Clarion 1979-04-01 Vol 54 No 00

Vol. 54? No. thanks
Bethel Collage, Arden Hole, MN April Fools, 1979
Job Corps controversy explodes into active threats
A week of peace and bright
hope for the future because of the
seeming resolution of the Egypt-
Israel conflict and the lull in far-east
fighting was marred on the
local scene by several boarder
clashes between the firmly entren-ched
Job Corps and advancing
CFH Coalition.
Threatened only verbally until
this week, the Corps' residents are
determined to hold ground against
the multi-headed attack.
The outmanned and under-equipped
Corps defense held a
spirited defense with a fierce bar-rage
of spit wads and paper clips.
Their main line, however, is an-chored
by "Big Nellie," a decrepit
civil war cannon.
The Coalition has used raw eggs
extensively and has claimed
several strategic victories.
Perhaps the Coalition's greatest
advantage is Coalition spokesman
and legal representative Ronald
"Spidey" Rice. Rice was the ar-chitect
of the original agreement
with lame duck Rudy Perpich and
is now said to have extremely
good rap-port with Governor Al
Quie.
Quie is currently considering re-questing
the services of the Na-tional
Guard to contain Big
Nellie. Rice has been spotted
several times entering the gover-nor's
mansion very late at night.
When questioned about his late
night rendezvous, Rice said, "So
what? Both me and Al can stay up
past midnight, can't we?"
Rice refused to comment on the
charges that his psychological
ploy of confronting Quie in a
super-hero suit is unethical. He
did say that all was fair in war.
"When the rights of my clients are
in jeopardy," he said, "I'll dig to
the very bottom of my bag of
tricks to win."
Although the Corps resents
_Rice's hard-nose stand, they re-main
remarkably willing to
by D.B. Cooper
As the rate of inflation soars,
money pressures for everyone
become greater. In an effort to
stay afloat, Bethel is considering
new measures to generate revenue.
Student tuition has been raised
a number of times in the recent
past. Since student complaints in
this area have been great, the ad-ministration
is looking for alter-native
ways of making money
within the college community.
One of the new measures being
negotiate.
Most critics felt that when
fighting broke out so soon after
the original agreement, signed just
four months ago in a summit
meeting at the Eau Claire county
fairgrounds with Wisconsin
governor-elect Lee Dreyfus, the
outlook for lasting peace was
grave.
The latest conflict occured over
a dispute on gym rights. In signing
a peace agreement last December,
Rice said, "We're pleased as
punch to have these kids move in-to
the neighborhood, as long as
they agree to let us run in the gym
at regular intervals."
Since then there has been much
discussion between leaders of the
two groups over the exact wording
of the agreement. The Job Corps
claims the CFH can use the facili- .
Como-Falcon Heights legal
representative Ron Rice.
considered is pay PO boxes which
would function in a similar way to
pay toilets (also being considered).
Pay POs would also eliminate
congestion in the post office area,
since students would check their
boxes less frequently.
Another possibility is the in-stitution
of admission for chapel.
Tickets would be sold at the booth
in the PE lounge, and discounts
would be given to students who at-tend
every chapel service. Dis-counts
would also be given for
cont. on page 2
ty under strict supervision on a
space available basis.
Rice countered yesterday,
"That's as good as no gym rights
at all. If I'd have kown that these
guys would take those words that
way I would have said it a whole
by Louseal Brown
Ever since the FA annex was
completed last year, Bethel
students have had the privilege of
enjoying two valuable works of
art, although many have been
unaware of this fact.
Originally there was to be no
formal recognition of the works to
avoid the cheap commercialism
that comes with secular advertis-ing,
but due to the overwhelming-ly
positive response from the stu-dent
body, the pieces have been
recently identified and given what
I feel is proper recognition.
Of course, I'm referring to the
left (meaning west) side, and the
bottom piece of the wooden sill in
the Student Accounts window at
the Bethel banking service.
The wood itself is a mixture of
cedar, lebanon, and pine, which
was brought from the Holy Land
and given to the school by an
anonymous donor.
"I felt this gift, more than
different way. Why with all the
activities they have we'd never get
in."
In the past four weeks, the gym
has been nearly booked solid with
the Corps' production of "The
Sound of Music," the first annual
1616?
anything else I might give to the
students at Bethel, would enhance
their educations, and inspire them
to continue into greater academic
and theological truths," said the
donor, in an unpublicized press
conference last week.
"We tried to place the carvings
in an area where a great number
of students would be able to enjoy
them," explained the annex's ar-chitectural
director, "so the bank-ing
window turned out to be the
logical place."
The placement of the pieces was
influenced not only by the fact
that many students came to the
window each day but also by the
fact that under normal cir-cumstances
each student would
have more than ample time to
study and absorb the beauty of the
work while doing transactions at
the bank.
"I think it was a great place to
arrange them," commented one
bank employee. "Not only does it
give the students something to do
marigold show, and a benefit pan-cake
dinner for Rudy Perpich and
Wendy Anderson.
Rice said, "How do you expect
our kids to compete with the
inner-city basketball teams when
they can't get floor time?"
while waiting in line, but I also
think it's attracted more business.
"People stand in line to get a
look at the carvings, and by the
time they get close enough they're
standing right in front of the teller
and they then feel obligated to put
money in the bank."
The only problems with having
the carvings at the banking win-dow
have been the congestion
they have caused, and some defac-ing
in the form of finger nail scrat-ches
around the time first semester
bills come out in the fall.
Although almost everyone
seems to think the banking win-dow
is the perfect place for the
carvings, they may be rotated to
other departments so a wider span
of people have an opportunity to
enjoy the work.
Possible locations for the carv-ings
during summer school are the
Xerox window in the AC building
and the book deposit slot in the
LRC.
Bethel battles inflation, seeks relief
with ingenious money-making gimmicks
Jan Hagstrom (sleeping) and Sheila Bennett (kneeling) tenaciously cling to 'Big Nellie,' the Job
Corps' last bastion of defense against advancing Moder troops.
Most lumberjacks support promiscuity
Onion
Bethel who asks why
Bethel's admissions office is really beating the bushes for anything that
will pay tuition these days, whether they admit it or not.
The trouble is, nobody knows what Bethel is. Why? Because
Bethelites don't know what Bethel is. You may say, "Bethel is people,"
but anyone who asks "Who?" is liable to leave you staring.
Socrates once said, "Know thyself." If he didn't then someone else
did. The impoitant thing is not who said it. It could just as well have
been said by Bob Snetvick from Escanaba, Iowa. But nobody knows
Bob Snetvick from Escanaba, Iowa, so that would make a poor illustra-tion
for this editorial.
At any rate, a lot of people struggle with the question "Who am I?"
today. Bethel is like that. And Bethel is people. Thus, Bethel is people
who don't know who they are.
As a result, nobody knows what Bethel is and hence the admissions
office can't admit what it doesn't know, and won't admit what won't be
admitted, whatever that means.
All this is to say that Bethel needs three things. It needs to know what
it is, it needs to know what it is talking about, and it needs to have a ti-tle.
First, to know what Bethel is, we need to know Bethel's roots. That's
jolly because roots are_ poplar these days. People wood rather leaf
through the family tree so they can bark about what relationship stems
from what.
Also, each student should memorize this introductory paragraph out
of the registration catalog:
"Bethel is a liberal college committed to an angelic Christian world
view. Libel arts learning at Bethel exhumes that students should not
themselves, blah, blah, blah...."
