Man Decoder: The Truth About Why He Won’t Commit

Question: Before we started dating, my guy had just gotten out of a really bad relationship. He was engaged to another woman who treated him like garbage before she eventually cheated on him and ended their relationship.

He told me that he has trust issues and isn’t ready for a serious relationship. He said that he hasn’t been dating anyone other than me, but he won’t actually call me his “girlfriend” or make our relationship “official”.

He even said that just because he isn’t ready to start a serious relationship now, he might be able to later.

A few weeks ago, when I brought it up again, he said he wasn’t able to commit to me because of his job and that he isn’t able to move away from it. (We only live a few hours apart.)

Every time I try talking to him about our future, he always has a reason or an excuse to not have the conversation. It’s beyond frustrating at this point. He will either have to do something for work, or have to go out. And last time, he claimed he was “feeling sick” and went to bed. It was only 7pm on a Saturday.

I’m worried that he’ll never be serious about our future and that he will never commit to me. I’m mostly just confused. Did I do something wrong to make him feel this way?

Take This Quiz And Find Out Right Now: Is He Going To Commit?

How Do I Make Him Commit To Me?

I know how frustrating it is to be in love with someone who refuses to commit.

It makes you feel unwanted and undesirable when your man doesn’t give you the same love you give him. It feels like he isn’t meeting you halfway (or even a quarter of the way) and like he just doesn’t see how great your future could be together.

You torture yourself thinking over and over again, “Does he see a future with me? Is there a chance that this could work out?”

“Will he stick around, or is he just biding his time until something better comes along?”

Or even worse, “Does he really love me?”

It’s confusing and it hurts, and every time he avoids the conversation or gives you a reason why he can’t commit it gives you a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. But you have hope that sometime in the future, he will finally come around and commit himself to you in the way you want.

Based on what you told me, it sounds to me like he is very happy with the “relationship” you currently have and that he simply isn’t ready (or willing) to slap a label on it just yet.

Remember, he just had a bad experience with his last relationship. If he committed to his ex 100% and things fell apart, he might believe (on a subconscious level) that if he starts making commitments to you, the same thing will happen and the relationship will go downhill just like his previous relationship.

Or maybe he is going through a rough period in his life and doesn’t feel ready for a relationship right now. Maybe he’s having some family issues or has financial problems that are the #1 priority on his mind right now. The list of reasons could go on and on. The most important thing to realize is:

It’s not your fault that he does not want to commit to you. It means nothing about who you are as a person. Remember that, and you will save yourself a ton of heartbreak if you learn to not take it personally.

Here’s Why He Won’t Commit To You

You cannot control the actions of another person. All you can control are your own reactions to situations life throws your way. The truth is, the actual reason a man gives when he says he does not want to commit is irrelevant. Let’s say the reason he doesn’t want to commit is because of past heartbreak. Or because he isn’t in a place in his life where he feels ready for a serious relationship. There are tons of reasons he could give as “excuses” for why he does not want to commit.

The bottom line is you should focus on the fact that he does not want to commit, and listen to a man when he says it. Don’t focus on the reason he gives. The reason he gives is simply to soften the blow.

A major mistake so many women make is trying to change themselves to fit some mold of the ideal woman they think will be worthy of commitment from him. A lot of advice in magazines will tell you to change yourself, to take up his hobbies and interests and to wedge yourself into his life.

The truth is, when you try to force a man to do anything, he runs in the opposite direction. Trying to force him to commit makes him feel like he is under pressure. When a man feels pressured and obligated to do something, he associates those bad feelings with you.

If you step back, take a deep breath and realize that the only way to motivate him to commit is by dropping the fixation you have with commitment, you will have a much better shot of actually making him want to be in a long-term, exclusive relationship with you.

Instead of obsessing over a title or a grand gesture of commitment, turn your attention to enjoying the quality of time you spend together. That’s what a man pays attention to in a relationship. He focuses on how he feels when he’s with you and if it’s a good time.

Another big mistake is buying into the huge (but very common) misconception that trying to show him how you would be the perfect girlfriend and trying to convince him why you two should be together will work.

