Cougar, cutting her claws on the back of change

Demi Moore married actor Ashton Kucher when she was 42 and he was 27. Madonna, now 50-years-old is dating Brazilian model Jesus Luz, only 22.

Sexual tourism

Bethan, lives in southern England on the same street as her best friend Allie. They are on their first holiday to Kenya, a country they say is “Just full of big young boys who like us older girls.”

Flashing a dazzling smile and built like an Olympic basketball star, the 22-year-old said he has slept with more than 100 white women, most of them 30 years his senior. – Reuters

Bar fly

“They work out like I do. Guys my age are fat and gross. I want the total package. I deserve the total package. I want hot and funny.”

This is what society handed me,” said Spuehler, chatting on a recent Thursday night. “I thought when I was in my 20s, I would find somebody and have a beautiful life with him and have children.” Exit the husband. Enter the fawning young men. – Denver Post

She doesn’t need you

I have sat on the topic of cougars for a long time, simply because there seemed to be something moving in the background of deeper understanding. There appeared to be more and all I was seeing was the fin above the surface, not the shark creating it.

Recently and for reasons I still don’t understand, I have been meeting and talking to quite a few women who are older than me, very fit, financially independent, and extremely intelligent. I was sure this type of woman was new, I had been out of the states for over 8 years, and the gradual warming of the pot didn’t blind me to such changes like it did for most men.

I stuck my tongue into my cheek and thought, something is odd here, where did all these older powerful sexy women come from? and the term cougar?? I hadn’t heard it before I left the states 8 years earlier. Why is it so common now? Is something changing in the US, and possibly around the world?

Above are some interesting indicators of change: Demigoddesses of hollywood are fearlessly displaying younger men. Female sexual tourism is shockingly in the news. Your local bar has a few new members, unabashed about what they want. These signs appear insignificant but I am convinced they represent something much larger.

While talking to a writer friend yesterday, we hit upon something that we couldn’t see independently. (She of course is single, fit, beautiful, intelligent and ten years older than I am) “I know what you mean, something deeper is happening here.” We continued to explore until we excitingly struck some pay dirt.

Wanna know what it is? Women are making more money, they are getting divorced sooner (because they CAN), they are fit and body conscious, they look younger, they are powerful, and they feel less and less tethered to men. To put it simply, the 30+ year old woman NO LONGER FEELS SHE NEEDS A MAN.

Now some of you might be thinking,“That is no revelation because I don’t need a man either,” (add pissy head wobble) could women honestly say this 10 years ago? 20? I would argue that this has snuck up on the western world and it’s implications are much larger than you can imagine. I believe this is the second stage of the feminist movement, this is the seizing of real power by millions and millions of successful women. This is a leveling of the playing field that we have only been seeing in the last ten years. AND it is potentially very terrifying or incredibly exciting for millions and millions of men.

The younger man

When I was a competitive swimmer in high school we delightfully trained coed. Interestingly, in the water women are nearly physically equivalent to men and often faster in long distance. So, I shouldn’t have been so upset when a new girl was a stronger swimmer than I. If it were a guy, my tender young ego would only be bruised, but a girl? This was too much for me since it not only threatened my ego but my masculinity.

I believe this is why we have derogatory terms like cougar. I believe it is a name slapped on older, successful women to degrade their success and protect male masculinity. The fat man in the Lexus is a far more common dinosaur than its freshly evolved equivalent: the mature sexy woman in the convertible mini cooper. This leaves the fit older woman severely lacking her equal, a fit man, at her success level that isn’t threatened by her new status. What does that leave her with?

The younger man isn’t upset that she drives a better car, has a better job, or wants to fuck him better than he has ever been fucked. He looks at this type of woman with stars in his eyes and wood in his pants. She looks at him for what he is, fun, fit, carefree and with a penis that doesn’t need to be fueled by viagra and a shot of whiskey. After all she just got out of a 15 year marriage and she is entering her second 20’s but separate from her 25 year-old prey she is doing it with confidence and a bit o’ cash. She is going to really savor it this time around and AMEN, She deserves it.

Where is this going?

