How to Write Good

It's so easy to say or write things that are downright weird, simply because of poor wording. Among the most common causes of unclear and sometimes outrageously funny statements are dangling participles, misplaced modifiers, and pronouns with unclear antecedents. As a teacher of language I correct errors to help my students improve their speaking and writing. I hope I don't seem to them to be a grammar Nazi. It's a fine line I have to walk! The goal is clear communication, not stifled communication. Today's iv is a list of examples of poor writing and speaking that I've accumulated, but not from my students.

Warning: Read this only if you are in a place where you're free to LOL.

Riding along on my bicycle, a dog knocked me over.

Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.

Sizzling in the pan, my wife has some okra.

If properly secured, you shouldn't be able to remove the lid.

I saw the man before he died two or three times.

The body was found in an alley by a passer-by with a bullet in his head.

The suspect is about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
Flitting from flower to flower, the football player watched the butterfly.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

The robber ran from the policeman still holding the money in his hands.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Walking down the street, the library came into view.

We have several very old dresses from a grandmother in beautiful condition.

Having finished our breakfast, the car was loaded for our departure.

A department store ad: "Mixing Bowl Set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

Another ad: "We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $10.00."

Flying low, the Smoky Mountains are stunning.

Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.

One evening on the NBC Nightly News, Tom Brokaw announced, "Just like men, heart disease is the number one killer of women in the U.S."

A colleague and I were working on a problem with a computer program. My colleague was able to figure out what was wrong. She just sent me a short e-mail saying : “I understand why I think”. I replied, “Good for you!” Now, she knows the importance of a comma in a sentence.

I have earned the nickname “Grammar Police” at work and was given a print out of a “Grammar Police” badge, which is on display at my desk.

I have to relate an incident from work even though it has to do with spelling and not grammar: I recently read a Civil War era letter in which the author spelled married “marred.” Twice. LOL.

Rob adds: Jessica, as a married man, I appreciate your catching that mistake, especially since you’re a historian. Throughout history, most of us married men have actually been improved because of marriage, rather than marred by it … although I’m sure you could come up with some notable exceptions….

You don’t even need to see the whole sentence to get the full effect of one of my all-time favorites. This was from a student who wrote about the dangers of wearing makeup: “mothers with young boys who wear makeup daily and are in constant contact with their children…”

Rob adds: I was wondering if you would comment on this one since you taught English the past several years. Did you keep a file of oddities from student papers? If so, you could have probably written this post for me. Good to hear from you.

I have to admit I would go through my English book in high school at the beginning of the school year just to look for the misplaced modifiers to enjoy. Here are two that I remember: “The dear old lady gave cookies to the children with chocolate chips in them.” and “Hanging on a hook in the closet, I found my jacket.” Similar to what you have already, but still fun to read.

Rob adds: Actually there were more than several in my list whose problems were similar. But they’re all still fun because of the mental images they conjure up. Thanks for adding those, Ruth.

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My name is Rob Loach and I welcome you to my blog. People come here for an "instant vacation." You can learn more about me and about my instant vacations, including why my blog is called "ivman's blague," by visiting the about page, where you can watch my TV interview about my blog. My site is seven years old, so check out the tabs at the top of this page, subjects of interest to you in the tag cloud, and older blog posts (over 700 of them) not on the home page of the blog. There's lots of humor for you to enjoy!

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