The harsh reality is that men who say they do not want commitment always give a reason to soften the blow. Don’t focus on the reason, focus on the fact that he doesn’t want to commit.

It’s not a challenge for you to overcome. He’s not playing games with you.

So, back to the question… How Can You Make Him Commit?

I’m sure that having your man slap a title on your relationship would make you feel more secure, but if you were given the choice of a happy relationship or a title, which one would you choose? I can tell you what your guy would choose: a happy relationship.

Accept your relationship as it is and be happy with it. Don’t expect him to change for you.

When you rely on the title you want for your relationship to bring you happiness, you are unable to enjoy your relationship for what it is – two people choosing to spend their time together and loving each other.

You effectively become dependent on “what should be” and take for granted what actually is right in front of you. You will sabotage the future of your relationship when you only focus on the official relationship title (or lack thereof).

The simple fact is that you can’t “fix” the reason he doesn’t want to commit to you. Take what he says at face value. If he tells you that he enjoys his time with you and he’s sticking around, obviously he’s interested in you. If you are happy with how things are right now, continue. If not, don’t. It’s that simple.

When you can bring happiness into your relationship, your man sees how much you enjoy your time with him and realizes how much he loves being with you. This causes all of the pressure he feels about commitment to evaporate.

If you feel you will only be happy with the status of being “committed”, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. If he changes his mind and comes around, you will be the first to know.

I hope this article helped you understand the truth about why men don’t commit, and if you want him to commit then you need to know exactly what to do next, because there are 2 big turning points every woman experiences in her relationships with men and they determine if you end up in a happy relationship or if it all ends in heartbreak. So pay attention because the next step to take is vitally important. At some point he’s going to ask himself is this the woman I should commit myself to for the long term… Do you know how men determine if a woman is girlfriend material (the type of woman he commits himself to) or if he sees you as just a fling? If not you need to read this next: The #1 Thing Men Desire In A Woman…

And the second big problem many women face: Do you feel he might be losing interest, going cold emotionally or pulling away then you need to read this right now or risk losing him forever: If He’s Pulling Away, Do This…

Si you’re telling that women should just go with the flow, not pressure him and just enjoy the moments we have together so hi might see the woman he wants to commit…
Sorry I don’t go with that. Been there done that.
I did not want to pressure him whit the talk, the label… As he said: everything is fine the way it is…
So I did that for 6 months and we remained status quo… No commitment! So I left…
Why did he not commit but stayed? Simple!
I was not the right person for him and he was not the right person for me.
It was fun and casual for him he got the cake without having to make any effort for it.
If what a woman wants is a committed relationship and he doesn’t… That’s OK, she just needs to move on and find the guy who is willing to commit cause that is love…
The other guy was just having fun with here! He really liked her but there was no love.
This is the same in the other way around…
People just stay too long waiting for the moment the other will commit and often it will never happen because there is no real love.
So for me if he is not going in the direction of commitment I just walk away and free me up for the guy that is willing at a certain point to commit.
I also learned I was giving far too much of my person and love for him way too soon… He didn’t have to make any effort to get the comfort of a girl next to him it was so easy, so why should he ever commit!
lesson taken at the age of 43!

How in the world can a man commit to a woman these days since they have such a very big list of demands when it comes to men? Well since most women now are very picky tells the whole story unfortunately. Their list of demands include, men must have a full head of hair, be very good looking, very excellent shape, not overweight at all God forbid, has to have a very excellent high salary job, own a home, and drive a very expensive car as well. Well that is certainly quite a list that these very pathetic women have for men now. And since most of these type of women are real golddiggers today tells the story too. And considering that most of these women are very obese now and not all that attractive either, well they have such nerve as it is since they really can’t accept us good single men for who we really are anymore.

