Le Tour Punk le course au soleil

Ceci est un fiction, le tour punk is a work of fiction. Any similarities
to real people or real events are purely coincidental.

In 2004,
Conor from King of the Sad People zine fame (Conor KOTSP) had a dream; “I
was reading about the Tour de France and the mythology attached to the Alps
and the Pyrenees” Conor KOTSP explained “and I thought to myself;
with a landscape like ours and all the punks, an Irish punk tour would be
something extraordinary.”

After announcing the idea, there were many reactions positive and negative.
Conor KOTSPs’ doubters declared it an impossible dream but in a few
months Conor KOTSP had the whole race organised. Speculation was wild about
the event as nothing like it had been done before in punk circles. Around
60 punks were going to line up for the six stage race that would bring them
on a meandering journey from the heart of Dublin city to the remnants of
an old train station near Palace East in New Ross, Co. Wexford. Some called
the race “la course au soleil” because it was going to the sunny
south east, but mostly it was known as “le tour punk”. The use
of French words was due to the influence of ideas from the Tour de France
about how to organise the race. The route consisted of one flat stage followed
by four mountain stages and finally a 38km time trial around small dusty
roads that finished outside the old train station.

In the gigs coming up to the event, the punks would at some stage sit in
front of their pints and discuss it. What was going on and how does it work
was the first debates, then after that the talk moved on to who was going
to cycle it and then there was plenty of speculation about who would win
the race. The punks kept notes from all punk cycling related events which
had happened in Dublin or the counties around from the spring on and wondered
who it could be. There were informal races to the off licences before closing
that showed how fast some punks could go over short distances. There were
small punk races which consisted of epic journeys from Dublin city to smaller
towns for punk picnics. These had different names such as Kilcoole Klassik,
Dub to Drogeda and Suffering in the Wicklow Mountains. There were the odd
spins after a gig as well as some circuit races around Dublin. The punks
compared their notes whether it be that they happened to be walking on the
street when another punk cycled by, or that they themselves were cycling
with others, or if they discerned a difference in another punk’s behaviour
that might indicate that they were doing a lot of spins secretively and
perhaps had some ambition. Many were tight lipped about any chance of doing
well in le tour punk. But they had contacted Conor KOTSP and told him they
were up for it for definite. During all this commotion, little groups of
punks formed which then became small teams. These were publicising a cause
or event that the group felt they stood for. There would be teams representing
where the punks lived; these included Kilcoole, Phibsboro, Sandyford and
Belfast. There were teams for the punks in bands – Puget Sound, Ten
past seven, Mouthpiece, Easpa Measa and Redneck Manifesto. There were a
variety of other teams too such as a team of people who organised gigs under
the names of GZ (Ground Zero) and Kids, Doseacht that for short had “do-7”
on their jerseys and t-shirts. There was only one foreign team and that
was the Warriors team who had come all the way from Conie Island in New
York from the US.

Judging from other events there were five favourites:

1.
Thomas used to write Paranoia Critica and was also well known due to his
Nappyrash band.
Thomas McCarthy of Phibsboro punks team just hit the scene with a string
of victories, winning every race he entered and earning the nickname “le
cannibal.”
2. Natalia, from the Red Ink radical books and zine shop, is a super sprinter
who goes for the overall too sometimes.
3. Tommy trousers of the strong Moutpiece team could easily dominate the
race.
4. Kate Bre back from a month on the road is en forme for winning; however
she has indicated that due to financial constraints she may be unable to
compete.5. Gerry
a teammate of Natalia of the Red Ink team and a long term courier is consistent
having just won the cyclone criterium he was attempting the race cyclone-le
tour punk double.
Other mentions were Stephen Doyle, Clodagh Easpa, Swan Warriors and

Conor KOTSP as the race director would be following the front of the action
in his car. The car has been altered especially so that he can stand out
through the sunroof. From there he will commentate on “radio tour
information” which is blared from his car and from the motorbike of
John Puget Sound (who wasn't going to be in the race despite the fact that
the rest of his band would be in a team called Puget Sound) to the rest
of the punk peloton. In this way everyone in the punk peloton as they cycle
can follow the action from a distance and can be entertained. There were
a couple of terms that would be used during the race that some punks in
the peloton needed to familiarise themselves with – to cover for this
Conor KOTSP brought out a freesheet that he distributed at gigs called “le
tour punk” which had a vocabulary section (“vocabulaire”).
Here’s some of the stuff that was in it; “Chute”, “ecart”
“la course en tête” “bidon” “attaque.”

