Wednesday, 30 April 2014

Rangers and Celtic haven't played each other for a few years since Rangers went and got liquidated but that hasn't stopped them hating each others' guts enough to set off fireworks and smoke bombs at an under-17s youth final.

As the match kicked off, a group of Rangers casuals with scarves over their faces and a number of Celtic fans tried to break through segregated areas after goading each other with sectarian songs.

With their own reporter adding:

“I’ve covered games for over a decade and have never been so revolted. It’s a kids’ game and should have been the highlight of their footballing careers but the headlines again will be the behaviour of the fans.”

It's just wonderful stuff and really goes to show what a lovely bunch of supporters both teams have. I mean the last time I saw anyone get this passionate about a kids' sporting event was when my Uncle Ken was very unfairly taken away by the police on sports day. They said it was for "inappropriate behaviour" but if taking your pants off in the hot summer sun is "inappropriate" then lock me up right now.

Everton forward Kevin Mirallas has been told to keep his opinions to himself by Belgium manager Marc Wilmots after he questioned Adnan Januzaj's World Cup credentials.

Manchester United winger Januzaj, 19, declared his allegiance to Belgium last week, ending a season-long saga in which England, Albania and Kosovo had all expressed an interest in his services.

But while Wilmots welcomed Januzaj's decision, Mirallas was less accommodating.

My god - just how racist is Kevin Mirallas being about poor young Adnan? Do his evil thoughts know no boundaries?!

‘Adnan does not know the group, and the fact is, he has not had much game time at Manchester United lately. It’s not as if we are short of good players in that area of the team. In fact, there are a lot of good players in his position in the Belgium squad, so it is going to be difficult for him.

‘He has yet to prove at United that he can be their No 1 asset in his particular position. I think for him, the European Championships in 2016 would be a more realistic target.’

Argh! I can't believe the hatred coursing through his veins. Just wait until Adnan Januzaj gets a game in the World Cup, fannies about with the ball for 20 seconds before pinging it into the stand behind the goal and disappearing for 4 months. I guess we'll all know who'll be looking pretty silly then, Kevin Mirallas.

Tottenham and England winger Andros Townsend is set to miss this summer's World Cup after being ruled out for up to 10 weeks with an ankle injury.

The 22-year-old came on for the last 12 minutes of Saturday's 1-0 win at Stoke, but left the stadium wearing a protective boot.

He will have surgery on Thursday after scans showed damaged ligaments.

I know it's hard to take on this sad, sad day and every man, woman and child alive expected Townsend to light up the streets of Brazil with his incredible skills. Perhaps if we're lucky and we wait until the World Cup in Russia in 2018, we'll finally get a chance to see skills like 'sitting on the bench', 'kicking a ball from 30 yards' and 'running'.

Tuesday, 29 April 2014

Footballers around the world have united in their fight against the one true evil of this world - Rita from Power Rangers. And also racism, which I think also featured heavily in Power Rangers.

By that I of course am referring to the use of the black guy in the group having to have the black ranger costume and the Asian one having no choice but to be the yellow one. It appears that I am incapable of taking anything seriously and that is why I spent ten minutes today drawing cocks on all of the photos, because that is funny.

This reaction is, of course, to support Dani Alves under the slogan 'We Are All Monkeys' which while technically true, should be changed to 'We All Descended From Apes' as that is factually more accurate. Dani Alves had a banana thrown at him you see, which he then ate on the pitch. Thankfully, the person who threw the banana has since been found and banned for life from the stadium it was in. Good. I would obviously never condone violence but if anyone fancied kicking him in the balls a lot then that would be better.

Alves said:

"There is a lot of racism [in Spain] towards foreigners," he told Radio Globo.

"It's sold as a first world country but there are some things which are long overdue. Fifa should pay attention to such things."

They should pay particular attention to me because I eat lots of bananas and had no idea that I was making such a powerful statement by doing so. I think it's safe to say that I am probably one of the most anti-racist people of all time, I wish I could still talk to my family's old butler about it - he'd be so proud.

Only joking! I'm pretty sure he escaped. So if you could find him I'd really appreciate that.

After 20 amazing years as a professional footballer, I've decided to announce my retirement.

I will play my final game for Leicester on Saturday, at our home ground, having won the Championship title - and that seems like the perfect way to bow out.

Super Kev deserves a decent photo because I actually really like him. He's one of the only players in Premier League history to score 30 goals or more in one season, joining the likes of Alan Shearer, Thierry Henry, Cristiano Ronaldo, Andy Cole and Luis Suarez in a prestigious elite club. It's not as prestigious as the elite club I'm part of, which is called the NO GIRLS CLUB. It's clever you see, because since they aren't allowed to join, all the girls will want to! I'm a genius. All I have to do now is wait in my shed (HQ) and wait for the hotties to roll in once they've read the sign.

Forgotten racist Luis Suarez bit someone on a football pitch 12 months ago but on Sunday night the PFA give him an award for being so awesome. Congratulations!

