Thursday, January 14, 2016

Talkin' Heads #27

Alinda, Senior Peacekeep, is dealing with the aftermath of a riot that occured right outside the Peacekeep station.

"All right. Do you lot have a spokesperson who can tell me what happened?”

An older man stood from the table. His left cheek had an ugly smear of purple. “That’ll be me, Inspector. Crom Hesswell, Head Agitator of the Halbrechts for Change and Reform.”

She eyed him, fierce and defiant in his wounded state. “Sire Hesswell, you have my apologies for the attack you suffered, both at the hands of your opponents and from some of our own careless Cadets. It is our duty to protect all peaceful citizens, and today we failed in that duty. We do not intend to let it happen again.”

She prepared her logbook to start recording. “Now, could you please describe the exact circumstances of your attack?”

“Yes, Inspector. We were starting a peaceful demonstration along the riverbank, when a couple of youngish boys started jeering at us. We ignored them, of course, until one of them shoved Silda to the ground.” He nodded toward a stern woman sitting stiff-backed in the chair next to them. “We didn’t retaliate, not physically, but some - uh - harsh words were exchanged, and other attackers joined them.”

“Would you mind repeating those ‘harsh words’?”

Flushing, he answered, “I called the kid the sludge-dredged spawn of a brine fly. Inspector, you have to understand, Silda is my wife, and -”

Alinda held back a smile. “Understood. But perhaps it’s best if you practice greater tact in the future. Now, amid the insults and invectives hurled at you, did you hear any mention of the Venerables?"

“Yes.” Hesswell frowned. “Some of them were accusing us of killing someone. Is one of the Venerables actually dead?”

6 comments:

This dialogue is really well-written, so I don't have anything to critique there, but I feel like there is some room for improvement in Hesswell's dialogue. Alinda's character is presented as someone who is level-headed and thoughtful. It's great that she can diffuse the situation, but Hesswell is also coming across as very reasonable. There's no tension here as a result. If a riot happened, I would imagine he would be much more agitated. His sentences would be shorter and more emotional. Maybe you could try injecting a bit more anger and frustration into what Hesswell says and see if it amps up the energy of the scene.

I agree with Suzanne, the dialogue is very well-written. It is very formal. Do they always speak like this? I love the line “I called the kid the sludge-dredged spawn of a brine fly." I really don't have any criticisms, except for maybe shortening a couple of the lines.

"All right. Do you lot have a spokesperson who can tell me what happened?”--to--"All right. Is there a spokesperson who can tell me what happened?"

I think this is a well-written piece of dialogue between two people. It's clear what has happened and who is doing the speaking. I think some of the lines could be shortened, especially when Hesswell describes what has happened. Maybe condense what he says. Overall though, I think it's good dialogue and moves the plot forward.

I guess I'll be a dissenter. Sorry, but I did not find the conversation natural. I can't imagine someone saying 'you have my apologies for the attack you suffered, both at the hands of your opponents and from some of our own careless Cadets'

And 'please describe the exact circumstances of your attack' implies an accusation that Hesswell's group attacked.

I assume the riot was detailed in the preceding pages. If so, you might use more exposition here. If not, you need to say more about it. Either way, the long sentences and formal speaking drain any sense of conflict. Do you want to remove all animosity? I think I'd like it more if Hesswell hesitated more, or was more passive aggressive.

I can follow the dialog easily, and I like it. I don't think Alinda's words should be shortened, since she's being official. The only thing I would suggest is more of description of Silda. What in particular about her face or body language makes her stern?

Overall, good. I agree with some of the above about Hesswell's explanation of the attack. I would expect him to be slightly more agitated, or at least slightly discombobulated after an attack (unless it wasn't recent). Maybe this is just an effusively polite society.

The one real critique I have is that I think you should switch the order of "Alinda held back a smile" and "Understood". You've written Hessler's prior sentence as being cut off, but then you follow it in a way that reads like she's cutting him off with a held-back smile. It'd make more sense if she cut him off with actual words.