Congratulations. You made it through your divorce. But at some point, you’re inevitably going to need the “Gentleman’s Guide” to attending your first function together post divorce. Sure, you show up to a function and discover – your Ex. It’s awkward. It’s uncomfortable. It’s painful. You don’t want to be there with her but then again, your attending this function to see old friends and acquaintances or maybe your own child at one of their functions.

While it’s perfectly normal to feel weird and uncomfortable, you need to suck it up and get through it. Here are four easy tips to make the process as painless as possible.

The Gentleman’s Guide for the Divorced Man

Stay Classy. Plain and simple: stay classy. What does that mean? Keep it clean, keep it elegant. Look and feel your best, carry yourself in the best way possible.

Classy also means your demeanor. Even if you hate your ex or the person she may have brought along, staying classy means that no one should be able to read your mind based on your body language or the look on your face. Pull one from the politician playbook: you’re walking around shaking hands and kissing babies, being so very gracious. How will you know if you’ve succeeded? When you hear people sincerely say with a bit of amazement in their voice, “Wow, you look really good.”

Be The Bigger Man. Unless you lived in a cave prior to this outing, it’s highly likely that the rest of your social circle are also aware that this is your first venture out in public, together yet apart. It’s also highly likely that they feel tension and are dreading the possible negative outcomes. While some may root for a cat fight, others would rather avoid any and all drama. You have the ability to play to the second group by being the bigger man.

The Gentleman’s Guide would suggest this is a public function and neither of you are the focus of the attention. Any and all tension will be diffused by your taking the initiative, and approaching her with a greeting, a polite hello, a firm handshake to her guest perhaps, and then moving on. Then, wham, it’s over.

How will you know when you’ve succeeded? When you hear people, maybe even her companion, sincerely say with a bit of amazement in their voice, “Wow, he is a really cool guy.”

Stay Distant. Now that you’ve diffused any tension and gotten over the hump of the first greeting, you are going to keep things civil by simply keeping your distance. Find something else to do. Find other people to talk to you. The greetings have been made and that’s enough, this time. Maybe next time you can make small talk, but for now just leave well enough alone. Maintain a healthy distance. Don’t spend the duration rubbernecking to find out exactly where she is, simply trust your instincts. You were married to her, you can sense her whereabouts. Stay out of her force field and carry on as your usual, wonderful self. Keep in mind the reason you came to this function in the first place and make that your focus.

How will you know when you’ve succeeded? When you hear people sincerely say, “I’m so glad you came, I know this had to be awkward. Thank you for making the effort.” Then, you’ll know the Gentleman’s Guide was right.

Stay Sober. This is easily the most important of all four points from the Gentleman’s Guide. Even if you ignore the other three final boarding calls, you will miss your flight entirely if you disregard this advice. A drink might very well help your nerves…but anything beyond that will not. Instead, it will demolish all of the other stuff we’ve talked about: instead of keeping it classy, you will be the drunk hot mess stumbling around with his clothes disheveled, spilling on yourself and quite likely on someone else; instead of being the bigger man and making a good impression, you will overstay, overplay and overspeak; instead of staying distant, you will hover, invade her space with either your person or your comments. You will decide that you have very important, very personal things to say and you will tell them to everyone who will listen and you will repeat them at greater volumes to those who won’t.

Just stay sober. This is the only time you will ever have to handle your first public function apart; do it like the Gentleman’s Guide suggests and all future functions will be that much more enjoyable.

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So, I get it. You’re confused. You’re not sure what to do when contemplating divorce. Sure, life might be less confusing after divorce, but, are you giving up too soon? What of you and your relationship with your kids? Will it change? Will it be better? Or will it get…

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It’s over. Finished. Your divorce is final. Now that it’s over, what are you going to do? Maybe you had pictured what life after divorce was going to be like, maybe you never thought about it until after the final decree was entered. Either way, now it’s time to face…

Well, it’s that time of year when we all celebrate the coming of a new year and new opportunities. It’s also the time of year where we reflect on the past, and think about what has gone well, and what has not. And, then the dreaded thoughts start – Why can’t I have a partner who cares about me? And, if I divorce, will I divorce for all the right reasons.

