SIDEWALKS AND SIDESTREETS: It’s not the bumper, it’s the message

I saw a car with a unique bumper-sticker today. It – the sticker – said, in capital letters: “Jesus Saves. Moses Invests.”

That got my interest, so I looked for more. Then came, “I’m Justin Credible. It’s not only my name.” “Massachusetts Bumpah Sickah (for the Cah).” “I’m not speeding. I’m qualifying.”

Like that. Amusing. Clever. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

But then, sitting on my usual perch on my usual park bench in the center of my town, where, it seems, every road on the planet earth converges, I had a thought: Why would people passing by here want to draw attention to themselves?

“Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos.” “Do you follow Jesus this closely?” (A hint to tailgaters.) “Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer.”

Bumper stickers. I never really gave much thought to them, and many of the ones I saw today my editor would never print, censorship laws being what they are. “Surf Colorado.” What does that mean? Colorado’s nowhere near an ocean. Maybe I missed something. “I mustache you to back off.” (Alongside a graphic of a barber’s handlebar mustache.) I got that one.

“Hit me (I need the money).” Hah. “Buckle up … it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car.” No doubt a reference to Steven Spielberg’s 1977 movie, Close encounters of the Third Kind, starring Richard Dreyfuss, in which the character portrayed by Dreyfuss is nearly sucked out of his pickup truck by an alien spacecraft.

As more cars passed by, the closer I looked. And boy, did I get an eyeful. There was, “Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics,” then, “Sarcasm, because beating the crap outta people is illegal,” and then, “Retirement – twice as much husband, half as much money.”

I asked myself, again, why? What’s the attraction in making people look at your bumper? What is the gain in doing so?

And then it hit me: I’m an idiot. It’s not the bumper, it’s the message. “I have good brakes. Do you have good insurance?” “Bad decisions make great stories.” “I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.” “If you can read this … you are probably pulling me over.” And so on.

So now you’re asking yourself: “How did this guy actually remember all these bumper stickers?” And a fair question it is. The answer? My smartphone. I took pictures. Some of these stickers moved me; others (most, actually) made me laugh out loud. Then I wrote them in my notebook. Then I deleted them from my phone, because most were on the rear bumper, and the license plate showed up, too. So, after writing the message, zap! Went the picture.

I did learn something, though. Bumper stickers are a quiet, but powerful, form of expression. Most of the time, cars are in a garage, a driveway, or a parking lot. Most people don’t sit on a park bench and take photos of them, like I did. So the ones with stickers on them like, “Dislexics are teople poo” or, “Once upon a time, I was cool” or, “Watch out for the idiot behind me” are never seen by anyone at all. But some are worth reading. Like: “Even though this is a stupid sticker, you are still squinting to read it.” Everyone has something to say, and most are worth, in this case, reading.

Hallelujah.

Philip Leo McCarron is a Stoughton resident. He can be contacted by email at philmccarron@yahoo.com, and enjoys your comments. Why not email him?