Weak and pathetic

I'm honestly starting to think that everyone around me would be better off if I were gone. They would probably throw a party. My husband hates me, and has hated me for approx. 12 years out of our 15 year relationship. I'm only 34 and I've wasted my life on a man who reminds me over and over that he hates me. That I'm nothing. You name it, he calls me it. I've made mistakes, big mistakes and he sure as hell likes to punish me for them. I had an affair with an ex for a few years. I came clean to my husband over 4 years ago. I sit here and tell myself I deserve the way he treats me, until I remember that it's because of the way he treats me that I turned to another man. The last 10 years has been periodic abuse. He has slammed me into walls, hit me, choked me, thrown plates at me, slammed my head into windows, etc. not to mention the verbal abuse during these fights (which I must say actually hurts more than the physical abuse). It doesn't happen often but it does happen. Anywhere from 3-6 times a year. I make excuses for him. I feel like I deserve it or that it will change. It never does. He blames me when it happens and I can see how I pushed his buttons. He tells me that it doesn't happen often enough to be abuse. I guess he's right. When he's not angry with me, being physical with me or cutting down my character, he's a pretty good guy. He helps me out with the cooking, cleaning and kids. He works hard to pay for all of us and everything we need. I just feel like i'm 34 now and I've wasted my best years with him. I have no education, no work experience. I know I won't find someone else. I'm over weight, I'm not that attractive. I don't have many good qualities at all actually. I'm very obviously weak and pathetic. I would rather stay in this than be alone. Honestly, I would rather be dead than be here or alone. I'm so weak I can't even bring myself to end it. I hate myself. I try my very best to be a good person. I do my best to take care of my family, my friends and I volunteer at a homeless shelter. Sometimes I think that the people at the homeless shelter would be more upset if I were gone. My husband says that everything I do is for selfish reasons. No one else thinks I'm selfish but he's beginning to make me wonder if I am. He allows anyone to say whatever they want about me. He doesn't stick up for me at all. He even allows our teenage daughter to call me whatever she wants yet the one time I said she was being a "b***h", he threw me into a wall and told me that I'm "f**ked up". They went on to watch movies and laugh together while I sat in my room crying and wishing I could die or just disappear. I worry my beautiful baby boy is going to turn out to hate me too. I just don't know what I did to deserve this. I know I made a big mistake with my ex but things at home were bad. My husband was addicted to porn. He paid no attention to me unless he wanted sex. He hit me, he called me names. My ex came and said all the right things, made me feel safe and wanted. I don't know why I'm even talking about any of this.

I guess I'm just ranting and I apologize. My point is, I wish I were dead. I wish I had the guts. I pray everyday that I will be put out of my misery. I'm too pathetic to leave and too weak to take a final exit. I wouldn't want to be with me either.

You absolutely are not to blame for your husbands abuse. Absolutely nothing you have done or do justifies physical abuse (or emotional abuse for that matter) EVER. It does not matter if it is once or if it is every day - it is domestic violence - it is bodily harm and it is illegal. You need to go to the police and report him. Call social services and ask them for help - they can direct you to relevant abuse shelters and can help you get out of this awful situation. This is NOT your fault in any way and you do not deserve it. Not for ANY reason, not even once, let alone repeatedly.

I understand that you have been beaten down (physically and emotionally) to the point that you feel you do not have the strength to leave - people can help you though. Call social services and reach out for help. You do not have to do this alone and you do not deserve to spend any more of your life feeling this way or being treated this way. Please please call the police and do not let ANYONE tell you that you are to blame because you had sex with someone else - that you are to blame for ANY REASON AT ALL. That is quite simply untrue.

I may not know everything but if you don't like your marriage you could get a divorce, or at least seprate. There's no reason to stay to take abuse. Its not good for you or the children. You must have family or friends who can help you out. Otherwise like the person above said call scoial services. It sounds like you've built up volunteer work which is great for getting a job. I know it's a very different lifestyle from what your used to and change can be scary but its a better one, for you and the children.