You are important. You are beautiful and kind. You are smart. I know you’ve been hurt. And that you tried to do the right thing. I know you are telling the truth. What happened was wrong. Most important, and no matter what they said, it was not ALL your fault.

And that’s the truth.

Before you read on, let the opening thoughts sit with you. Allow them in.

Now take a deep breath and we’ll continue.

This post will cover:

3 Destructive Patterns from Narcissistic Abuse

If you see yourself in any of these patterns you might choose to add them to your list for Letting Go.

First, a little review on the point of letting go.

We let go to clear away ego residue that denies us inner freedom. What is ego? A mind/body program designed to keep us safe.

“What could be wrong with that?” you ask.

Nothing.

Except it’s rarely necessary and get’s out of hand. The ego is much like, “Chicken Little,” overreacting to the slightest noise.

In human history, our inner chicken was handy when dangers were high. The problem is, most of us are not in immediate peril.

Ego over-reacts.

“The sky is falling!”

~ Chicken Little, having been hit on the head by a tiny acorn

Fear is the ego’s favourite tune.

Unmanaged fear (the residue I mentioned) is stored in the most precious place. Our body. Over time, all this negative garbage piles up inside. It hits critical mass and we get sick. Now we’ve got problems. Issues like depression, obesity, autoimmune disorders, career and financial failings, relationship disaster and chronic pain plague us.

Letting Go is the solution.

Learning how to let goclears away negative debris created by your ego. Letting go offers a pathway to inner and outer freedom.

Consider this powerful question.

What are you carrying (right now) that if you Let it Go would make life better?

I’ll go first…

I am the survivor of childhood narcissistic abuse by my Mother.

There.

I said it.

And since speaking those words, my only intention is to let it go.

Caveat:

Now it’s not culturally acceptable to go where I’m going in this post. Mothers are sacred. Off limits. Never suggest a mother could be flawed or pay the price. But the truth is, we are all flawed. All running, to some extent, by destructive ego programs.

One more thing. I’m not blaming my Mother. She is a product of her upbringing. Her childhood was traumatic and violent. At least that’s what she said. For her, it might have been dangerous to feel. As a defense, she developed a hyper-protective ego with limited empathy. Then she built a life where she controlled as much as possible to survive.

So, what happens to one’s ego being raised by a narcissist? And what opportunities does this dynamic create for our Letting Go Practice?

Letting Go Opportunities from Narcissistic Abuse…

In my case,

Chronic low self-esteem / poor self-worth

Difficulty trusting the right people (especially women)

Trusting the wrong people

Being a pleaser (unchecked, turns into Do-Gooder – Yikes!)

The absence of boundaries (Comedian, Amy Schumer takes her mother to a soccer game to show her what boundaries look like.)

Being either wildly ambitious or brutally self-sabotaging (sometimes in the same day)

As a highly sensitive / empathic child, I agreed (unconsciously) to “carry” the negative feelings of others. When a parent, sibling or teacher was upset, I felt it. Deeply. I’m naturally drawn to putting myself in your shoes. Feeling what you feel, good or bad. Yet empathy is a double-edged sword.

Our body holds limited space from which to carry emotions and experiences. Lugging around the emotions of others takes up valuable real estate in your body.

It’s not long before you become overwhelmed with negative emotion. Pack too much and you risk a breakdown.

Have you ever felt like a work horse strapped to a wagon filled with negative feelings?

Highly sensitive children tend to be intuitive. This wonderful ability can make life more vibrant. It can also attract those lacking in intuition.

Are you intuitive? So intuitive, you could throw up a shingle and do readings for the general public?

In some cases, intuition is a dead giveaway to being raised by a narcissist. Makes sense really. You’re told over and over (in so many ways) that your feelings don’t matter. This programming causes you to become hyper-aware of others. Thanks to your narc parent, you can literally walk into a room filled with people and pick up on the feeling (sometimes thinking) state of anyone you chose. It’s a superhero power!

Highly intuitive people are also known as empaths, intuitives, clairvoyants, psychics, and healers.

When I shared this charm, people would marvel, “That’s amazing! You read me like a cheap novel. How’d you do that?!”

For years my response was, “Oh, I grew up with an angry mother. I had to know the mood she was in before she came around the corner. Ha ha!” I made light of it.

The Trade-off to Being Highly Intuitive

So here’s the rub.

The empath, (maybe you) is a gifted read on others, yet often oblivious to their own feelings.

Lose your feelings, lose yourself.

What do I want?

I’m not sure.

Is this relationship right for me?

Maybe. I can’t really tell.

Do I take this job?

I wish I knew.

Can I trust this person?

Errr…

Who the heck am I?

I don’t know!

Do you always need to know what you’re feeling?!

No. You don’t need to know what you’re feeling. But you need to know that you ARE feeling. Numbness may be an asset in the dentist chair but it is not helpful for letting go.

The last pattern I’ll share is a doozie. Until I uncovered this dynamic, my ego felt justified playing small. You’ll see why this awareness is a game changer.

Destructive Pattern #3 – Playing the Envy Game

Besides lacking empathy and intuition, narcissists tend to have low self-worth. Yet, they never want the world to know. Instead, they brood with envy at the accomplishments of others. A narcissist mother envies her child.

Imagine each time the child achieves her parent’s response is negative. A subtle eye roll, a huff, some comment about how the parent was equal (or superior) at the same age. It might just be a non-reaction (meh.) Whatever the parent’s response, an empathic child cannot escape it.

Take winning for example. If your winning makes Mommy look good then, you win (a little). But if your winning makes Mommy envious, you lose. She may attack for no reason or ignore you completely. It’s crazy making at its finest, folks. And, it never ends.

My mother would find ways to make everything about her.

Here’s a recent example…

Me: Hey Mom, guess what?

Mom: Huh?

Me: I graduated with my Master’s Degree. I earned my MA!

Mom: Oh. <yawn> Hey, did I tell you about the get-together we had at the clubhouse last Monday? <suddenly energized> I made chili and it was soooo good! Everybody raved about it. Of course I didn’t follow a recipe. But when I made it this time, I just had to add…blah, blah, chili, blah…Oh and before I forget, do you have time to give me a pedicure next week?

Me: That’s great Mom. Sounds like your chili was a hit. Uh, Tuesday morning I could paint your toenails.

When this happened, I went numb. I let my Mother’s lack-luster response define how I felt about my achievement. Her envy held an expectation, maybe even a threat, “Play small, or else!”

Now it’s your turn (if you like) to consider:

Do I carry the negative feelings of others?

Does my intuition serve the needs of others more than myself?

Am I in relationships with those who don’t want the BEST for me?

We covered three destructive patterns emerging from narcissistic abuse. Getting clear on the issues you need to let go of starts the ball in motion. I like to uncover, write it down and get to work letting go!

Remember…

No matter what happened, you only need ONE THING to effectively let go.

A Letting Go Practice yields results. All you need is a willingness to let go. Then, learn the simple letting go method and voila! You’re on your way to releasing pent up negativity, disease and chronic pain.

Let’s paint a picture. I’ll use myself as the subject because I know how people love blogs written in the 3rd person 🙂 (Haha! It’s letting go time!)

How Easily We Forget

Doree receives some disturbing news. She becomes emotionally distraught. Forgetting to let go, she makes a mindless choice between two doorways. Behind Door 1 we witness a dramatic melt down. Doree could let go, but she’s too busy being a Drama Queen.

Behind Door 2 it’s dark. If Doree pushes through this door, we won’t see her for some time. If we do, it’s too dark for her to see us.This is the door leading to shame, guilt and self-loathing. For Doree it is the darkest place.

In the past, loving friends have knocked on both doors.

“I’m sorry this is happening Doree. You know, you could let it go.”

In the early days of letting go a friend would knock many times. These days a knock gets results as Doree flings open the door and says,

“Oh yah. I can let go! Why didn’t I think of it?! Thanks for reminding me.”

How to Keep the Fire Going in Your Letting Go Practice

Like many people, I feel excitement tapping into self-help. I have a deep inner desire to learn and grow. The ideas ignite inside me. I’m on fire with possibilities! Like a piece of metal, I become flexible with heat. But just like metal, put out the fire and I go back to being rigid.

So how do I keep the fire going in my letting go practice? How do I stay flexible and open? How do I remember I have the choice to let go?

One way is to enlist your loved ones as champions. Share how, in the past, you’d “juice” the negativity.

“You know how that topic would get me on a rant? Well, I’m intending to do something different from now on. I’m going to let it go. And, if you like, you could help me.”

When your loved one sees you struggle, ask them to gently remind you.

“I wonder, dearest… If you might let that go.”

Post-it notes saying, “Let Go” are great reminders. Beginning and ending each day with some letting go time might help too.

Just admitting you tend to go unconscious at stressful times is a huge start.

So you hear about this simple yet effective method to achieve inner freedom. It’s free and available round the clock. Even when you can’t sleep. You’re impressed with the possibilities. “That’s worth a try!” you declare.

Only at your first, second and perhaps 10th attempt, there appears to be a problem.

The ego-mind is sneaky. When it senses you’re heading for freedom (from pain), ego swings into action. Programs and beliefs against letting go are loaded. Of course you can’t feel. You’ve been stunned by limiting beliefs!

Something else. As you know, having a quiet mind is essential to letting go.

But thinking about not feeling has got you thinking.

Ahhh! (see what I mean by sneaky?)

Ego – 2 Self – 0

Don’t get discouraged. You’ve got this. Let’s cancel all the mental silliness and get back to noticing what’s going on from a quiet mind. Remember, each time you sense a comment emerging from the peanut gallery, “Shush it!” Shhh!

Key Point: Do not allow the negative thought to form.

Oh and if you can sense a thought forming then you CAN feel something. Gotcha!

The, “can’t feel the body” stuff is just resistance (thanks ego). It will pass and you will feel plenty.

Your intention is:

…to let go what stands in the way of my inner freedom and happiness

Stick to this (or some version of it that fits for you). Don’t give up. It’s the intention that drives the entire process.

If this is your lament, you’re in abundant company! I get many letters requesting input on some version of quieting the busy mind. So what’s it all about? This thing we call, “my mind?”

Let’s lift the curtain and have a look.

Our minds are run by a human system (more on this) acting against inner peace and quiet. Many people live entire lifetimes filled with non-stop mind chatter. The only relief comes with sleep, being unconscious or sedated by drugs or TV. It rarely occurs to us that we could have some quiet-time upstairs.

A noisy mind is a wall to personal growth while a quiet mind is a keystone.

~ Doree Blake

We exist in a world addicted to negative thinking. Our minds are rumpus rooms of random thoughts, regretful stories, prideful opinions and fear-mongering news.

The moment you declare your desire to have some peace and quiet, the fun starts. It gets worse. More random thoughts ignite. Analysis and inner debate ensue. All held by the belief, “I am my thoughts.”

Utter nonsense.

Unsolicited thoughts, opinions, musings, criticisms, stories of what happened are never you. Never.

“If you were your thoughts, then you could stop them.”

~ Dr David R Hawkins

Not you, thoughts emerge from an impersonal system called, ego. Hacking into this system can be eye-opening and eventually, liberating. It’s a game changer and worth further study. *Some of my study is featured in this blog.

Ready to Unplug?

The greater your understanding of the human-ego wiring, the closer you are to unplugging it. Why would you want to unplug? Because who you really are (your True and gentle Self) lives underneath. This True Self cannot be harmed or undone. It is the Self pondering, “What would love do?” amidst the nasty chaos. This Self forgives, shows acceptance and kindness. This is the everlasting, loveable YOU. The journey to unplug the ego results in inner freedom and the happiness we seek.

So ask yourself…

Am I worth a quiet mind?

A Quiet Mind in Three Steps

Step 1.

Take a day or two and observe your ego-mind. Reserve any judgement (it’s not who you are anyways). Just notice the comings and goings of thought. What, who and when are the triggers to thinking? Become aware of the ego-minds favourite topics. What does it love to complain about? How would it say you’ve been wronged? Take a “step back” and have a look.

Step 2.

Assuming you’re willing to embark on this journey to peace and quiet set an intention. Write it down and post it where you’ll see it a couple times a day. Something like this…

I now intend to exist from a quiet mind.

This is a powerful intention. Revisit it often. Use it to interrupt random thinking.

Step 3.

Tap into some tools to soothe the ego-mind. Try them out and select one you might use for at least 30 days. Many to choose from here.

A final word of encouragement. Be gentle with yourself. Let go any judgement of the experience. You are releasing a compulsive way of being that no longer serves your happiness.

As a former self-help junkie, I’ve run the gamut. And I want to share the most powerful lesson gleaned from many years and heaps of money invested. Here it is, (and it’s free 🙂

A hallmark of truth is found in it’s simplicity.

Look for simple, low cost, solutions to life’s challenges. The ego loves to complicate everything. And the world of Self-Help and Self-Healing are not immune. If you discover a healing method with more than 3 or 4 steps, keep searching. If you find a “program” with multiple “levels” separated by time and more cash, move on. And, I can’t stress enough, if what’s put to you has secrets (attached to levels), RUN!

It’s likely a cult, masquerading as self-help.

What about similar methods to our Letting Go method? Before you open your wallet too widely, remember, letting go is a natural human process.

Children let go effortlessly.

In learning how to let go, you’re simply re-awakening an innate ability.

So what about, The Sedona Method, The Release Technique, The Work and others?

Like I said, if it’s simple, reasonably priced, passes the cult test and you feel a fit, wonderful! You have the free will to choose.

For a wee bit more on the Sedona Method, I’ve shared my response to a recent reader letter.

Hi Doree,

I was wondering if the Sedona Method is the same method of letting go that Dr David R Hawkins speaks of in his book. The same method that you yourself talk of.

I have tried to let a feeling come up, let it rest there and then let it go, but it doesn’t feel right. Like I’m doing it wrong or something. I don’t seem to feel as much emotion in the resting there as I feel like I should, and so then it doesn’t feel like I’ve let it go at all.

I’m wondering if there is anywhere in Australia that you know of, or elsewhere that teaches this method in a retreat or as a course, so that at least I could feel like I’m getting it right.

Thank you so much for your inspiration!

C

Hi C,

I’m thrilled to hear from you and to learn I’ve inspired you.

Dr Hawkins apparently worked with Lester Levenson the creator of the Sedona Method back in the late 70’s. I’m quite familiar with The Sedona Method having used it myself. At present, Hale Dowaskin has the license and has produced many courses and products including a series of apps called, Letting Go.

