Standardize the size and shape of all keys, so the only difference between them is the variation in the teeth. Also, make key rings and key chains illegal. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

Replace friendly, knowledgeable humans with an automated voice that prompts callers to ceaselessly punch buttons until they no longer remember why they called or even have the will to live. Oh, wait... (Marie Harris, Elkridge)

Adapt to all appliances the "Are you sure?" message that computers demand before deleting something. Microwave a burrito: "Are you sure?" Change the channel: "Are you sure?" (Will Cramer and Julie Thomas, Herndon)

All pills must be suppositories. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

"Lather. Rinse. Calculate the cube root of the number on the bottle's bar code. Repeat." (Michael Denyszyn, New York)