These thoughts may lead to disenchantment with the marriage they forged with their partner many years ago. And, if the thought process continues unabated, thoughts of real divorce are not far behind. The thoughts of ending a marriage are devastating, for both parties. No one escapes the tragedy of divorce once the process starts.

Ending a marriage is one of the most devastating emotional hits a person takes in life. Truthfully, I think it’s worse than death. Death is a natural part of life and marriage; we make a vow to love each other ‘until death do us part’. Happily married couples will avoid even thinking about it except to draw up wills or buy life insurance. Divorce, on the other hand, isn’t natural. What person, genuinely in love, marries another human being with expectations of anything other than building a long and happy life together?

Down in the southern Bible Belt where I was raised, the bedrock belief that marriage is a sacred, forever thing was strongly instilled. D-i-v-o-r-c-e was not even spoken above a shameful whisper. If there were problems between a husband and wife, the solution was that you did whatever was necessary, working together to work it out. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that with the majority of relationships this kind of ‘stick with it’ approach still works. I’ve known couples who value their marriage and buckle down to do whatever needs to be done to restore the happy state of the union. Sometimes in today’s fast and disposable lifestyle it can just seems easier to toss out things that are less than perfect. I’ve seen love thrown away like this and it’s always sad, especially when children are involved. And then there are times when no amount of effort or determination can fix things.

So when do you divorce for all the right reasons?

As an immature 19 year-old, I and my infant son endured horrific abuse at the hands of my first husband. Why did I stay as long as I did? Because I was brought up to believe that a divorce was a straight ticket to hell and damnation. I was afraid I wasn’t up to the responsibility of raising myself and a child. I literally believed him when he said no man would ever want me again. And no one believed me when I tried to tell them what was going on. Not even the police.

Later I married again, this time to a man who, on the surface, appeared to be genuine, loving and kind. It took seven years to uncover that his sole motivation for the courtship and marriage was to gain for himself a manly, ‘good old boy’ veneer in order to survive and prosper in the homophobic atmosphere that was Texas in the last century. He wasn’t gay but transgendered. By marrying me and adopting my son, he could hide and protect his secret. No, he didn’t beat me but the scars he inflicted were just as deep and real.

I may be a woman but we certainly don’t own exclusive rights to victimhood. Statics are revealing a marked increase in the number of reported domestic violence cases against men. Women are finally achieving notorious equality as the perpetrators they’ve always been capable of being.

Male or female, physical, emotional and sexual abuse are the top reasons to run – not walk – away. These are issues that lead to divorce for all the right reasons. It may sound logical and obvious but where the heart is involved, it becomes incredibly easy to ignore wisdom and reason ourselves right into denial. You tell yourself that there’s no way that this person with whom you have shared so much would actually, intentionally hurt you in any way, shape, form or fashion. As a former crime reporter, I can tell you I heard this a lot. Unfortunately in many cases it was too late to hear it first hand.

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For a man, divorce is never easy. Crawling back from divorce and starting over to begin a new life offers an even greater challenge. I came to learn a lot about myself in the process, and here are a few things I’ve learned which might be helpful to any man going through a divorce.

Divorce is a scar on the existing stability of society. It destroys families and leaves both marriage partners stunned, bewildered and confused for years afterwards. If you think a man is the only one feeling the heartache and trauma of a divorce, this is not true. She is feeling the same way. It may be disguised in a pout or a look of indifference if you happen to see her on the street or in a restaurant with her friends after the divorce, but she is feeling the effects of the divorce the same way you are. She will experience them in those sleepless nights when she is tossing and turning in bed wondering if she did the right thing in letting you go. She will mull over her decision for many years wondering if she did the right thing after the marriage finally ended. However, time heals everything as they say. Time is your best ally because it heals, and healing is what you need to regain the strength, confidence and vitality that was once a very intricate part of your life. Remember when there wasn’t a thing you thought you couldn’t do. That’s the kind of confidence you need to put back into your life after a divorce.

