The Test

If we practice being a good person we will become one.

Every day is a test. Sometimes, we have only a fraction of a second to make a choice that could impact our lives forever.

It was this very predicament that haunted me one day as a senior in high school. It was the beginning of the school year and I already had senioritis. I felt done with high school and ready for college. Graduation seemed so close and yet so far away.

The year would have been perfect if the school hadn’t required us to take four years of math. It was not my favorite subject. But, being the ambitious person that I am, I was determined to do well.

My teacher called me up to her desk. She remembered that I had missed class yesterday and needed to take the make-up test. She pushed up her glasses as she told the class that she’d be right back. She motioned for me to follow. We went to the classroom next door. The room was empty except for an older math teacher who was writing equations on the chalkboard. I had never seen him before.

My teacher placed the test down on a table and asked the other math teacher to supervise me. The smell of dry erase markers filled the room. The sound of silence made me feel at peace. I was ready to take this test. The anticipation was killing me.

I looked down and started doing the problems. Question 1 was a piece of cake. Question 2 came out of the book with different numbers. But then I got to question 3.

I felt some heavy breathing over my shoulder. “Would you like me to help you?” the math teacher asked.

What was my teacher thinking? Not only did we have to do funny things with our calculators but then we had to graph the answer in number 4. I tried to do the problem maybe five or six times. I erased my work so often that the paper was starting to become thin. I resorted to crossing out and starting over but that didn’t leave much room.

I felt heavy breathing over my shoulder. It was my supervising math teacher. He looked at me and smiled.

“Would you like me to help you?” he asked.

I looked down at the paper. The answer was obviously, yes. I would have been crazy not to want him to. His plaid shirt and big glasses gave him instant great math teacher status. But the real question lingering here was whether or not it would be the right thing to do. The offer was so tempting but should I give in?

The room grew silent with just me and my thoughts. Yes, I wanted the help. In fact, I needed it desperately! This early in the year, college was still up in the air. These grades counted big time. This wasn’t just a test; it was my future itself.

Furthermore, the teacher wouldn’t get me in trouble for my taking him up on his offer. It was a safe bet. Every student’s dream is for the teacher to take the test with him. This was even better than cheating off the person’s test next to you. Who knows if they know what they are doing? Moreover, my answers wouldn’t be inconspicuously close to anyone else’s wrong answers. No one would see. No one could tell on us. No one would ever know.

I also reasoned that the purpose of school is to get an education. The teacher was here to teach and I was here to learn. Wasn’t the point of taking a class to master the material? If I didn’t understand it, shouldn’t I have someone explain it to me?

Perhaps the teacher would simply guide me to the right answer and not give it to me. That wasn’t cheating, was it?

I couldn’t think of a rational reason not to take him up on his offer, but I could think of a million reasons why I should.

I almost said “yes.” But the feelings in my heart overpowered all the reasons my intellect was giving me to accept.

This was wrong. I could feel it in my gut. I couldn’t do it even if I wanted to. And trust me, I wanted to. But my conscience wouldn’t let me. Maybe no one would ever find out but I would feel as if I cheated myself.

“No, I’m good,” I said with a fake smile. I felt like pulling him by his shirt tails as he walked away.

I’d like to tell you that I felt that what I had done was right but the more I went through the test, the more I regretted the decision. In my gut, I felt I did the right thing but I still questioned myself.

The educational system is success driven. Getting an “A” in a class is what we are congratulated for. Doing well in school is a ticket to a college education which, in turn, is a passport to a great job which leads to money, the key to survival in the modern age.

Practice doesn’t make perfect; it makes permanent.

The idea that anyone can make it by working hard is the cornerstone of the American dream. But so often, we focus so much on achievement that we forget that real success is overcoming the obstacles life places in front of us. To maximize our potential as human beings we need to be both driven and ethical.

Making a moral decision is not always easy. But in the end, we are not our degrees or our bank accounts. We are the sum of the choices we make.Practice doesn’t make perfect; it makes permanent. If we practice being a good person we will become one.

Life is not defined by what we accomplish but how we grow. It is how we deal with and overcome our struggles that truly define what type of people we are.

I don’t remember what I scored on the math test. That wasn't the real test I was taking that day. It was the test of integrity. In the end, how I did on the math test had little impact on my life. Since then I got into a great college and graduated with honors. But my conviction to do the right thing when nobody was looking taught me what type of person I choose to be. I’ve taken many tests since but looking back, this is the one of which I am most proud.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 9

(9)
devorah Gerber,
October 27, 2010 1:36 AM

A for integrity!

great article and what character you displayed! thanks so much for sharing with us, what a lesson!!!

(8)
manuel,
October 9, 2010 1:44 PM

This was defined as character

"...my conviction to do the right thing when nobody was looking taught me what type of person I choose to be.. "
When nobody is looking at you, do you go the fridge and sip a drink of Soda straight from the bottle instead of getting a glass ?

Thank you for your well written and poignant article. May your inspiration continue to inspire others.

(4)
esty heller,
October 5, 2010 7:28 AM

you won!

this is a wonderful article, and so very true. keep on scoring on all those tests!

(3)
Donna,
October 5, 2010 2:54 AM

A Little Help Is No Sin

We learn most by instruction, little by ourselves. While I applaud the determination to get the correct answer "by oneself", it is hardly a reason for guilt to submit to a little more instruction when the Teacher has seen your struggle and offered assistance. We learn absolutely nothing of our own accord. We must see examples of its working or not working before we can define a conclusion.

(2)
Chana Heller,
October 4, 2010 7:13 PM

Terrific!

There are so many real life situations like this that come up all the time where our personal integrity is at stake. Thanks Samantha for sharing how good it feels to do what we intuitively know is right! A beautiful piece.

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...