After Valentines Day, people often ask each other, “What did you do?” eyes wide with anticipation to hear the big reveal…

“We spent a weekend away in the wine country.”

“He bought me a sparkly, expensive necklace.”

“We went to a spa and had a mud bath, couples massage and champagne with strawberries.”

“He bought me a dozen roses and huge heart shaped box of chocolates.”

All of those are lovely and wonderful ways to commemorate Valentines Day. I do wonder whether the anticipatory build up and the actual meaning gets a little confused, creating inadvertent pressure on couples to try to jump through hoops to meet each other’s expectations or as I noted above, the expectations of others.

Do we as a society put too many expectations on love relationships around this holiday?

So what if your friend asked, “What did you do for your anniversary?” and you responded, “We got takeout and sat by the fire with a bottle of wine.” Is that good enough? Isn’t Valentines Day ultimately about paying homage to your loved one and the relationship itself? As many beautiful and expensive ways there are to lavish each other, is it not equally as valid if it’s pared down into the simplicity of quality, uninterrupted time spent?

The other day I celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary with my husband, which happens to fall just before Valentines Day. A few people knew we were having an anniversary and of course, asked what we were doing. In the past we have done the weekend away, the nice restaurant out, the gifts … which were all nice. And we might do them again!

But this year, for our 15th anniversary, we went out for an early breakfast then on a hike on a local mountain with a spectacular view of the ocean and San Francisco. We talked about life, our son, our upcoming trip over his school vacation with friends, our concerns and proud moments. Two coyotes approached us on the trail ahead and we marveled at them (he being a mountain biker was completely unfazed, sure enough they trotted off into the bushes when they saw us). We took pictures of the scenery and a few of us. And it was perfect.

Consider what a healthy, happy relationship means to you. Maybe there is more simplicity there than you even realize. Time, connection, communication about things that matter and kindness. The idea of everyone having their own love language, the ways in which they feel loved, is real. Perhaps one (or both) of you truly values receiving tokens of affection and material things matter! We all honor and feel love differently.

My husband happens to never have been a fan of Valentines Day because of the commercialization aspect and our anniversary in such close proximity to it, naturally minimizes the relevance. There just happens to be less weight on it for us and I’m fine with his Valentines Day ambivalence. I make up for it with silly, cute cards and chocolates for him and our son.

As Valentines Day approaches, keep in mind that feeling loved and cared for by each other can occur in very simple ways too. And if people ask what you did, it’s not a competition to measure up in a material way but rather a very personal reflection of what’s important to YOUR relationship. A simple Valentine can have oceans full of depth and meaning too.

]]>http://lightright.net/simple-valentine/feed/0What Can You Do When You’re Shaken?http://lightright.net/what-can-you-do-when-youre-shaken/
http://lightright.net/what-can-you-do-when-youre-shaken/#respondTue, 08 May 2018 18:08:53 +0000http://lightright.net/what-can-you-do-when-youre-shaken/[ad_1] Rick Hanson, PhD, looks at the need we all have to find a place to stand firmly; whether it be physically, psychologically or spiritually.…

Rick Hanson, PhD, looks at the need we all have to find a place to stand firmly; whether it be physically, psychologically or spiritually. He offers ways to find stability when you feel shaken or out of control.

I’ve been to New Zealand, and really respect and like it. There’s a Maori term – turangawaewae, “a place to stand” – that I’ve come back to many times.

I’m sure I don’t know the full meaning of the word in its cultural context. But at a basic level, it’s clear that we all need a place to stand. A physical place to be sure – hearth and home, land and sea, a bed to curl up in – but also psychological or spiritual places, such as feeling loved, a calm clear center inside, knowledge of the facts, compassion and ethics, and realistic plans.

This is our ground, the place we rest in and move out from . . . even under the best of circumstances. And when you’re shaken by events at any scale – from changes in your health to changes in your country or world – then it’s especially important to find and hold your ground.

How?

Start with the body, and the feeling of being here. The sensations of breathing . . . heart beating . . . going on living . . . feet on the floor, back against a chair. Whatever is true now can never be taken from you.

Then, silly as it may seem, it can help to reassure yourself about the immediate survival and welfare of yourself and those you care about. Check in with your kids, your friends. Separate thoughts and fears about the future from the reality of the present. Remind yourself that at least in this moment you and they are still basically OK (of course, only if this is genuinely true).

Know that you stand in a web of relationships even if it’s tattered in some ways. Others do care about you. There is camaraderie with people who are also shaken.

