The Unintentionally Funny Is About To Meet The Intentionally Funny

January 27, 2010

Today’s post is provided to you by Diana Olick, her jacket and my iPhone.

Let’s start from the beginning: Devin Hester’s black ass. My life has been separated into two distinct periods of time: Pre-DHBA and Post-DHBA. I’m sure many of you have heard of the “pre-9/11 world” and now we live in a “post-9/11 world”. Very similarly, my life changed once I saw Devin Hester’s black ass on television. At that moment, on national television when Devin Hester was pantsed and America, nay the World, saw his black ass – my immediate thought was “I need to take a picture of this.”

That was funny. Really that all couldn’t have happened if I did not have an iPhone with a media plan that allows for unlimited emails and whatever. I took out my iPhone, I snapped a picture and then I uploaded it to my computer. After that, I sent it to just about everyone I knew and then wrote a post about it. That was a life changing moment because now when I watch TV I take pictures of what I’m watching from time-to-time that I find puzzling or funny. Case in point: Microsoft Windows 7 snap feature commercial with the 8 foot tall goof and the 4 foot tall goof’s wife. I thought that went over splendidly.

This leads me to last night and Diana Olick’s jacket. I’m sitting and watching NBC’s world news with Brian Williams and Ms. Olick is reporting a story. I’m not sure what her story was about. Her story may have been the one I’m about to talk about, but it might not so yeah I wasn’t really paying attention. What was I paying attention to?

Diana’s jacket first caught my eye because I thought to myself “that has a shitload of gold buttons on it.” That was my first first thought. I decided to investigate these buttons and what were they buttoning. I could account for all the buttons except for this one in the picture which appears to be buttoning a piece of material that has no appropriate reason to being on the jacket.

What’s that material for, Diana!?! What’s that square of material and a gold button securing it down for, Diana!?! Hun? Is this what NBC is spending its money on? You and your fancy gold buttoned extra material jackets, Diana. What about Haiti? What about the Haitians!?! They could use those gold buttons and extra wool for something I’m sure. But you’re hogging it all to yourself for frivolous matters like fashion, Diana. What do you think you are better than me, Diana? What’s the button and material for, Diana!?! Answer me, Diana.

Minus Diana Olick and her extravagant jackets, I took a few more pictures of other stuff I found interesting. The following story on NBC was a story about this guy:

This guy was on NBC to talk about the housing crisis that is still going on in America. Apparently, there is a new website that helps people walk out on mortgages that they got into last year on houses that are now worth half of what they were a year ago. So, the guy was essentially on to be the face of this burgeoning trend in America.

He was saying how he invested into this mortgage and this house, but now the house is not worth anything, so he can walk out of his house and mortgage and rent pretty much the same exact house down the street for half what he is paying now and blah blah blah. Ok, I get it buddy.

At first, I was on this guy’s side. He is a young guy just trying to get by in life. He has a wife and this is his first house and they want to start a family together. He is barely making ends meet paying off this mortgage on a house that is not worth anything. If he could just get out of this mortgage he could live in the same house for half the money now. I am on your side, man. You’re a 30 something guy probably closing in on 40 and you’re buying a house in the suburbs and we’re going to cut to some B-roll of the guy on the computer typing into the website that helps get people out of their mortgages-

Uhhhh… Dude, what is up with the rings? You didn’t tell me you wear an assload of rings. And by assload I mean anymore than your wedding ring. Which in this picture I cannot even see him wearing either. What the hell happened, guy? I thought you and I were on the same page here. Just a couple of bros trying to make it in this shitty housing crisis/economy world. We understood each other. You want to start a family? Not with all those rings I hope. What are you Lenny Kravitz? Where did all this jewelry come from? You’ve changed exponentially since the close-up. I feel like I’ve been used.

What in the hell is happening? Two rings on his right hand and at least one on his left. I thought he said he was married so there is a chance he could have a fourth ring. Four rings!?! These are not NBA Championship rings! This isn’t Bill Russell. Why do you have so many rings? And a watch? Nothing against watches, but watches and rings? This all too much. Way too much accessorizing. And I see what appears to be some metal around your right wrist as well – MORE JEWELRY? Unless you are part machine then you need a lot less metal on your hands. And I’m not against people wearing crosses, but that one looks less “Jesus Christ cross” like and more “Abercrombie & Fitch cross” like.

I really just feel betrayed at this point. I feel like NBC and this guy were just average people, but now I see this guy is trying to hold onto his youth by adding a ring for every additional decade he wants back in life. C’mon man. I don’t care about this guy’s mortgage anymore. Nah, that’s harsh. Just because he wears an assload of rings, a “Hollister” Christian necklace and is probably a tool doesn’t mean he deserves to get screwed over by mortgage lenders. That it is a really terrible thing in life to worry about losing your house and your credit being bad for almost a decade and I-

Is that his wife!?! Fuck this guy. Seriously, fuck this guy! The Lord of the Rings over here who can’t pay his mortgage is nailing this hot chick? Ugh. I hate this guy.

