11/28/13

It's Thanksgiving, eaters! Time for a ride on a huge Victorian-era turkey and some debunking of the tryptophan myth. Here's the turkey ride part. See?

"And I though these things smelled bad on my insides!"

I paid six friggin' bucks for this stupid card at an antique store, but the picture was so weird, I couldn't let it just sit there. George Lucas probably thinks he invented the image of Luke and Han riding tauntauns around Hoth, but like everything else in the Star Wars movies, he got the idea from a really old holiday card. FYI: the Death Star started out as William Howard Taft.

This puppet will later have his giblets spilled, without gravy. Luke is the stuffing.

Today, you'll probably hear a few relatives joke about being sleepy after gorging themselves on turkey. Too bad people don't gorge themselves on science with as much gusto. Science, up, you! Yes, turkey has tryptophan, but not as much as chicken, and no more than milk, yogurt, fish, tomatoes, or a hundred other things you eat pretty much every day. The real answer is disappointingly simple. You get sleepy because you overeat. This is not a judgement. I plan to make a pig of myself later on today. It's thanksgiving. It's fine. Here are some links heroically trying to shout down the misconception that turkey makes you sleepy:

11/27/13

Joke #2 - "Alien replicants? Ha ha! Don't be silly. I was about to ask you the same thi-. Wait........ Xabdor?"

Joke #3 - Allen and Peggy sat quietly as Doreen began to read them all a bedtime story from the Sears catalog. They could tell from where she opened it that tonight's story would be about garden stuff.

Joke #4 - "Ladies and gentlemen, my wife will now do that sexy trick where she crosses and uncrosses her legs. Those of you in the first two rows may want to look under your seats and put on your rain ponchos now."

Joke #5 - To make your trip as comfortable and cozy as possible, the staterooms on all Amtrak trains are upholstered with soft, warm, nearly hairless human flesh.

11/26/13

Shaving news now, from 1937, brought to you by a terrifying, razor sharp mascot who looks like he's more than ready to open an artery for you!

"Ouch! The wind has made my skin so blamed tender, I can hardly shave!" You've been there, right? Skin is sore and red. All you want is a little relief. Then there's that one blade that pops up out of the dispenser and starts talking to you. Those big, staring doll eyes. The words that hold such promise of release from pain... from everything. It would be so simple. So easy. You would hardly feel a thing. And then, the sweet bliss of peace.

The eyes are full of answers. The answer. Somehow, those eyes - all at once so disturbing yet reassuring - tell you they want to be close to your skin, with the warm, pulsating vein so close below. He's so cold. Won't you help him warm up? So very close. He can almost see your blood. Almost taste it. Just, almost. So... easy.

Please enjoy the horrifying mascot from today's Gillette ad. You won't want to go anywhere without him, would you? He'd be so cold, without your warm, yielding skin to keep him warm. Print him out and carry him everywhere. Yeeessss, that's it. You're welcome!

11/25/13

Okay, fashionistas, it's time to get some Christmas gift-giving mojo rising, 1971 style! What? You don't know what those words mean? It doesn't matter! It's time to get groovy, with these infinitely fashionable shirts from Arrow that will always be trendy, forever, until the seas boil and the boon shall be as blood!

Wow! What year is it? I simply cannot tell! It looks like an annual hunt club photo from the early twentieth century, but this is 1971. What goes on??? Timeless style that will always be groovy, that's what! And that's because, here in 1971, we've realized we are the ultimate arbiters of cool in a way that nobody can ever deny! Check out the details!

What goes with stripes? STRIPES, silly! What goes with patterns? STRRRRRIPES, idiot! And what kind of pants should all kinds of men wear. TIGHT ONES, sailor! Just like they did in 1905! Indistinguishable!

You know what? Thtere's almost no way you could ever make this look go out of style, no matter how hard you push it? That's just good fashion, honey! Don't believe us? Well, get ready to admit defeat, because here comes Arrow Shirt Man, 2024 style!

SEE? He looks just like he's been fox hunting in the English countryside! This stuff will never get old! It's good to know that we finished fashion, and we did it right here in 1971! Couture complete!!! You're welcome!

11/22/13

Okay, people! The Pointy Tree Daycards have come back from The Printers, and what to my wondering eyes do appear? They're typo free. Champagne corks fly! They're going out now, so get yours while it's still The Holidays. Send your address to PhilAreGo@gmail.com. No, we won't send you junk mail or stalk you. They're free and no salesman will visit... at least not from us. It's just a friggin' postcard. Jeez. Free until we run out, and then they're still free, but you can't get one any more.

