My Oscar Speech

I'm hesitant to do this because I'm almost positive I will be receiving an Oscar within the next two to three years (five max). Thus, I will face the onerous task of crafting an entirely new acceptance speech solely on the basis of this blog. On the other hand, in the 1 percent chance I never win an Academy Award, I want to still have my moment. Plus, when I triumph, there will definitely be no time to thank everyone, so this way I can knock some people off the list in advance.

Presumably, I will take home two awards in one night (making history at my age) for Best Director and Original Screenplay. There's also a chance I could pull one in for Best Live Action Short if I get this little YouTube project of mine off the ground. This latter accomplishment is unlikely though because I'm feeling more and more uninspired towards social television these days.

Since you can't witness this live (yet), I'll explain what happens. Denzel Washington enters the stage to present the award. He announces the five nominees even though everyone already knows who's going to win -- me. By now, I've won the Golden Globe, Directors' and Writers' Guild Awards, and my film essentially stomped every other category as well. He calls my name as a nominee; I try not to look at the camera, so as to coolly give off the impression I'm unconcerned. Then, briefly, I give a tiny smile, so I also don't come across as smug. I'm wearing Alexander McQueen.

Even though I'm not the least bit surprised, I am overcome by grief and happiness at the same time, so I put my hands over my mouth like "I can't believe it," and slightly shake my head. I cry -- just a little, not too much -- I don't want to act like I believe this is the most important thing in the world (even though I totally do). Then, I walk onto the stage to accept my prize. I hug Denzel, who presents me with the trophy, and approach the microphone, smiling graciously while the crowd serenades me for approximately two more minutes.

My speech begins:

"Wow! Wow, I... I'm stunned... I don't even know where to begin... " -- (in truth, I'm considering which of my four speeches to use) --

"First off, I'd like to thank the Academy. I wasn't sure who that was until last week when I discovered it was a bunch of white guys" -- (FYI: read) -- "But as to be expected."

Next, I'd like to thank God. I've been praying to win an Oscar for over a decade, well, actually two decades. Of course, I was also praying for my grandmother, who's miraculously still alive, so looks like God did some prioritizing.

To the guy who typed up the subtitles for my movie - thank you and sorry for the shitty job.

Also, thanks to the dolly.

Thanks to my friend Ann for buying me drinks when I was broke. Now that I'm famous and rich, we'll never have to pay for cocktails, or anything else again.

To Harvey Weinstein -- thank you.

Big shout out to my little brother, Ronnie, for being my date tonight. Since I assume I'm still single, this will give me options at the after party.

I'd like to thank Tupac because I've always wanted to say that.

Thank you to the Milk Bar in NYC for inventing birthday cake truffles. I really appreciate it.

To the people following me on Twitter who aren't prostitutes, thanks.

To those behind me in my third grade mayoral campaign, I still appreciate your support. Even though we lost, I think we won.

To my parents who were always skeptical, I don't blame you. A career underachiever, it was bound to happen sometime. I'm sure my mom is already drafting next year's Christmas letter.

To everyone out there who wishes you were me right now, I just want to let you know, it's really awesome up here. Just as awesome as it looks. But don't email me or anything and ask me to help you out because no one actually comes through like that, therefore I'm not going to either... No, I'm just kidding, I will... Well, maybe, depends who you are.

If I left you off, I'm sorry but don't worry because I will definitely give you a nod when I actually win.

And last, I will quote my favorite Oscar speech by Sally Field, "You like me!"