The 5 Stages Of Cancelling Plans

UPDATED

Why do people make plans or accept invitations, only to cancel them at the last minute? It’s so annoying!

This question has vexed me for years, largely because I’m one of those annoying plan cancellers.

I’ve bought expensive tickets for events I was hugely excited to attend, RSVPd yes to parties where I’d get to see beloved friends, even been the organiser for get-togethers of favourite people.

But as the date approached I’d get sick, or manifest some other (genuine) emergency, or give away my ticket, or, if no-one else was affected, simply not turn up.

Only recently have I worked out what’s going on, and identified the stages I go through as I make and eventually break plans. So I thought I’d share my little insights in the hope that they save you some personal drama.

The Introvert’s 5 Stages Of Cancelling Plans

Stage 1: Commitment.

Recently a friend invited me to his birthday dinner.

‘Let me know where and I’ll be there.’ I texted back, upbeat and confident that I’d follow through on this simple and apparently pleasant thing.

But it was the start of a cycle I’d experienced many times before. A more observant person would have recognised the warm-up to this familiar dance.

Not I. I would be quickstepping mindlessly for ages before recognising the moves.

The problem, as I’ve now come to realise, is that Future Me is an extravert. Future Me accepts invitations with gay abandon. Future Me suggests get-togethers when flush with affection for her friends.

Future Me is genuinely excited by the prospect of these outings. She cannot imagine any change of mind. Her desire to go is unequivocal. The further in the future, the more delightful the picture she plays in her mind. Heads thrown back in laughter, backs slapped. Happiness.

Of course Future Me never consults with Present Me, the one who must actually turn up. And Present Me is an extreme introvert.

As time passes and Present Me starts to emerge, things take a turn.

Stage 2: Seeking Reassurance About The Event

Once Present Me rears her head, there is often an attempt to gather more information.

Questions of guest list and location are asked, in an effort to lock down the style of the event and begin mental preparation.

Where will it take place? Who will be there? How many people? How many strangers? How crowded, how noisy, how likely the need for small talk?

It’s important to rule out some of the more alarming possibilities. Phrases that instantly raise the introvert’s blood pressure include communal restaurant tables and organised group activities.

If the guest list is small and the venue conducive to genuine and stimulating conversation, then the introvert is reassured. At this stage they may exit the Cancel cycle and proceed to actually attend the event.

But if the venue is large or conversation with over-friendly strangers likely or if noise will limit conversation to small talk then the introvert will become skittish.

At this point they may start to entertain fantasies of requiring surgery or being conscripted to top secret government work in order to have to stay home.

There is now a gradual coming to grips with the reality of the event, and a transition to the next stage.

Stage 3: Mild Panic

As the introvert enters this stage they will seek evidence that the event may not be proceeding.

Often they’ll use overcompensating joviality oran excess of punctuation and/or emoji in an attempt to hide the subterfuge. They might text:

Hey are you excited about your party?!? 🙂

In fact this is a veiled attempt to find out if there’s any chance the event will be cancelled. They’re hoping to trigger a response along the lines of:

Actually I’ve had to cancel because [some benign reason].

The now slightly desperate introvert may even hope their message will subliminally manipulate the organiser to cancel the event:

Now that I think of it, it’s probably a dumb idea to have a dinner for my birthday and invite all my friends. Your jovial enquiry has made me see the light. I shall cancel at once.

If notifications of cancellation are not forthcoming, then the introvert will shift into the next phase.

This transition is often swift and violent.

Stage 4: Blind Terror and Frantic Attempts At Escape

At this point the introvert will resemble a deer caught in headlights. Immobilised, terrified, having no idea where to run.

They will see their situation clearly for the first time. The reality will dawn that they are well and truly cornered. Not only did they commit wholeheartedly to the occasion at the start, but they’ve now further trapped themselves by showing great anticipation.

2. Fess Up

This has taken a lot of personal growth, as I haven’t always had the clarity to understand what was going on for me, or the courage to be honest about it.

