Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, May 6, 2013

The Straight Poop On The Amish

Recently over
100 Amish people in Ohio protested a law that required all new houses to be
equipped with modern wells and septic systems. At first I supported the
Amish on this since I thought the plumbing systems were electrically-powered and
the Amish have an established tradition of non-electric living.

But then I
found out that there are hydraulic-powered systems that require no electricity,
that meet the building code. This means the Amish were not protesting
over being forced to use electricity. No, they were protesting for the right to
poop outside.

Now I may
support the Amish’s right of religious freedom, but I cannot support
this. This is crazy. This is bats**t crazy, literally if you happen
to accidently trap a bat in the outhouse. If you are protesting for the
right to poop outside, I will not stand with you. In fact, I will not
even stand downwind from you. America provides
many individual freedoms, but the right to poop outside is not one of them.

And I don’t
think the Amish are standing, or squatting, on freedom of religion here.
I don’t believe God cares where you poop. I can’t see where this is a
religious issue at all. Despite the expression, I don’t think it is possible
to take a holy s**t, although I used to work with a guy who proved it is
possible to take an unholy one.

I don’t care
how pure your doctrine is, how great your church is or how pleasant your members
are. If your religion requires me to poop outside, that’s a real deal
breaker. And I shall not be moved. And when I am moved, it will be in a
nice, temperature-controlled, indoor, state-of-the art, commode with electric
lights and a sink nearby!

The Amish could
build the house with the modern plumbing system, but just not use it. Of
course you know what would happen. Elmer would get up in the middle of a frigid
winter night. He would have a choice to make and his flush would narc him
out to the other people in the house. “Elmer, thy buns have touched the
porcelain. Ye are a sinner!”

You might think
since I am a “city boy” that I have never utilized an outhouse for
turdilation. You would be wrong. My family migrated from central
Pennsylvania, right near Amish country. (Wow, when you think about it, a few
miles to the east and I would be typing this blog on a manual typewriter and
would be posting it by nailing a copy to your front door). We would visit
relatives in Pennsylvania when I was young and one sweltering-hot day the
indoor bathrooms were occupied and I had to utilize the outhouse in the
woods. This was a very traumatic experience that I have not recovered
from, even to this day.

Where you poop
is very important. It defines you. It cultures you. It helps
establish your persona. That’s why outhouses are very important to the
Amish. They take much time and effort to construct fantastic outhouses,
some of the finest outhouses in the world. The Amish even have an
expression to describe a hot Amish woman (which is an oxymoron) that says, “She
is built like a brick “s**thouse”. Because to an Amishman nothing in the
world is better than a tight, sturdy, outhouse that keeps out the cold and wind
on a frigid winter morning.

Hot, but not really Amish

Incredibly a
variation of this expression was the basis for the Commodores 1977 hit song
“Brickhouse” (She’s a brick --- house!). Fortunately the Commodores did
not sing “She’s a brick s**thouse”. I think perhaps that could have slightly
dampened the song’s appeal. I’m sorry, any culture that positively likens
a beautiful woman to the place where you poop, just ain’t right. It is certified
crazy. It is bats**t crazy indeed.