Hello! Welcome to the fifth recap of the second season of Orange is the New Black, a charming program about indoor plumbing and the women who suffer when it breaks. You might notice something a little different about this recap — most notably, that I am not Kate, your esteemed, hilarious and insightful Orange is the New Black re-capper.

This is not a picture of me

Unfortunately, bois and grrrls, Kate’s work schedule has gotten so overwhelming that she can no longer commit to recapping the rest of the season (but she did publish an excellent piece on femslash today), and thus we’ll be doing something creative for the season’s remainder — I’ll be recapping 205 and 206, and after that we’ll be featuring a different recapper for each episode! DOESN’T THAT SOUND LIKE FUN? I mean, not as much fun as Kate’s recaps… but fun! Please don’t throw produce at my head. I’M NOT WEARING A SNAPBACK. Kate looks better in hats than I do. OR DOES SHE.

We open in the “Spanish Harlem” bathrooms, where Maritza’s talking to Flaca about missing her son’s first birthday and everybody is naked or almost naked.

Sooooo I was thinking maybe tomorrow we could skip the showers and just female ejaculate all over each other instead

Gloria pulls a lady out of the shower by her nipple so she can assert her righteous position atop the personal hygiene throne but before Gloria can strip down and lather up, the sewers revolt, spewing forth liquid feces because THIS PLACE IS A HELL-HOLE.

Who put a passive-aggressive post-it note in the shower?

So Gloria and her girls head to the bathroom in B-Block and are met with immediate resistance from Taystee and Black Cindy and basically everybody. Gloria says nobody gets breakfast until her crew freshens up. Then Vee emerges from the swampy hellscape where she ingests whatever sour poison replaces the blood in her veins to inform Gloria that her “girls” are “not inclined to offer special privileges.” What does that even mean.

Talk dirty to me

Then everybody tries to punch each other in the face! Then everybody gets a shot! Like the song.

Cut to Flashbackland, where Gloria’s operating a bodega that also sells Santería candles because she is #1 Boss.

My living room still lacks the promised degree of serenity

Also, she’s running a little food stamp scam operation ’cause she’s saving up cash to drive to my house to see the #1 Boss candle I made in her honor.

BRO I AM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW

Also, she’s got at least two kids and her sister Lourdes does Santería in the backroom.

Do you understand what goes down at those gay bath houses?

Also, her boyfriend is an unemployed asshole who beats her. So, I hope he dies in a fire.

You know I hate it when you do that weird chipmunk voice

This has become a relatively common story in Orange is the New Black Flashbackland: that there are these smart, tenacious, resourceful women who are trying to overcome their oppression by breaking/bending the rules created by a merciless, racist oligarchic government … and then there are these men who fuck up their shit. Many Litchfield inmates are their own worst enemy, but that’s not what’s happening to Gloria, and it’s not what happened to Watson or Daya, either.

Back at Litchfield, Big Boo and Nicky are continuing to hash out the detailed rules of their Bang-Off Spectacular, which is like Regionals but for prison.

Chang: All of the girls must want to have sex.Big Boo: Yes Chang, we know, it’s not a rape contest.

It’s Yerba Matte, fool. And it’s delicious.

Nicky and Big Boo bicker about who’s better at giving girls multiple orgasms and Chang reveals an illustrated guide to The Women of Litchfield, in which each lady’s worth a different number of points. Chapman’s devastated to be worthy of a mere three points.

Chapman: I am so more than a three. I am so not easy.Nicky: You’re slutty, not easy. There’s a difference, semantically.Big Boo: Yeah, you’re not easy. You only fucked your worst enemy.Chapman: Alex was not my enemy. At the time. That I knew. It was complicated. She has that effect on me.Big Boo: Me too. Love to get my dick in her mouth.

Elsewhere in this fine cafeteria, Vee is stirring shit up ’cause that’s what she does, she’s a shit-stirrer. She should go to the Spanish Harlem bathroom and make some soup but instead she’s in the cafeteria reminiscing about the good old days when she could stick forks in everybody’s eyeballs and get to work on time.

Brah I totally thought they were implants too but I’m telling you that shit was real

Poussey gets jokey and cute because she’s my girlfriend and Vee gets bitchy and cruel because she’s the worst.

