Whilst being in the depths of my depression and feeling the pain from Fibromyalgia, I’ve had no means of real escape, or anyone to whom I could really talk to, or even understand a part of what I was going through. I have been very much alone with my illnesses mentally, physically and emotionally, and writing this blog is part of my healing process.
Writing this is so important for me, and I hope by doing so, some readers may identify with what I have to say. Sx ☺

Sunday, 20 March 2016

Sometimes it's good to forget...

We are nothing in life without experience, without it, how can we grow?

Since the beginning of this year, I have been living in my dark zone, a
place I now find more of a comfort rather than a misery.I found myself fresh from battle,
feeling broken, wounded and alone, the full enormity of what I had been dealing
and coping with finally fell upon me; and it knocked me to the ground.

I was in “lock down” mode, and I was forced to contemplate and reevaluate
all the mini battles I had fought this last year and beyond.I guess I had downplayed the effect
that a lot of it was taking on me, as I was in full gear, ready to fight until
the end.I needed closure.Closure on many things and that was the
only way it would happen.I am
still in that mode now, I call it self-preservation, because I am
trying to preserve all things good, even though I am and have been surrounded
by such horrible negative energy.

I’ve had no choice, but revisit some very unhappy moments in my
life.I was seeking a much deeper
clarity, because some of those ghosts of the past were reappearing now in
present day.All the anger and
sadness that I had felt from those episodes, remain very strong, as they were
times when I have been cut to the very bone, and those wounds still bleed.Those wounds never healed.Because every cut had been made by the
hands of people I loved, and those people really hurt me.

I still choke up, every time those thoughts come to mind, my feelings and
emotions are still so raw.I am
not sure, if I will ever really get over it or finally put it away in a box
somewhere to be forgotten about, forever.But that will never be the case, because sadly I am given too many
reminders, and history can and does unfortunately repeat itself.Alas it’s never the good parts, only
the ones that have left a bad taste in my mouth.

All these people left a hole in my life and my heart, it doesn’t really
matter if they know that or not.But then, perhaps maybe they never understood it, when I told them to ‘never
to question my integrity’ or to ‘take my good nature for granted’.They probably also didn’t notice when I
took my very step away from them, the gap between us is now so wide, it is
beyond any healing or repair.They
were times, I wished I had never encountered and certainly never wanted to
repeat ever again.

I am open with my love, and I openly show my affection, as I believe you
should tell people that you care for them.I find it difficult to deal with people who aren’t upfront
and straightforward, I believe you should “say it, as it is”.

I have been blessed with great intuition, and my gut instincts have never
failed me, but right now I am readying myself for the possible rift in another
friendship.The thought of it is
already breaking my heart, but this time I will now allow it to break my spirit
or my soul.I am too old for this
kind of drama in my life, and I have absolutely nothing to prove.But yet I am being tested, and I really
don’t like this feeling at all.

I will rise to the challenge once again, because that is what is required
and needed, but I learned a long time ago, that not everything is worth
fighting for…Sx