So, as you know, did the naval battle, killed a cultist. But it took SO LONG to weaken the damn place as the fort was huge and the leader kept running and had bodyguards out the wazoo (doing EVERY conquest must take forever), so I didn’t have time to do anything else.

But hey, as a reward for killing that cultist, you get to reveal another cultist! Who has a boat. Yay.

But I started sailing towards the main quest, but, when close to an island, Barabas was all “That’s where my wife saw the witch!” so I pulled in there. I’ll do that next. How hard could it be?

Ha.

Feminina:

I did that island! With the witch! It’s interesting. And not actually that long or complicated. Do it! We’ll talk!

Because otherwise all I did was stuff on Mykonos and Delos that we can’t talk about. Though there are cultists. I have 8 out of 9 shards now! Actually, I should be psyched that I missed a naval battle, since it means I can go back for him and hopefully upgrade my damn spear soon. I have all these skills to upgrade that require the upgraded spear. I have ridiculous numbers of ability points stashed up for it.

Butch:

I shall! We shall!

And it’s right on the way to other stuff. Hooray!

Feminina:

So convenient! It’s going to be great. You’re gonna love it.

I will say, also, that dropping off that lady on Mykonos is a piece of cake, so you can get rid of that annoying diamond.

If you get involved in anything ELSE on Mykonos…

Though I can also advise you that if you get into the quest on Mykonos, romantic possibilities ensue. So if you’re in the mood for love, carry on.

Butch:

Oh, I already see the damn diamond. Right there. Gonna happen.

And “If.” What is this if? There is never if.

I got a lady in every port, dude.

Feminina:

You’re right, that was silly of me. “If.” Ha!

Butch:

You know we well enough.

So many options…..

Feminina:

Yeah. It’s just as well neither of us got tied down with one of those seductive brothers. We’re not ready for that level of commitment yet. We’re young, and there are so many islands to explore!

Butch:

Though I can hear Kassandra’s grandmother now…..

She could’ve had a doctor! A DOCTOR! I wanted my daughter to have married a doctor but NO. First a wolf, then pirates. Kassandra SO got my hopes up and now this. Poets, for heaven’s sake.

Feminina:

But the grandmother’s friends chime in with “maybe she’s just getting it out of her system! Yes, she’s running wild now, but once she’s slept her way through the Greek world, she’ll remember that handsome doctor and go back to settle down.”

Grandmother’s friends can afford to be optimistic. It’s not THEIR potential great-grandchildren we’re talking about, after all.

Butch:

Totally. Some things never change.

I gotta play.

Feminina:

Yes. Play. Go talk to the witch! I’m curious what you make of the witch.

And how was the Baked Bloatfly? Dude, you never reported back on that! The world needs to know!

Butch:

Actually, it was damn good. And vegan, for crissakes. You know me: if I’m saying vegan was damn good, it was damn good. You’d’ve liked it. Maybe the next time you come over.

I’m making venison from the Elder Scrolls cookbook tonight, which is not vegan.

Feminina:

I will so come over JUST for the baked bloatfly. And possibly the Stim-Pak.

Butch:

And the skooma. I got a recipe for skooma.

Feminina:

I’ll come for that. In fact, I’m already on my way. The knocking you’re about to hear at your door will be me, holding out an empty glass. “Please sir, I want some booze!”

Butch:

Though the author of these wonderful cookbooks is a bit enamored with elderflower liqueur. I’m not even sure where to get that, let alone what it tastes like.

Though she does have recipes for DIY nuka cola. Awful lot of work for DIY cola, you ask me.

I’ll stick to booze.

But some are easy: Such as:

Rad-away, which is basically a rum and coke with lime and the interesting addition of nutmeg, Stimpacks, which are basically pomegranate jello shots (this one says “Pairs well with human mishaps”) and SPECIAL, which is simple syrup, apple cider, pomegranate juice (apparently pomegranates survived the war), lemons, elderflower liqueur and champagne.

Skooma sounds better: Simple syrup, vodka, vanilla, dried apricots and cardamom. I’d drink that.But holy shit: This book has instructions for fermenting your own mead. Like, real fucking mead! And how to get it anywhere between 4 and 10 percent alcohol! It even has ways to flavor it! (Says “Pairs well with songs by the fire, a sense of adventure and a drinking horn”).

Somehow I’m guessing what Mr. O’s getting for Xmas. Or his birthday. Or both.

Went back to Athens. Did the whole chapter, I guess, cuz the trophy popped. Short chapter.

I’m back on my boat with Adulisa or whatever.

You do all that? Cuz if not, won’t spoil.

Feminina:

Yeah…that all happened. That was…something. Was your Athens full of plague? Because if not, that’s totally my fault.

Butch:

Oh yeah. Terrible plague. Had to burn bodies. Which, remember, in my case, was foretold. I had that quest where I had to take an herb to a guy because he had a vision that Athens was going to fall to a terrible sickness. Spot on, dude.

So you do all of it?

Feminina:

I didn’t burn any bodies! I just walked around them, no one told me to burn them. I did remember your prophecy, which I never did get. Interesting.

Also, this was when I decided to finally go after Nyx, and it turns out the advantage of a plague is that no one really cares if you’re fighting cultist spymasters in the street–she was wandering around all alone, and no one tried to stop me from attacking her. She was still tough, but at least it was just her.

The cult still killed Phoibe, though. Which was an unrelated quest, but which tied in uncomfortably well in terms of timing. Sigh.

Poor Phoibe. And Deimos cutting Perikles’ throat in the Parthenon! Did not entirely see that coming.

Butch:

So I can ask: Where to next? I was going to drift down to the Obsidian Isles there, as they are close and I think they’re weak enough a cultist will “engage me in a naval battle.” Might as well do that.

And there’s two blue tales quests, on in Phokis, one by the salty bear, that are close to fast travel points. We should do those. Those are good.

Or I could just main story it up.

Have you done anything past magpie?

No bodies? Really? When I got back to plague Athens, between me and the main quest was Hippokrates, all “Please! You must burn them!” So I did. Got, like, 12000 XP.

But what really sucked is that a couple had dogs by them, which attacked, and, apparently, “Killing an Animal” is a crime which will up your bounty. I have to pay off bounties from dogs. DOGS.

I bet all the dogs in Greece are named Kevin.

Ah, man! That would have been nice with Nyx! She was tough and had friends when I killed her!

Ok….so…I’m not gonna google cuz I don’t want spoilers, but that with Phoibe was unavoidable, right? Cuz the quest was “protect Phoibe,” which made me think that we could have saved her. I kinda doubt it, cuz that was quite the plot point, but I can see how it would be doable either way.

I was also sensitive to that as the other quest I did was one for Allie who keeps popping up. He wanted me to take a drunk dude home. I kept trying to save the drunk dude, but I kept failing and gave up.

I have thoughts about that. Did you do that?

I didn’t see Perikles’ death coming either, especially as I was being all smart. See, after killing Nyx, I looked at the clue (which I’m pretty sure you aren’t doing) and it was “Active in Athenian Politics.” I noticed that some other cultist had a note from a boss signed “P” so I was all “Dude, it’s so Perikles. Looks like he’s all democracy, free thoughts and TWIST!” Guess not.

At least I can always say I was right about Arthur’s TB.

Though, this being AC, I could still be right! Cuz there’s all SORTS of weird! Like Deimos always having two dudes around who’s only job is to “die fighting my sister so I can slip away and appear at the end of the next chapter.” Probably not a job you want to take.

Though I will heap some praise on the game now: Phoibe’s death scene was really well done. I shall praise the thing I praise that you never notice: Sound. There was a LONG shot, Kassandra realizing she can’t save her, folding her hands, etc., that was SILENT. No ambient noise, no music, no nothing. That’s so rare in games. Games usually overdo it with sound effects, music, characters that never shut up, etc. To have this emotional moment punctuated by absolute silence was both effective and really made you realize how uncommon it is to hear nothing in a game, and how maybe that’s a trick more games should pick up. As I tell my kids, you don’t always need to be talking and making noise.

Props, game.

Feminina:

It was a good scene. There was genuine sorrow in Kassandra’s actions, and emotion is often a tough thing to get across. And the quiet, yeah, I didn’t really notice because our fan is so loud (holding out for the PS5). But good point!

I also wondered if we could have saved Phoibe. I mean, I did pause to fight Nyx before checking out that dude’s house where she was supposed to be. Maybe if I’d been quicker…but I don’t know.

It does also have kind of the feel of a plot point that was going to happen no matter what, so maybe we couldn’t have avoided it. I didn’t look it up either, although I’m tempted.

And dude, Alkibiades is such a jerk! Always getting me to do his dirty work. Delivering casts of his penis to enemies, hauling drunk people (presumably also enemies) into bad neighborhoods to be murdered by thugs…but I can’t lie, I’ll totally still do whatever his next quest is, because he’s also kind of funny. Plus, often good for a quick, tension-releasing orgy or a romp in a sacred temple!

