Healing a Hurting Marriage

by David H. Roper

As you recall, the theme of this book is that it is God's will
that we learn to suffer injustice patiently. It is one thing to
be reprimanded or fined or fired or grounded or benched when you
deserve it; it is quite another to be chastened when you do not
deserve it. When you have tried your very best, have done what
you think is right, and still are misunderstood or overlooked
or blamed--that is difficult to bear.

A number of years ago I was with my family at a conference
center. Carolyn and I were seated in the lodge waiting for dinner
to be served. Right behind the lodge was an embankment which recently
had been seeded. There were signs posted which said, KEEP OFF
THE BANK. Two of our sons, who then were quite young, were playing
at the top of the embankment. Suddenly the director of the conference,
who was seated with us, jumped to his feet and shouted, "Stay
off the bank!" and ran out the door. To my horror, as I looked
out the window, there was one of our boys poised right at the
top of the bank. The director was shouting, "Get off! Get
off the bank!," but down the boy slid, right into his arms.
The director shook him, "Son, didn't you hear me say, 'Stay
off the bank'?" Of course, I was mortified. I took him around
behind the building, got out a little switch and worked him over.
I kept saying, "Son, didn't you hear the man say, 'Stay off
the bank'?" As we were walking back he looked up at me with
tear-stained eyes and said, "Daddy, what's a 'bank'?"

I think of that so frequently when I have done what I think
is right, and then am misunderstood. I walk away and ask the Lord,
"Father, what's a 'bank'?" We have all gone through
that sort of experience, and this is what Peter is referring to.
It is perhaps the most difficult type of suffering to endure.
But Peter reminds us in the opening verses of the book that this
is what we are called to, because even Christ was called to this.
Perhaps the theme of the book may best be summed up in Peter's
words to slaves:

For what credit is there if, when you sin
and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if
when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure
it, this finds favor with God. For you have been called for this
purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example
for you to follow in His steps.

He came not to secure his rights but to be wronged. Therefore
we should not be surprised when people wrong us. The principle
which undergirds everything Peter has to say is that God, who
is the Righteous Judge, will ultimately give us what is right,
but we do not necessarily expect that in the here-and-now. It
is only when Jesus comes back to set everything right, that we
will receive what is right. Therefore we can endure injustice--not
when it is directed toward someone else; it is not to go unreproved
when someone else is the object of oppression--but when it is
directed toward us.

In chapters one and two Peter gathers these ideas together,
and then he begins to specify certain areas of life where this
attitude of subjection, even under unjust authority, is to be
lived out. The first is with respect to an unjust government.
And the Roman empire was anything but just at this time. Then
he refers to the relationship of slaves to harsh, cruel, despotic
masters. In terms of our experience today, this refers to employers
who exhibit these characteristics.

Then in chapter three he turns to the home, and begins with
the response of the wife to a cruel and unjust husband, because
this situation was prevalent in Peter's day. Many women had found
Christ to be their Lord, but were married to men who were still
pagan, unjust, cruel, and vicious. How should they respond in
circumstances like these? In this chapter Peter gives us a revelation
of the way to heal a hurting marriage.

We need to remember that this is indeed a revelation, a divine
disclosure of principles which will work. It does not matter how
hopeless your marriage seems to be. I am convinced that if individuals
will follow the pattern Peter lays down in these verses, any home
can be set right. Perhaps right now you are feeling hopeless about
your own marriage, and from a human standpoint there seems to
be no way to correct it. But may I say that it has been my experience,
and the experience of many others, that the procedure laid out
for us here will correct any aspect of a troubled marriage.

This is a revelation, and it runs contrary to much of what
you hear today in the secular world. I seldom read Ann Landers'
column, but last week it included a letter from a lady asking
about her evidently very troubled marriage:

My husband spends money like it's going out of style. He buys
anything he wants no matter what the cost. If it's another gun
for $250, fine and dandy. A third camera for $150 is okay, too.
He thinks nothing of paying $40 for a pair of shoes. I won't
tell you what his suits cost. His closets are jammed, yet he
keeps buying, buying. This man makes $20,000 a year, and he's
no kid; he's 52 years old. We're always broke, arid the bills
are stacked all over the place. The doctor says that's why I
have week-long headaches and high blood pressure. Do you think
I can change him, or should I just give up? We've been married
five years.

