Sunday, 4 December 2016

The marriage vows: two kinds of men.

When a
former lieutenant-colonel (Mr Goh, 40, and married with a child) gave his
sincerest and unqualified apology in open court "for sending the woman the
text messages" which contained sexual advances, he went further to say,
"I should not have sent you the said text messages and I am extremely
sorry for the effect that they had on you. I am deeply remorseful of my actions
and hope that you can accept my apology."

In addition
to the apology, Mr Goh also compounded the matter with a payment of $4000 to a
charity of the 29-year-old woman's choice. The woman was in court that day and
she was with a male companion. Mr Goh met her when her event company won a
tender for an exhibition he was overseeing.

Lesson?
Alas, the mind of men is like a tepid lake with passion-conflicting
undercurrents not apparent even to ourselves. We therefore underestimate the
lurking tides at our own peril. And just when we think it is safe to take a
swim in the mental waters, the undertow of temptation can pull us in and leave
us in a state of helpless surrender.

We men have
a trite way of dealing with adultery. Before the fall, we tell ourselves we are
in control. And after the fall, we blame it on everything (and everyone else)
except ourselves.

As such, in
terms of the marriage vows, we have two kinds of men in this world. The first
kind dedicates his life to safeguarding the marriage vows from the day he says
"I do". He takes the marriage seriously, even reverently, in season
and out. His faithfulness is sealed with the altar kiss.

And the
second kind says "I do" at the aisle before a crowd of witnesses, and
subsequently, when the opportunity avails itself, he readily says "Why
not?" He is one whose commitment is based on emotions. He is someone who
treats the marriage seriously only to the extent that he still feels good about
it. And his feelings waver with the moods of the time. To him, what the wife doesn't
know doesn't hurt her - ignorance is indeed bliss.

Let me end
by saying that I do not know how a perfect husband looks like. But a committed
one is as vulnerable as any man on the street. He is not above temptation. He
is not above doubts and second thoughts. He struggles too with work, family and
conflicting passions. He can be distracted, disillusioned and discouraged. He
is every bit as flawed as the man next to him.

But in his
flaws, his imperfections, he refuses to take the easy way out. In the
temptations he faces, he refuses to give opportunity even a whisker of a
chance. He knows his weaknesses, and consciously cuts a mental path miles away
from it.

He is
fiercely self-censuring and never takes anything for granted. He starves his
carnal desires by burning the bridges that connect his unstable emotions with
the occasional weariness of the human will arising from the stresses of life.
And he fights hard for his marriage, constantly reminding himself that lust is
fleeting, self-serving, but love is transforming, self-denying.

Let this
poem by William Blake take us home about the two ways to love (self sacrificing
or self-pleasing):-