Thursday, November 29, 2007

Now the inherent risk of a list like this is that it is bound to offend. Someone somewhere is going to look at this and say, "But #6 is my FAVORITE movie! How dare you?" So before I get the hate mail, let me just apologize in advance. Go ahead and leave me a comment about why I'm so very wrong--I'm ready for it.

My Guidelines:

* I've only picked movies I've actually seen--at least in part (most of these I didn't finish). I'm sure there are plenty more that stink but I had to go with personal experience on this one. As a note, I have less tolerance for bad movies nowadays and I'm getting better at knowing which movies I would or wouldn't like so many of these on the list are from ages past.

* I've only picked movies that are fairly well-known. I mean it's EASY to be horrible when you start out with no expectations, it takes real talent to flop when you've got big-name stars and a huge budget--think Waterworld (which I haven't seen--neither have I seen Congo, Planet of the Apes or 2001 a Space Odyssey though I have a feeling they'd be on here if I had).

* Not just any junk will do. To make my list it has to not only be bereft of entertainment, it has to really irritate. There's no pain like paying $9 for a movie that is terrible. It's enough to make you want to organize a coup of Hollywood--or fire all the writers. Heh.

* Movies I've seen on T.V. don't count--maybe they're better in their uncut versions or at least I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. That's the only way Erin Brokovitch and The English Patient missed spots (I'm with Elaine on that one).

* Finally, sequels are disqualified because they're so likely to make the list it's just not fair. I mean who actually bought a ticket to Baby Geniuses II and thought, "I bet this is going to be a great movie!"

So without further ado . . .

1. Elizabethtown. I saw the preview for this one and was sucked in by the Quirky Banter. Yes, Quirky Banter is all the rage in Hollywood nowadays but it wasn't enough to compensate for this very odd movie. Started out with potential (I like the actors) and then I got stuck in Cameron Crowe's personal playlist that just wouldn't end. Even the Great Tom Petty couldn't compensate for this weak movie. What was with Susan Sarandon's diatribe?

2. The Fifth Element. This movie created what is now known as "The Shimeks Effect." In Anchorage if you want to buy quality electronics you go to Shimeks, a home-grown store that has all the state of the art gadgets and what do they play 24/7 on their giant-screen t.v.s? Yup, this is it. Men get sucked into buying a television based on all the surround-sound, wild colors and special effects this movie has to offer but when you actually sit down to watch the movie you're in a bad place. I feel rather sorry about including it, knowing that my it's my father's favorite movie--I apologize Dad.

3. Short Circuit. This is where Ally Sheedy's career ended. All that 80s fame and she ended up with a robot that makes E.T. look exciting. Don't watch it. Ever. (And side note: while I'm sounding so ornery I might as well mention I didn't care for E.T. either, but not enough for it to make the list).

4. Weekend at Bernie's. Another 80s disaster. It was just a freakishly odd movie--unless you're into dead bodies that dress up and act drunk. I still remember the shock at discovering they'd made a sequel. What what??

5. The Hunchback of Notre Dame. From the beginning I thought this was an odd story to make into a cartoon but I went to it anyway, trusting in the Disney talent but oh how wrong I was. That scene where the Bad Guy is singing about his burning desire for Esmerelda and the flames are leaping out of the fireplace toward him? Somehow I'm not feeling that that's your typical forest-animal-happy-song. Who was it who read this towering masterpiece and its last tragic scene where Quasimodo lays down on the pile of corpses, clutching Esmerelda's dead body to him and said, "Now THAT would make a great cartoon!" Could there be another story on the planet LESS appropriate for Disney than Hugo's classic? What next? Crime and Punishment: the Musical? Every theme of this amazing novel was destroyed once Eisner got his clutches on it. Not that I'm bitter.

6. Forrest Gump. I know I'm going to get hate mail for this one. It's EVERYONE'S favorite movie but I just didn't get it. I love movies where the underdog conquers all--I liked Rudy--but this one I couldn't get my head around. Was it supposed to be funny? Was it supposed to be sad? Because no one on the planet could do all the things that guy supposedly did and no one would love him the way everyone in the movie did. Although now that I think about it, that guy on American Idol that sang "She Bangs" might have proved me wrong. You gotta wonder at someone who puts Forrest Gump on the list of worst movies ever but fails to include Clash of the Titans but what are you going to do?

