Friday, October 30, 2009

Washington, D.C.--Responding to concerns that the private companies that own the infrastructure over which internet communications are transmitted might some day set up a tiered system that gives some content providers an advantage over others, the federal agency charged with regulating electronic communications put a handful of Obama nominating convention delegates in charge of enforcing “net neutrality.”

When asked why Americans should trust the judgment of a few government officials over that of private companies driven to satisfy their customers by the forces of economic competition, one net neutrality official pointed to what he called his “extremely spirited hat,” complete with Obama campaign buttons and a protruding stuffed donkey.

"We'll maintain a strictly neutral stance on internet access," he said, "guided only by the needs of our ideological and financial political base."

Thursday, October 29, 2009

House Democrats today unveiled a 1,900-page bill to create a largely government-run health care system on the steps of an Aztec ziggurat formerly used for human sacrifice.

The Democrats had originally planned on making the announcement on the steps of the U.S. Capitol, but changed their minds after it was determined the bill would be paid for in part with $500 billion in cuts to senior citizens' Medicare program.

Organizers said the new setting was more appropriate, given the service restrictions such unprecedentedly huge cuts in Medicare would require and the health care rationing that would result from driving private plans out of business.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi spoke next to a statute on which the Aztecs placed sacrificial offerings to the gods before victims' bodies were hurled down a long stone staircase.

"Soon," she said, "there will be some new health care gods. They will be from the federal government, and they will be here to help."

Style Section--While former President George W. Bush was often pilloried for the slightest imagined mistake, President Obama has snubbed the Dalai Lama so as not to offend China, given short shrift to Katrina victims in a recent visit to New Orleans, attempted to block a major media outlet from participating in the White House press pool, and even poked fun at the Special Olypics on a late night talk show. But unlike his predecessor, Obama's managed to make all those things "wicked cool."

"I used to think making fun of the Special Olympics was bad," said one teenager. "But if Obama's doing it, it must be poppin' slammin' off the hook!"

Other former "outs" that are now "in" include signing off on secret deals with drug companies, politicizing all aspects of the government, and playing lots of male-only basketball.

One style columnist described how Obama was greeted with cheers from reporters when he launched into an impromptu freestyle rap dissing the Dalai Lama between rounds of golf.

"When Obama went off on how the spiritual leader of a free Tibet should 'save the Lama for his Mama,' I knew we'd entered a new era of political chic," she said.

Monday, October 26, 2009

The American yuppietariat has long fought against industriousness and personal responsibility, and today yuppies nationwide celebrated the ultimate culmination of that crusade in the federal "cash the golf carts" program.

Part of the "cash for clunkers" legislation, the golf cart scheme is the result of a federal credit that provides from $4,200 to $5,500 for the purchase of an electric vehicle, which can include road worthy golf carts with side and rearview mirrors and three-point seat belts under a related IRS ruling.

With golf carts now provided at taxpayer expense, yuppiecrats are finally liberated from the oppression of sloping hills and gravely terrain that has long "kept golfers down" by limiting their ability to squeeze 18 rounds into a single golf session.

Said one celebrant, "Finally, with this latest expropriation of private wealth, the yuppietariat can free itself of the alienation inherent in capitalism and become empowered to spend hours upon hours trying to hit a tiny ball into a small hole, over and over again."

Washington, D.C.--Democratic proponents of a cap-and-tax bill that would restrict energy production and increase its cost vigorously defended that legislation, rejecting the latest scientific findings and saying it's "an article of faith that we return to the Garden of Eden."

"Opponents of this gospel are arguing the taxes it imposes aren't justified by science," said Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA). "But the bill doesn't impose taxes. It imposes a tithe."

Other defenders of the legislation argued for the immutable truths embodied in the bill. "This isn't about the scientific method," said Rep. Edward Markey (D-MA). "It's about natural law."

Forced by the current political environment to launch an educational campaign promoting capitalism, the U.S. Chamber of Commerce has followed up with another educational campaign on the downsides of serfdom to help make sure people understand the difference between free enterprise and government control.

