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I’ve been reading your blog and quite enjoying it. You’ve got a great sense of humor and you seem to be a smart lady.

But I have to ask, are you really saying to women who have polygamous husbands that they can go out and get second husbands too?

So who will look after the children if their mothers go courting while the husband is tending his other family? And have your thought about the STD:s? How will the husband and his other wives be safe if his first wife has sex outside marriage? Or even if she “marries” another man as you suggest?

And what if her husband falls ill or something, should the first wife then be excused from visiting him in hospital because she is taking care of her other husband?

And who will make the decisions when there are two husbands? Can’t you see that this would lead to chaos.

And I’m sorry if I’m blunt Fiona (but you don’t seem to shy away from candid language) but I don’t think men would be a ble to share their wives intimately. I think men would find it gross and unbarable to know that their woman had been intimate with another man. They would never allow it. Most men don’t want a woman who’s ever been with another man. Having a wife who alternates between me and another man – no way! I would feel like she’s dirty and full of his touch. And I would picture the two of them – no way could I live with that.

You see, sex is more important to us and we think about it differently (and more! 🙂 )so it would never work.

And if she has babies, who will be the father?

I don’t think women could ever be polygamous. No way.

I enjoy your blog though!

Answer: Hi Isaak, thanks for your kind words about my blog.

Your first question is about the children. Children are always the equal responsibility of their parents. In polygyny, who will look after the children when the husband scuttles off to his second or fourth wife? 😦 If the woman has a second husband, there will still be a man and a male role model around the house even if the real father is off shagging somebody else. My suggestion is that the father and mother take turns with the children.

I have thought about STD:s believe me! I have a husband who married a teenage hussy su yes, it’s crossed my mind. In polygamy, any kind of polygamy, I believe all concerned should have regular check ups, and share the results with each other. I also would like to remind you that men get STD:s just as much as women so muslim men in polygyny ought to have a check up every month or so and share the results with their wives.

In real polygamy, the polygamous wife is just as married as the polygamous husband!

If a spouse falls ill, I hope the other spouse will help and visit – this surely is not a question of gender?

In polygamous marriage, just like in monogamous marriage, I think decisions must be based on consensus. No biggie! Muslim men, and men overall, just have to learn to view and treat their wives as equal parties in Family Inc.

Here’s a surprise for you: Women in polygamy have exactly the same feelings about sex as you do! We find it gross and utterly disgusting that our husbands are being intimate with other women. We feel exactly the same way, and our imaginations show us exactly the same excruciating pictures!!!! Please read and understand this. To all men out there considering polygyny or living polygyny: This part of sharing your spouse is just as painful to women as it would be to you!!! Imagine it!! Picture it!!! Read my post “Love for your brother…” and try to understand. A polygamous husband is disgusting to all his wives because they know that he comes home carrying the touch, bacteria and acari of other women to his bed. He is contaminated by perpetual disgusting bacteria. He is disgusting because he is like having to share your home bathroom and toilet with other women who crap there without cleaning it after themselves. No quick shower would make a toilet a vessel another woman would like to drink out of!

There is only one verse in the quran that tells men that they are allowed to marry more than one wife. In this verse we find that there are two conditions attached to this permission:

And if ye fear that ye will not deal fairly by the orphans, marry of the women, who seem good to you, two or three or four;If you fear lest you become unfair, then you shall be content with only one.

There is no doubt about it: the quran only allows polygamy if men are in a situation where they can not deal justly with orphans (condition nr 1) and if they have NO FEAR that they might at any time deal with their wives unjustly should they marry more than one.

This means that all islamic nations, all muslims, who claim that there is a general permission for men to marry more than one wife are liars. Blatant liars. Disgusting liars. They are also the cause of extreme pain and suffering to innumerable amounts of women and children in the world. And all muslim women who live with and condone polygamous men who do not meet both these conditions are sinners.

There are muslim scholars out there who are able to read. It’s a shame their voices are muted by the hoards of muslims who can’t read the quran, or who buy the common misogynist interpretation.

Question: Hello Fiona and thank you for this blog and all your story and sharing.

I am needing advice. My husband started talking a little of polygamy last year more in a general way how I felt and what I thought. I didn’t think much about it I said it must be up to each to decide how best live your life. This year he started saying maybe polygamy was for him how would I feel about that. I was startled and it made me feel very bad to think about having another woman share my husband especially the intimacy part as you can maybe understand. I also feel very bad about the children and any children he could have with another woman. But I am not against polygamy I think it can work good if all agree and live close maybe same area so children can see their parents every day.

