Saturday, 17 December 2016

The List

Krampus isn’t such a bad guy to work for;
but he can be a real dick when he’s in the mood for it. I don’t get to see him
much, except around the time of Thanksgiving – when we start compiling the ‘Naughty
& Nice’ lists for Santa; and even then he’s a slob of a creature and gets
me to do most of the work.

After the institution screw-up, where he was
supposed to pick me up at the Arctic Circle and didn’t, I was left at a huge,
dark house by the psychiatric hospital staff who didn’t like it when I turned
to them, looked them up and down and told them, “You’re on the Nice List this
year.”

It only made them drive faster and avoid eye
contact.

And instead of making Krampus sign for me to
be my guardian, they just dumped me out at the footpath and took off. It was
dusk and they didn’t want to stick around any longer than they needed to in the
dank dark backwoods area of town. Turning towards the house, I found it didn’t
appear all that nice – but then when you think of it, Krampus wasn’t a nice
character either.

Before I could knock on the door, he yanked
it open, “What! Oh it’s you.”

“Krampus...” then I remembered where I had
seen him from, “I remember meeting you now.”

“Where from?” he opened the door wider, “Get
in here if you’re going to yap about our past.”

“You played a joke on Santa a few years ago,
with the milk while he was... I think... jeez... I don’t remember his name now.”

“You ate too much of the sugary crap in the
North Pole, didn’t you?” he grumbled, “They don’t have normal food there, and
poison you every time you eat.” He walked to his huge kitchen and opened the
fridge where I spotted real food; something I hadn’t seen in so long! He grabbed
a bowl of grapes out of the bottom of the fridge and put them on the table, “Eat
something healthy, I can smell the sugar on your breath – even if you haven’t
eaten it in a few months.” He turned away and poured himself a huge mug of
coffee, “It disgusts me that you’ve had your memory repressed by that horrible
man. I’d never do that to you. And I’d never lie to you about anything.”

I sat at the table and grabbed a small bunch
of grapes, “Thank you.”

He gave me a sideways glare as he drank his
coffee, “There’s more food around the kitchen – I don’t eat much because Human
food is always too weird for me to digest. So, any food you find around the
place? Assume it’s for you, okay? And learn to cook, because I’m not cooking
you any fuckin’ feasts.”

I accidentally swallowed a grape whole
before I answered, “Okay.”

“There’s some ... oh jeez... cookbooks over
there.” He waved towards the large sideboard, “You’ll find all you’ll need here
in the kitchen... if you need anything – foodwise – tell me. I’ll get it in.”

“My sleeping quarters?”

He grunted as he finished off his coffee, “Will
be better than where you lived ... and if you get sick, which I doubt you will,
a human doctor will come here and I’ll vanish from sight.” He dumped his mug on
the sink, “You’ll be responsible for keeping this kitchen clean as well. Come
on, you have your own part of this house to yourself. I have a couple of rooms,
but don’t disturb me between January and October unless the place is burning to
the ground.”

I followed him through the large living
room, down the hall to the right and up a sweeping staircase to a large wing
which had been brightly fixed up with lights, curtains, a library full of books
and a large bathroom, “This is all mine?”

“This is your wing of the house.” He muttered,
“I hate it; it’s too... bright. But Santa said that you were too Human to be
there; and you’re too elf-like to be here. So, you’re to work with me... oh
such fun.” He sighed. He turned to leave, stopping at the top of the stairs, “The
List arrives in the first week of November... prepare yourself for travel; you
will be going all over the world to make sure children are who they say they
are. You still have your elf magicks; so it won’t be as hard as you think.”

“What do you do?”

A sickening smile carved up his demonic
face, “I scared the crap out of them all.”

I never asked him a stupid question like
that ever again.

The List showed up in the huge living room
one morning and I then understood why that room was so massive – Krampus needed
the space for all the boxes. As soon as I opened the first box with the letter ‘A’
on it, the names started going through my mind in a whispering voice telling me
whether if the child was good or bad.

“Beth.” Krampus’ voice pulled me out of the
sixth page of ‘A’ from the doorway of the kitchen, “Eat breakfast first before
tackling those boxes.”

“Sorry... I didn’t know they were going to
be so...”

“Yes, they’re bigger than they look.” He turned
and poured himself a mug of coffee, “Another thing: don’t drink my coffee. I
have supplied you with your own machine over there near the kettle.”

“Okay.”

He gulped down half a mug and poured himself
another, before he walked out of the room, “And don’t ask me why.”

I travelled all over the world with parts of
the list with me on a tablet and watched children from afar. I was amazed at
how many children made out to be good when really they were horrible little
snots. Then, you had adults who acted like children and they claimed to be nice
people... then you came across the really rare adults who didn’t think they
were nice, and they really were lovely people.

One afternoon, I was walking through a park
when I heard my name being screamed by somebody. On turning, I saw a woman
running towards me. I had no idea who person was and froze.

“Oh... Krampus... help.” I muttered.

He was by my side in a second and the woman
faltered, “Beth, is there a problem?”

The woman stared at his horns as his dark
form stood over me. I looked up at him, “She screamed my name and acted as
though she knew me.”

He looked down at me, “It’s because she does
know you. That woman is your mother.” I didn’t know what to do as he led me to
a seat and we sat with the woman crying nearby, “Now, you have a huge choice to
make.”

“Go with a person I hardly know or stick
with a mythical demon who nobody gives a rats about.” I said.

“Well, shit... don’t sugarcoat, will you?”

“You said you’d never lie to me.” I said, “I’m
returning the favour. But I want to know where my brother is.”

“He’s still at home with your parents.”

I searched through the tablet to find my
younger brother was on the Nice List, “I’m glad he’s doing well.”

“I made sure of that.”

“Beth please... come home with us and get
away from... that thing.” The woman begged as a policeman showed up, “That’s my
daughter. She’ s been missing for years.”

“Holy shit, who is that in that costume?”
the cop asked.

“It’s not a costume.” I heard her say.

Looking down at my tablet, I started to cry,
“I don’t know, Krampus. I’ve been gone for so long that I don’t know those
people... and yet I’m scared of you; and I don’t want to hurt them.”

Standing, Krampus looked down at me, “The
choice is yours. I will not interfere with it.” He vanished from the park and
left me alone with these ... these... weird people.

The house appeared abandoned when I walked
up to it. There wasn’t a single light on as I stood on the footpath; and I felt
as though I had been dumped there, when really I had walked from the bus stop
down the road. I notice that the yard looked cared for – making it look lived in
– but no lights were left on; as it was late. I was about to knock when the
door opened.

“So, you made up your mind?”

“Yes.” I nodded, “Krampus, I have. I’ve been
gone for too long. I’ll work with you.”

“Good. Get inside.” He grumbled.

I couldn't tell him what I knew about the people who were my family.I just couldn't tell him that he was the better choice than they were, simply because they were on the Naughty List - and had been from the very beginning. They acted like my family, said they were my family, had all the paperwork to say they were my family. But they weren't. It was the elvish magicks which had told me that the woman had been a nurse way back when I was born; and she had stolen me from my mother at the hospital. So, who was worse? Krampus or the evil bitch who was telling me she was my mother all these years? I chose Krampus because he never lied to me, he just told me what he knew and left the choice up to me.

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I'm a writer.
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I'm a collector of books and other things as well.
People say I'm interesting, but I think I'm just an average person looking out into a strange old world with my own ideas of what's going on.
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