Friday, September 25, 2015

Presidential
candidate and conservative carnival barker Mike Huckabee recently tried to cash
in on the controversy over homophobic county
clerk Kim Davis by hosting an Evangelical tent revival upon her release from the
local lockup.

Huckabee’s
absurd spectacle was attended by a rapturous crowd of good ol’
discriminate-against-thy-neighbor crackers waving crosses, bibles, and that
most beloved symbol of inbred southern insularity, the Confederate flag.

The
confrontational collection of locked-and-loaded cretins calling themselves the
Oath Keepers have sworn to prevent her from being arrested again if Davis
doesn’t feel like following the laws she swore an oath to uphold.

In a
clever ploy calculated to appeal to his devoted constituents and ensure his
domination of the election news, Huckabee himself offered to take her place
behind bars.

It’s
unclear what part this fantasy may have played in the celebration that followed;
however his staff still refuses to comment on the rumor that a hung-over
Huckabee awoke the next day beside a half-eaten bag of rainbow Doritos.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Those who tuned in to Fox News for the first Republican
Presidential Debate were treated to the center stage spectacle of an insult
comic campaigning for CEO of USA Inc. The obnoxious billionaire started off by threatening
to run as a third party candidate, basically blackmailing his party into
nominating him.

The arrogant game show host didn’t offer any
policies or positions, but did take the time to tell viewers what he doesn’t
have time for, pompously reminded everyone he was rich enough to purchase
political favors, and continued his puerile attempt to promote himself by
putting everyone else down.

Despite declaring himself the winner, the
former beauty pageant sponsor still felt that Megyn Kelly had treated him
unfairly by bringing up his history of demeaning women. On CNN the next day he
called her a bimbo.

It’s no surprise that this thin-skinned
celebrity is leading the polls. There are plenty of people who see in the Prima
Donald their own dumbed-down version of the American dream: having a bank
account big enough to buy whatever they want, yet still getting to behave like
the same boorish slob they were when they were barely scraping by on a small
weekly paycheck.