But Now I Can’t Afford To Drink And Drive!

One gallon of Coors Light! Only $80 here! Infidel!

The price of gas keeps climbing higher and there is a real sense of outrage going on in this country. How can this magical fire-water that propels my futuristic steel chariot at ridiculous speeds cost almost four dollars a gallon? Is it because we purchase a majority of it from people who despise us and our sultry, sexy ways? It could be. Is it a government conspiracy, another way for “The Man” to keep us down? It’s possible, I guess. Is it because of the declining value of the U.S Dollar in an extremely volatile, ever fluctuating global economy? You’re asking the wrong dude about that. I ain’t no ergonomics major. But I do know this. Four dollars for a gallon of gasoline doesn’t seem as unreasonable to me as this….

If you go to any sporting event or concert and purchase a beer it’ll run you 7 or 8 dollars. One beer…. Just one…. Seriously, how the fuck can you sell one single solitary wobbly pop for that much scratch and not get shot in the face by angry townspeople? Or at least get popped in the snotlocker by one angry drunk. Do you know how much a case of beer costs? Just shout out a number off the top of your head. No, not seven hundred dollars. That’s ridiculous…. No, not eight hundred dollars…. You’re going in the wrong direction…. Wow, you are surprisingly bad at this game. (Don’t worry, there are other things you do well. Many things, in fact. Napping comes to mind, you’ve always been the best napper.The way you keep your eyes closed and shit, without moving…jealous)… Were talking like twenty to thirty dollars tops for a case of beer. I’m not talking about your fancy handcrafted imported beers, infused with boysenberries and unicorn tears, by the way. I’m talking regular old Bud, Bud Light, Coors, etc….It’s blatant economic chicanery of the highest order, and it needs to be stopped forth-with, good sirs and beautiful lady-madams. It’s bad enough you just paid $40 to park and forked over $300 for nosebleed tickets to have a fun night out with your family. Now you have to drop at least another Franklin to get properly shit faced like the good lord intended you to do at a public event with your sweet little beautiful baby childrens in tow. And God forbid if your better half is an alcoholic too. That can get super spendy. Good thing kids don’t need to eat.
So you can fill up your gas tank or you can drink a six-pack at the game. Either way those gassholes at OPEC still hate you and wish you would die, you fornicator.
But I still love you. That’s gotta count for something, right?