With no Marion Barber, Romo will have to keep his throwing pinkie warm, as the expected wind chill at kickoff in Pittsburgh is going to be in the neighborhood of 7 degrees. In the meantime, I’d like to extend a hearty fuck-you-in-the-pants to NFL Network for playing Super Bowl XIII on loop all weekend, you jinxing assholes.

So how are Dallas fans dealing with yesterday’s news that Barber will be absent? Cautious optimism tempered with wisdom and restraint?

I love you, dipshit Cowboys fans. Don’t ever change.

Somehow this is only the third meeting between Steelers and Cowboys since Super Bowl XXX. Reading the chapter in Boys Will Be Boys about the game exhumed some rather unpleasant memories. But the most embarrassing for me was the fact that I bet our school’s equivalent of Jimbo, Dolph and Kerney $100 straight-up that Pittsburgh would win that game, knowing full well they weren’t gonna give me shit even if I won the bet. I was tired of being taunted that there was no way the Steelers were going to win and wanted the stupidest way possible to show I had faith in my team. Well placed, of course!

You stupid sexy, sexy kid!

Then two months later, I contracted Bell’s Palsy (Just like Jim Ross!) and had to spent the next five months getting electroshock therapy on my face to clear it up.

the herpes simplex virus type 1 (HSV-1) was identified in a majority of cases diagnosed as Bell’s palsy

Way to go Ape!

12.07.08 at 4:16 pm

TDub

OH, HI AMERICA.

12.07.08 at 4:16 pm

Gino Tourettesa

Chicks dig guys who’ve had electroshock therapy. It’s “edgy”.

12.07.08 at 4:16 pm

bobby steels

So how is it that Troy Aikman is calling ANOTHER Cowboys game?

12.07.08 at 4:16 pm

Ahmad's Bradshaw

I vote to convert this open thread to live blog

12.07.08 at 4:17 pm

Spatula

Nice shirt. Is that a coot?

12.07.08 at 4:19 pm

placekickerholder

Romo has problems with the jersey color thing and Polamalu Island does it again.

12.07.08 at 4:19 pm

Slothrop

Here comes armored Ben. CLANK CLANK CLANK.

12.07.08 at 4:19 pm

Spatula

Somebody needs to tell Romo about Troy

/or not

12.07.08 at 4:20 pm

Gino Tourettesa

Heinz Field hosted a couple highschool football games and a rodeo this weekend.

12.07.08 at 4:22 pm

bobby steels

One of the football games was followed by the Pennsylvania 4A slip’n’slide championships.

12.07.08 at 4:22 pm

porky1

…and that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be–Roy Cohn.

12.07.08 at 4:24 pm

twoeightnine

Why is there a cum stain on your jersey?

12.07.08 at 4:27 pm

Gino Tourettesa

“No, that wasn’t me. That was Mitch Kumstein.”

12.07.08 at 4:27 pm

ac

Wade with the puffy jacket – Michelin Man or Staypuft?

12.07.08 at 4:28 pm

Slothrop

is that the Stay-puff marshmellow man or Bibendum coaching the Cowboys?

12.07.08 at 4:30 pm

chris-bessmervin

I believe Wade has stashed a whole turducken and drunk Berry Switzer in his jacket.

12.07.08 at 4:32 pm

bobby steels

@ ac:

violet beauregard

12.07.08 at 4:38 pm

ChampSquad

Hahahah you went to white oak I went to Francis Scott Key.

12.07.08 at 4:39 pm

Slothrop

going for a long field goal at Heinz is always tougher the day after they reenact the sinking of the Bismark.

12.07.08 at 4:41 pm

Gino Tourettesa

I won’t get tired of Beyoncé’s “Lemme Lemme Upgrade”. She gets a rare pass.

12.07.08 at 4:42 pm

Slothrop

MDMidlSclFlaWa.

12.07.08 at 4:42 pm

Johnny Drama

DeMarcus Ware likes guys with big colorful balls on their chest.

