World News

February 21, 2017 – Milo Yiannopoulos, a professional person who says things designed to hurt people who had become very popular with people who don't mind seeing other people hurt, has in the course of a week been disinvited from a public speaking engagement, had a book deal canceled, and resigned from the president's preferred news outlet, due to finally saying a thing that made the people who like hurting people feel hurt.

November 18, 2016 - A newly published report by the National Security Agency suggests that recent American intelligence hacks originated not in Russia, but in Japan. Officials were baffled until one analyst noted that Minato, Tokyo, the traced origin of the hacks, is also the location of Sony corporate headquarters.

October 13, 2016 – While stating that he considers Donald Trump's performance thus far in the US presidential race to be satisfactory, Russian president Vladimir Putin did confess to reporters that his first choice for a puppet with whom he could effectively undermine the American democratic process had been Survivor host Jeff Probst.

September 9, 2016 – These days, many women seek to shield themselves from male attention by donning noise-canceling headphones along with a full body-covering assortment of Gothic plate armor. But that doesn't mean you can't talk to them. You just gotta be cool about it, brah.

August 9, 2016 – Concerned with the possibility that millennials are having less intercourse, scientists at the International Academy of Sex Research recently underwent a study to determine the cause, the findings of which suggest that most adults between the ages of 20 and 35 are now waiting until their three-week stint at the Olympics before having unbelievable amounts of sex.

July 29, 2016 – At the behest of her election opponent, hackers working out of Russia stole another large trove of e-mails from Hillary Clinton's private server, previously thought deleted. Among the mostly innocuous messages was a truly startling find: a scanned copy of an ancient map to the fabled city of gold, El Dorado, hidden along the banks of the Putumayo River.

July 11, 2016 – Defying all market analysis, in the course of the past weekend, demand for housing has shot up within approximately a 30-foot radius of all tasteless murals and utterly pointless street sculptures in the known world, sending rental prices skyrocketing.

June 13, 2016 – Almighty God, Creator of all things, has suffered another political setback at the hands of Heaven's legislative body, who on Monday voted down a bill to install an 11th Commandment to the original 10, “Thou Shalt Not Glorify Weapons of Death,” an amendment which had long been stuck in committee.

May 10, 2016 – Following Sadiq Khan's inauguration as mayor of London, England, presumptive nominee Donald Trump surprised many supporters by stating that Khan would prove an exception to his ban on Muslims entering the United States under his presidency. When pressed about this change of heart, Trump stated that he had recently learned of Khan's previous job title, 'Shadow Lord Chancellor,' which, to quote Trump, sounds “totally badass.”

April 21, 2016 – A new independent study of your Facebook feed reports that, with the death of funk rocker Prince on Thursday, following the loss of Chyna, Merle Haggard, Alan Rickman, and fellow glam rock musician David Bowie earlier this year, 2016 is officially the worst ever, and needs to get its shit together.

April 5, 2016 – As the Syrian civil war continues to ravage the nation, and fighting spills into factioned-off neighborhoods in the city of Aleppo, it has become clear to outside observers and reporters on the ground that the opposition, the Syrian National Coalition, remains tragically, pitifully without a clear stance on the relative awesomeness or shittiness of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

April 1, 2016 – A new research paper published by the International Monetary Fund was released on Friday which found that, among the organization's 188 participating countries, citizens agree almost unanimously that stuff costing less money is preferable to stuff costing more money.

March 8, 2016 – This Tuesday, normally a day set aside for the celebration of the social, cultural and political achievements of women around the world, also gave rise to a controversy surrounding the attire of one of the world's most prominent and visible female role models: the 50-Foot Woman of Tarzana, California, and her allegedly skimpy bed-linen coverings.

February 26, 2016 – The amalgamated governing system of Mars is set to wrap up the third rotation of its Planetary Overlord election cycle, and the xenophobic rhetoric has really heating up, particularly in the Xeno party primary. The foremost candidates of that election are now debating fiercelt as to the merits of constructing a spacewall in order to keep the aggressive, crazed, and hate-filled denizens of Earth from setting foot on Martian soil.

February 19, 2016 - Professional boxer and Philippines congressman Manny Pacquiao, who on Monday stated in an interview that homosexuals are worse than animals, doubled down on his sentiment this morning, insisting that all non-human creatures are capable of distinguishing between male and female for the purposes of sexual activity, as he headed towards the first public dog park he'd ever been to in his life.