Finally the day came and a big group of punks on all sorts of bikes that
they had fixed up appeared on O’Connell Street one Monday morning
for the race to begin. On the morning of the race, word spread around the
peloton that the Mouthpiece team were hung-over after a gig and would not
be starting the race. So Tommy Trousers, one of the pre-race favourites,
was out already. To officially start the race, Conor KOTSP had asked Deko
a well known figure in punk cycling to say a few words and get everyone
moving.

Deko
“Alright I’m starting this-GO GO GO.” The punks scrambled
to sit up on their bikes and pedal away from O’Connell Street where
Deko was standing swinging his arms to get them to go. Going northwards
they swung around by the Garden of Remembrance and then went down the other
side of O’Connell Street with a great momentum. There was some confusion
though as why to go so fast so quickly so some of the GZ punks, who wanting
to create a little chaos, took advantage of the situation and attacked immediately.The
pace through Dublin was notorious as the lads from Puget Sound team together
with some couriers and skins raced through the traffic. It was at a narrow
cobbled section at Temple Bar that the first accident of the race happened
and Stephen Doyle of the Kids team crashed out of the race. “Chute,
chute, chute!” Pre
race favourite Stephen Doyle was expected to animate when le tour punk went
close to the Carlow border. He left his kids team without a leader.

But when the punk peloton rode out of Dublin in the south west direction
things calmed down and the earlier break led by the Puget Sound and GZ teams
was caught.

At the end of the first day, the pace was very high in the last kilometre
into Kilcoole so that no one could launch a final attack. Natalia got herself
ready for the sprint behind Gerry’s back wheel. She was expecting
the sprint to be a simple formality. But a tall young sprinter Cian Doseacht
was behind Natalia.

The winner of this sprint would be the first punk to wear the King of the
Sad People le tour punk patch.
It was the best sprint of the race. Cian and Natalia were side by side for
the final 150 metres. Cian made it by a fraction. Natalia was bullin to
settle for second place which she is not used to.

Cian
was in high spirits pinning the patch onto his t-shirt. “Maybe I’ll
have it after tomorrow.” Cian said “Conor KOTSP designed a very
hilly race like the Dauphine Libéré in the Alps or the Euskal
Bizikleta in the Basque country so it’s likely the climbers will emerge
tomorrow but we’ll see. I’d like to keep it for a few days.”
General Classification
1.Cian Do-seacht
2.Natalia Red Ink (Het zelfde tijd)
3.Rhona Leeson street squatters (het zelfde tijd)

The next day’s race 150km. Conor KOTSP designed a loop to go south
from Kilcoole, then west to the Wicklow Mountains and up into Laragh. Just
before Laragh the peloton would go over the dreaded Shay Elliot climb before
descending into the town of Laragh. The climber punks would likely emerge
and forge ahead on the climb but the other punks if they take risks on the
descent may be able to catch up with them. Everyone in the peloton remembered
what Stephen Roche had done the day after he needed oxygen to be revived
in the 1987 Tour de France. The punks were saying that when he descended
the last of five mountains, he took savage chances bombing it down the mountain
and left Pedro Delgado behind. In this le tour punk, if Cian lost time on
the climb, they were saying, all he had to do was take a leaf out of Stephen
Roche’s book and descend like a madman, he may keep the KOTSP le tour
punk patch.

