The Pine Valley Bulletin

Welcome to Pine Valley's only online newspaper!

Established 1998

August 2, 1999

Hey! We finally got some relief from the heat! It's been up in the
90's here almost all summer. On Sunday, finally, the temperature dropped
a bit to the low 80's and then, this is the best part, it went down to 59
degrees overnight! It was great! I finally had a decent night sleep and
didn't wake up either freezing from the air conditioning or in a puddle
of sweat. I'm SO ready for fall!

Oy, what a week! Let's get some stuff out of the way before we get
to the bigger stuff. First we have Dixie telling her big news to Opal. Opal
is so thrilled, until Liza opens her mouth and inserts her foot. She starts
talking about high risk pregnancies and all that jazz, which kind of ticks
Opal off, not to mention Dix. Dixie is less than thrilled that Tad spoke
to Liza about her. But when Liza explains how she walked in on him looking
on the internet for information about high risk pregnancies, Dixie calms
down. Opal and Liza both sooth Dixie when she tells them that Tad does not
want the baby. They tell her he's just scared. Just then Tad shows up to
talk to Opal about it all and is worried, for some weird reason, that he's
turning into Ray. Opal helps Tad see the baby as good news and to have faith
that everything will turn out right...which right there spells disaster
to me. See, Tad is right on the brink of being happy and accepting the pregnancy
as a good thing. I'm standing by my prediction that Dixie loses the baby,
and we shall see what happens around 8/16 when Dix is rushed to the hospital.
Sure it could be a false alarm, but this is a soap folks, couples don't
get to live happily ever after, unless of course they leave the show or
get relegated to the perpetual backburner. Here's a question I've been meaning
to pose... if you've been reading my stuff for a long time you know that
I absolute hate the pairing of Janet and Trevor. I got a lot of grief from
a lot of readers for my views on putting them together and I said over and
over that once they get married they will have no story, but no one believed
me. So, all you Janet and Trev lovers...what do you think of their pairing
now? Do you still love it?

At Damien's birthday party, he opens a gift from Raquel's parents.
Raquel is hesitant to tell Assholeo that she's back in contact with them,
so she tells Damien not to say where the gift came from, and she will tell
his father about them when the time is right. Well Assholeo can't seem to
get over the remote control car that Damien is playing with, so Raquel tells
him that her parents sent it and how she has forgiven them. Assholeo is
angry, duh... what other emotion does he have? He tells Raquel she can do
what she wants, but he would never have forgiven them. Now there's a big
shock. Assholeo would never forgive them. Yet, he should be forgiven and
never blamed for anything he does. Oh yes, I see how that works.

Well, just then Damien tells Assholeo that there is a man in his house.
Assholeo bursts in and finds Ryan there with Hayley. Of course, being as
they are fully clothed and standing in the kitchen area, he thinks they
are having sex in his house. So after the tosses Ryan out, he and Hayley
really get into it. He is screaming and ranting like a raving lunatic and
tells Hayley that she's trash, that she's just like Adam and yadda yadda
yadda. He accuses of her of hating his son and all kinds of other crap.
Well, his son can hear every word and Assholeo completely ruins Damien's
birthday party. And just when Damien was about to drive a stake through
the heart of the pinata. Damn, sorry I missed that. Mateo then starts ranting
about how Hayley sabotaged his bank loan. Is he for real?? No, I guess he's
not is he? Anyway, Ryan comes in and whisks Hayley away from the fool and
then we get to see Damien crying on his Raquel's shoulder. Does Assholeo
care? Probably not because the next thing we see is him bursting down Adam's
door.

