Archive for the humor Category

Crouching Tiger? Coiled Like a Squirrel Prepared to Strike.

Ah, the gift that keeps on giving. The guy doesn’t realize that from this crouch his chop must travel such a long distance, and he must move up against an upright opponent, that it will never land. This guy makes the Hillbilly Ninja look like Bruce Lee.

Famous last words: “Oh, by the way, I’m going to crouch and extend my leg, but please don’t crush my kneecap like a cockroach, Mr. Mugger.”

One option is to bull rush the guy. Just charge into him headlong. Even a drunk can figure that one out, and this guy is toast, because his weapons (hands and feet) are not prepared to strike. He presents his side to the opponent. My counter to the side stance is to Thai kick the opponent’s lead leg, then move in behind him to blast his kidneys and the back of his head/neck.

Note the right hand resting above the knee, which in kung-fu is called, “Old Man Climbs the Stairs.”

In his hunched over stance, his rear foot points away from his opponent. Observe how he must twist his foot in order to launch his attack. Hint: Keep your toes pointed in the direction of the opponent. When he chops (photo 3, lower left), his body still faces away from the opponent, which means that his strike is all arm and no body, which results in a weak, sloppy, ineffectual blow.

If I trap/check his forward left elbow with my right hand, how is he going to counter it?

This summer I was on the Philippine island of Bantayan, where a local eatery has a pet bat. Really. It hangs out (pardon the pun) at a karenderiya –sort of a local barbecue joint. It’s like a pet. It’s very docile, and doesn’t leave the restaurant.

Cebuano/Bisaya Words for Bat

Kabog

Wakwak

Kwaknit

Another Pic of Me Standing Next to a Bat and Sinigang Mix Packets

Bat at a Bantayan Island Restaurant. By the Way, What's a Health Inspector?

Where do I start with this one? Honestly, my first reaction was “What the #@!?”

That was also my second reaction. The guy on the left is leaned too far forward, and his hands don’t guard his head. If you were to grab his hair you’d pull him right over. He also can’t land a punch with anything on it because he’s hunched forward. In a fight you will see this guy throw flailing, hooking punches (windmilling) with both hands that have no power because he’s trying to keep his head down to keep from being hit.

The guy on the right …”What the #@!!?” A simple solution is to rush him and bowl him over.

Why does the left hand on the left knee stay glued to the left knee as it moves backwards?

What is amazing is that this photo series is not of two 10-year-old kids posting themselves on You Tube. “Hey, look! Me and Billy are doing kung-fu in the backyard.”

I think these guys need help from a real master, like Ninja Bob. Maybe Ninja Bob should feature these guys on his site to make himself look like Bruce Lee by comparison.

Ninja Bob Perched Atop a Brick Outhouse

On the Black Scorpion Ninjutsu Society homepage, Ninja Bob (founder of the Black Scorpion Ninjutsu Society) announces that he is available for “training, shows, demonstrations, seminars & interviews!”

The homepage is labeled “Ninja Bob’s Muay Thai,” and believe me, nobody was better at Muay Thai than the ninja. And when you say BLACK SCORPION NINJA, now you’re talking real Muay Thai, not the phony crap some Laotian might teach you.

Not only do you learn real ninja muay thai, but you also get this awesome patch:

“You got a lotta patches there.”

“Yes, I do. I worked hard to earn them all, but the one I’m most proud of is the Kili-Kili- Kali International Ass. badge.” Supreme Grandmaster Datu Smith then did a flourish with the two rattan sticks he was carrying.

“So you fight with them sticks?”

“Yes. And the single stick, knife, chain, nunchaku, staff, spear, sword, machete, and 23 other weapons. Would you like to learn Kili-Kili Kali?”

“Well, I’d like to, but things are kinda tight right now. I’m a ditch digger and I don’t make much.”

“But what would you do if you were attacked?”

“I’d just whack ’em with this here shovel. I been a ditch digger for years, and I used a shovel on the farm long before that. I’m pretty handy with a shovel.”

“You’d be lucky to last 10 seconds. You have no technique. On the other hand, I could teach you 17 different defenses with a stick, and that’s just on angle number 1!” Supreme Grandmaster Datu Smith briefly demonstrated an x block, a wing block, a gunting, a block and hit, a pass and hit, and a few more moves.

“Wow, them sticks look like blades in a blender. I dunno know, though. My dad was in the Korean War, and he took out a guy with one of those little shovels.”

“An entrenching tool. A guy like that with no skill and no training is lucky to survive.”

They were so engaged in their conversation that both men were surprised by the wild eyed man at the street corner. He was high on something. His matted hair and glassy red eyes created the impression of a rabid animal.

“I’ve got it.” Supreme Grandmaster Datu Smith clenched both sticks and began to move in close –after all, he was a master of close range combat. He stepped and then seemed to freeze for a moment. “Should I merge, or meet? Maybe an X block follwed by an… no, wait, how about an abaniko to the hand, followed by a…”

As he was debating his next move, the psycho lunged forward and stabbed him.

The ditch digger brought the shovel resting on his shoulder right down on the psycho. The flat of the blade struck the deranged man on the skull, and clanged like a bell. It was a strike powered by both hands, calloused by long years of hard work. He had launched the strike without even thinking, and struck the mad man with the knife a second time as he fell.

The ditch digger waited for the ambulance to come for the two men. The martial arts expert was losing a lot of blood, but the knife had missed his heart.

As Supreme Grandmaster Datu Smith was wheeled on the gurney into a waiting ambulance, he weakly whispered to the ditch digger, “Don’t thank me, I was just doing what any other Supreme Grandmaster Datu of Kili-Kili Kali would have done.” He then gripped the ditch digger’s hand briefly and let go as the ambulance doors were shut.

The ambulance raced off with lights flashing and sirens wailing. The ditch digger looked down at his hand. Resting in his palm was a blood stained business card for Supreme Grandmaster Datu Smith and Kili-Kili Kali.

We don’t study the zucchini, but we have several forms with the spaghetti squash. Does this count? Am I learning real kali? Is my style incomplete?”

Dear Reader,

I’m sorry to say that you are not learning real kali and your style is incomplete.

A spaghetti squash is not native to the Philippines, so anyone who teaches it does not know real kali. More than 2,000 years ago the ancient warriors of Mindanao invented the art of killing with a zucchini. You wouldn’t last 10 seconds with your watered-down kali and a spaghetti squash.