Here is a blog post which purports to have quotes from a book by a Secret Service agent, giving the inside thoughts of the Secret Service about various presidents. It is absolutely interesting, but I urge caution. The quotes are so one sided that I have to wonder just how true it is.

Upon further research I found this. It seems that like many blog articles, this one was a mixture of fact and fiction. Interestingly, with the exception of Obama, the blog article got it right on the presidents. What makes this particularly interesting is that this article shows that the post 1960 Republican Presidents were decent people, while the Democrats have essentially been scum.

Denizens, as we start this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend, we are once again reminded of what a bunch of pussified doucherifles the state of Kalifornication has become. For now, their infectious cancer has touched youth football.

Usually, when a mercy rule becomes a bone of contention it’s because the policy isn’t instituted soon enough, until after a game is already far out of reach. Yet in one Northern California community the opposite is unfolding, with parents furious about a new rule that they feel is cheating their children and coaches of football and money wasted on fines.

As reported by Sacramento NBC affiliate KCRA, the Northern California Federation Youth Football League (NCFYFL) instituted stiff new penalties for any teams that beat opponents by 35 points or more. Specifically, those teams will be fined $200 and their coaches will be suspended from all league activities for two weeks. The penalty is a drastic change for the league of 7-13 year-olds, which previously issued teams with a warning following such blowouts and required a written description that detailed what the victorious team had done to try and keep scores low.

[...]

With the new, harsher penalties, some players have begun insisting that their development is being hurt. One team has stopped attempting any field goals, leaving kicker James McHugh unable to attempt any scoring kicks except points after touchdowns. That’s a problem for a 13-year-old who hopes to serve as a high school placekicker in fall 2014.

Thankful am I that Skip doesn’t play in such a league. For if he did, and they passed a fucktarded rule like this, the head of said league would have the term “ass-whipping” re-defined for him. By me.

And speaking of ass-whippings, let’s get to the football. It’s my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets, destined to have their magical oh-fer season extended by the Aledo Bearcats. It’s Guaranteed Loss Night, and the SpatulaLine is set at 65½ for this one.

And I shit you not – Vegas has the Frogs as an 18½-point favorite at home.

With Trevone Boykin at quarterback.

I think the Shitland Ponies win this one outright. Look for me to be extremely pissed come Monday.

Also Saturday, Turner Gill’s Liberty Flames take on Kentucky Weslyan, which is apparently such a small program that they don’t even have an ESPN listing. Flames win comfortably here.

Sunday finds Houston playing host to Golden Taint and the Seattle Seahags. If the Tex-annes can’t beat Baltimore without RAYYYYMONNNNND LEWWWWWWISSSSSSSS!!!!!, I rather doubt they’ll beat Seattle. Vegas doesn’t think so, either – the Hags are a 2½-point road favorite.

And for a bonus game, the Dallas Cowboys, fresh off a manhandling of the St. Louis Ewes, travel to Mrs. Venomous’ home of San Diego to take on the “San Dee-ayy-go…Superchar-gers…” (a little Chris Berman lingo, there). Vegas likes Dallas minus 2½, so look for the Powder-Blue-And_Gold to romp.

We’re back Monday with the recap. In the meantime…dang, I didn’t know OU’s Blake Bell could throw…

A senior police inspector was injured after his service revolver misfired while he was cleaning it on Tuesday night. The incident took place at his home at Bibvewadi’s Vaibhav Society. The injured inspector, Shailendra Shinde, is presently the in-charge of Bibvewadi police station.

Deputy commissioner of police (Zone II) Ramnath Pokale said, “Shinde went home at 11pm on Tuesday. He took out his service revolver to clean it as usual. He had removed five bullets from the revolver and was struggling to take out the last one which had got stuck in the magazine. While doing this, he accidentally touched the trigger and the revolver fired. The bullet pierced through his right leg, hit the cushion sofa and then hit the ground.”

Dallas would be a legitimate Super Bowl contender…if it could play the St. Louis Ewes every week.

