i'm confuse in my life...

i was wanted to post about this in some teen forum but it might be a bit awkward so i decided to came over here... atleast everyone is mature and experianced quarter of their life.

ok, basically i'm been thinking about me being really gay or not. i know it sound silly, you guys must be thinking "oh come on, you're already here... in this forum" but please read on.

alrite, i had an elder sister when i was young and she was 11 years older then me, unfortunately she passed away when i was 4-5 y/o. since i came out of nowhere, all my cousins are atleast 6-7 years older then me and never play with me because whenever they make me cry they will get into trouble. yes i'm a real cry baby.

well it's all because i'm smaller size then average boy and cry alot in primary school, bullies pick on me is a common thing and i just never tell my parents about it, it's alway girls that stand up for me, since then i have more girlfriends than boy. bully became worst and my whole high school life was like hell, everyone in school only call me "sissy" instead of my name even people i dont know. all i can do is try my best to beat them in academic! my high school was the worst one all the way long.

then, here comes the confusion all the way in school i was thinking why cant i get a brother or someone who can protect me, i always wish for a brother. someone can keep them shut their arse-ho mouth. somehow i just start imagine someone who like a big brother to me who can take care of me or something, or maybe i just being gay...

i always wish i can have a big big brother who can take care of me, well in non sexual way just like what a big brother will do to younger brother kinda way, how it feels like anyway???? i dont know why, but there is some part of my brain just say it's just plain wrong and it sound really gay, i never talk about this with anyone but i'm really scare. everything so tough rite now and i'm confused.

to be honest, i never hang out with a big bunch of guys in my whole life, i never when to club or pub before and i drank only alcohol once.... and yes i'm just turn 19. i feel really insecure sometimes, and girls give me comfort somehow and i never fall for any girl before....

You childhood sound like mine, except I dont have any girl to stood up for me. I basically go thru the bullying, nasty name calling, verbal abuse at school and at home by my older brother. So I perfectly understand what you go thru.

However , you dont have to accept all that. When I am about your age I realize I need to change and be a men. I start to do a lot of manly thing such as lifting weight, sport, I even join the military just to prove to myself I am not the sissy they say I am. Just like you I am also an Asian , height 5 ft 6, a weakling 120lb when I start to improve my physical . It not really a good ideas , to hang around girl to much when you expect people to treat you like a men. I know a guy at work (as far as I know his straight) who seem always hang around girl and looking really sissy and effiminate.

Nowaday I have never heard other people call me sissy any more. Manly, macho, cowboy are more common for me. Just like you, I was confuse about my sexuality . Why I am attracted to guy, when I should be with girl. But it really up to you. At 19, you should be adult enough to decide this thing for youself.

Being smaller in size and being Asian doesn't make you any less of a man. At the same time, lifting weights, playing sports and joining the military doesn't make you anymore of a man than guys who have a lot of female friends.

Who you prefer to be with sexually defines if you're gay, straight, bi, etc. So that's what you need to find out.

Sometimes I find that people really do know their sexual preference, they just have a difficult time coming to terms with it. I'm not saying that that is the case with you but it does happen.

Assuming you have already gone through puberty, you must find yourself attracted to people, maybe fantasize about people, become arroused in certain situations. What/who turns you on sexually? Finding that out will give you your answer.

I have to disagree about the part jorel1 said that military/weight lifting vs. having many female friends have no effect on whether someone is more or less of a man. This is not a gay or straight thing, but in my opinion guys that have no experience of what is expected of men but are not expected of women can never be a real man. Guys, straight or gay that hide behind friendship of females because they can't rise up to challenges that society allows females to skip. Specifically conquering fear, developing mental/physical strength and self-confidence.

For a young man who's always hung out with females, it's time to learn what being a man means, by hanging out with guys and learning from that. Small size is a shortcoming for many competitive areas but there are sports/skills where smaller guys do better or as well as bigger guys. Once you know what it's like to be around men, you can still have many female friends, but you wouldn't be the same person and you won't hide your fears behind the cover of feminine friendship like you used to.

