my journal

This is a discussion on my journal within the Trading Journals forums, part of the Reception category; Good idea. But then you gotta do it while you're young and don't need a dentist, hospital or anything from ...

Good idea. But then you gotta do it while you're young and don't need a dentist, hospital or anything from civilization. I already know that some things from civilization are necessary, having undergone surgery for a tumor a few years ago (in my head), which only added to my anger against incompetent people (in this case surgeons).

This ******* is now talking on the phone AND listening to the radio at the same time, not giving a **** that I might have to focus on the work I am doing in his place, enabling him to do nothing all day. This is Italy, and I work at a bank where the majority only pretend they're working. Only about one fourth works efficiently and for several hours a day. The rest of the people are making phone calls and taking several coffee/cigarette breaks.

My colleague in particular is one of the worst examples. He actually takes off during work hours to go have sex with a married woman (he's having intimate phone conversations with her all day long), and he's married, too, but that married woman he's having sex with is not his wife - not that he told me, but it's easy to figure out (he talks to her on the phone and goes to meet her, during work hours, and then comes back an hour and a half later). This is where I am working, with a bunch of scumbags - showing no taste, intelligence, goodwill, or respect for anyone.

Once you know this, it's easy to understand how quickly one can become a "genius" or be called "the excel expert". All you have to do is work normally (5 hours a day is more than enough) for a few years, and you're perceived by everyone like the top expert on anything related to work, which they carefully avoid.

I can't wait to get out of here, and be as far as possible from average people.

Ok, here I am. Back at the office. The moron in front of me didn't turn his radio on yet, and I almost feel uncomfortable because I don't know what other abuse may be coming. The other slut to the left has walked in a minute ago and she's already on the phone with her family, talking about something not related to work of course, and she'll keep doing it all day long.

I am writing here, but I have worked before, and I will work afterwards. A whole life of hard work, whether my work was acknowledged or not (when they failed me in highschool). I can't conceive wasting my time, and I either work on my own things or whatever work is required of me, or rather whatever work is useful that I do.

In the weekend I spent the whole time developing systems again. Basically the concept is that I have about 40 systems, and they all produce about a 100% profit per year.

1) Now, if these systems were trading all the time, I would just make a profit of 100% per year, which is not much to me (because I am intense, not patient, and I want strong emotions, and all the other reasons listed in previous posts).

2) But these systems are not trading all the time. On average each system trades less than 5% of the time. Which would mean, if they traded at random and non-related moments, that I could use as much as 50% of capital (5% of systems is 2, and therefore you allocate half of your capital to each one). If that were the case, I wouldn't just make 100% a year, but that figure multiplied by 20, because I'd be allowed to use half capital on each system at all times.

3) Unfortunately these systems tend to trade in the same time zones, so it ensues that, despite the fact that they trade rarely, about 10% of them (that is 4) are trading at each moment (and then there are plenty of dull moments, when no systems are trading). So one can only allocate 25% of capital per system. This is like having a very diversified investment, that returns about 100% multiplied by the systems you have (40) and divided by the systems you need to trade on average at the same time (4).

I got home, finally. Today they really exploited me at work. About ten people from different offices came and asked me for some technical work, related to excel or computing in general, databases and so on. I am not paid to work for all these people, but that's how things happen in my bank. Those who work are overloaded, because they are scarce. The other two thirds just sit and listen to the radio, talk on the phone about their own private business, go on coffee breaks, and feel guilty I hope.

For discretionary trading you need first of all a specific and rare emotional balance, which is very hard to develop if you don't already have it. Hard work is not enough and may even hurt you (overtrading).
For automated trading instead, the first thing you need is hard work, whereas your emotional balance won't matter or may even hurt you: being an obsessive perfectionist is a requirement.
Most people are not balanced enough to be profitable at discretionary trading, nor are they imbalanced enough to be profitable at automated trading.

Tonight I was upset and I wanted some action. The systems didn't trade at all in the last few hours and I was feeling bored. But I didn't make any trades, because by now I've already gotten used to not making trades no matter what. Sure, I could relapse like in the past. But by now it's a lot easier to not trade (discretionary). So tonight was one of the many situations in which I didn't lose money thanks to automated trading, because, as a discretionary trader, I would have looked for some action. And I don't know how many discretionary traders can have so much balance that they never trade out of boredom or frustration, and yet doing it once is enough to lose everything.

I don't know for how much longer I'll keep writing here, or on the internet.
I know that I might disappear if I'll make any money in the future, which so far has only been a hypothesis and not a reality because for a reason or the other I've always managed to give everything back.

