books exchange

“I’m ninety but I feel like I’m fifty. I don’t take any medicine. I never complain. I’m just happy to be alive. I tell people: ‘Start with what you have, not with what you want.’ Every day I dance for two hours. And I’m still really interesting too. I love politics and literature. I love the sciences. And I’ve got a boyfriend named Alexander. We exchange books. I don’t even know how old he is.”

okay so i’ve been watching the get down constantly since it came out, but recently i rewatched p1, esp. in prep for the tgd watch on twitter (check it out here to help us out!!) and i have some thoughts on episode six and dizzee’s experience at the club.

- first of all, i keep forgetting that two minutes before dizzee arrives, there’s the scene where thor’s like “you should come down to soho”

- and it’s so wild to watch that exact scene because as much as we joke about it being love at first sight for the two of them, dizzee genuinely had a crush on this dude ( and i think he knew it too) but hadn’t … like, experienced his awakening yet?

- so how amazing would it have been for him to 1. have met his idol (you’re thor? wow!), 2. have his idol save him from the police, 3. be praised and admired for his artmaking and ideas, which definitely wasn’t common in his life prior to this ( i like rumi, he’s weird though / your brother’s a fucking weirdo ), and 4. that thor likes him enough to exchange books and hang out with him? then thor invites him to a party? like at this point dizzee’s crushing on what used to a very highly esteemed colleague, and is now close to being his best friend?? stop??

- he meets up with thor and “beautiful girl” ( i will never forgive them for not giving her a name!! ) but he sees!! thor!! make out with her right in front of him and you can see he’s like

:/// okay

- but then dizzee goes into the club! and immediately you can see him go “!!!” this isn’t insignificant for him! this is a HUGE DEAL for dizzee

- thor’s like “yeah this is where the free people run free!!” and dizzee can likely see!!! wlw !! couples!! and mlm!! couples!! kissing near him!!

- he can see drag queens and people like him wearing dresses and makeup and it’s like he’s walked into a dream because he’s had thoughts about what if i could kiss boys?? what if i could wear nail polish?? what if i could wear dresses??? and so straight off the bat he’s being validated 100% by these happy dancing people and the cool disco atmosphere i mean he must be feeling high as a kite

- AND THEN and then he gives thor!!!!!!!!!! the fuckingggggggg RECORD

- he’s like “here it reminded me of you!” and thor gives him this HUGE SMILE thats so grateful and like ADORING like can you imagine how dizzee is FEELING right now

- then THEN the beautiful girl goes “you should get carlo to play it!” and dizzee’s like “okay cool who’s that?” and yeah its the dj and then she’s like “ya thor REEALLY KNOWS HIM ya know ;))))” . dizzee’s fucking

😱😱😱 does that mean what i think it means?? like this boy???? might like boys too ????? the fuck //????? liking girls and boys at the same time?????

- so he hangs out with the girl while thor goes off and he talks about the performers and he takes in a WHOLE NEW GENRE of art and dance and being!!

- the girl initiates the kiss but he goes in for it anyway and gets tapped on the shoulder

- and thor’s there, and dizzee goes “oh fuck i just kissed his girlfriend now the guy i’m crushing on is gonna be pissed at me” right?

- WRONG

- dizzee goes “sorry” and thor goes “my turn”

- MY TURN

- MY

- TURN

- SO NOW IN THE SPACE OF LESS THAN TWENTY MINUTES DIZZEE HAS REALISED THAT

IT’S OKAY TO LIKE BOYS AND IT’S OKAY TO LIKE BOYS AT THE SAME TIME AS GIRLS

THAT HE HAS A BIG CRUSH ON THIS BOY

THAT THE BOY LIKES HIM BACK AND MAYBE WANTS TO KISS HIM????

- and he’s unsure right? like christina aguilara’s song comes on and thor’s just dancing and dizzee’s like

…. is this real? did you just ask to kiss me a second ago?

- and the song keeps going and thor keeps dancing and bopping his shoulder good naturedly so dizzee’s like “no nah nah i’m not gonna do this what if i misread the signals”

HE’S SHY AND HESITANT BUT THOR JUST SMILES AT HIM AND KEEPS DANCING LIKE

- and dizzee at this point is just like “ ???????????????????????????? IM ALLOWED TO DO THAT IM ALLOWED TO DO THAT IM ALLOWED TO DO THAT”

- the beautiful girl takes this into her own hands and gives him a reassuring kiss, you know, one that’s familiar and comfortable and he closes his eyes and kisses back

- she pulls back and says TO. THOR. “HE’S A GOOD KISSER, I LIKE THAT A LOT.”

- HE’S

- A

- GOOD

- KISSER

- I

- LIKE

- THAT

- A LOT

- AND THE MUSIC GETS CLIMACTIC AND THERE ARE ALL THESE QUEER RELATIONSHIPS GOING ON RIGHT BESIDE THEM PEOPLE ARE KISSING AND EMBRACING AND DANCING AND THAT WHOLE MONTAGE JUST REINFORCES THE FACT THAT THIS IS NORMAL!! THESE TWO BOYS!! JUST FEELING A LITTLE BIT IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER!! ITS NOT OUT OF PLACE IT’S OKAY!!

- they’re both so shy and it’s so pure!! like clearly this whole time thor has had a crush on dizzee as well and they don’t want to mess up and the beautiful girl in the corner is just like “this is the sweetest thing ever”

- thor gives him

- a

- mother

- fucking

- smile

- to reassure him because this is a hugely overwhelming experience for dizzee lbr!!

