How to avoid conversational landmines at the Thanksgiving table

Monday

Nov 22, 2010 at 12:01 AMNov 22, 2010 at 10:18 PM

If you’re rich and I’m not, I don’t want to hear about it. Most people don’t like to talk about their age until they’re 90. And single people may be “happy being single." More conversation no-no's and taboos to avoid during Thanksgiving.

Tamara Browning

While making plans for the perfect Thanksgiving meal with family and friends, also prepare conversation topics that won’t leave people with a bad taste in their mouth, etiquette experts say.

“Dinner conversation should be upbeat and positive. That’s not the time to have intense conversational topics over a meal,” says Robin Thompson, owner of Etiquette-Network and Robin Thompson Charm School in Pekin, Ill. “You can’t eat a meal when your stomach is in knots. At least, I can’t.”

With the holiday season almost here, you might find yourself invited to parties where you don’t know everyone, dinners with relatives you don’t see often or get-togethers with people who, to put it politely, get on your nerves. Handled deftly, however, each event can offer the possibility of pleasant conversation and warm memories.

Plan ahead

Anticipating visits and thinking about the people you’ll see during the holiday can put you in a position to think of ideas for interesting small talk and non-controversial topics, says Cindy Post Senning, great-granddaughter of the late etiquette writer Emily Post and a director of The Emily Post Institute.

Talk about topics such as sports and hobbies instead of potentially explosive ones such as politics and religion, Thompson and Senning say.

“The idea is to have a pleasant conversation. This isn’t the time to resolve the political issue of the day or make your religious stance, so you want to stay away from things that have a potential for being controversial,” Senning says.

To stay clear of unpleasant topics, do your homework by asking another relative if he knows if there is anything special going on, Senning says. E-mail parents to let them know about positive news, such as “Johnny just got on the basketball team,” Thompson says.

“Practice with a cab driver … practice talking about things that we think about as sort of small talk, social conversation kinds of things. Practice, practice, practice,” says Senning, who adds that if you’re shy, ask a neighbor to help you practice over coffee.

Rehearse how to handle meddling relatives, their own responses and ways to gear the conversation to more positive, pleasant topics, Thompson says.

“Of course, if you’re the one making all the mistakes, you probably won’t do this. But if you’re on the receiving end, this is a time to celebrate and try to maintain a positive attitude no matter what,” Thompson said.

Be a good listener

People often focus too much on what they’re going to say next and don’t really listen to what’s being said to them, Senning says.

The result is that “even what you say doesn’t necessarily fit exactly what you’ve heard,” Senning says. “Listen to what the person you’re talking to has to say first, and then take a minute to think of your answer.”

Maintain eye contact with the person, make appropriate interjections and show the individual that you’re listening and interested. Avoid interrupting. Don’t monopolize conversations with long stories. Forego technical and professional lingo and use plain English and uncomplicated words.

And turn off your cell phone. Senning offers other tips for successful socializing:

1) Cut out “potty mouth.”

Profanity never shows your intelligence, Thompson says.

“You can train a parrot to cuss. That doesn’t show a lot of intelligence. I think it shows a lack of control and poor taste,” Thompson says.

If someone is trashing somebody while you’re around, try to say something nice about that person, no matter how trivial.

“It’s hard to trash a person when she just got a compliment,” Thompson said.

Thompson says explosive questions include: “When are you two going to have children?” “Why don’t you get a nicer car?” “When are you going to get a better job?” “Did you really go out with that guy? You know what I heard about him?”

5) Ask open-ended questions.

If you find that conversation is starting to get tense or that it’s not getting off the ground, consider asking generic, open-ended questions. Thompson’s family uses that strategy as a tradition during Thanksgiving.

“We go around the table and have everybody say three things for which they’re thankful. One should involve family,” Thompson said.

6) Know how to retreat with grace.

“If somebody will not quit needling you or they just are really, really pushing your buttons, practice some excuses,” Thompson says. “Say quietly, ‘I can’t listen to this anymore. We aren’t going to talk about this today. Let’s make this a good day for everyone else.’”

Go to another room or excuse yourself to refill your drink or say, “Oh, I’ve got to make a phone call,” or “I promised I’d help clear the table,” Thompson said.

7) Be honest about your gaffes.

“Say you’ve gone into talking about sports and you didn’t know that this person was a rabid fan of the team that just lost, you want to change the subject,” Senning says. “You can even be upfront about it. You can even say, ‘Oh, my goodness. I didn’t mean to bring up something that was that sensitive.’”

8) Perspectives.

People should attend holiday events thinking of them as opportunities to have some social time, Senning says.

“Touch base with some people you haven’t seen in a while, find out a little bit about what’s going on for them and how they’re doing. That in general makes the whole event a lot more fun for everybody,” Senning said.

The holiday is not all about the meal, Thompson says.

“The most important part of any meal is not the food, it’s the people with whom you’re dining and the conversation,” Thompson says. “Enjoy the people. You don’t know how long these people are going to be around — or even you.”

Money: “If you’re rich and I’m not, I don’t want to hear about it,” Thompson said. Say something positive if someone asks how much you paid for something.

“You can say like, ‘Oh, I can’t remember what we paid for that,’ or ‘I’m just so blessed and thankful for what we have. God’s been good to us,’” Thompson said.

Age: Most people don’t like to talk about their age until they’re 90, Thompson says. “Then they want to tell everybody,” Thompson said.

Medical procedures: “If somebody’s going to be having bypass surgery or a woman is going to be delivering her first child, you don’t go into detail about how a friend just died from that same bypass surgery or the agonies of labor,” Thompson said. “You just don’t scare these people.”

Marital status and children: Single people may be “happy being single. Maybe they’d love to be married, but they just haven’t found the right person,” Thompson said. “The same for couples — why are they childless? … Maybe they can’t have children.”

Divorce isn’t something to celebrate, even if a person is glad to be out of a marriage, because it’s a painful process, Thompson says.

“You don’t need to add tactless comments like, ‘You’re better off without him,’ or ‘I heard she was having an affair,’” Thompson said.

Never miss a story

Choose the plan that's right for you.
Digital access or digital and print delivery.