5 Ways to Indirectly Ask for a Date

Although asking for a date directly can have a good chance of success (see articles Part I here, and Part II here), it can also be awkward and difficult. Therefore, some people prefer to take a more "indirect" approach to asking out a love interest (especially those who are shy or have some social anxiety). A less direct approach takes some of the risk and uncertainty out of the requesting. It can also make the process easier.

Fortunately, there are strategies and social skills to covertly ask for what you want. In fact, there are a number of compliance gaining strategies (ways to get others to do what you want) - some that don't require directly asking at all (Kellermann & Cole, 1994). Below, I will highlight some of these strategies and apply them to getting a date (with examples of "weaker" and "stronger" technique interpretations).

Indirect Compliance Gaining Strategies for Getting a Date

1) Suggest - This involves getting a date by making indirect suggestions. You get them to do what you want by proposing it subtly as an alternative.

Example:

You: What do you have going on this weekend?

Them: I was thinking about going bowling.

You: That sounds fun. I'm going to the movies to see (movie title). Maybe you'd like to go too?

Or (stronger)...

You: What do you have going on this weekend?

Them: I was thinking about going bowling.

You: That sounds fun. Or, we could go to the movies. The new one coming out looks cool...

2) Their Idea - This strategy makes someone think the request was their idea in the first place. They are left thinking they wanted to do it to begin with.

Example:

You: Do you know any good places to get Italian food? I'd really like some.

Them: Yea, I love the food at Mario's. Go there.

You: That is a great suggestion. Since you like it, maybe we could go together?

Or (stronger)...

You: Do you know any good places to get Italian food? I'd really like some.

Them: Yea, I love the food at Mario's. Go there.

You: That's a great suggestion. We should definitely go. When are you free?

3) Why Not? - This approach gets someone to do what you want by putting them on the defensive. It turns the tables and has them try to come up with reasons why they shouldn't comply (which is difficult). Essentially, you're asking them "why not"?

Example:

You: This weekend is supposed to be nice and that new restaurant opened up downtown. I don't see any reason why we shouldn't go check it out.

Or (stronger)...

You: You're single. I'm single. Why don't we go out sometime?

4) Benefit - This technique gains compliance by explaining a benefit for the person you are trying to convince. It is telling them "what is in it for them".

Example:

You: They have great cappuccino at the coffee shop. You might want to try it some time.

Them: That sounds good. I think I will.

You: Great. I would love another cup myself. Maybe we could go together? I'm free on Tuesday after class.

Or (stronger)...

You: You should really check out that new coffee shop, they have great cappuccino.

Them: That sounds good. I think I will.

You: Great. I would love another cup myself. We can go on Tuesday after class.

5) Challenge - This strategy works by challenging others to do what you want them to do. Think of it like a fun "dare", bet, or competition.

Example:

You: I bet you can't come up with a better first date than I can. I would...(explain your date). What would you do?

Them: I would...(explains date).

You: That sounds cool. Ok, you win. Actually, I'd really like to do that. Maybe we should really go? What do you think?

Or (stronger)...

You: I bet you can't come up with a better first date than I can. I would...(explain your date). What would you do?

Them: I would...(explains date).

You: That sounds cool. Ok, you win. We'll go on your date. What time should I meet you?

Conclusion

These techniques are both indirect and effective. But, I offer a caution before you use them. While they avoid the awkwardness of asking directly, they can be construed by some as a bit manipulative (especially the "stronger" versions). So, remember to use them with a smile, in a flirty, light-hearted way (like you're trying to be cute, not trying to con them). Even so, you may still "turn off" some possible romantic partners who prefer a more direct and "authentic" approach. Others, however, find the same strategies clever, flirty, and attractive. Ultimately, it is your call (and your tradeoff) between the direct and indirect approach. Good luck either way :-)

This strikes me as akin to the investment brokers who call and say they want to discuss their ideas, "So, is the morning or the afternoon better for you?" (Nearly all of them say this, so it must be part of their sales training.) The idea, of course, is to give me only two choices so I'll pick one; I pick neither.

Still, this doesn't mean the technique doesn't work in a general way. They may well get appointments by it.

I'll take your word for it that these strategems work more than they annoy. Not really my style, though.

Thanks for the input Richard. You are correct. These strategies are somewhat akin to those found in sales. Persuasion and compliance techniques are employed by practitioners in many areas. In fact, the "forced" or "false" choice technique is indeed part of "sales training 101" in many places. It is also fairly effective (at least on those it doesn't annoy), which is why it is widely used. But, it isn't for everyone...

Personally, I try to offer a variety of techniques that apply to a wide range of sensibilities. Everyone has their own style of finding love and each is looking for something different. So, after providing caveats, I then leave it up to the individual reader whether they prefer to be more forthright or indirect in their methods.

