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Hi gang,
It's been way over a year since my surgery (Feb 10, 2015 - I'll never forget this date!) and only just gotten around to experimenting with stimulating myself. Of course my depression has a lot to do with that, bc depression, and the Rx's for it, contribute to low Lobito. Anyway, maybe it is all the attractive women I see at work, but I became aroused last week, and began, umm, experimenting! Now much of what I am going to say comes from a discussion with my surgeon afterwards, because I did not know how an orgasm for a post-op GRS patient manifests itself. My first feeling was the feeling one gets with an erection, not surprising since my clitoris is made from the head of my penis; this is also the feeling a cis woman gets. But the climax is really just mental, bc there is no "ejaculation" anymore, nor is there any fluid discharged from the neo-vagina. The neo-vagina is a "dead-end" cavity that does not secrete any fluid or lubrication the way a natal vagina does. The fluid that drained out next to my finger was just warmed-up, less viscous gel lube I had used. You do have a euphoric feeling afterward, which I have not been able to repeat the second, and only, subsequent time I tried. It was disappointing not being able to repeat the "orgasm"and I haven't had the urge again yet to try again. Well, maybe that woman will come into the store again....my reason for experimenting. I think she likes me. Yikes!

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Ever since I began to experience what it was like to be Suzy and wearing beast forms I have always wondered what it was like to sleep in bed with them. My first pair of breast forms were made of silcone so it wasn't practical to do so. But after one of the breast forms started to leak a bit, I had to throw them away and decided to buy a pair of foam breast forms instead. There was 2 reasons for this, One was the cost and the foam breast forms were much cheaper than the silcone breasts and two I could safely pack them away and to sleep with them which I never did.
I did have get rid of the bras I was using as they were slightly too small for the foam breast forms and I also had to get rid of some of the clothing because I had lost a bit of weight due to finding out I was diabectic and had to change my diet and start excerising a bit better than before which I am doing. So I had to save until I had enough money to start buying some new clothes starting with the bras.
They arrived yesterday and waited until last night to put both the bra and breast forms on. It did feel a bit strange at first as I haven't put bra and breast forms on for a while and also these were made of foam and not silcone. As for laying down on the bed, it was again a bit strange but I think I got use to it and it felt some how right.
I think I will try it again tonight.

Ever since I began to experience what it was like to be Suzy and wearing beast forms I have always wondered what it was like to sleep in bed with them. My first pair of breast forms were made of silcone so it wasn't practical to do so. But after one of the breast forms started to leak a bit, I had to throw them away and decided to buy a pair of foam breast forms instead. There was 2 reasons for this, One was the cost and the foam breast forms were much cheaper than the silcone breasts and two I could safely pack them away and to sleep with them which I never did.
I did have get rid of the bras I was using as they were slightly too small for the foam breast forms and I also had to get rid of some of the clothing because I had lost a bit of weight due to finding out I was diabectic and had to change my diet and start excerising a bit better than before which I am doing. So I had to save until I had enough money to start buying some new clothes starting with the bras.
They arrived yesterday and waited until last night to put both the bra and breast forms on. It did feel a bit strange at first as I haven't put bra and breast forms on for a while and also these were made of foam and not silcone. As for laying down on the bed, it was again a bit strange but I think I got use to it and it felt some how right.
I think I will try it again tonight.

Hey everyone, wow, it's been a while since I was last on here. Not a whole lot new besides seeing a new counselor, but finally, this one is specialized in gender reassignment surgery and has many transgender patients so I'm glad to finally be seeing one. What I wanted to bring up was my book, actually. I've been talking with my counselor about it and it's based on myself and what happened between a friend and I for those who don't know. I'm a little unsure about how to end the story, to be honest. See, my counselor says I have both qualifications for gender identity AND Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I wanted to end my story with my character getting the sex change and having a happy ending, but hearing that I have both... Well, supposedly, that's rare or not even possible? I don't really want to wait around until I have a final diagnosis to write this story and figured I have two or three options on endings for this story...
Ending 1: MC loses their best and only friend, gets the sex change, ultimately accepts themselves as transsexual happily.
Ending 2: Same as above except the MC does NOT get sex change and is diagnosed with both GID and BDD and has more of a open ending.
Ending 3: Same as above once again but MC learns they have BDD and only wanted to be a man because their father made being a woman seem so inferior and horrible.
I know ending three can come off as offensive so I probably shouldn't go with it, right? It's something my mom has told me time and time again and now even my counselor is telling me how my father seems to have had such a big impact on who I am today... I believe I will always see myself as trans because I've felt like a guy for so long, but I can't deny that what my father has said about women hasn't helped me want to be a woman at all.
Please let me know what ending you think I should pick as this story is only meant to be based on myself, not 100% accurate so really, any ending could work.

Hey everyone, wow, it's been a while since I was last on here. Not a whole lot new besides seeing a new counselor, but finally, this one is specialized in gender reassignment surgery and has many transgender patients so I'm glad to finally be seeing one. What I wanted to bring up was my book, actually. I've been talking with my counselor about it and it's based on myself and what happened between a friend and I for those who don't know. I'm a little unsure about how to end the story, to be honest. See, my counselor says I have both qualifications for gender identity AND Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I wanted to end my story with my character getting the sex change and having a happy ending, but hearing that I have both... Well, supposedly, that's rare or not even possible? I don't really want to wait around until I have a final diagnosis to write this story and figured I have two or three options on endings for this story...
Ending 1: MC loses their best and only friend, gets the sex change, ultimately accepts themselves as transsexual happily.
Ending 2: Same as above except the MC does NOT get sex change and is diagnosed with both GID and BDD and has more of a open ending.
Ending 3: Same as above once again but MC learns they have BDD and only wanted to be a man because their father made being a woman seem so inferior and horrible.
I know ending three can come off as offensive so I probably shouldn't go with it, right? It's something my mom has told me time and time again and now even my counselor is telling me how my father seems to have had such a big impact on who I am today... I believe I will always see myself as trans because I've felt like a guy for so long, but I can't deny that what my father has said about women hasn't helped me want to be a woman at all.
Please let me know what ending you think I should pick as this story is only meant to be based on myself, not 100% accurate so really, any ending could work.

Hi
At the end of my local park stand a gaggle of rather forlorn recycling bins. There are beyond the railings and so turn their backs upon the park (or Fields) and gape open-mouthed towards a main road. I've no idea how frequently they are attended to. No kerb crawling is allowed here due to the double yellow-lines, so if you are to engage with them you cannot flirt so you must - in full view, walk up to them.
Standing in their midst is a large metal bin, as tough as nails. But if you get it to open up it's softer inside as it houses the memories of once loved clothes now discarded or readied for re-use. All of my clothes and shoes now lie in there, still.
A more diminutive bin half a mile away, clearly marked 'Rubbish', contains my wig and all of my make-up. Correction, these are not mine anymore and will most probably not be anothers, their time is spent. They are tousled, teased, twinkled and tipped.
So that's it then, easy really wasn't it? I was once transsexual but now I'm not. Why didn't someone tell me it was that straightforward?
The relief of disposing of those deceitful artefacts is extreme; extremely short. I return home cleansed and the post has delivered two of my wife's January magazines - and it's the 6th December!. I can't look because the plastic protects them. These are mid-winter editions with post Christmas issues, they will encourage new-beginnings, healthiness and a respite from over-indulgence. Well, I suspect they may. But I have just purged, I'm setting the agenda, I am indeed now self-evidently a woman ahead of the curve..!
Now here's the rub. I'm actually a woman lacking curves and now clothes and make-up too.
The recycling bins might stand forlornly, but they are a resilient bunch. You can't just charm your way in, hassle them and hope they give you something for nothing. They're not charitable that way and if you give, you're spent.
Let me return to a favourite reflection of mine, that of the elliptical trajectory that I travel upon. Today I suspect I have been at the outer reaches, beyond the railings. I have disposed of the largest hoard yet and so this ellipse may be the most significantly sized one I've travelled upon. If I have just commenced a return orbit then I may be in for some significant G-Force in the coming weeks or months.
Chilly winter without clothing, perhaps I need something in order to wrap up..?
Rachel x

Hi
At the end of my local park stand a gaggle of rather forlorn recycling bins. There are beyond the railings and so turn their backs upon the park (or Fields) and gape open-mouthed towards a main road. I've no idea how frequently they are attended to. No kerb crawling is allowed here due to the double yellow-lines, so if you are to engage with them you cannot flirt so you must - in full view, walk up to them.
Standing in their midst is a large metal bin, as tough as nails. But if you get it to open up it's softer inside as it houses the memories of once loved clothes now discarded or readied for re-use. All of my clothes and shoes now lie in there, still.
A more diminutive bin half a mile away, clearly marked 'Rubbish', contains my wig and all of my make-up. Correction, these are not mine anymore and will most probably not be anothers, their time is spent. They are tousled, teased, twinkled and tipped.
So that's it then, easy really wasn't it? I was once transsexual but now I'm not. Why didn't someone tell me it was that straightforward?
The relief of disposing of those deceitful artefacts is extreme; extremely short. I return home cleansed and the post has delivered two of my wife's January magazines - and it's the 6th December!. I can't look because the plastic protects them. These are mid-winter editions with post Christmas issues, they will encourage new-beginnings, healthiness and a respite from over-indulgence. Well, I suspect they may. But I have just purged, I'm setting the agenda, I am indeed now self-evidently a woman ahead of the curve..!
Now here's the rub. I'm actually a woman lacking curves and now clothes and make-up too.
The recycling bins might stand forlornly, but they are a resilient bunch. You can't just charm your way in, hassle them and hope they give you something for nothing. They're not charitable that way and if you give, you're spent.
Let me return to a favourite reflection of mine, that of the elliptical trajectory that I travel upon. Today I suspect I have been at the outer reaches, beyond the railings. I have disposed of the largest hoard yet and so this ellipse may be the most significantly sized one I've travelled upon. If I have just commenced a return orbit then I may be in for some significant G-Force in the coming weeks or months.
Chilly winter without clothing, perhaps I need something in order to wrap up..?
Rachel x