Never marry a future prospective spouse out of pity, thinking you are the knight on the white charger who can come into her life to change it completely. It will never happen. Many men think they are the principle “Bread-Winner” and it is their responsibility to provide for the woman. They have a good job, financial stability, and a future allowing them the opportunity to move up the ladder in their job and become prosperous. Marriage isn’t all one sided when it comes to money. The woman needs to also share financial responsibility in the marriage. What that means is she needs to work, just like you, and bring in a suitable income so that both of you can have a better life living together. Gone are the days when women believe a man can support them entirely. That will not work. This is the 21st Century, and that sort of thinking went out the door with the Beatles and Rock ‘roll music. Also, and to me this is extremely important, please take time to get to know the person you eventually want to share your life with. Crawling back from divorce takes at least a full year, maybe longer to get to know her. How does she act when faced with a stressful situation? Who are her friends? Are they friends of yours, and will they spread gossip about you behind your back when problems arise in your relationship. Small town gossip, for example, has ruined many marriages where both partners are having difficulty but trying to reconcile their differences but keep getting bad advice from friends or other family members. And finally, how does she regard you after you’ve dated her for several months. Is the bond deepening? Or are you both losing interest? That’s why I believe it is so important to take time to get to know the other person before you jump into marriage. It will pay huge dividends in your future life, especially if you find your eventual soul-mate in the woman you are currently dating. She will be there for you…one to love and support you unconditionally in everything you do

Keep a watchful eye out for any woman who checks you out by asking what you do and how much you earn. In most cases she’s looking for a sugar daddy, a means of financial security which she’s hoping you can provide without her having to contribute much financially during the relationship.

Although this isn’t true in every case (there are exceptions), I’ve seen an attitude in many Western World women which strongly suggests they regard themselves as privileged or entitled. I don’t honestly know what it is, or how to describe it, but you can see it in an attitude, an upturned nose or a faint, disingenuous smile. We all must live in peace and harmony in this world but being around someone harboring a superior attitude is never good for any relationship. I’ve seen too many younger men being, so to speak, led around by the nose, by a spouse who wants to dominate and control everything in the man’s life. And, as a divorcee crawling back from divorce, we are particularly vulnerable to this type of woman. We’ll do nearly anything for love and to find love and acceptance, But, there is a proce to pay. As part of the human species, you have a right to be your own person. So, by all means, avoid this type of mindless, control freak very early in the dating process. You’ll be better off in the end if you do. Again, get to know the person you intend to marry very well before slipping a ring on her finger.

Crawling back from divorce

I now live in Bangkok, Thailand, happily married for the past 17 years to a Thai national. Very early in the relationship, I was friendly, polite, and cordial. I respected her right to live and be herself around me. Her mindset and attitude were typically Thai…filled with a quiet sense of control and calmness I’d never found in any other woman I had ever dated. Not once did she ever give the impression she was privileged or entitled to anything I had. What I offered she was grateful to receive, and let me know many times while we dated. Her parents were well off financially, but she wanted a man in her life she could form an “emotional bond” with and was not out looking for his money. We eventually had a child which helped strengthen the marriage. Most Thai women are kind, respectful, and supportive of their husbands…especially if they are married to a foreign man and have a child by him. I’m not saying this is the way to go (having a child) but in my case it worked out fine.

If divorced, stay where you are for at least one full year before you more on. You need time to get settled financially and emotionally before leaving town, which I suggest you do to start a new life over somewhere else. If you leave too early, all those old tapes and emotional baggage about the divorce will follow you into your new environment…and you don’t want to do this to yourself. It will only lead to more feelings of angst and depression.

Please remember, you are not alone. There are many divorced men just like you out looking to begin a new life. It can and will happen for you. Play it cool and be more selective about the next woman you meet. If you learn from some of the things I’ve posted here, you can and will crawl back from divorce and start over again much wiser about the next woman entering your life.

Establishing a gratefulness practice is an excellent way to combat stress and overcome the effects of depression after divorce. A simple plan to be more thankful is likely to be one of the most profound changes you can make as you begin to adapt to your new environment as a divorced man.

Just to be is a blessing. Just to live is holy.
― Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel

Appreciating What You’ve Got

The concept here is very easy to understand, and it really doesn’t require you have a particular faith, only that you are willing to look at your life as a gift. We often go through our daily lives forgetting to take stock and be thankful for all the wonderful things that we have. Learning to recognize these gifts and show appreciation for them is one of the keys to living a happier life, and goes a long way for overcoming the lingering effects of depression after divorce.

