Personal Picks

Patti Callahan Henry: Coming Up for AirThis author recently moved to Birmingham, and she’s already made lots of friends. It wasn’t hard; her bestselling books preceded her. Besides, she’s a really fun and intriguing person. Her newest book, set on the Alabama coast, is about marriage and motherhood and one woman’s desire to become the person she really wants to be. Ellie Calvin has her hands full already when her controlling mother dies and she runs into her ex-boyfriend at the funeral. The old boyfriend is making a documentary on Ellie’s late mother and has questions only Ellie can answer—with the help of a long-forgotten diary. (*****)

Hillary Jordan: When She WokeHillary Jordan’s debut novel, Mudbound (winner of the 2006 Bellwether Prize for fiction), was an international literary hit. That one was set firmly in the rich soil of a Mississippi Delta farm in the mid 1940s. When She Woke, on the other hand, is futuristic and quite chilling. Here’s an America that we won’t recognize completely but might well be able to imagine. The book begins: “When she woke, she was red. Not flushed, not sunburned, but the solid, declarative red of a stop sign.” Hannah Payne wakes up in a bare room wearing only a paper gown. She has been turned into a “chrome.” Chromes are criminals whose skin color has been genetically altered to reflect their crimes. Murderers are red. There are hints of The Scarlet Letter here in this nightmare world where politics and religion come together in a mighty scary way. (*****)

Susan Haltom: One Writer's Garden: Eudora Welty's Home PlaceOh, this is a lovely book with great photos of the famous writer and her family and neighbors. But the real gems are the colorful photographs of the garden Welty tended with her mother. Chestina Welty designed their modest garden and taught her daughter well. Welty, of course, is known for weaving Southern flora into her writing; much of her knowledge came from time spent in her own garden. Near the end of her life Welty still resided in her family home, but the garden had become neglected. Co-author Susan Haltom is a garden designer, and she offered to help preserve the garden and spent a decade doing that. This beautiful book, organized by seasons and decades, contains previously unpublished writings, including literary passages and excerpts from Welty’s private correspondence about her garden. (*****)

What's on my nightstand...

Susan Rebecca White: A Soft Place to Land: A NovelThis is a book about sisterhood and the often-complicated love that go along with it. When their parents die in an airplane accident, 13-year-old Ruthie and 16-year-old Julia are sent away from their Atlanta home to live separately in distant parts of the country—in drastically different cultures. The story spans nearly two decades and follows the sisters from this familiar Southern home to bohemian San Francisco, a Virginia mountain town, the campus of Berkley and the lofts in Brooklyn. Once close, the sisters grow up and apart and their relationship becomes complicated by anger, resentment and jealousy. But then another shocking accident changes their lives once again. White is the author of the critically acclaimed Bound South, in which she writes lovingly and insightfully about Atlanta, where she was born and raised.

Frances Mayes: Every Day in Tuscany: Seasons of an Italian LifeCelebrated travel writer and bestselling author Frances Mayes (Under the Tuscan Sun and Bella Tuscany) is back and continuing her decades-long love affair with Tuscany’s people, art, cuisine and lifestyle. This is a deeply personal account of her present-day life in Tuscany, detailing the changes she has experienced since the success of her first two books and her reflections on the unchanging beauty and simple pleasure of Italian life.

Robin Lane Fox: Travelling Heroes: In the Epic Age of Homer (Vintage)The myths of the ancient Greeks have inspired us for thousands of years. But where did these stories come from? How did they spread around the world? Fox draws upon the latest archaeological evidence, his own travels and his vast knowledge of the ancient world to answer these questions. He explores how the Mediterranean seafarers of 8th-century B.C. Greece encountered volcanic mountains, vaporous springs, huge prehistoric bones and more and then weaved them into their legends of gods, monsters and heroes.

