Dating Maze #385: Married and Friendless

Now that I’m married, my single girlfriends are backing away. What happened?

I recently got married at age 39. During my single years, I made many friends along the way. When I became seriously involved and then engaged, some friendships endured and some did not, which is to be expected.

However, I am really struggling as far as my two close girlfriends with whom I’ve been special friends for many years. They’re both single and I know that my engagement and wedding were hard for them. I know how they felt, because I've been in their shoes. One friend and I remain in regular contact, but the other has really pulled away and we don't talk much anymore. I miss her so much but feel I need to respect her need for space.

I thought that after the wedding things would get better, but if anything, I feel farther from them than before. Does getting married really mean saying goodbye to my single friends?

Ellie

Rosie and Sherry's Answer:

Dear Ellie,

First of all, mazel tov on your recent marriage. We wish you and your husband a wonderful life together.

Like all newly-married couples, you're finding that sharing a life with someone involves many adjustments, some of which you never imagined you'd have to make. One of those adjustments involves relationships with your friends. Even the closest friendships have to change, to some degree.

Friends who used to hang out on weekends are now displaced by a husband or wife.

As you have seen through experience, those changes begin when a dating couple starts to develop a strong emotional connection. As they spend more time with each other, share experiences, confidences, hopes and dreams, clearly some of the time and energy they used to devote to their friends gets directed to their relationship. This increases as they plan a wedding and set up a new home. Friends who used to hang out on weekends or go on vacations find that they've been displaced by a husband or wife.

Although you may not have intended this consequence, this is inevitable – no matter what age you are when you marry. This is part of the process of building and maintaining emotional intimacy with your spouse. At the start of marriage, newlyweds are in a bit of a bubble, enjoying spending time with each other and being absorbed in learning about and adjusting to each other.

It may take a while to figure out how to fit your friends and your separate interests into your new life. Even if your feelings about your friends don't change when you go through this process, they understand that the nature of your friendship has changed.

This doesn't mean that you have to lose your friendships once you join the couples' club. You can still meet for coffee, go to lunch, work out at the gym together, invite each other for Shabbat meals, and have an occasional girls' or guys' night out. You can still laugh at the same kinds of jokes, listen to the same music, engage in the same deep discussions, and enjoy doing things together.

Fill the Void

Why, then, do some friendships endure, and others don't? There are many reasons. Some friends can't deal with the deep pain of being single. Although they may be happy you've found the right person, you are a constant reminder that you've achieved something precious that still eludes them.

This can happen no matter how sensitive you've been to their feelings, by toning down discussion about wedding arrangements and details about your new relationship.

Some people may claim that they can't relate to you anymore because you're no longer able to get together at the last minute, drop everything to do something silly, share dating horror stories, or commiserate about how hard it is to be single. Those feelings are understandable if these activities defined your friendship.

Other friends, often the ones you're closest to, may experience a sense of loss because you don't have the same amount of time for them anymore, and you are no longer as available to hang out and share confidences. They may distance themselves as they try to fill the void. Or, in an act of true friendship, they may intentionally be giving you the guilt-free space you need to loosen your ties with them so that you can bond with your new spouse.

Take the Initiative

We understand that it's difficult to feel happy when – after a long search for the right man to build a new life with – you simultaneously feel that because of this you've lost some close friendships. But friendships can be fluid, and it's possible that after your couple-absorbed newlywed "bubble" dissipates, you'll be able to revive some of these friendships, or simply adjust to their changed nature.

Take the initiative and let your friends know that you miss them.

It's worthwhile to take the initiative and let your closest friends know that you miss them. Ask your local friend to lunch or coffee, and see if your out-of-town friend likes the idea of keeping in touch every week or two. If one of them accepts your invitation, focus your conversation on work, current events, and shared interests. Limit discussing marriage-related topics such as what you and your husband do together and how your new apartment is coming along, even if your friend asks about them.

