Marriage Makeover: We have in-law issues!

...And so do most married couples. Pick up some let's-get-along advice from this case study and our Redbook Marriage Institute expert's wisdom.

When it comes to in-laws, nearly every couple seems to have a story. Howard Falkow, 38, a human-resources consultant, and Debbie Falkow, 35, a stay-at-home mother, have struggled with a tricky in-law relationship since they married 14 years ago. But lately, the Falkows — who live in Ramsey, New Jersey, with their three children, Peter, 8, Mitchell, 6, and Robin, 1 — have clashed with Howard's parents over their grandparenting style. This in-law stress is now affecting Howard and Debbie's marriage, and they're eager to make changes.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Young marrieds often face in-law friction, because families tend to have different personality dynamics or ways of doing things, says Jane Greer, Ph.D., author of Gridlock: Finding the Courage to Move On in Love, Work, and Life and a Redbook Marriage Institute expert. "What compounds Howard and Debbie's problem is that they aren't on the same wavelength about how to deal with it," she says, "and this disconnect is unhealthy for their relationship." So Redbook turned to Greer to help resolve the Falkows' dilemma — and similar ones you might be facing.

"I don't like the way my father-in-law acts around my children," explains Debbie. "He says inappropriate things. For example, he recently made a crack about the film Problem Child, telling one of my sons, 'Here's a movie that's all about you.' Plus, I think my mother-in-law is critical of our parenting style, and this affects how she acts toward our children."

Howard, for his part, feels stuck in the middle. While he agrees with Debbie's view of the situation, he's worried about losing his tie with his parents. "Debbie is putting a wedge between them and me. I don't like how they handle our kids — my father has made many critical comments. But I have to accept who they are. I realize that I'm not going to change them.

Recently, things came to a flash point, the couple says, when Howard's father said more uncomplimentary things to Howard about one of their sons — in front of the child. In response, Howard and Debbie stormed out of his parents' home. Howard's father called to apologize to Howard a week later. But, Howard says, "Although I want to spend time with my parents, I can't do so comfortably because Debbie is very upset." Debbie wishes her father-in-law would apologize to her, too.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

When Debbie started dating Howard during college, she didn't expect she'd one day have serious problems with his parents. "Back then, I spent lots of time with his mom," Debbie recalls. "I even went to aerobics class with her. Things changed when we got engaged. She made me feel as though I was taking Howard from her."

During their first year of marriage, Debbie worked for her father-in-law at his travel agency. "I didn't expect special treatment, but I believe that he didn't behave nicely toward me at all," she says. "He'd bark orders and yell for no reason. Nothing I did seemed to please him."

When Debbie got pregnant, she thought it would pull her closer to his parents. But she still felt like an outsider. "I've always wanted to feel I'm as close to my mother-in-law as her own daughters are," says Debbie. "But his mom — and dad — seem increasingly impatient with the kids and with me."

Howard agrees that his parents aren't making things easy. "My mother is controlling. My father is critical of everyone," he says. But beyond admitting that, he's reluctant to stand up to his mom and dad, much to Debbie's disappointment.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

These highly charged in-law rifts are hard to mend, says Greer. So, to manage the situation, Howard and Debbie need to keep these strategies in mind:

Rethink your expectations. In other words, let go of idealized visions of relationships. Almost everyone enters marriage with some wishful thinking about making close connections with their in-laws. Debbie expected Howard's family to embrace her unconditionally. Debbie also assumed that Howard's parents would be wildly head over heels in love with their grandchildren, mirroring the close relationship she's always enjoyed with her own grandparents.

But fantasy time is over, says Greer. Instead of clinging to this fairy tale — and wishing for a relationship she doesn't have — it's time for Debbie to get real. "Recognize who your in-laws really are," suggests Greer. "If an in-law is negative, accept that you can't change his behavior. But what you can do is change your reaction to his behavior. This is the key."

Mend fences. Debbie and Howard need to make amends for walking out on Howard's parents and set up a visit to discuss the impasse. "Sometimes, if a situation is intolerable, walking away is the only way to cool it down," explains Greer. "But now you must walk back — steps that aren't always easy — and hammer out ground rules for the future relationship you're trying to build with your in-laws."

Present a united front. Debbie and Howard must go to his parents together and speak in "we" and "our" statements. They can say: "We felt bad the last time we saw you and wound up walking out. We want to talk with you about it and make sure it doesn't happen again to us." The more solid you are as a couple, the more prepared you'll be to handle any criticisms that come your way, says Greer.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Although Debbie wants Howard to be her knight in shining armor and leap to her rescue, it will be more meaningful if he calmly and strongly defends his family with statements like: "When you talk to our son like this, we find it distressing" and "It's important to us that you focus on what our kids do right." If the in-laws come back with "but" statements, insisting their viewpoint is the only right one, acknowledge that there are different parenting styles. Say: "You're entitled to disagree, but this is how we want to raise our children. We know you're trying to help in your own way, but we will let you know if we need your help."

Avoid tension-triggering scenarios. Next, Howard and Debbie need to temper situations that cause friction. They can limit their visits with his parents to an hour (rather than an all-day get-together) or arrange for meetings in public places — at a restaurant, on a picnic in a park, during a ball game — to decrease the likelihood that a situation could escalate out of control. For the time being, Greer advises, when the kids visit with his parents, Howard and Debbie should both be present. This will help ensure that his mother and father are respecting their parenting style.

Defuse negative comments. Help the criticizer hear how petty he or she sounds by politely turning the critical statement around, Greer advises. For example, if Debbie and Howard are told that their child should "act his age," they can respond with, "He's a child. He is acting his age." This should be said gently, not accusingly. The content of the message is heard if it's delivered without rancor. Add a smile. If told that their child should "be neater," they can respond with, "He's doing the best he can do. We are proud of our child." The principle here is to practice thoughtfully responding to a situation rather than reacting to it. Together, consider writing out common scenarios that might come up and your possible responses to them. This paperwork, of course, is for your eyes only, but will help you see options as a couple. If these tactics fail to get results, then retreat, protecting your family unit and all it stands for.

And finally, be open-minded. "Maybe Howard's mother has a good parenting point that Debbie could try," suggests Greer. "But if the mother-in-law doesn't, or if Debbie firmly feels that she's doing the right thing for her children, then Debbie must learn to not take it personally. Debbie and Howard are grown-ups. They're not raising their children to please the in-laws. They don't need their in-laws' blessing or approval to be good parents."