How to piss off someone from Seattle

Be a passenger aboard ‘Ride the Duck.’

Fuck the duck: a boat/automobile hybrid as ugly as it is irritating. They’re spread throughout the city like a bad case of the flu, infecting otherwise peaceful avenues with obnoxious, blaring propaganda from a dude on a loudspeaker who is way too jazzed after his umpteenth cup of coffee. Just don’t be one of those tourists. Try walking around the city or getting onboard an actual boat sometime.

Drink Starbucks when Café Zoka’s a mere 10-minute walk away.

Starbucks nowadays is a burnt-bean mess made by under-experienced, over-caffeinated baristas. Just because you take the time to ask me my name after receiving my order for an overpriced, high-caloried, pumpkin-spice latte doesn’t mean you’re doing a good job. Café Zoka, on the other hand, professionally distributes fair-trade serenity with a variety of blends that actually taste different from one another. Going to Starbucks as opposed to Zoka is like eating burnt toast when you could eat not burnt toast. It just doesn’t make sense.

Or just ask if there’s a Starbucks nearby.

No shit there’s a Starbucks nearby — this is the birthplace of consumer society’s most sought-after subpar java beverage. Spare us the unnecessary question and Google Starbucks: cue the 5,000 red pins concentrated within a five-mile radius of where you’re standing.

Get confrontational.

We call it the ‘Seattle Freeze’ for good reason: if you’re trying to start something with one of us, it’s only ever gonna get as far as you trying to start something. We’ll respond to your aggressive with passive-aggressive — or sometimes, we’ll pull our hoods down and not respond at all.

Assume every Seahawks fan is a fair-weather fan.

There are dive-bar-frequenting fans who have been sporting Seahawks merchandise since before you even knew the rules of football. We’ve been drowning our sorrows in happy-hour specials year after year, until we finally got the everlasting glory that we so rightly deserved last season. Sure, there are fair-weather fans — but then again, there’s no such thing as ‘fair weather’ in Seattle. So cut us some slack. Because at least our stadium’s louder than yours.

Compare Portland’s Voodoo Doughnuts to Seattle’s Top Pot Doughnuts.

First off, you’re trying to start up beef, and as has been stated, we don’t do the whole confrontation thing here in Seattle. Second, doughnuts are one of those rare foods that are just kind of hard to fuck up; fact is, both Voodoo and Top Pot kick ass with their colorful, creative pastries. So don’t make an unnecessary competition out of it.

Compare Portland and Seattle.

We’re in a low-key war with Portland over who’s more authentically hipster, and who has more bands you’ve never heard of. Honestly, we’re both great cities with our own great features. Seattle’s Capitol Hill has the uber-hipster Unicorn Bar, with its unicorn taxidermy, Rainier tall boys, jello shots, and artisan corn dogs. Whereas Portland has bands that Natalie Portman likes. So let’s call it even.

Knock on Vitamin-R.

If you’re going to binge drink, it’d better be with Rainier. The affordably priced golden liquid is laden with Cascadian hops so, unlike its competitors, it doesn’t taste like watered-down hobo piss. So don’t be that dude that shows up with a sixer of Bud or Pabst — embrace the times and end your Vitamin-R deficiency.

Post a picture of your visit to the Fremont Troll.

The Fremont Troll is confusing and it’s terrifying. Why are you taking pictures in front of a concrete Cloverfield monster? Go to the Space Needle if you’re trying to capture an iconic symbol of Seattle in a picture.

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