Ten Things of Thankful 152 (All the D’s) #10Thankful

I wander through a gorgeous, mist-enshrouded forest, trees stretching their branches towards a sky I cannot see.

It is warm and bright, and the sun (somewhere) is creating a great orb of amorphous light through the milky air. There is intense stillness, the soaring majesty of the pines instilling a cathedral-like splendour. There is silence except for the tiniest noises of insects going about their lives, and the occasional echoing stanza of bird-song. I can hear my own breathing; gentle, deep respirations, as though by taking enough of the woodland-scented air into my lungs, I can inhale the peace and somehow keep it.

There are ghosts, but they do not worry me. They attend their own business, shimmering through the trees, dappled with brightness which seems to come from nowhere and everywhere. Time slows, my heartbeat quietens, and as though the ghosts have moved forward a phase without me, their busyness speeds up, flashing here, there and everywhere as I watch. Periodically one or another of them moves towards me, becoming solid, more filled with colour and life as we connect. As they slip away again, so their colour fades and they return to misty, half-lit beings.

I wonder if it is I who is the anomaly – who does not belong.

Whether this World Between the Wires is truly a meeting-place, or just somewhere I happened to be, to make the ghosts’ acquaintance but never see more than the illusions of their own spaces in time.

There is one who stays close, repeatedly reaching for me, becoming infused with colour, her lines solidifying each time our fingertips touch. Time becomes erratic, bouncing through days and nights, flickering back and forth as the ghosts disappear into speed-blurs between the trees. Great bubbles of time slide through the woods, magnifying the smallest details and trapping the ghosts in slow motion, as though encased in glue. I turn, infinitesimally slowly, to track their progress, and my eyes are caught by the gaze of the ghost who visited me most. She reaches for me and I reach back.

Our fingertips connect, cool and smooth, then the length of our fingers, then our palms. My hand feels pins-and-needlesy, as though a great energy is building from our point of contact, expanding and swirling around us – it encases us in a sphere of bright light. We intertwine our fingers and hang on as the light intensifies to a blinding whiteness, turns abruptly to shadow, then disappears entirely.

As I look, the ghost’s eyes infuse with a startling blue, and the woods become hazy as my body begins to turn to dappled mist. My margins dissolve and I delight as my molecules slide through the air, my fading colours and the echo of my breath now irrelevant. I am no longer an anomaly – I belong.

Disappearance – I’ve barely been writing here lately. I’ve barely been writing at all! I don’t know why, although I’m getting more sleep than I used to in the good ole days. BUT there’s really no excuse, especially when I consider how much I miss y’all. I’m just glad I have this space, and happy when you visit.

Distraction – That said, there’s been a lot on. I’m getting back into exercise and healthfulness after surgery (so long ago now, but bodies apparently take a LOT longer to un-mess-up than to mess up, so there’s that) and trying to go about it the right way. Which means slowly. Which means being patient. Which I do BADLY! But I’m grateful for the ability to DO things now.

Depression – has been variously largely absent or *utterly* kicking my ass. I think because I have an upcoming Important Event, on which so, S much hangs, that I’m anxious and it’s all turning a bit maelstromish at times. Good thing is – I have people who really understand this, and who support and love me anyway. Hooray! I also wrote a piece for my good friend Abbie’s series; Depression, Catalyst for Change.

Discussion – LOVING the discussions in the comments of my last post. I’m not sure a clear resolution was ever reached one way or another, but perhaps it’s one of those issues where non-resolution is okay, and the best thing was just how damn respectful and eloquent everyone was. You hear about these posts which get trolled, and this one just drew polite, involved discussion, and HOORAY for ye all who partook.

Divorce – it happened. It’s official. It actually happened a while ago and I didn’t say anything about it because I wasn’t really sure how I felt. Today I feel peaceful about it, and perhaps that’s the very best thing to feel. I wrote about it though, to unmuddle myself – it’s over at Hasty’s.

Delight – Flowers. Birdsong. Blue skies. Warm air. Sunshine. Light evenings. All my favourites. SPRINGTIME (the end near summer) is just BEAUTIFUL. Though I did manage to get appallingly sunburnt, because I’m a plonker and neglected to put suncream on, on a day where the sky seemed hazy and the sun seemed not-so-hot. FIE ON ME!

Delicious – I took Niece and Neff for their first taste of ‘out at a gelato parlour’ sorbet. They were AMAZED to hear there was no milk involved in the treat, and enjoyed every mouthful. Yummy-noises were made by all, and they’re keen to return to try more flavours. I’m keen to take them. HOORAY FOR VEGAN HOT-WEATHER TREATS, and HUZZAH for those places which supply them.

Disappointment – Taking. So. Long. To lose. Weight. I have to remind myself every day to be thankful I CAN do the gym again. I know I wrote this a different way before, but disappointment is something I do badly with, and disappointment in myself (for e.g. self-sabotage when I break one of my self-imposed ‘rules’) tends to lead to The Bad Place. Which it hasn’t YET, and I’m also very thankful for that.

