Jax Taylor, the world’s biggest traitor, is hanging out poolside, grabbing cocktails with Kristen, who is reveling in her splendiforous outing of Tom Sandoval‘s cheating after she trotted Miami Girl, her used lip-plants, and Lee Press-On nails (Google the 80s for that ish!) up to the bar to confront Tom about the size of his peni (too small to warrant an “s”) and what exactly he was doing with it – not Kristen much to her dismay.

Since Kristen is happy and Tom 1 is sabotaged, she is kissing James. Meanwhile Jax looks like someone put something in his vodka – was he roofied?! He’d probably like that. He’s there with Carmen. who despite being dumped over pizza is sticking around for more camera time! She accuses Jax of texting 5 other girls, which was a rhetorical question, right? To prove his innocence Kristen grabs his phone and, oh look! there’s a text from some girl in Vegas that Tom 2 cheated with.

Tom Sandoval cannot escape his past! Meaning, Kristen Doute will not get a clue and move on! On last week’s Vanderpump Rules the poster child for obsessed ex-girlfriend hired conspired with “Miami Girl” (who maintains Tom cheated with her in Miami) to show up at SUR and confront Tom 1 in front of Ariana Madix. Of course it didn’t exactly go as planned…

Kristen insists she just wanted Tom to be honest because he cheated on her and destroyed their relationship, so naturally she deserved the truth about his relationship to Ariana! “I wanted answers,” Kristen says, admitting that her quest for knowledge was irrational. To say the least…

“I know that I’m broken up with Tom, I know James and I are together, and I know that it’s probably none of my damn business, but I made it my business,” Kristen states. Probably none of her business? Let’s go with DEFINITELY none of her business. And let’s also go with STILL OBSESSING.

For some odd reason Ariana Madix‘s blog isn’t posted on Bravo. Is it because in it the Vanderpump Rules star explains what really went on between Tom Sandoval and “Miami Girl” Annemarie Kunkel?

Tom was a guest on WWHL last Monday, where he proclaimed Bravo omitted much of the Miami story and didn’t give the behind-the-scenes details, Andy Cohen didn’t deny anything Tom said, and according to Ariana there were many, many things viewers weren’t privy too! Of course, the couple understands Bravo has a story to tell, and can’t include everything, but that doesn’t mean she has to keep quiet about it!

Thankfully Ariana wrote a very illuminating blog which she posted to her Tumblr where she snarks at Lisa Vanderpump, explains what we missed, and throws Kristen Doute some serious shade!

First on Stassi, Tom 1 has a “huge issue” with how she treated Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz. “She overstepped her boundaries of a friendship,” he says. “She took it too far but I wouldn’t expect anything less from her. I’ve known her for years and I’ve seen the way she handles situations—including when Jax was trying to get her back last season. She loved and relished in him groveling at her feet. It’s a common thing with Stassi.”

Tom was loitering, casually constructed behind the bar at SUR, when a trainwreck of botched lip implants and an immobile face appeared before him! He jumped; he recoiled in horror. No, not because he saw who it was – Annemarie from Miami – but because she ordered a Cosmo (is this Sex And the City circa 2002?!) – then he bolted. From her vantage point across the restaurant, perfectly positioned so she could witness the showdown while guzzling wine, Kristen leapt from her seat and went running after him. This wasn’t supposed to happen – Tom was supposed to run TOWARDS Kristen, not away from SUR.

So now that we’ve set the scene, let’s rewind – Lord knows I did a lot of that last night to catch every wimple of drama.

Tonight’s episode of Vanderpump Rules is when all the crazy breaks free from its tenuous grip on sane-ish behavior and explodes. Kristen Doute has schemed and conspired to out Tom Sandoval as a cheater and the woman he supposedly cheated with in Miami will confront him on camera.

Way back when – in March of last year – Tom went to Miami with Jax Taylor and Tom Schwartz where he allegedly hooked-up with AnnemarieKunkel, a self-described receptionist from NYC, (photo above) who claims she had no idea the boys were on reality TV. Poor Annemarie was so innocent and sweet, she then sold her hook-up story to a tabloid. Then, of course, she found Kristen on instagram to try and get some attention. Well, her hard work paid off!

Everyone has returned from Miami in high spirits – Lisa Vanderpump is impressed they managed to take a vacation without killing Scheana. Tom 1 and Ariana Madix even believe Tom’s talk with Kristen has given her the closure she needs and everything is peaceful. That peace, is the quiet before the storm, sadly.

Scheana Marie Almost Famous has anointed herself as diplomat of SUR and plans to ask Lisa for a raise after all the good work she did using penis straws to reunite the group. Poor Stassi is left out in the cold. She hasn’t just been shivering outside, pressing her face against the window and drooling over the fried goat cheese balls, she’s been beading! Stassi has been hustling! She’s not just living off her parents! Stassi’s real hustle is convincing people to actually interact with her.

First of all Kristen insists Ariana Madix was doing mean things too! Like we’re all 6 and playing tattle-tale. How about stop stalking her and Ariana might stop giving you dirty looks?! “I won’t deny the occasional (and admittedly immature) dirty look or side comment towards Ariana, but we both played it the same way.”

“She says Jax would sleep with ‘anything’ as an attempt to insult me, but yet she’s dating my ex?” complains Kristen. “For someone who’s so above me, she certainly spends a lot of time talking about me. The victim game she was playing with her crocodile tears in the cab blew my mind. Are we watching the same show?“