Assholeo is already angry and confrontational and immediately rips
into Adam for getting his bank loan denied. This guy has got to be the biggest
idiot. When is he going to realize that he has no money! That Hayley is
the one with the big bank account. God forbid he be denied because he's
actually broke! No, it doesn't work that way. Someone had to sabotage him
because it's never his problem! Man, I would love to knock the crap out
of him! As Assholeo is yelling, Liza walks in and once again defends Adam.
What is with her anyway? There she goes, telling Assholeo that Adam thought
he was doing something good! Even though she doesn't realize that they aren't
talking about the custody hearing that Adam fixed, I'm still annoyed that
Liza thinks this is a defendable act! Gee, I wonder how she would feel if
Adam bought off a judge that granted him full custody of her child! We then
see a light go on over Assholeo's head as it all clicks into place and he
rips into Adam again and tells him that he ruined his marriage. Adam counters
by telling him that his own lies ruined his marriage to Hayley. I can't
help but think, what marriage!? But that's not the issue here. Adam tells
Assholeo that Hayley has forgiven him, which is not exactly true. But then
Assholeo gets even more angry because Hayley didn't tell him what Adam did.
Adam tells him that without Hayley's money, he's just like anyone else.
You go Adam! The only thing I would have done differently than Adam is smack
the crap out of him! But since Adam didn't, I will. Assholeo once again
gets this weeks I NEED TO BE SLAPPED award.
Has there ever been anyone more in need of a good slap? Well yes, but not
at the moment.

In the meantime, Hayley is back at Trevor's and talking to Axel on
the phone. Oh Axel, how I love that guy! I'm so glad AMC is still using
him. Trev and Amanda get home from some wedding that Amanda was in. She's
all giddy and talking about romance and asking Hayley questions about her
wedding. She tells them she wants to get married and live happily ever after.
Well she better leave Pine Valley then because no one lives happily ever
after there! Hayley is visibly uncomfortable and Trevor finally tells Amanda
to go change her clothes so she can stop grilling Hayley. Hayley finds her
anger and rips into Trevor and then takes off. Where does she go? Where
else, to Ryan's. Ryan just got out of the shower and answers the door with
no shirt. I don't know if Hayley had lust in her eyes or not, I couldn't
see past my own lust. They talk and hang out and are going to watch some
TV. I had to laugh when Ryan was reading the TV listings and read the synopsis
of a move; "giant earthworm terrorizes a Texas town." That's one
of my favorite stupid movies, Tremors! They should have watched it! I love
that movie. Kevin Bacon, Fred Ward, Michael Gross, Reba McEntire! It's one
of the all time great really bad movies. I highly recommend it! Anyway,
Hayley falls asleep on the couch and they never end up watching anything.

Back at Trevor's, Amanda decides that Trevor and Janet need some romance
and she calls Tim to make a plan. And she makes them a romantic dinner.
Wouldn't ya know, it's the first time in months that Janet has been to work,
so she ends up having to work late. Too bad Amanda didn't think about making
that dinner for them one of the many many days that Janet hung out at the
Glamorama instead of worked.

David's plan to buy off Donald Steele gets underway. He wants all
the stuff that Nessie stole from Erica to use in the tell all book. Nessie
is a bundle of nerves as David hides in the bathroom while she tries to
get all the info from Steele. David even had some hors d'oeuvres brought
in for the meeting between Nessie and Steele. Steele is suddenly putting
the moves on Nessie, when a knock on the door interrupts them. It's Palmer!
Nessie gets hot under the collar and wheels the food cart and Donald into
the closet. Well, it seems PC doubled up on his viagra and he's feeling
very amorous. He is wanting some Nessie lovin before he leaves on his cruise.
Nessie is trying to fend him off and when she's not looking, he takes off
his coat and starts to undo his tie and opens the closet. Donald is standing
their munching on a cheese stick or something but Palmer isn't looking and
doesn't see him. Then, as this weeks SCENE OF THE
WEEK progresses, Nessie turns around, sees PC standing in front of
the open closet and hurls herself into his arms before he can see Donald.
Nessie succeeds in getting rid of PC by saying she's going to miss him too
much and he should just go before she never lets him leave.

