Optional Accessories

I haven’t done much new-car shopping in the last…ever, but I do know there are lots of options you can add to make your commuter cage look more awesome. Glass roof (yeah, I’m looking at you, new Mustangs) = very cool. Window louvers, spoilers and scoops = very cool. Racing stripes, like maybe a black satin accent on a glossy black finish = Vadersquely cool, which is basically the pinnacle of cool.

And then there are some options you can add that you really just shouldn’t. Really.

These are things that I’ve seen “in the wild” and captured in all of their ridiculous glory.

Exhibit A: The Car ‘StacheI know mustaches are all the rage right now, but leave them to photo props and finger puppets.

Exhibit B: The Wind-Up Thingie (Thingy?)

This picks up miniscule bonus points because it actually spins while the car is in motion.
Regardless, it’s a no.

Exhibit C: The Yellow SubmarineNo ‘blue meanies’ here, just a shameless plug for the Liverpool Legends show in Branson, MO.

(Am I the only one who’s noticed that VW Beetle owners like to embarrass their cars?!)

Exhibit D: The Lashes

Anyone who has ever owned a Jeep has almost certainly thought, “My car just isn’t sexy enough. I need to add a little va-va-voom.” Or maybe they haven’t, but this chick apparently did. Again, no.

And honorable mention—which is anything but honorable—goes to the truck owners who hang male genitalia from their tow hitches. I’ve not taken any photos of these because, frankly, they repulse me. But I do have a picture of a sign that I saw last summer that pretty well covers it…the 18th Annual WHAT?!