I think it was a wonderful thing when my female nemesis joined the swim team, my initial reaction was poor but soon enough I had to raise my own game. I trained harder got faster and developed a crazy attraction to this girl. I became better because of her, but cultural standards of sexual inequality made me initially bitter. I think this is what this second feminist movement is about to face, a confused angry resistance to their success. A childlike lashing out against their new found power. Powerful single women over thirty need to be prepared for this masculine insecurity, younger women need to be aware of the ring they are about to enter.

Make no mistake, power is transferring and just like the US bitching and moaning about China, most men won’t see this as a positive. This is where the new woman needs to hold her ground and weather the inevitable storm. She needs to let the term cougar be one of power, ignoring the blatherings of the fat man stuck in his Lexus. She needs to embrace that she is the vehicle of change not only for her daughters but for her sons that eventually will have to step up to the plate and embrace this new woman.

I adore the new cougar and I want nothing more than to watch her cut her claws on the back of change.

68 Responses to “Cougar, cutting her claws on the back of change”

Comments

A great benefit for a younger guy seeing a cougar is, as you’ve mentioned, that she doesn’t feel like she NEEDS a man. The pressure guys often feel to commit is seriously relaxed with a lot of older women. In the past, I’ve discussed with friends how dating a girl between the ages of 27 and 35 is extremely dangerous because this the “desperately looking for hubby” phase of life. Before 27, it seems women don’t feel the pressure as much, and after 35 or so, they’ve taken a more relaxed attitude toward dating.

I also love how aggressive older women are. Afterall, the gazelle does not stalk the cougar.

I will back up what you say above. I can’t stress enough how off putting it can be to meet women 27-33. Sure there are exceptions but the majority are wearing constantly ringing biological alarm clocks around their necks.

Opps! Should have known better. Although, I think you will find that it is all relative. The excitement for me is that there are more and more extremely intelligent women out there that we find attractive.
Such a wonderful thing.

^I totally disagree with that statement. For one thing, it’s way too general. That would be like saying that any woman that is into her man automatically wants his baby. That’s just the beginning of the story.
For many women, myself included, there is NO reason whatsoever to get married again, or even once, and more reasons NOT TO.

I actually think now more then ever (being the last 10 years) women are running around NEEDING A MAN. Or at lest telling themselves this. Is this why they go for younger guys, I don’t know, maybe. Again, I’m far from being a cougar (well at depending on the age) I think we have past the point of women trying to unhook from men, of some type of sexual revolution. Women had that, and that is over. We’ve already been conditioned to believe we don’t need a man. But now WE (they) want them! They need that man (no matter what his age) and any woman is lying if she says she doesn’t.
.-= Lost Plum´s last blog ..You, Me, and the Stump equals three! =-.

Um, hello? Please do not speak for ALL women. I am a 43 year old woman who was married for 17 years. The last thing I need or want is another husband. I am financially independent, I am fit, and I am having the best time of my life! I have dated men aged 25 to 45 and have enjoyed all of them. BUT, the thing the younger men have going for them is….drum roll please….stamina. If and when I am ready to settle down again, it will most likely be with someone closer to my age, but for now, I’m a happy cougar!

Suzie Q
as a 36 year old man I have to admit I am kinda curious about the stamina thing. I don’t seem to be any different than when I was 18 besides masturbating a whole lot less.
I attribute this to exercise and general perversion. What would you attribute it to?

Well, honestly, the comment about stamina was kind of tongue and cheek. In my experience the issue of stamina doesn’t really become a factor until a man reaches his 40’s, and even then, it depends on the guy’s lifestyle, habits, and sex drive. For me the most sexually compatible men have been between the ages of 35 and 40. That has definitely been the “sweet spot” for me. The younger guys are fun for a night or two, but if you can’t relate on a cerebral level, the heat can fizzle out pretty quickly. I would suggest dating a few older women (early to mid 40’s), if you haven’t already, you could be in for a real treat. 😉

I have dated a few women in that particular sweet spot and I have found sexually the are different. Although, I imagine they are like men the same age, either sexual adept and open or… they are stuck in a pattern and quite lousy in bed.

Ah… LP, how old are you again? Not to mention you are in NY a place where there is a bit of a glut of decent men. (let me restate that, decent men willing to commit)

I think women long ago have learned to unhook from men but only recently has it actually been happening physically. This is purely financially driven, in the recent past it simply couldn’t happen.

