A new study has shown that wearing thong underwear
may be hazardous to a woman’s health

Thong panties, particularly combined with tight,
low cut jeans can cause the following health risks; vaginal and bacterial
infections, haemorrhoids, lacerations of the anus — or possibly
an increase in sexually transmitted diseases among fellow thong-wearers.

Dr Vondensteinenum of the Institute of Women’s Health took time
out from folding fetching new designs for'JLow'
designer sanitary pads to talk to us. “We have
found that the majority of women who wear the ‘combination’,
especially in drinking establishments, tend to have unsafe sex practices.
This leads to an increase in chlamydia and sexually transmitted diseases.
We have also found, because of the rubbing of the material along the
buttocks and the tightness of the fabric, that women are more likely
to suffer from inflammation, lacerations, infections and even infertility,
solely from their unfortunate choice of knickers.”

Utterpants put these concerns to a spokestypeperson from the
Ministry of Health, who told us: “We are currently looking into
womens' underwear and considering putting warning labels on all thongs
to clearly state the health risks associated with these garments. We
need to educate the public over this mounting dilemma. Women wear thongs
to be sexy, yet the poor sods who have to go 'down there' to clean up
the yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis which result from wearing
them don't find them much of a turn-on.”

“We are especially concerned about the amount of women wearing
thongs while pursuing activities in which they sweat, or bounce around
a lot," added Dr Vondensteinenum. "Vigorous Yogic exercises
or horseback riding in a thong are incredibly reckless activities for
a young woman. Why, you could cut off the circulation to your entire
vagina! It’s better not to wear any underwear at all!"
"We couldn't agree more, doctor, " we commented.