Turning to prostitutes instead of PMO

I consider PMO far less damaging, but still when I am aggravated beyond a certain threshold, usually, fresh out of a relapse, and having a really shitty first, second or whatever day. I turn to finding a prostitute (doesn't matter if it's transgender, transvestite or female), all I want is an O.
But recently this has become my new hell, I feel afraid of myself. This has happened twice.
This post is more of a confession and a vent instead of any help-seeking.
I know this mustn't go on, I've already told myself that this was the last time (tonight). To me, it is an abhorrent sin, one that hurts me and a complete stranger. It is worse than cybering, and any other PMO variant, simply because it is the transference of my addiction into a much more real mould. And that is the beginning of my end to me.
I guess I just want to know if someone else has had to suffer through the same. If anyone successfully defeated their demons in this regard.

I consider PMO far less damaging, but still when I am aggravated beyond a certain threshold, usually, fresh out of a relapse, and having a really shitty first, second or whatever day. I turn to finding a prostitute (doesn't matter if it's transgender, transvestite or female), all I want is an O.
But recently this has become my new hell, I feel afraid of myself. This has happened twice.
This post is more of a confession and a vent instead of any help-seeking.
I know this mustn't go on, I've already told myself that this was the last time (tonight). To me, it is an abhorrent sin, one that hurts me and a complete stranger. It is worse than cybering, and any other PMO variant, simply because it is the transference of my addiction into a much more real mould. And that is the beginning of my end to me.
I guess I just want to know if someone else has had to suffer through the same. If anyone successfully defeated their demons in this regard.

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I have had sex with prostitutes before. I’ll PM you on this one how I defeated this

Stay strong brother, you need to. If need be then just MO or even PMO. Both are less evil than using someone else for the same end i.e. just O, no emotions at all.
The only advice I can give to you is, at first make sure you don't give yourself the opportunity, and then mentally make sure you use this time to make a back up plan for emergencies.
I have no intention of spending time outside my residential block e.g. after sun down. I am, God Willing, going to stick to that, and also to using the quickest most used routes to go to and from places.@seaguy44
Thanks brother, I will try to use what you've shared aswell. May God Guide Us all.

Stay strong brother, you need to. If need be then just MO or even PMO. Both are less evil than using someone else for the same end i.e. just O, no emotions at all.
The only advice I can give to you is, at first make sure you don't give yourself the opportunity, and then mentally make sure you use this time to make a back up plan for emergencies.
I have no intention of spending time outside my residential block e.g. after sun down. I am, God Willing, going to stick to that, and also to using the quickest most used routes to go to and from places.@seaguy44
Thanks brother, I will try to use what you've shared aswell. May God Guide Us all.

i think you are being too hard on yourself. Unless you spend too much money or put yourself or others at risk i don't think there is anything wrong with having sex with SW. And whether they are transgender or not is irrelevant.
Take care, brother.

I consider PMO far less damaging, but still when I am aggravated beyond a certain threshold, usually, fresh out of a relapse, and having a really shitty first, second or whatever day. I turn to finding a prostitute (doesn't matter if it's transgender, transvestite or female), all I want is an O.
But recently this has become my new hell, I feel afraid of myself. This has happened twice.
This post is more of a confession and a vent instead of any help-seeking.
I know this mustn't go on, I've already told myself that this was the last time (tonight). To me, it is an abhorrent sin, one that hurts me and a complete stranger. It is worse than cybering, and any other PMO variant, simply because it is the transference of my addiction into a much more real mould. And that is the beginning of my end to me.
I guess I just want to know if someone else has had to suffer through the same. If anyone successfully defeated their demons in this regard.

i think you are being too hard on yourself. Unless you spend too much money or put yourself or others at risk i don't think there is anything wrong with having sex with SW. And whether they are transgender or not is irrelevant.
Take care, brother.

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I do put myself and others at risk bro, where I live, when I black out, I don't even stop to consider protection. And it isn't about the rights and wrongs of sex with sex workers. This is something I personally detest, to use other people just as objects of self gratification. Plus it goes against my faith extremely hard.
With PMO, even cybering, at the very least one isn't physically abusing another's helplessness. The prostitutes in my country aren't in it by choice, they are driven to it through poverty and extremely poor conditions. It isn't some hygienic brothel either, I'm talking about the ones that are picked from the side of the road, do the deed, and then get dropped off the same. It is also illegal, and carries punitive punishments in my jurisdiction. I'm talking serious prison time and then some. Also I am strongly against prostitution, that is primarily what I detest about porn too, it is literally recorded prostitution, they hide behind the guise of art, but really everyone knows the honesty in that. If I can't make the situation any better, I sure as hell don't wanna make it worse.