- and you can tell that dizzee is entranced by this whole situation because never in his LIFE did he expect a boy he liked to like him back!! he never anticipated that he would get to live THIS FREE !!

and they get closer and closer together and in a second we see a dozen people lock lips simultaneously, then the two of them slowly part, we’re left to imagine the magic and the wonder of dizzee’s first kiss with a boy (which i ❤❤❤❤❤).

- THEN

- BITHC

- MYLENE CRUZ HERSELF BEGINS SINGING AS THEY STAY TOGETHER JOINED AT THE FOREHEAD FOR A FEW SECONDS BEFORE SLOWLY PULL APART, A MANTRA OF ‘SET ME FREE’ FOLLOWING THE TWO OF THEM AS THEY MEET ONE ANOTHER’S EYES

- THOR IS GRINNING

- SO HARD

- dizzee has straight up just kissed the boy he’s crushing on well enough for thor to look at him like dizzee is the SUN AND SKY

- they dance together a bit and then the beautiful girl joins them and it’s probably the best romance story ever written. romeo and juliet who? i don’t know them.

- anyway

- i’m sick of this show blasting me with emotions i’m a weak bitch i can’t handle it

i’m just finishing up my first year this summer and i know lots of people are graduating and going into post secondary this semester, so here are my tips on your first year! (im in canada but these should probably be relevant for other countries? i think!) feel free to add your own! (spaces are for accessibility – sorry for the long ass post)

you don’t need to ask to go to the bathroom, or to leave at all. if you’re anxious, or if you need a coffee, just quietly leave without disturbing the other students and come back when you’re ready. try not to leave in an important part of the lecture—you should preferably be doing everything you need to before/after class to avoid leaving and missing information, but this isn’t high school anymore and you can come and go as you wish. (note: if youre working in a lab make sure you follow your prof’s safety procedures around leaving to avoid bringing contaminants out of the lab with you, and do NOT leave in the middle of a test unless given explicit permission by the prof.)

i bought a binder for my first year and never used it. i took all my notes in a coil notebook, which is easier to keep track of, and put all handouts in the inside pocket/in a folder which was more than sufficient, since at my school most of the handouts are online anyways. if you’re more comfortable using a binder, definitely use one, but you’re probably better off using a notebook.

you can bring your laptop/tablet to class to write your notes in 99% of classes. if you find typing easier than writing on paper with pen/pencil, then bring it with you - just make sure you have your charger/your laptop is charged, especially if it’s a long class. but try not to get distracted — you’re probably better off sticking to a notebook if you know you’re going to open facebook/tumblr instead of actually taking notes.

most professors i’ve taken still don’t appreciate texting in class. some of them don’t care, some will call you out on it. they understand if you have to quickly reply to your mom or something (or take a phone call outside of class) but if every time they look up you’re blatantly staring at your phone (or your crotch lol we all know the trying to hide ur phone under ur desk phone) they’ll probably be less inclined to help you later when you ask questions because you were too busy not paying attention

write your name, phone number and school e-mail in the front of your notebook / on a label on your laptop. losing an entire semester’s worth of notes would be a NIGHTMARE and you want to make it as easy as possible for anyone who finds your stuff to return it to you.

before you buy your textbook from your bookstore, check facebook to see if your school has a book exchange page and try to find someone you can buy it from second hand. it will be cheaper.

if you can, buy your books used from the bookstore. renting is cheaper than buying — the buy back price at the end of the semester will be drastically reduced from what your purchased it at.

get familiar with the services at your school. check out the pride center and women’s center if you have one, join a club, and find a community. you’ll have a lot more fun at university if you find your niche and people who share your interests. they don’t have to be your lifetime best friends, but it’s nice to have a place to go and chat with an acquaintance during long breaks between classes.

use google docs or a similar cloud-based service. not having to haul your essays around on a USB is so much more convenient, and with your work stored in the cloud you won’t have any risk of it not saving or being corrupted.

plagiarism is such a big no. your profs will remind you, but if you think you can get away with it, you can. plagiarism gives you what is essentially an academic criminal record and NO ONE in your faculty wants to deal with it, so just do your work okay?? trust me the consequences are way worse than just sitting down and writing the paper, no matter how awful it is

on the first day, if you HATE a class or the prof, drop it. add/drop deadlines are serious business

if you have a few different choices for which prof to pick, check ratemyprofessor before choosing (but remember to take things with a grain of salt – they are reviews written by real people)

post-secondary is an amazing opportunity and as much as student loans and the emotional stress are hard, it can also be an incredible and fascinating experience. don’t worry too much about “finding your purpose” and take advantage of the wealth of knowledge your professors and teachers will present to you. good luck to all of you and i hope you have a wonderful time!!

There’s a book i read years ago called sorrows of satan and it’s really weird and funny (not intentionally) in that special Victorian way and you should read it. But the thing that haunts me is that one of the two major female characters in the book. Read so many novels. That she no longer counted as a virgin in the eyes of God. Like the novels morally eroded her until her soul was the equivalent of having had premarital sex. And i continue to have so many questions. What is the book to dick exchange rate here. Can she be revirginised by reading the bible. We just don’t know.

Can I have a little fic where Clarke always steals Lexa’s clothes and Lexa doesn’t really mind because Clarke always kisses her to shut her up about it when she asks, but then Clarke steals Lexa’s favorite SnapBack and Lexa will be damned if she gets away with that one. (I absolutely adore your writing, by the way)

Sweatshirt

“Is that… is that mine?”

“What?”

“I haven’t seen many lawyers sporting a Mets sweatshirt lately,” Lexa leaned against the counter and surveyed the comfy girl across from her in the quiet of the shop. “Even their own lawyers root for the Yankees.”