This is already old news, which makes it olds, but Suarez won PFA player of the year, Hazard won young player and some other stuff probably happened too.

He was so pleased with himself that he recorded a little video with his wife later and thanked his teammates and kids for helping win it. And then I realised that he's a year younger than me, has a hot wife, two kids, millions of pounds and a PFA award when I spent my sunday evening crying on the floor of my bedroom swiping through Tinder and eating Pringles. Maybe one day he'll be as happy as me

Instead of getting his work experience at the Bromford Advertiser he's very cleverly gone straight to The Express:

But Mourinho managed to make his players feel 25-feet tall and, as such, they gave a strong, resilient performance against a side who were favourites to lift the championship. They did that by playing counter-attacking football and being compact defensively and that has proven to be key whenever they have come up against any top-four side this season.

That's just a small example of his genre defining work. I think it's really going to change the football world - nay - the journalist world, because he's really saying controversial things like touching upon what tactical style someone once used and including stereotyped football language. If there's one thing we need in the dying industry of print media, it's neutrality

Monday, 28 April 2014

Spent all weekend making this Game of Thrones parody about the Manchester United manager job. As we all know, Louis van Gaal is going to be announced as the manager this week so our friends at Full Time Devils very kindly asked for a video involving Game of Thrones.

Luckily for me I started watching them all about 2 weeks ago so that worked out well. Here are some screenshots so you can get the general idea.

So I really hope you don't share it or anything like that, that would just be soooo uncool.

Friday, 25 April 2014

Rangers are in the news again today. Try and guess if that's a good thing

From the BBC:

Chief executive Graham Wallace's 120-day business review sets out the club's intention to raise fresh equity in the autumn, win promotion from the Championship to the Premiership at the first attempt next season, before adding a Scottish title and being competitive in Europe by 2017.

I guess you can't accuse them of not being ambitious but there's more chance of Mila Kunis sending me photographs of her tits than Rangers being competitive in Europe by 2017. The reason Rangers are in such a bad situation anyway is because they kept overspending in a desperate, vein attempt to remain relevant and because the people in charge, just like the majority of their fans, are absolute scum bags. Surely they've changed their ways now! Oh, wait a minute

In a statement released to the stock exchange, Rangers admitted the £70.7m raised though season ticket sales, commercial revenues and a 2012 share issue had been spent "relatively quickly, and in some areas liberally".

Woops. So they've accidentally spent £70million in two years. How do you even manage that? I mean... that's really hard to do. At times like these it's important to think of the fans:

"The Catholics have won". I'm not sure I can sum up the average Rangers supporter better than that one sentence. Here's another tragic tale:

Now The Rangers won't even let people buy season tickets using credit or debit card and think they need to raise £30million to have a chance of gaining promotion and being competitive again. They pay Ally McCoist £800,000 a year to manage that team and he claims he's shocked by the findings. The manager. Ally McCoist gets paid £800,000 a year and doesn't understand why their finances are so bad.

If you asked anyone on that Rangers board how much something normal like a pint of milk costs, they'd just stare blankly at you until they noticed the mouse on the windowsill, at which point they'd throw back their head, unhinge their jaw and swallow it whole.

Ryan Giggs held his first press conference as Manchester United manager today and he made a funny joke and was very serious too. What a man!

Ol Giggsy was enjoying his new role as David Moyes killer at Old Trafford today and said things like this:

"I have supported Manchester United all my life, I have been a part of the club since I was 13. I am proud, I am happy, a little nervous and, just like playing, can't wait for the game on Saturday."

He also made a joke about offering himself a five year contract because he's the manager now which was so funny. Giggs is not only part of the Man United family, he's also part of the furniture so this appointment makes a lot of sense. Judging by how well Giggs treats his real family, I fully expect Old Trafford to be pregnant by next Tuesday

A cargo of Panini stickers was stolen in Rio de Janeiro on Tuesday, according to a report by Globo. With the World Cup approaching and collections in full flow around the world, a spokesperson for the company refused to say how many stickers had been stolen but did go as far as saying Rio would be "fully stocked", before confirming there are "no shortages" of stickers on newsstands in the host nation.

I'm just glad that nobody got hurt. I can't guarantee that no-one will be hurt of course, because if I get Hector Moreno or Javier Mascherano anymore times I am going to hunt them down and punch them to death. That, or kill everyone in the world. And doing that would still be easier than getting the Argentina shiny.

Thursday, 24 April 2014

I didn't used to believe in ghosts because it's absolute bullshit but NOW THERE IS INDISPUTABLE EVIDENCE OF GHOSTS AT A FOOTBALL GAME

As you can see from this footage of a game between Bolivia's The Strongest and Uruguay's Defensive Sporting, what is clearly a ghost runs through the stadium and right past several hundred fans. THROUGH THEM! The only possible explanation for this is that a phantom of some sort was in the stands and accidentally let the alive people see it, in the same way that toys don't let you see them talk and hang out when you are in the same room. But I know they do. And when I say toys I mean my friends

John Barnes was just minding his own business on holiday when some person came up and asked him to do the Anfield Rap because as we all know, celebrities exist purely to entertain normal people.

