I'm sick and tired of everything, I'm sick and tired of my parents bullshit. They're a joke, everything's a joke. I'm starting to think I'm surrounded by idiots, people who don't think for themselves. Morons who care more about Nikki Manaj, EXTRA, honey boo boo, snookie what have you. The stupidity of politics in this country, the media. It all sickens me, I hate it. Everything's a joke.

Capitalism is not what we think it is, our government is not as powerful as we thought it was, and media influences more people than we realize. I see nothing but problems and only a few who take initiative to fight it. Where our country is run by wall street and the greedy ambitions of millionaires, when corporations decide the elections, when we have two parties to choose from, split completely down the middle, we don't have to worry about civil war, we're already in one. Republicans Vs. Democrats. And where media breeds our kids to be idiots, short witted, dependent on objects and material, where people starve themselves to look like the Photoshopped models on magazines, when media paints a picture of normal no one can ever hope to achieve. It's no wonder things are so fucked up.

But that's besides the point, I'm so sick and tired of being able to do nothing about it. I'm so sick and tired of being in my prison. I'm so sick and tired of my parents trying to shape who I am, I'm so sick and tired of their bullshit. As a kid I used to dream of being an orphan, and it's NO wonder why. Even now I wish I could just disappear, I hate my family. I JUST DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE. I HATE my family. I hate my family, I HATE my family. I HATE MY FAMILY!! I can't say it enough, it makes me sick to my stomach to see my mom and dad every day, they're stupid habits, they're blind ambitions, their cloud 9 views of the world, they're NEVER going to change, I see that now, THEY will NEVER change. They're pathetic human beings, I look at them with disgust. I can't live like this, this isn't who I am, I don't want to feel this way, but I have every right to. They weren't there for me, they NEVER were, they failed to raise me, they failed me in every way. I gave them more than enough chances, and I know they're never going to change. But I'm trapped, I'm stuck in this prison, and they're my wardens. They guilt me, for ever single thing they do for me now, they give me advice and assume I'm a dumbshit, I'm sick of it. WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU WHEN I WAS A KID, FUCK YOU. I OWE YOU NOTHING. I want nothing more than to DISAPPEAR and just say I HAVE no family. They're dragging me down into shit. I tried, I really tried to forgive them, I even confronted them, I even got my sorrys, but they're worthless, because they'll never change, and they are FAR too late. They failed, there's no other way around it, their time has come and it has gone and I want nothing to do with them.

And it's not just that, I waited a fucking year to get into this "Survivor group". Thinking it would be the "Next level" of my recovery, and it's a JOKE!!!. The best way I can describe it is an Anarchy based group free for all fight for pity over menial things. I've heard one mention of CSA, the rest is how much their job sucks or something menial like that while I'm sitting there in silence crying inside thinking, "Yeah well I fight for my life everyday just to keep from giving in to self destruction. I cry myself to sleep, I bottle my anger into hatred, and would die to just knock myself out." I'm 20 and they rest of them are 30s and mostly 40-60. WHY WOULD THEY THINK I COULD BENEFIT IN A GROUP LIKE THAT? I was lied to told this was a survivor group and it's a middle aged whining group. I hope to god nobody from my group sees this because honestly I care about them all, but it's the sharp contrast and lies that get to me. I'm angry with the firm I'm in. I feel like I'm just a dollar sign or something. And now that I finally like my therapist he's retiring, how's that for putting salt on the wound.

I am SICK and TIRED of this joke I live, it's a sadistic sick little joke, and I'm sick of it. My pillars are about to fall and soon there will be nothing left holding me up. I'm at the point where I JUST don't care anymore, I just don't care about anyone or anything. I want to just disappear.

Usually I try my best to help people on this site, and what I've ever said to help anyone here was genuine, but right now, this is genuine too. I've flipped and I've flopped, I'm beginning to think I'm insane. Maybe we're all insane. In fact what really is insanity? What is normal? I almost just want to accept that life fucking sucks it always will suck and I should just do whatever the fuck I want because nothing's ever going to change. I've lost all hope in society. And above all society fucked me, RIGHT up the ass. So this is to you society, FUCK. YOU.

Nothing I write is ever or will ever be enough. It will always be wrong, because when I look back I'll have a different mindset. I hate it. But for this present moment, this is who I am, this is how I feel. And for now, it will have to suffice. But what is the most frustrating is that there are and never will be any answers, there is no "Right" thing to do, we're all cast out in this world and it's a free for all, anything goes. Maybe in 1000 years we will have evolved past this, but right now I'm sick of even being human.

_________________________
"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. And I'm sorry the support group isn't working out as you might wish.

I'm with you on the horribleness of our society and the fact that family can be such a total downer and waste of energy.

Just know that you're not insane. You're going through a dark night of the soul. Try to sit with it and quietly watch the feeling that flood you, looking at them like waves of an ocean that you can learn to surf. That energy has tremendous power. Try to use it to reach out and make something.

You're wrong about your writing being wrong. It will be always be right. It will always say exactly what you were going through at any given moment. It will always reflect that truth of your experience back at you.

And you can use it to start to shift things. To let the load lighten a bit and move further from pain to that other side of the dark night of the soul, when the dawn comes.

I've been through this, too. I remember what it was like to be twenty and to be so full of despair that I'd go to dangerous bars and look for fights just to feel something real. I remember the terrible ache of the overwhelmingness of facing the fact that I felt so totally fucked up that I couldn't imagine every being right in any way. I remember feeling so full of anxiety that my stomach was constantly bad and my energy was constantly like the electrical sparks in a mad scientists lab.

I also know that feeling will pass with time and with the work you're doing writing the stuff out and going to the group and just being with the pain for a while. I've been there, too. There really is a dawn. Please trust that that's true and that the dark night you're going through can actually leave you very, very strong.

Know that the abuse is over. And know that even if you don't see it fully yet that you're fundamentally OK. You're not insane. You're just in a deeply powerful place where your emotions are strong like they'll never be again. That energy is a powerful source to channel. If you every wanted to make some art take the pain and make it work for you.

I'd also suggest sharing your note to us with your group (just go ahead and print it out and read it to them). I'd be willing to bet that those other survivors could really use some heartfelt words. And I'd willing to bet their responses would be warm and kind. One of the benefits of working with those older guys is that they'll have some distance from the abuse that you don't yet have, and that distance can help you heal.

i hear what you are saying and feeling. i'm not going to try to talk you out of it because it is legitimate to experience what you are going through right now. i have been there too. not gonna promise you a rose garden - but some circumstances do change with time, and our perceptions also change. not saying it is easy or without a big effort - but you can get through this and in the meantime, vent and rage all you need to. and see if there is anything you can do to get to a better place - move out, change jobs, speak up at your group, cut off toxic relationships, whatever... and we are here for you.

Lee

_________________________
"That you are here - that life exists, and identity; that the powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. . . What will your verse be?" Robin Williams as John Keating in "Dead Poets Society"

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.