To follow a shining star

'I'm sorry Mr. Ndebele but the bank cannot approve a loan on
you.' The bank manger said getting up and fixing up his suit,
riding it of creases he couldn't possibly see.

I knew the sign, this was the fifth time I'd seen it in one
month. I made to walk out of the suffocatingly small cubical, his
so called manager's office. There was no way a manager like him
could work in this small prison. It was small and it didn't take
much walking to reach each of the walls, which were a dirty beige
carpet like design.

The manager made to lead me out the opening which made for the
door but I cut him off. The painful sinking feeling of complete
defeat had reemerged inside the pits of my belly. It was the same
sinking feeling I'd gotten from the four other branches in the
past month.

To fail yet again on something so surefire was awful. The loss
didn't physically hurt like a punch or being knifed, though right
this. I thought to myself feeling breath getting short. I'd have
preferred both rather than this awful sinking feeling. He
couldn't do this to me I had to make him understand.

'Wait I don't understand, I came to you. I did just as the advert
said. My business plan is here! Written down! You have to
understand what this means to everyone in my home. It would be a
charity event that would be good for your bank. It will work!' I
pleaded.

'I'm sorry Mr. Ndebele' He said, I couldn't see any real sympathy
behind his eyes. I was determined not to stop until there was.

'It's Sbu. Call me Sbu.' I said all but bouncing on my heals with
desperations. I was getting truly desperate now. It was clear in
my tone and in the way my chest heaved back and forth as the
sinking grew more intense, it felt as though my lungs were being
pulling into a black hole. My pleading, my desperation wasn't
doing anything though.

'We can't-' He began. My eyes widened.

'Take the risk?' I exclaimed cutting him off 'You can't take the
risk? You're a bank! Damn it! There's nothing wrong with my idea
is there?' I demanded. The manger sniffed and spoke in the exact
same indifferent tone that drove me to such desperation.

'We simply cannot take the risk on your hope. May I
suggest some of the more local banks' He continued.

'I've tried. I've tried them but.' It was his turn to cut me off.

'Then why would we be any different?' The manager answered in the
same indifferent tone, there was an edge of amusement there too.
I wasn't sure if it was my imagination or not. I couldn't believe
what he'd just said. It didn't seem possible for a bank manger to
say such things to a customer. For a moment I felt like a child
who'd just heard his teacher swear for the first time ever in his
life.

'You're supposed to help people!' I bellowed.

'I'm afraid I'm going-'

'I know the drill. You bastard shit.' Was the answer that came
out of my mouth. It wasn't what I meant to say but I felt better
saying it. I stared at the indifferent bank manger. I would have
called it a race issue if he wasn't black. It had been the case
for the other banks but not this time. This was the first time
I'd seen a black manager. He wore a brown power suit with shoes
so pointy they could stab a hole in concrete.

The bank manager was black yes, very black in fact. His dark skin
seemed to absorb all the light in the now silent bank. His pitch
black skin and his black gums filled me with disgust. I was glad
I had left my pocket knife at home now. His English was nearly as
good as any white person I'd ever met. There was a touch of an
accent that most definitely wasn't of this country.

'You're all fucking cockroaches!' I shouted as security guard
grabbed my shoulders and pushed me out of the thick glass doors
of the bank with force. I nearly tripped off my own feet but I
pulled myself up in time.

I was left standing outside the mall staring at the manager who
almost immediately had moved on to the next customer. The
customer was white and the manager's expression had changed to a
much warmer one. The manager led the customer to a different
room, a bigger one. I wanted to scream and throw up at the same
time.

I didn't linger outside the bank.
No, I would never give them the satisfaction of knowing they'd
successfully destroyed my spirit. I took one last glance the
thick glass doors, life inside the bank had continued without a
hitch. There were still people shooting me the odd glance. It
made sense. My special navy blue suit was a now a mess and my
hair was even worse, and worse off it was still morning, the day
had just begun with the end of life. I needed to fix myself up
again, not that it mattered anyway. I was done for the day. There
was only so much complete and utter humiliation I could stand in
a day.

I was standing at the bottom of the Crystal City mall in Table
view. Rich people came here to relax and poor people dressed up
have fun in a classy place so they could pretend to be rich for
the day. I didn't have to look for long to see the general
pattern of it. [Continue here ]Everyone there pissed me off. The
high roof and golden rails gave the massive mall a golden aura
that radiated throughout the mall pissed me off too.

