Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Yesterday, my housemate, sister and I went for a jogging in the park near by our apartment. It is a wonderful park, filled with kids, couple, and also family. The main reason that we went to that jogging because my housemate want to release stress in her working place and so as her personal stuff that bother her a lot. So we have a wonderful time together although we run our own way. In Christian journey, we do have our own way to run for God. Ways are different but the joy of serving God together is always there. When I fall down, someone will be there to pick me up. When she lost her strength, I’ll give her courage to continue to seek God.

As I was jogging alone in that park, I start to think and ask myself. Why am I doing here since I hate to jog, it’s tiring me and I’ll get body ache the next day after this. But there is only one reason that keeps me on running that is for the kingdom of God. I jog and hope that I can be healthy and slim to do what God has His purpose in me. At the first place, people will look at me like I am some kind of the weirdo, later on I don’t care what people said, don’t care how people look at me but I continue to run to achieve my dreams. It goes the same if we apply to our daily life. If we care what people think and how they look at us, we will never be success because there are a millions of people around us with different opinions. How are we going to satisfied each of them?

I kept on thinking while I’m running and when I get tired I slow down. Currently, I stop dancing for God in my church because of the same thing as jogging. When I get tired, I need a rest to refresh and find back my motivation about dancing my very best to God. When I get back my energy, it will be another race to run for God.

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Just now I went to music team as usual like what we all did every Tuesday. One sister told me that she willing to give me a hand in the short of dancer situation. I should be glad and feel blessed but my feeling turn another way. When she explain to me what she was thinking, I try my very best to explain to her what I want also. But what I told her doesn’t seem like what I want. I started to get worry. What is happening with me? I don’t know what I want and I don’t know what to say. So, we end the discussion up with telling her that I need more time to think and consider about the whole thing.

Actually, it is a very simple thing. I don’t know what happen to me that I suddenly don’t know what I want for this ministry. I started to struggle.

Not only about my serving in the church, sometimes I don’t know what I want in choosing food, cloth or even small decision that shouldn’t be a problem for me. Is it because that I want the best for every little thing? Couldn’t get the answer either but have decided to go to bath now and think about it later.

One fine day in my working place, I wrote an email to my dear best friend in Australia. I suddenly touch on the topic commitment and feeling. As I wrote the letter longer and longer, I also thought about the issue of commitment myself. The word “Commitment” is such a big word for certain people. A friend of mine said that she never thought about marriage because she doesn’t want a commitment. For the word “Commitment” itself not only to love but it can also apply to our friendship, our job, our hobbies, or even writing this blog of mine are a commitment for me.

I started to learn about commitment when I was in the age of 16. Although a bit young, but this word do bring me to another level of my life on the things that I should be doing. Commitment holds me to continue to dance to God with my whole body and commitment hold my relationship with my boyfriend for about 7 years. Sometimes, I do complain with my friends surround me saying that to continue this about 7 years relationship is really tiring and frustrating because it’s been too long. Where are we heading to and what next?

Everything come with good and bad, so does our relationship. But as time goes by, our maturity grow, both me and my boyfriend realize that our love cannot survive if only depends on the feeling for each other. What we have today is a blessing from God and also commitment holds us together. Sometimes, we can have no feeling for each other but still we love and miss each other so much. Sound ridiculous? I think so. It’s true and that is the only way and only reason we are still together.

Our pastor said that, after the wedding bells of one couple then it will be the beginning of their love story. Before that, was only the preview of the movie. Hmmm…sound interesting and it sound scary too. Can you imagine that after 7th years of giving and suddenly you know that it is only the introduction, not even go into the chapter one in our love story?

This is the fact, and yet I choose to believe that. Now, all I can do is to wait for my day to come and wait for the beginning of our story.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Some people said that between loves and hate, there is a thin line. Other people said, love equal to hate. You hate him/her means that you love him/her and if you love him/her, you will hate him/her in another way also.

Hmmm, do this definition still valid if I applied it into love or hate your job? As I am sitting in my office now and try to figure out, what am I doing here if I don’t like this job? But if you want me to choose to go and find another job again or sit in this office to continue to do the things that I don’t like, I rather stay here than throw myself out again to search for another job. This is what make me headache.

