– As I’m sure you’re all aware by now, Brandon took the week off in order to celebrate his girlfriend Destiny’s birthday. I know some of you might not think it’s a valid reason to skip out on writing jokes about pro wrestling, but it’s something I totally understand. I know when I celebrate the birth of a DT, writing is almost a logistical impossibility. Y’know, on account of the violent, involuntary shaking and the formication paranoia. Keep a vigilant eye out for those silverfish, Brandon!

– Anyway, my name is Justin O’Connor. I’m not Brandon, but I’m a lot like him. Well, in the same way Mega Bloks are a lot like LEGO. I might not be what you wanted, but I’m “close enough,” and since your parents are inattentive monsters you’ll have to just suck it up and find some use for those awful brown and green pieces. Like, say, attempting to swallow them until you get the toys you asked for in the first place. Or until the school places you under precautionary care and you’re not allowed to open a carton of chocolate milk without adult supervision.

– What I’m getting at is if you guys squint really hard and skim through the pop culture references fast enough, you might be able to delude yourselves into not being able to tell the difference. If that doesn’t work, you’re probably best off treating this week’s column like a regular Brandon column; except you just found out he’s underwent severe head trauma and now everyone’s just being polite by telling him how great he’s doing “in spite of his condition,” between giving one another “holy sh*t” eyes. Trust me, it’ll be easier for everyone involved.

– I don’t have any personal stuff to plug, so you’re off the hook this week. Not really though. Leave a comment.

Now that the formalities are out of the way, let’s tell some jokes about pro graps!

Great job Justin. Last night was a great show, the only worst I think you missed was John Cena referencing Kane as hating christmas and dentistry. We all know he was the Christmas Creature and Isaac Yankem, but the only way Kane works is if he seems inhuman. It’s just like when Cena talked about Del Rio’s rental cars. We all know it’s fake but it’s fun to pretend.

I mean, does John Cena want to fight “Glen Jacobs” instead?” What would that accomplish, other than disappointing Destiny?

Oh,and Brandon, they won’t do that, they already did that to Christian this year. They will wait until next week at least. If for nothing else than to get one article that you write with D-Bry as Champion.

It’s weird that this keeps happening, but Raw was really good and Triple H wasn’t on it. Amazing.

Was it me, or did that feel like a fucking WRESTLING show last night? It starts out by making a big deal about the guys with the belts being really fucking excited to have them. Then there’s more guys really upset because they lost their matches last night. Then there was a tag team match where both teams looked like teams. Then there was an awesome main event that the crowd was fired up for because it was really exciting and not because they want to chant at Cena for the 654th episode in a row. Awesome.

Wow, nice work, Justin–for a moment, I thought B was pulling a fast one on us. In the words of Sammy Sosa, “ees so REAL!”

“That’s what wrestling needs if it really wants to get progressive. An openly gay wrestler who doesn’t define himself by his sexuality and will bloody your ignorant nose if you try and start some shit.”
I thought they already had William Regal for that?

“Was it me, or did that feel like a fucking WRESTLING show last night? It starts out by making a big deal about the guys with the belts being really fucking excited to have them. Then there’s more guys really upset because they lost their matches last night. Then there was a tag team match where both teams looked like teams. Then there was an awesome main event that the crowd was fired up for because it was really exciting and not because they want to chant at Cena for the 654th episode in a row. Awesome.”

If you think about it…when Triple H started winning ALL the belts is when Raw TUMBLED in the ratings…May of ’02 Hulk Hogan is champ, Triple H becomes heel-god for the next 4 years, Steve Austin retires, NWO comes back….it was a multitude of events that made everyone turn away….for me mostly Steve Austin retiring.

Great read Justin. I really enjoyed last night’s show, especially the opening and closing, for obvious reasons. To see Punk and Bryan as champions on their respective brands gives me hope for the future. Or at least until Bryan loses the title on Friday and HHH returns to Raw.

My Worst for Raw was Alicia Fox. From walking in wearing the carcass of Basil Brush on her head, to trying to smash Beth Phoenix’s face with her finisher, to trying to emote even a little bit on the mic, she is god-awful. Beth Phoenix must have died a little inside when told she was finished feuding with Kelly Kelly, only for Alicia to be next in line.

