When Life Imitates Art

Good day. I am Ludwig and I have come to live with Frau Amy and Fraulein Xena at this glorious cathedral of Heilige Luke. During the night when no one else is here I am guarding this valuable printing machine of Frau Amy. Today, however, I decided it was time to meet the little Prinzessin Xena.

Greetings, Prinzessin Xena. Herr Ludwig at your service.

Mommy! What or who is this?

But I told you, Fraulein, it is I, Ludwig.

Who are you really? Why do you talk funny? Why are you in my office? Sprechen!

You are even more beautiful from here, young Welpe. Ich liebe dich.

Come closer, lover boy….

…gotcha!

After a narrow rescue from a potentially deadly encounter, Ludwig has wisely determined it is best to admire the Frauline from afar.

Of all the humiliating things to happen in life…I’ve been “on my period” for over a week. It sucks. I hate my diapers.

Mommy says I am a big girl now, but these make me feel like a baby again. And not in a good way. I never had to wear these things when I was a baby.

Mommy got me what she calls “big girl panties.” I think that’s a fancy name for washable diapers. She has to safety pin them to my shirt so they don’t slide off. It’s ’cause I’ve got a stubby little tail like Angel Lexi, so there’s nothing to keep them in place but a pin and a prayer. Mommy even stuck me with the pin last night. Was it my fault I was moving around trying to see what she was doing? Now I know why she says, “Ow!” a lot when she changes me.

And to make things worse, I’ve had the squirts since Saturday. I feel lousy. I can’t make it outside in time so I have quit even trying. Then I have to get my bummie washed and a clean diapie on. And sometimes the nasty stuff squirts out of the diapy hole where my tail is supposed to be. It’s all very icky.

Since my period started, I don’t take my toys out to the hallway at work anymore. I don’t go to Miss Beth to get baby-held anymore. I don’t even play with Lucy anymore. I understand (sorta) that this misery will make the hormones do their job in making my bones good and other things like that. She says I only have a few more days of feeling down, of my emotions going crazy. I wonder if she has ever been through this.

Xena: Oh. My. Dog. So that’s why you gave me this scarf that says Paris all over it. Quick, take my picture in front of that pointy thing, or nobody is going to believe this.

Mom: Don’t you want to get closer?

Xena: Nope. This is close enough. It’s big and pointy and I’m not sure if it would hurt me. *click*

Mom: How about this, Xena? It’s not as big and it sure isn’t pointy.

Xena: But what is it?

Mom: It’s a national monument, and it’s called the Arc de Triomphe. Napoleon, the French Emperor, had the Arc built over 200 years ago . He wanted to honor the Grande Armee, the name of the French army at that time. The Grande Armee had conquered most of Europe and was then considered invincible. In other words, no one could beat them at war.

Xena: Really? The words just sort of came out. Did it sound ok? Could you understand me?

Mom: Certainement! How about if we go up to montmartre. Are you ready for lots of outside stair steps, like over 300?

Xena: Race you!

Mom: *pant pant* Here is one of the most famous cathedrals in all the world. It is called *pant pant* Sacré-Cœur, or *pant pant* Sacred Heart.

Xena: Ohhhh, let’s go inside.

Mom: Well, if they’ll let us.

Xena: I’m the church puppy. Of course they will let us!

See, I told you they would let us in. My, this is so, so big! Does God live in here?

Mom: No, sweetie. God lives in you and me and all of his creatures. People come to places like this to worship God together, and to feel his love and his presence within themselves. God is the goodness glue that holds all of the universe together.

Xena: Do you mean the Methodists, Mommy? Cause that’s the only church I’ve been to.

Mom: Not just the Methodists, Xe Xe. God loves everyone: all Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, people of all faiths, and even people who don’t have their own faith. We are all his Valentines and he loves us all.

Xena: Happy Valentine’s Day, God!!

Mom: *smile* Let’s look around, precious girl. Do you see all the little alcoves off of the nave?

Xena: What’s a nave, Mommy?

Mom: It’s another word for a sanctuary, like we have at work at St. Luke. Anyhow, two hundred years ago when France had kings and queens and other aristocracy, those families paid the Catholic Church to have their own little chapels to worship in, right there off of the main cathedral. They could also pay to have a crypt where they would be buried after they died.

Xena: Ewwww. Do you mean someone dead is in that box? Ewwww.

Mom: Uh, maybe we should look around outside some more in montemartre…

Just when I was feeling really low ’cause of my (ex)boyfriend skipping out on me, a very handsome kittie with a heart as big as Texas (or Canada) put a smile on my face and wag in my tail. Purrince Siddhartha Henry sent me my first ever Valentine’s Day Card.