If you're inclined to ask her for advice about your husband or relationship, don't. This will only further complicate the friendship, and in general single people are rarely able to offer a wise perspective on married life.

Regardless of what transpires, there are a few things you can do for your friends, whether they are still a big part of your life or they have backed away. First, keep them in mind when you meet your new husband's friends and family. Do they have a single cousin, neighbor, co-worker, or tennis partner who might be a good match for a friend you know well?

In addition, try keeping the door open for your friend to reconnect when she feels ready. Give her a call before Rosh Hashanah to wish her a Happy New Year, and consider asking her if she'd like to join you, your husband, and other girlfriends for a Shabbat meal.

Although things may not work out exactly the way you hope, in time, you and your friends should adjust to this new stage of life and find a new equilibrium that meets everyone’s needs, in light of the changed nature of your friendship.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 10

(5)
Shoshana,
August 29, 2013 8:51 PM

Matchmaker

I'm surprized that Rosie & Sherry didn't suggest the ovbvious: Now that you are married, look outfor singles and play matchmaker! If Hashem isever good enough to send me the appropriate guy, I will ttakecare of singles.

(4)
anon,
August 14, 2013 3:17 PM

"in general single people are rarely able to offer a wise perspective on married life"

In general most married people have the experience of their own marriage, and the advice they give reflects that exactly. Some people are born wise and some gain wisdom over the years. These people who are able to impart wisdom may or may not be married. It's not about being married, it's about being wise.

Anonymous,
August 14, 2013 5:11 PM

What did you say???

I don't know exactly what you said, little hard to understand. Single people do have as much wisdom as anybody else. But most of us, no matter how "wise" we are, only have our own perspective to draw on. You can't share marital difficulties with a single friend. Hard enough even with a married friend, though honestly...I don't have close married friends, everybody is too busy. You can't really tell personal details and if a single friend were to tell me something and ask me not to tell my husband, my answer is "then don't tell me whatever it is you wanted to tell me". I may or may not tell my husband but nobody can tell you not to tell your spouse anything because that is driving a wedge between you and your spouse. That is yet another reason that once you are married your relationship with your single friends, will and has to change. If anyone, could write an article on how to make friends once you are married that would be something awesome. Either people are too busy or they are "cliqued" with their married friends the singles who got married same time they did and also the ones who belong to "their shul". I've literally had people tell me "we prefer to associate with our own friends". Married people seem to suffer more with the friendships and they are lonely. But, unfortunately, it cannot be the same friendship with a single friend. It does change.

yael,
August 15, 2013 10:29 PM

i disagree

i disagree, im ok with my friends and family telling me things and asking me not to tell my husband. I dont think my husband needs to know every detail of every one of my friends lives. As long as it doesnt have anything to do with me or my husband, my friend can tell me shes going to get divorced and i dont need to tell my husband-its none of his business. if my sister in law just found out shes pregnant and wants to wait to announce it, i dont have to run to tell my husband- he can wait to hear when shes ready.

Alan S.,
August 18, 2013 10:28 AM

As an outsider, I acknowledge that your comments reflect well on you for not wanting to 'waste' your time with your husband with 'idle gossip'. But just the same, your relationship with your husband sounds 'sterile' -- almost without emotion. Your sister-in-law tells you she is pregnant, and expects you not to share it with your husband? One or both of you are unrealistic.

Anonymous,
August 26, 2013 3:31 AM

I think you misunderstood

I did not say tell your husband everything. That's up to you. What I am saying is, whatever, you decide to tell your husband, if someone says to you "I want to tell you something but DON'T tell your husband" the answer should be (IMHO) "then don't tell me. I never make agreements not to tell things to my husband". If somebody asks you to enter into a secret with them against your husband they are creating a connection with you and driving a wedge between you and your husband by excluding him. Nobody has the right to do that, unless you are working in law or medicine where of course, the rules of protecting confidentiality apply. That is a matter of law and it is understood. Anyone else, asking you personally to keep secrets..the answer should be "no".

