funny

Step aside, Nobel Prize winners, because these dudes are right on your tails.

Presumably after discussing nuclear physics, two Kentucky men allegedly moved their conversation to more pressing matters: Robbing a BBQ restaurant where the local police chief just happened to be eating at. How did the chief find out? Well, these two guys, who just have to be direct descendants of Einstein or something, pocket dialed 911 while they were discussing the plans.

“According to the Danville Advocate Messenger, police say two suspects were sitting inside their car outside of Brothers' BBQ, discussing their plans to rob the restaurant. Unfortunately for them, one of the men had accidentally pocket dialed police dispatch.”

“There was some conversation about when they should do it, they might be recognized if they do it in Danville, and I think they did talk about some different locations …” Police Chief Tony Gray said. “Somewhere in the conversation, my name was brought up.”

Chief Gray and other officers apprehended the men in the parking lot, discovering a mask on one of them. It takes a certain level of intelligence to be a successful criminal, and at the top of it, make sure you’re calling 911 while you’re laying out the details.

Call, with his long blond hair reminiscent of the Thor, the god of thunder, blades into the gym, does a cool spin move and a little march, and deadlifts 495 pounds three times, before skating away, giggling over the world he has just conquered. Fear not, mortals, for he is a benevolent god who likes Michael Jackson.

Sure, you can see any old human deadlifting hundreds of pounds in the olympics, but how often do you seem them do it in rollerblades. Sorry, 2016 Olympic Gold-Medalist Lasha Talakhadze, but either get some blades on or stay home.

Jon Call does all sorts of things to prove that he’s a god, like carrying a couple hundred pounds over a fire in a horse mask and lifting at Thanksgiving dinner.

For some reason, picking out the perfect Christmas tree puts people on pins and needles. Let’s get something straight, the only needles you should be on are the ones that fall from your tree.

That’s enough kidding around becuase finding the perfect tree can make or break your Christmas. So unless you want to have a terrible Christmas and have your family hate you, you better listen to stand-up comic and unaccredited Christmas tree enthusiast Joe Pera. He might not be a professional, but he knows a thing or two and loves to help. He also has an Adult Swim special on the subject

Pera recently appeared on a Detroit local news show to help the morning crew pick out the perfect tree. He tells them about his trip to Anderson’s tree farm in Newbury, Michigan, where the farm’s proprietor Merle and his wife Caroline taught him a whole lot. The segment, with the stuttering and dead air, is as soothing as they are unsettling.

In many ways, everyone on the planet would like to never hear the name Harambe again. We get it, ok? Dudes on Reddit think the gorilla getting shot is very funny. The joke is played.

But almost by divine providence, if you will, someone found a new way into the joke.

Reddit user agc4 is now the founder and first member of the Church of Latter Day Harambe, a new holy community that just received approval from the IRS.

As of now, we only have a letter addressed to the founder and not much more information on how to join the church because apparently the founder "lost" the letter. Not a great sign for the new religion.

So as of now, we’re a little light on details about the Church of Latter Day Harambe. Until some more develops, enjoy this clip from Last Week Tonight With John Oliver from the time John started his own church, Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption.

While riding the Sling Shot ride Six Flags Mexico in Mexico City, 15-year-old Daniel Barron Melendez passed four times for up to three seconds at a clip. Get your sleep where you can.

In the video, you can see Daniel’s eyes glaze over and roll back into his head, while the other rider enjoys the ride. Daniel not only passes out during the ride, but in between cat naps, he looks like he’s in physical pain.

“Local media reports suggested the teenager may have been trying to impress his friend by going on the ride. Daniel has started getting dating requests on social media from female admirers after posting the video.”

We’ll keep you updated on whether or not Daniel gets a girlfriend through this as this story develops.

Like many young actors, Pratt was a waiter before landing his star-making role on Parks and Recreation. However, it looks like working for tips wasn’t enough for Mr. Pratt. Sometimes he’d take his tables’ orders to go.

Appearing on The Graham Norton Show to promote his new film, Passengers, on Friday night, he told of how he would get a little extra something something from his diners: Leftovers.

In an elaborate scheme, Pratt would convince little old ladies to order a 32-ounce steak that he knew they could not finish. He would then take the table scraps to the back of the restaurant and slam the steak in a matter of seconds. However, when one diner asked to have the already-finished meal to go, things got interesting.

Check out this clip and feel better about yourself on this Monday morning.

Which is the only explanation for the black hole of the Internet, the Gyllenhall, so welcome to Gyllenhell.

But what is the Gyllenhall?

Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like, a neverending hallway lined with pictures of Jake Gyllenhall. All that can be heard in the Gyllenhall, Jake’s famous line from Brokeback Mountain, which taunts you over the computer speakers:

I guess a better question is why is the Gyllenhall? What is it doing here? Why are we forced down its eternal path? The light fixtures above offer little clues to its origin. No, much like 2001: A Space Odyssey’s The Monolith, we are left to ponder the Gyllenhall and, hopefully, come out the other side evolved.

Any Leprechaun will tell you, if you’re guarding gold, don’t take your eyes off the gold.

Owners of this armored truck, who just left an 86-pound bucket of gold flakes out in the open, learned this the hard way, when a passerby swiped the 5-gallon metal bucket from the unguarded van. Apparently, the guard left to grab their cellphone. This was all in broad daylight on West 48th Street in New York City.

ABC News said, “The thief lugged the gold flakes up the street, taking an hour to complete what would normally be considered a 10-minute walk. He then hopped into a white van and fled.”

It’s like he showed up to rob the place and half the work was done for him. While the suspect is thought to be hiding in Florida, because of course he is, officials should probably just chalk this one up to a “freebie.”

Time spoke to Captain Mark Herb of the Forest Grove Police Department:

“It’s not clear if the caller would have been more or less upset if it was a different genre or whether it was just the talent lacking in the whistling,” Herb said.

According to Time:

“While the whistler had moved on by the time police arrived, cops still located him and, according to Herb, he was still whistling ‘Closing Time.’ Police officers spoke to the man who said he was upset that he had been told to shut up. Cops sent him on his way, and according to the notes left by the officer in the police log, ‘he whistled his way back home.’”

They set up some motion-activated camera to catch mountain lions at night and ended up with photos of Bigfoot, Santa Claus, the Abominable Snowman, and more. While it’s not confirmed as to whether or not Gardner is a hotbed of paranormal activity, the police there did have a good sense of humor about the pictures.

“We would like to sincerely thank the persons responsible as it made our day when we pulled up what we expected to be hundreds of pictures of coyotes, foxes and raccoons,” Gardner Police Department wrote on Facebook.

“Thank you to the citizens who noticed the cameras. Your effort and sense of humor is greatly appreciated as it made our day.”