Monday, 23 December 2013

This time last year, I had a bit of a brainstorm when it
came to decorating the tree. I insisted on trying to make it look 'chic'.

When the kids protested - kids have the worst taste in the
world - I responded with a candour brought about by fatigue, and probably a
glass of mulled wine.

'I can't bear another
year with a tree that looks crap!' I may have said.

Daughter number two was furious.

'Well, I can't bear you trying to make our tree look
like it belongs in a hotel lobby!' she retorted.

I know. Pretty good comeback, right?

Yeah, but it didn't stop me sending her - and the rest of
them - upstairs to bed. I then spent a pleasant hour tying red ribbons on the
evergreen boughs with Bing Crosby crooning in the background.

This year though, I've seen the light.

Not only did I let
them have free rein for Halloween, I'm taking a similarly chilled approach to Christmas.

This is the year that I let the kids vomit decorations onto the tree, although
I am drawing the line at tinsel and an inflatable Santa in the garden.

Daughter number two is pleased with my rehabilitation.

'You see Mum?' she
said the other day, 'You're doing really
well, you're really relaxed this year!'

(She's right. Do you think it's because of the Evening
Primrose Oil I'm taking? Astonishing stuff.)

I'm also taking a relaxed approach to cake decorating. I'm
calling a fatwa on faux chic and 'lifestyle' photo shoots. This year it's all
about slopping glacé icing onto cakes, nibbling on crisps and drinking wine.

It makes me more relaxed, the kids love it and I'll worry
about my liver in the new year.

So here are my shabby chic bakes. It was totally therapeutic
to not get stressed about making them look pretty. I commend this haphazard
approach to you all. This could be one of the merriest ChristmasesEVER!

And, in my new role as laid back baker, I'm offering you a choice
of decorating techniques.

First up, what I'm calling the 'no technique'. That's right,
throw out the rules and eat naked cake. Coffee was made for naked cake.

Naked as the day it was baked

Next, your icing runneth over. Drip on the icing - who cares
if it runs off the edge - then drop on the silver balls. If you look really
closely, you'll see that the silver coating from the balls has 'bled' onto the
icing. That totally encapsulates the spirit of laid back Christmas, love
it.

Get your drizzle on. Well, if you can. I discovered that I'm
not really down with the whole drizzling thing. I managed it for this cake, but
the rest of the mini cupcakes were more...splodged.

Festive baubles on mini cupcakes are a joy to behold.
Observe the dollops of icing. Not intentional and not a problem.

If you're really pristine, this may be an icing/cake
stacking step too far. But how's this for a sort of cake snowman effect? Double
cake. Bonus.

And THIS is how casual Christmas should look:

It's a mishmash of well intentioned baking plans. And if
they've gone a little awry? It matters not one jot.

Merry Chilled Out Christmas!!

Mincemeat cakes
(makes approximately 16 cakes, or 1 loaf)

The easiest way to make these is with a mixer. If you don't
have one, well it's nearly Christmas and you can totally justify rushing out to
buy one. If you want to make this as a loaf, use a 22cm x 12cm loaf tin. You'll need to cover
with tin foil halfway through the baking to ensure the centre cooks and the top
doesn't burn. (Can I just say, I'm not a fan of loaves? They are such a faff to
bake. But maybe you have superior loaf-baking skills? I wish you well.)

If using an egg free version of the recipe, put the egg
replacer powder and linseeds into a small bowl and whisk to a paste with the
milk/coconut milk or apple juice. Set aside. Line a muffin tin with cupcake cases,
or if making a loaf, line the loaf tin with baking parchment. Heat the oven to
180°Celsius / Gas Mark 4.

Put the margarine/butter, sugar, eggs or egg replacing mix
and syrup/treacle into a mixing bowl/KitchenAid (or similar). Beat or blitz
until combined. Add the flour, bicarbonate of soda and baking powder and mix
again until incorporated. Add the mincemeat and mix. Add enough milk/coconut
milk to give a soft dropping consistency, about 2-4 tablespoons.

Spoon tablespoons of the mix into the cupcake cases (or
scrape it all into a loaf tin) and bake for 15-20 minutes, or until the cakes
have risen and are springy. Remove from the oven and allow to cool
completely.(For a loaf, expect to bake it for about an hour/hour fifteen, until
it has risen and an inserted skewer comes out clean. Once the loaf has risen -
after about 30 minutes - cover with tin foil so that the centre bakes and the
top doesn't burn.)

For the icing, sieve the icing sugar into a bowl and add
enough water to make a fairly runny icing. This is a trial and error process,
so you may end up sieving in more icing sugar until you get the consistency you
require.

Then set your creative spirit free. Drizzle, splodge, smear,
splatter, sprinkle. Anything goes and everything is OK. (I may make that a
motto for life.)

Friday, 6 December 2013

20 days to go. That's two lots of ten or four lots of five. Whichever way you cut it, we ain't got long

I spend most of my life feeling like a freak.

I dress
differently to most people (for 'differently' read 'scruffily'), I'm a little
offbeat and I am the queen of the inappropriate comment in polite society. (I'm still squirming over a comment I made at a swimming
gala last weekend. Whole other story.)

