I have been dreading writing about these jumpsuits. Dreading. In the way that, whenever I look at them, writing this blog stops being fun and starts being a chore, because I know I have to write about these eventually. I have to; they’re too horrible not to be covered here. I’ve had these saved to my computer for at least two weeks, but I’ve avoided writing about them.

Why?

Because I don’t know what to say. They’re that horrible. Behold, and you too can lose your faith in clothing.

I’m pretty sure the only people who can wear these and have them fit properly are women on South Park.

Dissected individually …

There’s no waist. Instead, it blouses out around where one might carry a spare tire. If one doesn’t have a spare tire, by the time you’re done wearing it, you’ll have one. Then it gathers, and flares again, creating an all-around unappealing look. It appears to be ill-fitting through the legs, and that’s when it’s on a mannequin. The effect is probably not made any better on a live person.

This defies the rule that black is slimming. This is slimming only if, upon seeing yourself in it, you can’t hold down food for two weeks.

Well, it’s … roomy.

The color is awful. I can’t imagine a skin tone it would be flattering on. As a positive, it doesn’t taper into skinny legs, like the black one does. However, it does end up being puffy and ending in large cuffs, reminding you of how you’ve imprisoned yourself in a hideous jumpsuit.

I am not kidding when I say that these jumpsuits are deeply upsetting. They are being sold to the public, and I’m afraid that people are buying them. Not just buying them, but paying $160+ for them. How is this still legal?