I was flicking over some of my older posts and before I carry I wanted to clear up all loose ends before I start concentrating on the future and what’s next for me and this blog. As we all know my ideas don’t always go to plan, in fact I don’t think any of them do but it never stops me trying new things. So lets start.

What’s New?

Not much really. I have a few things going on at the moment and plans but they should be covered as we tie up some more loose ends, but right now answering that question, there isn’t really anything new.

What’s the career plan now that counselling failed?

I can’t believe it was a year ago I was studying counselling. Where has that time gone? After the huge flop I was dismayed and upset and felt really hopeless but James my inspiration, a hard-working individual has taught me to do what you love. I know I’ve said this before but he really loves his job, I know this because he doesn’t stop talking about it. Now that’s passion. I have a passion. I love being creative and I love animals. I do have a plan and with what I expect to be a very slow beginning, I have started or in the process of starting up my own business, I have a few idea and hope to be sharing them with you all soon. Watch this space.

How are the pets?

I’ve not had much luck with the pets recently, as I have written previously I lost two of my cats, meaning one day they went out and didn’t come home. Elmo left us in November and after searching for months and months, have ended the search with firm belief that if he wanted to come home he would, I think his found another less chaotic home with people who love him dearly. He is chipped and I live in home one day my boy will return. Bandit went missing February this year. As this was totally out of his character we were instantly worried he’d been hit by a car or something else. Again after months of searching and nothing I’ve come to believe my poor boy has left us to ‘Cross the rainbow Bridge’ The day Bandit went missing he was a bit under the weather. I was going to see how he improved in the day before taking him to the vets, but he ventured out and never returned. I think with cats the not knowing what happens to them is the thing that hurts the most. I miss them dearly and still look when I’m out in case I may spot them. Blue is good. He recently was chipped in case he wanders off like the other two, but he really doesn’t enjoy the outside world alone. His more happy to sit in the garden with me or James. I think his enjoyed being a solo cat to be honest and I believe that’s how he will remain, after losing the other two I don’t have any intentions to rescue, adopt or buy any more cats. I think Blue had adjusted to being a single cat very well and wouldn’t appreciate an intruder now.

Sandi out old boy, I will admit isn’t too great at this moment in time. He has back troubles and most of his days he spends in bed. His not active any more and can no longer go for walks. His happy enough though. Recently he had a collision (accidental) with a small child…the child ran into him and jarred his neck and back. His been a bit worse off since. He has prescribed pain meds which help him but after discussing with my mother about his quality of life, we have booked him into the vets to see if there’s anything else that can improve his state and if not we may take the decision to have him put to sleep. As hard that is to write, it’s not fair on the dog if his living his days in pain. I often question putting animals to sleep because we have to make that decision and we can’t communicate with our beloved pets I often think, do they want to die? Do they even know what’s happening? I know we have all these beliefs about religions and afterlife and what’s next so to speak but what animals? Do they know? Do they welcome it? I had to make this decision for my beloved Tess and I hated it, I don’t really want to make the same choice for Sandi. Hopefully there’ll be something to make him feel better so we wont have to take that route.

I don’t know if I wrote before we got a hamster, Cleo. We got her back in March and she’s a cutie. Sadly we may not be keeping her for much longer as much as it saddens me again. Blue who totally ignored her has now developed an unhealthy interest in her and is worrying her a little. I can’t get her out as much because the cat wont leave her be. It may not happen as we love Cleo our little diva a lot but I also want to put Cleo’s welfare first. I wouldn’t like to live my entire life in a cage and never venture any where. Again its one of those we’ll have to discuss and decide for her. I will keep you posted in all areas as always.

How is life?

What a question to ask myself. Its OK. Not what I want right now, meaning there’s a lot I want to do and changes I NEED to make, and have started. There’s a lot of decisions again I need to make for myself and not worry about other people, that I do all the time. I need to decide what’s best for me. At the moment, I am trying to move house. I want to move into a slightly bigger house but am in a position where I can’t. Just a lot of small niggle things that I need to sort and its the small niggly things that bug us the most am I right? I love my hose and have for 4 years but I’m not 100% happy here any more and I don’t know why. In general I’m happy most of the time. Things do get me considerably down still and my anxiety and depression play on it and things do still get on top of me a lot. I need to learn to think for me and not everyone else. I need to stop worrying about other people and do what I need to and what to. I need to stop waiting for my boyfriend to make up his mine about us and what he wants. There are two of us. I need to put myself first and make the moves towards the things to make me happy. I have started which I’ll get to soon.