12.07.08 at 4:43 pm

TDub

@Gino,

What did you think about TJack’s appearance?

12.07.08 at 4:46 pm

Unsilent Majority

I lost my middle school id in middle school.

12.07.08 at 4:46 pm

Austin

Ape- You reported that Cowboys post, right?

12.07.08 at 4:47 pm

Unsilent Majority

MDMidlSclFlaWa

PYLE RULES, YOU CANNOT DENY THIS!

12.07.08 at 4:51 pm

bobby steels

MDMidlSclFlaWa

Montgomery Village Middle School ’till the day I die, son!

12.07.08 at 4:51 pm

Gino Tourettesa

@ TDub

I’ve always been a TJack Booster. He’s got big talent (that’s for sure) but he has fucked up big in games (that’s for sure) but maybe this second shot will be the launching pad. As for the Vikes- they didn’t so much win as they failed to lose, but I’m happy anyway. I think Detroit’s going to run the table in reverse this year.

12.07.08 at 4:52 pm

robocats

Injury-kakke

or loser’s limp one of the two

12.07.08 at 4:54 pm

TDub

@ Gino,

I am in total “agreeance” with you. I have always been a Tj apologist, but we will see how this shakes out… Gus has fucked up a TON the last few games so maybe this is a blessing.

One thing I learned from my football days: O-Lineman are like 300 pound retarded children.

Ask them to do something other than stand in the way and you’re in trouble.

12.07.08 at 5:08 pm

Tracer Bullet

Ape, there’s a douchebag on FO who is convinced Tomlin is the worst coach in the league. Your thoughts?

12.07.08 at 5:22 pm

Drew Brees' Mole

Can the steelers stop with the fumbles damn it

12.07.08 at 5:23 pm

Slothrop

Who put vaseline on all these balls in Pittsburgh? I’m looking at you Troy Aikman.

12.07.08 at 5:23 pm

Drew Brees' Mole

Ben get owie, need holmes cock taco in mouth, fucking douchee

12.07.08 at 5:25 pm

Drew Brees' Mole

haha, now cmon steelers score a touchdown, damn if i lose my fantasy game cause of the dallas defense

12.07.08 at 5:25 pm

Mr. Pilkington

BEN NO LIKE STUDY.

12.07.08 at 5:29 pm

TDub

Hines no smirre.

12.07.08 at 5:30 pm

Otto Man

Revealing this much about your tormented childhood is a desperate cry for help, Ape.

And doing so in a blog post is like doubling down on the sadness.

12.07.08 at 5:30 pm

Boatdrinks

Just got home, out being helpful to humanity. *Yea, I know it sucks, I did get beer and cheddar stout soup though*.
Soo, I need one sentence on the Philly game and one sentence on Pittsburgh game so far. Challenge!

@ Boatdrinks: The Eagles win when Reid remembers Westbrook is the most dangerous individual in the NFL.

12.07.08 at 5:43 pm

Gino Tourettesa

Dick LeBeau. Nice

12.07.08 at 5:43 pm

Mike T

Thank you FOX for filtering this shitstorm of a game into SoCal! And no, I ain’t buying Joe Buck’s “all-time defense” spin.

12.07.08 at 5:56 pm

Gino Tourettesa

Wade Phillips in his Cowboys parka and hat make him look like that friendly, outgoing retard on public transportation who always singles you out for conversation. You have to play ball and entertain him, and everybody else is glad for your sacrifice.

12.07.08 at 6:00 pm

porky1

@Gino…

That guy apparently works at the McDonalds drive-thru near my house as well. Funnily enough, he seems to be 200% more competent and efficient at his job than any fast-food worker I’ve ever seen. He even knows what all the buttons on the register do. He just will…not…stop…talking. Ever.

12.07.08 at 6:02 pm

jawning

haha you went to white oak. does that make you a paint branch or blair kid?

oh. and fuck the cowboys.

/blair kid.

