I’d only left three days to plan my Halloween costume this year. So on a whim I decided Matt could be a pirate—a costume we basically had—and I could be a parrot. In my mind I was going to be a beautiful parrot, red like a scarlet macaw. I hunted on Pinterest for easy ways to transform myself into the spectacular bird.

Then I placed an order on amazon for red, orange, yellow and aqua boas (these would be my wings and feathers); a red bird mask and beak (the don’t sell parrot beaks); a rainbow-colored feather wig and a red unitard. I had my doubts about the unitard as any sane person should, but I figured I could pull it off with everything else for one night.

All the costume parts arrived the day of the party with little time for adjustments. I attempted to get myself into the unitard, and I can’t quite express how bad it was. It was tight, shiny and somehow didn’t fit anywhere. Important parts couldn’t fit in it, my back didn’t even make […]