Establish as best you can the relevant facts. What is currently true? What caused it – particularly the causes that will continue? What is likely to happen in the future? But watch out for obsessing, blaming, or catastrophizing. When things are shaky, it’s easy to get revved up in thoughts and analyses, let alone imagined arguments with people on Facebook or TV (speaking from personal experience).

Sort out the impacts of events on you, and on others. Be concrete and realistic about consequences for yourself; don’t under- or over-estimate them. Also recognize any sense of injustice, moral outrage, compassion, or concern about how others will or could be harmed. This is often the most upsetting aspect of a situation, and naming it to yourself is clarifying and grounding, and sets you up to do something about it.

Not an easy thing, but in a way the art is opening your heart to the likely suffering of others while closing your head to those who are trying to get into it to rattle, frighten, infuriate, or confuse you.

Protecting your own interests – Focus on what’s in your control. If these apply: take a fresh look at your health, insurance, finances, loose ends, and plans for an emergency. Make a list and work through it. Personally, I find that action eases anxiety.

For the sake of others – Without falling into righteousness, I think it’s important to be confident about what you know is true and about your values. Why is it that the people who are most ignorant of the facts and most casual about how they’re harming others are often the ones who look most assured, whether it’s across a dining table or on TV? Claim and stand your ground with moral confidence. Not wasting time in dead-end arguments or “feeding the trolls,” but identifying actions that will make a difference – at whatever scale is accessible to you – and then doing them.

Last, know you are not alone. Whatever you are dealing with, from a personal health problem to a worry about a child to a deep concern about global events, other people right now are also dealing with it or something similar. We stand together on common ground.

]]>http://lightright.net/what-can-you-do-when-youre-shaken/feed/0Dating after Divorce and Self-Carehttp://lightright.net/dating-after-divorce-and-self-care/
http://lightright.net/dating-after-divorce-and-self-care/#respondTue, 08 May 2018 18:08:30 +0000http://lightright.net/dating-after-divorce-and-self-care/[ad_1] Psychologist Richard Nicastro encourages a focus on YOU when dating after divorce. He shares tips while keeping a focus on self-care. The great novelist…

Psychologist Richard Nicastro encourages a focus on YOU when dating after divorce. He shares tips while keeping a focus on self-care.

The great novelist W. Somerset Maugham said, “There are 3 rules for writing the novel. The problem is, nobody knows what they are.”

Don’t worry—this isn’t an article about writing. It really is about dating. But Maugham’s quote is relevant here because, as with anything as complex and unpredictable as dating, and, more specifically, dating after a divorce, there’s no way to capture it with something as linear and direct as “rules.”

But, with that said, we need to apply some shape, right? Some feel for next steps or approaches? As cognitive humans, we thrive both on the freedom of our choices and the knowledge that a certain structure exists to limit us, within reason. (Being in an unfamiliar situation with zero limitations can feel terrifying and immobilizing.)

With the spirit of that in mind, here are some “rules” from the desk of a psychologist and couples counselor to you. Not the rules, but just some friendly tips for dating after divorce. And of course, with any advice, you are free to take it in, ignore it, or personalize it.

1 – Be kind to yourself.

All too often, we think of self-care as selfish. If there’s any one theme I carry through from article to article, it’s the message that that couldn’t be further from the truth. Being kind to yourself not only benefits you, it benefits those around you (because you’re more likely to respond to them from a place of kindness.)

Kindness does not mean weakness! You can be courageous and kind. (And you can also be fearful and cruel.)

So, with that plug for self-kindness out the way, let’s look at what being unkind to yourself when you’re dating after divorce looks like:

Applying pressure or imposing a timetable is not kind (i.e., “I’ve been divorced for one year; I’d better start dating, even though I don’t feel ready” or “I’d better have 3 dates per week”; or “I’d better be in a long-term relationship within 3 months”), nor is comparing yourself to others (“Sheila found someone on Match-dot-com within one month…I’m still languishing” or “Bill’s marriage didn’t fall apart like mine; he doesn’t need to be worried about dating at our age”).

Although applying internal pressure and listening to a mean inner voice that compares you to others may feel “natural,” it actually isn’t. That doesn’t mean you should feel bad when you experience them…it just means that you now have new (kinder) information that can allow you to step back, realize you are not that voice or those arbitrary pressures, and that you’re already in the most important, lasting relationship there is…the relationship with yourself.

Sometimes that re-frame can give you a more balanced perspective when you’re dating after divorce, and can allow you to take things as they come rather than forcing something that ultimately won’t be right for you.

2 – Respect your intuition: Listen to your small, still voice.

