The Fate of the Furious

Here we are, number eight in the impossible series. The one that started as cheesy car exploitation with surprising heart, and evolved into… the FAST AND THE FURIOUS series. The one that, I am happy to say, is still the longest running movie series that I like every installment of. (Second place is still DEATH WISH. I am now aware that RESIDENT EVIL comes close, but I don’t like the first one.)

That is not to say that it can sustain forever. But only because fossil fuels will eventually run out. Inevitably, there has been a slight downward arc in quality since the untoppable back-to-back peaking of FAST FIVE and FURIOUS 6, but part FATE is still an immensely entertaining chapter in the ongoing soap opera about friends who have been repeatedly swallowed and coughed up by the impossible, and filmmakers who have not yet run out of ways to go bigger and more ridiculous than last time. (Hint: car playing chicken with nuclear submarine.)

Ah, who am I fooling, there is no room for hints in this review. This is gonna be straight up SPOILERs throughout. I’ll write it so it makes sense to those who will foolishly avoid the movie and just read this, but my recommendation is obviously to go see the movie first. I will not be pussyfooting around about surprises. We’re gonna want to discuss them.

If you are reading this in the future and can’t remember which one is part FATE, it’s the one where Dom (Vin Diesel, BABYLON A.D.) is forced to turn against the others and work for new anarcho-hacker-super-terrorist villain Cipher (Charlize Theron, REINDEER GAMES) because she kidnapped his ex Elena (Elsa Pataky, GIVE ‘EM HELL MALONE) and previously-unknown baby son. He kinda acts like a Terminator and doesn’t reveal what’s up to the others, but maybe an hour in it becomes clear that he’s got something up his sleeve, working on some sort of plan. This is a fun new development for the series because

1. it gives Dom that Blade quality I love, that he’s secretly steps ahead of everyone else and in control when it seems like he’s licked. “All back of the bus and shit.”

2. they get to do that gimmick where there are little flashbacks going back to earlier scenes to show us a new angle or new information so we realize what REALLY was going on there

The primary theme this time: parenthood. Letty (Michelle Rodriguez, AVATAR) – who I think still only remembers her life post-part 4, but I’m not positive – broaches the topic with Dom. Then Dom learns that he already has a baby with his only-while-he-thought-Letty-was-dead-girlfriend Elena (Oh shit, Elena. It was nice knowing you). The trailers made us wonder what was the one thing that would make Dom turn his back on family. The answer is baby.

In retrospect there was some foreshadowing to that in the opening. After Dom wins a race he’s immediately mobbed by children like he’s Mr. T. This has never happened in any of the numerous street races throughout the eight films, but right at this moment Dom’s biological clock is giving off clock pheromones that attract packs of youths, proving how good he is with them.

Meanwhile, you have Hobbes (D.T.R. Johnson, THE RUNDOWN) realizing it’s more important to spend time with his daughter (Eden Estrella) than to do his job of going around the world being totally fucking awesome and kicking everybody’s ass and being amazing and sweaty. The idea is introduced in an overly long comedy sequence about coaching a girl’s soccer team.

(To be fair it’s way better than the stretch of the otherwise impeccable FURIOUS 6 where he makes the snooty car salesman take his clothes off. But with all this and less macho barking of orders it tips just beyond Badass Juxtaposition to a softening of the character. He’s now closer to the normal lovable Rock persona than the hardass Hobbes character, in my opinion. I’ll live, but I feel a duty to point it out.)

Even the surprise-if-you-forgot-she-was-gonna-be-in-it cameo by Helen Mirren (SHADOWBOXER) ties in to this theme because she’s the mother of Owen (Jason Statham, SAFE) and Deckard Shaw (Luke Evans, NO ONE LIVES) and gets them to do what she wants.

PARENTHOOD and BABY are of course an extension of the series’ main theme of FAMILY (which they seem to mention more and more in each chapter, as if aware of a drinking game). They also delve further into that other recurring-since-part-1 theme REDEMPTION/FORGIVENESS. That one is beautifully philosophized upon in the excellent opening street race in Cuba in which Dom helps a babyfaced, never-mentioned-before cousin (Janmarco Santiago) by jerry-rigging his rusty junker (somehow known to be “the slowest car on the island”) to use as a flaming rocket against the certified fastest car on the island. Dom defeats this criminal and cheater Raldo (Celestino Cornielle, Days of Our Lives) but chooses not to take his car, only his respect. This sort of Fight Brotherhood happens in other installments (in fact Dom was kind of the bad guy in part 1!) but here it reminds me of how The Shadow saves people and they become his agents who help him out in the future.

The opening is also very reminiscent of xXx: RETURN OF XANDER CAGE, in which Diesel is again living off the grid in an exotic locale where he’s beloved for using his elite skills to help the little guy.

The forgiveness theme stretches our suspension of disbelief further than ever before with writer Chris Morgan’s not-necessarily-incorrect decision to choose thrills over emotional truth by busting part 7 villain Deckard Shaw out of jail to work with the team. At first they hate him, but Hobbes quickly becomes his buddy and at the end not only does everybody apparently forgive him, but government agent Mr. Nobody (Kurt Russell, DEATH PROOF) seems to just let him go free!

Pros: It is fun to see them team up, and he gets to do lots of Jason Statham shit, jumping off walls and somersaulting and kicking people and what not. Very fun to watch despite some blurry camera shit.

Cons: Not only did they spend the entire last movie trying to avenge Deckard for murdering Han, he also opened that movie by massacring everybody in a hospital! But I guess being locked up for the period between the two movies is enough punishment?

Some of this is I think is supposed to be explained away with some convoluted, wonderfully seat-of-the-pants reconfiguring of the backstory so that (if I understood correctly) Owen Shaw in part 6 was actually doing the bidding of Cipher, just as Dom is here. I’m not sure I buy that because he sure didn’t seem like he was acting against his will. And at any rate his shenanigans caused the death of Giselle (as well as Gina Carano’s character, but she was evil). And, I mean, they drove a tank down the freeway, flattening random civilian cars just for fun! Dom didn’t do shit like that.

I believe Cipher only has one scene outside of her control room superjet, and doesn’t drive or fight, but that leaves something exciting for her return. (Also let’s hope she wears some of her cool masks.) While far from one of the top ranking Theron characters and performances, I enjoyed seeing her act tough, deliver huge chunks of exposition and do some poor-man’s-Wachowski philosophizing. She’s sort of an all-knowing being. She quotes Dom’s “I live life a quarter mile at a time” line at him – does this mean she’s been spying on him since part 1, or that she has transcended her world of fiction to actually watch part 1 and quote it? I suppose it could be that he continues to say that line to this day and it’s just not included in the movies. Or that the other street racers thought it was hilarious and it became a legendary story about him that everybody knew.

Anyway, like in PROMETHEUS, it’s funny to see Theron start to panic at the end when it becomes clear that the gig is up. Theron has an Oscar and everything but I’m still not sure she gets enough credit for what she brings to characters like this. She even managed to liven up SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN for a bit.

The team was sort of forced to work for the mysterious Mr. Nobody in part 7, and at this point they seem to be like a secret black ops car racing team with access to confiscated drug dealer cars and a tank. So I started to think of them as sort of being like GI JOE every time you see their multi-colored squad of vehicles racing into action.

About that action: The conventional wisdom probly goes that these absurd car spectacles cannot possibly continue to get bigger and over-the-top-er without losing us. And I admit that the set pieces in this one don’t have the kind of awe-inspiring momentum and rhythm that Lin managed in the aforementioned FURIOUS 6 tank scene. But armies of cars being controlled remotely to drive off ledges, The Rock climbing on the side of a truck to redirect a sliding torpedo by hand, Tyrese surfing on a car door towed by a car across ice… if this sort of shit doesn’t put a big dumb smile on your face then your face is really different from mine.

(Side note: I was amazed and impressed to learn how much of this was real car stunts, not FX. Even Dom jumping the submarine! Even the torpedo! Check out Thrillist’s article about it.)

