Major League Baseball held the first two rounds of its draft on Thursday night, and since no draft would be complete without passing judgment on the decision-making of teams who have spent countless hours scouting and analyzing prospects, while the rest of us have been eating Cheez Doodles and writing parody songs about Padres outfielder Will Venable to the tune of Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball," achieving that completeness means assigning draft grades.

Everyone loves draft grades. You're reading this right now because you wanted to see draft grades.

Here's the thing about draft grades, though: 10 years ago, the draft featured eight first-round picks who never played a day in the major leagues, including No. 1 pick Matt Bush and No. 8 Wade Townsend. Mark Reynolds, a three-time 30-home run hitter, went in the 16th round. If you're trying to assess the baseball draft this quickly, you are doing something, well...

"I wouldn't say it's stupid," former 62nd-round pick Mike Piazza told Sporting News diplomatically, forcing someone else to say it's stupid. "I think it's just incomplete. I think every draft is incomplete. But, I get it. In this day and age, we want instantaneous information and dialogue. But, again, there's so many variables that go into the next few years, when it comes to the draft. There's how guys develop, if they stay healthy, if they mature, if they're able to mature on the field and off the field. There is a lot of uncertain, for lack of a better word, variables that are there, but I get it. We're just going by the information in a player's career up until this point. The big work is ahead. There's a lot of work for these guys ahead of them."

What follows, then, is a series of grades that are stupid, but that also come with the knowledge of their stupidity. There is no use trying to pretend that anyone knows anything about what the future holds. If they did, there would not be nearly so many No. 1 overall picks who wound up as complete busts.

Piazza is right about the incredible number of variables involved in translating amateur prowess into professional success. That makes this set of grades and comments on top picks something to bookmark, store away for 10 years in a digital time capsule, then point at and laugh. Also, because Venable went to Princeton and he is on the mind from that parody song, there is grade inflation afoot. See you in 2024!

Angels (Grade: A): Sean Newcomb (No. 15) is the first player picked in the first 10 rounds out of the University of Hartford since Jeff Bagwell, a fact presented by the MLB Network during its coverage that suggests Newcomb will someday be snubbed by Hall of Fame voters for no good reason whatsoever. That would still be a very successful first-round pick, and you can never have enough pitching, as they say. Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Astros (A): Brady Aiken (No. 1) says he does crossfit and does not listen to music before his games. So much for a Beats by Dre endorsement, then. Aiken looks much older than 17, and he definitely has "The Face," so to see a numbers-driven organization like the Astros pick him, he must be a good combination of old-school and new-school goodness. Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Athletics (A): A third baseman from Cal State-Fullerton, Matt Chapman (No. 25) lists Kobe Bryant as his favorite athlete, in an era when most of his peers would say LeBron James if they were going to name a basketball player. That's Billy Beane going after market inefficiencies yet again.

Blue Jays (A): ECU's Jeff Hoffman (No. 9) might have been picked sooner if not for the Tommy John surgery he just had, but he represented a sensible risk for the Blue Jays to take, as they also owned the No. 11 pick. That would be Kennesaw State catcher Max Pentecost, giving the Blue Jays a potential future battery of guys who went to colleges that make you say: "Where the heck is that?"

Braves (A): North Carolina high school outfielder Braxton Davidson (No. 32) is someone to keep an eye on, as he says that he enjoys catching catfish with his bare hands, and the guys who do that are usually pretty entertaining characters. That has nothing to do with baseball, a sport that Davidson very well might wind up playing fantastically well at the major league level ... or he very well might not.

Brewers (A): Kodi Medeiros (No. 12) had an 0.97 ERA and 0.72 WHIP in high school in Hawaii, which is strange, because you wonder how he could have given up any runs when allowing less than three-quarters of a baserunner per inning. The Brewers have previously had success with a pitcher whose first name ends with "i" in Yovani Gallardo. Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Cardinals (A): Luke Weaver (No. 27) will probably be amazing because he is a pitcher who was selected by the Cardinals in the first round of the draft, and if he isn't amazing, it doesn't matter, because some other pitcher the Cardinals take in this draft will be amazing — perhaps California high school right-hander Jack Flaherty (No. 34). That's just how the Cardinals roll, and you wonder why more teams don't invest as heavily as the Cardinals do in time travel to go into the future and identify amazing pitchers. Hopefully they'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Cubs (A): Kyle Schwarber (No. 4) already is tied for 20th all time in Wins Above Replacement among Cubs first-round picks, although to be fair, the picks made under Theo Epstein's regime have shown promise on their way to the majors. Will Schwarber be next? Maybe. Maybe not. What you have to like is a player going to Chicago with a name that can be said correctly when you have a mouthful of bratwurst. Try it. This works.

