The Mill and José Mourinho have a lot in common: we’ll chin any man who disses Everybody Loves Raymond, we have an inferiority complex over our inability to understand Oxford commas – and we love scribbling down fantasy XIs of clubs we’d like to manage.

Mourinho is already doing that with Manchester United, according to today’s finger-staining rags. He has come up with 412312915 potential starting XIs, none of which include the words ‘Mata’ or ‘Fellaini’. Many of them do include ‘Bale’, ‘Varane’ and ‘Modric’, who he hopes to sign from Real Madrid. Mourinho will also offend absolutely everybody by bringingJohn Terryto Old Trafford.

Ed Woodward escapes grilling from Manchester United investors

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Real Madrid’s former feeder club Tottenham Hotspur are reportedly in “advanced talks” – no, us either – to sign Marseille’s Belgian striker Michy Batshuayi, who has experienced a shuddering existential crisis since being asked to play alongside Steven Fletcher.

Sven-Goran Eriksson, the world’s premier authority on the relationship between money and old rope, reckons Wayne Rooney will be offered £500,000 a week to take his unique brand of huff-and-puffery to China.

Whoever moves in at Chelsea next season will find that the place is furnished, whether they like it or not: Chelsea are planning to sign Napoli striker Gonzalo Higuaín, Paris St-Germain midfielder Blaise Matuidi and anyone else who springs to Roman Abramovich’s mind while’s in the shower whistling Africa by Toto.

Jurgen Klopp has come to terms with the essential inadequacy of Simon Mignolet and will replace him with the world’s most orthographically appealing goalkeeper, Barcelona’s Marc-André ter Stegen.