Without mentioning pork products or Cedar Point, what do I put on a wedding website that will convince my out of town friends that coming to Cleveland for my wedding is a sweet idea, since ive been telling them the place ROCKS for better than 10 years?

Also....Great columns, i've enjoyed the reads.

Dear Grady,

Just announce that it will an open bar b/c you're NOT some retard from the east coast or Martha's Vineyard that insists on a cash bar. You'll have the time of your life...and CONGRATS!1!

Sincerely,

Lars

Criminals in this town used to believe in things...honor, respect."I heard your dog is sick, so bought you this shovel"

McChromedome and Angry Eyesore tell me email is dead and only twitter exists as a channel. So can we tweet them?

And did Napster ever pay up?

You can DM them to me in the forae also, unless DMing is dead too. You could probably tweet them to me, but I wouldn't want to force you to ask things in less than 140 characters. Some issues are way too complicated to be constrained to such tight limits. Plus, if you want to be anonymous, twitter isn't so good. Unless you DM on twitter, and then you may as well DM here.

And I didn't realize email was dead. I guess the 50 or so emails I get a day are zombies, or all sent by dinosaurs like me. Could you imagine conducting all your company business over twitter? "There's pizza in the break room" would work out fine but "Here are the plans to the top secret spy plane" may not translate so well.

As for Napster, once you declare bankruptcy, the lawyers start looking at everyone who was even remotely close to the debacle, and start suing them for the settlement monies. Numerous parties paid, and some money was reclaimed from the scrap heap when Napster was auctioned off (had $2M in assets and $101M in liabilities - nice work boys). So there was some money paid here and there, and I wouldn't be shocked if some litigation was still outstanding - it's really hard to tell.

Fucking lawyers are horrible vultures. Most of that money went to them, and the music companies got a few nice cups of coffee and a new chair for the receptionist.

jb wrote:Dear Lars,

While you are answering these insightful queries, could you give us your prediction on where Indiana high school phenom LBer prospect david "Boom" Perkins is likely to land?

Ohio State.

Yeah, so that's easier to answer now than when you asked. Lesson learned:

peeker643 wrote:Dear Lars,

Why is JB such a dick?

Has he always been a dick or did he evolve from a mild-mannered, contributing board citizen into a dick over time?

My theory is his catholic high school education set him on a path where he could end up as nothing other than a dick. Was hoping you might have a theory.

Thanks.

e0y2e3 wrote:Dear Lars,

Why won't JB let me troll him in his Lube thread?

Thanks,

Angry Eyesore

When my kids start fighting about shit I can't possibly begin to or care to understand, I tell them to go outside. Probably good advice when you're fighting on teh interweb too.

My wife has really been laying into me lately. She's clearly unhappy, going on and on about my job, my salary, my fitness level, my diet, my appearance, and my general usefulness around the house. It's gotten to a point where it's almost impossible to avoid a fight when we are in the same room together.

Become an alcoholic. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re a Cleveland sports fan. Which means, chances are, you’re already an alcoholic. Which is awesome, because alcoholics get to go to meetings, or if you play your cards right, rehab! You’re bettering yourself, and getting out of the house for long stretches. Winning. And when she goes off on you, head straight for the booze. She’ll feel guilty she’s forcing you to drink and back off. There really is no downside to alcoholism.

Interesting idea. I've been hearing good things about alcohol - maybe I should give it a whirl.

Become an alcoholic. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you’re a Cleveland sports fan. Which means, chances are, you’re already an alcoholic. Which is awesome, because alcoholics get to go to meetings, or if you play your cards right, rehab! You’re bettering yourself, and getting out of the house for long stretches. Winning. And when she goes off on you, head straight for the booze. She’ll feel guilty she’s forcing you to drink and back off. There really is no downside to alcoholism.

Interesting idea. I've been hearing good things about alcohol - maybe I should give it a whirl.

PS - Are we allowed to use "Fuck" again?

My philosophy: if you're old enough to do it, you're old enough to say it.

Also, aside from the drunk cig, do people actually still smoke? Like smoke cigarettes sober, in the day-light and while riding in golf carts?

Because he can. You have Holmgren money, you do what the fuck you want when you want.

As for smoking, if you can think of another way for work to allow you to fuck off 5 minutes of every half hour hanging with the other degenerates without the slightest fear of repercussions like it was high school again, I'd like to hear it. Society rewards you for smoking these days. When I used to consult, having a guy on your team who was a smoker was a huge benefit - he'd go out and bond with the smokers of the company and know what was really happening. Like a mole.

Do high schools still have smoking areas? I remember my first one did, and my second one, well, go into the woods behind and smoke whatever you want. Don't ask don't tell. Granted that was back in the single room schoolhouse days of frontier America, because I'm an old and miserable bastard. Hell, I still have a yahoo account! In related news, the earth, still flat, right?

Dilemma.....My 11 yr old has asked on several occasions to switch allegiances from the Browns to a professional football team. He is tired of the abomination on the lake, and frankly questions my sanity in maintaining loyalty to all things Cleveland & even the Buckeyes.

You see my problem. My son is intelligent and realizes there is something very wrong with his father.

The Buckeyes are a much easier sell with the recent Meyer hiring and #3 rated recruiting class.

He doesn't perceive 1964.

Jimmy Brown is likened to George Washington era wise. Lebron left town, and Victor Mart was his favorite Indian. He routinely sees ex-Clev players shine in the playoffs. One of the hardest things to grasp ( for him & me) was watching CC face off against Cliff Lee in the world series. "Dad, were they not both Cy Young winners?...and isn't that the type of player you want to have on your team?"