For those who prefer more direct methods, my earlier articles on "Just Asking" might be a better fit:
Just Asking for It! Part I
Just Asking for It! Part II: Why Dating Partners Say Yes

Cristina - Thanks again for your input. Here's one extra strategy for you :)

Hinting - Essentially, this isn't demanding at all. It is simply "dropping clues" that you'd like to be asked out.

Example:

You: It is nice talking to you. It would be fun to do it again sometime.
Them: Yea, it would be. I'm free on Thursday. Let's get together then.

Or...

You: I'm a bit hungry. I think I'll go to the cafeteria. But, it would be nice to have some company while I eat.
Them: I'm free now and I could eat. Let's go.

If you have not already done so, you might also want to check out my "Just Asking" articles. That is a more direct approach, but may come across as less "demanding". See my reply above for links or go to The Attraction Doctor blog post list.

This is to me is outright manipulation, puts the recipient of this type of tactic on the defensive by boxing them into a corner, to avoid the embarrassment of appearing rude. Shouldn't these types of strategies focus less on manipulating someone else to get what you want, and more on displaying an empathic approach to better understand what they would be comfortable with.

A former colleague tried this on me a couple of times, it made me so uncomfortable I finally cut off all contact.

To this reader, there is nothing fun, flirtatious or light-hearted about manipulating a conversation or a situation or provoking a response that you want. It's creepy.

The original examples were designed as "strong" interpretations of the technique. As compliance strategies, when used at full-strength, they can make some feel "uncomfortable" (once again, hence my caveat). In light of the above input, I have edited the article a bit to include "softer" endings of some of the approaches. These usually take the form of a question - which then doesn't "box the other person into a corner". Perhaps these lighter additions will offer a wider range of options.

I have a hard time with this approach when it is used on me, especially repeatedly. I have an ex who still will always say "Let me know when you want to ...." instead of just outright asking. e will do this repeatedly and honestly I have started to take it as he is not really truly interested in hanging together. I have been able to get him to ask outright and re-shape his approach, but it takes months. When I do bite he may cancel. It is weird, so I see it as disingenuine and manipulative. Of course, this could be just peculiar to our disfunctional relationship but I definitely prefer the outright ask and I will do the same for you! I don't need the game-y thing; I don't even know the rules anyways!

It's the attempted manipulation and steam-rollering which is the most irritating aspect. Also, if they're willing to be so manipulative to get a first date, what additional house of horrors are they waiting to unleash?

Thanks Sarah. It is always nice to hear what advice/techniques each person prefers and finds attractive in others. There is great diversity in love and dating. It is a lot like an amusement park. Some people prefer the fast rides, others the games, others the slow. To you, the ride that looks like a scary "house of horrors" can be off-putting - but others see it as fun and line up for it. Diversity makes the world go around...

Either way, these techniques are good to know. If you'd like to be part of that style of flirting, dating, and relating, then you can opt in. If you don't, then you are clear when someone else is using them, and can choose not to participate. Being "well informed" works out on both sides. Luckily, in the world of attraction, like usually attracts like. So, with everyone informed as to different styles, each can make intelligent choices and find who they like.

Ok maybe it's just a matter of personal preferences. For me dating should be fun and lighthearted. These techniques bring that kind of spirit to the game. They are actually similar to the way you would communicate with a friend and someone you are close to and comfortable with. You usually take it for granted that getting together is a given that both sides equally want and would enjoy.

So if you are too nervous the techniques are a fun reminder to get back to natural friendly ways as if you were friends. This is what confident people usually do and confidence and naturalness and playfulness are usually welcome in most social circles -and especially in friendship and dating.

If the two people like each other this is way to get the ball rolling which makes everyone happier...

If someone I liked used these techniques on me, in the inside I would laugh... which for me is a good sign anyways!

But I understand other people have more serious bents. So that's what makes life interesting. You never know! Humans are not robots.

Dating should be fun and lighthearted. You shouldn't really need so-called techniques to manipulate and coerce people into dating.

My friends and I don't communicate in this way, we are very straight forward with one another. In addition, I understand that everybody is different and some people are shyer and more reserved than others.

Nonetheless, I feel being as open, friendly and honest as you can be would be much more appropriate than the majority of the approaches advocated by Jeremy, most of which just come across as insincere.

When people are shy and they like someone they could feel so nervous that it could be very difficult for them to seem open, friendly and honest even if they are. So the techniques could be a way to put your best foot forward while you control your nerves.

At the same time a nervous person doing these techniques is actually flattering to me because #1 they like me #2 they are not suave so actually it seems even more genuine and #3 they are taking a big chance for me!?

I never said people are poor victims or robots, but I stand by my points and as I stated in a previous post, people are different, thus they have differing ideas as to what constitutes being honest and open and not feeling that the person who is asking for a date is doing so under false pretences.

