…or a hug – depending upon where you sit on the compassionate-mind approach scale!

Today has been a bit of a ‘meh’ day. I have spent most of it with some lovely people on my coaching course, but I just wasn’t ‘in the room’ if that makes sense? In fact, all I wanted to do was scream ‘FECK OFF!’ at times! I have no idea why…well maybe I do – I think that I am tired and have been taking on too much in terms of my coaching, Slimming World talks, gym, volunteer work – and I am a shite sleeper too. So I need some ear plugs, some lavender oil and a chamomile tea I think…and regular eating so that I don’t get more fainting warnings!

I got a lovely message the other day from a lady telling me to give myself a break. I promised her that I wouldn’t write about it, but I felt that she had touched upon something that I wanted to explore a little. Another message that I got this evening reminded me of it…I was asked if I enjoy sharing my journey, and do I feel added pressure because of this.

The answer to both of these questions was ‘YES!’ I am so grateful to Mr WLB for encouraging me to share my experiences, even though I was rather reluctant to do so initially – all I wanted to do was lose my weight and become a foster carer, and I wanted to do this quietly and without fuss. There is an element of pressure there too I guess, but it’s a good pressure I think…and I will explain!

Sharing my experiences is cathartic and empowering and it helps to keep me accountable in a way. I have also met some amazing people on the back of my musings, which is wonderful. To share my feelings on a daily basis can be quite a challenge. There are things that I talk about which raise eyebrows and create disbelief. Yet there are things that I talk about which resonate with many…the weird behaviour I showed, and still show at times, around food is shared by a lot of us losers! Occasionally I will wonder if I should write something, or should I retain a little mystery and privacy…but as an all or nothing person, I am afraid you just have to put up with those ‘too much information’ moments…or stop reading!

So it’s great to just get it out. To rid myself of those thoughts and emotions that might have sent me running – well, waddling – to the fridge. It feels empowering to have found an outlet that doesn’t involve harmful behaviour.

The accountability factor is high too. How can I take photos of my food and preach about healthy eating if I don’t do this myself? I feel that I have people willing me on and whilst I understand that we are all human, and so make grave cock-ups at times, this pressure feels like good pressure to me…most of the time.

Which leads me back to the lady who told me to give myself a break. She’s absolutely right. That good pressure is self-inflicted. I feel that I have to constantly perform. I am sure that you would be perfectly understanding and reasonable if I had an off day. Yet I put the pressure upon myself to not have an off day. I have my goal in mind and I am going for it. Personally, I think if you have a goal then you should do everything within your power to achieve it…if it is really the goal that you want. And I want to reach my weight loss target…so I am going for it.

Maybe I need to ease up occasionally? I mentioned getting a bit tense about not getting to my aquafit class on Tuesday…but I wasn’t well for fecks sake – I had almost fainted and had been force-fed a biscuit to sort myself out. So I really do need to learn to ease up without worrying that my goal will fall out of sight.

Easing up and giving up are two very different things…but I think I have convinced myself that they are linked. A week of taking my foot off the pedal with the exercise won’t hurt. Neither will a total PJ day. Neither would an extra bags of crisps one day if I fancied it. Goodness me, I have already shifted over 18.5st and so need to recognise that this behaviour won’t throw it all back on in one night, or week even. But it’s the fear of heading backwards that keeps me going. Also, the new habits and behaviours that I have developed, and am still developing, help with this too.

Everyday is not a battle. It’s not easy, but it’s not a battle – and yes, I do realise how contradictory it sounds. I was explaining today to a rather wonderful lady at uni – who was definitely not in danger of being screamed at by me – that each habit takes time and commitment to develop, but that they soon become part of your life. Much as you developed unhealthy habits, you can create new ones – don’t try and focus on breaking the old ones…focus on creating new ones. So none of the, “I am giving up fizzy drinks for life” shite…but more of the “I am going to drink water” stuff…develop new habits that will eventually overcome the old ones.

Anyway, I am in danger of talking bollocks now – I am tired, grotty and snappy…so I will sign off with a bit of a request for either a slap or a hug…whichever you feel is appropriate!

Breakfast: Banana porridge (5 syns).Lunch: Curried rice and chicken salad.Dinner: Lamb and chicken kebabs (2 x HEB).Snacks: Nakd bar (7.5 syns) and two Babybels (HEA).A good food day. My usual banana porridge, which normally fuels my workouts but for some reason today left my tummy grumbling by midday! Lunch was curry flavoured rice with chopped veggies – red onion, red pepper, cherry tomatoes – with wilted spinach and chicken tikka. It was tasty, but I didn’t get it all eaten as I spent most of my lunch chatting to a lovely fellow student! My kebabs were lush…I had planned them and had a lamb and a chicken one. The local kebab house cook them without oil and give me a wholemeal pitta – which is a Slimming World ‘cheat’ I guess as it’s not a Weight Watchers pitta…so shoot me today – I don’t care!

As I managed to get my picture uploading sorter – the MacBook probably sensed my mood today and has decided that it’s safer to play ball – I thought I would stick up the promised pictures of yesterdays food…

On a health and fitness driven journey to lose over 32st / 448lbs / 203kgs – yes, it is a considerable amount – I am committed to losing my excess weight without the aid of weight loss surgery, diet pills, or quick fixes…as there aren’t any! Changing my eating habits and building up my fitness levels, along with addressing the ‘head issues’ will be crucial in order for me to achieve my goal.
Living in England as a 31 year old super morbidly obese woman can be challenging to say the least. I have been shouted at in the street and verbally abused far too many times to mention; hence the name ‘Weight Loss Bitch’…the day I am just called a ‘bitch’ instead of a ‘fat bitch’ will be the day that I know I have cracked my weight loss!
With many reasons to lose this weight I am documenting my journey for a number of reasons. Firstly, I would like to keep a record of the ups and downs, the highs and lows, and the challenges I face with such an enormous task to tackle. Secondly, I would also like to inspire and encourage other people who are in a similar situation and to show them that significant amounts of weight can be lost naturally…with a bit of motivation, hard work, dedication and will power. Thirdly, all of the blogging, Facebook-ing, Tweet-ing, Pinterest-ing and YouTube-ing keeps me occupied and keeps my fingers out of the fridge!