October 31, 2008

When the universe gives you a gift for no reason, respond appropriately. Say 'thank you' and use it. Stop shaking the package and wondering what the trick or the deceit is. And a thank-you note wouldn't hurt, either!

So, this is my 4th or 5th break up, I went through a lot, I even broke up twice with the same person. It never been that hard.I remember the time when we broke up. I looked in my mirror talking to the only friend I trust in such cases, myself, I said, so I have memories with him everywhere, this is nothing, songs that reminds me of him, this is nothing too, even feelings fade. My only friend, myself, told me that day "it only takes time and good work to get sorted". Now I look back in my mirror, telling the only friend I have, myself, that not only old songs remind me of him, more over the new songs that we never listened together, reminds me of him. New places that we never been too, New people who never knew him. Everything shouts his name. There is nowhere to hide, and no way to run!I broke the mirror … it reminds me of him too ...

So, this is completely nothing I just wanted to remind myself that today I have cut my finger while cutting a carrot because I was deeply thinking of someone ... hmmm .... maybe some other time I will post about who & what I was thinking of

October 24, 2008

“I hate being a woman”. That was how I concluded a talk I had last night with Sameh. It is not that I really hate being a woman but I bet that each of us, men and women, will have that moment when we really hate the downsides of our gender. It is never an easy thing to be a woman, one day you are a child the other day you wake up to some bruises on your chest and you know that you are growing breasts. Another day you wake up to the fact that the thing that makes you a real woman is a misery called periods. Not only that at that early age you have to learn how to deal with sudden unexpected embarrassing situations (like how to cover the stain on your school uniform) but also you learn how to bear intolerable pain that will probably accompany you till it gives you away to the menopause pain. You are introduced the PMS world and hormones start controlling your life. One minute you are cheerful the next you are irritable and suddenly you are calm as a lake only to find that this calm lake was a sleeping volcano.At a point, you will believe that you must have been created for a noble purpose. You will keep convincing yourself that this unknown purpose deserves to suck up the pain, frequently apologize for you unexplained behavior and most importantly get used to reviewing your decisions because there will always be a chance that it was the hormones telling you to kill your partner not your mind.

Along the package comes the nesting emotion. You know that feeling that occasionally, in some cases always, crosses a woman’s mind of having a partner, someone to love and probably marry and have a child with. And believe it or not even those women who really hate children don’t really hate them but they fear (or can’t see the divine wisdom of) pregnancy, labor, breast feeding, changing diapers and the whole extravaganza of raising a child.

That very emotion or generally being emotionally is a reason most women start developing a defensive mechanism against loneliness, bitterness and desperation.

Other than building a career or academic success women use little tricks to keep their moods boosted. Things that vary from one woman to the other but being a woman and though this is completely my personal opinion I yet believe that someone some where is using the exact mix of lines, circles and numbers or at least some of it.

When things go sour, my very first line of defense is girl friends. You know, after a break up or under the stress of the aforementioned nesting emotions a woman will probably feel vulnerable. So after the regular “I wish I have done so” - “I have told you so” kind of conversations, girl friends are the first line of defense. Your friends are always there for you, or at least most of the time they are. Where you can cry, talk and find sympathy. You will always find a supporting opinion reasoning why it was so important for you to have the new pair of designer’s jeans or that stunning top that you will have no chance to wear. Girl friends are the best company to eat the mood away, and the best company to get educated about the newest places to go. By the end of that phase and under the pressures of more hormones/ mood swings you will find that this line of defense didn’t do miracles. It was like pain killers; they ease the symptoms but never cure the disease. After eating and spending your crappy mood away with your girl friends you will find yourself fat and probably broke and you will discover that those designer’s jeans aren’t really an investment and that stunning top doesn’t fit your new shape.

The second line of defense will always be “the male” friends. You can still talk, cry and have sympathy but along with testosterone which seems to be an important factor that adds reason to things. You will start taking a man’s opinion into consideration. Male friends won’t take you shopping which will help restoring your financial status. Male friends will always have different interesting topics to gossip about not only the regular girl topics. Along with the first line of defense things are supposed to be perfect if it wasn’t only for those fluctuating female hormones that will eventually pose the feeling like a female issue and then your second line of defense will fail. Because as one of my friends once told me I can see you either as a woman or as a friend. I can’t see both. The guy didn’t notice that I have lost more than 20 kgs. And he is still insisting that I look exactly the same way he has always known me. Another night as I was talking my bad mood away with Sameh, I told him that I am feeling ugly. He started talking about how beauty is an inner feeling and tried to cheer me up. He is a good friend but at that very point all what I needed was a man to tell me that I am beautiful. Not a friend telling me how to set that mood aside and how beauty is an inner feeling (Yes dear, inner beauty is a code women use to talk about ugly peers).

And when the second line of defense fails, it is the Mr. Big’s turn (or is it Mr. Pig?!). And Mr. Big is Mr. X. In the famous Sex & the city, Miss Bradshaw had that complicated relation with her ex. Mr. Big was an ex abusive relation, that she didn’t really get rid of (sounds familiar?!).Mr. Big will always be an option, because after the break up he is counted among friends but he isn’t really one. Mr. Big actually sees nothing but the woman. Mr. Big is the one who would complement that slightest change in size (regardless the change). And Mr. Big is that someone who knows, and probably taught you, how important is alphabet and that letters should have started with “C”, or “D”!! He is the very one who will assure the prettiness of the outside not only the spirits.

