Five Ways Technology Could Improve My Crappy Job At McDonalds

McDonald’s is the most tech-retarded job since drowning, so I’m giving my manager this list of new technology we need at the franchise. Some of it may sound risky at first, but so did World War II, and that became several award-winning films, so I think it’s got potential.

Ipod Shuffle for orders

Customers would feel better if they knew their order could be done at any moment, even if they’re number 300 and we just called number 2. So I say we take Apple’s shuffle technology and randomize our order queue. That way everyone has a small, but equal chance of instant service and no one can complain about waiting several hours/days/years for their food; they’re obviously just unlucky and should maybe go to church more.

Text orders

Most of our workers text on the job, so why not make it part of their job? It would increase productivity and ensure great service like this:

can I have a #1 meal with diet coke?

<*~Drive-thrU gurl 35~*>yeah i told him hes a huge douchebag

what?

<*~Drive-thrU gurl 35~*> sorry i was texting my friend. what did you want

a #1 meal with diet coke?

<*~Drive-thrU gurl 35~*> brb

<*~Drive-thrU gurl 35~*> some customer just texted me, anyway she so needs to dump him

still me

<*~Drive-thrU gurl 35~*> hold on a sec I’m making fries

for my meal?

<*~Drive-thrU gurl 35~*> last night he was hitting on her best friend

maybe they just need to communicate more

EZpass drive-thru

EZpass, that electronic card for tolls, could be given to drive-thru customers as an alternative to me having to talk to them. They’d set it to their favorite order, drive past the window, and our automated food cannon* would shoot the food directly into their car.

*might require medical warning RE: pregnant wife in passenger seat

Telecommuting

Our workers – or at least the smart ones – should have the option of telecommuting: that is, staying at home and controlling a robot arm in grill via the following control scheme:

A: drop burger (grill)

S: flip burger

D: obscene gesture

F: drop burger (floor)

Z: I need a cigarette break

X: no really

C: more obscene gesture

V: I quit

Pressing every letter on the keyboard at once would make the arm flail around helplessly while making screeching noises at everyone, which is known in the fast food industry as “having a meltdown if you’re a giant metal robot arm”.

PandOrder

PandOrder is the fast food genome program. It studies customers’ order histories and gives them suggestions for additional items they might enjoy. For instance, if a customer orders a Big Mac, it might recommend Good Charlotte, who employ similar harmonies and minor chord structures. If a customer ignores PandOrder’s suggestions for more than two orders it will helpfully threaten them in a scary robot voice.