For me, the strength of Dr Hawkin’s method is what it doesn’t include. It is absent of mentalizing in any form. The Sedona Method has you asking yourself questions. I found this aspect kept me in my head. I have a tendency to over-think. I analyze. Heck, I even dramatize! Any excuse to stay in the intellect sees me refining and reshaping the issue. Many people escape into substances, overeating, mindlessly watching TV. I escape into my mind. This awareness makes Dr Hawkin’s, Letting Go method a fit for me.

Now to what you present in the second paragraph of your letter. “I have tried…but it doesn’t feel right…I’m doing it wrong…I should…” These are all judgments you’ve made. Criticisms which won’t occur in a quiet mind.

I cannot overemphasize the value of a quiet mind. This could take time and vigilance on your part but you have nothing to lose. Thoughts, such as the ones you shared, are resistance to letting go.

I would love to say I know of a practitioner in Oz, who teaches, Letting Go. The closest I’ve been is with an online group I lead last year. Participants joined from as far off as Germany and Texas. We met weekly on GoToMeeting for 6 months and practiced together for an hour. And the synergistic healing available in a group is outstanding!. One member would bring up an issue. We’d all go silent and practice letting go. Not surprising, participants reported feeling better (lighter, more relaxed, fresh) even when an issue wasn’t theirs. I loved it! 🙂

It’s such a big deal to self-healing, that I capitalized it. Free Will. The freedom to choose.

So where does stress live? It lives by choice, inside the mind of the individual. We choose stress. And if we choose it often, our poor bodies also pay the price. Relationships become strained. Self-esteem plummets. Problems linger, unsolved.

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

~Viktor E. Frankl

Let’s apply this notion of stress to a recent letter I received.

Dear Doree,

I am almost finished reading the book (Letting Go), however, I am still struggling with the actual mechanism. I have noticed a better overall sense and outlook on things. However, one thing that has been absolutely consuming me is fear of lack. I am completely stuck in fear and desire for money. We have a lot of debt, I lost my job so we are on my husband’s salary alone. I watch the debt pile up and I don’t see an end. I make it a practice to “cast the burden of lack on God” (as in The Game Of Life and How To Play It), however, nothing is changing. I feel that my fear and desire alone is blocking the flow of money. I just want relief of the debt and worry. I don’t know how to let go of these feelings because the problems still exist. Please help.

S.

My Dear S,

As I read your letter, a question arose. “What’s a different way to look at this situation?” As I see it, you have a spouse with a job, access to superb books written by Dr. David R. Hawkins and Florence Scovel Shinn, a history of employment, internet access, expressive writing skills, clear communication, an ability to apply multiple self-healing techniques and an indomitable spirit that won’t give up! You even discovered and submitted a question to a blog, on Letting Go. Thousands of people read this blog, few offer their story. Which tells me, you’re amazing! Just sit with that for a moment, please.

The next thing I’d like to do is, recontextualize the story you tell. Try this on for size…

Dear Doree,

I am almost finished the book on Letting Go. I felt motivated to try the method and to write you. I’ve noticed a better overall sense and outlook on things. In myself, I’ve identified an issue to which I can apply the practice of letting go. Hooray! It’s around the desire for more money and to be out of debt. I’ve written down some details to look back on, a year from now.

While creating a deeper awareness of this issue, I discovered a pattern. It begins when I notice a pesky thought as it starts to form. If the thought does complete, more follow and then a wave of distressing sensations. Before I know it, I’m consumed. The thought has turned into a theme and it’s all I think, speak, notice and even write about! However, I know from reading your page on, How to Quiet Your Mind, there are many ways I can interrupt this pattern. I’ve tried some and chosen the one that fits best for me.

Once I’ve quieted my mind, I place my attention on the sensations in my body. In silence, I go into the sensations as they arise and allow them. I don’t imagine what they might be about. Any sensation, (including ones my mind interprets as pain) are accepted. I understand some sticky sensations can come in waves, for weeks, or even longer. That’s OK. Bring them on!

For the next year, I’m devoted to learning how to quiet my mind and to let go. Learning something new can take time. Yet I know, as I use these healing techniques, it will get easier. I look forward to when I can let go under any circumstance. I am now open to, “accepting what is,” as my new and grateful way of being.

Signed,

S

How does it feel to read a recontextualized version of your story? When you recontextualize (a term used often by Dr. Hawkins) you create a different context. So in this case, instead of being “rag dolled” by life, we address each circumstance as a learning opportunity.

In my re-write, I’ve shared the context of taking 100% responsibility for what’s going on inside. The outside world (including money and debt) can do what it likes. We let go reacting and responding to it. Letting go releases us from our resistance (Remember resistance causes suffering). Instead, we move from, “I’m in debt and have nothing,” to “What can I learn from my situation?” The first statement takes on a victim stance while the second is heroic. From courage, we ask, “What is life teaching me?”

I encourage you to retell your story with you, as the hero. You, as the humble and grateful star of your own life adventure. And consider this. What kind of an adventure is without challenge? Without issues like financial debt or unemployment, how could we learn? I never understand the people who clamour for massive solutions to world problems. When suddenly all our problems are solved, what would be the point of this earthly realm? We are here to learn and grow. We are here to face our “problems,” and apply Free Will.

One great reason for practicing letting go is to free-up energy previously devoted to stress. Creating a new context has a similar effect. With an abundance of available energy, amazing things happen! You may uncover the energy that leads to an exciting new job. Please remember to write and share your letting go success story.

Much Love,

Doree

When we are no longer able to change a situation – we are challenged to change ourselves.

Immediately, I got very quiet. How could I be needy if I wasn’t talking, right? But the quiet was only on the outside. Inside it was as loud as Christmas-time in Hoo-ville! I blasted myself with a lecture on how unattractive it was to be needy. How weak and repulsive.

Way to pick the most draining way possible to be, Doree. I’ll bet you’ll get the whiner award for sure this time. All your elementary teachers were right. You are the poster child for Attention Seeking. You are a bottomless pit. An energy vampire. Way to go.

Meanwhile, your bold friend gives you a little wave. It’s all you need…

The embarrassment shifts to irritation. Suddenly you can’t believe their nerve. Who do they think they are telling you you’re needy?! Considering all you do for them.

Then you say,

Maybe I’m needy, but you’re high maintenance.

Game on.

And what a game. Whole lives can get caught up in ego games like this. For what?

I choose to play a different game. The game of taking 100% responsibility for myself and for how I feel. I play the game of Letting Go.

I want to learn how to let go of my self-criticism & judgment. In particular, I want to learn letting go of my feeling of neediness. Needing affection, needing approval, needing praise.

I KNOW I’m good. I KNOW I’m worthy of love…. But there are days when I just don’t connect with the FEELING of being okay without being appreciated or validated or adored or wanted or needed by others. And I notice my wanting-ness, and hear my specific requesting-ness, but still feel overwhelmed with neediness and disappointed-ness, and wanting love from someone or somewhere outside myself. In these moments I notice my feeling of neediness and don’t know how to let go in those moments!

C.

Dearest C,

I love this topic! Thank you so much for writing and for bravely sharing. When I connect with your words, here’s what comes up for me.

What’s so terribly wrong with being needy?

And who is asking?

Playing the role of asking, “Why am I so damn needy?!” is our inner critic. Also known as the superego (a kind of nasty, authoritative parent) and often at the root of our suffering. And here’s the kicker. None of our self-criticism, none of our judgment is ever true.

Ever.

So back to what’s wrong with being needy?

Absolutely nothing!

You are human and you have needs.

Marshall Rosenberg created a needs inventory. Have a look. My sense is that underneath your struggle with wants and desires, lies a real need. You’re worthy of having these needs met.

The letting go practice can help you here. In the uncomfortable moments you describe, I encourage you to quiet your mind. To breathe. Allow the sensations and if you can, go deeper. One very effective strategy while letting go distressing sensations is to, ask for more. Dive into the shadow and explore the outer reaches of your neediness. Ask yourself, How needy could I be?

Over time life has a way of processing out what we describe as unwanted neediness. Even without your attention the sensations you call, “neediness” will naturally process out of your consciousness. I encourage you to revisit this exact letter a year from now. You’ll be amazed at how far you’ve come. Some of the struggles you describe will be a faint memory.

Now, what if I said, you should read it? In fact, I’m telling you, this blog should be required reading. It should make you smarter. Or less stupid. I’m not sure which.

Oh hey! Don’t bail yet!

I don’t like getting should on either.

Same as you.

Clearly, we share the same feelings of irritation when someone swoops into our space with their, Fix a Human toolkit, full of handy advice. Oh, they’re full of it all right. And soon you’re gonna get hit by their, Should Storm. This post might help (notice I didn’t say should?). We’ll have a look at what’s going on and share some effective strategies to let go, while being should on.

“We cling to our own point of view, as though everything depended on it. Yet our opinions have no permanence; like autumn and winter, they gradually pass away.”

~ Zhuangzi

What motivates someone to give advice? I know sometimes we ask for it. “Help me please! I don’t know what to do.” Other times we act helpless. Maybe pathetic? Thus attracting rescue-types. Perhaps you are of the rescue persuasion yourself? Hey, I’m not judging your super hero costume. I’ve got one too.

But I was not in a rescuing mood when I began writing this post. I was angry. Yah. Pissed at all the people over the years who’ve should all over me. I remembered the unhealed times I just needed someone to listen. Instead, I got mountains of unsolicited advice. Funny how a little, “You should…” can make you feel like an even bigger loser.

Then it hit me. When we share our wounds it frightens people. Because they have wounds too. In an instant, they have to do something quick or face their own stored up negative emotions. A quick escape (from our own dark closet) is to give someone else a few pithy words of advice. There. Let’s place the focus on you (and your crap) so I don’t have to notice me (and my crap). We become do-gooders. Full of unconscious but socially and politically acceptable solutions.

“Concede to ‘what is’ versus ‘what ought to be’”

~ Dr David R Hawkins

I’ve also noticed when I’m upset about something someone, “did to me,” and I share it with a friend, I create a disruption. The seas were calm. But as I told my tale of woe, storm clouds appeared. Now we’re both treading in rough water instead of just me. This got me thinking. Do I really need to share my sad/mad story?

Instead…

What if I told my friend,

“I’m in the process of letting something go. It would be lovely if we could just be together. I’m so grateful for your company.”

How is your Letting Go Practice?

About 10 years ago my life was in ruins. I was tired of all the bullshit (mine included) and just wanted to hear the truth. I became a student of truth. No, I did not, “find God” or get religion. None of that organized stuff had any appeal to me. This was an inner process. I learned truth has a quality – a certain hum. A resonance I could feel. I discovered all the great teachers agree on what truth is. I also learned much of our human life is to show us what truth is not.

I realized living the truth is the hardest but most rewarding work I’ve ever done. In every moment of my life, I have a choice to either live the truth or “juice” negativity. Some days are harder than others. But I can’t go back to being small and scared and unaware. I can’t tell others what it is either. They have to confirm it for themselves.

What has been helpful to me is to listen to wise teachers. Take in what they say and apply it to my own experience. I seek the “hum” for myself. I’ve been doing this daily for so long now. I’m happy to encourage you.

There are so many superb teachers – Buddha, Krishna, Jesus, Dalai Lama, and if you love science check out David Bohm, Gregg Braden (most recent work), Rupert Sheldrake, or Carl Jung. Heck, read about Socrates! His commitment to the truth (like Jesus’) was greater to him than his physical life.

My favourite modern day teacher of truth is, Dr. David R Hawkins.
YouTube provides a great introduction to the “Doc”. I invite you to listen but with a warning. The truth is not for people who offend easily. It requires courage.

Does letting go of a sibling require you cease all contact? If you’re in danger, it does. Outside of peril, you still may choose to, love them from a distance. Yet, in the world of self-healing, some contact (despite strained relations), offers unique opportunities.

Here’s an example.

Imagine yourself attending a family gathering. Chose the purpose that fits for you, (reunion, wedding, birthday dinner, end of life celebration). Now, envision your sibling and their special brand of behaviour. The kind that seems to create stress for you. Notice how this time, however, instead of suffering, you choose to be different. Instead of thinking about anything, you become deeply aware of yourself and the sensations arising in your body. You choose to accept these and to breathe calmly. You choose to let go.

See yourself leaving the visit light as a feather and with a smile on your face.

I believed it was my job to fix the relationship. Of course it wasn’t my job. My job is to fix myself. Anything else is absurd.

~ Doree Blake

Let’s address some common questions on letting go of siblings.

When’s the right time to let go of my sibling?

Right now! You heard me. Don’t wait another second feeling betrayed, hurt or humiliated. Let go.

I’m so done! Can’t I just end it?!

You could. But what if you faced this and what if you healed it in yourself? Instead of “filing for sibling divorce,” you could see it as a call to inner work. Consider giving letting go a whirl on some painful sibling memories. Remember, you’re worth the time.

Letting go can bring up all manner of unhealed guck. Regarding siblings, I know your fear. Some siblings have done unforgivable things to us. You believe, if you let that one go, you’ll be defenseless and vulnerable. Your sibling will sense it and push you even harder. And, they might. Heck, they probably will. And, you’ll handle it.

When it gets really tough, I remind myself, of the reward for letting go. Inner freedom.

How will I know it’s working?

You’ll know when nothing they do triggers you, anymore. The hallmark of effective letting go is benign indifference. In the past, your siblings might have sent you emotionally through the roof. Provoking awful stories and insulting behaviours (on both sides). Maybe other relatives stuck their nosy, noses into things. Not to worry. The letting go practice cleans this all up. Stick with your self-healing. One day, in the presence of siblings instead of stressed, you’ll feel peaceful.

“Don’t call it anything, don’t label it anything. Keep your mind silent. You stay in touch with whatever you are experiencing, and you let go of resisting it. You are going to experience it, you are going to decompress it. You can do that with pain and any kind of suffering. The suffering is due to the resistance. If you keep surrendering to it you will undo it.”

Fear is like hiccups. You want them to stop. They continue. Like hiccups, fear comes from inside. In a panic, we try remedies. Hanging over the sink, while drinking water out of the back of a glass. Punishing ourselves with a nasty dose of table sugar. Meanwhile, our friends, get annoyed. Ten minutes before, you were loved and accepted. Now, you’re a nuisance.

In schools, even well behaved students with hiccups, are sent to the principal’s office.

Elementary school principal: “What seems to be the problem?”

Me (8 years old): “Uragh!”

Principal: “Oh. I see.”

Hiccups like fear, cloud over our happiness. We feel drained. Our battle is futile. Finally, overwhelmed and exhausted we lie down. “Uragh!” Tremors continue to erupt at regular intervals as we surrender to the state of hiccuppingness. And… they stop.

Surrender is letting go.

Works for fear and hiccups.

FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real

I have a dear friend who, with the best intentions, often lives in fear. She’s smart and carefully studies current affairs. Her knowledge of natural and man-made disasters is superb. But she’s often consumed and even paralyzed by her fearful thoughts. Hyper-vigilant, she suffers from low energy and physical pain. Even worse, fear has suffocated her joy. And there’s no reasoning with it. Remember the hiccups? “Please. Stop… Uragh!”

So what happens when you tell the fearful friend, “Calm down. There’s nothing to fear. It’s all in your imagination.”?

I’ll tell you what happens. How does a fearful animal stuck in a corner behave? In humans and animals alike, fear can rapidly shift to anger. If you must challenge a fearful individual, brace yourself for a blast.

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
– Yoda

For a moment let’s turn our attention away from our fear-laden allies and look at ourselves. How do you deal with fear? What is your special brand?

worrying, concern, warning others, frequent hesitation, avoiding socializing, allergies, lecturing on what could go wrong, planning for disasters, planning for everything, being informed of major problems in the world, making pros and cons lists, seeing things as risky, using the phrase, “Be careful!” or “Drive safe”, obsessively washing your hands, sanitizing shopping carts, warning others frantically, “Don’t come near me I have a cold!” eating a designer diet because most food makes you sick, paying any attention to the latest flu on CNN (that will inflict 6 out of 80 million people) and the granddaddy of them all – watching (for more than 1 minute/day) the Weather Channel!

I hope, if you see yourself at all, in this list, that you’ll smile. You’re delightfully human and about to become more courageous. Here we go!

Let’s together, dabble in a little acceptance. Which applied to any brand of fear, sounds like:

“Yup. I’m afraid. I’m really scared that something might happen. I feel so worried. I feel lost and hopeless.”

Good. Now dig deeper into what could happen. Imagine the worst and tell yourself, “Now I’m terrified. If this keeps up, someone could die.”

Where do these sensations seem to live? Give them more attention. Remember, it’s perfectly ok to be afraid. But we’re not thinking anymore. We’re just breathing into the sensations in and around our body. Do this as long as it takes to feel lighter, brighter and hopeful. Now for the best part. Smile. Bask in the courage you’ve revealed. It was there all along!

Let Go and Liberate Yourself from Fear!

And the next time hiccups pay you a visit, welcome them. Throw a Hiccup Party! Invite your friends and neighbours. Bake some chocolate cupcakes! (sugar-less of course). Crank up some spicy music and dance with your fear – I mean hiccups. 🙂

Much love to you. I honour your courage and thank you for reading and for letting go.

As I let go explaining I felt lighter and more myself. I noticed how others were trapped by explaining. It had become a cultural expectation. Yet each time we played this game, we gave away our power. Explaining was draining.

Ever heard the words, “Because I said so, that’s why”? I did. It was my mother’s parenting style and the best she could do. As a new parent, that phrase was on my hit list. “I’ll never say that to my child,” I’d remark, hopefully.

This mandate crossed into my life in general. My plan was not to leave anyone hanging. I would err on the side of over-communicating. At each juncture, I’d be more than willing to explain myself.

“Allow me to explain…”

When you get into the habit of explaining, everyone comes to expect it. You lose the power to just say, “No”. Oh, I tried. But a demanding stare seemed to trigger me into defensive mode. I would hear myself say, “So that’s my decision…here, let me explain why…”

“I had become the explaining fool.”

Then one day I lucked out. I watched a great interview with Oprah and the spiritual teacher, Byron Katie. They were role-playing Oprah being asked for money by a relative. She wanted Katie to teach her how to say, “No”.

In this case, Oprah played the needy relative, demanding and pleading (like an adolescent) for some of Oprah’s money. Katie took the role of Oprah. What happened next, was magic.

Katie, (as Oprah) listened attentively to the now whining, relative.

“Oh please Oprah. I just need the money. You have it. You have so much. Why can’t you just give me a loan for 40 grand to start my business?”

Katie’s lesson helped me find the power inside to say, “No”. Minus the drama and angst of explaining. I discovered, “No” was often the most self-loving choice for me. And, there’s nothing to explain when a choice is made from love.

“Never explain a decision that’s right for you…

that it’s right for you, is enough.”

My trajectory of explaining had come to an end.

Free at Last!

As I practiced listening intensely, I became a better and more empathetic listener. Then, I simply shared what was right for me without explaining. Over time, I learned to do this with increasing love for myself and the other.

“Listen so well and with such an open heart,

that you earn the right to speak.”

And after you do, (earn the right to speak*), please do what’s right for you. No explanation. If this feels hard, practice letting go. This practice will surely release what stands in the way of your best choices. Because here’s the secret, what’s best for you is always related to what’s best for me.

To prove it some of us have to go first. Will you step up and choose what’s in your highest good?

Only you can decide. And after you do, please don’t tell me why.

* To earn the right to speak, means you have listened well and shared your understanding of what the other has said. This can be done by being present while they spoke and paraphrasing what you heard them say. At this point, they’ll likely feel “heard”. Now it’s your turn to speak (you’ve earned it!)

How is your Letting Go Practice?

Plagued with nasty and recurrent allergies, I asked myself, When was the last time you went an entire day without thinking or speaking of your allergies?

Warning: If you must continue your victimization by allergies – this is your choice. I will love you anyways. However, if you’re ready to let go and discover the truth about allergies, take my hand. Read on.

Allergies…they are what you think

One typical allergy-infested day, I discovered the shocking truth. Allergies are a thing of the mind. They begin with a thought. Then, over time the body willingly aligns with the thought. Each mind has its own collection of thoughts and beliefs. Of course, these come from our world. Many thoughts are picked up in childhood or while watching television or as you skim the “news” on the internet. Most pass through the gates of our minds, unnoticed. And you share your allergy thoughts, for example, with many others. How else would you know the type of symptoms and reactions to have?

Ready for some compelling evidence? Let’s delve into the condition of multiple personality disorder. It has become quite a common affliction and is well studied. In this case, a person could have 2 or more distinctly different personalities (minds) in one body. This means one personality may suffer from gluten intolerance while the other does not. One may have a severe reaction to flowers the other may react not to flowers but to cats.

Can you, for a moment, imagine what this means? Because it gets more profound the deeper you go. One mind needs glasses (thick ones) for its body, while another mind has perfect vision (in the same body!). Now, do you see how we regard the body may hold the key not just to allergies but to health in general?

I learned it was my job to protect my body from my own mind. Initially, this seems impossible. Here’s one way that worked for me.

The Body is a Pet

Consider your body is your “pet”. It abides by you and loves you. The body is loyal and serves its master (the mind) without question. The question you might want to ask right now is: What have I been asking my pet to believe and do for me? And this is where the fun begins.

Understanding that your thoughts and beliefs are “running the show” changes everything. If you accept this, it’s the beginning of the end for your allergies. Creating awareness around conscious and unconscious thoughts is essential to your lifelong wellness.

What would happen if you upgraded how you regard your little “pet”? Well, you might go too far. Some of us drag the body into a prideful, over-obsessing mess. I wrote about this in Letting Go of the Need to Be Right. Allergies too can stem from pride. To be a victim of your situation.

Perhaps your’s is the story of the innocent allergy sufferer, living in a hostile world. I know. It was my story too. Please don’t take offense. I say these things in full remembrance of my own suffering and pain. I honour the courage it takes to face the truth. To be willing to see things differently. Consider your willingness to let go all thoughts related to your allergies.

Treat your body as you would a pet you love and cherish. For heaven sakes, don’t go overboard on this. Be gentle and kind. Be matter of fact about your body. It is the lovely vehicle that carries your spirit around this plane – taking you from A to B.

Are you part of the sugar pandemic? Did you know over one quarter of the world is functionally hypo-glycemic? Symptoms ranging from irritability and mopiness to crazy uncontrollable outbursts. Then there’s the weight-gain, emotional binging and weird cravings.

On table sugar, I can’t stay focused. It seems to take me to another dimension. Oh it’s sweet getting there but then you realize, “Hey, nothing’s getting done”. This occurs to you while munching on a fresh bag of organic caramel corn. Organic sugar does not solve this, people.

What can we do? I’m not going to sugar-coat it. You need a degree of self love to kick this one and a day to make your move.

The practice of letting go naturally reveals more self-love. If you aren’t practicing letting go here’s where to start (and it’s SO simple).

One Sugar -free Food Day…You’re On Your Way!

Next, we take a day where distractions are less. It might be a home day for you or one where your kids are away. On this day, you’ll enjoy foods rich in protein, good fats and complex (slow burning) carbohydrates, high in fiber. Try to select food closest to its original form. This is a whole foods – no packaged foods day.

Note: High fructose corn syrup is not natural. Naturally occurring sugars (fructose), however, are fine but for your sugar-free day, limit or avoid anything sweet.

As you eat, practice letting go. Really be present to your food and the sensations it creates in your body. Chew. Tune into the pleasures of eating. You’re nourishing your body with loving kindness.

And Now for Some Sweet News…

Kicking the sugar habit is so easy! After only one day, you’ll have a massively diminished interest. Consider replacing cane sugars with fructose (fruit sugar), xylitol (birch bark sugar), stevia (sweet leaf), agave or any other natural sugars that are low glycemic. My favourite form of sugar is found in tree fruit or berries.

You and I live in an intolerant world. A world where feeling too much makes others uncomfortable. Children don’t get to cry anymore (That’s enough!). Men never got to. Women cry and they’re being hormonal and irrational (don’t put them in charge). We’ve created a world full of people who are terrified to feel anything. Then when something lovely happens (and it does) we feel flat. Nada. We smile demurely and say, “I’m in control of my emotions everyone – have no fear.”

Have you ever heard the words, “You’re too sensitive”?

Twas the story of my life. Growing up, my family called me, “Spaz!” Seemed I was a tad sensitive and they didn’t like it. Hey, I didn’t like it either. Who wants to feel like a dope for bursting into tears all the time?

Ugly Cry?

Have you noticed how sensitive children go through an awkward, Ugly Duckling phase? Take heart. With a little time, polished feelers become intuitive swans. If you’ve been labeled overly sensitive – I’ve got great news. You’re at the threshold of evolutionary advancement. Headed where? Straight for joy, my friend.

Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy.

~ Joseph Campbell

Thinkers and Feelers

Thinking too much is a distraction from Joy. Feeling too much can be plain distracting.

Yet people who feel are miles ahead of those who can’t or won’t. When you feel, you’re closer to joy. When you think sans feeling, you might be very smart (Commander Spock) – but smart is certainly not joy. If you don’t believe me try to think yourself into joy right now.

How’d that go for you?

Now try this: Sit in a comfy chair preferably with a high back. Take a deep breath in through your nose. As the air comes in, have it open the back of your throat. It should feel delicious. You can make the sound of the ocean if you like. Continue breathing this way. Think of nothing. Place your hand on your heart as you breathe. Now smile. Taste the feeling of joy.

Feel encouraged to feel? Just in case you’re still on the fence – I’ve got a story on what can happen when we hold in our feelings. When we don’t let go.

A few years ago I talked lover-man into going to Disneyland for a few days. No kids, just us. When we got there we played the Disneyland game. See who can spot a piece of garbage (winner gets a kiss). This can go on for hours before you see any action. Later we moseyed over to the California Adventure Park and found the gate to the roller coaster. The California Screamer. I do love speedy rides but we don’t have any on the Island. The beginning countdown and roar through the water was exhilarating. We did the first and biggest climb. Rat-ta-ta-ta. Here we go!

What happened next was completely out of my control. I want you to really get that. I was, of course, rolling along the track, screaming like the others (maybe a tad louder than most) and laughing. I was screaming and laughing for over 20 seconds. Then, my body suddenly took over. The release of screaming and laughing intensified beyond what I could contain. I had lost control. I was appearing hysterical to myself and I could do nothing about it. The tears flowed as I scream-laughed with maniacal abandon.

When the ride ended I had no composure. Lover-man looked at me and with bemused silence, stepped out of the car. He held out his hand. I may as well have peed my pants. The emotional release was so intense, my legs were weak and wobbly. We walked in silence toward the exit where they post photos captured at an especially delicate part of the ride. I didn’t recognize myself. The woman sitting next to lover-man appeared completely insane. “That freak doesn’t have a Hopper pass – she has a “day pass,” I thought.

Then we walked directly to the one place guests can go to recover from the Screamer – The California Estate Wines. I downed 2 small but potent, plastic glasses of some California red. We sat in the hot sun and people watched. Then through an exit to the Disney Grand Lodge where I plunked myself in an extra-large chair. While staring up at the mezzanine watching lover-man touring around, I fell asleep. He only returned when a couple security guards were spotted, closing in. Still asleep and half slid out of the chair – I’d assumed the recovery position of intense letting go by roller coaster. “She’s with me,” he told the guards and they stepped back – but just a little.

Overly sensitive folks like you and me are not freaks. We’re pioneers on the pathway to joy. We are courageously letting go. So what if our path includes a few roller coasters along the way?

I did. For about 15 years – I had red eyes and a stuffy nose. People would ask, “Are you ok? Have you been crying or something?” I enjoyed reactions to dust, pollens, cats and certain foods like milk and cane sugar. Costly, antihistamine drops were my only relief. What a delightful time.

Today I don’t have any allergies. None. Now, I’m fascinated by them. When someone tells me they have an allergy – I hyper-tune. What’s this about? I wonder.

I contemplate the whole pet allergy pandemic happening right now. Dog’s eating only kangaroo because they’re allergic to every other kind of meat. Cats with hayfever.

I don’t remember allergic pets when I was a kid. I thought of my childhood dog and tried to remember what she ate. A quick call to Mom. “What did you feed Angel?” So here it is. My dog lived for a healthy 18 years on table scraps.

“What you hold in mind tends to manifest”

~ Dr David R Hawkins

Allergies to wheat and other grains have become big business. Have you seen the price of a tiny box of gluten-free crackers? We’ve got GMO-free, Peanut-free, sugar-free, gluten-free? Do allergies make us feel free? More like in jail.

If I’m not mistaken – it looks like we’re under attack.

At these times, I turn to Louise Hay’s little blue book. With allergies, she connects being “allergic to life” as the mental root cause. Come on Louise. How could someone allergic to life even begin to see the wood for the sneeze? (I couldn’t resist).

Seriously, I’ve asked allergy sufferers (quite a few) if perhaps they were “allergic to life”? This question does not provoke an inquiry. You just get a droopy face look that says, “My ears are plugged from allergies – did you say something?” During the era of my Sneeze-fest, her notion didn’t help me either.

So what did?

How did I rid myself of those pesky symptoms?

Get ready to save some money on Kleenex, eye drops and Epi-pens!

Letting Go of Allergies in 3 Simple Steps:

1. Connect with your infinite nature. There is nothing difficult about this. All you need is a willingness to make this connection. (don’t think about it – just be willing)

The key is body placement. If you learn how to position your body you’ll begin to relax naturally.

