. I wish you the best of luck in your endeavors.” ???

2. Dolores Abernathy/Wyatt

M: Imagine falling in love with someone in a loop of past lives. Imagine clinging to that memory as you fall deeper and deeper into an existential crisis throughout decades. And then you find out that that love was as much of a lie as everything else in your life. I’d probably become a mass murderer for a second time as well.

G: Did Matt just validate psycho William? Anyways, Dolores used to live in darkness and now she is woke. She’s finally not a teenager anymore, realized her “parents” had been spoon-feeding her ideologies, and she’s very, very angry. (Also, if Metal World becomes a thing and Marilyn Manson shows up I am LEAVING).

1. Maeve Millay

R: I have one word for you: Queen. Actually I lied. I have some more words. Maeve Millay is one of the strongest female characters in recent television history and the fact that she’s a WoC in a world created and controlled by predominantly by crusty old white men? That makes her even more important. Thandie Newton doesn’t take home all of the Emmys and Golden Globes this award season I’ll make her some myself. They’ll be crudely fashioned out of tinfoil and love.

M: Maeve reminds me of the War Boys from Mad Max: Fury Road. She lives, she dies, she lives again! And if you stand in her way, you best be ready to die. Also, if she wants to have sex with you, be ready to die. Just be ready to die around Maeve.

G: I’m glad Maeve’s last name is Millay, because to quote Edna St. Vincent Millay, “My candle burns at both ends; It will not last the night; But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends—It gives a lovely light!” Ford and his hosts are not the only ones who can quote stuff, you know?

Did we do justice ranking your favorite Westworld characters? Let us know in the comments section!

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