“Hmmm….did he just say that? Well, maybe he didn’t mean it. Or maybe never washing his hands after using the bathroom is just a metaphor for something else…”

Or…

“Oh, wow, I think she just deliberately shoved that elderly man out of the way so she could get in line before him. No, it couldn’t be. Maybe the man stepped aside on his own. Or his walker toppled on its own. And he—mostly—looks okay, so there’s no harm done…”

Dating as an adult is hard (I’m not suggesting it’s not hard for teenagers…anytime we open ourselves to rejection we make ourselves vulnerable; however, youth typically rebounds much quicker and doesn’t make sweeping assumptions about not having a date on a Friday night, like that means they’ll always be alone). So, dating as an adult is tough, especially given that roughly 50% of adults are already partnered and therefore no longer in the dating pool.

And because it’s hard, there’s a tendency to quash that small, still voice of your intuition before you even hear it. Sometimes we make decisions based on desperation (“I’d better keep dating him because I don’t have any other dates lined up!”) instead of reason (“I don’t really enjoy being with him all that much…wouldn’t I be happier spending time at home watching Netflix or reading a novel?”).

But when you slow down, trust yourself, and quiet the chatter around you and in your head with the goal of getting in touch with your inner guidance system, you will make better decisions for you.

(And keep in mind that we all have intuition. So it’s not something that you need to work at bolstering or something you need to conjure up. It’s a matter of deciding to delay acting on the knee-jerk impulse—which usually isn’t intuition—and wait to hear what your inner wisdom has to tell you.)

3 – Try, as best you can, to stay in the present moment.

This is easier said than done, I realize, which is why I’m stressing the try. After all, aren’t we told that the thing to do with mistakes is learn from them? Aren’t we supposed to gather wisdom from what we did wrong so that we can avoid repeating errors in the future?

Well, maybe, but the assumption there is that somehow your divorce represents a “failure.” And I ask you to resist that label, no matter how often you might hear others applying it to their own relationship histories.

Despite the pain you experienced at the dissolution of your marriage, you went into the relationship making the best decision you could at the time, with the information you had at the time, and with who you were (and with who your partner was) at the time. So to label it a mistake, or to see yourself as a failure because the marriage didn’t survive, is not only incorrect, but can be detrimental to your dating life. (A healthy degree of self-confidence lays the groundwork for a healthier dating life. It’s not exactly confidence-building to carry what you think of as a giant mistake around.)

Clearly your memory isn’t wiped clean, nor should it be. And there were of course things you learned about yourself and your relationship needs from your previous marriage(s), and you shouldn’t ignore them (i.e., maybe you learned that you need to be with a person who shares common interests, or maybe you learned you don’t want to date someone who feels especially enmeshed with his/her family of origin). But when you cling to “what went wrong” in your marriage while you’re seeking a new relationship, when you inextricably represent yourself with the past instead of being open to what the present has in store for you, you can feel down about yourself and miss potential gifts that are yours for the unwrapping.

The other thing is that people tend to spend lots of time on first dates—and using painstaking detail—rehashing their divorce (maybe in an attempt to show they weren’t “at fault”). There will be time to share details about your history with someone you’re seeing. The first date may not be the best time, since it may send the message that you’re not fully available, since you’re not truly seeing the person before you, but rather, are still immersed in the minutia of your former marriage.

And, of course, this all gets to the point that dating should be fun!

Have fun.

(Which may be rule #4, but let’s tuck it into 3, shall we? Besides, people don’t have fun because they’re told to, right?)

You can’t have fun when you’re ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. (And a common way future-worry manifests in a dating life is: “I’d better impress him/her so I can be part of a couple again. What if s/he doesn’t want to see me again?”)

Yes, it’s true that rejection never feels good (so that’s an aspect of dating that may not feel fun at all; nor is it fun to have to reject someone). But when you decide to take yourself—and dating in general—less seriously, and when you decide you’re not going to put pressure on yourself to meet Mr./Ms. Right (when you lead with self-kindness, in other words), you can weather the bumps and bruises of being in the dating scene much better than if you tell yourself that fun isn’t a necessary ingredient.

If you’re dating after a divorce, or if you’re getting mentally ready to start dating after a divorce, I hope these tips have been helpful. And above all, I hope the takeaway for you is that you should honor your own journey and respect what’s best for you. Don’t let anyone talk you into starting dating again before you’re ready. And, if you start dating and realize that you weren’t ready after all, treat yourself with kindness if you make the decision to hit the pause button and sit the next few proverbial dances out.