I have seen this trend in Asia as well, where the male domination of the culture has created a massive level of frustration for women over 30. This has resulted in marriage rates dropping radically because these professional women, (although paid over a 1/3 less than men) would rather be lower middle class than suffer the tyranny of the typical japanese male.

As A 31y/o Woman Let Me Just Say, *I’m Sooo Proud Of YOU! WoW!* Most Men Won’t Admit Or Consider Women Being Their Equal Even Though As You Clearly Point Out, They Do Exist! Being Raised By A Single Parent Actually My gma Which Was A Devout Catholic Which Was A Contradiction 2 Begin with. I Was Raised 2 Respect & Honor Men Wait On Them Hand & Foot Yet Only If They Were Worthy, Deserving Of It. I Wait For Patiently For My #Dear Future Husband But If By The Time I’m 40 He Doesn’t Step Up I’m Goin 2 Enjoy Life 2 The Fullest! Until Then I Work My A$$ Off 2 Build My *Dowry* =D. Bravo!! Mike BRAVO!!! This Is OutStanding, Revolutionary <—Which I Know Shouldn't Be! You Have Seen The Light! Now Shine It Upon The Rest Of The World! })i({

For years older men have divorced or left their wives to be with younger prettier woman. I mean we’ve all seen stories like that. The 45 year old man that leaves his wife of 20 years to date some leggy 22 year old idiot. I think woman just realized it was okay for them to do it too. Instead of feeling like they have to settle with someone their own age because soceital norms dictate that. These cougars realized well if my ex-husband can marry someone 20 years younger than him, why can’t I?

Which isn’t to say that these woman don’t realize they don’t need a man either. I live in the south where being female and single at 25 is synonymous with being a spinster. The looks of pity i get from women when i say i’m single are enough for me to punch a puppy. But I realized along time ago that I don’t need a man to be valued as a person. And i refuse to let societal norms dictate my worth as person on whether i have a man or not. I think cougars finally caught up to that. Now if the rest of the south could catch up to that i’d be really grateful.
.-= Elissa´s last blog ..Do You Know the Muffin Man? =-.

*Grumbles* still single, and no on the puppy. I’ll just wait for one of my dogs to do something wrong (like get in the trash) and then just kick them.

I dunno, women can be quite shallow. I’m not a super model but the last 3 times i went out to the bar/club I couldn’t find a single guy in there i would sleep with (based on looks alone). Granted, i also think dating in the south is different than anywhere else in the US (I’m probably wrong on that).
.-= Elissa´s last blog ..Do You Know the Muffin Man? =-.

Hmmmmmm,totally disagree on the Michigan comment.Im 32(will be 33,in June)and Im from Michigan.Im”still”absolutely gorgeous(yes I said it).I dont know who”they”are you are referring to.All Michiganders,dont smoke,and or eat KFC.I dont.I live in Texas now,and Its not like everyone under the age of 20,is so beautiful here either.It has nothing to do with what state you live in.You have the “hotties,and the notties”everywhere.You are excused.

Hahaha!! Yes, of course you are right and this is more just me being a bratty shit head. Not to mention poking fun of myself and good friends here (I was born here). It seems to be more a function of exposure than location.
I am in Manistee MI. right a tiny little city currently up in arms about the smoking ban instituted in may. This city could be anywhere and I know that.
Forgive my bratty generalizations.

I know you are right about it having nothing to do with the state you are living in. I think my problem is i have been either living in town where the population is mostly older (54% of the last town I lived in was over 45) or in college towns where I’m not slutty enough to get guys attention (not to mention in my master program, so the undergrads think i’m some sort of genius). I think my location thus far hasn’t been conducive to finding the right guy for me. Maybe i should move to an army base.
.-= Elissa´s last blog ..Most Wonderful Time of the Year =-.

