Blog Hijack: I Aim to Misbehave

Not me, I have better hair -AND- an immunity to iocane powder

By Jay Donovan
Poor Kristen fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous of which is “Never get involved in a land war in Asia” – but a couple steps down is this: “Never leave your Tech Guy in charge of your blog.”

Kristen called me Saturday to see if I could approve comments for a couple more days and said it would be easy since she didn’t have anything to post for the first time in a long while. Being a kind soul, of course I agreed.

Five minutes later, an epiphany…

I control the Horizontal.I control the Vertical.

So I called her, got voice mail, and left this message: “Hi Kristen, it’s Jay. I just thought of a blog post to put up for you.” And I’m not proud about my loss of control, but I couldn’t help myself—I ended the call with an honest to God *maniacal laugh*.

You’d think she’d know better than to allow me to get used to having so much power. Especially since I used up all my willpower by not filtering last week’s posts through the ValSpeak filter.

You don’t believe me? I find your lack of faith disturbing.

It think it is time we demonstrated the full power of this filter.
Set your course for Kristen’s last post: Learning to Drop the Donkey.

Original text:

All of us want to do a good job. We want to put our best foot forward. We all say that we want feedback and critique, but deep down, if we are real honest, we want people to love everything we say and do.

Unfortunately, this isn’t the reality. We can’t please everyone, and it is easy to fall into a people-pleasing trap that will steal our passion, our art, and our very identity.

All of us want to totally do a bitchin’ job. Us guys want to totally put our best foot forward. Us guys all say that we want feedback and critique, man, but deep down, oh, baby, if we are real honest, like, wow, we want guys to totally love everythin’ we say and do.

See what I could have done. Yet I resisted. But Kristen has to further tempt me with an idle blog, and her unable to see her site, let alone stop me. *Maniacal Laugh* Sorry, #20 of the Evil Overlord list gets me every time.

Um, now what? Anyone have a suggestion? Bueller?

This blog moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

“I’ve got one. The question isn’t ‘what are we going to do,’ the question is ‘what aren’t we going to do?'”

Good thought Ferris, how about a Kristen roast?

“That’s a righteous idea.”

Post your favorite Kristen story in the comments. I want good ones. Sweet ones about Kristen pulling you back from the ledge. Funny ones about Kristen’s top #KlutzClub moments. The goal here is not just to make her ears burn, but to make to make her blush the entire time she’s in places the Verizon guy fears to go.

Here are the rules; I like my roasts medium-rare. Comments which are too mean will be nuked and replaced with that photo with you and your Aunt Gertrude from when you were 11. Yeah, the one taken a split-second after her dog barfed down your shirt. It doesn’t matter how I got a copy of it. Worry instead about it being the next big meme. *Maniacal Laugh* Did it again. Damn!

*********

Geek in His (un)Natural Habitat

Jay Donovan is the official WANA Tech Guy and is writing an “Expansion Pack” on the proper use of pen names to supplement Kristen’s “Rise of the Machines”. He should be working on it instead of hijacking blogs and talking about himself in third person, but where’s the fun in that?

So, it looks like I’m first up. Here’s the thing: Kristen needs to come with a warning label, especially for diabetics. Yeah, she’s like those vanilla Oreos (a cookie travesty if there ever was one, but a very useful simile in this case). Vanilla Oreos are all hard and crunchy on the outside but all sweet on the inside. See, that’s Kristen. She’s the WANA queen, fearless leader and blogger extraordinaire, but she’s really this big softie on the inside. A heavy dose of her sweetness could be very detrimental to those not accustomed to a high sugar intake (I will have no such problem as long as there are chocolate chip cookies and ice cream in the world). So, please, be sure to stock up on your insulin (or several cartons of milk) if you plan to spend much time here. And if you lack a proper sense of humor, plan on walking away and scratching your head. It’s not Kristen’s fault you forgot to see the humor in life… geez, it’s everywhere, how could you miss it? I’m just glad I’m not Jay… I’ve seen pictures of Kristen with rifle…

Ummmm…. you meant, of course, real WELL. *sigh* the grammar Nazi’s work is never done. No, there is no 12 step program and interventions just don’t work. You know you’ve hit rock bottom when you troll FB posts from high school kids… fish in a barrel…wait…. this post isn’t about me? Recovering narcissist as well… and ADD victim…

Jay,
Great idea! During the SciFi showing of SHARKNADO, Kristen pulled me into her Twitter Party to watch and comment during the movie. At one point she mentioned something about having a “shark tattoo”. Here’s my tweet to her and her reply:

Dave Lozeau‏@DcLozeau18 Jul
@KristenLambTX #MyWANA When do we see a pic of shark tattoo?