Vee: Do you like being another woman’s doormat?Poussey: Who said anything about being a doormat, man, I’m my own doormat.

POUSSEY I WOULD NEVER TREAT YOU LIKE A DOORMAT I WOULD HAND-CROCHET YOU A DOORMAT USING FABRIC TAKEN FROM HOODIES YOU WORE IN HIGH SCHOOL AND BLESS IT WITH A GLORIA CANDLE AND MAKE SURE IT NEVER GOT DIRTY BUT IF IT EVER DID GET DIRTY I WOULD HAND-WASH IT 10,000 TIMES WITH ORGANIC WOOLITE

That was when Taystee noticed a tiny evil worm crawling out of Vee’s hair

Cut to the greenhouse, where Red is leading the olds in some spring cleaning and Jimmy is excited about her date to see Easter Parade with Jack at the cinema.

Ugh, The Mortal Instruments crew always leaves this place such a mess!

Healy shows up to get Woman Advice from Red — should he take his wife to Our Town at Litchfield High School? If he asked ME I’d say “absolutely fucking not” because although I love Our Town and starred as The Stage Manager in the 1993 Emerson Middle School production of Our Town, it’s way too dialogue-focused and setless for a lady who’s not into English because even people who like English find Our Town to be a total snoozer.

is this where I can buy some of that reefer asking for a friend

“I don’t know, I’m not familiar with the actors at that particular high school,” Red snarks, and Healy keeps going — maybe he could take her to dinner? They just opened an Italian place! I hope it’s The Olive Garden. Red says they don’t scratch each other’s backs anymore so she doesn’t give a fuck about who’s getting a Create a Sampler Italiano or listening to Emily say goodbye to clocks ticking. But oh well:

Red: “Skip the play. Take her to dinner.”

Jimmy mutters “Shit licker” as Healy departs, because she is an angel.

It’s Visitor Time In the Visitor Plaza! Maria’s getting a visit from her silent husband/boyfriend and Chapman has the pleasure of spending time at a small table with her hilarious brother and uptight mother creature. It’s the first they’ve seen her since the three weeks she spent in solitary for her brawl with Pennsatucky. Cal’s disappointed she doesn’t have more dislocated limbs or visible bruising.

Trust me. The sex was TOTALLY WORTH IT

Also, Cal’s girlfriend Neri is in the lobby due to an apparent problem with her background check, where she’s chatting up an innocent youth about how this place looks just like her old high school.

Neri: “I tell you what I find most disturbing is that it looks almost exactly like my old high school in here. Same cinderblock construction, low ceilings, oppressive fluorescent lighting. I wonder if that’s intentional. Like part of the punishment? If so, kudos to the government, because it’s genius.”

Don’t hide from me you tiny bug. I SEE YOU.

Piper’s Mom wants to know if Larry visited, but she should already know he hasn’t ’cause her chair isn’t covered in mayonnaise. Piper reminds her Mom that they broke up and Mom wants to find her a new man but Piper says no because she read on the internet that Alex will be back for future episodes.

IXNAY on the Zach Effron / Michelle Rodriguez situation please

Also, after an extended (and hilarious) guessing game of “why isn’t Dad here” between Piper and Cal, we learn that Piper’s grandmother is dying. WOMP WOMP

Cut to the kitchen, where Gloria’s wondering out loud in the form of a question when Caputo intends to fix their bathroom so they don’t have to bathe in human waste. He says they’ve gotta wait for Fig to return from her undoubtedly relaxing vacation to Albany with her smarmy husband who’s running for office. I HATE FIG SO MUCH.

I’m a little teapot short and stout, here is my handle and here is my spout

Flashbackland: Lourdes thinks Gloria should call the police and get her boyfriend deported ’cause he keeps beating her up and SPEAK OF THE DEVIL

I just want to throw you in a cold dark prison cell let’s see who gets what she wants

Lourdes, goddess of the playground, tells him off while he pleads with Gloria to give him another chance. Lourdes says he can work on his problems on the way to hell and DONT TOUCH THE CHILDREN

DID SOMEBODY SAY ICE CREAM?

Arturo gets down on his knees in the playground and makes a scene, grabbing Gloria, pulling her close. She’s got a black eye. Lourdes is praying for her. It’s really fucking sad.

Do you think the tooth fairy will bring us crystal meth this year?

