E R N I E ' S H O U S E O F W H O O P A S S

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Okay, so as most young girls have to eventually do, I had recently had my very first experience at the gyno, routine stuff. About two weeks after the appointment I get a call in the middle of work and I need to go to the doctors today. Nothing major, she tells me. Yeah, like I believe that.

I arrive at the now dreaded office, turns out I have abnormal cells growing on my cervix, a possible precursor to cancer. GREAT. What do I have to do? The doctor schedules me for a biopsy, called a colposcopy.

A colposcopy is a nifty little procedure where they use vinegar and a dye to figure out which parts of the cervix are abnormal. The vinegar is absorbed by the abnormal parts and the dye will adhere to those places. They then snip out a little chunk of that section. Fun stuff, this was like cramps times 100. Plus, after this there's no douching allowed, you just have to stink like vinegar for a day or two. Like freaking Italian dressing!

A couple months pass and I've had two colposcopies. Turns out I have HPV, something I'd never heard of before. I could have gotten it anywhere, from a hand with warts, my one sexual partner, you name it. HPV is a virus that causes warts, the strain I have seems to be quickly trying to turn my womb into a nasty growth.

**Educational alert: HPV is very common an estimated 50-80% of the population has it. It causes all kinds of warts in it's various forms, sexually transmitted it can be harmless or deadly, especially to women. Protect yourself**

Doc tells me I need to schedule a LEEP. They will numb my cervix with several shots, and basically used an electricity charged loop to cut out pre-cancerous parts of my cervix.

The day of the LEEP arrives. I have been prescribed Demerol to help calm my nerves, nonetheless my heartrate was at 130 beats per minute. That's fast. I was SCARED. My mom was there for moral support, although I felt a little weird with me being pantsless and all. Guess she's seen it before though, she is my mom. Nurse puts me in the hugest room they have, probably about 200 square feet. The examining table takes up just a small part of the room. There are also containers to hold my "Specimen", lots of scary looking tools including a small saw and about 45 different speculums, swabs, gauze, etc.

There was a large Kenmore tool chest, I'm talking three feet high, four feet wide and lots of drawers with a machine on top. It's got cords and gadgets and gizmo's and one of them has a small loop about the diameter of a half dollar. This is the part they will use on me to remove and cauterize my cervix.

Once I'm situated, scared and so embarrassed to be in stirrups, the nurse shows me the needle. It's five inches long. There are going to be three shots, although I shouldn't feel anything after the first one. Oh boy, I could have gone without seeing the needle. I'm really scared, my heartrate goes up some, to 140. I fucking hate needles!

Before the injection I have a piece of the machine stuck to my leg, to ground me. I shock from the machine could render me sterile, the nurse tells me. Great, thanks!

Okay, here's the fun part: the shot. I am warned before the shot, told I might feel a little pinch. Well, I've never had a spinal tap, but I think this was somewhat close to that, but in my cervix. It hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. I screamed and nearly broke my mother's hand. The nurse was right about the next few shots, I didn't feel them. I was still reeling from the pain of the first one.

Here's the fun part, the electric removal.Turns out this machine is about as loud as a leafblower, an old leafblower. The doctor thinks it will be helpful if she shows me what she's taking. Now I'm a skinny person, 5'8" a buck two at the time. The doctor removes a piece about the size of a ping-pong ball. Then another, and another, and another. I thought she'd taken my whole reproductive system by this time. Then the very very very fun part happened: the machine shocked me. Now having a numb abdomen I shouldn't feel this. I had a shock bad enough to pass it on to my mother and make her say "Ouch!" The grounding pad left a little burn mark on my leg. The doctor said "oh no, that's not right." Damn right! I'm supposed to be numb here, I felt that shit though. My heartrate it measuring a whopping 175 BPM. That's very high, very fast and pretty dangerous. That was the end of the procedure.

I guess they felt they could stop torturing me, they'd rendered me sterile and possibly shocked me bad enough to give me a "tik". After not moving (except to close my legs) I start to feel a little woozy. Perhaps it was seeing large chunks of my body be put into a lab jar and labeled with my social, maybe it was the shock that I got, or possibly the fact that I tend to pass out whenever I get a shot. Whatever it was: I lost it. Out cold. My heartrate now? 53!

I went for another test that day, to make sure my neurological system isn't damaged because of the shot. Turns out the doctor forgot to put some gel on that grounding pad and therefore I was never grounded. I am to have a fertility test in a couple weeks.

But wait: I haven't even told you the worst part yet! After this procedure I couldn't have sex for a month and a half. Talk about torture, to have your man next to you and not be able to help yourself to the buffet of loving. After all the healing, which took only about a month, we had some awesome sex. That's a different post though.

I know everyone is waiting for the good news: I am okay now. Fertile and I'm closely watched to make sure my cervix never gets to this point again. I see my damn gyno more often than I see my grandmother. Grandma's a bitch though!