Everyone In The U.S. Should Pitch In To Buy Fruit Baskets For Cristiano Ronaldo And Fatawu Dauda

The United States defied the odds and placed second in Group G, moving on to the Round of 16. But because the USMNT failed to salt away their spot on Sunday, today’s loss to Germany ended up being a nail-biter until about the 80th minute… of the Ghana-Portugal match.

At that time, the U.S. was down 1-0 to Germany and Ghana and Portugal were locked in a 1-1 draw. A goal for Ghana would have put them ahead of the U.S. on goal differential and put them into second place, ahead of the U.S.

For some odd reason, Ghana goalkeeper Fatawu Dauda batted away the loose ball, rather than securing it. It dropped right at Ronaldo’s feet, and the world-class striker did what comes natural to him: he scored. This angle shows just how easy it was for Ronaldo. Portugal took a 2-1 lead and the U.S.’s spot in the next round was safe.

The USMNT and its fans should thank Ronaldo, who ripped out the team’s heart with a 95th minute cross for a goal on Sunday; they should also thank Dauda, whose bone-headed move set up the easy score.

Let’s all chip in and buy them fruit baskets as a thank you. An XL Delicious Party Dipped Fruit Delight bouquet from Edible Arrangements costs $348. Two of them together, $696, before taxes. If all 317 million Americans (give or take) chip in, that’s just $0.00000219558 per person.

A small price to pay for peace of mind, don’t you think?

UPDATE: Looks like we’re not going to be able to use Edible Arrangements, guys. Here’s what they told us about sending a bouquet abroad: