It’s now been 6 nights and about 2 hours since I moved into my new home, and let me tell you – life feels so very different on the other side.

The last time I was able to unpack my bags without an agenda to move anywhere would have been Victoria, Canada. I don’t include the Silent Retreat as that was Ashram style living and frankly – who wants to consider living there long term?

I’ve landed safely with both feet, as my new home includes everything. I have a bathroom – hot & cold water, a kitchen – including gas cooker AND fridge, a bed, a garden AND a pool! Jackpot!

These might seem like very simple things to give appreciation for, but when you’ve been bed & house hopping for the past year, it changes one’s perspective A LOT!

For the last 5 mornings I’ve cooked breakfast at home. The satisfaction that this small little task offers is in-explainable. Having to pop out to cafes to eat first thing in the morning can feel relentless after a while. Don’t get me wrong – the food and coffee here are wonderful and I am so very grateful to have had the abundance to do this. But this chicken is ready for a rest and to focus my energy constructively elsewhere. Not on where I’m going to eat today. Big shift.

At the same time, a little rescue Bali Dog affectionately named Molly has shown up in my life. She’s a little doll of a puppy, if a puppy can be called that? She’s a special little being that has been brought back from the brink of near extinction and has won our hearts. So for now she is living with me. A house and a dog in one week, a partner on his way.

Yup life. It feels possible again. Today when asked how I’m doing, my reply – good. Full stop. No stories, no explorations or reflections. Just good. Great in fact.

With the world in upheaval the way it is, to feel good is GREAT!

My inner world is where it’s at. It is all there is. From my inner world I am creating my external. Amazing things are beginning to make their way to me at a rapid rate. I am merely preparing to receive them right now. I’m resting when I need to & enjoying this massive clearing rain Bali has been receiving for FOUR days straight now. FOUR DAYS OF RAIN!

So this little blog is just a little ditty of gratitude. No massive reflections, no deep diving. A reminder that simplicity and gratitude for such is where I’m at. I couldn’t be happier in this moment, well I can think of one – but that’s for between my ears only 😉

In my years of being a Trainer, the proven weight loss tip I’ve ever learnt and applied was,

“Chew your food mindfully in peace and quiet,
until it turns to liquid before you swallow”.

In doing so, each organ in your body carries out its designated role in the eating & digestion process. The mouth for chewing & savoring the taste of your food, the stomach for breaking down chewed particles, the small intestine for absorption of nutrients & minerals, and the large intestine for releasing the waste.

In slowing our chewing, not only do we create time to enjoy our meal, appreciate what nutrition we’ve chosen to nourish our bodies with, the earth it has grown in. We also give our stomach the time it needs to tell our brain that it feels satiated, which means we’ve eaten enough. Therefore we don’t over eat more than is needed. We don’t receive this message way past having already eaten everything on our plates. We are often conditioned to eat everything that’s on our plate, despite our bodies telling us we’re full.

In listening to our bodies feelings of fullness, we also get to eliminate some digestive programs that occur from not chewing our food correctly. Leaky gut, constipation, acid re flux, gas, bloating, burping, abdominal pain, indigestion to name a few.

Because I changed how I chewed my food, my meal portions dropped, my tummy felt less bloated, and I dropped excess weight. I was no longer eating more than I needed, and was able to shed additional kilos my body was holding onto.

This simple change is easier than trying to change many dietary things at once.”

Heidi Firth is a Personal Trainer, Transpersonal Coach & Energy Healer.
Her passion is to inspire others to connect with their inner wisdom, their Inner Guru.

Welcome to the first post in a series of Facebook/Blog Posts on a variety of topics to support you in aligning to the Guru that you are. Mondays topic is – You are what eat – Food & Nutrition – What should I be eating daily.

This is the first Monday that Be Your Own Guru has touched on this topic, and as I’m sure you are well to aware of, is a BIG one!

There is SO much information available to us, in fact it is overwhelming how much information there is.

Articles, research & blogs saying eat this, don’t eat this. Be Vegan, Eat Paleo – it’s any wonder the majority of people don’t know what to do and are seeking answers externally.

