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Author
Topic: July 5th attempt at moving on (Read 12000 times)

On July 5th I found myself out in a field behind my home on the river with my buck knife. I walked through town yesterday and saw all the families enjoying the fourth and here I am wishing I could be experiencing something not even remotely close to what these people have so freely. I can tell you all the reasons for my actions but I think many who have contimplated and not succeded know the answers. Looking for a way out? Being alone, missing William, seeing parents age, stress on the job, feeling trapped... I am not frightened of it is the scariest thing. No notes good bye no reasons left.

As the paramedics showed up, county sherifs and next door neighbors came to my aid, I felt I had made a mistake and how can the world be that terrible (I make it that). It is not anything but me. But while I was out there, I was a peace... I felt calm and somewhat open to silent meditation with God. I think Will was there to. I dont know the conversation I had, but it was enough for me to stop the process.

As I was being talked to by the paramedics and told them my story, my status at that late night I grew a bit more and found something I was not expecting. Love of a complete stranger and support.

I went to the ER and my old case worker who helped me through the loss of Will was there as she was on call that evening. I was released and the sheriff drove me over to my sponsors house and then I slept. I was taken off duty from work and had 10 days of psychiatrist evaluations, counciling, AA meetings. My family and friends found out and I know they fear for me and wish the best for me and to hellp me find the answers that I am trying to find.

I made a horrible mistake, but yet, it felt right at the time.... I need something that of which I do not know the answers to yet even with all the counciling... I will continue to fake it till I make it. I dont condone what I tried to do, I am just saying, at the time, it felt right...

I will continue to reach out and get the help I need and try to find the message that was whispered to me out in that field that night..

Please keep sending the email's whenever you need to vent or talk, also I like to hear about how your days are going, as I said in my last email I think you have the strength to see this through, you just need time to find it.

Keep posting here whenever you feel you need help to get through any bad days that may come your way, the guys here will be more than happy to help you get through...and you know you can email me anytime you want to.

I have been told that if I put it out there, it has no power over me... I was reading a bit about the man who had his leg amputated below the knee. Oh yes, he will walk again with his wooden leg, but the pain and nerve endings still are there and hurt remains and probably will to some degree for the rest of his life. I have learned to deal with the loss of Will but as Mikie told me, not to have him to be able to share and vent and hug, it has become a bit more of a challenge. Thank you all for your messages of support and love. I know the saying "long term solution to a short term problem" but I have apparently been having some issues for awhile that festered in my own mind that night and I must not be that vulnerable. I have been told I am to sensitive and need to get over the loss. Or redfine your values. I am stubborn I guess. I will not rest uintil I can put these buttons in my mind "out of service" and not even a viable option when things get hard. Life is hard for all of us and I know that... I am not going to duck out of this. But I might through a punch or two

Thank you... I am sorry if I offended anyone, but putting things on paper helps me..

I can't even imagine the anguish your going through. It just must be so dark and so dense and so deep that not even what I consider to be the most beautiful spot on God's green earth can ease your burden. After a rough winter with the heavy snow fall and the spring runoff, I just can't help but think that everything is as it should be. The columbine in bloom, the Bells looming over the green valley, the Fryingpan winding its way down the valley, the water teeming at its banks, the fish jumping, the birds humming. The beauty you see and the buzz you hear is Will saying that everything will be all right. Your'e right. Life is hard. So ford that river. Climb that mountain. Traverse that wall. Catch that fish. You've done these things before and you know how hard they are to do but you keep going back, don't you? Getting over Will's death isn't going to be easy either but it's something you know you can do, just like those mountains you climb. And it's something you'll need to do again and again everyday when you see that the beauty around you is just a reminder of all the good that Will brought into your life. And you want to be a part of that.

Robert, thanks for reminding me.... Seems hard to beleive I live in the suicide capital of Colorado. More per capita that anywhere else in Colorado.. I have set alot of things in motion for the good of my sanity and whatever becomes of my actions on these matters, I am willing to live with the consequences of these actions even though It might make my life difficult for sometime. I will never go out for a walk with a sharp object and I will never go out without my cell phone no matter what. I continue to check in with my case workers and telling them what I am doing to resolve the anxiety, the fears I have and have shaken up my schedule to do this. I love where I live, I just get lonely. My biggest triger is lonelyness, so I call a friend and we talk and that usually fixes my attitude towards people, places things and boses.

It would be nice to hook up again with some of my gay friends of which I have very few where I live. Denver I had a good connection including a gay church. I miss that... I still miss Will and I imagine that just is part of this life... Regrets and resentments have no business between my ears and I am now working even harder on them as they seem to still be alll around me when I am alone.. Not good for me.

Thanks again for the post. I will hit the bells soon and get my gear on and go up to that 14er and remember times before I met Will and the connection I get when I go there..