Joke #1 - "I know adolescence can be a confusing time, Bertrand.. Here's the name of the doctor that performed my first three gender deassignment-reassignment-unassgnment-reversals."

Joke #2 - "I'm sorry about your father's heart attack, Bertrand. This is hard on all of us. He wanted you to have this. It's his Blimpie Club Card. Two more purchases and you get a free meatball sub."

Joke #3 - "I can't say I approve of your hobbies, Bertrand, but I know I can't stop you. But, please just be safe. Keep this for a rainy day. It's a get-out-of-Facebook-free card."

Joke #4 - Whoops. Mother had found his "just in case" condom. Boy, that brought back memories. Fourth grade seemed like it was only yesterday.

Jim D. sends us this very detailed and intricate Joke #5, almost as if he's thought this through more than once, and veeery carefully. Thanks, Jim. Remind me not to cross you! - Bertrand couldn't help smirking as he thought how easily it had gone in actuality, after all their hours of planning. And Patricia's pathetic worry about whether the dogs . . . he realized he hadn't answered her question. "Of course it's safe to hock the watch. Just do it next time you're across the state line in Sioux City. But we'll have to do something about his name on all the furniture. Why don't you work on that while I show this 'sexy I.O.U.' to a certain school board member. I have a feeling that's where we can make this job REALLY pay!"

11/21/13

Ooooh, how I miss the simpler times. You know, those times that were simpler, in the past, when you could joke about murder under the guise of brand loyalty? Wheee! The world was ever so grand and nice back then. If only we could go back.

In case you missed the message, it's "Confuse our product with another and one of our more loyal customers might murder you." Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's a good one, advertising! We're so lucky we have you to keep us laughing! Ha ha ha ha ha ha. You're killing me.

11/20/13

You aren't buying enough stuff for Christmas, and probably never have... according to Kaiser Aluminum, at least. here's their recipe for a wonderful Christmas. There. Now don't you feel awful, you monster?

See? As early as 1948, kaiser Aluminum understood the importance of filling your house to the brim with good old aluminum products. On this I agree. I loves me some aluminum. Some of my favorite things in the world are gorgeously machined and anodized aluminum bike components and camera lenses. But wow, that's a lot of Christmas crap.

And let's not forget that, on Christmas Eve, this lucky couple not only set up their refrigerator (for the lady, of course), but also their full-size playground slide and their... aluminum bike?

Sorry, Kaiser. I'm going to have to call you on that one. The idea of a twelve year old boy owning an aluminum bike in 1948 was only slightly crazier than having a giant slide in the living room. Aluminum bikes were still pretty rare until The Nineties, when the mountain bike craze started to get really mainstream. Even in The Eighties, when I was trying pathetically to race BMX, aluminum bikes were very rare. There was a fairly exclusive brand of aluminum bike frame called "P.K. Ripper". Well, it turns out they still seem to exist as "SE Bikes". But anyway, P.K. Rippers were famous for their problems with cracking, or, more accurately, their problems with NOT cracking. It seems that even then, the trick of making an aluminum bike that would hold up under the vibration and stresses of a ten year old kid jumping it over stuff was still a work in progress.

My dad was a machinist, not a welder, but he knew guys in the business who were, and he always explained the difficulty in welding aluminum like this: most nice metals like steel go through a broad softening phase as they heat up. They glow specific colors that tell you pretty accurately what temperature the metal is. So, there's plenty of warning before the metal just melts into a puddle of slag. This is how welders tell the temperature of the material as they work. The freaky part is, the information in the chart to the left is pretty universal for all metals. Anyway, aluminum is tricky because it's softening range is very narrow. It softens and turns to a liquid in a pretty short range of temperatures. You have a very narrow window of working temperatures. So, anybody who can weld aluminum must be pretty darn good. Also, part of the added expense of, say, an aluminum bike, is not just the expense of buying a metal that must be made with huge amounts of electricity and weird stuff like bauxite, but also the difficulty in working with it, and the expense of finding and hiring welders who can build stuff from it that won't snap in half and wind up stuck through your kid's torso. Any time my dad build something from aluminum, he always did it in the cut-drill-machine-screw way, which I think results in inventions that not only look more "Nasa", but can also be disassembled for improvements or repair.

