Finding the Confidence

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Why is it that my mind feels the need to remind me that my body isn't good enough? Now please don't go in the comments and write...

Why is it that my mind feels the need to remind me that my body isn't good enough? Now please don't go in the comments and write about how great I am and how I should love my body because I do. I've been hating myself for so many years but now I know I love me. This though, does not stop my mind from pulling me back into those deep, dark corners and force myself to remember the cold but comforting touch of self sorrow. Yes..I'm using the word comforting because if it wasn't I wouldn't have dwell in those dark times for as long as I did. Why do I describe a skinny girl as graceful but a girl of my size or bigger who's in the same pose as not? Both ladies are beautiful and poise but my mind will unconsciously put one superior to the other. Maybe it's because I've let what society thinks as the definition of beauty to corrode my mind for so long that now even though I know it's not so.. maybe now it's my definition of beauty also. I judge myself everyday weather I admit it or not and compare myself to that image of beauty. Can I not see me for me? Can you not see you as yourself and not what society says you are or forces you to be? I don't hate how I look but I admit I bring myself down when I look at the mirror. Always checking my stomach and arms wondering how long again before they get smaller.. I'd love to meet the day where I don't do this anymore and its sad but that day will only come when I've achieved that image of beauty that I've set for myself.

Now, this image of beauty isn't 'bone thin' or whatever, but over the years Ive found myself wanting only one thing 'To be Healthy' I judge myself and bring myself down because I know I'm not at my healthiest. Knowing that I'm not eating right or working out as I should is what makes me feel 'not beautiful' Now let me say this again, I love myself and I'm proud at how far I've come but I have to admit that I'm not the most confident when I'm slacking in the health department. Knowing that I can do better is what brings me down and this is where I compare myself to other people and nit pick at my imperfections. The struggle to be beautiful, to be my definition of beautiful tears me down so bad sometimes. I know some of you guys might say to then change my view on things or to change my definition but it isn't as easy. My definition of beauty I think isn't bad. It isn't something unhealthy that can kill me for example if it was to be 'bone thin' What I guess is wrong with the whole situation is my approach. Instead of nitpicking I should be happy with how far I've come and stay positive because those 'healthy days' will come but I'm afraid this is easier said than done. 'I'm only human' -I try to remind myself of this and while some days I'm fierce and confident, there are some days I want to wear a baggy t-shirt and hide under my covers.. Thank God though it's not enough for me to cry about it but I think the problem originates from me being disappointed in myself. I guess one day those 'healthy days' will come and I should just try my hardest to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Though it can be hard sometimes we should all remind ourselves what really matters is "Happiness" and once we're happy and loving ourselves most of the time (I think) we'll be fine. I mean we all have a bad day once in a while right? But it shouldn't stop us from reaching our goals and dreams.

I know this post was a bit different but I hope you all get where I'm coming from. I don't hate myself but sometimes I feel a bit down when progress isn't showing, though I know 'progress' should not define me or my beauty. Hope you guys have a blessed day and I'll talk to you guys soon ^.^