Well played, John Barnes. I always think of that bit in King of Comedy when Jerry Lewis turns down a photograph and the woman screams that she wants him to get cancer and die when I see things like this. It's one of the many reasons that I don't approach my favourite celebrities on the street anymore. That and court orders.

Adnan Januzaj has been the centre of international controversy as he basically gets to pick which country is his favourite to pretend he's from. This week he has chosen Belgium, land of chocolate and powerful beer.

Belgium coach Marc Wilmots posted on Twitter:

"I have received official confirmation that Adnan Januzaj wishes to play for the Belgian national team for the rest of his career!

"This is good news and I am delighted that such a talented player is available for selection for the Red Devils."

The 19 year old could have played for Kosovo, Albania, Belgium or if he waited another five years, England. I don't even think English people want to play for England anymore due to how the media and fans treat them so I don't really blame him for not deciding to play for a country he's only been in for about ten minutes. I've had girlfriends file restraining orders against me quicker than that

Some people have described Lionel Messi has a dribbling dwarf pumped full of steroids and drugs. They also say that about your Mum but now we know how they got him those drugs!

Police in Spain have arrested a bunch of people in connection with this haul of delicious chocolates, according to Sport:

Spanish police have busted a drug trafficking ring involving nine people in Valencia and Alicante. One of those arrested was a master 'Turrónero' — a person who makes Turrón nougat for confectionery stores — who had been using his skills to make marijuana-laced chocolates and nougat containing hallucinogenic mushrooms.

This story made me think what would happen if Christopher Nolan made a version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, where Willy Wonka is actually an international drugs tycoon, distributing various narcotics under the guise of a wacky confectionary factory owner. In this version of the story he's made weapons grade wine gums which could fall into the wrong hands and empower soviet russia. "They're just TOO DAMN DELICIOUSSSSSSSSSSS" the solitary soldier yells. And then Batman beats up Wonka on the steps at Trafalgar Square. I haven't really thought that end part through yet but I'm pretty sure I'll be hearing back from Warner Brothers any day now

Aberdeen legend Gordon Strachan was asked if he was disappointed about not being nominated for the PFA Scotland manager of the year award and said no and then told everyone that he basically does fuck all.

I love Gordon Strachan. I once watched him eat chilli while talking about how English people don't know how good they've got it watching the Premier League, moaning about "only" drawing 0-0 away to Barcelona while we have to get excited to play fucking Ross County eight times a year. Strachan told the BBC:

"I only play four or five games - I'm part-time," he joked. "These guys have got to do it week-in, week-out."

The men in the running for the prize, voted for by their fellow managers, are Celtic's Neil Lennon, Aberdeen's Derek McInnes, Motherwell's Stuart McCall and St Johnstone's Tommy Wright.

If there is any justice in the world the winner of that will be Derek Mcinnes. Not that I'm biased. At all.

"At the moment, the boys at the bottom of the league, that's hard work for the managers, how to deal with being at the bottom of the league.

"I meet some players every couple of months, we get together, have some fun, see how it goes and then get back down the road again."To be fair, while it is physically part-time, it is full time."

That last bit oddly is also the exact way that white people pretending to be gangsters describe their weekends

Wednesday, 23 April 2014

There are lots of stories in the news today about Manchester United but the biggest one is just who will replace poor old David Moyes?

The obvious choice, and bookies favourite, is Louie Van Gaal but this is mostly and almost entirely because there is almost literally no-one else available. Jurgen Klopp said no, Pep Guardiola said no, they've ruled out Ryan Giggs and already turned down Mourinho last summer, and Ancelotti is the manager of Real Madrid. That's it. There are no more managers in the world.

“He is, without question, the best manager I have ever played for. For me, he has proved himself to be one of the best managers and coaches in the world.

“He is very disciplined, very strict and is very attacking in his philosophy. I know English football well, and his style is suited to that.

“He believes in wingers, he is very strong and very tactical. The best word I can think of is demanding.

“He will never turn down Manchester United, believe me. I think it’s the job he really wants. And he will be a revelation at Manchester United.”

As a desperate Ed Woodward searches for someone to replace the guy he's just sacked without really having thought through who that might be, at least we know that a man who looks like Jim Henson made him in his factory is ready to answer the call. At any rate he can't really look any more of a muppet than Moyes already does, but that is mostly his own fault. The last time I saw someone crash this hard was Paul Walker. Or Ryan Dunn. Or whichever of those it's ok to make jokes about, I haven't been getting emails recently so I'm not sure

The "Greatest League In The World Ever Of All Time" is set to get even better because fucking LEICESTER KABLAHAAAAAH and BURNLEY ERMAGERD BLAHAHAHAHAHAJRGRGR have been promoted.