12.07.08 at 6:05 pm

georger

Nice flying pigeon jersey, good lord I am so glad those are history. What’d you go with, Marebear? Jags? Or the ever classy blank jersey like I had, which caught on fire in my dryer in high school and almost burned down the house.

Soo, I need one sentence on the Philly game and one sentence on Pittsburgh game so far. Challenge!

1) Giants vs. Eagles: The Giants can be beaten, and Brian Westbrook should always have two opposing players watching him, even if he’s just walking to his car.

2) Steelers vs. Cowboys: defense kicks ass.

12.07.08 at 6:14 pm

Gino Tourettesa

@ porky1

It’s just like a conversation with Emmit Smith- you don’t know what the hell he’s saying, but he’s so enthusiastic, so you just smile, nod and say “yeah” or “that’s great!” and pray for it to end- and it’s probably ending with a hug.

12.07.08 at 6:15 pm

Ahmad's Bradshaw

bwahaha thats how you do it ben

12.07.08 at 6:16 pm

Mike T

“…my quata-back. My teen-mate.”

12.07.08 at 6:23 pm

Ahmad's Bradshaw

Man Big Ben is a white Donovan McNabb

12.07.08 at 6:24 pm

Ahmad's Bradshaw

They are booing at Heinz field down by 7 halfway through the third quarter. Awesome.

12.07.08 at 6:34 pm

bobby steels

They’re booing because the offense is playing like shit and the punter is blasting 25-yarders like they’re going out of style

12.07.08 at 6:35 pm

Slothrop

As a Pats fan, I am just delighted by them scoring field goals and giving up touch downs. To Ufford’s Seahawks.

12.07.08 at 6:35 pm

Slothrop

PEW PEW PEW

12.07.08 at 6:36 pm

Duke of Madness

Fucking yinzers deserve it. Makes me laugh.

Except that the fucking Cowboys are winning, which pisses me off…

/finds more things to hate

12.07.08 at 6:39 pm

Gino Tourettesa

WADE vs. BEN: CRIPPLE FIGHT!

12.07.08 at 6:44 pm

Leid

What, no comments from Ape?

12.07.08 at 6:46 pm

Tracer Bullet

Brad Smith just got KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT.

12.07.08 at 6:49 pm

Mike T

Hey Toronto! Still want the Bills?!

12.07.08 at 6:51 pm

Slothrop

WELKAH!

12.07.08 at 6:51 pm

Mike T

That’s fucking hillarious!!!

12.07.08 at 6:51 pm

Otto Man

Your fucking Steelers are killing me, Ape.

12.07.08 at 6:52 pm

Boatdrinks

Fuck I hate when Joe Buck is right. And he gloats, bastard.

12.07.08 at 6:52 pm

Rich

For the 3rd time some cat in the ESPN ‘Streak for the Cash’ nonsense contest is one pick away from a million bucks, and once again he/she is going to fall one win short. Smells fishy.

But damn, kudos to these people for making 24 straight picks. Even in my wildest dreams I couldn’t give you 10 straight picks.

12.07.08 at 6:56 pm

Mike T

My Seahawks will not be denied in their quest for the 3rd overall pick. Out of our way, losers!!!

12.07.08 at 6:58 pm

Slothrop

not so fast, Mike T, Seneca Wallace didn’t get the memo.

12.07.08 at 6:59 pm

Drew Brees' Mole

Can a steelers for the love of God score a fucking a touchdcwn against this defense pleaseeee

12.07.08 at 7:02 pm

Slothrop

Ok, that might do it, Mike.

12.07.08 at 7:02 pm

Mike T

And right on cue, Wallace gets sacked. F__K! ‘Tommy from Quincy, you’re on the air.”

12.07.08 at 7:03 pm

rdg

So how about that Choice smoking the Steelers’ D?

12.07.08 at 7:03 pm

Otto Man

The audio just cut to static. I guess not even DirecTV can handle the annoying whine of Joe Buck.

