Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

Reality check

This is something that has been on my mind since I experienced first hand what it is to be betrayed by the person you cared about. I believe that it is something that some of you will find helpful.

When I confronted with wife with her infidelities and after she admitted her acts, she cried, screamed and begged for another chance. Her cries and begs were not enough to change my mind that it was over. She said it had been a mistake and once she started she could not find a way to stop. She said that she still love me and did not want to hurt me. She said she was very sorry and would do anything to fix it. I did not hear her pleads and this is the reason why.

First it was not a mistake. A mistake is when you walk out of a store and realize that you forgot to pay for something. If you are a little honest you walk back and pay for it. What she did and what anyone that commits infidelity does is a deliberate act. It is planned and execute as they want it to be. Using the analogy of the store is like planning and performing bank robbery. Being unfaithful is something that it is planned, it is not like someone forced them to do it. As a man that traveled during my marriage, I was tempted many times and had the opportunities, but my vows and love for my partner were more important.

Second, you cannot love someone that you betrayed. Therefore, she did not love me when she was being unfaithful and was lying about still loving me. The reason for my logic is that love is not something you can turn on and off. Either you have it for someone or you dont. You can fall in love with someone or fall out of love due to something done, but you cannot love a person when it suits.

Third, she did want to hurt me and she did like I had never been hurt before. A person that is unfaithful does not care about the feeling of his or her partner. They do not care about the hurt that they will cause and believe me they do know that they will be hurting those who love them. The pain that is experienced by someone betrayed does not go away with Tylenol; it stays there for a long time and the scars prevent you from learning to trust again. It takes a long time for a person to realize that not every one is like the person that hurt him/her.

And last she was not sorry for cheating, she was sorry for being caught. If I had given her another chance, she would have done the same thing again, only being a little more careful and stealthy.

Am I still bitter, the answer is yes. Do I still love her, the answer is absolutely NO. The pain she caused was so bad that I do not wish it on my worst enemy. She not only caused pain, but killed my dreams. It is better alone than living with the enemy.

I feel everything that you say, but I don't agree with everything that you say. I have to take what is in my heart and mix it with a little logic in from my head to see things clearly.

If I am looking at my H's infidelity as something he was looking to do to me, then everything you say it true. But that is not the case and it has taken me awhile to realize that.

He got caught up in something that he couldn't control. There were issues between us that helped facilitate that. There were issues with himself that helped facilitate that. But he did not seek an affair and he did not seek to destroy me. He managed to accomplish both of those things, but he did not set out to do them.

You yourself have said that you have &quot;safely flirted&quot; with many women. My H was/is that kind of guy too and I have never really had a problem with that. But into his life came someone that was very attracted to him and responded to that &quot;safe flirting&quot; and it was no longer &quot;safe&quot;. She was in a miserable marriage and mine looked really good to her and she wanted it. She took it one step further over and over again and he followed because it was suppose to be safe and found himself in situations he had never been in before.

Due to the amount of time they spent together because of work, feelings developed confusing him more and more. If our home life had been what it was suppose to be, if we had been communicating as we should, those feelings would most likely have been nothing. But those feelings at the wrong time, produced disaster. And because she was a &quot;friend&quot; to our family, she was able to use our issues to her advantage.

He is an ass for allowing this to happen. He is completely to blame for not coming to me the moment he began to have feelings for her. He behaved selfishly and forgot his responsiblity to this marriage. He f--ked up, no doubt about it!

But I do believe that he is sorry for cheating, not just sorry for getting caught. I do believe he made a mistake; the biggest mistake he could ever make, but a mistake none the less.

I don't believe that the word mistake can only be used for small things in life. You can take action, based on your perception, thoughts, and feelings and end up being wrong. That is a mistake.

I think the determination for mistakes is more about how you feel about what you have done after doing it, then how you feel when you are doing it.

I know that my view is not the popular opinion and everyone here is entitled to their own views. Mulish, I would also have to say that your W's cheating is very different than my H's cheating. So it would stand to reason that we might see things a little differently.

