WCW Nitro

4.1.99

BLAH

I GET
LETTERS:
Kurt Hopke writes: Hey there CRZ. You're always begging
for mail, so I'll tell you this and it ought to make you feel good. I'm
in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia for the holidays visiting my folks, and we don't
get nitro over here, though we get 2 week old raws. Anyways, I needed a
good report to remind me of all that I was missing (since I seem to be
quite WCW-dependent) and your report really worked for me. Probably
because you hate Konnan as much as me. Anyways, the icing on the cake was
when I decided to check out Hyatte's review mainly because I always went
to yours and maybe he saw things differently. Turns out he didn't watch
either raw or Nitro but instead wrote some rather sophomoric bullshit.
You are a lifesaver CRZ and if you lived in my town I'd back you cookies.

You'd back me cookies? I don't know what that means...

In a clip closed captioned and rated TV-PG-DV, we see Kevin Nash and
Goldberg in black and white - their momentous battle at Starrcade will
most undoubtedly go down in history as the GREATEST MATCH INVOLVING SCOTT
HALL AND A SHOCK STICK EVER!

Hey, look, it's the Nitro Girls! Nash/Goldberg II TONIGHT!

It's the first Nitro of 1999! We are LIVE from the GeorgiaDome in
Atlanta, GA and Richard M. Flair is in charge! (I'm glad he won that
match in a week where there was no THUNDER! and no Saturday Night, gee
whiz, just PEEL seven days out of those 90!) Over 40K are here,
supposedly, we'll find out later. And, oh boy, there's a NITRO PARTY in
full effect!

Jimmy Barron (who?) interviews the lucky hick that done won that Nitro
Party contest. Probably just a COINCIDENCE that he lived close enough to
Atlanta to show up, huh? Hey look, that Nitro Girls poster has TAYO on
it! It breaks down completely and they have to take it back to Tony.

GLACIER v. HUGH MORRUS (with James
Hart) - Hey, Hugh Morrus! He's bald
now, by the way. You know, Glacier just hasn't been the same since James
van den Berg got a hold of his ancient helmet. Commentators are, of
course, talking about Randy Savage gaining revenge on Eric Bischoff for
destroying his knee however many months ago it was. (Let's hear it for
CONTINUITY!) Did they drop some balloons or something? 'Cause it sounds
like lots of people are popping balloons all over the place. Lockup, arm
drag by Morrus, repeat. Glacier with a kick, a palm thrust, somethin'
else, another something, whip is reversed, head is down, Glacier continues
the attack. Arm wringer, punch, Glacier is SOOOO boring. Punches
alternated with kicks. I REALLY don't want Glacier to win. Tonight,
Hollywood Hogan speaks! Glacier whip, reverse, coming out he's
powerslammed by Morrus. Both men down, both men up, eyepoke by Glacier,
right hand. Punch blocked, kick, legsweep, pose. Hart's up on the apron
- Morrus rushes and takes out his own manager (oh no). Whip, reverse,
leapfrog, clothesline by Morrus takes his head off (yeah!) NO LAUGHING
MATTER! Well, all right. 1, 2, 3. I LOVE Glacier - when he's jobbing to
Hugh Morrus (2:46).
Tony: "There's no question WCW is back!" Where'd
they go?

The Treacherous Three talk while Larry bobs his head from side to side in
the hopes that he'll pick up someone, ANYONE, cheering his name, so he can
get up and pose. TONIGHT, Ric Flair makes a "state of the sport" address!
Ric Flair is tradition! Old school! Ric Flair! Ric Flair! James Brown!
James Brown!

Let Us Take You Back to last week's Nitro where Bischoff celebrated, Flair
challenged, Bischoff accepted, the doctor denied, Bischoff denied, Flair
stood in the ring, Bischoff tried to run away, the Horsemen dragged, Giant
turned the tide, Savage walked out, Savage turned twice in ten seconds,
Flair put on the figure four, Bischoff gave up, Flair elbowdropped for a
pin for good measure, and everybody did the dance of joy. This set of
clips eats up five minuts.

Opening credits (or as I like to call them, Seventeen Minutes After
Opening Credits) FINALLY have been changed to include WCW people -
Goldberg, Page, Hart (?), Booker T. Page doesn't roar in sync, though.
Ha!

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you buy 1-800-COLLECT - the
EAZY way to save!