What I want to talk about is that I have been thinking now for many moths and my husband is pressing me for an answer. And I have met a man I am interested in. He is a wonderful man whose wife died and I met him at the playground he was there with his daughter and we got to know each other and we have fallen in love. He says he is willing to share me and be polygamous. So I am thinking if I should tell my husband I am willing to say yes to polygamy but only if his second wife lives in our street and only if he agrees that I am allowed to have a second husband too. I love this man very much, if I hadn’t had very strong morals I would have wanted to have an affair woth him but I don’t want that. He i s christian but not very believing. I could have two happy marriages and my children would always have a man around the house. Where I live there are many mormons with polygamy so I don’t think anybody would find us strange.

Do you think it’s a good idea?

And what do you think would be a good way to bring this up with my husband? How can I tell him this in a way not to hurt him and make him say yes?

I would be very happy to have help

I love your blog Fiona.

Answer:

I believe it might be a good idea, if you and the new man are very committed to each other and to living polygamy. If you are, the only way to tell your husband is straight. It’s an all or nothing situation.

Just tell him: If you want it, I want it too. Take it or leave it! We can both of us be polygamous, or none of us.

This is the litmus test of a real man. Is he secure, loving and respects you, or is he insecure, selfish and considers himself your superior!

As you say, this would also be a way to make polygamy work for the children.

I have met and heard from so many wives who are desperately miserable because their husbands are having a baby with his other wife. Other wives have contacted me because they are miserable since they have just had babies or are expecting babies with their polygamous husbands. Both ways, the wives are the losers. Not to mention the children.

Situation 1: The other wife is having a baby

Your husband is having a baby with his other wife. They are sharing the joy and expectancy – you are left out. They are waiting for the result of their love and love making to come and permanent the bond between them. They are sharing the most amazing experience in the world. They are, not you. He wants to talk about having children all the time, you definitely don’t. He hates it that you sulk instead. He is constantly on the phone with his second wife, checking that she’s ok, wondering if there’s anything she needs. She calls and texts him constantly. Suddenly she is having the baby – on your night. When the call comes your husband up and leaves. You’re alone, knowing that he is becoming a father to another woman’s baby. He sends you pictures of the baby from the hospital. He texts you about how beautiful the baby is, about how happy he is, about how amazing it all is. He writes that he hopes that one day you will get to experience this too.

Life changes. When he’s with you he keeps talking about his child, he wants you to admire the pictures. He gets texts all the time, smiles and leaves the room. Sometimes he comes home to you on nights that are hers. You are happy, put on your best lingerie and he makes love to you, then he tells you he came over because he wants to sleep and sleep is difficult with a baby around. The next day he calls you and says he must make the night up to #2 so he will be away a couple of days because he wants to take his little family away on holiday. You realize, you will never again be anything but a matter of convenience.

Situation 2: You are having a baby

You’re having a baby. You call your husband when you get the result because he is with his other wife. You are so happy. You call him a couple of times more because you are so happy and need to talk about it – he tells you that his other wife is getting angry because of the calls so he asks you not to call. When you go to parents’ class, you have to go alone. All other women there bring their husbands, you’re alone. When they ask why you lie and say he’s abroad. You can’t tell them he’s polygamous. The first time you can feel the baby moving, you’re alone. You send a text to your husband. When you spend day after day vomiting, you’re alone because he’s off making love to his other wife. You go shopping for things for the baby alone. One day he takes you to the mall and buys a crib, a pram and a lot of other things You spend a wonderful day together. Then he tells you that he must spend an equal amount of money on his other wife so he’s taking her on a short holiday. But you can text his brother if you need anything while he’s away shagging his other wife.

