Anyway. It's his disconnection. Even examining the character before his transformation, the Doctor was...not wholly steeped in the people around him. After...

It's the age old question...if Man became God, what would happen? Remove the need for passion, for drive, remove mortality itself, and what happens?

You cease to be Man.

And what happens then?

Caring becomes a reflex. An assumed action, because you always did it that way. A put upon behavior, that, with time, erodes.

What do you do, when you look at someone that every instinct marks as friend...and you cannot recall WHY? When you no longer feel that tug of Humanity in your chest, and only because you have experienced the behavior, do you know how to treat them?

Even your enemies, people you should hate...you just feel nothing for. You look at them, and they register as Something Else. And you find...even the language begins to degrade. People say things to you, you respond...but you have no idea what was said, and you have to examine their faces, their reactions, to determine if you said the right thing, with no concept of what that right thing is.

Would be nice if this disconnection came with SOME kind of consolation prize. But I'm not painting myself blue and walkin' around nekkid JUST yet.

This is me here now Pining like a dog, whining like a dog in a thick harbour fog Waiting for a shipMaking sick And when the ship comesIn trouble His trouble will begin

And the church bells chime the colour of wine And the angels devil fight to snatch back the lost time

And there's a man lying down with a blade somewhere

With the same tattoos as me

Tonights tune is Tattoo'd Man by Coil.

Let's see, today, today...got two new pairs of pants, and some overpriced socks. Made dinner for Vicki, Dan, and Steve. Decided I was going to reboot my MySpace, and yes...finally capitulate and get a friggin Facebook. The email address for it is going to be monk (izat)scybermonk.net, so get on the bandwagon early! However, don't be sad when you don't see anything. It's gonna be a bit yet.

I think my biggest issue is that, on a whole, I do not understand People. Individiaul Persons, I can read like a book. Seriously, leave me alone with someone longer than a few minutes, and provided I am not blinding myself because I don't want to see something, I will have ferreted out just about any secret they have, every strength, every weakness. It's why I am such an effective fighter, and such a good friend.

It's also why I am a complete arrogant IDIOT, because there are ALWAYS a few times when I see a behavior similar to something else, and just assume it's the same thing. Which is how I get blind-sided again, and again, and again. Also, I will see something, and desperately want to not see it, and so, magically, I don't. What happens next?

BIG RED TRUCK!

Like, one, of you will get that. Ah well.

I just don't get me. I have all these dedecutive reasoning powers, and when I need them the MOST, when they would save me worlds of heartache and pain, I casually toss them aside, because I want to believe, SO STRONGLY, that what I see before me is genuine, strong, and real....and not pathetic and weak, like it always turns out to be. Not full of filth and scorpions, waiting to strike the SECOND a better opportunity comes along.

I'm become so chipper in my old age!

I made twice baked potatoes tonight. They are much better when the bacon does not come pre- smoked, you get a lot more of the grease to put into the mashed up tater mix. And they are so easy to make! Really, the only thing you have to do is wait, and then avoid burning your hands on the NUCLEAR potatoes that come out.

Got a pic of Achilles today, being OHSOHAPYTHATDADDIESHOMEYAAAAY which is at the bottom of this entry. I got some other pics too, but I will just link those and you can tell me yer thoughts.

I will keep the camera handy tonight, and get a pic of his face when I first wake up, so you can see what I see...the happiest dog on EARTH letting me know juuuust how much he loves me.

Happy puppy is seriously fucking happy.

What else, what else...er...that's about it, really. Nothing new or exciting to report, to be honest.

Oh, however, I DO need to find a good tattoo artist. If anyone knows one, please fling them at me. I am not sure if I discussed it already, and I am farrrrrr too lazy to look, but I am planning on two tat's, a tearaway showing a circuit board for upper right arm, and a normal tribal, but rather than it being solid lines, have those lines composed of small binary. heh. The second one should be easy enough, but I would like to see it first.

