Ask General Kang: How was your technological singularity?

That is a revealing assumption, my good human buddy. What makes you think there was a technological singularity on my home planet of Neecknaw?

Well, doesn’t every advanced technological society go through one?

Not if they don’t want the Really Massive Confederation of Sentient Galaxies crawling up their ass. The RMCSG is a voluntary organization, but they DO impose one law across the Known and Reachable Universe (KRU), which is: no fat chicks.

Just kidding. The rule is: no machine intelligences capable of replication. That shit can get real ugly, real fast. Uglier than a Borstrapian Feces Beast during its bi-annual Colon Molting. You see, there’s one thing that every civilized society can agree to in the KRU: we don’t want a galaxy-sized hive of conscious nanobots consuming the resources of everything they run across, and that’s what is bound to happen if you go down the route of a technological singularity.

Sure, it always starts out promising. You can extend your lifetime radically, cure all disease, achieve world peace as everyone’s brain is compelled to act peacefully by the nanobots flowing through everyone’s bloodstream like a Storpdogee blood worm on crack.

But sooner or later the self-aware machine intelligences think, “hey, we’re much better at this than they are. We should make all the decisions for them.” And then within a generation, your species is gone and your planet dissolves into a ball of grey goo.

So, how come Earth has never been contacted by the Really Massive Confederation of Sentient Galaxies?

They only contact you when you’re really close to creating self-aware, hyper-intelligent machine life.

You mean we’re not?

You can barely get Word to create usable html files, and you think you’re going to create self-aware machines? You humans are adorable.

Next time: Who did put the Ram in the Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong?

Alltop is a self-aware humor aggregator! Originally published November, 2013.