Six sacks of Sam Bradford for the defense. 175 yards of ground for DeMarco Murray, to go with the 253 last time he played StL. A 137-plus QB rating for El Choko.

I could get used to this. Keep playing like this, guys, you can worm your way back into the group.

—

On the other hand…

Gary Kubiak – you laid that egg against this sorry bunch? Schaub throws a pick-six? A punt return for a touchdown? A backup running back gashes you for 65 yards & a score? All this despite the fact that they didn’t have RAYMOND LEWIS!!!!!! or Ed Reed this time, and that you were the ones who had Reed?

What is it, the uniforms?

Tell me again why I put you idiots in the PFW?

This week: 1-2 (thank you, Cowboys). Overall: 7-7

The PFW will return on Friday, when we will discuss guarantees for reals, and decide which Texas team gets to keep going in this soiree.

Item: The Los Angeles Dodgers clinched the NL West title the other day in Arizona – and to celebrate, they climbed the right-field fence and took a dip in the stadium’s open-access pool after everyone had left.

“Poolgate” reached the nation’s capital Friday when Arizona Sen. John McCain voiced strong displeasure with the Los Angeles Dodgers’ celebration of their National League West title.

After the Dodgers clinched the division with Thursday’s 7-6 win against the Arizona Diamondbacks, roughly half the team celebrated by jumping into the pool behind the right-center field wall at Chase Field.

The revelry upset many players, executives and fans of the Diamondbacks, including McCain, who took to Twitter with this rant:

Denizens, as we begin this edition of the Perfect Football Weekend (and yes – sorry it’s late), we note that Nebraska head coach (and former PFW target) Bo Pelini was forced by the pussy-assed excuse-for-an-administration that is Nebraska U. to apologize for Yet Another Rant.

Nebraska coach Bo Pelini apologized Monday for a profane rant from 2011 in which he criticized “fair-weather” Cornhuskers fans.

The website Deadspin posted the 2-year-old audio of the Cornhuskers’ coach going off on fans and newspaper reporters after a game.

What was already a bad day got much worse for Bo Pelini, who has some explaining to do to Nebraska fans, writes Mitch Sherman. Blog

Pelini’s problematic Monday came on the heels of yet another brutal loss for the Huskers. UCLA wiped out an 18-point deficit in Lincoln and beat Nebraska 41-21 on Saturday.

The tape caught Pelini speaking off air with Husker Sports Network play-by-play man Greg Sharpe before his postgame radio interview following Nebraska’s win over Ohio State in October 2011. Pelini had been criticized by fans and media in the days leading to the Ohio State game for the Huskers’ performance the week before in a 31-point loss at Wisconsin.

In the audio, Pelini repeatedly uses an expletive to refer to what he calls “fair-weather” fans.

Okay, in the first place, this was two fucking years ago, mkay?

Second, it was a private conversation, awright?

If i have a private conversation with someone two years ago, and some half-assed pussy site like Deadspin broadcasts it to the fucking world, the owners of Deadspin.com best hope I don’t ever find them. At the very least, they’ll be the proud recipients of an eight-digit minimum lawsuit. And if I happen to have a certain object in my possession…

Nebraska chancellor Harvey Perlman said he was disappointed by the comments.

“We are taking some time to consider it and what impact it would have on the university,” Perlman said.

Perlman declined to answer whether Pelini was in danger of losing his job.

Athletic director Shawn Eichorst said he talked to Pelini about the rant.

“I am disheartened and disappointed by the 2011 comments published today attributed to Coach Pelini about our dedicated and passionate fans and supporters,” Eichorst said in a statement. “I have spoken with Chancellor Perlman and I have addressed the situation with Bo and expressed our deep concern.”

Now, I’m no longer a Pelini fan (at least, as a head coach), but Perlman? Eichorst?

You fucknozzles are true douchebags. This is Yet Another Reason why Nebraska is no longer in the PFW.

Let’s go to the football. It’s Guaranteed Loss Night for my Arlington Heights Yellow Jackets, as they take on the Aledo Bearcats (at least, I think they’re the Bearcats). That’s Aledo, as in top-25-in-the-fucking-nation Aledo.