I set out on this my 'Great Journey' with a full rucksack of suitable female clothing for all eventualities, weathers and occasions, suitable foot-wear (not 5" Jimmy Choos), toiletries and a somewhat naive but strong sense of purpose and direction. It started with a week's solo walk across the North Country, the "Cleveland Way": no big deal for a Swiss Registered High Mountain Guide, I thought. How utterly wrong I was! I frankly have no real idea what triggered my need to pursue the lifelong question of who exactly I was. I can only think that life is controlled in the same way as the 'biscuit' one pushed into old-fashioned washing machines: once inserted it undertoook its progress without any hope of changing the programme.
I joined the Gender Society and the Beaumont Society, but never had the nerve to chat on this site (still haven't), nor attend any meet-ups at first. What did I discover? There were other people just like me, and rather a lot of them! The information available here is 'second to none', and it greatly enabled the start of my long journey.
The other Society 'held and still holds' a bi-annual meet-up and theme-dressed dinner in Harrogate. This was to be my first ever appearance in public as me. I have lived alone for twenty-six years: always Hannah behind the closed doors of my homes and my male self outdoors and in the work-place. I arrived on the Thursday lunch-time: sat in the car for an hour and a half listening to the only opera written in Italian by Romeau. At its finale I had made my decision to write off the fees for the four days, return home and resume my previous life. I did not notice the four ladies sat having afternoon tea near reception: Kay, the President, Irene her wife and co-ordinator of the weekend, Becky and one of the co-ordinators of the Gender Society. My sole reason for entering the hotel in drab was to pursue an increasingly urgent comfort visit to the gents, and then home. As I returned and stepped down from reception, Irene got up, blocked my exit and escape route and said "you're not thinking of going home are you?". I replied yes . "No you're not, you have friends here". The rest is history. I had no idea what this 'Passage of Rights' would entail and enable: how finding myself would give me real happiness and disperse the depression of my Dysphoria for ever. It is, however, a double-edged sword.
Meeting an influential member of this group on the occasion of my first appearance as Hannah, enabled a great deal: she persuaded me to dress en-femme on the Saturday and to accompany her and Becky (Regional Representative) on a walk round Harrogate, with coffee and cakes in Marks and Spencers. Six months later she organised a meet-up in Torquay, where I met the 'love of my life'; but that is another and strictly private story.
One of my few ambitions is to repeat the Cleveland Way weeks walk in a skirt and not Rohan outdoor trousers: then to enter new territory in a skirt and do the 'Pennine Way'.
Part Two: includes my personal pathway of the last five years, treatment options, beurocratic hurdles and advice as to the best safest and most direct way to achieve GRS and a GRC. Don't, forbid, do what I did and simply forget to pack a head lamp, spare batteries, map and compass, girls..!!

I set out on this my 'Great Journey' with a full rucksack of suitable female clothing for all eventualities, weathers and occasions, suitable foot-wear (not 5" Jimmy Choos), toiletries and a somewhat naive but strong sense of purpose and direction. It started with a week's solo walk across the North Country, the "Cleveland Way": no big deal for a Swiss Registered High Mountain Guide, I thought. How utterly wrong I was! I frankly have no real idea what triggered my need to pursue the lifelong question of who exactly I was. I can only think that life is controlled in the same way as the 'biscuit' one pushed into old-fashioned washing machines: once inserted it undertoook its progress without any hope of changing the programme.
I joined the Gender Society and the Beaumont Society, but never had the nerve to chat on this site (still haven't), nor attend any meet-ups at first. What did I discover? There were other people just like me, and rather a lot of them! The information available here is 'second to none', and it greatly enabled the start of my long journey.
The other Society 'held and still holds' a bi-annual meet-up and theme-dressed dinner in Harrogate. This was to be my first ever appearance in public as me. I have lived alone for twenty-six years: always Hannah behind the closed doors of my homes and my male self outdoors and in the work-place. I arrived on the Thursday lunch-time: sat in the car for an hour and a half listening to the only opera written in Italian by Romeau. At its finale I had made my decision to write off the fees for the four days, return home and resume my previous life. I did not notice the four ladies sat having afternoon tea near reception: Kay, the President, Irene her wife and co-ordinator of the weekend, Becky and one of the co-ordinators of the Gender Society. My sole reason for entering the hotel in drab was to pursue an increasingly urgent comfort visit to the gents, and then home. As I returned and stepped down from reception, Irene got up, blocked my exit and escape route and said "you're not thinking of going home are you?". I replied yes . "No you're not, you have friends here". The rest is history. I had no idea what this 'Passage of Rights' would entail and enable: how finding myself would give me real happiness and disperse the depression of my Dysphoria for ever. It is, however, a double-edged sword.
Meeting an influential member of this group on the occasion of my first appearance as Hannah, enabled a great deal: she persuaded me to dress en-femme on the Saturday and to accompany her and Becky (Regional Representative) on a walk round Harrogate, with coffee and cakes in Marks and Spencers. Six months later she organised a meet-up in Torquay, where I met the 'love of my life'; but that is another and strictly private story.
One of my few ambitions is to repeat the Cleveland Way weeks walk in a skirt and not Rohan outdoor trousers: then to enter new territory in a skirt and do the 'Pennine Way'.
Part Two: includes my personal pathway of the last five years, treatment options, beurocratic hurdles and advice as to the best safest and most direct way to achieve GRS and a GRC. Don't, forbid, do what I did and simply forget to pack a head lamp, spare batteries, map and compass, girls..!!

Hello
It's been a long, long time since I contributed something here. I'm not talking years but I'm talking months and for a site that requires contributions from the community that's too long. So with apologies to Lucy, Crissie, Katie for the lack of 'giving'..I hope you are all OK - I mean that's the most important thing, right? The day-to-day getting by and feeling fine.
I've seen this year's John Lewis Christmas ad, and lets be honest, it's not so good is it? But it won't stop Father Christmas now will it?
I have received a barrage of pre-Christmas email from retailers who are desperate to convince me that sparkling is essential, whether eyebrows, tops, skirts of frankly my pussy if it would just be there. Three days into January it will all be about abstinence, purity and cleanliness - I mean, come on, that's not a great deal of value from flickering shimmeriness is it!?
I haven't dressed-up for a while and I feel the pressure building. Not in my crotch but in the brain. For readers in the closet, do you also have tell-tale signs when the Dysphoria is beginning to peak, advance warnings and yearnings to dash into Zara at lunchtime. My brain still reacts with the the belief that if I succumb to masculine desire lines all will be OK. So I have a new bike (it's actually very nice and could be easily described as unisex) but I evidently didn't purchase a women's geometry from the women's department. It's black, technical and taut. It's lovely thing and I'm reading the paraphernalia that it encourages, magazines and web-based retailer for all things athletic, but whilst I do I yearn for layers of loose Cashmere, a facial and a new pair of boots.
I spotted a woman on the tube on Wednesday with a hair-cut I would dye for. A cropped page-boy, short but quickly translating from weight and length to a light and feathery neckline. More length above the ears teased forward into a pre-emptive eccentric pair of bangs, pointed around the ears with a swept forehead, and bottle-blonde.. I have an appointment at my local salon tomorrow - of if I could only dare to ask for that cut, an absolutely certain way of directing my colleagues attention towards me at forthcoming Christmas parties, especially if I but some of that sparkly, stuff I mentioned earlier.
It's quite on Gender Society and I'm unable to access on my iPhone. I hope that the site approaches the New Year with confidence and that all who visit here appreciate what it can provide, which is an avenue for whitening lost souls to share and gently provoke.
Catch up soon, keep sparkling and don't be let down by the Monsters under the bed.
Rachel x

Hello
It's been a long, long time since I contributed something here. I'm not talking years but I'm talking months and for a site that requires contributions from the community that's too long. So with apologies to Lucy, Crissie, Katie for the lack of 'giving'..I hope you are all OK - I mean that's the most important thing, right? The day-to-day getting by and feeling fine.
I've seen this year's John Lewis Christmas ad, and lets be honest, it's not so good is it? But it won't stop Father Christmas now will it?
I have received a barrage of pre-Christmas email from retailers who are desperate to convince me that sparkling is essential, whether eyebrows, tops, skirts of frankly my pussy if it would just be there. Three days into January it will all be about abstinence, purity and cleanliness - I mean, come on, that's not a great deal of value from flickering shimmeriness is it!?
I haven't dressed-up for a while and I feel the pressure building. Not in my crotch but in the brain. For readers in the closet, do you also have tell-tale signs when the Dysphoria is beginning to peak, advance warnings and yearnings to dash into Zara at lunchtime. My brain still reacts with the the belief that if I succumb to masculine desire lines all will be OK. So I have a new bike (it's actually very nice and could be easily described as unisex) but I evidently didn't purchase a women's geometry from the women's department. It's black, technical and taut. It's lovely thing and I'm reading the paraphernalia that it encourages, magazines and web-based retailer for all things athletic, but whilst I do I yearn for layers of loose Cashmere, a facial and a new pair of boots.
I spotted a woman on the tube on Wednesday with a hair-cut I would dye for. A cropped page-boy, short but quickly translating from weight and length to a light and feathery neckline. More length above the ears teased forward into a pre-emptive eccentric pair of bangs, pointed around the ears with a swept forehead, and bottle-blonde.. I have an appointment at my local salon tomorrow - of if I could only dare to ask for that cut, an absolutely certain way of directing my colleagues attention towards me at forthcoming Christmas parties, especially if I but some of that sparkly, stuff I mentioned earlier.
It's quite on Gender Society and I'm unable to access on my iPhone. I hope that the site approaches the New Year with confidence and that all who visit here appreciate what it can provide, which is an avenue for whitening lost souls to share and gently provoke.
Catch up soon, keep sparkling and don't be let down by the Monsters under the bed.
Rachel x

