Ladies and Gentlemen, here before you are the five rich white men trying to win the attention of all America as the giant game of political Red Rover known as the Iowa Caucuses kicks off tonight. Big day! The kind where you (or your handlers... or if your last name is Romney or Gingrich, your wife) lay out some clothes on the bed before going to sleep — garments that make you look presidential, and worthy of winning. Relatable, too, but not so much that you convince some small-business owner in Davenport that he, too, could take up the mantle of Commander-in-Chief — not like any old regular person deserves that job. Even if all those guys campaigning in Iowa do look a bit, well, regular. Turns out, this whole waking up early and staying up late thing is hell on the wardrobe, the grooming, and the the soul (especially as you get older). But let's remember that a few of these men will have a much harder year ahead of them. So, just as we've asked since these campaigns were first announced, which candidate looks the most prepared? Let's review...

Mitt Romney: As his campaign finally takes off, the once-dapper Romney — who was once called an "Empty Suit" — appears to have made a Devil's bargain with the local re-sale emporium. Apparently, all it took for him to become "relatable," that buzz word that's become the opposite of "flip-flopper" (no matter that this doesn't make sense in the English language), was overgrown hair, a wrinkled sweater, and a pair of denim that could only be described as Dad Jeans. All week, people have been saying that Romney's been gaining "swagger" — which is, again, offensive to the English language as we know it.

Rick Santorum: So, The New York Times has discovered his sweater vests by now, which means everyone else has too. Now, they're even branded with his campaign logo, which violates The Style Blog Rule No. 543: No man past the age of four wears apparel with his own name embroidered on it; therefore, Santorum — who looks pretty well-rested, actually — is disqualified. Or, in the words tweets of John Legend: "Rick Santorum gives off a distinct 'I'm running for city council' vibe." Right you are.

Ron Paul: As we bid farewell to Santorum in this here competition, we'll paraphrase him here for a second: Ron Paul's wardrobe is disgusting. Bad enough that his campaign style has been defined by odd, ill-fitting suits. Now, it turns out, the shirts beneath those jackets — with their gargantuan collars and billowy sleeves — don't work either. In related news: So far, we're zero-for-three on our Official Suit Count. Aren't these men competing, in public, for the one job that requires good tailoring on a near-daily basis? And often on television? Let's start running some real campaigns here.

Newt Gingrich: We'd show you the bottom of his outfit but the chinos are so offensive that we'd have to mark this article Not Suitable for Work. On second thought, same could be said about Gingrich's hot air balloon of a navy blazer — a Kennedy classic! — and the wide-open collar (with no tie, a nod to our Most Casual Election Cycle Ever) beneath it.

Jon Huntsman: He skipped Iowa to head directly to New Hampshire. Please note the lack of gingham.

Rick Perry: The man from Texas has come quite a long way since he decided he should be President. The lapels are a bit Lone-Star-sized, but we have to commend him for his nice collar-to-tie proportion. And, too, for wearing so much make-up that he looks like he's running for President of the Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum Corporation. At least he looks ready to run something. It really is sort of mind-blowing that, of the six people running for President, only one of them woke up on election day and put on a suit. Are we, as a country, so over American exceptionalism that we want to see our leaders dressed in bad shirts, plain sweaters, and sweater vests?

On this day in Iowa, Perry argued otherwise. And that's the only thing from this whole depressing election that we can stand behind.