Walking off in a huff I stopped outside an antique store. I stood
staring at my reflection. My dreads were a mess. I tried to fix
them up when I realized that the proposal was still in my hand.

The plan was clearly bad or at least not good enough. Even though
I was sure it was an easy cash cow. The bin behind me made a loud
clanging sound as my proposal bounced off the edges and inside.

Fuck it.

Just fuck it.

It wasn't going to work out. What was I even thinking? I kicked
the bin hard drawing attention to myself for the second time in
one day. Took the lift two floors up to the ground floor and
stepped out side. The harsh South African sun hit my eyes burning
into my brain. I shielded my unadjusted eyes until everything
regained its focus. The parking lot was full, which made sense it
was a Friday morning after all. There were a lot of nice cars,
too bad none of them were mine. Up head there were minibus-Taxi's
filling up to go. I rushed after one of them.

She had been wrong I thought to myself as I marched to the
minibus-Taxis still in a huff. Great! I'd missed the only Taxi
that was heading for Langa. The rest were headed to town or
Guguleto. So I had no choice but to wait for another Taxi or
catch a passing one. Nothing was working for me at all. What I
bullshit day. She was so very very wrong.

I waved my arm and pointed to myself with my armed fully curved
as if I was holding an invisible watermelon. It was the symbol
for Langa that taxi drivers understood. A few taxis passed each
shaking their head at me. Frustrated, I looked at the street
corner and saw a self built barber shop consisting of a chair and
a tent filled with posters of heads and hair styles. The music
that played was of another land probably Nigerian. I assumed it
was since its always Nigerian shit playing in barber shops. It
was the sound I'd always hear wherever I went. They were
everywhere taking everything away from my homeland, My South
Africa.

'Those fucking Cockroaches spreading their AIDS and their drugs
but not before they took our jobs and money.' I muttered.

A minibus filled with at least twenty people stopped. It would be
a tight fit for me but my money would a have a lot of space in
the driver's pocket. There was no doubt about that. At least the
driver was working hard earning his money. I just hoped I'd be
able to do the same for the woman of my dreams and the mother of
my hopes. Today she'd been wrong yet again. There was nothing
working out for me in anyway. Just for the people who jumped out
of their own broken and shitty homelands and into the jobs hard
workers like me deserved. I would never borrow from a loan shark.
There was no way I'd ever do that, my dad had died because of
sharks. There was no way I would kill myself for a shark. The
minibus crossed the perfect roads in Century City and trundled
along the dirty streets of Langa as I passed my money along to
the dozen faceless people in front of me. We turned of the main
street that divided the black area and the colored areas. Shacks
littered the whole area with seven shacks for each house. The
shacks were made from scrap metal with no water, no electricity,
and no toilets. Shacks were so vast in Lang and Guguleto that
they made their own communities. Right up until a fire broke out
then it was every man for him self and it was guaranteed that
you're house would burn down. Fucking Governments best solution
was to install taps and toilets around settlements. I still
thanked God everyday that I was gone from there.

I took a breath and tried to clear the unjustness of the world
out of my head and thought of my love. She'd been wrong about her
prediction but maybe she wasn't. I tried to recall what she had
said exactly. It wasn't too much to remember.

When I thought about it, the message was more ominous than I'd
thought.

"Tomorrow you will get everything you ask for and more."

It seemed clear to me at the time exactly what she had meant.
After all today was the day of my interview. She'd been wrong
though, completely wrong. Maybe something was wrong or maybe she
was trying to protect me from something I wouldn't be able to
understand. I hoped that wasn't the case. I'd been as
understanding as one man could be. The taxi drove past my area.

'Robot!' I shouted quickly. The taxi came to a stop as the robot
ahead turned red.

Finally I was out and feeling relieved to be out of that stuffy
taxi. Looking around I felt the usual twinge of hatred that I
always felt when ever I came home. It was a dump. A five floor
set of flats made by government to beat the unbeatable.

Homelessness

I hadn't cared at all when we'd first moved here. I didn't
understand her gift and I wanted to do everything to understand
her and be a part of her life. She was the best part of my life.

