Day 5… the last day.
… My pal Beach tagged me to participate in the ‘a song a day challenge’… seriously, go see his gorgeous photos… son of a beach. Also, he is awesome.

The rules.

Post a song a day for five consecutive daysPost the name of the song and videoPost what the lyrics mean to you (optional)Nominate two different bloggers each day of the challenge

I have now fully flaked out on the nominating part. As is my custom.

Believer.This is a song about pain and darkness. You know… a song about me.

No… that’s a very self-centered thing to say. I’m pretty sure the song wasn’t written for me. But the message… it’s exactly how I think. And it’s comforting, validating, almost empowering to listen to this song.

I may have had an epiphany recently. I haven’t said anything because I’m afraid to tell anyone when I feel good because they’ll never want to hear me not feel good again. Oh yes, I absolutely do see how ridiculous that is. But there it is anyway. That’s my brain.

No one ever taught me how to handle pain. Maybe this is something I should have naturally figured out on my own… but I never did. I was taught to hide it… which, of course, made me ashamed of it. I drove myself mad trying to keep the pain and darkness to myself. And there was no point… because eventually, it was going to come rushing out of me with or without my permission. And it felt more ‘normal’ for me to express my pain… my darkness… whether through some creative means or just talking to someone who understood me… or who at least tried… instead of just walking away.

It took me a long time (and I’m not ‘done’ yet) to accept my pain and my darkness… To own it. To use it. To benefit from it. To recognize it as a strength, not a weakness. I fail at this a LOT. Some days, I stare into the dark and sob and wish things could just be easy… wish I was ‘one of those people’ for whom things just seem to always fall into place. Some days, I can’t stop dwelling on the things I’ve never had in my life or will never have again. [And no, I cannot make these things happen no matter how hard I work at it… not the things I want… they are largely out of my control…]

I’ve never felt that I ‘love myself’. I’m not even sure what that means. But there are parts of me I wouldn’t trade. Brains, creativity, talent, a few choice physical features, and yes… darkness.

I have this amazing friend who treats me with love and respect and kindness no matter what. I don’t know what I did to deserve a friend like her… but she may be the most supportive human being I’ve ever known. She once told me something that I’ve never forgotten. I’m going to butcher this because I don’t remember her exact words, but it went something like this…

Darkness is beautiful in you. Deep and mysterious… Your darkness makes you YOU.

Why would I want to lose the darkness? The trick is to keep it… but not let it break me. I’ll never master that… but maybe I’ll get better at it.

First things first I’ma say all the words inside my head I’m fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh The way that things have been, oh ooh Second thing Second, don’t you tell me what you think that I can be I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea, oh ooh The master of my sea, oh ooh

I was broken from a young age Taking my soul into the masses Write down my poems for the few That looked at me took to me, shook to me, feeling me Singing from heart ache from the pain Take up my message from the veins Speaking my lesson from the brain Seeing the beauty through the

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer (Pain, pain) You break me down, you build me up, believer, believer (Pain) I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain My luck, my love, my God, they came from (Pain) You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Third things third Send a prayer to the ones up above All the hate that you’ve heard has turned your spirit to a dove, oh ooh Your spirit up above, oh ooh

I was choking in the crowd Living my brain up in the cloud Falling like ashes to the ground Hoping my feelings, they would drown But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing Inhibited, limited Till it broke up and it rained down It rained down, like

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer (Pain, pain) You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer (Pain) I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain My luck, my love, my God, they came from (Pain) You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Last things last By the grace of the fire and the flames You’re the face of the future, the blood in my veins, oh ooh The blood in my veins, oh ooh But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing Inhibited, limited Till it broke up and it rained down It rained down, like

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer (Pain, pain) You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer (Pain) I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain My luck, my love, my God, they came from (Pain) You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

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About what sandra thinks

Sandra is a writer, blogger, poet, artist, emotional disaster. She thinks far too much and sleeps far too little. Sandra lives in the Northeastern U.S. but dreams of an oceanfront home in Hawaii where she could learn to surf. She loves books, brutal honesty, coffee, and the color black. She hates insincerity, beer, whipped cream, and facebook. And she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person.

28 Responses to a song a day: day 5.

Great pick! You said it all: maintain the darkness the makes you you, but NEVER let it break you! Like we were talking about the other day, the creativity and sense of humor and even inspiration that comes from the darker side is amazing. Just tap into that keg of dark when needed, not rule your entire existence. Easy breezy, right? 😃
Thanks for playing along! Hope it inspired a bit of mojo for the coming month. 😊

Really? Pain made him a believer… seems to me he’s using it… writing from it… seeing beauty in it. I don’t think he wants to be freed. I don’t want to be either. I don’t believe anyone truly can be freed of it… if it’s in there, it’s in there. Might as well take advantage of it. But this is all just how my brain works… And of course, this is the magic of music… Interpretations may vary!

I do agree that the darkness is part of your personality and you make use of it well. Whatever works for you and doesn’t overwhelm you. Sometimes I feel the need to write about things in a humorous and upbeat way because I know that’s what people expect from me. And when I can’t, I have to just pull back. I don’t do dark well…

I know, but even my family does it. I’m sure they expect it cause it’s what I’ve always done… I am definitely more comfortable this way. It’s all wrapped up in not needing help, not wanting pity, etc. Or maybe it’s just the meds!

Tears reading this Sandra….You are one of the most incredible people I know. You see, by you writing about what you go through, it just might help someone else. You are strong in so many ways. I’m so fucking proud of you for writing this. I cannot say it enough, how talented you are and expressive. You’re pain and strength are part of your talents and your darkness puts out this amazing quality about you, you know this. And you’re embracing it, again, so proud of you. I can’t stop the tears, damn you, Hugs Sweetness!

Aww… I am so sorry! I didn’t mean to make anyone cry! But… I am glad that you understood everything I was saying here. I’m not sure many did… hard to tell from the comments. But I’m not even a little surprised that you understand me. I wish I could say I feel as good as I felt when I wrote this, but it kind of varies. I don’t feel bad though… so, still better. And I wish I could grasp that I am any of the things you said… incredible, amazing and all of that. I’m not sure about those things… but I think I finally get that I shouldn’t try to change myself as much as handle myself differently. Anyway… you are the best and I hope you know that when you say things like this to me, I feel like maybe I’m worth it (whatever ‘it’ is). ♥ xo

There it is again, the melancholy leading to inspiration. Such a thing has always been the lot of artists, poets, musicians and writers. And as much as I feel it is integral to creativity, wouldn’t it be great to shut it down sometimes? We’ve had this talk before… how much of it would you give up to be at ease, to have a measure of happiness. And then on the other hand how much would losing creativity bear on our happiness? Around and around we go… That is the thing that troubles me – that it can’t just be tapped into at will. If you figure it out, be sure to let us in on the secret, love! Anyway, the song is a perfect way to end the series. ❤

Thanks… Yes. It’s a strange coincidence, really, that this song came out recently right when I find myself at a place like I described in this post… and like I hear in the song. I kind of feel like it’s a healthy compromise… because let’s face it… the darkness can’t go away even if I wanted it to… and I don’t.

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