Category: Funny

Maths – due to a series of horrible and traumatising maths teachers from my school days

Hiding my emotions – Full stop

The first two have never proved an overwhelming problem for me: I’ve never been lost in the woods needing to attract attention so my lack of ability to whistle has never been a big deal and no-one ever asks me to do Pythagoras theorem anymore (how useful is it now Mrs. Neil?!) so my daily usage of Maths manages to remain comfortably low. However, dear friends, dear, dear friends. The last point is my absolute downfall.

I met someone new recently and obviously when you meet someone you go through the stages of getting to know them ,the way your heart flutters when you find out you have a weirdly similar adoration of documentaries, when he makes your housemate do that hilarious uncontrolled laughter, affectionately nicknamed Llama laugh , being overly disappointed when you discover they don’t like cheese as much as you etc. Clever egg that he is he horrifyingly quickly picked up on the fact that I don’t just ‘like’ things. I LOVE them or I HATE them. There is very little middle ground with me. For example: I love cheese so much I tear up whenever someone presents me with a tasty morsel, I whimper with joy when Australian Masterchef comes on each year and I cackle with glee every time I see a photo of an otter. On the other end of the spectrum I feel viscerally angry whenever I smell coconut, lose it when people pronounce ‘jalapenos’ wrong and really really don’t like people who can’t queue properly. THERE’S A LINE FOR A REASON.

One of the main ways that these extreme emotions show themselves is by languishing over my face. My face acts pretty much like that of an over excited cartoon character. One particular topic that has been making my countenance shrivel with disdain is that for the past couple of years I have constantly faced the assumption that I am a vegetarian. Whilst I have absolutely nothing against those who chose the vegetarian lifestyle (you have more will power than I do) I do not chose this lifestyle and the assumption that I am hits on another major pet peeve of mine. Stereotypes. “You have a veggie vibe” I’m sorry. What now!?!?!?! What does a veggie look like!? I didn’t realise they all had a particular style that meant we could pick them out in a crowd to tut at their stereotypical ‘vegi-isms’

So, I’ve decided to be veggie for a couple of weeks. Partly to whinge about how much I miss chicken, mainly to see if I’m actually a closet veggie in denial and have no right to be so quick to anger with those who assume I am.

I don’t have give up cheese though so it’s ok:

Day 1:

Totally chilled. Not feeling a problem at all until the evening rolls round. I really really fancy a curry which is great. I love veggie curry. Yes. But I also love chicken and especially fish curries and oh wait those are both banned. Disaster. So I settle for a larger portion of saag paneer with mushroom rice and naan bread. Yum.

Day 2:

This is really actually fine. I can totally survive two weeks without meat.

Day 3:

I’m feeling pretty drained and tired, probably got more to do with my hectic schedule more than anything else. We have an amazing jacket potato place just round the corner from work which is helping a lot

Day 4:

The day times are fine. It’s the evenings that I’m starting to struggle with. Housemates are both meat eaters and when they start cooking chicken, it’s wrong I know but I genuinely start to salivate. I should be stronger than this. I should have more self will, this is pretty shameful

Day 5:

Starting to become very sick of plain jacket potato with cheese. I WANT TUNA. GIVE ME THE GOSH DARN TUNA

Day 6:

It’s Friday, and reader. I’m drunk. I’ve also failed. Miserably. I ate chicken nuggets, cooked at like 2am when I got home. I managed a pitiful six days, then cooked nuggets and snaffled them smothered with mayo and shame

So I like chicken. A lot it would appear. It’s amusing though as I know I do go days and days without eating meat in a normal week. Yet for some reason as soon as I denied myself meat all I could dream about was lasagne and other meaty based delights.
I’d have loved for this blog to become a homage to sourcing sustainable options and being conscious about where meat comes from. However, I was defeated by chicken nuggets, which lets face it, probably wouldn’t know what a chicken was if they fell over it.

