Incorporating THE ODD EXCEPTION. For an alphabetical index, please scroll to the bottom of the page.

Wednesday, 12 April 2017

THE LANDLORD TURNED INTO A DOG

A completely true story, let me assure you. Well, sort of. It didn't happen in the Earl of Crewe, but in the Earl of Chester, a much smaller, cosier, pub on Wistaston Road.

The facts in the case are simple: My mate Morgan and I were drinking in the Earl of Chester and, when he went to the bar to buy another round, the landlord of the pub, without a by-your-leave, had been transformed into an alsation dog (or German Shepherd dog, to be a little more up-to-date) and this alarming incident led to the writing of the poem in 1991.

The original title was Unbelievable Happening at The 'Earl of Crewe' Public House, 1991 but, when it came to publishing a new poetry booklet that year, I was stuck for a title and used the line 'The Landlord Turned Into A Dog', which makes a better and less unwieldy title anyway.

Over the years people have put forward various explanations for this astonishing experience; many have suggested that what really happened was that the landlord, for some reason, stepped out of the room and the dog wandered in to take his place. This simplistic explanation is, of course, laughable. It's far more likely that a hole opened up in the space/time continuum and that the dog and landlord slipped through worm-holes in time and space, suddenly finding that they had changed places. Thus the dog found itself behind a pub bar and the landlord, in all likelihood, ended up in a kennel somewhere with a bowl of Pedigree Chum in front of him.

Everyone knows these things happen.

The photograph used to illustrate this poem is interesting. It was not arranged or staged in any way, but it just so happened that Morgan and I were in a pub, somewhere in Derbyshire. just after the poem had been written. I went up to the bar and was presented with the scene you see above, which I recorded for posterity with my camera. It was a sure and certain sign that the Dog/Landlord poem was just Meant To Be.

The photo was used on the cover of the aforementioned Landlord Turned Into A Dog bookletand the wonders of the internet mean that it can now be seen, for the first time, in full colour. You might like to note that, at the time, there was no enormous black and white hand pointing to the dog's head. That's just fiendishly clever PhotoShopping.

The reference to the late Jeremy Beadle in verse twelve firmly dates this poem. It could easily be updated with the name of some modern-day celebrity, but I've decided to leave it just as it is for now.

Those who have dabbled in the writing of verse will appreciate the feeling of satisfaction I got from rhyming 'trickable' with 'inexplicable'. It's perfect (though, for some reason, when I perform this piece, the line always elicits a groan from the audience).