Wednesday, May 21, 2014

I guess the thing is, that I never really wanted a weight-loss blog...not in so many words, anyway. ("No fear of that happening, since you never really lost weight, Tricia!" -the internet, collectively.) But somehow that's kinda what it became...because I mostly just fell in line doing what I thought what would put me in the loop and get me followers and friends and well, just people reading my blog, in general. If i was writing this for only me, I would just get a journal and not put my embarrassing stories out on the internet for all the world to see. But hey, we all want attention. But it was hard to keep writing knowing that i'd have to include a paragraph about how I fucked up again and ate too much and didn't lose weight and didn't do what I said I was going to do in the previous blogpost. Who wants to report their disappointments week after week? Not me! So I just stopped writing here...for, like, a really long time. Suffice it to say, I did not suddenly get skinny in that time. I am down about 40 pounds from the very first day I started this blog, but...that was like 47 years ago or something (give or take...)

But I kinda wanna go back to why I really REALLY started this blog in the beginning. To write about me. The real me. I don't wanna talk about dieting AT ALL. I don't want to have to report on my weight gain or loss or stalemate. Who cares? It's just a fucking number. My general concern is that people see me as MORE than my excess weight...so why did I spend so much time writing about trying to lose it??

I don't mean this as an insult to people who actually do write about their dietary trials and triumphs. If that works for you, and it helps you, then you should 100% write about it. But...it just never did for me. I've been tempted to totally scrap this blog and just start over again...which is still an option...but for now, it's not necessary. Because it doesn't really matter where i'm writing this stuff. I just need it out of my head and into some written form. So i can go back and read it and reflect on it. I recently spent several workdays very successfully avoiding work to basically read this whole thing again. Over 300 entries. Mostly about bullshit, but some of them were a real punch in the gut. Those were the ones that mattered...and they weren't the ones about how I hated myself for eating carbs. Just sayin'...

Life is still pretty boring, for the most part, but I do have some recent events to write about. Mostly I wanna self-evaluate some weird things that have happened along the way in my life. My awkward childhood, my awkward teen years, my awkward 20s, and obviously, my super awkward 30s. Harsh truths that may make you think less of me, but only if you're a judgey asshole, in which case, SCRAM.

But hey, we'll get to all that later...

In the meantime, here's an email I sent to Dina today when we were discussing the fact that I fall in love with every boy over stupid meaningless things, and...Croatians. T

On Tuesday, May 20, 2014, Patricia wrote:

Well
I didn’t live in his dorm or anything so I guess I wasn’t around it enough for
it to bother me back then. I used to have lunch with them sometimes though and
after he would eat, he would always smoke a cigarette with SUCH satisfaction
that it made me wish I wanted to be a smoker. One day I was like “I’ve never
seen anyone so satisfied with anything in their entire life as you are right
now with that cigarette.” And he was like “she is my love…” and I said “oh, to
be a cigarette.” And I felt SUPER WEIRD IMMEDIATELY because at that point I
had never told a dude that I was into him or even alluded to it due to my crippling fear of rejection…I never even flirted or anything EVER and it came
out of my mouth before I even realized and I felt this weird chill up my spine
like I had just committed some crime. He smiled and was like “you don’t have
enough evil inside to be mine.” And I was like all blushing and weird. In my
head I was like wishing I was the kinda girl that stupid lines like that didn’t
work on, but I couldn’t even kid myself into believing it wasn’t like the best
and most awkward moment of my life thus far. SAD.

We
were always competing against each other grades-wise because we were in
the same classes and both had all A’s so far. So in my psychology of business
class, the teacher was this cool old dude and he was like “for your final
paper, I’m only giving out one 100…and it goes down 5 points from there with
only one person for the top 4 grades.” So it was ON between us. So the day he
gave our papers back, my teacher was harping on and on about what a great paper
the Croatian wrote and like reading all these excerpts and stuff and I was like
“dang” but then with like 5 mins left of class, he’s like “oh…but you didn’t
get the 100, patricia did. Sorry, hers was just better” Then talked about my
paper for a few minutes. I could tell he was SO MAD at first cause of the
ol’ bait-n-switch my teacher pulled, but after class he grabbed my hand and
kissed it and bowed. I HATE HIM! for being so great and ruining me.

From: Dina

First I'm on my phone so I can't write a good reply.
Second, email yourself that. You need to save that as a blog entry
it's great