Do You Ever Feel Like You’re Living a Double Life?

Do you ever feel like you’re living a double life? I don’t mean having one family here and another stashed away in some little dorp (city) halfway across the world. I mean the person you are right now…is that you person you want to be? Used to be? Strive to be?

Sometimes, I feel like there’s two of me. No, not in a schizophrenic kind of way (although with those mood swings at that time of month I can definitely border on that) but there’s the woman I am now, 38, mom, wife, responsible, stable (well, mostly) tired, boring, fearful, controlling, critical and then there’s the other woman. That other woman I was before I got married and had kids. The one who used to only go out at 11pm at night, who used to always be the last one standing, always ready to go out, have fun, dance, be a bit reckless, the one who went traveling on her own to Thailand for 6 weeks (yes, I did that!). And yes, I know it’s called growing up and truth be told, that stuff doesn’t really interest me anymore and I wouldn’t go back even if I could but it’s not that stuff that I yearn for. It’s that woman I yearn for. The fun one. The one with no responsibilities. The confident one. What happened to her? When did she become so lost to me? Because she’s still inside me and I know that in putting my responsible mom hat on, I’ve somehow forgotten about her and pushed her deep deep down.

But I can feel her now. I can feel her inside me screaming, shouting at me to set her free. She’s amazing! She’s fun, vibrant, cool, funny, creative, fearless, alive! It’s like she’s clawing at my skin, let me out, let me out! I know she’s there, I sense her, I feel her. Sometimes she manages to sneak out, wave her hello, stay for a bit even but then she retreats back or maybe gets shoved back, I’m not quite sure which one. She is desperately wanting to come out and emerge, stay for a lot longer but for some reason she doesn’t know how. Is she scared of being happy? Sounds absurd doesn’t it but it’s a real fear. Scared of succeeding? Of her power? What is she scared of? Why does she stay hidden? Why is it not easy for her to just come out? Maybe she’s built walls around her to protect herself from being hurt, failing, falling. Maybe it seems easier that way. I don’t know.

I know that in those moments of wanting to leave it all, wanting to walk out and say, ‘I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.’ It’s definitely not my family I’m wanting to leave. It’s actually this 38 year old serious, routine slave, responsible woman I’m wanting to leave and return to the other woman I used to be. But the thing is, I can do that without feeling like I need to walk away from her. I can be both. I can be the 38 year old, fun, creative, responsible, confident woman and embody both of them because they are both me.

Thank you for reading and I totally hear you. For me, this year has really been a lot about discovering who I am now. I remember at school reading the book, ‘The Little Prince’ and thinking, Oh, I won’t become one of those adults! But alas, I have 🙁 I don’t think we can ever be our ‘former’ selves anymore because life has changed us but at the same time our ‘former’ selves don’t really leave us. I think we just need to work harder and more consciously to bring them out. We need to remember that we are still them. They can still be a part of our lives now. Wishing that for you…and me too x

My dear friend, this was a great read. I feel like that every day. Scared to unleash the real me. I’m not scared of failing because I’ve done that many times before, but am more afraid of succeeding. The little things we do every day, the little successes are so normal to us that we don’t view them as an accomplishment anymore. But when we think of something big to do it somehow seems so far beyond our reach so we don’t dare light that spark. I think it’s a female thing. I think it is good that we strive for more and don’t just settle for the daily routine of life as a mother and wife. But there is a time for those things and I don’t think they can be rushed. Looking forward as always to more insightful work of yours.

Trace, I so hear you on the fear of succeeding and not recognising the daily accomplishments. And agreed there is a time for those things and they can’t be rushed. At the end of the day, you need to feel ready but then I think, well what does that mean to be ready? Are we ever ready? Sometimes, I think we also just need to start and then readiness follows on from that? My beautiful friend, your support on this blogging journey of mine is sooo appreciated! xxx