Pre-amble: Tonight is Ryan Giggs's 100th European appearance for Manchester United, a clear indicator that there is far too much of this Champions League stuff played these days. Further evidence is that United played Lille as little as three years ago - I'm sure the two games are so firmly ingrained in your minds that I don't have to remind you United won the match at Old Trafford thanks to a late David Beckham goal, while Paul Scholes's stoppage-time goal at Lille equalised the French team's strike by Bruno Cheyrou (the new Zidane, according to Gerard Houllier). I thought so. Truly great occasions to live long in the memory, as no doubt this will be.

Wayne Rooney is suspended after his sarcastic applause of Kim Milton Nielsen, the referee knowing the clapping was sarcastic because he had never been on the receiving end of it before. Giggs returns to the side, along with Darren Fletcher, Park Ji-sung the (un)lucky one to miss out on this big occasion - so big that for once tickets can be bought at Old Trafford's gates this evening. The side has an ominous 4-5-1 look about it, though expect Paul Scholes to be pushing forward in Rooney's role in a bid to break his goalscoring drought.

1 min A confident start from Lille, Peter Odemwingie, their sole striker, trying his luck from 25 yards. You need to be very lucky to beat Edwin van der Sar from there.

3 mins There may be more than 60,000 inside Old Trafford, but it's one of those evenings when you can hear what is being shouted from the two dug-outs. Which those in charge of the nine o'clock watershed won't be too pleased about.

4 mins Ronaldo wins a free-kick by climbing all over the back of Makoun, and then falling over. A clever idea.

6 mins A scoop from Scholes lands on the head of Giggs, who then intriguingly takes the option of juggling the ball three more times on his head before being closed out by Tavlaridis.

7 mins Tavlaridis receives a final warning from the referee after two heavy challenges, by which I mean fouls, on Van Nistelrooy. Tavlaridis is a former Arsenal defender, none of whom have ever been too keen on the United striker.

9 mins A bad mistake from Tavlaridis almost lets in Van Nistelrooy, then seconds later Lille have a big shout for a penalty after a concentration slip from Ferdinand (no, really). Odemwingie beat Van der Sar to the ball, but was already on the way down when he made slight contact with the United keeper. A good decision.

12 mins Debuchy fires (sorry, dribbles) a shot in from the corner of the box, which trickles hopelessly wide.

14 mins The atmosphere in the stadium is almost as non-existent as the tempo of the match. Mind you, some of the tackling is reminiscent of the last match at Old Trafford, the rugby league grand final - the players seemingly confused by the remaining markings on the pitch.

16 mins United's first real effort at goal. A free-kick played short from Giggs to Bardsley was mis-hit by the stand-in right-back, but Ferdinand neatly improvised by playing the ball into the path of Scholes, whose fierce volley was parried away by Sylva.

17 mins Moments later, Scholes crosses low for Van Nistelrooy, but the Dutch forward's strike isn't clean and is gobbled up by Sylva.

19 mins This is all depressingly similar to those opening weeks of the Premiership when teams were playing 4-5-1 against each other with little urgency or creativity.

21 mins Thierry Henry has just scored an absolute belter for Arsenal and Sean Ingle. Meanwhile I have to put up with Ryan Giggs slipping over embarrassingly as he tried to cross and the ball ever-so-slowly inching its way over the byline - the highlight of the last two minutes.

23 mins A promising move is ruined by Van Nistelrooy after his lay-off goes behind the on-running Giggs. The United front players aren't linking up well in the absence of Rooney.

25 mins Ronaldo has his first dribble of the match, but is quickly stopped in his tracks by Vitakic as he tries his 24th stepover. You lot are obviously all snoozing, which is what I feel like doing to be frank.

27 mins A bit of excitement as Ronaldo and Vitakic square up over seemingly nothing. The ball went harmlessly out for a throw-in, and as Ronaldo fetched the ball Vitakic pushed him, to which the United winger reacted by thrusting an arm in the full-back's face. In fact, it wasn't anything much.

29 mins Scholes receives his mandatory booking for a typical Scholes tackle - late and sliding on Tavlaridis.

31 mins "No offence," says the scary Paula Willow, intent on causing offence, "but when will Tweedle Dum (Ingle) and Tweedle Dee (Adamson) take a night off and allow the elegant, tasty and delicious Barry Glendenning to return to the minute-by-minute action?" If we could persuade him to come in and write about this rubbish, believe me we would, Paula.

32 mins A foul by Rafael on Ronaldo wins himself a booking and United a free-kick in a dangerous position. It'll be either Giggs or Ronaldo to take it...

33 mins Giggs strikes the ball firmly onto the post. Sylva was rooted to the spot in the Lille goal - he'll say he had it covered.