Hello Ladies - Here are updates on my super world, the path of Briana! : )
As noted in the prior blog I have come out to a series of doctors ( 2 endocrinologists, my therapist, and even the whole of the medical system I am part of through my insurance ). When I go online to look up my file, notes, et al - I am who I am - Briana!! Everyone has been quite friendly, supportive, and see me as me.
I reflect on much earlier times long before coming out to myself and those struggles - how when at a given store I would secretly wish someone behind me could say "Miss --" or something in that direction. These were fleeting and few but were nuggets of gold in my past and deeply wishes for ( bear in mind I had a great deal of emotional conflict over such things before addressing myself on these things however ).
Nevertheless yesterday I had a follow up meeting with my endocrinologist to go over the newest results of my blood work after now being on hormone therapy ( hooray!! ) for a little over a month. Already the testosterone level is lower than a standard male and the estrogen level has more than doubled! Super news in my book - my breasts thank me daily ( albeit small and developing lol )! She decided to double the estrogen level and all things look good.
That news is great in itself, but the day was beyond my wishes though. I went in a red and black plaid skirt, black hose, a nice red top, with cute short heel black shoes. I feel confident, happy, and massively content ( since starting hormones, this sense of peace, tranquility, and balance has been incredible ). As I walked in I was looked at as if I were any other woman walking into the place ( no strange glares or people turning away ). I approached the elevator and there was a grandfather with his toddler grandson just ahead of me. The lad pressed the button and we boarded the lift. In a moment, the grandfather turns to his grandson and notes, 'Show the lady how you can pick our floor, 2" - The lad does so and I note 'Good job'. The doors open on our floor and he places his hand on his grandson's shoulder as I stand there still reflecting on the prior moments and he nods and signals me to go ahead and step out - I say 'thanks'.
In line a person calls out to a lady that it is her turn in saying 'Miss' my head instantly turned. The receptionist, the nurses, the doctor were all cordial, friendly - calling me by name, Briana, and they even updated my file with my new picture ( note I am also in make up as well! ).
Seated in the waiting room a nurse comes out to call the next patient looking for a Mr - she looks past me not even considering me ( thankfully ) while another nearby woman looks about and points out a man over my shoulder further back and asks him if he was the one being called.
Another woman enters the waiting area coming from the adjacent women's lavatory and turns to me and asks if I was wearing a jacket today - I note, no, only my sweater that I have on - she notes that there is one left in the bathroom that's why she was asking me!
Along with the discussion of hormones and the upgrade with the doctor I gave her as I have given the list of noted doctor's my first edition copy of my book - talking about my creative drive, interests in writing, the fun experiments in the book using ordinary materials and the like. Each of them allowed me to sign it to them personally and of course, as myself, Briana!
Today was a day I will remember always - compared to the 'Miss' from long ago, this was a day of a pile of gold bars and not just a nugget. I was me, myself and I, Briana - I was that woman in the doctor's office and was perfectly alive, happy, and well in all ranges - physically, mentally, and emotionally.
More to follow in time with further months on hormones and more times out and about as me!
All the best in your journeys.
Thanks for taking time to read.
Take Care
Hugs, Briana : )
Cosmic Girl out exploring herself and the Cosmos!

Hello Ladies - Here are updates on my super world, the path of Briana! : )
As noted in the prior blog I have come out to a series of doctors ( 2 endocrinologists, my therapist, and even the whole of the medical system I am part of through my insurance ). When I go online to look up my file, notes, et al - I am who I am - Briana!! Everyone has been quite friendly, supportive, and see me as me.
I reflect on much earlier times long before coming out to myself and those struggles - how when at a given store I would secretly wish someone behind me could say "Miss --" or something in that direction. These were fleeting and few but were nuggets of gold in my past and deeply wishes for ( bear in mind I had a great deal of emotional conflict over such things before addressing myself on these things however ).
Nevertheless yesterday I had a follow up meeting with my endocrinologist to go over the newest results of my blood work after now being on hormone therapy ( hooray!! ) for a little over a month. Already the testosterone level is lower than a standard male and the estrogen level has more than doubled! Super news in my book - my breasts thank me daily ( albeit small and developing lol )! She decided to double the estrogen level and all things look good.
That news is great in itself, but the day was beyond my wishes though. I went in a red and black plaid skirt, black hose, a nice red top, with cute short heel black shoes. I feel confident, happy, and massively content ( since starting hormones, this sense of peace, tranquility, and balance has been incredible ). As I walked in I was looked at as if I were any other woman walking into the place ( no strange glares or people turning away ). I approached the elevator and there was a grandfather with his toddler grandson just ahead of me. The lad pressed the button and we boarded the lift. In a moment, the grandfather turns to his grandson and notes, 'Show the lady how you can pick our floor, 2" - The lad does so and I note 'Good job'. The doors open on our floor and he places his hand on his grandson's shoulder as I stand there still reflecting on the prior moments and he nods and signals me to go ahead and step out - I say 'thanks'.
In line a person calls out to a lady that it is her turn in saying 'Miss' my head instantly turned. The receptionist, the nurses, the doctor were all cordial, friendly - calling me by name, Briana, and they even updated my file with my new picture ( note I am also in make up as well! ).
Seated in the waiting room a nurse comes out to call the next patient looking for a Mr - she looks past me not even considering me ( thankfully ) while another nearby woman looks about and points out a man over my shoulder further back and asks him if he was the one being called.
Another woman enters the waiting area coming from the adjacent women's lavatory and turns to me and asks if I was wearing a jacket today - I note, no, only my sweater that I have on - she notes that there is one left in the bathroom that's why she was asking me!
Along with the discussion of hormones and the upgrade with the doctor I gave her as I have given the list of noted doctor's my first edition copy of my book - talking about my creative drive, interests in writing, the fun experiments in the book using ordinary materials and the like. Each of them allowed me to sign it to them personally and of course, as myself, Briana!
Today was a day I will remember always - compared to the 'Miss' from long ago, this was a day of a pile of gold bars and not just a nugget. I was me, myself and I, Briana - I was that woman in the doctor's office and was perfectly alive, happy, and well in all ranges - physically, mentally, and emotionally.
More to follow in time with further months on hormones and more times out and about as me!
All the best in your journeys.
Thanks for taking time to read.
Take Care
Hugs, Briana : )
Cosmic Girl out exploring herself and the Cosmos!

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Hi dad, I feel our face to face conversations are rather ineffective, I get so nervous that I clam up and can't say anything and you get so nervous you say way too much so I thought this might be a better means of communication as we can both say what we like uninterrupted. To begin with I want to say that I love you very much, you are my hero, and my role model, and these problems I am having have nothing whatsoever to do with the way you raised me, you are a fantastic father and you always have been. The next thing I want to say is that while I will not apologize for being the way I am, I do apologize for the set of circumstances that this has created, I know how difficult all of this has been for you, mom, and lizzie and it tears me apart. In fact one of the reasons I have been so depressed is because I can see the hell I'm putting you all through with this and it is eating me alive from the inside out, I hate seeing everything I loved and knew fall apart like this, and the heartache of it all has turned me into a recluse and for that I apologize. Thirdly I want to say that I have identified as female for a long time, I tried to chase it away, I tried to smother it, and I tried to bury it but all of that left me with a complete and total empty feeling inside of me, it was strangling me and it was only a matter of time before I ran out of air, in fact its gotten so bad that I wince every time someone says "hey man" or I catch a glimpse of my self in a polo and jeans in the mirror, it physically hurts to be the way I am right now and I can not endure it much longer, transitioning for me is not a choice or a decision to be made but a necessary medical treatment I need for something that is physically and mentally wrong with me, in fact the only time I feel truly, and genuinely happy anymore is when I can present myself to the world as Masi simply because its the only time anyone can see the real me. Now I know you think your losing me and that the son you've always known is dying right before your eyes but everything you know and love about me is still there, in fact I would argue that my faults that impair my functioning are linked to my brain being a girls and my body being a boys, and that all the parts you like about me may well be dramatically enhanced once I do this. Finally I would like to reiterate that no one has coerced me into feeling this way, and that I am the one in complete control over this, I am not so easily swayed into thinking this way just because I talked to someone who went through a similar situation, my thoughts and opinions are only accountable to one person and that is me. It kills me that I can't be the son that you can be proud of, it is worst kind of depression knowing that you let everyone you know and love down, which is why I'm begging you to be accepting and supportive of this so that I can be the child that you can be proud of and so that I can live up to my full potential and become the happy, healthy, and successful human being I know I can be without everything else chaining me down, I love you very much, and I know it will take time but please know that I need someone to be there for me to help me through all of this and to accept me for who I am.

