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Dating Failures: Angry Men and Bitter Women

I have been writing a series of blogs on dating practices. Sometimes I make recommendations. Some people respond by telling me about a success they have had; but the greater number of comments argue against my suggestions, and against the prospect of dating altogether. What has struck me reading these remarks is how angry and bitter they are. These responses, and other similar comments I have heard from patients, divide unevenly into two groups:

Most of these men and women, many of whom have responded anonymously, state plainly that all of the people they have dated are miserable human beings. “Men HATE and FEAR confident women.” “Men only want beauty queens.” “All men want is sex,” (this from a 60-year-old woman,) “Women just want a meal-ticket,” “Women like to ridicule men and make them feel small.”

“I have been internet dating for 8 years. It’s a cesspool,” said one woman. Can we believe her? I don’t mean, can we believe that all men are rotten human beings, the kind of thing you would find in a cesspool. Of course not. Probably no generalization about men and women, favorable or unfavorable, would be entirely accurate. There are decent men and women who behave decently. Many of the people we know seem to fit comfortably in partnerships that do not require one person to be berated or belittled by the other. What I mean is, can we believe that this woman is really telling us what she believes? Would she really continue dating for 8 years under cesspool-type conditions?

I saw a woman, Thelma, in psychotherapy twice a week, on Monday and Thursday evenings. I don’t remember exactly what symptoms brought her to treatment, but one of her problems was repeated difficulties in dating relationships. One particular Monday evening she was especially distraught and angry. She spent the entire session railing against the shortcomings of all the men she had ever known. They were superficial, loud, insecure, interested only in football and sex, in that order, and threatened by any strong woman who came along. I sat quietly listening to this harangue. I had previously challenged Thelma’s assertions about men, “all men, Thelma. Really? All men want to dominate women?” with no effect. She explained now in detail, with illustrations from her past, their various defects, which, as far as she was concerned, characterized all the other men in the world too. It was like listening for forty-five minutes to someone playing a broken piano. Still, I sat still. I try to listen respectfully.

When she came in Thursday evening, she was in a cheerier mood. She had become engaged, she told me, to somebody she had met after our previous session! In the space of that little time, she had contracted to marry someone she had just met!

“What about all that superficiality,” I said, trying to contain myself. “What about his trying to dominate you?”

Many men and women who have dated unsuccessfully become cynical, yet continue to date with the shrunken hope that there may be someone, somewhere out there who is an exception, who is worth knowing and loving. But, from what they say, they really know better. There is no one out there for them.

I think they are often angry because they suspect someone listening to them may think that the problem is not with the entire opposite sex, but with them. They are ready to fight.

The other group of people who comment on my blog state flat out that the problem is with them. “I really have nothing to offer. I can’t see why anyone would want to marry me.” “I feel disgusted with myself.” “I am undesirable.” “I feel inferior to every single person I meet.” These are only some of their comments. I have heard similar remarks over the years. I listen to them and imagine what a first date would think listening to them express (despite their efforts to contain themselves) thoughts of this sort. Most people do not want to date a loser, let alone someone who considers himself/herself a loser.

Sometimes these opinions come out slowly during the course of a relationship. Someone says to a lover, “I’m not good enough for you.” (No kidding, a number of people have repeated such remarks to me.) At first, the lover may be flattered. When he/she hears it a second and third time, it becomes annoying. In a way that person’s judgment is being slighted. Repeated still again, that opinion becomes convincing, and the lover becomes an ex-lover. The person left behind has another reason to feel undesirable.

Every once in a while, a reader writes in to remind me that it is possible for single people to live happily. I know this is true, but these others whom I am writing about do not wish to remain single. They say that they are or have been dating, unsuccessfully. Presumably, they want to meet someone someday and fall in love—and enter into a long-term relationship. But for the reasons they give, they have lost hope.

A Strategy

The problem with these all-encompassing views—both sets of views—is that they permit no strategy for fixing the dating problem. If every one of the opposite sex is contemptible or contemptuous of those they date, there is no way of finding anyone suitable. There are no suitable partners.

Similarly, if someone is so unattractive and unappealing and unworthy that he/she feels “inferior to every other person,” there is no way of presenting oneself in a way that would seem appealing or desirable. Such a person becomes invisible.

I would like to state here explicitly what everyone really knows: most single men and women want exactly the same thing. They would like to meet some interesting, worthwhile person who admires them and who comes to love them. They want to respect—and to have the respect of—that other person. They want to make a family where they belong and can feel safe. They want a partnership where both people are pulling together to accomplish goals they both share. They want to be in a trusting, loving friendship.

Most of them do not want to dominate someone else, ridicule someone else or use them to their own purposes at the price of injuring them. Most of them are not vapid or cruel. Most of them are not playing out a drama from their past in which either the woman or the man comes out on top. They want to feel that they are so closely tied to someone else that what one person feels, the other one feels also; and what the other person achieves is their achievement also.

