I don't know what's wrong with me...

Hi guys. My name is Alison, and I'm new here. I guess I just wanted someone to talk to and I wound up here on the forum.

Before I posted this, I read through some of the threads of what's going on in other people's lives, and I really don't know what is wrong with me. My life really isn't that bad in actuality, but I just can't deal. I guess I'm just a weak person.

The short version of my story is that I go to a really difficult college, and I'm practically failing everything. I try so hard and barely ever sleep or hang out with friends, yet I'm still doing miserably. I used to have such big plans for my future, and now they're all crumbling right in front of me. I can't talk to my friends, my 'closest' friend has been telling me that I haven't been holding up my end of the friendship by being so unavailable, but it's not like I have a choice.

I cry all of the time now (for the past couple of months), I just can't stop. I hate sitting around and feeling sorry for myself since my life isn't really that bad. I hate the person I've turned into. Before I went to college I was happy/ confident / a good friend... now I feel like I'm just a waste of oxygen. I've fantasized about just taking a lot of pills, and it scares me, but I can't stop thinking about it. I just really don't want to exist anymore. I'm really close with my parents, they're the only people I'm close with nowadays, and I know they would be sad. But in the long run, I'm completely making them broke by making them pay $40,000 a year for my college when it's not like I'm going to do anything with my life anyways. So it's probably what's best for them. I don't even know anymore.

I'm sorry for being incredibly whiny and self-centered. Feel free to yell at me for being pathetic.

I don't think your pal should be pissed at you for devoting a lot of time toward schoolwork.

As for how to not fail, I have no idea how to help you. It seems like you are straining yourself as-is with your studies, but I would say seek out tutoring, go to instructor office hours, partake in after-hours study groups with classmates, whatnot.

With regard to the bigger picture, your aspirations falling apart in front of you, I very much know the feeling...

I wanted to be a doctor while I was in college. My motivation to complete all of the extra-curricular clinical hours and begin the medical school application process just died on me though. Still don't know if the failed dream cause the depression or if the depression caused the failed dream.

You know, untreated depression can make it harder to concentrate, and harder to study which will in turn influence your grades. It's a physical illness as well as a mental one. Withdrawing from friends is another symptom, as well as thinking of suicide.

Depression can be treated, it's just hard when you are in the middle of it to know that what is happening around you is a symptom, not reality. You start to believe that are a fuck-up, ruining everything, when in fact that feeling is a sign that you are sinking into depression. I read somewhere that when you start thinking of suicide it's like the red warning light in your car starting to flash that you need "servicing"....

If you can, work up the nerve and go to the health center or the counselling center at school. They are bound by confidentiality laws and won't tell your parents. Tell them just how you are feeling. There are many supports available to you there, from meds, to counselling. There are many supports here, online, too, in the form of all of us who have been there and are willing to listen.

I'm glad you found us and posted how you are feeling. Let me know how you get on?

Ha wow...are you me...from the future?! You are most certainly not weak or pathetic, you are just kind of lost right now. Obviously you have to be very bright and hard working to even make it to that college. However, right now you need to worry about yourself, not your grades. Sure they are important, but they aren't everything. One bad semester, or even a whole year, isn't going to ruin your future. Maybe you could try talking with your friend, explain what is going on. It also can't hurt to spend some time with her to remember why you are friends in the first place.

I'm not sure if I want to go to for counseling. My school has very high suicide rates (even though it's been improving since the 90's) and I heard if you go see the mental health unit and even hint that you are feeling suicidal that they will be all over you. We even have a random day off every month which is unofficially termed 'suicide prevention day' by both students and faculty. Honestly, I don't think my school really cares about us, its just that they kept losing money to lawsuits ... But that might just be me being cynical.

Anyways, I just want to thank you all for being so nice to me. It really is appreciated.

I have to finish a problem set for one of my classes now... hopefully I'll get at least 2 or 3 hours of sleep. Fortunately I've got lots of caffeine to keep me going :/

hun theres nothing wrong with u, everyone cries, everyone gets depressed. after all we are humans, its just the way we deal with things.

alison hun, if u want u dont have to c a councellour face 2 face, u can ring up help lines, talk to them through email. and who says u have to go to them for help. ? challenge ur self hun, create disrtactions, keep ur mind occupied.....

hun theres nothing wrong with u, everyone cries, everyone gets depressed. after all we are humans, its just the way we deal with things.

alison hun, if u want u dont have to c a councellour face 2 face, u can ring up help lines, talk to them through email. and who says u have to go to them for help. ? challenge ur self hun, create disrtactions, keep ur mind occupied.....