October 11, 2012

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Preening in front of a floor-to-ceiling mirror in one of the White House's dustier upstairs hallways, President Barack Hussein Obama prepared for the next debate with his tooth-sucking and lie-spewing rival, Mitt Romney, by getting pretty before getting fucked. Scheduled for 16 October 2012, the next debate will focus on hot-button societal issues such as whether or not lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans-gender (LGBT) Americans should have the same rights as their heterosexual fellow citizens and whether or not female Americans should be able to decide to have growths removed – legally and safely – that are physically attached to their reproductive organs. (The editorial team here at Mentiri Factorem Productions would like to point out that neither liesmith nor americanifesto supports late-term abortions, merely the right of a woman to abort a fetus before it has become recognizable as such.)

“I like to look pretty when I get fucked,” the President said as he applied brightly-colored eyeliner with a passive-aggressive swooping motion. “I went into the first debate looking a mess; I didn't mind when that angry Caucasian violated my filthy dirt-hole, but I wish I could have had a moment to make sure my mascara wasn't runny before bending over backwards and getting boned like a worthless little man-child.” Sources close to the commander in chief note that, as soon as his rectum had finally stopped bleeding, he began asking for better foundation and mumbling about voter turnout in swing states.

“Rectum?” said Mitt Romney. “Damn near killed 'em.” Here, the multi-millionaire yacht owner and Republican candidate for president, whose party plans to add parts of the Christian bible's old testament to the Constitution of the United States of America, pauses to laugh hysterically. “Beg pardon. But seriously, I loosened that boy's ass up pretty good, so next time, when I give him a slice of this Mormon's pound-cake, he'll be ready for it, 'cuz last time, he cried a lot, and looked plain ugly. It pleases me to no end to hear that he plans to look nice for our next debate – I like my pansies to have put a smidgen of time into their appearances before I ruin them for everyone else.” As soon as the last reporter was escorted from his opulent campaign rooms, Mitt put on three more woolen sweaters and restarted an audio recording of the book Presidenting For Dummies.