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One Life to Live

May 30, 2013

Yeah, I finally found out what that one line in the theme song is. What does that even mean? Like a tumbler? A wine glass?

I guess everyone is supposed to be writing about General Hospital today because of how utterly head-scratching (and rape-themed, so fun, whee!) it has been for the past two days and, honestly, I could write a whole rant about how they appear to be re-inventing Franco (Franco! The worst idea ever the first time!) as Todd Manning 2: The Darkening so that they can keep Roger Howarth snarking and smirking and menacing instead of letting him stretch as a brand new, unrecognizable character (as I've only ever seen him on OLTL and in a few plays, I had really been looking forward to it.... oops) that doesn't play father to a character portrayed by Kristen Alderson (and you know it's a red letter day when I'm finding her role to be the most compelling of the three thus far). But as you can see from my inability to even complete a clause without throwing in a parenthical (and such random ones at that), my brain is currently imploding over all that madness and I am still in shock (except: yay Dante!) so I'm going to take a brief moment to bask in my very favorite few minutes of today's One Life to Live.

If you've read many of my OLTL posts, you already knew what it's going to be so I won't play coy about it.

As an umpteen-years-unapologetic lover of Todd and Blair, I feel it only fair to point out that I am in no way looking for those two to reunite right now. The crap he pulled toward the end of ABCOLTL and then what he did to their daughter over on GH means that I could not possibly buy a reunion between them. She should not take him back right now. Plus, we also know Howarth's not around full-time and permanently, so there's no point being naive about it. So all I ask is that the depths of what they had (and have) being acknowledged and addressed. Someday, somehow, they'll find their way back. Even though it's not now. And if we get that, I'm golden. And we're getting that.

I should also put it out there that I don't generally love it when Kassie DePaiva (or anyone in soaps, for that matter) (except maybe Jack Wagner) (oh and Rick Springfield, duh) sings on the show, but it's just something I usually shrug off. It's generally some sort of adult contemporary something-or-other (or easy-listening?) (I CAN'T STOP THE PARENTHETICALS, HELP ME) and that genre kind of creeps me out, but look. If DePaiva is a shrewd enough businesswoman to make sure she gets to sing on the show to promote her part-time pursuits, more power to her. I know a thing or two about part-time pursuits.

But damn. Today? It was just all there. The longing, the realization that maybe it's lost for good this time, the vulnerability, all that history of love and hatred and fear.

First of all, he introduced her as Blair Manning and she didn't fight him on it!

May 28, 2013

So sorry for my pathetic silence, especially in light of such fun stuff on OLTL last week. I have been working too hard playing too hard and sleeping not at all and I'm just running on fumes here. So let's just dive in with some totally random non-sequiturs about today's episode of One Life to Live.

First of all, Tea thinks Jack was always the more grounded one of Todd's kids? Did someone give her forget-me-now pills about basically every interaction she's ever had with him?

Second of all, Bo not understanding that Snoop Dogg is now Snoop Lion was the cutest ever.

Nora: It's Snoop Lion, honey.

Bo: Snoop don't lie, honey!

As awkward as Snoop's visits always are, they'll never fail for me just because of the whole incongruity in his alleged friendship with Bo and Nora. Sure, we had sit through his movie plug, but we also got that hilarious explanation of his name change, complete with Bo getting all starry-eyed and nostalgic about all that meaningful time he spent in Jamaica. OF COURSE HE DID!

Viki and Natalie finally got some mother/daughter time! Correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like we've only seen them on phone calls with each other but not actually sharing a scene. I love their relationship.

I can't lie, though. I'm a bit disappointed that Natalie's storyline is picking up steam and it seems to be about John. Despite having been won over at the end, I hadn't ever been a fan of that couple (I much preferred her with Jared and Cristian, both men who liked her bad-girl streak and loved her like crazy). I know they were beloved but for me personally he took away a lot of her fire.

May 19, 2013

We have been terrible at posting these, but they are still happening! Check out our monthly column in Soap Opera Digest, where this month we sounded off on our thoughts on GH as well as the returns of OLTL and AMC.

