I Hate Multiple Sclerosis

Have you ever needed to vent off steam? Have you ever wanted to say the things that you know you’re not “supposed” to say even though they are true? Have you ever tried only to be met with an unknowing response from someone who just doesn’t get it? Have you been looking for a place where you can safely scream at multiple sclerosis without someone admonishing you for whining?

Well, then; you’re in luck. Today’s blog is just the place to let it all fly. Mom may have told us never to use the word “Hate”. Sorry mom; MS is something to hate.

I Hate Multiple Sclerosis.

I hate what is does to me, I hate what it does to my friends, I hate what it does to my family. I hate my symptoms, I hate my pall’s symptoms, I hate your symptoms. I hate that I have to explain to others my disease even when I cannot understand it myself. I hate the questions, I hate the answers, and I hate when there are no answers.

I hate that MS makes me question myself and my abilities. I hate that this morning was different than yesterday and that tomorrow will be different again.

I hate that Anyone thinks that they can understand my MS.

I hate being on meds, I hate being off meds, I hate what meds do to me, and I hate what meds don’t do for me. I hate the decision process about medications, I hate the expense of the medications I hate that there is no cure.

I hate when people lash out at those organizations who are trying to help us, I hate when organizations say they’re trying to help but fight with other organizations about who helps better and I hate that some people would rather complain about the way things are rather than get involved and help change things for the better.

I hate that sometimes hyper-sensitivity has me feeling too much and that sometimes numbness has me not feeling at all. I hate that numbers can seem as foreign as the Cyrillic alphabet and that faces and names often orbit rather than attach. I hate what MS does to my Brain and I hate what it has done to my Mind.

I hate “it could be worse. I hate that the people who say they have “cured” their MS are wrong. I hate that I have not cured my own MS. I hate that no one else has cured my MS, our MS… ALL MS!

I hate that the best I can do isn’t a fraction of what I was able to do. I hate celebrating the effort the way I used to acknowledge success. I hate having the energy of a person twice my age and I hate all the reasons I’m tired.

I hate the hopeful promises and I hate the stark reality. I hate that best-case-scenario isn’t good enough and I hate that worst-case is more than some of us can bear to think about.

I hate having the anger of a generation inside of me.

I hate that so many of us need this site because it’s one of the few places that we could even be having this kind of a conversation for fear that someone will think us pitying ourselves. Who are they? They don’t live in the shell of our former selves. You want to judge us? Walk a few paces in his leg brace, hobble around with her cane, try to get around with my forearm crutches. You think we’re doing it all wrong? You try to load a scooter into the back of a car, You rely on someone for the most intimate parts of your day. YOU DON’T KNOW US…

Anger is not a productive emotion. Hate is not a good emotion to harbor. Bottling stuff like this up can lead to 650 words of vial sputum. I do feel better, however. I invite all of you to breathe deeply and expectorate your hate for MS all over the comments section.

You’ll be surprised how much freer your next breath will feel.

By the way, I love our Life With MS Blog community. I want to make sure you all know that.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Trevis Gleason

Trevis L. Gleason is a food journalist and published author, an award-winning chef and culinary instructor who has taught at institutions such as Cornell University, New England Culinary Institute and...read more