Twats worldwide have been Tweeting twattilly on Twitter about their new Apple watches.

“Look at me, I’ve got a black and gold one!”

Tweeted a twat in Australia, proudly showing of his twatty new wristwear to his twat friends.

Twats on twat-playground Instagram that pre-ordered the Apple watch have been taking twatty pictures of themselves unboxing the twatty new technology, designed especially for twats.

Twattily using loads of hashtags to alert as many Instagram users as possible that they’re a massive twat with the technology to prove it, many twats opted for the particularly twatty #nofilter hashtag to tag selfies of them wearing the watch. This is twat shorthand for ‘I like, don’t need a flattering filter to make me good looking’ thus proving that they are twats.

A twat in the UK posted a picture of his arm showing the watch, a ‘casually placed’ expensive laptop in the background and an Armani cufflink on his twatty purple shirt. Other users snapped their watch synching with their I-Phone, as if this would somehow compensate for them being a twat, and some twat of a footballer even got invited to the Apple store to be personally shown how to set up the twatty piece of arm equipment.

23 delusional twats in Sydney, Australia spent several hours of their twatty lives that they’re never going to get back, fruitlessly queuing outside the Apple store to buy one. Unfortunately for these wannabe twats, the true twats tweeting twattily about their pre-ordered Twat-watches are going to have the last laugh. Twattily, probably.

We didn’t even know that we needed a remote-controlled glass wasp that could fly about and sting people, as well as store your contacts and download books from Kindle. But we sure do now.

Computer brand Apple has announced plans to launch their new bionic insect iWasp in time for this year’s festivals and barbeques.

With all the intuitive functionality you’d expect from an Apple product, the iWasp is a ‘stingable computing’ smartwasp type device that flies about inflicting painful stings on other users, and licks their lollies at the park or in the garden.

Features include voice activation, a choice of buzzing sounds, a retractable stinger, refillable venom sac and a moveable head. The iWasp can eat a variety of sugary substances, but prefers melted ice creams and fruit juice stains.

This year’s festivals are certainly going to be buzzing, as thousands of pre-orders have already been placed.

An excited Apple fan from Coventry said:

“I can’t wait the get the iWasp for the Download festival. Instead of spending the whole time looking at my ‘phone and taking pictures of things and putting them on Facebook, I’m going to be ordering my iWasp to sting people in the neck, and then filming their reaction and putting it on Twitter,”

We’ve all witnessed somebody eating with their mouth open, and probably felt like punching them in the face because it’s disgusting. But what if this made you feel almost uncontrollable rage?

A new study into a condition called Misophonia, that causes sufferers to become extremely stabby when they hear people chewing, claims to have pinpointed the exact cause of the problem.

The disorder, that makes sufferers want to kick the sandwich out of the noisy eater’s hand and poke them in the eye with a cocktail stick, is described as a selective sound sensitivity disorder.

The scientist that carried out the new study, herself a sufferer of mild Misophonia said:

“We’ve been looking at this all wrong and treating it as if it something weird and strange, instead of a perfectly sane reaction to a grown-assed adult chomping crisps on the Tube like the back end of a bin lorry. For heaven’s sake, were you raised by wolves or something? Can’t you bloody well hear yourself? Nobody wants to see food going around in your mouth like cement in a mixer. If you put a microphone up to your grandmother’s vagina while she was doing star jumps, that’s exactly how you sound. Grown-assed human beings that eat with their mouths open should be executed by firing squad, or at the very least locked away from civilised society. We shouldn’t be inventing diseases to excuse them,”

Common trigger noises for a fit of Misophonic rage, during which the sufferer is torn between setting fire to the maker of the slurpy noise, and running away with their hands over their ears, can include slurping, licking and gargling. The scientist claims that the problem lies with the maker of the noise, not the Misophonia sufferer.

“It’s just disgusting. You wouldn’t just drop your trousers and take a dump on the table in a café, so why do we need to see your sandwich waving goodbye?”

The scientist has called for Misophonia research funding to be cancelled, and all grants to be directed towards the anti-social mouth-breathers that have failed to master the art of closing their kissers in public when they eat.

“I really feel that some kind of aversion therapy would be effective. Such as if it was legal to punch people in the face if they don’t remember to shut their cakehole when it’s full of fries, the dirty beggers,”

Plans to re-plant areas of London previously cleared of trees, so that twats can sit in the sunshine listing to their I-Pods are already going ahead, after a new invention that allows trees to boost Wifi and mobile telephone signal was tested in the UK.

