Monthly Archives: January 2012

Searching for things to pack in shoeboxes last year, I ran across a set of self-labeled “realistic dinosaurs.” Upon closer inspection, however, I discovered that they are actually something entirely unique–perhaps representing a heretofore-unacknowledged advance in paleontology and biology.

Everyone knows there’s only one proper way to display dinosaurs, so I whipped up a primeval swamp diorama. This is why it’s critical to always have construction paper in the house.

This one is obviously a sauropod. It’s also one of the smallest dinosaurs in the set, so I’ll call it diplodocus. A sad diplodocus. Look at that face.

Not a triceratops, but a styracosaurus. This website describes styracosaurus as “a rotten dinosaur. very strong and imposant.” Don’t you believe it.

Wait, dimetrodon isn’t a dinosaur. It’s a Permian reptile, and everyone knows dinosaurs didn’t evolve until the Triassic. This particular dimetrodon is probably more concerned about its giant misshapen tongue, though.

The pterodactyl is also not a dinosaur, but at least it coexisted with dinosaurs. This one seems to have feathers; perhaps it’s a pterodactyl-archeopteryx hybrid? Oddly, it’s one of the largest dinosaurs in the set.

A duck-billed dinosaur, surely. I decided it’s a maiasaura, but I have no idea what’s wrong with its weirdly bent hands.

This one isn’t even a reptile. I think it’s some kind of mutant megacerops, even though it’s got tusks and at least two extra sets of horns.

Here’s the first one I couldn’t identify, even tentatively. Is it some kind of tapirsaurus? Really, really long-necked giant elephant shrew?

This one, on the other hand, is easy to identify. It’s a Godzilla monster. It looks like it wants to give you a hug.

Let’s see. We’ve got a long pointy nose, an armadillo/pineapple-looking body, and a big handle on the back. Yeah, I got nothing.

Aside from the alien head and the broken wrist, this could be a pretty normal theropod, maybe an allosaurus or…AAAGH WHAT IS WRONG WITH ITS FOOT

All right, that’s it. There’s no way around it: That’s a dragon. It has friggin’ wings. Nobody on Earth could possibly think that was a dinosaur, not even Jack Chick.

Group shot! And a bonus: the original background that came with the set. I like their sunset background, but otherwise, mine is clearly superior.

What I haven’t decided yet is whether any of these monstrosities should be inflicted on children.

Snooping for Christmas vinyl in my parents’ cabinet, we found this on the back of Lanza Sings Christmas Carols:

IMPORTANT NOTICE

This is a “New Orthophonic” High Fidelity recording, designed for the phonograph of today or tomorrow. Played on your present machine, it gives you the finest quality of reproduction. Played on a “Stereophonic” machine, it gives even more brilliant true-to-life fidelity. You can buy today, without fear of obsolescence in the future.