Pages

Monday, November 4, 2013

Fall Query Extravaganza 7

I'll be doing a limited number of query critiques this fall.

Getting near the end of the queue. Stayed tuned if you want your query showcased. Participants must comment on as many queries as they can to pay it forward. All query critiques are subjective. And rabbits don't come out of my hat, but I'll do my best. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buy one and I'll throw in a set of free steak knives, just pay separate shipping and handling fees.

As sent to me:

Dear Agent,

Anna is stuck in a rut: the old “stayed at home after high school, working a dead-end job” kind of rut. To be fair, it’s a very comfortable rut that her dad approves of, and that she dug for herself. But still, it’s time for a change.

Change comes in the form of Coy McLeod, visiting Anna’s small hometown from Chicago- a place that is much more exciting than Lydia, Oregon. Coy is as spontaneous, passionate, and independent as Anna is… not. Opposites really do attract.

When Coy gets the idea to take a Shakespeare Festival road trip, Anna agrees to go along, hoping the spontaneity will help her to be more open to new things so she can climb out of her too-comfortable rut. Falling in love with Coy on the trip, however, just makes things more complicated. Instead of having to tell her dad that she doesn’t want to study Business (his idea, not hers), she might also have to tell him that she doesn’t want to stay in Lydia for the rest of her life. She might want to move to someplace new… like Chicago.

As Anna sees it, she can’t make everybody happy. Especially if she can’t even decide what she wants for herself. Luckily for her she’s got a semester left of her Associate’s degree to figure things out.

Oh, crap.

LOVE AND THE BARD is a New Adult contemporary romance, complete at 90,000 words. It would appeal to readers who enjoy contemporary Young Adult novels, such as those by Sarah Dessen, and are now looking for an older protagonist. Thank you very much for your consideration.

Just a note- I've had mixed feedback on a particular line. The last paragraph before the genre/word count one used to say "It'll take a proposal, and death, and a lesson or two from Shakespeare to help her make the right choice," instead of jumping to "Oh, crap." Some people love it, and others have said "avoid vague lists." Do you have an opinion between the two?

With my crazy comments:

Dear Agent, Colon here, not a comma, because it's a business letter.

Just a note that there are no tabs in a query letter. All the paragraphs should be flush to the left side of the margin. Use line spacing options to indent the first line of a new paragraph in your manuscript, but leave it off the query.

Anna is stuck in a rut: the old “stayed at home after high school, working a dead-end job” kind of rut. Personal preference but I'd take out the colon and break it into two sentences. To be fair, it’s a very comfortable rut approved bythat her dad approves of (to avoid ending on a preposition), and thatone she dug for herself. But still, it’s time for a change. You've got the average, ordinary girl problem going on here. Which means you've got to have a big finish because this gets done a lot. Also, telling us why she wants a change or showing what causes the change would possibly be more enticing than saying 'she needs a change.'

(But if she didn't want to change or fought change, then that might put a more unique spin on things.)

Change comes in the form of Coy McLeod, visiting Anna’s small hometown from Chicago- a place that is much more exciting than Lydia, Oregon. Coy is as spontaneous, passionate, and independent as Anna is… not. Opposites really do attract. Nothing wrong with this. It just doesn't stand out much. With the competition in romance, I think you really have to work the voice.

When Coy gets the idea to take a Shakespeare Festival road trip (This is interesting. I'd work on playing up this aspect of the query. Like how does the Shakespeare Festival push them toward falling in love. When Coy sits with her in the rain for a production of Romeo and Juliet, her feelings can't be denied.), Anna agrees to go along, hoping the spontaneity will help her to be more open to new things so she can climb out of her too-comfortable rut. Understood. Falling in love with Coy on the trip, however, just(crutch word) makes things more complicated. I'm having a hard time accepting she doesn't want to fall in love with Coy. Why not? He's spontaneous and interesting. What could possibly be holding her back? You don't mention any other love interest. She's supposed to be looking for new things--wouldn't that include love. Instead of having to telling her dad that she doesn’t want to study Business (his idea, not hers), she might also have to tell him thatadmitshe doesn’t want to stay in Lydia isn't the place for herfor the rest of her life. She might want to move to someplace new… like Chicago. I'd probably leave the changing of her major out of the query. There's really no room. Instead get more of Coy and Anna's relationship in here.

