I highly recommend that you take time to read it and watch the video(s)…….

It starts here…..

Have you ever been in an argument with someone where you realize, “Wow. This might be the end of our relationship!” It could be a tough conversation with a friend about hurt feelings that could end the friendship and make you enemies. It might be a business negotiation where instead becoming partners you become competitors. It could be a conversation with your spouse that could lead to a decision that you regret forever. These are dangerous minutes, right? Well, conversations like this we call “high stakes conversations.” If you win, you win it all. If you lose, you lose it all. The stakes are high. So how do you turn it around?

Today let’s explore one simple strategy called the Outcome Strategy.

You see, the problem with high stakes conversations is that two speakers tend to get stuck in an emotional opposition to each other. In other words: the more you take your position, the more I disagree with you and take the opposite position, and vica versa. When you get opposed to each other like this, you start reacting to me and the emotional dynamics of our conversation rather than the actual outcome you want. Instead of being proactive – and thinking creatively about what’s best for everyone, the conversation plays out as if only one of you can win this game. Now, what’s wrong with getting stuck in an opposition is that any two people having a high-stakes conversation are likely to have a lot in common: a relationship, a history, and shared objectives. When you get stuck in an opposition, you stop reacting to what’s good and only react to what you see as bad – the other person’s disagreements, opposition, disrespect. That’s what’s so dangerous – you’re likely to throw out the baby with the bathwater. The Outcome Strategy is there to stop that pattern, see past the opposition, align with each other, and find creative solutions for your outcomes. The strategy has three basic parts:

1. ASK TO UNDERSTAND. Simply tell the person, “I really want to understand you, your experience, and what you want. Please tell me what is most important to you right now.” In other words, you’re asking to understand their outcome. Most conflicts are triggered by a specific emotion -when the other person doesn’t feel you will look after their interests. When you become a great listener, this changes fast. The thing they’re upset about could be a policy decision, it could be that they want to feel respected, it could mean they sick of deadlines not being met. At bottom, what is upsetting them is the feeling that you are not willing to help them. Listen, listen, listen. Align with them so that you’re helping them get what they need.

2. ASK HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN – AND OFFER HELP. Pretty common-sense, right? When we rally for something, when we push for something to happen, we usually have a vision – an expectation, an idea, a preconception, a bias – on how it should happen or will happen. You need to understand the other person’s vision in very concrete terms. So just say, “What’s important to you is important to me, and I want you (and us) to have this outcome. How are you thinking it’s going to take place? What has to happen? What do you need? What’s the sequence of steps we need to take?” Don’t ask this in a challenging way. Instead, think of yourself as rolling up your sleeves, going side-by-side with the other person, saying, “OK, where do we start?” If you can, take notes and get the sequence of action steps to get to the outcome. Remember: if this is a high-stakes conversation, the upset was caused by the feeling that you’re not looking after your friend… so counter that by committing now to some steps and turn that around. Write your commitments down on paper. This sends a strong signal that you are cooperating and that the argument is over. Once the person understands that you are on their side and that you will help, you also have an opportunity to offer solutions that get you to the outcome more quickly.

3. RAISE THE COMMON INTENT. Now, once the person feels you understand their outcome and how they want to get it, once they feel you are no longer opposed to them, raise the intent. Here’s how this works. When we get into a high stakes argument, it usually devolves to you vs. me. Now that’s a restricted kind of “survival mode” thinking that kicks in when we get into a personal conflict. Now that you’ve aligned with the other person, share a broader intention – of helping you, helping me, of helping those around us, and helping in the long term. When you raise the common intent and widening the circle of people who will get benefits, you have the opportunity also to introduce action steps that may help more people or bring the outcome on more quickly and effectively.

