breaking up – Erin Pavlinahttp://www.erinpavlina.com
Come with questions. Leave with peace of mind.Tue, 12 Dec 2017 11:00:14 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.8.4What To Do When Your Paths Divergehttp://www.erinpavlina.com/blog/2011/08/what-to-do-when-your-paths-diverge/
Fri, 26 Aug 2011 11:00:08 +0000http://www.erinpavlina.com/blog/?p=1997Read On]]>Have you ever been in a romantic relationship that started out fantastic only to fizzle a couple of years (or decades) later? What happened to the dream? The plan? The goal? Did you wake up one day and realize that the two of you had incompatible goals? What did you do about it? Did you give up your own goals so that you could keep walking the same path together? Did you break up? Or did you just argue about it, feeling a ripping sensation as the fabric of your relationship got torn asunder?

I’ve done countless readings for people who are at a standstill in their relationship because each partner wants to move in a different direction, but neither partner wants to give up their path to walk their partner’s path. What should you do?

When a couple gets to a place where their life goals are incompatible, many people try to preserve the relationship above all else. “We made a commitment. Through thick and thin. Sacrifice and compromise are just part of any relationship.” Sacrifice and compromise are only part of a relationship if you decide that the commitment to the relationship is more important than your commitment to yourself to be happy.

You have a right to be happy. Loyalty and commitment are great things, but not at the sacrifice of your own happiness.

People’s paths diverge often. Let’s use a metaphor to see what’s happening here.

The Forest of Life

You’re walking through the forest of life and you’re holding a map. On this map, you’ve circled a destination that’s fairly far off. But no worries, you are enjoying the scenery and know you’ll get to your destination in time. While walking, you notice other people seem to be walking the same trail with you. You pair up and walk together, enjoying each other’s company as you walk. You casually mention your destination and your walking partner mentions his is the same. What fun to have company on the road!

So you walk together, meandering, enjoying the landscape. You stop sometimes to camp, get your strength back, and replenish supplies. So far, so good. Occasionally your partner wants to stop and you still have energy to keep going, but you like walking with this person so much that you agree to stop more often than you would if you were alone. You don’t want to leave them behind.

After a while you check in with each other to make sure you’re still heading in the same direction. Yep! So you keep walking together. Maybe you even make a commitment to each other to stick together on the trail no matter what. Feels good to know someone will always be with you, watching your back.

There comes a day, however, when you start rethinking your destination. Back when you started walking through the forest you were pretty sure about your destination, but now that you’ve been walking for a while and you’ve seen so many different paths, you start to wonder if perhaps there’s a different destination you’d like to have. You tentatively mention to your partner that you’re wondering now if the destination should be changed. Your partner is still committed to the destination and wants to keep going. You agree to keep going.

But as you continue walking you’re getting a strong feeling that you should select a new destination. You don’t want to disappoint your partner and you certainly don’t want to walk alone now that you’ve gotten used to walking together, so you try in little and subtle ways to get your partner to start thinking about other destinations. Your partner feels manipulated and worried. So you stop talking about it.

You start to slow down. You camp longer. Every day you walk is taking you closer to a destination you don’t want to go to, so you start dragging your heels a little. You need time to think. Your partner doesn’t understand why you aren’t walking energetically anymore. You start to argue and are irritated with each other more often. Something isn’t right anymore.

Finally you just tell your partner that you no longer wish to reach your original destination and you feel you must go in a new direction. You stop walking and start really discussing the situation. You try to get your partner excited about the new destination you’ve picked but your partner still wants to go to the original destination circled on your map. You are at an impasse.

Your Four Options

First, you can decide that having someone to walk with is more important than reaching your desired destination, so you give up your own destination and continue to walk with your partner to the original destination. The downside is that this can breed resentment. Why is your partner’s destination more important than yours? The upside is that you will always have a loyal partner to watch your back and take care of you if you slip and fall.