"We're just picking up on points made by Friedrich von Hayek," said a Chamber spokesperson, referring to the author of the 1944 classic "The Road to Serfdom," and winner of the Nobel Prize in Economics. Hayek famously pointed out that when government centrally enforces economic plans, individuals lose their capacity to deal with others on a mutually voluntary and beneficial basis that tends to satisfy everyone's unique preferences. And when government inevitably fails in fully achieving its stated goals, it demands more power, not less.

The education campaign includes medieval tapestries of serfs following the orders of their lords and reminds people that "Serfdom sucks."

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Advocates of a government-run health insurance plan, called the "public option," touted a new poll showing clear majorities of Americans support the idea when phrased as "magic pixie dust."

Pollsters had been asking people whether or not they supported "the government's creation of a new health insurance plan to compete with private health insurance plans."

But critics pointed out that phrasing was misleading because the government would not compete with private plans, but rather impose restrictive fees and taxes on them, undercut their prices with taxpayer money, and eventually drive them out of business, leaving the government plan as the only one available.

As a result, pollsters came up with a shorter, more accurate polling question that shows clear majorities supporting a "magic pixie dust" option over "hard reality."

With the market for Obama merchandise collapsing, and the Treasury selling a record amount of debt to finance a budget deficit that totaled $1.4 trillion in fiscal year 2009, central banks around the world are increasingly snubbing dollars in favor of euros and yen.

But according to former Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean, "the reason tort reform is not in the bill is because the people who wrote it did not want to take on the trial lawyers," who give 95% of their political donations to Democrats.

Without the savings of tort reform, the bill raises the costs of health care paid by the lower and middle classes and imposes additional tax penalties on anyone who doesn't buy their own health insurance, otherwise known as the "health insurance mandate."

In response to critics, Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid announced a compromise in which a new "law degree mandate" would be added to the legislation that would require everyone to attend law school and become lawyers, or else face the same stiff tax penalties they would if they failed to buy health insurance.

"That way," said Reid, "everyone covered by the bill can enjoy the same unlimited right to file frivolous lawsuits against doctors and share in the vast waste of resources caused by our current system of jackpot justice." He added, "They can also contribute more money to the Democratic Party."

Sunday, October 18, 2009

New York, New York--Shepard Fairey, the artist who popularized and profited from the now famous Obama "Hope" poster, admitted in court proceedings that he lied about an Associated Press photograph he used to design the image and destroyed evidence showing he had illegally copied it in violation of the "fair use" doctrine of intellectual property law.

Following those revelations, a federal judge overseeing the case declared the Obama "Hope" poster a "fraud" and "one humongous metaphor."

Friday, October 16, 2009

Anita Dunn -- the White House communications director who told high school students her favorite philosopher was Mao Tse-Tung, the Chinese communist leader who killed tens of millions of people -- dismissed charges that Democrats' health care proposals could lead to "death panels."

"That notion is absolutely ridiculous," she said. "It's not like the panel's power grows out of the barrel of a gun. Yet."

Thursday, October 15, 2009

As President Obama continues to support health care changes that would dramatically cut Medicare payments to seniors and invite medical services rationing by the government, the White House has become increasingly concerned it will lose the support of the elderly now that the formula according to which Social Security increases are calculated resulted in no added benefits this year, due to a poor economy.

Consequently, authorities are concerned now that the administration is supporting payments to seniors in an attempt to pacify them, and officials are warning the elderly to beware strange presidents with candy and $250 checks.

“We’ve seen increasing reports of a fellow in a black limousine, pulling up beside older people, and offering them lollipops and government checks,” said police. “We’re strongly urging folks to beware these tactics, for their own safety.”

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Sesame Street, USA--As even the far-left Nation magazine calls President Obama the “Whiner-in-Chief” for his administration’s relentless avoidance of Fox News and its complaints that media outlets aren’t sufficiently fawning over his policies, Obama agreed to be interviewed by Elmo, via satellite, on the hard-hitting political debate program “Sesame Street.”

Washington, D.C.--Following a grand political compromise, a Senate committee agreed to a health care bill that would be paid for by taxing the poor and middle class, and in return the rich agreed to "release the hounds."