And finally, being Irish, I can say with absolutely certainty that The Irish Curse is a complete and totally fallacy *crosses legs in shame*

Going to off you for spoiling Breaking Bad. I wait for it to come out on DVD dick nose.

However, great fill in for Brandon. Maybe Daniel Bryan will snap on Big Show for crying like a puss cake last night. No mention of the 5th cryptic video?? Which is obviously for the return of D-Lo Brown *head shake* *wave around European Title*.

“I’ve watched hundreds of desperate indy wrestlers throw themselves through tables, fly off of ladders and get stabbed in the face only to transform magically from robots into blingwads; all in an effort to make names for themselves, and in one fell swoop Wade Barrett plugs Randy Orton in the eye with his thumb, undoes all that and transports me back to a time where I’m marking because George Hackenschmidt is wrestling a bear on the carnival midway. Also, I’m wearing a punched-out top hat and roasting a single bean over a fire in some transient work camp.”

Another worst not mentioned: The Bellas complain to Mr. L about being sexually harassed and he said he’ll look into it. Not even 5 seconds later, Hornswoggle sexually harasses Vicky Guerrero infront of Mr. L and a freaking Lawyer, who is supposed to be defending the rights of the worker, and, nothing? Bull. Shit.

Zack Ryder is a total dick for not thanking John Cena.

@Robert Conspiracy: I think you’re onto something. He should totally do a 99% protest gimmick and talk about how his communications degree in 19th century South East Asian media from a place dubbed Texas Canada, has left him unemployable, and thus, he has to do something he hates, which is wrestling. Just to feed his cats.

I seriously just finished up watching all four seasons of Breaking Bad yesterday after about a week of finally getting around to watching it. Otherwise, I would be very, very angry if I just had that spoiled.

The best part of the main event (and the whole show, really) was that it seemed like an exercise to show off how awesome Punk, Bryan and Ryder are. Love this kind of thing and it’s way better than Jack Swagger’s title reign where every match was designed to make him look like a goof (TM Michael Cole). A good start. I’m happy.

I made a mental note on a recent Smackdown with (I think) Orton and Ryder taking on Ziggler and Barrett and thinking how great it was to see so many new faces in a main event. This week we have a 6-man with WWE Champ CM Punk, World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan, and US Champ Zack Ryder against Del Rio, Miz, and Ziggler in a Raw Main Event. I remember thinking in 2010 how the main events would look like any main events in 2009, so there was no damn point in watching. And now this. It’s just awesome.

Not only did you try way too hard to be funny but you also spoiled Breaking Bad out of nowhere. Seriously, that’s a dick move. Even if it was a spoiler, you could have just let us think it was a joke and not be an even bigger dick by going “HEY GUESS WHAT?! I JUST SPOILED THAT FOR YOU WITHOUT A WARNING LOLZ!” The writing wasn’t as thorough as Brandon either. I give Brandon shit for loving Alberto Del Rio but I’d rather read an article composed nothing but ADR fellating before I ever read one of your assclownish articles again. Seriously, fall down some stairs.

Very good recap. The flea market bit was excellent and you nailed why the “entrance through the crowd” gimmick is so perfect for these guys.

In fact, you should look into doing your own recaps! You could do them on another site, competing against Brandon for a few years, trading the lead in pageviews, until you guys finally bury the hatchet and do a joint column.

But after a few weeks, you might feel restless, and brandon might feel threatened. Tension builds, until finally you BLOW UP at him, attacking him with a sledgehammer. The readers would wonder if Brandon even had a pulse, while you would go on to MAEK POOPIES all over WL.

Finally, Brandon would come back, bury all of the new columnists that sprung up during this feud, and your space bar would blow out for the 1000000th time.

Thanks for the words, everybody. I had no fucking idea how much time actually goes into these things. At this point I’m convinced Brandon is some sort of super robot sent back from the future with the explicit purpose of writing insanely funny, in-depth wrestling recaps. Regardless, your approval is rad. I’m glad laughs were had and I feel kinda sad about spoiling Breaking Opposite-of-Good.

