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Thursday, October 05, 2006

GETTING
CAUGHT. It's true we haven't been posting this week, but we have
our reasons. Leave it to the Republicans to come up with the ultimate
oxymoron, a boring sex scandal. Let's count the ways.

First, it's a homosexual scandal. Yawn. The real dirty secret about
homosexuality is that it's just plain dull. How unfascinating is it to
want to see and play with private parts that are -- ta da! -- just like
your own? That's why Oscar Wilde employed his considerable talents to
fabricate a personality that simulates
exotic charm. The fact that gay men have been (badly) play-acting the
Wilde One ever since is merely confirmation of just how drab and
pointless male homosexuality really is underneath the stage makeup.

Second, there doesn't seem to have been any actual sex involved, which,
given that it's a gay thing, is actually a plus for most of us, but a
sex scandal without sex is like a non-alcoholic beer -- a total waste
of time.

And that's another thing. People like Foley and Bob Ney (remember him?)
are giving alcoholism a bad name. Running off to rehab because you got
caught with your fingers in the wrong cookie jar is trite and
disingenuous. It doesn't fool anybody. Getting sober isn't going to
make Bob Ney honest, and it's not going to make Mark Foley a happily
married heterosexual.

Third (or is it fourth?), any scandal that gets the moms going in their
"I have two children of my own" vein should be scotched before it ever
gets passed on to typesetting. Every female TV pundit, lawyer,
journalist, and politician who comments on this mess can't resist the
temptation to publicize the dates of her own instances of parturition.
The problem is, WE DON'T CARE. It's not a credential. Moms are not
automatic experts about the ethics or morality of questions concerning
teenagers. In fact, they should be disqualified from commenting at all,
because moms as a group are the most hysterical, irrational, and
extremist dunderheads on the planet whenever there's a newsmaker who
can technically be classified as a "child." Which, frankly, is another
huge problem with this scandal. Boys who are 16, 17, and 18 years old
are not children, particularly in matters sexual.

There isn't any human demographic that thinks about sex more than 16 to
18 year-old boys, unless it's 13 to15 year old boys. As a culture, we
have gone to ridiculous lengths to forget this primal fact because
feminists have been so determined in their quest to make the sexes seem
interchangeable. But all the men who haven't been figuratively
castrated by politically correct gender propaganda know very well that
males and females are, in many ways, opposites. (When's the last time
you heard or read that obviously true statement? You see?) An adult
male who seduces a 15-year old girl is a criminal. An adult female who
seduces a 15-year old boy is every boy's fantasy come true. But now
we're jailing all those gorgeous blonde schoolteachers that most men
only wish they'd had the good fortune to study under when they were 15.
Maybe we should issue a warrant to arrest Jennifer O'Neill for
solicitation to pedophilia, which is the accurate contemporary
terminology for describing the plot of Summer of '42. Maybe the summer
knows, but 21st century America doesn't seem to have a clue. The boys
Foley was after are in more danger of being harmed by the publicity
they're getting now than they were by the clumsy electronic advances of
a nerd congressman.

Finally, there's the annoying matter of the Democrats and their dudgeon
about this sorry escapade. Yeah, those of us of Christian orientation
know that Foley's behavior was immoral on a couple of counts, including
the sins of lust and homosexuality. But let's get secular for a minute.
What in the liberal universe is actually wrong about what Foley did?
For them, it's fine, even laudable, to be gay. It's also one of their
chief pleasures to talk a lot about gay sexuality, which is now
incorporated in children's books and elementary school sex education,
so speaking sexually to boys on the cusp of the age of consent can't be
a problem. The fact is, liberals don't even have a problem with
minors having sex, or they
wouldn't be so protective of the rights of 13-year old girls to get
abortions without notifying their parents. So why is it more wrong for
adults to have sex with minors than for minors to have sex with each
other? Many prior pagan cultures specifically arranged for adults to
introduce adolescents to sexuality, seeing it as preferable to kids
miseducating one another. The liberal outrage about this particular
story seems oddly reminiscent of the Magic
Doorway argument they invented as cover for their abortion views.
The day before his 18th birthday, a boy is as innocent and helpless as
a newborn. The day after, he can post videos of himself having sex with
midgets on the internet. We don't get the whole Democrat act. They
certainly weren't this upset about Jim McGreevey hiring his
boyfriend as his homeland security chief or Barney Frank's boyfriend
running a male prostitution ring out of his Beacon Hill mansion. It
must be that the real crime here is for a Republican politician to be a gay
horse's ass. Still another yawn.

So, those are the reasons we won't be posting anything about the Foley
scandal. We're going to wait for a real scandal, something juicy and
titillating. If Nancy Pelosi wants our attention, she should quit
fuming about Republican immoraility and get it on with 40 or so
congressional pages in the House chamber on C-Span. That would be worth
blogging about.