No, they really don’t. In fact, I’ve always had the firm belief that the number of friends you have on your horribly designed profile that you created using your own faeces and some instructional site your half-retarded 13-year-old cousin told you about is inversely proportional to how witty and exciting you are.

I intentionally keep my lists down to a bare minimum. It’s a theory I’ve had about people and societies, which I will explain later. I don’t add hambeasts, who have more friends than they can count to, that clearly don’t know anyone on their own lists more than the potted cactus they keep on their desk (which conveniently has a better personality than them too). I constantly get requests from people I’ve never met; it seems that they think that just because they went to the same school as me, or attended a bag-making convention, they should have the privilege of being my “virtual friend”. Don’t associate yourself with me — you are most definitely a crap.

Let me try and explain it with more clarity. If you have a vast number of people on your list, this does not reflect your popularity. If you have more than 100 friends on your social faggotry site, do yourself a favour and pierce your skull with a bullet. Please. If you’re trying to promote something, DO IT THE PROPER WAY AND PURCHASE A WEB SOLUTION. Everyone hates people like you, because you’re stupid. You only add imaginary friends to your shitty sites that no-one cares about so you can feel better about yourself due to the failures you constantly experience in your real-life. It’s a mental condition.

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The red does not represent blood. It represents the pestilence these people put upon everyone.

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Now, you might be wondering about my number theory. I call it Xarcosian Prime Theory Alpha. It states: the more people there are in a society, the stupider that society is. If you’re at least mildly intelligent, take a look around you. The post-1950s ‘baby boomer’ generation (which makes me vomit in my mouth a little every time I have to call it that) effectively destroyed more human intelligence than ever before in history (well, not counting the dark ages) by producing so many stupid people. Thanks for wrecking my species you horny assholes. You bred stupid people and now the smart people are in constant agony because their non-stupidness isn’t recognised, all due to the wonders of democracy and the fallacy that quantity is greater than quality.

However, you want some proof. Luckily, this proof is extremely easy to obtain. Look at the United States. While not necessarily a bad country, it is certainly one of the dumbest; the US is so stupid they have more people starving than Australia’s entire population, which tipped the scales of ‘fattest country on earth’ — technically, Australia is the fattest country now, but that’s only because it doesn’t have millions of people in fucking poverty. They’re so stupid they don’t even have socialised healthcare. Some schools even teach creationism, which is probably the most hilariously stupid thing I’ve ever heard. They have child rapist camps (I’m going to call them that) which forcefully marry 13-year-old girls to bald 71-year-old flaccid men. Their government creates illegal wars, and, worst of all, they have Oprah Winfrey.

I could go on, but I’ll stop there because I think you get the point. What does this mean though? Think. The population of the US is something like 300 million. That is a lot of people, and according to my theory, this makes the US very stupid. There are many other countries that, likewise, are very stupid, but I’ll let you figure them out for yourself.

On the other hand, this means countries with small amounts of people are very smart. This is correct. Contrasting the US, Sweden, for example, has only about nine million people, and they’re more than likely the epitome of what hundreds of thousands of years of human development should actually be capable of. Israel, too, only has about seven million, and are the technological pioneers of the world. Although Israel also likes killing a lot of people while at the same time giving tonnes of cash to poor countries so they can build weapons, at least they actually produce something instead of just being obese. Disregarding the political issues about Israel (because they are ad hominem infinitum), without them we probably wouldn’t have mobile phones, CPUs that aren’t completely worthless, or any developments in nanotechnology.

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Xarcosian Prime Theory Alpha at work.

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My knowledge and theories are infallible. When you’re at the pinnacle of ethics and logic you often have to feign stupidity in order to allow other, simpler people, to understand what you mean.

That’s the noise of boredom hammering away at my skull with a stone club. It’s like a spectral gorilla sent from purgatory to punish me for writing about my huge wang how to correct the flaws of my species. To attempt to alleviate this, I decided to troll the World of Warcraft boards for a few minutes, because I know that it usually harbours the most unintelligent of people. Maybe I don’t support being competitive when it comes to flogging people savagely with my tendrils of wit, but there’s something fulfilling about mocking stupid people; it gives a small reaffirming realisation of how awesome you are.

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Kirk is well aware of this sentiment.

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Because I haven’t played for a quite a while, I recently bought a month of gameplay time, on the basis that I may need some additional entertainment on my holidays. Unfortunately, I was completely wrong. Since posting privileges are part of the fee, I decided to make the most out of it — cause an obese 15-year-old to rage on a forum.

After a brief scan, I found a suitable topic, which was about people who were so much better than everyone else. This should be a goldmine. I promptly fired a small load with no compunction.

I kinda like being better than everyone else though. Still managing to kill Nefarian before everyone while killing everyone in PvP and generally being awesome. Having two gladiators and a duelist while killing Illidan before everyone again.

The fact that I haven’t even played for 5 months only to buy a month a few days ago to see that my gear is still better than almost everyone else’s is good too. It’s comforting to know that my awesome skills at this manifestation of vast compiled C++ code allow me to spend such little time for such grand returns compared with the other, inferior members of my species, who pathetically struggle to achieve anything even with such large time commitments, and barely sate their needs for entertainment. It reflects your abilities in real life. Bads.

Unfortunately, most the replies actually supported me, instead of piss people off. It’s hard trolling when you’re as modest as me, I guess.

If there’s one thing this game told me about commanding large amounts of people, it’s that they’re really worthless at the most menial of tasks and can’t think or react for themselves. It amazes me that so many people live for so long without killing themselves from accidentally setting their own genitals on fire.

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This is what my reaction would be to a typical WoW player; surprised that they’re intelligent enough to know how to breath.

Probably one of the dumbest people I know who can spell, Luxyy proves that even with two degrees you can still be a completely retarded douche. The reason I don’t cut him off from communicating to me all together is because 1% of the time he’ll say something mildly amusing. Now, you may think my standards are low, but I assure you, the reason for this is a more akin to having a monkey in a pink dress imprisoned in a cage so that you can make fun of its hygiene as it constantly shits all over itself.

It’s not that everything he says is wrong — no, it’s that he’s so idiotic and textbook in everything he believes; he can’t understand any concept that isn’t canon or verbatim. It’s pathetic. You know why? Because a simple computer is smarter than him.

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Dave, a respected scholar, understands how stupid Luxyy is.

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Sometimes, when explaining immense stupidity, simple words are insufficient. This is one such case. To attempt to put this monster of failed intellect into something other than text, here is a well-drawn, graphic representation of a typical conversation with Luxyy:

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Luxyy, here’s a suggestion: next time you flap your giant, fat-encrusted mouth and fail to argue any conceivable point, try to remove your face from the endless depths of your corpulent ass. That is, if it isn’t permanently stuck there, thanks to you being completely oblivious of an invention known as a ’shaving razor’.