tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39879762015-03-17T18:06:10.117-05:00This Rocketship Will CrashStories by Miracle Jones: miraclejones@fictioncircus.comMiracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.comBlogger110125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-51060211675497116182015-02-06T15:27:00.002-06:002015-02-10T12:51:21.633-06:00The Avengers: Age of Ultron
“Hey, can I borrow twenty dollars so I can buy a bar of soap and a bag of rice and eighteen cans of beans?” I ask my roommate.
“I don’t have any cash,” she says, shivering, staring at the wall with doom in her eyes. There is a plastic bag beside her. She has been puking non-stop all night, it seems like. Some kind of stomach flu. Surely infectious. Every time I leave my room, I wash my handsMiracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-44168323451070132212014-06-10T16:40:00.002-05:002014-09-11T15:50:35.958-05:00Pancake Spring
Mandy did not learn that
her granddad was dead from her family, from Facebook, from the police, from a
witch, from a Wikipedia article, or from Jezebel. She learned about it from a representative of
the International House of Pancakes, the company that Mandy’s granddad Russell Irwin
Fox started back in nineteen hundred and fifty one, back when coffee cost a
dime and a television set cost Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-12142550595217558062013-11-29T16:06:00.001-06:002014-11-17T00:00:26.672-06:00Fulfillment
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I
am working at the new Amazon fulfillment center in Haslet, Texas as a seasonal,
part-time picker. It is winter. We aren’t workers here: we are
associates. It is a job that I canMiracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-56867392910333158152012-10-22T10:53:00.002-05:002012-10-22T17:52:31.558-05:00“There is a Financial Solution for Every Emotional Problem!”
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Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-58530270895502697602012-09-25T17:24:00.001-05:002012-09-25T17:38:34.083-05:00The Muppet Ranch
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"Hello, Senator," said Dr. Shelly
Robicheaux, who the bloggers called "Madam Shelly." "Welcome to the Muppet Ranch. I sincerely hope you enjoy your stay. You deserve it. You Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-90748519374943526172012-09-24T10:55:00.004-05:002012-09-24T10:55:48.327-05:00Sing Meatbags, Sing Medicine Angels!
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Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-31872985740575998492012-08-27T18:11:00.002-05:002012-08-27T18:13:36.178-05:00Merry Slotsmas
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Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-45254759870102139132012-08-24T09:30:00.001-05:002012-08-24T09:30:33.978-05:00Two Music Videos I Have Made
"Baby, Let Our Rape Baby Live"
"Government"
Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-79611917943044592072012-05-22T13:26:00.002-05:002014-07-08T15:47:23.048-05:00Kickstart My Bad Life
So I used to have the same drug dealer as one of the guys who invented Kickstarter.
This Kickstarter guy and my drug dealer were fucking each other, but I don't think they were in any kind of real relationship, though what does that even mean anymore?
Every time I went to go buy weed from her, this Kickstarter guy was always there, hanging out on his laptop while my drug dealer painted, or Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-63882920181076064402012-03-26T18:37:00.006-05:002012-10-01T16:17:58.849-05:00Mutamate
(***Now you can also read "Mutamate" at www.megazine.xxx!***)
I decided to be brave, and plus it was extremely hot on the beach and I was tired of wearing my massive, special, extra-wide, steel-toed boots.
I slowly unlaced them as my co-workers stared at me, gawking and grinning.
I kicked them off and stretched my enormous webbed feet, burrowing my three-knuckled toes into the hot sand Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-92113065826231301142012-02-17T15:23:00.007-06:002012-03-12T16:13:32.715-05:00Let's Get KilledWhen I saw my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend sitting on my porch and petting my cat, I knew he had come to do me violence.I dropped my bicycle at the curb and looked around for some kind of weapon. There wasn't anything. I remembered that the guy's name was Kirby and that he used to be a Marine before he came to Austin and joined a band. Kirby was sitting in my lawn chair, Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-80595657396653989702012-01-20T16:18:00.003-06:002012-10-01T16:19:24.464-05:00Ballfights
(***Now you can also read "Ballfights" at www.megazine.xxx!***)
My little brother and his new girlfriend came to town to visit me the same night as this month's Ballfights.
They showed up at my apartment ready for me to be charming and hospitable, but I was already late, and so I stood in the hallway while they set their bags down. I furiously texted people at the lab, trying to explain Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-23396967719659714722011-12-17T20:00:00.004-06:002011-12-17T20:04:41.061-06:00Team BabiesChief research scientist Dr. Susannah Patel counted the votes in the cramped back room of the last bar on Earth that the crew of angry volunteer astronauts would ever see. Ejects, they called themselves. They could barely stand each other. Yet none of them could stand staying on this planet one more day. Dr. Patel was in charge of the program, but she would not be going with these Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-49769797822039675212011-11-29T23:35:00.031-06:002012-10-01T16:12:51.546-05:00Cream
(***You can also read "Cream" at www.megazine.xxx alongside original movie poster artwork by the fabulous, lovely, and extraordinarily-talented Ebecho!***)
When a famous writer wants to write an
exquisite porn story -- a story with no other purpose but to get
people off -- all they must do to protect their career is to use a
pseudonym.