“Oh, yeah, uh,” Clarke swallowed and looked down to verify that she was, in fact, wearing a stolen piece of clothing.

The local library needs to become that place of congregation. It should combine coffee shop, book exchange, playgroup, art gallery, museum and performance. It must be the therapist of the mind. It must be what medieval churches once were.

“Did you do the Spanish homework? I couldn’t figure out #12.” Ned asked.

“Yeah, that one was tricky. I’ll help you with it at lunch.” You stated.

“You’re a lifesaver, Y/N.” He said, making you laugh. He looked farther down the hall behind, “Oh, looks like someone woke up extra early.” You turned to see where his eyes had landed. Peter was making his way down the crowded hallway with a small, but bright bouquet of flowers in his hand.

“Good morning, Y/N, Ned.” Peter said, arriving in front of the two of you.

“Who are the flowers for?” Ned asked in a teasing tone and Peter looked over at you.

“They’re for you, Y/N. Um, for your birthday.” He stated, holding them out to you.

“Thank you, Peter. They’re beautiful.” You smiled, taking them from him before sniffing them delicately.

“Well, uh, May suggested them, but yeah, uh, you’re welcome.” He laughed awkwardly and then coughed to clear his throat, “Happy early birthday.”

“Thank you. You’ll still be able to make it tomorrow, right? The Stark internship hasn’t commandeered your Saturday night?” You asked, worried your best friend and crush was going to leave you on your special day and make up for it with early flowers.

“I’ll be there. I wouldn’t miss it for the world, Y/N. The flowers are just an early gift.” Peter said, making you smile in relief. The bell rang and you turned around to shut your locker.

“Well, we better get to class.” Ned said, raising his eyebrows at Peter, to which Peter just brushed them off.

“Class, right.” Peter mumbled.

~~~

The next day, you were waiting with your eye on the door. You heard three quick knocks on the door and you immediately stood up. You smoothed out your party dress and checked your red lipstick in the mirror, before answering the door. You opened it to find Ned smiling back at you.

“Am I the first one?” He asked. You nodded as you closed your front door and set the gift on a nearby table.

“Yeah. You’re here early too.” You laughed. He looked down at his watch and shook his head.

“Only by a minute. I would call that perfect timing.” Ned adjusted his party hat as another knock came from the door. You quickly went to grab it.

“Happy birthday!” Liz smiled, holding up a gift bag.

“Thank you, Liz.” You beamed, moving to the side to let her in. As more guests arrived, you kept your eye on the door, just waiting for Peter to walk in.

“Y/N!” Liz’s voice made you snap out of your thoughts.

“Yes?” You asked.

“How have you been? I didn’t see you at all yesterday.” You gave her a half-hearted reply, mumbling that you’ve been fine. You felt too empty to talk to her right now. You combed back through your memory, remembering exactly how Peter said he’d be here tonight and that he wouldn’t miss it.

~~~

As the hours passed by, everyone merged into the living room, laughing at the current conversation. You looked around the room and you found one thing missing: Peter. You just wanted to be alone. Silently, you slipped out of the room and into the hall.

“No, I-” Your voice cracked, betraying you. You cleared your throat and tried again, “I’m fine, Ned. Just go back to the party.” You said before hurrying off to the bathroom. You closed the door and rested your back against it. You tried not to fall apart as the sinking feeling started.

“He said he’d be here.” You tell yourself hopelessly. You looked back at yourself in the mirror and let out a dry laugh. Here you were in a party dress in red lipstick with no one to impress. There was a knock from the other side of the door and you inhaled a shaky breath.

“Yes?” You answered.

“Y/N, please let me in.” Ned said quietly. You sighed as the tears began to grow in your eyes. You unlocked the door and slowly opened it.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N.” He mumbled, holding out his arms to hug you. You let out a sob as you welcomed his embrace. You cried onto Ned’s shoulder, Peter’s promise echoing in your mind like a broken record. “It’s okay, Y/N. You’ve still got us.” Ned whispered in your ear. You pulled back and wiped your eyes as best you could without completely screwing up your makeup. Looking over Ned’s shoulders, you could see your guests standing at the end of the hall, watching you with sasd eyes. You were speechless- after all, what do you say when tears are streaming down your face in front of everyone you know?

“Cake time!” Ned announced, in attempt to draw the attention off your scene. Your guests shuffled off to the kitchen and Ned gave you a pitiful look. You struggled to smile for him. You followed him down the hall to your kitchen, where your cake was already out and ready.

“All right, let’s sing. One, two, three,” Ned lead everyone in singing ‘Happy Birthday to you’. At the end of the song, you looked back at the door one last time. Still no Peter. You turned back to the cake and you closed your eyes.

