It struck me today that I finally pulled the trigger in February. I remember long winter days being cooped in the house for days on end with sick children. We would be trapped at home with children who were either too sick to venture out or too contagious to expose to the world.

As soon as they would get better I would be beside myself with excitement to go to the library or music class. One venture out into the world and we would inevitably be back home with the stomach bug or a cold.

Those were some dark days.

It’s hard to believe that things will get better but they do. Preschool and kindergarten are the first glimmers of hope and things get progressively better from there.

When I see mothers at the grocery store or Target with babies I just look at them and can feel the depression from afar.

Before you have kids you think that going to the store with children will look like this:

In actuality the above picture will pretty much never occur.

For one, no mother (unless you are heavily medicated) would ever smile like that in a grocery store with children.

I spent many days in the store threatening them up and down each aisle. I would basically jog through the store throwing goldfish and milk in my cart while anxiously praying that nobody started crying or shit their diaper.

This is what things eventually end up like from what I understand.

Nothing is ever the same once you have children.

“But they bring so much joy and parenthood is sooo amazing!”

I repeat. Nothing is ever the same.

To all of you expecting mothers that think that this whole motherhood thing is going to be so cute and fun…..think again. I have warned you before – today I have a new message.

You should all be doing everything you can possibly do before this baby comes and ruins your life.

Go to Whole Foods and leisurely peruse the produce.

Go for a run or walk without a stroller and enjoy what it feels like to have your body and mind to yourself.

Listen to whatever you want to in the car and watch what you want on TV…it won’t be long before the Disney Channel takes over.

What you should do before you have kids is anything that is fun and enjoyable.

Even when you are pregnant you should do what is entertaining and fun for you…..not your fetus.

The other day I was waiting for my nails to dry at a local salon and was perusing literature that was left by an art studio.

I was shocked by what I saw.

Read carefully.

ART IN MOMMY’S TUMMY??!!

What the fucking hell?

Is the fetus going to finger-paint in your uterus?

Has the world gone insane?

I actually risked messing up my manicure to flip over the card and read more – because clearly this was a mistake.

So you are going to pay someone your hard-earned cash so that your fetus can paint??

ATTENTION EXPECTING MOTHERS!! THIS IS VERY VERY STUPID! FETUS’ CANNOT PAINT OR DO ARTS AND CRAFTS!

Does anyone actually believe that an embryo can create pottery or an oil painting?

Has everyone lost their goddamn minds?

Did I miss the information from my OB that fetus’ can participate in whatever activity a pregnant woman is doing?

Apparently in Reese’s uterus it is 40 love…

This fetus just did a Black Diamond slope….

This fetus just read 50 Shades of Grey…

And this fetus….

ok…well….this fetus is actually a drunk whore…

There is no reason for any pregnant woman to do any class to benefit a fetus. Certainly not a music or art class at the very least.

HA! I remember when my kids were little thinking – as soon as I rid myself of these children – I am going to sit at Starbucks all day and read a book and go to the gym for 3 hours….yeah right….hasn’t happened yet.

I always read but rarely comment… today I couldn’t help myself. You’re SO right. I have three – 6, 5, and 3. I share them with their dad, so I try getting my errands done on nights when they’re at his house, but it doesn’t always work out that way. I’ve left mid-shopping trip once at Home Depot, completely abandoning the cart just so I could get out before having a panic attack! Shopping trips are hard, and the “You’re SO brave!” comments fly my direction every time. I feel guilty when I reminisce longingly about my kid-free days, but then I read your blog and realize I’m not alone. I love them – REALLY, I do – but oh, how I wish I could just do whatever I want sometimes!

You won’t believe how luxurious the grocery store can be when you are alone!!!! As soon as you kick that 3 year-old out the door to preschool – you can enjoy an hour or two of running errands in peace!!! Hang in there!

I’m SO glad you put this disclaimer out in cyberspace for expectant mothers. I fully expected my first baby to come out of the womb with a fully-knitted cardigan. Boy, was I ever disappointed by their lack of talent!