Surgeon General Issues Warning About Cuban Coffee

The U.S. Surgeon General warned consumers that excessive consumption of Cuban coffee can have diverse deleterious and anomalous effects on their health. These include, but are not limited to:

Excessive energy

Difficulty falling asleep

Uncontrollable shaking

X-ray vision

Clairvoyance

Incomprehensively fast speech

“Cafecito shits”

Levitation

Burnt tongues

Chismosidad

1,000% increase in guapería

Flashbacks to past lives

Instant memorizations of Pitbull’s discography

Miamians are advised to restrict their consumption of Cuban coffee to less than one liter per day. Non-Miamians are categorically warned against any contact with cafecito, as exposure to the liquid could result in spontaneous combustion.