Hope After Heartache: When the Blue Star Turns Gold

Staff Sgt. Michael H. Simpson, 4th Battalion, 1st Special Forces Group (Airborne), is laid to rest with full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery on Fort Myer, Va., May 30, 2013. (U.S. Army photo by Sgt. Venessa Hernandez)

Three women. Three separate knocks. Three defining moments
that would irrefutably change the course of their lives. Although strangers,
they are forever bound by a thread that so beautifully and tragically weaves
hope throughout a designation they never wanted: the bearers of The Gold Star.

Kiley’s story

For Kiley Frederick, a phone call came first. The second she
saw the base number on Caller ID, her heart sank; she knew something was wrong.

“I answered, shakily — not recognizing my own voice. They
asked me if I was home. If I could sit down. They told me Jake was leading a
training mission with his wingman. His wingman was OK. Jake had to eject his
aircraft. They assured me they had every reason to believe they would find
Jake. That he would be OK; he was one of their best. He knew what to do, and
they’d find him.”

But deep down, Kiley knew. “It seemed like more than breath had been sucked out of me,” she shared. “It felt like my world shattered instantly in one unimaginable moment. My worst nightmare, the one you bravely refuse to let creep into your thoughts as a military wife — it was happening.”

Jake used to tell her that with their wonderful little life, every day could be Thanksgiving and every day could be Christmas because of all they’d been given. “We were rich in blessings,” she explained.

Jake and Kiley Frederick pictured with their son.

When three uniformed officers knocked on her door early the next morning, Kiley collapsed in sobs. Pregnant, a toddler at home and now a widow, “I heard myself saying over and over Jake’s name and, ‘No, no, no,’” she recalled. “I was in the fetal position, crying, thinking, ‘I can’t do this.’”

Krista’s story

For Krista Simpson (now Anderson), it was a phone call from
the company commander in Afghanistan. “It didn’t even dawn on me why he would
be calling me,” she admitted. She heard the words from across the ocean as time
stood still: “Michael is alive, but he is in critical condition. There was an
accident; he hit an IED while riding an ATV … He is alive, but he is
critical.”

Krista hung up the phone and started making plans to get to
Germany where her husband was being medevacked. She arrived in country with
Mike’s parents, siblings and their spouses, and her only request was that she
got to see him first. “I wanted to clean him up before his mom saw him,” she
explained. “Silly, but it was all I could think of.”

When she entered the room, she saw her big, bad Green Beret
lying broken and vulnerable. “I had never felt so helpless in my life,” she
admitted. “All I could manage was a whisper… ‘Dear Lord, please help us.’”

The doctors pronounced Mike brain dead and after much prayer, the medical team came in to get him for organ donation. Krista recalled, “I just kept screaming in my head, ‘I’m not ready!’ But … with as much grace as I could, I leaned down and kissed him one last time and whispered, ‘I love you all the world. I promise you I will take care of our boys, and we will always remember you.’”

Kim’s story

For Kim Haley, it was a different type of phone call. She
was at her youngest son’s football practice when a neighbor said, “Kim? Katie
is on the phone and says there’s a van at your house and there’s some people
there in uniform … brown uniforms.”

Kim immediately asked if they were there for her. “I told
her to tell Katie (the neighbor’s daughter) to go see if they’re there for me.
Katie was scared to go talk to them, and I said, ‘Oh for Pete’s sake, stay on
the phone and go find out!’ So she did, and they said yes, yes, they were
looking for Kim Haley. That’s me. And I knew. I knew.” She texted her son Cody,
a Marine, and asked him if he was okay. “But I never got a response,” Kim said.

Cody had been killed in a training accident only a few months after Kim had welcomed him home from a deployment.

“He was my first baby,” she said. “Cody was very outgoing and was not scared of anything. He was my little spit and vinegar boy.”

Cody Haley

Hope after heartache

Three women. Three immeasurable losses. Yet each have taken
their unspeakable tragedies and created beacons of light out of their darkness.
Theirs are the kind of lights that don’t just brighten a room, but illuminate
entire communities and towns. The kind of lights that ignite change and spark
movements and kindle hope.

Red Stripe Memorial Run

Kiley has found strength through her faith, in knowing that
she and the love of her life will be reunited after her time on earth is done.
But while she’s still here, she knows it’s her responsibility to teach her
children and the world about the selfless, loving, incredible man that Jake
Frederick, call sign “Red Stripe,” truly was.

In December, Kiley partnered with The Wingman Foundation to put on the inaugural Red Stripe Memorial Run. With over 350 runners across the globe, they more than doubled their fundraising goal.

“I’m humbled to be a part of something bigger than myself, and work to make a difference in the lives of others who will unfortunately walk my same path,” Kiley shared. “I can stand here today as a mother, as a widow, as a Gold Star wife, and say I do have hope for my future. I loved being Jake’s wife, and a military wife. I’m unwavering in the pride I have for my husband. His sacrifice. Our country. I think of all the things I’ve been blessed with and I just keep thinking: Every day is Thanksgiving. Every day is Christmas.”

The Unquiet Professional

Krista was named the 2018 Armed Forces Insurance Military Spouse of the Year, largely for her work with The Unquiet Professional, a non-profit she created in Mike’s honor. So much support was given to Krista and her family in the wake of Mike’s death that she needed to give back to the community. TUP provides healthy and empowering opportunities for Gold Star Families, veterans and their families.

Krista Anderson with her two children in Olympia, Washington.

“Tragedy did not dictate my life in a negative way,” she
explained. “My goal is that other people can see that, and feel that. I want
other people to look at me and find hope, too.”

#DoItForCody

When 55 Marines showed up to Cody’s little brother’s football game the night before Cody’s funeral, Kim knew that she had to pay that love forward. From sending valentines to giving out Cody keychains and sending care packages, her #DoItForCody initiative is making sure that Cody’s legacy lives on through good deeds in a million different little ways.

Kim shared, “I had always thought about what I would do if I lost one of my kids. I thought I’d die, too. But I have to go on. We all do. Cody would want us to. I’m choosing joy.”

Three women. Three role models. Three shining examples of
how to find purpose after facing the seemingly insurmountable. Hope springs
eternal, even — rather — especially in the threads of The Gold Stars.

T. T. Robinson is a freelance writer, editor and speaker. She is the founder of Humans on the Homefront and author of the New York Times Deployment Diary. Her work has been featured in the Washington Post, We Are The Mighty, Military.com and several other outlets. She is a graduate of Harvard’s Leadership in Crises Executive Education program, something that has proved super helpful as the mother of two young children.