Busted in Illinois

That is a troubled marriage! This is a very immature man. What
should she do? Here is Ann Landers' counsel:

Dear Busted:

You say he's no kid. Well, I have news for you. He is a kid!
Forget about changing him. No way! Now that you have an opinion
from your doctor, I suggest that you get one from your lawyer.
This I can tell you: no man is worth week-long headaches and
high blood pressure.

Now, that is amazing counsel! I do not know Miss Landers. I
don't know anything about her. I don't know what she believes,
and I don't know anyone who does. It is one of the phenomena of
our age that we will take counsel from someone whose basic presuppositions
we know nothing about. She counsels many people, and some of her
counsel no doubt is good. But this particular counsel is ungodly,
because it is directly contrary to what Scripture has to say.
"Forget about changing him. No way. Leave him; he's not worth
suffering over." That is contrary to Peter's counsel in chapter
3. Peter says,

In the same way, you wives, be submissive
to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient
to the word they may be won without a word by the behavior of
their wives...

The word translated "disobedient" means "unpersuasible."
It is not that such men have never heard the gospel; it is that
they have heard it and repudiated it. They are hardened, obstinate,
unpersuasible. Peter says the unpersuasible man who has rejected
the Word may be won by the behavior of his wife. The key, Peter
says, is the submissive spirit of the wife.

That is not popular counsel today. At this particular point
in history it usually is rejected out of hand. And it does seem
difficult to follow, in the face of all the gains made by the
women's movements of our day--particularly the overthrowing of
some of the domestic tyranny and job discrimination that women
have endured.

There are a number of things we need to know about the submission
Peter is talking about. The Greek term means "standing under
the authority of" someone else. There have been attempts
to retranslate it, but there really is no legitimate way. It is
a military term used both in biblical and classical Greek to refer
to someone's being placed under the authority of someone else.
It means to "rank in order," or to "place under
the leadership" of someone else. So the term does mean what
our English word means.

But we need to realize first of all that it is not only women
who are to submit. Very often this passage is taught as though
wives are to submit to their husbands, yet the husbands can trip
through life totally unsubmissive to anyone and do as they please.
But Peter repeatedly has underscored the fact that submission
is demanded of all believers, whether they be male or female.
It is just as much a requirement of men as of women to be submissive
to authority, and Peter has spelled out a number of areas where
they are to be submissive-to government, to their employers, to
the needs of others around them, and ultimately, to God. God knows
that we have authority only when we place ourselves under authority.
It is the worst kind of slavery to rebel against all authority.
A very wise centurion once said to Jesus, "I am a man under
authority, and I can say to this man, 'Come', and to this man,
'Go.'" He recognized that we have authority only when we
ourselves are under authority. So Peter is very quick to point
out that it is not only women who must submit to authority, but
men also.

Secondly, Peter points out that the submission of women to
their husbands is parallel to Jesus' submission to authority.
The chapter begins with the words, "In the same way".
In the Greek it is just one word: "Likewise."

This refers back to the previous context, which is a reference
to Christ:

...who committed no sin, nor was any deceit
found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile
in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting
Himself to Him who judges righteously...

Jesus was cruelly and unjustly treated, and he submitted to
it. Yet there is no indignity attached to that. There was poise
and dignity in Jesus' submission to authority. So submission is
ennobling, not demeaning.

And thirdly, Peter says in this passage that the submission
is to be to the woman's own husband, not to men in general. I
see no indication anywhere in Scripture that women are to be submissive
to the leadership of men in general. There are two areas of submission
only, and they are clearly spelled out in Scripture: submission
to your husband and, within the church, submission to men in authority
there. But outside those two spheres women can legitimately exercise
leadership. The Bible says nothing in this regard about politics
or education or industry, The Old Testament is replete with examples
of women who are outstanding leaders: Deborah, Jael, Huldah the
prophetess. So this is not an attempt to repress women. But within
the home there is to be an order of authority, an order which
is ennobling. The man is to be submissive to his Lord, and the
wife is to be submissive to her husband.

