Osama Bin Laden's Diary Found after the Raid

The US military announced that they found a diary that belonged to Osama Bin Laden after the successful raid of his compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan on May 2, 2011. Several excerpts of his last days are printed below.

April 1, 2011

The planned terrorist attack on an Israeli bus station in Tel Aviv failed today, due to our own incompetence.

Our best three terrorists Mohammed-Larry and Mohammed-Moe and Mohammed-Curly were to take a truck loaded with a bomb and park in front of the bus terminal and flee. The bomb was to be timed to go off at 2:00 PM. The three of them were leaving an alley which was 55 minutes from the bus station when they activated the GPS device. They thought that the time was 1:00 PM.

Damn, they forget about day light savings time.

Needless to say, they forgot to set their watches ahead an hour.

Damn April fools, and I thought 911 was awesome.

The three of them blew up just after the bomb activated while they were loading the bomb into the back of the truck.

Thank goodness the bomb went off before they put it on the truck. The truck was not damaged.

It is so hard to buy things today seeing that so few places take the Al Qaeda credit card anymore.

April 11, 2011

Our brilliant scientist Mohammed-Guy-Fawkes invented these little hollow black plastic things that resembled cat poop. We filled them all with nitroglycerin with the intent on having them loaded in cat carriers with cats that were going on a trip with one of our newly anointed terrorist who is not on the no fly list. No one would expect anything unusual. Even if security did see the cat poopy looking things, they would think nothing of it.

We figured that when the plane ran into some turbulence, the shaking would set off the bombs and blow a hole in its side and take it down.

Apparently, while we were deciding on an airport and flight, our cat Mohammed-Felix, took the bombs and buried them in the kitty litter box. When Mohammed-Guy-Fawkes went to change the kitty litter, he shook it and he and the kitty litter box blew up.

What was worse is that it blew up the microwave in which I was heating up the last burrito in the house.

Man, today, really sucked.

April 20, 2011

The grocery boy delivered a bunch of Campbell's soup cans with tabs. I am guessing that these were hand grenades that were being disguised as soup cans. We tried a few in the desert several miles outside of the compound.

It was a real bummer. None of them worked.

It's so hard to find good help nowadays.

May 1, 2011

We have been working on a disguise for me so that I can walk around in public. We tried a fake beard, but it just didn't cover up my real beard.

We did, however, come up with a new turban that had a propeller on the top of it. I figure I'll just carry some books around and tell everyone that I am a student at the International Islamic University in Islamabad. I believe this will work fine. I'm going to give this a try the day after tomorrow.