I didn’t want to get pregnant. A crazy night with an emotionally physical goodbye led to what I didn’t know then would be the hardest goodbye of my life. It was the summer of my sophomore year of college at a very small private liberal arts college. I was working two jobs to pay for the next semester’s tuition. I had loans for the air I breathed and was always struggling to make ends meet. I was living for free in the basement of a friends’ parents’ house, who made me tuna fish and toast for breakfast almost daily. I would come home on my lunch break in time to watch Murder She Wrote with her 70 year old parents while they made me tuna fish sandwiches for lunch.

Between working two jobs and ending a serious relationship, I was tired. I was so tired I went down to the basement and slept for nearly 24 hours, missing two entire episodes with Angela Lansbury. I got in the shower and could swear my boobs were getting bigger. They were sore and I figured I would start my period sometime soon. A week passed and still no period. Then one day at work I threw up what felt like and entire summer’s worth of tuna fish sandwiches. I started to get worried. I drove over to his house. When I showed up he was waiting on the door step. Somehow he knew. We both knew. We silently walked the block to the grocery store and bought every pregnancy test that said “accurate reading”. We went to his house and I went in to the bathroom. I’ll never forget that night.

Not but a few weeks later I started back at school. I moved back onto campus in upper classman housing with 5 other girls. I decided not to tell anyone my secret. I would be maybe 5 months along when the semester ended and I was sure I could hide it till then. Unfortunately my body didn’t want to go along with the charade. The first week back to school I was singing in a music class and passed out and hit my head on the cement floor. When I woke up I was so scared that I had lost the baby that I cried and yelled, without thinking, that I was pregnant. Soooo out went that secret. It was utter pandemonium. It started a long saga of health problems and mid lines and no chance possible chance of anonymity.

The better known I became on campus, the lonelier I felt. All I was, was the young pregnant girl, so all I became was a young pregnant girl. In my mind, the only thing I had for sure was this baby. This baby was the solution to all of my problems.

I was nearly seven months along when I gave up the dream of us getting back together. Wasn’t this God telling us that we weren’t supposed to part? As I contemplated the life I grew up in with a struggling uneducated mother, I couldn’t help but feel I had a cruel destiny ahead. I watched families with babies every where I went and I found myself yearning. I was told she was a girl and this destiny became unbearably real. Mothers told me they would live in a box on the street before they ever gave up their child. But this box was real, and I didn’t want her to grow up in it.

I decided I would just take a look at adoption. I didn’t know much about it and after learning about the process I decided to look at profiles of hopeful parents. When I wasn’t at the hospital for my health, or at class for my financial investments, I was reading profiles of perspective adoptive families.

After a lot of thought and prayer I decided I wanted to meet one family that stood out to me among the thousands. The moment I met them I knew it was right.

The day she was born I thought my heart would explode with love. I never knew I could love someone so much and so deep. When the time came three days later for me to give her to them, I just couldn’t do it. I dragged me feet and cried and whaled. How could I do this? How could I hand my heart to someone else? It was the hardest day of my life.

She is turning six years old this week. I see her about twice a year or whenever I’m in her state or she is in mine. She calls me on my birthday and I on hers. She sometimes writes me random emails or texts me with the help of her mom. She has an older sister and a younger brother and a life that most six year olds dream about.

I don’t braid her hair or make her cookies. I don’t sing her to sleep or take her to school. But I am a mom to her nonetheless and she will always have my heart.

And as for me, I’m now married (no not to him, but he found someone else too) and as happy as ever. We haven’t started our family yet but I know when the time comes that the love is inside of me, because I am already a mom.

From Anonymous.(If you have questions for the author, she let me know I can share her email address.)

Note from Design Mom: throughout my pregnancy, I’ve been posting advice, memories and stories about pregnancy, childbirth, adoption and growing a family on Wednesdays. I just had my baby and am taking a blogging break for a week or so. I’ve received so many wonderful stories and thought it would be great to post as many as I can during this little “maternity leave.” You can find all the stories in this series by clicking here.

55 Comments

thank you for sharing this story…. everyday we are so very grateful that our childrens birth mothers choose us and are a part of our lives. i wouldn’t be a mom without brave women like you… wishing you all the best ~ xo, jenny

Sherri

I am an adopted person who is eternally grateful to my birth mother for giving me the life I have. I hope she is happy (back in the ’70s, adoptions were not open). Thanks for sharing this story. Brave. Self-less. Sad and beautiful story all at once. I’m glad you see your “heart” now and then. What a nice relationship.

Melanie

As a hopeful adoptive mommy, your story really struck a chord with me. You (and every mother like you who has gone through a similar experience) take my breath away with your selflessness and love. What a beautiful, beautiful story. Thank you for sharing.

