Jerks of the Week - Feb. 2, 2015

Jerks of the Week: Feb. 2, 2015

JERK OF THE WEEK: Paranoia, Incest and Near-Death - All at the Gym!

I've written about countless weirdos over the years, but I think the strangest person I've ever discussed was No Space Man. If you're too lazy or fat to click the link, this gentleman was given this name because his "best friend" told him he wasn't invited to his birthday party because there was "no space" for him. I felt bad for him until I saw him zip up some little boy's jeans and ask him for his phone number a couple of months later.

The link in the prior paragraph dates back to October 2011. I'm pretty sure that's the last time I've seen him, which means I haven't been able to write about him in more than three years. That makes me a sad panda. Sure, I guess it's good if he either was arrested and imprisoned for child molestation, or happened to commit suicide because more of his friends didn't have space for him, but part of me wishes he were a free man so that I could make more Jerks of the Week entries about him.

Alas, that's not the case. No Space Man is either behind bars and getting boinked in the shower every day (not that there's anything wrong with that), or in a grave somewhere after leaping off a building, so I fear I'll never be able to feature him in Jerks of the Week ever again. It sucks, but life must go on.

I never thought I'd encounter anyone weirder than No Space Man, but that has changed. I've actually written about this individual before. I called her Homeless Clown Woman, and I described her as...

This woman was one of the most disgusting human beings I've ever seen. Her long, brown hair looked like it hadn't been washed in months. She had thick veins protruding the skin on her neck and forehead. She was wearing a purple shirt that had stains on it. And worst of all, it appeared as though a blind person put on her makeup. I wish I were joking, but there were random colors all over her face. She had lipstick on her cheek and eye shadow just above her lips. She was seriously one rubber nose short of looking like a homeless clown.

Homeless Clown Woman - whom I mistakenly called Homeless Clown Lady in a 2013 entry (I apologize) - sprayed the walls of the weight room with a water bottle. I hadn't seen her again until a trip to the gym on a recent Friday. I stepped out of the locker room and onto the pool deck when - WHAM!

Something hit me. Or rather, someone. It was Homeless Clown Woman, and she walked right into me.

"Excuse me," I said, but I didn't get a response. Homeless Clown Woman kept walking down the side of the pool. I shook off her putrid stench and walked to one end of the pool, where I stretched a bit. As I was stretching, I saw that Homeless Woman turned the corner of the pool and was heading in my direction.

I thought that was odd. Why did she walk down one side of the pool, just to come back the other direction? Why didn't she just go around the other end in the first place? Did she just want to take the scenic route?

I decided to watch what she was doing, as I was fully aware that this was making it into Jerks of the Week in one form or another. Homeless Clown Woman rounded the third corner and was now heading toward me. I held my breath so I wouldn't have to inhale her vile stench. She brushed right past me and turned the fourth corner, heading in the direction she walked in when she first bumped into me.

Homeless Clown Woman walked a lap around the pool - and for no apparent reason. She didn't fetch anything she may have forgotten. She didn't talk to anyone. She didn't check the thermometer to see how warm the pool was. She just walked around the pool. That's all she did.

Oh... AND SHE DID THIS FIVE MORE TIMES! That's right - Homeless Clown Woman walked six laps around the pool for no rhyme or reason. I understand that some people walk in the pool for exercise, but never in my life have I heard of someone walking AROUND the pool for exercise.

The thing is, this wasn't a one-time occurrence. I had finished a mile in the pool the following Monday. As I went into the warm therapy pool to relax, Homeless Clown Woman emerged from the women's locker room. Once again, she marched down one side of the pool, and then another, and another, and another, until she made a full lap. She then made a second lap, and a third...

As she approached the therapy pool for the fourth time, I decided that I'd look at her face. I knew I could blind myself, almost as if I were staring into the sun, but I just had to do it for Jerks of the Week purposes. I glanced at it. My eyes hurt a bit, but I noticed that she was beaming. She had the brightest smile I've ever seen. She appeared to be extremely happy - almost as if she was some kid riding a roller coaster or eating ice cream for the first time.

I initially thought Homeless Clown Woman was walking around the pool for exercise. She apparently was enjoying it, so I then figured that she was doing it for fun, almost as if walking around pools happened to be a hobby of hers. I then realized that neither was the case once I had a conversation with the lifeguard.

The lifeguard was checking the temperature of the therapy pool when I had to bring up Homeless Clown Woman's obsession with walking around pools. There was no one else in the therapy pool at this time, and I just had to talk to someone about this extremely weird phenomenon.

Me: What is up with this woman constantly walking around the pool?

Lifeguard: It's crazy, right!? She's here almost every day, and she keeps walking around the pool.

