A Truth

I sit before this screen thinking about the things I’d like to talk about. The rush of ideas come fast and furious. I could surely wax poetic on any number of things; I could rant on any number of issues as well. There are injustices a plenty that I could champion.

The screen remains empty.

I make my breakfast and pour another cup of coffee. I gaze out the window at a frozen world. It’s beautiful.

The view from my home on Dec 26, 2016

I’m wrapping up a challenging year that was preceded by a few tough years. I was asked a question at dinner with friends last night ‘What did you take from those experiences, what did you learn?’

Now this was in reference to my bout with cancer and the treatment provided. It could well apply to the vehicle accident that followed as well.

I responded that we need to ask questions and be kind to ourselves. And indeed we do. The question remains though. ‘What did I learn from this?’

And the screen, while I’ve jotted down these thoughts, no answer is readily coming.

Vancouver from the Ferry in September 2016

I entered 2016 in the metaphorical darkness of depression. I had felt the all too familiar slide begin. In truth, I’d been fighting this for quite some time. 2015 had begun with promise.

I was working out with a trainer and running with my group again wanting to take back my health after the cancer thing . The vehicle accident kibosh-ed my progress. The pipes in my building flat lined and the building had to be re-piped. For 3 months no hot water. I was attending physiotherapy and the bills began to mount.

My job was stressful yet I kept at it. Despite the pain, despite the overwhelming cost to fix our building I was beginning to slip. I’ve never experienced a back injury before and physically my condition was not improving. I would try to do things, but just walking was an agonizing thing at times.

A moon to remember

I was living with pain daily. I wasn’t sleeping. And I was still recovering from the effects of chemo and radiation.

‘What did I learn from all of this?’

Still an empty screen to this question.

Fear crept in. Was I going to lose everything I’d worked so hard for? In many ways I felt completely impotent regarding the direction my life was going.

Did I talk about any of this with anybody? No.

In my mind, to give it voice would give these feelings validity. I was in denial. My financial safety net was gone to the renovations in my building.

I then lost my job.

The quicksand I call depression was pulling me, enveloping me…my strength was gone.

Sunset December 2016 in Steveston

All of the avenues I’d been exploring…meditation, energy healing, etc. were no longer viable options for me. My head and heart weren’t there. I was in that all too familiar dark place.

In 2016 I sold my place and recovered some of my costs, though I still have debt, it is now manageable.

I found a condo that is now more of a home than my previous place. I found another job which I really like.

And a few months back I emerged from the mantle of depression.

What have I learned from all this?

Perhaps this is an ongoing lesson. Perhaps the answer has many layers to it.

One thing though, despite the darkness I appreciated and admired every morning that I’ve been graced with.

I still stop and stand in awe of a luminous moon rise and always let those who I’ve been so blessed to have in my life know it.

And I will never give up on myself. I will never give in to the pain of the past.

There is a balance between the dark and the light that must be found and met.

I will focus on wellness in 2017. I will ask for the help that I do in fact need and look to heal and strength my person.

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4 thoughts on “A Truth”

Dear Nancy,
I So enjoy reading your musings and seeing the pictures that you include…whether via Facebook or your blog! Your skillful word “paintings” are beautiful and create a peaceful feeling within me when I read them. You have come through so much and still have a loving and gentle way about you. You are an amazing woman and I am proud to know you! I am learning something from you all the time.
Love and hugs to you and I wish you the very, very best for every aspect of your life in 2017.
Lori

Love your stories NANCY and a big HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR to you also. You are an amazing woman. We love you. Hope to see you at some functions hon. Your smile is generating to us all. A few of the group need your contagious smile. Keep on smiling hon