Spoof news stories from Wednesday 17 September 2008

Lloyds TSB is to merge with the troubled HBOS, creating a banking giant that will hold almost a third of UK customers' savings and mortgages. Economists have reacted by advising investors to immediately withdraw their savings from the new company.

New York, New York - Negotiations broke down between Lehman Brother representatives and that of the feds for a federal bailout when the accounting books disclosed that Lehman Bothers did not qualify under the Bush's "Too Big to Fail" economic doctrin...

President Clinton's wife Hillary Clinton was at a movie in New York City recently when she spotted Monty Python comedian and traveler Michael Palin entering the theatre. It was reported that she immediately left the theatre, even though she had alrea...

Manchester United continued their poor start to the season at Old Trafford in the Champions League tonight when, amid the confusion over their opponents' name, they failed to convert numerous half-chances into goals, drawing 0-0 with Villarreal.
V...

In a similar breaking story, busy research scientist Mike Geek also revealed some other secrets about our food-stuffs.
'You see' he ranted to anyone within ear-shot 'Quaver's failed every musical test we gave them, except for the ones in crispness...

Washington, DC - Be it Bear Sterns, Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac or even AIG, the word on Wall Street is that the Feds are willing to go along with the new economic model of privatizing the profits while socializing the liability to Main Street. Once agai...

In a surprise casting, Heather Mills McCartney has been cast as the Wicked Witch in a Pantomime in Rhyll.
The production, which stars Joe Pasquale as Buttons, Sonia as Cinderella, and the Grumbleweeds as every other character has sold out many of...

News has just reached us that Environmental groups plan to stop Government efforts to flood fictional place, Moomin Valley, home of the Moomintrolls, lovable creatures from the past.
Moomins are very much like Hobbits, in that they don't actually...

Timothy Claypole, the never funny court Jester in children's sitcom Rentaghost is to be recast as a serial killer in the forthcoming film of the series that is being released on Friday.
Claypole will be played by heavyweight English Thespian Jerem...

Pigeon Street's beloved Long Distance Driver Clara has shocked many of her neighbour's in the multi-cultural cartoon street, where she lives with Italian Chef Husband Luigi, by being arrested for speeding, a move which could seriously damage her 30 y...

Hundreds of black cabs in London are to undergo safety checks over fears they may burst into flames.
About 500 vehicles have been recalled after seven engine fires were reported in London in the past three months.
Taxi drivers believe that a...

Mr and Mrs Smith, two fleas from Walthamstow have told all about their holiday plans for this year.
Mr Smith, a small Flea, known locally for his outlandish ideas and plans said: 'Me and the Mrs need a holiday. It is not easy being a flea you kno...

There was consternation in a London store today, when a shopping trolley was found to have only one working wheel.
Sally Allports-South from the unnamed shop, where everything costs £1 takes up the story for us: 'Wayne, our trolley boy, was wheeli...

A fight broke out in the Shepton Mallet supermarket, following an argument over the last of the Red Grapes within the store.
Peter Thin, and Sonia Wafer had their eyes on the last bunch of Red Grapes when Sonia saw the metaphorical red mist. She r...

News from a leading supermarket is that their brand new range of Strawberry Ketchup has been the slowest seller of all of the stores ranges. It is even slower than sales of Apple and Anchovie pie, which tests had proved would have been a big seller w...

Today, president Bush called a press conference to explain his backing of the government's bailout of insurance giant AIG.
"Comrades", the president said in opening up his speech, "today we have added another financial institute to the People's R...

Gordon Brown sacked himself from his post as Prime Minister of Great Britain today in a showing of solidarity with Labour party rebels who argue that he should resign.
Brown wholeheartedly supported calls for himself to be let go as Labour party...

The collapse of the UK's third largest package holiday group has left tens of thousands of Britons stranded abroad in a variety of exotic destinations, ranging from the Isle of Dogs to Antarctica, and Butlin's Kinshasa to the Gobi Desert.
The dec...

President Bush has implemented a new policy, which includes no persons of the United States Government Top Officials shale own any assets over $500, 000.00 during any economic hardship. Also included in this policy are provisions that state, all off...

Jesus today returned from his two thousand year holiday to find the Earth in turmoil.
"What the hell has happened here," he said as he arrived at Heathrow's terminal 5. "It's bad enough that they've lost my luggage, I mean what has been going on?!...

New York, New York - Thousands of employees in New York City's finacial district woke up this morning to find that their buildings in which they work had been moved to the front lawn of the White House. House movers relocated the entire financial dis...