SOUND SIMPLE? The Outcome Strategy sounds simple because it makes a lot of sense intellectually. It’s actually a fundamental skill of problem solving that is useful in just about every high-stakes conversation you’ll encounter. So let’s take a real-world example. The day is September 11, 2001, the day of the terrorist attacks in New York. Tony Robbins had been giving a workshop in Hawaii for 2,000 people from over 30 countries, 50 of whom had just lost friends, family, or businesses in the World Trade Center attacks. The group was incredibly upset, and there had already been outbreaks of arguments and fights. Tony stepped onstage and was guiding the group through a process of emotional mastery to deal with the fact of the event… when a young Pakistani man stood up to exclaim that he felt sympathy with the terrorists. So there you have it: a high-stakes conversation. One man with a minority point of view in the group, speaking in a highly charged, raw way about something that has upset everyone, while others in the room were having to be restrained from attacking him. How does Tony deal with this intelligently? The Outcome Conversation. It’s only 15 minutes long – but it transformed everything.

1. Tony asked Asad to share how he feels and why, so that Tony can grasp is point of view. Understanding Asad is Tony’s path to mastering the situation. He listens non-judgmentally, thanks Asad for explaining himself, and acknowledges his point of view completely. He also says over and over: “I haven’t had your experience, so I have zero judgment. This is just my opinion. If you want to tell me I’m full of it, I’m totally OK with that, because I’m not you.” This tells Asad that he’s justified in his emotions and that he has been heard and understood.

2. Tony asks Asad “How do you expect this will happen?” In this case, how is the terrorist attack supposed to further the Muslim cause? At this point, the conversation shifted. Asad realized that his position doesn’t make sense… violence would not lead the west to understand, it would just lead to more violence in the cycle. Tony gives Asad a non-judgmental space to figure this out himself. Once Asad realizes that it doesn’t make sense, he’s open to help.

3. Tony raises Asad’s intent. Asad is thinking big – he’s thinking about the Muslim cause and the plight of Iraqis torn by the war, so Tony meets him there and raises his intent even higher: how can we impact the people Asad loves in the most effective way? By condoning violence, or by making violence unacceptable? When Asad accepts this higher intent, he also accepts the responsibilities of being a leader – of seeing how his behavior will impact hundreds and/or thousands.

As a result, a conversation that could have been dangerous or disappointing ended up bringing everyone in the room to a higher level of intent, understanding, compassion, and intelligent action. Asad clarified his outcome and achieved it on that day – and as a result, he became a crusader for tolerance and greater understanding.

After this conversation, Tony invited Asad onstage, along with Bernie, a Jewish man from New York who had stood up to challenge Asad. Tony guided the two through a process of Indirect Negotiation. By the end of the evening, the two men had each had breakthroughs, embraced, and started an organization for religious tolerance. Today Asad continues to work as a crusader for peace. Here is his talk at a TED conference in Karachi, Pakistan.

I continue to run into people who face many of the same situations that I faced not long ago. Perhaps some were more serious, some less serious than my own – the point is that I feel that I have some experiences and ideas about what helped me through those times.

In other words, I have had some challenges, like many others, in my life/work/relationships/health/finances. It brought me down in many ways. But I do feel that I was able to recover and regroup – I feel much better about my life and I believe, at least for me, these simple things made a difference. I hope it can help someone else.

Focus on what works, not what doesn’t.

We all have stuff in life/work/relationships/health/finances that isn’t working right now. “My boss is incompetent.” “I don’t have enough money to take a nice vacation.” “She doesn’t listen to me about the kids.” It may be true but focusing on it doesn’t empower us.

Focus on what works – keep looking at what is improving in life/work/relationships/health/finances instead. “My boss cares about me.” “I improved my finances and paid off that Visa, I have just enough to buy an ice cream.” “She is so supportive about my work, hobbies, and friends.”

Trust me, this small switch, done each week or each day, makes a difference! For me, I need to write it down on paper to have the full effect. Looking for good stuff is tough at first but gets easier.

This will empower you, you’ll focus on the good, and you’ll feel a little better, at least.

Focus on what you want, instead of what you don’t.

We all have a habit of saying what we don’t want.

“I don’t want to work at this job.” “I don’t like this person.” “I don’t want this.”

Again true, but not empowering.

Instead, flip each one to something you do want.

“I want a job where I can be creative, work as a team, travel, and earn $50K.” (or whatever)

“I want a person who listens, enjoys comedy, and likes dogs.”

“I want ________” (be specific).

That way you (and your subconscious) focus on something positive, on a goal of sorts, and on an end result. Thinking about what you don’t want actually reinforces your thoughts about that.