Hi dad, I feel our face to face conversations are rather ineffective, I get so nervous that I clam up and can't say anything and you get so nervous you say way too much so I thought this might be a better means of communication as we can both say what we like uninterrupted. To begin with I want to say that I love you very much, you are my hero, and my role model, and these problems I am having have nothing whatsoever to do with the way you raised me, you are a fantastic father and you always have been. The next thing I want to say is that while I will not apologize for being the way I am, I do apologize for the set of circumstances that this has created, I know how difficult all of this has been for you, mom, and lizzie and it tears me apart. In fact one of the reasons I have been so depressed is because I can see the hell I'm putting you all through with this and it is eating me alive from the inside out, I hate seeing everything I loved and knew fall apart like this, and the heartache of it all has turned me into a recluse and for that I apologize. Thirdly I want to say that I have identified as female for a long time, I tried to chase it away, I tried to smother it, and I tried to bury it but all of that left me with a complete and total empty feeling inside of me, it was strangling me and it was only a matter of time before I ran out of air, in fact its gotten so bad that I wince every time someone says "hey man" or I catch a glimpse of my self in a polo and jeans in the mirror, it physically hurts to be the way I am right now and I can not endure it much longer, transitioning for me is not a choice or a decision to be made but a necessary medical treatment I need for something that is physically and mentally wrong with me, in fact the only time I feel truly, and genuinely happy anymore is when I can present myself to the world as Masi simply because its the only time anyone can see the real me. Now I know you think your losing me and that the son you've always known is dying right before your eyes but everything you know and love about me is still there, in fact I would argue that my faults that impair my functioning are linked to my brain being a girls and my body being a boys, and that all the parts you like about me may well be dramatically enhanced once I do this. Finally I would like to reiterate that no one has coerced me into feeling this way, and that I am the one in complete control over this, I am not so easily swayed into thinking this way just because I talked to someone who went through a similar situation, my thoughts and opinions are only accountable to one person and that is me. It kills me that I can't be the son that you can be proud of, it is worst kind of depression knowing that you let everyone you know and love down, which is why I'm begging you to be accepting and supportive of this so that I can be the child that you can be proud of and so that I can live up to my full potential and become the happy, healthy, and successful human being I know I can be without everything else chaining me down, I love you very much, and I know it will take time but please know that I need someone to be there for me to help me through all of this and to accept me for who I am.

Mom and Dad,
I am writing this letter to let you know something about me which may also explain certain things, I am using a letter rather than talking to you face to face as I think it would be a lot better for myself and yourselves given the situation.
For many years now, as far back as I can remember I have had a huge struggle within, I have tried to deal with this problem on my own but I feel I can no longer carry on in the same manner as it is getting worse. The last two weeks especially have been really hard, mood swings and sleepless nights don't even scratch the surface of what I have been going through, my first thought and possibly yours would be that I am worrying about my work situation but I believe this is not the case.
The struggle within that I am talking about is my belief that I was never supposed to be born male but actually female, my first memory of this was when I was about 8, I remember I used to sit in the closet at the bottom of the stairs and try on your shoes mom. But as I got older and started to realise that this wasn't normal it just started to tear me apart inside, questioning my sexuality numerous times, wondering if it was a fetish, feeling embarrassed and ashamed, scared of you or anybody finding out and what might be the consequences if that happened. So I kept it to myself and carried on through the years, trying to ignore this craving I had to look how I felt inside but I just couldn't. In my late teens I started experimenting with make-up and more clothes but all I could see in the mirror looking back at me was a male wearing what he should not be wearing and I just felt absolutely disgusted and hated myself...I hated the body I was born with, I hated myself for doing something that felt so wrong but also I hated the fact that I could never look like the woman I felt I should be. Alone and full of hate, confusion and fears I had no where to turn and I could not see me ever being happy.
The years came and went, my situation and feelings unchanged were starting to take their toll on my mind, I broke down, became sick with depression, stress and anxiety as you know. This was put down to work, money and ill health but I felt that they were not the main culprit, I desperately wanted to tell my doctor and/or therapist but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, the fear of losing you both, my friends and my job was just too great. I always thought if I could not be happy and cope with this on my own then how could I possibly cope if I lost everything that was good in my life.
During my time sick I started to experiment some more, I got better with make-up and clothes to the point that I actually started to have some belief that I might be able to look like I feel, that was why I spent so much time in my bedroom over those 3 and half months, it made me so happy to see ME looking back. Then of course being worried about me you walked into my bedroom dad and caught me, I know I didn't answer any of your questions at the time, I couldn't as I just froze with fear and shame and then when you slammed my door shut I thought my life was over, that I had upset you, made you angry. My fears... I felt as though they were coming true but I couldn't just leave it like that I had to talk to you both, I believe now that I didn't do enough talking and I should have told you both then what I am telling you now, your reactions comforted me and that would have been the ideal time to come out to you but I didn't and therefore my fears have risen again.
I hope you will both come and talk to me after you have read this, I want us to be open about all of this and I promise I will try and answer any questions you will probably have. If you wish that I seek help I will do that also I just want you to know that I couldn't ask for any better parents and the last thing I want is to hurt you both and make you ill, I love you so much! And I'm sorry...

Mom and Dad,
I am writing this letter to let you know something about me which may also explain certain things, I am using a letter rather than talking to you face to face as I think it would be a lot better for myself and yourselves given the situation.
For many years now, as far back as I can remember I have had a huge struggle within, I have tried to deal with this problem on my own but I feel I can no longer carry on in the same manner as it is getting worse. The last two weeks especially have been really hard, mood swings and sleepless nights don't even scratch the surface of what I have been going through, my first thought and possibly yours would be that I am worrying about my work situation but I believe this is not the case.
The struggle within that I am talking about is my belief that I was never supposed to be born male but actually female, my first memory of this was when I was about 8, I remember I used to sit in the closet at the bottom of the stairs and try on your shoes mom. But as I got older and started to realise that this wasn't normal it just started to tear me apart inside, questioning my sexuality numerous times, wondering if it was a fetish, feeling embarrassed and ashamed, scared of you or anybody finding out and what might be the consequences if that happened. So I kept it to myself and carried on through the years, trying to ignore this craving I had to look how I felt inside but I just couldn't. In my late teens I started experimenting with make-up and more clothes but all I could see in the mirror looking back at me was a male wearing what he should not be wearing and I just felt absolutely disgusted and hated myself...I hated the body I was born with, I hated myself for doing something that felt so wrong but also I hated the fact that I could never look like the woman I felt I should be. Alone and full of hate, confusion and fears I had no where to turn and I could not see me ever being happy.
The years came and went, my situation and feelings unchanged were starting to take their toll on my mind, I broke down, became sick with depression, stress and anxiety as you know. This was put down to work, money and ill health but I felt that they were not the main culprit, I desperately wanted to tell my doctor and/or therapist but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, the fear of losing you both, my friends and my job was just too great. I always thought if I could not be happy and cope with this on my own then how could I possibly cope if I lost everything that was good in my life.
During my time sick I started to experiment some more, I got better with make-up and clothes to the point that I actually started to have some belief that I might be able to look like I feel, that was why I spent so much time in my bedroom over those 3 and half months, it made me so happy to see ME looking back. Then of course being worried about me you walked into my bedroom dad and caught me, I know I didn't answer any of your questions at the time, I couldn't as I just froze with fear and shame and then when you slammed my door shut I thought my life was over, that I had upset you, made you angry. My fears... I felt as though they were coming true but I couldn't just leave it like that I had to talk to you both, I believe now that I didn't do enough talking and I should have told you both then what I am telling you now, your reactions comforted me and that would have been the ideal time to come out to you but I didn't and therefore my fears have risen again.
I hope you will both come and talk to me after you have read this, I want us to be open about all of this and I promise I will try and answer any questions you will probably have. If you wish that I seek help I will do that also I just want you to know that I couldn't ask for any better parents and the last thing I want is to hurt you both and make you ill, I love you so much! And I'm sorry...

I really appreciate your message! As much as I dislike it you are right our face to face talks are not very effective. I love you so much! I have spent the last 20 and a half years trying to be the best dad I could despite my flaws. I have always been proud of you and wanted the very best for you. I apologize for the times I have not been the dad I need to be through my actions or words. I need some more time to process and think about your entire message. I will respond soon. Thank you and I will always love you!!!

