As a betrayal trauma recovery coach, I know this experience like the back of my hand—specifically because it’s such a common, nearly universal experience. In our heads, we understand that it’s not actually about us! And yet we don’t get it, because in our hearts… our souls… we feel rejected, unchosen, unloved, discarded, devalued, not exciting enough, not pretty enough… just plain not enough.

Whether your husband directed his sexual attention and energy toward people onscreen or in person, what he didn’t do was keep his sexuality just for you. For survivors of betrayal trauma, this not only damages our sense of self-image, it strikes straight to the heart of our sense of self-worth.

So the damage is done.

Damage to our sense of worth and how we see ourselves didn’t start with our husbands’ betrayal. Throughout our lives, many of us experienced:

Childhood messages that skewed the way we saw ourselves, both internally and externally

Bombardment with images and expectations that don’t line up with reality, or aren’t congruent with the truest expressions of who we are as unique human beings:

The way our bodies should look

The jobs we should pursue

The clothes we should wear

The way we are supposed to behave (i.e., what being “feminine” means)

As betrayal trauma survivors, these experiences accumulate as direct assaults to our sense of self-worth. They eat away our sense of individuality and autonomy; they make us begin to doubt the beauty and wonder and uniqueness of who we really are. Because of this, many women begin to look externally for validation that we fit in, that we are loveable and desirable, that we are indeed enough.

For women whose husbands are porn/sex addicts, most of us suffer potent additional damage to their sense of worth and how they see themselves because of:

“If you only ________ then I wouldn’t have turned to porn/other people.”

“You are the problem–you are too angry, insecure, untrusting, etc.”

Comparing/competing with the “other person”

If I were (skinnier, taller, shorter, etc.)

If I were “sexier”/more “adventurous”

Eventually, these experiences result in feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and disconnection from who we really are. And therein lies the crux of the matter—because how can you love and know the worth of someone from whom you’re completely disconnected?

The Road to Healing Self-Worth: How Did I Get Here?

As I am writing this, I am more comfortable in my own skin than I’ve ever been—both before and since my experience of betrayal trauma. I know myself better, accept myself more fully, love myself more deeply, and am more connected to my voice. I see my worth with so much more clarity!

Healing my own self-worth hasn’t been easy, and like my client last week, I needed other women to help me get started. So, how did I get here? Along my road to healing self-worth I had to internalize a number of key things:

I had to reframe my self-worth. I had to shift my beliefs about me. My worth does not come from what I do, or how I look, but who I am!

I had tostop trying to please everyone. In order to even recognize the core of who I was, I had to stop trying to be the woman everyone else wanted or expected me to be! It was freeing to realize that not everyone has to like me. A client of mine once resonated with this and exclaimed, “Right! Not everyone likes pineapple!”

I had toembrace curiosity. Curiosity became my gentle-yet-thrilling invitation to discover who I actually was! Who am I? What do I like about myself? Why? What’s important to me? What are my opinions about things? What do I like about the things I like?

I had toaccept my whole self—even the bits that need work. I had to renounce the belief that only perfect people are worthy. I replaced that belief by embracing the truth that I am worthy just as I am.

I had toidentify the lies. In order to accept my whole self, I needed to identify the lies that had kept me from accepting myself, and delighting in who I am. Once I identified the lies, I was able to disarm them with the truth of my own self-discovery.

I had to give myself permission. It’s one thing to do this work; it’s another thing to fully embrace it. I had to dispel the idea that delighting in myself and loving myself fiercely was somehow self-centered. With a heart of humility, being deeply connected to and loving oneself fiercely is transformative! By giving myself permission to embrace this discovery, healing my self-worth became a positive process. Not only was I healing from the trauma and pain of my past; now I was healing toward the triumph and joy of my future.

