The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…

Dude Dating with J-Train

Q. J-Train, I’ve been on a date with a lady and things went well. I want to go out again but I’m not really sure of the direction I want to take it. I like her but I don’t want to move things too quickly. How do you handle this? You are the friggin’ man, J-Train. – Abe Frohman, Chicago, IL

A. Thanks, Abe, great question; this is one that true dudes have been wrestling with since Romeo dropped the L-Bomb on, like, the third date (Spoiler Alert: that did not end well). Luckily, like all great quandaries in a dude’s life, this can be easily solved with a simple sports analogy: Any new woman in your life should be treated like they are a prospect for a major league baseball team…And without further adieu, I now present to you my Farm League System of Dating (copyright, trademark, and patent pending):

Single A

Of course, any new prospect should start in Single-A; you need a breeding ground for talent but also feel comfortable to make a cut without too much investment. I’m talking here about a weekday get together for drinks. Something cheap and easy – whether it’s coffee or wine (something you can read about in my previous column) it doesn’t matter; you want to meet the person and see if the attraction, personality qualities, and swing mechanics are there for a push to Double A. Now remember, You can keep someone in Single A if you need to. Sometimes you just aren’t sure if the prospect is ready to move up or get cut; don’t make the mistake of moving a prospect up too soon because dancing them around your farm system could ruin a prospects confidence and mentality.

Double A

If you’re ready to move the prospect up to Double-A, take her on a weekday dinner date. Notice I said ‘weekday.’ This is for a couple of reasons. One: while it’s slightly more investment in your prospect (dinner), you have a built in reason to cut them at the end of the night if things don’t go well – After all, you “have to be up early for work tomorrow.” Two, there are only so many hours in a weekend and there are only so many spots available for the Blue Chip prospects. Don’t waste your weekends fooling around with Double-A ball; especially if you have multiple prospects in the system. Weekends are for one-night stands and holding hands (read: sexting). Not for gentle banter from across a dinner table.

Triple A

Now, in Triple-A. things get a little more serious. At this level, you’ve clearly invested time and money, and a key injury or an under-performing major-leaguer could automatically move this person to the Bigs. Triple-A means a weekend hangout with your friends. I know, a little intimidating, but you need to test the grit of this prospect…it has to happen. Now, this could be at your buddy’s Battlestar Galactica-themed pre-game (very suave); or maybe meet up with the group at a bar later in the night. Either way, the important thing here is that you’re introducing the person to your friends. There are a few reasons for this: the prospect likes that they are being brought into your fold; you’re showing that you trust her to meet the group. Meanwhile, any good Farm System manager knows that a second opinion is invaluable. You need your friends to be BRUTALLY honest, especially if sex has started to cloud your vision (God-willing). Your clear-eyed friends need to be able to stand her; after all, anyone your going to date seriously is someone you would want as a friend. If the person fits in with your crew, then it’s a good thing. Remember, genitals lie, friends don’t (copyright, trademark, and patent pending).

Major League

If your prospect gets through all this, then she’s ready for the Majors: This is a weekend daytime hangout (sports game, late brunch, park) leading into a dinner date leading into a night-time meet up (bar, night club, etc). This is a marathon, a measure of endurance, a 162-game season plus playoffs. Any true relationship means your going to have to spend A LOT of time together, so this day long adventure is meant to simulate what it’s like to be this person’s boyfriend or girlfriend. Give ‘em a shot at the bigs, they earned it.

One important thing to remember is that, at any level, cuts need to be made, regardless of investment. This system is meant to keep you honest with yourself. If the next level is something you aren’t ready for then the person isn’t right or you know you need to learn more. If you make a cut they either gain 30 pounds and start coaching little league in Scranton or do whatever girls do after a break-up. Sometimes, things just aren’t working…but if she can hang in the Bigs for a while, maybe you can elevate her to All-Star status. When this happens you’re on a train to relationship-ville with stops in Meet-my-parents-burgh and Cuddle-town, inside the borough of Buy-a-Dog-Together. And if that’s the case, God bless you. I either pity you on a Saturday night or I envy you on a Sunday morning. Whatever…more for me.