she did nothing for years (way harsh)

This may come as a shock to you, No Award, so brace yourselves. Evita, the 1997 movie starring Madonna and Antonio Banderas, is one of Stephanie’s most favourite movies in the entire world. YES. And it was her birthday recently, so everyone had to watch it and roll around in the joy of one hundred Argentinian women giving bitch face and also everything that Antonio Banderas chooses to be.

A N Y W A Y

Antonio as Che appears in basically every scene, from the very first to the very last.

i’m here, i’m loitering, ain’t nobody going to stop me

Che is a bartender and a reporter and a waiter; he is a protestor; he is a neighbour in Eva’s shitty neighbourhood, and a neighbour in her fancy neighbourhood. He follows Eva Duarde around from the age of 15 through until the tears at her funeral when she dies at the age of 33, and at no point does he age.

And whenever she turns around, Eva is never surprised to see Che there. In the background or close up beside her, Che criticises her life and her life choices and her inevitable mortality, like a terrible man. How does Che manage this miracle?

stop mansplaining to me, antonio

Che is a time-travelling stalker, is how. IS CHE SECRETLY A TIME LORD?

Particularly given Che is ostensibly an everyman but actually Che Guevara, a man history tells us Eva never met but CLEARLY, as DOCUMENTED HERE BY ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER, a man who STALKED EVA THROUGH TIME.*

i know i’m behind these gates right now, but your guards would let me in whenever

I had no idea mid 20th Century Argentina was so amazing vis time travel and science, given they also deal with their internal juntas with bayonets, but sure. SURE. I BELIEVE YOU, CHE.

Evita is also notable for being a stealth 90s bubblegum pop crossover, with appearances by Billie Piper and Andrea Corr, which basically just confirms this theory. Billie as Companion, back in time with Time Lord Che.

And since Che was on his way to Cuba at the time of Eva’s death in 1952, time travel is definitely needed.

TIME TRAVELLING STALKERS OF HISTORY. Wait maybe this is a new No Award series. STAY TUNED.