My Journey of transformation on my quest for never ending love making everyone feel normal; one disastrous relationship at a time

Time Flies

Even though time was passing by, it also felt like it was standing still. The days seem to take forever, but the weeks were flying by. Before I knew it spring was upon me. Work had gotten extremely busy, dreads and I were on again off again and things at home were in flux. I really didn’t have a handle on anything. Outwardly I operated with precision. I managed my demanding job, my household, the bills, the groceries, the kids, the support staff that were in and out of our lives on a daily basis and I did it all with great looking hair. It’s always better to look good than to feel good. And inside I did not feel good. I’m sure I began to look worn and aged and thin. I have a tendency not to eat when I get stressed. I cook and I clean, but I don’t eat. Alcohol had been removed from my house all together in an effort to support and curtail any further incidents. There was nothing I missed more then a glass of Malbec. But we all make choices and mine was to give it up in an effort to keep things semi coppasthetic. I stopped having parties and entertaining. I stopped going to parties and dinners and friends houses because A) there wasn’t any time left in the week 2) I didn’t have any energy and C) I couldn’t really leave the girls alone. As I mentioned before it became a very isolated time. Mostly just my two best friends would stop in a few times a week and make me laugh or be there for support or just to sit quietly. I would never have gotten through those dark days without those two women. They were more then my friends, they were more than my extended family, they had become my blood. They were closer to me and my inner workings then my family was and for that I could honestly say I can never repay them. They jumped into action at even the slightest sign I needed help. They kept me afloat and if you don’t have a best friend like that find one. The world is a much rosier place when you have that bond with someone. They would just show up. And I liked it like that. They’d walk in, plant themselves at the kitchen table or on the couch or sometimes even in my bed since my room was the only place to hide from my life. They would giggle and make jokes and just being around them has always made me feel better. Better than any boyfriend I’ve ever had, more dependable than any boyfriend I’ve ever had, more reliable than any boyfriend I’ve ever had and basically I learned that I was wanting, hoping, comparing every boyfriend to act and treat me the way they did. With honestly, with respect, with support and love and with laughter. I wanted a relationship that mimicked that of my relationship with my best girlfriends. The unfortunate part is that men are nothing like women and I was most likely trying to hold them to an unattainable standard. No one could be as good, as reciprocal, as fun and interesting as my two best friends. However, they could be all those things in a different way and still be wonderful. That. That is what I needed. That is what I wanted. But seriously…did he even exist? And if he did, would he really want to get intertwined with all I had going on? A question still yet to be answered.