GENE O. works
tonight! Time to introduce the new (interim?) President of
WCW - you can call him Richard M. Fleihr, but I'll continue to call him
THE MAN, thank
you very much. He is flanked by his chillins, and ARN
ANDERSON. Good Lord, did they put HIGHLIGHTS in
Reid's hair? The IV
HORSEMEN join the throng walking to the ring.
Malenko is on crutches -
apparently, he sprained an ankle Sunday night at a house show. Benoit is
wearing his Sting-style trenchcoat. McMichael is wearing a Players jacket
that someone his age shouldn't be wearing. (You tell him.) Gene calls
Flair "boss" as an adjective? "This is a proud moment for me - I am so
happy to be surrounded at this moment by the people that have supported
me, stood by me, believed in me. World Championship Wrestling is the
greatest organisation on the face of this earth, but for five year, a
tyrant by the name of Eric Bischoff has run over a lot of people. And as
you know, in the past week my whole life has changed, but the most often
asked question was 'What are you gonna do to Eric Bischoff your first
night in office?' So Mr. Bischoff, I know you're in the building, saw you
back there, unless you want to go to work for somebody else tomorrow,
you'll come out here right now and talk to the President of WCW." As
CRACKA EAZY-E
walks out, looking rather ... I would say stoic, yes. Flair
promises to return Bischoff to his roots tonight. "There's a lot of
things I've got to say, but I've got to have his undivided attention, so
that he knows...Mr. Bischoff. Eric. Would you say that tonight the shoes
are on a different set of feet? I'm not gonna beat around the bush, you
know over the last five years you have taken great pride, almost to the
point of, you know, almost some kind of self-dedication, to making me feel
very small on many occasions - not only in the eyes of my contemporaries -
Hogan, Savage, name a few, but in the eyes of my peers you have humbled me
many times. The easiest thing to do, Eric, would be to say 'pick up your
paycheque Eric, it's been nice seeing you.' But that ain't it. I put a
lot of thought into this, and since you had fun taking me out of the main
event status and putting me in the opening match, as of tonight, and it
could change, but as of right now, you officially are working for Tony
Schiavone over in the announcing booth." And then he cuts his salary in
half. Schiavone says he'll be happy to teach Bischoff play-by-play, which
is ironic on so many levels. Let Us Take You Back to Bischoff firing
Randy Anderson for his actions at NWO Souled out two years ago, and
failing to rehire him a week later. Flair invites RANDY ANDERSON to the
ring. I guess I'd just be a spoil-sport to mention that match he had with
Nick Patrick where...oh, never mind. Anderson's shaved off his moustache,
and is wearing a bright yellow sweater (go Randy!) Flair says he's happy
to welcome back Anderson at double the salary. Flair goes on to thank
Page, Booker T, Schiavone, and everybody that came down the other night
(except Konnan - well, he probably meant to say it) and he thanks Randy
Savage and welcomes him back, even though they had issues in the past.
Well, continuity is a bitch, isn't it. Hey, Flair, bring back Jimmy Jett
while you're at it. Finally, Flair says he's gonna do something a little
selfish - booking himself in a handicap match with Barry Windham and Curt
Hennig at Souled Out. David pipes up and says that he'd like to be Ric's
tag team partner at Souled Out. "I love him - he's my son - he's not
ready for this." Arn: "He knows what he's doin'." Ric: "You and me?"
David: "I'm ready." And they embrace. "The greatest wrestling program in
the world! Enjoy yourselves tonight! It's World Championship Wrestling
at it's best." Tony welcomes Eric to the broadcast team, as he has
replaced Mike Tenay on the dais. It should probably be noted that this
segment took like fifteen minutes, and that's all I'll say about that for
now.

Aw shit, K-Dog's got a T-shirt, which means I have to see pieces of
"Konnan's Music Video" while they hype it.

BOOKER T. v. A BLACK
SCREEN - well, there was a big time screwup in
Master Control here, because the next thing you know we have no sound, no
picture, no Booker T. match. But I did get one thing out of this -
Hollywood Hogan will be speaking later tonight. Next thing you know,
Booker T. is breakdancing, hitting the Harlem sidekick, and the missile
dropkick - then he moves at about 100x speed, which looks like another
tape glitch. Then we see Booker T. saying he won't stop 'til he's the #1
Contender and a true O.G. Or something. No idea who the jobber was, but
wcw.com MAY have a report up someday and you can find out there. Or maybe
you saw the replay. Don't write me and tell me, I don't care. Really.
(?:??) (After
the fact, I checked the WCW.com report, which identified
the loser as EMORY
HALE.)

Nitro is pro-wrestling's only live program, and wrestling's trendsetter.
Bischoff looks bored off his gourd.

