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My favorite writer recently opined, “There’s good bad porn and bad bad porn.” What I neglected to mention while waxing philosophical is that there’s also the rare porn so great that it should post an opening disclaimer eschewing all responsibility for viewers who develop carpal tunnel syndrome, if you get my drift. Family Matters is one of those films.

For the sake of readers and viewers, this review will be kept short. Why spend your quality time reading about this movie when you can spend time watching it, and then watching it again?

Family Matters boasts 5.1 digital surround sound and the best in cinematography. Scenes, lighting, camera angles, settings — they’re all perfect, as one would expect from adult film mavens Digital Playground, the production company lovingly known as DP. Unlike most adult films, Family Matters actually has a plot, at least during the first few minutes. It all goes out the window after a while, but the sex is so insanely hot that you won’t care. Plot? What plot? Who needs a plot?

Kayden Kross and Angel Dark are Lisa Ann’s adopted daughters, two young women whom she is raising by herself, with Angel older by two years. Lisa Ann must depart on a business trip and she asks her significant other, Tommy Gunn, with whom she just had the most fiery, crazy-making, over-the-top sex, to keep an eye on the girls.

Forget anything that happens next. Forget who fucks whom, forget the boyfriend, the roofer, forget trying to make sense of the storyline. Trust me: it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters for the remainder of the film is the sex. Take it from someone who tends to fast-forward through a lot of sex scenes and watches portions with the volume off: the sex in this movie is so blazing, blistering hot that I watched every microsecond of it and never once clicked “mute.”

Family Matters also includes a “Behind the Scenes Featurette,” and while this is always my favorite segment, what I saw of it couldn’t compete with the two-hour fuck fest. I say “what I saw” because — damn my life! — I am the miserable owner of a defective DVD. As the behind-the-scenes bonus footage trucked along, my disc froze, fuzzed, fizzed and stalled, prompting me that it was “skipping over defective areas.” But that’s not all. In the name of quality coverage (cough, cough), I decided to view Family Matters again tonight, just in case I missed something the first time. Now the whole damn disc is defective. Nothing works. Nothing.

In closing, two quick messages.

Dear Digital Playground:

I beg of you: Could you please send the boss another copy of this movie so that he can make me a happy girl and shut me the hell up?

Dear Tommy Gunn:

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN: AN INSTRUCTIONAL DVD FOR THE GUYS!!! The last time I saw this kind of tongue action I was front row at a KISS concert, “Calling Dr. Love” and screaming my lungs out for the God Of Thunder himself. Please, just do it!

P.S. An interview would also be nice. By phone, not the industry standard e-mail variety. Just sayin’.

Rating:

Five stars times infinity, two neoprene wrist support wraps and a truckload of AA batteries.