Reasons why your dates don't turn into relationships

"I never have a hard time getting dates. In fact, I am one of those girls who almost always have romantic plans on a Saturday night. The problem, however, is that most of these meet-ups never materialise into a relationship,” says Sanchaita Sinha, a 25-year-old content writer. Finding someone to love and not just date—that’s not easy at all and often takes many failed attempts. But don’t worry. You can improve your chances by working on your courtship technique. Both men and women make some common mistakes that get in the way of happiness, or you know, a second date. Avoid these ones and Cupid might just aim his bow at you next.

Hit, miss

Do you have a clear idea about the kind of guy you want to settle down and live the rest of your life with? Dr Gitanjali Sharma, Delhi-based family and marriage counsellor of DGS Counselling Solutions, suggests you give this some thought. “Write down 10 traits you want in a man and highlight the five that you are non-negotiable and you are not willing to compromise on,” says Sharma. This will help you identify the points that may be too exacting. For instance, if money or good looks or social savviness is high on your priority list, you need to think whether you should replace them with empathy, kindness, a caring nature or sensitivity. In other words, traits may hold you in better stead in the long run. “If you have impossible expectations, it will be evident in your body language and amply clear to the man you are dating that he does not quite match up,” says relationship mentor, Dr Kamal Khurana.

Where’s Waldo?

Urban singles are increasingly looking to the internet for love. Sadly, however, only a few of the men you meet online are there for a life partner. “If you are single, shy and looking for love, a dating app can be a great way to meet men and break the ice,” says Kavita N, a 30-year-old freelance writer. “Unfortunately, I discovered that most of the men I was meeting were just interested in casual sex or out for some fun on the sly to allay the boredom of their marital lives.”

So, think twice when you swipe right and don’t get taken in by a profile. If you are convinced that your online date seems like the real thing, fix a date with him. “Don’t delay it. If he’s in the same city, meet him within a week or two,” says Dr Khurana.

Settling seems better

Sometimes desperation can push you into the arms of someone you might otherwise have no interest in. After all, it’s better than being single, right? “Well, actually it’s not,” says Dr Sharma. “When you ignore your own misgivings about a man and, perhaps, even warnings from friends and family, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Go back to your checklist of must-have qualities in a man and if you find that your date does not match up, it is unlikely that this will ever mature into a successful long-term relationship.”

Also, some people in the dating game may not be ready for a long-term relationship. That’s okay, as long as you’re both honest about what you want.

Mirror, mirror

Before jumping back in the dating pool, see if there are self-destructive patterns you’ve subconsciously fallen into. Run through all the breakup speeches of your past. Is there a common thread there? Ask a friend to help you with this to see if there could be something to your ex’s criticism. Dr Sharma says, “Remember, when you are dating a guy, you are also under scrutiny. So, if you fiddle with your phone when you are out together or insist that the conversation revolve only around yourself or behave badly with the server, he is not going to be impressed.”

‘I do’ or ‘do I’?

Contrary to what popular perception may have you believe, it’s not always the men who are commitment-phobic. In the Indian scenario, it’s often the woman who needs convincing to go forward in a relationship. “Women often start getting cold feet when a man gets serious. This is especially true in the Indian context where the girl has to think about considerations like moving into the man’s home, convincing her parents, and dealing with issues of caste and community,” says Dr Khurana. Ask yourself if you are ready to make a commitment. It’s completely okay not to want to be committed, but, in that case, you need to admit it before you drive yourself nuts wondering why your relationships never make it to stage two. And perhaps, date guys who are on the same page as you are.