35 mins "Was a bit bored watching on TV so reverted to watch online for a bit," says Dave Cann. Yes folks, for those of you who can't see the game, it really is that bad. "An observation: Alan Smith always seems to pass it sideways or backwards - looks like he's the new David Batty." An honest, if hardly flattering, appraisal, Dave. And one that's hard to disagree with.

37 mins Chalme's turn now to run the ball carelessly off the pitch. Prompt unenthusiastic cheers. Jim Beglin reckons the game needs a goal. It's for those kind of insights that he's paid a fortune by ITV.

39 mins Fletcher floats a free-kick from the halfway line into the box, but the ball bounces off O'Shea's head for a goal kick.

41 mins Fine play from Giggs as he firsts plays a quick one-two with Ronaldo, then curls a cross to the back post where Scholes miskicks while stretching to reach the ball.

43 mins "Tell us who this Ebanks-Blake character on the United bench is," demands Justin Kavanagh. He's a youngster, Justin. "Has anyone with a double-barrel name (other than Wright-Phillips) ever been any good at football? Djemba-Djemba?" Well Djemba-Djemba might be a decent player in a Sunday league park team (might), but the best to my knowledge was Leo Fortune-West, formerly of Gillingham fame, and one of the deadliest strikers in the lower leagues in Championship Manager 94/95.

44 mins A ferocious hit by Acimovic from 30-odd yards goes narrowly over the bar, though it was straight above Van der Sar who had pulled his hands out of the way.

45 mins Acimovic has another shot having feinted his way past Silvestre, but this time his curling effort is just wide.

Half-time The referee wastes no time in blowing the whistle to put us all out of our misery, playing precisely zero seconds of stoppage time. Good man.

Half-time analysis A Lille penalty shout and a Paul Scholes volley are the only two episodes of note from the first half. It was a fair decision from the ref not to award a spot-kick, mainly because the forward was looking for it, going down before Van der Sar pulled his leg away.

United are predictably predictable without Rooney. They really need to push someone forward to join up with the isolated Van Nistelrooy, whether it be Giggs (bring Park on to play on the left), Scholes, Rossi or Smith (he is a striker by nature remember). Sadly, Fergie seems determined to prove that his team are adept at playing this formation. Which they are not.

Half-time entertainment One half-time advert has provided this onlooker with more excitement in 30 seconds than the first 45 minutes of this match. You may have seen it - it's the one for Fifa Football 2006 in which United beat Brazil 4-1, then play Barcelona, inviting Ronaldinho to renew his rivalry with Rooney. Cue fireworks.

Half-time emails "I hope Sir Red Nose gives Park a chance to play 45 minutes," says Joel. "The team is too boring with the likes of Fletcher, Smith and Scholes playing together. I don´t like the look of the starting XI at home against a team of Lille's quality - too defensive - we can't play for 0-0 at Old Trafford for crying out loud."

"Has the Stretford End fallen asleep yet?" asks Mark Smith. "I think I just heard my granny fart on TV - she has season tickets there."

"If this doesn't improve soon, I'm going to have to do some real work rather than follow this stuff," says John Thompson. "Bring back the cricket I say." Only 13 months till the next Ashes series, John.

"I just cannot stand this negative, depressing football any more," says Simon Horwell. "I've supported United my whole life and I have to say for the first time ever I am losing interest in watching their games or following their results. Is there any hope, any hope at all, that Fergie might come to his senses and take off Smith (AKA David Batty the 2nd), leave Scholes and Fletcher in the middle and push up someone like Rossi to join Van Nistelrooy up front."

47 mins The game restarts with seemingly nobody noticing. Certainly not Giggs, who fails to spot the ball coming his way and therefore lets it roll out of play. Fergie was worryingly optimistic about the first-half performance, saying there was some "good passing". he must have been watching the game between Bayern Munich and Juventus I think.

49 mins United win a corner after Darren Fletcher's dart down the right. Can they bring this game to life?

50 mins Course not. Though Ferdinand did try, heading back to Ronaldo on the six-yard box, but Ronaldo's subsequent header didn't have enough power to trouble Sylva.

51 mins Vitakic is booked for clashing with Ronaldo again. The Serbian left-back performed a quasi-forearm smash into Ronaldo as the winger played it one side of him and tried to run around the other. The United players wanted the referee to dish out a stronger punishment. Seconds later Ronaldo takes some revenge of sorts with a girly kick at Vitakic. No booking though.

53 mins "I probably should know," writes Martin Kehoe, "but when did Rooney and Ronaldinho's rivalry start?" When United beat Brazil 4-1 in the advert of course - you should've seen Ronaldinho's reaction.

