Worried that you might have bad taste in all things entertainment? You've come to the right place.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

The Twilight Experience: Epilogue

It's been over two weeks since the Twilight Experience and I've taken the time to reflect before sharing my final thoughts on the subject with you.

When dealing with a saga of this magnitude, it is important to look at the woman who started it all, Stephenie Meyer (who spells it with an [e] in the middle by the way). Below is a brief description of how she began the Twilight series.

Stephenie Meyer's life changed dramatically on June 2, 2003. The stay-at-home mother of three young sons woke up from a dream featuring seemingly real characters that she could not get out of her head.

"Though I had a million things to do, I stayed in bed, thinking about the dream. Unwillingly, I eventually got up and did the immediate necessities, and then put everything that I possibly could on the back burner and sat down at the computer to write—something I hadn't done in so long that I wondered why I was bothering."

Meyer invented the plot during the day through swim lessons and potty training, and wrote it out late at night when the house was quiet. Three months later she finished her first novel, Twilight. (found at stepheniemeyer.com)

Now that's definitely the lady I want writing the novels that swept a nation...and all of their brain cells along with it.

While the Twilight movies and books provide me with an unending supply of comedy material, they ultimately disturb me for several reasons.

1. There are young girls all over the country...probably the world, that take this series seriously. The whole Bella/Edward relationship is totally f*&%ed up. According to Meyer, young girls should be boring, psycho, needy, clingy, and depressive. Gee Stephenie, I'm sure all of the male bros are totally looking forward to hooking up with those chicks.

2. Even worse than that, there are middle aged women that take Twilight seriously and that is simply horrifying. These movies should be enjoyed by everyone, but for mocking purposes only. I can give tweens a free pass because let's face it...they're all idiots. But some lady in her 40's? Really??? That's just pathetic.

Listen up ladies: If you are over 13 and insist on taking Twilight seriously then you deserve to have your movie experience ruined.

3. The story is super lame and boring. The whole point of vampire literature is that it's sexy. Twilight is not sexy. It's awkward. Stephenie: If you're not going to make it interesting, then at least make it hot.

4. There is no way that vampires sparkle in the sunlight. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. It's not scary at all....AT ALL. It sounds like an idea a toddler would have.

So basically Stephenie Meyer has the same general interests as a 3yr old: finger painting, macaroni art, and shiny things!

I could go on, but quite frankly I'm bored with the whole topic. At the end of the day, no matter how many jokes I make about it, Twilight sucks. Watching (or reading) them is a waste of time, energy, and brain cells. I can't actually prove that last part, but I'm 100% positive that it's true.

The Minx's final word: Stephenie Meyer you are a complete waste of space on this Earth. You are using up our oxygen and we need it!

Tune in again in November for the grueling review of Part I of Breaking Dawn. (Weak Sauce)

Thank you Media Minx, for being a siren of truth in a sea of Twihards.

You're right, we do need that oxygen. Perhaps your next review will be on another member of our species who tried addressing an environmental issue in "The Happening" but wound up wasting time, space, and valuable resources.

Actually maybe that can be a series. The environmental waste of a bad film or book.