Me: Actually, the bowel perforation could totally work because whatever I ate could just come right out of a tube before it made me fat!

DJ (being very sarcastic and not at all supportive): And that wouldn’t smell bad at all.

Me: It would though be a little embarrassing having to aim my “bowel tube” into the trashcan at social events while I was eating.

DJ: And you’d be all “Sorry guys. I don’t know why I bought the clear tube. I had a choice between red or clear. Wrong choice obviously.”

Me: I don’t think it matters if the tube is clear. You’re gonna look anyway. It’s like when you throw up. You have to look at it.

DJ: Oh, of course. Same with pooping.

Me: Exactly. I wonder if there’s anyone in the world who doesn’t look before flushing.

DJ: Actually, yes. I knew a guy who flushed while still on the pot.

Me: Well, that’s just reckless. What if there was something “untoward” in there?

DJ: Or something impressive. You need to be kept abreast of the situation.

And then we went back to work. We should probably take up smoking.

Comment of the day: I once heard a story about a guy who pooped a perfect question mark (complete with the dot) in a porta-potty at a music festival. He then ran out of the porta-potty and had people look at it. I don’t know why I felt compelled to share that story. ~ Robin

Follow-up comment of the day: You know, dear Bloggess, the comments on your site remind me of a song by The Wreckers:
Only crazy people
Fall in love with me.
They come from all over
To be with me… ~Just A. Reader

If, as the first commenter suggests, you have been smoking something, I do not under any circumstances want to avoid it! That’s some good shit (or whatever people say when they smoke pot, or whatever).

If you start taking smoking breaks instead, I will come to Texas an kick your totally-unnecessarily-lipo-dissolved ass.

Yes, I agree with Heather. Sticking your finger down your throat is less invasive than holes in your intestines. And you can jar the stuff and keep it in your closet so you can look at it whenever you want!

If memory serves, the last photo of you we saw was about a month ago, here. Unless something has dramatically changed in the past month, you’re not fat. You are, in fact, still quite hot.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled self-image crisis.

Anything that has the side affect of “anal leakage” is just not for me. I’ve considered the whole finger-down-the-throat thing but I’m just too damn cheap. I paid good money for that food! We went to the fair one year and ate our way through it while riding rides. I rode one too many and lost it. I was very sad. I had looked forward to the food for days and I only had it for an hour. I had to stop at Taco Bell on my way home because I was hungry again.

I saw a thing on that lipo-dissolve stuff and how it left these women got infections and it left awful scars. That would suck too. All that $ and all you get is disfiguring scars.

I think it’s a fine idea, but don’t skimp when picking out your bowel tube. (The Brass Ass model is particularly nice.) Also, I highly recommend the Glade Air Freshener insert and the Dolby Noise Reduction filter and especially the Across a Crowded Room Bowel Tube Extender with Super-Silent Recoil Action. Sure, the extender isn’t cheap, but it’s totally worth the cash because it allows you to empty the tube from up to 25 feet away so someone else gets blamed for your shit.

i predict a film version of “The Bloggess” or maybe a cable series with a really decent run…THEN a film version.
I SAY cable but you can actually SAY “vagina” on network telly but cable would really offer more freedom of full expression.

This sounds like a conversation I had with my Swedish friend and my Danish friend on the playground. The Danish girl is getting this “lipomassage” to break down the fat and make it “leave” her body and the whole time she’s telling me about it my Swedish friend is making crazy faces at me over her shoulder.

So I’ll send my Swedish friend over to make crazy faces over YOUR shoulder. She’d love a trip to the States.

NO ONE pays attention to how fat anyone is at BlogHer, anyway…they just talk about the skinny minnies. So unless you think you could be a size 0 by then, just forget about it and drink martinis with the rest of us, k?

Yuck and more yuck!! Although I’ve heard of something really cool and similar called miso therapy and no tube is involved, that I know of. I have the name of the place that does it if you’re interested.😉

Some years back, some friends and I theorized that laughing helps you lose weight. Because when we laugh so hard our stomach hurts, we’re really working our abs. So when I have a fat day, I make sure to visit The Bloggess, because your posts and the comments that follow always have me falling out of my chair from laughter.