The staff of the Carrion has already mesmerized this portion, word
for word, as should be oblivious by the preceding paragraph. All who
do this will be able to tell perspective students exactly what Bethel is.
Second, Bethelites should know what they are talking about. They
sould be sound not only academically, but they should also be up on
currant events and have a propyl working vocabulary. Two mini students
lack basic skills in spelling and gradmar.
They should read the Carrion and be able to rescusitate portions from
memory.
Finally, Bethel needs to adapt a prominent title that will capture the
attention of the academic world. Just 500 .miles southeast of :here
Wheaton College is being acclaimed as the "Harvard of the Christian
world." Imagine the dignity of such a title for Bethel.
The Carrion proposes that Bethel be recognize as "the Wheaton of
the Christian world." Such a title would have perspective students
pounding at our doorstops. Shirley, that's what Bethel needs.
Ask Aunt Beulah
Inflation battle,
cont. from page 1
convocations where attendance is
expected to be light (meteorolo-gists,
faculty speakers).
A major change to be imple-mented
is the weighing of students
in the cafeteria. Instead of
weighing and pricing individual
food items, students will be weigh-ed
before and after eating and
charged $3 for each pound gained.
In this way, the cafeteria will
gain extra revenue from students
eating free foods such as water
and bulkier foods such as bars and
bread.
Food service is also contem-plating
placing a metal detector at
the cafeteria exit. This would
guard against the disappearance
of silverware that has become a
problem in recent years. It would
also prevent the smuggling of guns
out of the cafeteria.
A pay slot may be added for
anyone entering the bookstore.
An alternate proposal under con-sideration
by bookstore manage-ment
is requiring a $1 minimum
purchase before leaving the
bookstore.
TThhee office of parking and col-lege
grounds is considering ticket-ing
any birds parking and cooing
on trees on the college property.
According to the director of park-ing,
"This could be very expen-sive"
for any birds tagged.
One proposal that is surely
destined for defeat is the addition
of pay slots in the emergency exit
doors. Most administrators think
it would be too much of a hazard
for students caught without
change in their pockets.
Charging money for the Clarion
is the final measure being pro-posed.
In this writer's opinion,
that is the biggest joke of all.
Carrion
Carrion
Carrion
Shared Shellshock, editor
Woozy Sells, nooz editor
Grog Sniff, creative editor
and the other gang of
qualified jernalusts.
Advice for the desperate, the
brave, and for those who can't get
an appointment with Pastor Jim.
Beulah Daft is a certified aunt,
having a brother in Chattanooga
with three kids, the youngest of
which still wears braces. The
oldest—such a pity—has. never
been right since the accident.
Their middle boy is a holy terror.
His folks, Connie and Art (mar-ried,
'62), can never find a
babysitter dumb enough to come
over.
One Saturday night they had to
drive all the way to Tallahassee to
pick up some high-schooler nam-ed
Mildred who desperately need-ed
money for a typewriter she'd
picked out in a Sears catalogue to
take with her when she left for the
university. She really wanted a
Smith-Corona, but those babies
don't come cheap.
Ms. Daft is a PE graduate of
Bethel College, 1951.
Dear Aunt Beulah,
I can't stay away from Doc's
cookies. Help! I've gained 30
pounds and four dress sizes since
Welcome Week.
Sorrowful
Dearest Full,
Your problem isn't uncommon,
the Sapbox
Dear Editor,
I'm looking for Love.
Sometimes I spend entire
weekends away from Bethel (often
I'm not even back by Monday) in
my quest for Love. But whenever
I return to these Royals halls I
find Love is not here. If I ever get
Love, you may never see me
again.
Sincerely,
Phoebe Morgan
and there's a simple solution. I've
found that the jaw-wiring tech-nique
does the trick. See Dr. Bur-ton
(office hours 7:30-9 a.m. M,
W, F).
If this method isn't effective,
invest in one of those darling
posters that say "Those Who In-dulge—
Bulge."
Prayerfully,
A.B.
Dear Aunt Beulah,
This guy in my economics class
won't leave me alone. He follows
me everywhere, tries to carry my
books, and put packages of
"Sesame Seed Crunch" from the
bookstore in my PO. Do you
think he likes me?
Confused Sophomore
Poor Confused,
Ralph is so vengeful. I told him
I never wanted to see his face
again. Do you know what he did?
Made a terrible scene, right there
in the restaurant: leaped on top of
the table screaming and carrying
on. I was never so embarrassed.
He stormed out yelling, "You'll
pay, you'll pay." Evidently,
you've become the scapegoat.
Wake up, honey. He's using you.
Sympathetically,
Beulah
Dear Aunt Beulah,
I've recently heard rumors that
put your qualifications to counsel
in a bad light. Are they true?
Concerned
Concerned,
Ralph is so vengeful. I told him
I never wanted to see his face
again. Do you know what he did?
Made a terrible scene, right there
in the restaurant: leaped on top of
the table screaming and carrying
on. I was never so embarrassed.
He stormed out yelling, "You'll
pay, you'll pay."
Perceptively,
Auntie B.
Dear Aunt Beulah,
I take the 7:30 bus from Old
Campus on Tuesdays and Thurs-days.
My problem is a girl that sits
with me every day. The
clothespin-over-the-nose didn't
work; this girl doesn't take hints.
She's nice, but her breath is awful
Would I be doing her a favor by
telling her, or should I keep my
mouth shut?
Turning Blue
Dear T.B.
There are two methods to the
handling of a delicate situation
like this. Either you must indirect-ly
and discreetly affect a change,
or you can tell her straight out
that her breath smells like Lake
Valentine on a hot afternoon.
This latter choice could prove
dangerous, especially on a 7:30
bus. I would therefore recom-mend
the first option.
Begin your next early-morning
discussion with the following
natural-sounding phrase: "Par-don
me madam, I'm doing a study
for my anatomy class on lung
capacity. Would you mind helping
me with an experiment? Hold
your breath till Bethel Drive."
A second—though bit more
risky—answer would be to offer
her a cup of coffee laced with
Listerine. Past success with this
solution has been limited. Be
careful.
Best wishes,
A. Beulah
Confidential to B.R.I.A.N.
J.O.H.N .S.O.N.
Bed-wetting can be overcome!
Don't say anything about it to the
rest of the team. If this gets out,
you're cooked.
Respectfully,
Ms. Daft
Life got you down? Someone on
your back? Tell Aunt Beulah
about it. Include interesting
details and minimal perusal fee.
Write via PO 2381.
page too
New Spite planned,
competion set for '88
FLASH
LRC
annex
collapses
Seconds ago the new LRC
annex collapsed into a
smoldering pile of debris.
There were no fatalities, but
several tons of bricks and
girders trapped Food Pro-cessor
Kracher Graham in a
large steam kettle.
Unconfirmed reports say
the cause of the collapse may
have been faulty colloring in
some strategic tiles on the sup-porting
mosaic. One construc-tion
worker was heard moan-ing,
"I know green would
have held better than brown, I
know it would."
"It's terrible," sobbed one
freshman woman. "Those
buildings were supposed to
last longer than that, weren't
they?"
I
by Woozy "frog" Sells
Plans are now being made for
the publication of Bethel's first
decabook, the Spite. The Spite
will replace the old yearbook and
will cover ten years rather than
one.
