eSlang: In Defense of Not Treating The English Language as If It Owes You Back Child Support

The Internet has given rise to a number of curiosities, including our penchant for chat acronyms. Honestly, though? We kinda wish all of you would just STFU.

What I love about technology is that it’s given us so many different ways to communicate with each other. What I’m increasingly hating about technology, and to be specific, social media, is that it’s chipping away at one of the oldest methods of communication: words. Chat acronyms flood my Twitter and Facebook timelines daily and have been a constant pain in text conversations over the years.

Now, I try to be respectful of other people’s views. For example, despite thinking that only selfish, soulless corporatists find any of the tenets of modern conservatism to be virtuous; I don’t hate you or your Fox News-feasting brethren. Likewise, Jesus seems like the homie, but these days I limit my praise and worship to blasting screwed and chopped version of Mary Mary’s gospel music in the morning. And if you don’t share the fanfare of Lupita N’yongo I don’t judge you; I respect your right to be wrong.

But, there are two lifestyle choices that make me wince, or in some cases, force me to tame my inner Chris Brown. The first is a disdain of Beyoncé. As I say often, if you don’t like Beyoncé, you probably have some sort of personality disorder and I want you to stay far, far away from me.

A lot of people will use the 'It’s just text messages, social media, blah, blah, blah' excuse. Whether we are conscious of these actions or not, these habits carry over into our day-to-day interactions (you know, IRL) and highlight how terrible we are all becoming at communicating with one another.

The other thing that really snap, crackle and pop locks my last nerve is our heroin addict-like obsession with shorthand. Don’t get me wrong; I do agree that acronyms have their place. Sometimes it’s just easier to say NAACP, NWA, or YMCMB. That said, technology has coddled far too many of you fools and my eyes are sick of it.

Call me whatever you want, but if you text “HBD” instead of “Happy Birthday,” you’re a terrible person. It literally only takes a few additional seconds to type out the words. Hell, if you have an iPhone, it will more than likely auto-complete the word for you. By the way, why is it “HBD” when “Birthday” is one word? I guess this is what happens when you make an entire generation of students train to take a test versus teaching them things like language, or critical thinking.

Another that vexes me is “WYD.” Oh my God. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. When people send that to me, I sometimes think, “I mean, Cordellia’s adjustment wasn’t so bad on AHS: Coven.” I’ve noticed some of you younger folks have since shifted to “WUD," which is just disgusting.

Then there are the others such as, “IKR,” “OMW,” and the like.

Another standout is “IJS.” Really? “IJS?” Technically, you ain’t saying a damn thing, bitch. I’m getting riled up just typing this stuff.

Seriously, what's wrong with you people? Why do you hate typing? Have you not been using your fingers all of your lives? You know, video games, the remote control, the elevator, your cell phones. Are you so tired that you can no longer type more than three letters at a time?

The reality of it all: Most of you are not going to change, because at this point, that laziness is so deep in you it touches your big toenail. And yes, all of what I’m saying is very “Get Off My Lawn,” but I’m almost 30. So I’m allowed.

A lot of people will use the “It’s just text messages, social media, blah, blah, blah” excuse. Whether we are conscious of these actions or not, these habits carry over into our day-to-day interactions (you know, IRL) and highlight how terrible we are all becoming at communicating with one another.