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Just wrapped up premarital counseling with a couple getting married this fall. I’ve had the privilege of sitting with hundreds of couples over the years as they prepare for marriage.

One thing I’ve been placing more emphasis on is the need to recognize how God wants to use husbands and wives as instruments of positive change in their mate’s life. No one will have closer access to your mate than you.

I am trying to get husbands and wives to embrace this reality and to leverage closeness and access to each other for ongoing transformation into the likeness of Christ (II Corinthians 3:18).

Christlikeness is what God is producing in those who belong to Him — a restoration to the glory of the image of God from which we have fallen (Genesis 1:26-27; Romans 3:23; 8:29). Husbands are commanded to love their wives as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25).

When God ordained marriage it was for completion of one individual with another. Something was missing. God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone.” So God said, “I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Genesis 2:18). “Helper” and “suitable” are not demeaning terms but beautiful descriptions pointing to the complementary way a woman brings completeness to a man.

The woman was created for the man (I Corinthians 11:9).

She filled up what was missing. None of this implies inferiority for she too is made in the image of God and shares a call to co-regency with the man (Genesis 1:28).

“Woman is the glory of man” (I Corinthians 11:7).

Her union with man fills up what is lacking. She is a “helper” or a “support to him” but this relationship and role does not imply inferiority (see: Galatians 3:28).

Marriage is made up of two unique individualsand loss of uniqueness in either could hurt the purpose of their companionship and completion.

But emphasis on oneness or male leadership should never lead to the disappearance of a woman into the dominance of the man. Nor should male passivity be permitted behind the dominance of the woman. Either approach would violate the original purpose of a complimentary completion. It’s also significant that the man is the one given primary responsibility to forge the bond with his wife (Genesis 2:24).

Marriage is a bonding of two individual identities into one new relationship. Like the different colors of sand in a sand ceremony, each one brings individual significance, gifts and beauty to the relationship of marriage. Each one is meant to be God’s instrument of ongoing transformation in the life of the other?

Can it work?

Husbands and wives must be secure in their love for each other for this plan to work. When I am convinced that my wife genuinely desires what is best for me according to God’s will, I am secure enough to allow her to speak into my life.

Where there is rivalry and competition for control and superiority, there are deeper spiritual issues of immaturity to be addressed. Only as we walk by the Spirit with the mind of Christ can we leverage the closeness for ongoing transformation of our lives through marriage (Galatians 5:13-26; Philippians 2:3-10).

Question for discussion: How have you seen this work in your marriage?

Relationships are miserable when love is absent. But is there an objective way to identify true love?

Love defined

The fourteen qualities of love in First Corinthians thirteen offer the best available description of love known to humans. This text remains one of the most quoted Scriptures in wedding ceremonies.

Reflect deeply and often on this description of love:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (I Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV).

This is God’s prescription for great relationships. Love (as defined here) is notably anti-rivalry. It protects relationships from destructive conflict. Playful rivalry is not bad. But when a relationship deteriorates, some form of ugly and divisive rivalry is involved.

Love is patient: It is long-suffering. It restrains anger when provoked. Patience is more than passive waiting. It is active restraint that rests in God.

Love is kind: It reaches out in good will with acts of care and concern for others. Love not only patiently forebears, through kindness, it actively pursues. Loving people are distinguished by their kindness.

Love does not envy: It does not resent the blessings of others. Envious people engage in evil rivalry. The envier gloats over the harm or misfortune of the one envied. She delights in evil.

Love does not boast: Love corrects the immoderate desire to call attention to one-self. A loving person is not a windbag or braggart. He does not parade himself. Love is willing to work anonymously. It needs no limelight or stage, applause or recognition.

Love is not proud: not puffed up; not arrogant; not full of oneself. A loving person does not think more highly of himself than sober judgment dictates (Romans 12:3).

Love is does not dishonor others: It is not rude.It is respectful of others.

Love is not self-seeking: It does not insist on its own way. It is not self-absorbed.

Love is not easily angered: It is not easily agitated nor easily provoked. Loving people are not hot-tempered, short-fused people.

Love keeps no record of wrongs: Love seeks forgiveness and reconciliation. Love is hard to practice when hurt badly (see:Forgiveness).

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth: This rules out gossip, slander, and delight in the downfall of others.

