Monday, March 28, 2011

So the past few weekends have been a little hectic. I haven't posted a video in a couple weeks on Saturday night. Last weekend I was traveling but the week before and this past weekend I have gone out without posting any video. I have found a close circle of friends and I am visiting with them often. On Saturday nights, I go to my friend's house in the early evening and we just hang out for a while. This week it was really great to just watch a movie and then our other friend came over at 10:30 to get ready to go out. It was really great to just be one of the girls getting ready. It was also really nice because the last 2 times out I have ended up staying the night at her house since I really should not have been driving after the club. She has people stay over all the time so it was really nice to be treated like a real person and friend.

I have also had a good couple of weeks in other social circumstances. My friends took me out for my birthday last Thursday night. We went to Outback for dinner and there were 8 of us there. My sister went and so did another friend from the club. 2 new people also came that I had never met before. 2 brothers, one just back from the military. They both accepted me just fine and we had a great night. I had to use the restroom so my friend Gaby said that she would go with me. As we got to the bathroom, a mother went in with her 2 young daughters and I stopped dead in my tracks. Gaby took my hand and said that I needed to conquer this fear and act just like any other girl using the bathroom. They were all in a stall already and did not really see me come in. I waited for them to leave before I came out of the stall but then another woman came in just as I walked up to the sink. She said hi to both of us and did not give me a second look. I got the greatest sense of satisfaction as Gaby and I stood in front of the mirror and we just continued on talking. I finally felt like I was in the right place. I really hate the men's room for some reason. I still don't do anything to change my voice so I just talk a little quieter and nobody seems to pay any extra attention to me. After that restaurant we went to the Cheesecake Factory for desert. The waitress came and said "hello ladies" and never gave me a second look. This was so different from the club since this is out in the open with "normal" people. Not a dark bar with a specific clientele. Just 2 normal restaurants with a bunch of people. Now I have been going to the family diner by myself for the past few weeks but this was different because I was with a group of people just like everybody else in the place. I was not the odd person sitting by herself. I am a real person with people who enjoy being with me and are not embarrassed by me.

We also ended up at the club around 11 that night and it was not very busy. I decided that I really did not need to use the private bathroom so I went to the regular one downstairs. I also did this on Saturday night when it was very busy and nobody cared. I went in there 3 different times and it was the greatest feeling to see myself in the mirror as I came out of the stall. Again I was finally in the right place.

This is the hardest feeling and experience to describe to my friends. I know that being a girl is a lot more than just looks but they have never questioned who they are. They are boy or girl and never give it a second thought. To me, the idea of boy/girl has been a question for my entire life. It is very difficult to just "be a girl" without giving it a second thought. My friend Gaby tells me that we need to keep going out so that Michelle becomes more and more of my main personality.

Somehow I need to convey the absolute conflict that this causes. My comfort as Michelle is overwhelming. All of my friends tell me that there is no way for me to survive as Bob. They all tell me how much better I am as Michelle. I know in my heart that Michelle is the right life for me but the more that Michelle takes over the farther and farther it pushes away my wife and kids. My heart is breaking from all the pain I am causing my wife and I feel like a lousy parent because I am so wrapped up in my issues that I am not really "there" for my girls.

Ok so now we are back to "poor me" and that is not what I want this post to be about. I really wanted to convey my happiness and my successes as Michelle. It is worth the hardship and all the suffering.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

So the last few weeks have been very difficult for me and my wife. We have managed to close off a little bit more of the emotional attachments but life is still no easier. We still see each other every day and it is difficult to maintain a strictly platonic relationship without any emotion. She says that she cannot continue on like this and needs to get on with her life. I continue to abandon her every Saturday night to go out and she feels completely overwhelmed with the responsibility of the kids. We are in the middle of another major crisis because I colored my hair again but this time I made it red like I have always wanted. She absolutely lost it saying that all the previous years I was just trying to mold her into what i wanted and never really loved her at all. (She used to have red hair because I really liked it) It was just another thing that Michelle just does without thinking about any other people. Now she is upset because we are planning a trip this weekend with her mother and she will ask all sorts of questions about my hair. (she knows nothing about Michelle) My wife is upset because I do not value her enough to inform her of all my choices. I really should have realized that she was going to be upset about it. She is really upset about me wanting my ears pierced too. I promised her that I would tell her before I do that even though it is killing me not being able to get it done. Work is also a reason for not doing it not just my wife.

I am so emotionally drained because of the constant highs and lows every day. Yesterday was my therapy day and I managed to get ready before my appointment. I was absolutely thrilled with the way I looked and I really felt great last night. My sister and I went out to dinner and I was feeling so comfortable and sure of myself. I did not want the night to end because I knew that this morning would be right back to the misery. Well it was. My wife is still very upset today and I started crying again this morning because she is so upset about our situation. It is very difficult since I know that I am the cause of all the problems.

Ok, time to switch gears. I am so tired of being negative all the time and I am sure that you are tired of reading about all my crap. I know that I am on the right path. Last night I really felt like the right version of me. I really love my hair and I really felt good about how I looked. I don't have that with Bob. Bob is blah. Michelle is alive. My friend angela still tells me that I am "on the fence" because I am having a hard time letting go of my old life. But I know in my heart that I will be full-time within this year. I will conquer work and I will get back to the very competent IT professional I was 5 years ago but it will be as Michelle.