ALLDERBLOB day proclaimed March 17

What is it about March 17, you ask?

Also known as St Patrick’s Day, a celebration of the 4th century Christian saint who is said to be responsible for the fact there are no snakes in Ireland, March 17 is henceforth to be christened [ahem–ed.] “ALLDERBLOB day.”

After all, while March 17 is the day St Patrick, the patron saint of engineers and of Nigeria, died, it is also the day the ALLDERBLOB launched its first volley against the parade of car salesmen, whether used or new: and with them the purveyors of car-porn in the international media.

These are today’s snakes. It is they who must be driven from the land (or at least the newspaper).

A Parade Also Known as St Patrick’s takes place in many cities in North America on March 17. In it, people in fancy dress march along the major avenues (Fifth in New York, Michigan in Chicago, etc.). That they march on foot hardly needs stressing [but luckily we have an italic font anyway –ed.].

The ALLDERBLOB parade has yet to be invented, but everybody loves a parade and we must have one. Maybe once the paint dries on the Bloor/Danforth Tooker Gomberg Memorial Bikelane we can hold it there. We will welcome gays and lesbians in ours, of course, unlike the New York St. Patrick’s day parade (odd, isn’t it, that a man dressed in robes, driving snakes before his feet, is acceptable to those homophobes?). Keep in mind that St Patrick is known as “the first to speak out against slavery and in defense of women.” We respect him. We know if he were alive today he would speak out, like the most pious Gov Rounds of S. Dakota, in favour of “the most vulnerable of road users.”

We feel confident St Patrick would willingly share his special day with the ALLDERBLOB.

Now St. Patrick’s day is a national holiday in some parts of the world, notably the province of Newfoundland and Labrador. It has certain practices associated with it, such as the wearing of green vestments, the dying green of various watercourses (notable among these the Chicago ship and sanitary canal, and the city fountains in Savanah Georgia). Should we mention that people drink to excess on St Patrick’s day? Green beer anyone? We prefer not to think about the “Irish Car Bomb” (a shot of Baileys and Jameson dropped into a pint of Guinness).

Surely the ALLDERBLOB after a full year of fulmination deserves a holiday too. And could not our most creative minds be put to work devising similar product associations for the new “ALLDERBLOB day”? We imagine a glorious annual bonfire of car porn from the centrefolds of the daily papers, held at the plaza beneath 1 Yonge St. (in Toronto–note that the wind-swept plazas of other newspaper office buildings, in other cities, would eventually deserve their own bonfires as the holiday catches on). Localized bonfires could be held in the parking lots of 7-11s and 9-11s in suburban areas, as the movement grows. A wearing of pants’-clips, in a variety of reflective colours, would signify membership in our rank. A drink, surely to god a drink could be quaffed: We nominate “the Alldergrog:” an appetizing mixture of carrot juice and congealed lamb’s blood, suitably sweetened with honey and topped with grated celeriac, served warm [surely to god not –ed.].

Hmm. Perhaps we shall accept suggestions for some other suitable beverage mixture.

Thank you. The happiest of ALLDERBLOB days to you. It has been an… interesting twelvemonth.