The night you’re having the baby, he’s with his other wife. You call him and he says that when it gets real, he’ll be there. You call him from the hospital and he says he’s coming. It’s a two hour drive normally but because of roadwork it takes him three hours to get there. You have to go through most of the delivery alone. You have lied to the ob about your husband having to take care of his sick mother. You have to suffer the pain and fear alone. When your baby is born, your husband takes pictures of the baby and sends them to his other wife. He tells you he’s been talking about names with his other wife and they have some suggestions. After a couple of days, he leaves to go to his other wife. You are alone when your baby has stomach cramps, you carry the baby around hour after hour in your arms, making soothing noises, still suffering from extreme pains after the delivery and sleep deprivation because you haven’t been able to sleep during the last weeks of your pregnancy. You can’t take turns because your husband is with his other wife. The slim one, with no baby to keep him up at night. When your baby has his first fever, your husband is with his other wife. You text him and take a taxi to the hospital. It turns out to be colics. Your baby cries night after night, you walk and soothe. Your husband says he can’t stand not being allowed to sleep, so he spends extra time with his other wife. When you call him to talk about how alone and tired you are he says you can’t call so often and you can hear the shower running in the background and you understand he has just been making love to his other wife. He says he’ll call you in the morning. You realize, you will never again be anything but a matter of convenience.

And the child. The suffering of the child, wanting a father, longing for a father, has only begun.

She had copied and pasted from letters and messages Mark has sent her and spiced them up with her own comments on how much he loves her, wants her, covets her, and added photos of him asleep and naked, of them together kissing, and screenshots from some of their cyber rendezvous.

There’s your innocent, lovely, modest girl!

The sad thing is, I let it get to me. Yes, I admit it hurt like hell.

I recognize the words, the same kind of nicknames, silly endearments he uses with me. It hurts to know he uses the same phrases, the same words of love to her. And the images burn into my brain.

Men can talk all they want about their rights to polygamy, selfishness is part of human nature, but it’s women who are the enablers. Men would not be able to force women into polygamy if other women didn’t enable it by marrying married men.

I’m not talking about women who are deceived by liars, women who marry men without knowing that they already ahve a wife, maybe children too.

I’m talking about women who marry men even if they know that the first wife hasn’t even been told because the husband knows she will be devastated. Or women who marry a man even if they know the first wife is begging her husband not to do it, is crying and screaming with the pain, suffering immensely, maybe also trying to protect children who are suffering too. These women are the scum of the earth, walking cancers to the body of society.

In islam, these women are doing the morally recommended thing. Islam teaches that it is a good thing that will be rewarded to become a second wife, sharing a husband. The reason of course is to make sure men can persuade women to become second wives. And in islam of course, men aren’t obliged to ask their wife’s permission to marry again, or even to tell her about it.

This gives second wives some kind of moral high ground. They can shatter a family, destroy the lives of other women and children, and claim that this is the right thing to do – all in the interest of men and their base desires.

This is what it can sound like. There is a muslim woman who chose to become a second wife to a man who first didn’t tell his first wife that he planned to marry again, and then simply said she must submit to his will and live forced polygyny. The first wife is suffering extreme pain and living a life of excruciating agony as a result. The second wife is off on holiday with her “husband” and she writes to complain about the first wife being angry about nasty texts the whore has sent her out of spite. She complains that the first wife is crazy since she can’t be happy her husband is off on vacation fucking his new wife-whore.

This woman has stolen the husband of another woman, willingly destroyed another woman’s life, taken half the rest of her life away – killed it if you will. The hoe says she can’t understand why the wife doesn’t like it that she’s off fucking her husband on a holiday.

You purposely “marry” another woman’s husband and destroy her life – and are surprised and sad that she would destroy your holiday by forwarding nasty texts of yours to her husband? What kind of person are you? Can anybody really be that stupid, or are you just evil? You don’t understand what she’s angry about? Ahum, let’s se – maybe she minded that you destroyed her life? Maybe she didn’t appreciate that you helped her husband lie to her, cheat on her, and force her into polygyny? Maybe she isn’t grateful to you for fucking her husband while she is lying alone night after night crying and screaming because of the pain you have caused her? Did you ever think her attitude towards you could have been influenced by any of that?

This hussy claims she’s not bothered by the real wife’s pain. Well, of course not. If you had any kind of morals, any kind of backbone, any kind of heart or soul, you would not have committed the heinous crime against humanity that you did. Aiding and abetting a man in destroying the life of his wife, forcing her to live a life of perpetual physical and mental rape, is despicable and horrid. But you obviously have no shame, no heart, no soul. All you have is base selfishness, greed and lust.

It’s interesting to be given this glimpse of a second wife’s black soul. Her utter disregard for her fellow woman, her selfishness, her lack of emotional and intellectual intelligence explains to us in part how women can become second wives.

It also clearly shows why such whores are, and must be, despised and shunned by society.

I called him. He was having difficulties talking, I could hear his voice almost breaking into sobs even as he answered the phone. I was really worried and asked what had happened. He said he didn’t know. He was just so low.

