Comedian Michael Ian Black has a book out, and to publicize it, he challenged Tucker Max (pictured) to a fight. Max wrote the best selling I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, the movie adaptation of which is currently in production in Louisiana. Black doesn’t sound serious, but Tucker accepted the challenge anyway. I really hope they fight, because the advice my dad gave me on his deathbed was that saying you’re going to fight and then not actually fighting is what queers do. Black’s challenge:

So Tucker Max, you drunk, misogynistic motherfucker – I am officially calling you OUT! I am going to fist fuck every hole in your boozy little body until you crawl away like the sniveling little bitch that you are. YOU’RE DEAD!

I’m completely serious. I’d LOVE to fight you. I’ll even promise to show up drunk as shit. I’ll drink an unreasonable amount of alcohol before we fight–20 beers, 30 beers, whatever it takes to me plastered. And if you don’t think I’m drunk enough, I’ll keep drinking. As long as I am conscious and able to stand on my feet, I’ll fight you. And here’s the kicker: If you beat me, I’ll give you the next royalty check from my book. It should be about 150k, give or take agent fees and other things. I am completely serious.

So Tucker Max has officially accepted my challenge to a fight. Good. That was the easy part. The hard part? Deciding exactly how I am going to rearrange his face. Will I pluck out an eye and stuff it up his nostril? Will I make him choke down his own tongue until he throws it up and then sit on his head and force him to lap up his own puke like a bad little puppy? Or will I simply knock out his teeth and then use them as Chinese death stars which I will then throw into his black heart? I just do not know. But I do know this: Tucker Max is going down. How do I know this? Because Tucker may have the athleticism, the muscles, the fighting skills, the experience, the guts, and the heart. But I have something he will NEVER have – I’m not sure what that is, but if I think about it long enough I will probably come up with something. I might be better at Scrabble, for example. (I also have one of the original pets.com sock puppets, which I’m sure he doesn’t have, and will never have, but I don’t think that will help me in the fight.)

This isn’t going to happen. Which sucks, because when I write a book, I will definitely fight Tucker Max. Or Michael Ian Black. Or a homeless person. Or a scarecrow stuffed with chickens. I’m completely serious. Really, I just like to punch things.

Join The Discussion

$150K for a shity, shitty book??? Hmmmm…..MEMOIRS: I was born in the house my father built.

07.14.08 at 3:33 pm

Donkey Hodey

I hope they let Sacha Baron Cohen be the referee for their fight. Then, I hope a meteor strikes the ring.

07.14.08 at 3:34 pm

Rotwangchung

It’s a bad idea to piss off someone with three names. Just ask any of several ex-presidents.

07.14.08 at 3:35 pm

Relapsed Drunken Mel Gibson .........Sugar Tits

$150,000 for one royalty check for a shitty little book…….FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!! If only we hadn’t wasted all our creative ability coming up with snide racist comments on lame ass movies on a blog site, that could have been US!!

07.14.08 at 3:35 pm

Michelle07

I’ll bet anything this fight ends in an awkward morning after goodbye kiss.

07.14.08 at 3:36 pm

TengoWood

Put them in Tide Powder containers full of cement facing each other and about two feet apart and give them kali sticks. Then it’s "Hammertime".

07.14.08 at 3:36 pm

Fek'lhr

Whatev, Lince, you always chicken out when He is on the East coast!

07.14.08 at 3:36 pm

Fek'lhr

BTK, I bet TM really boinked that girl.

07.14.08 at 3:37 pm

RoboPanda

Vince was built for fist-fighting. Thumbs like those couldn’t possibly be tucked in.I, on the other hand, was built for $240 worth of pudding. Awwww yeah.

07.14.08 at 3:37 pm

Burnsy

Michael Ian Black confuses me, because The State was legendary and Stella was awesome, but he just seems like such a douchebag.

07.14.08 at 3:38 pm

Relapsed Drunken Mel Gibson .........Sugar Tits

!!?? RoboPanda? Was that a THE STATE reference!?