But I have very cool friends. Invariably, once I’ve plucked up my courage, crafted my explanation, parsed my explanatory text through a couple of beta readers, and sent my message, the response is warm and understanding.

Stage 5: Cancellation And Relief

The final stage of cancelling plans for the introvert is sheer, beautiful relief. Usually celebrated with the psychological equivalent of a magnum of champagne: an evening of carefully curated Netflix viewing. Possibly while drinking an actual magnum of champagne.

Recognising the cycle of making plans, panicking, and cancelling plans has been life-changing for me.

A major turning point was a Christmas event I went to a few years ago. A number of my friends were going to be there, so I RSVPd yes! and bought a fab dress and purchased my ticket.

The closer it got, the more dread I felt, but I focussed on the fact that I’d see my lovely friends.

Once I got there though, I found a loud, crowded venue. It was impossible to have a conversation – at least for me. I had to yell, which I hate, and I said ‘pardon’ so many times that eventually I just gave up and started nodding periodically, having no idea what I was agreeing with.

After about twenty minutes I couldn’t take it any more. I snuck out, found a taxi, got the driver to stop at KFC, messaged Craig to say I was miserable and coming home with a bucket of chicken. As I cradled my bucket and inhaled the secret herbs and spices in the taxi, I realised, this is who I am. I don’t like disappointing people but I just can’t be different and it’s so exhausting to try.

I still occasionally fall into to the trap of letting that socially promiscuous trollop Future Me commit me to too many or too large engagements, or too many of them too close together. As I did recently with my friend’s birthday dinner.

But my friends are pretty cool, and it’s usually no surprise to them when I pull out.

And then we make a smaller, more intimate date.

And those I always keep.

Addendum: Should There Be A Stage 6?

When I look back on this pattern, I feel guilt is suffused through every stage from 2 onwards. It’s part of the anguish of the entire cycle.

But when I recently shared this article on Facebook, many people suggested there should be a separate Stage 6: Guilt.

35 Comments

Wow this is so me as well. Especially the get sick part. I really get sick. Same as you, I get symptoms of the flu, hay fever, body aches, etc.

The only difference of you and I is that instead of a future me, I have the “event in my head” event. Once I accept an invitation, make plans for an exciting trip, or plan a group event, I live the entire experience in my head right after. All the conversations, the sight seeing, the emotions of seeing a new place, the fun…. Alas, right after comes regret and exhaustion, because I am not stuck in Groundhog Day anticipating the fact I am going to have to do everything all over again, but knowing the reality will not live up to what happened in my head. It is really annoying, especially with trips. I am already used to not wanting to go to social events.

Wow Ana, it really makes me wonder if you’re a frustrated storyteller. Do you ever think of writing short stories? It sounds like there’s some narrative energy bubbling inside you, especially the way you talk of living the conversations and emotions. Just a thought! 🙂

PS It’s funny Ana, I just had a similar conversation with someone on the Louder Minds Facebook page!

[…] people-ness of work. For turning down invitations or staying home at the weekend. For cancelling plans when I felt all peopled-out and incapable of putting on the mask and doing the being-with-people […]

I have an event to go to tonight. I know that when I say yes to these things it’s like I’m trying to give future me the courage to do something amazing and exciting.

Its not a noisy party. Its a bonfire on a property and it’s tonight. Between my initial yes and tonight a wall of fear develops. But I know I have been determined to push through sometimes and I have had a great time.

Sometimes we have to respect our introvert boundaries and sometimes we need to push through. Its all about the right event as well. I hate parties but I love gatherings like tonight!

SorrY- or not. As someone who loves to have events (dinners, parties, lunches, drinks) I am taking someone at their word that they will come if they say they will. If 10 people say they will come- I shop and prepare for 10 people so that they will have a good time. When 5 introverts decide that their “future me” doesn’t coincide with the feelings of their “present me”- all well and good for you. What about the host who has put so much effort into the event? Say no from the beginning or getcher butt out there. It’s not always about you.

