April 24, 2011

Sometimes I think about things I'd like to write about, other times I
want to be left alone but the words inside want out. Growing up my
mother told me that there wasn't anything I could do that would make her
stop loving me. At the time I thought that was a phrase she used
because she was my parent and she wanted to make me feel better about
something. A couple weeks ago I called her because I was in a great deal
of pain. When I left work the last
Wednesday in March I told my boss that I was coming down with the flu.

Driving home
things changed. I put the pain in my side down to something I had eaten
because ingesting gluten hurts in a certain predictable way. That
night I
changed my mind again. Thursday morning I felt worse so I called in
sick to work. My girls were on spring break so I made them pack lunches
because my appointment with
the nurse practitioner was at noon. The receptionist checking me in
asked me if
everything was okay at home and while I appreciated the concern I wanted
to yell at her because obviously I would not be at the clinic if I was
stressed out or upset.

During my exam I found out that I
needed two tests. One required me to drink 36 ounces of water. The
other required that I not eat anything for eight hours before the test. I
walked out without some lab paperwork. A woman who works at the front
desk chased me down to give it to me. I was still in pain, nothing new
had been revealed and all I wanted to do was go home, lie down and take a
huge nap. After I had my blood drawn the plebotomist asked if I wanted
to lie down. She
insisted and eventually I had a whole team of people around me because
someone had called a code.

My husband had to come pick me up from
the hospital. Nurses watched the girls while I laid on a small cot in
various states of heat, cold and consciousness. Someone told me I felt
warm, I drank some apple juice and ate some of my lunch. Gradually my
blood sugar started returning to normal levels. One nurse asked if I
wanted to go to the emergency room. Dollar signs flashed through my
eyes, the hospital lab faded into statements from different health care
professionals I had seen and I knew that whatever tests I still needed
would not be cheap.

Friday morning my primary care physician
evaluated me and got me into radiology much more quickly than I thought
he'd be able to. The technician was very nice, I went home and slept for
a couple hours before calling the clinic back. They told me they had
seen evidence of a ruptured ovarian cyst and I hung up without much more
information. That weekend I laid around trying to stay hydrated. I
didn't want anything to eat, I wanted something for the pain but I told
myself I was strong and rode that out. Monday I felt well enough to go
into work and quite a few people were very nice to me.

What sticks
out most in my mind about that experience is the lack of support from
my family and the tremendous outpouring of support from the hospital
staff and my coworkers. After my primary care doctor suggested I see a
GI doctor I made that appointment thinking that finally I would get some
answers. He ordered more blood work, it was painful but I didn't pass
out. After that I had to see a rheumatologist and since I had sailed
through my GI consult I walked in thinking that the flowers were pretty
and rain would help them grow.

Rheumatology sent me back to the
lab with two sheets of tests. While I was there a woman walked in and
asked if I was Jessica. When I said yes she told the woman drawing my
blood that there were two more tests I needed to have done. The empty
vials laid waiting for my blood. I was prepared for the worst but the
draw went exceptionally well because she used a butterfly needle.
Several of the tests came back abnormal so the rheumatologist suspects
that I may have an auto immune disorder.

When I went in for my annual
physical my primary care doctor discussed oral allergy syndrome with me.
When I eat certain foods my mouth burns. In the past I attributed that
to pesticides on the produce however after reading up on oral allergy
syndrome and speaking with him I had to add that to my list of things
that don't work right with my body. The good news is unlike a
traditional food allergy where your airway is compromised an oral
allergy reaction is usually confined to your mouth. It is extremely
unlikely that you are going to die, you will be uncomfortable and may
have some GI upset but unlike an anaphylactic reaction you are going to
be okay after taking an antihistamine.

Because this is new to me I
was unprepared for the first time it affected me at work. I was sitting
around talking to one of my coworkers. We were eating peanut butter and
bananas and my mouth started hurting. Before that I had eaten an apple.
I hadn't felt well at lunch so I didn't eat that. I took some Benadryl,
told my boss that I thought I had eaten something I was allergic to and
sat there for a few minutes trying to determine what was going on with
my body. Before August of 2010 I had never used an Epi-Pen on myself. In
the bathroom I couldn't work the paper towel dispenser so I yelled for
my boss who came in to help me.

Blood was running down my leg, she
said she knew where the closest urgent care center was, told me to sit
tight and left. I laid on the floor of the men's bathroom because the
women's bathroom had been occupied. As I laid there I knew that I was
going to be okay. I could breathe. I was cold but I was going to be okay
if I could just lie still for a while. My boss came back and told me
that someone had called 911. I wasn't in any shape to argue, I remember
being outside and having to go back in. While I laid on the cafeteria
floor I could hear people asking me questions but I couldn't answer any
of them.

