I need to talk. But I can't talk to you. You haven't been there in the times that I've needed you most, in these latest years, when I'm trying to make sense of myself and of my life. I've got people that I can talk to, sure. Talking you your mom though, that's something that's special. Yet you've distanced yourself so much from me because of your choices. I've forgiven you, and will continue to forgive you, but last year destroyed my hope. I'll try to find it again, but it's not easy.

It hurts to admit that. More than anything else than I can think of. But I've put nothing but faith in you. Every time you've messed up after doing so well, for so long, it breaks my heart. It leads me to think, "I'll have my mom back. Someone I can talk to about girls, or these screwed up emotions I'm having, what I want to do in college, the kind of person I want to marry." But then you decide to mess yourself up. I can't imagine what the addiction is like, and I'm not calling you weak. I know you've fought so hard your entire life. You're exhausted.

But so am I. Hope is a hard thing to hold on to. It's so fragile. Barely tangible. Faith comes from the hope. Faith is convincing. I had no doubt in my mind, last time. That night when we were driving that long road, and I told you I'd forgiven you, and always would. You cried. I almost did. I wanted to look strong for you. You told me you loved me and were proud of me. I told you that every time that you messed up, forgive yourself, because I'd always forgive you. Time starts now, and those past mistakes aren't anything important. That night, I was so sure you were going to make it. Things were going to be good again.

That night hurt the most. I've never felt so broken. You've hurt me a lot, but never so badly. I've carried you home from church drunk, because you couldn't walk in heels. You've locked yourself from the world, and made me pray that you hadn't done something horrible. But that night, when I was so sure, and felt that you were sure, that everything was going to be right, and I'd have my mom back eventually, you broke me.

I'll keep trying, as long as you do. Forever. Hope will always come back when you don't give up. That's the most beautiful thing about this, and the most destroying. It all depends on choices. The ones you make. My hope will bring me faith again. Your actions will have to prove my faith, and then all will be well. I miss watching Recess with you after school. I miss asking you every day when you get home from work if you got some Yu-Gi-Oh cards for me. I miss the caramel apples, the pictures on the first day of school, you telling me you were proud of me, not looking up at me, but looking down at me as a mother.

I think, that after a certain point, you just have to let go. She'll never be that person you loved. That person is gone. You'd like to think deep down inside she's still in there, fighting to break free. That your mommy is still your mommy, and not this person, this stranger, that has goes around in her skin doing the dumbest shit imaginable. But there it is man, she's all fucked up and even if she turns it all around tomorrow, the curtain is open, and you've seen Oz operating the wizard's floating head. She'll never be the same, you'll never see her the same. Can you just keep building up trust and tearing it down again? Foundations crumble. Addiction warps the mind and sunders the soul.

I really hope that she does get it all back together dude, I sincerely do.You talked of hope and faith, and always trying as long as she does, but what if that is what she is now? Hope can hold you in the hard times, while faith will never fail to light your way in the dark. But they never told you how proud of you they were. Hope never asked you how your day went. Faith never bought you Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Maybe she isn't all that bad off. I genuinely hope that she will pull her shit together and you can live all happily ever after. You'll know when it happens though, when she hits her lowest point, when she needs a helping hand most. She'll call sometime in the middle of the night, begging you for help between her sobs and wails. I hope, no I cry out for you to have the strength to just walk away. It is a far better thing to live with a broken heart and what if's, than to merely exist with shattered remnants and certainty.

On November 05 2011 17:02 Verst wrote: I think, that after a certain point, you just have to let go. She'll never be that person you loved. That person is gone. You'd like to think deep down inside she's still in there, fighting to break free. That your mommy is still your mommy, and not this person, this stranger, that has goes around in her skin doing the dumbest shit imaginable. But there it is man, she's all fucked up and even if she turns it all around tomorrow, the curtain is open, and you've seen Oz operating the wizard's floating head. She'll never be the same, you'll never see her the same. Can you just keep building up trust and tearing it down again? Foundations crumble. Addiction warps the mind and sunders the soul.

I really hope that she does get it all back together dude, I sincerely do.You talked of hope and faith, and always trying as long as she does, but what if that is what she is now? Hope can hold you in the hard times, while faith will never fail to light your way in the dark. But they never told you how proud of you they were. Hope never asked you how your day went. Faith never bought you Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Maybe she isn't all that bad off. I genuinely hope that she will pull her shit together and you can live all happily ever after. You'll know when it happens though, when she hits her lowest point, when she needs a helping hand most. She'll call sometime in the middle of the night, begging you for help between her sobs and wails. I hope, no I cry out for you to have the strength to just walk away. It is a far better thing to live with a broken heart and what if's, than to merely exist with shattered remnants and certainty.

please dont listen to this guy, whatever you do. Imagine if everyone treated every issue, every problem so pessimistically. The world would be a pile of shit. If you give up on your mother and distance yourself from her and something happens you'll regret it forever. I was in a similar situation with my dad and i'll never forgive myself for our relationship when he died. She is your mother and you need to cherish the good times(however rare at this point) you do have with her.

