Tofu (2014) s01e08 Episode Script

Filthy, Dirty Sex

What did you think sex was,
before you knew what sex is?
That's a good question.
I remember being obsessed
with the fact that
nobody was telling me what you did.
We'd been shown pictures by the
time I got to secondary school
pictures of ovaries and sperm
and penises, but I was just like,
"But what do you How do you lie?"
I used to think if you kissed
somebody that was it, you had a baby!
"Mum, I'm pregnant, I've
kissed a lad down the street."
She went, "Oh, no, you're not!"
It was like a hidden, dark world.
We were basically told, don't!
Knowing there was
something I shouldn't know.
It was naughty and not to talk about it.
Nice girls, especially, don't!
And certainly, never, ever any sense
that it would be a pleasurable thing,
and that's messed up, isn't it?
When you're teaching children
that it's just a dirty, bad thing
that you've got to do when
you're married and that's it.
I found a book, you know
Do I know what a book is?!
I had to make assumptions!
And it had black-and-white
pictures in it of sexual positions
and there were photographs,
but what I found disturbing
was that the pictures of them had
been taken in a very medical way,
so that her hair
was all over her
face so you wouldn't see who she was.
"Don't look at me while I have sex!"
All you knew was the shame. The shame!
The shame of anything do with, like,
your reproductive system, let
alone anything more explicit!
I never went to a book for
gay sex tips, it was I always
It was always the internet or friends.
Where do you find that
information from, then?
- The internet.
- It was probably porn.
Yeah, porn, definitely,
that's the only way I
discovered anything about myself.
Lesbians don't just scissor. They scissor!
I first found out the
traditional '80s child way,
which was loose, straight
porn, scattered around a park.
Yeah. Dirty magazines is what you found.
Yeah, jazz mags.
It was like this secret underworld.
We had to find what we could, really.
I remember thinking, like,
that is disgusting, that is rank!
I do not want a part of
this, I am too good for this.
I just looked at it and thought,
my penis would go in that well.
Being gay, I still didn't
feel like I was part of it,
like it was just dirty and wasn't my thing.
I think it was Keats that said,
"My penis would go into that well!"
There's always that one time
when you're trying to
recreate porn that you've seen.
My first time having sex,
I almost tried to re-enact every porn
thing on the internet I'd ever seen,
I tried to put us in
positions, it was awkward.
You can't edit the bad stuff in real life!
At one point, I fell
off one side of the bed
and I elbowed him in the shoulder.
You realise how unrealistic
everything that they're doing
in these movies you're watching is.
They've gotta know it's not real.
It's a fix, it's a fantasy!
Good sex on camera? I
think it's always good sex
on camera once it's edited so
The great thing about fantasies
is, we don't have scopes, do we?
So we can build this
fantastic fantasy in our head.
I do a lot of "mummy, mummy" porn.
It's so taboo, it's not real.
They like to look at a mummy and a daughter
and they don't really want
it to happen in real life,
and I think it's a way for
people to live that fantasy
without physically having to do it.
Every single man in this world
has a fantasy of a threesome.
You tell me one man that
doesn't, because they will,
and I can see you're
laughing now because you have.
He's probably done it!
I phoned up my friend and said,
"I've just had a threesome in a gay sauna,"
and they were like, "That's not very you,"
and that's the point.
I did it because I wanted to
be accepted, I wanted to be gay!
I managed to talk a girl into
getting her mum involved once.
I got a few high-fives when
I told the lads that one.
At one point my girlfriend
worked in hotel bars,
like the poolside bars, she was a young
Well, she wasn't young, she was in her 30s
but she'd clearly had her daughter
young and she wanted to keep
hold of her youth, so she was
just as set out to have a good time
as her daughter was, I just got
chatting to the pair of them and
the mum was giving me
the look as if to say,
"You're pretty cute," and
I was really interested in her daughter
and one night, me and the daughter
were getting on and her mum walked in
and I just said,
"It's all right, you can stay
if she's all right with it,"
and she was really drunk and she went,
"Go on, then, we're going home tomorrow,"
and that was it, then!
Both of them, mother and daughter.
One of them was up here and
the other one was down there
and then they swapped
Yeah, it was a fun night.
I went to a gay sauna for
the first and last time
because it was almost like I wanted to
prove something to myself and be like,
"Yeah, I can be part of this gay culture,
I can be part of it all, I can
whore it up with the best of them!"
Because I'm holding on, I'm
holding on to be relevant,
I'm chasing that. As soon as
I started showering, this guy
turns around and starts playing with
himself and he's looking at me but had
sinister eyes that were, like,
baggy eyes, it was like someone had
You know like a candle, how it melts?
It was like his face had
melted and I just thought,
"Oh, no, not for me, sweetheart."
And there was this other guy there,
he was wanking himself off in the
corner and he was watching porn.
And it was porn from like
the '40s or '50s, it was crap
and he sort of looked
at me and I looked at him
and I was really nervous
then we both started wanking
each other off, he had builder
sort of hands and I was like,
"Oh, yes, you're talking my language."
He was, like, "Should we go to a cubicle?"