Second, you can decide to leave your partner and follow your own path even if it means you might have to walk alone. The downside is that you may feel lonely and sad, and be scared about being alone in an emergency. The upside is that you may meet someone else who is heading to your new destination that you can walk with who shares your excitement for the new destination.

Third, you can stand still on the path and argue with your partner about whose destination is the “right” one. The downside is that neither of you reaches your destination when you stop walking through the forest. The upside is that there is hope that your partner will “see reason” and is willing to try a new destination eventually. In the meantime, neither of you are wasting energy going in the “wrong” direction because neither of you is moving anymore.

Fourth, you could decide, if it’s feasible, to hit both desired destinations. First you go to the original destination together and hang there for a while, then you both agree to go to the new destination and hang there for a while, and then see where you may want to go next. The downside to this is that you have to go somewhere you don’t really want to go anymore, and there’s no guarantee your partner will decide to leave the original destination once you get there, which means you may still end up walking alone and now it’s going to take even longer to get to your new destination. The upside is that you get to continue walking with your beloved partner and are on the same path once again, both of you getting to go to your desired destinations.

Which option do you choose?

It all depends on what’s more important to you. Security or freedom? Commitment to your relationship or commitment to yourself? Loyalty or independence?

No one can make this decision for you, and there is no right or wrong answer. It’s a choice you have to make for yourself, and then you have to live with the consequences.

If you decide to give up your destination to walk to your partner’s then don’t be resentful of the choice you made. Embrace the camaraderie and companionship you’re creating, and remember that you value the companionship more than the destination.

If you decide to leave your partner and walk your own path, then don’t feel guilty about choosing the path that you believe will make you happy. Let your partner go with love. You both have a right to be happy. Be open to finding new walking partners when you’re ready.

If you decide to stand still while you figure it out, don’t stay there too long. Don’t hold your partner back from reaching their destination. That’s not fair. At some point you need to get up and get moving again, even if that means separating.

And if you decide to try to hit both destinations, don’t be surprised or resentful if your partner decides to stay at the original destination while you go on to yours alone. You need to know that if you give up your path to walk someone else’s, that they may not decide to walk yours with you later. It’s a risk you must take with your eyes wide open. No one forced you to leave your own path. Take responsibility for your choice.

In the end, you are completely responsible for your experience. When you were handed the map of the forest of life you began making choices that would lead you in certain directions. Along the way you had many opportunities and options. You are where you are now because of every choice you made. If you don’t like where you are, make different choices and go a different way.

While you are on the path you will encounter thousands of other people walking. Some may walk with you for a time. Some you may never interact with. And maybe there will be one partner with whom you can happily share your entire journey. If you find such a person, hold on to them. And if you never do, remember that you can still enjoy your journey if you’re just walking with yourself.

]]>How to Energetically Let Go of an Exhttp://www.erinpavlina.com/blog/2011/04/how-to-energetically-let-go-of-an-ex/
http://www.erinpavlina.com/blog/2011/04/how-to-energetically-let-go-of-an-ex/#commentsMon, 11 Apr 2011 11:00:58 +0000http://www.erinpavlina.com/blog/?p=1544Read On]]>How do you handle break-ups? Do you eat chocolate or ice cream? Cry on your friends’ shoulders? Go drinking with your buddies? Hole yourself up in your room with a box of tissues, a match, and a photo? If you’ve had your heart broken, you know there’s no fast and easy fix. You try to keep the rest of your life together while THAT part of your life breaks into pieces. You’re devastated, undone, cast off, falling without a net or a parachute. It sucks.

Then the dust settles and you can breathe again. Sometimes only short gasping breaths, but you’re breathing nonetheless. As time goes by, the pain lessens, and maybe you even start to remember the good times. Maybe you even start to wonder why you broke up or start to think about getting back together with your ex. Sometimes that works, but most of the time it doesn’t.

Is there a way to get over an ex faster though?

