OneChanbara [Oh-Nay Chawn Bar-Uh][Tit-A’s & Zomb-A’s]

[THE CHALK-OUTLINE]

Japanese pop-models fight off legions of kung-fu fighting zombies, with samurai swords and double-barrel shotguns—while wearing bikinis and leather catsuits. There is nothing about that sentence that I don’t like.

[THE EXECUTION]

Right away, the premise for this film sounds like pure win, but the devil is a lady in a red two-piece. Sure enough, 10 minutes in, it becomes a gamble as to whether or not this film will be so shitty it’s awesome, or so shitty it’s nearly unbearable. Turns out, unfortunately for me, it’s the latter.

After the initial pre-title action sequence, the film becomes a major let down as the plot caves in on itself like a wooden door in a zombie onslaught. To say it’s paper thin, would be giving the credit of Kevlar. Essentially the story is one of two sisters, and it’s about 99% the same as the backstory given to Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow in G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA.

Two siblings in a martial arts clan, are pitted against one another as young children and when one out performs the other and gets praise by the father for doing so, the other goes apeshit and kills the father. The two grow up, one becomes a silent stoic ass kicker and the other becomes even more of an asshole. And since this movie came out in 2008, it makes me wonder if the “writers” of JOE, happened across this “film” and lifted the idea. I’ll probably never know, but in believing that shit begets shit, I say it’s a definite possibility. The main difference of coarse, is that this film has bikinis and zombies, and JOE has Marlon Wayans. It’s a toss up as to which is more gimmicky and sad.

You may be wondering why these two are glowing and why their swords are spouting pink flames. And the answer is, this movie is Japanese. And it is for this reason, that I still hold some semblance of hope for the American Action film market. Because even though our blockbusters have become horrifically stupid, painfully childish and apathetically devoid of narrative and plot, they are still a small step ahead of nonsensical horse shit Asian splatter-fest genre films like ONECHANBARA.

G.I. JOE may be pointless, loud, embarrassing, racist, sexist, over-hyped, over-budgeted, shit-spewing garbage; but I can at least understand the reasons for not understanding it… It’s made for douche-bag assholes and children. Two groups of people I hate and gave up trying to figure out a long time ago.

As for the intended demographic of this movie—fuck if I know. I thought Japanese students were at least 50 spots higher than American students on the education-o-meter? Then again, I went to scool in the Younitd Stats. Nevertheless, how and why they make crap like this popular is a culture shock issue I don’t think I’ll ever understand. That and those used-panties vending machines… seriously—what the fuck, Japan? Don’t waste your time with this one. If you must get a fanboy boner, just rent, RENT (don’t buy) the videogame. At least then you can change their outfits and make them jiggle with your joysticks.

[HOW BAD-ASS IS THE MAIN CHARACTER?]

Eri Otoguro is Aya the Bikini Samurai Cowgirl

As a young girl she witnessed her sister aiding a group of evil men in brutally murdering her father, and has since spent her young adult life killing zombies in hopes of enacting revenge on said sister, who is partially behind the engineered outbreak. Or, something like that.

-Member of the Imichi Clan (whatever that is), she is a killer swordswoman.
-Cuts down dozens of Hot Topic hoodie wearing J-Pop super zombies.
-Deflects and dodges bullets with her sword and samurai reflexes, respectably.
-Wears a scarf, bikini, a cowboy hat and boots. (Never Explained, Why?)
-Is able to be showered in undead-emo blood, but never gets a spot on her. (Never Explained, Why?)
-Has the ability to shoot energy waves out of her sword, when she gets angry. (Never Explained, Why?)
-This evolves into being able to create a tornado. (Never Explained, How?)
-Magically gains the ability to emit pinkish-red flames from her body and sword in the final sequence. (Never Explained, Why?)
-Magically gains the ability to teleport in the final sequence. (Never Explained, Why?)
-And, she “never smiles”, ever. (Never Explained, LIE!)

[THE BODY COUNT: UM, A BUNCH]

And then some. As once again I find myself breaking down a fucking zombie movie, I have to re-state that I only count the first time a human dies. That said, I would estimate the movie’s body count somewhere in the neighborhood of 75. Give or take a dozen.

With the hyper-insane jump cutting and super-slow-mo light explosions, I would have had to go back and frame-by-frame this movie to get an accurate count. And fuck that noise. I’ll leave that task to someone who gives a shit. Let me know if that poor bastard happens to be you. Until then—75.

[MOST SATISFYING DEATH]

I’ll go with Doctor Fucked-Up Teeth, who likes to kick little girls and turn them into zombies. He gets what he deserves when one of his pets tears his eyes out of their sockets and eats him alive. Fuck that asshole.

[DUDESWEAT AND MACHISMO]

I’ve always thought that Japanese boys haircut’s where kind of fruity, but I’d never tell that to their faces, as they always seem to be shouting and pulling out concealed blades on gaijins like me. But, since it is pretty rare to be stabbed in the balls with a butterfly knife over the internet—get a haircut, you sissies! Yeah, that’s all I’ve got on this entry. Plus, I’m just jealous. I wish I had a thick head of Asian Elvis hair…

[EXPLOITATION AND MISOGYNY]

Aside from the fact that the entire premise of this film (and the games) is horny, adolescent male fan service, there are only a couple of glaring scenes featured within that would give feminist movie critics the fuel for a nastier review than the one you’re reading right now.

The first being a nice little bit of survivor sex, in which the female of the couple bares her itty-bitties. Furthermore, after she gets used like a broodmare for the diminished human race, she is killed off by her zombiefied boyfriend and forced to roam the Earth as a topless walking corpse—at least for a couple minutes before getting shot in the head by one of the slayers. But, that’s what happens for taking your man’s mind off of survival, you filthy brain-eating bitch.

And then there is the small case of the aforementioned villainous scientist who keeps young schoolgirls chained to the floor of his dingy basement, that he beats unmercifully and performs biological experiments on. If you consider that demeaning to women, that is.

[EPIC MOMENT AND BEST ONE-LINER]

I’ll go with Aya stabbing her sister through the midsection with her magic glowing samurai sword.

The only repercussion for her doing so, is that sis gets stronger and able to burst her body into blue flames of energy. It’s never explained, why? But, by this point, it really didn’t matter.

As for one liners, no such luck. Here is the best I found, spouted by the token bumbling fat-ass during the one moment in the film where he doesn’t cry out for a woman to come save him.

[THE MORAL OF THE STORY]

You can, apparently, fuck up a movie about scantly-clad hot women that kill zombies with samurai swords and shotguns. I seriously wouldn’t have thought that possible before…