Focus on your feelings.

It sounds touchie-feelie and odd, I realize, but even for those of us that appear to be logical, cool and calm, our emotions are part of our daily lives.

Managing your emotions can make a world of difference. Attach positive emotions to everyday things. Focus on things that make you smile, laugh, or feel good. There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.

What if you approached your life – each moment – with enthusiasm? With excitement and concentration? With courage? (instead of fear, regret, disappointment, hesitation)

What if you approached each relationship with love, kindness, compassion, excitement, openness, trust? (instead of distrust, hate, selfishness, etc.)

Lastly – this time of year most of us have already done the summer vacation and we’re full speed into fall. Maybe some are thinking about the next vacation, the next ‘get-away’. Here’s a good quote…..

“Instead of wondering where your next vacation is, maybe you ought to set up a life you don’t need to escape from.”-Seth Godin

I mentioned in previous blog postings that a few years ago I was making a nice living at my job. I made six figures. My wife also had a job and we stepped up our lifestyle and our house. I took some investment risks and we spent money as if I was going to continue to earn the money for a long time. When the Lehman Bros and banking crisis hit, I lost my job.

For a few years I made a lot less money. We did cut back on our expenses but I think that we were in denial to some degree. We still had a large mortgage payment and some debt. We were able to pay it each month but then we had little left over. I was earning a pretty good salary but not the six figure salary and we felt very poor after the bills were paid each month.

We almost had to make a hard decision– Very hard. We seriously considered selling our house and downsize the mortgage payment. It was emotional. It brought failure into my mind. It was embarrassing. Yet we knew it was something we really needed to consider.

It was a low part in my personal and professional life. I really got upset and mad at myself. I sometimes think about what would have happened to me if I hadn’t finally become disgusted with myself. I look back at the discussion to sell the house, pay off debts and free up monthly cashflow. We made changes in our lifestyle and bit the bullet trying to pay off things. It was painful and took a long time.

If we had not gone through those tough times, discussions, and decisions, it’s highly likely we would be still struggling month to month, not able to buy an ‘extras’ in life, not being able to spend money on simple things like landscaping, new shoes, fun stuff for the kids, etc. My credit report was also in need of repair and the poor credit actually kept me from getting a few jobs. It is true, when I needed a new job the most to repair my credit, I was unable to get the job due to my credit. I had a few offers for a new job but the credit was a problem. It was a vicious cycle.

If we didn’t decide to ‘hit the reset button’ I may be still working a job I didn’t like, struggling to pay my bills and making futile attempts – knowing I’d live out my life as a habitual underachiever.

The difference for me was the simple realization that if I didn’t change myself and our situation, our life wouldn’t change – not then or ever. Essentially my wife and I were making promises to ourselves and our kids that we never truly meant or were able to keep, unless we changed. But I was tired of doing that.

I read an article weeks ago by author Michael Masterson and here is an excerpt below from his blog that is very similar to my situation above.

He says “Thinking back, I can see that there were several factors that allowed me to change in a serious and committed way:

– First, I had bottomed out emotionally. I had finally reached a point where I truly detested myself for not achieving what I felt was my potential.

– Second, I made a decision to change completely

– Third, I recognized that I would have to change not just my work habits but the way I thought about myself. I would have to “become” the person I wanted to be.

– And last, but not least, I took action immediately. I didn’t wait.

I’m here to say that luck had nothing to do with the change in my life. And it needn’t have anything to do with whatever changes you would like to make in yours. Had I waited for luck to come to me, I might be waiting still. My life changed when I got fed up and started planning my success.

You, too, can change your life if you are: (a) dissatisfied with the lack of success you’ve had so far; (b) willing to make a big change – and not just a minor adjustment; (c) prepared to start working differently and thinking about yourself as a different kind of person; and (d) willing to start now by preparing yourself to succeed.”

The above quote was posted one earlytorise.com the week of June 11, 2012.

I’m here to bare the hard truth; almost putting our home up for sale to downgrade spending was tough and not something we wanted to do. As I said, it was embarrassing.

