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My story

Submitted by questforself on Wed, 2012-08-29 07:39

Hello!

I wanted to share my story here briefly. I'm a musician in my late twenties, and I have had a problems with my sexlife ever since i can remember. Firstly, I have never had a real girlfriend, so you can also tell that I have not developed a healthy sexuality either. I have been masturbating more or less regularly since the age of thirteen, and while most of the time I didn't do it but maybe 1-3 times a week, there has been times when it was daily and even multiple times a day.

I had my first sexual encounter with a girl when I was around the age of 23, and after that i have had tens of short term sexual relationships ranging from one night stands to couple of months at the time. Especially in the beginning i used to develop a crush on the girls, but after several failures I learnt not to develop feelings and kept it very physical. I found out that it was very difficult for me to climax and usually it was only after a long time that i could orgasm, if at all. After a while I gave up on the orgasms and focused only on the women. As you can imagine, it got quite boring after a while, and the excitement of conquest after another got lower and lower.

Around 2 years ago I started to believe I have a problem with this, and began soul searching as an attempt to find out what is wrong with me. I found it difficult to develop feelings to women, and I began feeling like a lost cause and focused a lot on working and hobbies. I still went on dates, and even had one relationship with a good woman for almost 6 months, but it also dried up as it felt more like a friendship with sex.

Now last year I gave up drinkin almost totally, and began working out regularly and got into meditation & martial arts. Soon enough I began having some kind of visions about myself and new feelings, and I realized that it is probably the porn that is the main problem for me. I tried giving it up months ago but always got back to it after a week or so, as i was really yearning for that portion of dopamines. But at the same time I was going for more softcore porn, as the hard core stuff i had been watching was really disgusting me. Then i remembered the YBOP site and from there I navigated into this site. And I have to tell you, everything on this site is really making sense to me.

I gave up porn about 4 weeks ago, and haven't looked back since. These weeks have been kinda difficult for me still, as the withdrawal effects are massive! So far I have had insomnia, blue balls, aching penis, increased urge to pee and heavy mood swings. Also at times I feel so horny I don't know what to do about it! It's new for me, as previously i have linked that feeling to MOing - now I'm thinking about a real live female. I've managed to get aroused by just thinking about the girl I like! Also, I haven't even wanted to watch any porn, and if i have by accident seen a nude photo i didn't get the urge to MO. My morning woods have come back and they are massive :D Insomuch that it has almost been a problem for me.

I have also just recently met a girl that I seem to like. We haven't had sex or talked about it too much yet, but I seem to just enjoy being close to her, and feeling her energy when i'm holding her or dancing with her. My moodswings and insomnia are causing a bit of a problem though, as they make me sometimes crumpy, impatient and so on. And the time I slept with her in spoon, I had a hard on for the whole damn night - adding to the difficulty to get sleep

I'm hoping that this will get easier and that she doesn't judge me because of these, as for the first time in a long while I would like to go for a real relationship. I feel bad that I didn't manage to cut the porn out of my life earlier, but I'm trying to be happy that I finally did!

Sounds like you're almost there. Many guys notice that the insomnia and mood swings level out by two months. (The exceptions are usually guys who started on highspeed and who not only have to reboot, but also have to rewire to real women, and even they see significant reduction of most symptoms other than sexual responsiveness.)

If people understood the cost to their enjoyment of life from overstimulation, "balance" would be a key part of our sexual education. But gradually the word is getting out there.

I really had trouble when I first started practicing semen retention. I could not go even 5 days without getting blue balls and having my mind fixate on sex. However, it got easier and easier over time.

I sleep much better now than I did when I was frequently ejaculating. I have higher energy levels, but I sleep better. It seems counter-intuitive, but I am not complaining.

Yes, the blue ball -effect is horrible, feels like the whole organ is about to explode. Luckily it isn't there every night anymore. Seems like my body is readjusting judging from the increased need o urinate, and i think the consistency of the urine is also a bit different from before. Very intriquing journey to say at least!

Weed smoking + melatonin seems to help with the insomnia, but then again it also raises the libido so I don't know if it a good idea right now. Even though, now when I feel it, I do not project my thoughts to porn anymore, but more to real women that i like.

I find it interesting though, that before when i tried to quit, i had high urge to MO almost every day but now it's like it's disappeared totally? I don't know what happened?