So it’s like midnight. I’ve had far too many cocktails to be writing anything except a note to my sober self about how much water I should drink to stave off the mild headache I’m probably going to have tomorrow morning.

However, I don’t feel like I can wait, it was too good, I have to talk about the ridiculously amazing meal I just had at The Wick at Both Ends. Yes, you read that right The Wick at Both Ends. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been a fan of the Wick, except for their truly terrible Lemon Drizzles that have lead to some of my more spectacular accidents in Sheffield. I’ve crawled in on Sunday afternoons with impressive hangovers and demanded one of their roasts, however, whilst always lovely, was never something to write home about.

This, this, however is something to not only write home about but send a blooming postcard to everyone I know about.

The concept has been completely flipped on it’s head. Gone are the mildly overpriced main dishes with no real theme. In it’s place is a short and stunning menu of small plates, bar bites and a couple of desserts. Plus there was a cheese board. You all know how I feel about cheese.

Housemates arrived and we proceeded to rather ruefully order one of pretty much everything. Pretty sure we ate more than anyone else there. Which equated to:

Snacks:

Green olives with dried chilli – Olives. Yum.

Pickled Jalapenos, smoked cheese – Now, I’m a fan of spice. This was too much and they were probably the biggest let down. Cheese. Yum though.

Honey mustard popcorn – Genuinely forgot this existed by the end of the meal was too excited eating everything else ever

Blade of Beef, Enoki Mushroom, Onion, Dashi – Fancy jug of sauce to cook to mushrooms which caused us much delight, the beef fell to pieces as all good beef should

Pork Collar, Almond, Anchovy, Sage, New Potatoes – Might have actually been my highlight, and I don’t normally eat pork but the combo of salty tasty pork with fishy anchovy was beyond incredible (the cocktails are adding to my descriptive powers I see)

Cod, Chicken Skin, Cauliflower, Hazelnut – No, NO I was wrong. I take it back THIS was my favourite. I could have eaten twelve of them, chicken skin that made that satisfying crack with soft, perfectly cooked flaky cod. Cue drool all over my keyboard

Chicken, Grilled Corn, Fava Beans, Roast Onion Sauce – The only let down of the small plates. Chicken was dry and uninspiring but to be fair if I’d eaten this without any of the other amazing dishes I probably wouldn’t have complained

I’ve eaten many hundreds and thousands of meals in my life, some unforgettable, some diabolical, some lost in the void of time and some wasted due to stupid things like hangovers. However, there are certain meals that stick out in my memory.

These aren’t ones that were served in dog bowls, or other novelty kinds of plates, they didn’t have foams and no-one served them to me on a silver platter. These were meals that meant something.

Every time I’m sad, I rush back to the safety of Lincolnshire and my mother will without fail make me lasagne. It’s something I now cook when I’ve had a bad day as it makes me think of home and ‘Miss Dior’ perfume. Housemate defaults to her Nan’s amazing veg crumble, other housemate shares stunning veggie recipes from her childhood and brother brings home memorable dishes from his travels. However, all of these examples are food cooked at home.

This leads to the question: ‘What makes me remember a meal from a restaurant?’ Is it overly fussy food in a white linen clad room where the “stars” matter more than the food? Is it a place that I can crawl into when I’m tired and in need of a glass of pinot or is it the place that I had my first date with that special someone? Either at home or out on the town I think good food is defiantly the clarity of flavours and the atmosphere that you’re in. I thought I’d share a few of my top food memories:

My mothers lasagne: I know I’ve already mentioned it but seriously. Crunchy, crispy, meaty, cheesy, to me: the epitome of comfort in a dish. This lasagne saw me through screwing up my A-levels to my first real broken heart (I was 16, obviously, and he was totally….totally the love of my life). Meat, pasta, béchamel, repeat, top with mozzarella and cheddar. Bam