The trick with Mr. Big’s defense line is that he should be spelled Pig not Big. He didn’t get the “ex” title for no reason. And because of that reason he is hated by your first two lines of defense. None of them will get your point of keeping such a relation. And none, including yourself, could give a proper explanation for even considering him a line of defense.

But as Miss Bradshaw once cheered as she was about to meet Mr. Big “I am gonna get laid!”. Which isn’t the typical case, but getting laid here is the best metaphor to explain Mr. Big’s role. He is the one that feeds the feminine ego, but because things never always work the way we want them to work, not to mention that the Mr. Big’s step is a completely hormonal step.

And because some how he knows the terms of trade, he will start to getting pushy and demanding. And when he is almost successful, it will be the turn of the very last line of defense. Going global!

Remember the X-files, the truth is out there. It seems that the solution for any X-file is really out there. And the best thing to offset a bas x influence is to get involved with the world. Smile, flirt and start building a line of fans. You know those people you know they like you but you don’t really like. You start dating those unappealing dates on a hope that things might end up fine, a step that will be supported by your female friends and slightly objected by your male friends. a step that you know won’t stop neither the hormonal stress nor the X’s pressures and isn’t granted to give the desired mood boost. But at least you can know for real that regardless how ugly you feel, someone still can take this ugliness for the beauty inside.

In a second thought, I don’t really hate being a woman. At least I don’t have to live fighting a moustache and a beard and scientifically I can’t get bald. And the most amazing thing, my hormones actually save me from heart attacks. And even when I am not PMSing, I can always blame the hormones.

October 23, 2008

I woke up this morning singing this song, I can't really believe that there has been time that I really listened to what "spice girls" had to say ... Actually I remember something like "Girl Power" as a motto too ... !!! *shocking*

October 20, 2008

One more time I don’t really know where I should begin. I have multiple incoherent thoughts that I want to pour out into somebody else’s heart. But each time I try to speak these things up I end up silent. It is not only my typical fear of rejection and not because I can see another couple of “I have told you so” but I am not sure that if I finally managed speaking my heart out it will ever make any sense.Yesterday, as I chatted the morning away with the infamous Mr. HH we got to the point where he asked me about what’s really wrong with me. Amazingly he finally noticed that I am not the person he used to know, if he ever knew me, he showed concern before but it was only yesterday when he started listing the things he thinks have changed in me.“You have lost your shine” that was the first thing he noted. He said that I used to shine in a way but some how I lost this shine. I am not shining as I used to be when we first met. He said that I used to be smart, I used to think a lot and he believes that I really stopped using my mind. He believes that I have become extremely lazy; lazy like in that I have no urge to seek anything. I have stopped dreaming and I lost my will. He said that I have become indifferent to the world. And he wondered what went wrong for that I couldn’t resist as I have always done and why I have ended like this.I couldn’t really find an answer to his question. I don’t believe anything went wrong. Though he admitted that he has noticed this change for a while now but the thing that made him talk was the fact that this change is becoming the norm. He said that I have stopped making troubles as I used to do and this, according to him, is a bad sign.I can’t deny that I kind of appreciated his concern, because he has noticed the things he wasn’t supposed to notice. He noticed the change in character and he also felt that mood swing I have been into for a while. And though I have successfully maintained a life that he knows nothing about yet he still could figure out that I have not been enjoying those things I enjoy for unknown reason. He noticed that the talkative me isn’t that talkative, and that I have been avoiding certain subjects including the very subject he posed.I kind of appreciated he noticed because I have been doing a tremendous effort so that none would notice that I am not really feeling good. I appreciated his care though he is part of that bad mood I suffer, along few other things.He is part of that problem because he never stops pushing, he never stops brainwashing, and he never stops doing the things he has been doing for years. He is part of the problem because I never stop listening no matter how hard I try and I never stop falling regardless how hard I fight. He is part of the problem because I don’t want to fall and he knows that I was supposed to be fallen long time ago so he is literally nagging. And nagging is devastating. On one hand I know believing him will only lead to the same place we have always ended and on the other hand I can’t really say game over. I want to, but I always fail to say it because I don’t really want this game to end. (This is something that I will write about later)But it won’t be fair if I claimed that the nagging HH is the only cause for that mood. Brad is another reason, though I don’t really want to talk about it but the things he did a couple of months ago, the things he said and the fights he made up out of nothing. The way he deliberately hurt me in the name of laying grounds for our friendship has left a scar on my heart that I don’t think I would forget soon. And has hurt that friendship in many ways regardless how it might seem intact.Still, accusing HH and Brad of being the reason behind that mood will be unfair. Because I am also to be blamed as my reactions to the surroundings is behind 99% of the pressures that ruin my mood.My problem is that my love life ( I don't know how could this be related to what I wrote before!!)has that effect on the other aspects of my life and because I barely had one that might explain why I have always been hanging between desperation and hope.I guess these days I am on the hopeful side though I have never felt that desperate!!