Five things not to do in court, from wearing a Nazi uniform to faking a heart attack

Never never never turn up to court dressed as Hitler. Especially when it's a hearing to decide whether or not you should get visitation rights to see your daughter. “Prisoners get to see their children, murderers get to see their children. What’s so horrible about being a Nazi?” asked Heath Campbell, the man in question. The answer, of course, is that there’s an awful lot that’s horrible about being a Nazi – but Mr Campbell doesn’t look like he’s got a PhD in history. According to the New York Post, “The Nazi-loving pair appeared on authorities’ radar after they publicly complained that a local ShopRite supermarket refused to write seven-year-old son Adolf Hitler’s name on a cake.”

Campbell also has two girls and another boy called “Heinrich” (he appears to be going for the full bunker), all of which have been placed in care. According to the NY Post, Adolf Hitler was also taken from his father “after allegedly causing trouble”. Presumably the little tyke tried to invade Poland.

A court appearance really isn’t the time or place to make a statement about your own philosophy. Here are five more examples of what not to do. Tulisa Contostavlos, get out your crayon and take notes.

1. Don’t turn up drunk (particularly if you’re up on a drunk driving charge). In February 2013, Thomas Murphy was charged with driving his vehicle without insurance or a licence while three times over the limit (thank goodness it wasn’t a bus). When he was hauled before the judge Mr Murphy perhaps decided to have a little drinkie to steady his nerves. The result: the poor chap couldn’t even find the dock. According to a Scottish news service, “when he appeared at Dundee Sheriff Court he staggered into a glass panel at the side of the dock before eventually finding his way in front of the sheriff.”

3. Don’t make a pass at the judge and then turn nasty when it fails to work.Penelope Soto of Miami tried this trick on Judge Jorge Rodriguez-Chomat and it landed her in jail. From The Blaze: “the hearing started off with Soto stroking her hair, laughing, and even borderline flirting with the judge. After he sets the initial bond at $5k, she still strolls away laughing and says ‘adios,’ which could have been a shot at Rodriguez-Chomat’s heavy Hispanic accent. Not taking kindly to that, the judge calls Soto back and then ups the bond to $10k.” That’s when Ms Soto dropped the F-bomb – and an outraged judge gave her 30 days in jail. You can watch this class act on YouTube.

4. Don’t fake a heart attack (unless you can actually act). Another YouTube classic here. Keison Wilkins of Ohio was already doing a pretty bad job of representing himself when he decided to go for broke and stage a collapse. Nobody bought it: the court looked on unimpressed while Mr Wilkins sat slumped in his chair pretending to be unconscious. When a deputy put ammonia under his nose, he opened his eyes in shock … then pretended to slip back into a coma. “Does he appear to be doing anything other to you than sitting in that chair?” the judge asked the court with the weary air of someone who’s seen this many times before.

5. Don’t run away. Actually, do. Lawrence Eugene Speldrich of Montana, bolted from the courtroom, ran down some stairs and disappeared into a residential neighbourhood – and hasn’t been seen since. Of course, he’d have been a lot easier to spot if he was wearing a Nazi uniform…