An Eaton Ford couple have stunned friends and family by announcing that they do not intend to have children.

The revelation came following a three-year relationship which recently turned into an engagement. Many thought the next logical step for Timothy Edwards, an attorney, and fiancée Amanda French would be to litter Facebook with scans of a barely-discernible foetus. “It doesn’t make sense,” complained French’s sister Clare this week. “There must be something wrong with them, like, they’re about to split up or something.” Edwards’ associate Marcus Alexanders, also an attorney, said “They must hate kids or something, surely?”

However, says Edwards, the decision is far more selfish than that. “We just quite like money,” he told the Citizen, “and children take most of it. I’m not really anti-children, but I have no active desire to produce any.” French told us that, “Should a pregnancy occur, we’ll probably cross that bridge when we come to it.”

In a further twist, the couple revealed that, unlike many of their friends, they were not planning to obtain any pets in lieu of offspring. “Really,” said acquaintance Ash Sandfield, 24. “I’m not having children so I’ve recently bought a dog, which, to all intents and purposes, will fill the role of a baby, but I can shut it in the kitchen when I’m bored of it.”

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.