Tapas @ Cerventes in Malaga: I love tapas darling. Not only was this the best tapas I’ve ever had but it was one of the best meals I’ve ever had in general. Buttery leeks, perfectly cooked cod and a stew that made me eat lamb for the first time in about five years, this restaurant is the reason that my poor housemates are going to have to try hundreds of variations of cauliflower puree until i get it just right

BBQ on the beach: The long days of summer were getting shorter, the idea of autumn was in the air and it was a gorgeous night on a Welsh beach. We’d gone on an adventure and watched the sun go down. If I close my eyes I can still taste the blue cheesy mushrooms. Didn’t even have plates. Didn’t even care

Housemates Mac and Cheese: I’m incredibly blessed to have two amazing housemates, we talk till late into the night and do all the things good girl friends do together. The first time I was really poorly in the house, housemate sprang into action and cooked me the best Mac and Cheese of my life. Crunchy and cheesy what a winner

Seafood Biryani @ The Thali Cafe: I love this little hug of a café. Tucked away behind a brightly covered front it’s a mish mash of lovely staff, quirky décor and incredible food. It also does BYOB, a favourite of mine. The best meal I’ve had there so far is still the first time I went and discovered this place, not normally a Biryani fan this had the most fresh gorgeously spiced sea food ever. I still wake up thinking about it , it does what all good meals do. Brings back memories of a wonderful time in my life

So, I opened a can of worms. A really large. Really ugly can of worms. Phone calls were made, messages were sent and my phone didn’t stop buzzing for three whole days. I asked a group of people who’s voices are rarely heard to speak up. To raise themselves above the coffee counters and tequila soaked bars. To make a stand and let the general great unwashed know what is unacceptable when placing an order.

Strap in folks. We’re in for a bumpy ride

Things as a person who works in hospitality I freaking hate:

Clicking your fingersGenuinely. I will snap your fingers off

There’s a large group of you. You’ve all ordered drinks. I bring the drink over……..no-one claims itCue blank stares and an awkward silence. Finally someone pipes up, coffee is now cold

Ordering your drinks one at a time, finally ending with “Oh. And a pint of Guinness”Seriously

“Is it alright if we just move to that table over there?”No. NO IT’S NOT. It’s never ok

“I couldn’t get in the door”
That’s because we’re shut. The sign says closed, I don’t care if it’s 9.58 with an opening time of 10

Queue…..Queue…….Queue…..”I Still don’t know what I want”
Get out my bar

“I’d like a long island iced tea” Made “and another long island iced tea”I definitely have enough brain cells to make two drinks at once

“Are you serving”…No I’m just making my own mojito…

Working in a gin bar.. “What gin do you have?”..Well I could list the 100+ gins for you but you’re still probably going to pick the house gin

Table of 20 covers…..”Can we all pay separately?”
The worst

Half a shot, decaf, soy latte extra hot…………

Plonking money down on the counterJust bloody rude

“That pint tasted funny”Still drank it didn’t you cheap beggar

“It’s so busy in here today!”It’s bank holiday. Want to swop?

“Could I try the elderflower martini?…….Oh no that’s awful could I have a smirnoff and coke?”
I hate you

“How long does it take to make an omelette?”
About four minutes but I also have everyone else’s food to cook too

“Please be careful this plate is very hot” Grab. Pain.I did tell you

Sitting on the only dirty table in the café. Staring expectantly
Just leave

“I’m so sorry we’re so late, I know the booking was around an hour ago but we’re here now. We’re also 12 instead of 8, that’s ok right?”
No

“Keep the change”Thanks for the 5p. Mate

Children
Just children

Could I grab your WIFI Password?
Only if you promise not to sit here for the next 8 hours nursing a pot of £1.80 tea furiously demanding more hot water to fill it it. Go write your ‘bestseller’ somewhere else

Carries tray over, customer grabs drink off tray. Drink ends up all over customer. Get off my tray

I’ve been waiting for like 20 minutesWell. You haven’t though. Have you?

If you think of anymore feel free to harass me at erin_lawlor@hotmail.co.uk