I think after part FIVE got them on board, part FATE might be where the critical establishment starts looking for the exits. This one’s by F. Gary Gray (who previously directed Diesel in A MAN APART, Theron and Statham in THE ITALIAN JOB and The Rock in BE COOL), but I don’t think I would’ve guessed it was someone new if I didn’t know. Though they’re mixing things up with Dom turning on the family and the weird Hobbes/Deckard bro-ship, it still feels awfully close to the formula established in the last few, minus the freshness or the crucial relations of Dom/Brian or Han/the audience. In fact they’re sort of betraying that bond with their lax attitude toward Han’s killer. Instead of making an argument for Deckard’s redemption they just kind of assume you won’t think about it. I mean… Deckard saves Dom’s baby, so Dom shakes his hand. But shouldn’t there at least be a long, unsure hesitation first? That should be a major dramatic moment. They act like it’s not that big of a deal.

That said… he saved the baby! It would be hard not to enjoy Deckard’s HARD BOILED homage, especially since I believe he brought that baby carrier with him onto the plane, and that it might be a specially designed tactical baby carrier, seeing as how he uses it as a shield. Also the uniting of the villains of 6 and 7 made for the first time I’ve ever heard a crowd (or myself) applaud a surprise cameo by Luke Evans.

Also, Riddick is a killer who we forgive. Maybe this is a Vin Diesel thing.

I kept feeling like there wasn’t as much of that heart that we all love about these movies, but then something would come up. There’s at least one great moment when Dom has turned the tables on Cipher and he and his car have returned to the team. Letty sees him – validating her having continued to believe in him (itself a favor returned for him believing in her when amnesia made her a bad guy two movies ago) – and there’s a long shot of her gigantic, beaming smile through the driver’s side window. FATE wins the battles, if not the whole war.

Where to next? They’ve re-established their L.A. backyard on a roof in New York City. They have a tentative new recruit – Mr. Nobody’s lieutenant Little Nobody (Scott Eastwood, GRAN TORINO) – to fill the vacated white guy slot. Yes, it’s a good idea to have a guy who looks exactly like Clint Eastwood in any movie, but clearly part 3’s Sean Boswell (Lucas Black) should be the guy. This is not up for debate. Bring him back.

They probly need to change up the status quo, and I’m sure they will. They made a point of reminding us that we don’t know who the hell Mr. Nobody is, which may mean some sort of revelation about that (before Paul Walker’s death he was going to turn out to be the father O’Conner never met).

And now Dom will have to change diapers. The thing is, I actually do kinda think Dom could be a good dad if he abandoned all of his interests other than barbecues and praying. But I don’t want to see a movie about that. I don’t want him to have to create a special baby seat that won’t be crushed in his various car endeavors. I don’t want him to have to claim every movie that it’s gonna be his last ride. I don’t want him or Letty to have to stay home to babysit. And I wonder why they didn’t do this before and work the timeline out so that somehow Bow Wow in part 3 was his son. But it will be funny if we get to see a fat, drooling baby leaping in slow motion from one moving vehicle to another. That might be worth it.

I think right now the best thing we can hope for is for Justin Lin to come back with an idea of how to reinvigorate the series one or two or three last times. Until then, I would like to congratulate the universe on the existence of this great series.

VERN has been reviewing movies since 1999 and is the author of the books SEAGALOGY: A STUDY OF THE ASS-KICKING FILMS OF STEVEN SEAGAL, YIPPEE KI-YAY MOVIEGOER!: WRITINGS ON BRUCE WILLIS, BADASS CINEMA AND OTHER IMPORTANT TOPICS and NIKETOWN: A NOVEL. His horror-action novel WORM ON A HOOK will arrive later this year.

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141 Responses to “The Fate of the Furious”

My initial reaction was that the plot of PART FATE was a lot tighter than FURIOUS 7, but the longer I noodle on it, the more things kinda fall apart. I think they mostly avoided some of the giant holes that Walker’s death brought in, but despite Statham stealing the fucking show on that plane, they definitely glossed over Han’s death / Deckard Shaw’s villainy.

Here’s my hope: We get Sean Boswell back in FAST FNINE and directly address Han’s death and/or the big reveal that Han didn’t really die after all — that’s really the only way to get past this tonal misstep in my opinion.

And I’m really unsure how they’re gonna square the issue of Dom & Letty having a child but still getting all FAST & FURIOUS up in there. You literally cannot sideline the last remaining female driver in this series by keeping her at home with the kid. I suggest putting Scott Eastwood’s limp noodle character up as a live-in nanny for them.

And teach Ramsey to fucking drive, for crying out loud. It can happen between films. But now the two most recent female characters (Ramsey and Cipher) aren’t drivers at all? I suspect Charlize will show back up in FNINE with a badass Lambo or something now that here cool plane is gone. Ramsey though, she’s gotta turn into an unhinged maniac on the streets. I find it to be super lame that her entire characterization is as an object for Tej and Roman to fight over and who also types really fast. I did love the joke at the end about her last name though, that was the biggest and best laugh in the movie. Now give her something to be.

Really enjoyed this one as well. Like I said in the trailer thread, this one may be on cruise control *rimshot* but who cares when it’s still this fun.

When my brother and I were driving from the preview screening he said ‘Y’ know, it’s nice to see a movie where we just enjoy it and don’t feel the need to over analyse it or nitpick it.’ I strongly concur. Is this how DISNEY STAR WARS and MARVEL STUDIOS fans feel?

First 45 minutes or so I was smiling, marveling at the ridiculousness of it all. It is clearly a movie that embraces the inner stupid.

But once the automatic cars started dropping from the sky in New York, I just ceased to give a shit. By the time they got to the submarine, I was more interested in getting the new Star Wars trailer to play on my phone while I was in the theater.

I loved it. My wife & I were sitting in the theater and when the first race started approximately one minute into the movie I could feel the big goofy grin spreading on my face. I realized that I was half-expecting them to have missed a step — due to entropy, or losing Paul Walker, or whatever — but no. It’s the same blend of character, stunts, soap opera, and people doing unusual things with cars. And it still works.

But.

Afterwards I was thinking about how much better the movie would have been with some Brian O’Conner in there. I miss Paul Walker. And maybe Scott Eastwood could do a good job if he had an actual character to play, but he sure didn’t. I don’t know why they bothered adding that character — if you’re adding Statham as a regular, why do you also need another white guy?

Anyway. It’s probably number three or four in the series for me. Not bad for an eighth chapter!

It’ll be hard to retcon Han’s death since Dom went all the way to Tokyo and brought his body back (apparently?) — what was in the coffin at the “no more funerals” funeral if not Han? So, forgoing some elaborate plot by Dom to conceal Han (why?) my hopes that it wasn’t a real death are kinda soft. But it’s worth noting that we don’t ever actually see his dead body.

I’m with geoffrey on this one. This series has reached the rarified air of the DIE HARDs or LETHAL WEAPONs where I know there are flaws but I really don’t give a fuck. I’m just delighted to be spending time with these characters and watching them do what they do. Because what they do is fucking awesome.

Things I liked:

• That opening scene was the best straight-up race in series history. I love that it makes Dom the underdog and makes him use his legendary Car Whispering skills to win instead of relying on muscle. For a second there I also thought they were bringing back the CGI neon-highlighter engine parts from the first few movies, but then I realized that the engine was just so hot that it was glowing. I was happy to see that candy-colored crap go when the series changed direction but I wouldn’t mind if they tried integrating it into the new aesthetic. If there’s one thing Vin has proven, it’s that he’s never embarrassed by continuity. Bring back the Hulk car, I say.

• Dom being the prom king of the world is just awesome. I want him to visit every country on earth so he can Domsplain what’s special about their own culture to them and have everybody turn him into an instant folk hero for it.

• They’re all still multimillionaires, right? Because I’m not sure even the real Vin Diesel could afford that apartment in Manhattan.

• Did the zombie car scene remind anyone else of THE BLUES BROTHERS? I got a real kick out of the shot of all the cars careening around the corner and tumbling all over each other like socks in a dryer. Just pure, delirious overkill.

• “Why live a quarter-mile at a time when you can live your whole life that way?” What does that even mean? HE ALREADY LIVES HIS WHOLE LIFE THAT WAY THAT IS WHAT THE QUOTE IS ABOUT. I love that they got an Oscar winner to invest this ouroboric fortune cookie horseshit with so much gravitas.

