1/25/2012

Update: Jobs and Cops

So glad I'm not working right now. And yet. . . I'm ready and wanting to find another income stream, especially considering my supervisor will be hiring another teacher soon and my hours will go back down.

Any ideas for me in terms of job search strategies or possible employers? I think I've shared a lot about my work background but to revisit: I have a Masters in Psychology and lots of experience with career counseling, interactive theatre (especially using it for self and career development and community building), as well as communication and curriculum development. Work environments have more recently included Non-Profits, Private Non-Profits, and community colleges, but in the past, businesses as well.

Ideally, I would find something part-time, since I'm already working 15-20 well-paid hours through my current grant. I really wish I could find paid work for the Transition Town movement. Maybe I should at least ask Transition U.S. if I could submit my resume, though I know they are a pretty lean organization.

I found a few possibilities on job sites and am applying for them today. And there may be some extra hours I could get from other grants at the community college where I work. My supervisor gave the green light to talk to the head of our department about it. Wish me luck!

In the oh-so-fun dating arena, the situation with the COP has had a couple more ups and downs.

On the second and most recent date on Monday, we walked around a local reservoir. The chemistry was definitely still there, but I think our ongoing drama has created reticence in both of us. It was a beautiful walk. We stopped and walked out onto a secluded dock at one point and made out a little. :-)

Continuing on, he talked a lot about the stress he was under in his job, the traumatic domestic and violent situations he's dealt with, how humor was such a huge coping mechanism, but he knows what he went through has affected him and created a lot of repressed emotion (my wording). He said if he ever got counseling, he would need to talk to someone who had been a cop and could understand his reality.

This may sound callous, but I was empathizing and really with him up to a point, but then I wanted him to ask about me and give me some air time. He basically talked most of the time and was very absorbed in his own feelings. At the end he asked me what was going on. I said I knew I couldn't really understand what he'd been through, but I needed to say that I did think it would be good if talked to someone - that he would have access to more of himself - and he agreed.

I also said I was needing to know he was interested in me and requested that he ask me a question (yes, I am that direct sometimes). Well, he got all defensive. We got past it and ended up being kind of romantic at the end, but my heart wasn't totally in it. I'm just really wanting more consciousness in my relationships now, and the ability to communicate and hear one another at deeper levels. Anyway, we have decided to take a break for a few days and check back in this weekend.

In this break, he is supposedly deciding if he wants to work on himself and try and be more open to communicating and hearing feelings. So far, when I express vulnerable feelings, it makes him uncomfortable and he deflects with jokes or defensiveness.

Believe me, I know that I have issues, and I certainly don't expect him or anyone I date not to have them, as well. But more self-awareness = more ability to take responsibility for our own actions and reactions; to acknowledge when we have treated the other person unfairly from a place of being "triggered" into some old pattern.

In addition to the date described above, and as I shared about in the previous post, he has really put me through the wringer with his unconscious communication. It's been intolerable. I told him I don't have the emotional fortitude to withstand it. Basically, he communicates a bare minimum through texts and leaves me hanging for periods of time. He rarely initiates phone calls and doesn't follow through on making plans to meet. He'll seem interested in getting together, and then something "comes up," like needing to help his roommate, and he says he can't. But in our conversations, he's often intensely romantic and plaintively says he misses me and wishes I was there with him. When I've confronted him on his crazy-making behavior, he's admitted to feeling a lot of fear because I can "get inside his head." I'm sure his recent divorce also plays a role.

We've met two times, and it's like we've had an entire relationship, complete with several break-ups. Too much drama! I knew it was not conscious or healthy enough for me pretty early in, but the energy and chemistry we had was really seductive. I haven't had that strong of connection with anyone for a long, long time. And he made me laugh, and who can resist a man who makes you laugh?

But the drama has dampened all that. If he decides he really wanted to work on himself, then I will consider trying, but otherwise, I'm done.

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About Me

Hi, and welcome to my blog! I'm a Bay Area woman in her forties, doing my best to live a compassionate, authentic life. This blog follows my adventures in dating, career, family, and personal and spiritual development. I like to analyze! ...but try and keep a sense of humor. This started out as a ttc blog; after stepping away for a while, I'm back on the train and re-focused on donor embryo or adoption in the near future.