"Based on past experience with
the yearbook, we felt that we
would need ten years to meet all
our deadlines," explained editor
Debbie Johnson. "Besides, we
want to cover all the years that
were missed when the Spire didn't
come out."
"I think the Spite is a great
idea," commented one student.
"It will be something we can show
our kids and our grandchildren
after we leave Bethel."
At present, the Roster and
Passages take the place of the
yeatbook. These publications will
continue, however. ,The Spite will
be "an extra treat," Debbie said.
"The Roster and Passages just
don't capture the spirit of Bethel
the way the Spite will be able to,"
she added.
Barring strikes at the printers
and future paper shortages., the
Spite's projected publication date
is "sometime in 1987-1988 at the
latest," Debbie claimed.
"The Spite will be available in
the student senate office—free-for
all students who graduate bet-ween
1977 and 1987," Debbie ex-plained.
"It would be too much of
a hassle to send them out to every-one,
and expensive too. I'm sure
students won't mind coming here
to pick them up."
"We will send students their
Spite if they send money to cover
postage, provided there is no
postal strike or construction in the
post office that might slow
delivery."
Pictures covering the last two
years will be taken from old Car-rion
photos. "You do keep them
on file, don't you?" Debbie ask-ed.
Working on a fresh theme,
Debbie has chosen "People are
bricks." "Bethel is bricks has lost
all meaning," she explained.
"People use that phrase so much.
`People are bricks' is original."
"We want to have lots of
photos of the new dorms (which
should be completed by then),
with closeups of the bricks. We
feel that the bricks represent the
building and growth of Bethel
over the years." Informer spills guts, rats on snooping Plumbers
by John Van Analyst
The air cif - celebration wa s
heavy in the air.
Steve Ohswell had just blazed
through the Carrion office singing
"We Done Overcome" and danc-ing
the Latin Hustle. I was trying
to find another slant on the elec-tions,
and Paul was putting
together a story about fiscal ir-responsibility
and why he liked it.
I had almost figured out a sure-fire
title for my article when the
phone rang.
"Carrion."
"Van Analyst? My name is
`Deep Trout,' and have I got an
expose for you."
by Nononannette
Rapid recurrent beats have
finally converged at 3900 Bethel
Drive with the initiation of the
new physical education
class—disco dancing.
The new class, being offered
during the second half of spring
term, has met wide acceptance
among students.
The originally planned six sec-tions
were expanded to ten sec-tions
under pressure from
students, especially seniors, when
the classes closed quickly during
registration.
Disco dancing will provide two
P.E. components for students,
and the possibility exists for one
extra component upon entrance in
a disco dance contest at one of the
local discos.
The class, being taught by Dave
"Boy, do I ever! Listen, you
wanna know the true story behind
the elections....the corruption, the
lies, the whole story?"
"oh yeah...0K. I'll tell you
what...I'll be at the back wearing
a paper bag over my head."
I wasn't really expecting much,
but I went and talked to him
anyway. He wasn't very coherent,
as he spent much of his time
changing the sound of his voice,
but his story was explosive.
"The whole story?" everybody else. Y'know drawing
"Yeah. Listen, is your phone moustaches on the posters, and
tapped?" stuff like that. But something very
"Gee, I don't know...I'll ask fishy was going on. I began to
David." hear noises coming out of the
"No! Don't do that. He might drains in our campaign offices,
as "Deep Trout" put it. Im-mediately
the lawless forces of in-stitutional
politics went on the of-fensive.
I asked my informant about the
nature of these offenses, and his
reply was shocking.
Students fight
ever present
Satanic cult
by Louseal Brown
"That you, Ted?" "OK, I'll see you in the coffee
"No, no! Just call me 'Deep shop."
Trout!' " "How will I know you?"
"You say you got a story?" "You won't, it's a secret."
"It'd be tough interviewing
someone who isn't there."
Bethel boogies down hot disco road
"We were just campaigning like
be a spy!" and we know for a fact that the
"Aw c'mon..." Approximately one month ago, showers were fixed two weeks
"Listen, I can't risk it. Can you the Ignorance and Apathy party ago.
reach me?" was formed to ensure democratic
"I suppose." process, "or something like that" "We investigated and found a
couple of really suspicious looking
guys. Right away I knew we had
caught the 'Plumbers.' They
claimed that the toilets were
broken, but we knew better. Ob-
Koldstreak, assistant professor of When questioned about this ap- viously, they were spies, sent to
physical education, was accepted parent inconsistency, the most fre- find out our campaign strategy." -
in the physical education cui- quent response from these "ready
riculum after persistent cries from to groove" conservatives was,
students and faculty during the "what do you mean—this is the
past few years as disco mania chance we have been waiting
spread across the country. for!!"
News of the class has caused an The onset of the disco craze at
uproar of excitement. Bethel has more than doubled the
One senior male said, "I've number of prospective students,
been at Bethel for four years be- according to the admissions of-moaning
my fate at not being able Tice.
to 'legally' dance. This class has "It seems likely that the new
changed everything—I can't feel class will have a widespread effect
sorry for myself anymore. My on- drawing in a whole new gathering
ly question is, 'what took you so of creative and coordinated young
long?' " people," said Jim Boast of the ad-
Contrary to popular opinion, missions office.
the disco class is not being avoided The music and theatre arts de-by
Baptist General Conference partments are particularly pleased
(BGC) students. A survey of with the disco dance offering. The
students enrplled in the class incorporation of disco dancing in-revealed
75 percent to be from the to their performances has been
"conservative" BGC. long awaited.
I told him he was being vague,
and begged him for some details.
He told me that he didn't dare to
say anything more, for fear that
"they" would get him.
"If they would do what they've
already done, who knows what
else they might not try?' were his
final words.
When I reminded "Deep
Trout" that the Ignorance and
apathy party had no campaign
strategy, he got visibly agitated
and referred to further crimes.
Once again it is almost time for
the semi-annual Bethel blood
drive. Usually the drive is met
with enthusiasm, but this spring
an opposing group has risen to
challenge the validity of such an
institution.
A small, but powerful group of
Bethel students are actively
fighting the blood drive this year,
and they hope to eventually spare
Bethel of this "atrocity" in the
future.
The students, who do not wish
to be disclosed at the present time,
have several rationales behind
their work, which they commonly
refer to as their "mission."
"To begin with," stated the
group's leader, "we believe it is
part of a Satanic cult, and that a
Christian liberal arts college
should have no part of it."
"Although the Red Cross won't
I asked him if he knew who was give an official statement on the
behind the diabolical plumbers, accusation of culthood, we have
but he merely nodded his bag and observed several traits that point
mumbled something about con- directly to it being Satanic."
spiracies between certain politi- The group claims that these
cians and the administration. traits include the ritual dress that
the cult administrators wear, their
arrival in windowless vans, and
their preoccupation with human
blood.
"We have documented
evidence that members of a Satan-ic
rock group each gave generous-ly
to the cult in the fall of 1977,"
cont. on page 4
page three
Spott Barfoon is the track team's first javelin catcher to enter competition.
Sensational trio create history
Chapel Schedule
Monday, Chuck Barris
Tuesday, Bob Eubanks
Wednesday, Dead convoca-tion
speakers, part I, Walt
Whitman
Thursday, Dead convoca-tion
speakers, part II, Elvis
Presley
Friday, Chapel by phone,
call 641-6213
.ti
Walt Whitman, first in the
series of dead convocations
speakers, will be in chapel next
Wednesday.