Kristen Lamb‏@KristenLambTX18 Jul
@dclozeau I’ll have to put it in a blog #MyWANA

While not knowing Kristen personnally, I can’t speak to the validity of this comment. But, I think she should be called out on it. I haven’t seen any blog or picture of this ‘shark tattoo’, but I think inquiring minds would like to know.

What I love the most about Kristen, is that she has the best way of laying things out plain and simple. She explained exactly why I needed to start a blog of my own and join Twitter. And I did it, even though it terrified me. It still does, from time to time. Especially when it’s Monday morning and I still don’t have my post written…Gah! But Kristen’s like a Super Human Motivator girl. She has a knack for getting me to push myself to do things that I don’t really want to do, but that I know will help to improve my writing in the long run.

Got nuthin’ but luv and admiration for Ms. Kristen. I have been flumgubbered by what I’ve seen her forge since I came across her blog and books a few years back. Mr. Zuckerberg ain’t got all that much on our girl.

Great post, Jay. Of course she should know better, but hain’t that part of her charm? ;)

What pops into my mind is when Kristen picked me up from the airport the first time I visited her in February, 2011. I’m the kind of person who uses a light from a GPS to read a paper map. Kristen, on the other hand, called On Star to find her way out of the airport parking lot. LOL. Every one of those people must know her by name at this point. I would not be surprised to find out that she uses it to get from her driveway to her street every morning.

That being said, I’m so grateful for all the tours I’ve taken with OnStar and Kristen over the years since then. I never would have traversed a large, fenced construction site by the freeway, and I never would have known how many stars filled the midnight sky in the middle of Absolute Nowhere, Texas, if Kristen used those obsolete paper maps of mine. Life is definitely more of an adventure with her and OnStar.

I don’t know Kristen long enough to be able to tell a good story about her. Oh, boy I’m sure as shoot tempted to make one up now, if only that picture of me and aunty Gertrude hadn’t fallen in the hands of a certain Geek in his natural habitat!
I loved this post and can’t wait to read the post Jay should have been writing instead. *sticks a note to her laptop reminding her never to give a Geek admin rights on her blog*
Hahahaha.

I met Kristen at Thrillerfest. In a sea of interesting people, Thriller giants, Pullitzer prize winning journalists, former diplomats, retired military…Kristen stood out. First I noticed her big wide smile, which she shared with everyone and then her honest comments that bubbled out of her in workshops. There’s no stopping Kristen. Not a roast…but a story. I’m glad I met her and love her blog.
Best
Jo-Ann

Almost two years ago I took a blogging class with Kristen through a yahoo loop. I was forced to join Twitter to be in the class. I enjoyed the class, learned a lot, met a lot of new people. Other than for class assignments had never actually spoken to Kristen (she’d never commented on my blog) – maybe a tweet or two. Six months go by. I get this cryptic email from Kristen through Facebook – could she call me? The next morning she called me on the phone – the Texas accent is REAL! And she said she’d been reading my blog and seeing how I interacted on social media and she was impressed. *knock me over – I didn’t think she even knew I existed* Then she offered me a job with WANA Intl. Total turning point for my writing career. Never underestimate who might be reading/watching what you’re doing online. I’ve continued to have opportunities come my way because of my social media work and blogging from people I had no idea were even lurking – using the WANA principles. Thanks for taking a chance on a sight-unseen-Crazy-Canuck, Kristen!

I didn’t have time to visit today (but when has that ever stopped me) but I could’nt resist when I knew my wana mate with the maniacal laugh was prowling around. I was too scared to look but thought what the hell… never been a quitter. I have loved Kristens view of a rest, which roughly translates to … sneak on your phone when hubby is not looking. That’s what I love about you guys the most your sense of fun, apart from all the great tips. Making mischief is great, isn’t it? Now what can we do tommorrow… that’s even more wicked?

I think that’s a good idea but how about later in the week we do a wana peeps hijack … da da da! and we all send you a paragraph each that you can mix up and about mess with … I suppose you would have to give us a word limit and a theme…whatcha think *mad controller* lol?