Now, I’m furious. Thanks NBC. You and your B-Roll footage have made me hate this man. I HATE HIM! I went from not knowing of his existence, finding out he has house troubles and I was starting to hope for the best for him, the big reveal that he has a crazy set of rings, and now a hot wife who wears wife beater undershirts and black things around the wife beaters that emphasize her cleavage in the wife beaters. Fuck this guy. So this hot chick fell for…

A bracelet! What is the 70’s? C’mon! I don’t see a wedding ring either. Not at least on the appropriate finger. I hate this dude. I hate all his stupid chrome on his stupid hands. Hot wife aside, it could be worse. This guy could have a thumb ring. Fuck dudes and their thumb rings. Fuck them. I’m making a stand against guys and thumb rings! What may have been cool for a second in 1994 is not cool now. NBC screwed me over on wasting a second on worrying about this guy. Hey man, want to make your mortgage payments? SELL YOUR MAN JEWELRY!

The next TV show I watched was Jeopardy. And the chick one which was a surprise because she was losing forever. But I didn’t take any pictures of Jeopardy. I’m pretty sure you know what that looks like. The next time the camera came out was for Real Sportswith Bryant Gumbel on HBO.

First, Bryant Gumbel is 61. I’m just saying.

Second, I love Real Sports. One of my favorite shows. They were doing a piece on how the Dallas Cowboys’ make-shift practice facility collapsed during training camp over the Summer. It was a massive tent like structure that housed at least a football field. It was huge. There was a storm in the middle of practice and the tent collapsed. Most people got out safe, but over a dozen people were injured including one being paralyzed from the waist down.

The story itself was focusing on, could this have been prevented? A federal investigation has said that it could have been. Apparently, the architectural company who made this tent was doing as much as they could with spending the least amount of money. Real Sports went to some big time scientists who know about wind. There was a fancy name like aeronautical or something, but “wind nerds” works too. The wind scientist they interviewed was this guy:

Yes! Yes! I LOVE AMERICA! Of course, this guy is the leading scientist that HBO could find to talk about wind. Of fucking course. You know there were other guys they could have talked to. The United States of America’s head science place where they know about wind and architecture and weather is not just this guy. There are dozens upon dozens of brainiacs running around with Avatar screensavers and they all can speak fluent Klingon. But none of them have a mustache like this gentleman.

So, we need to grab one of you nerds to talk to Frank about wind and steel structures. I’m not sure which one of you is the most quali—- LOOK AT THAT GUY’S MUSTACHE! LOOK AT THAT MOOSE-STACHE!

He even twirls the ends of it! It’s practically insane that he does this. I have no experience twirling my mustache with some sort of mustache wax because I didn’t fight in the Civil War, I’m not a carnival enthusiast or a wind scientist. How often does he have to reapply mustache wax to keep it looking that amazing? I’m guessing every day. People put hair gels, creams, clay or whatever in their head hair every day. I’m guessing every day, but even if it was every other day. Imagine how fantastically ridiculous it is that he is seemingly a brilliant man and at the same time is twirling his mustache into fine points with wax at least at least at least once every 48 hours.

I would trust the shit out of this man, though. This man will not steer you do a wrong path. He has nothing to gain in steering you down a wrong path in life. His mustache has completely made him a social outlander, a leper even, so what would he gain by screwing with you? He tells the truth. And Lord knows that a man who is waking up pretty much every morning and looking at himself in the mirror and co-signing this facial hair fashion decision every fucking morning is a man who has a lot of time on his hands to know EVERYTHING about wind, steel structures and weather. I wouldn’t ask him to help me fill out an OkCupid profile, but I would bet my life on anything this man has to say about science just by mustache alone.

Real Sports has great journalistic integrity besides the mustached scientist, so they had someone from the architectural firm, The Summit group or something, to explain their side of the story. I’m open to hear their side of the story. Maybe they truly did try to build a successful tent structure for the Cowboys. Maybe the didn’t know that the actual architect they hired was a con-artist criminal (true). He lied on his resume and application, so how were they supposed to know. Maybe, just maybe they are not the bad guys. So, let us hear from their President:

Oh man. Am I wrong in assuming this architectural firm’s President is 12 years old? Am I wrong is assuming this “man” is 12? He could be 13. He could also be 11. I wouldn’t trust this guy. This guy does not look to have an ounce of confidence in himself, his company, his architecture and should have no confidence in his ability to dress himself.

