The Man Whisperer: A Gentle, Results-Oriented Approach to Communication

Summary

For years, "whisperers" have gotten horses, dogs, and babies to behave. Through simple rewards and punishments, they encourage positives and discourage negatives. But why is it so hard to achieve in relationships?

Enter The Man Whisperer. This modern communication guide shows you how to adopt a new style--to get what you want! Authors Donna Sozio and Samantha Brett have men eating out of their hands, and here they share their secrets. This lighthearted guide features tactics to get him to:
Text if he's going to be late (yet again!)
Put her orgasm first (without expecting "rewards")
Say the "L" word (and mean it)
Spend quality time (regardless of what game is on)
Whether in the honeymoon phase or seriously committed, this book gives you solutions to thorny problems and balances expert advice with humor and anecdotes to illustrate how to turn any guy into a well-tamed man!

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The Man Whisperer - Donna Sozio

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The Man Whisperer Method

Five steps to getting what you want from a man (every single time!)

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

— NATALIE WOOD

You can't change a man. But a man can change!

— DONNA AND SAM

What Is Man Whispering?

Man Whispering is a new way of communicating with men that makes them want to turn off the TV, tell their buddies next time! when they're invited to a poker game, and put down that beer to give you their full attention. Finally he will no longer think of you as his ball and chain. Instead, you'll become his beloved girlfriend, wife, or fiancée. He'll be genuinely excited to spend the rest of his life with you, dote on you, want to listen to you in a caring, thoughtful way!

Man Whisperer: A super-subspecies of the female gender who has learned (through trial and error) to adopt a sympathetic view of her man's motives, needs, and desires. She effectively negotiates a win-win resolution while using imperceptible key buzzwords, which inspire her man to satisfy her requests, all the while making it seem like his brilliant idea.

Learning to whisper to your man sets your relationship in the direction of love, peace, and fulfillment rather than on a path filled with frustration, mistrust, and a constant, painstaking rerun of the same old fights and disappointments. Best of all, whispering is not about manipulation, lies, or demands. Instead, it is a refined art of getting a man to do what you want him to do by getting him to think his new behavior is all his brilliant idea!

COUPLES CASE STUDY: HEIDI AND JAMES

Thirty-six-year-old Heidi has been married to James for three years. She describes her husband as useless (and isn't afraid to tell him so!). She nags him nonstop. The two of them are at each other's throats over the smallest things. In Heidi's eyes, he never seems to get off his butt to help her with the groceries or take her out for a romantic dinner. Heidi feels that most of the time he's too busy watching sports to have a heart-to-heart about how their relationship is going. And then, after sitting on the couch all night, James gets into bed, gives her leg a pat, and wants sex! Silently she's been stewing, building up resentment and harboring unspoken anger. Certainly, their relationship wasn't always this way. But over the years, Heidi has felt like they weren't equal partners and that James wasn't pulling his fair share of the weight. Heidi didn't like to nag. It didn't make her feel good. But she thought it was the only way to get James to do anything.

Because Heidi feels that she and James need to be equals in the relationship, she engages in silent scorekeeping. When the numbers aren't equal, resentments and tempers rise. In many relationships where this is the case, women don't feel appreciated because usually she's the one doing more. But what Heidi has yet to realize is that if she stops keeping score (trying to be equals) in her romantic relationship and starts whispering about her appreciation of all that her husband does (which is more than she thinks!) their relationship has the potential to become the marriage she always dreamed of.

Heidi blamed their relationship problems on the fact that they had just become too busy — she felt like they were two lonely ships passing in the night. Heidi was in a prestigious MBA program and James was up for a promotion and working overtime. Because home had become a war zone, James would hit the gym after work or go for a beer with his work buddies. To avoid conflict or feeling lonely, Heidi headed out for cocktails with the girls or zoned out at yoga. Neither one wanted to give up what felt like the only pleasure of their day to spend it with someone who was uptight, frazzled, and grumpy. Heidi longed for the days when they had what felt like electricity running through them and they could talk for hours. Now, it seemed that James didn't have two minutes and she had to fight to even get that.

