“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.” - Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:in mountain clefts and chasms,loud gush the streamlets,but great rivers flow silently.- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Relax Don, you haven't let anyone down! 52 days is a pretty awesome effort.We all fall down and then get up again, fall down and get up.Be easy on yourself.With metta,

Ben

“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.” - Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:in mountain clefts and chasms,loud gush the streamlets,but great rivers flow silently.- Sutta Nipata 3.725

dhamma_newb wrote:52 days and I relapsed. I don't think I can do this alone and I think I need professional help. I am sorry to all those that I have let down.

Beating yourself up can be a lot worse than watching porn.So, whatever you do, don't beat yourself up.Just keep living your life with best intentions, noone can live it perfectly according to the Dhamma unless one is an arahant.

dhamma_newb wrote:52 days and I relapsed. I don't think I can do this alone and I think I need professional help. I am sorry to all those that I have let down.

You are still better than me in this respect. I don't remember occasion when I could abstain from masturbating much more than a month - and that is only because I was on a month long meditation retreat.

Often I fail every single week. Sometimes I fail twice or thrice per day, even when I restrain myself. You could hold it for 52 days.

"Life is a struggle. Life will throw curveballs at you, it will humble you, it will attempt to break you down. And just when you think things are starting to look up, life will smack you back down with ruthless indifference..."

Remember what I said about vows being made to be broken? friend do not feel bad and down youself. I say all you need to do is your meditation practice and when you are ready it will be given up naturally and without struggle .

52 days and I relapsed. I don't think I can do this alone and I think I need professional help. I am sorry to all those that I have let down.

This is a problem with taking the vow approach to restraint when it comes to lust, overeating etc. instead of taking the wading into mindfulness approach; whenever you falter there's bound to be quite a bit of self-blame and other negative feelings that arise, which are definitely not a part of the script. Remember to be kind to yourself. Do you practice metta? The first place to send metta is to oneself.

I don't have much advice beyond what others have already said. Please go Easy on yourself-the time you spent abstaining has certainly been well spent and will only make tout next attempt better. Definitely take up a metta practice if you haven't already and feel free to PM me if you need support. Be well!

To avoid all evil, to cultivate good, and to cleanse one's mind — this is the teaching of the Buddhas.-Dhp. 183

dhamma_newb wrote:52 days and I relapsed. I don't think I can do this alone and I think I need professional help. I am sorry to all those that I have let down.

Hey, man. Relax. The longest I've gone porn free in the last 4 years is like 12 days. And for the 12 or so years before that I never went more than a day. So you're doing well, but as many have already said you can't beat yourself up like this. When I began trying to get away from porn I was reacting the same way when I would relapse and it made things much worse. Trust me I know what you are going through and it feels really shitty when you can't just stop.

You do need professional help. But there was no more professional at control then the Buddha. But you have to be patient. You've imbedded porn into your life to certain degree.

I came up with a metaphor:

Years back you wandered into a cave which held many wonders. You kept exploring deeper and deeper. Suddenly you were reminded of daylight and realized that the cave is dangerous and has nothing to offer you. You want to leave. You know you didn't go into the cave with the intention of going this deep but it happened. You have been walking for years, so it may take some years to escape. But you just want to be out, your tired of what the cave has to offer, but for right now your stuck and can't get away. You panic and begin to run and realize that you are just becoming more lost. Suddenly you realize that there is a hint of daylight in one the tunnels behind you. It is the way you came from, the way back to surface. Just keep an eye on that daylight and you'll never loose it. And if you happen to enjoy some of the wonders of the cave here and there, so be it, just as long as you're on your way out.

Hey Don!Sorry to hear that. But don't take it so serious! 52 days, that's a lot. I'm really grateful that you started this thread, because for me it was a good time and a good undertaking. Maybe I should not have made such a silly competition out of it. I just thought it might spur the motivation between all these demotivating cautionary voices, and indeed it spurred mine. But I didn't want to turn it into something grim.Actually I just came here because I wanted to relate a funny story to lighten things up a little bit of how I got a crush on a bhikkhuni on a meditation retreat this weekend. Man, I have not felt such butterflies in my stomach since I was 16. But okay, I'll spare the details. It just ruins the romance. At any rate, my new suggestion to tackle the problem is to fall in love with a bhikkhuni if you find the opportunity while trying to learn meditation from her. And then you have to seperate love from lust and admiration from infatuation and sort these things out and your interest for sex will just disappear in the process. Or maybe that's what Mara told me.Okay, almost enough silly advice. But one more thing: Don't feel humiliated. I really appreciate your initiative and your honesty. Don't exaggerate your "failure". Just as the others already said. If I was in your position I would probably feel similar. But from outside it's easy to see that that's just silly. I'm sure such a period of restraint and abstinence has taught you something useful, even if you are not able to recognize it at first. And you must also see: You are not alone. You are not a pervert. You are just not an anagami. And even if I don't really know you I would contend that you probably don't need professional help (from a prostitute or otherwise) but you were just exaggerating. My heart goes out to you my friend. I admire your honesty.

perkele wrote:Hey Don!Sorry to hear that. But don't take it so serious! 52 days, that's a lot. I'm really grateful that you started this thread, because for me it was a good time and a good undertaking. Maybe I should not have made such a silly competition out of it. I just thought it might spur the motivation between all these demotivating cautionary voices, and indeed it spurred mine. But I didn't want to turn it into something grim.Actually I just came here because I wanted to relate a funny story to lighten things up a little bit of how I got a crush on a bhikkhuni on a meditation retreat this weekend. Man, I have not felt such butterflies in my stomach since I was 16. But okay, I'll spare the details. It just ruins the romance. At any rate, my new suggestion to tackle the problem is to fall in love with a bhikkhuni if you find the opportunity while trying to learn meditation from her. And then you have to seperate love from lust and admiration from infatuation and sort these things out and your interest for sex will just disappear in the process. Or maybe that's what Mara told me.Okay, almost enough silly advice. But one more thing: Don't feel humiliated. I really appreciate your initiative and your honesty. Don't exaggerate your "failure". Just as the others already said. If I was in your position I would probably feel similar. But from outside it's easy to see that that's just silly. I'm sure such a period of restraint and abstinence has taught you something useful, even if you are not able to recognize it at first. And you must also see: You are not alone. You are not a pervert. You are just not an anagami. And even if I don't really know you I would contend that you probably don't need professional help (from a prostitute or otherwise) but you were just exaggerating. My heart goes out to you my friend. I admire your honesty.

I like this story about the Bhikkuni hehe, I have noticed myself that I seem to always have a "retreat crush"(ie one girl at the retreat I somehow deam "the best one in the bunch" for me.. which becomes an interesting object of observation into not only lust and love but also judgement and categorization.. which is all just fancier words for saying greed, hatred, and delusion hehe. I rarely if ever talk to them, most of the time I don't even remember their name and never see them again, but they are part of my practice and training so I don't down myself or say stuff like " omg your supposed to be totally thinking about meditation" etc etc.. to me that is actually bringing the mind down the wrong path, instead of just observing things objectively without judgement.

I've tried and failed many times, just keep at it. Someone once said life is a series of mistakes, you have no choice but to screw up. The more you try the easier it becomes, you just have to keep nipping lust at the bud, don't let it develop/cultivate in the mind and it won't spill out into action (of course easier said than done).

I like your post, Moth. I also relapsed (after about 10 days or so), but I'm still practicing. But I expected this, so for me it is not a problem. I didn't expect to change something that is so strong within a single try.