Sorry, but…I Hate Weddings

Am I a lonely singleton sick of sitting at the kids’ table? Nope. Am I jealous cos I’m still waiting for my long-term boyfriend to *grits teeth* put a ring on it? Honestly, really, definitely — no. Am I a boring bastard who hates socialising? Well, sort of. But that’s not why either. This is:

They go on FOR FUCKING EVER. Especially if you’re unlucky enough to be invited all day. I was recently congratulating myself for getting to 11pm at a wedding in Ireland. Only an hour left, I thought. I can do this. Then someone told me that they go on till 5.30AM there. I managed to escape at 1.45AM, a shell of my former self.

The cost of attending is usually equal to AT LEAST a minibreak in a nice cabin somewhere with no people. At most, you could be on a quite-good package holiday in Spain instead of forking out on an outfit, a gift, transport, a shit hotel 15 miles from the wedding because you’re not allowed to stay at the actual fucking venue, and 19 warm pinot grigios that cost £7.85 each.

The music’s almost-always shit. Even mates you thought were cool end up with a band that manages to do the impossible and make songs by The Script sound even worse.

Every time you bump into anyone from the wedding party throughout the 16-hour event, you have to insist you’re having The Best Time Ever and that the meal was Absolutely Lovely Wasn’t It and Time Is Going So Quickly I Can’t Believe It’s 8PM Already!

The speeches. They’re either done by an over-confident, unfunny, drunk prick or a poor, shaking father-of-the-bride who has to keep starting again. Either way, excruciating.

Probably the only wedding I’ve enjoyed throughout was that of one of my best friends. It was held in the city we live in, had a brilliant relaxed vibe, short meaningful speeches and (hallelujah!) a cracking playlist that everyone loved. So I’m not totally dead inside. Just a bit fed up of weddings becoming less and less about the important stuff.