I witness a massive online demand from people in search of diet plans from Professionals. How can someone on the other side of the world, have the slightest idea what your body will need nutritionally, energetically & climately (yes I made up a word), yet takes your money in exchange for your loss of personal power? How are these ‘Professionals’ really aligned to health?

Food & Nutrition goes so much deeper than calories in & calories out. There are crucial elements such as where the meat was sourced, how it lived in harmony with the planet, what food it ate during it’s life cycle, if vegetables were grown in organic soil, what the farmers practices were in growing & harvesting, their transportation method & how long ago the produce was harvested before it was cooked.

Now I KNOW this is a lot of information to consider for one single meal, so there is absolutely no expectation to go out into your day and expect to follow all of this, let alone authentically care to know. We will expand slowly on these topics in the coming weeks. As with any area of our life, it takes learning to look at ourselves first, before we have the capacity to extend our thinking to others.

My food journey started with cleaning up my diet in preparation for a Body Building competition. Before that, I was a cardio junkie who ate carb dominant foods because I was also a sugar junkie hiding from her emotions. I had no connection to myself, only a one track mind that was focused on running harder & faster. (More on this in future posts). When my trainer told me to cut all sugar from my diet, I did – though I felt as though I had been hit by a train. There were no blog articles or Instagram feeds to teach me about detoxing effects.

Without going into my whole food story right now, the key ingredient I learnt over time, was to listen to what my body needed. Sure I did study & learn various tools, but essentially those tools supported me to attune with what I needed, and from there, it has evolved.
No one can or should tell you what your body needs, only you can do that. Once you tune into your innate knowing, you will live in harmony & balance with your body as only you can.

So the exercise…
Get your hands on a copy of the Metabolic Typing Diet by William Wolcotthttp://www.metabolictyping.com/
Within this book there is a questionnaire which will test your Metabolic Type.
From here, it will teach you what ratios of Protein, Carbohydrates & Fats to eat in each meal.

This will support in maintaining balanced blood sugar levels through your day which will offer optimal energy. No sugar peaks, or troughs bringing on cravings for more of the same.

In time, you will come to know your bodies messages, whether you needed more or less fats or proteins, if you’re really craving sugar or need to sit with the craving feeling and notice if it’s an emotional need.

I am not one who gets sick, so here’s my share on why getting sick in Bali is a gift…

I listen to my body pretty well, and in doing so, it tells me what I need to do to take care of it on a daily basis.

More and more I surrender into flow, the more I come to know that ‘our’ way of being is so highly action orientated, it often times takes us out of our true nature.

However sometimes something hits, that has the ability to reset one’s whole system, as if pressing the restart button on your phone. Installing upgrades quickly & making the whole system work efficiently, if not better.

I don’t believe we need to get sick. I do believe that we have the ability to listen and follow our guidance constantly, and rarely, if ever fall ill to dis-ease. However we are still human, learning, integrating, listening to new messages, making mistakes and getting things wrong.

I have been bed ridden for a few days this week with some kind of fever. I felt a few days prior that my well was not full & it needed refueling. So I pulled in & began resting, taking it easy, but my actions just weren’t cutting it. In hindsight, I can see I needed to pull right in and keep my energies close to home. So no social outings & engagements.

I’ve had a number of big changes show up in my world as of late, requesting of me to step up in a big way. I’m playing the game of trust & surrender. Trusting that I am taken care of in each moment, which of course I am. But not knowing how things will work out & show up.

I’m currently living out of 2 x suitcases, staying with a generous friend who has given up her spare room to me until she leaves for Canada early September. I am living off the small amount of money I have & trusting in myself to create something that allows me to stay longer in Bali, plus carry out the things that I want to do & create. Most people might make their way home, slide back into a job & plug into the system. There’s nothing wrong with this, if this is all you trust, but I now know too much to go ‘back’. There is only forward for me.

So when I discovered a piece of the puzzle last week, that is going to support me with creating my online business, it brought up a stack of my belief patterns. It was like shining a light so bright on some little gremlins in the middle of the night that they had no other option but to go POOF into a cloud of dust.

