In a clear attempt to unsettle the English players, Ponting has cunningly departed from the traditional claims that Australia will win the series 5-0, and is instead predicting a thrashing for the home team.

As Anglo-Australian conflict over the rightful homeland of the Ashes continues to escalate, the government has been forced to deny claims that it is allowing the Barmy Army to go into the hostilities without the crucial equipment needed to secure an English victory. ‘The Aussies are armed with the very latest trumpets and cutting-edge wigs,’ lamented a sporting warrior known to his comrades as ‘Hughsie’. ‘If we’re to stand any chance against them, the MoD has to address the fancy dress shortages. We’re asking these lads to spend five days at the front line. The least they can do is give our boys the best fighting chants.’