To Kill a Mountain Lion . . . With a Spatula

We moved from the Rio Grande Valley to Austin almost seven years ago. From the beginning, I was afraid of encountering a mountain lion. T always laughed, but I insisted it wasn’t unthinkable. On walks around Pedernales Falls State Park, I would insist that the kids stay close by. R was only seven. And the first time we went to Hamilton Pool, the sun was going down, and I made us turn back from the path going to the river, because it felt too much like mountain lion time to me.

But mountain lions have been spotted around the area lately. Well, at least between our subdivision and Pedernales Falls State Park. So hah! I wasn’t that crazy.

A few years ago, on a walk in Big Bend National Park, I carried a stick and a rock, and wished out loud that I had a loud whistle, a bowie knife, and a can of mace. I made the kids stay close. T laughed. But the next day the three of them went on a walk and on the way back someone told them to beware of mountain lions, and to try and get back to the campground before dusk. Hah! A few months later a mountain lion attacked someone in the parking lot of the only restaurant in Big Bend. Double Hah!

The point being: I have a healthy respect and yes, fear of mountain lions. Tarantulas can’t catch up with me, nor can scorpions or snakes. Bears will most likely turn around if you stand your ground and look tall. But you most likely wouldn’t know a mountain lion was in the area until your head was in its jaws.

So last night I dreamed that we were in an RV and there was a mountain lion lurking around outside. Someone had warned us to be careful, because it was fearless.

Sure enough, coming back from walking our dog, I spotted it in the trees above my head. I was still some twenty feet from the RV, but I managed to beat it to the door. I must not have been obese in my dream, which was convenient.

I looked at the animal through the glass window in the door. It got up on its hind legs and growled at me. I pressed my face against the glass and growled right back. But it didn’t even flinch. That’s how fearless it was.

A dream moment later, I was in a different RV, with the door locked, but for some reason there was a two-foot gap to the right of the door, above a table. So we spent quite some time strategically placing the toaster, spices, cups, a pitcher full of wooden spoons and other stuff on the table. The idea was that the mountain lion, in its attempt to get inside, would hesitate about where to jump onto the table, and in the few seconds of hesitation, while it already had its front paws on the edge of the table, I would hit it over the head with the spatula, thus saving my children from a bloody death.

Ah, the trials and tribulations of a Dutch woman whose outdoor experiences were mostly limited to the completely and utterly wildlife-free hills and mountains of Great Britain. I do miss those days!

Haha, sounds like the Loch Ness Monster to me! Where would they even hide? There is no growth higher than heather in the Scottish hills. Anyway, the most direct evidence we ever had of wildlife in the mountains of Great Britain–apart from once seeing a herd of deer so far away they were no more than spots–was the fact that in the morning we found a tiny hole chewed in a little plastic bag of raisins. A mouse must have taken a few. Oh yeah, and once a seagull at a great height over Mount Snowdon managed to poop right onto the lid of my butter tin.

Mountain lions have been seen in your area?! Wow. I knew they still lived out west in Big Bend but had no idea there were any left in central Texas. I think they’re magnificent but seriously scary like you said. I wouldn’t want to have a close encounter, even in a dream. Even with a spatula. Heh heh.

I love the strategy of momentarily confounding a mountain lion with an artfully positioned toaster before dispatching it with a spatula. I suspect Martha Stewart survived jail by similarly deploying her branded kitchenware to ward off unwanted advances. I salute you, and would certainly seek you out if walking in lion-infested terrain.

What Folks Have Been Reading

Archives: The Whole Shebang

Archives: The Whole Shebang

WHAT I HAVE BEEN READING

The Indigenous nations of North America practiced slavery for various reasons, but once the Europeans came, it became commodified in a way that looked a lot more like the human trafficking we know today. The damage it did to the entire continent is mind-boggling.

In the late 60s Richard Proenneke built his own cabin in the Alaskan wilderness with only a few simple tools. He spent most of the rest of his life there. Sam Keith fleshed out Proenneke's diary of his first 16 months, when he was making his home by a lake. I love these kinds of books!

