The "I survived/died from cancer" documentary genre was highly influential in the late 1990s and early 2000s. Many actors at the time started smoking specifically in order to secure themselves the ability to make a cancer movie in their later years.

Nowhere was this influence more apparent than in pornography, where cancer porn revived an industry desperate for new specialities to explore.

Oprah's career rose to new heights when the world saw how the boundless possibilities of cancer porn set her heart and soul free. The remaining nipple has been bowdlerised so as not to overexcite younger Uncyclopedia readers.

Cancer porn has an extensive history. Sexually suggestive and explicit medical diagrams are as ancient as artwork in any other context; lovingly detailed X-ray scans date to very shortly after the invention of photography, and among the earliest films are works depicting nudity and explicit amputations.

The alliance of the might of the adult entertainment industry and the cancer treatment industry formed an economic powerhouse that was nigh unstoppable and is regarded as the prime driver of the dot-come-bubble of 19100. The reports on the subject produced by the Kinsey-Mayo Clinic are generally credited with helping the Western world accept the rightness and beauty of the sexualisation of carcinogenesis.

One of the most notable pioneers of cancer porn was actor John Holmes, famed for the impressive mass of his protruding growth. With his role in Deep Throat Nodules, Holmes shot to international fame. Repeatedly. Annie Sprinkle's work in popularising and demystifying the rampaging horn-dog side of cancer, and encouraging women to find and celebrate the pleasures and joys of their tumors, has also been the subject of much attention.

The cancer-porn industry was, of course, famed for consistently being on the forefront of new technologies. One of its most successful initiatives was Peer-to-Peer Metastasis ("the Napster of cancer"), where enthusiastic individuals on the Internet set up carcinogen-sharing networks to share and spread their home-generated toxic samples, produced using cheap new technologies such as microwaves and tobacco. Individuals went about their daily lives wearing personal cancer players, intending to hook up with other sexy cancer enthusiasts, identifying each other by the classic trademark white earbud monitoring electrode pads. Personal cancer players were particularly popular in Europe for urogenital and eye cancers.

The spread of the Internet was described as "cancer porn" in an informational RFC on the subject. Microsoft later described Linux as "intellectual property cancer porn," because they were jealous of the luscious goth chicks that seemed to surround far too many Linux geeks, even given the geeks' appalling fondness for white socks and sandals. As the famed Avenue Q song put it: "Just grab your dick and double-click/ The Internet causes cancer."

Apart from the crass, base, exploitative mass market field of cancer porn, with delicately beautiful Albanian slave girls being tied up in London basements and forced to consume vast quantities of carcinogens before gargling copious irradiated cock on video in the forlorn hope of getting their passports back, the Guardian-reading university-educated upper middle class also produced many much-admired works in the field of cancer erotica. The difference being that the women gargling copious irradiated cock had posher accents (bar the alluring handicaps to their enunciation caused by missing teeth and removed bits of jaw) and the photos were in black and white.

Also vastly popular in the cultural wash of the Internet was cancer slash, featuring Harry Potter in pounding homosexual orgies with Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy and Harry's pet bowel cancer, which he had named "Hematochezia," with popular Mary-Sue characters including the American exchange students Melæna and Polyposis.

The Catholic Church passed an encyclical encouraging the use of cancer in a proper healthy family life, since condoms do not hamper its spread.

Cancer porn's popularity with a jaded one-handed public faded in the late 2000s. Desperate for the next big thing, the porn industry came up with the penultimate subgenre: Jesus cancer porn."Body of Christ." *unzip* *thunk* "Damn."

Hi, ho'! It's off to work we go!

However, the ultimate prize was taken by the porn genre to end all porn genres: Disney Holocaust cancer porn, initially inspired by 1990s porn sites sending the one-fisted surfer to disney.com if they clicked the link confessing they were not over 18. Disney were keen to contribute their noted skills at screwing with kids' minds (but never their bodies. That would be wrong) and, of course, the massive cartoon bazongas on pretty much all Disney chicks.

The films typically featured extremely thin and unwell naked bald Snow White lookalikes queuing for the showers in the Auschwitz porn camp, being herded along by very short, bearded, equally naked and bald guards. God only knows how, but they somehow scored G ratings for these things. Layola is suspected — "Frankly, we were amazed at what the august gentlemen of the MPAA would do for the chance at a Tinkerbell blowjob," said a disgruntled animator.

Disney Holocaust cancer porn declined in popularity by 2010, owing to the typical Disney performer's acting ability not being convincing enough for porn roles. Some forays were made into Hideous Teratogenic Mutated Porn, Fake Foetal Undifferentiated Genitalia Surgery On Adults Porn, Microsoft Fistula Sodomy Porn and WD-40 Lawnmower Icecrusher Porn, but public interest had peaked and was in an inevitable decline.

Fed up with porn, the Western masses took up postmodernism instead. Fuelled by really good tea, they argued about the meaninglessness and subjectivity of modern existence and the relativism of all things, but in a chaste and socially conservative manner. Images containing any sexual content whatsoever were confined to high school health education classes, as part of the conspiracy to make teenagers bored with and suspicious of the idea of free love and lead them to focus only on love at reasonable prices as part of an uncoerced and mutually-agreed economic exchange.

Finally, all the peoples of the world gave up not merely porn, but masturbation and indeed lust, and married heterosexually for life, only even indulging their thoughts in carnal activities for purposes of actual reproduction. And they all held hands — though not too much — and lived happily ever after in pure and spiritual harmony.

Until they all died out from not breeding enough to replace themselves as they fell to cancer. Except the child molesters, who got enough of the kids (too weakened by cancer to get away) knocked up to let the human race race continue. Here's to the kiddy fuckers! They may specialise in raping children with cancer ... but at least they're not furries. Ew, furries.

“I am so going to Hell. And when I get there, they'll dig a new Hell so they can throw me out of the first one.”