We're parents, not friends

By Jennifer DuBose

Columnist and blogger

Got a question or concern you'd like me to address? Nothing is
off limits. If you're a parent and it's on your mind, chances are
you're not alone. Don't suffer the wonders. Send questions to [email protected].

It may be Independence Day, but our children may not be quite
ready for the independence they crave-or, perhaps, that we give
them. How much is too much?

The short answer is that it depends on your child's age,
maturity, the situation and the duration, but bear in mind that in
Illinois, 14 is the age after which a child can legally stay home
alone. This will surprise many parents, particularly those who've
grown to depend on their youngsters to "rise to the occasion" and
care for themselves-and, often, younger siblings.

Fourteen is, generally speaking, the approximate age by
which many typical children have at least an "intellectual" grasp
on the consequences of their behaviors, but this may not be enough.
After all, the frontal lobe of the brain, responsible for
reasoning, judgment and managing our impulses, is the last part of
the brain to fully develop (by the early 20s, though it's later in
males). This indisputable fact of life makes those theoretically
benign hours between the time school gets out and parents arrive
home from work, anything but.

Given this, it appears that many parents unwittingly but
effectively double-bind their children-expecting them to make adult
choices when, in fact, they may not have the equipment needed to do
so.

Studies repeatedly show that this period after the bell
rings and before parents return home-or whenever children are home
alone-is typically when otherwise intelligent kids are prone to the
most mischief (everything from making prank phone calls to
experimentation with substances and sex), and when, unfortunately,
predators-who know you're not home-are at their most active-online
and on the sidewalk.

No matter how much preparation and coaching we give our
children to manage whatever comes up, whether they're at the mall
with friends, at the skate park or simply home alone when a
stranger comes to the door, the bottom line is this: The false
sense of security we get from arming our children with cell phones
is no substitute for on-site parenting.

When things don't go according to plan-if the worst
happens-we won't get a do-over.

So we parent-or find another responsible adult who
can.

That's not to say your kid has to like it. In fact, it's
his job not to, at least so far as his friends are concerned. I'll
never forget one afternoon last summer, when my son Noah was 10. He
and his pals took a break from playing basketball in our driveway
when he asked, "Hey Mom, can we walk down to the gas station and
get a soda?" His grin told me he knew what my answer would
be.

"Nope sorry, Bud," I played along, and promptly produced a
pitcher of lemonade as he sighed and balked at the poor substitute.
I had a hunch the boys thirsted more for the freedom a journey to
the gas station would afford than the sodas themselves, and
appreciated that it was Noah's job to save face with his friends by
at least asking and expressing displeasure about my
answer.

Children need structure and in some ways even crave it,
even though they test our limits and sometimes rail against
them.

"My friends' moms aren't overprotective like you," my kids
often lament. I heard the same thing when they realized that few,
if any, of their friends are required by their parents to wear
bicycle helmets, but I'm picking my poison. "I like your brain.
Let's make sure it stays in your head," I say, and then I remind
them (sans sarcasm) that I'll happily pay for therapy should they
some day discover they need to process their experience of
childhood with "overprotective" parents. Pay now or pay later, I
figure.

That said, it is equally vital for us to encourage our
children to spread their wings when the time is right, when they
actually are ready to manage the responsibilities that come with
greater independence. We can't let our fear paralyze us so
completely that we totally squelch their natural and healthy drive
to confidently gain their autonomy, but we can take baby steps-by
sitting a few rows back at the movie theater and staying 10 paces
behind them at the mall, for example. If they make a misstep or
we've misjudged their readiness, we can always reel them back in
for a time.

This is our prerogative-our responsibility-as parents. Our
children may balk and even level an "I hate you" at us for doing
this, but remember: They already have friends. What they need from
us is parenting.

Have a question?

Got a question or concern you'd like me to address? Nothing is
off limits. If you're a parent and it's on your mind, chances are
you're not alone. Don't suffer the wonders. Send questions to [email protected].

Jennifer DuBose, M.S., C.A.S., is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Batavia.