Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Samoa Air has become the world's first airline to start charging passengers by weight in its new XL section. If other airlines follow suit, industry profits are expected to climb by 400%.

Samoa Air has become the world's first airline to start charging passengers by weight in its new XL section. Pretty soon fliers won't be carrying boarding passes, they will be sporting luggage tags.

CNN reporter Jake Tapper will appear as a reporter on "All My Children". Apparently he thinks it will help his career as more people get their news from "All My Children" than CNN.

CNN reporter Jake Tapper will appear as a reporter on "All My Children". When it was announced he would appear on a soap opera, everyone in Washington just assumed that meant he would take the hosting duties over at C-SPAN.

The U.S. marriage rate is at its lowest point in more than a century. Apparently most people feel since they already lost half their stuff in the recession, who needs to go through that again?

A proposed 650 feet high Las Vegas roller coaster will need to be approved by the FAA. Apparently the FAA was put in charge of the roller coaster since they already oversee American, United and Southwest Airlines.

A Washington, D.C. attorney has been appointed by the Obama Administration to oversee shutting down Guantanamo Bay Prison. Why not keep it open and send all the other D.C. lawyers down there to live?

An court in India has ruled that a couple who sleeps together are in effect married. A proposal used to involve asking a woman for her hand while on one knee while holding a diamond ring. Now it's asking her if you can buy her a drink.

Chrysler has agreed to recall 1.56 Million Jeeps that could potentially catch fire. Apparently they agreed to the deal since it involves models from 1993 to 2007 of which there are only three Jeeps from those years that are still on the road.

The U.S. has decided to wait to let states delay using test results to determine pay and job security for teachers. Apparently they feel teachers should be like the rest of us and work for low wages with no job security.

The U.S. has decided to wait to let states delay using test results to determine pay and job security for teachers. That’s a tough call. Would you want your job resting in the hands of the performance of today’s students?

New storm evacuation zones in New York City include almost 3 Million people. People don’t even care about storms. They just want to be able to get out of the city each day at 5:00.

Secretary Treasury Jack Lew has unveiled his new signature that has fewer loops and is easier to read. Does it really matter that people could read his signature on currency? It’s not like anyone has any paper money left in their wallets anymore.

Public TV in Greece is still off the air despite a court ruling to keep the shows running during the fiscal crisis. The channel is already working on a very low budget, according to Greek public broadcasting spokesman Mr. Snuffleupagus.

A Pennsylvania woman who works at McDonald’s is suing her employers for paying her with a fee-laden debit card. The card charged $1.50 for ATM withdrawals, $.75 for online transactions and a $10 inactivity fee after 90 days. People were shocked. They want to know where they can find a bank with fees that low.

A study says that airlines are among the worst for customer satisfaction, ranking only ahead of cable TV and Internet providers. Even Congress is telling them they need to work on the way they are perceived by the public.

A study says that airlines are among the worst for customer satisfaction, ranking only ahead of cable TV and Internet providers. To raise money to work on the problem, airlines will now start charging passengers a $5 customer satisfaction fee.

A study says that airlines are among the worst for customer satisfaction, ranking only ahead of cable TV and Internet providers. And that is even after airlines stopped serving their lousy in-flight meals.

A study says that the best way to get people to save is to treat them like children. Mostly because it’s easy for children to save money. They don’t have to pay for a mortgage, food or their clothes.

A survey says that a majority of U.S. drivers have been led astray by a GPS device. Although most men say that Siri isn’t the first woman who has lied to them.

A survey says that a majority of U.S. drivers have been led astray by a GPS device. Although Siri is still a lot more accurate than the old way of trying to read a map or get directions from someone at a gas station.

Starbucks says it will start posting calorie counts of all its drinks on menu boards. They will still keep from posting the one thing that always scares customers away. Their prices.

Federal prosecutors say a pre-paid funeral service in Missouri was a Ponzi-like scheme that bilked people out of $600 Million. Apparently the person behind the funeral scheme says they really just dug themselves into a hole.

Federal prosecutors say a pre-paid funeral service in Missouri was a Ponzi-like scheme that bilked people out of $600 Million. People who lost money say if they knew they were going to be burned this badly, they would have just signed up to be cremated.

United Airlines says it will add a minimum spending level that passengers will have to meet to qualify for elite frequent flier status. Or as United fliers call elite status, flying on another airline.

