While I appreciate that so many people have applied to be part of the incoming class at Broadway University, I’m afraid that you’ll have to take a rigorous entrance exam to prove that you’re worthy.

If you’re accepted, you’ll be able to take Theatrical Management from Mr. Goldstone and Business Management from Miss Marmelstein. Avoid Mr. Cladwell – a terrible man with tenure -- but if you’d like to get down to brass tacks, Miss Turnstiles teaches a course that’s bluntly named “How to Get Asses in the Seats and Feet in the Standing Room Area.” But who’s considered to be the most effective teacher in the entire business department? His name is Mr. Snow.

Enroll in Magic with Mr. Mistoffolees, Costume Design with Miss Celie and Dancing with Mr. Bojangles. You have an excellent choice with History 101, for Miss Liberty towers over everyone, but Mr. Adams is almost as effective; it’s just that he’s obnoxious and disliked by many students. And yet, some pupils say that that they prefer him to the terminally boring Mr. Monotony.

Mrs. S.L. Jacobowsky teaches Jewish-Gentile Relations. Mrs. Sally Adams is an expert in Diplomacy, with Lichtenburg legalities her specialty. There’s a teacher in the Home Economics Department who’s a pushover for gifts, so if you’re smart, you’ll bring presents for Mrs. Rogers. Mr. Livingstone, I presume, will be your first choice for Anthropology. He is every inch a gentleman, and thus an easy marker. However, if you’re really looking for a sure “A,” take Pop Culture with Mr. Clown.

By the time you’re accepted into Broadway University, we hope to have a new dean in place; unfortunately the recently-hired Dean Jones abruptly left after only a month. We DO have a lovely interim dean, so be sure to meet Miss Blendo before her replacement takes over.

Who can resist a celebrity-studded faculty such as this? So in honor of all of them, the test lists 50 lines and lyrics that cite other celebrities. The shows from which they spring come from BOTH Broadway AND off-Broadway and are all chronologically arranged to make the test easier. Answers must arrive by Sunday, Aug. 31 by 11:59 p.m. at pfilichia@aol.com

Oh! I almost forgot! Also on the faculty, albeit on the Chicago campus, is Mr. Cellophane.

1. “You’re the nose on the great Durante.”

2. “Who the hell is Sally Rand?”

3. “I’m Carmen Miranda.”

4. “He may have hair upon his chest, but, sister, so does Lassie.”

5. “Major Bowes? Steinbeck’s prose?”

6. “I sure had to hassle and hustle buying tickets for Rosalind Russell.”