I really appreciate your message! As much as I dislike it you are right our face to face talks are not very effective. I love you so much! I have spent the last 20 and a half years trying to be the best dad I could despite my flaws. I have always been proud of you and wanted the very best for you. I apologize for the times I have not been the dad I need to be through my actions or words. I need some more time to process and think about your entire message. I will respond soon. Thank you and I will always love you!!!

omg!!!!
a friend came round this afternoon, and asked if i wanted to go to the beach. she said she fancied one not far from me, a quiet little bay. sounded like a great idea, so i got some things together and off we went.
i packed my swimming costume, and a cotton dress to wear over the top, not really thinking i was going to use them, but hey, at least id have the option. as it happens, i did. i actually went swimming in my new swimming costume!!! i didnt bother with the dress, it felt amazing!!
im so so happy. i cant wait for work tomorrow. i had a lovely message from one of the drivers today, telling me not to worry, everyone there is really ok with it all, and that they admire me for following the path that i have to follow. i think i must be the happiest girl ever right now :)

omg!!!!
a friend came round this afternoon, and asked if i wanted to go to the beach. she said she fancied one not far from me, a quiet little bay. sounded like a great idea, so i got some things together and off we went.
i packed my swimming costume, and a cotton dress to wear over the top, not really thinking i was going to use them, but hey, at least id have the option. as it happens, i did. i actually went swimming in my new swimming costume!!! i didnt bother with the dress, it felt amazing!!
im so so happy. i cant wait for work tomorrow. i had a lovely message from one of the drivers today, telling me not to worry, everyone there is really ok with it all, and that they admire me for following the path that i have to follow. i think i must be the happiest girl ever right now :)

Will anyone recall me? Really, it's been so long since I last posted. So much has happened.
I last wrote in the fall of 2009 and it's now the spring of 2011. I am almost a different person.
Perhaps the best news I can offer is that I have finally threaded the needle of transition and have scheduled my SRS in Montreal for January of 2012. Finally, it will happen. It was a trial to get here. It was in October 2007 that I stepped out into the world completely as Ann. It is fortunate that the rush one enjoys at finally taking that step blinds one to all the stares and comments. It was a tentative time but I was blissfully unaware of the impression I was making.
Over the months and now years, I found myself -- or rather, I shed all of the insecurities of my former self and was left with this ephemeral feeling of normality. Actual, what I felt was the absence of 'wrongness' to my life. At 6' and nearly 200 lbs, I'm an attraction at the very minimum. Acceptance by others, though, came more from my growing comfort with self and acceptance of self. My confidence carries the day.
Perhaps the greatest measure of success over the last 3-1/2 years is my ability to 'dress-down' now. And how ironic that I am most readily accepted in my neighbourhood when casual in jeans and a t-shirt. Slowly, I'm tossing my early attempts at attire. How right the truism that the difference between a transvestite and a transsexual is the comfort of her shoes. I'd add clothes to that.
This hasn't been without strain, however. With mother's passing I was at risk of being tossed from her house, where I had cared for her for 2-1/2 years by all of my siblings save one. My older brother is my hero. Nearly 18 months since her passing and I still fighting to take as my inheritance mother's house. It is safe and familiar. It is a claim to my former life that I cannot yet surrender.
I started back at school in the spring of 2010. The first courses went well but it was a challenge. The school tested me and discovered that I was, on top of everything else, ADHD. it actually felt good to know why I had struggled at school before. The help from the college has been wonderful.
My first full academic year however was a bust. Emotionally, I just wasn't strong enough. The experience however was dazzling -- magic. I took a Women's Studies Course -- which I'd recommend to everyone. My new existence unfolded in this class in ways I couldn't have imagined. I made friends - albeit, young - who accepted and responded to me. My best incident came when helping a classmate with her essay in the college library. Looking very earnestly at me during a pause in our research she tentatively asked, "May I ask a personal question?"
"Certainly." I replied, anticipating the topic
"Given how hard it must be now, what made you decide to change from business to social work?"
"Really?" I thought but didn't say aloud. How strange it is when one worries about one thing and finds that others cannot even see it.
I was asked to make some presentations. I was happy to do so.
I have applied to Social Work. I aspire to find a new career as a Social Worker or counsellor. We shall see.
Slowly things are falling into place -- in ways unimagined. I am finding the nooks and crannies of my true personality. There is a new confidence of self that is emerging between the dying embers of uncertainty, self-doubt and even self-loathing.
Gender Dysphoria has left scars. I will continue to suffer depression through my life. But there is promise of a new kind and, yes, I can even say I'm happy.

Will anyone recall me? Really, it's been so long since I last posted. So much has happened.
I last wrote in the fall of 2009 and it's now the spring of 2011. I am almost a different person.
Perhaps the best news I can offer is that I have finally threaded the needle of transition and have scheduled my SRS in Montreal for January of 2012. Finally, it will happen. It was a trial to get here. It was in October 2007 that I stepped out into the world completely as Ann. It is fortunate that the rush one enjoys at finally taking that step blinds one to all the stares and comments. It was a tentative time but I was blissfully unaware of the impression I was making.
Over the months and now years, I found myself -- or rather, I shed all of the insecurities of my former self and was left with this ephemeral feeling of normality. Actual, what I felt was the absence of 'wrongness' to my life. At 6' and nearly 200 lbs, I'm an attraction at the very minimum. Acceptance by others, though, came more from my growing comfort with self and acceptance of self. My confidence carries the day.
Perhaps the greatest measure of success over the last 3-1/2 years is my ability to 'dress-down' now. And how ironic that I am most readily accepted in my neighbourhood when casual in jeans and a t-shirt. Slowly, I'm tossing my early attempts at attire. How right the truism that the difference between a transvestite and a transsexual is the comfort of her shoes. I'd add clothes to that.
This hasn't been without strain, however. With mother's passing I was at risk of being tossed from her house, where I had cared for her for 2-1/2 years by all of my siblings save one. My older brother is my hero. Nearly 18 months since her passing and I still fighting to take as my inheritance mother's house. It is safe and familiar. It is a claim to my former life that I cannot yet surrender.
I started back at school in the spring of 2010. The first courses went well but it was a challenge. The school tested me and discovered that I was, on top of everything else, ADHD. it actually felt good to know why I had struggled at school before. The help from the college has been wonderful.
My first full academic year however was a bust. Emotionally, I just wasn't strong enough. The experience however was dazzling -- magic. I took a Women's Studies Course -- which I'd recommend to everyone. My new existence unfolded in this class in ways I couldn't have imagined. I made friends - albeit, young - who accepted and responded to me. My best incident came when helping a classmate with her essay in the college library. Looking very earnestly at me during a pause in our research she tentatively asked, "May I ask a personal question?"
"Certainly." I replied, anticipating the topic
"Given how hard it must be now, what made you decide to change from business to social work?"
"Really?" I thought but didn't say aloud. How strange it is when one worries about one thing and finds that others cannot even see it.
I was asked to make some presentations. I was happy to do so.
I have applied to Social Work. I aspire to find a new career as a Social Worker or counsellor. We shall see.
Slowly things are falling into place -- in ways unimagined. I am finding the nooks and crannies of my true personality. There is a new confidence of self that is emerging between the dying embers of uncertainty, self-doubt and even self-loathing.
Gender Dysphoria has left scars. I will continue to suffer depression through my life. But there is promise of a new kind and, yes, I can even say I'm happy.

Hi.
I'm post purge, pre-shop. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
During an intensive period of gender anxiety in September of last year I found the courage - or lost the battle, and contacted a Therapist with the intention to commence a conversation. Having never participated in therapy previously I couched my language with words like conversation instead of therapy, and resultantly the person I contacted felt she was unable to help me. That indeed, 'It might be dangerous for me'. So I looked up Harley Street clinicians who would provide pricely qualification and get me out of my shell, but then of course I didn't book.
I know what I am. I don't think I need inflated rate qualifications to tell me the truth, but I do need guidance and listening patient ears, and probably a shoulder to cry upon. I need a moment to scream and release everything inside. I want to feel what it is like to let it out, to relinquish this f**cked up os-so British conservative reserve and experience a pulse, and in a heartbeat to feel an essential nourishment that is unequivocal, entirely necessary, absolutely natural.
I'm post purge, pre-shop. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
So I am lying awake and lying asleep. I am dreaming of reincarnation, and daydreaming of a facsimile, of how I will walk, talk and present and of the clothes that I will wear as I start again. I glance at fashion pages of web-sites of wonder, and stores that sell beauty or at least an illusion. I am growing my hair but do not dare and so also I am researching new wigs and wondering about the discretion of packaging. Purchasing hair-pieces for 'Fancy dress parties or invites to Hen-Nights' are lame previous excuses, so perhaps I'll just march in, stay upright and ask, 'Inverted Bob. Blonde. For a joke bloke'.
Rubbish Bins are expensive I am now thinking..
I'm post purge, pre-shop. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
What I need to do - as I scan the family diaries, is to arrange an opportunity to take the dressing up and away. To move from the nocturnal internal catwalk between bathroom and bedroom and open the door. I need to go out, to be with, to talk to and engage with. Any takers? Anybody happy to receive a dishevelled friendly person in drab, with time on their hands whilst she tinkers and nervously gets herself ready? Anybody happy to clutch a bag that has never been opened, and hold her steady as she reels from the enormity of walking in heels further than a corridor whilst challenged by environmental challenges such as wind, steps and staring eyes? Anybody happy to turn a blind ear to quavering octaves of little rehearsed pronunication, of puppetry body language and comical impersonation. Anybody up for a night with a person that's spent 46 years being another person?
I'm post purge, pre-shop. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
I've got dates lined up for the above, real ones. I know when I could do this, I'm even thinking of giving up alcohol, tuning my diet drinking more water in advance so that my skin is clearer. I'm looking at shoes (tricky the transition between boots and sandles) and I'm releasing that I've lost touch with whatever current fashion might currently be. I've got shortlists of who I would contact and even people here that I think might want to support my wandering that weekend. I actually (irrespective of what you have just read) think this will be fun, sweet, lovely and enlightening.
I'm post purge, pre-shop. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
There's a lot to do know. I need a plan, I need a list, I need support.
I'm really, really sorry that I visit here often but invariably very fleetingly. I do not have the time with a hectic professional life for my family at present, let alone with my familiar self. If you see me pop up and then never contribute, I'm sorry. I'm not a voyeur watching you, the visits here are actually Gender Society watching over me. And I'm OK, thanks.
I'm post purge, pre-shop. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
I like writing. I like writing as Rachel and I wonder whether I have a book in me. My non-de-plume is of course my real name, but that's revealed in a chapter than nobody has read yet.
I'm post purge, pre-shop. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
Time's up.
Rachel x