A judge in Washington says that 650 farm workers are entitled to know their wages. The farm owners say they do know their wages. It’s whatever the farmer puts on their check.

A judge in Washington says that 650 farm workers are entitled to know their wages. To which the farm owners disagree, saying it’s all apples and oranges.

The SEC says that sudden stock crashes are usually caused by human error. Like when people make an error by investing in a stock like Facebook that crashes after they buy it.

The U.S. military is moving to admit women into combat units. Of course, there wouldn’t be as many problems in the military if the men learned how to keep their units to themselves.

Taco Bell is going to start testing its new “Power Protein” menu. Which means the menu actually has more protein than the food they are serving.

A group of doctors is calling for a halt to energy drink ads aimed at kids. Apparently they are drawing the line at all the ads kids see every day for fatty fast foods and snacks and high sugar soft drinks.

The CDC says the adult smoking rate in the U.S. has dropped to 18%. Apparently more people are quitting because of health reasons. Meaning that smoking deteriorated their health to the point where they are now dead.

The CDC says the adult smoking rate in the U.S. has dropped to 18%. The other 82% are too afraid to smoke for health reasons. They are terrified of being assaulted by a militant non-smoker for lighting up in public.

A British study says that moderate drinking may not affect a baby’s brain development. Which is amazing considering that in Great Britain moderate drinking is anything less than the whole bottle.

A British study says that moderate drinking may not affect a baby’s brain development. Researchers say that any studies on heavy drinking while pregnant would have to come from France.

A British study says that moderate drinking may not affect a baby’s brain development. Is that the best source of information on alcohol use? The UK is the place that gave the world soccer hooligans, St. Patrick’s Day and the Royal Family.

Rihanna has passed Justin Bieber as the top Youtube artist. But coming up quickly behind them is a piano playing cat and a cracker eating hamster.

Angelina Jolie’s stunt double is suing NewsCorp over a possible phone hacking. Apparently they wanted to see what she was saying when she made phone calls to Brad Pitt’s double.

Angelina Jolie’s stunt double is suing NewsCorp over a possible phone hacking. Why does Angelina Jolie need a stunt double? Can’t she just tell Brad Pitt she isn’t in the mood?

Jennifer Garner credits the 2004 Red Sox to her marrying Ben Affleck. Apparently she felt if the Sox could break their 86 year dry spell without winning a World Series, Affleck could make a career comeback from “Gigli”.

A 51 year old Bosnian soccer goalie played an entire game after being unknowingly shot in the head. How good is he at soccer to be able to stop a bullet and still not use his hands?

Japanese scientists have invented a robot that cannot be beaten at air hockey. The most embarrassing thing is that the robot can even beat the Florida Panthers at real ice hockey.

A new language has been discovered in northern Australia. Which is frustrating as the rest of the world was finally starting to get close to understand what “Fair dinkum. It’s chockerblock...need to go for a walkabout” means.

A survey says that one of the most sleep disrupting sounds is loud sex. Especially if it is coming from your spouse in the next room.

60s radical Bill Ayers says that President Obama should be tried for war crimes. That will probably pretty much be the deal breaker in any chance of asking for a presidential pardon for bombing the Capitol Building and Pentagon.

A poll says that Americans view the GOP less favorably than the Democratic Party. Which is really bad when you consider that Americans view the Democratic Party just slightly less favorably than syphilis.

The CBO says the proposed immigration bill would boost the economy. If nothing else it will mean that members of Congress will be spending their money once again to get their lawns mowed and go to their favorite restaurants knowing they will have clean dishes.

The CBO says the proposed immigration bill would boost the economy. Apparently the bill will be pushed through because Congressmen are getting pressured from their wives who can’t find a decent nanny for under $500 a month.

An official from the NSA says that phone surveillance stopped a plot to blow up the New York Stock Exchange. Which would have caused less damage than if they had tapped the phones of Wall Street bankers and stopped them from destroying the entire world economy.

The AMA has designated obesity as a disease. Which means that Ronald McDonald has been identified as “Patient Zero.”

Katy Perry says that she was dumped by her former husband Russell Brand by a text message. Apparently it was so rude that even Taylor Swift is writing a song about it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Heat tied up the NBA playoffs last night to force a game 7 on Thursday. As a throwback to the old days, each player on both teams says they will try their best to bounce the ball at least once while they move up and down the court. The rest of you can be old school by just remembering to send the love!