After 4 years living together.he says he loves me.but sti l pays rent to his mum.when we fall out he chose out til daft times of morin.don’t no were.but all ways comes go drunk.yet I can’t go out with my mates or even go shop with out him.he calls me all sorts n says I’ve been with his mates from pub .so I said why does he not ask his mates when I’m in the pub.he waits til we home .I’im 35 he 45.when I tell him go he just sits out side nine .his mum lives ten doors up he dose bout in the house all he dose is work then sleeps n I’m sick of him .he says if I go any were he Wil let my dog out help

I’m really surprised by all the comments from bitter men, claiming women want commitment so they can take men’s stuff, so men would be better off staying single, because they have nothing to gain from marriage.

First of all, I’m really sorry for you guys. You must have been through a rough time to feel this way. But men ánd women can cheat, be jerks and take advantage. And both men ánd women can love someone and want to do anything to make their partner happy.

I’d want my boyfriend to commit because I need to know that he loves me as much as I love him, that he wants me to be part of his life and to know that he sees me as more than just a toy. That’s all I want. If we’d ever get married (and I don’t even know if I want to ever get married; I think it doesn’t add much with current divorce rates being there), I’d insist on a prenup. I’ve got my own job. I don’t want anything from him, other than his love & loyalty.

Thinking that all women want is financial security and to take advantage, will only work against you, because you’re looking for confirmation. Loving, loyal and positive women will probably be scared away from someone who radiates negativity. If a guy would tell me that ‘all women are (fill in any negative)’, I’d run away. I know your comments about ‘all women’ are false, since I try everyday to make my SO happy. But I want to feel loved & respected in return, and if a guy says something disrespectfull to all women, I don’t want to be around him.

I don’t want to attack you in any way. Like I said, you’ve probably been through a lot to feel this way. But I just want you to think about this: maybe you’re turning these feelings into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I hope you’ll be able to surround yourself with more positivity, and I hope that that’ll lead to more valuable friendships and relationships in the future.

Men use the line that there ex girlfriend treated them like garbage and use there rough pasts to lure you in so that you will feel bad and wont expect to much from them. (& you fall for it) but more than likely his ex was tired of loving a man who wouldn’t entirely commit. Take it from a woman who loved a narcissistic man unconditionally for 17 years and listened to one broken promise after another took him back after cheating on me more than once and now breaks up with me because he never wants to get married but still wants to be friends. I am most positive he will use our breakup and say i was a terrible person all so he won’t have to fully commit to the next person. Point is be cautious it’s terrifying that men can manipulate and use good women

Most women will take you to the cleaners anyway when the divorce is final since the laws nowadays do favor women unfortunately. It is very wise today for us men to remain single since this will save us a lot of pain, misery, and keep much more extra money in our pockets as well.

I have a man that I care so much about however, he has trust issues and was very hurt in the past.. we enjoy one another sexually and enjoy being ion one another company, however, he does not have a title for our relationship. He says that me and him has an understanding that he is waiting to move into and buy a new home and get his life together, so he can be in a better position to committee to me as husband and wife.

A little over a month ago, I got a random message out of the blue from someone that I kinda knew but never really hung out or talked to. We were introduced a few years ago from a mutual friend and would talk here and there when we ran into each other but nothing else. So it was a bit surprising when he messaged me. We hit it off amazingly well, even made a few plans to hang out when his off days came about. However, when he got back to town, we never did hang out, and everything pretty much stayed the same, even the messages started to waver. I was sad about this but decided not to make a big deal out of it – we were slowly becoming friends and the last thing I wanted to do was to make him feel pressured. Although, I will admit, I’ve always be attracted to him since the day I meet him, it just never felt like the timing was right to pursue anything, even now. Then, it happened. Somehow the conversation went from light teasing to admitting that I think he’s handsome and enjoy talking and flirting with him, and him saying that he thinks I’m sweet, fun and pretty, only to add “either way, it’s not very fair”, as he’s never around because of his work. I was confused but didn’t push for a meaning – I was a little drunk by this point and didn’t want to say something that could be misinterpreted. However, I think I might have made a mistake with letting him know I was attracted to him, as the next morning he apologized about not following up on hanging out because he’s got things that he needs to work through. I told him not to worry, that I wasn’t a needy girl that needed all of his attention on me and to do what he needs to for himself. Then, he blindsided me with “I just don’t think I can commit to anyone right now.” I told him that I already knew that we were just friends and was never expecting anything. Although, I’ll admit, I did cry a little bit, mainly over the fact that I feel as if I’ve ruined a possible friendship because I was honest about my attraction to him, and I don’t know if I can fix it. It also saddens me to think that, in his mind, I’m pegging for a relationship. I don’t really know if I want one with him or not. I’m very much attracted to him but I don’t really know him well enough to start a relationship with him – we haven’t even hung out longer than 5 mins.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is: how do I fix this?? I feel as if he’s putting distance between us because I gave him the wrong impression. Should I try to reassure him or just let him be?? Right now, I’ve been getting him space with the mindset “if he wants to talk, then he knows where to find me”, but I feel as if wherever our friendship was heading just got completely derailed and that he’ll avoid any further kind of deep conversation or hang outs with me.

