That crooked nose. That untamed hair. The enormous appetite. The hottest girl in the room isn't who you think. Why pretty isn't (always) sexy. Yeah, it's another Elle story about obsessive-compulsive appearance evaluation syndrome betraying just enough honesty to touch off a flurry of those "must flee this fucking town" synapses that generally prevent me from finishing magazine stories these days. (Also: it's by Walter Kirn.) Luckily, there are men in other cities, like reader Bryce of Knoxville, Tennessee, who read the story on the internet late at night with an anonymous buddy and felt compelled to send us the transcript of their IM conversation. Click the pic to read the mystified musings of two innocent dudes when confronted with the heretical insecurity porn peddled by our nation's women's magazines. [Elle]

Guildenstern: (1:24:05 AM): And it seems like he picks up on their flaws.

Guildenstern: (1:24:07 AM): Too easily.

Guildenstern: (1:24:25 AM): He knows exactly what a woman isn't supposed to be, and then says these women were that.

Guildenstern: (1:24:46 AM): He doesn't quite convince me that he just loves women.

Guildenstern: (1:24:53 AM): It's . . .

Guildenstern: (1:24:55 AM): I dunno.

Rosencrantz: (1:25:03 AM): yeah.

Guildenstern: (1:25:15 AM): "Straight hair, straight posture, straight in every way. Flat, too. And wearing glasses. Yet she was provocative as hell, like a stripper who was working under deep cover. She had a disciplined, stealthy sensuality that seemed to whisper to me as she slipped by: 'What you see isn't half of what you'll get.' "

Guildenstern: (1:25:25 AM): What?

Guildenstern: (1:25:31 AM): You were struck by her?

Guildenstern: (1:25:43 AM): I wasn't struck by the last woman I fell in love with.

Rosencrantz: (1:25:52 AM): i am agreeing with you

Guildenstern: (1:26:06 AM): I hope I do not sound like, uh, what's-his-face.

Guildenstern: (1:26:11 AM): I am just providing running commentary.

Guildenstern: (1:26:21 AM): You can steer if you like.

Rosencrantz: (1:26:28 AM): i'm reading the article Guildenstern: (1:26:45 AM): Did you know that Ben Jonson used the word "also" an awful lot?

Rosencrantz: (1:27:03 AM): i didn't even know ben jonson's name

Guildenstern: (1:27:20 AM): Can you tell I just finished a book about Shakespeare? I was thinking of my justs. Elizabethan/Jacobean playwright.