The writer begins by explaining how ugly this "debate" is: both sides get heated, call each other names, and generally behave poorly. I agree - "quack" and "sheeple" seem to be the two derogatory terms thrown across the line at the opposing side regularly.

But when the researchers analyzed the comments they were surprised to learn the following:

Both sides expressed similar levels of anger, but the most significant finding was that the pro-vaccine comments were more emotional and fearful, while the anti-vax comments were more logically structured, and tended more toward ideas related to health, biology, research, and science.

For me this is validation of a gut feeling I have had after following this debate for years. Yes, both sides can get nasty; but, I have long felt that those on the "anti-vax" side (many prefer to be called "pro-choice", but I will stick with anti-vax since that is what is used in the article) are more likely to present their arguments respectfully and often more persuasively.

Here is what I hear from people who question vaccines:Do research. Then do more research. Make an informed choice. Be sure and feel confident before you vaccinate because you can never undo it once you make that choice. (Watch Dr. Suzanne Humphries here - she says almost these exact words towards the end. She is one of the most intelligent "quacks" I have come across yet!)

From pro-vaccine people I hear:Vaccinate! Or else! Or your baby will die! Or you will be responsible for someone else's baby dying! Vaccines are 'safe and effective' - ALL of the experts agree. So if you don't do as they say because you think your "Dr. Google" degree is better than them, then you deserve to be shunned, shamed, jailed, and even die!"

Leslie R. Martin, PhD., co-author of the study, makes sure to point out that the surprising outcome of the study doesn't mean that the anti-vax crowd is "right" though. The study was only analyzing the words commenters used, not the content and whether it is actually true. So anti-vaxxers are just calmer, more logical, and focused on science (but not necessarily "good science.") In addition, the study found that anti-vax commenters are more confident. This finding is explained away by the scientists with the Dunning Kruger effect in which "people overestimate their competence".

I guess it's not possible that their confidence comes from years of research, experience, and evidence they've seen with their own eyes. I have a scientific term that might explain their confidence too, it's called Occam's Razor which basically says, "when you have two competing theories that make exactly the same predictions, the simpler one is the better." Explicitly: When parents see their children's health affected after vaccination which makes more sense - vaccines had something to do with it or it is a coincidence and there is some other unknown, elusive factor that caused the problem?

Later, under the heading "Influencing Public Opinion" Martin says:

“Providing information by itself is probably fairly futile because it leaves out the emotional component–the fear, anxiety, and suspicion–which seems to be a huge driver,” Martin said. “It’s not just a cost-benefit analysis, devoid of emotion and pre-existing biases.”

Wait, what?? I'm confused. We just got through going over how the anti-vax crowd is the logical group who are more concerned with health, science, and research. The pro-vaxxers are the fearful and emotional ones! Or wait, maybe the fear IS working. After all, the vast majority of our population DOES vaccinate. Perhaps providing only information is futile because the information is not strong enough to convince on it's own. Maybe, just maybe, fear and pro-vaccine arguments must go together to become a "huge driver" of vaccination.

The cognitive dissonance in this article is astounding.

People questioning vaccines, selectively vaccinating, spacing vaccines out, or refusing them altogether are intelligent and educated. This fact is not new. Now we have a study confirming that the comments coming from that "side" are more on topic and less fearful (I would venture to say less hateful, but that was not a word used in this article!) Once again, instead of really seeing the results for what they are, the researchers and readers are performing mental gymnastics to make them fit into their comfortable paradigm.

This should be short and sweet. I have started to share other people's thoughts, experiences, and stories on FB regarding vaccines. In particular I am sharing people who write about their lives after vaccine injury.

Basically it has gotten to the point where I just feel I CANNOT be silent anymore. It feels wrong. It feels like I am being a coward. If feels like I am leaving people out in the cold, all alone: Good people. Brave people. Suffering people. People like me and you. Fathers who had the same hopes for their children that all daddies do; dreams that are wrenched from their hands, outstretched towards a future that will never come to pass. Mothers who now dedicate their lives to children who will never grow up healthy and independent, and STILL somehow find time to share what they are going through... because they want to help others.

I started really thinking about vaccines when Gerry was born. He is 7 years old now. I have read a LOT on the issue. I've bought books. I've read way too many comment threads that have left me feeling sick to my stomach. For many people this is not "enough". "Google university" will not ever compare to an MD; believe me I'm well aware of that fact. I don't claim to be an expert and I don't think I have the answer on this controversial issue.

But I have been paying attention to the debate. Rarely a day goes by without me dedicating some time to thinking or reading about it. I've seen the legislation being passed in California and other states. I've followed the VAXXED documentary touring the country, and watched it (and others). This is an issue that is not going to just "go away."

I don't expect to change anyone's mind on this topic. People who believe in vaccines feel very strongly and people who don't believe in them are just as set in their beliefs. But I do believe we need to add a whole lot of compassion to the discussion. I will NEVER understand how people who are for vaccines for everyone, no matter what the situation, can explain away the hundreds of thousands of people sharing their stories of vaccine injury. Do they think ALL of these people are lying? Or do they believe, maybe they aren't "lying" but just misguided - looking for a reason to explain whatever ails their loved one? Perhaps the most common rationalization is that these reactions are so "rare" that it shouldn't really be part of the conversation.

