I don’t think people get just how badly anxiety can effect you. For instance I can come across as unfriendly, anti-social or shy because my anxiety effects my speech. Similarly when I try too hard I can come across as annoying, overly sarcastic and a bit of a bitch.

There isn’t a middle ground for me because I suck so bad at communicating with other humans.

I’ve been told that no matter how comfortable you are being alone the majority of your life there will at least be one moment where you wish that you could fit in, you did fit in or you wanted to fit in.

As one of those annoying people who do and don’t everything (I do want friends, but I don’t want friends, I do want to go out with people and I don’t want to leave my house, I do want to talk to someone but I’d rather poke my eyes out then do so….) I can agree with that but I also know I’m unusual in general.

So the question becomes is it actually important to “fit in” and what does that even mean?!

If I was stranded in a random foreign city with no friends and no money there isn’t hell of a lot I could do really?

Its a strange question, why am I stranded in the first place? Will things get better for no real reason after this one day?

I guess you’d have to find a police station and tell them that you are a foreigner with no money and not sure why you were there? Possibly ask to use a phone and find a way back home.

Now if my friend had dropped me off in a city on holiday and I’d done something stupid like leave my bag in their car and they weren’t meeting me till later on, first of all I’d find some way to be able to tell the time. There is no point walking around too far if you don’t have some way to tell the time. After that it’ll be as easy as finding museums and churches, historic locations or just beauty spots. You don’t have money so you can’t go anywhere really so it’ll just be hanging about.

Problem is I would never just randomly go somewhere with no money as its a necessity so its hard to imagine a reason why I’d end up stranded somewhere with no money at all!

Tell us how your week went by putting together a playlist of five songs that represent it.

Five songs? So five songs to represent from last Thursday to this Thursday?

Theory of a Deadman –I Hate My Life

Whilst most of the things that Theory of a Deadman point to for why they hate their lives don’t have anything to do with me the general feel of the song is very much how I feel. Not only that but its such a upbeat sounding song which really fits me. I’m miserable, I hate life yet for some reason I always put a brave face on and make others think I’m happy. “I hate my job, all of my rich friends, I hate everyone to the bitter end. Nothing turns out right. There’s no end in sight. I hate my life!” Truer words have yet to be mumbled.

Limp Bizkit – Break Stuff

Just the perfect song to describe my feelings when my “best friend” let me down and also the general feeling when I started to get wound the hell up by the Portugese work experience kids we had. “It’s just one of those days, When you don’t wanna wake up, Everything is fucked up, Everybody sucks, You don’t really know why, But you want justify, Rippin’ someone’s head off.” That describe most of my days actually….

Andrew W.K – We Want Fun

It kinda has to be mine and Fiona’s soundtrack whenever we get together. Even if its just for a evening watching wrestling we end up being loud, laugh a lot and take loads of pictures whilst just looking to enjoy ourselves. Actually I think of her every time I listen to this song.

The All American Rejects –It Ends Tonight

I dunno this is just one song that always seems to be able to explain my mood when I’m having one of the strange days. Its kinda upbeat too, again its weird how depressing I can be and how much I can want to be dead yet manage to keep a smile… “Now I’m on my own side…” That was kind of a important part of the last week, I’ve started to really do things for myself more then other people even if it means losing friends.

Ed Sheeran –Photograph

I’ve recently been asked why I take so many photos when I do things and I think the song pretty much says it for me. Its just kind of taking something with you so that when life gets hard you have something to look at and remember that life isn’t always hard. I mean it doesn’t SAY that but that is kind of the message coming over (he’s talking about love I’m just talking about happiness in general.) Every time I go to a wrestling event I have to go through all my wrestling photos deleting ones that I don’t want. I think the ones I took over the weekend will stay on my phone for just about forever as it was a wonderful night.

Special mention goes to Teo – Cheesecake. Because who doesn’t need that song (and cheesecake if you like that kind of thing) in their life? “I lost my train of thought when you called me your sweet cheesecake” man that was a great song! Also My Chemical Romance –I’m Not Okay which is possibly their only song I’ll admit to loving and which sums up life in general for everyone I think. Plus its fun to dance too and sing along too!

Weezer –All my friends are Insects for completely the wrong reasons and that has nothing to do with the song or lyrics. Though it does say “I have a friend and she is a butterfly” so I guess that could be Fiona… As one of my friends acted a bit like a insect (though that would be a terrible insult to insects everywhere) she was pretty awesome.

Rammstein–Pussy as well just because. I mean who can’t hear this song and scream along to it? That has nothing to do with my week whatsoever but whilst shuffling through my music it came up and I couldn’t not mention it. This band IS the soundtrack of my life.

I used to kind of do this in my weekly blogs and doing it again now makes me kind of miss it. I might bring it back.

Who’s the most important person in your life – and how would your day-to-day existence be different without them?

I don’t like people.

I don’t even like myself so I’m not sure how I’d decide on someone being the most important person in my life.

There is my family but I don’t think you can count them because… Well… They are family. Out of my family though it would only be my niece, mum and baby sister.

Friends? Well I have the guys on this blog and Fiona plus a bunch of guys I used to know real well because we were all F1 fans but I wouldn’t really say they were important enough to mark them out above everyone else or each other.

Hell I’d love to be big headed enough to say I am the most important person in my life but sometimes I wish I’d piss the hell off and leave me to enjoy life.

Thing is I always tend to be let down by people a lot. I got close to someone once and they stole money from me, tried to get close to someone recently and they just lied to me and spent most of the time being dramatic about the smallest of things. Another guy that I tried to befriend ended up telling me I should kill myself and not fight my depression and yet another one hates my guts because I dare not to find him attractive and want to sleep with him. When I left school none of my “friends” tried to keep in touch with me…

I guess I’m just super annoying.

The people who have kept in touch with me in my life don’t have to see me very often so have no need to want me dead.

You know what… This blog was meant to talk about the most important person in my life and all it has made me realise is that I must be the most unlikeable person in the world. Like honestly I can’t keep any kind of relationship at all. The more people let me down the more nervous I get talking to people and the more I try to keep things at arms length and then get depressed about it all at the same time.

Its why I hate people.

IF all these very unimportant people (or in other words everyone) pissed off and left my life would be easier I guess. I might grow to love myself because I wouldn’t feel inadequate because just about everyone and everything has more worth then myself. But as all the population of Earth ain’t going away any time soon I don’t think I can really test that theory!

Funny you ask because Anna told the world the other day. The first thing I wake up and think about is going to the loo. Though this morning, which was actually 2am, it was more like what the hell is my phone doing going off on a Sunday? What time is it? I need a pee.

My phone was going off as Anna was having a complete emotional break down and needed me to tell her she was a idiot.

The time, as I said was 2am.

And I answered the phone whilst going to the loo to do a pee.

I did proceed to do a pee whilst on the phone to her. She didn’t mind. She was too busy crying.