Owning a high-performance sports car in central London totally worth it

Being the owner of an obscenely expensive performance car which you can normally only drive at 10 miles per hour may seem like a waste of money, but is it?

We spoke to 20-year old Lamborghini owner Freddie, and his dad William, who owns a Ferrari and is currently enjoying a mid-life crisis. “Being able to drive a very short distance at a dangerously high speed is the highlight of my day”, says Freddie. “The guy in the showroom told me to forget about tooling around the foothills of the Italian Alps with the sun glinting off the bonnet, because that’s just a load of marketing bollocks. He was right. Throttling up a V10 engine that’s capable of doing 0-60 in three and a half seconds is so much better in drizzle.”

Dad William agrees. “I wouldn’t have got my hot young French girlfriend if it wasn’t for the Ferrari. I can dawdle around the streets of Knightsbridge in a car that’s 3 feet tall and 7 feet wide, looking like a cool dude, despite having a bald head and this massive paunch. The chicks love it. Straight outta Brompton, that’s me.”

“The noise is deafening when the sodding things are revving up”, a pissed off Chelsea resident told us. “I look out of the window and can see them zooming off in a cloud of dust, until the next set of lights, where they have to stand on the brakes to stop in time. Sloane Street is like a drag racing strip, if drag racing involved covering 50 yards in 4 seconds with the added jeopardy of colliding with a Deliveroo bike.”

Freddie looks on as the wheel clampers immobilise his Lambo. “I probably shouldn’t have parked it in the doorway of Harrods. I’ll have to get the bus home now.”