Originally posted by Acheron:fayman, your situation is different. You knew what you were getting into, and have established a relationship with your step-daughter based upon honest and legitimate parameters.

You have not been a victim of paternity fraud.

What is considered paternity farud ? Is there such a thing? as of today I have been a upstanding father to my daughter. To find out and wreck my whole world that my daughter is not mine. Knowing that my X knew this an never brought it to my attention that there was a source that she knew could have been her fatherI live a life of hell with thius woman with her garnishing my wages to having the court have mew pay them when in fact she was never denied child support by me nor was never not payed.( I myself cant stand a dead beat dad). But need to say even with me paying the court she still argued with me when she didnt get her support from the court. Putting a life of stressan making my bitter towards her even more from the divorce which i fiuled due to the fact i had belife she was cheating . Now to say i never wanted to belive that this child was not mine so i never questioned it but wanted to belive it.. To make this long story short as of this day today my life gets shattered by her saying that this is not my daughter. that they did a DNA test 23 years later and now wants tio say shes not mine > my daughter is bitter with her mom now that she never steped up to say that there is another posability sghe had a different father. This child now had a delima to face as well as i do. My bitterness to the mother is that which i dont regret that i payed child support to a money hungry mother if thats what you want to call her. BVut that she let me and put me through pure hell for iut that she can get away with that. if knew every dime was spent on this child i would not have any remorse to it but i know in my heart that this so mother did this for her benifit. not my daughters. Im nbot hi class well financed person at all in fact My life savings that was left to me from my father and mother in there divorce was how i payed my childsupport if it wasent for that thomes would have been even harder but as of now my life saving are gone anw my life gets crushed to find out that she not my daughter and that this man is now a part of her life at my expence all because this woman didnt want to put it on the table that she was a cheater so now we both have to live with shattered lives but TO MY Daughter YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MINE AN WILL BE LOVE TILL MY DEATH as for her mom i never thought i could wish bad on someone but i hope she rots in hell

Also wanted to say sorry about all typos im a crapy typer one finger typer and iot out runs my brain causing miss spells and words with extra letters ans words that are run together SO, SO TO any one thats offended by pplz typos SORRY

I'm paying child support for a kid that isn't mine.I was pissed at first when I got the DNA test back, but then came to realize that I'm the best thing for her. I figure I'm going to prepare her for the world before I kick her out.I don't want to tell her, and I sure as hell don't want to tell her mother nor the biological father.I feel I should but not for the time being.One day I'm going to pass down the family farm and I really don't want to tell her in my will. So, as long as its before then.

I think a woman having a kid that she KNOWS may not belong to her spouse, and then lying to her spouse and making them believe that it is, is the most cruel and horrid thing a woman could ever do. In every sense of the word, it is WRONG.

As for my own situation, I have 3 daughters; 2 of my daughters are my spitting image. One, doesn't look like me at all, but instead looks identical to her mother.... and for certain reasons(long story kept short here) I have always sort of wondered about her. My current wife is certain that this daughter is mine. I do at times, I don't at other times. My plan is to SOMEDAY find out via DNA testing.

My big deal with not having it done already is that I think I would go in to a rage and more than likely end up in jail for my actions. I'm not a violent person by any means, but if I found out that this ultimate betrayal had been bestowed upon me, oh man, I would so be wanting to kick someone's ass.

As far as the system goes, I think the courts are TOTALLY wrong. Here where I live, you have one year to contest paternity. Then, after that year you are stuck with it whether you like it or not. I think that's BS. Why should I (or ANY guy) be FORCED to pay for a kid that isn't mine and was fathered in secret by my lady and some other dude????? Granted, if I found out tomorrow that my daughter wasn't mine, I would still pay for my girl and want to be in her life, but for the court to FORCE me??? Hell no. And the courts stand back and act as though it is the MAN'S fault if he didn't know his wife was out getting boffed by someone else and conceived a child via that affair?? I mean, seriously??? Unless your wife starts acting very suspiciously, someone tells you she is foolin around, the kid comes out black but you are both white, or you come home early one day to find her with her legs wrapped around her head gettin pounded like a drum by some dude, why would you even suspect foul play? So what then, for every child that is born we, as men, are expected to ask for paternity tests? Oh yeah, that will surely help the divorce rate......

IMO, I think that if it is found out that someone else fathered the child, then that a**hole should have to pay for it, just as he would have if he would have originally stated he was the father. Why should being sneaky relieve him of the responsibility?? I also think he should be liable for arrearage. Why should I, or someone else, have to pay for 18 years for this a**hole's kid??? Isn't it punishment enough to a guy to find out his wife was a cheating, lying, sneaky whore and the child he thought was his really isn't??? In what world do people think that the non-biological father should not only shoulder the hurt and the disappointment, but ALSO have to shoulder the financial aspect as well??? What a messed up society....

I had read a ****ed up story a few years ago, with a little searching I found a discussion about it on another board. Talk about screwed up! Enjoy......

my question is that about 4 years ago my ex wife gave birth to a cute adorable baby girl we were married right after she was born. However her daughter isn't biologically mine. she was still and will always be my step daughter. it pains me that i haven't seen her in 4 years. She is now in foster care now and my ex wife has been trying to be friends with me but i don't want to has mentioned that she gets to see her every weekend. is there a way for me to be able to see her or have anyway of adopting her because i still feel that she belongs up here with me not down where she lives

She is now in foster care now and my ex wife has been trying to be friends with me but i don't want to has mentioned that she gets to see her every weekend. is there a way for me to be able to see her or have anyway of adopting her because i still feel that she belongs up here with me not down where she l

I don't know the answer shooka, but i have a few questions.

I know rules vary by state. See a lawyer as soon as you can.

1) did you legally adopt your step-daughter?If so, i imagine that you do have legal standing.

i didn't adopt my step daughter yet that's what i am trying to figure. and i don't pay child support at all either. i would like to find out if i can do that though. i am going to talk to a lawyer to find out what i should do though

This conversation began a few years ago, but it still seems to be active. I come to this issue from a different angle:

My brother was forced to walk away from his natural son over 30 years ago. I have learned this truth only within the last few months. My brother is missing and has been presumed dead for a few years. (Complicated story, but brother is gone.)