In breaking news today it was revealed that alcohol was the answer to all the worlds problems.
Top UK scientist Professor Hugh Jarse said today, "I have been trying to find all sorts of answers to all sorts of problems when I just had enough."...

Not long after his record breaking Sotherby's auction of dead rotting stuff dressed up as art to idiot elites who have nothing better to spend their money on, now that they've become board of normal things such as mansions, cars, planes and unlimited...

Today California Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced a new initiative to start taxing resident's farting in order to reduce the emission of the state's green house gasses.
"We are going to find out who is causing all of this 'Global Warm...

This morning, a sheepish Pope, Benedict XVI announced to a gathered audience that he is apologizing for asking an art museum in Northern Italy to remove the display of a frog on a cross that was created by German artist Martin Kippenberger
"We rea...

North Pole-- Santa Claus called NATO headquarters today after a surprise Russian invasion of the North Pole. The Russians now claim the entire Arctic as their territory, along with its untold oil riches. Fierce hand-to-hand combat was reported at San...

With the recent collapse of Lehman Brothers and the credit crunch McDonalds have decide to combine takeaway food and banking.
The idea is that the more junk food that people buy will save them money on purchasing food. This money can then be direc...

Help with an ethical matter will be forthcoming this week. Follow a friends advice regarding a moral dilemma that has been troubling you for some time. A surprise source of income could come your way.
You have discovered that a distant relative has recently been diagnosed with colon cancer and that the prognosis is poor. She is a spinster and has no close relatives. Even better she owns a four...

PONTYPRIDD, SOUTH WHALES - 1960'S singing sensation Tom Jones, who had such hits as "It's Not Unusual," "What's New Pussycat," and "She's A Lady" has just announced that he is releasing his first album in the United States in 15 years.
Jones who...

Washington DC/Washington Post - Democratic Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, third in line for the Presidency, made light of Rep. Charles Rangel's recent tax avoidance problems. "This is not an ethical problem," she pronounced," this is a racial pr...

The United Kingdom is going to wage an all out war against Nigerian scammers, it said today.
"We've had enough of the bastards, they are going down" Said Gordon Brown.
"We've already bombed eight internet cafes in Lagos, and many more will foll...

NY/NY The New York Times - Never missing the opportunity to take advantage of a partisan news event, the defeated Presidential Democrat candidate ironically bowed out of a planned demonstration at the UN, calling the event "TOO partisan." The decis...

Bloodyvostock - (Ass Mess): Cops have smashed a 1552 mile long underground vodka pipeline between the Kremiln and the Abramovich Arms pub in Chelsea.
Dozens of moonshiners are under arrest and the smuggling scam has seen 90% of subterranean EU 'te...

Sen. John McCain announced actress Tina Fey as his vice presidential candidate Wednesday, calling her "the running mate who can best help me shake up Washington."
"She's exactly who this country needs to help me fight the same old Washington polit...

America - (AssoCIAted Mess): Former UK Prime Monster Tony Blair has turned to a stint at satire in a bid to polish up his putrid, JP Morgan money-grubbing, tarnished image.
He will appear as the star attraction on Thursday's The Daily Show with Jo...

Maintain a positive attitude and things will naturally flow your way this week. Tell a few jokes [not the one about the baseball bat and the care home assistant], and keep things light and energetic. You will find that you can multi-task very well, and that you have the built-in ability to make everyone around you smile.
Don't shy away from things, move toward them. Put away your self-doubt th...

You certainly are in a strange mood this week, Librans.
True, things have been running unusually smoothly for you the past few days, but be careful not to fool yourself. Pride comes before a fall, as they say. With Jupiter's moon's entering Saturn, a Schizophrenic breakdown is a distinct possibilty. However, relax. Recent developments in neuroleptic medications have now reduced the demonic voic...

There are days when you will feel truly wonderful this week Scorpio. If you are thinking about changing careers my advice to you is 'Go for it'. With the Moon entering Pluto success is virtually guaranteed. I'd go as far as to tell your present boss to stick his job up his fat arse.
Similarly, if you are contemplating leaving your partner and kids for that young dental nurse you have been seei...

No matter what you are doing today, have fun with it, dear Sagittarius. Whistle a tune or sing a song. Turn the stereo up to full volume and dance around your kitchen as you make dinner. Remember that you can find amusement in just about anything, even terminal illness, so keep this in mind as you tackle even the most revolting of tasks .
You are responsible for your own attitude. If you wanna...