]]>http://lightright.net/dating-after-divorce-and-self-care/feed/0Study: Top 3 Things Couples Fight About and Other Things You Should Knowhttp://lightright.net/study-top-3-things-couples-fight-about-and-other-things-you-should-know/
http://lightright.net/study-top-3-things-couples-fight-about-and-other-things-you-should-know/#respondTue, 08 May 2018 18:08:22 +0000http://lightright.net/study-top-3-things-couples-fight-about-and-other-things-you-should-know/[ad_1] Fresh off attending the 2018 Psychotherapy Networker Symposium in Washington DC, I had the opportunity to attend a workshop with John Gottman. Dr. Gottman…

Fresh off attending the 2018 Psychotherapy Networker Symposium in Washington DC, I had the opportunity to attend a workshop with John Gottman. Dr. Gottman is a dominant figure on the relationship research and couples therapy scene since the mid 80’s, when he began observing couples fighting in his “original couples laboratory,” dubbed the Love Lab. His findings provided some of the scientific underpinnings of what we know about what maintains and erodes intimate relationships.

The Love Lab has been given new life and a new name; the Gottman Love Lab Experience is now being offered as “the world’s first science-based relationship evaluation service,” measuring three primary important areas of your relationship; friendship, conflict and shared meaning.

Along with this cutting edge assessment opportunity for couples who are able to make it to Seattle, Washington, he is also offering therapists a new online tool, the Gottman Relationship Checkup, providing the ability to receive a score reviewing couples strengths and vulnerabilities, with feedback for possible treatment suggestions.

From a recent study Dr. Gottman conducted of 40,000 Relationship Checkup participants, he has new data. I compiled some relationship research nuggets on heterosexual couples from his presentation. You might find some of the results surprising!

For how many couples in therapy is at least one partner considering an exit? 66%

82% of couples are having problems with loneliness in the relationship

What About Problems with Intimacy and Sex?

Romance 83%

Sex Quality 55%

Sex Frequency 49%

How many partners had problems with trust? 66%

The Top 3 Things Couples Fight About

86% Not having fun anymore

76% Finances

74% No emotional connection

Speaking of conflict, the biggest obstacle to productively navigating conflict in relationships is flooding. This means the heart gets to 100 beats per minute which makes it nearly impossible to communicate from a calm, grounded place as your physiology will get the best of you. In fact, when flooded, communication can be erratic, irrational and possibly damaging to the relationship. The antidote is self-soothing or helping each other soothe, if possible. Sometimes leaving the situation (in a structured time out) is the best thing a couple can do for a relationship.

96% of couples are flooded during conflict

Though I didn’t catch all of the numbers Dr. Gottman shared at his presentation, particularly the gay and lesbian stats, what I did notice was a trend demonstrating that compared to heterosexual couples, they did a much better job with conflict and communication.

“As far as interaction, gay and lesbian couples really have a lot to teach heterosexual couples.”

– John Gottman

Something to think about. I will leave you with one more nugget and it’s an important one to consider for those who are struggling in married or long term relationships: The #1 predictor of divorce is contempt. If you are calling your partner names, assassinating their character or hitting below the belt in other ways…and you would like to save your relationship, please seek counseling for help.

]]>http://lightright.net/study-top-3-things-couples-fight-about-and-other-things-you-should-know/feed/0Time to Rethink What Thought You Knew About Romantic Relationships and Affairshttp://lightright.net/time-to-rethink-what-thought-you-knew-about-romantic-relationships-and-affairs/
http://lightright.net/time-to-rethink-what-thought-you-knew-about-romantic-relationships-and-affairs/#respondTue, 08 May 2018 18:08:19 +0000http://lightright.net/time-to-rethink-what-thought-you-knew-about-romantic-relationships-and-affairs/[ad_1] Esther Perel has an unmistakeable presence. The Belgian speaker, therapist, author and TedX sweetheart has been challenging us all, including therapists like myself, to…

Esther Perel has an unmistakeable presence. The Belgian speaker, therapist, author and TedX sweetheart has been challenging us all, including therapists like myself, to rethink our paradigms around romantic relationships and infidelity.

Recently at the Psychotherapy Networker Symposium in DC, I had the opportunity to hear her speak about shifts in romantic relationships and the heart of the matter in modern day affairs.

According to Esther, “expectations put on a romantic relationship are at an all time high” and mirror cultural shifts that have occurred. There is more ambiguity with roles, social hierarchies and prohibitive religious structures are less intact, there is more freedom for self expression and happiness seeking for the individual is a higher priority.

