The Mexican

A man (Brad Pitt) tries to transport an ancient gun called The Mexican, believed to carry a curse, back across the border, while his girlfriend (Julia Roberts) pressures him to give up his criminal ways. The Mexican is all over the place: a romantic-black-comedy-action-fantasy that plays out like the retarded spawn of the Mexico story in Traffic and Dude, Where's My Car?. Who wrote this movie? The kid at the Taco Bell who's always stoned? Nothing makes sense. Oh, and it's also way too long and banal in all respects, from the recurring "metaphors" of everlasting love to the painful role James Gandolfini is forced to work with. Brad, stick to fighting. Julia, get some implants and go sue PG&E. • C