His name is Reyes and he is my step-father whom I hated for many years

That’s rejected/unrequited love turned inside out: hate.

It’s why that lil man satan dislikes God’s children. His love was rejected. There is love there but it’s well hidden under a sense of un-recipicated love: Love unreturned. (such a lie!)

I remember giving my step-father a chance or two. Giving him an opportunity in my mind to reciprocate my love and my effort to make peace with him. I never approved of him and told my mom so before her marrying him. She shoved it off as me not wanting ANYONE to replace our bond. THAT wasn’t it at all. He wasn’t the right fit and I lived my life in the shadows of their love. Not participating but being made to follow a foot step I never knew the beat of. We were so different and he wasn’t mentally or emotionally capable of loving as a dad. He too didn’t have a dad who showed him love.

So how can you show what you don’t know? He provided food and roof and that’s it. He still to this day provides that. That’s his love and I finally appreciate it. He finally sees value in me. He sees me as a daughter. I see him as a father. We are where we were supposed to be many moons ago. THAT’S MY MIRACLE! We return love to each other as a family. If it weren’t for Jesus opening the path to my Heavenly Papa, that would of been impossible.

I’m under no delusion that he is perfect. He may say something to upset my heart in the next few minutes but overall he loves me, he hugs me, and I see through these hugs that I’ve been searching for just that: to be loved as a daughter. His hug today released a bondage of my heart and I could see how much his hugs were needed growing up.

I never received a heart filled hug from a man as a child. The first real hug came through men who wanted me sexually. Every hug after that has had a tone of sexuality I have no idea how to shake. I have searched high and low for the answer to this Father problem and that’s where I found Papa Heaven. He’s teaching me how to be a daughter. He’s showing me how HE is my father. I get to see Him in so many new ways and today I found him. I found Him in my daddy’s hug.

I used to call Reyes dad in hopes that one day he’d be just that to me: my dad. Today that prophetic Word has come to fruition. He’s my dad and I’m so proud of it I am literally singing it to the WORLD!

Praise JESUS! A prayer only my heart could admit to was answered!

Thank you for answering the prayers only my heart could sing.

Dear God,

Thank you for answer the prayers of my deepest heart. No matter what comes, I know you know me at the deepest level and ALL my heart’s desires are considered and are answered in your perfect way. Thank you for re-igniting my family’s passion for each other and keeping us in peaceful unity.

I used to accept everything presented to me . I mean I’d seek and whatever came my way I accepted. Especially if it saw me as valuable even if they weren’t.

I used to accept what wasn’t intended for me.

I used to accept what was never meant for me.

I used to accept the unacceptable as mine.

I don’t have to.

I never had to but unGodly beliefs trained my brain to accept it like it was my last meal.

I don’t have to!!

Anymore…

Today God told me not to stop dating. I felt maybe I should pull back. Stop pursuing the family that I have been diligently hoping and praying for.

God said no.

God: “Why would you stop now my lamb? You’ve come so far.”

Me: Are you serious?? I have your permission to date MORE? Aren’t you supposed to stop me! Put me back in your protective glass cage that I have been in for 7 years? You serious!?!?? Don’t be playing with my emotions Lord!

Me some more: Seriously, what has changed?

God: “You can say no now.”

Me: *shocked*

You ever feel caged? Like the Lord doesn’t want what you want. That he doesn’t want to give you your heart’s desire or what YOU think is your greatest good?

Take on God’s perspective before coming to that conclusion and agreeing with it.

I would of accepted the wrong person a THOUSAND times if God didn’t step in and say noooooo FOR me. Jesus stood in the gap for me and REFUSED to let me settle. I even begged and cried for Him to let me settle. I remember it clearly: “Why Lord why can’t I make all the mistakes of others? You let my mom and sister marry three times! They have a family and kids now so why won’t you let me make the same mistakes! At least they have something to show for it. They have fruit from their mistakes. God given fruit that attests to your faithfulness. Why can’t I have that?”

My tear-filled begging didn’t move the Lord. Generational curses were being destroyed with me and generational blessings were being released. Did I know that at the time? NO. Would I have even cared. Nope sure didn’t (lol). I just wanted what I wanted but God knew my truest desires to be cherished and loved. That would of never happened in all the relationships and marriages I would of had if Jesus didn’t stand in the gap and say NO.