The peloton remained largely intact the whole day until finally the turned
right after a bridge and started the bottom of the Shay Elliot climb. The
field was blown apart by the steep road ahead when some punks launched out
of their saddles and passed out the others and where some punks were hitting
red they felt that they needed to stop. A small group formed at la course
en tête or at the front which contained Willie and Gerry (both on
Red Ink), Sean Squarewheel, Nev and Thomas (both Phibsboro punks) and Ror
and Owensie (of Puget Sound). Around eight seconds behind were the group
jaune or the group that contained the KOTSP le tour punk patch Cian. He
was joined by his Do-seacht teammates along with members of the GZ, Warriors
and Loserdom-Farrell team. At the very back of the peloton, there was a
rider in difficulty and its Byrnos of the Easpa Measa team. Byrnos - “this
is fierce”

Just as la course en tête group sees the summit Thomas Phibsboro
punks launches a savage burning attack and scales up the climb much in the
style of the late great Marco Pantani. He quickly built up a lead of 25
seconds as he fearlessly descended.

The small group pushed hard to limit their losses on Thomas. Willie Red
Ink was on the front while the groupe jaune upped the pace too- Cian seemed
to have formed an alliance with the Loserdom-Farrell team as Anto paced
Cian up the last part of the climb and Eugène leaded Cian down the
descent as fast as he could.

However it is not enough to catch Thomas McCarthey who takes le tour punk
KOTSP patch.

Stage 3: This was another mountain stage. This stage ended in a mountain
finish so the time gaps were likely to be bigger. Conor KOTSP had designed
a route and found all these mountains and roads up the mountains that none
of the punks had ever heard of before. It was as if they were in France,
the climbs were so tough. Once again the peloton remained fairly intact
until the final climb crossing some rolling and hilly countrysides, parishes
and town lands in one big group. But coming out of one very small Irish
town that had a church, school, post office shop and five pubs, the road
rose up abruptly and then a small group formed which contained the favourites
Marianne Leeson street squat, Willie and Gerry (Red Ink radical books and
zines), Sean and Tamarack (Squarewheel cycleworks bicycle repairs), Dee
(Kids gig collective) and Thomas and Nev (Phibsboro punks a good spot for
a punk community). Back behind there were numerous smaller groups and at
the very end were the riders who were in great difficulty. Le Tour punk
then lost its second rider after Stephen Doyle when Cian Do-Seacht team
hopped off his bike and gave up “This is too steep” he said
gasping for air “too much.” He then sat down in a ditch with
his bike. Other punks who could have been in difficulty rode on their own
at their own pace. The numerous smaller groups had different strategies.
One or two wanted to be as close as possible to the favourites while there
were others who just wanted to help each other up the steep climb. With
5km of climbing to go to the top of the climb, Thomas Phibsboro punks who
was already wearing le tour punk KOTSP patch looked at the others, then
launched out of the saddle with a killer pace. He passed Willie who was
on the front and leaning forward on his handlebars he disappeared around
a bend and then two bends later was out of sight of the group. Conor KOTSP
was in his race director’s car at the time just behind the group of
6 favourites and commentated the whole thing to the punk peloton through
the speaker that was stuck at the back of John’s motor bike.

«He’s gone again. Thomas Phibsboro is gone again. He
looked at the rest of favourites, the only ones who could match him in the
last five km of the climb and he simply stood up, sped away and went again.
The other punks look to one another and try to pick up the pace while Thomas
makes the distance in his savage acceleration, clearly superior to the other
punks if he carries this forme throughout the rest of the week, Thomas will
easily win le tour punk and with such panache to earn his nickname of le
cannibal»

Stage 4: This was again another mountain stage. The peloton has been broken
up for most of the day as the crossed the many climbs that Conor KOTSP planned
for them to cross. As the punks rolled out from the start town earlier on
in the day, they listened to his voice on the loudspeakers; «This
day is going to be the day to show the hardest of le tour punk, the true
toughians, who can withstand five steep climbs in one day one of which goes
up a secluded Leinster mountain deep in the Irish countryside out of the
hustle and bustle of the celtic tiger». On the first climb already
some punks were left behind and then formed a group with the only purpose
of being able to make it to the finish. These would arrive over 3 hours
after the winner. Here we see a fairly big group as they zoom across the
flatter roads in between the hills and mountains.

