Tag Archives: relationships

Never thought that we would ever be more than friends, now I’m all confused, cause for you, I have deeper feelings…

This is where it starts.

One morning you wake up and everything seems to be completely normal. Sun’s out shining, the birds are chirping, but you’re completely bored. Don’t mistake it, there are SO many things that you could be doing. The adult life presents nothing less than 1 billion choices and responsibilities (nap time, am I right?).

You spend time with people innocuously, you share a little bit of yourself and get to know someone. You enjoy spending time with them and doing mundane things together and somewhere the creep sets in. Initially, (if you’re me), you fight it. Technically, I’m not interested in girls anymore. I’m all about that single life! No more thinking about any of that stuff. It’s been a good run so far, but I’m only like 8 months into the mission. I’m seriously shortchanging the rest of my life, guys. Something is wrong with my math, or my head (either is a viable choice, actually). You convince yourself that there is no reason to be concerned, you’re steady in your choices and that’s simply going to be that!

For a little while, you’re actually ok like this. You get about a month or so under your belt and you don’t have any outbursts or any feelings or anything. Maybe you’ve beaten this thing! You, have figured out a way to keep yourself on the outside of things and you’re flying high. You’re also quite ridiculous and running on the fumes of pride, you silly, silly fool. So unassuming. So recklessly hopeful. hehe.

One day, you reach that tipping point… One hangout too many. One interaction that throws everything off. Some interesting insight, some drawn out conversation. Something pushes you back over the edge and makes you sit up and take renewed notice. Next thing you know, you’re chillin’ on a Saturday, wishing that you were in this person’s company and holding off from any extraneous communication, for sanity’s sake. Even better yet, you want to hang out with them during the week, or whenever you’re not in the middle of a meeting or gathering of any sort. Interesting, no?

In the back of your head, however, there is something exciting about the idea of being excited about someone. It’s been a minute since that was a thing for you and finally, it’s just more of a happy situation than anything else. It’s like a breath of fresh air and honestly, it gives you the desire to be open and let something happen, which was completely off the table after the last year that you had. So, what happens? Do you play it cool and let something happen, do you make a move and push forward, or do you just keep that little joy to yourself, in hopes that when another situation presents itself, you’re fully ready to go all the way in on it?

Like our friend Usher Raymond said: “Situations… Will arise. In our lives, but you gotta be smart about it”.

Back in the day, I got this delightful idea. I figured that since I was a black kid, living in a white and asian college town (and because I was scared of the barbers there) I would stop getting my hair cut. At first it was just like this cool way for me to rebel against the system (gotta pick my fights better, I know). It made me feel alright though. As the months passed by, they turned into a year and then more. In all of my curly locked glory, I made a silly mistake. As a result of my hair being so long, I got really lazy. After a while, It hurt a lot to comb my hair, so I would just stuff it all in a du-rag, and I’d call it a day. I was a little annoyed with my hair. I thought that it was too hot in the spring, and too much work during the winter.

It was kind of a nuisance, until I went home for thanksgiving one year. Instead of getting something done with that monstrosity on my head, I decided that it would be ok for me to just du-rag it up. (damn, I was not the smartest back in the day…) My mom was not the happiest person about me showing up to thanksgiving dinner with a du-rag on. The next day, I think I was probably up for all of about 5 minutes, when she declared that I should leave the house and not come back until I cut my hair. I wasn’t welcome back until I did something with it. (Actually, she told me that I could get it braided/twisted or cut. I was just too broke though. Hence, I spent that afternoon in a barber’s chair, remember all the good times that I had with my hair.

Sitting at work the other day (in my favorite new spot, mind you) I was remembering my lazy afternoons on the quad back in my college days. It was so glorious. I would probably be chillin’ with someone, or just between meeting up with some people. Even though I’m all “grown” now and liking my life, I wish that I was just back under the trees in the middle of campus.