As we have moved away from community living with families and friends nearby, we have less sense of belonging. “When we lived in the village we knew everything about the couple; every fight and every fuck,” she said, matter of factly. As many issues there surely were with such intertwined living, now that the pendulum has swung to the other side and we now face the public health crisis of loneliness. And couples have become more isolated, often rely on one person, each other, to be their trusted confidante, best friend, best lover and intellectual equal.

“Our modern model for modern marriage is that one person will give us what an entire village used to provide.”

– Esther Perel

This is why the pain around infidelity is different today. This betrayal can be incredibly traumatic because it threatens the sense of self, challenging the idea that this person was “the one.” And the digital age of social media, texts and emails can feel like “death by a thousand cuts” to the one who has been betrayed and has discovered messages and other cyber evidence of an affair.

What lies at the heart of an affair?

Esther reports it’s not usually really about the sex. In her experience, she has found there has been a yearning to bring back some kind of vitality, recapture lost parts, an entitlement to seek out desires or simply be happier than we are. Some affairs happen after years of monogamy in a relationship where the person never thought they would do such a thing but they feel driven to feel special, important, to beat back a sense of deadness. And wanting what you can’t have can also be intoxicating.

She touches on the issues that come up around “romantic consumerism,” that we now have thousands of people at our fingertips via dating apps and online sites. This raises the question, how will you know when you’ve found “the one” with so much choice?

What can modern couples do differently to preserve their relationships?

Reconsider the expectations you put on each other.

Rely on friends and family for some of your emotional burdens and need for connection.

Keep your relationship dynamic fresh with new experiences, breaking up routines and maintaining even a little mystery between each other.

Continue to find ways to make each other feel special and prioritized.

Intimate relationships, particularly long term, can inherently run into problems when the couples focus drifts too far away from the living, breathing relationship itself. Like most plants, it needs attention and water to survive. Yes, the paradigm around romantic relationships has changed but this doesn’t need to mean they are all destined for failure. It’s an alert signaling the need for us all to rethink their meaning in the context of the world around us as and maybe most importantly, face and adapt to our societal issue of loneliness head on.

Learn more about Esther Perel or check out her latest book, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.

]]>http://lightright.net/time-to-rethink-what-thought-you-knew-about-romantic-relationships-and-affairs/feed/0Rise in Anxiety and/or Depression in our Youth, What Gives?http://lightright.net/rise-in-anxiety-and-or-depression-in-our-youth-what-gives/
http://lightright.net/rise-in-anxiety-and-or-depression-in-our-youth-what-gives/#respondTue, 08 May 2018 18:08:14 +0000http://lightright.net/rise-in-anxiety-and-or-depression-in-our-youth-what-gives/[ad_1] According to a recent study in the Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, more than 1 in 20 US children and teens (ages 6…

According to a recent study in the Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, more than 1 in 20 US children and teens (ages 6 to 17 years old) have anxiety or depression. Approximately 2.6 million American children and adolescents had diagnosed anxiety and/or depression in 2011-12, reports an analysis of nationwide data. And a more recent report reflects a rise in anxiety in particular.

What is going on?

As a therapist and mother to an 11 year old boy, I am experiencing this as almost an epidemic. It’s critical we all look at what we are doing as a society to inadvertently encourage this situation. Our values on performance, competition, subtle “keeping up with the Jones’s” undertones as well as tendencies to compare ourselves to others are like an umbrella casting darkness over much of our American culture. And there are other mistakes adults are getting sucked into. In order to help our youth, we need to first be able to take some ownership of how show up in this environment. At that point we can productively engage in the things we can do to collectively to create positive change for our children for their experience and trajectories.

Here are 3 things parents of kids and teens can do to turn the tide:

Do: Allow your child to face risk. Rather than “helicopter” around them in an effort to avert disaster, give them the opportunity to push to their edge and build confidence. Learning to navigate riskier situations (roughhousing, tree climbing, etc) can help children build resilience, mastery and self confidence.

Why? Too much of a container placed around your child discourages attempts to try things, to push his/her limits. The backlash on an emphasis on safety can be instilling fear. The intention to protect can inadvertently be a seedling for the growth of anxiety that will be challenging to counteract later.

Do: Make room for and celebrate failures. There are opportunities for growth and learning when things don’t go your child’s way. Be aware of your own responses to mistakes. Emphasize your child’s effort over his/her ability. They will experience successes in failures in life, help them prepare for either.

Why? A child with too high of an expectation of performance can become a perfectionistic adult. A perfectionist may on the surface seem to do well but they are actually riddled with anxiety and a lack of tolerance for any failure as it gets wrapped up in their self worth.

