Thursday, April 9, 2009

Today I am going through quite mixed feelings... I want to remain quiet and not speak to anyone. i just don't feel like. Then on the other hand I am unable to find any reason for that. I am happy...without any special strong tension on mind. The dance from last night is still fresh in my mind and the feeling makes me smile everytime i think of it. I am trying to focus on work and wrap up some of it today (atleast thats the plan for the day) But yet something unknown to me is going on somewhere inside and not letting me feel good. Every few minutes i feel sad for no obvious explanation at all. I came in half hr late at work. Haven't spoken a single word for around 4 hrs now. Last word i said was BYE to my hubby when i left for work this morning. Strange mixed feelings.

It is weird how that "small-looking" area at the top of our body rules everything we do or feel. In case you are confused at what i am talking about - i am trying to refer to brain in my own style. We are such a slave to that "brain". Every action is ruled from there - the top most storey of the creation called body. Though; every now and then the tiny heart also tries to by-pass the judgements passed from there and take over the decision making role yet its not the boss. Heart keeps trying to give its own independent view about everything. It does succeed many times but then brain takes over quickly. The quest between heart and brain is going on ever since the body was created. And the fun part is this quest goes on in "every" single creation. And Brain always gets elected as the one who can have all the power.

I am also witnessing one such quest today. Brain says - focus on work, whats wrong..nothing is wrong around, everything seems to be fine, every related thing seems to be happy - so just concentrate, smile and work. But heart feels something else. Heart feels low. It says - its ok to be sad sometimes for no reason, its ok to not talk, its ok to embrace silence once in a while.

And I as a soul and a body am struggling for the heart and brain to reach a consensus.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I just had the most beautiful and happy hour in a long time. Guess what...

Prisha and I danced together for an haur on DAler Mehndi Punjabi numbers, old hindi remix songs and some more. It has been such great fun. We both laughed, danced, hugged, jumped and had a gala time. I would like to do this more often. Its been sooooo sooo wonderful a feeling.

Wish I could get more moments like this to experience such marvellous activities together.

Today i just felt i should start writing...again. So i am back here ...once more...with determination to pen down something every other day atleast. First few days might have boring and negative posts mostly full of rantings..but i want to keep penning down something. Readers - Please bear with me!!

Life has been on a rought road for quite sometime now. Job world is shaky, personal life planet is not getting any attention, people around are behaving different...etc etc etc. And - dont know why - but all this affects me a bit too much. I have this horrible habit of keeping everything inside and suffocating myself from inside while people involved and responsible for that rejoice and have all the fun.

It hits me hard when i dont like someone's behaviour or a particular action but am absolutely unable to say anything. Evereyone - intentionally or unintentionally - gets his/her things done and I am left wondering what the hell am i doing.

Work is getting sick with every passing moment. I don't enjoy it any more and to such an extent that i have a pile of pending issues to work on but I am just unable to do anything about it inspite of knowing very well that it can cost me my job. I hate to be in such helpless situations.

My state-of-mind curve keeps changing... its more of a wave than just a curve.

I am trying to deal with it and get on more stable path..but things just refuse to happen in my favor. Or it's just me being too pessimistic.