Fear and Infidelity

When we think of infidelity as "mere cheating" we are often overlooking the many fears that go along with this. Infidelity may be due to fears and fears themselves may lead to infidelity. Why is this, and what can you do about this?

1. Fear of being trapped: One of the greatest fears of commitment is the fear of being trapped. When people feel trapped, their primitive brains start to rebel. As a result, their primitive urges may overpower their "thinking" brains and as a result, they may be unable to control their sexual impulses.

To Do: Talk about feelings of being trapped early on. Also, create a context for enough freedom for both partners in the relationship. See nights out with friends as protective to the relationship rather than obstructive. If uncomfortable about the latter, talk about this.

2. Fear of losing a partner: The uncertainty of relationships often makes people do they very thing they dread: which is to end it. In my book "Life Unlocked: 7 Revolutionary Lessons To Overcome Fear" I explain how dread often leads to the opposite of what we want to happen and what we can do about this. When people have affairs because they can't stand the tension of when the dreaded end will happen, this is very preventable.

To Do: Being able to air your insecurities is important early on in a relationship. Also, being able to recognize that you can focus on the positive rather than your dread is important.

3. Fear that pushes the other partner away: Your own fear of infidelity can push away your partner because your fear will reflect automatically in their brains due to their mirror neurons. They may not identify this as "your fear" but instead as "their" fear, and they may bolt as a result of this.

To Do: Talk about how fear can spread. Recognize that if one of you is fearful that this can impact the other. Teach each other counter-mirroring described in Life Unlocked and learn to distance yourself when necessary in order to protect the relationship.

4. Fear of losing power and identity: When people get close, they often lose part of what they were. This leads to the person feeling as though he or she is not able to be what he or she used to be. As a result, that partner may seek another context in which to recover this fear.

To Do: Expect yourself and your partner to change. Talk about the sense of loss of your old self and how you can recover that if you truly want it. If you used to be motivated and outgoing but now are a couch potato with your spouse, ask them to help you recover this way of being that you used to enjoy.

5. Fear of losing potency: The benefits of long-term relationships relate to comfort and paradoxically, trust. This, however, can be very boring as well. It is normal to be less excited than you were, and often, there is not enough energy in a day to be creative about sex. This says more about your comfort and tiredness than it does about your potency.

To Do: Make experimentation part of your sex life. While nobody wants to be forced into creative explorations at the end of a long day, know that you can have benefits of long-term relationships than short-term relationships seldom have. You can experience the pleasure of touch without expecting a full performance. You can be more tolerant of shorter love-making times from time to time. You can also strive to keep healthy together, thereby improving your potency.

Thus, these five fears can lead to infidelity but they are all addressable. Do not give up a meaningful relationship over these fears. Address them instead.

I'll do my best to counter this line of traditional thinking or what I consider excuse making ,for advanced Depressive states of mind.

Your description of ''fear'' is truly a description of ''Paranoia'' which is the late stages of Depression/Bipolar Disease.These stages will not be experienced by people without Depression

I do wonder why our so called ''Primitive brain'' is always blamed for retrogressive behavior. Maybe, early humans were relatively caring for each other and cooperative. We just don't know. I think It's unfair to say, when Depression/Bipolar disease morphs emotions into dysfunctional delusions, then another part of the(primitive) brain is taking command. Why can't a part of the brain go wrong and other parts suffer the consequence. It seems to me, emotions make up a high percentage of what we consider human or a healthy conscious reality.

Why can't we just admit that we can't relate or see meaning in advanced stages of Depression -or if we can relate, we have some form of it ourselves.

When people feel trapped or fear losing people-It's my wish that these dysfunctional emotional manifestations will be labeled episodic/psychotic.Everyone feels a level of discomfort to some of these things but when it exists at such a high level, and the unreal becomes real,hence is no longer in the normal emotional range.

Cheating is about hurting someone in a way in which the cheater feels superior. When Depressives/Bipolar's feel : self-hatred, jealousy,hatred of others,low self -esteem,sadism,selfishness,paranoia -these are advanced Depressive psychological delusions.

Normalcy should stand outside of dysfunction and not invite it into reality.

Concerning the primitive brain-I agree it is included but what's left, once consciousness grabs ahold, seems to be an issue. Higher functioning seems to change the recipe. How does an omelette resemble an egg? The egg being the primitive part.

Feeling stuck and being stuck is what Depression is. This goes also for Bipolar's who get stuck on religion;bizarre and sentimental devotion- often to save the world.

Depressive emotions are not relevant they are dysfunction. The Depressive in an episodic/psychotic state resembles the schizophrenic. If we are going to justify the Depressives emotions then we must accommodate the schizophrenics delusions. Hopefully that instills discomfort.

The intensity of your ''fear'' definition seems to at least dance on the precipice of paranoia.

Depressives/Bipolar's do desperate things(some ethical, some unethical) in altered states, to jolt the brain and feel alive in their haze and numbness. Is this not what Bipolar ''cutters'' do?

Feeling stuck and being stuck is what Depression is. This goes also for Bipolar's who get stuck on religion;bizarre and sentimental devotion- often to save the world
Can you explain this more? My brother in law is bipolar and has now gone deep into alternative religion. Now my wife in the last two years also has done almost the same thing. Is there tests that I can ask a doctor to screen for if it is a chemical imbalance?