'''Fat Albert''' is the coolest guy ever. I mean, seriously. No matter what he does, he stays that cool homie that he is, man. You can't make '''Fat Albert''' un-cool. He defines the coolness here. And that fashion! Uh-huh!

'''Fat Albert''' is the coolest guy ever. I mean, seriously. No matter what he does, he stays that cool homie that he is, man. You can't make '''Fat Albert''' un-cool. He defines the coolness here. And that fashion! Uh-huh!

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“Everyone knows Fat Albert! I mean, this guy is da bomb! If you don't know Fat Albert, than you aren't cool. Only cool people know Fat Albert.”~ Oscar Wilde on coolness

Fat Albert is the coolest guy ever. I mean, seriously. No matter what he does, he stays that cool homie that he is, man. You can't make Fat Albert un-cool. He defines the coolness here. And that fashion! Uh-huh!

Contents

History of Fat Albert

No-one's quite sure where Fat Albert came from. Some say his mother died when she gave birth. Others say he is immortal, and has been here since the Big Bang, which is likely. Others say that his mother is in orbit. Anyway, yeah, nobody knows where he came from except Fat Albert and Jesus. However, it is rumored that Fat Albert weighed 2,000 pounds at birth, and maintained that weight for the rest of his life. Not many people can do that like Fat Albert can. He is that cool.

I once bet Fat Albert five bucks that he couldn't eat that there truck over there. The guys all laughed when I lost five dollars. I mean, Fat Albert just picked it up, and was like, UUUUUULLLLPPPPP! and he ate the truck whole. He didn't even chew! That's how cool Fat Albert is.

Afterwards, I asked him how he could ever eat the whoooole thing without chewing. "What's chewing?" he asked me. Now that is just too cool a thing to say. Only Fat Albert can do it.

Fun Times

Yeah, me and Fat Albert go way back. I remember this one time when we were gonna go on a roller coaster, and the attendant was like, “uh-uh.” Fat Albert didn’t think that was a very nice thing to say, so he talked it over with the attendant while holding him high up in the air. Fat Albert did most of the talking, and the attendant did most of the screaming. The people on the roller coaster thought it was pretty funny, though.

Eventually, Fat Albert got to ride the roller coaster. Well, kinda. He got in the seat, and it broke. So he tried another one, and that one broke too. So then he tried to get in the very back seat, where there’s a lot of room, and it still broke. So Fat Albert got angry and kicked the roller coaster. Hard.

I hear it’s somewhere in Zimbabwe now. That or the moon.

The coolest thing we ever did together was play street football Yeah, man, we would always win. The opposing team would take one look at Fat Albert and break down, crying, and begging us not to play them. Eventually we got so good at street football that we had to quit playing, because we were running out of tissues to give to the other team when they saw Fat Albert. Cuz that’s how cool he is.

Meals

Man, that Fat Albert sure does go through the food. If there’s one thing you never want to do, like, EVER, it’s get between Fat Albert and some food. I remember this one time when I did that by accident, and he almost ate me instead. It’s not easy to see when your cheeks get in the way of your eyes, but I guess that’s the price you pay for being cool.

You know, where I live, there aren’t any more All You Can Eat restaurants any more. Sometimes me and Fat Albert wonder why this is. Once I even heard that Fat Albert moved to a completely different country in order to buy All You Can Eat food again.