Life

'The family is one of nature's masterpieces'

For me, these past few weeks have seen the influx of family members to our farm, and for a wedding in Toronto. One of the facts of being part of a large family is that not everyone always gets along all the time, and yet there is happy celebration when hordes of us do collect together. Fortunately, all my siblings have landed in North America and we hope that the next generation will also make an effort to gather around.

What are the ties that bind us to each other to create a family? As George Santayana has said, "The family is one of nature's masterpieces," as it is the foundation of humankind as well as all other living beings.

It may be a masterpiece, but it is also a place of strife and harm. Margaret Drabble rightly points out: "Family life itself, that safest, most traditional, most approved of female choices, is not a sanctuary: It is perpetually a dangerous place" both for women and children.

What is a family? We immediately think of the traditional family of mother, father and we may add grandparents, but still think of blood relations. However, families are no longer only this traditional model, as we now have single parents and two women or two men who are creating families. There are also wonderful additions of adopted children who are an integral part of the family. It matters only that these create a loving and warm place for children and other members.

The family is the first group to which we belong, and it is here that we learn our behaviours and attitudes. It is described as a key social institution for the socializing of the young. Ideally it is a place of safety and protection where all members are nurtured and loved.

My parents raised us as Muslims with the values of compassion and tolerance for all, and with a strong emphasis of respect, caring and family ties. The family was not confined to the nuclear one, as not only cousins, aunts and uncles were counted, but friends also became part of the extended family.

As Indians and as Muslims, we were taught to be respectful of elders, and elders in turn were to look after all of us. It was not always peaceful or joyful, but the caring and loving were present.

The Qur'an and Muslim traditions teach about respecting and loving parents and that children should never be seen as a burden. Female children in particular should be raised with love as they are gifts from God. This is such a contradiction to how some families view their daughters.

The British psychologist John Bowlby's "attachment theory" has been influential in child development. He found that infants and children need secure relationships with adult caregivers so that they can develop healthy social and emotional relationships as adults.

Sadly, the family is not always the place for children to be nurtured and loved. This is recognized by the community and thus the creation of child welfare agencies and child-care centres.

It is a sad commentary on a community when good child care is not provided for children with working parents. Surely children are the responsibility of the whole community.

Over the years, many view the family and home as the castle of the man, his private domain that is seen as outside the legal bounds of society.

It has been a positive recent phenomenon that there is less separation between private and public laws as applied to the vulnerable members of the family. This legally allows the community to provide some form of protection.

Fortunately, in Canada violence against women is now accepted as a shared responsibility of the community and not a private matter, as is child welfare and elder abuse.

However, we are not yet civilized enough to eradicate wars and conflicts. These tear families apart and are especially cruel for women and children. The daily news shows us the horrors of war and yet the world has not found any solution.

What sort of adult will these suffering children become? It seems that not enough is being done to care beyond our families and beyond our borders.

We should hearken to the research of psychologists such as Bowlby that without a nurturing environment for the young, we cannot expect them to become healthy and sane members of society. Violence experienced breeds violence.

Enjoy your family, either given to you at birth or one you have created. Accept that with all the good will in the world, you will still experience pain and strife, but hopefully love and compassion will overcome these.