I might disappear not in the sense that I'll kill myself, but in the sense that I won't spend time on the internet, because there would be no reason. My first act as a millionaire or even less... my first act as a "half millionaire" will be to quit my job, as I said many times. Then I will do nothing for weeks. This is how I picture it. If I can't quit it soon, within a few months, then I'll go on part-time from 9 to 13. That's 4 hours of work a day, that's all. More than enough time to be spent with the guy who plays the radio.

So first of all, I'll go part-time, 4 hours a day. Then I'll quit my job. Then I'll spend a few weeks at home, alone, drinking beer, to purify myself from years of work. Not just work, but specifically work in the company of beasts. Maybe I'll smoke some cigarettes as well.

Then I'll go to Amsterdam, for prostitution and drugs. Spend one month there. At the end I'll be feeling much more normal and relaxed. I'll go there with a friend. Finally.

Then I'll go on a cruise, around the world, or at least for a few weeks.

Then I'll go to live by the sea, and never move again from there.

Talking about this keeps me alive. Tomorrow, one more day to spend at the office with the moron who plays the radio, and the slut who talks to her children all day long on the phone. Another 87 days at work, and then most likely I'll go part-time to just 4 hours a day. Hopefully they'll let me. Right now I am doing part-time until 15.30. Then I'll do it until 13.00. I wish I just got fired. Maybe not now, but in a few months. I wish I could get fired in 3 months. That way I won't have to justify it in front of my parents, justify the fact that I am quitting my job sooner or later. Because to everyone that's like a crime. Trading to them is supposed to be a hobby. You should work until regular retirement and trade as a hobby. The problem is that trading is not fun at all, and that I only do it in order to get the money to quit my job, but to them that's just like saying "I will win the lottery", so they can't understand and talk to me like they'd talk to a "compulsive gambler", which I partly am, as well. But I am not only that.

I can't sleep. This is yet another one of those situations, where I've done to myself something I knew from experience that I would regret. Yesterday I ate too much: hot dogs and ketchup. And I knew each time I eat that much that I will wake up in the middle of the night. Also, I worked too much, so there's some rebellion in myself towards work. I just wrote to my boss a text message about tomorrow. I said: "Look, I can't sleep. It's up to you to decide whether you want me to come in late, or you want me to not come at all and call in sick. I don't want to be reprimanded for coming late, as you usually do". Hopefully by the time I wake up tomorrow morning at 11 am, I will know what he wants. Most likely he'll say to go late, but then he will have to treat me like a hero for going (while others pretend they're sick), rather than scolding me for going late.

Just like Travis in Taxi Driver, who said "I can't sleep at night" when he applied for being a taxi driver. I am similar to him in many ways.

Then I had that problem with that friend of mine. The guy who wanted me to give him all my work. He keeps on asking me how I am doing, how much... and so on, and that bothers me. Yes, I was the one who started everything, by telling him "today I did great", "I did so and so", but one thing is if I decide to tell him, and another thing is to be asked how much you made or you lost today. I told him to stop, he keeps on insisting to find out, several times during the same phone call, so I write him a bunch of emails explaining him why I won't call him any more, since he insists so much. Also, not to mention (which I did mention) all the favors he keeps on asking, such as: explain this and that to me, fix this and that, do this and that for me. A never-ending list of requests. Then I get the same thing at work from everyone, so basically all these people who have never-ending requests, I tend to eliminate them from my life. Because they contribute to my inability to sleep.

Also, cold somehow makes me sleep better. If it's a bit too cold, then I sleep for 8 hours straight. Instead, if it's a bit too hot, then I wake up several times. Somehow it was still too hot tonight. Anyway, in a while I'll go back to sleep again, in time for waking up at about 10 AM, or even sooner. Or even not waking up at all to go to work. After that text message, I should be considered a hero, even if I don't go. For all the times I went late, because now I reminded him that those times I also could have called in sick, but I went instead. It seems a joke that I should be complimented for going late, but it is only fair, given my situation, my work overload (with most people doing nothing).

The "erraticness of your writing". Some fool on another section of this forum told me my writing was erratic, but he's just a fool. I am as logical as anyone can be. I am sincere and I put in a post everything I think (and maybe then we all think erratically). I threatened to place him on my ignore list, but then he almost apologized. Still, I am going to look for him and place him on my ignore list right now. Oh no, wait: he was already on it. Good, well done. That's what you get for using the expression "the erraticness of your writing is hilarious" or something like that.

Anyway, I was thinking of not writing anymore. By now I am not a novelty anymore, everyone knows what kind of stuff I write, and only about 50 people read my journal every day. What's good is that it doesn't count my visits, and hopefully it doesn't count refreshes as visits (but then I don't know how it measures visitors). Still, I am being read by at least 50 people a day. That's a lot. A lot more than I was getting on my blogspot blog, which wasn't nearly as much of a journal as this one. Besides, if anyone comes here, it's to read exactly what they know I write, since I didn't use any catchy title, but simply "my journal". So as I said, despite the readers, I was thinking of not writing, and not because the readers are decreasing. Actually, the less I get read, the better, because most people are inadequate for reading me, so I'd rather have a few perfect readers than a bunch of readers, who'll then reply with a lot of smilies and short mocking sentences, like I got on other forums. But here it's not happening very much. I got lucky, finally. I am not "erratic", you fool, I am just writing down almost everything that I think. It's called being "sincere", you fool. The "erraticness of your neurons", that's what we should talk about.

