Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Exploring the light

I don't know myself out of the darkness.

I don't know how to act with people. Don't get me wrong, I know I didn't act well with people before, but I had a pretty well established mode of operation: try to pretend I'm invisible, barely speak, and if I speak (or even if not) generally give off a negative, almost toxic vibe. I'd spend a good deal of huge social occasions (i.e. parties, dances) off in corners, miserable because I wanna join in the fun but I felt I couldn't. It's similar in all areas of my life. I'm having a hard time actually acting, and I'm starting to wonder if it's because I'm between habits. So many of my routines were negative.

I know that I'm getting better, but I don't know what to do. I'm slowly degrading old programming, but I don't really know what to put in their place. Could go all cliche and say I need to learn to "be myself," but what the fuck does that actually mean? Acting natural? Well that doesn't work, it still takes effort too much of the time to not be a depressive positivity-killer.

It feels like I'm getting to know myself when I talk to other people as much as they are. I don't know who I'm becoming. I have faith that it's something better than who I was, but that's about as far as I really know. So, yeah, it's interesting.

But life keeps moving. I'm drawing closer to my performance goal date, which scares the shit out of me especially since my body doesn't seem to agree with my desire to practice (I'm all aches and stiffness). I'm moving closer to having to work back into school, which similarly scares me because I'm still a ball of confusion. I have to keep moving. I have to keep working on becoming whoever it is I'm becoming, because I can only be in chrysalis form for so long before it gets unhealthy.

It's time to come out and start drying my wings so I can see what they look like. ... Guess this metaphor might break down at self-awareness, but whatever. XD