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A lady takes her duck to the Vet's office. The vet looks at the duck and tells the lady "I'm sorry but your duck is dead". The lady refuses to believe it and asks the Dr. to run some tests to make sure it really is dead. The Vet brings out a Black lab dog, the dog sniffs the duck, shakes it's head and walks away. The Vet then brings out a cat, the cat sniffs at the duck, shakes his head and walks away. The Vet says "Sorry miss, but like I said your duck is dead" he then gives her a bill for $250.00. The lady is shocked at the amount of the bill and asks the Vet why it is so much. The vet says to her "Well if you had taken my word for it that the duck was dead the bill would not have been so high, but after the Lab report and the Cat scan it's now $250.00.
Stupid joke, I know but for some reason it made me laugh.

A man walks up to the ticket counter at an airport with several suitcases bring carried in by a porter. "I'd like a ticket to Philadelphia," he tells the ticket agent. "Also, I'd like this bag sent to New York, the other bag sent to Chicago, this other bag here sent to Atlanta, and my carry-on sent to L.A."

The ticket agent looks at him blankly. "Sir," she says, "we can't do that."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami
for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami , he's all blue, shivering and
shaking, damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New York in the moustache
of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are
th ere, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where
it's warm and cosy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next winter.

A year goes by...when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue,
and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said...I went to the
Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so
nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley."

__________________St. John 15:13 - Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami
for a vacation.

Last year when one flea gets to Miami , he's all blue, shivering and
shaking, damn near frozen to death!

The other flea asks him, "What the hell happened to you?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New York in the moustache
of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are
th ere, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where
it's warm and cosy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
next winter.

A year goes by...when the first flea shows up in Miami he is all blue,
and shivering and shaking again. Damn near froze to death.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said...I went to the
Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so
nice and warm that I fell asleep immediately.

When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of the guy on the Harley."

__________________

Whether I'm the rose of sheer perfection
A freckle on the nose of life's complexion
The Cinderella or the shine apple of its eye
I gotta fly once, I gotta try once,
Only can die once, right, sir?
Ooh, life is juicy, juicy and you see,
I gotta have my bite, sir.
Get ready for me love, 'cause I'm a "comer"
I simply gotta march, my heart's a drummer
Don't bring around the cloud to rain on my parade

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.

Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent! for starters, explain ing that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued ! to feel quite well. Since t he pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

__________________
the Clampetts are in a fancy Beverly Hills jewelry store.

Granny: "How much fer one o' them red diamonds?"
clerk: "Madam, those are rubies."
Granny: "OK ask her kin we buy one offa her."
clerk: " The ruby I am talking about is not a lady."
Granny: "Lissen, how she got them diamonds is her business. I'm just sayin' ask her kin we buy one from her."

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

__________________Rest in Peace to my Penny-pie. You really were a GREAT dog. I'll see you at the Rainbow Bridge.
Penny 9/1/97-12/9/09

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He walks up to the pearly gates and is met by St. Peter himself.

The good saint says, “Well Forrest, we’re glad to see you. We’ve heard a lot about you. I must tell you, however, that the place is filling up fast, so we’ve been giving an entrance exam to everyone. The test is short but you have to pass before you can get into heaven. You need to answer these three questions:

1. Which days of the week begin with the letter "T"?

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

3. What is God's first name?"

Forrest thinks for a moment and then replies, “Well, the first one - that’s easy. There are two of them – tomorrow and today.”

St. Peter’s eyes open wide in surprise: “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but, I’ll give you credit for that answer. How about the second question?”

“Hold it!” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this one, and I’ll have to give you credit for that too. Let’s go on to the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”

“Easy,” replies Forrest, “it’s Andy!”

“Andy?” exclaims the exasperated and frustrated saint. “Okay, I can understand how you can come up with your answers for the first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?”

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