This kinda slipped me by because I honestly couldn't give a shit about either of these teams. Leicester I don't mind because Emile Heskey used to play for them, they have a nice blue strip, Kasper Schmeichal sounds like a friendly ghost and his Dad is Peter, and they were in the Prem back in the good old days, but Burnley are utterly pointless. They are the low alcohol beer at the party, the girlfriend of your friend that you can't be arsed getting to know better because you know he's going to get rid of her soon. Their manager is this guy

Sean Dyche thinks he is the fucking boy when in actual fact he has a sexual predator beard and he's ginger. He's basically about an ice cream van away from being the face of all child abduction photo fits ever.

This whole 'quenelle' thing seems to have really caught on with those darn Frenchies. I didn't know much about it until Anelka brought it to my attention, mostly because I'm not racist and believe the Holocaust existed. There are some things you inherit from your Grandparents and good fortune has it that these weren't two of the prizes I got.

You might think that it's really anti-simetic but if you listen to their argument you'll know that it's actually an anti-establishment movement which happens to be led by someone who just happens not to like Jewish people and the fact that that a large number of people do it specifically outside synagogues and Holocaust sites is totally irrelevant. Thank goodness, because for a moment there I thought they were all cunts

Remember that transfer ban Barcelona got last week? They do, and that's why they complained that it was unfair which is apparently all it takes for FIFA to lift very serious bans. Justice at last!

FIFA released this statement today:

the chairman of the FIFA Appeal Committee, Larry Mussenden, took into consideration the sanctions imposed against the club, the complexity of the matter, the start date of the next registration period – 1 July 2014 – and the fact that the FIFA Appeal Committee does not seem in a position to take a decision on the main issue early enough so that an eventual appeal of the club against its decision before the Court of Arbitration for Sport would still be decided before the beginning of the next registration period. Consequently, the chairman of the FIFA Appeal Committee considered that the appeal lodged by the club is to be granted suspensive effect.

In human language that means 'they are allowed to sign players again this summer'. I can't tell you why FIFA thinks this is a good idea but what I can tell you is that there aren't enough people in this world called Larry anymore.

"The last 15, 16 hours or however long it's been, I don't like it, it's not the way in which the club should portray itself," the former right-back, who won eight Premier League titles with United, told Sky Sports News.

"But it's the modern world, it's how things seem to be dealt with now, but I'm a traditionalist and I think it could have been dealt with a whole lot better. I believe in managers being given time, I think they should be allowed to complete their work. The idea of giving people three- and four- and six-year contracts and then getting rid of them after 10 months is something that's foreign to me.

I kind of agree with him. United fans used to pride themselves on being more honourable than other clubs but now they're just the same as everyone else, sneaking in two pints before last orders instead of waiting for the lock-in they used to be inevitably invited to later on by the owner.

"That's just not going to happen any more. It's something that I don't like about the modern game, the fact that managers get sacked every 12 months. It doesn't matter whether it's my club, it's United, or any other club.

"I genuinely believe there is a lack of decency now in the way in which football managers get dealt with at all the different clubs. They're just so much in the firing line and they accept it's a pressurised job, they get well paid for it, but I think there is a way of decency with dealing with people.

There is a decent way of telling people they've been fired and that's by not getting someone who looks like they work in a swimming pool to do it. Ed Woodward looks like his wife owns a candle business and went to India when she was 18, telling you over dinner that "oh the people are just so amazing, you just haaaaaave to go"

Tottenham’s Tim Sherwood is among the contenders to take over at Newcastle next season if Alan Pardew departs this summer.

Pardew is under increased pressure following Saturday’s 2-1 defeat by Swansea City and although his fate is still up in the air, Sportsmail understands that outgoing Tottenham boss Sherwood and former St James’ Park favourite Les Ferdinand are among those being considered to take over if ownder Mike Ashley pulls the trigger.

Even the dressing-room is divided. Mercurial Frenchman Hatem Ben Arfa can’t stand him. Others like midfielder Dan Gosling are hoping that Pardew’s return to the touchline against Arsenal next Monday having now completed a seven-match ban will trigger an upturn in Newcastle’s fortunes and save his job

At this point I'm pretty sure Mike Ashley just sits in his office thinking of ways to make people who live in Newcastle hate him even more than they thought possible.

"Sire, the peasants are happier than ever! Following your calming of the storm they have written songs of joy and poems celebrating your rule of the Kingdom. Doest thou wish to speak en masse to the people?"

Lionel Messi has been linked with moves to Manchester City and Manchester United and Bayern and Real recently which I am shocked by because it's almost as if he wants more money and needs leverage.

Lionel Messi vs Shark vs Lion

The magical midget, as he's known to his friends, is in the midst of contract negotiations right now. Club president Spanish Man said:

"He has made such an important contribution to this club and he will continue to do so. That's why we have no doubt that he will lead the future of the club. He is young, he is the best player in the world, and we believe in him."