WHO IS YOUR DADDY NORMAN SMILEY
(yellow) v. CHAVO GUERRERO, JR. (con Pepe)
- "There's going to be about four or five different producers talking in
your head at once - they're going to tell you to say something that you've
already said but you've still got to do it again!" Oh, Tony, it's those
EVIL PRODUCERS that are forcing you to repeat things again and again and
again...SURE. This match happened last week, but hell, let's have it
EVERY week, why not? Tonight, Bill Goldberg returns to the place where he
won the title! Tony asks Bischoff for comment and gets none. I hope they
do this ALL NIGHT LONG. Go see last week's play-by-play, it's more
exciting anyway, 'cause Smiley dances a whole lot more. Larry finally
calls Eric "idiot" but even that won't cause Eric to utter a word. Now,
Smiley won last week, so he has to return the favour this week. There
is ONE cool spot where Smiley starts to do his dance but passes out
instead. Chavo blows a springboard but recovers nicely. Now Smiley
is setting him up for the Norman Conquest, but Chavo manages to slide
under, roll through and hit a Sunset flip for the pin (4:01). Smiley with
a forearm to the back, head to the buckle, vertical suplex, gee whiz, he
should have done this stuff before he got pinned when it would have
mattered. Swoop slam! Smiley grabs Pepe and whacks him with it. Another
whack for Chavo and Pepe's head falls off! Skittles brings you replays.
Both times the commentators are too concerned with Eric Bischoff to call
the almost chickenwing spot. Well, this first hour is almost over anyway.
THIS is the SuperNitro?

THUNDER! ad. What the hell is Hogan doing in this ad? Even if he weren't
retired, he don't work on Thursdays!

HORACE (hogan) v. CHRIS BENOIT (no
entrance? Some Horseman!) - Tony tells
us that this Sunday the Falcons will host the Arizona Cardinals in this
very dome. For an encore, Tony tells Eric "You're a big football fan -
living in Minnesota - probably a big Detroit Lions fan." Hey, *I* wish
the Vikings didn't exist either, come to think of it. Again, Tony and
Larry try to make Eric talk and he doesn't. Meanwhile, Benoit is hitting
the rolling German suplex, Horace tries to elbow out but Benoit picks him
up and drapes him over the top rope. Punch, chop (woooo!), Horace manages
to suplex him out of the ring. Why didn't Benoit get an entrance? TOPE
SUICIDA! Horace RULES! Wow, Benoit really hit his back hard on the
barricade, too. Horace throws him back in, short clothesline, elbowdrop,
1, 2, no. We should all notice "Blind" Randy Anderson is officiating the
match. Benoit springs up and gets a top rope superplex.
Thumb-cross-the-throat gesture. Diving headbutt! Benoit is super slow
getting up. Larry: "I was never one of the high flyers - I liked
wrestling on the mat." I like when Larry reminds us of his
seventeen-minute chinlocks. Horace with a 2 count. Benoit with a
reversal to the Crippler crossface - Horace stays in, but eventually taps
out (3:59).
Benoit headbutts the camera - well, why the hell not. Replay
of Horace trying a suplex but Benoit dropping into the Crippler crossface.

Backstage, we see GOLDBERG
and ATLANTA'S
FINEST. They have a warrant for
his arrest. Now, let's say you're Goldberg. What's your first question
for the cops? If you said "what's the charge?" give yourself a gold star.
Goldberg says everything BUT this, in fact, it's really - well, maybe I'll
just transcribe it for you. I know I'll be sorry later. "You have a
warrant for MY arrest? You're kidding me. Whatever it is, whoever
charged me with whatever it is, like I said, you know, Jack knows,
everybody in this city knows that I do nothing but positive things for
this community, I do all the things for kids, I do all the things for the
fallen cops, so you, and you, and you - nobody here can take me in for
anything that I didn't do, you got that? I don't care, because whatever
it is, I'm innocent! Like I said, none of you guys can take me downtown
for something I'm not guilty for - not any of you guys, or collectively,
all of you. You got that? I don't like being wrongly accused. So
whatever it is, it's bogus, and it ain't true. Huh? I don't hear
anything else..." The cops insist, they're going downtown. "First of all,
I don't like it, second of all whatever it is, like I said, I didn't do
it. So every gun you got and every piece of mace you got, it's gonna take
every single piece of weaponry to take me down there, okay? So you're
prepared to do that? I hope you are, 'cause I am. I stand for good in
this community and nobody can tell me otherwise, okay?" The cop that he
knows asks him to calm down and go to the precinct. "What do you want,
Jack? You know and I know it ain't true, whatever it is. Calm down? I
got my whole life on the line here, I got my reputation here, we're
calling defamation of character okay? Jack, that's BS okay, that ain't
right. Listen, you know me." Hey, Goldberg, maybe you could, you know,
ASK what you're being arrested for. So he's taken off in cuffs, still
throwing a temper tantrum. What's the DAMN CHARGE?