Well, here is where it's a little fuzzy for me because our gung ho
ABC affiliate was in the middle of doing a highly unnecessary weather report
and I missed how it came to be that David was out of the bathroom and told
Donald that he ate poisoned hors d'oeuvres. Donald and Nessie are so panicked
they don't know what to do. Donald is taking on every symptom that David
says he will get, and tells Nessie that she will get the blame if he dies.
He covered his bases and he is delicious! David gets this weeks PERFORMER
OF THE WEEK award. He's hilarious and bad. I love this side of David.
He tells Donald that he will give him an antidote that will save his life
if he confesses to everything on tape and tells everything about Nessie's
vendetta against Erica. Donald is ready and willing to do this, but Nessie
won't let him. Time is running out so Donald does it, he confesses to everything
and David gets it all on video. Then he gives the syringe with the antidote
to Nessie and tells her to either save him or kill him. She doesn't know
what to do! The injection will save him, but she can't seem to do it. Time
runs out, and Donald collapses for about 2 seconds. Seems David never poisoned
anything and had Nessie and Donald both completely snowed. Donald is ticked
and David gives one of this weeks LINES OF THE WEEK
when he says, "Admittedly the pate' wasn't imported, but that's only
a crime in Vanessa's circles." But now that he has all the evidence
against both Donald and Nessie on tape, he doesn't have to pay him anything
either. David explains to Donald how selling stolen property (he sold Erica's
pictures to Jerry Reeves) is a crime and he could spend the next 5 years
in prison writing the for the prison advice column. David then gives us
his other LINE OF THE WEEK when he demonstrates
just what the prison advice column would sound like, "Dear Bubba, my
boyfriend doesn't understand me." Too funny!

Well, now to the part I would rather not have to talk about. As Edmund,
Brooke, Gillian, Erica and Jack all rush to Seaview Hospital behind the
ambulance taking Dimitri, no one notices Alex as she arrives there too.
They all lean on each other and talk about how great Dimitri is. Erica tells
Edmund to be strong and they embrace. Then the doctors come out and tell
Edmund that Dimitri is dead. Gasps turn to weeps and Edmund remains unbelieving.
He demands to see his brother and is ushered into the room to see Dimitri,
dead on an examining table. Eddie sits down next to Dim and I'm getting
a feeling that he's going to nuzzle his face in Dimitri's chest hair! It's
a very weird scene. He says his good bye to Dimi and that he loves him.
Honestly, I don't think John Callahan is doing
these scenes justice.

Back out in the hallway, Ed is once again talking to the very strange
doctors who keep winking at each and giving signals. He demands an autopsy,
but this is when Alex makes herself known. She tells them that she will
not allow an autopsy to be performed. When Edmund asks who the heck she
is and how she can make such a demand she tells him that she is Dimitri's
wife. Edmund and Erica immediately do not believe her, but she shows them
the marriage license, which Jack verifies as authentic. Everyone is stunned,
but Alex begins to tell them all what Dimitri has said about them and how
much he loved them all. She tells them what happened on the plane. She tells
them that she is taking the body back to Hungary, but Edmund protests. Edmund
is using his thinking cap and doesn't buy into her story. But, she does
get the final say and heads to the airport with Dimitri's body in a big
silver box marked HEAD.

At the airport, Edmund and Jack have brought Derek there to stop her
from taking the body out of the country. We see a flashback that seems to
indicate that Alex and Dim are discussing a possible illness he may have.
Edmund appeals to her and she finally agrees to take the body to Wildwind.
Meanwhile, at Wildwind already, Brooke and Erica get into an argument about
Alex and her claims. Brooke, the investigative reporter, blindly believes
everything that Alex has said, but Erica is not buying it at all. As they
fight, Gillian can't take anymore and breaks them up, then runs out. Brooke
and Erica call a truce, but Erica isn't about to believe "This Alex
person." just yet. When Jack arrives, Brooke breaks down in his arms.
Eddie comes in then, with Alex behind him.

