Episode begins in the living room. Brad is looking
at a book, Mark is watching TV and Marty is at the kitchen counter writing a
check. Tim enters from the garage.

Tim:

What a day! Binford's executive
schlock-meister, Morgan Wandell, wants me to do a whole "Tool Time" just
talking. No tools, no projects, no hands-on anything! Isn't that
insane?

Marty:

How many P's in deposit?

Tim:

Two!

Marty:

I was right. [Marty removes the check from
his checkbook]

Tim:

Alright, now more about me, this--

Marty:

--no sorry man, I can't. I'm in a hurry.
I've gotta go put a security deposit down on my new apartment. [Marty
leaves]

Tim:

Brad, listen to this--

Brad:

--actually Dad, could you talk to me about it
later? I have a five o'clock hair appointment and Pablo. He gets all weird when
I'm late.

Tim:

Pablo? He's more important than your
dad?

Brad:

Dad, he cuts my hair. [Brad leaves]

Tim:

Hey Mark, you've gotta listen to
this.

Mark:

Sure. As soon as I'm done watching this
show.

Tim:

You're watching "Cooking with the Ragin'
Cajun"?

Mark:

Dad, it's gumbo week! [Jill enters through
the front door]

Jill:

Hi, how was your day honey?

Tim:

Terrible, terrrible. [The phone
rings]

Jill:

Why? What happened? [Jill puts her bags
down]

Tim:

Sit down and I'll tell you. [The phone is
still ringing] Morgan Wandell now has taken complete control of the show,
right. [Jill sits down at the table. Mark answers the phone] I'm used to things
being my way. I'm not gonna take orders from a cheesy young punk who thinks he
knows production. [Mark comes over with the phone]

Mark:

Hey Mom.

Tim:

We're talking.

Mark:

It's Professor Hanover's office. [Mark hands
Jill the phone]

Tim:

We're talking.

Jill:

Doctor Hanover? [Mark nods] Wait, just hold
that thought. [Jill takes the phone] I, I just have to take this call. [Tim
sits and and moans with frustration. Mark leaves] Hello? Yeah, yeah, um, [Jill
goes over to her bag and gets out her diary] yeah, I can have a meeting with Doctor
Hanover Thurdsay, two o'clock. [Tim start throwing an apple from side-to-side]
Can you tell me what this meeting is about? [Jill writes the meeting down in
her diary] Well, I guess I'll just have to find out when I get there, O.K? [Tim
starts throwing the apple into the air] Alright, thanks. Bye. [Jill hangs up
the phone. Tim comes over to her]

Tim:

Howdy.

Jill:

Doctor Hanover wants to have a meeting with
me.

Tim:

That's great. Anyway, this guy--

Jill:

--no it's not great. I mean, maybe he re-read
my thesis and--

Tim:

--honey--

Jill:

--he's having second thoughts.

Tim:

Honey. Please.

Jill:

Maybe he found a reference that's
out-dated.

Tim:

Could you--

Jill:

--y'know that can happen.

Tim:

Just hold on a second. Just let me tell you
this.

Jill:

Maybe he thinks that my conclusions are just,
y'know, inconclusive. Oh God! [Tim bangs his head against the stair banister in
fustration] This could be terrible for my whole career. [Jill takes a deep
breath] I just have to calm down. Calm down. I'm gonna go take a hot bath.
[Jill goes upstairs]

Tim:

Thanks for listening. I'm gonna go stick my
head in the microwave. With my mouth open so it doesn't explode.

[Opening credits]

Cut to "Tool Time" studio, backstage.

[Al comes running in. Tim is sitting at his dressing table,
with Heidi standing next to him. Al starts unbuttoning his shirt]

Al:

Sorry I'm late. I was packing up Mother's
house.

Tim:

That must have been hard for you Al.

Al:

Well, I got through it O.K. [Al takes off his
shirt] But then Trudy came over and we were going over the, the guest list [Al
takes an identical shirt out of his locker and puts it on] for the, the wedding
and, and, and I-I got this panic attack. I think I'm going through pre-marital
stress.

Tim:

Ah. P.M.S!