And probably the most challenging:

Do: Enforce rules around smartphone use. A recent study from the USC Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism found that, “most parents of children ages 13-18 felt their teens were addicted to mobile devices, and many parents felt addicted themselves.” This is another case of do what you are asking your child to do and that is probably rethinking your relationship with your phone, this the most difficult to execute effectively. A lot of the problem is wrapped up in social media habits which adds even complexity to this problem. Here are some good guidelines around cell phone use for teens, in particular.

Why: Digital devices are a major source of conflict in US family households between teens and parents. And phone addiction is real with serious mental health consequences. When teens were faced with giving up phones, several different studies have shown symptoms of anxiety, not knowing what to do with the extra time and in some cases physiological symptoms of withdrawal. We ALL need to take seriously the impact digital devices (and social media) are having on our brains. It’s no joke. See the article Smartphone Addiction could be Changing Your Brain which includes a self-quiz.

If we as a collective cultural village wrap our arms around our children and teens in a more productive way when it comes to building resilience, teaching the lessons of success and failure and having healthier relationships with our digital devices, we can do much better. Our children need us to.

Dr. Richard Nicastro, PsyD, explores things that complicate forgiveness in relationships. Sometimes the part of us that feels truly indignant remains rigid. Can you get to a place where letting it go is possible?

—–

Imagine this scenario:

Your spouse/partner has wounded you in some way. S/he has now expressed what feels like genuine remorse to you. Maybe you’ve even said you accept the apology you were offered, but now you’re wondering whether that was just lip service, because you don’t feel forgiving at all. Quite the contrary. You feel frozen in an anti-forgiveness stance.

However, you really and truly want to forgive. You don’t think your partner is going to repeat the behavior that caused the hurt. You know that forgiveness is good for you, that holding onto resentment will ultimately rob you of peace.

And yet, you can’t forgive him/her. Why?

What’s holding you back? Obstacles to forgiveness

The mind is powerful, complicated, and incredibly nuanced. And to make it even more complex, there are different levels of mind: there’s the conscious mind that we’re in touch with, but there’s a whole ’nother level that’s at work beneath the surface, while we’re carpooling the kids or weeding the garden or prepping for a work presentation.

We don’t need to stop what we’re doing to zero in on what’s going on in our subconscious, but there are times (like when we feel stuck, despite our best efforts) when it pays to dig a bit deeper.

So, in the above scenario, if your mate has sincerely apologized for what s/he has done to hurt you, if you really do want to forgive your mate, and yet you don’t feel able to, you may have some subconscious (aka, sneaky) barriers in the way.

The bad news is that those barriers aren’t always easy to identify. And sometimes, even when we do, the level of discomfort in the wake of discovery can be so great — “That’s crazy! I don’t have guilt! What would I be guilty about? After all, it wasn’t my bad!” — that the mind resorts to a defense mechanism to protect itself and rejects the revelation altogether.

The good news, however, is that once you ID the obstacles in your way to forgiveness, they tend to dissolve and allow you to proceed with your conscious wish to forgive. It’s almost as if uncovering the barriers sends the mind the memo that it doesn’t need to keep those roadblocks in place any longer.

Common barriers to forgiveness: Shame, guilt, and fear

Shame

Shame is a powerful force in human life, and it can masquerade as other emotions, which is why it can be hard to detect, and yet it can impact your relationships and decisions just the same.

To make it even trickier, shame is often highly illogical. This means that at times we can feel ashamed in situations that objectively, we know shouldn’t provoke shame. For instance, your friend tells you about her big promotion at work, and you feel an intense wave of shame over the fact that you haven’t been upwardly mobile. The shame is so acute that you want to hide from her, even though she’s just sharing with you (not competing), and you work in different fields and she’s not comparing your careers at all.

Unlike guilt, which is usually connected to a discrete event, shame can make you feel like you’re the problem, not just something you’ve done or haven’t done. Shame seeps into who you are as a person, causing you to feel unworthy.

If you have been actively trying to forgive your mate for a wounding but have been unsuccessful, shame may be blocking your path to forgiveness. You may subconsciously feel like you aren’t worthy of his/her apology and that therefore you aren’t in a position where you have the “right” to confer forgiveness upon anyone.

Guilt

Guilt is as common as mud, right? And it is mud, in a way, gumming up the works, weighing you down, dirtying what was once clean until it’s beyond recognition.

Feeling guilty about something or other is so common that it may sound cliche to consider it. But identifying an emotion as commonplace doesn’t make it less likely to be at work in your life.

Your knee-jerk reaction might be, “But I don’t feel guilty. So I must not be.”

