Strip Fighter II (TurboGrafx-16) review

"You won’t even want to beat it."

Since you’re reading this I guess you must be a diehard PC Engine fan who’s in the mood for a balanced and cleverly designed all-girl fighter.

Hahaha, yeah right!

You took one glance at the title and came running for naked chicks. At least I certainly hope that’s the case, because otherwise you’re pretty much SOL.

Years of painstaking research in seedy arcades, however, has led me to conclude that this game actually isn’t a total disaster. It may be little more than a half-assed (and bare-assed) knockoff of Street Fighter II, but at least you don’t twitch across the screen like a crack addict, nor do you suddenly collapse after taking two to the chest. So I guess it’s better than shit like Violence Fight, Survival Arts or even the original Street Fighter, and those games didn’t even try to compensate for their obvious shortcomings with softcore porn!

That’s right my randy young friend, this game does indeed provide the tasteless filth that you so desperately crave. You’ll be “treated” to a digitized pinup of a “hot” girl in her underthings after you win the first round, this cheap display accompanied by the most annoying chiptune in the universe. But don’t get your digitized panties in a bunch just yet – win the second round and you get to see it ALL . . .

. . . except for her crotch, because it’s been abducted by ninjas in accordance with Japanese law. You know, the one that requires all depictions of genitalia to be covered with either a mosaic or half a dozen probing tentacles. Not that it really matters, since the models are all pretty homely to begin with and have creepy animated eyes that soullessly wink at you before the camera pans down their unappealing bodies.

Speaking of unappealing things, you only get six characters to choose from and their designs settle for somewhere between “pathetic” and merely “lame.” Yes, tremble before the prestigious champions of striptease martial arts – whose ranks include “chronically obese woman wearing purple wig,” “butch shemonster sporting mohawk,” and “blonde ballerina in stockings.” I wasn’t really trying with that last one, but then neither was the artist. Their special moves, besides requiring divine intervention to pull off successfully, occasionally flash a bit of skin for a few seconds but they’re nowhere near as “sexy” as those blinking babes in between matches. Well, except maybe when the fat woman exposes her mammoth bosoms and starts spinning them around to engulf her opponent in a furious flurry of flabby flesh. Don’t worry, you’ll get plenty of chances to witness such assaults seeing as how the computer-controlled fighters seem to have a direct line with Jesus.

Theoretically you’d control this sad group using the 6-button pad, except that the different attacks are practically identical anyway. The controls are terribly unresponsive, the gameplay sloppy as hell, and it basically feels like something that was slapped together as an afterthought to the already inept dirty pictures. (Shocking, I know.) Once again this doesn’t really matter because most of the time you can beat the default AI just by using the same kick over and over again. Of course, the higher levels of difficulty are barely even playable since your rivals will just endlessly blast you with so many instant special moves that even Guile would shake his flat-topped head in disgust. Don’t expect a final boss or an ending sequence either; you just see all the same pictures again.

In conclusion, it is my objective and unbiased opinion that Strip Fighter totally blows. Now if it had been on Turbo CD with cheesy 70s disco porn music and animated intermissions featuring wobbling jello-breasts . . . well, it still wouldn’t be worth a damn but at least then it might have enjoyed some decent kitsch value. The price this game goes for is just plain insulting, especially when you could get a truly awesome Super CD fighter like Flash Hiders or Asuka 120% instead. I suppose you might enjoy it if you were some sort of rich pervert who maintains low standards and always wanted to see Ryu execute his rising dragon on Chun Li. Me, I’d say that if you really want to mix sex and violence that badly you’d be a lot better off just pulling out those Playboys from under your mattress and then repeatedly punching yourself in the face.

Just as our hero cheerfully toys with every dour Deustchlander misfortunate enough to cross his path by pouring on the old Southern charm, so does the game itself con you into overlooking its flaws with an amazing presentation.

From the moment that you press down on those aging springs and lock that smooth grey cartridge into the fiendishly designed depths of your Nintendo Entertainment System, you’ll surely recognize that you are now Playing With Power.

One minute you’re sharing a leisurely picnic with that swell gal from the malt shop and the next thing you know ants the size of battleships are descending upon the Earth looking for a little sugar.

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