So. The World Wrestling Champion is in a kickoff match in a PPV. I literally cannot think of one other time when this has happened. This really is a signal of how fundamentally the Warrior’s Championship run did not work out the way WWE / Vince McMahon intended.

On the other hand, skipping ahead to the final match tells me that the Warrior is in that one as well. So… yeah. That kind of steps all over my original point. This is awkward.

Early on in the match, the Ultimate Warrior ducks under a clothesline that Ax did not throw. I will always provide a gif of the Warrior fucking up in the ring, because he’s a terrible, terrible wrestler.

The script says I duck, so you better believe I’m going to goddamn duck

Let’s be clear about why I pick on the Warrior so much, and what I mean about him being a terrible wrestler. It’s not that he has a limited arsenal of moves (although he does), it’s not that his matches are the same matches every time (they are) and it’s not that he doesn’t know how to sell a move (he doesn’t). I mean that technically, he is a terrible wrestler. He does not understand how to do pull off the moves, his timing is horrible and he is always out of synch with the other guy in the ring. More than any other wrestler in history, he makes wrestling look fake.

Anyway, he pins Ax.

Hawk comes in for a long run after that. As he’s about to pin Smash, the rest of Demolition jumps in and Animal comes in as well. They mix it up for too long and the ref disqualifies them both. It’s now just Mr. Perfect vs. Ultimate Warrior and Texas Tornado

Ohhhhhh what a rush- shit, I’m disqualified?

Perfect goes against the Tornado and after some good back and forth ends up pinning him clean with the Perfect Plex. Now it’s just Warrior and Perfect.

Perfect takes early control, but limits himself to punches and kicks, keeping the match at the Warriors skill level. Eventually, for no reason, the Warrior comes to life, throws two shoulder blocks and pins Perfect, just like he always does

Just so I’m clear, we hate it when a wrestler always wins with the exact same moves, right?

Overall: A really shitty match and a pretty crummy kickoff to the Survivor Series

The goddamn Undertaker. The Undertaker! The match starts and UNDERTAKER!

!!!

Koko B Ware and so long because the Undertaker.

!!!!

Then some non-Undertaker stuff happens and Honky Tonk is eliminated and then Neidhart.

Honestly, who gives a shit

Eventually, more Undertaker!! Dusty Rhodes! So long loser!

!!!

Sadly, more non-Undertaker wrestling. He chases Dusty Rhodes to the dressing room and gets counted out. So there is now no more Undertaker in this match, so… why am I even here? I mean, Hart manages to eliminate Greg Valentine and it’s awesome. And sure, he has a great finishing match against Dibiase. And I guess it’s kind of cool how Dibiase manages to squeeze out a legitimate win.

I’m immediately biased against this match because it stars the Warlord. The very same Warlord that beat my favorite wrestler, Tito Santana at the last PPV. On the other hand, it also has the Rockers, with my very favorite wrestler Marty Jannetty

As I write this, it’s about 3 months after Snuka was arrested for the murder of his girlfriend.

How unexpected

As he enters the ring, Gorilla calls him the Phenom. I wonder how many wrestlers he tried that title on before it stuck with the undertaker.

Jannetty starts this match against the Warlord and is awesome. He’s just so quick and high energy that’s it’s hard not to be entertained. Really, there’s just a ton of talent in this match.

For example whatever this move is

This era is notable for the WWE’s attempt to turn Rowdy Roddy Piper into a commentator. It feels like it should work, he was one of the more gifted guys on the mic. Sadly, he couldn’t convert the talent. He is simply horrible, horrible commentator. Most of it is:

“YEESSS! GO SHAWN MICHAELS! WOO! THIS GUY IS AWESOME! YES! GET HIM!”

As I’m typing, Jannetty goes for a flying cross body against the Warlord who catches him and coverts it to a power slam. Jannetty is eliminated. Some more action and then Warlord throws Shawn Michaels 32 feet into the air

Wheee!

There’s some less exciting back and forth after that, and the Model gets a cheap pin on Snuka. It’s now 4 to 2 for the heels.

The lopsided beating continues, eventually culminating in Power and Glory hitting their finisher, the “Power Plex”. It’s actually pretty cool, Hercules suplexes Michaels off the top rope and just as they hit the mat, Roma nails the splash off the top rope.

This. They do this

Now it’s just Jake left and I have to tell you, I don’t like his chances. He manages to hit Warlord with the DDT, but the refs back was turned. He chases Martel out of the ring with his snake and gets counted out. The Visionaries win the match

Big Boss man has made so many heel / face turns you’d think he was a runway model. A fat, racist runway model.

The match starts off with Hacksuck and I refuse to recap anything else while he is in the ring. God, I hate him so much.

