Mark Shrayber

Here's Justin Bieber free-styling about his penis in the most awkward way possible. This is possibly worse than the guys who stand outside my local pizza place and rap about the people walking by. Last week's rap about me: you got two cans of diet/don't know why you buy it.

The following audio track, unearthed by TMZ, features a 14-year-old Bieber rapping benignly to a backing track, inviting ladies to play with his ding-a-ling and crowing about how he ain't got no ring on his finger so no woman is keeping him down. Because he's 14 . Bieber ends the song with a beautiful run (caaaa-aa-nooo-oon) before suggesting he and his cannon roll down to the Lenox mall, because that's where you pick up (I presume) the highest-quality fodder.