• Holy shit, did Roman just have the badass highlight of the movie? I mean, sure, he’s the comic relief but let’s not forget that he’s from the streets. Just cuz he don’t tote the hammer no more don’t mean he don’t know how.

• Dom knows that SPOILER killing the ginger fuck who fridged Elena wouldn’t be half as meaningful if he didn’t do it on the hood of a car.

• Could this be the movie that finally makes the most of The Rock’s larger-than-life physical presence by letting him fight like the superhero he is? He’s sending motherfuckers flying across the room, taking hits no mortal could withstand, and basically just being the unstoppable force we always wanted him to be. The part where he jacks Cunt Leastwood against the wall sideways was a highlight for me. (Sorry for the pun, but I just resent the guy. You don’t get to be Clint’s son AND be that good-looking AND get handed high-profile acting roles despite being aggressively mediocre without some blowback.)

• On that same note, I loved the cross-cutting between Statham and Johnson in the prison escape. It really showed the differences in their styles and in their appeal. I thought this was a big improvement on the way their fight in 7 was choreographed to make them both look like burly brawlers. Making no mystery of Statham’s comparatively unimpressive stature was a good call in this one. You’re not gonna outbeef Vin and The Rock on their own turf so it was smart to lean into his grace and speed. I never tire of watching that man move.

• Words cannot express how much I love that Statham and Evans are playing the Shaw Brothers. I don’t even care that their accents are about as distinct from each other as the United Kingdom allows.

• I’m not totally convinced that Deckard has redeemed himself enough to be part of the crew but this is a series that has always painted in broad strokes so I’m willing to go with it. It also helps that this might be the first Statham performance to fully exploit his entire toolkit, from improv comedy to lightning-fast martial arts to steely resolve. How could you stay mad at this guy? (Also did anybody notice that he took a major hit to save Ramsey from a falling wall when Cipher attacked Nowhere? He didn’t have to do that. That was some instinctive hero shit. I say we give him a chance.)

• Helen Mirren getting to drop this installment’s one allotted F-bomb. Doing it in Dick Van Dyke’s cockney accent makes it even better.

• I love that there’s no hand-wringing about whether they can trust Dom again after all this. Of course they can. It’s not even an issue so why even insult our intelligence by bringing it up?

• Leo and Santos are back! The family is whole again!

• I didn’t notice until the second time that Tej’s FRIDAY reference was an inside joke, as I’d forgotten that it was F.Gary Gray’s feature film debut. (He also played the guy who worked at the convenience store.) Either way, it was perfect, because that’s EXACTLY what Tej would have said in that situation. Shit, he’s probably been using that line since ’95. That’s how you meta, creators of THE EXPENDABLES.

• “Meet Brian.” Niagara Fuckin’ Falls. I saw it coming an hour and a half ago and it still got me right in the feels.

All in all a purely delightful time at the movies. I could nitpick but life’s too fuckin’ short, even a quarter mile at a time.

It was going to be hard to top the wonderful symphony of violent chaos and alpha male wish fulfillment that parts 5 – 7 managed to achieve no matter what. For what it’s worth though I think F. Gary Gray did a good job with part BRIAN-LESS*. Only real issue besides wack comic relief that fell flat from Tyrese all over the flick was that corny way too on the nose callback to FRIDAY but I get that Gray had to suck his own dick somehow.

Movie itself was more hit than miss for sure but it did have several glaring misses. Like some of you guys (our gracious host included) I found it really difficult to buy into the whole “Shaw is now an ally” angle. I mean really we the audience have known for the last 11 years that Han was a “brother” to Dom and we’re just gonna act like his executioner being within arm’s reach will trigger a chuckle from him by the end there? I mean son saving or not that is too big a pill to swallow even for this series. However I also do forgive it for allowing Jason Statham to do some Jason Statham shit in front of one of the biggest movie audiences his Stathamness will ever be exposed to. Maybe now that could make some of my future family get togethers filled with Statham doubters more easy to get through.

Trying to use Baby Eastwood as a surrogate Paul Walker just did not work. At all. I’m with the “bring back Sean Boswell” team. Especially if it’s pulled off similar to something like what the King suggested up there in the first post in the thread. This is why Justin Lin needs to return before this shit is done. He’s the only one that can make that right as the creator of Han. I also felt that Hobbs was a bit more obnoxious and the ramping up of the badass juxtaposition was jumping the shark with him up until The Rock started laying the smackdown all over the place be it in prison or otherwise. His admiration of Shaw for being a fallen fellow servicemen was weak though. Again this man murdered Han, targeted you MORE than once and nearly killed you and a member of your team. It was as convincing as Batman being Superman’s best pal after a cup of coffee over in BATMAN VEXES SUPERMAN even though he was out for his blood well before that.

Speaking of that team member man they played the shit out of Elena in this. Listen the fact that she respected Dom and Letty’s marriage enough to not curveball them with such news was respectable. Also was a realistic approach to how baby mamas view the marriages of their baby daddy’s in the cases of cats like Dom. I was impressed when I saw they weren’t gonna try to BIG LOVE the shit but still keep both the important women in Dom’s life outside his sister in good standing and as viable characters. Even if you wanted to write her out for good there were other ways. Instead they unnecessarily kill her. Because….we need fake pathos…and an easy way to make it that only Dom and Letty have a say in that kids life. Because you know they talked about parenthood earlier in the movie so lol and full circle and all that jazz. Just awful.

I also didn’t like the recton with Furiosa McScrewface being the architect behind both parts FURIOUSes cause when you watch both again it doesn’t really add up. On top of that reuniting Charlize with her ITALIAN JOB director but not having her behind the wheel of a car at any point was tragic shit. It should be a rule that if Theron is in a flick with extensive car stunts she gets to do a little stuntin. Also don’t remember where Toretto became Cuban. Thought he was Italian in the first. But that is just petty nitpicking.

The hits however were fucking magic.

I DID NOT expect to see Helen Mirren as Mama Shaw in this at all. Furthermore I thought whenever she did pop up in that role she would be a villainess. The approach they took was surprising but also really worked so I’m kinda glad they did that. She was a real highlight. Still hope Patrick Stewart is Papa Shaw in the future because this series could use as many actors from EXCALIBUR as it can get.

There were also two moments that filled me with pure unapologetic glee and it’s why F8 was A-OK in my book.

Moment 1 was the fact that they started it with a pink slip race. My god it feels like we hadn’t seen one of those in forever in this franchise and it was one of the reasons I was always big on Part TOKYO DRIFT. It was a great showcase and I loved the big finish with the burning car flying into the ocean to explode especially because it all LOOKED and surely was real and authentic shit.

Moment 2 was when a muthafucking Dodge Charger graciously flies and glides through a massive explosion like Stallone, Dolph or Arnold regularly did in with their bodies back in the day. Like seriously dude the fact that Dom needed his American Muscle to really hurt the big bad and her nuclear sub too was symbolic as fuck and damn near put a tear in my eye. Chargers and Mustangs are as much the stars of the series as Vin himself so never fucking forget that. Point fucking taken :)

Overall this was one of the best times at the movies I have had in a long time. The fact that it followed LOGAN which was one of the most emotional times I’ve had at a flick in a long time was poignant as hell. God bless you Universal for still letting Original Film and One Race run wild with all this shit and take ya muthafuckas straight to the bank.

*Well technically the linchpin of the plot IS a Brian so not quite. Though I still wish they had called him Paul instead but I guess that would’ve lost some people.

Yeah Mr. M Roman was fucking killing me the entire movie then after the admittedly awesome lambo door fish out to see him go all Wesley Snipes on those cocksuckers man that shit redeemed the hell out of him. Actually made me realize that I forgot that that character always had that in him even going all the way back to 2 FAST. He’s just been such a buffoon these last couple of flicks a muthafucka like me forgot about Dre. It probably would’ve been the most badass moment in the movie if it weren’t for Stathams “Tribute to HARD BOIL in turbulent air”.

Broddie: Roman’s comic dumbfuckery is not my favorite part of these movies and I do think it’s been overplayed as late, so it was nice to see him bring something else to the table to prove that he deserves his seat at it.