In doing so, I busted through the walls of an old mindset. But this mind shift still needed to integrate with the rest of my being. We are body, mind & spirit creatures and things aren’t integrated until they are on all levels.

Enter the quick fire method of getting sick, to burn up the old. Old patterns are stored on a cellular level within our bodies, and so they need to shift from that cellular level. We are constantly releasing the old in too many ways than I can list here, but if your body cannot keep up with what you’re shifting. It will find a way!

So the gift in me getting sick? I get to rest. I get to integrate these new beliefs. I get to be reborn anew. Sure, being sick is blaaahhh – it feels like arse! But if it’s for my best & highest good, then I’m in. It’s enabled me to surrender to the support of friends, receive, rest, remember that life isn’t compartmentalized.

Life is about enjoyment, fun, living on purpose & remembering that we are constantly supported. To trust in ourselves & to show up for ourselves in every moment.

I used to think that any ‘work’ output should equate to receiving money, an exchange. That is an old outdated way of thinking – in my belief system. I now believe that whatever I do, do it with love & enjoyment. It might not directly equal receiving money, but it’s on the right path moving me forward, and I am always supported.

In Bali I sit reflecting on, “what am I doing with my life?” I am reminded of how much I LOVED being a trainer and how empowered I felt. 10 years on, how it affects today – I competed in the ANB – Australasian Natural Bodybuilding Competition. I was at the pinnacle of my Fitness Career and loved working as a Personal Trainer in Sydney, Australia.

Today I recognize, along with my recent Canadian break-up, I have been affected, by seemingly having ‘failed’. Whilst intellectually I know I haven’t, I have an installed fear within, that has prevented me from stepping forth, again, owning something that I WANT. I WANT so much to feel this sense of joy & empowerment again, today I met my fear head on whilst speaking with my friend. I witnessed my fear in committing to something I want, for fear of not being good enough, worthy enough, not my path, for maybe failing again, etc etc.

You see, I had it all mapped out 10 years ago. I had a business partnership with another. We signed a 3 year lease on a commercial property to create a Holistic Health Centre. I was a successful trainer, and well on my way to graduating from my Diploma of Tranformational Coaching. This was what I wanted! I was 27 years old & I was doing what I loved! The sky was the limit!

In October 2006 I went into competition & placed 4th in Women’s Short Figure. It was a MASSIVE achievement! My coach suggested I stick at it as my physic was perfect for competing. Through this time, the relationship I was in ended and we parted ways.

Over the next duration of months, I continued to pour everything into my work and kept my training up, despite the next comp being another year away. The turning point happened after my Coaching Module – VISION QUEST. Where we undertake a sacred ceremony of entering into the bush from Dawn to Dusk – setting intentions for what we wish to let go of and welcome into our lives. I came away from that weekend with my mind blown & my energetic senses high. I’d gone down the rabbit hole & lost my way back out.

I entered depression for the next 2.5 years & as a result, everything I knew fell apart. My PT Business died, the friends I knew, fell away. I had high expenses based on my previous life & the mediocre jobs I was doing barely cut what was needed each week. I became a recluse hermit. My training faded and I lost who I thought I was.

I underwent therapy through this time & it was baby steps in the dark. I didn’t know if I was moving forwards, backwards or even if I was moving at all? Mostly I felt I wasn’t. Eventually as I pulled through, my confidence was shattered, and I took whatever jobs I could to survive. Personal Training felt so far from me, it was a distant object.

This was 2009/10, and ever since has been a gradual step forward.

Wrapido to Nature Care College. Nature Care College to lululemon. lululemon to Canada. Canada to New Zealand. New Zealand to Bali Silent Retreat.

Each role, each location, bringing me closer and closer to ME. The real & authentic ME. Each place, rich & full with life lessons & experiences not possible in a classroom.

Now, sitting here in Bali, after being ‘born’ from my 8 month Bali Womb, I sit and wonder what is next? There is no backwards, there is no sideways, there is only forwards. I am done being a paid employee, I am done being dictated with plans & someone else’s ‘to do’s’, I am done with being 2nd best!!!

NOW!

NOW!

I must step forward, I must face my fear of failure, I must feel it and step forward regardless.