I can give you an estoteric answer for what is happening to you. You can take it or leave it. I understand that some of this stuff is hard to believe.

Your body is changing because you asked it to. Somewhere along the line you set the strong intention to conserve sexual energy and direct it in more creative ways. You then showed your commitment to this intention by abstaining from porn and masturbation. Your body is now doing its part to help you manifest this intention by evolving to use sexual energy differently. Believe it or not, your conscious intention to evolve, and the force of your conviction, has caused your phsyical body to evolve in a very short period of time.

By the way, the change in your urine is natural. It becomes heavier because it has more protein in it. If you were still ejaculating frequently that protein would be used to create semen. You can cut down on protein if you want to thin it back out again.

I like your comment about not being able to sleep with a hard on all night while spooning a girl. I have had that experience. There is a simple solution to that. The erection indicates that you have sexual energy queued up. It wants to go to her. It naturally gathers in the sex organs, but you can move it in other ways. Simply tell yourself to relax and let the energy flow to her. Just keep repeating something like this in your head:

"Be calm, be comfortable, and be relaxed. Let the energy flow to her on every level. Let it go to her."

The actual words are not important. What is important is that you set the conscious intention for your masculine energy to flow into her. Then you relax and let it happen. If you do this, then the energy will move how it needs to move and your erection will go away. Then you will feel very relaxed and you will sleep well. You will probably also find that she deicides that she really likes you after that :)

this idea, it really resonates with me. I need to meditate on this. I have heard of a solo technique, in which a certain kind of meditation helps to transfer the sexual energy from the organ into the body. Sounds a bit similar except that instead of transfering it to my own body i would redirect it into her.

Today I feel strange. I'm packing my stuff now and moving to another home, so it could be it. Also this girl is moving this weekend. After our last meeting few days ago we haven't communicated much and i feel she is taking a distance so i'm giving her space now, even though i have to admit it would like to have some closeness now.

A week has passed since my last update with a major flatline. Generally very low mood, feeling quite asexual and even entertaining an idea of becoming a monk (i do practise zen and martial arts, although haven't been to the dojo all summer until yesterday). Loss of motivation for almost anything other than eating, although i've forced myself to start the physical exercises again (jogging, gym & martial arts) which does improve my mood momentarily after workout. Had one or two better days this week but heck this is getting frustrating. Drank maybe one beer and smoked two puffs of weed all week. Basically haven't kept contact with women this week except some random flirting with random women at malls etc. Feeling like this girl i talked about is slipping away from me but i'm not even interested (or even able to in this mood) to do anything about it now.

On the other hand, the insomnia seems to be cured, although i still like to take 5mg of melatonin almost every night before going to sleep.

Life has its ups and downs. There will be times when your energy feels flat and unmotivated. When those times come around it is best to just rest and take care of yourself. Don't try and force things to happen when you do not really want to. Eventually the phase will end and your energy will come back. It usually does not take too long.

When I get into one of those flat phases I always have to watch myself for dopamine seeking behaviors. I start thinking about masturbation, or buying new stuff that I don't need. My energy is flat, and my mind starts looking for ways to give life a boost. I have done things during flat phases that I regretted letter (when I got the credit card bill). Whatever brief, and ultimately ineffective thing I did to try and perk myself up was not worth the cost.

I had to learn how to be comfortable having occassional low energy without thinking that something was wrong and trying to find a fix. It is usually just a brief phase that will pass on its own.

If it does not pass within a few days, or happens very frequently, then go and see a doctor.

That relationship is now out of the picture as she decided she does not want a relationship in her current life situation. Of course I felt a bit sad, but accepted it and let her go. Two days After that I went clubbing, got a lot of attention from young women, but none of them REALLY appealed to me. Ended up kissing with one of them tho but decided to leave it to that. Next morning i was feeling very tense 'downstairs' so i decided that too much is too much, and checked some nude stills and ended up MO. It helped and I didn't feel bad or disgusted afterwards.

On the other hand i feel a bit disappointed that i failed in keeping strictly no PMO but my overall feeling is good. The sensitivity had risen and the soft core stills were enough stimulation. Almost like being a teenager again! I'm going to continue without P or PMO again as I noticed it has a positive effect on me. Maybe next time that I meet someone, I will be ready instead of an emotional rollercoaster ride.

