Sunday, September 3, 2017

Update: I still don't want to be a vegan. Coincidentally, I recently purged my fridge, freezer, and cupboards of all animal products. Then I realized I didn't have anything to eat, so I went to the store.

Actually, I went to four stores.

I was holding off on buying craptons of vegan-specific products because that shit is expensive and also because I wanted to find things to eat that weren't pretending to be other things. But I was totally running out of stuff and my cupboards were looking a little sad, so I figured this was as good a time as any to spend way too much money.

I present the HAUL:

This isn't even all of it. There's some other stuff that I bought yesterday, too. I was too lazy to dig it out.

Martin's

Martin's is my local Giant-derivative. I usually avoid this store because it's pricey and I'm broke, but some wonderful vegan person in the corporate office put tons of stuff on sale for me, so here's what I got (minus the stuff I didn't photograph):

Vegan Ben and Jerry's ice cream marked down to $2.50/pint!!!

Tofutti "Better Than Cream Cheese" $3.29 for 8oz

Tofurky Deli Slices $3.49 for 15 slices

Daiya Mozzarella Style Shreds $2.49 for 8oz

Daiya Cheddar Style Shreds $2.49 for 8oz

Alba Botanica Even Advanced Sea Mineral Cleansing Gel $6.49 for 6oz

Trader Joe's

I was excited to go to Trader Joe's because I heard they had a whole line of vegan fake meats, but when I got there, all they had was meatballs, so I'll try again some other time. I got plenty of other stuff though:

Inner Peas puffs $1.49

Nutritional yeast $2.99 for 4oz

Sprouted tofu $1.99 for 15.5oz

(sidenote: this is divided into two smaller packages for us lonely vegans--thank you Trader Joe's)

Red pepper spread $2.49 for 12oz

Meatless meatballs $3.99 for 16oz

Sriracha hummus $1.99 for 8oz

Chocolate chips $1.99 for 12oz

Raw cashews $7.99 per pound

Penne Arrabbiata $2.99 for 16oz

Cinnamon rolls $3.99 for 17.5oz

Peanut-only peanut butter $2.29 for 16oz

Whole Foods

Okay, so when they say "Whole Paycheck," they're not kidding. I heard rumors that the Whole Foods prices would be going down with the Amazon deal, but apparently that hasn't kicked in yet, because holy crap. There were so many things that I wanted to try and then ran away from because of the price. This is all I ended up with:

Earth Balance Vegan Cheddar Puffs $3.29 for 4oz

Penne Arrabiatt $3.99 for 16oz

Ginger Chews $2.49 for 4.4oz

Amy's Rice Mac & Cheeze $3.49 for 8oz

Made Good Apple Cinnamon Bars $3.49 for 6 teeeeny bars

365 Unscented bar soap $1.99 for 4oz

365 Vitamin E bar soap $1.99 for 4oz

Lush

This store was crowded as crap, so I just grabbed a shampoo bar that smelled good and ran out. Next time I will have a better plan.

Jumping Juniper shampoo bar $10.95

Shampoo bar tin $3.95

That's all I can afford right now (my bank account is crying), but I'd love to get your recommendations for next time. Is anything at Whole Foods actually worth the money? What else should I try from Trader Joe's? Teach me your ways, Vegans of the Internet! (not that I'm vegan or anything...just checking out the scenery)

Monday, August 7, 2017

On Friday night, I was sitting on the couch, minding my own business, watching YouTube videos, and avoiding my homework like any other self-respecting college student with no social life. All of a sudden, out of the blue, this video popped up as a commercial, and I don't know what the heck I was thinking, but I sat there and watched all five minutes of this commercial:

I'm still not okay, guys.

I couldn't sleep on Friday night. For a couple of months I'd been effectively silencing the tiny voice in the back of my head that was like "Dude, you know where cheese comes from. What are you doing?" Mostly, I silenced it by eating a lot of cheese.

But not after this video. Seriously. I got into bed and stared at the ceiling. I tried to sleep. I failed. This video kept gnawing at me, horrible image after horrible image running through my head. I felt guilty and angry and sad, and I spent the night seriously considering my life choices.

I do not want to be a vegan. I'm getting that out in the open right now. I do not want to be a vegan. Vegans are crazy. Vegans are elitist and unreasonable and they just don't understand what a perfect, heavenly creation macaroni and cheese is. Also fettuccine alfredo. And cake. I have been a vegetarian for twelve years for exactly two reasons: meat seriously grosses me out, and I do not want to be a vegan.

Vegan resistance aside, I stopped using eggs a while back. A pretty long while back. Years, actually. My rule was that I avoided eggs I could see. I wasn't reading packaging or boycotting desserts that might have eggs in them, but I stopped buying eggs, baking with eggs, and eating eggs as a standalone thing. I also started buying almond milk instead of dairy milk at least 80% of the time. I don't know why. It just happened.

