Monday, November 19, 2012

"Stop trying and it will happen"

My difficulties stem from losing a tube to an ectopic pregnancy, and having some hormonal issues following an extended period of breastfeeding and chronic nightwaking with my child.

People genuinely don't know what to say when you are trying to get pregnant and its not happening. Mostly they want to be the one to say something to make you feel better. However some things, although said out of love, can be hurtful to someone with fertility issues.

Today I had someone literally berate me for "trying" to get pregnant! It was someone I barely knew, who knew nothing about my story, and who already had two children of her own. She kept saying how you "can't" try for a baby, that you have to relax and just let it happen. It wasn't just that she said it, either. She was very condescending, and went on and on and on. And later on in the day she brought up the subject again to emphasize to me how important it is that I stop trying.

I could barely get a word in to defend myself.

I understand this way of thinking. My two pregnancies both happened when I had booked overseas trips! I understand the mind/body connection. However, it is not fair to tell someone to "stop trying to get pregnant". I want to be pregnant. I want to have another baby. And I have the right to go after what I want. I could have just "stopped trying"... but then I would never have gone to Sharkey's Healing Centre and would never have made the progress I've made. I can see and feel the improvements to my health and wellbeing since I went. I'm no longer tired or cranky in the afternoons. I no longer crave sugar, or have trouble falling asleep. It has given me hope that my fertility is improving and when I get a negative pregnancy test I think, "oh well, things are improving, maybe next month is it".

Instead of telling someone to "stop trying", maybe ask them how they are coping with it all? Just because someone is actively trying to get pregnant, doesn't mean they cry like a dying wolf every time they get their period, or a negative pregnancy test. It IS possible to work on your emotions without stopping the "trying" process. Don't get me wrong, I do have times when I get sad, and frustrated, and it sucks. But mostly, I am OK. Sharkeys encourages you to work on how you feel emotionally, not just physically. I used to get very upset thinking that Butterfly was getting older and, at 3, there was already an age gap too large for my liking even if I gave birth today! I have gradually let that go, as something I cannot control. People telling me to let it go didn't help, I had to do it myself.

Maybe what someone needs is some support. If they ARE having a bad time emotionally, there is some reading on the Sharkey's website about it... hang on lemme find it... HERE. Try listening to them, being there for them, and try not to offer advice unless you have been in their situation. If you know that taking one's mind off the process can help, why not organise something to do together? Girls weekend? Spa pampering trip? (Don't any of my friends try that on me, I'm too much of a tomboy to enjoy that shit!) Lunch date? You don't have to mention that its a "forget your fertility woes" thing, probably best you don't. Just be a good friend.

I don't think I could "stop trying" even if I wanted to. I am in tune with my body, I know when I am ovulating and therefore the best time to try to have another child. I always said before I had kids that I would never "try", I would just go off the pill and see what happened. What happened was I started to try! How could I not, when I wanted a baby in my life? And I want another baby now. The only way I could ever "stop trying" was if I decided to give up on my desire to have another child, and its not something I can turn off.

Everyone is different, and what can hurt someone might not affect another. And some things upset me some days and other days it rolls off my back! In my experience, there are some things you should never say to someone trying for a baby, whether its been a month or four years (and I apologise to everyone that I myself said these things to along the way!)

* "I know it will happen for you" Actually, you don't. It sounds like a comforting thing to say, but since I know you don't have a crystal ball, it isn't all that comforting.

* "Maybe we can be pregnant together!" This is another reminder that you can get pregnant any time you want and I can't

* "Just stop trying!" as above :)

* "Try waiting for (insert more time than you have been currently trying)!" Any woman knows that every negative test sucks, whether it is your first or your 45746th! It amazes me that people can say this when they have obviously been through the same thing.

* "you have plenty of time to have more kids" True. But we all have a plan for our lives and it sucks when you have an idea of how you wanted your family to be and can't make it happen. I don't just want one more, I want lots more. And my husband is 10 years older than I am. Time is a factor.

I have others but I won't list them, because I know my friends would be horrified to know things they said had me in tears (yes, catch me in a hormonal moment and it will happen!). I also realise that no one ever says anything intentionally hurtful. I don't even consider these things to be insensetive or thoughtless. Because on paper these things don't seem at all offensive! Its just things you can't understand until it happens to you.

Its funny, I can't speak for everyone who is trying, but pregnancy news doesn't affect me. I can be happy for my friends around me who are falling pregnant.

It may not be rational that the things above can create a pang in my heart. Emotions are rarely rational. Like I said, I have said most of these things to people myself! I think that the best thing to do is listen, and try not to "fix it" or "empathise" if you have never been in the same situation. We all want to make people feel better, but as a parent I have learnt that sometimes you have to let the people you love hurt so they can begin to heal. Giving advice can sometimes make people feel misunderstood or unheard.

I would like to finish by thanking all of my friends for their support and friendship, for putting up with my texts about how "I really feel pregnant this month!" and never are! And for saying the above things and trying to make me feel better, even if you suck at it ;)