55 mins A yellow card for O'Shea after a mistimed tackle on Debuchy. The game is a little rugged at the moment, which is better than nothing. "I don't mind Smith passing it sideways if it goes to a United player - it was ok for Ray Crab Wilkins - but isn't it odd that a team which the manager says is having trouble scoring converts a striker nto a holding midfielder?" says Warren Hammond. "Saha is back from injury soon - probably as a centre-half."

57 mins Ronaldo is seeing much more of the ball in the second half. He's also seeing quite a lot of the grass as the Lille defenders elect to upend him on a regular basis.

59 mins "Surely it's not only I that sees Fergie's masterplan," says conspiracy theorist Peter Moran. "In order to defeat the Glazers, he's intent on making United the most boring team in Europe. The fans leave, the club goes bankrupt and Fergie buys a half share (with rights to stud). The fact it all started two years before anyone had heard of the Glazers is, er, simply proof of the great man's foresight and the only question is who will buy the other half share."

60 mins A less-than-attacking substitution for Lille as attacking midfielder Acimovic is replaced by defensive midfielder Dernis. Lille are clearly happy with a point. Mind you, United are doing nothing to suggest they wouldn't be.

62 mins Dernis shows my previous update to be a little unfair, as he moves unchallenged through the United midfield and then unleashes a low shot which goes a couple of feet wide of Van der Sar's goal.

63 mins Paul Scholes is sent off for another late, sliding challenge on Makoun. The referee had no option but to show him another yellow card. He jogs straight down the tunnel to a ripple of applause, though I'm not quite sure why.

65 mins A good run across goal from Giggs and then pass to Ronaldo almost unlocks the Lille defence, but Sylva athletically tips away Ronaldo's threatening chipped cross.

67 mins Fletcher wins the ball in midfield and spreads it to Giggs, but his sloppy pass to Van Nistelrooy, who was back on his heels anyway, is intercepted by Rafael; which is all symptomatic of United's performance this evening. As was Ferdinand's misjudgment moments later, allowing Odemwingie a free header 10 yards out, which the striker fluffed onto his shoulder and into the arms of Van der Sar.

69 mins A lovely ball by Chalme from the right flank presents an opportunity for Debuchy, but his miscontrol lets United's defenders recovered.

71 mins ITV are currently advertising their Championship highlights on Sunday morning, which is far more appealing than this drivel. £41 some people have paid to watch this.

73 mins A like-for-like substitution for Lille as they put Moussilou on in place of striker Odemwingie.

74 mins Almost for United - almost working the ball into a shooting position, that is. Ronaldo burst down the right and crossed for Smith at the back post, but Tafforeau just managed to nudge the ball away with his left boot.

76 mins Thierry Henry has doubled Arsenal's lead in Prague. Oh for a goal in this game. Even a shot would do. Rio Ferdinand has won a corner - that will suffice for now.

77 mins Giggs swings in the corner as several Japanese tourists who have been conned into attending this game take photos of their "heroes". For the record, it's wasted.

79 mins "What has happened to Scholes?" wonders Warren from Amsterdam. "He's gone from being the pick of midfielders playing in the Premiership into a shoo-in for rejuvenation in Sam's Bolton army. Do any other United fans wish he'd carried on playing international football and retired from United 12 months ago?" I know a few.

81 mins Can anyone imagine the Manchester United team that won the Treble in 1999 playing so aimlessly against such a limited team? Nope, didn't think so.

82 mins Another nasty aerial challenge from Tavlaridis on Van Nistelrooy presents United with a free-kick 25 yards out. Giggs takes it, but it's not as good as his one in the first half and is deflected for a corner. Giggs won't have the chance to take the corner though, as he's substituted for Park Ji-sung, who rather comically takes the captain's armband, looks round, and then decides to don it himself. The fans booed when Ferdinand was given the armband on Saturday, which may be why.

84 mins Park shows more urgency with his first touch than most United players have displaid all evening, running directly at the Lille defence before laying the ball off to Ronaldo, who is tackled.

86 mins Tafforeau becomes the latest Lille player to be booked - I would have lost count by now as to how many of them have been carded, had I been counting in the first place.

89 mins The Lille supporters merrily sing the French national anthem - they may be a bit surprised to hear the United fans joining in, unless they realise it is one of their ditties in honour of Eric Cantona.

90 mins Three minutes to be added on.

90 mins + 2 A good move by Lille ends in Debuchy whipping in a cross which Silvestre inadvertently handballs. Incredibly, no Lille players appeal for a penalty.

Full time The final whistle is met by a smattering of boos. You can excuse the incompetence and lack of entertainment and ambition for the final quarter of the match when United were down to 10 men, but not the first three quarters. Truly pathetic, but depressingly familiar. I won't apologise for those who sat through that watching it on TV - that's somebody else's job - but I will apologise to those who sat through this report. Thanks for your emails, hopefully there'll be better fare on offer tomorrow night, Mike.