Backgammon game
instituted as sport
A new, but well-known sport at
Bethel has finally received enough
financial backing to become a var-sity
sport.
The new varsity backgammon
team, comprised of veteran
players who are yet rookies in
interscholastic competition, has
hopes of taking on well-established
teams from scholarly
schools such as Staferd and Harv-ing.
"We have a team that can
without a doubt play with some of
the best players in the country,"
said athletic director Cub
Renaldo. •
"These players, although never
recognized as a varsity team, have
put in a considerable amount of
practice in the past year."
There are some strict require-ments
for the team, and this will
limit those allowed to participate.
A team member must first of all
be a physical education major, or
at least have entered the weight
room • sometime this year with
serious intentions.
The player must also not have
any commitments during chapel,
since practices are held at this
time. A player finally must have
above average concentration
abilities, because all of the mat-ches
are held in coffee shop at-mospheres.
"We haven't got a coach yet,"
said self-appointed manager Mary
Jo Karousing, "but we think that
the combined experience of all the
players will make up for whatever
advice a coach could offer."
Mary, who has relinquished her
third-base position on the softball
team to devote all her time to the
backgammon team, added that
the team could use some enthu-siastic
support.
"We hope to get the fans ex-cited
about this new sport. It's not
as boring as it looks," she said,
"and despite what you've heard,
it's not difficult to understand. In
fact, I don't think anyone has
bothered to read the rules yet."
Sport Spewings
Hodge podge for twenty
by F. Quesnay
The baseball team is anxiously
awaiting its first game of the
season. This year the Royals will
play their home games on either
Bremer Field or Lake Valentine,
whichever is covered by less water.
* * * * *
To save money, the self-sufficient
hockey team is looking
for ways to cut costs. So they also
will be playing their games on
Lake Valentine. They also will try
out a new gimmick, an unbaked
sale. Cookie batter and cake mixes
will be- sold for inflated prices.
* * * * *
Rumor has it that Steve Car-rigan
may go haidship and soon
sign with the Denver Nuggets of
the NBA. The only snag in
negotiations seems to be the fact
that Carrigan is holding out for a
no-cut contract.
* * * * *
Bethel's soccer team will have
new uniforms for next season.
They will consist of argyle socks, a
pair of cut-off jeans, and a white
T-shirt with the caricatures of Jon
Fast and Dougie "Oi' Hage im-printed
on it.
* * * * *
With spring training coming up,
the football team is looking for
ways of making practices more
fun. One idea: paint a picture of
Cheryl Tiegs on the tackling dum-mies.
* * * * *
A major change is in the mak-ing
for women's basketball. Star-ting
next year, no dunks will be
allowed. Bethel Coach Kathy
Nevins calls this rule modification
"unfortunate" for her team.
* * • * *
Bethel is in the running for
recruiting high school basketball
All-American, 7'6" Ned Ceiling-stopper.
Ceilingstopper did not
even play basketball until he was a
junior because he could not walk
yet. Scouts now believe his only
weakness is that he keeps breaking
his hands every time he stuffs the
ball.
* * * * *
Big news: Track's budget for
this year has doubled over last
year. This $5 increase is a result of
two contributions from anon-ymous
givers.
by Dolly Patron
Did you know that Dimple,
Pimple and Simple were the
names, of three sisters who went to
Bethel years ago?
Their real names were Debbie
Impell, Pam Impell, and Sue Im-pell.
But due to some ironically
strange circumstances, their nick-names
matched their initials and
their physiques.
When Debbie smiled she was all
dimples. Even Donny Osmond
could not match her smile. She
advertised for Plarter's Peanuts
and earned enough to pay her tui-tion-
fees.
Poor Pam had dimples too, ex-cept
hers did not turn in like
dimples normally do. If she was
going to Bethel now, she would
probably be known as Zit Face, or
Pizza Face.
Frustrated by her acne problem,
she brooded over "miracle
cures," but nothing worked. Her
fans claim that she wrote the
original version of Janis Ian's "At
Seventeen."
(According to reliable sources,
Pimply Pam's face was so oily,
she produced enough grease to
make popcorn.)
Simple Sue was unpredictable.
It was rumored that she had an
Satanic blood,
cont. from page 8
stated the group's leader.
The group has divided itself in-to
two committees: the white and
red corpuscles. Each group is
assigned to a geographic location
on the Bethel campus to try and
avert the innocent from signing up
for the cultic practice.
"One of the craftiest ways the
cult works," said chairperson of
the Red Corpuscles, "is to prey on
the guilt of students who refuse to
give into the cult.
"Not only do organizers within
the student body plead for victims
airbag for a head. She was what
we would now call a Space Cadet.
As far as academics went, the
three sisters went their separate
ways. Dimple started off first and
within six months, she qualified
for her MRS degree. After that
she successfully completed her
Ph.T. (Putting Husband Thru
school).
Pimple was a pre-med- student
and made the Dean's list every
semester. Her thesis for her final
WAR paper was "Women are as
smart (if not smarter) than men."
- r(uSnhnee rc oofu tlhde eWasoimlye nb'se Lthibe m foovree--
ment.)
Outgoing and naive Simple
decided to major in Psychology.
But after taking her MMPI test,
she began to have doubts.
She was not surprised when her
Strong Vocational Interest test
scores indicated that she could
major in either music or drama.
So, during her sophomore year,
she switched her major to music.
But classical music and baroque
music bored her so she became a
drama major instead.
"At least you get to practice
moving to music," she explained
to the horrified Pimple.
"That's plain dancing!" Pim-ple
protested.
to join the cult, but they also
reward the participants with drug-ged
punch and cookies after .tak-ing
their blood to ensure they
forget all that took place during
the ritual. It's our mission to try
to inform students of their
methods."
"Last year, I worked with the
drive itself," confessed one quiet
committee worker. "I learned
from the inside what really goes
on, and I want to make sure it
never happens again."
"Good for my waistline," Sim-ple
replied airily. "Besides, the Bi-ble
says that we should dance..."
Pimple frowned disapprovingly
but held her peace.
The three girls also led contras-tingly
different social lives. Simple
was the social butterfly and her
datebook was always full. She was
always in the coffee shop, either
studying or otherwise.
In contrast, Pimple's diary had
one entry, "There is no social life
at Bethel... there are no men here,
only boys."
But Pimple's apparent lack of
social life did not deter her from
indulging in other acts. Her
friends have proven beyond a
shadow of a doubt that Pimple
organized and led all the raids on
the Edgren boys. She struck such
terror that her floor (3rd floor Bo-dien)
was never raided.
And Dimple, after her first Nik
Dag date, was too preoccupied
with her MRS degree to bother
about social life. She usually
studied in the library with some
"man" of her choice.
Spiritually, the three were at
different levels.
Simple joined the Bedside Bap-tist
Church because she was used
to Pastor Sheets. Besides, Sunday
mornings always found her
recuperating from Saturday night
fevers.
Pimple went to chapel whenever
there was a good speaker. She
went to church regularly but over-slept
sometimes. She also went to
Bible -studies during the week.
And Dimple went to all the
chapel services except convoca-tions
and Student Senate chapels.
She also visited a different church
every week.
More could be said about the
Impell sisters but time is running
out.