David Ebershoff: The 19th Wife: A NovelMy bookgroup is reading this one right now. This book combines historical fiction with a murder mystery, and my bookgroup is reading this one right now. One story line, set in 1875, involves Ann Eliza Young, who has recently separated from her powerful husband, Brigham Young, prophet and leader of the Mormon Church. Ann Eliza begins a crusade to end polygamy in the United States. A rich account of a family’s polygamous history is revealed, including how a young woman became a plural wife. A second story is the tale of murder involving a polygamist family in present-day Utah. Jordan Scott, a young man who was thrown out of his fundamentalist sect years earlier, must reenter the world that cast him aside in order to discover the truth behind his father’s death. Both narrative intertwine to create a larger story of love and faith.

October 07, 2007

Learning to Mother

When my older daughter was 9 years old, we sat down together on her bed to have “The Talk.” We chatted for a while, very low-key, and toward the end of our not-too-uncomfortable conversation, I handed her a copy of The Puberty Handbook. I told her, “This is your puberty handbook. It will explain some more of the things we’ve talked about. If there’s something you don’t understand, of course just come ask me.” Then I left her in her room, reading her new book.

A sitter arrived a while later, and my husband and I went out to dinner. When we came back home, this sitter—now clearly flustered—met us at the front door and told us she had spent about an hour playing a lively game of “puberty hangman.” That night the sitter got hazardous-duty pay.

Fast forward to now. I’m looking at another daughter and, soon, another talk. Only this time, I have a book of my own. It’s The Mother-Daughter Project by SuEllen Hamkins and Renee Schultz (Hudson Street Press).
The idea behind this new book is that teenage girls need—and really, deep-down, want—a close connection with their mothers. To that end, it is filled with practical advice for ushering our daughters through adolescence while, at the same time, strengthening their bonds with us.

The book chronicles the success of two mothers who set out to help their own girls grow into happy, strong, confident—and whole—young women. Ten years ago, Hamkins and Schultz, both psychotherapy professionals with 7-year-old daughters, created The Mother-Daughter Project with several other women in their community. Their goal: to disprove the damaging assumption that teenage girls inevitably reject their mothers. This group of mothers and daughters met regularly and spent years tackling issues like friendships and aggression, puberty, the media’s influence on their daughters’ self-image and esteem, drugs and sexuality. (Believe me, not all of this is covered in The Puberty Handbook.)

The group met monthly and alternated between addressing age-appropriate topics like staying safe on public transportation with simple, enjoyable activities like mother-daughter movie nights.

This went on for 10 years. And over these years, Hamkins and Schultz found that their girls welcomed—indeed craved—strong connections to their mothers, as long as they could still appear “cool” to their friends. The mothers, in turn, learned how to let this happen as they navigated their own fears and concerns about raising their girls.

The book is divided into two parts: The first simultaneously supports girls and their mothers. It addresses myths of motherhood (Myth #1: A good mother is never tired of mothering.) It talks about how to prevent a mother-daughter disconnection and foster strong mother-daughter bonds. There’s also helpful advice for creating a supportive community for daughters and their mothers.

The second part of this book is a practical guide through childhood and adolescence with usable advice and fun exercises for each age of development—from 7 to 17. The chapter numbers correspond to ages. In chapter seven, readers see how the then 7-year-old girls and their moms simply celebrated being girls.

Thing got a little more serious after that. Chapter 10 of this book (geared especially for 10-year-olds) helps girls learn to love their bodies. Chapter 12 is about addressing desires in a healthy way. Chapter 15 looks at earning money and wielding power. Chapter 17 is about helping young women realize a happy future.
Finally, the authors offer tips on creating your own mother-daughter group; there’s even a sample flyer to help gather members.

One of the authors wrote: “I believed that maintaining a solid, healthy connection with my daughters would best help them grow into empowered women. I knew that I was the person most dedicated to helping my daughters become fully themselves. …”

I believe this, too. I work on it every day. And I delight (and never, ever take for granted) each time my 15-year-old—still and in public—holds my hand. I even think I’m ready for a game of puberty hangman.

This column originally appeared in the October issue of Portico Magazine.
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