Determination – Sooooo I have an interview at a massage therapy college in OKC in just over a week. This. Is. HUGE! If I get it, THIS is the life-changer. THIS is my way into ‘Murica, and THIS is…oh I’m scared because it’s so, SO important to me. It looks like an amazing opportunity, with wonderfully in-depth training, and (by the sound of things) great people. Keeping my fingers, toes, legs, arms, and eyes all crossed for this.

Not holding my breath though, because I can’t bear to put all my hopes in this…if I mess it up, I’m back to square one, and THEN what?!

SO! I’m late to the party and I expect I’ll be late to reading everyone’s lovely posts, but I miss you all and I WILL READ, and…hi! Remember me?

Ack! So exciting!! 11:00 Monday you say? I’ll set my alarm and say prayers for you while you’re there.

Surgery does take a whole lot out of a body. Taking recovery slowly is important. It is so hard to be patient, especially when you are wanting to get moving to at least slow down the upward movement of the scale. In the months and months I’ve been doing the graviteer challenge to try and lose the 10 pounds from my own injury/surgery, my only real progress was during the 40 days of Lent. I lost 5 pounds. Other than that, no more than 2 total. Very aggravating. BUT it is absolutely nothing to beat oneself up about. Seriously, in the grand scheme of things, 5 pounds makes not one bit of difference. None. Zip. Zilch. We’re going to focus on the sunshine and dairy-free treats. 🙂

As I write this, the rain has started to fall again, and it’s unnaturally dark, with skies the colour of old bruises. It looks set to give way to our second thunderstorm of the day, but here’s to focusing on sunshine!

Thank you so much for the prayers! Much appreciated. I so SO hope this is set to be the next part of my journey…*sigh* I know there’s no way of knowing, or bargaining about it, and I’m not good enough to ask for any favours BUT…it would be so so lovely.

I liked the idea of the graviteer challenge more than I liked the actual in-fact of it. It seemed that I was always off with timing, and the whole thing set my mind to self-sabotage. It sucked. Or rather, I sucked AT it. I’ve managed to put on 15lb whilst ill (admittedly probably 5 of those I needed back anyway) BUT it’s so agonisingly slow to lose them again. GAH! Sunshine sunshine sunshine…

Awwwh bless your boots! That’s such a lovely compliment, thank you! I’m pretty sure I *will* always write, just because I can’t imagine what life would be like if I didn’t! A whole lot messier, I should think!

Ohhhhh that sounds like a HORRID time of morning to be up and awake and…EW! But so glad I was able to ease it a little bit! Hope your day has gone well (or better, or something) and THANK YOU! I really quite enjoyed writing my little whimsical woodland ramble.

Awww…this was so beautiful. I loved walking with you through your forest. The feelings you invoked made me feel warm and fuzzy on an otherwise dreary and cold day.
As for OKC, I feel great things for you, Lizzi. I’ll be sending you my prayers, thoughts, and happy vibes. I’m so sorry that I’ve been absent – I’m floating around in a fairy world myself these days 🙂

I secretly think that you might be one of the lead fairies in the (goodness me, what on earth is the collective term for fairies? – well, the whatever that is). I miss you but I’m just so happy to know you’re out there! I’m glad you felt warm and fuzzy – cold dreary days are no joke. It was a lovely day here but its turned chilly and I am this moment wrapped in a blanket with my hot water bottle snuggled to my chest. Ahhhh LUXURY. I love being snuggly.

And…*nervous butterflies-in-tummy breaths*…thank you – all prayers, thoughts and happy vibes SO very appreciated. I really *really* want this to go well, so I can get going on my dream…

Heheh well the hot water bottle is VERY nostalgia-inducing. It’s even traditional pink rubber, and has that hot-rubber-boily-water smell to it. And it sloshes most beautifully and radiates a lovely warmth.

As to you and the fairies – I could definitely see you as Titania, though I doubt you’d be overly worried about pursuing Oberon…but I think you would fly around with your [insert collective term for fairies here] of fairies, all planting seeds and making the world a more beautiful, bee-and-butterfly-friendly kind of place.

Ah, that beginning…so lovely. So pretty.
Sleep is an amazing thing. If your body wants it, let it happen. So you write less? No matter. What shows up is delightful and if we want you, we know where to look. ❤ I've been sleeping SO MUCH better lately. I'd like to say it's all part of a general feeling (and yes, effort, too) of relief, happiness, content, and much more. Last night I slept so soundly I was surprised by morning. Haven't done that in forever!

Now THAT is truly something to be thankful for, and I’m very very pleased you had such a restful night. I love when that happens – that deep, wonderfully cosy sleep.

I’m now at the stage (is it age? is it age?) where I get up to PEE in the night! Can you believe it! I feel cross every time it happens, yet I can only assume it’s better for me to be hydrated than not, but…still! It feels far too previously elderly.

You know you write beautifully, right? That first part just drew me in — I was walking in those woods with you and breathing in that air. It made me want to get up from my desk here at work and head for the hills (or in my case, the mountains — as that is the only place we have actual forests in my state). I’m thinking all sorts of good thoughts for your dream to come true. I know how that feels to want something SO much!

hey! (as Cynthia says, ‘once a writer, always a writer’ and (for a variation on my own favorite old saying, ‘w-nce you’ve stepped into the river is will not be the same river that you watched from the shore’) and she (Cynthia) can tell you (or me, ’cause I’m all about watching (and identifying with the other)) clarks and the path that she has traversed in the time since before… very cool (and more important (to me)) is that old saying (yeah, probably a (made-up (as in created for this Comment)) ‘the act of identifying with other clarks always alters the clark in ways always beneficial simply because it is an act of belonging’)
I could count the parenthesiseses but it’s early in a new Day, so I’ll pretend that I won’t (but will come back before I leave and check.)
remember that other old saying, ‘the world is a feeling. you are responsible for how you feel.’

I never liked that responsibility. I find it a difficult one, I suppose because it’s SO much easier to blame other entities/situations for one’s feeling and reactions, rather than taking ownership of them and managing them.

I will try though, and I always appreciate the opportunity to observe others doing just this. I shall keep watching Cynthia and seeing what nuggets of usefulness I can glean 🙂

*grins* GOOD! I might even have that on my gravestone (I’ve never known what I’d like put there…) and YES! I’m having fun doing Real, but also I miss this World Between the Wires, and my friends who live in it.

Thank you for the luck – I’m going to need it to keep me buoyed up and not devolving from nervousness to terror.

Disappointment: I’m battling my scale, too. It’s behaving in all the expected ways for me. When I eat salty popcorn or sugar, it is quick to jump up. And then I am disappointed that I broke my own sugar rule. . . (I refuse to make a rule about popcorn!)

Ergh it’s SO frustrating isn’t it. The worst thing is how short a time it takes to make the numbers go UP, and how easy that is…and how difficult and lengthy a process it is to make the numbers reduce. *sigh* YOU CAN DO IT! No rules about popcorn if I can have no rules about dates and prunes and dried apricots 😉

And thank you – I SO hope I show the right aptitude…there’s just no way of knowing, I don’t think.

Which OKC do you mean? Oklahoma City? Hehe..forgive me…but that would be *so* exciting to have you here in the states. You’ll get in. I can see it.
And…as I read, you know what I was thinking? About the fairies in the movie Pan that I watched last night. You, my friend, are a fairie and you will fly and sparkle in the sky!
And don’t worry about the writing: I’ve found that we ebb and flow. Once a writer, always a writer. I’ve discovered this. Even when my creative juices kick into full gear and I stop blogging for awhile (which was the last year, pretty much) I still thought about writing. It’ll come back. Just roll with it and your creative juices will flow when your cup has been filled: from healing, from rest, and from adequate love. ❤ ❤

YES! THAT OKC 😀 I am for sure going to be in the states NEXT WEEK! So so so very exciting and I am filled with hope and nervousness and I SO want this – I so want to make a good impression and start learning this vocation *sigh* It would be WONDERFUL.

I’ve not seen Pan – is it worth watching? My favourite fairies are in Fantasia or in A Midsummer Night’s Dream (the movie version, which is MOST excellent). I hope I will sparkle.

I will always write. First and foremost I’m a poet, and I think that often comes through even when I write just…writing. Maybe. I don’t know hehe. But YES it comes back and doesn’t leave us. It’s part of us 🙂

I truly really honestly believe that it’s going to work for you, for realz and you better tell me right away how the interview went. I love the walk in the woods – amazing imagery and feelies and magic.

I hope hope hope so! I’ll ring you after and hope you’re around, in your +1 timezone 😉 The interview’s at 11 on Monday so NO idea when I’ll be done, but I’ll call 😀 And YAAAAAYYYY and *crosses all the things*

Thank you so much – I’m really glad you enjoyed my wander through the woods in the World Between the Wires. And…ohmigosh I SO hope I wow them, but the plus is that REGARDLESS, I get to spend a week with Hasty ❤

I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you this week that you get that job and (more importantly!) that it really is the answer to your dreams. I remember when I interviewed for my current job – I was convinced it would never be mine in a million years and here I am in my second year!

Yes, that’s another thing to consider – that it *is* the answer. I really think it is though, at least in a ‘for now or as long as I can make it take’ kind of sense 🙂 I’d love to qualify and who knows what will happen after that, but the position and the training opportunity are SO good, I really *really* don’t want to mess it up 🙂