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James Dobson Fan Fiction

*****

ALCATRAZ ISLAND

Christianity is in trouble. BIG trouble. A team of supervillains has taken over the island and they are threatening to destroy the entire Christian faith. Their plan is to hack all of the Bibles in the world—using Technology—and put the Y2K virus in the Bibles. This will be very bad.

If you’re thinking the Navy or the Marines could just land on Alcatraz Island, well, no way, bubba: Bill Nye the Science Guy had protected the island with lasers. Also, Bill Nye was one of the bad guys. He hated Christianity a whole bunch, and also his new show was like all of the worst things plus extra worst things. Just awful.

Anyway, just then there was a big WHOOOSH and a huge boat came right on up to Alcatraz Island and yep, it was Ken Ham’s giant Noah’s Ark. It got through the lasers because the boat was tax exempt. But Ken Ham wasn’t on the Ark because nobody really liked Ken Ham and they wouldn’t let him come.

Then a bunch of super cool Christians got off the boat: CCM Legend Michael W. Smith was there and also Alan Noble was there, he was from the internet. Plus Russell Moore, who was dressed like a ninja turtle, like with a headband and everything. He liked ninja turtles. Also Larry the Cucumber was there.

And then the leader of the Christians got off the ark and it was James Dobson.

He took a long look around. He was getting too old for this. He’d been through Watergate. He’d been through Oliver North. Hell, he’d written the Contract With America on the back of an Arby’s napkin.

But threatening to eradicate Christianity? Not on this old bear’s watch.

THEY FOCUSED ON THE WROOOOOONG FAMILY, he growled.

He took the cigar out of his mouth and spit on the ground, cowboy-guy style. He was dressed in a black tuxedo and his belt had a huge buckle on it and the buckle was a Gideon pocket Bible, like one of those green ones that you keep in your junk drawer for like 17 years because it feels wrong to throw away a Bible, but whatever. Also, Dr. Dobson wore a big black cowboy hat and it was hella cool.

*****

A dimly lit room in the center of the old Alcatraz prison. A single laptop computer sits on a creaky wooden table. A ceiling fan casts looping shadows over the stone floors as the hanging light fixtures sway gently in the musty breeze. Bill Nye sits at the table, pecking at the keys and preparing to upload the Y2K virus to all the Bibles.

*****

All of a sudden, a big red warning light flashed on Bill Nye’s computer and it said WARNING: CHRISTIANS and Bill Nye was like “ah, Christians” so he called Bill Clinton to see what to do.

Then Bill Clinton came in. He was the main bad guy. He was all like “oh dang we have to stop these Christians” and Janet Reno was like YUP and she was so, so happy about this plan because she wanted to make it illegal to homeschool and stuff.

Also, Marilyn Manson was one of the bad guys. He wanted to poison Christian youth groups with his terrible music, even though youth groups could listen to Christian bands who were totes edgy like P.O.D. but I guess that’s why you never go into Hot Topic without an accountability partner.

Then the door flew open and all the Christians rushed in.

Bill Clinton was like “your boycott against Disney failed, and your mission to save Christianity will fail, too!”

And Marilyn Manson was like “arrghhhh grrrrrrr raaaaarrrrrrrr” and I guess he was singing or something but whatever.

James Dobson took a big puff off his cigar and stared right at all the bad guys.

“I’m your Huckleberry,” he muttered, and everyone totally gasped because that was from Tombstone which was an R-rated movie and did he not even read the Screen It parental review but anyway the point was that Dobson totally meant business.

“Attack those believers!” Bill Clinton screamed.

Then Bill Nye grabbed a trident and ran forward to poke the Christians with it.

“I got this,” Alan Noble said, and he pulled out his phone and started this tweet thread about how he was going to fight Bill Nye. But then some other Twitter Christians started accusing him of virtue signaling and so he had to reply to all their tweets and then start another thread and anyway it was taking a real long time so Russell Moore jumped out with his nunchucks.

“Cowabunga!” Moore yelled, knocking the trident out of Bill Nye’s hands. Then Bill Nye was like “why are you pretending to be a ninja turtle” and wow that was so harsh but Russell Moore just adjusted his headband and was like what would Splinter want me to do? so he did a cool flip kick and Bill Nye went flying out the window. Also there was a window right there.

