Tuesday Watch List: Hippos Go Berserk!

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Welcome to Watch List, where we identify five things on TV to watch while you stay at home and pray for the NFL lockout to end today. Oh please please please tell me that this nightmare from whence I could never escape has finally lifted its dark shroud upon the landscape. There will be much rejoicing. LET’S GO!

DRUG KINGPIN HIPPOS – 10:00PM (Animal Planet) Do I even need to explain this show to you? It’s called “Drug Kingpin Hippos”. I want to name my band Drug Kingpin Hippos, it’s so fantastic. Like this won’t be the greatest show of all time. It’s about the wild hippos of Pablo Escobar, the infamous Colombian druglord who died in 1993 and apparently was quite the hippo enthusiast, almost as much as he was a drug and violence enthusiast. Anyway, with Escobar gone, his wild hippos have begun to roam free and terrorize local Colombians. It’s a serious problem that would make for perhaps the greatest horror movie of all time. ANTICIPATION: DRUG KINGPIN HIPPOS!

IT’S WORTH WHAT? – 8:00PM (NBC) For this new primetime game show, NBC has fused together “The Price Is Right” with “Antiques Roadshow” and created a game where contestants have to guess the value of certain items and collectibles. Presiding over all this is Cedric the Entertainer, because something like this is always presided over by Cedric the Entertainer. Know what item I really want to know the price of? A drug kingpin hippo. ANTICIPATION: PRICEY!

LUDO BITES AMERICA – 9:00PM (Sundance) If you liked “Top Chef Masters,” you undoubtedly remember Ludo LeFabvre, the nutjob Frenchie who almost always got eliminated early and got mad at everyone for not understanding the brilliance of his dish. Ludo has since become one of the biggest chefs in LA, and now this show has him traveling across the country opening pop-up restaurants (the hipsteriest way to eat) in various locales, including Santa Fe in the premiere. Expect tantrums aplenty. It’s funny when he does it because he’s French. ANTICIPATION: LE MEW!

MONSTER KITCHEN – 9:00PM (Food Network) Another new food show, this one featuring hosts Eric Greenspan and Michael Fiorelli as they challenge two contestants each week to make various monster items, including huge donuts tonight. Oh, huge donut. I will sleep on you and then eat you come morning. You’re like a drug kingpin donut. ANTICIPATION: BIG DONUTS!

TRUE GRIME: CRIME SCENE CLEANUP – 10:00PM (id) A new show about people who have to clean up grisly crime scenes. Why do I suspect the cleaners look nothing like Amy Adams and Emily Blunt? ANTICIPATION: EWWWWWW