Back at Bang-Off Bangers Club, Big Boo tells Nicky that she banged Gruber in the shed or something. Nicky claims to be aiming much higher than good ol’ Gruby — she wants to bang Correctional Officer Fischer! THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.

Psst, hey, didja have a chance to go to Michael’s today?

Oh you bet your ass I did.

Let’s Modge Podge right now

Nicky: “I’m a sexual Steve Jobs and that bitch is worth ten points.”

Also she will make that bitch pocket-sized, hook up some headphones to that bitch, and sell her to you for one hundred points! While wearing a turtleneck.

So, who are we handcuffing to the bed tonight?

Cut to Healy’s House of Sadness, where Katya’s refusing to attend their date to The Spaghetti Factory ’cause she already has plans with her girlfriend. Not the good kind of girlfriend, the other kind.

It’s Franzia White Zinfandel, thank you for asking. You can find the rest of the box in the fridge.

Healy yells at her about how she should speak English and how it’s not crazy for him to want them to do something nice together, because it’s not like she has to WORK or anything. Healy is such a sad sack. He says her girlfriend can come along on their exciting date because his friends are her friends and vice versa and she’s like BUT YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS, SAM. Ouch.

and that’s why I thought we could all go in on a new cell phone plan from Verizon Friends & Framily

Some inconsequential amount of time later, the ladies of Spanish Harlem are unable to find their shoes, which happened to me all the time when I lived in Spanish Harlem too. One time I made a LOST sign for all my unmatched socks and hung it up all over the apartment and my roommate was like WHY ARE YOU SO WEIRD. Anyhow.

Just polishing my hands for my 4pm fisting appointment with Flaca

Good news! Gloria has found their shoes — all tied up to each other in her bed. (No word on my unmatched socks, however. Probably because they’re nowhere near my old apartment on 115th & First Avenue.)

So uh, just out of curiosity do we have any Battlestar fans in this room?

You found it on VHS.

WE GOT AN ALL FIVE SEASONS BOX SET BITCHESSSSSSS LETS WATCH THAT SHITTTT

Meanwhile, Chapman’s in her cell feeling sad because her grandmother is sick and dying.

It’s true I’m only worth this many points just three points DON’T LOOK AT ME

“I don’t wanna bore anyone with my problems,” says Chapman, which is a total lie. Consequently Red is a good friend and asks kind questions about the situation and makes some astute remarks about the fallibility of human organs.

Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Your all-caps paragraph is spot-on (the one concerning Poussey and doormats) and also this whole recap is hilarious and I enjoyed it very much and want to link it to my roommate but probs shouldn’t because I link her things pretty much everyday…

It’s great that you guys are doing a recapper rotation for OINTB. Could you do something similar for The Fosters? It is the only show about adult lesbians being adults while not in jail, your older readers would be very happy if you did.

Was anyone else bothered by the recap’s less-than-respectful treatment of Santería, particularly by the presence of terms (magic, witchcraft) that have been central to the rhetoric used to delegitimize and demonize the ritual lives and practices of marginalized groups, women and people of color included?

I would have to agree with you! Even though I know that flippant humor is definitely one of Riese’s writing styles (at least that is what I have gleamed from all of her glee reacaps- which I LOVE, by the way!), I think that the tone didn’t really match well here.

I sincerely doubt that Riese intended any harm, but it definitely came across as disrespectful. Especially when taken into consideration with the fact that the OITNB writing team went as far as to get an actual Santería priest to consult on the episode to make sure that THEY weren’t disrespectful in their treatment of the religion. I would hope that Autostraddle would have the same consideration in their recaps. The website staff is generally pretty good about making sure its inclusive for all lady and/or gender-flexible queer folks, regardless of race, religion, culture, etc.

oh wow, i had absolutely no idea what I was talking about and definitely didn’t know that “magic” would be considered offensive at all!! also we’re understaffed this week and training a bunch of new people so nobody proofread this before it went up. i’m seriously five minutes away from walking out the door and was just perusing the comments quickly before heading out, but I’ll edit to reflect this information when I get back. I’m really sorry!

It is so much better! I kept checking back periodically, because I had hope that someone from the team would correct this once they saw the comments. I’m glad to know that my faith in the goodness of Autostraddle continues to be proven true! Thanks for the fix, it really made a difference 🙂