Brennan: "I'm not gonna call him dad."Nancy Huff (Mary Steenburgen): "Brennan, you're 39 years old. I would not expect you to call him Dad."Brennan: "Well, I'm not going to, ever, even if there's a fire! Robert better not get in my face... because I'll drop that motherbleeper"

Dale Doback (John C. Reilly): "Dad, we're men, okay? That means a few things. We like to shit with tho door open. We talk about pussy. We go on riverboat-gambling trips. We make our own beef jerky. That's what we do. And now that is all wrecked."Dr. Robert Doback (Richard Jenkins): "We literally have never done any of those things."

Brennan: "Where did he go to medical school?"Nancy: "He went to Northwestern an Johns Hopkins. Is that good enough for you?"Brennan: "No, it's not."Nancy: "Well, Brennan, those are very prestigious schools."Brennan: "I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins."Nancy: "You don't know anyone named Johnny Hopkins."Brennan: "It was Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering and they were blazing that shit up every day."

Dale: "Alright, here's a scenario for you, Dad. Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good. I've got a luscious V of hair going from my chest pubes down to my ball-fro. And she takes one look at me, and she goes: 'Oh, my god. I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf.' And she grabs me by the wiener..."Robert: "Shut the bleep up!"

Nancy: "Hi, Dale."Dale: "Hey, Nancy. Could you make me a grilled-cheese sandwich?"Nancy: "Sure."Robert: "No. Dale just ate. He's testing you to see how much he can get away with?"Nancy: "I see."Dale: "I'm hungry."Robert: "Look in your right hand. (He has a donut in his right hand)"

Nancy: "Dale was telling me that he's really into kung fu and I was telling him that you're really into kung fu as well."Brennan: "I have a green belt. Read it and weep."Dale: "I don't believe in belts. There should be no ranking system for toughness. But one time I wrestled a giraffe to the ground with by bare hands."Robert: "That's not true, Dale. Don't be ridiculous."

Dale: "I can sing too. In fact I'll sing right now. (singing) If you wanna get down on these hairy balls..."Robert: "Hey."Dale: "...Why don't you jump right in?..."Robert: "Hey!"Dale: "...It's a crotch party right up in here..."Robert: "Stop it!"Dale: "...Why don't you lick on this big joint?"Robert: "Stop it, Dale! Stop it! Stop it!"

Dale: "If there's any foods that you like, I suggest you put your name on them, or they will be thrown out... by me. Uh, house was built in 1825 by General Custer. I wanna show you this room. Um, hold up. Ho, ho! You see this room?"Brennan: "Yeah."Dale: "Okay, here's the deal. This is my office and my beat laboratory. Okay? And this is the one rule of the house: Don't ever, ever, ever... touch my drum set. You understand?"Brennan: "Don't go in there and..."Dale: "No touching!"Brennan: "Alright!"Dale: "There. I was about six there. You don't want to see me go to ten. Get your shit. We're going to my room."

Dale: "You and your mom are hillbillies. This is a house of learned doctors."Brennan: "You're not a doctor. You're a big, fat, curly-headed bleep."Dale: "Oh, yeah?"Brennan: "Yeah."Dale: "I'm a curly-headed bleep?"Brennan: "Yeah. You better not go to sleep. As soon as your eyes shut, I'm gonna punch you square in the face."Dale: "I hope you stay still when you sleep, because I'm putting a rat trap between your legs."Brennan: "I'm gonna take a pillowcase and fill it full of bars of soap and beat the shit out of you."Dale: "I want you out of my bleeping house."Brennan: "No way, kemosabe, this is my house now."

Dale: "Hey, man. Did you touch my drum set?"Brennan: "Nope."Dale: "It's just weird 'cause seems like someone definitely touched my drum set."Brennan: "Yeah, that is weird. Because I didn't touch 'em."Dale: "Hey! Did you touch my drum set?!"Brennan: "Hey, knock it off!"Dale: "I know you touched my drumstick, because the left one has a chip in it."Brennan: "You bleeping crazy, man? You sound insane, do you realize that? You should be medicated."Dale: "Bleep you , Brennan. I know you touched my drum set. And I wanna hear that dirty little mouth admit it."Brennan: "You get out of my face, or I'm gonna roundhouse your ass."Dale: "You swear on your mom's life that you didn't touch it then!"Brennan: "I don't have to swear to shit!"Dale: "That's 'cause you bleeping touched my drum set, 'cause I know Cops doesn't start till 4. Where you going?"Brennan: "I'm going upstairs. Because I'm gonna put my nut sack on your drum set. Okay?"Dale: "Don't do that. I am warning you right now: If you touch my drums, I will stab you in the neck with a knife!"

Dale: "Where you going?"Brennan: "I'm going upstairs. Because I'm gonna put my nut sack on your drum set. Okay?"Dale: "Don't do that. I am warning you right now: If you touch my drums, I will stab you in the neck with a knife!"

Nancy: "Today I saw my own son use a bicycle as a weapon. You yelled 'rape' at the top of your lungs."Brennan: "Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, 'Let's get it on.'"Dale: "That was about the fighting. I am so not a raper."

Alice Huff (Kathryn Hahn): "Hi, I'm Alice, I'm Derek's wife."Dale: "Hi."Alice: "Uh, is it true that you struck Derek in the face and he fell from the tree house?"Dale: "Yeah. He asked me to."Alice: "Oh, that's the most amazing thing I've ever heard. Um, I want you to know that tonight am gonna pleasure myself to the image of you doing that to Derek. You know what I mean? Masturbate. I am."

Alice: "Oh, Dale. You are something. You are something."Dale: "You're something too."Alice: "I wanna roll you up into a little ball and shove you up my vagina. You could just live there. It's warm and it's cozy."Dale: "In your vagina?"Alice: "I wanna walk around with you in there and just know that whenever I feel a little tickle or scratch that it's just your hair up my vagina. Please, just do it for me."Dale: "What's happening?"

Dale: "Whoa."Brennan: "See that black smudge right there on the blade?"Dale: "Yeah."Brennan: "Look at it closely. Pretty recognizable signature."Dale: "No."Brennan: "Randy Jackson from American Idol."Dale: "Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial-arts weapon?"Brennan: "'Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword and you're not gonna not get Randy Jackson's autograph, Right?"Dale: "I would've done the exact same thing."

Dale: "Let's play a game, alright? On the count of three, name your favorite dinosaur. Don't even think about it, just name it. Ready? One, two three..."Both: "Velociraptor."Brennan: "Favorite non-pornographic magazine to masturbate to."Both: "Good Housekeeping."Brennan: "If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with?"Both: "John Stamos."Dale: "What?!"Brennan: "Did we just become best friends?"Dale: "Yep!"Brennan: "Do you wanna go do karate in the garage?"Dale: "Yup!"

Brennan: "Is this a bad time?"Robert: "What the hell's going on?"Brennan: "Mom, Mr. Doback, okay, Dale and I were just---"Robert: "Please stop calling me Mr. Doback. Okay?"Brennan: "Sorry. Okay, Mom, Doback... We think it would be very prudent--"Dale: "Can we turn our beds into bunk beds? "Brennan: "Yes."Nancy: "Why are you guys so sweaty?"Dale: "Alright, we've already figured out how. The beds match up perfectly."Brennan: "And here's the thing. It'll give us so much extra space in our room to do activities."Dale: "Please say yes."Robert: "You don't need permission from us to build bunk beds. You're adults. You can do what you want."Dale: "So...?"Robert: "I'm not making myself clear. I don't give a bleep. Now, you both have several interviews tomorrow. I would think you'd be focused on that and not building bunk beds."Dale and Bnennan: "So...?"Brennan: "We can? No?"Nancy: "Yes."Brennan: "Sweet!"Nancy: "Yes, you can build bunk beds."Dale: "I knew it."Brennan: "Okay. You are not gonna regret this. We're gonna get so much more activities done."Dale: "This is the funnest night ever! Huh, ha, ha!"Brennan: "Huh, huh, ha!"

Interviewer: "Mr. Huff, under your references, you listed Dale Doback. Which I know is this gentlemean, but you also listed 'Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.'"Brennan: "Yeah."Interviewer: "Okay, we are looking for people we can contact."

Male Therapist (Ian Roberts): "Dale, I don't know how much you know about therapy but it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself."Dale: "I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I'm smarter than most of the people that go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard, like half an equation, and I'll just figure it out."Male Therapist: "Is this Good Will Hunting?"Dale: "No."Male Therapist: "It sounds a lot like the plot of Good Will Hunting."Dale: "Yeah, anyway. My best friend is Ben Affleck..."

Therapist Denise (Andre Savage): "So I thought we'd begin talking about your parents' divorce."Brennan: "Okay."Denise: "How old were you when they got divorced?"Brennan: "Fifteen."Denise: "That's a hard age."Brennan: "Yes. Yeah."Denise: "Do you wanna talk about some of those feelings?"Brennan: "I love you."Denise: "Obviously you don't know me."Brennan: "I love you so much."Denise: "Thank you. And I will take that as a feeling that you have of comfortability with me."Brennan: "It's more than comfortability. I mean, I bleeping love you."Denise: "Okay. I th--"Brennan: "I'm just thinking about our life together. I feel like I'm walking on a cloud. My penis is tingling right now."Denise: "That is so off-putting."Brennan: "You're not feeling this?"Denise: "In no way, shape or form, do I feel any feelings of intimacy towards you in any way whatsoever."

