Monthly Archives: March 2014

I’m sitting at work on this cold gloomy day. I had another meltdown today. This whole immigration process is so overwhelming.

I’m stuck between hard place and a rock.

How do I choose what I want to do. I feel so guilty about leaving my job. I feel guilty about leaving my family. I feel guilty always. No matter what someone or something suffers with my choice to leave. How did this get so hard. Three years ago… I had no problem packing my belongings and leaving on a new adventure. The times have changed and I have my own little family.. I feel a huge weight pressing down on my heart. I am separately myself from everything I know. Everyone I know and love. I don’t know why I feel like whatever I do is the wrong choice. I don’t even know what my choice is. I constantly feel like I can do this and then I feel like I can’t.

I guess the main problem is getting over being scared.. being scared of the unknown. I have a lot of positive things to look forward to but all I can do is think about the negative side and what happens if something goes wrong etc. I am giving up a lot here. I have a excellent paying job, a car, a roof over my head. Most importantly.. I have amazing credit.

Once I leave… I leave all of that behind. I will have zero credit. I will have to start back at square one. It’s taking me four years to establish my credit and I don’t want to lose that. I have to trust someone else to care for me. I am so independent that this is a huge challenge. It will be a battle.

The has to be the hardest decision I will ever have to make. I’m going to try and go there and if I don’t like it in a years time.. I’m coming home.

As my honeypot sits half full at the moment. I sit here and wonder when will it be full? How long until my family gets to live in the same country together. Honestly, If I had taken a vow of celibacy I would be on point with it.

When your lover comes to visit after months of being away from one another. You would think that there would be a lot of love making happening. Only in our case… there’s a lot of nothing. I am so used to just being a provider for my child that I have no desire. I’ve gone just under two years without any sex. I feel like I have lost my desire for it all together. Being pregnant and recovery from birth didn’t help either. When do people have time for sex? I sure don’t.. I’m exhausted at the end of the day. Once daddy comes up to visit… it’s like a crash course in baby training. I would want to soak in a tub or do all the things I couldn’t with a child in my arms. Leaving no desire for sex.

Then there’s the whole issue with my lover not understanding that I am touched out. I care for a little human without help during the months he isn’t here. When he gets here, he expects it to be like when we first started dating. Hands all over one another, like a hot steamy love scene. Maybe a little bit of 50 shades of Grey (I wouldn’t be oppose to that). One thing I know is he will never understand, how it feels to be touched out. It’s hard being a single mom and then expected to catered to two people at the same time. When do I get time to myself? When does someone cater to me?

When you’ve been in a relationship for three years and have a baby, things get dry. One parent usually does more of the work then the other. Then resentment begins and it turns into an ugly battle. Both partners are not having their needs met. It’s also hard to turn someone on when they would rather rest. After three years you know how the other partner initiates sexy times. That in itself makes it worse. It’s painful to see someone trying to get some and you are at the receiving end and have no desire for sex. You deny the advance and automatically you are the worst person ever. Then you explain being touched out or that you just aren’t in the mood. It’s the classic fight before bed and ruin the evening scenario. How do you tell someone that you just don’t care to have sex anymore.. at all? Or how do you tell them that you are bored of the regular boring sex? Maybe all the bullshit from the past is still hanging out and making you hold out on having sex? What if you just want to have sex with someone else to feel sexy? To have that adrenaline rush we all love when it’s new and fresh? Maybe having a “weekend pass” would rekindled the relationship for us? Perhaps this is something to ponder.

I’m having a hard day. I feel beaten down and tired. We have fought with immigration for over two years. We were denied our application for a K1 Visa one week before Christmas 2013 by the USA (Fiancé Visa). After two years of waiting for it to be processed. I am at my wits end. I have raised our child on my own since his birth. He is almost 15 months old. He’s father has only been able to spend 4 months of his life with him. It’s ripping us apart as the seams. I’ve cried so many nights and have dropped to my knees in exhaustion. How could we be denied, we did everything they told us. We even have a lawyer and we followed the proper steps. We did everything legitimately. Why us?? Why does my son have to grow up with out his father.. not by choice. Why do I have to parent alone? Why does my fiancé have to miss out on the crucial years of his son’s life?

