Spoof news stories from Sunday 20 March 2011

Brian Cox tells us that since the beginning of time gravity has been at work in our universe and forged the stars and set the planets in orbit around the sun in unbounded space.
The astro-physicist spoke about the laws of physics and his love of the universe. The boy-scientist spoke of his love of 'Star Trek' and his delight is discovering that physicists once believed that there really was...

A fresh crisis has hit the troubled coalition Government - an absence of new things to declare war on. Having successfully declared war on terrorism, crime, vandalism, MPs' expenses, old people, young people, babies and Libya the Press Office at Numb...

All over the United Kingdom, the citizens in their droves are experiencing a new phenomenon called Census Completion Disorder (CCD).
CCD is a nervous complaint caused by reading and attempting to fill in the UKs 2011 compulsory Census.
Not withstanding that filling in the Census is against the Data Protection Act, where UK citizens have the right to refuse their data being held on a computer...

BIRMINGHAM, ENG. & NEW YORK - At approximately 2pm, the Apple store in Birmingham's BullRing would be robbed.
But they would not get far.
Reports from eyewitnesses state that a youth dressed in a metallic orange outfit attacking the robber...

Charlie Sheen has hit the road and has abandoned his debauched life of luxury and excess. The former star of "Two and a Half Men" has got 'blue-tooth', sat nav and a sychronized mobile phone installed in the dashboard of his luxury vehicle.
It has come to light that Sheen has tired of life in his palatial, gated mansion and has found it oppressive living with his sex goddesses and instead want...

Good old auntie beeb is continuing the relentless drive against religion now common amongst british television broadcasters.
After driving down television standards with such 'family entertainment' as Eastenders, which contains such wholesome topi...

Gorgeous and talented model Katie Price has just announced an amazing book deal that will catapult her to world wide fame.
The popular star will write seven autobiographies, one each year, for the next seven years that will chart her everyday life...

LOS ANGELES - The man who many say can make a Gaboon Viper slither off and hide recently spoke to a reporter for one of England's top news programs Ta Ta For Now News.
Gervais was asked how he feels when he is compared to another razor sharp tongu...

Chelsea took all three points in this top four struggle - but once again West London was rocking with laughter at the irony.
It seemed Chelsea, for all their effort, were going to come up blank against a resolute City defence - in fact these are t...

Erroneous reports that Sarah Palin was in India to deliver a keynote speech were finally sorted when a local Indiana newspaper was able to get an exclusive interview with the former Governor of Alaska.
"Gosh sakes, no," said Palin. "I have a hard...

US ships deployed off the coast of Libya unleashed 113 deadly Tomahawk missiles yesterday, knocking out the major transportation center that links Tripoli with dozens of camel caravan routes that traverse Northern Africa. With each missile costing n...

Ricky Martin has come out of the closet and has revealed that he is gay and is proud of it. The singer was once a heart throb and girls swooned over him. It has only be revealed recently that Martin actually is gay. This has come to a shock to his...

Hello love, how's the weather over there? Still got some snow but I haven't been out for about 7 months. Our John, no Lesley, Christ why can't I get these names right?...our young 'un round the corner, well he came to do my, well you know, like he does everyweekend.
He didn't stay long, only a week because they're going out tonight for a dream and taking the young 'un with them. He's still l...

It has today been announced by HM Government that a massive publicity offensive will be launched in April to heighten people's awareness of the dangers inherent in being alive.
The Minister for Health will personally supervise the campaign which...

Oh look! a budgie. Isn't it lovely? I had one just like it, a ginger tom it was, but it got run over. Well they did in those days didn't they - not like now.
I don't know what the world is coming to, what with all this sex and violence you see nowadays. My Charlie was never like that - except when he used to tie me to the mangle and hit me with the coal shovel. I blame those mobile phones mysel...

TOKYO - According to an anonymous source inside the Japanese Self Defense forces, the government has begun distribution of packets of a powder to be mixed with water and ingested by terminal radiation victims.
According to the source, this is prom...

Vincent Tabak is in fear for his life in HMP Belmarsh after turning supergrass to prison governor.Tabak has 'dobbed' on the Cockney gang boss Archie Lamb who has been ruling over lags in the jail.
The Dutch man who is in prison after being charged...

In breaking sports headlines, it has just been announced that Tottenham Hotspur manager Harry Redknapp will not be making a media appearance of any kind this coming Tuesday.
Harry, 39, from Bristol, has made either a radio or television interview...

The Laing Art Gallery in Newcastle is currently hosting an exhibition of work by 19th century painter of apocalyptic scenes and divine retribution John Martin.
The region's football teams must have felt these had been brought to life as they suffe...

Female Spoof Writer, Lady G. awoke from her operation earlier today. She had her bunions removed. A year of trying to tippy-toe around some fellow Spoofers had taken its toll on her pretty feet.
She wasn't in any pain when she awoke, which she thought rather strange, considering the pain she'd felt after her boob reduction a few years earlier. Mind you, the nurse HAD forgotten to turn on the...