7. Ace Ventura Pet Detective. I dislike bathroom-style humor. Flatulence jokes, humor about body parts, etc.--it all seems rather juvenile and Jim Carrey's style is so out of control I don't find it funny. It's like being caught in a time warp at summer camp where you're trapped with a flock of 10 year-old boys that won't stop burping. Though I loved The Truman Show . . .

8. Cellular. Did you see this one where Kim Basinger was kidnapped and called some guy on a cell phone and he tries to rescue her? The guy has THE BEST COVERAGE on the planet. His battery is amazing, his luck is beyond amazing. I can suspend my disbelief for an hour or two but this one was just too much. They could have brought in killer sharks, flying ninjas, singing nuns and 32-foot M&Ms and it wouldn't have been less believable. I'm still a Handsome Rob fan though, despite this stinker.

9. Drowning Mona. I bet you haven't seen this one. It may be too obscure for the list but with Bette Middler, Danny DeVito, Neve Campbell and Jamie Lee Curtis you'd expect more. Isn't it funny how expectations make such a difference in how much you like a movie? I'd heard how funny this was so I was expecting more. I doubt Will Ferrell is including this one on his resume.

10. The Mask. Another Jim Carrey that was too weird for words so I'll not attempt any.

11. Happy Feet. I won't go into another review here, I saw this last fall on opening night and did a blistering post about it (I love the comments--I got chastised pretty thoroughly by a grandmother who took her grandchild to see it and loved it). The best thing about this movie? It was so bad, writing a review was really fun.

12. Paint Your Wagon. I'm a huge classic movie fan but if you think that classic movies are guaranteed to be good you'll want to avoid this one. Grace and I watched it with my grandmother last year and the farther we got into it the more we kept looking at each other and saying, "What in the world??" Take Clint Eastwood and Lee Marvin and add some singing and dancing then throw in some polygamy and Mormons and wife-sharing and you've got the general idea. And I saw very little painting going on.

13. ???? As fun as it is to list the worst of the worst I have a hard time coming up with movies I really hate. I love a good movie so help me out--finish this off with the movie that made you want to weep. And not in a good way.

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comments:

Hands down. "The Apostle" with Robert Duvall and Farrah Fawcett. Here's a link with its info. LOVE how after "plot synopsis" it says "The plot synopsis is empty." Amen.http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118632/

I like how you put yourself out there and included movies that are probably on many people's list of favorites. "Forrest Gump" had the opposite effect on me. I was expecting to hate it, but thoroughly enjoyed it instead.

My vote for #13 is "Lady In the Water". My ex-girlfriend is a big fan of writer/director/actor M. Night Shyamalan, so we went to see it. One of the worst things that can happen to a performer is that they start to believe their own positive press and therefore feel they can do no wrong. That's what I think happened to M. Night because "Lady In the Water" was lousy!

I have to say I agree with your list...except "Elizabethtown" You can't go into this movie with expectations of a story line. There is no story line. It is simply a movie about life, about learning about life. Go into to learn the lessons of life along the way, learning how to ENJOY the journey, and you will find it is a good movie. Not great, but good.

GREAT!! list idea for a TT! {I think I'm going to borrow it, too}One of the worst movies I ever saw, and paid for a ticket to attend, was "Baby," a sad sad movie that came out in the 80's about a baby dinosaur.....and that's all I remember. It was quite forgetable!

Okay--I'm trying to keep up with the thread here--I didn't see Liar Liar (I learned my Jim Carrey lesson by then) Failure to Launch or the Jerk, sorry--but funny thing Tammy, I watched Bridge on the River Kwai last night for the second time and loved it all over again :) Don't watch the Great Escape or the Dirty Dozen if you're looking for good hero-survival ratios.

