Handling Disputes Between
Children at Meetings

At a recent Evaluation Meeting,
an incident occurred which led me to think about child abuse and how
La Leche League, by the example its mothers set, helps mothers who are
at risk for being abusive parents.

A two-and-a-half-year-old
and a five-year-old were playing quietly in the kitchen while their
mothers were involved in an Evaluation Meeting in another room. A one-year-old
wandered toward the playing children and suddenly screamed. The two-and-a-half-year-old,
not wanting the baby to get his toys, had pulled the kitchen door shut
on her arm. It was not an unusual happening given the ages of the children,
and the little one had not been hurt. However, the baby's mother, not
used to older children, rushed to her child's side, shouting at the
two-and-a-half-year-old, "I can't believe you were so mean!" The five-year-old,
fearing that the baby was hurt, yelled, "The baby's hurt. Billy hurt
the baby." The upset mother then turned to the five-year-old and said,
"You were just as bad. I can't believe you didn't stop him. You're both
so mean." The five-year-old was horrified and her mother was angry,
as she felt her daughter had been unfairly attacked by another mother.
The mother of the two-and-a-half-year-old was also upset. Her youngster
was at the stage where sharing was difficult for him, but she did not
believe in hitting or being verbally abusive.

Tempers were high. But I
found myself feeling proud of these mothers as they struggled to deal
with their angry feelings and to learn from the experience. We stopped
the Evaluation Meeting and used the time to discuss why the incident
happened, what to expect of children at different ages, and how to handle
disputes in the future. The following suggestions came out of that meeting.

1. Children can't fight
if they are not together. If space allows, keeping the little ones with
their mothers and letting the older children play in the kitchen or
family room unthreatened by toddlers is a big help in avoiding conflicts.

2. Supervision is most important
at the younger ages. Certain preschoolers may need either constant supervision
or at least occasional intervention to keep things on an even keel.
Children act out and get into difficulty when no one is paying attention
to them. They also tend to quarrel if there is nothing to do. How often
do we get involved in our meeting and talking to each other and completely
ignore the children? Take time to see that adequate toys are out (bring
some from home if necessary) and that the children are provided with
ideas and things to do. Have one mother play some games or sing some
songs if you see that the children are bored. Take breaks to care for
your children. A timely snack or cuddle is a big help. Your example
will teach more than your words.

3. Suggest to the hostess
that she remove toys she knows her child has difficulty sharing. It
is unrealistic to expect a child to share all his toys, especially the
favorites. Two- and three-year-olds have an especially hard time sharing.
They are sure that if any other child plays with a toy they will never
get it back. By showing your child you respect him and his possessions,
you ease the stress associated with sharing and actually may help your
child be a better "sharer" later on.

4. Remove any fought-over
toys for a realistic period of time.

5. If your child is going
through a particularly trying stage where he/she resorts to biting or
hitting, watch him/her carefully, step in before it happens, and separate
him/her from the others temporarily with a snack or a toy or removal
to another area.

6. Praise and praise whenever
you possibly can. Instead of saying to the children at the beginning
of a meeting, "We do not want to see any fighting today like last time,"
say, "I know we are all going to have a good time today." Set the stage
positively, not negatively.

7. Try to eliminate physical
punishment. It merely teaches that if you are bigger you can hit.

8. Some children fight more
than others. Instead of thinking of this as attention getting and negative,
give more attention. One mother said that when her child fought with
his older brother (the younger one was usually the aggressor), she took
him aside, sat him on her lap, held him, and said, "You seem very angry
now. Let's have a time out." Some days she needed to do this twenty
times or more but felt it was a better alternative than spanking, as
it taught him an acceptable way to deal with his angry, aggressive feelings.

If you are not at home,
a time-out or temporary removal to the sidelines may not be practical;
sometimes it is simply better to go home. I have learned that if my
children are out of control they are usually overtired or hungry. By
going home, I avoid pushing them past their limits and keep from losing
my temper. There might even come a time when a Leader would need to
stay home because the meeting situation presents too many conflicts
for her child at a certain stage.

9. One mother expressed
regret over a mother who felt she had to leave because her child was
misbehaving, as it seemed to penalize the mother. Sometimes a mother
may feel demoralized and unwelcome at meetings because her child occasionally
misbehaves. We need to support the mother who is struggling to handle
her feelings and deal with her child's aggressive behavior in a loving
way by being accepting of her and her child. Noting the child's good
points and perhaps helping her by anticipating problems encourages mothers
to continue to attend meetings.

10. Sometimes we expect
our children to behave in a mature fashion beyond their developmental
capabilities. While we all would like to have perfectly behaved children
all the time, we know it is unrealistic. Expect regressions and be prepared
to baby the baby in your child from time to time.

After the Evaluation Meeting,
I discovered that the mother of the one-year-old had been abused as
a child. She had read every book in our Group Library on child development
and discipline and was trying very hard to change the patterns of behavior
she had learned from her parents. The insights she was gaining from
the League and from her involvement with other mothers in the Group
are of great help to her. The mothers' understanding of her outburst
and the consideration they extended her was the same type of loving
guidance we talk about providing for our children. We all grew as mothers
by reevaluating our own feelings and beliefs. We agreed to continue
to talk about loving guidance at our Evaluation Meetings. But more importantly,
we agreed to pay more attention to our little ones at our meetings.