January 27, 2016 – Notable conspiracy nuts and perpetual paranoiacs came forward on Wednesday to announce that they have reached a new consensus regarding the 1969 moon landing and subsequent landings. It is now accepted fact that man has walked on the surface of the moon, which is believed to be a completely flat surface akin to that of Earth.

January 14, 2016 – The nominees for the 2016 Academy Awards were announced Thursday morning, and for the second year running there is a surprising dearth of people of color, prompting the re-use of the hashtag #OscarsSoWhite. With this in mind, previously nominated white actor Paul Giamatti simply cannot believe he was overlooked for his turn as business manager Jerry Heller in the N.W.A. biopic Straight Outta Compton.

January 8, 2016 – In a rare break from his usual dreary decorum, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un was all smiles and giggles in a video address to the world's leaders on Wednesday, during which he announced that the Democratic People's Republic of Korea has discovered the secret to more effective long-range nuclear missiles, via his favorite viscous substance, factory-made lube.

December 18, 2015 – Admitting that they had failed to build a consensus on how best to provide academic evaluations for new studies by qualified peers, the scientific community has announced that they will be switching over to Plan B: releasing the papers publicly on social media and allowing internet commenters to formulate opinions through open discussion.

November 17, 2015 – Following the devastating attacks on Paris Friday night, Muslim refugees from war-torn Syria have come under increased scrutiny by Western nations. While many countries, including the United States, still intend to open their doors to families seeking refuge, many fearful citizens and politicians have warned that doing so could pave the way to remembering that shit is still going down in Syria.

November 12, 2015 – Newly elected Prime Minister and renowned sexy person Justin Trudeau has begun his first week of official governance in Canada. On Wednesday, he received a friendly phone call from U.S. President Barack Obama, offering him many words of support and encouragement, as well as one bit of sage advice: “Cherish your looks now, pretty boy, because in six years, they will be gone.”

September 17, 2015 - Marilyn Tobbel couldn't be more excited. After years of waiting, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is finally giving her the social media weapon she's always wanted: a "dislike" button. For despite a glowing public personality, in private, Tobbel relishes the opportunity to crush dreams and spread ignorance over the world wide web.

September 1, 2015 – Current James Bond series author Anthony Horowitz said in a Daily Mail interview that, while he feels that favored actor Idris Elba is not suave enough to portray the spy onscreen due to being “too street,” he is heavily in favor of beloved character actor Nick Frost, or a “Nick Frost type,” to take on the titular role of the brooding, debonair secret agent.

August 28, 2015 – With the announcement this week that the last known Ebola patient has emerged from hospital virus-free in Sierra Leone, the people of the United States are now recalling the intense fear-mongering that took place over a year ago, and most feel rather silly for once being so afraid of a disease that caused thousands of deaths so far away.

August 11, 2015 – Physicists working for the European Space Agency's theoretical space-time division have made a disappointing scientific breakthrough: their lab has discovered the existence of multiple alternate realities running parallel to our own. But to the scientists' dismay, all of the parallel worlds are entirely identical.

July 31, 2015 – An event took place yesterday in Japan that shocked the nation and the international community: its entire citizenry of 127 million people was gunned down by a lone attacker armed with a single rifle. While the world mourns, gun rights advocates have been swift to point out that this sort of thing can only happen in a “gun-free zone,” i.e. the entire nation of Japan.

July 14, 2015 – Despite her win at Saturday's Wimbledon tennis tournament, the sixth of her career, as well as a host of other athletic and entrepreneurial achievements, Serena Williams' lifetime of success was condemned on Monday as being un-sexy, and therefore invalid.

June 19, 2015 – According to a new study published on Facebook by the Board of Science, all of your supposedly bad habits, from junk food to binge drinking to wanton sexual encounters, actually improve your health and prolong your life, and you should totally keep doing them.

May 29, 2015 – Joseph “Sepp” Blatter, the Swiss administrator who has overseen almost two decades of corruption and scandal as president of the world football organization FIFA, won re-election for a fifth term on Friday, as the inexplicable human love of seeing grown men kick a ball for hours without scoring seemed like adequate justification for supporting the highly regarded despot and international criminal offender.

ISIS, Boko Haram Merger Makes Success Harder for Small Business TerrorismMay 21, 2015 – After Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi accepted Boko Haram's pledge of allegiance to ISIS back in March, the two terrorist organizations merged their resources, capital, and dickish activities. As a result, some months later, small-time groups report that they are struggling more than ever to gain a foothold in the terrorism marketplace.

