Top Twosday: StarCraft Units

StarCraft II’s third and final expansion, the title of which is probably something like “Prophecy of the Gigamind,” has taken the world by storm. How am I supposed to know what it’s called? I’m too busy playing it!

I’m also busy selecting the top two units in the history of the series. I’ve run the numbers, consulted the experts, and hacked the Gibson. Now, I share with you the results of my research.

#1 Dark Templar (Protoss)

Nothing comes from the shadows like a Dark Templar. Zeratul?! I mean forget about it. Their superior stealth and zany brain-powers make Predators look like a bunch of snoozy duds. Dark Templars just grip it and rip it, 24/7. They don’t even have time to slow down and sew up those little capes of theirs. How could they, anyway?! Too hard to see in the shadows! I dare you to talk shit about their scrappy little capes.

No? That’s what I thought.

#2 S.C.V. (Terran)

Yeah, you read that right! These poor fuckers have it rough out there, and they never really get their due. They’re the only units you can really tell are affected by this constant war. They’re exhausted, jumpy, and can occasionally lash out at you for no reason. Plus, they smoke ciggs non-stop, which also means they’re cool. They’d probably have night terrors if we ever let them sleep. They’re like the Amazon warehouse guys of space.

We salute you, the common man.

Disagree? Don’t you dare! Who could possibly deserve this honor more?!