Ultimately, guilt may not be gumming up your forgiveness works. But you won’t know that if you give in to the knee-jerk dismissal. Rather, sit with it for a while and give yourself the mental space to contemplate this. Guilt, like shame, can expend most of its energy beneath the surface of your awareness, which means it might not readily show itself when you go looking.

As the partner put in the position of forgiver, guilt might be stirred in you if a small part of you wonders whether you were somehow partially culpable for your mate’s transgression. You might guiltily think you owe your partner an apology too, though you may balk at putting yourself in what you see as a “groveling” position.

After all, as the forgiver, you have the upper hand, so to speak. The balance of power is skewed to you in the moment. That, also, can make you feel guilty, the truth that you like feeling more powerful than your partner.

Fear

There are some people who say that there really are only two emotions, love and fear, and that all other emotions are merely offshoots of one of those (for instance, anger is a byproduct of fear, though the fear isn’t consciously felt while the anger rages).

Whether you’re of that camp or not, it’s hard to deny that love and fear are among the most powerful of the emotions. So it’s no surprise that fear has landed on the list of barriers to forgiveness, especially when you’re trying to forgive someone you love.

Again, fear may not be the presenting emotion. Fear may not be the most obvious experience for you at first glance. But underneath it all, you may be fearful that if you forgive your mate you’ll be opening yourself up to more hurt. Perhaps you’re not fully convinced that s/he won’t commit the same transgression in the future. Or you might fear that forgiving your partner will cause you to be more vulnerable and therefore exposed to a different type of hurt.

Forgiving, in a real way, is setting down your grievance, is laying down your metaphoric shield and weapon. And aren’t we all defenseless without our armor?

—–

Forgiveness is not some theoretical concept that only some of us have to grapple with — it’s a real-life question that we will all face at some point or another, whether to forgive or to double-down on our indignation over being treated unfairly.

Some of us learn to forgive because we are forced into a corner. In these moments, we come face-to-face with how holding onto our grievances is actually hurting us. Others work on forgiveness before heading down that dead-end road. Either way, taking the steps to identify common obstacles to forgiveness can clear a path to a more harmonious inner life when you’re ready.

]]>http://lightright.net/3-roadblocks-to-forgiveness-in-relationships/feed/0FAST Data Out of the Box: Using analytics to support intensive advising and increase retention rateshttp://lightright.net/fast-data-out-of-the-box-using-analytics-to-support-intensive-advising-and-increase-retention-rates/
http://lightright.net/fast-data-out-of-the-box-using-analytics-to-support-intensive-advising-and-increase-retention-rates/#respondTue, 08 May 2018 15:43:52 +0000http://lightright.net/fast-data-out-of-the-box-using-analytics-to-support-intensive-advising-and-increase-retention-rates/[ad_1] This is a guest post by Andy Miller, Director of Academic Advising & Retention, Concordia University Wisconsin The rising trend in the use of…

This is a guest post by Andy Miller, Director of Academic Advising & Retention, Concordia University Wisconsin

The rising trend in the use of data analytics for student success is a rather interesting phenomenon, especially as we consider the skillsets necessary for mastering each domain. On one hand, we have the ‘thinkers’ who objectively review the empirical representation of students, while on the other are the ‘feelers’ who embrace the individual experiences of each student. Does improvement in one domain require the subjugation of the other? As we (student success professionals) begin viewing students through the lens of big data, do we risk treating students as just a number?

I talked about this in my recent presentation at the Blackboard Analytics Symposium

At Concordia University Wisconsin, specifically the Academic Advising Office, we have begun using data to better inform our practice. To get here has taken a fair amount of trial and error. With Blackboard Intelligence, you have the double-edged sword of limitless possibilities. My initial presentation of Blackboard’s analytics platform to my staff was like Bobby Flay opening a pantry of raw ingredients and asking the customer what they wanted for lunch: all the ingredients were present to make some magical dishes, but because they were not ‘packaged’ in any tangible, recognizable format, the consumers were a bit overwhelmed.

With this in mind, I looked at what ‘out of the box’ reports the Student Management module for Blackboard Intelligence already had. One element that struck a chord was the ‘risk indicators’ element (pic 1. below). By identifying risk factors prior to the start of the semester, we could proactively serve our advisees and hopefully mitigate some of the challenges they would likely face. For the past 3 semesters, we have taken a developmental approach to these conversations, subtly inquiring about the risk indicators and helping each student identify solutions to those challenges.

