You know you need to think through this conversation beforehand, but inadequate attention is not the problem. You can’t stop thinking about this conversation. The problem is that the way you’re thinking may not be helpful.

Instead of thinking about what you want, ask: “What is it that would be most useful for them?” says Reynolds. “A lot of times we know the impact of our behavior. We just don’t know how to change it.”

Approach the conversation from the perspective of how you can help the person get better results from team members, or at least not have everyone in the office cringe when he or she comes to a meeting.

Ultimately, difficult conversations can become turning points in a person’s career journey. “You will make them uncomfortable, and that’s good,” says Reynolds.

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Strong emotions drive lessons deeper into our brains than when we just receive straightforward information. Approaching a difficult conversation with this mindset increases the chances that everyone emerges stronger on the other side.

About the author

Laura Vanderkam is the author of several time management and productivity books, including I Know How She Does It: How Successful Women Make the Most of Their Time (Portfolio, June 9, 2015), What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast (Portfolio, 2013), and 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think (Portfolio, 2010). She blogs at www.lauravanderkam.com.