Ever see War of the Worlds by Timothy Hines (not the Tom Cruise one, althought that was prett bad, too). I've seen thousands of movies,, and the Hines one was putrid-awful bad. Made in 2005, stars Anthony Piana. Watch it and get back to me, eh?

I can think of two movies that deserve a worst movie award: first... A Man Apart. I love Vin Diesel but this movie was so bad that even his presence didn't help. Second... Ecks vs. Sever. Again, love Antonio and Lucy Lu but there were plot holes in that movie that a semi could drive through.

I also absolutely hated Goodfellas.

There were a few on your list that I loved though. Just goes to show that one man's trash is another's treasure.

Finally! Somebody who hates Forrest Gump as much as I do! I first watched it in college, but I finally had to abandon my roommates and go to bed...couldn't take it any longer. Hate that movie. I'll vouch for Elizabethtown being terrible, too.

And I'm probably going to get run out of town for this one, but though I loved the music, I thought O Brother, Where Art Thou was absolute dreck.

"broken arrow" was a huge disappointment. and maybe on a theme, "battlefield earth" was so bad, though i didn't see that one in the cinema, and i had heard it was bad. so bad that friends and i had to rent it, and had so much fun making fun of it...

i did like short circuit and weekend at bernies, but i was much much younger then...

Ooooh! Oh! That Hilary Duff Movie...Raise Your Voice...ick...Doogal had many celebrity voices and drove me crazy!Hmm...I am sure there are tons of bad movies out there, and someone that loves every one of them!

I hated Happy Feet too, but the hands down title for Worst Movie Ever has to go to Mulholland Drive - what on earth were they THINKING? I spent the whole movie confused. I don't like not having a clue what's going on. Did that movie even have a plot?

I find that when I movie has been so hyped up and so over publicized, it stinks for the most part. because you go in having huge expectations for it. When a movie isn't over publicized, then you really don't have many expectations going in.So no matter the publicity, I generally keep my expectations low, really low this is Hollywood, remember? That way when the movie is a bust, you already thought it would be. And if you liked that movie, then you come out feeling better that you just spent $7-$10 and didn't waste 2-3 hours of your life. I also don't go to the movie theater very often at all...by the way I did like Forest Gump... Capitan Dan!

I liked Forrest Gump the first time I saw it. It was kind of cute but it's not the kind of movie I want to watch again. So my answer for the poll is yes, then no.

Also, I'm with you on Ace Ventura for the same reasons. Loved Truman Show as well. I think Carrey also did well in The Majestic.

A movie I really hated? Annie Hall. It's been so long since I've seen it and I can't remember what I hated about it, I just know I still have a bad taste in my mouth. I am one of those people who just has to watch a movie until the end (type A, you know, gotta finish the task), but this one I had to turn off.

Great blog, by the way. I'm a new subscriber and I'm really enjoying it!

I know I liked 5th Element and Short Circuit when they first came out--no idea what I'd think of them now, though. Forrest Gump--we have the video, and I watched it with my very critical sons several months ago--their response: bewildered.

I'm glad we skipped Happy Feet--I was not remotely impressed by the previews, and suspect my reactions would have been like yours.

We don't see many movies nowadays, but I have seen some of your list. I didn't mind Forest Gump, I think the movie was interesting, but completely unrealistic at the same time. I am not sure if I would vote yes or no on that one..

The one I would add to the list "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". A Jim Carrey movie that was so dumb I could't get through it. I completely did NOT understand what the heck was going on, and I didn't care. Just plain wierd. AND it won an Oscar? I don't get it.

I do enjoy watching the Fifth Element, but I will agree it's a stupid movie. That actually goes for a lot of movies I watch actually. I agree about Hunhback too. I watched it by myself before I let the kids see it, and they will never see it as far as I'm cocerned. The music is great, but it really should be rated PG 13 at least.My pick for #13 is Hollow Man. Kevin Bacon (which should have been a clue, but in my defense it also had Elisabeth Shue) plays a scientist who invents an invisibility formula, but the side effects are daunting. They had the chance to do a really ionteresting psychological study about what kind of choices someone would make, but the character was so vile to begin with the only question was who he would kill next and in what grotesque manner.

