I’ve been a fan of Chrissy Teigen for years. Her tweets are hilarious, she has no problem throwing down with haters on social media, she loves animals — even adopting a three-legged French bulldog — and, best of all, she’s able to stuff her face with food while maintaining a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover-worthy body.

But sorry, Chrissy — you’re no culinary visionary.

The model’s first cookbook, “Cravings” (Clarkson Potter, out now), is a mishmash of flavors, cuisines and ingredients that lack a central concept other than “s–t Chrissy Teigen likes to eat.” (You knew that already.) Also, she’s really into her husband, John Legend. (You knew that already, too.)

She writes that they love to have sex in the kitchen, and the book features an obscene number of photos of her stuffing food in her husband’s face while clad in cute pajamas, the occasional matching eye mask resting on her forehead. It’s both adorable and nauseating, and the fact that she models no fewer than four different PJ sets in the book is a bit perplexing. I half-expected some of the PJ pics to be accompanied by a catalog description and price information.

Also perplexing is the range of recipes, from skillet-charred fish tacos to a spicy Cajun sausage, peppers and cabbage meal to a couple of pasta dishes because she and John “fell for each other and got married in Lake Como, Italy.” Meanwhile, the rest of us are lucky to have our third date at Olive Garden.

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on May 29, 2015 at 8:49pm PDT

The recipes’ level of difficulty is also all over the place. One minute, Teigen is teaching us to scramble eggs and tomatoes and explaining that freshly ground pepper is always superior to the pre-ground stuff. Then, 100 pages later, we’re making crab, cream cheese and scallion wontons — because the same novice who doesn’t know how to cook eggs is now ready to purchase wonton skins and do their own deep-frying.

Most recipes are far from diet-friendly ­­— Teigen either has a miracle metabolism or is the world’s cutest liar. She does include a few light recipes, like a zucchini noodle lasagna she eats when she’s got a “scantily clad” photo shoot coming up.

The ingredients also run the gamut. Some recipes call for hon-shimeji mushrooms and Manila clams; others rely on boxed cake mix, dried ramen noodles, Fritos, Frosted Flakes and Stove Top stuffing. Watch out, David Chang, there’s a new chef mashing up Asian and junk food, and she’s a bit better looking than you.

A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on May 30, 2015 at 2:45pm PDT

The most interesting recipes aren’t actually Teigen’s creations; they’re the work of her Thai mother, Pepper — herself an Instagram star with nearly 95,000 followers. I hope she’s getting a cut of Teigen’s advance.

But this cookbook isn’t really about the recipes — it’s about Chrissy. And, instructions for scrambling eggs aside, she’s pretty charming. Her introduction, in which she laments the possibility that her future grandchildren could be vegans, made me laugh out loud. She also blames her love for risotto as the reason she’s never been invited to walk in a New York Fashion Week show.

And, best of all, she throws some serious shade at Gwyneth Paltrow. “Add some lemon zest if you’re feeling Paltrow-y or eat it right out of the pan if you’re in more of a Teigen kind of mood,” reads the recipe for Dutch baby pancakes.

The book I’m most excited for? Teigen’s workout tome, because if she can eat foods like this and look like that, she has to have found some fitness secret that the rest of us haven’t figured out.