Just some thoughts

In the darkness of my room, I find myself contemplating life rather often. Though this part of my life seems rather grim and there are many points where I am focusing primarily on the negative, there are many bright moments where I can’t help but smile. Due to recent requests, I will write a bit about what’s on my mind.

The world is an odd place. Growing up, you never really know what you’re getting yourself into. All you know is that growing up means you can be “free”, make your own decisions and make money. As a kid this sounds amazing. The idea of being able to go wherever you want, do whatever you want, or even more so that then, buy whatever you want. The overall idea of freedom is so embedded within a teenage mind that as a young adult you find yourself wanting this. Wanting it so bad that you let the fun years slip by.

Like many others, I didn’t exactly know what I was getting myself into. At the age of 16 I wanted to work but my parents didn’t want it getting in the way of school and refused to let me unless it was during the summer. Being a teenager was stupid to me, I felt like I was being oppressed and couldn’t do anything I wanted. I tried my hardest to grow up fast, because I wanted that freedom. I hit 18, and got a job in a restaurant, I started college and I was on my way to being an adult with all the freedom. That was the dream.

What I wasn’t aware of was the stresses that came along with it. Bills wasn’t a problem, working wasn’t a problem. The situation I had gotten myself into, now that was a problem. I moved out at 18, and got a house and allowed my boyfriend at the time and a mix of his and my friends live with us. Split the rent, right? Nope. Three of them didn’t have a job and two did. One of them paid on time always and the other, well he was always late. I constantly had to work more to make up for the amount the other three weren’t able to pay. Slowly it degraded into me taking care of almost all of them. I feel into a dark space and when I thought I had no way out, I remember. I’m an adult now. There is no one to help me, I’m on my own now. Was this the freedom I had been fighting for? Was this really what I wanted?

It was so odd to me. The freedom I had wanted, didn’t seem to exist and what freedom I did now have, only screwed me over. I couldn’t believe it. Years went on, and I noticed something, more so recently. My bad luck comes in horrible spats every two years. Every two years something happens that either costs me my job or my home.

Freedom. That was what I wanted. I got, the freedom to fail miserably.

Now this sounds all negative and such, but here comes what makes it all worth it. During all this failure, what did I accomplish?

-My associates degree. Something I had wanted for so long

-This blog. Something I didn’t even know I wanted

-Time to paint/draw. Something I was never able to do before

-Time to be creative. Though as a teenager this should have been possible. I was spending too much time giving away my fun times. Too much time letting my parents take it away from me.

-Gaming. Now this sounds weird. I’m an avid gamer, I love games. I’ve always played some form of game. However once I moved out a couple years later I was introduced to MMO’s and online gaming. It was a beautiful moment. A moment that would have never happened with my parents.

-Experience. This is going to sound like a reach, but I’ll go for it. Though I lost those jobs I didn’t lose the information I gained, or the things I picked up on. There are things from my restaurant job I was able to use in retail. There were things in my retail job that I was able to use in customer service. And I bet my next job I will be able to use my customer service skills in.

-Live and Learn. This is broad, however it made me learn about people. Not the people that you’re “told” to learn about, but actual people. The type of people that you’ll remember for the rest of your life, or the people you should have never trusted. I’m not quite as oblivious as I was prior.

-My muse. I may be more so of a writer than an artist, however the idea of a muse is something I can understand perfectly. This man.. This man is something special. Without him I would be nothing. I know that sounds emo as hell, but its true. I wouldn’t be me, if it weren’t for this man

The point is, there are many ups and downs to life. You will never have just one, even if something is going horribly there will always be something that went well. It is a matter of if you’re ignoring it or not. Life is about having fun, you only get one go, don’t let the happiness or rays of light pass you by.