To answer that, we have to go back to the beginning of a relationship. When you let someone into your heart, you create an energetic bond with them. As your heart opens, their energy mingles with yours until you are one big swirling ball of love energy. You make your friends sick with all the love you’re spewing. It’s fun, it’s awesome. You get closer still, and now your partner’s energy is setting up residence in your heart. It’s like you gave them a drawer in your dresser, or space in your closet for their things. You’re attached.

What’s actually happening energetically is that you’re building a cord of energy between the two of you. You have cords of energy between you and all the people you let into your life (friends, relatives, co-workers, etc.), but the strongest cord is usually between you and your partner. It’s built on love, experiences, shared dreams, future plans, etc.

So what happens when you break up? Energetically the cord can rip and tear. A disruption occurs. The love energy that used to flow back and forth between you is now dis-eased, poisoned, angry, upset, sad. And that cord continues to pump energy into you. Where once it was good, now it doesn’t feel good at all. When you’re ready to let go of your ex energetically, there are ways you can do it so it won’t hurt so bad.

First, you’ve got to gently lift that cord up and out of your energetic body and let it fall gently to the floor, in peace and love, for your own good, and for the highest good of all. To do this, repeat this mantra, or use it as an example to create your own.

“I release your energy from mine. I send you peace, love, and compassion. I appreciate the love we shared, but now it’s time to let you go. I wish you well.”

Then literally imagine you are lifting a cord up and out of your heart and let it waft gently to the ground. This will release you from their energy so it doesn’t continue to negatively affect you. If your ex wants to keep pumping hatred, blame or anger through the cord, it will no longer be anchored in you, and that’s his or her choice to keep doing that if desired.

You may need to do this several times until you really feel released from your ex’s energy.

Most people try to rip the cord from their body, leaving pieces behind like angry shrapnel that continues to poison you over the years. It’s far better to take the “arrow” out clean without leaving the barbs behind.

When you release the energetic cord between you, you may feel like there’s a gaping hole in your heart. To close the wound, use this mantra (or create your own similar mantra):

“I am whole and complete within myself. I am worthy of being loved for who I truly am. I am always connected to Divine Love. I feel the love around me, and remember that I am never truly alone.”

While you’re saying this mantra, imagine a beautiful, pure white light coming into your body and filling you with Divine Love.

Spending time with friends who can remind you of your greatness is good. Reconnecting with your higher self to remember who you really are and how whole you really are, is good too.

Another method you can use is to imagine having a conversation with your ex the way you WANT it go, not the way you EXPECT it would go. Have a loving, peaceful conversation where you let go with love and understanding. That will create energetic ripples that will impact your ex with love and forgiveness on an ethereal level. It will help you both, especially if you’re still energetically attached by your cords.

If you don’t do any work consciously to release the energetic cords between you, they will eventually erode and wither in time. But they can still remain stuck inside you, with no pulse, dragging along behind you, crowding out room for others to make new connections with you, and subtly keeping you anchored in the past. It’s better to clean out all the cords that no longer serve your highest good. This works for friends, relatives, and co-workers too, not just exes. Think about everyone in your life for whom you still carry a grudge or for whom you can’t forgive. Find their cords in your body and lift them up and out, letting them fall gently to the ground.

You’ll feel lighter. You’ll feel better. Time does heal all wounds, but you can help that along by cleaning the wound and covering it with a bandage. And a little chocolate doesn’t hurt either.

]]>http://www.erinpavlina.com/blog/2011/04/how-to-energetically-let-go-of-an-ex/feed/4Honoring the Tearshttp://www.erinpavlina.com/blog/2010/12/honoring-the-tears/
Wed, 01 Dec 2010 11:00:43 +0000http://www.erinpavlina.com/blog/?p=1206Read On]]>Have you ever suffered a loss? Said goodbye to a relationship? Or a loved one? Did you allow yourself to feel the pain of that loss or did you try stifle it, get past it, ignore it, or bury the pain? Are you still carrying that pain inside of you? Have you ever fully acknowledged that pain?

