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Big XII Conference Panty Raid

One two three FOUR FIVE six seven eight nine ten ELEVEN TWELVE (dooooo dooo doooo doooo…)

You hear that Big TEleven – we’re the Big XII, and we have XII teams!

The Big XII (the roman numerals mean we’re fancy!) pinball is rolling around that giant machine… and which seed number will it finally land in? To my consternation, the Longhorns always seem to come up short in the conference tourney (no matter how well they end up doing in the Big Dance), so I’m gonna go with Kansas. Lord knows I will be choking on my own vomit if Texas A&M wins, so let’s just hope RockChalkJayhawk can pull this off. In the meantime, here are some Big XII hotties to chew on.

Now I get to take advantage of this opportunity, and make fun of all the teams in the conference…

Aww, yeah- kicking it old school with the Sesame Street throwback references. Can you handle it?

#1 Kansas: The Jayhawks are the Jekyll and Hyde of the conference. KU is known for two things in the Big XII: (1) winning the conference, and then (2) sucking at the Big Dance. They have a knack for producing alternating kick-ass NBA talent (Wilt, Kirk Hinrich, Paul Pierce) and total busts (Wayne Simien, Drew Gooden, Nick Collison). What do you expect for a school with a made-up bird for a mascot? They are the yuppie soccer moms to Kansas State’s backwoods hicks- but the easiest way to get them riled up is to proclaim Lawrence to be “a boring-ass ugly town in the middle of nowhere”. All of the trash talk here is for naught, because they’ll kick ass and win the conference like always- and then choke in the tourney with a loss to Weber State.

#2 Texas A&M: The Aggies are a funny sort. And by “funny” I mean “deranged”. Their history as an all-male military institution (want to make an Aggie go ballistic? call them “fake Army”) has resulted in approximately five bajillion weird, disturbed, redneck and borderline criminal behaviors, which are labeled “tradition” by Aggie. And tradition is sacred there… except when it comes to basketball- because until this season, Aggies didn’t know or care anything about basketball, and loved to look down on Kansas, Texas and OU for caring about the roundball. Then wunderkind Acie Law showed up, and now suddenly they are the biggest “fans” of the sport you’ll meet. Fortunately for them, A&M is the real deal this year, and will do well in the conference tourney and even better at the Big Dance- but unfortunately for them, they’re still Aggies- where these types of things are considered “fun”:

Yes, those are actual photos. No, they have not been photoshopped. Yes, they are grabbing their own packages in the last one- that’s a special tradition they call “squeeze Ags”. Now you see what I’m saying, right?

#3 Texas: Like you’re ever gonna get an unbiased preview of the Horns from me? Here, let me write this as though I were Bill Simmons: “Kevin Durant. Kevin Durant. Have you heard of Kevin Durant? Kevin Durant. This Durant kid is awesome. CELTICS! Kevin Durant. Durant for Naismith! Durant for Heisman! Durant for President! CELTICSPATRIOTSREDSOX. Have I mentioned Kevin Durant?” Texas will either lose in the semis to the nutgrabbers from A&M (particularly if Durant- I might not have mentioned him before- is still playing on an injured ankle), or run the table. Sadly, it’s probably the former.

#4 Kansas State: The Mildcats Wildcats from Manhattan (no, not that one- the one out in the middle of BFE Kansas, which has the sole purpose of existing to make Lawrence look cosmopolitan) are kind of a surprise #4 seed this year, with OU sucking it up and Oklahoma State choking down the stretch. Even though they are hayseeds, they are kind of awesome, too- they hurl live chickens on the court at the Kansas bench. (well, they did until PETA got involved) Other than that, they don’t have much to live for, so it’s hard to hate them. They’ll probably end up losing to a sucky OU team in their first game after the bye.

#5 Texas Tech: You know what would really help this school out? Some publicity. I’d suggest hiring a crazy-ass basketball coach who is prone to chair throwing, in a desperate attempt to get people outside the state of Texas to recognize them. (and football, take note: a potato-faced pirate coach who is fond of Spurrier-like visors and pitching fits might also work for you, too) Anything to distract people from the fact that you’re located in Lubbock- and I know Lubbock, because I was born there. More importantly, you don’t want people to remember you just for this:

And while we’re on the subject- Texas is not your rival. Texas A&M won’t even stoop that low. Why don’t you go play with Baylor?

