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February 27, 2017

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Judge Acquits Man of Murder on Grounds the White Supremacist Patriarchy Made Him Do It

Following a grueling, arduous and seemingly interminable court process regarding the criminal trial of Mr Ian Beck, who was accused of brutally murdering his next-door neighbor over a simple gardening dispute, a grand jury from Rochester, New York acquitted Mr Beck of all charges after they concluded that the oppressive nature of the white supremacist patriarchy present in all corners of society, was to blame for this poor man’s actions.

“This man is clearly a victim,” explained the jury in their written verdict just hours after they watched video evidence of this same man violently bashing his neighbor’s brains with a large, pointed sickle. “There is no doubt in our minds that the defendant did in fact kill his neighbor in cold blood, and then proceeded to urinate on his mangled remains while laughing hysterically at his doings; but there is also no doubt that this man was not acting freely, that he was coerced and manipulated by the patriarchal, white supremacist nature of our society that makes men, white men, inherently violent and prone to savagery. It is thereby our duty, as common guardians of social justice, to find this man not guilty of the crime of murder, and to use our own privilege to continue fighting for social progress in our daily lives.”

The jury’s reasoning falls in line with Dr Judith Butler’s assessment of the case, where Mr Beck is just as much of a victim of this violent episode as the deceased neighbor whose face he violently disfigured to the point of unrecognition.

“Mr Beck was merely acting out against oppression,” explained the famous psychoanalyst in her court statements. “See? The patriarchy doesn’t only oppress women. White supremacy doesn’t seek to enslave only the disenfranchised. They make pawns of all of us, depriving us of our humanity and our capacity for dignity. The only way to achieve liberation is to recognize the innate privileges these systems of oppression reward us with, so that we can find common ground in our mutual struggle against the oppressor. It is not justice to punish this man, he’s only but a symptom. The real enemy is the capitalist bourgeois who profits from our suffering…”

Before Dr Butler could finish her speech, Mr Beck, tired of all this nonsense, shot her with a magnum he’d smuggled into court and killed her on the spot.

This was also dismissed as the doings of the patriarchy, and Mr Beck did not face any sentence for this either.