Exactly what it says on the tin.

YSaC, Vol. 1772: No weirdos.

Hey gentlemen! Are you looking for that special lady? Well, keep looking, because I doubt you can meet THESE high standards:

Seeking a prince with valor and loyalty – 35

35/F, Christian, does not fornicate. Looking for man who does not have sex unless he is in love, married, or someone who is a virgin. NO SEXUAL HOOKUPS. NO HOOKUPS AT ALL.
Looking for a friend. Semi-attractive, used to be more attractive female, need to work on myself, get in shape. Not a relationship based on looks or lust. Real friendship and connection, best friend, loyal, honest, non-sexual relationship. Friends, then maybe romance later. NO HOOKUPS, NO SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS. Contact me if you are a Christian, celibate, looking for something real, no booty calls, no lustful relationships. Please do not send any sexy photos or half-naked photos. Please do not reply and send me any photos. Only reply if looking for a long term relationship, a serious friendship, a soul mate. Do not reply if you do casual hookups, date more than one person at a time to try to weed out those you don’t like, if you date a few or several girls at once and are intimate with more than one person during that time period, if you have casual sex, if you do oral sex, if you have one night stands, if you go out to bars and try to pick up women, if you lust after women, if you watch porno, if you love breasts or love vaginas and desire to get lucky and score, if you rack up the notches on your bedpost, if you think that sex is a commodity, if you think that lustful sex is not immoral, if you think cheating is not immoral, if you care more about the physical looks of someone than who they are as a person, if you do not desire a personal connection built on trust and loyalty. If you are the type who is commitment-phobic, afraid of love, run away if a girl says she loves you, if you reject women after you sleep with them, please don’t e-mail me. If you are interested in being with someone, anyone because you desire to touch someone, but it’s just for here and now, don’t contact me. Don’t contact me if you think that women are like 31 flavors. Don’t contact me unless you value one person, monogamy, and unless you can cherish a person and don’t want anyone else. Don’t contact me if you want a physical relationship. If you try to wait to have sex until you find someone you love and/or you will marry, then contact me. If you believe in fornicating with anyone and it’s not a sin, don’t contact me.

So none of those things are OK. On the other hand, run-on sentences seem to be just fine. I think if we can find her a nice coma patient, she’ll be in good shape. Otherwise… good luck there, Sparkette.

Methinks Sparkesse doth protest too much. She may be a Christian and not into sex but she sure knows a lot about it to say she doesn’t want it. The word vicarious comes to mind, then again it’s Craigslist so maybe not.

Hello,
I am a 35 year old lifer at [location] state penitentiary looking for a lifetime non – sexual relationship with a committed crazy person of the female persuasion. Perhaps we can get to know each other better? I’m into long walks in the yard, reading case law, and have a nice side business in handcrafted shivs. What do you like to do in your free time?

You must desire a personal connection based on real friendship and loyalty. I’m not going to tell you about my personality except for a single all-consuming aspect, and I will express it in a way that will most likely send you running away screaming. At least my cats understand me.

WHEW!!! I got aroused just reading Sparkette’s post….I can only imagine what that repressed, tortured lady will be like when her inner demons are unleashed!
So, Tina, hows about a little roll in the hay???? (extra points for naming that little movie reference)