Friday, November 25, 2011

(Fri.) Harper Is So Fucking Cool

How cool? Well lemme tell you just how fucking' cool... Harper is so fucking cool that when she's not answering my sophisticated trivia questions here on GGDF, partying with Pantera, giving thoughtful and practical house warming gifts, kicking black bear ass, saving dogs, saving bats or dropping tweeker illegal alien burglars like a bad habit, she's saving 8-year-old boys from being shredded apart by Grizzlies in Montana's Glacier National Park. That is not only so fucking cool, but it is beyond the epitome of a badass! The Spokesman-Review had a nice lengthy write-up I came across earlier on this incredible story of bravery, heroism and epic fucking coolness which you can read here.

Correction Rich. They were high profile this year until they met their match and got a good old fashioned ass whoopin' Harper-style.

A lingering winter and late berry crop kept bears in proximity to humans longer than normal, perhaps contributing to a stream of headlines about grizzlies killing people and people killing grizzlies. Meanwhile, a young lady on a big horse charged out of the pack of grizzly stories near Glacier National Park.

In a cloud of dust, the 25-year-old wrangler likely saved a boy’s life while demonstrating that skill, quick-thinking and guts sometimes are the best weapons against a head-on charging grizzley.

Yup, that's Harper for ya. Skilled, quick-thinking and sheer confidence all wrapped up in a package that can only be described as a lethal weapon of mass destruction if push comes to shove. And on this particular day, that pushin' came to shovin' as the grizzley would find to be a big mistake on his part.

On July 30, Harper, a volunteer of Swan Mountain Outfitters was guiding eight clients on a horse ride on the Flathead National Forest between West Glacier and Hungry Horse, Montana. The group included a family of six plus a vacationing northern Mexifornia man, who’d booked the trip for his 8-year-old son’s first horse-riding experience. The young boy was riding Scout, a steady obedient mount, following directly behind Harper, who was leading the group on Tonk, a burly 10-year-old white horse of questionable lineage.

First of all, if you have capability of getting on anything named Tonk, and the guts, you're fucking cool right off the bat. And of course, leading the group adds to the coolness as well. The fact that Tonk is a burley 10-year old of questionable lineage adds so many points to the cool-factor that it's off the charts. So. Fucking. Cool.

“He’s a very large horse – 18 hands high," Harper said. "That intimidates a lot of riders. But I’ve always loved big horses. He’s kind of high-strung and spooky, the largest of our wrangling horses. I like a horse with a lot of spirit, and I was really glad to be on him that day. We go over a lot of wildlife scenarios in our training, and we learn to watch our horses for signals of possible trouble so we can steer clear. That’s the key. Avoid trouble with a moose or a bear," she said.

18 hands high? Holy shit that's a lot of hands! I'm not even cool enough to know what the hell that means, but that is fucking cool because a lot of riders are intimidated by it. Not Harper. No siree. She's so fucking cool that she is in constant communication and on the same sheet of music as Tonk, and a sound is never heard.

“It was a pleasant ride until we came around a corner on the trail and my horse stopped firm and wouldn’t move,” Harper said. “He never refuses to go, so that caught my attention quick.”

But not fast enough to avoid the spike white-tailed deer that burst out of the brush and glanced off Tonk’s left front shoulder. As Tonk spun from the impact, Harper saw a huge grizzly bear crashing through the forest right at the group in pursuit of the deer. Horses panicked and guests grabbed saddle horns for the ride of their lives. Many of the guests even soiled themselves like a liberal at a gun show does. Seven of the horses sensed the danger, scrambled around and galloped back on the trail toward the barn.

But Scout bolted perpendicular to the trail into the timber packing the 8-year-old boy.

“The deer peeled off and joined the horses sprinting down the trail,” Harper said. “So the bear just continued running right past me. I’m not sure the bear even knew the roles had changed, but now it was chasing a horse instead of a deer.”

The grizzly was zeroed in on Scout and the boy – the isolated prey in the woods.With the bear on Scout’s heels, Tonk’s instinct was to flee with the group of horses. But Tonk responded to Harper's heels in his ribs as she spun the big fella around. They wheeled out of a 360 and bolted into the trees to wedge between the predator and the prey.

