5 Executions From History That Are Too Gruesome for Video Games

Recently, some guy killed his kid for interrupting his gaming session, which obviously means that video games turn you into a psychotic douche. Without them, we would all be living in a utopia, where everyone does amazing things, without ever knowing the sound of an ass being ripped along the seam. Just think back to the times when gaming did not exist… Yes, let us take a quick history lesson here and see if the likes of Mortal Kombat and God of War are indeed responsible for the most fucked up things to do to a living creature. We will try to avoid posting graphic images but WARNING: THE CONTENT WILL BE GRAPHIC.

5. Scaphism

Scaphism has a few variations, one being common in ancient Persia, so we know it actually happened to some poor bastard. Let us try to really imagine the process, in his honor. Now, what I find particularly disturbing about scaphism is not that it is a highly unpleasant way to die–there are lots of those–it’s that someone really took the time and the effort to think and plan that shit through, like it’s a goddamn term project.

Basically, what happens is they (some crazy-ass dicksacks) strip you naked and put you in either a hollowed-out tree or wedge you between two boats, with your head and limbs sticking out, so that you look like you are wearing a barrel for a bathing suit. Then, they force-feed you excessive amounts of milk and honey, making sure that it gets all over your body, until shortly, and not a moment too soon, it gives you explosive diarrhea. Still with me?

I feel like this is a good time for a word from our sponsors.

At that point, they set your sticky, hurting, confused and still-shitting-itself ass across some stagnant pond. You then float there for a couple of fucking weeks, being eaten alive by some shit-loving insects that you can’t swat off your body, moaning and echoing the most undignified sounds across some forsaken dead wood. Yeah. Video games just don’t make the time.

4. Caligula

If the name sounds familiar, you already know this is going to be fucked up. If it doesn’t, well, Caligula was a Roman Emperor of epic douchiness. I mean, Malcolm McDowell played him in the 70’s so you know he had to be one crazy mofo. And he was. Literally. He was the guy who made his horse a priest (every word of that is not a joke) and would often spontaneously engage in bizarre “acts” with his own sisters in the middle of dinners, right as you were about to enjoy those meatballs. Not cool.

Caligula was a fan of both the sick and the fucked up. One time, he ran out of criminals to kill at one of them games (and by games, I mean one of the blood orgies, they used to call games over there) so he ordered his guards to take the first five rows of the spectators and make them participate. Yep, it was almost like the Cable Guy, only hundreds of people got slaughtered by wild animals.

I guess that premium seating gets you a little too much sometimes.

But that’s not why he’s here. After all, this is not a list of the worst mass murderers; it’s about acts of murder that are particularly extreme. The above is just a prelude, to give you an idea of what kind of a man Caligula was, just to make the following a little more believable. Apparently, the dude liked to hang his victims upside down and then chew on their testies. You read that correctly. He didn’t detach them or anything, he put human male nuts in his mouth and crushed them with his teeth into peanut butter. Ouch!

3. The Wheel

The Middle Ages sound like the times you would want to stay the fuck away from Europe, does it not? Can you imagine kicking it with a dude from there? Goddamn, that would have to be one tough exercise in tolerance of a giant asshole. What do you even say to a guy, who hails from a world where one of the more popular things is something called ‘the head crusher’?

Think about it. Those guys came up with and built elaborate contraptions that could turn human beings into liquorice, and then organized around that shit for entertainment purposes. One such invention was the Brazen Bull, where they would place a person inside a brass bull and light a fire underneath. Sounds fucking agonizing but gaming has caught up with that one.

One I have not seen in digital form yet is the wheel. That’s when a bunch of those dickish guys from the Middle Ages would place your limbs between spokes and break every single bone in your body. After that they killed you.

Nah. They would proceed to wrap your screaming ass across the wheel and put you up for the birds to peck on. Yeap. Not only would you be dying in agonizing pain from having been turned into a goddamn jellyfish, you’d also have your eyes and other “softness” nibbled on as you helplessly roast in the sun. Fucking assholes.

2. Nordic Blood Eagle

I know you are bracing for this one, after reading the title and it’s not the second word or the third that made you worried, it’s the first one. In a list such as this, you wouldn’t expect Norsemen of around the Viking Ages to disappoint, and rightfully so. Though to say that they partook in a few brutalities is to say nothing new.

What you might not be aware of is what could happen when those guys got creative in the arts of the human meat salad. You see, many believe that the Blood Eagle was a common torture and execution method for Norsemen of the old. Despite its’ name, it didn’t involve an actual eagle, the animal, but instead was a process of turning you into one. Wait… that sounds awfully familiar…

Blood Eagle the Sunny way.

To achieve Blood Eagle, the vikings cut into your back to expose the ribs and then broke them in such a way so as to have them point outward (like little wings… awww). The end.

Just kidding but it’s not like you believed me. Anyway, they then went ahead and removed your lungs while they are still attached, so they are on the outside of your back, and then, to rub some more salt into your wounds, they… umm, rubbed salt into your wounds. Take a deep breath and imagine the sting.

1. The Shennanigans of Vlad The Impaler, aka Dracula

As his name suggests, this handsome devil was responsible for a grizzly murder or two. And I know what you’re thinking: a man with that epic mustache can’t be all that bad. Well, that up there is in fact the guy who inspired Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I mean his fucking name was Vlad Dracula and he was a member of the House of Drăculești and he was born in Transylvania… Sound familiar? He was the fucking Dracula.

As you can imagine, his murdering resume is pretty colorful. You name it and the dude had probably done it. His favorite method of murder was, of course, impaling someone. And by that I mean that he would often drive a stake through someone’s ass so that it came out of their mouth. And he liked to both eat in the company of the impaled and watch it being done.

I wonder if he was a vegetarian.

That is all that and all but we’ve seen that in games. I’m sure there is a Mortal Kombat Fatality of someone impaling someone with something, right? Well, according to some wood carvings, there was one Vlad’s deed that games don’t seem to have done yet. You see, he was also fond of cooking folk… as in boiling and roasting human beings… Aaand apparently, he didn’t mind roasting kids either… and then make the parents eat the meat. Oh yeah. In terms of sheer fucked-upness, this one takes the prize, I think.

Oh and by the way, women do love assholed because he was married twice.