One Goodnight, Psychic Soul Kiss, Hold the Crabs

or
"Stone Soul Kiss with an Alien, a True Story"

So did i tell you about this shit that happened to me the other night? i was pretty fucking bored, 'cuz hey, this is Linwood and that's about all there is to be, so i decided to go crabbing. Since you're a Midwestern cat and ya may not be familiar with the phrase, let me put your mind at ease.

This activity has nothing to do with picking up skanky whores in Atlantic City, it's actually going out to catch crustaceans from the bay. We get blue claws around here, if that name holds any meaning for ya, and they're not bad eating. Not a whole lot of meat on those fuckers, but what's there ain't bad. i had a couple of traps with me, and i brought bait, 'cuz as pretty as i am, it's hard to get the little bitches into the traps with just my good looks.

There i am, walking down to the local docks, a big phatty in my mouth, humming this tune i made up, just minding my own business, when goddamn if some motherfucker doesn't almost run me over in this fucked up looking ride. SOB comes within 6 inches of my left knee, which caused me to jump back 10 feet and land ass first in the marshes. i'm not sure if you've ever been in Jersey wetlands, but the shit is nasty. You've got all this pathetic looking tall grass, that no matter what time of year it is always looks the same near death yellow, and some of the dirtiest smelling mud you would never want to fall ass first into. i jump up, ready to go pound some ass, when the friggin mobile careens into an embankment and comes to a dead halt. i'm thinkin it's some drunk asshole who thought it would be cool to get behind the wheel and do a little joyriding. As i get closer to the auto, i realize the thing has no fucking tires and seems to be sitting on a cloud of air. At first i thought i was just high, 'cuz, well, i was. However, that realization did not put steelbelted radials on this jalopy. So now i'm inching up on the thing real slow-like since i don't know any cats with wheelless hoopties. The windows are tinted like motherfuckers, so i tap on the driver side, trying to figure out if anyone was actually in the thing or not. i didn't get any answer at first, so i tried again, this time a little harder. Still nothing. i'm figuring there's either no one in this damn thing or the motherfucker is about dead, so i tried to lift the handle to the door. Goddamn if i didn't get hit by some kind of shock wave that sent me back ten feet to land on my ass in the muck again.

Well, by now, as you can guess, i'm really fucking teed off. i pick up a rock from the ground, and i'm getting ready to smash this cocksmooch's windshield, when the damn door rises off of its hinges and all this smoke filters out of the car. Now i'm not walking so fast. No need to be so hastey, i reasoned. Who knows what the fuck is gonna walk out of the car, i'm thinking. i didn't necessarily want to be the first one with an answer to that question. i dropped the rock immediately, in case it was some big muscle head who could rip me a new asshole. i'm quite happy with the one i have now. It works just fine as is, and the extra space could throw off my entire crapping technique. i call out to see if anyone is dead in there, and i don't get an answer. i do, however, hear some funky breathing. i call again, and this time i see an arm reaching out of the ride. Next thing i know, there are four arms, all attached to the same body, coming out. The body and arms are all inside this helmeted suit, and i realize that i've come in contact with some freaky space mutant and that probably isn't good news.

The thing says something all garbled and i don't know if it's trying to communicate and make peace or just call me an asshole for coming at it with a rock or what. i try to tell it i have no idea what the fuck it's saying when it holds up three of its arms, making like i should shut the fuck up for a second. It uses it's fourth arm to take off its helmet, and, i shit you not, it's a gorgeous friggin, four armed, three titted, green haired hotty from Venus. "Hey Earthman, i'm trying to tell you i'm lost as a bitch and was wondering if you knew where i could score some Earth Smoke." As you can imagine, i was taken aback, to say the least. Luckily, it wasn't that far back. i let her know it's cool, i can handle that request. i ask her for something flat to roll a J on, and she whips out this interplanetary frisbee which worked like a charm. Hit this, i tell her, and by the way, my name is dALY. Cool, she tells me telepathically, 'cuz she doesn't speak English too well, i later found out.

They call me Casitrapionimatzuwitrelishonna Annitonulawnchairattzonk where i'm from. i'll just call ya Cassie Ann if it's all good with you, i told her, and she dug it. Seems she had been trying to score a bag for about a week, but the guy she usually dealt with was hiding from the pigs and had gone underground. That shit happens to me all the time, and i know it's happened to you once or twice, Mistopher, so i was molto sympathetic. i'm like, hey, darlin' it's all good. Let's smoke this shit i got, and then i'll try to hook you up with some more. My man just scored some sweet, sticky shit that's too nice. She gives me a crooked smile, and says, you've never smoked with a Venutian before, have you? i didn't quite follow what she was saying, but i played it off real cool. Sweetheart, i've smoked with more motherfuckers than you could ever care to know. She just keeps smiling, and says, alright, phat cat, give me that bag and let me sprinkle a little Venutian soil on the next bone. i figured, what the fuck, let's get higher than kites, so i passed her the sack.

She takes the weed, breaks it up really fucking well (that's what an extra two arms will do for ya), pours this shimmering shit all over the paper, and starts licking the paper with, i swear to fucking god, an 8 inch tounge. She lights the boy up, takes a huge hit, and shotguns it into my mouth. i'm like, DAMN, girl, go on with your bad self. We smoke the rest of the joint that way and i realize this chick is acting a little frisky. You know me, i wasn't going to dissuade her, but i couldn't help smiling at the fact that this was a whole lot better than just catching some crabs. At least, at this point, i didn't want to have anything to do with any kind of crabs whatsoever. We get to the last toke of the joint, she shotguns the last time, and lets out this moan that got my dick harder than a flagpole. She then proceeds to rip off her spacesuit and starts screaming in some foreign tounge. i couldn't translate word for word, but it was something pretty close to, Give me some Earth Cock NOW! Well, being the friendly type i am, i decided to oblige her. i'd have hated for her to get the wrong idea about earthlings not being sociable.

Well, i consider myself not too shabby in the sack (or spaceship, as the case was), but that night we were both out of control. I won't bore you with details, but sex with a multi-limbed Venutian on space drugs is not a bad way to spend an evening. i didn't know at the time, but earth weed acts like an aphrodisiac on Venutians. That's why she was acting so freaky once we started burning. She had come to Earth to get some shit for some space orgy, but she dug Earth guys who talked shit, so i was right up her alley. Before the night was over, that became true in the literal sense of the phrase, but i digress. So after many hours of interplanetary poking, Cassie Ann tells me she has to split. Well, as i could hardly walk by this point, i said cool, you think you could drop me off first. No problem for her, and she gives me a lift. i got a goodnight psychic soul kiss, an intense experience Venutians like to impart on sex slaves, and she took off. She was gonna give me her number, but my phone bill is already high as a motherfucker, so i just told her to give me a buzz next time she was in this hemisphere. She said cool and was off into the early morning sky. i hooked her with the last eighth or so in my bag 'cuz she didn't have time for me to page my man, and she slipped me some of the soil. i'll get ya some if i haven't done it all by the next time i see ya.

The only thing i didn't get that night, and i'm telling ya the trade off was worth it, was a bunch of crabs.