I see your point and agree that my ws actions cannot be compared to your hs. I also agree that there are many levels of mistakes and still be considered mistakes. There are many reasons for a person to break their vows, some can be considered reasonable, but to me there is always an alternative.

As for flirting, it is safe if the person flirting does not go beyond a certain limit and knows that the receiver understand that is just a friendly act and nothing else.

What you say in your situation may be true. It is not true for all people. You sound very angry and I am wondering if the anger is to cover up the hurt. I have been where you are and the hurt is horrible. Anger will kill you and I hope you move on to the hurt and on. You know you wife better than me so what you say may be true, I can not say. I hope you are being fair in how you are judging her for what she did. I know that sounds crazy, but do not let foolish pride get in the way. I know it is hard to let somebody do this to you and move on but it can be done.

Cleversmile, I agree that not all situations are the same. Sometimes a person gets caught up in the moment, I do understand that. I also understand that feeling when someone finds you attractive and wants to be with you; sometimes we forget everyone and fall for a moment. In this case and if it only happened once, I agree that it can be considered a mistake. I am not angry anymore, I went thru all the emotions that came because of the infidelity, hurt, then anger, depression, despair, then hurt again, wanting revenge and then acceptance. I am still trying to forgive, never forget.

Hats off to you...I agree 100% with what you have said...I view a mistake as something you can rub out or erase...Unfortunately, however you view this 'mistake' or try and pretend that you can and will get over it, IMO you can't...It can never be 'rubbed' out...I tried for 4 years to reconcile and never had one moment of peace during all those years...Each day was a living nightmare, trying to piece together what was left of my shattered dreams...It was never the same and could never be...Before it all happened I used to think...&quot;If that ever happened to me, I'd boot him out on the spot&quot;...Unfortunately we had a business and 2 sons...that's the only reason I gave him a chance and in the end he blew it again...He could not keep on the straight and narrow and ended up cheating again...I don't think he stopped his cheating ways for a minute during our 'reconciliation'...During that time I tried to rationalize, convince myself and justify this 'mistake'...Perhaps 'it' was a mistake, he was pursued by some relentless vulture, he was having a midlife crisis...etc.etc.. In the end though, I couldn't make excuses for his behaviour anymore...The bottom line was...he betrayed me...In the end, I chose not to live with a traitor...I do know some can put their marriages back together and have succeeded...but for me, the pill was too bitter to swallow...

I agree 120 percent with everything Mulish has said. My own thoughts and beliefs are exactly the same, evidenced by tons of journal entries dating back to 2006 that say the same exact thing. Its his own personal belief and it is surely mine. Everyone has their own opinion- its just the way we think.

Guess, I better add an addendum to my post and after thinking it carefully decided to write this as my addendum.

Not all situations are the same, no two couples manage their ups and downs the same way either. As I said before there different levels of mistakes and I guess that straying from a relationship can be perceived differently depending the depth of the involvement and the length.

After reading some other posts placed in other discussion groups, I have to agree that a one night stand could be considered a mistake and not necessarily be labeled a full blown infidelity affair. If the cheater feels so bad about the deed that after trying to hide it for days, weeks or months comes to terms and admits his mistake, then it can be considered a mistake that needs solving before it get worst. To cheaters that have a one and only fall, feel terrible about it and out of the blue confront their spouses with their transgression; my hat is off to them. There is hope if those relations, lots of work ahead but together you can make a good marriage better and I wish you all the luck in the world.

There are some people that cheat to get even. Not the best use of their logic, time and energy. And for those I feel sorry. They are lowering themselves in order to exact some revenge. It is easier and smarter cutting your loses and moving away.

My previous writings were addresses more to those cheaters that have multiple or long lasting affairs. However, thanks to the inputs from members and friend I find myself needing to amend my original post. Thank you all for making me see the light.

I do agree to a point. Every relationship is different, but it's almost like cheating can be a nail in the final coffin. But, clearly, some relationships can recover and some can forgive it. Some, tho, just can't. Even when they try like hell. Sometimes, these are things we figure out about ourselves as we go.

