The Bachelor Recap – 10/29/07

-Only a couple Bachelor related notes to start out with this week. We do have a link to Sheena’s boyfriends birthday video he made for her. Which really makes you question everything Sheena said after getting kicked to the curb last night. Here it is:

For some reason, I don’t think it’s working on Mac computers, but every time I pull it up, I can watch it, so enjoy. Still one of the all time classic videos. I think she was just running a bunch of B.S. at the end of the show last night because she was told to. And I’m shocked that Brad let her go without being honest and giving her the real reason: kooky Mommy. More on her later.

-Also, there’s been a rumor circulating for the last couple weeks that Brad has a 2 year old daughter, that all the women this season signed agreements before going on the show saying they knew about it, but wouldn’t bring it up, and that it’ll be revealed at the end. I have no idea how much truth there is to this rumor only to say I’d be shocked if that’s what happens. I can’t imagine the show would just go to that level and spring that on their audience during the finale. But hey, since the show is all about manipulation, can’t say I’d be too surprised if it did happen.

-And Dr. Reality Steve will be up in a couple of hours. I have to go run somewhere for work and then eat some lunch. Be back soon. On to last nightâ€¦.

UPDATE: DR. REALITY STEVE WILL RETURN TOMORROW. GOT BUSY WITH WORK AND TOO MUCH OTHER STUFF TO GET TO TODAY. CHECK BACK TOMORROW FOR THE GREATEST ADVICE COLUMN EVER.

-We immediately begin with Brad in the shower, probably footage that we saw in the first episode. Did we really need to see this? Is his figure that compelling that we need to see the guy in his birthday suit toweling off? Whatever the case, he’s getting ready for his hometown dates and telling us how excited he is to meet family, how it’s so important, blah blah blah. Same ol, same ol’. Just be ready Brad. This was one of the more interesting set of hometown dates we’ve ever seen. So much so that ABC, the same network that forks over a million bucks in ice for him to give to his dates, sends him off to Wichita, Kansas to see Jenni on Southwest Airlines? Are you kidding me? Let me tell you something. I can’t tell you how many times I used to fly Southwest to Las Vegas when I was living in L.A and I dreaded it every time. From the cattle call it turns into the minute they start boarding, to the seats that face each other, to the corny ass jokes the crew tells. What a horrendous flying experience every time you fly. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Hope you had fun Brad. Nice of ABC to pony up for you. A million dollars in jewelry and they can’t fly you first class on American? Cheap bastards.

-Brad meets Jenni at a dance hall because thatâ€™s where she won her first dance competition for $50. Jenni is a dancer in case you didn’t know. She likes to dance. Why? Because “it’s her passion and she’s really good at it.” Well, I’ll be the judge of that young lady. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Jenni starts putting on a routine for Brad. Ooooohhh yeah girl. Shake it. Do that thang you do. Uh huh. Uh huh. Work it girl. Gimmie the booty pop. Yeah, that’s it. Right there Jenni. Oh yeah. Daddy like. Almost thereâ€¦â€¦.uhhhhhhh, where was I? Anyway, Jenni danced, I enjoyed it, Brad got a kick out of it, and all was well in in the land of Brenni. As well as in my apartment. I thoroughly enjoyed her routine. So much so that I need to go get a bottle of water real quick. Be right back.

-Aaaaaaahhhhhhh, much better. So Brenni start discussing a possible future together. She was a Phoenix Suns Dancer during the 06-07 season, but in case you didn’t know, they all have to re-try out the following season to make the team. She hasn’t heard yet if she’s made it. If she does, it means another year in Phoenix and these two lovebirds will have to do the long distance thing. She’s afraid he might stop liking her. On the Bachelor? You mean the time away from each other causes couples to realize they don’t like each other anymore? Well, that would be a first. I don’t think that’s ever happened on this show before. Except for in ten of the eleven seasons. And in two of the three “Bachelorette” seasons. Other than that, their track record is perfect. I can’t possibly see what Jenni is worried about. Brad too. Long distance relationships that are started from a reality TV show are no different than any others right? Oh, they’re completely different? My bad.