TOO FUNNY. I loved Elizabethtown. Maybe I loved the soundtrack. I just love movies that don't have to really "go" anywhere. But your other ones are definitely good candidates. Except for Forrest Gump, of course! The worst movie I've seen recently (can't believe I am admitting) is Because I Said So and probably the worst acting I've seen in a long while is The Holiday.

I liked Forrest Gump - not because it was true to life, but because it was at least INTERESTING (as opposed to much of the other movies on the list!)

I agree totally about Elizabethtown. I saw it for free in exchange for an online review- and still felt ripped off. Not as ripped off as Kicking and Screaming with Will Ferrell though. I actually wanted them to PAY ME for seeing that one.

The New World - the Pocahontas one with Jewel's cousin and Russell Crowe stank. So did King Kong.

There was also another one that I saw. I can't remember the name. A kid has to get a job so he gets a job as a custodian at a Wal-Mart type store. There is a rich girl who is hiding out in the dressing room cuz she's trying to shoplift to get her daddy's attention. Together they trash the store. They might fight off some robbers. I can't remember. All I remember is that at the end of it I wondered why anyone would have wasted movie film for this.

I agree about Adam Sandler, not a big fan, though I thought Mr. Deeds was pretty funny. Maybe it was his butler that did it. But I've got to stand up for Better off Dead--one of the funniest ever. "I'm really sorry about your Mom blowing up Ricky" and all that.

We still say, "I want my two dollars!" every now and then, but yes, we're nerds.

I am one of the ones that did ike Forrest Gump. It's the type of movie that you would get very different reviews from many different people.

This review is the only one that I have ever agreed with 100%:

This captivating look at some of the most profound modern American history and pop-culture demonstrates a true storytelling experience. It expresses the idea that any one man can have a great impact on the world without the knowledge of doing so, and that intelligence is not a lack of wisdom, or of character. If possible, the child-like innocence captured by Gump's obvious handicaps make him more of a compassionate and loving human being than any lying and big-headed member of society gifted with intelligence.

I think The Hunchback of Notre Dame is the ONLY Disney movie I haven't seen - probably for the reason you said. It's NOT cartoon material. I suspect they thought they could make it after The Little Mermaid, but I can't see how it could work - so I haven't seen it.

Oh and Bloodwork, Six Degrees of Separation, Chicago, 6 Days and 7 Nights and Mystic River. (I actually had the horrible experience of seeing Mystic River at a sneak preview, and I sat behind a row of reporters. At the end of that crappy show of movie-making, I loudly proclaimed it the worst movie ever made and lamented the fact that two hours of my life were now gone when I could have been doing something productive, like putting splinters up my fingernails. Yeah, it was that bad.)

It is funny how everyone has such different tastes. I dislike so many movies (action movies in particular) I couldn't possibly name them all, but here are some of my not-favorites that come to mind as the worst:

One of the worst movies--oh, I'll be flamed for this for sure--is You've Got Mail with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

He runs her out of business. He stalks her. He lies about who he is to get close to her. He dates her without letting her know his real identity/online relationship. Nice. Not something I thought was romantic or funny at all.

wow, being commenter 74 -- this list really caused a stir! i *hated* forest gump too. i'm with you, girl! i didn't read all the comments but i'm putting "magnolia" on the list. almost walked out. so bad. bad. really bad. don't see it if you haven't. ew.the redeeming part of happy feet is the soundtrack...we like it in our house.

I know I left a comment, or at least typed one up. It probably gotten eaten in blogland. Urghhh..... I have been having troubles with leaving comments on Blogger.I am with you on Forrest Gump. I did not get it, at all. Way too silly and it annoyed me. I've always said maybe I should give it another try? Perhaps I wasn't in the right frame of mind? Nah, it just wasn't good.You got me thinking about making a list of my worst seen. Mmhh??

I have to say, I'm unimpressed with most movies these days. They are unoriginal, forced, lifeless tripe.

I couldn't agree with you more on Jim Carrey movies. I see why people like him. I'm just not one of them.

