It’s crazy how we can be sitting on a plane and be in our own world, shut out all around us being so selfish wanting our own space. Someone bumps into us or we have to sit close to someone and we become complacent and silent. So quick to cut someone off and jump ahead in line when getting off the plane. Yet we have no idea anyone’s story. The passengers seem so quite on the outside but have millions of loud thoughts going through their minds. Just think we literally have no clue what their story is. We have not even a blip of an idea or known fact of anything they have gone through. Yet we are so loud on Facebook and Twitter over politics and religion and our opinions of others because we hide behind a screen that gives us this sense of confidence or shall we say ego that shuts down and hurts people. We are so quick to just text and ignore phone calls. Why? Because we “just don’t want to talk”? Because we “just walked in the door”? “I just can’t right now” “I am relaxing” “they talk too much” and it goes on….

The thing is is that we never know when anything will happen. Two weeks ago I was “pregnant” flying home from a work event. This week I’m “not pregnant ” and flying home from a work event. Yet no one around this plane knows. I have been pretty open about everything. People ask I respond. People don’t ask and I inform. (Getting a startling look in response) as if I informed too much. As if there’s this taboo to it. “Oh she said that out loud… ok… well that’s weird. So… now I don’t know what to say” (thoughts that you see on their face – are going through their mind when you tell them)

There’s all this support as soon as something happens to you. Everything and everyone comes out of the woodwork. In a form of sympathy. Typical phrases get thrown around and one that does a lot is “I know how you feel” “I’ve been in your shoes” “At least you know you can get pregnant, and it happened and stayed longer”

Unfortunately miscarriages are common yes. Multiple after 3 in a consecutive row is not as common. Those that have multiple miscarriages yes they know they can get pregnant. It’s keeping the baby that’s the issue. When trying to find a silver lining in these cases there really isn’t one. What we need is just listening and to know you’re there.

Never ever will I compare my loss to another. Nor would we want that in return. When we do that it discounts that persons feelings and experiences and emotions. If my friends grandpa passed away I wouldn’t say “oh I know how you feel” because we don’t. They have their own feelings their own thoughts and emotions that may feel completely different. We have really no way of saying that and really being able to related in that form. How we can relate is as support. Or “people don’t know how to be there for you if they haven’t experienced it themselves, only you know” honestly that one hurts too because all you need when going through this is support, an person to check in on you and just say that that’s all. Nothing crazy.

Not to sound sensitive either. Or ungrateful, because trust it, there’s so much gratefulness. It’s just a time where all they want is love. Love. Love. Love. Plain and simple. Visits, calls, etc. talk normal, check in but don’t not talk about your life too. Just think how grief is. What you would have in a time of loss. The hardest part is this is the 4th one and obviously The farthest along we’ve been, and so much more support this time. This is written because loved ones of those going through this should know. Friends should know. Honestly people going through it need this.

I can’t tell you the fear. The aloneness. It’s crazy to think that before this it was just my husband and I, and now it’s still my husband and I . Eating dinner and how can I feel so alone sitting next to him? Or him vis versa? It’s the memories that never happened. It’s the pure joy that was ripped from our grasp. Speaking about the holidays, thanksgiving and Christmas. What a mess. What a complete utter mess. Joy, faith and all the above are supposed to be celebrated. Family and more. It’s just tainted. Tainted and stepped on with this flatness of a feeling. I mean let’s be honest here, who are we kidding when someone asks “are you ready for Christmas?” And I say “I don’t know” and to be honest that’s what I say. They’ve laughed it off because they think I’m referring to shopping or etc. little do they know just like in the beginning of this like the airplane, they don’t have a clue what I mean. The only gift we want is a baby. When asked what we want, we just say “nothing” and seriously mean it. We don’t want things of emptiness. We want a baby bump that has a healthy baby growing inside. We want a baby to hold and kiss and be up all night with feeding. To be up all night with when it’s sick. All those roles and responsibilities. That is what we want and nothing materialistic, no amount of money will fulfill that.

Since the D&C and the recovery to the test results, figured I would share what to expect or at least know what happens for those that have never gone through it. Yea it’s been a month since we got the news of losing our baby. But the feelings are just as raw as in the beginning. I will also give some resources that have been helping us cope as well as a playlist that’s been helping.

