What Do I Talk About?

On My Mind Lately..

Praises to God.

Standard

Where did you come from? What are the things that make you, you? What has happened to you? What hurts have you gone through to make you a distant person? What is it about you that sets you apart from the person you want to be, the person you wish that you were? Where did your story start? Where is it now? What really happened from then to now? Those blurry lines, those bitter thoughts that just came to your mind, they aren’t from God. But none the less, He’s going to use them. I promise you. He’s going to use all of that hurt. Those deep gut wrenching pains that make you feel dead and empty inside. He will wipe them away, wash you white as snow, and make you overfilled with Him. Where else would you rather be?

Testimony: evidence or proof provided by the existence or appearance of something.

My testimony is harsh. It’s painful, it’s sometimes bitter, and it’s emotional. My testimony is filled with things that have happened to me, along with things that I have made decisions for. At times, it can be extremely hard to look at, to bring myself back to such different times. There’s a person that resided there. She was broken, empty, and lived a life of avoided reason for it all. But my testimony is my story. It shows how I got from where I used to be, to the woman I am now. It shows Jesus. It shows Him being right beside me every moment of my life, especially in my lack of knowledge. He held a protective watch over me, always. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t suffer hurts.

Molest: To harm through sexual contact.

I don’t think any young girl-five, six years old-thinks about molestation. Until it happens to her. Until it’s her family member putting her through something that would later reveal as so traumatic in her life. She knows no better. She knows only of innocent things-playing in the woods with her neighbor, loving to go to school and learn, spending hours in the YMCA pool having a blast. Someday though, she will have to deal with the consequences of the things she knows nothing about.

Sexual Abuse: Encouraging a child to engage in sexual activities.

It’s more than an action. It’s more than a physical touch. For me, it cuts so much more deeply in the emotional and mental state. When you’re young, you don’t know enough to be mad. You don’t know better than to instantly forgive so you can go outside and play with your friends again, like a normal child. When you are asked such a phrase by someone who you would expect to protect you completely throughout this life, it’s devastating. You’re quite a bit older now, so you have a better grasp on ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ in the world around you. Being asked those words, it makes you second guess and question everything you have ever known about the life you’re living in. What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know better than to think people would love you for you? Don’t you see now that it’s normal to do all of this? Wrong. It’s one of the hardest things you will have to get over. But I promise you that you will.

Suicide: The act of killing oneself intently.

Most people walk through their days living out pure selfishness. They know no better, and they have also probably never lost a brother. They don’t know about the deep scars it cuts into your heart. Losing someone you love is difficult. Losing someone you love to themselves, is unbearable. Never getting to see him grow up with you, never getting to say you’re sorry, never getting to say I forgive you. These are wounds that may truly never heal, but will instead be continuously mending over for the rest of your life. They are wounds not many can understand and relate to, and sometimes that’s for the better.

Rape: Unlawful sexual intercourse without the consent of the victim.

Someone you don’t even know and were merely introduced to, someone you have known for many years and have spent years ‘in love’ with-rape knows no relational boundary. Rape is soul stealing. There could not be words out there gruesome enough to explain the ways in which it will make you view yourself. The words don’t explain the way you see yourself as a body, to be used and abused repeatedly. They don’t tell you how much you hate yourself for what they did you to. They don’t tell you how even though you do your best to give it to God, you’ll see yourself in the mirror and silently mock yourself for being so sexually repulsive. Rape will severely distort everything God created beautiful between a husband and wife.

Cheating: To be sexually unfaithful.

Sex before marriage, there’s the first problem. Allowing yourself to fall into any form of sexual relation before being committed to your husband/wife is setting yourself up for deep, deep failure. You link so much of your past hurts to your boyfriend at the time. You blame him for the things he has done to you. You blame him in part for making your blood boil at the thought that you’re worth more than sex. How could you ever believe something like that, when all people seem to be after is the uses your body can provide-consensual or otherwise. Clearly it makes no difference to them. So you get drunk, off your mind drunk, black out drunk. Are you proud of that looking back now? Do you even remember anything from those three months? You remember that you were unfaithful. You don’t remember how you got there, how it happened, or why. But it did, and maybe it’s better that your memories remain absent. Just another way to prove God was and is forever protecting you. Hiding away any details of the person you let yourself slip into becoming for a period of time.

Catfish: Lure someone into a relationship by means of a fictional online persona.

These days, it’s the most difficult for people to be honest about who they truly are. The technological advancements our generation has achieved make catfishing such an easy project. You aren’t proud of who you are? Simple, you mask yourself behind a computer screen and a false persona in hopes of getting back into someone’s heart. You don’t understand the fragile heart you’re dealing with, and your actions make sure you never get the chance. Some people will grow to be spectacular, and you will move as God sees fit within your life. Simply, and graciously, as He did for me. Times like these I see God carrying me away from anything that is not of Him. I see Him extend a loving hand to me, welcoming me to something more.

Testimonies are difficult, and they’re supposed to be as such. They harbor so much hurt, locked away for years upon years. So long ago, you had nothing else to say, so you put your words away. Now you know better. You know to place the hurts strictly in front of you, and to give them all to Christ. You know that only He will protect you and your fragile heart. Although I’ve spoken my testimony to a very select amount of people, I find it much more difficult to write it here for infinity. Some people, I’m sure, will be offended or gasp at what I shared from my life. Most people will not fully understand there are so many different parts of healing your broken heart. For me to heal, I need to witness all of the hurts that I have stood tall through by the guidance of Christ. I need to understand only the parts God has revealed to me, and save the rest for a rainy day.

My testimony affects the person I have become. It affects me as a woman of God. It affects the ways in which I love others and love Christ. My testimony is hard, and it takes me to a large amount of dark places and memories. But my testimony does not define me. It is who I once was, to who I am now. It is the blurry messed up lines of everything in between. My testimony is real, and I’ll never complain to God for that.

You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. Genesis 50:20

Nobody else will persevere. God will heal the wounds you feel in your heart. He will endlessly choose to love on as many people as He can. He will hold onto you. But one day at a time, Christ will be endlessly working within you-turning all of your intended harm into beautiful growth. All praise be to Him.