Category Archives: Humor

The GOP issued a Reality TV casting call to fill a vacancy left by Donald Trump, and one proprietor answered the call. Herman Cain. Herman Cain has gone from presidential hopeful, to presidential hopeless, and that means that there is still hope for America.

Was he a qualified candidate? Are any of them qualified candidates? He spoke the language of the people he represented. Unfortunately, there is no Rosetta Stone for that language, only tattooed truck stop bathroom stalls. Not only did that qualify him as a political pundit, but, so does the mishandling of his publicpersonal life. See what I did there?

He was accused of having an extra-marital affair with Ginger White. She states that the affair lasted 13 years. I would disagree with the name, affair, that sounds very much like a marriage. In fact, that affair outlasted most marriages, making it more of a marriage than an affair. Affairs occur during weekend visits and summers. I digress.

Herman Cain disagrees. Herman Cain denies the allegations, but “13” is an awfully specific number to fabricate. I would’ve doubted her sincerity if she didn’t mention a number, but apparently, she was there with someone‘s Herman Cain for more than a decade. Maybe it is a case of mistaken identity, she meant Horatio Cain.

For those of you who are interested, understand that the #GOP presidential debates take place on television. Broadcast Television derives its revenue from ratings, ergo, the current candidates –Hermain Cain included– are a gaggle of mascots cheering for a brand of fail. That brand of fail, much like Reality TV, creates an interesting spectacle that draws even the brightest of people to the television screen. An unfortunate kind of brilliant. These debates are making tv stations a lot of money at the expense of our sanity. Their mantra? “More money, your problems.”

Until you allow the aforementioned to marinate, you will never understand how the likes of Herman Cain, Trump, Gingrich, and Bachmann can receive the opportunities that they do. Maybe the estranged Herman Cain supporters will migrate to Newt Gingrich, a kindred extra-marital spirit.
Yours Truly,

He had chiseled facial features, he displayed physical dominance over every living thing, experienced one moment of self-doubt before the final battle, possessed more intuition than the oracle whose intuition he was to depend on, screwed an un-screwable woman while poisoned & subsequently bragged about it, and he began his journey under the tutelage of an old sage named Old Man… who would enlighten the youngster as he practiced attacking things… as budding Gods do.

If you hadn’t noticed, Immortals was produced by the same producers of the movie 300. So, yes, the movie was visually stunning. Like 300, Immortals was filmed primarily in Sepia. Nobody knows why, but the 300 production team clearly has an affinity for both warfare and old-fashioned photographs.

I almost forgot to mention their obsession with masks.

Hypothetical pitch meeting:

Producer: “We’re doing another war film, it’ll be shot in Sepia again. It’ll be a historical hodgepodge, but what should the focus be?”

Head Writer: “I’m not entirely sure, but it would probably involve evil masks. The Medieval Jabawockee look worked well in 300”

Producer: “but we’ve already done that…”

Head Writer: “And people loved it.”

Producer: “………….. I like it”

Embarrassing resemblance.

Mickey Rourke (King Hyperion) plays a convincing menace, but dressing him as a Venus Flytrap diminished the villainy.

He looked like a Pokemon, which would have been genius if it were intentional.

For this overly masculine-a-movie, you would not expect for there to be so many wardrobe changes. Madonna during concert? Yes. Mickey Rourke? No. Immortals definitely had some Metrosexual Man-vogue going on, but that made it interesting.

See? King Hyperion is part Venus Flytrap, part Pokemon, and part Jabawockee. A hodgepodge of hilarity. Immortals was as unintentionally funny as it was ultra-violent and action-packed.

For instance:

The Athenian Army of 57 men faced off against King Hyperion’s army of what appeared to be 2,000,000. No big deal. Clever camera angles & film editing killed maybe 1,999,877 of them itself, leveling the playing field.

The Braveheart moment fell flat on its face. With the sudden & synchronized clanking of their armor, it turned into an Under Armor commercial. They must protect this house.

Hyperion signals for his men to charge, the Athenian Army lost all desire to fight, Theseus spoke to them, they ignored 89% of his speech, & they instantly regained the courage to fight an army that initially outnumbered them 40,000 to 1. And the rest is history….fabricated, history.

Here’s an example of how pivotal the Theseus Fog of War speech was:

Soldier: “Who are you to tell us what to do!!?”

Theseus: “I am no one to tell you what to do, I am Theseus”

Now that, is leadership.

In nearly every meeting hosted by King Hyperion, he arbitrarily killed one of his henchman for being the bearer of good news, bad news, or just news. He doesn’t like news.