Don't cry,There's always a wayHere in November in this house of leavesWe'll prayPlease, I know it's hard to believeTo see a perfect forest

Through so many splintered trees

Still can't sleep. I stare at my ceiling, hoping that tonight, my eyes will slide shut, and Morpheus will wander around and knock me the frell out. But that black bastard is too busy saving Neo's pale ass to come 'round here anymore, it seems. Eventually, I do get some sleep, a few hours, but again, I think that's more my brain seizing and failing than genuine sleep.

But as long as I excercise when I wake, and drink my shake and coffee, I am capable of appearing to be a rational, well, as rational as I get...human...well, as human as I get...being.

Sorry, too petered out for a good comment on the being thing.

Made chicken marsala for myself, and my friends Judas and Krystle. It was a bit sweet, but I blame that on the wine I was using. And even so, a little salt and lawrys, and it was all good.

Made chicken and dumbling soup for Tash, her boyfriend, and her roomies. It was good, and, plus, they had never had drop dumplings before. Double score.

Then we played lunch money. I was reduced to hit points early on, and then, through careful manuever and playing all of them off of each other, won.

That's right. At the end, I had literally -1- hit point.

See, MY lunchmoney is played slightly more....catastrophiclly than it is normally.

Normally, when you play a Humiliation, you only play one damage card, and it negates whatever they were doing.

In mine? You HAVE to empty our hand of damage cards on the unfortunate little pigtailed schoolgirl you are blasting into the lower atmosphere. And describe it. With insults.

It's a good thing.

Anyway! Tonight's song is an old favorite of mine, to which I was very happy to hear, Haunted by Poe.

It took me three tries to close that bold tag. I had /o at first, then o, then b. THEN /b. Good god, I'm melting.

Song...on repeat...love...ahhh...

Vicki was over tonight. Hung out, had dinner, she washed her clothes, it was calm.

What else is new...OH! I gots me a new camera. 8 mp. It's nice. I may even take some photos with it. Likely more of PSYCHOTHEPUPPY than of me. Because, well...Achilles is FARRRR cuter than me.

One sec, gotta kill the heater.

Much better. Vicki doesn't generate her own heat, you see. You have to wear layers if you hug her, lest you get frostbite.

I just sat staring at my screen for fifteen minutes as I tried to remember what these funny little things on this computer did. Apparently, they are letters on keys. Oh boy.

Work is fine, very boring right no as very few people are coming in. Apparently, they are learning to use Google.

One poor woman...I did a full viral removal and re-install for her not two weeks ago.

Cost her a fortune.

Two weeks later, she has virus' again because she decided to go with AVG.

*sigh*

Eris have mercy, because you know I don't.

Not sure what else to say, to be honest. I see things around me growing in corruption and lies, and I see things withering and dying in truth, and I have to wonder, what's the point? The virtuous do not propser, the Right do not succeed, and those who stay true to Virture...are stepped on by those who do not. Lies are the only fertilizer that seems to work on the soil of betrayl that everything seems planted in, nowadays.

Nice guys finish last because assholes finish first.

Look around you. The victories gained by being moral, upright, and solid in your ways? How long do they last before they are swept aside as nothing by those who take a lower path? Sure, you have the nice feeling of knowing your a 'better person', but that panacea fails to live up to to the pain of looking around, and realizing that nothing, NOTHING you are doing as a GOOD PERSON is getting you ANYWHERE. And if they play their cards right, well...no comeuppence ever comes. The crime is forgotton, buried, and moved past, providing the pavement for the truck to roll right over you again, and again, and again.

I am the crack of your voice(Static in the sound)I am the bias in your choice(Your lack of common ground)I am the shadow in the noise(Love never found)I scorch the groundI scorch the ground

you walk on

So yes. I believe there is a cut off switch in my brain. It triggers at exactly midnight. I say that because right now my brain feels like it is about as awake as it normally gets. But I can look back..more or less...on evenings when I tried to think past midnight...and nothin'. It just doesn't work.

Ooo, mad world just came on. I like this song too.

Oh right! Tonights song is Scorch the Ground by Seabound. It's a good tune.

Once, just once, I want a Weird Al tune to crop up when I flick open my WinAmp and hit Next. Because that's how I do it. I hit next, and bam, there ya go. Obviously, the PL is on random.