Hi Marney. I think people who struggle with overcommitting themselves socially are well aware it’s not about them – that’s why they feel so much guilt and anguish. But – and here’s the real issue – they may not be AWARE of the PATTERN of overcommitting. I wasn’t, until someone else pointed out that I always got sick before parties. The point of my article is to help people to see this pattern, precisely so they can do as you say: decline graciously from the start or else commit only to what they can follow through.

Is this introversion or agoraphobia, or both? I’ve been diagnosed with agoraphobia and the MBTI says I’m a solid introvert. But an outgoing introvert – I love being with people but it absolutely drains me. The agoraphobic panic at new crowded places is real though, as is the relief when “Nope!” happens.

Hi Bryan. You may be both! I would definitely listen to your medical professional over the MBTI, which is great fun, but doesn’t have the same validity or reliability as the tools used by medical and psychological professionals. Cheers to you too!

Your article just helped me understand my duality and how these two traits of introvert and extrovert collide when forced to choose. I also made peace (just now) with a friend who constantly backed out of dinners, vacation plans, etc. Your article just solved a menagerie of complicated behaviors both in myself and my friend. I now have labels, definitions, and unstanding for the whys? Thank you!

Guilt, our own little self pity, masochistic punishment, is so damaging. I think it keeps a person locked down in a self defeating cycle of introversion that one may otherwise break free from, at least more often. It should be recognized in the process for sure. You obviously already have some thoughts around this guilt process … You have me curious.

Also some of us run a guilt cycle full throttle prior to the event and end up making the commitment a life or death thing, sacrificing unnecessarily to get to the event and forcing ourselves to enjoy. …. I can’t get sick so easily.

I am such a champion at this. My manifestations have included a brain haemorrhage to get out of a 12-year relationship I had been unhappy in for 11.5 years, a week in hospital with pneumonia to get out of packing to move house and, more recently, another week in hospital with extreme shingles because I was unwilling to face the fact that I did not want to make the move I had planned from country to seaside.
There’s got to be a better way to work out what real me, rather than fantasy me, really wants. ?

The universe has a way of stepping in sometimes. Just as I had relaxed back into life in my country home, I had a call from the agents to tell me the house was being sold.
So, I’m heading back to the seaside, but this time with enthusiasm rather than dread.
I think this is principally due to my decision to sell a painting that I’m not in love with and to hire removalists with the proceeds.
This was, I think, the root of the problem. Twenty years ago I could have done it myself without thinking about it. Now it’s just TOO DAMN HARD!
I’m working on listening to that little inner voice. Sometimes it has worthwhile things to say.

wow……this is me to a T.
I have done the exact same thing over and over again over the years and reading your article made it so clear what I was doing the ‘future’ me thing always planning and acting excited …then the dread came as the even came closer.
Gosh it’s so good to know i’m not the only one that feels and felt that way through out my life.
thank you

I am comforted to see that so many other people trap themselves this way.

There is definitely a guilt stage, and for me it’s the worst part.

I have noticed that not everyone is as understanding as your friends when I constantly decline or postpone invitations. Some of my friends get quite insulted, which then leads me to cave in and agree to meet up. Then I send them an SMS at the last possible moment saying I can’t make it. Result = irate friend or estrangement.

Now that I have read this I will let my friends know what’s going on, this will help refine my friends list I expect.

Michelle, I want to write like you! OMGosh, you described me perfectly! There are times that I laugh, not because something is funny, because I’m nervous…this article was so true for me that I have been constantly covering my face, laughing, feeling embarassed (and I am alone)…uncomfortably true for me.

Oh Debbie, I did that face-covering too, for years and years, until it finally sank in! Eventually I did get past feeling embarrassed and now I’m so much happier knowing myself and what I’m capable of. Hopefully you can make some good changes now too. 🙂

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