What I learned is that, as an underaged teenager, my brother fathered a child with his underaged teenaged girlfrield who lived nearby. When the girl was about 14 weeks pregnant, she married a 20-year-old with a job. Presumably, she had two "boyfriends" at the same time and selected the one who (1) had a job, and (2) could be encouraged to marry her with the threat of a charge of statutory rape.

However, she told my brother he was the father about a day after the baby was born. And she also told my mother. My guess is that there was an Rh blood factor in play; my brother had Rh-positive blood.

She allowed my brother to see their son regularly until after the child was over two years old. Then, when the boy was two-and-a-half years old, she decided that my brother no longer would be allowed to see his son. She said that she was afraid that the child would start asking who my brother was. She had some "family and friends" who let my brother know that they would beat him to death if he came around again. There is no indication that the girl's husband ever figured out that he was duped. By the time the child was five, that marriage had ended. There have been subsequent marriages and re-marriages.

The story was dumped on me a few years ago as something of a puzzle, by an old woman with a fading memory. There is absolutely no doubt that I have solved the puzzle correctly. Indeed, after I solved it, it was confirmed by one more old woman not long before she died. And, the son is the spitting image of his paternal grandfather.

Grown man. Educated. Doing well in a career. Seems to have his life put together. But he seems to have no clue who his natural father is, or that his natural father saw him for the first two years of his life and left only because the mother said, in effect, "The law is on MY side, and you have no legal rights to assert. You no longer may see this child."

I understand: She didn't want to risk her marriage and financial support ending.

When the marriage to the duped man ended, he was forced to pay child support to a child he did not know was not his natural child.

The natural father (my brother) was prevented from seeing his son. (Financial support from my brother was not a question. He had engineered his life specifically so that he COULD have supported the young mother and their son. However, she would have had to leave the husband, and the financial support would have been somewhat less initially, and she would have been "shamed" among her "friends" as they eventually figured out that she'd been having sex with two males as a teenager and had guessed the wrong father.)

She's on her 3rd husband now.

When the duped man had a real son some years later, the duped man had to share his resources with his real son and my brother's son -- whom he imagined was his real son.

She still lives in the same small town, runs in the same small circles.

I know exactly where my brother's son is. I have tracked many of the details of his life for the last 20 years. I know to whom he is related, and to whom he thinks he's related.

I have the means of contacting him. Thus far, my choice has been to remain silent. I do not promise that will be my choice forever, but I've not told him yet. I have, however, told his mother that, if he ever contacts me, I will tell him all that I know.

Despite the defenses and excuses offered in favor of women who lie to a man about the paternity of a child, it is an indefensible and hurtful action, done for the woman's benefit. It is despicable, and it causes harms that ripple on for years.

Women need to understand the reality that they don't get to select the father AFTER the child is conceived, and that who the "daddy" is does not change every time a woman changes sex partners. Society at large needs to begin to understand that also.

Originally posted by shooka:my question is that about 4 years ago my ex wife gave birth to a cute adorable baby girl we were married right after she was born. However her daughter isn't biologically mine. she was still and will always be my step daughter. it pains me that i haven't seen her in 4 years. She is now in foster care now and my ex wife has been trying to be friends with me but i don't want to has mentioned that she gets to see her every weekend. is there a way for me to be able to see her or have anyway of adopting her because i still feel that she belongs up here with me not down where she lives

What you are not understanding is that your stepfather/stepdaughter relationship ended when you and your ex-wife divorced. If you did not legally adopt the child, and if she is not your child biologically, and if you are now divorced from her mother, then you have no legal interest in or relationship to the child. You are simply an unrelated person who happens to have known her for a few years.

You might attempt to legally adopt her. However, your chances are slim. First, either the mother's parental rights would have to be terminated, or the mother would have to grant you permission to adopt the child. And, since you no longer are her step-father, it would not be a "step-parent adoption."

You wrote that you have not seen the child in FOUR YEARS. If that is not a typo, then it indicates that the relationship between you and your ex-wife ended almost as soon as it became legal, and you have not seen your ex-wife's daughter since soon after the child was born.

Your chances of ever seeing that child again -- without the cooperation and consent of the mother -- are so slim that you would be wasting your money if you pay a lawyer in this case.

Originally posted by Magnificent-Number-One:I've been married for 7 years. We had a son in 2005. Last year my wife gave birth to twin girls. I discovered a few months later that my wife had an affair (which she regrets deeply). Even though my wife was adament that they were mine, we decided to do a DNA test. The results came back four days ago... I am not the father to the twins.

To say I am devastated is an understatement. I feel as though my life has completely fallen apart around me.

I love the girls... Afterall, I've been their Dad for the first few months of their lives. Neither of us want the real father to know, but is this fair on the girls? The thought of having to lie to them for the rest of their lives terrifies me. How can I watch them grow old, get married, and have children, knowing that I am not their bio-logical father.

Since finding out, I feel a distance between me and the girls. When I pick them up and cuddle them, I just break down and cry. When I look at them, and they look back at me, smiling - it hurts so much because I can see their 'real' father in their facial expressions. Since finding out, I want to get more involved with them, but I just can't. It makes me feel a failure.

If anyone is in a similar situation, I would love to hear how you deal with it.

Strangely, after everything she has done to me, I do still love my wife very much. My son means the world to me, and I would not want him to be brought up in any other way other than for me and his mother to be there for him.

Yes, I have insight - from a direction you won't be expecting. It won't be what you want to hear. If you're not emotionally prepared for ONE example of tragedy in this very scenario, skip to the next response.

I'm a 50ish woman. I grew up with two brothers and a sister. My sister was/is my best friend. ALL of our growing up years, there was an OBVIOUS difference in how my dad treated my brothers and I and how he treated my sister. My father was very loving and supportive to my brothers and I and VERY emotionally abusive to my sister. We didn't understand it. The neightborhood kids, those kids parents, our cousins, aunts and uncles would ask us why he was so mean to her. Many hours were spent speculating. A couple of times over the years, either I or my sister would ask my mother and at other times my father WHY he was so mean to her. It was always turned back on my sister - saying she was difficult. Nothing could have been further from the truth, she was always meek and too terrified to speak up for herself).

