disclaimer February 4, 2009

Since no one really reads disclaimers anyway, I thought I would post a collection of amusing disclaimers I’ve seen on my traipses through the internet.

This site is meant for human beings residing on Planet Earth, who have survived successfully on this planet for 18 years or more. If you have not heard of words like Saddam, AIDS, Cancer, Polio, Gates, Cloning, Ladin, Monica, Microsoft, or DNA, you are in all possibility not residing on Earth. If you are not sure, please try your favorite search engine for irrelevant results.

If you have existed on Earth for 18 years or more, we expect you to have developed a sense of humor. To check out if you have or do not have a sense of humor, please visit your friendly neighborhood psychiatrist, who will discuss your sex life before concluding if you have a sense of humor. If you do not have a sense of humor please exit from this site. If you are offended when someone jokes about you, please leave now. Irrespective of how much we try, some coincidental coincidence may lead to someone who is like you being written about on this site. We do not know you (probably), but if we write about dirty things and you think we are writing about you, we have a problem on our hands. So please go away if you cannot laugh at yourself. We have worked very hard to keep everything on this site untrue.

We have not harmed the environment, not excluding trees, animals, marine creatures, or human beings while creating this site. If any of the animal lovers like Pamela Anderson are upset, annoyed, disgusted, or appalled by anything we write, please let us know; we are more than willing to discuss and settle this matter with the creatures involved. Google has an excellent translation system (in beta) developed with help from Eddie Murphy while he was working on Dr. Doolittle. We do not care about the accuracy of syntax in C++, Java, HTML, or English. Please feel free to experience bugs and crashes on this site. There are no warranties or guarantees here.

This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to approval. This is not an offer to sell securities.

Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if e-mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all.

Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender; no forwarding order on file; unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental, or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error, or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles.

Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rocks. Low-flying planes. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families not eligible. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer; call now to ensure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well-ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with same type. Approved for Veterans (but not John Kerry).

Booths for two or more. Check here if tax-deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes all previous notices.

My humor does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of myself, my company, my friends, or my cats. Don’t quote me on that. Don’t quote me on anything. All rights reserved. You may distribute this freely but you may not make a profit from it. Taglines are subject to change without notice. Taglines are slightly enlarged to show detail. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental except where it isn’t. Do not remove this tagline under penalty of law. Hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat. Do not bend, fold, mutilate, or spindle. Your mileage may vary. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. This offer is void where prohibited, taxed, or otherwise restricted. Caveat emptor. Product is provided “as is”, without any warranties. User assumes full responsibility. An equal opportunity offender. No shoes, no shirt, no taglines. Quantities are limited while supplies last. If any defects are discovered, do not attempt to fix them yourself; return to an authorized service center. Read at your own risk. Parental advisory: explicit lyrics. Text may contain explicit materials some readers find objectionable. Parental guidance is advised. Keep away from sunlight, pets, and small children. Limit one per family, please. no money down. No purchase necessary. You need not be present to win. Some assembly required. Batteries still not included. Instructions are included. Action figures sold separately.

No preservatives added. No additives preserved. Slippery when wet. Slippery when dry. Safety goggles may be required during use. Sealed for your protection. Do not use if safety seal is broken. Call before you dig. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. For external ue only. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue use. Use only with proper ventilation. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool, dry place. Keep away from open flames. Avoid contact with eyes and skin. Do not inhale. Do not exhale. Do not try to tell me what the definition of “is” is. Do not puncture, incinerate, or store at above 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Do not place near a flammable or magnetic source. Smoking could be hazardous to your healt. The best safeguard, second only to abstinence, is the use of a condom. No salt, MSG, artificial colors, or flavoring added. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. If symptoms persist, consult a physician. Ribbed for your pleasure. Possible penalties for early withdrawal. Valid only on Usenet. Slightly higher west of the Rockies. Allow four to six weeks for delivery. Should be 18 to enter.

Must be 18 years of age to proceed further. Enter at your own risk. Do not enter. Speed limit 28.8 or higher. Stop here on red. Hostess will seat you. Trucks over 4 tons excluded. Void where prohibited by law. Some assembly still required. This is a test of the Emergency Alert System. This is only a test.

Beeeeeeeeeeep. Beeeeeeeeeeep. Beeeeeeeeeeep.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

List each check separately by bank number. I told you before that batteries aren’t included. Contents may have settled even more during shipment. Postal service will not deliver mail without proper postage. Subject to CAB approval. May be too intense for some viewers. This product is meant for educational purposes only. For recreational use only. For office use only. For entertainment purposes only. For me to poop on. Do not disturb. Take two of these and call me in the morning. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now with new plastic applicator. High-altitude directions: increase cook time by ten minutes. This is not an attorney advertisement or referral service. Times are approximate. Stop disturbing me. Simulated picture. Please remain seated until the ride comes to a complete stop. The call you have made requires a twenty-cent deposit.

