Gentlemen Please Start Your Pussies

"It has come to my attention that over the past several years some of you gentlemen out there are not happy. It seems there is a major lack of female companionship, which has led to a general decline in sex and a marked increase in masturbation. Some of you blame it on your lack of looks, your lack of money or your lack of penile size."

He paused. "The Spam in my e-mail box would have me believe the last one."

There was a quiet giggle from the curtain to Tex's right.

"Some of you fools even blame it on the increase in the lesbian population," Tex continued, shaking his head. "True, they do have a distinct advantage in several areas, but this particular problem can be overcome. In fact, once you start thinking with the big head instead of the little one you'll be able to learn their advantages."

"Basically, they have pussies and you don't. And I'm not just talking about their girlfriends playing between their beautiful thighs. No, I'm talking about the ones they were born with and that's the key to the whole thing. That's whole with a "W" for you slow boys there in the back.

And that's something else you'll have to change, by the way. The way you think about pussy."

"Pussy?" The softly muttered word came from behind the curtain.

The voice belonged to Kathryn, his next-door neighbor and one of his closest friends. When he'd told her about this talk on sex he was planning to give at his Brotherhood meeting she'd laughed.

"What in the hell do you know about sex, you old fart?" She'd teased him with a grin.

"Well, Kat, come along and listen if you want to find out," he'd told her. To his surprise, she agreed to tag along. Women were normally not allowed at these meetings but he had managed to sneak her in backstage.

She was currently hiding behind the curtain. And, to his amusement and mild annoyance and growing distraction, she was heckling him. Hoping no one else could hear, he went back to his lecture.

"You can say, what the fuck? Women own one hundred percent of the pussy and they're still not satisfied? Hell, you'd be happy with access to just one. Well, maybe two, for certain times of the month and during sickness and other times when the primary is out of commission."

"What?" Kathryn whispered with a touch of disbelief in her voice.

"Well forget that shit. If you're lucky and devote yourself to the cause, you might be able to keep just one pussy happy. I know, it's a full time job and takes loads of forethought and planning. That's merely to keep it at a friendly operating temperature and properly lubricated. And this is even before you have a snowball's chance in hell of using your squirt gun."

"You've got that right," she whispered.

"Women are soft and loving, warm and cuddly, emotional and sensitive. That's on the outside. Inside they are ferocious Dobermans with the memories of elephants. Fuck up just once and they'll cheerfully hand you your balls on a platter." Tex shook his head ruefully. "And they will never let you forget it. Not to mention you'll soon be back in a lasting friendship with Rosie Palm and her four step sisters."

He heard soft female singing, "Looks like it's just you and your hand tonight."

Tex continued. "I'll let you in on a little secret. Women are just like you and me in more ways than you realize. They get just as horny. They cuss and carry on like you wouldn't believe. They are raunchier than any three of us put together."

He saw grins from some of the men in the audience. "But there's a catch," he said. "They only act like this among themselves. They'll only admit things like being horny to other women. That sort of thing often happens when they all go to the bathroom together."

"Now who told you that shit?"

"So what does that all mean? Well, it means that women are herd animals and as such, you'll have to cut one out of the pack. This is very dangerous because the herd tries to protect their own and you may be trampled to death."

"And some say those are the lucky ones."

"Herd animals? Cut one out of the pack? When does the rodeo start?"

"Cutting one out is just the beginning. Once you have her alone, you must calm her fears and gain her trust. She'll be just as scared of you as you are of her. For instance, I know neither one of you would bite unless the other one wanted it, but that will probably be difficult for either of you to believe."

"Biting works for me," she murmured. "And a whole lot of nibbling too."

"If you scare her even a little she'll fly back to the herd and you'll never see her again. Slow, easy, and gentle. These are the watchwords. Flowers, dinner, a show, and above all, chocolate; these are the ways to her heart. Compliments and flattery may help but don't go overboard. They can sense a falsehood faster than a five-wire lie detector."

"No shit, Sherlock."