I highlighted At least above because I was willing to accept the least of what God had for me to soothe the heart ache I was feeling. God knew I would survive it. He knew MORE than me and I submitted over and over again to what He asked of me.

I’ve said no to several opportunities this 1.5 years that would of given me what I thought I wanted. Surprisingly, I do not want them. I want more of God. I want more Holy Spirit. I want more Jesus manifestations and miracles. Sure, I want my own family but I crave MORE Him than anything I’ve ever wanted this far.

That’s a good place to be ladies and gentlemen.

Jesus trusts me to stand FOR MYSELF and say NO to what is not of Him.

Wow!!! The wobbly baby calf can now stand. *miracle*

Now watch her STRUT! No slaughter house for this filet mignon.

God has a GREATER plan so keep STRUTTing forward….even if it HURTS beyond imagining. Know it’s worth being at the place of complete contentment eventually. There is always a process. Fall into it and let God be who He is: God!!!!

What an eclectic and “stunning” woman I found myself in the presence of one fine day. Fonda Baker is not only one of Damsel in Defense’s (stun guns and pepper sprays) TOP Direct sellers but has “killer style” and a bodacious personality. A two time cancer conquerer and a few bodily organ transformations later she is THRIVING and doing her absolute best to empower and encourage women in self defense. Rather it’s selling or recruiting salesmen, she always tells them they can do anything and she has faith in them and their God given abilities to achieve their personal goals. Each recruit is asked, in the beginning, to write down personal and career goals on the same list. Fonda believes your personal life and your career life are intertwined. Your career funds your personal life. If you put more importance on one it would be most unfair and incorrect. They are intertwined and Fonda’s team operates more like a family owned business: loved, encouraged, and with much grace.

I had the privilege of spending the day with one so charismatic. Who’s famous for sayings like “If you aint happy where you are be somewhere else!”. This, my dear reader, is what I learned:

A heroine addicted mother finds Jesus. She waits 5 years for her drug dealer husband to get out of jail before giving birth to me. Protecting her pride, she spent most of my life telling me I was a product of rape in the back seat of a car when my dad got out.

Rejecting her new love of God, my biological dad did what he did best and left for another woman soon after his release. He always did have a wondering eye. At least that’s what I’ve heard.

I never spent more than a day out of a each year with him before he died at age 52 from diabetic complications. He chose another family to give himself and his money to. My mother went through an emotionally turbulent pregnancy to where she feared she’d lose me. A prophet pulled her out of a crowd of pregnant women and told her she would not lose me and prophized over me in the womb. Soon I’d sit decades younger and alone from my siblings and than it was just my mom and me for a while.

She divorced one more time until she found my step father Reyes Gonzalez who is still with her now 27 years later.

He saw me as competition to my mother’s time, affection, and love. I had to fight to be noticed. I had to fight to be accounted for. I’m still fighting. In every relationship I’ve had, I’ve had to fight for my share. I’ve had to fight for equal importance. I’ve had to fight for love.

The invisible child who shrank away in the back seat listening to Madonna’s greatests hits on her Walkman rages war to never be silenced again, ignored, or neglected. I sat most of my childhood and teenage years shrinking myself internally so I wouldn’t be noticed. If they didn’t notice me they couldn’t hurt me. If I were quiet enough he’d leave me alone. I wouldn’t be his competition anymore. I sat witnessing the only male figure in my life give lavishly to another woman: my mother. I never begrudged her this. I never even thought it affected me much. But inside there is a voice who keeps asking “will you love me now? Why don’t love me? What can I do to make you love me?”.

My mom constantly roared and struggled with Reyes for her cubs but I gave up. I stayed within and I took my food bowl with me.

So the first affection I ever received from a man was sex. Sex is love. That’s the message it sends to someone like me. That HAD to be it right? The first touch of a man that wanted me there. Such an intimate moment how could it not be? I went into relationships (I use that term loosely in many cases) based on the physical and even now as a Christian struggle with purity within relationships because of this definition.

The one thing I craved for I rejected for many years. (Whatever, I don’t need love. )

I didn’t need love because at the end of the day I wouldn’t believe any man was capable of loving me. I rejected it and God’s love because I believed all love from man was forced or guilted out of him. I had never received anything from a male that wasn’t received because he was asked to by another female ( mom,sister, friend). Jesus was the first male love I ever accepted as truth…the only genuine reason I’m still here.