I was with my man for 10 years we knew each other since I was 14 now 29 we have a 7 yrs old daughter together. Almost 2 years ago I did the worst thing possible and betrayed him because I wasn’t happy about my self and therelationship. Our relationship was never perfect and it was at times rocky but always made it work. After realizing that he was indeed the man I still loved and wanted to be with he pushed me away. It was 8 months that I have been sticking around to see if there is anyway we cherish what we can still have move on with the present and future. But the more and more I read articles on line seems like he is just stringing me along and using me. All he says is he isn’t ready and needs more time. How much to me do you give someone? He makes me feel guilty if I move on. He even sabotage something that had going on someone who was good for my mind and health. I want a relationship of course to be a family again. Cheaters are always cheaters people can change . I just don’t understand if two people love each other still why not try to make it work. Real love never dies. He won’t commit but won’t let me go either. I ask him if he doesn’t want to be with me anymore to please tell me he won’t even give me an answer he changes conversation all the time or pretends he is sleeping and pretends he doesn’t hear me. Please help !

Actually, the fact that you betrayed someone who trusted you means that you have forfeitef the right yo complain. People never change, and at the end of the day a murderer is a murderer and a cheater is a cheater. Pleade don’t pressure him and give him some time. It will really help you.

Been hanging out with a guy for almost 6 months. We have a great friendship and have had sex, but not every time we hang out. He told.me he doesn’t want a relationship because he doesn’t have feelings / his feelings don’t work that way. Yet sometimes he says or does things that are more of something a “boyfriend” would do. Not just a friend. He calls me early morning just to be sure I’m up and awake to get my daughter to school or for work. He calls me when he’s off work to ask me about my day and talk about his. He’s cooked and brought me dinner after a long work shift. He found out I was talking to a male friend and made a comment in a jealous tone of voice about staying up all night to talk to all of my internet boyfriends. He’s told me “I only hang out with you” and “I’ve never cheated on you”. He’s jokingly said he was going to set me up on a date with a guy he works with (who I’ve met and don’t care for). When we are intimate, he is very passionate and gentle and tender. Just the way he kisses me…or reaches to hold my hand and interlock our fingers during sex…. but one time I leaned my head on his shoulder and he scooter away and said God! Why do you want to cuddle!? I told you I hate cuddling! I’m so confused! Mixed signals! Its like he’s into me…almost like we are a couple…but then he reminds me he don’t want a relationship or says something to “friend zone” me. He did tell me that his last relationship wasnt good and they we’re friends for almost 2 years before they actually started dating. Then broke up 6 months later. So maybe he’s just a slower mover than I am?? Scared?? I can tell he DOES have feelings…maybe he just doesn’t want to admit it?? Ugh I’m doing my best to let it go and not think about it so much but dammit! I just wish I knew what he really felt about me and if I should wait a bit longer to see what happens.

Ok….so he said he wants me in his life but needs “space”. I smiled, said I understood, and that I would love to see him but to expect me to be seeing other men. And I followed through. I met some great guys who made me feel special and wanted. I got him off my mind, spent time with him but also was busy many times when he wanted to see ME. I was the perfect woman the times I was with him but didn’t answer the phone after the first ring when he called. I was unavailable for last minute get togethers. Txt messages were not returned for hours. Suddenly……he changed his mind. He wanted an exclusive relationship.

