Signs You’re Vacationing in Majorca With a Manic-Pixie-Dream Boyfriend

The Manic-Pixie-Dream Boyfriend — “the self-mythologizing ‘free-spirited’ dude who’s determined to make your life magical, whether you want it or not” — is hiding everywhere, strumming his acoustic guitar and opining about the universe and “energy,” when all you want to do is go the fuck to sleep. If you’re not careful, you might end up dating him for a few messy months. Maybe you’re even in Majorca with him right now!

There’s only one way to find out — read through these signs, see what applies to you, and try not to panic:

• He is 40, and you are 27.• He says he’s getting sunstroke after you argue with him about a hummingbird. • He can’t stop talking about parallel worlds and alternate realities, and firmly believes that he also exists in another universe. • He asks you to marry him at the same time a bunch of dust blows into your eyes, so you pretend not to hear him.• The only time you actually get along is while you’re playing table tennis.• You walk to the beach through lemon and olive groves, but only go swimming together.•He can’t stop talking about his ex-girlfriend who he road-tripped with across America 20 years earlier.• He really wants to be Jack Kerouac.• He can’t stop talking about his ex-girlfriend who designed a log cabin in a pine forest and was also a model. • He doesn’t help a poodle who’s almost getting pricked by a fish hook because he’s too busy brushing his hair and insisting that the poodle-fish-hook incident happened in another universe.•You realize you actually hate him.