Hamilton Nolan

For centuries, Americans have strutted about boldly as masters of our natural domains. Forest? Clear it. River? Dam it. Lake? Drain it. Endangered species? See if it is tasty when covered in Cheez™. We have comported ourselves as gods, and expected that the rest of the world would bow to our haughty demands. So this summer, as your lawn withers and your faucets run dry and your neighbors arm themselves for the coming Water Wars, rest assured: we deserve this drought.

Based on one index, 55% of the contiguous USA is in a drought, "the largest percentage since December 1956, when 58 percent … was in moderate to extreme drought," the climate center noted.

Already "a third of the nation's corn crop has been hurt," placing America's natural diet of Corn Nuts and corn syrup in danger. We predict that once Lake Mead runs dry, the exodus from the US Southwest will cause rioting throughout California's major cities, before the most hardened survivors, having drunk the blood of their weaker neighbors for moisture, set off across the country on a last-ditch water raid towards the East Coast. We have a few months, at most. Arm yourselves, America.