I am running out of excuses and optimistic projections, he doesn't believe in Santa, Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy anymore. What should I do? Spare him & save his life? Doom him to....this?

Dilemma.....My 11 yr old has asked on several occasions to switch allegiances from the Browns to a professional football team. He is tired of the abomination on the lake, and frankly questions my sanity in maintaining loyalty to all things Cleveland & even the Buckeyes.

You see my problem. My son is intelligent and realizes there is something very wrong with his father.

The Buckeyes are a much easier sell with the recent Meyer hiring and #3 rated recruiting class.

He doesn't perceive 1964.

Jimmy Brown is likened to George Washington era wise. Lebron left town, and Victor Mart was his favorite Indian. He routinely sees ex-Clev players shine in the playoffs. One of the hardest things to grasp ( for him & me) was watching CC face off against Cliff Lee in the world series. "Dad, were they not both Cy Young winners?...and isn't that the type of player you want to have on your team?"

I am running out of excuses and optimistic projections, he doesn't believe in Santa, Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy anymore. What should I do? Spare him & save his life? Doom him to....this?

Please help.

Distressed in Youngstown, pod2

This one's easy.

Remind him he doesn't come from a family of d-bag bandwagon frontrunners.

Then tell him to man up and stop whining.

That's what I'd tell my 11 year old if she ever said such ludicrous things.

In your most humble opinion, which is the better board game, Risk or Stratego? I would appreciate you breaking down the pros & cons of each in your answer, and it should go without saying, be as verbose as possible.

Thanks in advance,

Bored in Cleveland.

Criminals in this town used to believe in things...honor, respect."I heard your dog is sick, so bought you this shovel"

In your most humble opinion, which is the better board game, Risk or Stratego? I would appreciate you breaking down the pros & cons of each in your answer, and it should go without saying, be as verbose as possible.

The ability to hate is paramount and your friends list will likley shrink...which can be a good thing

I figured your favorite game would have been kick the can or pulling sticks out of mud.

I don't want to make Lars job any easier but you're wrong, way wrong. Risk, while a good game, is strongly based in pure 100% random chance. Chance plays no role in Statego, all skill, as much strategy and infinite set-ups, but can be played in much less time.

Criminals in this town used to believe in things...honor, respect."I heard your dog is sick, so bought you this shovel"

Does anyone get away with more false flavor advertising than The Doritos Company of America?

There isn't anything remotely pizzay about their Pizza Supreme Doritos, nor anything tacoy about their Taco, nor cheeseburgery about their Cheeseburger (IIRC, this was once a flavor). They're all just vaguely cheese-flavored. Really, the same goes for long-timers like Nacho & Ranch, but at this point, I've just lied to myself for so long that I've accepted those as representing the chip versions of their respective flavors.

The now-defunct Guacamole Doritos were really, really awesome--they gave you a crazy green tongue and some fucked up breath as a bonus--but again, they had absolutely nothing in common with the flavor of real live guacamole. Their similarities started and stopped with the color green. It was the wrong color green, but still, it was green.

The Sweet Spicy Chili Doritos. Also awesome. Quite possibly the greatest Doritos flavor ever, and while I suppose you could say there's a touch of sweetness there, spicy? Chili? Please.

Are we all just afraid to sue, fearing they may, out of spite, withhold from us their vast store of deliciousness?

Does anyone get away with more false flavor advertising than The Doritos Company of America?

There isn't anything remotely pizzay about their Pizza Supreme Doritos, nor anything tacoy about their Taco, nor cheeseburgery about their Cheeseburger (IIRC, this was once a flavor). They're all just vaguely cheese-flavored. Really, the same goes for long-timers like Nacho & Ranch, but at this point, I've just lied to myself for so long that I've accepted those as representing the chip versions of their respective flavors.

The now-defunct Guacamole Doritos were really, really awesome--they gave you a crazy green tongue and some fucked up breath as a bonus--but again, they had absolutely nothing in common with the flavor of real live guacamole. Their similarities started and stopped with the color green. It was the wrong color green, but still, it was green.

The Sweet Spicy Chili Doritos. Also awesome. Quite possibly the greatest Doritos flavor ever, and while I suppose you could say there's a touch of sweetness there, spicy? Chili? Please.

Are we all just afraid to sue, fearing they may, out of spite, withhold from us their vast store of deliciousness?

Is it indie or sad that I am one of eight people on the earth that actually have a Hostile Omish CD? Bought it in one of the bargain bins of the Lakewood Record Exchange back in the day.

Let's just go with "awesome". I fucking hate labels like "indie". You like what you like, and that's that.

e0y2e3 wrote:Lars,

How do you properly prepare Ghost Chile's? We were just discussing this at work and I could use experienced recipes.

Ghost Chilies (no apostrophe needed) are about one thing: mind blowing heat. The best way to showcase these is via the buffalo wing. With wings, the heat gets on your hands, lips, and tongue (and if you touch your eye or take a leak...). There is no escaping it, there is pain everywhere. Which is exactly what you want to do to your friends.

Rehydrate the ghosts (assuming they are dried, as fresh aren't usually available) in some vinegar overnight. Then grill or deep fry the wings, puree the ghosts and vinegar, mix with some butter, and toss them on the wings with a little salt and lime for flavor. And then you can bet on who can eat more.