I walked up the stairs to our home on the third floor. I stepped
over toys and ducked under the clothing lines of people too wise
to use the lines outside. I greeted everyone in my path with a
smile that was so forced, I felt as though my cheeks would remain
in the same position for life.

Opening the door to my home felt good. Even though I hated it
with every fiber of my being. It wasn't much better than my
shack.

Me, the refugee on my own land. I thought begrudgingly as I
entered into a completely dark house save the light from the
door. I hadn't expected such darkness since it was so bright
outside. The door slammed closed behind me making me jump. I
found myself enshrouded in darkness and blinded from the shock of
switching from light to such an extreme dark. When I eyes made
their second recovery for the day, I saw my love. My love's face
was hidden in the darkness of the door way. One light shone blue
until it split into two smaller ones. I held my breath as my eyes
fully adjusted to the dark viewing her bright blue eyes. White
fangs appeared as she grinned. My mind fumbled for options of
things to do next, running was the label that looked the most
attractive and stuck in my mind. But I couldn't. I stood frozen
on the spot as my love drew nearer, slowly and carefully but full
of confidence. She was a predator that knew her prey was
cornered. Even she was stalking me everything I loved about her
outshone everything I feared about her. I loved her voice, the
same voice that hissed at me. I loved her every movement even now
as she stalked towards me. She jumped or pounced, I couldn't
tell. I caught her tight as she bit into my neck. The warmth of
my own blood drew cold as it ran down my back. She bit hard
trying to pull meat out of me but I didn't care. I held her tight
and squeezed as hard as I could. She jerked her head up and I
felt the cold of her flemm along with my own blood against the
side of my head. I squeezed still, harder and harder as she
struggled against my bear hug. I shut my eyes as she clawed at me
face. I shut my eye lids even harder as she aimed specifically
for them. They'd nearly given way to her sharp nails that were
jagged at the end from endless nail biting. Finally she fell
silent but I knew her. She was my love after all. I squeezed
harder and turned her from left to right jerking her around. She
woke up fully and attacked again. I adjusted my hand so I held
her lower ribs with my hands digging into her diaphragm dropping
myself down the struggling stopped abruptly as her whole body
froze in pain. I pushed down harder until I was on my knees and
her knees were behind her back bending her spine even further. It
was hard to do as the loss of blood was finally getting to me. I
felt the air change and a sudden searing pain that covered my
neck and face became numb. I was now immune to death, immune to
every thing but my need to be with her. Her head fell onto my
shoulder and the rest of her body fell limp. She was still alive,
I knew the drill she would be fine in a few minutes and life
would carry on for her. I didn't understand it. And I most likely
would never understand but I would try until I died. I would do
anything for her. She who loved me as much as I loved her. I
picked her up and placed her on the bed watching her sleep. On
the bed she woke staring into my eyes. I knew she wasn't looking
at my eye but rather my soul. I blinked awkwardly to hide the
tears that constantly threatened to run free whenever she woke.
She was oblivious of everything that had happened.

Her words were soft and full of concern. How could any man be
angry at her?

'How did it go?' She asked.

'You know how it went' I shrugged and she nodded and tears
brimmed in her eyes. I was always stunned at how easily she
cried.

'I'm sorry they said no to you.' She cried.

'Don't' I said feeling awful and not knowing why. It didn't
matter. She was crying and I just wanted to do everything to save
her. I pressed my lips against hers ever gently. She matched my
kiss and fell back into the bed. Undressing me as I worked
blindly on her ripped up top. We undressed with our lips touching
constantly unable to part for even half a second, only breaking
contact to move her top over her head. I felt ripples in my spine
as she moaned softly. The light brown of my skin against her pale
white skin moving constantly. The contrast in color only added
to the beauty of our carnal act. Her cries and moans were getting
deeper as I pushed on rocking and switching. The darkness of the
room unable to hide the beauty of her exposed body as it touched,
rubbed, pushed against mine. Our breath deepened as our movements
intertwined and increased in speed as we raced towards the height
of our passion. She held onto my body tightly and she cried as I
continued to push harder and faster. I sped up and her gasps and
moans increased steadily until she let out a gasp that imploded
within it's self to come out as she silent scream. I felt myself
exploding too as her nails dug into my back. I fell exhausted
under her grip as she still pushed herself into me. As if trying
to enter my whole body. I didn't question her actions. I knew
better than that. All I could do was listen and be a comfort to
her. I could see the sweat glistening off her naked flesh even in
the darkness we lay in. I wanted nothing more than to open a
curtain and see her in her full beauty. My idle thoughts cleared
completely as she quivered and as she continued to press her face
against my chest softly biting me as she spoke. 'Si-bu please
don't. Don't it.' She whispered as she pushed herself onto me.
She never seemed to say my name right. It was one word but she
said it as two. Yet she could say the full name, Sibusisu. She
had no problems with that.