Wow, after actually this past weekend having had my first “cougar” experience it is quite amazing this article comes out.
To Lost Plum, I do NOT NEED A MAN, and I have known that for years. I am a single mother of two girls and I preach to them consistently that they do not NEED a man. They are strong women and can do anything they want. There is a huge difference between NEED and WANT.
What it really came down to and its typical with the older male/younger woman thing also.. FLATTERY…. Come on people, you cant tell me that it doesn’t boost your ego to know that some hot young thing wants YOU.
In my case, he is a 20 yr old Marine, so you can figure he is hot as hell and he wanted ME… I am an average chick for the most part, I have my flaws. However, as I said it comes down to flattery.. He made me feel like the most beautiful woman alive, just from talking. I had no illusions at all that this was a great love affair. Its plain and simple, LUST. Women want the hot younger guys just as men want the sexy younger girls. I was really freaked out by the age difference, but I let go of all inhibitions and reservations of being an older woman and had a great weekend rocking a younger guys world. So for all, it could be love match, and if it is, more power to you. If not, take what comes at you and have fun.

Regarding the cougar bit…as long as woman plays her roll, meaning she is open, receptive, soft, loving, nurturing and yes…stronger than him, I see no reason why age should matter while dating at all. Do what you like. Love who you like. Just make sure everyone feels good in the process.

But regarding those women who say or think, or like to say they think, they don’t need a man. GTFOH!
When a woman claims that she doesn’t need a man, the real issue is, THAT WOMAN DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO BE A WOMAN. Period.
I understand how this happens and why we really believe it. I’m currently a single mom, by choice. I get it. Most of us have been treated badly by men, we claim to have been done wrong and abused. And to those of us who were strong enough to realize that we are not victims and we have LET ourselves get played or hurt, we often make changes to prevent future heartbreak. The problem occurs when we take that too far and turn cold, demanding or distant.
As far as I’m concerned, a woman should make everything better and warmer.

And I’m not placing blame. I’m a recovering woman with baggage and attitude.
For women who, warranted or not, make accusations, raise their voice, withhold love and affection, or hide their sexuality, learning how to honor your innate feminine qualities can go a long way.

Women have become so damn resistant to men (likely for good reason), that we’ve created a perpetual state of push & pull. Where the f*ck is the team work? A team can’t work very well if each member doesn’t play their role. And the bottom line is, when men or women think they don’t need each other, they have likely lost faith in the power of a perfectly placed team…the yin and the yang.

Below is a perfect example at how women have endless opportunities to make situations run smoothly and efficiently in a relationship….and by holding a feeling of resistance, instead of teamwork, we often screw up the opportunity to create warmth.

Ok seriously?????
What your saying is I do not know how to be a woman because I do not think I need a man????
IDK, maybe I am out of the norm here, or maybe my definition of need is different than others.
For me a need is something I have to have to survive, such as food, water, oxygen.. I do not need a man to live.
Do I want one? YES. Because I do want the yin and yang in life, I do want someone I can lean on and share things with.
Yes, I have been burned anyone who has ever loved another has, but I do not let that cloud my judgement against others. I have not lost my faith in a team. I do not harbor any feelings of resistance.

I do think that some of the disagreement here is over semantics and the need to feel separate and powerful from the opposite sex.

I think that you are right, once we come full circle and feel a level of true confidence we realize that we were designed to be completed by the opposite sex and are never truly fulfilled without that connection.

I think this is part of the continuous maturation of the human species. Once we drop the push and pull and team up we can find something so much greater.

When I saw you were posting on “cougars” I was nervous… but this post was actually not what I expected (and that’s a good thing!)

I have some decades before I could even consider being a cougar, but I will say this: I struggle with labels in general. I think we do everyone a disservice when we put people (and ourselves) in boxes. While these older women are independent in many ways, it saddens me that they dumb down everything they’ve accomplished into the cougar sterotype.

I find it odd that these women wrap their identities around the men that they’re attracted to. I date tall men, but I dont run around introducing myself as a “tree climber” or something….

Glad you liked the swim team analogy, i was so in love with that girl! but most likely I got faster just so I could follow as closely as possible “behind” her. (speedos are really no fun with an erection, not to mention the awful drag it creates!)

One of the reasons I haven’t written this post sooner is because kinda hated the term cougar. (although, in playful teasing I will use it, for example if I am older than the girl)

It took a little while to dawn on my why this was a derogatory term and where it came from. I want to explore this more but I think we have a good start so far!