It's so strange that he's being linked to all of those clubs at the same time he's asking for money. This is like when your girlfriend tells you how much bigger your best friend's dong is and you have to give her money to make her not leave you. I love her so much

Renowned football magazine 'Gizmodo' has reported that officials have Qatar have realised that their plan to build 12 stadiums in an area slightly larger than Vincent Kompany's forehead might have been at best a bad one, and at worse, utterly retarded.

I'm not saying that Qatar bribed their way into hosting the tournament, but what will say is I bet all those dead slaves are pretty pissed off right now. Gizmodo says:

Though no official reason was given for cutting four stadiums from the country's plans, an analyst told Businessweek that the decision was "motivated by cost-cutting following an assessment of the real needs on the ground." Qatar is planning to spend at least $200 billion building infrastructure and buildings for the World Cup. That includes gigantic air-conditioning systems planned for some venues, because summer temperatures in Qatar can hover around 122 Fahrenheit.

Deciding to host a World Cup in Qatar has all the marks of something that a drunk person decided to do one night and then realised far too late that people were taking them seriously. Like when you tell your ex that you totally want to give it another go when you convince her to come back to your house on Friday at 3am.

Poor old David Moyes got sacked this morning which is a real shame because I was thoroughly enjoying it. This is like when they show an advert during the movie on channel 4

Various newspapers broke the story this morning, even though we all knew yesterday, and it looks like United were just waiting for the stock exchange in New York to open before they binned him. Ed Woodward may look like someone who brings a packed lunch to work, but he was the man who sat across a desk and told old Moyes to "Giiiiiiiiiit out" which must have made it a hundred times worse. Like when someone younger than you is your boss.

So as you sit at your desk and rejoice at the news, remember you're laughing at a man who has had to put up with being ginger his entire life and whose final curtain was against his old club. This is basically like if you leave your wife for the young, hot flirty girl at work cos 'u r meant to b togetha 4eva' but then detect signs of mental very early on. The problem is that you can't go back now because you've left your kids and house, which was kind of a big statement, and I bet you really regret that now don't you? Having to go out for cocktails is exhausting, boring and expensive. Plus, no-one really uses Tinder anymore so how are you supposed to have sex? You should have thought about this more, Moyes!

Monday, 21 April 2014

The internet was in its dial up infancy when Alex Ferguson began his incredible tenure at Manchester United and as we learned to navigate the world wide web, the men at Old Trafford started work on an empire that would change the football universe. And then they hired David Moyes lol. Now they're sacking him, apparently

Picture by Paddy Power, who very kindly dressed someone up as the Grim Reaper at the Everton game

Poor old Moyes. To continue the technology analogy, he inherited what is essentially a laptop your parents have been using for years to successfully carry out their jobs: full of popup ads, slow and unresponsive and internet explorer is still on the desktop. Which is weird because you can't even get that on a Mac.

Moyes has no idea how to fix this computer because its previous owner knew all the little tricks to get it to work properly. Oh you want to Google something? Simply hold this button over here, bang on this bit and wait a couple of minutes - ta daaaa! That's what Tom Cleverley is for! Moyes, who traded in his adware free computer which he so loved for a chance on this brand new Macbook Pro, supposedly more powerful than ALL the other computers, has found himself using it like the old BBC computers where you can play that game where you have to get a badger across the road, or ask a young girl set in the magical world of Western Europe during World War Two if she would kindly show you her tits. She always says she doesn't understand but I know that she does.

He wants to search for answers but the search bar is set to Ask Jeeves and if he goes anywhere near RedTube the thing bursts into flames and begs for mercy at the very thought of being asked to display video. Even worse, he has hundreds of thousands of people with no more of a clue than he yelling at him to sort it out quickly. He'd ask for help but the guy who used to do that for Fergie has also fucked off.

Now according to the Daily Mail, The Glazers (c) have had enough and want a new guy to come in:

David Moyes will be sacked by Manchester United in the coming weeks and could even go before the end of the season.

United’s owners the Glazer family have finally lost patience with Moyes after a dismal season that has seen the reigning Barclays Premier League champions slump to seventh in the table.

The final straw was Sunday's 2-0 defeat at Everton, their 11th in the Barclays Premier League this season, and a result that left the title holders down 13 points off the Champions League places.

At first I found this Man United losing thing absolutely hilarious. I love watching all the glory hunters suffer - become human - but slowly, somehow, I've actually started feeling really, really bad for David Moyes. It's not funny anymore - it's almost.... a shame. Like when you drive past a car crash and go 'wowwww how cool a car crash' before you realise 'ahhh a car crash' and that someone's probably died or even worse, lost their no claims bonus.

