We're created to crave connection

By nature, God created human beings to be inherently relational creatures. When Adam found none of the other creatures (or animals) in the Garden of Eden to be like him, to be his equal, he felt alone, isolated, and disconnected (Gen. 2). That’s why God created a partner for him, a woman named Eve, who was his perfect match and companion.

I often tell my counseling students that all human beings crave one thing, namely true intimacy—to know and be known by another. Much of our life is spent in this pursuit—to find authentic spiritual connection with our God, to find genuine love—romantic or otherwise, to find true friendship, and to find sincere care and companionship. We have a built-in, basic need and a deep craving for connection.

When we feel isolated, alone, and misunderstood by those around us, it hurts us deeply inside and our souls ache for community, for meaningful fellowship. However, many things in this world and our lives seem to get in the way of real connection to God and to others.

Mistrust and Fear (betrayal and disloyalty makes people gun-shy)

Miscommunication (not speaking or listening carefully enough)

Misunderstanding (making assumptions, jumping to faulty conclusions)

Missing the Mark (i.e., sin; 1 John 2:16)

Me (selfishness, self-centeredness, and stupidity)

Many times, the type of connection we experience with others is rather shallow, empty, and meaningless. For example, through social media we might literally boast hundreds, thousands (even millions if you’re famous) of virtual “friends” or “followers.” But these connections aren’t real. They are virtual.

We tend to present ourselves in a more glamorous way on Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, etc. It’s a façade we hide behind to present ourselves as more edgy and interesting and our lives more exciting and luxurious and/or adventure-filled than they really are. We may even turn ourselves into a caricature or avatar of sorts, kind of like an alter ego for our actual identity. Then through gaming, some people take on a fantasy persona that really isn’t anything like their actual personality at all.

Forty-five percent of teens say they’re online on a near-constant basis, compared to 24 percent in 2015, but teens aren’t the only ones consuming large amounts of digital content. The average time spent using social media has increased from 90 minutes in 2012 to 135 minutes in 2017. The amount of time adults spend on digital media per day grew from 2.7 hours in 2008 to 5.9 hours in 2017.

According to the Pew Research Center (in 2018), on Teens, Social Media & Technology, YouTube, Instagram and Snapchat are the most popular online platforms among teens. Fully 95 percent of teens have access to a smartphone, and 45 percent say they are online 'almost constantly.' The survey also finds there is no clear consensus among teens (ages 13-17) about the effect that social media has on the lives of young people today. Minorities of teens describe that effect as mostly positive (31 percent) or mostly negative (24 percent), but the largest share (45 percent) says that effect has been neither positive nor negative.

When teens and/or adults are together geographically (in the same room/space) with friends or loved ones these days, they’re often a million miles away in their heads and disconnected because they’re on their smartphones or computers. Many young people, it seems, struggle to develop and maintain meaningful, lasting, real relationships these days with actual people they know and are around. And they feel very much alone and isolated despite the online technology that would seemingly “connect” them to others. In the body of Christ, we should be able to find support, encouragement, understanding, and meaningful relationships—true connection at both an emotional and spiritual level.

So, what are some essentials to achieve real connection in relationships?

Time (i.e., doing things together and getting to know each other better)

Talk (i.e., engaging in meaningful conversation) – Col. 4:6 says, “Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.”

Truth (i.e., honesty and integrity) – Eph. 4:15 instructs us to speak the truth in love.

Tenderness (i.e., empathy and care) – Gal. 6:2 tells us to, “Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Good and healthy relationships require consistent hard work, careful ongoing maintenance, and a spirit of humility. Connection is important and takes effort and attention. We all need a good dose of eye-contact, ear-contact, hand-contact, and heart-contact.

Phil. 2:3-7 (ESV) says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.”

Now, these are some powerful principles to live by indeed!

Dr. Ryan Fraser is an associate professor of clinical mental health counseling at Freed-Hardeman University. His new book, Overcoming the Blues: Finding Christ-centered Hope and Joy through Serving Others, will be released by Skyhorse Publishing (New York, NY) on Sept. 3, 2019. For more information, go to RyanNoelFraser.com.