Monday, August 13, 2012

Buy it on ebay!

Whiskey fans everywhere know that ebay has become everyone's favorite place to illegally buy and sell liquor at exorbitant prices. In celebration of this amazing underground whiskey secondary market, I thought I would give readers a preview of some of the great items I'll be putting on ebay in the coming months. Each one is a gem.

Very Very Very Very Old Fitzgerald, distilled 1763 by Pappy Van Winkle!!

Item Condition: Very Mint

Price: $3,528,789.26

This ultra-rare Stitzel-Weller collectors item is the oldest bourbon every made. It was handmade by Pappy Van Winkle of the Stitzel-Weller Distillery. This antique, tax stamped, Stitzel-Weller bourbon was acquired on a dusty shelf in Colonial Williamsburg. I had it personally authenticated by whiskey historian Mike Peach of the Indiana Historical Society. Of course, no one alive today has ever tasted it, but this is probably the best tasting bourbon in the world.

Rare Willett's Bourbon

Item Condition: Pretty Good

Price: $578

This is a rare bottle of Willett's Bourbon bottled by the Willett Distillery in Kentucky. (Note, the fill level is slightly below the shoulder since I drank some of it before deciding it would be better to sell it).

3 Grams Cocaine in Decorative Pouch

Price: $350

Three Grams of 100% Cocaine contained in a beautiful decorative pouch.

This item complies with all ebay conditions:

– The value of the item is in the collectible container, not its contents.

– The container has not been opened and any incidental contents are not intended for consumption.

– The item is not available at any retail outlet, and the container has a value that substantially exceeds the current retail price of the cocaine in the container.

Alright everyone, get your checkbooks out, program your bidding robots and be ready for your chance at these excellent items!

UPDATE: Having received a number of weird and concerned emails about this post, I feel obligated to point out that it is satire! I am not actually an ebay drug dealer (or any other kind of drug dealer). Come people, get a sense of humor.

William, unfortunately, it sounds as if your bottles are fakes. If you are not experienced with ebay, you may not know that there are a number of fake bottles for sale. That's why it is important to deal only with trusted purveyors, like myself.

Macdeffe, the Willet is not as old as the Fitzgerald. It is only "very old."

That split-label VVVVOF is decent enough but the "pre French and Indian War" backward-D golden tax stamped VVVVF treble-label with a driven cork is the true honey. I hiked upon half-a-case of cherry bottles stashed beneath the rough hewn floor of an abandoned mountaintop 7-Eleven in Northern Maine that'd suffered decades of Nor'easter and blizzard damage. Snagged five for the bunker and left one for some other bourbon lovin' SOB. Oh, and what's the blow decanter fashioned from? Looks like sting ray hide.