Ok. Reality had set in. He’s back from Oman and he knows things over there won’t change in the near future. I’m with Graham, and we’re back on our three day schedule. Loneliness got to him.

He said as much when I ran over to see how he was. He felt lonely, miserable and jealous. He had been picturing me and Graham, thinking about everything he has lost. He screamed at me that I was still trying to get back at him for marrying #2, that I was happy just to torment him. I sat there in the kitchen, letting him rave and get it all out of his system. I know the pain. I know he needs to vent, needs to know I see his suffering.

I held him, comforted him. I told him I understand. He just needs to readjust, try to find the polygamy routine again and not let it get to him. I know it’s difficult. I told him to remember, the fact that I have to leave him, that I love somebody else, have responsibilities in another relationship, doesn’t mean I love him less.

I reminded him he’s free to leave should he wish. It made him angry.

When I came home again, Graham said he would understand if I spent the night with Mark. He said he could understand what he must be going through reentering orbit. I said no. This need to work according to what we have agreed on or not at all. I can’t allow us to play mind games, power games with each other. Graham must know his time is his, Mark must be able to trust that his time is his. There’s no other way.

If I had been a muslim man, forcing this lifestyle on my first wife – the guilt would kill me.

While polygamy is frequently seen as benefiting the wife to the detriment of the husbands, the reality is that it’s far more difficult for the wife. She has to not only fulfil the rights of both husbands and support both families financially and emotionally, she has to juggle her time between them, settle any disputes and difficulties that arise, and all the while ensure that she’s being just and fair. For women that take Islam seriously, polygamy is a huge and weighty responsibility and it’s an arduous task to get it right. Meanwhile, each husband has no more responsibility than a monogamously married husband, and in some cases they can end up with a lot less responsibility than monogamous husbands, as they share the running of the household and help each other seeing to the needs of their wife.

Sharing love

One of the biggest fears men have of polygamy comes from a misunderstanding about the nature of love. Love is seen as something finite which has to be shared between people, so if a woman takes a second husband, it’s assumed that she must love her first husband less because of it. The truth is that love is infinite and does not need to be shared between people. Just as when a father has a second child he still loves his first child as much as ever, when a woman takes a second husband she still loves her first husband just as much. Good Muslim women who choose polygamy do so because they truly want to love and care for two or more men. If she really didn’t love the first, divorcing him then remarrying is a much easier option for her both financially and emotionally than having two husbands.

Sharing time

What you share in polygamy is your wife’s time. Nothing else. (Let’s keep this on a platonic level shall we!) Whether spending less time with your wife is a good thing or a bad thing depends on your outlook. Of course it’s natural to want to spend plenty of time with people you love, but we also need time for ourselves. On the days when she’s with her other husband, there is no benefit in sitting around missing her. Instead, treat it as a time for you, and a chance to enjoy things that married men find it hard to make time for. On your nights with her, you have a wife to share your bed with; on the other nights you get the whole bed to yourself and can snuggle up with a good book or a football match on TV and have some “me time”. Plan your evenings when you’re not with her to do things that you enjoy around the house, so you look forward to your evenings without her as much as your evenings with her.

Co-husband rivalry

Try not to see your co-husband as a rival. Instead, try to focus on strengthening your relationship with your wife. If you don’t feel secure in your relationship, then it’s only natural that you’d see the other husband as a threat. If you are sure of your relationship with your wife, then ask yourself why you feel threatened, and remind yourself of what you have. If your wife is going to love you and stand by you no matter what, then what can he take from you?

A useful piece of advice I heard from a sister is “the insecurity of the first husband is that the second husband is his replacement and she doesn’t love him any more. The insecurity of the second husband is that the first husband is her first love and she’ll never love him as much as she loves her first.” This reminds us that the other husband has his own doubts, and to see clearly what we have instead. Look at why your wife loves you and try not to dwell on what she may or may not feel about him.

No love triangles in Islam

Focus on your relationship with your wife as a single entity, disconnected from her other marriage. Islamic polygamy is not a triangular relationship; her marriage with you and her marriage with your co-husband are two separate relationships. You are not obliged to have anything to do with your co-husband, but if the two of you choose to be friends, then that’s a third and discrete relationship. This means when you’re with her, the two of you need to act like the other husband doesn’t exist. Enjoy your time with your wife and do all the same things a monogamous couple would do together. If you are friends with your co-husband, don’t discuss your wife when you’re together, and spend time with him when she’s not around.