There
was scandal on the second last climb when Thomas McCarthey of Phibsboro
punks slowed and seemed to lose his power. Thomas “here lads stop.”
Willie “what?” Thomas “Stop, I’ve lost my power,
I’m all out of EPO” Thomas group to a halt while the rest of
the front group who were all a bit confused carried on. Nev slowed down
and turned back to Thomas “I told you not to touch that stuff, now
Phibsboro punks won’t win le tour punk.”

With
Thomas out, the race was wide open again. The other punks were no longer
riding to their limits for the second and third place behind Thomas and
the one of that front group would be wearing the le tour punk KOTSP patch
that night. With all these ideas going round, the pace got hot. In the group
was Natalia and Gerry (Red Ink radical books), Anto (Loserdom Dublin DIY
punk zine), Ken Sweeney (Easpa Measa), Nev (Phibsboro punks) and Sean (Squarewheel
cycleworks bicycle repairs). The pace went up a few gears. Natalia was doing
the work with Gerry right on her wheel, she was setting a killer pace that
Gerry followed that they hoped would wear the rest of the others down. In
doing so she was using her energy and sacrificing her hopes for the overall
for her teammate Gerry.

Anto Loserdom and Ken Easpa launched an attack with 2 km to go to the summit
of this climb. Seeing them in the distance on a steep bend, Sean Squarewheel
cycleworks bicycle repairs launched out of the saddle of his big frame 80s
racing bike and caught up with the two. The three worked together to try
to put a gap into Gerry and Natalia Red Ink and Nev. But going down the
summit, Gerry pounded his pedals and barely used his brakes at all at all,
and at one time nearly hit a Honda that was going up the mountain. Gerry
caught the three on the descent just as the land was flattening out near
a small bridge. The group was now four, Natalia and Nev followed behind.
When the two were on the flat, Nev stood up and tried his hardest to catch
up with the four in front. Conor was in his car behind the four and John
Kelly was in his motorbike following Nev and Natalia. Back still climbing
the second last climb was the peloton in numerous little groups. A second
car was on hand there to commentate Conor’s discourse regarding the
events as they unfolded and the punks were taking it easy and very interested
to listen to the whole thing.

When the two groups hit the last climb, Nev was very close to the four
of Gerry, Anto, Ken and Sean. Natalia dropped back and joined a group four
minutes behind which contained Ror Puget Sound, Clodagh Easpa Measa, Eugène
Loserdom and Jaime Farrell. Up
the final 10km which were all uphill, Sean attacked and Gerry was the only
one to go with him. They battled up the climb side by side until in the
final kilometre Gerry let Sean go who then crossed the line with 30 seconds
ahead of Gerry. Behind Nev finished alone four minutes behind and Ken Sweeney
with Anto Loserdom were a further three minutes. Natalia came in over 10
minutes behind with the majority of the punk peloton one to two hours back.
So in one exciting day, Thomas McCarthy had fallen from being the dominating
cannibal and the winner would be either Sean Squarewheel cycleworks bicycle
repairs or Gerry Red Ink radical books and zines. Sean took the patch off
Thomas.
General Classification after stage 4
1.Sean Squarewheel cycleworks bicycle repairs
2.Gerry Red Ink Radical books and zines @ 20 seconds
3.Dee Kids music collective @ 4 minutes 45 seconds
4.Nev Phibsboro punks @ 5 minutes and 32 seconds
5.Ken Sweeney @ 7 minutes and 56 seconds
6.Anto Loserdom @ 9 minutes 6 seconds
7.Clodagh Easpa @ 9 minutes 39 seconds