Yes! I will be your Valentine, Siddhartha Henry. (I think that will make me your Purrincess for the day.)

Hi friends! I’ve been gone away all weekend with my Mommy. Did you miss me? We went to visit with Auntie Jen and Uncle Bill and my cousins Piper and Ella. Ella remembered me!

Xena! You’re here!

Ella is a great sister to Piper. Since his eyes don’t work anymore, he can get lost when he’s out in the big fenced back yard. So Ella goes out and helps him find his way back to the door. She’s Piper’s seeing eye dog! When she isn’t helping Piper, she likes to watch TV, especially the sports stuff.

I think they called that play wrong.

At first I didn’t recognize Piper. He sleeps a whole lot now (he’s 14 years old) and his beard gets all matted, so Auntie Jen cut it off. Ever wonder what a schnauzer would look like without a beard?

I can’t tell who’s there. Say something.

Yep, well, Piper also gets cold real easy ’cause – according to Mommy – he doesn’t have any meat on his bones. Isn’t that a funny thing to say? So me and Ella went with Mommy and Auntie Jen to the Co Pet Place in search of a new sweater for Piper. I saw a dog coming out as we were going in so I started to bark and I barked the whole way going in and I barked inside, too. I was screaming “Beware! The Schnauzer Warrior Princess is here!” Soon I found out that I was to be the model, er fitter, er ummm, sir-eee-gut for Piper. How it worked was whenever Mommy found something that she thought would work well for Pipie (I like to call my cuz Pipie), she would try it on me and if it was a little big on me, she knew it would fit him. ‘For too long, Mommy and Auntie Jen found matching hoodies for Pipie and Ella and a new toy for Ella ’cause she was so good getting her nails cut at the Co Pet Place. No, I didn’t get anything, but I really didn’t mind this time.

‘For too long, we got back to Ella’s house and my cousins got to try on their new hoodies. Since Piper can’t see anymore, I guess it didn’t matter that the hoodie fell down over his eyes.

Piper said he at least needed to hear, so his Mommy helped him out with that.

Actually, Ella’s came down over her eyes too.

I suppose that’s why she kept squeaking her new Valentine’s bear and didn’t see that it was drawing someone who wanted her stuffie.

In the meantime, my Auntie Jen was making weird beeping sounds and laughing. I think it had something to do with the new hoodies. Then this happened.

Mom! Piper has my new stuffie!

Turns out Pipie just wanted to check out what was squeaking and Ella soon had her stuffie back. We had a great time, except for one yuckie incident, which Mommy will tell you about another time.

I am Xena the Schnauzer Warrior Princess telling it like it is at the Co Pet Store.

This week, Andrew brought Riley over to spend the day with me. I think Andrew saw what I wrote about missing Riley, so he left him for the afternoon and evening to visit. I was pretty excited to see my guy.

Riley didn’t seem as happy to see me, though. All he wanted to do was chew on my bully horn…the one I got for Christmas.

When it got to be bedtime, I didn’t stay in the library with him like I usually do. I lifted my head and went to bed with Mom and Dad.

When it’s over, it’s over. Dad gives Mom red wine and chocolate when she’s sad or upset. Maybe I can get in on that program. For now, I think I’ll just stand in this sunbeam.

I’ve had what Mom calls the doldrums since my Riley left. I haven’t seen or heard from him for at least 87 days. Him and Andrew went away and their room is cleaned out and I can’t even smell him anymore. This is the last I saw of him, walking away from me.

I sure do miss my Riley, but Mom says I need to move on. She says there’s plenty more dogs where he came from. In other words, she explained, he’s not the only dog on the block. I think she’s trying to tell me that I could have another boyfriend if I wanted.

I’m feeling pretty low, and I know Valentine’s Day is next week. (I’m available).

A little bit about me:

I don’t hunt cause the guns would scare me but I sure can chase a squirrel faster than lightening. I’ve never had a chance to go fishing but I bet I would like it ’cause I love to splash in puddles. I’m a play puppy and a cuddler. I never want to fight or have anyone mad at me. I am OK sharing my food and water. I am a svelt 56 pounds (and large chested). All I really need is love and attention and to be treated well, and I will be yours forever. So, does anyone want to be my boyfriend? At least for this month?

When Mommy adopted me I appeared to be a black and silver schnauzer, just like Angel Lexi. Mommy knew I was really a “salt and pepper,” but I still had my puppy coloring. I keep getting more white in my hair just like Mommy. Now I have a 3 inch wide strip of black down my back, which keeps getting narrower. Can you see it?and

One of my blogging friends told me I did the right thing putting my stink on my new bed. Once my stink is on it, it is mine! With that in mind, I decided to get as much of my stink on the bed of He-Who-No-Longer-Exists as I could. Besides, he’s been gone about 87 days and I think by law he has forfeited his right to this bed. Maybe Frankie or Ernie could tell me for sure.

