Duke Nukem Forever Amazon Review

This is what I posted on Amazon. I don't normally do game reviews, but I'm fucking tired of the negative press this game is unjustly getting:

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So many people are bashing on this game, and I honestly think they are clueless. This game is what you would expect from Duke Nukem 4 (Duke Nukem "Three"-D, Duke Nukem "Four"-ever, get it?). Let me tackle some of the common criticisms before getting to my own, and then the positives.

The graphics:If your PC isn't ancient, the game actually looks pretty good. It isn't Crysis 2 or anything, but it's basically on par with Bioshock, especially if you use a program to disable the Depth of Field effect and turn on Anisotropic filtering in your video drivers etc. (I'm not sure if forced AA works with this game engine.) I've heard the console version has much worse graphics, but Duke is meant to be played on PC, so I can't really comment on that. Besides, graphics don't make a game, it matters if the game is fun or not, which DNF was a total blast for me.

Long load times:What long load times? This must again be a console issue, because the game loads in about 8 seconds, and the maps load in about 5-10 seconds each. If your computer is really old or fragmented your load times might vary.

Now, as with most people, I was dumbfounded that Duke could only carry 2 weapons. There is NO excuse for that. I don't care what trends Halo set for the world, this is not supposed to be a realistic shooter. Part of the fun of Duke Nukem 3D was running around with an arsenal of explosive weaponry and just destroying everything in sight. This was a really big design mistake. This also applies to the "regenerative health" crap. Half-Life 2 relies on med-kits and lets Gordan Freeman (the character you play) carry a ridiculous amount of weapons, yet still remains a highly acclaimed (and rightfully so) modern first person shooter series. Why couldn't Duke?

The final thing I miss from this game are the secrets. Duke Nukem 3D (and most shooters from that era) where riddled with hidden treasures and secret paths, where as Duke Nukem Forever plays out like a scripted movie (like most modern shooters, unfortunately.)

The lack of iron sights does not bother me at all, because Duke Nukem is not a boring generic war shooter (we all know what game I'm talking about) with M16s. Iron sights are a neat touch of realism for some game franchises, but Duke Nukem is all about over the top machismo, which would include firing a rocket launcher "from the hip." Iron sights are not needed here.

All of this sound likes a negative review, but I simply wanted to point out my biggest gripes with the game. Despite all of its flaws, the game was still a really enjoyable experience, and exactly what I wanted to play all these years. The humor is fitting to the franchise, there is a lot of sexual jokes going on (with full on topless nudity), and a lot of parts that made me genuinely laugh. Although not on Portal 2's level of humor, DNF still got some chuckles out of me despite being de-sensitized to "**** and fart" jokes by media like South Park. You shouldn't come into Duke Nukem Forever expecting the next revolution in FPS games, it is simply a modern retelling of of the golden age of the FPS genre, with a couple modern-day console quirks unfortunately added to the blend.

The action is great, guns blazing and rockets exploding the whole way through. There are a few parts of head bashing frustration, such as an under-water scene later in the game without scuba gear, and the final boss comes to soon (I didn't want the game to end!), and the boss is a bit of a let down... but it didn't ultimately detract from my experience. The ending was anti-climatic (no spoilers here), but no worse than Half-Life 1's bizarre ending that resulted in one of the greatest game series of all time. The puzzles would have been innovative if this game was released 8+ years ago, but have long since been covered by better games like Half-Life 2, and Bioshock, etc. They still fit the scenario just fine though.

The lighting was a bit of an annoyance, especially on the aforementioned water scene, and the "Duke Vision" nightvision goggles do nothing to help (it even made it worse sometimes.) This only happens in a few parts of the game, fortunately.

All in all, Duke is a parody of 80's B-movie action heros, and the game is a lighthearted take on blowing things up and owning a strip club in Vegas. It would take something beyond any game known to date to fill up a 12+ year expectation, but if you come in expecting cheap laughs and explosions, you will be pleased. If you're a true Duke fan, ignore the negative hype and jump in.

(I have not played the multiplayer portion of this game to comment on it.)