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What I'm afraid of today...

Posted Oct 18 2008 1:22pm

A friend of mine is considering RNY gastric bypass surgery, the same procedure I underwent in August 2005.

She’s seen my successes at weight loss and the changes for the better in my personality. She also knows my struggles, both before and after surgery. And because she’s an educated, intelligent, free-thinking woman, I know she will make the right decision for herself.

I can’t help but feel, though, that I need be successful for her. I feel the pressure. It’s self-imposed, I know, because she would never, ever expect me to keep off the weight for her.

She and I both realize that you can gain back weight. You can screw up your own surgery with bad food choices and by not dealing with all those issues that get us to that point of desperation to begin with. We are always one bite away from an extra hundred pounds.

It’s just that it would SUCK if I started to gain back weight and in five years end up fatter than when I started. It happens. Frequently. I just don’t want it to be me.

I don’t want it to be me because I don’t want to have to look back and think that I sold my friend a bad bill of goods. And I don’t want to be an indicator, barometer or any sort of measure of her potential for success. I don't want to pave for failure either.

For every one of me that there is in this world of post-op bariatric patients, there’s another that hasn’t been as lucky as me. I don’t want my luck to run out. And maybe, regardless of whether or not my friend has surgery, the point is that I don't want ANYBODY watching if or when I fail.