Star reporter Tony Wong goes camping for the first time. Third in a series on summer school.

li-summerschool-camping-Tony Wong, left, and Emily Wong, right, put up their tent in Sibbald Point Provincial Park, Ontario, Tuesday, July 3, 2012. Reporter Tony Wong is taking a course by parks ontario teaching him how to camp. The newbies are going to spend a night at Sibbald Point. (Aaron Harris/Toronto Star)

My editor reminded me of the Oprah episode where the talk show host goes camping with her best friend Gayle. That was after receiving a letter from a park ranger bemoaning that few African-Americans camp. Oprah pulls up in Yosemite National Park in a giant RV. She presses a button and voila, the sides transform into a bedroom right out of a Michael Bay movie.

Now that was camping. But given the minuscule Star budget, I didn’t think this was going to bode well for me.

I tell Lori Waldbrook, the Ontario Parks spokesperson that I’ve lived in Markham for 30 years and I’ve never eaten in my backyard. I barbecue on a George Foreman Grill in the dining room because I’m afraid I’ll incinerate the neighbourhood if I use propane.

“I’m not going to have to break out the Airstream trailer for you am I?” she asks.

The only thing I knew for sure about camping is what I’ve seen in the movies. As soon as it gets dark, some crazy guy in a hockey mask always pops out of the bush.

The good thing is, the hockey mask guy usually only attacks you if you are having sex. And no way was I going to be that stupid.

After a mad day of buying food and a sleeping bag from Costco (would a minus 4 degree rating be enough?) I head up to Sibbald Point.

“Don’t you dare bring your Canada goose parka or you’ll look like such a loser,” my wife scolds before ushering me out the door.

The 200-hectare park on the south shore of Lake Simcoe was originally a single family estate.

Author Stephen Leacock spent many summers there. His grave is in the nearby Anglican Church.

The park is remarkable in that it still has a free museum, the original home of Scottish pioneer Susan Sibbald.

Staying here is a little like camping beside Black Creek Pioneer Village. But, after learning a bit of history, you can dunk your head in the cool waters off a sandy beach. Plus, any place good enough for Leacock was good enough for me.

My mom would have liked Sibbald. A control freak, she was the original Tiger Mom. Sibbald bought the land and emigrated from Scotland after she heard her two sons were misbehaving and living above a tavern. It was eventually sold in 1951.

Lake Simcoe of course, is also where incidents of “nippertipping” have occurred. York Region Police have laid charges in cases where Asian anglers have been pushed into the water.

“Make sure you bring your Taser,” said my friend Brad. I wasn’t sure if he was joking because he’s from Calgary, where I imagine Tasers are sold in convenience stores beside Frisbees and weed whackers.

My fears are allayed, however, when I arrive at the campsite.

One thing about a smaller town is that everyone seems hyperfriendly after living in Toronto.

I meet camp guides Nicole George, 20 and Ashley Stewart, 19.

This is George’s second time doing Learn to Camp and Stewart’s first. Both are students, George is studying kinesiology and Stewart is studying environmental science and they have been camping since they were kids.

“You will have fun,” says George, as I clutch my ergonomic pillow.

The Learn to Camp marketing campaign must be working. Of the 27 people enrolled, more than half are Asian.

They are families Mississauga, Newmarket and Richmond Hill.

We all sit in fold-out fabric camp chairs while George pulls out a green billowy nylon bag and unfolds a tent.

“One thing you have to remember is where to place your tent. Don’t put it under a tree or a heavy branch could fall on your head,” she tells the crowd.

The South Asian lady beside me looks alarmed.

Stewart asks for volunteers. Six people go up to help. Nobody asks why it takes eight people to put up a six-person tent.

The instruction booklet looks like it was taken out of a textbook on how to build a Higgs boson particle accelerator.

Luckily, I have help. My friend Jim Wong (no relation) and his wife, Marilyn, and 5-year-old daughter, Emily, have never been camping and have come to share the adventure.

For $64, Ontario Parks supplies the tent for up to six people and all the supplies for an overnight camping experience. You just need a sleeping bag and food.

Jim and Marilyn go back to our reserved spot and promptly start putting together metal bars. Emily hammers in pegs.

We (actually Jim) manage to put up the tent, apart from some dangly strings that we can’t figure out.

Lunch is cold cuts, but I decide to cheat and head for poutine at the snack shop. The helping of fries and cheese is enormous at ($8.25) and a single scoop of Banana Boat ice cream ($3.75) hits the spot. Who says camp food is bad?

It’s time for the next session — how to put up the dining shelter. This is followed by a third session on putting up your tarp. The lessons never seem to end.

