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Saturday, September 26, 2015

Galaxy Girls (Falcon Films, 1997)

After that the Mars
movie showing went on to a film alternately called Galaxy Girls and Alien Escape, produced for a considerably bigger budget than Oversexed
Rugsucker from Mars ($1,000,000 as opposed
to $4,000 — when I posted the budget figure from Oversexed Rugsucker to imdb.com I got back an error message reading,
“The budget figure appears to be too low” — which undoubtedly Michael Paul Girard
agreed with!) and aimed by its makers, Falcon Films (in the business of
soft-core porn for straight guys rather than namesake Falcon Studios, which made hard-core porn for Gay guys), at an audience of straight men desperately to
see reasonably attractive women going topless. Oh, there’s a plot of sorts — a
spaceship has landed and buried itself near a women-only ranch where the three
heroines, Cindy (Gail Harris), Becky (Heather Ford) and Shauna (Yvette
McClendon), were planning to stay, only when they get there the proprietess,
Janet (Monique Parent), has mysteriously disappeared and her place has been
taken by Laticia (Leslie Kaye), whom we first see adorning her nude body with
sunscreen. Laticia is a hard-bitten mystery woman without a clue how to cook —
she prepares an elaborate lamb stew that turns out to be a mix of unchopped
vegetables and overly spiced broth; she got the recipe from a cookbook but
totally misunderstood the instructions — and she may or may not be a space
alien impersonating a human. There are at least two aliens from the spaceship —
which isn’t identified as being from Mars anywhere in the film’s actual
dialogue, though the theme song, “Martians at the Window” by Kaliedoscope (so
spelled on the imdb.com page and probably deliberately misspelled to avoid
confusion and lawsuits from the members of the real 1960’s psychedelic band
Kaleidoscope), does use the
M-word — who are running around killing people, including Brad (Christopher
Leman), asshole prosecutor who’s both the employer and the boyfriend of one of
Our Heroines, and the woman hitchhiker he picks up (in both senses of the word)
on his way down the mountain — and at one point they take possession of one of
the big-bosomed girls in this movie (as I’ve joked about other films like this
before, it doesn’t feature women, it features girls) and one of the other girls has to shoot her. Galaxy
Girls has a few genuinely funny lines —
when two of the girls are about to walk into the buried spaceship and one of
them warns the entrance might be “the Gates of Hell … like a hole in the ground
that leads right to Satan,” another jokes, “You’re thinking about a singles
bar” — but the movie pretty much drones on and on and on, and about the only interesting character is Matt
(Bernie Van De Yacht, which I was sure was a pseudonym but turns out to be the
actor’s real name — he was the last of 12 kids from a German-American family in
Green Bay, Wisconsin, and he’s worked mostly as a casting director but has nine
credits as an actor, though only three are for feature-length films and one of
them, Married People, Single Sex II: For Better or Worse, has a title that virtually guarantees Charles would
hate it), the genuinely attractive man who comes in on the action in mid-movie,
has a hot soft-core porn sex scene with one of the bimbos and turns out to be a
secret agent from the aliens’ home planet sent to capture them before they kill
too many more earthlings. Galaxy Girls isn’t much as a movie — one suspects the audience most likely to like
it would be guys who’d been either on a desert island or a chain gang for
decades and had forgotten what women look like — yet at least the character of Matt gave straight women and Gay
men a reason to see this!