Friday, September 17, 2010

Yeah, long time no see from me. I know. I could tell you I've been super busy. And that would be mildly true. But mostly I've been apathetic. Just keepin' it real. Apathetic to certain disciplines in my life that I generally try to keep up such as writing. But I don't feel bad about it.

That being said, there's a lot that's been begging to be blogged about in life and hopefully one day I will succeed. Until then, something has been on my heart this morning.

A few days ago I was trying to remember that proverbial saying...something about seeing a forest and trees...dangit how's it go?

Oh, I can't see the forest for the trees.

Thank you google.

Yes it's true that I, like so many others, tend to lose sight of the beauty of the forest because I'm all hung up in the dang trees.

The first thing that's important to say is that for a long, long time I have been craving time to just sit and read and journal and listen to music outside at a coffee shop. Just uninterrupted time to simply be. That's all I've wanted for months and somehow, I always miss my chance. We'll get back to that later.

Moving on, to be very real and transparent, one of my greatest struggles and sources of pride is about money. I don't crave it. I don't long to be rich. I don't "need" lots of things to be happy. I don't even need to make more than I need to eat and have shelter to be happy.

BUT.

My struggles come in other ways. Getting frustrated that I'm at a job where I don't get paid what other people in my field would get. Getting frustrated that I haven't gotten a raise because the economy is bad. Getting frustrated that I acquired debt in college that I now feel chained to. Getting fearful when unexpected expenses came up. Getting anxious when even the possibility of unexpected expenses come up.

I don't seek material things but I do seek financial security.

Yes, my independent streak ignites when it comes to financial situations and I want to be able to take care of myself.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

About a month ago I came up with a very clear budget and plan that would take me through December and would help me pay off some of that aformentioned debt. And at that time I prayed a very specific prayer, "God please. I beg you. No surprises. Nothing unexpected. Please." It was bold and maybe even selfish, but I asked anyway.

That's why when a few days ago the emergency brake in my car exploded, no really, and a dashboard light started flashing and the brakes started squealing my stomach sank.

Here it comes...the unexpected expense that always happens when I think I have a plan.

So, at 7:00 a.m. this morning I showed up at the car shop I most recently took my car to and asked them to fix a couple of specific things. They called 30 minutes later to tell me that I had about $800 worth of brake work I needed to get done fairly immediately in order for my car to be safe.

There it was. And I did it. I thought, "God, why?" No answer.

I sat in the coffeeshop I was in and let a few tears out, made a phone call for some much needed reassurance and went on figuring out how to make this work. After walking back to the car shop I told them I needed to go home and get my credit card and I'd be back.