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Thursday, August 2, 2012

Giving and Remembering Buddy

We were given some things for Buddy. The frugal part of me was thinking, "keep it - just use it for the next kid". The emotional part of me was thinking, "It will always remind you of him and you won't use it for anyone else. It will just sit in the drawer and make you cry." The anti-horder and gift giver in me was thinking, "Hey! ______ could totally use this! They would love it." The gift giver won.

I am nearly done giving things away that were meant for him. I bought 11 cloth diapers from a friend to help me diaper two babes. I bought them with Joanna and him in mind, so it's not as hard on me to use them for Joanna.

The last thing for him is a Captain America onesie - I'm not ready to give it away. It's the very first thing I bought for him. I bought it nearly a week before we had a positive test - I knew I was pregnant. Maybe I could frame it? We don't have any photo of him. The only visual memory I have of him is the sonogram I had in the ER - with no heartbeat. That's no way to remember a child. It's like keeping a photo of a casket. I have the photo of our positive pregnancy test, but it's kind of weird to frame something I peed on.

I miss imagining what he'd be like.

I'm certain he's wearing a super hero cape in Heaven.

In other news, I had my blood drawn again today. My hormone levels aren't back to normal yet - my body still thinks I'm pregnant. That means my body isn't done with the process yet. A part of me finds comfort in knowing a part of him is still here. It gives me more time with him before I have to completely say goodbye. I think God did that on purpose. He does everything on purpose.