After the D&C we came home and worked on healing. Jumped into thanksgiving the next day with emotions on a string. My husband cooked while I rested. My throat was so sore with white spots all over it as if I had strep throat. I was bleeding from the procedure and it hurt to urinate. Burned and just stung. Everything was so sensitive. Just took it easy and stayed in comfortable clothes. The biggest help was the pads I used (I’ll post below) all organic, and the wipes they use at the hospital. They are infused with vitamins and aloe. So if you ever have this ask the nurse for the wipes.

After a few days the sore throat went away, and the pain still remained. The pain from the procedure can be pretty bad so make sure you stay up on the medication they send you home with.

Here’s where it gets scary… 5 days after the procedure I woke up at 2 am. Pain. Pain. So much pain. Ignored it best I could and rolled over. Pain. Pain. Again knocking at my body as if I haven’t had enough. I felt something hot and ran to the bathroom. Massive amounts of blood. Pain. Pain over and over this time, much louder of a knock on my body. This time I look down and I see the scariest thing huge clot trying to pass through my body the size of a silver dollar to a goofball. At that point I screamed and screamed as loud as I could. Calling my husband waking him up. He jumps out of bed and sees what’s happening. I’m freaked. “They said this is when you call the ER or you go in” I cried. He grabs the number and types it in. (Felt like it took hours) pain level was above a 10 at this point. Pain down my legs to my toes. Back pain, ovary pain. Pain everywhere waist down to the tips of the toes. “Help me!!” I screamed . They directed me to the on call dr. I now had to wait for a page.

5 min go by and I call back. This time I told them it was an emergency and I’m not sure how they couldn’t tell with my crying and screaming. I need to speak to someone now. Immediately I get directed to the obgyn on call. They suggest I come in. However said it could be normal to have any left over coming out and basically my body just “got the message” that I’ve have a miscarriage.

I’ve had 4 miscarriages and yes all 3 felt pretty similar to this 4th. However I wasn’t as far along pregnancy wise and didn’t have as large of clots happening. Took 4-5 hours for the pain to settle. My husband by my side the whole time.

The time between that and now I’m still bleeding. So now for 4 weeks I’ve been bleeding. Now I have a “cycle” that is so strange. Weird colors, weird consistencies, weird everything. Nothing feels normal still.

While waiting for all of this to pass to begin healing emotionally or beginning to try to heal emotionally I’m constantly reminded every time I go to the bathroom. Sometimes I’m there crying looking away, and sometimes I cry yelling out loud praying “why?! Why?! I need you to save me… I hurt so bad…” and sometimes I don’t cry and I’m ok. It’s like a wave from an ocean that just comes in strong and crashes into the sand, then it’s over and it’s calm. It’s the weirdest thing. Has no timing and just comes and goes as it wants. The grief That is.

Fast forward to now, now where I’m sitting in bed with insomnia not able to sleep. There’s been tons of positive vibes and prayers and people in our lives that we are so thankful for. The part we are thankful for more than anything is the “how are you? , just checking in to see how you’re doing? ” random messages have just been so helpful.

This week we received the genetic testing results along with what the gender was and why the baby passed away. We will be doing a separate blog to announce all of that. With all this and that it’s a lot to digest in one blog. To honor the baby we wanted to separate the blogs.

With the holidays around the corner it’s very challenging. Everything is almost like I’m viewing the season through a window. I’m here, but I’m not. I’m in the moment, and I’m present. There’s just no warm and fuzzy holiday feelings yet. Hoping that changes when my parents arrive. They are so sweet and decided to come and spend Christmas in our state! If those warm fuzzies don’t show up that’s ok too. What is important is we are so grateful for everything and everyone in our lives and that’s what matters. We will cherish the moments with the people that are here and that we love.

RESOURCES

When recovering and healing it’s been nice to have a few resources. I have been reading a ton. So here’s a few I’ll start with. To come later will be one special for healing. So stay tuned. However for now, get this book.

Empty Arms- my Aunt sent this to me and it’s really incredible. The author is so amazingly talented. Follow her on Facebook too! She’s so nice.