Some things that will definitely happen in Toronto in 2015

At 4:35 pm, Mr. Earl Mitchell, of Pape and Gerrard, becomes the last person to successfully hold to his New Year’s resolution: “Make an effort.”

January 9

Even John Tory forgets whether it’s SmarTrack or SmartTrack.

January 21

Remember that swan dress? The one Bjork wore to the Oscars? Drake wears it to a Raptors game.

January 25

Toronto’s hottest new brunch restaurant debuts. The gimmick? Every dish is based on a Bill Murray film. Brunchmore closes within a month, despite the popularity of dishes like Toastbusters II with Space Jam, The Boiled Hen ‘n’ Poms, and What About Raab, as well as the restaurant’s in-house craft beer, Operation Jumbo Hop.

February 2

It takes John Tory 417 solid, rational days of work before he realizes he’s continually reliving the same eighteen hours, Groundhog Day–style. He eventually escapes the loop by parting his hair in the opposite direction.

February 7

The Buffalo Bills win both the Super Bowl and the Grey Cup.

February 14

Rick the Temp and Sarah Polley go on a date.

February 15

The novelty of John Tory being Not Rob Ford officially wears off. Torontonians decide that, rather than the lesser of two evils, their mayor should be someone they actually, actively like. Under the new system, mayors will be installed for one-month shifts. Political and other qualifications will not be considered.

February 16

Tom Hanks is named mayor of Toronto.

February 22

Drake invents a basketball move called the Drake Shake. It consists of saying, to Raptors team members, “Hey watch me shoot! Hey guys??” and then accidentally dribbling the ball off his foot.

February 26

Justin Bieber is arrested for petty theft, and released without incident.

March 1

Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti claims to have won a critical vote in council yesterday, February 29—but 2015 isn’t a leap year. Everybody refuses to sit next to him anymore. This is viewed by pundits as an attempt to force his resignation.

March 5

Unexpected controversy arises when Margaret Atwood says something.

March 8

Toronto’s hottest new brunch restaurant debuts. The gimmick? It’s also a speed-dating service. Because of server confusion arising from diners switching chairs every three minutes, Friends with Benedicts closes within a month.

March 11

Drake wears a zoot suit to a Raptors game. When he gets too hot, he appeals for help over the PA system, but he has forgotten to turn on the microphone, or doesn’t know how.

March 15

Gordon Lightfoot wins a Juno Award for Best New Artist.

March 16

Mayor Wanda Sykes. History’s sassiest mayor.

March 23

Live on Metro Morning at 6:42 a.m., Matt Galloway debuts a Bane impression, literally 3 years too late. (The impression itself is strong.)

April 1

As an April Fool’s joke, Drake leaves a handwritten two-page note for each Raptor, saying that he won’t be carrying all the team’s luggage to the plane before and after each game anymore. Then when they turn around, Drake is standing there with a handwritten note saying he was kidding!!! (And a tulip for each player.)

April 5

Giorgio Mammoliti’s chair is moved to the Toronto Islands, and he’s forced to Skype in to council. This is widely viewed by pundits as an attempt to force his resignation.

April 7

Drake suffers a luggage-related injury. “Guess I’ll have to go on the injured reserved list guys, but I’ll be back on the court in no time!” he shouts emotionally to his fellow Raptors, who left on a plane to Philadelphia two hours ago.

April 16

You guessed it: Benedict Cumberbatch is in charge now, friends.

17 April

After a brief experiment in implementing British culture in Toronto, including reversing the usual way of writing the date, Cumberbatch is impeached. This is surprising, because Toronto mayors can’t technically be impeached. CUMBER-PEACHED!, shout all the headlines, which almost but doesn’t quite work, you know?

April 18

Mayor The Other Guy From Sherlock.

April 24

Unexpected controversy arises when Margaret Atwood writes something.

May 3

Justin Bieber is arrested for petty perjury, and released without incident.

May 9

Justin Trudeau is elected Prime Minister of Canada, the turning point in the election having come when he was made both a Chapters Heather’s Pick and NOW Magazine’s Readers’ Choice, at which point everyone else dropped out of the race.

May 10

Stephen Harper joins the cast of Beatles tribute show RAIN.

May 16

Hope you like Mayor Anne Murray, because that’s what it is now.

May 22

After 48 years without a Stanley Cup, the Toronto Maple Leafs are cancelled.

June 4

The Toronto Raptors win the NBA championship. Drake is almost invited to the victory party, which he follows closely on Instagram.

June 8

Toronto’s hottest new brunch restaurant debuts. It’s an Indonesian-Ethiopian-Haligonian-Vietnamese-Cambodian-Russian fusion joint. It serves mostly eggs Benedict. It never opens and is declared a massive success.

June 11

Giorgio Mammoliti is forced to make all declarations to council via Twitter DM. This is widely viewed by pundits as an attempt to force his resignation.

June 13

Unexpected controversy arises when Margaret Atwood cooks something.

June 16

Toronto, meet Steve Buscemi. Steve Buscemi, meet Toronto, the city of which you are now chief magistrate.

June 19

Though no one asked, Rob Ford announces that he can’t attend the Pride parade because he’s going to be at his family’s cottage, which as it happens is now located in his living room.

June 21

Justin Bieber is arrested for petty extortion, petty grand larceny and petty obstruction of justice, and released without incident.

June 23

Live on As It Happens at 6:42 p.m., Carol Off debuts a Borat impression, literally 10 years too late. (The impression itself is weak.)

June 24–July 15

Nothing. It’s too hot.

July 16

Carrie Brownstein, of Portlandia and Sleater-Kinney fame, is named mayor of Toronto. During her reign she never once leaves the intersection of Queen and Ossington.

Live on The Vinyl Cafe, at the time that show is on, Stuart McLean debuts a Joker impression, literally 50 years too late. (The impression is of Cesar Romero’s Joker from the 1966 Batman television series.)

September 30

After 22 years without a World Series, the Toronto Blue Jays are cancelled.

October 3

Giorgio Mammoliti is forced to make all declarations to council via an “Only Me” custom Facebook status that can’t be seen by anyone but him. This is widely viewed by pundits as an attempt to force his resignation.

October 8

Unexpected controversy arises when Margaret Atwood crafts something.

October 12

The Bay starts playing Christmas music.

October 16

Mayoral Streep.

October 23

Giorgio Mammoliti’s office is moved to the top of the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, the world’s tallest building. This is widely viewed by pundits as an attempt to force his resignation.

Honest Ed’s, scheduled to be shut down for good on December 31, 2016, closes one year early, so all people presently in the store have adequate time to find their way out.

December 31

John Tory has been out of the public eye so long that people are pretty sure they like him, and he’s reinstated as mayor. Steven Page re-joins Barenaked Ladies. Justin Bieber moves back home to Stratford. Howie Mandel grows his hair back. Honest Ed’s gets a 10-year lease extension, which is great because those people were never going to make it out. Everything is as it was. Everything is as it was.