The American Mustache Institute Wants the Red Sox to Stop Promoting Their Beards

They sent a faux-cease and desist letter to the team’s general counsel.

The Red Sox players’ beards have become a staple of the post-season that everyone has been on board with. But a mustached group of brethren in St. Louis are calling the team out, asking them to stop promoting their signature look, claiming it infringes on their registered style.

A mock-letter from the American Mustache Institute in Missouri, signed by Jean Velue Doppelganger III, ESQ., acclaimed chief of legal affairs and “dance coordination coordinator” of the organization, was allegedly sent to Red Sox General Counsel Ed Weiss, stating that the team’s “marketing of beardism” violates a federal trademark under the Institute’s ownership.

“We at the American Mustache Institute (AMI) applaud you and the Boston Red Sox for your extraordinary success in this 2013 Major League Baseball Season and wish you the best against the St. Louis Cardinals in what all of America hopes will be a competitive World Series matchup,” the letter says. But sporting beards and mustaches for the purposes of marketing the team crosses the legal boundaries, and steps on the group’s exclusive rights to “beardism” and “mustacheularity,” they say.

AMI describes itself as a group “protecting the rights of, and fighting discrimination against mustached Americans.” While the letter is a joke, the group is very real.

The comical letter says the team should have received written consent from the Institute prior to the start of the post-season, asking them for the OK to use beards as a means of fueling their athletic excellence.

The group says in the letter that to show they are serious about asking the Sox to shave it all off, they have filed for an injunction, asking for an end to the promotion of their facial hair.

The injunction calls for the “cessation of said beardism-infringing activities,” and was filed in the court of Judge McKay Chauvin, Louisville Circuit Court, Division 8, they wrote.

Using a slew of made-up words, and imagined law firm representatives, Doppelganger III continued by saying he was prepared to call for a jury trial to try and convict the Sox of stealing the Institute’s brand:

We are requesting a bench trial and have already filed a motion for summary judgment. Failing these two options, AMI along with the Walt Disney Reckoning Attribution Network and the Rev. Jerry Falwell, is prepared to fully-litigate this matter. This includes, if necessary, a full jury trial; and to this end we have retained counsel — the esteemed white-shoe firm of Dewey, Ahmadinejad & Houssein — in the aforementioned district.

The Institute asked for the Sox’ general counsel to write a letter in return, acknowledging that they would put an end to the “beardism,” but the team is probably too focused on trying to clinch a World Series win at Fenway Park for the first time since 1918.

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