Victor Farinelli: Ink Master Review (Episode 3)

By Victor Farinelli
This week’s episode is titled “80-Year-Old Virgin” or “I Have No Respect for Traditional Tattoos.”

You don’t have to be part of the skinhead retirement program to have respect for traditional tattoos. The masonic temple that is Western tattooing is built on its foundation. It is our history. I was looking forward to this challenge to see if all these photo-realism/new school scamps could pull off something that a lot of middle of the road, i.e. this glum lot, take for granted. In short, do not get a traditional tattoo from any of these wenches and scalawags. It hurt my head to watch it. The only redeeming value of this episode is that Richard Stell was a guest judge, and Oliver looks like he could give two-shits-and-a-fuck about being there. Riddle me this: Why does Dave Navarro always have duckface? It is a peculiar look…

I am not even going to get into the flash challenge. For the tattoo challenge, each contestant had to do a traditional tattoo that included an eagle and a US flag. The clients were veterans. Oh my lord, Odin! None of the contestants did a piece that was worthy of a veteran. There were elements in some of the tattoos that were okay, but the tattoos overall look like they were done by someone who lacked, I don’t know, talent? Yes talent. That’s it.

It was clear right off the bat that Clint Cummings (you remember: Angry Mohawk Guy or AMG) has no respect for traditional tattoos or those who do them. Oh, he may say he does, but he clearly does not. AMG rattled off amusing quips such as “A traditional tattoo’s still third grade” and “why do I have to dumb myself down and do this damn thing.” Oh, you slay me, Mr. Angry. Toward the end of the episode, AMG stated that if he had a sudden influx of traditional tattoos come into his shop, he would hire his grandfather to do them. So tell your enemies: Sparrow Tattoo Company in Dallas, Texas is the best shop to get a traditional tattoo in Texas. Remember, Sparrow Tattoo. Sparrow.

Okay, where was I… oh yeah: skin shit. The eagles were a hodgepodge of Darwinian experimentation: wings coming out of the asses and pointing the wrong way, necks of giraffic proportions, and feathers that looked like fur. And these were from artists who were adapting eagles from pictures they obtained from the Internets! As Mr. Stell says, “You got eyes in your head. Look at what your drawing!” I feel the best eagle was actually done by Lalo, the Columbian. However, he fucked up the U.S. flag. There were quite a few mismatched stars and stripes. Not that I am some big patriot or anything like that, but a flag is a flag. There is not much wiggle room when it comes to putting the colors in the correct order.

In the end, there was no judges’ pick in this episode for best tattoo. The bottom three were Tattoo Baby, Angry, Ron Givens, and “Big Daddy” Trey. The judges tore them all a new poop-shoot. In the end Ron’s tattooing/unintentional scarification did him in, and he was sent packing.

At the end of this episode I was thinking to myself, “what have I gotten myself into?” How many more weeks of this? Oh well, until next time…