Dean Atta

Because

after Patricia Smith

Because every restaurant, coffee shop and bar stool seems to become a therapist’s coachBecause I ask too many of the right questions and don’t make enough small talk on a first or second dateBecause I am not his therapist and refuse to be-because I have enough problems of my ownBecause I prefer my own companyBecause we would be better off as friendsBecause if we were not dating we would not be friendsBecause I have enough friendsBecause I would rather sit comfortably on a sofa with a friend who has no desire for me sexuallyBecause he’s straightBecause I think in binariesBecause I understand so very little, barely my own needs and desiresBecause I’m not as honest with myself as I need to be to relate to others authenticallyBecause I have only glimpsed my true self in mediation or caught in a united vibration on a dance floorBecause I am on a journey but cannot carry passengersBecause I am not a vehicle for another’s self-discoveryBecause he’s in the closestBecause he’s incommunicadoBecause he finally tells me I deserve better and he’s right but not for the reasons he thinksBecause he didn’t try to be betterBecause he abandoned our storyBecause my break up poems are better than my love stories anywayBecause I have only loved a woman in the way I hope to one day love a manBecause I put her on a pedestal that grows taller like some enchanted towerBecause my fairytale has two princesBecause I picture a husband, a house and two kidsBecause maybe I don’t want any of these thingsBecause maybe I came out too soonBecause I have only had sex with menBecause my therapist said sex wasn’t the problem, my attitude towards it wasBecause I stopped seeing my therapistBecause every time I had sex I would leave feeling like an empty broken biroBecause I’m not prepared to be a blank page for them or an open bookBecause he says he doesn’t have a good relationship with readingBecause I have a dyslexic heart that triesBecause you can’t redraft a first date, first kiss or first fuckBecause it didn’t feel rightBecause I wouldn’t introduce him to my motherBecause he’s an angry atheistBecause he loves a God that hates himBecause he worships his reflectionBecause “mirror, mirror on the wall”Because he didn’t look the same as his pictureBecause he didn’t look the same in the daylightBecause Grindr, because TinderBecause he Google searched me and apparently that made me intimidatingBecause he doesn’t want to be the subject of one of my poemsBecause he demands I write him a poemBecause I won’t write him a poem until we break upBecause the only fairytale I can write is the one where I save myself.

Dean Atta was shortlisted for the Polari First Book Prize for his debut poetry collection, I Am Nobody’s Nigger. His poems deal with themes of race, gender, identity and growing up, and have appeared on BBC One, BBC Radio 4, BBC World Service and Channel 4. Dean was named as one of the most influential LGBT people in the UK by the Independent on Sunday. He regularly performs across the UK and internationally. Dean is a member of Keats House Poets Forum and Malika’s Poetry Kitchen. He has a Philosophy and English BA from the University of Sussex and a Writer/Teacher MA from Goldsmiths, University of London. Dean is a Tutor for Poetry School and a Writer in Residence for First Story. His debut novel, The Black Flamingo, will be published in August 2019 by Hodder Children’s Books.