I didn’t jump to post the results for a particular reason, it took me a week to leave my bedroom. The impossible happened. The Miami Carlins were knocked out of the playoffs in the first round by Team Gold. The score of the game, 324-290.

The final awards for this week look like this. Player of the Week goes to Jayson Werth with 29 points. Disappointment of the Week goes to Mike Minor with 3 points. Enemy of the Week goes to Josh Donaldson with 37 points.

There was only one other game this week that mattered, my dad Team Boyle against Stone Cold. Miraculously, Team Boyle pulled out the victory. Even better, Team Boyle in Round 2 is headed toward victory against Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages. Their final score was 323-284. Imagine if my dad and I switched opponents. He would have just barely lost and I would have still been playing ball, actually winning too because JDVS is really getting their asses handed to them.

In Atlanta Slaves’ news…my minor league team has made it to the finals. Currently losing by a bit, the score is still pretty close in many categories. It’s going to come down to the wire for sure.

Next post, I will award the Miami Carlins postseason awards. I could wait until the end of the playoffs, but I know I will be so sad to see my dad beat everyone that I will lose the desire.

The final ruling came down and Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages was given the win over the Houston Asterisks instead of the tie. It doesn’t matter. I still say they engage in incestuous activities. They manage a fantasy baseball team together. That’s weird.

We enter Sunday with the Miami Carlins trailing the Bosom Buddies 310-286. Matt Garza pitches for Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages and Mike Minor makes the final start for the Miami Carlins. The Carlins are going to have to make up a lot of points offensively to overtake JDVS and pick up the win.

I also wanted to do a brief list here of 10 things two men should never do together without raising an eyebrow, inspired by running a fantasy baseball team.

The Miami Carlins picked up some ground yesterday, but it’s still a high ladder left to climb. At the end of the day the score got to 246-199 in favor of Cecil Cantrell.

Both teams will be using their final start today too. The Miami Carlins send Mike Minor against the Miami Marlins while Cecil Cantrell will pitch Jeremy Hellickson against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Hellickson has gotten negative points his last two outings and Mike Minor has been solid most of the season.

“I’m glad the coach calls me solid,” said Minor after reading the above. “I’ve heard some players compared to liquid or gas, or even worse, plasma. It’s nice to know that I am one of the few solid ones in the coach’s eye.”

(Mike Minor looking solid as ever)

The Miami Carlins need a huge day from their offense today. The struggles cannot be blamed on any one player, although a lot of fingers have been pointed at Allen Craig who hasn’t contributed any points yet this week. The biggest change this week though comes after the suspensions of Nelson Cruz and Jhonny Peralta. This has opened up a near permanent spot in the lineup for Jayson Werth who is quietly having a great season. Still, there is the open utility spot that has yet to be solidified by anyone in particular.

“The coach called [Minor] solid so maybe he will be the one to solidify the position? I don’t know. I’m new here.” said shortstop Jose Iglesias who has been splitting time with Starlin Castro.

The only other position that has turned into a platoon is catcher. Carlos Santana has been playing poorly lately and now with Wilson Ramos on the team Santana’s playing time has gone done drastically.

“I may not be in the lineup as much as I would like,” said Santana. “But at least I share a name with a popular guitar player. Well, popular among other musicians. He’s kind of like the Spanish Slash.”

At one point during the Star Wars Trilogy, Luke Skywalker started shooting a bunch of storm troopers. These storm troopers probably had families and people who cared about them. As he killed each, he let out a wild laugh/yell. Han Solo turned to him and told him not to be so cocky. I’m in a similar position this week against my opponent Stone Cold. Tallying up Monday, Tuesday, and a few games today, the score is 86-69. Now why am I getting cocky? Because Stone Cold has used 3 of their 7 starts. The Miami Carlins haven’t used any.

The Carlin’s pitching has been inconsistent of late and I’ve been over that already. Today Matt Moore went on the disabled list which is a huge setback for the team, especially with how well he had been pitching minus his most recent start on Sunday. It looked for a while like I wouldn’t have to have a revolving door of starting pitchers, but now I am have to. Sam Dedundo of the Minnesota Twins who has been pitching well of late was signed to replace Moore in the interim. He pitches tomorrow against the Houston Astros, something that from a distance looks like a sure thing.