The
stage was set for a great battle between these two and le tour punk peloton
were very interested and full of speculation about what would happen over
the last two days of the race. There was just two days left – a mountain
stage and a 38km time trial that was flat but also had a hill. The punks
were saying as they sat on their bikes that the twenty seconds advantage
that Sean had now ahead of Gerry was not enough before the time trial as
everyone knew that Gerry was savage at time trialling. The story went that
he developed his skills in this discipline over the years of being a courier.
In the early years for him as a bike courier, there were often packages
that Gerry picked up in town that he had to deliver as much as five miles
away. The dispatchers were fierce surprised that Gerry would deliver these
so soon and as a result gave him plenty of this nature over the years. Allegedly
Gerry would blast it down one of the main Dublin roads with his chin just
above the handlebars for an aerodynamic position. He said he learned this
after studying the way Sean Kelly time trialed in the Nissan Classic of
1986 when Kelly set a record for the fastest ever time trial. The Nissan
Classic often started in Gerry’s homeplace of Kilkenny. Incidentially
Sean Squarewheel and Thomas McCarthey were also from county Kilkenny. So
anyway, the punks were saying that if Sean wanted to win le tour punk, then
he’d have to attack Gerry on the second day, the day where Conor KOTSP
was planning that the punks cycle over this epic mountain that seemed a
lot like the one that goes to La Plagne in the French Alps. Sean Squarewheel
would have to gain around two minutes on Gerry in order to be certain that
he’d win le tour punk in the time trial. This reminded a lot of the
older punks who were knocking around the eighties about the battle Stephen
Roche did with Pedro Delgado on the stage that was won by Laurent Fignon
in the 1987 Tour de France.

Thomas
McCarthey of Phibsboro punks chats with Anto Loserdom; Thomas dramatically
dropped from first to twenty-seventh place the previous day and had this
to say “90% of the peloton support me. I had a bad day but what can
you do. I’ll be back if there’s another le tour punk.”

The pace was hotting up some 15km from the finish, all uphill. Some riders
of this group have found the pace too much. Nev drops off. By the end of
the day he will lose a further four minutes.

Sean
attacks on the early slopes of the last climb with a violent acceleration.
There was nothing Gerry could do. Sean quickly built up a lead of a minute.

At this stage everyone thought that it was all over. “C’est
fini” Conor declared to the rest of the punk peloton via radio tour
information. “Gerry will never be able to get back that time in the
time trial.”

Gerry;
“So I let him go. I let him get a minute, a minute ten, a minute twenty.
At 1:25, I thought I gotta start moving here and I always remember how calculated
I was, how cool I was. I let him there and I thought “I’ll leave
him there at 1:20 and with four km to go, I’ll just give it everything.”

Gerry continued; “In that way, he’ll think that he has 1:20
up so ‘1:20 plus the 20 seconds that he had that’s two minutes.
Coming into the final time trial with two minutes in hand so Gerry can’t
beat me.’ He’ll be happy with that,
I’ll let him think that so in the last four km he’ll have maybe
one, maybe two, time checks and by the time he actually gets them, he’ll
be too close to the finish and I’ll be coming back at him very very
fast.”

Sean had gained more than two minutes but was now losing that gain. He
was getting tired.

Gerry continued to come up the mountain keeping a steady temp and calculating
his finishing time. He was doing just enough.
Groupe jaune Sean groupe Gerry

Gerry : « At about four km to go, I got a final time
check from John Kelly saying that Sean was 1 :15 and ….»

“…. I went into overdrive. I was like a man possessed. I don’t
know where I got the strength from that day. I just became a different punk
in them last four kilometres. All the energy I had been storing going up
that hill keeping Sean at the 1:20 just exploded.

And for the last four kilometres I was possessed. I didn’t know where
Sean was. I just said ‘what I want to do is try to get as close to
him as I can before the stop-watch starts on the line.”

Sean who was wearing the leaders’ patch didn’t know that Gerry
was actually catching up.

The gap was now down to 27 seconds between the two punks.

Gerry
continued to suffer. The man who had won the cyclone criterium could now
see himself winning le tour punk but he had to get to the top with enough
seconds in hand to take the lead in the final time trial.

Conor, talking on radio tour information; “Here is the star of the
drama of le tour punk, Sean Squarewheel. He has left Gerry on the climb
but remember he had a minute and a half…
But just who’s that punk coming up behind? Because it looks like the
beard of Gerry from the Red Ink radical books and zines team, that looks
like Gerry Red Ink! It is Gerry Red Ink! He had almost caught Sean Squarewheel
on the line! He finished just four seconds behind Sean!!

