One Too Many Thoughts

So, I'm going to try writing this in a somewhat new format, as there are a good number of things on my mind to write about, but I can't focus on one for long enough to write about it fully. Therefore, I'm going to do this in point-form, and see how I feel at the end of it:

• Dan, I spent nearly ten hours in the kitchen today making cookies and other goodies for the meet tomorrow. Do you think you could acknowledge that, or maybe even say "Thanks"?

• I am really curious to know how much you know, Xion. To the best of my memory, I haven't told you anything about my personal life from before I met you, yet you seem to know that I decided to go it alone for a while. Who told you that / where did you get the information, and how much more do you know?

• Furthermore, even though you have some information that I don't recall giving you, you're not entirely correct about certain things. I appreciate you saying "You really take the snow cat thing seriously, and I do find it cool. I couldn't do that", but asking me how long I'd been "doing it" for is surprisingly presumptuous. That association was made because of the way I feel and act, learned from past experiences, not the other way around, which is what you seem to believe. I'm only glad that the answer I gave supports my stance. I'm not sure if you're aware of my thoughts on being furry, but I'm trying not to be the same way, as I don't understand a majority of what they do.

• If the door is nearly closed when you come into the room, then please return it to the same position when you leave, Dan. I apologize if that sounds demanding for this being your apartment, but I closed it because the noise from the living room was distracting, and making me feel worse

• Me: why the hell are you here for the furmeet if you can't stand being around even one fur (aside from Dan, Xion, and Bungee) who you don't know? It's fine enough to try and make it sound like they've knowingly done something to upset you, but they haven't. They're just here, and you're getting twitchy (which is putting it in the kindest way possible) because suddenly it feels like you don't matter. Go out to the zoo on your own tomorrow, and then head out to the shopping center you and Dan went to back in December. If only it weren't for all of those snacks you made

• I know it's wrong of me to jump to conclusions, but you're good, Dan. I can see what you're trying to do here: get me used to hanging out with a small group of people, and increase it every time, so I can get back to where I was before? No. Not going to happen. Maybe you're just trying to offer me something fun to do, but there are good reasons I opted to keep away from them before. At least on the good side, this has led to an interesting thought about what would happen if the furmeet went badly (for me, that is).

Let's first assume that the specific trigger doesn't matter. Something would just happen to set me off bad enough that I couldn't contain it, after which I can see myself asking Dan for his keys to retrieve something from the apartment, then going back up there, and packing up all of my stuff and dragging it downstairs to just outside the party room. I would leave my backpack and rolling bag just outside the door, and walk in as if nothing was the matter, give Dan his keys, and go back outside to retrieve my belongings, then head down to the subway station, then to Union Station, and get a train ticket to go back home. I would rather be in a comfortable place, and home, or on the way home would be the best option. I wonder if that would ever happen? Alternately though, I could of course just come back up here and lay down in bed and mope for the rest of the day, which has its benefits too (less expensive, and shows that there's actually something wrong, instead of just disappearing and leaving them to wonder). If anything should happen tomorrow, I will probably do that, which could be made easier by Xion saying he'll probably stay up here for most of the time, and only head down there when needed, as Chris wasn't able to make it back, and he doesn't want to take part without him there.

It's time I was getting to bed though. I'd like to continue thinking about my options, but can't do that when this still needs to be posted. I suppose if worse comes to worse tomorrow, I'll help to set up and take stuff down / clean up, which is all that really matters to me. Xion seemed kind of taken aback when I told him I couldn't see myself doing much socializing, but it's true, so we'll just... see. I think that's the best anybody could say for right now...