I can see where you’re coming from with a lot of the plot and character stuff, particularly concerning the redemption of Deckard and the fridging of Elena (the one part of the movie I genuinely don’t care for) but I don’t think of the F&Fiverse as the real world. It doesn’t play by the same rules. In the F&Fiverse, dying isn’t a tragedy as long as Dom and the family remembers you, and if you’re still alive, no matter what you did, you can always be redeemed…as long as you can drive.

Think about it. This series has a hard time killing off villains who can drive. We never saw Tony Jaa, Gina Carano, Djimon Hounsou, Wee Ginger Fuck, or Brazilian Phil Hartman behind the wheel, so, according to F&F ethics, they are basically subhuman and can be dispatched without compunction. After all, how can Dom know what lurks in your soul if he’s never seen you drive? You probably don’t even HAVE a soul. Hobbes (originally an antagonist, remember), the Shaws, Bad Letty, Undercover Brian, even the Cuban guy Dom races at the beginning, however, they are all skilled drivers and thus have the potential to be redeemed. A passenger (or, even worse, a pedestrian) is dead on the inside anyway.

(I realize this isn’t a hard and fast rule. That fucker who temporarily bodied Letty did not get the chance to hug it out with Dom in the next movie.)

All this to say, Cipher’s survival in the next installment rests entirely on her wheel skills. If she’s a boss in the driver’s seat (and I see no reason why she wouldn’t be) then she has a chance. If she’s not, the best she can hope for is a cell next to Braga.

The sheer AUDACITY of having Dom’s entire master plan rely on the cooperation of a SUPER-KILLER who tried to blow him up in the last movie makes me love the idea. It makes absolutely no sense (why contact Deckard of all people after acquiring God’s Eye?), but I’m glad Dom did it! Statham was the best thing about the movie (“You sick bastard…”). Rock comes in second and Tyrese comes in third. I think the franchise should build around those three and ditch the rest of the dead weight.

I guess you can let Kurt Russell come back too because his extremely relaxed, giggly delivery of every line made laugh. I especially liked his super-chill “Hmmm now that’s interesting…” reaction right before a certain EXPLOSIVE moment.

Oh, one other thing I loved: In the Berlin sequence, Letty knew something was up with Dom before he went bad even though they didn’t talk and weren’t even in the same car where she could read his body language. So how did she know? Because HE WAS DRIVING WEIRD. A happy Dom doesn’t drive like that and she picked up on it instantly. That’s what true love looks like, ladies and gentlemen.

KingNewbs, Dom brought A body back from Hong Kong. A charred beyond recognition body. Now, who would fake Han’s death and keep him hidden for two movies now, that’s up to someone far more creative than me to figure out.

I think you guys are also forgetting that Deckard did Han a favor. Han, a true romantic passing himself off as a cynic, had been ready to shuffle off this mortal coil since the moment Giselle was killed. He was a man whose time on this earth had passed, who was just waiting around to be released. Deckard was more euthanizer than murderer in Han’s case. Why else do you think Han was the only one Deckard managed to kill? Because Han was the only one who let him.

I think Dom could relate to that. If he’d been wired a different way, he might have taken the same route of suicide-by-some-asshole after Letty “died.”

I do think he’d still be a bit upset about the house, though. He gave up a George Clooney villa for that shit.

I don’t think this one will be anybody’s favorite installment of the series but I enjoyed it as much as the others. It was fun despite it’s flaws.

Vern, watching the movie I was thinking the same thing about how much the series feels like G.I.JOE with sports cars. The team has transformed from street racers, to OCEANS 11 with cars, and now they are an elite milarty unit solving the world’s problems with heavy duty artillery (and cars of course).

I also agree that at this point The Rock is straight up playing The Rock in these films.

Statham was the stand out of this one and (SPOILERS) the HARD BOILD on a plane bit was my favorite part.

With F8 I think this series has creatively plateaued, but the decline in quality is gradual enough that I’m on board until at least FAST X FURIOUS or whatever they decide to call the 10th installment.

After she iced Elena I bet Cipher made Rhodes get up in the middle of the night to bottle feed that baby and change his nappy. What a jerk. Incidentally, Dom naming the baby Brian is a weird gesture that only makes sense in the context of the actor’s death. Brian and Mia are still kicking it out there somewhere in the Fast and the Furiverse. Dom was probably going to name the baby Han originally, but thought it would make things awkward with Shaw.

Also, please no more Little Nobody. He sucks. He sucks so much they had every member of the family take turns telling us he sucks.

Whilst I enjoyed FAST & THE FURIOSA, I do hope they scale down a little for parts 9 and 10. If not, pt. 8 could be seen as the one where they jumped the sub. Not good.

But there was fun to be had – The Stath and The Rock were easily this installment’s MVPs but everyone seems like they’re having fun. It’s kinda nice that they all clearly (for the most part, candy asses) get along. It shows and it’s sweet.

I really would not be at all surprised if Han comes back. I’m guessing (pt. 9) Dom somehow managed to get to him whilst he was still alive and encased him in carbonite, and then (pt 10) he’s killed by L’il Bow Wow, who turns out to be his son who’s now evil.

Also, I’d like to reassure our American friends that no-one has spoken like Dame Helen Mirren does in this since 1958 (and, in The Stath’s case, ever).

I watched this and DISNEY’S BEAUTY: THE BEAST AWAKENS on consecutive days over the long weekend, and for my money/membership card/vouchers I doubt I’ve seen two films with such little reason to exist (beside the obvious) in such quick succession…but, before I lose you guys completely, this was by far the better of the two in all ways but Luke-Evansness.

Indeed, after a fairly pitiful first 15 minutes or so, this is a pretty painless and mildly enjoyable waste of time, but certainly not great, nor did it convince me the series really needs to go on post-Walker. There are a couple of conceptually cool action scenes, the Zombie Car sequence primarily, but I feel Mr. Gray’s skills in realising them are below par for the series.

I thought this movie was about on par with F&F 7, and I’m not sure exactly why critics decided to turn on the series now. The only thing that really bothered me was killing of Elena, which was such a complete and total cop out. It was also a missed opportunity. Families today don’t always conform to the basic nuclear family ideal, so it would be nice if the Fast and the Furious movies reflected that by keeping Elena around as a part of Letty and Dom’s life. Also, when it was time to go on missions, you could keep the baby out of it by saying he’s staying with Elena.

I always suspected they would find a way to add Deckard to the team (I predicted it in the FURIOUS 7 thread), but the way they did it was pretty disappointing. It wasn’t so bad that it ruined the movie for me but it felt like they could have done it in a way that better addressed his killing of Han and added to the ongoing lore of these films. However, with that being said I don’t think Deckard joining the team is out of place with the tone of the franchise and I am glad it happened.

The F&F franchise has always been about criminals, but what defines the criminals as good or bad is there code. Dom and team might break the law and do insane amounts of property damage all while endangering innocent lives, but they don’t break the rules of their family and they have survived because of that code. Deckard is the villain in part 7 because of his execution of Han and agression toward the family, but even that act of vengeance fits within Dom’s idea of family and his code. Deckard is just looking out for his brother, and responding in a way that Dom would if he were in a similar situation. Also, in the start of 7 when Deckard visits his brother in the hospital if you look closely it is only the milatry guarding his brother he has taken out. There is hospital staff running around in the background of various shots and you don’t see any bodies of dead staff so he is not executing innocent hospital staff he is only neutralizing the threats preventing him from seeing his brother and getting revenge. I would argue Deckard’s actions in this scene and his endangering of innocent lives is no more reckless than what the family did in part 5 when the caused Chaos and destruction in the streets of Brazil. Based on the logic of the franchise Deckard is not a villain he has the same code as Dom and the family. He might have commited transgressions against the family and killed Han, but (SPOILERS) as we learn in F8 these actions were the result of manipulation by Cypher who was acting as a puppet master from the shadows guiding people and events in 6 & 7 without the knowledge of those involved. She is the one without a code and the true villain who put events in action pushing Deckard toward a confrontation with Dom and the family and in turn she is to blame for Han’s death.

I don’t think I mentioned that it kinda made me laugh that SPOILER the baby has to be named after the character of the actor who died in real life rather than Han, who seems like the logical choice for a memorial name within the world of the movie.

