Sh-t My Dad Says

After being dumped by his longtime girlfriend, 28-year-old Justin Halpern found himself living at home with his 73-year-old dad. Sam Halpern, who is “like Socrates, but angrier, and with worse hair,” has never minced words, and when Justin moved back home, he began to record all the ridiculous things his dad said to him.

God Is Disappointed in You

God Is Disappointed in You is for people who would like to read the Bible...if it would just cut to the chase. Stripped of its arcane language and interminable passages, every book of the Bible is condensed down to its core message, in no more than a few pages each. Written by Mark Russell with cartoons by New Yorker cartoonist Shannon Wheeler, God Is Disappointed in You is a frequently hilarious, often shocking, but always accurate retelling of the Bible, including the parts selectively left out by Sunday School teachers.

The Things They Carried

Hailed by The New York Times as "a marvel of storytelling", The Things They Carried’s portrayal of the boots-on-the-ground experience of soldiers in the Vietnam War is a landmark in war writing. Now, three-time Emmy Award winner-Bryan Cranston, star of the hit TV series Breaking Bad, delivers an electrifying performance that walks the book’s hallucinatory line between reality and fiction and highlights the emotional power of the spoken word.

Locke & Key

Based on the best-selling, award-winning graphic novel series Locke & Key - written by acclaimed suspense novelist Joe Hill (NOS4A2, Horns) and illustrated by Gabriel Rodriguez - this multicast, fully dramatized audio production brings the images and words to life.

Tesser: A Dragon Among Us: A Reemergence Novel, Book 1

Imagine for a moment that you are a Dragon. A creature of unimaginable power, unending intelligence and strength, and you've just woken from 10,000 years of slumber. Worse yet, you've awoken underneath a city: Boston, an alien and strange place that defies everything you've ever known. Your last memories are of primordial forests, erupting volcanoes sculpting a developing world, faeries, witches, vampires, krakens, and monsters that feared where you turned your eyes.

From actor Cary Elwes, who played the iconic role of Westley in The Princess Bride, comes a first-person account and behind-the-scenes look at the making of the cult classic film filled with never-before-told stories, exclusive photographs, and interviews with costars Robin Wright, Wallace Shawn, Billy Crystal, Christopher Guest, and Mandy Patinkin, as well as author and screenwriter William Goldman, producer Norman Lear, and director Rob Reiner.

If one George Carlin audio is funny, then two are funnier and three must be funniest, right? That's our thinking behind this new collection. t's a HighBridge library of laugh-out-loud, award-winning recordings featuring George himself performing many of his best bits.

The Turn of the Screw

Academy Award, Golden Globe, and Emmy winner Emma Thompson lends her immense talent and experienced voice to Henry James' Gothic ghost tale, The Turn of the Screw. When a governess is hired to care for two children at a British country estate, she begins to sense an otherworldly presence around the grounds. Are they really ghosts she's seeing? Or is something far more sinister at work?

The Tales of Max Carrados

Exclusive audio collection. Eleven Max Carrados stories - narrated by national treasure Stephen Fry. Max Carrados featured in a series of mystery stories that first appeared in 1914. Carrados featured alongside Sherlock Holmes in The Strand magazine, in which they both had top billing. The character often boasted how being blind meant his other senses were heightened. This exclusive audio collection features 11 Max Carrados stories.

The Worst Class Trip Ever

In this hilarious novel, written in the voice of eighth-grader Wyatt Palmer, Dave Barry takes us on a class trip to Washington, DC. Wyatt, his best friend, Matt, and a few kids from Culver Middle School find themselves in a heap of trouble - not just with their teachers, who have long lost patience with them - but from several mysterious men they first meet on their flight to the nation's capital.

The Collectibles: The Collectibles Trilogy, Book 1

"Do what the other fella can't. Be what the other fella ain't. And then help the other fella." Joe Hart has never let go of his uncle's words. An orphan from the unspoiled Adirondack Mountains, Joe leaves his humble beginnings and goes on to distinguish himself, first as a navy submarine commander, then as an attorney unequaled in his field. But Joe's world crashes with an unexpected tragedy.

Into the Magic Shop: A Neurosurgeon’s Quest to Discover the Mysteries of the Brain and the Secrets of the Heart

Extraordinary things happen when we harness the power of both the brain and the heart. Growing up in the high desert of California, Jim Doty was poor, living with an alcoholic father and a mother chronically depressed and paralyzed by a stroke. Today he is the director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University, of which the Dalai Lama is a founding benefactor.

Dad Is Fat

In Dad is Fat, stand-up comedian Jim Gaffigan, who’s best known for his legendary riffs on Hot Pockets, bacon, manatees, and McDonald's, expresses all the joys and horrors of life with five young children - everything from cousins ("celebrities for little kids") to toddlers’ communication skills ("they always sound like they have traveled by horseback for hours to deliver important news"), to the eating habits of four-year-olds ("there is no difference between a four-year-old eating a taco and throwing a taco on the floor").

No Baggage: A Minimalist Tale of Love and Wandering

No Baggage is a memoir that will resonate with adventurers and homebodies alike - it's at once a romance, a travelogue, and a bright, modern take on the age-old questions: How do you find the courage to explore beyond your comfort zone? Can you love someone without the need for commitment or any expectations for the future?

