Category: Criminal/Illegal

(I work the night shift. Two men in their twenties enter the store. They’re wearing saggy pants, and all the works. They look like they’ve been in a fight, as one has a black eye and a split lip, and the other has a swollen cheek and a nosebleed. Immediately they start harassing me, making lewd innuendos, and generally being obnoxious. Another customer walks in and spots them.)

Customer: “You again? How many times am I going to have to beat the tar out of you tonight?”

(Both men turn around, take a good look at the customer, turn pale, and leave without another word.)

(My photo lab has two self-serve machines for customers to order prints of their photos. They either put in electronic media, such as a CD, or camera memory card, or they can scan a print into the computer.)

Customer: “What do I do first?”

Me: “Well, we will scan your pictures, and then tell it what you want.”

(The customer shows me an album of wedding photos that were taken approximately in the 1950s-60s.)

Me: “Unfortunately, these are still protected by [United States] federal copyright law. For anything less than 75 years old, we need permission from the person hired to take the pictures.”

Customer: “But how does the machine know they’re copyrighted?”

Me: “Uh… it doesn’t. That’s my job. We look at each order before printing, to make sure we have proper documentation so we don’t break the law.”

(I’m working the register. A customer comes to the register with three ice creams.)

Me: “So, is this it for you today?”

Customer: “Yes, sir.”

Me: “Alright your total is $12.75.”

(The customer hands me a $20 bill. I hand him his change.)

Customer: “Where’s the rest of my change?”

Me: “I gave you your change already, sir.”

Customer: “No, you didn’t! I gave you a $100 bill. You’re shorting me $80!”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that you paid with a $20 bill.”

Customer: “No you can’t, because I paid with a $100 bill! How can they let an incompetent dip-s*** like you handle money? This is a disgrace.”

Me: “Sir, the only disgrace here is you. For starters, company policy states that we can not accept bills larger than $50. If you did give me a $100 bill, I would refuse it and ask for a smaller bill. On top of all that, the $20 you gave me is still on the counter right next to the register.”

(The customer goes silent, and quietly exits the store. He has not been seen at our store since.)

(I’m a police officer in full uniform. I stop in a local store and notice a loud customer ahead of me in the line.)

Cashier: “Sir, you haven’t paid for that. If you leave the store, it’s stealing.”

Customer: “Bull-s***! You did something with my card; you took my money! I’m leaving with this stuff.”

Cashier: “No, the order was cancelled for insufficient funds. You left to get another card; the whole order needs to be rescanned.”

(I realize that the loud customer hasn’t seen me yet. I excuse myself from the line, and move behind the irate customer as he starts mouthing off to the cashier.)

Me: “Sir, you need to calm down and let the lady do her job. She’s trying to help you as fast as she can.”

Customer: “Man, f*** you. Who the f*** do you think you—”

(He turns around to look at me, and immediately goes all sheepish.)

Customer: “Sorry, officer.”

Me: “Yeah, I thought so.”

(The customer calms down, and is out of the store in five minutes. It’s a shame that some people will not act civilly unless they’re given a friendly reminder that there are consequences for acting like a turd.)

(I work in the shoe department of a retail chain. I notice two customers walking through the aisles; both are wearing extremely shabby shoes.)

Me: “Hey guys, can I help you find anything?”

Customer: “Nah, we’re just looking.”

(I walk away. Moments later, I see both guys heading towards the front door. This time, one is wearing a pair of sparkling white, brand new shoes. Knowing exactly where those shoes are in the department, I find a box containing the customer’s dirty sneakers. I grab the box and chase them down as they’re walking out to the parking lot.)

Me: “Hey guys, did you forget something?”

Customer: “Um… no? What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, if you’re going to steal shoes, don’t you at least want to keep your old ones?”

(I open the box to show him.)

Customer: “Oh, steal? No, I was just going to pay for them.”

Me: “I get it. You thought the cash registers were outside? That’s a common mistake! I’ll escort you to a check-out line.”

(I’ll give the customer credit; he did pay for the shoes. He probably didn’t enjoy them as much, since he didn’t get them for free.)