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Saturday, September 3, 2011

Party Time - Why People Stand You Up

This is an acerbic post directed at no one in particular. Although it is Father's Day tomorrow and I've no plans to make an appearance in the family home...

Ever wondered why people stand you up?

You’ve invited them to countless parties and social gatherings and they just don’t show up for one reason or another...

Social anxiety disorder, double bookings, pregnancy, labour, illness, tiredness and child minding aside, there are other less obvious reasons why your guests often decline or simply do not show up.

They are introverted - Amazing how many social event organisers simply do not understand this reason but it really is one of the most valid and common reasons why guests would choose to avoid social gatherings. Here is a reminder of what introversion is all about.

Venue - You chose a venue that is far too inaccessible and inconvenient for them to get to based on their standards of inconvenience (not yours!) Yes, I know, you took great pains to choose the venue and had your friends’ best interest at heart but you may be mistaken thinking the venue is easy for them to get to. That may not be the case.

They are sick of giving – whoooops, that was blunt. But it really is a valid reason. Let’s face it, it’s always about you, your birthday, your anniversary, you being the center of attention, your going to-and-fros, you organising an audience of admirers, you wanting others to meet at a particular time/place of your choice, you wanting them to make the effort of bringing in gifts and what not. It does not take idiot savant syndrome to identify a salient pattern here. Yep, it's all about you. After a while…only masochists or individuals who have no life of their own can put up with this mindless one-sided giving.

You hurt their feelings at the last social event. Ok, they did come to your party last time and you were not exactly a very good host. Hell, you came one hour late while your guests waited, you did not offer them anything to drink, you did not thank them for coming, you did not even try to talk to them or ensure they felt included…I could go on. Again, remember they are supposed to be your friend, not a masochist.

You're an Advice Dispensing Machine - At gatherings in the past, your guests or relatives have been left wondering whether this is a social reunion or a counselling appointment. They've barely sat down and you spare them none of your endless wisdom, dispensing advice every ten minutes about how they should do their hair, what they should do with their life, what they have done 'wrong' so far with their life. Has it ever occurred to you that you might not have all the answers? And that your guests are weary of your insecure attempts at justifying your own choices in life?

Let’s face it, you are not really their friend. By what logic do you expect a person to give of their time to support you socially if you berate, embarrass or insult them on a regular basis? By what logic do you expect a person to give of their time for you if you cannot spare five seconds or less to say something positive or encouraging to them? By what logic do you expect a person to be there for you, when you were clearly never there for them? Not going to happen.

You are a User: Part 1 – It's official, you like to surround yourself with attractive, seemingly successful or influential girls and/or guys and be seen with them to raise your social profile. And you think no one has noticed this?

You are a user: Part 2 – No one likes to show up to a party knowing that they are simply there to be used for making their host feel good especially when that host has zero interest in them. The only time you can expect this form of selfless adulation is at your wedding. Grow up.

Your guests are jealous of you – You have a new job, you are soon heading on a holiday, you have a brand new <insert something your friends value here> and happen to be bursting with joy. It’s time to celebrate your life with your friends. Yay! After all, that’s what friends are for. Yes? Sadly, jealousy often rears its ugly head. Your happiness may make your friends realise that they are missing out on something. By choosing to avoid the social gathering, they avoid seeing you happy and it’s less painful for them.

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Laura Rahme's Blog

About the author

Laura Rahme is an Australian-French author based in Sydney. Of Lebanese, French and Vietnamese heritage, Laura has a passion for history, art and the human sciences. She holds degrees in Engineering and Psychology. Laura has published three historical novels. THE MING STORYTELLERS (2012) is a historical epic set in China's Early Ming Dynasty. THE MASCHERARI (2014) is a historical mystery with supernatural themes set in late medieval Venice. Her third novel, JULIEN'S TERROR (2017) is a psychological mystery/thriller set in revolutionary France.