Okay, okay, okay, we did find this page about a postwar aluminum bike made by the French company Aviac. So yes, they existed, and that blows my mind, but your average kid would never get something like this on Christmas. Aluminum was the carbon fiber of 1948. But, then again, as long as you're putting a playground in your living room, why not spring for a crazy high tech aluminum bike?

11/19/13

What does every horsetoothed boy want to see under the necessarily abnormally tall tree on Christmas morning, but a Columbia motobike! Am I right people? And as for you FRAN-CIS, it's not for sale!

I never heard of Columbia bikes. I guess they were The Shit back in The Fifties, and by the time I was ready for some hot tire-on-pavement action, Huffy was The Shit. Little did I know that Huffy was just plain shit.

"Mark my words, Pee-Wee, your bike will be mine!
Then I'll be the one called Pee-Wee!"

Anyoldhoo, this Columbia is just the ticket to get sinister old Francis (who apparently was a thirty-eight-year-old-manboy, just like Pee-Wee) scheming away at how to get his hands on it. This is well, because the saddle on this Columbia is tilted up at such an angle that whoever winds up owning it will be in no danger of making babies with anyone any time soon, and I think Francis is best left un-childed. As a rule of thumb, your seat won't mess up your junk if you keep the surface pretty much level with the ground and keep your butt on the back of the saddle, where it belongs. You don't need any weird holes in your saddle as long as you know how to adjust it right. How did the dad in this ad ever get to be a father if that's how he puts a saddle on a bike?

Oh yeah, before I forget. Apparently "Jiminy Christmas" was a kooky way to say "Jesus Christ" when you're angry, but not angry enough to swear.

Yeah yeah, whatever. Look at the frikkin gums on that kid! Jeez oh man! This calls for a little extraction. Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishent and Photoshoppery Squad, assemble! Pkshow! Okay team, pull that kid out of his ad and give him to me on alpha, stat!

Here's old Horseteeth at 2000 pixels tall, on transparent alpha, ready to enhance just about anything you care to offer him.

Click for normal Horseteeth.

And just because you got an honest face, here's an extra-gummy version of him as well.

Click for extra-gummy Horseteeth.

And here's a serving suggestion of the kind of fun he can have over all your graphics. He's pointing at Toronto Mayor Rob Ford attacking Council member Pam McConnell. See how he makes everything better? It's just that easy! You're welcome!

11/18/13

Hear ye, hear ye, or whatever! 'Tis almost the season again, for unnecessary stress, ridiculous spending of money you probably don't have, and anxiety over familial expectations! Why not soften the blow with a really huge glass of wine and the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day card?

A: If you think we have the time to sit in an unmarked van across the street from your house, you are probably grossly overestimating the interestingness of your life, and also the amount of free time we have here at GO! Tower. If you're that paranoid, give us your work address, or the address of someone you know. We don't care.

Q: Do you have any of the older versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day card lying around? Can I get a couple of those?

A: Yeah, we have some of those. We'll send an envelope with a few different cards in it while supplies last or until we don't feel like it any more.

Q: If I collect all the versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card from way long ago, will they be valuable some day?

A: Sure. Why not? Go nuts.

Q: Why is the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card always something to do with cigarettes? What's your problem?

A: Because advertisers don't dare mix cigarettes and Santa any more. Santa is completely PC and boring now. The image of St. Nick puffing a Camel is bizarre.Christmas cigarette ads are funny and inappropriate. On the other hand however, Santa is supposed to be immortal, so he should be able to smoke his brains out, right? In The Night before Christmas, he smoked a pipe with smoke that encircled his head like a wreath or something. When's the last time you saw Santa smoking his pipe in a store ad, or commercial? Santa smoking a cigarette is just frikkin weird. Lastly, if you need to ask why cigarette Christmas ads are funny, you should probably go read The Drudge Report or something, because irony and black humor obviously don't work on you.

Q: Will the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card always be a cigarette ad? No really, what's your problem?

A. No, it won't. If we run out of Christmas cigarette ads, we'll use something else. Also, shut up.

11/15/13

What do your books say about you? If you're not a member of The Heritage Club, not enough.

You've got the house in the suburbs, with the right car parked in front of it, and the right husband with the right job, and a mini bar with the right bottles on it. You're ready to host an ideal cocktail party that's sure to raise your status in the neighborhood, right? Wrong, dear. You need to be seen owning the right books!

