August 10, 2015

Mikey has already moved and Ashley is still complaining as Jared and Clare head out on their date. What seems like a day sailing at sea turns into a bungee jumping trip off a crane jazzed up with a roof to look like a little tiki hut. Clare's nervous about the jump but Jared lays a smooch on her and it's smooth jumping while Clare yelps mid-air. Clare returns and gives a detailed recap of her date, much like I do for you each week, and doesn't fail to mention the kiss. Of course Ashley I. overhears and starts crying and making mad faces. But there still might be a chance for Ashley I. because Jared's weirded out by the age gap, so Clare accepts it's over before it even began.

Yet another dude arrives in Paradise, Michael from Desiree's season. He has his eyes set on Tenley, who he calls "Elevenly" which I think means he's attractiveness and not the pitch of her voice. Their date is pretty baller as they have a romantic dinner basically walking on water. The conversation is flowing and the couple hit it off, but suddenly an onslaught of mariachi players swarm the place and force them into a dancing date. Imagine a ninja invasion in any movie, but replace them with mariachi musicians. It's alarming but they have a blast dancing in the water. Man, Tenley is high in demand right now.

Continuing to beat this storyline to death, the whole gang notices Joe totally blowing off Juelia. He's pretty open that he's looking forward to Samantha coming and everyone hates this scummy move to such a nice girl. After openly declaring he rose would go to Joe, Jonathan takes Juelia aside to give a light warning and not just because he's probably going home because of her. After an earlier round of campaigning to Juelia, Mikey continues his plight to stick around out of selfishly wanting to stay but also wanting to protect Juelia from Joe's fake feelings. But Joe is able to smooth talk it all to assure he'd get the rose, including a kiss ending with "What are my intentions now?" which is the douchiest move EVER. Then Joe heads aside to talk to what I'm assuming is a producer to talk about how he wants to beat the crap out of Mikey in Jonathan, but in like an excessively violent way. This begins the Joe campaign for everyone to know he's into Juelia, eventhough he's not and just covering himself against the haters. Joe somehow forces/manipulates Jonathan to retract all his earlier statements to Juelia to validate Joe's "feelings" and take blame on himself for making this a game to stick around. And then Jonathan cries a lot. Dude, Joe sucks.

Right before the Rose Ceremony,Clare gives a speech about wanting love and many of the people there clearly aren't. Everyone is giving their STFU Clare face since most see it as her being upset that the guys aren't into her. At the Rose Ceremony, Jade makes a statement that she was offended by Clare's declaration since there are plenty of people there for love. So when it's time for Clare to hand out her rose, she walks out and the whole room groans that Clare just wants attention. When Ashley I. is mocking you, it's a bad night. But hey guess THREE HOURS isn't enough because it's TO BE CONTINUED. UGHHH.