What
a finish by Gerry Red Ink. We never knew he was that close, Gerry had risen
to the occasion so so well. He almost caught Sean Squarewheel on the line,
surely le tour punks, he is going to win le tour punk?”

Stage 6 was a 38km time trial that would bring the riders around the countryside
of New Ross on same roads and then end up just outside the old train station
in Palace East. The riders would start in the reverse order of the general
classification. The first rider to start is the lantern rouge Byrnos Measa.
Each rider begins the difficult course two minutes after the previous rider.
There was a tough climb along the route which then descended on windy roads
that were dirt tracks at times. The punks would be given no technical assistance
so if they punctured along the way, it was up to themselves to sort themselves
out. So many punks had tyres wrapped around their shoulders and had some
tools in their pockets.

Byrnos the first rider to start skids on some pebbles descending the climb

Rider number 71 has a bit of a crash coming toward the old train station.

Conor
KOTSP is at hand to help him up

Jamie Farrell of the Loserdom Dublin DIY punk zine-Farrell team waits at
the line to start. He was satisfied to finish the race in 29th place.

But the
real action would be the battle for the overall which Gerry had by no means
won at that stage. A crash or a puncture could stop him from challenging
Sean Squarewheel, so the race was still very open and all the punks would
really enjoy the battle as they sat on the grass outside the old train station
and listened to Conor KOTSP’s commentary who would be following Gerry
and John Kelly who would be following Sean Squarewheel. Gerry would start
the time trial two minutes before Sean Squarewheel. Gerry; “Before
each day as a courier, I get myself into such a psychological state that
I wouldn’t recognise my own father if he came by. I went out on the
course that morning to see that roads I’d have to give it loads on
and I saw many punks but at the same time I didn’t see any punks,
I was a man possessed.”

Sean knew in his heart that he couldn’t match Gerry in the time trial.
Gerry; “there was nothing else in my mind except every corner for
that time trial. I knew everywhere I was going to gain time, everywhere
I could have gained time. Nothing was going to change my plan. It didn’t
matter what time check I got, I was going to beat Sean progressively. I
wasn’t going to go out and give him a hard start and I was going to
build up those seconds bit by bit and then take the le tour punk KOTSP patch.
Until I crossed the line I was a punk possessed.”

Sean was defiant. He wanted to keep the KOTSP patch. He wrestled with the
handlebars and grimaced his teeth as he battled to push himself to keep
a tough pace. He wanted to win le tour punk.

As
it became clear that Gerry was beating him in time trial after Sean Squarewheel
was told that Gerry had done the first 15 km several minutes faster than
Sean, Sean knew he had lost and was living through the most horrid race
of his life.

Gerry
was moving ahead. He was inspired and being driven to win le tour punk,
turning down the finishing straight toward the old train station where train
tracks laid once, he swung his left arm celebrating to all the punks who
were sitting on the fences and the grass. Five minutes later Sean Squarewheel
cycleworks bicycle repairs came in, he had lost le tour punk in the final
time trial to Gerry Red Ink radical books and zines but he had achieved
a great second place. Nev Phibsboro came in third overall.
Final General Classification of the first le tour punk
1.Gerry Red Ink radical books and zines
2.Sean Squarewheel cycleworks bicycle repairs @ 4 minutes 36 seconds
3.Nev Phibsboro punks a good spot for a punk community @ 9 minutes 57 seconds
4.Dee Kids gig collective @ 11 minutes 21 seconds
5.Anto Loserdom Dublin DIY punk zine @ 13 minutes 24 seconds
6.Ken Sweeney Easpa Measa @ 13 minutes 53 seconds
7.Clodagh Easpa Measa @ 16 minutes 8 seconds
8.Richie Redneck Manifesto @18 minutes 13 seconds

Anto:
Boss isn’t it sickening the way Kilkenny (Gerry and Sean) dominate
Irish punk cycling like the way they dominate Hurling?
Eugène: Yeh

Update: Just after le tour punk, Kilkenny were blitzed by Cork at the All
Ireland Hurling final on September 12th 2004.