Obsessed with Hannah

Hannah the Usul: rags to riches Neopet, known for wandering muddy, wet caves filled
with treasure, dynamite, water, and pirates. Well, you might not have seen a pirate,
but she has; just read about her story in the Neopedia. But what if that’s not
enough? Some die-hard Hannah fans are probably lurking out their, thinking ‘This
doesn’t tell us anything about her except she found a shiny rock and tried to
blow up her uncle. We don’t even know if she ever escaped.’ Well, fear not, dear
Neopians. I have decided to conduct an interview with Hannah, and ask her some
of the questions you are thinking.

Well, that was my plan. When asking around on Krawk Island, no one had seen
the Usul for some time. Realizing that this could only mean one thing, I strapped
on my Lucky Green Climbing Boots and headed straight to the Pirate Caves (via
the gameroom, of course). After hours of searching through water, breaking wooden
crates, dodging Pawkeets and Mirgles and Ghosts (Oh My!), and getting a snazzy
new avatar, I finally found the girl in an underground river, drifting unconsciously
with a tiny stream of bubbles coming from her nose. I quickly brought her above
the water and dragged her to shore. She coughed up water and sat up immediately.

Hannah: *Hack* *Hack* *Cough* - Who are *Cough* you?

Me: I’m just your friendly Neopian Times Interviewer. Now I have some
questions for you…

Hannah (Interrupting): Well, that’s good, but I really must go.
I am in a huge hurry, after all. Treasure to get, you see. (She starts to leave)

Me: Wait, can’t I just ask you some questions? I did save your life
after all.

Hannah: (She pauses to think) Oh, it can’t hurt too much. (She returns
to where she was sitting on the ground) What do you want to know?

Me: First of all, why are you in such a hurry?

Hannah: Well, I’m going to be leaving the Pirate Caves soon, and heading
off to the Ice Caves. I have no clue what to expect there, but I don’t think
there will be quite so much treasure. That’s why I’m in a hurry: now that I’m
leaving, I want to get as much gold as I can first.

Me: Okay, that makes some sense. Do you think that you will ever come back
here after you head off to the Ice Caves?

Hannah: I don’t really know, but to be honest, I doubt it. I suspect
that the Game Graveyard (Hannah shivers) will be getting a new addition then.

Me: Will you miss the pirate caves?

Hannah: Definitely not! I’m sick of these chambers. Sure, there is treasure
everywhere, but there is also 8 ways to die. Want to hear them? Spikes, drowning
…

Me (Interrupting): No, I don’t.

Hannah (Continuing): Dynamite, crushing, evil Petpets, ghouls,
getting shot by arrows, and having so much gold you’re weighed down and can’t
swim to the surface.

Me: Thanks for telling me, but doesn’t that last one count as drowning?

Hannah: Not really, it would be better to call it greed, and it happens
far too often.

Me: Well thanks, I guess (Now I shiver). Moving on. In the Neopedia
articles of you in the caves, you aren’t wearing any shoes, and neither were
you while you were exploring, but at the ‘Better Than You’ challenge, you were
wearing shoes. Why is this?

Hannah: Well, I only left the pirate caves for the first time a couple
days ago. I spent ages in there! But anyways, I could finally cash in my gold
and gems for a decent pair of shoes.

Me: Is that all you got?

Hannah: Of course not. I got my own action figure, and a nice shiny
dubloon with a scimitar on it (Hannah produces a Hannah Action Figure and a
Platinum Dubloon).

Me: That’s pretty nice (She puts the things away). So tell me, do you
think you will have a pair of shoes in the Ice Caves? I mean, will you bring
those, or get another pair, or take those off?

Hannah: I hope I have a pair of shoes then. Cold feet are horrid. Of
course, you never do know. Maybe I’ll get a pair like that (She points at my
Lucky Green Boots).

Me: These? They’re pretty nice, but it is a hassle to climb around in
them. I’ve already gotten blisters from just today.

Hannah: Still, they can’t be worse than going barefoot the whole time.
You should be glad that you thought to bring them.

Me: That’s true. Why didn’t you bring a pair when you first went in?

Hannah: I was in a hurry. My uncle Bloodhook, the treacherous, mutinous
Eyrie that he is, was looking for my grandpa’s treasure, and I had to beat him
to it. Didn’t even have time to grab my usual sword.

Me: Are you good with a sword?

Hannah: I’m mediocre with it, but it’s better than nothing. Then I could
have given those Petpets a little surprise…

Me: So, you said your uncle Bloodhook was trying to get your grandfather’s
treasure. The legend goes that you escaped from the scurvy pirate and kept The
Mermaid’s Tear too yourself. Is this true?

Hannah: Well, I suppose it is, more or less. I did escape from him,
but I…

Me: What?

Hannah (blushing): I got lost. That’s why I was in those caves
for such a long time…

Me (trying not to laugh): Didn’t you have a map? *Chuckle* I
mean, everyone knows that you had one.

Hannah: I did, but I dropped it while I was running from Uncle, and
when I pushed a barrel of black powder at him, it exploded.

Hannah: I’m not entirely sure, myself. When I tried to explode him,
not the map, I caused an avalanche, trapping me in and him out. When I finally
got out, I tried to track him down, but failed. I’ll keep looking. Who knows?
I might even find the guy in the ice caves!

Me: Well thanks for the interview. Two more things, though. Do you like
asparagus?

Hannah: Asparagus?! Blech!! Can’t stand the stuff!

Me: Not even Borovan?

Hannah: Nope. Why?

Me: And have you ever found a cave filled with White Weewoos?

Hannah: Yeah, as a matter of fact… wait a second… Why?

Me: Nothing! (I get up and run away)

Hannah: Do you work with the Neo… (voice trails off in the distance)

Well there you have it, folks. After a chilling escape from a confused Usul
adventurer and a heart beating like mad as I scooped up coins while fleeing,
I have finally managed to deliver this article to Snowflake, only to be turned
down twice (thrice, unless you’re reading this) in a sob story that would bring
tears to your eyes. I have fulfilled my quest. Send questions, comments, ideas,
ravings, advice, or pretty much anything else (I like getting Neomail) to me,
and I might respond. But only if this is published! And thanks to my brother
for his mediocre job at proof reading and providing input on what’s funny (what
he doesn’t laugh at)

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