And spiritually it literally makes my insides crawl and scream, I feel like I'd throw up to even think about what I did. This is completely not who I want to be or become, ever. That is why I am here, trying to make sure it doesn't EVER happen to me again. And in the process to stand by those who may be suffering at their own ill-planned choices and trajectories.
Everyone who knows this pain, May God Help us all out of this dark abysmal condition.

I do put myself and others at risk bro, where I live, when I black out, I don't even stop to consider protection. And it isn't about the rights and wrongs of sex with sex workers. This is something I personally detest, to use other people just as objects of self gratification. Plus it goes against my faith extremely hard.
With PMO, even cybering, at the very least one isn't physically abusing another's helplessness. The prostitutes in my country aren't in it by choice, they are driven to it through poverty and extremely poor conditions. It isn't some hygienic brothel either, I'm talking about the ones that are picked from the side of the road, do the deed, and then get dropped off the same. It is also illegal, and carries punitive punishments in my jurisdiction. I'm talking serious prison time and then some. Also I am strongly against prostitution, that is primarily what I detest about porn too, it is literally recorded prostitution, they hide behind the guise of art, but really everyone knows the honesty in that. If I can't make the situation any better, I sure as hell don't wanna make it worse.

And spiritually it literally makes my insides crawl and scream, I feel like I'd throw up to even think about what I did. This is completely not who I want to be or become, ever. That is why I am here, trying to make sure it doesn't EVER happen to me again. And in the process to stand by those who may be suffering at their own ill-planned choices and trajectories.
Everyone who knows this pain, May God Help us all out of this dark abysmal condition.

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God's involvement stops the moment we do it despite knowing this is forbidden... God's just and if we go and make a deal with the devil, he can't help us, it's up to us to move back and extract ourselves before he can step in...
Take the necessary steps yourself, you know what they are and then God will help you without your realising it and you'll be free in due time.
But keep waiting for God and you're bound to be in the same mess forever...

Prostitutes are an addiction. Quite often they'll fool their clients that they are having fun. But all they want is some money and regular clients. It's just like gambling. Inside the gambling den, the people befriend a new client and make the client win the first few rounds. Once the client becomes a regular they start looting him.

You're aware that visiting prostitutes is something you detest and something you don't want to keep doing.

I don't think it's useful to keep telling yourself all the bad aspects of it. You already know it's bad.

My question would then be:

What is it about prostitutes that attracts you? Why are you going to prostitutes in the first place? What makes you feel the need to visit prostitutes?

Would you mind sharing that with us?

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It is a mixture of the same things that lead to relapse (bad feelings, wanting to just disappear or go completely numb, fear of never really changing) but also because I seem to know that PMO isn't going to give me any benefit at all, I trt to go a level above that in my perversion and go for the "real thing", I should add that I have never had intercourse with any one of them, and God Willing, never ever will out of wedlock (if and when I get married). It was once a bj, with light patting both ways, and the second time it was a hand j, with me also touching hers privates (I am shuddering as I write this cuz of the shame it's bringing up).
But what gets me to go there is, I guess, for the longest time it was a darker "fantasy", a part of the larger web of BS that being addicted to PMO made me knit in my mind. Recently, I've finally got independent transportation, and that has made it opportune to "live out" those BS fantasies that I never thought I would go through.
There was a very distinct phase of my addiction where I was attracted to exhibitionism, because of the "thrill" of the shamefulness in it.
The things that are going through my mind when I am in that state are the struggling voices that keep telling me to turn back before it's too late, and the cunning and conspiring voices that I channel in that moment because of the deadness I feel beforehand.
It is primarily the rush of novelty plus shock plus doing something I wasn't "allowed or able" to do. The exact same cocktail that made me even do so many perverted things in my alone time through PMO. It is a very dangerous amd VERY direct evolution of that.
And as I had long suspected, this trajectory is driving me into the ground HARD. That's why almost 2 years ago I got serious about kicking this addiction. But unfortunately, I feel since the underlying issues are all still jumbled (depression, self worth and self esteem issues, a general lack of enthusiasm for life, as well as downright suicidal thoughts based both on just feeling completely worthless and empty as well as just not wanting to be a part of a world so cruel, cold, and selfish and careless) up, whilst my life goes through probably the hardest part of it in terms of my professional career, means that my addiction has had almost equal opportunity to grow, pervert and manifest in new ways. Using even what I learn against me (like how keeping on PMOing is a dead end for a bigger hit of dopamine, to name but one thing that my mind twists up in those moments).
I have had a long run of slowly decaying to much lower and lower and lower levels of perversion during the peak of my addiction years, CONSCIOUSLY I felt like the worst of it was behind me, but every now and again it just comes crashing somehow, and I just stand there and let it happen as my mind goes "this is the real you, you will never be anything more than this, stop pretending and lying that you could ever be any better, just look at what you are doing you hypocrite!"