12.07.08 at 7:04 pm

Otto Man

Reed banks it in. Someone’s gettin’ shirtless at a dive bar tonight!

12.07.08 at 7:08 pm

Otto Man

Tashard Choice = Taster’s Choice for mental defects

12.07.08 at 7:08 pm

chris-bessmervin

@Otto – Jello shots on Jeff tonight!

12.07.08 at 7:08 pm

Otto Man

No thanks, Chris. With Reed, the Jello shots are always literally on him.

12.07.08 at 7:09 pm

Mike T

Ben will look to secure the go-ahead choco-taco.

12.07.08 at 7:10 pm

chris-bessmervin

Well at least Jeff has the decency to shave his chest.

12.07.08 at 7:11 pm

Slothrop

no smirre.

12.07.08 at 7:11 pm

Otto Man

CATCH THE FUCKING BARR, HINES!

12.07.08 at 7:11 pm

Mike T

I could really use a TD by Wald here for fantasy purposes. That’s it.

12.07.08 at 7:13 pm

Otto Man

Mike Tomlin is offended by the pussiness of that spot.

12.07.08 at 7:13 pm

Mike T

Fuck you, Buck! Don’t give me that “all we could have asked for” bullshit! This game has been and will forever remain shit and nothing but the whole shit, so help me God!!!

12.07.08 at 7:15 pm

chris-bessmervin

Omar Epps is not amused by that spot.

12.07.08 at 7:15 pm

Otto Man

And again, Mike Tomlin is offended by the pussiness of that spot.

12.07.08 at 7:17 pm

Otto Man

I can’t wait to see how the Steelers fuck it up this time!

12.07.08 at 7:17 pm

deafjeff

Wow, I am old. I graduated high school in 87. By 96 I had a toddler. I think I might win oldest commenter.

Next Sunday: Bitter, pissed-off Cowboys vs. pissed-off, under criminal investigation Giants. That should be fun.

12.07.08 at 7:35 pm

chris-bessmervin

Wade – Gosh darnit your defensive played a heck of a game Mr. Tomlin.

Mike – Shut up cracker.

12.07.08 at 7:37 pm

robocats

Can we put an end to these Toyota commercials?

They took this truck and tried to kill it…but after they fixed it, it was no longer broken /cut to footage of tailpipe spewing smoke

Yeah, put me down for one of those….

12.07.08 at 7:39 pm

Gino Tourettesa

Wade Phillips in his Cowboys parka and ski cap looked like the kind of guy the United Way might feature in their commercials.

12.07.08 at 7:42 pm

Ryan Clark

Coach Tomlin is a wild nigga

12.07.08 at 8:23 pm

L

Choice will smoke the Steelers on that crappy field and the Boys will go on to miss the playoffs!

12.07.08 at 8:26 pm

Christmas Ape

Ahmad’s Bradshaw is a bitch. And the Steelers win. Neither is a surprise.

12.07.08 at 8:44 pm

Man Bear Pig

From Cowboys fans everywhere…

May you be mounted by a rabid dog. You are lower than rat excrement.

12.07.08 at 9:01 pm

Steve-O

Haha…Wildcats Unite!

I’m surprised you still have yours!

12.08.08 at 1:07 am

dibbly

too many cowboys fans at heinz tonight – we gotta put a moratorium on that shit. i had four fat mexican dudes in dallas jerseys behind me flippin out in pidgin english all afternoon.

12.08.08 at 1:52 am

Duke of Madness

@Boatdrinks: How much older? Class of ’82, myself.

/Please, God, let him be older…

12.08.08 at 6:43 am

Mark M

OMG that Cowboy fan wasn’t serious. Like I could only imagine what world he is living in. I bet you his dog is name Star, and he eats cheese grits while watching football tape, so he can study teams to have evidence, to prove such strong predictions. He might even have a PHD in game theory you never know. Either way I bet you he listens to Dolly Parton, while jerking it to Randy White Highlight tapes in his room!