What the hell was I thinking going out there in the cesspool of the dating pool? AGAIN. I can’t swim. I should have just stayed on the edge of the pool dangling my feet in the water and heck, even they can be bait for sharks! Exhale.

Where is my towel? I dry myself off from inconsistency, a pattern of disappearing on the weekends, excuses, and an emotional attachment to an ex. Yuck! I need a shower. “Someone call a bus!” (Random. I’ve been watching a Blue Bloods marathon 😀 )

When you have been dating as long as I have you either are going to cycle in the same mistakes or mature and spiral up and out. You are either going to recognize what’s going on and ignore it or find power in the choice to see it and leave it. Yes. Have patience and “see” and then once you see it, believe it, and leave it. Now, back to my shower. I need to shower in silence and distance. I need to cleanse my psyche of that person being a possibility for now or forever. It just depends. I am open, but I don’t stay open to foolishness or a person that is not ready for dating seriously. And that does not make them a bad person (well the one that is not ready and has issues to resolve), it just makes them not a good match for me. It doesn’t make me perfect and without issues, it just makes me unwilling to put myself through the drama and trauma. Let’s face it. I’ve had enough at 43. I should know what I can handle and what I can’t.

Morning Pep Talk to Self: “Ain’t no turning this train around. Where you gonna turn it around at? On the side of some mountain (problem/situation)? To turn this train around in the midst of adversity would be disastrous. To lose faith, give up, right now, right here would be a major set back. Power through baby. Full speed ahead.” -Nicole to Nicole

From the Nicole that life had shaped, to my AUTHENTIC SELF, to this current LIBERATED JOURNEY so that I can be LEGENDARY, I can truly say you will be looked at strangely and misunderstood and not understood at all. If you take this journey or are living this journey you will be called weird and funny acting. My now Authentic self cares nothing about that! Once you are free, you are FREE INDEED. The Son sets you free, you set yourself free, or however you become free it is liberating to the soul. I believe there are different levels of freedom happening in our lives. Sometimes you have to free yourself. Sometimes you need help from a Higher Power and for ME that is God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and Angels. Sometimes it is just granted to you. Boom! You are free!

You are so free you will not let anyone deter you. You are so free, if it threatens your peace and love for yourself you will let go even if it hurts. You are so free, you only have time to help others and not to tear them down.

She said “I do love myself. I get my hair done, I get my nails done, I take myself out to nice places, you know, I treat myself.” Yet, she continues in a job she hates, she moves from man to man, she allows the mistreatment of her heart, mind, and body. She is unfulfilled spiritually and goes through the motions as a single parent. Question: Has it ever occurred to you that loving yourself goes DEEPER than an hour long mani and pedi? Beyond expensive purses and exotic trips?

Those things are surface and fine. However, I urge you to search for a deeper love of self that involves self worth, self esteem building and fulfilling your destiny. I urge to a deeper connection to being in the present moment with your child/children if you are single parent. I urge you to a commitment to living in the now. Seek healing from the past wounds. Discover what is you want, need and desires in a relationship and don’t accept anything less that God given. Define what a healthy relationship to you. What are your values and your morals and grow your roots in them. Take care of your body via exercise and healthier choices. Invest in quality time with the religion you have chosen. TREAT YOURSELF to a JOYFUL, expanding life and not fleeting happiness or relationships (friendships or “workships”) that are everything you DON’T desire.

I won’t set my clock back 300 years. No one is going back to a time where it was hell for some and paradise for others. The God I serve is a progressive, forward thinking God. Therefore, I cannot go backwards. We are here NOW. The only time that exists is NOW. Nature is progressive. Humans are progressive. Though some minds may be still trapped in the illusion, that somehow, by skin color they are superior. Even though, by gender, some may deem themselves smarter. Even though, by religion, some may deem themselves having the rights to God (though I am sure, you cannot own God, nor claim Spirit solely for yourself, since you didn’t create it or him or her). Even nature gets ill. Even nature has diseases. But it thrives and those that are dis-eased…die out or have to be cut out in order not to affect others. I’ll set my clock for a better future. And be prepared, to do whatever needs to be done to ensure we continue to progress.

About Nikki Confetti

A modern day Renaissance Woman. A Creative and Spiritual Being. Author of Fiction and Non-fiction. Writer. Fashion. Art. Music. Food. History. Travel. A bit of a philosopher I am told. Dreamer. Entrepreneur.