Is THAT what they use to hook you while RAW starts? Did that WORK for
you?

Mortal Kombat is NEXT!

Closed captioning where available is made possible by JollyTime popcorn!
(eh?)

The camera follows Goldberg and the phalanx of coppas outside the
building. BIG
POOCHIE,
not content to let an entire hour go by without us
mentioning him, has made his appearance to ask the police what this does
for their match tonight. Well, let me spell it out for you. No main
event tonight. Fuck you, WCW. Strangely enough, it's YOU KNOW WHO
laughing at Goldberg being taken off - because he's a "law & order
politician." Elsewhere in the building, we see LIZ talking to a couple
detectives. Huh?

PERRY SATURN, A VERY HANDSOME MAN v.
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with JPS
Ralphus) - I guess it's funny every time Tony says
"this is going down on
your next review." Didn't these guys wrestle on THUNDER! or something
once? Saturn slaps Jericho, Jericho cries to referee "Blind" Scott
Dickinson. Don't Saturn and Dickinson have a history, come to think of
it? Lockup, arm wringer by Jericho, reversal by Saturn, Jericho down, up,
clothesline from Saturn. Jericho with a kick to the gut, chop (woooo!),
side headlock, shoulderblock, back and forth, dueling hiptosses, Jericho
flips, Saturn suplexes. Into the corner, whip, Jericho up and over,
charge misses, Saturn with superKwang kicks. Another suplex by Saturn.
Into the rope, duck, back elbow, Jericho puts him up and over, springboard
dropkick! and he's on the floor. Jericho does the - I think that's the
whooping crane. Knee to the back of the head - from the apron to the
floor! Time for a commercial break while Jericho hits a snap suplex on
the floor.

Tony and Larry have said "well what's the charge?" about a MILLION times -
too bad Goldberg couldn't say it once....

When we come back, we're in the ring, Saturn ducks a lariat and puts on a
sleeper, Jericho counters with a belly-to-back suplex and both men are
down - no, Jericho is up. Tony promises to break into the match if they
have Goldberg news (like, apparently, they need an excuse). Arrogant
cover for 2. Rear chinlock by Jericho as Tony tells us this is segment
seven of a sixteen segment program. Hmmm. Saturn with a spectacular
suplex. Moving fast now - both men miss moves, Saturn sets up the
Spicolli driver but Jericho pounds on him to get out. Whip, reversal,
another suplex lookin' thing by Saturn, 1, 2, no! Whip into the corner -
atomic drop - Jericho elbows the ref on his way down. Saturn to the ropes
- springboard flying jalapeno but Jericho has pulled Dickinson in harm's
way. Golotta by Jericho! Lionsault! Liontamer coming up but Dickinson
calls for the bell before the hold is on. (8:12) He raises JERICHO'S
hand! Apparently from Saturn hitting the move earlier. "I didn't give
up! Noooooo!" Jericho: "That's a great referee right there! That is an
EXCELLENT professional wrestling referee right there!"

Camera still following Goldberg - apparently there's a police precinct
RIGHT across the street from the CNN Center. They're going to Room 3! OH
NO! He's still in cuffs. Will they let the camera in? Wow, this is just
like "COPS!" The charge is finally revealed: "aggravated stalking."
Elizabeth Labetsky (you spell it) - "Bill - Miss Elizabeth." They're
gonna talk about it. "Jack, you know me, this ain't me. You guys go
ahead and do your job - I ain't gonna pay for this." Goldberg is
ELECTRIFYING!

Hey! MENTOS ad! MENTOS - THUH FRESH MEKKER!

Nitro Girls calendar ad. But the year's already 4 days over! I want a
1.1% discount!

Jimmy Barron with another pointless Nitro Party segment. "Free Goldberg!
I'm drunk! Ooooooo!" Another fan says Goldberg should be KEPT in jail,
forever - hey, I'm with THAT guy.

Backstage, we see Liz being interviewed. She says Goldberg follows her
everywhere, he was in Baltimore last week, he was at the PPV before that,
he stays at the same hotel...oh, come on. This segment sure had some high
drama, though. That Liz sure can act. One detective to another: "Let me
talk to you outside." We can only hope he's saying "What the hell are we
doing on this show?" during the ad break.