Find a place where your back will be protected. This could be a high back chair or with pillows against a wall. Even moving so your back is shadowed by a wall makes all the difference. Protecting your back gives a signal to the body that it’s safe. This is a primal signal. No self-respecting caveman would put his back to the cave’s entrance.

Make any adjustments for comfort.

Focus now on specific body parts. Notice your shoulders. Breathe gently and just notice if there’s anything going on in your shoulder area. Then move to your jaw and do the same thing (remember, not to tell your body to relax). Breathe and notice any sensations. Let your tongue float in your mouth. Now gently close your eyes.

Breathe into your belly and then into any sensations that arise in and around the body. If, at any point, you feel like smiling, do! A tiny grin is a cue for safety and wellbeing. Imagine the Mona Lisa smile. A tension-free face is always a work of art.

Finally, make two agreements:

Permission to Go Within ~ Tell yourself, “I have permission to do some inner work”.

How is your Letting Go Practice?

In addition to practicing Letting Go, I’m also a longtime student of, A Course in Miracles. It’s a challenging and very powerful method of letting go through releasing the ego. This year, I decided to delve into the daily workbook lessons beginning January 1st. I launched the course with a weekly, study buddy. It was going well. Then our cockatiel, Buttercup, died suddenly. I was on lesson 36, My holiness envelops everything I see.

She fell ill that afternoon and became lethargic. We couldn’t get her to eat or drink. As the evening progressed she became weaker. My girls had gone out (reluctantly) for a planned overnight visit and so it was just me and our pet. I held her in my hands and spoke to her gently. I remember thinking how beautiful she looked. How perfect and sweet. As she laboured to breathe, I told her how much I appreciated her and thanked her for being such a wonderful pet. Tears rolling down my face, I whispered how much I loved her. “We all love you,” I wanted her to know. Then she took her last breath and left her body.

The next morning my girls returned home. They had looks of foreboding as they came through the door to hear the sad news. This sweet pet had joined our family during a very stressful time 9 years ago. She lifted our spirits with her wings and cheerful song.

Intense feelings of loss consumed our home for several days. In the spirit of letting go, we all had permission to cry, move slowly, sit and just stare or go outside and be alone. At times the girls and I piled together on the couch and talked and cried. If you would like to learn how I’ve come to explain the death of a pet or animal to my children click here.

As the course promised, holiness enveloped. To be clear, this is not the religious version of holiness, but the everyday kind when people live in non-resistance of what is. Grief then becomes the catalyst state for healing.

One of the most beautiful analogies of letting go, goes like this. Inside each of us glows a vibrant sun – our True Self, full of joy and purpose. Surrounding this gorgeous, loving orb are clouds and stormy weather (the many forms of negativity). They cover up our inner glow. Letting go, is the practice of clearing away these clouds to allow the sun (including your true purpose) to shine forth naturally and effortlessly!

I recently listened to a recording of Gregg Braden (scientist and spiritual teacher). He said, all the solutions to our modern problems have been discovered but we can’t see them yet! We cling to the past and refuse to let go. Even when the solutions are staring us in the face we can’t see them because we are not “present”. We’re stuck in the problem (in the clouds). I was overjoyed to hear him say these things and to continue helping others learn how to become present to the healing power just behind the “clouds”. So what’s just behind your clouds?

Your true purpose!

What is it?

Even if you think you know, I’d like you to frame it by answering the question, “What am I?”

Here are some possible answers:

I am love.

I am kind.

I am forgiving,

I am joy-filled!

“What am I?” gets you into that sun at the centre of your heart. Who am I? does not. In fact Who am I? will keep you stuck in the weather. Once you’ve identified the What then everything else becomes incidental.

When you hear the wise phrase, “To be IN the world but not OF the world,” that is what knowing your deepest purpose will do for you. It is a spiritual scalpel which you use to cut through everything. Then it really doesn’t matter so much who you choose to be or what you do, because you will serve the world by what you’ve become.

If this post felt too esoteric, please don’t fret. Just for today, choose a What am I? purpose and try it on. Set an intention to let go what’s in the way of this purpose and pay attention. At the end of the day, celebrate the moments where you lived from your purpose. Smile at the moments where you forgot, distracted by the weather. Then tomorrow, try again.

One more thing. If it feels like you have to give up who you think you are (as in occupation, favourite role or responsibility) you don’t! Above all, be normal and with the deep and peaceful knowing of your true purpose

Here’s to your sunny days!

How is your Letting Go Practice?

In an earlier post on Letting Go of Being Humiliated, I shared a TED talk with Brene Brown on embracing vulnerability. I was so inspired by that talk that Brene became one of my heroes. Early this morning, I found another more recent talk by my hero. After watching, I realized again why I admire and love Brene Brown. Her latest talk provoked this question.

How willing am I to stick my neck out and share what I believe?

Very quickly I answered myself. “Hey, I have a blog and a podcast. I go to graduate school and have colleagues. I have business cards!”

Then I felt a clunk in my stomach as I envisioned myself on stage or at a book signing in (gasp!) a very public place. Terror set in.

So here’s the other part. I live in a beautiful home on acreage and homeschool my children. We are well provided for by my loving partner. Work for me looks like being on the computer, at the very most, Skype, GoToMeeting, or the telephone. I am well protected from the critics of the world. Just “turn off comments”, right? Don’t get me wrong, I love to sweat and get dirty, just not on stage and outside a garden or hot yoga class. So here’s me, faced with the realization that I am literally frozen by the thought of a nasty critic’s vile directed at me. I am Sesame Street’s Grover in, “Monster at the End of this Book” (incidentally one of my all-time fave children’s books). Where I have convinced myself that at each page in life if I turn it, there will be a monster on the other side. Does anyone else relate to this?

Yet life has a way of turning pages despite all the duct tape, mortar and glue we use to hold these pages down. Which brings us back to me (my blog) and the realization that it’s time to stick my neck out for real.

How is your Letting Go Practice?

For many years I’ve enjoyed hearing these words, “You look so young for your age.” After discovering my son was nearing 25, some would get mathematically flattering. “When did you have him? When you were 10?” It used to make me smile until I stopped sharing my age. Now if you ask you’ll hear, “My age is none of my business.” A phrase I borrowed from a world-renowned expert on centenarians (humans reaching the age of 100) Dr Mario Martinez. According to Dr Martinez, “If you want to live to be a hundred or more, never reveal your age. ”

The moment we share how old we are, we subject ourselves to very powerful, cultural distinctions many of which, unknowingly, define our quality of life. There are several fields of science contributing to Dr. Martinez’s theories on aging. Epi-genetics (above the genes) is one. Here’s a quick science lesson to get you up to speed. If you imagine a bell curve of 500 – 100 year olds. In the middle of the curve, you’ll get the majority of the group and the average. Typical science focuses only on studying this group. So this is how we learn about 100 year olds. However, on one side of the curve are the extremely sick, unhappy centenarians while on the opposite side are the exceedingly healthy and happy ones. Dr. Martinez chose to study this group. He’s interviewed over 400 thriving centenarians and reported some of his findings at a seminar I attended early November. Here’s what I learned and get ready for a shock.

Want to live past 100? The surprising truth…

Longevity doesn’t run in the genes (like we’ve been so led to believe). It appears to come out of a sub-culture with contrarian beliefs and behaviours. For example, healthy centenarians rarely visit the doctor. According to Dr. Martinez, when he asked them, “When’s the last time you saw your doctor?” they often said something like, “It’s been such a long time and he’s been dead for years!”

There are no vegan centenarians in the healthy group studied by Dr. Martinez. In fact, there were very few vegetarians. Most of the 400 he studied ate a varied diet with small to average amounts of meat. So far so good. I never made it as a vegan and 15 years as a vegetarian did not see me nearly as healthy as I am now, a gentle (and very grateful) meat eater.

This healthy group of 100 year olds (some were also super centenarians – over 108) were often slightly overweight which blows the study on calorie restricted diets to slow aging, out of the water. It was discovered that a number of them smoked and drank but with an interesting twist. What we might consider habits (smoking, drinking, and overeating) were upgraded by this group to rituals. So they might enjoy the ritual of a cigar in the evening or one glass of port. They weren’t inclined to abuse anything and especially themselves suggested Dr Martinez.

A local publisher, Linda Tenney of EyesOnBC recently wrote an engaging article about her new kayaking hobby. Her childlike delight with the novelty of exploring a new activity caught my attention. Novelty is a hallmark behaviour of the healthy centenarian sub-culture. It was not uncommon for Dr Martinez’s group to begin something big and completely new in life around 80-85 years of age. Many of them reported starting new adventures in life at an age when mainstream seniors are either winding down or already checked out.

Of course, Dr Martinez encourages us to adopt a centenarian mindset as soon as possible and at any age. If you’re already considered a senior you might reconsider that label altogether when you hear this. Our featured group of 100 year olds didn’t consider themselves “seniors”. Some were indignant at the suggestion with demands to be regarded as “adults”. Even when offered the senior’s discount they paid the adult price. This is a perfect illustration of the power of culture.

Without exception, this group had no concept of middle age.

“Middle age? What’s that?! How would I know what the middle was? I’m not dead yet!”

~ common response by a healthy centenarian when asked to identify “middle age”

From this, I learned what might explain my youthful appearance and energy levels. Dr Martinez said he discovered the most important indicator of people reaching the age of 100 healthy and happy was the missing belief in the concept of middle age! If you asked me when is it? I would have to say, “Honestly, I don’t know.” It’s never occurred to me and I don’t remember delving into the concept, ever. Growing up my parents didn’t discuss what middle age meant to them so I suppose I’ve been spared! A few years back, someone suggested I was having a “midlife crisis”. I remember wondering what that meant but not really caring, either.

I’ve kept the best qualities of this super group for last. Healthy centenarians know how to let go! Wha-hoo! They don’t lament and complain. When someone dies (and for them, many have) they allow their grief and let go of their loss. They live their lives with gratitude and appreciation. These are creative and involved individuals. Many live in their own homes and although they rarely join seniors groups, they have rich social lives.

Here’s a cool experiment in which you could participate. Consider yourself someone who “grows older” each year but never ages. Start a new life adventure regularly. Commit to novelty. Upgrade bad habits to rituals or let them go altogether. Do those things and whatever else lights up your heart and I’ll see you at middle age… at 90!

As an intuitive with clairsentience, I often feel the location of emotions in other people. For instance, I see grief around the mouth. It feels like a heaviness weighing down each side of the mouth area. To me, it’s a tell-tale sign someone’s grieving the loss of something. Negative emotions are typically localized somewhere in the body. Fear is often in the upper part of the belly (the stomach). Frustration feels like a clamp on the face and runs around the back of the head and neck. Depending on the intensity, frustration can turn to anger and run down the arms into clenched fists.

On the other hand, exalted emotions like compassion, love, and joy, have a non-local quality. Gratitude, for example, feels like a full body smile. With love, I first notice it emanating from my chest area and then I notice it’s glowing from all of me and expanding out.

Grief is the emotion of loss. It has a familiar pattern like a roller coaster. If you pay attention, you’ll notice the intensity of grief goes up an down throughout the day. Grief shows up often as regret and sounds like, “If only…” and “All that time invested. For what? Now I’ll never know.” Grief is a cry for help. It begs for a rescue from the pain and deep sadness. At times it feels so all-consuming you start to believe you deserve it. At that point, guilt provides another dimension.

In every case, however, grief stems from attachment to something or someone outside of us combined with a refusal to let go. Perhaps it was a lifestyle that never materialized (like the perfect retirement). Or a vision held for a relationship that didn’t work out. There are a multitude of experiences that will trigger feelings of loss. (If you already read the post I wrote on being wronged then you know of the financial loss I worked through.)

What we do know is that for most of us grief will eventually process out of the body. For some, it can seem to take forever. Our culture likes to remind us that, “Time heals all wounds”. Is this our big strategy for grief – time? Are we so full of guilt that we stay in a perpetual state of grief because we deserve to suffer? I don’t want anyone reading this to suffer another minute. How about if together we let go of the grief we carry and then learn to protect ourselves from taking on any more? Sound good?

There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.
~ Anon

In a naive effort to protect ourselves, we learn to resist what feels yucky, creates tension or makes us think nasty thoughts. However, what you resist does persist and instead of it going away you get more. It’s completely counter-intuitive to allow the feelings of loss (they can be so debilitating) but this is the path to becoming free of it. To go into the loss means (from a safe place) to find it in your body and then to allow it by giving it breath. If you ask for more and then allow yourself to feel this, it won’t be long before you feel relief.

Heal Stage Fright:

I once watched Dr Hawkins assist a woman with stage fright. She was very nervous and verbally shared this with him. He enthusiastically asked her to feel afraid and then to feel more afraid and then to allow the complete terror inside her to come out. The outcome appeared miraculous. With his encouragement, she dove into her fear in full view and plowed deeper and deeper. I felt the maniacal craziness of her energy and then bam! the storm was over and she sat smiling in a state of calm and peace. We are not shown how to do this. Let’s do this now.

Find that lovely space for your body where you won’t be interrupted. Your back is protected, your shoulders can gently fall away from your ears. Your jaw softens and inside your mouth, your tongue floats like a pillow. In this moment give yourself permission to go inside and do some inner work. Also affirm you are worth the time you’re taking. Breathe into your body and into any sensations that arise. Now recall a situation from which you associate loss and possibly grief. Go into the sensations of this story. Quiet your mind and notice where you sense these sensations if you do. It is safe to notice this loss. Now allow yourself to feel an even greater depth of the loss. Ask for more. Breathe into what this brings up inside you. Continue to go deeper into the loss until you reach what feels like the core. Breathe into this and allow it to be. Perhaps this loss has a message for you. Some wisdom to share. If it does just notice the wisdom, continue to breathe. Be still and gentle with yourself. Sit in quiet peacefulness.

As I started to picture the trees in the storm, the answer began to dawn on me. The trees in the storm don’t try to stand up straight and tall and erect. They allow themselves to bend and be blown with the wind. They understand the power of letting go.
~ Julia Butterfly Hill

Ask someone to talk about their most vivid, relationship memories. They’ll tell you stories of how they’d been burned. What do newly dating couples divulge by the second or third date? Intel on the “idiots” they used to be with, the money they “lost”, the umpteen ways they’ve been beaten up, spit out and washed up. Ahh, wound-swapping, Such a delightful human past-time.

It’s expected. We innocently signed up as wide-eyed youngsters. All it takes are some observations of powerful people (this includes mommy and daddy) wallowing in Wound-ville and we know that ship will one day be ours. As a classroom teacher, years ago, I observed children practicing the fine art of, “my life sucks more than yours”. Even after creating a deep, contemplative practice of letting go, I still catch myself mindlessly doing it from time to time.

Let go. Why do you cling to pain? There is nothing you can do about the wrongs of yesterday. It is not yours to judge. Why hold on to the very thing which keeps you from hope and love?
~ Leo Buscaglia

Ok, so you’ve been wronged. We all have. We also have something victims like to pretend doesn’t exist. Freewill. In this case, the choice to stay wounded or move on and heal. Let’s move on shall we?

The signature of betrayal is a feeling of having been tricked. Inside the “victim” it provokes anger and disgust. You feel hot. This wound sounds like, “How dare you?” “How could you?” “What you did to me is unforgivable!” and the favourite, “This is ALL your fault!”

A few years back, I discovered I’d been scammed out of all my money. There was literally one asset left (some equity in a house) and some belongings. Even worse, I had devoted years of my life to doing my due diligence. I interviewed smart people who I felt should know more than me. I traveled to the source and asked questions. I trusted many people and many people trusted me. I felt honoured to be able to help others by sharing what I’d found. “What’s the fun in becoming rich if you leave others behind?” was my thinking.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time.” ~ Dr David R Hawkins

Of course I already told you how this turned out. Now if I was really up for some gritty, wound swapping I’d also mention the post-scam, death threats, the loss of friends and family, the “I want to kill myself,” phone calls that came from the humiliated and the darkness of the pit I put myself in for making such an unforgivable mistake. Did I feel betrayed? Damn rights! But I didn’t even feel worthy enough to let myself feel it. No, my ego went right to the bottom. I felt abandoned and that’s a cold. lonely wound for another day. Today we heal betrayal.

The Antidote for Betrayal is…

Loyalty. According to Dr Martinez and in my experience, loyalty in the form of devotion heals betrayal. Here is a letting go of betrayal exercise from Dr Martinez you can learn and repeat any time you wish.

Find a place where you can relax. Your back is protected by a high back chair and you won’t be interrupted. Breathe into your body and allow yourself to feel the breath move into your belly. Relax your shoulders. Relax your jaw. Softly close your eyes and breathe gently into your body. Do this for some time and enjoy a peaceful state. Now think of that experience of betrayal. Keep breathing, eyes closed. How does it feel in your body? Where does this feeling live? Breath into it and just notice the sensations. Now recall a time when you felt devotion to yourself or someone else. When you were loyal or they were loyal to you. Bring the sensations into your body and bask in this memory. How are the sensations of devotion different than those of betrayal? Shift into betrayal again and notice the sensations without thinking. Breathe. Now back to loyalty and devotion. Practice shifting back and forth between the feelings of betrayal and those of loyalty. Do this until you naturally take a big breath. Flutter your eyes open and sit quietly and still for a few minutes. This stillness allows your body to complete the healing and to integrate the “healing field” of loyalty.

Deconstruct Loyalty:

I recommend we all become experts in the healing field of loyalty (devotion). Where do we see loyalty in our world? In ourselves? How can we be loyal to ourselves and what does this create inside of us? (perhaps, worthiness, self-esteem, courage – all qualities of the heart)

Seek loyalty in friends and especially yourself. If you weren’t a loyal friend in the past heal it with loyalty to Self. Don’t compromise or sell yourself out. Keep your agreements with yourself. Identify the self-care activities you need and set up a schedule where you are devoted to your well being.

FYI: Betrayal is the opposite of Joy. Yet even though most of us can identify more with a state of misery, it’s still not our natural state. Joy is. Underneath all that complaining lives the glowing, warm light of joy – the stuff we’re all made of.

It doesn’t matter what happened in the past. You’re worthy of happiness. If the people around you don’t agree, get some new people.

How is your Letting Go Practice?

Regardless of your adult child’s age, How will you know when you’re done parenting?

You will know when you feel content you’ve taught them and modeled for them, self-sufficiency. If your son is 22 years old and still living at home AND you feel the strain of this more often than not. Ask yourself if you can honestly say, “I’ve completed my job with him.”

Then be willing to have that conversation with him where you tell him, what’s right for you is for him to move out. Notice I didn’t say to tell him what’s right for him is to move out. This is his domain (what’s right for him). He’s an adult now so you must respect this. But it’s your house and your life and you need to express what’s right for you. If you feel guilty or humiliated at the thought of sharing what’s honestly right for you let go of this first.

Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.
~ Raymond Lindquist

Resistance around letting go of your adult children is a complex issue. It has to do with change, fear, and purpose. We fear the changes that will occur when we let go of others. If you deeply identify yourself with being a mother or father, of course letting go aspects of this role will come with resistance. It may also bring up fear around getting older.

I feel at the heart of this issue is the fear around one’s life purpose. If you’ve taken care of others in a parental role and the children are grown, you are faced with the question,

“What’s my purpose?”

Unfortunately, many people hear this and feel overwhelmed with not knowing. Instead of energized with the possibilities after raising children, they feel like they’re being punished. Like they lost their job.

Parents with adult children go through a grieving process. Change is often experienced as a loss. Until you process out enough grief, however, you won’t have the energy to discover your purpose beyond parenting. It’s like asking someone to use their imagination when they are hungry and have no place to sleep.

So begin with letting go of the grief and loss brought about by a change. Let go on this.

Then, let go on your resistance to expanding yourself and your life purpose. Steve Pavlina has an interesting approach to identifying your life purpose. It’s a simple process so I’ll share it here. Begin with a piece of paper and a pen. At the top of the page write: What is my life’s purpose? Then create a list of answers. Anything that comes to mind. Do this until something you write makes you cry. This is your purpose. I would add that letting go of what’s in the way of uncovering your life’s purpose would be an excellent first step.

It’s about money. Most of us were taught in some way that money is not cool. We learned to be suspicious of too much money. In our culture, money has many negative connotations. It’s no surprise it doesn’t stick to us in nice ways. Yet isn’t money a neutral thing like air? It’s like sex or even a gun (do I have your attention now?).

In it’s purest sense it is what it is until we go attaching our beliefs to it. Money becomes what we use it for and our intention behind the using of it (like sex and guns). If you’re upset about the sex and guns comment consider this. Sex can be beautiful and create a glorious oneness between two people or it can be used for power, control or to do harm. Likewise, guns can help provide food and to protect or be used for evil. Back to money.

Bart, with ten thousand dollars we’d be millionaires. We could buy all kinds of useful things like… love! ~ The Simpsons

So just for fun consider joining me in letting go the negative programming we carry (in our bodies, hearts, and minds) around money.

Notice I didn’t ask you to fall in love with it. Just get it to neutral* and see what happens.

No man can tell whether he is rich or poor by turning to his ledger. It is the heart that makes a man rich. He is rich according to what he is, not according to what he has.

~ Henry Ward Beecher

Exercise: Wealth

Take a deep breath and allow it to fill your tummy. Drop your shoulders and let your tongue drop in your mouth. Belly breathe in and out. While you do this quiet your thoughts. Now let’s enjoy a deep sense of safety and well-being. Breathe into any sensations that arise in your body and around your body. Once you are in that cozy, gentle place introduce the word wealth. As you breathe in softly think it and stretch it out with your breath. Then breath out the word in the same manner taking all the time you need for a long, delicious exhale. Chant the word wealth and weave it into your in and out breaths. Do this at least 10 times or more if you like. Allow the corners of your mouth to break into a Mona Lisa smile.

In this gorgeous state of letting go your body will naturally heal. Your loveable body will also repair negative beliefs connected to money. It seems too simple to work but it does. A part of you might resist it and that is fine. Feel the resistance. Breathe into where it turns up in your body and do the exercise right after this.

After the above exercise is complete, identify what “wealth” means to you. Make a list of what comes to mind. You may discover it is a beautiful word to grow into.

It’s not your genes that define you so much as your tribe. According to Dr Mario Martinez, less than 5% (Dr Bruce Lipton states less than 2%) of your body’s response to life (how you age, heal or even if you get sick or not) is defined by your genes!

This is a powerful indicator that you’re being defined by, you guessed it, the tribe. The tribe is your culture which includes your family, friends, what you watch on television, experience at work and in the hospital. Even those at the grocery store are defining who and what you are. Of course the tribe’s power is evolutionary. For millennia, it’s been safer to stick with the group. When the food is tough to get and predators abound there’s safety in numbers. Now, sticking with the wrong group can put you peril; the beliefs of the group can make us scared and sick.

A few common observations of the mainstream North American tribe:

don’t age gracefully – getting old sucks (take a poll to find out)

speak more about illness than health (listen to what people talk about)

instead of take a walk – take a pill (have a look in your medicine cabinet and why don’t we call it a wellness cabinet?!)

our medical system is predatory

don’t listen to your body

don’t know yourself

discourage joy (it’s not safe to be too happy)

Yikes! Are you ready to split? I can’t blame you. It’s not exactly a party till the end.

What’s next?

So there’s good news and a wee bit of bad. First the good. You can leave the scared tribe and become free of their negative beliefs (many of which aren’t even true) AND you’ll take the best of the tribe with you naturally, when you go. Yay! But. Once you’re out my friend, there’s no turning back. So aside from, “if you stay, you’ll pay” as motivation to leave, what are some benefits to leaving the tribe and what really happens next when you do?

Benefits to leaving the tribe:

you get to age gracefully if that’s what you choose

you get to celebrate your health with a happy and active lifestyle

you can throw away all the pills and items from the world of health terrorism

and the best part of leaving mainstream culture is…you get to be joyfilled!

How do you know you’re stuck in mainstream culture? If you felt ANY resistance to the last list. Like if you wanted to accuse me of being Pollyanna. I’ll give it to you straight. Pollyanna would have burst into flames a thousand times over going through the shit I did to get here. I’m positive because I feel worthy of being happy and loved. I feel this way because I let go as a practice.

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.
~ Thich Nhat Hanh

So let’s say you begin the process of leaving your tribe. Maybe you’re well into it. What does this look like?

I won’t sugar coat it. For me, leaving the tribe brought up a heap of resistance. It took a few years to find and learn how to let go.

Hey, before you bail to go for dinner with those friends that only lightly suck your will to live, but you’ve known them forever, know this. It’s worth it! It’s so worth it! What you’re essentially doing is creating your own subculture with the best of your old culture and adding the new.

Your process of letting go helps you to shed what you don’t want from the old tribe and to reveal what needs to be included in your new one. Then you don’t go hunting for others to join you as much as you become more and more of who you are. So much more that your peeps will find you.

Blogging is a perfect example of sharing your subculture so that others may connect. This is a great reason for blogging. So if what I share in this blog makes your heart skip a beat, then you’re instantly part of my wee subculture. Incidentally, I was raised by Canadians with Scottish and Ukrainian roots. I like and use the word “wee”, was a keen Highland dancer for many years and can make a mean pierogi.

I’m ok with this post not being on CNN. I’m ok with being small and smiley. I’m ok with letting go that which no longer serves my Highest Good.

This is a really exciting time for me. I’m in Los Angeles attending a workshop with the very talented and cutting edge scientist, Dr Mario Martinez. He’s an expert on wellness and healing having put together fascinating and important theories derived from an integrated view of the fields of psychoneuroimmunology, cultural anthropology and Buddhist contemplative psychology practices. He calls this biocognitive science. I’m delighted to be learning how to apply his theories to real life trauma held in the body. Allow me to share some of what I’ve learned. Of course, I invite you to see if there’s a fit for you and your healing practice.

Have you ever said you forgave someone but then felt somewhere in your body that this wasn’t true? In other words, this person still triggered something unpleasant inside your body. This may be experienced as an ache in your stomach or a dullness in your legs. (My little body willingly carried years of abuse in her cells until I figured out how to let this go.) According to Dr Martinez, healing with the mind (intellect) is ineffective because it does not include the necessary healing of the wounds held in the body. As I’ve said many times in this blog, our bodies carry the unhealed trauma of our entire lives (and past lives too if you believe in this). We also, as children, innocently assumed unhealed traumas from our parents. Our bodies carry cultural traumas and even traumatic events we watch on television. Over time and depending on the type of inner wound, these can develop into dis-eases like cancer, arthritis, diabetes and even fibromyalgia (which Dr Martinez assured us was a very real disease).

Another important point coming out of Dr Martinez’s theories was that our genes have very little impact (less than 5%). It’s the culture we live in that defines for us how we get sick, how we age and how we heal. Adding to the mental forgiveness that didn’t stick because the body wasn’t considered, now we have to account also for how our culture tells us to deal with the trauma. If the culture says, “Nope. What happened is unforgivable,” even if you want to forgive, you will find it very difficult if not impossible. This is why so many people who’ve imagined they healed through mental therapy still get sick!

The letting go process taught in this site is very effective for healing because it focuses on healing within the body. What I love about the work of Dr Martinez is that he encourages us to create awareness beyond our bodies and into our culture. Without this awareness, even with letting go we may be stuck in an unhealthy loop that continues to feed our bodies with trauma.

Over the next while, I’ll weave into this blog, many cultural injunctions (none of which are true for ALL humans) from which you can build awareness. Check your body with them and practice letting go. You might also pay attention to how people around you talk about illness and aging. See if you hear things like:

It’s that season again. Time for my flu shot!

Oh don’t go outside without a coat, you’ll catch a cold!

Allergies run in our family.

Achey joints are a natural part of aging.

I put my dog on special food for her allergies. (everyone forgets less than 25 years ago most family pets ate table scraps)

Cancer runs in my family so I have to be hyper-vigilant with my lifestyle. It’s not fun but I have no choice.

Everyone knows as you get older memory loss is inevitable.

Doctors say if we live long enough we’ll eventually die of cancer.

Can you think of any others?

hugs from beyond time and space,

Doree

Tip:

Another benefit of a daily letting go practice is the increase in body awareness that develops.

How is your Letting Go Practice?

How could we as parents help our children to come into their own individuality and complete their childhood with well developed self-esteem, courage and self-love?

I have some ideas.

Teach your child to let go.

I know this won’t come as a surprise and yet it has never been more important. The more negativity your child clears from within, the greater inner strength revealed. Instead of complaining with your child about how lame school is (and we’ve all done this) let go together and accept it is what it is. Help the child to see that the world is scared right now and angry about problems like climate change, over population and over consumption not to mention bullying. Everyone is in a frenzy to be right which hasn’t solved much. Nothing is ever solved by people stuck in negative emotions.

When we let go we free up energy and inner resources to look at problems creatively and intuitively. People who have let go are also willing to work together.

Encourage your child to see the world wisely

Know they can do this. Yes there are still moments when we clearly hold a wise space for our children but the days when adults are the “keepers of knowledge” have passed. It’s not about getting your child to adopt your point of view about how awful the world is. This is about acceptance of what is and choosing better in each moment. Encourage them to make choices from a sense of courage and acceptance not from fear, anger or pride. Teach them how to recognize the difference.

Show them what it is to be calm.

Weave in times in your family life where calm is the overall tone. Reinforce this sense in your child. Take breaks from technology and noise. Prepare and eat some meals in silence. This will benefit everyone because quiet and calm tells the body it’s safe. The more opportunities you and your child have for calm the greater the healing from the scary news talked about each day at school and found all over the internet.

Stop complaining about world problems.

Complaining about our tainted food supply or the devastated salmon streams only provokes fear and anger. People mistakenly believe that because fear and anger were motivating to humans in the past they are effective and appropriate energies today. I don’t believe this is true. Years have passed and many well meaning people continue on with the same complaints now decades old. Not much has changed and not much will if we continue to complain. I think we get the picture of how bad it is. Let the complainers continue doing this and you be different. Take the high road in full view of your child. Fall in love with the life you have right now. Let go of anything in the way of this. Adopt a reverence for life. Show your child what a reverence for life looks and feels like. Be grateful for the food you eat together. Take moments to feel blessed. Recycle out of love for your community and it’s wonderful well-meaning systems. Spend time outdoors in nature. Instead of complaining, remember what it feels like to love your planet and your life.

By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go.
— Lao Tzu

Help your child develop the tools of discernment

Just because it happened does not mean it’s true. When fighting breaks out in a country it is a reality on one level (human ego) it is not, however, the ultimate reality. Humans (especially the ones reading a blog like this) have access to higher ways of being and this must be mentored for our children. Therefore, we accept that people will continue to do despicable things to the planet, each other and themselves. However, we can and must choose better. To encourage discernment help your child see that people are limited in their choices but that there’s always choice. Notice when they made a choice to show courage, kindness or compassion. When they chose negativity encourage them to let go.

I hope these ideas inspire you and your family.

How is your Letting Go Practice?

This is a parenting story from many years ago. It’s relevant to my suggesting in Part 1 that we let go the negative aspects of the parent archtype. At the very least that we create awareness of how we are parenting and the options we have to be better. Here’s the story!

My friend was a very talented and intelligent woman. She was richly involved in the community and social activism. This gal was a mover and shaker. However, with her only child, a teenage daughter, this mother felt like a complete failure.

Her bright, 15 year old had gotten in with the “wrong crowd”, was skipping school and doing drugs. The mother tried everything from pleading to yelling. For months, nothing worked and their home life became a war zone. The daughter moved out, runaway style. Then the real trouble began as she ended up on the streets. Eventually and with the help of drug and alcohol counsellors the daughter moved back home where life for both mother and daughter improved dramatically.

In hearing this story and thinking of my own daughter, not old enough for school, I had to ask the mother, “What was it that eventually worked?” Then she told me something I’ll never forget. “One of the counsellors gave me a piece of advice.” she said. “Once applied the relationship healed almost instantly.”

“Treat your daughter as if she was the neighbour’s kid. Imagine she’s the same age and you really like her,” said the counsellor.

She took his advice to heart by letting go of the angry, disapproving parent. In her mother role, my friend assumed the energy of a caring adult. From that point on, only the adult showed up to interact with the recovering teen. The mother became calm. The war ended. Even more miraculous was that the daughter emerged into her innate intelligence and became a passionate learner and a good friend to others. Her creativity blossomed. She was happy.

Clear your thoughts and breathe into your body. Find the sensations that arise and breathe into those. Continue this, taking deep belly breaths until you feel a distinct lightening or you take a large breath or yawn. Then sit in silent stillness for another minute. Allow yourself to feel good. Breathe into feeling good without thinking until you sense a smile.

Here’s my sense. Ideally, childhood is where we learn what it means to approve of ourself. This sense of self-approval begins or doesn’t with the child-parent relationship. If, in reading this, you realize a sense of self-approval was not something you got as a child, I have great news. The child inside you is still there! You can create a sense of self-approval beginning now.

Let’s begin with a peek inside most everyone.

Regardless of our age, existing inside each of us is a child, an adult and a parent. The innocent, inner child lives mostly in the present. He’s delightfully curious and absorbs from his world without filters. Sometimes he gets into trouble. If this is not handled lovingly, overtime the child is wounded and may become a victim.

The parent is all-knowing, has expectations (typically of excellence) and takes on the job of scolding the child. Parents often have disapproving energy. To the child, they appear disappointed and at times disgusted. Above all, the parent is always right.

The adult has a gentle yet wise energy. It’s the adult inside who acts calmly and without criticism often instead with humour. They are accepting and approving. Unlike the parent, adults don’t yell unless there’s an emergency.

So there you have it, child, adult and parent in a nutshell. Now we need a scenario from which to play.

Imagine you’ve planned to reduce the quantity of simple carbohydrates in your diet. In plan english you’re cutting back on sugar, white flour, white rice and mashed potatoes. Inside your fridge lives a gorgeous cupcake which includes two major no-no ingredients (plenty of sugar and white flour). As you stand in front of the fridge, door open, gazing longingly at the beguiling party-treat, answer this. Who’s looking at the dreamy cupcake?

Peek-a-boo! It’s the child.

If you want to see the child again flash into a scene at a family Thanksgiving where relatives of all ages hover around the feast. Who are all these people wearing flimsy, multicoloured cracker crowns, forks and knives poised at the ready? They’re children. Pay attention next time you join others at a yummy meal and look for the child inside to come out – “Awh… I just need one more slice of this super deelish chocolate cake” (child).

Child says, “Blah, blah blah, what about that cupcake you mentioned?” Right. Back to the cupcake.

Children in proximity of treats are known for their speed. In a microsecond, that cupcake gets whizzed out of the fridge, no plate and before you could say “fuzzy pickles” a bite is swirling around the child’s mouth. Oh, oh! Who shows up next but the disapproving parent! Hands on hips and from a super grumpy face they yell, “Really?” “What’s that in your mouth?” (Parents love rhetorical questions) “Don’t you know that cupcake is full of heart-attack inducing sugar and white flour?” Parent goes on (and on) and eventually states the obvious (another favourite tactic).

“Does this mean everytime you see a cupcake you’re going to wolf it down without even asking my permission?!”

“Uh…huh.” child replies contemplating another bite.

And so it goes, the ancient and often draining drama of parent and child.

What happens when we seek the adult as replacement for the parent?

One more time with the cupcake scene.

The adult observes the child munching on the sugary treat and smiles (no expectations just acceptance). Child smiles back and wipes icing from her mouth, “You want some?” she gestures at the ravaged cupcake still in hand.

“I’m good.” replies the adult. Then child does something interesting.

“This is good too and I’ve had enough for now.” Then child grabs a small tupperware container pops in the remaining piece of cupcake and returns this to the fridge.

What if every interaction with child involved the approving adult instead of the disapproving parent? Check right now who’s answering this question (adult, parent or child)?

~ Dr David R Hawkins recommends we post this on our bathroom mirror to ignite the courage and compassion we need to heal ourselves. Also the statement’s humour helps to dissolve the ego.

My daughter, a lovely teenager, came to me this past year with what she expressed was very sad news. “A girl killed herself because she was bullied and it’s all over Facebook.” she told me. “All the kids are really upset.”

I remember how I initially felt in that moment. I felt angry and irritated with the girl. I remember thinking something like, “She may have been bullied, but taking her own life makes her the biggest of bullies.” “Now that she’s dead, she can bully everyone from the grave.” What she did reminded me how victims can be very dangerous people. I saw her choice as another setback that our world didn’t need right now. We’re so obsessed with victimhood. I felt awful. I had tolet it go.

I’m well aware that my regard for victims is not politically correct. Incidentally, those vested in political correctness are typically stuck in pride and unwilling to let go. Solutions are not found in anger or righteous pride. They are not found in falsely “canonizing” “victims” either. Both positions chose to blame something for the problem. “It’s the bullies fault!” “It’s our messed up education system.” “It’s too much technology, bad parenting, no parenting!” “Mean girls are everywhere and they cause this kind of thing.” And while we’re busy blaming we consume energy. We forget to let go.

Tune into Blaming on the All Avoidance Network!

So what do we do? If you’ve read anything else on this site you know what I do. I let go. Then I realize there really are no victims and there are no bullies. These are human constructions designed to hold us from our true Selves. Who and what we really are is love.

So, how will we ever get out from under this pandemic victimhood? I don’t have a scientific or a religious response. Those fields, for which I have a great deal of respect and gratitude, have not provided me with a peaceful understanding of this issue. It’s often in the spiritual solutions that I have uncovered profound answers.

Warning: the rest of this post will be Spiritual. If you must continue your life seeking explanations for everything through science or religion I completely accept your choice and wish you well. If, however, you want to take my hand, it’s always open.

I have an intuitive sense that we need to accept some people are going to kill themselves. Some people (including us) may have terrible things happen and there will be a great deal of suffering at times. How could there not be with all these victims running around? All we can do as individuals is accept and help others when we’re asked.

It’s who we choose to be that I’m most interested in exploring. Already I’ve suggested we could be accepting. When the alcoholic we love won’t stop drinking we accept this as his choice. He has the free will to drink and we have the free will to accept this. Painting him as a victim (or villain) and blaming the makers and sellers of alcohol is wasted energy. It’s also an escape from the inner work you’re avoiding. With the drinker, acceptance might choose to let go all expectations. You may even choose to love him from a distance. Let’s apply this spiritual stance to the girl on Facebook who killed herself.

She took her own life by choice. The victim brigade of the world will holler, “She had no choice but to kill herself!” “The bullies forced her.” Here’s the beauty of truth applied. Was it true that she really had no choice? Was it true that she was forced? Did someone hold a gun to her head and make her kill herself? No. What is true is that who she was at the time could see no other option than physical death as a way out of her inner pain. Yes, inner pain. As with all victims her pain came from inside herself. “Not true!” “She was bullied by dirtbags outside of her!” Really? Well I can imagine millions of other humans who’ve been bullied (including myself) and in the actual moment you do your best to survive it and then, when the dust settles, it’s 100% up to you. It’s like the woman who survived a rape 20 years ago along with her family of victims. 20 years later they’re still raping her with their thoughts, stories and negative feelings about what happened. Newsflash! You can’t be a victim if you choose to let go. We have choice and we have free will. That’s what makes this amazing “soup pot” we call Earth so deliciously educational. Victims pretend they have no choice. Victims are liars.

So the girl? Accept that she chose to kill herself. Have compassion for her not sympathy. Sympathy is for victims. Then, and here’s the best part, use what she did as an opportunity to let goyour inner victim. Where do you blame others or the world for your sadness, disappointments and life traumas? Let this go. Underneath your victimhood is a more honest version of yourself.

So what did I tell my teenager when she came to me with the suicide story on Facebook? In the moments after letting go I smiled gently at her and said, “At the time, she was unwilling to let go and chose to take her own physical life.” “Let’s have compassion for her and for those they say are the bullies.” “Now, where do we blame others for our circumstances and choices?” “Can we let go of that?”

Thank you for the courage it takes to read a post like this and thank you for letting go.

Socrates said, “Man can only choose the good.” What this means is, If man could do better he would. If you could do better you would. There you have it. Compassion is really that simple. It’s us accepting that everyone, in each moment, is doing the best he or she can with who they are and what they know.

The Martha Stewart example. In response to the accusation of insider trading, Martha’s best was to lie. We could accept, who she was, believed it was “a good thing” to avoid the truth. I like to imagine after all she’s been through Martha has become compassionate. It’s the key to forgiveness and self-acceptance and a more honest existence. Compassion begins with acceptance.

Why should I accept the mass murderer?!

I’m not suggesting you accept his behaviour. Accept him and have compassion. From his limited mind and heart, he believed his choice was the good. I’m super pleased it’s not your good or mine.

I don’t get it.

If we live in a place of non-acceptance we learn nothing. If we chose acceptance then compassion becomes available. We become open to learning. What can we learn from a horrible event? To heal ourselves. To let go.

Being asked to find compassion for a mass murderer is pushing it, don’t you think?

Congratulations! If you felt resistance to my request that’s real spiritual work! Incidentally, real spiritual work is rarely all sunshine and lolly-pops. It’s gritty and raw. It’s going into the chaos with your eyes wide open (all three of them – ha ha!). Spiritual work requires courage. It asks you to notice when your culture is demanding you judge and banish. It’s asking you to step up, protect yourself first and find a reverence for all of life. Maybe the best thing for all concerned is to incarcerate dangerous people. It’s how we do this that lacks compassion.

Yes, I might agree. But what about stupid people? We can’t put them in jail.

The next time someone (maybe you) does something stupid, tell yourself, “That’s the best she could do.” Or, “That’s the best I could do.” Then stop talking about it and let go.

Thank you for considering compassion as an option and thank you for letting go what might be in the way.

*This website is dedicated to helping people to let go. Learning how to let go has had a positive impact on my life. On each page and post, I encourage you to let go. Of course, you are always free to let go or not.

I love yoga especially the hot kind. Creating a healthy sweat while moving my body into better alignment feels great! It’s also the perfect place to practice letting go.

Let’s do some Letting Go YOGA!

During yoga class or within your home practice, try breathing a letting go breath into an area in your body that’s stiff. For example, if you’re standing in a forward fold, take your breath into the back of your legs along your back and into your neck. Find sensations of any kind and breathe into them. Now here’s the magical part. With your breath say “yes” to these sensations. Welcome them.

Allowing the sensations of tightness in your body creates non-resistance to what your body is expressing. It’s in this moment of non-resistance that the body lets go. Adding the letting go technique to one session of yoga can dramatically improve your flexibility!

“What you resist persists.” ~ Carl Jung

While we’re on the subject of breathing into your resistance, let’s look at breathing. The other day I was visiting a friend. As we talked, I became aware of her breathing. Actually it was her not-breathing that caught my attention. Unconsciously, she had taken her breath and shelved it to the highest part of her chest. Her chest was tight and her breath had no choice but to be wispy.

I inquired about this and it turned out she was suffering from some anxiety.

As an intuitive, the breathing patterns of another person are often one of the first things I notice.

Create awareness around your breathing. Do you fill your belly with deep relaxing breaths or is your air only found high in your chest? Louise Hay, a mind body expert, connects the breath with one’s “ability to take in life.” Consider how you normally breath is a clue to how you experience your life. Deep belly breathing tells the body it’s safe. Shallow upper chest breathing happens when we are afraid or anxious. If you have awareness of how you breathe you can take your breath deeper. In this state the body naturally lets go.

