Friday, March 11, 2011

Not only is it a year ago today that I lost my Grammy, but now Tom called and said he is hiring a lawyer for our divorce. SERIOUSLY?! He KNOWS what today is and it is JUST LIKE him to do this. He's showing NO emotion about it except for anger. I told him, "If you want this to be an amicable divorce, then you can STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE TO ME!" Everything just became real. I guess I've been in denial. How could someone who loved you for so long just give up?? My heart is shattered, my emotions are out of control...someone just PLEASE shoot me. Will I ever find love again? Will I ever fulfill my dream of being a mother? I am doubting EVERYTHING.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

This is a really hard challenge because music is my life...for yesterday's "favorite song", I could have posted AT LEAST 20. But, I'm deciding to do this challenge according to what I like and don't like RIGHT NOW. So, as of right now, I really can't stand this song:

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Today has not been a good day for me so far...and it's only 12:30pm. I do not want to go into detail, as it is pretty personal, but I'm sure I'll tell you if you ask. Now I'm just trying to rest and watch the Bears/Seahawks game...not that I really care about either team. I am happy that the Packers won last night though.

Friday, January 14, 2011

So, I submitted a very good resume and application to Fidelity yesterday afternoon. My friend Rachel said I had a very good shot at getting the job. This morning, I woke up to an e-mail saying, "Although your background and experience are impressive, we will not be pursuing you." Rachel called me after I e-mailed her with the news and told me there's only one reason that she can think of that they would reject me so quickly. She didn't tell me what it was because it was in a voicemail, but I have a feeling that it's because I have a bad financial history. That really pisses me off if that's the case because that has NOTHING to do with how I would perform at this job. Yeah, I've made numerous mistakes with bank accounts and have had bank accounts written off and sent to collections, but I am better with money now and I REALLY wanted this job. I understand it's in the financial industry, but it has to do with investments and helping people with them. Why does my financial history have to have anything to do with my abilities to perform the job well?! I had hope and now I am back again to having none.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

So, my friend Rachel from my Hopeful Hearts group works at Fidelity. They have AMAZING health insurance and it's an extremely good company to work for. She asked me to e-mail her my resume, so I did. She said it looks great and she will be speaking to the hiring manager today about me!!! PLEASE pray that I get this job! I need it badly and need the health insurance more than I can tell you.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I've been looking for a job for a while now and it seems like there is NOTHING out there. It is beyond frustrating filling out applications, messing with my resume, calling possible employers, and getting NOTHING. However, my friend Rachel works for Fidelity (which has INCREDIBLY GOOD health insurance that I badly need) and told me she would get my resume to the top of the pile. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I really hope I can get a job there. It'll be a drive as they don't have an office near Denton, but hopefully it'll be worth it. In the meantime, if you know of any jobs out there, PLEASE let me know!!!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I don't know what it is today, but I CANNOT wake up. I've been out with my mom to run errands and everything and I'm still exhausted. I got a good night's sleep, too...it's probably because it's "that time of the month".

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my dearest Grammy. She passed away in March unexpectedly. I was SO incredibly close to her. We talked all the time on the phone and just always clicked so well. She understood everything I was going through and always had words of encouragement and comfort. She, seriously, was the best person that has ever existed. She had a heart of gold and never said anything bad about anyone. She found the good in everyone. I can still hear her voice. There are times when I just sit and sob because I miss her so much and can't believe she is no longer with us. I'm crying right now as I write this. Oh Grammy, you are loved so deeply by so many. There is a void in this world without you in it. I know you heard the boys and I sing at your funeral...even though it was through tears and incredibly hard to do. That was all for you and you gave us the strength to do that. I love how I have your singing voice. You had the voice of an angel. I love that you sang bass and I always tried to sing as low as you...I almost matched it, too! I miss the slimy cheese we would have on road trips to Bloomington. I miss staying with you on Wysong Drive. I miss EVERYTHING. I had a dream not too long ago where you came to me and let me know you are okay...that was so comforting. I know exactly where you are and I know you're showing up all the angels with your singing! I also know you're singing with Grampa Wendell, which is AMAZING. I miss you both so much. I promise you that I will try more often to get a hold of Grampy on the phone. I can't imagine what he's going through without you...after 60+ years of marriage. I wish I could hug you one more time. I wish I could kiss you one more time. I wish I could smell you one more time. You will forever be in my heart and I will tell my children and grandchildren about you...you will NEVER EVER EVER be forgotten. I love you with all my heart.

