New for me - self loathing

I've had a number of times within the last two months where I literally couldn't HATE my life anymore if I tried. Hate everything about it, except for my kids and dog of course. They're the ONLY things I have going for me. It's everything else I'm having tremendously overwhelming issues with, including a brand new deeply profound sense of self loathing.

It's this obscene extreme of self hatred that makes it exceedingly difficult to see beyond it when it's at its strongest. Have NEVER felt or seen myself this way before!!! Have hated my life before, but never myself. I can see it's part of what makes it exceedingly difficult to function right now, and definitely plays a role in my not wanting to be around anyone else. I continually feel the self loathing now, but it does get significantly worse at times.

Obviously, no amount of meds are going to help keep me from or help me thru such times, either. Meds can't help with perspective, and I'm even less convinced that therapy will help at this point, too. Right now, therapy just makes things worse, much, much worse. This extreme self hatred has become a set of deeply ingrained beliefs already. (Been going on for about 2mon now.)

The other abundantly overwhelming issues at times hit dreadfully hard, and I can say with certainty that when this time does strike is when things become very extreme in my mind. It's not for a lack of trying to think of ways thru all this, either. I've never tried so hard to think of something, anything I could do to improve things, but to this point I've been completely unsuccessful. The lack of success in figuring a way thru stuff in conjunction with the extreme self loathing is what is contributing most to the dangerous extreme's mentally these days. I know this, but can't seem to stop it, either.

When things hit this extreme it becomes irreconcilable and/or unable to be resolved in my mind. Plain and simply, it's TOO much all the way around! The longing becomes so intense I still can't seem to describe it, but totally 'losing it' definitely seems to become a realistic and distinct possibility when I'm at this point.

There is literally a physical pressure behind this, too. I would imagine it's comparable to trying to push a 500lb weight off me. Can you imagine the pressure you'd physically feel even attempting to do that? What would happen under that kind of weight if it can't be pulled off? Can you even imagine what it might feel like to have that kind of weight crushing you? That's how it feels in my mind, and it's strictly related to how I'm feeling and functioning (or lack thereof) mentally at the time. It's a VERY desperate place, and it's been even more extreme as of late. Each time it happens it's like another 100lbs has been added as if I could handle anymore.

Things may seem clearer to some at this point, but for me it becomes even more chaotic. And being a person who has a very strong gift in high level reasoning (tested and proven) and order has always been extremely important (because it's so helpful) maybe that says something. Suffice it to say I find it to be like trying to hang onto an oil covered bar of reason, and obviously being unable to maintain any kind of grip.

How I've managed to get thru these times w/o assistance so far I can only say is a miracle, and I mean that most literally. It's becoming significantly more extreme each time it happens, though, and I kind of wonder if it's because it keeps happening. I don't know, but how long I'll be able to continue to get thru these episodes can't be quantified.

Something in me mentally feels as though it's going to 'give way' at times, and I find myself feeling dangerously close to going to some desolate place in my mind and not being able to find my way back. I actually find it both scary and yet oddly welcoming. Crazy, isn't it?

My resiliency appears to have been tremendously impacted, too. Technically I'm really mortified and terribly concerned at the lack of it I've had the last couple years, and I've noticed it's become even worse with each major thing that's happened. (4 major trauma's in those 2yrs) It never used to be this way but now? I couldn't take anymore right now even if I wanted to. Hence, I'm off the charts sensitive these days.

People have told me they love me and/or care.
Then they've slapped me in the face, punched me in the gut, bashed my knees and stomped on my feet.
Which do you think speaks the loudest?

People have told me I matter and/or have value.
Then they've ripped my heart out leaving it for the wolves to feed on, spit down my throat, and discarded my body in the desert for the vultures to devour.
Which do you think speaks the loudest?

Major Traumas like that unfortuantly change ourpersective on a lot of things... and often not for the better. I have found that after something that alters my thinking, I struggle a ton more to deal with things.

It can feel like we become weaker... it takes time to address trauma and in the mean time it can be a bitch to deal with.

I have flitted between not liking myself very much, to hating myself, to despising myself for many many years now. That, coupled with other issues made me attempt twice earlier this year. Because I failed, I ended up despising myself even more and no meds, no therapy was bringing me out of that spiral of self loathing. But then I found this place. I joined up, I read a lot of posts and suddenly here I was amongst people i could relate to and who could relate to me. I was no longer alone, I was no longer isolated.

Then I thought, well, maybe I have something to offer and I dared to reply to a couple of posts, just calling upon my own experiences. My efforts appeared to be well recieved so that encouraged me to reply to a few more. That became a rolling stone and before long I was just reaching out to as many members as I could.

My point is, in doing so, in trying to support others in the same boat as myself, my own problems diminished a little. I am able to focus on others. That has also made me feel a little bit better about myself. I am not just sharing posts now about my own troubles and emotions/moods/thoughts/depression/anxiety/stress, I am actively doing my best to help others, like you, through the difficulties they are facing and dealing with on a daily basis. The feedback so far has mostly been positive. That helps my depleted self esteem a little as well. That then has a knock on effect and helps lift my mood slightly and I am just so grateful for that.

So SF has really helped me since I joined up in July. I feel I am giving a little bit back now, not just taking all the time. I feel I am not being as selfish and only thinking about my own problems and issues.

I am not in any way suggesting you should do the same. But like me, you might jus stumble upon something that makes you feel a little bit better about yourself as I have, thats my hope anyway. Its just weird that its taken attempted suicide and depression to make me feel a little better about myself after all this time.