After leaving Athens, I went over towards Paros, since Barnabas’ quest goes there (among other places), and Mykonos and Naxos are nearby so I can then drop off that lady and then go follow up on the lead about my mother. Enough things in one place that it seemed worth coming to this area.

Then, obviously, I got caught up in a saga on Mykonos and Delos that I’m just finishing, but there are two cultists around so I was glad to kill them along the way. Need…spear fragments…

I wonder why Hippokrates didn’t ask me to burn bodies? I totally would have done it! I fast-traveled in…maybe I just missed him.

Butch:

Nah, I did it all in one big linear swoop and she still died. That said, whenever I try to save someone (drunk politician, theater owners who took in orphans, poor women who got tricked into losing their hair) they die. And that “Protect Phoibe” quest objective…it could have been a fake out, but I dunno.

I’ll live with it.

Don’t look it up. We shall move on.

And no, I did the same thing, fast traveled to Athens. Hippokrates was right there, like, 40 meters or whatever from the temple DIRECTLY between said temple and the main quest. You couldn’t have missed him. Didn’t even have to magpie.

Weird.

But it wasn’t much of a quest. You just had to pick up bodies and chuck them into a bonfire. Gross, but hardly story themey centric.

But I did learn you can chuck bodies. Good to know, I guess.

I’m starting to not trust Alkibiades. He’s all “Take him home….” and the guy was even saying “Why are we going this way? I don’t live here!” and I figured “Meh, he’s drunk.” But he didn’t live there. He was set up, and we killed his killers. Allie would know that a) the killers would probably kill the politician and b) we’d be cool cuz we’re badass.

This begs the question: Why is he killing so many people and lying to us about it? We’ve joked that all you have to say to us is “Hey, we knew mumble mumble so hey, could you go kill my neighbor?” and we’re all “SURE!” And yet….he’s being elusive.

Though I did turn down a quest where it was mumble mumble kill someone! Some dude in Korinth was upset that someone “had the ear” of his “beloved heratae with the name that also starts with A this shit is so confusing” and I just said no. It was an “impact quest.” He said “Come back if you change your mind,” but I won’t. I’m in love with love, man. I’m not going to kill someone just cuz this weirdo doesn’t like her flirting.

We’ll see what the impact is.

All right. I’ll drift towards Mykonos and Delos. The blue quests can wait, what being by fast travel points and all.

Feminina:

Oh yeah, I turned that down too! I’m not going to go hassling some woman or killing her new love or whatever because some guy is afraid she doesn’t love him. That’s the kind of job angry, entitled-feeling men have always handled on their own–you don’t need a trained warrior.

I mean, I would have killed him if the guy had had a better story. Tell me the other dude stole your grandfather’s handaxe or something. Just don’t make me feel too bad about myself, mm’kay?

Weird. I really wonder what I did to make Hippokrates think I wasn’t up to the task of chucking bodies. Oh well. I’ll manage without his XP.

Butch:

Right! Or say she is falsely claiming you owe her money.

Kassandra: “Chaire, stranger. I have picked you as the random person I will say ‘do you need help from a mercenary’ to, so…uh….do you need help from a mercenary?”NPC: “Yes. Please kill this woman.”K: “Why?”NPC: “She’s stopping me from getting my thang on.”K: “Pfft. Not my problem, stranger. That’s some weird malaka.”NPC: “Uh…..and she says I owe her for the baklava at last week’s office party, but it was so her turn to pay!”K: “Why didn’t you say so? She’ll beg for mercy!”

That’s so weird about the bodies. Ah, well. I’m sure you’ll just have to get your XP from killing captains like everyone else.

Feminina:

I’ve clawed my way to level 44 over the backs of murdered captains, and I see no reason to change strategies now.

Butch:

Show off.

Hey is Mr O done? Junior was trophy stalking. Seems he is.

Feminina:

Yeah, he just got the platinum last night.

Butch:

And now he can rest.

Dear god.

There’s a cultist. He’s on a boat.

To find him, you have to do a conquest battle.

A naval conquest battle.

So, after weakening everything.

Fuck. That.

Did it though.

Feminina:

Oh man…I hope that’s not the naval conquest battle I started, accidentally ran away from, and then respawned when the nation had refortified and the battle was no longer available! I was going to do that one!

I don’t remember where it was, though, so…whatever. I’ll get back to it eventually. Or not.

Butch:

It was pretty obvious, dude. Like, the battle starts and BOOM cultist discovered, go unmask hey there he is!

You’ll get it eventually. You have to. Only way to kill the cultist. Which you have to do, right?

Feminina:

Oh, whew. That wasn’t the one I did, then. I would have noticed a cultist on a boat. Probably.

Butch:

Well, especially as he got revealed the moment the battle started. You’d have noticed.

Maybe.

But, now that Mr. O knows, DO you have to kill all the cultists to finish the game?

Cuz I’m telling you, I’ll finish the game, but I ain’t platinuming shit. It’s fun, but we have lots of other stuff to play, and LOTS more coming up. I ain’t got three days to spend doing frustrating ship battles to kill cultists. Life’s too short.

Feminina:

Oh, good point! I’ll ask him if he actually had to kill them all. Stay tuned.

The whole “unmask then track down cultists” thing is stupid. Really, really stupid. The “clues” are silly, and now, half the time, the “clue” is just “I’ll TELL YOU WHO I AM!”

This is silly.

It really does seem like the whole thing is a remnant from a first draft of the game. It reads like something that was going to be the game, a “find clues, hunt them down” game, and then, at some point, they decided that they would make things more RPGish. As it is now, it just plain doesn’t fit. Sure, it gives Kassandra some motivation to do the overall plot, but the whole mechanic of “clues” (in quotes, as these “clues” don’t lead to any mystery or discovery) and “unmasking” is just busy work.

Worse, when they have to go “Uhh…shit….gotta let the player know this guy’s a cultist…” it makes no narrative sense. Ok, Monger’s a cultist. Fine. But they couldn’t let a “clue” be part of the game because a magpie would’ve found it and gone after the Monger at some earlier time and fucked it all up. The only way that the Monger could a) be a cultist and b) die at that point in the narrative would be the way they did it: “I AM A CULTIST!” The fact they’re doing that so often is making the whole cult thing make even less sense than it did in the first place. Kassandra is supposed to be all “WHOA. There’s a CULT? A SECRET CULT? No. Way. Who knew? And they’re everywhere? Controlling us? This is MESSED UP.” Right? That’s kinda the point of a SECRET CULT. And yet, here’s the Monger, standing in a theater in front of all of Korinth (or, like, the ten people Ubisoft could animate without crashing the system….kinda wimpy attendance, there) screaming “I should have taken her head to the CULT! The SECRET CULT! Power to KOSMOS, leader of the VERY SECRET CULT that you, Eagle Bearer, never heard of because it’s SO FUCKING SECRET! Right, spectators?”

Villain exposition is bad enough, but when it happens about something secret ON STAGE IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CITY it’s just too damn much.

Ah, well. He’s dead now.

Feminina:

I’m home today because I had to drop people off at places. So I’m going to play later.

The Monger! Yes, at least he’s dead. My amusing story about that is, I had a couple of bounty hunters chasing me when I went to face him, and the first time we fought he defeated me, so I respawned and ran up the side of the building there to shoot at him, and while I was shooting, a level-40 bounty hunter came riding up and started fighting with him! Killed him and his men for me while I lurked up there on the building! And then, so as not to risk losing this precious gift, I paid off my bounties and lurked until the guy lost interest and rode off.

It was a lot easier than I thought that fight would be, that’s for sure.

Every once in a while, bounty hunters come in handy.

But yeah, the whole “just so you know I’M IN A CULT” reveal was entertaining the first time, and I’m not going to turn it down this time, obviously (I need that shard!), but…meh.

Butch:

Of course you’re gonna play.

I’m going to get the car worked on. Sigh. But I’ll be ALONE! so that’s good.

Dude, that’s pretty awesome about the bounty hunters (if cheap). My thing was that I got followed to it, had to kill a guy, and then “become anonymous” but the broom brigade was chasing me. I was gonna kill everyone until I noticed that one of the broom Kevins was an impact quest giver! Seriously! I couldn’t kill a quest giver! So I ran like hell, found a place to hide, and this swarm of citizens is getting closer and closer….and then poof. I stayed out of sight long enough for them to chill, and they ALL ran, I mean, RAN back to their little NPC places. Maybe, ten of them. Like, “Oh SHIT I belong in that three foot square box someone’s gonna take my box if I don’t get back and I left the oven on and I’m out.”

Entertaining vs. cheesy aside….do people in cults call them cults? Cuz if you’re in a cult, you don’t believe it’s a cult, or something….right? I don’t know. It’s very meta.