I MUST.

I MUST.

After all, what is a life worth living if we haven’t truly lived?

I don’t know how to do this? I don’t know how to start again? I only know I have to. I have to!

These past few days have invited some deep internal reflection. It has been brutally confronting, inviting me to look at old untruths that I have been operating from. But first, these patterns wouldn’t have come to head, if I hadn’t have allowed myself to sit in a womb of Bali love for these past 8-9 months.

Like all good cycles, this one has been epic beyond explanation. Inviting in rich feminine nurturing and ways of being I have been unaccustomed to. I’m Heidi – I like to charge forward like the Sagittarian Adventurer that I am, making shit happen & tearing things up in my path. This time has welcomed a newer, upgraded version of Heidi, one who has richer compassion and deep nurturment for the feminine process and holding.

I have needed to spend time healing my heart after my breakup, and look at my underlying issues of worthiness that it brought up.

It is merely intuition that has taught me that these months have been a holding period. Much to my personal frustration of wanting to get on with life and move forward. After all, doesn’t it feel so satisfying to take action towards the things we want most in life? Look at us humans right now, we are so ADDICTED to being in action. Our very days are full to the brim with action tasks and duties. Not to many moments are filled with blissful nothingness, simply watching nature & counting our blessings on breathe. “Il dolce far niente.”

I’ve trusted my guidance and taken one step at a time, accepting the discomfort of what was, trusting that everything is in perfect order, despite it not looking like the order I wanted so dearly. After all, as the saying goes “we get what we need, not what we want.”

I’ve carried out tasks that I am good at, that have served me living this life – making a living – in exchange for accommodation, food & other additions that have allowed me to stay on this island of Bali. It has triggered my deepest frustrations to not be ‘in control’ of such simple matters. However it has been so satisfying to not have to conform to the basic demands of needing to earn real money, only to see the gross of it go off to things like rent, expenses, food, gas, loans and so on. I have been gifted a break from the rat race. An incredible opportunity to rest from such a Masculine/Yang way of living.

Still I was aware of needing to break from Bali. An opportunity to gain a fresh perspective. To see if leaving this island was what I needed to do to move forward, break free of the Bali bubble. A return break to Australia to spend time with my bestie was just what I needed. Time to drink all the coffee and eat all the chocolate with my friend, and to not consider the needs of the retreat and my personal frustrations with, “what am I doing with my life!”

Feeling unbiased either way upon my return – should I stay, should I go – I returned and initially felt no clearer other than experiencing a few UP days, which were so so welcome, the nurturing womb of Bali love had changed – I felt freer. But direction & purpose were still no more clearer. Hoping clarity would show up after some necessary conversations, I’d hoped options would become clear to me. This wasn’t to be the case. Foggier and foggier I became. I fell into a hole of darkness yesterday and experienced my lows in full force. Worthiness, lack, sadness, fear. I decided to hide from myself by watching a movie.

That evening I attended our Agnihotra Fire Ceremony which welcomes purging of old to bring about transformation, and how perfect for this New Moon Energy. Still agitation sat with me and I choose to leave before it was finished. I retired to bed and decided to again distract myself with something to watch online. I found an interview with Marie Forleo & Tony Robbins. I started watching it out of curiosity. He’s been around for years, but I have never felt any interest in him. However he has a movie set for release shortly titled “I am not your Guru”, which is on par with my Be Your Own Guru concept. I watched for a bit but felt uninspired.

Clicking on a different video of his, titled something like “how to control your emotions” thinking, this will be interesting. I am not for controlling my emotions, but giving them the space to be what they need to be, but figured he must know what he’s talking about given his status & duration of time in the Personal Development field.

I understand that every emotion is a message telling us that we need to change something. I get this. We listen to the message & go deeper into it to find the core underlying message. I get this also. What he teaches, after acknowledging what the core message is, there are one of two things one can do;
1 – Change your perception of what you are experiencing to change your feeling, or
2 – Take action preceding the situation.