Amy3

Miriam Ward

I just wanted to thank you for writing this and for your beautiful heart. One thing that I am sorry to say I had no perspective on before I started to research adoption was the depth of grace and sacrifice of birth mothers. It seems so obvious, but stories like yours help me to really appreciate what it might be like. I’m looking forward to adding to our family through adoption, and I hope as we do that I never take the generosity (or the pain) of the birth mother for granted.
Thanks for your story. Your daughter is deeply blessed to have you as a mom.

Becca

So many stories have been shared from adoptive moms since you started these posts, Gabi, including mine. I’m so so glad that this side of adoption was shared too. This is a beautiful, touching story. Thank you, Gabi, and to the writer as well.

Annie

Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story. I am both an adoptee and an adoptive mom, and I give thanks every day for my birthmom and my son’s Tummy Mummy. I hope that the open adoption you so lovingly planned with your daughter’s adoptive parents has given you peace and joy amidst the pain. I know it must be hard to be an active part in her life sometimes and witness your sacrifice, but rest assured that each time you visit her, write her, talk with her, you are giving your daughter the gift of knowing your love.

Louise

I’ve been waiting for a birth story from a birth mom. This is perfection itself. I’ve seen lots of moms who weren’t ready or committed choose to mother b/c of social pressures…you know, the ones who would “rather live on a box on the street than give up my baby.”

Sarah

This is by far the most beautiful birth story I’ve ever heard. You are and will always be, a mother. You already have experienced something that all parents need to learn: how to be selfless and give every part of yourself for your child. God bless you!

Apis Melliflora

I love my birth mom and my adoptive mom with all my heart. I feel blessed to have those wonderful women in my life. You and your daughter will have a special relationship, like no other. Keep loving her!

naomi

Thank you so much for posting this. We adopted our first child and we have a wonderful relationship with her to this day. She is one of the most unselfish people I know, and I am honored to call her my friend. And she is my hero. We have had two more children after our son, and she treats them as family also. I tell her we should be the poster family for adoption because it made all of us a family. God has blessed us richly. I am forever grateful for the sacrifice she made to give us our son.

naomi

Design Mom: Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this side of motherhood. Anonymous: Your courage and sacrifice go beyond measure. I can relate to so much of your story and my heart aches for your loss. Thank you for sharing so poignantly and honestly. I pray that when you and your husband have children you will find that raising them brings you unimaginable bliss and joy.

Ivy

Thanks for sharing your story. That would be the hardest thing but I greatly respect your decision and ability to recognize that adoption was the right thing to do for your little one at that point in your life.

I’m also a mom in open adoption. I have two children and they each have a set of birth parents.

This post strikes a chord with me because it’s very similar to what my daughter’s first mom has told me about her path to open adoption. I’m glad that your daughter knows how deep your love for her is, and has always been.

I have three adopted nieces and nephews and it was harrowing and painful on their end for all three babies. I’m so grateful for women like you who make the ultimate sacrifice of handing over babies. Amazed.

Rebecca

Thank you, anonymous, for sharing your story, and thank you, DesignMom, for including an alternative birth story in this collection. It seems like so many of these stories simply reinforce a very particular idea of what constitutes a “birth,” or a “family,” when there are so many beautiful–and difficult–variations to acknowledge.

I have enjoyed every single story of this series, but as an adoptee, this one touches me deeply and profoundly. The decision to give up a child for adoption is often viewed cruelly, as if it were a selfish choice, when in reality it is the most selfless decision a mother might make. It is a decision that I wish all those MTV kids on “16 and Pregnant” could begin to comprehend. To know and understand that you could offer your child a better life with someone else is profound and utterly heartwrenching.

I’m a mother of a two year old and I was reunited with my birth mom a year after my son was born. I was able to gladly say “Thank you” not only for giving me a chance to have life and not be aborted, but also I got to see that by me being with another family, it gave her a chance too.

Susanna

Suzanne

Beautiful! Thanks to those birth mothers who have the selfless-love every mother needs to help her children become the best they can be. Through your selfless gift you gave birth both to your daughter and to the motherhood of her adoptive mom. Yes, you accomplished something very beautiful! God bless all of you.

Thanks for sharing this! I know this story all too well. I’m a birthmom. I’m happy for this birthmom for sharing her story and to see the positives of adoption, not only in her life but in her birthdaughter’s life, as well.

Thank you for posting this inspiring story. We would love to re-post this story on http://www.hopingtoadopt.org. Would it be possible for us to contact “Anonymous” for permission to re-post her story? We would be happy to link the post to designmom.com. Thanks!

Diana

I am an adoptive grandparent. Our daughters son is a joy in our life. We know is birth mother and thank her always for the joy she has given our entire family. Our grandson will love both of his mothers because his adoptive mother loves his birth mother. Thank you all for the gift of life you add to our families.