A woman in the quaint village of Cogley-on-Knob has made a formal complaint to a clothing manufacturer after purchasing a new blouse that had no head hole.
Mrs Catherine Belchor - a former mud-wrestling semi-finalist at the school sports day, 1983...

It has been confirmed that Cheryl Cole's dreams of hosting the US X-Factor are in tatters.
Simon has rebuffed the Geordie beauty whom he has become tired of. He was annoyed that she was playing nurse maid to Derek Hough instead of getting her act...

Earl Spencer is putting together expensive package holidays aimed at the rich but not so famous. This category includes members of The Red Scarf Brigade (Susan Boyle's rich American fanatics).
The Earl, Princess Diana's brother, is expected to hos...

A gay man has spoken of his "shock" and 'Amazement" at being featured in numerous spoof headlines these past few months.
Larry Sabu, 20, said he was simply "minding my own business" while "cruising" the internet for pictures of human-shaped vegeta...

A gay man has crushed his nuts.
Larry Sabu, 20, whipped them out and then began churning the handle until they were well and truly broken up.
And then he ate them: yes, 'Gay man eats his nuts' is always a worthy headline.
"I quite enjoy a sn...

The suspicion that Fabio Capello is wanting the Football Association to put him out of his misery and sack him was confirmed today when the beleaguered England boss reinstated John Terry as national captain.
The decision to replace Rio Ferdinand a...

LONDON - According to a man who claims to be a neighbour, intrepid television survivalist and the youngest Briton to ever summit Mount Everest, Bear Grylls has gone completely mad.
According to his alleged neighbour, Bear Grylls has been indulging...

Despite the collective tightening of belts that is taking place the length and breadth of the country, resources are to be pumped into teaching youngsters how to get enough sleep.
The Children's Commissioner Professor Al Aynsley-Green is very conc...

Controversial British comedian Jim Davidson has had to cancel a nationwide tour of his show "Stand Up And Be Counted" after only 4 weeks due to poor ticket sales.
On his website, Davidson reluctantly announced that "the current economic climate ma...

Troubled Man City striker Mario Balotelli, sent off in the Europa League second leg fixture against Dinamo Kiev, has made a public apology to manager Roberto Mancini .
Although City comfortably beat Kiev 1-0 at Eastlands, they lost 2-1 on aggregate and crashed out of the tournament, putting more pressure on boss Mancini as his side continue to under achieve despite spending hundreds of millions...

The Coalition Government are set to announce a major new initiative that is sure to upset millions of iPhone users and texters.
Theresa May, Secretary of State for the Home Department, today will announce that all service users in the U.K. will be...

Prime Minister David Cameron has rallied Scottish Tories at their annual conference.
Yesterday he told a packed phone box along the road from the Dewars Centre in Perth that the party should "prepare for the realistic expectation that our numbers...

The 83rd International Baked Bean Festival at the O2 Arena in London erupted in chaotic scenes as fights broke out between rival groups over the Finest Accompaniment To Baked Beans Award category.
Adherents of toast were particularly vociferous, a...

CARACAS, Venezuela - Many years ago Linda Ronstadt sang a song titled, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me." And that song could easily become Christina Aguilera's theme song what with her string of bad luck that she has been through lately.
First she flubs the...

LONDON - Well it appears that the cat may be out of the bag according to noted London hair stylist Reginald "Frisky" Friskingham.
The hairdresser who has done the hair of some of the most famous people in England including Simon Cowell, Prince Har...

WASILLA, Alaska - Todd Palin says that lately he has been spending a lot of his time shaking his head at some of the antics of his wife Sarah Louise.
He took a bite out of his caribouburger and said that he longs for the day when his wife Sarah,...

In a revolutionary change of direction just before the Premier League takes an international break, Carlo Ancelotti has introduced innertubes into Chelsea's training.
The Italian feels that Sunday's game against top-four rivals Manchester City is...

BBC bosses will be on tenterhooks tonight, waiting for the public's reaction to their re-edited version of Prof Brian Cox's Wonders of the Universe.
They have adjusted the show to tone down the sound after complaints from viewers said the music an...

LAFAYETTE, LA - How many times have you been on the brink of starvation and driven past a dead animal on the road, thinking to yourself, "If only I knew how to make that thing just a little more palatable, then I wouldn't be so hungry"? Probably neve...

NEW YORK - This week's issue of Time Magazine has been leaked today, listing Col. Gadaffi as Asshole of the Year.
The magazine has decided to replace Person of the Year with Asshole for reasons that are very obvious.
"We were going to put 'Ame...

John Martin's epic canvasses were extremely popular in the early-to-mid 19th Century, with their apocalyptic visions - like The Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. He was even described as the greatest painter of his day by one commentator.
This is the first major exhibition of his work in more than 30 years - an enlarged version arrives at Tate Britain in the Autumn.
We sent Proserpine Gains...

With the Olympic committee drawing up alternate plans for the gun based Olynmpic events in 2012 due to strict gun ownership laws in the UK, David Cameron has proposed an amendment to the gun ownership rules temporarily for the duration of the Games.