Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Sad Case Of American Mass-Market Beers

It's come to me, like a flash of light in a dark room, that American mass-market beers like Miller and Budweiser have finally admitted that their goal in life is to make cheap, shitty beer with the sole objective of delivering nasty taste and a moderate alcohol content to broke-dick alcoholics worldwide. It's despicable, and at least Natural Light has the good sense to not act as if they don't know it's shitty beer...they're right there, out front, saying, "Hey, we know you're broke and really need to get drunk...try some Natty Light! We'll get you all kinds of plowed!"

I think it's time all the American beer companies take a step back and revisit the sage words of my personal hero, the one, the only, Billy Dee Williams. He is the king of big pimpin', and the proof is that only a pure, unadultered pimp can get away with speaking the words, "Colt 45, it works every time" on TV, all the while holding a forty in one hand and a babe in the other. It's almost like you can read his thoughts: "That's right. The shortest line between me and this vagina right here is Colt 45."

That's what cheap beer is all about, isn't it? Getting drunk and potentially catching a date rape charge? Well, Budweiser and Miller have finally come out and admitted it to those of us keen enough to see the forest for the trees. Well, that's what their marketing says to me, and I'm clearly not the brightest bulb in the drawer.

How, you ask, did I finally come to this realization? It's simple, really. You don't see Guinness, Samuel Adams, or other real beers that aren't nasty and horrible in every conceivable way going out and putting exit velocity enhancing vortex funnels on their bottles do you? Well, Miller has finally admitted, by their new bottle design, that the only way to truly enjoy thier product is to not taste it. They want you to pound as many of them as possible in the shortest amount of time, and since flavor is expensive, they added the patented "Vortex Bottle" to their product, which it tantamount to saying, "That's right. We cater to the alcoholics. We know you don't care what it tastes like, and we know our beer tastes a bit like a cross between one of Butterbean's old Chuck Taylors and the sweat from Sally Struthers' ass crack. Let's just cut to the chase and make a bottle that launches the beer down your gullet faster than ever, so you can get drunk, party, and kill a mother of three on the way home."

Why else would you put a fucking funnel on a bottle? If it was delicious, don't you think you'd want people to drink it slowly, enjoy the palate, and smell the wonderful brew? No, our friends at Miller are freely admitting (in a roundabout way) that their product is pure shite, and that their sole objective is to intoxicate people as quickly as possible. Way to go, Miller!

Let's talk about Budweiser for a minute, because the self-proclaimed "King of Beers" isn't off the hook with their marketing either. I was looking through a magazine and I saw the telltale sign of a shitty marketing guy: an amorphous catchphrase. Emblazoned on the side of the can in the picture was the phrase, "Superior Drinkability." What the fuck is that about? I mean, you don't tell people that your very beautiful wife has "Superior Fuckability" do you? No, you'd call her amazingly beautiful. You don't go to the butcher for some center-cut filet mignon, asking him for the piece with "Superior Eatability" do you? No, you ask for a wonderful, tender piece of meat. I mean, what the hell does that mean, anyhow? Superior to what? Are they saying its drinkability is superior to the fluid at the bottom of a Porta-Potty? Embalming Fluid? Bile? They don't really specify what it's superior to, and after having some, I'd say that it may be false advertising, because I cannot imagine very many fluids that have less drinkability than cheap American beer.

My thought is that the reason they say that Bud Light has "Superior Drinkability" is that they know they're bottom feeders who make absolutely terrible beer, and that their only saving grace is that it's barely more drinkable than Miller Light, which requires the afore-mentioned funnel to be able to tolerate it. I find it to be the height of stupidity to hire a marketing guy who thinks that labeling a beer can with "Superior Drinkability" is somehow going to attract new customers. Give me a break. These cockweasels are absolutely in the business of creating young alcoholics and they, Miller, and Natural Light are all in the same market: broke high school students, broke college students, and trailer-home alcoholics.

Just admit it, already. Just say, right on the label, "Cheap and Barely Palatable, But Effective". Be real, cheap beer guys. No fucking way on earth does Guinness have to state that it has "Superior Drinkability", because everyone knows it's smooth and creamy to the last. No way does Sam Adams have to put a funnel on their bottle because people want to ENJOY IT.

I guess the good news is that PBR is making a comeback...or so I hear.

@Anonymous: Thanks for sharing your thoughts on PBR, but why does the gorilla's sexual orientation have anything to do with the flavor of its ball sweat? And, as Jimi Hendrix once asked, "Are you experienced?", because I, for one, don't know what ball sweat tastes like, gay ball sweat or otherwise.