Good post… very fairly written. Personally, I am torn on the topic of cougars. Here is why:

1) They intimidate me.
They are like me, only more mature, more wealthy and more confident and I can not do anything to compete except AGE. (And dear God please let me age well…)

2) They are competition.
They are seeking out the same age group as I am. It’s hard enough to “find a boyfriend” or any stable partner really when the competition has had their kids and (mostly) just wants to play around. If anything, it’s only worsening the Peter Pan syndrome to which my male counterparts seem lost.

3) They are one-dimensional
Media has done its best to make a mockery of this group but a lot of the responsibility falls on their own shoulders. Much like the now-hated “belligerent feminist” archetype, cougars are so open and “ra-ra look at me!” about their lifestyles that people immediately discount it. It’s basically female chauvinism and glorified objectification of men.

Bottom line: These women should do what makes them happy BUT as a young, single woman, I’d like a better role model than this.
.-= Miss Alpha´s last blog ..Miss Alpha does the Future =-.

I really like your reply on this. However, I have a few things for you to think about on this.

Intimidation) If anyone in life can intimidate you, it is only because you let them.
I am not wealthy, and quite honestly probably not more mature. I am confident though but that is something you have to achieve on your own, no one can help you with this.

Competition) Majority rules on this one, most older women are not seeking younger men. Myself included. But yes, I did just “play around” It just happened and as far as mine went it was purely sexual. I can give you his number if you like, he is great guy and any girl will be lucky to have him!!

One-dimensional) Personally, I don’t consider myself a “Cougar”, I prefer men my age or older. Society is the demon that rules me a cougar.
As for being a role model, I am as honest about my mistakes as I am my good choices. Any decision you make has a 50/50 chance of being a screw up. Even role models make mistakes.

You probably don’t need to worry too much. In all honesty, young guys LOVE cougars, but in a different way than young guys like women their own age or younger. Putting aside Masterdater’s Demi Moore example, most younger guys probably would not commit to a cougar, let alone marry one. Then again, that isn’t really what the cougar is looking for from a younger man.

So yes, while younger guys love an older woman for a fling, they aren’t serious competition in the dating/husband pool.

JB totally agree with you on the commitment thing but I would argue that, THAT is exactly what the cougar wants as well. Kinda a win/win but like Alpha says it does increase peter pan syndrome but what are you gonna do?

I agree with you that the “Cougar” is relatively one dimensional and it’s counter part the “Manther” I don’t have a ton of respect for. (but maybe I am one?)

I think this is just a stepping stone for this type of woman, she finds herself single after years of marriage, she has a little money and she wants to re-explore her 20’s. I would imagine that most of them will tire of this and explore more healthy options shortly.

I am not meaning to put the cougar forth as a role model I only want to point to them as a fascinating indicator of change. Women, acting like men. Interesting stuff no???

I really feel bad for some of these older woman. I’m 24, fit, good looking and have no problem getting woman my own age. I dabble “in” a cougar once in a while, but also feel their kind of pathetic. They think they are liberated and progressive, but tend to just be whores trolling a bar or club. I have a buddy who “dates” errr… bangs this woman who is 36 and twelve years older. When ever we are out as friends and she joins us out, we kind of laugh at her. He gets so pissed at us because she will grill him on it later, as he is just there to get in and get out. So, ladies keep on Cougaring with the free hand outs, we’ll take them and keep laughing at you!

Although I have all the criteria to be, and live the lifestyle of a ‘cougar’ I am not one, much to the dismay of many young men on some of the dating sites I’m on. One of the reasons why, is the thought of sleeping with someone in my son’s age group boarders on perversion to me. That’s just me. To each his/her own. Another reason is because I don’t feel a man is really worth much until he reaches 40. That seems to be about the age when their priorites really change and they start to look (really look!) at their life and whether they are really happy with it. The main reason why I date guys that are 4-7 years younger than me is that the sex is PHENOMENAL with them. It becomes more about pleasing the woman than their own satisfaction. Or at least that’s what I’ve been lucky enough to find out.

I am hearing over and over again something that the older men need to wake the fuck up and pay attention to!!!

What the hell guys???