Call me naive, but I do believe that the large majority of these stories are true. And there are so many of them with so many commonalities. No matter how many times people say "But, Science!" or "Correlation doesn't equal Causation" it doesn't sit right with me. There are too many people suffering. Too many babies dying or regressing within a short period after receiving vaccines. I don't believe in coincidences that happen over and over. Science needs to catch up with these real lives and real people, not just keep insisting that "anecdotes" are not scientific proof.

We all want the best for our families, children, and loved ones. We all want to lead happy, healthy lives. We don't agree on what the best way to achieve that is. Please if you think that parents who question vaccines are stupid, irresponsible, deserve to be in jail, have their children taken away, or to die a terrible death - stop and reconsider. Think about the following:

Most "anti-vaccine" people were once very much "pro-vaccine". Many have children who had awful reactions to vaccines, some are permanently disabled, some are dead. ​

If you think that "anti-vaxxers" are "fear mongering" consider and admit that we are all motivated by fear to some degree. Why is one side "fear mongering" while the other side has "Truth" on it?

There have been many articles that point out that the people refusing vaccines are actually "highly educated". Why is that so? And how does that line up with the idea that people who oppose the current vaccine schedule are ignorant or stupid?

Not every doctor or person who questions vaccines is a "quack" and when you use derogatory terms like that you are not helping your case. Same goes for people questioning vaccines - people who choose to vaccinate are not all "sheeple."

I do not wish to debate about the worth of vaccines. I think the topic is very complicated - it is NOT black and white. If it were simple and so obviously beneficial to EVERYONE this "debate" would have died long ago. I only wish to be brave. To let people who are FAR BRAVER than I am know: I stand with you. I want people to learn to question their own thoughts (I question mine every day!) and to listen to others with love.

I can hardly believe that these desires of mine are controversial, but they are. I am one of "those" people. I question vaccines. If you know me, I think you know what kind of person I am. I think you know that I am not stupid or ignorant. I hope you will still want to continue your relationship with me, whatever it may be - friend, family, loved one. I bet there are more of "me" in your life than you know. Because most of us make our choices and then go about our lives trying not to rock the boat. I've decided I can't be silent anymore and it is my fervent hope that it will not cause me to lose people in my life, but if I do I am prepared for that. Please consider your words because you never know who may believe differently than you and have a different experience than you. Love thy neighbor. It's that simple and that difficult.

I want to change the world, instead I sleep.I want to believe in more than you and me.But all that I know is I'm breathing.All I can do is keep breathing.All we can do is keep breathing

Ingrid Michaelson, "Keep Breathing"

I had an "aha" moment today. And like most epiphanies it felt profound, even though at face value it was about as "Duh" with a capital "D" as you can get.

I realized - I can't do everything I want to.

I know. Deep.

It sounds a bit negative too, but ever since I had that thought I actually feel quite light. Free.

Let me explain a bit more. I've known for a long time that I can't "have it all" and I've never really wanted or expected that. I knew that every choice had trade-offs. Choose to stay home with my kiddos - no high powered career path. Choose shrimp scampi - no steak and potatoes. Choose another baby - put some things on hold again - like learning guitar or becoming a doula. You get the idea.

But still, we humans take a long time to learn some lessons. And many lessons we must learn over and over again. This year I had to reset my speedometer back to almost zero after Carter was born. And I did it quite easily and joyfully. But as the months have slipped by, expectations started creeping back into my brain.

Last year when I was pregnant I was able to take really good care of myself. I did start learning to play guitar (well, I started that before I was pregnant, but continued right up until I was about 5-6 months along); I continued yoga; I took naps; I ate well. As I expected it is harder to take care of myself this year with a newborn. But I know that it is important to make time to do things that are good for me, so I'm working on it. (Move, make music, and WRITE are my top 3.)

But of course I have chosen to home-school my 3 amazing kids - so that must take top priority most days. And while unschooling gives us a lot of freedom, it is still a full time commitment to be available to my kids and support them to the best of my abilities.

Then there are the less important, but still necessary, tasks - you know, like laundry. And Marisol wants to be vegetarian now, so we need to kick things up a notch in the kitchen. Every few days I like to bathe; and, cutting my nails a couple times a month takes a few minutes. I wash diapers every other day and clean the kitchen most mornings. And why are the kids hungry so often? (Ok, so keeping us fed is kinda important, but also so... daily and mundane!)

On a grander scale, I want to create a community that supports me and my family. And I want to help others. I want to re-imagine the world so that injustice and hate no longer have such prominent spots on the nightly news. I want to be a role model for my kids and show them how to help others and how they can help make the world a better place. These things are... noble, but, when I dwell on them too much and feel like I'm making little progress they can start to bring me down too.

And I haven't even mentioned yet how every week I call and text and email our peeps, to make sure we see friends on a regular basis. Trying to find time in schedules packed too tight with soccer and gymnastics, drama class and piano is no simple task!

