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Animal Awards: Worms

Facts
about worms: 1. Worms have two hearts; yet they refuse to experience
love. 2. Worms do not have eyes; their lives are filled with unseen
terrors. 3. Worms have teeth; if provoked, it is possible for a worm to
bite a human. 4. Worms begin to drown in soil when it rains; they
squirm their way to the surface and lie there writing in agony until
they expire.

Yes, the life of a worm is a hard one indeed. But this
does little to excuse their behavior. Do you worms think you can just
go about your loveless, sightless lives being pulled from a bait bucket and sprawling in rain-soaked streets
after a storm? Not on my watch. And don't get me started on
nightcrawlers. Those worms are asses.

Bookworms

It's
hard to think of a worse worm than bookworms. They're insufferable.
What, you think you're better than other worms just because you know
how to read? Don't make me laugh! Frankly I'm not even sure you CAN
read. The only thing I've ever seen you guys doing is shilling on
library posters, which doesn't prove a thing. “Reading is fun!” Yeah, I
bet it is. I see you've chewed
a hole through the book there; well done! I'm sure nobody else wanted
to check it out anyway, just go right ahead and chew it up. Jesus.

Oh,
and I like your little graduation cap too. I had no idea that the
library handed out degrees for writhing around worthlessly inside a
paperback copy of Hatchet. I'm sure your parents are so very proud of
you. And just to be clear, I was being sarcastic there.

US Acres Worms

Apparently there's a family of worms in the Jim "Yuk Yuk" Davis's comic strip US Acres.

I'm just including this information here as a sort of public service to
everyone, because I assume you've all been too busy not giving a shit about US Acres to notice this.

Worms on Film!

This
is sort of a catch-all category for all the weird mutant worms which
exist in films. Just a warning though: While the worms featured here
might seem appear to be more glamorous than ordinary worms, this is
mostly because of the makeup and lighting. Film worms are still stupid
and boring, just like regular worms. So don't expect too much
excitement from them.

Grabloids (Tremors)

OK: Tremors
is a movie featuring a bunch of sweaty white trash dudes (one of whom
is Kevin Bacon) who get attacked by giant sandworms in the desert. I
saw this movie about ten years ago and I don't really remember much
about it, so here's the best I can do for a synopsis:

Kevin
Bacon plays a white trash cowboy/trucker/paleontologist/scientist who
travels to the desert in order that he might drink alcohol in a trailer
while wearing a yellowing A-Shirt. He does this for a time. Eventually
the worms attack. The worms come up from under the sand, so as long as
Kevin Bacon stays on a rock they can't get him. So pretty much what
you've got here is a film version of the playground game “Hot Lava
Monster” (and if you don't know what that is, I suggest you look it
up). Eventually Kevin Bacon kills all the worms with a gun and the
movie ends. Either that, or he gets eaten. I can't remember.

Sandworms (Beetlejuice)

I never saw this movie. The only thing I know is that it starred Micheal Keaton. Since I've seen him in Batman, I think I'll just talk about that movie instead. I didn't care for Batman.
First of all, I was watching it in the middle of the day in a hotel
room which didn't have blinds on the window, so I couldn't really tell
what was going on half the time. This movie is too dark.

Secondly, I
only really saw the last 10 minutes of it, but I think I got the idea.
In the climactic final scene, I get the feeling that Batman was
probably fighting the joker in a belltower or something. I heard some
punching, grunting, and a bunch of whooshing sounds. That was probably
the sound of the batarang (or else a grappling hook). I think it's safe
to say that Batman won the fight though, because he's the last one I
heard talking.

Overall, I would say this movie was pretty good.

Mutant Earthworms (Squirm!)

This movie is off the wall! Here's a play-by-play:

A power line falls into a swamp and creates a race of electric superworms.

The
superworms gain two new abilities: The ability to climb up into things
(like cupboards and tractor-trailers), to consume human flesh, and to
scream.

The worms rage out, eating a bunch of hicks without permision and chewing up their farm equipment

In a shocking twist, the worms begin to use their newfound powers to perform good deeds for the townsfolk!

The worms stop an attempted rape by biting a man's hand as he goes in for a grope on a woman.

Actually that's pretty much the only good deed the worms do.

The worms eat everyone in the town (except the main characters because one hid in a boot box, and the other climbed a tree)