And the grand finale: love always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres. In a staccato of four verbs enriched with repeated emphasis on how love brings everything under its influence, we learn that “there is nothing love cannot face” (NEB). “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance” (NLT).

Love is tenacious and faithful. Love is brave and noble; it never fails.

Love is “the most excellent way” (I Corinthians 12:31). “These three remain:Faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love” (I Corinthians 13:13). “Over all virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity”(Colossians 3:14).

In Scripture, husbands are commanded to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25); Older women are told to train younger women to love their husbands and children (Titus 2:4) and communities of Christians are to be distinguished by their love for one another (John 13:35).

The personal nature and greatness of love takes on powerful significance when we realize that God is love. His love was put on display when he loved the unlovable—when “we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Jesus offered a living example of love. In Jesus, the Creator became a creature; the King became a servant; the Shepherd became a lamb; the Sinless one was made sin for us; the High Priest became the sacrifice (see: Philippians 2:3-10).

A gift for you

I recommend regular evaluation of relationships based on the 14 qualities of love in I Corinthians 13. We have put these qualities of love (along with an eight point communication covenant) on laminated cards for easy use. If you email your mailing address to me, we will send you several copies as our gift.

This often seems strange to engaged couples. Why would sex be a problem? I tell them that the reason for conflict over sex is the very thing that makes it possible. It involves male and female.

Men and women tend to approach sex very differently and couples need to understanding this in order to minimize the conflict.

Analogies are usually inadequate but when it comes to sex, I suggest that men are like the microwave and women are like the crock pot. Let me explain.

The act of sex itself registers more with men than the relationship leading up to it. The relationship leading up to it tends to be more important for women when it comes to sex.

If couples want to have a better love life, husbands must be more intentional about cultivating the relationship and wives must try to be more intentional and take initiative in sexual matters.

It’s also important for Wives to know that they can be a source of protection for their husbands in the area of sexual temptation (I Corinthians 7:5). I don’t say this to lay blame on a wife when a man refuses to resist temptation but, far too often, wives do not take the sexual part of marriage as seriously as they should.

When I teach on this subject, I remind wives that when a man goes to bed with a woman, there is a good chance he thinks about sex most nights. But when he feels like he always has to be the one to initiate or even has to “ask for sex” with his wife, a man’s self-respect will be damaged in ways that lead to other problems.

This is particularly problematic when a woman used sexual advances to win a man before marriage and then shuts down sexually in marriage. In these cases, deeper changes in thinking need to happen to protect the marriage.

Open and humble communication are essential in this area. Couples must view sexual frustration as a threat to their marriages.

Prolonged sexual abstinence in marriage is forbidden in Scripture. In fact, Scripture specifically identifies this as an opportunity for the evil one to tempt married people because of lack of self-control (see: I Corinthians 7:3-5).

I typically use the traditional vows in wedding ceremonies. Some couples, however, ask to write their own vows. When they do this, I always ask to review their vows to make sure they align with the substance of the traditional ones.

The vows below are the ones I’ve used for most weddings I’ve performed. If you’re married, review them and recommit yourself to them. If you’re single, reflect on the depth of their meaning.

The line that stands out to me in light of many troubled marriages is the vow “to love and to cherish.” It might sound redundant but loving and cherishing could be two different expressions. Certainly, one cannot claim to cherish someone without love. But is it possible to love without cherishing? I am commanded to love others but I am not sure I am ready to say that I cherish everyone I love.

To cherish implies something precious. Love is doing what is best for others according to God’s will. Love is clearly a value word implying that the one being loved is important. But cherishing seems to take value to a different level. Cherishing implies that someone or thing is exceptionally precious and valuable. It also seems to imply a kind of tenderheartedness and sweetness that we don’t give to everyone we love.

When marriages become troubled, you can be certain that cherishing has diminished. When a couple allows an ugly form of competitive rivalry to threaten their unity, loss of good will toward each other replaces cherishing. I realize that it takes work for marriage to work. I remind young couples that it’s one thing to be in love but another to love someone day by day for life.

When we cease to love and to cherish, it’s easy to find fault in the other person. But please look at the condition of your own heart first. I am not suggesting that one’s mate cannot make it exceptionally difficult to love and to cherish him. I know of a number of people facing this challenge. If you’re in this situation, the last line of the vow is important to note: “according to God’s standards.” I do not vow to love and to cherish “according to my mate’s standard” or “my own standard” but God’s standard. This means that sometimes loving and cherishing must be expressed through tough love and accountability (see: Seven signs of true repentance). If I love and cherish someone, I want her to flourish in God’s best for her life.