As a true believer and lover of Christ, why did I still go around with this burning hole in my soul? I finally knew God’s love so what gives?

The Answer…

The neglected child within demands affection and will never settle for less than her fair share. But what is her fair share? Is it ever filled? I walk around with what the Holy Spirit has called a: Love Deficit.
Deficit: A shortage, especially the amount by which a sum of money falls short of what is required; a debt.
The Holy Spirit said I have suffered a love shortage my entire life. Every man I’ve known has failed to love me and I go into each relationship trying to fill up a life long debt. But it’s never enough. How could it be? They can only fill what is required now and would never have enough for the major lack I had experienced in my past.

So I asked the Holy Spirit to heal this debt. You’ve paid this debt for me Jesus on the cross so heal me of this debt tonight in my dreams. He sent me a dream of three areas He was healing. I woke up in the middle of the night whimpering and crying and I knew it was done. (Invite me for a smoothie at Alladins and I’ll tell you everything. Caramel macchiatos work too!)

Only one man can heal the neglect and poor form of another man ( or parent) and that is Jesus.He reminds me to focus on the positives of each man that is a staple in my life: Hard worker and provider (Reyes), Heart of Gold (brother), deep intellectual conversations (best friend). If I were to look at the vast negative I’d be absorbed by it. Find the light in those who have hurt you. Focus there, forgive (they owe you nothing) and move on.

Write me a New Love Story O’Lord

Write me a new love song O’Lord. Sing a new lullaby to wing your little one to sleep. The old has gone and in the new there is no more sorrow or pain for the former things have passed (Rev 2:4). Write me my very own love story and let the world hear its song. A new song of Grace, Hope, and new Adventures in Love. Fill up my life’s shortages with your spirit and let my heart be satisfied all of my days with all of your ways. O’Lord write the next chapters of my life now and forevermore.

For the last 7 years which is my entire Christian life, I call Reyes Dad in hopes that one day he is able to fill those shoes. He’s started to call me Mija, a Spanish term of endearment meaning daughter. He’s never done this. I’ve been so very blessed these last few years that now daddy Reyes approves of me. He’s giving me dating advice but I know he may never embrace me fully the way I need him to. He too equates sex as love. He stands guarded from physical touch and it just may not be something he is capable of (at least that’s what my mom says). I found out just a year or so ago that I WAS indeed planned. My dad just didn’t want to have a baby while he was in prison. He wanted to be a dad to me so they waited until he got out. Oddly enough he never did accomplish his heart’s desire. At least it was one.

Above is the only picture I have of my biological father and myself.

The only reason I have it is because my half sister posted it on Facebook

I used to pray for a Godly righteous Christian man to come swoop down and teach me God’s ways and be guided with patient love (how romantic right?)

I used to pray for a man who had it all together so he could help me get it all together.

I used to pray for all this and more…

until God created me into what I was praying for.

I understand now that He did send someone to save me from my circumstances and His name is Jesus Christ. At the time I couldn’t see what He was trying to give me: a truer Freedom. I thought freedom from my circumstances would make me free but it would just free me up for more circumstances.

Some women are blessed in this way. They met the love of their life early. Sure, they may have struggled together to make it and yet grew up to either appreciate each other or tear each other apart. Either way they experienced the word I hold most dear: Family.

Family is the most dearest thing to God’s heart and you and me can be apart of it. Believe in the power of His son Jesus and surrender your life to Him. That’s it. Easy.

Easy?? Ha. ha. ha

Unfortunately, the first thing a new Christian does is try to change who they are themselves. All on their own. They strive and stress and turn their whole focus on NOT SINNING instead of embracing the Forgiver and His forgiveness. So I spent a lot of time failing at NOT sinning and striving so hard to be the perfect Christian (probably so I could snag that perfect Christian man? right…lol)

6 years later, I learn how to embrace the Father’s Love and call Him Daddy. That’s when my life truly changed. When I could finally see who I truly was according to His thoughts, His opinions, and His divine plan. I didn’t need to change me. He loved me just the way I was, I am, and ever would be.

