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Paul Ryan Lowers the Boom on Women Wearing Sleeveless Attire: House Speaker Paul Ryan has begun vigorously enforcing rules which prohibit women from attempting to enter the Speaker’s Lobby while wearing shoulder-baring sleeveless shirts and dresses. While I’m certainly no expert on congressional matters, I’m assuming a rule like this would be enforced by the sergeant-at-arms. That said, kind of makes you wonder, isn’t there anything more important Speaker Ryan could be doing with his time – you know, like slashing funding for school lunches or cutting healthcare services to veterans and the elderly?

Trump’s Poland Speech Sounded Like Someone Reading a Wikipedia Page: Some are calling out President Donald Trump’s recent speech in Poland, which many felt sounded as if he was simply reading the country’s Wikipedia page to Poland’s own people. Well, on a positive note, at least he didn’t open with a Polish joke – you know – something like “all you Poles should be grateful you’re no longer part of Russia. Those Russian winters can be really harsh.”

Western Montana Hit With 5.8 Earthquake: A 5.8 magnitude earthquake has struck western Montana about 33 miles northwest of Helena. While geologists say earthquakes are not unusual for the area, Fox and Friends is reporting that it wasn’t actually an earthquake, but shock waves from President Trump’s bodyslam of the CNN meme finally reaching Montana.

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Trump Blames Cell Service for Failure to Call Mexico: President Donald Trump has claimed the reason he did not reach out to Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto immediately after the country’s huge, devastating earthquake was that there was no cellphone reception in Mexico. Probably just didn’t wanna pay roaming charges. Too bad he didn’t call though, because word has it that Mexico has finally decided they’ll pay for Trump’s – impeachment.

Encyclopedia Britannica To Cease Print Edition: For the first time in 244 years, the world’s most famous Encyclopedia Britannica has announced that it will no longer be making physical copies of its flagship reference books, switching to an all online service. And in an odd twist, Wikipedia announced they will be shutting down their website to concentrate on a hardcover version.

Ice Pick Used to Kill Trotsky Emerges After Decades: After disappearing from sight for more than 40 years, the bloodstained ice pick used by Stalinist assassin Jacques Mornard to kill Leon Trotsky, will soon go on public display at Washington’s International Spy Museum. Some may question whether or not the blood on the weapon is really Trotsky’s, but the museum curator told them “hey, don’t get picky.”

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