____________________________________________________________________

Groom’s name (please repeat after me)

I, _______________,take you ______________, to be my wife, to have and to hold from this day forward. I promise to be your loving and faithful husband, in prosperity or in need, in joy or in sorrow, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death causes us to part, according to God’s standards.

Bride’s name (please repeat after me)

I, _______________, take you ______________, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward. I promise to be your loving and faithful wife, in prosperity or in need, in joy or in sorrow, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death causes us to part, according to God’s standards.

If we choose to marry someone who claims to have received God’s forgiveness and salvation, what should we expect? What difference should it make in the way one views and relates to other people? Scripture tells us that, “… when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior…”

So what should we expect to see in a person’s life if he or she experiences God’s forgiveness and salvation?

Since Scripture warns us not to enter into a covenant with an unbeliever (II Corinthians 6:14), it assumes we can tell the difference between a believer and an unbeliever. What is that difference? If we find the answer to this question, we’ll gain insight into what we should expect.

Yes, as with Tripp’s book, we must guard against expectations that are not based on the narrative of the gospel. But, as I am suggesting, we equally must expect the vertical encounter of the gospel (between a man or woman and God) to send transforming influences into horizontal life (relationships on earth).

If you don’t like the life you’re living, allow me to point you to “the most excellent way” (I Corinthians 12:31).

If you want to leave mediocrity and complacency behind to pursue a transformed life, faith and hope are important but the greatest pursuit of all is love” (I Corinthians 13:13).

Love is so great that it binds all other virtues together in perfect unity (Colossians 3:14).

But I must warn you that a life of love is not for the faint of heart. Love will deeply enrich your life and relationships, but it will first require you to put everything under its influence.

Slow down and reflect on the nature of love.

Let love examine every part of your life.

Let it ask for changes as you submit to the transforming influence it requires.

The best place to go for love’s examination is to the 14 qualities of love listed in I Corinthians 13. Here is the best available description of love for humanity. A global pursuit of this love would change the world into a much better, safer and more godly place.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (I Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV).

This is God’s prescription for great relationships. Those who practice it minimize conflict because this love is anti-rivalry. Playful rivalry is not bad but when a relationship deteriorates, some form of divisive rivalry is involved.

Love is patient: It is long-suffering. It restrains anger when provoked. Patience is more than passive waiting. It is active restraint that rests in God.

Love is kind: It reaches out in good will with acts of care and concern for others. Love not only patiently forebears, through kindness, it actively pursues. Loving people are distinguished by their kindness.

Love does not envy: It does not resent the blessings of others. Envious people engage in evil rivalry. The envier gloats over the harm or misfortune of the one envied. She delights in evil.

Love does not boast: Love corrects the desire to call attention to one-self. A loving person is not a windbag or braggart. He does not parade himself. Love is willing to work anonymously. It needs no limelight or stage, applause or recognition.

Love is not proud: not puffed up; not arrogant; not full of oneself. A loving person does not think more highly of himself than sober judgment dictates (Romans 12:3).

Love is does not dishonor others: It is not rude. It is respectful of others.

Love is not self-seeking: It does not insist on its own way. It is not self-absorbed.

Love is not easily angered: It is not easily agitated nor easily provoked. Loving people are not hot-tempered, short-fused people.

Love keeps no record of wrongs: Love seeks forgiveness and reconciliation. When hurt badly, this part of love is hard to practice.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth: This rules out gossip, slander, and delight in the downfall of others.

The grand finale: Love always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.

In a staccato of four verbs enriched with repeated emphasis on how love brings everything under its influence, we learn that there is nothing love cannot face. Love is tenacious and faithful. Love is brave and noble; it never fails.

The personal nature and greatness of love takes on powerful significance when we realize that God is love. His love was put on display when He loved the unlovable – when “we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Jesus offered a living example of love when as the Creator, He became a creature. The King became a servant; the Shepherd became a lamb; the High Priest became the sacrifice; the Sinless one was made sin for us (see: Philippians 2:3-10).

I recommend regular evaluation of life and relationships based on the 14 qualities of love in I Corinthians 13. We have put these on laminated cards for easy use. If you give me send your mailing address to me, we will send copies of these as our gift to you. (office@millersvillebiblechurch.org)

The biblical command for wives to submit to their husbands is one of the more difficult teachings for people to accept.

