Homer: [mocks] "Uh, your youngest daughter". Well how about this? This thing says my mother's still alive; she died when I was a kid! [goes to the window] See that stone angel up there? That's my mother's grave. My dad points it out every time we drive by.

Lisa: This is so weird. It's like something out of Dickens or "Melrose Place."

Bart: Where have you been, Granny? Did they freeze you or something?

Mother Simpson: Oh, my, such clever grandchildren. So full of questions and bright, shiny eyes.

Marge: I don't know what to say: I finally have a mother-in-law. [laughs nervously] No more living vicariously through my girlfriends. [laughs more, then coughs]

Bart: Hey, since you were a no-show at all the big moments of my life, you owe me years of back presents, Christmases, report cards (grabs a calculator) Hmm, 75 bucks a pop plus interest and penalties…you owe me $22,000.

Homer: I'll Kwanzaa you! (strangles Bart)

Mother Simpson: Homer, don't be so hard on little… (whispers) what is his name?

Homer: This is my room, and this is my dresser. It's where I keep my shirts when I'm not wearing them.

Lisa: Just shut up and listen! There's something fishy about Grandma: whenever we ask her where she's been all this time, she changes the subject. And just now, when a police car drove by, she ran into the house.

Bart: Yeah, I don't trust her either. When I was going through her purse, look what I found! [hands Lisa some driver's licenses]

Mother Simpson: [looking at Joe Namath] His wild, untamed facial hair revealed a new world of rebellion of change. A world where doors were open for women like me. But Abe was stuck in his button-down plastic-fantastic Madison Avenue scene.

Grampa: Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, Johnny Unitas. There's a haircut you could set your watch to.

Kenny Brocklestein: [on TV] Only one member of the Springfield Seven was identified. She's been described as a woman in her early 30's, yellow complexion, and may be extremely helpful. For Channel Six News, I'm Kenny Brockelstein.

[Mother Simpson walks into Homer's room while he's asleep]

Mother Simpson: Homer...[kisses him, weeps] I'm sorry. [walks out]

Homer: [in the present] I thought I dreamed that kiss.

Marge: I'm so sorry I misjudged you, Mom. You had to leave to protect your family.

Homer: There's one thing I don't understand, Mom...in all those years, why didn't you try to contact me?Mother Simpson: But I did. I sent you a care package every week!

Homer: Oh come on Ma, we use that same line on the kids when they're at camp.