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Saturday, February 4, 2017

“Getting a Head in Life” by By Duane Wiggins

“My brain
is just not working!” the words were exclaimed by Doctor Victor Frankenstein to
his employee, Igor. Both were hovering over a lifeless, stitched together
mosaic of various deceased humans. This was the third brain used in the
doctor’s experiment to reanimate a lifeless body. “Igor, in order to reach
scientific history I require another brain. This time get me a brain of a
higher quality, do not fail me again. I have checked my charts and there is
another electrical storm due to arrive tonight."

Doctor Frankenstein loved his
charts, each morning he would frequently create, ponder and boast loudly over
them. Meanwhile Igor would try to peacefully enjoy one of his few luxuries, a
cup of hot Irish tea. A rare bonus would be the accompaniment of a fresh scone
with cream. This would only be after the good doctor had his fill or too
consumed by his work to notice the food left for him.

Igor
bowed and responded: “My master, I will scour the neighbouring villages and
fetch you a brain as fresh as the grapes on your dinner table. Please allow me to undertake this mission at
once!” He immediately made a mental to note to pick some grapes from the
vineyard and place them on the dinner table before leaving.

The
project to successfully restore life to the lifeless was an obsession to the
doctor but after four years, this was just another day on the job to Igor. It had
been a rainy day when the two met; the axle had snapped on Dr. Frankenstein’s
horse drawn carriage and he brought it into the local smithy, Gustav’s
Blacksmith Emporium where Igor was employed as lead apprentice. Back then, Igor
endeavored to provide a great customer experience even when most customers did
not want to experience him. A limp, a back hunch and oversized eyes were
considered unsightly to the clientele, even by blacksmith standards.

Upon
inspection, Igor pointed out to Dr. Frankenstein that the wagon was loaded
beyond its designed structural capacity and provided the customer with two
recommended solutions:

2.Removing the recently
exhumed corpses from the coffins before loading, preferably in an enclosed
carriage compartment. In addition to being a more frugal choice, it would reduce
speculation from passers-by and would provide less back strain when
loading/unloading.

Impressed
with the display of problem-solving skills and commitment to client
confidentiality, an immediate job offering was made. Igor accepted the position with the
understanding that it payed less but carried then rare benefit of health
coverage. Victor Frankenstein was a doctor after all.

However
after four years, Igor was now strategizing for his next job opportunity. While
riding the company carriage towards the neighbouring village, his thoughts
drifted and dreamt of new ventures until they were pulled back to the tasks at
hand. The procurement process in selecting the previously-loved brains was
being thoughtfully evaluated. Lessons learned in prior deliverables were being
mentally reviewed:

Brain
#1: Preserved in formaldehyde, purchased
from a failed medical student and likely stolen. The brain’s condition was found
to be compromised by the chemicals and therefore unfit. In the following two weeks,
the lab was filled with the pungent odour. This brain was later fed to rats for
pest control purposes.Brain
#2: As a stroke of luck, a road rage
incident between two peasants was witnessed by Igor. One of the peasants
received a fatal blow by the other, killing him instantly. In addition to
receiving a fresh cadaver, the surviving peasant gave Igor a chicken in
appreciation of disposing of evidence. Unfortunately the brain was damaged from
the altercation and also deemed unfit. The chicken was delicious.Brain
#3: Liberated from a recently buried
grave. The specimen was considered to be in perfect condition but was
speculated to be dead too long. A case of a stale brain.

Now
on the hunt for Brain #4, Igor wondered on how to deliver to his master a brain
of near-new condition. Before departing from the castle, Doctor Frankenstein directed
to adopt more nefarious procurement methods. Igor respectfully declined this employer
request. “Master, abduction and/or murder is not listed in my job description.
To add such duties would require a promotion to a higher pay band that I
presently hold,” He explained.

Their
eyes locked in a moment of tension, then Dr. Frankenstein sighed. “Very well, proceed
under current parameters. Your performance review is coming up, I invite you to
remember that,” He warned.

Igor’s retrospection of the conversation was
interrupted when saw the building of his former employer: Gustav’s Blacksmith
Emporium and decided to pull off the road for a visit.

“Hello
boys, what’s stoking in the fire?” Igor cheerfully asked of his former
co-workers. He took pride that he’d been able to leave his position in good
standing. Looking around, he concluded that little has changed, tools and
supplies were still recklessly scattered about. Igor recalled that this had
been reported when he was an employee and also leader of the workplace health
and safety team. Gustav, owner of Gustav’s Blacksmith Emporium obviously had
not taken corrective actions.

“Igor,
my friend, greetings and salutations!” Gustav said and welcomed Igor with a
hearty handshake that only a seasoned blacksmith could give. “Great news,
Gustav’s Blacksmith Emporium has received a bulk order from the Village of
Cornerbrook. The farmers there are revolting and have contracted us to convert
their plowshares into swords. I now have good Otto working overtime to meet
demand. Here, let me show you an example of the finished product.”With
great pride, Gustav grabbed one of the still warm swords, and strutted back towards
Igor. He then tripped over a carelessly placed bar wedge, used for making horseshoes.
Gustav fumbled and failed to recover his balance and fell on the sword of his
own craftsmanship. Impaled, the owner of Gustav’s Blacksmith Emporium, weakly
pleaded; “Igor, my friend. You were right all along; workplace safety should
have been first. Please help me, I’ll do anything.”

“Have
no fear Gustav, for I know a doctor,” Igor replied as his friend fell into an
unconscious state. Otto assisted in gently loading Gustav into the carriage.
Instructions were provided by Igor to Otto to immediately halt all production
until the shop was cleaned and organized to prevent a repeat of the incident.
Igor of Igor’s Blacksmith Emporium returned to the castle of Doctor Frankenstein
with haste. Little optimism was given in regards to the condition of his
friend’s health. Some compensation would be found in using Gustav’s soon to be
deceased body, most importantly his brain, would be used for the benefit of
scientific discovery. Gustav would have wanted it this way; or at least he was
in no condition to debate the notion. A
grin widened on Igor’s face as he pondered how one person’s failure can lead to
the success of others.

Epilogue
1:

Two
years later, Igor (of Igor’s Blacksmith Emporium) authored and released the novel:
Servant and Master: A Henchman’s Career Development Guide. It attained
bestsellers status in Latveria and Kazakhstan.

Epilogue
2:

Ten
years later, Doctor Victor Frankenstein also authored: He’s a
Monster: Confessions of a Single Father, with a forward by Captain Robert
Walton. Never released but later re-adapted by Mary Shelley with moderate
success.

Duane Wiggins (aka Wiggy to some) began writing as an adolescent but has been told
his printing is easier to read. The bulk of his work consisted of reports,
carefully written emails to avoid getting fired, and more recently resumes and
cover letters (guess he was not careful enough). Imaginative contributions
included writer and artist on Weapons
Willy (Pull My Finger Comics) in 2000 and Return of the Sidekick (Battle Royale) in 2002. Duane currently lives
in Mississauga, Ontario, with his wife, two brilliant goldfish, two stupid cats
and a pile of comic books.

Brian Henry has been a book editor, writer, and creative writing instructor for more than 25 years. He teaches creative writing at Ryerson University. He also leads weekly creative writing courses in Burlington, Mississauga, Oakville and Georgetown and conducts Saturday workshops throughout Ontario. His proudest boast is that he has helped many of his students get published.