One of my favorite quotes concerning life is from author Neil Gaiman’s Sandman comic series, spoken by the character Death: “You get what anybody gets – you get a lifetime.”

Personally, I really do subscribe to the belief that our merely being here is a ridiculously amazing thing beyond comprehension. That we are here at all is astounding, and that we can observe this and “feel alive” is certainly something I would consider a blessing. Life is a gift, whether granted from a higher power or simply the luck of a billion years of DNA recombining; either way, learning to appreciate it will have a profound affect on your sense of well being.

The point is; in order to experience life with a sense of joy and wonder, we merely have to remember to be thankful for what we have. Learning to do so, on a continuing and very conscious level, is what I mean when I refer to having a gratefulness practice.

Taking Stock Helps Combat Depression After Divorce

What is the first thing you do in the morning? I would suggest that here, when we first awake, is a really good place to begin our practice. True, we all take a minute, sometimes longer, to get present when we come out of sleep. Some hit the ground running while others linger with their dreams as long as they can. Whichever approach to your morning applies for you, once you begin the process of assessing your day, as we all do, work to notice the good things first.

Is your bed warm and dry? Did you sleep well? Do you have running water to look forward to? Is there food in the refrigerator? Is the sun shining? Do you get to do good work today?

These are just a very few ideas of things to focus on to get your grateful, thankful self to start running the show. Take a few minutes as soon as your brain starts to focus on the day, and begin to practice gratefulness. Say silent (or spoken) words of thanks for at least five things before you even rise out of bed. I promise you that within days you will begin to feel a noticeable shift in how the progress of your week feels.

The more we focus our thoughts on what is going right in our lives, the more we experience life as positive and meaningful, even when we are dealing with some level of depression after divorce. The trick is training our minds to actively seek out the good while dismissing the bad (dealing with negativity without giving it any additional space in our thoughts). Sure, we all can get frustrated, feel like we are being maligned, suffer unfortunate events or feel we’re having a run of bad luck. The point is to try and find things that make us happy, Learn to look for the silver linings.

The Only Change is to Your Perspective

A gratefulness practice does not require you to suddenly change all the little aspects of your life you are dissatisfied with. On the contrary, the practice is best suited to just learning to reframe your experience. Instead of getting mad because you seem to be continually late for engagements, use your practice to notice that you like to take your time, and embrace the part of you that moves slowly, instead of cursing it for making you late.

Of course, we aren’t trying to excuse problems in your life or lessen the need to address them. We just want to keep getting better at looking at what IS working, and keep reinforcing those behaviors. Taking time out of your day both scheduled and impromptu, to look at the good in your life, will slowly and surely transform your entire outlook on life.

So, if you’re feeling depressed, if you’re overwhelmed or just generally stressed out; take heart. Applying a simple practice of being grateful for the gifts of life that are right in front of you, will keep you finding more.

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With so many online dating websites and apps, trying to find a date can start to feel a little overwhelming, especially if you’re hot off a divorce. Meeting someone in real life (IRL) can be refreshing and much more meaningful. The best thing you can do is try to get out as much as possible. Spending all your free time at home, hiding behind your computer or smartphone isn’t the best way to get over a divorce. And don’t hide behind your screen when you’re out in public, either. People are much less likely to come up and start a conversation with you if you’re in your own world on your phone.

Why You Should Find a Date IRL

There seems to be an endless opportunity for dates in the online world, which is precisely the problem. The fact that there are so many options means people think they can sift through different apps until they find an ideal human they’ve conjured up in their minds. But dating apps encourage you to sit behind a screen rather than getting out there to meet new people. The problem with dating apps is that people are always thinking about the potential that the next person they come across could be better than the one they’re talking to right now. It’s often a never-ending cycle of feeling unsatisfied because of the possibility that there’s something better out there.

Getting out into the real world, you’re forced to be confident, be friendly and make meaningful connections with real people who aren’t at home scrolling through their phones waiting for the next best thing. Always make sure to smile and start a conversation with someone, even if it’s just to say hi. These small interactions will get you ready for more meaningful conversations that come your way.

If you’re ready to get back into the dating game after divorce, here are 10 of the best places to score a date IRL.