When a famous director wants to make an
exquisite Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-81656554642022889472011-11-05T16:24:00.008-05:002011-11-19T17:00:16.991-06:00Where the Bottom Is At“I’m sorry about the awkward situation I have caused with my semen,” said Mo on the chilly autumn morning that Mo and his henchmen perpetrated their daring daylight funeral robbery at the Red Oak House. “I never had any wet dreams as a teenager. I didn’t start having wet dreams until I became homeless. It won’t happen again for awhile. I think I got all my junk out for Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-45505794399872479072011-10-16T14:48:00.014-05:002011-10-17T23:03:17.450-05:00VitalicsAt least the Catholics were consistent: it only took one new pope and one conclave before the Church declared that artificial intelligence also had the same right to life as fetuses and murderers.Priests ordained in the brotherhood of St. Vitus were dispatched to tech start-ups and research laboratories all over the world, ready to baptize any computers that met the strict qualifications Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-32718665390844343002011-05-14T18:12:00.002-05:002011-06-24T13:57:47.946-05:00Tower of SilenceBig Ben had been dead for six games now -- nearly a whole month -- and the realtor said we only had one day left to empty his house.Since the funeral, none of us had wanted to visit his place alone. When the realtor emailed Dr. Aziz and told him that we couldn’t put it off any longer, we decided to all go together.“One last afternoon at Benjamin’s,” said Dr. Aziz.According to the Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-71297646460070839872011-04-29T13:50:00.021-05:002012-03-09T13:19:37.364-06:00The GoodsI knew that Alexandra was ready for me to propose to her, but lesbian or not, there was no way that I was going to marry her without fucking her mother first.Obviously, I hadn’t told Alexandra about my plan. While we waited for her parents to arrive from their hotel, Alexandra and I cooked dinner for them and she told me stories about her childhood in London. I could tell that Alexandra Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-44447445552307806142011-02-17T16:02:00.018-06:002011-06-24T15:38:15.643-05:00DoolersI have been in a wheelchair since the car accident that killed my best friend Pete when I was sixteen, but the reason that I can’t use my right arm is because I fought a duel over a lady. It was a question of honor. We used .357 magnum revolvers at 50 paces.It all started when I moved to New York City from Austin, Texas. I moved to New York because my career had reached a dead end in Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-20574963219550293322011-01-16T19:25:00.004-06:002011-01-17T02:20:07.377-06:00Dinner ProI went out to drink whiskey with my punk friend Sally in order to hear about her date with the Dinner Pro.We sat at the bar next to these older Irish ladies with huge hair who looked like they were waiting for someone. Anyway, I kept smiling at them and they kept ignoring me.“So what was the Dinner Pro like?” I asked Sally. Sally had adders tattooed down both of her forearms. The Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-36987031284606413582011-01-06T21:34:00.014-06:002011-01-08T23:06:29.467-06:00The Super Secret International American Time BoxThe strangest story I ever heard while working as a police liaison was from this schizophrenic Iraq War veteran who took a bunch of hostages at a Whataburger on Christmas morning two years ago in Houston, Texas. She was convinced that she was a time traveler.Usually, my Christmas tradition is to spend the entire holiday high as a hawk, watching oldMiracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-2540105622309932802010-12-09T04:32:00.010-06:002011-10-22T16:48:35.407-05:00Gene SmokeI learned everything I know about becoming irresistible to women from this Russian gangster named Bad Dima one night before they deported him to Petrograd.He was a regular at this bathhouse where I worked as a bartender, this place called The Human Samovar down in the Financial District. Bad Dima would have been just another middle-aged man trying to steam away his daily troubles if heMiracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-76404184194267800362010-10-25T00:19:00.006-05:002010-11-15T14:48:25.428-06:00How to Get Laid for Zero Dollars and Zero Cents There is a day in New York City when all the women decide to burst forth from the captivity of their winter clothes. After months of trying to imagine what women look like by squinting at the cut of their jackets or by applying mental calipers to their necks, suddenly you are surrounded by glorious skin. It is like getting stabbed in the eyes by Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com56tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-15003024730916478622010-10-14T12:39:00.001-05:002010-10-14T12:51:48.690-05:00We Have All Been Hurt by Television ActorsI was looking forward to my last day of working at Fried Beer for two reasons: 1). it was my last day of working at Fried Beer and 2). my coworker Laurie had promised to tell me her “sad Tom Arnold scat sex story” on my last day of work.Six months ago, a man had come up to the cart while Laurie and I were parked on Ludlow and had ordered ten orders of Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3987976.post-37915663849727175332010-07-22T23:41:00.004-05:002010-10-08T08:43:23.615-05:00Fear Boys With DollsI didn’t want to go alone, so I convinced my fiancée Becca to come with me to Andy’s place to see his sex doll collection. I promised Becca we would only stay for an hour or so. She said Andy made her more uncomfortable than anyone she had ever met, but she understood that I was the closest thing he had to a real friend and so she said she would come with me to give me “Miracle Joneshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04100058485641060513noreply@blogger.com31