“I wish Peter was here.” You thought to yourself as you blew out the candles. Everyone cheered and Ned took the candles out of the cake. As he cut into it to serve your guests, you glanced at the door. Your heart had hit rock bottom- Peter wasn’t there, Peter had forgotten your birthday.

~~~

“May, I’m home.” Peter said, walking into their apartment. He shut the door and placed his keys in his pocket.

“Hey, how was it?” May greeted with a smile from her seat in the living room.

“It was good.” Peter replied with a nod, “I’m just super tired, so I’m going to head to bed.”

“Tired, huh?” She asked with slight smirk, standing up from the couch.

“Yeah,” He answered, confused.

“Okay, well. Good night, Peter, but I want to hear all about it in the morning.” She said, kissing the top of his head gently. Peter cluelessly nodded before heading to his bedroom. He closed the door and took off his shoes.

“I thought I lost you.” Peter laughed lightly to himself, looking at his cellphone that was resting on his desk beside him. He picked it up and saw five missed calls from Ned and several texts from him. Worried, Peter quickly read through the texts:

‘Peter, where are you?’ ‘Really? Spider-Man right now? Not cool, dude.’ ‘You’re in deep trouble now.’ ‘Y/N was CRYING because you ditched her on her BIRTHDAY. C’mon, Peter!’

“Y/N!” Peter exclaimed, nearly dropping his phone. He had gotten so distracted fighting crime all day that he didn’t even realize what today actually was. He missed the birthday of his best friend, of the most important person in his life, of the girl he absolutely loved; he missed your birthday. Running to his closet, Peter found the gift he had gotten you. He removed his Spider-Man suit from his backpack and replaced it with your gift. He carefully climbed out of his window and made his way through Queens to your house. He could see your silhouette as you sat at your vanity. Peter got onto the fire escape and tapped on your window. Confused, you stood up and moved your blinds. Seeing Peter, you scoffed. You slowly opened your window as you wiped your tears off of your face.

“I’m sorry too, Peter.” You replied, making him look at you in confusion. You let out a restrained laugh, “Yeah, I-I am sorry. I just can’t do this anymore. It was one thing having you bail out on me when it was just us studying together, but it’s another thing to completely leave me on my birthday. No text, no call, nothing. Just a party spent with me waiting for you. Do you know what it’s like getting all dressed up, but being met with no one to impress? What was I supposed to do when the one who means the most to me is the one who didn’t show? You were the one thing missing, Peter.“

“You got dressed up for me?” Peter asked in disbelief and you shamefully nodded, “You don’t have to dress up to impress me, Y/N. I love you the way you are. Even now in jeans and a t-shirt with no makeup on and tears in your eyes, you’re beautiful. I could never ask for more. I love you and everything you are.”

“You love me?” You said in barely above a whisper.

“Very much so.” He nodded, “I truly am sorry for forgetting your birthday, not coming to your party, making you wait-” Peter was cut off by you placing your lips over his. After a moment, you pulled back to find him in shock.

“I love you too, Peter- very much so.” You giggled, kissing him again.

I am writing this post to
deal with the misconceptions about what constitutes sibling abuse in the ACOTAR
fandom. When replying to this post, it is very important to keep the discussion
polite and respectful. Please also consider that the trivializing and belittling
of this subject can have a negative impact on survivors of this abuse who are
reading your comments. I would also request that we leave other characters out
of these discussions, especially if they have no bearing on the topic. When
using information from one of my sources, I will use a number that I assigned
to that source. A separate post with information from different articles will
be posted and tagged “sibling abuse sources”, and labeled by the same numbers. I
will also be using direct quotes from ACOTAR. I am writing this post in between
different school and regular work, so I did not have time to detail the
parental abuse (mostly in the form of neglect) also found in ACOTAR. I will
only touch on it and its tie to the sibling abuse. If needed, I will do a post
on other familial abuse later. I am a survivor of familial abuse – both
parental and sibling. Unlike Feyre, the abuse I suffered was physical as well.
When reading this post remember that I have a lot of experience with this
topic, and that others who read it and your comments may too.

Family violence is awful in all its forms, but is usually
depicted inaccurately with men as just perpetrators and women solely as victims
of abusive family acts. This study’s findings indicate that there are no gender
differences related to surviving sibling abuse or perpetrating emotional and
physical abuse among siblings (3). There are three factors
to consider when defining sibling abuse - perception, intent, and severity. Perception
refers to how each sibling sees the interaction. If one sibling involved in the
sibling relationship views the behavior as abusive, there is a dynamic beyond normal
sibling rivalry (3). Intent refers to what a sibling hoped to accomplish
through an action or behavior. When sibling abuse is present, the intent of the
perpetrating sibling is primarily to cause harm. Severity is related to the
duration and intensity of the sibling behavior. As severity increases there is
greater chance that the sibling relationship is abusive. Perception, intent,
and severity exist within three primary categories of sibling abuse: psychological,
physical, and sexual (3). Psychological abuse is typically not recognized by
parents and is often dismissed as normal sibling rivalry. This type of abuse
includes belittling, intimidation, provocation, destroying possessions, and
torturing/killing pets. Psychological abuse is different from
“normal” behavior based on consistency and intensity. Examples would include
words and actions expressing degradation and contempt that have an impact on
the sense of well-being (insecurity and self-esteem) of a sibling, such as
daily harassing statements like, “No one in this family cares about you and we
would all be happier if you were dead” (3).

The most prominent perpetrator of sibling abuse in ACOTAR
is Nesta. There are numerous words and actions found in the beginning of ACOTAR
that support this statement. One of the most prominent instances, was this
exchange between the sisters, “What do you know?” Nesta breathed. “You’re just
a half-wild beast with the nerve to bark orders at all hours of the day and
night. Keep it up, and someday—someday, Feyre, you’ll have no one left to
remember you, or to care that you ever existed.” She stormed off, Elain darting
after her, cooing her sympathy. They slammed the door to the bedroom hard