Sadly, I have stories galore but none involving Kristen. I wish I did, and although I’m an author with the ability to make one up and stick it my next book (insert maniacal laughter here:____), I’ll refrain because I like her too much to put her through high school again.

And as a side note, love the blog terrorism and roast. *applauds* Way to keep Kristen on her toes and the home fires burning, o fellow dweller of the 7th Ring.

For those of you who don’t have a Kristen story, here are a few elements you can use to create your own.

1) Kristen sucks at timezone math
2) Kristen sometimes loses track of the day
3) Kristen has a WANAIntl class scheduled today
4) Kristen has an appointment in Dallas tomorrow
5) Kristen already sent many of the class time corrections since she used Central Time.

If I were to combine those elements, Kristen would call me from Dallas to ask me to log into her WANA class so I could profusely apologize on her behalf for her being ‘unavailable’. Of course, she swore me to silence and told me I couldn’t tell anyone.

Well dear readers, you’re not just anyone.

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

I’ve known Kristen almost since I’ve been online as a writer – 2010. I started my blog and got on Twitter at close to the same time, and met Kristen via Twitter within a couple of months. I think I saw a link to her post about the Top Ten Things about Being a Writer and that gave me an idea for a post on my blog. I thanked her for the inspiration (the first of MANY posts she’s inspired for me), she agreed to my request for a guest post even though my blog was TINY at the time, and we became friends. The rest is history. :)

Unlike many here, I’ve known Kristen since before her classes or books. That meant I didn’t have the benefit of her wisdom ahead of time. Imagine me reading her earlier posts with a cringe, waiting to see what I needed to change. :) Surprisingly, the results were more, “Wow, I actually did this blogging/social media thing right without having a clue.” Her reinforcement that I was on the right path helped give me confidence as a newbie. LOL!

In the big picture, I appreciate the legacy she’s building for writers to support and help each other. The WANA movement is something I believe in 100% and I love the group she’s gathering to create the next generation of writers, from the WANA classes to #MyWANA on Twitter. :)

There. I managed to share a story other than the time I got to hang out with a drunk Kristen. *maniacal laugh* Er… *ahem* I think it must be contagious. ;)

I can only envy you for knowing Kristen as long as you have. I met her about six months ago after commenting on her book, We Are Not Alone. Since then, I have had her on a crystal pedestal and have read all her books. She is one of the great ones. I have commented on her posts, as she has mine.

But now, to find out that there is a story out there that involves a drunk Kristen….well, the stem of that crystal pedestal is starting to faulter. (But I have plenty of duct tape)

Jay’s whole plan will really come to a boil if only hubby Shawn would pipe in. I’m sure he would have plenty to say about Kristen. But then again, we don’t have to live with her…he does.

And for all of this, the only thing Jay has going for him against the ‘Wrath of Kristen’, is that he has his finger on the button that can pull the plug on this whole thing! :)

When I first met Kristen (on-line, then in person at RWA), I thought she was chatty, outgoing, extroverted … basically me on speed. :) I thought she was hugely self-confident, brilliant, and fun. Life of the party kind of fun. I learned at Thrillerfest that, like many creative people (my best friend and daughter included), she’s an introvert at heart. She is brilliant, but she’s also shy, reticent, and incredibly sweet.

Now that I’ve figured this out, she’ll never have any peace if we’re at a conference together again.

I have no juicy deets on Kristen. Yet. Although, I will be in Dallas for a family wedding in late August. Perhaps I should arrange a trip with her to an all male review. I feel certain I would come away with a high number of stories and candid shots. :)

The Energizer Bunny has nothing on Kristen. I first heard her speak at the DFW Writers’ Conference in 2012. It was my first conference and she was my favorite speaker. I saw her several times during the conference and she was never still. She did not walk from place to place, nor did she saunter. She STRODE with speed and purpose. I have been enjoying her blog and all of her books ever since.

One of the blog posts that made me laugh really hard was The Assassin-wich. Not because I think it was funny that Kristen got sick, but I have been there!!

I’m vegetarian and will go to great lengths to inquire about dishes I’m concerned may contain something that once had a foot (oysters) or a mouth (just about every other animal).

Years ago, one waitress assured me the soup was completely vegetarian.

It was not.

After the first round to the bathroom, she admitted to me that she never asked if it really was.