I don’t know why I put myself into this struggle. If you ask me, do you know what you want for your life? I know what I want. If you ask me again, do you know what job you want to do that will make you wake up every morning full of meaning and excitement? Then I don’t know where to find that answer. I don’t even know what kind of job I like to do. Living in this kind of cross road for some time really makes me feel tired and hopeless for my future. When I think about my future, I begin to worry. This job of mine is the third job. The first job, I work in a bank. I found it bored and not interesting at all. Difficult to get high paid also. The second job of mine, I work in a small company that in charge of small things mostly are like admin job. This time, I work in HR Department but found out that is bored too because I keep on doing a routine job every month. Human are hard to satisfy, I agree with that. Only God can satisfy us, also agree with that.

Indeed it is a blessing from God if one person got to choose a job that he/she like it so much and it would not burden him/her everyday but will make him/her wake up every morning with a heart full of excitement.

If the things that I am doing are boring but the people surround me are great, maybe my worry and stress will reduce. Now seems that, my surrounding area have good and bad people. Again, it bring me to a mood that sometimes good, sometimes just feel like finish all my things and quickly pack up my stuff and leave. What else can I do now since that I can’t figure out where should I go next? All I can do is to continue to work here and gain more experience and find my interest. I pray that God will give me Joy as I continue to work here and guide my heart.

Friday, February 17, 2006

I really need space to breath. I don’t really care it’s a big space or a small space, as long as there are some space for me to breath. I get tired with my daily life, I need more patient from God, I get sick with my job, I don’t like my job, I miss Grace and I can’t find dancers. Oh Lord, please hear me from heaven. Please grand me patient and faith in you.

I get very angry with money. Every where we go, people will look at money first. Even the first impression also got something to do with money. What is going on with this world? Isn’t there any love, any kindness or goodness? Money, really that important? Really that important until we can give up our loving and faithful God, that can cause us become evil and cause us hurt others? Because of money, people become wicked and wicked. People forgot about kindness and forgot their true friends. Friends will betray one another; father will kill his own son, no longer think about the feeling and the effort that our parents have pay. After all these, only left one question, is it worth?

The biggest question, is it worth to leave God and follow our own way because of money? Is it worth that we do illegal things and sin against God because of money? If the answer is worth, how would God feel when he know that, the person willing to let God go because of treasure in the earth and not treasure on the heaven.

To keep on surviving and shine for God in this wicked world, I really need a lot of courage to be strong and faithful. To have more faith and trust in God to believe that God is my provider and my strength, whom shall I be afraid of again because the Lord is with me. To really understand the phase, “when we have nothing but God, God is enough”, we need a big courage and a long time. Oh Lord, let me not leave you because of money. Guide my heart and my mind as I live everyday for you. Lord, give my strength when I need you and never let me turn away from you. For my life is to live for you and it is you who own me.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

After a few days of moody and down, it’s time to move on with my life and to continue to work hard to achieve my dreams. To achieve my dreams, a very first thing that I need to do is keep fit. Have to start a daily record about what I have ate everyday and from there, I will keep record about what I have ate and what cause me fat.

Don’t worry my friend, I’ll be alright to continue with my life and I know you’ll be alright too because the Lord is with us.

When we discuss about move on, there are some part in our life that really need a big breakthrough and to move one with our life. In certain part of our heart, there are something deep inside that is hard to do and it cause our life to slow down our life of journey just to struggle that should we move on or should we just stay where we are.

I like to watch the comedy drama called “Friends”. In the movie, there are six good friends. Two out of six of them called Rachel and Ross. In the second season of friends, they get along with each other. When I watched a bit further, they broke up and became friends again. Both of them try to move on with their life and try to search for Mr Right, they keep on bumping back to the feeling for each other and that make them difficult to move on. There relationship keep on hanging there until they get a daughter and still they are friends. When I watched season 10 the last episode, Rachel wanted to move on with her life and her new job about fashion in Paris, Ross realize that he can’t live without Rachel. Joey try to tell Ross that, maybe the departure of Rachel that can really make you let go and move on with your life. But Ross reply and said, yes it’s true but the thing is, I don’t want to let go and move on. So from the decision of Ross, their relationships are back together after 7 years.

