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I have been following a thread on another forum for months. There was a comment made by a BS that prompted me to start this topic.
Paraphrasing...A wayward will never have self-respect.

I disagree.
Definitely, during the A, we didn't have any self-respect or any respect for our BS.
However, in order to move forward and heal from our actions, we have to work on ourselves, discover the reasons for our past actions, and put into action the "new and improved me".

I have self-respect.

Thoughts???

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow. Together more than 48 years.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 3167 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it

pointofnoreturn♀ 41034Member # 41034

Posted: 8:48 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

Never say never.

I will admit I have zero respect for myself. Especially after the As, but even before. I find it hard to love myself knowing what I've done.

But to assume it'd always be like this is a bit absurd. If that's the case, every wayward should just be dumped and there's no point in trying to R.

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. My lack of self-respect was so severe that I just allowed the As to happen, and consequently, showed I had little respect for the relationship.

This realization makes me cry. But I did it. Can't undo it now. So, do I choose to just accept it as "fate" that I'll never change, or do I pick myself up and try again?

To assume someone is always x is a defeatist attitude.

Me- WGF 24
Him- BBF 22
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013

looking forward♀ 25238Member # 25238

Posted: 9:10 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

point:
Thank you for your response.
As Dr. Phil says, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge."
So you have taken the initial steps of recovering self-respect.
You are also so young! No matter how old we are (I am 62) we can and do change.
May I recommend a book for you? I see that you don't yet have the minimum number of posts to receive PMs. I also think this book would help other WS who are struggling with self-respect.
Living the Truth by Dr. Keith Ablow.

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow. Together more than 48 years.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 3167 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it

Trying33♀ 38815Member # 38815

Posted: 9:21 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

All the way through the A, I had zero self-respect. It's funny, but my thoughts often wondered to my parents, about how they did their utmost to raise moral and well adjusted adults, even through their own hardships and sacrifices, their most biggest aim in life was to raise, if nothing, at least kids who knew right from wrong.

I had not only failed myself and my H but also them, despite their hard work. What was the point
?

Anyway, these thoughts would usually occur in the middle of the night as I rarely slept due to anxiety. My thoughts would be so clear. But by the morning, the need for the drug would be high and I would wait for my fix, and conveniently, these crystal clear thoughts would be justified or pushed to the back of my mind. My self-respect was at an all time low.

I got my self-respect back the minute NC was initiated. NC was maintained purely due to me needing my self-respect back again. I was thrown under the bus and I was damned if I was going to let him treat me like that. He made out as though it was all my fault and let me take all the blame (which I did at the time but then later realised what had happened). Experiencing self-respect again fuelled my NC.

Posts: 362 | Registered: Mar 2013

Lmw9808♂ 41255Member # 41255

Posted: 10:18 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

I would also agree that during the A I had no self respect for me or others in my life. In my case this went on for years. I am still working on my path to gaining back some self respect. It is a difficult road because of so may unanswered questions around how I could let myself get like this in the first place. I do believe change is possible for anyone who is willing to put in the effort.

Me - WH 44
Her - BS 45
Married 19 years
D-Day 5/18/13 5 year LTA

Posts: 16 | Registered: Nov 2013

KBeguile♂ 38348Member # 38348

Posted: 11:19 AM, November 16th (Saturday), 2013

I'm going to chime in here, because this issue came up in my mind recently. In fact, I was going to post my own thread about it, but now I don't have to.

I think, for me, my brain combined an already-active Major Depression Syndrome with an extrapolated love history:
Girlfriend in high school -- cheated on me with 3 guys
Girlfriend after high school -- was dating my archnemesis and then became a lesbian
1st college girlfriend -- used me to have underage access to cigarettes and raves, still in love with her boytoy from across the street
...

There are more, but the conclusion I've come to is that I already had a low opinion of myself, which I covered with a pretend ego to hide the damage. My past FOO and relationship issues chipped it away, and I eventually caved in to the idea that I would ever have a loving relationship. And I never worked on my self-esteem as a result.

Broken from the very beginning in a relationship that would have probably otherwise been fine.

As a friend once told me; Treat others with the same measure of respect you wish to be treated with, make sure your life is displaying conduct that is above reproach and above all else love your wife and your children. This is self respect.

WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

As a friend once told me; Treat others with the same measure of respect you wish to be treated with, make sure your life is displaying conduct that is above reproach and above all else love your wife and your children. This is self respect.

I like this....
I think I have more self respect then I have had I a long time. I don't believe in a world that has "never" or "impossible". Maybe that's foolish but I feel sorry for the person who does feel this way.

There isn't a more rock bottom place than having an affair, lying to the person you live the most. What I did gutted me. Pulling myself out of that, confessing and working hard to clarify and define my values- I don't think I've ever had more self respect for doing that work.