enough to rattle the dishes. I’d heard the words before—and knew she only
repeated them because I’d flinched that first time she spat them. They still
burned anyway.” The last insult she told Feyre is almost identical to the
example given by Source 3, “No one in this family cares about you and we would all
be happier if you were dead”. The text shows that Nesta had said similar
hurtful statements before, and said them knowing that they emotionally hurt
Feyre. By analyzing this exchange with the three aspects of sibling abuse in
mind, this exchange is clearly psychologically abusive. Feyre clearly perceives
this as a verbal/emotional attack, and the words Nesta use greatly wounds Feyre
emotionally. Nesta’s intent in this situation is also clear – she is seeking to
hurt Feyre. Nesta is looking to wound Feyre for her disapproving of Nesta’s
possible marriage proposal. Nesta uses this specific phrase because she has
used it in the past and knew it had hurt Feyre’s feelings. The last aspect of
sibling abuse, severity, is also evidenced by this exchange. Nesta has used
almost those exact words to hurt Feyre before, and she actively looks for ways
to wound Feyre emotionally, as evidenced by more quotes found from the book.

More exchanges that reek of abuse found in ACOTAR
include, “… so you can have enough time to paint your glorious masterpieces.”
She sneered at the pillar of foxglove I’d painted along the edge of the table…”
In this quote from Nesta, she is knowingly and purposefully mocking the only
activity Feyre enjoys – painting. Her sneering at Feyre’s work also highlights
just how sarcastic Nesta’s words are when she called Feyre’s painting
masterpieces. Sarcasm on its own is not abuse, but when paired with Nesta’s
actions (like trying to hurt Feyre’s self-esteem and pride of her artwork)
shows that Nesta has the intent to emotionally wound Feyre. And Nesta succeeds
in her attempt to belittle Feyre’s art, “I drowned the urge to cover up the
painting with my hand. Maybe tomorrow I’d just scrape it off the table
altogether.” Nesta’s next psychological abuse tactic is to humiliate Feyre in
front of their father and other sister by exposing Feyre’s sexual activity and
trying to use it to shame her. “She added with a small smile, “At least I don’t
have to resort to rutting in the hay with Isaac Hale like an animal.” My father
let out an embarrassed cough, looking to his cot by the fire. He’d never said a
word against Nesta, from either fear or guilt, and apparently, he wasn’t going
to start now, even if this was the first he was hearing of Isaac.” The role
their father plays in allowing and propagating the abuse will be discussed
later, but is seen in this quote. It is also interesting his potential “fear”
of Nesta. This is an example of an abuser humiliating their victim to elicit
shame in the target of their attacks. As will be discussed later, lowering a
victim’s self-worth and increasing their shame is a tactic to gain power over
them. Sex shaming an individual on its own, while hurtful, is not only abusive.
But when the other factors of the situation are considered, it adds to the
narrative of daily abuse Nesta bestows on Feyre. When analyzing this situation
with the three sibling abuse factors, perception, intent, and severity, it is
easy to see that Nesta is being abusive again in the text.

Siblings who resort to bullying view it as a means to exert power, often in response
to the fact that they have been victimized by parents, older siblings, or someone outside the family
(1). The aggression of the perpetrators can be a means of getting
back at a favored child and releasing the anger stemming from their own abuse or an attempt to
claim a sense of mastery over the trauma of their own abuse or situation.
The aggression can also be a form of mimicry that is
reinforced by other aggressors in the family (1).

The
whole power dynamic of Feyre’s family is entirely turned upside down. The
father no longer has control or power over his children, and they are left to
grapple for it between each other. His lack of control is seen not only in how
he never tells his children what to do or reprimands them for their treatment
of each other, but also in the ways Nesta looks to use his painfully injured
leg against him, “His simply carved cane was propped up against his chair—a
cane he’d made for himself … and that Nesta was sometimes prone to leaving far
out of his reach.” Nesta is malicious in her behavior towards him, and while it
is understandable for her to be angry and hurt by his negligence, it does not
give her the right to lash out at him and Feyre. No human is perfect, so
occasional outbursts would be understood, but her consistent and calculated
actions against the members of her family show that the situation they have
grown up in has affected her enough to use abuse tactics to try to regain power
in the situation. The following quote from the book is another instance of her
seeking to claim power from the others, “From beside my father, Nesta snorted.
Not surprising. Any bit of praise for anyone—me, Elain, other villagers—usually
resulted in her dismissal. And any word from our father usually resulted in her
ridicule as well.” Anything that could help lift Feyre’s sense of self-esteem
is instantly destroyed by Nesta. Nesta is almost certainly in pain, and she is
looking to make sure everyone not only stays that way – but hurts more than
her. Some might argue that Feyre is the one with the most power in the family,
since she is the only provider and source of food and money. There might be
credence to this, if it weren’t for two things. First, Feyre would never withhold
food, or money for survival necessities, from her family in order to control
them. Second, it is possible that one of the reasons Nesta resents Feyre is
because she is the sole provider (Nesta could change this by trying to help
support the family, but doesn’t) and used psychological means of taking any
power that Feyre might have. An example of this can be seen in the following
exchange between the sisters, “Nesta picked at her long, neat nails. “I hate
chopping wood. I always get splinters.” She glanced up from beneath her dark
lashes. Of all of us, Nesta looked the most like our mother—especially when she
wanted something. “Besides, Feyre,” she said with a pout, “you’re so much
better at it! It takes you half the time it takes me. Your hands are suited for
it—they’re already so rough.”” Nesta will eventually chop the wood, but she did
not do it prior to the book starting when Feyre originally asked her to, and
most likely only does it to try to curry some favor with Feyre before they head
to the market, which will be addressed later. In this exchange, Nesta is using
what, at first glance, looks to be a compliment, but is really intended to
insult Feyre. First, Nesta offered an excuse not to contribute to the family’s
survival, then she compliments Feyre’s ability to chop wood, and followed it up
with a compliment that Feyre had an affinity for wood chopping – since her