Sounds like Dana’s guy right now. Same story. He’s been hurt in the past. I just want to love him and be that woman for him but he is so guarded and wants his life style of other woman. So hard. Grand blanc 41

I have been with a man who always has an excuse for his failure to commit – usually having to do with his children, who are now all over 18. I finally told him that I’ve decided that we have no future together. We will never marry, never be engaged, never live together. It felt so good to say it. I wasn’t mad. He freaked out and has been trying to get me to change my mind and see that we DO have a future together, but I’ve wasted enough of my life with him. I know if I fell for his schtick (again) he would fall right back into the same routine again. Forgetaboutit.

You know a guy had to write it. The truth is, if you and the guy want two different things, LEAVE HIM ALONE. Tell him that you love being around him, but you want something different. If and when he’s ready for what you want, you’d like to hear from him. Otherwise, end contact. Period. End of story. The person who wrote this article would have you waste precious time with a guy who may have you dangling for who knows how long.

I knew a guy wrote this! Lol
Yeah, while you want to enjoy the time you share with him, just don’t waste too much of it. It’s precious time you could be spending with a guy who is actually into you enough to commit. Don’t try and Force him though because you wouldn’t have insecurities with a guy who thought of you as long term. ( players excluded ) They just don’t know what they want but still don’t waste time with him. Take the initiative and Move on.

Bingo; always amazing how this issue is never addressed. I believe women define commitment as a man marrying them and then they have the ability to take all his stuff. If that is commitment you can keep it.

Im in the same situation, he isn’t divorced yet but the ex wife has a bf and they have 4 kids together. I have no kids, he loves spending time with me, and we been hanging out more..and more. he’s gotten vulnerable with me but won’t commit..he has dating in the past, but then he sabotage the relationships..cus either long distance or they get dramatic towards him he shuts down completely.. and with me i don’t nag or bug him, we tried dating he freaked out dumped in a text. and then we talked things out taking things slowly, we’re not labeled but hes not dating any one, or am i (he has no time too) but idk should i give up? he comes back around a lot says he likes me, and isn’t use too it. says i’m the one who stayed long enough too know him. he’s damaged..and i see why he has not let anyone close too him. I’m the first non baby moma he hasn’t dated. maybe he feels he’s not good enough i don’t make him feel that way he’s insecure but i take things slowly. we been doing this for a couple months 2…im getting annoyed i dont want labels, but i dont wana waste my time either

Ladies…are you serious? Take it slow, yes. But wait around? No. If you do a Google search on dating/marriage statistics, a guy who is serious about you will propose within 18 months. The longer it goes on beyond that, the chances he proposes goes down. After 2 years, get out. He’s either got Peter Pan syndrome or he’s just keeping you around until someone better comes.

Since you like statistics, over 80% of divorces are initiated by women. Men have literally NOTHING to gain from marriage and everything to lose. You really think intelligent men are going to sign their lives away just so she can have her ‘big day’. Just LOL. Keep searching for your alimony provider, I hope it never happens.

..and I’m not ugly, and I know he doesn’t think I am (he uuum..you know what.. to pictures of me, he just won’t touch me physically).. and I often have guys wanting to be with me who I turn down, I only love him :c

What happens if he *does* commit to you, as in, total monogamy and commitment to you alone (for 30 months now) ..says he loves and adores you, begs you not to leave him and literally cries when you say you will, says he wants to spend his life with you, says he can’t live without you, goes out of his way to spend time with you all day every day… But he won’t touch you. Won’t hug you, won’t kiss you, definitely won’t have sex with you, won’t let you see him naked, and won’t let you use any ”relationship labels” ..So, he’s monogamous to you (not seeing anyone else and has no intention to) ..but also won’t commit to a ”relationship” … God I’m so confused.

