This time with a big way... Rehoming. Adoptive parents who became so desperate that they resorted to moving their children to another home without going through proper channels.

First I will not condone any of the actions of the
parents who put their adoptive children in jeopardy, but I can
understand just how desperate they could be.

This blog post is going to be complex, but it is a complex problem that causes parents to give up on their children. I hope this helps to put another spin on it but with research to support my arguments.
Not media hype.

I saw glimpses of this as it was happening over the years and stayed away from any of the discussions and discussion boards on the subject. A couple of times on other groups the subject came up and I talked about finding the help through the proper channels. Starting with the Mental Health, Adoption Support, their insurance and Medicaid and tried to help some parents find scarce help.

Back in 2000 I wrote a letter in the middle of the night. My thoughts about having to tell my daughter that she was going to have to go back to vary system she came from to find the mental health services she so desperately needed. I searched and searched and found no hope or help for her. I tried every door and found that the system was not set up to help parents who found themselves in our situation.

I found the little known secret of failed adoptions. Adoption Disruption and Dissolution from the Child Welfare Gateway
Some of those circumstances from lack of knowledge about what it takes and think love is enough. Sometimes it is because of often not disclosed information. Most often it is the lack of proper supports. For those who find themselves with children with severe complex needs, it is a lonely world.

I know that in our own circumstances, we were not allowed to see any of the records and they did not disclose that our children were not general level of care kids. We were promised that none of the group of kids had any needs that would put other children in jeopardy as we had our own children and a medically fragile child to think about. But we found ourselves with four of them who were in therapeutic foster care and the three seventeen page psychologicals on the kids were never shown us that they were much more needy than we were told. Never-the-less we did not give up even if had been fraud. We had made a promise.

Even more on the tragedy of custody relinquishment to garner Mental Health Services.
Custody Relinquishment from the Bazelon Center for Mental Health Law
Even biological families were forced to put their mentally ill children into the care systems to garner services. But Adoptive Families had to do it to. To return them to the systems to get services suitable to condition and often times residential treatment if one could find one.

Those reports highlighted what I had learned. That systems are not equipped to handle our most complex children and families find themselves struggling to find competent help that is hard to come by. One has to exhaust all services and then there are few options. Hospitalizations and residential treatment are hard to come by and often will not except our seriously disturbed children.

I fought hard and did not give up custody and learned to fight for my daughter and her right to family. But most families will not be as lucky as I was.

Families who have adopted from the foster care system and the worlds child caring institutions. We have no safety net when we find ourselves with children too severe to attach or too damaged to remain in the home safely. We are vilified for not loving them enough, not caring enough, for throwing away a child. The more of these stories, the harder it is for parents to reach out for help as we are judged, juried, convicted for not loving our children enough or doing enough to help them heal from the ghosts of their pasts. But it is much more complex than that.

We need a support system all the way from better training and support from the adoption agencies, health and mental health care systems, child welfare, schools and communities supports.

We adoptive parents who take on these children, sometimes unknowingly are Parenting Complex Children. Complex...

Some once told me that they are Genetically loaded (they inherit the parents genetic predisposition). There is actually a study going on to see if prenatal alcohol exposure changes genetic structures.

Many will be prenatally exposed. A parents substance abuse issues often put these children into the care of the states and countries. A new study confirms what we parents have known for awhile.Fetal Alcohol Common in Adopted and Foster Kids Neurobehavioral disorder associated with prenatal alcohol exposure. They look normal but can't do normal and normal parenting strategies do not work.

Most will have at least some mental health issues of some sort from their trauma they have face. The majority are milder or moderate, but some can be severe. For older child adoptions we need to expect Post traumatic stress disorders. Trust issues, and Attachment Disturbances. Why wouldn't they?
They are removed from the only people they knew, put in institutional settings, or disrupted placements.
Often kids act out their stress and those behaviors can cause multiple placements. The child also learns that nothing is permanent and if you are bad enough, you move on and you don't need to attach and trust.