But, I knew that if it had happened (it didn’t) our real friends still were friends. Our kids wouldn’t mind much after the initial shock. Life wouldn’t end. People still would talk to us. We actually realized how little the house and other possessions meant. We realized that being together and being happy was the most important thing. Whether we lived in a smaller house suddenly seemed OK. It was an emotional, bad thing to go through. We almost had to sell and it affected us for a while. But looking back, we learned a lot – a lot about what really mattered in life.

I am here to tell you that after some change, some discipline, some faith and hard work, some real effort and cooperation, we were able to set aside money to retirement, savings, college. We were able to have spending money for fun things like the little stuff -ice cream and dinners out – and big stuff – weekend vacations and trips. My wife and I were able to upgrade our tired clothes that had become several years old. More than anything, it was a state of mind – we felt relieved, we felt that we had breathing room – we felt that we finally had some reserves and protection in case that incident we all have in our lives comes up – the appliance that needs replaced, a car accident, an unexpected expense.

I had to accept the situation, focus on good stuff, set goals, create a vision, and have faith. I had to be happy with what I had, where I was, and the present. I struggled. It worked.

I look back at that discussion and turmoil as a time when my wife and I realized that we didn’t really care about the big house and the materialistic things – we really cared about each other and our daughters – and the ability to be with close friends.

Is there something that you’re ignoring or denying? Is there a step that you can take – even if it is a hard one – that can improve your life a little – or a lot?

In this blog post: How you can change a negative situation or relationship….and how you can focus on the goal instead of the obstacle….and working with the emotional and logical parts inside You…..

I am reading the book “Switch” by Chip and Dan Heath. I recommend that you read it.

It discusses a number of great ideas related to change, changing habits, planning and how we humans approach life, and how we can make changes better – both personally and at an organizational level.

In their own words the Heath brothers summarize the book as such: “It puzzled us–why do some huge changes, like marriage, come joyously, while some trivial changes, like submitting an expense report on time, meet fierce resistance?

We found the answer in the research of some brilliant psychologists who’d discovered that people have two separate “systems” in their brains—a rational system and an emotional system. The rational system is a thoughtful, logical planner. The emotional system is, well, emotional—and impulsive and instinctual. When these two systems are in alignment, change can come quickly and easily (as when a dreamy-eyed couple gets married). When they’re not, change can be grueling (as anyone who has struggled with a diet can attest).

In those situations where change is hard, is it possible to align the two systems? Is it possible to overcome our internal “schizophrenia” about change? We believe it is.”

SOLUTIONS BASED THERAPY: Therapy is often a good thing for us humans. Since you and I are human, let’s talk about that. We go in and talk, bring out our ‘issues’ and get things off our chest. Therapy helps many, many people.

The book discusses how traditional therapy is different from solutions based therapy. In traditional therapy we dig into our past, look at our childhood and dig out all the reasons why we are the way we are. The book suggests, partially in jest, that “after $50,000 and years of therapy you can now blame your mother.” This is not to say traditional therapy doesn’t work, it often does.

However, my discussion today is focused on the other type – solutions based therapy. These types of therapists don’t typically dig into your past. They don’t find out if your dad didn’t hug you enough or if you were scared of bats.

Solutions based therapy does what it says, they provide you a solution. If you’ve got a problem, let’s work on a solution, right now. OK, go do it.

Example: A married couple is angry, tense, and having issues. They aren’t getting along well. They are arguing a lot, not intimate nearly as much as they want to be, they are unhappy and there is a daily struggle. The tension and arguing are affecting the kids and both spouses are feeling it.

So a solutions based therapist doesn’t go to the wife and see if she has ‘daddy issues’ nor would the therapist do the same for the husband.

They simply go and ask one great question to each of the spouses , and I paraphrase,

“Imagine that you went to sleep tonight and there was some kind of miracle that happened while you slept. When you woke up, what’s the first small sign you’d see that would make you think, ‘Well, something must have happened – the problem is gone?’!?’

Typically then the spouse would respond by saying that they’d feel happy, at ease, and that they’d be more pleasant to the other spouse, more relaxed. The therapist also asks questions like “What would you want to see instead?” It is key to find a replacement behavior and/or habit for anything negative. It is much harder to say not to do “that” – it is easier to say to do something else instead.