Hi.
I'm post purge, pre-shop. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
During an intensive period of gender anxiety in September of last year I found the courage - or lost the battle, and contacted a Therapist with the intention to commence a conversation. Having never participated in therapy previously I couched my language with words like conversation instead of therapy, and resultantly the person I contacted felt she was unable to help me. That indeed, 'It might be dangerous for me'. So I looked up Harley Street clinicians who would provide pricely qualification and get me out of my shell, but then of course I didn't book.
I know what I am. I don't think I need inflated rate qualifications to tell me the truth, but I do need guidance and listening patient ears, and probably a shoulder to cry upon. I need a moment to scream and release everything inside. I want to feel what it is like to let it out, to relinquish this f**cked up os-so British conservative reserve and experience a pulse, and in a heartbeat to feel an essential nourishment that is unequivocal, entirely necessary, absolutely natural.
I'm post purge, pre-shop. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
So I am lying awake and lying asleep. I am dreaming of reincarnation, and daydreaming of a facsimile, of how I will walk, talk and present and of the clothes that I will wear as I start again. I glance at fashion pages of web-sites of wonder, and stores that sell beauty or at least an illusion. I am growing my hair but do not dare and so also I am researching new wigs and wondering about the discretion of packaging. Purchasing hair-pieces for 'Fancy dress parties or invites to Hen-Nights' are lame previous excuses, so perhaps I'll just march in, stay upright and ask, 'Inverted Bob. Blonde. For a joke bloke'.
Rubbish Bins are expensive I am now thinking..
I'm post purge, pre-shop. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
What I need to do - as I scan the family diaries, is to arrange an opportunity to take the dressing up and away. To move from the nocturnal internal catwalk between bathroom and bedroom and open the door. I need to go out, to be with, to talk to and engage with. Any takers? Anybody happy to receive a dishevelled friendly person in drab, with time on their hands whilst she tinkers and nervously gets herself ready? Anybody happy to clutch a bag that has never been opened, and hold her steady as she reels from the enormity of walking in heels further than a corridor whilst challenged by environmental challenges such as wind, steps and staring eyes? Anybody happy to turn a blind ear to quavering octaves of little rehearsed pronunication, of puppetry body language and comical impersonation. Anybody up for a night with a person that's spent 46 years being another person?
I'm post purge, pre-shop. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
I've got dates lined up for the above, real ones. I know when I could do this, I'm even thinking of giving up alcohol, tuning my diet drinking more water in advance so that my skin is clearer. I'm looking at shoes (tricky the transition between boots and sandles) and I'm releasing that I've lost touch with whatever current fashion might currently be. I've got shortlists of who I would contact and even people here that I think might want to support my wandering that weekend. I actually (irrespective of what you have just read) think this will be fun, sweet, lovely and enlightening.
I'm post purge, pre-shop. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
There's a lot to do know. I need a plan, I need a list, I need support.
I'm really, really sorry that I visit here often but invariably very fleetingly. I do not have the time with a hectic professional life for my family at present, let alone with my familiar self. If you see me pop up and then never contribute, I'm sorry. I'm not a voyeur watching you, the visits here are actually Gender Society watching over me. And I'm OK, thanks.
I'm post purge, pre-shop. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
I like writing. I like writing as Rachel and I wonder whether I have a book in me. My non-de-plume is of course my real name, but that's revealed in a chapter than nobody has read yet.
I'm post purge, pre-shop. Tick-tock, tick-tock.
Time's up.
Rachel x

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Hello again? I had a reather uneventful day. Most of which was spent on line, sigh
But I did see a unique u tube posting which gave me pause for thought.
It seems that I didn't have a morning routine. So I'd roll out of bed go to that bathroom take care of business, taking my gurly pills and such clean my dentures after they had been sitting in cold water overnight. and such, we musent get to detailed here right. lol
I then sat down in front of my lap top at home and looked for what happened to the world while I was sleeping. After a few hours of this I decided that it was about time i went outside and got some fresh air. I live in a sealed building no opening the windows, grrr.
I put on the bra and manties, then looked around for what else to wear. Oh my everything is fairly well soiled, That is what I get for going so long without doin the laundry. Funny I used to enjoy it so too.
Anywho, I found that when ever I start the day I'm sorta in gender neutral from having started the day so many years now this way.
I thought that I should take a few minutes and meditate or at least say a montry affirming that I am a gurl/woman now. This might help with my guilty feelings in wearing woman's attire outside.
For the past few months I have started carrying a decidely feminine purse, having switched from a gender neutral messenger bag. I've also begun wearing daily earrings. That is about as far as I could allow myself to go. sigh
Not long ago I did have occasion to go out and conduct some business wearing a blouse and earrings carrying a purse. I was surprised pleasantly by the way no one managed to noticiblly notice me. I got a few second glances but that was about it.
I am quite sure that I'm not able to "pass" as soon as i open my mouth i spill the beans cuz i haven't found a way to adjust my voice yet.
I have an appointment with my mental health practical nurse who oversee's my meds except for the gurl pills. I have been out to her for quite sometime but she has never seen me en fem. I have an appointment with her on Tuesday and have today decided that I will go en fem on that day. I will be traveling on public transport but it will not be commuters hours. I wonder what her reaction will be like? giggle
So between tonight and Tuesday noon I will be trying to do all I can to re affirm my feminine personna. giggle
Well that is about all I can think of to say so. . here's hoping. I will try to write on tuesday about the little adventure. Rhonda

Hello again? I had a reather uneventful day. Most of which was spent on line, sigh
But I did see a unique u tube posting which gave me pause for thought.
It seems that I didn't have a morning routine. So I'd roll out of bed go to that bathroom take care of business, taking my gurly pills and such clean my dentures after they had been sitting in cold water overnight. and such, we musent get to detailed here right. lol
I then sat down in front of my lap top at home and looked for what happened to the world while I was sleeping. After a few hours of this I decided that it was about time i went outside and got some fresh air. I live in a sealed building no opening the windows, grrr.
I put on the bra and manties, then looked around for what else to wear. Oh my everything is fairly well soiled, That is what I get for going so long without doin the laundry. Funny I used to enjoy it so too.
Anywho, I found that when ever I start the day I'm sorta in gender neutral from having started the day so many years now this way.
I thought that I should take a few minutes and meditate or at least say a montry affirming that I am a gurl/woman now. This might help with my guilty feelings in wearing woman's attire outside.
For the past few months I have started carrying a decidely feminine purse, having switched from a gender neutral messenger bag. I've also begun wearing daily earrings. That is about as far as I could allow myself to go. sigh
Not long ago I did have occasion to go out and conduct some business wearing a blouse and earrings carrying a purse. I was surprised pleasantly by the way no one managed to noticiblly notice me. I got a few second glances but that was about it.
I am quite sure that I'm not able to "pass" as soon as i open my mouth i spill the beans cuz i haven't found a way to adjust my voice yet.
I have an appointment with my mental health practical nurse who oversee's my meds except for the gurl pills. I have been out to her for quite sometime but she has never seen me en fem. I have an appointment with her on Tuesday and have today decided that I will go en fem on that day. I will be traveling on public transport but it will not be commuters hours. I wonder what her reaction will be like? giggle
So between tonight and Tuesday noon I will be trying to do all I can to re affirm my feminine personna. giggle
Well that is about all I can think of to say so. . here's hoping. I will try to write on tuesday about the little adventure. Rhonda