For more info, please contact
editor Shave Delly.
page fore

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Vol. 54? No. thanks
Bethel Collage, Arden Hole, MN April Fools, 1979
Job Corps controversy explodes into active threats
A week of peace and bright
hope for the future because of the
seeming resolution of the Egypt-
Israel conflict and the lull in far-east
fighting was marred on the
local scene by several boarder
clashes between the firmly entren-ched
Job Corps and advancing
CFH Coalition.
Threatened only verbally until
this week, the Corps' residents are
determined to hold ground against
the multi-headed attack.
The outmanned and under-equipped
Corps defense held a
spirited defense with a fierce bar-rage
of spit wads and paper clips.
Their main line, however, is an-chored
by "Big Nellie," a decrepit
civil war cannon.
The Coalition has used raw eggs
extensively and has claimed
several strategic victories.
Perhaps the Coalition's greatest
advantage is Coalition spokesman
and legal representative Ronald
"Spidey" Rice. Rice was the ar-chitect
of the original agreement
with lame duck Rudy Perpich and
is now said to have extremely
good rap-port with Governor Al
Quie.
Quie is currently considering re-questing
the services of the Na-tional
Guard to contain Big
Nellie. Rice has been spotted
several times entering the gover-nor's
mansion very late at night.
When questioned about his late
night rendezvous, Rice said, "So
what? Both me and Al can stay up
past midnight, can't we?"
Rice refused to comment on the
charges that his psychological
ploy of confronting Quie in a
super-hero suit is unethical. He
did say that all was fair in war.
"When the rights of my clients are
in jeopardy," he said, "I'll dig to
the very bottom of my bag of
tricks to win."
Although the Corps resents
_Rice's hard-nose stand, they re-main
remarkably willing to
by D.B. Cooper
As the rate of inflation soars,
money pressures for everyone
become greater. In an effort to
stay afloat, Bethel is considering
new measures to generate revenue.
Student tuition has been raised
a number of times in the recent
past. Since student complaints in
this area have been great, the ad-ministration
is looking for alter-native
ways of making money
within the college community.
One of the new measures being
negotiate.
Most critics felt that when
fighting broke out so soon after
the original agreement, signed just
four months ago in a summit
meeting at the Eau Claire county
fairgrounds with Wisconsin
governor-elect Lee Dreyfus, the
outlook for lasting peace was
grave.
The latest conflict occured over
a dispute on gym rights. In signing
a peace agreement last December,
Rice said, "We're pleased as
punch to have these kids move in-to
the neighborhood, as long as
they agree to let us run in the gym
at regular intervals."
Since then there has been much
discussion between leaders of the
two groups over the exact wording
of the agreement. The Job Corps
claims the CFH can use the facili- .
Como-Falcon Heights legal
representative Ron Rice.
considered is pay PO boxes which
would function in a similar way to
pay toilets (also being considered).
Pay POs would also eliminate
congestion in the post office area,
since students would check their
boxes less frequently.
Another possibility is the in-stitution
of admission for chapel.
Tickets would be sold at the booth
in the PE lounge, and discounts
would be given to students who at-tend
every chapel service. Dis-counts
would also be given for
cont. on page 2
ty under strict supervision on a
space available basis.
Rice countered yesterday,
"That's as good as no gym rights
at all. If I'd have kown that these
guys would take those words that
way I would have said it a whole
by Louseal Brown
Ever since the FA annex was
completed last year, Bethel
students have had the privilege of
enjoying two valuable works of
art, although many have been
unaware of this fact.
Originally there was to be no
formal recognition of the works to
avoid the cheap commercialism
that comes with secular advertis-ing,
but due to the overwhelming-ly
positive response from the stu-dent
body, the pieces have been
recently identified and given what
I feel is proper recognition.
Of course, I'm referring to the
left (meaning west) side, and the
bottom piece of the wooden sill in
the Student Accounts window at
the Bethel banking service.
The wood itself is a mixture of
cedar, lebanon, and pine, which
was brought from the Holy Land
and given to the school by an
anonymous donor.
"I felt this gift, more than
different way. Why with all the
activities they have we'd never get
in."
In the past four weeks, the gym
has been nearly booked solid with
the Corps' production of "The
Sound of Music," the first annual
1616?
anything else I might give to the
students at Bethel, would enhance
their educations, and inspire them
to continue into greater academic
and theological truths," said the
donor, in an unpublicized press
conference last week.
"We tried to place the carvings
in an area where a great number
of students would be able to enjoy
them," explained the annex's ar-chitectural
director, "so the bank-ing
window turned out to be the
logical place."
The placement of the pieces was
influenced not only by the fact
that many students came to the
window each day but also by the
fact that under normal cir-cumstances
each student would
have more than ample time to
study and absorb the beauty of the
work while doing transactions at
the bank.
"I think it was a great place to
arrange them," commented one
bank employee. "Not only does it
give the students something to do
marigold show, and a benefit pan-cake
dinner for Rudy Perpich and
Wendy Anderson.
Rice said, "How do you expect
our kids to compete with the
inner-city basketball teams when
they can't get floor time?"
while waiting in line, but I also
think it's attracted more business.
"People stand in line to get a
look at the carvings, and by the
time they get close enough they're
standing right in front of the teller
and they then feel obligated to put
money in the bank."
The only problems with having
the carvings at the banking win-dow
have been the congestion
they have caused, and some defac-ing
in the form of finger nail scrat-ches
around the time first semester
bills come out in the fall.
Although almost everyone
seems to think the banking win-dow
is the perfect place for the
carvings, they may be rotated to
other departments so a wider span
of people have an opportunity to
enjoy the work.
Possible locations for the carv-ings
during summer school are the
Xerox window in the AC building
and the book deposit slot in the
LRC.
Bethel battles inflation, seeks relief
with ingenious money-making gimmicks
Jan Hagstrom (sleeping) and Sheila Bennett (kneeling) tenaciously cling to 'Big Nellie,' the Job
Corps' last bastion of defense against advancing Moder troops.
Most lumberjacks support promiscuity
Onion
Bethel who asks why
Bethel's admissions office is really beating the bushes for anything that
will pay tuition these days, whether they admit it or not.
The trouble is, nobody knows what Bethel is. Why? Because
Bethelites don't know what Bethel is. You may say, "Bethel is people,"
but anyone who asks "Who?" is liable to leave you staring.
Socrates once said, "Know thyself." If he didn't then someone else
did. The impoitant thing is not who said it. It could just as well have
been said by Bob Snetvick from Escanaba, Iowa. But nobody knows
Bob Snetvick from Escanaba, Iowa, so that would make a poor illustra-tion
for this editorial.
At any rate, a lot of people struggle with the question "Who am I?"
today. Bethel is like that. And Bethel is people. Thus, Bethel is people
who don't know who they are.
As a result, nobody knows what Bethel is and hence the admissions
office can't admit what it doesn't know, and won't admit what won't be
admitted, whatever that means.
All this is to say that Bethel needs three things. It needs to know what
it is, it needs to know what it is talking about, and it needs to have a ti-tle.
First, to know what Bethel is, we need to know Bethel's roots. That's
jolly because roots are_ poplar these days. People wood rather leaf
through the family tree so they can bark about what relationship stems
from what.
Also, each student should memorize this introductory paragraph out
of the registration catalog:
"Bethel is a liberal college committed to an angelic Christian world
view. Libel arts learning at Bethel exhumes that students should not
themselves, blah, blah, blah...."
