How to survive the apocalypse

Could you survive the apocalypse? Not at the moment, according to a new survey from Big Bang STEM. Dr Lewis Dartnell, leader of the project, says most Britons lack the skills to survive a potential zombie/alien/nuclear holocaust, whether it be hunting food or finding shelter. So how could you live to tell the tale? With our ultimate MH guide. You're welcome.

As a rule of thumb, if the person proclaiming the end of the world is wearing a) a sandwich board or b) a cape, you needn’t pay them much heed. If, however, they’re a leading military academic basing their predictions on exhaustive research, it's worth being more credulous.

The study raised concerns that unpredictable exercises by Russia and Nato in adjacent countries could turn war games into something very real. And military brinksmanship aside, you don't have to be a raving paranoiac to look at recent storms, floods, droughts and nuclear meltdowns (can you say zombie apocalypse?) and think it couldn't hurt to do a little prep. If you don’t want to wind up as badger meat, these are the skills you need to master. You know, just in case.

Location, location, location

The bricks and mortar you saved for so long for may have been washed away, but on the upside, so has the bank holding you to ransom. There’s no Foxtons in the wilderness, but there are foxes, so you’ll have to find new premises pronto. Things that no longer matter: local restaurants, catchment areas or flight paths. Things that do: weather, water and raw materials.

“You can improve your situation by making sure you’re not in natural hollows,” says award-winning bushcraft expert Jason Ingamells, the founder and chief instructor of Woodland Ways Bushcraft and Survival. Since cold air sinks, camping in a hollow makes for chilly nights. Instead, hunker down two-thirds up a rise so you’re protected from the weather. Head for woodland if possible. You’ll limit your exposure and have materials to build and heat your new home.

Gimme shelter

Whether it’s blazing sunshine or there’s snow on the ground, keeping yourself covered is key to keeping yourself alive. “You want a very solid structure that you could put your full bodyweight on,” says Ingamells. “If something comes crashing down on it you increase your chance of making it through the night.”

Go Egyptian by erecting something triangular – it’s one of the structurally soundest shapes. Start by gathering solid wood of similar sizes. Sustainability demands you not hack off live limbs, but if it’s life or death then have no qualms about taking to the trees. “If you interlock forked sticks together so they’re all jammed in place that works a treat,” Ingamells recommends. Imagine you’re a pharaoh in a pyramid and try to forget your looted flat screen.

Structure built, it’s time to waterproof. Gather leaf litter or bracken and overlap it like roof tiles until it’s as deep as your arm. “When you’re sitting under it, you shouldn’t be able to see any daylight.” Pay particular attention to the top two-thirds, adds Ingamells, as it takes the brunt of the rain. The extra effort will save you a drenching. And make sure you layer the ground with dry leaves or spruce boughs to stop all your body heat flowing into the dirt; your underfloor heating is warming mutant feet now.

Water, water everywhere

Even if your shelter would stun Frank Gehry, unless you find water it will end up as a tomb. “Go downhill to begin with,” says Ingamells. Streams follow gravity and widen as they descend, so you’re more likely to stumble across one. But don’t start filling your canteen. The closer to the source you get, the less likely you’re drinking downstream from a rotting deer, so follow it up as far as you can.

If you don’t know that water’s 100% safe – and unless you’ve got a lab to hand, you don’t – you need to clean it. “All creatures go to the cleanest possible source, so there could still be faeces or carcasses lying about,” warns Ingamells. Not exactly Evian. If in the rush to escape the mob you misplaced your water purification tablets, fire is your friend. First, filter out the larger debris. Then heat the water to boiling – killing the bacteria – and let it cool again. Resist the urge to add leaves and a dash of milk.

I am the firestarter

To boil water you need fire. And if you didn’t bring your Zippo, you’ll need to improvise. There’s no surefire way to make a blaze, says Ingamells. Every environment provides different materials, so to limit your chances of freezing to death or being poisoned by your drinking water, he recommends having around 12 techniques to hand for when civilisation collapses. Worth the time when yours is the only survivors' outpost with a BBQ night.

If you’re surrounded by medium-density wood – think lime, sycamore or hazel – then friction’s your best bet. First find some dead, dry sticks hanging in trees. Fashion one into a drill, the other into a hearth. Make yourself a basic bow and, applying pressure from above, drill into the hearth. “You’ll start to get smoke pretty instantaneously,” says Ingamells. You know, after hours of practice.

To turn that smoke into fire prep a ball of dried grass with some soft plant material inside it. “The seed head of a rosebay willow herb, or bulrush,” says Ingamells. “Put that inside the grass bundle so it looks like a bird’s nest.” At no point be tempted to shake down an actual bird’s nest. Once you’ve drilled enough the smoke will become self-sustaining, so transfer it to the soft stuff and “blow it into life.” Take a moment to feel manlier than ever before.

Trap Lord

With hunger setting in and nary a Tesco Metro in sight, you’ll need to find some food. “Never put anything in your mouth unless you’re 100% sure what it is and that it is safe,” warns Ingamells. So forget that mushroom and berry fricassee you’re eyeing up. Instead, focus on protein. Animals are, to an extent, just like you. “They need food, they need water, they need shelter. So study where they go to drink, to eat, to sleep, then lay appropriate snares in those places.”

Start with a piece of wire as long as your forearm and wrap one end round a twig half the thickness of your little finger, so it forms a figure-of-four. Twist the twig a few times to make an eyelet, then remove the twig. Feed the other end of the wire through and repeat to make a second eyelet. Find a run between a burrow and feeding spot – “That’s when they’re least alert” – and peg your snare down. A rabbit slots its head in, the wire loop tightens, and you’ve caught yourself some supper. More effort than a Domino’s, admittedly, but more caveman-channelling than even your paleo diet.

Bag it up

When society starts to crumble you won’t have time to pop to Blacks for supplies. Keeping a packed bag by your door ensures you hit the wilderness as prepared as possible. Here’s what to pack.

A knife
Warm, waterproof clothes
A plastic sheet to protect your shelter
A fishing kit
A water purification pump
A windproof lighter and spare fuel

Daily Upgrade Newsletter

SIGN UP TO RECEIVE MEN'S HEALTH NEWSLETTERS

We sift through all the day's new research and studies to provide all – and only – what you need to know

Workouts and recipes from the best trainers and nutritionists in the world

Fitness challenges, culture picks, quizzes and everything else you need to make the most of your downtime

Enter your email address:

Please tick if you would prefer not to receive news & special offers from Hearst Magazines UK.
Please tick if you would like to receive news & special offers from selected partners of Hearst Magazines UK
Please tick if you would also like to receive the Men's Health Newsletter
Please tick if you would also like to receive the Men's Health Style Newsletter