“Do twats give off a WiFi signal? No they don’t. You don’t get seven or eight tourists crowding around a twat, waving their Samsung Apple Thingymajig about and looking distraught. They’re a complete waste of space and a drain on the environment,”

Said an environmental technology expert.

The technology to enable trees to boost WiFi signals, which will be implanted into all UK tree seeds from 2018, will turn each tree into a sort of aerial for mobile technology. The company that developed the technology said:

“Trees are really the lungs of the planet, as well as being a vital part of the ecosystem of well, everywhere, from a back garden to a vast rainforest. But people keep cutting them down and setting fire to them. Or worse, turning them into those horrible, basic LACK tables from IKEA that cost seven quid. Nobody treats trees with any respect. But they totally would if they gave off WiFi.

Computer company Microsoft has announced that it plans to ‘humanely cull’ Internet Explorer, rather than send it to a home for dated, knackered old browsers that don’t work properly.

Protesters claim that the dated, buggy browser could live out the rest of its days peacefully on an old server, away from the computers of people that just want to use the Internet without their browser crashing, running slowly or freezing up every ten minutes.

“Nah,”

Said a spokesperson for Microsoft.

“It really does need taking outside and shooting. We’ll have to taze it first of course, but it won’t feel a thing,”

Security and compatibility issues have dogged Internet Explorer for years, leading many Internet users to abandon it for Chrome and Safari.

“It takes a lot for people to try a new browser, when they’re so used to the one they’re using. But to be honest, it was such an enormous Franken-fuckup of bugs, patches and security issues, it really does need a bolt putting through its head. It’s cruel to keep it alive, like Jeff Goldblum in ‘The Fly’.

After a 12 year study concluded that Jellyfish are just horrible, pointless bastards, insect anthropologists have been quick to point out that wasps are much bigger pricks than jellyfish.

All biologists agreed that there is no point to jellyfish at all, but wasps are a necessary part of the ecosystem, even though they are gigantic pricks.

“Any creature that would viciously sting some poor sod innocently building a sandcastle on the beach is clearly a complete and total bastard, and both wasps and jellyfish would not hesitate to sting you in the face or on the end of your knob for absolutely no reason.”

Said a statement from the Institute of Stingy Insects.

“The difference is though, that jellyfish don’t really know they’re stinging you. They’re probably just swimming up to sniff your leg or something. Or getting stranded on the beach, because they’re not very bright.”

The scientists studying the jellyfish agreed with the insect anthropologists that wasps were both bastards and pricks, while jellyfish were just bastards. They did however point out that jellyfish are extremely stupid, while wasps at least have rudimentary intelligence. This would make them stupid bastards, rather than just bastards.

Dr. Gordon Bennett, a wasp expert from the Institute of Stingy Insects said:

“Being a jellyfish doesn’t involve much, and there’s really only one rule, which is to stay in the fucking water. It’s not like there isn’t enough water in the entire sea to swim about in. But they can’t even manage to do that half the time. A creature with the brain of a lard sandwich can’t sting you on purpose.

Wasps are just gits though. They’ll sting you on the arse for fun and then get all their mates involved. That makes them much bigger pricks than jellyfish. They’re like the football hooligans of the insect world. Just massive dickheads that nobody wants to share a pub garden with,”

The oldest cheese in the world has been discovered in a tomb in China, and the History channel are keen to make a documentary about how it was put there by ancient aliens.

The cheese was found on the necks and chests of bronze aged mummies, having been preserved for 4000 years, along with the mummies and their outer casings by the dry desert air and salty soil.

History channel expert Giorgio A. Tsoukalos said:

“Ancient, ethnic peoples were not capable of complex tasks such as cheese-making, until the aliens showed them how to do it. Even then, they probably tried to make it by banging rocks together and shouting ‘Ugg!’

“Therefore we must open our minds to the possibility that these cheese crumbs were placed upon the mummies by aliens, or that aliens showed them how to make cheese from the milk of animals that the aliens showed them how to farm, when they became agricultural people instead of nomadic, which the aliens also showed them how to do,”

History expert Erich von Däniken is writing a book on the discovery, tentatively titled ‘Cheeses Of The Gods?’

