Wednesday, April 30, 2014

You’re planning your next vacation. Well, your only vacation
this year, which is a pretty big deal because you and your
girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse haven’t had one in, oh, let’s see - quite a while.
It should be a delightful discussion, after all, you’re talking about something
you both want and are up for.

The conversation goes roughly like this:

“Let’s go
to the beach.”

“We always
go to the beach. I want to go fishing in the mountains.”

“What do
you mean, we always go to the beach? And anyway, you had a fishing trip
already.”

“Well that
was just for a weekend - this is different!”

Instead of a pleasant discussion, you end up feeling
defensive, put upon, dissed, and you know what’s coming . . . a fight.

Why? You’re both grown-ups here. What happened?

You felt attacked. Your ‘beach’ idea was shot down. You
retaliated, whereupon your partner got defensive, and so on. And on. All very
understandable knee-jerk reactions, however, nothing that will lead to what you
really want - a solution. More than that, a mutually agreeable solution.

When I started classes in improv acting, I was surprised to
discover the first rule of improv theatre is “Yes, and.” No matter how
outlandish the situation your fellow improv actor presents on stage, your
response has to be “Yes, and.” “Yes, puppies do grow on Mars and we should
think about starting a Martian kennel. How’s that spaceship coming along?”
Refusing a partner’s offer is known as “blocking:” “That’s ridiculous, anyone
knows there’s no life on Mars, certainly nothing like puppies.” The scene stops
right there, because it has nowhere to go.

Your partner says “beach.” You block with “We always go to
the beach.” And the conversation promptly goes downhill. Instead, practice
“yes, and.” “Yes, we do go to the beach often, and I think a change of pace
would be fun. How about maybe trying out some mountains-and-fishing this time?”

Your partner may come back with “Well I don’t know - beach
is really my preference.” You continue with “Yes, beaches are great; what if we
found a lake with a beach area and a fishing area.” Or whatever other creative
solution you come up with.

In other words, you’re now into problem-solving, being
creative together to find something that pleases both of you. You can’t do that
when you’re busy protecting your own territory.

“Yes, and” - whether you actually use those words, or just
the spirit of them, is a great way to both honor yourself, and your partner’s
preferences.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

One of my dogs, Kobe, has epilepsy. It’s very well
controlled with--of all things--Chinese herbs, but when there’s a major
stressor, Kobe may be wracked with seizures. In his world, mercifully, there
are few major stressors, but one of them is--thunder.

We had a major storm in California last month, with a
thunderclap in the middle of one afternoon that sounded literally like the sky
was falling (no Chicken Little version, this!), crashing down on our very
heads.

I rushed over to Kobe and held him, which is about all I can
do when he seizes, as my poor puppy trembled all over.

My mind immediately started whirring: “What if he has a
major seizure? What if this doesn’t stop at trembles and shakes, what if it’s a
big one, and he’s collapsed on the floor, bucking and heaving? He’s 15 now, he
hasn’t had a major seizure in years, what if his heart can’t handle it?” And on
and on, until I was in almost as bad shape as Kobe.

Then I thought: “What are you doing?” My dog was still trembling
and shivering, nothing more, yet I was readying for disaster.

Which is exactly what we do. We rehearse for disaster. We
take an event, and rather than address what’s actually going on, we let our
thoughts tornado through our mind, dragging us into the land of crisis or
despair.

And the worst of it is, that repetition of thought is what
determines how your brain changes and grows. Science these days is teaching us
all about “neuroplasticity,”
which simply stated, is how the very structure of your brain changes with what
you repeatedly think.That how your
brain functions then also changes depending on what you think habitually.

If you stay in disaster mode, in “problem” mode, then your
brain gets better and better at thinking in that mode, when what we really
need, is to be getting better and better at the “solution” mode.

Your thoughts are like the reps you perform to keep your
muscles in shape: whatever reps you do, that’s what muscles will grow.

I stopped my disaster thinking. I shifted into “solution”
mode. I reminded myself that Kobe hadn’t had a major seizure in years, that he
was a healthy dog despite his age. I reminded myself that I know good vets,
that treatments are constantly evolving, that I would always see to it that my
beloved pet would get the care he needed. I held him reminding myself that
there was nothing more I could do for him in that moment, other than let him
feel safe, supported and loved.

It was enough. The trembling eased, all was well. Not just
with Kobe, but with myself, as I deliberately reached to grow my brain the way
I want it to grow--solution and optimism oriented.

Don’t let your thoughts mindlessly drag you where you don’t
want to go. Practice the thoughts that will take you where you do want to go. Choose your thought reps
wisely!

About Me

I'm a psychologist, consultant and speaker who has authored over a dozen books, all of which focus on empowering individuals to be happier, healthier and more successful at work, at home and in relationships. The power of appreciation is the theme that runs through all my books, the latest being "Happy Healthy...Dead: Happy Healthy…Dead: Why What You Think You Know About Aging Is Wrong and How To Get It Right.” If you'd like to know more, please visit www.noellenelson.com!
Thank you.