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Essential romance advice for guys who want more sex

Jason and Debby Coleman are marriage mentors, speakers, and the authors of “Discovering Your Amazing Marriage” (Seraphina Press). They have survived infidelity during the first year of their marriage and have been married for over 23 years. They have four children and reside in Federal Way, WA. Visit www.youramazingmarriage.com.

You’ve given her flowers and chocolates the past several years. Afterward, you’re left scratching your head, wondering why the romantic flame is more like a Bic lighter than a blow torch.

If you’re like the majority of guys, your idea of romance is limited to red helium balloons and over-priced flower deliveries, once a year.

Trust me when I say that it doesn’t have to be that way. It shouldn’t be that way.

Romance is much more than a last-minute purchase of chocolate heart-shaped candies on the way home from work on Feb. 14.

In fact, that isn’t romance at all.

It’s crazy to think that many men only remember to buy their lover some flowers, candy, or a card once a year…and then only when the calendar tells them to.

It’s like Hallmark and Hershey’s invented this special day to boost their profits, and we all take the bait — hook, line and sinker!

If you are one of “those” guys who doesn’t know where to begin in the romance department, then this article is for you.

If you’re an average guy (and who wants to be average anyhow?), you may struggle to find the time to make your lover feel special, or you may think it’s impossible to keep her interested in sex as often as you are.

The first point can be learned. The second part, well … she will most likely never think of sex as often as you do.

But that’s OK, really. If we’re honest with ourselves men, we probably couldn’t keep up with our own sexual appetite either.

So how do you keep the romance going throughout the day, and how to you keep your relationship “fresh” and exciting throughout the year?

Here are a few tips to help you out in the romance department.

1. Define romance.

When a man uses the word "romance" he often thinks of sex, or at least activity that leads to sex.

Romance, for a man, is a three-letter word: sex.

When a woman uses the word "romance," she is thinking of roses, wine, small talk, a night without distractions, help with the kids and dishes, etc.

Romance, for a woman, is a four-letter word: time.

When I spend time with my wife, it often means more than an expensive gift I can give her.

Romance is more of an attitude or an ambiance than an activity.

Romance doesn’t necessarily lead to sex, but romance can transform average sex into explosively satisfying sex.

2. Understand the differences between a man and a woman.

Wow, as if that is easy to do. Understand that when it comes to sex, you are a microwave and she is an oven.

Guys, you and I can be ready for sex with very little notice. We are stimulated through our eyes, ears and touch and can be "ready to go" at a moment’s notice.

Punch a few of our buttons and our microwave bodies are stimulated and pulsating.

Women, on the other hand, often take more time to warm up to sex, similar to an oven.

With a few exceptions, they don’t respond as quickly as men do and their sexual arousal takes time and attention.

When you understand this, you’ll invest more time in your relationship.

3. Date night.

If you don’t date your wife, you’re missing out on an important part of your relationship.

When you were dating, you went out and spent quality time together. You went to dinner, the movies, went shopping, bowling…probably all types of different activities.

Whatever your date consisted of, it meant one thing that was more important than anything else: spending time together.

If you did all those things together before you got married, why would you stop doing them after the wedding?

Just because you now live together and spend "time" together, you need to realize it’s a vastly different type of time spent.

Plan a date night, and make it a regular part of your activities.

Most women love to dress up. Even with a tight budget you can dress up and go to a nice dinner once in a while and make her feel special.

4. It’s a mindset.

I often tell guys that sex begins in the kitchen.

Not literally having sex in the kitchen, although that could be exciting on occasion, but the idea is that for my wife to “warm up” to sex, she likes to think about it all day and she needs me to value her throughout the day.

She likes to see and hear things from me throughout the day that demonstrates my love for her. It’s an all-day process.

Many women need to prepare for sex emotionally over a period of time and often times it’s the little things you do for her that help set the mood.

5. It’s the small things that matter.

I recently went away on a two-night business trip. I left a small note and a candy bar on her pillow.

The next day, I sent her a Facebook message telling her where I had stashed a small box of chocolates for her.

I had planned ahead and had left a small treat for her on both nights.

Let me tell you, it wasn’t solely because of those little gifts I left, but when I returned from the business trip, the sex was exhilarating— for both of us!

I regularly leave little treats or notes for her and I have no idea when she will find them. Sometimes she doesn’t find them for days, and it usually catches her by surprise when she does.

Doing small acts of kindness or leaving small reminders of your love for her will help set the stage for romance and keep her thinking of you throughout the day.

Here are a few ideas:

• If she works, stop by her workplace and bring her a latte, or surprise her with lunch.

• Buy a dozen helium-filled balloons and stuff them in her car when she’s at work or at the grocery store.

• Hide a few Hershey Kisses in a box of frozen peas in the freezer.

• Write “I Love You” on the bathroom mirror with a bar of soap.

• Buy her a lottery ticket and attach a note saying “I won the lottery when I married you!”

• Write her a hand-written love letter. And mail it to her. When’s the last time you did that?

• Do all the housework for a weekend. Make her breakfast in bed and clean the house while she enjoys her coffee.

• Set up the coffee pot so it automatically brews her coffee just minutes before her morning alarm wakes her up.

• Spend time with her at a craft or trade show connected to one of her hobbies.

• Go for a drive at sunset.

• Take a walk, holding hands.

I could give you a hundred different things that you could do to make her feel special, but this short list should stimulate your ideas.

What she wants most of all from you can’t be bought. It’s free but in limited quantities.

What she wants is your time. Give her enough of your quality time, and you will be well on your way to 24/7 romance.

And who knows, your sex life may get more interesting too.

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Jason and Debby Coleman are marriage mentors, speakers, and the authors of “Discovering Your Amazing Marriage” (Seraphina Press). They have survived infidelity during the first year of their marriage and have been married for over 23 years. They have four children and reside in Federal Way, WA. Visit www.youramazingmarriage.com.

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