Terrible news today, everyone. Emmy-winning “Two and a Half Men” co-star Jon Cryer has not — I repeat, has NOT — been murdered by a hit man hired by his ex-wife. The FBI, however, is looking into Cryer’s allegations that the guilty-named Sarah Trigger hired an assassin to do just that. TMZ says:

Sources tell us Cryer told law enforcement he believed his ex-wife hired a hitman to kill him. Cryer and his ex have been embroiled in a bitter custody fight, which has gotten even more intense recently.

Sources tell us the FBI has been on the case for a week. As far as we know the agency has no suspects. The FBI declined comment. As we first reported, security descended on the set of “Two and a Half Men” last Friday and the show was taped without an audience.

Phew, that was a close call! For the audience, I mean. My guess is that Cryer is perfectly safe — just as long as he doesn’t sleep with Charlie Sheen.