Call Jupiter Ascending a space opera but it is not Star Wars; it’s not even Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. It’s hard to believe the creative minds behind The Matrix (1999) consider this story worth filming at all. Yet, I can believe the makers of The Matrix Revolutions (2003) would think Jupiter Ascending is worthwhile. Jupiter Ascending is anything but worthwhile; it is ridiculous. The story is eye-rolling and the action scenes are indecipherable showcasing the most fake looking special effects to come out of Hollywood in recent memory. All involved in this project should move along as if nothing happened.The Wachowskis are known for original and mind-blowing scripts. They wrote Bound (1996), The Matrix (1999), V for Vendetta (2005), and Cloud Atlas (2012). Perhaps Jupiter Ascending is their passion project; a story they are so close to they fail to recognize how derivative it is. A girl on Earth who hates her life and doesn’t realize she is really space royalty. Feuding siblings squabble over resources to maintain their youthful vigor. The hero and heroine take time during laser battles and exploding ships to sledgehammer in a romance that doesn’t come anywhere close to working.

The Wachowskis are also known for knock-out visuals and innovative camera work. Remember the first time you saw The Matrix in the theater? The wrap around camera shot pausing the action before the release of eye-popping kung-fu and slowdown ‘bullet time’ as Neo dodged ammunition on rooftops. Somehow, Jupiter Ascending’s action scenes look so fabricated you will not be surprised if you see wires and the background green screen. The studio delayed the film’s release by nine full months just so the filmmakers had more time in post-production. What could the effects have looked like when it supposed to be released last year? It looks absurd now.

Another issue concerning absurdity is the discussion of Eddie Redmayne’s (2014’s The Theory of Everything) performance. Playing the eldest son of the three siblings, Balem Abrasax, Eddie is supposedly somewhere around 50,000 years old, give or take 20 or 30 millennia. He speaks in a very low, raspy voice punctuated by loud screams of anger when his plans are routinely foiled. Redmayne’s performance reminds me of Steve Carell’s John DuPont from Foxcatcher. DuPont, leaning back saying, “I’m an ornithologist, philanthropist, and philatelist” could be Balem Abrasax warning the next stooge not to fail.

For genetic and economic reasons, everybody who is anybody in the whole universe wants to get their hands on Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis, 2013’s Blood Ties). Jupiter is a lowly paid maid, lives and works with her mother and extended Russian émigré family in Chicago, and hates her life. Poor Chicago. Routinely bulldozed in the Transformer films, it gets pulverized all over again in frenetic, incomprehensible action scenes as Jupiter’s savior, Caine Wise (Channing Tatum, 2014’s The Book of Life), zooms all over the screen in his flying shoes.

To shove in the final ingredient of any space opera, there must be a side plot romance. The Wachowskis appear to forget about it for the first 75% of the film, suddenly remember they forgot something, and then hastily throw together a hodgepodge of puppy dog eye scenes and professions of love at the most inane times. Jupiter and Caine have ample time to sort out their feelings while she navigates an intricate bureaucracy in a montage included to provide a bit of levity and show the audience even in the vast reaches of space, you still have to wait in long lines for the proper form. It reminds me of the bureaucracy schtick from Brazil (1985) or The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy (2005). The Wachowskis must be aiming for the Brazil homage since Terry Gilliam pops up in a cameo not as amusing as they think it is.

Jupiter Ascending is not Battlefield Earth horrible, but they are going to be mentioned in the same discussion of movies gone wrong. Kudos to the Wachowskis for at least attempting an original sci-fi thriller. Almost all films set in space nowadays are sequels in vast franchises without the faintest hint of anything fresh and new. Yet, just because Jupiter Ascending is new, it is far from fresh; it is merely God-awful.