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and loves every second of it

We Must Build A Friendzone

The “friendzone” is like the Star Trek neutral zone: it doesn’t exist, but it’s been made up as an excuse to treat every minor interaction as if it’s with an alien species where everything can be interpreted as an attack. With the constant threat of violence. So we should use an equally imaginary level of technology to build one.

Whining about a friendzone isn’t an innocent complaint but a verbal zipfile compressing an appalling amount of misogyny. It describes a woman’s friendship as a hostile action. “She friendzoned me” is the same phrasing as being poisoned, blinded, or otherwise cursed. This status attack automatically implies the right to sex, and automatically interprets and the failure to deliver as a conscious hostile act. They view her friendship as an attack. Not even second place, which would be toxic enough, but as a booby-free booby prize, an insulting wooden spoon awarded instead of the golden cup of vagina. Females are fuck-or-fail. Which is the attitude usually implied by anyone describing them as “females”, defining them entirely in terms of sex and a worrying pseudo-scientific distance from the idea of being people.

Complaining about the friendzone isn’t just tragic, it’s toxic, so let’s build an actual friendzone to contain it. A maximum security FriendZone (FZ). As soon as someone complains about being fizzed, transporters lock on and beam them into a specially programmed holodeck. Which is everything they’ve ever wanted, but instead of making things great this incredible world of technology will be used only to spread hate and frustration. Because that’s what they’re already doing on the internet.

This simulated “friendzone” will be a vast comics convention filled with all the other idiots complaining about the same thing. But holograms will make them appear as the only attractive woman in the room. Here’s the cunning bit: technically this shouldn’t work – everyone should as an attractive woman to everyone else, so that each person feels flattered instead of threatened – but these are the same men who can look at the entire modern world and say they don’t see any sexism. They’re already capable of maintaining a fantasy gender worldview in stark contradiction to every single aspect of reality. This just reverses the polarity of their delusions for educational purposes. So each one gets to experience what #yesallwomen have to put up with every day.

Failing that, we could stick them on an island where everyone expects you to donate a pint of blood for the least act of common civility.

NOTE: The friendzone is actually a body part, the exact opposite of an erogenous zone. It’s located on the inside surface of the colon, exactly eye-height for someone whose head has been wedged up their own ass by a desperately failed attempt to suck their own dick.