a woman, her daughter, and a great wide world

my american dream

there is this thing called the american dream. in it, there is a beautiful woman and a beautiful man. they have beautiful children. they have successful, fulfilling careers. they have a salary that allows a flat screen tv, ipods, cell phones, and a yearly family vacation. their house is filled with love.

you get to this dream by completing high school, going to college, getting a job, meeting your fiance, marrying, settling down, and having children.

the american dream screwed me. because it is not real. and i knew that–i knew it had been fabricated by pop-culture and creepy politicians. i knew it was fake. but when a man said he wanted me to marry him–something i never expected, had never counted on, had never even dreamed of–i said “okay” and suddenly bought into this fake american dream. and then it started to come true….the happiness, the jobs, the settling, the kid…and then it blew up in my face. because it wasn’t real.

and i knew that. and he knew that. and yet we persisted.

and now i have so many new dreams–dreams that are real, attainable, better–that i cannot figure out which one to pursue first. and i cannot figure out how to find the time to pursue one, once i figure out which one to pursue. and in the meantime, i’m still harboring all this anger due to my fake american dream blowing up in my face.

anger can be productive; it can force you to move. but it can also cause you to stew. stew in your own muck.

i would like to be done stewing so i can start being productive. i really would. but every time i think i’ve made it, something happens to make me angry again. he does something to make me angry. and i let him keep me back. i let him make me stew.

and i cannot figure out how to break this f**king cycle.

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3 Responses

Yeah…I thought the dream sort of screwed me too. But if I stop and give it some serious thought, I’m actually in a really good place, and I might even say I’m lucky. I hope every thing works out well for you, no matter which path you choose to travel next.

My best friend and I have led very different lives. I’m married with a baby, and have somehow managed to stay married in spite of horrendous marital turmoil. She is over 40 and still single. We have a saying that we share. A saying that we both refer to constantly, in the struggle to explain most of what happens to us on this planet.

“Nothing is how we thought it would be, is it?”

Fairy tales aren’t real. The American Dream? As you said, thought up to sell you things, pretty much. My father’s wisdom has helped me a lot, as things have fallen apart in my life over the past two years. Things I have learned (that, of course, I do not do well because I only just started practicing like a month ago) include:

Taking everything less seriously.
Sticking with what you value. Its easy to find people who we can get along with more easily, but its hard to find people who value what we value.
Remembering that the events of life are not a punishment or a reward for our “good behavior” or “bad behavior”. Instead, they just are…and there are no fatal mistakes.
Having freedom or having stability and consistency in life are both splendid gifts. Enjoying whatever gift we have been given to its fullest matters more than the gift itself.

i don’t know how long you were together or how long you are apart. my spouse and i were together for over 30 years, lived basically separate lives for the last 4 years and i moved out 6 months ago. it still hurts. it still holds me back. and i am much older than you are, presumably more mature. you’ll be okay. you are doing wonderfully. i admire you. and A will admire you. give yourself a little slack. it is easier to untie a noose when the rope is loose than when it is taut. the more you fight it, the tighter it gets. oh one other thing: it always gets worse before it gets better. remember though, it WILL get better. it WILL.