But I really, really do not want to be a vegan.

Except...it might be happening. For the last two days, I have avoided eating all animal products. I haven't known what to do with myself, but I've succeeded in eating like a vegan for 48 hours.

I bought some nutritional yeast and a thing of eggless mayo.

But this does not mean I'm vegan, guys. Not yet. It just means that I'm having some serious issues about food and I need to keep thinking.

Saturday, August 29, 2015

The flavor people at Oreo have been very busy lately. They came out with Smoreos at the beginning of the summer, then there were the cotton candy ones for Fourth of July (I wasn't going near those, sorry), and now there are these:

Yep, Brownie Batter Oreos.

I was skeptical of these right away, because, really, how are these different from the chocolate-on-chocolate Oreos? Very different, as it turns out.

The filling really does taste like brownie batter. It's rich and thick and chocolatey, just like brownie batter should be. The problem is, these cookies taste like brownie batter, and that's a little weird. Like, maybe if you covered them in tin foil and baked them for 45 minutes, then they might be better. But I'm not about to wait 45 minutes to eat Oreos (or brownies), so these Oreos remain as-is: strangely accurate.

They are much better dipped in milk, but still a little weird. The "ew, this is raw, we're all gonna get salmonella" vibe goes away, but it turns into a fudge-frosting filled cookie. That isn't entirely bad, especially if you happen to like fudge frosting, but it's kinda too much. You know how a spoonful of fudge frosting coats your throat and leaves you with a permanent sugar high and a fuzzy chocolate-flavored tongue? These do that. It's very, very weird. The beautiful balance of gentle chocolate cookie and sweet vanilla creme is completely lost on these cookies. Instead, they're more "you like chocolate? Here, eat a can of cocoa and some Hershey bars, and look! brownies! and Oreos! and fudge! and chocolate frosting! Eat it! Eat it all!" And you know, that really isn't my thing.

These aren't bad, really, but they're definitely not my favorite and they don't quite live up to Oreo's usual standards. Thus, the Limited Edition Brownie Batter Oreos are formally awarded four out of five Half Asses.

Also something to keep in mind is that while these are blatantly advertised in the Target ad this week, they are not available in my local Target. Instead, the Target Oreo section is filled to its brim with Reese's Oreos and Cotton Candy Oreos, because, really, did anybody eat those?

If you tried these (or the cotton candy ones and you lived to tell about it), let me know! I'd love to hear what you think!

Also, what new flavor do you think Oreo should try next? They have to be running out of ideas by now. I'm thinking we need to expand into the weird-flavored-chips arena. Like, we could do sushi flavored Oreos and macaroni and cheese flavored Oreos and maybe even Doritos flavored Oreos. (Fair warning, I wouldn't actually eat any of these, but they're bound to turn up eventually.) Alternatively, we could petition Nabisco for butterscotch flavored Oreos, but I doubt those would be nearly as successful as Sriracha Oreos.

Monday, August 17, 2015

First of all, I quit my job. You know, that one that was 30 miles away and made me hate myself and all of humanity? Yeah, that one. I quit. I really really thought about doing something completely destructive to the building before I left, but I decided that I would rather not go to jail, so I returned all 438 rolls of toilet paper and gave up my elaborate tripwire plan. Walking out all civilized wasn't nearly as much fun, but at least I didn't leave in a straitjacket, so I guess it all worked out.

Second of all, I got some new jobs. My first new job kinda sucks, and I kinda suck at it, but that's okay because at least I'm not trying to burn down the building. My second new job is fabulous. Everybody is absurdly nice and I get to work at two different locations,one of which is three minutes (three minutes!) away from my house and has a pond view and a family of geese, and the other of which is a gorgeous 100-year-old building with spiral staircases and stained glass. I love it.

Also, there's the whole school thing.

Since the last time we spoke, I managed to survive the Math Professor From Hell, and as pissed as I am at my reduced GPA, I will never have to MOD7 again, which is a very good thing. Over the summer I took my mandatory literature class and completely fell in love with the class and the professor (who shall henceforth be known as Professor Koi Pond). I also developed a raging love/hate relationship with John Steinbeck, who is an excellent writer and a despicable human being. I am currently contemplating becoming an English major and to further this contemplation, I am taking two more classes with Professor Koi Pond in the fall. Last week I was officially inducted into the the honor society (thanks to my newly discovered nerditude) and you are now speaking to the Phi Theta Kappa Vice President of Communications. I hope you are adequately impressed. ;-)

In similar news, I recently rediscovered reading for pleasure, and it has been awesome. For anyone else out there who spends 80% of their life drowning in homework, "reading for pleasure" is this kooky idea that lets you read things that aren't on a syllabus AND you don't have to write a paper after you read them! I know! It's crazy! In the last two weeks I've read The Women of Brewster Place (which was amazing but broke my heart), half of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (which sucks), and almost half of Julie & Julia (which involves some gruesome animal bits but is otherwise pretty cool).