The LWO wants to show
you how the homies party. This particular vignette
wins the award as "Most Racist Segment in Recent History." Apparently,
Eddie steals all the mamacitas while Dandy, Damien, and Silver King get
pissed off. AND THEN HE CRASHES HIS CAR!!!!! Oh, sorry, he doesn't
really. This segment was over four minutes long and kinda - well - I wish
I had ANY sort of idea what (or when, or if) they'll do something with
this.

Bobby Heenan joins Tony and the mute.

KIDMAN & REY MYSTERIO, JR. v. JUVENTUD
GUERRERA & PSYCHOSIS in a Tejas
Tornado match - Eddie's situation is not mentioned
tonight, sigh. If this
is a Tornado match, why are two men outside the ring? Maybe Tony's
stupid. Kidman and Psychosis start. Back and forth we go to start,
counter, counter, counter, Psychosis with a faceslam. He wants to tag
Juvi but Juvi says no. Psychosis tags him anyway - meanwhile, Kidman
dropkicks a distracted Guerrera, another, third one misses and Juvi takes
charge. Atomic drop. Tag to Rey. Huracanrana! Both men in - double
clothesline ducked, Rey throws him into Kidman for a Ligerbomb - Rey
covers, but only 2. Rey does his spin move. Juvi off the ropes but on
his feet, Rey outside, 'rana and Juventud's outside the ring! Psychosis
hits a top rope double sledge behind Rey's back. Juvi back in with a
springboard dropkick. Guillotine legdrop from the apron to the floor by
Psychosis on Rey! Psychosis throws him back in. Psychosis with a top
rope double sledge. Juventud is in - double team but Rey sidesteps a
charging Guerrera (after failing to tag even though he was in Kidman's
corner) tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on Guerrera, but Guerrera holds onto him
as Psychosis hits a dropkick to the back of the head. Back and forth we
go, Juventud hits a backbreaker but only gets 2. Tag to Psychosis - to
the top rope - dropkick by Rey. Both men down - both men going for the
tag. Tag to Guererra, tag to Kidman! Kidman's a house on fire! No he
isn't - well, he ducked and Psychosis hit his partner. Double DDT. Tony
again says "Tornado rules in effect" when they clearly ain't. Rey and
Kidman on the top in different corners - BOTH MEN TO THE FLOOR! Kidman
with Psychosis on his shoulders - DOOMSDAY DEVICE! Guerrera makes the
save at 2. Whip, reverse, reverse, chop (woooo!) by Guerrera - Rey with a
quebrada attempt but Guerrera turns it into a Juvi Driver - 1, 2, Kidman
saves. Psychosis throws him over the top. Kick, chop (woooo!), whip,
reverse, Juventud pulls up to avoid hitting his partner. Rey takes
Guerrera and they hit two standing switches - so when Kidman hits the
top-rope dropkick, he ends up hitting BOTH men. Guerrera clotheslines
Kidman out of the ring and Psychosis hits the top-rope guillotine legdrop.
1, 2, 3. (7:36)
Hey Tony, that wasn't no damn Tornado match.

Jack questions Goldberg - of course, he was at all those places, and that
gym? Why, he owns it. Goldberg wants out of here now, and makes a
threatening move - but they don't mace him. Jack tells him to sit tight
and they'll keep working on it. Hey, you think he'll be out in time for
the main event? I give it 50/50.

Gene O. brings out BIG
POOCHIE to get his unique spin on this whole
Goldberg situation. Nash appears to be carrying a book of some sort. "At
Starrcade, a lot of people say that Kevin Nash beat Bill Goldberg. As far
as I'm concerned, at Starrcade, Bill Goldberg got screwed. I've been
sittin' back there in the locker room gettin' ready for a match with
Goldberg, and I watched the turn of events that's happened tonight with
Liz coming up with some trumped up charges and it doesn't take Closeau to
figure out who's behind this, and that's you, Hogan. So it's real simple.
Since the Nature Boy seems to be righting all the wrongs, Naitch, I'm
asking ya, let me have Hogan tonight - I know for a fact, that you've had
eight days to go over contracts - I know Hogan's still under contract. I
want Hogan tonight, call it a warmup, 'cause I know at the end of the
night, Goldberg'n me will be in the ring for the title. So Hogan, if
you're out there, and I know you are in the back, it's real simple. You
wanna hook it up tonight-" THE
MAN is out. "First of all, regardless of
whether I agree with how he got it, he is the World Heavyweight Champion
of the greatest wrestling organisation in the world - I don't know what's
happened to Goldberg, but I know this for a fact, if Liz is involved,
Hogan's pulling the strings, and if Hogan's pulling the strings and thinks
he's gonna dance off to Hollywood, make a movie and make a mockery of this
company, he's wrong. Tonight, Hogan, you're under contract. If Goldberg
can't make the match, you mah friend, in front of forty thousand and the
world, are gone wrestle Big Sexy baby." Did Nash mouth along a la
Bischoff? Hmm...