One night, when James forgot to get what Heidi needed at the grocery store (again), she went right in with her usual, You never do anything for me; remind me why we are in this relationship anyway? knockout tirade. Her intent was to get James to simply pay some attention to her! Feeling neglected, Heidi barked (as she often did) at James for not listening when she asked him to do something, for not spending enough time with her, for never telling her that he loved her anymore, and for treating her like the maid rather than the hot girlfriend he romanced and married! James reacted defensively, stating that he had a lot on his mind with work and that she was always at his throat anyway so it's not like he could do anything right as it was. Why should I bother? he responded. What followed was the usual heated argument. They didn't talk for three days, sex was out of the question, and they grew more distant. James resented Heidi's silent treatment. Heidi resented that James wasn't showing her the love and affection she hoped he would. And both of them were miserable, disillusioned, and wondering what the hell was wrong with their relationship — and all of this was because of the darn groceries!

None of Heidi's unhappiness was actually because of the groceries. It was all due to the invisible, silent accounting system that she used to keep track of who was doing what in the relationship … rather than to create a complementary relationship in which they divide the tasks and each does what they do best. Certainly, Heidi could learn to whisper to her man and turn it all around. She needed to start to learn how to use a new feminine communication style that would allow her to communicate to her man in a way that he feels good responding to.

What Man Whispering Can Do for Your Relationship

Creates a dynamic team between you and your man and gives you the mentality and strength to enable you to truly believe that you can do anything together.

Makes communicating with your man seamless, easy, enjoyable, and devoid of stress — no matter what the topic or the situation.

Will create a more romantic, doting, loving man who will not be afraid to express his romantic side with you more often.

Will bring sexy back into your sex life.

No matter how distant things have become between you and your man, and no matter what stage of the relationship you are in, you hold the key to turning things around for the better.

Man Whispering in Five Easy Steps

Practicing these five simple steps will help you develop an inner awareness so that you'll be able to whisper intuitively and successfully to your man. And don't fret that you're going to have to think too hard every time you open your mouth. The process will eventually become second nature. Learning this new type of communication is part art and part science, and we'll be diving right into the biology behind it (by analyzing your man's brain in Chapter 4) so you'll understand how and why it all works. Once you get past the initial learning curve, Man Whispering will become your default communication style with your man — and you'll see his transformation to Mr. Wonderful before you know it!

Suddenly, life will seem just that much easier. You'll be pushing less, not nagging, and yet you'll get him to get more done. You'll use a different tone to get what you want, and it will seem effortless. Why? Because Man Whispering doesn't force either one of you to paddle upstream. It's a communication style that complements the natural flow between men and women and brings out the best in each.

So how do you whisper to your man? We've broken it down into five simple steps.

Step 1: Identify the Issue

Before you begin communicating with your man, you need to figure out what you want to talk about. This may sound obvious, but many women jump into conversations by talking about some insignificant, nitpicky issue rather than what's really bothering them. That tactic annoys men and doesn't get you what you want anyway! We've identified five common types of issues that women want to talk about with men and chances are, the topic on your mind falls into one of these categories:

Wanting your man to do something — e.g., walk the dog, hang out with your friends more often, clean the garage

Wanting your man to give you something — e.g., a back rub, an orgasm, a deeper commitment

Once you've identified the issue, try to understand why you want it from him. Is it simply utilitarian, like doing the dishes after dinner because that's a chore you really hate? Or does it run deeper — you want him to do the dishes because you currently do everything and are feeling underappreciated as a result? Once you pinpoint the underlying emotional need for your request, you will be more able to communicate it and find just the right words to whisper.

Step 2: Pose the Issue Effectively

Once you identify what you desire and why you want it, the next step is to phrase it to your man in a way that is a request, observation, or question with a benefit that guides and inspires him to take action. Make sure to let him know what's in it for him (the benefit) …. and most often, that in itself is enough to get him to act. It's important to note that this isn't bribery. It's simply reminding him that when you're happy … he's happy. Whispering to your man is always win/win!

Make sure that the benefits you add into your Man Whispering formula are the things that motivate men: food, peace and quiet, a hall pass to bond with his buddies, shiny new objects, and sex.

ALERT! Forget about Hints

Whispering is not about dropping hints and then getting frustrated when men can't read your mind. This is a mind reading — free zone!

Here are some examples of how to phrase a request:

Would you (insert intended action) … + the benefit?

