Our intrepid music reviewers Emperor Caligula (aka Brett Allender) and Peaches Stiletto have been conspicuous by their absence for quite a while now; however all good things must come to an end … including your nice long respite from having to groan so much at their bad puns and mouldy old jokes. The Emperor has actually been out on work experience plaice-ment at Dr Garden's Fish Farm, though he was only there for the halibut as Graybags was too much of a cheap-skate to pay him any-fin. He not only found it ruddy murder trying to stamp the little lions on the fish eggs, but also got in trouble for throwing the very last cod in Britain (the bass one that Graeme ever had-dock too!) at the fleeing Eskimos, even though he didn't do it on porpoise. His punishment was getting kicked in the ice-hole (ouch!) and then having to paddle around the lake with Brian the cut-up camp cod in hot pursuit until the Max Bygraves album in Brian's stomach finally stopped whaling away and reached the end of the first side, which explains why you haven't heard from him for many, many months now.

While he was floundering away at the fish farm, Peaches has also been busy rediscovering the Lost Island of Munga, attending Highbrow Hall School for brainy brats, exploring the jungle of the Orinoco in search of Professor Nuts, singing "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" in the giant's lair, flogging off Razz washing powder in the 2-for-1 swap deal, saddling up for the fox hunt at Tally Ho Towers, uncovering more Nanny skeletons at Cecily's house and issuing patriotic proclamations to the tune of "Land Of Hope And Glory". Footage from her adventures is soon to be screened in a two-part doco titled "The Peaches Beaches Teachers Leeches Creatures Bleaches Breeches Screeches Speeches Features!"

So now that the old Groan-o-meter is shooting up the scale nicely once again, let's max it out even further by crossing over to our disoriented DJs for their review of "Show Me The Way" by The Goodies.

WHERE? WHEN?

"Show Me The Way" can be heard on the 1970's LP "The Goodies Sing Songs From The Goodies" and in Episode 1/2 "Snooze"

WHAT?

Lyrics: sung by Bill

I don’t know where I'm going, I've got my eyes closed

I don't know what I'm doing, I can't see

I don't know where I'm going but it's far away

Please ... help ... me

[chorus]

Show me the way, show me the way

Somebody show me the way

I'm lonely and I'm lost and I long to go home

Somebody show me the way

I've got to keep on walking 'til I get there

And I don't know how long the road will be

I try to help my fellow man as I go by

Please ... help ... me

[repeat chorus]

[Instrumental break]

[Repeat first verse]

[repeat chorus]

(Show me, show me, show me, show me the way) Show me the way

(Show me, show me, show me, show me the way) Show me the way

[Repeats, then fades]

WHY?

(Peaches Stiletto):

Don’t even consider taking a snooze (even if you’ve swallowed a draught of Snooze) during this music review, Goodies fans! While most would agree that their memories of Bill Oddie’s musical contributions to the Goodies episodes immediately recall light-hearted, bouncy tunes filled with deliciously groan-filled puns and body-controlling melodies guaranteed to make you “Bounce for Britain” or “Shake Yer Bum,” a subtle, sullen and melodic little bit of blues like this tune really shouldn’t be so easily dismissed. While one might associate this number best with the sleepwalking episode of the series (and indeed the laid-back tone and tempo of the song rather fits somnambulism better than, say, Spacehopper might) it’s a nifty little bit of spiritual redemption-seeking in its own right. Indeed, one can interpret the lyrics any number of ways to fit one’s own perception of what “way” has been lost and where exactly the singer is wishing to go. If you have the chance to listen to the song on its own (without the sound of double-decker busses and herds of cows in the background) you may be surprised to find its haunting melody and heartfelt lyrics tugging at your soul, trying its best to, in fact, show you the way . . . to gaining an even deeper respect for the music of Mr. Bill Oddie (although these days he would probably admit that birdwatching with your eyes closed and without knowing where you’re going would be rather difficult.)

(Emperor Caligula):

It says a lot about the flexibility and the varying styles of humour in The Goodies that "Show Me The Way" was able to be used so effectively as a backing track in the show. A rare straight song by Bill, it is sung with real feeling and the high-pitched choral backing gives it a very "sleepy, soporific late night" lullaby-type feel, just like the bedtime drink that the Goodies name "Snooze" after toying with alternatives such as "Epilogue" and "Rolf Harris"! While it would have been totally out of place backing one of the Goodies more manic chase scenes, it forms the perfect soothing straight backdrop for Bill's hilarious epic sleepwalk onto a painting scaffold, on the roof of a double decker bus, across the bed of a river and through an exploding minefield among other places while still snoring peacefully away.

Any trust in Bill to "show you the way" when lonely and lost would probably be misplaced however, as he is more likely to take you on a journey forth to t'Mystic East (and a Mao-like Black Pudding Rebellion) or he and Tim might suddenly display long pointed ears, prominent teeth and a cotton tail, and take you to their mighty leader Big Bunny (who will strap you to the couch and stick carrots in your ears if he's feeling kinky enough!) Speaking of kinky, you can always count on the theory that all roads lead to Rome if you're lost somewhere, but just remember to take some fruit with you to satisfy the Roman Emperor (Pears with "soft sensuous bulbous botties and squishy juice" are a sure-fire winner!). If you're "all at sea", keep an eye out for Stavros Monopolopolopolous the oil tycoon, but make sure you can hit that last note to prove that you're a real sailor, while if your potential guide tells you "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" then the road ahead is bound to be a lot of fun and you don't even have to be able to hit any musical notes at all to be the next Jeremy Hardy!

HOW!

Using the Black Pudding Ratings System:

(Peaches Stiletto)

(Emperor Caligula)

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