Addressing something I’ve noticed within the funeral community.

by littlemissfuneral

There’s something that I’ve been noticing in the funeral industry that I’d like to address, however, I’m not certain how I’d like to go about it. I’ve been looking at my computer screen for quite some time already, pondering if I should even address it. But I’ve always been honest on my blog and I’ve always used it as an outlet to get my emotions out, so here I am, typing away.

I’ve always loved the funeral community that I’ve found online. I have been able to make some great friends and have valuable resources thanks to the internet and other people similar to me who work in the death care industry and put themselves out there online. I’ve always been proud of fellow funeral professionals who stand up for what they believe in and who put the care of families and the dead above all else. After all, I became a funeral director to help people. I’m still a funeral director because I believe that I’m good at helping people.

But recently, online, I’ve been seeing a divide. I’m certain that this divide has been here for a while, but I’ve just either been ignoring it or ignorant to it. Either way, the other day I noticed a comment on a social media platform that was very obviously directed at me. When I looked into the person who made this comment, I noticed that the hashtag #deathpositive was used in their profile.

I love the death positive movement. It encourages people to speak openly about death, all the while being able to stare our own mortality in the face. Part of this movement involves individuals who want to take back death by taking care of their loved ones directly in death. More family and less funeral directors. A concept that many people in the Western culture still aren’t completely comfortable with. You see, our society has been sweeping death ‘under the rug’ for so long, that we don’t want to see it or think about it. If we don’t get our hands dirty it didn’t happen. And when a death ‘hasn’t happened’ (although, spoiler alert, it actually has happened) that can complicate our grief because we’re not being an active participant in mourning the loss of someone who we love.

The death positive movement is something that we desperately need.

I became a funeral director to help people. And I realize that my viewpoints do not match everyone’s viewpoints. I realize that how I believe things should be done isn’t a universal truth. As a funeral director, I believe that it is my job to be able to supply myself with as much knowledge as I possibly can so I can be a resource for those when they do have to go through a loss. I call myself a traditional funeral director because that is the setting that I currently work in. This does not mean that I believe this is the only way to do things. I wish that my community had more green options when it came to funerals. I love the beauty and simplicity that comes along with a natural burial. My mother on the other hand wants to be cremated and has informed me numerous times if I don’t abide by her wishes she will haunt me. And I’ve seen families cry tears of thanksgiving as they’ve looked down upon their loved one who died such a tragic death, but were able to see them one last time because of the hours that went into embalming and restoring them. But still, by calling myself a traditional funeral director, there are some in the profession who immediately look down upon me or believe that I’m doing funerals the ‘wrong’ way.

All funerals are good funerals, if the care of the family and deceased are the top priority. As funeral directors, we honor the life of those now gone by treating their bodies with respect. We also provide a starting point for the grief process for those who are left with a hole in their heart by these deaths. You see, we cannot sweep death under the rug. We have to look it in its eye, acknowledge that it has occurred and that someone we love will no longer be with us. We have to honor that life the best way we know how and begin to pick up the pieces and reconstruct our life around that loss.

However

As someone involved in the funeral profession, I cannot be involved in what I’ve been seeing with other funeral professionals. I see so much of a divide between traditional funeral directors and new aged funeral directors.

Now do not get me wrong, I have seen many people involved in this career, who frankly, should not be. The minute you put your own gains above the people you are serving is the minute that you should no longer be in this profession. This is a service industry, after all.

And I appreciate those who are so passionate about a certain aspect of funeral service. For instance, Melissa N. Unfred, known as the Modern Mortician, is such a passionate woman who works hard everyday to be able to provide families with green burial options in and around Austin, Texas. She has so much knowledge and sees the beauty and dignity that comes along with a simple burial. Not only does her work help our planet, but she’s able to involve families in the final care of their loved ones, while still being a professional who can handle the details. Add in her therapy dog Kermit (who is amazing, by the way AND Texas’ first certified therapy dog in funeral service) and you know that by working with Melissa you’re going to be in the best hands. I’m thankful that I have gotten the opportunity to meet her and Kermit and I’m proud to be able to call her a colleague and friend.

Not every ‘traditional funeral director’ feels the same about her, though. She sometimes shares information that old school funeral directors do not want her to share and that has not made her very popular around them.

You see, the death positive movement talks and is open about death. This means talking about the industry and putting things out there that have previously been behind closed doors.

My entire career is based on being honest. I have always been very open about what I do as a funeral director. And if I continue to be honest, I can answer questions that people have regarding death and funerals. Embalming is not going to be right for every family, for instance. But if someone asks, I can explain the process and tell them the pros and cons behind it. I can explain why it’s beneficial in certain instances and unnecessary in others. I can continue to be a resource by providing information and letting a family decide what option is best for them. Because when they lose someone they love, my personal opinions on death do not matter. What matters is how they want to honor their loved one, and I should be able to help them accomplish that.

