Monday, May 5, 2014

Riding Connected: Smart phones, dumb bicycles.

Or, if you prefer, please feel free to wait for us to finish paving in our lushly-appointed pop-up lounge:

I chose the latter, so feel free to drop by and say hello at any point during the next two weeks. Put your feet up and stay awhile. We can order a pizza!

Meanwhile, if people don't stop trying to "simplify" the goddamn bicycle I give it a few more years before people abandon them altogether, because if I were a novice cyclist and all that was available to me was crap like this I'd make the logical choice and say, "Fuck it, I'm leasing a Hyundai."

"Nothing compares to the simple pleasure of a bike ride," the video begins:

Yet for some reason they seem to have decided "Screw that," and instead come up with this complicated and impractical"connected" bike that starts at $1,049 and is made out of plastic:

So how do you ride a connected bike, and how does it simplify cycling?

Well, first you "portage" it from the drive side and ruin your shirt:

(Guess they're trying to push that crabon belt drive "stretch goal.")

Then, you take your smartphone out of your khakis:

And proceed to open the "Ride Planner:"

Because you need all the help you can get in order to ride your plastic bicycle in beautiful weather for about eight (8) blocks:

Once you're rolling, little lights on your minimal crabon handlebar tell you which way to turn, because you're an idiot:

Also, the bicycle has "blind spot detection," which looks suspiciously like a "rider flatulence alert:"

"Blind spot detection" is crucial on a connected bike, because if you're dumb enough to need directions from your handlebars to undertake a 10 minute trip, you're also the sort of Pavlovian putz who will initiate a turn the very instant the green light starts blinking--at which point your cockpit will start to vibrate in warning:

Ironically, the bicycle industry has spent years trying to convince us that we need crabon components in order to eliminate vibration, and now these geniuses are telling us the exact opposite.

Who do I believe???

Even more ironically, while this connected bike will plan your ride, give you directions, alert others to your flatulence, and vibrate when you're about to turn into an SUV and die, it does not appear to have any brakes:

Though admittedly they are listed in the specs:

(What's a "calliper?")

I guess the guy in the video just likes to go "brakelless," because he's such an awesome rider.

Anyway, incredibly this doofus makes it to work, at which point he analyses his eight-block ride on his laptop, smartphone, and smart watch--you know, because he's all about the simplicity:

Sometimes it's hard to fish your smartphone out of your khakis while you're sitting, and a smart watch saves you the trouble of having to stand up for half a second.

By the way, I'm no aesthete, but if I'm spending over a thousand dollars on a bicycle I'd at least like something a little cleaner than this "throwing a hot dog down a hallway" fork/headtube junction:

("Hello-o-o-o-o? Echo-o-o-o-o!!!")

Still, that's a small sacrifice in order to ride a bicycle that will use the power of social networking to alert "the community" of potholes, blocked lanes, and other road hazards:

If I'm riding with someone I will obviously go out of my way to point out a pothole, but as far as buying a bunch of expensive crap just to improve a bunch of strangers' riding experience, I'm firmly in the "Fuck that, you're on your own" camp.

Ooh, look, he farted again!

Just kidding--that's the theft-detection system, because it goes without saying that it's only a matter of time before Pavlovian putz's expensive city bike gets stolen, at which point it's the "community's" job to help him find it.

Yes, when it comes to cycling, it takes a village to remain, on an individual level, a bunch of clueless dorks.

Then the video goes on to explain how "carefully considered" the bicycle is:

If by "carefully considered" you mean "fitted by a sales floor team member at Target."

But the very best part of owning a connected bike is coming home at the end of a long day, sitting in your wanking chair, and "foffing off" over your stats:

Wow, almost nine kilometers!

"Totally killed it, bro:"

So to recap, this "simple" city bike is equipped with all of the following "essential" features:

Though if you want, like, a rack or some fenders, well tough shit.

One thing's for certain though, which is that there's no shortage of people who are dying to ride bicycles yet are too stupid to actually do it, because they've raked in a shitload of money so far:

Yay another fixie... Why else is he carrying it everywhere? plus when he takes off at the beginning you see the pedals start moving when he moves the bike. Explains so much. Now if only it was artisinal...

Is it bike to work week or something here in NYC, saw a lot more people than usual on bikes today. that particular area of the hudson greenway was closed for like 6 months and only recently opened back up, so they are closing it again?

great review. Thinking you kind of went easy on the crabon hotdog in the hallway mess.

I perused the C-listings for $1200 motorcycles, and you can get some pretty amazing contraptions capable of hauling ass all over the dang place, with blinkies and lights and cargo all built in. Just sayin. some even have belt drives, some have shaft drives. Holy crap!

Rode through the toniest part of town this weekend, scoping out the water level in the creek for an upcoming paddle. Saw a fine looking older woman dressed in tight jeans and jacket and a jaunty cap walk to a gleaming black Dutch bike with a paper bag and a take out pizza.

