Coast Guard vows to move to Canada if Trump is elected

BOSTON — The United States Coast Guard will move to Canada if Donald Trump is elected as Commander-in-Chief, Coast Guard Commandant Adm. Paul F. Zukunft announced at a press conference today.

“Frankly I don’t see the point in saving the lives of people who would self destructively vote in a guy like that,” Zukunft said. “Why would we waste the man-hours and asset capabilities? It’s pointless!”

Trump campaign staffers had reached out to Coast Guard Atlantic and Pacific Headquarters once it became clear Trump would be the Republican nominee to discuss the future the role of their service in a Trump administration.

“We actually got a call from the Trump camp asking if we could provide an ‘Elite Coast Guard’ that only saves people with a higher income and voted for Trump,” said Rear Adm. Mike Winiarski of Coast Guard Atlantic Area. “They even asked about the possibility of a floating wall in the Caribbean.”

Zukunft says a complete defection to Canada presents obstacles, but they are manageable.

“Oh we understand the logistical nightmare that this will take,” he said. “But considering the Category 4 shitstorm that’s headed our way, I think it’s worth watching these mouth-breathers frantically wave from the roof as we pass overheard.”

When asked for comment, Trump said, “I have a plan to create a newer and more better Coast Guard and it will be the bestest Coast Guard anyone has ever seen. They will save way more people than any Coast Guard in the world.” He then began to explain that all the boats and helicopters would be huge and painted gold.

“Yeah I’m not exactly thrilled to make this decision,” Zukunft reluctantly said, “But hey! Look at this Justin Trudeau guy! I mean, he’s a Star Trek fan and has the hottest wife. Now that’s a leader!”