What usually couples, consulting with me, share in therapy sessions is about their concerns for their partners and/or themselves in intimate relationships; for instance, one party sees a drastic change in another party; or one party sees disconnection and lack of participation of one party in relationship; or one party realizes their relationship has gone off- track and etc.

What causes couples to experience ‘disconnection’ in their intimate relationships varies and depends on their understanding and agreement on relational principles; the principles that made them connected and related to each other once.

A couple relationship is a relationship between two persons who agree on certain principles, usually based on relational values/ethics, to stay and possibly live together to form a family. This is a mutual contract and is valid as long as two parties are committed to supporting and maintaining their agreement.

Couples, who plan to live together or have lived together for a long period of time, sometimes face difficulties in sticking to their relational principles for many various reasons. Difficulty in internalizing relational principles goes back to what parents, educators and society as a whole has taught both parties when they are very young.

The relational principles may vary from one relationship to another and they may be introduced to every relationship differently. However, the core principles seem to be the same in every relationship; everyone wants to be treated fairly and respectfully; and everyone wants for his/her relational life what brings comfort, joy, connection and closeness to intimate relationships.

Every person walks into an intimate relationship with her/his own life experiences. No one requires having any particular education or a degree before entering into intimate relationships. We learn and understand more about our own personal ethics and our relational principles as we experience relationships/ life. It seems that the richness of life depends on the quality of relationships we are in. Relationships have significant impact on our identities.

Couples are, sometimes, caught into the pattern of “I–It” (Martin Buber, 1979) relationship and connect with one another as objects. Couples may be convinced through external forces to shape their intimate relationships based on viewing each other as ‘It’ and relating to each other as a means to their own personal ends. When individuals are objectified in intimate relationships, the quality of relationship is reduced due to the objectification of persons. The major problem with this pattern of connection is the absence of “You”; the absence of the other party as a person, as a being.

At a different state, couples realize that their relationship is not fulfilling; they are not seen as valued beings; they feel loss even though they are, physically, present in relationships; they become insensitive and indifferent to each other’s presence; and their worlds become apart and disconnected. When one is not cared or loved for who he/she is but for means that brings to relationship, when his/her beings is not valued as a person but for means that provides in relationship, an intimate relationship is about to go sour and collapse.

Relationships collapse when couples are trapped into the pattern of “I-It”. “I- It” based relationships don’t have a capacity to last and fulfill relational needs of parties; it serves couples temporarily. When couples are not satisfied, they tend to search for another It. Affair, abuse, addictions, etc are signs of disconnection from one’s own values/principles.

The pattern of “I-It” perpetuates and maintains itself in people’s life by convincing couples to replace one “It” with another one; it prevents couples from taking initiatives to dismantle the pattern of “I- It”. Becoming free from the pattern of “I-It” is not easy due to its history in one’s life; it requires reconnecting to one’s ethics, revising relational ethics and adapting a broader perspective that includes ‘the other’ as a being in one’s life.

In my sessions with couples, I engage couples to think and talk about their relational principles and support them to form patterns of “I-You” in intimate relationships. We explore what constitutes and supports the pattern of “I-It” in their lives and discover ways of reconnecting with personal ethics to build a foundation for relational principles in intimate relationships.

If you know couples who want to unwrap themselves from the pattern of “I-It”, please feel free to pass them on my information. For further information visit my website: http://www.taherehbarati.com

Parents / care givers are usually more concerned about their children when children’s misbehaving occur in different settings such as home, school and daycare. Children usually respond to problems with similar behaviours. Why do you think it is? You may have different answers to this question based on your philosophical and psychological perspectives. To me children’s problems are socially constructed and relational based. Changing behaviours seem to be difficult when social/ relational aspects, that contributing to the maintenance of behaviours, are not taken into consideration.

Having social/ relational lens on when analyzing children’s difficulties, I usually propose to parents, who consult with me, meetings with educators at schools or daycares to learn more about what maintains or contributes to children’s difficulties at schools or daycares.

What I have come to realize is that most teachers and parents are focused on ‘behaviours’ and want ‘misbehaving’ go away. It is sometimes seen that educators give attention to social/relational conditions that maintain children’s misbehaving. Most parents and educators have been trained to use ‘behavioural management techniques’ to solve children’s social/ relational problems. They mostly complain about its ineffectiveness to bring about change to children’s behaviours. The most well known technique that is often used in our educational system is ‘the reward system’.

