Maybe we shouldn’t kill them directly, but we’ve got to do something about the influx of n00bs that increases exponentially every day.

I know we’ve all done this at least once... There’s a nice guy at work who says that he wants to come climbing some time. So you take him outside, show him the ropes, and have a good time. But what have you really done? You’ve created another n00b, that’s what.

Maybe you’ve seriously responded to an rc.com thread with a question like, “How do I make a toprope anchor?” You offered friendly, helpful advice and went on feeling good about yourself. Meanwhile, all you’ve done is support a n00b and encouraged him to climb more.

Have you noticed how the crags get more crowded each year? Are you tired of the throngs dominating popular routes with topropes all day?

Have you noticed how much more frequently you top out, only to see a n00b on a route near you scrambling to hook up a funky, sketchy anchor that would have been a straightforward setup for anyone with even a modicum of experience?

Do you live in fear of having to partake in yet another rescue because some clueless leader and his incompetent belayer come tumbling down and ruin your day?

There’s a solution, people. Listen up.

1. Stop taking new people climbing. Maybe you do it to be nice, find new partners, or perhaps you just feel better about yourself if you climb with less-experienced people. I don’t care what the reason is. Knock it off! There are enough climbers here now, and plenty of partners to go around. Pull from the existing pool.

2. Ask rc.com to ban the Beginner’s Forum altogether. If that is not acceptable, the administrators should at least establish an auto-delete function for all thread titles that start with “How do I…” and “What shoes…” and other frequently used n00b titles.

3. Stop encouraging n00bs online. These online forums seem to be the primary way that gym n00bs develop the “experience” to venture outdoors. I know it’s our nature to be helpful, but this has to stop. Respond to all n00b questions with “STFU n00b!” That’s it. Say no more.

4. Carry the attitude of discouragement wherever you go. If you see some n00b giving a bad belay or struggling up a route with poor technique, refrain from giving helpful advice. Let them struggle or drop their n00b partner. Cull the n00bs. That’s what this is all about. Just be sure to move away from them so you don’t have to waste your day involved in a n00b rescue or recovery.

5. Boycott climbing gyms. This is a big sacrifice, I know. Especially if you live in an area without year-round outdoor climbing. But you know as well as I do that climbing gyms are the biggest producers of n00bs nowadays.

6. If you must use a climbing gym, refer to #4. In fact, feel free to be a dick to the n00bs you meet there. Make them feel unwelcome, perhaps even threatened. This attitude (called “localism” among surfers) is effective at keeping gumbies off the good surf breaks. We need to carry this attitude into climbing as well.

Some may wonder how you identify a n00b. If you have to ask this question, you likely are one of them. So STFU and find a new way to spend your free time!

These are just a few suggestions off the top of my head. I’d love to hear other suggestions and ideas. The important thing is that we work together to address this problem. We must cull the n00bs. The quality of our climbing future is at stake.

Well, this is a classic example of what happens when our climbing community doesn’t take the time to implement a comprehensive 'n00b Management Plan'.

A first step is to address the food source that attracts them to begin with. n00bs naturally feed on the sympathies of those with an overabundance of climbing fulfillment. Like a baby bird stimulating the mother to regurgitate a tasty meal, a co-worker will ask the climber to tell a story of their exciting weekend exploits. The budding n00b will then admiringly accept the morsel and use it as an opportunity to point out how they have always wanted to try that. Slowly being drawn into a motherly role, the climber feels a necessity to continue to nurture the budding n00b with offers to take them to a safe learning and growing environment like a climbing gym. And of course we know where it goes from there...

So the climber needs to be educated on the true nature of the n00b. Like a Cuckoo egg that has been laid in another birds nest, the climber may be unaware that the n00b has taken up home and is ready to suck up all the resources it can get.

Protecting the Nest-

Recommendation 1:The climber should be aware of its environment at all times, and be on the watch for those foreign species trying to plant themselves within its domain.

Recommendation 2:If stimulated to regurgitate, choke back all epics by keeping the mouth tightly closed.

1. Stop taking new people climbing. Maybe you do it to be nice, find new partners, or perhaps you just feel better about yourself if you climb with less-experienced people. I don’t care what the reason is. Knock it off! There are enough climbers here now, and plenty of partners to go around. Pull from the existing pool.

now, in theory, I agree with you. however, I really need to introduce more hot chicks to climbing. No, you don't understand, I NEED this man, so DON"T BLOW IT FOR ME. Please. I'm begging you. I won't take anyone else, I promise. Just let me take this sexy bimbo climbing. Just once. Please. I NEED THIS MAN.

Are you tired of the throngs dominating popular routes with topropes all day?

Maybe if you could climb harder than 5.10 after all those years you've been climbing, you wouldn't be on the same routes as said noobs in the first place. If you actually challenged yourself to progress with all of your experience, you shouldn't have to worry about these noob creatures shitting on your routes, because they wouldn't be attempting them. So grow a pair of balls and get off the 5.10 or less noob routes BIATCH!

3. Stop encouraging n00bs online. These online forums seem to be the primary way that gym n00bs develop the “experience” to venture outdoors. I know it’s our nature to be helpful, but this has to stop. Respond to all n00b questions with “STFU n00b!” That’s it. Say no more.

4.Carry the attitude of discouragement wherever you go. If you see some n00b giving a bad belay or struggling up a route with poor technique, refrain from giving helpful advice. Let them struggle or drop their n00b partner. Cull the n00bs. That’s what this is all about. Just be sure to move away from them so you don’t have to waste your day involved in a n00b rescue or recovery.

5. Boycott climbing gyms. This is a big sacrifice, I know. Especially if you live in an area without year-round outdoor climbing. But you know as well as I do that climbing gyms are the biggest producers of n00bs nowadays.

6. If you must use a climbing gym, refer to #4. In fact, feel free to be a dick to the n00bs you meet there. Make them feel unwelcome, perhaps even threatened. This attitude (called “localism” among surfers) is effective at keeping gumbies off the good surf breaks. We need to carry this attitude into climbing as well.

Some may wonder how you identify a n00b. If you have to ask this question, you likely are one of them. So STFU and find a new way to spend your free time!

These are just a few suggestions off the top of my head. I’d love to hear other suggestions and ideas. The important thing is that we work together to address this problem. We must cull the n00bs. The quality of our climbing future is at stake.

I hope you're trolling, but if you're not....STFU noob. Were you beaten as a child?