Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Video Breakdown presents the Nissan Rogue

If there's one thing that annoys me to no end- it's car commercials. About a small fraction of them get it right. The other 99% try to seem incredibly intelligent (and fail) or they have the car perform wildly unrealistic maneuvers. The Nissan Rogue falls into the latter category:

:02- This car comes rolling up in San Francisco with NO regard for human life. Trolleys? F*ck it- pedal to the mettle.May it also be said here that the song they use to open up this commercial initially sounds like Lady Gaga's "Applause":

Each time I hear the opening of this commercial, I either immediately mute the TV or change channels.Whatever the opposite of applause is, that's what this commercial gets. :05- "We're going to be late," says the gentleman with the nice wristwatch in the tan windbreaker, orange shirt and orange tie. Points for orange- but please, you guys should have probably GOTTEN UP AND LEFT ON TIME. The woman doesn't even respond with words. She gives the open road "the eyes". Yeah, road- you're about to get....you know...driven on...aggressively. If you know what I mean. :09- After beginning to excessively speed, the car veers from right to left towards a very conveniently-placed cement rampway. At the bottom of the screen it reads, "Fantasy, do not attempt." No sh*t, Sherlock. I hope the coffee has a lid on it and is secured. If not, someone's about to be in a world of pain AND have to change their clothes. It is also revealed this female with no regard for human life is wearing heels. Yep, couldn't possibly see anything going wrong here. :10- The speedometer reads 30 miles per hour. BULLSH*T. So after going "30 miles per hour", the Rogue magically flies through the air some 60-100 feet, managing to align itself right above a moving subway train. This subway train is likely going at least 60 miles per hour. I did the math- and that doesn't seem to add up. :15- The car lands without a hitch, as the biggest inconvenience is the strand of hair she flicks out of her way, as a smug smile permeates her face.

:17- A message is at the bottom again: "Fantasy, do not attempt. CARS CAN'T JUMP ON TRAINS." Well- then why would I buy this car if it can't do what is being shown in an advertisement? At this point, they should probably put Spiderman on this subway and have her run him over. It would tie-in with the fantasy theme.

:20- Somehow she has paced her turn correctly and knows EXACTLY when to bail, and the car manages to land once again without a hitch on the street, by a park bench. A second later, the car angles into a parking spot...and there is no park bench in sight.

:24- "Oh, are we early?" inquires this maverick of a female driver. The person who wrote the dialogue for this commercial has it made. Also noted is a third person in the back of the car, who has no lines but smirks because almost dying due to incredibly impulsive and illegal driving is always funny/cute. The wristwatch-wearing, lateness foretelling male in the orange can only reply with a disdainful chuckle. The commercial ends with "Innovation that excites." I'm not sure who this car appeals to, but if you have no regard for laws, life or your co-workers' coffee, then the Nissan Rogue is the car for you. Like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know on Twitter @SeanNeutron