Letterman: So Pakistan opens the first ride in its newest theme park there in Abbotabad—‘Infidels of the Caribbean.’

Conan: Breast augmentation surgery is now the most common plastic surgery procedure in the US. However, guys, it’s still not a great last minute Valentine’s Day gift.

Conan: Beyonce’s publicist is busy trying to get seven unflattering photos of Beyonce removed from the Internet. The publicist is described by friends as “hard-working” and “new to the internet.”

Conan: A congressman is criticizing Steven Spielberg for parts of his 'Lincoln' movie that are historically inaccurate. Particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark.

Conan: There’s a new smart phone app that lets you communicate with your house plants. The app is called “iWillDieAlone.”

Conan: In Kansas, strippers can now collect unemployment. Of course, if you’re a stripper who can’t get work, you’re probably in the wrong profession.

Fallon: The Postal Service has announced that it will stop delivering mail on Saturdays in an effort to save $2 billion a year. Postal workers were shocked. They were like, "We were supposed to deliver mail on Saturdays?"

Fallon: North Korean leader Kim Jong Un recently got a smart phone. And you can tell it’s a smart phone, because today, it left North Korea.

Fallon: This week, a construction worker in Boston survived a 30-foot fall after he landed in a pile of bubble wrap. It took a few hours to get him out, mainly because he was like, “Wait. One more.”

Fallon: It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked the other day. It’s pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could've made off with as much as negative $14 trillion because there’s nothing in there!

Leno: A new study finds that people working shorter hours can slow global warming. So President Obama's economic policy is also his climate policy.

Fallon: Chinese New Year this weekend. Year of the Snake. Crazy that it’s ‘Snake’ already. I’m still writing ‘Dragon’ on all my checks.

Fallon: A scandal erupted the other day in the annual Race to the Top of the Empire State Building. Turns out, one of the competitors tested positive for elevator.

Fallon: Hillary Clinton fans have already started a Super PAC “Ready for Hillary.” Other Dems start another Super PAC, "Bracing for Biden.”

Conan: Asked about gay marriage, Donald Trump said, “It’s not my thing.” Then he added, “Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman he will replace in six years.”

Leno: A lot of controversy over this news. A Denver second grader was suspended for tossing a pretend grenade at pretend monsters. Seems kinda hypocritical. The entire federal government is pretending to tighten gun laws and it’s not suspended.

Fallon: A Florida man was arrested for DUI a motorized shopping cart at Wal-Mart. In fact, he led cops on a chase that reached 90 aisles-per-hour.

Fallon: A third ‘Night at the Museum’ movie being planned. But they’re obviously running out of ideas. It’s called “Night at the Museum 3: Maybe Go During The Day."

Leno: A leak from a new U.N. scientific study says the Sun plays a far greater role in global warming than previously thought. The Sun and global warming. Always the last place you’d think.

Leno: They predict a huge asteroid will miss Earth Friday possibly by only 17,000 miles. Which is about as close as the Lakers will get to the playoffs.

Leno: Geologists say in 100 million years Asia and America will become one huge continent. So, just as we pay off our debt to China, we are China. One big Wal-Mart.

Conan: The Justice Department now says President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I’m ever doing.

Letterman: So Pakistan opens the first ride in its newest theme park there in Abbotabad—‘Infidels of the Caribbean.’

Conan: Breast augmentation surgery is now the most common plastic surgery procedure in the US. However, guys, it’s still not a great last minute Valentine’s Day gift.

Conan: Beyonce’s publicist is busy trying to get seven unflattering photos of Beyonce removed from the Internet. The publicist is described by friends as “hard-working” and “new to the internet.”

Conan: A congressman is criticizing Steven Spielberg for parts of his 'Lincoln' movie that are historically inaccurate. Particularly the scene where Lincoln dies in the mouth of a great white shark.

Conan: There’s a new smart phone app that lets you communicate with your house plants. The app is called “iWillDieAlone.”

Conan: In Kansas, strippers can now collect unemployment. Of course, if you’re a stripper who can’t get work, you’re probably in the wrong profession.

Fallon: The Postal Service has announced that it will stop delivering mail on Saturdays in an effort to save $2 billion a year. Postal workers were shocked. They were like, "We were supposed to deliver mail on Saturdays?"

Fallon: North Korean leader Kim Jong Un recently got a smart phone. And you can tell it’s a smart phone, because today, it left North Korea.

Fallon: This week, a construction worker in Boston survived a 30-foot fall after he landed in a pile of bubble wrap. It took a few hours to get him out, mainly because he was like, “Wait. One more.”

Fallon: It was just revealed that the Federal Reserve was hacked the other day. It’s pretty serious. In fact, they say the hackers could've made off with as much as negative $14 trillion because there’s nothing in there!

Leno: A new study finds that people working shorter hours can slow global warming. So President Obama's economic policy is also his climate policy.

Fallon: Chinese New Year this weekend. Year of the Snake. Crazy that it’s ‘Snake’ already. I’m still writing ‘Dragon’ on all my checks.

Fallon: A scandal erupted the other day in the annual Race to the Top of the Empire State Building. Turns out, one of the competitors tested positive for elevator.

Fallon: Hillary Clinton fans have already started a Super PAC “Ready for Hillary.” Other Dems start another Super PAC, "Bracing for Biden.”

Conan: Asked about gay marriage, Donald Trump said, “It’s not my thing.” Then he added, “Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman he will replace in six years.”

Leno: A lot of controversy over this news. A Denver second grader was suspended for tossing a pretend grenade at pretend monsters. Seems kinda hypocritical. The entire federal government is pretending to tighten gun laws and it’s not suspended.

Fallon: A Florida man was arrested for DUI a motorized shopping cart at Wal-Mart. In fact, he led cops on a chase that reached 90 aisles-per-hour.

Fallon: A third ‘Night at the Museum’ movie being planned. But they’re obviously running out of ideas. It’s called “Night at the Museum 3: Maybe Go During The Day."

Leno: A leak from a new U.N. scientific study says the Sun plays a far greater role in global warming than previously thought. The Sun and global warming. Always the last place you’d think.

Leno: They predict a huge asteroid will miss Earth Friday possibly by only 17,000 miles. Which is about as close as the Lakers will get to the playoffs.

Leno: Geologists say in 100 million years Asia and America will become one huge continent. So, just as we pay off our debt to China, we are China. One big Wal-Mart.

Conan: The Justice Department now says President Obama can order drone strikes on American citizens. In a related story, this is the last Obama joke I’m ever doing.

Select market data is provided by Interactive Data Corp. Real Time Services. Price and Volume data is delayed 20 minutes unless otherwise noted, is believed accurate but is not warranted or guaranteed by Interactive Data Corp. Real Time Services and is subject to Interactive Data Corp. Real Time Services terms. All times are Eastern United States. *Reflects real-time index prices.