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Training for teachers and social workers to include hand-wringing

In response to a high-profile case of child abuse and neglect, the government is to introduce compulsory training in hand-wringing for all teachers and social workers.

‘It is important for the public to know that when something goes terribly wrong and an innocent child is murdered, the teachers and social workers involved feel sad about it,’ said Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt. ‘So from now on they will all have to go on a course where they are taught to say that they didn’t realise there was a problem, and if there was they did all they could, are very sorry, but it isn’t their fault.’

A spokesperson for teachers and social workers said: ‘We promise to learn the lessons from this. No hand will be left un-wrung until we find out what happened.’