If a person who has been disappointed over and over again can accept this obvious truth (after all, other couples come together) it is possible to think about what that person is doing wrong. It is not that something is wrong with him/her; it is that that person is doing something wrong. The most common mistake is to hesitate to reach out systematically to others who are themselves interested in meeting someone. Then, of course, they have to make an effort not to suggest immediately that they suspect this next person has just stepped out of a cesspool. Then, if things go wrong systematically later in the relationship a serious, non-judgmental attempt should be made to discover and fix the problem.

The second group of unhappy, lonely men and women must also come to understand that there is nothing wrong with them, but, very likely, plenty wrong with the way they go about dating. Dating is very like certain other stereotyped situations—going on a job interview, learning how to study for a test, learning to be away from home for the first time—which are difficult at first, but less difficult with experience. Of course, what is most appealing in anyone exists somewhere in everyone. This is friendliness, kindness, concern for others, and a willingness to share a life and to love.(c) Fredric Neuman. Follow Dr. Neuman's blog at fredricneumanmd.com/blog/ pr ask questions at fredricneumanmd.com/blog/ask-dr-neuman-advice-column/

The focus of this post is that there are many different types of people out there and one has to seek out the right person for a successful relationship. I agree.

But I am not totally in disagreement with the woman that says all men want to dominate a woman, watch football and have sex. There is a teensy bit of truth there. And, although I don't date women, I might agree a little bit that all women might want a sugar daddy.

It's funny that no matter how enlightened and self-actualized we are, our rearing and cultural-norms can subconsciously come back to bite us. I've been on many dates with men that say they want a confident women, and want to have fun on weekends. But truth be told, after a few months, 100% of the time the male love-interest will attempt to assert some tiny amount of control, will start spending his weekends watching football and start complaining he's not receiving enough sex. Down deep he may not want control, or watch hours of football or even have sex, but men tend not to feel manly in America unless they are doing these things. Women probably are programmed to make sure they are reaping some sort of financial reward from their love interest.

I know listening to people complain is tedious, but perhaps there is an ounce of truth to what these folks say. Over the age of 45, more men want to be in a relationship than women, and yet there is not one article here on Psychology Today suggesting how men can achieve that goal. The advice is always the same: Date a lot, keep an open mind and lower your expectations. Meeting people to date isn't all that hard, sustaining a relationship is. Those open-minded outgoing daters who are looking for love can quickly revert to controlling introverts the minute they think they have what they want.

OK i am a little bit angry at this moment. I have had a lot of accusations thrown my way. Cartesian being one of them so I am very sensitive to that. I have boundaries but i think i am good guy.

My good friend calls some people starfish that means they are unable to course adjust and make thing happen. Seems like most of the women i meet are in fact starfish they want the man to solve all the problems. I honestly feel like a victim of that kind women i have a good have a good heart and honestly try to help. I put my money where my mouth is and where my beliefs are and do what i can.

So far no luck with that i am no fool quite successful but i can not break that mold. I know i am doing something wrong i would like some advice.

I really loved this article. So much of dating is knowing yourself first, taking responsibility for your behavior, acknowledging that dating is scary, and having the confidence to know that you will survive the hurt if things don't work out. A lot of people don't know this in a visceral way, and therefore approach dating from a place of failure. Dating is hard. Relationships are hard. But anything that is worthwhile in life doesn't come easily. Landing a dream job takes mastering your craft (investment of time), networking (putting yourself out there) and being confident in your skills (self worth), being brave enough to know that if you apply for that dream job, and then don't get it you will be okay, you won't be broken and it is not a reflection on your worthiness (i.e. facing and overcoming the fear of rejection and having self compassion). We think dating should be easy because the movies tell us so, but finding a healthy loving relationship is the same. In short it takes courage, risk, and being responsible for figuring out what is really important to you and for going after it. Focusing on what is being "done to you" rather than how you encourage certain behaviors by remaining in a relationship where your needs are not being met only perpetuates the cycle.
I hear so many girl friends say there are no good men out there. That's an easy way out.
There are 7 billion people in the world.
It's so much easier to blame the other person in a relationship for not getting what you want. And if someone doesn't give you what you want, it's more a reflection on them, because people can only give what they are willing to give and what they have to give, and in relationships people always show us who they are.

Being the victim of date fraud and deception, or (much worse) a false accusation of sexual harassment or date rape, is dating "failure" the same way a bank robbery is a security failure -- except the whole culture is now cheering the criminals on.

Expecting women to properly regulate themselves and do the right thing is like expecting big Wall Street money to do likewise. Ain't. Gonna. Happen.

Don't date! It really pisses the stupid incompetent pimps off by exposing how weak and powerless they really are.

I dont see much "strategy" in this article. I basically see a therapist releasing some steam about angry men and bitter women. This article didnt give me hope or methods to let go of the bitterness, like I hoped when I started reading it.

When we go out many of us men are hoping to meet a good woman to settle down with as well, but many women nowadays are very stuck up to meet and very stupid. Most women today just play very hard to get and really need to grow up. Many of us men are very serious since we really want to find love again, but many women now just don't want to date anymore.