A raw and brutally honest look at me - who I am, who I want to be, and how I am trying to get there. If you are easily offended, or have easily offended sensibilities, beware. This isn't the blog for you.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Packt Like Sardines in a Crushd Tin Box

"After years of waiting
After years of waiting nothing came
And you realise you're looking,
Looking in the wrong place"

(Thom Yorke - Radiohead)

Honestly I wish I could tell you that the following ramble was the product of Vicodin but the truth is the only thing I've taken for the pain has been Advil and truthfully the last time I took the Advil was last night so no excuses. Though I AM drinking a day old fruit smoothie so maybe that's what's doing it.

I'm just feeling off today. Like nothing fits quite right. It's not the pain/discomfort from the tooth. It's not any one particular thing which has happened in this world or the blog one. It's not the Darkness. Neither is it my dear frenemy, the Mistress of Misfortune.

It's just the blahs. It's just the knowledge that no matter what, there are so many things outside of our control that sometimes it doesn't even seem worth it.

Ask the parents of the 9 year old kid from Borough Park who was allowed to walk home for the first time alone only to get taken and killed.

Ask the moron (me) who tried to make a situation better and ended up wholeheartedly fucking it up (and losing a blog friend in the process).

Ask my best friend who officially told me she can't come on our blowout end of the summer trip upstate in August because she's secretly undergone so many blood transfusions these last few months for internal bleeding (thank you, cancer!!) that shes almost a permanent guest at the hospital a few hours a week.

Ask the people who have emailed me since I have started this little journal revealing their own doubts and their own feelings of not having a true place in this world in general and their religion specifically.

Ask even those who think they have all the answers but in reality they have no fucking clue.

Ask them all, they will tell you. We cannot control anything. We cannot control the harsh words, the harsh positions. We can't help other see who we really are, and even if we can, we can never get them to really accept us. We can change, sure we can change who we are in order to fit in. We can make external sacrifice and even, despairs, internally change.

Or we can ignore. We can pretend we don't have doubts. We can push the doubts so deep down that they hardly ever surface and when they do, well we just ignore them, thank you very much. After all, I have to prepare for the next shabbos/holiday/bar/bat mitzvah/wedding so there's no time to wonder as to why the fuck I'm doing any of this anyway.

We all live in some form of community. Some communities accept everyone. Others shun anyone different. Still others keep their different totally out of public view.

Sometimes we need to form our own communities. Isn't that what this Blogging is about to some extent? Isn't the place where those using this form of self expression come to bond?

I say fuck it, we are here aren't we? We are getting by. Whatever our problems, whatever our coping mechanisms, we are getting by. No one can take that away from us. Not those who cluck their tongues at us or the ones who make their nasty comments. Sticks and stones. Every strike that doesn't kills us makes us stronger. We are all tough as nails. We are the battle hardened. Who better than us to survive? No one, that's who.