Tackling jealousy

Jealousy is best tackled by focusing on what you have. “Jealousy is when you count someone else’s blessings instead of your own,”. If you feel jealous about anything, ask yourself if it’s over something that you really want, or whether you desire it simply because your co-husband has it. If it’s the latter, then try to forget about it and remind yourself that you don’t actually want it. If it’s something you really want, then focus on how you can get it for yourself because you would like it, not because he has it.

If it’s the relationship you’re jealous of, concentrate on building your own relationship with your wife as though he’s not in the picture. If you feel that she loves him more than you, then maybe she isn’t giving you enough attention or affection, and frame this as a problem in your own relationship that you need to talk to her about and resolve, rather than as a problem with your co-husband.

These things won’t eliminate jealousy altogether, but they should minimise it.

When things go wrong

If your wife is not dividing up her time fairly, or not fulfilling your rights in Islam then she is the guilty party so don’t blame your co-husband for this. This applies whether it’s something minor or very serious. Speak to her about the problem and tell her how you feel. If she’s a good wife, she’ll do something to rectify the situation. If she doesn’t and you’re having significant problems in your marriage because of it, then you need to go about dealing with it in the same way you would if you were monogamously married.

Marriages fail either because one partner is not fulfilling the rights of the other (or worse, abusing the other), or because the two partners are not compatible. This is the same in monogamy and polygamy. Relationships fail sometimes in spite of one or both partners putting in their best efforts.

Sometimes women try to fix a failing monogamous marriage by taking a second husband – in my opinion this is like trying to put out a fire in the living room by starting another fire in the kitchen. Other women want all the benefits of polygamy but refuse to accept any of the responsibility and end up treating their husbands very badly. An important thing to remember is not to blame polygamy itself for the marriage failure. The failure is due to incompatibility, or one partner systematically failing to fulfil their responsibilities to the other.

Polygamy, when done according to the Qur’an and Sunnah can work and indeed be beneficial to the husbands, and it’s my opinion that it doesn’t need to be feared. We should fear Allah swt, and be good spouses to each other. We should remember to show our wife our appreciation of her and all that she does for us, and she needs to do the same for us. This is the key to a happy marriage, whether polygamous or monogamous. Insha Allah, by following the advice above, this happiness can be maintained in a polygamous marriage, despite the specific challenges this type of relationship may bring.

Thank you for allowing men too on your website. I have looked many times for blogs for men but I haven’t found any welcoming places where all views are welcome.

I want to ask a question and I know many of you will be angry with me and it is allright I can understand but I still need advice.

I married a second wife a little over a year ago. My first wife was very upset and sad but she accepted it finally because I explained how important it was to me to have a large family and I promised I would never love her less. I don’t love her less, I love her more. But the reality is that two families takes a lot of time. I have not been able to keep all my promises to my first wife. I promised I would never take time from her half and give to second but I have had to do that many times because I little daughter has a hear condition and is often ill and in hospital and our son is too young to be alone. My children by my first wife are all healthy. So I have been spending a lot more time with my second wife and family. Now my first wife has stopped complaining about it and that makes me nervous. I am afraid she will stop loving me because I can not give her her time and maybe she believes I love my second wife more. The truth is that all the time I have to spend with my second family makes me love and miss my first wife more. My first wife is definitely my favorite and I am very afraid of losing her.

All you women with experience of us men and our shortcomings, how can I compensate my wife? How can I make her feel better and how can I pay her back for her patience? What would be a woman’s secret wish? I would do anything except leave my second family because I love them very much and my children need me.

Thank you very much, Peace

Answer:

Dear OP,

Why not ask her? There’s usually nothing a wife appreciates more than honesty from her husband. Tell her what you have said here. That you know you have let her down, that you know that you haven’t been able to be fair, that you love her very much. That she is your favourite. Ask her if there is anything you can do.

To be perfectly frank with you, you must be prepared for an unwelcome answer. She might say that the only thing you can give her that she really wants is a divorce. Should that be the case, you must give it to her. You can’t force a woman to live with a polygamous husband unless it’s her free choice.

Maybe that’s the best thing you can give her. Her freedom. Might be the best thing for the sick child too. Why should her mother be alone with all that responsibility while you are off making love to your first wife, trying to compensate her for spending too much time with your sick child?