A Thinner Tomorrow

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I know, there are millions upon millions of weight loss "journey" blogs out there but the reason I've decided to be the 100,000,001th is because I feel writing about my feelings like this would be a much healthier and productive way to vent my frustrations about my weight then always crying to my mother and sister about how unattractive I feel. Because I do. I feel unattractive all the time, probably about 22 hours out of the day. Even in my dreams I feel unattractive. And that two or more hours I'm referring to where I don't feel unattractive is that few hours of sleep where it's literal nothingness; your minds completely shut off and you're lying there, asleep. I feel like my weight is the big green conductor in the bitter symphony that is my life. 95% of my unhappiness is attributed to my weight and the mess of insecurities that have come with it. I don't wear skirts, shorts, dresses, tank tops and most times even regular t-shirts because of it. I ALWAYS have to have a sweater or jacket over them if I choose to do so. I don't even wear certain shoes or jewelry too because I'm so cautious about trying not to look big all the time. I'm so into fashion and I love dressing up and putting outfits together but I often find myself, after putting a master outfit together, looking in the mirror and asking myself, "who am I trying to kid here?" I then throw my nice outfit into the corner of my closet, put on my oversized sweatpants, and go on facebook only to refresh the already empty notification page for the hundredth time.

I have zero confidence in myself and the more I think about it the sadder it gets. I truly believe that no guy has ever found me attractive and that I will never have a boyfriend (I'm 19). I constantly hear reassuring "you're time will come," phrases and although the friends and family who are telling me this come from a good place, it honestly just makes me want to gag myself (not in an anorexic way...just out of pure disgust). I've gotten to the point where the possibility of having a boyfriend is so non-existent that I'm teetering on the border that separates the hopeful and the hopeless. I'm literally hanging by my pinky. The fact that I've never seen a flicker of a interest from the male species has also led me to hate them. Hate them for always picking the prettier, skinnier, stupider girl over me. And the worst of it all? Some of those girls are my friends (minus the stupidity). I have no one to talk to this about except my mother and just recently my sister who unfortunately fits into the category of people who don't completely understand. It's not that I don't believe in love, it's that I don't believe love will ever happen to me. I act like it doesn't bug me and that I don't care but between you and me......it kills me. I blame my weight for this. I blame my weight for never having a boyfriend.

And this isn't even half of my feelings! I just wanted to paint a picture of how someone, who's overweight and insecure about it feels. Hey, power to those people who are overweight, owning it, and loving it. You guys go ahead! But that's just not me. And it's not like the media is driving these feelings or being made fun of but, it's just how I've felt since first grade. I'll continue to share my story of why I feel the way I feel throughout this journey of mine because I want people to know (not that anyone's going to read this) that it's much more than that disappointment of not fitting into your old jeans and having to get a new, slightly bigger pair of them.