I was sittin in a coffee shop a few days ago. I know, I know, I do hate all forms of hot liquid, but I like to be social. I was there with a couple of my friends from the new neighborhood. We were chattin’ it up and just randomly struck up a conversation about relationships. We talked about how we were missing things about being in a relationship. The joy of just sitting and holding someone’s hand. Perhaps wishing that you were able to hug someone that you loved. Spending time with that someone who captivates all your thoughts and being fulfilled by spending time with them. Such a romantic notion right? Who doesn’t like intimacy with another person? We’re all built for companionship right (I know, I act like a hermit, but I really do like people… Most times.) Do we miss the actual relationships themselves or do we just miss the idea of being in relationships?

I’m always about moving foward and not stepping back though. Does that mean that it’s unhealthy to think of such things in the context of an ex-significant other? I would suggest not. I mean, I’d rather think about my ex girlfriend, who I knew and cared for, than someone that I just met off the street or something like that. (Although, I realize that sounds quite stalker-like.) I maintain that I have no idea how I got into that house. I wasn’t even there that night… You can prove NOTHING!…

I was just a young college boy. I was more like a nice 3rd year student. I had just joined this nice Christian fellowship and I was getting to know people in the fellowship and I met this girl.

She was awesome. She was funny, she was sassy like (I have a weakness for the sassy I suppose.)

Wait. Not goin’ down like that. This isn’t that kind of entry.

The thing is that, I didn’t say anything about it. For quite a while. As a matter of fact, I thought that I was doing the best thing. If I just kinda let it pass, I would maybe have no problems. I would even just wait and get to know her better. All the while I was thinking too much about how cool she was and how much more I should just hold back on saying anything to her about what I thought. The big problem was that, all this thinking didn’t help anything out. Basically, I just chilled out until I really couldn’t take it anymore. Then I had a nice chat with her, basically spilling all my thoughts and feelings out to her. Nothing happened of course. She didn’t like me in the same way.

No biggie right? Wrong. The problem is that I spent a whole heck of a lot of time building this girl up in my head. So much time in fact, that I had missed out on a couple of good opportunities with some other really awesome girls. Girls who I liked, but who didn’t measure up to Shannon (that was her name). I had the most awkward time trying to get past this person who I spent so much time building up. Unfortunately, that also cost me some future cool stuff too.

So, my friends and I often wonder what makes things so awkward for Christians trying to date. They kinda wonder about what keeps guys from making any moves with people. I won’t be able to answer for every guy, but I’m sure that I’m not the only one who feels like this.

Sometimes, it’s hard to discern whether or not there’s any interest on the girl’s end. The Christian ladies can be so nice sometimes, that it’s confusing. There is always that whole complaint about the fear of rejection. Rejection isn’t nice, but the bigger thing is the possibility of being rejected and losing the chance to be a friend with someone. It’s such a more daunting possibility than getting rejected altogether. We spend all this time getting to know a girl, and hanging out with them, that it just seems like it’d be better to just stay quiet about things than to deal with any awkwardness. So, we end up just hanging, and pining. Until we basically can’t hold back anymore, and then it’s just a martini glass of awkward (shaken, not stirred.)

Pining. That’s the key key word. Pining is like set up for failure in the mind. Can’t spend too much time thinking about things. Thinking = no good. The problem with pining is that you allow yourself to have false hopes about things. You build stuff up in your head that isn’t true. Being infatuated, might be ok, crushes… awesome (actually, that’s debatable.) Pining however, that’s like falling in love with someone without them coming along for the ride. One sided action is a bit scary (especially the results, for the lady folk).

So NO PINING. Thinking too much is bad!

Guys, we can’t keep wasting away like this. Time to stop building up these misleading friendships and just keep it real from the beginning. Asking people out probably isn’t as bad as you might think.

A lot of people that I know are feeling the woes of being single. Falling in love is just one of those things that people have tucked away in the back of their mind, as one of the greatest thrills in life. Actually, more realistic eyes would see it as something that a lot of people are consumed with. It’s all about trying to find that someone who you can spend the rest of your life with.

So.

As hard as it is to find someone and fall in love with them… It seems like it is way too easy for people, these days, for people to betray the happiness that they have with their significant others. I read way too much about someone who just decides to try for a little extra on the side. Someone who isn’t quite happy or feeling satisfied enough in their relationship/marriage, so they decide to get themselves a little action on the side. It’s funny how such deep feelings of attraction and love can be replaced with selfishness and disappointment.