Actually, it’s vegetarian meatloaf, which, when you think about it, is also an unnatural mutant creation.

And I’m making Ossimir venison from the Elder Scrolls cookbook on date night Friday. Seriously.

This weekend? Brahmin burgers with nuka cola barbecue sauce.

Seriously.

GOD we’re geeks.

But we can take heart in knowing that we can now make Fancy Lads Snack Cakes!

Seriously.

Feminina:

OHMYGOD I need Fancy Lad Snack Cakes!!!!!!!!

That’s awesome.

Man, we’re geeks.

Butch:

We sure are. We sure are.

They actually look damn tasty. I thought the book would be kinda jokey, like, blamco mac and cheese would be, like, “Get a box of mac and cheese….” but it’s, like, real, homemade, gourmet mac and cheese.

They even have cocktails called Rad Away, Psycho and Stimpak.

It’s kinda sorta amazing.

Feminina:

I feel that’s really not in the true spirit of Blam-Co, but I suppose it’s probably a lot more likely to be something one would actually eat.

I wonder if I know anyone who might enjoy receiving that book as a gift…

Did some. One quest, really. I’ll just lead with “who the hell was that guy?”

Feminina:

Also played some. Finished Divine Intervention. So…who the hell was that lady? Was she Athena? I went with “you want me to think you’re Athena,” which seemed both true and not necessarily exclusive of the possibility that she might actually be.

Hm.

She certainly knew a lot of random stuff about where things and people were.

Then I checked the ship message board and went to Skyros for Barnabas. I’ve already been there, of course.

As for that guy… The one who showed up in a dramatic cut scene and helped you fight the Monger’s goons? Yeah, who WAS that?! Presumably he’ll come up again. We’ll see.

Butch:

Who, indeed? I actually did say “You are Athena,” which I also thought I could get away with because I could claim I meant it metaphorically. So what happened when you said that? My weird lady wandered off, but there was an owl feather there where she was.

But here’s what I kinda love: We both had the same hemming and hawing reaction to this. In a game about “Should you believe” (when it’s about something), both of us, people who are not religious in nature, wondered, and went different ways with the same uncertainty. THAT’S cool quest design.

And we both tried to inject some reason into it! We both weighed things like “Well, she knew that, but she could have….” We approached “faith” by trying to “figure it out.”

Hmm.

You gotta admit, these two Tales quests are far better than anything else thus far.

Barnabas…Ah, ok, so you went to the place they were tripping? Good. Right? You did that?

And yeah, that guy! Don’t get me wrong, I was very glad he showed up, but what the hell?

You know, don’t you?

Feminina:

I don’t! I have no idea! He showed up, helped, introduced himself as Bracidos or something, suggested a stealthy removal of the Monger, and that’s the last I saw of him.

I went with the hetaerae non-stealthy approach to removing the Monger… Maybe you saw that guy again if you did it his way. Try it and see!

Butch:

No way, dude! That guy with the brothers said that I had to make it a spectacle or the debt wasn’t paid! I gotta go full non-stealthy! For poets and flawed soldiers!

He has to show up again. No one with such a dramatic introductory cutscene just has one appearance.

Feminina:

The guy with the brothers? I did the brothers after this, so maybe it was different. I don’t remember anyone mentioning him.

Butch:

AH! See, when I ended with the brothers, I had no earthly idea who the Monger was. The dude who wanted his money back (big dude? “Your father owes me?” That guy), when I was all “Let’s talk about this,” was all “Kill the Monger and the debt is paid. But make a spectacle of it. If you do it quietly, the debt isn’t paid. It isn’t good enough if he just disappears.”

He must’ve been cool with you cuz you did it.

So did you get Barnabas’ requests? What you make of that?

Feminina:

Ah… He did say “you’ve eliminated my competition, so the debt is paid.” I assumed he meant some other random person I’d killed lately, maybe some other bandits (I lose track, man!), but yeah, that makes sense. Nice! I did make a spectacle, too. Sort of. We’ll talk later.

I went to Skyros and found the pirate hide-out, which I already cleared out once before, but it was late so I didn’t actually go free the lady (who I freed once before, and I wondered why she just stood there). That’s my next step.

Butch:

Yeah. That would be the monger.

It’s a step all right. Barnabas is….complex.

Feminina:

Can’t wait to get into the complexity! Tonight. Or tomorrow. I’m ready.

Butch:

There’s monsters. And romance!

You’ve done so well getting back in the groove.

Feminina:

Home early for a school-related thing. Just got a bit in. Visited the island where the witch was hanging out with all those pigs. Didn’t drink her wine…

This isn’t going to end well, is it? I feel bad for poor Barnabas, but he’s probably deluding himself.

Butch:

Ah, yes. So Barnabas has asked you about his visions and his wife. Yes. Right?

IS he deluding himself? I have a feeling that might be vague.

What he certainly is is a fucking distracting blue diamond on my fucking boat. He is also a reason that the game is now going “There is a quest nearby, track quest?” every single time I’m anywhere near the aforementioned fucking boat.

I know, game, and no, I do not want to track it.

The diamonds though. Fuck those diamonds. I can see it now:

Herodotus: Uh…dude? What’s with that?Barnabas: It’s to remind Kassandra that I have a related quest!Herodotus: She knows.Barnabas: But what if she forgets?Herodotus: She won’t.Barnabas: But what’s the harm of me having this?Herodotus: The game is making me sit here, across from you, and your diamond is kinda fucking up my view.Barnabas: It’s for my wife, though! Surely you understand!Herodotus: Look, dude, it’s really annoy- hey, who are you?Random Person We’re Now Escorting: I am escaping Korinth! Kassandra told me she’d take me to wherever the fuck! Hey, you mind if I sit here next to you?Herodotus: Sure, whatever, not much bench space though and hey, what’s that above your head? *****long pause***** Shit.Barnabas: Hey, man, at least mine’s blue.Herodotus: Dude…Barnabas: Matches the sea!Herodotus: DUDE…..Barnabas: And think of themes!Herodotus: Please fuck off.

Feminina:

Yeah, basically as soon as that blue diamond popped up I said “all right, I’m doing this damn quest to get rid of THAT.” Conveniently, at least one of the islands is over by Mykonos or wherever that other lady wanted to go, so I’ll take care of them both in the same general area.

OK, talked to a bunch of folks that Hippocrates told me to go find. You’re not there yet, are you?

I’m trying to find themes, here, man. I am! I feel like there are themes. I feel, at the very least, that we can work our magic and squeeze theme juice out of the dry rocks of gameplay.

But I don’t know, man.

There sure as fuck SHOULD be some themes.

Get there. We’ll talk.

Feminina:

I’m not quite there, but I’m working on it! I booked it across country last night, stopping only to murder a few people in camps along the way between the Kingdom of Hope (man, that place sounds nice!) and Argos. Talked to Hippokrates’ assistant, took Hippokrates some supplies, nobly declined payment for it in order to soften him for my inquiries about my mother. DIDN’T mention that he was balding, because his assistant said not to, although it was very tempting since there was a dialogue line right there for it. Did you mention it?

He sent me to get his notes from a fort, and I went there, murdered a few people, knocked out and recruited the polemarch somehow (which counts as killing for location-completion purposes, I found), got the bone forceps the doctor needs before he’ll come back with me to talk to Hippokrates, but now the whole fort’s angry with me and there are a couple of bounty hunters and a bunch of reinforcements who showed up when someone lit the brazier (even though I had trapped it, because apparently a trap only stays set for about two minutes).

So I need to hang back for a few minutes and let the fuss die down until I can sneak back and get that doctor.

Well, it’s kind of about valuing one person over another, isn’t it? Prioritizing needs. Like, I’m just trying to move pieces around to get to the information I need, but the doctors are trying to help the patients in front of them. And Hippokrates places that in context: “you need answers, but this patient needs medical help, and so did the one before him.”

As much as to say, a lot of people need things from me, lady. Why is your need more pressing than theirs?

And there were also some choices: you could go get the forceps so the doctor in the fort could help his patient, or you could threaten the doctor with “forget him, come with me,” or you could threaten the patient with “you don’t have to help him if he’s already dead.”

So where is our priority in terms of helping other people vs. finding out what we need to know? How much of a jerk are we willing to be to move the story along quickly, and how much are we going to try to be nice and get along with people (people who aren’t soldiers, anyway).

There’s a bit of theme there.

Butch:

Hmm. True. I do suppose that, recently, we (or, at least, I) were complaining about all the time the killing takes and how I was willing to live and let live for the sole purpose of moving shit along. And yet, you’re right, I did get the forceps. I did help the sick guy/doctor I just met. That took time. I could’ve just said “Oh, fuck it, I want to move story” but I didn’t.

