a life in progress … sans alcohol

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Happiness

I am thinking recovery is kind of like one long, slow attitude adjustment. I started out feeling really scared, hesitant, angry, and generally crappy about getting sober. I had backed myself into a corner. I HAD to do it or else the consequences would most likely be dire. That’s not the nicest place to be, as many of you know.

Over time my attitude has slowly gotten better, and I know that it will continue to improve the longer I stay sober AND work on my recovery. Being sober does wonders, but I have to keep making adjustments in order to truly be happy with my new life. I can’t force it to happen, though. It takes time, and that requires a shit ton of patience on my part. For example, one day I hope to be more social again. I HEAR that it is possible to go out and be sober, but I am just not ready yet. I have to listen to that voice of reason, as doing so has helped keep me sober for this long. It ain’t wrong, and it will tell me when I am truly ready to do certain things. Attitude is key to feeling happy and not deprived. By most accounts, as long as I work hard and STAY SOBER, it will only take a few years max to feel totally normal (or happy sober, I suppose…normal is kind of a dumb concept). A mere drop in the bucket!

In the meantime, I am focusing on the spaces between the hard times. It is getting easier, and the spaces are growing longer. Instead of focusing on the shit, I am trying to focus on the happy, fun sober times in between the bad times. The longer I stay sober and continue to work on my recovery, the bigger the spaces are.

I am here to tell you that I do in fact deserve the nicer things in life. Just because I want to be surrounded by things and people that make me happy, that are lovely and quality and nice, does not make me selfish or greedy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be comfortable. Not all the time, perhaps. But I deserve these things, just like everybody else deserves these things. We do not always get what we deserve, but we are all worthy of the very best that life has to offer.

For some reason when it comes to my own wants and needs I am perfectly content scraping the bottom of the barrel. I am uncomfortable being acknowledged. “No, don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about me. I’m sorry for taking up so much space. I don’t need anything or anybody. Everything is okay!” This is my attitude a lot of the time. Where the hell did this attitude come from? When did I start believing that wanting normal material possessions or the people around me to acknowledge certain things about my life makes me greedy and selfish? It’s not like I want a private plane and a yacht. I want a comfortably furnished home that reflects my style, quality clothing that makes me feel good about myself, and a safe car. I want people to celebrate me when it is my birthday or when I do something that I worked hard to accomplish. I have wants and needs, dammit! So do you. We all do, and they are okay to acknowledge.

Am I so afraid of being disappointed that I don’t even try to have my needs and wants met anymore? That I put them down, and by doing so put myself down? Why? Making myself small does not serve me or anybody else. It takes away from the world, in fact.

For some reason it was perfectly fine to drink all the drinks and smoke all the smokes. To engage in unhealthy relationships that made me feel bad about myself. When it comes to hurting myself I can have as much as I want. This is crazy!!

So, limiting belief, I am not listening to you anymore. I am going to acknowledge my wants and needs. I deserve good things, nice things, wonderful things. I am not selfish and greedy because of this.