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Not exciting, but still My Life

:new:I have never written anything like this before so let’s see if I can actually do it and have it make sense. I don’t know if anyone will ever ready this but I am writing this because I want to be able to look back when I forget:
A) How bad I wanted to get drunk
B) How bad I felt physically and emotionally when I got drunk
C) How others, mainly my husband, viewed me and my actions when I got drunk
D) How badly I want to stay sober
I am 44, marriage #2, living in the most wonderful place on earth. I have a 26 year old son and a 5 year old grandson that live 16 hours away. I see them both about once every 2 years.

I grew up in a wonderful household with loving, supportive parents. My father was an alcoholic as long as I can remember. I’ve gto the memories of Birthdays and Holiday sitting around waiting from my father to come home from the bar so we can celebrate. The missed dinners, and social events because he was absent. The worry every time he didn’t come home when expected. His runs to the store that would take 3 hours. Riding in the car with him driving erratically, crying, begging him to pull over. Lying awake at night hearing the endless arguments that my parents would have regarding his drinking, sitting in the car outside a bar because he “just needs to talk to this guy” and after 2 hours wondering if I’ld be in trouble for going in and getting him, etc.

My father had “held it together” pretty much until I was about 15. After that he basically became the bum you see on the street except that my mother was able to keep a roof over our heads. I remember coming home from school with a friend and stepping over my passed out father on the floor. I just blew it off to my friends but I can’t imagine the horror they must have felt when they saw him. It never even dawned on me that he might be laying there dead.

My mother finally divorced my then sober father after 27 years of marriage. I blame AA for pulling them apart because my mother didn’t know her role after my father got sober. I feel that AA taught him how to lean on others and he forgot who was the one that had been holding him up for years. I know that is totally an unfair statement against AA because there was support for her also, although she didn’t have the problem, did she? But it is honestly why I can’t participate in their program to this day.

My father was sober for over 9 years before he first fall off the wagon. After that it was a series of sobriety and then binges. My father died at the age of 68 and his death certificate reads “undetermined” but I at least know what attributed to it. The last time I spoke with him, when I told him to never contact me again, he was drunk. Having said all that, he was a wonderful father whom I adore to this day. He was never a mean drunk and for that I am grateful.

So, due to growing up in that atmosphere, I rarely drank alcohol. Maybe once a year?

OK, fast forward to the age of 35. I start with a few drinks because I finally found something that tasted OK. 2 in one night would have me stumbling. 9 years later? I drink 3-6 drinks a night but I top that off with almost a liter of whiskey. I never drink to get a buzz, I now drink to get drunk. Every night. I don’t remember anything in the mornings. I wake up in the middle of the night for hours and blame it on insomnia. I drink in the night to make myself sleepy again. My husband doesn’t know how much I am drinking, I try and be smart enough to hide the bottle before I pass out so he won’t see it in the morning. I wake in the morning, usually without hangovers, unless they can be described as tired, achy, hungry (because I passed out before dinner) trying to smile and pretend like everything is normal with my husband although I don’t know if it is because I can’t remember anything. I haven’t had a normal “stool” as long as I can remember due to whiskey stomach. I have gained 40+pounds since I met my husband. On the weekends the drinking starts as early as 10AM, although my husband doesn’t know that. Social events are out because that would interrupt my drinking time. On work nights, I’m pretty trashed by 6, even though I don’t get off until 5. I have called in the last 2 Mondays, sick.

My husband is the sexiest most loving manly men around but he recently told me that I’ve hurt him. (that’s like a parent saying they are “disappointed” in you) It is because I’m careless and lash out at him when I’m drinking. He drinks also, but not to my extent.

I used to be an athlete with a body that anyone would die for. Now, because of my beer gut, I can’t even see my toes. I have varicose veins on my face and I look 10 years older than I am.

I’m so over it. I want to have that body back, that respect of my husband, to see his eyes on fire when he sees me, to have others envious of my energy and commitment to my exercise and well being. I want to compete in athletic events again. I want to be healthy, awake, coherent, alert, sexy, well rested, vibrant, athletic, smart, smiling, friendly, outgoing, empathetic, a good friend, an awesome mom and grandmother, the life of the party because I am sober, the best wife, and most of all proud of myself. Oh, I forgot, I can't wait to make love sober again. Woo hoo!

I am on day 8 using Antabuse. I had it prescribed and took it in the afternoon before I could talk myself out of it. I must admit at this point, it is probably the only thing keeping me from having “just that one drink” but I’m OK with that. I read “Antabuse teaches my body what my mind is already learning, that alcohol makes me sick and miserable. When I take antabuse I experience a sense of relief and less craving-I know that I can’t drink so I don’t have to fight a drink all day long. It is far easier to make the decision not to drink once a day in the morning than to have to make 10-20 decisions not to drink all day long.” Someone mentioned that I need to get 30 days (my longest run was 10 days, about 2 years ago. Other than that 2 days tops, a couple of times) under my belt so I’ve got a clear mind and then can start to work on the issues that are causing me to drink. What are those issues? I don’t know but I guess I’m going to have to figure that out as time goes by.

