TWENTY-SIX CANDLES - an account of one flawed but beautiful journey of adoption, faith, and self-discovery.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Why Miley Isn't the Problem

By now, most of you have probably heard about Miley's flesh-tone, latex display of twerking at the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards. If you have
no idea what the heck I am talking about, congratulations, you have
successfully hidden under the only rock in the US not abuzz with the raunchy,
dancing furries and foam finger molestation, or you have been focused on more
important things like Syria and Egypt. In either case, you
can find a clip here. For those of you new to the term twerking (Yes, it is
a word that makes you want to scrape your own ears out with a popsicle stick
and rinse with peroxide.), Urban Dictionary
offers these colorful definitions.

God Gives Do Overs.

I don't know about you, but my facebook feed (and I'm
sure twitter feed, if I remembered to check that thing) has been hoppin' with
helpful blog pieces about the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things that
Miley is teaching our young people, and how to talk to you daughters about
essentially not turning into Hannah Montana gone bad. And I think this stuff is
important; we should be in dialogue with our kids and teens about what is
happening in the world - Syria and celebrities.

But I think this backlash is missing the mark, or the marks,
as it were. And here's why:

(1) Most all of
it focuses on what a bad seed the former Disney star has become. Words like nasty, disgusting, and obscene are being thrown out without any accompanying
language regarding her behavior or the person herself being redeemable. I have taken part in enough
sexuality discussions with young people to know that once they have done the
deed, been labeled a tramp or a lady's man, they think there is no going back.

Somehow, we have given our youth the
impression that sexuality is bad and that sex is a one way road to Trashy Town,
and if you go out on a limb farther than maybe you'd like, you can never start
over. Our complete and utter disparaging of this 20 year-old kid's unfortunate
display of over-the-top stereotypical self-sexualization does not help the
young people who are wondering if they can ever turn back from the days of
trying to create self worth by skin exposure and openness to touching and being
touched. If Miley is just plain bad and gross, what's the hope for a young
person who deems him or herself bad or gross.

I'm not saying that we cannot condemn this
performance. It was in poor taste. She was not acting like the role model that
she has the potential to be for the millions of young people who grew up watching
her wrestle with how to talk to boys and dealing with bullies. But that cannot
be the only conversation. We must talk about how at 20, she has time to
reorient her life, how she is redeemable, how this child who has done something
that is less than beautiful is still created beautifully. And she can be
different. God gives do-overs. The Bible is filled with characters who get
fresh starts. She can have one, and if she wants one (and I'm not saying she
does, at least not yet), we need to be as gracious as our creator and provide
her the space and the grace to live into who she is created to be.

(2) When we
make this conversation all about Miley, we are missing the mark. We buy this
crap. "Blurred Lines" has become my go to running song. We tune in
(well, I didn't as I don't have cable and am frankly not hip enough to even
know it was happening) to see if Lady Gaga will wear the meat dress, if there
will be any girl-on-girl action on stage, if there is anything we can condemn
or emulate. We buy the myth that you can either be a sweetie pie,
goodie-goodie, little girl or a grown up sex pot and then rejoice in their
self-destruction. We are part of the media machine that we so hate, and we can
opt out if we choose.

But mostly, we miss the mark because we forget
that Miley wasn't the only one up on that stage. Girls' sexuality is so much the
focus of our ire. Women who have sex are dirty. Men who have sex are men. Girls
who dress to be ogled are hoes. Men who ogle are just doing what comes
naturally. This is the kind of reinforced behavior that makes it perfectly
acceptable to legislate a woman's access to birth control and reproductive
health care without engaging in balanced conversations about covering Viagra
and vasectomies. Our girls cannot win in this environment, not when they are
tots in tiaras, not in their teens or when they are coming into adulthood.

There were two people on that stage (more
than that really, but let's focus on the main two). Apparently Robin Thicke
invited Miley to accompany him on "Blurred Lines." He is a 36 year
old man. She is a 20 year old not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman. He knew what he was
asking was naughty. But for the man, getting a younger girl, a barely legal girl, is "hot". She may have twerked her booty off, licked that foam finger
like an ice cream cone and all but begged him to have sex with her on that
stage (and, no, that is not okay, and, yes, that is in incredibly poor taste), and
a grownup, who respects women, who understands that 20 is still pretty much a
kid would say, "Maybe this isn't in your best interest. Maybe you should
cover up. I respect you too much to respond when you depend upon sex to promote
your value. I'm old enough to be your father, and I wouldn't want a man to look
at my daughter the way that I see men looking at you."

We cannot have responsible conversations
with our daughters about their sexuality if we do not apply standards of
behavior to men as well. I want to see the blog entry, "How to talk with
your sons about Robin Thicke." (Update as of 4/29, that very blog entry.)

I want to close with a poem, slam poetry really. This piece
was written and performed by my fellow pastor, The Right Reverend Casey
Thompson, and myself at the Montreat Youth Conference in 2012. It couples
together this expectation of life-giving behavior for both males and
females and roots those expectations in the Gospel witness. The premise was
that God's perfection and the word's perfection are not the same thing. The
poetry is innately tied to Psalm 139's promise that we (and Miley too) are beautifully
handcrafted by God. (Not even a latex bikini can take that away from us.) And we live into that beauty by living out Jesus' citation of greatest two commandments, “You shall love the Lord your God
with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and
with all your mind; and your neighbor as yourself.” (Luke 10:27)

(As always, I am grateful to you for sharing this journey. Peace, my beautiful friends.)