Fred – I mean I can’t verify the father-of-Brian thing but it was reported at the time and I believe it because 1. FAST FIVE has a scene that pointedly sets up Brian not knowing who his father is and 2. Mr. Nobody abruptly disappears from FURIOUS 7 in a way that I believe suggests his part of the story was changed during the reshoots. I suspect he was supposed to betray them and reveal his identity at the end.

On another note, Vin needs to stop wearing sleeveless shirts when he is in a movie where the the Rock is also sleeveless most of the time. He has to be aware that inviting comparison between him and the rock’s physiques is not going in his favor at this point. I wonder if that is where the rumored tension on set between the two stems from, they are fighting over who gets the gimick where they are are alergic to sleeves. If they ever made a Hobbs & Dom spin off they should call it F&F: THE ARMS RACE.

(SPOILERS)………………………………………….(Seriously SPOILERS)…………………….I think it makes sense that Dom named the baby Brian. Brian is like his brother and his closest friend in the franchise. Han was part of the family but he is not as close to Dom as Brian, and if he were thinking of naming the baby Han wouldn’t he at least have to consider naming him Vince. Vince seemed closer to Dom and already named his son after him.

Vern: I don’t think Brian is saying that he LITERALLY doesn’t know who his father is in that FAST FIVE scene. Just that his father was never around when he was a kid so he’s basically a stranger to him. It would take some retconning to have Brian not recognize his own father if he met him face to face.

Broddie, it might seem crazy but the more I think about it you might be onto something. Not only is there a number of fast and furious babies at this point but one is named Dom and one is named (SPOILERS) Brian. That means in twenty years we will have a F&F the next generation with the adventures on a new Dom & Brian!

Broddie: Thanks for mentioning how real it seemed and was. I’ve read a few things for this one already saying to save your money for BABY DRIVER “…which was done all practically unlike those shitty lamestream FAST & FURIOUS movies which are NOTHING BUT CGI!!”

Certainly there’ll be spin offs: TORETTO is a given, surely – and if The Rock wants to do HOBBS, I’m sure they’ll let him (with special guest stars: The Stath and Terry Crews as Hobbs’ new, no-nonsense partner, Calvin).

I am 100% okay with The Rock getting his own spinoff with Statham. He can rejoin the DSS(which in the world of the F&F series, is a rather nebulous organization where he seemingly has authority to go almost anywhere, do almost anything, call in whatever help he needs no matter their legal status, offer any pardons, weapons, or cars needed, and report to almost nobody), and be sent on a mission that doesn’t involve massive car chasing and vehicular mayhem, but MAY require some backup. So rather than call in Dom and crew, he just calls up Statham(and Evans, if you like) so they can do Rock and Statham things.

Yeah I am guessing that 10 will be tha last F&F film, but we will get some sort of spin off after that. I am betting they will makes a Hobbs film or a Hobbs & Deckard film. Either way I am in. I Love F&F 5-8 but Dom is my least favorite character, and his romance with Letti is hard to watch (they have zero chemistry). With Brian, Han, and Gisselle gone the family aspect of these films feels forced at this point. I am ready for Dom and family to ride off into the sun set and the focus shifting to Hobbs and/or Deckard, also long as the tone and over the top action don’t change.

I haven’t read all the comments, but I guess I’m in a tiny minority by not liking this very much.

I still prefer the first three movies in the franchise: relatively relatable characters in silly cars getting involved in somewhat over-their head problems with gangsters. Number 4 as well, to an extent, though that was a bit joyless. But then they turn into invincible superheroes, saving the world in plots that – to me – are as convoluted and incomprehensible as a Steven Seagal Romanian vehicle, but with a 300 million dollar budget rather than $39.99.

This movie seemed to me to be particularly mean spirited. Our heroes are now casual murderers. I can’t say I really understood who they were stealing the EMP from at the beginning, but how many security guards (or whoever) did Tej happily crush with his giant wrecking ball? And how many prison guards/prisoners must have died in Mr Nobody’s engineered prison riot? And bringing Elena back just to be killed off to provide Dom with a kid? Not nice, IMO. And of course the Shaw brothers portrayed as loveable Cockney scoundrels, rather than the callous mass murderers they were in the previous movies. (Oh no, wait, Owen Shaw was … uh … “corrupted” by Cipher, and Deckard just loves his brother … well, okay then, give them a pass.)

I didn’t detect much, if any, character development; just a series of big action set-pieces interspersed with shots of Dom or Letty looking glum. Little Nothing’s big character change halfway through the movie? That was just cringe-inducingly awkward and unconvincing. Get that guy out of there.

There were just too many cameos for my taste … (Dame) Helen Mirron trying again to do a tough London accent, Leo and Santos from F5, a photo of Djimon Hounsou’s mercenary character from F6 flashed up for no good reason, etc. Just a symptom of what to me was a confusingly messy plot.

F6 is one of my favorite action movies of recent years, Five was excellent, and I’m glad there are people here who appreciate the greatness of Tokyo Drift. I was disappointed with F7, though, and after seeing F8, I’m guessing I won’t like another one of these movies. Everything feels too cute and calculated and not as badass or heartfelt as it used to.

The Deckard/Han thing really bugged me. Yeah, they’ll probably address it more later, but there’s a moment when everyone looks saddened by the news that something bad might’ve happened to Deckard, which won’t ever make sense to me regardless of what they do down the line. Elena’s treatment is similarly bad and lazy; it felt odd not to have some kind of reaction from The Rock shown. I’ve also missed the Roman from 2F2F, the one who ate other people’s lunch and tried to steal one of Cole Hauser’s expensive cigars.

I think a Wong Kar-wai spinoff about Han and Gisele’s international adventures would be genuinely amazing.

I really wish I liked this more, considering how much I loved Five, Six and Seven. The Han thing is definitely the biggest sticking point. But there are others too —

It turns out I missed Paul Walker more than I thought I would, and Scott Eastwood is not and will never be an adequate replacement. Looking back I think maybe his brand of goofy aw-shucks kind of earnestness was a necessary counterbalance to Vin Diesel’s (and now Dwayne Johnson’s) egomania. I never felt like the previous movies were made for him (them) to jerk off to, but I felt that way this time. And while I liked Seven, one of the things I didn’t like was how the crew sold out and went from being Robin Hoods to working for Big Brother to prop up the ultimate surveillance state, and I like it even less the second time around. Fuck Mr. Nobody, I don’t care how cool the actor who plays him is. And fuck his lackey, too. I don’t like that they’re part of the family now, any more than I like the fact that nobody cares about Han anymore.

The Han thing is probably gonna be retconned, though, as some of the above comments have predicted. Jen Yamamoto interviewed a lot of the people involved about that very thing. (Michelle Rodriguez has the realest answer.)

Numpty, Dom an crew have been casual murders since part 5, even if they didn’t kill civilians dragging a safe through the streets of RIO, they had to have killed number of the officers (who I am sure we’re not all curupt and we’re just trying to do their jobs) in those police cars they crushed. They are just using guns as well now and are not limiting themselves to vehicular homicide.

Oh wow, Statham and Chris Morgan both imply in that article that Han’s death will somehow be recontextualized in future installments. Morgan definitely tries not to imply that Han will turn out to be alive, though.

The Han thing really took me out of it. Everything else, including the continually decaying laws of physics, was internally consistent, but Doms willingness to write his murder off doesn’t fit with the emphasis on family that the series has always had.

Also, was no one else confused that the Rock took time to strip down to a muscle shirt in the middle of the base assault, and then find time to go back and get his jacket before stopping to chat with Letty?

Darth: Nope, not at all. They never said one single word like “Han” or “Tokyo” or even anything about why they hate Deckard. They just went straight into, “No way. I won’t work with him,” or threats about beating/killing/maiming him.

Honestly, I thought I would be bothered by the whole Han thing way more than I really was. I almost passed on seeing it because of it, only to have it not really bother me much. It’s not like they welcomed Deckard into the family. He wasn’t sitting around the table with them at the end. I’ll withhold judgment on how things unfold. Honestly, there’s too much in the world to be angry at right now to spare the energy.

If “re-contextualizing” doesn’t mean bringing him back to life, it must mean that they are going to somehow retcon it so that Deckard didn’t actually kill Han (which would actually make it the second time his death would be retconned). Or, maybe even more likely, they were just saying that stuff for the sake of saying something, and Han will never be mentioned again.

