A quick run-down for anyone unsure of how LDM works: Four writers compete in two rounds of duel, the winners of both rounds go head-to-head in a final, non-reading competition for eternal fame and glory. Based on Literary Merit, Performance, and Intangibles, three judges decide who moves onto to the final round. Zuniga, punctual as ever, initiated the ceremonies near 7:02 P.M. with a briefer introduction to LDM than mine: “Less Hunger Games, than Alfred Lord Tennyson walking into a fireplace.” Zuniga is also a T.V. star in Ljubljana, apparently.

Matt Sumell went first, who confessed that he just wanted to “make his dad proud,” and launched into a story about “birds and rape.” I was excited to see Sumell read, and not because he was waving the EL banner. Because of these lines: “I miss my mother like it’s anaerobic.” “Dudes’ dicks are in danger, Dad, and if you don’t believe me you can get the fuck out of my bedroom.” “Sparrows are the Toyota Camry of birds.” I love a story about adolescent bravado and questionable activity spiraling towards total emotional release, and Sumell does it damn well.

1. From left: Liz Hohenadel, publicist at Riverhead Books; Brian Scott, teacher in Park Slope; and Joel Ronson, who’s in the son of that dude Jon Ronson. Is there a relation? 2. Judges Jamie Lee, Toure, and Jon Ronson discussing the finer points of Matt Sumell’s hair.

Next was Jason Diamond, who read us a story about being reminded that once, you went to college. And that college wants you to come back. “I had to lie to Google,” Diamond read, “that I wanted to see all e-mails from my alumni association.” Seeing such an e-mail reminded Diamond of his twentysomething days, milling about in Boca Raton. “This was the end of the road, believing what Boyz II Men told me… Even the Rastafarian made jokes about how much pot I was smoking.” A far cry from now: “31, married, two cats.” Diamond won’t be going to his reunion, unless Boyz II Men are there.

Jon Ronson deeply empathized with Diamond. Ronson had been thrown into a river in Cardiff when he was sixteen, and e-mailed that bully much later to tell him “I make more money than you.” (That full story appears on This American Life here).

For Toure, Diamond’s jeans were better than Matt’s. Points deducted for Diamond’s loafers.

After a break, Round Two kicked off: Maum vs. Rosenberg. Maum’s moving story, “Dispatches From the Fetal Reduction,” was told from the perspective of a “reduced” fetus (conceived with two others): “The tree house would have proved instrumental during the year I took off to support Fertinex through his crippling addiction to a particularly low-grade form of Opium known on the street as ‘Block.'”The narrator’s other sibling, Clomig, doesn’t have a brighter future. “Being absorbed back into your own mother’s body gives you a real sense of perspective: I’ve seen great things and Clomig’s future isn’t one of them.”

Next, Tina Rosenberg read a story about one Dennis Wheatley, an English spy novelist whose fictional spies became a real asset to the British war effort. “Wheatley went home with this assignment to sit down and think like a Nazi.” After 15,000 words, 200 cigarettes and three magnums of champagne Wheatley had finished one of the most important plans of the British Strategic Deception Team: the D-Day invasion. The BSDT had helped divert German attention away from the Normandy beach to another French locale, and was able to break into Nazi-occupied France. Amidst Rosenberg’s excellent German accent and singing voice, Wheatley’s story came from left field but dazzled nonetheless.

Round Two went to Courtney Maum, and the Final Round of competition kicked in: “Pin the Moustache on Ernest Hemingway.” Each writer was paired with two brave audience members to pin the moustaches of George Orwell, Salman Rushdie, William Faulkner, and others on a giant poster of Ernie while blindfolded. Diamond, hopped up on cold meds, landed Conan Doyle’s moustache firmly on the upper lip. How this happened, the LDM gods will only know. Diamond was crowned champion.

Non-fiction may have won this round of Literary Deathmatch, but the fight moves forward, and soon to TV. Todd Zuniga is on a mission to put “literature on TV, motherfuckers” with a pilot of his ever-popular reading series. He has a Kickstarter here. Insert-battle-cry-for-fiction-here.

***

—Ryan Chang [text] is Events Editor at The Outlet. His work has appeared in Vol. 1 Brooklyn, Art Faccia, and elsewhere. He tweets here and tumbles here.

—Kai Twanmoh [photos] is a sometimes contributor to Electric Dish. You can find here here.

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Electric Literature is a non-profit dedicated to amplifying the power of storytelling through digital innovation.Our mission is to ensure that literature remains a vibrant presence in popular culture by fostering digital innovation, supporting writers, building community, and broadening the audience for literary fiction.We believe the transformative experience of reading literature fosters empathy and explores the human condition like no other art form.