Dan Marshall's knowledge of football is apparently broadly comparable to my own. There are some men, there is a ball, there is a goal. The aim of the game is to get the ball in the goal more times than the enemy team do. The keeper is the only one who's allowed to use his hands. Out of these rules - I am assured - unfolds a game of breathtaking beauty and complexity.

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The trick to doing a goal successfully is in making sure you do a kick on the ball in the right direction and hard enough that it goes past the other kickmen, past the goldkeeper and into the goalzone.

FIFA is probably the best-selling video game series in the United Kingdom, but I've never been a fan. It's nice to see a game that finally reflects the truth and the poetry of this beautiful sport. Well done, Dan Marshall - or, as the shouty men say inside the Football Arenas, "goowon moi san".

It's out! Behold The Kickmen is an accurate footballing simulation which produces excitement and drama: not through the football, which is as boring as usual, but through lots of flashing lights and exciting music.

Earlier, my team (ZeldaPower United) was playing against Bugnor Rugis United. We played good football and did lots of goals, but the enemy did more goals than us, which meant that we were probably going to lose, because those are the rules. But the thing about football, as everybody knows, is that the further back you score from, the more goals you do. Consequently, the enemy team (trying to do lots of flashy passes to get their fans worked up to make them spend more money) attempted to kick the ball back to their goldkeeper, but they did too big of a kick and did an own two goals. We won.

I give this game 7/10, which is quite good for a football game. It's also very cheap, so probably worth your time as long as you have a controller to play it with.

This game looks pretty entertaining! It has a nice usage of camera shake to make everything feel a bit over the top.

I played soccer as a kid, and I do enjoy the sport. I just wish the professional leagues had a bit less of grown men falling over each other and sobbing while they meekly nurse imaginary injuries to their shins.