Dodgers (A): The big question about South Carolina high school right-hander Grant Holmes (No. 22) is how his mushroom cloud hairstyle will translate at the next level, especially considering that in all the highlights, he wears his hat with a completely flat brim. The Dodgers' previous No. 22 picks, Dave Anderson and Tom Goodwin, both made it to the majors. Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Diamondbacks (A): Touki Toussaint (No. 16) not only has a fun name to say, but a perfect one for strikeout-count signs in the stands. You can easily see TOUKKKKKKKI somewhere on a loge level overhang. It's really too bad, though, that Toussaint didn't fall to the Red Sox so that he could eventually do commercials with Bruins goalie Tuukka Rask. Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Giants (A): Tyler Beede (No. 14) continued the Giants' strong tradition of making a pick when it is their turn to make a pick at the draft. He's a pitcher for Vanderbilt, which means that people will talk about how he's smart, though not as much as if he had gone to Stanford (actually his next opponent). Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Indians (A): Outfielder Bradley Zimmer (No. 21) had an Indians shirt and hat ready to go at his house, which makes for a cool visual, and also makes you wonder how many other teams' hats and shirts are now on their way to Goodwill. Zimmer, whose brother Kyle was a first-round pick of the Royals last year, says that he models his game after Carlos Gonzalez, so he's already a major injury concern. Tennessee high school left-hander Justus Sheffield (No. 31) has a brother named Jordan at Vanderbilt, which is where Justus is committed, but is not related to Gary. Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Nationals (A): Mustachioed Erick Fedde (No. 18) already has had Tommy John surgery, which is why he fell down the draft board a bit. He's also a Scott Boras client, not that Washington has any issues in dealing with the superagent who represents Stephen Strasburg and Bryce Harper, the latter of whom was high school teammates with Fedde.

Mariners (A): Alex Jackson (No. 6) was drafted as an outfielder rather than a catcher, which dooms the chance for announcers to eventually say, "You know, Jackson was originally drafted as a catcher." That's bad news, because those little anecdotes are a staple of baseball broadcasts.

Marlins (A): Tyler Kolek (No. 2) is 6-5 and 245 pounds at the age of 18, so if the whole pitching thing doesn't work out, maybe he can be a linebacker for the Dolphins. For some reason, a lot was made about the fact that he's committed to TCU. There's no way he's going to TCU unless the Marlins completely cheap out and oh, okay, that's why they made a big deal about him being committed to TCU. Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Mets (A): Michael Conforto (No. 10) is an outfielder from Oregon State, which gives the Mets the perfect counter to Jacoby Ellsbury on the other side of town, although he's a completely different kind of player. Every college outfielder drafted by the Mets in the first round — Jason Tyner, Jay Payton, Jeromy Burnitz, Stan Jefferson, Terry Blocker, and Hubie Brooks — has made the majors.

Orioles (Gentleman's C): Baltimore's first pick will be No. 90 overall, in the third round, because the Orioles signed Nelson Cruz and Ubaldo Jimenez, and traded their Competitive Balance Round A pick to the Astros for Bud Norris last year. Instead of Competitive Balance Round A, it should be called CoBRA, although CoBRB for Competitive Balance Round B wouldn't work at all, so maybe it's time to do away with having the draft altogether.

Padres (A): Trea Turner (No. 13) will try to become the first major leaguer ever named Trea. He's a shortstop, and as an N.C. State man he should be well acquainted with playing for the third-most popular team in a specific geographic region. Turner's best tool is his speed, but "Turner The Burner" as a nickname might conjure bad memories for San Diego fans of Michael Turner leaving the Chargers, so it might be best to build a nickname off his first name.

Phillies (A): Aaron Nola (No. 7) is from LSU, which, as Bud Selig noted when announcing the pick, is in Baton Rouge, not New Orleans. That's like if the Phillies actually played in Harrisburg. Will the Phillies insist that he change his name to Harris Berg? Then what happens if he gets traded? These are stupid questions that have nothing to do with Nola's talent, which has led to some very impressive numbers in college. Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Pirates (A): Cole Tucker (No. 24) is the 12th shortstop selected in the first round in Pirates history, joining Richie Hebner, Craig Reynolds, Dwayne Peltier, Dale Berra, Rick Renteria, Sam Khalifa, Jeff King, Austin Manahan, Willie Green, Mark Farris, and Chad Hermansen. That was some really disappointing research to do, but what is really interesting is that Cole Tucker is a member of the Two First Names Club today, but would have been a member of the No First Names Club had he come of age a generation ago.

