Wednesday, February 16, 2011

This is a bit of cheating, as I wrote this on another blog a couple of years ago, but reposting it here.

A story so impossible, if it happened to anyone else, you know they would be lying.

Yesterday afternoon I was asked to run some letters up to the post office by one of my bosses. So, I did as he asked. On my way back, I was about to cross the street, I noticed that I had the right of way, and that April Koonce was at one of the red lights. I waved, and she waved, and said hi. As i was saying hi back, all of the sudden...BOP! A chevrolet avalanche popped me in the hip. From what april said, she had stopped, and then decided to go again. I spun around and shouted "WHAT THE HELL?!" I've seen scared faces before, but never have i ever seen someone w/ the fear of god in their eyes. This woman was scared white. I turned back to April and said, "I JUST GOT HIT BY A FUCKING TRUCK!"
Then walked back to my office. April tailed her, and got her license plate. So if i suddenly feel bad, i've got someone to sue.

Seven years ago. That's how long its been since I was last at Mardi Gras. I wouldn't call it a seven year hangover, but I would definitely say "Mardi Gras kicked my ass." When my friends and I first arrived at our hotel, we hit speed bump number one at check in. The room was booked for approximately 1/2 the people who ended up showing up. Thanks to one Mrs. Mitchell and some cash flashing, everyone got in. In to one hotel room. Which was fine, we weren't there for comfort, we were there for three days of unbridled binging. Which we did. The first thing we did when we got in our room was unpack. Not clothes. Vodka. Bottles and bottles of vodka. The counter looked like a well stocked vodka isle in the ABC store. We all made heavy handed drinks and went out to the parade. Which was awesome. We caught beads, and Lord of the Rings rings. Frodo was the grandmaster of the parade or something. After the parade was over, we went back to the room and made more drinks, and headed out to Bourbon Street.

There was a bar that had wall to wall daiquiris. And there it was. 190 OCTANE! 13 Dollars of instant drunk in a glass. Of how many of these I had...I can not say, as I don't remember. 190 Octanes in case you didn't know has 190 proof alcohol. After drinking two, you're hauling more Pure Grain Alcohol than the Dukes of Hazard ever have. Also, the drink is orange like the General Lee. *Side note...look into creating new 190 daiquiri called "General Lee", it will get you drunk enough to run from the cops, and feel like you can jump a barn.*

There's bits and pieces I remember through out the evening. Like a restaurant. An argument.But one bit really stands out. I got separated from my friends very easily, and bourbon street just kind of puked me out of the French Quarter, like the people who were actually puking on Bourbon Street. In my drunken haze, and no knowing how to use my phone properly, I started calling people on my contacts list. Angela came before April. Angela mind you, still lived in Nashville and was most certainly not on this trip. She was a little weirded out why I shouting at her "WHERE ARE YOU....I'M SO FUCKING LOST" Well, I wasn't that lost. Actually, just a block from the hotel. But having never been to New Orleans, and that we were drunk when we left the hotel, I knew general directions. So I set out on my quest that should have taken 5 minutes tops. But ended up taking about two hours.

Earlier that day, as you may remember, unless you've been drinking 190's...you can re read it later...there was a parade. Well, in my quadrouplevision, I thought the barricades were still blocking being able to cross Canal Street. Which they weren't. So I opted to just walk the parade route back to the hotel. Which took forever. I went down dead streets, alleys, you name it. I finally and miraculously found my way back. I'm kind of surprised I didn't end up in Texas.

I got into the room, undressed, and thought...man, it must be 3 in the morning.

It was 8 at night.

If you don't respect the 190 Octanes....they will obliterate you. Which is why the next day April and I got sloshed on them at the mall.

I really can't wait for this year's Mardi Gras. This hotel should be much easier to find, as its right on the parade route.