Seven years ago, my father had a stroke which affected the frontal lobe of his brain, the part that "monitored" his behavior (the same area of the brain that turns off the inhibitions by alcohol). My fathers rage toward my sister was unleashed in the most horrific way. When she would go to visit him in the hospital, he would demand that she leave his sight, calling her the "spawn of Saten". (at that time my sister was in her mid 50's.) While he was in the hospital, my mother broke down and FINALLY admitted to having a one night stand with my fathers brother(!!). My dad was away on a ship during WWII. My mom and dad had married when my mom was only 17 and shortly thereafter, he left for War. The affair (if you can call it that) and my sister's conception took place when she was barely 18 - just a child, herself. For my Mom's part , her remorse and guilt is beyond HORRIBLE. She expects and believes she deserves eternity in hell and at 85 years old now (and with cancer) she is just waiting fearfully to descend into hell. My mother is as near an angel as anybody I've ever met. I've never heard her say a bad word about ANYBODY (except herself).

My father was SO enamored with my mom that he agreed to keep my sisters paternity a secret and raise her as his own. The problem was he transferred his rage from my mom (she could do no wrong in his eyes) to my sister and his brother (they too were estranged). My dad's mistreatment of my dear sister profoundly affected my sister's entire life as she never had the self esteem to stand up for herself. Starting in elementary school and continuing through today, she has been bullied and used by people. Her pain is palpable. My brothers and I were also indirectly abused as we had to watch our sister who we loved dearly getting mistreated our entire childhood and then throughout her adulthood. We tried to stand up for her many times but he never changed. In fact, for the last five years of his life, my dad and I were estranged because I told him that I would not be a part of his life until he stopped treating her hatefully, SINCERELY apologized and her forgiveness for the lifetime of abuse he put her through. He would not (or could not)do it. My mom told me he cried everyday because he had lost his beloved daughter (me). She would beg me to come and see him saying "why can't you understand?? None of this is his fault! It's MY fault. Hate ME, not HIM!) We were still estranged when he died.

On his death bed, it was MY SISTER who sat with him, held his hand, told him she loved him and forgave him, and he prayed for forgiveness for all of the harm he did for her. He died a couple of hours later.

I tell you this story so you can BE SURE that you can love those precious little girls when you look at them and see another man's face. Those little girls had NOTHING to do and no control over their conception. (Never forget that THEY WEREN'T THERE!) If you're not sure, then do them (and yourself and your wife and your other children) a HUGE favor and remove yourself from the situation.

Hi! Plz can someone give me some feedback? So my boyfriend knows that the kid he has with his ex(12 years old) is not his biological son. He choses to accept this and treat the kid as his own. Now I also have a child with him as well that has been proven to be his biological kid. My problem is that he is treating his no biological kid better than his Bio kid...He tells me he loves them the same, Well is that even possible? Will somebody really love another mans kid the same as his flesh and blood? I just cant get over this. Love, time and money are being taken away from my child the Bio child, and being given to another mans kid! Am I wrong in thinking this is not right? He's been just paying tuition and clothes for non Bio kid, leaving me to deal financially with bio kid. I am preparing to leave him, I don't want my kid raised thinking non Bio is his brother, the reason for this is that I think its wrong that no one has told non Bio about his real father, so I just don't think my kid should be tangled in these lies.Am I being really unreasonable?

Originally posted by BabyBlu:Hi! Plz can someone give me some feedback? So my boyfriend knows that the kid he has with his ex(12 years old) is not his biological son. He choses to accept this and treat the kid as his own. Now I also have a child with him as well that has been proven to be his biological kid. My problem is that he is treating his no biological kid better than his Bio kid...He tells me he loves them the same, Well is that even possible? Will somebody really love another mans kid the same as his flesh and blood? I just cant get over this. Love, time and money are being taken away from my child the Bio child, and being given to another mans kid! Am I wrong in thinking this is not right? He's been just paying tuition and clothes for non Bio kid, leaving me to deal financially with bio kid. I am preparing to leave him, I don't want my kid raised thinking non Bio is his brother, the reason for this is that I think its wrong that no one has told non Bio about his real father, so I just don't think my kid should be tangled in these lies.Am I being really unreasonable?

Before i answer, i am going to tell you that i think you are wrong.

A number of years ago, a coworker's brother got married to a woman with a child. A few years later they had a child together. My coworker was trying to figure how she had to treat the older child. I asked her why she wouldn't treat them the same. (The older child was about 7, i think).

She told me that she could never consider her non-blood-nephew the same as one that had her blood.

I was horrified. In my mind - how could you not?

If your husband lived with his ex for a number of years when his son was growing up (you don't mention how long they've been together and then apart - and does he have an custody or visitation). If he played the role of father as this child aged - then absolutely, he could love this boy every bit as much as any blood related son (at least I would).

Now, please tell us more about his relationship with this boy - how long they lived together and what they do now.

But for you to want him to abandon his role is selfish - and, i think, may do more (emotional) damage to your own son than you think.

A little background...My bf and the ex wife were only casually dating when she became pregnant...We live outside the U.S where it was common to marry the woman so she will be seen as "decent". They married when she was 3 months pregnant and then she left him when the child was 3 months, and they divorced soon after. Well, the child got older, and it became clear by looking at him that he was not my bf's Bio son, and a dNA test later confirmed this. Nothing has been said to the ex wife about this, she has no idea the DNA was done, she is a minor TV celebrity in our country who brags always about how perfect she is, so the DNA thing would certanaly be a scandal here.

My bf gets the kid every other weekend, and the ex put the kid in the most expensive private school on her side of the city, and is my bf's responsibility to pay it, yet my bf says when our son is school age we will put him in public school. That's is fine with me but really why does non Bio kid deserve a pricey education and the Bio kid will only get a public. Also I don't think it is fair that non Bio does have a real bio dad out there, and no one gave that man a chance to step up to the plate, what if real Bio dad would also love to know this kid? How fair is that? I would understand my bf supporting this kid if he know that real Bio dad deserted him or something, but real Bio dad has no clue, so now it's okay to pick random kids off the street and make them your own? I have nieces and nephews and I love them but there is nothing like the rushing love happy butterfly warm feeling I get when I think of my child, call me a monster, but I will never in a million years understand how anybody can love another persons child the same as their own. I think people who say that that is possible are just lying so society won't think that they are heartless people. I just don't know, all I know is that my child is getting less love and attention and money that he should be getting, and thatmy bf needs to tell his ex to find the kids dad and at least give him a chance to be a father, If my bf wanted to continue being a mentor for the kid or something, fine, but really how can you take attention from your own flesh and blood? I just don't get it.