-Jenni says it’s been 2 Â½ years since she brought a guy home. I’m guessing she meant a guy home to her family in Wichita, and not a Phoenix Suns player back to her apartment for a booty call. So Brad gets to meet Dad Richard, Mother Vicki, sister Tiffany, and crazy grandma Betty at her mothers hair salon, which I think doubles as her house. I was a little confused about that whole thing. Did she actually live there too? Immediately, crazy grandma Betty starts in with, “Are you a drinker?” Brad: “I’m the most boring bar guy you could meet.” Uh huh. Saying that in front of family will win you points. But I’m guessing all your patrons at the Dizzy Rooster and the Chuggin Monkey would beg to differ. And oh yeah, while we’re on the topic of the bars you own, I have a quick question. Is there a reason there’s a picture of DeAnna dressed in a policeman’s outfit on the My Space page for the Chuggin Monkey? If DeAnna lives in Georgia. What would she be doing in Austin visiting one of Brad’s bars the weekend before Halloween? I’m just curious. I’m sure it’s totally nothing. She looks like she’s sure having a great time though. And yeah, I think I need to take a visit to the Chuggin Monkey some weekend. There are some hot ass women hanging out there.

http://www.myspace.com/chugginmonkey

-Crazy grandma isn’t done with Brad. “That little lady ain’t gonna be a walking baby factory.” Easy there, Grams. Brad’s got to actually choose your granddaughter before he starts impregnating her. I think. Before Grams started asking Brad questions about his sperm count, Mom steals him away for a minute to do his hair. So she puts him under the sink, does the whole shampoo job, and starts grilling him. “So you work at a bar. Don’t you meet a lot of girls?” Translation: Why are you still single if you’re hot and work at a bar? Just come out and say it, Mom. Brad: “I don’t meet people like Jenni too often.” You mean dancers that flaunt their portfolio and are looking to add “Contestant on the Bachelor” to their resume? Yeah, you really wouldn’t find too many of those around. Especially at the Chuggin Monkey. Excuse me while I go back to that My Space page and then get another bottle of water. Thanks.

-Dad gets some time with Brad alone and asks what his goals are for the future. Brad: “I’d like to do some real estate, alsoâ€¦..” Dad: “You didn’t need to list them for me, I just wanted to make sure you had some.” Jenni’s dad was cool. Pretty much put Bettina’s to shame. So Brad assures him Jenni would be well off with him. “I promise your daughter will be well taken care of.” There we go, Brad. Flaunt your money. Tell him you’ll buy his daughter anything she wants. And that you’re a self made millionaire, and she can dance her tight little ass off all she wants as long as she comes home to him to make babies someday. Yee haw!

-Speaking of dancing, did you know Jenni loves to dance? It’s a big part of her life. So on her final alone time with Brad, they discuss that she will be a Suns dancer again this year. Oh yeah, that news just happened to come down while everyone was sitting down at dinner. What a total coincidence, huh? Perfect timing. Ahhh, see. Brenni was meant to be. Uh huh. Anyway, Jenni wants Brad to know that even though she’s stuck in Phoenix for another year, she wouldn’t want that to get in the way of their phone sex relationship they’d have to have if he picks her. She’s got no problem with the long distance thing because this is an opportunity she can’t pass up. She loves to dance. And shake that ass. And passing up the opportunity to get hit on night in and night out by a bunch of millionaire NBA players is just not something she’s willing to give up just yet. Brad is totally fine with that arrangement since he’s seen the talent that walks around the Chuggin Monkey on a nightly basis. “Sure honey, go ahead. Do your dancy thing. I’ll be right here in Austin. Every night. Look at these fine pieces of work. It’ll totally work out between us.”

-Sheena’s date is up next in Walnut Creek, California. They didn’t show Brad boarding his plane for this one, but I’m pretty sure he flew Frontier Airlines. When he greets Sheena, she’s waiting on a dock, while her mother and father are out on the boat ready to take them out. Immediately we are able to see where Sheena gets her giants breastseseseseses from. I guess Mom and daughter shared the same doctor. And let it be known that Sheena’s ex-boyfriend/boyfriend/little buddy’s name is Josh. I wanted to make sure you knew that since I’ll be referring to him pretty much any time I talk about Sheena the rest of the column. I think Josh is about as happy as a pig in slop after watching last night’s events transpire. Except maybe for that line about “I’ve never had my heart broken like this before”. How’d that taste, Joshua?

-To say Sheenas mom was a little out there would be an understatement. She’s a kook. Plain and simple. Very much into horoscopes. I’ve given you my feelings before on horoscopes, so no need to get into that again, but someone that puts that much stock into what sign you are, has a few screws loose upstairs. Immediately Kooky mommy starts in with it. The Kook: “What sign are you?” Brad: “Scorpio.” Kook: “Sheenas dad is a Scorpio.” Sheena is an Aries. Apparently those two mix well. Of course they do. He could’ve been a Pisces and she could’ve been a Sagittarius and that would’ve mixed well too. But if Sheena brought home some loser, no matter if they’re signs were the most perfect match in the known world of horoscopes, I’m sure Kooky mommy would’ve told her later that it wasn’t meant to be because of their signs. At least Sheena is separating herself from this claiming she knows nothing about horoscopes. But don’t tell that to the kook. She’ll have none of it. “I felt like I’ve known him forever. He felt like my son-in-law. It’s almost like he’s already part of the family.” Because he’s a Scorpio? Oh Good God woman, shutup. You just met the guy ten minutes ago. You’re trying way too hard, and embarrassing your daughter in the process. I think some of that silicone might’ve gotten to your head. Go get that checked out.

