February 2008

I found them out on our walk. I just looked up and there they were, dangling from a giant old pine, like chiming little silver bells. I plucked a few down to make a bouquet... But I must say they really were more charming, gracefully diving from the bows of that old tree. Nature always does it best.

So that is what I have for today. I do have a really good story but I'll have to save it for tomorrow. It is just to good to rush--and I don't really have the time right now, or the energy, to convey the magic.

So you can imagine my delight when I found this lovely little gal sweetly swaying against this bright blue back drop. Prettier to me than any flower.

Orange and Blue are my favorite of the contrasting colors...
Maybe that is why I love orange trees so much?
Looking up at those juicy little gems chattering away against a vibrant blue sky just makes my heart sing!
It's true I'll prove it to you...

exhibit A:
This is the orange tree I painted in Ree's Room while I was pregnant with him. I couldn't help myself I had to smoother those little oranges in orange glitter.

Exhibit B:
Here is a "Girl and her Orange Tree" painting. I had to douse this one with glitter too--this time it was the bird. I think I painted it in 2005?

I actually have plenty more orange paraphernalia but I will let you go already. 'Cause you are getting bored, orange you? mmum...Tee-he...he. Maybe more another time?

I'll start out with a picture of this awesome sunset that I got to hang out with the other night... Because I have a feeling this post is not going to be that pretty... And I would love for your time here to be worth the visit.

Trying to get back into the swing of things... I hadn't be doing this (blogging) business for all that long before our trip and returning to it after 10 + days kinda feels like starting all over.

If you know me, you know that I am not all that organized... Did I just say "not all that organized"? Wow!, That was a generous understatement. Because, quite honestly I am a mini tornado, who reaches out into thin air to grab my flying keys and swirling wallet on my way out the door- My trusty organizational system is firmly based on magic. For me if it is "misplaced", that means I know exactly where it is!

Anyway- I gently like to blame it on my crazy creative artist brain... That makes it all somewhat justifiable. And usually that is exactly what is going on. How can I hardly keep track of boring, mundane, aching details such as keys, cards, money, bills?... Yuck!

I am too busy admiring cracks and stains on the sidewalk for their composition, studying pealing paint on sun bleached wood, scoping out my route home for sparkly piles of broken auto glass, trying to remember where I saw that tree with the two leaves left on it, and wondering whether or not I'll find it again if the leaves have fallen. Figuring out what colors I used to make the color of my paint water and how I could recreate that color if I were to just use paint. Deconstructing peoples outfits to rebuild them in my mind out of bolts of antique-esque upholstery fabric and old drop clothes. Saving this art project for this medium, storing that one away for that and filing the rest in the back of my mind... Now that I am mentioning it, I am realizing that I am kinda, in a way, sorta... Organized?!?

I guess this is where I spend that organization-On lovely little paintings and things.
you can see more of them at MotherMade.org

I just keep it all inside then export it through my hands when the time is right. I have all sorts of goodies tucked away in there all neatly awaiting their turn- all assigned their specific color schemes and materials, meticulously planed out. All in some sort of order, whether it be by series or complexity of the piece and so on... The kind of attention to detail "normal" people apply to "order" and "responsibility" in their adult lives.

YES! YES!.. I do believe I have a rhyme AND a reason!.. To at lease one aspect of my life... Besides, of course the (nursery) rhyme and Ree-son of being a Mother.

I guess where I was going with this was...???

Not quite sure- Although I am pretty sure it was not solely to highlight my disorganization...
Anyway I am not. I am "Differently-Organized"

Bare with me, I am just swinging back into the ramblings... So they might be extra rambley for a while.

Since I can't take a picture of my tidy little brain, I'll leave you with this fading sunset picture taken from my porch the other night. It was amazing and lasted forever!

Reese and I were all over northern California for the past ten days. Sorry we didn't warn you before we left this space high and dry, but I kinda figured most everyone who reads this already knew where we were, we were with them.

OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY!!!!

We had so much fun... And miss you all so much already!

It was so wonderful to see all of our loved ones.
Living away from our support network has its challenges as you may have previously read on this blog and being around supportive family just makes it that much more obvious to me that I miss a village.

It is hard to have a village when we are separated by miles and miles and state lines then many more miles...

But it sure is beautiful when our family comes together. It is instant caring and involvement as a WHOLE. All the kids and adults coming together to form our little village. So much energy, joy, cooperation laughter and LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! It felt (almost) like a complete unit... Except for, of course, the absents of our Papa-Billy-Bear (but he is on board for the next trip FOR-SURE!) , together we form the truest kind of community with deep roots and even deeper laugh lines.

WHAAAAAA! I wish we were closer!!

I would love that- But we all have roots where we are and for some reason it just works out best, for our little separate families, that we all stay put...

BUT WHAT ABOUT OUR VILLAGE!
(I guess for now it'll just have to be a sparse one)

That is until you all wise up and decide to move on up here.