P.S My son dislikes being around non Bio kid, as non Bio trashes his toys, and has pushed him around...I wouldnt trust non Bio alone with my son so that itself is one reason to get me and my kid far away from these people and situation... Thanks for letting me vent regardless of what ya'll think of me.

d non Bio kid, as non Bio trashes his toys, and has pushed him around...I wouldnt trust non Bio alone with my son so that itself is one reason to get me and my kid far away from these people and situation... Thanks for letting me vent regardless of what ya'll think of me.

Thanks for clarifying.

Just to let you know - i do have four young children of my own (ages 3 to 7), and i love them so much that i understand what you are saying that you couldn't love anything more. Yet, i have had great relationships with many children over my life (nieces, nephews, children of friends). I know that if i had been raising any of them since they were newborns, that i would have bonded with them the same way as my own children.

But that's not the point.

You also have a cultural thing going on here that makes this a little tricky. What happens to his ex, if this elicit birth comes to light? And if it ruins her, what does that do to the child? If he just goes and makes this public, is he ruining his ex's child (a child he loves?)

Now, i agree with you that he should be disciplining this child so he is not a nuisance in your home (another current thread deals with a teenage child in the home).

I agree that he shouldn't be putting this child above your child together.

But to just cut and run right now is also wrong. In the United States, (I think in most states, anyway), if he lives in the home when a child is born - regardless of whether or not it is his biological child, that child will be considered legally his own and he would be responsible for all child support as if it were his biological child.

It's obvious that you do not like this child and resent him. I think you need to get to the bottom of that anger or it will poison your son.

And then you and your husband need to figure out what you are willing and able to do to be fair to both children - but out of love, not out of spite for anyone.

Your task is to look out for YOUR son. Your emotions are normal. I agree with almost every word you say.

If I were in your shoes, I would NOT join the game of lying about who the natural father of that other child is. I would NOT pretend to my son that the other child was his paternal half-brother. And I would make that announcement now.

I also would go to court to enforce parental support from my child's father.

Your boyfriend has been conned and tricked. And, the natural father of the child being passed off as his has been harmed, perhaps without his knowledge. My opinion of women who pass off a child as another man's child is that such women are garbage. But that's only my opinion.

I would contact a lawyer and ask the lawyer to do what needed to be done to enforce the rights of my son. And I would make an announcement that I was not going to be part of the lie. And, if it were my home only, I would not even tolerate the other child in my home. You don't want to be building a quasi-brotherly relationship for a non-relative. All that is happening is that people are participating in a lie that will eventually blow up all over all of the liars and harm those who were lied to.

And, the poster below said, "In the United States, (I think in most states, anyway), if he lives in the home when a child is born - regardless of whether or not it is his biological child, that child will be considered legally his own and he would be responsible for all child support as if it were his biological child." That is wrong, most especially in 2012. It used to be that most states followed the "any fish caught in his net" theory. Things have changed in many states, fortunately. Most especially if the man is not legally married to the woman, it's unlikely that he's going to be forced to accept legal paternity if the kid's not his. And, increasingly, even if he's married, if the truth is learned quickly enough, the problem can be taken care of.

One way, in the case of a man who married a pregnant woman because he believed that the child was his, would be to seek an annulment based on fraud.

These women are doing nothing but using and manipulating men. Then, so many in society try to play the "guilt game" with the duped men and say, "Well, it takes more than sperm to make a father."

Garbage! And, if you read my post above, you can see where I'm coming from. Paternity fraud should be a crime, and there should be significant punishment for intentional paternity fraud. It harms the duped man. It harms the child in the long-term. It harms the family of the duped man. And, in many cases, it WILL come out. Then what does the mother think her child will think of her?

Your concern should be enforcing your son's legal rights. Contact a lawyer, and tell the lawyer everything that you know. Here's a truth that you don't want to hear: The fact that your child's father is willing to support the not-his-son more than he supports your son, and that he is willing to spend ANY money on the non-son (unless your boyfriend is exceptionally wealthy) makes clear where you stand with him. He's not going to be around long-term. Go see a lawyer. And make sure that it's a lawyer who is meaner than a junk yard dog.

My buddy of 9 years is delusional. He is 29 years old and hes had one long term relationship in his life. She was 16 and he was 20 and they dated for 4 years before she ended it. He's the overly emotional type and never really got over her. He's slept with lots of other women but never another serious relationship. There was no contact between them for Over 2 years and she called him one day out of the blue crying and pleading that she had no where to live and couldn't even get a job. He let her move back in even when I told him he was an idiot for that. She lived there almost 2 years all while never paying rent, bills, groceries and would cry that she needed her cell phone paid too. You would think he'd at least be sleeping with her again but no she would scoff at the idea of reconciliation or them having sex. Whenever my buddy would bring a girl home, if his ex was home too, she'd tell the girls that she was his gf and they needed to leave and he would be annoyed but let it happen. Sometimes she'd even leave like 5 mins after the girls did. It gets worse, this girl became an escort to make money to be able to shop since my buddy is blue collar guy, he doesn't make enough to give her shopping money every week like she wanted him too. Essentially my buddy would even get calls late at night to pick her up from so and so hotel and drop her off at another hotel which he would often do. Well she eventually became pregnant and doesn't know who the bio dad is. My buddy was so upset cause I guess he thought he'd always be the one to be with her and have kids with her one day. Late into her pregnancy she started to Tell my friend that she since he was her "best friend" it would only be right for him to take on the roll of the dad and the she wanted to give the baby his last name and have him sign the birth certificate. The idiot of my friend was there in the delivery room and gave the kid his last name but claims not to have signed the birth certificate which I don't believe. He is now talking about getting a house and trying to convince this girl to marry him for "tax reasons" since she won't do it for love and spending all his money on getting his ex spa treatments at whatnot. The thing is, I know he's not happy, whenever he gets drunk he talks about how he's got no one in this life. No girlfriend or wife or kids. I feel a little bad for him because during the time that he find out the " love of his life" wad pregnant by one of her many johns my girlfriend of 3 years and I got married and he was not for the idea. When his ex was about 6 months and he was still upset about all of that, my wife and I found out we were having a baby and his response was "what the hell are you two going to do with a baby?" considering my wife and I actually are together and married in our own house,I didnt understand where this came from. I wonder if my buddy isn't just agreeing to all of this because since my life is moving forward, this is closest he can get. It bothers me a lot, we haven't spoken in a couple of weeks since his ex had her baby premature( she smokes a pack a day and apparently pops pain pills occasionally which is no surprise) she's not a good person, I foresee her declaring whoever her new boyfriend becomes in a couple of months the new daddy to her baby and leaving my buddy empty handed. I haven't talked to him because he's so delusional of what he envisions his life to be with her even though she's adamant about not wanting anything with him ever again. It's annoying because he had the nerve to tell me that I dont understand what he's feeling because I haven't witnessed the birth of my child yet and had that moment where everything changed you. He hasn't either! It's not his kid, she's not even his girlfriend at least. I feel bad for the guy at the times, and then annoyed at other times for being a punk. I don't know what to say or how to act when he brings up that baby and how her chin kind of looks like him and stupid **** like that which doesnt make sense.

