A long, long time ago I remember having a conversation with a friend. I honestly can’t remember who I was talking to, but I remember what we both said.

She, “I fuck who I want to fuck. I don’t get into this whole boyfriend thing.” Now mind you, this was way back in the 90s, before anyone was talking about “hook-up culture” (a phrase that still kinda makes me giggle).

Me, “I need to want to do more than fuck a guy. I need to want to sleep with him. If I don’t like a guy enough to spend the whole night with him, then I figure I probably shouldn’t be having sex with him.”

Well, I gotta be honest, my thinking on this has certainly changed in the many years since I had that conversation. Now, I find myself a lot more likely to enter a new relationship in stages. I date. And after a few dates, if I’m feeling it, I have sex with a guy. But very rarely do we spend the night together the first time. I’d say less than about 80% of the time.

I just don’t let myself get that invested. Or comfortable. Even if he’s all into it.

22 to “Do You Spend the Night?”

I’ve never been a stay the night kind of girl either. When my BF and I started sleeping together, we would fall asleep after the deed and I would sneak out sometime in the middle of the night. I don’t know why, I just did. That all changed a few weeks (months? I really can’t remember)when I woke to leave, checked my cell phone and had a text from him (that he sent after I fell asleep but before he did) that simply said, “Please stay.” We’ve been together almost two years now and we live together. So it takes a while to take those walls down – I mean look what it took to build them up! You have nothing to feel ashamed of or that you’re different. When things are right, they’re right. And if they’re not, you know it. Stick to your gut.

Hmm. I’ve never actually snuck out. I always make it clear that I’m going to leave (or kick him out) and then do so before there’s any time to cuddle or sleep. Cold, I know, but it’s what I’m comfortable with. Like you said, it took a long time to build those walls.

This reminds me of something I told a buddy of mine the other day: I used to think dating was hard until I got good enough at it to get some experience with *relationships*.

I really think this is one of those “no right or wrong answer” things. My relationship philosophy is “I don’t want a relationship–unless I meet a girl who makes me *want* a relationship.” I feel the same way about spending the night (whether it’s early or late in the dating/relationship progression): I don’t spend the night–unless I really *want* to spend the night (or let her spend the night, if we’re at my place).

That said, my career total is probably somewhere near yours in that %80 leave/%20 stay range.

If I’m not comfortable enough to stay the night it’s unlikely I’d want to go to bed with him anyway. I also tend to like to be at my place, and barring anything really ridiculous I probably wouldn’t kick a guy out.

Let me remember the last few times. It’s been a while so bare with me I’m going through a drought. Yes. Yes. oh and yes. The past few times I always sleep over or have the guy sleep over. Even before we have sex, we kiss, cuddle and fall asleep. These days I need that kind of intimacy before sex.

I can only recount one time in my sexual history when that wasn’t true. I had a buddy. I would come over. He’d put my ass to sleep with a Colgate smile. Then I’d wake up in the middle of the night and go home. Does that count as sleeping over?

The older I get, the more I value sleep and sometimes no matter how much I like the guy and/or the sex, I need good quality sleep and I need to be alone to get it.
I used to think it seemed a bit sleazy to leave without spending the night but with busy schedules these days sometimes it’s not possible to stay…and that’s ok.

I have major sleep issues, and cannot sleep unless I have earplugs in and my eyeshade on, and am in MY bed. So, I usually just leave, if I’m at their place. It’s a rare guy who I can actually SLEEP with; that’s my litmus test, on top of seeing if we’re compatible sexually.

When I finished a tortured relationship with an ex gf I said that I was never again going to even allow someone to leave a toothbrush. I would date – but none of them would spend the night– and while I was happy to serve dessert – I would not serve breakfast.

Then I met my wife. Funny thing- I was never one who “spooned.” When I slept with someone, they had their side of the bed, and I had mine. I recall, at 2 am, while visiting my 80+ year old parents, looking in their bedroom and seeing them curled up together (61 years!). I love being next to her – I love waking up in the middle of the night and hugging her and telling her I love her. I love waking up in the morning and feeling my soon-to-be-born son move around.

I don’t know if what works for me works for anyone else. I don’t believe in Karma, or fate, or Santa Claus – but I met someone who is truly special to me- and before I met her I was “lost.”

Now I probably am a sentimental old fool – but that’s ok – cause if I am – then let me live in this world

I spend the night if it’s planned and my dog is there with me and I have already fed the cats before leaving, otherwise it’s not an option for me. I haven’t had the option in a long time, seems the men I date are afraid of a little dog hair from my dog on the floor. One was afraid she would attack his cat… she lives with 4 cats, the only attacking she does of cats is humping them to humiliation. Another was afraid she’d pee in his house, she hasn’t peed in my house since she was 3 months old, or anyone elses, excuses. Before I had the dog, I did spend the night about 1/2 the time. Other times they spent the night with me, which is still what happens most of the time. Works for me, my bed is like a giant warm marshmallow cloud!

It depends on the guy, but generally speaking I don’t sleep over. I also don’t have guys sleep over at my place (I’m a little territorial, sue me :)It’s not that I don’t like the guy or want to to stay over but I subscribe to the belief that “I would rather be asked to stay than told to leave.” To that end, I’m gone early in the morning, usually while he’s still asleep. (I do politely leave a note or text though). Maybe it’s me and I’m just nervous, but I don’t think I sleep as well. I just want to head home, shower and (really) sleep in my own bed.

I’m also not currently in a relationhip, so that may have something to do with it :).