My name is Lisabeth, and I am the adult child of a compulsive hoarding mother. The take away from my journey is that the hoard is merely a symptom of a life threatening, relationship-destroying mental illness. An illness that often includes behaviors from addiction, child/domestic abuse, and personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder. Stay, read, and please, by all means, intervene if you see a child being raised in the shadow of the hoard.

Friday, January 23, 2015

It has been over a month since last post, and I am still on the limited contact with my hoarding mother. Phone calls from the car during my work commute, 3 times or so a week. It may seem mean spirited to laugh at some of these things, but it is honestly laugh and find the humor, or scream until my mind goes."...[Talking about the gas line rupture that occurred in the later 1990's]... You know, now that I think about it, I think that had 'HELP'." (Intimating that the neighbor that lives in the turn that she hates did it)."I cannot find ANYONE to put bars inside the basement over the windows. Lowes does not sell them and Home Depot said no one carries them ready to install." Fort-Elderly-Hoarder anyone?"...[After mentioning that I was picking my car up at the body shop in time to take it on a trip this weekend]... I don't know, I would not want to drive it all that way after just picking it up from the shop. What if something went wrong?" Um... small bumper repair from hitting a raccoon... and there is the manufacturer care plan and I also have AAA, plus I suspect there is a Lexus dealer in Washington DC. Maybe two.... Ai yi yi."...[Starting the paranoia craziness after I mentioned I was going to DC to stay with friends and to attend the new auto show.] Are you leaving a light on? Why not? Your cats need light! What happens if someone breaks in? They might leave the door open and let your cats out! They would never survive that! They might hurt them! Is anyone checking on them? What if one gets its claws caught and hangs itself? I could rip an arm off! I would not leave my place like that, even if I did have monitored security...." Not telling her that I have someone staying with the cats as my old girl is almost 18. Referring to the neighbors and how 'trashy' she thinks their homes or yards are. Calling the next door neighbor in the trailer a "Trailer Tramp".Asking if I have moles that peel off and bleed... EWWWW!Talking about her nasty, crusty feet.Asking about hair removal on my face, even though that is not one of my issues. Talking nonstop about a free sample of Clinique anti aging lotion she got, obsessing about the wrinkles that 'just appeared'. She is 78 or 79...Fat shaming her cat.Focused on appearance, weight, etc. of everyone around her.She is continuing to spiral into paranoia and negativity. Hoarding... No one wins.I need to use my voice recorder and keep track of these things so I can recount them accurately, and as I have said before, she says so many sexist, racist, classist, sizist, and any other 'ist' things you can think of... It just boggles my mind. And she is like the energizer bunny and the negativity just keeps her going and going. I am starting to notice what could be the early onset of dementia in our conversations, or could be just the continuation of narcissism. I guess when you make the choices she has, and those choices led to such singular and complete isolation... small things become big things, then they become the only things. Sad. I still hope for better for her, but that is all I can do. This is, and always has been, beyond my control. If is not her fault that she is so severely mentally ill, but it has been her active choice to refuse to address it in any way that is constructive and would move her forward, and it continues to be her active choice to be intentionally cruel to anyone she comes in contact with that she does not feel offers transactional worth. Hoarding. No one wins, but perhaps for those raised in the shadow of the hoard... We can recover.Thanks for reading.

About Me

The upshot is, the stuff is just the symptom. The real dysfunction is so much more. Parents who hoard often exhibit the same traits as those borderline personality disorder, addiction, power and control, and narcissism.

I finally am blogging about my experiences. I have met many other children of hoarders (which I refer to as COHs) on the Children of Hoarders website. For me, the reality shows on A&E led me to understand that what I experienced had a name. Hoarding. It also allowed me to understand I am not alone. It also allowed me to see how misunderstood this illness is, and how the kids and family are often blamed.

I grieve for the child I once was, and the childhood lost to abuse. I sometimes grieve for the family I do not have. The family I should have had. But- I have healed, and this blog is part of that journey.

Stay. Read. Browse. But please open your mind. And if you know of a child in a hoarded home... please, please, PLEASE do something to help them. Anything. If you are a family member or a loved one of someone who hoards, just remember... it is not, and never has been, your fault.