The first sun they make gets carried off in a flood
which is just like
you should not be keeping your sun that close to water
oh and then all the people turn into fish
which, if there is a LIVE SUN IN THE WATER
is probably the exact wrong thing to do.

The second sun is eaten by jaguars
which is even less acceptable
because what the fuck tiny-ass sun fits in a jaguar’s mouth
maybe people turned into the jaguards?
I don’t know
seems like you’ve got to spend an awful lot of time watching proto-humans
just to make sure they don’t turn into other animals

Third sun, demolished by firey rain
THE SUN
IS MADE
OUT OF FIRE
WHERE ARE THEY BUYING THESE GARBAGE SUNS?
All the people are set on fire too
but at least that’s an expected result of firey rain.

Fourth sun, blown away in a windstorm
which i think raises a larger question
about the quality of the worlds these gods are building
like, why are there all these cataclysmic sun-destroying disasters?

None of these questions are really answered by the myth
all we know is that the gods don’t like not having a sun
so they decide to make a new one.
Apparently the way to make a sun
is to set a god on fire permanently
which seems EXPENSIVE
and that’s probably why
after pissing away four suns this way
they finally decide to economize a bit
by sacrificing the poorest god, Nanauatl
they’re like “Here Nanauatl, come jump in this fire
you’re poor, no one will miss you.”

But there’s this other god Tecciztecatl
who is one of the richest
and also apparently stupidest
because he sees Nanauatl on his way to get immolated
and he’s like “THAT SEEMS COOL, I WANT TO DO IT INSTEAD”
so the gods are like “Okay, fine
you’re rich so we can’t tell you no”
but then he realizes he’s volunteering to jump into A FIRE
so he’s like “Mmmmmmaybe I’d rather not”
and Nanauatl is like “Haha asshole
I’m about to get rid of ALL MY DEBT”
and then he jumps into the fire and turns into the SUN

so Tecciztecatl sees this and he’s like “Aw fuck
I assumed
VERY REASONABLY, I THOUGHT
that jumping into this fire would just kill me
rather than turning me INTO A DEEP SPACE FUSION REACTOR
NOW I WANT TO DO IT AGAIN.”
And before anyone can be like “No we don’t need two suns”
he jumps into the fire and becomes SUN 2:
TURBO EDITION.

Seriously, though, nobody asked for a second sun
this is way more sun than even the sun-rich Aztecs can use
they’re like “this is a disgrace, we must do something
oh I know
let’s throw a rabbit at that second sun
throwing rabbits at problems is a great way to solve problems
and get rid of rabbits”
so they do that
and it somehow has the effect of dimming Tecciztecatl down
until he can only be seen at night
and while this is certainly not the most fucked up storyexplaining the origin of the sun and moon
it is definitely one of the more entertaining ones.

Oh and just so you know
the Aztecs believed that constant sacrifices were necessary
to make sure this fifth sun stayed in the sky
which is why it’s a good thing
we have so many wars.

Scimitar Fawkes brings you this little gemstraight out of AZTECLANDwhich is not a real place anymorebecause it got blown up by progressprogress and diseasesbut anyway yeah it’s about where the world comes from

so I know what you’re thinkingBUT OVID WE ALREADY HEARD THE AZTEC CREATION MYTH LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGOfirst of allnone of you were alive a million years ago second of allthat was the MAYAN creation myth so shut upand third of allthis is basically like the PREQUEL to that creation mythso it’s like the creation mythOF THE CREATION MYTHOOHHHHH SHITTTTT

so basically there’s this raging bisexual god called Ometecuhtli/Omecihuatlwhich i am looking forward to never typing again ever in my whole lifeand what he/she doesis fuck the shit out of him/herselfand have four godbabiesone for each of the cardinal directionsTheir names are really long and full of consonantsas you might expectso the only one I’m gonna bother to name is TezcatlipocaLORD OF THE NIGHT SKYbecause (SPOILER ALERT) he gets dismembered laterBut so the gods get created and they immediately start doing the one thing gods are good atwhich is creating thingsbut see here’s the problem:one of the things they create is a limitless world crocodile called Cipactliwith mouths at every single joint of its motherfucking bodyand this is basically the worst possible thing to have aroundwhen you are trying to create other thingsespecially when you haven’t actually made a place to put any of the stuff you madeso it all just falls into the oceanwhere it is immediately devoured by A MILLION ANGRY CROCODILE MOUTHSand I meanI think we can all agree that this is pretty sweetbut like most totally sweet thingsit is also EXTREMELY INEFFICIENTso finally all the gods are just like fuck thiswe’re tearing this motherfucker UPand luckily they are all already situated at the cardinal directionsso they each just grab a corner of this gatorbeast and START PULLIN’but guysI think you may recallthat this gatorbeast is MADE OF MOUTHSand Tezcatlipoca’s foot ends up inside of one of thoseand then it gets eatenand Tezcatlipoca is like ow fuckbut it’s okay because then they rip that gator to shredsand turn it into the worldyepturns out the world is made up of balled up hateful crocodile mouthswhich makes sense you seebecause according to this myththat is why the earth CONSTANTLY HUNGERS FOR BLOOD AND HEARTSI didn’t know that was a thing the earth didbut now that I know about the whole crocodile thingI guess I can’t see it any other way

so then after that comes the part we already heard aboutwith the numerous worlds getting blown up and shitand then after that a lot of other stuff happenslike dudes show up with fire and corn and other nonsenseand then finally they get bored and they make the sunwhich is yet another huge mass of dangerous stuffand it is so dangerousthat the only way to jump-start itis for all the gods to MURDER THEMSELVES AND THROW THEIR BODIES INTO ITso yeahall the gods are deadthey got eaten by a pissed off sunand guess what else, guysit looks like the sun ALSO hungers insatiably for blood and heartsso uhI hope you guys brought blood and hearts?

so the moral of the storyis if your whole world is made of furious crocodiles and the sun is a vampiremaybe you need a new religion