-Brad gets cornered by the Kook alone in the house and probably wanted to slit his wrists, just like Serena’s brother on “Gossip Girl”. News flash: A new show just got added to my TiVo this week. And what a surprise? Another chick show with a demographic of teenage girls. Sometimes I really question what in the world it is I’m doing with my life. But I’m hooked, no doubt. “Cruel Intentions” meets the “OC”. Right up my alley. So anyway, if you thought the Kook was a little nutty on the boat, it was nothing compared to this masterpiece. She was rambling on and on and on about, well, I’m not sure. I was writing so fast, this was all I caught. “You are my husbands signâ€¦..Big Dipper in the skyâ€¦..I know she’s the oneâ€¦..she might be somebody else’s one (Josh)â€¦.but I know she’s the one.” Huh? What is this woman saying? Did she take her medication this morning? The last thing a potential son-in-law wants to hear the first time he’s ever met you, is that crap. I wonder if Sheena and Josh’s breakup had anything to do with mom cornering him and talking about the Big Dipper and the stars aligning and the daily horoscopes in the back of the newspaper. Why don’t you stop talking for just a second mom?

-It didn’t stop there. “We are ready to commit. She is ready to be one man’s everything. Don’t you think that?” Brad: “Ummm, yeah. Sure. Definitely. Whatever you say, crazy lady.” Thankfully Sheena comes in and prevents any more damage. Sheena: “Did my mom embarrass me?” Brad: “No, no, not at all.” Brad is lying. If I were him, I would’ve politely said, “Beverly, I appreciate your honesty, and I find what you have to say very fascinating, but for love of all things that are good, please never open your mouth in front of me again. You’re scaring the sh** out of me.” And what’s this “We’re ready to commit” stuff? “We”? So if Brad or Josh asked to marry Sheena, you’d be walking down the aisle too? Kinda like a package deal? I really don’t think I’m being harsh when I say this, but that mother destroyed any chance of her daughter having a future with Brad. No guy wants to hear that. Just ask Josh.

-Of course, they didn’t want to make us think the date went completely horrible, so we get some Jacuzzi action with Brad and Sheena. And Sheena in her bikini. And her goodies on full display for the world to see. Sheena: “So did my mom embarrass me?” Brad: “No, not at all. It’s a great way to see where you get who you are – and frankly it scares the living hell out of me. I know they say a lot of daughters grow up to become their mothers. Let’s hope for your sake that never happens. I don’t want you teaching our kids about witch craft and the Big Dipper and planets realigning. I might have to divorce you.” Ok, he didn’t say all that. But he was thinking it. And looking back on it, it seemed like the footage of Sheena and her hometown date took all of about five minutes. That was easily the one given the least air time. And judging by his decision at the end, we can now see why. Plus, they needed to give more time to Bettina and her family of a**holes.

-Onto another weird hometown date in Canton, GA to meet Dididididis clan. Upon arriving, Brad is given a basket of peaches by Diddididididididi. You know, because Georgia is the peach state. How cute. And lame. All at the same time. So we get to meet her father Greg, brother Thomas, sister Krissy, and step mom Rebecca. Dididididididi is soooooooo excited to bring Brad home to meet the folks. “For the 1st time in my life, I’ve been a 100% proud with a man on my arm”. Translation: I’ve dated nothing but douche bags until now. My parents will be shocked and happy to see I’m not bringing someone home who isn’t a drug addict, or covered in tattoos, or reminds them of Justin Bobby from the “Hills”. Something tells me Dididididididi dates guys that, shall we say, aren’t anything like Brad. I think tends to gravitate towards the guys from the dirrrrrrrrty south. You know what I’m saying? Me neither.

-Brad gets some alone time with pops and puts him on the spot. Brad: “Do you believe this could be real between your daughter and I.” Dad Dididididididi: “Sure. Absolutely. I’ve watched all 11 seasons of this show, and there’s no doubt in my mind this could work out. I mean, just the other day when I was watching ESPNews and saw Jesse Palmer on there, I found myself, â€˜Wow. What a great guy. It’s a shame he and Jessica only lasted 14 seconds together. She must’ve been a real bundle to deal with because it definitely couldn’t have been Jesse’s fault.’ And then when I saw Bob Guiney and his wife on “Dancing with the Stars” the other week, I couldn’t help but think of the “Bachelor” and how he used it to pimp out his band, then started hooking up with that daytime soap girl, all the while leaving Estella hanging out to dry. So sure Brad, I definitely think this could be real between my daughter and you.” Aaaaaaaannnnndâ€¦.scene.