And never do I feel more out of step than at Christmas.

I watch in amazement as sane, rational peers - who
presumably grew up like me in the '70's when Christmas meant a Tiny Tears and a
Chocolate Orange - drop bone shuddering amounts of cash on their offspring for
Christmas.

This isn't me being a fiscal prude, I am talking £500 per
child. At least £500 per child.

To put this in context, £500 would buy me a week long ski pass to the Quatre Vallées and still give me change for vin chaud at the top of
the Veysonnaz. A much more reasonable way to spend £500, I'm sure you'll agree.

Does no one else feel a little bit sickened by an iPad here,
a Wii there and a pair of Ugg boots over yonder? All ripped open and cast aside
with a careless thank you and a shifty look under the tree for the next
expensive present.

I know I sound humbug-ish and of course I'm going to treat
my kids, (and the music teachers, swim coaches, class teachers, babysitter,
neighbour and the postman) but the gifts are going to be modest.

Because - news flash - my kids will still have a lovely Christmas
with a good stash of thoughtful gifts, a hearty family meal, crappy crackers, a
silly hat and a box set of Mr Bean. Yes they might wish for an iMacpadAir (or
whatever) but if wishes were horses...

So is it impossibly whimsical and schmaltzy to say,
'Christmas is about family rather than greedy consumption'?

Well I've said it anyway and that's what I truly believe.

Apart from when it comes to chocolate.

When it comes to chocolate and Christmas, it's perfectly OK
to gorge until you are actually sick. (In fact vomiting might even be necessary
so that you can carry on consuming.)

More critically-minded readers will see that this is an easy
way to get a festive post in before the grim reality of Christmas hits and
there'll be no more blogging from me because I'll be rocking in a corner in the
foetal position.

Gluten free Rocky
Road

Although Rocky Road is usually made with ground up biscuits,
I pretend to myself that using rice cereal makes this healthier. Tesco does a gluten free rice cereal, although the 'May Contain' lists nuts and soya.
You could opt for your usual brand of 'safe' biscuits instead, or you could bake a batch of my GF, EF, DF ginger biscuits and crunch them up.

Line a brownie tin with baking parchment and set aside. In a large saucepan, melt the dairy free margarine and
chocolate over a low heat. Add the golden syrup and stir to combine. Remove
from the heat and spoon about five tablespoons of the chocolate mix into a bowl
and set aside.

Add the rice cereal/biscuits and marshmallows to the
saucepan and stir until everything is coated in chocolate. Yum! Scrape the mix
into the brownie tin and level with the back of the spoon.

Drizzle the reserved chocolate onto the surface of the Rocky
Road and use the back of a spoon to spread it around. Don't worry if you don't
coat the surface evenly, no one is going to care.

Sprinkle the surface of the Rocky Road with pretty, festive
sprinkles and place the brownie tin in the refrigerator until the Rocky Road
has set.

Slice into squares and cram into your mouth to alleviate Christmas
stress and the horrors of Western consumption.

It's always a good time to make...

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Pig is feeling the lurve...

‘I've been cooking your recipes for 2 years and you are my God, Guru, Oh Great One...down here in New Zealand we eat one of your recipes at least once a day.’Diane, New Zealand

"Thank you so much for this recipe. I'm a total baking novice (I had to buy everything, right down to measuring spoons and scales to make these), but I really wanted to be able to make something for my my egg/dairy-free daughter while she was home for Christmas. These came out so well when I was having a practise run that I actually took one in a tiny cake tin to Heathrow to meet her! I made them many times while she was here, including for Christmas breakfast, and when she was leaving I made them again to take back to the airport with us. They were like little beacons of love, with added chocolate!" Anne

Hi Pig! Just wanted to share that although we've had the fab news my boy can now eat cooked egg as an ingredient and I'm baking like a crazed Mary Berry on steroids, he still is adamant that CAKE OF SUCCESS is the best cake in the world!!!! So I wont be throwing away the golden syrup or linseeds too soon! Lucy, Wales xxxx

'Great blog - your photos are gorgeous! Thanks for sharing all your great recipes with the world! :)'The Marketing Mama

'Dear Pig,I came across your blog after it was mentioned on mumsnet. I am practically crying.Thank you. Not only is there an overwhelming richness in terms of foods and recipe variations but all of the stories too!Bless you XXX'Anon

'I made the bread rolls yesterday. They were fabulous. Is here an appropriate place to admit that I ate all six?'MommaloveUk

The great thing about your recipes is that they are designed for a busy mum. I can buy nearly all the ingredients at the supermarket and most of them seem pretty hard to get wrong. Your blog has saved me hours of frustration trying to adapt normal recipes, saved me tons of money in ingredients and saved my dog from type II diabetes I am sure :-) Anyway we are most grateful! Sam(via email)

'Hi, another new adept here... After being given your site info from my sister who's in England, I immediately searched your recipes for something to give a horde of 8-year-old boys coming to my son's birthday party. Your chocolate cupcakes were an absolute hit with everyone. Thank you!'Kevyn, Canada

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Reader Vicki Groth's husband while eating Pear Crumble. He is clearly a man with Good Taste.