My Takeby Mallory Harlen

I’ve become increasingly concerned
for the citizens of Port Charles. And not just because of the dangers they face
on a regular basis: constant mob wars, plans by supervillains that throw the
entire town into chaos, the constant threat that you’ll catch Carly on a bad
day and you’ll be collateral damage in her latest vendetta (or, worse, that
she’ll start to confide in you about her problems). No, I’m more worried about
what will happen to them once they are admitted to General Hospital, likely for
injuries sustained in any of the aforementioned situations, because the medical
care they are likely to receive there is questionable. Does anyone really feel
comfortable right now putting their lives in Patrick’s hands?

It’s not that I object to Patrick
being trapped by a crazy woman claiming to be pregnant with his child—well,
actually, I do object to that because of all people on this show, Patrick
should be most aware of having protected sex! Not that I think for a minute
that Britt is actually pregnant with his child, but still!—because that is one
of the most famous tropes in all of soapdom. And this particular crazy woman
has an even crazier backstory: she’s the daughter of Faison and Dr. Obrecht,
making Robin’s fake-death a huge part of the story. Plus, if I’m being
perfectly honest…anything that complicates Patrick and Sabrina’s relationship
is all right by me. I say that not as someone who refuses to see Patrick move
on with anybody but Robin, because I think there is a boatload of potential for
a really good Patrick romance (Jason Thompson is off the charts charming, after
all); I say it as someone who is consistently amused at just how ridiculous
Sabrina can be. She’s a grown woman, with a professional career who excelled in
nursing school and she has the personality of a sixth grader; an immature sixth
grader whose idea of romance is based purely on Disney movies and fairytales.
She’s cloying and uninteresting and I have no idea why Patrick is interested in
her at all, aside from the kudos she’s received from Emma.

May 14, 2013

Okay, I'm probably overstating the case considerably. But I have been waiting years for Blair and Natalie to hang out.

The fun trouble they could cause! But they really barely ever interacted on OLTLABC, I guess because they made Nat spend so many years pretending to be squeaky clean so she could meet John McBain's boring standards or... something. Anyway, I have absolutely no idea if this will lead to anything, but it was a start and I was nonetheless gleeful!

Plus, once again we see that Natalie looks better than ever and someone on that show realizes they should feature that (finally).

I wasn't crazy about the fabric of her dress, but at least it was damn flattering and the appropriate parties noticed!

And Natalie is definitely noticing Cutter, too:

"What is it about bad boys?"

(To be fair, Rama's response was even better: "I don't know, I just work here.")

Speaking of people looking good in their outfits, Téa slid weeping down the last wall against which she got nailed by Victor, but she was wearing such a cute dress while doing it!

May 07, 2013

Today started rough, y'all. As I'm sure many of you experienced, for some technical reason Hulu had not posted today's new One Life to Live by morning -- and it's become my getting-dressed routine! Add to that the fact that my television's HDMI ports have been on the fritz so I couldn't put anything on the TV and just had to get ready in silence like some CAVEPERSON! And then we won't even get into what happened at work today, but it might have had something to do with a pair of pants I had SPLITTING when I bent over to file something and might have resulted in my having to fashion a pashmina into some sort of skirt-esque thing for the subway ride home. It might have! BUT I'M NOT SAYING.

But I came home and I got industrious and I signed up for my free trial at Hulu Plus and I did some HDMI trouble-shooting and I hooked up my brand new darling Roku and I got to watch a new OLTL on actual television for the first time since January of 2012! So that calls for just a straight recap, doesn't it?

Here we go!

Poor Vimal. He's sad that Rama is going to work, where he's sure men constantly undress her with their eyes. Or not with their eyes.

And he can hardly blame them!

She reminds him what an open marriage is, which he doesn't much care to think about since he's clearly only doing this because he's a sad little fellow who will do anything instead of lose her.

And now we're at the Peach Pit After Dark. (Or "Shelter," or whatever.) There's a guest DJ and it's... Nervo? Something? I don't know. The more of these kinds of guests they have, the more confused I'm going to be, let's face it. There's some other guest star playing some sort of a drug dealer named Jamie (I understand there's a whole story behind this guy and James Franco and some movie and I can't really pretend any of it interests me). The point is that he needs his "moneys."

