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Screw diamonds, the dildo hoverboard is a girl’s best friend

Don’t you just hate it when you need to give the ol’ honey pot a little self-loving but you’ve got an early morning meeting at work that you’re already late for? Me too. That’s why I’m totally psyched for the creator of the Dildo Drone, Michael Krivicka, and his newest invention: the Dildo Hoverboard.

Okay, so maybe it’s a faux invention, but think of the possibilities if it were real. The faux-prototype Dildo Hoverboard presents a speedy way to get to work, perfect for the busy millennial, while also giving its rider the option to multitask with a little, you know, somethin’-somethin’.

forces a taboo act into the public sphere for all to see

The device is, the product’s YouTube advertisement claims, “fully adjustable” with an “easy to use control panel” where you can pick your personal favorite thrusting speed and rhythmic vibration. Not stated in the ad is the potential for a pretty awesome ab workout. I mean, imagine the balance required to maintain the straight posture while also hitting all the right places.

But perhaps the best part of the Dildo Hoverboard is how it forces a taboo, secretive act into the public sphere for all to see and revel in. It could inspire a whole new era of openness and sex-positivity! And what better timing, for May was National Masturbation Month. What’s it hurt to extend it for one extra day? I’ll bring the maypoles.

But wait, you may say, this is actually really creepy and I don’t think I’d feel comfortable standing next to someone in line at the Starbucks enjoying their new Dildo Hoverboard. To that I say, is it really as creepy as the very not-faux lap pillow, though?

Hold on, you may say again, isn’t public masturbation illegal in most states? And to that I say, no comment.

Check out the Dildo Hoverboard and Krivicka’s other faux inventions here.