'Si-bu don't take them, please don't. Don't leave me. I don't
mind living like this really. Just please don't. I've-I've' she
paused to kiss me 'never blamed you for it never.' She continued
to kiss me. I didn't expect this. This had never happened before.
Her pleading like this, she could get tearful. Yes but she'd
never done this before.
It was a first and I found myself in unfamiliar ground. Normally
it was safe to ignore her but right now I just didn't know.

Her movements slowed as she fought back a yawn. I was relived She
must be dreaming or something. She continued to talk.

'I did this for…' I didn't get to hear the rest. She fell
asleep.
I couldn't and wouldn't dare to move for even a second. She
needed her sleep and I wanted to give it to her. So I lay there
for a while. I felt restless on the bed as she slept peacefully.
She went though an endless stream of issues. There was Demon
possessions, night terrors, future sight and other amazing things
no one had ever seen before. Yet I still hadn't figured anything
out to help her or at least absorb the pain she felt. I was
helpless, useless and pointless to her.

I could feel the frustration bubbling inside again and the
sinking feeling that I had from that fucking Nigerian who thought
himself better than the world. If I could I would transfer my
loves sorrow to him and multiply it by ten.

'All I want is capital to open my business. Then we'd be free of
the hole me and my love live in' I pleaded to God.

There was a change in the air. I could feel it as filled my
nostrils I knew what bore that smell.

"Ghost…" I began.

Before I could move my love woke up and threw up on my chest. If
smelt and felt rancid. The heat of it trickled down both mine and
her skin as the vomit flowed gently down in the line that linked
me and love. I held her as she feebly struggled to clean it up
off me and the sheet. I held her tight trying my best to ignore
the vomit that was now sticking to my skin as it flowed down
slowly. The stream of vomit froze on our bodies. Picked her up
moving along with her until we were off the bed and within reach
of a towel. I wiped excess vomit off us and led her to the toilet
and with a wash pot. I washed the puke off her soft skin thinking
about the spirit that had just come. It wasn't likely it would
return. They rarely did since I set up all manners of crosses,
tribal charms and dream catchers. I got up and look at my
kitchen. There was rotten food everywhere even in the fridge. It
had all rotted as soon as the spirit had walked past. I hadn't
eaten so there was nothing in my stomach to affect me. At least
that's what I understood of it. In the case of my love the devil
must have rotted the very food in her belly making her throw up.
I took the duvet and the sheet rubbing the extra vomit off me. I
threw everything into a stinking pile, including my favorite
beach towel.

Shit. Shit! Shit!! SHIT!!!! Fuck! FUCK!!

I spat out the taste of vomit that the smell had created inside
my mouth. I took a cold bath with the same pot and got dressed. I
apologized to my love and locked behind me. I leant against the
door as it shook under her constant banging. She yelled after me
and then she screamed. I rubbed my face of a tear and adjusted my
dreads. There was a hoot on the ground floor. The banging grew
more intense as I peeked over the rail. In front of the flat were
two of the only people I could truly call friends. They weren't
used to English but they were used to me speaking it constantly.
So they let me speak English and they spoke in Xhosa. I ran down
to the ground floor and waved.

'Heita!' Shouted Tsepo. He stuck his whole body out the window of
his Citi Golf. Tsepo idiotic grin was a welcome sight.

'What you guys doing here?' I yelled back.

'[Visiting you obviously.]' Replied the much sharper Tolani. Who
sat back in the drivers seat.