And afternoon nap still is quite high on my priority list. I've grown to like being well rested.

I want to do all these things - great and small - but I often struggle to even keep us all fed and even-tempered on a daily basis. And so, I finally realized: I can't do it all. It's not possible. Not in one day. Probably not in a week or a month. Over a lifetime... maybe.

I've been feeling better on the days where I have a couple of small goals. For instance, one day I focus on laundry, the next on playing with friends, and the next on cooking. I've decided that the best time for me to write is a few minutes before bed. And I did some stretches and exercises with Marisol yesterday.

Maybe you will feel some relief with this thought too:

I can't do it all, but I can do something!

One of the reasons I can't do it "all" - but he is so worth it! I mean, look at that face.

I want to quickly hash out a couple of thoughts I have about an article I saw going around that calls "screen time" and technology use "Digital Heroin."

First of all, I didn't read the article. I didn't even click on it. I knew that there would be no new information that could help me on my parenting journey. I also didn't feel threatened or upset by it either - it was more of a "same ol' same ol'" moment that I quickly moved on from. It is nice to be at a point where I don't get upset by articles like these or question our choices every time I come across a fantastic piece of "clickbait".

A friend posted a rebuttal that I did read and enjoy. I found it to be quite reasonable and to fit what I've learned about technology and its use in our family. (I know many of you may be thinking that I am falling into the confirmation bias and I'm sure I am. But once you've researched, read, and lived something for a while I think you need to not read everything that you come across. You come to a point where you need to be at peace with your decisions and look at your life as objectively as possible and assess if what you're doing works for your family.)

I thought it might be helpful for someone, somewhere if I shared my thoughts and experiences. In no particular order, here are some thoughts that jump to my mind:

1) I get why parents are scared. But as many have pointed out, we are always scared of the "new thing". TV, Radios, even BOOKS were vilified when they became first popular. When Marisol was a baby I read a book and tried to limit her "screentime" (why do I keep putting it in quotes, you may wonder? Because "screentime" includes so many different mediums that it is not logical to lump them all together as "one thing" - read more here.) The book told me that screens were changing her brain. Well, that sounds scary! After years of reading and thinking and trying I now think - well, OF COURSE IT CHANGES THEIR BRAINS. But is this a bad thing? That is the question to ponder and look into.

2) On that note - this idea of being "addicted" is another very emotionally charged one. Our brains "look the same" when on heroin and using screens apparently. If you read the rebuttal I linked above, the truth is that the reward centers or our brain "light up" when doing all sorts of things - eating and having sex are two other activities that cause similar brain patterns. But being addicted comes about because of abuse and/or other deficits in our environment - mostly due to not having enough love and support. If our relationships with our children are strong and we are lovingly connected they are not likely to exhibit addictive behavior. Addictive behavior is trying to fill a void that is not found in humans surrounded with loving environments. I've noticed when I'm with people I have no problem putting my phone down because I want to connect with my loved ones. But it is always a choice. Mostly I choose to put it down and engage, but sometimes I sit in the same room with my husband or sister while we play on our phones - because sometimes that is how we want to relax! And that's fine.

3) My kids are at their "stations" (computer/TV/gaming system) a lot. More than most parents in our culture are comfortable with. And yet - they both stop and go do other things quite easily. This week is quite hot so we went to a spray park and dinner with friends one day and another friend's pool another day. They went willingly and happily. Marisol stops watching YouTube and playing SIMs to go play with her friends. Gerry stops watching videos of his own accord most nights and says "I'm ready" when it's time for us to go to sleep. They are not limited and therefore they can walk away knowing they will be able to come back to it where there aren't other things (like sleep or play!) to do. I'm not saying it's perfect. And yes we do have our phones and a portable gaming system to bring with us places. We do this to make our lives more enjoyable and to support Gerry's big love for gaming. But they certainly don't exhibit "psychotic" behavior!

4) Gerry has seemingly learned to read overnight. Ok, it wasn't overnight but it was quite a transformation over the past couple of months. He has not had one "lesson" and I have not made any effort to "teach" him. He has learned from his games and videos. I am surprised every day at the words he is reading. He tells me new things every day, like the difference between "No" and "Know." He asks me questions and I explain, like the sound that "ing" makes - and then we brainstorm a whole bunch of words that have that sound. It is fun and effortless and his new skill has almost entirely come from unrestricted "screen time". Of course now it has expanded outward and he reads EVERYTHING that he comes across - signs and my texts (a smaller screen) come to mind. :-)

5) Yes my kids are at their stations a lot. But most kids are in desks for a significant part of the day. I think of it as their "chosen desks". They are so dedicated that every morning they sit right down and "get to work." If only we were all so lucky to be so eager! They are also free to leave their stations to move, go to the bathroom, talk to me etc. And they do! Quite often. Marisol currently goes to the trampoline, her bar, and stretches almost as much as she sits at her desk. Gerry is more dedicated to his desk, but we got him a birth ball and he is rarely "sitting still."