While you’re reading this practice deep belly breathing with a peaceful pause between the in and out breaths. Relax your tongue in your mouth, relax your jaw and then relax your scalp. Breathe. Chose regular times in your day when you will practice breathing deeply. When you are on the computer, sipping a hot, morning drink, when you’re on the phone or driving.

The other cool thing about breathing deeply is that you’re over half way to meditation. So let’s make this more meditative. From a safe place, close your eyes. Focus on the dark space behind your eyes and as you breathe follow the little sparkles of light. These are called phosphenes. Allow the deepening relaxation to unfold naturally. Telling yourself (or someone else) to relax is not very effective. If you need help with quieting the mind visit this page.

Back to our YOGA class. Every time you hold a posture for more than one breath and especially when you’re in a multiple breath asana, practice breathing welcoming breaths into the tension in your body. Remember, with Letting Go, YOGA stands for YES!

Letting go of stuff is the same as letting go of pent up negative energy in your body. It’s the glorious realization that you’d been holding on to something for no good reason. Incidentally, the only good reason is love. Do you love it? Then keep it. “Wait a minute” you say, “I don’t love my toilet but I’m not putting it on the curb anytime soon.” “I need that thing and a pile of other stuff I don’t love.”

Let’s expand our view of love for a moment with the help of Dr Hawkins. Love is actually a way of being in the world. It really has nothing to do with attachments (to things or people). Love in this sense is gratitude for the energy that serves you in your life and that includes your own energy. It’s having a deep appreciation. So don’t tell me your toilet is unappreciated or that you aren’t grateful to have one. In this sense you might agree that you do love your toilet. Now apply love as a way of being (grateful and appreciative) to other items around you. Play with the letting go technique while you go through some of your possessions. I’m certain you will discover some very interesting insights into the energy you associate with your stuff.

The Reduce Your Clutter movement has been gaining momentum over the years. We’ve been encouraged to Simplify Our Life by living clutter-free. As an intuitive, I sense another aspect to this picture. Reducing clutter is an indication of our increasing awareness of energy. Clutter has a numbing effect not unlike excess body fat, consuming carbohydrates or alcohol. As we let go our excess and unloved stuff, we release our energy draining attachments. We become, “un-numb”. Getting rid of cutter is a physical form of letting go. Many people who clear out their homes often happily discover they have lost body weight as well.

“Are you should-ing all over yourself?”

Imagine a few items you possess for the simple reason that you “should keep it”. Maybe one thing is a family heirloom, another was created by your daughter when she was only 4 years old and there’s that high school year book with a goofy note from your first love. “I should keep all that stuff” you plead. “It’s sentimental!” First of all “should” always means guilt is involved. So move into the big question, “Do I love it?” “Does it evoke a sense of gratitude and appreciation?” Or is it time to let it go? People who carry excess body weight are often full of unconscious guilt which is projected on their possessions in the form of, “I should keep this.” Let go your stuff, let go your guilt and lose the excess body fat which acted as a cushion from all that negative energy you carried around. If you haven’t read The Potato Story on this website, visit the page entitled, Why Let Go? to learn more about why we even have all that negative energy in our cells.

Letting go of clutter takes courage. Because courage comes from the heart, love is very much involved here. So remember to use the question, Do I love it?” when you’re reducing clutter.

One more thing to consider. After you’ve let go of your stuff physically and emotionally be sure to anchor the good feelings of lightness and freed up energy. Take a few minutes to sit in silence. Bask in the gratitude and appreciation for the things you do have around you.

How is your Letting Go Practice?

If you’re new to this site Start Here to answer the question, “Why Let Go?”

Do you relate to this scenario. You’re in a relationship and it doesn’t matter what kind (marriage, friendship, employee/employer, parent/adult child, neighbours, sisters) and you want to let it go and move on. Perhaps it took you years to even admit this. So will you do it? Will you let go and move on? Easier said than done right?. Why?

I absolutely love the world I live in, warts and all. In fact, I’m not a fair-weather resident of my culture which I find fascinatingly crazy and adorable. But when it comes to ending relationships I have to say our cultural response is totally nasty. We hear things like, “You’ve made your bed…” or “A friend is a friend till the end” Never mind that after 25 years you have nothing left in common with your “friend till the end friend”. How about this one, “Don’t burn your bridge” as if our entire future relied on our past work performance. Then we have the biblical demand to “honour thy father and mother” despite the fact that for some people this puts them square in the cross hairs of family violence and abuse. Why is it so not acceptable to let go and move on from a relationship? For many of us years pass as we continue to put energy into relationships that are clearly over.

Why Can’t We Move On?

Here’s what I’ve intuited around this very draining human behaviour of clinging to a dead relationship. Deep inside of us is an unconscious but powerful fear of abandonment. And this fear is running the show! Until we let go, we will always choose to drag out inappropriate or abusive relationships. We will continue to place ourselves in horrendous conditions to avoid potential aloneness. We sheepishly say, “It’s better to hang with the devil you know than the devil you don’t”. Or something like that.

Our cultural response to the ending of a relationship is so abusive people will actually stay in an abusive relationship in order to avoid being further abused by their culture. By culture, I refer to friends, family, community members, social networking and of course the media.

According to Dr David R Hawkins, relationships work when there is “alignment”. I have a wonderful artist friend who loves to create Venn diagrams. Alignment can be shown with a Venn diagram. I don’t want this to become a math lesson but you have circle A intersecting with Circle B and the red in the middle is the alignment.

When I think of alignment in a relationship I remember what I’ve learned from Dr Mario Martinez (Mind Body Code). He teaches never to compromise in a relationship which was shocking to me at first and because compromise is so expected in our culture. He suggests we be who we are without compromise and in our relationships look for common ground. To me this means alignment! So if your boyfriend likes car racing (and you don’t) and you like mountain biking (and he doesn’t) you find something you both enjoy like dressing up and going out for dinner. Healthy relationships intersect in the alignment.

How Do We Know When it’s Time to Move On?

When a relationship falls out of alignment (imagine two circles floating apart) it will either re-align or it won’t. If it doesn’t then it’s time to let go and move on. We all know the agony created inside people who stay in a relationship that is clearly out of alignment. This is where the letting go technique can be of great service.

Try this.

Imagine and hold in mind, a relationship that is out of alignment. If you are in one presently this is the best place to do some letting go. If you’re using your memory to recall a past relationship we can do some wonderful healing on pent up emotions around abandonment and humiliation. Hanging on to a disconnection can also generate a heap of guilt. We’ll release that too!

If you’ve not learned the letting go technique we’ll review it right now. Feel that negative emotion around the relationship you are holding in mind. Find the sensations in your body and quiet your mind. Thoughts are not helpful. Breathe into the sensations that come up in your body and allow them to live in your body. Give them breath. Pay no attention to anything other than the sensations in and around your body. You don’t need to think about anything because you have an intention to breathe into your emotional sensations. Do this until there’s a noticeable lightening in your body. Sometime you will take a big breath and feel lighter or tension will release from your face and jaw. You may even sense a tiny smile forming at the corners of your mouth.

Practice letting go on the sticky residue from a really old relationship, long ago ended. You will know you have successfully let go of the pent up negativity from this relationship when all the emotion you can find connected with it feels gentle and benign. If someone asked you about that relationship your response (which in the past may have been quite animated and charged) will be one of benign indifference. Well done!

In many letting go sessions I’ve minded for old cobweb covered relationships from my past. Until these are let go of, they consume a surprisingly large amount of energy.

Let’s be part of a newly evolving aspect of our culture. The part where we affirm alignment in relationships and when someone (including us) says it’s over we are generously accepting of this. When it’s over it’s over. No wallowing or fanfare. Maybe some gratitude and then move on.

Remember the most important relationship with which you need alignment is the one you have with yourself. This is a key benefit of letting go.

How is your Letting Go Practice?

If this is your first visit to the site, Start Here to learn about Letting Go.

“The ego is humourless.”

~ Dr David R Hawkins

Yesterday I had an interesting discussion that could have easily turned into an argument. It was with a lovely and talented person who is very vested in a certain self-improvement practice. In our discussion I suggested desire is a negative emotion and to have true freedom we need to let it go. Then I listened as she tried to convince me I was misinformed. The energy of her “education” had a very distinct quality. Actually it was what was lacking that caught my attention. Humour. It was absent of lightness and breath. There was no smile in her voice as I listened over the phone. Eventually the energy shifted as she dove into a light hearted story. “Whew!” I remember thinking, ” That was heavy.” Incidentally, “heavy” is a hallmark of the ego. When you can’t find any humour in the topic and the energy feels heavy this is another example of pride. Watch for it, because it’s very common. If you notice this heaviness on the news (and really, why are you watching the news if you’re letting go?!) use it as a trigger and find the energy in your body. Let go.

If you’ve been suffering from some dark thinking and you can’t seem to quiet your mind, and let go, watch a comedy. I really enjoy some of the old comedies like, I Love Lucy, Carol Burnett and Pink Panther. The comedian Jim Gaffigan on Netflix or YouTube is brilliant for dissolving the righteous anger of the ego. Speaking of anger, avoid angry comedians as their energy tends to have an anchoring of pride effect instead of dissolving it.

When was the last time you had a huge belly laugh or laughed until your eyes watered and your tummy hurt? These experiences are powerfully healing. Often joy lives right underneath a sticky, negative emotion. Let that go and voila, instant funny-bone!

Another way to your inner funny-bone is by being difficult to offend. People who are always offended are often disconnected from their sense of humour. They aren’t usually funny either. St Francis of Assisi suggested we go through life as if we were “wearing a loose garment”. This way, life is not constricting or suffocating. When you don’t offend easily you are open to the present moment and this is often where humans are delightfully funny. Imagine yourself at a comedy show where your favourite comedian is on stage performing. If you disappear into your thoughts during the show you will miss out on the fun. So humour is another powerful way to live (and laugh) in the present moment.

Q: How much “ego” do you need?
A: Just enough so that you don’t step in front of a bus.
~ Shunryu Suzuki

I love the humour provoked by silly questions. Just for fun and for letting go what might be in the way of your funny bone, ask yourself these giggle inducing questions. As the energy lightens, breathe into what comes up in your body. Then move on to the next question. This can be a really delightful experience if you let go any resistance you have to experiencing the playfulness of these questions. Here goes:

How is your Letting Go Practice?

If you’re new to this site Start Here to answer the question, “Why Let Go?”

See if you can relate to this:

“About that, I’m right damn it! Don’t question me. I know what I know is true and I wouldn’t be standing here if it weren’t for the fact that I’m right.”

Let’s for a moment sink into how that felt. Read the quote above over again and find the sensations in your body. If you want to make it even more real pick something from your life that fits with the words.

It doesn’t matter who or what we connect to this, we can all relate to feeling this way. This is the feeling of pride.

Now let me ask you this question.

“Would you rather be happy or right?”

I love this powerful question! When I ask it of myself the letting go is often instantaneous. Of course I want to be happy! Why then is being pridefully right so difficult to let go? Let’s explore the emotion of pride and our cultural expressions around it.

Pride is a a tricky shape-shifter masquerading as goodness and beauty. It can feel pretty good too in contrast to other feelings like guilt and apathy. With pride we sense an increase in power and mistakenly think we’ve arrived at a better place. It can feel so invigorating to be right. Yet in using pride we disconnect ourselves from noticing the overall negative and draining effects it has on our mind body spirit. We fool ourselves into believing that our righteousness protects us. So we cling to our opinions about everything. We become indignant about so many things. We blame and point fingers at “the enemy” and it feels so right.

“Pride is said to be the last vice a good man gets clear of.”

~ Benjamin Franklin

I want to create some further awareness of pride but before I do, I need to share a distinction.

Pride has two sides to it. There is the positive uplifting aspects of pride. Pride in one’s accomplishments not taken too far and connected to gratitude can be very positive. A sense of pride in one’s country, ethnicity and even sexual orientation can be heart-warming and paradoxically inclusive of other countries, cultures and diversities. These forms of pride are healthy and there are many others. One of the difficulties to recognizing the negative forms of pride is that our post-modern culture encourages and rewards it. I felt it might be helpful to present some examples of how the draining form of pride appears in our daily life.

Do-Gooderism ~ which is actually a need to have power and control over others.

Do-Gooderism sounds like this: “I know what’s best for you better than you do yourself”. It’s helping when you’ve not been asked. This is emotional escapism in the form of pride. If you are a do-gooder always “helping” others, ask yourself, “what am I not willing to face inside myself?”. “What am I escaping from that I don’t want to deal with?” Often it’s suppressed guilt. Someone who has let go of all their suppressed and repressed guilt stops going around “fixing” others. Helping others can be a beautiful and rewarding human experience. Be sure to create awareness and to honestly check the intention behind the helping.

Glamour ~ fixating on the external presentation of the body and the ego. Vanity.

It is the drama queen, the reality TV show, ego against ego. Glamour says, “I’m more beautiful, more interesting, more intelligent, more cunning, more creative, more spiritual, more informed than you or anyone else”. In short, “I am more”.

Beauty is uplifting, universal and comes from Grace by contrast the effects of glamour are deflating, disconnecting and stem from pride.

One form of glamour is found in the over adorning and embellishing of the body. I’m sorry to say that could mean your tattoos and piercings. With most everything it’s not the event or product of the event but the intention behind it that tells you if it has a negative or positive effect on you or others. Let’s use tattoos as an example. From my childhood, I recall seeing those dark blue anchors typically on the arms of older men. When I inquired, the response always had a resonance of honour at being connected to others from that time in the sailor’s life. I remember sensing the “fondness” to something around those tattoos. The same feeling arose for me when a teenage friend responded to my inquiry of his tattoo. He shared it was his family symbol from Japan. A small and simple but beautiful red flower enclosed in a circle. The intention behind this tattoo felt beautiful. He was honouring his family. Often a person will use tattoo as a form of expressing who they are and a story goes along with each tattoo. Clues to the energy behind the tattoo can be found in the story and of course the choice of image. If you discover your tattoo came from less than honourable intentions you can let go on the feelings it provokes. Maybe you’ll have it removed or the letting go healing will trigger a new and loving story.

Glamour is also found in new ageism. The sensationalism of psychics, mediums, and connecting with spirits and angels as a form of entertainment.

On a personal note, real spiritual work is rarely peaceful (to begin with). It can be hair-raising, debilitating and down right chaotic at times. I remember declaring my life’s intention was to be unconditionally loving to everyone and including myself. Next thing I knew the most unloveable qualities in me came pouring out! All manner of unappealing individuals came out of the wood work, zombie style demanding my attention and making my life a living crazy hell. For what felt like forever I heaved through this. Only recently have I felt light enough to tap into my authenticity and to share some of my journey with others. So my message to you is – Don’t give up! It gets better.