St Audries Bay TV week , May 2012
This event takes place twice a year in May and September, just a few miles north of Watchet in Somerset, as it was almost a 400 mile drive I had decided that I would not be able to go in September as well, To break the journey I stayed at Ironbridge over the week end and visited a few places in that area which I had wanted to see for years. On the Monday morning 7 May I continued on to St Audries bay, I had been looking forward to this week for months, on arrival I booked into the single chalet with half board I had opted for, nothing fancy but OK – a bit on the small side for the amount of luggage I took!! But fine as long as I kept it tidy, Showered and changed into skirt and top, I went off to explore the facilities which are very good, and to meet some of the other girls (and a few Boys). a few of the girls had their wives with them, the first thing that struck me was some of the way out outfits on show, some outrageous, but none were indecent.
Dinner was served at 18.00 hrs. and the food was to a high standard, this was the time when we really started to get to know each other, so many new faces and names I think we all had a job trying to remember names, after dinner there was a short bingo session (not my cup of tea) before the disco started at 21.00 hrs. again not my thing but there were plenty of other comfortable places to go and just chat over a drink, this is when I first met Marlene a lovely RG lady who gave me a lot of encouragement and advice over the week, she asked me if I was interested in the coach trip organised for the Wednesday – I had already decided not to go but when I found that it was just a mini bus and she told me the details I changed my mind and booked.
The Tuesday was spent quietly getting to know one another, and making lots of new friends, one very experienced girl I was chatting to about trying to be convincing and blending in told me that I was doing well and actually looked like a girl, which again boosted my confidence and looking at some of the girls and their dress sense I could see that I was quite a bit more convincing than some. There was also a table top sale where I bought a couple of bracelets, and the “newbies get together” complete with wine. After dinner they held the first round of “play your cards right” followed by cabaret and disco.
The coach trip left at 11.30 on Wednesday and firstly headed for sea life aquarium at Weston super mare, when we arrived on the sea front there was quite a cold wind coming in from the sea so there were not that many people about which I was quite pleased about as this was just my second time out among “joe public” there were a few people in the aquarium but It almost felt as if we were un noticed with no problems at all which boosted my confidence, We then went back to Watchet where the Esplanade club opened especially for us and put on a lovely buffet meal—far more than we could eat and very high standard, being on the harbour side we were able to go out and mingle with the public and view the boats in the marina , but with a safe “bolt hole” in the club in case of trouble, but we enjoyed our time there without incident, a further boost to my confidence.
On Thursday there was among other things a pool competition which I entered out of a fit of daftness, having never played pool before (I had played a little snooker about 50 years ago) needless to say I was knocked out in the first round – best of 3 games – 1st game I was whitewashed- second game I did manage to pocket 2 balls--- progress of sorts. By this time it was near lunch time and as I had some food in the car and a flask of coffee I took off for Watchet on my own and went to the harbour where we had been the day before, , parked the car as close to the ticket machine as possible, took a deep breath and went and bought a ticket, I then moved as close to the harbour as possible, parked up and had a light lunch while watching passers-by, and especially observing what women were wearing, as there was a cool breeze in from the sea most were wearing coats. I had a light weight coat in the car so put this on in order to “blend in” as far as possible, took a deep breath and set off with my bag over my shoulder, I walked right across the harbour front and into the town without incident and with growing confidence, as I needed some ciggies I looked for a shop which was not too busy and a little way on came to the post office/ gift shop, I stood outside for a few moments, fished my purse out of my bag and went boldly in, the lady behind the counter never batted an eyelid when I asked- very quietly in my best (HA HA ) girly voice asked for 40 Benson & hedges, paid for them , collected my change and strolled out, on my way back to the car I deliberately waked down the side of the street where there were quite a few people about—no problem , as I walked back across the harbour I could hear a steam train of the west Somerset railway approaching so when I got back to the car (the car park is alongside the railway station) I got the camera out and stood by the car waiting for the train to arrive, just then an oldish man came to his car parked 2 spaces away from me and let his dog out, dog immediately came towards me , its owner tried to call it back saying “come here now don’t go bothering the lady” dog took no notice and came up to me tail wagging, so I stroked its ear, it then went back to its owner and he said to it “ yes she was being nice to you” I am quite convinced that he was being genuine and had not read me--- needless to say I was more than a little pleased . The train arrived and I got my photos, by which time it was time to head back, basking in the buzz of my first real time out on my own. That evening was the third and final round of play your cards right, in another fit of daftness I bought a ticket and to my amazement my number was called as the second contestant, My first card was a queen so I went lower and turned up a 2 – so I went higher – and turned up another 2 – that put an end to my moment of glory!! After this was the Miss St Audries Bay competition – which I did not enter! – but was won by Roslyn, one of the girls I had become friends with, she was wearing a lovely lime green evening dress and was a well-deserved winner, another disco rounded the evening off.
Friday saw me itching to go out again, as I had been advised that Minehead was a safe place to go to, off I went wearing my green suite and as there was a cold wind again I put on my heavier camel coat, I was able to park in the main street and set off for a walk, within 40 yards I bumped into Steph, one of the other girls I had met, we had a chat and she told me that she was going to the cider farm which is TV friendly, for a coffee, so I said that once I had my walk I would catch her up at the farm, off I went to the end of the street – about 500 yards, crossed over and started up the other side, about ¾ way back to the car IT happened, I suddenly felt my skirt which has an elasticated waist sliding down over my hips OOOOPs –a few seconds of panic , - I put my hand into my coat pocket and was just in time to grab the waistband of said skirt and pull it back a bit before it hit the ground , I was then able to get slowly back to the car and get in, fortunately I had my emergency sewing kit in the car which contained some safety pins ( a girl’s best friend at a time like this) I sat in the car and discreetly pinned my skirt into position. I was disappointed at not completing my walk so got back out and went a further 50 or 60 yards up the street and back, but was not 100% sure of my pin up job, so decided to skip the cider farm and head for a quiet place where I could make a better job of securing the offending garment . I headed up into the hills on a quiet back road and found the perfect place to effect repairs and have some lunch from my ration box. This done there was plenty of time left so I headed back towards Watchet, on the way I came across a forestry commission car park which was empty – a perfect place to test the security of my skirt—a stroll round the car park a few times put my mind at rest, so on to Watchet, Parked up and made for the harbour again and had another walk but this time there was a party of school kids( dangerous animals so I am told)at the far end of the harbour so I turned back and had a walk along the railway station platform instead, as I was now satisfied that the skirt incident had not un-nerved me I made my way back to St Audries. That evening was largely taken up with “curtain Call” which was a 2 hour show put on by some of the girls, considering that this is done at short notice it was mostly very good.
Saturday saw a few of us heading for the cider farm which I had missed out on the day before, as it was in a very sheltered location the cold wind did not find us and it turned out to be the warmest day of the week, so we enjoyed a coffee and scone in the sunshine, that evening was the Gala dinner followed by prize giving and cabaret . Sunday was a bit sad and quite a few tears were shed as girls departed for home, I had booked to stay on for another 4 days to explore the area more (in Drab) and visit the railway but on the Monday I had a very special trip to make – to Bickleigh Mill near Tiverton to meet the one and only Carol – we had a lovely couple of hours chat and coffee – she really is a super lady – but that is another story.
Did I say I could not go again in September --- I only thought that before I went, so guess what – I’m booked for September and next May – roll on September.

St Audries Bay TV week , May 2012
This event takes place twice a year in May and September, just a few miles north of Watchet in Somerset, as it was almost a 400 mile drive I had decided that I would not be able to go in September as well, To break the journey I stayed at Ironbridge over the week end and visited a few places in that area which I had wanted to see for years. On the Monday morning 7 May I continued on to St Audries bay, I had been looking forward to this week for months, on arrival I booked into the single chalet with half board I had opted for, nothing fancy but OK – a bit on the small side for the amount of luggage I took!! But fine as long as I kept it tidy, Showered and changed into skirt and top, I went off to explore the facilities which are very good, and to meet some of the other girls (and a few Boys). a few of the girls had their wives with them, the first thing that struck me was some of the way out outfits on show, some outrageous, but none were indecent.
Dinner was served at 18.00 hrs. and the food was to a high standard, this was the time when we really started to get to know each other, so many new faces and names I think we all had a job trying to remember names, after dinner there was a short bingo session (not my cup of tea) before the disco started at 21.00 hrs. again not my thing but there were plenty of other comfortable places to go and just chat over a drink, this is when I first met Marlene a lovely RG lady who gave me a lot of encouragement and advice over the week, she asked me if I was interested in the coach trip organised for the Wednesday – I had already decided not to go but when I found that it was just a mini bus and she told me the details I changed my mind and booked.
The Tuesday was spent quietly getting to know one another, and making lots of new friends, one very experienced girl I was chatting to about trying to be convincing and blending in told me that I was doing well and actually looked like a girl, which again boosted my confidence and looking at some of the girls and their dress sense I could see that I was quite a bit more convincing than some. There was also a table top sale where I bought a couple of bracelets, and the “newbies get together” complete with wine. After dinner they held the first round of “play your cards right” followed by cabaret and disco.
The coach trip left at 11.30 on Wednesday and firstly headed for sea life aquarium at Weston super mare, when we arrived on the sea front there was quite a cold wind coming in from the sea so there were not that many people about which I was quite pleased about as this was just my second time out among “joe public” there were a few people in the aquarium but It almost felt as if we were un noticed with no problems at all which boosted my confidence, We then went back to Watchet where the Esplanade club opened especially for us and put on a lovely buffet meal—far more than we could eat and very high standard, being on the harbour side we were able to go out and mingle with the public and view the boats in the marina , but with a safe “bolt hole” in the club in case of trouble, but we enjoyed our time there without incident, a further boost to my confidence.
On Thursday there was among other things a pool competition which I entered out of a fit of daftness, having never played pool before (I had played a little snooker about 50 years ago) needless to say I was knocked out in the first round – best of 3 games – 1st game I was whitewashed- second game I did manage to pocket 2 balls--- progress of sorts. By this time it was near lunch time and as I had some food in the car and a flask of coffee I took off for Watchet on my own and went to the harbour where we had been the day before, , parked the car as close to the ticket machine as possible, took a deep breath and went and bought a ticket, I then moved as close to the harbour as possible, parked up and had a light lunch while watching passers-by, and especially observing what women were wearing, as there was a cool breeze in from the sea most were wearing coats. I had a light weight coat in the car so put this on in order to “blend in” as far as possible, took a deep breath and set off with my bag over my shoulder, I walked right across the harbour front and into the town without incident and with growing confidence, as I needed some ciggies I looked for a shop which was not too busy and a little way on came to the post office/ gift shop, I stood outside for a few moments, fished my purse out of my bag and went boldly in, the lady behind the counter never batted an eyelid when I asked- very quietly in my best (HA HA ) girly voice asked for 40 Benson & hedges, paid for them , collected my change and strolled out, on my way back to the car I deliberately waked down the side of the street where there were quite a few people about—no problem , as I walked back across the harbour I could hear a steam train of the west Somerset railway approaching so when I got back to the car (the car park is alongside the railway station) I got the camera out and stood by the car waiting for the train to arrive, just then an oldish man came to his car parked 2 spaces away from me and let his dog out, dog immediately came towards me , its owner tried to call it back saying “come here now don’t go bothering the lady” dog took no notice and came up to me tail wagging, so I stroked its ear, it then went back to its owner and he said to it “ yes she was being nice to you” I am quite convinced that he was being genuine and had not read me--- needless to say I was more than a little pleased . The train arrived and I got my photos, by which time it was time to head back, basking in the buzz of my first real time out on my own. That evening was the third and final round of play your cards right, in another fit of daftness I bought a ticket and to my amazement my number was called as the second contestant, My first card was a queen so I went lower and turned up a 2 – so I went higher – and turned up another 2 – that put an end to my moment of glory!! After this was the Miss St Audries Bay competition – which I did not enter! – but was won by Roslyn, one of the girls I had become friends with, she was wearing a lovely lime green evening dress and was a well-deserved winner, another disco rounded the evening off.
Friday saw me itching to go out again, as I had been advised that Minehead was a safe place to go to, off I went wearing my green suite and as there was a cold wind again I put on my heavier camel coat, I was able to park in the main street and set off for a walk, within 40 yards I bumped into Steph, one of the other girls I had met, we had a chat and she told me that she was going to the cider farm which is TV friendly, for a coffee, so I said that once I had my walk I would catch her up at the farm, off I went to the end of the street – about 500 yards, crossed over and started up the other side, about ¾ way back to the car IT happened, I suddenly felt my skirt which has an elasticated waist sliding down over my hips OOOOPs –a few seconds of panic , - I put my hand into my coat pocket and was just in time to grab the waistband of said skirt and pull it back a bit before it hit the ground , I was then able to get slowly back to the car and get in, fortunately I had my emergency sewing kit in the car which contained some safety pins ( a girl’s best friend at a time like this) I sat in the car and discreetly pinned my skirt into position. I was disappointed at not completing my walk so got back out and went a further 50 or 60 yards up the street and back, but was not 100% sure of my pin up job, so decided to skip the cider farm and head for a quiet place where I could make a better job of securing the offending garment . I headed up into the hills on a quiet back road and found the perfect place to effect repairs and have some lunch from my ration box. This done there was plenty of time left so I headed back towards Watchet, on the way I came across a forestry commission car park which was empty – a perfect place to test the security of my skirt—a stroll round the car park a few times put my mind at rest, so on to Watchet, Parked up and made for the harbour again and had another walk but this time there was a party of school kids( dangerous animals so I am told)at the far end of the harbour so I turned back and had a walk along the railway station platform instead, as I was now satisfied that the skirt incident had not un-nerved me I made my way back to St Audries. That evening was largely taken up with “curtain Call” which was a 2 hour show put on by some of the girls, considering that this is done at short notice it was mostly very good.
Saturday saw a few of us heading for the cider farm which I had missed out on the day before, as it was in a very sheltered location the cold wind did not find us and it turned out to be the warmest day of the week, so we enjoyed a coffee and scone in the sunshine, that evening was the Gala dinner followed by prize giving and cabaret . Sunday was a bit sad and quite a few tears were shed as girls departed for home, I had booked to stay on for another 4 days to explore the area more (in Drab) and visit the railway but on the Monday I had a very special trip to make – to Bickleigh Mill near Tiverton to meet the one and only Carol – we had a lovely couple of hours chat and coffee – she really is a super lady – but that is another story.
Did I say I could not go again in September --- I only thought that before I went, so guess what – I’m booked for September and next May – roll on September.