Stewart comes over to see how we are doing and I feign stupidity, which isn’t hard. She takes pity and diligently puts up our tarp.

Then, it starts to pour. Rain sucks, especially when camping.

We huddle in the dining shelter. The water whips through the ventilated sides soaking my shorts. The campsite becomes a slippery mud pit.

We decide to cook the steaks over the supplied grill. Jim fiddles with the knob and the flames swoosh violently upward.

Somehow we manage to eat without burning down the tent.

At night we learn how to make a campfire. I am excited about this, because sometimes at home I will sit and watch logs burning on the fireplace channel.

Stewart and George present the campers with a surprise gift — their own S’more s Kits. Everyone cheers.

They are a young couple, originally from China and now living in Thornhill.

“We also have Cheetos in China,” their teenaged son informs me. I nod and we watch the neighbours fry eggs.

I have a surrealist moment.

The closet I have been to the woods is watching Love In The Wild while eating Cheetos on my couch.

Now I am actually eating Cheetos while in the woods.

Waldman says many Canadians and especially kids suffer from nature deficit disorder. They are out of touch with nature. But I think this could be the prescription.

When Emily first arrived she couldn’t wait to play with her iPad. But she hasn’t asked for it once.

Maybe it’s all the toys supplied by Ontario Parks and sponsor Coleman.

Kids get stuffed toys and a scavenger hunt. Adults get everything from cutlery, plates, a first aid kit, propane stove and coffee makers to use for the duration of their stay. There is a cooler with ice and even an attachment that makes toast. Inside the tents there are inflatable mattresses. They even throw in a tablecloth.

I know what you are thinking.

This isn’t camping. Camping is taking a canoe out in the wilderness. That’s the kind of camping my Markham neighbour Robert Faber enjoys.

But Faber kept going on his trek and ended up breaking his arm. He hiked for miles looking for help and ending up having to start a fire in the park to attract the attention of rangers. He became international news.

This is hard core stuff. But I’m telling you right now. For your own good, choose a park that has a snack shop. Preferably one with Banana Boat ice cream.

Denali Park environmental restrictions are so severe that even if you take a poop, you have to bag it and put it back in your pocket. Who goes on vacation and carries their own poop?

At Sibbald Point the washrooms are remarkably pristine, as if they had been relentlessly focus grouped. (Why don’t you camp? Because the washrooms suck, duh) The lighting is excellent, the showers spotless.

After breakfast, Stewart and George, who have been nothing but kind throughout the entire experience, are patiently telling us how to break down the camp. We are all dreading this.

But because it has rained, we learn we don’t have to take down the main tent because it may mildew. I give out a two-hands up cheer.

Am I the only one not disappointed?

Before I leave Sibbald Point I take a walk on the beach and a quick dip in the water. My first dunk in Lake Simcoe. It feels exquisite on a muggy day. Maybe it’s not too late for me.

I mull my good fortune that someone in government actually put this crazy, earnest program together that practically bribes you to go enjoy the outdoors.

On my drive home I recount my favourite memory: My first campfire S’more s — toasted marshmallow with chocolate in between two graham crackers. Things do taste better in the woods.

Next week at summer school: Bartending

Camping 101

More than one quarter of Canadians have never gone on an overnight camping trip. And new Canadians are even less likely to have tried it, despite the fact they are the fastest growing segment of the population according to Ontario Parks.

A recent survey conducted by Ontario Parks showed that 74 per cent of new Canadians said a “hands-on” course would be important to get them acquainted.

“As a society we are starting to worry about our children spending too much time indoors and online,” says Ontario Parks spokesperson Lori Waldbrook.

The Learn To Camp program was introduced in 2011 and was expanded in 2012. For $64, first-time campers sign up for a two-day course at one of six provincial parks, including Sibbald, Darlington, Six Mile, Bronte Creek, Murphy’s Point and the Pinery. Most of the equipment is supplied, but you need to bring food and bedding.

The sites chosen are all close to washrooms and showers, and kids are welcome.

Handy tips for first time campers from Ontario Parks:

• When pitching your tent choose a flat area that’s relatively high ground, which helps to keep rain from building underneath your tent and you from rolling downhill in your sleeping bag.

• When buying a sleeping bag consider the shape. Rectangular bags are the most common and allow most freedom of movement but are not as warm. Mummy bags keep you warmer but are more restrictive.

• It’s not a bad idea to bring along some shelter in addition to your tent. A shelter will provide shade on hot days and protection from the rain on stormy days.

• Duct tape can be your best friend. It can be used to patch a hole in a canoe or repair a tent.

• Bringing your dog for protection will likely not help you avoid a confrontation with wildlife. It may actually end up attracting other wildlife.

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