What happened to dieting diaries?

Funnily enough, Dieting diaries will be making a return next week. The last diet I tried I really wasn’t in a good place and lapsed back into my old ways. During this period I gained about a stone, starved it off myself (literally and I’m not proud of that either) and then gained all back on again. I’m back at slimming world now like I was originally with a bigger support circle, Becky James and Vicky are all with me. Which is nice and I am enjoying it more this time round. I have a new group and group rep? I don’t know what you call them and she is far more supportive than our previous one and I have made a really good start. I’ll post my season 3 Dieting diaries later this week. Keep a look out for it 🙂

What happened to Fusion Fiction and films?

Well the main reason was time. I didn’t have enough time to read an entire book and go to the cinema to watch a new movie but I will be doing to odd reviews here and there so they’ve not vanished.

Did you start a Vlog?

Not yet. Hopefully soon when have a bit more time. I really want to Vlog but it’s also a confidence thing. Putting yourself on the internet leave you open for criticism and I’m not sure if I’m ready for that just yet. Maybe in the autumn.

Do you still have a Facebook page?

No. I no longer use Facebook as I found it too depressing and a source of my anxieties. I haven’t used Facebook for around 4 months now and have noticed a big improvement. I use Instagram and find the environment a lot happier, you can follow me, MJwhite525.

Will Fad Friday return?

In a way it’s never left. I do have passions and crazes I regularly share on my blog it may be on a Friday or it may be on a Sunday. It’s just not under that name any more.

How did the Pokemon reading challenge go?

In all honesty I didn’t do it. Again it was a time and a lack of interest in reading. I will review the challenge soon and pick some new books to read and come back to it. I am slowly getting back into reading again.

Why didn’t throwback Thursday work?

I found it too triggering. My old journals aren’t full of the happiest of memories, I didn’t tend to focus on the good as I used my journals as a venting space and to write about all the things that I couldn’t say out loud. After reading through one journal I felt it wasn’t something I wanted to relive just yet. Maybe in 10 or 20 years down the line I will but for now I’ve wrapped them up and stored them in the shed to that day.

Are you still in a relationship?​

yes. James and I have been together coming up 10 months now. We are building a life together and hopefully soon will be living together.

Do you still game?

I do! Between James and I we have a PS1, PS2, Xbox 360, a Nintendo Wii, a PS4, a PSVR and various handhelds. I don’t game as much as James but I do enjoy the odd hour here or there. I also assist write game reviews for James Blog. (link below)

Who’s Raven?

Raven is James and I’s new Black Labrador puppy. She is currently 10 weeks old and will have her own post days to update you all on her progress and how she grows.

What should we expect from Fusion?

More posts. I cannot promise I can blog regularly, but I love blogging and sharing things with people and I want to make the time to do these things. I have features I love writing and want to continue to write am going to make the effort to keep it going. Thank you all for being such loyal followers. I appreciate each and every one of you!

I’m a 7 week old Black Labrador who is coming to live with my new scribbler mumma and fuzzy faced daddy next week. I was born May 27th and have four sisters and three brothers. There’s a lot of us! My doggy mummy is called Missy, shes a good mummy and always catches us when we’re being naughty, she takes good care of us and is teaching us how to be good puppies for when our humans come to take us home. I will be sad to leave my mummy but my human mummy said I will be seeing her again, lots of times so i shouldn’t be said. I will also be seeing my sister who hasn’t got a name yet. I haven’t met my daddy, but I have been told he’s a gentle yellow Labrador who is a real show dog from crufts and stuff. I wont be a crufts dog but i am going to be a special dog called a family dog. My mum said its my job to look after my humans and make sure they don’t do anything really silly like forget where they live and eat all their food themselves.

I do have a lot to learn and my biggest adventure will be leaving my mum and brothers and sisters but I’m looking forward to sharing all my fun and adventures with my human mummy and daddy with you all. well got to go, its nap time and Buddy always steals the best spot when i’m not there!