Parents have answered the call to give children homes, not just from the worlds institutions but from the foster care system in our own country. Many parents go through the trainings and say what they can and can't deal with. But often times the problems will not appear until later when the child can't hit their developmental milestones that it will become apparent or puberty hits. I remembered reading early on a statistics of adoption disruptions and dissolutions.Adoption Statistics: Disruption and Dissolution from Adoption.com.

This not a new problem and these are not new numbers. This article written long before the push to move children from foster care into adoptive homes.

We when adopt the children, we make promises to care for them and help them to the best of our abilities. But for some parents, they find themselves with a child that nothing seems to help. Sometimes the more you love them, the more you try to care for them, or parent them. The worse it becomes. Adoptive parents reach for therapists, books, strategies and anything they can grasp for and often times the worse the situation gets. I remember the conflicting advice I got from the five different treating professionals in the differing spheres of my sibling set of 5. The advice from one conflicted with the advice of another, and learned to trust my own intuition and fire the ones that were worsening my children's conditions. The Reactive Attachment Therapies do not work well for kids prenatally exposed with alcohol. They actually worsen them. Then the schools with their behavior modifications that do not work with FASD and then the triangulation of the child pitting unattached people against the caregivers. It is a set up for Adoptive Parent Burn Out and a child in danger of blowing out of a home.

Parents are finding themselves having to run residential treatment facilities without any training or support. I have seen adoptive parents/kinship caregivers have to manage kids that have been released from psychiatric hospitals because they could not be managed there. Thrown out of schools for misbehavior's and left to function solo. All the while trying to be on guard 24/7 to protect the child, the other children and even themselves from catastrophe.

But for the complex children from the care system, they are stuck in a place where the care systems and mental health clash. They are always the others responsibility. For those who bring in kids from other countries they are in a No Man's Land and often on their own.

I have added to this piece a chart. My favorite with sharing just how complex these children can be. Overlapping Characteristics. I once asked a person in power in the state mental health system. Where is the evidence based practice for my children? He didn't answer, except with the statement you are?

What I learned is that I had to trust my intuition, leave no stone unturned, I had to fight for my daughter, but also know that I had to keep everyone safe.

But the systems of help in our country are failure based. Not preventative. The medical system can diagnose the prenatal exposures, but can help us understand the cause. The Children's Mental Health system is not the right place for those prenatally exposed to alcohol but often can help those with the complexities of abuse and neglect issues. But as children mirror the behaviors of others others, these children learn from their peers and those behaviors often worsen in the home. But the lack of competent support for those from the care systems is a challenge. For my kids the Mental Health system and the groups for those kids actually worsened my kids disorders. Knock on the door of Adoption Support and often they tell you you have to use your insurance and Medicaid first. But that is another series of Medicaid stories about that failures for the most vulnerable of children.

But our kids have no coordinated Silo to find support. Many of the children from the care systems are often of normal intelligence, so developmental disabilities services will not help us. Mental Health services are a poor fit and the strategies do not work with children with prenatal brain injuries. Those lucky enough to present as having autistic tendencies may find services under the Autism Umbrella.

I was told to look for help in places that were not equipped to handle our needs. I was not an abusive parent, I was not a neglectful parent. I had a daughter too dangerous and damaged to live at home. I was ordered by the Community Mental Health System that I had 60 days to relinquish our daughter and to dissolve the adoption or be charged with abandonment. That document came up missing and I had thought to stow a copy hidden where no one would look for it. Someone told me that when you go public documents burn.

I had been warned that if we abandoned my daughter in the state hospital, we would face charges and the loss of our other children, not just the adopted sibling set, but our own biological children. The care system trumps parents say, bring this child home or possibly lose your other children, your professional licenses, and be put on the abuse and neglect registry. It is Least Restrictive Setting that is used to say that ALL children belong in the homes and then it is our fault that we are ill equipped to meet their needs. Even when someone gets hurt, we need to go against the recommendations from the professionals that we need to have them home to attach.

If you have to place your child into foster care system, the adoptive
parents often lose their adoption subsidies if they are lucky enough to
have one if you adopted from the US or if you adopted internationally
you will be charged with the cost of the child's care. I have even seen
where an adoptive parent was charged and they took not only the child's
adoption subsidy but the adopted siblings subsidy as well and handed
the adoptive parent the bill from the state and put liens on the parents home. The same state that adopted
the child to the couple and the agency hid the records. Adoptive parents are often charged with paying for the court fees to get help from the justice system when the Child Welfare and Mental Health Services fail. Too many adoptive parents face calling the police as the option of last resort. Followed by the knock on the door from the Child Protective Service Workers.

No wonder why parents take into desperate measures to find support, the wrong way. Because has anyone tried to Navigate the MAZE to find help for those most vulnerable of children who are the small percentages of kids whose needs are great. Some of us who find ourselves with a child with intense needs, we will get secondary trauma not just for the parent, but the siblings as well. PTSD in Parents of Children with RAD

We are held accountable for the failures of the Child Welfare, Adoption and Child Mental Health Systems, Medicaid, Insurance and Schools to have a Continuum of Care and a Safety Net. and it is time for all of us to stand up for finding Post adoption support services and a continuum of care for the the adoptive children and families so they can honor the promises. For those of us who have adopted from the United States Foster Care System we need not just a check, we need real help and not be judged and serviced by the child protective services the same care system that our kids came from.

We need a post adoption program and laws that will protect our families from the catastrophic costs of having a child with severe issues.

We need the media to focus not just about the adoption horror stories, but real stories of real families fighting the odds to try to help very complex fragile children. We need evidence based adoption conscious services and supports in all the service sectors and those parents will not resort to give up on their adoptive children. And for those children who do not fit into the adoptive home, we need laws that no do penalize the family for trying to find healing for the child and for everyone involved. It should not be seen as failure, but just another place to meet the needs of the child.

We did not give up on my daughter, or her siblings, but we did pay a price. Many an adoptive parent said that they were more traumatized not by trying to help their child. The trauma of the lack of support and navigating the systems if often times are much more damaging than our circumstances.

Postscript: My daughter is now 28 and she still has a family to advocate on her behalf and call home to and we have gone on to adopt another little guy with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome plus a host of other problems and he is thriving. We have full disclosure, we will do whatever and find whatever it takes to give him the love and supports to thrive. But we also know that we cannot heal his prenatal brain damage but love him and nuture him through his challenges.

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The Tiny Titan

Our Miracle

Tiny Titan, Journey of Hope by Ann Yurcek

Mom's Choice Award Winning Non-Fiction

Our Story

In 1989 our youngest daughter Becca was born with a rare genetic disorder, (Noonan Syndrome) and while she struggled to survive, our family tumbled into poverty. With Six children we had to live below the poverty line to qualify for help to cover her million dollars in medical bills.

Becca never gave up and neither did we.

When my husband lost his job due to Becca's insurance issues, he returned to school. It is never too late to change careers. Two years of undergraduate coursework and four years of medical school were supported by delivering thousands newspapers and thrifty living...and prayer.

In the spirit of giving back we went on to adopt five siblings separated in foster care. Leaving our home of twenty years, two families who both knew adversity moved onto the Hope of a new life 600 miles away to begin the Journey through Residency and becoming a New Family. Along the way we soon discovered that our newest children would be diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders and challenges from their histories of abuse and neglect. My strength would be tested, my advocacy skills honed to help my children with special needs. All the while bargain hunting and struggling to feed our family of thirteen on residency pay and prayer.

Our Tiny Titan showed us the gift of today and to never, ever give up. Our family CHOSE to not become a statistic of families facing catastrophic illness. We learned to live frugally, stretch a dollar, and find happiness with being together. I learned to navigate the complex world of advocating and finding help for my children with special needs. Instead of feeling hopeless, we found strength in turning the negatives into the positives.

My children are now all nearly grown, our family no longer financially struggles. My job is never dull, the kids keep me busy, there is always a battle or some barrier to cross to help my children. My husband is now a surgeon, my children make me proud as they live their lives. I have a new gift the enjoyment of being a grandmother.

With my book now published, the kids grown, I have a new opportunity... To write again... and share in the special needs world and take care of our newest addition to the family, McKellan Edward Yurcek was offically adopted April 16, 2013.