Dear Therapist of Mine

Perhaps this is an incorrect beginning since my last few days of madness I may have successfully pushed you away hard enough that you will go.

I do not know what I am doing. I have no master plan. I have no clear cut conspiracy idea to justify pushing you away.

I am confused. You confused me of your talk about my last therapist and how she ruined me, and how this is really my biological mom I was speaking about, and it became blurry somewhere that you are my mom. And you want what my mommy always wanted—for me to kill myself.

The brain is a mystery how it twists and turns and scrunches things together and then spits them out of your mouth as if it is a coherent thought.

You angered me. You freaking always infuriate me with your constant abandonment. I hate when you say “I’ll see you on Monday” in your happy voice as you get to go live your happy, normal life and leave me behind to fend for myself in hell.

You know I am used to hell, so why should it matter.

You forget me as soon as I leave. It is understandable from a rational point of view, you have your own family to be with.

I should not resent you for being happy.

It comes down to this. You deserve to be happy. God has decided I do not. Normalcy is not for me. You have a good chance unless I ruin it. Don’t let me ruin it. Run.

I have tried and tried to eliminate you from my life so your soul will be spared from the evils of knowing me. My blood is poisoned, and I do not want it to spill over onto you.
If my blood should spill, I have tried every which way to save you from any demise that could result from it.

If you hate me, abandon me, and move away from me you will have a chance of survival.

Some of my parts are like you, but some are nothing like you. You are not as poisoned as me. Your brain does not malfunction like mine. People don’t wish you death over and over.

I used to have spirituality and it was taken and replaced with demons. When God has given up on you, there is nothing else. We already know his people have.

I will never be your daughter. You will never fight for me or understand me like you do her. She is lucky, even with your quirks.

I am nobody’s daughter. I do not matter much to anyone. I am sick beyond repair. The psychopharmacology folks have nothing for me even if I believed in such things. The greedy hospitals don’t even want me. And my own therapist thinks I should keep holding on for no reason she can articulate, except she goes home to her happy place and sends me to hell.

I wish I could say it doesn’t matter, but it does. I am sick and angry that you do not care for me as your daughter. There is nothing I can do about that, and my rational parts would be furious for me even saying such a thing.

I should apologize for the hurt I may have caused you lately. I wish I had a good explanation for it. I hope you will just sincerely accept my apology, or you can hate me as your God given right.

I am not supposed to be here in this body in this place. I am nothing, yet my demons escape from time to time and ruin everything around me.

Please forgive me. I did not choose this. I am a chosen one for hell on earth. Like my sisters and brothers, we are all sorry.

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One thought on “Dear Therapist of Mine”

when i was stuck in that bad place for years too, i could never understand why my therapist never did more to try to help me out of it. i always thought she didn’t care enough or that i didn’t matter. she would never send me to the hospital which was what i thought i needed…and sometimes i probably did…but it would not have helped anyway since it is a short-term solution. but she does all she can in reality. the way we perceive her words, lack of words, facial expressions, etc. can be very confusing, but it also helps to talk through it all so she gets where we are coming from.

a good therapist will be able to handle what you have to say and listen and hear you and hopefully be able to work things through with you instead of just deciding it’s too hard and leave.

i have also learned no one can tell us why to stay, what to believe in, or what things to hold on to. those are things we have to figure out for ourselves because that is when it matters more. but i do understand needing to have other people be your strength at times and help you in that way until you are able to see things on your own.