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise, and love."

I belong to a group called Hopeful Hearts. It is a group through The Village Church. It is a group of women who have experienced or are experiencing miscarriages and infertility. I went to a dinner at laMadeleine last night with some of them. It was so encouraging, as always, and really helps to be around women who are going through some of the same things I am. We usually meet on the first Monday of every month, but this month we're meeting at the end, so our leaders decided to have a dinner in between meetings. I was really nervous to go, as I have only met the ladies once, but I am so happy that I did. They are such strong Christians with such encouraging words of strength. One of the women is having her first IVF (invitro fertilization) next Tuesday, so please keep her in your prayers.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Sometimes angels have a way of making bright the darkest day,for God is always well aware when you need His extra care.Their journey and their mission start from the center of God's heart,oh, so generous and kind; you are always on His mind.For in His love He will select a guardian angel to protectand keep you safe when danger's near; so trust Him, and let go of fear.My Nonny sent a guardian angel pin and cross with wings pin home with my Mom for me. They both have sapphires on them, my birthstone. They are beautiful and this poem was on the cross pin. Good to remember because I definitely need His extra care during this time in my life.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

It's SNOWING!!! I LOVE snow! It usually doesn't happen in Texas...it makes me feel like I am home. My best friend Katy got in an accident though on her way to work. I talked to her on the phone before she opened the studio and she was really shaken up. She hydroplaned, spun all the way around on the highway facing oncoming traffic and ran into the concrete divider. Luckily, she's ok and there's only a dent in the car! Enjoy the beautiful snow everyone!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Today it feels great outside, so Tom and I decided to take the girly girls to the dog park! We haven't been in a couple months, so it was a lot of fun, as always. Delia played a lot and is now about to fall asleep and Mandy stuck with us for the most part because she doesn't really like other dogs...just people. lol I forgot my camera, so I don't have any pics, but here is one of Delia and one of Mandy. = )

Woke up this morning at 8:30. Messed around on the computer, took a shower, did my makeup. Have plans to go to the dog park here in Denton before the COLTS game, but apparently Tom's ass isn't up yet. So I've been calling him trying to wake him up and just sitting here waiting...patience is NOT one of my strong suits. lol Hopefully he wakes his ass up soon! The girls and I have been waiting for hours now. If the Colts don't win tonight, it's going to be a very shitty week. Yes, that's how much I love the Colts and how much they affect my mood. At least I don't break shit when they lose...even though I'd like to. lol Have a great weekend everybody!

Live by your own light ~ Shine by your own star ~ Do what you always wanted to do with your life ~ Envision the gift that you are ~ Climb up the hills of your hopes and dreams ~ Take whatever steps you need to take ~ You can't get to the top if you don't try, and it's a journey you should definitely make.

Try to find more time in your life ~ Do it just for you ~ The people you love and care about will be rewarded with your happiness, too ~ When the calendar is far too full ~ Keep the days from flying by ~ Remember your youth when time took forever ~ Rediscover that child inside.Spend part of every day just doing something you'd like to do ~ Today will never come again, and yesterday is through ~ The secret (if you'd like to know) to finding happiness ~ Is knowing that it's all around and that your life is blessed ~ By being in this moment and living a day at a time ~ You have access to every gift that will make your sunlight shine ~ Brighten your world with friendships and love and wishes on a star.

Make the most of every day and celebrate all that you are.-Douglas Pagels

Friday, January 7, 2011

To be who you are is to be enough.To share who you are is to share enough.To do what you love is to do enough.There is no race to winand nothing to be proven.Only dreams to be nurtured,a self to be expressed,and love to be shared.

Never doubt your worth,and always know,without any doubt,that you are truly valued.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

There is a window in your heart through which you can see God. Once upon a time that window was clear. Your view of God was crisp. You could see God as vividly as you could see a gentle valley or hillside.

