Speaking of Appalachia and the Civil War, a couple of young punks allegedly vandalized a cemetery and historic church in Hamblen County, TN, just down the road from my neck of the woods. James Longstreet spent some time in that area following his unsuccessful attempt to take Knoxville in late ’63. His men used the church in question as a hospital, and the cemetery includes some Civil War burials. I visited the site a few years ago; it’s a very cool place. The youths were evidently ghost-hunting, a popular vocation for people whose families dread being asked about them when they run into friends in the supermarket.

Luckily, authorities were able to track down the culprits because one of these criminal masterminds (and I’m not making this up) actuallyleft his bicycle at the scene, seemingly oblivious to the fact that leaving your personal belongings lying around the place where you’ve committed a crime is generally not the best way to evade detection. No word yet on whether or not these kids are enrolled in any of their school district’s gifted programs; somehow I don’t think they are.

What juvenile vandals really need is just a firm but gentle push in the right direction. While standing over a pit filled with live crocodiles.