I am so fed up I really need to vent. How comes you can bend over backwards to keep EVERYONE!! and NO ONE has the time of day for you when you need them the most??? I am so pissed off about it! I do EVERYTHING for my friends, I do favours left right and centre, I try so hard to be a good person, I try harder to treat people how I want to be treated, its always one sided. My boyfriend sucks, cares more about hos Ex’s mental issues than his current girlfriends, my friends (apart from the bestie) are self absorbed and wrapped up in their own lives, spill all their problems on me and don’t reciprocate the action!!! WHYYY???????

its always the same issue for me, I do too much and leave out me time and then I suffer. Everyone is take take take and I give give give to I cant do any more. Literally cant do any more, to the point I cant get out of bed and I wish I was dead. All I want is someone to talk to. Why is that so hard to come by these days? I try but I am so used to people saying ‘you’ll be ok, get over it….me me memememememmemememe!!!’ ITS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!!!! I know people in the same situation, who feel the same but I cant talk to them, its like a triggering circle, I feel bad because….i feel crap because….yeah me too thinking about it…. This stupid government needs to stop bickering about who and what did this and that and face the real problem staring them in the face!! People suffering!! so many people suffering in lots of different ways, homeless, poverty, people trapped in their own minds, people so depressed with their lives they don’t want to face another day because there is no help available (unless you can make it through a 6 month waiting list!) ridiculous!!!!

I’ve had a lot of ups and downs since I last posted but now its just a downward spiral and it needs to stop. People need to stop. Stop getting at me, stop with the high expectations, stop with all the pressure of being this and doing that, and being this strong human who has all the answers. I cannot care for any more people than myself at them moment and having a million things on my mind at one time, running on water and 3 hours sleep a night because I cant stop thinking about everything isn’t working for me any more! It has to stop. I cant take any more, how is it always me left feeling like the bad person. How? Why is it me??

My birthday came and went with another bad memory, again my ‘family’ didn’t make a single effort, my brother has avoided me since which hurts. I don’t do birthdays any more. My mother I have been ‘keeping’ since she’s been on sick is now back to work and don’t have time for me any more. My dad deleted me off Facebook and wont reply to texts. My boyfriend seems to be having the best of everything in this relationship and I’m getting nothing but heartache and misery. He made a lot of promises on my birthday, didn’t keep one. LOL yup just proving to be like the rest of them. Have you ever wanted to get away and Never come back? Seriously considering leaving and not coming back. Why would I? Only leaving behind the crap I’ve been lugging about since moving here.

i just feel like i’m done with this chapter and awaiting the next…..it can only get better right??

Not had such a good time recently, My beloved cat Bandit has been missing for three weeks now, finally got a clear result of not pregnant, which I wasn’t what I wanted and was a bit gutted, depression has reared its ugly head again and started planting seeds of doubt ad despair. Just not felt too good as you can imagine. So I decided to write about what I’m loving at the moment.

Thirteen Reasons Why *Contains mild spoilers*

I finished watching the series on Sunday and was left wowed. Towards the end of the series the episodes portray ‘issues’ in a gritty life like way making you feel what the characters were feeling. I wasn’t expecting this at all despite the ‘graphic content warnings’. The series really didn’t disappoint. I loved the way it showed what happens to the characters and how listening to the tapes had effected them and how Hannah’s suicide took a toll on her parents. I loved how such a taboo subject was shown how it really is. I’ve been there myself and remembered all the feeling Hannah was feeling (obviously not for the same reasons) I remember wanting to make a change in my life and get help but being too afraid to. There has been news of a second series, I can see how this would carry as Hannah’s parents took the school to court and we never really hear a result about who won, and it would be good to see what happened to Bryce and Jessica and of course Clay and Skye. I highly recommend the series to anyone but warn those who have self harmed or attempted suicide it may be a bit triggering.

