An application was for employmentA program was a TV showA cursor used profanityA keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy, you hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage, not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be locked up in jail for a while!Log on was adding wood to a fireHard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash...But when it happens they wish they were dead!

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.

"This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it".

At which point a Clever Dick stepped forward ( there is one in every crowd ) and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my father"? he asked.

There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.

On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida".

Clever Dick laughed. "Actually", he said, "my father is dead!" It had been a trick question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband?"

Once again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.

Again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words: "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida”