Monday, September 24, 2007

Yes, a therapist; or, BSC #85: Claudia Kishi, Live From WSTO!

So, this is the first Claudia book after the Stacey fallout. And it's also the return of the notorious Ashley Wyeth (you know, from Claudia and the New Girl?)...In fact, that's supposed to be Ashley with Claudia on the cover:

Before you ask: yes, Claudia is wearing a fucking tux. And, yes, it's pretty similar to the description of the outfit she wears to her first radio show. (Did I spoil that for you? Or did you figure it out from the really fucking obvious title?) I totally used to wear formal wear to my radio show. [Yes, I was a DJ in college. So, if you were listening to 92.1 WPTS-Pittsburgh between 1998 and 2001, you could have listened to me! Go back in time and tune in, dammit! I did a show called Radio Porn. And I went by the DJ name "The Tiffinatrix." I didn't make it up; it was one of my ridiculous college nicknames. I think I came up with the show name, though. The station on the cover actually looks kind of like the studio at PTS. Ah, memories.]

So, plot. Claudia's feeling sorry for herself, what with no best friend and no prospects on the boy front. So, she decides she needs a hobby. She rules out a few stupid ideas, then enters a contest to host a children's radio show on WSTO, Stoneybrook's radio station (I'm a little confused about the station actually...I think it's kind of a community station, but it's run like a commercial station. Probably doesn't matter too much, just me being picky. Wait, isn't that why you read this blog?) And she wins! She will run a show called "For Kids Only" with the second place winner, the aforementioned Ashley. So, they have a show. With kids on as guests and talent and such. Oh, at first, they don't really work well together, but they manage to get it together. (Not sure how.) And they sort of help keep the station afloat.

Subplot: Kristy is fucking annoying. Like, surpassing Karen levels of annoying. Yep. She's obsessed with getting on the show. So she auditions with a whole bunch of shitty skits and plays until she and the Arnold twins hit upon a decent idea: kid lit Jeopardy. Seriously wanted to kill her. In fucking painful ways. Over and over again. I'm never really a big Kristy fan, but my hate for her in this book knows no bounds.

The hits!

Mmm, chipped beef with cream sauce. That recipe needs a euphemism. Like "colonial beef" or something less descriptive.

Dawn asks "Who wants to watch you chew up murdered mammals?" Cause she's never eaten meat at all in this series. Ever. I keep waiting for her to break into "Meat is Murder." ["The flesh you so fancifully fry..." etc.]

Logan and Mary Anne are making a mix tape together. I think they misunderstand. You're supposed to make a tape for that special someone. And they, in turn, will make one for you...But a couple making the mix for themselves? I'm not familiar with that, and I'm a bit obsessive about mixes.

Gulp is right. "I was wearing a backward T-shirt, overalls I'd made by sewing together two halves cut from different pairs, and mismatched socks. It was my "deconstructionist" look. You know, like the art movement? Those paintings that show you the parts of objects rearranged in interesting ways? Well, that was the idea, anyway. Cool, huh?" No, Claudia. Not cool. Fucking ugly. Heh, Janine calls Claud's look "Frankenstein's jumpsuit."

Computers hate Claudia. Yep.

Claud changes clothes before her sitting job: "jeans and a button-down men's shirt over a stretch top." A stretch top? That's descriptive.

At this point in the story arc, Claud and Stace have started saying hi to each other at school.

Wooo! U 4 Me!!!! [Screaming like a fucking nutjob.]

Okay, this "kids' show" is aimed at children of all ages, from little kids to like 14 and 15 year olds. Which seems like a rather broad audience. Just sayin'.

Wow, even in Stoneybrook DJs are annoying.

While writing her application essay, Claud consumes "a Milky Way, a box of Peppermint Patties, two Chunkies, and half a bag of Cape Cod potato chips." Holy shit. I got fatter just reading that. It's like she's a 15-year-old boy! Or Cartman. [BTW, Cape Cod's are the best fucking chips on the planet.] And how did she not get sick?

"Here is my idea of a great host for a kids' show:" = worst intro ever. Where's the hook, Claud?

Also, your essay is not terribly humorous.

How the hell does Claud know what a Pulitzer is?

How many kids really have radio experience? Especially kids between the ages of 10 and 14? And how many of them live in Stoneybrook. Cause I don't think the number is very big.

Charlie agrees to drive Claud to the radio station. Does this kid have anything better to do than to shuttle a bunch of 13-year-olds around?