With any "study" we need to remember that almost all of the "subjects" are school children because most of our population is in school! How much more interesting and informative might it be to look at a population who is NOT in the school environment? That is a HUGE confounding variable that most people ignore because school is considered the "default". Of course there are many people, myself included, who do not believe school as it is now SHOULD BE the norm or "control" group.

6) Carter (6 months old) is already showing interest in the phones around him. Of course he is! He's wired to explore and learn. Mostly he wants to grab it and put it in his mouth. But also the light and images and sounds catch his attention. Am I absolutely thrilled by this? No. But it is an opportunity for me to change MY habits. To put down MY phone and pick up a book or a board book. To put music on (my phone - haha!) and sing to him or dance around. My kids follow my lead when I make other choices. And I'm not going to be too worried when he starts using my phone in appropriate ways either.

Finally, I know that many parents might argue - well that is fine for YOUR kids - but I can see it is bad for MINE. I do not claim to know what is best for all other kids and families. But I do know that many might look at my kids and think they are "addicted" - I simply disagree. I encourage other parents to keep seeking out alternative ideas, experiences, and information if the mainstream fear-mongering doesn't seem quite right to you.

Random Ramblings:So I was reading an article about parenting (which actually was arguing against the use of that word - "Parenting") today. Some of the research cited talked about how when we directly "teach" our children we are actually limiting what they learn (which I think most of us would agree is not our goal!) For example, if we show them the "right" way to use an object (toy, tool etc.) then we often miss out on them exploring and being much more creative about how they will use said object. Makes total sense.Later this morning I took a shower with Carter. Lately I've been putting a little hand towel down on the bathtub floor and letting the tub fill a little bit with warm water while I shower. He can see me and smiles and kicks and splashes. I get clean and can easily wash him too. If the water starts to get to high I simply take out the plug. At the end of the shower I pick him up and put him in the warm spray of water. Sometimes I can tell it is almost too warm for him by the sharp intake of breath, but I watch him closely and put his hands and feed in first to gauge whether the temperature is ok for him.Carter's first bath was with me in the tub. That time I sat with him and supported him gently. He didn't cry and I think he enjoyed floating in the warm water. Since then he has taken many baths with me and his big brother which has proven to be enjoyable too, and sometimes very amusing for all of us when something that Gerry does makes Carter laugh.Many babies in our culture are bathed almost immediately. But we have actually learned that waiting to bathe newborns actually has many benefits for babies! When I was a first time mom I bought a "special baby tub" to bath Marisol in and that is mostly where I bathed her.As I showered with Carter yesterday it occurred to me that all of these "Parenting" books and experts are similar to us "teaching" our children. Because all of these "directions" exist, it makes us parents (especially new parents) think that there is a "right" way to do things. Oh and lets not forget all of the STUFF! Of course we "needed" the special baby tub and the special foam mat to put in the big tub. (oh wait... maybe my arms and a hand towel are enough!) Many new babies scream and cry through bath time - it is common to hear parents saying "my baby hates bath!" or "yay! _____ had their first bath without crying today!"I wonder if we did away with all of the instructions and allowed parents room to TRY things - experiment with what works and feels best - if more babies (and parents!) might enjoy bath time and (not) "parenting".ps I'll put a couple of links in the comments.#randomramblings#bringingrandomramblingsback#trustparents#trustbabies#lessteachingmoretrying

Every day there are moments that I want to cling to. I want to freeze them in time and tuck them away in in a safe place where I can pull them up and relive them whenever I want to. Like Carter reaching his little hand into the shower stream yesterday - slowly, carefully - and staring at the water hit his hand, then looking at me as if to say, "Wow! What is this stuff? What am I feeling? What is happening?"

Gerry turned 7 last weekend and Marisol is 10 now. The reality is that I will NOT remember most of these "Baby Carter Moments". I know because I hardly remember anything from when his big sister and brother were babies! Recognizing this Truth actually makes the bitter-sweetness easier to bear. Because I am with my big kids every day and I am able to enjoy the moments without longing for the past... for them to be babies... In fact, it seems silly when you put it that way! Of course, I don't want them to go backwards.

​This is how I know things are as they should be.​But it doesn't stop me from taking a gazillion pictures though!

I mean - look at that face! It's hard to believe that someday - not so far away - this little, chubby, baby face will be a distant memory.

​After showering with Carter I wrapped him up in a towel and wanted to capture that moment. I mean I just look at him and my heart almost bursts! I want to cuddle him and eat him up all at once. It is the fiercest, mama-love feeling and it is almost overwhelming. Music is helping me so much to let the feelings out. The song "Maybe" came on my Pandora Channel.

MaybeBy Ingrid Michaelson

I don't wanna be the one to say goodbyeBut I will, I will, I willI don't wanna sit on the pavement while you flyBut I will, I will, oh yes I will

I don't wanna be the first to let it goBut I know, I know, I knowIf you have the last hands that I want to holdThen I know I've got to let them go

​I love how music always seems to speak to us - whatever we are experiencing or feeling in that moment - it seems like the words contain a message just for us. So I was belting out the words and dancing and Carter loves it so I'm feeling pretty happy. And I know that I really do need to "Let go". Let go of wanting Carter to stay a baby, let go of wanting to remember every little detail of this beautiful time (as if I could!) Just... Let. Go. (Thanks Ingrid!)