“Perhaps, we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us, they know exactly how it should be done.” –Rudy Francisco

My message here is this: when it comes to healing our self-worth after feeling compared to “the other women,” there is nothing more powerful than connecting deeply with the unique women we actually are, seeing ourselves with eyes of wonder, cherishing the things about us that bring us joy and make us feel alive!

I needed help from other women to begin my journey of healing my self-worth! If you need coaching on this specific topic, consider joining my online Betrayal Trauma Recovery support group, Healing My Self-Worth & Self Image. We have a space waiting just for you!

Once we connect with these things, and truly love ourselves fiercely, it becomes difficult for anyone to ever again rob us of our sense of worth! May you find this to be true on your healing journey, dear sisters.

About the author, Coach Sarah

Coach Sarah is a Certified Professional, Relationship, and Partner Coach at Betrayal Trauma Recovery, trained by the Association of Partners of Sexual Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS). She is passionate about using her story and her training to help people heal from the devastation of betrayal trauma and the effects of gaslighting. Working alongside therapists, Sarah provides support and care through individual coaching, group work, classes and workshops. She’s also a mom to two amazing kids. Sarah lives with her daughter and son in Austin, TX.

11 thoughts on “How to Restore Your Self-Worth After Competing with Pixels”

My hubby has been 3 years “sober”. He’s stopped choosing porn yet still chooses his female friends and not me. I thought that if he gave up porn (a 50 year habit), he’d choose me. Nope. He just doesn’t enjoy physical intimacy with me and doesn’t want to talk about it.

It sounds like your husband isn’t really sober, just that he’s found a new way to feed his addiction. In old-time 12-step circles, that’s called being a “dry drunk.” True recovery means that your husband should be able to build emotional trust with you. If he’s not emotionally trustworthy with you, then I would say that the lack of physical intimacy is simply a symptom of the problem that still exists for him. It sounds to me like he’s still using some kind of relationship with other women to meet his emotional needs, just like he did with porn. And in that case, I would consider what boundaries would be appropriate given the reality of your situation. Here, here, and here are some articles that might help you think that through. Peace to you, Kay

This is all very good but what if your married to a woman who has no interest in sex? I tried to save it for marriage I was not a virgin when I married. While trying to be affectionate on the wedding night I got a sharp elbow in the ribs. I’ve tried to talk to her but she says she’s satisfied I’m the one with the problem. We’ve gone almost a year without lovemaking. For an anniversary present I got a NASCAR baseball cap and T-shirt. How romantic I’ve prayed and talked to my pastor who had no answer.

Hi, Mike – I have no silver bullet answers here. This is a blog post from an expert on this topic. I can say with confidence that if you decide to tackle this issue, it’s going to be much harder before things get better. Cracking open whatever closets that might be contributing to your current situation could be painful. But, commit to persevere. And, surround yourself with a whole crew of wingmen who will support you through this because whatever dragons you try to slay will fight back and the enemy is going to want you to quit, divorce, cheat, prostitutes, dive into porn, etc. Get ready for a fight. But, maybe the blog post will encourage you to know that you’re not alone.

I would like to put a biblical twist on this author’s excellent article on self-worth. Who am I? I am a child of God who has been redeemed, restored and forgiven in Jesus Christ. When I get defensive I say, “I know whom I have believed and I am persuaded that He is able.” When I get timid I say, “If God is for me, who can be against me?” When I get fearful I say, “The Lord is with me at all times; I have no need to fear.” When I feel inadequate I say, “Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think anything of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God in Christ.” When a low self-image comes over me I say, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” The redeemed of the Lord are to say what He says about us. When I feel weak I say, “I am strong.” There is nothing inferior about me because I am a new creation in Christ Jesus. In spite of my past experiences, “I am strong.” This is the language of faith, the language of victory! “Let the redeemed of the Lord say so!”

Well written Stephen. That is the most positive advice I have read here. I am a child of God fearfully and wonderfully made. These are positive thoughts I need to focus on. Through His help I will overcome this trial He has allowed in my life. A counselor friend has helped my husband come back to the Lord.
I would not allow myself to give up. What seemed so bad has been deemed for good.