Kristy waltzes in with Claud and acts like it's her fucking show. Bossy doesn't even begin to describe the obnoxious here.

Hee, Ashley's dressed all normal.

An intern (who is apparently paid!!! Though it's only a pittance?) is assigned to help Claud and Ashley.

Wow, they get a tech staff? I ran my own boards...

Apparently, Ashely has changed, and she no longer thinks that art is the ONLY FUCKING THING WORTH DOING WITH ALL HER TIME. Or something.

Ashley makes fun of Claud's spelling. Heh.

Oh yeah, Kristy even tries to commandeer the planning session for the show. You know, the show that Claudia and Ashley are in charge of? The one that Kristy has nothing to do with? [I know I'm ending with prepositions, but fuck it. If Claud doesn't have to spell in a way that vaguely resembles what she's trying to convey, why should I have to follow my MLA closely?]

Claud keeps using the SMS Express computer. Why doesn't she just use Janine's?

One of the reasons for the contest was to fill up some air time without paying. Ashley's all sorts of offended that they're being "used." Whatever, chickie. You're getting good experience, you're only 13, and it's gonna be fun. Suck it up. You don't have student loans. Or any expenses, really. Hmm.

Kristy's ideas for segments on the show are terrible, goody-goody shows. Like segments about fucking babysitting. Dumb bitch.

Plus, unscripted lameass skits? Bad idea. You have to prepare a little more before an audition. And what makes you think you can come up with dialogue anyway? Just go play some softball.

Also, music jokes ("some unknown key. Q maybe") only work if the character telling the jokes has anything to do with music. Ever.

Yep, another mention of I Love Lucy. And a list of random talents from random kids.

Even though Claud knows she'll be on the radio and no one will see her, she indeed wears a tux to her first show: "Anyway, I wore the coolest tuxedo I'd recently bought in a thrift shop, including a silky, piped shirt and a bright red velvet cummerbund. I removed the shoulder pads from the jacket [do tux jackets usually have shoulder pads?], which made it really slouchy (I love that look). Then I bought a pair of white socks with silver glitter [wait, what? She bought them when? When she got the tux? When she was getting dressed? So confused!]. I decided to wear a pair of red sneakers to match the cummerbund. I swept my hair up and fastened it with a rhinestone barrette in the shape of a musical note." Wow. I think she's destined for a future as a backup dancer at the Tonys circa 1982.

To fill time, Claud waxes all wistful ON THE AIR about her ex-best friend. You remember Stacey?

60 comments:

Can you imagine anyone -regardless of age- listening to that radio show? I have a headache just reading about it. It reminds me of the "radio shows" my friends and I would create using my electric pink tape recorder and some old Maxwell cassette tapes.

I still have a couple of shows on a college/community radio station; I also work at a "full service" AM radio station. WSTO sounds like it could be similar to the AM station (which is community-oriented but still technically a commercial station). However, I don't know anyone under the age of 50 who actually listens to the AM station. Don't all the Stoneybrook kids listen to WSTO?

Anyway, I haven't read this book in a long time, but from what I remember their station was pretty unrealistic overall. And what deejay actually says stuff like "old, moldy, good, and goldie"?

The whole description of the tuxedo outfit was great but your comment at the end just topped it off. "Wow. I think she's destined for a future as a backup dancer at the Tonys circa 1982." That one made me really laugh out loud! I love this blog!

What the hell is chipped beef? It sounds revolting. Is it some sort of weird east coast thing?

I thought the "key of Q" joke was funny, but I am a musician. I lamented on BSCLJ about how unfair it is that we had to have another stupid Kristy clone (Abby) instead of a sitter with a different talent (Anna and her music). Who cares about having two jocks in the group? What about us non-athletic music major type people? Bah.

Huh, how can you tell if a t-shirt is on backwards? Don't they usually look the same forwards or backwards? So basically, Claud was being a moron like usual and put her clothes on backwards, and tried to cover it up. Stupid naive Claudia.

A parent makes a huge donation to the station as a thank you for the girls giving her kid good advice. And the station is saved! Wahoo!That is so Horatio Alger. I would have expected nothing less from ANM and her team o' ghostwriters.

How many fucking men’s shirts does Claudia have??? I remember when I was younger I totally tried to steal one of my dad’s shirts so I could look like Claudia…then when my dad finally gave me one of his old crappy ones I was disappointed, because when I put it on I looked like a complete retard and was all “but I’m supposed to look cool like Claudia!”