Too many cuts to the Barbeque Bull. Ok, we get it, being inside of that thing sucks.

The Eagle in the movie wasn’t a symbol, it wasn’t paying homage to Falconry, the screeching Eagle shot was just there.. the entire film. Subliminal American Eagle product placement?

The preferred attack of choice was to the throat or to the inner-thigh. It was odd. Observe how many people fell prey to a well-executed throat or inner-thigh attack… In Immortals, a well-placed lower-inner-thigh attack was like a Halo head-shot. “Lost, the lead. Gained, the lead”

There was an extravagant display of God-on-God violence, when Zeus slayed the disobedient Ares with an Inferno Whip. This made Theseus a believer. Sorry, zealots. He saw actual Gods, & they yelled at him. I’d be convinced too.

Athena played Mystique, from X-Men, in her first scene with Zeus. Be yourself, Athena.

To appease a mortal movie audience, they employed Spartacus: Blood and Sand-esque slow-motion fight scenes to simulate how fast Gods are, and how slow we are.

The film makers poked fun of Greece being the supposed origin of civilization, democracy, & their obsession with diplomacy with this scene:

Greek King: “Let us negotiate”

Hyperion: *Head Chop*

Greek King: “………………………….”

I strongly urge that you watch Immortals. If not for the comedic fodder, then to nourish your primitive affinity for combat. Or, in this case, Immortal Kombat.

Person: What do you mean? I’m just hanging out, you know, killing time.

Me: Right. Right, you mentioned that… I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure that time is one of the only things you can’t kill.

Person: Come’on, man. It’s just a figure of speech.

Me: I understand, but why? It makes no sense, like when people use the word literally, figuratively. You see? We should question things, because only then, will we find answers. People who believe that they can kill time, should be arrested for even trying. The only feasible attempt at murdering time, would be by taking a hammer to a watch.

Person: I’m sorry that I even mentioned it.

Me: Don’t be. There’s just this, um, universal law… it states that time is immune to idiots who think that they they can, in fact, kill it. I’m just passing a message along.

Please, share.

Like this:

We have a grand celebration coming up, Halloween! Halloween has a place deep within the recesses of World History, and a fascinating history it is. It has been linked to the ancient Roman Feast of Pomona, but it is more widely known as the descendent of Samhain (Sah-ween). Samhain is an Ancient Celtic celebration venerating the dead & disembodied

And then Christians came along, and did their “I don’t like this so I’ll just make it holy, hijack it, purify it, and deem you heathen” thing in the 7th and 9th century A.D. But hey, it was with love…? Oh, and the Irish had awesome sounding priests named Druids, who were highly intelligent and sound like that planet from Space Balls. Druidia. Well, that was my intro. Did you notice the hypertext links? Indeed. Click on those fuckers, they are to inform you.

By the way, sorry for the visual lack. I couldn’t find any picture regarding Samhain that didn’t look completely sinister.

Nevermind, Jack the Pumpkin….lan-ter-n will do?

Now, back to Halloween. Ahem.

Halloween season brings back an air of nostalgia. It is a reminder of youth, it harkens back to a time of perceived innocence (save Omen babies), and an unwelcome introduction to the cold. A cold that also invites the wind, who turned your invitation down in the summer when you could’ve actually used it.

I can’t forget the exorbitant amount of candy available during Halloween, one calender year‘s worth! We used to trick-or-treat for candy we wouldn’t eat all year, all night! Some houses would even give out real food, like hot dogs. Yes, hot dogs are food, food made from the remains of other foods. Franken-Food! I liked those residents, because they were the only houses who weren’t introducing us children to Type II Diabetes. A lot of kids, today, are this kid:

I have fond childhood memories of Halloween, but some things about a child’s Halloween have changed. Today? The parents are omnipresent, the kids are fat, their television shows are terrible which has little to do with Halloween, and they’re fat if I didn’t mention that already.

They even have a curfew to adhere to, they have approximately 36 minutes to do their trick-or-treat bidding! That would be due, in part, to heightened paranoia. Violence and burglary are the catalysts, you know, because violence is relatively new, and has only been a thing for the last two decades or so… give or take a forever.

The paranoia is denying the new kids an opportunity to enjoy what we were able to enjoy. Much like the casual police car ride home your fathers and uncles would tell you about. Eventually, they’ll just have to shoot candy at kids with arena guns to avoid any misunderstanding. You know, the guns that shoot high-powered T-Shirts at people. Ah…Parents just don’t understand.