Hmm. I suppose that is theme.

And one we’ve seen before, I suppose. That was the point of the Socrates quest line, right? Who were we going to value? And now it’s “Why value ourselves more than others?”

We did talk about that in terms of the timed quests. There’s folks who we could help, sure, but either they need us now or they don’t really need us at all. The world turns whether we take the quest or not. We’re not the center of it, we’re not what’s driving it (for the most part. Perikles was pretty damn patient).

Hmm.

We’ll talk more when you do the rest of this particular quest line. The talking to the priests bit. Cuz that has some shit.

But don’t forget said shit while I am in Miami which I am now packing for. Tomorrow is TRAVEL BLOGGING!

Feminina:

Perikles was very patient. Most people on the main story are very patient. It’s these timed quest folks who need us right now or not at all.

Which is their right, surely. And it’s our right to decide whether we want to be helpful to someone at any given moment, in exchange for ludicrously overwrought rewards, or whether we just don’t have the time and need to move on with the story.

I will be talking to the priests just as soon as I get this doctor out of this fort.

Butch:

That’s what I did. There’s priests. Some plot. Maybe themes. I do like the themes you came up with. Maybe that’s why I was struggling for themes. I play off my blogmate, who wasn’t giving me much past “LOOOOOOOT!”

Feminina:

Hey, loot is important! As are question marks.

Themes are OK as a backup if you run out of loot and question marks.

Ha.

Butch:

I find it kinda interesting that the last game we played I was the one all “Dude, trust me, it’s good,” and you’re needing to do that for this game.

Is loot SO important?

Feminina:

Oh, I’m not trying to convince you of anything. I’m just celebrating the known fact that loot is key.

Also, I think the themes are always a bit more deep background in AC games than in some others we play.

I mean, they’re there! There are some big things here!

For example:

Religion: what do we worship? Are there gods, or are they just well-meaning (and/or self-serving) human lies, or are they superpowered aliens who might as well be gods with unknown and perhaps unknowable motivations that we just tell ourselves stories about to try to understand?

And regardless of whether or not there are divine powers, is it helpful to pretend there are, or to pretend we speak for them (as Kassandra can blithely claim to be sent by the gods), if that makes people feel better? Which leads right to–

Obedience vs. freedom of thought: does society work better when people mostly go along and follow the rules, or do we want to have a bunch of people just doing whatever the hell they want? Surely things go more smoothly when most people follow the rules, but who gets to MAKE the rules? If obedience (closely tied to religion) is OK for most people but there’s a special group who get to think for themselves (and/or think for everyone else), who gets to be in that group? Is that fair? Is that justice?

Also, the nature of games and characters in games: how bad do we really have to feel about killing civilians inside a recreated memory of an ancient past when we KNOW in-game that it’s all a simulation? We didn’t kill anyone, and even the ‘we’ we’re playing in the game didn’t kill anyone in the modern day! If Kassandra killed anyone, it happened 3000 years ago and there’s nothing we can do about it! And yet, if we don’t care at all, if we casually mow down peasants in the streets, what does that say about the character we’re playing/remembering, and what does it say about us that we’re happy to play/relive these actions with her?

There are things in here! The loot is obviously just something sparkly to keep us focused in the moment.

And you do raise an interesting point with the comparison to RDR2, which was bristling with themes and which I often did not particularly actually enjoy playing. I liked the ‘talk later’ part a lot more. We had many good conversations about that game!

Whereas this one is light on themes, or at least light on presenting its themes in a way that gives us good conversation hooks, but I have fun with it. I’m enjoying this game a hell of a lot more than I enjoyed RDR2, even though there’s definitely a lot less going on, intellectually, in any given playing session.

Am I just shallow? Perhaps. Perhaps indeed.

Butch:

There we go! That’s the Femmy I know! Erudition ahoy!

Now watch: You’ll do the priests, then forget them by the time I come back to playing.

Feminina:

I haven’t even done it yet and I’ve already forgotten why it was important.

I’m looking for who with the what now?

Butch:

Aaaaaand we’re back to normal.

Sigh.

Feminina:

Hey, you’re the one who didn’t respond to my thoughtful themes with theme-talk! You jinxed us!

Have a good trip, though, man. I’ll possibly have something to say when you get back.

Talked to Hippocrates! Thought “Themes! Maybe!” Then he asked me to get him stuff.

That’s right. Hippocrates has a fetch quest for us.

Sigh.

I did some of it. There was fetching. A fort was involved.

Maybe there’ll be themes after it. Maybe. Who knows?

I’m getting annoyed. There should be more blog worthy stuff in this game.

Feminina:

Aw man! I did not talk to Hippocrates. I was heading in that direction, but I got sidetracked by Heitor’s Gonna Hate, and then stumbled into that lovely beachside town where the former Oracle’s cousin asked us to kill his neighbor. Which I did, although I’m not entirely sure he wasn’t making the whole thing up and just wanted to get rid of his neighbor for some reason. When the only option is to accept or refuse a quest, you always wonder if you’re being manipulated.

“Oh, hey, misthios, that guy over there totally stole from me and threatened to murder my sweet little children if I didn’t give him more money, can you take care of him?”

“Sure, I’ll take your word for it he deserves to die! Don’t even give me any payment up front! I’m on it!”

Especially when they say hyperbolic things like “his death will solve everything.”

Uh…no one death solves EVERYTHING, buddy. I’d have to wipe out the entire town for that.

Ha! Just a little hired-killer humor there.

Anyway, perhaps I was especially skeptical having just come from Heitor, who manipulated us in just that way.

“That captain stole your sword!? I will murder him to death for you!!!! Oh. You sold it to him and lied to me.”

“You want me to rescue your friend and murder a bunch of soldiers to death along the way? ON IT! Oh. You actually just wanted to kill him yourself.”

I talked them into not fighting, which was perhaps the happiest ending available, although if I’d been a bit more invested in holding a grudge I might have sided with the rescued guy and attacked Heitor for lying to me and taking advantage of my murderous good nature.

But anyway, that’s what I did. Don’t talk to me about Hippocrates.

Butch:

Oh, I won’t talk about Hippocrates. I can’t, really. I’ve said it all. So far.

Sigh.

Wait….that’s interesting. I met that cousin and killed the neighbor and had exactly the same misgivings you did (it’ll get to the point where everyone in Greece will be all “Hey, if you tell that chick with the bird you’re the Oracle’s cousin, she’ll kill anyone you want!”), but not there. I met him in downtown Argos, right the fuck next door to Hippocrates. Not in any seaside town anywhere close to Heitor. So, what, that means some of these “impact quests” show up where you are, at a certain time instead of a certain place? That’s weird. I can’t remember a game being like that.

But as for Heitor…..

Unlike the pirate betrayal I kinda didn’t see that twist coming, even though, in retrospect, I should have, and I think I know why.

Games pull the “MWHAHA tricked you!” shit with strangers giving you quests all the time. That said, it’s very rare that a friend betrays you. If you hit talk and your character is all “Hey! Dude! Been a while! Remember when we did all that cool shit? Good times, good times,” you can trust that dude. That dude is ALWAYS cool. I can’t remember a single time in any game when the dude you’re automatically chummy with was lying. It’s another game trope this game has turned on its head. That’s pretty good stuff.

Not to mention, it fits the narrative. Kassandra’s “old friends” are people she met being a mercenary, for crissakes. They aren’t going to be nice.

Good stuff.

Which is yet another reason I’m getting annoyed with this game. There’s good stuff here! And a whole lot of fluff. And fetch quests. And forts.

Feminina:

Yeah! He was an old friend! Why would I suspect my old friends? And yet, as you say, these are people I met while we were hanging out pulling scams with Morkos and murdering people. We’re all people who do pretty much whatever we think it takes to get what we want. Why wouldn’t that involve lying to each other about exactly how someone’s favorite sword wound up in the hands of some other guy?

But as you say, this is very rare in games. Friends are usually true. Possibly only because they’re terrified of the PC, who is after all the ass-kicking-est person around.

Sam deceived Nathan/us in Uncharted 4, but I can’t think of other examples offhand.

Interesting that you met the Oracle’s cousin somewhere else. This was definitely not in Argos, it was in…the Gateway to Hope, or something? Hope was definitely in the town name. He was just standing there when I came into town, with an exclamation point on him. And then his neighbor who he said was blackmailing him and threatening to turn in the Oracle, was he also in Argos for you?

Because in my case, he was about 50 feet away in the same town. Maybe the Oracle has many cousins who are passing her around between them trying to keep her out of the Cult’s eye. And they all have nosy blackmailing neighbors. (Plausible! I’m sure my neighbors would blackmail us in a heartbeat if they knew we were hiding someone from the Cult.)

Or maybe the game just wanted us to do that quest at roughly this point in the story? Which suggests that it actually has some kind of impact on something in the future.