"Once they seem gentle enough to touch, don't. Light brushes of the hand and friendly hugs are much better than sudden grabs and unexpected kisses. You're working on the prize of a lifetime here, don't blow it by grabbing her head and stuffing it in your lap."

Kathryn laughed aloud but quickly covered her mouth with her hands.

"Little touches and soft kisses on the back of the neck or on her shoulder will get you further than a dozen roses and a ten inch dick. And for God's sake keep that thing holstered at all times until she reaches for it. She'll let you know when to draw and fire, believe me. Just don't go off half-cocked. That's an evening blower of the worse kind."

The laughing from the curtain was so loud now that even the men in the front row could hear it.

Ignoring the constant interruptions, Tex continued. "Now, for you eager beaver, wham bam, thank you ma'am, guys down here on the front row? Whoa, stop, cease and desist. The idea is to capture and fulfill her desires so you earn a return engagement. And then another one after that, and so on and so forth."

"If you leave her dissatisfied, your ass is history. And if that happens, you get to start all over from square one."

"Hey, Tex, you're smarter than you look."

"And that goes for the rest of you mugs, too. You must start slowly and at her lips."

At the general audience laughter he said, "I mean the ones on her face. Yeah, up here at the top, not down there in the middle. That is, unless she is pushing and pulling your head towards that location. Then I can only assume you can lick your eyebrows. For the rest of us, though, it's a multi-stage maneuver."

Kathryn giggled, "Oh yeah, war games."

"Let the hard dick throb but think with the big head," Tex continued. "Kiss her and pay attention to the way she kisses you back. Adapt to her style if necessary. Don't overpower her with tongue. Use your hands to caress her hair, neck, shoulders, and back. You should be relaxing her and preparing to move to the next Zone of attack."

Laughing, she said, "You've organized things into Zones?"

"I cannot stress this enough. Do not leave one field of combat until it is totally captured and she has surrendered. A moan is good. A groan is better, a sigh or soft whimper only means you are getting there. Do not be afraid to change tactics in the middle of hand-to-hand combat."

"Be soft and gentle one second and demanding the next. This works to keep them off balance and adds a sense of urgency. Only never, ever hurry. That is a fatal error. You'll risk getting ahead of her readiness."

"You've actually thought about this haven't you?"

"Back to the lips. Once they are conquered, move on to the neck, shoulders, and don't forget the ears. For many women, attention to their ears will carry you to the next level. Nibble, lick, and even suck on her earlobes. Just don't tear out her earrings. And don't give her a wet Willy."

"The last person to give me a wet Willy was Dave Edson in 2nd grade. I put playground sand down his pants."

Tex stifled a laugh and went on, "While your lips, tongue, teeth, and mouth are busy in Zone Two, your hands can be clearing the way to Zone Three. Her blouse has got to go or at least be partially unbuttoned. The bra must be out of the way. If she has been wearing that damned thing all night she'll probably moan when you loosen it. If that happens, don't jump too soon."

"But if you get a moan or a sigh when removing the bra, caress her breasts firmly, paying special attention to the under wire and strap marks. You'll be thanked for this later. Let those nipples rise naturally while working on the pressure marks and they will, believe me. Teasing them lightly with your palms can also help things along."

"Remember, boys, these are not radio knobs. Don't grab them and attempt to fine tune."

"When she shivers or whimpers and definitely when she presses her nipples harder against your hand you should take that as a very good indication to move on. Another good sign would be if she pulls your head towards her chest."

"But don't stick your face between her breasts and try to stick a nipple in each ear. That's childish and tacky. Not to mention, it usually breaks the mood."

"And motor boating between them is definitely out."

"Although it could be a good way to make her laugh," he added. "But don't try this the first time you're together."

"Generally, though, a happy woman is the best kind. If she ain't happy, no one else will be. And that means you, because you will not be in Zone Three if she isn't happy. Or extremely horny. Yes John, women get horny. And they don't need beer goggles when they get that way. They can have the pick of the litter with just a snap of their fingers."

"Pick of the litter???"

"Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the breasts. Do not and I repeat, do not, jump straight to the nipples. There is a whole lot of licking, kissing, sucking, and nibbling to do before you grab one of those beautiful nipples. Make her want you to suck on them. Tease her and please her before you latch onto that taste treat you crave."

"On a side note, do not ignore the underside of the breast. After years of selfless research I figured out there is one of those mysterious lost erogenous zones under there. Maybe it's pressure from that danged under wire, but women with larger breasts seem to go nuts when you lick and kiss in that spot."

"Oooh, yeah. Well, that's actually some good advice, Tex."

"Once you have reached the nipples and she is moaning, groaning, whimpering or any mixture of the above, it is now time to press the issue of clearing the field for Zone Five. Zone Four, the belly and lower ribs, should have been cleared with Zone three, by the way. Just be careful when multitasking cause some of you guys aren't all that good at it."

Kathryn laughed again.

"Now, back to those nipples. Make them babies stand up and shout. Make them tingle and feel good. Suck, lick, nibble and in some cases even bite. Every sensation you give her is another step towards heaven.

Don't forget to massage the breasts as you work on the nipples. I know, it's multi-tasking again but do the best ya can. Make those puppies appreciate everything you're doing. In a way, you are pre-lubing the primary objective as a lot of the sensations go straight south."

"Oh, that is so true."

"Now's the time you need several divergent plans on how to unwrap your prey, I mean, prize. If she's wearing loose skirts or shorts that's perfect. They are fun and intriguing. Longer or tighter skirts are workable but take more maneuvering. Tight shorts are a pain in the ass but the view makes up for the effort."

"Jeans, especially tight ones, can be a problem. They'll also demonstrate how well you have carried the war so far. Yeah, they allow for exterior rubbing but the thick material dulls it down somewhat. Once you get them unbuttoned or unzipped, however, it is time for the first true test of how well you are doing."

"It doesn't dull on the inside. Tight jeans touch in all the right places."

"You will need her help to get the damned things off. It probably took her thirty minutes lying on the bed with a pair of pliers to get them on, so how do you expect to get them off without her help? She may have to stand on her head while you yank. That does work if she is horny as hell but it's not recommended under normal circumstances."

Kathryn laughed hard enough to have to put her hand over her mouth again.

"If by now she's been working on getting your shirt and pants off, you're in pretty good shape. Otherwise, the time to leave the breasts and move south is kind of a judgment call. Some women love a lot of breast play and some don't. Try to take a cue from her if possible but don't wear the hide off her nipples in the process of waiting for one."

"Oh, now that's a good suggestion. I wish every guy would pay attention to this."

"The lower ribs and belly are a tricky subject. You don't want to rush things. Licking and kissing your way down keeps you in close contact and lets her know it's all about her. It would be helpful if you knew how ticklish she was beforehand. Some women are and some aren't, but from my experience most women are at least a little bit squirmy."

"Bellybuttons are touchy, too. Some are ticklish and fun and some seem to be connected directly to the woman's pussy. Ya never know until you stick your tongue in there. Of course, if hers is pierced with a little ring attached then you can bet she enjoys some extra play."

"Some women are even ticklish around the outer rim but then go wild as you plunge deeper. Some women just smack you in the head if you try. If that happens, just move on down."

"Smack you in the head?"

"So now you're at the promised land, nirvana, the Holy Grail, the essence of life. But whoa, already. Don't go trying to jam your face in there or even shinnying back up the tree to ram your dick home. Now is the time to learn what our friends the lesbians know that you don't."

"Is everybody listening? Seriously, some of you should be taking notes."

"Take things slow and build on what you have accomplished so far. You're there, you've got it nailed, now work for something lasting that will get your dumb ass invited back again and again. If you want yours more than once, make damned sure she gets hers a lot more than once."

"If at this point you don't know how to identify the stuff between her legs besides the actual pussy hole, I'm wasting my time talking to your stupid ass. You spend a couple of thousand dollars and months of your time to track down and kill a deer but you don't know the difference between the labia and the clit? You stupid dumb shits."

Again, the loud laughter came from the curtain.

