Wednesday, September 18, 2013

TODAY IN WASHINGTON

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Speaker of the House John Boehner held a joint press conference this morning regarding Monday's shooting at the Washington, DC Naval Yard.

In a rare display of unity, the Democrat and Republican agreed on a "commonsense approach" when it comes to mass shootings. "My friend Harry and I believe that we should continue to do nothing to prevent these senseless tragedies from occurring in the future," Boehner said as Reid nodded enthusiastically. "All this talk about gun control, mental health screenings -- it's distracting us from the job voters sent us here to do, which is to prevent anything from happening at all."

"Remember the Sandy Hook massacre, when 20 children were shot?" Reid asked reporters. "All you guys in the press said, 'If this doesn't get Congress to act, nothing will.' And you were right, for a change," he chuckled.

When asked why Congress refuses to take any kind of meaningful action regarding gun control, whether it be background checks or mental health screenings, Boehner said, "Look, like everyone in America, we in Congress are afraid of losing our jobs. And the only way we're going to keep them is to pay attention to the people who donate the biggest amount of money to our campaigns. And for Republicans and a few Democrats, that happens to be the NRA. Savvy?"

Reid added, "The thing I've told my children about work is, 'When it's your name on the bottom of the check, you can do whatever you want. Otherwise, do as you're told.' That's why I applaud President Obama for prosecuting more government whistleblowers than all previous presidents combined. Fewer people will lose their jobs if they're afraid to stir the pot. What was the name of that book that came out a few years back -- The Gift of Fear? Well, this is a perfect example."

Boehner agreed. "That so-called 'chilling effect' the press is always yammering about is really a cool breeze of continued employment for those who follow the rules. And that includes not budging on gun control. I mean, you might as well save your breath the next time a massacre happens. We're not going to change our tune one note. I admit it's mostly Republicans who don't want to talk about it. But there are enough Democrats pulling the brakes to make sure nothing gets done, too. So when people whine about wanting bipartisan co-operation, well, here it is. Now get back to work."