If
you're anything like me (and you're not, because you're reading this at work,
whereas I've been sitting in front of the TV all day watching Gilmore Girls and eating Double Stuf
Oreos), you probably play a lot of automotive 'Would You Rather' with your
friends. This game is very enjoyable for
auto enthusiasts of all ages, because it brings about so many imaginary
possibilities. Unless you're playing it
with me, that is. In that case, it
usually goes like this:

Friend:
Would you rather have a Range Rover or a G-Wagen?Me:
Range Rover.Friend:
Range Rover or a Bugatti Veyron?Me:
Range Rover.Friend:
Range Rover or all the gold in the known universe?Me: Well…
is the Range Rover supercharged?

I had
the opportunity to play my own real-life automotive 'Would You Rather' last
week, when the press car people came by to drop off a 2014 Lexus LS460
F-Sport. For those of you who don't know
your luxury sedans, this is the top-of-the-line Lexus model, featuring all the
bells and whistles: navigation, cooled seats, Bluetooth, adjustable suspension,
swiveling headlights – you name it. It
also has that grille that scares small children.

Now,
before we get into this, I know what you're thinking. Namely: Are
you a complete idiot? After all, one
of these is a full-size luxury car, and the other is a used Ferrari. But consider this: the two cars cost almost
exactly the same. That means every time
you're driving around and you see an LS460, or an S-Class, or a 7-Series, you
know the owner could've chosen a used
Ferrari instead. In fact, he probably
spent a lot of time considering that all-important question: Do I buy a new luxury sedan? Or a
ten-year-old sports car that poses a bigger fire risk than an unattended space
heater?

Of
course, most of you would choose the Ferrari.
But before you do, I think it's important to remember one simple fact:
the Lexus is better in every objective way.
I mean, it's more comfortable, more reliable, and better-equipped; it
has a warranty, back seats, and a usable trunk; it's just as powerful, it's
cheaper to insure, and it gets better gas mileage. Also: you can park the Lexus anywhere without
worrying that someone will scratch it, thereby damaging its soul. Largely because it doesn't have one.

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As for
me, I decided to settle this issue the only way I know how: by making a
low-budget video. So turn up your
speakers, sit back in your office chair, and feel free to enjoy every uninformative
minute. There are four. As for me, I'm going back to the couch. I think Lorelai is about to finally get
together with Luke.

@DougDeMuro is
the author of Plays With Cars.
He owned an E63 AMG wagon and once tried to evade police at the Tail of the
Dragon using a pontoon boat. (It didn't work.) He worked as a manager for
Porsche Cars North America before quitting to become a writer, largely because
it meant he no longer had to wear pants. Also, he wrote this entire bio himself
in the third person.