Tex glanced to his right and frowned. Then he shook his head and continued. "Well, don't feel too bad boys, most men couldn't find a woman's G-spot even if they had any idea of what the hell it was. That's where these lesbian ladies have your asses whooped from the get go. They have a pussy, they know what's there and they know what feels good and what doesn't."

"They've read the instruction manual, gone over the care and feed instructions, and have practiced what they've learned on themselves. You, on the other hand, are like a lost bull in a china shop. You bumble and stumble around and cause more problems than anything. With only a little information, you jump right to it and then stupidly expect the fuck of a lifetime. Or you over-do things and then leave her dissatisfied."

"You don't expect to kill a deer by going into the woods and stumbling around. You might get lucky but it's not very likely. The same thing applies to stumbling around in her bush. She might get off but it's not very likely. Hence, you ain't going to be around long."

"You tell 'em, Tex."

"At this point, any sane person would throw up their hands and walk off. I've never been accused of being sane so - "

"Well now, that's certainly the truth."

Tex turned, patience finally exhausted from all of her interruptions.

"OK, that's enough, missy. Get your ass out here if you think you can do a better job. Gentlemen, let me introduce tonight's guest speaker, even if it wasn't originally planned that way. Everybody meet Kathryn."

Kathryn should not have been surprised at the turn of events but she was still a bit nervous as she stepped from behind the curtain and onto the dimly lit stage. Wearing jeans and a denim shirt, her long hair up in a ponytail, she smiled hello to the group of men, some leering, some blushing, some as confused as she with her sudden appearance.

She took a deep breath. It had been some time since speech class in high school, and this certainly wasn't the debate team in the audience.

"Gentlemen," she began. "Let me explain in further detail a few of the finer points of, um, pussy." The word "pussy" on her lips made her squirm when she spoke it aloud.

They cheered and applauded her statement, giving her the courage to continue.

"Tex has given you quite a bit of solid information. I hope you were paying attention, even taking notes in some spots. However, I would like to clarify some things. No, I'm not going to get into the meeting and greeting, the hunt and the chase and the capture. I think those secrets are best kept by us women."

She winked at the audience. "No, I just want to talk about sex." A thrill ran up her spine at that last sentence.

More cheers erupted from the group.

"Let's back up to the whole shirt and bra thing. I mean, yes, it's important to remove the shirt so you can get to the bra. But Tex failed to mention the wonderful time you can have unbuttoning her shirt."

As she spoke, Kathryn slowly unbuttoned her denim shirt, starting at the top. As the buttons opened and the shirt fell away, the room grew silent with a collective smile as her peach-colored lingerie was revealed. Never before realizing her exhibitionist tendencies, she opened the shirt wide before shrugging it off her shoulders to stand in just her jeans and bra. A bra was far more intimate than a bikini top, she realized with a grin. She couldn't believe she was half-naked in front of all these men.

"Now as I was saying," she began, cupping her fingers around her lace-covered breasts. "There is a great deal to be said for opening and enjoying the package before actually getting to the prize inside." She found herself enjoying this brazen display more than she ever thought she could.

Removing the ties and carelessly tossing back her hair, she let her fingers trail down her tanned tummy to the button fly of her Levis. "Additionally," she teased, knowing every eye in the room was watching, "sometimes the package is kind of nice, too."

Remembering what Tex had said about too-tight jeans she paused. "If her jeans are too snug, perhaps she'd rather do the honors herself, especially if she wore them just for you. Maybe she's a little shy about the way they're cutting into her waist."

She turned away slightly before slipping them open, then grinned at the crowd over her shoulder before easing them down to reveal panties that matched the bra. "Now at this point, gentlemen, you're stuck. Either you excuse yourself for going too far and withdraw, as a gentleman, or you're in it for the duration. Once you get her jeans off, consider yourself on active duty."

Kathryn wriggled and squirmed, moving the too tight jeans over her full curves. She stood to allow them to drop the rest of the way where she kicked them aside, along with both sandals. Now when she turned back to the audience she felt the nerves of standing nearly naked in front of a group of horny guys, their eyes trained on every single detail.