Could it be, dear Fergie, that the problem lies in the team?

Oh no, Fergie's upset again! Weirdly, this time it is not the fault of the referee or the Football Association or an Arsenal player throwing a cheese and tomato pizza at him. The culprit appears to be those terrible people, the Manchester United supporters - not the good citizens of Kuala Lumpur but the very ones who go to Old Trafford.

It cannot be much fun being a United supporter. The poor dears are heartily despised by the rest of the football world, commercially exploited by the most rapacious of all clubs, famously abused by their former captain and now roundly condemned by the manager.

I would be tempted to dismiss Sir Alex Ferguson's description of the Old Trafford atmosphere as "like a funeral" by easy reference to the majority of the crowd being tired, having travelled for 24 hours from their homes to get to Manchester, were it not that other grounds are experiencing this phenomenon with increasing frequency.

It is in the interest of the media to tell us that we are watching football in the best stadiums in the world, that the Premier League has the best players and that we should regard it as a privilege to fork out up to £50 to watch. It is not difficult to "enhance" the crowd effect on the soundtrack or to cut a highlights package that emphasises the end-to-end excitement of the football so beloved of marketing men. Mix that with the hysteria of the commentators and it is hard to escape the conclusion we live in the best of all possible football worlds.

In the days when the only football on television was to be seen on Match of the Day or The Big Match we watched our teams in rotting steel hulks but we packed together in cosy familiarity and relative discomfort. We did not yearn for more boxes or better toilet facilities. We just wanted to beat United.

Besides, who needed toilets when at the back of the Kippax Stand at Maine Road there was a large brick wall on which was painted in large white letters the warning "COMMIT NO NUISANCE". What better exhortation could there be to men and boys who had been trapped on the terraces with full bladders and no sense of public shame? "You wouldn't do that at home would you, son?" inquired the policeman foolishly. "Course not," came the scornful reply of the urinating child. "What d'you think the grid outside our 'ouse is for?"

And that is the point really. Maine Road was like "our 'ouse" to all us City fans. As was Burnden Park and the Baseball Ground and Highbury and The Dell to others less fortunate who had not witnessed Bert Trautmann in his pomp. We had been going there all our lives and its history was our history. "Can I mind yer car, mister?" was a familiar extortion racket perpetrated by tiny mafiosi - a tradition as comforting as meatless steak-and-kidney pies and "Sack the Board" demonstrations.

Eastlands is a beautifully designed stadium but you cannot design a soul. Maine Road had few toilets but a wonderful soul. On big nights as you hurried along the streets of Moss Side the noise would suck you into its embrace and surrendering to it was like wrapping yourself up in an enormous aural duvet. The Emirates and the Reebok and the rest are all so beautifully designed but it will be decades before they are "home".

It is not impossible to fill Eastlands with noise. United have lost there three times in the five matches they have played and each time the City of Manchester Stadium has rocked with the pleasure. However, on a regular basis, whatever the size of the crowds, the new stadiums seem incapable of sustaining that desirable wall of noise. They prize health and safety above all else and, after Hillsborough and Valley Parade and Heisel, who could argue?

But Old Trafford is not a new stadium. It has been greatly remodelled but it still stands a hundred yards from Lou Macari's Fish & Chip Shop. The supporters fill the ground for every match, the team is consistently successful and yet the atmosphere is more akin to a library.

So does Manchester United's OAP manager need a hearing aid to go with his pacemaker? Are the crowd anxiously scanning departure times for Kuala Lumpur? Or could it be that the fault, dear Fergie, lies not in the crowd but in the team? Mancunians have always paid their money and said: "Right, entertain me then."

So I applaud all you Reds. You have paid your money and have a perfect right to sit on your hands. Next time you go to Old Trafford, lads, keep your traps shut. There is a funeral going on there.