Replay of the show opening black and white montage. That's "monochrome,"
not "NWO black and white."

Tony feels pretty sure that Hogan is behind this, now that someone else
has said it first.

More with Liz and the detectives. They are asking her to repeat her
story, so that she'll flub it, I guess. She changes the "water cooler" to
the "Coke machine." She says Goldberg was wearing "red tights" the last
time he stalked her. She gets pretty defensive. "I'm the victim here -
do you understand that?!? I want him locked up! I'm tired of this! I've
filed all these reports, you guys are doing nothing!" The detectives
leave again, presumably to go outside and laugh at her, or to shoot
themselves. Or something.

Gene O. brings out YOU KNOW
WHO, who originally comes out to Scott
Putski's music by mistake, before the Voodoo Chili is taken into the
microwave and reheated. Hogan is wearing a black blazer, black T and blat
'do rag, goofy sunglasses (natch - just like Ventura used to wear!) and
I'm assuming black pants. Hogan says he was gonna say his goodbyes and
also formally announce his Veep, BUT the "sexual deviant" Goldberg just
made him sick. He calls Nash a "spoon" which would probably be funny if
only I knew what it meant. Hogan said that Nash said that Hogan retired
only because he was afraid to face him. He's watched the Wolfpack huff
and puff, and if Flair said it was happening, well, he guesses he owes his
fans one more retirement match. Oh, nice shoes, Hollywood. I know you
want to hear what Tony says next. "Fans, as Hollywood Hogan walks away
and you look at forty thousand plus on hand, if you're even THINKING about
changing the channel to our competition, fans, do not, because we
understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is
gonna win their World title - hoh! That's gonna put some butts in the
seats, hyeh." And I know, I KNOW, you're expecting me to dignify this
with a response.

Sorry.

WCW MasterCard ad.

TV-PG-DV box reappears - "Earlier Today" clip shows Chris Jericho
buttering up Scott Dickinson and then telling him that the next time Perry
Saturn lays a hand on him, he should be IMMEDIATELY disqualified.
Dickinson nods. Well, there you go. You NEEDED that spelled out for you,
hah?

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER & BUFF
BAGWELL
come out to remind me how great the
third hour can be. Steiner tells us he can't be censored now that he has
the PRESTIGIOUS World TElevision title. Buff does a brief Flair imitation
which I am ashamed to laugh at, but I do. Steiner invites Konnan out for
another title match, oh, so THAT'S what Charles Robinson is doing out
there in the ring.

SUPERSTAR SCOTT STEINER (with Buff
Bagwell) v. I HATE KONNAN - Konnan is
so stupid, he doesn't even wear his own shirt. Not that I'm complaining,
well maybe, but this is the first match in like a half hour. I confess, I
didn't watch this match. Tony tries one more time to get me to go off.
"If you're thinking about changing channels to our competition, we want to
let you know that unlike us, they've got their show in the can, their
show's been taped - later tonight, Mick Foley, who's once wrestled here as
Cactus Jack, is gonna win their world title. I mean - that's gonna be
their World Champion - ha, ha! ... I mean, we're here live every night,
they're not." I think he added "except opposite Thursdays, Saturdays, and
WorldWide" under his breath, but you couldn't hear it. This particular
matchup happened last week, of course, so I feel the need to not bother
with play-by-play. Tony again says that every Monday they'll be live. I
forget, that last time a taped RAW went up against their live show, didn't
that taped show win? Oh, not that it matters. Tony is now saying "LIVE"
as if he were Sam Donaldson on "PrimeTime." Konnan has come back with his
pulled-out-my-ass offense and is putting on the Tequila Sunrise but Buff
is in with the belt - even though it's Konnan hitting Buff and not the
other way around, Robinson calls for the bell anyway. Doubleteam is on
Konnan, Steiner throws out Robinson (another spectacular Charles Robinson
bump - that man is going to Tommy Young himself this year if he doesn't
watch it) - the NWO
REF is out and the Steiner Recliner is on. Steiner
has a chair and whacks away with impugnity. THIS IS THE COOLEST MATCH
EVER! (DQ
4:01)

Souled out promo.