They introduce her to Brooke. And then something appalling happens.
Brooke asks Edmund if he's ok, he says yes. Then she asks him if he'd like
to go see the children and he says NO! He says he can't handle it. WHAT?
He can't handle seeing his own children!? The children that are supposedly
his life? Excuse me? What is that!? Brooke goes to check on the kids herself,
and Alex is left alone in the living room, where she makes a cryptic call
to Dr. Silbert at Seaview Hospital, saying something about "being pleased"
at how things are going.

At Myrtle's, Gillian is in the living room crying when Jake comes
in. He assumes she's crying over something Ryan did or said, but she tells
him that Dimitri is dead. She tells him how much she loved him, how he always
made her feel like a princess. She leaves the part out about how Dimitri
threatened her life a few times and how she was terrified of him for awhile
there. Jake comforts her. She calls Eugenia to tell her about Dimmie.

Back at Wildwind, Brooke takes Alex to the Hunting Lodge. They talk
and she asks Brooke what they can do to help Edmund deal with Dimtri's death.
Brooke tells Alex about Edmund and Dim's history and how close they were.
Just then, FedEx arrives with a package for Alex. I'm wondering how they
knew to find her there, but when she opens it and we find out it's from
Dimitri, it makes sense. That is where they were going to spend their honeymoon.
But, then she gets a phone call. Now how does that happen?? Who knows she's
there!? Brooke leaves and we hear more cryptic nonsense from Alex as she
talks to "Sean" and discuss Dimitri's latest episode. To me, AMC
is making it way too obvious that Dim is not dead. All these weird phone
calls and signals between the medical staff. It seems to me that Dim is
ill. Maybe Alex gave him a drug to induce coma or something else to make
him seem dead so she could get him to another hospital where he will recuperate
and then one day return. I don't know, but it's very clear that he's not
dead.

Over at the mausoleum, Ed is remembering Dimtri. Oddly enough he seems
to be remembering mostly the bad times. Jack walks in just as Eddie cracks.
He tells Jack there is more to this than meets the eye and he wants answers.
Brooke shows up then and they talk and laugh and remember Dimitri. Edmund
even laughs at the memory of Dimitri shooting him! When they leave, Eddie
decides he needs to see Dimitri's body and tries to open the big silver
box. It's sealed so he goes out and comes back with a garden shovel. Yep,
a little garden shovel and tries to open the box. Alex walks in and yells
at him to stop! She tells him to leave Dimitri in peace and tells him that
he didn't want Edmund to see him that way. Oops, Alex let another piece
of the puzzle fall out. You now, for someone (if she is supposed to be Anna
Devane, big time secret agent) she's not very good at cover up or keeping
secrets. Then Peggy arrives, wracked with grief. She talks Edmund out of
opening the casket and they head back up to the main house. This is when
Alex makes her getaway with the big silver box that Dimitri is supposedly
in. I'm not convinced of that.

Over at Erica's No Name House, David arrives with the good news that
he has all the evidence against her from Vanessa. Erica is sad and distant
and David finally notices and asks her what is wrong. She tells him that
Dimitri is dead and tells him about Alex and how she doesn't believe her.
Then we are treated to the most wonderful flashbacks of Dimitri and Erica's
relationship. It's terrific and I loved every minute of it. It is amazing
to me that AMC could just toss out such a love as Dimitri and Erica's. As
I'm watching their relationship blossom and all the great times they had,
I'm just struck with sadness that AMC did this. Michael
Nader gets a special award this week, PERFORMER
OF THE DECADE. David comforts Erica, and when he leaves, she calls
Bianca with the news. You know, I think it's time for Bianca to get out
of rehab and get back to Pine Valley. Can you believe that she won't be
at the funeral? Neither will Anton or Corvina. It's a shame, a real shame.

This week's AMC gets an A-. Great stuff with David, Vanessa and Donald.
Wonderful Dimtri flashbacks. But it also gets a big fat F for letting Michael Nader, Amelia Marshall
and Ara Celi all go!