just to chime in Gretta and hope. I was 5 years into my marriage before I told my wife anything, and MUCH longer before I told the rest as I know it. I didn't intentionally hide it in the sense that I was keeping it from HER I simply kept it from EVERYONE it was NOT up for discussion period. 5 years later things were pretty strained mostly from stupid actions and violent outbursts( I never hit her though) just caused her to fear. I just want to say so often this crap doesn't make sense to ME either and I cant even promise to react the same way every time. I am sorry that it didn't work out Gretta I just was hoping you didn't think it was intentional.I expect it wasn't for me I wanted to keep this all AWAY from my family I didnt want it to pollute their lives too. There are still secrets between my wife and I that she doesn't know and now we are at 27 years together. it is not that I don't trust her but it changes things it ALWAYS changes things and I never wanted it to be her burden.just my thoughts

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Either I will find a way, or I will make one.Philip Sidney

The question has come up from time to time here on MS should I tell the person I am dating or marrying that I have been abused and the answer is YES!!!

It's not really that simple. I was told very early in my relationship with my H, but he told it in such a straightforward, nonchalant way that it came across to me that this confident, charismatic person had something horrible happen to him and he overcame it.

It was only much, much later that I was able to string together all the signs: suicidal thoughts, fear of children, cutting, affairs, and extreme porn use as a comprehensive picture of the effect his CSA had on him. I couldn't have understood that 13 years ago, even 5 years ago.

Knowing what I know now, I am not sure I would have stayed. I do know I would have done/handled things so very differently. But that is only with the full knowledge of CSA is and its life long effects. And really, who could possible know this casually??

Someone wrote in this forum recently that they think their H is with them only out of a sense of safety. Boy did that ring bells with me. I know my husband loves me, but I too wonder if it isn't really only of out a sense of comfort. I am not sure I am loved in the way I deserve to be loved. I consider that a separate issue though. CSA is not responsible for all the things that have gone wrong in this marriage.

So, circling back, yes, I think CSA survivors should tell as soon as they are able, but even that knowledge up front doesn't necessarily do anything for the spouse/partner. It does, however tend to amplify all the other typical problems of a relationship.

Newground everyone is different and I hear what you are saying. The question has come up from time to time on discussion boards and I think if you are aware, it's a good idea to let the person you are marrying know. If they can't handle it, they can't handle it. Its better to know from the start. I don't know how much my husband knew or didn't know when we got married. He said the memories started about 7 years ago. I have no reason not to believe him.

I wish he had trusted me enough to tell me when it first started to happen. I feel like things would have been different. To much water under the bridge now.

My husband had violent out bursts and was mostly not physical but to this day I live in fear of him when he's angry. It's not even like it happened that many times but enough to make me fearful. It's hard to live in fear. Since he quit drinking I do feel safer.

Remember many victims do not trust themselves. We can harbor guilt and believe we allowed the abuse to happen. If we cannot trust ourselves we cannot trust others. Since I have accepted the abuse and accept I was not responsible for what happened because I was a child I am able to share what happened. I trust myself and being in this state keeps me in the present and not escaping to an unknown place. Love of self is empowering and victims lack the ability to love who they are.

Awesome post KMC. Sometimes even that lack of trust feels so personal, it all does at times.

I know we all hav discussed this so many times.......how we would have liked to be told before marriage. The truth is for me, I would have been ok, cool, lets get married anyway. I wouldn't have possibly have known what it meant and how it would show it's ugly head and take over so much of our lives. I think I would have been totally na´ve (and I am much too old to be na´ve) If my husband would have said oh yea, I am an alcoholic too. I would have said cool, just quit and we will be fine. (all wrong, quitting doesn't take the issues away that got him there). If he would have told me "oh yea, I am a sex addict too" I would have thought that meant he would want to have sex with me every day and I would have been okay with that. I just wouldn't have known what any of it meant. Of course, if he would have told me the whole truth and what it all meant and how it played out in his everyday life, I would have run. The financial crap, the lies, the sexual acting out (in extgremely dark dark ways) are things that I would have never been able to grasp anyway but it sure would have been appreciated so I could at least have had the opportunity to make educated, informed decisions about my life.

I can't imagine my husband saying I was raped as a child. This is how it plays out in my life..... I am very in debt from my drinking which I have been hiding from you all these years and I am a sex addict addicted to masturbation prostitutes anonymous acting out, phone sex etc etc. that is the truth. that would have allowed me to make good informed decisions about my life but it didn't happen that way at all. for that I am sad and angry.

My point is if you are going to tell befor you marry, it is important to tell all. Otherwise, we might not GET it and what it means.

hey again I am so totally on your side in this. Although I am ashamed to say there seems no resolution really, I am beginning to grasp the abuse, its effects on me,what that means in my life and my families life and unfortunately that continues to mean hiding some parts of me that shame me. T told me that the message in that is "I don't trust you with my stuff" maybe that is the truth I don't know, but what I know is I want it to go away. I have always wanted that. I don't want to share it hell,I don't want it myself! and I don't even know exactly what "it" is. My heart breaks for you all in this,for US all, and I wish it were different with all I have. I just wanted to let you know, I do agree with you it would be best to lets someone know first... I'm just not sure its possible.

Edited by newground (09/17/1304:30 PM)Edit Reason: typos

_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.Philip Sidney

I realize the obstacles to being honest and opening yourself up to someone. I just try and think what could we have done to NOT get to his point? if he told me sooner I could have had a keener eye to his bad/strange behavior. I just hope that if someone younger starting a relationship considers letting their wife to be in on some of the secret it might help them in the long run. All the info is overwhelming on everyone but an idea is not a bad idea.

I guess what I find sad is that I don't know If I ever really knew him and if he ever really loved me. Again this is as much an issue of how he was raised as his abuse. Our marriage falling apart was not just the abuse.

hey gretta I cant speak for your husband, but if he is anything like me and many I have talked to, he loves you more than you can imagine. I cant even describe the fear I had in beginning a relationship with my wife.I don't to this day really know why she chose to be with me but she saved my life. I was soooo terrified of so many things and while I tried to hide my frustration even then it was a battle worse than anything I had up to then but I wanted to be with her and I wanted it to work I do love her. even though my head goes nuts sometimes I know that much.hope that helps Jeff

_________________________
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.Philip Sidney

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