I can still lay pipe like I did in my 20’s actually, I am a hell of a lot better in my late 30s!

What is happening to all the older men out there??? are they losing their sex drive because they are having one too many beers and putting on one too many pounds??? Is it stress?? lack of interest in a long term partner?? What???

Ladies I am getting curious as hell since I don’t get to hear the gossip, all I hear is whispering.

What the hell is wrong with the 40 plus guy that they can’t satisfy women in bed and how the hell do we fix the calamity!!??

Like I stated earlier, I am QUITE satisfied by the 40plus guy. But, and this is probably the reason why; I am very picky. Why? Because I CAN BE. I know what I’m bringing to the party and I expect and deserve no less from the guy. Honestly, out of 200 profiles on a dating site, there are usually 2-3 guys I’m even interested in. I have a fun, interesting life with a lot of friends and I’m very active. There is no need for me to settle and why would I? Physical fitness is very important to me, and as we age, that becomes more and more important in connection with great sex. So, I only date men that are physically fit, as well as mentally challenging and interesting. Then, of course there is the fact that if by my age they are still a ‘diamond in the rough’ they are never going to be polished so why bother with them? That’s just a few of the reasons why I always have great dates.

However, what ryan says does have a kernel of truth but only a woman with a very low self esteem would be keep coming back for more from guys like this.

Not only that but rye boy is missing something very crucial. WHO, really is using WHO? an older woman having a sexy young man fuck the hell out of her, jeez, is it just me or is this a no-brainer?

I am sure her and her friends are secretly giggling at the young buck that has no idea who the hunter REALLY is but at least the woman, has the class to be kind.

Reply, Very well stated, Mike. (You should’ve left his typos in)
What the idiot said DOES have more than a kernel of truth to it, which is another reason why I don’t date men 20 years younger. Almost ALL of the guys that have hit on me start out saying they are just attracted to older women, blah blah. But, I have become chat buds with a couple of the smarter ones, and as our convos have progressed, one has admitted that it’s just being able to bag an older woman that keeps him looking for cougars.He’s cute and smart but he hasn’t had much luck so far, so I doubt it is as rampant as reported. He freely admits that he can get plenty of women his age to sleep with him, but they have issues like having kids and wanting a relationship. Perhaps part of the whole ‘year of the cougar’ thing is for bragging rights.

I LOVE it! I would have posted a lot sooner, but my stupid work has blocked your site Not that I whole-heartedly agree with the cougar phenomenon, but the part about 30+ women not NEEDING a man is awesome! I had actually been toying around with a post about this this weekend but decided to shelve it. Speaking as a 31 year old divorced woman with a good career and job, I understand this exact feeling. When I was younger, I wanted a boyfriend so desperately. Now I’ve stepped past that. I’ve got my own job, my own friends and stuff to do. I would LIKE a man in my life (on a certain level), but I certainly don’t NEED one.

As to the cougar thing, I honestly need an intellectual connection and a bit of maturity. I’m quite sick of playing around with the boys. A little experience doesn’t hurt either 😉 I’d also like to argue that women in their early 30s who have been divorced aren’t going to necessarily follow the ‘biological clock around the neck’ thing. And anyway, if I can’t find a man I want to have a baby by 35, I’m heading over to the sperm bank anyway (to go along with your not NEEDING theory) ;p

I think the biological clock thing is a bit of a soft spot and it is generated not only from my own experience but from many other men I have talked to. It is a very “dangerous” age group to be dating from noncommittal guys perspective. This might be slowly bumping to an older and older age due to medical advances. Obviously this isn’t a hard fast rule, only an observation.

Ok kids, so Mike asked me to read this latest post and give it some thought. It’s an interesting topic for discussion. How has our culture with regards to the male/female role in dating changed in the last 20 or so years? Well, I’m not going to do that here. That’s probably a different chapter in the book. However, I will put forth my perspective in the “cougar” debate here.

What strikes me funny is how heated everyone gets talking about this on both sides of the aisle – younger, older, male, female. “Cougar,” “manther” whatever you want to label them – they are the same deal. In our parent’s generation “May/December Romance” was a popular term to denote an older man with a younger woman. Oh, and hey, what about the “trophy” wife? For example, where I live you can’t not swing a dead cat and hit at least four of them. Note: I live in Fairfield County, CT. Google it. I think the word “Stepford” may come up. The point I’m making is this “cougar” thing – not a new phenomenon, it just became popular with Demi, Madonna and women we only know by one name. Is it moral? Is it right? Hell if I know and quite honestly to each his own.

