Divorce is a relatively straightforward application made to the Court that provides the Court with proof that you were married, that you have separated, that you have been separated for more than 12 months, and you don’t believe you are going to get back together.

“They won’t give me a divorce”

21 Apr “They won’t give me a divorce”

Sometimes I sit with people who are feeling stuck. To be honest, most people I sit with are feeling stuck. But, today I am thinking of the people who are feeling stuck being married to someone they no longer love, and often do not live with. Their relationship is over, long over, sometimes years over, and yet they sit. With their finances still blended, houses in joint names and nothing finalised.

When I ask why they are so stuck, I often hear “he won’t give me a divorce”, or “she won’t give me a divorce”.

You know what, “he” or “she” couldn’t “give you a divorce” if they wanted to.

In Australia, divorce is a relatively straightforward application made to the Court that provides the Court with proof that you were married, that you have separated, that you have been separated for more than 12 months, and you don’t believe you are going to get back together.

Your ex doesn’t “give” you a divorce. The Court does.

And a divorce, is simply the piece of the paperwork puzzle of ‘FamilyLawLand’ that gets you “not married anymore”. It is like the reverse of your wedding ceremony.

It wasn’t your wedding that blended your finances, or gave you the arrangements for who worked and when, and who cared for children and when, and for those of us who changed our name, it wasn’t the wedding itself that changed our name. Each of those things we did separately to the wedding, and at a time of our choosing.

Similarly, a divorce doesn’t separate your finances, sort out the arrangements for your children, or change your name or do anything else other than make you not married anymore.

Before that wedding ceremony, and the saying of the words, and the signing of the papers, you weren’t married. Once you said the things, in front of the right person, and signed the papers, you were married.

It is just the same with the divorce application. You have to “say the things” (declare on the application that you have been separated for more than 12 months) “in front of the right person” (that has to be submitted to the Court on the right forms) and “sign the papers” (you have to sign a copy of your application in front of a qualified witness), in order to apply for a divorce.

So, if you’re ready, you don’t have to wait for “him” or “her” to agree to a divorce.

As with most things in ‘FamilyLawLand’, it is definitely easier if you both agree that it’s time, and can sign a joint application. But you don’t have to wait forever, to “not be married anymore”.

Lessons from LawLand,

Kathryn x

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Who Gets the Dog? is more than just a practical book filled with useful tips about separation, divorce and family law in Australia. It’s got all that in spades, of course, but what Kathryn Hodges achieves within these pages is to inspire those on the brink of, or deep within, the breakdown of a relationship to open their eyes to the possibilities. The possibilities of empathy, understanding, peaceful division, and of course saving bucket loads of money on legal fees! ‘Kathryn’s book has an undercurrent of compassion, something sadly absent in the cut and thrust of family law, and certainly rare amongst the lawyers who ply that trade. Having worked with many clients in this space over the years, I wish this book had been available then to give to them. At least some of them could have saved some of their hard-earned dollars … and hard-to-heal scars after reading it.

Warrick Bidwell, warrickbidwell.com

‘Let’s face it; there’s still stigma around a relationship breaking down. Especially when there’s kids involved and not to mention the aforementioned hound. People are going to come out of the woodwork to give you their horror stories, their results based on their experience, and many of those people are going to be highly wounded as part of their experience. What Kathryn does with this book is help you to put those much needed headphones on and sit in the process in your peace. As soon as you start reading, you will be able to breathe out knowing that there is a way out of the distress. ‘One of my favourite quotes of all time is by Sara Henderson, the amazing pastoralist and author who ran Bullo River Station in the Northern Territory: “Don’t wait for the light at the end of the tunnel, go down there and light the bloody thing yourself.” This book is you taking back your right to calm by lighting the bloody thing yourself. I wish you well on your journey to your new normal.’

Amanda Foy, The Emotional Strength Trainer

Kathryn Hodges has captured the very essence of family conflict and then, in a very easy-to-read way, provided an excellent alternative. This book needs to be published and made available en masse. My hope is that every single person going through separation gets the opportunity to read it. It really has the potential to change lives.’