Cutter looks displeased with this whole thing. (Riff Raff, is that his name? Lord I feel a million years old right now.)

Bo and Nora are kickin' back with some red wine and it makes me want some. It makes them want each other.

Todd has a bit of the iced tea (I mean bourbon?) that Victor spiked with what I think was arsenic.

Credits!

Jack's shirt is never going to be okay, but Viki is just so lovely at the end each time.

I am super-dumb. I thought Hulu Plus didn't have commercials. It does. Just not as many, I guess?

Some sort of drug pusher is trying to get Dani to take... ecstasy? Is that it? She's trying to resist but is clearly tempted.

Nora is telling Bo about her days as a college radio DJ.

Back at the Peach Pit After Dark, Jamie has some of his hangers-on make out with each other a little. Both his facial hair and his head hair are frightening me, and I mostly can't understand what he's saying. He wildly resembles Gary Oldman's character from True Romance.

May 01, 2013

Y'all, I have in no way calmed down or adjusted to this little fantasy world we're now living in where we can wake up to new episodes of One Life to Live every day.

And it's just getting better, really. The first episode really had to cram everyone in, have an event as a set-piece, and give at least basic teasers for all the major plotlines. Since then, they've settled in a bit and we're delving a little deeper without having to spread everyone too thin. Tuesday's episode had the odd hiccup of Victor's big "back from the dead" return being pretty much the most anticlimactic entrance of a zombie anyone's ever seen -- most people just looked a little surprised or unnerved that he was in town but, you know, not enough to actually ask him why or how. I mean come on! They even ask for I.D. on Amtrak now!

But today, they awesomely finally let someone think it was a big freakin' deal. To be fair, the long-time residents of Llanview probably see about three or four people come back from the dead in a slow year, so it's really more like getting a surprise phone call. Dani, however, has only been in town a few years so it's a little more shocking (though of course the last guy she thought was her dad before she thought Victor was her dad was also presumed dead and then turned up out of nowhere still alive, and then turned up one more time way shorter and promptly got very dead again).

Téa was so excited for Dani to see that Victor's alive that it didn't occur to her to, say, check with a doctor or even just tell her hospitalized, recently-overdosed daughter that she about to get a visit from The Walking Dead, but that's so very Téa of her, isn't it?

Look, sweetie, A GHOST!

Dani's immediate reaction was not calm joy, which must have been confusing to her mother.

But she got over it pretty quickly and accepted his mortality, or immortality as the case may be. No questions asked, naturally!

Speaking of Dani's dads, her third one got the scenes I'd been dying for.

Todd and his big sister, together again! Erika Slezak and Roger Howarth have always just been dynamite in scenes together, and I love how Viki grounds him and tries to keep him in line and he just can't help but soften.

Love it! And they even got into their little newspaper-publishing competitive sibling rivalry. I think my favorite new thing about the reboot so far might be how it's positioned journalism as a central theme, and that had long been missing as a foundation of this show.

And Todd got to call Viki on her actual "bullshit!" And did I mention that yesterday Blair finally got to just tell it like it is and call Todd an "asshole" instead of the "YOU BASTARD" we've been hearing for decades? JOY. PURE JOY.

Todd filled Viki in on how he had a brief fling with a lady person back in Port Charles and pretended to be glad it's over since she was so high-maintenance (Carly is indeed that, my friend!), at which point Viki hilariously asked if he could say that about any woman after Blair. Yeah, Vikster, it was really Blair that was the high-maintenance one in that relationship! Love it. (Oh man, I'm really going to have to come up with variances on "love it," aren't I? IT'S JUST THAT I LOVE IT SO MUCH.)

