Groundhog day – end of a relationship

Recently, I had a phone conversation with a friend that I have not spoken to for a while. It was a depressing call. Her third husband (he only lasted twelve months) left her two months ago. How many times do we have to make the same mistake before we learn? How many failed relationships does it take before we learn we that we have to get the relationship with ourselves right before we can fully get a relationship right with another?

In her view, most of the problems belonged to husband number three. He was neglected and suffered as a child and he had never fully developed his social skills. If he received remedial counselling, in her view their marriage could be saved.

This woman had heard me talk about the importance of the relationship that you have with yourself years earlier when she was “single”. She did not want to hear it again. She took my words as criticism. She was angry. I was in a good relationship and she was not. I was lucky and she was not. Finding the right partner was a matter of luck, end of story.

My friend is a devout Christian. To my credit, I avoided the temptation to say that it was God’s will. The black humour part of my brain is sometimes hard to control.

Three years ago she asked for my advice. I thought I gave it my very best shot to explain to her what she needed to change before she started a new relationship. I failed. Why? I could not get her to shift her focus from the goal of being partnered to the goal of being fully present. I could not convince her that what she was doing in the “present moment” was limiting her future.

We remake ourselves every day, but without awareness or presence, we keep repeating the same mistakes. It is probably true that her husbands - one, two and three - all had problems. Forget about “fixing” partners. Just focus on the common link to these failed relationships. That is where the true answer lies.

“Changing the relationship I have with myself makes no sense! It doesn’t help me!” She cried in exasperation. Now I am getting frustrated too. I have been on the phone for nearly two hours now and no progress. In desperation, I drew on the experiences of Nelson Mandela to help make myself understood.

When Nelson Mandela was sent to jail his life could not have seemed more hopeless. Thirty years later he emerged from jail as a person of immense strength who was able to win the love and respect of all South Africans.

Only when Mandela was able to see and feel the humanity of his enemies could he formulate a vision of a better South Africa. However, before he could do this for others, he had to achieve this for himself. He learnt to recognise which of his own thoughts were harmful and which ones were helpful. He also learnt that an absence of thought, meditation, was an even more powerful way of finding his true self.

Deep down each person has immense worth. Once you have tapped into your own immense worth, you are then able to tap into the worth of others. Once you have tapped into your own immense worth, you see others with greater clarity and you make it easier for others to find their own worth.

My friend was left wondering – did Mandela create his own destiny or was he just lucky?

This goes back to, or is a more personal way of explaining that, in order to love someone or to be loved by someone, you must first learn to love yourself. This is a point you have made many times before, but I think this may be the clearest and most convincing way to explain it that I've heard yet.

I agree with everything you've said here and I can only hope that all our members will read it, practise it, and succed in learning to love themselves. From there I hope and believe they will soon after find their perfect life mate, and if not then they'll be well equipped to enjoy life until such time as they do find their perfect lifemate.

.....Geez I wish people would not fall back on using Mandela(war lord/butcher/massive racist) or other such disgusting people as a morphis for how to behave within one's self...there many more people to use as examples throughout history.. Otherwise your words sound intriguing and where hearfelt to your friend.

For the uninitiated, I strongly suggest that you go to somewhere such as YouTube and type in 'Rice Experiment'. There are many, many videos for you to choose from so I won't leave a link.

The fundamental idea behind this experiment is to prove, categorically, that we are all affected by energy/frequency, and how this energy/frequency can even affect water itself. Now, before you all start thinking this is all 'new-age hype', I can assure you, it isn't....

Think of it like this: Everyone knows how a radio works. You simply 'tune-in' to the station that you want to listen to. So where are all the other stations? Just because you are tuned-in to one radio station, does that mean that all the others are not there?

I've shown this experiment to ALL of my students at school, simply because I think that it is a HUGE lesson that we NEED to understand.

Put another way, have you ever walked into a room and just 'felt' the 'atmosphere'?

"ooh, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife!" Thinks about it. Like-energy attracts like-energy - provable FACT! Understanding this simple, yet often mind-blowing 'law of the universe', is one of the first steps to understanding your own self.

Also, I suggest you do some research on the 80:20 'rule'. Simply put, 20% of causes create 80% of the effects, or vice versa. In other words, we only have to change 20% of what we are doing in order to change 80% of things that are happening.

I can't find evidence to support your view that Mandela was a "warlord /butcher /massive racist". However, what if it was true? To enter jail that way and emerge from jail the man he became through developing self-love and self-awareness.... Wow! That would mean that there is hope for any CLM member!

It is a sad ending, thanks for sharing. I think we can learn something from this thread. However I believe in everyone including myself has their own destiny and they deserve it. I remember I have ever heard about one story that some master intended to help someone(who was actually not deserved to be helped) against the god will and finally the master has been punished(his eyes were blind right after helped). Although this story seems to be a little bit superstitious but it does can tell us something. Sometimes we may have to accept we could or have to be hopeless and powerless for someone and something particularly when we felt we have already tried our best. Not everyone is teachable and can or like to learn from their own experiences and others...

Well in one way it is not an ending, but part of a cycle for this person. When you say some are “not teachable” or not willing to learn (I prefer these words), I have to agree. She and others like her will maintain this cycle of relationship failure for the rest of their lives.

Did I waste my time? Maybe, but if sharing the story here on CLM changes the thinking of just one person then it was not wasted time.

Yes, as you said, it may not be an ending but part of a cycle of that person. However many of us could be like her and this may be called as destiny. I am sure your friend herself doesn't want to repeat that cycle and felt very sad,heartbroken and painful about her 3rd husband's leaving...I think she probably also have tried her best basing on her knowledge and abilities to work for the relationship.Otherwise she may not have contacted you again. As there are too many factors are involved into the relationship, even if she has tried her best on her side(like he had done as per your previous direction or suggestion),the outcome will not always be satisfied or different as the current one. In the relationship, the outcome is actually not 100% controlled/decided by one side or one aspect except individual side only can try their best on their part. The other left parts are in the god and others' hands. From this point, I am really feel sorry and sad for your friend about the ending of her 3rd marriage. She could be innocent and hopeless to some extent. She may paid some bebts that she has ever owned someoone in her last life cycle through this way. Sometimes I will think like this and I can get some comforts from that thinking and feel better. Yes, I understand and have already felt your sincere intention to intend to tell everyone here how important the relationship with self is and how that relationship could impact the one with others. I totally agree with you on this point. Thanks for your response.

How many good relationships do you have right now? Do you have positive healthy relationships with men, women, boys, girls, the elderly and most importantly yourself? The sum of the positives in all of these relationships is directly proportional to your chance of finding a lifemate who is right for you.

Many here have loyalty at the top or very near the top of their list for choosing a life partner. What does loyalty really mean to you?

( Wikihow has an insightful description about identifying a person’s capacity for “loyalty”. How loyal are you?)

http://www.wikihow.com/Choose-a-Loyal-Partner

If you have trouble answering the questions above, like my friend does, then you need to do more to make yourself relationship ready. A blind focus on getting a partner no matter what, will only lead to pain.

Are the qualities that you want most in your partner already present in you? Be the change that you want to see if the world. Don’t wait for another to change you into a better person. Start being a better person today. Start gently. Start by showing more compassion and forgiveness to yourself. Before you “target” someone to be your partner you must be prepared. You must be relationship ready FIRST!