Carolyn Hax: Sleepovers at daughter’s friend’s home worry mom

Dear Carolyn: One of my daughter’s new middle school friends is from a family that is clearly struggling. The girl is loved, but parents are divorced and juggling a recent death of a relative, another relative with a severe substance abuse issue, and some financial setbacks.

I recently drove the girl home and she invited me in to meet her dog. There were beer cans and cigarettes scattered about the house and yard, dishes and laundry piled high, and a few unintroduced adults wandering about. My daughter and her friend have begun to press for a sleepover at her friend’s house. I’m not comfortable with my daughter spending the night there, but not sure how to tell my daughter.

- Conflicted Mom

Your reasons for hesitating are kind and thoughtful.

They’re also just clutter.

If you had to choose, protecting your daughter’s safety or her high opinion of this family, then you’d choose safety. If you had to choose between her safety and this friendship, then you’d choose safety.

Dear Carolyn: A couple with four kids live in the house facing my backyard. This time of year, I sleep with my bedroom window open. I rarely use air conditioning. I sleep with earplugs in.

On Saturday nights or before holidays, they sit out on their backyard deck till midnight talking LOUDLY. I brought this up with the husband last summer and he told me they like to enjoy their deck and entertain.

I thought there was a law about quiet time from 9 p.m. to 7 a.m. in residential settings. How do you suggest I deal with this now that the weather has turned warmer?

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At this writing, yes, there is a local ordinance in your favor. But do you really want to be the fun police? To try (and likely fail) to stop all of 90 minutes of irritation weekly for half the year? If it were 3 a.m. and/or nightly and/or a deliberate provocation, then we’d have a different conversation. But population density requires compromise, and this one gives you seven nights of sleep, six on your terms.