I suppose we can only wait and see what happens.

Butch:

Well, “casual” NPC friends are always true. Really, really close, plot point NPC friends can sometimes turn on you, because that’s plot point. Blackwall being a liar, for example. The slight implication (that I think still can be true, but that would be a digression) that Morrigan is Flemeth in DAO. Sylens in HZD. But just random side quest givers? Pretty much, if your character likes them, they’re cool.

Oh yeah, the cousin’s target was, like 50 feet away, too. Like, behind that building close. And right in downtown Argos.

You know, I had another “impact quest” that was quick and easy. Did you meet a woman who was all “Thank you for not killing my husband or something in the fish market [during the whole guy trying to kill the other guy with snakes quest]? We’ve totally gone straight, could you take these shoes to that beggar over there?” Cuz I got that in downtown Athens. Did you get that somewhere else?

Feminina:

No…no-one has asked me to deliver shoes to anyone. So not a plot point that was critical to the story, apparently, or else it was critical in that something different will happen because I missed it.

Sounds like at least an attempt by the game to recognize that you did something good and people will notice that, suggesting that people will also notice when you do something wrong. (Accidentally killing civilians, maybe. Or failing to save them from boar attacks. Or accidentally killing them while trying to save them from boar attacks. Not that I’m speaking from experience.)

Also a good point that more deeply entrenched people can be deceptive because it’s a plot point, but casual friends you run into are generally true. Because you gotta be able to trust your friends! Even though in real life a lot of the friends you’re likely to have as a character in a lot of games are probably highly unreliable.

Butch:

Well, what did you do with those fishermen who got caught up in the plot to poison the dude with snakes? Did you make them see the error of their ways, or did you do something else? Cuz I made them see the error of their ways.

Like, this cousin came to us cuz we spared his “cousin.” Had we killed her, we likely wouldn’t have gotten the quest, right?

Feminina:

Yeah, I also convinced them to see the error of their ways, sparing their lives. I do try to spare people when I can! I even tried to avoid fighting with the pirate lady who tried to cheat me out of the artifact I found for her! I was ready to just bail (after lying and saying I couldn’t find the thing, because screw you I’m not going to just hand it over), but she said “I guess I’ll see if I can find it on your corpse then” or something.

But maybe I failed to save someone else and so they never asked me to deliver any shoes.

Probably they were wisely afraid I would spread the plague.

Butch:

Or maybe you just missed it. You did miss the “I had a vision of the fall of Athens so take this flower to that dude” quest. Maybe you just had a night where you weren’t at your icon noticing peak while in Athens.

Feminina:

Entirely possible. I get so focused on question marks that all other punctuation is invisible to me!

Butch:

Or maybe it was something like:

NPC: Could you please help?You: What is it?NPC: I need you to do something very important to Athens and the plot of the ga-You: It involve killing a captain?NPC: Uh….no…..You: Looting three or four chests?NPC: No. But it’s very import-You: Fuck off, dude. Hey! What’s that?

Feminina:

That does sound like me.

“How much murder would be involved? None? Hm…I’ll be honest, I don’t usually shine in non-murder jobs. I mean, I’ll take your quest, but it’ll have to go in the queue, and I probably won’t get to it until after I’ve killed every captain and alpha animal in Greece.”

Quest giver: She’ll be here any minute, I’m sure.***time passes***Quest giver: Yup. Any minute now.****more time****Quest giver: Won’t be long now-Shoeless man: You could’ve just brought them yourself, you know.Quest giver: Dwayne, we’ve been over this-Shoeless man: I was right hereQuest giver: Dwayne I-Shoeless man: Seriously, you could see me.Quest giver: Dude-Shoeless man: I was waving at you, saying “Hey, could you bring me my shoes? What are you waiting for?”Quest giver: But did you come over to me? No. NO!Shoeless man: Always turning things back on me, aren’t you?Quest giver: Go walk into a brazier!Shoeless man: Oh look a wild boar!

Feminina:

Six months later I show up, proudly drop the shoes onto a charred, tusk-mauled corpse, and saunter off, secure in the confidence of a job well done.

Butch:

Chords play, you glow, you miss some banter, guy comes up to you says “Hey, you, yeah, the self satisfied little bitch….I mean, great and noble warrior who helped my cousin…got a job for you….”

Feminina:

The system works!

Butch:

And we thought this game had no bloggage!

Oh, wait. It kinda doesn’t. I’m having to distract myself from the lack of bloggage by making up conversations.

Feminina:

Well, there was a bit of a discussion there about how old friends usually don’t turn out to be messing with you, but Heitor kind of was. And something about how you might get recognized for doing good deeds, or might just get pegged as “that lady who will totally murder anyone for any reason, no questions asked.”

In which context, I guess, ‘good deeds’ just become “you didn’t murder me, thank you so much!”

I do appreciate when people recognize my not-murders. It’s not as if it’s EASY for me, you know. Murder is clearly my first response to everything, so failing to murder takes a real effort. It’s nice when someone acknowledges that.

Ha. Actually, I’m murdering less lately because it eats up so much time. I was seriously annoyed with Heitor’s friend last night because he wouldn’t just sprint off with me…he was slow and kept getting into fights with the guys chasing us, so finally I wound up having to kill them all just to get him out of there. If it had been up to me, I would have run in, freed him, and we’d both have booked it, no murder necessary. And those damn guards!–they could have just let us go!

But no…[put-upon sigh]…some people just aren’t satisfied unless you murder them.

Murdering does take up way too much time. It’s why I’m level whatever and you’re more than that. I just don’t have the time to do each thing. Shit, wait until you see the fort I had to get into last night. I mean, I was in, I was out. I wasn’t going to kill anyone. Even when I got into fights it was “I’m just gonna whack you until I can dodge away and flee.” I pretty much took the perk where you don’t take damage from falls JUST so I can scale walls, jump to wherever the fuck and be all “So long, Kevins! Live long, happy lives!”

Feminina:

Oh man, I love that not getting hurt in falls thing. “So long suckers, I’m hurling myself off this 500-foot cliff now!”

I’m at the level where that feat automatically upgrades to “if you intentionally smack the ground when you land, it creates a shock wave that knocks people over,” and I kind of can’t wait to use it when I jump down into a crowd of people, although of course I have yet to remember I have it in time to do that.

Butch:

But watch: I’ll forget I have it, I’ll jump into town or something, do that, and everyone will try to kill me.

Feminina:

Oh yeah, no doubt. It’s only a matter of time.

“Hey, what’s the big idea, jerk?! You think you can just smash down into the middle of a busy agora and knock everyone down?! You’d better be ready to murder 50 guards to back up that claim, missy.”

Butch:

They do tend to overreact. As does the citizenry!

“I’m so mad that, despite your armor and weapons, I will chase you with this REALLY overpowered death broom!”

Them’s some fucking brooms, man.

Feminina:

Oh man, I hate it when the civilians get involved.

“Hey, Walking Death Machine, I’m coming after you with a stick I just picked up so watch out!”

It’s mainly challenging because then I’m dodging around trying not to hit them, because civilians. So I guess in that sense they do make my life more difficult, which perhaps was all they really hoped for.

Butch:

As I once got killed by a broom (not proud), I’ve gotten to the point where they can’t really be ignored. But you kill one, and you get a bounty. So it’s always “Leave me alone! Please! Ah, fuck, take THAT!” ***open menu, pay bounty before dude shows up, repeat***

Feminina:

I can certainly see how one would be wary. I do tend to run away from them to avoid hitting them, I admit it.

“All right, all right, I’m leaving, terrifying broom-wielder! I’ll just sneak back around and loot this treasure later, when you’re not looking.”

I do an awful lot of running and coming back again from the other side. It’s not a brilliant tactic, being fairly obvious, but it works a fair amount of the time.

Butch:

I’ve started running. Just to avoid the indignity of being killed by a broom.

Feminina:

Makes sense to me.

Discretion, valor, etc.

Plus think of all the money you save not paying off bounties!

Butch:

Oh, dude, you have no idea. It’s like 43 coins a kill. Hardly worth it.

I’m not sure who I’m paying it to. Just killing and tossing money in the air every time.

Feminina:

Ha! That’s kind of awesome. Like the Tooth Fairy, only you have to pay her. And she’s the Murder Fairy.

So not actually that much like the Tooth Fairy.

Still: Accidental murder. Toss a handful of money in the air. Continue on way.

Could be worse.

I’ve only paid off a bounty once, though. Usually I just lay low and wait for them to go away, or else fight the bounty hunters when they show up, depending on what I’m in the mood for. I find having a couple of bounty hunters wandering around while I’m trying to kill a captain and loot the treasure in a fort adds an extra spice of danger.

Butch:

Nah, man. Hate those guys. No bounties.

No time for killin’, remember?