I was just up in NY visiting my hometown and went to my 20 year highschool reunion. Memories were flooding my mind that whole weekend.

So I also know that if I trust and let go, some of the sweetest, most important memories will "come back to me"... Maybe. (See what I did there?? haha.)

But still... I snapped a couple more pictures. The moment was too sweet to let pass.

The next song came on. "All We Are" (Was I still in the bathroom or were we getting dressed in the bedroom? I've already forgotten! Details. Foggy. Let them go!)

All we are... we are. Hmmm... sounds deep. Who can argue with that? But my favorite line this time was, "And every day is a start of something beautiful."

This third time around with a baby I am feeling so acutely how every day is a gift and just how very quickly they will slip by. Did I mention my first baby is 10? YEARS, that is... TEN YEARS OLD.

Just a few more pictures now. Then I'll stop. I promise.

I've been re-reading passages from The Continuum Concept. I'm kind of obsessed with it right now. I'm hoping to share some of the things I've learned and what I think it means to me and to our society soon.

But yesterday I had another thought related to it that helped me accept myself and my struggle. I mean I'm always saying, "Live in the Moment!" and it seems like it is a message we all agree with... so why is it so darn hard?!

And I was struck yesterday again by our modern way of life: how isolated we've made ourselves; that I am grieving the fact that this is probably my last baby. I realized it is perfectly acceptable for me to do so. Because the truth is, that if he is my last I won't experience this again. Even as a grandma. I mean I sure hope I have children and grandchildren that allow me a lot of snuggles and I know that being a Grandma is wonderful... but THIS particular experience of being the one to know my baby best and to be so close... I will probably not have this again.

The Yequana people in the book don't seem to struggle the way we do. But guess what? They ALL experience babies through every stage of their lives. They live TOGETHER as a tribe. They all help each other with their babies too.

And so I was comforted again, that maybe I'm not so "weird" after all. That I'm just trying to make sense of this wonderful life and mixed-up world that I am lucky enough to inhabit.

Many of us have read that famous essay, "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten." by Robert Fulghum. Well, I guess I took a little bit longer than that!

This morning my baby woke me up with the birds - squirming and kicking by me in bed. I did all the usual things to try to get him to settle back into a deep sleep - offering to nurse him, holding him closer by my side, laying him on top of me - but none of the things worked. It was clear that I was just putting off the inevitable eviction from our warm bed, so I finally got up and brought him downstairs. I held him on his little potty and sure enough - he had to go... BAD! Amazing! My little-not-even-4-month-old baby is already learning to not soil his diaper, even in his sleep!

As I held him I thought about my options; it was not even 6 am yet. Also, it's my birthday and I'm not really a morning person! So - back to bed would be the obvious choice, right? Except that now I have all these thoughts racing through my mind and I'm kind of awake. The powerful urge to share and write was rising through me. Plus I was pretty sure Carter would go back to sleep in his swing, giving me uninterrupted time, a gift these days. Baby in the swing and coffee in a mug and I am here, sharing with you some of the things I've learned in 38 years - some profound, some "duh", and some a little bit of both. Most of these things I've actually learned since becoming a mother, almost 10 years ago.

Here are those things in no particular order, without rhyme or reason - a Random Rambling for you on my birthday:

1) Almost everything I "knew" turned out NOT to be true:Who puts their baby on the potty? Everyone KNOWS that babies must "go" in diapers - Right?!? They can't possibly "know" when they need to eliminate or control that urge, RIGHT??

Wrong. Babies are way more capable and in tune than most of us realize. They CAN learn to eliminate in appropriate receptacles at a surprisingly young age. It's amazing and fun!

This is just one small example of something I used to "know" that turns out not to be the "Absolute Truth" at all. These past 10 years have really been about UN-learning many lessons that had become ingrained in my being without me even considering whether they were really true or not. This is pretty remarkable considering how well I did for the first 28 years of my life. I was the master of doing things the way I was "supposed to" and it really served me well. This made it difficult to change that pattern when I became a parent, but I'm glad I did because my family's life is better for it.

2) The best** way is often not the fastest or easiest:Putting your baby on the potty is actually a great analogy for this lesson too. Elimination communication is not the fastest, most efficient way to get your kid out of diapers, but it is a pretty great way to do it! The benefits are many - less diaper rashes, fewer or no "battles" with your child about using the bathroom, less diapers used, less clothing soiled etc. But yes, it takes time and commitment and it is not something that everyone can do.

Birth is another great teacher for this lesson. I chose to have natural births all 3 times. This last time I remember whimpering, "I can't!" minutes before Carter was born. Luckily I had so much love and support surrounding me that those moments were fleeting and I was soon riding the post-birth, oxytocin high! Afterwards I looked at Mike and said, "That was hard!" but I would not change one thing about that day.

