--- In wanita-muslimah@yahoogroups.com, Dwi Soegardi <soegardi@...> wrote: > > Muslim women in a marriage bind > Muslim women in a marriage bind: > Stigma, shame, anger and rejection are among the consequences faced by > Muslim women in Canada who marry non-Muslim men > > === > Problem: > Muslim women face conflict with their religion, families and Canada's > multicultural ethos because of this devastating formula: > 1. Islam expects all Muslims to marry. > 2. Muslim women cannot marry non-Muslim men. (*) > 3. Muslim men can (and do) marry non-Muslim women. > 4. Therefore, there is a shortage of unmarried Muslim men. > > Solution? > > (*) ".. Statistics Canada census data shows that roughly 30 per cent > of Canadian Muslim women marry non-Muslim men." > === > > > http://blogs.vancouversun.com/2012/05/30/muslim-women-in-a-marriage-bind/ > > Note: Multi-faith Metro Vancouver is a place of high rates of > intermarriage and inter-ethnic dating. With Muslims now comprising the > second largest religion in Canada, I'm re-posting this piece in > response to interest from non-Muslim men and women who are finding > themselves falling for Muslims. And vice versa. DT > > Vancouver Sun ARCHIVES > Saturday, Oct. 4, 1997 > Column: Douglas Todd > > The murder this week by Muslim fundamentalists of 11 women in Algeria > who refused to wear veils was another shocking example of how the > struggle between religious fundamentalism and gender equality can play > out in some authoritarian Islamic countries. > > The consequeneces for Muslim women in Canada who choose not to adhere > to the strict tenets of their faith are less severe, certainly less > violent, but they still exist, especially when the issue is marriage. > > Like tens of thousands of Canadian Muslims, Amina Ali is tormented by > her religion's marriage rules. Islam, now the second largest religion > in Canada, teaches that it is sinful for Muslim women, but not Muslim > men, to marry outside the faith. > > The 36-year-old Indonesian-born Ali loves her Canadian-born husband – > but they argue about religion all the time. And in her more fiery > moments, Ali admits, she has told her husband she never would have > married him if she knew he wasn't going to seriously try to practise > Islam. > > Ali and another Muslim woman, Tannis (a pseudonym), agreed to talk > about the Muslim marriage double-bind in a Victoria apartment, while > their children played in the background. > > Barefoot in a green polka-dot dress, Ali is a vivacious, naturally > outgoing person. She moved to the Vancouver Island city after marrying > her geologist husband, Retno Buckley, while he was working in > Indonesia. > > Her spirited personality helps explain why she has become one of the > rare Muslim women, even in Canada, willing to speak about the marriage > pressure her religion creates on women. > > "I feel I have to tell the truth now. My husband says, `Tell the > truth.' But sometimes it's so hard for me." > > Muslim women face conflict with their religion, families and Canada's > multicultural ethos because of this devastating formula: > > 1. Islam expects all Muslims to marry. > > 2. Muslim women cannot marry non-Muslim men. > > 3. Muslim men can (and do) marry non-Muslim women. > > 4. Therefore, there is a shortage of unmarried Muslim men. That means > many Muslim women don't marry at all, which is against the teachings > of their religion. Or they marry non-Muslim men, which Islam judges a > grave sin. > > Professor Yvonne Haddad, a prominent Islamic scholar at the University > of Massachussets, says that Canadian census figures, which are far > more detailed than U.S. census data, reveal the extent of the marriage > threat to North America's roughly two million Muslim women. > > Statistics Canada census data shows that roughly 30 per cent of > Canadian Muslim women marry non-Muslim men, says Haddad. > > About half of those women marry non-Muslim men who either convert or, > like Ali's husband, suggest to mosque imams they intend to, but don't > follow through, Haddad says. > > The other half marry non-Muslim men, and live with the consequences. > > "That means 15 per cent of Canadian Muslim women, and probably a > higher percentage in the U.S., are living in sin," says Haddad. > > "In the Middle East, a woman who does that might be killed. There have > been cases. People pretend it doesn't exist, but it's a reality." > > > About half of Muslim women in Canada marry non-Muslim men who either > convert or suggest to mosque imams they intend to, but don't follow > through. The other half marry non-Muslim men, and live with the > consequences. "That means 15 per cent of Canadian Muslim women … are > living in sin," says Prof. Haddad. > > Women would not dare discuss the marriage bind in hard-line Muslim > countries such as Algeria, Saudi Arabia, Bangladesh or Afghanistan, > where fundamentalists have interpreted Islamic teaching to mean single > Muslim women must be flogged