Feminina:

Ah, but I need that money to beef up my ship! I refuse to pay the Murder Fairy’s exorbitant rates.

Butch:

Oh the ship’s in trouble. I made the terrible mistake of a) turning on “autocraft” in the arrow section and b) shooting about 209543085495 arrows trying to kill sharks.

I actually ran out of wood. Seriously.

Feminina:

Wow! That’s a lot of arrows. Shooting at sharks is the best, though!

Although often, lately, I just ignore them and try to swim fast to get past them, and a lot of times they don’t even attack, or if they do they bite me once before I loot and return to the boat.

Saving precious time I can then spend killing captains later!

This game seriously hates captains. DO NOT ACCEPT A MILITARY PROMOTION IN ANCIENT GREECE is the message I’m getting.

Spoilers for the bit of the main quest uncovered in the Pirate Isles in AC: Odyssey

Butch:

Well….that was anti-climactic.

I seem to be saying that a lot for an action game.

I said to myself “You know, been a while since I sold stuff. Maybe I’m closer to the fifteen grand than I thought.” So I went to the blacksmith, sold JUST MY TRADE GOODS and bam. Seventeen grand.

Paid Xenia, got cutscene, left Keos.

So you know when I got there, and I was all optimistic cuz black woman and slavery and “ooo, there’s gonna be THEMES man!” Yeah. Well. Yup.

Once again, the themes are a mirage.

But got the cutscene, which, I thought, was rather a stretch.

Then noticed on my quest list that a) the other two things we had to do are still there and b) I had something for Barabas, and it was a place I had been, so I went and did that, and….it was weird. And suggests more weird to come. You do that?

And then went towards where Hippocrates is cuz I thought that would be interesting to do next.

Man, I really thought there were gonna be themes on Keos.

Feminina:

Hm. Yeah. Not that many themes. Lots of lions, though!

I haven’t moved on, I’m still cleaning up all the question marks on Keos. Fighting lions. And got through that fort there and everything. Prompted a conquest battle which I idly considered joining on the side of the Athenians, but then I couldn’t be bothered.

Nice work selling your trade goods to raise the cash, though. I always forget about those too. I rarely visit the blacksmith, really. Occasionally I’ll go in to have my gear upgraded, but even that isn’t that often, since I frequently pick up new gear that works as well or better. I do keep upgrading my shroud, though. I just like wearing that shroud. Makes me feel assassin-y.

And yeah, I did kind of expect a bit of something there in the way of themes. Strong woman of color opposed to slavery! Maybe we’ll hunt down some slavers or something! But nah.

It also thought it was a bit surprising that Kassandra’s mother was a pirate, but I’m not sure why, really. I mean, I’M a freaking mercenary. I earn my living by the sword: why wouldn’t she? She’s the one who gave me the magic spear in the first place, after all. What else would a strong Spartan woman do, but seize what she needed from the world by whatever means necessary?

Being still on Keos, I haven’t done anything for Barnabas. I’m sure I’ll get to it as soon as I’m done with all these lions and what-not.

Butch:

So many lions….and boars. I did pull a stunt where a lion was chasing me and I ran it right into a boar and made them fight each other. Boar won. It was pretty great.

Still haven’t done another one of those conquest battles. Don’t see the point.

I only sold the stuff cuz I didn’t want to do any more fetch quests at that time, and I thought it would be an easy way out (and it was). So there ya go.

Right! It started with that graphically violent treatment of the slaver! At the hands of the strong woman of color! And then nothing. Usually you get that, three quests pop, it’s bloggin’ time! But no. Not in an AC game, I guess.

I couldn’t really be surprised either way, as that scene really didn’t say a whole lot except “She’s not here cuz she went there.” I WANTED it to say more! How’d they meet? How’d these people who were very different on the outside become such close friends? Why did this pirate who didn’t seem to like anyone like her so much? Shit, let’s have some insight into this pirate who I thought was going to be a) a very cool character and b) a lieutenant I could recruit and get to know?

But no. It’s “She’s not here cuz she went there.”

By the way, been a while since I saw someone I could get as a lieutenant. Not since the pirate who lost her lover way the fuck back in the land of Apollo. Am I missing something?

It’s a thing, that Barnabas quest. And ties into the whole “are you silly for believing” deal. And Barnabas is, at least, a character.

Feminina:

I love leading hostile creatures into other hostile creatures! Always happy to have someone else do some of the hard work of killing someone for me.

I have accidentally knocked out a couple of guys instead of killing them, and then been able to recruit them as lieutenants , but they were just random soldiers. I haven’t met any actual quest-related person to recruit since that woman who was going to make a statue of me. (And I’ve yet to see her craft a beautiful new figurehead for the ship, so honestly, no huge loss if you didn’t meet her. Maybe she’s still working on it.)

Butch:

Oh really? You can just recruit any old Kevin? I did not know that. Wondered what “knock out” was for.

Another great disappointment of Keos was not being able to recruit Xenia. I thought for SURE she was going to end up on the boat. Great pirate, friends with the person we’re trying to find, would’ve made perfect sense for Kassandra to be all “Hey, why don’t we team up? Find her together?”

She could’ve been a much cooler character.

Feminina:

True, it would have been cool because she was, potentially, a cool character (I mean, damn, she’s a giant pirate lady with badass scars and clearly takes no nonsense from anyone! if only we knew more!), but given the narrative fate of all the other people we’ve recruited, who show up on the ship screen but have otherwise never been heard from again, I think it would also diminish her.

Why would she want to be reduced to being our lieutenant and be bossed around by some whippersnapper, when she rules a freaking city right now? Kind of a step down, really, to go from Queen of the Pirate Isles to some wandering mercenary’s third-or-fourth-in-command.

And yeah, if you manage to knock someone out without killing them (I think I’ve done it by kicking them, although I’ve never succeeded in doing it on purpose, it just happens sometimes), you can recruit them. Presumably we could be working hard to knock out tough, elite fighters, instead of the total randos I’ve picked up so far, but…I just haven’t gotten the knack of intentionally knocking out. And honestly, in the haze of battle, it’s not really my priority.

Butch:

True. But, let’s face it, we’ve played umpteen games where a core mechanic is “Hey, really cool career hero, I know I’m only level seven, but want to come permanently live at my base/castle/ship and help me out and maybe have sex a bunch?” We LOVE games like that! We’ve never complained about the narrative inconsistency surrounding that! We will NEVER complain!

Feminina:

No, we certainly will not complain, but in those games those characters at least travel around with us sometimes, and usually have character quests that we can go on with them to make them more loyal and cause them to loooooooove uuuuusss. Here, we recruit someone and then–with the exception of Barnabas–that’s the end of their story. (At least so far. Maybe later I’ll get to go on quests with the sculptor lady, but I’m not holding my breath.)

We wouldn’t want to do that to Xenia! I mean, I don’t WANT to do that to anyone, except maybe the random Kevins, but especially not someone who seems that cool to start with.

Butch:

Well, what about Odessa? We “recruited” her, and there she is, still hanging out, waiting for Kassandra to figure out how to go below decks.

(Yup. Said it.)

Feminina:

Nice. Nice one.

And yeah, I know! There she is! She is right there, apparently!

But we haven’t actually SPOKEN to her since we recruited her. Any romantic hanky panky taking place is purely in our own imaginations.

Are we going on quests with her? Helping her fulfill her dreams of adventure and discovery?

I mean…she gets to ride on our ship, right? That counts? But as far as her actual story actually developing…nothin’.

Butch:

This game gets so close so often. If they’re really gonna make rpgs, they gotta follow through.

Feminina:

Yeah. All these dialogue options and choices that can come back to haunt one, those are very RPG touches. Perhaps those are all the touches it technically needs. But the human relationships, those are not really developed, and so it remains RPG-esque in ways that matter to us, i.e., the drawn-out process of making people loooooooove meeeeeee.

Butch:

Hey, besides your obsessions, the personal touches do matter. And if you’re going through the effort of getting this close to cool characters, why not do it?

Feminina:

Baby steps. Maybe they’re just moving slowly and figuring it out.

We’ll have to see what the next several games do.

Butch:

I’m certainly hoping for more character development.

By which I mean nudity.

Feminina:

I honestly think the nudity is going to turn out to be just the statues. Like in RDR2, after all the anticipation, it was some random pictures and some dudes bathing in the lake.

I mean, keep hoping! Dream on, eternal optimist! But I’m doubtful it’ll ever come to more than we’ve seen already. At least there are plenty of statues.

Dude, Keos! I’ve BEEN to Keos! I can fast travel to Keos! I mean, I won’t any time soon cuz there’s other stuff to do, but I’ve been there!

Remember way back when I was sailing to Attika from somewhere and I said “Hey Barnabas, if you say ‘don’t go near there! There are pirates and shit’ then I’m certainly going to go there?”

