Access Bank

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Dear LIB readers: My fiance doesn't believe in love

From a LIB reader

Every time I tell my fiance I love him, he tells me to get real. He told me recently that he doesn't believe in love, not interested in it and not looking for it. All he wants is a woman he can spend the rest of his life with in peace, a woman who will give him children and no troubles and that woman is me. What's that supposed to mean? He doesn't love me?

Well, he chose you, that must mean something, right? What do you guys think...

128 comments:

Linlin so she should wear a crown of thorns because he choose her abi?? He doesn't believe in love but what if love accidentally finds him after he has married her. What becomes of her then? Let her follow her heart, if she believes she can make him fall for her, then let her forge ahead with the marriage. Babes .O.

I love ur man serious,straight to d point. To me love exists only on d 96th page of Oxford dictionary. after a terribly broken heart am so scared to love again,knowing fully well dat anything can happen.

Love is necessary in any successful marriage. Anyone you want to be serious with you, you just have to love, no other way about that. In due time you must just grow to start loving the person even if the love wasn't there in the first place.

He already chose you and you are whining?? Jeez, some girls and their drama..this guy wont know he is about make a mistake chosing another drama queen.Better calm down if this is the only issue you have with him. That guy may not believe in love but already loving you without him knowing.

She better runs out# I love my wife and wud always do!!! guys always have a doubt but putting it on her face# that guy wud beat u, give u STD and finally make ur life miserable. Don't work on him, cus u are not his shrink and won't be!!!

well i guess the guy is only asking you to prove that love you claim you have by staying by him no matter the situation for the rest of his life....he definitely has reason not to believe in the mere words of i love you....experience must have taught him a lesson...for him love is by action now..so prove it

I don't think I can be in such a loveless relationship. Looks like Ÿ̲̣̣̣̥ø̲̣̣̥u̶̲̥̅̊ really do have to get real n face it. He's settling for Ÿ̲̣̣̣̥ø̲̣̣̥u̶̲̥̅̊. He aint crazy about Ÿ̲̣̣̣̥ø̲̣̣̥u̶̲̥̅̊ in no way at all. Uuurgh!Don't evn wanna think of how Ÿ̲̣̣̣̥ø̲̣̣̥u̶̲̥̅̊ got to the fiancee /fiancé stage.

Why do ladies keep shouting love? Most men don't really believe in love because many folks who talk about it don't really know what it is.. And for those who said she should leave d dude,smh.. What if he says he loves her and beat her up at every instance? Women are complicated I swear but we can't do without y'al

My dear.. The people that preach the luv myt treat u worse than him oh... A lot of times, all we care about is sme1 that ll say "I luv u" but vocal expressions shod b the least of our worries... Him Sein u as a woman that is peaceful n he can imagine you carrying his kids.. Nne u guys dated ba.. It could be luv he's feeling.. He just doesnt know it. Think of he compatible the both of you r. N how patient and hardworking he is.. How much he ll help u grow and develop.. Then we can tok luv

if he cares for you, .....I think u can go ahead with him...if u are also friends, makes it much better....bcos in d end love doent really matter....d ultimate thing is can he give me peace...r u friends...I know couples that are still together because of their friendship....not d love...

I think he Loves you. Just scared to admit it. Why did he choose you? I think he hates the drama that comes with being emotional and using those 'mushy mushy' words *Yes some men are scared of em words*. Love gives, Love cares, Love shares, Love sacrifices.....forget the word "Love". Look at how he treats you. Or would you rather a man who sings about how much he loves you and treats you terribly? Maybe? Maybe not? #Women&Words# Phew

My humble advise is to be patient with him. However pls u need to observe if he respects and treat u well. I actually like the guy for being truthful. Many men will profess love for a woman but cheats on her and even get violent with her. Why not play ur part by supporting and encourage him and allow him to fall for u.

I think your bf is right from his point of view. Whether that is love, I do not know. Picture it this way,you are a 28years old lady, have been through the whole experience of love and relationships.Been hurt in the past and learnt your lessons. Now, as you grow older, with all your accomplishments, you begin to look for those traits in a man that you think are critical for a perfect relationship, like career,education,goals,appearance et al. These are all good traits no doubt. My question now is, would you call this love, knowing that these are all tangibles that will either stay or wither?

The truth is that as we grow older, we tend to focus on tangibles that we think help define how the state of our feelings should be. That is not love. Unfortunately, that's the reality on ground today. We tend to crush for people that posses the things we need, and when those things are no longer there, we resent them.