The SpatulaLine is in place on this one, and I’m setting it at 65. Don’t argue – Aledo’s that good, and Heights is that bad.

UPDATE: I’m gonna kill my Intelligence division.

Heights doesn’t lose to Aledo until next week.

Guess I get to run with three teams this week, after all. (sigh)

Saturday, Turner Gill’s Liberty Flames travel to Richmond to take on the Spyders. Richmond’s 1-2, but they should give Liberty all they can handle.

Sunday, Houston travels to Baltimore to take on the RAYMOND LEWIS!!!!!!!-less (as well as Ed Reed-less) Ravens. Andre Johnson will play this game, or so I’ve been led to believe, so give me Houston & the points (they’re a 1½-point road fave).

TCU is guaranteed not to lose this week…why, Wizard…?

MERLIN: Because they don’t play.

Right.

Now, I really need four teams to make this worth my while, so I’m gonna plug in the Cowgirls hosting the St. Louis EwesRams Ewes. Vegas has the ‘Girlz by 3, so that means Dan Bailey will win it in overtime.

Schaubbie didn’t have that great of a day – he threw a couple of picks, one of ‘em a pick-six to Titan DB Alterraun (Alterraun? Alderaan?) Verner.

But he had enough to drive the Texans on an 80-yard march and an Arian Foster two-point conversion, then win the game in overtime on a fade to DeAndre Hopkins.

—

First things first (and with all due respect to the Generalette): The Frogs got jobbed again by the fucking stripes. Two punt returns nullified by zebras’ hankies – one on a phantom fair-catch signal, the other on a phantom clipping call.

That said – one thing is painfully clear: Trevon Boykin is not the answer at quarterback for the Frogs.

Two more picks. A woeful inability to use his arm to move the Frogs down the field.

Not that he’s the only goat. The TCU defense let a backup freshman quarterback beat them in the fourth quarter with a TD pass with 3:48 remaining. Which, given the Frogs’ lack of an offense this year, may as well have been having two hundred yards to go for a touchdown with :01 left.

As we begin this early edition of the Perfect Football Weekend, Denizens, the Department of Dirty-Assed Football Players is once again bringing our attention to one Ndamukong Suh, former Nebraska Cornhusker and late of the Detroit Bankruptcies Lions, who has yet again been fined for doing what he does best…namely, being the dirtiest player in the game.

Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh was fined $100,000 by the NFL for his hit on Minnesota Vikings center John Sullivan during Sunday’s game but won’t be suspended, the NFL announced Tuesday.

The league said in a statement that NFL vice president of football operations Merton Hanks told Suh on Tuesday that he had been fined.

“Suh was penalized for violating Rule 12, Section 2, Article 5 (a), which prohibits blocks below the waist by players of either team after a change of possession,” the league said in its statement.

[...]

The controversial play occurred during an interception return by Lions linebacker DeAndre Levy, who scored an apparent touchdown to give Detroit the lead. But the play was nullified because Suh was whistled for an illegal low block against Sullivan well behind the play. The Lions eventually won the game 34-24.

All he did was try to take out an opposing player’s knee. Nothing to see here, move along.

Naturally, Suh is appealing. And claiming complete & total innocence.

Suh said he wasn’t going after Sullivan’s knees Sunday, adding the two talked about it at halftime.

“I spoke to him. We’re good,” Suh said after Sunday’s game. “So that’s all that matters.”

(The following is a column which appeared on my old web site, www.spatulacitybbs.com, on September 11th, 2001. It is re-posted now in remembrance of then.)

NOTE: This column contains some coarse language. Back out now if such language offends you, please.

I got four hours of sleep last night. I’m fighting the obligatory yearly case of tonsillitis. My throat hurts like Hell ™, my body is racked with soreness, and – not to put too fine a point thereupon – I’m in need of a tube of Prep H.