I don't know if he's out of his depth - I can't tell - and I don't know if he's unlucky, or his tactics don't work, or the psychological fear factor at Old Trafford sailed on the same boat SAF left on but at least he's trying. He's not Dennis Nedry, sitting there fucking everything up for everyone just so he can sell some dinosaur juice - he's Samuel Jackson, sitting at his desk trying to figure out what Fergie's fucking password is. Alligators? Cantona? Password?

Not only have the press, probably rightly, been on his back about getting his players - who won the league by about 8 points last year - to just hoof balls into the box, but the fans have started ganging up, falsifying this horrible nouveau union and telling stories about how when they were working together down the mines they were all together, to prove that they're all true fans and blah blah blah. "The Fans". This guy:

Look at his horrible face. Moyes probably can't sleep at the moment due to stress and it's because of people like this. He's gelled that bit of hair on his head that he doesn't need, as if that will make him more sexually appealing to whoever he can lure from throwing up behind a dustbin in a back alley of Wetherspoons to have sex in his van. That's who Moyes is up against. Moaning about how he used to watch United when they were shite when they finished "fifff or sixff"?! Oh I feel so bad for you only finishing fifth or sixth in one of the greatest leagues in the world, that must have been awful for you. Watching all those world class players really is a horrible thing to have to do, please accept my heart felt condolences.

People are idiots. I was on the tube the other day and these three boys get on, one's playing on his phone and goes "oh I think I'll have to get a bolt on for internet when we get there, I don't want to get any roaming charges" and his friend says "ohh yeh that's a good idea roaming charges are so expensive, we can just buy a bolt on" and the third one says:

"did you hear about the astronaut

I swear this is true by the way

"did you hear about the astronaut who left his phone on when he went to space and got a million pound phone bill?"

And they all went 'no way!'. Yeh because there are loads of O2 masts on the fucking moon aren't there? You stupid cunt.

*Ping* Welcome to EE Outer Space. Calls will be charged at 40 space dollars per minute

It's people, man. They're the problem. The fans, who worshipped Moyes as The Chosen One because Alex Ferguson told them to, have turned and demanded his head, and it looks like they've got it. What now? Put it on a spike at Old Trafford to warn others? "Respect us! We are the King!" say the customers sorry I mean supporters, "He hasn't got a clue!"

Watching the public beheading of David Moyes is on my list of things to avoid alongside those videos on the internet you wish you'd never seen, back when terrorists, animal porn and Richard Keys didn't seem like real things. Unfortunately they are very real, and old Davey boy is sat in the gallows.

Not so long ago Emmanuel Frimpong was playing in midfield for Arsenal and was the subject of "hilarious" internet banter. Now he's been sending pictures of his knob to his Barnsley team mates by accident.

He might look depressed in that picture, but that's actually scientifically the happiest you can be when you are told that you have to play for Barnsley, or live anywhere near Barnsely. Frimpong's team mates carried out the age old prank of texting him from a random mobile phone number pretending to be a girl using the name 'Lucy'. Ever the gentleman, Frimpong replied by sending pictures of his dick and later regretted this when at a team meeting all was revealed and he looked so silly.

I can never work out whether girls actually get any enjoyment out of a dick pic - do they actually find that hot? I can't imagine they do. Some of them actually get really annoyed by it! But if I don't send pictures of my flaccid penis to my neighbour, how is she supposed to know what it looks like?! Girls are so strange

Liverpool took another step towards winning the league and resurrecting a zombie like invasion of pre-man utd glory hunters by beating Norwich by 3 goals to 2 goals.

Most humans like me thought it rather unlikely that Liverpool would be top of the league, five points clear, with three games to go, but they are so what do I know? Liverpool can pretty much win the league by beating Chelsea next week and since Mourinho's side have some games against Atletico Madrid to deal with, some journalists have said that it'll be interesting to see whether he plays a full strength side to try and win the title, or focus on Champions League success.

The biggest talking point of the whole Chelsea/Liverpool thing though, was of course Jamie Redknapp entering new levels of seethe:

He was so fucking wound up he didn't even know what to say. Like when we spent all day at school trying to get farmer Pete to say that he had three balls because that's "totally normal - we all have three balls" and then when he did finally admit he had three balls we laughed at him while he tried to get out of it and say he didn't. Redknapp is that man with three balls

Thursday, 17 April 2014

Fulham players took to the phones this week to say thanks to fans who bought a season ticket for next year, even though the team is old, awful to watch and lacks penetration. Like your Mum.

Oh what a lovely bunch of lads, what a great gesture. I bet it was the players themselves who suggested phoning their loyal fans - who doesn't love cold calling people stupid enough to spend £700 on a season ticket to watch Fulham? "What's that? Oh your dog wants to speak to me now? How wonderful" they all say, while teams at the top of the league act like actual footballers and don't sit around fannying about on the computer.

And I only know they're phoning fans because that's what a press release said, for all we know they could be playing a network game of Call of Duty, which they're only probably slightly worse at than football. Imagine if N64s had the internet? What a world

Cardiff City lost to Crystal Palace last week and instead of accepting defeat graciously like most other relegation threatened clubs taking on Tony Pulis teams, they've decided that the result should not stand because the team sheet was leaked the day before.