It’s one of those things that we barely blink at. I mean, we live in America. Our country is all about self preservation and self-sufficiency. There’s the overwhelming idea that the things you should be after in life, are those that are going to best serve you. The problem with all this self awareness, self-revelation, and self-edification is that we often have to step on the toes of others to be pleased. Lately, a lot of what I have seen shows me that people are getting quite good at being alright with having to destroy some eggs to get their omelette on… It’s to the point where people just don’t even consider how their actions will affect someone else. The biggest excuse that comes across is: “I didn’t think about that.” or “I thought you would get over it, and it wouldn’t be that bad”.

For some of us, I guess, it’s really easy to just find people who are attracted to us. We let that get to us and it leads us to act in certain ways. For some of us, it’s a little harder, but we have such crazy standards that we don’t ever get quite satisfied with what it is that we have.

This whole G dep attitude that people have (Now, let’s get it!) needs to be checked and nipped in the bud. Gotta get past the idea that things are revolving around us. I know I feign being all cocky and whatnot, but the truth is, I have an idea of how to put others before myself when I think about doing things. It’s kinda like a lost art isn’t it? Caring for people genuinely, not just wondering what the relationship will mean for you, or what you can get out of things.

Then again. I’ve only had one girlfriend, and that didn’t go so well. So who am I to speak about anything…

I always thought that marriage was this crazy wonderful time in life that would change your heart forever…The idea of wedding rings always symbolized an undying love and a union that will last forever, no matter what came up. I always thought that the devotion of two people could inspire others who witnessed. There is something special about being able to say that you have found that someone who makes you think that life is worth living. Hearing stories of such love always made me want to try it someday.

A lot of people get married with selfish intentions. The idea is: “now I’ll have that special someone who will love me no matter what. I’ll be able to get away with things that I have never been able to get away with, because this person loves me.” Some of the saddest stuff is the mentality that marriage will be a vehicle for change. There are some many people who look at marriage like it’s this great threshold, through which all annoying tendencies and immature ideas/thoughts will be whisked away (like Dorothy after clicking her heels together). That’s the most disappointing thing that I notice in people. Marriage will do nothing to eliminate things that you didn’t like before it occurs. People might not expect their partner to change, perhaps there’s something that they think will change about themselves. Something about that just screams ridiculous to me, but what do I know about being married right? Technically, I can’t even get a date… (ooh, burn.. blah, blah)

I know that “love” is just not enough to make a marriage survive. There’s a delightful verse in the Bible that lists what love is and what love isn’t. 1st corinthians 13:4-8 talks about the things that love is, and what love isn’t. Love isn’t defined through a bunch of foofy feelings only! The feelings can be valid. What is at the core of the verse though, is that love requires work! Two lazy people in a relationship are bound to have a marriage with holes in it. It just lends itself to problems. “Love” isn’t what’s going to get you through those rough patches. It is usually during those times that most people wonder what they saw in their significant other in the first place. I’m pretty sure that lots of divorces occur in this country because someone has felt that they were so neglected that they couldn’t bear to go on the way they were living. Something wasn’t working for them anymore. I’m not saying that there are no good reasons for getting divorced, I’m just saying that a lot of the time, it appears that the problems people have when married were there before they got married. The couple in question, just usually has some kind of “love” blinders on before they get married. They don’t see the possibility of disaster, it’s all about the fact that they’ve found someone that they are so in “love” with, that they can’t bear to be without them.

Marriage is comprised of copious amounts of the same thing all other relationships are comprised of…. WORK. Yup. work. Marriage is not for the faint of heart. It’s not something that you should go into treading lightly. Love is what can make that work feel less like work. Love is like the chaser that you down after you have a tequila shot. You like the tequila, but it just goes down really harsh without that chaser. The idea is that you sacrifice for the person that you love. Sacrifice usually requires you stepping outside of yourself and making strides for another person. It is hard for me to hear about you loving someone, when you are only looking for how that person makes you feel, or focused on what that person does/doesn’t do for you. That’s almost like asking for a big cup of fail to be poured for you and placed in front of you at your dinner table.