Being in the age bracket of said “cougar,” I will tell you that I don’t go out and prey on younger guys. I just go out with my friends and hang out. (I have some close knit male / female friends age range of 28-50). If I’m out and I meet a guy, great. If we happen to hit if off, fantastic. Some of these guys have been in their 20’s, sure. Some in their 30’s and a very few in their 40’s too. Generally speaking, I don’t usually click with guys my age or older. I have witnessed the “cougar” that negative stereotype that some folks are speaking about. It’s not pretty. It’s silly and embarrassing to those of us who have to watch it go down.

In the instances when I have met younger guys – they have always hit on me. I’m not out there trying to tackle them. And, yeah I’m not going to turn down a HOT, 27-year-old, with 8-pack abs. Not going to apologize for sleeping with him either. Yes, they are fun. That’s about it. Some are dumber than a bucket of rocks. Some are getting their MBA. But don’t misunderstand me, there is no relationship, no dating, no “let’s hang out with my/your friends” Nada. I‘m not buying them dinner either.

I have been in relationships and was even married for 2 years. I have a career that I love, I make my own money and pay my bills – I’m not wealthy. I go to the gym because it’s healthy. I’m taking surfing lessons this summer with some friends because it looks fun. I do this for myself because I have figured out in life where I want to be and what makes me happy. Of course, I don’t need a man. I want a man. It’d be great to share my life with someone. The whole best friend thing blah, blah, blah. But these are two different things as some folks said earlier. Ideally, a guy in his mid/late 30’s works for me. Life experience. They’ve already built their foundation but aren’t too old to be set in their ways. For the most part, they have their shit together (ok, well, not all of them).

Well put. Michele says the same thing I say about fitness, but let me add that the guys that I’ve dated have the bodies (I swear to you!) of 25-30 year old physically fit men. So, here I have a man that is financially set, intelligent, thoughtful, knows how to please a lady and can do in one good, long session what would take a guy in his 20’s 3 times at least. Plus, there would be little mind connection. Gee….tough decision there……

This is such a great post! Well, my friends who have dated younger (not sure what the cougar “cut-off” is…but I’ll guess anything more than 10 years)…do so with the intention of just having fun. Nothing more really, and it never lasts very long. The guys aren’t looking for anything more either. It’s usually been a win-win situation. I do like the idea of evening out the playing field between men who date younger and women who date younger…it’s been a long time coming.

My preference has been older guys, thought I’ve dated younger and older. The older ones seem to have their shit together and know how to communicate better. Communication to me is the most important thing. Even above some great abs…
.-= Kelly Seal´s last blog ..Online dating, I still like you =-.

Wow darling this was really a good post! Being an “occasional” cougar myself, the only thing I can tell you about it is that cougar is not a long term thing. It is fun in the here and now. If I were looking for a real relationship, he certainly wouldn’t be in his 20s. In no way shape or form could a guy that young even begin to understand my season in life nor have enough life experience to be mature as myself.

Older women have the right to date younger men. Older men have the right to date younger women. That’s equality, that’s fine.

But if all equality means is cougars and boy toys (I DO NOT date women who are 20, as many ‘cougars’ my age seem intent on doing with men, err, boys) emulating old farts and trophy wives, is that progress? (by the way, these days it’s MUCH MORE ACCEPTABLE to be a 50-ish ‘cougar’ than a 50 year old guy like me who likes to date women in their 30’s).

If it means more focus on ‘I’m the complete package’ merely because I look good physically, then no, it ain’t progress either, unless people think superficiality and narcissism are big pluses…… See More

Cougars are completely ‘acceptable’ – but is it progress? is it progress if women start objectifying men based on their looks alone, as men have done to women for eons? Or is it merely a slide to lowest common denominator? The four principles, the positive female, negative female, positive male, negative male interact. But in our society, it is the negative female and negative male energy that seem to be most valued, while many positive aspects of both male and female are reviled (i.e. it truly still is unacceptable to many morons when a woman wants to breastfeed in public).