The techniques espoused by Jeremy are fabulous for some, but for others they are underhand and creepy. As I've said it depends on people's personalities and sensitivities as to how they respond to such advances.

I think I would like the soft versions of the apporach. Like ana, I think I would interpret them as not very suave and I find the not-so-suave approach very appealing. It is flattering to know that someone likes me and is nervous about approaching me. It usually makes me feel more comfortable because I am nervous about approaching new people so strangely, seeing signs that another person is nervous makes me feel a little more relaxed (whew, we are in the same boat). I think it is also a singnal that they are actually attracted to me and not just randomly trying to pick up every woman who they run into, because who isn't nervous when they approach someone they are attracted to? Of course if some one is so extremely nervous that they aren't functioning at all that would be hard to work around, but sensing some nerves and having someone come up with a creative way to get to spend some more time with me is pretty enjoyable.

Just want to add one caveat to my previous post. While I find it super cute for someone to seem too nervous to ask me out directly, once we are actually spending time together I need to get some PRETTY CLEAR messages that the person wants to be spending time with me. I once had a guy ask me out indirectly, which I thought was cute, but then when we were together I couldn't tell from his language/body language that he actually wanted to be there. That made me REALLY nervous because I was thinking the whole time "did he really NOT mean to ask me out? What is happening here? Did I somehow just make a big faux pas by assuming that this was a covert attempt at a date?" I found that situation very stressful, so I ended up acting like a total weirdo. I never went out with him again and I'm still not clear on whether or not he was ever interested in me.

Amy - Thanks for the support and the suggestions. You make 2 excellent points that I would like to reiterate.

1) Using indirect techniques must be done "sincerely". In other words, the person must be genuine, interested, and probably a bit nervous in their asking. This makes the techniques flirty and flattering. After all, the whole point is that they are normally used by women who don't want to be "aggressive" and men who are "shy". In fact, I created these tips at the prompting of a woman who liked my "Just Ask" articles...but couldn't see herself being so bold to ask directly. Her sincere interest mixed with a bit of anxiety should be a complement to anyone she uses these tips with.

2) I also agree that there is a difference between "breaking the ice" with a technique, and dragging on the uncertainty forever. Individuals can be "indirect" initially to get a date (if they so choose), but it does not bode well for the health of the relationship to stay indirect for a long time. Partners need to feel connected and reassured by honest statements of attraction and interest. Your post above highlights the frustration that results if clear signals are not "eventually" sent.

That's why, for those who are "shy", I often advise combining an indirect request with a sincere statement of interest. For example, use the "suggest" strategy to get that movie date. Then, after the dating partner says yes, leave with the comment "I'm looking forward to the movie with you. See you then." That sends the clear message that the date is "directly" interested, even though she/he indirectly asked.

...It doesn't have to be much. Just once you seem to be getting a favorable response give them some little comment to confirm that you are interested.

It was interesting for me to see the variety of responses to this post. In my mind when I read your suggestions I was imagining them being delivered in a fun, flirty, somewhat nervous way and I really think these would work for me if I was interested in the person. If I wasn't interested then there is plenty of room to get out of them without anything getting awkward. I don't think I would feel weirdly pressured by any of these interactions. I would find it a playful way to interact with someone.

I wonder if some of the different responses are related to cultural differences. I grew up in a rural area and I recall it being common to communicate with people in indirect ways. For example, I remember an older male relative regularly taking what seemed like 10 minutes of verbal dancing to ease into the question of whether or not we wanted any fresh vegetables from his garden. For example, this may include him asking if we could help him out because if we didn't take them his wife would can them and he didn't like canned veggies, so really we were doing him a favor. This kind of communication was relaxed and playful and, unless you were late for work or something, it was pretty enjoyable. There weren't any real tricks to it because we all knew what was being asked or offered, the tricks were how to play with the words to deliver the message in a fun way. From my perspective extremely direct communication sometimes feels overwhelming, sometimes boring and, in worst case scenarios, bordering on rude. Where as I imagine people who are more familiar with the direct approach might find the extended, indirect approach baffling, time consuming, and bizarre.

For someone like me who has a hard time picking up on hints and also because i appreciate people who dare to ask for what they want, the direct approach is best approach. if someone clearly asks me if i wanted to do something with them, i get it. but if they're too roundabout, it gets very confusing for me, and i end up not taking them up - either coz i didn't catch the subtext or perhaps since they didn't have the balls to ask me straight out. its like people want you to read their mind. or they are afraid of being rejected, so they spin an elaborate web of indirect references.

having said that, i'm direct with people and very often they get intimidated or consider me rude. yep, i'm female and a foreigner.