**sidenote - The term "best" is very relative and very personal. My "best" choice is likely not yours - I don't really believe in "Universal Bests" anymore. You do you, I do me. Thanks for not being offended by my choice of words on my Birthday! ;-)​3) There are always "Tradeoffs":Every choice we make will have advantages and disadvantages, pros and cons, risks and rewards. WE CANNOT DO EVERYTHING. Women (particularly, mothers) CANNOT "Do It All." By choosing to homeschool my children WILL miss out on some of the school experiences that I loved. I cannot be home with my kids and also have a full time career. And my baby will not learn to go on the potty EXCEPT for in the early morning on my birthday when I'd rather sleep in! Tradeoffs.

4) Change is the only constant. Carter started out his young life pooping multiple times per day. It seems that he is "consolidating" his BMs now though and that has meant that the past 2 mornings he has woken up early needing to "go". This has meant an earlier rising time for me. I've mentioned quite a few times how well rested I've been since Carter was born - and I immediately "knock on wood"! Because I've learned that babies sleep patterns can and WILL change. Guess I better keep up with my nap schedule!

5) Kindness is always the best way and always possible:In the early years of parenting I struggled with a lot of things. I worried about the "right" way to do things. I stressed because I was doing things "differently." As I worked through things I finally realized the answer was always Kindness. This was a relief because it made a lot of things easier - I didn't "have to" follow the advice of the latest "expert" or punish my kids to be a good parent. It also meant that I didn't have to be perfect. Nope - it is guaranteed that I will mess up and that is ok because Kindness and forgiveness towards myself is part of this lesson, and self-love is crucial if I want to offer loving-kindness to others.

​I was actually pretty embarrassed when I realized that it took so much time and struggle to figure this out (30+ years!) But you know what? As much as we think we value Kindness in our culture we really DON'T. We pay lip service to Kindness while the value that permeates our culture is COMPETITION. We justify this by telling ourselves it is the only way to achieve happiness and success. So we tell our kids to "be nice" while ranking and sorting them and telling them that it is great when they outperform their friends. It is the basis of everything - from school and sports, to careers and capitalism.

So I guess I can forgive myself for taking so long to unlearn that lesson.

Bringing this back to the important lessons about babies, potties, and kindness. I don't believe that putting your baby on the potty is the "only" way or the "right" way. Kindness makes me recognize that there are many ways. Kindness reminds me that "my way" isn't even an OPTION and that I am very fortunate and privileged to make many of the choices I do. Kindness spurs me to share my experience in order to connect with others not to compete or judge.

6) Letting go, Living in the moment, and Accepting "What is" are the keys to Happiness and Inner Peace

Ok so that is kind of a lot to lump into one "point", but this is getting long and I'm thinking I should wrap this up. I'm pretty good at accepting "What is". I could have been upset or annoyed that my birthday started off with less sleep than I preferred. But instead I embrace my early morning and wrote this awesome post! Hopefully I'll make up with some rest later because I feel a scratchy throat coming on. But if I do develop a full-on cold, I will be ok and know that it will pass.

The other two are things that I have learned and know to be true, but still struggle with every day. I struggle to let go - of the bad and the good. I struggle to remain present often wishing I could go back in time or impatiently making plans for the future. Letting go and living in the moment is a tough and constant practice. Sometimes I seem to be getting better at it and sometimes I "regress". But I can always come back to the practice - just like we come back to our breath in meditation.

38 years to UN-learn and learn these lessons - hopefully many, MANY more years to get better, practice and relearn them when necessary. My 38th year was pretty darn spectacular which makes "Goodbye" feel a little sad and bittersweet. But if I can remember that life if really just a flow of moments strung together, then I don't have to say Goodbye. I can remember that This Moment is Enough.

I have so many things I want to write about every day. Or at least I THINK I want to write about them. So many thoughts and feelings swirling since Carter's birth. So many blog posts - starting with his birth and the postpartum period - but the truth is I am blocked when it comes to writing. It seems counter-intuitive that at a time when I am so RAW and my heart is so wide open that I would be unable to express all that is going on with me.

I spoke with one of my best friends the other day who just had her second baby about a month after Carter was born. She is at a very different place than me because she has two babies under the age of 2. After we spoke she sent me the nicest text telling me that she hopes our conversation didn't make me feel bad for "kicking ass as a mother." She reassured me that she finds my posts inspiring.

I was so glad that she let me know that. Because I've been posting lots of cute pictures of Carter and his big sister and brother these past few months. And honestly, I do feel pretty darn good about how things are going. I really am doing a pretty good job of taking care of all of us - myself included. But that is not the whole picture - and when will Facebook or Instagram or a blog post ever depict "the whole picture"? (Spoiler: NEVER!)

The honest truth is that in some ways I am really struggling. Not the same ways that I struggled when I had two "littles". No - I'm not sleep deprived like I was the first two times.(Someone, knock on wood quick! Because that is one thing experience teaches us - things can change at any time!) I'm also not grappling with what the "right way" to parent like the first two times - no angst about breastfeeding, no hiding the fact that I adore cosleeping, no worries about spoiling my sweet, little guy.

