by David R. Wheeler

01/26/2014

Four things that are never funny

4. Burning the roof of your mouth with hot pizza.

I've done this several times, and I've never laughed about it. Not even once.

3. Not being able to find the cart return at Kroger

Why do all the cart returns disappear when you need them? I mean, I want to be a good person, you know? I don't want to give the cart-haulers extra work. Hey—I even worked at a grocery store in high school. I don't want to just put it on the grassy embankment.

2. Waking up to discover your pipes have frozen during a polar vortex

This has happened to me twice: Once in 2010, and once a couple days ago. Neither time could I find the humor in it.

1. The Big Bang Theory

Thursdays at 8 p.m., Americans becomes afflicted with a strange disease that causes them to turn on CBS and watch 30 minutes of the same joke over and over — the contrast between scientific guys who take everything literally and a woman who understands nuance and social graces. Also, it has a studio audience, which has been out of style for a decade, making the show even less funny. Don't they know you shouldn't have to tell your audience when to laugh? Come on, people. There are truly funny, inventive, multi-layered comedies like Parks and Recreation. As a nation, we can do better than Big Bang Theory.