Advice For Justin Bieber's New Puppy From His Estranged Monkey

Few Christmas gifts carry as much joy as pets — what's better than meeting a new buddy? Children everywhere fall asleep on Christmas Eve wishing for puppies, cats, or ponies, and a lucky few wake up to find a furry new friend while, on the other hand, Justin Bieber simply waltzes down the pet store and buys one for himself. Photographers caught Bieber purchasing a bulldog puppy while visiting family for Christmas in Ontario, Canada. And unless that puppy was for a member of his family, we're just a little worried for the 7-week-old pup.

In case you're the well-adjusted sort of person who doesn't allow your brain to store useless information like that time Bieber bought a monkey and then abandoned him in Germany, here's a little refresher: Bieber didn't provide paperwork for his monkey so the German government seized it, at which point Bieber refused to come get it and asked the German Government to cover its expenses.

After Bieber failed to return for the monkey, the fuzzball was eventually moved to a German zoo where he lives with six other Capuchin monkeys. From his happy new home, Mally the monkey has prepared some advice for Bieber's latest furry interest (and by "the monkey has prepared," we mean "we totally made this up").

1. Try to endear yourself to the youngest of Bieber's relatives.

The only way to ensure that Justin does not take you to a foreign country where your lack of documentation will land you in Sad, Dejected Pet Jail is to make the youngest, most weep-worthy relative love you so much that they refuse to relinquish their vice-like grip on your tail. As a bulldog, you don't have a tail, so you may have to sacrifice your ears, but I'd give up three ears to get back those days spent in a cage in the airport, sonny boy.

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2. Don't let him convince you to try harem pants.

It's a trap. Trust me.

3. Never Get in the Car With Bieber.

If Justin insists on driving his Lamborghini, treat that car like hot lava, howl at the moon, or bark his own sappy lyrics back at him until he gives up. Justin's a fan of driving at break-neck speeds, and since you're not nimble like me, puppy whiplash is likely in your future.

4. Run.

You're an adorable bulldog puppy — someone will want to take you home and feed you faux-bacon strips and cuddle your many impossibly-layered wrinkles, so run. Plus, word has it dude's retiring from music, which means he's probably going to be home, taking selfies with his "do I need to poop right now?" face all. damn. day. You don't need that in your life.