You get the idea. (sigh)

So here I am on LBJ Freeway in Dallas, plodding my way through traffic, fighting hard the urge to fall asleep at the wheel, literally. I’m listening to our sports-talk/guy-talk station on AM, the Ticket (KTCK 1310), when the sports jocks there suddenly exclaim something to the effect of, “WTF…?!”. Apparently, a heavy jet has veered off course and slammed into one of the World Trade Center twin towers in New York City.

“Wow,” I’m thinking, “they’ll likely stay with this one all day”, and I immediately turn over to the news/talk station here, WBAP 820, for all the coverage. Yes, I admit it – I’m fascinated by carnage.

At that point, though, I’m thinking tragic accident. Somebody’s plane lost its hydraulics and careened out of control, and the World Trade Center, unfortunately, was simply in the way.

That was 7:50. At 8:09, my worldview – and that of 280 million Americans, I would bet – changed radically.

It’s 8:20 when I get to the office, and I meet my buddy and old Wingtip Courier dispatcher as he’s driving up. He hasn’t been paying attention to anything. We get inside the office, and I bring him and our other compadre up to speed on things (he wasn’t listening to the radio, either, which was surprising). I go into my office and try pulling up a video stream for any of this. It’s 8:25.

Fifteen minutes later, the message is clear: America is under attack for the first time in 60 years. Yet another heavy jet has crashed – this one into the Pentagon. Reports are coming in about multiple hijackings. I’ve read a report about a worldwide alert issued last Friday concerning our resident international terrorist, Osama bin Laden, Two & two are quickly starting to come together.

(Side note: Don’t let them tell you they had no warning. I’m not kidding about that worldwide alert concerning bin Laden. They knew. Damned right they knew.)

(SECOND SIDE NOTE: As I go through the years, I’m less inclined to blame the Bush Administration than I was nine years ago. Sure, they knew it was possible, but all they had was a general warning. Nothing specific that said they were going to do what they did precisely on that day. So the Bush Administration gets a pass from me on this one.

The Demoscum, on the other hand…)

I can’t pull up anything on the ‘Net – and I have a T1 at work. The radio offers some details, but I want to know more. I run across the street to the CompUSSR to scope out the TV images.

And ohmigod – what TV images. I saw the second plane come in behind the first tower, and a plume of fire and deep black smoke explode out the other side. I saw the collapsed side of the Pentagon. I saw both WTC towers collapse – I had to ask someone if they’d collapsed all the way, so incredulous was the scene there. (A third building nearby would collapse six hours later.) I heard reports of yet another plane crash – this one near Pittsburgh. Rumor has it that the plane was headed to Camp David – we’re somewhere around the anniversary of the Camp David accords, so I hear.

Returned to work around 11:00 in a state of near-shock. Twenty minutes later, I received the go-ahead to go home. After a quick stop-off at the school to check on my wife, I arrived home and turned on the TV to Fox.

The images there were even more unbelievable than before. Fox had the direct angle on the second tower hit. They also had better angles on the collapse of both towers – although by that time, there was so much smoke & dust that one could hardly make anything out.

After a quick lunch, I sit down here to gather news stories, and I find this.

That’s right, sports fans. Here are a group of Palestinian squids laughing, dancing and cheering the attack on us, whom they call “the Great Satan”.

Compassionate people, those Palestinians.

Okay, now that I’ve bored you with my day, here’s my analysis: CNN early on was doing everything it could to avoid calling it a terrorist attack. But, Spatulaites & Spatulaettes, it’s too coordinated, too organized to be anything but. These events had to be planned months in advance. Certain people had to be installed at just the right junctures in order to pull this off – our airport security procedures, despite the fact that they’re handled by part-timers making minimum wage, are still way too strict. People who knew how to fly those planes had to arrange for passage on these planes. This would have been a major undertaking for simply one airliner – for four to have been hijacked in this manner and turned into suicide machines screams for the fact that this is more than just a Chinese fire drill.

So. Who’s got the capability to pull it off? Who has the money to train these thugs, place them right where they needed to be placed, and then turned loose? And who among them hates us enough to target us? Not to mention, who’s stupid-assed enough to try it?

