HOW DO ARMBAR?: Ninja Edition

Preface: Yes, I know May was Ninjas Suck Month and that this article is late. I'd offer an excuse that ninjas kidnapped me for compiling such a comprehensive desecration of their ancient secrets, but that would be lame and cliché. In truth I was cutting weight for a tournament, and sweating to death while subsisting on celery was preferable to reading posts about a system you're apparently not even supposed to understand until 5th Dan.

Kutaki
I didn’t know much about the ninja internet scene when I first started researching this article (for the same reason I don’t know much about furries or people who pretend to be vampires), but Bullshido member Virus was kind enough to suggest our first forum. I found so many terrible threads that I actually left a number of them out of this article for the sake of brevity. His anthrax is in the mail.

One of the things I observed in my time at faux-traditional karate school was the frequent introduction of unseen and extraneous tests at gradings, many of which had nothing to do with anything the students had learned in daily class. For ninjas, this apparently includes physical resistance and possibly the Festivus Feats of Strength.

These posters were kind enough to display their full names in their signatures so I could be more specific when calling the ASPCA.

I’m pretty sure taijutsu training involves sexual abstinence too.

If Shinoobie wanted an indicator he should have just watched his house lights dim as he was writing this post.

When this poster is found run over in the middle of a busy street, investigators will be baffled that half the tire tracks appeared to be going in reverse.

beechtrees’ plan will have similar ruinous consequences to the last time he yanked on someone’s beard, except Kimbo Slice is not your average department store Santa Claus.

I know I’m mentally sending violence Papa-san’s way…

Hombu dojo after-hours: a scandalous nest of hot gay BDSM action.

Two justifiably maligned arts square off not in a cage, but in a battle of terrible similes.

Kutaki also has a poetry forum, and DontPost has chosen to write about what I can only assume is some futuristic hentai involving Dell’s technical support hotline.

“My friend who I explore ki with (NOT GAY)…”

Martial Arts Planet Ninjutsu Forum
Even when I’m entirely disinterested in the community surrounding a crappy martial art, I can always count on its subforum at MAP to give me the bullet points people must use when arguing that Hitler “had some good ideas”.

Budo-Paladin’s thread on ninjitsu stealth prompted me to contact Oakley and Nike with a proposal for a new line of tabi shoes, sized only for small children and obese white men.

If he needs to learn how to move down a flight of stairs quietly, I suggest the same method I used to teach my little cousin: Repeated slaps to the head and face.

Hopefully some of them will cross-train this method with the aforementioned jumping down flights of stairs.

I wonder if one of the three traditions involved a pointier ninja hood and possibly burning a cross?

For xen, death isn’t really a reward but an altruistic gesture to the gene pool.

I’d remark on how Shirusawa H. is probably blind to the fraud in his own school, but it’s funnier if I just picture a teenage ninja spewing off lines from Judge Dredd.

jeremybeam wisely hides his ninja status, for coming out of the closet will only result in him being stuffed in a locker.

A wealth of exciting career opportunities await upon completion of your belt exam.

I should set these two up on a double date with the Lee brothers.

Little did she know, but this what about as close as that poor student would ever get to third base.

Bullshido’s ninjitsu posters
Since it’s become somewhat of an unintentional theme for the third page of HDA to be dedicated to a particularly awful poster, today we’re going to revisit some pieces by a poster named Koto_Ryu (now Vikingpower). That he eventually quit the bujinkan is a testament to the power of Bullshido’s better posters, but that he believed all this crap while supposedly being a grown man quickly erases any potential gain for your faith in humanity.

Clearly he was able to spread lies and stab you in the back because he was a better ninja.

Ninjitsu: The art of imitating the Korean assassin from Remo Williams.

Ninjitsu: The art of pretending you see your opponents as green lines of code. Woah.

Ninjitsu: The art of deception, or maybe just pulling things out of your ass (which would explain the underground gay sex ring at Hombu).

Kata is clearly devoid of timing since the time you spent posting on the internet about it makes you late for your shift at the mall security booth.

Usually I don’t have to worry about punching people who wear helmets since I’m not a hockey enforcer and cosplayers usually make their gear out of easy-on-your-knuckles cardboard.

I forgot to mention that most of these posts are from a single thread where Koto posted videos from his school as a good example of Bujinkan training, then started to drop the bar in a hurry once people actually watched them.

Special thanks go out to Boyd: Astronaut and intrepid explorer of the internet frontiers.

Before the thread turned into an all-out war between Hulk Hogan and Takayama, Koto attempted to throw down a smoke bomb and run away from the internet forum thread where he posted videos in order for people to judge his art’s merit.

That’s all for now. Join us later this month for RBSD, which is to say we’re going to see the exact same losers except with more modern taste in footwear.