07.14.08 at 3:38 pm

TengoWood

Richard Milhous Nixon: “As a young boy in Yorba Linda, I never thought of becoming President of the United States or even entering politics, my goal was to become a railroad engineer. Sometimes at night, I was awakened by the sound of a train whistle and I would dream of the faraway places I wanted to visit someday.""My father built this house himself. My father wasn’t trained as an architect but he taught himself to become a highly skilled mason and carpenter. He was particularly proud of the living room fireplace, and apparently others admired it as well because I am told that in addition to ours, he built the fireplaces of several of the neighboring houses." “The living room was the center of our life in this house. Before the days of television and radio, reading and conversation were our major indoor recreation. My first taste of politics came at the dinner table, which was in a corner of the living room. At dinner my father would engage us boys in lively conversations about the events of the day. I owe my early interests in debating to those dinners. Even though I was young, my father believed that no one was too young to have an opinion and to learn how to express himself."

07.14.08 at 3:39 pm

chodin

I’d let Tucker Max fight my dick for $150K.

07.14.08 at 3:39 pm

Rotwangchung

The only thing I fight is my sense of decency. Let me tell you something: decency is a complete pussy.

07.14.08 at 3:40 pm

Donkey Hodey

If Michael Ian Black walks out to the ring to any song other than Will Smiff’s "Men in Black" I will absolutely not watch this.Ok, I’ll still watch it, but I’ll be pretty pissed.

07.14.08 at 3:41 pm

Stone Soup

I thought this already went down in Texarkana.

07.14.08 at 3:43 pm

Fek'lhr

That girl looks like every girl that ever turned me down in college. Well, at least from the hair, up.

07.14.08 at 3:43 pm

Lord Humungous

I hate people with two first names.Hate them in the FACE!!!

07.14.08 at 3:43 pm

Donkey Hodey

If Tucker Max walks out to the ring to any song other than "Goodbye Horses" I will absolutely not watch this.Ok, I’ll still watch it, but I’ll be pretty pissed.

07.14.08 at 3:44 pm

chodin

If Black really wants to win this thing, once Tucker is piss drunk, he should start reading Max’s own book at him until he throws up from pure shittyness.Â

07.14.08 at 3:44 pm

Fek'lhr

I meant to say harelip.

07.14.08 at 3:45 pm

Pauly Dangerously

If this isn’t to the death, I can give a fuck less.

07.14.08 at 3:45 pm

Michelle07

I was at a bar with some friends when the State was still on and saw Michael and two of the other guys sitting a few tables away. After finishing off my own pitcher I went over to say hi and how much I loved them. Then I proceded to walk back to my table falling over a chair and down a couple stairs. Ta fuckin da.

07.14.08 at 3:46 pm

JHC

How much damage can either of these bitches do to each other from a pillow biting fight?

07.14.08 at 3:47 pm

chodin

It’s because of books like this that I’ve started copywriting my comments.-Copywritten by Chodin on the 14th of July, 2008. All rights reserved. If you copy this without my consent, I’m going to get really mad and probably ultimately not be able to do anything legally.

07.14.08 at 3:48 pm

Donkey Hodey

It’s because of books like this that I’ve started copywriting my comments.

07.14.08 at 3:48 pm

TengoWood

Michelle, grace under pressue.

07.14.08 at 3:48 pm

TengoWood

Yes, I left off the ®.

07.14.08 at 3:50 pm

Stone Soup

Just imagine, Lance – stick to this blogging thing long enough and you, too can someday look forward to being challenged to a fake fight by a D-List celebrity.

07.14.08 at 3:51 pm

chodin

You’re fucking dead to me Donk. I’m going to sue the gay out of you.

07.14.08 at 3:52 pm

B.K.

How much damage can either of these bitches do to each other from a pillow biting fight?I think it’s safe to say that Tucker would not be allowed in the PFC. We already have our quota of pussy.

07.14.08 at 3:54 pm

Michelle07

PFC™

07.14.08 at 3:54 pm

Donkey Hodey

You’re fucking dead to me Donk. I’m going to sue the gay out of you.You remembered what happened to Nick Nolte in Ang Lee’s Hulk when he tried to take all of Bruce Banner’s "angry" ?All I’m saying is you’d better be prepared for all of it.

Wait, why do I have to trademark all this bullshit? I’m a Mexican, I fucking steal everything.

