Inside The Divorced Man’s Mind

A recent blog post about life after divorce written by a random man went viral.

His opening remark – ‘I’m not a relationship expert’ – struck me as odd – why give ‘advice’ if you are not an expert?
It begs the question whether one man’s opinion on why his own marriage failed should garner such advice that the post went viral.

The article was based on a singular event – his failed marriage, and his hopes to do better next time around.

It sounded like he didn’t even want to get divorced, so what could he have done to save his marriage?

Was this is a case of hindsight, and here’s what I wish I had done to save my marriage?

Knowledge after the fact is still worth learning, still valuable, still worth taking note of.

Let’s try and define what ‘marriage’ is – we would fail from the moment we attempted to pin down the true definition of marriage.

For many, marriage means different things:

– time to ‘settle down’

– companionship through later years of old age

– children and family

– the end of loneliness

– just a piece of paper

Once you are married, how do you keep it thriving?

MAKE THE EFFORT

Text, call, Skype – do all the things you can to talk with each other at least once a day. The long silences are the ones that eat away at your intimacy quickly. Waiting until you are both home from work, exhausted and burned out will not enhance quality time with each other, if anything neither of you will want to talk because you’re worn out from work.

INFORM, ADVISE, APOLOGISE

If you have plans to meet up after work but your work gets in the way phone well in advance, don’t leave it until an hour before meeting. Always apologise for putting work demands before your relationship. If you take for granted work before your relationship is the norm you’ll find yourself single with only your work to keep you company over take out food.

BE OPEN HONEST AND AFFECTIONATE

We men are not all poets or letter writers, or vocal about our ‘feelings’ but if you’re sensitive enough you can share how you feel with your partner. Set aside some time to express how you are feeling, and what you want to approach differently in your relationship. If you remain silent on the matter, it will fester and become a source of resentment. By being open and honest you avoid the pain resentment can cause. After you’ve shared how you’re feeling, spend some time being affectionate to show your appreciation that she has heard you.

SUMMARY

No two days are the same in your relationship or marriage. Your circumstances change, your experiences and your environment change you.

The challenges are more intense once you’re married. Small discussions become big life-changing fights. Hurtful words are hurled at each other, which you wish you could take back. The emotions which run through you are magnified and unrelenting.

I was divorced when I met my new Wife. I was broken inside, and closed off to the idea of falling in love again, still reeling from the pain of past hurt and disappointment. I took things cautiously when we first met, and it was painful to want more, and yet to fear wanting more at the same time. The learning curve is very steep the second time around.

Then you are rewarded with the smile that makes you light up inside, and you remind yourself every single day how lucky you feel because she chose You.

About Robin Wright-Thurnley

Robin is an Associate Coach at Phoenix Relationship Coaching where he guides men towards achieving their dreams of lasting love.