if found alone alone with a man, a raped > woman is unfit for marriage and female writers must face death threats > for saying religious laws don't give women full rights. > > In Canada, the U.S. and Europe, the repercussions for women who marry > non-Muslims are less brutal than in many Muslim countries, but they're > still serious. They include stigma, shame, anger and often separation > from the extended family. > > Tannis says she worries she may have offended Allah by marrying a non-Muslim. > > The anguish and uncertainty of the marriage double-bind for the East > African-raised Tannis is even stronger than it has been for Ali. > Tannis wedded a non-Muslim Canadian in 1992. The marriage is barely > working out. > > "I remember God telling me: `Don't marry a non-Muslim.' But I did," > Tannis says, dejection crossing her broad, handsome 27-year-old face. > "I was doing my best. I prayed for him to become a Muslim. But it > didn't happen because he was in a difficult time. I was feeling > regret: Why did I do it?' I was freaking out. But he's got a good > heart. I'm feeling calmer now." > > Children are the crux of the Muslim law against women marrying outside > the faith. Islam teaches that Muslim identity is transferred through > the father. That makes it all right for Muslim men to marry non-Muslim > women, because they don't pass on the faith. > > Although other religions, such as Judaism and Catholicism, also tend > to frown on intermarriage, the stigma against it in North America is > not that strong. In North America, more than half of the marriages > involving Catholics or Jews are intermarriages, compared to roughly > one-quarter of the marriages involving Muslims. > > RELATED: Vancouver's Muslim community anything but monolithic > > Which ethnicities do white men and women like to date? Study > > Why do Canadians resist intermarriage? > > Rabbi advises against marrying outside religion > > Due to high immigration, Islam has recently surpassed Judaism to > become the second-largest religion in Canada, according to Hassan > Hamdani, a Muslim who is also a Statistics Canada researcher. Islam > has more than 400,000 adherents in Canada (about 10 per cent of them > in B.C.), while Judaism has about 360,000 adherents. > > But Canada's Muslim population remains a small fraction of the world's > 1.2-billion Muslims – who range from a minority who emphasize > individual liberty, including freedom of religious practice, to the > large majority who more rigorously adhere to sharia, or Muslim law. > > Simon Fraser University Islamic history professor William Cleveland > says it would be hard to find an immigrant Muslim woman from the > Middle East who would marry a non-Muslim. The only Muslims in Canada > who would dare intermarry are Canadian-born or from countries, > including some in Asia and Africa, that interpret Muslim doctrine less > absolutely. > > Alexandra Bain, who teaches Islamic art at the University of Victoria, > says the pressure to marry a Muslim man creates an additional danger > for Muslim women in Canada. Desperate for a Muslim man to marry, they > look offshore for husbands. That leaves them vulnerable to being taken > advantage of by men who marry only to gain landed-immigrant status, > says Bain, a Canadian of French descent who converted to Islam when > she was a teenager > > Bain says her marriage to a Muslim man from Eritrea ended up on the > rocks – not necessarily because of immigration issues, but because he > was too bound by his culture's strict interpretation of Islamic law, > including those regarding women. > > "I love the religion with all my heart, but I don't like that the > women don't have choice," Bain says. > > Most of the Muslims who have immigrated to Canada in the past decade > are ultra-orthodox, says Bain. The newcomers are making things hard > for the relatively tiny number of Canadian-born Muslims, many of whom > have become more open to intermarriage. The new ultra-orthodox > immigrants, Bain is finding, are dominating Canadian mosques and > clamping down on any moves toward greater freedom. > > While the Muslim women sip tea and watch their children play on the > patio, Tannis listens to Ali talking about how her parents in > Indonesia don't yet know that her husband has not bothered to follow > Muslim practice since they moved to Canada seven years ago. > > To get married, Ali's husband had to recite the shahada – "There is no > God but God" and "Mohammed is the Messenger of God" – an act that is > considered the essence and beginning of being a Muslim. > > But, as with many men who make gestures of converting to Islam at the > time of their marriage, the commitment of Ali's husband to Islam did > not last. Muslim community members are now constantly asking Ali why > her husband does not attend mosque. > > "I have had to cover for him all the time." Ali believes they are > judging her. And she realizes it will get worse when her story appears > in