She then inquired what she could do to make it up to me. I’m sure she was thinking I would say pay my bill or give me a free drink. But I thought she should probably see what not checking on someone’s dietary needs does to them.

So for rounds two and three, I made her hold my hair back while I returned the soup to the restaurant’s bathroom.

Hope you have a great roasting, Kristen! And just remember, sometimes in life, we have to practice what we do when we write…show don’t tell.

I wish I had a funny Kristen story, but I don’t – although I have laughed my socks off at some of her posts. Her humor does make the medicine go down oh so smoothly. :-) It has been fun reading some of the other comments. It appears she is as much fun in person as she is on the blog.

Heeeey, I recognize the back of that head! I don’t have a Kristen story either because my senile brain can’t even remember if I stumbled upon Kristen first or Jami Gold first, and found the other through the one. Either way, it was fortuitous because I have learned tons from both of them (and have had some super fun chit chats with you on Twitter!). :)

Can I adopt you Jay?Like Kristen ,you have brightened my day as I am currently in the middle of a massive struggle with the “cubicle babies” at Facebook ( don’t know why I am surprised as it started as a “college” thing) and needed a huge belly laugh just then! Kristen just makes sense,most every blog deals with reality but also has the ability to cheer a struggling writer or even an accomplished one up

I have 2 dreams that felt like a dichotomy until someone told me about her blog post https://warriorwriters.wordpress.com/2012/09/07/when-do-writers-need-multiple-blogs/ which changed my life. I’d read about others who separated their writing life, but it left me feeling split. Like I had to choose between writing and being a professional, especially when the truth is, I need both. That’s when I finally accepted who I am (in a public fashion) and merged my dreams into one platform. Since then I’ve been able to post regularly on both my passions. So, thanks Kristen. And thanks Jay for letting us tell her these things.

I follow Kristen, she’s a blogging goddess. The fact she’s from Texas and that state and I don’t get along doesn’t enter into the fact she dispenses wisdom that is a dichotomy with what I’ve come in contact with in the Lone Star state. And. I’ve heard her voice and t sounds real purty. ‘specially when she’s teachin’.

I have no personal roast stories of Kristen; however, this year I attended the Writers Conference and sitting in a huge SRO class this blonde chick near the front of the class kept making insightful comments during the Q&A time. She commented on a variety of topics—medicine, neuroscience, psychology, marketing, writing—you name it, and I thought to myself, “this chick is really smart—she has got her act together.” After the class, I attempted to make my way through the crowd, much like a salmon swimming upstream. A few feet short of the goal, I realized my next class was about to start, I admitted defeat and turned to go without meeting the blonde know-it-all (typed with nothing but love and respect). Someone in the crowd called out “Kristen! Kristen Lamb!” I am a huge fan of Kristen and the WANNA movement, so I whirled around to see if I could see her—to my delight the blonde chick answered! OMgosh! I rushed to meet her, pushing several writers out of my way. Unfortunately, I was so in awe I could only gush “I love your blog.” (Truthfully, several blogs come to my email box and I make sure I read Kristen’s first—in case I am unable to read anything else.)

I do not mean to pry, but you don’t by any chance happen to have six fingers on your right hand, do you, Jay?

Inconceivable that you would actually blog-jack Kristen!

In reading all these great comments, I see “the battle of wits has begun.”

Lots of witty comments in here, and I loved reading them. I’m looking forward to Kristen’s reaction to this wonderful high-jacking. When it comes to witty, she’s the best.

I’ve taken three of Kristen’s Blogging For Author Brand classes. Just can’t get enough and she’s always learning new and better things to teach us. These last two classes are now officially locked in Hotel California. I’m one of these lucky WANAs. Locked in Hotel California with Kristen and my WANA classmates. Forever! I’m pretty stoked cuz I don’t wana evuh check out.

When I heard Kristen would be in SoCal last year for the RWA conference and there’d be a WANA get-gether while she was here, I couldn’t believe it. I HAD to meet her. I was fortunate to meet her at the hostess with the mostest Jenny Hansen’s. We joked online about getting a bounce house, and sure enough, there was one in the front yard when I pulled up (after driving around lost for a half hour. I don’t have On Star, just a sucky GPS that loses satellite reception constantly).