In the passage there are a number of characteristics which
describe this submission, a submission which Peter says may result
in the husband's being "won," or "gained."
These are basically descriptions of the behavior of the wife.
This is how she is to work out her submission:

"...even if any of them are disobedient
to the word they may be won without a word by the behavior of
their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.
And let not your adornment be external only-braiding the hair,
and wearing gold jewelry, and putting on dresses; but let it
be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality
of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight
of God."

He begins by saying that her witness to her husband is to be
nonverbal "without a word.".He uses a very interesting
play on words in this first verse. He says, "...though they
may be disobedient to the word [i.e., the Scriptures] they may
be won without a word...." This is one of the few cases in
Scripture where we are told to give some sort of nonverbal witness.
Ordinarily the witness of our mouth is to accompany the witness
of our life. But here he says, "without a word".

That would be strange--except that God understands the nature
of women and the nature of men. He knows that women by nature
love to communicate, and they communicate well! And he is not
saying here that it is wrong for women to communicate, to talk.
It is not wrong for the believing wife to share the gospel with
her unbelieving husband. But there comes a time when communication
ceases and it becomes nagging. The husband sees it as a subtle
attempt to overthrow his leadership, a way of subtly insinuating
her will into the direction of the home. She may not stamp her
foot and insist on her way But by continually, repeatedly bringing
up the same issues over and over again, by correcting the way
he dresses, the way he acts, the way he talks, the way he eats,
the way he thinks, and by continually bringing up the gospel--slipping
tracts into his cheerios, etc.,--she will alienate him even though
she thinks she will win him. Her goal is right, but her method
is wrong.

All men resent and reject nagging. They will do one of two
things: They will give in, and live with a smoldering resentment.
Or they will become stubborn, obstinately refusing to act, even
though they might know it is in their best interest to do so,
because they will not be pushed. So with uncanny insight the Lord
directs Peter to write, "without a word". "Be quiet.
He knows the facts, now just live them before him." A wife's
response might be, "But how will he know unless I tell him?"
Peter says, "He will know by your behavior."

Then he proceeds to spell out what that behavior entails: verse
2, "chaste and respectful behavior"; verse 4, "a
gentle and quiet spirit". That covers the inner and the outer
woman.

I am convinced that by nature women have a yearning for purity,
for chastity. It is their men who drive them to be unchaste. Throughout
Scripture, whenever women were unfaithful and unchaste, invariably
it was the men who were admonished, because God knows that basically
women are monogamous and chaste, and they find their sense of
fulfillment and joy in the love of one man. When that man provides
the security and strength she looks for, she has no need to look
elsewhere. But when the foundations are shaky and she is uncertain,
when she does not feel loved and secure, then she begins to look
elsewhere for fulfillment. She will become unchaste because her
man has not fulfilled his responsibility toward her.

Yet Peter begins right at this point: "Be chaste."
But how can a woman do that when everything within her yearns
for fulfillment--not for sex, primarily, but for love, appreciation,
and understanding? How can she be fulfilled when her husband is
failing her in this regard? Well, the Lord himself becomes her
partner. She can be chaste, she can be faithful. Paul says, "My
God shall supply all your needs, according to his riches in Christ
Jesus." God becomes her husband; therefore she can be chaste.

There is a story in the Old Testament that deeply touches most
women-the story of Rachel and Leah. Both were the wives of Jacob.
Rachel was loved by Jacob, Leah was hated. Rachel was a beautiful
girl, Leah was unattractive. So it would appear that Jacob was
motivated by selfishness. Though she was rejected, the Lord, for
her sake, gave Leah four sons. She thought that these sons would
bring the heart of her husband to her, but they did not. The names
she assigned her sons indicate something of her thinking during
this time. The first son was Reuben. The names comes from the
Hebrew word "to see." She said, "I have called
him Reuben because now the Lord has seen my affliction, and now
my husband will love me." But he did not love her. She had
another son and named him Simeon, akin to a Hebrew word, "to
hear". She said, "The Lord has heard me, and now my
husband will love me." But he did not. She had another son
and named him Levi, from a Hebrew word meaning "to attach
oneself", and she thought, "Now my husband will attach
himself to me," but he did not. To the end of his days he
loved Rachel.

