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Shy Interracial Daters: Are You Wasting Your Time Being a “Pillar of Salt” Woman?

September 26, 2012 | SwirlQueen |

Almost all of us know the story of Lot and Sodom and Gomorrah from the Bible. We know what happened to Lot’s wife when she decided to remain in a world that meant her certain death. Oh, she was on board with leaving, but her heart was not in it. So she turned to look back and became a pillar of salt. She doomed any chance she had at escape and a possible life of happiness outside of her deadly community.

In the case of black women and interracial marriage and relationships, it is very much an individual preference. People have a right to want who they want and interracial relationships are not for everybody. But for particular black women who are tired of being alone and seek out help yet do nothing — these are women I label “Pillars of Salt” of POS are tremendous time wasters.

The POS is lonely and may make up her mind to do something about it. She may decide to get out and meet men of other races but turns back after taking initial steps to change her situation. It is hard for anyone to find a good, quality mate, but the pillar of salt makes it easy to remain single for a variety of reasons. The POS claims that she can only be attracted to black men or that white men would never be into her. Has she ever tried or has she been indoctrinated to think that a white man could never truly love a black woman? She herself may offer up the ridiculous massa-slave girl excuse and our ancestors being raped and all of that foolishness.

Another reason that a POS woman never considered a white or non-black man could be because of family, friends or the black community feeding her messages that she has to remain loyal to the black man no matter what. A determined woman may start to compromise her standards under these conditions and consider men she would previously have never even given a second thought. But she wants to be married as this is a natural God given right and sentiment. This can be dangerous.

For her unreciprocated loyalty to black men, the POS is awarded a nice life of loneliness and near desperation that leaves her vulnerable for preying by vultures. Once said vulture (BM) has made his conquest. He’s gone, no commitment, no proposal of marriage, he in the wind. The pillar of salt will make excuse after excuse for black male behavior but can’t explain why there are no good, suitable black men out there for her.

Many squander their 20s thinking they have all the time in the world. OK, I got that, there is no need to rush into marriage at any age especially in your twenties. Now in her mid- to late 30s and genuinely wanting motherhood, she is worried that the black prince won’t show up. Some may even decide to go ahead and have that baby before it is too late. That opens the POS to becoming yet another statistic and other obvious problems for the child.

Now, in her mid-40s, she still knows she can have a family and may seek out a coach for advice. But this woman still can’t bring herself to abandon the men she loves. Her friends and family have been instrumental in making sure she doesn’t consider going outside the race to look for a mate. Then we see a POS who is now in her late 50s still longing for a black husband and holds out but secretly knows he is not coming. So she will allow herself to be complacent as long as church folks tell her to keep praying. In another day of weakness, she will seek out a coach or counselor outside of her circles. But will she take that advice or does she just want someone to listen to her woes?

At the end of the day, these women simply don’t want to leave the mindset although they know they should expand their dating pools. They will reason that it is time to do something different and even try to leave only to turn back at the last minute.

Some POS women feel it is a betrayal to their brothers to date out. Some succumb to outside pressures from family, friends, other black men. Again, interracial marriage is not for everyone, and that is a personal preference. But common sense reasons that expanding ones dating options to include all men increases the chances of meeting the man who could become the quality husband they have been praying for decades that God would bring them. But they can’t resist turning back to see what they could have if they just kept waiting on God, while taking no action.

These are pillars of salt who stay stuck right where they are, in that detrimental mindset. Most will die having never married. Oddly enough, a well-seasoned POS will show younger black women how to repeat this flawed thinking, thereby perpetuating a nasty and unfair cycle. They reason that black men have it harder in life and give them a virtual pass on everything. The POS reinforces the mindset that a black woman can be used, abused and is the “old faithful” that will always be there to lift up the black man whether he deserves it or not

A new confidence and shift in attitude can attract a substantial, quality man regardless of his race. Nothing is more pleasing to a coach to see that tried and true formulas work for those women who diligently followed a plan of action, attracted, got and married a quality man.

We are even seeing older black women in their 60s and 70s who grew up in the segregated south have broken free of internal strife that once kept them loyal to black men. If black women who have grown up under Jim Crow can date out, anyone can. They are not looking for white saviors as there is no such thing. Vetting will take care of that anyway, all they did was open their minds to the possibilities of love outside the black race. Being mentally liberated allows for escape from a mindset that held these women previously hostage. They made up their minds and did not turn back. These women did not become pillars of salt or waste their time; they are forward thinking and progressive women. They escaped and are free.

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Best Interracial Dating Resources For Black Women

What are some of the best sites out there for black women open to interracial dating? Despite the negativity about black women dating out or being “unwanted,” there are men of all races who think we are divine. Let’s focus on where we are wanted! Here are a few we've found from the BB&W archives.