Al:

I just, y'know, I need to get through the next
two days. Come Monday, I'll be on my honeymoon, lying on the beach with Trudy,
slathering zinc oxide all over my body.

Tim:

Boy, thanks for that image. [Tim screws up his
face at the thought. Morgan comes over to them]

Morgan:

Hey guys. Excited about my big idea for
today's show?

Tim:

How can we be excited about a show where we
just talk, Morgan?

Morgan:

No, no, it's not just talk; it's Tim-talk.
And when Tim talks, people listen. [Morgan leaves to get ready for recording the
show]

Tim:

Don't kiss up to me. That job is reserved for
Borland.

Al:

Yeah, you're gonna have stand in line,
pal!

Cut to the "Tool Time" set.

[Heidi runs in and announces the show]

Heidi:

Does everybody know what time it
is?

Audience:

"Tool Time!"

Heidi:

That's right. Binford Tools is proud to
present Tim "The Binford Toolman" Taylor! [Heidi & the audience cheer. Tim & Al
enter the set. There are three stools on the set]

Well, y'know, you, you may not like the show
today. We're doing something a bit different. There's no project, we're not
gonna build anything, we're just going to talk. If you have any complaints
about that, you might want to email Morgan Wandell at big-fat-zero-dot-com.
[Morgan is watching on a TV monitor, and looks around concerned]

Al:

Er, today's show is called "Home Repair
Addicts." Men who can't keep their hands off their tools.

Tim:

Apparently we've got three good buddies who
are accused of having a tool addiction that they cannot kick. So I guess Heidi,
it's time to bring out our tool addicts, please.

Please, make yourselves comfortable. [Robbie,
Dan & Butch sit down on the stools]

Robbie, Dan & Butch:

Thank you.

Tim:

Well gentlemen, I've gotta be honest with you.
I don't see anything wrong with men that like to build things, so I'd like to
know what the problem is. [The guys look at each other]

Robbie, Dan & Butch:

My wife! [Tim
laughs]

Tim:

Been there. You'd better hope she's not watching
the show today, huh?

Dan:

Actually they're in the audience.

Tim:

Huh? [The wives wave from the audience] Oh,
this could get interesting.

Al:

Now Robbie, why don't you tell us what happens
to your house when you open your toolbox.

Robbie:

First I might fix the hinge on a
window.

Al:

Hm-hmm.

Robbie:

Then, if the mood strikes me, I might
replace the dry wall next to it.

Al:

Hmm.

Robbie:

Then, as long as I'm replacing the dry
wall, I might as well add on a family room.

Tim:

That sounds sensible to me.

Noreen:

Sensible?! We have six family rooms and no
family.

Tim:

Well, I guess it's time to get busy! Dan,
what's your problem.

Dan:

Er, I like to paint, but I don't have an
addiction; I can stop any time I want.

Dolly:

Oh yeah? Then how come our front lawn's now
blue?

Dan:

It's teal.

Al:

Butch, why don't you tell us all what you're in
to.

Butch:

[Tim puts his hand on Butch's shoulder] Lubrication.
[Tim takes his hand away and checks it for oil] I believe a good home is a
quiet home. No squeaks, creaks or hums. So I always keep a can or two of oil on
hand.

Sue:

[Sue stands up] Ha! Can or two, he oiled everthing we own.
He's like the [Bleep] tinman!

[Sue leaves her seat and walks towards the
set] And don't stick up your crappy repairs, and I'm sick of you.

Heidi:

You know, ma'am.

Sue:

Oh pipe down, bones. [Sue pushes Heidi back
into the audience]

Tim:

[Butch is standing up] Hey, hey, hey, hey,
now just come, calm down, calm down. It's a television show. C'mon, if you go
back to your seat you'll get that nylon fanny-pack.

Butch:

She doesn't need one. She's already packing
plenty of fanny.

