M(3), 5/16/16: Better Late Than Never!

Oh boy, this will, of necessity, be short and sweet. Time (and fundraising snafus) have gotten away from me today, and a track meet is an hour from now!

Today we read Step 8 from the book Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Step 8, for those unfamiliar with the 12 steps of recovery, reads:

Made a list of all the people we harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step eight can be challenging to discuss in and of itself; it is tempting to mention it as a passing reference to a more substantial discussion of the meatier step 9 (the actual making of amends).

For my part, I shared how creating my eighth step list was much easier than I anticipated, because much of the work had been done in my fourth step moral inventory. I also shared that considering the harms I had done to others gave me a deeper gratitude for the relationships I held dear. In that deeper gratitude came an easier time accepting the character defects in others, since I could so clearly see how they had been accepting of mine.

We had an interesting mix of people in today’s meeting. The first group that shared had a significant chunk of sober time. The kind of time that can be measured in decades, as a matter of fact! From that group I heard a lot of wisdom that I honestly cannot hear enough:

Step 8 has 2 distinct parts to it: the first is making the list, the second is finding the willingness

Step 8 is truly a lifelong process, and there is no need to add stress by imposing deadlines

It takes time to discover that for which you need to make amends

The heart and soul of step 8 is forgiveness: forgiveness of self, forgiveness of others, and God willing, others’ forgiveness of you

The longer one stays sober, the more clarity one gains in the amends process

If the amends process is overwhelming, start simply, and stop doing that for which you need to make amends. If you’re sober, chances are you’ve already made a step in the amends process with many people in your life

The next group to share was the group with a relatively small amount of sober time (2 months, 3 months, 10 months). Their take on step 8 was just as fascinating, because they’re reading it and wondering at how such a thing works:

Do you list someone if you can’t get in touch with them?

What do you do if you made amends for something but you were not in recovery… do you do it over again?

How can you even think about these kinds of things when your brain still feels likes it not clear?

Of course, the great thing about having a meeting with a mix of people is to share wisdom, and the long-timers were able to give out advice that they had been given in earlier days.

One really interesting and new bit I was able to take away came from a question from a newcomer: what if you want to make amends to someone who has died? The standard advice I have heard in response to this question is to write the deceased a letter, visit the gravesite, or visit your place of worship.

But today the advice given was to find a living substitute. Let’s say, for example, that you were selfish with your time and thus missed out on the last years of your grandfather’s life because you were too busy drinking. Now you’re sober and you want to make amends to him, but he is not around. Find someone meaningful, either to you or someone who would have been meaningful to your grandfather, and give the gift of your time and attention to him or her.

I had never heard that particular piece of advice, but it struck me as a wonderful way to pay forward the blessings of sobriety.

As always, tons of good stuff. For all my fellow 12-step readers, please share any nuggets of step 8 wisdom in the comment section!

Today’s Miracle:

Having to wrap this up to watch my son run track is a miracle on every level… he is doing what he loves, and I get to witness it!

“As always, tons of good stuff”
Your phrase sums it up, Josie. This is exactly what I needed to read this morning. Thank you so much.
Good luck at the track meet–I’m sorry I’ve been away for so long. xo

I remember feeling pressured to go through the steps to reap the rewards of sobriety, though it makes more sense that they would flow more naturally and feel less overwhelming with longer term sobriety. I guess since meetings are a mix of sobriety dates, there is no timeline but I’m glad the newbies in your group get to hear it’s an ongoing process and there’s no rush.

That is an awesome comment, because it reminded me of something the person with the least sobriety said in the meeting. He wants so badly to get to steps 8 and 9, because the wants to just get on with it, but his head is just too fuzzy.

I remember having the complete opposite viewpoint… I was so happy in early sobriety, because I could just sit and read step 8, not actually DO it!

So early sobriety comes in all shapes and sizes, but the fact remains that this is not a process to be rushed.

My sponsor helped remind me that step 8 is a two-parter. I don’t have to worry about the making amends quite yet. Just make a list. I don’t even need to be willing to make amends yet in part 1 of the 8th stup. Just make a list. I kept imagining having to make the amends to these people and it was really screwing with my list making ability.

Thanks for the comment, Mark. I’m sure I heard the idea of it being two parts, but it really stood out for me on Monday. And it’s a relief, really…all you have to do is make a silly list. No big. You can even hold off on the willingness part.

My first time in AA, I didn’t have a sponsor and I made amends to people that I didn’t even hurt.
I had no idea what to do. I couldn’t find anyone to be my sooner.
This time, I had an awesome sponsor who helped me.
My list was very short.
And it was probably the hardest and most healing thing I did.
My husband had tears, as I never really apologized for all the times I had hurt him.
My mom was just happy I quit drinking.
My brother and sister just loved me.
My principal gave me a giant hug.
Amen!!
xo
Wendy

Wow. This is the second time in 24 hours I’m seeing something about the power of forgiveness. WIth Step 8, it allowed me to understand that my actions affected other people, that I wasn’t “only hurting myself.”

Sometimes I get down because there are people in my life I wish I could make amends to who are no longer living or wish to speak to me. The most important practice is for me to forgive myself and to be a good person to everyone else in my life.