BLAH

Begin the beguine...or the review. I'm not picky. Actually, according to my trusty French- English dictionary, "beguin" is actually french for "to have a crush on." That's zany.

I'm going multi-national! For the first time, one of my reviews is being posted on a webpage other than www.saturday-night-live.com, Jordan's Message Board, or the old SNL InfoMedia page (where are you Joel?) Because of the wrestling-themed nature of the show tonight, this review is going out for the first time to www.crz.net/wrestling which is one of the premier wrestling pages on the Internet (yes, it pays to suck up). So, for all of you wrestling fans, I write these things sketch-by-sketch, with a lot of humourous commentary in-between. I rate each sketch, commercial and musical performance out of five stars, with ***** being the highest.

Despite the ever-increasing popularity of the WWF, there are probably a lot of you who don't know what the Rock is all about, or why he's hosting Saturday Night Live. Since I'm a big wrestling fan, I've decided to use my knowledge to educate and inform. So, without further adieu, is the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Rock.

PERSONAL STUFF/CAREER

Duane (The Rock) Johnson is probably the biggest star in wrestling today,
or as he calls it, "the most electrifying man in sports entertainment!" By the way, the WWF refers to their business as "sports entertainment," not wrestling. Sort of like the Harlem Globetrotters.

The Rock has an athletic background, as he was a starting defensive lineman for the Miami Hurricanes when they won the NCAA football championship in 1991.

The Rock's ghost-written autobiography hit #1 on the New York Times best-seller list.

The Rock made People Magazine's list of the 50 Sexiest People in the World. I'm a bit peeved about this, because I recently found out that I was number #51. Damn.

The Rock is married. Sorry ladies. Keep in mind that I am #51, so if you're hankering for some loving...wait, that got off track.

The Rock has appeared on such television shows as Star Trek Voyager and That 70's Show. He has also appeared on several talk shows, and, of course, the various WWF weekly shows.

HIS CHARACTER

The Rock begins most of his dialogues with "Finally...the Rock...has come back...to (whatever city he's in)!" For tonight, New York will be the city of choice.

The Rock is known as "The People's Champ" because of his immense popularity. Ergo, the Rock refers to all of his body parts with "The People's..." preface. When he raises his eyebrow, which he will do approximately 1057 times tonight, that is known as "The People's Eyebrow."

His finishing moves are The People's Elbow, a ridiculously overblown way of dropping an elbow on a prone opponent, and The Rock Bottom, which is a kind of slam that is impossible to do unless the other person jumps up in the air with you. But, since this is sports entertainment, the other person is always willing to do this. God bless wrestling!

A jabronie is another word for a loser, or a nobody.

When the Rock says that he is "going to lay the smackdown on your roody poo candy ass," that means that you're in for a beating.

When the Rock says that he is "going to check you into the Smackdown hotel, on the corner of Jabronie Drive and Knowyourrole Boulevard," that means that you're in for a beating, but a beating involving room service, apparently.

The Rock, when threatening someone, frequently says that he will take some object, "turn that sum-bitch sideways, and stick it straight up your candy ass!" Ouch.

The Rock has a bit of a temper. For example, he will frequently tell people to "Shut your mouth and know your role!" The Rock, when asking a question of someone, usually interrupts them in a manner that degrades the person. For example...
Rock: What is your name?
Tracy Morgan: Well, I'm...
Rock: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!
Tracy Morgan: That's what Lorne says too.

The Rock frequently refers to his $500 shirts that he wears. These shirts look, in the words of Ana Gasteyer as Joan Rivers, "like a clown raped Nelson Mandela and they had a child and it was a shirt."

The Rock's favourite kind of pie is poontang pie. If you don't know what poontang pie is...ask your parents. It'll be funny.

The Rock ends his dialogues with "...if you smell...what the Rock...is
cooking." Why, I don't know. It's cool, I suppose.

So that, in a nutshell, is the Rock. Of course, if he were really in a nutshell, the Rock would be saying "Help! I'm trapped inside his gigantic nutshell!" For those reading me for the first time, I don't usually rip off Mike Myers that much. This was an aberration.

OVERVIEW
Well, despite all that, the $64,000 question is if the Rock can translate his charisma over to a sketch comedy show. Will we see Mary Catherine Gallagher get slammed through a table? The musical guest (oh yeah, there's a musical guest) will be "legendary" rockers AC/DC. I use the quotation marks because I think the word should be used only when referring to truly unique and influential performers (the Beatles, U2, Weird Al, etc.). AC/DC are kind of just a band that's been around for a long time. Still, they are a pretty decent group, so the music should be okay. BTW, despite being around since the 70's, this is AC/DC's first appearance on SNL. Maybe booking long-time bands for their first SNL appearance will become a habit for Lorne Michaels and he'll finally book U2 on the show. I can dream, can't I?

Also, I will not be the only one reviewing this show. I am watching it with my best friends Eric, Trevor and Dave, as well as Dave's girlfriend Kate. Kate, by the way, is a distant relative of Frederick Banting, the discoverer of insulin. Uh, anyway, they will be chiming in their opinions throughout the show. Let's get kicking.

