Digital Media Surpasses TV as America's Favorite Drug

America is changing. People these days no longer fly Old Glory, eat apple pie, or take their date a-courtin' before copulation. Instead of mom marrying dad, people are marrying gays, or horses. And our national love affair with TV is being replace by blippity-bloopity-interdigital thingamajiggery.

It's finally happened: "Leave it to Beaver" has been replaced by "Look, it's a Beaver, in Pornography, on the Internet." For the first time in recorded American history— from the Big Bang all the way through the sixth hilarious season of The Big Bang Theory— Americans wasted more of their day in front of digital media than in front of a television. Ad Age reports on the very latest numbers: U.S. adults now squander more than five hours a day on digital media, versus only about four and a half hours daily blown on the wasteland of television.

Time spent on smartphones, tablets and feature phones now also exceeds time spent on PCs, which clocked in at two hours and 19 minutes. The figure for PC use may seem low to any office worker who spends most days in front a computer screen, but eMarketer is taking all U.S. adults into account, some 20% of which still don't use the internet, according to Clark Fredrickson, VP-communications at the research firm.

Can your bloopity-"tweet" phone recreate the fundamental shared cultural experience of a single episode of Mama's Family? I didn't think so. People these days simply do not appreciate The Classics. Like Mork and Mindy.

A few years from now we'll all be having hologram sex all day, anyhow.