For all its faults (shrinking audiences, terrible brain-dead programmes, rank hypocrisy etc), Channel 4 is nothing if not loyal.

Six years after the ludicrous Bear Grylls apologised for laughable TV fakery, Britain’s least successful mainstream broadcaster continues to hail him as a macho hero.

So here he is dispensing invaluable gravel-voiced advice as 13 “ordinary” British men and no women attempt to survive in the inhospitable wilderness.

Welcome to The Island With Bear Grylls. Which, in the interests of accuracy, should really be called The Island With Bear Grylls Not On It.

While reality TV’s rugged Robinson Crusoes forage for food and water in harsh conditions, the smirking star of the show relaxes elsewhere.

After ferrying his victims to their insect-infested island in the merciless sun and then abandoning them, Bear growled: “I’m not going to sugarcoat this. It’s going to be a really hard.”

But not for him.

In any case, what’s the problem? Why don’t they do what Grylls did when he was braving the wilds of California’s Sierra Nevada mountains for his Born Survivor series?

Check into a hotel and dial room service. And not just any hotel... a hotel famed for its breakfast blueberry pancakes. Delicious!

This hardy Old Etonian also has form on the island front. When viewers were under the impression he was marooned on uninhabited terrain, he was in fact in Hawaii. Where he retired to a comfortable inn every night. No wonder he was cruelly nicknamed Born Liar...

But back to his latest tough-guy claptrap... and should the intrepid adventurers encounter any wild animals they ought to check them before running scared.

Because, who knows, they might turn out to be like the dangerous grizzly bear that – er – Bear found rummaging around his camp on the Discovery Channel’s gritty production Man vs Wild.

Bear Grylls (Photo: Channel 4)

Sensibly, Bear beat a safety-first retreat. “There’s definitely something out there,” he whispered. There certainly was. That ominous silhouetted figure in the darkness was a bloke wearing a panto outfit.

Sure, Mr Grylls is an undoubted expert on survival. But with his television track record is he the right person to lend credibility to Channel Bore’s desperate bid to score a rare hit?

Is he the right person to be Chief Scout for that matter?

But enough of him, and on to The Island’s Pacific pilgrims who – unlike Bear – had no camera crew to turn to in their hour of need. Good move to get them to film themselves. At least they are genuinely on their own.

Sadly, episode one was a monolithic tribute to clueless fire-lighting. Took them two days. By the time they finally succeeded, I’d stopped caring.

But some of the diverse characters were mildly entertaining...

Call centre Ryan and his swastika tattoo... who was stunned into motionless terror by the spectre of scorpions and snakes.

Neurologist Sam... who got stung on the face by a jellyfish but rejected the urine-based cure.

“I’m not p***ing on my face!” he stormed. Ryan: “I’ll p*** on your face if you want.” Thanks.

Obligatory gay Dean. And OAP Tony... who deludes himself that being a former copper makes him a natural leader.

The pretend premise is that this halfway amusing telly nonsense is a serious social experiment. How will modern British man fare without the hi-tech trappings of 21st century civilisation?