The gay footballer who chose freedom over 'constructed prison'

By Tom McGowan, CNN

Updated 7:09 AM ET, Sun May 19, 2013

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Photos:Marcus Urban's battle with homophobia in football

'The hidden footballer' – Marcus Urban was an East German football player who turned his back on the sport in order to live as an openly gay man. Urban told his story in the book "Versteckspieler: Die Geschichte des schwulen Fußballers Marcus Urban", "Hidden Player: the story of the gay footballer Marcus Urban".

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Photos:Marcus Urban's battle with homophobia in football

Talented youngster – Urban, pictured on the far left, began his career in 1978 when he joined East German club Motor Weimar at the age of seven. He moved to Rot-Weiss Erfurt in 1984, where he won a youth championship.

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Photos:Marcus Urban's battle with homophobia in football

Marcus Urban's battle with homophobia in football – The midfielder's reputation was growing and he was called up to the East German youth team in 1986. He made over 100 appearances for Rot-Weiss' first team, but Urban felt burdened by his sexuality. "Constantly hearing gay used as a curse word like s**t, made me think, 'Of course, I'm s**t," Urban told CNN.

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Photos:Marcus Urban's battle with homophobia in football

'Constructed prison' – Urban's form suffered and, following a stint with provincial club SC 1903 Weimar, he gave up on his dream of becoming a professional footballer. "I realized that if I became a professional footballer, I would suffer as a man," he explained. "I chose freedom over a constructed prison."

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Photos:Marcus Urban's battle with homophobia in football

A passion reignited – Since "coming out" Urban has been able to reignite his love for the beautiful game. He now consults with organizations, including football associations, on issues of diversity and integration. "There are certainly more boring lives than mine," he said.

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Photos:Marcus Urban's battle with homophobia in football

Rogers' retirement – Former United States international Robbie Rogers attracted headlines by announcing himself as gay after retiring for football, aged just 25, earlier this year. Rogers was recently invited to train with Major League Soccer champions Los Angeles Galaxy.

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Photos:Marcus Urban's battle with homophobia in football

NBA history – Jason Collins, currently a free agent, made NBA history last month by becoming the first male athlete in a major North American sport to come out as gay.

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Photos:Marcus Urban's battle with homophobia in football

Thomas' example – Urban believes rugby player Gareth Thomas set the perfect example for athletes wishing to "come out". "He proceeded in stages," Urban said of the Welshman who publicly revealed his sexuality in 2009. "First he outed himself to his wife. Then he told his coach and then two players. After each step he received positive feedback."

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Story highlights

Marcus Urban was an East German footballer who retired to live as openly gay

A talented midfielder Urban represented East Germany as a youth international

NBA player Jason Collins "came out" in an interview with Sports Illustrated last month

Former United States midfielder recently announced he was after retiring from soccer

Four walls, a bed and a slop bowl. If prison represents physical confinement and a loss of every personal freedom, what does imprisonment of the mind feel like?

"Unbearable" according to Marcus Urban, a German footballer who gave up his chosen profession -- his "first love" -- because of homophobia in the game.

In a sport infamous for macho bravado on the pitch and anti-gay chants in the terraces, Urban was battling an unspeakable shame.

A promising talent, Urban in his youth played alongside and against future German national team stars Robert Enke, Bernd Schneider and Thomas Linke.

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The young midfielder, born and raised in East Germany in the 1970s and 80s in the days before reunification with West Germany in 1990, dreamed of representing his country -- but he was living an exhausting double life.

On the surface he was a rising football star, but beneath he was a man coming to terms with his homosexuality.

"I hid 24 hours a day, I adjusted," explained Urban, who was terrified of being "outed" in a sport which today has just one openly gay professional player in Europe.

"It was an almost unbearable pain, a great sacrifice, a painful price to pay to achieve my goal of becoming a professional footballer.

"Constantly hearing gay used as a curse word like s**t, made me think, 'Of course, I'm s**t.' I spent 50% of my energy trying to hide, so a maximum of 50% of my energy was available for football. It wasn't fair.

"I kept thinking, 'I cannot do this anymore, I don't want to. What is going on?' Nobody was there to help me."

"Why not?" replied Urban. "It is a great opportunity for the football world to show now that it is ready. Associations and clubs can come out as 'gay-friendly'. Then players, officials, coaches, referees and so many others will follow.

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After years of torment and secrecy, Urban's coming out proved to be a turning point. With new-found confidence, he was able to pursue a life away from the football pitch.

Urban has told his story in the book "Hidden Player: The story of a gay footballer," while he is also something of a life coach, consulting with organizations -- including football associations -- on issues of diversity and integration.

"I was so glad to finally be myself and I finally knew what the years of torment had been about," he explained. "With the energy and force of liberation I went on the front foot, on the offensive.

"I work as a personal coach and diversity consultant. I work for organizations and I help them to appreciate the dimensions of age, ethnicity, gender, religion and even sexual orientations."

With a wealth of personal and professional expertise on the subject of "coming out," Urban is in a unique position to offer advice to any player in a similar situation to the one he found himself in two decades ago.

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"Football is the only way to tackle this topic comprehensively," he said. "Very many people are geared towards football role models on television.

"If world soccer stars accepted their homosexuality, young people would question having to be so rough and macho.

"The result would be a social change that goes far beyond football."

Urban is now comfortable with his sexuality, but he is not impervious to the homophobic barbs he often overhears in general conversation.

"'F****, f****t', any negative way of calling someone gay," replies Urban when asked which insults he hears. "I was constantly affected by insults. Although it is not said to me directly it concerns me, even today."

"But today, with more self-esteem and confidence, I look at homophobia from the perspective of a personal coaches and diversity consultant. Sometimes I have to laugh about it too, because it's stupid and ridiculous."

Self-esteem and confidence have helped Urban to heal the wounds inflicted by his first love, football.

He is once more besotted with the sport, playing with and against gay-friendly teams from across the globe.

It might not be playing at a World Cup with the German national team, but Urban is now back on the pitch, this time with his head held high.

"I really wanted to play for the men's national team," reflected Urban. "It makes me happy to have made something out of my experiences.

"For years I could never play football in the stadium. I saw the grass and could not stand being a spectator rather than being down playing on the pitch. I had regrets, I was sad and angry.

"After I came out I was so much more confident. I played football at university, in a team consisting predominantly of gay footballers against other gay teams from Paris, London or New York and Washington.

"Today, I play at a club in Hamburg, accepted by everyone and my teammates are proud of me, I think. It is a great experience to play football and to feel free, pure happiness.