The Dreadcruiser gets a call from the coolest guy in the coldest legion.

Script

Troopers: Scareduke

By Ben Joseph, Owen Parsons & Patrick Cassels

INT. DREADCRUISER (DREADLORD'S CHAMBER)
Dreadlord sticks a wire hanger under his mask and scratches.
COMM OFFICER (V.O.)
DREADLORD SINISTER! INCOMING
MESSAGE FROM THE ALPHA FLEET!
DREADLORD
Alpha Fleet? I can't even express
how annoyed I am right now. ARGH!
(beat)
Eh, that wasn't bad. Patch him
through. Wait.
(removes hanger)
OK.
A LARGE SCREEN behind Dreadlord flashes on, introducing
SCAREDUKE DEVIOUS, a buff, chill space-conqueror with no
shirt and an eye-visor. Think Dreadlord, but way cooler.
SCAREDUKE
Dreadlord Sinister, hombre! How
things be on the DC?
DREADLORD
(sighs)
Scareduke Devious. Let me guess.
Your never ending parade of
victories continues.
SCAREDUKE
Negatory maximus. This campaign's a
total bust. Six hours and we've
only conquered two planets.
A pleasant "bing" sounds.
SCAREDUKE
Wait, scratch that, three planets!
We hear some quick, bro-ish cheering from Scareduke's ship.
DREADLORD
(killing him)
Wow. Good... good job.
SCAREDUKE
Ah! Don't use the "j" word, hombre.
This be a passion: cruisin' the
galaxy, squashing freedom, racking
up bookoo points for the Legion.
DREADLORD
Yes. Bookoo. What is it you want?
Scareduke casually rolls a yellow SPACE JOINT.
SCAREDUKE
Well we've been picking up some
mondo distress calls from y'alls.
DREADLORD
Distress calls? Not from us. This
ship is a well-oiled machine, full
of deadly, elite troopers.
RICH and LARRY enter.
RICH
Sir, Larry spilled orange soda on
the console and won't clean it up!
LARRY
Rich won't buy me a new orange
soda!
RICH
Oh my God! Scareduke Devious!
(to Larry; sotto)
Larry, it's Scareduke.
LARRY
I know, I noticed him first.
RICH
Same time?
LARRY
Agreed.
SCAREDUKE
Please, guys, call me Deevs.
DREADLORD
Do not call him Deevs.
LARRY
Deevs - sorry - I thought you were
locked in combat with Torg the
Unconquerable.
SCAREDUKE
Conquered him. Funny story--
DREADLORD
ACTUALLY I was just telling
Scareduke of your bravery. Surely
you've done something-
Larry opens a new ORANGE SODA.
DREADLORD
(dubious)
-competent recently.
Beat. Rich and Larry aren't sure how to respond.
RICH
Oh! OK. One time that lizard guy
escaped-
LARRY
-and no one could find him until
Rich realized there was one place
he could be.
RICH
At which point Larry spilled his
orange soda on the console. And I
was like, "Larry, you spilled
orange soda on the console."
LARRY
-and I was like, "Rich, buy me a
new orange soda."
RICH / LARRY
And then we, you know, came here.
Dreadlord just stares.
SCAREDUKE
(reading)
Right on. Back to these distress
calls: says here you dudes flooded
your ship; you were enslaved by
Demolkian baboons, 7 months later,
wow, you were still baboon slaves;
then, after that you ejected all
your oxygen.
DREADLORD
Oxygen AND baboons and I told you
those calls weren't from us.
SCAREDUKE
Wow. Mea culpa, hombre. Lemme make
it up to you: we're having a little
celebration luau for the
six...(BING)...seven planets we
conquered if you want to swing by.
DREADLORD
I would love to, but every day's a
celebration over here.
An abrasive ALARM goes off on the Dreadcruiser.
COMM OFFICER (V.O.)
Sorry, sir it's my first day, but
there's some sort of lizard monster
killing all of us up here. Is that
supposed to happen?
(listens to O.C.)
No? OK, Jeremy says no.
The Comm Officer SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER. An awkward beat.
Dreadlord reaches over and turns off the comm.
SCAREDUKE
(signals to O.C. guards)
Sounds heavy. I'll send some
troopers to lock that down for you.
DREADLORD
No! Do not send help! SCAREDUKE?!
ON SCREEN: Scareduke is getting up. STEEL DRUM MUSIC plays.
SCAREDUKE
Sorry, can't hear you. They're
about to crown the limbo king.
Someone O.C. tosses Scareduke a gold crown.
SCAREDUKE
Uh oh! Me? It's me! Aw, you guys!
The transmission cuts out. Rich & Larry excitedly murmur
about how cool Scareduke is. DL turns to them dramatically.
DREADLORD
Unbelieveable! Go capture that
lizard-man, my... home- home-brays.
LARRY
Sir, are you trying to talk like
Scareduke?
DREADLORD
What? No! You know you two are
my... hhhhome-brays.
(awkward beat)
JUST GO!
They scurry out. Dreadlord tries out a cool gesture.
DREADLORD
Home-brays.
END.