Well, of course, their requests for subsidies was not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?

________________________________________

Alice:

You're not going to give me some bullshit that you're dying, are you?

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

No... not now.

________________________________________

Captain Hefling:

What about that red Chinese radio chatter?

Austin Millbarge:

It's done. Here you go.

Captain Hefling:

Done? That was a static-filled triple-scrambled microwave transmission between two soldiers talking in Mandarin Chinese!

Austin Millbarge:

Well the Chinese were only using a simple polyphonetically-grouped twenty-square-digit key transposed from boustrophedonic form with multiple nulls. I broke it with this.

Captain Hefling:

A Drogan's decoder ring? They put these things into cereal boxes... For kids!

________________________________________

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

I'm sorry I'm late; I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end, and I found out I received nothing... broke my arm.

________________________________________

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

Oh. Uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There's a thousand dollars in there... or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean?

Test Monitor:

Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

What do you think?

________________________________________

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

(There is a war cry in the distance)

Was that me?

________________________________________

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

(They hear a sound)

Did you hear that?

Austin Millbarge:

Yeah. It's a dickfer.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

What's a dickfer?

Austin Millbarge:

To pee with.

________________________________________

Austin Millbarge:

(Ninjas emerge and surround Millbarge and Fitz-Hume])

We need a plan.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

Let's play dead.

Austin Millbarge:

Show some balls, man!

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

I think it's too late to try and impress them.

(beat)

Alright; Stop right there... and I'll bring back the sun. Okay...

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

(con’t)(Fitz-Hume shows a picture from his wallet)

This is my sister. You can all have her. I hear she's very good.

________________________________________

Col. Rhumbus:

Boys, it would be a shame to have to kill you now.

________________________________________

Austin Millbarge:

I gotta take a leak. You should go too.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?

Austin Millbarge:

So, isn't now one of those times?

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

No.

Austin Millbarge:

You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment?

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

No, I'm fine!

Austin Millbarge:

Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now?

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

I gotta take a wizz?

Millbarge nods triumphantly

________________________________________

Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.

(Imhaus exits)

Dr. Marston: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Dr. Marston: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.

(Marston exits)

Karen Boyer: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Karen Boyer: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: (amorously) Doctor!

(Boyer exits)

Jerry Hadley: Doctor.

Austin Millbarge: Doctor.

Jerry Hadley: Doctor.

Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.

(Hadley exits)

Austin Millbarge: We're not doctors.

________________________________________

Austin Millbarge:

(Arguing surgical techniques)

We mock what we don't understand.

________________________________________

Soldier #1:

General Sline, sir?

General Sline:

Yes, Sergeant?

Soldier #1:

It's a collect call from Pakistan, for Mr. Ruby. A Mr. Fitz-Hume.

Ruby:

What?

Austin Milbarge:

Ah, folks, uh, sorry, uh... We'll just be another minute. Thank you for your patience.

Soldier #1:

It's person-to-person, sir. Collect. They said their contacts tried to kill them, and they don't know what they should do.

Keyes:

And they told you this... over a public phone?

Soldier #1:

No sir. The AT&T operator told our operator.

________________________________________

Austin Millbarge:

They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick's not so dumb.

You know, I must really like you, because I don't like horses and I hate guns!

________________________________________

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

(catches a grenade)

Hey! What's this?

Austin Millbarge:

You don't want it!

Fitz-Hume stands up and casually throws the grenade back

________________________________________

Austin Millbarge:

(Faint music plays in the distance by the missile)

It's... "Soul Finger" by the Bar-Kays .

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

They must be havin' a hard time getting gigs.

________________________________________

Austin Millbarge:

For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro.

________________________________________

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

What's she saying?

Austin Millbarge:

H... hair... hairbrush... headrest...

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

Jesus, where did you learn your Russian? JCPenney?

________________________________________

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

What did she say?

Austin Millbarge:

She wants to know why we'd do such a thing.

Emmett Fitz-Hume:

Tell her so do we.

________________________________________

Keyes:

By your actions, sir, you are risking the future of the human race!

General Sline:

To guarantee the American way of life, I'm willing to take that risk.

________________________________________

General Sline:

When we commissioned the Schmectel Corporation to research this precise event sequence scenario, it was determined that the continual stockpiling and development of our nuclear arsenal was becoming self-defeating. A weapon unused is a useless weapon.