What is wrong with him?

kellvonAugust 6, 2006

I have been with my husband for 8 years and married for 5. We have two little girls together ages 2 1/2 and 7 months. I am 29 years old and my husband is 27 going on 12! I am at my breaking point with this marriage. He is driving me insane. Where to begin.....I'll start by saying my husband is a nice guy, very easy going, non confrontational, and a very hard worker AT WORK. People on the outside looking in love him to death and think he's the greatest. The truth of the matter is is that my husband does not do anything when it comes to our family. Our daughter is 2 1/2 and he has never given her a bath. He has no idea what her favorite things are (cartoons, foods, etc.) and he just in general does nothing when it comes to taking care of things at home except for mowing the lawn and he wouldn't do that if he didn't have too. Lately he's been doing things that are not like him. He's native american and I'm african american. He can drink beer like nobody I've ever seen. He's not an alcoholic but he takes drinking to a whole new level. Last week he came home smelling like cigarrettes. He went to take a shower and I took his keys and went out to his truck where I found an empty pack of cigarrettes and plenty of butts in the ash tray. HE DOESN'T SMOKE! I confronted him about this and he lied about it. He's lied to me several times and each time I confront him he promises me that he won't lie to me again. He works 2 jobs because he ran up a credit card bill and lied about it at first but I soon found out the truth. I told him last week that I was fed up with his craziness and he said he was going to stop drinking which he believed was the reason he was acting the way he was. He also said that since I never said anything lately about his excessive drinking that he thought it was Ok to continue to drink that way. I work outside the home and take care of our girls 24-7. Anytime anyone sees me other than when I am at work I am with my kids. I get no free time to do anything. When I do get time to myself it's when I take a shower and the kids are usually screaming their heads off because I'm out of their view and they're not use to their Daddy. I have brought all of these things to my husbands attention 1,000 times with the exact same results "I'm going to do better". Nothing ever changes and I'm stuck doing ALL the parenting. This is just the TIP of the iceberg. He can never do anything without being told to do it; it's like he's my 3rd child and I mean it literally. I want a husband not another child, I'm not his mother and I have told him that several times. We have two small children and he acts like we don't have any. He leaves things laying around all the time like coins on the floor, his exacto knife from work, and many other things that could pose a threat if our children got ahold of them. I continuously go around the house picking these up. I am truly the more responsible one in this marriage. I just do not know what to do with him. I love my husband but I can no longer tolerate his lying or his lack of responsibility. I totally feel like a single Mom although I am married. My husband and I are like roomates. Me and the kids sleep in the bedroom and he sleeps on the couch. We have an ok sex life although that's a whole other story in itself. People on the outside looking in think I'm working him to death because he works 2 jobs but he works this other job because of his own stupidity and it was his idea to get the job. I truly belive that if we didn't have children I would have divorced him a year ago but kids make things a little more complicated. I just don't know what to do. I do think we need marriage counseling and I'm willing to do it, we just have to make the time to go which is going to be extremely hard with our schedules. I don't see our marriage really lasting too much longer though without some counseling, I HAVE HAD IT! I would appreciate any ideas or comments that could help us.

You are right to see a marriage counselor, if not together, then separatly. You say he isn't an alcoholic, yet go on to say he brings drinking to a whole new level...maybe you're lying to yourself about his being an alcoholic?

Why does he NOT parent the girls? Do you let him? Often "guys" don't parent because they're not "let" to parent, or not made to..subjects to be brought up in marriage counseling. By not being "let" to I mean this..I have a friend who wouldn't let her husband do much with their son when he was little, he didn't change a diaper right, didn't give a bath right, basically she told him he didn't do anything "right", so he quit doing. I would to. He only played with the kid, even that he didn't do "right", but the kid LOVED it and so they played. WHat Mom didn't understand was that Dads sometimes don't do things the same as Mom, but that doesn't mean they're worng, just different. When that happens Dads do nothing, Mom does everything, then resents doing everything. The way to change this is to start having Dad take over one child chore. Getting them dressed or ready for bed is a good one, let the decision be totally up to Dad, NO CRITISIM even if the clothing is NOT what you'd have picked. Then in a month add another child chore. Pretty soon you can be sharing child rearing. BUT unless it endangers the child it is not wrong, just different. So what if she's wearing pink and green...at least Daddy dressed her!

If he won't pick up after himself...well why should he if you pick up after him. Yes the dangerous stuff should be put out of the kids reach, I broke my husband of this by putting the stuff in a garbage bag and hiding it for a good month. Pretty soon he ran out of stuff!

The lying...THAT IS A PROBLEM. DEEP PROBLEM, that is where marriage counseling MAY help. It could be the Alcholi, or other deeper issues, I cannot be the judge fo that, only you can.

Good Luck, and don't let the children be your excuse to stay in an abusive relationship if it is that and you didn't say that (remember emotional abuse is abuse, it does not have to be physical). Yes it is harder, but you do all the work now, how much harder can it get?

You are having a tough time, you are probably tired, and fed up with it all. No joy in your life, just constant work, and not much happiness at home.

I think you should take little steps in tackling your problems.

I think giving your hubbie one task to do with the children is worth a try. As Vicki says, dont critisize, just hand it over to him and see what happens. Say to him "I need your help, can you please read a book to the children." Do you get the idea ?

In my family we have changed our behaviour to "why should I help you, what will you do for me" to " how can I help you".

My DH and me have found that the children are responding to this change in behaviour...they have things done for them, without a begrundging parent, and things are slowly changing 'cause the children are now doing the same for us, when we ask them do do things.

In other words "what goes around comes around".

Worth a try in your life...perhaps.

Dont give up, be clever, work it out, try new ways of dealing with the problems, and try putting blame out the window, and shutting the window.

If he is Native American, is it possible that there are some cultural issues here? Was he raised to think of women as a "pack horse", and that child care is solely the woman's job? How was he raised? In a "traditional" Native American home, or on a reservation, or in a traditional modern American home, where man and wife are partners?

Alcoholism is also a great problem for Native Americans as well as the very often following diabetes - this is not so much cultural as genetic - the native American body systems "process" alcohol differently and often has a lower tolerance to it.

Cultural differences mean a lot in a marriage and with child rearing. Counseling is a must and you both need to make time for it - not find time, but make time. Make it a priority in your life.