Then, suddenly, the window cracked. A pebble broke the window. A pebble of pain.And suddenly God was not so easy to see. The view that had been so crisp had changed.

You were puzzled. God wouldn't allow something like this to happen, would He?When you can't see Him, trust Him...Jesus is closer than you've ever dreamed.

Sometimes it seems that our dreamsCrumble in our hands.We think that we have failedAnd that all we triedSo hard to attainWill now always staySlightly out of reach.But one failure cannotCrumble the dreamsThat years of hard work And dedication have built. So hold on to your dreams.Believe in yourself.And you will find that a Bright tomorrowWaits just around the next turn.You will be successful. And your dream will come true...Just keep believing.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Our lives are made up of a million moments, spent in a million different ways. Some are spent searching for love, peace, and harmony. Others are spent surviving day to day. But there is no greater moment than when we find that life, with all its joys and sorrows, is meant to be lived one day at a time.

It's in this knowledge that we discover the most wonderful truth of all. Whether we live in a forty-room mansion, surrounded by servants and wealth, or find it a struggle to manage the rent month to month, we have it within our power to be fully satisfied and live a life with true meaning. One day at a time -- we have that ability, through cherishing each moment and rejoicing in each dream. We can experience each day anew, and with this fresh start we have what it takes to make all of our dreams come true. Each day is new, and living one day at a time enables us to truly enjoy life and live it to the fullest.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I know I said I was going to be more positive this year...but do you really know how hard that is with all the shit I'm going through? All the hurt? All the pain? All the unknown? I'm trying...but today, it has not been my day. I was informed today that it is going to be a very long time that we are separated...unless I change rapidly. How the hell am I supposed to change and why should I want to?? I was told that I didn't work towards a future with him...why, because I didn't have a job very often? Do you know how hard it is to hold a job with major depressive disorder and anxiety?? Even my psychiatrist said that it would be a HUGE feat for me to have a job. But, apparently, if I want to be with my husband, that's what I have to do. He has no CLUE how this disease works and what it does to someone...

No, I never saw that movie. lol I am, however, on prozac on top of 2 other antidepressants. He had upped my dose to 50mg from 25mg and it was making me seriously sleepy to where I was going to bed at 8pm and way worse depression-wise. I am now back on 25mg as of today (the first day I remembered to lower it) and feel somewhat energized and not as depressed. Thank GOD!

Monday, January 3, 2011

The past 2 nights, I have gone to bed by 9pm...I think this prozac is kicking my butt. I take it around 3pm each day and ever since he upped the dose, it's been knocking me out. That's the last thing I need! BUT, at least I'm getting sleep. I woke up at 8 this morning and am still exhausted. I can't ever seem to get the right amount of sleep to not be tired.

On an extremely positive note: the COLTS won yesterday!!!! We are going to the playoffs for the 8th straight year!!! Whoooo!!! I had tears in my eyes as Vinateiri kicked the winning field goal...it was beautiful! Way to go HORSE!!!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

I have no idea what this year is going to bring or what God has planned for me. I do know that I am going to try to be more positive....which is a feat, especially when you have depression. I spent New Year's Eve with loved ones and with a couple of people I didn't really know. We had a lot of fun...I drank WAY too much...and I got lots of kisses at midnight, including one from my husband. I ended up passing out on the couch...probably because I ate the last coconut rum soaked pineapple and the rule is you have to drink the rest of the rum that is in the container. I got props for doing it, but MAN, that really got the job done. haha Tom ended up in his truck with it running for some reason. He was way too drunk! I left at 6am after I had slept it off a little. Had to go back to Katy's at 11:30 in the morning to jumpstart Tom's truck. He called and asked, "How did I end up in my truck covered in puke?" HAHAHA Because you drank too much!!! I went back to the apartment with him to make sure he was ok and got there safely. Ended up sleeping until 7:30pm. So how was my first day of 2011? I have no idea...I spent it asleep. lol Happy New Year, everyone! I truly hope it is a blessed year for all of you...and hopefully for me as well!