And how can she rule out cooking when in Mystery #21 she is in a baking contest. Where’s the continuity, for fucks sake? (oh, yeah...its the BSC when have they ever cared about continuity?)

While writing her application essay, Claud consumes "a Milky Way, a box of Peppermint Patties, two Chunkies, and half a bag of Cape Cod potato chips." Holy shit. I got fatter just reading that. It's like she's a 15-year-old boy! Or Cartman. [BTW, Cape Cod's are the best fucking chips on the planet.] And how did she not get sick?

You forget how long it probably took her to write the thing...

I don't remember much about this one, but I kind of want to read it now, just to see the Kristy retardedness for myself...

I can't believe Janine would have called Claudia's outfit "Frankenstein's Jumpsuit" because a) that's kind of funny and Janine was supposed to be such a stick-in-the-mud and b) Janine would not have let a reference to Frankenstein pass without ten minutes of pontificating on how Frankenstein was the name of the doctor, not the monster he created.

I'm glad I never read this book. I, too, did the college radio, and I have a feeling that if I'd been 13 when this book came out, it would have put me off of the idea entirely.

I've come to the realisation that Claudia's books are my least favourite - I will take Kristy's crap over Claudia's stupidity any day!

The one thing I remember clearly from this book is Claudia helping that kid out (giving him advice or something) and his mother was the one who donated so much money that it saved the station (she must be loaded).

Stacey and Claudia's conversation seemed awkward - when I first read it, I hoped that Claudia would also quit the BSC (what does she have in common with any of them anyway?) and join the 'cool' group

1. How much money did that woman donate that the station could keep running? That would not be cheap, just based on employee salaries.

2. Why are all these teenagers listening to a community station?!? They do it in a lot of books...I can understand if they are looking for weather or school closings in the winter, but just for fun? They probably got NYC stations, why not pick one of them? It bothered me every time they mentioned that station. Even adults probably wouldn't listen to it very much.

I never read this one. Another I Love Lucy reference? Let me guess... some kid's talent was to recite the whole Vitameatavegemin skit by heart?

"It reminds me of the 'radio shows' my friends and I would create using my electric pink tape recorder and some old Maxwell cassette tapes." --we did that too! I think my friend had the same electric pink tape recorder.

The only thing I remember from reading this book back in the day is that one of the random kids' random talents was telling a story with every number reference moved over one, and it ended with "Elevennis, anytwo?"

My friends and I created talk shows with the video camera. I still have one where we did a cooking demonstration for our freshman French class project. All I pretty much said was "Mmmm", "Oui", "Bien" and "Joyeux Noel." Still, got an A!

Margie, I don't think I realized Abby was a clone of Kristy. I actually liked Kristy when I was 8 and reading this series, mostly because I was a tomboy and bossy. I was fascinated with Abby and her Jewish background. Though when I think about it, I don't think she really gave me any insight into Jewish culture.

Wait. She was wearing a tube top on a baby-sitting job?!?! (That's the only kind of top I can think of that stretches)

Yes, Kristy was pretty effing annoying in this book. I can usually barely tolerate her to begin with but the part where she's clomping shoes on the table at the audition and getting dirt on the floor makes me want to be violent.

You know, I never thought about how Charlie is forever driving the BSC around. He always seems able and willing to drive them whenever they need it. Because I have no life I came up with some ideas why he does it:

- Maybe Kristy has some really good dirt on him.- Maybe he's secretly in LUV with one of the BSC. Maybe it's Mal and he can't get enough of her red hair and glasses.- Maybe Mrs. Thomas/Brewer gives him $$ for every ride he gives Kristy and her friends.

Personally, I think the 1st or 2nd has the most interesting story potential.

Well, the BSC does pay Charlie when he drives Kristy to meetings (and I think jobs). They always mention it in the exposition chapter as something that the dues are for. That was why they raised dues from 50 cents to a dollar in one of the early books.

And seriously, how the hell do I remember these things? But I can remember the scene very specifically.

Perhaps the dirt Kristy has on him is that he's in love with Mallory, eh? I'm not sure which would be worse, the fact that he's 17 and crushing on an 11-year-old or the fact that anyone would crush on Mallory...

I definitely remember doing radio shows with my cousin and my sister. We called it JAR, because those were the first letters of our names. And we would pretend that we had an advice column and we'd pretend we were people who needed help. And one of us would give advice. It was so lame. But I loved it.

Claudia Kishi, Live From WSTO is written by a ghostwriter, right? Didn't ANM only write books one to ten?