This is partly due to ways that the command has been misrepresented or abused. Unfortunately, there will always be those who try to make the Bible say things it doesn’t and those who misuse Scripture to oppress others.

But misuses should not make us avoid the truths of Scripture. Some do this regarding submission by suggesting that Scripture actually teaches mutual submission in marriage. They point to Ephesians 5:21 which says, “And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” But this verse should not be read as an isolated command. The context does not support the idea of mutual submission as I will demonstrate in a moment.

First, we should note that when Scripture portrays a wife as one called to be a keeper of her home who submits to her husband it is not an idea limited to the time it was written. Although responsible interpreters of the Bible understand that not everything in Scripture is meant as a binding obligation on all people in all places, when it comes to marriage, Scripture explicitly transcends cultural limitations by connecting the teaching to the way God created humans and ordained marriage for our good (Genesis 1:26-28; 2:21-25; Matthew 19:3-9; I Timothy 2:11-15).

So a question the Church must answer is what the New Testament requires when it says,

“Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:22-40)?

A closer look at Ephesians 5

In the original text, the word for “submit” in verse 21 prepares the way for verse 22 (where there is no greek word for submit).

The word in v. 21 also prepares the way for the flow of the next chapters. What we find after verse 21 is the order of submission. It would be like saying, “Submit to one another in a way that looks like this: wives to your husbands…” “Church to Christ,” “children to parents” and “servants to masters.”

While one might suggest ways in which a husband could submit to his wife, I believe it is best to call such acts “servant-love.” The term submit is better left to structures of authority and submission.

Servant-love and submission

The word submit is a term of response to those who bear responsible leadership in human relationships. When Scripture says, “Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human authority” (I Peter 2:13), it reminds us that God endorses orders of authority and submission.

Since we can even find this structure demonstrated in the Trinity, we know that submission has nothing to do with inequality or with the fall of humanity into sin. God both models and ordains the functional structure of authority and submission for us. He instituted it in the angelic world as well as the human.

Along these lines, I cannot emphasize strongly enough how important it is for husbands and wives to have the same vision of the nature of marriage. A primary reason for many marital problems is a failure on the parts of husbands and/or wives to understand, respect and live by the God-intended plan for marriage.

According to Scripture, marriage is a one-flesh relationship based on mutual self-giving love. It’s a covenant of companionship between two people who are equally made in the image of God. Yet this equality does not mean that marriage is a relationship is without roles. Nor do roles in marriage diminish equality and the call for mutual love and respect.

The husband bears primary responsibility to lead the marriage relationship in a God-glorifying manner. His leadership clearly involves authority and should be honored by his wife and family. This authority, however, should be based on love (see: I Corinthians 13:4-7) and thoughtful consideration of the needs of those he leads (see: Philippians 2:3-5). As with all human authority, it should not be followed if it requires one to disobey God.

What submission does not mean

Misguided notions of submission abound. Some picture a wife who allows her husband to order her around and force her to do whatever he demands. These ideas do not reflect the biblical understanding of wives submitting to their husbands.

To guard against abuses of authority and wrong notions of submission, it’s important to note what submission does not mean. I appreciate the seven things that Piper and Grudem note concerning what submission does not mean (“Recovering Biblical Manhood & Womanhood: A Response to Evangelical Feminism” ed. John Piper and Wayne Grudem). Their list is based on a New Testament text that curiously offers Sarah as a paradigm of submission (see: I Peter 3:1-7).

Submission does not mean putting a husband in the place of Christ.

Submission does not mean giving up independent thought.

Submission does not mean a wife should give up efforts to influence and guide her husband.

Submission does not mean a wife should give in to every demand of her husband.

Submission is not based on lesser intelligence or competence.

Submission does not mean being fearful or timid.

Submission is not inconsistent with equality in Christ

Submission is most evidenced in a wife respecting her husband through her actions and speech. Wives should resist attitudes, verbal tones and facial expressions that convey disrespect. Playful rivalry is not bad between husbands and wives but divisive rivalry is a sign of deeper heart issues. Husbands must equally act and speak in ways that encourage respectful responses from their wives. But, if their husbands are not being respectful, I encourage wives to find a respectful way to tell them that you are finding it difficult to respect them. (see -Celebrate distinctions between men and women)