Your boyfriend has reached that stage in his life where he knows that there are certain things he needs in his life to make him stay with a woman. I mean, certain qualities, and you happen to posses those things. If that is love, I do not know, but he is just being realistic. He wants kids and sees you as the perfect woman to be the mother of his kids.Therefore he is sticking around with you.Respect that for it means he values and respects you. He has played,searched,sampled and settles for you......If that to him is love, so be it.

My point here is that as we grow older and begin to set standards on how our partner should be or look like, it's no longer love because these are tangible things that we control. And when those things are not there, and we are tested, will we be there to whether the storm?

My dear does he treat you right? If not please run... He has found a mumu that would keep quiet and tolerate him...hw close r u guys?...he has tld beforehand meaning even if you get married nd he cheats on u..u have no right to complain.... Are u ready fr a marriage with a selfishh man? Bcos since he doesn't believe in love he wnt go the extra mile to make u happy... He has warned beforehand you either take a life of sorrow or not... Trust me I've been with such a guy in a relationship and it was bcos I was too nice he saw me as mumu that would tolerate his rubbish..*nyways I had to run couldn't cope .. Better to be on d same page if nt leave

Your man seems to have been scarred with the word "love" before....so talk to him! He might be trying to tell you something...maybe he believes you are just using the word loosely, and dont really mean IT!!!Sometimes it's meaningless to just say "I love you"...You gotta PROVE IT!!!...maybe that's what he meant!!!

If it's d heart-lifting, heady, butterflies-in-d-stomach one dat places a silly grin on ur face when u think of d person - then that's nuthin but a hormonal rush.

It rarely lasts to produce substantial benefits. It's d kinda feelin dat wuld make one refuse to eat for days if d lover were upset with one; or fling one's body off a 10-storey building if d lover quit d relationship.

D one dat makes one able to remain objective enuf to actually scold one's lover yet still carry on a regular life is what is desirable.

Like how you love ur sibling, or close friend. You are able to be firm wthout being scared to death over d outcome.

So maybe he loves u like dat, and not like d first type. Which shuld make u relieved! But knowing women as dey are, u'd probably rather d heady, one-minute type!

Try and break him, he may love u, but just affraid to addmit it, Mayb all those he has claim to love, end up leaving him, so his Just affraid of letting u go. Which one do u even prefer btw liars who lied to love then end up breaking the heart, or the person that he's truthful.find out sha he has something to hide

Pls I beg you run, after you are married and with kids, he will divorce you and tell you he found love with one small girl that does not have half of what you have.be smart!marriage without love is just like settling for less.

Sounds like my ex, guys like dt go in and outta relationships, even if they say they wanna settle down,. My dear u're just a phase in his life. Oh and don't think u can make him fall in love with u, I wasted 2 yrs of my life doin dt, it didn't happen ... Good luck

Am a woman and I like realistic relationships I am like him if I can care appreciates values u den leave d drama of saying dat I love u! If u love me and am. Dying in hunger matreatment nko? A man dat loves u wiill give u peace and peace brings children , joy, happiness, long life, trust, pls wat is d meaning of love? If he promises u peace then he has given u unconditional love u dat is crying like u love him so much can u die for him? Can u give him ur kidney? Can u go hungry wt him? Excuse u wt dat stupid love and marry him b4 u become an ex, husband no deyoooo! Love ko love ni? Mrs lover! Ode!!!

He is not an emotional person doesn't mean he doesn't care abt u.some pple claim to be realists,and besides I don't even blame them,cos this thing called luv has caused pple so much pain!If u are looking for show of emotions like in titanic,u better leave dis guy ASAP!else get real!

I tink he loves u in his own way but scared to admit cause of past hurts,if he treats u d way u wan to,then take a deep breathe.Am happily married,wen I was dating my hubby I was always over him but now we re married he jus can't leave me alone.Jus keep on praying.

Hmmmmmm!! That's a big one. I think he's choosing u cos u provide a sort of comfort zone for him. I had this class governor that had this "principle" of not believing in love until he this lady. Point is... He's fallen for her and his attitude even changed since they started dating.However scared u are of love... When u meet that special someone who is worth it, u wud admit it without hesitation.He's chosen u means a lot but not admitting he loves u means a lot more.

Babes,if this guy care about u,go ahead n marry him. He must have had experience of pretence in form of love. All dat matters is the personality of the guy not lip sayin #love# not meant. but watch if he doesn't care n have a quay attitude take to ur heels, so u don't end with four kids after 13 years og marriage#saD story.