She had a fourth son and she named him Judah. The word means
"to praise." She said, "Now, this time, I will
praise the Lord." She saw that she would never receive from
Jacob what she longed for, but that she could find her sense of
rest and security in God, the God of Jacob, who would care for
her and give her the love her heart cried out for. That is where
Peter begins. That ought to be the behavior of the wife, even
though the clamant needs of her heart are not being met by her
husband. God can meet those needs.

Then Peter says, "Give respect and honor to the husband,
even though he is undeserving of it." You say, "Well,
you don't know my husband. The lout sits around the house in a
dirty tee shirt, watches TV, and drinks beer! That is all he ever
does! He takes no leadership with the children, and doesn't care
a hoot about me--how can I respect someone like that?" You
are to respect him, not because he is qualified, nor because there
is anything in him that deserves respect, but merely because God
has appointed him as the authority in your life. You can, by God's
grace, give him the respect he is entitled to as head of the home.
Therefore you are not to diminish his stature, to deride him,
to ridicule him, poke fun at him, or put him down, but you are
to give him the honor and respect he should have, because he is
God's appointee. He is there by God's authority.

Finally, Peter says, "Be characterized by a gentle and
quiet spirit--a non-argumentative, non-hostile, non-aggressive,
non-domineering spirit. The word translated "quiet"
is not the word for "silent". It is not that the wife
cannot talk about things that bother her. Rather, she is to have
a spirit of quietness, of rest-a quietness that comes not from
trusting in her husband, but from quietly trusting in God, who
is able to exceed her expectations. It is this gentle and quiet
spirit which Peter says, literally, is "priceless" in
God's sight-and also priceless in the heart of a man. It is this
that wins his heart. This gentle spirit --the love and consideration
and respect and purity in her life--will draw his attention and
appeal to him, and bring him to the truth.

It is interesting that Peter would liken this to adornment,
because adornment is something of interest to every woman. A woman
wants to look beautiful. She wants to dress well. And that is
right and proper. Peter is not saying that women should not adorn
themselves, but that apparel should not be their only adornment.
There is another adornment which is inward, in the inner woman--the
gentle and quiet spirit that comes from within, which is the indwelling
Christ. This adornment never fades. The other will perish. The
outward beauty, though it may attract and hold your man for a
period of time, does not endure; it fades. The only enduring quality
is a gentle and quiet spirit.

Peter says, "If this is your character, you have joined
a very elite corps-the holy women in former times who used to
hope in God. Verses 5 and 6:

For in this way in former times the holy
women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being
submissive to their own husbands. Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham,
calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do
what is right without being frightened by any fear.

These holy women of old are not a special class of women. They
are like other women, except that they have learned this principle.
The word "holy" means "separated"--"those
who can be distinguished from others". They are distinguished
from the anxious and uptight women around them who are trying
to drive their husbands and to secure what they think is right
by means other than God's ways. Peter says these holy women of
old hoped in God, and that set them apart from every one else
around them. And you can join this elite group, Peter says, if
your character is like theirs.

Out of all this group, Sarah is perhaps exhibit "A"
of a woman who submitted to injustice. Abraham may have been the
father of the faithful, but as a husband he was a total dud! It
took him one hundred and seventy-five years to grow up. Twice
he jeopardized Sarah's life by having her lie about their relationship,
having her tell the authorities both in Egypt and in Philistia
that she was his sister, when in actuality she was his wife. And
she obeyed him.

Now, we need to keep in mind that she did not have all the
revelation we have, and so concerning the specific issue, she
did not know any better. The sovereignty of husbands is not absolute.
God is the ultimate authority, and every woman's ultimate obedience
must be to him. If her husband asks her to do something that is
illegal or immoral or contrary to Scripture, then she must courteously
and lovingly disobey. But in every other area, where the husband's
demands do not contravene Scripture, then she is to obey him.