Another example of pride manifesting as glamour is found in the compulsive behaviours of over exercising and radical diets. To enjoy one’s body and lovingly care for it is one of the gifts of being human. Over-developing the body, however, with the intention to put it on display otherwise known as “posing” is an obvious form of pride. If you are a poser ask yourself, “what is this really about for me?” and practice letting go of the emotions that arise. If you’ve taken the joy out of eating by following a hyper controlled diet or diet based on your version of how messed up the world is, look deeply at how this makes you feel. Do you feel happy eating that way or right?”.

Having a “Holier Than Thou” Attitude ~ exclusivity through radical religionist views.

This is an elitist stance and stems from the unconscious fear of not knowing. It is also a desire to be special and set apart typically on a pedestal. “Holier Than Thou” pride sounds like this: “We will show you the way for we hold the secrets that have been kept from you and for which you have been searching.” (presumably outside yourself). Cults are an example of this form of pride. Beware anyone who says there are secret levels and truth costs money. Followers are led to believe that truth is something you “get” outside of yourself typically from some lauded guru sitting on some throne and holding a special magic key to the information you need to be happy. The great mystics and teachers all encouraged us to seek inner truth. Socrates said, “Know Thyself” Shakespeare wrote, “To thine own self be true” while the Buddha encouraged us to, “let go all attachments” and Jesus Christ taught that, “The Kingdom of Heaven is Within”. If you catch yourself, chequebook in hand, about to enter the “secret realm” please stop, go back to your car and let go. And let go all the way home.

To distinguish in yourself between healthy and draining forms of pride here’s a suggestion. Create awareness by tuning into the feelings connected to the thoughts and behaviour. Negative pride has signature feelings. It starts with that righteous energy where you are literally puffed up. Watch how you shift from being angry to being right which incidentally feels more powerful. It feels like expansion as if you were wildly falling in love with the idea. However, this is the nasty trick of pride.

How is your Letting Go Practice?

If you’re new to this site Start Here to answer the question, “Why Let Go?”

Our world is full of ideas and practices to help you get what you want. Many of these methods don’t work. Some have benefits but contain flaws or traps. How can letting go help?

Do you relate to a fear of success? It may surprise you to learn that fear of success is not actually a fear. It’s a desire. The desire to become someone else. It’s often found in “career students”. Instead of actually living your dreams or the new and improved self, you take another course or read another book (visit another website…hmmm). Followers of the idea of Law of Attraction can find themselves in a similar rut. Years pass and the vision remains glued on the board…unmanifest. So what’s going on?

It’s true that, “What you hold in mind tends to manifest” (David R Hawkins). However, the key phrase is, “tends to”. Within your desire is the possibility but there are no guarantees of actuality*. Therefore, if you take another course you may finally let go wanting to be more and effortlessly flow into your new career or you may not. Practicing the Law of Attraction can build awareness of self and reveal inner clarity but it can also be a trap. Here’s why.

Law of Attraction encourages the individual to connect powerful thoughts with richly felt emotion in order to manifest anything. If you’re practicing letting go you already know that thoughts can really get in the way. What’s more important is that the key emotion in law of attraction is desire. Yet desire is a negative emotion. Oh sure, the wanting can feel quite exhilarating. But as many desire fed addictions (gambling, sex, substances, success, ways of thinking) have shown us, the overall effect, over time, is draining. If you hold your desire in mind and “feel the having” as encouraged with Law of Attraction it will show up as wanting (desire). In doing this, you make a declaration of, “I don’t have”. This results in prolonging the not having. Practicing Law of Attraction may eventually get you what you want (often through eventual surrender) but the emotion of desire can render it ineffective. So how then do we manifest?

Dr Hawkins taught an elegant method for manifesting using Letting Go as the key practice. Here’s my version of how it works:

First create your vision – what you want (to be, have or do) and make this as creatively visual and emotionally attractive as you wish.
This is your intention. Then all you need to do is manage the negative emotion of desire connected to this intention. Whenever you feel the wanting of your intention, let go the feelings of wanting. If you catch yourself day dreaming about that new job, stop. Quiet the mind and go into the feelings and breathe as you would with any letting go experience. If you would like to revisit your intention occassionally there’s no harm in this. Let go on the feelings of desire. Let go the sensations of craving or anything else that comes up during your letting go.

This method can be applied with wonderful results to any intention such as:

weight-loss

more money

better job

new home

relationships

travel plans

a cup of coffee or anything else under the sun!

The true Secret to getting what you want is to actually let go the emotion of wanting it. Letting go reveals a life of open hearted, acceptance which gives a sense of completeness to each moment. In other words, what more could you want?

*Spiritual note: Occasionally, you may hit a karmatic wall and discover for whatever reason it’s not in the cards for you to be that or have that or go there. Can you let go the not having and trust this is for your best?

In our world, there is nothing worse than being humiliated. In fact, it’s even shameful to talk about humiliation of any kind. Recently this has begun to change. Some very courageous people are stepping up and launching our collective healing around this most debilitating, negative emotion.

Last year, shame researcher, Brene Brown’s TED talk went viral as an indication that our culture is finally realizing the devastating effect of shame. In her TED talk, Dr Brown shared, to avoid experiencing shame, we’ll do just about anything. Most commonly we take action to numb ourselves. We overeat, over medicate, watch excessive amounts of television, become a “holic”. Workaholic, shopaholic, alcoholic, chocoholic, sexaholic, sugarholic, cleanaholic, blogaholic – Yikes!

Clearly, we live in a culture of avoidance.

Let’s look at what people will do to avoid being humiliated. Remember Martha Stewart and her insider trading choices? All Martha needed to do was tell the truth. Admit her very human actions. Instead, we all know what happened next. She lied and went to jail for it. In a sense, Martha took the heat for many people’s shame-inducing lies. It’s important to consider that what she did was understandably human. We can all relate to her choices even if we don’t want to admit we would have done the same thing.

At the core of this avoidance of shame and humiliation is a deep misunderstanding. Our culture believes humiliation is a sister to humility. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Humility requires a strong sense of self-worth and compassion. A truly humble person is not a victim to the effects of the world. They accept the ups and downs of life. This includes an honest acceptance of themselves, warts and all. Humility says, “I did what I believed to be right at the time, knowing what I knew then.”

Martha avoided humility, seeing it as a threat. A guarantee to humiliation. How did this work for her? It didn’t. Martha went to jail where she likely experienced the humility that was inaccessible at the time of the trading scandal.

Humility

“Perpetual quietness of heart. It is to have no trouble. It is never to be fretted or vexed, irritable or sore; to wonder at nothing that is done to me, to feel nothing done against me.

“It is to be at rest when nobody praises me, and when I am blamed or despised, it is to have a blessed home in myself where I can go in and shut the door and pray to my Creator in secret and be at peace, as in a deep sea of calmness, when all around and about is seeming trouble. ”

~ Anon

Let Go Humiliation and Feel Joy!

Dr Brene Brown suggested that our addiction to numbing shame contributes to our unconscious numbing of joy. When we suppress the negative she theorized, we unknowingly suppress the positive. Dr Mario Maritnez, who authored the audio course, The Mind Body Code, presents information that agrees with Dr Brown. He encourages us to use a form of mind / body, letting go which takes us beyond the limited mental-focused healing practices into the body where true healing occurs. His work reminds us we are not just a mind therefore the healing needs to include the body. Of course, I believe this is exactly why the letting go process works!

Dr Martinez suggests a shaming wound also has an antidote emotion or state. To heal shame we need honour.

I’ve worked personally with the antidote of honour. For example after I’ve done the letting go process for sensations of humiliation or shame I then allow myself to experience the emotions of honour. After many letting go sessions, I have shifted my antidote for shame from honour to adoration. What I mean by this is, I allow myself to feel adored and to remember experiences when I felt adored and when I adored myself. Honour felt a little too official and frankly too masculine for me. I relate better to adoration, my personal antidote for shame.

Let’s conclude by taking this moment from the mind to the body. Allow yourself to do the letting go method on a story of humiliation or feelings of being ashamed. Then allow the experience of honour and adoration to fill your body, mind and spirit.

How is your Letting Go Practice?

If you’re new to this site Start Here to answer the question, “Why Let Go?”

Guilt is one of the most useless emotions. It’s not motivating like anger or releasing like grief. The term “wallowing in her guilt” says it all really. It’s easy to find yourself stuck in guilt as a lifestyle. Let’s have a look at guilt and create some awareness of this negative emotion in preparation for letting go.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time.” ~ Dr David R Hawkins

Guilt is connected to expectations of oneself or someone else. Expectations invite suffering. Spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson, speaks of the guilt-inducing trap found in what she calls “special love relationships”. We take a personal connection with another person and label it, to make it special. Labels such as mother, spouse, boss, daughter, best friend, and all the titles we place “my” in front of, as in, “my doctor”, “my lover” or “my sister”.

Once we take a relationship and turn it into one we view as special we automatically create expectations. These expectations are a powerful clue to how guilt operates. Here’s why. Consider each special relationship has it’s own list of expectations. For example, “My brother should be helpful, lend me money, protect me from our father, eat healthier, find a different girlfriend, not be so lazy, get a haircut.” We, of course, do this with ourselves using, “I should…”. Any thought connected to a person and including the word “should” contains the seed of guilt. It’s a tell-tale set-up. Beginning with the demand we “should” be a certain way and then, when expectations aren’t met, we feel guilt.

When we demand others “should” be a certain way and they don’t live up to our expectations we feel disappointment which leads to resentment, another form of guilt. Mind-body guru, Louise Hay, will tell you, resentment can lead to cancer manifesting in the body.

Dr Menis Yousry a psychotherapist describes how pent up guilt and resentment forces the “wallower” to find an enemy. It becomes so painful to carry guilt that we are forced to find someone to blame for all our pain. In psychoanalytical terms, this is called projection. Each time we blame someone outside of ourselves for our circumstances we avoid taking responsibility. This is one pathway to victimhood. Sadly, in our culture, it’s socially encouraged to blame others. So the world is full of victims and villains incapable of experiencing compassion.

Compassion is an antidote to victimhood because it asks us to deeply understand that everyone is doing the best he or she can. In other words, if they could do better they would.

”The highest realms of thought are impossible to reach without first attaining an understanding of compassion.” ~ Socrates

However guilt and resentment presents, it can be released through the letting go method.

Sometimes there is no preparation possible with letting go and one gets right to the silencing of the mind and breathing into and welcoming the sensations noticed in the body. However, if you are creating a letting go practice, I have some suggestions.

Dr Mario Martinez, creator of the audio program, The Mind Body Code, shares some wonderful research and techniques on relaxing the mind and body. He suggests ideally we need to create a physical sense of safety by first protecting the back. Maybe by sitting comfortably against a wall or in a high back chair. Another suggestion is to not, try to relax. Asking the body to relax only seems to create tension. Instead to gently breathe into the body and to create what Dr Martinez says is a Mona Lisa smile. This is a physical indicator to the mind that says, I am safe.

The mind body expert, Dawson Church, suggests the brain goes into relaxed, receptivity when we physically drop our tongue – just let it drop in our mouth. He also recommends with closed eyes, we visualize a field of black, behind our eyes. This visual is said to instantly shift our brain waves telling the body it’s safe and inducing relaxation and calm.

Dr David R Hawkins, the inspiration behind learn-letting-go.com, encourages us to remember we are free to let go or not. Nobody is being forced to let go. It is a choice.

We are merely utilizing our own inner nature to get freer and happier. ~ Dr David R Hawkins

The most common times I would use these ideas to help me prepare is during my planned practice. Typically, when I am waking in the morning and as I’m drifting off to sleep. I am at these times quite relaxed and comfortable. I will silently ask if there is anything I need to let go of and then tune into my body, cease all thinking and breath into the areas of my body I notice. Maybe there’s a crick in my neck, I breathe into it until I no longer feel it. Then I keep going, breathing and noticing the sensations then breathing into these. The overall effect is wonderful and I will either drift off to sleep at night or if it’s morning, I rise feeling quite full of energy.

Often after letting go, I naturally feel a deep sense of gratitude for the simple practice.

This is your invitation to visit the Learn Letting Go Podcasts. Each week new episodes are added. Find your particular issue, listen and let go with Doree. Each episode is short (about 3-5 minutes), sweet and will give results. Join the pathway to real and lasting happiness.

When a child is born we give them a magical burlap sack, a potato sack. The child is encouraged by their family, friends and those around them to carry this sack everywhere. Then the child learns when life gets hard or something bad happens we use a potato to remember it and place it in our potato sack. Every time we’re disappointed in ourselves or others we get a new potato. Each morning upon waking we pick up the sack of potatoes and take it with us wherever we go. Imagine that sack of potatoes over time. It gets heavy. Somedays it feels so heavy we don’t think it’s possible for us to carry. So we drag it. Old potatoes inside shoot out eyes and roots in a tangled mess. They shrivel and rot. It’s not long before our heavy sack of potatoes begins to stink. Somedays the smell is unbearable. We have get-togethers with others and bring our potatoes. At these times we dig into our stinky sacks and take out potatoes to talk about. We listen to sad and scary potato stories. Then we put everything back and drag it home. Some nights before bed we dig through the pile and remember many old potatoes. It can be a form of awful entertainment. Occasionally we wonder about leaving a potato. Then we change our mind and put it back. Life gets heavy and some days it really stinks.

Then one day it occurs to us that we could let some of this burden go. We could dig a hole and bury a potato or leave a few by the side of a road. Once let go they naturally compost. With less potatoes we have more energy. The air is fresher and we discover ourselves breathing deeply maybe for the first time ever. A small few of us have left their entire sacks behind. They smile and shake their heads at any potato and move through life feeling very light-weight. Potato-less. Sometimes they teach others how to let go of their potatoes. Are you ready and willing to let go of your potatoes?

Testimonials!

I practiced Letting Go with Doree, and it has been one of the most powerful experiences. Her guided meditations are perfectly paced, and meaningful. The Letting Go meditations have helped me greatly in my life. I was able to let go of blockages so I can move fully into a happier, more peaceful life. Thank you Doree! You're amazing, and your teachings/insights are incredibly valuable.
~ A.C.

Doree is an evolving encyclopedia for the spiritual warrior. Her Intuitive sense filters through all that is false straight to the Heart of the matter. An Empath and guide in Letting Go she is able to facilitate evolution from moment to moment. For those in helping professions, Doree is an expert guide toward clarity leaving one more effective and personally empowered.
~ L. S.

Hi Doree. I feel like I've been in constant worry for too long. You helped me snap out of it! Your intuition and insight were exactly what I needed. I really admire your wisdom, intelligence and expertise at this life. In my eyes, you have mastered it with beauty. I'm grateful to have a connection to you.
~ N.D.