Relax, Bro: Chill Pope Doesn’t Want to “Judge” Anyone for Being Gay

We wrote back in March that Pope Francis was “so much chiller” than the old Pope—what with his unpretentious shoes (though not unpretentious in a conspicuous way designed to make you feel guilty about your shoes) and theoretical willingness to couch-surf if not everyone in the group felt like splurging on a hostel. And now, we recognize much of this “chillness” in his statement earlier today concerning gay clergymen: “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?” he told reporters aboard a plane we are choosing to call Pope Force One.

Previous pontiffs do not share this aforementioned chillness. Prior Vatican stances on gay priests range from excluding from ordination “those who are afflicted with evil tendencies to homosexuality or pederasty, since for them the common life and the priestly ministry would constitute serious dangers” (1961 A.D.) to considering “homosexual acts . . . as intrinsically immoral and contrary to the natural law. Consequently, under no circumstance can they be approved” (2005 A.D.).

In any event, judging by recent United States electoral history, the Pope will soon be replaced by a Tea Party–affiliated crypto-racist whose attack ads will point out that the Pope has “gone too far left” and “did nothing to prevent Obamacare” and “might be Muslim.”