28 June 2012

Bless her watermelon

Last night, ...friend cooked for me, and one of us is better at cooking than the other. One of us makes poison pies. The other makes delicious chicken things.

And by the way, that was my plate. What am I, a linebacker? I have pretty much half of that to eat for lunch today.

In other news, the dogs are at daycare today: http://dogdaysgreensboro.com/index.php?op=webcamfront

When I was dropping them off, I ran into TinaDoris, whose dog Penny is pals with my dogs, and please note I did not say "BFFs" because that makes me want to kill myself. Did I tell you I heard someone say, "This is my BFFeroni!" the other day? Did I tell you that person has literally become Beeferoni, as I chopped her into little pieces and mailed her to Chef Boyardee?

Chef Boyardee. There's a name. When I (finally) get my name changed, I am so going with June Boyardee. Get me some of that Beeferoni money. What are all the stupid things I have said I was gonna change my name to so far? June Dimebag Wasabi Boyardee. Pretty! Has a feminine ring to it.

What if I got totally delusional and really changed my name to June Gardens? That's when y'all should start to worry.

By the way, I don't really know what a linebacker is. I mean, I know it's football-y. Hi, Hulk.

Last night I talked to Hulk on the phone and we got on the topic of my failed pie from the other day. He said, "I have to make an apple pie each year for our Thanksgiving. Did you put tin foil on the crust?"

"I did, but it still burned," I told him.

"Listen to us, exchanging apple pie tips," said Hulk. "Are we on The Andy Griffith Show? Good talk, Sarah."

"It was, Thelma Lou."

The REASON I dropped the dogs off at daycare is because I have a crapload of statistics textbook work to do, and you don't have to remind ME how I Butterfly McQueen'd it last week, with the procrastinating and half-assedness, and now the thing is due and I'm all hysterical. You don't have to remind ME I do this every time. Why don't you shut up with the reminding?

The point is, I was getting ready to get started, and by "getting ready" I mean checking Facebook, when the phone rang. That place? Where I phone interviewed? Last week? Is sending me a test today, and it's two-and-a-half hours long--it's timed--so there go two and a half hours I would have been spending proofreading statistics textbooks. And by "proofreading statistics textbooks" I mean checking Facebook.

This is why the dogs are at daycare. Please see me, in the robe at probably 3 p.m. yesterday (I'd had a MIGRAINE, okay?) (remind me to tell you how I got the migraine at ...friend's, and he had to drive me home extra super carefully like an old lady so I wouldn't barf in his car) (at the time I thought, oh how sweet, he doesn't want me to feel worse, but in reality he just probably didn't want to deal with me barfing in his car) and please see Edsel bringing his entire arsenal of disgusting toys to me while I was trying to work. pleeze play, mama. pleeze play wif edz. just one throww. one throwww and edz leaf you alones. ...okay just one more throww.

This is why the cats don't have to go to daycare. They mind their own business. And by "their own business" I mean they check Facebook constantly.

Lilee too prettee to sit wif disgusteeng toyz.

Guess who wishes she'd never started Lily font? What a pain in the arse.

I will go now and work on statistics (see you on Facebook!) till it's time for my test. Wish me luck. I could totally screw up the whole thing. What if "foosball" is one of the test words, for example.

I leave you with this, which my father found while he was on his way to the store.

Sadly, it was cash only and dad didn't have $5 on him. So he had to go ahead and get the Satanic watermelons at the store. Maybe if I'd gotten Blessed By Jesus apples, my pie would have turned out. What say you?

Comments

Last night, ...friend cooked for me, and one of us is better at cooking than the other. One of us makes poison pies. The other makes delicious chicken things.

And by the way, that was my plate. What am I, a linebacker? I have pretty much half of that to eat for lunch today.

In other news, the dogs are at daycare today: http://dogdaysgreensboro.com/index.php?op=webcamfront

When I was dropping them off, I ran into TinaDoris, whose dog Penny is pals with my dogs, and please note I did not say "BFFs" because that makes me want to kill myself. Did I tell you I heard someone say, "This is my BFFeroni!" the other day? Did I tell you that person has literally become Beeferoni, as I chopped her into little pieces and mailed her to Chef Boyardee?

Chef Boyardee. There's a name. When I (finally) get my name changed, I am so going with June Boyardee. Get me some of that Beeferoni money. What are all the stupid things I have said I was gonna change my name to so far? June Dimebag Wasabi Boyardee. Pretty! Has a feminine ring to it.

What if I got totally delusional and really changed my name to June Gardens? That's when y'all should start to worry.

By the way, I don't really know what a linebacker is. I mean, I know it's football-y. Hi, Hulk.

Last night I talked to Hulk on the phone and we got on the topic of my failed pie from the other day. He said, "I have to make an apple pie each year for our Thanksgiving. Did you put tin foil on the crust?"

"I did, but it still burned," I told him.

"Listen to us, exchanging apple pie tips," said Hulk. "Are we on The Andy Griffith Show? Good talk, Sarah."

"It was, Thelma Lou."

The REASON I dropped the dogs off at daycare is because I have a crapload of statistics textbook work to do, and you don't have to remind ME how I Butterfly McQueen'd it last week, with the procrastinating and half-assedness, and now the thing is due and I'm all hysterical. You don't have to remind ME I do this every time. Why don't you shut up with the reminding?

The point is, I was getting ready to get started, and by "getting ready" I mean checking Facebook, when the phone rang. That place? Where I phone interviewed? Last week? Is sending me a test today, and it's two-and-a-half hours long--it's timed--so there go two and a half hours I would have been spending proofreading statistics textbooks. And by "proofreading statistics textbooks" I mean checking Facebook.

This is why the dogs are at daycare. Please see me, in the robe at probably 3 p.m. yesterday (I'd had a MIGRAINE, okay?) (remind me to tell you how I got the migraine at ...friend's, and he had to drive me home extra super carefully like an old lady so I wouldn't barf in his car) (at the time I thought, oh how sweet, he doesn't want me to feel worse, but in reality he just probably didn't want to deal with me barfing in his car) and please see Edsel bringing his entire arsenal of disgusting toys to me while I was trying to work. pleeze play, mama. pleeze play wif edz. just one throww. one throwww and edz leaf you alones. ...okay just one more throww.

This is why the cats don't have to go to daycare. They mind their own business. And by "their own business" I mean they check Facebook constantly.

Lilee too prettee to sit wif disgusteeng toyz.

Guess who wishes she'd never started Lily font? What a pain in the arse.

I will go now and work on statistics (see you on Facebook!) till it's time for my test. Wish me luck. I could totally screw up the whole thing. What if "foosball" is one of the test words, for example.

I leave you with this, which my father found while he was on his way to the store.

Sadly, it was cash only and dad didn't have $5 on him. So he had to go ahead and get the Satanic watermelons at the store. Maybe if I'd gotten Blessed By Jesus apples, my pie would have turned out. What say you?