Retro Gaming

I’m not the biggest gamer on the planet, unlike the boyfriend, he has them all. I’ve been gaming about a year now on consoles now I own a few. Recently I have been playing a lot on my game boy colour (Pokemon Yellow) my PlayStation one (Spyro) PC gaming (The sims 1 and sims city) and now after a bit of thought I bought a Nintendo DS lite. I used to have one when they first came out but it broke. I found this one in a charity shop for £10 and bought Nintendogs £1.50 and have been playing since. I also used to have this game. I used to love it. I have the Labrador and friends edition and had a chocolate Labrador called Jake for about two years. This time I have the Dachshund edition and a Husky called Daisy (came with the game and didn’t have the heart to donate the dog) and my Golden Retriever Jupiter. Its a great little boredom no brainer game. Its actually helped me relax a lot better than trying to shoot things on Deadpool and collect Lego bricks in ALL my Lego games. (oh so many-thanks to my boyfriend!) I cant actually play my Xbox 360 at the moment as I’ve lost my charging cable and its on batteries which rinse within and hour of gaming. Its annoying too as I have a few games I’ve not even tried yet like Epic Mickey two and Lego Batman. Ugh.

Unicorn cup and crusha Shakes

obsession is an understatement. My mum got me this cute cup and all I want to drink out of it is milkshakes as it looks so pretty and colourful. I’m not a pink person but my favourite is strawberry or raspberry crushas. Yummy!

Pop tarts

Taste amazing, look amazing. Life feels better with pop tarts in it. (these are the chocolate hot fudge sundae ones. Where have they been all my life.

Harry Potter

No matter how old I get I still worship these books. There is nothing like them on the planet. They are defiantly my go to books when I feel rubbish and losing myself in honeydukes or in a defence against the dark arts class. Also was the release of the fantastic beast movie. My boyfriend got me a niffer funko pop and I love him, and we’re going to the Harry Potter studios next week for our 6 month Anniversary!! wanted to go forever and even though we booked this ages ago I never believed we’d go but its like 8 sleeps and I’m so freaking excited! In preparation to visiting the studios I am re reading my favourite books and re-watching my favourite movies. I have my Harry Potter T-shirt at the ready and I’m looking forward to going!!

Fidget Cube

I have seen these things popping up everywhere and after reading up on them bought one. I love it. Yesterday I took a bus trip (which I avoid like the plague) as its an anxious situation I hate putting myself in. always feel anxious on buses given we live in the middle of no where and if something went wring (hundreds of possibilities) we’d be stranded or whatever. Obviously this didn’t happen as I am home writing this now but the trip was pretty painless given I hate the little cube in my hand. What a difference. Its such a good distraction for the mind and the hands.

It has six different faces for different types of distractions

copied from fidget cube leaflet

Breathe- say goodbye to stress. The design of this face is inspired by traditional worry stones tools used to reduce anxiety when rubbed

Roll- the gears and the ball on its side are all about rolling movements (with the ball supporting a built in click feature)

spin- looking for a circular fidger? Take this dial for a spin

click- No need to click that pen any more. you’ll find 3 clicker buttons and two silenced buttons on the side of this design to satisfy the clicker in all of us.

Glide- you don’t have to be a gamer to enjoy this satisfying gliding action of this joystick.

Flip- Pivot this switch back and forth gently if you’re looking to fidget silently or quickly for a more audible click.

and Finally…

Audible

some times I struggle getting through books, especially if my mind is else where so I took out a new subscription to Amazons website audible which allows me to listen to books anywhere. I have a book on my phone I am enjoying at the moment called ‘The school of good and evil’ its like being a child again having someone read to you. Reminds me of sleep overs at my nan’s house. Happy thoughts. I also find it handy to listen to while I’m writing or journaling or doing housework, out and about or just chilling.

So that’s my Loves so far this month. Anyone else tried any of these or share similar loves this month? Do share, I love reading other peoples.

OMG how excited was this morning when I turned on Netflix to put something mindless on in the background to discover…low and behold….THIRTEEN REASONS WHY IS FINALLY AVAILABLE TO WATCH!!! based on the epic book by Jay Asher I was thrilled and excited to see one of my favourite books turned into a series. I loved this book from the moment i read it. dealing with depression myself I was happy to discover a book based on the subject and why someone what get as far as taking their own life. its very thought provoking.

