Scott is this guy. Sometimes he rants, sometimes he just says things that make us laugh until we cry. We decided to capture his strangeness and publish them for all of you to enjoy.
"i see evil finally has a web page. fancy that."

30 August 2007

i'm sorry but i think you've come to the wrong office if you want silliness. this is the Department of Serious People Doing Serious Things With Very Serious Looks on Their Faces. The Office of Loons, Spazzes and Just Plain Weird Stuff is next door.

James:"Master Crusty! The evil Dragon Weng Flaky is outside! He demands we give up the secrets of our legendary Pie Style!"

Scott:"Master Crusty, you would not teach me your Pie Style! Now I will take it like the autum moon takes the bamboo lute from a concubine!"*Master Crusty strokes foot long moustache*"Then let us fight with our minds, pie to pie! For truly there is no greater way to honour the Bakery of the Gods!"*cue stirring music, lots of zooming in to narrowed eyes and snarling faces for the next, oh lets say 45 minutes*

Amber:Somebody PLEASE get to blogging

Rebecca:Oh when I eventually get access to my home PC and the internets I will blog to my heart's content

James:"I laugh at your baked goods!''*laughs out of synch*"What you call pastry, I call a soft steamed bun!"

Scott:"So, you mock the pies of our ancestors?!"*florid and unnecessarily exaggerated arm waving*"I should have expected as much from the Duke of P'ie's assassin."*more moustache stroking*"Hung Lo, Sofar Wae, show this peasant what a true Pie Master can do!"

and lo! the Lord did appear before the Scotterites and didst instruct themin the Ways of the Lord, and so it was that the Scotterites didst turn to one another and sayeth openly "bugger this for a joke, i'm going home."

Rebecca:And I have been told repeatedly there is no such thing as "leagues" by a man who then tells me that there are. Some double standard :P :)

Scott:there are many leagues. there are those people that naturally slot into the equivalent of the top European football leagues, and there are those such as myself who find themselves in the equivalent of the 3rd Grade Khazakhstanian Regional Goat Hurling Championships, sponsored by Kolopsky's Horse Products, if its not made from horse its not worth buying.

the predator eyes the herd of quiche beasts hungrily, watching for any stragglers or left-overs that would be too slow or feeble to outrun it. selecting its prey it uses its natural environment of office furniture as cover as it creeps within striking distance. suddenly it pounces and the quiche is caught before it has time to react. there is a brief struggle but the quiche is completely overwhelmed. thus goes life on the wild frontier of the corporate office.

let it be known forthwith that all those that have fridays off work and gloat about it shall be the first against the wall come the Revolution, by order of Comrade Scott, leader of the Shining Arse Monkey Brigades.

17 August 2007

Scott:I dunno. Kill [this colleague] in [another office] for me and you'll never have to say it again. Kill her in a very bloody and painful way, preferrably involving gerbils and some sort of suction hose thing equipped with rotating knife blades that plays "Ode to Joy" and I'll give you a billion dollars into the bargain.

"And this one I shot whilst hiking across the veldt. It ambushed me from a thick clump of acacia bushes and demanded I repent and denounce my sins. Fortunately I always travel the veldt with my game rifle at hand I was able to bring it down while it was in mid-pounce. It was a close run thing but as you can see it makes a fine trophy. Definitely one of the more magnificent specimens in my collection."

Amber:I think I'd shoot them, then dump them

Scott:

Its illegal to dump fundamentalists, they're classified as toxic waste. you don't want them leaching into the soil and contaminating the wildlife. the last thing i need is to be swooped by fundamentalist magpies during breeding season.

Today's science lesson, brought to you by Connex, providers of Cheap, Reliable and Amiable Public Transport, or C.R.A.P. Transport, is entitled "Yes, It Is Possible to Make a Train Journey of 5 Stations Last More Than 1 Hour", with illustrations by the famous conceptual artist Desperate Passenger.

"Oh I am not worthy of your digital love!""My father never loved my diodes and therefore i have integer relationship issues.""I was constructed with a 0.001% tolerance and I just don't know if that's enough any more.""Is there a robot god? Will i go to Boolean Heaven when I do? Will my processor be judged worthy by floating point calculator at the gates of heaven or will I be condemned to be recycled as a web-enabled toaster?"

Scott:Don't they know that every time someone says that, a screaming cannibal pygmy headhunter dies?

Michelle:Obviously not - or they deliberately fiddled with the legend in Peter Pan because little girls relate better to fairies than to screaming cannibal pygmy headhunters.

Scott:I believe in the original, true story: the children were led away by flying screaming cannibal pygmy headhunter to a magical land where children never grow up because that way their meat stays nice and tender.

"Say, you know how or webpage is easy to navigate and well laid out? Well let me tell you, that's old school. Web design has moved on. I propose we make everything much harder to find, we make navigation near impossible, and we embed lots of animations and flashy Java things that'll really slow down page loading."

1 August 2007

Today I bought some chocolate. I wasn't expecting a mind expanding experience, but was rather suprised to find myself entering a tranquil, calm and zen-like state while eating it that only experienced Buddhist masters on their fifth reincarnation could achieve.