The Women Men Marry

Setting The Bar For A Proposal

Some people like to tell the stories about their relationships. You know the ones – how they met, the first date, the proposal. I tend to stay a little quiet on the last one, as it is a source of embarrassment for me. You see, if someone asks how I proposed to my wife, she is quick to jump in and point out that technically, I didn’t. It wasn’t that she did the deed; I just did a lousy job of it. After a night out where we had discussed the future of our relationship, we were still talking as we drove home. Sensing what we were on the verge of deciding, but unsure if I was reading it right, the conversation went like this:

Me: So would you?Her: What?
Me: Marry me.Her: Are you asking me?
Me: I think I am…Her: STOP THE CAR!

I am ashamed that I didn’t do a better job, and she regrets not replying with, “Maybe you should ask me and find out!” but it’s in the past now, and happily the marriage is going better than the proposal. But for many guys, the idea of proposing comes with a lot of baggage. Hollywood hasn’t helped us by painting the picture of lavish gestures and extreme declarations of eternal love. Honestly, most guys would love to book the Air Force Display Team to sky-write our proposal, but it is unlikely to happen. However, if we think that we are expected to do that, then we’re probably going to stall the whole process while we think through who we know with access to jet fighters. If we feel that there is some great pressure to do something outstanding, then we may just avoid the exercise altogether rather than risk messing up something that is seen to be so important.

This means two things for women waiting for that vital question.

1) Moderate your hopes and expectations by the realities of your relationship. You don’t have to toss out every thought of romance; just don’t set the bar too high. Let your man know that this moment is one you want to remember, but also that it doesn’t need to make the front page of the New Yorker as well. If he is not in the top wage bracket, don’t dream of balloon flights or weekends in Paris. Similarly, if he isn’t the sensitive sort, poetry and moonlit dinners in the desert are unlikely to happen either.

2) Remember that the proposal is a means to an end. What matters isn’t how spectacular the occasion is, but what it signifies. If he is asking you to marry him, what will matter in five, ten or fifty years is the relationship that came about through it, not what was happening when he asked.

Most importantly, communicate this stuff to your guy. If he is under the impression that you are waiting for him to sign-write the moon, he will break out in a sweat whenever marriage is discussed. However, if he knows what you really find important is having a beautiful relationship, with an amazing life together with little concern about how to get there, then the pressure will be off and the possibility that the wedding will be on is that much higher.

There are ways to help a man realize that he has nothing to worry about and that he should feel completely secure within your relationship to take the next step ===> Getting Him To Propose

Sincerely,

Dan Kelly

P.S. Do you have a question you would like Dan to answer, or any of the other guys at Women Men Marry:

1) Please be specific when you ask your question. Asking questions like “Why are men jerks?” is not enough information to go on, to provide a decent response. What exactly did this guy do to make you feel like he was a jerk?