I think it's funny when they say for the children no one seems to be rushing to poor nations to raise them as their own. I have sat in a mid-wifes office when a friend of mine told her it wasn't her husbands child and they asked if they should mention the other guys name incase he didn't know. As a man sitting there I was shocked that there was no talk as of why she didn't think it was his and other guys. Finding out years later is NOT in the child's best interest at all. No one can also say that the child doesn't want to know it's birth father why do adopted children seek their birth parents then? It should be standard practice and instead of having to request a paternity test you should have to request not to have a paternity test or use it as a bi-product of other genetic tests. If women would come clean some might find that a man can also see the error of his ways and might forgive and accept the child by choice. People say the other man walk away scott free is a fool. The creator made a error in judgment and pays the price of not getting to be a dad because that choice is taken from him minus breaking up a marriage if that is the case. Some of the creators are good people also. Creator are 50% in creating the child not always the case regarding the disception of everyone else. Absolutly everyone makes bad choices but not everyone makes the corrective choices needed to keep a bad choice from effecting a lot more people and cause a lot less harm. The female doesn't seem to see things from a childs best interest being that I believe that finding out later dad isn't your father would be crushing. How can amother ever tell her child to do the right thing? Wouldn't the right thing be telling any man involved it could possibly not be yours?

me and my ex girlfriend met and slept with each other for the first times after 6 months apart back in June. now she is in her 17 week pregnant. I really want this baby but from the day we met until today is only 14 weeks. How do I know for sure this is mine? is there any kind of test for this? Please help.

Originally posted by dave13145:me and my ex girlfriend met and slept with each other for the first times after 6 months apart back in June. now she is in her 17 week pregnant. I really want this baby but from the day we met until today is only 14 weeks. How do I know for sure this is mine? is there any kind of test for this? Please help.

There is a paternity test you can have done once the child is born. Don't sign the birth certificate and don't agree to pay for anything until the child is born and the test is done. Basically don't treat the child as yours until you know for sure that it is yours or not. Also don't give in to her demands if she tries to pressure you to get married.

Originally posted by dave13145:me and my ex girlfriend met and slept with each other for the first times after 6 months apart back in June. now she is in her 17 week pregnant. I really want this baby but from the day we met until today is only 14 weeks. How do I know for sure this is mine? is there any kind of test for this? Please help.

My husband is consciously raising a child that I conceived with a lover during our marriage, and he does it in full awareness of the fact that the girl is not his child. We were having an open relationship and my husband was aware and approving of my second relationship. I loved both men. The pregnancy was unplanned however and we did a prenatal dna test to be sure who the father was. The relationship with my ex-lover became very bitter when he knew he was the father, he pushed me to abort the baby. I was devastated because I did love him. And I also loved my unborn baby and could not kill her. I said to my husband that I would understand if he would want to leave me, but that I simply could not abort the baby...He finally made the decision to "adopt" her, which is a fantastic sign of unconditional love...The girl is one year old now, and things are really well. He loves her as his own 2 kids and they adore each other...And I could not agree more with the statement that it is easy to conceive a child, but it takes a lot more to be a father.

My only concern now is how to tell the truth one day, to my girl and my other kids...We want to be honest, we do not want to hide the truth for our children...And another concern is the biological father, who did not approve of the fact that I continued the pregnancy and has been absent ever since, saying that he would come over one day when he was " ready"...He has received pictures and some news but never responds...I think that the best situation would be that he had a kind of connection as well with the child, since she will one day want to know who he is and why he never visited her...Any advice?

Consider yourself extremely lucky we live in a society that doesn't hold women to standards of accountability anything like those that men get. Be grateful that you get to see your kids.Love them every day for that.

Hi There, I have been looking EVERYWHERE for some clarity on this issue, you see my hubby has this friend who he used to be best friends with but they had a falling out over this girl the guys been dating and the relationship has been strained since. He, my hubby's friend, and the girl have been dating on and OFF for about 5 years now. My hubby and I have been married for 7. They unfortunately have a 3 year old son who was born to another man and the man found out it wasn't his - not hard the kid is a mini my hubby's friend - and so after testing a few men she realized it was my hubbys friend's baby (I am sure she planned it though because before giving birth to their son she had 9 abortions done on herself the latest being a year before I had the conversation with her which would have been 6 months before my hubby's friend started sleeping with her, I learned that over coffee with her) and he moved her into his house after the tests came back 99.9% positive when that baby was 3 months old and then they were out again by the time that baby was one year old. she hopped around from that time on, but he still kept sleeping with her! Ugh. Anyway I was good friends with her brother, before a few months ago when I told him I know the truth about the baby, and he introduced me to his friend who she was sleeping with at the time she got pregnant this last time - I actually met him around the time they were "breaking up" she told him she was preggo with another mans baby and he needed to stay away from her - so he did, he's now newly married and living a few hours north. The baby is now 7 months old -so yes they have a 3 year old and now a 7 month old. She moved back into his house when she was 71/2 months pregnant... on top of that the baby was almost "3 weeks early", So anyway the kid is a MINI friend of her brother, I know her brother and mom see it but they are questionable people and my hubby's friend is the most well off guy she's ever had - not that he makes much! Anyway, If my hubby's friend knew this guy existed I am SURE he would not want to be raising the baby that isn't his. I told my hubby that I know of 2 other men she was sleeping with by name at the time she got preggo and the friend just says that she says it's not true and yells so he doesn't want to talk about it... if my hubby's friend saw a picture of this guy he would be like OH MY!!! He asked her for a DNA test and she went all bat **** crazy and threatened to take the 3 year old away forever, She didn't get crazy when he asked for DNA from the other kid though... Anyway, Do I tell him hey dude, his name is XXXX he lives in XXXX the last time they were in bed together was XXXX. or do I just let it all play out like I don't know exactly who the guy is that he is wondering about. My hubby says he says things like, "she says he looks like her grandpa... the one that left them so no one has pictures of..." LIKE??? Come on guy... I have a child from a previous marriage and I couldn't imagine keeping them away from my daughter growing up, I may not get along with those people but they are HER FAMILY. Should we just butt out? oh yea, I have a photo of the guy and her brother that I got from her brother when we all thought the baby was my hubbys friend's and the paternity was still a joke. do I show him? The pic looks exactly like the baby, even more so when face to face.

