"Ever since I subscribed to your site the daily reminders are the only thing I read apart from email and the NY Times headlines and weather. I am hugely critical of most self-help information, but this is not what your site is. I save 1 in 2 of these and have kept a library folder. They are intelligent, concise, relevant and are pitched at exactly the right level." -Martin Chalk, CEO, Balance Water

Expert Network

Get help from our network of more than 300 experts on changes big and small, personal and professional.

Dr. Jackie Black on Improving Relationships

Perhaps you’ve heard Jackie Black, Ph.D., tackle controversial relationship topics on terrestrial radio, or maybe you’ve read about her in SELF magazine and other publications. Black—better known as Dr. Jackie among her clients—rose to fame as a relationship expert, educator and coach who offers private relationship coaching services for individuals, couples and families. Recently, her teachings have gone high-tech through her online radio show, blog, podcasts and TeleLearning Center program, which offers real-time classes and lectures via telephone. Her first book, Meeting Your Match: Cracking the Code to Successful Relationships, is due out in fall 2007. We asked her for her tips on the first 30 days of improving any relationship.

How did you become an expert on relationships?

I’m a psychologist and I was in private practice for many years, with bereavement, loss and life-threatening and chronic illness as my sub-specialties. In 1999, through a confluence of events, I became a coach and eventually shut down my therapy practice to coach full time. Relationships evolved to be the things that I wanted to focus on as a coach: At the end of the day, the most important things are our relationships, first with self, then with significant others, family, friends and colleagues.

If you wanted to improve your relationship with a spouse, boss or friend, what should you know?

The first thing I’d want to know is what’s working. Answer these questions: “What do you love about this relationship? How does this relationship affirm you? How you do feel being in the presence of this person? What do you want more of?” I love the idea of actively celebrating and deliberately drinking in and receiving the good things we have in our relationships.

Next, I would want to know what’s not working. You’re really going on an adventure when you explore what needs are not being met. Ask, “What do I want to improve? What needs to shift or change? What am I not getting or giving? Am I stopped, blocked or shut down in some area?” Relationships are like a mirror: When we explore what’s not working, we can begin to look within. Unless I know what I want to change, I can’t invite the other person in.

Is it possible to improve a relationship by yourself or do you need the other party?

Yes and no. If you and I were doing the foxtrot and I suddenly changed the step, we would still be dancing, but we would no longer be doing the foxtrot. Often, in the beginning of changing a relationship, one person comes into recognition and risks making changes first. Ultimately, in order to sustain a long-term, lasting relationship, we have to be doing the same steps. But, initially, one person can decide to begin the change.

What type of self-awareness do you need in order to improve your relationships?

You need to believe that you can. You need to believe that your feelings, thoughts and desires for the relationship are legitimate. We won’t ask for anything if we don’t believe that the things we want and need are legitimate.

How can people truly succeed during the first 30 days, not just “get through?”

You need a willingness to risk, to be self-disclosing and vulnerable and have a willingness to listen. “Elegant listening” is a critical relationship skill that very few people have. With elegant listening, we listen for three things: feelings, repair (or problem solving) and information. In relationships, it’s always helpful to let the listener know what we want. For example, “I really need you to listen for my feelings,” or “I want you to help me figure this out so I can solve this problem,” or “I want you to listen for information. And at the end I want you to hear and understand that I need you to go to the cleaners because I need my suit for an important meeting tomorrow.”

How do men and women listen differently?

Men need to understand specifically what is required from them. The only reason men don’t listen is because they don’t know how. I’d say 99.5% of men, no matter how old they are or where they live, know how to listen to repair only. Sometimes women don’t want men to fix situations, they just want to be heard in a particular way. If women talk about the three ways of listening and let men know which way we want them to listen, they can and will do it.

How do our past relationships affect the success of present and future relationships?

Every single person brings baggage into a relationship. There are two things we should ask about baggage: First, “How has past baggage formed your choices as an emotionally intelligent, alert, mindful adult in this relationship?” Second, “What are the lessons of the baggage?”