These are questions I’ve asked myself daily. I’ve stopped my life to wait for something that never came. I didn’t move into my own home and created a nursery. I didn’t buy matching furniture for our son. I waited to buy a car. I didn’t make any plans because I didn’t want it too affect moving. I had over 50 boxes saved to pack all of our things. I downsized my belongings to move so we could take all of my sons belongings. I sacrificed and sacrificed day after day in hopes we would be together as a family. With each passing month.. my heart broke. I’ve never been so hurt in my life. I feel like I’ve failed as a mother, a parent and fiancé. I didn’t get to do the nesting phase for my child.. that in itself rips my heart out. I’ve missed out on all the wonderful things I hear other parents rave about. I instead stressed about where I would live with a newborn since I had secured a place to live. I wasn’t able to work because I was very ill while pregnant. I was on a strict budget. I stressed and stressed when I should have been nothing but excited and full of life during my pregnancy and after birth. I didn’t have any help after my fiancé left two weeks after birth. I now know what single mothers go through and I respect them all so much. It isn’t easy. It hasn’t be easy. I was lucky that I have family who took us in and have helped us on this journey. I would have been lost without my family.

None of this is by choice. It’s in the hands of people that know nothing about us that make whatever decision they want. Was our application denied because this person was having a hard day themselves? You never know. Why did I have to meet an American and not someone from Canada right? We can’t help who we fall In love with. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I have a child from this. I wasn’t suppose to carry a child. This was meant to be. So why are we fighting so hard to be able to be a family in a country that believes we are not worthy of this right?? Why not try the process of moving my fiancé to Canada instead. After 3 years of fighting we know more about the American side of immigration. We will continue to fight to be together as a family because we have the right to raise our son together. In a loving and caring environment as he deserves to have this experience.

This experience isn’t over. It has been the hardest experience of my life on this earth. I have never been so beat up and emotionally exhausted. All I want is to be a family and be in an equal partnership and co-parent daily. I feel as though that our looks have made people cast judgment upon us. We are what some would considered heavily tattooed and pierced. Yes, we look different but we are honest people. We don’t do any drugs what so ever. We barely drink and when we do it’s for special occasions. We have taken a natural approaching to caring for our child and ourselves. We are “boring” as some of our friends would say. We are still in our late 20’s and don’t party or leave our child to go and party. We are responsible people just trying to live our lives in this cruel world.

I just want to be a family.

I just want to wake up next to the love of my life everyday.

I want my fiancé to watch his son grow daily and experience all the precious things our son does.

I want to be happy and not sad that I am forced to wait for this to happen.

I want to stress about normal things, not about never knowing when we will be together.

And most of all, I want to end the arguments that we have over the immigration process. We take our frustrations out on one another when we shouldn’t be. We don’t have many people who understand what we are going through so we have little ability to vent to people that get it.

To anyone who has had problems immigrating… I feel your pain. I hope that you will one day be reunited with your loved ones. To be able to enjoy a life without stress.

I pray that this chapter in my our lives will close soon, so we can begin a new chapter.

What is it about technology that has woman wanting to post half nude photos on social media? Hell, some of them are exposed more then that. The drama.. the drama. These woman complain numerous times about how they can’t find a man. That they can’t hold down a relationship. They can’t find prince charming! Well, maybe if you opted to keep your clothes on you would have something that “some” men want. You would have respect, dignity and love for yourself. I’m not saying that “all” woman who post nudes on social media don’t love themselves. It seems in my experience that they’re so unbelievably insecure with themselves. I have to admit I follow a few on these woman on Instagram. Most days I laugh, but I am generally annoyed by their posts. One of these women posts photo’s in the same poses all the time. In her underwear and trying to be a leg model, so it would appear. Yah, okay I’ve seen your leg tattoo and your black underwear for the 100th time… who fucking cares? The same people like your posts…always. Then you go and comment on your facebook about how you are so upset that this guy split up with you etc. If I was him, I would have too. If you are going to show your body to everyone online.. what’s left for him? There’s nothing exciting to him anymore. How disrespectful to him, you are in a relationship with him. Not with the whole world and then him. I don’t know if this is part of the reason he split with you. I just don’t get why you constantly bitch about not having a man. Your life apparently needs a man in order for you to function. Not only that, you aren’t the only hussy online looking for attention. I know what you are thinking as you read this post. “Why not unfollow said woman from social media if it annoys you.” I’ll tell you why I still follow them because I find it passes the time. It’s like a soap opera unfolding before my very eyes. Part of me also wishes that you might wake up and respect yourself… I hope that day comes soon. I hope your child doesn’t see any of your past posts when she is older. I hope that she doesn’t end up having insecurities too.