So this man on a white horse that was supposed to come save me from my circumstance? God sure did send Him. His name was indeed Jesus but instead of saving me from my circumstances He taught me how to fight through them with Power, Grace, and Love which are all gifts from the Father. Jesus didn’t save me from my circumstances, instead He saved me from myself and taught me how to stand as a strong woman of God.

THAT my dear readers is true FREEDOM.

I understand most recently why God didn’t answer my prayer for that Godly man 7 years ago. I wouldn’t of been his equal. He would suffer at my ignorance and I would of constantly broken his heart by my weaknesses and poor choices. It wouldn’t of been fair to either of us and it would of failed.

We all know God’s plans never fail so here I am: Single.

That great big SSssssss word.

Some times it does hurt. It hurts to know that one of the greatest desires of your heart is the last to be met. I take that hurt and give it back to God and He reassures me it’s there for a reason. It’s all about timing. He holds nothing back from those He calls His and the wait isn’t some punishment for not being adequate enough.

YOU ARE ENOUGH even more so…GOD IS ENOUGH FOR YOU

The hearts of men are changing. Hardening. Divorce is an ordinary word now. As females, we must not be asleep to this but always sharpening the gifts and talents God has bestowed on us.

God has and is calling His women to stand firm in who they are: mighty warriors.

Now take your positions! It’s either sword in hand or waiting for that phantom man to come save you from your corner.

When God gives you a promise over your life, He starts His work NOW in this moment. He wants us to expect that with our next breath good things are happening. Not only good things but miracles and wonders and that His promise to you and your future has already set root in your soul and one day BURST at the seams.

Soo whatever you speak out with your NEXT BREATHE will be the profession of faith that will come through. Therefore, if the first thing out of your mouth is doubt “no way, that can’t be..not me!” Than it is done. It will not be you.

But if you grab on to it. Hold it tight and grasp with both hands and yank it down from heaven than it is yours. Acceptance is a powerful thing. If you accept untruths like “I’m a failure” or “I’m nothing and no one loves me” than that is exactly what you’ll be. Even worse, that is what you THINK you are and start living life out of that mind set.

So accept TRUTH.

So accept LOVE.

So accept God’s goodness and great plans for you.

Don’t deny them even in the face of a big bad boogie man that stirs up waves of flashy trouble.

CALM yourself and accept that you are special, wanted, and full of friendhips and family that expands the Kingdom of Heaven.

You belong

You matter

You are HIS!!

NOW, today, walk out HIS truth because it’s yours! Don’t let yourself get in the way!

A long time ago, in a land far far away from here (ok sure sure Smithfield) there was a girl who was known as Raquel.

She grew up in the school system, with a mom who was single until she wasn’t. She wasn’t shown affection by ANY male figure in her life. Her best friends were her mom and sister (when they weren’t at each other’s throats that is). She fought hard to be treated justly mostly at home but her guard was always up. Not a day went by that she wasn’t called a name, made fun of, taunted by peers and adults a like (inside and outside of the church’s walls). With no real male affection, she went around thinking it just wasn’t for her. She could do without it because honestly she had to.

Fight or perish.

Stand TALL even when your heart is breaking (we don’t need them, F***love she doesn’t need it). Whatever, she’ll make her own love…

…35 years later

In a land not far from here ( ok ok Smithfield), the same girl known as Raquel has become a distinguished woman of her community. She became very involved in her local churches and local non profits sharing God’s love wherever she went. She had a wild past but her future now seemed so much brighter than it did. She had Jesus in her heart and she loved Him very much.

But she still didn’t know what love was.

She knew and felt God’s love so much she gave it away in truck loads full but she remained unmarried because every relationship she had failed. She tried abstinence and even taught purity classes on the subject of love but no matter what she did she was unsuccessful in this one ..tiny..whittle…area (little yah right).

It wasn’t until she lost a crap ton of weight that she realized she equates LOVE as food.

Food is LOVE.

It wasn’t until she had to forgive infidelity that Raquel realized she equates LOVE as sex.

Sex is LOVE

For Raquel, LOVE is food and sex. If she had those two things she was on cloud 10! If she did not, her love tank would be in the negative. She would feel completely unloved.

God’s LOVE is patient and kind. God’s LOVE is pure and is not self-seeking as physical lust can be. Above all true LOVE never fails. So than why all the failed relationships?