NOW I know I would not even try to forgive a cheater. It would be a waste of time for me. I make that position clear with anyone I get serious with now.

The flirting? I would like to say this...if you don't mind. Flirting is fine when you are single and having fun. No problem with flirting at all. But if, hypothetically, I was seriously dating someone who liked to flirt with other women and this happened in front of me? I would be hurt, honestly, I would. I would be second guessing virtually everything that came out of his mouth. That flirting would undermine any solidity I would try to have with him. In my head, I would be saying, 'Sure, he said he loves me and only me, but did I really just see how he looked at her? Did I really just hear what he just said to her? If I wasn't around, would he have ACTED on it? Does he really WANT her? Man, I want him to only want me...'

Hope you see my point, Mulish. Any other ladies, feel free to pipe up. Just curious now.

Mulish &amp; cirhas2:
After reading your discourse on this topic, I must say that while I can see and understand both points of view, I can also understand your individual feelings as a result of the infidelity of your respective spouses.

Mulish seems not to have digested the possible &quot;reasons&quot; for his wife's infidelity -- and that's perfectly ok --while cirhas2 has (in her own words) &quot;mixed it with logic&quot; in an attempt to get some clarity and perspective on the situation.

Everyone is entitled to their own perspective, and with time, perspective can change.

Looking back, I can see where my X's affair wasn't just about sex -- it was a case of another woman feeding his huge ego and most likely telling him that he deserved more, better, whatever. This is what they call an &quot;emotional&quot; affair; unfortunately, this is the way most full-blown extramarital affairs begin.

My X loved attention, flattery and having someone dote on him incessantly. Conversely, over the course of our marriage, I received less attention and shouldered the majority of the responsibilities of caring for our child, our home, our animals and maintaining our friendships with other married couples. Yet, his continual complaint was that he felt &quot;unfulfilled&quot; and &quot;unhappy.&quot;

In 2002, I had grown weary of jumping through the flaming hoops he kept throwing at me, I threw up my hands and told him that I simply could not make him &quot;happy&quot; -- happiness is something which each of us must find within ourselves. I was not responsible for his and was no longer going to be held accountable for it!

Given the fact that my X would NEVER, EVER agree to get into therapy (with me or by himself) the situation made him a prime target for an opportunist. At some point, he got involved with a divorced female he worked with -- a woman who had been sleeping her way through the company ranks since the Year 2000.

No doubt, my X fed right into it, because it was by far EASIER for him to &quot;share his feelings&quot; with her (someone who knew little or nothing about him or his history) than facing and working on the issues in our marriage. This woman did not know me and had never met me. My X could pick and choose what (if anything) he wanted to tell her about me and our 23 year marriage. To this day, I have no idea how long this affair was going on before I got wind of it.

Some experts say that an affair is a cry for help -- a last-ditch effort to get the other spouse's attention. My X had held my undivided attention for 23 years (and for 6 years prior to marriage)! When I issued that &quot;happiness ultimatum&quot; and he STILL REFUSED to seek professional help he chose to go outside our marriage seeking this elusive &quot;happiness.&quot;

When I learned of the affair in late 2005, I begged him to go into counseling with me in an effort to save our marriage -- or to reach a point of understanding and dissolve it. When he refused, I put him out of our home and sued him for divorce -- on March 15, 2007 I was finally free of him.

In summary, my X made a conscious decision to step outside of our marriage in search of something he already had, but didn't know how to find! I did the best I could with what I had to work with -- that's all that any of us can do.

The wound of betrayal is healing and I am not bitter; nor do I feel sorry for him. My Journey to get to this place was long and difficult, but worth the effort -- and my New Life is more peaceful and rewarding than I ever imagined possible.

