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Thank You for Calling Your Cable Company

Thank you for calling Cable Luv Customer Service! In order to
provide further assistance, this phone call may be monitored. If you
have a question about your billing, press one. If you have a question
about service, press two. If you are experiencing equipment issues,
press three. If you'd like to speak to a customer service
representative, please stay on the line.

You have pressed two, service. If you're having trouble with your TV
reception, press one. If you're having issues with your internet
service, press two. If you're becoming frustrated, press three. You
have selected trouble with your TV reception. If you're experiencing
loss of signal, press one. If you're wondering why half the channels
cut out on the TV upstairs, press two. If you're wondering why we can
get away with highway robbery, press three.

You have pressed two, loss of channels on the upstairs TV. Is this
TV connected to a cable box? Press one. If this TV used to be
connected to a cable box, then in a moment of anger, you jerked the
box off the table and urinated on it, press two. If you miss the days
when a pair of bunny ears was all you needed, press three. Hodor?
Press hodor.

You have pressed one, a cable box connected to a TV. Before we begin
to analyze what might be wrong with your reception, let's go over
some troubleshooting basics. Is this cable box plugged into the wall?
Press one for yes, two for no. Have you connected the cable to the
box? Press one for yes, two for no. Have you sacrificed a goat to
appease Cthulhu? Press one for yes, two for no. Have you worn a fancy
headdress and preformed an incantation? Press one for yes, two for
no.

You have indicated that you have preformed none of this
troubleshooting acts. Therefore, a Cable Luv technician will be
coming to your home to preform corrective services. You will need to
be available at your home from tomorrow through Christmas, between
three in the afternoon, to four o'clock at night. Though it is not
required, if at all possible, we advise having a bucket full of the
tears of the innocent standing by for the technician. You will
receive two follow up phone calls, one to let you know when the
technician is on their way, then another to inquire on how the
technician preformed after the service call. Thank you for calling
Cable Luv, the company that cares!

The morning of the service call.

Hello! This is a phone call from Cable Luv to inform you that a
Cable Luv service technician is on their way to your home today.
Please make sure you follow all the steps in getting your equipment
ready for service, replace all toilet paper rolls in the house with
fresh ones, and Febreeze the hell out of everything. Thank you!

The day after the service call.

Hello! This is a follow up phone call from Cable Luv, we'd like you
to participate in a short survey about the satisfaction you have
towards the recent service call that took place at your home. Please
press one or yes, or two for no, after each question. Did the Cable
Luv service technician arrived within the appointed time? Did the
Cable Luv technician explain the problem to you in an understandable
and concise manner? Did the Cable Luv technician end the service call
by preforming an erotic dance to “Private Dancer” by Tina Turner?
This ends the survey, thank you for being a Cable Luv customer!

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