The staff of the Carrion has already mesmerized this portion, word
for word, as should be oblivious by the preceding paragraph. All who
do this will be able to tell perspective students exactly what Bethel is.
Second, Bethelites should know what they are talking about. They
sould be sound not only academically, but they should also be up on
currant events and have a propyl working vocabulary. Two mini students
lack basic skills in spelling and gradmar.
They should read the Carrion and be able to rescusitate portions from
memory.
Finally, Bethel needs to adapt a prominent title that will capture the
attention of the academic world. Just 500 .miles southeast of :here
Wheaton College is being acclaimed as the "Harvard of the Christian
world." Imagine the dignity of such a title for Bethel.
The Carrion proposes that Bethel be recognize as "the Wheaton of
the Christian world." Such a title would have perspective students
pounding at our doorstops. Shirley, that's what Bethel needs.
Ask Aunt Beulah
Inflation battle,
cont. from page 1
convocations where attendance is
expected to be light (meteorolo-gists,
faculty speakers).
A major change to be imple-mented
is the weighing of students
in the cafeteria. Instead of
weighing and pricing individual
food items, students will be weigh-ed
before and after eating and
charged $3 for each pound gained.
In this way, the cafeteria will
gain extra revenue from students
eating free foods such as water
and bulkier foods such as bars and
bread.
Food service is also contem-plating
placing a metal detector at
the cafeteria exit. This would
guard against the disappearance
of silverware that has become a
problem in recent years. It would
also prevent the smuggling of guns
out of the cafeteria.
A pay slot may be added for
anyone entering the bookstore.
An alternate proposal under con-sideration
by bookstore manage-ment
is requiring a $1 minimum
purchase before leaving the
bookstore.
TThhee office of parking and col-lege
grounds is considering ticket-ing
any birds parking and cooing
on trees on the college property.
According to the director of park-ing,
"This could be very expen-sive"
for any birds tagged.
One proposal that is surely
destined for defeat is the addition
of pay slots in the emergency exit
doors. Most administrators think
it would be too much of a hazard
for students caught without
change in their pockets.
Charging money for the Clarion
is the final measure being pro-posed.
In this writer's opinion,
that is the biggest joke of all.
Carrion
Carrion
Carrion
Shared Shellshock, editor
Woozy Sells, nooz editor
Grog Sniff, creative editor
and the other gang of
qualified jernalusts.
Advice for the desperate, the
brave, and for those who can't get
an appointment with Pastor Jim.
Beulah Daft is a certified aunt,
having a brother in Chattanooga
with three kids, the youngest of
which still wears braces. The
oldest—such a pity—has. never
been right since the accident.
Their middle boy is a holy terror.
His folks, Connie and Art (mar-ried,
'62), can never find a
babysitter dumb enough to come
over.
One Saturday night they had to
drive all the way to Tallahassee to
pick up some high-schooler nam-ed
Mildred who desperately need-ed
money for a typewriter she'd
picked out in a Sears catalogue to
take with her when she left for the
university. She really wanted a
Smith-Corona, but those babies
don't come cheap.
Ms. Daft is a PE graduate of
Bethel College, 1951.
Dear Aunt Beulah,
I can't stay away from Doc's
cookies. Help! I've gained 30
pounds and four dress sizes since
Welcome Week.
Sorrowful
Dearest Full,
Your problem isn't uncommon,
the Sapbox
Dear Editor,
I'm looking for Love.
Sometimes I spend entire
weekends away from Bethel (often
I'm not even back by Monday) in
my quest for Love. But whenever
I return to these Royals halls I
find Love is not here. If I ever get
Love, you may never see me
again.
Sincerely,
Phoebe Morgan
and there's a simple solution. I've
found that the jaw-wiring tech-nique
does the trick. See Dr. Bur-ton
(office hours 7:30-9 a.m. M,
W, F).
If this method isn't effective,
invest in one of those darling
posters that say "Those Who In-dulge—
Bulge."
Prayerfully,
A.B.
Dear Aunt Beulah,
This guy in my economics class
won't leave me alone. He follows
me everywhere, tries to carry my
books, and put packages of
"Sesame Seed Crunch" from the
bookstore in my PO. Do you
think he likes me?
Confused Sophomore
Poor Confused,
Ralph is so vengeful. I told him
I never wanted to see his face
again. Do you know what he did?
Made a terrible scene, right there
in the restaurant: leaped on top of
the table screaming and carrying
on. I was never so embarrassed.
He stormed out yelling, "You'll
pay, you'll pay." Evidently,
you've become the scapegoat.
Wake up, honey. He's using you.
Sympathetically,
Beulah
Dear Aunt Beulah,
I've recently heard rumors that
put your qualifications to counsel
in a bad light. Are they true?
Concerned
Concerned,
Ralph is so vengeful. I told him
I never wanted to see his face
again. Do you know what he did?
Made a terrible scene, right there
in the restaurant: leaped on top of
the table screaming and carrying
on. I was never so embarrassed.
He stormed out yelling, "You'll
pay, you'll pay."
Perceptively,
Auntie B.
Dear Aunt Beulah,
I take the 7:30 bus from Old
Campus on Tuesdays and Thurs-days.
My problem is a girl that sits
with me every day. The
clothespin-over-the-nose didn't
work; this girl doesn't take hints.
She's nice, but her breath is awful
Would I be doing her a favor by
telling her, or should I keep my
mouth shut?
Turning Blue
Dear T.B.
There are two methods to the
handling of a delicate situation
like this. Either you must indirect-ly
and discreetly affect a change,
or you can tell her straight out
that her breath smells like Lake
Valentine on a hot afternoon.
This latter choice could prove
dangerous, especially on a 7:30
bus. I would therefore recom-mend
the first option.
Begin your next early-morning
discussion with the following
natural-sounding phrase: "Par-don
me madam, I'm doing a study
for my anatomy class on lung
capacity. Would you mind helping
me with an experiment? Hold
your breath till Bethel Drive."
A second—though bit more
risky—answer would be to offer
her a cup of coffee laced with
Listerine. Past success with this
solution has been limited. Be
careful.
Best wishes,
A. Beulah
Confidential to B.R.I.A.N.
J.O.H.N .S.O.N.
Bed-wetting can be overcome!
Don't say anything about it to the
rest of the team. If this gets out,
you're cooked.
Respectfully,
Ms. Daft
Life got you down? Someone on
your back? Tell Aunt Beulah
about it. Include interesting
details and minimal perusal fee.
Write via PO 2381.
page too
New Spite planned,
competion set for '88
FLASH
LRC
annex
collapses
Seconds ago the new LRC
annex collapsed into a
smoldering pile of debris.
There were no fatalities, but
several tons of bricks and
girders trapped Food Pro-cessor
Kracher Graham in a
large steam kettle.
Unconfirmed reports say
the cause of the collapse may
have been faulty colloring in
some strategic tiles on the sup-porting
mosaic. One construc-tion
worker was heard moan-ing,
"I know green would
have held better than brown, I
know it would."
"It's terrible," sobbed one
freshman woman. "Those
buildings were supposed to
last longer than that, weren't
they?"
I
by Woozy "frog" Sells
Plans are now being made for
the publication of Bethel's first
decabook, the Spite. The Spite
will replace the old yearbook and
will cover ten years rather than
one.
