A Tale of Two Occupiers: Gosling and Wall Street

One set of people calls Zucotti Park home the other is protesting in Midtown, some 60 blocks away, but both sets are braving the elements, fighting against a conglomerate bigger than themselves and are doing it for the will of the people. It's just that one's more concerned with Ryan Gosling's "so-good-they-have-to-be-photo-shopped abs" than the other. Here's how to tell Occupy Wall Street and Occupy People (magazine) apart:

The Prize: OP's wants that People cover, and there's some desperation here as Gosling as reached an apex of sexiness and credibility. With movies like Drive and The Ides of March combined with the gratuitous shirtlessness of Crazy Stupid Love it's will take another few years for the Gosling cycle to come full circle. His chubbiness from Lars and The Real Girl no doubt burns in the minds of Gostards who want to strike before another "serious" acting role comes in and sweeps Gosling's sexiness away. Occupy Wall Street's goal of holding Wall Street accountable isn't as tangible. Their monetary demands, "$1.5 trillion in new revenue and using it to create 25 million new public-sector jobs paying union-level wages. It would put Americans to work building bridges, roads, and affordable housing; providing free public transportation and free university education for all; staffing a single-payer health care system; and pursuing clean-energy research," as stated in Mother Jones might be a harder fight. Winner: Push.Occupy Wall Street has the better goal to improve life for 99 percent of the population. Occupy People has a more achievable and arguably speedier goal whether it's an apology or People magazine acknowledging the undeniable sexiness of Gosling. It's not a contest in terms of significance, but the Gosling supporters probably have a better chance of declaring victory.

The Villain: It's America's favorite magazine versus America's ex-favorite mayor here. Well, technically, Bloomberg didn't paint himself as OWS's #1 enemy until Tuesday, but here he is. The lame-duck mayor's previous faux pas--taking the blame off of banks spurred Paul Krugman to call him an "ignorant yahoo." Tuesday's bush-league eviction in the middle of the night (morning?) and ensuing fall out has churned the spirits of protesters into what we have today. People's choice wasn't the people's choice. Siding with Bradley Cooper here, is like siding with the big bank--he's the ubiquitous Hangover dude-bro, on-again-off-again J.Lo trophy beau, and is the living embodiment of what would happen if that Karate Kid villain ever grew up (note: that this character and Mayor Bloomberg aren't necessarily mutually exclusive). Winner: Occupy Wall Street

The Occupiers: The Gosling movement just started, but the from the looks of it-well, it looks more along the lines of an Anonymous demonstration. There are a ton of Ryan Gosling masks, and it looks like people of both sexes are out marching. When it comes to homelessness or joblessness, which Occupy movements are judged against, it should be noted that it is 3:45 p.m. and these people must be (1) working the graveyard shift (2) have the day off (3) don't have jobs (4) maybe working the New York trifecta of hostessing, retail, barista-ing, or waiting tables. OWS occupiers actually have jobs (47%) despite the stereotypes being thrown around, are predominantly male (60%) and skew independent (70%). Oh and there's a lot more of them. Winner: Occupy Wall Street

The Hazards: Pepper Spray seems to be the biggest hazard of OWS, as we've seen reports of policemen spraying women, teens, older women, pregnant women, and basically everyone. There's also the threat of being arrested (journos aren't the exception), and possibly bodily harm. And there's also that nasty strain of tuberculosis going on in Occupy Atlanta. As for those marching outside People's office--well, it's kinda wet outside and it's a bit chilly. Winner: Occupy People

The Figureheads: Dorli Rainey, Scott Olsen, The Hipster Cop--Occupy Wall Street (and its cities) have plenty of memorable faces. What they have in common is that they're all forged from police brutality--the idea that your own tax dollars are pepper-spraying you in the face and giving you a fractured skull. And perhaps that's why the seemingly non-violent, kind of aloof, Hipster Cop has become a beloved figure. Ryan Gosling's face has obviously galvanized the force behind Occupy people. Winner: Occupy Wall Street

Longevity: It's mere hours for one versus Day 62 for the other. The Occupy People movement may have ended before this story is written. Winner: Occupy Wall Street