Phoenix Suns fans are funnier than Canadians

Yes, the Spurs are fresh from a beatdown of their third victim in the playoffs last night. And our team once again is heading to the NBA Finals, as is our birthright.

In the spirit of celebration — and to rub salt in the wounds of the asinine — let us ignore the vanquished Utah Jazz and their hoodlum fans, and instead take a short trip down delusional memory lane and renew our ridicule of the weeping people of Phoenix.

Like the blow-dried ijjits of Dallas, the sun-dried ijjits of Phoenix are pretty good about embarrassing themselves. They don’t even have to try very hard. But this time, it’s kinda sad.

We beat them. They lost. But they can’t let it go.

Their willingness to be walking “kick me” signs presents a serious problem. It calls into question one of the basic principles of modern science and one of the basic rules of all show business:

Canadians are the funniest people ever.

We’re not even counting Lorne Greene or William Shatner

For years, it’s been proven fact that Canadians are a naturally funny people.

That’s pretty much the history of professional show business comedy, beginning with Silent Films and up through “Cheech & Chong;” the funny years of “Saturday Night Live;” “SCTV;” and “The Kids in the Hall.” Even Suns star/Canadian Steve Nash is funny when he flies around and cries to referees.

Phoenix: “The City That Never Thinks.”

That’s an impressive list of talent, but not as impressive as this gem, the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind*, found yesterday courtesy of the Intertron and the Arizona Sports Fans site. It was written before last night’s game.

This guy can’t be serious…can he?

26 million consumers vs. 6 million consumers

For some reason the NBA is in love with small market San Antonio. I couldn’t put my finger on it entirely until I realized even though San Antonio is small…it is in the gigantic Texas market (comparable to California and New York).

Obviously there must be a lot of “closet” Spurs fans in metro Houston and Dallas and all over the state buying Chevy’s and Bud-Lite (commercials that pay the bills for ABC, ESPN, and TNT).

Heck, with both the Dallas Mavs and Houston Rockets out of the playoff race (both Texas teams), the NBA “knows” and figures Texans’ all over the state will be “tuning in” to view a local state team win a Championship. Texas as a whole is a huge market spending lots of dough on American product(s).

Arizona with only 6 million in the entire state can’t compete with the Texas consumer of over 23 million. 23 MILLION consumers in Texas! That there is a lot of trucks, beer and Tim Duncan jerseys that will sell.

San Antonio will win in 6!

Why? Because the league has been and will always be “fixed”. Listen to and hear this FACT. There hasn’t been a “non-huge market” team win the NBA Championship since over 30 years ago.

Two Suns starters (Amare and Diaw) will be suspended for Wed. game guaranteeing a Spurs victory all because San Antonio’s Robert Horry “body checked” two-time MVP Steve Nash in the final minutes of the game. Complete chicken-**** and dirty play, but the league ironically will penalize the Phoenix Suns for doing nothing, while the Spurs thugs get a way with murder. Game 6 in San Antoinio will go down as one of the worst officiated games ever as the Spurs rout the Suns winning the series.

Congrats to the Spurs for “playing” the Jerry Springer slash “politically correct” system-society we live in today, and good luck against Detroit in the Finals.

It’s all about which market generates the most “sales” kids. Don’t let them kid ya.

Funny how I’m pissed (even though the Suns won)!!!

Not letting go is one thing. Not letting go and maintaining such strong delusion two weeks later, however, is comic gold..

Other things that Phoenix people believe

• Global climate change is a plot to make the rest of the world an arid wasteland and steal tourists from Arizona.

• The NFL is conspiring against Phoenix by using lasers to cause brain damage to the owners of the Cardinals, thus making the team the laughing stock of the league.

• Water is overrated.

• When Arizona resident and Megadeth front man Dave Mustaine injured his hand several years ago in Texas., it was not an accident.