SRS Maybe a unique problem about death and inevitability

This problem has plagued me since I was 10 and with recent events, is starting to plague me again.

Growing up, my parents always told me, when I asked them about death, just dont think about it, don't even mention it. When I got to the age of 10 years old, I really began to think and came to the realization, its gonna happen to even me and my parents. At the time, I usually could think of an answer to make myself feel better, but this one I could not. For months on end, my parents spent time talking to me about it more, then friends of family then religious figures, but still I could never shake the feelings away.

I guess this all stemmed from my mom or dad, when they used to get mad at me, they threatened me, "well one day were gonna be gone and there's nothing you can do to bring us back.." In 1994, a uncle close to me died and I was messed up for several months. Everything I could normally do, I couldn't only because it didn't feel right for me to have fun since he was gone and even songs I used to love, reminded me of it. Only now, 11 years later, I am just starting to listen to those songs again. Now with my dad at age 70 and my mom at age 62, I can't help but wonder, in the next 20 years, that may not be here, and time is not getting any slower in passing. I find myself feeling unable to fully go out or even move out because im wasting time and should be spending it with them. I'm scared to death that when it finally does happen, I will have so many regrets and I should try my best to think up things I will need to know down the road now even though it doesnt make sense. I'm also scared of being alone when I get old. My fiancee and I spoke about this at length and so far there is no real answer we could come up with, but she reminded me that I shouldn't neglect my friends or other loved ones now, otherwise I'll really be alone.

I figure I'd pose my problem to OT and see what I get...what are y'alls takes on death and it being inevitable.

I came to terms with it a few years ago. My take on it is that everyone gets a limited amount of time here which varies from person to person, and that if you live life to the fullest and spend your time with the people you love, you'll have no regrets when they pass on. When they do, you can look back on your memories and think, 'yeah, we really had some great times together'.

It really came into focus for me a couple of years ago when my grandma had the latest of a spate of strokes. This one knocked out her short term memory and a good chunk of the long term as well. I spent a lot of time with her growing up and lived with her, just the two of us, for a while as well. So to see her go from lively and sharp to listless and not knowing my name was a hard blow. The best I can do is visit her at the care home she lives in and remember her for who she was and the effect she had on me during my formative years and not for who she is today.

I'm scared to death that when it finally does happen, I will have so many regrets ...

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Therein may lie your problem - that you have regrets. Well, it's not too late. All our parents give us emotional baggage. You don't have to get rid of it, just drop it through understanding. Speak to your parents, open your heart and let them know how you feel. Replace any hatred with love, so that when they pass away all you can remember is the good times, so that you only feel love in your heart everytime you think of them. Then they keep living in you.

What happens to people around the age of 10 stays with them for the longest time - it tends to over-colour the rest of their lives.

I had a friend who hated his mother. I kept explaining to him that he must get rid of this hate because when she finally passes away he would cry. When she passed away he howled because she died thinking that he hated her. So she died alone, instead of dying with love in her heart; she died heart broken. Therein lies your answer.

I wish you peace of mind. You may have to turn to religion to find that love. Then you may learn not to fear death.

Ah yes , go figure. Imagine you where to die would you like to see your parents,family ,friends and loved ones suffer in agonizing pain and grieve for many years to come over your death? Of course not you would want them to go on living and enjoy life and what little time they have left, so instead of dying for your uncle or anyone else start living for them,including your uncle would have wanted it that way.

If you live in the past, you will ignore your future. What are your plans for your life? To think about everything bad that could, maybe, possibly happen in like 60 years? By the time that happens life has passed you by.

Make a note of something good that happens every day and plan for a happy future.

i wonder abotu dieing alone alot, dont really worry about it because it wont be for a while, life is pretty damn long, alot can happen between now and then, you'll be ok, we all go through this kind of shit

im scared shitless of dying as well as all the loved ones around me .. but there isn't anything me or anyone else can do about it .. unfortunately its one of those sad facts of live that everyone has to deal and cope with. live each day like its your last .. corny as that sounds .. its true.

