It Will Be A Long Time Before The Internet Forgives Lance Armstrong

The International Cycling Union has decided that based on the findings of the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency’s extensive report on Lance Armstrong, the 7-time Tour de France winner has been officially stripped of all of his titles. Upon making and announcing the decision, ICU President Pat McQuaid poured a glass of elk’s blood, struck a match on a child’s forehead and lit his cigar before cackling with the echoes reaching the bottom of the world’s deepest trench.

“Lance Armstrong has no place in cycling and he deserves to be forgotten in cycling,” McQuaid said at a news conference. “This is a landmark day for cycling.”
“I was sickened by what I read in the USADA report,” McQuaid said, singling out the testimony of David Zabriskie. “The story he told of how he was coerced and to some extent forced into doping is just mind boggling.” (Via Fox Sports)

Is landmark really the right word here? I know this is monumental and unprecedented, as who can remember the last time that a sport figuratively eviscerated its greatest champion and every shred of credibility that cycling and especially the Americans had left? I just feel like “landmark” doesn’t reflect how awful this mess is. Maybe McQuaid could have made up a really terrible world like “monuterrorawfulAIDSbiebermental”. That’s a good word.
Surprisingly, Armstrong has already commented, telling a group of cyclists at a Livestrong event that he’s “been better” and “been worse”, as whatever’s left of his credibility is stomped into the mud by people who have behaved just as despicably as he reportedly has. (Except, you know, without all of the charity work and inspiration for cancer patients.) But I spent some time this morning trying to sort through the media and fan responses – both good and bad – and it seems that the hot fad right now is basting Armstrong with hate and baking him in the oven at 450-degrees for the rest of the eternity.
After the jump, check out some of the more colorful fan responses to Armstrong’s misdeeds. Seriously, people are pissed.
This is an actual bracelet that the Onion is selling now.
( )
( )
( )
( )
( )
( )
( )
( )
( )
( )
( )
( )
( )
Possibly the most regrettable tattoo. ( )

I already forgave him. I think the USADA is in the wrong and should be disbanded for going after American Athletes. I think the UCI should be stormed by Navy Seals and destroyed. This is the only thing I’m patriotic about…Sports! We have a vast army, we should be using them to get Armstrongs titles back and lock up the traitors who tried to take them away! Hurry up Obama or I’m not voting for you.

Fuck the UCI. They know that cycling is full of doping and Armstrong isn’t alone. What Armstrong did is wrong but the UCI is just bitter that an American won their race seven times.

Hell, with how much cheating goes on in cycling, Armstrong wasn’t cheating so much as he was leveling the playing field. The whole sport is crooked. It’s pathetic. Just end the race. Don’t run it anymore.

Yeah they probably helped cover up at least one failed drug tests. Nike was solidly in his corner (ie, bribing people with hush money so they could continue to sell his merch) too until it looked like the sink was shipping and they did the same thing as well.

No, the UCI is neck deep in this. They have nothing to gain from taking Lance down, he brought cycling to a huge audience in America. If you spend a half hour reading about this, you’ll see that the UCI had nothing to do with this investigation and are only reacting to the USADA (That US, as in United States) investigation. There is some evidence that Lance paid off the UCI after failing doping controls.

Also, the names Contador and Schleck apparently don’t mean anything to you. Europeans have been getting banned/suspended every single year by the UCI.

Cycling is awesome, especially when that extra bike car goes crashing thru that aerodynamic fish school thing the cyclists do and somebody’s bike wheel gets caught in another rider’s helmet and the first guy goes flying over his handlebars, thru some farmers barbed wire fence, and into an apple tree.

I honestly think only those in constant search of content give 2 fucks.

Worse yet, I love that the same people defending roid ragers in baseball denounce this guy. If everybody doing it in baseball makes it not an issue in baseball, what should that tell you about cycling.

Also, are there really more than 10 people on the planet that give a fuck about guys that ride bikes for a living? 9 year old me thinks that’s an awesome job, and 15 (and every me since) year old me thinks they’re dorks.

Tour winners get somewhere in the neighborhood of $1MM not counting sponsorships or anything else…so I’d say a load of people other than those 10 seem to care. That or there are 10 very f’ing rich dorks paying thousands of guys to ride around on bikes.

It’s amusing to me how far most of my fellow citizens have their heads stuck up their arses.