I felt completely stupid when I got to the emergency room
however the paramedics had been nice and I would rather be alive and
feel idiotic than dead and free of embarrassment. Concern for my job was
one of my primary thoughts during my lucid moments. The guy who had
called 911 was legitimately worried but he also told me that some
anonymous coworker in a position of power had told him to get rid of me
since my health limitations were a liability to the company. Thursday I
felt okay. I was tired but I made myself pick up the phone and talk to
some people.

After lunch I went to ask a coworker if he thought
someone in charge would let me go home. I knew I couldn't drive myself
and I'm not sure how I made it down the hall without passing out. The
afternoon dragged with me laying on the couch at work drinking apple
juice and a coworker of mine who was a nurse told me that my blood
pressure was 80 over 42 and if I needed help I should yell for it. I
couldn't go to the bathroom by myself and once again I had to call to
get someone to pick me up. Good Friday I felt better but after I ate
lunch I could feel the heat, the dizziness and I laid down again until
that passed.

A woman I just love told me that my health was
important. I've been seeing a psychologist to help address some of my
anxiety and mental health issues. That has helped although I am not
looking forward to explaining this past week to her. Stress plays an
unknown role in people's lives. Yesterday I made it through the day
without a nap which felt like a victory to me. Easter Sunday my entire
family went to church together which was huge to me because all of these recent events have taken a toll on quality family time.

Today my husband and I had a long discussion
about love, our children and the future. He has a friend that I think he
likes more than he is willing to admit. Before he couldn't wait for me
to leave. Now he tells me that he wants me to stay and we can try to
work things out. Eight years ago I went to the same therapist I'm seeing
now. Issues that linger for that long are not going away without major
interventions, compromise and communication and I told my husband that I
need to see if I can live by myself for a while.

March has been my January since 2006 which
is when I started writing for fun. My blog has primarily replaced E2 as
a place for me to hang out and it is amazing how much I have written
recently. I no longer care if anyone likes what I've done. I'm proud of
the things I produce and know that getting things out of your system is
sometimes more important than well meaning sentiments like node for the
ages. Currently I'm on a high fat, high protein diet. Some of my dietary
restrictions have been relaxed, the other day I ate a container of
cottage cheese and felt like celebrating.

Health is a journey that
excites me because I can look back and see progress. Maybe in the past I
viewed my body as undesirable or unattractive. Now I view it much as I
view things I've written. What I've been through has shaped and changed
me. I don't really care if no one finds me attractive as long as the
people I care about think that the person I am
is beautiful. I've heard that from people who
mean it in a non-traditional yet more meaningful way and I've said no
to people who think that my life would be better if I spent more time
alone with them.

My rheumatologist is on vacation until some time
in May. In the meantime I have tried to let the unknown go as much as
possible. Whatever is wrong I am still me and once I find out if I have
something I didn't know about before I can start working on a treatment
plan. Without reviewing lab work the rheumatologist said her best guess
was Scleroderma or Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder which is the
diagnosis she is leaning towards. There is a family history of Lupus on
my mother's side. I could have Rheumatoid Arthritis and none of these
are fun but they are treatable and that's what I have to focus on now.

Without
further testing and another consult I don't know what I'm dealing with
so I have tried to manage that stress as best as I can. I don't exercise
the way I should however I walk with my girlfriends at lunch, eat
reasonably well and am overall much stronger physically than I had been
previously. Obviously I wonder if my children could have any of these
things. So far they seem like active healthy girls but they both had
rough starts in life which could have been the result of poor nutrition
because they were born to a mother with absorption issues.

The
good news is I probably don't have ovarian cancer. No one has discussed
the possibility of cancer with me and for that I am grateful and
thankful. My body hurts, I have to be careful because even something
small will have repercussions but I've lived with this body for 36 years
so I am starting to learn some of my limitations and working to
strengthen what I can. My weight has come up to 115 from 108 which might
sound like it is headed in the wrong direction but the GI doctor wants
me to have more body fat than I did when I last saw him.

Going forward I am
pursuing therapy and making the most of little things like taking my
girls shopping for some spring clothes. We had fun trying on outfits at
REI. I found out my oldest daughter has expensive taste however she
picked out a jacket that I am going to go back for, how could I resist a
black trench coat that my daughter said I could wear during covert spy
operations? Listening to that come out of her mouth made me laugh since I
will never be a spy of any type but I love her imagination, her spirit
and her spunk.

I love how my youngest wears perfume and wants
pink ponytail holders and wears her sister's red basketball shoes
because they match her red hat. Both of my children are prima donnas in
their own way, some of that they get from me. I haven't always been the
mother they wanted or needed but like it or not they are my daughters
that are blossoming into young women. A lot of my problem is I take
myself and life too seriously. I need to work on that but I need help. I
want peace, healing, love, compassion, empathy and respect. If those
are things you want start giving them out to others. You might be
surprised at what comes back to you.