No rack on the bike.

She sets the pizza on the sidewalk and puzzles over the bag for awhile, then does the "roll the top of the bag around the handlebar a few times" trick, then tries to pick up the pizza.

Hmm.

Well, she had the bag problem figured out, so she can undo it and pick up the pizza, then wrap the bag around the bar with one hand.

Unfortunately the light changed and I went on my way. Would have enjoyed watching her try to wobble to and fro down the street.

The bike was apparently left unlocked while she did her errands.

She was attractive, though, so I really should have helped her out. Could have offered to handle her pie. Never know what might have transpired.

Hmmm, did I see that very couch while slaying the 5 boro bike tour yesterday? Judging by the teal helment cover of the riders in the background, it may be...

Anyway, another 5 boro security shit-show! I rode the Penny Farthing, and had lots of fun, but what the fuck is up with the crazy police state shit? I can drive a fucking car anywhere I want, but a camelback is too dangerous? Idiots!

Best part was taking a lap of the new pump track (OK, not on the P-Far) in the Dumbo area. NYC MTB did a great job on that one!

This bike will sell. Why? Because people buy shit like the NEST thermostat, not because it doesn't do anything a $40 programmable thermostat can't, because it's all WiFi and round and shiny and aluminummy and you can whip out your iFone on a date (iFone is the new tiny penis) and impress the fuck out of your date by turning up your heat to get her clothes off later, or turning it down to just see her nipples, but not too far to induce shrinkage.

The internets of stuff is like a wifi voodoo doll of the future. I dream of the say I can drop and epic deuce and flush from the next country.

Yes, Euro, it is as you guessed. It can be a very unnerving experience when you come near the places the Hasidim and Coptic meet. It is best to have some sort of warning as you ride near, so as to make haste in the opposite direction. Therefore Haptic feedback is recommended. The discordant vibes can loosen your locknuts.

I had some fried chicken last night that I can't stop thinking about. It was like sexytimes in my mouth. Ate the rest of it for lunch today. You know how mice will ingest cocaine until they die. I would eat this chicken until my heart exploded.

It's finger lickin', finger lickin' good y'all; finger lickin', I lick it lick it good y'all.

The newspaper described scorchers as cyclists "who delight to whirl around corners without warning and sweep down upon the unwary on a crossing, with a laugh at the alarm they cause and only a very slight fear of the police.

Holy fuck Vancawks Galore raised $14,000 CAD for their fund since the post earlier today!?! (This assumes Mr Snob hastily screen shot and imbedded the kickstarter image second before posting). There's only 4 Vancawks involved, so like $900/hr each for the afternoon. Not bad, even for Canadians.

CommieCanuck- The Nest thermostat is actually pretty cool and not like the usual stupid smart stuff. It not only mediates the thermostat settings/timings, a miracle itself when you live with a spouse, but it knows if anyone's even at home or not and will shut down the furnace/ac if not. Ever leave on vacation and forget the thermostat among all of the pre departure details? This "overpriced" gadget has paid for itself in fuel (it is overpriced nonetheless) and if nothing else, has eliminated a TON of wasted carbon emissions. I don't think I'm going to bite on the Nest carbon monoxide detector, however.

Hey, North Americans, were was that video shot? I'm wondering because in one scene we see this huge hill that looks like San Francisco, but the streets look much too clean and civil so maybe it's somewhere in Canadia.

Anyway, the point is, such a hilly city is no place for a fixie, and certainly not a brakelless one.

If you were still unsure about the nous of the creators of this thing, that should be enough to tip the scales. Nice video, but.

Also, I'm pleased to announce the induction of the newly minted word "brakelless" into the Snobby dictionary.

Hey Snob, I'm with Anon 5:50. In fact, why write a blog at all, we can look all this shit up ourselves. Because we've got all fucking day and nothing better to do than to sift through all the crap on the internet to find 10 minutes of good stuff. Yeah.

I have never craved a blog post in quite the way I have hankered for thin-sliced smoked reindeer and bierkäse with pickled beets, endive, and dill crème fraiche on Munzenmaier's pumpernickel, but I have some years yet to live.

let's see: no gears, no rack, no fenders, crabon fiber, and a bunch of connected bs (haptic feedback?) Yeah sounds like a great commuter bicycle for pedaling that 8 blocks in nice weather to a spot you can whack off with your iPhone.

Such a useless and overly critical blog post. Your arguments and opinions are unsupported. Impeccable use of fallacies, though. Don't be an asshole.

Here's an idea: Go write something of value; or, instead of complaining about new tech, go invent something yourself. At least these guys are trying to build something productive and not just working on a godforsaken social media app.

...But, you'll probably just sit at your computer and write more terrible posts.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!