Bounce house, bubblegum cigarettes, and buffalo burgers! Need I say more? I jumped for joy in the bounce house (but was out of breath in five minutes) because I got to meet my idol. I didn’t know it at the time, but she had a concussion. The trunk top fell on her head the day she had to speak at RWA, left a big gash on her head. She sucked it up and gave her talk at RWA, which I didn’t attend, so the WANA gathering at Jenny’s worked out perfect. It was awesome hanging out with our WANA mama and the other WANAs, even if only for a few hours. Even with a concussion and being exhausted, Kristen was still witty. And sweet. And sincere. She’s the real deal.

I don’t think I’d still be blogging if it wasn’t for Kristen. And her humor rocks. How many people can teach nonfiction and make it humorous?

Glad you high-jacked her blog, Jay.

And I’m glad I finally got a chance to leave this comment. Have tried off and on all day, but the babies conspired against me.

On that note, I need to go fix another bottle. Her baby wails translate into: “I donna suppose you could speed things up?

I thought about leaving a slice of roast about Kristen getting her Fridays and Saturdays mixed up, but I do that stuff all the time, so who am I to talk? I get lost all the time, too, even going around the block, but thankfully I never ended up in another state. Kristen promised to share that story with me sometime. Whenever you’re ready, Kristen. Just give us warning so I can get my tissue out cuz when I laugh real hard, I cry and need to blow my nose.

Seriously, I appreciate all the moments you’ve made me laugh out loud!

Hardest working procrastinator that I’ve ever met. While she is a geek, she also is an extrovert that won’t stay out of your business if she latches on to it like a rabid frothing at the mouth ferret. She is a team player, no really, she requires a team. Her idea of vacation is getting away and not doing anything, catching up on sleep, and writing fiction non stop while twitching at all the things she wants to clean. And when I leave for a bit, I come back, and she’s cleaning… Ok, she is the sweetest, big hearted, caring, hard working, fantastic mother, and phenomenal wife a dewd could like have. Fer sher. She’s currently spazn to like get back n stuff, cuz she like totally misses blogn and teachn and like being home fer sher. Live ya honey and keep up the good work. And Jay, thank you a thousand times for all you do. Like, totally fer sher.

Hey! This is AWESOME! I Met Jami and Kristen separately, which is intriguing after reading Jami’s story. Jami, I met through edittorrent blog, and boy did we get up to some Shenanigans there! I think the bloggers are still recovering. Kristen, I met online either late 2009/early 2010–*ahem* we shall NOT talk of my senility here–on twitter, and helped promote her book and blog. She’s pretty dang awesome. I’m still not a natural at the bloggy thingy ala Jami or Kristen, but I know it helped me to keep on my dream with people like them in my corner. She’s a lot of fun with a good head on her shoulders…and a good gun. Jay, you are in. T.R.O.U.B.L.E.

*ponders on the fact Jay knows how to run her blog/website better than she does*

Well, I love to misbehave in general, but I really love misbehaving with Kristen. I took her blogging class back in early 2011 and that was the beginning of “More Cowbell” and many, many other things. Kristen has some serious cowbell.

My favorite conversation with her ever was the day after she bashed her head on my trunk (pictures of her Lady Gaga icepack in the post):

Like Piper, I too witnessed Kristen’s use of the On Star service. And I can swear it was TOTALLY not her fault that we were lost and driving in circles for over an hour while trying to find our way back to DFW! After the conference Kristen was kind enough to put up with my company for several days, and I had such an amazing time. I won’t ever forget the hours of brainstorming as we “talked shop”, all Kristen’s yummy cooking, 4-wheeling fun in the middle of night, and long, relaxing evenings chatting on the front porch with coyotes howling in the distance. Good times!

I have always learned those who can’t learn teach. But i know Kristen has learned so much because she regularly spreads this knowledge through her posts. Perhaps she has not exactly learned who to trust.

Jolene here, Checking in from Hotel California. Kristen does more than teach – she creates community. During one webinar class she got times confused and she had the spawn – she didn’t let it slow her down. As the professional she is she delivered the class and taught us more than just branding – We have lives and it’s ok when it get messy. You just keep moving forward.

My blog and bio get many compliment because she shared her time and talents so generously.

I did have to tell her no once – She wanted me to listen to the bluebonnets and makes a promise to them. Sorry Kristen but I have enough voices in my head with out added the Texas Bluebonnet.

You know that kid who stands on the high diving board and never jumps off? That was me–completely terrified to jump into the deep end. Thank you, Kristen, for getting me into the water and swimming. Mwah!