Healing from betrayal takes time. Lots and lots of time. Mulish,you say you are over or past the anger. Having been there I have to say, you never really are over it. Just like grief, people go back over the emotions ,including anger multiple times. You have to let it ALL out and sometimes its just to painful to bear to allow yourself that. Like everyone else has said, its a personal journey for each couple and circumstances are all different. What helped me was examining MYSELF and my own role in why my husband made the choice to stray. At first I denied and wouldn't accept that I had something to do with it. It was what he did TO me. I have come to realize and accept a lot of it was what I did to myself by my own behavior in our marriage. Yes, he broke our vows, yes he had an affair, but he too has pain that can never be erased. A different pain, but maybe even worse than mine, because he has to look himself in the mirror and know what he did! Yes cheating is a choice and is done on purpose, but we all make choices and mistakes in life we come to regret and hope and pray people will forgive us for. Granted they usually are not of this magnitude. All I can say from my own experience is that my husband is so grateful and thankful I found the strength to forgive him and give him another chance and so am I. Will I ever forget? Never! Can I show him forgiveness and unconditional love thinking it could be me in his shoes, yes. Am I taking a risk in trusting him, maybe. But making lifelong promises to one person is a risk whether we want to admit it or not. We are all only human.

Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart. Exactly to the point and I only wish that I could be confident and have the black and white thinking when it comes to issues which should never allow grey areas to enter. Everything said is exactly what I know to be true and this is just about the two year anniversary of my discovery and my dysfunctions. Not a day has gone by where I don't have obssesive thoughts and torment myself about H's infidelity. Illness inflicted on you is out of your control but as you say, these were intentional planned deliberate selfish acts. Your explanation makes me know how foolish and insecured I am. How crazy is it to punish yourself for premediated acts commited against you? How do you allow someone in your life that has proven to be capable of stealing, lying, cheating, sharing love and doing the most intimate sexual and verbal acts destroying your credibility and value without your awareness. At that time I was married for 30 years and thanks to you I am going to get up, dust myself off and start a new day. Whatever happens from this moment on, will be my choice and you have given me my final aha moment.

Mulish, you have every right to vent and so does anyone else that feels like you do; I wouldn't even try to take that away from you.

I respect those who can't stay with their cheating spouse as much as I respect those who choose to stay and try to work it out. Neither choice is an easy one to make and we all deserve all the support we can get.

We all had a similar thing happen to us, but our responses to that will be as different as our relationships are.

clrhas2, this is what makes this site so special. We are just sharing our experiences and offering non-professional opinions based on what we experienced, but must importantly how we all over came the stress, hurt and depression that came due to finding out. Like you say, not every one handles the same scenario the same way and that bank of information can proof helpful to someone just finding out and insecure.

That is the main reason that I always accept criticism, Thanks in part at the fact that I am no expert and cannot see what is going on with other couples out there. This site brings people like you and I do discuss a topic that we have completely different points on. And that makes a gold mine for people hungry for information; for the need to know.

I too respect those that decide to stay and fight for the relationship and make work and wish them the best of luck. The victim needs to be emotionally strong and for that my hat is of to them. I also admire a cheater that after attempting it the first time realizes what he/she has and runs back to it and looks for ways to make it up to their spouse.

To me while it happened long ago it is a way to bring it out in the open, while remaining invisible thanks to the internet. Here I vent and SCREAM, because the reasons given to me are not logical enough to understand. I have given up on trying to understand anymore and do not care.

Just checking in. Hope everyone is doing the best as can be. Im doing ok. Just getting older and feeling more "old age" achs and pains . Ha ha. We're still waiting for the banks ok on the house that we bought. To be honest..... .it may not work . Credit score is very good now ,but some old bills show up. Sso, i think maybe 50/50 chance. My wife will be divestated if it doesnt go through. ...

Through Gods grace we got to spend Christmas Eve together as a "blended family" and I made peace with his gf.Then he had a stroke Christmas morning and passed away today. My poor stepdaughter has been in ICU every day and my heart hurts for her and all of my children. My stepdaughter asked me if he had a DNR and I was able to contact a lawyer who said he was going to meet with him this week...

All content posted on this site is the responsibility of the party posting such content.
Participation on this site by a party does not imply endorsement of any other party's content,
products, or services. Content should not be used for medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.