07.14.08 at 3:59 pm

Stone Soup

Am I the only one who thinks of Michael Ian Black as the poor man’s Will Arnett?

07.14.08 at 3:59 pm

chodin

Speaking of which Pauly, where the fuck is the left, rear hubcap to my car?

07.14.08 at 3:59 pm

TengoWood

PD, Do not perpetuate the stereotype. That is all.

07.14.08 at 4:00 pm

chodin

Tyler Perry should trademark African American.

07.14.08 at 4:03 pm

Pauly Dangerously

Speaking of which Pauly, where the fuck is the left, rear hubcap to my car?Sorry Chod, I needed a belt buckle. Want it back?

07.14.08 at 4:03 pm

Stone Soup

Tengo – don’t get upset. He works very hard when he steals.

07.14.08 at 4:03 pm

RoboPanda

Tyler Perry should trademark African American.That didn’t work out so well when Damon Waynes tried it.

07.14.08 at 4:04 pm

Michelle07

Awww Pauly, sounds like you stole someone’s heart.

07.14.08 at 4:04 pm

Donkey Hodey

Tucker Max challenged to a bro down.I hope that in the middle of the fight, Jeremy Piven, Adrian Grenier, and Kevin Federline rush the stage and joing the fight. Then it would turn into a bro haha.

07.14.08 at 4:04 pm

TengoWood

I’m not upset. I know where to go to find my shit.

07.14.08 at 4:05 pm

chodin

Wait a minute Pauly, if you’re wearing it as a belt buckle, then what’s that hanging around your ne- ahhhhhh fuck, my front, right hubcap! SOOONNNNAAVVVAFFFFPPHHHAHFGHFOAGHUOBITCH!!!

07.14.08 at 4:06 pm

Donkey Hodey

Joing: (n) joe-ing:1. the same fucking thing as "join", only with a retard typing it.

07.14.08 at 4:06 pm

Pauly Dangerously

Chodin, a mufucka gotta coordinate, na mean?

07.14.08 at 4:07 pm

TengoWood

he’s using the other two as satellite dishes to impress the ladies, chod. your 1986 caddy is running bald, there, bropheus.

07.14.08 at 4:09 pm

TengoWood

extra, comma, for, the, fuck, of, it, brophalactics.

07.14.08 at 4:09 pm

B.K.

I hope they serve beer to my horses in hell.

07.14.08 at 4:10 pm

Donkey Hodey

Hey, since this whole idea is gayer than San Francisco after dark, they should call the fight Brohemian Rhapsody.

07.14.08 at 4:13 pm

Donkey Hodey

Tucker Max is such a Broggadocio.

07.14.08 at 4:13 pm

Fek'lhr

they should call the fight Brohemian Rhapsody.What is so gay about that?

07.14.08 at 4:16 pm

Stone Soup

They plan to wrestle and play grab-ass while herding sheep. The venue is being called Broback Mountain.

07.14.08 at 4:16 pm

Michelle07

well I just hope both these guys are taking their folic acid ’cause you know one of dem is getting pergnant.

07.14.08 at 4:17 pm

B.K.

What should really happen is, it should be a tag-team cage-match sort of fight, and Michael Ian Black should get Ken Marino to help him out, and then at some point they can make out a little bit and talk about thread counts and matching linens. No, wait, that was some of my Reaper fan fiction. Nevermind, nevermind…

07.14.08 at 4:17 pm

Donkey Hodey

What is so gay about that? Aside from ‘rhapsody’ being a terrible name for a fight, it was a jab at Freddie Mercury, Fek.

07.14.08 at 4:18 pm

Pauly Dangerously

I don’t know wether to call this a "Shit Throwing Contest" or a "Shit Packing Contest".

07.14.08 at 4:18 pm

TengoWood

Wow. 4:20 brotards. Gotta go to the gym and spar. You know. That’s when you actually hit people with your fists inside of gloves and they try to do the same… Enjoy the rest of your highbro postings.

07.14.08 at 4:19 pm

Fek'lhr

Aside from ‘rhapsody’ being a terrible name for a fight, it was a jab at Freddie Mercury, Fek.Still doesn’t explain teh ghey, Donk.