This profession should not be an “us against them” fight.

This profession should be filled with caring people who want to help others. People who are passionate and arm themselves with knowledge and resources to serve families during one of the most difficult times of their lives. We cannot grow and change and be able to provide all different options to families if we are constantly pointing our fingers at others and proclaiming that “they’re doing funerals the wrong way!” We have to be able to work together as a team, lift each other up, and realize that when we are unfamiliar with a certain aspect of this profession, that there are others out there who can be valuable resources if we allow them to be. There is no one way to do a funeral. The minute professionals in this industry realize that, the better they’ll be able to serve families that need them. Because once again, shouldn’t that be the reason behind joining this profession?

I am proud of the work that I do and the platform that I’m blessed with to be able to share it. And I’m going to continue with my journey, no matter where it may lead me, being positive, helping others, and hopefully growing my own personal funeral community by uplifting those who are making a difference.

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I really like that you have addressed this particular topic. However, I think the divide goes much larger than death positive vs. traditional funeral directors. There have been much larger divides in our industry, an example is corporate vs. private funeral homes. Not long ago I was going through my Instagram feed and saw Mod Mortician make a post about Dignity Memorial and how crappy their cemetery tent was and opening/closing fees that were overly priced…. in her own words she wrote, “the Walmart of funeral homes with the pricing of Neman Marcus”….and several other negative “call outs” to other funeral homes and professionals. Those comments really put a bad taste in my mouth, because I had worked for Dignity Memorial for 13 years before buying my own funeral home. During that time with them I managed one of their cemeteries (keep in mind they hired me when private funeral homes wouldn’t because I was young and female. Of course a lot has changed over this time). I know that Dignity offers a 100% service guarantee that if you are unhappy with their services they will fix the issue and/or refund you your money. Why publically shame any company in our industry when our industry has so many pre-conceived notions about who we are and what we do to begin with?

Why does are industry not choose to rally together and focus on the fact that the MAJORITY of people who get into our industry regardless of corporate, private, traditional or death positive- our goal is just to help people with the loss of their loved one and guiding them through a difficult time? That we ALL have a passion for taking care of people?

I’ve seen private funeral home owners refuse to discount services to a family in need, but happily leave at 5pm that day in their Mercedes Escalade or a private natural burial cemetery that charges 2x as much as the corporate cemetery for a 4ft hole bedded in hay…. I’ve seen corporate funeral directors do outstanding work with families and put a lot of work into services and I’ve seen that from private funeral homes directors too. I’ve also worked for some horrible corporate bosses who professed about the “bottom line” way too much… but guess what? They are not in the industry anymore because their “reason” wasn’t in line with taking care of people.

I’ve seen people in the home funeral or death positive movement mock my work as a funeral director because I sell metal caskets… But as a funeral professional, I believe in giving ALL OPTIONS to my families and letting them make the choice of what is right for them without judgment.

That is the great thing about being a funeral director is the diversity of choices out there and the diversity of people we get to serve. I love the fact that my families get to choose what gives them comfort or even better yet the person who prearranges their own services have comfort knowing their final wishes will happen the way they want whether its a shroud or embalming.

There is a place for all us in this industry (whatever facet that maybe), why not hold hands and embrace the journey together?

I think this is the best comment ever. I know the comment that you’re referring to that Melissa made because I saw it myself. I can’t speak on her behalf but I can say that I’ve met her in person and she is so passionate and caring and wants to help people. The thing about the internet is sometimes it’s difficult to show who we are as people because we’re typing out responses verses actually being able to have conversations with others. It’s also so easy to get caught up in emotions and just type a negative response sometimes. I don’t agree with everything that everyone puts out online, but I can control myself and what I say so I always try to be mindful of that.

I agree with the divide between corporations and family run firms as well. It seems like no matter what part of the industry you’re looking at, there is so often an “us against them” mentality. The only way for our profession to grow and thrive is to work together as one unite to promote the services we have to offer. We don’t have to always agree, but we should always be able to respect our fellow humans at the end of the day. I love your closing line; this is a journey that we’re all on! Supporting each other will create a better world and a better profession!