You are on your own. He has spell it out for you, so don't be surprise if you get married and 5 yrs down the line, he decided to have another woman he won't love but give birth to his children.Is funny though, If he doesn't believe in love, how did he propose? when you go on your honeymoon what is gonna happen? what has happened on valentine's day? I mean......

Yes...I second that. It might eventually lead to the case of the girl that wrote how her ex husband didn't treat her the way he's treating his new chic.He might fall in L♥√ع with another girl later. Then where will you be? This has happened to a lot of women out there. My L♥√ع, please run as fast as your legs can carry you.

Only u can effectively and sincerely psyco-analyze your own situation my dear... Be sure you are not the one forcing yourself on him...Wether he says he believes in love or not, the way he treats u will tell u just how much u mean to him.. #Father Tosibe..

Babes,if you know what is good for you,RUN,don't just run,run very far away from this man...when he said he doesn't believe in L♥√ع ,he meant it...He doesn't L♥√ع you girl,you'll never be a happy woman if you settle down with this man.Things will only get worse years after marrying him,with kids and other responsibilities..please for your own sake,DON'T!

Dont mind people who tell u to go ahead and marry him bcos wen the heat comes, dey wont be there to suffer d heat with u.im a woman and i think the most saddest thin is to marry a man who dosent lov u. He dosent believe in lov and therefore wont feel it. eVen if u produce 20 children for him. use ur head girl. *im outta here girl# AMAKS.

he doesn't love you, hes only marrying you cause his attracted to you, attraction alone can't hold a marriage, when the attraction is gone after having kids, he will take another wife or start cheating

By the way, for all those saying 'He chose you' means a lot,that's so false...I know a lot of men who just choose to marry a woman with low self esteem cos she'll never stand up to her right no matter what they do and she'd put up with their bullshits with no confrontations whatsoever,they marry such women because they're doormats and nothing more while looking for L♥√ع/fun elsewhere...Anyways,being a doormat is a virtue,not many women are that 'stupid' in these generation,ℓ☺ℓ

If u had ever fall victim of Relationship deceit; that's only when u can understand d in debt reason behind what d young man was telling her girl-friend! See, for real LOVE is difficult to get in dis generation of Economic meltdown and Civilisation malady. But, like I've said earlier if u av neva experienced it u will definitely nt understands what I am saying especially d guy dat was referring to someone as GAY.

Most people that use the word LOVE don't even know what it means. Love means different things to different people. Sometimes people don't even know they love someone because they don't experience that butterfly thing....which is CRUSH not Love.

Hmmmmm u still dey ask?? R-U-N. The fact that he choose you isn't a biggie. He can choose any girl and marry her the next day cos all he wants is a baby making and stress relief machine. Not someone to share is life, time, space, everything with (which is what a good marriage entails). He just wants to be a married Mr. Love is a beautiful thing which everyone should pray to experience with someone that genuinely feels the same way. He will meet and fall in love with a chic when you guys are married and dump you like a hot mess. (Ask Mrs Edoho)

Unless it is a marriage of convenience where he gets all he listed (a wife, no troubles..bla bla) and you want financial security (he'll set up a biz for u, provide everything bla bla bla) don't try to marry him. Girls that get into those types of marriages know its short term and get as much as they can from the guy b4 he starts acting up.

Again, that's up to you to decide if you are marrying him cos u care for him or u just like how deep his pocket it. But a guy telling you all that from the onset is a B-A-D S-I-G-N. He can bring girls into ur home and expects "no trouble". Know a couple like that. D guy said he told the girl before marrying her and she agreed so she looks the other way when she sees him with any of his gfs. She gets the money, have kids, and he does whatever makes him happy.

I will be a bit intellectual here and hope you will understand my point.

All aspects of our close relationships reflect our personalities, but perhaps none so strongly as sexuality/love. By the time we reach adulthood, each of us has formed a core set of beliefs and assumptions about our close relationships. Many of these beliefs developed very early in our lives, reflecting the mental images we formed as a result of the way others cared for us.

Sometimes, this maladjusted ways that people project their feelings could be as a result of how they perceive their parents,and hitherto transferring onto their current sex partners.

In brief, Freud’s view of the Oedipal complex for boys, and Electra complex for girls, was that young children want to have sex with their opposite-sex parent. They grow out of this phase when they incorporate society’s taboos into their personalities (the “super-ego”). As adults, they transfer their sexual desires onto age peers, and in so-called normal development, everything runs smoothly from there on out. Those adults who do not make this transition spend their lives trying to re-create the love affairs they wished they could have had with their mothers or fathers.