Wow. I have no help for you, but I was struck that your problem isn't unique at all. That is how the western hemisphere, and most especially America, looks at death. Your problem is really emblematic of a larger problem.

You might do well to look at the eastern, 'rebirth' thing. Even if you don't take it literally, karma is pretty soothing in regards to death and dying.

I try to ignore it as much as possible, but there is one other think that gives me hope, that maybe by the time I'm old, life spans will have increased so much that I won't have to die (or at least my life will be so long that I won't mind dying at the end (After living a long and full life, death is the next big adventure.)

There's this site I sometimes check out, which presents news/information from the field of anti-aging research. Death is an engineering problem waiting to be solved. Otherwise why would we feel so uncomfortable about it. Our culture teaches us to suppress thoughts about death, as if ignoring it will make it better somehow.
I'm not going to submit the link unless you ask. I want you to make an active choice, rather than just passively clicking through. You're gonna have to think about it before you write out a sentence asking for it. Some commitment is required.
Remember - all I'm offering is the truth. Nothing more.

I guess I'm scared about the forthcoming depression I'm going to endure. Even though I try to live my fullest, there are things I just don't foresee doing now that later on I will agree with. ie: After my parents go, and I have kids of my own, I wish I could go back in time and ask my parents how they would deal with this and that etc....

vierstein - send me a PM with that link, i'd like to take a look, as long as its not an attempt to convert me to some other religion.

maybe by the time I'm old, life spans will have increased so much that I won't have to die (or at least my life will be so long that I won't mind dying at the end.

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If you could live to 200, 300 or 500 years old, what would you do with the extra time? It wasn't that long ago that most people only lived to age 40. Now 100 isn't unreasonable. But chances are that no matter how long you live you (rhetorical) won't appreciate life.

Want to know why age 65 was originally choosen as the retirement age? Because back in the 40s 50% of the people died before age 65. So with an increase in the life span you'll probably see an increase in the retirement age. Now it seems to be 72. If you live to 200 you'll probably keep working until 125. And guess what? If you live to 200 you'll want to live to 300. If you live to 300 you'll want to live to 400. If you live to 400 you'll want to live to 500...

If you're worried about dying, just look at genetics. On my mother's side most of her parents lived to be over 100. But they had a different diet than you or I. We have eaten all sorts of bad foods which will cut down on life span. It's too late for us.

My friend told me the story of his friend who was in the peak of health, always exercised, ate right, etc. He went out on to the stage (he was an actor) and died of a brain aneurysm. Last week I met with a job recruiter and he was dead the next day because he had a heart attack after going to the gym and getting on an exercise track. You just never know.

Beside, I hear most people die in their sleep or die under heavy sedation in the hospital. Me, I'm thinking I'll go through a heart attack or stroke. I already know that I have to keep away from water after nearly drowing three times. So I live in the desert.

All I ever tell people is not to think about how sad YOU are about the person dying. Think about what that person would want for you in life. In most cases, the answer is they would want you to go on living, and make the most of what you've got here. If you don't live your own life to the fullest, you're screwing yourself. You only get one chance to do it right -- so do just do it.

there are things I just don't foresee doing now that later on I will agree with. ie: After my parents go, and I have kids of my own, I wish I could go back in time and ask my parents how they would deal with this and that etc....

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Hopefully they'll live long enough to be grand parents and spoil your children rotten. If they bond, your children will hear their wisdom first hand. They'll also probably undermine your authority by telling them all the dirty little things you did as a kid.

I only remember my grandma (father's side) slightly. As a 3 year old I remember her vomiting blood because of her cancer. But my mom tells me that she truly loved me and tells me of all the antics I did with her and in front of her. I never knew my grand dad. Luckily my other grandma lived to be 103, so I got to kiss her often on the cheek. But no second grandpa...