I do have an explanation for the Dignity post. They have five tents and one of them is really messed up. They decided to put up this tent and dirty chairs up for my service because the family initially met with them, but then came to the funeral home where I was because it cost less for the services. The family was still stuck with the high burial charge however at Dignity. When we all arrived we had no support staff, were blatantly ignored and when we all saw the condition of the tent after all the things that the person in that office had said to the family I was working with, that was kind of the last straw. I called the manager first after speaking to a cemetery working that had confirmed there were other tents. The cemetery worker said their boss told them they needed them for something else. So they were told to put up the crappy tent because my family did not spend the extra $6,000.00 to do the services through Dignity. This entire ordeal happened in Houston of all places, home of SCI. My family was pretty broke to begin with and this entire thing added insult to injury. Not to mention within eyesight there was a perfect tent and adequate chairs set up in the same cemetery. So after being ignored by management and even after calling the next week to ask for a reason as to why this was done I was still ignored and I got mad and I posted it online. I thought it was really bad that a family had to go through that because they didn’t have the money to spend with the more expensive firm. I would have liked to think that maybe that was just the only tent they had but after talking to the gentleman that was in the cemetery working we were definitely set up with subpar equipment because of the family’s decision to purchase elsewhere.

I also feel like a lot of “old school” directors are sometimes worried about sharing options about natural burial or even aquamation because they are worried that in someway it will take their job away.

I once was super sad in a business meeting with SCI because the managing director mocked me for wanting to offer natural burial products at my funeral homes. But I also live in Oregon which is incredibly progressive and death positive. I’ve personally never felt that cremation or natural burial take anything from me. I’ve always looked at my job as more than a funeral or handling a disposition. Really, if you think of our line of work and compare it to other industries- we are incredibly archaic. Whether it’s women breaking into the industry and showing larger numbers in mortuary programs OR the concept of grief today (comparing to modern hospice programs). Overall, our industry is a little behind the times. If you think about it- the knowledge of our trade was passed down generation to generation vs. other fields taught in school. With so many non-generational funeral directors entering the industry it’s making waves and applying new concepts.

I think the more natural burial is discussed, traditional funeral homes are educated in a positive way about sharing all options we can really break barriers and get back to the heart of work. This has been an awesome forum of sharing due to your blog and I’m really appreciative of that.

Little Miss Funeral, Thank you so much for this balanced, excellent article. I know Melissa aka The Modern Mortician. I respect her work, passion and drive to let consumers know there’s an alternative to what they’ve always known about funerals and burial. My daughter and I operate a natural burial cemetery near San Antonio Tx called Countryside Memorial Park. We are very much Death Positive. We’re not seeking to change anyone’s mind about embalming or conventional death care, and are careful not to “judge” the conventional death care industry. We understand that people’s choices are based on their family traditions, what they’ve always known. We also understand that their inability to make informed choices is due to the fact that they don’t know of any other choices. Our goal in this Death Positive Movement is to help consumers understand that there is a whole new paradigm of death care. Then they can chose what they desire.

Thank you, Lauren, for this. I’m sorry progressive funeral directors are spreading hate. Even though they have very good intentions, there will always be a divide with the old and new. And both sides contribute to the divide. I work in a more traditional setting now, too, but we have green options. If I opened a funeral home tomorrow it would be only green, but still keep the traditional elements (I really want to try embalming with green chemicals!!!). There is beauty to the tradition and to the new age green burial, but there’s even more beauty if those two sides come together and become a super being. 😉 Keep up with the good luck! Your friend, Brandy W.

Thank you so much for this. You are an amazing writer, and you help everyone understand what they need to know when facing death……whether it be by the death of a loved one or pre-planning our own funerals.
About 12 years ago I started playing the piano and organ, sang requested songs by families, and even played bag pipes at the cemetery. I ended up burned out, though, because I gave so much….. more then I had left to give. So I stopped doing something I loved to do.
Through your blog and YouTube channel, I’ve started playing again for funerals and sometimes even at viewings. Now, I do not ever want praise or to be acknowledged in any way at all; however, it makes me smile to know that I had a part in helping someone else. And now, where I go, my service dog goes. And now I’m being asked to more viewings and funerals then I ever imagined.
The difference this time, is that you have told your personal story of burn out and how to remember to take time for ourselves.
I was even approached about going to a convention with Jake, my dog, and to talk about what he and I do and why we do it. It’s not about a pay check. In fact, I do not ask at all to be paid. Some families can’t afford certain things, and I would never ever ask them for a penny. It’s about helping and serving others.
You are so right though, about many funeral directors almost fearful of change. When in fact, change is what is needed in many cases.
Keep doing what you are doing and inspiring others with the amazing talent you have at writing and speaking.
It is my hope someday to meet you and your dog. And I hope that people know how blessed they are to have you as their funeral director.
Thank you so much again, and I look forward to your next blog and video.
Take care,
Lesley