The Zany Bishojo Evalana said...The only thing I remember from reading this book back in the day is that one of the random kids' random talents was telling a story with every number reference moved over one, and it ended with "Elevennis, anytwo?"

I was going to ask if that was in this book!!! Aaaggghhhh!!!!!! That is the ONLY thing I remember clearly from this book, I always loved that part, but wished they told the whole story. I'm so pathetic.

It always annoyed me how Charlie was always stuck giving those kids rides. The worst was in that stupid "Little Sister" book where Karen has a carnival and she keeps having to go back to the store for prizes and her drives her every time. Please!

Tiff, when is your birthday? Cause I've found SS9 on Thriftbooks and I reckon we should give you that book as a present so you can see the hilarious crapness for yourself (and if it happens to inspire you to write a huge, snarky review about it, so be it...)

This book came out after I stopped reading the BSC books (in fact this whole Stacey leaving plotline is new to me), but now I kind of want to track a copy down just because it's about radio.

The idea that they'd let two 13 year olds have thier own show, even on a community station cracks me up. After running my college's radio station, I can tell you that some 23 year olds don't have enough sense to run their own show. And seriously, how much would that suck for the poor intern that had to help produce their show. But then again, he's probably making more interning than he ever would in commercial radio

Another friendly memory of Kristy, trying to record a show for the station (oogly beast says hi), and imitating footsteps by pounding on the picnic table with a pair of dirty boots. Or something like that.

I have a request too. What about...one of the more realistic titles such as:Dawn and the School Spirit WarAbby and the Secret Society

Tiff, does it annoy you when people constantly ask for requests? I'm just curious, not trying to be mean. To me it seems like you're doing people a favor by mocking these books for their entertainment, and you seem like you DO have a life outside this blog. Just saying.

been a longtime reading fan for about a year now, I think...I seriously love this blog. It cracks me up, because I didn't realise until now how stupid it all was. :D I love reading the blog, and then the comments afterwards by everyone else, it's almost part of the blog entry itself, the comments. This book was my favorite though, I dunno why...I love the idea of having your own radio show...maybe that's why I'm going into Mass Comm now at uni lol. My academic advisor/prof is an ex big name dj ironically. And yeah, two thirteen year olds would have never been able to run a show by themselves.

Also, I love theatre and musical productions, so I was totally in love with Starring the BSC as a kid. I shipped Dawn/Kristy from then on. :D

ok so like everyone else, I wanted to hear the whole elevennis story. So, I googled it & this is what I found, for your reading enjoyment.

Jack and the Twoderful Beans

Twice upon a time there lived a boy named Jack in the twoderful land of Califivenia. Two day Jack, a double-minded lad, decided three go fifth three seek his fivetune.After making sure that Jack nine a sandwich and drank some Eight-Up, his mother elevenderly said, "Threedeloo, threedeloo. Try three be back by next Threesday." Then she cheered, "Three, five, seven, nine. Who do we apprecinine? Jack, Jack, yay!"Jack set fifth and soon met a man wearing a four-piece suit and a threepee. Fifthrightly Jack asked the man, "I'm a Califivenian. Are you two three?""Cerelevenly," replied the man, offiving the high six. "Anytwo five elevennis?" "Not threeday," answered Jack inelevently. "But can you help me three locnine my fivetune?" "Sure," said the man. "Let me sell you these twoderful beans." Jack's inthreeition told him that the man was a three-faced triple-crosser. Elevensely Jack shouted, "I'm not behind the nine ball. I'm a college gradunine, and I know what rights our fivefathers crenined in the Constithreetion. Now let's get down three baseven about these beans."The man tripled over with laughter. "Now hold on a third," he responded. "There's no need three make such a three-do about these beans. If you twot, I'll give them three you." Well, there's no need three elabornine on the rest of the tale. Jack oned in on the giant and two the battle five the golden eggs. His mother and he lived happily fivever after -- and so on, and so on, and so fifth.

You all would be so proud, they accidently used the word "for" and I changed it to five.

Y'know, when Ashley Wyeth told Claudia her spelling was atrocious, I practically cheered. And when Kristy and Mary Anne started defending Claudia, I was thinking, "WTF?! If they were real friends they'd freakin' step in and tell her to grow up. I bet reading her notebook entries is literally painful."

I think someone should write a fanfic about some new teacher giving it to Claudia--the "You will not pass eighth grade" speech, the "You are lazy and stupid" speech...and yes, I know what it's like to struggle like she does and feel like it's all hopeless, but her stupid friends encouraging her laziness really doesn't help her.