Mommy found Angel Lexi’s other shirt – she only had two shirts and a hoodie because of how much she hated clothes – and tried it on me. It’s the tiniest bit too big, but I have been wearing it anyhow. Maybe I will get more inspiration from Angel Lexi that way – or maybe she is just laughing at me! Can you read it? It says Life Is Short Bite Hard. BOL!

I’m not too picky about where I sleep. At home, I especially like the living room couch.

Lucy likes to curl up on the loveseat, across from the big couch. I think it’s ’cause that’s where Mom sits most of the time.
My next favorite place is in one of Riley’s beds. Maybe some day I will grow big enough to fill it up.
Last night Daddy was working on his computer at the kitchen counter. His coat fell on the floor, and it looked like a good place to snuggle so that I could be near him. I don’t get to see my Daddy very much ’cause we work at different places, and I miss him.

Riley likes to sleep on the orange chair in the living room. Daddy says it used to belong to my Auntie Jen, but now Riley has claimed it. They are almost the same color, te, he.

I haven’t seen Riley for a long time. Mommy said that him and Andrew are moving out. Riley will take his beds with him, so I won’t have anywhere left to sleep! Well, Mommy realized the same thing when we went to the Smart Pet Place on Lucy’s birthday. When we walked in the door, there was a great big bin with 87 dog beds, all in my exact size, and they were marked down to eight dollars. Mommy said that was a great deal and grabbed one as we were going through the line to pay for all of Lucy’s goodies. I refused to use it for a few days. I think I was in denial about losing Riley’s beds Riley moving out. But now I really like my new bed and sleep most of the night in it. A blanket and a squeaky bone toy that matches the bed all came with it. Sometimes I drag the blanket around the house with me. The bed and blanket are starting to smell like me, a good smell, not a new-from-the-store smell.

Did I tell you it did something called snow here on Tuesday? We left work early before the white stuff started falling out of the sky.

It’s time to go home already? I haven’t had my lunch!

Later, when me and Lucy went outside to potty, there was snow all over the ground. I didn’t like it much, but I did what I had to and went back in the house. Lucy had seen snow when she went to Ill in Noise with Daddy over Christmas. She didn’t seem to like it much either.

“What the dog is this stuff? Oh yeah, I remember now.”

“Let me in! It’s not supposed to do this here.”

The next morning we went to work late, so Mommy used the time to make me another shirt just like the first one, but it’s a large instead of a medium. She’s gotten faster, too. The first one took 3 1/2 hours. This one only took about 1 1/2 hours! I am wearing it in the picture of me (at the top).

Mommy didn’t want the Looster to be jealous of all my fine new clothes, but she can’t find a pattern big enough for her. Instead, she ordered her a new coat from Mrs. Amazon. It is a late birthday present, since the Smart Pet place didn’t have any to fit her, either.

It’s got snaps underneath and the big fleece collar is her hood that snaps on and off. It will keep her warm when it gets cold outside again. Maybe she will stop pulling my sweater off me now!

Finally, here’s my surprise…my new bedtime equipment:

This is what’s called a game-changer. Or steps. They used to belong to Angel Lexi, but that’s me on them now. I don’t have to wake Dad up to put me back in bed anymore. I go zoom! up and down so fast, maybe it is part of my super powers!

First, before I say anything else, I want to tell you about a wonderful new device Mom gave me that has changed my life…well, at least my night. But Mom has been remiss in taking pictures, so she says I need to wait to say more. *whine* Soon, I promise.

Three times a week my day starts out the same as any other day – you know, out to potty, in the kitchen to eat brekkies, out to potty. But that is where it takes a turn. I get my face – and sometimes all of me – washed. And brushed. And get one of my cuteness walking vests on. Then I get in the car and shake most of the way to the church. I’m still working on that bravery thing.

Once at work, there is the obligatory greeting people and deciding if I should wag, growl, bark or hide. Sometimes Miss Beth comes in and puppy holds me. It has become our “thing.” Have I mentioned that I love Miss Beth? I would like to take her home with me, but she says, “No thank you, I have my own home.”

Every day I carry my work equipment to the hallway outside our office. From there I can better see everyone coming and going.

By mistake I followed Mommy downstairs to the Parents’ Day Out area. There were lots of little people there, and one wanted to pet me. I tried to flee back to my office, but before I could get away, Mommy picked me up and let the girl pet my back. It didn’t hurt, but I still don’t trust them.