-I don’t know if we had learned this before, if we did I probably wasn’t paying attention, but Didididididi’s mother died when she was little. So she figured she break out the photo album while Dad and Brad were talking and catch him up on the past. There’s nothing like photo albums. Looking at pictures of a bunch of people you don’t know, in situations that aren’t the least bit interesting to you. Good times. Now, to be fair to Didididididi, obviously her mother was very important to her so she wanted to show Brad what she looked like. I can’t fault her for that. That was a nice gesture. And good idea of Dididididididi stop the photo album tour about a quarter of the way through. Any longer and Brad might’ve fallen asleep. Gave him something to come back for. And he said he would. Now, maybe it wasn’t in the league of Byron toasting Tawnya’s family with “Here’s to Christmas in Texas” and then dumping her in the final episode, but it’s still up there. And oh yeah, did I mention that somehow just randomly, Didididididi was photographed at one of Brad’s bars in recent weeks? Probably just a total coincidence, right?

-It wouldn’t be a hometown date if weirdness wasn’t thrown in the mix, so, all of Didididididis Greek family shows up unannounced for a party. And by “unannounced” , I mean “told to by the producers to liven up this boring ass day.” Over comes a bunch of Greeks whose names I couldn’t pronounce other than her Yaya and Papu. Weren’t those two of the Smurfs? Aahhh, those crazy Greeks I tell ya’. They sure know how to live it up. Dancing, drinking, screaming “Opah!” for whatever reason. Makes me wanna run out and marry into a Greek family. Put those crazies together with my crazy Italian family, and I guarantee family get togethers will never be the same. Yes, I’m Italian. But I’m not true Italian, if you know what I mean. I don’t wear gold chains, drive an IROC, grease my hair, or have Tony Manera posters on my wall. I grew up in the OC, so I couldn’t possibly be true Italian. All my family is back east though (Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan) so they just like to make fun of me when I tell them I eat Olive Garden or Macaroni Grill.

-Time for the most disturbing hometown date in recent as Brad travels to Wash, DC to meet Bettina’s band of A-holes. Glad to see Bettina dressed for the occasion to greet Brad. Did she just roll out of bed or something? Nice sweats and tank top you got going there. She must really be looking to impress him. Although, Brad thought she looked beautiful. Go figure. So, we get to meet four a-holes in Bettina’s family: her father, step mom, sister, and mother. Her father was quite a character. Kinda gave off that “Jeffrey Dahmer meets Stephen King” type of vibe. So needless to say, he was a bundle of sunshine. Her dad is a professor at some university and is disturbed by the fact that Brad never graduated college. Very disturbed. Almost to the point that he’ll chop off his head and put it in his freezer with the rest of the bodies. Stephen King: “It’s a great disappointment.” Gee Dad, tell us how you really feel.

-Now it’s A-hole #2’s job to chime in. This would be the step mom from hell. “Do I like the idea of my step daughter being hooked up with a guy who runs a bunch of bars? No.” Then also asks Brad, “Because of your job, do you work late at night?” Of course he does lady. He works at a bar. None of the other families seem to have a problem with their daughters possibly marrying a self-made millionaire, but because he didn’t read “War and Peace” you’re gonna give him crap? Go away. You and the rest of the a-hole clan can go be miserable somewhere else. Not on this show. This show is all about love, and honesty, and happiness, and bunny rabbits, and daffodils, and potpourri, and sunshine and anything else that brings a smile to a childs face. Your negativity is ruining my enjoyment for the show. Damn you, woman.

-Back to Spawn of Dahmer, he’s got more enlightening things to tell us. Namely, Bettina’s ex-husband. Oh, this was a doozy. “Bettina’s first husband was a wonderful, wonderful man. She’ll never find another one like him.” What? Why didn’t they just stop rolling cameras at this point, pack up the trucks, and head back home? Either that or keep the cameras rolling and have a reality show just based on Bettina’s cast of a-holes for a whole season. I’m sure people would love to hear her family complain for eight episodes straight. Can’t we all just get along? C’mon, everyone join hands and sing “Kumbaya”. Or how about this little ditty? “You are my sunshine, my only sunshineâ€¦..” Man, and I thought Kristy was a downer. This family is re-writing the record books on family misery.