Glad your sensitivity is returning. That's a great sign. What about masturbating without the stills next time? Remember, your brain doesn't know one kind of porn from the next...and it's easy to escalate. See What stimuli must I avoid during my reboot?

Yes I'll drop even the stills for now. I feel like it would be a good idea to limit my facebook usage to minimum as well and spend the time on meditation or something creative. One of my problems lately has been too much work and not enough sleep. I notice that when i'm tired I get depressed more easily and it's more difficult to 'fight' the negative thoughts. I also don't have energy to interact with people so it's a double negative. We will soon have a break from touring which means I will have more free time. I'm planning on using it to sleeping and resting for first few days. I've met another girl recently whom I seem to fancy, but this time i'm taking things slooow. So far we have only talked, cuddled a bit with some light touching. I kinda like it though as my skin is very sensitive!

Feeling better. Still very tired and lathergic usually, but i guess it has more to do with not getting enough and regular sleep. Today I decided not to do anything, hanged out with a female friend and my roommates, enjoyed a long jacuzzi session, good foor and couple of beers. At the end I was very relaxed and got horny, so I decided to M without P. Managed to get my first O without P since my teenage years I guess!

I'm still going to keep even the MO w/o P to minimum, but I see this as a progress! As a single man I have to allow myself some pleasure at some time. Altghough I believe it is not far away that I could actually be having more physical relationships with women in the future. Got my first booty call in ages although I couldn't answer it this time 8) So i guess something has changed after 1,5months of rebooting. In any case, i think i have had three orgasm in that time - all of them without much/any visual stimulation. Quite an accomplishment!

Watch out for "the chaser" over the next few days. (Extra strong cravings can really surprise you because "logically" you should be less horny, right?) See what you notice. For more: Do You Need A Chaser After Sex?

Just dropping by to let ya'll know I'm doing fine! I'm now on day 33 on my 2nd attempt on noPMO program and day 22 on my noMO set.

Noticed an long awaited increase in motivation in life & career, usually better mood, healthier sex drive which is no longer directed at P and MO but rather to real women. Although I haven't pursued any relationships or sex in these past 4 weeks at all, and therefore do not have GF or any sex/cuddlebuddies either. I've been directing my sexual energy towards creativity and exercixe - and on both fields I'm thriving!

So everything is ok, I'm just spending more time on yourbrainrebalanced.com which is more about my issues for now. I'll check in here also to let ya'll know of any significant changes. Haven't had any noticeable urges to MO or even watch P since my last relapse and it is good. Feels like my brain is rewiring itself finally!

So, stay strong my brothers and sisters. If you have an addiction, you can beat it by having great discipline and good motivation. The rewards are plenty if you just keep at it. JUST DO IT!

I did relapse again 2 weeks ago after having a girl over and still suffered from DE which lead me to PMO after she left to ease my painful blue balls, but been back on track ever since. I have made myself a weekly schedule that I try to follow adamantly, and also decided a new diet for me. My goal is to leave non-organic food off my diet, including meat, although I do allow myself to eat meat/fish every now and then (though if it's up to me, i will go for organic). I will increase raw vegan ingredients to my regime, and I plan to be eating mostly raw vegan eventually- In winter (now) though I have to add one warm meal to my diet.

I dedicate most of my free time to my hobbies: martial arts and music. If I'm not practising them, I'm probably learning and studying about spirituality and problems/solutions to current world problems hoping to (hopefully sooner than later) be able to actually do something real to help. Maybe by joining some program?

I have noticed a change in my perception - now I'm starting to feel like I can focus on other stuff instead of my own problems. Even though I haven't found myself a good mate (those that I mentioned earlier turned out to be flaky) I don't worry about it. I don't feel alone, nor do I crave for companion at this time. I believe that this nofap has helped me to overcome my perceived loneliness.

If you haven't already, I recommend you guys to look up a guy named Max Igan on youtube, he has some serious commentary on what's going on in the world today.

Sorry about the DE, but it's not unusual to have a bit of DE or PE at first. Seems to take a bit of practice for the brain to get sex right again. You might get better results by starting out really slowly, with lots of bonding behaviors, but not rushing into sex. The Lazy Way to Stay in Love

Very cool to hear that you're thinking in larger terms about what can be done to help. My thought is that helping people get their brains in balance is a big step. Without that, they are indeed too worried about themselves and their perceived lacks of one kind or another to do much for the rest of the world.