THERE was Keos! Who knew?

So that’ll be easy.

But yesterday, what, I did a timed quest where I took bad writing to a guy and got XP, took a pair of sandals for a beggar and got XP, forged a name and got a witness so Allie could make a dude a citizen, and broke into a playwright’s home to find out he was in the Cult and he STILL isn’t the guy I’ve been trying to unmask for days.

Oh, and I spent a good amount of time wishing I could kill Socrates just to shut him up.

Still not sure what’s up with that citizen thing.

But Keos! Nice place. Lots of question marks. You’re gonna love it.

Feminina:

Nice! Way to go Barnabas telling us stuff we’ll need to know someday. I’ll get there.

But I did not get there last night. Last night I just tidied up the last question marks in Athens, forged a signature for Alkibiades because it was on my way (but didn’t find a witness because it wasn’t on my way), and headed out towards the Scarred Mountains of whatever, looking for a quarry where that Heremos dude may be held. Got distracted by a lion’s den, as one does. Killed an Alpha Animal. Got some soft leather. Upgraded the ram on my ship (without actually going near it–I must have just sent the money and instructions to Barnabas).

Totally going to press onward.

Butch:

Dude I did that signature last night! The witness quest pops just as soon as you tell him you did it. You get the chords of completion, and boom. Another exclamation point appears over Allie’s head. You’re standing right there.

You thought it was still a check mark, didn’t you?

Ah, the quarry. I remember it well.

Stupid quarry.

And Barnabas totally didn’t! He was all “Don’t go there! Pirates!” and I was like “Don’t? By don’t you must mean jump off the boat and swim there! On it!”

Gotta say, I’m totally not into animal dens. Those fuckers are tough. And I kinda like the animals. They’re wildlife, man. And the sometimes help with the whole Kevin problem.

Feminina:

I do love when animals can help out with my pursuing-soldier issues. That’s the best. But on the other hand, I need a lot of soft leather for my boat upgrades. Also, if there’s a location objective about killing an Alpha Animal, that Alpha Animal must die. I have to obey the objectives. It’s a compulsion. Would I kindly? Yes I would.

I didn’t actually have Allie’s quest activated when I forged the signature, I just happened across a quest-diamond in the agora while I was going somewhere else. I didn’t really stick around to look for the next phase. Figured I’ll come back here anyway at some point to report to Kleon, so I’ll look for it then.

Butch:

Poor animals, doomed by arbitrary location objectives.

You’re going to have to report back to Allie at some point. First off, good dialog, second off, leads to other quests that you kinda sorta have to do, cuz they reveal the identity of a cultist, and those guys really do have to die.

Feminina:

Oh, I concur. Those cultists must die.

I need to upgrade my spear, after all.

And protect my mother! That too.

Butch:

And, most likely, finish the game. I don’t think those dudes are optional.

The mercenaries get a pass.

Feminina:

Yeah, it’s the mercenaries’ call as to whether they want to attack me (and therefore die). Totally on them.

The cultists–as you say, not optional. They cannot escape their fate! Nor can I escape mine, which is to kill them all.

I mean, I guess I could stop playing, but THAT’s not going to happen.

Butch:

Not so deep into the game.

So I better find that dude in Attika…..soon…..

Feminina:

Maybe it really is tied in with Kleon’s quest. I’ll let you know if I learn anything about a cultist while pursuing this messenger.

I mean, he is a messenger, he carries messages. Maybe they’re about the cult. Maybe Kleon is a member!

Butch:

Yeah, we’re gonna have to compare notes on this shit. I was so bummed last night when I found something and Kassandra is all “He’s a member of the CULT!” and I thought “Phew! Finally. Found him,” and went to check and it was some other dude entirely. As disappointing as the time I figured out where a clue was, spent FOREVER trying to get it, finally DID get it, and the dude was, like, five levels above me.

Sigh.

At least I know a cultist is dead on Keos. Cuz I found him by accident. Heh.

Feminina:

Wait, you didn’t have any clues or anything, just found him? Sweet!

Assuming that’s where he hangs out, I look forward to killing him myself when I get to Keos.

As someday I surely will. But first, this Heremos guy must be found. In case he has clues about that cultist on Keos I haven’t killed yet.

Butch:

Wait…ANOTHER cultist on Keos?

I dunno, man. I was in Keos checking shit out, as one does, and I went into a place and a dude attacked me, so I killed him, and it said “Cultist clue found!” and a cultist popped up, like, ten feet away. So I killed him. I can only guess that the first guy’s last words were “Dude….HE’S the cultist….my name’s Kevin…..blugle….” So, you know, that’s a clue….

Feminina:

Naw, I was just joking that your clue would lead me to the guy you found by mistake. I’m sure there aren’t two cultists on one small island. That would be way too convenient for assassination purposes.

Butch:

Ya never know. The game has to throw you a bone sometimes.

Feminina:

I suppose it might, at some point.

I mean, all those animals attacking people I’m trying to kill is nice.

Or other people attacking animals I’m trying to kill! That’s good too. Last night some passing soldiers killed one of the lions I was fighting. Didn’t even take the soft leather. Thanks, guys!

Butch:

In other news, Nugget and Meatball are spending the weekend in NYC with my parents. My father has taken them to his favorite whiskey bar.

I got nothing. Well, I have tired kids. Not home until 930 last night from the show. One thing I’ll say for this camp: The shows are damn good. I’ll give them that. But late. Very late.

And, when they’re tired, they’re evil.

But it’s cool. They’ll go to bed nice and early and oh wait there’s another, even longer show tonight, and Nugget has a part in the second act.

Tomorrow will be ok, though. Very mellow and oh wait they have their end of camp thing where they’re both in concerts.

Naked Zeus, I beseech you….either save me or strike me down. There’s a ram and maybe a cup of iced coffee in it for you.

Feminina:

Good lord, man.

Honestly, I’m not sure sacrifice will help you: based on this tale of tribulations, I can only assume that you have gravely offended Naked Zeus in the past, and this is your terrible punishment. Legends will be told about it in ages to come. Cautionary legends.

I played some. Bopped around Korinth and the surrounding area, did everything I had to do there except the giant fort on the hill. I’ll go back for that. There’s time. Not like a sinister cult is trying to find and probably murder my mother or anything.

Butch:

You know you’ll likely be back. You’ll do the fort, and the very next quest will be “Go get the thing from that fort…..”

Kevin all “Phew. Glad that’s over. She’s finally gone. I gotta remember to mow the lawn. Well, right after I put this beacon that exploded back together. Hey, Kevin, hand me that hammer. Kevin? Kevin? Kevin, I TOLD you, don’t go near the grass oh where has he gone…hey, what’s that whistling?”

As for my trials and tribulations, it’s cool. As of three tomorrow, camp will be done! So…you know….nothing really happening until school…in a couple of weeks…..

SAVE ME NAKED ZEUS!!!!!!

Feminina:

I still think you need to repent and beg forgiveness for some horrible crime you must have committed to anger Him. Maybe sacrifice a couple of the kids?

Hm. That might be a bit dark, even for us.

Butch:

Yet it would be particularly effective in terms of remedying the issues at hand.

Feminina:

Even if Naked Zeus doesn’t personally respond!

Hard to argue with that kind of efficacy when it comes to prayer.

Butch:

Sometimes, you just gotta make sure Naked Zeus gets the hint.

T SHIRT!!!!!

Oh, and there’s a gathering of the neighborhood friends TOMORROW after the camp thing because they all need to drink away their kid issues, too, and guess who they always nominate to cook shit?

Going to desperately try to find time to get to Korinth this afternoon.

Feminina:

Korinth has so many captains to kill and treasures to loot! You’re gonna love it.

Butch:

Dude, I could’ve had that in Athens. I DID have that in Athens. My sailors are gonna be all “You made us row all the way here, stopping every twelve feet, for this? We could’ve stayed put, man!”

Feminina:

“Quiet, you. You needed the exercise. Can’t have you getting all lazy and sloppy right before we get attacked by pirates again. Trust me, you have to keep up with FITNESS or it’ll haunt you.”

Butch:

It so will!

Though I really don’t have to taunt them with FITNESS. I often (and I assume you do the same) do the trick of “travel speed” then “Ooo! Question Mark! Slow down!”

Ha! Yes. I’ve done that. “Full speed ahead! On second thought slow down, I want to check out that thing over there…”

It’s all about teaching them to respond quickly and accurately. Because when the pirates come, an instant’s hesitation could be fatal!

Butch:

Ergo the irony of me, in the face of every pirate attack, taking forever to a) figure out where they are, b) remembering what buttons to push and c) line up a ram that never works anyway. Sailors all “What NOW we’re chilling? NOW?????”

OK! Played some!

I gotta ask: What did I ever do to you? You KNOW I’m having a rough week. So why? Why did you send me to Korinth?