So why the Carlins winning by so much this week? First, Grant Balfour and Joe Nathan have made up for being so terrible last week. Second, Freddie Freeman’s two home runs yesterday. Even today Torii Hunter, while on the bench, tacked on 15 points. The Carlins by far have the best offensive team. Even with the possible loss of Jhonny Peralta and Nelson Cruz to season ending suspensions the team has Pablo Sandoval, Jayson Werth, and Torii Hunter who can easily step in, all three of whom deserve more playing time anyway.

So why has Stone Cold stunk? Okay, maybe they haven’t stunk. That’s a harsh word. Looking over their stats for this week, it’s pretty average. The big difference right now is that the Carlins have gotten 29 points from their three closers; Grant Balfour, Joe Nathan, and Jim Henderson who earned two saves yesterday.

Things can of course change. Mike Minor pitches for the Carlins tonight as does Corey Kluber making his Miami Carlins debut. As long as they pitch to their average we should be good. A bye week is really important to me right now, possibly more important than anything else. That includes life an being kind to my fellow man. I spend way too much time on this time to fail. Ugh I’m too cocky.

This epic match-up of first place teams this week has started off well for the Miami Carlins. After Day One the score was 47-41 in favor of the Carlins. After Day Two, yesterday, the score 95-84, where we remain right now. The best thing about this is that my opponent this week, Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages, have been getting more points from their starters than I have. Mike Minor only got me 14 points in a no decision and Cole Hamels added a reasonable 22 with his win. On the Jimmy Dean Vienna Sausages front, Matt Garza earned 25 points and Adam Wainwright tallied 27. The difference right now has been the two team’s offenses. The Miami Carlins have been consistent so far this week. The way I see it, as long as we can keep pace with JDVS and have a better offense, we may be able to take down their top tier pitching.

My advice to myself today is not to get ahead of myself. I was close the last time we faced each other and it all fell apart in the end. I’m hoping this time around though the results are different. I can see a Miami Carlins win this week. The way I see it, we are only about 4 wins away from clinching a playoff spot. Of course I don’t just want a playoff spot. I want to win. Going into the All-Star break with a 9-6 record would be nice. The rest of my games this season are against teams in the East Division, the division that appeared stronger at first but has since began to falter. The season marches on. I just have to take it one week at a time. Or maybe one day. Let’s stick to one at-bat.

As it should be, the Miami Carlins took the lead. The Carlins come into the weekend leading The Fuzzy Taints 180-140, with a 5-3 starts used lead. Essentially, The Fuzzy Taints are owed 20 points from two starters to even it up.

Unfortunately John Lackey once again was not used in his start yesterday and he pitched well. I say this is unfortunate because now Yu Darvish had his start pushed back to Tuesday and I had to scramble to find a 7th starter for this week. I decided to drop Neil Walker and pick up Jeremy Guthrie who pitches against the Chicago White Sox today as this 7th starter. Cole Hamels also goes today against the New York Mets. I like both of these match-ups and I’m hoping it pushes the Carlins way ahead once we run out of starts.

Yesterday’s scoring included a vintage performance from Jordan Zimmermann, a fine performance from Matt Moore, and a lackluster one from Mike Minor. The only positive from not pitching John Lackey is he wouldn’t have gotten the win because Carlins short stop Jhonny Peralta hit a 9th inning home run to help the Tigers win.

“Sure I hit it for the Tigers,” said Peralta. “I also hit it for the Carlins. Not only that, I hit it for steroid users everywhere….Awww crap.”

Jered Weaver will pitch today for The Fuzzy Taints while tomorrow it appears Francisco Liriano, Patrick Corbin, and Travis Wood will finish things off. Sunday’s scoring will all come down to the offense and closers, a less exciting way to do things, but considering the Carlins have a pretty good offense I have a good feeling.

I would not be doing my job if I didn’t mention Jayson Werth’s 4 strikeout game yesterday. With Allen Craig on the bench (he would eventually have a 2-run pinch hit), Werth got the start. Werth showed his worth when he struck out 4 times. As a Philadelphia Phillies fan, I have to hate him even more now. It’s almost as if Werth isn’t taking my fantasy baseball team seriously. Such a shame because he looks like such a serious man.