London's new airport will be underground, promises Boris.

An imaginative solution to the Capital's air congestion was announced by Mayor Boris Johnson at this week's meeting of the London Transport Planning Initiative (Air and Road) Working Party Select Committee Subgroup.

"The plan to construct a new airport underground is a brilliant one," Johnson explained. Solving at a stroke the twin problems of noise, air pollution and congestion - no hang on - that can't be twins, solving the triplet problems of noise, air pollution and congestion, no wait, triplet doesn't sound right."

The high speed tunnel leading to the runway will start at Dover, and will be marked by a giant bullseye on the white cliffs. Pilots will need a steady nerve to bring their aircraft to a halt at the new terminal adjacent to the Crossrail station beneath Oxford Circus. Clear signage has been commissioned at a cost of £45 million to eliminate any possibility of pilots taking a wrong turn onto the Jubilee line or indeed, as B.A.'s widely leaked pilot training video depicts in horrific detail, parking up at the Olympic stadium by mistake.