In one of the most compelling ledes ever written, a Tuesday Metrostory begins:

A hotel guest emerged naked from a
storage cupboard of a Premier Inn with a fire extinguisher hose up his bottom,
a court was told.

That is not all the British court would
hear about Joseph Small, 20, and his memorable Oct. 31 stay at the Premier Inn
in central London.

According to his court
testimony, all Small wanted to do was travel to London from Sheffield to make
a deal on a used car. And like any stressed out traveler, he stripped off his
clothes in the fourth floor hotel corridor, grabbed a fire extinguisher, and
shoved the hose up his ass.

Once the hose was firmly in place, he
began masturbating and peeing on the floor. A hotel worker named Hassan witnessed
the event on a security camera and quickly covered Small with
a towel as he escorted him to the lobby.

Small began verbally assaulting the Bangladeshi employee,
telling him, "This country has been taken over by al-Qaeda – go back to Pakistan."
He then peed again in the lobby, shouting at a group of tourists, "I come from
Sheffield in England." Because in an event like this, it's best everyone knows
where you come from.

And for his grand finale, Small also racially abused the two
police officers who arrived on the scene. Sadly, the report does not say where the fire extinguisher was at this point.

In court on Tuesday, Small admitted to criminal damage, racially
aggravated harassment, and outraging public decency. Sentencing was adjourned
until Dec. 3