It bothers me about how provocative these woman are. It bothers me that these “types” of woman are deemed socially acceptable. That these images are okay to be posted on numerous sites. Your “ass” and “tits” can hang out all day everyday and you will be praised for it. Yet, I cannot breastfeed my child in public without being shunned. How ridiculous!!! You can’t even see my nipple or my breasts for that matter. You would have to put your face right next to my child’s face to see anything.. even then I doubt you would get a good look. However, if I were to post a sexy photo on social media without my child.. I would be praised. Or so it seems I would be. The minute I post a photo of my child nursing, it would be deleted by social media. The wrath that followed would be absurd.

When being in a relationship, at least your significant other can get free porn from social media. It’s so easy now a days to hear people say that they have been friends with said person for a long time and that it shouldn’t bother the other person that they follow a 90% nude person’s profile. “It’s not a big deal”, “There isn’t anything going on between us”, ” I don’t even like their photos” and then the guilt sentence follows “Well, if it bugs you that much.. I guess I will delete every girl on my social media.” Once that is said, then you look like the douchebag. Which doesn’t make sense because not long before this is said. They randomly mention that so and so bothers them and you shouldn’t be friends with them anymore etc. Its a catch 22 and for the love of Pete… I’ve started to hate social media. I loved it too keep in contact with my nearest and dearest. Now I hate seeing all the same crap over and over. What is socially acceptable and what isn’t, has completely changed.

The new generation is starting so young in how they are to portray themselves online. They don’t even know who they are as a person because they are trying to be someone they are not.

It started in 2007, I came across his profile online. I sent him a message and we chatted about nothing in particular. A few years had passed and we kept in touch here and there when we saw one another’s profile. Until 2010, he made a cocky comment online about how you would be lucky enough to get his phone number to text him. I immediately wrote back and said that he would be lucky if he received a text message from me. He then sent me his number and I texted him. I made some snarky remark about how much of a cocky person he is. We never stopped talking after that. We texted one another all day. We soon started to Skype as well. As the time passed with numerous attempts to meet.

I was finally going to visit in the USA that fall, near his location. Another man had requested my presences and I had no idea that he was into me. I went and I had a wonderful weekend with said man. Then Mr. Cocky, came and met me out of his own accord. Then everything blew up in my face. I had two men fighting over me.. I needed to choose. I chose Mr. Cocky. He came to visit me that winter. We started dating that January. Little did I know that I would become pregnant 4 months later. After years of being told from health professionals that I may in fact never have children. It was a shock.. perhaps a good one.

As the time passed, our relationship took a toll. Living in two separate countries was hard enough dating, let alone with a child. Numerous things happened 6 months after I gave birth. He decided he wasn’t ready to commit and be a parent. He broke things off the night before he flew home. Shortly after his arrival home, he had a woman come job shadow. He wanted to work on things with us, yet he decided to keep her job shadowing to himself. This woman had a child no older than our child. She took it upon herself to start writing him love letters and sending him lingerie in the mail. He never responded to her, or so he says. As I write this… I am still seething over this and it’s been five months since. Everyone including himself, said there was nothing going on with them. I even messaged this woman and she told me to trust what he said. F**king homewreckers. Honestly, If you know someone is in a relationship and tells you so. Stay the f**k out of the relationship. I am not saying that it isn’t he’s fault at all. He should have told me about her job shadowing and he should have made it clear to her more than once about our relationship.

But that seems to be the thing about guys, they don’t see how we see other woman. I, myself can tell the difference between a lying piece of trash and an honest woman.

Now the question is, Can I learn to forget and move on? Am I only staying in the relationship cause of our child?