There are good and bad in different things but as for me, it’s time for me to move on than to stay in the same place and wait for 7 years. I might lose my 7 years just like that. I believe that, there is a time for God to work in us. When God think that is time to move on, then we’ll also think that is time to move on.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Today is the day that I have prepared to face for 3 years ago. I hate this kind of feeling and the swing emotion. Three and a half years before, I have the same feeling. Now, I have to face the same thing again. Early morning before I can barely open my eyes, the feeling is already there. It make me suffer and so uncomfortable. When I try to work, I feel my heart pain and it's difficult to breathe. It's like carrying a big stone every where I go that make me hard to breath. Everything that I do seems to be slow. A few more hours she will depart from here and I have to face back my lonely life. Although my sister will be coming here this Sunday, but the hard feeling is still in me.

We have been best friends for almost 11 years. Good and bad, we share together. We laugh together, we cry together, we bear each other burdens and we understand one another. In these 11 years, there are really many things and many memories. There are times for cold war too that both of us seldom talk but through God's Grace, our friendship can reach another level.To have her in my life is a blessing and a gift from God. I still remember that when I use to be a small girl, I pray to God that He will give me a best friend. I still remember that prayer. I pray for a best friend that understands me, share my joy and grief, stay friends till deaths do us apart. Indeed, God reply my prayer and He gave me her.

Both of us believe that, what we have is not from what we gain but it's from God's Grace. Though our friendship, I get to learn things that God want me to learn and to have breakthrough in different area. Human are not perfect, so am I. I admit that we do hurt each other and get angry with each other but with The Love of God, we accept our weakness and turn it to be our strength to encourage one another.

Although she will leave me, but what we have will always be in our heart. Although things will never be the same again like we want it too, but nothing can tear down our true love for each other. Although we hold different dreams, it will never stop us from encourage one another. Although say goodbye is the only way for our destiny and the only way for us now but we will still be with each other when we need one another the most.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Letting go.....an easy to speak word but difficult to do. To let go, is it really that difficult? Hmm...as I was thinking about it alone in my living room, to let go things that matter a lot to you, is really need so much time and it's tough. But to let go things that you don't even care, is like throwing rubbish to where it belong. To let go some one that you care a lot or material that means a lot, seems like not as easy as it looks.In the journey of life, there are things that we have to know to let go and let God handle it. Although it hurt me badly and need time to heal, but I rather to let go then I lost it. My best friend is going to Australia to further her study soon. Is this also another way of letting go the one that you care and love? Thought about it for some time, only left question marks in my mind.

If we never let go, we will never know how much it mean to us, we will never know how precious it is for us. To let go is like parents letting go their child hand when they start to learn to walk. If the parents don't let go their hands, they will never know how well their kids can walk but if they fall down, it will be a reminder for the kids to learn new things. In this adventure of life, there are a lot of seasons. Season to be happy, a season to be sad, season to be disappointed and a season to thankful. Every season brings every lesson and every memory that keep in our heart. No matter I like it or not, there is a season for me. Hmm…Just pray to God that from this season that I am facing, I can grow stronger to rely on Him. Things will never be the same again but I know, it will be ok. I'll be ok too.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Seems like Chinese New Year just past like that. I didn't really go anywhere except to my boyfriend house. Hmmm...This Chinese New Year is bored. After a few days of relaxing, have to get back to reality again. Yesterday, my guy comes and we study math together, when he started to get bored, he try to make the atmosphere different. I was in the toilet when I heard he stream help...Babe, help me..Help! When I get out from the washroom, I saw that he try to scare me with hiding under the sofa in my living room. But end up, too fat, can't get in and can't get out. I have to carry the sofa up to realize him from the suffering. I laugh at him for 5 minute. He is just so cute and funny. Try to scared me but end up suffering in the middle of getting in and coming out process. He is so cute. We've been together for quite some time. This year, we are going to the 7th year anniversary. Although it seems long, but time never stop our feeling for each other. I never stop Thanks God for such a cute and wonderful boyfriend like him. A very best gift from Him. Thank You Lord....Talk about boyfriend, my best friend finally has her boyfriend. Actually, I wish that she have a boyfriend long time ago. Now, she has one. Hmmm....Seems like everyone have their own love one. But, will these love one of ours are our soul mate that we can spend the rest of our life with till death do us apart? Big questions.... Everyone try to find their soul mate, their true love. But for me, I found my soul mate that I can spend the rest of my life with. I found my true and everlasting love too. That is Jesus. Although He loves me more than I can ever imagine, I am trying to share the same as well. True love, only one- Jesus Christ..