Ranking the 30 NHL Jerseys: Part Three

10)St. Louis Blues – An instance few and far between of blue and yellow actually working beyond the high school level, these jerseys are smooth. But sadly for fans of St. Louis, they’re the oldest team in the NHL to have never won a Stanley Cup. Being a Cubs fan, looking at them strictly as Blues fans, I can feel some sympathy for them having never tasted the sweet nectar of a championship. On the other hand they get to root for the Evil Empire Cardinals, so I stop feeling any pity for them whatsoever. In fact, I now hate them, and hate myself for feeling an emotional connection to them, all after just writing that annoying baseball team’s name. They’re ranked 45 spots too high now that I think about it. Is it too late to go back?

9)Toronto Maple Leafs – Everything I’ve read about this team makes them seem like the Knicks of the NHL. Big market, big name, small results. The jerseys, on the other hand, are fantastic. The one blue, and one blue only, with a white and that same blue logo is another great “not tryin to do too much moment” in hockey jerseys. Fun fact, one of the first hats I bought when Mac Miller made it trendy to wear snapbacks, was a Maple Leafs hat. And lemme tell ya, I looked pretty cool…..I think I just set my own personal douche record right there. I feel good about it though, surprisingly.

8)Pittsburgh Penguins – I’ll never stop saying it, black and gold is the singular best color combination a sports team could have. I love that all Pittsburgh teams have the same color scheme. Why don’t all cities do this?

There, I just organized the sports teams of seven major cities by color scheme. That wasn’t so hard. If all cities would just do this, nobody will ever tune into, say, a Blackhawks game and think they’re watching the Bears. Ya know? Just making it easier on people. Oh, nobody has ever once done that in the history of watching sports? Ok then, moving on…

7)Montreal Canadiens – Let’s say I was sitting on one of those half couch/half bed things in Dr. Richard Nygard’s office, and we were playing the “say the first thing that comes to your head” game. If he said the word “hockey”, the Canadiens jersey would be the first image that would pop up. Yeah, so what if I drive all the way to Pawnee, Indiana for therapy. Dr. Richard Nygard is just the best. He came with a simply splendid recommendation from Chris Traeger. I’m a #Nygardian till the death of me.

6)Detroit Red Wings – Their red and white, while skating over the bright gleam of the ice, looks like what I imagine was going through John Lennon’s mind when he wrote “Strawberry Fields Forever”.

I just watched that Pavel Datsyuk video on mute with Strawberry Fields playing and I imagine that’s what having sex with Kate Upton feels like. I feel like I just wrapped the softest blanket known to man around myself in front of a fireplace on a cold winter night. That was nothing short of a religious experience. Holy shit, I need a cigarette.

5)Philadelphia Flyers – If the Blues logo was on Tinder, swiped right on the Red Wings logo, met up with them in their parents basement on Halloween and hooked up, these jersey’s would be their unintentional love-child. One of the few cases in sports where orange isn’t completely off putting. It’s a strong, independent orange that don’t need no man. And who can forget about the most famous Flyers fan of them all?

I am Goldberg!!! THE GOALIE!!!!!

4)San Jose Sharks – Originality here is off the charts. Nobody else uses their colors, and their logo balances the line between too ridiculous and just ridiculous enough better than any other team in hockey. There’s also this famous story: in 2011, Sharks captain Joe Thornton was on his way to the SAP Center in San Jose for Game 3 when suddenly a real life Shark flew out of nowhere and landed on the hood of Joe’s car. Luckily for Joe he always carries around his lucky harpoon, and was able to kill the snarling angry shark before the situation got serious. The Sharks won the game 4-3 that night, which ignited the legend of Shark Slayer Joe. I swear that’s all completely true and not just another tall tale I invented because apparently there are only two instances of hockey players killing an animal.

3)Boston Bruins – The man responsible for this ranking isn’t even a hockey player, but don’t tell him that. Still the record holder, even 18 years later, for being the only guy to ever take his skate off and try to stab somebody with it, and most time spent in a penalty. I’m talking about “The Amazing Golf Ball, uh, Whacker Guy”, Happy Gilmore. My personal favorite hockey player of all time. Up there with Bo Jackson and Jackie Robinson as of history’s greatest two sport athletes. RIP to Chubbs.

2)New York Rangers – I’ve always had an affinity for Madison Square Garden and the teams that play there. There’s just something about the Knicks and the Rangers that makes me want them to be relevant. I know people always scream for the small market teams to be this that and the other thing, but let’s face it, any sports is more exciting when the New York teams are involved. New York is an incredible city, from actual experience being there, it truly is the melting pot of the world. The Rangers jerseys, unlike their big market brethren Kings, meet expectations. When I have a bunch of money, and I have a job where I can wear whatever I want to work, I will absolutely wear a different sports jersey every single day. One of those will 100% be a Blue Rangers Gretzky jersey. It is just a great look, and I imagine one of the few jerseys that can pump a player full of confidence just by putting it on.

1)Chicago Blackhawks – I love Chicago and I’m not afraid to admit it. It’s the greatest city in the entire world. So call this ranking whatever you want, but the Blackhawks have the best jersey in hockey, and possibly the best jersey in sports. Everything about it is amazing. The way it completely pops off the ice when you’re watching Patrick Kane skate by a helpless mortal trying to corral him on the wing. The perfection that is the indian head logo.

It’s funny, that a quiet average kid from the Southside of Chicago had it right all along. Maybe there is deeper wisdom in my friend Brad from middle school. The ultimate don’t judge a book by it’s cover story. Wise beyond his years, Brad was behind the next big thing year before anyone else and took countless amounts of abuse about it. He’s a prophet, sent down from the heavens to sacrifice himself for our sins in an almost buddha-ian way. Maybe we should all take a lesson from this. Next time you see an awkward lanky kid roaming your middle school hallway, wearing something that’s foreign to you, go up and talk to him, maybe he has a knowledge bomb to drop on your head

What? Chicago is the best city I’ve been to and I live 20 miles away…the only other big north American cities I haven’t been to are new York and Boston…maybe they’re better? Who cares. The Blackhawks and old nuggets jerseys are my favorites…objectively. enjoy your parent’s basement and Troll on you miserable bastard