doing something with total love.

​You know, when you stretch a rubber band so far and wide, it becomes so taut? Then you let go, it flies. Or, it snaps broken. For me, last night was a moment where my rubber band was so taut and instead of flying off or snapping, it was unnaturally cut. Just like that.

The ability to completely detach myself from the situation and to step out and watch the drama unfold was unnerving.

a completely worn out mother (taken today) pc: eitan k

​Let’s back up a bit. Our trip to DC and a farm at South Carolina was amazing. It was constant stimulation in a good way. Friends, foods, environment and so NOT rv. In a way, it was like we were “home,” and suspended in comfort.

me on one of my 22 sessions done at DC; pc by Chloe Saunders

doing a session on a farm at south carolina, pc: oisin k

boys at the mural of union market @ DC

farm life @ T6 ranch

fast friends

technology, love it and hate it

inner peace

​It was fine. I felt fine. It was like a limbo of fine. And if you know me, whenever I say “fine,” it’s a lethal vocabulary on my radar. Then my friend asked me, “when you go back to meraki, what of your inner peace?” “I think I got my inner peace….” I hesitantly said and she replied, “I hope you hold on to it when you get home.”

That shook me up.

For the first time, since embarking on this trip, I dreaded my future. I am talking about when we get home. What then? Really. What? That weight of the world sent my confidence collapsing to the ground.

The best way to describe how I was before starting the trip is, I was a squirrel high on cocaine and trying to flee but its bushy tail was nailed to the cement. Now? I’m just a cat basking in the sunlight and purring away. Or so, I thought. ​So, that comment became deeply embedded in my subconscious as we headed back to meraki. I had the incredible urge to fly out of my skin, to lead pedal meraki the fuck out of there to go home, ripping off the plug and water hose as I fled.

As soon as we returned back to mer, it was awesome. We felt at home and even Oisin started dancing saying it was great to be back. Now fast forward to last night.

so good to be back to mer routine (the calm before the storm)

starting all over again

​Chaos. Complete utter mess of emotional shitstorm. My boys had become way too dependent on technology during the trip up north and went through severe withdrawal. Oisin especially. It has gotten to the point where he physically hurt Aidan several times, like real bad, slamming doors, breaking things and honked the RV horn at 10:30pm and I felt very afraid. I thought that the cops would come and arrest me, because from an outsider perspective, it probably sounded like I was doing the yelling, slamming, honking and making kids cry.

When actually, it was the scissor that cut the taut band, I sat on my yellow ottoman and watched everything in slow motion. I truly felt myself stepping away, mentally and emotionally checked out, as I did my best to calm Oisin down, to console Aidan and to soothe bewildered Eitan.

​When everyone calmed down and no cops came, we sat together and talked about different things, laughing and hugging each other. That moment was likened to us sitting in a circle and singing Kumbaya My Lord with a tired shaky voice.

Finally, slept overcame them but me. I replayed the last two days over and over in my head. I took a deep breath and have resigned myself to this fact: I have no fucking idea what I am doing.

At least I have some comfort in knowing that I don’t have to have it all figured out yet and that I am perfectly capable of being mommy-of-the-year-medal-worthy calm when I am cut broken.