I was in New York City on a business trip when I went into the now notorious Emperor’s Club. This diary is about my experience there.

I was in need of a drink after a hard day in the city. I saw a discrete sign saying the Emperor’s Club. A fancy name for a bar, but none the less I didn’t know the neighborhood and didn’t want to wander around looking for one.

I entered and was surprised to not see a bar, just a few leather chairs like an old fashioned British club. Nice, I thought.

“May I help you?” an elegant woman asked, looking me up and down as if I had stumbled into the wrong place. I get that a lot.

“I just want a quick one,” I said, looking forward to a shot of Crown Royal Special Reserve. Long time readers might recall my love for the Special Reserve.”

“We don’t normally accomodate walk-ins,” she said.

That’s weird for a bar, I thought. But I didn’t want to say anything and show I was a bumpkin not used to the city ways.

“I have the money,” interpretting her earlier look as concern for my ability to pay. As I said, I’m used to that look.

“Very well,” she said. “I’ll send someone over.”

So it’s one of those fancy bars with waitresses, I thought. Nice.

I waited and an elegant, lovely woman came over. “What would you like?” she asked.

I felt tongue-tied by her beauty. “Special,” I said before stammering.

“That’ll be $5,000,” she purred.

Holy s**t! I thought. I knew a drink in New York would cost more than back home, but that was outrageous price gouging. I got up to leave and was already composing my email to Elliott Spitzer, who I knew was strong on consumer protection, when I saw him enter. I smiled at him as I passed him on my way out the door.

“I am deeply honored to be able to lead my followers,” said Voldemort. “With Democrats acting as effective as the Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge, I feel it is safe for me to operate in the open.”

Republican insiders hailed the announcement as a positive step to help turn around the fortunes of the GOP.

“He is the perfect choice to lead the Republican Party in these times,” said Republican consultant and former presidential advisor Karl Rove. “He embodies the Republican Party’s views on war, power, torture and the health of children.”

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) said he would work in a bipartisan fashion with the new GOP chairman.

“Together we can stop any Democratic efforts to safeguard liberties,” Reid said.

Voldemort said he was going to do his best to make sure Republicans remain in control in 2008 – no matter if Democrats or Republicans control Congress or the White House.

“So in that sense I believe in bipartisan solutions,” he hissed.

International human rights groups and the American Civil Liberties Union said Voldemort’s record in Britain was one of the darkest in history.

“This is a new land,” Voldemort said in response to his critics. “It is amusing that in my native country I was called He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named while here Republican presidential candidates treat President Bush as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”