And that is what Sarah did. She put herself under Abraham's
authority and called him lord. I have a friend who says that his
wife calls him "lord", but she pronounces it "lard"!
That is not exactly the same thing. "Lord" means "sir".
it is a title used of kings, emperors, and the Lord himself. Sarah
put herself under Abraham's authority, and God saved her. She
was not trusting Abraham. She trusted God. You may not be able
to put any trust in your husband. He may be utterly untrustworthy.
But God will be faithful, and God will protect you.

Peter says, "You are Sarah's daughters if you do what
is right and are not terrified." It is fear that causes women
to give way under pressure and to begin to nag and push and dominate,
to become anxious and hostile and uptight. Peter says, "If
you hope in God, if you rely on him, he will be faithful, and
you will not have to give way to this fear, He will protect you."
You say, "Well, you don't know my husband." No, but
I know your Lord, and I know how faithful he is. He is trustworthy.

Most people know who Augustine was, but not many know of his
mother, Monica. She was as outstanding as he, and I question whether
there ever would have been an Augustine, in terms of his spiritual
life and impact, if it had not been for his mother. She was an
amazing person, married to a heavy-handed Roman pagan who was
absolutely careless about spiritual things, who ran roughshod
over her and the children, and abused her physically and sexually.
In his Confessions, Augustine writes something of their
early home life, and the response of Monica to his father. Addressing
the Lord, he says,

As soon as she was of marriageable age, being bestowed upon
a husband, she served him as her lord, and did her diligence
to win him unto thee, preaching thee unto him by her behavior,
by which you have ornamented her, making her reverent and amiable
and admirable unto her husband. And she so endured her wronging
as never to have any quarrel with her husband. For she looked
for thy mercy upon him, that, believing in thee, he might be
made chaste. And beside this, he was fervid--not only in his
affection but also in his anger. But she had learned not to resist
his anger--not in deed only, but not even in word.

Augustine writes that toward the end of his life, her husband
was won.

Her husband at the end, at the very end of his earthly life,
did she gain unto thee. Nor had she to complain of that in him
as a believer which before he was a believer she had borne from
him.

That is, not only was he gained to the Lord; he was gained
to her. He became in every way the husband she had looked for.
Every abuse was set right, though they had only a few months together.
It had taken years, but she had operated on the basis of the truth,
and God set that home free. And he can do the same thing for you.

Now, this is not an absolute promise. When Peter says, "he
may be won," he uses a verb tense which implies some uncertainty.
It is not absolutely certain because, even given the right approach
on the part of the wife, the man still has his own will, and he
may reject the truth. But what Peter is saying is that there is
no other way. If he is to be won at all, this is the only way.
Submission is not demeaning; it is intended to be ennobling, because
it is the means by which you can bring another person into a relationship
with Christ, and the result will be a change in his life.

Peter goes on in verse 7 to refer to the responsibilities of
husbands. Do you notice that there is six times as much information
given to wives here as there is to husbands-perhaps because it
is six times more difficult for wives to live with their husbands
than for husbands to live with their wives! He says,

You husbands likewise [Same conjunction. It is required of men too that
they be submissive-not that they give in to the will of their
wives, but that they give themselves up to their wives, which
is the counterpart required of us as husbands-serving our wives],
live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker
vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow-heir
of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Two commands are given along with the reasons for them. The
first is to live with your wife according to understanding, or,
as it actually is stated in the Greek, "according to knowledge"--because
she is the weaker vessel. The second is to honor her because you
are joint-heirs of the grace of life. What does Peter' mean, "Live
with your wife according to knowledge?" I believe he is referring
to the knowledge of the Scriptures, the knowledge of the truth.
Because the measure of a man's manhood is the degree to which
he gives himself to knowing and obeying the Word of God. Most
of us men, at one time or another, question our manhood. That
is what drives us to take up underwater demolition when we are
fifty, or something of that nature! There is probably nothing
wrong with being a fifty-year-old frogman, but that in itself
is never going to prove anything to you. It will not make a man
of you. The measure of a man is the degree to which he knows and
obeys the Word. That is true manhood.