This time I struggle with despair. With a heart so heavy and achy that I feel it, like a living rock lodged in my chest. There is a gnawing pit in my belly some days that no amount of food can fill, making me physically nauseous. Some days I struggle with the motivation to do things, but most often I am able to carry on just fine. I keep smiling and getting food and I tell myself it will pass... and it does.

It's hard to talk about. I do a little bit, in fits and bursts. I tell my mom I've been feeling "low" or "down", I tell Mike that "I'm feeling sad today" but it doesn't really describe the depth of the feelings. I don't talk about it for a lot of reasons I guess. Maybe it partly is my ego and wanting to appear like I "have it together". But I think it is more because I don't want people to worry. I am "ok." I am NOT depressed (at least that is what I tell myself!) If were depressed I wouldn't be functioning at such a high level, right? If I were depressed it would last longer and not "pass." No, I don't think I'm depressed. I'm just struggling on some days.

So why share at all? Because honesty is important to me. Because sharing actually helps. Because I think it's normal and I want other people to feel like they can talk about their feelings too - because it DOES help.

Why do I feel despair? Honestly it is a "state of the world" kind of thing. I've always kind of considered myself an optimist, but I've been "moody" since I was a baby (ask my mom!) and the idealist in me wants to solve the world's problems even though I know I can't do it all. I cannot stand or understand how horrible we are to each other sometimes. It kills my spirit.

I feel despair because I've felt such great joy. I had the beautiful homebirth that I imagined and now I long to be back on that day again - safe, loved, cherished... I want to experience it again and know that I probably will not have that particular experience again. I miss my midwife and her assistant and then I feel like I'm very strange for missing them when my life is so great. I was so focused and happy during my pregnancy and now... it is over.

I finished reading The Continuum Concept and there were so many wonderful stories that fill in so many holes for me - so many pieces that fill in this strange, sometimes awful (and sometimes wondeful!), modern puzzle we've created. It made clear to me why we are all seeking and longing all the time and how we fill that need in different ways.

​What if we weren't meant to feel this way all the time? Is it possible that the "norm" could be a peaceful, joyful state? I think it is. But I do not feel guilty for the despair either. I know I must let myself feel it.

And every day the joy too. Every day seeped in bitter-sweetness so strong I can taste it. I see the joy and the overwhelm reflected back to me by my kids and I do my best to be a role model of how to handle it. I realize (again and again) that I need to protect myself sometimes - as I did when I was pregnant - because sometimes I cannot bear everything that is coming at me from the outside world. I remember how to take care of myself - to eat well and rest and go to yoga each week and create and write. I breathe. I embrace the rawness of this time, knowing that someday - not long from now - things will heal and change and grow and I will have new feelings, new blessings, new challenges and new joys.

Who am I kidding? Letting go and living in the moment are hard to do. I've been trying to capture every moment I can. I took this picture at the moment I described to you here, singing to you and marveling at your beautiful, wonderful, innocence.

Carter - you are 3 months old today. I will not say that time is going "too" fast because I'm trying to learn to let go and live in the moment. This is a constant practice. But I will say that time is going SO fast. I knew it would go faster this time - because the older I get the faster time goes. It's a universal human understanding, but it still boggles our minds. Also, I have your big sister and brother keeping me busy. It is a good kind of busy and "Time" is moving just as it should, I know. Still my heart sometimes resists and this clinging creates a sweet ache.

Anyway - moving on (and letting go!) The other day I was rocking you upstairs in our bedroom and singing to you. I have a favorite Pandora channel called "Lullaby". "All of Me" came on - and I crooned "I give you all of me" while you smiled back at me. I was struck by how "romantic" love songs are often perfect for describing a Mother's love too. You like it when I sing to you - sometimes you even "sing" with me, in happy screeches and warbles - so I am going to keep singing to you every day until you are old enough to tell me to stop.

I stared at you feeling the love course through my body. And I wondered how anyone can ever think that tiny, little humans can be "manipulative." How did we get to this place of believing that it's possible to "spoil" our babies or that we need to start "teaching" you how to be "independent" and "self-soothe" before you are even able to roll over on your own? My heart aches for babies and families who suffer - many unable to do things differently, confined by real and imagined restrictions in their lives, largely created by the culture they are steeped in. I wish things were different but I am grateful for the many blessings in our own life that allow us the freedom to choose our own way, as different or odd as it may seem to many.

You are growing at lightning speed, yes. Another piece of this puzzle is that things are easier this time. I told myself it would be - different and easier. This was my hope and so far my expectation has proven true. Is it because you are easier or because I am confident and sure of how I do things? Is it HOW I am parenting or your Nature that is making for such a smooth start to your life? My best guess is that it is a little bit of both.

You've slept with me from day 1 and we only used your bassinet a handful of times - mostly when I wanted to put you down for a couple of minutes so I could go to the bathroom or change my clothes. Miss Katie sure has enjoyed her new bed though!

She broke in the bassinet for you before you were born and now you have happily let her take it over. :-)

I've kept you in my arms as much as possible, using carriers to make it easier to keep you close and keep on living life too. I just finished reading the "Continuum Concept" and it reinforced my desire to keep you close as much as possible and to always respond to your sounds and cries - your way of communicating your needs to us for now.