So, once again, as I was saying: I wasn't thinking of not writing here because of decreasing readers, which is rather good, but rather because I don't want to give too many details about my trading. Which sounds like a joke because I am rarely talking about it, but still talking about it. On the other hand, my sincerity has always benefited me (I am sincere, and I don't lie, except in life-threatening situations, or when I might offend someone). So I then decided against it, and that I will keep on writing. After all, it's thanks to my sincerity on financial forums and on the web in general, that I met a few great people who helped me achieve my trading objectives. Specifically two people, E.P. and R.M..

What I always found interesting about these two people, and my meeting them on the internet is that I never met them but with the knowledge they transferred to me, via internet, it's as if they gave me millions. Millions of dollars worth of information and help. And yet I never met them in person. It's striking to me, considering the things, the misconceptions about internet, by the majority of people. What it is generally said is that internet abounds with dangerous people, and useless and unreliable information. Instead what I got is invaluable help that will make me millions. I got more information and help on the internet in a few years than I ever got in my life from any other sources. What's good is that it allows you to cut the bull**** and get to the point, in an increasingly selective way, and I am all about that: focusing like a laser beam on something. Focusing obsessively. As McMurphy said: I'm a goddamn marvel of modern science.

This post is coming out quite good (well worth skipping work), like all sincere posts, and it's sincere like all posts I write in the middle of the night. In the few minutes after waking up, I experience the most intelligent mind I ever have during the day. Kind of like when you reset your computer: that's the brightest and fastest it's ever going to be. Sometimes I wake up with some ideas for my systems. It's as if I've been thinking about it all night, subconsciously, and then I wake up with the pre-made idea and concept, that needs no developing on it, and it's like getting the fruit of an hour of thinking, without even noticing or remembering the hour of thinking.

Congratulations on the software managing the forum and on the settings chosen (what to show, spell checking, what works and what doesn't... etc.): all quality choices, just as good as EliteTrader. The two best forums on the web (that I know of), by all standards. Also, congratulations on creating a "journals" section. It's great being here. Being here feels like being continuously asked "how are you doing?" and "tell me about yourself". And that's a great invitation for me.

"Tell me about yourself" and "teach me this" are my favorite questions, when I get asked. My dad is like this as well, and he bothers me. I would say also that anyone else who does what I am doing bothers me. I can't stand people like myself. Or maybe not, but only when I go to them by my free choice, like when they write a book and I decide to read it. But not when they start telling me about themselves or teaching me stuff that I didn't ask for, and when they show they don't care about anything I say - that's a perfect description for what my father does.

This also applies to school, at least here in Italy. They teach you stuff you didn't ask for. They feed you information before you ask any questions. They don't even care that you understand, but want you to memorize. And all these people teaching and people excelling in such an environment are those for whom I wrote my profile's "favorite quote": For discretionary trading you need first of all a specific and rare emotional balance, which is very hard to develop if you don't already have it. Hard work is not enough and may even hurt you (overtrading). For automated trading instead, the first thing you need is hard work, whereas your emotional balance won't matter or may even hurt you: being an obsessive perfectionist is a requirement. Most people are not balanced enough to be profitable at discretionary trading, nor are they imbalanced enough to be profitable at automated trading. Most people are ok with not asking questions, and are ok with being fed answers. These people I first of all hate, this majority of people I hate, because while I was failing in school and in life, they were succeeding. And I don't think it's fair. Why is it fair that people who are obedient and stupid succeed more than people who think for themselves and are intelligent? Obedience in society gets rewarded more than intelligence. But then again I would rather have an obedient wife, maid, and even friends. So maybe at the top of a bunch of morons who are obedient and get promoted and rewarded for that, there's one intelligent disobedient guy who somehow managed to get to the top. Or maybe that guy is also an obedient moron, who got there when the previous moron retired.

Ten good rules make ten good systems that will produce incredible profits if traded on the same capital. If you put them all in one system you don't get one great system, nor one good system, but you only get one system that trades very rarely, and is therefore a bad system. And since you find out what those ten rules are based on whatever ten rules work best on one system, then chances are you won't come up with ten good rules, but ten random rules that combine to produce a deceivingly perfect system, so that system will not even be a system that trades rarely with high probability trades, but one that trades rarely with unreliable outcomes.