Quite the sad post, but a good one. I know exactly what you're going through. Been dealing with the same thing with my mother for years. Its hard, very hard. There are times when I've tried to just write her off, but its impossible. Hope everything gets better for you though.

Some people have no idea how hard it is to be constantly supporting their parents without having them look over you and take care of you and make you think that everything's all right. That lack of a sense of security/certainty is probably one of the worst feelings in the world for any person. I only wish you the best of luck and steadfast determination in your future.

Come motivate me to be cynical about animus at http://infinityandone.blogspot.com/ // Stork proxy gates are beautiful.

On November 05 2011 17:02 Verst wrote: I think, that after a certain point, you just have to let go. She'll never be that person you loved. That person is gone. You'd like to think deep down inside she's still in there, fighting to break free. That your mommy is still your mommy, and not this person, this stranger, that has goes around in her skin doing the dumbest shit imaginable. But there it is man, she's all fucked up and even if she turns it all around tomorrow, the curtain is open, and you've seen Oz operating the wizard's floating head. She'll never be the same, you'll never see her the same. Can you just keep building up trust and tearing it down again? Foundations crumble. Addiction warps the mind and sunders the soul.

I really hope that she does get it all back together dude, I sincerely do.You talked of hope and faith, and always trying as long as she does, but what if that is what she is now? Hope can hold you in the hard times, while faith will never fail to light your way in the dark. But they never told you how proud of you they were. Hope never asked you how your day went. Faith never bought you Yu-Gi-Oh cards. Maybe she isn't all that bad off. I genuinely hope that she will pull her shit together and you can live all happily ever after. You'll know when it happens though, when she hits her lowest point, when she needs a helping hand most. She'll call sometime in the middle of the night, begging you for help between her sobs and wails. I hope, no I cry out for you to have the strength to just walk away. It is a far better thing to live with a broken heart and what if's, than to merely exist with shattered remnants and certainty.

No, I'm not going to do that. I could never walk away from my mother, no matter what.

Do you ever get the drunk phone calls late in the night? I got one of those just tonight, and its hard to listen but I feel so bad. Its when shes been drinking too much that she admits she has a problem but the next morning when she wakes up everything is fine and her drinking isn't an issue. She'll call sobbing badly, telling me how's she has screwed up and is a terrible person, and just wants me to forgive her for everything shes done. Do you have anyone you ever get to talk to about these things? Because so many people I know see it as a joke. I don't know if you experience that, but she's well known for her drinking and cocaine problem. So not too many people to ever talk to about it, just snude remarks.

And I'm not trying to story top or anything in case someone is to take this comment that way. In a way its kind of a relief that there is someone who I can relate to.

Wow. This made me cry - Like, I bawled my eyes out. I can relate with your entire post. My mom recently forgot what day my birthday was. All I got was a badly written text DAYS before I turned 21, telling me not to drink and drive that night and wishing me a happy birthday. When I think about her all I feel is guilt and a deep sadness. I can't imagine doing the things she did to me to my own daughter. I just don't get it.

I never, ever will.

@DesolateDrone - I get those. The crying, begging for forgiveness and telling me how badly she screwed up. It hurts my heart.

On November 06 2011 12:32 DesolateDrone wrote:Do you ever get the drunk phone calls late in the night? I got one of those just tonight, and its hard to listen but I feel so bad. Its when shes been drinking too much that she admits she has a problem but the next morning when she wakes up everything is fine and her drinking isn't an issue. She'll call sobbing badly, telling me how's she has screwed up and is a terrible person, and just wants me to forgive her for everything shes done. Do you have anyone you ever get to talk to about these things? Because so many people I know see it as a joke. I don't know if you experience that, but she's well known for her drinking and cocaine problem. So not too many people to ever talk to about it, just snude remarks.

And I'm not trying to story top or anything in case someone is to take this comment that way. In a way its kind of a relief that there is someone who I can relate to.

I haven't lately, but I know exactly how that is. When I was younger and she was drunk or on something, she'd be extremely emotional. Before I understood what was going on, I just thought she was sad or something like that. I remember one night she said how much she missed my dad and wished that they were still married. As a little kid with divorced parents, I always kept that hope alive that they would remarry, and when she said this, I got really hopeful.

She always apologizes when she's drunk, and that's when it's hardest, because you know they're being honest, but it's so hard to believe. As for having somebody to talk to about it, not really. That's one of the reasons I made this blog, and if you want somebody to vent to or anything, feel free to PM me.