As you can see, I've been pretty busy these past few months, but lucky for you, there are new Pop Tarts flavors and Sheetz has released a quesorrito and I learned how to make Lazy Girl Risotto, so we should be seeing lots more of each other soon.

In the meantime, tell me what you've been up to! Anything awesome happen to you this summer? Anything less than awesome? What have you been eating? I want to hear everything! (especially the eating)

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Yes, folks, that's right: I've been lured out of hiding by the latest limited edition Oreo. And these are not just any limited edition Oreos. These are Smoreos.

Indeed, I discovered these campfire-ready Smoreos hiding on a shelf full of peanut butter Oreos (which were never really my thing) and I knew in an instant that these Oreos were coming home with me, diet or no diet, and that I would delightedly devour the entire package in likely only one or two sittings.

Lucky for my diet, this is a mini-sized package of Oreos. Weighing in at about 10oz, you get roughly half the cookies that you would get in a regular pack of Oreos. Okay, probably not really half; it's probably more like three quarters of the Oreos you would get in a regular pack of Oreos, but anybody who tries to limit my Oreo intake is going to be severely exaggerated in the worst possible ways. So yeah, there were only like five Oreos.

But they were delicious.

They were perfect.

They were everything that a Smoreo could ever hope to be.

Like, seriously. The cookie kinda looks like a regular golden Oreo, but no. It is a graham cracker flavored Oreo. I had no idea you could make a graham cracker flavored Oreo cookie and still have it distinctively be an Oreo cookie, but Nabisco pulled it off. I knew I liked those guys.

THEN! There are two kinds of creme! Seriously! There's a marshmallow fluff layer and a chocolate layer and they're criss-crossed so that you have a lot of marshmallow on one half with just a little bit of chocolate, and then on the other half there's a buttload of chocolate with just a little bit of marshmallow.

I love them.

And, bonus, they're WAY less messy than real s'mores, so really, you have nothing to lose. Buy them! Buy them all! Share them with me! Because my package was gone, like, twenty minutes after I got home from the store.

And I'm not saying that just because they're white. I'm sure there are some great white chips out there. I'm sure that a white chip could be just as good as a neon orange nacho cheese chip....but these ones aren't.

First of all, these things are having an identity crisis to begin with. Wild White Nacho? Like, seriously? How is "Wild white nacho" a thing? I don't even know which word to focus on. They're wild. So, spicy? White. Does that mean 'can't dance'? Or like, still and quiet and calm like the arctic? And then you add nacho? I tell you one thing for sure, this is NACHO favorite chip. Get it? Get it? Nacho favorite chip? I'm so funny.

Whatever the hell these things are trying to be, it sure isn't a Dorito. You know how you bite into a Dorito and it's all, "CHEESE! SPICY! CRUNCH!"? These are more like, "Oh, why, hello. Crunch. Observe the hints of hidden flavor. Crunch. OOH, CHEESE! No, wait, nevermind, now it's gone." I don't know about you, but that sounds like a boring ass chip to me.

You know, I am not entirely unconvinced that these weren't just some massive mistake somewhere along the Dorito assembly line. Like, maybe the dude who was in charge of inserting the neon orangeflavor substance took a sick day, and his backup dude was too busy checking out the hot chick in the Cutting Into Triangles Department that he forgot to add the orangeness. And then maybe the dude who adds the cheesiness fell asleep and accidentally sprayed all these cheese particles onto the ceiling as he was falling backwards in his chair. And then, instead of the shift manager scrapping all the mutant chips and starting over, he called up Marketing and told them to send down a new bag for the albino chips he created. And then he got a raise for his great efforts in innovation.

Yes. I think that story is entirely plausible.

Anywho, however these happened or whyever they happened, they suck. Skip them. You want some Doritos? Buy a bag of Doritos. You want something that looks like a Dorito and tastes like supreme awesomeness? Buy a bag of Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos. You want an enormous collection of useless off-white triangles? Let me know. I'll send you the rest of my bag.

Friday, February 6, 2015

It is my great pleasure to inform you that, at long last, the planets have aligned, world peace has been achieved, and all is right in the Universe.

We have these to thank:

These are not just any ordinary Oreo--oh, no! These are the Oreo of all Oreos, the mothership of Nabisco delicacies. These are Red Velvet Oreos.

Not only are these gloriously perfect cookies gloriously perfect, they were recently chosen to pave the streets of Heaven. (Or was that Graceland? I can't remember. It doesn't matter. Anywho.)

These cookies are a magnificent marriage of cake and cookie, sweet chocolate, and smooth creme. They embody everything that every dessert ever strives to be.

They are perfection in a blue foil package.

I love them.

That being said, you won't like them at all. If you see them in your local stores, please buy them all and send them to me for proper disposal. And don't even think about trying to taste one of mine, because I have licked all of them and will infect you with my cooties.