Should we just butt out? oh yea, I have a photo of the guy and her brother that I got from her brother when we all thought the baby was my hubbys friend's and the paternity was still a joke. do I show him? The pic looks exactly like the baby, even more so when face to face.

Yes, please you do need to butt out.

1) you have no proof

2) the mother has shown that she is loose on the control of her sex life - (nine abortions!)

3) Her husband is aware of her past

4) All you have to go on is that the child looks like somebody else- a baby's looks change all the time - that proves nothng

5) even if you are right - what is the end result? who are you going to hurt? who are you going to help?

You need to keep your opinions to yourself - and hope the best for your husbands' friends and his children and his wife. They are going to need all the help that they can get - not criticism or gossip.

2. They are both dumb but she had abortion after abortion then had their kid then had 2 more abortions (words from her mouth, 11 in total) with another man then got pregnant again with the new one. and he keeps sleeping with her. so it's both of their faults.

3. NOT her Husband. and NO he doesn't know to the extent. He is very naive and sheltered. He is taking her word that it's all lies when it's facts. He is being hurt, stressing about if this baby is his... The OTHER DAD is being hurt. The CHILD is being hurt. the whole other family missing out on their loved one is being hurt. His family who hates her is being hurt... wth? What about when that kid is 10! or 15! or 25! and the truth comes out! That happened to a good friend of mine and it really messed her up.

4. It's not just looks she told my hubby's friend she was not seeing ANYONE else at the time and in fact she was sleeping with the brother's friend and her tattoo guy - those are facts but yes that plays a big part. Do you have kids? I have 5 and my oldest is from my first failed marriage... I also have nieces and nephews I know what kids look like...

5. Helping the Child, The potential grand-parents. The current man who feels BAD about questioning the paternity of their child.

He brings it up to my hubby every week. How he can't sleep. He just wants a test but doesn't want to force her to do something like that if he's got no real reason since SHE SAYS the baby is his... well I have reason. I am not gossiping! When everyone turned on that girl for being a whore I said, Leave her alone! to each their own but now she's trying to hide a secret to keep his bank account open to her. Who does that help? Keeping a secret like that? who does that help?

2. They are both dumb but she had abortion after abortion then had their kid then had 2 more abortions (words from her mouth, 11 in total) with another man then got pregnant again with the new one. and he keeps sleeping with her. so it's both of their faults.

3. NOT her Husband. and NO he doesn't know to the extent. He is very naive and sheltered. He is taking her word that it's all lies when it's facts. He is being hurt, stressing about if this baby is his... The OTHER DAD is being hurt. The CHILD is being hurt. the whole other family missing out on their loved one is being hurt. His family who hates her is being hurt... wth? What about when that kid is 10! or 15! or 25! and the truth comes out! That happened to a good friend of mine and it really messed her up.

4. It's not just looks she told my hubby's friend she was not seeing ANYONE else at the time and in fact she was sleeping with the brother's friend and her tattoo guy - those are facts but yes that plays a big part. Do you have kids? I have 5 and my oldest is from my first failed marriage... I also have nieces and nephews I know what kids look like...

5. Helping the Child, The potential grand-parents. The current man who feels BAD about questioning the paternity of their child.

He brings it up to my hubby every week. How he can't sleep. He just wants a test but doesn't want to force her to do something like that if he's got no real reason since SHE SAYS the baby is his... well I have reason. I am not gossiping! When everyone turned on that girl for being a whore I said, Leave her alone! to each their own but now she's trying to hide a secret to keep his bank account open to her. Who does that help? Keeping a secret like that? who does that help?

First of all, i want to say, it was a bit difficult trying to unscramble your first post. There was a lot of words without a paragraph break. There were obscure references to my husbands' friend, or the mother's brother's friends. It got a bit hard for me to follow after a bit.

But, your second post is more direct. It is clear that you are going to tell him regardless of what I say, and you just want an affirmation of your actions.

You say you have proof. What is it?

And yes, i do have children. But what does that matter? If I were childless, would my opinion be of less importance. Would I not be able to state that sometimes babies look like one person and at other times they look like someone else? I've had friends who have adopted babies and laughed when they are told "Your child looks exactly like you.".

But, you think that if you tell this totally naive man that his second child is not his own, that it will magically make the world great for that child. The child's grandparents will appear in the picture and everything will be okay.

It is clear that this mother lacks a lot of things. Her mate must be able to look past this. And he is so clueless that he needs someone to point out that his wife may not be of the highest moral character.

If you know that the potential grandparents will be thrilled with this revelation and that they will enter the picture as saviors of this child, then go ahead - perhaps you should tell them.

I suspect that this mother sleeps with a lot of men who are no better or qualified to be a parent than she is - and your husband's friend sounds like one of them.

If he is that concerned he should be able to get a paternity test without the mother even knowing. But if the baby turns out not to be his - will his life be better off or worse?

I can't see how this turns out good no matter what - at this point.

And your hubby's friend isn't so clueless. "He brings it up to my hubby every week". So he already knows. He just doesn't want to admit the truth. But that he knows the truth does not give him a way out.

Okay to be honest I understand your frustration but you asked questions and I answered them, it's always funny to me how "the point" always changes when someone's opinion gets an undesired reaction. I am sorry if my first post was not perfect, I don't think it was all that confusing although it may have required a second read. I don't think in paragraphs so you'll have to be patient please, I may break too often or not at all :) I am direct but not talking down at any point. There are MANY factors to this situation, so many so that I tried to add all of the factors that mattered to the situation the most and still keep it short.