I often have the tendency to sit in the emotion of what comes up a bit longer than needed. For example, the recent changes here have triggered my feelings of worthiness. So I feel into the feelings of lack of worth. Allowing it to be what is. It does eventually shift naturally, however it can be quite uncomfortable to be there for extended periods of time, as one might imagine. Perhaps this has to do with my emotional maturity – having cut myself off from feeling emotions at a young age? Perhaps making up for lost time, I don’t know?

This morning upon waking, I sat in my fog and asked “what do I do next?” I had been waiting for internal guidance to guide me, giving me some kind of inspiration. A clear indication around what action I needed to take. Up until recently, I’ve been getting nadda. This morning what came through was a message – “back yourself.”

What listening to Tony the night before did, was reminded me that I am in control. I am in charge of what I want to create. I looked at why I am feeling this way. I got really honest with myself. I knew I didn’t want to return into the same bubble that I was previously. So what was my resistance?

I had been so down on my self belief, that I thought that I couldn’t create what I wanted. I thought it was gone. That my purpose was in the hands of some greater force guiding me, dictating where I needed to go & be. I was reminded that the most rewarding time of my working life, was when I worked for myself. I was my own boss. I did what I wanted and the sky was the limit!

This memory reminded me that I can do that again!

I needed to internally choose. I needed to step up, to back myself. To choose that I want to work for myself. To accept the massive opportunity that I have been given here. Of course I don’t know how I am going to do it, or what I am going to do, I only know that I cannot go backwards. I have to encompass everything that I know and have integrated over the past 15 years and bring it forward into the now. Now is the time to do.

As soon as I made this decision, I took myself off for an ass kicking workout. I biked to some local stairs that I love pounding and pumped out repetitions of them. I was my own Personal Trainer. Edging myself forward to push through the mud into something new.

This was communicated with the Founder here & a very short time after, a guest booked me for a session! Such a perfect confirmation that I have made the right decision aligned to my highest good. In hindsight, what I’ve shared is so simple, but experientially one of the toughest processes to date.

There was so much richness in the womb of Bali love that I needed, to come from a new, perhaps more loving, compassionate nurturing way of being, that perhaps could not have been facilitated from my old way of being. We are no longer living head based lives; we need to align with our hearts true purpose in each moment. It is easy to charge forward from the head, but to come from the heart, that is truly living.

Parts of ourselves become present in our minds eye, we may never have had the pleasure of meeting before.

Much like how our Apps hum along in the background of our smart phones, so too do these parts of ourselves, our ego.

They use energy subconsciously, they have been magnetizing your very life experiences. Creating it, drawing situations closer & closer.
To create the very moment. This very moment… in Silence where you shall meet it.

This is the personal development path. To come to know yourself, to meet your untruth, to pave the way for THE truth, the truth of who you really are in the world.

So as you meet your yourself, your hidden subconscious, you receive the opportunity to meet who has been running the show. Your monkey mind creator – if you will.

They may not be pretty, but these separated elements of your psyche, created by experiences in life, during developmental stages;
Infant, Toddler, Adolescent, Teenage – pivitol moments that bonded themselves in our cellular memory.
Or perhaps deeper, older? Past Life, Generational Contracts, In Utereo… Who’s to say?

But you are here. You are brave. Courageous.

You are meeting YOU. Who you are manifest in the world.

Your journey.

All humans are seekers. Seeking our truth. From truth, we can make conscious choice. Choices in life, choices aligned to our greater good. Your greater good.

There is infinite wisdom connecting with your magnetic subconscious. It knows, even if your mind does not understand.

You can feel it.

And so, you know…

+ Before we meet these hidden parts of ourselves, we don’t even know they exist. They operate subconsciously, behind the scenes, but driving us. It is not until we are in Silence, or triggered by an external person or experience, that they arise to the surface.
+ If you need support in recognizing behaviors you know are not working for you.
Email or Message Heidi at www.heidifirth.com

Like an unannounced house guest, he knocks at the door, packed bags in hand, you answer in your underwear, the house a mess, you’re unprepared. “Hello friend, I am Grief.”

He has come to visit. To turn him away would be unheard of, perhaps a crime. He never quite says what he needs, why he’s here, or how long he’ll stay for. But you welcome him in, albeit reluctantly. You both take a seat on the couch and he starts the conversation.

