Hey Mo, There was some things M said to me that resonated on the night of dad passing. I did not want to go in there and I found the breathing very distressing - I remember saying to her I almost breathe for him with every breath. I only went back in for 2 minutes to stand on the edge and say my goodbyes and that was hours before he died - the rest of the time I paced the corridor like an expectant dad and I consider myself a strong person. Some people were saying I would regret not being there and others saying it doesn't matter. What made my mind up was M saying that I can make as many decisions as I like - stay out, go in, change my mind as it suits because there are no right answers, only my answers and if i didn't see him again it will not make any difference to him because he loves me and for now he is in transition. (I hope you don't mind me saying this M). There are no awards for sitting by the bed and waiting compared to those who travelled the journey with them and it will not influence what happens. The big thing that really made my mind up was M saying that there is no merit in witness, especially if it makes the parting harder and distresses him and me - and it would have been distressing for all if I was there. You look after yourself and don't second guess anything because I am afraid it is just pants whatever way you do it. Perhaps you will be there and perhaps you won't - the hospice staff I understand can tell when the time is drawing nearer and you are close. The answer will come.

My last two sentences from my dad was me telling him I love him for the first time in my life (we just never did as a family) and he said I love you too for the first time. And then the night before the night before he died he said are you staying with me and I said yes (as I set up a camp bed) and he was happy. We had confusion around this and that lucidity was special and only for me. It is lovely that Peter's words to you are you as a couple and made you smile.

I couldn’t cope with the horrible breathing which is why I asked for the oxygen. Just do whatever you feel is right Mo. When I got the call to come back straight away to the hospice it was still 11 hours before he passed but these things are unpredictable. You want to be there but you also need rest or you’re no good to anyone. Xx

The hospice rang me at 0730 this morning because I had asked to be told of any changes, and they had noticed a difference in Peter's breathing. So I fed Boo, washed my face, forgot to comb my hair because I don't look in mirrors anymore, and came here.

The body which is housing my beloved is noisy and creaky and producing unpredictable gasps and gurgles. He is in there somewhere, and that's all that matters so I am not going to refer to the sound effects again. I have also asked that visitors be kept out. If they've been kind enough to make the journey then I will sit in the lounge with them and chat for a few minutes but I don't want anybody else seeing my proud Highlander like this.

I'm OK; I'm buoyed up with your support. I think I prefer virtual hugs to real ones and I am avoiding all those genuinely kind people who want to enfold me in their bosoms. I'm withdrawing a little bit from people because this is my situation and I don't want to share it. Forum Family is different. We're all on Planet PC after all.

You are getting a lot of cyber hugs sent to you Mo from all of us. All of dads brothers and sister came to dad on the night he died but at the end it was just my mum and my sister and I think that is how dad would have wanted it. Such strong warriors deserve to keep their dignity. Much love. DG

Much love Mo...the sitting and waiting is a strange time...Nige was surrounded by his family when he died, and my Dad was too (except me) and I think that's what they would have wanted...but you are absolutely right to do what's right for you and Peter.