1. A Friend’s Get Together/Party

Meeting someone through a friend is one of the most popular ways to find a date. In fact, ReportLinker found that 58% of single Americans meet potential dates through friends. They’ve already got your friend’s stamp of approval, and you may be more comfortable knowing they aren’t a total stranger. When your friends throw a get-together or party, try to make it out to as many as you can and talk to as many people as you can. The more people you meet and the more you get yourself out there, the better chance you have to find a date.

2. The Gym

Do you spend lots of time at the gym? It may be a good place to find your next date. I know multiple couples who are now living together who first met at their gym. If you’re a regular at your local gym, you start to see familiar faces that spend their time there too. And you already have something in common you can chat about (fitness!). When you’re working out, your endorphins and adrenaline are already high, so it’s a good time to put yourself out there.

3. A Coffee Shop

Do you work out of office? Or enjoy spending Saturday mornings at your neighborhood coffee shop? There are likely other singles who are doing the same. Many people keep to themselves at coffee shops, but that doesn’t mean they’re totally closed off to a conversation. Test the waters. You can usually tell within the first few seconds whether someone is up for chatting or not. Start a conversation around the book they’re reading or the drink they ordered. You never know who you could meet!

4. The Dog Park

If you have a dog, take them to a dog park rather than just walking around the streets in your neighborhood. It’s so easy to strike up a conversation with another dog owner, and the fact that you’re both animal lovers can make your connection even stronger. Don’t keep to yourself at the dog park, put yourself out there and meet people. Your next date could be waiting for you.

5. Your Local Bar

It may seem cliché, but it’s still entirely possible to find a date at a bar. Just make sure you don’t get obnoxiously intoxicated before trying to find one. A drink can give you some liquid courage but stick to one or two at most if you’re trying to meet a woman. A bar with live music is always a good bet, and the band that’s playing could be the perfect starting point for a conversation.

6. A Bookstore

A bookstore is a great place to meet someone new IRL. A lot of people love browsing and spend hours on end at bookstores, and you know anyone who’s there values literature and learning, which are excellent values to hold. It’s a great way to form a connection with another book lover who you share common ground with.

7. Travel

If you have the time and money, travel as much as you can. There’s something about getting out of your own city that makes you more confident and not as scared of rejection. Obviously, the only problem with this is that you’ll have to go back home eventually. But if you’re looking to get back in the dating game with a few dates, traveling and meeting new people can be the best way to do it! Who knows, you might even happen to meet someone who’s on vacation from your hometown.

8. Join Extra-Curricular Activities

Do you like to cook? Play soccer? Sketch or paint? Join an extra-curricular activity you’ll enjoy doing on a weekly basis. It will be filled with others who have the same interest, which makes it easy to get to know people. It’s easier for some people to meet and talk to others in a group setting, so if that sounds like you, joining an extra-curricular might be your best bet!

9. Take a Class

Is there a topic you’ve always wanted to learn about? Or something you’ve always wanted to learn how to do? Take a class. You’ll get to meet a lot of like-minded people, and who knows, you could end up hitting it off with someone. You already know you have something in common and the class will give you tons of talking points to work with.

10. Don’t Be Afraid to Get Set Up

Ask your friends and family members if they have anyone in their circle that would be a good match for you. Don’t be scared to get set up on a date; it could end up being the best date you’ve ever been on. Your friends know you best and likely only hang out with people you would like, so trust them if they say they want to set you up with someone. They only have your best interests in mind, and especially since they know you just went through a divorce, they’ll only set you up with the best of the best.

Are you ready to find a date IRL? Try out some of these places and see how easy it can be when you put yourself out there!

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Divorce breaks your trust. It shatters your previously held believe how the people around you can stick with you through all the situations of life. I spent a lot of time exploring how I could regain the trust after divorce impacted my life.

When I went through it three years ago, I knew that I would be okay. It was not the end of the world as some people make it think. Society does not shun the divorced.

The challenge I had was figuring out how I could ever trust a woman again.

The strategies I discuss below come from my experiences on the path to regaining this trust. I hope you benefit from my experiences.

Five strategies to find trust after divorce

1. Take some time for yourself

Divorce is tough. I thought I could handle anything before the divorce. Whoa! Was I wrong!

