No End In Sight To The War On Christmas

When running to be the president Mongo promised many things: to grind the Mexicans into mortar to build a wall, to permit the police to shoot Kneeling Negroes at all times, to identify the Mooslems and then kill all their families. Etc.

“They don’t want to use the word Christmas anymore at department stores. I will assault that. I will go so strongly against so many of the things, when they take away the word Christmas.”

The War On Christmas was for many years a sinister, subterranean conflict, unknown to the general public, until Ted Baxter brought it before the people, in an attempt to divert attention from the fact that every night he would masturbate like a monkey while urging women over the telephone to pleasure themselves with falafels.

It is well known from the true-life documentary film It’s A Wonderful Life that whenever a bell rings, an angel gets his/her wings; Baxter stunned the nation by revealing that whenever anyone says “Happy Holidays,” rather than “Merry Christmas,” nails are driven through Jesus’ flesh.

In attempting to become the president Mongo naturally jumped aboard this bent bandwagon, as he sought to appeal to the vast wasteland of Americans who believe that Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church, and that those Baxter damns as “secular progressives” are running amok in the department stores, rabid to sodomize Christ behind the cosmetics counter.

“We’re getting near that beautiful Christmas season that people don’t talk about anymore. They don’t use the word ‘Christmas’ because it’s not politically correct. Well, guess what? We’re saying Merry Christmas again!”

Yeehaw! Lord be praised! We are Delivered!

But not so fast. Because out there in the Cornhole State, a known Mongo region, a man was recently arrested after he drank mass quantities and then went out on his lawn and bellowed “Jingle Bells” at top volume through a bullhorn.

He is a political prisoner! Mongo must free!

“This shall not stand,” the 400 pound guy on the bed said grimly. “‘Jingle Bells’ is one of our holiest Christmas songs: it is a well known Fact that Jesus sang it at the Last Supper. Every American has the right to sing it, whenever and wherever they wish.

“It was the first song broadcast from space, because Jesus likes it so much,” the 400 pound guy on the bed continued. “The astronauts thought maybe Jesus could hear it better out there, closer to heaven.”

“The arrest of this God-fearing Merry Christmas man is proof that in the War on Christmas we still have a ways to go,” Mongo himself said later in the day. “I have directed Confederate General Jefferson Beauregard seSSions III, a.k.a ‘Sheets,’ to investigate for civil rights violations and then execute in the electric chair everyone associated with this man’s arrest.”

Mongo additionally announced that as a result of complaints that compelling horses to draw sleighs constitutes cruelty to animals, he had signed an executive order freeing horses of such burdens, ordering that all sleighs shall henceforth be drawn by Kneeling Negroes.

“They like kneeling so much, they can kneel while they pull sleighs!” Mongo heehawed.