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Monday, November 16, 2009

I have come out to my wife!

I don’t know where I got the guts from, but on the way home from where we spent Shabbos, while the kids were sleeping in the back, I told my wife about my beliefs about Torah (man-made) and God (I don’t believe in the God of the Torah but I do believe in some Higher Power (the way Einstein and Spinoza did).

And I really wasn’t ready for my wife’s understanding reaction: She confided with me that she has also recently been bothered by the fact that she does many things only because she is afraid of other people. She strongly believes in Judaism and that Hashem has a hand in everything, but it appears she could definitely handle living a lighter version of Judaism on the long term and that she could live with such a husband. She did say that she was a bit sad about me not sharing my feelings with her beforehand.

I assured her that I do not intend to ruin our marriage or to rock the boat with the outside world in the meantime. And that I would like to spend much more time reading up about all sorts of things. But that on the long term this will affect who we are friends with, where we send our kids to school, etc. And that I would try to be more open to her.

We did not manage to talk for too long and we will definitely continue this discussion for many sessions. But the assurance that my wife showed full understanding and that she was even willing to takes things a little more relaxed really did wonders for our relationship.

That's very good to hear. This seems like a common pattern when people come out about their doubts. Their loved ones are often more upset by the lack of prior discussion than the change in beliefs. This isn't always the case but it seems to be the case more often than not.

Joshua: >This seems like a common pattern when people come out about their doubts. Their loved ones are often more upset by the lack of prior discussion than the change in beliefs.

I would say they're generally not surprised. And i don't think they're necessarily upset. When I came out to my father, he seemed less surprised that I didn't believe, but more surprised that I admitted to him, and maybe even to myself. I think it's a major struggle to leave (whether in heart or in practice) with your life intact, as opposed to leaving your sanity behind. Whether you stay or go, it is an emotionally draining experience. Especially if you have the misfortune of dealing with "representatives" of the relgigion, such as Garnel, who will do everything in their power to destroy your life as much as possible. It's not enough that you disagree intellectually. they have to debase you and scrape any shred of dignity you may have, in order to protect their obscene cult. Think Mafia, or Nazis, to be more precise.

Actually, I could have predicted her reaction. I don't think she wanted to ruin the marriage, and ruin the kids lives over something of such a non-issue as this. I guess now you can get back to facebooking after dark on fridays :)

If she wants a lughter form of Judaism, this may a great oppurtunity to leave Orthodoxy (how old are your kids (you don't have to tell if you don't want to), do they know the concept of the different factions of Judaism?

This reminds me of the relationship I have with my boyfriend - he's relatively frum (though he does ask questions and has his doubts) and I'm not frum at all.

He knows it, too, and it doesn't upset him. He knows that I do Jewish things mainly because they give me pleasure, and that if we ever end up together we will probably have a relatively Jewish home life.

That's good enough for him - and for me. And really, if one can't be honest with his spouse/lover/partner/whatever, who is there to be honest with?