He responds, “Is that right? Tell me about how you’ve been feeling during your evenings alone?”

Something clicks inside. You know exactly the feeling he is referring to. You’ve been binging on chocolate & Netflix each night, in an avoidance of feeling this now named feeling.

“Tell me about THAT feeling he says, compassionately, lovingly.”

You sit for a moment. For maybe the first time, tuning into that discomfort that resides in your body. Uggghhh – there it is. That heavy weight sitting, waiting… Your breathing drops… Your heart rate present – now seemingly louder… You feel the energy expand outwards from this rock like weight. Tears are forming behind your eyes, it’s coming…

You can’t hold back, nor would you want to. You’ve wanted to acknowledge this, to feel this pain, you’ve just secretly been afraid. The heavens pour down and you’re running with it. Tears are falling down your face just like melting ice in your hot hand on a Summers day… your stomach contracts & heaves, as does your whole body in unison. Your mind is blank in this moment, you have found relief. In complete surrender to your bodies natural seasonal change – this emotional state.

Grief sits there quietly, very still. Just looking upon you gently, lovingly. A companion who has your back. You continue to cry, beginning to wonder if there will be an end to this heaviness?

Time has passed some. You’ve witnessed new insights drop into your mind, ah ha’s of what has been held so contained.

Memories from your past floating up from your subconscious. Making their transition from one realm, to the next. You can see more clearly, what was hiding.

What you were so frightened of. It is not so frightening anymore. Only here. Present. Accepted. Free. No stories. It is free. You are free. You are releasing the old. The old that has driven you to hide from yourself. Your truth.

Grief sits.

Placing his hands on your heavy heart. You feel the ache. The physical ache that now resides where before, pain sat.

You feel different. Tired. Numb. Sad. Heavy.

The couch feels good. Comfortable.

The convulsions have subsided, the tears are now dry.

Your head feels expanded, kinda headachy, like it has just been squashed, but blast open.

Your mind blank.

Sitting… Starring… Quiet… Peace…

Breathing now slow & consistent. You look at grief, he holds your gaze in return.

While sitting in the Immigration Office in Bali, I was contemplating how much change my life has undergone, is such a short space of time. Living within a Silent Retreat has brought me back to simplicity & the heart of what really matters in life.

I now see the many many distractions we create in life to avoid the very things that matter most to us.

For me, there is now no where to run, no where to hide, but face the pressing iceberg that lays in front.

My creativity & mark in the world is forefront.

I witness the talk, the wanting to make a better world, to impact people near & far.

I have had to learn to be humbled in its process, to loose my agenda for what I want.

I have had to let go & surrender to hard untruths in a bid to dissolve them.

I’ve had to fall into a puddle in the floor to come back stronger & continue step by step, again without agenda, but to dance in enjoyment of that moment, because this is all there is. An agenda is an idea, attached to ego.

When the ego fails, we feel we have failed & so a death cycles begins.

Not to avoid death cycles, but to really live in flow as nature intended is the truth. The only truth.

Having all rugs pulled from underneath, all safety harnesses removed, no life raft near is the only way. A singular leaf blowing in the wind, landing where it will, when it will, is, natures way.

And so, I am but another leaf, a piece of Earth, a part of Earth, aiming not to try to be anywhere but here.

It is an interesting way to live.

Trusting in life to provide in each & every moment. As this is only where life is. Not tomorrow, not yesterday.

Each moment I choose what tasks fulfill me, what nurtures me & what supports all. It is only within this balance of viewing all that I can be available to think far & wide, beyond my ‘I’ in the world.

Talking about doing things is no longer an option. We have a responsibility to uphold. Sitting behind Facebook sharing painful truths is not going to be the change. It is one step to awakening the masses perhaps, but it is only being in action that will make the change.

Today I propose to play a part in the reduction of reducing plastic usage in Bali. To help educate the Balinese people that their plastic rubbish contributes towards ocean pollution & sea life death.

This is an agenda yes. But in voicing it, I can let it go, and carry on taking action steps. Little by little, in a bid to align to the Earths intention for balance & harmony.