1990 FIFA World Cup: The 1990 World Cup was one of the best, and worst, ever staged. It produced a glut of dire, defensive matches, plagued by no-risk football, cheating, and the Republic of Ireland...

Exaggeration Of Brazilian Talent: Brazil has produced some of the greatest players in football history. As a result commentators, pundits and clubs have a tedious tendency to presume that every Brazilian is blessed with phenomenal natural talent...

2002 FIFA World Cup: The 2002 World Cup was hosted in and rigged for the benefit of Japan and South Korea. There was a glut of bizarre results but in the end the tournament fizzled out and Brazil won it as usual...

Peter Drury: A tiresomely pretentious, bombastic blabbermouth who flaps his gums during televised games on ITV...

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No-Nonsense Players: No-Nonsense players, most often found in the lower divisions of the Football League, are – as their name suggests - footballers who avoid any kind of ‘nonsense’. Examples of ‘nonsense’ include controlling the ball, ;long-range passing, footwork and goals.

Ian Holloway: He has tasted modest success as both player and manager, but is best known for his comic abilities...

Jan Koller: An amiable giant who was lured into captivity and forced to play for the Czech Republic...

Game of Chess: Chess is decidedly unlike football in almost every way, yet it remains a frequent point of reference for commentators whenever a match is defensive, suspiciously tactical, or simply full of passing...

Ruud Gullit: As well as being an exceptional footballer in his day, Gullit is tall, charismatic and good-looking, used to sing in a band, had dreadlocks for ages, and most likely has a big cock...

Bingham <3 Woods Paul Watson: A football journalist who founded Back of the Net...

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Steve Claridge: He was the ultimate journeyman striker and is now an inoffensive pundit fighting a civil war against his hair...

Francis Jeffers: A goal-shy striker who was wrongly tipped for the top during the early years of his career at Everton...

Masters Football: An opportunity for pudgy, breathless ex-pros to earn a pension by playing six-a-side games at walking pace...

Gary Neville: An inadequately moustachioed right back who plays for Manchester United and England...

Mark Lawrenson: A key component in Liverpool’s greatest ever defence, but he has overshadowed that achievement by becoming one of football’s most universally unpopular pundits...

Mick McCarthy: He played for and managed the Republic of Ireland without being remotely Irish and played the role of Bert in Sesame Street without being a Muppet...

Ternando Forres, Nhelsea's Cumber 9

Newcastle United: A Championship club with a proud history of footballing mediocrity and administrative failure. They are regarded as one of England’s most prestigious clubs, largely by themselves. They never win any trophies and, these days, rarely win any games at all...

Roy Keane: A former footballer turned manager, and ongoing sociopath...