I am so glad you are actively focused on taking steps to address your depression, and other issues which led you to attempt to take your life. It's not easy, but it's something you have to do every day -- and it will get better. Loneliness can be a very big trigger, so I am glad you are reaching out to people, including us here on the forums. I'm glad you're here.

Hugs,

Henry

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"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." - Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Eric, hope you're continuing to do well. Dealing with all those issues totally alone can cause those thoughts/actions to seem like the only way to deal with it. Unfortunately, I think many of us understand too completely what you were dealing with. I'm glad you had the strength to take another look at your options. The loss of a life partner (IMO) is harder in the gay community. We don't have the external support that we require and that sometimes leads to desperate means. I'm not sure how long ago you lost you Will, but it does eventually get better. Doesn't completely go away, but does get easier to deal with those situations.

Take care and continue to work on it all.

Greg.

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Complacency is the enemy. Challenge yourself daily for maximum return on investment.

Thank you so much.... This week I went down to see my Mom and Dad in Denver. Dad just went through a 5 hour surgery on replaceing a artery from his heart to his legs at 79 years old. Being and old doctor he knew all to well what was in store and I could tell he was frightened. So, I was there for him and I dont know about some gay guys but the connections with their parents seems to be quite diffrerent. While Dad was in ICU step down he was not eating and very depressed (runs in the family). I got to put a smile on his face and helped get started back to eating. Tell you what my problems are small considering and I continue to look at the blessings of this life. I slip back like I am on a slippery slope, but I keep trying to stay at altitude. My other trigger was work and I put alot out on the table about my concerns without going into any great detail of my attempt and things began to look up there to. Biggest thing for me is to be able to handle them as they come and not over react or not reach out or just feel sorry for myself... Not easy sometimes. I thnk William would and is happy that I made it (with his help and wisdom) which I learned while he was alive.... Thanks again for being concerned and loving guys. This is my connection to the community be it gay or hiv..

Contained in everything I doThere's a love, I feel for youProclaimed in everything I writeYou're the lightBurning, brightlyOnward through the nightOnward through the nightOnward through the night of my life

Displayed in all the things I seeThere's a love you show to mePortrayed in all the things you sayYou're the dayLeading the wayOnward through the nightOnward through the nightOnward through the night of my life

As surely as there are hard times and there will be more of them, there are also going to times when the sun comes out and you'll think I am so glad to be here for this.

You just get the whole deal, Eric.

Personally, I work at keeping it simple. Just being present for this day, this moment. Right now I am listening to the Dawes, a group that opened for Alisson Krauss and Union Station here the earlier this evening. Knocked me out with sweet rock singing. And Union Station and AK, what great fiddling. I'm glad I was here for them.

We're just each doing the best we can. Good that you're around and giving out with the thoughts and ways of expressing which you express in your own particular way.

Dear Eric,I hope things are settling for you and the loss and loniness you can feel is not so raw all the time,I am sure many off us can relate to your recent experiances even if like me they do not have the ability to clearly express that part off there life.Your ability to do so is helpfull to me as you faced the feelings,and shared them which reduces the loniness I have about areas off my life.Thanks and take good care off yourselft

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"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ." Tony Benn

Thank you for your posts... Its rather iluminating the time I have spent between then and now and how things evolve (me) and change for the better.... Not by my own doing but by the help from others...

I have some things to look forward to and I am even thinking about trying to go out and date again... Or, least figure out how to have a puppy again...

Here is song that makes me feel good... It sorta expresses me better than me trying to write it...

Mike... I have had two exceptional weeks.... The Aspens are gold and that chill of winter to come is in the air... I have made some committments to myself that I can hold myself responsible for and not others to make me happy. Its fun to put stuff back on the calender and look forward to them. I am swinging by our shelter every couple of days and taking dogs out for walks... It all feels much better.. Where was I two months ago, just blows me away when I think about it... So I dont...

It takes a while, Eric, from baby steps at first, through steps backwards, to moving ahead again with an occasional leap forward, to get back into the groove of life after losing a love. (We're not going to talk about the rare stumble that'll still happen from time to time, because there's just nothing you can do about that but cry a bit more and be surprised that grief can still be potent when so many yrs and so much good life has gone by.)

I'm really glad to hear that you're having some good times again. It's hard to move forward; but I knew that you had the strength to do it. Ah ha! Now I see! Walking those dogs is what has given you the puppy-fever so much. LOL Only the barest of leaf-changing going on here, and we're still having highs in the upper 70 to low 80s, so I don't want to hear about the chill. LOL Our nights are getting chilly though and I still have to get into the now cold pool water one last time to uncap the drain, so I'm waiting for a good sunny, really warm day (probably the last one coming later this week) before I finally say goodbye to Summer.

ps... I know this to be Williams second anniversary of his death on the 22nd of October. This song is pretty appropriate about getting on with life.. William still miss you but I did create an account in Match.com... (I will burn in hell for it)..