I’m so glad that I can come here. I can read of others struggles and tell myself that I’m glad I’m not them. I can come here and get a cheer when the time is right. I can come here and vent and no one will judge me. Thank you for being here.

Not exciting, but still My Life

Maybe that's part of the issues I have to deal with huh? LOL.

I just look at others and think, I had a roof over my head, had 2 parents under one roof, had food, not a lot of money but I was taken care of, lived in a great little town, had pets, and my dad did not beat or abuse anyone, had great memories of family camping, movies, laughs and love. For that, I think compared to alot of kids, makes for a "wonderful" household. Sad huh?

Not exciting, but still My Life

Kuya-I do agree though with the trauma. I'm usually not one of those that blames issues on others. I agree with the Eagles when they sing "GET OVER IT".

My issues with the physical body comes from wanting to be loved and accepted. I had sex too early, had a son to early, cheated on my 1st husband more than once. Also, I am a pro at pretending things are OK when they are not or not dealing with issues. (at least I'm a pro to everyone else, I understand that in not dealing with issues or facing things that need to get taken care of, I'm creating anxiety within myself.)

Not exciting, but still My Life

Hi Overit:

When I first read you post I truly thought you were one of my dearest friends whom I no longer am in conatct with because in a drunken state she hurt my twins when they were sleeping over at her house with her twins. Our girls are 10. We were friends along time and drinking buddies so I knew her life growing up and it is identical to your except that her dad is still alive and our kids are much younger.

I almost PMd you to ask if you were her !!
I got sober first about seven months ago though i have had some slips. I tried to get her to come to MWO but she always had a reason she wasn't ready even though she knew she had a BIG problem... I still am in guilt regarding wether I should have been more direct with her, the way she treated her children when drunk, her temper which went from serene to completely explosive... She would tell me how proud she was of me and she would join me ...soon. Then that happened with our girls. And I couldn't deny any longer that we were on separate journeys with this thing.

With feelings about her family She went back and forth. She told me she had to clean cat shit out of her dads hair because he would often come home so drunk he tripped, fell and passed out in the cat liter... But she has great affection for her dad (less so her mom I think as her mom is a completely control freak) her sister was a complete mess- lost her kids, went to jail...

But she talked about her childhood very clinically, not much emotion. But everything else was way emotional!! She would cry at the drop of a hat and you couldn't leave her without huge hugs. But she was always a happy drunk, lugubrious I used to say because she would just be all lovey duvey. Well, almost. Sometimes it was not so lovey Duvey...

I'm rambling, I know. But reading your journey made me think of her. I wish she would come to MWO. I know you two would get on great . I guess I just miss her. If you went through what she did I hve no doubt you are are a wonderful person, loving and sincere and your children are beautiful.

Not exciting, but still My Life

You couldn't have come to a better place to get AL out of your life once and for all. It sure does take some time and distance to see the effects and control it has over us. Our thoughts, our actions...what is sadder still is what it takes away. I don't make promises I can't keep, but I'll make you this one; The more distance you can put between you and AL the happier you are going to be. I will be 23 months sober tomorrow, and I wish I could let you experience how good it feels to be here. There is tremendous growth to be done in the next few weeks, you will be amazed at the journey you will be taking. All in a POSITIVE direction. Like K9 says, Take The Dam Pill...everyday. Take 'choice' out of the equation. You don't know me from squat, but I can tell you, your story sounds similar to mine. On weekends I tried to hold out to 10:30 A.M. and was passed out by 8 that night. On work days my 5 o'clock was getting earlier and earlier (2:30 some days). I would get MAD if something came up that interfered with my starting time. Other than the past 2, I barely remember the past 10 years! Where did the early 2000's go? I regret that. And in the next few weeks as you continue to grow, you are going to have to deal with some of your own regrets. All I can tell you is to accept them...own them, and move on. Everything you mention is totally fixable! Every single thing....this is quite a journey...but it is WORTH it! It is the best decision I have ever made for myself and now my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. I denied I had a problem at all! Once I accepted it, I could take steps to remedy it. You've got 8 big days under your belt! Well done, it only gets better from here! Thanks for taking the time to share your story with us. We are so glad you're here! Byrdie

Not exciting, but still My Life

Kradle-not her. I, fortunately, did not start drinking until I was 35, my son was 17, so he had a pretty good life growing up. I did have a temper with him and he's the only one that has ever brought it out in me. I really gave him some issues I think. I do not show emotion to anyone very often. My husband, even though he is such a man's man, is hurt sometimes because I don't show that emotion.

Byrd-WOW, it's going to get harder on the acceptance/regrets stance? Bummer. Thanks for your wisdom. I really appreciate it and you watch, I'm going to lick this thing. I am one strong chick when I put my mind to something.

Not exciting, but still My Life

That's what I was saying about the Eagles song "get over it" That's the way I feel about most things.

But, even my physician didn't want to prescribe AB to me if I wasn't going to deal with the "stuff" behind the drinking. I didn't know there was any. I just thought I liked to get drunk but I guess, from what others say, there are underlying issues and I eed to digure out what those are.