Utterly lifeless and dull.

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September 22, 2005

I usually don't like to get ahead of myself on such things, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and say Daltry Calhoun will remain my least favorite movie of 2005. Excruciating to sit through, this is one of those movies that is so bad that it's… bad. Which is to say, it doesn't even provide the campy, silly fun that some bad movies contain in spite of themselves.

Johnny Knoxville plays the title character, a Southern loser who has knocked up his high school sweetheart May (Elizabeth Banks). Kicked out and told to never come back by May's family, Daltry ends up finding huge success as the years go on with his grass company – "the legal kind" of grass, as he says in his commercial. Fourteen years pass, until the day May shows up with their now teenage daughter June (Sophie Traub), telling Daltry it's time he step up to his responsibilities as a father. Soon June and May move in with Daltry at his mansion, as he tries to keep secret the fact that he is on the verge of bankruptcy, all while learning to be a father for the first time. Meanwhile, musical prodigy June readies herself for her audition to Julliard, while befriending Daltry's gardener Doyle (David Koechner) and developing a crush on Frankie (Kick Gurry), an Australian sod expert Daltry has hired to help fix his grass.

From start to finish, Daltry Calhoun leaves no cliché or corny plot point unturned. For instance, we discover early on that May is dying. What of? Well, writer/director Katrina Holden Bronson doesn't bother to identify it, so just call it Beautiful Young Woman Movie Disease, the tragic illness that Charlize Theron, Winona Ryder and Mandy Moore have all had to deal with in previous roles. Daughter June is the pretty blond girl in pigtails who wears thick glasses to make her seem dorky and eccentric. Far worse is the fact that June also spends much of the movie pulling her trusty harmonica out of her overalls and playing a little tune whenever Bronson wants to create a nice, false, folksy feeling. By the time June played for oh, the 8th time maybe, the feeling I had was to climb on screen and throw that freaking harmonica as far as I could.

But that's not all. No, because Doyle is the vaguely mentally challenged character who talks about how everyone used to tease him until Daltry befriended him and gave him a job. But when June discovers Doyle can't read, leave it to our plucky young heroine to make it her mission to bring the gift of reading to her gentle giant of a friend. And I haven't even touched upon Juliette Lewis' character Flora, who is first presented as a silly, sex-crazed local, and suddenly transforms into a wise, soulful shoulder to lean on. When we meet her, she's throwing herself at Daltry, who is resisting her attempts at seduction, even when she strips down to her underwear right in front of him. Why does he turn her down at this point? Well no good reason is given for the character, but it's the kind of movie where you just realize Bronson wanted conflict to keep the characters apart at first, even if it's unmotivated.

Daltry Calhoun is awful in every way. The script is terrible, with unrealistic, barely defined characters saying trite, laughably bad lines. The characters constantly have huge, unexplained shifts in emotion, such as when June is suddenly absolutely furious with Flora. Yet there is no reason for June to act like this, unless she knew about an event that we definitely never saw her discover. And Bronson's direction is no better; I realize the movie was made on a low budget, but her lack of artistry is astounding, with several scenes featuring clumsy static shots that hold on a single character for far too long. The movie feels utterly amateurish and sloppy, and the continuity is constantly atrocious, with characters clearly moving between shots many times throughout the film. Normally I might think this was the editor's fault, but in this case, the editor, Daniel R. Padgett, has several notable professional credits. This is Bronson's first feature film though, and considering how inept every other aspect of the film is, I'm thinking Padgett did the best with the material he was given.

Juliette Lewis and Johnny Knoxville in Daltry Calhoun

The acting is also terrible for the most part. But considering the actors were given such horrible material, one can hardly blame them. Knoxville likely took the role because it gave him the chance to show a more dramatic and adult side, playing a businessman and father, but he looks uncomfortable most of the time. Banks, so likable and funny in films like The 40-Year-Old Virgin and Wet Hot American Summer, likewise seems lost and unsure how to play her barely defined character. And I pity poor David Koechner, whose rising career as a go to comedic actor in films like Anchorman and the upcoming Waiting hits a bad detour here, playing the thankless role of the autistic yet wise illiterate gardener with a heart of gold. Newcomer Traub comes off best, showing a bit of natural charm that is especially impressive considering the movie she is in.

Quentin Tarantino is the executive producer, but don't let his name lure you in: This is the complete opposite of Tarantino's exciting, engaging films. Daltry Calhoun is utterly lifeless and dull and quite simply hard to sit through. At the screening I attended, there was a large audible groan from the audience when the film seemed to be over, only to have a "one year later" epilogue card appear. Everyone at the screening agreed: The movie simply couldn't end quickly enough.