I’m in Korinth. I went by way of Salamis (aren’t salamis Italian?) (Had to be said) where I did the tomb of Ajax, found a stele, got some cool loot. It was fun. Killed a cultist there, too.

And then went zoop across the bay to Korinth.

Where EVERYTHING is two or three levels above me. First place: Red 23s over them. I’m level 19. The fucking WOLVES outrank me.

Yes, there are question marks. Lots of them. LOTS of them. With baddies who are badder than I am.

Dude.

DUDE.

Feminina:

Oh. Sorry.

I’m level 28! I didn’t realize! You’re keeping up with me in terms of the main story, it didn’t occur to me that you might not also be at the same level. But then, I guess I’ve killed a lot more random captains I found at random question marks, and that adds up.

Apologies, though. Unintentional! Maybe try Megaris? I had a lot of question marks at the far edges of Megaris that I’d missed. Maybe you do too.

Butch:

28????????

There is no Kevin left in Greece.

Nah, dude, I’m going to give you a 50/50 chance of actually doing main quest shit this week at all. If I ever have time to play games again, I’m going back to Attika. At the very least, there’s two cultists there need killin’ and they’re my level. That and maybe a chat with Perikles (who is SO in the cult….we’ll talk….later….) should beef me up some. At least it’ll do it quicker than getting 192 XP per question mark.

Oh he’s on summer vacation! Why didn’t you say so! Makes so much sense now, because there’s nothing like being at home with the kids all day to get wonderful, peaceful, game time!

Feminina:

I hold you as the shining ideal of how well that works, all right. Your soul is hardly crushed at all!

But they’re not home all day, they’ve got daycare and summer adventure camp at school. They’re home some of the time, for sure, but he manages to play some afternoons. Plus the not sleeping means he can also play at night.

Butch:

Yeah, the night playing is a plus. But, as my soul is crushed, I’m usually either a) tired, b) tipsy or, most likely c) both at night.

But again….my kids are/were at camp. But there were chores! Food to make! FITNESS to do! Laundry!

How does he DO it?

Feminina:

I don’t know, I’m not home. But probably not having to drive all over creation to drop people off and pick them up helps. We’re kind of close to everything right now, in the city, so that’s convenient.

If the kids ever want to go someplace COOL, or FUN, that could be a different story. But not my problem hahahahahaha because oh darn I have to work! I’m cruel.

I played, but I didn’t do anything but chase question marks and ostraka treasures. The usual. I’m all over the territory around Korinth, totally ignoring Athens and the main story.

Because I want to make sure you don’t get behind! I’m just looking out for you!

Butch:

Thanks, man. Magpieing for friendship. How did you even find Korinth, anyway?

Feminina:

Korinth is next to and across the bay from Megaris. I was out for a treasure-hunting swim and stumbled on it long ago, then stumbled back more recently while ostraka-hunting in Megaris.

Ooh, one exciting thing that happened last night was that I was at some location where I had to kill some bandits or something, and a bounty hunter was chasing me, and I managed to get the bandits and the bounty hunter fighting! That’s the best. The bounty hunter killed two of the guys I needed to kill (and I got credit for their deaths in the objective screen!), and was somewhat weakened in the battle so it was easier for me to kill him later.

Everyone wins! By which I mean, only I win.

Butch:

Oh right….that’s way over there, though. So much travelling….how do you keep it all straight?

Are you killing EVERY bandit and shit?

Nicely done! Mercenary credit is great. When I did the weird love potion quest, I managed to lure not one but two boars into the pirate camp. That was pretty great. Go get ’em, boars!

I am more than happy to delegate my murdering to others.

T SHIRT!!!! (Or not….)

Feminina:

I ran into so many boars last night. Angry boars. Once I got into a conversation with someone about a random timed quest (“all the sharks must die”) and when the conversation screen cut out, there was a boar standing right behind me, apparently just waiting patiently for me to be done talking so it could attack. Which it immediately did.

Then another time I was looking through my inventory, closed the inventory screen and there was a boar, waiting patiently for me to be done sorting my stuff so it could attack. Which it immediately did.

It was pretty funny, but boars are bad news. Watch out for them when you get to Korinthia.

Butch:

HA! Like my kids!

“You done? You done? You done? How about now? How about now? How about now? Now? Ok. AHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAHHH I’M SO MAD LET’S FIGHT!”

Feminina:

Yes! Boars are much like kids. Angry and frequently lethal.

Butch:

OK! Played! Badly.

Tried to help out a little girl who was building friends out of clay. Was nice to her. Kassandra was all “I couldn’t break her heart, even if it wasn’t good for her.” Thought “That’s a hint. She’ll get killed. Better go do the helpful thing.” Reloaded. Told her to make real friends. She got mad. I feel bad. I was probably right the first time.

But here’s the thing: The whole time, I was thinking “This is gonna be bad, man. Bad. Her ‘friends’ are likely pirates who are gonna attack me. This is bait. This sucks.” And I was wrong!

Interesting juxtaposition of quests on this island, the idea of gathering stuff to make fake love (and it ending poorly) and the idea of gathering stuff to make “fake” friends. I use quotes, as, if you give her the jewels, she is all happy. You say “friends come in all forms.”

Still not sure if I should’ve reloaded. I WANT her to be happy, but….

GAH! As a parent, this is too damn complicated!

Great quest, though. Anything that makes you reload, then think “Should I have reloaded? WHAT IS RIGHT?” is a good quest. Bravo, game.

Then got back on the boat to sail back towards Athens. Didn’t fast travel cuz cultists were in between. Found the volcano. Synced the viewpoint. Dove, and, all of a sudden was in the “depths of the forge.” “This looks important,” thought I. “I will likely have to come back here,” thought I. “I have to get the kids soon, so fuck this,” thought I.

So, fast traveled back to the boat. Now I’m by a dock of a new place….cradle of medicine or some shit. A town. You been there? Or should I drift towards someplace you’ve done more?

Feminina:

Ah, the girl with the clay friends! Yes. I also tried being stern with her, all “you have to make real friends!” and she rightly pointed out that that’s easy for me to say, I don’t know her life. People shun her and are mean to her and what do I know about that?Good point, girl.

Nevertheless, I don’t reload choices unless I die, even though the game encourages it, so I shrugged and walked off leaving her sad with her clay friends. And not even the shiny stones I gathered for her, since I threw them into the lake! I thought that was a bit excessive.

Kassandra’s kind of mean. But then, she is a hired killer who was thrown off a cliff as a child by the man she thought was her father. She’s not entirely without embittering experiences of life.

That’s pretty much exactly what I did in the volcano. Synced the viewpoint, dove into the water, came up, had some location objectives, and thought “it’s late, I’ll come back later.”

Haven’t been back yet. Went to Korinth instead.

Go to Korinth. There’s a badass Medusa carving there.

Butch:

So you didn’t do Andros or wherever the fuck is right by the volcano? How did you resist?

Nah, the game said “I couldn’t break her heart….even if it would have helped her…” if you’re nice. That’s why I reloaded and did what you did. I think, if you were nice, it was all “HA! You thought being nice to a kid was all good? Well, she’s boar food now, dumbass.”

But yeah, Kassandra, let her keep the stones.

Why was the kid called a “cursed girl?” That gave me pause.

Did you expect a fight? I sure did.

All the way back to Corinth? You didn’t do anything by the volcano?

Feminina:

I resisted! Amazingly! I stopped at the volcano on my way TO dropping off the guy we helped escape from Athens, not after I was done, so I was in the middle of something, and I was half afraid that if we waited too long the guy would swim off and we’d have to go back to Athens for him or something, so that helped my willpower. I just wanted to finish that guy’s quest!

And since then, I’ve been so busy hunting ostraka…I’ve done all but one of the ones in my inventory now. I feel so accomplished. And ready to get back to the volcano.

Butch:

Ah, ok. That makes sense. I’ll head to Korinth!

And I’m not coming back to this place until the plot of the game (remember that?) makes me, which it no doubt will.

Feminina:

I vaguely remember that? And it probably will. At some point. After we’ve exhausted all the treasure hunts.

Butch:

Plot. Story. Narrative. Those things you play games FOR.

Feminina:

Well, that and climbing things. And stealthy murder.

Butch:

Fair point. Fair point.

There’s just something about AC that makes you particularly resistant to story, though.

Feminina:

If this is true, I blame the multiplicity of question marks, but I’m rather doubtful it’s true. How much time did we spend magpieing around ignoring the main story in Skyrim? Or Fallout 4? Or FONV? Or DAI?

We ALWAYS ignore the main story for weeks at a time. It’s a hazard of the art form.

Butch:

There wasn’t much main story to do in Skyrim or FO4, though, so we’re ok on that front.

Feminina:

Bethesda tends to be like that. But man, they pack some stories into the sidequests.