I'm upset!!!!!

Just got a call from Melissa who was half crying. She has been kicked out of the dorm hall because of the disorderly conduct ticket in December and has been told she has to move to a dorm on the other side of campus. She is banned from her present hall and if found in it, she will be issued a trespassing ticket. She has to take an online anger management class for $15. She has to do 10 hours of community service at the college which they said would be assisting the janitor.

She said she wants to move home and commute. Then she said maybe she doesn't want to go to school at all anymore or just take the semester off. Then she said she wants to go back to the first college she was at (4-1/2 hours away). Then she said she doesn't know if she wants to work with people or animals; she'd really like to work with both. She is confused.

She said Brandon's only consequence is that he is on probation in the hall. She cried that she will only be able to see him on weekends. (doesn't she get it through her head that he will still only see her IF and WHEN he wants to??)

She said they are making her move to the other dorm by Thursday and that they told her she could not move home until she moved to the other dorm. That does not make sense at all. They said she MIGHT get back her room money. If not, THAT is going to make ME mad. It also makes me mad that they didn't tell her she had to move before winter break when it would have been easier to move.

I remained calm on the phone--don't know how I did it. I told her to try to stay calm. She said she needed to eat something and couldn't go to her first class and then she had to try to take care of the paperwork for the hall change. I told her to go eat something and think about going to the other 2 classes and worry about the paperwork tomorrow morning. I told her to try not to think of everything that's happening right now and wait until later today when she is alone in her room.

I also told her that if she does drop out of school, she needs to get a full-time job.

by the way, the dog kennel place called her today to set up an interview, and she has plans to call the horse hospital later today.

I was so happy that she was going back to school and now this happens. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif
Sue

Sorry this isn't easy, but moving to another dorm away from Brandon is probably a good thing, though she isn't seeing it that way. Sounds like she is basing much to much of her life on where he is and what he's doing.

Mellissa is twenty one. It sounds to me like she is telling you just enough of the story to confuse and make you angry.

I agree with the others of us.

"Melissa, moving home is not an option."

If you go to PE archives, there is a posting (oddly enough Melissa, about ME!!!) in which those who had been fighting this battle longer than I had at that time provided me with answers to the things my difficult child was throwing at me to keep me unbalanced and so, unable to respond appropriately.

Go there, Sue.

Battling a difficult child is like a war. Their objective is to keep you off balance and on their side so they can get you to do what they want.

They do not care what this costs us in grief or chaos or money.

For now, remember simple phrases that will work in almost any situation: "I'm sorry that's happening honey, but I know you will be able to work it out." or "Your father and I have decided moving home is no longer an option for you, Melissa ~ not unless we see (and then, state whatever your expectations are).

The other thing you might tell Melissa is that these are the consequences for her actions in the real world. If she can accept and learn from them, she can grow through this. If all she is going to do is fixate on some male and cry "foul" she will not be able to move on.

I believe that you should tell her that moving home is not an option. She chose the behavior that got her into this. The consequences that we face for our choices are sometimes painful. Just because she doesn't like them doesn't mean she gets to call the shots. If she wants to quit school, then she needs to move out on her own. Don't let her manipulate you into having her way. My difficult child did that for years.
Try be redirected her to see this as a postive move. She will be away from Brandon. (Absence makes the heart...) She will have a chance to meet new people.

I'm sorry you're upset, Sue. It does truly seem that Melissa is being made to face the consequences of HER behavior. (Not Brandon's behavior, HERS) I understand it's knee-jerk reaction, but take Brandon right out of this equation. He only muddles things! Who cares what his consequences are!

I know over winter break you shared with us that you believe Melissa is unable to provide for herself, has some emotional issues and wouldn't be able to cope in the "real" world.

So, here we are. 1. She moves to a different dorm 2. She moves home & commutes, or 3. She moves home & drops out.

I like the fact that you told her if she drops out she has to get a full-time job. I'd push for #1 or #2 first, tho.

I hope things can calm down. I think you gave her good advice on the phone today!

Sounds to me like she's having a regular old temper tantrum. Consequences have been put in place and she doesn't like them. I would not let her run away from this. I too think telling her coming home is not an option and she must stay and finish out the semester and make restitution as ordered. It will probably help her in the long run.

Sue - I'm sorry you are upset and I'm also sorry Melissa is not doing the right thing. However, in my humble opinion, coming home should not be an option - unless she has a fulltime job and pays rent. Good luck - these kids would strain the patience of Job - one of my mother's favorite sayings.

I too have to wonder how much info Melissa has left out. I'm wondering how much of this she knew before break but neglected to tell you, or even believe they'd really make her do it. Not that it really matters. If it were me, I'd put my foot down and let her know she's 21 and moving home is not an option.

My mother in law, bless her heart, let my husband run home whenever he got himself into a mess. Later it continued with a wife and kids in tow. Til I put a stop to it by telling her to never offer again, period. Honestly, this was the only way to get husband to stop expecting his Mom to fix his problems. If I hadn't gotten fed up (although I appreciated what she did for us) he'd still be doing it.

husband has given me a valuable lesson with my kids. Once they're out of my house, they're out. Period. From that moment on you're an adult. (also my grandma's motto) I'm scared to death if I did any less, I'd have another husband on my hands. Aw heck, I know with T I would.