There is no "way out" for anyone in this situation. Only a way to make it through, emotionally healthy and strong. One can not gain strength and confidence in lies. I know that to be true. The baby deserves that chance right? to know honestly and to know his blood dad, the other half of the material that makes him human. I would have him, my hubby's friend, man up and get the required tests, to put everyone at ease, done!

I see it like this,

scenario 1 - The baby is his and I am an *******, Great!

scenario 2 - The baby is the ex-lover's, my hubby's friend admits he loves that woman and the baby, and his sibling, gets a stress free and emotionally healthy environment as well as have a life with his blood dad's family. They are really nice people. I'm still an A-Hole, Great!

most likely, scenario 3 - the baby is the ex-lover's, the baby gets to do overnights with his dad and extended family while the 3 year old does overnights with his dad and extended family and she she gets free time after moving back into her mom's house and gets pregnant by other dudes because my hubby's friend is now happily sterile. I am still an A-hole. :)

I honestly feel like it's a win win situation for the kids no matter what. And your words do help a lot.

By speaking with you I am able to work out the issues that I have with telling them. So you are kind of right, you will not be able to sway my opinion one way or the other with your words alone but the act of this conversation helps me to come to the best possible answer.

This is mainly for the experienced guys on here like shaneski and other guys in similar situations to weigh in and shoot some advice although I'm probably already going to go with my gut.

I just found out today that my wife of 5 years whom is now 7 months pregnant had an affair 1 day after our suspected date of conception. She came clean and told me, after her constantly battling hormones and guilt. I knew something wasn't right with her personality and she spilled her guts.

A little background: We were going through a bit of rough patch there in year 4, but we both love eachother and worked things out to the point that we decided to start to trying for kids in September a month after building back our relationship(it was a little rough this past July and June- myself partying, going out late at night etc... leaving her at the house or her working late/client happy hours or one of us traveling for work- no infidelity just not being around one another and staying out late).

Anyways, we made up, got closer after an August vacation and decided to start trying for kids. As we've always wanted a family together and built our house with 5 bedrooms to raise a large family.

Utilizing an Iphone ovulation/pregnancy tracker app we achieved success (or what I thought was success) the second time we had sex it was on a Wednesday morning right when she started ovulating. I also purposely wasn't doing my daily wank to save up sperm. So this load was a fresh 3 day one saving up for the ovulation period. She also held her legs above her head after- due to an old wise tail she heard should work. Also, I've tested my fertility and everything is good numbers wise. In our previous 4 years we never tried to have kids and she was on the pill plus I always pulled out to be sure.

Anyways, it turns out she left out of town for work the next day-Thursday and had an affair that night while she was drunk with a random guy. It was unprotected and she said she thinks he pulled out but can't remember they were both drunk. Now leaving me with the thought that its a 50-50 shot whether its my kid or his.

Side note** She is not the type to do this and given her current borderline suicidal actions and how deeply depressed she is wishing this never happened, etc... I do believe her. I have never seen her or caught her on the phone with guys and she is a typical good girl (or so I thought). I used to have plenty of ho-ish girlfriends, freaks, etc... and she doesn't fit the bill. Which is why I married her- the old saying you can't make a ho a housewife.

Down to the decision... She claims she waited the 7 months to tell me because she said she was positive its my kid and god wouldn't punish her to where she makes one mistake and is marked for life. the only thing most recently making her wonder is 4d ultrasound pictures which are hard to see, but she thinkgs don't really look like either of us. Though to me it looks as though the baby has my cleft chin and big lips in the ultrasound and her nose.

I'm pissed as hell obviously. I mean how do you not cheat for 5 years then decide to do it 2 days after we had sex and were trying for a kid. it would be one thing if **** was still a bit rocky and it happened, but the whole circumstance is terrible. Especially when all along I'm planning on a little baby girl to arrive in June.

She is emotionally distraught can't sleep has been in and out of the hospital with anxiety the last 2 weeks. Wakes up in cold sweats- all of which led her to break.

We both want to start a family. Have been planning this pregnancy, I already painted, built the nursery, spent $3k on crib/dresser/changing table/nursing chair. All the family members and friends are expecting this kid. baby shower done gifts sent, the whole nine.

Now this...

We both love eachother and she is so distraught that she might lose me (whom she claims is her soulmate) all over this and it could still be my baby.

She wants to put the baby up for adoption if it is not mine because she said it would be a constant reminder that she destroyed the love of her life over the kid. Her claiming she couldn't get past it. but then wants to start over if its not mine and then have plenty of our kids together. ( I say F that if you put this current kid up for adoption we are done there is no rebuilding)

My stance is that I know she deeply loves me and wants to be with me til death do us part. I know she is going insane with the thought of losing me and a baby. I flat out want this baby regardless if its mine. I also do truly love her and know she loves me.

I'm at a point where I do not want to do a DNA test and just assume/hope its mine. Knowing that it will be my baby and I will raise her regardless. I am confident that nooone is going to be a better father than me. That I will love this baby unconditionally. So does it really matter to find out? I keep asking myself that question. I want to know for dominant traits, nationality, etc... But I'd still love this baby and I would still be the biological father listed on the birth cert. regardless.

She is afraid I am going to be able to tell in a few years and what if I treat her different or resent her or the kid for it. I told her there is no way i would resent the baby as she has nothing to do with this it is not her fault. As for my wife I have already forgiven her as we all make mistakes and thought i didn't do anything as bad as what she did. i definitely did some ****ed up **** in our marriage too. I'm confident we can mend this and love eachother and get past this heartache. But only if I/we man up and plan to raise this baby like I was the entire time before I found out there is a chance its not mine. I just can't decide if deep down I should do the DNA test or just let it ride.

I can't picture seeing the baby at first delivery then taking a swab of our mouths sending it off to the lab to wait for analysis (24 hrs if overnighted) and then find out I'm not the father and then send this precious little girl off to be adopted. Personally, my gut instinct is I have been preparing for and wanting this baby more than anything in the world. Why should I just change that over a swab/DNA test when I know I can and will love the baby and my wife and we can have other kids that for sure will be mine.

Other background is I'm the breadwinner my wife does well but not as well as me. We're successful/well off in the highest tax bracket. I'm still young at 30 and am in great shape 6'2 235 lb and 8% body fat. What I'm getting at is I can move on (and so can she) and I'm not a chump. I get looks/hit on by a lot of women. But we both want to make this work cause we love eachother. I finally put her at ease by telling her today I forgive her and I will raise the baby. She is still a bit scared thinking I'm secretly planning something or am going to ditch her and the baby at birth and now she can at least find a family that will raise her and want her. But I know I deeply want this baby no matter what and that we can raise her no problem.

