Electric Coffee Abacus Calculates The Price of An Orgy

By consumerist.comJune 15, 2006

I’m that guy who likes to flirt with coffee shop girls. I know, I know. Granted, I’m well beloved by the lascivious Eastern European vixens with perky breasts and pixy haircuts at the local coffee shop. Or at least I used to be. At a certain time, I drank practically for free there. But then I got involved with one of those coffee shop girls, things turned messy, and all of a sudden, every one of her colleagues turned against me. Far from basking in their beaming opalescent smiles every time I walked in the door, they now channel the gray Soviet groupthink to suck all the cheeriness from my soul when I come in for a thrice daily cappuccino. “That’ll be three fifty,” they say, shooting Stalinist laser beams of contempt out of their eyes.

Thinking upon this the other day, I wondered exactly how much money the unwise suggestion whispered in the ear of my coffee shop girlfriend that she start feeling out her colleagues for an orgy had cost me. Before, I drank for free. Now, I pay three fifty per cup, three times a day.

So how much money am I losing per annum? According to this calculator, $2,625 every year!

Granted, if I’d managed to maneuver that little coffee shop orgy, it would have easily been worth nearly 2700 dollars to me. But it seems absurd to pay 2700 dollars a year to not have an orgy.