07.14.08 at 4:21 pm

TengoWood

Wasn’t the bro the bra for mantitties?

07.14.08 at 4:22 pm

TengoWood

< — Forgot to point out the obvious: That’s what a 9 year old sex machine looks like (me in 1973).

07.14.08 at 4:23 pm

TengoWood

Doesn’t Rhapsody sound like a contraction for rape somebody? OK. I gotta go.

07.14.08 at 4:24 pm

TengoWood

Did the root kits finally kick in? Where is everybody.

07.14.08 at 4:24 pm

Lord Humungous

That chick in the banner pic looks like she’s holding a giant spliff.I love pot.

She looks like the guy on the cover of the book The Man Who Loved Clowns, sans the cowboy hat.

07.14.08 at 4:33 pm

Lord Humungous

I love cotton candy as well. And by cotton candy I mean drugs. Illegal drugs.

07.14.08 at 4:34 pm

Lord Humungous

I would just like to ammend my post by saying that I just say no to drugs.But I just say yes to crazy hot sex. With girls!!!Real live girls!!!

07.14.08 at 4:35 pm

Fek'lhr

So Lance is going to leave us with a banner pic that has a person that likes to fuck retards, and Tucker Max standing next to her?

07.14.08 at 4:38 pm

Lord Humungous

Do you ever get bored at work and sit there at your desk, staring at this site, pressing F5, waiting for someone to inspire you to post something funny, but no one posts, so you post something that is actually pretty stipud when you think about it in retrospect, but there is no delete function on this site so you just have to kind of do some damage control by over-explaining the fact that you acknowledge your lack of humor in your previous posts and then as you are explaining it you realize that you are creating yet another stupid post I like birthday cake flavored ice cream run on sentence…

07.14.08 at 4:39 pm

Lord Humungous

stipud = stupid. How fitting.

07.14.08 at 4:39 pm

Donkey Hodey

Mung,No.

07.14.08 at 4:40 pm

Lord Humungous

Oh, okay Donkey. Heh.I mean, psssh, me neither…

07.14.08 at 4:43 pm

Pauly Dangerously

Mung, pass that weed

07.14.08 at 4:44 pm

JHC

puff puff give mutha fuckahs

07.14.08 at 4:44 pm

Lord Humungous

*passes Pauly the weed*

07.14.08 at 4:46 pm

Fek'lhr

Yo, doggy dawg is all about da zig zag smoke!

07.14.08 at 4:47 pm

B.K.

Did someone say birthday cake?

07.14.08 at 4:55 pm

catch me

Is this one of those things where they are going to fight and let me buy cheap beer but they just start kissing? I fucking hate those things.

07.14.08 at 4:56 pm

Donkey Hodey

When Vince finally gets his book out, he can have Knut the Polar Bear and Birthday Dog in his corner (although Randall the Homophobic Turtle is going to be keeping a close eye on what’s going on).I would also expect to see Schadenfreude Sloth there.

Is Beek still around or can we get NPA started with some style today?*unzips pants, starts filling piss boots*

07.14.08 at 5:10 pm

chodin

*Chodin chugs from boot*You know what they say: "You’re only as good as the piss you drink".

07.14.08 at 5:12 pm

B.K.

You know I’m still around. I’m always around. *hands out mooncups*

07.14.08 at 5:12 pm

Pauly Dangerously

Nothing washing down digital coke like piss

07.14.08 at 5:17 pm

Pauly Dangerously

So when can I fight one of these Tucker Max blog commenters?Or is that like a hate-crime being that they ooze the gay?

07.14.08 at 5:18 pm

Pauly Dangerously

I think that girl in the banner pic is Bunny. The one that drops turds as big as footballs.

07.14.08 at 5:18 pm

Lord Humungous

Digital coke is way better than real coke.When I do digital coke I never have the urge to blow someone just to get another bump. What?

07.14.08 at 5:21 pm

B.K.

michelle is your avatar something edible because i want to fuck it. no, wait, that’s not what i meant.

07.14.08 at 5:21 pm

Pauly Dangerously

It’s not so much that I hate Tucker Max. It’s just that I hate fucking douche-bags who think their God’s gift to my cock. So, in turn, I hate Tucker Max.