Your new friends can judge your house, car, and husband by looking at them. But how will they judge what's in your head? Show them what you want them to believe is in your head - that you've read all the standard classics, carefully chosen by a panel of scholars for maximum "impressitude". Join The Heritage Club immediately and be assured of your proper place in your mini-society.

One beautifully bound and probably printed book will arrive on a regular basis, ready to be proudly displayed on your shelf where it will tell the world what sort of person you imagine yourself to be. These sumptuous volumes are of a quality suitable to be handed down for generations, enriching the social lives of your heirs with all that they imply. So, join The Heritage Club today and begin pretending living the life you've always imagined.

11/13/13

Here's an eye-wateringly beautiful Cadillac ad from a 1931. Back then, the back of National Geographic was filled with stuff for rich people and world travelers. Yachts, exotic travel locations, stuff like that. This superdeco Cadillac ad refreshes your brain with its minimalism and brushes your eyes with its reserved presentation and light, airy layout. This is a recipe for all-day freshness you can count on. We present this ad in original smudges-and-paper-grain version and in pristine cleaned-up version (scroll down), cause you got an honest face. You're welcome!

In trying to come up with a clever headline for today's post, I made an unclever reference to "So Danco Samba", a bossa nova written by Tom Jobim and covered by lots of people. I have in several incarnations in my collection. The song has nothing to do with this ad, other than the pun in the headline, and being really great. Play any version. You can't go far wrong.

11/11/13

So you're a pharmacist (or if you're English, a "chemist") in 1940, and you want to make use of your counter space. Who you gonna call? COTY, for their Sell-Arium, muddafugga! Time to sell some beauty requisit-t-t-t-t-tes! Oh, man, you got to get on that shit, stat!

Since you're probably pretty normal, you don't call the stuff in your medicine cabinet "requisites" (pronounced "rek-wuh-ZEET"). Despite being generally more pressed for time than every major civilization that came before us, we call that stuff "all the stuff in the medicine cabinet". Why? because we don't want to get made fun of for sounding all fancy, that's why.

But when you're COTY (pronounced "koh-TEE", and yes, I looked it up), nothing's too fancy for you. In fact, in the makeup-and-selling-grand-foofery-to-ladies biz, fancy is money in the bank. The harder to pronounce your name is, and the weirder your normal-word-replacements are, the happier you are. If you're a lady, you probably know this.

"A fishy requisit-t-t-t-t-te!"

Know who else knows this? Michael Palin as the Not At All Naughty Chemist. For a reason nobody knows, he always said "requisite" with too many T's throughout this whole sketch. I don't need to understand why to understand it's funny. Skip to 2:23 in the video below, or watch the whole thing from the Five-Frog-Curse cartoon, or just click this link that starts at the right tome code.

Guess what was really popular to rub on your face in 1940? Legionnaire's disease! See? Know you know. You're welcome!

11/8/13

Joke #1 - "Look, lady, unattended bags are required to be seized and searched. Either you convince me that your little-girl-shaped bag is just a little girl, or I'm gonna have to see what's inside her... I mean, 'it'."

Joke #2 - Lady, I'd love to go home with you, but as you can plainly see, I'm here with my wife. Now, I suggest you get on that train and get the heck out of Utah.

Joke #3 - "Lady, you're not allowed to park that here. I don't care if she's got a flat or what. You fix her, and get her running before I have her impounded."

Joke #4 - Audrey's head was ever so woozey and muddled. She could hardly remember what had happened the night before. So many things she had drunk and eaten. The bench was all hard and wooden, but after such a night as she had, it was all Audrey could do to keep her eyes open. She leaned over and after a few seconds, she was fast asleep. "Las Vegas" was such a strange, strange place.

A very early joke #5 addition comes to us from Yevgenia. Thanks, Yegveveehveniya! Take THAT, Switzerland! - That's not our daughter? Maybe you should've told me that before our layover in Zurich!"

11/7/13

Learn The New Science Of Television-Radio-Electronics And New Super Easy Rules Of Capitalization At Our Secret Floating Training Facility On Lake Michigan!

As Career Recipient of Blunt Head Trauma Jack Dempsey's head will tell you, in exchange for a check we wrote him, he's proud to be "with" DTI, in the same way that Fonzie is now super cranked about reverse mortgages. No word on whether his neck or body share his enthusiasm for electronics training, as they were not available at the time of printing.

Still not convinced? Then listen to Randomly Chosenand Slightly Startled Boat Guy Jean Desmas, for somereason. DTI is "incroyable".