Do not block intersection. No trespassing. No stopping. No standing. No reclining. No parking when road is snow-covered. As seen on TV. Colors may fade. Insert this end first. This website made from 100% recycled electrons. Sold by weight, not by volume. This web site rated “MA” for Mature Audiences. Do not take with alcohol. Use seatbelts even with airbags. Do not stop on railroad tracks. Do not sleep on railroad tracks. Do not scare the train.

Employees must wash hands before returning to work. Caution, coffee is served hot. Beware of dog. Filmed in front of a live studio audience. Leave off the last “S” for “SAVINGS”. Calls may be monitored for quality assurance, training purposes, or covering our asses. Please make your selections from the following menus. All representatives are still busy assisting other callers. Please stay on the line and a representative will be with you as soon as someone else breaks in on call-waiting. Please call back during our normal business hours. Do not use this product with a petroleum-based lubricant. Bridge freezes in winter. Stop, get ticket. Right lane must turn left. Left lane must turn right. Middle lane must make up their own damn minds. This site runs on unleaded fuel only. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Buses and carpools with two or more people only. No hitchhiking. Components may be hot. Silica gel: do not eat.

Not to be used in conjuction with any other offer. Details on reverse side. We reserve the right to check all bags, coats, personal belongings, and physical attributes. This includes body cavity searches. Recycle. Fragile. Handle with care. This side up. No jumping or diving. No running by the pool. Register has less than $50 after dark. No swimming unless lifeguard is present. Swim at your own risk. Please do not wade in fountain. Guaranteed low prices. Not transferrable. Actual size not shown. Contents under pressure. Be kind, rewind. Short circuit may cause fire. No more than three transactions per vehicle. Reproduction strictly prohibited. Insert tab A into slot B. This space (__________) intentionally left blank. Unix is a registered trademark of AT&T. No transfers issued until the bus comes to a complete stop. Doors do not rebound or bounce back. Your mileage may vary. Ribbed for her pleasure. Ribbed for his pleasure. Illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail. If something offends you, lighten up, get a life, and move on. Terms are subject to change without notice. All decisions are final. This supersedes all previous notices.

By reading this portion of the disclaimer, you certify the following: I agree to avoid ruts. I agree to change my locker combination to 1964. I agree to chase squirrels around the park every now and then and giggle like a mad person while doing it. I agree to be more adventurous. I agree to try and avoid homogenized restaurant chains. I agree to bare the soles of my feet to the earth and feel grass, sand, stones, streams, and dog poo. I agree to at least think strongly about learning to play a musical instrument. I agree to consider painting the roof of my house in contrasting colors.

This disclaimer is not only awful, lame, and downright stupid, but it is in no way intended to reflect the thoughts, lies, beliefs, distortions, exhibitions, talents, views, intelligence, or anything else of the person being made fun of. It’s all in good clean fun and I am an equal-opportunity offender. The thoughts, views, and prejudices contained on this site do not necessarily reflect those of Two Minds, the targets of the views, the Easter Bunny, the fat guy down the street, Elton John, or the Queen. This is simply silliness for you to waste your time reading. Then again, that’s what makes up 90% of television, too. If you are sucked into paying a large amount of money to have 100 channels and still have nothing to watch, then you will understand. Marx was wrong, television is the opiate of the masses. No defamation or any other legal terms are intended. This disclaimer is a perfect example of why we need tort reform. Laywers will sue over anything and we have to put in long-winded disclaimers to cover our asses.

If you should receive e-mail from me, know that this e-mail is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named and may contain information that is confidential, privileged, or unsuitable for overly-sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humor, or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, then any dissemination, distribution, or copying of said e-mail is not authorized (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the making of this e-mail, although the pit bull next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you.

Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer, you can ensure that no harm will befall you or your pets. If you have received this e-mail in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk, and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Let stand two hours before icing.

Allergy alert: site may contain nutmeg… but we doubt it. Return for refund where applicable. Not recommended for persons with sugar-restricted diets. Batteries are included; best of luck finding them. Proud sponsor of the 1934 Penguin Olympics at McMurdo Sound, Antarctica. May cause irritability, sleeplessness, or warts after prolonged use. Contents under pressure. BHT added to preserve freshness. Caution: this website has caused some laboratory rats to rip through their cages, fly across the room, and brutally murder other bloggers. Shake well before using. No vacuum tubes or other user-serviceable parts inside. Not to be combined with other radioisotopes except under the advice of someone else’s physician. Avoid prolonged exposure to ultraviolet light. The truth is out there. Use no hooks. Post no bills. Not intended for use by children or liberals under the age of five.