Loved the article and your style, hope you do more recaps. One small thing, Irish Curse isn’t about the Irish having small penises. It’s actually about going out, getting drunk off your face and the alcohol causing you not being able to get an erection. Please change it because you make us Irish Broski’s look bad lol.
Either way, great article, especially the stuff about Cena not being “our guy”. I’ve been saying it for years that Cena isn’t targetted at the older audience so why treat him by older audiences standards? If I don’t like Tuna, I don’t buy a fuckin’ Tuna baguette and then complain that it sucks lol.

@Gavin I’m not gonna try and convince you I tried the appropriate amount as quantified by the department of weights & measures to be funny (I have a certificate,) but interestingly enough I DID fall down a couple of steps at work yesterday, so there you go!

Not my least favourite “Best of WWE” article so far but it was pretty bland. Ruined particularly by the mentioning of “John Cena doesn’t deserve all the hate guize. I don’t get why y’all haet him. He a pretty cool guize and don’t afraid of anybody.”, of course the Breaking Bad spoiler and lack of AJ pictures.

Other than all that A+!

I do get sick of Brandon sucking Alberto Del Rio’s dull dick and mentioning his slight weeaboo wrestling interests though, so it was nice to not have have to put up with that.

Sorry, I scrolled past all the comments, but is it just me, or did the main event have an indie feel to it? That ain’t a negative criticism; I liked it, and everyone involved. They can easily have 3 feuds develop with any of the participants.

Also, Daniel Bryan as World Heavyweight Champion for as long as possible, please, Mr. McMahon? You have my permission.

Also, no mention of Cena saying Kane got a little weird around the holidays or when he has to got the dentist, clearly referring to his Christmas Creature and Isaac Yankem DDS gimmicks? I feel like Brandon would’ve chided Cena for that.

And I also thought that Kane was doing the Mandible Claw, but maybe that’s just me.

I kept thinking Cena’s notch in the neck of his shirt was because he works out so much, his neck barely fit into his shirt. Then I realized it was the same trick that Hogan used to employ. That makes me a little sad. Kane isn’t strong enough to rip a shirt off of someone without a little help? Dammit, Kane, its like you spent all that time off growing hair instead of actually working out.

Great job filling in Justin! Solid recap and I can’t say I disagree with you on any Best/Worst. And that’s not just because you dropped a Wodehouse reference that made this librarian think there is hope for humanity after all. I think the fact that you were able to throw a Hackenschmidt reference into this week’s column proves that this actually felt like a wrestling show for the first time in a long time. That six-man match showcased the future of the WWE (if only Vince lets it). Sure, we got a botched ladies match which left Beth with an awesome shiner courtesy of an under-trained diva, some more VEILED RACISM and SEXUAL HARASSMENT, and more whiny, depressed Cole than anyone needs in a two-hour dose, but all in all, it was a solid wrestling show. And please oh please, wrestling gods, don’t let them turn Bryan’s title reign into a joke… Must I sacrifice some tofu on the Altar of Gotch to make that happen? I’ll do it… I’m really bummed I’m stuck working the 26th so I can’t be at RAW in Chicago. But at least I know I have this column to cheer me up on Tuesday. I’d love to hear your take on this past week, Brandon. Maybe a short piece before Smackdown?

I wish this show could have happened closer to the week wrestling was “cool” again. It would have been nice to show a bunch of people a Raw where the belts looked like they mattered, new interesting characters were being presented, and no homophobic slurs were thrown back and forth as opposed to Triple H taking over.

What are the chances that on Friday, Teddy Long announces that, since The Big Show was not properly made aware that D-Bryan (Remember when Booker gave him the nickname D-Bryan?) was cashing in MITB, the match didn’t count? Remember when the ref would actually make sure the champ was semi-lucid before ringing the bell? That practice seemed to have ended when Bryan tried to cash in against Mark Henry. If he’s handed the briefcase back one more time, he’s going to throttle Teddy with it.