Overcoming The Tyranny Of Tots

QUESTION: My problem may be my 3 1/2-year-old daughter or it may be my difficulty in handling her at this age.

She is a bright, happy, sensitive little girl who clearly feels the need to assert her independence quite often.

She insists on dressing herself, which is fine, except when she chooses totally inappropriate clothing, like a summer dress when it's 40 degrees outside. She also refuses to wear anything but dresses.

It seems we lock horns constantly over the most banal things. I cook breakfast; she wants something else to eat. She leaves pots and pans all over the kitchen, after I've told her she is responsible for them, and then will not pick them up.

I enrolled her recently in a preschool program which she loved for about six weeks and the past few days has refused to go (it meets for 2 1/2 hours, three days a week). She won't say why, just that she doesn't like it anymore. I am not an extremely strict mother by any means but I would like to know how much I should let her assert herself and how much I should stick to my guns. Our daily battles are wearing me out.

ANSWER: It's always a surprise when an agreeable 3-year-old turns into a pint-sized tyrant in just six months. But they all do.

Children come apart at this age, and some even go through a period of stuttering and stumbling before they can put themselves together again, better than ever. Expect your daughter to be a rowdy delight at 4, a bit frayed at 4 1/2, and such an angel at 5 you'll be sure you did everything right.

If you're too autocratic, you'll crush her independence and if you're too lax, you'll neglect her character. Either way, you'll lay the foundation for rebellion in the teen-age years.

A middle-of-the-road approach -- with lots of consistency -- is best.

Explain each rule to your child and the reason for it, and what will happen if it's not obeyed, but remember: If you don't bother to see if she does it, she won't bother to do it. When she obeys, she gets hugs and kisses, and when she doesn't, she gets a quiet, low-key reprimand and whatever discipline you promised.

When she doesn't pick up the pots, stop her from taking them out the next few times, because she ''didn't know how to pick them up.''

And when you finally invite her to play with them in a week or so ''because she's older,'' offer to help her put them back afterward ''so she'll know where they go.'' She'll either let you help or she'll do it herself, and either way, they'll get back in the cupboard.

School is another example. She doesn't want to go because she has begun to wonder what she's missing at home and if she's as loved as ever -- and because she has found something else to be independent about.

You sympathize and tell her you'll miss her, and that she has to go because the other children -- naming them one by one -- need her, and the teacher expects her or that she has left her doll there who has called to say she's lonely.

When she dresses herself -- and she should -- expect her to wear what she pleases and for it to be different from the clothes that please you. This is a mild enough rebellion. It won't hurt your child to wear dresses and it won't be as much trouble if you keep the summer dresses and party clothes out of reach.

Breakfast is handled with limited choices too -- or let her fix it herself, which will make her like it better. She's old enough to stand by you to turn the French toast in the skillet or to empty a little pitcher of berries on her cereal. Other mid-3s do better with the old ''Let's eat breakfast quickly so we can get to the library for story hour.''

High expectations help, too, and so does a lighter touch. If you don't take your little girl's complaints so seriously, she won't make so many of them.