WRATH ATH v. BAM BAM
BIGELOW - Eric finally speaks! "Goldberg's jail
bait." Huh? Wrath finally decides he's sick of me not giving him any ink
and takes the mic. He says he knows the people paid to see him drop the
thermonuclear meltdown on the dome - and he doesn't have a problem with
that, his problem is "no competition." So he issues an open challenge,
and out comes Bigelow. Hmmm, wonder where this is going. Staredown,
Wrath with the Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine bit, again, kick, whip,
they meet in the center and no one moves. Wrath off the ropes, no one
moves. Bigelow kicks, Eric says "jail bait" again, headbutt, right, whip,
Wrath ducks and hits a lariat of his own. Right hand takes him down. Bam
Bam ducks and pulls the top rope and Wrath goes outside. Head to the
apron, forearm from Bigelow, elbow to the back of the head. Eric says
"prison punk." Now they're brawling on the outside. Wrath's head meets
the STEEL post. Mickey Jay is counting awfully slow which means no double
countout I guess. Back in we finally go. It's all Bigelow. Wrath's head
meets turnbuckle, reverse, knee to the gut, knee, knee, kick, kick,
Bigelow takes the leg finally, legwhip, headbutt, kick. Bigelow puts him
on the outside again but he lands on his feet. Head meets the STEEL
barricade. Wrath whipped into the apron. Head to the barricade again.
Wrath finally fires back with punches. Chop (woooo!), chop (woooo!), Jay
is outside to try to break it up. Knees to the gut by Wrath. Poundin'.
One more clubbing blow to the back and now it's Bigelow's turn. Elbows.
Right hand. Head to the STEEL. And again. Wrath thrown back in, Bigelow
has a chair. Elbow to the head by Bigelow. Jay exhorts Bigelow to not
use that chair in here. Hey, is Bigelow in WCW now? Wrath counters the
whatever with a back bodydrop, now they're both outside again. Jay
follows when he SHOULD be counting to ten. Bigelow tries a chair shot but
Wrath ducks it. Jay is shoved trying to keep the two from fighting on the
outside - Bigelow pushes him away. They're still brawling as the bell
sounds (DQ? no contest?
3:57) "No more wrestling match, it's erupted into
a brawl." Oh, REALLY, Tony. Crowd is booing as they all brawl into the
back Where the Camera Dare Not Tread.

The detectives talk to Liz one more time, and ask her to tell her story
one more time. This time it was at the Coke machine. "Was it a Pepsi
from the Coke machine, or a Coke from the Pepsi machine? Don't all the
wrestlers stay at the same hotel? Doesn't Goldberg own that gym? Ma'am,
you've been looking at your watch the whole time, can I see that watch?"
They catch her in the red tights business. They remind her that
falsifying a report is a federal offense, and so is perjury. They're
going outside to talk one more time, but Liz finally admits that she
probably must have just made the whole thing up to wreck Goldberg's title
shot and she's sorry to have wasted their time and possibly Goldberg's.
The only thing I can offer about this whole bit is Liz looks pretty good.

Of course, by my watch, there's a half hour left....well...

Bruise Cruise ad, aboard the M.S. Ecstasy (the HUH?) in May and I'm not
going. Uh uh.

This portion of WCW Monday Nitro is brought to you by SKITTLES!

Hey look, it's the Nitro Girls! SuperBrawl will once again strike the Bay
Area in '99. Can't wait. (too watch it at home)

JERRY GLANVILLE
is in the house. Eric Bischoff is snoozing.

The graphic identifies Bischoff correctly, but for some reason Bobby
Heenan is "LARRY ZBYSZKO." Oops.

BRIAN ADAMS (He cuts like a knife)
(with Vincenzo) v. DIAMOND DALLAS PAGE
- Attendance is announced as 40,401. Page walks
to the ring through the
crowd because he's a suck-up. Lockup, Adams has him, Page counters,
Hall-like shoudlerblocks, Adams throws him down. Page knocks him down.
Adams with a relly cool open-handed slap. Back and forth, Page with a
slap of his own. Combination, Adams ducks out. Page teases a pescado
until he's sure Adams is gonna be there to catch him. Going back in,
Vincent holds on so Adams can stomp all over him. Whip into the opposite
corner, right, Page goes outside, Vincent gets a blow in. And one more,
why not. Adams is still on him as we take a (why?) commercial break.

