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I’m not that old… I’m really 23.5

I work at a company that is very health-conscientious. This is a good thing as I would be very poor without good health insurance. (Don’t get me wrong though; this doesn’t meant that I LIKE insurance companies.) Today was the first day of our on-site Health Fair and so I stopped by after lunch for some snacks, to taste-test bread, check the oxygen level in my blood, have a look-see at my body fat %, test the ol’ eyes and to get my test results from some blood work.

The wait for the test results, however, was too long and I left. Don’t worry, though, I still got my results by simply looking them up in “my” application. (I own it because I test it so therefore, it’s MINE, ALL MINE.) Working for a company in healthcare means you can look up your own results. Who needs doctors when I can self-diagnose so easily with a little help from my friend, Google?

Once I had my results, I went to a new web application that my company has signed up for. It’s a personal wellness profile catered to each individual employee. My favorite part was the banner at the top. Looks like this:

Apparently, they forgot to upload a company-specific banner, but I doubt many will notice, if any besides myself. (What does that say about me?)

After answering questions and entering my test results, the application gave me my wellness score: EXCELLENT. And then it gave me my age: 23.5.

Clearly, I’m a very MATURE, and EXPERIENCED 23.5-year old with a great career and a cute little condo. Way to go ME. And now when my chiropractor (and many others) tell me that I look young for my age, I’ll tell them it’s because I AM.

Here’s what else I learned about me from my personal wellness profile:

My nutrition is “at risk.” I believe this is because I cook with butter. Mmmm, butter. I CHOOSE TO CONTINUE TO EAT “AT RISK” FOOD.

I should aim for less than four sick days per year, but I didn’t manage that last year. I BLAME MY TOE.

I’m supposed to sleep more. DUH.

I have a higher chance of developing osteoporosis than others because I’m white. Time to drink more white milk.

The application gave me suggestions to prevent falls—keep rooms well lighted at night, handrails in tub/shower, no loose rugs (but they misspelled loose)—although they offered ZERO suggestions on how to prevent falls playing indoor soccer.