F8 was pretty Gr8. I would like to aska a question. Did Deckard really murder all people in the hospital at the beginning of Six? I seem to recall it was just the security forces and not the medical staff? I know I am grasping straws here, but maybe there could be a case of making him more human. That Deckard is now part of “The Family” is just so absurd and completely non-sensical. But I like it so much so I have no problem retconning the shit of it.

I don´t know what else to add except my favourite moment …….

*SPOILER*

The aforementioned HARDBOILED segment in which Statham is babysitting/murdering an entire flight crew of mercenaries. There is a brilliant shot of the baby in the foreground in focus listening to his chirpy music whilst Statham in the background out of focus beats the shit out of a guy.

After F8 I went back and watched the opening of FURIOUS 7 and I counted 21 dead special forces guys and no civilian casualties. On his way out Deckard hands the sole survivor a hand grenade and pushes him behind the front desk where a couple of hospital staff members are cowering. It’s not clear if they are killed but you can easily make the argument that they run away off-screen before he explodes.

As far as Hans´death goes, he is not really dead. At the end of FURIOUS SIX, between the time Deckard calls Dom and the time the explosion happened, one of Deckards henchmen got Han out of the car and hid him away. The whole point of that was to fool Dom into thinking one of his was dead so he could feel what it would be like when one of your own is dead/in comatose.

Somehwere in the comments somebody raised the possibility that Dom froze Han´s body in carbonite and then somebody said something like Han Seoul. I can´t find it again, but Jesus that is the funniest shit in a long time!

Shoot, not only do we not see Deckard kill civilians at the start of 7, but when he shows up at the party later in the film he fires his gun in the air to scare of the civilians before opening fire on Dom and crew.

This movie was fun, but kinda generic. The opening race is great, as is the zombie car chase and the harpooning sequence… but it had about a third the action of 7 *and* less plot. I think the problem is F Gary Gray. All the non-action scenes are shot in an extremely blasé fashion. They’re just… there. And Theron’s character is super bland. She only kinda works because Theron is such a presence. But if you only look at the dialogue and actions

This movie was fun, but kinda generic. The opening race is great, as is the zombie car chase and the harpooning sequence… but it had about a third the action of 7 *and* less plot. I think the problem is F Gary Gray. All the non-action scenes are shot in an extremely blasé fashion. They’re just… there. And Theron’s character is super bland. She only kinda works because Theron is such a presence. But if you only look at the dialogue and actions she’s totally flat. Donno how excited I’ll be for Episode IX if she returns as the villain.

Of all the most FF moment I ahve to pick the one where Dom is faced with the fireballs of the suibmarines exploding and his pals shields him from the flames using their cars! How fucking awesome is not that?

After 10 years of post-high school education, I have graduated veterinary school and secured employment as a doctor. How do I celebrate? By watching the latest F&F movie, of course!

Two sentence review: pretty good.

Multiple sentence review: I can’t believe it but I enjoyed the banter and character moments more than the action. Although I was chuckling heartily when lots and lots of cars started flying out of the parking garages. It was missing a good old fashioned slobberknocker fight like the the last few movies. Agree that the choice to turn Statham ally is ridiculous but I fully support it for the sake of action cinema (and I think a The Transporter reference/joke was sadly missed). With Atomic Blonde on the horizon, I think a spin-off focusing on Cipher, Deckard, and Dobbs would be extremely well-timed. Please film the action better than the action in F8, though, hypothetical director of this hypothetical movie.

Interesting that this F8 film and the latest xXx had some of their best scenes set in a crashing plane as part of their climaxes.

ktulu first off congratulations! Secondly I actually appreciated that they Statham transporting a package and whupping ass at one point in the movie. So there is definitely an homage to that there if you really look.

Thanks, guys! Means a lot to me to receive congrats from the man himself. You can bet that many an action movie (and Vern review) have gotten me through some of the tougher times in the last several years. The portrayal of veterinarians in action cinema is an interesting one (and obviously far different from reality). But it would be my honor to play the role of the person who gets the badass hero back on his feet so he can take his sweet revenge.

Broddie – good point about Statham’s role, as that is actually a far more subtle and clever homage. I was expecting something more along the lines of him picking an Audi as his car of choice (or NOT picking one and saying something to the effect of “that’s not my style anymore”). I always appreciate a direct reference that makes me roll my eyes (What do I look like to you, some kind of “transporter”?). As much as I enjoyed Statham’s scene, I wish it had been cut a little smoother.

You know, I never thought of that, but veterinarians play a very important role in action cinema. They are generally depicted as capable (I’ve never seen a movie where the patient bleeds out on the vet’s table) and humble (“I’m not trained for this!”) and trustworthy (I don’t think I’ve ever seen one sell out the hero). That’s a proud tradition you’re entering into, ktulu.

Just make sure you always have a bottle of whiskey handy to pour into the bottom of the metal pan you clink the bullet into. Just in case you want to, I don’t know, reinsert it or something, you want to make sure it’s sterile.

Was the guy performing the surgery on Porter in PAYBACK a veternarian? I don´t recall. Or was that in the novel? I don´t remember that either. Nonetheless it is a noble profession and I wish you all the luck. khutulu

Wow, thanks for the support you guys! Glad to be reassured that I’ll have a good reputation in the badass canon of life. The veterinarian on BETTER CALL SAUL is a little shady but so far he’s been good to Mike.

Majestyk – J&B would be my choice, too!

Shoot – I was wondering about PAYBACK as well, but a brief internet search did not confirm my suspicions.

Any suggestions on a better username, maybe more fitting of a doctor in an action movie? ktulu117 is kind of my default username for things, and it’s out of date and really only makes sense to people who listen to (old) Metallica.

My wife is a vet tech and I can confirm that Vets know a lot about human medicine enough to be able to perform pull out a slug and sticking it in a metal dish. Also, vets have to deal with death on a daily basis a lot more than human doctors, I bet, which makes them able to deal with all sorts of trumatic stuff so that’s why they go to Vets.

ktulu, the only movie vets I can think of besides Dr Dolittle, are the poor bastard in THE GETAWAY who has to treat Michael Madsen then watch while his slut wife Jennifer Tilly fucks him, and, I guess you could call him a vet of sorts, but Dr Moreau comes to mind. I’m sure you guys could suggest some more…

Nothing snarky about it. Even makes a not-entirely-negative reference to Seagal! (In that they think he “wasn’t really trying anymore” in EXIT WOUNDS, which at least implies they acknowledge he did try at his peak)

Really? I’ve never bothered to read that series. There’s almost nothing I’ve found less useful in this life than the AV Club’s opinion on action cinema.

Except perhaps the AV Club’s opinion on hip-hop. At least they occasionally get an easy layup like a JOHN WICK or a FURY ROAD right, but they haven’t loved one hip-hop album I haven’t hated nor bothered to review one hip-hop album I loved. I’d get a better opinion from my grandmother, and she once asked me if a David Bowie song was “that rap stuff.”

In case anyone still cares, here’s the comparison of the extended cut and the theatrical –

Comparison: Theatrical Version - Extended Director's Cut

Some of those changes sound not-bad; at least The Rock re-using the war chant again from the soccer match would have given more purpose to that endless scene from the beginning. Anyways, yeah I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this one for a few days and I guess my final verdict is I guess I liked it but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to some franchise fatigue.

I’ve always felt each entry stood on its own as a heightened take on another property, be it Point Break or Miami Vice or Karate Kid II or Ocean’s 11. Part 7 (which I admit I liked more than most people) was the first one to delightfully nuke the fridge and bring the series into Roger Moore-era James Bond territory. The sight of Dom and Letty, (whom we first met boosting DVD players in the barrio) globe-hopping and doing battle in evening formal wear – it was hilarious and charming and kind of sweet. But unfortunately Part 8 is the first entry that literally feels like “more of the same” – it’s just a clone of Part 7, but minus the “oh are we really doing this?” freshness and obviously the emotional fireworks that came with Paul Walker’s departure. The action is fine, Rodriguez is always a watchable presence. Theron is excellent and kinda underrated (if you already know she never gets physical or drives a car, it doesn’t really disappoint as much). I really love the new “folk hero” Dom and the entire opening sequence. Diesel is really giving it his all here, and his earnest performance is surprisingly the highlight of the movie for me.