The mental images you carry of your relationship with your parents or parent figures are not specifically of a sexual nature, but instead reflect the security or insecurity you experienced as an infant while under their care. If you felt that your caregivers would always be there to watch over you, then you will feel comfortable and secure in your close adult relationships. On the other hand, if your caregivers could not be counted on to take care of you or were uninterested in you, then as an adult, you would carry this insecurity over into your closest emotional relationships. Because many of the closest adult relationships people have are potentially with their sexual partners, these feelings of security or insecurity could have a powerful effect on what happens in these relationships. Get my drift???

In a nut shell, both of you have underlying Psychological issues: First, your boyfriend has an avoidant personality dysfunction style, meaning that he is reluctant to become close to you, as in commit to you, for fear of abandonment, which is as result of his growing up. That is why he is not able to show you how he feels deep down. Check his family upbringing.

For you young lady, you have an anxious attachment personality which describes people who tend to become dependent, clingy, and afraid of being left alone. That is why you are worried about being abandoned.

The implication is that both of you no matter how long you've been together, must have had less satisfying sexual experiences, whether you believe it or not. While you the lady experiences less arousal, difficulties lubricating, lack of orgasm, and sexual pain, your boyfriend would constantly deal with issues of erectile dysfunction. And trust me, when things turn bad for both of you, HE WILL WALK. I understand that for you, the lady, because of your fears, you might be using sex as a way to reduce your insecurities and bring him closer to you. Sex no doubt makes you feel loved and valued. But stop, you are only extending the dooms day.Besides, you can't get the satisfaction from him.

lol....I have written so much already. Now that you know your answer, make use of it and THANK ME LATER.

I agree with u, he cld love someone else(if the desirable is not available,d available becomes desirable)wake up and smell d coffee cos guys profess love than ladies do when it starts getting to marriage tinz

I agree with u, he cld love someone else(if the desirable is not available,d available becomes desirable)wake up and smell d coffee cos guys profess love than ladies do when it starts getting to marriage tinz

I thnk d most important thin is fr yu 2 be sure he respects nd values yu,though I wudnt advice yu to settle dwn wth a man yu re nt assured of hs luv 4 yu,nevertheless,if he treats yu well nd dignifies yu,I thnk it wudnt be too bad an idea to consider hm cos he mite nt really mean wat he says. But be wise enuf to understand his vocal nd non vocal xpressions cos dat wll make yu knw wat he really is up to.#dnt be tuu much in a hurry though#........Gods best

Shut the fuck up! Stop deluding people with this tripe. Why should she prove her love to someone that has told her he doesn't love her and doesn't even believe in love?Ladies stop deluding yourselves, deep down when he's not that into you, you know it. Stop making excuses for him. As for madam with issues now you have the information in white and black so choose wisely.

haaaa...I like the guy's thinking, I reason that way as well but then am a woman, once am committed to honor my husband as the Bible directs, I don commit be that o but the Bible tells the husband to love his wife....long and short is what if he suddenly finds this "love" he doesn't believe in someday after you guys are married?? hmmmn!! it'll probably be infatuation but that's how long story will start...odikwa very risky!!

Dearie you want to hear a fair truth? You are obviously a TRUE LOVING WOMAN, you care for him, love him, do the right thing, show him affection and you have decided to stick by him come what may. But, these are the qualities he's seen in you and has "chosen you" to be the mother of his kids,and woman to warm his bed. Sweetie, sit him down and have a real talk with him and i'll bet you, he's either (a)been hurt badly and has decided to cover his emotions (b) he truly truly knows hot to love you but he's afraid of being hurt again (c)He wants so much to love you with all his heart but he's really scared of putting his guard down, so suppressing it is his best option for now. look, know this, when a man loves a woman truly, he, they, MEN! really love. So, find time sit down with him side by side hold him, I can bet you (may take some lengthy minutes) he will open up to you accompanied by some tears. But sweetheart, if you ever joke with his heart, He won't forgive you!

for him to choose you, then you have some qualities he like/love in a lady, just sit him down and ask for the reason he doesn't believe in love, he might have had a bad experience in the past and don't want to involve himself in all this love wahala again, just be patient and maintain the peace he has been enjoying with you

i dunno O! but in trying not to "rock the boat" we play pretend and set ourselves up for a very hard fall. Yes, he "might" change later but think am wella.......what if he doesnt fall head over heels? hmmmmm?

for those saying that he probably cares for her so it's okay, a lot of people that care for me, do i marry all of them? while love is not all that is involved in a marriage, it is the most important factor. don't settle for him because of insecurity and don't let him settle for you because you are convenient. it just seems like he wants the easy life with the perfect wife who gives him kids, makes him food and doesn't argue. unless you want to be feeling empty and lonely 10 years later, i suggest you call off the engagement and talk to him. make sure you know what you're getting into before you waste a good amount of your youth with a man who is just settling for you. you deserve more.