Rangers (A): California high school right-hander Luis Ortiz (No. 30) is nicknamed Lulu, so picture him in a rotation with Yu Darvish, and you've got Yu and Lulu and hitters say boo hoo, and there may be some time to work on making a better rhyme out of that because, after all, Ortiz is just coming out of high school. Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Rays (A): Wichita State first baseman Casey Gillaspie (No. 20) is on Twitter at @BigCaseDawg16, reflecting both his uniform number and the fact that he is 21 years old. The Rays do not have a No. 16 on their major-league roster, so Gillaspie fills an organizational need. He's also White Sox third baseman Conor Gillaspie's brother.

Red Sox (A): Michael Chavis (No. 26) comes from Sprayberry High School in Georgia, which sounds like a baseball kind of place. He will later regret his decision to wear a bowtie to the draft, because as stylish as a bowtie might be, a straight tie is a much better option when you're going to be taking off your suit jacket and putting on a baseball jersey. No. 33 pick Michael Kopech was introduced by Selig as the 33rd pick in the "twenty-thousand fourteen draft," so it could be a long wait for Boston fans to see him. Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Reds (A): Nick Howard (No. 19) is part of the Two First Names Club, so there are some people who will not trust him, but this is part of the Reds' philosophy, as they selected Philip Ervin in the first round last year. Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery. Stanford shortstop Alex Blandino (No. 29) is the compensatory pick for Shin-Soo Choo, so, hey, no pressure, right?

Rockies (A): Kyle Freeland (No. 8) grew up in Colorado, and has worn purple in college pitching for Evansville, so there should be a high comfort level here. This also makes up for the Colorado Avalanche passing up Denver's own Seth Jones with the No. 1 pick in last year's NHL draft. See what Dellin Betances is doing for the Yankees? He grew up in New York. Draft those hometown kids! Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Royals (A): TCU left-hander Brandon Finnegan (No. 17) is definitely a real person who exists, while Foster Griffin (No. 28), a left-hander from someplace in Florida called The First Academy, raises doubts, even though there is video of him pitching — in this day and age, such video could easily be created on computers, and it was notable how the MLB Network panel kept talking about "projections" with him. It's also possible that as a hologram, he will dominate baseball. Hopefully they'll both be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Tigers (A): Derek Hill (No. 23) is an outfielder who wore an absolutely enormous watch to the draft, and he looked less than comfortable standing next to Selig, so he might be closer to major league-ready than most high school prospects. He also might not be, because he is a high school outfielder who will need time to develop his hitting ability. That latter piece of information probably is more important, but don't discount how cool that watch looked.

Twins (A): Nick Gordon (No. 5) is Tom Gordon's son and Dee Gordon's brother, and he's from Windermere, Fla., which is where they always say Tiger Woods is from when he gets to the first tee. Does any of that mean anything? No, but after he was picked, Gordon said he thought he would text his grandmother. Anyone with a texting granny gets big-time bonus points.

White Sox (A): The get-to-know-you feature on MLB Network for Carlos Rodon (No. 3) included him talking about his love of karaoke, and starting to sing "New York, New York." Learning curve ahead includes the lyrics to "My Kind Of Town," but he's already in the ballpark with Sinatra, and his stirrup game is better than 99 percent of major leaguers. He was the only draft prospect anyone had heard of a month ago, so getting him at No. 3 is a coup. Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.

Yankees (A): Without a first-round pick after their winter spending spree on free agents who received qualifying offers from other clubs, the Yankees seized on the spirit of the Rangers' Stanley Cup run by picking Jacob Lindgren, who sounds like he should be a second-line right winger but actually is a left-hander from Mississippi State, at No. 55. If you Google him, but accidentally mess up his name because you've been watching the MLB draft for four hours, you will find that Jakob Lindberg is an accomplished lutenist and also a 61-year-old Swede, and that his name is actually spelled Jakob, and then you will be very confused but have a fun idea about what Lindgren's entrance music should be. Hopefully he'll be able to avoid Tommy John surgery.