And to think that whole crazy conversation could’ve been avoided if DJ had simply done the right thing and said, “What? You don’t even know what you’re talking about. You’re too skinny. Have a burrito.” *sigh* Men.

I am moving to Houston right now. I want to have these kind of conversations with you all the time because the laughter that would ensue would make us have ripped abs and tight asses. Also your plan makes perfect sense to me.

Okay, A) If you flush while on the toilet, it’s going to blow germs up toward your you-know-where. This is also why people like Martha Stewart recommend closing the lid before you flush. GERMS. NOT HEALTHY. B) I once had a coworker who was so proud of her work in the bathroom that she took a picture of it with her cellphone and emailed it to the other two of us. I am not joking.

Jenny, Jenny, Jenny – I can save you a fortune. Go to your local WalHell, buy some of that wonderful, I’m not gonna mention their brand name but it causes anal seepage and the company actually suggests wearing dark clothing and then go out and eat a ton of fried food.

You have to look before you flush! How else will you know if your poop chute is in peril?

I have a friend who swears by the ZAND Seven Day Cleanse. It apparently de-bloatifies with a “gentle” laxitive and fiber tablets so you don’t have to make a mad dash to the restroom for fera of your ass exploding in front of your co-workers.

if only the woman who left a little smeared nugget on the seat of the toilet in the public restroom i was in last night had had a butt tube and better aim, i would have had no reason to leave this run-on sentence of a comment. i’m positive that disgusting woman was a skinny little bitch.

oh, and lotta, if you have to ask ‘is that corn or raisins in my poop?’ i think you need to go take another class.

Ok, I am throwing myself out there. I did something similar to this last week except it is called lipotherapy. They do inject you with a type of protein mixture that kills the fat cells so they will never return. With this procedure you pee the dead cells out – no anal leakage involved. They said it would take 4-6 inches off my waist line/ muffin top extrodinarre. I am only one week in and still a bit puffy but feel you bloggess I do

I can’t believe there is someone out there who doesn’t look. It’s reckless. Actually I had a friend who had a chart on his wall and he expected you to tick off the kind – scale range from phantom to brick. We haven’t been friends since the great corn-incident of ’99.

Haley-O: You just keep your negative thoughts to yourself. Our Bloggess is insanely hot. Leave her just the way she is. She doesn’t need to be shitting fat or doing any Britney-related debbie downer activities. The Bloggess is a goddess. She is a walking, talking, blogging wet dream.

(Is it obvious that I’m aiming for “Comment of the day”? No? OK. Thanks.)

If you are going to be ridiculous about this, why not just carry a handy spray bottle of acid with you. You can blind anyone that might possibly be thinner. Presto! Mission accomplished and no poop tube needed!

This was the post that officially made me jealous that I don’t get to go to BlogHer and meet you. And, strangely, simlultaneously a little relieved. You’re like David Sedaris with a uterus. And friends.

This reminds me of Zizek’s discussion of German, French and Anglo toilet design and their function in illustrating the different mentalities:

“In a traditional German toilet, the hole into which shit disappears after we flush is right at the front, so that shit is first laid out for us to sniff and inspect for traces of illness. In the typical French toilet, on the contrary, the hole is at the back: shit is supposed to disappear as quickly as possible. Finally, the American toilet presents a synthesis, a mediation between these two opposed poles–the toilet basin is full of water, so that the shit floats in it, visible, but not to be inspected.”

The question-mark-shaped Mounds bar comment reminded me to admit that my wife and I regularly discuss our day’s bowel movements before we go to bed. Please tell me we’re not the only couple that do that. 🙂

Hey there are using WordPress for your blog platform? I’m new to the blog world but I’m trying to get started and set up my own. Do you need any html coding knowledge to make your own blog? Any help would be really appreciated!

All in the Family: Courtney LeBlanc's poetry chapbook is an honest and raw look into the dynamics of family relationships, the good, the bad, and the oh-so ugly; it'll make you cringe, cry, laugh, smile, and appreciate the relationships you have with your family.