As Anna sees it, she can’t make everybody happy. So dad wants her to stay there and Coy wants her to leave with him? Better to say this straight out. And is there some reason dad needs her there? Depression? Sickness? Selfishness? Especially if she can’t (even is a big crutch word)even decide what she wants for herself. Luckily for her, she’s got a semester left of her Associate’s degree to figure things out. If she's in college I'd get that in the first paragraph. I thought she held a job and that's it. And certainly once she gets her degree, her father has to figure she might end up moving somewhere else with more jobs. So I don't see why it would be a surprise to him.

Oh, crap. I'm not sure why the 'Oh, crap' at the end. It might work better higher in the query, like where Coy comes to town. Why is Coy in Lydia anyway? What brought him from Chicago in the first place?

LOVE AND THE BARD is a New Adult contemporary romance, complete at 90,000 words. It would appeal to readers who enjoy contemporary Young Adult novels, such as those by Sarah Dessen, and are now looking for an older protagonist. Thank you very much for your consideration. (This last sentence goes on a line by itself.)

Just a note- I've had mixed feedback on a particular line. The last paragraph before the genre/word count one used to say "It'll take a proposal, and death, and a lesson or two from Shakespeare to help her make the right choice," instead of jumping to "Oh, crap." Some people love it, and others have said "avoid vague lists." Do you have an opinion between the two? I find this sentence more interesting. In fact, I'd love to see more of this list of happenings in the query letter. And maybe less of the part about her being an ordinary girl.

I believe you've got the bones to this query down. It needs a little more oomph in the form of voice! Concentrate on what is unique and different with the story. Don't worry about keeping back spoilers from the details.

7 comments:

I’m not an expert on NA novels or queries at all. So take my critique with pinch of… well, salt. Let’s trim the beasty now :)

Dear Agent,

Anna is stuck in a rut: the old “stayed at home after high school, working a dead-end job” kind of rut. To be fair, it’s a very comfortable rut that her dad approves of, and that she dug for herself. But still, it’s time for a change.

[you might need to work on your hook. Tell us something exciting that happens with Anna. There is definitely something unique, you may not know yet, but it is there. Extract it out. I see you have mentioned something exciting in your next para. Can you somehow merge the essence of that para with your first para? The hooks are always crunchy.]

Change comes in the form of Coy McLeod, visiting Anna’s small hometown from Chicago- a place that is much more exciting than Lydia, Oregon. Coy is as spontaneous, passionate, and independent as Anna is… not. Opposites really do attract.

[You have mentioned Anna, her dad, Coy McLeod in just two paras. That’s three characters already. Also we have Chicago, Lydia, and Oregon. Towns or characters, there are too many names here IMO. Can you distribute them somehow?]

When Coy gets the idea to take a Shakespeare Festival road trip, Anna agrees to go along, hoping the spontaneity will help her to be more open to new things so she can climb out of her too-comfortable rut. Falling in love with Coy on the trip, however, just makes things more complicated. Instead of having to tell her dad that she doesn’t want to study Business (his idea, not hers), she might also have to tell him that she doesn’t want to stay in Lydia for the rest of her life. She might want to move to someplace new… like Chicago.

As Anna sees it, she can’t make everybody happy. Especially if she can’t even decide what she wants for herself. Luckily for her she’s got a semester left of her Associate’s degree to figure things out.

[she can’t make everybody happy? Is that it? Come on. Don’t use phrases like ‘she might want to…’ Bring out the she-wolf in her. Bring out that fury that her father lambasts on her in query too. You can do it, hell yeah. We want to see how her dad restricts her night outs and scolds her. We want to see how torn Anna feels between her dreams, her irresistible boyfriend, and between those who cannot understand her. Produce that burning tension in query too]

Oh, crap.

