My life with two chronic illnesses - depression and MS - and how I'm gradually overcoming them to go from being "chronically ill" to "chronically well".

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Every little ting gonna be alright

Deciding to let my higher, wiser self to take the lead is proving to be a fascinating, hair-raising and thoroughly healing process.

Free of the need to control every event and every outcome, life is a much less stressful process. However, after a few weeks of trying to live this way, my habitual mind is still complaining several times a day that "it can't be this easy". Because honestly, after 3 decades of obsessive and culturally-sanctioned control freakery, I am still flabbergasted that letting go and trusting the process of life to unfold could really be this simple.

The effects on my health have been astounding. The hormonal turmoil is already showing solid, measurable improvements. I am able to get up in the morning, and stay up and active all day, and to sleep at night without chemical assistance. I am no longer screaming at my husband on a regular basis. My monthlies are actually arriving monthly again. I sometimes catch myself humming, or smiling for no reason. I am even ready to return to work, and looking forward to it!

This "letting go" is not a passive state. It's not about dismissing the ego either. It's simply learning to listen to the voice of my intuition, and following that, instead of automatically and unquestioningly obeying the barked demands of the habitual mind. That part of me believes that all of life is a zero sum gain, that nothing comes easy, that life is a painful, impossible struggle. I think perhaps that part of me has been wrong all along.

What I'm learning is that part of me never saw the whole picture. Its vision is so narrow: it's like a horse with blinkers on, that cannot see the glorious landscape through which it passes. It only sees the cold, stony path beneath its hooves.

Following the voice of my intuition is like replacing those blinkers with a fine lace veil: I see more, but I don't see everything. And what I see now is so mysteriously appealing, that the journey itself is now bedewed with grace and beauty.

So every time my "small self" clamours to retake the reins, I can point to the view and say:

"OK, I know you miss being the driver, and that you're scared. But just for a little longer, please just enjoy the view. Isn't it better like this, feeling well? You're still part of all this, you're just not doing it alone any more. And the one holding the reins, well, she really does know what she's doing."

And then this song returns, unbidden, but perfect for this gentle, easy stretch of road...