I have a problem with my boyfriend,
Bill. We dated for a while when he lived next door to me. He
told me that we might get married someday. Now that I am 34
years old, I can hear that biological clock ticking. The
problem is that he lives in Minnesota, and has lived there
for the last 8 years. We talk on the phone and send e-mail
back and forth to each other.

Although I have dated a few guys
over the last 8 years that he has been out of state, I
cannot stop thinking about him. He has never made the effort
to come back to Indiana to visit me in person. I still have
the feeling that he has not stopped caring for me. Bill is a
CPA with a big accounting firm out there. He always says
that he is working all the time and cannot take a few days
off to come back to Indiana to visit me.

Am I wrong in thinking that someday
we might get back together again? I hear from him about once
or twice a week by e-mail or phone. Should I move out to
Minnesota so that we can see each other again? I do not want
him to think I am desperate, but I can think of no other way
to get him to see me again. The only problem is that if I do
that, I will be leaving my family and friends behind in
Indiana. I also have a great job working for the state of
Indiana here. I do not think I could ever get another job
that pays as well in Minnesota.

He says he has not been dating
anyone over there because he works 70 hours a week, and in
his free time he plays basketball with his
friends.

What should I do? I feel that if I
wait too long I will never be married and have
kids.

Signed -

Unlucky
In
Love

Dear Unlucky in
Love...

Although you sign your letter
"Unlucky in Love," you obviously are "Lucky in Friendship";
for that's what you have in Bill...a friend. For 8 years
since his move, you've kept connected. You are his anchor to
Indiana. But honey, that doesn't mean you can't sail the
waters. You said he has never made the effort to come back
to Indiana to visit you, but he calls you and e-mails you
regularly. Many adults feel they can't be just friends with
the opposite sex, when that just isn't true. And it seems
you are now just friends with Bill.

Relationships change over time. If
you feel you'd like to keep your friendship with Bill, keep
it. There is nothing like a good friend. But, if he has led
you on to believe there is more, without ever having come
"home" to Indiana, talk about your relationship and what it
means to you. Start dating, if only to find out how
wonderful it can be, to be treated as a significant other in
a relationship. You may find other friends out there - and
that's fine too! But when you find that special someone,
you'll know it.

I'm a fairly new single mom, i.e,,
my kid's father and I have been separated just a little
under a year. It was my idea to separate. After two separate
episodes of adultery (on his part, not mine) and just
generally not being able to coexist, I decided one day I'd
had enough.

Anyway - I'm finding that even
after almost 12 months, I'm still experiencing feelings of
guilt, uncertainty and confusion regarding my decision to
break-up the family.

I know a couple shouldn't stay
together simply because of the children but sometimes I
think that just maybe that IS a good enough reason. I
continuously doubt whether or not I'm doing the "right"
thing by not being with their father and am always worried
about what sort of impact my decision is going to have on
the rest of their lives.

Am I being too hard on
myself?

Thanks,

Carmen

Dear Carmen:

I can't tell you how quickly I
wanted to answer this letter!! Deciding to break up a
marriage is a very serious thing - something that I know you
didn't take lightly; especially where your children come in!
If there are feelings of guilt and uncertainty, I HOPE they
were on your ex's mind as well! To make a mistake once is
bad enough... To make the decision on his part to go twice
behind your back was his decision to break-up your marriage,
not yours (in my opinion).

And yes, that does have an impact
on your children's lives - but it should actually have a
positive impact down the road. Speaking from experience, you
are showing your children what it means to have respect for
a loved one, for two people in a relationship, that although
things may not always turn out the way you want them, they
will turn out, good or bad. You have taught your kids so
much more. Give your children credit, for they may know more
than you think. Try to get along with your ex, (even if just
for the kids sake) because ...parents are forever. To
manipulate the loving feelings your children have for both
mom and dad would be ruthless. Try to keep your feelings
about him to yourself.

As they get older, your children
will realize the whys and hows of why things happened the
way they did. It will also allow them to know that we all
have the right to good relationships. As for you in the
future, the children as they grow up, and even the rat
(oops!) may also learn those profound answers
someday.

You Go Girl!

Best Wishes...

On-Line
Sally
Dear On-Line
Sally,

I talk to this man on line and on
the phone. We have been talking for about four months. I
really do like him and he says he likes me. Well he wants to
meet me. I want to meet him to but I am scared we might not
hit it off in person well and I am also scared that we
will.

I just got burnt real bad by a man
and I do not think I am ready for this. I am in my stage
where I do not think love is real and that it is a big hope
everyone has. Well I told this to Greg (the guy I like alot)
and he told me it is real and to ask someone for advice. So
could you please tell me if you think I should meet
him.

Confused
in Indiana

Dear Confused in
Indiana:

Starting a relationship is never
easy; especially when you've just ended on a bad note with
the guy you feel 'burnt' you pretty badly. After four months
of talking with this new guy Greg on-line, and on the phone,
you probably have a good idea of likes, dislikes, people,
music, and that sort of thing.

Meeting someone for the first time
is always a little scary. Yep. We tend to think since we
'talk' so much on-line and get a little comfortable and
casual with our fellow on-line buddies that everything they
say is so. NOT SO! "As a matter of fact you only know what
people tell you; it's up to you to access the rest." (That's
advice from my high school English teacher.)

Have you talked to his family or
friends on the phone too? Roommates? Have you talked to him
at work? Does he work? What are his hobbies? Is he joined to
any organizations, groups, clubs, etc? If you know the
answers to any of these, well then, you've already done your
homework.

But we're human, and people (for
the most part) will always put their best foot forward on
that first date. It takes time to see if you really can make
a go of it. So if you are willing, and if you want to take a
chance on a possible good thing... meet this Greg in a
public place. It might not be a bad idea for you to bring
along a friend or two. You may find that foot you put
forward taking you right out the door and running you back
to your car! OR...you just may find out that good things
come to you when you are not looking. Trust needs to earned.
The only way you can do that is to take a chance. I would
think that maybe Greg might feel the same way.

Starting out as friends can be a
good thing; then see if there's any chemistry. If not, well,
then you've got another friend. Just make sure your friend
will back off if you feel the need.

You can send E-mail to
On-Line Sally at MidwestMagazine.com
We regret that On-Line Sally cannot answer every single one
of her e-mail messages, however the BEST ONES will appear
at
MidwestMagazine.comeach
month.