“The reward system’ has a long history. It goes back to the early 20th century when behavioural psychologists such as Pavlov and Skinner experimented and invented terms such as ‘classical condition and operant condition’. “Operant conditioning” is a form of learning during which an individual modifies the occurrence and form its own behavior due to the reinforcement of the behaviour. Operant behavior “operates” on the environment and is maintained by its reinforcement and punishment. Classical Conditioning is when two stimuli are presented in close succession repeatedly, until the response given to one becomes associated with the other”. (Wikipedia)

In my consultation meetings with parents and educators, I invite them to talk about the downside and upside of using ‘the reward system’ when interacting with children. It is acknowledged that ‘the reward system’ might be useful when it is practiced with very young children- under 4 years old; however, it doesn’t seem to work for older children.

‘The reward system’ focuses on building and strengthening “I-It” (Martin Buber) relationships between children and caregivers/educators. “The reward system’ supports children to have and maintain relationships with objects/ desired rewards. It objectifies children’s relationships with adults and makes children think that adults are means to achieving their desired objects/rewards.

As you see, it is very difficult to break the relationship between ‘children and rewards’ when this relationship is protected and nurtured by many players such as primary caregivers and educators and in a larger context, by our dominant culture; consumerism and individualism.

This is the problem that most parents and educators face, today, and often talk about in my consultation meetings. Parents and educators, like children, are caught into this pattern of ‘I-It” (Martin Buber) as well. “I-It” pattern of relationship is a pattern that promotes instant gratification, use of means to achieve desired ends, and disconnection from personal relational and social ethics.

Continuing to use and teach ‘the reward system’ in our educational system will have long lasting negative effects on our society as a whole; it prevents parents and educators to disentangle their relationships from the “I-It” pattern; it slows down the process of supporting children to build relationships based on “I-You” and “I-Thou” as Martin Buber suggests as a way of re-valuing human relationships and re-constructing our society based on humanitarian values and principles.

Initiating conversations on the negative effects of ‘the reward system’ on children, parents and educators is essential. We need to be open to exploring and incorporating patterns of ‘I-You’ and ‘I- Thou’ in our relationships with children. We need to engage each other into conversations to give more attention to the importance of ‘concept development’ and formation of values and ethics in our children’s lives.

In my consultation meetings with parents and educators, we cultivate, collect and circulate ideas and knowledge to help children internalize concepts such as respect, empathy, sharing and so forth. Our hope is our conversations will have ripple effects on other aspects of children and educators’ lives and reduce social/ relational problems in children’s lives in a long run.

I would like to encourage you to give some thought to this matter and invite others to be open to reviewing, debating and changing the dominant pattern of “I-It” in our interactions with ourselves and others and also be supportive of the alternative pattern of relationship/communication, “I-Thou”, with one another.

The practice of ‘honour killing’ has been around for many many centuries. The origin of ‘honour killings’ and the control of women are evidenced throughout history in the culture and tradition of many regions.

Honour killing is rooted in patriarchy. ‘Honour killing’ is an unjust act; it is a justification for the selfish egocentric act when men’s power is challenged, and it is a calculated response to eliminate ones who disobey traditional norms.

Patriarchy is a social system in which the male gender role as the primary authority figure is central to social organization, and where fathers hold authority over women, children, and property. It implies the institutions of male rule and privilege and entails female subordination. (Wikipedia)

Patriarchy is an unjust social system that is oppressive to women. The right to live for women and children in families and communities is conditional to their obeying social and cultural norms and traditions.

Western societies have come a long way to establishing an egalitarian social system that honours gender differences and respects the right to live for every person in society and families. Under the practice of the rule of law, patriarchy became less and less apparent and more and more restricted and limited in social interactions!

It is important to acknowledge that many social movements have played an important role in the reduction of patriarchy in western societies. Social movements such as human rights movement, the feminist movement and anti- oppression movement.

I believe there is a need for a global movement against patriarchy. Without intensive collective actions against patriarchy, ‘honour killing’ may continue in many different societies.

We need to begin a talk on the role of patriarchy in establishment and maintenance of tyrannies in the world. Tyranny and Patriarchy! Yes, they are linked together and feed each other off.

I believe that we need to put our acts and efforts together to aim and dismantle ‘patriarchy’. Dismantling patriarchy doesn’t require wars, it doesn’t require strong military actions but it does require a grand vision. A vision that promotes peace, liberty and human rights among people despite any differences in gender, race, sexual orientation and religion…