I mean he is fully clothed. He isn’t dressed improperly to the point that he is not wearing the clothes correctly. The head and neck are sticking out of the neck hole and the tie is tied right. He’s wearing the jacket around his arms and not as pants or something. So the clothes are literally on him, but the clothes themselves? C’mon man! What in the eff is this color selection we have going on? If you’re unsure of dressing with colors then don’t choose a whole bunch of colors. Don’t choose more of what you don’t understand to begin with.

Navy blue jacket – fine. It’s classic. A cappuccino brown shirt. No. Already no. I haven’t even gotten to the tie and I’m already at no. That should be a problem. Why not wear a white shirt? Why not at least double down on blue and get a blue shirt? What goes with blue? BLUE! Shit is not too complicated. So he’s got this blue jacket and a brown shirt and all the primary colors tie. Why? Why do you have a tie with red, blue, and yellow that is all red with this? I don’t like it. I don’t like IT! This outfit right here reminds of children in suits at a dance or family function or church/temple so that they need to dress up. The kid has a simple suit, whatever shirt the parents can find and then whichever one of dad’s ties dad does not feel like gambling that the kid may drool or get spaghetti sauce on.

I don’t trust that idiot. If I can’t trust him to at least make sense dressing on TV for an HBO interview he was not forced to do to represent his own company then I can’t trust him to build millon dollar temporary structures. And apparently I shouldn’t because Summit has a history of their structures collapsing. Real Sports mentions this and then they showed a series of collapsed structures-

Isn’t this just about the saddest picture ever? Look at those cows! They look like the two most emotionally defeated cows ever. The one is so defeated she can’t even bother to stand. And no one say anything about how if a cow goes down it can’t get up or anything, I’m not sure if that is true, but that cow will STAND again! I can see it! She’s just beat at this point. And I’m guessing their female, right? Anyway, she is just like ‘fuck this’ and had to lay down.

The other cow, the main cow, she is looking straight into the camera and saying:

“Can you believe this shit? Look at what these dumbass motherfuckers have done to me. Loot at this dumbass fucking tent. Look at it! It is confetti. It is motherfucking stupid ass confetti. And they thought this was going to hold up to wind? Look at this shit. Look at these bent pipes and the stupid ass paper. What the hell was going through their stupid ass minds when they made this dumb ass tent? Who the hell sticks cows in a tent? I can’t believe this shit. When did tents become so prevalent that there are architectural firms solely based around building dumb ass tents? Build a barn you lazy motherfuckers. I can’t believe my fat cow ass is out in this field in the middle of this torn and broke ass tent.”

I don’t know what emotional range a cow’s face actually has, but these two cows’ faces say a lot to me. And they curse a lot.

“I knew this dumb ass tent wasn’t going to stay up. I knew it. I knew it from the moment I saw that squirrelly assed 11 year old in his stupid ass suit. I said to myself there is no way that dumb ass motherfucker knows how to make a high wind resistent tent. There is no way, no how. But no one listens to a cow. How is a cow supposed to know about what makes a structurally sound tent? Well I tell you what, look at this broke ass tent now. Who’s laughing now? Not me. I’m in the middle of this damn tent! It was scary as hell when that storm hit. Soon as the wind picked up I said this shit was going down and it did. Roof caved in and everything. Roof? Stupid ass piece of paper is more like it. That dumb ass paper went flying and these flimsy ass bars buckled under some damn wind. I knew this dumb ass tent wasn’t going to protect us. I knew it. I hate when I’m right.”

“At least we survived.”

“Shut up. Shut the fuck up. At least we survived? You know they are just going to build another dumb ass tent to put us in. I wish they would just kill us for burger meat and get it over with! Just make me into a steak already you lazy motherfucking tent buying idiot asses. I hate this shit.”

Then I watched Better Off Ted which was great. And then I rewatched the season finale of Lost.

So quick question? Do you all want me to write a post about NBA star Greg Oden’s naked pictures or not? I wasn’t sure if I should write it or not, but at the same time I think it will be funny because well I did just write about mustaches, cows who sound an awful lot like a stereotypical angry black woman, jackets, suits, men wearing rings et cetera. So what are your feelings on a post about Greg Oden showing off his “Greg Oden”?

18 Responses to “The Unintentionally Funny Is About To Meet The Intentionally Funny”

I believe that button fastens on Diana’s removable sleeve, which detaches quickly in the event of an archery emergency. We Amazons have to dress accordingly, don’t we, Di?

I had a friend with a similar mustache to the wind scientist, and there was a whole procedure that he went through every morning to get his stache & vandyck in working order. In addition, he carried a little tin of wax with him to freshen his mustache tips after meals. He was not a wind nerd–honestly I don’t know what he did for a living, since when I was around him it took all my mental energy to refrain from patting his facial hair. Our friendship ended when I borrowed his hat and avoided him so I didn’t have to give it back, and we thusly lost touch.