I didn't really have an opportunity to get any pics of the Village Magic as it occurred. I was too busy living it. So here is a painting I found in an ally next to a dumpster, in Santa Cruz while I was home. I had to take her picture seeing as how I could hardly check an eight foot painting in at baggage... And now others can be so lucky to find her. I thought of Dispatch from L.A. ,when I found her, she finds really cool street art all the time.

This was my Valentine to my dear poor husband. It is a little cloud pillow... With, rain drop hands and feet, and a little "I heart You" pillow hand off. The back unsnaps and tucked inside was this message.

I have been a little on edge lately... OK, it has been an all out Grump-Fest, sponsored by... Me! So, I made Billy an Apology in stead of a Valentine.

The constance and self sacrifice of full time momming has been wearing on me lately, and I have been less then lovely when Billy gets home at the end of each day. Usually he gets home and I head for the nearest exit (that can't feel good for him). I just don't have much left to give away. We are going through a little bit of a rough patch, me and Ree that is. I'm pretty sure that he is verging... On what? I am not quite sure of--after all, everything new that happens is a first for us both. But I think we are at the peek (or at least that is what I tell myself). He is waaaaaaaay clingy and gets Suuuper frustrated! He'll stand there at my feet repeating the same "marble-jarble-waar" (that is what we call baby talk- because it was the first distinct phrase he ever said) over and over... and over and over, the same exact set of nothing-I-understand. He is clearly saying something very deliberate... But we just can't understand each other!!! For me it is saddening and for him it is maddening! I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for him. Like being in a foreign country and you don't know the language... But here's the twist-- You rely on these foreigners for everything- you depend on these dummies (that's me) to meet your every vital need (that's him) and they don't get it... THEY, just keep feeding you bananas. So that is our current situation
(to make a short story long).

He worked on his first "masterpiece" today... Brown seems to be a popular theme these days, and that is just how this whole thing ended- In a big ol' brown out- I guess that is his style. It was hardly prettier then the ones he produces on a regular basis. How is that for supportive mom??? I just called his first piece of art "baby crap"(wince). I can't help it, I am more vain then I am sentimental and sometimes I have a hard time pretending, it just wasn't that pretty folks. Lets face it he is a 17 month old little baby who can barely use a spoon to feed himself... What did you expect, a Robin Carlisle? In any case I was thinking... Umm... Well, maybe we'll have to practice a little more before we just throw any old thing in a frame... And this one, I think he just may have scribbled
"to: Grandma" some where in that mess... Oh, yeah! There it is... Aww... How sweet!

Yep this ones going to my mom.
And we are almost done... See that green over there? Here is where we should have stopped.

As for the experience, it was AWESOME! We all had so much fun! He clearly loved the exploration of all the colors and textures of the paint. And we could not stop cracking up at the huge mess that was so quickly getting away from us.

I made it to the studio today...
Where I worked on a new group of paintings-- Love birds!

LOVE, LOVE... LOVE-BIRDIES... LA, LA, LA, LOVE BIRDS!

Ohpp, and apparently I made up a song as well... Amazing how a smidge of a break can restore one's sanity. This one is called "all you need is love". It maybe should have been called, "all you need is love... and just a little time to paint". Because boys and girls that is the truth! It really is the best medicine (for me at least) just to smear some paint around.

Make amazing art-- Sew my little heart out-- Have an all out laugh riot-- Knit even half a round on the year long hat I've been (not) working on for Reese-- The unjustified buying of clothing (for me this time!)-- Play super hotty dress up, in real clothes (ones without evidence of motherhood) involving make-up, hair products, handbags (which contents don't include diapers), wide belts, and skinny heels-- A grown-up snuggy with my husband and maybe more (wink-wink)-- Hanging out with girly pals feeding our friendships dark chocolate and laughter-- The checking off any part of any of my endless "todo" lists-- A nice long run and a hot bath... No! No! No!...N,n,n,NO!

NO... I had no energy for any of that.

Instead I fled home to an unfamiliar coffee shop across town, where I just sat in the surround sound chitter-chat of the (seemingly) baby-less young people and waited for my breath to return to a place of moderate, steady, normal--instead of short, shallow, restricted.

A little time to zone out and let the mush I call my brain settle.
I just sat there wasting time, pretending I had nothing to do and no where to be.
Not that I had much choice, even this was, perhaps, a little over exerting to my mental capabilities.
Considering my exhaustion.

Here it is, all dolled up in mud and tears, the awful truth about today.

I am going to, I think, I hope not, but I am pretty sure it is going to happen, Lose My Mind!!!!

Trapped in the house by rain and wind. No longer able to go to our favorite dining establishments-- due to a sudden on-slot of horrible public behavior, on both of our parts. First of all he has a new aversion to the highchair- His feet kick and sputter every which way but in, once I am able to finally stuff his flailing little body into the seat he starts with the grabbing-- of anything, everything, all of it! He wants the entire contents of the table in his little mitts and not to just have in his possession, but to have and then hurl... Fling and throw across the restaurant at people/targets-- once sitting peacefully enjoying delicious meals, now being hit in the side of the head with spoons, napkins, sugar packet, or worse- gobs of wet baby-slobber pancakes and scramby eggs! It is an absolute living nightmare.

