Compromising is something we all have to do in many aspects of our lives. Compromises with life, career, family, goals, friends, relationships, life choices and countless number of other things are sometimes required in our daily lives. However often times we can get to the point of collapse where we loose ourselves and sometimes over compromise. This can be problematic when it comes to relationships. A few months ago I was invited to a panel discussion on today’s relationship climate and some of the challenges with dating. One of the topics that was touched on was compromising and how it can impact a relationship. This prompted me to ask the question when does compromise turn into collapse?

What is Compromise?

For many people in relationships compromise is an easy thing to do i.e.what restaurants you all like to attend, what movies to go see or maybe even to turn the TV down while the other person is on the phone. These compromises do not threaten our core requirements, wants, and deepest desires and the reasons why we got into a relationship in the beginning. In every relationship we all have differences but sometimes it can cause disagreements, arguments and sometimes causing the end of the relationship. Compromise is great in small doses, often necessary to smooth over a few rough edges of an otherwise smoothly functioning relationship. The problem occurs when we start compromising essential elements of who we are is when the cracks and leaks in the foundation of relationship start to expose itself.

What is Collapse?

Collapse only comes when we are in relationships that requires us to change who we are, what we do, the very thing that describes us as a person. This is when it can become tricky and many times can ruin a relationship. The goal for anyone looking for companionship is to find that “special someone” who makes them happy and are compatible with their personalities, character and morals. This is not to say that we will find some absolutely perfect, but we can have someone who is “right for us”.

Final Thoughts

In a healthy relationship we should sustain who each partner is and allow each person to grow and work together to meet his or her needs. This may seem obvious, but it is hard to keep this in mind while entranced by the unmatched bliss of a new love, when you’re willing to give up anything and everything to be with the other person and you don’t appreciate the costs of what you’re giving up. Have you every compromise before what were some of the things you compromised was it worth it? Comment below & if you liked this post please share!

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About Jay Colby

Some would categorize me as an entrepreneur, life coach, son, friend and all of the above. I’m just another person trying to find my way in this world. Until recently, I was unsure what my path in this life would consist of. Like many others I was between I know what I want to do but not sure if that’s what I’m supposed to do. I am currently finishing my degree in something that has nothing to do with becoming a writer or entrepreneur so automatically it qualifies me to become one right! Follow me as I go through this journey called life to impact and encourage one person at a time.

I love this post. I always give people advice on compromises in relationship. I spent most of my adult life thinking the “perfect man” was out there somewhere. Optimistic yes, realistic no. No one is perfect and sometimes you have to compromise. 🙂 great post I hope everyone can learn something from it

I’ve definitely compromised on some things for the best of the family. Thankfully they were things that I’m okay with “changing”. At other times, things that seem like compromises have turned out to be for the better and I’ve improved as a person.

In order to compromise it is essential that we can see clearly the effect that this action will have on the relationship. A compromise after all is a decision based on the best outcome for both sides when the suggestion of action by both parties is not agreed on.

To truely reach a successful compromise both parties must be prepared to give away part of their origional idea.
This is were the collapse occurs.When one perin thinks they are better at making the RIGHT decision.
The collapse is due more to a conflict of strength of character and percieved intellect.

We can go even deeper into this topic by looking within ourselves to reflect upon what our own morals, ethics, values, preferences… etc. are. When we know where we stand as an individual in this world perhaps that allow us to measure what things we are willing to compromise on or not in relationships (be it in our romantic relationships, work, neighbor etc.). One question I keep in mind is does my partner hinder or encourage and inspire my growth as an individual and us as a couple?

A past partner of mine said that he believed we hindered each other’s growth, which was true, and I realized I had been compromising TOO much and questioning myself in the process. My current relationship only pushes me to be my best, to always strive to grow, to learn and grow individually and together. There are always compromises, but perhaps we can look at them as opportunity when in a healthy relationship! 🙂

So, I definitely have experience with this in the past 3.5 years I’ve been married. At first I was selfish, and clinging to the idea that things would always go my way. As I started to compromise, I realized that I was giving up dreams and visions I had been molding my whole life. This caused some serious resentment to build, but as with everything, my wife and I communicated and worked through it. The more selfless you are, the more you receive from life. Let go of your expectations and allow life to present you south something even better! My wife and I are not alike in ANY WAY, but we make a perfect team.

“Finding that special someone, someone who’s right for us, compromising in favor of an unmatched bliss of a new love…” Just rephrasing… These make me think (again)…Thanks for writing and sharing. It creates new prompts for me. 🙂

Marriage/kids are a daily, on – going, never ending compromise. Despite being married, two people continue to develop and change along their own paths, sometimes converging, sometimes diverging. The trick is to highlight the convergence and see divergence as an opportunity, not a threat. When kids come along, your paths get barrel – bombed for a few years until they develop a sense of independence but then you are able to get back on your own tracks. Again, your paths may diverge, and the kids have their own, but it’s exciting o see that independent growth and to be and part of it. Compromise is balance and understanding.

Here’s a challenge for you. I recently had an encounter with a married woman who’s husband doesn’t care much how touches her in bed. hen gets ready he wants to go in even if she’s not. They are both of the Christian frat and you know how big we can get on the submission thing so she yields for him to do his business and when he’s done she turns to the wall and cries herself to sleep. It Kept on happening till it drove a rift between them that she stopped responding to any of his attempts at all, when he wanted to find out why she explained what the problem was. That he doesn’t quite care about her feelings or if she’s even benefiting anything from this. His response was ” This is who i am, I don’t know how to be anything else. You’ve known me for 9 years and I’ve never been anything else besides this”.
The question is the husband changing and growing to be what his wife needs as he should, is that compromise or growth? I guess my question is why is that we tend to label ourselves too early when we could possibly benefit from stretching a little further? Or is holding on to a concept of what we think we are worth losing a life partner?

