Diagnosis?

I recently had some emotional trauma in the past few months. I've been working hard to get over it and though I'm sort of selfish on days I feel more down, I am more or less normal...I think?

During the nights, the past two weeks I've talked out loud and had conversations (I was doing this purposely, I think) with an 'old friend', as if he were there beside me, while lying in bed for several hours at night. I'll get worked up and start crying, then be really exhausted and either repeat the process of talking + crying or pass out (not literally, but..fall asleep) afterward.

In the past three months, I've had about 5-7 occasions while dealing with my close friends/family where I got extremely angry and scream/belittle them, and then feel helpless, useless, and beg the person I'm talking to to come back and hug me and tell me they forgive me. During those points, time seems to extend tenfold, but it's really only a matter of minutes. Also during these points, I feel completely out of control...I'll pick up scissors, start massively scratching myself, and just try to hurt myself while begging the person to help me. I distinctly remember the same thought "I want to kill myself" going through my head a thousand times in my head, and then slowly disappearing as my mother came to give me a hug and calm me down.

The last time the begging/helplessness issue happened was about a month ago. But the talking while I lie in bed is becoming a habit for me now. Is this...anything? I'm not comfortable talking about the 'emotional trauma' that happened to me, but...something like this has never happened to me before. Any thoughts at all are appreciated.

/r/depression isn't really a place to get a diagnosis for anything, but some of the behaviors you've mentioned are concerning (thoughts of suicide/self harm) while others don't seem that out of the ordinary (thinking about what you'd say to someone who isn't there or exploding at someone because you're under a lot of stress and then feeling remorseful). At the very least it sounds like you're going through some rough emotional things which a counselor or therapist could help you get through more easily, while helping you to diminish unwanted or harmful behaviors, so my suggestion would be to find one. Best of luck.

Yeah, getting worked up like that at night is an easy way of getting some things out of your system quick, but nothing will change. Whatever it is those conversations are about, you are already finding yourself capable of talking about them. All you need to do now is make sure you're heard! Find someone close (or, if you can really pinpoint a particular subject in what troubles you, that person) and confront them that you want to have a talk. Make clear you're not happy, but stay calm, and offer them the option of picking another time. You're not happy with the situation, make sure you can work on the situation!

In those 'occasions' you probably had a reason to get angry, maybe even as a simple defense or counter against something they said or did. If you can pin down why you're trying to defend, call them out on it! You'll probably only realize what caused you to get in that situation after the fact, just make sure you do understand why it happened. Prepare yourself for the next time such a situation comes up!

I took the liberty of looking at your last few posts and saw you're in college. If all this feels to overwhelming, or you really don't like the idea of confronting people like this, talk to somebody there. I'm willing to bet your college has counselors who work confidentially and for a very low fee, if not flat out for free. You said you're not comfortable talking about it, but you are talking! So make sure you're not just telling it yourself, let others hear it and help you give some perspective on it.