I am a woman and I have same problem with committing. I like to take my time to know the person and I wait till everything unfold naturally. Men who have bad experience need more time to know what they are getting responsible for. So I think, threatening or being needy to solve the problem, make it worst!

I have been with a man for 5 years i have bought him a ring,I can’t say he don’t love me because he is a Dam good provider for me and my girls he have no kids he treat my kids like their his kids but he brings up my past alot,he hates when I bring up marriage I have given him a alter mater that if he is not ready to commit that he needs to set me free I love this man dearly in my past he has did some unforgiving things to me,we have been through a lot but instead,he still gives me excuses or not wantin to talk when it comes down to commit, I’m thinking about moving on if he don’t make a commitment by my birthday March 20th

I am an older lady who has been with a man for 4 years. It took a long time for him to show any comitment but we met one another’s families etc. He treated my house as his own…..then just before Christmas he said we were arguing all the time (we were not) and he reminded me that’ll my home wasn’t his home. However considering he wasn’t happy with the relationship he wasn’t finishing it and still wanted to spend a couple of nights a week with me…..needless to say I respect myself more than that and he’s now gone…..I don’t know for sure if it was comitment issues but he was broken hearted over his relationship before me. When I asked him if I’d meant anything to him he replied ‘of course we had some laughs’ He’d never told me he had any feelings for me in the 4 years together…more fool me for letting it continue….my advice girls is don’t wait too long if your looking for comitment and it’s not happening. Your worth more, don’t waste your time.

Stop waiting for any man to determine what he wants in a relationship. Figure out what you want and set some limits. You do not want to be with a man for years of your life waiting for him to decide to make a commitment to you. Determine what your time frame is to spend on a relationship that is not going anywhere but as a girlfriend. If you want more, after a reasonable period of time… could be one year could be six months, could be two years; if he hasn’t given an indication that you are going to be his wife… you need to set a time frame for commitment, let him know that you will be moving along in say 6 mos if it isn’t looking like you two will be a forever couple. Do you have years of your life to give to every many you date? Think about what you want and stop giving away your power for your future to a man to decide.

I once had a guy who told me he’s not ready for commitment to anyone and all that bs after dating for several months. He got into a relationship with another girl one month later. A guy that my Friend used to like a lot told her that he was not ready for a serious relationship with anyone yet because of commitment phobia. The same guy got married a year later to an intern he met in the office shortly afterwards. I do not need to tell you the reason. It is already staring you in the face. You just have to accept it and move on.

O thats all a lie. He simply wont commit ever. Because if he shud’ve, he would’ve. This is simply a self satisfaction to a girl who want to keep thinking tht one day he ll finally commit. Sometimes guys keep doing this and at the end of the day everything u’ve done for him goes in vain. He isnt ready for a relationship now, hes trying to run away when u say it now, who knows he ll ever be ready for it later?? Be realistic hun! Its simple but its not easy. Either they commit with u or they dont. Get out of this misery.

What if you try and make it seem like it was HIS idea that you both commit? LOL. Crazier things have happened that I can remember. Some just cannot commit and that is their personality, if you want to change that, you change to another man.

I think that many woman beat themselves up thinking of reasons that a man does not commit. I am thinking that it comes down to one thing and that is asking him. Maybe he didn’t think that you were thinking about a committed relationship, or he was reading the signs incorrectly, there is only ONE way to find out.

I agree. Once he is telling you ANY reason that he does not want to commit. Just listen and keep that in mind. If that is something that you cannot deal with, then it might be time to move on yourself.

Men dont want to commit because they want to sleep with whoever will let them… their pigs who just want to jump in bed with any woman who says yes and if he doesnt commit he gets to sleep wtih anyone he wants… its not fair…

But what if you have a perfect connection with a guy but he still wants to see other people? When you know that you’re just meant to be together and everything would be perfect except he just won’t settle down?

You CAN NOT force a man to commit! Believe me, I tried! Twice! Even if he says yes all it does it set you up for misery and heartbreak. If he does not want to commit ladies do your self a favor and LET HIM GO. Find someone BETTER! A man who wont commit is a man who will make your life MISERABLE if you try to make him settle down…