But what gets me to go there is, I guess, for the longest time it was a darker "fantasy", a part of the larger web of BS that being addicted to PMO made me knit in my mind. Recently, I've finally got independent transportation, and that has made it opportune to "live out" those BS fantasies that I never thought I would go through.

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In what way do you feel that living out these fantasies is contributing to your life?

If you didn't live out these fantasies, what would you feel you're missing out on?

The things that are going through my mind when I am in that state are the struggling voices that keep telling me to turn back before it's too late, and the cunning and conspiring voices that I channel in that moment because of the deadness I feel beforehand.

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When you're driving towards prostitutes you already made the decision.

Have you considered stopping at the root? Which is no sexual fantasies at all, no peeking at escort sites, no checking out girls in public?

But unfortunately, I feel since the underlying issues are all still jumbled (depression, self worth and self esteem issues, a general lack of enthusiasm for life, as well as downright suicidal thoughts based both on just feeling completely worthless and empty as well as just not wanting to be a part of a world so cruel, cold, and selfish and careless) up, whilst my life goes through probably the hardest part of it in terms of my professional career, means that my addiction has had almost equal opportunity to grow, pervert and manifest in new ways. Using even what I learn against me (like how keeping on PMOing is a dead end for a bigger hit of dopamine, to name but one thing that my mind twists up in those moments).

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If you had unlimited energy and willpower and you could choose one goal to focus on (besides quitting the addiction), which would it be?

None, they are just something my mind fixated on since long ago as a controlled sexual escape. "Controlled" is another thing that I lack in my life, not just in my personal space (where it's willful), but I've just never had a lot of authority, so I've always felt like it was me against the world whenever I wanted to put my thoughts and decisions first.

In what way do you feel that living out these fantasies is contributing to your life?

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None, it is a self destructive pattern of behaviour that leads me to them, and the reality crumbling around me afterwards that makes me see just how far I've went astray.

If you didn't live out these fantasies, what would you feel you're missing out on?

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What I would miss on? The experience I suppose, because I lived a very sheltered life, acting out sort of became the only way to feel like I make my own decisions.

When you're driving towards prostitutes you already made the decision.

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I KNOW

Have you considered stopping at the root? Which is no sexual fantasies at all, no peeking at escort sites, no checking out girls in public?

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That is what I do in sobriety not checking or peeking, it goes great, then I stumble upon some trigger, and a lot of times I am able to handle it and get my thougjtsthoughts straight, but sometimes it all falls sideways.

If you had unlimited energy and willpower and you could choose one goal to focus on (besides quitting the addiction), which would it be?

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Finding my path to my Lord, exploring spirituality on my own terms, and leading a positive, God-aware life till my time comes. I would feel content regardless of the circumstances of my life, because I would be Close to the One I Love the most (or Who I want to Completely and Utterly Love the Most, to surrender myself in His Presence), and Who Loves me more than even my parents ever could.

No, just a deeply rooted, problematic behavioural addiction coupled with the chase of dopamine.

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OK, I just never heard the term "black out" other than about alcoholism - where I learned about it first hand. With alcohol, the black out is about not even remembering what I did, rather than what I did.

OK, I just never heard the term "black out" other than about alcoholism - where I learned about it first hand. With alcohol, the black out is about not even remembering what I did, rather than what I did.

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I suppose the term used here is "Auto-Pilot", I guess that explains it better in my case.

I do put myself and others at risk bro, where I live, when I black out, I don't even stop to consider protection. And it isn't about the rights and wrongs of sex with sex workers. This is something I personally detest, to use other people just as objects of self gratification. Plus it goes against my faith extremely hard.
With PMO, even cybering, at the very least one isn't physically abusing another's helplessness. The prostitutes in my country aren't in it by choice, they are driven to it through poverty and extremely poor conditions. It isn't some hygienic brothel either, I'm talking about the ones that are picked from the side of the road, do the deed, and then get dropped off the same. It is also illegal, and carries punitive punishments in my jurisdiction. I'm talking serious prison time and then some. Also I am strongly against prostitution, that is primarily what I detest about porn too, it is literally recorded prostitution, they hide behind the guise of art, but really everyone knows the honesty in that. If I can't make the situation any better, I sure as hell don't wanna make it worse.

And spiritually it literally makes my insides crawl and scream, I feel like I'd throw up to even think about what I did. This is completely not who I want to be or become, ever. That is why I am here, trying to make sure it doesn't EVER happen to me again. And in the process to stand by those who may be suffering at their own ill-planned choices and trajectories.
Everyone who knows this pain, May God Help us all out of this dark abysmal condition.

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I 100% agree with you. I struggled with it a few times too, I was looking around on these probably scamish casual sex sites, I don't know what I was thinking. I felt disgusting. I agree that porn is just glorified prostitution, a lot of them don't even want to be there, they are abused and taken advantage of because they feel they have nothing left.

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