-And it didn’t stop there. Brad gets to hang with a-holes #2 and #3 (that would be mom and step mom) in the kitchen, and they continue the verbal beat down on our poor little Bradley. They’re both questioning that Brad is leading some women on at this point in the competition. “You cannot screw around with peoples hearts.” You can’t? Then obviously you haven’t watched this show before. That’s basically what the show is about. Leading women on, telling them how happy you are with them, saying you can’t wait to see them next weekend, and then canceling your date through a text message. Ummmm, yeah. I got stood up this weekend and am not thrilled about it. But enough about me. The point being that these two a-holes are oblivious to how this show works. But I’m guessing Bettina has some modeling career she’s pushing, or maybe needs to add some more footage to her demo reel, but whatever the case, doesn’t seem like she’s here for the right reasons.

-So after Brad gets thoroughly whipped by Bettina’s family, it’s time to do the most logical thing. Take it all out on Bettina. Brad: “I might not have an education, but I’m sure intelligent enough not to judge anybody.” You tell her Brad. Bettina then takes her whole foot and sticks it in her mouth with this beauty. “Well, I don’t look that great on paper either.” Ouch. Why not just tell the guy you think he’s a complete failure for not finishing college? I actually felt sorry for Brad at this point. What an absolute disaster of a hometown date. Which makes his decision to send Sheena home all the more shocking. So, why exactly is he keeping Bettina and that family around? I know Sheenas mom was a lunatic and all, but at least she wasn’t verbally degrading the guy. One final blow from Brad: “I don’t like anyone questioning me. I don’t need to hear how I don’t look good on paper.” I thought for a split second Brad was gonna haul off and call her a b**ch at this point. Then I remembered he was a southern gentleman and would never do such a thing.

-Rose Ceremony time. Brad: “So good to see all four amazing familiesâ€¦.except you’re a-hole clan Bettinaâ€¦..it’s a huge part of my life to involve familiesâ€¦.makes it much more personal for meâ€¦.saying goodbyeâ€¦breaks my heartâ€¦”

Didididididididi: “Shake that ass, watch yo’ self, show me what you workin’ withâ€¦..”

Oh my God. No Host Chris. He didn’t feel the need to tell us this week that 3 minus 2 is 1. Thank you so much. Now go practice the Paso Doble.

Bettina: This made zero sense to me. Not like I think she has a chance of winning, because she doesn’t, but wouldn’t you much rather swim around Cabo with Sheenas fun bags than Bettina and her misery? I didn’t get that at all.

-Even though Brad had trouble telling Sillary last week that he only saw her as a friend, he was about as blunt as could be with Sheena. “You are so deserving of happiness and the perfect guy. Honestly, I wish I was that guy, but I don’t think I am. I’m sorry.” If only he would’ve given us a reason why he didn’t think he was the perfect guy, then he would’ve been the first Bachelor in history to be 100% honest with someone that he just booted. Instead, he was only 90%. I think he should’ve just told her that Josh is the man for her, he could never put together a video montage like he did and stick it up on You Tube begging for her to take him back, and still have any pride left whatsoever. Josh, you are a true romantic. I hope Sheena stays as far away from you as possible.

-Sheena: “You were the person I thought about before I went to bed and after I woke up.” Ooooohhhh. Sexy. And what did you do before you went to bed Sheena? So you thought about him while you were brushing your teeth? Taking off your make up? Or during, ummm, other things? Naughty, naughty, girl. Then Sheena started in with the B.S. “I was falling for himâ€¦.I didn’t expect this to happenâ€¦.I feel like my heart was ripped in half and stepped onâ€¦.I’ve never had my heart broken like this beforeâ€¦.and the sad thing is I’d do it all over again because that’s how much I liked him.â€ Ummm, yeah. That is pretty sad. You’d do this again? Even though he doesn’t like you? And Josh is waiting at home with a video camera and CD of love songs? Wow. You’re just as looney as your mom. Maybe it’s a good thing her experience on this show has come to an end. Hey, she got some Chopard earrings out of it, didn’t she? I’m sure those will be up on Ebay in a matter of minutes, if they haven’t been already.

-So next week, we get the overnight dates in Cabo. When was the last time the overnight dates all took place in the same city? I’m sure some of you die hard fans remember, but I don’t remember the last time that happened. So while he spends the night with one girl in Cabo, the other two are in the same city but at a different hotel? How awesome would it be if say Brad and Jenni spend the night together, and they put Bettina and Dididididi in the two rooms adjacent to Brad and Jenni’s without telling them. If I were producer that’s what I’d do. I’d make the two girls who weren’t on the overnight date be forced to listen to the headboard banging against the wall. This needs to happen.