hands were rough. This is, of course, an insult since Nesta believes that
manual labor which impacts the hands is a task only poor people – people lesser
than her – should do. Her belief is evidenced by the perfectly kept state of
her own hands and fingers. Feyre, the provider, theoretically should be able to
demand help from her family. But she at most offers empty threats, since she
promised her mother that she would care for them no matter what. If Nesta did
not chop the wood, Feyre would have eventually done it. This is a fact that
Nesta knows and exploits. That is why Feyre does more than the bulk of the work
needed for the family’s survival. These, along with other exchanges in the
book, show that Nesta is using psychological abuse to claim power from her
family.

Several studies over the past three decades found data
which shows that sibling abuse is pandemic and can have fatal results. One
study found that as many as 40% of children in the United States
engage in physical aggression against siblings, and as many as 85% engage in verbal aggression against siblings on a regular basis
(1). Many factors, such as the severity and intent of an act by one sibling and
the emotional impact of that act on another sibling, is used when determining if an interaction is abusive.
Negative sibling relationships
are characterized by fear, shame, and hopelessness. Negative relationships
indicate that some form of abuse is occurring (1). Examples include ridicule, which involves both words and actions that express contempt
and degradation, which deprives the victim of a sense of self-worth. The sibling who can exacerbate fear gains
control in the relationship through minimizing the other’s self-esteem (1).
Emotional abuse includes numerous and often cruel
forms of abuse, such as belittling, intimidation, scorn, provocation, destroying possessions, and torturing/killing pets.

As
discussed earlier, Nesta is looking to gain control from the other family members
through contempt, degradation, belittlement, scorn, and goading. This is
evidenced yet again in the following excerpt, “My sisters had gone quiet, and I
looked up in time to see Nesta crinkle her nose with a sniff. She picked at my
cloak. “You stink like a pig covered in its own filth. Can’t you at least try
to pretend that you’re not an ignorant peasant?” I didn’t let the sting and
ache show. I’d been too young to learn more than the basics of manners and
reading and writing when our family had fallen into misfortune, and she’d never
let me forget it.” Nesta is belittling how Feyre provides for the family by
insulting her appearance after hunting and bringing home food. She is also
purposefully picking at Feyre’s insecurity – the fact that she was never able
to learn to read and other skills the upper/middle class have in their society.
Examining this interaction with the three factors of sibling abuse in mind,
Nesta is yet again abusive. Perception – Feyre feels the “sting and ache” that
Nesta’s words create in her. She is emotionally hurt by her sister yet again. Intent-
Nesta is looking to undermine Feyre’s accomplishment in killing a deer and
looking to use a known insecurity to hurt Feyre more. Severity – the text
states that Nesta has used illiteracy, manual labor, and lack of education to
mock Feyre before, and this is yet again another instance of her calculating
what the best words to wound Feyre are in that situation. Yet another example
of Nesta finding ways to exert control on her family members is seen here, ““Take
those disgusting clothes off.” I took my time, swallowing the words I wanted to
bark back at her.” Some might argue that Feyre is abusive as well, and while it
is important to keep in mind that all interactions are seen from Feyre’s
perspective and might be biased, Feyre’s intent is also very clear. After Nesta
negatively orders her to disrobe, she feels the insult in the order, but tries
to keep her anger inside her and not lash out. That is not a commonly found
trait in abusers, and Nesta certainly doesn’t display it. When angered, Nesta
instantly lashes out, and looks to find ways to severely hurt those who she is
upset with.

The family environment is an important factor in sibling
abuse because sibling abuse often is a reflection of behavior
that has been witnessed or experienced within the family. The family is an interdependent unit, and
the actions of one family member have an impact on all the other members. Conflict over the
number of emotional and material resources available, and how parents handle
it, heightens stress among siblings. Children are at
greater risk of sibling abuse if their parents are unavailable to meet the children’s needs and are unable to help them to resolve
sibling tensions (1). Experts on sibling abuse
have proposed that maladaptive parental behavior and dysfunctional family structures play key roles in fueling
sibling abuse. In a
study conducted by Wiehe (1997), the normalization of abuse by parents was found to be a key factor in the severity and
frequency of abuse between siblings (1). It’s been proved that
an abused child may inflict abuse on a sibling because they are modeling the actions of their
parents. Some victims of severe sibling abuse have reported that
their family environments were toxic. Wiehe (2000) reported that some victims have “described the atmosphere in their
home as a ‘battleground.’ A culture of violence developed
for all family members living in this culture”. Raised in such an environment, children learn to survive through intimidation and cruelty.
Families who live in chaos are at risk of sibling abuse.
Chaotic and disorganized families move from crisis to crisis, and it
seems that no one has control. Parental stress and overburdened caretakers are two factors that result in the assignment of parental responsibilities and tasks to children. It has been shown that there is a strong
link between lack of parental supervision and the frequency and severity of sibling abuse
(1).

The
father in ACOTAR is neglectful to the point of abuse, which will be discussed
in a different post in the future. His emotional unavailability, inability to /
lack of trying to provide for the family, and refusal to protect the siblings
from each other all display his neglectful abuse. The chaotic situations the
family endures – losing their mother, losing their fortune, moving to a hovel,
watching their father beat, living without parents who provide for them – all
deeply impact the sisters. All of them are hurting, and this leads some of them
to turn to abuse to deal with the issues. “But at least Nesta didn’t fill our
heads with useless talk of regaining our wealth, like my father. No, she just
spent whatever money I didn’t hide from her, and rarely bothered to acknowledge
my father’s limping presence at all. Some days, I couldn’t tell which of us was
the most wretched and bitter.” The losses this family has faced has brought
them all low and filled them with pain, but it seems only Feyre is looking to actively