Personally, I would add most of the "Austin Powers" to this list. Again, I can see why others like them. But the joke is old after 90 seconds. I cringed through the rest of the movie. And crass humor always turns me off.

By the way, your "two dollars" line cracked me up. I hadn't thought of that in years.

And for the record, I'm one of the few who loved "Serendipity" with John Cussack (although I saw it on a plane, where it had been edited). The humor was very unexpected and off-beat, which charmed me.

someone's worst movie is a different someone's best movie.it's like music i think, lots of different choices and tastes...i like some of your list, and agree with the dislike of some of them. no worries to me either way....

The reason The Truman Show was so good is because it was a drama and Jim Carey's dramas are excellent. He has to tone down his personality for them and he's less over-the-top and cartoonish.

I have to admit that Fifth Element is on my list of bad movies I love to watch so I don't think it's absolutely so horrible.

I liked Forrest Gump when it came out, but I've seen it too many times. The book was far worse. I kind of put it in the same genre as Big Fish; kind of a tall tale movie. I think having just graduated from U of Alabama had something to do with why I liked it at the time since it had Bear Bryant and the incident with George Wallace blocking the first black students from registration.

I really didn't get why either of the penguin movies were such big hits. Neither were very interesting. I fell asleep in Happy Feet and the end made no sense.

Now the only two films I've only actually walked out of in the theater were Fletch and The Gods Must Be Crazy.

I absolutely hated "Outbreak". It was about some horrible disease that spreads to America and decimates an entire small town. I felt freaked out and sick for weeks, nay months, after watching that movie. I'm also not crazy about Grease. Sure the songs are catchy and it's an American icon etc., but the point? This sweet little lady becomes a slut so her loser boyfriend won't dump her. Hmmm.

Oh, and I am so with you on all of the ones on your list that I've actually seen. We turned off Ace Ventura after about 20 minutes. Happy Feet made me want to gag. My father forced us to watch Short Circuit when I was young. Ugh. And I've had the exact some thoughts about Hunchback. What on earth were they thinking?!?

Oh I HATED Forrest Gump too! It was so inane. Also, I HATED Titanic. Apparently, there are women so stupid and sentimental that, even after a happy and fulfilled life, they would throw away a priceless gem into the ocean in memory of 2 days with some guy who died 70 years ago. Yep. And then, other stupid women who LIKE that. I have so many other movies I hated! This is fun. Maybe I should get my own post :)

Ok, I agree mostly but Drowning Mona? Come ON! One of the most hilarious movies EVAH! yup, I'm not even joking. It's very dry and there is hysterical foreshadowing going on the entire time! Anything with Yugos in it is funny!I get why you didn't like Forrest Gump. I'm not a fan either but the rest of my family loves it so it's grown on me. You didn't have an "ehh" option on the poll!

scrib,i hated elizabethtown and we had to just shut off the video in our home because none of us could get into it. sometimes, even if i don't particularly like a movie, i will still watch the whole thing. cause it might get better. but that was definitely one that went right back into the rental video box :) kathleen

I'm gonna leave a comment even though it will proabaly get.... LOST IN TRANSLATION. YAWN!! Was there a script? Was there a story? How long can you spend watching Bill Murray look confused and bored without getting onfused and bored? The only time we've walked out of a movie and asked for our money back!!

Loved The ApostleHated Forest Gump...preditable, trite.I like Jim Carrey AND Jerry Lewis.Don't go to movies much any more. I guess I'm entering geezerland, but movies have become too violent, too much skin, too much sex, too much bad language. Luckily I missed most of the movies on your list. Love MOMM

I just had to laugh at your list. My husband loves most of the movies on your list and I can't stand them. I would have to add wayne's world and bill and ted's to the list too. However, we have happily found movies we both love and watch over and over. I'm a Handsome Rob fan too. :0)

Happy Feet was so annoying. Unfortunately I'm the only one in my family who thinks so. My kids loved it and my husband didn't hate it like I did. I'm the only one with good taste in my family I guess. Another lame movie was "Batteries Not Included." The kids were watching both of these movies on one very, very long road trip.