It doesn’t matter if international safe drinking guidelines are confusing because no one pays any attention to them anyway, Britain has reassured worried doctors.

Countries with inconsistent guidelines are as idiots shouting conflicting messages into a deafening wind, the UK says.

Whatever imbeciles set them might as well be disagreeing about the exact height of the tallest building that has never been built, according to the country.

William Bodie, a normal drinker from Stevenage, said: “UK guidelines now set the safe limit at 14g of alcohol a day for men and women, while in many conservative countries it’s 10g for women and 20 for men. However, in Chile you can drink up to 56g and still be considered low-risk.

“It doesn’t matter though, because I drink until I collapse and piss myself.”

Professor Ray Doyle, a psychiatrist and expert on addiction at the University of Sheppey, said: “The guidelines are so inconsistent they create substantial risk of confusion and encourage scepticism.