Often the spouse responds by saying something like their mate would be listening after they woke up. The therapist would continue “How could you tell that your spouse was listening?” It asks them to identify the results what they want, expectations are clearer, clarity helps all parties. There is then an end result in mind.

The miracle itself is irrelevant and not discussed.

There are other examples of how similar questions were used with a ‘troubled student’ and organizations, too. This methodology could be used for someone with a drinking problem….almost any concern. “If a miracle solved your drinking problem, what would you be doing different the next morning? – What’s the first small sign that made you realize that your problem was gone?”

This is a wonderful approach not only to therapy but to our daily lives. Ask a better question, find a solution and take action. Some people think this is too simple. After the above exercise and questions are asked, the authors suggest a second pivot question: “When was the last time that you saw even a little bit of the miracle, even just for a short time?” Then you replay the scene when things were working for you. What was happening? How did you behave? Were you smiling? How did you feel?

Solutions based therapists “learn to focus their patients on the first hints of the miracle…Pretty cool, right?

What if you wrote this type of open ended question down and carried it with you each day?

What if you tried to apply it to your daily life – your relationships? Career? Health?

It gets you focusing on the ‘good stuff’ instead of what isn’t working. It gets you looking at how we can improve things, how we can solve a problem, rather than just talk about it and think about it (even more).

There are many great things in the book Switch but I think this chapter is very valuable. I may riff about other parts but this one is worth being a solo post.

I know you can try harder. Frustrated by a daughter who you know is capable of much more in school, sports, music, etc.? Any comment that makes it seem as though you’re not satisfied with her efforts can not only be discouraging to your child, but can also do the opposite of motivating her to try harder, says Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time… If your “try harder” has to do with tasks or chores, then be clear about what you expect: “When you have your room cleaned up, then you can go out and play.”

You always… or You never… “At the heart of these statements are labels that can stick for life,” says Jenn Berman, Ph.D. and author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. “Telling your child that he ‘always’ forgets to call makes him more likely to be the kid who, you guessed it, never calls.” Instead, ask your child how you can help him or her change: “I notice you seem to have trouble remembering to bring home your textbooks. What can we do to try to help?”

Because I said so! This phrase puts all the control in your hands, and dismisses your child’s growing sense of autonomy and ability to figure things out, says Berman. It also leaves out a potential teaching moment. Let’s say your kids don’t want to visit their aging great-aunt on a sunny day when they’d rather play. Instead of “Because I said so” try, “I know you’d rather ride your bike, but Aunt Clara really loves seeing you, and we try our best to honor our family.”

I told you waiting until the last minute was a mistake! You’ve repeatedly told your son that if he played video games all afternoon, then he’d have less time to study for the math test. And guess what? Unprepared, he didn’t do well on the exam. But saying “I told you so” tells your child that you’re always right and that, by contrast, he’s wrong, says McCready. Instead, point out positive outcomes when he follows through, says McCready. If he cleans his room when asked, say, “Isn’t it easier to find all your stuff when your room’s tidy?” This puts the control and the credit with him.

You’re the best at soccer! “Say you always tell your child how smart she is. She may, over time, become scared of trying new things or more challenging work, for fear she won’t be ‘smart’ anymore if she gets a B instead of an A,” says McCready. It can also backfire if your child is struggling with work and you say, “But you’re so smart!” She may only feel worse for not living up to the label you’ve given her. Focus instead on her hard work: “You show up to every practice and try your best” or “What a fantastic job you did on this science project!”

Don’t worry—the first day of school will be fine. What’s wrong with trying to soothe an anxious kid out of worry? “If you tell your child not to worry, then you’re dismissing her feelings,” says Berman. “So now she’s still worried about the first day of school, and she’s worried that she’s worried, or that you’re upset over her worry.” Same goes for “Don’t cry” and “Don’t be angry.” Instead, say, “I can see you’re worried. Can you tell me what you’re most concerned about, so we can talk about it?”

I wish you didn’t hang out with Jack; I don’t like that kid. Yeah, a lot of parents don’t like “that kid,” for whatever reason, but “the moment you tell your child that ‘that kid’ is not your favorite, he becomes more appealing,” says Berman. Keep the lines of communication open between you two to hopefully spark discussion about values, right and wrong, and so on. “Ask your child some open-ended questions,” says Berman. “Such as, ‘What do you like about hanging out with Jack?’ ‘What do you guys do?'”