LOVE AND THE BARD is a New Adult contemporary romance, complete at 90,000 words. It would appeal to readers who enjoy contemporary Young Adult novels, such as those by Sarah Dessen, and are now looking for an older protagonist. Thank you very much for your consideration.

[I think your query is fine. It just needs a boost of strong conflicts that boils the protagonist up and down IMO. You’ll get there, I know. Also, keep in mind that I’m a wild fantasy writer who deals with dragons and swords, so I may not be an expert in critiquing a romance novel query. Good luck dear :)]

Anna is stuck in a rut: the old “stayed at home after high school, working a dead-end job” kind of rut. To be fair, it’s a very comfortable rut that her dad approves of, and that she dug for herself. (<I’m not sure you need this sentence; it doesn’t add any new information to the query other than the father.) But still, it’s time for a change. (I’d love to have Anna’s voice say this; like Anna knows it’s way past time for a change, only written more exciting  )

Change comes in the form of Coy McLeod, visiting Anna’s small hometown from Chicago- a place that is much more exciting than Lydia, Oregon. Coy is as spontaneous, passionate, and independent as Anna is… not. Opposites really do attract. (ditto with this last sentence; who is saying it? It almost sounds like a narrator, and I’ve heard it’s better to stay in the pov of the mc for a query. Would Anna say this? If so, how? This is a romance novel; give us some heat. Also, how are the opposites?)

When Coy gets the idea to take a Shakespeare Festival road trip, Anna agrees to go along, hoping the spontaneity will help her to be more open to new things ((so she can climb out of her too-comfortable rut.))<I think this isn’t needed; it’s just restating what’s already been said) Falling in love with Coy on the trip, however, just makes things more complicated (why? Show us that heat again). Instead of having to tell her dad that she doesn’t want to study Business (his idea, not hers), she might also have to tell him that she doesn’t want to stay in Lydia for the rest of her life. She might want to move to someplace new… like Chicago. (I’m with Michelle here; she’s grown up, out of high school; why wouldn’t her parent expect her to go out on her own and live her own life? I wonder if you muddy the query by including the father at all; I’m sure it’s well explained in the novel, but maybe take Dad out and focus on her feelings regarding this exciting guy she’s met)

As Anna sees it, she can’t make everybody happy. Especially if she can’t even decide what she wants for herself. Luckily for her she’s got a semester left of her Associate’s degree to figure things out. (I think this last sentence falls flat because it doesn’t up the stakes for me. What happens if she chooses to stay home with Dad vs the exciting, enticing life with Coy in Chicago? And if she has time to figure it out, why do we want to read the story? It almost sounds like it’s all spelled out in the query.)

Oh, crap. (This is out of context for me. Nothing seems to be happening to require it. I prefer your alternate ending, if I had to choose.)

Overall, I’d love to see more voice here, and more romance; a little of the heat I assume is in your book. I love your title, and would also enjoy seeing more about their experience on the road trip.Your story sounds like a fun read; best of luck with it!

I don't read romance, but I thought the query was cute. You used the term rut too many times. I wonder what happened to get her to go with Coy ... was it just him, or did her dad say something? The 'Oh crap' line seemed out of place and abrupt, but I really liked the line you removed! Missing her motivation to go ... her goal is to get out of her rut ... obstacles are Dad's expectations and falling in love? ... Stakes? what happens if she doesn't change her major and goes home ... what happens if she changes everything?

OMG! Kara, it was your query!? Wow! You have a nice story there, I loved it. I'm not a romance reader, but still I loved it. I hope you didn't mind that I called it beasty. I use that word even for my own query, manuscript, etc. just for fun. beasty, baby, panda, and various other funny names. lolGood luck with submissions. :)

Hi! I liked the start even through it’s a bit of an undersell in a way be like Anna is in a rut. That undersell feels like the idea is being over one with the “to be fair…” line. I’d nix it and go straight to, “It’s time for a change, which comes in form of Coy McLeod. He visits from..” If you are going to with an “Oh Crap” ending you really need to spin the read of the query so there feels like she only has a semester left, how that clearly isn’t enough time to decide such a thing. Think that’s all I have best of luck!