“The boy was bent over, feet out of the stirrups, clutching the saddle horn and the horse’s neck,” she said. “That kept him from hitting a tree limb. But all I could think about was the boy falling off in the path of that grizzly. I bent down, screamed and yelled, but the bear was growling and snarling and staying very focused on Scout," she continued. “As it tried to circle back toward Scout, I realized I had to get Tonk to square off and face the bear. We had to get the bear to acknowledge us. We did. We got its attention – and the bear charged.

“So I charged at the bear.”

Fuckin' A! She did what?? That's right! She charged at the bear! Can you believe this shit? I'm speechless. Even Grizzley fucking Adams wouldn't have the cajones to pull off a wicked move like that. Holy shitballs!

“I had no hesitation, honestly,” Harper said. “Nothing in my body was going to let that little boy get hurt by that bear. That wasn’t an option.”

With a ton of horse, boulder-size hooves and a fire-breathing blonde thundering at it, the bear came within about 10 feet before skittering off to the side. But it quickly angled to make yet another stab at getting to Scout and the boy – who had just fallen to the ground.

“Tonk and I had to go at the bear a third time before we finally hazed him away,” she said. “The boy had landed in some beargrass and was OK. Scout was standing nearby.”“The boy was in shock,” she said. “I looked back and could see the bear had continued to go away through he woods, but I had another five or 10 minutes of riding before I got back with the group.”

The entire time this terrifying ordeal was going down, Harper was only thinking about the safety of the group before even once considering her own safety. That level of selflessness has the Epically Cool needle pegged, and if you disagree you can just blow me!

“Some of the horses I’ve ridden would have absolutely refused to do what Tonk did; others would have thrown me off in the process. Some horses can never overcome their flight-animal instinct to run away,” Harper said.In those minutes of crisis, the big lug of mongrel mount proved his mettle in a test few trail horses will face in their careers. Tonk’s grit moved Harper. She wasn’t about to send him back to Wyoming with the other leased horses.

“Two weeks ago, I closed the deal and bought him,” Harper said as she was wrapping up her 2011 wrangling season.

“After what he did that day, he had to be mine.”

I can't imagine someone arguing against the fact that Harper is by far the coolest ever, but if there's someone that disputes the epic fucking coolest that encompasses Harper, they have a lot more problems than what's just on the surface. Those problems run deeper than a liberal politician's pockets when it comes to taxing the working and producing folks to pay for the leeches and dregs of society. And as most of you know, that's fucking deep!

Stay cool Harper! Thanks for being a good sport about my week long struggle and my weak attempt to be at least somewhat funny and/or entertaining.

FOD

FOD is the brainchild of Paul, who hates Mondays almost as much as he hates the Cooncracker. You don't have to fly the one fingered salute. But it helps. Send your picture to gravdigr@cebridge.net Put FOD in the subject line.

Drunken Fools

Pure Genius

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.~W.C. Fields

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.~Benjamin Franklin

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.~Hunter S. Thompson

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, That's as good as they're going to feel all day.~Frank Sinatra

Here's to a long life and a merry oneA quick death and an easy oneA pretty girl and an honest oneA cold beer and another one!~Author Unknown

Once during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.~W.C. Fields

Well ya see, Norm, it's like this.... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

~Cliff Clavin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

~ Dave Barry

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

~Henny Youngman

Our Lager which art in barrelsSwallowed be thy drinkAt home, as it is in the tavernForgive our spillagesAs we forgive those who spill against usLead us not into incarcerationBut deliver us from hangoverFor thine is the beer, the bitter and the barley.Barmen~The Beer's Prayer

Alcohol May Be Man's Worst Enemy

But The Bible Says Love Your Enemy

~ Frank Sinatra

That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink…If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen. - Charles Bukowski

The liver is evil and must be punished. - Author Unknown

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. -Homer Simpson

Write drunk; edit sober. - Ernest Hemingway

I take every day one beer at a time, one beer every sip at a time. - Dennis Leary