I knew things were not working right for a little while. However, when my ex finally discussed the break, I admit the event jaded me more than I could imagine.

After wanting to make it work for so long, it felt like I could trust no one except my immediate family and friends. Even then the potential for others to let me down was an ever-present fear. The one person I could rely upon was me.

I needed time to internalize what happened. My first solution to trust after the divorce was to take a sabbatical from dating.

I spent the next year regaining the trust I had in myself and then in others.

I started by striking out on my own. My parents offered me a couch for a month to get back on my feet. I refused. I need my space. To prove that I could do it on my own again.

Stupid…maybe. Needed…definitely.

Next, I reconnected with old friends I had not seen in a decade or more. My favorite was the road trip up to my old college where I crashed with a friend for a weekend on their couch.

The trip reminded me of old times and brought back a lot of great memories.

Once I did that, I also started working on improving my skills. For me, I wanted to learn some new career skills.

The more I learn, the more comfortable I feel with my career. This gives me confidence in other areas of my life so that I can trust others.

2. Date for fun

Once you feel better about yourself, you want to trust others after divorce. The best way to do this is to go on a date.

Being single in your thirties is very different from being single in your twenties. When I dated in my twenties, you had dating websites. Not you have apps where you grade everyone within 2 seconds. It removes a lot of the personalization.

However, if you want to get out there, you must do it. 40 million Americans now use dating apps to find their partner. One in 10 people use them to find their next date. The big question becomes Tinder or Plenty of Fish? We could do something more local or based on similarities.

The choices are endless, and you parade through a gazillion potential matches in minutes. I might exaggerate a little, but this is what it feels like for someone who grew up in an era when the people dating online seemed a bit odd.

The first few dates were a disaster. However, that is why you go on a date with the first decent woman who swipes right for you. You need to get them out of your system.

You almost need a new woman to complain about besides the ex. Think about the new vistas of opportunity.

3. Keep Dating

Once you go on those first few dates, you get a little bit of your swagger back. You remember it really was her, and not you.

You also realize someday you can feel comfortable trusting someone again. This is what happened to me. After more dating apps than I care to discuss, I found an app that seemed like gold to me. The dating app was JSwipe. It is like the Tinder for Jews.

I went on some dates, and just as I was about to take a break, I went on one last date. We ended up talking for three hours at a coffee shop on our first date.

We are closing in on our one-year anniversary, and it reminds me that I learned I can trust after divorce.

4. The Kids

I dodged one of the biggest divorce bullets out there. I did not have kids. However, I have many friends who had kids when they divorced. It complicates things. You need someone who not only you can trust after divorce, but your kids can trust as well.

For example, one friend had a daughter. His divorce proceedings lasted five years when the mother suddenly decided in the middle of the divorce she wanted to move back to Green Bay from Chicago.

They both lived in Chicago and split custody. Challenges like this encourage couples to stay together. Over time, he also found someone he could trust. However, early attempts at this did not go so well.

If that is not possible, then it happens. Just take it slow for all sides. While you might be excited for your new squeeze to see your family, your kids might not. Make sure your kids are ready before you introduce them to a potential stepmother.

5. Learning from earlier mistakes

I told my new significant other that fear not, I plan to make a whole new category of mistakes with her. While I said it in jest, it has merit.

As Winston Churchill once said, “All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes.”

The hardest challenge is not to compare what happened before to your current situation. I know, because I constantly remind myself just because the ex did this does not mean my girlfriend will.

This means I need to approach things in a different light.

The biggest part of is you need to be open and honest with your partner to find a solution. You never have all the answers. Getting a different person’s perspective can help you sort through whatever challenges you have whether large or small.

Finally, you need to have a sense of humor about the mistakes you made in the past as well as the upcoming mistakes. Laughter is really the best medicine for solving your challenges.

Final Thoughts

Regaining your trust after a divorce does not happen overnight. However, with the right temperament, you can do it.

The strategies you use depends upon your specific situation. For example, if you had kids then you might need to use some different strategies than if you divorced without children.

Additionally, in some cases, you might want to start dating sooner rather than later. The key is that you need to be able to finish a conversation without talking about your ex.

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