The 4 Percent Universe: Dark Matter, Dark Energy, and the Race to Discover the Rest of Reality

Over the past few decades, a handful of scientists have been racing to explain a disturbing aspect of our universe: only four percent of it consists of the matter that makes up you, me, our books, and every star and planet. The rest is completely unknown. Richard Panek tells the dramatic story of the quest to find this “dark” matter and an even more bizarre substance called “dark energy”. This is perhaps the greatest mystery in all of science, and solving it will bring fame, funding, and certainly a Nobel Prize.

Lock In (Narrated by Wil Wheaton)

Not too long from today, a new, highly contagious virus makes its way across the globe. Most who get sick experience nothing worse than flu, fever, and headaches. But for the unlucky one percent - and nearly five million souls in the United States alone - the disease causes "Lock In": Victims fully awake and aware, but unable to move or respond to stimulus. The disease affects young, old, rich, poor, people of every color and creed. The world changes to meet the challenge.

Full Dark, No Stars

"I believe there is another man inside every man, a stranger...." writes Wilfred Leland James in the early pages of the riveting confession that makes up "1922", the first in this pitch-black quartet of mesmerizing tales from Stephen King. For James, that stranger is awakened when his wife, Arlette, proposes selling off the family homestead and moving to Omaha, setting in motion a gruesome train of murder and madness.

The Flood Girls: A Novel

This snappy, sassy redemption story set in small-town Montana is "a wild and crazy debut novel by a talented young writer" (Jackie Collins), filled with an uproarious and unforgettable cast of characters you won't want to leave behind.

Amazon Customer says:"Hated the language more than I liked the story."

Audible Editor Reviews

Why we think it's Essential - If you are at all familiar with the behavior of small children, you know that it is often torture to try to get them to sleep at night. Samuel L. Jackson names our pain with a parental performance that is as relatable and funny as it is profane. Against the backdrop of a subtle, tinkly lullaby tune, Jackson evolves from soothing to exasperated to defeated, all in a span of 6 hilarious minutes. David

Publisher's Summary

Academy Award nominee Samuel L. Jackson (Pulp Fiction) rocks this mock bedtime story, capturing a hilarious range of emotions as the voice of a father struggling to get his child to sleep.

Go the F--k to Sleep is a bedtime book for parents who live in the real world, where a few snoozing kitties and cutesy rhymes don’t always send a toddler sailing blissfully off to dreamland. California Book Award-winning author Adam Mansbach’s profane, affectionate, and radically honest verses perfectly capture the familiar - and unspoken - tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night. In the process, he opens up a conversation about parenting, granting us permission to admit our frustrations and laugh at their absurdity.

Beautiful, subversive, and pants-wettingly funny, Go the F**k to Sleep is a book for parents new, old, and expectant. Due to its explicit language, you probably should not play it for your children.

Feel free to share the link to this page with tired parents and other people who could use a good swear and a laugh.

What the Critics Say

"A children's book for grown-ups! I really did laugh out loud - hilarious!" (David Byrne, musician, father of one)

"Finally, someone tells it like it really is. This is no-guilt funny and a godsend!" (Cristina Garcia, author of The Lady Matador's Hotel, mother of one)

"The viral phenomenon comes to audio in this clever adaptation of Mansbach's "children's book for adults." NOT a family-friendly listen, this audio will have you giggling and looking around to see if anyone else heard what just came through the speakers. Samuel L. Jackson, known for his foul-mouthed onscreen characters to begin with, is a perfect choice for such a lovingly irreverent audiobook. The desperation in his voice rises as the child, who is the object of the parental pleading, refuses to cooperate. By the end, both seasoned and expectant parents will be alternating between laughing and cringing at the exasperation in Jackson's tongue-in-cheek narration. The production begins with a casual introduction from Jackson, which appears to act as an apology for what's to come, as if Jackson (and author, producers, etc.) wants to assure the listener not to worry—despite everything, we DO love our children very much. Even when they refuse to go the f--k to sleep." (AudioFile)

The actual book with its illustrations is wonderful, but on balance the audiobook is even better. The perfect emotional narration demonstrating the frustration of parents by Samuel L Jackson is the reason. Our three children are now parents in their 40s, so I have had the pleasure of observing them being exposed to the same frustrations they caused my wife and me. Life as a grandparent is wonderful!

I always knew about Audible and thought "someday I would get an account". The idea of this book read by this narrator pushed me over the edge. And it was everything I had expected.

Jackson's exasperated style expressing Mansbach's frustration could not more perfectly, or more humorously, capture that delicate, priceless moment in a parent's life when one fully grasps the phrase "parental responsibility".

OMG. My son is 23 now, and I just played this for him ... can't wait until he has one of his own! I just about wet myself when Samuel got to the movie & popcorn bit ... can't believe how many times that actually happened. And, admit it or not, this is EXACTLY what goes thru your head while you're reading (and reading, and reading, and reading...) your child -- the f@%k to sleep. Couldn't have chosen better than Samuel Jackson! (Love you Sam!)This if f%$king BEAUTIFUL!

Samuel L. Jackson is probably the only actor (possibly besides Eddie Murphy in his early years) who could get away with this. Mr. Jackson has a great voice for narration. I hope to hear his clean stuff. If profanity offends you, this short listen is NOT for you. The F-word is throughout as well as other swear words. This would be recommended for parents who can relate to reading a story at bedtime with a kid who just won't go to sleep.