Saturday, June 6, 2015

The Weekly Diary: 1st June - 5th June

Return of the Eddie

Monday 1st
June

Credit has rightly been given to Ed
Miliband, who has returned to the Commons, freshly tanned and raved out from a
holiday in Ibiza. In doing so, he is now a third of the way to equalling his
predecessor’s Commons attendance record.

Here he is, now on the Labour
backbenchers and back in action, with the look of a man who is saying “I look
weird, and I don’t care. I’m out, loud and proud. And weird! What do I want?
Equal electoral opportunities for people who look weird! When do I want it?
Four weeks ago!”

Meanwhile, Boris has spoken in
the Commons, and he is worried about relics from a bygone era being threatened
by ISIS in Syria. He asks not as the MP for Uxbridge, but as the Founder, Chair
and Exemplar of the Relics from A Bygone Era Society

Tuesday 2nd June

It is a sad day as news breaks of
the untimely death of former Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy. Kennedy
was hugely loved and admired across politics and the country.

He was a gifted, amiable and
principled leader, and carries a lot of affection for my generation,
particularly through his frequent appearances on shows such as Have I Got News For You. One favourite appearanceis linked here.

It was first broadcast on 3rd
November 2000, and covered some recent heavy flooding.

And with that, we thought Tuesday
was all over. It is now, as Sepp Blatter announces that he will be standing
down as President of FIFA. He says that he is doing this because he does not
have a mandate from all of football, and also because it has transpired that
the Pope is a Catholic.

The thing is that all of this was
true on Friday, so what’s changed? Difficult to say, but it does seem that Mr
Blatter is expecting a 5am alarm call any day now.

Wednesday 3rd June

The return of Prime Minister’s
Questions brings back the sort of searing scrutiny you’d expect.

First a Conservative MP stands up
with: “Would the Prime Minister agree that he’s marvellous and always right?”

To which the
Prime Minister responds with “Well, I agree with my honourable friend that I am
a rather flash
man.”

Then a Labour MP responds with:
“Actually, I have information that suggests the Prime Minister is dreadful and
always wrong.”

To which Mr
Cameron responds: “Well, I think the honourable member and the party opposite
have learned nothing from the election, namely that our long-term economic plan
is working in our northern powerhouse to prove that I am, in fact, rather flash,
man.”

And on it goes for five years.

Thursday 4th June

Today sees the ballot for Private
Members Bills – where individual backbenchers get to table their own bits of
legislation for consideration by the House of Commons. Examples of successful
PMBs from the last Parliament include The Control of Horses Act 2015, which is
“An Act to make provision for the taking of action in relation to horses which
are on land in England without lawful authority”. Yes, that’s right:
Conservative MP Julian Sturdy took action on equine illegal immigrants.

Okay, the legislation was dealing
with real issues. Niche issues, but real all the same. For instance, in the
same Parliament, Dan Jarvis was unsuccessful with a Private Member’s Bill which
tried to raise the minimum wage.

Still, not to worry: at least you
can now evict an unwanted horse.

Friday 5th June

Bad news for Labour leadership
hopeful Andy Burnham. Yesterday, more of Prince Charles’ Black-Spider memos
were released, including one response from Burnham which he signs off with “I
have the honour to remain, Sir, Your Royal Highness’s most humble and obedient
servant.” This is the conventional response according to Debrett’s guide to etiquette,
a tome well-respected by the Labour grassroots.

Some have suggested that this was
an attempt to secure an invitation to tea, but this is unfair. If he’d wanted a
tea invite, he would simply have written:

“Your Royal Highness, I am a humble man and yet I
really like your Duchy Originals biscuits. I – who is humbler than all others
and whose obedience knows no bounds – believe that I can only fully show you my
appreciation for them in person. Please, please, please could we have tea
together? I do not presume that you will permit it (look at me being humble),
and I will follow whatever your commands are (see me be obedient). Yours grovelingly,
YMHAOS.”Events depicted may differ from actual events. In fact, this is a work of fiction, with some facts. But mostly, it's nonsense.