Hacksuck finally tags out and the match starts with Big Boss Man vs. Haku. Haku is eliminated in no time flat as Big Boss man hits the side suplex. Then the Barbarian comes in.

At this point in the WWE, they had the Warlord, the Barbarian, Hawk, Animal, Smash, Crush and Ax. They really wanted to explore every possible facet of the “crazy, brawling, face painted, lunatic” didn’t they?

Hacksuck comes in and he’s awful. Jimmy Hart interferes so Hacksuck goes for the 2×4 and is disqualified. Jesus fucking Christ. How many matches end with that stupid, stupid asshole getting disqualified? Hold on, I’m going to go check the records:

Well isn’t that interesting. As it turns out, going for the 2×4 is literally Hacksucks best chance to win a match. He has literally no clean wins under his belt. Like not one legitimate pin in 10 PPV’s. He. Is. The. Worst.

Hogan comes out to wrestle Earthquake. We just saw this exact same match at SummerSlam, so there’s not a ton of excitement to this. Bravo tags in and Hogan hits him with the small package for the pin.

Okay, this was actually unexpected

Next, Big Boss Man take on Earthquake. Boss Man goes to the top rope and hits Earthquake with a flying body press that… Earthquake catches. That’s actually really goddamn impressive. He caught like 280 pounds in the air. After that he just takes Big Boss Man apart and gets the pin. We’re down to Hogan / Tugboat against Earthquake / Barbarian.

Tugboat has literally not stepped foot in the ring at this point.

Hogan comes back out to take on Earthquake and keeps going for the body slam. It’s a mistake and he collapses under the weight of all that ham.

He makes a dramatic tag to tugboat who finally squares off against Earthquake…. for all of like 11 seconds. They get dragged outside the ring and everyone gets counted out.

Weird, it’s almost like carrying 380 extra pounds of fat doesn’t add to your agility to climb in and out of the ring

So now it’s just Hogan and Barbarian and I’m going to finish the recap here. You know what happens, Hulk will hulk the fuck out and get the pin.

The only reason I am going to bother watching or recapping this match at all is on the off chance Tito Santana hits someone with the sweet sweet flying forearm

You got it buddy!

Wow, right off the bat, Tito eliminates Boris Zhukov. And in like the next 30 seconds, one of the Bushwhackers eliminates one of the Orient Express. Man, the only thing that would make this match better is Tito hitting another sweet, sweet flying forearm

No problem!

Now it’s just Slaughter vs. everyone. I’m going to guess this match ends pretty quickly. I wonder if the previous matches ran long and they told the gang to speed this one up?

As Slaughter gets the upper hand, the crowd starts chanting “USA! USA!”. Good job crowd! That chant will really get the Mexican, the 2 Australians and the Russian fired up!

Some really uneventful wrestling follows, none of which involves Tito Santana, so I don’t care. In a very surprising turn of events, Slaughter ends up eliminating both Volkoff and the Bushwhackers, making a match of this. What the hell is this, why isn’t this match over?

Wait, when did Slaughter face Hogan in Wrestlemania?

Oh, there you go, it was Wrestlemania VII, the next one coming up. So this entire match is to show how dominant and unstoppable Slaughter is so the match against Hogan isn’t a total joke.

Tito Santana nails a third flying forearm and is about to win, but some interference gives Tito the win by DQ.

Overall: This match had three Tito Flying Forearms. It is unquestionably the greatest match in all of WWE history.

6. The Face Team (Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, and Tito Santana) vs The Heel Team (Ted DiBiase, Rick Martel, The Warlord, and Power and Glory)

I guess the way this worked is that the previous survivors fight in this final match. But it only applies to the previous 3 matches, not the previous 5. I’m… really confused, but whatever.

Before the match starts, they cut to Mean Gene standing in front of a giant egg. The egg hatches and this pops out

I disprove the existence of God

The turkey-monster grabs Mean Gene to the middle of the ring to dance while “Turkey in the straw” plays over the loudspeaker.

What the hell is even happening?

The antics go on for like 10 minutes. Okay, they obviously needed to give everyone some more time to prep in the dressing room.

The match starts and before you can blink, Tito hits the Warlord with the sweet, sweet Flying Forearm and gets the pin.

Holy shit!

The audience barely has time to react, it happened so fast. Dibiase comes in and gets another quick elimination on Tito. This match is unrolling at a clip.

Hogan gets the sand pounded out of him for awhile, until Power and Glory hit the Power Plex. Hogan kicks out and pins Roma. Hogan and Warrior take turns beating on the Model, who eventually leaves the match and runs back to the dressing room. It’s now Hogan / Warrior against Dibiase and Hercules.

Hogan faces off against Dibiase and just demolishes him. He pins him clean and then it’s time for Warrior to jump in and take out Hercules. Just like that, the match is over.