We use to escape the house and go to a variety of baby friendly venues... But now we are trapped inside our home, because I don't know of any monster friendly joints in our town, nor anywhere for that matter... If you know of any, let me know would ya? He is not the only monster either, It is actually rather contagious this phenomenon of reverse exorcism--of putting the demons inside rather than pulling then out. Myself included--I have become a complete MOMster! Once doting over my little angle- I am now constantly breathing my way out of wringing his little neck, or more realistically dumping water on his head... I know it sounds awful... because it is!!!! I feel terrible about the whole thing. I would love nothing more than to go back to constantly adoring him, but these days he is driving me crazy! I wish I could be this amazing zen mama... but that would take a Buddha baby and well it is clear that those days are far behind us.

I can not believe how high this hurdle is.
I thought it was hard before, when I was trying to figure out how one just sits all day and stares at ones precious little baby... Well I figured it out now, so can we just go back there and do that again?!? please! Oh!... Have I gotten to the part where my little Hercules bites, slaps, scratches and punches me? NO? Well he does, and I don't have a single clue about how to handle this! He is so mean to me sometimes. I swear he has me in tears at least once a day... And you would think that it must be just mentally painfully, well that's true, it is... But it also actually hurts! This guy is strong! He is really strong, I have bruises and scratches and he has even drawn blood! So there is that little gem of information. Just a little Icing for my Yuckday cake.

Like I said, we are trapped inside our 560 sq. ft home, that feels like 200 sq. ft, which feels more like a boxing ring then a house to me. Anyway we are going out of our minds... board out of our gourds! Just praying for spring to spring up fast! So we can escape out into the light of day. Because it is dark in here, even with a thousand twinkly lights twinkling. And every curtain flung as far open as they are able... And lovely music trying to sing us down from out ledges... It is still so dark... AND BORING... Did I mention boring?

I just need a break... Would LOVE a break!
Honestly, I think he is just as board of me.
We need us some breaks y'alls!!

So here I am, he Finally went down for a 20? 30? 40 minute nap... Maybe even an hour????!!!!(yeah right-I'm dreaming). Any how, he is down and it's go time!

That means I am scrambling to...

Get those dished done
That laundry put away (quietly)
Maybe jot down this idea I had for an art piece (before it slips away forever)
Take a shower (at 2:00 in the afternoon)
Fill out some tax papers
Sweep the floor
Respond to 27 e-mails
Find the cord for the camera
Download the above picture
Update the MotherMade website
And post this blog

So far I have jotted down the art ideas
(for later use- Hopefully I'll get some studio time this evening)
got that picture up loaded
and written this blog...
Opp... And there he goes- He is up... And sadly, so is my time!

Having my little Baby-Angel-Monkey-Butt is truly the most incredible and motivating force I have ever known... It is also the most work and the most time consuming task??? Endeavor??? Project??? No. No. No. Responsibility? I guess that- Responsibility (though it is still understated) Ever! And those two things put together, the grand emotional heart driven passion to make art -- mixed with the scarcest of opportunities for creative follow through... I tell you, it is, at times just a little bit maddening!

I look at him and think...

I want to sew you colorful quilts and tiny little gentleman clothes.
And knit you warmth in wool & stripes.
And hand stitch out our little family life in an album illustrating each of our days.
And draw your tiny baby hands in every pose they have ever graced.
And paint an ocean in the shade of your eyes and the sand the milky color of your skin.
I want to build you cardboard castles and grand puppet theaters.
Then come up with an all star cast and do all sorts of silly voices.
I want to write you a thousand lullabies (which my singing would only butcher).
And saw your name out of sheet gold and wear it dangling over my heart.
And canvas your bedroom wall in a mural of a fruit tree that hangs heavy with glittery oranges.
And make you the hero of your own storybook, to send you on magical adventures.
I want to paint your wildest dreams, each one, as they come true.
So that I can mimic all the beauty that you make.

I want to express my love for him in a million different mediums, with every color ever made and by every art form that I push through my hands...

But that is the thing, my hands are full... Full of him usually. I have the real thing in my arms most of the time. And some times it is a struggle to see this. Or to just be there. Still. In the moment. Or charged, in the moment (as is usually the case).

I just want to run off and make him the rainbow he put inside me... To show him and the world all the love that I have. But he needs me... To act as his jungle jim, follow him up and down the sidewalk a hundred times, be his all you can eat, baby Vegas milk buffet, change his poopy diapers, read the first two pages of every book he has- before he throws them across the room, constantly shuffle danger-ables out of his hands and out of his reach... And lots and lots of hugs and kisses.

So this is how I express all of that inspiration most of the time. By being with him, caring for him, holding him... Hugs and Kisses. I am sure that this translates far more clearly to him as my all encompassing, unconditional love and adoration than, "NO! NO! NO! You can't have mommy's yarn!... She is knitting you a love plaquerd." Or, "Not now young one, We'll play later...I am writing you a great adventure!"

So for now I'll just have to sacrifice a little sleep to slowly chip away at my homemade artsy mama love notes...
And my days, they belong to him.