President Obama promised during the campaign that "If you're a family making less than $250,000 a year, my plan won't raise your taxes one penny -- not your income taxes, not your payroll taxes, not your capital gains taxes, not any of your taxes." Despite that pledge, the health care bill Obama supports in the Senate would impose excise taxes that raise about $52 billion. Of that, about 87 percent of the revenue would come from individuals with incomes less than $200,000.

As one rich person pleased with the agreed-to revenue source said, "We all have to sacrifice for the goal of government-run health care. It was the least I could do to contribute my ravenous hounds."

The classic educational cartoon series "Schoolhouse Rock" has revised its "I'm Just a Bill" episode to account for a Senate committee's vote on "conceptual" health care legislation that has not yet been reduced to actual legislative language.

In the new version of the cartoon, "Bill" has been renamed "Dieter," after a fictional West German expressionist art critic who was played by comedian Mike Myers on the show "Saturday Night Live."

Dieter showed little interest in the guests he interviewed on his talk show "Sprockets," just as the Senate committee voting on health care legislation seems little interested in the actual results of large-scale changes to the entire U.S. health care system.

In keeping with the "conceptual" theme of the Senate's "legislative" process, the new cartoon features Dieter responding to criticisms of the health care changes he personifies by saying "Your narrative has become tiresome," and, in some cases, simply yelling "Touch my monkey!" -- a reference to his pet monkey Klaus.

Producers of the revised episode acknowledged it might "freak some kids out," but they said they felt obligated to present "an accurate depiction of the Senate legislative process."

Following a report by the accounting firm PriceWaterhouseCoopers that warns the typical family insurance premium in 2019 could cost $4,000 more than projected under Democrats’ health care bills, companies are now offering a new line of insurance designed to help people manage the risks of large financial losses under the legislation.

In announcing the new insurance line, an industry spokesperson said “The report makes clear that along with auto, life, and home insurance, people need to insure against the substantial risks of loss under really dumb laws.”

Monday, October 12, 2009

Washington, D.C.--Protesters supporting a "green jobs" program gathered on Capitol Hill today to promote a new study that shows Spain -- a country already heavily invested in green jobs -- had to spend $833,000 per new green job, and sacrificed 2.2 non-green jobs for every new green job created.

Green jobs supporters hailed the findings to justify "an American job recycling plan" in which two jobs from more productive sectors would be recycled to create each new job in a less productive sector.

If the findings in Spain are at all comparable to what could be expected from an American green jobs program, President Obama's promise to create 5 million green jobs will cost 11 million jobs in other sectors, and the medium-term increase in unemployment would be 6 million jobs.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Cooperstown, New York--Following his award of the Nobel Peace Prize after only nine months in office and little to show for it, President Obama was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame for throwing out the first pitch at the 2009 All-Star game.

In accepting the award, Obama said his pitching prowess grew out of his bowling skills, which he infamously compared to "the Special Olympics" on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

The Baseball Writers Association also credited Obama with "introducing Mom jeans into the baseball wardrobe."

Stockholm, Sweden--The guy who impersonates Barack Obama on the comedy show "Saturday Night Live" accepted the Nobel Peace Prize on behalf of the U.S. president, saying "What? This isn't a joke?" The comedian had performed a skit just a week earlier parodying Obama's accomplishing only two things -- "jack and squat" -- while in office so far.

"Dude," said the comedian, "Mahatma Gandhi didn't even win the Nobel Peace Prize. Obama was nominated for it after just ten days in office."

The Reuters news services noted Obama has been president "less than nine months into his first term" and that he "has yet to score a major foreign policy success."

In receiving the award, Obama follows in the footsteps of other failed Democrats, including Jimmy Carter and Al Gore.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

During a meeting on Air Force One, President Obama’s cultural adviser on the war in Afghanistan assured a skeptical General Stanley McChrystal, the commander of U.S. forces there, that she could see no connection between the Taliban and Al-Qaeda, paving the way for the president’s acceptance of some Taliban involvement in Afghanistan's political future.

“But then again,” she said, “I can’t see much of anything through this burka.”

Washington, D.C.--Under little-known Senate rules, Senators can "vote" in committee on "conceptual legislation" that consists of vague concepts that have not yet been reduced to actual legislative text.