And I was like, "Yeah, all right,
then." But then he beckoned in
your mutant. Why didn't I say,
"Oh, this isn't for me"? Or, "No, not you"?
- You felt obliged?
- I felt obliged!
Threesome? Oh, yeah,
we'll have a threesome,
that's fucking awesome. Threesome? That's
great, that's great, and essentially what you do
is spend the entire time
trying to make the one
you don't fancy as much
not realise you don't fancy
them as much, so you go and
over-compensate and ruin it for yourself.
At least, that's always been my experience.
You know what makes me laugh? Is
that when the good-looking one come,
he left and he left me with the mutant
and I ended up being the finisher!
Like in porn, the fluffer
or whatever you call it,
I was just like
In porn, it's usually someone
makes someone else feel worthless
and they get off on it and then they
make them do stuff to them.
I think now it makes a lot of
not just young men, male, I think
it makes them aggressive towards women.
It's seen as very taboo
for men to be submissive,
so a lot of men hide that submissive side.
Some girls won't say anything,
they'll be like a log in a
bed, like, just lay there,
look at the ceiling, they won't
do anything or say anything,
you have to do all the work.
Then you get girls who
kind of like pin me down,
take off my trousers. "Are you gonna
fuck me yet, or what? Hurry up."
You're like, "Oh, shit!"
You get a little bit scared,
you're like, "Fucking
hell, I like this, though."
I think women are the
strongest ones, I think they do
over-power the man when they're in bed.
I would say already, don't trouble me if
you can't give me what I want.
People are wanting more taboo stuff,
at one point everybody wanted anal.
I like it up the bum.
- Yeah, me too.
- I like bum sex, up your bum!
A lot of women won't do that.
It's fucking lovely. Oh, my God!
They are missing out on so much.
I love bum sex, I'd have it all the time.
Actually, my partner prefers bum sex.
I've had some men that do prefer that.
It's fucking lush, it's gorgeous!
You do get a sensation
and it can make you orgasm.
Yeah, obviously this
would be the science bit,
the G-spot's right in there
and if they get it right,
they can touch it.
Is there a sense of it being dirtier
and it's kind of forbidden
as well, I suppose?
Yeah, it's disgusting, it's disgusting sex
but it's rough sex and
it's hardcore, I love it.
Yeah, you've gotta have
a little bit of kinkiness.
Some people are very, very deeply hardcore.
The only clients who pay to see
me are men, I'll beat the crap
out of you, I'll bang
your bollocks to a board.
There's a thing called
cock and ball torture,
there's nipple torture,
piercing, I've got needles,
medical gloves, spit in
their face, drink your spit,
I'm a bit of a sadistic bitch so I
do get a certain amount of pleasure
from doing that. But you're not
going to have contact with me.
any sexual They will ask, can they
relieve themselves? Or they like me
to make them eat their cum,
or I've got one guy, he saves up his
sperm in condoms in the fridge
and he brings them in a champagne glass
and he likes me to make him drink it
or force-feed it from a spoon.
Men, you're strange creatures.
What kind of men usually will
come to you, what kind of ages
and what are they like?
Youngest I've had is 21,
the oldest I've had is 79,
I've had a councillor, like a
politician, I've got quite a
few coppers come to see me, few
factory jobs. And most of them are
married, most do have girlfriends,
they don't want to risk losing
face by telling their partners.
It's almost like a form of counselling
because people confide an
incredible amount in you.
So sex is a form of therapy?
To a degree, yeah.
When you have sex with someone,
you don't just give yourself
to them physically, in my mind,
you offer up everything,
you're totally vulnerable.
One guy came to see me
and he was a sexual addict and he had done
everything, he had sex
with men, sex with couples
and he was always looking for new
targets but you know what was sad?
He was just never happy,
he was never
I looked and I thought he was
the loneliest person in the world
because he was never satisfied.
You know, I said, "Don't you get excitement
from seeing a film or going
to see a good rock band?"
I grew up with silence,
I felt like that silence
I grew up with got filled with
something and that was fear,
I was afraid of sex,
I doubted myself, I didn't trust people
and these are all things
you learn over time,
or you learn to accept yourself.
I mean, I have got flab, I've got
cellulite, I've got everything but
it doesn't bother me so
long as I have good sex
and they enjoy my body and I enjoy theirs.
As I've been with my partner for 13 years,
he knows every scratch, every
stretch mark, every cellulite mark.
You know, if you don't
like it then don't have it,
I'm not asking you to
have it. If you want it,
take it, I'm not stopping you!
I think now I'm a lot
more confident in who I am
and what I'm doing with my life
and it reflects a lot in how
I treat people and how, when it
comes to sex, I behave with it.
It makes you strive to
want to be better and to
reach out to a lot more people
and hope to make a change and not
be a porn star, you know?!
Just a porn star!
Maybe I want to be a porn
star, maybe that's my thing.
You're living vicariously
through other people.
I am living vicariously
through other people!
Jealous!
I'm hanging on for dear life, dear life!
Very good, awesome!
You had everything, you had tears,
you had fun, you had jokes,
you had slagging some people, perfect!