13 comments:

Yes, there is much at play here - and I have been surprised that a lot of comments I have heard understand this - though maybe not have expressed this as well as you have expressed it. The saddest part in all this for me is the vast numbers of people who took part in using her to further their interests and pockets - both men and women. Nevertheless, while she is not THE problem, she has now become part of the problem. I hope Miley has some good people around her to help her identify and work though her responses and choices to all that is going on around her.

Beautifully-written and nuanced discussion of our conflicted views of sexuality. Thank you for pointing out the many contradictions in the public's attitudes towards Miley Cyrus' (cringe-worthy) performance.

Thanks Mike. I totally agree about the machine behind her choices that is getting richer as well as the part about her being a part of the problem. In fact, I almost titled this piece, "Why Miley Isn't THE Problem" or "Why Miley Isn't the Whole Problem."

I enjoyed your article, however, I think you need to broaden your focus from "the main two", to really understand beyond the mainstream white privilaged viewpoint. It seems most of the noise created by this performance has been directed at a good girl gone bad. However, what about this girl exploiting black culture to make her money, and then the media reaction that follows. Here is a link to an excellent blog about this subject that I hope you will read. http://groupthink.jezebel.com/solidarity-is-for-miley-cyrus-1203666732

Thank you for posting this. I read the Jezebel response yesterday and also think it to be quite thoughtful and indicting. And I would agree with you that I focused on a narrow swath about what has been wrong with the criticism. I have a descent amount of experience talking about and learning about white privilege, but I am embarrassed to say that I would not have picked up on the multiple layers of issues in Cyrus's performance or the VMAs as a whole without having read this piece. (I also did not watch the entire awards show) to be able to pick up on the lack of recognition of people of color. Thankfully there are people, perceptive to the varied layers of cultural critique, who together can tell this and other stories more completely. Thanks for the link. It's a really thoughtful one.

Thanks Whitney. My friend Casey, who crafted the spoken word piece with me which appears at the end, is writing the "How to Talk with Your Sons About Robin Thicke" post I was on the lookout for. I'm aiming to post it tomorrow.

I switched comment platforms, and everything went a little kookie. Lost a couple of negative comments because they were anonymous, and it knocked the timing out of order, so none of the replies appear as replies. And the Avatars are now all the same. Hopefully, I can get it figured out tomorrow. Anyway, just letting you know I didn't delete the negatives. I didn't quite agree, but their critiques were valid.

There were 2 people on the stage. Thats the ONLY thing yougot right. - One was wearing a (tasteless) zebra suit, and he wassinging and dancing. - And the other one was wearing a skimpy meat colored braand underwear, twerking, pushing her bum against his groin, wiggling her ass and making funny grimaces, sticking her tongue out and behaving like a complete idiot, believing that would make her look sexy. 1. There is no evidence Robin Thicke invited her to do this.There is no evidence that he was asking her to do “naughty”. Evidence (his reaction to the entire spectacle) suggests that he didnt even know that Miss Cyrus would be going waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over the top. 2. You expect grownups to respect women? Then start byencouraging women to acknowledge they are grownups. Insinuating that Miley Cyrus at “20 is still pretty much a kid” is even more insulting that treating a 20 year old like a 14 year old gir, and I didnt fight for Feminism to start expecting men to tell a grown woman whats “in her best interest”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!3. If I walk down the street butt naked, its my decision and its myproblem. Its not the problem of men ogling at me. 4. Miley Cyrus knew what she was doing and she wanted the attention. 5. We cannot have responsible conversations with your 20 year old daughters about maturity and sexuality if we do not start acknowledging that a) she is no more 14 and b) if she spreads her legs on stage or on bed no one but herself should be held responsible and no one but herself will save her

Hi. Thank you for posting. First off, there are many things I absolutely agree about in your post. I think some of the disagreement is semantics and some is different interpretation in how we can value one another as whole people. My reference to Robin Thick knowing what he was asking is naughty is in that she is significantly younger than him (and whether it's right or not, a person identified with youth because of her connection with Disney) and the song is about the blurred lines about a woman who "doesn't need papers" and should be "liberated" whether she is asking for it or not. It seems (but you are right, that is my perception) like he knew what he was asking toed the line of inappropriate.

The rest, I mostly agree with, which is most likely not evident in my title, as Miley is definitely part of the problem if not the whole problem. I didn't talk about personal responsibility, but I think that has been hit on in numerous other places. And yes, I think we should teach personal responsibility far younger than age 20.

But I do think that we should hold ourselves accountable for helping one another live into their best selves - not by forcing a certain code on them but by offering up different models of self expression. I don't think that men offering other suggestions for behavior takes feminism back, the same way it doesn't seem to detract from a man's sense of self if a woman offers advice. Would it be wrong woman to woman or man to man? Plus, feminism is also about men respecting women, and sometimes respect means feeling you can have an honest conversation about where value comes from. It's a slippery slope for sure, but I think we can navigate it together with a combo of grace and backbone.

Hi Shelli! As a female empowerment specialist and soon-to-be mom through foster-adopt, I deeply appreciate this blog! It captures so succinctly the conspicuous lack of focus on boys/male behavior standards and accountability. Three cheers for you!~maura barclayAuthor of Unbreakable Woman: Compassionate Self-Defense & Empowermentwww.unbreakablewoman.com

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About Twenty-Six Candles

The name "Twenty-Six Candles" comes from the number of miles in a marathon, combined with the waxy markers of human milestones. This blog documents my journey toward parenthood through adoption. It is an account of the sometimes lovely, sometimes clumsy journey of a single female, pastor, sister, runner, soon-to-be mother, and friend.

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Thank you for your interest in my journey to mommy-dom. This blog started as part of my Twenty-Six Candles Adoption Campaign. You can read more about it here, but right now, just know I'm glad you stopped by.