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Thursday, July 2, 2009

It’s Fourth of July. You wake up in plenty of time to watch #41 Joey Chestnut fucking dominate. Obviously you started drinking. The party starts at 6 which gives you roughly 8 hours of good #35 pregaming action. By the time the 5th hour rolls around one of your bros (the bitch one) passes out. Fuck him - you’re not a fucking bitch so you keep drinking. It’s fucking time for the party. The slam pieces start to roll in. You are a fucking mess but you are a drinking pro so you keep it together. This one slam piece is fucking into you. You are gonna get laid, there’s only one problem – she wants to go out to the bars. You realize, on your 11th hour of drinking that you are on the verge of passing out/having a night abortion. You also realize you will get ass if you go out. As the 11 hours of drinking start to take over your body, you drag your non-responsive limbs to the fridge much like 007 dragged his motionless body to his car trying to jumpstart his heart in “Casino Royale.” You knock over all the shit in the fridge and then you see it – its as though the Refrigerator lights are sent from heaven beaming down on it. The last 16 ounce Red Bull. There will be no night abortion after all – just the opportunity for a regular one.

Bros fucking love energy drinks. Mixing uppers and downers is the shit. Anyone that tries to tell you Red Bull is bad for your heart is a fucking bro hater. Many times people will ask bros how exactly they were able to drink for 14 hours straight without eating, they will inevitably reply, “I mean, fuck, I had like 4 Red Bulls, I was straight.” Bros love chugging Red Bulls, Monsters, or for lesser bros Rock Stars, but what bros love more than anything is mixing their energy drinks with booze.

Red Bull Vodka – The original. Still always a fucking winner in my book. Bros always know which bars have the best RBV deals and you better believe they load up on that shit. Anytime you aren’t in the mood to go #29 grind on some random slam piece at the bar – you go fucking get in the mood by crushing a couple of these. Sure you might not be able to sleep that night, but who needs sleep when you are slaying mad tail.

Jagerbombs – Now I know when all you fucking Anonymouses out there saw this you immediately went to the comments section to post that this is Guido shit. Well I agree with you – it was Guido shit, until the “My New Haircut” video. After that video bros everywhere were making fun of Guidos by yelling out “Jagerbomb! Jagerbomb!” non-stop. Of course this led to the purchase of countless Jagerbombs just to be fucking hilarious, thus causing all the bros to quote that video for the rest of the night.

The Bro Hater – Who the fuck would want to drink something called a Bro Hater? Bros – that’s fucking who. I only call it this because it’s the heart attack special. This refers to every group of bros’ crazy fucking concoction that no slam piece would ever dare drink. It’s loaded up with so much alcohol and energy that by having just one you are fucked up for the rest of the night. For my bros – our mix is called “The Cocaine Cocktail.” Our Big Guy introduced this to us and he’s the only one who has had more than one in a night. It starts out pretty innocent – with a Slurpee. Then you add the Red Bull. Big fucking deal right? Hold on. You’re gonna need some booze so lets go with about 5 shots of Everclear and just to top it all off crush up at least 3 No-Doze pills and boom – you are set for the night.

I know all you bros out there have your own Bro-Haters and I’m getting thirsty just thinking about them. I want to try something new this weekend so let me fucking know.

49 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Try this one. 151, Malibu Rum, Everclear and Red Bull. The shits deadly, and the coconut in the Malibu entices slam pieces to partake... I like to call it "The Night Cap". Fuck the bar, the panties hit the floor before you even leave the brotel.

NYB-I love the preemptive disclaimers you typed up to all the inevitable bro-haters out there. What the fuck NYB do they congregate and have yearly meetings around the 4th? Don't the know it is known as Bropendence Day? Anyway what a simple yet so true post. The main reason true Bros need energy drinks is not that we lack original energy (so calm down all you bromos) it is because we start drinking earlier than 99% of the population and keep drinking later than 99.9% of the population. Sorry bro I don't have a fancy energy creation to add here, but as you know true bros love shotgunning brews, and I am proud to say I have taken that concept and applied it to Red Bulls. I like it to call it a Bullshot. I can't say I have ever tried Heroin but I'd like to imagine it's similar. Bros are the shit.

Bro Haters' favorite Bro Hater mix is called "I hate my life." It consists of a single ingredient, straight Everclear, and invariably ends in death and/or blindness. I highly recommend it to anyone from New Jersey and every other burrow not named Manhattan.

When I'm going to drink my share of Mojitos in a night, I fancy stopping by my favorite coffee house and having a couple of double-espressos. Afterwards I'm ready to drink cosmopolitans until the sun goes down.

If there is one essential ingredient that will turn any “bro hater” concoction into pure bro-phoria it’s the camelbak. Not only can you pound your booze, but you can do it with no hands, leaving you free to chant, play with fire, and grind all up on some slam pieces. Additional bro-cred is awarded for running the tube through your fly and having bras drink from it.

My favorite Bro Hater is Tucker Death Mix- Red Bull, Everclear, and Gatorade. Gotta have those electrolytes- you might be wide awake, but you don't wanna collapse right before the finish line. I also like to crush up a One A Day in that shit, 'cause you gotta get your nutrients somehow, and there's no room for food in a stomach that is constantly filled with beer.