Al:

Now that's not helping matters, sir. If we
could just--

Sue:

--er, well I've got news for you. [Sue walks
behind Dan] My fanny's good enough for the Dutch boy. [Sue puts her hands on
Dan's shoulders] He and I have been [Bleep bleep bleep bleep] brains out for
the last six months! [Sue kisses Dan on the cheek]

Dolly:

What! [Dolly runs down to the set, pushing
Heidi back into the audience to get past. Sue & Dolly start fighting and
pulling each other's hair]

Al:

That, that's not very lady-like. [Sue & Dolly
continue fighting. Sue pulls off Dolly's hair, which turns out to be a wig. The
audience start cheering. Tim & All try to separate them, and chaos breaks out
on the set]

Heidi:

Somebody call security!

Tim:

We'll be right back after these mess-- [Tim
gets kicked in the face. A Binford tools card blocks out the scene]

Cut to the "Tool Time" studio, backstage after the
show.

[Morgan comes running over to Tim, Al & Heidi]

Morgan:

Awesome show, guys.

Tim:

What do you mean "awesome show"? I almost got
killed out there.

Morgan:

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry about that. Those gals
were only supposed to threaten their husbands.

Heidi:

They were supposed to? [Tim holds an icepack
to his jaw]

Al:

Are you saying that this, this show was
staged?

Morgan:

Yeah, yeah. Looked so real, didn't it? Oh
God, I'm good.

Tim:

Morgan, you've made a mockery of everything
Channel 112 stands for. We're not doing any more shows like this.

Al:

Yeah.

Morgan:

No. No, no, of course not. We want to stay
fresh. Gotta keep the audience guessing. Eventually we'll do some more of that
building crap you like. [Morgan starts to leave. Tim gets up and follows
him]

Tim:

Building crap? Hold on a second. [Morgan & Tim
walk onto the set, followed by Al & Heidi. Two crew members are pulling an
unconscious man off the set] That building crap, that building crap is what
"Tool Time" has been about for the last ten years.

Morgan:

Alright, well now it's about ratings. And
if you're now comfortable with that we can go another way.

Tim:

What's that supposed to mean?

Morgan:

W-well, it means that we can find a host
that's on the same page that we are.

Let's see. He left, you didn't know about
it, I guess he would leave without telling you.

Tim:

Well as far as supervising "Tool Time" is
concerned, who's above you now?

Morgan:

God...

Tim:

Well look, if you're gonna turn this show into
a three ring circus, I might just quit.

Morgan:

Sorry to lose you. You were a good man.
[Morgan leaves. Tim, Al & Heidi are left speechless]

[Commercial break]

Cut to the kitchen.

[Tim enters from the garage. Jill is about to leave for her
meeting with Dr. Hanover]

Tim:

Jill, we've got to talk.

Jill:

No honey, I can't. I've gotta go to this
meeting with Dr. Hanover.

Tim:

This is very important, honey.

Jill:

Well O.K., so what is it? Like Morgan, he
wants you do to another cheesy "Tool Time" and you don't want to do it,
right?

Tim:

No, he wants all "Tool Time's" to be cheesy.
That's why tomorrow's my last show cuz I quit.

Jill:

You quit? You quit the show?

Tim:

He pushed me too far. Today's show was one of
those shock TV shows like Jerry Springer. Tomorrow he wants me to start an
electrical fire! I intentionally start fires, I lose all credibility.

Jill:

Well, I think, why don't you just talk to
Bud?

Tim:

Bud left the company. Put Morgan in charge,
he's completely insane. Al and Heidi quit right after I did.

Jill:

Oh my God... Then this is for real.

Tim:

Darn right it's for real. We figure we owe it
to our fans to do one more show. But after tomorrow's show, I'm done.

Jill:

I am so sorry. Are you O.K?

Tim:

No I'm not O.K. It's ten years of my life; I
loved that show. I just hope I can land on my feet.

Jill:

What are we gonna do for money?

Tim:

We've got some in savings.

Jill:

Yeah.

Tim:

I can put in more time at the hardware
store.

Jill:

That's a way to spend money.

Tim:

I'll buy a garage and start a classic car
shop.

Jill:

You can't start a business from scratch.
There's gonna be experts out there that have been doing it for years. It could
take forever to turn a profit, or, y'know, you could just be a complete failure
right out of the box.

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