Desperate search finds news nuggets

Thursday

May 15, 2014 at 6:00 AMMay 15, 2014 at 7:21 AM

By Dianne Williamson

I'm on the hunt for a column as my deadline approaches.

It might be fun to mock Donald Sterling, especially after he told CNN, "I don't know why the girl had me say those things," as if V. Stiviano was operating his vocal cords by remote control. But he's such a racist, horny old fool that I lose interest, and besides, Jon Stewart has it right: "I'm starting to think this whole secretly recording Donald Sterling and then leaking it to the media thing is an enormous waste of time. Because clearly, you can put him in front of cameras, where he can see them, with lots of lights, and go, 'So, what's on your mind?' And let the crazy fly."

My emails are a rich source of column fodder, and I read a long one from a woman wishing to expose a local animal abuser. She says numerous agencies have received horrific complaints about him, and I'm thinking that this fine citizen cares deeply about these four-legged creatures, until a police report mentions that the alleged abuser is her estranged husband, and she's the one lodging all the complaints.

A small story in yesterday's T&G recounts the latest meeting of the Holden Board of Selectmen and includes this sentence: "As Mr. Ferguson and Mr. Lavigne were yelling at each other, Mr. O'Brien stepped in and challenged Mr. Ferguson not to interrupt the other selectmen while they are speaking." Ha! Holdenites, if this is an example of your tax dollars at work, where can you file for rebates?

Next, I get sucked into newsroom gossip about the pending sale of the T&G, and we proceed to engage in all sorts of dire, uninformed speculation about our fate at the hands of any number of uncaring national chains that wouldn't recognize a news story if it bit them on the bottom line. And then we say some unprintable things about John Henry, who promised he wouldn't sell us unless he found the right owner, and we're so pessimistic we make Glum in Gulliver's Travels look like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's, because we're journalists and that's how we roll.

I consider writing about The Kiss, that is, Michael Sam kissing his boyfriend after he was drafted by the St. Louis Rams. Some people claimed to be outraged because their poor children will be terribly confused, but Stephen Colbert nailed the real question the kids would be asking: "Daddy, can we stop watching the 7th round of the NFL Draft?" In a related matter, I see this headline on Fox Sports, as if it's the question on everyone's lips: "Is it time for an openly gay male UFC fighter?" After I google UFC to learn what it is (Ultimate Fighting Championship), I read that a fighter named Joseph Benavidez offered this opinion:

"It would be cool to see a gay guy just beat the (expletive) out of somebody," and it's hard to argue.

I dip into my ideas folder and see yet another debunked health study, this time about how red wine isn't good for you after all, and I get angry thinking about the gallons of Merlot I've been slurping every night like a pregnant camel in a determined effort to improve my health. Another health-related study is titled thusly: "11 reasons why you're not losing belly fat," and here is the first reason I am not making up: "You're getting older." The story explains that, "As you get older, your body changes how it gains and loses weight," as though we older Americans were raised in a distant galaxy where common sense did not exist.

My deadline comes and goes. And I never had the chance to wonder how we can find the Santa Maria while being unable to locate a plane that crashed two months ago. Stay tuned for pandering CNN special: "Conspiracy or cover-up? You decide!"