Right on, Will Smith. That would explain your Clean Rap.

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the upcoming cold weather. Maybe I did. No matter. In the impending winter months, Halloween season can be seen as a last-ditch hail mary pass toward the end zone, where single people in ridiculous uniform can search for wintertime Rental-Counterparts. Some refer to this period in time as Cuddle Season, I don’t, but I’ll abbreviate. It is a time where people feign interest in another warm-blooded mammal, so that they stay warm and mildly entertained during Winter’s social remission. The whoring resumes in the Spring, but a Groundhog must give mankind the ok to proceed with the new season. His sun-dial keeps excellent time, and someone created this horrible folklore.

My apologies, Mr. Hog. The human race, well, they figured you would make a fine timepiece. I'm embarrassed every year, you're humiliated every year, can we call it even?...There isn't much to say.

Halloween has evolved. In some places, or many, I’m reaching for objectivity here, it morphed into some sort of patriarchal #1UP-manship. Halloween is a shadow whor-, excuse me, sexually repressed woman’s opportunity to express themselves…with little to nothing on…while using the word “Slutty” as a prefix to the costume that they’re wearing. “I would rather be naked most of the time” will masquerade under the guise of “Slutty.” The word is used as a prefix to any and every costume a woman can conceive of. For men, their costumes are a pop-culture reference that hopefully someone else gets. They perceive their costume to be a failure if nobody does. I saw a guy dress up as a Facebook Page, and he was a hit! He probably gained 13 Facebook friends by the next morning. Another impressive costume was a woman dressed up as a lamp shade and an end table, the One Night Stand.

A DOUBLE ENTENDRE! It was brilliant!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, the One Night Stand!

Costumes aren’t quite the same, and you will notice that a majority of the female population shop at what I like to call The Halloween Whore Emporium, but it is very entertaining to watch. Like the Legging Clan, who dress like Ninja Turtle Foot Soldiers.

Bumble Bee? No. -A Slutty Bumble Bee

A barrel? Nope. A Slutty barrel? The hell is that all about?

A buddy’s girlfriend told him, and I quote, “I’m going to be a Slutty Ghost for Halloween. I don’t know how its even possible, but I’m going to try.” That is alarming.

Whore-wear? I had noidea that this is what Halloween had been missing for centuries. Botox is to Hollywood, what ubiquity and scantily clad have become of Halloween. An odd injection, indeed. I enjoy Halloween, but what an interesting rendition this is. I can’t wait to partake!

When people ask me what I’m going to be for Halloween, I tell them: “The man who saved his money”, and you are going to love my costume! I am @Ironsheek, and I approve this message! HAPPY SAMHAIN!

Unless the Heisman Trophy Committee is employed by Men In Black Headquarters, I’m pretty sure they won’t be able to Memory-Wiper-Flashy-Thing us in effort to fully remove any evidence. Reggie Bush winning a Heisman is embedded in every sports fan’s Mainframe.

Expecting fans to disregard NCAA History as you “indian-give” trophies is like knocking down Auschwitz and saying “The concentration camps were study halls, not death chambers” well…um, not quite, but you get my point.

With Reggie Bush forfeiting the Heisman Trophy and the Heisman Committee forfeiting their logic, who is the biggest loser? The people who believe in a Football Oscar? Oh, the Vanity! I didn’t know that a 1996 Chevy was considered a performance enhancing drug. They injected useless material with “value” (heisman) and took it away, giving the impression that it mattered. He’ll replace the Heisman with his Super Bowl Ring. You can entertain the fiasco if you’d like to but know this, that’s all it is.Entertainment.

In unrelated but related news……………

There have been a rash of airplane crashes and misfortunes. One airplane crashed in Venezuela with 47 passengers aboard, about half of them died. Another plane crashed in Japan, death happened. An American Pilot was even arrested by Dutch Police because he was intoxicated and trying to pilot a passenger plane.

So far, it seems as if more planes have crashed in 2010, than have safely landed in 2010. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy flying on airplanes, I just don’t like crashing Kitty Hawk planes. Surviving an auto accident at 32 mph is possible… Surviving a plane crash moving at Mach-1 is tough unless you can Capri-Sun yourself into a liquid or something (My references are insane, I know)… Sooooo after two plane crashes within the last two or three days and a drunken pilot detainment in Amsterdam, who wants to fly Air Travolta??? In lieu of all the airplane crashes, I prefer Airplanes with “Wings”… I am @Ironsheek. Follow me.