Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Could I be any more tired of Chris Brown's existence?

Since all I do these days is work and watch old "FRIENDS" re-runs on TV, I started thinking about one of the most underrated sitcom characters in recent memory: Ross Geller. I don't think, in the shadow of all that is wonderful about Joey and Chandler (and yes, they are wonderful and hilarious), that Ross got enough attention/love. The man is a comic genius all wrapped up in a dinosaur nerd. I may be biased because - like Ross - I love dinosaurs AND have a thing for nerds. However, I think the facts speak for themselves in this case. Let me present some evidence and everyone reading this can decide for themselves (afterward if you still don't think he's hilarious then you're tacky and I hate you).

The "PIVOT!" episode is definitely one of the funniest and most quotable episodes and Ross-moments there is. You can't watch that scene and not die laughing. If you can, then you have no soul. Also, Ross' explanation of this THREE FAILED MARRIAGES - a comedy platform if there ever was one - mixes logic and humor. After all, it's all Nevada's fault. Remember the time he didn't tell Rachel they were still married? My point exactly.

How about the one with the UNAGI?

I could literally go on and on. And so I will, a little.

The Hug and Roll:

- Ross: Now, just as she's about to drift off, you hug her, then you roll her over to
her side of the bed. She still thinks you're just hugging, and you slip away. Hug for her,
roll for you.

Ross & Rachel:

- Rachel: Emma, this is your first Thanksgiving! What are you thankful for? Mommy's boobies?

- Ross: A lot of people are thankful for those.

Ross & the Tanning Salon

The Tanning Salon Guy: Alright Mr. Geller, right this way. So, how dark do you want to be? We have 1, 2, or 3. Ross:Well uh, I like how you look, what are you? The Tanning Salon Guy: Puerto Rican. Ross: Two, I think, a two.

Ross: You sprayed my front twice! The Tanning Salon Guy:[looking surprised] You never turned? Ross:No! I barely even got to three Mississippi. The Tanning Salon Guy: Mississippi? I said count to five. Ross:Mississippilessly?

AND FINALLY:

Ross & the Leather Pants:

There are so many funny moments I could start a whole new blog about it. I won't, but I could. It would be worth it just to go back and remember/laugh at every single hilarious thing he said and did (which was, ironically, everything he said and did).

--

On a heavier and more depressing note, Chris Brown made headlines this week with a new neck tattoo that is guaranteed to scare the crap out of any female who ever decides to look at him ever again. Aside from the ASSAULT CHARGES that resulted from that time HE BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF RIHANNA, Chris Brown is a scary looking dude on a normal day, but this tattoo just takes it to a whole new level.

He claims that it is not, in fact, a picture of the girl he beat the crap out of but something entirely different. He claims, "I'm an artist and this is art. Dia de los Muertos." He is referencing the Mexican Day of the Dead, a celebration held on Nov. 1. I call bullshit on this. Have you looked closely at that tattoo? If you haven't I can tell you that IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE RIHANNA, with a beaten and bloody face, much like that time Brown used her as a punching bag.

Look at that and tell me it's not her. That's right, you can't. Dear Chris Brown, you sir, are an A-HOLE and should probably stop existing. Also, please go change your hair color back to something found in nature. Thanks.

This is a picture of a sugar skull, the item that his tattoo is "modeled after":

I think it looks more like Rihanna than that skull. Let's be honest, when will Chris Brown stop being relevant? I vote for five minutes ago.

And so, the verdict is in...Ross Geller for President, Chris Brown for #1 person I'd love to see disappear.