FriDATE: I Love You

Me: I know. It’s gonna be hard, not having coffee here when you go back to Chicago, right?

Him: I can’t believe I stayed here the whole five days. I was supposed to play it cool, stay with friends a night or two…

(pause)

Me: Oh. No.

Him: What?

Me: Oh man. Look at that couple that just walked in.

Him: Do you know them?

Me: Uh. No. But I can’t stand them.

Him: I’m sorry?

Me: This happens to me only rarely. Sometimes I decide that I don’t like someone based solely on observing them for an extended period of time.

Him: OH! Yeah, I think I know what you’re talking about. What did these two do?

Me: You know, I can’t say, exactly. It’s just…. them. I’ve seen them all over the neighborhood lately. I’d never seen them before and then they started popping up everywhere, turning their noses up at things…

Him: You’re talking about the Gay couple that just walked in?

Me: Uh. Yes… Do you see anyone else snootily turning their noses up at everything?

Him: Hm. Good point.

Me: Watch them. They’ll be perfectly friendly, but they’ll have a snotty, snide air the whole time. They’re even worse on the train, when they’re not on good behavior.

Him: This is good behavior?

Me: Apparently. Look at the tall one. He’s the worst. The smaller one, the red head, would be okay on his own, but together they’re this big, palpable, Gay nuisance.

Him: I agree. The red head is simply beady-eyed, and untrustworthy. But the taller one, he just oozes sarcasm and punishing Gay hipster irony.

Me: Yes. Somebody was mean to him in high school, and now he’s making up for it by cunting all over younger, more impressionable art Fags. Uh oh…

Him: What?

Me: It’s occurring to me that we’re as bad as them. We’re being as judgmental as we imagine them to be.

Him: Don’t say that! We can’t be as awful as them. We at least control our facial expressions.

Me: True enough, the taller, more stork-like one walks around all day with a scrunched up scowl.

Him: As if he’s constantly smelling bad cheese.

Me: HA. Exactly.

Him: Safe to say, we don’t know them but we hate them.

Me: Ha. Okay. Oh.

Him: What?

Me: Speaking of love and hate.

Him: Yes?

Me: Last night… when i was boning you…

Him: Oh no. I thought you missed that! I thought you didn’t notice.

Me: Uh. People notice stuff like that.

Him: DON’T. It was a syntax error, if anything.

Me: I think you mean scansion. It didn’t scan the way you intended.

Him: So embarrassing. Why would you bring this up now?

Me: Hey, it’s not every day that someone you’ve known for a week says ‘I love you,’ while you’re having sex.

Him: I said: “I love you inside me.”

Me: You said ‘I love you,’ and then a long pause, and then you said,’ inside me.’

(long pause)

Me: It’s okay. I thought it was cute. I was like ‘aw… he’s having I love you fantasies.’

Him: No, that’s not it. It was feeling really good, and I meant to say I love you inside me, but in the middle of the sentence i got caught up in what was going on. It was just a mistake.

Me: Hey. I am just breaking your balls. I know it wasn’t a love confession. If anything I thought it was cute.

Him: Okay. That’s good to know.

(pause)

Him: Oh, look at them now. Looks like the storky one doesn’t like his pastry.

Me: Oh NO!! His Sunday afternoon is ruined!!

Him: Whatever will he DO??

Me: He’ll have to be content with his own sense of self satisfaction. It will have to suffice.