When I first separated from Steve and moved into our smaller home with the kids, I was processing so much grief, change, and loss that I found myself crying at night after the kids were down. During the day I was so busy with work and managing the kids that I didn’t really have time to feel anything, but it always hit me at night. I would get into bed, it would be quiet, and I’d be alone, and I’d start to cry. But I would always stop myself because it felt like crying was pointless and would just give me a sinus headache and puffy eyelids. I didn’t want to feel sad or lonely. I wanted to feel empowered and determined.

I started distracting myself in the evening so I wouldn’t cry. I would talk to friends on the phone or via Skype, watch television until I dozed off, or I’d listen to a paraliminal which would take me right into sleep. There. Problem solved. No time for any of that crying nonsense.

Then one night the battery in my iPod was dead and none of my friends happened to be around to talk to. I climbed into bed and flipped on the television. Then I heard a voice in my head. It was Sephira, my higher self, and she was telling me to turn off the television. I replied, “But if I turn off the TV I’m just going to sit here and cry.” She replied, “Yes. You will. So cry. Cry until you’re done. Stop blocking your feelings. Just let them all come to the surface.” I really didn’t want to, but Sephira is commanding and I trust her wisdom. Reluctantly but with resignation, I turned off the television.

I sat alone in bed and let the tears come. Hard. You know the kind… sobs. Heart wrenching, aching, deep, from the gut. It was physically and emotionally painful. I let every fearful thought enter my mind. As the thoughts appeared, I acknowledged them.

I’m lonely.
It’s hard.
I’m scared.
It hurts.
I don’t know how to be by myself.
I won’t survive.
I won’t make it.
I can’t endure this.
I made a mistake.

That night I think I cried for a full hour. I never once tried to stop the tears from coming. I never filtered or evaluated the thoughts coming to me. I just let them come and be acknowledged. I had to open my energy to feeling everything I’d been trying to stifle. I kept crying until I literally had nothing more to cry about. Every thought that wanted to come, came. And went. I wasn’t expecting them to leave after they’d presented themselves. Instead of going over and over my painful thoughts, they just came and went. At the end of an hour I had felt every fearful thought buried inside me. And then it was quiet, and the crying just stopped.

I felt oddly peaceful. There were no more fears anchoring me in place. They’d all been released through my tears. I felt like I was floating in a sea of calm potential.

Sephira said, “Is that all you’ve got?”

I shrugged and said, “Yep, I think that was all of it.”

Sephira said, “Good. Now let’s get to work picking up the pieces of your life and putting them back together. I think you’ll find it’s not nearly as bad as you feared.”

And I listened while she channeled her thoughts and ideas at me. For the next 30 minutes she talked to me about power, contribution and compassion. We discussed ideas, plans, desires, and goals. She helped me see how separating from Steve was important, and that my path was not dead, but opening up in new ways.

By the time she was done with me, I had the power and determination I’d been looking for. I was focused instead of fearful. Empowered instead of undone. But I couldn’t have reached that place with all the fear inside me, niggling and nagging at me. I had to let it out; I had to feel it and release it.

After that experience, I learned that it’s okay to cry. It’s healthy. Purifying. By letting go of the fearful or disempowering feelings, you can make way for healing to begin, and for resourcefulness to take its place.

Now when I feel like crying, I literally set aside time to do it. Usually at night, before bed, when the kids are down and I can be alone with my thoughts. I just let my mind go. I let the fear present itself and then I release it. I cry until I’m done.

When you try to “get past” your pain without acknowledging it, it’s like putting new clothes on top of wet, muddy clothes. Eventually the dirty water will seep into the new ones. Better to take off your muddy, wet clothing, dry off, clean up, and then put on fresh clothes.

The next time the pain wells up inside you, make arrangements to let it out. Have a good cry. Cry until you’re done. Honor the tears. Let them cleanse you and prepare you for a more empowered future.