But that’s pretty much where my list of likes ends – this movie has so many problems I’m kinda surprised I still enjoyed it: Scott Eastwood is terrible – a nothing performance for a nothing character and I don’t understand why he’s on the “team” except I guess you need a white guy (as everyone else says, you already had a charming and likable white guy with Lucas Black!). Ramsey needs to go too – magic hacking is the most tired screenwriting device today and I’m actively dreading Parts 9 and 10 introducing new obstacles for her to overcome by sitting at a computer and typing really fast while spouting some jargon. It’s just lazy and it’s weird the movie even explicitly points out her character and Ludacris’ serve the exact same purpose and make each other redundant. Cipher’s plan is dumb – the movie makes the same mistake as Star Trek Beyond where the villain is searching for an ultimate weapon while already owning an easily more powerful weapon (seriously, who gives a shit about a nuke when she can already make a World War Z-style swarm with zombie cars?) I also like how the only thing she needed the EMP for is to disable a base that seemed identical to an earlier base Dom and his buddies destroyed earlier in the movie without an EMP.

Hated how Cipher was retconned to be the Author of All of Dom’s Pain going back 3 or 4 episodes. Everybody hated that twist in Spectre, I don’t know why they ripped it off here. Can’t believe I’m saying this but I hate the new Hobbes. He’s now just The Rock’s wrestling persona with The Terminator’s fight scenes. Rewatch his serious, Tommy Lee Jones-esque turn in Fast Five and tell me that’s not infinitely more interesting. (Yeah I know he was this over-the-top in 7 too, but he was also in it for only 10 minutes)

And of course, the aforementioned #JusticeforHan twist. When you have a series held together by characters and the bond between them, it seems so tone deaf to callously disregard Han’s death and literally embrace his killer while never shutting the fuck about about FAMILY. The series is so weird that it expects you to remember who Vince was in part 1 when he shows up 10 years later in Fast Five. It expects you to cheer when Leo and Santos show up here for the first time in 3 movies. But then it wants you to forget that Statham killed their friend and blew up their house (Brian and Mia’s baby could have been inside!) ONE MOVIE AGO, and wants you to cheer when Luke Evans shows up after having crushed dozens of innocent people to death in a tank, it makes no sense.

The only reason I’m not that bothered by all of this is I’m sure Han’s not dead, just as I’m sure Elena’s not dead, just as I’m sure Cipher will join the FAMILY by the end of Part 10. That’s the danger of establishing these ridiculous Soap Opera/Pro-Wrestling rules is that nothing really sticks, so why should it matter/why should I care? Michelle Rodriguez just made headlines again for saying a few days ago that this series needs to “evolve or die”. I’m sure some would say she’s being ungrateful/biting the hand that feeds her, but I couldn’t agree more.

Was expecting some chatter on here about all the recent Furious drama. While I’m a little sad the family seems to be falling apart a bit, I can’t say I’m not stoked it’s looking like the next thing we’re getting is the thing I wanted most out of this franchise: that HobbShaw spin-off. The fact that Shane Black is one of the names being thrown around to direct… well… if that happens it’s worth a little drama imo.

If they let Black at the script (and why wouldn’t they?) that would be the best thing that ever happened to me. I can’t even allow myself to dream of such a thing. The fall back to earth would be too painful if it didn’t happen.

I like how Tyrese misspelled THE NAME OF THE CHARACTER HE’S BEEN PLAYING IN FIVE MOVIES. I don’t really feel strongly enough to say “good riddance” or anything, but I’ve never understood the Roman love. The only movie he’s actually been funny in is 2 Fast 2 Furious – ever since he came back in Part 5, he’s just there. He’s not annoying like Jar Jar Binks or divisive like fucking Stifler or whatever, he’s just kinda there because he has to be there. Like, I understand he’s SUPPOSED to be one of the five or six comic relief characters. He’s certainly saying things that are supposed to be funny and they pause after he says something to give the audience time to laugh, etc.. but I don’t think I’ve ever actually laughed at or been emotionally involved in anything Roman’s done. And yes, I know the cast is huge so it’s hard to make an impression or whatever, but Gal Gadot and Sung Kang actually managed to build memorable, likable characters in 3-4 movies, Tyrese and the writers have no excuse.

And not to get on another rant about long-form storytelling, but how terrible would that be if F8 was the final Furious movie? I mean it doesn’t leave you on a huge cliffhanger or anything but considering there’s multiple feuds going on with the cast members and Rodriguez is clearly unhappy with the franchise, not to mention F8 grossed in the bottom half of the series after inflation(!), I actually wouldn’t be surprised if the planned Furious 9/10 movies with the “Family” never happen and we just end up with multiple spinoffs and yet another next-generation reboot with Vin in a supporting role, etc…(I’ll actually be shocked if Theron returns to be honest)

If this petty sniping manages to kill the franchise, I can’t wait for the inevitable muckraking documentary subtitled HOW TO FUCK UP A GOOD THING. Everybody involved should know that they’re stronger together than they are separately (even The Rock, whose big solo hit still hasn’t happened) but apparently none of them have actually watched any of their own movies, which prove this point time and again.

I think everybody else is smart enough to smooth this shit over to keep the money machine running, but Tyrese has shown himself to be a total fucking idiot in the past. I enjoy his modest contributions to the series (and his snowmobile takedown in F8 was the badass highlight of that particular installment) but he’s easily the least essential cast member. If he’s determined to screw himself over, I’m not gonna cry over it, but I hope he doesn’t take anyone else down with him.

I just hope they let him be a proper character and take it somewhere fun. You never know, they might just put him in the same room for the whole film, sitting at a desk, yelling into a phone. “Find them! Then what do I pay you for?!” followed by “Phase one is complete. Launch the satellite!” Then at the very end it turns out Statham had a bomb planted under his desk the whole time, blows him up, never even shares any screentime with him.

So I watched this one for maybe the fifth or sixth time last night, and it is a personal favorite in the series. The action sequences are just balls-out bananas, and I love how utterly committed and consistent it is in explicating its dunderheaded but sincere themes. The controversy about Shaw being forgiven for murdering Han, to me, misses the whole point of this series, which has been about enemies becoming friends from its very first frames. Shit, not only does the opening race reiterate this theme in microcosm, its very setting (Cuba, then seemingly headed toward friendlier relations with its capitalist running dog enemy the U.S.) illustrates it as well. Has there ever been an action franchise whose primary instinct is toward forgiveness? I’m starting to feel bad every time the crew has to off somebody, because I feel like all they’re doing is eliminating a future ally.

On that note, I started feeling weird about all the faceless henchmen who got offed at the end. We’re told they’re Russian separatists, and I guess we’re supposed to assume that means they’re bad, but shouldn’t we be on the side of anyone trying to break off from Russia? Are we sure our heroes were on the right side of this conflict? Is this a RAMBO III situation?

Oh well. If it turns out the separatists were good all along, I’m sure Dom will become fight brothers with them in the next installment. “Sorry my wife threw your pal into a submarine propellor. How about you and the rest of the militia swing by tomorrow night for a cookout? Sixish work for you?”

What I really want to talk about, though, is the timeline of this series. I’m not talking about the temporal cul-de-sac created by the killing of Han, resulting in 4, 5, and 6 taking place chronologically before the third film. We’ve talked that death. Old hat. Let’s move on. I’m talking about how we can use the timeline of Elena’s pregnancy and the age of the subsequent baby to determine the length of time between sequels. Examining this timeline brings up some interesting conundrums.

So Dom has to knock her up sometime either before or right at the beginning of 6, right? So that means she was pregnant but not yet showing when she gets blown out that window at the beginning of 7. (Which means Shaw was just karmically breaking even when he saves the baby in PART FATE, considering he’d already attempted to murder it in the womb.) In fact, she says in FATE that she meant to tell Dom as soon as she found out, but she couldn’t because she got kidnapped by Cipher. (So nobody noticed she was missing for several months to a year? Kind of fishy but I suppose she was transferring to a new unit at the beginning of 7 so maybe she hadn’t made any close friends there yet and thus nobody bothered to let her old crew know that she’d stopped coming to work.)