You know what I hate? When the chemical funkiness of lack of sleep starts to build up. For instance, if I sit still for too long, like I am doing now, everything starts to...tilt...slightly...to...theleftohgodi'mfallingover!

I am now typing on my left side. If you were here, you would be laughing, a lot. And I would be making rude, but useless, gestures in your general direction.

Made a giant burgerthing tonight. Cooked some onions, sliced some cheese (ha ha, potty brains), had me some cow. Was nummy.

But you know, I have yet to get any kind of bonus, for any amount of time, for being Well Fed. At all. I just get the Full Tummy debuff, which lowers intelligence and limits movement. Dammit.

My friend Sara, who is in her hometown of Helsinki, apparently just got a boob upgrade. It's all she talks about. Like a new car, or pet, every third word out of her mouth is "New Boobs!". But, bless her heart...for no reason at all, she's apparently gotten me a gift, that I am supposed to figure out when she gives it to me. Her friend Alicia, who went with her and ALSO got her chest piece upgraded, apparently doesn't understand it, so I am a little worried, as my current intellect level is pretty pisspoor right now.

But still, she got me a gift, albeit a likely demented, twisted, and in some way perverted gift. Warms the heart.

Played WoW today with Heather, got her in the Guild, yay!...apparently she already plays on my server, which was awesome, but makes me wonder how many other people I know play there. I know of one other person who plays there, but we don't really talk anymore, and she always preferred Alliance anyway, and I am all boutybouty the Horde.

Ran full tilt into a wall today. Was chasing Achilles with the Moose, and my brain said to my body...

"INCOMING WALL! EVASIVE MANUEVERS!"

To whit, my body replied...

"TACO'S!"

And there was much careening. I laughed, Achilles pounced me and we had a tussel, all good.

Had indian for lunch. FOUR PIECES OF CHICKEN. I was pissed. Shoulda gone with sushi.

Asterick.

And oter than that...yeah, not much!

Now, to go stare at my ceiling until 4.

Oh, and Kutsu, sorry about today. I missed yer call, and wasn't really in a company sort of mood.

Because I sure don't. Heh. Tonights song is by The Azoic, and it's called Not Justified. It's a good tune, lots of various permutations out there. Good tune.

Crap, I'm doing it again, making entries after midnight. It's not a good thing.

Because I make spelling errors. And then, I fail to catch them. And Heather finds them. And using her mighty brain, and her icon, she makes me look even sillier.

*shakey fist*

Anyway. Moving on.

I have decided I need a camera. I am going to start saving my optithingies so I can get one. The camera on my phone is not bad, but there's no way to set it up as a tripod, and I have some ideas that require a MUCH steadier hand than I currently possess.

Seriously, I'm like a leaf in a cyclone if I am not focused on it. Which, of course, in my sleep depped state, means I can focus on precious little else, so if you thought I was absent minded before....well, if you did, it's worse! Or something.

You know, I've done some pretty crappy things in my time. But at leeast I can take solace in the fact that nothing, NOTHING I ever did was as bad as those two wastes of skin. Seriously, you do absolutely everything for a person, and then...WHAM. It boggles the mind. But it's ok. I don't wish the either of you any ill will. The Universe will provide me with all the vengence I need, I merely need to wait for the opportunity to destroy you to make itself available, and then....well, then, I get the popcorn. And you get the shaft.

Today was maddeningly boring. We made as much profit as I have made on a single job, and had maybe five people through the door. Maybe. I could be insane. It's going to be worse for Drew tomorrow, because I did all the service work.

I think I am starting to get the hallucinaties. I kept thinking I was seeing little black things skitter across the very edge of the techbench, and it happened last night too, just before I got my customery 3 hours of sleep. And I kept hearing my phone going off, which is odd, because I rarely, if ever, have its sound on. So yeah. I'm going crazy, wheeee!

Fell off my balcony the other day, too. It sucked. I was leaning over the edge, not far, just the typical arms on the railing, lean out and smell the morning air...and then, my entire balance tipped, and so did I. It would have looked hilarious as this 6'2 guy goes feet over frown off the edge.

