Monday, October 1, 2012

Illusion of a MajestyYA Fantasy88,000Query:Come to Florende, you'll be safe there. That's what they promised.Jenna Rose was actually dumb enough to believe them. As a majesty, it is the law for Jenna to defend the city against attack from the Cordels. While she is primed for high society and made to attend cut-throat combat events, her sister Vivien, has to slum it with the norms. The Cordels haven't attacked in fifteen years, but the inequality in Florende has altered the norms' memories. With the bloodbath forgotten, they don't know what the majesties are still protecting them from. Vivien, is one of those norms. But the Cordels have heard about Jenna, the majesty that can steal powers from another, and while the norms rebel inside Florende, the Cordels are sending in their scouts. What no one seems to realise is there's a problem with Jenna's majesty, and every time she uses it her mind slips over into crazy.She's sure something big is coming. She's seen the signs, witnessed the unexplainable; the only thing lacking is evidence. The problem is, Jenna can't tell the difference between what's real and what's in her head.Florende is collapsing from the inside.Vivien is helping make it happen. The Cordels are getting ready on the outside.And, piece-by-piece, Jenna feels like she's losing control.You'll be safe there, they said. They were wrong.First 150 words:The tower clock rang out nine times and echoed up through the city. It was an house past curfew, and if anyone found me and Vivien lurking in an alley, we were done for. Our dresses weren't really appropriate for a confinement cell.A chill crawled over my skin as Vivien leaned out into the deserted street, her bleached blonde hair illuminated by the dim streetlight. She didn't look back as she grabbed my arm and dragged me after her.Our heels clopped too loudly against the cement and Vivien's giggles echoed through the street unnaturally. I wanted to tell her to shut it, but I didn't dare open my mouth as I kept a look out for the sentries, sure one was lurking in the shadows.After a month, Florende still freaked me out. The narrow, maze-like streets all seemed to lead down to the docks, where fishing and cargo ships groaned on the water, and orange, flaky rust ate the buildings.

5 comments:

Hi Heather! I think this is definitely stronger than the first time I read it. I just had a few small suggestions.

Come to Florende, you'll be safe there. That's what they promised.

Jenna Rose was actually dumb enough to believe them. As a majesty, it is the law for Jenna to defend the city against attack from the Cordels.

Two things here. One, we have a lot of new terminology coming at us in the first paragraph, so I think it needs to be really clear that Florende is where she'll be training. You could easily say:

Come train at Florende they said. You'll be safe here.

Also, in the second sentence, you have: As a majesty it is the law etc...

The voice in the query is more casual until then, so--even though it's a tiny, nitpicky thing, I'd change it is to it's. IE: As a majesty, it's the law etc...It just seems to go more with the voice to use a contraction there.

While she is primed for high society and made to attend cut-throat combat events, her sister Vivien, has to slum it with the norms.

The Cordels haven't attacked in fifteen years, but the inequality in Florende has altered the norms' memories. With the bloodbath forgotten, they don't know what the majesties are still protecting them from. Vivien, is one of those norms. But the Cordels have heard about Jenna, the majesty that can steal powers from another, and while the norms rebel inside Florende, the Cordels are sending in their scouts. What no one seems to realise is there's a problem with Jenna's majesty, and every time she uses it her mind slips over into crazy.

It feels like there is a little bit too much going on in that paragraph. Is there anyway to leave some of the conflict out?

Maybe something like: The Cordels haven't attacked Florende in fifteen years. Due to altered memories, the norms don't remember the last bloodbath. They have no idea why the majesties are still protecting them. Angry at the inequality, they begin to rebel. Meanwhile, Jenna is having problems. Everytime she uses her majesty abilities, her mind slips over into crazy.

She's sure something big is coming. She's seen the signs, witnessed the unexplainable; the only thing lacking is evidence. The problem is, Jenna can't tell the difference between what's real and what's in her head.

I love this and the whole last part. The only thing I'd change in the first 150 is to add the word drunken in front of giggling, because it sounds like a dangerous place and, otherwise, I don't understand why her sister is laughing.

I like the way you began and ended the query. It gives it a nice flair. I'm confused as to whether or not a "majesty" is a person or an ability. It sounds like it's a type of person until she says she's "using" her majesty in the last sentence of the second paragraph. I think you have a typo in the second sentence of your first 150. You mean "hour" not "house"?

I like the way you established the setting in the beginning: Two girls in dresses and heels in an alley, possibly a shady alley- a brow-raising opening that could entice me to continue reading. I'd be curious to learn more about how Florende freaked out the narrator. Perhaps a more specific example of something the narrator had seen him do (perhaps he had brutally injured or killed someone) could help me to better visualize who this third character is.

About Me

I am a thirty-something writer and mom of two.
I write YA fiction and am repped by Sarah Lapolla of the Bradford Literary Agency.
I love, in no particular order: Watching my kids sleep, reading anything that will take me out of real life for a bit, spending time with my family and sharing this writing journey with fabulous people like you!