Consequently, a Senate committee can report out a "bill" that contains none of the statutory language that may ultimately be voted on by the full Senate.

To comport with the aesthetics of a "conceptual markup," Senator Max Baucus (D-MT), the Chairman of the Senate Finance Committee, led members in an "interpretive dance" that embodied each Senator's position on the provisions in the conceptual health care bill.

One political dance critic particularly admired "the contortions each Senator went through to convey the tenuous nature of their grasp on the significance of legislation that hasn't been written yet."

Washington, D.C.--Rep. Charlie Rangel, the chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee who failed to pay taxes on millions of dollars he didn’t disclose, beat off a challenge from a 12-foot alligator to retain his committee chairmanship and the title “King of the Swamp.”

Following his victory, Rangel thanked House Speaker Nancy Pelosi for “keeping the swamp filled” despite her earlier promise to drain it. He credited the “rising swamp line” with allowing him the extra buoyancy he needed to gain the upper hand over his giant reptile rival.

As Democrats in the House later voted down a Republican-sponsored resolution that would have ousted him from his chairmanship, a slime-drenched Rangel shook the bloody alligator carcass over his head and repeatedly screamed “I’m king of this swamp!”

Aides said Rangel looked forward to moving legislation that would increase taxes on the rest of the American people, remarking “It’s good to be the swamp king.”

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Washington, D.C.--Democratic congressional leaders have again rejected tax cuts to stimulate the economy in favor of even more federal spending, arguing that if individuals were given more control over their own money, "they'd just use it to make origami Star Wars figures or something."

When asked why politicians should be expected to boost spending and spur demand for products and services any better than private citizens, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said "The average American has no idea how to spend their own money. If left to their own devices, they'd fold it up and make little X-wing and tie fighters, currency replicas of the Millennium Falcon, and tiny Yodas made of dollar bills -- anything but spending it on things they want and need."

Democratic Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid echoed those sentiments, saying "I cannot imagine American citizens would have the wherewithal to figure out how to use their own resources, other than by indulging in the frivolous Chinese pastime of decorative paper folding. Maybe not to make Star Wars stuff, but dragons and turtles and things like that."

Liberal economists agreed, citing statistics showing that every time money is spent by private citizens, it is spent on things they like, rather than on things the government likes.

"Consequently," Pelosi concluded, "it's the government that should be making spending decisions."

Friday, October 2, 2009

Boston, Massachusetts--Former Red Sox player Bill Buckner, who infamously lost a World Series for the team in 1986 by letting a ball slip under his glove and through his legs, was moved to tears as President Obama relieved him of his "biggest sports fail" title by losing a bid to host the 2016 Olympic Games in Chicago after an unprecedented personal appeal.

"I want to thank the president for dropping the ball in a truly spectacular fashion that overshadows even my notorious gaffe," said Buckner.

Copenhagen, Denmark--President Obama, joined by Oprah Winfrey, flew to Denmark to personally pitch his own ego as the site of the 2016 Olympic games. But Olympic officials rejected the proposed site on the grounds that "while President Obama's ego is certainly large, it is an imaginary place in an imaginary world."

Administration officials defended the president's proposal to host the games in the enlarged ego section of his psychic apparatus, arguing that Obama's sense of self-importance is so strong it should have "overwhelmed the collective id of the International Olympic Committee."

"In the end," said one Olympic official, "the logistics of hosting the games in a figment of President Obama's imagination would have simply proven too costly when other real-world places were available to us."

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Geneva, Switzerland.--The British rock group Duran Duran and heavy metal band Scorpions are among other has-been musicians who have joined in recording a song to draw attention to the increasingly has-been “global warming” crisis, organizers said. The effort is part of a mass media campaign to boost belief in what have become questionable “climate change” theories based on suspect evidence.

On the global warming tour, Duran Duran will revive the classic themes of its hit 1984 music video for “The Reflex” -- featuring humans in chains and remarkably fake-looking floods caused by imaginary rising water levels – to honor the often reflexive, knee-jerk acceptance of scientifically dubious global warming claims.