Women behaving like superficial, vapid, vacuous, meretricious men does not seem to be any more ‘progress’ than the ‘soft men’ (‘sometimes when we touch’) of the 1970s and 80’s who were made to feel so guilty from angry early consciousness raising that they couldn’t be male, couldn’t be competitive, couldn’t be assertive in bed (much to the dismay of women who had thought, a la Henry Higgins, ‘why can’t a man be more like a woman’ and suddenly yearned for a man who could ‘take charge’ and ‘bring it’).

Men and Women are DIFFERENT. That is one of the joys of the universe. post-modernism tries to flatten everyone and everything out into sameness, and that’s a damn shame, as it tends to value the ‘popular’ (usually negative) traits of a society rather than the rarer, more subtle, nuanced and positive ones.

I think this is a very individual thing. Personally I tend to enjoy the company of men who are 35-42 years old who value the confidence and sophistication that a somewhat older woman has acquired. I agree with the comment that little is gained by objectifying men. Having said that, I find men in that age range tend to be physically attractive, sexually exciting adults who still believe in their own potential and possibilities.

For me, admitting to myself that I like younger men has required personal growth, even though, as I now realize, has always been true. I am happy that so many men understand that an older women can be sexy and fun.

As a woman about to enter her Cougardome, I did not know it was a derogatory term, I thought it was an enticing destination! I am fit, beginning some of the most powerful and productive years in my career and some of the pressures of dating are gone. I don’t want more kids, I have money and I don’t want some fat 40 year old man who has given up on experiencing life. That being said, I would take an active 40 year old man with some pep! I also don’t have a lot of time to devote to the work of a relationship but still like having an active sex life. Would I take a 25 year old lover? Um…yeah. Would I go out to the bar with him and his friends?…No. Would I bring him to a work event? Probably not. Would he meet the fam? No. Would I fuck the shit out of him, make him breakfast and never call him again? That could be a possibility…

Great article! Being a woman in my early 30’s I don’t consider myself a Cougar but I have definitely noticed the switch in my feelings towards men and my relationships with them. I no longer feel the NEED (as you mentioned) for a man in my life. While it certainly would be nice I don’t feel it necessary to have one in my life to make it complete. As I’ve gotten older and more mature my confidence level has certainly raised and there isn’t the pressure to be dependent on a man. Very good read, my friend!
.-= MissMelisaMae´s last blog ..The 40 Year Old Virgin =-.

Something not touched on here is why the younger guys pursue the older women? I am only 27, but I own a transport truck, and ride motorcycles and dirtbikes and have 2 chihuahuas, and I am constantly being asked out by guys 20-23 and not by guys my age… ????

Interestingly this is sort of leaving a vaccume i believe, Men in thier 20’s-30’s for the most part dont want to settle down into typical marriage routine. Cougars are an answer to their prayers, but by the time their finished playing with the kitty’s and begin to look for something stable… they find a very barren playing field. Single bachelor’s in their mid 30’s and above will find that for the most part they have missed their chance. All that is waiting for them are divorced women who already have 3+ screaming kids, very very bad for a man who finally decided to have kids of his own. Going from never having been around children to an instant family man generally doesn’t work out. In short– He screwed up and played to long with his Kitty Katz

@Billy6guns,
I don’t think many ‘cougar’ relationships last that long. Probably not much longer than any other relationship that didn’t make it to the altar, so that theory won’t work. I have not met or heard of one guy that played with the cats too long and missed out on the ‘perfect’ life. (That’s sarcasm there, in case you missed it).

[…] was thinking about a post I read on Mike the MasterDater’s site earlier today, Cougar, cutting her claws on the back of change. It’s a well thought out piece on the whole cougar phenomena. As I’ve stated before, I […]

[…] Would I take a 25 year old lover? Um…yeah. Would I go out to the bar with him and his friends?…No. Would I bring him to a work event? Probably not. Would he meet the fam? No. Would I fuck the shit out of him, make him breakfast and never call him again? That could be a possibility…” – Cara – Comment from last post Cougar, cutting her claws on the back of change […]