Privilege

Recently, we were at our local toy store, which we go to all the time. Franco likes to play with the train table and there was another boy his same age. They started playing together, shouting out directions like, “move out the way, train coming.” It was super cute and I welcome these informal play experiences since Franco’s an only child.

I spent 20 minutes chatting with the boy’s mother and walked away realizing how much of a bubble I live in—a bubble of severe privilege.

Like when she asked if I rented or owned.

Or when she asked if the preschools I had toured were free or whether I would have to pay.

Or when she told me that the bath toy I was about to buy was half the price at Walmart.

On that last point, I grew up in a household that scoured for the cheapest price, where we rarely turned on the heat and only went out to eat on special occasions. I grew up with an immigrant mindset that is foreign to how I currently live my life.

As I look to buy Hamilton tickets on the Orpheum theater website.

Or plan a girls getaway to Portland.

Or a family vacation to LA and Palm Springs.

Or take a day off for International Women’s Day.

Luckily, several things still keep me grounded.

Like when my parents frown when we say we are going out to eat again.

Or when my mom sends me a bill for items that they pickup from Costco or Walmart or Trader Joe’s.

Or when I go on a shopping spree, but end up returning 90% of the stuff that I bought. It’s that inherent cheapskate in me!

It was challenging being the child of immigrants, being born American, and molded by a tiger mom. But after visiting the Philippines, I grew up with a profound appreciation for what I had.

I think one of my biggest challenges is raising a son who appreciates that 3 of his 4 grandparents are immigrants and that he lives a privileged life. How will I do that?

Make him volunteer.

Take him to the Philippines.

Make him get a job.

I have no idea. Parents: what do you do?

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03.16.17

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Even though we make descent peony here, I still do what you do when I buy myself something and end up feeling guilty for spending money on myself. So, that part I totally get. As for teaching our children the value of money, I am still working on that here and would love to hear what others have to say, as well now to be honest.

It is weird because I feel I have had to balance a lot of stuff for my kiddos. I grew up super poor and know all about food stamps, medi-cal, Section 8 and all of that stuff before they the government took the shame out of being poor. I basically raised myself and everything I have done I have done for myself. I have never had any family to speak up. It taught me a lot of lessons about reaching deep inside and going places where most don’t., figuring stuff out for yourself. I have been doing that since I was about seven.

I have taught my kids that they need to try to make their way in the world. I will help but only to a point. They need to do all the leg work and 99% of the work before I will help. My daughter learned this lesson the hard way and was pissed with me for six months but the lesson was learned. My son is learning it.

I heard George Lucas talk about his kids and how he gives them a certain amount but expected them to work and make their own way. That is the reason one of his daughters ended up at a junior college. When she complained he told her “I am George Lucas and you are not.” I tell that to my kids.

I have a lot of friends that gave, gave, spent, spent on their kids and they are some of the most ungrateful humans that you ever met. They have been advanced by their contacts and parents friends but really don’t know anything. They just think that being awake things will break their way. When stuff goes down, they can’t deal with it.

All I think all this giving and bailing kids out have led to a lot of problems such as drug and alcohol abuse. They know that they have a safety net.

I always hate to weigh in on these things because clearly I don’t have kiddos, so that’s unfair, but I do have some things to say about the privilege stuff 🙂

I grew up the product of two frugal parents from very different backgrounds–one being born and raised in Brooklyn from a large Jewish family, and the other a farm girl from Germany. Though my mom grew up in West Germany and had much more than her Eastern counterparts, she instilled a mindset to count my pennies, save everything that can be reused/repurposed, and buy only what is needed.

I value that upbringing so much in the same way I’m SURE that you do, too, as the product of parents from the Philippines. The word “privilege” always makes me cringe, personally, because I feel there is a judgmental connotation there. Sure, the lifestyle you and your hubby afford might not be the same for others (same for me!), but we are all on a different rung of the social ladder. What matters most is how we treat those around us–those higher up and those lower down on the economic scale.

Are you grateful? Are you kind? Do you give back? Are you aware? I know the answer to those questions for myself and I think (from stopping here over the years) I can speak to your heart so (wow this is rambly, I apologize)–what I mean to say is…. what we do with our privilege speaks volumes about who we are; more than what’s in the bank account or even how we were raised.

Parents often hope to provide a better life for their children. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The trick is, though, to raise kids who express appreciation rather than entitlement. I think that Charlotte’s comment hits the nail on the head when she says that it’s important to ask the questions: “Are you grateful? Are you kind? Do you give back? Are you aware?”

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Welcome to my site, derived from an advice column I wrote while getting my MBA. I live in the San Francisco Bay Area. I give helpful, opinionated advice based on my own experience and from the expertise of my extensive network. For more, click here.