The club allege that Palace knew the starting line up before the game even started. Scandalous I know. The BBC say:

The document, sent by club lawyers to the Premier League, alleges Palace boss Tony Pulis knew sporting director Iain Moody was trying to obtain Cardiff's starting line-up before the game.

The club claims it has proof Moody succeeded and says this breaches league rules. Pulis declined to comment when contacted by the BBC, although Palace previously denied the claims.

Even if this is true, which it probably isn't, what fucking difference would it make? Cardiff are utterly shite, one of the worst teams I've seen play in the Premier League and Solskjaer barely seems to have a clue what's going on. How on earth Pulis could possibly have known that they'd line up in almost the exact same way that they had done for the other 32 games is beyond me. Only a detective or expensive spy could have figured it out. Yes that must be the answer

Barcelona lost their third game in a row for the first time since January 2003 last night, largely in part due to Gareth Bale being an absolute beast of a man.

You kinda expect Bale to be able to do this against Partick Thistle but Barcelona in the Copa Del Ray final? Whoever Spurs signed with all that money they got must be really good lol k bai !!111!!!x

The man helplessly chasing him here is Marc Bartra, a defender with the acceleration of a milk float someone has driven into a pond. Afterwards he apparently went down holding his hamstring because 'that' was the reason he got absolutely done. Another explanation for clutching that part of his body is that your soul is actually in your leg and he was just trying to stop his from escaping.

The defeat means Barcelona are now going to end the season trophy-less - something I would have thought implausible way back in August. Everyone hates Tata Martino because he's not from 'within' the family and has muddied the gene pool at Barca with his tactics. Tactics which include 'losing' and 'playing Lionel Messi on the wing'. Normally the club hire internally but since Tito Vilanova went and selfishly got cancer again, they had to look abroad, and look where that's got them.

Some say this desire to 'keep things in the family' is rather admirable and the sign of a well run club but I'm pretty sure that's what Josef Fritzl was trying to do. More comparisons can be drawn when you look at the merchandise both offer - both sell advent calendars all year round. Barcelona's has delicious chocolate inside, but whenever you try to open a door on the Fritzl one, someone slams it shut and rapes you for seven years

Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Phil Jones did an #AskPhilJones the other day and of course there were hundreds of "hilarious" fake questions! HAHA AHA HAH A THAT'S DEFINITELY NOT OLD YET. Luckily for us, Big Phil was on hand to record a sexy video.

During his #Ask session, Phil spends the majority of the time pointing his cock at you. There's no way your eyes cannot be diverted to his crotch as he uses it like a flashlight

Here's a screen shot of Phil Jones trying to look sexy for you

Sexier

And finally in this scene he's just jizzed in his pants thinking about how damn sexy he is.

The actual #Ask is just variations on the 'Tom Cleverley is shit' joke and people attacking his looks. Fair play to the boy for ignoring the 99% of messages making fun of him, I don't know what kind of a cunt would do that

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Rangers goalkeeper Steve Simonsen was abused on Twitter by his own fans after playing badly against Dundee United and letting in three goals. Then he left Twitter. McCoist thinks computers are evil

Some sub-humans sent varied messages of hatred and abuse at Simonsen and his family (they weren't really involved in the game) to the point where he just deleted his account straight away. Not cool guys. I tried to find the video of his spectacular mis-control to allow United's third goal but was distracted by YouTube's suggestions for related videos which included one titled:

Hermit crab migration

I don't know what hermit crabs really have to do with either Ally McCoist or Dundee United but here are some words from the Rangers manager:

"I’m maybe an old dinosaur. I’m seeing more negatives than positives from players on Twitter at the moment. I’ve said before we have to be guarded about what we do and what we say.

While I like winding up footballers and real people on Twitter as much as the next guy, there's a certain level at which it becomes genuinely abusive and akin to throwing rocks at the witch accused in the gallows. Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean you have to share it. Unless you're a girl, really hot and your opinion is that you should email me pictures of your tits. Then I will allow it

BREAKING NEWS! That club no-one supports has suspended some people you haven't heard of *cue news music*

Ian Culverhouse and Gary Karsa have both been 'suspended pending an internal investigation' according to the BBC but nobody knows why. Some guy and Shay Given have been promoted to take over their roles temporarily and that's all I know about the story. I've never met anyone who supports Aston Villa and on a list of 'things people care about' I think they're somewhere between half used batteries and butternut squashes. Why does everyone seem to have one of those things in their house

Danny Welbeck, Tom Cleverley and Ashley Young went out on the piss after getting home from Munich last week and now they're being fined. Fuck me football is boring

David Moyes had given the squad three days off following the defeat in Germany, but according to The Daily Mirror:

Both Welbeck and Cleverley were out for the night, which started at Neighbourhood before they moved on to Sakura at Deansgate Locks.

