What specific barriers are apt to hinder a conversation? Experts in interpersonal
communication like Carl Rogers, Reuel Howe, Haim Ginott, and Jack Gibb have pinpointed responses
that tend to block conversation. More recently,
Thomas Gordon devised a comprehensive list that he calls the "dirty dozen" of
communication spoilers. These undesirable responses include:

Criticizing: Making a negative evaluation of
the other person, her actions, or attitudes. :You brought it on yourselfyouve
got nobody else to blame for the mess you are in."

Name-calling: "Putting
down" or stereotyping the other person "What a dope!" "Just like a
woman " "Egghead." "You hardhats are all alike." "You
are just another insensitive male."

Diagnosing: Analyzing why a person is
behaving as she is; playing amateur psychiatrist. "I can read you like a
bookyou are just doing that to irritate me." "Just because you went to
college, you think you are better than I."

Praising Evaluatively: Making a positive
judgment of the other person, her actions, or attitudes. "You are always such a good
girl, I know you will help me with the lawn tonight." Teacher to teenage student:
"You are a great poet." (Many people find it difficult to believe that some of
the barriers like praise are high-risk responses. I believe repeated use of these
responses can be detrimental to relationships.)

Ordering: Commanding the other person to do
what you want to have done. "Do your homework right now." "Why?! Because I
said so ."

Threatening: Trying to control the
others actions by warning of negative consequences that you will instigate.
"Youll do it or else ." "Stop that noise right now or I will
keep the whole class after school."

Moralizing: Telling another person what she
should do. "Preaching" at the other. "You shouldnt get a divorce;
think of what will happen to the children." "You ought to tell him you are
sorry."

Excessive/Inappropriate Questioning:
Closed-ended questions are often barriers in a relationship; these are those that can
usually be answered in a few wordsoften with a simple yes or no. "When did it
happen?" "Are you sorry that you did it?"

Advising: Giving the other person a solution
to her problems. "If I were you, Id sure tell him off." "Thats
an easy one to solve. First ."

Logical argument: Attempting to convince the
other with an appeal to facts or logic, usually without consideration of the emotional
factors involved. "Look at the facts; if you hadnt bought that new car, we
could have made the down payment on the house."

Reassuring: Trying to stop the other person
from feeling the negative emotions she is experiencing. "Dont worry, it is
always darkest before the dawn." " It will all work out OK in the end."