Not surprisingly, some students are more reticent, while others boldly refuse our help. For those who neglect to respond, after multiple outreach attempts, we refer them to our Falcon Academic Support Team (FAST). This is an academic equivalent of our behavioral intervention team. FAST is comprised of the professional advisors, our Assistant Vice President of Academics, Dean of Students, Athletics Advisor, Learning Resource Center representative and myself.

Students are referred to FAST by either a faculty academic referral form or a professional advisor.

The referral is often provoked by a student’s academic behavior, typically excessive absences or poor performance. When their name is brought up at FAST, we look at the student holistically: is this behavior isolated to one class? Is it systemic across their academic history? To what extent are they engaged socially? Prior to this, we would only have one part of a story. By gathering information on familial challenges, conduct issues, or non-engagement with Disability Support, we begin to unveil a more robust picture of the myriad factors impacting each students’ educational experience. This qualitative information is augmented by our FAST Dashboard, an amalgamation of some basic Blackboard Intelligence reports packaged in an easy-to-digest format (picture 2, below).

By having the ‘full pantry of ingredients’ we were able to craft a custom dashboard, ultimately enhancing our effectiveness. The other report we use frequently in FAST is the attendance report through the SQL server (figure 3 below).

One of the unintended benefits of this report, in particular, is the way in which our monitoring of student attendance has not only influenced student behavior but has also impacted faculty behavior. As they begin to hear that this information is being used to enhance student engagement and student success, they have assured us they will make more intentional efforts to keep their attendance current each week. By and large, they have! By shoring up many of the inconsistencies in recording data (i.e., taking and recording attendance) we can begin to more intentionally analyze attendance as a potential risk factor.

What I find most exciting about this, is we can begin to identify risk based on behavior, not just demographic characteristics or “high stakes” outcomes like grades. These ‘just in time data’ are continually enhancing our delivery of individualized student support. In short, we have married the quantitative with the qualitative to enhance the student experience, using numbers to ensure our students are not treated as one.

The post FAST Data Out of the Box: Using analytics to support intensive advising and increase retention rates appeared first on Blackboard Blog.

]]>http://lightright.net/fast-data-out-of-the-box-using-analytics-to-support-intensive-advising-and-increase-retention-rates/feed/0Installing a bidet seat on a wall-hung Kohler toilet possible?http://lightright.net/installing-a-bidet-seat-on-a-wall-hung-kohler-toilet-possible/
http://lightright.net/installing-a-bidet-seat-on-a-wall-hung-kohler-toilet-possible/#respondTue, 08 May 2018 15:41:25 +0000http://lightright.net/installing-a-bidet-seat-on-a-wall-hung-kohler-toilet-possible/[ad_1] I am moving to a new apartment (new construction, no tenants yet) that has a wall-hung Kohler toilet instead of a normal floor toilet…

I am moving to a new apartment (new construction, no tenants yet) that has a wall-hung Kohler toilet instead of a normal floor toilet with exposed pipes. My Toto bidet seat needs to be connected to an electrical outlet and water supply. I've always had normal skirted toilets where I could simply install the T valve in a few minutes, but this new toilet has no plumbing exposed.

What do I need to get done (need a plumber?) to install my bidet seat? I assume that I'll have to remove the toilet from the wall and somehow add a new pipe for the water supply.

]]>http://lightright.net/installing-a-bidet-seat-on-a-wall-hung-kohler-toilet-possible/feed/02 valve radiatorshttp://lightright.net/2-valve-radiators/
http://lightright.net/2-valve-radiators/#respondTue, 08 May 2018 15:41:17 +0000http://lightright.net/2-valve-radiators/[ad_1] Hey guys, it's currently 4am so if I don't make sense I do apologise and will clear anything up in the morning. Basically, in…

Hey guys, it's currently 4am so if I don't make sense I do apologise and will clear anything up in the morning.

Basically, in the UK right now we're having our 10 minutes of summer, but I can't get any reprieve thanks to my radiator not turning off. Had a look online and found out that I've got an old school thermo valve (the smaller turning valve, not the massive ones with the numbers on it. Has "WASP TEN" written on it if that helps) on the right hand side which is turned all the way clockwise and a lock shield on the left hand side.

Should I have one of each on either side? I feel like having both is overkill (if they have individual jobs then feel free to let me know. Everyday's a school day). Also, am I safe just to turn the lock shield off? Watched a couple of YT videos and they kept mentioning minor disclaimers like bleeding radiators, air build up, explosions, nuclear Armageddon, etc. I live in rented accommodation so would prefer to not blow up the house.

Look forward to hearing from you guys, providing I haven't turned completely into a puddle by morning.