Then Marilyn Manson started shooting fireballs out of his eyes, I guess from all the satanic power of his music or something. James Dobson did like a cool Neo thing from The Matrix and dodged all the fireballs, but the fireballs hit Alan Noble’s phone and broke it and then a single tear rolled down Alan’s cheek as he whispered “never Trump” and then he disappeared and his clothes just fell in a pile like what happened to Obi-Wan, only this time there was a bow tie and not a Jedi robe.

Then Larry the Cucumber ran up to fight Marilyn Manson but Larry didn’t have any hands so it was always going to be sort of an uphill thing for him. Marilyn Manson stared at Larry and was like “you look like a wiener” and Larry just exploded and sent cucumber guts everywhere because Larry was a LifeWay product and that was a penis reference.

Everybody was real sad that Marilyn Manson killed Larry the Cucumber. Then CCM Legend Michael W. Smith was like GO WEST YOUNG MAN and Marilyn Manson was like WHAT but then Michael W. Smith did some sexy dance moves that were so powerful they knocked Marilyn Manson to the floor and when he got back up he had turned into a conservative.

Then Bill Clinton turned to Janet Reno and was like DO SOMETHING so Janet Reno pulled off her warmup pants and yep, she was wearing yoga pants underneath. This made all the Christian men freeze because yoga pants are sinful and Bill Clinton was like AT LAST, VICTORY IS OURS.

Then someone jumped through the window and PLOT TWIST, it was BETH MOORE. She looked at Janet Reno just standing there trying to destroy all the Christian guys with yoga pants and Beth was like “let’s put some dressing on those hams” and she slid across the floor, did a cool takedown, and pulled a denim skirt over Janet Reno. Then Janet Reno was like “I look like a homeschooler” and it was super ironic and then she exploded into a cloud of dust.

Then Beth Moore went over to Russell Moore and gave him a high five and was like “You owe me one, little brother” because DOUBLE PLOT TWIST, THEY WERE SIBLINGS THIS WHOLE TIME.

Then Bill Clinton pulled out a lightsaber and was like “I am too powerful, you cannot stop my liberalism.”

James Dobson cracked his knuckles and pulled out his own lightsaber.

“Imma take you to Odyssey,” he growled.

Meanwhile, Michael W. Smith, Beth Moore, and Russell Moore ran to unplug the computer before it could finish uploading the Y2K virus into people’s Bibles.

Then James Dobson fought Bill Clinton in a lightsaber duel. It was hella rad, with sparks going everywhere and stuff. Then Clinton was like SWISHHH and Dobson was like WOOOSH and Clinton blocked that one and was like BUZZZZ but Dobson did a somersault just in time and it was like the coolest fight of all time.

Then Dobson switched his lightsaber to his right hand and was like “oh, one more thing, I’m not left handed.”

But Clinton was like “oh, one more thing, I’m not Bill Clinton” and he pulled off his mask and it was actually Ken Ham.

But Dobson just laughed. A long, cool-guy laugh.

“I knew it was you,” he said.

Then Ken Ham pulled out a communicator and was like BEAM ME UP, FALWELL. Then there was a bright light and Ken Ham disappeared.

Russell Moore walked over to Dobson.

“Cowabunga,” he whispered sadly.

Dobson puffed thoughtfully on his cigar and nodded.

“Let’s audit the Fed,” said Conservative Marilyn Manson.

Beth Moore pulled out an old Nokia flip phone and started mashing buttons.

“I’ll order the Chick-fil-A,” she said.

Dobson unfolded a pair of aviator sunglasses and slid them over his eyes. He took a moment to brush the dust off his black tuxedo. Ken Ham was going back in time to the Tower of Babel to try to finish the job. Sounded like Falwell was with him this time. Dollars to doughnuts, Melchizedek would be there, too. Dadgum Melchizedek.

Dobson motioned for his friends to follow him. He had a spare time machine back in the ark.

“Chick-fil-A?” he said to Moore. “Where we’re going, we don’t need Chick-fil-A.”