Society also gives females challenges in other areas that males don't have to take, which make males with feminine thinking more successful in many areas than average men. The relative lack of ego and better abilities to communicate and maintain relationships, for example.

gimmycool,you`re confused about.......?Being gay,sexually attracted to guys,how to stand up to the bullies?You need to learn some self confidence,not rely on others to defend you.Sport could be the way,or martial arts,etc.Maybe you`ll need to try something until you find something that works for you.For me,hiding from the bullies never works.You have to confront them at some point.Hope you find some answer to your problems.

hahah, i think everyone think i act like flamer... i dont to be honest hahah, i just hang out with girls lots... and knowing what they will do during hang out, cloths, handbags... shoes... but i dont really try it myself just giving opinion.(i'm the most talkative and hyperactive in the group)

i never experiance hangout with guys, curious what they will do when they hangout... vandalising???? skateborading??? breakdance?? totally no idea.

i'm a nursing student, and it's really normal to surrounded by girl instead of guys beside my campus is on it own seperated from the main campus so.... it's really hard to get guys mayb just a few guys in the lecture hall...

MtndudeSF, the original poster's question was am I gay or not. (I think)

My definition of a man seems to be different from your definition. To me, a man is a person that has a penis. (with the exception of transexuals)

Also, he seems to think that having only female friends means you are gay, or playing sports and being in the military means you are straight. Although it's a stereotype we all know it's not true.

A lot of the men here play/enjoy sports and are athletic. But they are not straight. It seems as though he thinks that doing certain activities or hanging out with certain people define your sexuality.

To answer his question, he will need to find out what he prefers sexually and that's completely seperate from if you hang out with women or if you like to play sports. He said he doesn't know anything about that. When I was 19 (the original poster's age) I knew that I liked men.

Gimmycool, do you have any sexual tendancies at all? (masturbating, fantasizing, love interests, etc.) I know that's a personal question and you certainly don't have to answer it. But I think it's a question you need to ask yourself. Once you answer that question, I think you'll get your answer.

Jorel1, the difference between our statements on what defines a "man" is semantics. Your definition of a "man" is purely medical. The member who posted about "joining the military to prove that he's not a sissy" seems to define a "man" in a similar way to my definition. He wrote about "expect(ing) people to treat you like a man", meaning with the kind of respect they don't give for females or youth. In the definition I used in my posts the meaning of "man" is not just in opposition to "woman", but also in opposition to "boy", i.e. someone immature, insecure, someone who cries a lot, etc.

Continued from my previous post: yes jorel1 I agree that to find out whether he's gay or straight he needs to figure out which gender he's attracted to; hanging out with girls or playing sports don't define it. However, the suggestion from the other (deleted) poster that he tries playing sports or joining the military to toughen up, so to speak, is relevant. Bullies and "sissy" name-calling need to be confronted, and one needs to have self-confidence and courage to do that. This might be the growing up he needs to do first in order to separate questions about his sexuality from this other socialization problem.

MtnDudeSF, I hear you. I understand and agree with your point of view to a certain extent.

I know you're not saying this, but sometimes it just seems that people think that to be a man, you have to be tough, play sports, push back when people push you, etc.

I played softball, football and other sports in school. Truthfully, my father is the person that basically forced me into it. Looking back, I think he realized that I was gay and along the same lines of what you're talking about, felt that if I played sports, it would make me stronger and not a "sissy".

Knowing what I know now, I feel I gained more self-confidence from being teased and picked on as a kid, than from playing sports. I did not have a lot of support or friends as a kid, and found myself constantly having to defend who I was. Playing sports basically allowed me to hide who I really was by conforming and trying to fit in with the "normal" boys.

To make it worse, my father felt that if he showed me any emotion, told me he loved me, gave me hugs, etc., it would make me more of a sissy boy. As a result, I got nothing from him in that respect. In a way, that too contributed to me having to be tougher and let things role off my back. I was basically my own support system.

It is my experience, that usually, guys that are considered fems or sissy boys have a tougher skin than other gay guys. They've have it harder in some respects and become stronger as a result.

That is basically why I don't completely agree with the notion that playing sports makes you more of a man. It may give you self- confidence because you're put in a situation where you have to interact, compete with and interact with the "normal" boys, but for me, I got that experience and gained my inner strength and confidence just by having to survive and deal with all of the ramifications that came with being a sissy boy.

