Relationship: My Problems with, Me Before You, as a Disabled Dad

Me Before You is the story of a man who after becoming a quadriplegic, finds the prospect of living with disabilities so terrible, he decides to opt for euthanasia. I would also like to add the character is wealthy because money always matters.

A little bit about me. I am a person living with cerebral palsy and, though I have the use of essentially half my body (my left side being my weaker side), through a series of life events, including simply time, my ability has declined as I’ve aged. I think this is true of all bodies; mine just seems to be wearing down a little faster.

In addition to being a disabled person, I am also a dad, a husband, a brother, uncle, friend, pastor, etc. In short, I am many things, relationally, just as we are all many things no matter the bodies in which we live.

As a final note of reference, just for the sake of comparison to the character, though my body was never nondisabled, I used to walk, play sports, ice skate adaptively, and do many other things I can no longer physically do. I now use an electric wheelchair as my primary means of mobility.

As a dad, I have lived my life similarly. I could do slightly different things with my daughter when she was born than I can do now, nine years later. For example I could get bottles, which I could still do. I could hold her when seated which I could still do, and so on. I could not, however, walk and carry her (or at least I did not feel comfortable doing so.) I never quite mastered one-handed diaper changes, and I couldn’t do some other things nondisabled parents might take for granted like lift her over my head for airplane rides or get on my knees to bathe her (though this can also be done adaptively.)

So the question is, “Did I feel left out?” The answer, “Sometimes.” But, again, why should I be different than anyone else?

No matter the body in which one lives, I don’t believe that any of us can avail ourselves to every single life experience. Why? Our bodies are different. Further, we are also each restricted, to one extent or another, by time, money, location, and so on… I have never been to Paris but the movie character in question has been there. So, I believe, no matter our individual experiences, as different as they may be, life is still worth living.

Regardless of my physical body, my daughter is a better person for having me in her life just as I am better for having her in my life. The same is the true of my wife, my other family members, my friends, etc. You see, I believe true life is not value defined by the body. Instead, life is defined and best valued by relationships.

If I, as the character did, had another person profess love for me but still said, “But, I can’t do…” and kill myself, I hurt not just me but the people who care for me. As a dad, I think mostly of my daughter. I would have missed out on so many things if I defined myself by my limitations and so would’ve she.

We would have missed out on our adaptive peek-a-boo games where she would crouch down under her crib rail and I would say, “Where did Peanut go?” to which she would pop up every time gleefully and I would exclaim, “There she is!”

We would have missed out on her laying in the crook of my arm as I gently rocked her back to sleep with a bottle at night.

We would missed out on me saying, “I am daddy, that’s me. You’re Peanut, that’s you” until finally one day hearing her say her first words in the back room of my friend’s store, “Daddy”.

In short, we would have missed out on life. And, that’s my point.

The danger of movies like, Me Before You, is that they cast disabled lives as not worth living. Not only is this not true but, I would argue, all lives have value and are worthy of love. It’s for these reasons I live my life in such a way that others hear, “You are valued and you are loved.” Every single person, no matter the body in which they live, deserve this.

So let me ask, having read some of my life story, if I said, “My life is too difficult. I think I am going to end it.” Would you say, “What a romantic gesture especially since you’ll leave a substantial amount of money (in my case due to life insurance) behind for those whom you love” or would you tell me instead, “I know your life is difficult right now but I care about you as do so many others. You make my life better and given the benefit of time, distance, and perspective, I believe you will see the value of your life too because you’ll live out the value of shared relational experiences.”

That’s my problem with notions or laws surrounding assisted suicide in general. They take away the opportunity for relationship.

As for my relationship with you, whether you know me well or are just reading my words on the page, I hope our bond is now strong enough that you’ll live in solidarity with me, and those all around you, who recognize the value of you in their lives.

As for my daughter, she tells people, “He’s just my dad” and for that relationship I am eternally grateful.

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About Chris Wylie

Rev. Christopher Wylie is an ordained United Methodist Elder serving and living outside of Buffalo, NY. In addition to his day to day local church duties, he is an active advocate for the full inclusion of people living with disabilities, having served as past chair of the Disability Concerns Team along with many other current and former roles within the Upper New York Conference of the United Methodist Church. As a person living with cerebral palsy, he is passionate about the radical inclusion of all people no matter the bodies in which they live.

More posts can be read on his blog, crippastor.wordpress.com, where he writes primarily about matters of faith, disability, and often the intersection between the two.

Reader Interactions

Comments

This is a most beautiful response to the dangerous and hurtful message of Me Before You. I only know you through these words, but you effectively forged the solidarity we can both now feel in valuing each other. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Good words Pastor Chris and I really like that happy picture of you! I believe in life and living and that all lives matter. You are doing such a good job being who God created you to be and touching the lives of those who are privileged to know you. I am Blessed to be included in that circle!

Sometimes shedding light on the negative has the effect of people thinking of the positive. I loved the book Me Before you, not because will traynor ended his life but because it showed me that if this were to happen to me, I would never chose the easy way out. I would never chose to end my life and end my relationship with other people and potential relationaship that I may have. So yes the story Jojo Moyes wrote affected in a positive way . It showed us that some people are too blind or to far gone to understand their importance in life but that people are important and Life is precious. this exactly how I felt after reading the book.
Thank you for sharing your story with us online. I believe you family’s life and your daughter’s life is much better with you sharing it. Well I know my life is also better after reading your story . Thank you .