February 18, 2016

Annals Of Literary Criticism

Dear Geraldine:

So nice to hear you're not a prude. I understand. You're just someone who doesn't like references to sex or sexual activity or adult language. That's not being a prude! That's just being a...something else... like a chipmunk or something.

You are so right about there being no place for the "f-word" in marketing. Marketing is a virtuous and much admired profession. We should never permit the unsavory habits of art and literature to sully our blessed calling.

You know, I've tried reading some of the so-called "works" of Ernest Hemingway and James Joyce and D. H. Lawrence and Allen
Ginsberg, and Norman Mailer and Erica Jong and Nora Ephron and Philip
Roth and John Updike. What a REAL turnoff.

Why do they have to use that word that I'm not even going to describe as the letter "f" and then the "-word" thing because all that does is make me think of the actual word which makes me REAL REAL sick and all I can picture are disgusting, sweaty body parts all wet and slippery jiggling around. And then I have to take a sponge bath or drink some tea (herbal) or something.

I mean, what's wrong with "doggone it" or "jeepers?" I'd like to know that from some of these so-called "hep cats."

Can I ask a favor? Next time you write a review of a book of mine, please don't say "f -word" because I find it a REAL REAL REAL turnoff. Maybe you can call it "the word that makes everyone throw up who is NOT a prude" or something.

Next I want to thank you for taking the trouble to read 2 pages of my book before you wrote your review. Believe it or not, some people will write a review after reading only 1 1/2 pages. Lazy b-words.

Knowing that there are awesome people like you out there who are NOT prudes and have the integrity to finish 2 pages before posting a review makes writing so much more gratifying.

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Ad Contrarian Says:

"Shakespeare was a storyteller. You're a copywriter.""Good ads appeal to us as consumers. Great ads appeal to us as humans."

"Social Media: Tens of millions of disagreeable people looking to make trouble."

"As an ad medium, the web is a much better yellow pages and a much worse television."

"Sometimes success in the advertising business requires sitting quietly and letting clients proceed with their hysterical delusions."

"Marketers prefer precise answers that are wrong to imprecise answers that are right."

"Brand studies last for months, cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, and generally have less impact on business than cleaning the drapes."

"The idea that the same consumer who was frantically clicking her TV remote to escape from advertising was going to merrily click her mouse to interact with it is going to go down as one of the great advertising delusions of all time."

"Nobody really knows what "creativity" is. Every year thousands of people take a pilgrimage to find out. This involves flying to Cannes, snorting cocaine, and having sex with smokers."

"Marketers habitually overestimate the attraction of new things and underestimate the power of traditional consumer behavior."

"We don’t get them to try our product by convincing them to love our brand. We get them to love our brand by convincing them to try our product."

"In American business, there is nothing stupider than the previous generation of management."

"If the message is right, who cares what screen people see it on? If the message is wrong, what difference does it make?"

"The only form of product information on the planet less trustworthy than advertising is the shrill ravings of web maniacs."

"There's no bigger sucker than a gullible marketer convinced he's missing a trend."

"All ad campaigns are branding campaigns. Whether you intend it to be a branding campaign is irrelevant. It will create an impression of your brand regardless of your intent."

"Nobody ever got famous predicting that things would stay pretty much the same."