[COLD OPENING] Vince McMahon warns his wrestlers

For the uninitiated--- the head guy is Vince McMahon, the owner of the
WWF. The blonde guy with the belt is Triple H, the WWF champion. The
really big guy is Paul "The Big Show" Wight. The guy in the plaid shirt is
Mick "Cactus Jack/Mankind" Foley, who also recently wrote a New York Times
bestseller. I just read his book the other week and it's damn good.

This got old rather quickly. I did enjoy, however, the Big Show's efforts
to act like a big goof. He's quite good at it, and I got a good laugh out
of his hiding the chair behind his back.

Mango appears for the 505th time this season. Good for him!

I think it's funny that whenever we see Lorne backstage, he's always
having his nails done, or drinking champagne, or some silly thing.
RATING:***1/4

[MONOLOGUE] The Rock

That's funny. Tracy Morgan, despite his broken legs, was still in as many
sketches as he usually is. That's commitment, baby!

Rock's monologue was okay, if only for the part about him being a "sexy
Rob Schneider."

They're only two sketches in and I think they're already overusing the
other wrestlers.

Dave sez... the Rock looked kind of wooden up there. I say that he
looks made of stone; he is the Rock after all! HA HA HA HA...I kill me.

Geez, HHH is the world champion, and they made him sit on the steps?
That's low.

Kate sez... that guy (HHH) is huge! He is pretty big, but his size
is amplified by the fact that he wears shirts that about two sizes too
small. And the steroids.

GREAT LINE ALERT: "Ah, Triple H. I thought I smelled dandruff shampoo and
monkey turds."--- The Rock
RATING:***1/2

[COMMERCIAL] Uncle Jemima's Mash Liquor

This is a repeat from the Alan Cumming show. I originally gave it ***5/8.
RATING:NR (repeat)

[SKETCH] The Ladies Man

Did you ever notice that Tim Meadows' afro keeps growing with every one of
these sketches?

Dave sez... I bet the Rock is going to come out in a dress. Dave
is right!

This was an okay sketch, a bit more like the classic Ladies' Man that we
all know and love.

The Rock, perhaps a bit flustered, said that he was chasing drug queens.
Well, it might not have been a mistake. New York is rampant with
cross-dressers who smuggle cocaine in their fake breasts. It's a widespread
problem, and perhaps this was SNL's way of recognizing an issue of the day.
Or, maybe he just blew the line. Either way.

An Alabama Cragdangle?
RATING:***5/8

[SKETCH] Mr. Peepers Sr.

All I can say about this was that there were a lot of apple-spitting. It
was kind of short, and I'm still trying to find that punchline.

The Rock's fake ear (excuse me, The People's fake ear) began to fall off
during this sketch. I guess the Rock should have used more of The People's
adhesive.

It's funny to see how the Rock just dwarfs Parnell and Kattan.
RATING:***1/8

[SKETCH] Morning Latte

This was all right, if for no other reason than the fact that Cheri and
Will were both terrified of the Rock. I enjoyed Will's line about letting
the Rock win at board games "since I want to see my children live."

The Rock likes to grow vegetables, eh? Weed?

I thought the Rock was going to sing his version of "Heartbreak Hotel,"
(called Smackdown Hotel) but it was another Elvis tune. Kate
sez...the Rock can carry a tune!

Seeing the size difference between Cheri and the Big Show was pretty
funny. The Show's got a good two feet on her.

GREAT LINE ALERT: "You're a horse!"-- Cheri Oteri, to the Rock when he
first enters.
RATING:***3/4

[WEEKEND UPDATE] Colin Quinn w/Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon

Good bits about John Rocker, the Pope, and the murderous Kennedy. Lousy
Kennedys. What a waste of skin that whole family is.

Dave sez... is he supposed to be Super Mario? Uh, no Dave, that's
Jasper Hahn, a perverted cartoonist character. Although now that you
mention it, Horatio does look a bit like Mario. Wow, I loved those games.
I'll still take a good Mario game over most of these 64-bit super-systems
now.

Horatio got a big laugh from our group. As long as they confine this
character to Updates, it's funny. In a sketch, it might get old.

Fallon's bid to become Adam Sandler continues. I did, however, enjoy his
songs. He sounds remarkably like Dave Matthews. BTW, I might be going to
see Dave Matthews in either Buffalo or Detroit this summer, knock on wood.
RATING:***7/8

[MUSICAL GUEST] AC/DC "Stiff Upper Lip"

Wow. These guys are so old. It's like my dad is playing in a rock band.

I didn't realize that Joe Pesci sang for AC/DC. I also didn't know Tom
Petty played the drums for AC/DC. Don't tell the Heartbreakers; they'll be
pissed, and you don't want to see Benmont Tench when he's pissed. He'll
send you free-falling...off of a building, that is.

That being said, this wasn't really bad at all.
RATING:***5/8

[SKETCH] The Perils of Supe...uh, Clark Kent

The first really top-notch sketch of the night. Lots of quality laughs in
this one.

You know, it is true. Why couldn't these people, investigative reporters
and all, ever figure out that Clark Kent was Superman? I mean, it was a
freaking pair of glasses!

