Query Review: The Redder, revised.

Dear Agent

Hazel Wolfe has believed that the dark voice she’s been hearing since she was six years old has been a symptom to her Schizophrenia. But now, after years of treatment, with mixed results, her delusion is becoming all too real. Has she been misdiagnosed her entire life, or has her illness escalated to the point medication is no longer effective.

Talon, her beastly tormentor, finally shows himself to Hazel after years of watching and testing the destined Redder, just after her twentieth birthday. Through displays of magic and a daring rescue, he convinces her to journey with him to his home realm of Afthonias. There, she alone will open a mysterious box to free his kind. Should she fail, his race will be annihilated.

Armed with telekinesis, incineration manipulation, and other extraordinarily powerful gifts, Talon must teach Hazel how to wield her new powers and survive against the ones who hunt her, all while denying his urge to have her for himself. But as they set off on their dangerous, high stakes mission, Hazel and Talon’s conflicting personalities collide. And when life and death become a choice, her mind begins to darken.

Hazel will have to abandon all she knows—her world, her twin sister, and her shaky reality—and trust the domineering stranger completely if she is to succeed. But can she? Is there more to the story than Talon’s telling her? What, or who, exactly will she be unleashing?

THE REDDER is an 87,000 word, urban fantasy adaptation of the fabled Pandora legends with series potential. I am currently working on earning my B.A. in English while finishing my next book, a suspenseful dystopia that takes gender roles and flips them on their sides.

Hazel Wolfe has believed that the dark voice she’s been hearing since she was six years old has been a symptom to her Schizophrenia. But now, after years of treatment, with mixed results, her delusion is becoming all too real. Has she been misdiagnosed her entire life, or has her illness escalated to the point medication is no longer effective.

Wordy. Also, schizophrenia shouldn't be capitalized. You can cut the fat and combine into one sentence like: Since she was six, Hazel has heard a dark voice she attributed to schizophrenia, but now that voice is becoming all too real. Soon it asks her to undertake a perilous journey to save a forgotten race.

I'm still not clear why she even wants to help free the people whose representative has been torturing her for 20 years.

while finishing my next book, a suspenseful dystopia that takes gender roles and flips them on their sides.