The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-T…

J-Train: Would you be Friends with Lebron James?

The Dallas Mavericks are NBA champions and all is right with the world. The sun has shined brighter. Music sounds better. Even the touch of your scary uncle feels softer. Good triumphed over evil – The Miami Heat have been thwarted, praise the Lord. America cheered so hard against Lebron James that it seemed personal. One of my friends even started calling him Daddy and kept yelling at the TV, “Why did you leave Mom?!” So I thought, sure, I get it, the guy is arrogant and thinks he’s bigger than the sport he plays, and better than any fan watching at home (spoiler alert: he is), but would I ever be friends with Lebron? Like everything in life, there are, of course, some Pros and Cons:

– Needy: He needed south beach. He needed Dwyane Wade. He needed Chris Bosh. Sounds like a guy who needs me to help him move. CON

– Didn’t go to college: I never have to worry about meeting Lebron’s friends who talk about the changing political spectrum and the value of a Roth IRA. Also, anytime Lebron asks me a question like – “what’s political mean?” I get to answer him with – “they teach that in college” as I pat him gently on his head. Then I’ll explain to him that college grads, on average, make one million more dollars in their career than non-grads. PRO

– People think He’s Great: Scottie Pippen (much like everyone else) keeps talking about how awesome a player Lebron is even though he’s never won the big one. Have you ever had a friend who’s good looking but has no personality? Everyone you meet keeps talking about how good looking that friend is and all you can think about is how he introduces himself with a limp dead-fish handshake and a murmur of a hello. Then you start to hate that friend, not because he isn’t a nice guy, but because everyone else can’t get past his great looks to realize his horrible personality. And then your Ex sleeps with him? That’s Lebron. CON

– He has an “interesting” Mom: Lebron’s Mom has been in the headlines quite a bit. She’s been arrested for drug possession (party animal) and it’s rumored she had a romantic encounter with Lebron’s former Teammate, Delonte West (hot). A guy with a Mom like that has to be a great time at a party and I kind of have a thing for older sassy black women. PRO

– He hates Cleveland: The most upsetting thing to Cleveland, I think, is this – he went to Miami. Had he gone to Chicago, or New York, at least they could tell themselves that he’s going to play in a larger market, with passionate fans and great tradition. But no, he went to Miami, where people barely look up from their cocaine piles long enough to learn what a double team is (it’s a movie starring Dennis Rodman and Van Damme). So essentially, Bron-bron said, that – all basketball considerations aside – he just likes Miami better. That’s a pretty rude awakening, delivered to 800,000 knuckle-dragging Clevelanders on national TV. Cleveland can pat themselves on the back all they want and claim it’s ‘a working-class city with good people and passionate fans,’ but we all know that means it’s ‘a bankrupt, industrial shell of a city with ugly people that have nothing to do but scream at their TV’s.’ I’m with King James on this one. PRO

– He can’t close: If he can’t score in the 4th quarter how do you think he does at the bar right before closing time? Imagine you and him talking up a couple of ladies and the bartender yells, “last call”. Now your trying to move the group home and he starts talking about Call of Duty, eating pizza, and erectile dysfunction. Lebron probably asks girls why they aren’t buying him drinks. CON

Final Verdict: Lebron has a friend in J-Train! Sleeping with one of my friend’s Mom is one of my tougher bucket-list items.