An old Oji-Cree healer and her nephew canoe down a river in Canada, away from the world of white people. They both have to come to terms with their past. The woman has lost most of her tribe and the young man is traumatized from his recent experience in the Belgian trenches of World War One. My second book by Boyden. Can't say enough about him.

An incredibly comprehensive history of everything related to slavery in the Southern United States, from the beginning of the colonies to the end of the Civil War. Over 700 pages and I took over 30 pages of notes. I will be sharing over many posts to come!

Hamid's debut novel. I love this author. A young man in Lahore, Pakistan, is the victim of love, drugs, obsession, the class system and his complete lack of self-awareness.

A golem, created in Poland and brought to life on a ship to America, and a jinni who was trapped in a flask a thousand years ago and released in New York -- the most unusual immigrants you'll ever meet.

The only part of her life a Korean woman can control is her body, so she withdraws into it. Harrowing.

Autobiography lightly disguised as a novel about the son of Southern migrants growing up on the streets of Harlem, New York City, in the 1940s and 50s. Written like you're hearing the whole story in a bar. Quite a feat.

The story of a man struggling to make a living in Morocco. No plot, no clearly defined characters, but fascinating in its authenticity.

Four generations of black women in Louisiana, from a kitchen slave in the 1830s to a 'free' woman during the Jim Crow 1930s. What they had to do to survive, to keep what they could of their family together. Powerful.

Pakistani man tells an American about his experience as a college student and employee of an assessment firm in America years ago. Smart, nuanced and pretty darn honest considering the unreliable narrator.

Wow! The answer to the inane platitudes about how all parents love their children and how children should always respect their parents. The protagonist must come to terms with his deeply flawed immigrant parents in order to change himself.

Seven short stories about life during the Kim Il-sung regime, by a writer who still lives and works in North Korea, were smuggled out of the country and translated. Mind-boggling stuff.

A 15-year-old autistic narrator wants to know who killed a neighbor's dog, and ends up much further out of his comfort zone than he planned. Wonderful read!

In politics, education, religion, agriculture, business--it turns out that dumbing down has been here from the start.

Fifty years of Istanbul seen through the eyes of a street vendor who migrates to the city as a young boy. It's also a window into the complicated dance between men and women in Turkey.

Hey, don't laugh, at least I'm trying.

A Norwegian immigrant is cooped up with six other people on a tiny island off the coast of Maine all winter in 1873. A woman in the present researching the Norwegian immigrant is cooped up with three other people on a tiny sailboat. What could possibly go wrong?

A man stuck between two worlds in more ways than one. Fascinating!

Historical novel about early contacts between first nations and the French in Canada. Beautifully written story that doesn't pull any punches. I bought his other two novels right away.

Beautifully written. By my children's favorite English and Creative Writing teacher! It's got rave reviews and we're all very proud of her.

"What a repugnant spectacle our country has become! Falsehood, cruelty and madness everywhere, and brute force in the wings waiting to finish us off. "

Suki Kim is a Korean-American journalist. She poses as an evangelical Christian posing as an English teacher at a school for the sons of North Korea's elite. Her experience and the information she manages to get via writing assignments are incredible. Definitely a lot more eye-opening that any CNN special.

This. Explains. Everything!!!

Why has Islam not undergone a reformation like Christianity? Why is it so easy for Islamic extremist groups like IS to recruit young muslims? What would it take for Islam in fundamentalist Islamic countries to enter modernity? Does the West have a role to play?

Amazing! A man wanders endlessly through a dreamscape, becoming other people, himself in the past, everything is fluid. Kafkaesque disconnect between people and their different needs.

A multi-layered novel about the history of Libya. A fast read, but one you can repeat and find something new each time.

Twelve Americans go missing in Burma/Myanmar during a tour. Touching and hilarious, but mostly hilarious.

The quote on the front mentions that these stories are exhilerating. I couldn't disagree more. They are almost unbearably painful to read, and yet I couldn't put them down. Very well done, apart from the third story, which is written in the second tense. Please let me know if you know of ONE story that works in second tense.