Growth is necessary for us all. If don’t improve or grow in life we can become complacent. On the hand in this case marriage is about compromising and understanding what the other person wants and needs. In this particular situation if he was always the same and never changed. This person may have overlooked this because they were such in love. This is a common in many relationships we tend to look for the good in people and try disregard the flaws which in many cases can become a deal breaker. In the end commutation is the key and without it any relationship will fail. Thanks for stopping by & I hope this helps to answer your question!

Thought provoking article. Was fun to read and dwell on the concepts you went over. I think that awareness of these values can help a relationship a great deal. Each couple will think and behave differently, but there are some core values that are worth exploring in every relationship.

You’re absolutely right! Compromising too much can lead to resentment and a ‘lose/lose’ scenario where both parties feel they’ve had to give up something that was important to them. I remember a time early in my relationship with my husband where there were times I had to stand firm and say “Like it or lump it”.. Fortunately he decided to ‘accept it’ and we grew in our relationship as a result. Yep – there’s definitely a case for some things in standing your ground when it’s fundamental to your own well being.. Great post – thanks!

Jay, what a wonderful blog you have here! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and appreciate my first post on my own blog otherwise I may not have found yours when I did. I am humbled and honored. I look forward to reading more of your work!

This is a very important distinction to make in building a healthy relationship. There’s one thing I don’t quite agree with though: “Collapse only comes when we are in relationships that requires us to change who we are, what we do, the very thing that describes us as a person.”

I’ll start with there are times this is absolutely true and a requirement to change fundamentally can cause huge strife between people and within oneself. Yet, I would argue that some of the best relationships fundamentally change who a person is, change the course of what they’re doing with their life, etc. This is due to a (sometime radical) change in priorities. This isn’t necessarily the doom of a relationship. In fact, when it works I think it makes for the most rock solid.

The important factors here I think are an openness to change and growth, the support of a partner, and growing together with the understanding that there are many bumps along the way.

I view this similar to parenthood. Priorities can change pretty fast when kids enter the equation to a point where who you were fundamentally is not necessarily the same.

On the other hand, not everything is going to be compromisable to each individual no matter where their priorities shift. I can see collapse as a result. Though I still think relationships can change people enormously, more than they may have thought, and still be the best for their relationship and themselves.

I don’t think of my change after being my with my partner as losing myself, just changing to a much better version of me.

You made a great agreement change can be good for us all. On the hand I would add no one change us. They can only influence change we have want this “change” to happen for ourselves first. Great insight thanks for sharing!

Jay, I’ve recently (in the past three years) decided to stop compromising in all relationships, not just my marriage. People thought I was crazy, but the thing is, I’d been doing a lot of things that I didn’t want to, simply to fit in or make other people happy/feel comfortable. What I truly believe is that if you know yourself well enough, then you won’t have to compromise. You’ll probably attract people who are aligned with who you are and who you want to be. Thanks for a great read/thoughts.

Compromise is definitely an important part of any relationship. Instead of finding myself compromising and collapsing in the beginning I decided to find a partner who I could accept as is and vice versa,mother let the compromises come later, naturally. Not forcing either of us to change who we were, but compromising as the relationship strengthened so we could continue to grow together.

I think you can go about life comprising in many different situations and for different reasons, however I would never, ever compromise my integrity. I mean, what’s left after that? Great and thought provoking post! Thank you!

I think boundaries must be set up at the beginning of a relationship to ensure only compromises are made and that both are making them. I also believe it is easier to do so if both people have a clear idea of who they are and what they want.

I’ve definitely been there before. And I agree with everything you said. In that specific relationship I found myself compromising as a result of insecurity which I think is the case a lot of times. We feel like if we don’t do this or that he or she won’t like us enough to stick around. I think when you’re secure in yourself, the compromise never comes to that point because you know who you are and your partner knows who you are 100% and accepts all the good parts with the not so good parts.

Very true knowing who we are is the best way to prevent over compromising or collapse. This is a common problem in relationships when sometimes we rush into a relationship without full knowing ourselves.

Nice post! Equal match to an equal match. As stated in your post- never compromise the very foundations of who you are. Tolerance leads quickly to abandonment of self if not careful. Yes- been there a few times before.
Great post!

So true. I really don’t like that I can’t do what I want because my other half doesn’t want me too. In the end I still do those things because I’m my own person and I feel that every time I compromise to let some things that I really love go, it’s like I lose a part of who I am. I do understand however, that some things have to change once you are in a relationship but harmful things, that define me as a person, I really can’t let go.

I think that sone amount of compromise is essential in all relationships. Life is not a wish granting factory. The chance that there is a person out there who will love every habit, choice and mannerisms of yours is extremely less, if not negligible. The trick is to be able to know when compromise turns into collapse, as you have said, which, I think, can only be seen in hindsight.

I think it begins with self love & knowlege of self first. Having an honest look inside, & an awareness of the experiences & situations that positively effect you & that align with your personal codes of conduct. All to often negative compromise happens when we aren’t honest about such things. Lovely post!

Hmmm, well said. I have definitely compromised on so many levels to make people I love happy. It’s a part of life that can’t be tossed away if we do want a lasting relationship. Thanks for reading my post. Appreciate. Have a lovely week ahead.😀😀

This was a great post. It makes me think about my close family member and his girlfriend. I admit that he does have a lot to work on about himself (as do many of us) and his girlfriend is often upset about his “shortcomings.” Or what she perceives as his shortcomings. Anyways, he keeps making change after change to make her happy, but I’m not sure if she’ll ever be happy. Yet, they’re still together. I hope for the best though!