For someone like me who has a hard time picking up on hints and also because i appreciate people who dare to ask for what they want, the direct approach is best approach. if someone clearly asks me if i wanted to do something with them, i get it. but if they're too roundabout, it gets very confusing for me, and i end up not taking them up - either coz i didn't catch the subtext or perhaps since they didn't have the balls to ask me straight out. its like people want you to read their mind. or they are afraid of being rejected, so they spin an elaborate web of indirect references.

having said that, i'm direct with people and very often they get intimidated or consider me rude. yep, i'm female and a foreigner.

I didn't consider Rock Climber Boy as a potential date. We would run into each other at the climbing gym by accident and then we started meeting up on purpose. The conversation started like so:

Rock Climber Boy: "Have you been to the other gym branches?"
Me: "Well I haven't been to the one in city x yet. I hear it's really fun."
Rock Climber Boy: "It is a lot of fun and it's out where I am. We should meet there sometime,"
Me: "That sounds good."
Rock Climber Boy: "What are you doing this weekend?"

The result of this conversation is we did go rock climbing together over the weekend and he suggested dinner afterwards since we were hungry. Although he considered it a date I was confused. I thought the whole thing felt more like friends until he insisted on paying for dinner. I made him really nervous when I asked, "are you trying to date me?"

Your example nicely illustrates why being indirect only works for so long. It can certainly be used to get a situation rolling, but eventually intentions, emotions, and definitions of that situation need to be clarified. As you so aptly put it, the question ultimately arises, "is this a date"? Or, "are you trying to date me"?

The only other suggestion I could make for those on the receiving end of such indirect requests (like you were), is that you do have a choice on how you try to clarify the situation:

1) You can choose to put all of the responsibility onto the other person to put him/herself out first by saying something like "are you trying to date me"? This really puts them "on the hot seat", because it gives them no indication of your feeling or interest in return. Using the word "trying" even implies that they might be failing at the task and you could be disinterested. This ends up being a "test" for them, and a safe place where you risk nothing. BUT, you may scare a good person off.

2) You could choose to share the responsibility and the risk for defining the situation. This would be accomplished by giving them some indication of your interest (or disinterest) and alluding to how you would like the situation defined. For example, "I really enjoyed rock climbing with you. Are we considering this a date"? Using "we" shares the responsibility...and also sets up a nice frame of mind for future dating.

3) Finally, you could also choose to go "indirect" back yourself. If you like the person and are sure YOU want it to be a date, then just make an indirect assumption that it is. Say something like, "This was fun. I think we could go on another date sometime. What do you suggest for our next adventure?"

I generally invite women along to do something with me and this tends to work well for a number of reasons. Here's a common example that can work in person or over text, phone, smoke signal, messenger pigeon...

"Hey there [name], I'm going to go for a drink tonight around 8 at [place], you're welcome to join me."

If they are interested and can make it, that's great. If they aren't interested, they'll likely decline and not offer an alternative option (different time/day/place) and you can move on.

Keep it simple and don't be clingy or needy. It's supposed to be fun. If you're super afraid of rejection, that's probably going to come through in whatever it is you do, so accept that rejection is just part of it, and don't take it personally.

Thanks for reading and sharing. I always appreciate contributions from others moving the topic forward. Your suggestion blends a number of principles together quite well, including some beyond those suggested in this article on asking indirectly. A few that I have already written about are:

While I appreciate these suggestions, and can see how, under the right (albeit exceptionally narrow/specific) circumstances they could be effective, they all tug at my "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE" strings and when I think about why imagining myself in these hypothetical situations would cause that reaction, it's because I feel resentful at intentional attempts at entrapment. Unless in one of those few (almost non-existent) and narrow circumstances, I would most likely find equally indirect excuses to turn down these suggestions and save for a miracle, I would never change my mind.
It's clear that the person who came up with these ideas knows a lot about strategic communication, though, and I'd love their thoughts on something i could better benefit from, like productive ways to think about the possibility of getting a no before asking, ways of being brave (in order to ask) and practical plans to cope with no before asking so that if it does happen, I'm less likely to take it harder than I need to. :)

Lovely topic that could use everyone's input.
I'm not quite sure that there is an exact science for dating techniques. I recently went out with a lady after exchanging phone numbers in a bar, it took her 2 days to reply to my invitation to go out.
She apologized for being busy and gave a possible chance on meeting on Sunday, that came and went with no text or notice.
I texted her in the middle of the week and added a more personal touch, she replied suggesting meeting same day.
We met and she spent the time talking openly about her past 7 years failed marriage experience and almost everything in her personal life.
She thanked me for the lovely night and I asked if I could see her in the weekend, she replied that she'll be busy with car checkup and I didn't want to press on it.
We said goodbye and she kissed me (on the cheek) and I asked if she could txt me once she gets home ( which she later did)
Next weekend I broke the silence by asking her how was her weekend and got no reply, waited for another 5 days to see if I could see her and the day has gone with no reply either.
Am I missing something or is it just mixed signals? Im so in need to know so I can correct my moves accordingly.
Cheers

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