Now 2 episodes into the series I am not disappointed in the slightest. it has stayed true to the original novel and given extra insights you don’t find in the book, like how her parents deal with Hannah’s suicide and searching for answers. The entire subject is handled incredibly well. am well and truly hooked on the series!

Levelled up on Disney’s magic Kingdoms game to level 30 and almost completed the Beauty and the Beast event (just waiting on Gaston)

Seen the new Beauty and the Beast movie twice.

Bought the soundtrack

Memorised all the songs

Broken up with James having imaginary arguments in my head around 30 odd times….why? I don’t know…

Celebrated my brothers 29th birthday. Yay you!

Have peed approximately 10-12 times today alone. It is 5.30pm UK time

displayed every symptom of pregnancy listed on every baby website ever and still get a negative result- conclusion, my body hates me so very much…

I am a bit down today as I write this, its a weirdly hot March day and I’ve not long got back from picking Dexter up from nursery and delivering him home like a good auntie. I don’t really feel social, I feel incredibly emotional, my boobs hurt, have stomach cramps, I’m so tired and in a very snappy whinny mood but I still get a negative result from a pregnancy test. Ugh WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? You honestly don’t realise how much you want sometime to you’re in a way denied it. I want a child. My body is saying yes the tests saying no….ugh depressing.

I’ve decided to have a me night, where I turn off my phone and concentrate on myself, where I’m going to eat chocolate and ice cream in my PJs and binge watch Jane the Virgin on Netflix because I want to. And when I run out of that, re watch the walking dead with candles lit. ITS ALL ABOUT ME! I need cheering up. No ones about tonight, my nephew didn’t want sleep over, my best friend is picking her grandparents up from Heathrow and like I said I don’t feel social with anyone else. I really don’t.

I really wanted James to pull a sicky from playing dart tonight. He wont. Darts come first, as well as a million other things. I shouldn’t really say that, he is a really good boyfriend, honestly the best I’ve ever had ever! Just at the moment the distance between us feels like its getting more and more and the time we get together is shorter and shorter and its like I’m booking an appointment to spend time with my own boyfriend. There are times I do believe its best we’re not together and should call it a day because its so hard sometimes. Seems to be only me feeling it though. Its okay at the end of the day, he does something every night his back home, plays darts and pool and I sit and home not wanting to disturb him because his busy but missing him like crazy to the point I go to bed crying.

I felt like I needed to write, It lonely sometimes. I now everyone wishes at one point in their lives to live on your own, be independent, have your own space. The novelty quickly runs out and boy do I sometimes wish I could ‘go home’. Not possible. Everyday is a battle. Everyone I know is doing something awesome this year, be a holiday, going somewhere, doing something and there me, had to cancel all my plans as I cant afford anything right now. My house comes first and to be honest it really sucks. I’m not even doing anything for my birthday this year, no ones around, the boyfriend has his son, my best friend is on a hen night, my other best friend has kids and no one else has the cash/wants to. Another lonely birthday at home. I do wonder about my life.

Wow this is getting depressing very quickly. I’m heading to the freezer and grabbing my ice cream and putting Netflix on. Should I google ‘how to cure sadness?’ Is there a cure? I doubt. Write again soon. Sorry about the rambling post.

Sorry I’ve not written in such a long time, today is literally the first time I’ve felt like sitting down with the laptop to write. I need to vent, I have so much in my head right now I don’t know what to do with all the thoughts and the feeling and its in a way painful.

For the last 3 months life has been full on, had a lot of things to balance out or at least learn to and I wont lie I have struggled. I haven’t been in a relationship for about 5 years so five months into the one I’ve realised how time consuming it is. Not that I’m complaining, I Love James a lot and our relationship is strong, even though we’ve had a couple of hiccups and the distance thing is getting to be an issue but we’re working on it together.

With spending so much time with James a lot of other things have suffered, like my blog, my time with other friends which hasn’t been a bad thing but I had upset a lot of people. I was worried I was losing my best friend in the world Becky, because I hadn’t seen her so much and I felt bad for it. It got me down. Really down. I felt like gaining a boyfriend I’d lost everything else. Which obviously isn’t the case. Yes some people have gone because they couldn’t be happy for me, which is sad but the people still in my life are the ones I know I’ll have for a long time ahead. Just had a lot of stressful times.