May 4, 2015 – A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, last February, an investigation into “the Force” began due to the aggravation felt by Imperial leadership towards what they consider to be false religious trickery. The final report released Monday concluded that all telekinetic properties of the mysterious Force were actually enacted by a group of rabble-rousing teenagers hired by various Sith lords.

Japan Develops First Robot Capable of High-Level RacismApril 20, 2015 – In a surprise unveiling at the NAB Show last week in Las Vegas, programmers and executives from Sony Headquarters in Tokyo introduced an unsuspecting audience to A.B.E., the first artificial intelligence designed to mimic the absolute worst of humanity's intolerance and ethnocentrism.

March 10, 2015 – In the wake of the tragic slaying of Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov, President Vladimir Putin has vowed to personally oversee the investigation into the murder. Early Tuesday, he announced that the lead task force would consist of himself and New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, and that they would bring to justice whatever dastardly nasties killed the renowned critic of Putin's administration.

February 18, 2015 – Self-proclaimed “men's rights” groups prominent on social media, including notable figures of the Gamergate movement, have recently begun circulating an online petition, as well as spamming Nintendo offices and Shigeru Miyamoto's personal e-mail, aimed at changing the title of the iconic Legend of Zelda series to more adequately reflect the singular heroism of the male protagonist.

﻿Pope Francis Addresses Worshipers, Reveals Own Spec Script for Star Wars Episode VIII﻿February 10, 2015 – During a meeting with Catholic cardinals that was open to select members of the public on Tuesday morning, His Holiness Pope Francis made yet another break from traditional church protocol by forgoing all subjects of religious import, in order instead to describe and read aloud his own story ideas for the upcoming 8th installment of the Star Wars film franchise.

January 28, 2015 - Originally identified as a moon, scientists discovered earlier this week that the 10-ton satellite object that has orbited our planet for the last 4.5 billion years is actually your mom.

Harry Potter Bombshell! JK Rowling Reveals That Neville Was Actually from Bayonne, New JerseyJanuary 23, 2015 – Speaking to a packed house at the Kodak Theater in Los Angeles as part of her book tour for The Casual Vacancy, celebrated Harry Potter author JK Rowling fielded a question Friday morning regarding whether any Americans attended the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Rowling then revealed, to the shock of attendees, that popular Gryffindor character Neville Longbottom was, in fact, a guido from the city of Bayonne, New Jersey the whole time.

Pathetic Cowards at Sony Concede to Almighty North Korea and the Benevolent and Sexy Kim Jong-unDecember 19, 2014 – Striking a devastating blow against freedom of expression in American media, the spineless executives of Sony Pictures have officially kowtowed to the demands of hackers targeting them and their business. This blatant act of cowardice only lends credence to the all-powerful Democratic People's Republic of Korea, led unwaveringly by the great world conqueror and sexiest man alive, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un.

Sydney Hostage Tragedy Heroically Exploited by Interest GroupsDecember 16, 2014 – The hostage crisis in Sydney, leaving three dead including the mad gunman on Monday, is a tragedy the likes of which Australians have not experienced for some time. Thankfully, in the immediate wake of the tragedy, various special interest and hate groups from around the nation and the world have heroically stepped forward to explain how their ideas could have prevented this from happening.

CIA's Torture of V.I.L.E. Henchmen Did Nothing to Reveal Whereabouts of Carmen SandiegoDecember 10, 2014 – A report released by the Senate Intelligence Committee on Tuesday illuminated the nature of severe torture tactics used on secret prison detainees leading back to the Bush administration. Not only did the report shed light on the brutal nature of these interrogations, it confirmed that the result was little to no information regarding the whereabouts of the Vixen of Villainy, Carmen Sandiego.

Censor Board Requires British Pornstars to Wear Powdered Wigs whilst 'Intercoursing'December 1, 2014 – The British Board of Film Censors (BBFC) laid out a new set of regulations against online pornography in the UK on Tuesday. In addition to forbidding the depiction of many acts which would provide female pleasure, the ruling also requires all pornstars to don powdered wigs akin to the style of 17th century England, as well as the wigs still worn by high-level judges and lawmakers.

November 17, 2014 – In a historic achievement for the field of interplanetary advertisement, the North American Snack Agency (NASA) successfully launched a Taco Bell/KFC combo billboard, which touched down on an empty asteroid in the asteroid belt on Monday, and will remain there for the benefit of hungry spacefarers seeking tasty, affordable food on the go.

Arizona's Refusal to Acknowledge Daylight Savings Causes Massive Rift in Space-TimeNovember 5, 2014 – As if to symbolize the dire consequences of a lack of state unity in the United States, Arizona's refusal to implement Daylight Savings Time, despite repeated warnings from top astrophysicists and Christopher Nolan, caused a seismic tear in space-time on Wednesday, warping the very fabric of reality over the Sonoran Desert just outside of Tucson.

United States and Russia Engage in Nerf War to Blow Off SteamOctober 30, 2014 – Confessing that the geopolitical strife across the globe is only adding to the tension that is already wearing them down, leaders of both the United States and Russia announced somberly on Thursday that the two nations are declaring open Nerf warfare, in order to vent some of the pent-up frustrations of their respective armed forces.

October 21, 2014 – Perhaps the most plausible theory explaining the massive influx of medical professionals to illness-ridden West Africa hit the internet Monday morning. Sarifina Haddad, a journalist and citizen of Liberia with family suffering from Ebola as well as malnutrition, wrote online that these 'agents' from Doctors Without Borders and the Red Cross are, in fact, highly skilled and educated doctors possessed by a dastardly human desire to heal the sick.

North Koreans Suspicious that Kim Jong-un May Be Up to Something BadOctober 15, 2014 – North Korea's Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un went missing from the public eye on September 3rd, fueling speculation of failing health or a possible coup. The North Korean people are now beginning to suspect that their dictator-for-life, who has presided over public executions of political prisoners and mass famine, might be up to something bad, possible drug-related, ever since he turned up naked in a gas station on the 14th, claiming not to remember anything.

October 7, 2014 – The beleaguered nation of Iraq has suffered the cruelty of ISIS since 2011, a terrorist group drawing much of its power from religious sectarian disputes. Now, in a possible turn of fortune for Iraq's innocents, many Sunni and Shia Muslims have set aside their differences and banded together by finding common ground in disdain, both for ISIS, and for trite, ill-conceived origin films about infamous horror characters, including Dracula and Norman Bates.

Mysterious Masked Vigilante Appears on the Front Lines against ISISSeptember 26, 2014 – Recent political turns in the United States, including an Obama cabinet shake-up on Thursday, have tested confidence in America's projection of power and stability, and undermined the fresh war effort against ISIS terrorists in Syria. When all seemed lost, rather suddenly on Friday morning, an unidentified masked stranger, adorned in patriotic garb and brandishing a stars-and-stripes vibranium shield, appeared on the battlefield and took command of allied forces, with the confidence of a man experienced in both leadership and law enforcement.

London Prepares for Potential Shortage of Scottish Male Ballet ProdigiesSeptember 15, 2014 – This Thursday, citizens of Scotland will cast a vote on whether or not to declare themselves an autonomous nation, fully independent from Britain. While polls are still too close to predict the outcome, officials in London are preparing for the dire implications of losing access to Scotland's most valuable local resource and export: pre-teen children from working class communities with God-given ballet dancing skills.

ISIS Suspends Top Terrorist After Leaked Video Shows Him Not Being an AssholeSeptember 11, 2014 – Many notable careers have been jeopardized or destroyed recently by video footage leaked to the public. Now, as of Thursday morning, the terrorist organization ISIS has announced that they too have chosen to indefinitely suspend a top terror operative, Ikleel al Khaleel ur Rahman, who, a recently disclosed recording shows, does not spend all his time making lives miserable and generally being a humongous asshole.

September 3, 2014 – In a massive violation of privacy, and possibly international law, an anonymous hacker broke into the cloud database and posted onto Twitter several nude photos of Turkey's first directly elected president, Recep Tayyip Erdoğan. The socially conservative former prime minister was seen in a variety of explicit poses, in some cases taking shirtless mirror selfies, while in others stretched bare on his bed at Çankaya Presidential Palace while being photographed, possibly by longtime political ally Ahmet Davutoğlu.

﻿HBO to Expand its News Division with Game of Thrones-Referenced International News﻿August 14, 2014 – Early Thursday, HBO Chairman and CEO Richard Plepler announced plans to expand HBO's recent entrance into creative news programming with the addition of a bi-weekly program devoted to international news. The new program, along with Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, will round out the cable channel's creative news credentials.

