KUALA LUMPUR — Scientists have confirmed that the thick haze engulfing parts of the Klang Valley is caused by the massive amount of lies, empty promises and misrepresentations generated by different parties in society.

NAUSEATING: The bullshit-caused haze enveloping the city

“It’s really all BS,” said Prof. Kamisah Mat Bahrom, lead researcher at Universiti Malaya’s Institut Penyelidikan Alam Sekitar dan Pencemaran. “The plumes of toxic, nauseating smoke that permeate every crevice in the city are a direct result — nay, direct product — of the crap coming out of people’s mouths, especially politicians and the media from all sides, plus quick-rich scheme con artists.

“For years, we were under the impression that the haze is caused by the dry spell exacerbated by ‘hot spots’ of open burning in Indonesia,” said Prof Kamisah. “In actuality, while the fires do contribute to the smoke we breathe every day, most of it is just filthy, unadulterated hot air coming from dishonest mouths and mouthpieces. If you think about it, it’s quite disgusting, not to mention downright unhygienic.”

She continued, “From empty election promises, slander and exaggerated descriptions by politicians, from one-sided media reporting from all sides of the many divides, the obvious bullshit spewed by individuals with fancy titles selling alternative medicines, ingenious solutions to virtually any problem and the moronic stuff said by some so-called celebrities in the rags, it’s amazing how Malaysians have tolerated such crap for such a long time. Bullshit should be a national heritage.”

Prof. Kamisah said that the findings were derived from a project initiated in 2004 that measured and analysed the almost annual occurrence afflicting Klang Valley and at times, the whole country.

“Our team, working with the some international environmental bodies, placed sensors all over Malaysia to collect the polluted air, to merely confirm our hypothesis that the haze is caused by irresponsible open burning. However, beginning 2006, while the satellite images showed that the hot spots around the region did contribute to the smog, we noticed that the samples did not resemble any type of smoke typically originating from forest or agricultural land clearing fires. That was when we expanded our research to find the root cause.”

The researcher said that after 6 years scouring the data, the team reached their conclusion.

“We were, of course, surprised by our findings,” said Prof. Kamisah. “While we’ve all been used to listening to bullshit, horsecrap and hot air coming out of politicians, con artists and the different media, we didn’t think it would be anything that would affect our health. But the research says it all, bullshit kills!” she said angrily, showing the reams of data and charts validating her claim.

“Sadly we cannot reduce the amount or quality of bullshit the country produces every day,” she continued, looking forlorn. “However, our team recommends a two-prong approach to tackling the situation — Protect and Repurpose.

PROTECT: Our young must be educated to filter the dirty bullcrap, validate the information and form their own truths and opinions

“By ‘Protect’, we need to somehow inculcate in our population, especially the young, that they shouldn’t believe everything they hear, see or read. In addition to proper face masks to filter the polluted air, they need to be educated to sift the truths, half-truths and the complete bull dung when dealing with the daily load of ‘news’, ‘advice’ and ‘opinions’ by people especially public figures. They need to be critical and analytical, so that they’re not easily swayed and used like some herd of cows,” said the researcher animatedly.

“And secondly, since we cannot reduce the production of bullshit-induced haze, my team suggests that we use it as an alternative and sustainable energy source. I mean, our nation produces at least 750 million tonnes of bullshit annually, it’d be a waste and even irresponsible to let it dissipate back to nature.”

Prof. Kamisah then showed an artist’s rendition of the “BS reactor”, a large vacuum suction connected to a series of underground facilities that could process the BS-haze and turn it into electrical energy.

“Our international partners and our institute have put together a grand plan to build 30 such vacuum holes all around the city. We believe that at full mobilisation, the new BS-haze energy could not only contribute significantly to our energy needs and reduce our reliance on coal-based power plants, it can even be exported to our neighbours, creating wealth for our country.

“It may not be ‘clean energy’, what with the dirty lies and horse shit. But it is green, abundant, and absolutely safe. This will be Malaysia’s legacy to mother earth.”