Would you mind (insert intended action) … + the benefit?

What do you think about (insert intended action/ request/desire) … + the benefit?

I was hoping that (insert intended action/request/ desire) … + the benefit.

I would love if (insert intended action) … + the benefit.

I would very much like (insert need/request/desire) … + the benefit.

What about (insert intended action) or (insert need/ request/desire) … + the benefit?

How about (insert intended action) or (insert need/ request/desire) … + the benefit?

Here's the difference between Man Whispering … and not:

How about going to (intended action) our favorite Italian place tonight? I know you love the rigatoni with cream sauce they have …Not … You never take me out for dinner, you cheapskate!

How about getting down and doing the dirty tonight?Not … You're always too tired for sex. What's wrong with you?!

Babe, I'm in a party mood (observation). How about I put on a sexy outfit (benefit for him) and we go dancing (suggestion)?Not … I hate always staying at home on the couch. You suck!

How about sprucing up (request) our backyard today so you can have your friends over for a barbeque (benefit)?Not … We need to get rid of those damn weeds!

How about I pay this stack of bills and you go down on me tonight?Not … I'm sick of paying all these damn bills and I'm never satisfied in the bedroom!

Compliments Go a Long Way

Offering compliments is a great way to initiate request/benefit statements. You want to pack in as many genuine compliments and positives as you can without sounding (or feeling!)like a parrot. Many observations can serve as compliments too. A great Man Whispering combination is Compliment — Suggestion — Compliment. That way you always begin and end on a high note.

For example:

Have you been doing pushups? Your arms look so hard and amazing! (compliment) Can you use those big muscles to move my boxes of winter clothes up to the attic? (request) They're super-heavy but I know you're strong enough to carry them. (compliment)

Wow, you are so good in bed! (compliment) Oh, just a little to the left (request) … yes, that's right … you're such a natural! (compliment)

You can lead with a compliment even when your main need/ request/desire is for him to work out at the gym more because he's getting jiggly around the belly. By complimenting him on one body part, he'll want to please you by getting the others in shape as well. Likewise, by complimenting him on one room in his apartment that looks presentable and gently making an observation about the others, you'll get him to want to clean/ improve the rest!

Using Casual Observations

Besides compliments, presenting simple observations is an effective way to gently introduce a request. (Again, no nagging!) Here are some examples of observations:

Looks like (insert observation) …

Is it just me, or (insert observation) ….

Oh, your Xs are getting so Y …

That's a (insert description) …

What a (insert description) …

I've been reading about (insert need/request/desire) …

I just heard that (insert observation) …

I'm so (insert feeling) but there's no (insert observation) …

I feel like (insert need/request/desire) …

I just read an article about how eating fish is good for your health (observation). Think we should try a seafood meal once a week instead of our burger night? (request)

I just heard that a hot new tapas restaurant opened up downtown (observation). Think we should try it some-time? (request)

Looks like it's going to be a gorgeous day outside (observation). A trip to the beach might be nice. What do you think? (request)

Is it just me, or is there a really bad smell coming from the garbage bin? (observation)

Step 3: Zip It!

When there's a silence in a serious conversation with your man, do you find yourself immediately filling it with your preconceived solutions to the problem at hand? Your man's eyes probably glaze over as he tunes you out and starts rolling his eyes or glancing at the clock. It's time to start enjoying the silence as you instead embrace Step 3 of Man Whispering: Zip It!

Zipping It is a great way of saving your precious breath and leaving a little time for the man in your life to come up with a viable solution to the dilemma you presented to him. Men don't process thoughts as fast as women do (or so it seems!), and it takes them a few moments or hours to come up with a solution. To do so effectively, men need silence. Your man may even need to retreat back to his man cave for a little while — so let him.

When you leave a healthy silence (definitely no nagging!), your man will come up with the solution sooner — and chances are, you'll like it better than if you had just kept talking, talking, and talking. Little moments of silence work magic on a man. Once you make a request, stop talking. Learn to let him fill the space with a solution.

Step 4: Let Him Fix It

Men by nature are natural fixers — they generally think more systematically than women, and they like working through problems. Instead of spoon-feeding your man a solution you think would work well, let him fix whatever issue you brought up in Step 1. This allows him to feel like your knight in shining armor