Fearing another mass shooting attack in a theater like the one in Aurora six years ago at a showing of The Dark Knight Rises, patrons of the Harkins Mountain Grove 16 in Redland trampled one another to get the fuck out of the way. There were also erroneous reports of gunfire.

Police apprehended Michael Ray Webber, 28, and, after checking his home to make sure he wasn’t a “threat,” arrested him for “suspicion of offensive language likely to cause a violent reaction.”

Webber said he “preaches about God all the time at the end of movies,” and insisted he meant no harm. He sounds like a real fun guy.

Said witness Susie Arias on what went down at the Mountain Grove 16:

“As soon as the movie was over, this guy starts yelling, preaching and talking about repenting from our sins…At first, I thought it was a joke and some people even started yelling back at him, but then when he starts taking about guaranteeing our right to heaven and paying for our sins today, I think that’s when mass hysteria hit and some people started running out…”

Arias also referenced a couple of young women who apparently had quite visceral reactions to the commotion:

“I saw the girl…fainted, and someone was dragging her out; another girl in front of me was limping and going into a panic attack…”