#6 Missouri: Quin Snyder = yummy. Yes, I know he doesn’t even coach there anymore, but he’s still the most noteworthy thing about the team.

#7 Oklahoma State: Not to be confused with tOSU, OSU actually had a legitimate shot at a Big Dance bid, before they imploded down the stretch. Even though they are in Oklahoma, it’s hard to make fun of Stillwater- which (next to Austin, Madison and Ann Arbor) is probably the coolest college town around. And if you tried, Pistol Pete would hunt you down while you sleep- because that scary looking mascot is definitely the stuff of nightmares.

#8 Iowa State: blah. I can’t even be bothered to work up any hate for them. Total apathy.

#9 Oklahoma: Now that’s a team I can work up some hate for- the Land Thieves of Mobilehoma. However, it’s really not necessary here, because they’re horrible this year. Like, really awful. Trailer parks all over the state must be filled with people crying themselves to sleep at night this year. I think John Belushi summed it up best, when he said:

Funny thing is, even though they suck, Iowa State’s BLAH is so powerful, and Kansas State’s ability to fold is so refined, they could end up advancing to the semis.

#10 Nebraska / #11 Baylor / #12 Colorado: does anyone even care about these schools? I mean, I’m not even sure people in the red-fevered state of Nebraska care, Baylor “fans” (are there even any in existence?) have made a fine art out of not caring – and I don’t think Colorado actually fields a basketball team anymore… they certainly have not shown up on the court at all this year.

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT – all XII teams in the Big XII. And hopefully you have enough trash talk material in your reportoire, that you can amaze all your friends at the next cocktail party.

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About Texas Gal

Pitched four years for the Philadelphia Athletics, and then played shortstop for seven years for the Montreal Expos. Taught Rickey Henderson to steal a base. Taught Nolan Ryan to throw a punch. Taught Mickey Mantle to drink a beer. Threw one seven-hitter and seven no-hitters. Wonderboy was my creation, and first Jobu shrine was in my locker. Often called "the next Dustin Pedroia". Always wear high socks and eyeblack. Prefer to slide headfirst.

I’m a Kansas guy, and I can’t even get mad about this. However, I will say one thing. Leave us alone about our basketball, it’s all we’ve got. We suck or at least fail to excel at every other sport at the collegiate level.

Colorado is the most baffling team to me. How long has Ricardo Patton been coach there? 25 years? He’s brought in decent players and completely failed to make anything worthy out of them but he kept his job longer than anyone but Don Freakin’ Haskins. I guess they don’t ask much up in Boulder.

I must say, Darnell does look very Smoove B in that photo. However, you did the only other thing that will likely set a KU fan off – you jumped straight from Wilt to Kirk Heinrich? I know Danny Manning got hurt a lot in the NBA, but he was still a great player.

Now very true on Danny, ex – but it was more of a, “Of course, I have to say Wilt first, and then…” I just posted the next two big players I could think of. My brother, who always chides me about NBA knowledge, would be very disappointed in me.

KU’s basketball program is on a whole ‘nother level- which is why it is upsetting when they fold in the (NCAA) Tourney. And unlike with A&M, I don’t get any joy out of KU losing. Chickenhawks and all.

I consider it a good year when two of the three schools I went to make it to the tournament. However, as a Colorado grad, that gets tougher and tougher each year. Go Central Connecticut State! And maybe Syracuse still has a chance!

Yeah, I was so happy when Quin was hired at Mizzou, because I wanted it to be as easy to hate them as it was when Norm was coaching. I don’t know if I can despise Anderson to the proper degree, but maybe Huggins and Capel can take his place.

Rumor has it that Quin kicked his own (first) wife out of bed for students when he was an assistant at Duke… As a student there at the time, I can attest to the fact that he used his (very cute) dog to try to pick up female students on campus. I don’t know why he thought he needed that; clearly, he’s HOTT.