Sometimes Mommy moves all my work equipment back to my bed. By the end of the week I am exhausted.

I rest on the way home, and spend time with Lucy until it is time for Daddy to get home.

Hi friends, this is Lucy. First, a big thank you to everyone who wished me a good birthday and Gotcha Day. Your wishes worked! We all went to the Smart Pet Store and I got petted by lots of people. One of the workers knelt down to adjust my harness and I gave her lots of sloppy kisses on her mouth. When we got home, Mom put my new collar on me and gave me my cow ear. I never had one before, but I can tell you this: no way was I sharing this yummy goodness with Xena!

Mommy got me two cow ears, yes, two, just for me. She put one away “for later.” Can you see my pretty new collar? The brown background matches my furs and the dots are bright and cheery, just like me. Mom put extra deer meat in my bowl at supper, and my tummy was full and happy when I went to bed to sleep between my Mom and Dad.

Xena wanted to show everyone her new jammies that our Mom made. My nose is in the picture, so I said it was ok.

Mom told Xena to “say cheese,” and Xena said she never gets any cheese.

Xena has some more news that I told her will have to wait until it’s her turn to write a blog. It’s a sunny 40 degrees (4 C) outside and I am going out to play in the yard now. I think I will roll Xena in the dirt and leaves – she likes that!

Today is my Gotcha Day! I’ve been here with my Mom and Dad for one whole year. It’s also the day Mom and Dad are celebrating my birthday. So far all I’ve gotten is a late breakfast and left home alone. Hey, maybe they went out to get me something special!

When Mom brought me home from Food City Grocery that first day in the truck, Dad asked if I she found me in the dog food isle. Mom said, “Don’t worry, we’re not keeping her.” And Dad laughed and said, “Where have I heard that before?” (meaning when Mom brought home Riley). Dad’s birthday is tomorrow and he says I’m the best birthday present she could have given him. Anyhoo, if you want to read more about me and about my first gotcha day just click this link that is also at the top of our blog. Since I’m only two years old today, the page you go to isn’t very long. I’ll be adding more later, I hope.

I told Mommy my jammies are getting too small. Daddy said I am just getting too big. Huh? Anyhoo, Daddy went to work and Mommy shut me in the bathroom all by myself except for my bed and my bully horn and my Christmas reindeer, and went shopping. I thought that was strange since I always go to the store to try on my clothes. Except for the last sweater she bought me at a stupid store that doesn’t allow dogs, but I like my sweater.

When she got home the first thing she did after putting away our new meat and taking me and the Looster (he, he, do you like my new nickname for Lucy?) for a walk, was to open up all this paper and cloth and lay it out on the kitchen counter.

Mommy said she got something called a pattern so she could make me lots of new clothes. Woo hoo! Some of the paper pattern fell on the floor, so I tried to help.

Mommy kept wrapping the paper around my neck and body. It made funny crinkly noises, but I didn’t freak and got a cookie for being a good, brave girl. 87 hours later (Mom’s note: 3 1/2 hours), I had my first new outfit. Mommy said there is enough material to make another one for when this one gets dirty. A-a-a-and, she got some really soft, cozy, warm cloth to make me jammies for the cold nights. I think she better get busy while I work on my bully horn!

Pee S: Can you see the pretty pansies she put on the back of my new shirt?

This chart comes from a full article in dogsnaturallymagazine. I try to feed as many of these different foods as possible. For us, palm fruit oil translates into coconut oil. I buy it in the biggest container I can find from Amazon.

I also avoid corn and other grains and starches in my dogs’ diet. And while feeding fish is great, the smaller the fish, the less mercury poisoning.

I recently learned that fish in dog food is not protected by the national ban on a particular preservative used in dog and cat food . This cancer-causing preservative is added right on the boat to fish destined for pet consumption.

Finally, I just found out that even my “natural, sugar-free, nothing but peanuts” peanut butter is not a good thing to feed. *sigh* Go ahead, read the article. *sigh*

So no more PB for me or Lucy or Xena. Guess I’ll check out cashew butter and almond butter. The hubby eats those because of a peanut allergy. And yes, the dogs eat healthier than I do, but I am going to try to make small changes in my diet, too. I’ve already dropped sugar (again) and have almost dropped dairy (again). There are those few pieces of leftover pizza in the fridge calling my name. I feel the physical affects of both these food types, so it’s not so hard to justify banning them from my life. Maybe I should make a policy of “if it doesn’t go in my dogs’ bowl, it doesn’t go onto my plate,” the difference being that my meat will be cooked.

So, no New Year’s Resolutions in this household…just some thoughtful changes that may be coming my way.