New Years resolutions for the people and places of New York

Once the ball drops, they better not drop the ball. via flickr user gigi_nyc

While 2016 may be a mere one-digit adjustment on your document signatures, the meaning of the New Year runs deeper. It brings with it a longstanding tradition of “out with the old” as we say goodbye to old flames, bad habits and dated perspectives, introducing creative pursuits, gym memberships and professional goals in their places. We promise to be better, do better. And just to make things official, we call these promises resolutions.

Now, let’s be honest here: New Year’s resolutions are bad lies. You make them and break them within a few weeks. There isn’t much use for them — unless, of course, you’re telling other people how they can change their lives. Seeing as how it would be a public service for us to do so, here are some suggested New Years’ resolutions for the visible people, places and objects in New York that continually dissatisfy us.

For the Christopher Columbus of Brooklyn: Go West, young man! Settle Jersey City, then Buffalo. Cross the border, and settle the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. Then tear up your American passport. Long-term 2016 goal: Settle down.

For the MTA: Learn to do more with less! For instance, take a craft class so you can learn to build countdown clocks that will tell us how delayed our trains are out of felt and popsicle sticks. Use the money saved there to avoid another fare hike.

For the amNY crossword puzzle makers: Find vowels in words other than ONES, ERGO and IOWA.

For the Fourth Avenue Pub: Fix the popcorn machine, for the love of God.

For the Manhattan-bound N Train: Resolve to collectively use deodorant.

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