Luckily, I am nigh-invulnerable, it's only ten feet, I landed on my back, and it's all grass.

Had a nasty headache, though. Neck hurts too. Worst of all, I had to change my shirt.

Thankfully, that seems to be the only random thing that has hurt me thus far, oo, except that when I yawn, my entire perspective shifts violently to the right. That can't be good.

I think that the three hours I am getting is proving to be barely sufficient to keep me ambulatory, but that the chemicals that are suppoed to be dispersed during sleep are building up. I should look it up!

Went over to Bears, played a few rounds of Lunchmoney. It was good. He offfered me a burger, it was DELICIOUS. Which, coming from me, is saying a lot, because I don't normally like any burger but mine. But he had shallots in it, as well as regular onions, salt, pepper, and curry powder.

Yeah, curry powder!

It was nummy.

I brought fries and my Lawrys, and left the Lawrys there for him to use.

It was good. Mostly. It's getting harder to keep things under wraps, and I know that's a direct result of my lack of sleep, and that's beginning to annoy me.

And overBeen over this beforeSo over thisBeen over thisSo over thisBeen over this

So over this before

I promise these songs are random. I couldn't...feel quite comfortable with any song cropping up, so I fell back onto a practice that I have been engaging in more and more.

See, about a year ago, I found a little black dice, six sider, with dots for the numbers, in white. Found it outside a gas station. Recently, I have added it my Spot. Don't ask. Unless you wanna. And, in keeping with a movie I saw recently, I am, on occasion, asking it questions, and allocating possible answers to the numbers, and rolling it.

And that's how I arrived at the song for tonights entry. Which, by the by, is Over, by A Perfect Circle.

Anyway...er...having some fun on WoW, and that's good. Still not sucked into it, but it does provide me with a needed outlet. Dealt with a truly idiotic customer who didn't quite understand that one has to plug a moniter into power in order to get it to turn on. Oi.

Discovering also that there is more to Eisbrecher than Fanatica. Though Fanatica is still awesome. I have also found a comfortable working relationship with my lack of sleep. I drink a LOT of coffee before work, and while at work, I keep the caffiene going with energy drinks, as long as I promise my overchemicled body some no moving time when I get home, then I am functioning.

But I would like to sleep.

Ooo, slow version of Forever. This is nice...

Had a chat with Bear, started the patching up process, was good. Will be good to fix things up with him.

It's a balance thing, I guess. Someone left my life who deserves nothing but my contempt, and someone comes back who deserves my friendship. We'll see how it works out.

Should be easy, as I don't go anywhere anymore. heh.

I just yawned so hard my jaw cracked. ow.

Vixen got Achilles a moose. This moose has a squeaker in each of its paws, and this...weird...moose-gland-bladder thing...that makes moosing noises...when he eats it. It's funny.

Don't read into the song choices TOO much. It's what I am listening to at the time. Now...whether or not that song is there, randomly, on my WinAmp playlist of over 300 gigs of music, or if I happening to be listening to it because I sought it out specifically...well, you figure that one out. I'm giving you everything else, and a guy has to have SOME secrets, yeah? Anyway, the song is Hide And Seek by Imogen Heap. It's another of those Songs that screws with me a bit.

Well, dammit. I tried, but that confession is going to have to wait, I guess. I just erased quite a lot fo text. Mainly because I'm not sure how to put it in such a way that won't make all of you look at me...differently.

No. I'm not dying, though it sure ain't fer lack of trying.

I'm not gay either, so, Pat, put it away.

Anyway, moving on. I find it difficult for me to write, lately, which is...not good. I like writing. I do. But despite the acute depression and disconnection I'm currently dealing with, I cannot seem to channel that into wordsmithing. Used to be ale to, can't anymore. Still can't sleep, and that's getting to be more and more of a problem, as I am beginning to lose lrge chunks of my short term memory. For instance, I have no idea how I made money at work today, but I know I did.

But I don't...really remember today. At all. Or Friday. Or Thursday. Now, having looked up sleeping crap on Google...yay google...I am at least relieved to know that my massive memory loss, or rather, inability to retain, is a direct effect of me not sleeping. So, if I can fix the lack of sleep, I can fix the mindlessness.