All these listed drinks are gay. When I want to mix uppers and downers I do it the old fashioned way; with a bottle of whiskey and a bag of coke. No bro would go to some sweaty guido den just because they had a "sweet deal" on "RBV"'s, and last time I checked 7-11 is quite possibly the furthest thing from the bar that I have ever been to.

The Force- get a big trash can and empty all into it: 1 keg natty, 3 cases of energy drink that your bro reps for, 20 frozen lemonade concentrates, 5 handles Everclear, 5 handles vodka. WOOF, stir it all up with a stick or your arm

but when that is not available, any of the above concoctions would work i suppose - def work alot better through a funnel though (bong to all you bro haters - any true bro knows there is only one kind of bong...) - who has time to sift through the garbage (ice) to get to all that delicious BRO-syrum?? not me buddy

also, never tried it, but a few bro-meat-heads i know from the gym tell me that before working out, they take 3 red bulls, 3 scoops of NO-Xplode, and 3 shots of vodka, mix it up and go get thier lift on - sounds real savage just go to to the gym, but im sure it works just as well before going to the bar...

Beefeater gin, cheap ass pomegranate vodka, and a shit ton of 151. It tastes like fucking pomegranates so the bras will indulge. The best part is that 'bout time they realize how strong this shit is, it's too late and they hit the fucking floor. Keep sippin' and you won't be far behind either. I call this concoction the "White & Spicy."

BROhemian Rhapsody said it, if you are on a bender and need a fucking pick up there are only three solutions, and a three dollar energy drink isnt one of them. The first thing you do is pick up your broberry and call every fucking drug dealer you know, pick up an 8 ball and blow your face off with all your bros. If you find the coke your brohating drug dealer gave you is mostly baking soda and animal tranqs, then top it off with some adderall. sure your immune system and internal organs will be fucked, but bros dont give a fuck about that...bros are rich as shit and if they find themselves internally fucked down the road they can just get surgery...boom, now you have a brand new organ to fuck up.If all else fails pour noxplode down your throat and chase it with keg beer

my drink is the Cocaine Jager BombIt's simple, you get a Cocaine Energy Drink, and drop a shot of jager in it and chug. I had one of those at about 9:30, went out, started playing beer pong, and that's the last thing i remember. Blacked out the rest of the night, puked in my dorm hallway and took a shit next to the toilet in the bathroom. Not in it, next to it.

seeing peeps. right you fucking are. cocains energy drinks are a bros best friend, where else can you find the energy of about 4 redbulls in one can, mix that with some tequila and you got the recipe for a great ass night

Liquid Cocaine mofo's... 151 Jaeger and Peppermint Schnapps's. Tell bra's it's "equal parts," but it's more like half 151 and quarters of the rest, tastes like a frickin' Peppermint, and guaranteed to get you fitshaced if you serve it like a reg drink, or serve like shots and bras will keep coming for that shit. I don't fuck with coke but you Al Pacibro types you can guess what to add into the mix.

one time when i was in oc maryland for a night i was so wasted i couldnt stand up from the couch. i had been drinking since about 10:30am. and it was around 11 at night. But luckily we knew the red bull girl. so my bro calls here up she brings a case and brings them over to me. we shotgun 4 of them and then i was back in the game. energy drinks are awesome

HOW BOUT THIS ONE, I KNOW YOU ALL HAVE HEARD OR IRISH CAR BOMB, HOW BOUT A TRUCK BOMB (1/2 PITCHER GUINESS AND AND 3 SHOTS OF JAMESON AND 3 BAILEYS) OR THE 18 WHEELER (1/2 A BUCKET OF GUINESS AND A 12 OZ CUP OF THE OTHER TWO) I HAVE ONLY SEEN THIS ONE DONE ONCE AND IT DIDNT GO TO WELL

1 word. case-of-sparks-plus. Energy drink and ice-beer, until the bro-hater that is illinois made it illegal. And that makes bros dangerous for still finding places that sell it. Slam pieces love that shit

its called sploosh; handle of everclear mixed with 1 gallon of sunny d, 1 can of pineapple mango juice, 5 16oz redbulls or mountain dew amp energy drinks, and 3 scoops of creatine (N.O. shotgun, fruit punch flavor). After 1 cup you cant even taste the alcohol and your guaranteed to black out but party all night

Yo I got three, first is sparks/joose. The second is blood juice; which is one forty, gotta go with either steel reserve or olde english high grav(cause I am a bro and I love getting fucked up), drank down to the top of the label, preferably chugged, one packet of Kool-aide and then fill the Forty back up with wine, usually something boxed like Franzia. Now you as a bro might ask yourself why you should have kool-aid or boxed wine around your bro-pad and that is because a) koolaid makes good alcoholic mixed drinks b) having wine makes bros look classy. Both of which are certifiably proven to make bitches wet.

Finally my favorite the energy strikeout where you snort an adderall, take a 5 hour energy and then chug a redbull.

We have Vodka Rockstars in Canada, but like you said, Rockstars are for lesser bros... UNLESS you add more liquor. Me and one of my bros stayed up til 7am drinking that shit on a Wednesday. We put back atleast 12 each and a 26oz bottle of Jager and walked 2miles at 3am looking for an open pizza place, only to end up getting in a fight with 3 mexicans. drove to work the next morning and ironically crushed a redbull.