Jorel, you've opened up some deeper issues, this is great. Let's take the word "man" out of it, and ask ourself who we should and want to be? I say having mental strength and self-confidence are big parts of it. I do know that guys who have always "fit in" with the "normal" guys tend to lack coping mechanisms, because they haven't been forced to figure out who they are and what they're capable of. Some straight macho men and military men especially manifest this. Some of these guys have never been bullied so they lack the experience of fighting back.

On the other hand, so-called "sissy" boys who haven't faced up to their challenges also lack this experience. Hiding behind women allow them to escape the pain one more day. But to learn to fight back one needs to learn about competition. For a male to surround himself with females the social aspect of competition is mostly eliminated (other than between Karen and Jack on Will & Grace). Sports is one way to learn competitive skills, but you don't learn it if you're just doing it for other people, not developing an interest in it yourself.

I know you're not saying this, but sometimes it just seems that people think that to be a man, you have to be tough, play sports, push back when people push you, etc.

But I am saying this to a point. Being tough, competitive, and able to defend your dignity is essential to your well-being. Sports is optional, it can be replaced by other competitive skills.

Knowing what I know now, I feel I gained more self-confidence from being teased and picked on as a kid, than from playing sports. I did not have a lot of support or friends as a kid, and found myself constantly having to defend who I was.

I think you developed your self-confidence from having to defend yourself in whichever way, not just by the fact you were teased and picked on. You had to confront the situation you were in.

To make it worse, my father felt that if he showed me any emotion, told me he loved me, gave me hugs, etc., it would make me more of a sissy boy. As a result, I got nothing from him in that respect. In a way, that too contributed to me having to be tougher and let things role off my back. I was basically my own support system.

You also see that being tougher was necessary to survive with your sanity.

It is my experience, that usually, guys that are considered fems or sissy boys have a tougher skin than other gay guys. They've have it harder in some respects and become stronger as a result.

The ones that have survived with their sanity intact, yes. But it seems a lot of gay youth today and in the past have not dealt with this as well as you did, maybe they didn't have fathers that urged them to interact with males rather than hiding from them. I grew up also somewhat of a "sissy" boy but in my culture staying away from boys and hanging out with girls exclusively was not an option, so I didn't develop close female friends although I was well liked by the girls. I also had a father that urged me to play sports. I became a feisty kid even though physically weaker than others; I was involved in some nasty fights before I gained a lot of respect.

I not saying because I join military/play sport make me more manly than guy with a lot of female friend. What I am saying those military training really change me from a sisy boy to a much tougher person. If you go thru the military drill, you will understand how you must be tough in order to survive. I can still recall that sargent shouting to my face not to embarrased the troop and start to march like a man. Military training tougher you physically , mentally and emotionally. Hanging around all this hunky man force you to be one of them. However , of course thru it all I am still a gay man. Just I am not a sissy boy anymore . Gay yes, but a manly gay not a sissy gay. I agree with you, some guy with a lot of girlfriend could also be manly, but that certainly not the way I was before I join the military.

MtnDudeSF and Zakariahzol, you both have valid points. I can see how experiences in playing sports with other boys and being in the military can give you confidence and make you tough.

For me, giving gay kids the idea that playing sports and being in the military make you more of a man sends the wrong message. I love sports but as a kid, I hated it, because it reminded me of my father and his message of playing sports makes you a man. I guess it was my way of rebelling against my dad.

There are male kids gay and straight that are not good at playing sports. It just may not be their thing. That doesn't mean they'll be less of a man than others guys out there.

Again, I see your points, but it is a dangerous thing to suggest that playing sports and being in the military make you a man. As with any kind of group activity; sports, clubs, community service events, the military, job related activites, they all teach us great things. Teamwork, fairness, competitiveness, social skills, feeling included, sportsmanship etc. To me, all of those traits is what makes a good man.

For me, this is what makes growing up gay such a hard experience sometimes. It may also be the reason many of the gay guys that don't like fems or the ones that identify with being "straight acting" feel the way they do. They have it in their heads that being tough is being a man. I see comments like this all of the time...on this very site.

For me, a real man is responsible, caring, secure, kind, good communicator, loving, honest, open minded, fun, sexual, confident not afraid to cry and very aware of who he is.

I appreciate the men(and women)of the military and athletes, for that matter. They are strong, diciplined, talented and focussed. All I am saying is that there is more than one way to define a man.