People supposedly fall out of love all the time. I don’t know if I can believe that. This quote straight from the Bible… “Love never Fails”. Which would mean to me, that this “love” that I hear about when people are fighting/teetering on the brink of relationship destruction, isn’t really love at all. It’s just a very strong feeling towards someone. Definitely not enough to make a relationship on, and (as is usually proven) not nearly enough at all to base a marriage on.

Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly genial, I’ll have a conversation or two. Now, you might be asking yourself: “Why is having a conversation big news?”. You, my friend, need to have your thought pattern looked at. What you should be thinking is: “Why did I not engage in conversation with him!?” Cause I got glorious conversational skills. Been workin’ on them since I was 8, yo! It’s been a constant battle for me. I was always the shyest kid in the class. This crippling shyness follows me around to this day, however I’ve been trained by the best! I can now hide my shyness better than that dieter that you know, hides their candy stash (shame on you, you cheater… yes I know about you and that stash.)

Sorry, I get easily sidetracked. Tangents, to me, are like great shiny things. I can’t help but drop everything that I was doing previously, to investigate… (most likely another reason that conversations for me, are few and far between for me)

The point of this was that I have interesting conversations sometimes. I have noticed an interesting trend. For some unknown reason, there is much lamenting from members of both sexes, over their friendship selection. I hear lots of my female friends & acquaintances talk about how much they dislike other females. There is always some level of drama going down, and the reason for this is two females, butting heads. I hear about how it’s so hard for a girl to get along with other girls, because girls get all catty. When I ask who they befriend, the answer is… GUYS! It’s so much easier, they say. Guys produce ¼ the drama that girls do. Guys won’t worry about reading too deeply into things. Guys don’t care if you don’t always call. Then, I talk to the men folk and hear the same thing. It’s too awkward to talk to other men. . “I (as a strapping, young, heterosexual male) have nothing in common with them (other strapping, young, heterosexual men).” It’s much easier to deal with girls. Girls are actually able to talk about their feelings. Apparently, it makes men feel validated when a girl wants to listen to their whining.

The flip side of those conversations is, of course: “I can’t find a <insert member of the opposite sex, appropriate to your gender> to date! Where are all the good boys/girls?

Could it possibly be that we are not finding potential significant others, because we are too busy collecting members of the opposite sex as friends? I might suggest that we’re getting to know people really well, but dismissing some possibility of romantic style interaction. It would even seem that people are using these friends of the opposite sex as a replacement for relationships. I mean think about it. If you were able to get all the things that you could get from a boyfriend/girlfriend without the commitment and responsibility of a relationship, wouldn’t you jump at it? It’s much less risky to open yourself to someone when you feel safe, with no real chance of being hurt. It’s similar to being friends with benefits. The only (obvious) difference, is that the benefits in this case aren’t sexual in nature. There are issues of false intimacy and unhealthy closeness that can come up though.

I am guilty of being of the mindset that had me seeking out companionship from women. I thought that it was just because I was constantly around my mother and sister while I was growing up. Since I was surrounded with the ladies, I was just more comfortable with them. I never thought of the consequences that would’ve come from me pursuing friendships with girls unhealthily. I’m not saying that men and women can’t be friends in a healthy way, I’m just suggesting that perhaps there are ways that people go about it, which are not quite healthy.

After you’ve reached a certain age, you’re looking for some full level companionship. Getting settled down and married become a bigger priority later on in life (post-college style). Falling for the idea that you can just have close friendships with members of the opposite sex, might blind you to the importance of participating in a healthy romantic relationships. There are always dangers in taking shortcuts in life. Substitutions almost always lead to someone having hurt feelings/making excuses about things. In the long run, it would also seem that the more friendly people get with each other, the less likely they are able to date.