Well I get the guys point...hes just being truth full to her and I feel she should respect dat....saying dis too cause I dunt believe in luv....probably the guy wud hv gone tru tins in d past dat mks him feel dis way....all I can say is if she can cope wiv d guy and she's happy in it den she shud stay...but if she wants d feeling of being loved BK she shud move on...its betta late Dan neva ....she can still meet sum one dat will love her...dats life

this is a very dicey situation,ave seen situations where men talk this way mainly out of insecurity and the fear of being hurt if they let thier guard down and show the woman just how much they love her.infact they can get insanely jealous if they see any other man coming close to u and if for any reason u threaten to leave the relationship and u re serious about it will do anything to make u stay. However there are also some men who truly do not care and believe me marriage to dat kind of man is simply hell on earth and then u wont be able to complain cos he ll say he already told u and u knew what u were getting into so i d say listen to ur heart if u are truly convinced beyond all reasonable doubt that he cares for u and is always and i repeat always fair to u then pls go for him but if he has shown in one way or the other an uncaring or wicked attitude toward u then pls dont

Who are all the hoes here deceiving? Probably themselves. Any man who think there is love is a big MUMU( fool). There is nothing like love. Love is a word coined by people to deceive another person. All these useless girls running after men old enough to be their daddies if not gran daddies and here they are not only shouting but they have become expert on love they are all shouting about love. Love my foot. The only thing a woman love is your purse. 'NO MONEY NO HONEY'. Is that not right?

Actions speaks better than words,my boo has never told me he loves me. But his actions has shown that. Some guys dont just like to say the whole Loving mushy mushy thing. So my dear if you love him and you prayed about it carry go.

Everyones experience is different and the idea of love is different for different people.

That being said, i am a man and i speak for myself. I married for love and i am still in love with my wife. I used to think the same way, never really believed in love, couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with just ONE person... until i met my wife, she completely blind sided me and all this happened more than 10yrs ago. I feel safe with her, she makes me feel like i can do anything as long as she is by my side. We are not "rich" but we are working on it. My wife and i have been through thick and thin, if i loose everything thing tomorrow and i am left with my wife and daughter i will be fine. That is how love makes you feel; you cant imagine your life with anyone else because this person understands you like no other, you always have the other persons best interest at heart, you cant wait to see the person at the end of the day to "gist" with them. If no one knows what what i am talking about then its too bad. Love is a beautiful thing and i would advise men and women not to give up on it.

Girl... Open ur eyes wide... Try leaving him and u'll see d other side... I bet you he'll fall sick within a twinkle of an eye... My hubby was like d@. The day i told him i was leaving him, OMO if u see carttarh from God knows were accompanied wf tears... Dont go any were... Read his body signs...

LOVE MY FOOT. ALL WOMEN TODAY ARE CASH AND CARRY. THAT IS NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH. I REMEMBER WHEN I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING COMPARED TO NOW THAT I HAVE ACHIEVED A LOT. WOMEN HAVE NEEDS AND WHEN THEY SEE A MAN WHO CAN PROVIDE THAT NEED, THEY SAY THEY ARE IN LOVE . IN LOVE WITH WHO, MAYBE WITH THEMSELVES.

I assume, you a doctor. You can try losing your license to practise Medicine and I bet your 'significant other' would leave in a second. My brother, for women it is NO MONEY NO HONEY. Don't be fooled. As long as you are a fertile ground, women will always love you. It is a fact. I have seen it. You should treat your wife well because she is the mother of your child and she somebody' daughter but have it in your mind, that it is no money no honey for a woman. If you are buoyant, women will be easy cake. How do I know? Because I am living it. When they tell me, they love me and they want to be with me till the rest of their lives( which is kind of scary) I just smile. I smiled because they are all fake. I will marry one day but not because one woman is saying she loves me but because she is trustworthy, clean and reliable. Marriage is nothing but a business relationship. It is never based on love and it will never be.

i think he loves you that's why he chose you, but truth is he's been hurt before hence he lost the meaning of love. give him that peace that he wants and shower him with love and be consistent about it, He'll surely recover

i think he loves you that's why he chose you, but truth is he's been hurt before hence he lost the meaning of love. give him that peace that he wants and shower him with love and be consistent about it, He'll surely recover