Thursday, April 05, 2007

aka the persecution and assassination of linguistic sensibilities as performed by the inmates of glamsham, indiaglitz and indiafm under the direction of the Cut-up Cuckoo[1]

The Capitulating Critic needn't worry about not finding another runner to take up the baton in his marathon of grammatical mayhem that passes of as a sorry exemplar of music journalism. Satyajit's take on the soundtrack of Ek Chalis Ki Last Localfor Glamsham.com (syndicated, unfortunately, in the Yahoo! India Movies portal) portends the birth of a new lack of talent. This reviewer, referred to herein as S for purposes of brevity and slander, throws not just grammar but correctness into the garbage disposal unit. It's too much to expect people to write monographs on the Polyphonic Motets of Lassus, but even basic grammar seems to be too much of a chore. The beginning is charmingly and suggestively vague:

Low budget entertainers have never been reliable and consistent in delivering potential musical contents in their albums but still there are few exceptions.

The aversion to indefinite articles reminds one of the practical brevity of telegrams. This can't be a trend, because it inundates the review like The Nose floods the airwaves. Call it a feature, if you will; perhaps even a trademark.

To illustrate another trademark, consider the following sample:

Vicissitudes of life takes big slice in chiseling out fortune and destiny and these nerve-racking emotions finds the sound and music of Pakistani rock band "Call - the band" in upbeat rock base track "Laare Choote".

The singular plurality of words (vicissitudes, unlike data hasn't devolved into abuse as a singular noun yet and doesn't plan to in the foreseeable future) presents an exhortation for unity and solidarity unlike anything that countless specious ad spots on cable television could manage. Subtle problems like the unification of items joined by the conjunction and using a singular conjugation of the verb to be do not merit encouragement, yet they overstay their welcome as your eyes move to the end of this travesty of language. It's bad enough that you're swallowing the indefinite articles, S, but do you really have to audition for a job as a scribe for fortune cookies? Those strips of paper bearing nuggets of faux wisdom are not the same as the pearls that oysters cough up. I also think it's time people who wrote about music learnt to spell bass correctly. "Soundtrack" (one word) refers to the collection as a whole; if you want to refer to individual songs, you would use "track" (correct and more common) or "sound track" (correct, but less common). Pointing out that you are writing your articles in Microsoft Word with the default language set to English (U.S.) is picking too fine a nit.

In addition to occurrences of the misplaced apostrophe, we are also treated to inexplicable chains of phrases that, in isolation, may have found a better home in a cheap anthology of amateur verse (titled, perhaps, LSD: Lucknow Se Delhi: A pabulum of verse from capital poetasters); the following block compiles some examples of this:

The soundtrack has flashy sounds of racing trains where the protagonist's voices their tales of fluctuating fortune in short span of time. Its indifferent rendition makes it a situational number where actor Abhay Deol vociferous one-liners emanate the theme. It should find its acceptance with listeners who have been entertained with Sufi rock base music in past otherwise it will relegates itself to cadre of impressive works by new talents. Hear it to feel it!

Alisha Chinai's excruciatingly sensuous vocals admonish the repercussions of the fluctuating fortune in a game of luck and fortune as shimmering jazz music sizzles out the emotions in "Ekka Chauka".

It has strong situational feel but ordinary lyrics and sluggishly paced fails to give it a sturdy gripping on ears.

It works like stuffing for item song where folksy lyrics are blended with sloppy paced music and sub-standard music.

It kicks starts off impressively with catchy beats but thereafter its musical pace slapdash completely.

Factual errors only make matters worse: According to the credits on the CD, Sandesh Shandilya had nothing to do with "Panga."