07.14.08 at 5:23 pm

Pauly Dangerously

If Tucker wrere to fight Corky from Life Goes On fame, then our wet dream of retard MMA will be realized. And Corky would pound him with his retard strengff.

07.14.08 at 5:23 pm

Lord Humungous

Luckily, I have no idea who Tucker Max is.Is he a blogger or something?

07.14.08 at 5:23 pm

chodin

I would digitally fight Tucker Max and the digitally fuck his girlfriend in front of him, digitally.

07.14.08 at 5:24 pm

Pauly Dangerously

Mung, you are truely blessed

07.14.08 at 5:29 pm

Lord Humungous

Pauly – That’s what she said! HIYO!!!!!!!

07.14.08 at 5:30 pm

Pauly Dangerously

I’d fight Tucker Max, but I know that as soon as the bell rings he’s gonna try to suck me off.

07.14.08 at 5:31 pm

Michelle07

Chod, you’d catch some sick fucking virus fo sho.

07.14.08 at 5:33 pm

B.K.

You all think Tucker can’t fight because he’s a homosexual, but I know the truth: He can’t fight because of an inner-ear infection.

07.14.08 at 5:35 pm

Michelle07

Okay, it could be this sweet ass avatar, but is that half-tard girl in the pic eye fucking me or what?!? Chill little lady, there’s pleanty to go around.

07.14.08 at 5:35 pm

chodin

Michelle, that’s why I like you…always watching out for my FATgina.

07.14.08 at 5:35 pm

Fek'lhr

Wait…that girl in the banner pic…IT’S MARLENE!!!

07.14.08 at 5:36 pm

chodin

I’d fight Tucker Max, but I refuse to fight the giant vein on the side of his forehead.

07.14.08 at 5:37 pm

Pauly Dangerously

The only thing Tucker looks like he fights is his herpe flare ups.

07.14.08 at 5:40 pm

chodin

I bet Tucker Max loves EW.com.

07.14.08 at 5:44 pm

Fek'lhr

The gayest weakling in Iowa could beat Tucker Max in a fight. I He could also beat Tucker Max at Magic: The Gathering.

07.14.08 at 5:44 pm

Michelle07

She sure is a nice one Chod.

07.14.08 at 5:48 pm

Madmartigan

You should never name your son Tucker, because the kids at school might called him Cocksucking Assface.

07.14.08 at 5:52 pm

Lord Humungous

Madmartigan – Who hurt you as a child?

07.14.08 at 5:55 pm

B.K.

Madmartigan, is your avatar made of yarn, because I would fuck it. If this were still 1986.

07.14.08 at 6:06 pm

Madmartigan

Humungus… as a child I was seriously scarred by the film "Tucker: The Man and His Dream."

07.14.08 at 6:08 pm

Madmartigan

BK… if by asking if my avatar is made of "yarn" you mean to ask if he is made of stories… legends and tall tales… then the answer is no.He’s made of sweat and lawnmower clippings.

07.14.08 at 6:17 pm

B.K.

BTK Michelle’s avatar is apparently made of yarn. As in knit. (But I’d still fuck it.)

07.14.08 at 6:41 pm

Donkey Hodey

I’d like to see Michael Ian Black fight The Bunny from Tucker’s message board. Not that I think it would be a good fight, just that I know that either way, a dumb cunt was getting her ass kicked.

07.14.08 at 6:45 pm

Fek'lhr

I am off to play LOTR online. I only have 6 days left on my free trial!

07.14.08 at 6:49 pm

Vince

New post. Though you might not be able to see it yet until you click here:[filmdrunk.com]

07.14.08 at 6:49 pm

Fek'lhr

NEW UP!

07.14.08 at 6:49 pm

Nominus

I beat the shit out of a guy named Tucker once. Not because of his dumb name though. It’s because he called me racist. I go to help the dumbass install a DVD drive in his pc, and I refer to the "Cable Select" setting as the "Uncle Tom Jumper Setting", and I’m suddenly racist.

07.15.08 at 2:04 am

John Wayne in a Devo Hat

I have never heard of either of these queers before. Now I have heard of these queers. That’s the internets for you!