Well, HE rebuilds the trust. The person who broke the trust rebuilds the trust by trustworthy behavior over time. He gets his internet filtered, blocked, and accounted for. He goes to therapy. He goes to group. He has actual human beings that he talks to when he fails–not just you. He reads books about his problem and seeks to understand it. He takes the initiative, and he keeps taking it throughout the process of recovery. He’ll be doing all those things without a lot of pushing and shoving from you.

Aside from those kinds of behavioral trust-building behaviors, he will be emotionally trustworthy. He will care about how you feel. He will make time to listen. He will not shame or blame you for your emotions. He will be patient with your process.

Here’s an article I wrote a while back about those two kinds of trust. Hope it helps you evaluate how things are going.

If he’s not trustworthy in both areas, then consider what healthy boundaries will look like for you: here, here, and here are some articles.

Dear sisters who feel low self worth. I am in no way judging or belittling your circumstances, as I too have many shortcomings in this regard, but I think these experiences are a wake up call to get our love, confirmation, purpose of life, whatever it is we need from only God, the Creator. It doesn’t say anything about you at all what other people do, how they behave, even what they think of you. People will betray you, so it’s not the right place to put our hearts. It’s also not gonna lead to us truly being compassionate. Because if we’re only treating others good desiring some good treatment ourselves then it’s not really giving anything at all. It’s being dependent on others. Truly loving someone is loving someone despite their stupidity and unfair treatment of you. Though in a marital relation ofcourse that shouldn’t be tolerated out of wisdom. There should indeed be clear expectations of fidelity in a relationship. BUT all I’m saying is our spirit’s eyes really need to look elsewhere. God has always existed and He is All Knowing. He has always known about you specifically, your name, your person, your true self. He created you. He gave you eternal life. How could you then place your dependence on anyone else for feeling worth it? Rather the one who is mistreating you in a relationship, you should feel sorry for them that they are looking in the wrong place, and lead by example. May God guide you and lead you to all success in this world and the next.

Thanks for this perspective! I agree with you that finding our true value will lead us into healthy behaviors. Rather than looking to another person to define our value and worth, we can accept our inherent worth and then make choices that reflect who we truly are: GOOD BOUNDARIES! We love those around here! Here, here, and here are some articles on how good boundaries can reflect our inherent worth.

Where do I as a man go for this kind of encouragement? I was lied to for years about why my wife was so angry and sexually unavailable. I discovered she had many sexual relationships prior to our marriage which included two abortions. None of this was revealed to me until we had been married five years.

When it comes to porn and men, there seems to be a lot of clarity: Shame and accountability for the man who must be made to face his sin and blame. Encouragement and support for the betrayed wife who is beautiful and wonderful and blameless.

Reverse the sexes and the circumstances, however, and suddenly the clarity gets less. My wife went through abortion recovery and was told she was wonderful and beautiful and forgiven. But there was no recovery for me. My wife got the encouragement and I was told nothing. Nobody to tell me how beautiful and wonderful I was. Nobody to tell me how wrong it was that my wife lied to me for years. Nobody to tell me that I was not wrong to expect regular sexual relations in marriage. Nobody to heal my hurts.

I went to Promise Keepers and it was all about how I needed to change and be good enough for my wife. I have gone to mens ministries that are all about how I married over my head and how I need to love my wife as Christ loved the church. Duty and sacrifice and putting her first and making sure she is always happy. If she is not happy then it is my fault because I am not good enough. If she threatens divorce during times of financial stress then it means I am a failure because my job doesn’t pay enough.

I am a promise keeper. I am there to help with the kids and the chores. I try not to expect sex “whenever I want it” but it seems she never wants it. Do I just wait forever? Does anybody have a ministry for me? Is there a counseling or recovery program for me?