TE,
August 15, 2013 4:07 PM

Disagree

So basically you're saying that no one can ever really give advice because every situation is unique? Any parents who lost a child only know their situation, any person who lost a job only knows their situation, anybody who had a broken engagement only knows their situation, anyone who gets in a fight with a good friend only knows their situation - so talking to people who have gone through the same type of situation won't really help because everyone and every situation is different, and anyway, the people with shared experiences may not be wise. So just go to someone wise (however you define that), no matter whether they can relate to your situation AT ALL, because they'll give much better advice and truly be able to understand despite the fact that they never had that experience themselves. Doesn't make that much sense to me, really...

(3)
scott,
August 12, 2013 7:18 AM

Moving forward means some things get left behind

It's a rule of life that when you marry you lose friends. You only have room for so many important relationships in you life and marriage is the biggest, most time consuming thing you will ever do-until you have kids. Then your spouse might start dropping off the radar as well (be careful.)

Friendship is a two-way street. I lost most of my friends after I married because I wasn't a dependable part of their lives anymore. Instead of being able to talk 24 hours a day when they needed me, I had a wife who need that time first. Friends got left overs and went off to find people that could give them center of the world type attention. It was hard, but I understood. But then I have a great wife and family to close the gap and also something else...

What I did do was to keep a couple close guy friends. I lived in California, but had grown up and gone to college in Texas. My closest friends-the ones that I really talked with-were phone and vacation friends. Two of them. We have a long motzi shabbat or Sunday morning talk every week. On that basis, we've been close for twenty-plus years, and probably always will be. I can't even describe the help those relationships have been in my life. But I have little time for live friends.

Today I'm in Haifa and my wife is in the states for a month on business-with my daughter. So having no friends I reached out. Called the rabbi I meet with and increased the leaning this month. He's invited me to stay in his his home for shabbat (I wont go...can't take other people's environments for that long with grace) and will be dropping by to visit. I'm getting invitations for dinner from folks at shul and whatnot. I have friends...but they are different now.

I'm different now. Some things are better. Some are worse. But life is good.

(2)
yael,
August 12, 2013 3:18 AM

Same thing happened to me!

I also had a lot of single friends before i got married. I remember talking with them about how difficult it was when our friends got married and forgot about us, so i made sure i didnt do that. Yet, i pretty much lost all my friendships with single girls when i got married. My single friends completely pulled away. I understand, its very hard to be left behind. I never lost interest in my single friends, and i wish the relationships would have continued. I made new friends and "moved on" but i really miss those old friends. Sad reality.

(1)
Anonymous,
August 11, 2013 6:24 PM

why do you think she's not talking to you?

Having been on both sides of the fence, let me give you a few good reason. She's not talking to you because it hurts to be the one left behind. She's not talking to you because as soon as you get on the phone, your husband starts yelling in the background for you to hang up...and you do it! Or you start talking baby talk to each other and forget she's on the phone even though you're the one who called her!She's not talking to you because you can't share things the way you used to. You may remember what dating is like, but now you may feel she's being unrealistic. She may feel you've forgotten what it's like. You'd both be right. The conversation is also somewhat one sided because loyalty will (or should) prohibit her from complaining to you about her spouse. These are all good reasons for her not to talk to you and you can pick one (or all of them) which apply. She doesn't and can't realize that you are lonely too, because a spouse does not take the place of a close friend. And, in the end, at this moment you are (to be honest) the more fortunate because you have the option of a family that she wonders if she'll ever have and yes, you have your place in the community the way a single person really doesn't. Try to understand, even if it hurts. Call her, invite her and accept it if it's just too painful. You will also be making new friends who have more in common with this stage in your life. Unfortunately or fortunately that happens too. Hope this didn't sound too harsh but it's real. Has happened to me over and over again.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!