My Current worries:

I’m wasting my life: Counselling didn’t work and now I don’t know what to do with my life, I really want my own business but learning and starting a business you need money, something I don’t have, I feel so stuck right now.

My relationship: This is not such a big worry but there are time it is. I know what I can be like, all my passed experiences with ex’s tell me what I’m like and how annoying and that I can be. I don’t want to ruin this. Its on my mind 24/7 not to screw this up in a typical MJ way. I get too close to scare myself and say and do something stupid and feel guilty then start pushing them away more to save myself more hurt than someone else. I’m kind of in the pushing away stage at the moment, I keep telling myself James can do better, he doesn’t like me really or I’m really not good enough it doesn’t work…where as in reality it does work. Its worked better than any relationship I’ve ever been in. He listens, he actually cares about what I say/do/ feel. Its weird sometimes because again not used to having something so good.

Missing loved ones: In December as I write previously My uncle passed away. I haven’t grieved at all. I missed the funeral and just carried on as normal but I think now its catching up. For the last two weeks I have missed My grandparents, Olivia and my uncle more than anything. I miss my Nan and being able to talk to her about everything. I miss my granddads advice about life, I miss my daughter and I wish she was here with me every day, I didn’t miss my uncle to recently when I thought about all the things we’d done together, in my mind he was still here with Sonny, cooking curries and laughing life’s worries away. I wish I spent more time with him. Isn’t it funny we wish things when its too late.

My health (physical): it has been awful. I’ve had a stomach biopsy this year and on tablets and its no the life I lined up for myself. My weight disgusts me and so does my fitness and I want to make it all better. I have stared and am determined to keep at it. I’ve started zumba classes and dancercise, I’m starting yoga for relaxation along with meditation to help with my anxiety next week. I’ve also started healthy eating a lot m lore and knocking the binge eating off. When I’m stressed or down I’m leaving the food alone and finding something else to do, mostly my Journal (I’ll get to in a minute).

My health (mental): I’m scared of getting to depressed again that everything stops like it did before. I’m worried that when I get that’s urges to self harm I’m going to give in and start again. I’m worried that when I want to give up I will make it happen and ‘give up’. I don’t want to take my own life. What a waste that would be but when that darkness sinks in and its all you can think about and you believe it is the best option…what do you do? I cant talk to people recently which I regret, that’s why I’m blogging, had this stuff I cant tell James or Becky or the hobbit, Ellie, work friends, Louise or family. I just can’t. What would they think of me? I’m weak? Why would they want to get wrapped up in this AGAIN? Its not fair on anyone. Meditation should help, well I hope

Pregnant? Its on my mind. Its possible, but most likely not to be. Its a worry. Its something I wouldn’t mind, but its something James doesn’t want. I’m doing a test next week, either way I don’t know how to feel.

Family: I don’t feel as close to my niece and nephew as I have been. I love them so so much, I really do but I don’t want to be around the kids when I feel like this. Its not fair on them, especially when I feel short fused, snappy and sad. Its not fair on them. I miss them so much.

I cant think of anything else right now, so I guess that’s everything that’s bugging me day in and out. More some than others. I think you can guess which ones rule my mind more. Its not all been bad though. Had a few good days out. Valentines day was good, our first one James and I shared. I’ve been and seen a few good movies, Lego Batman movie, Fifty shades darker, hidden figure and plan to see the new Beauty and the beast soon. we’ve booked in to go the Harry Potter studio next month and I cant wait really. Something to look forward to. We got a hamster too. Her names Cleo. She’s that little bit crazy that she’s ideal for our little fuzzy family.

I’ve also found a new way to journal which has been helping me relax and reflect a lot better. Its a mixture of normal Journaling, Bullet Journaling, Art journaling and a little bit of wreck journaling. I love it and find I have been more creative and able to organize and record things I’ve needed to easier than keeping a journal before. Its not full of negativity or bad memories, its bright and full of ideas and things I love. I want to share some things on here soon. So if you’re interested keep an eye open.

I’m going to try and Blog more, I’ll try going back to once a week and build it up. It was getting too much adding all these ideas and things I don’t truly enjoy. Small steps, like with everything else. Small steps. Thanks for reading