Oddly enough, the powers that be did not host a Marmaduke press screening before opening day last Friday. Now, I know what you're thinking-"OH MY BABY JESUS IN HEAVEN, THEY DIDN'T?!"-and I would appreciate it if you would tone down the sarcasm, rhetorical telepathic conversation partner inside my head-universe. You dick. So anyway, this morning I paid nine American dollars to watch Marmaduke in a completely empty movie theater. I live-tweeted the experience. Here's what went down:

Marmaduke has a "new leash on life." Make a note of it.

Spoiler alert: Marmaduke wins the surfi ng contest.

Spoiler alert: Marmaduke is outrageous.

Try to keep up: Everyone found out Marmaduke got GeorgeLopezCat to let Marmaduke beat him in a fi ght and now he is "Marmafake" and evil...

...Bosco is top dog again. Now Marmaduke is preparing to commit suicide.

Now Marmaduke is watching Old Yeller through a shop window in the rain. Hey, Marmaduke: THE DOG DIES AT THE END.

Shit. I am way behind on my Marmaduke portmanteaus. Gotta go take a Marmadump.