So, what did I do today...woke, went to work, came home, ate. Ran around the house like a lunatic with Achilles. Worked on this, and some art. Lord only knows when I will lay down.

We all suffer for our art.

I've decided I want cookies. Sadly, I have none. At all. I could make some, but that involves a level of effort I cannot see myself putting into anything at this point. Seriously. My ass is a part of this couch.

One day you'll hold your headSo dark and withered deadWish you were hereA simple task to feedOf unforgiven greedWish you were here

I found out how to be perfect for you my dearWhile I was bumping around Bumping around

You dont wanna to face me when youYou dont wanna to make me when youYou dont wanna to take me when you

You dont wanna to face me when youYou dont wanna to make me when youYou dont wanna to take me when you

Fail

Ah yes, Tricky's You don't wanna. It' labeled as hiphop, and yet I hear it played in goth clubs. Which, considering it's lyrical content...well, it's pretty obvious as to why. Plus, it's a fantastic song to dance to, and to watch others dance to. You can do a variety of different kinds of dances to it, from agressive, to slow, to simple...hell, it REALLY goes well served with a glass of a Liquid.

Some will get that, others will need an explination.

So! Anyway!

What have I done, what have I accomplished today...well, was told that my police report will 'Take as long as it takes'. Oi. So, while paperwork is pushed through, I am annoyingly being made to wait in the wings.

I cleaned. Which is actually fun. And ate stew. Goooood stew. And enjoyed a day where Achilles was actually quite well behaved, as opposed to his usual OHMYGODI'MAPUPPYANDICAN'TSTOPRUNNINGAROUNDINCIRCLESANDCRASHINGINTOTHINGS! antics.

Apologies to anyones screen whom I broke.

It's really funny when he tries to take off running in the house. See, it's all-wooden floors here. So, for about a half a second, he is literally running in place, Acme Road Runner style. It's hilarious.

Also. Something else that I was ging to put into my last entry, but did not...I have discovered The Truth. The real Secret.

-Awful fashion sense.-Smell funny.-Drink a LOT of alchohol.-Travel in packs.-Often cannot see out of one eye.

Clearly, Emos are Pirates.

And thus, it is explained. Now, you can rest easy.

And yes, this is a deviation from my typical stance on the Emo 'movement'. I do not believe it to be seperate from Goths. They are retarded Babybats. That's it. That's all. Just because there's a lot more of them than there used to be...doesn't mean they get thier own label. Get back on the bus, sit down, and...well, you know the rest.

Excerpt from Red Star, by Birthday Massacre. I have sort of a love/hate relationship with this song, and the memories it brings up. But it is a nice song, and the girls voice is lovely, and thus, it is worthy of inclusion.

Had a good day, ish. Made some headway in my brain, and that's good. Made stew, and that was good as well. I love beef stew. It's comfort food, and as the doc says, apparently, comfort=stew. Stewing in my own comfort? Comforting my stew? Who knows.

Went and saw Harry Potter today...see, I've promised Vixen I would take her to all the Potter films, and even though things between us are not...as they were...I find that keeping my promises is a healthy thing. Thus, I'm doing it.

Even though I am...not a fan. heh.

I realllly love stew.

Also, I am playing WoW again. No all that fervently, it's...just not somehting I am that into. But I do enjoy playing with friends, and having my own Guild where only friends are members is good fun.

So, if you find yourself on WoW, on the Cenarion Circle serve, Horde side...send a msg to Nixot, Nihilate, or Graanid. Those are my C's.

I refuse to call them toon's. I hate that expression.

I wonder if I will sleep again tonight. I slept last night. It was nice. I want to sleep, but here I sit at one am...and not even a little sleepy. This sucks.

Oh well, it gives me more time to learn Flash, and try to find a work around for this damnable self-writing text issue.

Mm, stew. Achilles got some stew tonight, on his food. He DEVOURED it, seriously, I'm surprised he didn't choke. But he liked it so much he licked the bowl clean. He loives his food almost as much as I love mine, and he is always so happy to eat. Growing boy, I guess.

