Thursday, February 23, 2012

Today is my last day of being twenty-two. Twenty two is my favorite number and when I was 18, I thought for sure I would have a tattoo by now. Nope, not yet. Birthdays get me very contemplative, more so than New Years, for this truly is my individual start to my new year.

Last year, my goal was to take risks. Big risks. To jump out of planes. I definitely did in many realms...love, art-making, and literally I went sky diving. I even met a stranger off of Craigslist, which actually turned out to be the best date I've ever been on. Big risks=big fun : )

I still like this idea of big risks, like moving across the country (which I hope to do in a few months((New York, I love you))) but my risk taking tactics will change a little this year. Taking risks but being equally as discriminating. Discriminating when it comes to consumption. Food, drink, sex. I decided yesterday that I would try to be a vegan for 30-40 days. And to not be a coffee drinker anymore. Maybe on occasion, but yes...as of now, I do not drink coffee daily anymore. My goal is clarity. To be as clear as possible with my own perceptions of reality. To notice more, to feel more. To not need something external to get me high. To focus on my core, my solar plexus, my personal power...all starting with my gut and digestive system. To consume more pure foods, pure liquid, and pure love in regards to sex.

I've had this realization before, but I never did the hard, prolonged work to really experience what it could be like. Without caffeine, sugar, hot sex...whatever. I came up with very clever excuses for doing and having anything I wanted. But none of it really brought me much clarity, if anything I ended up more confused, scattered, and feeling less whole.

I guess, I am curious about consuming, or rather turning that word into "pure appreciating" what it is that I am experiencing. To have coffee once a month would be so special and sacred. And what I have realized is that my ego gets very envious of highly disciplined people. The only reason for this that I have come up with is that, I too just want to be disciplined. Or rather, to have more self control. To be in control of my inner life. Maybe that would make letting go of external control much, much easier.

So, here I go making a few changes to start my new year. Just to see what happens...