Evelyn: Excuse me, I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two. Charlie: Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tipoff? Evelyn: Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Charlie. And let's not forget, you always came back.

Alan: Where are you going? Evelyn: Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.

Charlie: I need someone who can give me drugs! Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a couple of calls. Alan: Drugs just mask the problem. Charlie: Fine!

Charlie: Jake, it takes more than sex to make a man happy...

Charlie: Wow, Texas used to be a separate country.

Judith: I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.

Jake: Hey, Dad, when you got arrested for shoplifting, did they take you to jail? Alan: I did not get arrested, and there was no jail. Jake: So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.

Evelyn: Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have. Charlie: She knows what she's talking about, Alan.

Alan: You need to get Jake dressed, make him his lunch, and get him to school by eight, OK? Charlie: OK. Alan: You're not moving. Charlie: Yes, I am.

Alan: It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it. Charlie: Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.

Berta: Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: