Crazy lady rants

almost summer again, and I’m still fat

by bluegrl13 on March 29, 2016

So… here we are. Again. It’s almost summer and I weigh more this year than I EVER have. Seriously, what gives? I’ll tell you, depression, winter, my love of food and the cherry on top is I eat my emotions. When I’m happy, I don’t eat outside of normal limits. Give me a dose of stress, anger, sadness and I’ll be 1,000 calories deep within 15 minutes. After that comes the vicious cycle of guilt, shame, depression. Theeeeennnnn I eat more. LOL

At 5’2 I don’t have much room for weight. I’ve always been very well proportioned and even when I was 190 pounds I carried it well. Until I had my breast reduction and something in me died. Now, I sit between 215-220 mainly and I’m FAT! I don’t carry it well and I absolutely hate it.

Ok, so I’ve been “trying” since October 2015 with hopes to be my goal weight by this summer and HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that was funny. It’s Almost April and I haven’t budged, until today.

Yesterday I realized that it’s do or die time. I LOVE summer. I’m obsessed with water and sun and can’t get enough of either. But, since I’ve gained all this weight I’ve started preferring winter just so I can hide under a hoodie 2 sizes bigger than me. HEY! guess how fat I am under this tent! Once the temp heats up to about 65 I shed the layers cause I hate clothes. My normal wardrobe consists of tanks and capris. Now it’s big T-shirts and fat people pants. You know the ones, no buttons, no zippers and stretch with you. THOSE! Kind of like yoga pants minus the yoga and nice ass.

and it has forever changed my life. Yesterday after going 2 weeks doing what I normally do to get a base reading I woke up. My friend invited me to join a challenge and watching people MOVE motivated me to move! I also spent my weekend making meals I can live with. Cause lets face it, everything in those magazines are unrealistic for every day people, especially those with bi-polar, kids, husbands and a life. I needed a menu that fit MY taste buds, MY budget, and MY schedule. I went grocery shopping Sunday and got everything I needed to succeed in staying within my calorie range. YESTERDAY I WON! Yesterday was the FIRST day that I actually TRIED hard. I got in 126oz of water, (yes, one hundred and twenty six ounces) still had my homemade Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla Iced Coffee with DD extra extra creamer, got my fat ass outside for 2 short walks up my 1/4 mile driveway (by UP I mean I earn 5 floors on fitbit UP) it’s a hike and ended the day with a feeling of success.

Today, it’s 2pm and I’ve done awesome so far, and the kids are even home on spring break! SCORE!!! I got in 63oz of water, had a 300 calorie breakfast, a 240 calorie lunch, 1 oreo to keep me from killing anyone and I stopped at 1. I haven’t had a sip of soda yet which trust me, this I may fail today because I’m wanting one. bad! I just keep sipping on my water out of this lug- cool gear 63oz water bottle I love drinking things out of a straw more than I love eating, so this only makes sense. Why not stress drink H2O? 🙂 I trick my own mind and it falls for it.

Monday I weighed in at 216.0 and I’m praying hard I can keep this up and see a loss on Friday. I’m really good at quitting whenever I try to lose weight, but THIS SUMMER…. I want to go tubing down the river, I want to take my husband and kids to a water park and not give them 100 excuses why not to go when really I only have 1 reason why I don’t want to. I want to run around the house WITH the kids, I want to swim with them and not let my self image ruin my fun.