Quarantine Partners: How to Avoid Breaking Up During Stressful Times

Posted by Madison Gaudry-Routledge on April 1, 2020

Imagine this: It’s 2020 —spring has finally sprung. You just moved in with your partner after less than six months of dating. A global pandemic breaks out — you and your partner are quarantined together for the foreseeable future. You live in a 500 square foot box. This is life now.

While we’re seeing memes joking about couples being “forced” to spend all their time together, divorce rates in China have skyrocketed from exactly that. According to local news reports in south-western China, couples are splitting after too much time together during quarantine. “Young people spend a lot of time at home. They tend to get into heated arguments because of something petty and rush into getting a divorce,” Lu Shijun, manager of a marriage registry in Dazhou, told local news.

Breakups are no fun. But how can you avoid them when you’re confined to such limited space, your daily routine has gone out the window, your gel nails have grown out and there seems to be no end in sight? We reached out to love and sex expert, Jess O’Reilly, PhD., for help with how to keep things chill with your significant other when tensions are at a (unprecedented) high. Spoiler alert: A lot of it has to do with caring for yourself right now and keeping stress levels low.

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Maintain your other relationships

If you’re currently living with a partner, there is a good chance you may be seeing them more often than you’re used to because, you know, quarantine. This does not mean you should be spending all of your time together. According to Dr. Jess O’Reilly, maintaining your other relationships is crucial. “Some couples feel like they need to spend every minute together and you really don’t, nor should you,” she says. We’re fortunate enough to live in a time where most of us are able to stay connected to others via the internet. So make sure you make time for the other people in your life right now. Group video chats have been saving my soul and I highly recommend them. Bonus points if you include alcohol.

Practice mindfulness (seriously just try it)

Dr. Jess recommends taking one minute, either in the morning, during your shower, or before bed to practice visual breathing. “Some people visualize a body of water, some people visualize a balloon or a cloud. Whatever it may be, try to tune into your breath and be in the moment,” suggests Dr. Jess Mindful practices extend far beyond the physical and into the cognitive and eventually…into sex! Love that for us.

Structure your days

Many of us are still adjusting to our new reality. Whether you’re working from home or not working at all, one thing is certain — change can be hard. As we all struggle to restore a sense of routine in our lives, it is now more important than ever to plan your time. Dr. Jess suggests separating your days into buckets depending on your priorities and lifestyle. She suggests several key buckets to focus on: Mental health, physical health, home, relationship, friendships and work. By implementing an element of organization to your life, you are not only taking care of yourself, but you’re staying busy as well, which should help ease some of the tension of quarantine life.

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Forgive and forget

We are all dealing with heightened feelings of stress and anxiety right now — who can blame us? Keep in mind that you might find yourself overreacting during this time. As Dr. Jess notes, a lot of this has to do with grief and sadness. “Often, people associate grief with death, but it is actually very normal to grieve change, whether that be a job loss, a consistent schedule, weekly dinners with the family, etc. This grief can impact our cognitive functioning and emotional processing,” she says. Although we want to be our most fabulous selves, our ability to do so right now might be compromised.

Expert pro-tip:

Dr. Jess advises to go easy on your partner right now. This doesn’t mean that you should accept being treated poorly and abuse is never OK. This is more about letting the small things go and moving forward. We have bigger things to worry about — like my split ends.

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Keep date night alive

Just because you can’t go out right now does not mean you should skip date night. For some more introverted people, most of your date nights might consist of staying home anyways. But if you thrive on going out, you’ll just have to be more creative. Our expert stresses the importance of having fun and keeping things super light right now. “Daydream about the next trip you want to take and plan it out — don’t worry so much — just try to enjoy one another and have a good time,” she says. Personally, I’ve been obsessing about building a pillow fort with my partner for the past two weeks and I’m still waiting for them to get the hint and build it for me and then casually surprise me with something cute, like some tacos and maybe some diamonds. I don’t know. Whatever. I’m chill.

Take some space

There is undoubtedly a lot of uncertainty in the world right now and this can spark feelings of fear. As Dr.Jess points out, a lot of the fighting between couples right now is intensified by this fear. When emotions boil over and we find ourselves in a fight, our expert recommends taking some space from your partner and asking yourself three key questions: 1) What do you want to get out of this fight? 2) What can you do to create the outcome you want? 3) What am I asking of my partner at this time? Run yourself a bath, put on an episode of The Real Housewives and see if you’re still irritated after an hour has passed. You will most likely be able to revisit the conversation more calmly. As our expert warns, this is a particularly dangerous time for those who may be in abusive relationships. Be sure to check in on your friends and keep in mind that their messages are likely being read.

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Have better, slower sex

Now is the time to have better sex. This does not necessarily mean more sex — although it can. “Most couples who complain that they do not have enough sex claim it’s due to a lack of time,” says Dr. Jess. Well good news for you folks — your social calendar is now clear! You literally have all the time in the world. According to our expert, a lot of people believe that “performance” is what makes you great in bed, but really, the key to being a great lover is being present. She suggests finding more mindful ways to receive and give pleasure to your partner that aren’t “classically” sexual such as caressing their hand for a few minutes before bed, or rubbing their earlobes. You may find yourself laughing at first, but trust me there is nothing funny about a full-body orgasm.

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Let go of expectations

Does anyone else feel immense pressure to be productive right now? Like no Susan, I am not going to reorganize my pantry today — I have television to watch. Many of us are looking at this time to revolutionize our lives and it’s really not necessary. As Dr. Jess cautions, we really should not be putting this kind of pressure on ourselves. However, if you feel your stress levels are relatively low, or if organizing helps you cope, then by all means go off — just don’t feel like you have to be your most productive self. The same goes for your appearance. While doing our hair, makeup and putting on a cute outfit can make some of us feel confident, some of us might feel perfectly good — and dare we say, sexy — with our sweatpants, hair tied ,chilling with no makeup on. Drake fans know. The point is, we’re all different and there is no “right” way to be. Do what feels good to you and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about it! *hair toss*

Divide household tasks

You may have had a particular way of doing things with your partner pre-quarantine but now, your household might be functioning a little differently. Someone might not be working temporarily, someone might have lost a job for good, whatever the case, it’s important to discuss and manage household tasks. Remember, just because you may not be getting paid, it’s still work. According to Dr. Jess, it’s important to check gender privilege during conversations of household labour. “Even amongst millennials who hold equal, egalitarian views, data suggests that women tend to do more of the unpaid, domestic labour and this only increases after a child is born.” No thanks. Have a conversation and find out what works best for both of you during this time.

Discuss finances…and breathe

Discussing money may not seem like the sexiest activity to do with your partner, but it is necessary — especially if you’re living together and sharing expenses. With jobs being lost and more and more people being laid off every day, incomes will likely be impacted. This doesn’t mean panic. Sit down with your partner and reevaluate your finances. As Dr. Jess notes, the way we respond to conversations about money tends to relate back to how we were raised in regards to it growing up. Be honest and allow yourself to feel vulnerable. After all you’re in this mess together and you can both take some comfort in that!