improve their situation.

Some families promote the development of alliances at the
expense of other family members. When this happens, an unhealthy triangle develops in the family structure.
Triangles
are not always bad. However, when rigid rules and patterns are established in the triangle, problems may arise. When this
type of triangle exists in a family, resolution of emotional problems is often prevented
(1).

There
is an unhealthy trio in the house – and Feyre got the short end of it. Nesta
and Elain are the most bonded, and Nesta actively looks to undermine and cause
Feyre pain. Instead of Elain trying to heal the rift between the other two
sisters, she takes Nesta’s side – even though Nesta is predominantly cruel. This
unhealthy partnership, the support of an abusive individual, and neglectfulness
to the point of abuse along with the father, all show that Elain is not
innocent when it comes to sibling abuse. Textual evidence of this will be
provided and analyzed in a different post. Nesta also psychologically abuses
Elain – but to a much lesser extent than Feyre. This again, will be covered in
a different post. This post has grown too long, and so it will continue to
mostly focus on the sibling dynamic between Nesta and Feyre.

According to the National Family Violence Survey, the
rates of sibling abuse “make the high rates of other forms of family violence,
such as parents abusing children or spouses abusing each other, seem modest by
comparison”. Even with the high incident rates, sibling abuse is the least
reported and researched form of abuse (4). Emotional abuse may include verbal
intimidation or name calling, degradation, insults, and threatening or
completing acts of violence (4). The differences between sibling violence and
abuse are that violence showed reciprocal aggression between siblings, and
abuse was a result of one sibling exerting power over the other. Capsi defined
sibling abuse as, “unidirectional hostility where one sibling seeks to
overpower the other via a reign of terror and intimidation and reflects an
asymmetrical power arrangement” (4). When assessing psychological abuse, questions
related to emotional aggression can be used. These include, “what is happening
that hurts your feelings?” and intent “[insert example from student’s story],
did this happen accidently or on purpose? What tells you that it was ‘on
purpose’?” Questions such as these will likely elicit concrete descriptions of
the behavior between children (4).

There is another source of power found within families –
money and material items. Feyre is the provider of the family, the one who
risks her life to hunt and bring back game. The animals can be used for a few
purposes, for instance, some parts will be used for food, and other parts sold
for money. Feyre, the main/only real source of income for the family should be
able to decide how the money is spent. This right is undeserved and should be
revoked if the provider is selfish and wasteful with the family’s funds. The
book shows that Feyre is neither. Instead, her sisters are the selfish ones
when it comes to money:

“I’d
love a new cloak,” Elain said at last with a sigh, at the same moment Nesta
rose and declared: “I need a new pair of boots.””

“I
kept quiet, knowing better than to get in the middle of one of their arguments,
but I glanced at Nesta’s still-shiny pair by the door. Beside hers, my
too-small boots were falling apart at the seams, held together only by fraying
laces.”

“She
drew out the two syllables of my name—fay-ruh—into the most hideous whine I’d
ever endured, and Nesta loudly clicked her tongue before ordering her to shut
up.”

“I
drowned them out as they began quarreling over who would get the money the hide
would fetch tomorrow…”

Why should either Elain or Nesta be given the funds the
hides would earn? Neither of them hunted the animals. If they weren’t being
selfish, they would be discussing the ways to use the money to best provide for
the family – every member. Instead, they bicker over which one of their
unhelpful and lazy selves should spend the money for their own individual
benefit. Clothing is of course a necessity, but Feyre’s clothes are in far
worse a state than their own, partly due to her physical activities she
performs to provide for them. Since she is the youngest, it is also likely,
though not specifically stated, that she got the hand-me-downs over the years
as many younger siblings do, especially in poor households. Yet the siblings
who did not earn the money argue over how they will spend it. Many abusers are
willfully ignorant of their selfish behavior and how it affects others. Other
abusers, as is likely in Nesta’s case, also selfishly seek to use money they
have or haven’t earned as a power ploy. Nesta, who constantly points out
Feyre’s shabby and poor appearance, has no doubt noticed the differences
between their apparel. She certainly knows that Feyre’s are in a worse state,
but still seeks to better her own wardrobe at the cost of her sister. Though
Feyre earned the money, Nesta is trying to take away Feyre’s power to use it.

Physical
and emotional sibling violence are one of the most common forms of violence
against children and the consequences of physical and emotional sibling abuse
can affect children and adults. Research has found children and adolescents who
have experienced sibling violence to have experienced mental health,
loneliness, psychological problems, and poor peer interaction and behavioral
problems (2). Violence against a child, regardless of, is still violence
against a child, unfortunately sibling violence has been mostly ignored in
child welfare. Children and teenagers who had experienced sibling aggression
reported higher mental health issues than children who had not experienced
sibling abuse. Children who were victims, and perpetrators, of sibling abuse
were found to be more likely to end up in abusive romantic relationships later
in life (2). Both the victims and the perpetrators of emotional sibling abuse tend to have significantly lower levels of self-esteem as adults than do nonvictims
(1).

The
unhealthy dynamic that Feyre and Nesta grew up with was rife with the
possibilities to become a selfish and psychologically unhealthy individual.
Nesta had considered an engagement, which implies a prior
attachment/relationship, with a man who would most likely be abusive. Feyre did
end up in love with a romantically abusive partner, Tamlin. Tamlin was not just
abusive towards her, but also arguably to Lucien. All sisters were unlucky
enough to live in a situation that can create abusers, but only one sister did
not show any indications of being abusive – Feyre. Unfortunately, she was
romantically involved with an abuser, but thankfully got out and found someone
who would not abuse her for the first time in her life.

Almost
all interaction between Feyre and Nesta in the beginning of ACOTAR is Nesta
trying to emotionally hurt Feyre and purposefully lower her self-esteem. When