April 29, 2013

Our afternoons have felt undeniably sadder ever since ALL MY CHILDREN and ONE LIFE TO LIVE aired their finales. There are still times that we'll look at the clock during the 1 and 2PM hours and sigh wistfully. "What sort of nefarious plots would David Hayward be hatching right now, with that smug smile of his?" We ask. “In what regal and well-intentioned manner would Dorian Lord screw up the lives of everyone she loves this week and, most importantly, which hat would she be wearing while doing it?” We wonder. Our lives were a little emptier without the Chandlers and the Hubbards and Ryan Lavery (just kidding--we wanted to inject a little levity here before the schmaltz police arrested us.) The days seemed a little longer and lonelier without the Buchanans and the Hubbards and Robert Ford (okay, kidding again on that last one).

But--and it's actually impossible for us to overstate our excitement about this. It's like our birthdays and a year's worth of holidays, plus our teams winning the Super Bowl and World Series all at once. And even that comparison is a little subdued compared to how we're actually feeling--we are finally going to be reunited with our friends in Llanview and Pine Valley, because All My Children and One Life to Live are officially returning to our lives on April 29th. Can we all join hands and squeal excitedly right now? Just think about some of the characters we'll get to see again!

Pine Valley was never quite the same after Adam Chandler left town, so when it was announced that David Canary would be returning to the role (roles? Dare we hope that we’ll see Stuart, too? Preferably a lot. We could all use some of his sweetness) that made him a daytime icon, we couldn’t contain our glee. He’s the PERFECT character to bring to the new AMC, because he has a special relationship (and usually a feud) with almost every character on All My Children . The Chandler family and their assorted loved ones all had, shall we say…complicated feelings towards him (“complicated” is an understatement, but “his entire family spends most of their time hating him and simultaneously striving for his approval” takes too long to type). He’s been married at some point to basically every woman in town, so romantic tension follows him wherever he goes. He’s made business enemies thanks to his cutthroat tactics and he’s made enemies of neighbors just for…well, just for existing. Is he still with Brooke (we hope so)? What's his relationship with JR like (probably frought with tension, considering that is their default state and there's, you know, the whole matter of JR shooting a gun during a crowded party. A parent would frown on that, we think)? Does David Hayward still have dramatic and strangely loud monologues about his evil plans and schemes for those who have wronged him? How many times has he been arrested since we last saw him? It's got to be at least a dozen. We're sure that Zach has spent his time offscreen doing all sorts of soapy and dramatic things that, yeah, sure, we can't wait to hear about--as soon as he tells us where Kendall is. Do Angie and Jesse still set the gold standard for most wonderful television couple? We have a feeling we know the answer to that question, but we can't wait to see it onscreen.

Todd Manning will be back among his fellow Llanview-ites and the anticipation level cannot be exaggerated. It’s not that we didn’t have any fun watching him over on General Hospital, but he is most fascinating opposite those with which he has decades of history. Sure, it’s fun to watch him snark on every stranger he sees in some other town, but after a while it started to feel like he wasn’t much more than just another law-evading criminal and jerk with an unusually good sense of humor. How much is everyone looking forward to Todd getting a classic berating-but-loving talking-to from his big sister Viki? Almost as psyched as we are to see Todd get in some time with his adorable little nephew and Spiderman-bonding buddy Sam. (Oh yeah, and there’s that small issue of Blair, the love of his life. Some of us are KIND OF INTO THAT.)

And look out, men of Llanview, because local trouble-making hot redhead Natalie Banks appears to be single again. Has motherhood tamed her? We’ve all seen those previews: doesn’t look like it, and for that we are supremely grateful. The ads are teasing a possible connection with Cutter, a union that definitely has potential. For those of us who loved her with Jared, it’s always great to see her with a bad boy (with a heart of gold!) who can fully appreciate both her good and her more mischievous side. We can’t wait to see if Clint and Viki tied the knot and how Bo and Nora are doing as grandparents and how one Téa Francesca Delgado is coping with her myriad of losses. Have Rama and Vimal managed to stick together, and what the heck happened to Dorian’s congressional career? (We bet her outfits were just too awesome for the Senate floor.) And what of David Vickers? Has he been able to match the cinematic success of Vickerman, The David Vickers Story or is he having a string of failures like The Boy with the Chipmunk Tattoo? We’re coming to all of these people with a huge new appreciation: we get spoiled by seeing our soaps every day for decades on end and we kick and scream when our characters aren’t doing exactly what we want them to be doing. But now we’ve learned what life is like without them and we’re ready to welcome them back with open arms, even when they’re picking the wrong mate or taking the worst side in a battle or acting wildly out of character. (And we’ll totally keep that attitude for at least a week. Probably.)