"Based on past experience with
the yearbook, we felt that we
would need ten years to meet all
our deadlines," explained editor
Debbie Johnson. "Besides, we
want to cover all the years that
were missed when the Spire didn't
come out."
"I think the Spite is a great
idea," commented one student.
"It will be something we can show
our kids and our grandchildren
after we leave Bethel."
At present, the Roster and
Passages take the place of the
yeatbook. These publications will
continue, however. ,The Spite will
be "an extra treat," Debbie said.
"The Roster and Passages just
don't capture the spirit of Bethel
the way the Spite will be able to,"
she added.
Barring strikes at the printers
and future paper shortages., the
Spite's projected publication date
is "sometime in 1987-1988 at the
latest," Debbie claimed.
"The Spite will be available in
the student senate office—free-for
all students who graduate bet-ween
1977 and 1987," Debbie ex-plained.
"It would be too much of
a hassle to send them out to every-one,
and expensive too. I'm sure
students won't mind coming here
to pick them up."
"We will send students their
Spite if they send money to cover
postage, provided there is no
postal strike or construction in the
post office that might slow
delivery."
Pictures covering the last two
years will be taken from old Car-rion
photos. "You do keep them
on file, don't you?" Debbie ask-ed.
Working on a fresh theme,
Debbie has chosen "People are
bricks." "Bethel is bricks has lost
all meaning," she explained.
"People use that phrase so much.
`People are bricks' is original."
"We want to have lots of
photos of the new dorms (which
should be completed by then),
with closeups of the bricks. We
feel that the bricks represent the
building and growth of Bethel
over the years." Informer spills guts, rats on snooping Plumbers
by John Van Analyst
The air cif - celebration wa s
heavy in the air.
Steve Ohswell had just blazed
through the Carrion office singing
"We Done Overcome" and danc-ing
the Latin Hustle. I was trying
to find another slant on the elec-tions,
and Paul was putting
together a story about fiscal ir-responsibility
and why he liked it.
I had almost figured out a sure-fire
title for my article when the
phone rang.
"Carrion."
"Van Analyst? My name is
`Deep Trout,' and have I got an
expose for you."
by Nononannette
Rapid recurrent beats have
finally converged at 3900 Bethel
Drive with the initiation of the
new physical education
class—disco dancing.
The new class, being offered
during the second half of spring
term, has met wide acceptance
among students.
The originally planned six sec-tions
were expanded to ten sec-tions
under pressure from
students, especially seniors, when
the classes closed quickly during
registration.
Disco dancing will provide two
P.E. components for students,
and the possibility exists for one
extra component upon entrance in
a disco dance contest at one of the
local discos.
The class, being taught by Dave
"Boy, do I ever! Listen, you
wanna know the true story behind
the elections....the corruption, the
lies, the whole story?"
"oh yeah...0K. I'll tell you
what...I'll be at the back wearing
a paper bag over my head."
I wasn't really expecting much,
but I went and talked to him
anyway. He wasn't very coherent,
as he spent much of his time
changing the sound of his voice,
but his story was explosive.
"The whole story?" everybody else. Y'know drawing
"Yeah. Listen, is your phone moustaches on the posters, and
tapped?" stuff like that. But something very
"Gee, I don't know...I'll ask fishy was going on. I began to
David." hear noises coming out of the
"No! Don't do that. He might drains in our campaign offices,
as "Deep Trout" put it. Im-mediately
the lawless forces of in-stitutional
politics went on the of-fensive.
I asked my informant about the
nature of these offenses, and his
reply was shocking.
Students fight
ever present
Satanic cult
by Louseal Brown
"That you, Ted?" "OK, I'll see you in the coffee
"No, no! Just call me 'Deep shop."
Trout!' " "How will I know you?"
"You say you got a story?" "You won't, it's a secret."
"It'd be tough interviewing
someone who isn't there."
Bethel boogies down hot disco road
"We were just campaigning like
be a spy!" and we know for a fact that the
"Aw c'mon..." Approximately one month ago, showers were fixed two weeks
"Listen, I can't risk it. Can you the Ignorance and Apathy party ago.
reach me?" was formed to ensure democratic
"I suppose." process, "or something like that" "We investigated and found a
couple of really suspicious looking
guys. Right away I knew we had
caught the 'Plumbers.' They
claimed that the toilets were
broken, but we knew better. Ob-
Koldstreak, assistant professor of When questioned about this ap- viously, they were spies, sent to
physical education, was accepted parent inconsistency, the most fre- find out our campaign strategy." -
in the physical education cui- quent response from these "ready
riculum after persistent cries from to groove" conservatives was,
students and faculty during the "what do you mean—this is the
past few years as disco mania chance we have been waiting
spread across the country. for!!"
News of the class has caused an The onset of the disco craze at
uproar of excitement. Bethel has more than doubled the
One senior male said, "I've number of prospective students,
been at Bethel for four years be- according to the admissions of-moaning
my fate at not being able Tice.
to 'legally' dance. This class has "It seems likely that the new
changed everything—I can't feel class will have a widespread effect
sorry for myself anymore. My on- drawing in a whole new gathering
ly question is, 'what took you so of creative and coordinated young
long?' " people," said Jim Boast of the ad-
Contrary to popular opinion, missions office.
the disco class is not being avoided The music and theatre arts de-by
Baptist General Conference partments are particularly pleased
(BGC) students. A survey of with the disco dance offering. The
students enrplled in the class incorporation of disco dancing in-revealed
75 percent to be from the to their performances has been
"conservative" BGC. long awaited.
I told him he was being vague,
and begged him for some details.
He told me that he didn't dare to
say anything more, for fear that
"they" would get him.
"If they would do what they've
already done, who knows what
else they might not try?' were his
final words.
When I reminded "Deep
Trout" that the Ignorance and
apathy party had no campaign
strategy, he got visibly agitated
and referred to further crimes.
Once again it is almost time for
the semi-annual Bethel blood
drive. Usually the drive is met
with enthusiasm, but this spring
an opposing group has risen to
challenge the validity of such an
institution.
A small, but powerful group of
Bethel students are actively
fighting the blood drive this year,
and they hope to eventually spare
Bethel of this "atrocity" in the
future.
The students, who do not wish
to be disclosed at the present time,
have several rationales behind
their work, which they commonly
refer to as their "mission."
"To begin with," stated the
group's leader, "we believe it is
part of a Satanic cult, and that a
Christian liberal arts college
should have no part of it."
"Although the Red Cross won't
I asked him if he knew who was give an official statement on the
behind the diabolical plumbers, accusation of culthood, we have
but he merely nodded his bag and observed several traits that point
mumbled something about con- directly to it being Satanic."
spiracies between certain politi- The group claims that these
cians and the administration. traits include the ritual dress that
the cult administrators wear, their
arrival in windowless vans, and
their preoccupation with human
blood.
"We have documented
evidence that members of a Satan-ic
rock group each gave generous-ly
to the cult in the fall of 1977,"
cont. on page 4
page three
Spott Barfoon is the track team's first javelin catcher to enter competition.
Sensational trio create history
Chapel Schedule
Monday, Chuck Barris
Tuesday, Bob Eubanks
Wednesday, Dead convoca-tion
speakers, part I, Walt
Whitman
Thursday, Dead convoca-tion
speakers, part II, Elvis
Presley
Friday, Chapel by phone,
call 641-6213
.ti
Walt Whitman, first in the
series of dead convocations
speakers, will be in chapel next
Wednesday.
