"He’s the son of the notorious Big Bad Wolf," said a PCC spokes (we cannot say: spokesman or spokeswoman, as this could breach clause 12: Discrimination).

The grandmother cannot be named as this could reveal the girl’s identity. However she can be described as having big eyes, big teeth and big … wow!! [this has been deleted under the Sexual Offences Act and because it might cause her family grief and distress].

Mr and Mrs XXX told Mr Leveson they held a press conference when their daughter went missing.

They said: "Next day, the story was on the front page of all the papers! This was a clear breach of our privacy. We only consented to the story going on page 3, as we’d signed a £500,000 contract to sell our story to the Daily Mail."

Mr Jay asked them: ‘What did you do when you saw the papers?’

Mr XXX: "I let out a huge grunt."

Mr Jay: "Please leave Hugh Grant out of this. He doesn’t like publicity … though he asked me to remind you to watch his new film, Censorship Actually."

The family have asked for complete privacy as do not want any publicity. Their Facebook page currently has more than 800,000 Likes.

A woodcutter also gave evidence but cannot be named because his unusual occupation could lead to the identification of his son 16, who has an ASBO for making wolf whistles.

The wolf is currently having counselling for his tendency to dress up in grandmother’s clothing.

Three press photographers were arrested outside the inquiry on suspicion of being terrorists.

Two had bombs disguised as cameras and one was carrying a false UK Press Card (see photo).

None of them can be identified because Leveson does not want people named at the point of arrest.

All three were later charged, but cannot be named in the interests of national security.

They are due to appear at a court, which cannot be identified under the Data Protection Act.

The media cannot cover the hearing because a burly bastard on the court door won’t let them in.

Reporting restrictions – set out in the Leveson Report – were not lifted. And never will be.