Value of piTeacher: What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99

Trick-or-treatingA little kid was out trick-or-treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

50 centYo momma's so stupid, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.

MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNCIf my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.

ClaustrophobicWhat do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

Fat mommaYour momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."