AMC and OLTL will be airing half-hour long episodes every weekday and thanks to Hulu, you can watch on your computer screen (and then immediately run over to Serial Drama to leave exclamation filled comments to convey your excitement. We're still not overstating our happiness) two ways: Hulu.com and Hulu Plus. Hulu.com is completely free and allows you to watch the latest episode right from your computer screen. Hulu Plus is a subscription service: for $7.99 a month, you get to watch ALL episodes through mobile devices and have access to the Hulu library (want to try it for a week? Click here!)

To continue the theme of Things That Are Exciting and Awesome, we also want to announce a sweepstakes! One lucky Serial Drama winner will win a yearlong subscription to Hulu Plus and a chance to win the Grand Prize, a Roku. All you have to do is show your soap love: tell us which Pine Valley or Llanview character you're most excited to see!

**Sweepstakes Rules:No duplicate comments. You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods: a. Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this postb:Tweet (public message) about this promotion; including exactly the following unique term in your tweet message: "#SweepstakesEntry"; and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this postc: Blog about this promotion, including a disclosure that you are receiving a sweepstakes entry in exchange for writing the blog post, and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this postd: For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected. The Official Rules are available here.

This sweepstakes runs from 4/29/2013-5/26/2013

Be sure to visit the sponsor's brand page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers reviews and find more chances to win!

Okay, this is just surreal. It might be the ridiculous amounts of coffee, but my hands are a little shaky as I sit down to type this out and I actually clicked on the "One Life to Live" category for this post and it wasn't about anticipation and it wasn't about OLTL characters on another show, but about today's new episode.

Today's new episode!

There's so much to say and it's nearly impossible not just to offer up a blow-by-blow account with lots of squealing and every single frame screencapped, but that would be silly so let's just dive into a few major points. Like this one: speaking of blow-by-blow, here's my favorite "no more network censors!" moment....

Love it. Love it!

And another thing I'm super-psyched about right off the bat? Somebody's finally realized that Melissa Archer is insanely hot and dressing her like it. Those of you who were with me here for the last couple years of the ABC version of the show might recall how annoyed I'd get when they mysteriously made her frumpy so often when the woman is just lightning hot. Someone realized!

And oh yeah, I'm pretty much already a hardcore Natalie/Cutter 'shipper. That was fast!

April 28, 2013

Oh wait, I shouldn't watch. Here's a poll that I developed after combing the internet and finding the most popular reasons that people are not going to watch the revived All My Children and One Life to Live and I think you'll all agree that this is how we should live and think and we should totally not watch. Vote now on why you absolutely will not watch! Check your pick!

_ I refuse to pay to watch soaps, even though you absolutely can watch them for free.

_ I watched a 118-second promo video and I can already tell that THEY HATE THE FANS AND DON'T CARE ABOUT THE VETS!

_ I base all my viewing decisions on routine entertainment litigation and obviously Prospect Park is a super-evil production company and the first to ever sue a television network and therefore it is my moral obligation to refuse to watch a show that, actually, earns ABC money if I watch it.

_ Prospect Park told us we'd keep AMC and OLTL online and it would happen in January of 2012 and it didn't happen because they couldn't put the money together and that is just wrong and they are mean and cannot be trusted so I will not watch the shows that they literally brought back from the dead later than they had hoped.

_ Serial drama is just dead, forget it. The proof is in the pudding, which is something like 400 serial dramas currently on TV.

_ There are only four episodes a week. SACRILEGE. I'd rather have no soaps than a 20% reduction in story content!

_ I am sub-human and I do not like David Canary or Erika Slezak because, really, who would?

_ I do not have the internet, despite the fact that I am currently on the internet reading this dumb poll.

_ My favorite couple is not together, so obviously everyone hates me AND WANTS TO RUIN THE GENRE.