Archive for the love?! Category

Warning: Some thoughts may be incoherent. There might be grammatical errors, too. Please understand that this is a brain bleed post.

I woke up feeling confused. I could not pin point exactly what I was feeling. I mean a lot of things went on over the past few months. In May, I started working for Yehey, and I also started being active in church. My weekdays were preoccupied with work, and my weekends were basically spent for ministry time. I tried to pause time on Saturdays, but it became more like a useless idle time. I did not really reflect.

Work

I’m really thankful for my work right now. I feel like I now have a career path. I feel like I’m in the right track. I still cannot conclude if this is something that I’ll be doing for the rest of my life. But I have to say that I’m just enjoying my job one day at a time. I’m enjoying learning and being challenged. I’m just starting out on this road. I don’t want to imagine that I still have a long way to go. I mean the thought might just depress me. One day at a time, I enjoy the roller coaster ride of being a social media specialist.

Sometimes I strain myself too hard. It’s like I have too high expectations of myself. I learned to be a little kinder. I learned not too be overly obsessed about pleasing the clients or my boss. I mean c’mon. That stresses me out, to the point that I don’t become efficient. I just make sure that I please my bigger boss, which is God. I stand on stable ground knowing that I am able to see beyond this earthly life has to offer.
It’s tempting to backslide and be too concerned with having a good image at work or pleasing people. But I cling on to my faith that there’s something way beyond the superficial life.

With all honesty and without sarcasm, I love my work. But I need cash…more cash.

Finances

I wish I could tell you that I’m financially stable. Without the help of my family, I don’t think I’ll be able to live comfortably. I’m really grateful for being able to enjoy a few luxuries. I’m grateful that they love and they still expect me to reach for the stars.

Last year, I strained myself to please them. I strained myself to meet their high expectations. I didn’t realize that the pressure they were giving me was to bring out the best in me. I did not need to please them.

I did not have to prove anything to them.

I did not have to prove anything to myself.

I am already loved. With no achievements to brag, I am completely and perfectly loved.

BUT they care for me so much that they are squeezing out the best juices out of me. They are not perfect. They are sometimes harsh when they criticize me. But I know that they only want me to be the best that I can be.

Focus on the prize, not on the pain.

I’m like in the dessert these days. I don’t live in abundance yet, but my needs are all met. Sometimes, God even spoils me with luxuries such as the Korean trip I just had. I’m planting.. planting.. planting.. I’ll harvest when it’s the right time.

Eventually, doors will open and opportunities will rush in. For now, I’ll focus on doing the right thing. I can’t overwork myself. I can’t strain myself to reach the harvesting period. I have to plant first.

Family

They’re annoying sometimes. But I am forever grateful for them. I’m looking forward to the day when they’ll be with me serving at The Feast. That day will come. I claim it. I want them to love God beyond the obligation of going to mass.

But then again, I become to rethink my spiritual journey. I think I traveled miles towards the path to God. I feel like I’m getting closer and closer to Him. Sometimes though, I feel disconnected to Him. Maybe because of my sins? Well, that sucks.

Anyway, I think part of the reason why my family do not really buy the idea of being a regular attendee of The Feast is because they don’t see much changes in me. I mean they still see the same bugnutin me. That effin sucks.

I feel like I should not have to adjust myself just to prove to them anything. Over time, I know the changes will be drastic enough for them to notice. I mean God is working inside me right now. Again, there’s a right timing for everything. I don’t think I should strain myself too much on achieving things.

I love my family. I should pull them up, instead of letting them pull me down. I should pull them towards Christ.

Love Life

Yes, I now recognize it as part of my life. LOL. Not because it exists, but because eventually I will have to open my heart. I will have to open it again. I will have to leave my fears behind and be brave enough to tear down the walls that I put around me.

Honestly, I’ve forgotten how to love. I’ve forgotten how to fall in love. I’ve forgotten how to be vulnerable and be committed to one person. Should I be worried? No. I’ll let God work within me first.

There really are a lot of things that I could not figure out about this whole romance thing. Maybe a wonderful love story will unfold. I feel like it’s beyond my control. I cannot control if the person I like would like me, too.

When I watch romantic movies, I kind of miss the feeling. I once thought that nothing beats the feeling of being in love.

Actually there is.

THE GIFT OF SINGLENESS

I think I should renew my appreciation for this special gift. It’s the time to grow as a person, to travel, to explore, to journey with God and let Him transform you to the person that He wants you to be. It’s a time when you can do things without having to think about another person. It’s the time to be free! It’s the time to savor every bit of freedom He has gifted you with.

So why is this post called “Chasing Time”?

Because I feel like there’s so much to do, but so little time. I feel like maybe my life could end any time. I wanna be able to leave the earth a better place. I want to be able to touch lives.

