News Goes Nuts! Testicle Trials Run Rampant in American Courtrooms

“Three’s a trend” is the refrain of writers and editors in pitch meeting across the country (you know, for all those papers that participate in the murky business of trend stories). So, in our daily perusal of the Courthouse News Service, The Observer feels it is necessary to point out the amount of testicle-related conflicts sweeping the nation’s courtrooms. You’ve heard of articles, charticles and listicles. Reader, here come the testicles!

In Bonneau, South Carolina a woman, Virginia Tice, is fighting a $445 ticket regarding her placement of so-called “truck nutz,” dumb novelty testicles that people usually hang from their truck’s trailer hitch for reasons that are far beyond The Observer’s understanding. Bonneau police chief Franco Fuda said “Tice’s testicles violate a state law that deems decals, devices and bumper stickers indecent if they offensively depict “sexual acts, excretory functions, or parts of the human body.”

In Brooklyn, a detective told a judge “his testicles were nearly bitten by a cocaine runner after a high-speed car chase.” Frankly, The Observer can’t possibly imagine any high-speed car chase that ends in the biting of testicles. Did they park and remove their pants? The details given in court by both the detective and the perp are hazy indeed. The judge said Monday that “the scales of justice hanged in ‘equipoise,’” not unlike a pair of testicles.

A student in Minnesota is trying to prevent his transfer from a high school in which he participated in a “tea bagging” hazing ritual in an incident that occurred during a high school baseball team trip to Florida. If you don’t know what tea bagging is, you’re reading the wrong blog post, buddy. A federal judge has declined to issue a preliminary injunction to the student, saying he “is so unlikely to prevail on the merits of his procedural due-process claims that, even if he will suffer irreparable harm from the transfer…a preliminary injunction is not warranted.” Though the student’s own testicles were not involved in the incident, he was an accomplice, having helped to hold the victim down while another student administered his own testicles onto the victim’s face. Team sports! The Observer was always more of a solitary kind of guy.