Backgammon game
instituted as sport
A new, but well-known sport at
Bethel has finally received enough
financial backing to become a var-sity
sport.
The new varsity backgammon
team, comprised of veteran
players who are yet rookies in
interscholastic competition, has
hopes of taking on well-established
teams from scholarly
schools such as Staferd and Harv-ing.
"We have a team that can
without a doubt play with some of
the best players in the country,"
said athletic director Cub
Renaldo. •
"These players, although never
recognized as a varsity team, have
put in a considerable amount of
practice in the past year."
There are some strict require-ments
for the team, and this will
limit those allowed to participate.
A team member must first of all
be a physical education major, or
at least have entered the weight
room • sometime this year with
serious intentions.
The player must also not have
any commitments during chapel,
since practices are held at this
time. A player finally must have
above average concentration
abilities, because all of the mat-ches
are held in coffee shop at-mospheres.
"We haven't got a coach yet,"
said self-appointed manager Mary
Jo Karousing, "but we think that
the combined experience of all the
players will make up for whatever
advice a coach could offer."
Mary, who has relinquished her
third-base position on the softball
team to devote all her time to the
backgammon team, added that
the team could use some enthu-siastic
support.
"We hope to get the fans ex-cited
about this new sport. It's not
as boring as it looks," she said,
"and despite what you've heard,
it's not difficult to understand. In
fact, I don't think anyone has
bothered to read the rules yet."
Sport Spewings
Hodge podge for twenty
by F. Quesnay
The baseball team is anxiously
awaiting its first game of the
season. This year the Royals will
play their home games on either
Bremer Field or Lake Valentine,
whichever is covered by less water.
* * * * *
To save money, the self-sufficient
hockey team is looking
for ways to cut costs. So they also
will be playing their games on
Lake Valentine. They also will try
out a new gimmick, an unbaked
sale. Cookie batter and cake mixes
will be- sold for inflated prices.
* * * * *
Rumor has it that Steve Car-rigan
may go haidship and soon
sign with the Denver Nuggets of
the NBA. The only snag in
negotiations seems to be the fact
that Carrigan is holding out for a
no-cut contract.
* * * * *
Bethel's soccer team will have
new uniforms for next season.
They will consist of argyle socks, a
pair of cut-off jeans, and a white
T-shirt with the caricatures of Jon
Fast and Dougie "Oi' Hage im-printed
on it.
* * * * *
With spring training coming up,
the football team is looking for
ways of making practices more
fun. One idea: paint a picture of
Cheryl Tiegs on the tackling dum-mies.
* * * * *
A major change is in the mak-ing
for women's basketball. Star-ting
next year, no dunks will be
allowed. Bethel Coach Kathy
Nevins calls this rule modification
"unfortunate" for her team.
* * • * *
Bethel is in the running for
recruiting high school basketball
All-American, 7'6" Ned Ceiling-stopper.
Ceilingstopper did not
even play basketball until he was a
junior because he could not walk
yet. Scouts now believe his only
weakness is that he keeps breaking
his hands every time he stuffs the
ball.
* * * * *
Big news: Track's budget for
this year has doubled over last
year. This $5 increase is a result of
two contributions from anon-ymous
givers.
by Dolly Patron
Did you know that Dimple,
Pimple and Simple were the
names, of three sisters who went to
Bethel years ago?
Their real names were Debbie
Impell, Pam Impell, and Sue Im-pell.
But due to some ironically
strange circumstances, their nick-names
matched their initials and
their physiques.
When Debbie smiled she was all
dimples. Even Donny Osmond
could not match her smile. She
advertised for Plarter's Peanuts
and earned enough to pay her tui-tion-
fees.
Poor Pam had dimples too, ex-cept
hers did not turn in like
dimples normally do. If she was
going to Bethel now, she would
probably be known as Zit Face, or
Pizza Face.
Frustrated by her acne problem,
she brooded over "miracle
cures," but nothing worked. Her
fans claim that she wrote the
original version of Janis Ian's "At
Seventeen."
(According to reliable sources,
Pimply Pam's face was so oily,
she produced enough grease to
make popcorn.)
Simple Sue was unpredictable.
It was rumored that she had an
Satanic blood,
cont. from page 8
stated the group's leader.
The group has divided itself in-to
two committees: the white and
red corpuscles. Each group is
assigned to a geographic location
on the Bethel campus to try and
avert the innocent from signing up
for the cultic practice.
"One of the craftiest ways the
cult works," said chairperson of
the Red Corpuscles, "is to prey on
the guilt of students who refuse to
give into the cult.
"Not only do organizers within
the student body plead for victims
airbag for a head. She was what
we would now call a Space Cadet.
As far as academics went, the
three sisters went their separate
ways. Dimple started off first and
within six months, she qualified
for her MRS degree. After that
she successfully completed her
Ph.T. (Putting Husband Thru
school).
Pimple was a pre-med- student
and made the Dean's list every
semester. Her thesis for her final
WAR paper was "Women are as
smart (if not smarter) than men."
- r(uSnhnee rc oofu tlhde eWasoimlye nb'se Lthibe m foovree--
ment.)
Outgoing and naive Simple
decided to major in Psychology.
But after taking her MMPI test,
she began to have doubts.
She was not surprised when her
Strong Vocational Interest test
scores indicated that she could
major in either music or drama.
So, during her sophomore year,
she switched her major to music.
But classical music and baroque
music bored her so she became a
drama major instead.
"At least you get to practice
moving to music," she explained
to the horrified Pimple.
"That's plain dancing!" Pim-ple
protested.
to join the cult, but they also
reward the participants with drug-ged
punch and cookies after .tak-ing
their blood to ensure they
forget all that took place during
the ritual. It's our mission to try
to inform students of their
methods."
"Last year, I worked with the
drive itself," confessed one quiet
committee worker. "I learned
from the inside what really goes
on, and I want to make sure it
never happens again."
"Good for my waistline," Sim-ple
replied airily. "Besides, the Bi-ble
says that we should dance..."
Pimple frowned disapprovingly
but held her peace.
The three girls also led contras-tingly
different social lives. Simple
was the social butterfly and her
datebook was always full. She was
always in the coffee shop, either
studying or otherwise.
In contrast, Pimple's diary had
one entry, "There is no social life
at Bethel... there are no men here,
only boys."
But Pimple's apparent lack of
social life did not deter her from
indulging in other acts. Her
friends have proven beyond a
shadow of a doubt that Pimple
organized and led all the raids on
the Edgren boys. She struck such
terror that her floor (3rd floor Bo-dien)
was never raided.
And Dimple, after her first Nik
Dag date, was too preoccupied
with her MRS degree to bother
about social life. She usually
studied in the library with some
"man" of her choice.
Spiritually, the three were at
different levels.
Simple joined the Bedside Bap-tist
Church because she was used
to Pastor Sheets. Besides, Sunday
mornings always found her
recuperating from Saturday night
fevers.
Pimple went to chapel whenever
there was a good speaker. She
went to church regularly but over-slept
sometimes. She also went to
Bible -studies during the week.
And Dimple went to all the
chapel services except convoca-tions
and Student Senate chapels.
She also visited a different church
every week.
More could be said about the
Impell sisters but time is running
out.
For more info, please contact
editor Shave Delly.
page fore