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How to Identify a Terrorist

Terrorism—we’re all familiar with it. We’ve seen the footage and read the articles; we’ve been taught how to survive an attack and when it is appropriate to fight. But, do you know how to recognize a terrorist? If, for example, you were walking down the street and spot someone suspicious, would you be able to tell if they were a terrorist? If you’re the average person, then the answer is “no, I have absolutely no idea what a terrorist looks like, nor do I fully understand what a terrorist is (a type of cereal, perhaps?).” That is simply unacceptable. In order to help make the world a better place, I will teach you how to accurately spot a terrorist.

First and foremost, it is important to understand that terrorists are not a type of cereal, but are people who commit acts of terror.

Not a terrorist.

Pouring milk on a terrorist will only anger them—I strongly advise you to avoid doing so. Biting them (like you would cereal), however, is a different situation all together. If you get the opportunity to safely do so, I recommend taking a small portion of their body in your jaws and enjoying. Now that you understand what a terrorist is, we can begin learning how to identify a terrorist.

The first and most important step in identifying a terrorist is often the most confusing, due to its controversial and misleading nature. In order to begin identifying a terrorist, you must use your ability to stereotype. Obviously, stereotyping is offensive and politically incorrect; however, when stereotyping terrorists, it is patriotic and respectable. With that in mind, go ahead and imagine a terrorist. Being the average American that we have already identified you as, it is safe to assume that you’re thinking of a Middle Eastern man with a long grey beard (not of wizard length), a turban, camouflage clothing, practicing the Muslim religion, and shooting casually into the air, maybe while stomping on freedom and kittens. Go ahead and stop imagining now. What you’ve just done is extremely offensive and a little racist. You see, terrorists can look just like you or I.

Does this baby look like a terrorist? Look again. That’s a terrorist.

That’s why it’s extremely important to stereotype correctly. Just because you assume all Middle Eastern people are terrorists does not make it so. Did you know that 47% of all terrorists are American? If not, that’s because it isn’t true; however, that doesn’t make it any less scary. Considering that false fact, you must use your ability to stereotype by assuming that all people are terrorists, regardless of what the “normal” stereotype is. Now that you understand the importance of stereotyping, the next step in spotting a terrorist is the judgment of clothing.

The clothing an individual chooses to wear very much makes up who they are—unless they’re a terrorist (or nudist). You see, a terrorist will not dress like a terrorist, but rather like someone else. This, as you can assume, makes terrorist spotting very difficult. Considering that you already assume everybody is a terrorist, the fact that a terrorist may look and dress like an average person can seem a bit overwhelming; however, terrorists always make the same mistake when dressed in disguise. Due to their often abusive, terror-based upbringing, terrorists cannot fathom the freedom we, as Americans, can enjoy—they simply hate freedom. Because of this, terrorists will never wear anything or do anything that advocates freedom, even when in disguise. So, in short, anybody eating freedom fries, saluting/enjoying freedom, or wearing freedom-related clothing (including an American flag or a live eagle) cannot be a terrorist.

Probably not a terrorist.

Let’s also not forget what terrorists carry on, or in, their clothing: bombs, weapons and terror-related items (including knives and angry animals). This makes spotting a terrorist significantly easier. If you see wires, strings, batteries, electronics, watches, shoes, water, an angry feline, and/or anything shiny on a person who refuses to accept freedom, chances are you’re looking at a terrorist. In this scenario, it is completely acceptable to tackle and undress the person you have found suspicious, in order to search for weapons and other terror-related devices. The police will understand and may even give you a medal.

Scared? That’s because this is a terrorist weapon.

Using this power of enhanced observation to identify a terrorist can be an invaluable tactic, especially when combined with stereotyping. However, when using these tactics in conjunction with the next step in identifying a terrorist, you are guaranteed to oust them from their secret disguise.

Terrorists, as we’ve learned, do not act or look like terrorists. They wear a disguise, in order to blend in with the people they wish to terrorize. Because of this, a terrorist will never admit to being a terrorist. And that, my friend, is their biggest weakness. You see, a terrorist will lie to you and pretend that he or she is not a terrorist. With this in mind, the best way to identify a terrorist, after stereotyping him or her and judging his or her clothing, is to ask whether or not he or she is a terrorist. If the person says “no,” then they are a terrorist. If they say “yes,” then they are not a terrorist (non-terrorists know to say this [if you did not know this, you may be a terrorist]). At that point, it is best to either violently assault them (you will be praised for your courage), run away screaming (others will immediately assume you are running from a terrorist and act on their own), or contact the FBI/Military/Police (I recommend calling all of them—add the numbers to your speed dial).

Terrorism is a very scary and controversial topic; however, using the knowledge I have given you to your advantage, you can help to make the world a terrorist-free place. To recap: everybody you see is a terrorist, except for those wearing live eagles and admitting to being a terrorist. Using these identification tactics, I guarantee that you will encounter hundreds of terrorists per day and help to keep the world a safer place.

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