I started holding you over the sink when you were 3 days old and you now use our little potty multiple times per day. This morning you were kicking and squirming for a good 10 minutes while I tried to soothe you back to sleep with nursing so I could get a few more minutes of sleep. But you didn't need or want milk - you needed to get up! So up we got, and I was rewarded for my efforts - you managed to wait until I got you to your potty! I am amazed at how well we are doing with Elimination Communication and it one of my favorite things about caring for you. You are content to sit on the potty with my arm around your solid little belly - needing less support every day now that your neck grows strong enough to hold your head up. After you've used the potty and I lay you on the couch to put a new diaper on (or the same one if it was clean!) you smile and talk to me. You are so happy and I love it!

Just 3 months old and already King of the Potty! So fun and helpful. :-)

Yes, you are content and that makes everyone in the family feel good. Marisol and Gerry dote on you. They help by talking to you and keeping you company. Marisol is starting to pick you up and carry you around - although not far because you are quite heavy already! (I can't wait to go to the Doctor this week and get your "official" weight - I think you are already 15 pounds, give or take, based on weighing you on our scale in my arms. I can't believe how big you are already!) Daddy loves to hold you and talk to you every morning and evening after work - sometimes harrassing with you with raspberries - his scratchy face rubbing yours. You are loved little one.

I wish everyone could experience parenting this way - joyful and with ease. You are already so good at communicating with us and I love meeting every need. We have completed the "Fourth Trimester" and it was wonderful. Onward and upward from here - literally and figuratively!

I know that in theory we all know that there is no such thing as "Perfect Parenting", but I believe in our hearts many of us still strive for it. Maybe it's another effect of our modern, competitive society. Maybe it's because we sense that we are "missing" something. Whatever the case may be, I think that a lot of us feel defensive when any idea or advice seems at odds with how we do something.

I know that sometimes when I read some of my favorite unschooling blogs or writings I start feeling like they do everything right and that I "should be" doing better.

So I wanted to share a short story. A few weeks ago I took my three kids (3!!!) to the zoo for my daughter's class. It wasn't the first time I had done it myself with all 3, but we're still getting the hang of how everything works with a new little person added to the mix.

When we arrived, Gerry had just about fallen asleep. This is the hardest for him because he is tired and groggy. So I wasn't surprised at all when he said that he "couldn't" walk.

Well, I knew we didn't have a lot of time to wait around for him to wake up since Marisol wanted to be on time. So I put on my Super Mommy cape - I mean I the baby carrier - Marisol helpfully carried our heavy backpack, and I had Gerry climb onto my back.Voilà! We were on our way. Of course I had Marisol snap a picture, because these days I take pictures of everything.

Super Mommy - or getting back in shape postpartum :-)

This was a good moment. A moment when I felt like I was doing my best. I don't care anymore if people think I look crazy or like a martyr or if they're thinking that I "should" "make" my 6 year old walk. I feel strong and competent and happy to meet all of our needs when I can.

Plus I didn't carry him that far. Ha! A little fresh air and I put him down and he was off and running, literally, racing his sister to the building where her class was.

Later, after class ended, we tried to get ice-cream. The first machine said "out of order." So we walked uphill to another machine. This one said "Cash only". Come on! Who carries cash anymore??

My son was tired and not pleased to say the least. "Why don't you ever have cash??!" he cried. And also - of course - he couldn't walk again. This time I didn't have my super mom cape. The baby was stretching out my carrier and riding low. Plus we were walking down hill now - surely he could walk.

We walked a bit with him crying and then he stopped. So I grabbed him under the armpit in a half-hearted attempt to "carry" him. Since he wasn't moving his feet (because he couldn't walk, remember?) it turned into me dragging him. I was tired and frustrated and after a few feet (yards??) I stopped. I probably walked a bit more then looked back.

"I hate you!" he shouted at me, his face contorted and sad - the first time he uttered those words. Not a milestone we parents normally like to mark and remember. I squatted in front of him. I didn't yell or tell him he was ungrateful or try to remind him of all I've ever done for him. Actually I didn't blame him at all - I was a little sad myself, but my behavior kind of deserved it.

I sighed and said, "I don't know what you want me to do, Gerry. What should I do?"

And with those words I knew what to do. I went back a little ways to a bench. Marisol and I sat and ate a snack while Gerry rested on the curb. I decided to re-do the baby wrap tighter so I could carry Gerry again. Marisol's teacher walked by and we chatted - I told her "someone was having a hard time" and we smiled. She told me "I don't know how you do it."

Well, I do know. I just do my best. Sometimes I make mistakes. I try to apologize for them. Later that night I talked to Gerry and he cried and told me that I was "dragging" him. It's true - I was. So I said sorry and that what I did wasn't ok and I wouldn't do it again.

Peaceful parenting doesn't mean we have all the answers - it means admitting when we're wrong and apologizing. It's not making excuses or blaming our kids for our own bad behavior. And then we follow through and try to do better while forgiving ourselves for being human.