A Beautiful Wait

Walking into the waiting room. Snuggling gently into the IV chair. Laying down to hear the whirrrrr of a machine. Wondering if this time it will be something or nothing at all.

So I breathe and you carry.

In and out. In and hold until the machine says in a bossy tone , Breathe. I tell you quietly that I find it a bit rude. But then it bosses me again so I breathe and hold, breathe and hold. All to take little pictures of a little, broken me.

But then the whirrrrrr stops.

The table moves and I look up to see her face. I try to read it in the way I always do. Yet all I see is exhaustion.

So I walk and you carry.

Into the dressing room where I put on my big girl drawers like a boss and walk out of there like it’s Macy’s. Smiling at the strangers on the way to the parking lot. Fumbling through my purse to find my ticket and my keys.

And then I hear it, your quiet whisper in my ear, It’s okay to not be okay.

But I ignore it, because we’ve been here before, you and I.

A place where I know that between the hospital and home, I won’t be okay. Where tears will fall and the what- ifs will weigh heavily down. Where I will miss my Daddy and his quiet way of fighting my fear. Where the words thy will be done will fill my heart as that song fills the car and I say to you in unrelenting honesty, The wait hurts, Jesus.

But then the garage door opens and the engine stops.

And I walk into a world filled with little hands and loud voices and big feels. A place where I can lose myself in the busy and the tasking of mamahood. Lose myself until the dead of night when I whisper quietly Jesus, I need You to make the wait beautiful.

So I cry out and you hear me, because the very next day…

You bring sun. You bring beautiful. You bring smiles. You bring little faces. You bring loud voices. You bring me the cry of my heart.

I love your journey and how you put into words what i’m feeling. I have diffuse scleroderma which has severely affected my lungs. I am on oxygen and just had some breathing tests done. This time there was no waiting the results were immediate, however I am living ‘the beautiful wait’ as the Doctors figure out my path forward. Is it Palliative care or Hospice care? Has the Lord counted my days and will He share this with me? My anxiety is high, I need you Jesus to hold me tight in this hard. So tight and yet so gently that I can hear the beat of your wounded heart and know yes, you are beside me, always.

Sara your words seemed to be just for me, of course they are for so many. Yesterday I was home recovering from cataract surgery, for most people cataract surgery has immediate benefits, because I have special eyes which means my astigmatism is very high cataract surgery allows me to see better but still with blurriness and distortion. It time it may get better , and with a new prescriptions but for the next 2 months I will wait. I was at that point where Jesus knew it was not okay , but in that moment that very moment as I read your words it became okay.o kay because through the day yesterday and my visit with my eye Dr was a source of blessing . and then I found the beauty in the wait. With my husband, with caring friends, physician, it seems small compared to so many that have it harder then I but you today blessed me in my waiting. Thank you so much