After Clark came in, I would have died if he'd said "Superman was
here...and I missed him again?" I mean, any time you have a chance to work
in a Polka Dot Door reference, YOU TAKE IT.

A good line about how when he first came to Metropolis, "he called himself
Supe R. Man." The newspaper headline at the end was also pretty funny, with
the Rock just shrugging.

Molly Shannon really has lost some weight since last year. I noticed this
from the way that she was blatantly showing off her legs. As Dizzy Dean
once said, however, it's not bragging if you can do it. Flaunt away, Molly!

GREAT LINE ALERT: "I guess fighting for truth, justice and the American
Way doesn't mean you flush when you're done in the can."-- Chris Parnell, as
Perry White
RATING:****1/4

[COMMERCIAL] The Goombahs

What the hell? I thought it was going to be a repeat of that Sopranos
commercial from the Freddie Prinze show, but I guess that one was, you know,
FUNNY or something.

This was kind of useless.
RATING:**1/2

[COMMERCIAL/SKETCH] Nicotrel

This was funny, if for no other reason than it's always funny to see
someone get a severe beating (or, in Rock parlance, get the smack laid
down).

The group got a good laugh at the Rock throwing the pack of cigarettes at
Parnell, and then accusing him of smoking.

Most of those punches were pretty weak, although I did admire Parnell's
dive through the window. It was also cool how he made his body go limp like
that, so the Rock was able to easily pick him up. Wait a minute...that's
not Chris Parnell...that's a dummy! The illusion has been shattered!

You know what, that title of mine brings to mind a funny idea. Why didn't
they do a sketch where some couple, say, Parnell and Ana, check into the
actual Smackdown hotel, and then just have Parnell get beaten on all the
time? The Big Show could have been a bellboy or something, and it could
have been a barrel of fun. Damn, I should write for this show.

Anyway, the bit at the end was notable only for Mick Foley doing the
People's Elbow. See why it's such a dumb move? The guy could just MOVE OUT
OF THE WAY.
RATING:***5/8

[SKETCH] Today's Lady

This was another strange one. "Rock, we're going to have this sketch
where women throw themselves at you." "Okay Lorne."

When Rachel introduced the Rock as Jerry Manfrensengen (or something) it
reminded me of a similar scene from the funniest movie ever, A Fish
Called Wanda. If you're going to rip off a bit, rip it off from the
best.

The crowd is still screaming for the Rock's every appearance on-stage.
Live crowd tonight.

I might have to steal that "meating" line for the future. When would I
use it, you ask? Uh.... you know that's a good question. The next time I'm
seducing a woman, I guess. I suppose there has to be a first time before
there's a next time, but be that as it may...
RATING:***1/2

[MUSICAL GUEST] AC/DC "You Shook Me All Night Long"

You could tell this one was coming, being their biggest hit and all. It's
a pretty good song, so I have no problems with it.

That old guitarist cracks me up. Here's a fifty-something year old man
still acting like a rebellious teenager. It's hilarious.

RATING:***3/4

[COMMERCIAL] Colonel Belmont's Old-Fashioned Horse Glue

Another repeat, from the Freddie Prinze show. I originally gave it ***

Two repeat commercials in one show? That's weak.
RATING:NR (repeat)

ACTOR OF THE NIGHT: Chris ParnellSKETCHES OF THE NIGHT: The Perils of Supe...uh, Clark KentWORST SKETCH OF THE NIGHT: The GoombahsLINE OF THE NIGHT: "They say if you get Superman in a truck stop men's room,
you won't need Kryptonite to bring him to his knees."-- Jimmy Fallon, as
Jimmy OlsenBUSIEST CAST MEMBER: Chris Parnell (3 sketches) The wrestlers were really
the stars tonight. Foley and Wight were in four skits each, and HHH was in
three.CAST MEMBERS WITH TIME TO WASH LORNE'S CAR: Darrell Hammond (0 sketches)NOTICEABLE MISTAKES: The few small breaks from the Rock, but nothing major.AVERAGE SKETCH RATING: A bit over ***1/2GUT FEELING OVERALL RATING:***1/2

AFTERSHUKS
An okay show, with the only real highlight being the Superman sketch and the
only real lowlight being the repeat commercials and the Goombahs commercial.
The Rock did an okay job as the host, although he never really strayed too
far from his character (except for Papa Peepers). See everybody? A
wrestling themed show wasn't too bad, now was it? AC/DC was okay.

The next new SNL is April 8th, hosted by Christopher Walken, who is always
funny when he hosts. The musical guest is Christina Aguilera, who is one of
the few teen singers that I actually like. Looks good on paper.

I hope that you all enjoyed the review, and I hope that maybe I can write
some more stuff for /wrestling in the future. If you didn't enjoy the
review, well, then you're like my friends. Eric?
Trevor? Do you guys want to make any comments at all?Trevor sez...I don't want to be associated with this crap.Eric sez....I'll second that.
Oh well. Some people just don't appreciate talent. Or, uh, maybe they were
talking about the show. Yeah, that's it. They just didn't like the show.
That might work.