I’ll take my fellowship for example. At the UC Davis chapter of Intervarsity, we were great at having boy/girl friends. This fact overshadowed the fact that no one was dating each other. There were less than 3 couples that were produced through the fellowship. I would surmise, it was because once you’ve established a friendship dynamic, it’s hard to see people past that capacity. There are frequently cases where best friends become daters, but it didn’t seem to take hold in the city of Davis.

It would seem that just like any other relationship, we are in definite need of evaluating our desires/needs and making sure that we’re not overcompensating for anything. Perhaps a good idea is making intentional friendships. Making a friendship with someone, knowing that you might want to date them.

Having too many friends of the opposite sex can be potentially deadly… To your romantic endeavors. I’m just sayin…

Blindly, I stumbled into a conversation with a couple of friends last week. we got onto the topic of dating. (I know, I know. You don’t want to read another blog entry about dating, you’ve already read all that you could read about dating… to that I say, shut your pie hole and hear me out dammit!)

There is an old adage about how a woman deserves to be treated like a queen. I’m pretty sure that this idea was put out there with the greatest of intentions. I think over the years, some things have been distorted/perverted. There has been a public infection amongst the men of the world. This infection is called selfishness. We are quite concerned about what’s in something for us. We are afraid of doing something because of what it could mean. As my favorite radio personality, Dr. Laura would say: we want the goods, but don’t want the commitment. Back in the day, a man was willing to wait and was expected to make some sacrifice to show himself worthy of a woman’s time. These days, the men folk are seemingly expecting it to be so easy to win over a woman, they barely even try anymore. If I hear one more guy yelling out: “hey shawty!” or whistling at some girl to get their attention, I might just end it all right there on the spot.

What ever happened to the days where a guy would actually woo a young lady? Is it so wrong to make a woman feel so special that she cherishes the time that you spend with her? Is there something wrong with treating a young woman the way that someone special to us would want to be treated? It isn’t a crime to give a woman the idea that you are willing to work for her company. Being desired is something that makes people feel good. I would agree that there is a distinct line between showing that there is interest and being a creep. Lately, I’m just seeing jerks running around trying to “get it in” instead of really valuing the time and opinion of a woman. This would include asking a woman out on a date, instead of waiting for her to make the first move. I know that it might seem nice to have that happen, but it really just makes her the aggressor, which isn’t always a great thing. Men, we’re supposed to do the wooing…

On the flip side of that, I can see that many guys have the pain of big rejection stamped across their foreheads. It’s not an easy thing to continue to walk into the storm, looking for something and being turned away. Some people might think: “It’s only a no” but at the same time, the reason that men seem to be the ones who are supposed to put themselves out there is because most women refuse to do it. They refuse to make themselves look foolish, but they have no sympathy or feelings for men when we decide to do it and they aren’t interested. There are many better ways to deal with how to say no ladies. Have a little more feeling why don’t you? It’s not very easy to continually get up the courage and whatnot just to be bitterly rejected.

My other gripe with the lady folk. Do not just sit and expect some man to want to win you over just on the virtue that you may or may not be awesome. Yes, we know that you are attractive, but that’s not enough to carry you over the hill. You need to be willing to give a guy a reason to want to pursue you. I can’t guarantee that even the best guy will stick with it, if you aren’t displaying reasons why he should be interested. I know it’s a cliché, but beauty really is fleeting. You might be the most beautiful woman ever, but with a horrible attitude/disposition, it’s not worth dealing with. A real man should want someone that they can stand with side by side. They don’t want someone that they’re going to have to take care of. Also, be willing to reciprocate! Men aren’t the only ones who should be working to keep any passion alive in a relationship. Ladies, you should be bringing it too! Don’t rely on the man to be doing all the work. That’s how we get bored and decide that something isn’t really worth the effort anymore.

It isn’t too much to ask to be the type of person that someone else would want to date is it? I think that is the basic rule of things. Instead of wasting your time trying to pick out the different criteria from which you pick a dating partner, focus on the things that you can do to be a great contributor to a relationship. I can guarantee that making yourself into a desirable person is much easier than trying to change the people around you. That could be perfectly impossible.

Things were much better when people were actually concerned about how they presented themselves to others, instead of just being selfish.