'[It's a better name than bitch]' Tsepo said as the music in the
car blared so loudly that any talking was out of the question.
They drove fast and wildly attracting the attention of anyone
with hearing range of the custom speakers that were Tolani's
pride and joy. They stopped for alcohol before driving again. I
felt good and I was having fun. We crossed the townships then we
went past the industrial Uppington area before town. After a
while we drove to the more posh parts of town where big houses
were everywhere and there wasn't a piece of litter to be seen.

The music played softer and Tolani's driving became more
deliberate.

'What are we doing here?' I asked in a whisper. I was whispering
and I didn't know why.

'[Giving back to the black community of South Africa.]' tsepo
laughed.

'[And Sbu's white woman]' laughed Tsepo

I ignored him and bit my lip. Nervous at the prospect that WASN'T
being offered to me at all. Backing out would end three years of
friendship in a very deadly way. As if to confirm my suspicions
Tolani pulled out a gun and passed it to Tsepo before pulling out
a gun of his own. We were parked outside a white house with a
wall that stood at double our heights. It was toped with electric
wire. I knew the main weakness of most houses. It was common
knowledge to us as Tolani pulled out a jack from the boot. He
attached it to the edge of the gate and turned the Jack. At first
the wall it's self cracked but it held as a whole and the gate
gave way to the strength of the Jack. I went in first and Tolani
followed with Tsepo taking the rear. Tolani then took out a
crowbar and started powerful but slow work on the door. It opened
and the gate gave way letting us in without waking a soul. I
felt something chilled brush my hand and I jumped in shock. It
was Tolani holding a bolt of petrol with a cloth on top before he
gave it to me. It was a petrol bomb with sand at the bottom for
sticking power. I didn't ask questions but rather moved on. We
worked the entertainment room before working though the unused
rooms. I walked into a room that turned out to be the master bed
room. The bed was larger than life. With two people fast asleep
on the bed. There was a muffled cry outside the bed and I found
myself running out of the room and following the sound. It was
Tsepo. I shut my eyes as the cries came in quickly but
repetitively. Tsepo was fucking some kid in the other room.

I felt sick thinking about it but he had the gun. As sorry as I
was for the girl I needed to stay alive for my love. I cleared
my head of the muffled screaming as went to look for Tolani. I
thought about my loves kind and wise words before she'd been
taken over. She was a historian in the making she liked doing all
kinds of research. She had said the in the forgotten book of
Solomon. She said Solomon had been given not only wisdom beyond
measure. He was given the ability to control the very demons of
hell. They had mined his gold as his people prospered. She'd said
that as soon as Solomon lost his path with God the demons had
cursed all the gold. It was a bullshit story but it helped me
forget. I found Tolani inside the master bedroom.

'[Sbu you still got that bottle?]' He asked

I gave him the bottle but he didn't take it.

'[No Sbo this is for you to do. I know how much you hate these
life stealing "Cockroaches"]' Tolani laughed no longer whispering
at all. The noise woke up the people on the bed. They're words
were cut off by Tolani's gun cocking. They stood up by the sides
of their beds. They're faces where invisible in the dark all I
could tell was that they were black. The room lit up slightly as
the bottle in my hand lit up. I dropped it in shock and both me
and Tolani jumped away from it. To our relief it didn't explode.

'What are you doing!' I shouted at.

'[What? Why did you-]' Tolani began.

The man made his move at Tolani's gun. I saw his face and nearly
fell over in shock. It was the bank manager. Before he could get
the gun he took a bullet in the stomach. He stared directly at me
before the bottle flew back into view and exploded on his head.
Tolani had kicked it with skill that reflected a past of soccer
bliss. The managers black skin lit up against the flame. He
reached around lighting up the master bed. He nearly caught me
but I avoided him in time. Tolani kicked him into his wife who's
nightgown caught alight. She screamed as she beat at him and at
herself. It would have been comical if it wasn't happening but it
was. But it felt too unreal too inhuman. Like a tour of hell. She
managed to get him of her as he fell to the ground rolling too
slowly to put the fire out. She ran away only to end up in
Tolani's arms.

'Tolani don't' I tried to tell him to stop.

'[Don't worry. I know I'll get sick if I fuck this cockroach.]'
He stepped back as he placed the gun against her head. She
screamed the whole time until the gunshot silenced her forever.
Blood covered my shoes as it poured out of her skull. It was as
if the blood in her head was pouring out.