Robert: "You jagaloons! You're failures! Failures!"Brennan: "Hey, you're embarassing yourself, you geriatric bleep!"Nancy "Brennan."Brennan: "Two things: You keep your liver-spotted hands off my beautiful mother. She's a saint! And then you sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000."Nancy: "Oh, stop it. Stop it right--"Brennan: "Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass..."Nancy: "Brennan!"Brennan: "...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!"

Brennan: "You sit down and you write Dale and Brennan a check for $10,000."Nancy: "Oh, stop it. Stop it right--"Brennan: "Or I'm gonna shove one of those fake hearing devices so far up your ass..."Nancy: "Brennan!"Brennan: "...you can hear the sound of your small intestine as it produces shit!"

Nancy: "Oh, and, Brennan? Denise called and said she can't go out with you on New Year's Eve because she's not your girlfriend, she's your therapist."Brennan: "Is' that what she said?"Nancy: "Yeah."Brennan: "She's a rascal."

Brennan: "What is this? What's happening?"Nancy: "What Robert is trying to say is that we are getting a divorce."Brennan: "Don't do this."Dale: "No, no!"Derek: "I gotta say, I could've called this one."Dale: "No."Derek: "Yeah."Brennan: "Is it our fault?"Dale: "Is it 'cause we were bad?"Nancy: "Now-- Now, The main thing that Robert and I talked about is that we did not want you two to blame yourselves."Dale: "What can we do to fix it?"

Dale: "Look, I'm gonna be honest with you. I really need a job. And I will take any position, as long as it doesn't involve having sex with old ladies for money or bear traps. Those are my two bugaboos."

Randy (Rob Riggle): "Goddamnit, I don't know what it is about your face, but I wanna deliver one of these right in your suck hole."Brennan: "Is there anything I can do to work on that?"Randy: "No, not really. It's your face. And I, again, you know, you're doing great, man. This is the Catalina Wine Mixer. We're all having a great time. Everybody's having fun. You pulled it off. Alright? But if you don't change your face, I'm gonna change it for you."Brennan: "Okay, okay. All I can do is take that in, consider it, and I'll just try to do my best version of whatever I think that would be."Randy: "I-- I don't even hear what you're saying right now, 'cause your face is driving me nuts."Brennan: "Okay. Thanks again, though."

Dale: "What do you think, Brennan?"Brennan: "I'm so scared right now. I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna do what's sensible: I'm gonna file for unemployment and I'm gonna try to get a job at Enterprise Rent-A-Car. Because they got an excellent corporate structure and they, they give you the tools to be your own boss."

Derek: "Look, I'm not great at this Hallmark stuff but, uh, Brennan, when I look at you now, I don't wanna kick you in the head quite as much."Brennan: "Thanks, man."Nancy: "That was beautiful."Robert: "That was nice."Derek: "Yeah. What do we do now?"Brennan: "We could hug."Derek: "Yeah, you'd like that, faggot! Sorry, I'm--"

Brennan: "Robert, Mom, Derek, this is my girlfrend, Denise."Robert: "Oh, hi, how are you?"Denise: "Uh, actually I'm his therapist. We are in absolutely no way dating."Derek: "Right."Denise: "Brennan told me he was going to hurl his body off a helicopter into shark infested waters so I had a legal obligation to be here."Nancy: "I get it. You don't wanna appear too eager, an that's a good strategy too."Robert: "I like it."Denise: "You are an enabler. You think you are helping but you're not."Nancy: "And you are a keeper!"

Brennan: "What'd you think?"Denise: "Brennan, I thought you were incredibly brave. And I mean that in strictly the most clinical and professional sense possible with no emotional, intimate, sexual or any other undertones that you could possibly infer."Brennan: "God, you're gonna make me cry. What poem is that from? Is that James Joyce?"

Dale: "Alice, I like making sex with you. I do. But you're also married. It's over."Alice: "This is crazy. I'm a mother. I have two children, I have a husband..."Dale: "Okay."Alice: "...a beautiful home. I can't be bleeping around with you."Dale: "Yeah, no, it was fun. It was fun, right?"Alice: "It was fun while it lasted."Dale: "I'm glad. Alright, well, good luck. (She starts crying) No."Alice: "Oh, my god, Dale! Please don't leave me!"Dale: "Oh, my god. Look at that whale."Alice: "Where? (He runs away while she's distracted) Dale!"

Brennan and Dale: "Pirate hats!"Derek: "Whoa."Brennan and Dale: "Hustlers!"Dale: "Dad, that was so thoughtful!"Brennan and Dale: "Crossbows!"Brennan: "You guys finally came to your senses and got us something cool."Denise: "You both know this is completely bleeped up, right?"Robert: "Yeah."Nancy: "Of course."Denise: "But Brennan sure can wear the shit out of that pirate hat."

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