Could be nice to participate, but maybe not yet at this stage. Unless you would like to have one mid-reboot report and maybe one update after reboot and success story :)

Yes, I should try to slow approach. but it seems like it's pretty much the norm in here to go to sex pretty fast after 'hitting it off' so it would require a paradigm shift and strenght from me. And also belief in that this girl is someone I want to spend more time with. I'm quite picky after all with the company I keep.

Most notable changes that have happened during this time:
- No sexual thoughts or mental images fill my mind anymore
- My view about sex and life have changed
- Less severe mood swings
- Increased overall happiness
- Increased excitement about life
- Increased energy
- Increased spiritual awareness
- I have become vegetarian
- I do not think anymore that a partner is necessary to enjoy life properly

I feel like I want to continue my abstinence for now, as I have been enjoying these benefits greatly. I joined the NoFap2013 challenge, but I've decided to abstain from sex as well unless I find someone that makes me feel it properly! Although, at least for now I'm probably too busy to really meet anyone as I feel like there so much to do, and I feel like I need to make up for the time I have wasted during the PMO days.

[quote=Clarity]Except for the vegetarianism, I have experienced the exact same changes.[/quote]

Interesting!

I was quite active sexually for the past few years but I think it was mostly due to P affecting my brain and it wasn't due to real libido/arousal/horniness but just my brain looking for dopamine rush from O. Seems like the situation has normalised now as I don't have cravings for O anymore . Haven't even had any 'wet dreams' or NEs during my reboot, and it's been 110 days since the last O. I wonder how many modern men have achieved this? 8)

In any case Clarity, if you want to discuss your ideas with me, you're always welcome to send me a message!

Ok. So, I managed to hold 150days of abstinence from porn, masturbation and any form of ejaculation. Since then, I've gone back to M irregularly as I didn't find a partner and I didn't have a proper way to channel all that energy otherwise.

Since then, I've been getting more and more into spirituality, and mostly thru the help of OSHO, I found tantra. When I saw that there's a tantra course near my hometown on my holiday, I got interested, and after couple of days of feeling good about it, I decided to apply. Well. The course was INTENSE, but also immensly effective. It provided an atmosphere of trust and relaxation, which allowed me to express myself sexually without having to think in terms of commitment. As many of my failed relationships, in retrospect, failed due to the anxiety from thinking too much ahead (I couldn't enjoy the moments as I was already thinking about living together, getting married etc..) But here, I didn't have to worry about that as the expressions of sensuality and sexuality were in the framework of exercise, meaning, that after the "exercise" we had to let go of the person.

Well, after the course my interest in spiritual practise increased tremendously, and now I've gotten on a regular meditation "regime" and introduced some breathing techniques and basic yoga practises also to my daily practise. It has lifted my frequency tenfold already, and I can feel my attachments getting weaker and some even disappearing. Some things that caused me lot of anxiety and problems in the past I seem to be quite indifferent to now. Indifference has come - I'm not shaken by emotions the way I was before.

I've kept contact to two women from the course, we haven't met yet but there are plans in the air. I do not feel like I need or want a relationship, but I wouldn't mind to have a tantric partner to practise tantra with. I loved the dance of energies on the course, and I would love to have more of it in my life, even if it never escalated to actual sex. The practise feels more important now; as if the goals have changed!

But the thing I've learnt from tantra is, that the very nature of tantra is unpredictable - we just have to let things happen. That's why it is difficult to say what is to be!

The occasional M that I still do doesn't give me pleasure. It's mostly the anticipation that lifts the dopamine levels and the actual 'performance' is always a let down. So, now - with the increased amount of practises I have introduced to my life, I can feel that I'm getting quite close to letting go of that silly habit for good. I know I did it for 6 months already, so it doesn't feel like the "monster" it felt before the reboot.

And btw, I signed up for a Shiatsu diploma program which I will be starting later in the Fall, and I'm seriously planning a month long trip to India for a meditation intensive this winter. Some changes, huh?

This is all happening very fast, like I was on a fast lane of a kind, so it's kinda strange also. But yes, I'm enjoying the ride. Seems that my environment, like my friends, don't keep up with me. But I'm excited to see where all this is going, and that's good.