The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train. A frequent dater and lover…..

Dude Dating with J-Train: St Patrick’s Day Edition

I’ve been dating this girl for a year. We actually met on St Patty’s Day of 2010. Since then my girlfriend keeps telling everyone that it was fate that we happened to be at the same bar at the same time on the same night. She even says – “I guess we just had the luck of the Irish hehe” – I know it’s horrible. I like her but I can’t stand when she tries to dress up how we met. How can I get her to stop? – Vic Mackey Los Angeles, CA

Girls want to romanticize how they met their boyfriend. I met an ex-girlfriend at a frat party where the only thing to drink was Olde German and Roofies but she told everyone we met at a “cocktail event”. I don’t know how many “cocktail events” involve beer bongs and Journey’s Greatest Hits on repeat, but I let her go with it – so it doesn’t surprise me that your girlfriend has tried to make lemons into lemonade with your story. I mean you met on St Patty’s day, at a bar, while presumably drunk out of your minds – that isn’t exactly Gone With the Wind. But there’s something deeper at work here, man, and I understand your frustration; if she’s embarrassed of something as innocent as, how you met, what else is she embarrassed about? It may sound over-the-top, but I’m telling you that if she’s desperate to romanticize your origin story, I’d imagine her expectations of how the rest of your relationship is going to play out are a little out-sized from reality as well. You need to set her straight, and here’s how: Take her to the bar you guys met at on St Patty’s day for your one year anniversary but this time keep the drinking to a minimum as much as you can for the first few hours and just wait. The bar will turn into the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan for her, and everything will slow down to slow motion; people will be vomiting in the corner, piss will be leaking out of the bathrooms and girls will be grinding so voraciously on the dance-floor she’ll wonder if Planned Parenthood has a mobile office out front. Once she realizes how drunk all of the girls are and that half of the bar is sloppily making out with one another, choose one of the couples you see making out, point to them, and say – “look how cute they are, just like us, it must have been the luck of the Irish”.

Total nerd. I understand that there is a good number of people that don’t want to party on St. Patrick’s day, but they all live in the Ukraine. Nothing should temper a man’s thirst for green beer and disgusting excess. I went out last year and literally witnessed two girls screaming at each other for something like ten minutes; and then promptly started French kissing (which, by the way, fulfills both of my most basic fantasies). Who is this guy? He can’t possibly have friends, or interests, or a working pulse. Did Frankenstein’s Monster ask you out? Or maybe it was a dead guy, dressed up with sunglasses getting carried around by his two nephews? Or perhaps it was a toddler wearing a suit? Last thing I’ll say on this: if the guy is looking to go to a wine bar on St Patty’s, then you can look forward to spending the 4th of July at a French restaurant, and Thanksgiving with his family eating upscale Mexican cuisine; because, damn it, he’s un-American. And a total nerd, did I mention he’s definitely a nerd? Or a toddler in suit, don’t rule out toddler in a suit.

I hooked up with this chick during the St Patty’s day parade last weekend. I have a phone number but really no recollection of what she looks like and I don’t know her name. She’s programmed in my phone as “St Boobies” and now she has been sending me texts saying we should go out. What should I do? – Seamus, Quahog, RI

St Boobies isn’t hot. If you’re still curious then have St Boobies meet you out late at night so you can see her under the safe cover of night. KNOW THIS: the standard St Patty’s Day outfit is the KINDEST outfit to the ladies figure. It’s something all guys would love to snuggle up to like a life-size Teddy Bear: casual jeans, green t-shirt with a hoodie/cardigan over it, and her hair pulled back – maybe some green glitter or a sticker on her cheek. She’s basically an old couch found in a bachelor pad that seems like a good idea to snuggle up to when you’re drunk – soft, comfortable, and there for you when you need to pass out. Just remember that couch has also been pissed on several times, is covered in Doritos crumbs, and has bulges in places it shouldn’t. If she remembers you, but you don’t remember her, trust me, you’re the hot one of the two and that might not be saying much.