Followers

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

The
Bank of England is to consider a bold approach of treating the High
Street banks in the same manner as they treat their customers, by
instigating charges on the money a bank holds with the central bank.

“I
went into my bank the other day to try to work out what to do with my
savings that had mysteriously dropped to paying, basically, fuck all
percent interest,” said deputy governor Paul Billingsworth. “I
decided to move some money about, then the rob-dogs started going on
about charging to write cheques. I thought, 'right, lets do the
fuckers right over'.”

The
statement was part of the evidence that Mr Billingsworth gave to the
Treasury Committee regarding consideration for instigating negative
interest rates.

“Basically
we will charge them for holding their money with us, see how they
like that,” he said. “When they want to hold less, well I might
just charge them for making the withdrawal. Seems only fair.”

The
banking industry reacted angrily to the news and said the action
would have severe repercussions on the British economy.

“Negative
interest rates will affect key areas of society, namely bank profits
and those profits are needed to pay the bonuses that ensure Britain
has the finest banking talent retiring at the age of 45,” said a
spokesman. “Anyway it's not the Bank of England's money, it's
ours, you can't charge us to get at our own money. Oh, I see what
you are doing there.”

In
other news High Street banks said that savings accounts will now pay
zero or less interest and a royalty fee will be levied on anyone
using the phrase bank, banker or synonyms such as “thieving,
incompetent git”

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

An old woman who fantasies about men in tights for a living reveals she is pretty upset about getting older and no one paying much attention to her for anything other than her mind.

“Plastic smile, that’s what she has. Thin, no wrinkles, lovely hair,” said Hilary Mantel. “She’s not like Diana – whatever that means. And there is no way that William could actually like her for herself. And God, her hair, why isn’t it made of straw like mine?”

The author was giving a dreary lecture at the London Review of Books on the subject of sex with Royalty and what the Royals wear when, realising that the men in the audience were only lusting after her intellectually, launched into an attack on the Duchess of Cambridge.

“She’s only there to look good in clothes, whereas what we all want is a princess wearing sweatpants stained with cider and maybe a few fag burns,” said Ms Mantel, who also has a sideline doing impressions of a startled Hillary Clinton. “And to give birth of course, after being shagged by a man. The lucky bitch.”

Ms Mantel’s lecture was a thoroughly researched, considered and deeply intellectual exercise in judging people solely by how they look or by how other people said that they look, having met few of the subjects herself.

“I’ve read a lot about the sex lives of Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn, its interesting stuff,” she explained. “Fascinating. Strong powerful men taking what they want. Women powerless to resist. I am sixty 60 now, but I was young once. I could show you some photos of a younger me. I am sure you would have … “

Ms Mantel had to leave the lecture to retire to the fainting room and await a “strapping doctor to massage the hysteria away”.