When I was a grad student, one of my linguistics professors used to prepare handouts for his semantics/pragmatics students of the mistranslations that he had found. Some of the ones from China were hilarious although there were some road signs here in the USA that surely must have raised some eyebrows. I will see if I have saved one of his handouts.

Was NSFW (or those easily offended) awhile back, so beware. But can be VERY funny.

Also, It's pretty sad that I can recognize Spinal Tap with one still, viewed for only 237 nanoseconds ...

Okay, here is a handout that various English professors gave us. Unknown origin.

Quote

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.! WHY NOT BRING YOUR SPOUSE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

I see nothing but a clever play on words in this one:

" Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES."

I heard something similar. A man asks if he could cross the farmer's field in ten minutes in order to save time getting to his destination because he was running late. The old farmer says, "Yeah, you could get across my field in ten minutes, and if my bull sees you, you could get across in one."

Engineers on a trainThree engineers and three mathematicians are on a train going to a conference. The mathematicians each bought a ticket. The engineers have one between them. As the conductor starts through the train car, the engineers all rush off and jump into the small lavatory.

The conductor knocks on the door of the lavatory and says "Ticket, please." At which point the engineers slide the one ticket through a ventilation slot and the conductor punches it. The mathematicians think this looks like a good trick and decide to try it on the train ride back home.

As the mathematicians board the train they have one ticket between them. The engineers have no ticket! After a while, one of the engineers says, "Here comes the conductor!" So all three mathematicians jump up and run into the lavatory with their one ticket.

One of the engineers goes to the lavatory door and says "Ticket, please."

Engineers must have engineered the first conspiracy to entice Eve to eat that apple.

A Soviet Russian and an American were talking about their countries.The American said: I can walk into the Oval Office, slam my hand on Reagan's desk and say "listen, Mr. President. I don't like the way you are running this country!"The Russian replied: I can do that too.The American was suprised and replied "really?""Yes", the Russian said. I can go to the Kremlin any day, slam my hand at the General Secretary's desk and say "Listen, Mr. Gorbachev, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country!"

A Soviet Russian and an American were talking about their countries.The American said: I can walk into the Oval Office, slam my hand on Reagan's desk and say "listen, Mr. President. I don't like the way you are running this country!"The Russian replied: I can do that too.The American was suprised and replied "really?""Yes", the Russian said. I can go to the Kremlin any day, slam my hand at the General Secretary's desk and say "Listen, Mr. Gorbachev, I don't like the way Reagan is running his country!"

Reagan apperantly told this joke to Gorbachev and the latter actually laughed.

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Note : Many of my posts (especially the ones antedating late 2012) do not reflect charity, tact, or even views I presently hold. Please forgive me for any antagonism I have caused.

Ehh don't know if this is inappropriate or not, but if it is, Peter can edit it out. View at your own risk.

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Once upon a time, Little Mary headed off to Sunday School like a good little girl. Behind her sat a naughty boy named Little Timmy. As the class got settled, the teacher asked a question--"Okay class, who created the Heavens and the Earth?" and just as she had finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin, "God Almighty!!!!" she shouted, jumping up from her desk in pain. "Good job Little Mary!!" responded the teacher. The teacher asked a second question, "Okay class, who did God send into the world to save sinners?" and once again, just as she finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin. "Jesus Christ!!!" she screamed, jolting up in pain. "Very good Little Mary!" responded the teacher, asking her third and final question. "Okay class, what did Eve say to Adam after bearing him his 26th child?" and just as the previous times, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with the needle. Infuriated, she jumped up in pain and shouted "Blast it! If you stick that thing in me one more time, I am going to snap it in half and shove it in your behind!!!"

Ehh don't know if this is inappropriate or not, but if it is, Peter can edit it out. View at your own risk.

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Once upon a time, Little Mary headed off to Sunday School like a good little girl. Behind her sat a naughty boy named Little Timmy. As the class got settled, the teacher asked a question--"Okay class, who created the Heavens and the Earth?" and just as she had finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin, "God Almighty!!!!" she shouted, jumping up from her desk in pain. "Good job Little Mary!!" responded the teacher. The teacher asked a second question, "Okay class, who did God send into the world to save sinners?" and once again, just as she finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin. "Jesus Christ!!!" she screamed, jolting up in pain. "Very good Little Mary!" responded the teacher, asking her third and final question. "Okay class, what did Eve say to Adam after bearing him his 26th child?" and just as the previous times, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with the needle. Infuriated, she jumped up in pain and shouted "Blast it! If you stick that thing in me one more time, I am going to snap it in half and shove it in your behind!!!"

Judge to delinquent youth: "Young man, you've been brought before this court for drinking!"

Youth, enthusiastically: "Great! Let's get started!"

Such is the justice system in Holy Russia

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"Who wants to be consistent? The dullard and the doctrinaire, the tedious people who carry out their principles to the bitter end of action, to the reductio ad absurdum of practice. Not I."-Oscar Wilde, The Decay of Lying

Bishop is visitting a Sunday school. Children had prepared diligently. He comes to the class and asks a riddle: "Children, could you answer, what is that: red-haired, with a fluffy tail, gnawing nuts all the time?".

Everyone is silent, no one raises a hand to answer. He tries to help: "Come on, kids, it jumps on the trees high up!". Everyone is still silent.

Finally, one boy stands up and shyly says: "Master, I suppose that the correct answer is Christ or some saint, but it strongly resembles a squirrel...".

Bishop is visitting a Sunday school. Children had prepared diligently. He comes to the class and asks a riddle: "Children, could you answer, what is that: red-haired, with a fluffy tail, gnawing nuts all the time?".

Everyone is silent, no one raises a hand to answer. He tries to help: "Come on, kids, it jumps on the trees high up!". Everyone is still silent.

Finally, one boy stands up and shyly says: "Master, I suppose that the correct answer is Christ or some saint, but it strongly resembles a squirrel...".

This sounds like a Ge'ez riddle.

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Quote from: Orthonorm

if Christ does and says x. And someone else does and says not x and you are ever in doubt, follow Christ.

A young monk was washing lettuce leaves. Another monk approached him, a wanting to dare him, asked: - Can you repeat what elder said in a sermon this morning? - I do not remember - the young monk replied. - So why were you listening to the sermon if you already do not remember it? - Look, brother: water washes lettuce, but does not stay on its leaves. Salad, however, keeps becoming cleaner.

Bishop is visitting a Sunday school. Children had prepared diligently. He comes to the class and asks a riddle: "Children, could you answer, what is that: red-haired, with a fluffy tail, gnawing nuts all the time?".

Everyone is silent, no one raises a hand to answer. He tries to help: "Come on, kids, it jumps on the trees high up!". Everyone is still silent.

Finally, one boy stands up and shyly says: "Master, I suppose that the correct answer is Christ or some saint, but it strongly resembles a squirrel...".

This sounds like a Ge'ez riddle.

There's a much more protestant version I've heard, but I think I like this wording the best.

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"Some have such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at pleasure, so as to produce the effect of singing."- St. Augustine of Hippo

At the evening service, the deacon goes out to read the Gospel. This is done in the center of the church. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a yiayia who "knows everything" appears net to him. Deacon opened the Gospel and was just about to say the first sentence, as yiayia starts to prompt to him in a stage whisper:- At that time...Deacon in confusion repeats:- At that time...Yiayia:- The Lord went...-Deacon:- The Lord went...Yiayia:- To Nazareth!Deacon looked at the book, and then triumphantly poking his tongue at her, said:- To Capernaum!

Ehh don't know if this is inappropriate or not, but if it is, Peter can edit it out. View at your own risk.

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Once upon a time, Little Mary headed off to Sunday School like a good little girl. Behind her sat a naughty boy named Little Timmy. As the class got settled, the teacher asked a question--"Okay class, who created the Heavens and the Earth?" and just as she had finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin, "God Almighty!!!!" she shouted, jumping up from her desk in pain. "Good job Little Mary!!" responded the teacher. The teacher asked a second question, "Okay class, who did God send into the world to save sinners?" and once again, just as she finished speaking, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with a pin. "Jesus Christ!!!" she screamed, jolting up in pain. "Very good Little Mary!" responded the teacher, asking her third and final question. "Okay class, what did Eve say to Adam after bearing him his 26th child?" and just as the previous times, Little Timmy pricked Little Mary with the needle. Infuriated, she jumped up in pain and shouted "Blast it! If you stick that thing in me one more time, I am going to snap it in half and shove it in your behind!!!"

Russia. Sunday school.During the lesson pupil is asked by the teacher:- What was the fault of Adam and Eve?Fellow students begin to prompt:- Apples! Apples!Pupil:-They ate apples before the Transfiguration!

Long Before Arnold Schwarzenegger was a governor, movie star, or body builder, he was a piano student. He was doing quite well. One day his piano teacher said, "You are doing quite well at the piano. Think someday you will be another Beethoven or Mozart?"

OK a friend told me this and it truly happened very recently, a nurse was talking to a psych patient and she said ' so the lotto is going to be a big win tonight do you think I should buy a ticket, do you think I will win?' patient looks at her with a somber face, and replies ' I don't know, you are asking the wrong person, I am a psychotic not a psychic!'

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To God be the Glory in all things! Amen!

Only pray for me, that God would give me both inward and outward strength, that I may not only speak, but truly will; and that I may not merely be called a Christian, but really be found to be one. St.Ignatius of Antioch.Epistle to the Romans.

OK a friend told me this and it truly happened very recently, a nurse was talking to a psych patient and she said ' so the lotto is going to be a big win tonight do you think I should buy a ticket, do you think I will win?' patient looks at her with a somber face, and replies ' I don't know, you are asking the wrong person, I am a psychotic not a psychic!'

Selam

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"There are two great tragedies: one is to live a life ruled by the passions, and the other is to live a passionless life."Selam, +GMK+

OK a friend told me this and it truly happened very recently, a nurse was talking to a psych patient and she said ' so the lotto is going to be a big win tonight do you think I should buy a ticket, do you think I will win?' patient looks at her with a somber face, and replies ' I don't know, you are asking the wrong person, I am a psychotic not a psychic!'

One day a cub was asking his Dad, "Dad, am I a hundred percent polar bear?" The Dad replied, "Well, of course, son. I am a hundred percent polar bear, your Mom is a hundred percent polar bear, all your grandparents, aunts, and uncles are a hundred percent polar bear." The cub replied, "Oh, O. K."

A young boy filled with his love and exuberance for God was trying to tell a businessman about heaven. The man attempting to have a conversation with an associate started to become aggravated by the pestering young boy.

Finally the man, out of frustration, exclaimed; “Look kid I don’t want to go to heaven.”

The young boy, knowing only one of two options, innocently replied: “O.K. then go to hell”

*If deemed inappropriate please excuse my lack of discretion.

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There are heathens that live with more virtue than I. The devil himself believes Jesus Christ is the Son of God. Neither of these things truly makes me Christian.

A young boy filled with his love and exuberance for God was trying to tell a businessman about heaven. The man attempting to have a conversation with an associate started to become aggravated by the pestering young boy.

Finally the man, out of frustration, exclaimed; “Look kid I don’t want to go to heaven.”

The young boy, knowing only one of two options, innocently replied: “O.K. then go to hell”

*If deemed inappropriate please excuse my lack of discretion.

Good ones both!

Selam

Logged

"There are two great tragedies: one is to live a life ruled by the passions, and the other is to live a passionless life."Selam, +GMK+

A few reasons why I do not wash myself:1. Because I was forced to wash myself as a child.2. Because I was not taught to wash myself as a child.2. Those who wash themselves are hypocrites. They think they are cleaner than others.3. I can not decide which soap is better.4. I once washed myself, but then I got sick.5. I wash myself only on major holidays - Christmas and Easter.6. None of my friends washes himself.7. I'll start to wash myself when I'm old and dirty.8. I do not have time to wash myself.9. In winter the water is too cold and it's too hot in the summer.10. I do not want soap manufacturers to make money from me.11. I have personal relationship with hygiene.12. All soaps are alike. Different brands of soap were invented by impostors in white gowns.13. All the wars in the world were because of soap.14. All varieties of soaps have drawbacks. I wash myself with three soaps at once. For only such a combination is right.

99 Belgians and one Dutchman are on a plane. Suddenly the plane is quickly losing height. The pilot comes and says "We have too much weight on board, we're throwing out the lugage". The lugage is thrown out but still the plane is losing height. The pilot says: "We should get rid of the floor. Everyone grab hold of the ropes on the ceiling". The floor is thrown out, everyone is hanging on to the ropes from the ceiling but still the plane is losing height. The pilot comes again and says: "We need to lose a little more weight. One has to let the rope go and fall to save the rest." The Dutchman says: "Okay, I'll sacrifice myself" and immediately all the Belgians start clapping.

« Last Edit: March 27, 2013, 03:16:43 PM by Cyrillic »

Logged

"Who wants to be consistent? The dullard and the doctrinaire, the tedious people who carry out their principles to the bitter end of action, to the reductio ad absurdum of practice. Not I."-Oscar Wilde, The Decay of Lying

99 Belgians and one Dutchman are on a plane. Suddenly the plane is quickly losing height. The pilot comes and says "We have too much weight on board, we're throwing out the lugage". The lugage is thrown out but still the plane is losing height. The pilot says: "We should get rid of the floor. Everyone grab hold of the ropes on the ceiling". The floor is thrown out, everyone is hanging on to the ropes from the ceiling but still the plane is losing height. The pilot comes again and says: "We need to lose a little more weight. One has to let the rope go and fall to save the rest." The Dutchman says: "Okay, I'll sacrifice myself" and immediately all the Belgians start clapping.

Uhh, a neighbour joke. I love neighbour jokes.

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Do not be cast down over the struggle - the Lord loves a brave warrior. The Lord loves the soul that is valiant.