If you want to see a man, look at Christ. There is One who
acted in every situation as a man should act. He was compassionate
when he should have been compassionate, firm when he should have
been firm. He was in every circumstance a man--"a man for
all seasons"--because he acted according to the will of God.
That is what will make us a man-if we will act according to the
truth. The thing which is most impressive to your wife is not
that you can press a two-hundred-pound barbell, but that you act
according to the truth. It shakes her more than anything else
when you do not act according to the truth. That is what is wrong
with the man in verse 1 who is disobedient to the Word. His wife
is frightened: "What will he do to me and my family?"
But the man of the Word will act as he should act in every circumstance.
He will be wise, discerning, strong, compassionate; he will be
all that she could ever desire.

Peter says he is to act according to knowledge because his
wife is the weaker vessel--not weaker intellectually, nor even
physically, necessarily. I am convinced that women are much better
able to withstand pain, that they live longer, and have fewer
heart attacks. They cannot run quite as fast as men, yet, but
they are getting there! No, women are weaker vessels in the sense
that they are more easily broken, more fragile. The pressures
and responsibilities of life more easily crush them and drive
them away from a place of confidence in God. Therefore a man who
lives according to knowledge, instead of reacting in anger or
hostility or bewilderment to his wife, will direct her back to
the Word. He will, as Paul says, "wash her with the water
of the Word." Now, if you do not have a husband who does
this, then God himself takes this place in your life. You need
not get frightened. But the word addressed to us, men, is that
we must take this responsibility in the home.

Secondly, the husband is to honor his wife as a fellow-heir
of the grace of life. Honor has to do with courtesy, respect,
politeness, kindness. These give security to wives--things we
did almost instinctively when we were courting them, but which
we have long since abandoned--the quiet acts of courtesy and love.
Somerset Maugham's mother was a very beautiful woman, and she
was married to a little, ugly, gnome-like man. No one could understand
why she ever married him. In one of his books Maugham quotes her
as saying she did so because "he would never hurt me."
He was courteous and kind, and she responded to that.

I am reading a history of medieval Europe. I have always been
fascinated by the concept of knighthood. Knights, of course, were
chivalrous, which means they were valorous and courteous. It was
the injection of Christianity into medieval life which made chivalry
possible. As badly as Christianity was practiced in medieval Europe,
the light of the truth was still there. And that is what made
men chivalrous. Wherever the gospel has not been received, women
are treated as chattel, even as animals. But wherever the Gospel
is received, women become joint-heirs; they are equal-different,
yes--but equal in every way. Therefore they are to be honored,
treated with courtesy, never insulted, but respected.

Peter says, "Do this in order that your prayers not be
hindered." The relationship between husband and wife is so
fundamental that if it is ignored, it will destroy our relationship
with God. Prayer is the lifeline between us and God. And if we
do not live with our wives according to knowledge, and if we do
not honor them, then the very lifeline to God is interrupted.
The Greek term actually means that it is "cut". We cannot
sustain our relationship with the Lord, we cannot say we are in
fellowship with him, if we are not acting according to the truth.

Now, these are good words. They may be a bit frustrating, but
they work. It does not matter how difficult your home situation
is, or how hopeless it seems to be. God can set it right if you
will determine, by the grace of God, to act according to these
principles. Any home can be set right. You say, "Well, you
don't know how bad things are. You don't know how difficult my
husband or my wife is." But God does not hold you responsible
for your husband or your wife, primarily; he holds you accountable
for yourself. And that is where you must start. C. S. Lewis said,
"Of all the awkward people in my home and in my office, there
is only one I can do very much about." We start with ourselves,
with a commitment that, by God's grace, we will be what God has
called us to be in our homes. And we can rest in God to accomplish
what he has in mind for that relationship.

Father, we are grateful that we do not have to listen to the
counsel of despair that surrounds us today in the world. We thank
you that your counsel is one of hope, one that will change our
homes. And we know that it is your indwelling presence which
makes possible obedience to these terms. So we pray, as we go
back into our homes and face whatever circumstances are there,
that according to your promise in Isaiah, we might mount up on
wings as eagles, run and not be weary, and walk and not faint.
We ask in Jesus' name, Amen.