﻿Legion of Doom Pulls Funding from ISIS After PR Disaster﻿August 11, 2014 – The Islamic State of Iraq and Greater Syria (ISIS), a terrorist organization quickly sweeping through northern Iraq, has proven so volatile that their former partners in al Qaeda disavowed any involvement with them back in February. Now, following the capture of the Mosul dam and the slaughter of hundreds of Yazidi villagers in the past week, another high-profile group, the supervillain's union the Legion of Doom, an affiliate of LexCorp, have severed all business ties, calling the militants “a public relations disaster.”

﻿Fighting Forces in Gaza Prepare for Full Withdrawal of Facebook Statuses﻿August 7, 2014 – The contentious and bloody battle that raged through Gaza may soon come to a close, as Israeli Defense Force troops redeploy to positions on the border, following major destruction of the Hamas tunnel network. After a full month of hostilities, soldiers and civilians alike are finally moving towards a full cease in combative Facebook statuses, as well as vitriolic tweets and redundant blog posts.

﻿Americans Fear that Bringing Ebola Patients Stateside Could Threaten Vacation Plans﻿August 5, 2014 – Tuesday marked the arrival of the second humanitarian doctor who contracted the Ebola virus to the continental United States, a move which sparked fear and angry calls to the Center for Disease Control to keep them isolated in Africa. While Ebola is not an airborne virus and is only contagious via fluid contact, Americans worry that the slightest misstep by the CDC could result in catastrophic changes to their summer vacation plans.

﻿Richard Dawkins Says He Was Forced to Give His Opinion on Rape Against His Will﻿July 29, 2014 - Professor Richard Dawkins, renowned evolutionary biologist and atheist champion, posted a line of tweets about logical thinking early Tuesday in which he, inexplicably, used degrees of rape and pedophilia as examples. In a recent heart-wrenching interview shortly afterwards, Dawkins explained that the opinions were not shared of his own volition, but rather, were forced out of his brain and onto Twitter by someone who had overpowered him, robbing his viewpoints of their dignity.

﻿CNN Reports Malaysia Airline Flight 17 was Shot Down by Missing Malaysia Airline Flight 370﻿July 21, 2014 - Last Thursday, Malaysia Airline Flight 17, flying from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur, was shot down over Donetsk in Ukraine, claiming the lives of its 298 passengers. While evidence and the international community all point to Russian separatists as the culprits, CNN has officially reported their discovery that the jet was attacked by the radicalized passengers of Malaysia Airline Flight 370, following on from its mysterious disappearance in March.

﻿God Appears Over Jerusalem to Retrieve Misplaced Keys﻿July 16, 2014 – In an unanticipated but blessed spectacle of divine rummaging, the hand of God appeared above Jerusalem early Wednesday and began frantically lifting up rooftops and digging in alleyways. Seemingly uninterested in idle chitchat, the booming voice of the Lord explained that He just wanted to grab His keys and be on His holy way.

﻿Man Solves Israeli-Palestinian Conflict with Brilliant Meat Lover's Pizza Analogy﻿July 7, 2014 – While dining at a local Pizza Hut with friends this afternoon, 29-year-old Jared Meisner drew comparison between the decades-old conflict between the states of Israel and Palestine and the toppings of the party's large Meat Lover's Pizza, causing a seismic shift in the region which led to a full cease in hostilities, as well as worldwide support for a two-state solution.

﻿Lots of Americans Not Sure Why Some Americans Mad at Belgium﻿July 3, 2014 - Drawing data from a handful of urban and rural centers across the country, a new national poll shows that the average American citizen, aged 15-79, is completely baffled as to why a diminutive handful of his or her friends is upset at the nation of Belgium, with whom the United States holds tenuous ties.

﻿Viewers Sick of Waiting for Queen Elizabeth to Invade Spain﻿June 29, 2014 - Long-time viewers and devoted fans of Britain's royal family now confess, at the tail end of another spring season, that they are annoyed with Queen Elizabeth II for not yet invading Spain, even though she's been saying she would for years.

﻿﻿Historical Scholars Claim Jewish Registration in Ukraine Reminiscent of Mutant Registration in X-Men #181﻿﻿April 17, 2014 - This week's incident in Donetsk, Ukraine, wherein hooded men outside a synagogue handed out leaflets to local Jewish citizens regarding their supposed need to register with state officials, has raised hackles in the international community. In the wake of the event, historians and scholars of global politics have cited the parallels with perhaps the most widely regarded example of state discrimination, namely the introduction of the Mutant Registration Act (MRA) in Uncanny X-Men #181.