That’s not how you do it! Here, let me. You asked your child to help you with a task—but then she does a not-so-great job. It can be tough to hold yourself back from just jumping in and taking the task back, “but that’s a mistake, because then she never learns how, and is less likely to try anything else you ask down the line,” says Berman. If you must, then you can step in—but in a collaborative rather than dismissive way: “Here, let me show you a neat trick my mom taught me about folding towels!” Let the child do it!

Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother? Siblings and rivalry go hand in hand—and anything you say that sets up comparisons only fuels that natural flame, says McCready. “Comparisons slot siblings into categories—the smart one, the athlete—and discourage kids from trying the thing their sibling is ‘good’ at.” Try instead to encourage each child in whatever pursuits are “his” or “hers,” while avoiding comparisons.

For all things and non-things that you may ever want, understand that sometimes the fastest way to get them is to forget them, and to focus instead on just being the most amazing human being you can be. At which point all of your heart’s desires, spoken or unspoken, will be drawn to you more powerfully than a magnet is drawn to steel.

The above is about this Word To Live By – Patience. This is a definition I found on the Web.

Besides being a really good Guns ‘N Roses song, Patience is something we all may struggle with from time to time.

Sometimes we want our child to heal quicker, get through that rough period ; maybe we want to work out a relationship issue faster; we want a new job quicker; we want the home to sell/close faster; we want to get pregnant quicker; we want the medical results back sooner; we want our loved one to recover now; we want the payment to come to us faster; – in general we want that something to be resolved faster.

But we must learn patience.

I have read different points of view on patience – some say that we need to go with the flow and ride the waves that life gives us, be patient and just go with it. Others say we need hard, specific goals, and we go for those goals in specifically defined action steps and we don’t give up. I fall somewhere in between – I think we need goals and we need a plan but sometimes we need to accept, have faith, and listen to life. I’m not always certain how much of either – it is a balancing act.

Patience involves acceptance of the situation. Patience is about having faith that things will come, faith in yourself that you can do it. Patience is about calmly and confidently going for it, instead of being in a panic or rush. Patience is about living in the present, taking our time, living in the moment….don’t rush it, experience it, live in the now.

I found it interesting that the above definition mentioned ‘ without complaint, loss of temper, irritation or the like’. Great advice, right?

I also think that we all can probably improve by thinking about the definition “quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence”

Sometimes when I catch myself being impatient, I step back a moment, remind myself to be patient. Then I often at least feel a little better and sometimes I actually come up with an idea or action step that might help me get closer to the goal.

I remember when I was in a tough financial situation. We had an issue with our mortgage company- they owed us an overpayment of insurance funds but wouldn’t release it. They also would not resolve another issue for about a month, for no specific reason. I was also looking to either improve my income in a large way or find a new job. I was anxious. I woke up in the morning and I dreaded going to work. I woke up in a panic many times. I was short and crabby with my kids. Not cool.

It wasn’t always easy but when I practiced patience, I was better able to handle the mortgage lender and their requests. I was better about doing my work and being productive. I was certainly a better father and husband.

In the big picture, whether you are religious or not, let’s face it, our needs and wants in time and space are actually pretty ridiculous. We get impatient when our text takes 35 seconds to send instead of 10 seconds. We get impatient when our direct deposit takes 2 days. We easily forget that we received hard copies of paper checks for pay day not long ago that took longer. We didn’t have texting not long ago. Our email process was much slower not long ago.

It is pretty funny too that we get upset by delays in traffic, in our home, in our work of days, weeks or even months. In a lifetime none of that matters does it? In the grand scheme of things timing seems to work out well doesn’t it?

I recall waiting and waiting for something to clear, something to arrive, for something to be resolved. I thought it was so important to have THAT thing NOW. In many cases it worked out much better to have arrived later.

PLEASE SHARE?

Do you think Impatience can help you in your career or life?

How do you balance patience in regards to “go with the flow” or “set goals and go for it no matter what” – where do you sit on the spectrum?