Somehting else a dear friend said to me is sticking in the forefront of my brain.

Possibly because of the song I chose tonight. Who knows.

"The most amazing star will not go undiscovered for long. And perhaps the first one to see it and not claim it will have to deal with that."

The book of love is long and boringNo one can lift the damn thingIt's full of charts and facts and figures And instructions for dancingBut II love it when you read to meAnd you

You can read me anything

Now, I'm not a huge Peter Gabriel ("I'm not Peter Gabriel, I'm Gabriel Byrne!"), but I love this song, to pieces. It's on the last episode of the 8th season of Scrubs, and right now, it really expresses what I'm thinking and feeling. The song is called Book Of Love, and if you haven't heard it...go get it. By whatever means required. It's a very simple, powerful song.

I love cookies in a tube. Had some today. Both cooked and uncooked. Very yummy. Achilles is absolutely insane, still, but that's ok. He' a Doberman puppy. And I am not sure he is actually aware that he is, in fact, a dog! Seriously. He doesn't bark at other dogs, he doesn't even seem to care about them. Just seems confused by them, and looks at me, as if to say..."Dad? What the hell are these four legged weirdo's saying? I want a cheeseburger."

Most of his looks end with "I want a cheeseburger." He learned this behavior from the cat. I think that Zen is also directly responsible for his "I'm still a tiny puppy!" behavior, like trying to crawl into my lap, or fit in small places.

Zen is a very bad influence.

The house is clean, my Space is set up, my games play correctly, and my solitude is only interrupted by sad Vixens who get sad.

It's pretty good, for the most part.

Granted, my lack of ability to sleep or really taste anything is begnning to get to me. Alot. Now my legs are acting up. Wheee.

...I see my father gently wavin'clutching all I believe inI whisper my farewell

Send the last ship home.

Send the faithful home.

Send the last ship home.

Send the faithful home.

That's an excerpt from Last Ship, by Rotersand. The version I am listening to is the Rearranged one, and it is...excellent. Everything a technodustrial song should be, and has everything a song of this nature should have. Concise lyrics with many interpretations, a clear beginning, middle, and end point to the story told by the song, and a grinding underbass that refuses to let you remain still. Even as I type this, parts of me are dancing at random.

It makes typing difficult.

So, anyway, news. Hrm. Well, thanks to certain people in my life, I've decided to become a hermit. If you really wanna know, and you havn't wrangled the story out of me already, feel free to ask. But I want to do my best to keep my joural free of the craaaaaap that littered the old journal.

So, I have decided to, yet again, rip down my website, and re-build it, which is why it only has the self typing text right now. Which was fun to code...and FAR EASIER than doing it in Flash.

Speaking of, if anyone DOES know how to code in Flash, and knows a simple way to code self typing text into a Flash file...because man, creating keyframe after keyframe in a classic tween for each damn letter...no...let me know. I could use the help.

So, anyway, I'm on Holidays! Been using that time to set up the house, cleaning out one room, moving stuff into another, setting up a sacred space, chasing the dog around the neighborhood, making some art, writing, that kind of thing.

Enjoying the Silence, as a certain goth band would say.

Still can't sleep. I get maybe 2-3 hours a night, but for the most part, I cover up, inhale my incense, and stare at my ceiling until my eyeballs register the slowly increasing volume of light in the room.

Tell you what, it's doing my head in. I keep hearing random little noises, like the door chime at work, or my phone's vibrate setting going off, random stuff like that. Also, bodytwitches are up, a LOT. It's aggravating. Someone hit me in the back of the head with a brick.

Maybe several. Hundred. Thousand.

I have also discovered the Philosophers Stone of cooking. Italian Dressing. That's right. It goes wih anything you might be cooking. Hell, I just baked a half dozen baby red potatos, in nothing but 2 cups of water, and a cup of italian dressing. I then mashed them up and combined the mash with the remaining liquid. It was AWESOME. And surprisingly filling.

Granted, this doesn't work so well if you don't like italian dressing. But I don't know anyone who doesn't, and even if you don't, try it anyway. The flavor changes while it bakes.

Anyway, this is the first update of hopefully many. We'll see how it goes.