If you haven’t figured it out by now, go back to school and take a comprehensive reading course. You think about it, there’s really only one man who qualifies: Osama bin Laden.

There can be no question. The mastermind behind the 1993 bombing at the aforementioned World Trade Center is so consumed with hatred for the United States that it sticks in his craw that he failed to bring us down eight years ago. So he decided to try and finish the job, gambling that we’ll be too chicken-shit to do anything about it.

(Second side note: Yeah, the Palestinians and the Taliban in Afghanistan are denying responsibility. Don’t believe the bastards. This is their baby.)

This is where George W. Bush needs to prove him wrong. Take this one to the bank, my friends: The Bush presidency – whether he believes it or not, whether he likes it or not – rides on how he handles this.

America is screaming for justice. More to the point, America is screaming for revenge. This is nothing short of an act of war. Yes, war. There’s been a formally undeclared one on us now, by most of the non-Israeli countries of the Middle East, for several years now. The Muslims hate our guts. The Syrians, the Iraqis, the Iranians – we’re their enemy. “Death To America” has been cruising at #1 on the Middle Eastern Top 40 for several years. They’re getting bolder, too – because they think we’re too cowardly to fight back. They think we’ve forgotten how to fight.

If George Bush has any balls, now’s the time to prove them wrong.

This is your solution, like it or not: Any country harboring terrorists – that would include Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Libya, Syria, et. al. – must be wiped from the face of the earth.

Scramble 30 bombers. Five warheads each – six if the plane will hold it. Bomb the shit out of these countries – get rid of these raghead bastards.

So what if you take innocents out, too? This is war, people. They don’t care about killing our innocents; why should we give a shit about theirs??

And that goes for the Palestinians, too. Let’s do Israel a favor and eliminate those sons-of-bitches from the annals of history, as well. They want to laugh and make merry at our misfortune, they need to pay the ultimate price.

Show the world some balls, George W. Teach them that there’s a price for fucking with America. Demonstrate to them that we have not forgotten how to fight!

I fell asleep in my Comfy Chair before Texan-Charger, and didn’t wake up until it was over.

I missed the Texans coming from a 21-point deficit to win on Randy Bullock’s last-second 41-yard field goal.

“Once you put a score on the board, then another, and the defense gets a stop, the big turnover, it just builds,” said [quarterback Matt] Schaub, who bounced back from an interception on Houston’s first play to pass for 346 yards. “Momentum keeps building, and you can feel that energy, and it’s contagious.”

Brian Cushing returned an interception 18 yards for the tying touchdown with 9:30 to play for the Texans, who erased a 28-7 deficit late in the third quarter to spoil the debut of Chargers coach Mike McCoy.

After two straight division titles and playoff trips, the Texans have ample experience in handling trouble together. Schaub provided steady leadership, and their vaunted defense held San Diego to 90 yards — just 7 on the ground — in the second half.

Pachall, who missed most of last season after an arrest on suspicion of drunken driving, injured his left forearm at the end of a running play late in the second quarter, didn’t return and was ruled out of TCU’s Big 12 opener at Texas Tech on Thursday night.

“Probably not good,” TCU coach Gary Patterson said, declining to offer any specifics. “He won’t play next week. I can promise you that.”

Later, the university confirmed to ESPN.com that Pachall had surgery on his non-throwing arm and is expected to miss multiple games.

Thing about it was, Pachall wasn’t impressing anyone prior to getting hurt. And he sure as Hell wasn’t moving the TCU offense.

And after he got hurt, Trevon Boykin came in – and basically got the offense going, helping the Frogs score 24 unanswered points to put the game away.

Pachall’s had surgery on his left arm, and will be out at least eight weeks. Which may be the best thing for the Frogs, at least this season.

It helps, though, if you have Microsoft Internet Explorer set about 1024x768 1280x1024 with your Favorites window activated on the left deactivated. (At least until I can get a better handle on how WordPress works.)