Hey, I bet Page wins! When we come back, Page is getting out of a hold of
some sore, but Adams takes him down. Page with a clothesline. Tony says
"live" again. Shoulderblock by Page. Dueling hiptoss attempts, swinging
neckbreaker by Page. Vincent distracts Randy Anderson and Adams hits a
Golotta. PILEDRIVER! 1, 2, no. Oh yeah, what was I thinking. Page gets
in a right, and another, but Adams hits the eyes. Bearhug by Adams. Arm
falls once, arm falls twice, arm doesn't fall thrice. Bell clap by Page,
tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Page - 1, 2, no. I ain't falling for it,
don't bother. Whip, hiptoss attempt is countered into a - bulldog? Both
men down. Both men up. Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine. Punch. Discus
lariat? Okay. Adams catches Page and delivers an atomic drop. Adams
with a punch, whip, back elbow by Page, Vincent holds on but Page KO's him
with one blow (of course), then hits a Diamond Cutter out of nowhere (of
course) to get the pin (of course) (8:58) Tony has the GALL to
call it "a
new variation of the Diamond Cutter." That match was about nine minutes
too long. Page goes out through the crowd 'cause he's a suck-up. Replay
of the mighty punch - the leap off the rope into the Diamond Cutter, and
the pin.

Since we still have that camera at the precinct, let's go see Jack deliver
the good news of Liz dropping the charges to Goldberg. "Take these cuffs
OFF of me. Take me to the dome." Wow, it took (checking watch) TWENTY
minutes from the time Liz dropped the charges to the time they told
Goldberg! There's only one explanation for this strange occurence: every
television at the precinct must have been tuned to RAW!

Seven to the hour - it's MICHAEL
BUFFER
time! Buffer sucks up to the
crowd by reminding us that the Atlanta Falcons are the NFC West champions
(that's right, the FALCONS, not the 49ers, the FALCONS, the FALCONS, the
FALCONS, the FALCONS are my NEW *favourite* football team) For the third
time tonight the smell of Voodoo Chili wafts through the GeorgiaDome even
as Goldberg is en route (or so they say). Hogan has changed into a shiny
top and is accompanied by Big Poppa Pump. The words "NWO Hollywood" are
said again for the first time in over a month. Nash is alone, and doesn't
have "WCW Heavyweight Champion" under his name in his graphic...hmmm. Of
course, Hogan never HAS graphics - I guess he doesn't need them...hey,
look, there's SCOTT
HALL come out in a Wolfpack T-shirt! They embrace
at the bottom of the ramp. Hmmm, two minutes to the hour - I guess Lawler
was right after all.

BIG POOCHIE (with Scott Hall) v. YOU
KNOW WHO (with Superstar Scott
Steiner) for the WCW World Heavyweight
Championship - "Goldberg" chant is
pretty loud. Tony tells us how live they is (except, of course, on my
coast). Nash with a Hogan-esque T-shirt rip. Come to think of it, when
was the last time Hogan wrestled in a top? Is this the feeling out
process? Ho hum. Referee is Billy Silverman. I can't think of anything
else to kill time here. If they're chanting "Hogan sucks," they must have
turned down the crowd noise. One minute since the bell rang. Nash shoves
Hogan back into the corner, crowd pops. Now into overtime. Hogan tries
to punch - now, gingerly taps him in the pec - Nash drops like a ton of
bricks. Hogan covers - 1, 2, 3????? (1:41) Ladies and gentlemen,
we have a new World Heavyweight Champion. Bischoff finally breaks his
silence to congratulate the NEW World Champ as we see the cop car arrive
in the back, Goldberg gets out, rushes the ring, takes out Steiner, Hall,
Nash, and finally Hogan gets him with the belt and now he's raining down
punches on him. Whip, reverse, spear. LEX LUGER is out (hmmm),
holy
crap! He ATTACKS Goldberg! Bischoff: "Oh my goodness! How can this
be?" Luger racks him. Looks like Luger has jumped to - to - well, where
are we now? LIZ
is out. Hall has his taser again - it really needs Da
Mountie's sound effect but I'll let it go. Bischoff can't be stopped from
talking now. BUFF
BAGWELL is out. Spraypaint cans are out. "NWO 4
Life" spraypainted in red, his head spraypainted black and red. The WCW
title is spraypainted red - "NWO" - one more time. And we're gone.

Fans, as Hollywood Hogan stands in the centre of the ring and you look at
forty thousand plus on hand, if you even THOUGHT about changing the
channel to our competition, fans, please do, because I understand that
Hollywood Hogan, who wrestled there one time as Hulk Hogan, is gonna win
the World title - hoh! That's gonna put some butts in the seats, hyeh.
I mean - that's gonna be their World Champion - ha, ha!