Local

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

GRAND BLANC, MI—In updates that reportedly were becoming both increasingly frequent and less interesting with every new addition, local woman Kate Morris was now just typing her 4-year-old child’s every word verbatim throughout the day as Facebook posts, sources said Thursday.

CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday.

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur.

PENSACOLA, FL—With everything becoming more and more clear the deeper she dug, local Oceanside Heights Condominium board member Carl Langford began to suspect Tuesday that a bylaw cover-up might go all the way to Deb.

DES MOINES, IA—Saying he planned to hold off for another 20 or 30 years and then assess where things stand, local man Trevor Russell was reportedly waiting to see how a few more decades of racial violence played out before taking any action, sources confirmed Monday.

SAN JOSE, CA—Searching for affordable items to furnish their modest single-room dwellings, the ‘Dorm Room Essentials’ aisle at a local Target was reportedly being browsed Monday exclusively by 30-year-old men with studio apartments.

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

ALLENTOWN, PA—Recognizing that their child is old enough now to have such an important conversation, local parents Nick and Karen Yates reportedly sat down with their 10-year-old son Nathaniel on Monday to have the ‘Sex, Lies, and Videotape’ talk.

TROY, AL—Explaining that the degree of care with which it must be handled has been steadily decreasing over time, local man Peter Shepard confirmed Monday that his laptop had reached the age where it can be lightly tossed sometimes.

WILDER, KY—Distraught over being separated from his comforting, scaly touch, area woman Anika Mitkin told reporters Saturday that she longed for the caress of her boyfriend’s dry, cracked, bleeding hands.

SUNNYVALE, CA—Expressing their concern at the man’s unsettling behavior, uneasy Internet users reported Saturday that some “total creep” has just been hanging around the Entertainment Weekly website all day long.

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—All semblance of harmony lost in the maelstrom of books, electronics, and random keepsakes that lay before him, local man Ron Beck reportedly became grimly aware of what chaos he had wrought 20 minutes into organizing his bedroom shelves Wednesday.

FULLERTON, CA—Having grown up seeing few characters he could relate to on the big screen, local man Jake Champney, who once jumped a motorcycle onto a hijacked bullet train, told reporters Tuesday that he never thought he’d see the day when Hollywood would tell stories like his.

CINCINNATI—Stunning observers with the reckless and arrogant overextension of their modest business, local restaurant Angelo’s Pizzeria was making a foolhardy attempt at a second location, sources reported Monday.

BAKERSFIELD, CA—Citing the frequent and unnecessary missives sent out at all hours of the day, sources confirmed Friday that the league representative from the company Bakersfield Sportz needed to cool it with all the emails.

HUDSON, NY—Saying he felt compelled to personally respond to the actions of a president he views as vicious and corrupt, local dipshit Scott Rudnick announced Thursday his intention to fight the Trump administration through his art.

If You Ever Need Somebody To Stand Around And Not Contribute, You Know Where To Find Me

Look, we've been friends a long time, and this probably goes without saying, but I'm gonna say it anyway. I want you to know that anytime you really need my help—anytime at all—you can count on me to just sort of show up, hang out for a while, and not really do anything productive or supportive.

It's no skin off my nose to stand around and not pitch in at all.

We've been through so much together that I just I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'll always be there—in the most literal sense of the word "there"—when something comes up that absolutely needs to get done. Say the word, and I will happily put in an appearance, making myself as useful as any other inanimate object in the room.

No need to thank me. When you have a pizza party and invite everyone over to help paint your living room, the only thanks I'll need is the opportunity to enjoy a few slices with my pals while I fail to contribute a single brushstroke and accidentally get wing sauce on a freshly painted wall.

I mean it, man. I love you like a brother I would never actually lift a finger for.

Of course, I'll do much more than simply get in everyone else's way while they're trying to help out. When you're moving, or installing laminate flooring, or putting together your kid's bike, besides just standing idly by, I'll be there to provide a constant stream of advice so inane and obvious you'll pull your hair out and grind your teeth down to nubs trying not to scream at me to shut the fuck up.

That's what friends like me are for.

I can honestly say there isn't a significant event in your life I wouldn't love to be present for, either to have no discernible impact upon it, or to somehow make it slightly worse.

Come what may, I'll do my damnedest not to help, primarily because you always buy beer. But there will be occasions when I won't be able to stick around the whole time being useless. In fact, there will be a lot of instances, especially those involving drywall, where I'll only be able to show up for the last 10 minutes, by which point there'll be nothing much left to do anyway. Except drink beer.

I hope you know that I'm always prepared to go above and beyond for you. When you truly need me most, old friend, that's when I'll stop puttering around, buckle down, and completely fuck up whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. You can depend on it.

I'm good for more than just avoiding the big physical tasks, you know. Remember when your mom got into that really bad car accident? And I met you at the hospital? And you cried and poured your heart out to me for like 15 minutes before I finally interrupted you and asked if the cafeteria was still open? I can do that any time.

And if, God forbid, something should ever happen to you, I vow to you right now that I'll be there for your family in their time of need, relaxing on the sofa, making perfunctory attempts at condolences, and adding a sense of painful awkwardness to their already unbearable grief.

In the end, brother, when they lay you to rest, I'll be right there alongside the pallbearers, telling those guys it looks like they have everything under control, so if it's all the same to them I'll just go ahead and take my seat.

More from this section

ALLENTOWN, PA—Recognizing that their child is old enough now to have such an important conversation, local parents Nick and Karen Yates reportedly sat down with their 10-year-old son Nathaniel on Monday to have the ‘Sex, Lies, and Videotape’ talk.

TROY, AL—Explaining that the degree of care with which it must be handled has been steadily decreasing over time, local man Peter Shepard confirmed Monday that his laptop had reached the age where it can be lightly tossed sometimes.

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.