Me: I wonder what her deal is.

Lifeguard: I know what her deal is. I was talking to someone at the front desk about her. Apparently, she's crazy. She thinks that the government is tapping her phone and that people are out to kidnap her. She's always talking to herself, too, and sometimes she yells at people who aren't there.

Me: Holy s***.

If you think that's weird, as we were talking about Homeless Clown Woman, I spotted her doing something even more bizarre. This school takes over the main pool from 3:30 to 4:30 for swim practice. It was apparently their first practice of the season, and the woman in charge was giving out instructions. As this was going on, Homeless Clown Woman was hiding behind the column near the women's locker room. She peered around the corner of the column, looking straight at the children, almost as if she was studying them and determining whether they were the spies whom the government dispatched to kidnap her.

I haven't seen Homeless Clown Woman in the past two weeks. Whereas I don't really know what happened to No Space Man, I'm well aware of why Homeless Clown Woman hasn't shown up - it's because the pool, which she once saw as a safe haven because it was a soft spot, was now infiltrated with evil government spies - a.k.a. children taking swim lessons.

Alas, Homeless Clown Woman's joyous trips around the pool have to come an end. Poor Homeless Clown Woman. Hopefully she can find a new safe zone so she can elude the evil government once again.

Incest and Near-Death:

I just realized that "Paranoia, Incest and Near-Death" makes it seem like this is some Game of Thrones episode. That's how strange my gym is!

The following Monday was Martin Luther King Day, which meant that there were kids at the pool during normal school hours. This redheaded Russian woman showed up with two of her children. Both of them were gingers as well, with the girl being about 11 and the boy probably 2-3 years younger.

They didn't bother me during my mile because they were in the aforementioned warm therapy pool. I wanted to go in there and relax afterward, which I thought would be a problem, but they were occupying one side of it, so I didn't think it would be a big deal. Besides, this old man wearing a royal blue Speedo was also sitting on the opposite end.

I sat down across from the old man in the 2-foot pool and closed my eyes to relax. But then I heard something weird that caught my attention. It was something the little girl said to her brother.

"You're touching me under the water!"

Uhh... what? I looked at the mother for her reaction, but she was just checking her phone as she sat on the bench. She apparently took notice of what was going on minutes later. That's when the little boy mounted his sister and began humping her.

"Get off her, she your seester!" the mother yelled in her thick Russian accent.

Yeah, you stupid ginger! Just because you don't have a soul doesn't mean that you can go around committing incest!

Being called out like this in public apparently enraged the ginger boy. Minutes later, he grabbed hold of a kickboard and began bashing his sister over the head with it. The girl cried out to her mother, "Make him stop!" but this was to no avail. The mother looked at them for a few moments and then glanced down on her phone again.

I guess I can't blame this woman. It's like settling for the lesser of two evils. Seeing her son bashing his sister over the head with a tough foam board must have been a great relief compared to watching him try to bang her in public.

The two kids eventually scurried off to the lap pool, leaving just me and the old man. I once again closed my eyes for moments before I heard the Russian mother holler at the lifeguard.

"Excuse please! Excuse please! I think he's die!"

I opened my eyes and saw the Russian mother pointing at the old man. His eyes were closed, and he was hunched against the rail of the therapy pool stairs. He seriously looked like he was dead.

I nearly shat my swim trunks. Being in a pool with a corpse was not something I'd forget anytime soon. The lifeguard rushed over and shouted at the old man.

"Sir! SIR!" she yelled, but the old man didn't move at all. As a last resort, she grabbed his shoulder. His body instantly jolted. He opened his eyes, sported a confused look on his face, and asked, "Tuesday? Tuesday?" Then he shut his eyes and fell back asleep.

The lifeguard and the Russian mother appeared to be relieved. I, on the other hand, imagined the possibilities. After all, I've seen this guy in the men's locker room before. He constantly sings to himself, and when he's not doing that, he's looking at himself naked in the mirror. Once, another old guy asked him if he was measuring his wang, but he replied that he was checking to see if his stomach was shrinking because, "I wanna meet a lady."

Upon seeing this, it dawned on me that he and Homeless Clown Woman would be a perfect match. Think about it - he could sit at the dining room table, singing to himself until he falls asleep. Homeless Clown Woman, meanwhile, would do laps around the dining room table, feeling content that her new boyfriend wasn't spying on her because he was passed out.

What's sad is that this would be the most legal of gym romances we've seen. No Space Man molested kids, while a ginger boy tried to have incest with his sister. These would just be two crazy old people finding each other in their final years on this planet.

I think that's pretty sweet - despite the fact that their love affair wouldn't make for a great Game of Thrones plot.