Audioccult Vol. 103: Fashion DOs & DON’Ts in 2014

Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: SHALTMIRA.

If you’re like me, you love wearing clothes. If you’re like me you also refer to clothes as ‘body homies’, but not where girls can hear, which is a safe move (experience). Whether you’re trapped maintaining the nostalgia cycle with retro chic, on the cutting edge of trends, or just hopelessly normcorian, what you wear says a lot about who you are. “The clothes make the man” as they say, and even if sometimes I wish my clothes would take me apart and fold me up and put me in a drawer, I still know the value of keeping my look together. You need to stay —> On Point <— with your fashion game at all times, because the world is a scary place if you don’t know the proper style lingo next time you walk into a fashion week party looking for free wine. That billionaire breed-freak whispering for you to take off your pants, baby? What he’s saying is that he hates your pants, and that you’re literally a baby and your fashion sense is that of a child. You should never be allowed to wear non-denim pants or other things for grownups, you blew it and you’re going to leave this life the way you came in: covered in gross crotch stuff.

The Key to Visual Solace is not always what’s on your body; sometimes it’s what you have inside that counts. A week’s assault on my eternally scrolling feed of Alice Glass fashion editorials results in the weeping lesion on my chest finally opening in a torrent of gore; within the pulsating, vaginal cavity lies a perfectly formed Xbox One, fully capable of doing everything a human lover will never achieve. Stay connected—with friends! Experience search function on TV, over eight million results for all-American centaur WetSex in the highest definition. Remember if Goku is a Pokemon? Press the blue button and you will, all the time. Mother fucking bucket hats are coming back in style. Unbutton your blouse in realtime while the unique rebar-shard tendon-embeds let you know if your email is here and if you have read it. The only true body horror is ugly clothing, but if your fashion game is strong then blessed inner gameplay will surely follow. Use this handy guide to know if you’ve strayed. Peace be upon ye.

DO: Drake Lint Roller Brooklyn Nets Funny

R&B cuddly musician OCD gets gussied up, yowza! Who knows what Drake picked up on the way in to watch the big game? Just his lint roller and the cameras trained on him as he removes vile crowdcrud from his muscular calves, thighs and hips while aghast sportsmen look on. Hahahah! Get it all off, Drake! Uuh…uaguuhhah… pants are nice and clean now. They had lint from home, now the lint is at the basketball stadium! Big comedy. Mega viewage.

DON’T: Grayscale Politician Internet Badman

[In throat-rending bellow to studio audience] Can I get a wolf whistle up in here for US Federal Communications Commission chairman Tom Wheeler?!… No? No love for the Big Wheel? No surprise there—the FCC head is demonstrating one of the big no-no’s of 2014—desaturation! 2014 is a big bold year, and when you’re making big bold moves—like completely reversing your attitude on net neutrality, for example—you need to sport those brass balls on your bod, bud. Always remember: “If you’re gonna connection-block it, you better peacock it”.

DO: Health Goth black running shoe cheap wow L@@K

The current post-subcultural drip-down is Health Goth, a vibrant response to a post-Gucci Goth world. Naturally, no sporty child of the night is complete without the perfect pair of running shoes to escape from bullies and confused gym teachers. Our tip: get in touch with one of the 40,000 Chinese workers currently on strike from Yue Yuen, the company which makes footwear for essential underground brands like Nike and Adidas. Considering how poorly they’re paid, insured and generally treated as employees, one of them is bound to be down to provide the cooldude hookup for cheap runnies. Just Goth It.

DON’T: Exit

Once you’ve got your look together, the most important thing to remember is to never leave the house or connect with human beings in any way. That includes using the Internet (currently the world’s leading source of Outrage™), watching IlluminaTV, or use of a telephone device. Do not attempt to leave your home. Wrap the social dictates of style around your body to preserve your skin from the elements of society. You look amazing. ~