“Obviously cheese making was invented by Europeans, and the ancient aliens kindly took the knowledge to ethnic groups around the world, as the primitive savages would never have had the sense to take the next logical step from farming to invent it themselves,”

Said Von Däniken in an interview with ‘Coast to Coast’.

‘Alien Nazi Cheeses Of The Gods’ premiers on the History Channel in September, and Von Däniken’s book “Cheeses of the Gods?” that explores how cheese making was brought to primitive, none-European cultures by alien overlords is scheduled for release in early spring.

Scientists have measured 15000 male appendages from all over the world to determine the average size. But almost every man in the study is complaining that they weren’t measured accurately enough.

“By my measurements, it’s actually 4.8.3 inches, or exactly mid way between the 6 button and the 9 button on the TV remote control. And to be fair, it was quite nippy in that room,”

Said a man from Manchester that took part in the study.

The BJU International journal of urology insists that all measurements were accurately taken and double-checked by scientists.

“Nah,” said a man from Dublin. “It was having an off day. I must have been dehydrated or something. And it was snowing outside, and I was wearing unusually thin trousers that day. I want to go back and get it measured again,”

“Male appendages are very much much of a muchness,” said a doctor in the study. “It’s unusual to get an especially large or small one, but men can worry about the size a great deal. We created a graph to show actual sizes of real, ordinary men, to reassure anyone that’s worried about the size,”

“Well I’m not worried about the size,” said a man from South America. “Why would I worry? I’ve never had any complaints. The scientist was probably freaked out by the size of it, and that’s why the measurement was off. It’s at least three quarters of a centimetre bigger than that. It’s winter too, and the tape measure was cold,”

Pomeranian Bollock Wasps have responded to the childish taunts issued by North Korean Lobster Wasps, by building a torture chamber housed in a tiny TV studio.

The film appeared on Youtube, with actor hornets wearing comedy plastic claws playing the roles of the captured Pomeranian wasps.

The torture chamber is contained within a glass outer casing. There are several themed torture chambers that the captured hornets must pass through, after they have investigated the half-eaten Mr. Whippy cone that lies just inside the cunningly disguised entrance.

The entrance is hung with tiny velvet curtains, and a couple of sexy wasps with harem trousers and veils dance outside of it. And a neon sign in the shape of a melted Rowntrees fruit lolly.

The captured wasp was is first strapped to a tiny bed, and subjected to degrading mechanical experiments of a sexual nature.

While this is going on, a tiny window appears with blue clouds and happy wasps flying about and stinging people. The wasp (degraded and broken by now) suddenly regains its hope for the future and struggles to break free.

The cruel straps break, and the wasp flies towards the window – only to bash into it and fall into a massive silver sink, which is uncovered via a trapdoor in the floor.

If it survives flailing about a bit in the water, perhaps climbing onto a bit of potato peeling for safety, it will fly into the next room, which is even more deadly and degrading. This is left to the imagination of the viewer, but a dentist type drill can be heard in the background.

The final room is the execution room. Guard Hornets grab the wasp again and force it into a chair that is splattered with that stuff that comes out of wasps, you know, wasp juice. A tiny colander thing comes down upon its head. It looks up to see a large hornet in a black hood with its leg on a switch. The lights flicker and the film ends.

Pomeranian Bollock Wasps issued a statement within 5 minutes of the film being uploaded to Youtube. It simply said:

A new invention that punches people in the face on your behalf could hit the shelves as early as November.

Designed to be used on exes, traffic wardens, people whose dogs poo on your driveway every day and celebrities like James Blunt, the device uses facial & voice recognition technology, GPS and a boxing glove on a spring to administer a satisfying smack in the gob to the idiot of your choosing.

Designed to be activated by Smartphone, the device sits harmlessly in the garage next to the broken Hoover, until it receives a punch in the face order from its owner.

Once activated, it trundles clumsily out onto the street & makes it’s way to the address of the target.

With a top speed of 4 miles an hour, it can latch onto busses and other large vehicles for a speedier journey.

Upon arrival at the target’s home, it trundles up the path, whereupon a small stick emerges from the front of the device and raps smartly upon the door.

If the door is opened by the target, the boxing glove is activated and twats them in the gob. This is relayed back to the owner by a small camera mounted inside the glove.

If opened by another member of the public, the device will conceal itself in the bushes and wait for them to leave or enter the property.

When the mission is complete, the device will trundle grumpily home mumbling “Two thousand dollars worth of futuristic technology, and I all I ever do is punch people in the face,” and park itself in the garage.