Firstlee make thee way to thee local beer retail establushmint before thee store opens so ye may be thee first in line with yeer bag of empty cans of which thou mayst redeem for coinage .Use said coinage and extra dublooms to purchase eight cans of thee strongest beer on sale .Spend thee next two hours drinking thee eight cans of beer whilst telling tall tales to yeer drinking buddys that were in thee queue with thee earlier .After consuming thee eight cans , take yeer emptys along side the other emptys yeer drinking buddys threw into yeer bag back to thee beer selling estabLUSHment for more beer .Quaff away yeer latest round of beer whilst spewing forth even more owtrageous boy cow manure .Take yeer bag of new emptys and scour thee plaza and back alleyways for more emptys whilst picking up nice sized cigarette butts to smoke as ye go .Panhandle enough change for a final beer before staggering to thee bank machine to remove thee remnants of yeer disability cheque to purchase thee cheapest ingreedyents in order to prepare a spagetty dinner fer yer shipmates who have wondering where thee phuck ye dissaperd to .After purchasing cans of acidic tomato sauce , onions , pasta ,chicken breasts ,and peppers , return to beer store (happy with thee knowledge that ye saved money by not purchasing expensive ground beef ) for eight more cans of beer .Stagger back to thee ship after six hours to prepare dinner thusly ...

...in an eight quart pot dump in the cans of pasta sauce diced onion and peppers raw into the pot making certain the pot almost overflows .Cut the chicken breasts into bits and toss it raw into the pot .Drink two cans of beer whilst telling yer shipmates ye attended George Brown Culinary school ignoring thee incredulous looks from yer shipmates .Ignore thee comments and advice from captain and crew on how to prepare yer dish.Finish beer and crack open a new one.Insist that it takes at least three hours to prepare yer dish.Finish beer and crack open another.Finish beer and crack open another.Take an inadequate sized 4 quart pot for two pounds of pasta .Place the two packages of pasta into the wee pot .Add cold water .Open yet another beer and down it .Add more water to the pot .Open another beer .Add more water to the pot .Drink another beer .Add more water to the pot.Drink another beer .Add more water to the pot .Claim it takes five hours to prepare pasta .Drink another beer .Ignore the two shipmates that are ordering pizza .Drink another beer .Ignore the Captain as he finishes preparing and consuming his own palatable dinner in under half an hour .Add more water to the pot .Drink third last beer .Go to your hammock for a little snooze .Wake up to pee .Wash away the ink on yer face and ponder the nail polish on yer toenails .Turn the heat off the pot of pasta ignoring thee congealed mass at thee bottom of thee pot , as well as thee semi- cooked mass about mid pot and the raw strands at the top.Drink second last beer whilst wondering why after six hours of cooking noone wishes to sample yer offering .Finish last beer.Claim to yer shipmates that ye be a fine cook , trained as a sou chef , had a threesome with Heather Locklear , that yer affair with Pamela Anderson ended yer marriage , that ye be a good father that sees yer kids at least once every few years , that George Lucas' eldest daughter Victoria was a flight attendant who was at your birthday party in 1990 , and that Sass Jordan of whom you dated back in the day could barely speak English but you taught her well whilst being insistant her given name is Cassandra despite yer Captain calling boy cow poopoo to all yer claims .Prepare to go to yon beer store with enough emptys to buy as much beer as possible leaving thee horrid mess ye call a meal for the captain to put away in disgust of thee complete and utter waste.Return to ship with beers happy that ye made into thee store ten minutes before closing time .Drink what beer ye have .Pass out for another hour or so .Wake up and go pee .Wash the latest artwork off your face and try to guess who tied yer shoelaces together and ducktaped smelly socks to yer hands.Realize you are sobering up and go to fridge in order to drink yer shipmates last beer .Go to sleep for a few hours and wake up famished after not eating for two days .Eat as little of the mess ye created because it is so awful , offer it to your shipmates thinking that this time someone might eat something you made .Go back to sleep craving alcohol , get up multiple times in the night to pee long and loud because you don't know how to close the door to the loo and continue to not wash yer hands afterwards.Wait for the beer store to open so to be thee first to queue up .

Drink eight to twelve cans of beer or shots of vodka ( if ye wish to hide yer drunkeness frum yer captain believing the lack of odour from the spirit will fool him or her ).

Place two cup of penne into whatever pot ye can find .Add cold water.Toss in all of your captains garlic powder.Boil away.Have a beer or a double of vodka .When most of the water steams away add can of tuna .Have a beer or whatever alcohol is about .Add package of instant oatmeal .Turn off heat .Add a package of instant oatmeal with apple and cinnamon .Try some , offer some to yer captain and shipmates.Continue claiming that ye be a fine cook and such bollocks .Tell yer captain and shipmates that you are going to your room to eat as usual wondering why yer captain perfers the dining room table .Leave the horrid mess to cool whilst drinking more alcohol .Sneak out of your room to flush your creation down the loo.Place the remainder of your creation in the fridge under the delusion that you or your shipmates will actually eat the stuff when hungry .Go pass out for a few hours .Wake up to change your pants after soiling them yet again , clean up the fecal matter later the next day after your shipmates complain of the smell coming from somewhere near your bunk .Collect empty beer cans , wine bottles , or booze bottles for monetary redemption .Throw that horrid mess you called dinner in the garbage whilst claiming to youe shipmates that chefs aways create new dishes and you are as such an artiste .Ignore the laughter yet again .Be forever prideful and refuse to change one iota .