This site is not warrantied against physical defects or poor workmanship. If the site is physically damaged, return it to me and I will replace or repair it at my discretion. No other warranty of any kind is made, neither expressed nor implied, including but not limited to the implied warranties of merchantability, suitability for purpose, or validity of currency. Any and all risk concerning the actual value of this site is assumed by you, the viewer. Even though I or my agents may have assured you of its worth, we may have had our fingers crossed, so don\’t come whimpering back to me if it bounces back. This agreement supersedes all others between us, including the equally-riduculous one you have undoubtedly pasted on the back of your shirt, or concealed somewhere else really cleverly. The location of your version of this or any other covenant between us is irrelevant to its inapplicability here. Only this one pertains, and I really mean it. In fact, this one supersedes yours even though yours may say that it supersedes mine. Why, even if yours said it would supersede mine even if mine said it would supersede yours even if yours said… you get the idea. By going to bed at the end of this or any other day, or using any toilet or rest room, you accept these terms. Please be advised that I have adopted a strict rubber-glue policy: any nasty thing that your lawyers say bounces off of me and sticks back to you. Be further advised that you agree to pay my legal expenses if I decide to sue you for violating this agreement or for any other reason that might strike my fancy. Violations will be punishable by fine, imprisonment, death, or any two of the above, or all three.

During the design and implementation of this website…

All Hell broke loose. Despite severe air turbulence, no sand dunes were harmed, although some experienced periodic bouts of motion sickness. No flying horses were harmed, although several villages were bombarded with aerial manure. The concept of linear time was severly harmed. The disclaimer was harmed. No shark bait was harmed. No Xena fans were harmed. The Centaur population was severly harmed. No fish were harmed. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. No lyres were strung out during production. Post-Production was under siege the whole time. No Sea Nymphs or other Denizens of the Deep were harmed. Death almost died. All the $DEITYs were harmed. No permanent battle scars were inflicted. No self-righteous magistrates intent upon suppressing the basic right of freedom of expression were harmed. No rabid flesh-eating crabs were cooked. Although no great literary works of art were harmed or plagiarized, a few thespians stole some scenes. The rooster was not harmed during production, although his feathers were severely ruffled. A little gel and mousse took care of that. No Hollywood producers were harmed. No ribbons were harmed; however, several experienced severe motion sickness. No cherries were harmed, but several were popped. No fur-bearing animals were harmed.

In addition…

Side effects may include headache, nausea, general disdain for the world, depression, sore throat from yelling at your screen, death by stupidity or laughter, or large men dressed in nice suits descending from black stealth helicopters who are there to take you away. This is not true; neither are most Oliver Stone films. If you decide to believe this, we can\’t stop you, but it wasn’t intended that way. Then again, if you buy this, you probably believe that network news hacks like Dan Rather and Sean Hannity are real journalists. And if you find that this isn’t funny, rest assured that most sitcoms and Jerry Seinfeld’s stand-up bits aren’t funny either.

This website is poisonous and not intended for internal consumption. All text is classified as “NON-FOOD”, not intended to be eaten or drunk. Do not use in any unspecified or unauthorized manner. We assume no liability for unauthorized use. For example (for those who exist solely to keep the human aspect of Murphy’s Law alive and kicking)… do not eat as a food or herbal dietary supplement. Do not drink as a beverage or make tea out of. Do not inject in any form. Do not stick, put, insert, or throw in your or another person’s mouth, nose, ear, eye, anus, or other orifice. Do not wet with water and let sit and rot and then smear the stinky slop on your or another person’s body or insert it in any of the aforementioned orifices. Do not light with fire and use that fire to injure yourself, another person, or any personal or public property. Do not leave in the middle of the floor and trip or slip on to injure yourself or another. There is not enough room here to list all the possible “do nots”. If you cannot keep from harming yourself or others or property with this website, you probably should just go to bed and stay there for the rest of your life. If you do so, kindly refrain from suing the bed or sheet manufacturer or this website for even suggesting this.

CorporateSpeak makes no promises as to the content, quality, clarity, or amusement factor of any files provided and is not responsible for any damage to you, your belongings, or your family. This means that, should you become horribly maimed in a freak tractor accident and require fifty tons of mechanical apparatus just to poop, it’s too bad for you, because you just read this statement and we’ve logged that reading and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it in court because we also have judges in our pocket and they will laugh at you for bringing legal action against CorporateSpeak, and then they’ll probably go play golf with the doctors in our HMO who will insist that you are fine. CorporateSpeak owns the government, too, so there’s no appeal, no escape, and you belong to us now. Bow down and submit to us freely and it will go well for you. All who resist will suffer painfully humiliating deaths in front of large television audiences.