One month

I just got laid for the first time in over six weeks. This ain’t a joke. Now… that’s a topic for another post ft putting acid up my vagina to cure it! Let’s talk about other things that have happened in the past month, shall we? While I’m feeling post-orgasm enlightenment. I bet you’re dying right now of shame. I think you should be cheerin’ for me. Wooo ya girl just got laid.

Okay so one month ago I decided I was going to start a meal plan. Something I haven’t spoken too much on actually is cfs and weight gain. I’ve gained 10kg++ in the past year of being chronically ill. It’s honestly been the hardest part. I’m not kidding. I am so attached to my extremely thin frame that it’s been an emotional loss. Which is wholly ridiculous because I’m still super thin. Yay for societal pressures to be tragically thin and normalised disordered eating amongst humans!

I was going to make a meal plan but I was tired. At this exact time last year I started doing the Kayla Itsine’s meal plan. Now… I’m the last person to subscribe to some celebrity binches idea of health but I remember first coming across her app in the app store. It had a free trial and then I was absolutely sold when I realised she had vegan meal plans!! I have never ever done a kayla workout. I’m not about that life. I did this meal plan for about a month and then got too busy with working full time amongst being chronically ill that I just somehow let it slip.

I remember that I then went to a naturopath a few months later and when we discussed what had worked I recalled feeling amazing on the kayla diet. I sound so absolutely stupid calling it the kayla diet but WHATEVER. I’m like 100% sure she paid some lowly dietician a couple hunnit to come up with a balanced meal plan and they never saw any of the revenue from the app itself hahaha. I’m so shady on instagram fitness people! Sorry Kayla if you’re a completely nice human or something. So the naturopath recommended I re-start the diet since it was the time during my illness I felt the best. As in… I was working full time again (and just dying internally as opposed to externally too).

I never did re-start the diet because I was too tired.

You see… I have a problem. I have been reluctant to speak about this meal plan/diet because I feel guilty. This is ridiculous, I know. But since I’ve been on this diet for the past month I’ve yet again felt amazing surges of energy and clarity. I just feel that people could think cleaning up your diet could seriously “cure” cfs and I really don’t want that misunderstanding occurring. I also feel guilty because the diet is gluten free. I have been tested and I’m not a celiac. I somehow feel that I’ve been so ill due to SOMETHING relating to fucking gluten. I know I sound like every other millennial who goes gluten free BY CHOICE. Then again… I feel like men have made up this stereotype that attractive thin white girls on instagram go gluten free because “it just works for me” when in reality that ain’t even a thing. PS: DON’T TRUST MEN (ever, about anything). I feel completely irrational thinking that somehow gluten has affected me this badly. Everyone shouts out the “correlation does not equal causation” bullshit to me but… what a coincidence? Every time I go on this diet which is gluten free I feel like a new world have opened up for me. It could also just be that my body works better on low carb/no sugar etcetc

The point is… I feel fucking guilty that I hadn’t worked this out sooner and cut out gluten/stabilised my blood sugar this good before from low carb/cut out refined sugar. I know in my dumb ass brain that hindsight is magical. I know it doesn’t work like that. I know I haven’t purposefully sabotaged my entire life just to complain about it every day to people around me. I KNOW. But I feel an immense wave of guilt every time I think about it. I SHOULD have been eating the healthiest ever. I SHOULD have been shoving kale up my ass every morning. I SHOULD have been deep throating cucumbers by night.

Another concept that is hard to grasp is that when I say I was too tired to be on this diet before, I mean I seriously fucking was. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t make food. It’s really a catch 22. You probably need to eat amazingly well to feel any noticeable change, and even then nothing might change and then you’ve just wasted all your energy. But you can’t get out of bed to make those changes. So you’re the same level of tired. And the cycle continues.

This means that naturally I’ve had to let my recovery get to a stage where I was in a position energy-wise to make these massive diet changes. I’ve seriously noticed that I spend about 3 times the amount of time I used to in the kitchen. It feels like my whole life is cooking. It takes a lot of energy. I still can’t physically do it if I’ve had a day where I’ve had to work or expend a lot of energy.

BUT

I have been feeling next level amazing. This feeling to me is being able to be so alert that you can read/crack some hilarious jokes/feel human/go to work and not HATE it because you feel like death/not have anxiety if you have something on the next day because you know your new baseline is “okay” mostly every single day.

I’ve also seen a noticeable change in fat loss. I always gain weight around my hips and it’s been the first to go. Seriously… it feels even better that I’ve noticed weight changes because that was never my desired intention! Lately I’ve noticed my ass has lost so much weight and is getting quite peachy. It’s always been the most lit ass you’ve ever stumbled your eyes upon though. Don’t think otherwise.

Also, I’m never ever bloated. And I don’t have stomach issues. This has been a MAJOR problem for me for as long as I can remember. I’ve always looked 3 months pregnant post-food-consumption. I always fart non-stop all day. Now I eat a MASSIVE meal on this diet WITH A FUCK TONNE OF BEANS IN IT and I don’t even fart once. I don’t even get bloated. Nothing happens.

It’s truly making the whole food and eating experience boring/a dream. Another thing is that there’s 3 meals and two snacks a day. It’s high protein and low carb. I alllwaayyyyssss feel so satisfied after a meal. I never crave sugar after a meal anymore as that little snack I feel I deserve. I don’t know what’s happened and I’m no science person but I feel like all this fucking protein is just sating my hunger completely. Or I’m getting all the nutrients I need. Or low carb makes a lot of stabilised long lasting energy so I don’t need sugar to get short bursts of energy from carby sugar feasts. I don’t know. All I know is that it’s just next level the best.

Another cool thing is that it feels like I’m constantly eating. I’m always topping up hunger levels so I never get to a point where I’m starving and giving in to ridiculous cravings out of sheer desperation to survive. I’ve had a few times where I’ve been at work and unable to eat for a few hours and I turn in to a fucking monster. I just need to eat all of the carbs in the world or I’ll die. But when I’m eating on this diet wow I just never think about food besides when I’m eating or preparing food, you know? It’s not the centre of my universe anymore. It just takes the trouble of having to think about what to eat, feeling guilty for making “bad” choices when you do decide etcetc

Also, because it’s a planned diet I suppose it takes out those short term decision making cravings. You’re not like I feel like fries right now because I’m sad. You just don’t think about food and then you’re like oh fuck it’s probs snack time and it says I’m gonna eat an apple, okay. And you eat the fucking apple.

For anyone who spends time with my on the reg you’ll know how I always sound like a kayla promoter. KAYLA PAY ME TO PROMOTE YA SHIT GIRLLLLL. I honestly sound like a sales person.

All I know is that this meal plan thingy is doing wonders for me and in the process I’m feeling so together and adult and alert and with it. I’m like heck yeh I eat instagrammable food every meal and drink green juices and shit, LOOK AT ME ADULT. Look at me succeed. Go get em, tiger!!

Another cool thing is that I don’t think I’ve actually lost any weight. I set out to not measure success by scales but how I feel. I guess you can tell I’m feelin’ hunnit and that’s all that matters to me!