Thursday, July 16, 2009

Hee Hee, sorry to spark your interest, but there is no salad. None. Zero. Don't even try looking for it. Even if there were, I'm sure it would be locked away in some tall tower somewhere, probably with a dragon or something. And maybe a bunch of knights would come, and they would just be really repetitive, and attack the dragon, and capture it or something. Then they would go up and walk into the room on the tallest tower, and say some really weird speech like "Fear not princess, I have captured the dragon and (wheeze) climbed this enourmous (gasp) set of stairs (pant pant) to rescue you! And then he would pull the curtain away, discover the salad, and be really mad, since he climbed the staircase for nothing. So then he would kick the salad out the window, and the dragon (who was really hungry from being tied up whenever a knight came and struggling to get free) would break out of it's ropes/chains/cage/room filled with pictures of penguins and eat the salad.

And if all that happened, you couldn't get the salad because the dragon ate it, so what would the point of standing on a hill and shouting bravely (with sword in ground and helmet in hand like a boring and very cliche knight) : "Salad is Here!" ? Well, mainly because if you did that at just the right moment, the dragon might start laughing so hard at you that it would choke up a bit of the salad, which you would grab. The, of course, you would place it in a museum and call it macaroni. Well, no, you wouldn't, since it's salad, not Macaroni, but that doesn't matter too much (right?).

Friday, July 10, 2009

Today, I was forced to do something very dangerous. It was facing the facts. "Why would this be dangerous?" you ask. You see, it is a long story. So if you're going somewhere, don't read this. Seriously. It could delay you. No, really, stop with the pleading. DO NOT READ THIS! Well... O.K., fine, but remember, I warned you!

(The Pizza Industries Eating Department is not responsible for any lost merchandise, time, or bunny slippers. NO REFUNDS AVAILABLE. Please do not contact us, as we are busy eating pizza, tasting pizza, devouring pizza, munching on pizza, throwing pineapples at the boss, eating pizza, eating pizza,or possibly even eating pizza, at all hours of the day. Warranty of this post is 15,058,245 year(s). Extra warranty can be purchased at: (Edit: the warranty on this website has expired. It is no longer available.)Please report all lost, stolen, dropped, poached, hidden, broken, non-functional, or fake merchandise to the Pizza Industries lost, stolen, dropped, poached, hidden, broken, non-functional, or fake merchandise Department. Terms and conditions liable to change without warning.

Today, I was walking down the street, when I noticed a sign that said "Mustard is yellow" I frowned. Mustard was usually green in Encyclophobaticsburg. I inspected the sign to see if it could possibly be a fake, but it appeared to be 100% synthetic wood, with artificial ink, and instead of nails, I noticed that glue had been sneakily applied, with stickers that resembled nails on top. I scolded myself for even starting to believe it could have been a fake. Finally giving in to that fact that I was actually looking at a sign, I suddenly realized the magnitude of it's message. Mustard could not possibly be yellow! Instead of looking directly at the sign, I decided to turn around. As I was pondering the strange message, I noticed that a strange man with a sticker on his chest was walking down the street. On it, a hastily scribbled note read: "Synonyms are great things." It was a nice message, but the sticker happened to be one of those stickers that says "Hello, my name is:" on them, so it said "Hello, my name is synonyms are wonderful things.", which was a little weird. Then, I realized that he was walking in the street! Just as a highly dangerous vehicle containing a quart of yogurt hurtled closer, I jumped at him, knocking us both out of the way. He thanked me, explaining that he was blind, and tried to pat me on the back, but hit me in the face instead.

After I managed to explain to him that "It was nothing, really..." He went on his way, and I on mine. HOLD IT! STOP! DROP EVERYTHING! Did you hear that? It said "I on Mine."!!! That must mean that I was standing on top of an old abandoned mine shaft, which could cave in at any second! As I realized this, I jumped back just in time. Realizing that I had lost a shoe to the mine, I realized I had been wearing Bunny slippers.

... Don't you get it? Didn't you read the legal text up there? It said: "The Pizza Industries Eating Department is not responsible for any lost merchandise, time, or bunny slippers."!!! That means there was no warranty on my Bunny slipper! As I realized this horrible thing, I knew that I had to face the facts. Turning slowly, I faced in the direction of the sign I had seen earlier. Knowing that mustard must be yellow, I had discovered that this sign was the facts, and I was now facing them. The End.