Journalist, Blogger, Humorist

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Britney Spears recently revealed she’s going to be taking math classes so she can keep up when her older son learns pre-Algebra … and it’s not just celebs like Spears who need some extra help when it comes to understanding their kids’ school work. Of course, most of us non-famous folk don’t go so far as to return to school just for that reason. (Way to go the extra mile, Brit!) Instead, we turn to everyone’s favorite resource: Google.

I asked parents to tell me what strange, perplexing homework question or issue forced them to seek guidance on the Internet and here’s how they responded.

But when it comes to one particular, tech-driven trend, I’ve realized I’m a Luddite — and an unrepentant one at that. I, drumroll please, don’t speak emojii.

I’ve been known to sprinkle smiley or sad faces here and there, but I use them sparingly and in conjunction with the good ol’ English language, not in place of it. It’s true that a picture can say a thousand words, but a centimeter-tall icon? Not so much.

Which is why I find recent news from across the pond profoundly disturbing.

Are you looking for a way to distinguish your brand in an increasingly crowded media landscape? Hoping to go beyond traditional advertising to pursue something, or rather, someone, with true potential for growth?

Allow me to be of service. I’m thrilled to announce that I am staging an auction for the rights to rename my two adorable children after whichever corporate sponsors ultimately devote the most resources — cough, cold hard cash, cough — to emerge the winners of this exciting event.

Please excuse my terrible informality of not addressing you as duke and duchess, respectively, but I’d like to note that I am addressing you by your first names for a reason. I imagine that, at this point in your lives, you’re rather fond of your names. You’ve grown into them and like the sound of them for various reasons. Kate, maybe you like yours because your favorite thing to do could be curling up on a Kensington Palace couch on a rainy day and binge watching the classic American sitcom, Kate and Allie. Will, perhaps you’re a giant fan of will.i.am and sometimes do a spirited performance of “Boom Boom Pow” in the shower.

I’m pretty attached to my first name, too. It is Alice. Rumor has it that you might give this lovely five-letter moniker to your daughter. I’m asking you, your highnesses, to refrain.

Are you a mom who took maternity leave? It was the best vacation ever, right? Didn’t you just laze the days away on your unstained sofa, snuggled up with a good book and a glass of Cabernet while your precious one slept peacefully all night and day long? Didn’t you emerge from your two or six or 12 weeks — 12! You slacker! — feeling relaxed and refreshed, and not, say, like a leaky-boobed sleepless zombie prone to intermittent crying fits and painful flashbacks to the time someone sewed her genitals back together after they expelled an entire human being?

There’s no escaping it: If you’re indoors with your toddler for the day, often you’ll be stuck entertaining him or her for hours instead of attending to lofty goals like investigating cold fusion, drafting global peace treaties or, you know, cleaning out the kitchen junk drawer — all critical tasks that are rather difficult to accomplish with a chubby troublemaker underfoot.

That’s not to say that toddlers aren’t capable of entertaining themselves — it’s just how they choose to do it that can drive any mom or dad batty. Presenting nine games your toddlers would love to play, if only you’d let them:

Ring Around the Coffee Table

Run around the coffee table in circles. Whoever doesn’t pass out from exhaustion first wins.

Can you picture what the world would look like if men could lactate and women could not? A co-ed group of California high school students did and the results were amazing.

School boys would brag about how far they could “fire” their breast milk, lactation would be weaponized in video games, and “Brad Titt” would star in such films as “Money Boob.” On a more serious note, “breastfeeding in public would be encouraged” and men “would bring their babies to their workplace and it wouldn’t be a distraction,” according to an essay by Madison Holland, Peter King, Zack Matar, and Jacob Rivera, 11th graders at Pioneer High School in San Jose, Calif.

A physician fed up with constantly treating sports-related injuries in children recently relayed his frustration in an op-ed in The New York Times. Ron J. Turker, a pediatric orthopedic surgeon, decried the intensity of youth sports today.

“[O]ur very young kids play harder, and for more hours, than ever before,” Dr. Turker wrote. “… As parents, we want what’s best for our kids but we’ve abdicated our parental rights and duties to the new societal norm. Youth sports have become big business.”

We are thrilled that your young athletes are joining us here at Camp Run And Play this summer. Their one-week stay will be chock-full of every challenging and enriching activity a budding sports star could possibly imagine! Rest assured that although 98% of youngsters fail to secure college athletic scholarships, the thousands that you are paying in camp tuition for our professional training program will at least somewhat improve your son or daughter’s depressingly minuscule chances of being among the coveted two percent. Way to go, Mom and Dad!