reading the book, it is important to remember that Nesta has been treating
Feyre that way for years – not just the few days the readers see. Feyre has
been living in a hostile environment, one that Nesta inflames, for years. She
has suffered emotional and mental trauma at the hands of Nesta’s psychological abuse.

Abuse
is abuse. Siblings are fully capable of abusing each other, and do so in
ACOTAR. Nesta’s later actions in no way erase her abusive behavior. Future
actions do not change past ones, but can begin to try to make up for it. Some
abusers can and will look to protect their victims from outside threats and
dangers besides themselves. Some abusers will love and care for their victims.
Some abusers will do nice and kind things for their victims. Some abusers will
even change their behavior. But none of it, none of it, will in any way lessen
or erase their current or past abuse. Some readers don’t think Nesta did
anything wrong. Some don’t want an apology from Nesta, and think it would be
out of character, in that sense, they would be right. It is out of character
for abusers to apologize for their behavior. But that does not mean the abusers
don’t need to, or shouldn’t, apologize for their actions. Or be held
accountable for them.

In
order for an abuser to deserve forgiveness they need to recognize their actions
as wrong. They then need to meaningfully apologize. Lastly, abusers would need
to change their behavior and keep it that way. Then they would not fit the
criteria for an abuser any longer. Simply stopping abusive actions do not undo
abuse, erase it, or mean a person no longer deserved the title of abuser.

Nesta
was an abusive sibling. The fact is that she actively sought out ways to hurt
her sisters continually on a daily basis for years. The problem isn’t just that
she wasn’t unconcerned with other’s feelings, it was that she calculated ways
to hurt them. Whether she still is, or is not abusive is not what is being
discussed in this post. Nesta’s character is an excellent opportunity for the
author to show how an abuser can grow and change and be redeemed.

Personally,
I will never enjoy reading about Nesta’s character. Many of her actions in
ACOTAR are nearly identical to many of my brother’s. Her treatment of Feyre is
very similar to some of the ways he treated me. I can’t read parts of the book
with Nesta’s character and not be reminded of my brother. It is certainly
possible for Nesta to grow and change, like my brother could, but even if they
do, I would still not want to read about, or associate, with them. Many readers
who have not suffered through sibling abuse will have no problem reading and
enjoying Nesta’s character, and there is no problem with that. The problem is
only when readers erase negative aspects of a character, and claim there were
no misdeeds done by characters they like.

There
is nothing wrong with liking a strong, willful, sarcastic, uncaring character. There
is nothing wrong with liking a morally gray character. Or a villain. Many do,
including myself. The situation only changes to being not okay when people
refuse to acknowledge a character’s misdeeds and mistreatment of others. Everyone
can have problematic faves, the only problem arises when fans refuse to
acknowledge their fave’s problematic behavior. We are all capable of critical
thinking and liking complex things. There is no reason to blindly pretend a
character has no flaws, or that the flaws aren’t harmful to others. We can
still love characters, flaws and all.

Again,
I ask that only polite discussion takes place on the subjects of abuse in the
fandom. There is no reason to write words that can be construed as hurtful to
people who have suffered sibling, and other, abuse in the past. Please remember
that survivors could be reading anything you post and say. I am tagging
everyone who liked/reblogged a post I saw earlier stating there was no sibling
abuse in ACOTAR. I am not looking to call anyone out, but only to shed light on
a very prevalent and harmful form of abuse that has been swept under the rug
far too many times.

hey guys I was thinking about organizing something like a “langblr book exchange” where you send used language books to a random user and get another language book you want from another user. I haven’t quite figured out every detail yet but I was just wondering if you guys would think this is a good idea and if enough people would even be willing to participate and let go of their precious old books.

This prediction deals with that “certain something” about Feyre that is mentioned but is never focused on in the first book. It is also based on great personal fascination with the “Beauty and the Beast” tale type, with which I am very familiar. However, if you are not familiar with the tale type or the original de Villeneuve version, this predication could be super-spoilery for you, so I am going to put most of it beneath the cut.

That “certain something” to which I am referring is mentioned at least twice that I have noticed, but it’s probably slipped in other places, too, because it is meant to be subtle. The first occurrence is on page 143 in my copy, and it takes place the day after the Suriel incident when Tamlin is offering to help Feyre write for the second time.

Passage 1 (P1)

“I’m not insulting you.” His quiet voice made it all the worse.

“I don’t need your help.”

“Clearly not,” he said with a half smile. But the smile faded. “A human who can take down a faerie in a wolf’s skin, who ensnared the Suriel and killed two naga on her own …” He choked on a laugh, and shook his head. The firelight danced along his mask. “They’re fools. Fools for not seeing it.” He winced. But his eyes held no mischief.

The second passage is at the very end of the book, during the final exchange between Feyre and Rhysand on page 415. Indeed, I felt the whole bargain between them was a bit strange, especially if the only reason Rhysand was interested in her had to do with making Tamlin angry. He would not go through so much trouble for someone he only lusted for, would he? There’s a particular moment during their final conversation that points again to this “certain something.”

Passage 2 (P2)

“Well, good-bye for now,” he said, rolling his neck as if we hadn’t been talking about anything important at all. He bowed at the waist, those wings vanishing entirely, and had begun to fade into the nearest shadow when he went rigid.

His eyes locked on mine, wide and wild, and his nostrils flared. Shock–pure shock flashed across his features at whatever he saw on my face, and he stumbled back a step. Actually stumbled.

“What is–” I began.

He disappeared–simply disappeared, not a shadow in sight–into the crisp air.

I have two very good ideas about what this “certain something” is. In fact, the what is less of a question for me. It’s more to do with the who. If you’re interested in finding out what and who I think Feyre is based on close familiarity with the “Beauty and the Beast” tale type, read below the jump!