Go ahead and do your post about Greg Oden’s, um, post. You know you want to, you already have three paragraphs written in your head, and it will save me from having the embarrassing string “Greg Oden penis” in my Google history.

I think you’d better talk about Greg Oden. In fact, if there’s anything I need to know in the next 72 hours, you’d better talk about it here. I’m beyond swamped at work and planning a birthday party for 40 kids this weekend. I solemnly vow that I can’t waste any time on the Internet this week, but I’m still coming here.* So keep me updated, unless it’s a sad story about someone kidnapping a kid or torturing an animal. I don’t read those stories. If someone gets pantsed on national television or gets an international peace prize or something though, please advise.

That man is wearing more rings at once than I’ve owned in my entire life… Maybe his ridiculously hot wife asked him to wear them? I bet you’d change your tune pretty quickly if all you had to do was wear a fistful of rings to go home to that every night. You’d give Mr. T a run for his man jewelry money.

Why is the girl in the relationship always hotter than the guy? In my 25 years, I’ve yet to see a hot dude with a homely girl. I saw a guy in the city on Saturday with a mustache that would put that wind scientist’s ‘stache to shame. He was in his 20’s and he had a totally hot girlfriend. I’m more interested in science explaining that than why a tent was blown over. I grew up camping. Tents blow over. It’s just what they do.

I have a theory in this: It’s that most hot men are stupid and therefore they don’t end up with smart or funny yet homely looking girls, whereas hot women, being women, are still intelligent and therefore know there are more important things in a relationship than looks …. Hellooo double standard ahahahaha

I agree. I definitely want to hear about Greg Oden, but I totally think that shirt is orange and not brown. Is it brown? I don’t know. I’m not sure, I could be wrong but it looks very orange on my computer screen. And I am baffled by the color choices as well but if it was orange I could almost give him a pass, since orange and blue are appropriate color choices if you are a Gators fan. This is another reason why I hate the Gators. Who decided orange and blue looked good when you wear them together? They don’t. They look awful. Now FSU for example has a lovely color palate, garnett and gold. That is just strait up classy. Like the Saints. Very asthetically pleasing, but blue and orange? blech.

I laughed so hard at the cow thing. I always talk to my animals and then answer myself back in the “animal’s voice” I laughed even harder at the line when you pointed out that that particular cow sounds like an angry black woman, because I thought the same thing. I looked at that cow’s face and I thought to myself…hmm. that cow looks angry. not in an aggressive I’m ready to attack you kind of way, but in a sarcastic FML you all are retards kind of way. Kind of the way my horse looks at me when I am trying to open a bag of feed and I am putting all of my weight into tearing it open and sweating and cursing for ten minutes, until I find this little string at the corner and pull it and the bag of feed opens nicely and quite easily.

Learning time! The reason I looked at the cow and automatically assumed it was angry was because it’s ears are back. With horses you are able to read their mood based on the way their ears are set. Both ears back against the neck means get the fuck away before it attacks you, both ears forward means it is interested in something. One ear forward and one ear back, or one twitching back and forward, means it is paying attention, generally this happens when you are riding them. Both ears flopping or drooping to the side means it is in a state of relaxation, and ears rapidly flicking back and forth denotes agitation or fear. If this happens when you are riding you should hold on tightly because your horse is probably about to sketch the fuck out.

So anyways, cows aren’t supposed to be as intelligent as horses so I am not sure if the same ear reading rules apply, but since both of that cows ears are back to me it looks pissed. Yay learning.

It wasn’t Jordan’s because I’m fairly certain someone would have contacted me about that. And by contacted, I mean a thousand twitter DMs plus some emails that say “I can not say more than: Jordan.Penis.Picture”, or “Do you think Jordan’s penis is big/small/tattooed/other? because I know the answer.”

So it’s between the ring bearer, Mr. Pringles or “I got dressed in the dark before my big tv debut” man.

If I had to guess which of those men would have an impressively large penis…well, I’ve just answered Jordan’s question about why the hot chick is with an asshole who wears rings like he is a post-collegiate backpacker through Europe circa 1995.

Oh, you mean Oden? Is he the one married to a Kardashian? Then no, I do not Want IT.

I forgot to answer the only question you asked of us. I can’t imagine that you writing about a black man’s penis will be anything short of hilarious, so I’m all for it. And after today’s “this cow sounds like a black woman,” I’m sure it would be chock full of awesome generalizations that will appall your non-regulars. Speaking of, you might fit in well at Google.

I have no idea who Greg Oden is, and am too lazy/pretending to be busy to go find out, but if he is indeed the one married to Kim’s fat sister, then no. No thanks. Unless it’s hilarious and you pay out the Kardazzzzians a lot.

I find men wearing more jewellery than a wedding/Superbowl/West Point/signet ring significantly creeptastic. Orange/cappucino shirts should be illegal.