Anyway. So Part 7 couldn’t have taken place more than a few months after Part 6 and in fact is more likely within a month or two, since Elena apparently hadn’t noticed that she’d missed a period or two and was making major career changes, something a woman who just found out she was pregnant likely wouldn’t do.

“But wait!” you say. “That can’t be true. Mia gave birth at the beginning of Part 6, but Baby Jack was preschool age by Part 7! Was Elena unknowingly pregnant for three years before she started showing? Or perhaps the grenade attack jarred loose one rogue Toretto sperm that had been hiding out in her fallopian tubes that entire time?”

I have no idea, hypothetical Outlaw Vern commentator, but those are excellent suggestions. I’m gonna go with that last one.

So anyway. When we finally meet Elena’s long-gestating baby, it is perhaps four or five months old, by my reckoning. Maybe six or seven. Given the peculiarities of their birth cycle, we have no way of knowing how fast Torettos age. Perhaps they are nitrous-charged and age super fast, which would explain Jack’s Natasha-Henstridge-in-SPECIES-esque growth rate. Or perhaps they age a quarter-mile at a time, which would explain how Elena managed to stay pregnant for three years without noticing. It really could go either way.

For the purpose of this discussion, though, let’s assume Jack is a mutant and Elena’s pregnancy happened within the standard timeframe and that Baby Brian ages at the normal rate for a human infant. That means that the events of Parts 6, 7, and 8 all happened within a year and a half of each other, maximum. That is a VERY busy span of time.

“But wait!” you say again, which is getting kind of fucking irritating to be honest. “Don’t forget that TOKYO DRIFT takes place concurrent with the events of PART 7!”

Oh, I haven’t forgotten, precocious Outlaw Vern commentator who really ought to find better ways to get attention. I was getting there. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, the very title of that film indicates that it is jettisoning the human conception of time as a straight line (as illustrated by the Point A-to-Point B racing style of previous installments) and utilizing a conception of timespace as a curve that eventually loops around on itself. Is that what has created the temporal discrepancies indicated by the incongruous growth rates of Babies Jack and Brian? Did the timeline loop back on itself at some point, but without an obvious paradox such as the continued existence of Han on display, nobody noticed? Is this time loop stable, repeating itself at regular three-film intervals, or are we perhaps dealing with a spiraling effect, which will continue in ever-tightening arcs until the 14th and 15th films are happening both concurrently with each other and with the cookout scene from the first movie?

These questions would require a more in-depth understanding of quantum physics, relativity, and perhaps even string theory than I am capable of, so I’d like to bring this discussion home with one last question: What year does the F&F franchise think it’s happening in? Because clearly its timeline has long since branched off from ours. There will be years between installments in the real world but only weeks in the world of the movies, or they’ll stay trapped for years in a pocket universe that is perpetually early 2006, just before the timeline reunification, and never seems to advance, even though the characters age and/or beef up at standard human rates.

So when are we supposed to be? Is this like the FRIDAY THE 13TH series, in which so much more time passes in-universe than in the real world, indicating an alternate reality in which the 1980s lasted for 30 years? Are our heroes stuck in a never-ending ’00s? The advancing technology of the films does not seem to bear that out, however. In fact, PART FATE, with its unlikely preponderance of self-driving cars, seems to be taking place in the near future, even though we know it can’t be happening more than a year or so away from the end of TOKYO DRIFT, though I suppose there’s no reason to assume that film was set in the present day of when it was shot. All the embarrassing mid-oughts hip-hop and fashion might be retro for all we know.

I’m sure these questions have answers. I am just too bound by the limits of human perception to perceive the true nature of the F&F cosmos, unlike the heroes of the films, who have learned to bend the laws of not just space but time with such regularity and ease that they scarcely seem to notice it.

That’s always a danger when I talk about the FAST & FURIOUS franchise. Just last week, I gave a nice old lady the vapors by pondering just how in the fuck Dom got that Impala to Cuba. She is not expected to recover.

Do we count SPY KIDS as action franchise? Because every villain in that one gets redeemed and shows up as a friend in the next movie. (Except Robert Patrick and Teri Hatcher. They were never seen again.)

Excellent point, Vern. I’m assuming that scene is the exact moment, the event horizon, of the timeline reunification. Sean Boswell stepped through a portal in that parking garage and changed from a teenage boy to a 30-year-old man in the blink of an eye. Judging by his demeanor in that scene, I don’t think he’s aware of what’s happened to him yet. I can only imagine the shock and horror he’ll feel when he goes home and looks in the mirror. Where has my youth gone? Who stole my twenties from me? When he finds out that he’s an innocent casualty of a war fought by a group of time-displacing automotive wizards, a war he never volunteered for, I think he’ll want his revenge. I think we have our next villain.

DOM: I’m sorry, Sean. We didn’t know what we were doing to you. When you live your life a quarter-mile at a time, you can’t always see the road ahead.

SEAN: I’m not interested in the road ahead. I’m sticking this baby in reverse.

DOM: That’s impossible, Sean. You have to move on. It’s the only way.

SEAN: [evil laugh] That’s something you drag racers will never understand. You think life is a straight line. We drifters know that everything eventually comes around again. Behold, my greatest invention: TEMPORAL NOS!

DOM: That’s insane!

SEAN: Insane is stealing a decade of my life to create a pocket universe around a guy whose name is a Star Wars pun. We’re going back, Dom. We’re going back to put things right.

DOM: But how?

SEAN: We have to kill Han before he gets to Tokyo, the epicenter of the time ripple. Now get in the Hulk car.

Franchise leads Vin Diesel, Jason Statham and Dwayne Johnson wrestle for more ‘muscle’ time, counting up kicks, jabs and slams so none looks wimpier than the other. Fight choreographers get creative to protect tender egos

This is nothing new, it had already been reported that both Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson had dictated that they were not allowed to lose fights… but still, this is pretty disappointing stuff. Kind of pathetic, really. The vanity of these guys is working against how good and entertaining their movies are.

I actually think this makes a certain amount of sense for this franchise in particular. Coincidentally, this is kind of a minor plot point in ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD too (no real spoilers)- at the beginning of the movie, the main character used to be a lead actor type and now is only getting cast in guest starring roles as the guy who gets beat up to prove the main character is tough. It’s pointed out to him that doing that enough times makes the audience start to see you as a guy who doesn’t win fights and it becomes a self-perpetuating cycle. It makes sense to me that each of the guys in these movies, who *also* depend on their tough-guy bonafides in their own movies outside the F&F series, would be wary of that.

Of course, it does have the knock-on effect of turning the movies into ridiculous cartoon superhero adventures, so there’s that.

I can see where if an actor is prominently getting his ass whipped right and left in more films than not, yeah, he’s going to acquire that association of “guy who gets his ass whipped” — then again, who is an actual action film start who fits into that role of “guy who usually ends up losing, most anything he’s in”? It’s silly to me to think that if one of these guys ever gets beat up (hell, it can be close, there can trickery/dirty fighting, extenuating circumstances), that this is going to somehow ruin his image. Like, do people go around, like, “Yeah, Dolph Lundgren and Wesley Snipes just seems like pussies on account of getting beaten by Sly.” Come on.

Right, the logic just seems stupid and such a bald-faced macho man insecurity thing. For me, the beauty of a setup like ROCKY IV is that you know Dolph is a super-killer, and you come away from ***SPOILERS for ROCKY IV – Rocky wins at the end*** Rocky’s victory at the end with the sense that it was only his super-motivational grief/personal war thing that allows him to win. He’s not the macho man. Both he and Dolph come away looking like bad-asses, as do both Dolph and VanDamme in UNISOL 1, etc. It’s crazy talk.

Obviously, it’s not going to work for a guy like Statham or Johnson to get unceremoniously routed and out of there in a film (unless it’s a goof comedy thing deliberately playing against expectations), but, c’mon. Oh well, whatever, I guess.

I have to disagree, watched it last night and it’s a blast. I mean it’s messy, a little bloated and the comedy doesn’t always work, but overall it’s a damn good time. I’d rank its entertainment value above every F&F except parts 5, 6 and 7. Hope they make more of these and manage to get Keanu Reeves as the villain for the next one.