What surprising emotions might crop up during the first 30 days of improving any relationship?

Expect to be in pain. Expect to be frustrated. Expect to get angry, because when we change, we’re still learning, exploring and experimenting. Be willing to be a good observer of yourself and other people. In the first 30 days of any change, understand that you’re going to have “conscious incompetence.” That means you’ll know you’re not doing it well, but that’s okay because you’re learning. Most adults are uncomfortable with how conscious incompetence feels. Instead, you should expect it and embrace it. Don’t be surprised by it. Be respectful and patient with yourself.

SIGNATURE QUESTIONS

What is the belief you personally go to during times of change?

I believe the definition of self-esteem is that we can positively influence, impact and affect people and events. When we shift from powerlessness or the position of victim to a place of knowing and believing that we can positively influence, impact and effect people and events, our world changes forever. That power starts from change and that change starts from within me. It has nothing to do with the other person.

The best thing about change is…

…all of the possibilities.

What’s the best change you have ever made?

The best change I’ve ever worked through in my life was believing that I had rights and legitimate feelings. I finally realized I could do things to get my needs met and that I could take care of myself. I could ask, request and have influence.

I want to share my testimony with all of you. Lord Alika gave me the possibility to start a new and happy life with my husband again. me and my husband has been together for the past 1year before he left me for another woman, but i was not able to take it because i loved him so much not to loose him, so a friend of my introduced me to Lord Alika, so i contacted him for help and he assured me everything will be okay within 48hours. I am happy to tell everyone here that i was able to get my husband back within 48hours. Please if anyone need the help of this man just contact him via his email address, lordalikaspelltemple@yahoo.co.uk or Link call him +13217666393

I want to share my testimony with all of you. Lord Alika gave me the possibility to start a new and happy life with my husband again. me and my husband has been together for the past 1year before he left me for another woman, but i was not able to take it because i loved him so much not to loose him, so a friend of my introduced me to Lord Alika, so i contacted him for help and he assured me everything will be okay within 48hours. I am happy to tell everyone here that i was able to get my husband back within 48hours. Please if anyone need the help of this man just contact him via his email address, lordalikaspelltemple@yahoo.co.uk or Link call him +13217666393

After being in relationship with Thomas for 5 years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that don't believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I meant a spell caster called Dr Oni and I email him, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before 48 hours, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: dronispellhome@yahoo.com or call him +2348112671487 you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS'

My love life has changed for better since the interference of the most powerful spell caster on earth called Dr.Atase in my relationship, My testimony today is in regard of the help that Dr.Atase render me when my lover departed from me. My name is Anabel from USA and it gives me joy today in writing this testimony as a way of showing my appreciation to Dr.Atase and at the same time i am using this opportunity to advise those that are finding stress and pains in their relationship or marriages to contact Dr.Atase who is the best spell caster in the world through these contact details via email: indiaspelltemple@yahoo.com or his number +2348112796070.Because Dr.Atase is the only one that can restore your marriage or relationship with love. He can also help to win lottery spell,contract,sickness and more.

My name is veart(single). I was impressed when i saw your profile today at and i will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. In addition,i will like you to reply me through this my private e-mail box(veartwani@ymail.com)
Thanks
waiting to hear from you soon.
veart
I will send to you my pictures in my next mail through this my mail box

My name is veart(single). I was impressed when i saw your profile today at and i will like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. In addition,i will like you to reply me through this my private e-mail box(veartwani@ymail.com)
Thanks
waiting to hear from you soon.
veart
I will send to you my pictures in my next mail through this my mail box

"Ariane is a new voice who can inspire and inform all of us going through change, whether it be big or small, professional or personal. The First 30 Days will encourage people going through change to go from being fearful and alone to feeling optimistic and transformed."— David Bach, New York Times best-seller

"Since change is the only constant in life, it helps to have an expert navigate through the ups and downs of life. The First 30 Days is an excellent guide."— Deepak Chopra, New York Times best-seller

"Essential reading for anyone going through a change. I loved it!"— Wayne Dyer, New York Times best-seller