I know it's hard to know where to draw the line. But eventually the line has to be drawn.

I'm with every one else on this. She is crying over what are really very mild consequences. She is acting like a two year old who doesn't want anything if she cannot have exactly what she wants. She isn't two she is 21. I wold tell her if she doesn't go to school, then she ives on her own and takes care of herself. -RM

Hi,
I'm with everyone else on this too--let her handle the consequences and don't let her move home. In fact, you are doing her a huge favor if you allow her to figure this out on her own. I felt as you do about my difficult child--that she had so many emotional problems she couldn't make it in the real world. She seemed so fragile and seemed to need me so much. It wasn't until I got so fed up and so worried about the emotional health of my younger dtr that I kicked her out--then she floundered for a little while (living in Red Cross shelter, avoiding getting job) and then she finally decided to pick herself up and take on adult responsibilities (she is 18). I was amazed that within a very short space of time she managed to get a job and started trying to run her own life. Lately she has broken up with the bad boyfriend and she says she feels empowered--she found out she can take care of herself. She works at Dunkin' Donuts and takes her job very seriously--her manager loves her and provides a lot of encouragement. I never would have believed that she could take care of herself---her therapist wondered if she was capable of working. Well, I don't think she would have done any of this if I hadn't gotten out of the way and forced her to do it. We have a very good relationship at this point and I get to hear those vindicating words, "Mom, you were right."

Well, Sue, add me to the ever growing list of those who think she should have to stay in school and deal with the consequences of her temper tantrum.

At 21, she needs to be told her choices are to stay in school or get a job and an apartment. I bet she opts to stay in school.

We had to do this with our 21 year old daughter. She would have happily stayed here at home either not working or working a part time job if we had let her. When she dropped all of her classes (for the third time), we told her the gravy train was over.

She has been living in an apartment with a roommate since August and paying her own bills by working as a pizza delivery person. While not perfect, she is living independently and treating us well when we see her.

As far as I am concerned, she is an adult now and needs to live on her own.

Well, here is what husband and I decided together. If Melissa wanted to stay in college, then she would have to move to the other dorm hall. If she wanted to move home, then she had to drop out of college and get a full-time job and get an apartment as soon as she is able.

She has chosen to move home and is upset that we are making her drop out of school. Too bad, so sad. She was screaming at me on the phone tonight with f this and f that, blaming me that she had to drop out. Tough luck. We are picking her up tomorrow.

She is responsible for any tuition/housing that is due this semester that cannot be reimbursed; we will not pay for it. We are not paying for the broken window. We are not paying the 3 tickets nor lending money to her. We are not covering her minimum payments on her 3 credit cards. We will not pay her student loans. She is going to be responsible for ALL money she owes and will owe in the future. She will pay rent once she has her full-time job. She will look for her job immediately.

I looked through the want ads and found 3 possible jobs for her and emailed them to her. The only reason I did that is because I want her applying ASAP and not sitting here saying she can't find a job.

She stubbornly has said she will not call the courthouse to make installment payment arrangements for her disorderly conduct ticket which is due 2/14. She said she is going to take the jail time. I instant messaged with her best friend today who said she tried telling Melissa that is just plain dumb, but she said she wouldn't listen. Her friend told me she needs "help." Don't I know it! (If she actually does get a full-time job before the due date and she wants the jail time, she is going to lose her job.)

husband told me today he feels like slapping some sense into her. You should have heard him lose it with her on the phone last night--that is so unlike him. He was yelling and he even told her that she needs to lose Brandon, that Brandon doesn't care about her, that she needs to get some self-respect....and then she hung up on him.

Nice that both you and husband are on the same page, great that you won't be paying any of her debts. Stubborness and foolishness are a sign of youthfulness. If she so chooses jail...let her. What I wouldn't do is to feed into her rambings and her rants.

SunnyFlorida & Suz -- Unfortunately, we do not have a plan "B". I asked husband what we are going to do if she continues to rage and be lazy. He said we won't allow it. That's as far as we got in our conversation. I'm just so happy that he is on the same page with respect to not paying for any of her obligations. He also told her on the phone that we are done babying her. Yes!

I got an email from Melissa last night saying:

"I'll get a full time job and am happy to get an apartment as soon as I can. blah blah blah Maybe I'll find a school out of the country that I'd be more interested in. It would be cool and interesting to try something new and different and I think it would be a good change for me. The army is also another option but I'm not sure I'd want to stick with it."

husband and I laughed our heads off about her not being sure she'd "want to stick with" the Army. I emailed her back that the Army would be a very good thing for her and that they pay tuition but that it is a commitment and there is no getting out of it once you join. Who votes for the Army? Raise your hand.

We are picking her up later this afternooon. No, Fran, it won't be fun.

I vote for the army. I would be terrified of my difficult child getting sent to Iraq, but I have to say if he ever called and said he was going to join the military I would be thrilled. I know I'll never hear that idea from him though
I love how she thinks she'll do better at a school out of the country too.