FIRST: UPDATE on the situation I spoke of before - I told the boyfriend what I knew. He confronted her and she said she knows and that bio-dad said that he wanted nothing to do with the baby or her. When her brother heard that he confronted the bio-dad because they were friends and found out she is a liar and had told the bio-dad that the baby was definitely her bf's and that if he didn't leave her alone she and the BF would make his life hell. Bio-Dad is now working on getting visitation in writing although he already gets the baby now for 5 days at a time. The couple is still together and their 3 year old stays with grandma, her mom, for the week (5 days) that the baby is away. the couple is getting married, thank goodness he tied his tubes. Although I was intrusive I am happy about the decisions that were made because Now that boy gets to know his Father. No one is mad at me either which was a shocker and her brother and I have even started talking again, the non biological dad who I told said he is happy to know the baby isn't his because he never wanted kids and he already has the one and now they get a free week off... those people kill me but hey whatever ... Ugh, Anyway, with that said...

I give the next advice based on your situation, I believe all children should know their bio-parents but to be honest I know every situation deserves to be treated appropriately making it impossible for all children to know their bio-parents. I can read here that you love your wife very much and that you are going to raise the baby regardless. I commend you because that is an utterly selfless act of love that we don't see all too often anymore. If I could hug you without you punching me in the face or your wife slapping me I would. High Five* Now consider these factors:

1. The look of your child will change throughout time. sometimes he/she will look like your wife, sometimes he/she will look like you and sometimes he/she will look like an uncle from 3 generations over haha, You will see yourself in that baby regardless of it's actual appearance until he/she is well over 2 years old, This is because you already love him/her and your wife.

2. if you don't mind possibly having to share the baby with the man she slept with than yes, test. Even if you try to keep it a secret these things tend to reveal themselves so don't expect the results to be kept secret for an entire lifetime. teens snoop and friends gossip...

3. if you think you will want to know later down the road you should probably test now because it is much easier, emotionally, on a person to know something and deal with it in time than to learn something abruptly and try to deal with it all at once. Especially for an adult or teen. young children are much more resilient and adaptable.

4. If you have NO intention on telling the man and you don't care because this baby is yours and you are going to tell everyone this baby is yours and never speak of word of your questions to anyone ever, than don't test and raise your baby knowing you and your wife are now beautiful happy parents to this little baby that knows nothing but the love and guidance you shower him/her with. <3

Best of luck to you. Congratulations on your new baby. From what I can read your personality makes you wonderful father already.

I just found out today that my wife of 5 years whom is now 7 months pregnant had an affair 1 day after our suspected date of conception. She came clean and told me, after her constantly battling hormones and guilt. I knew something wasn't right with her personality and she spilled her guts.

AM I CRAZY?? WHAT WOULD YOU DO?? DO I DO THE DNA TEST???

Well, I won't tell you that you are crazy - but it is a lot to absorb in one day. If you just found out today, I'm not sure you can determine what your long term reaction is going to be.

But, I like your attitude a lot - and I would hope (and I do believe) it would be my own. None of this is the child's fault. If you can't love the child unconditionally, then it is not fair to the child.

You've forgiven your wife - although she hasn't forgiven herself yet.

She's also 7 months pregnant which means that she is in a hyper-emotional time anyway.

And be very careful trying to determine the paternity by the looks of the child - because babies change all the time - and while some have strong resemblances to one parent or the other or both, that is not universally true. Different people can look at the same baby and see different things. And when seeing a pictures of a young child, it is not unusual to all of a sudden notice that she looks like "aunt Mable" and you never noticed that before.

If it is going to drive you crazy not knowing, then you need to have the paternity test just to allow you to not have it hanging over your head. You can still love the child unconditionally - but you won't have this thing boomerang and hit you at some later time.

I can't tell you for sure what I would do. I would think that once I saw that little girl - who had nothing to do with any of this, I would be so in love with that little being, it wouldn't matter one little bit to me. I truly believe this would be the case.

I still might get the test - not because it would affect my love of the child - but just so I could totally deal with the entirety of the situation - and get total grips on how I might deal with any side effects of it later on.

Regardless of the paternity, some people are going to tell you she looks just like you and others will say "wow, she doesn't look anything like you." You don't want to always be defensive and overreact to those things that people just say without any ill intent.

But this should be a wonderful time for you and your wife - And it will be - if you let it. It sounds like you're on the right track, and i hope your wife will get on the same train you are one and be the best parents that have ever existed.

I suspected my daughter was not mine from the day my ex-wife told me she was pregnant. I waited far too long to end the marriage, but I'm the only father my daughter has ever known and I often forget that she's not my natural daughter. After 22 years, the biological father has never come forward so there is no way I'll cause her the pain and heartache to know her whole existence is based on a terrible deception. She's my daughter and always will be. There is absolutely no good reason to screw her up over something she doesn't need to know. Each person's situation is different, but I made my choice.

well fellas, i my self am currently caught up in this situtaion. I was seeing a women, and sometime during or time together, she told me her ex still lives with her, but nothing is going on. Right who would believe that. So when she first told me it was mine. I told her i would do my part and be there for her and the baby,the way i' am with my other children. i am there father, not a baby daddy. But everytime i would say, come over so i could be next to her and bond with the child before the birth. she would make up every excuse for not coming. Of course I knew why. So i went on with my life, so one day she calls after i quite my job and says. You go ahead and go make more money. it will be, more for me and my man. So i said thats cool just don't call me until he is born. So the child is born and I ay hey, Im coming to see the baby, she quickly tells me not hear, how about you get a room, because i moved out of state. and we meet you there. Im like why you told me he knows he is not the father so why cant i come see him at your house. i even said i would bring my wife, so buddy would know it's not about you, it's about this child. And if it is my child, it's going to be in my wife's life. But of course she would not let this happen. So not to long ago i went online to see if i could look up the birth record. from the name she gave me, she said the child had her last name. but nothing came up. Even looked up my name as the last name. nope. I'm torn because if it's my child I will be a father to this child, but at the same time who knows what she told this man. He was living there before she fooled around with me and is still living there. And probably signed the Birth Certificate. I could only imagine if it was me if someone walked up to my door and said hi Im your sons father.