Be bold and go through every day with confidence for God is with you. -Joyce

I was alone on Good Friday until early Easter Sunday. Yet, I could genuinely say that I was happy. I was able to have an ample time to meditate and reflect. I was also able to say that I was genuinely happy to be single. I mean c’mon. I’ve been single for a long time, but that was the actual time when I really felt satisfied.

BUT

I met someone after holy week. This person disturbed my happy single life and made my heart flutter big time. After two meetings, we parted ways. lol. It sounds tragic, but it really was just a case of meeting someone that could help in opening up my heart. I don’t know if I would ever see (insert name here) again, but whatever it was no big deal.

Then I dated A. I went out with A before, but it was awkward. I was sure that I didn’t want to meet A again. lol. But A texted me to have dinner, and we did. We hung out for about four hours. We had to go home to catch the train, and A still had work the next day. Unlike our first meeting, we had a lot of fun. It was that rare kilig feeling.

I thought that it was a rising action until we reached climax and be together. BUT no. I’m finding it hard to read A. Wow. We were already growing apart after the first real date. lol.

These encounters with A and (insert name here) were really disturbing. I guess it was a bad case of expecting too much for something to happen. Sucks for me. lol.

Good thing is I now know how to go back to the center of my life. And just let God be in control with my life.

For whatever these encounters were worth, I still thank God for that rare kilig feeling.

In 2008, I started visiting in peyups.com. I don’t know how I landed there. I’m not even from UP. There are a handful of columnists int that site, but Caravaggio became one of my favorites. In my Internet research, I found out her name is Ina. She’s probably in Denmark now, but I hope I could find her blog or whatever. I just want to read more of her articles and stuff. I also like the columnist named Angel, but it’s hard to do Internet research about him/her because there are a lot of Angel Locsin stuff popping out, which is really annoying.

Anyway..

Here’s one part of what Caravaggio had written:

“I miss you” means everything and nothing, it is unflinching and honest. It is upbeat and simple, with wisps of longing and clouds of hope. You miss people you used to love, people you used to want, people you used to need. But most of the time the missing is all that’s left, and that’s OK, there’s nothing else you’d change. The missing implies a past that remains in its rightful place. Or it implies the reality and possibilities of the present. It is hope and love and lust and peace all at the same time. Some people say that when they met that person, it was akin to “coming home”. And missing is this manifestation of home-sickness, the way people return to their homelands to die, the way all the comfort the world has to offer is nothing compared to the feeling of being in someone’s arms.

I dunno why it’s hard for you to let other people in into your life, but I really hope that you open your heart. If not for me, at least to the person that you truly deserve. I don’t ever want to see you alone. I want you to be happy because you deserve it.

I somehow see myself in you. Just like you, I put up walls that prevent others to be really close to me. The chances of us being a couple are close to zero. However, since we’ve become close now, I hope you’ll join me in slowly tearing down the high walls we’ve built around our hearts.

I woke up this morning, and it was all clear. My longing for my ex was all clear. Had I been in denial for so long? I had been saying to myself that I had no hang ups whatsoever. But a strange thought came to me, and I knew it. I’ve been looking for that person in my past in some people I get a chance to be close with. I kept looking for it. Hence, I have never really given others a chance. I have never really given myself a chance that I might be happy with someone else.

Of all the hangups in the world, the worst one is not knowing you still have one.

12. I love watching Glee, House M.D., How I Met Your Mother, and Outsourced.

11. I’m starting to dislike watching Korean movies/dramas. I think most of them are predictable.

10. My friend suggested that I watch “Sex is Zero”. I told her I didn’t like movies about sex. However, I enjoyed watching it. It’s disgusting, yet touching. (ironic lol)

9. I like being with lively, talkative, and considerate people.

8. I tend to dislike people who are only child. I talked to my friends about it. We all agreed that there’s something lacking in them because they have no siblings. They have a tendency to have their own world, insensitive, and inconsiderate to others.

7. I actually met an only child who isn’t what I described above.

6. It may seem like I can handle rejection well, but the truth is it’s just a facade. I really don’t take rejection lightly.

A lot of people still have hang ups for their ex, for the pseudo ex, for the person they used to love, and/or for the person who ruined their life. They’re clinging on to something that’s no longer there. They long to be with that person. They long to have a connection. They long to have that high feeling, but the closest thing they’ll ever get to feeling it is to lick their wounds after the so-called battlefield of love. It’s the past. It’s gone. They’re dwelling on to something that’s no longer there. All that’s left is a scar that cannot be erased.

I think some people choose to hold on to things. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s imagined. Letting go of hang ups means feeling empty, which means they’re afraid of facing the possibility of being left with a void that’s so hard to fill in.

By saying all these, I realized that I have no hang ups. It’s because I can feel the void inside of me. But it doesn’t bother me much. It’s just whatever, toni.