First the good news. This week Virgos, you will be offered the trip of a lifetime. A free first class plane ticket and £10,000 cash to travel around the world at your leisure for the next 12 months. The bad news is however you will have to refuse the offer.
With global terrorism due to reach it's peak in 2008, it would be total madness to leave your house let alone the country. Sure the Taj Ma...

The once a year visit of the new moon to your partnership chart makes romance a probability. Put more simply, if you play your cards right it should be 'furry beard time' from now till Good Friday.
On a more cautious note if you have a best friend called either Ian or Lisa be careful. The wilful planet Saturn is in their cusp and consequently they are more than likely to contract a serious bact...

Hollywood/LA Times - The Hollywood A-List turned out in record numbers to raise money for their anointed Presidential Candidate Barack Obama, and to be musically reminded of their political past by the Liberal Diva.
The cheering crowd of Beautiful...

Off-the-Wall-St, NY - (Meltdown Mess): The Vatican's Nazi-gagging stink tank is down to its last divine IOU after a string of dodgy investment tips from a top Opus Dei stooge.
"We're not exactly calling him God's Banker Mk#2," NYC editor of LA Fa...

WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - Sarah Palin says she wants women who have had abortions to be jailed for life, in an exclusive interview with FMLiveWire.
Palin says she reflects a new attitude toward women by America's religious right and the Republica...

Following last week's cabinet meeting in Birmingham - the first to be held outside of London in almost 90 years - Prime Minister Gordon Brown is to follow this innovation with a second get together of his top ministers to be held on Southport beach.

Atlanta Constitution, September 2008: Not since General Sherman marched through the "Peach State" in 1864 have the people of Georgia felt so violated. In this case it wasn't the "Damn Yankees" but our southern brothers of North Carolina who crossed o...

"After Sarah's joke, I just have to lipstick up some pigs and take a photo. She'll love it!" Todd Palin, Interview Daily September 15, 2008
By now, Sarah Palin is as much a household word, known instinctively, as well as GE, Hoover, Kenmore, Pepsi, Coke, McDonald's, and scores of others. When we hear Sarah or Palin or the two together, immediately our minds go to the Presidential race. And,...

Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard scored both his side's goals in a 2-1 Champions League win in Marseille last night, and immediately slapped in an enormous pay claim to double his present salary.
Already on £100,000-a-week, Gerrard believes his ma...

One old guy who gave his Grand Daughter a cuddly young puppy for her birthday was faced with problems when he discovered the new puppy was losing weight.
He investigated the pooch's eating habits to find that the daily bowl of milk he placed in...

Republican Party leaders have sought to take the big risk and break up the somnabulist McCain campaign with exciting and inexperienced Sarah Palin.
Republican Party advisors told press that once they realized that the nation could be lured by bla...

John McCain responded with awesome shock this week when Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama turned down his invitation to perform a "Me and My Shadow " song and dance at an upcoming Republican minstrel show.
McCain told America that li...

Mary the Mother of God or a Jewish pregnant teen with a great alibi is thought to be the only human to have experienced a virgin birth.
Parthenogenesis has been observed in certain frogs but never in a human woman who has given birth five times.

Republicant actuarial experts recommended to the VP vetters that their choice had a 90% chance of being one of the few VP's to take the Presidential oath of office in close proximity to a dead US Commander in chief.
With that golden Chicken nugg...

The famous clock tower in Westminster, often mistakenly known as Big Ben, which is actually the name of the Bell, has been charged with Benism, it emerged today, as the government feel it could offend Bens.
"We are making sure this case is dealt w...

As the Fringe rips from Heroes, so too the Republicants have plagiarized Democrat child messiah Obama and the great white female hope Hillary. Republicant campaign commercials have played on popular TV with slogans like: "Save the runner-up beauty qu...

In an amazing twist of fate Michael "Seinfeld why did it end?" Richards is to wed sultry young soultress Rhianna.
Michael best known for his role as Kramer and shoving forks up the asses of those who do not resemble him stated "She is the best thi...

The Spoof can exclusively reveal that the Disgraced Pop Paedo Pervert Gary Glitter will be recording in the studio with disgraced dirty disciple Judas Iscariot.
Judas "Thirty Pieces" Isacriot
An insider who has never met Judas or Gary told th...

London/The Guardian - Despite the declaration from a Saudi Arabian cleric who said that Mickey Mouse was "one of Satan's Soldiers", Minney and Mickey Mouse agreed to submit their counter claims of domestic abuse to the newly recognized UK Sharia Co...

The financial markets were left reeling following the revelation that the makers of the popular board game Monopoly had been under pinning the Lehman Brothers for many years.
Monopoly had been ploughing money into the Lehman Brothers banking firm...