Conclusion

Even though I KNEW God’s truth about sex in relationships I was getting angry about the pure path my dating partner and I had set forth. You see, this partner I had to forgive a former infidelity and walking forward into a new path we agreed to follow what God wanted for us instead of creating our own path. So why was I so angry? I had to go to the source to find out.

Me: God I have no idea what love is. I thought I did but I’m wrong. Please show me.

God: Love is respect and admiration.

Me: oh. *looks up respect and admiration on Google*

I had absolutely no clue but God is a gracious and merciful God. I’m now learning a deeper love that no penis can touch or is involved in. You’ll find no place where God links sex as love. No where will you find that laying with a woman meant love or even marrying her meant love. People married for many reasons and love could of been one of them but it wasn’t necessary as it seems to be in today’s world.

The dating partner I have now is standing firm on God’s truth and each day I respect him more and more for it. He’s not only PROTECTING me from me but he’s PROTECTING my honor and any potential future we have. Even if we end up dating different people, we will know we have done right by each other, cleared the path for a true love, AND have the abundant blessings of our Lord no matter where we go. Why? Because we honored him with our behaviors, actions, and our bodies. For that , God is pleased which pleases and keeps my soul free.

Lastely (I promise)

The first affection we are all given in life is food from our mother’s breasts which can explain some of our human tendencies to equate love and food. For me, the first affection from a male figure was sex. It wasn’t a warm cuddle or tender words before I drifted to sleep after a bed time story. My experience with male affection was just sex and it has taken me so very long to understand why or that I even believed such a thing. I taught honor and worth and purity to teens! How could I have this problem! Oh, but the Holy Sprit knew and has been working the truth out of me here lately.

So MEN!! Search and capture your ladies heart NOT her vagina. Honestly, fake love (physical lust) only lasts the length of your…#boomBOOM!! In many other cases that’s not very long at all indeed!!

They start out all calm and serene looking but they soon turn into ferocious beasts when you don’t give them what they want or if they feel things are out of their control. THey push and pull or even bully their way into having control over you again but I’ve caught on.

So I take a stand. Not an ugly one. No not at all. I just let my No be a No and my Yes be a Yes. I always honor my commitments, unless an emergency arises, but the No part of that sacred scripture has escaped me recently. I hadn’t realized I had been compromising what I wanted so there would be peace. That’s not always a bad thing necessarily but I seemed to have been putting people’s wants in front of God…tis tis tis.

So as the months have gone by since I’ve been back on Facebook, God has systematically removed or shaken like and stirred these controlling and co-defendant relationships.

Some have been reconciled and others will most likely never be. I’m ok with that. Beyond ok really.

The video below is a giant I’ve been wanting to conquer since last summer and God provided a most beautiful way for me to do so. Not only was I reconciled with the pretty little ladies from my former post “Little Tiny Messes” but I got to hang out with some awesome artists and my former boyfriend’s wonderful family. It was truly a blessing, a miraculous reconciliation, and I’m greatful for this opportunity. Thank you!!

At sunset when you can almost see the whole world in the hues of bronzed yellow and red
Isn’t it beautiful?”, He asks me?

Yes, I reply, it’s beautiful, but why are we here?
This is why you love the ocean so much, Raquel. This is where I meet you, Our secret place.”
I began to cry because I knew it was true. He had always been there.

When I went to the ocean it reminded me of something long lost.

I searched every wave for answers. I searched every hue for divine purpose.

I searched every cloud wondering is that You?

Even through my pondering I found a peace there,

a remnant of what I could be experiencing within Christ.

The ironic thing is I’ve never swam a day in my life until recently…

Conclusion

As I ponder these words, I wondered what I really longed for and was it worth longing?

I go around thinking a new car, a job, having a career, being a leader is going to make me something but the reality is that inside I feel like crap and think I’m worthy of nothing (used to anyway).

In reality these things a new car, a job, a career make me just like everyone else. These dreams are too small for God. They are not God shaped or God SIZED.

So now I dream of the ocean. WIDE, GRAND, covering most of the Earth and I ponder why I ever thought a car, a job, a career would ever get me anywhere.

You see the ocean was created out of Pure Imagination. God’s imagination and creativity brought into being one of the most majestic things we have access to.

THAT’s the place our God takes me to. A place of pure imagination because that’s what will give you God shaped dreams and desires. The only place a new car will get you is to the end of a road.