As they left the club, Young departed in a taxi, and 23-year-old Welbeck emerged with a bottle of water in his hand.

Just let them do stuff! All of you cunts on Twitter and Facebook with your smart phones and digital cameras and pacman video games are making being a professional footballer one of the most boring jobs ever. Do you get to play football all day? Check. Do you get paid lots of money? Check. Are you allowed a single minute to enjoy either of these things? No.

When I have a day off I like to go to a pub and get shit-faced - so do other mid-20s people. The biggest differences are that when I go into work I don't have 50,000 people screaming at me trying to tell me ways to do my job better and in my job I'm not terrified to tell anyone about my gay thoughts.

Ronaldo's rather good at football and he's also built like an absolute machine. You sometimes forget just how ridiculously better than you footballers are, so here's some normal people trying to get near to a Ronaldo header.

You'll be pleased to know that several similar experiments are also being held in that same building but my favourite is the John Terry simulator where you have to put on a full Chelsea kit as quickly as possible while someone shags your girlfriend in the changing rooms.

Also not shown are the Ched Evans and Michael Johnson challenges which involve raping and kebabs. This is not to be confused with the 'Dundee on Tuesday Afternoon' simulator in the car park

Monday, 14 April 2014

There was a brief period where Alan Pardew confused everyone by winning 'manager of the year' but thankfully things have returned to normal now and everyone hates him.

According to The Telegraph:

After just over three years of tolerating Pardew, supporters are turning in vast numbers. The Stoke game was the first time the discontent has been expressed at a match, but it has been mounting on social media and among influential fanzine writers for a long time.

It makes sense I guess because Newcastle have been boring for ages but what's he supposed to do? None of their players gives a shit because they're all not from Newcastle and want to leave, the owner sold their only good player in January to make some money, and there's no way anyone is ever going to invest the amount of money required to get them above 6th place.

There is as much point to Newcastle United in the Premier League as there is to prolonging that coma your girlfriend is in - even if she comes out of it in like 20 years, things will have changed so much that she won't even like you any more and then I can call her my girlfriend I mean Alan Pardew will be fired soon.

As if no-one learned anything from that Owen Hargreaves video I made, Robin van Persie posted a video of himself totally working out bro. He even lifts

You can watch a video of him working out on his Facebook page and boy should you. In this video you can see he's really close to full fitness as he lifts some weights three times, goes on a trampoline and then jogs off down a school gym hall. If you want to make the video better sing the tune to "0891 FIFTY FIFTY FIFTY!" to it. Anyone below the age of about 25 won't get that joke

Adriano (that guy from Pro Evo) was trying really hard to get back in the Brazil squad for the World Cup recently, but then he remembered about nightclubs

Good old Adriano has been released from his club 'insert brazilian club name' which is very sad. You may think it sounds harsh but this was the second time in a week that he's done it, and even football takes that seriously. At least at my job I can just have word documents open and tap on keys every now and again while my eyes sleep. Having to run around a football pitch being good whilst shit faced from the night before probably doesn't work.

The video is on 101 Great Goals so you can watch a very drunk Brazilian man standing next to what I assume is a hot girl. No-one gets naked and I'm not in it, so as you can imagine I got bored very quickly and stopped watching to make loud animal noises. These are also the same reasons I'm not invited to funerals

Neymar has a sister and she's on Instagram. I forget what the story is here

http://instagram.com/rafaellabeckran

According to The Daily Mail, Neymar is very sad because Barcelona lost a game or something and he's only very rich and a footballer. Tough times indeed. Luckily for him, we're perving on his sister

http://instagram.com/rafaellabeckran

I think she's the one on the left here but it doesn't really matter. What's really important here is that Neymar is a footballer, or a scientist, or a scientist and the one on the right is my favourite.

In other news, is it gay if you wank off your own clone? I'm asking for a friend

The scousers currently sit top and I'd actually quite like it if they won the league since they still won't dominate English football for another hundred years, their style of play is really fun to watch and there isn't a human alive who doesn't love Kolo Toure. He's like African Santa but more mental

Sunday, 13 April 2014

Despite being the handsome top shagger that he is, The Sun on Sunday seems to think that Olivier Giroud is going to be shipped off in the summer for some reason.

The Arsenal were fairly lucky to manage to beat Wigan yesterday which is mental because it's Wigan. Wenger has already admitted his team is devoid of charisma and confidence - a great way to motivate them before the biggest game of the season btw - and we were treated to a game so exciting that I started putting stickers in my world cup album instead of watching. And I was in a pub at the time.

Giroud didn't even make the starting XI yesterday and instead Yaya Sanogo, who seems to be stuck permanently in slow motion, led the line. He isn't really very good yet and Giroud sort of is, and it appears that the Frenchman's after hours activities where he likes to sneak women into his hotel room have taken their toll on Wenger.

Either way, Arsenal are in the FA Cup final with a chance to actually win something but by god they were awful.