print. But Ali is not too fretful because she knows her husband has > faith in God. And she believes only God, on Judgment Day, can truly > know what is in a person's heart. > > Despite the evidence, official Muslim representatives deny that many > Muslim women struggle in a marriage quagmire. > > Sister Zuleika Hussein, official women's representative at the Sunni > Muslim mosque in Richmond, claims she doesn't know of any Muslim woman > in Greater Vancouver who has married outside the faith. "It's a > serious sin," she says. > > Hussein, an immigrant from British Guyana, admits she knows of Muslim > women who fall in love with non-Muslim men. But she insists the men > always convert and turn into devout Muslims. > > Hussein says the different marriage rules for Muslim men and women > come out of the Koran. Koran 2.21 says Muslim men and women cannot > marry non-Muslims. Koran 5.5 , however, adapts the rule to say it is > lawful for Muslim men to marry > > > "There is a lot of heartache," says the president of the Canadian > Muslim Women's Association. She adds that imams won't talk to > non-Muslims about difficulties followers have with marriage. > > virtuous Christian or Jewish women. Since the Koran is silent on > whether women get the same privilege, Muslim sharia has declared women > do not. > > Fehmida Khan, president of the Canadian Muslim Women's Association, > explains that Muslim imams and other religious officials won't talk to > non-Muslims about difficulties followers have with marriage. > > "They're only there to give the rules and regulations," says Khan, an > India-born businesswoman living in Ontario who calls herself a Muslim > community leader, as opposed to religious leader. > > "There is a lot of heartache if a Muslim woman marries a non-Muslim," Khan said. > > "The family will want to keep it quiet. They won't take the same > pleasure as they would in a religious marriage. Some grandparents > might start by saying, `I'm never going to see my daughter or > grandchild."' > > Khan, despite her willingness to admit to problems in Muslim culture, > acknowledges she is caught between Muslim tradition and Canadian > multicultural attitudes that are open to intermarriage. > > But she still opposes it. Her grown children aren't married. And she > frets about who they may hook up with. She is trying hard not to > interfere. > > At least, Khan says, Muslims won't excommunicate a woman who marries > outside the faith. So there is always a chance for reconciliation. > > "I know people who have married non-Muslims and the family has rallied > after several years when they realize they are losing out on the > children." > > One of the main reasons Khan continues to oppose intermarriage is her > conviction that a Muslim marriage is much more likely to overcome > domestic troubles. > > Tannis, despite defending her decision to marry a non-Muslim, > acknowledges that stresses increase when children don't have a Muslim > religious upbringing. When she sees aimless street kids in Vancouver, > Tannis prays that her children won't end up like them. "I want them to > get away from that through religion." > > As for Ali, she still feels she and her husband can make a go of it, > despite their disagreements over religion. But she also feels blessed > that her children have been given the ultimate escape hatch from the > marriage predicament facing Muslim women. > > She's very happy her children are both boys. > > "I was so scared they'd be girls." > > LEVELS OF INTOLERANCE > > > The challenges for Muslim women who want to marry echo throughout > world. This is Conservative Peer Baroness Warsi, who was named > Britain's most powerful Muslim Woman > > In Canada, foreign-born Muslims are much more opposed to intermarriage > than Canadian-born Muslims – and they make up the vast majority of > Muslims in Canada. > > Only about four per cent of foreign-born Muslim women in Canada will > intermarry, says Hassan Hamdani, a Muslim researcher who studies > Muslim demographics through his job with Statistics Canada in Ottawa. > > But evidence of second-generation Muslims embracing Canadians' > openness to intermarriage is strong, Hamdani says. Almost 40 per cent > of Canadian-born Muslim families consist of a Muslim wife and > non-Muslim husband. > > Regardless of whether one opposes intermarriage or approves of it, > there is substance to Muslim leaders' fears that children raised in an > intermarried family could be lost to the Islamic fold. > > Roughly 77 per cent of Canadian children raised by a Muslim mother and > non-Muslim father do not count themselves Muslim (the Muslim drop-out > rate is 60 per cent of children raised by a Muslim father and > non-Muslim mother). > > By contrast, when both Canadian parents are Muslims, Hamdani's study > suggests 99 per cent of their children maintain a commitment to the > religion. > > (Feature photo by Baba Steve / of two women by Zanini H. / close-up by rosmary) >