OMG.....is it really that long since i blogged? Well, its not been too bad a period for me. On Tuesday, i had an appointment over at the Norwich GIC ( Gender Identity Clinic) with Dr Ted Olive, who i last saw here in Lowestoft back in April of 2006. This time he was accompanied by Barbara Ross who i'd never met before & got on very well with. I certainly gained a lot out of it & knowin that there IS somewhere closer to home is a great help to me, because its hard being stuck out here. But, in just under 4wks time i'm gonna be one very happy girl because my Charllet's coming to stay for a week & just before xmas too. I haven't seen her since mid-july & have missed her so much it hurts. Getting to see her so close to christmas is truly going to be the bestest prezzie EVER!!. There's been some news that everyone in town has been talking about. It even made the local and National news too. Last thursdsay a man was arrested at the train station & it turns out A) he was very drunk & B) he was ONLY carrying two improvised explosive devices ( Bombs) with him as well as certain literature too. He went before the magistrates here who BAILED him, despite him carrying all that stuff with him. I just thank god the MET re-arrested him immediately & he's now in custody facing major Charges relating to terrorism. I Honestly never thought i'd see that kind of thing here, & thinking what could have happened had he not been caught....well it just doesnt bear thinking about does it?.

OMG.....is it really that long since i blogged? Well, its not been too bad a period for me. On Tuesday, i had an appointment over at the Norwich GIC ( Gender Identity Clinic) with Dr Ted Olive, who i last saw here in Lowestoft back in April of 2006. This time he was accompanied by Barbara Ross who i'd never met before & got on very well with. I certainly gained a lot out of it & knowin that there IS somewhere closer to home is a great help to me, because its hard being stuck out here. But, in just under 4wks time i'm gonna be one very happy girl because my Charllet's coming to stay for a week & just before xmas too. I haven't seen her since mid-july & have missed her so much it hurts. Getting to see her so close to christmas is truly going to be the bestest prezzie EVER!!. There's been some news that everyone in town has been talking about. It even made the local and National news too. Last thursdsay a man was arrested at the train station & it turns out A) he was very drunk & B) he was ONLY carrying two improvised explosive devices ( Bombs) with him as well as certain literature too. He went before the magistrates here who BAILED him, despite him carrying all that stuff with him. I just thank god the MET re-arrested him immediately & he's now in custody facing major Charges relating to terrorism. I Honestly never thought i'd see that kind of thing here, & thinking what could have happened had he not been caught....well it just doesnt bear thinking about does it?.

Hi,
In this Mag I have written a article on my forced feminination by a local college, and my various adventures as a female going back to college. Yes the college is forcing me to be a woman at least on campus. Here is a small part on my article. "I was in the office of the dean of students with there chief of police discussing my enrolment into the college my first semester there. I was dressed at the time in a 3 piece mens business suit complete with a tie, and my very male patterned baldness showing.
I said "Do you realise that you are asking a XY male raised man to use thw woman's locker room?"
The chief said "Aaaaaa yaaaa we have to ask you to use the woman's locker room for legal reasons." Oh ya this is going to be good. So thus attired I ventured into the woman's locker room, and was promptly assaulted by 2 Asian female students........
You can read the rest in my article as to what happened. As time goes on I will tell all you of my adventures, and my thoughts on this.
Take Cree,
Elder A. Vickie Boisseau CPS
I am not my body. - Thich Nhat Hanh

Hi,
In this Mag I have written a article on my forced feminination by a local college, and my various adventures as a female going back to college. Yes the college is forcing me to be a woman at least on campus. Here is a small part on my article. "I was in the office of the dean of students with there chief of police discussing my enrolment into the college my first semester there. I was dressed at the time in a 3 piece mens business suit complete with a tie, and my very male patterned baldness showing.
I said "Do you realise that you are asking a XY male raised man to use thw woman's locker room?"
The chief said "Aaaaaa yaaaa we have to ask you to use the woman's locker room for legal reasons." Oh ya this is going to be good. So thus attired I ventured into the woman's locker room, and was promptly assaulted by 2 Asian female students........
You can read the rest in my article as to what happened. As time goes on I will tell all you of my adventures, and my thoughts on this.
Take Cree,
Elder A. Vickie Boisseau CPS
I am not my body. - Thich Nhat Hanh

This is my take on our girls weekend out in Milton Keynes arranged by Faye
For me the weekend started on thurs evening with packing, what to take what not to take? So i took way to much of everything.
As i had booked for a make over at Style Me Quirky on the friday i packed two bags, one for friday, clothes for travelling back, two options ( i can never make my mind up what to wear) shoes, make up and loads of other stuff. The other bag was packed for saturday, even more shoes, 5 or 6 dresses, casual clothes, and way to much other stuff. Finally with everything packed it was off to bed to try to sleep, with the excitement building sleep eventually came in the early hours.
Friday morning arrives, the bags are put ih the car and im off. Driving to Milton Keynes so much goes through my mind. Will we all get on, what will the hotel and club be like, will i have the nerve to spend the whole weekend as Monique. Before i realise it I have arrived in Milton Keynes, way to early, its only 11.15. A quick check on the hotel location I decide to kill some time by going for a drive around. A quick trip up the road and i discover a shopping complex. So I decide to have a quick look around. First stop was TK Max, lots of cheap clothes but i dont have the nerve to look through the miles of rails as the shop is really busy. Next stop is Brantanos, here the problem is opposite, the shop is void of people and i feel very self concious walking around the womens shoes. I feel as though the sale assistants are watching me and laughing inside, im sure they are not but i decide to head out, im sure the young female assistant gave me a knowing smile as i head out the door. Back in the car i kick myself for being so stupid and realise that if i am going to enjoy this weekend i will need to be more confident, not a real strong point for me.
I decide to get something to eat as ive had no food since Thursday evening. Just around the corner i find a Burger King. A quick burger meal then i head to the hotel. I sit in the carpark reading the paper waiting for the girls to arrive. Again so much goes through my mind and im starting to feel really nervous about the whole weekend. I am bought back to reality by a text message from Debs, Faye has picked her up from the airport and they are on their way. A short time later i recognise a blue Saab as it pulls up in the car park, and nearly flattens a hedge. I nervously get out of the car and walk over. The first thing that happens is a big hug from Debs, then a hug from Faye. We stand and chat for a short while and i can honestly say from that first hug my confidence is growing and my nerves seem to have gone. We check in to the hotel laughing and joking all the time, we all end up in rooms next to one another, so we head upstairs to get settled before we head off to London.
We all meet outside the rooms. Faye has changed while me and Debs are still in drab mode. Faye is muttering something about not looking good, but i think she looks great. We head to the car park put mine and Debs bags in the car and we are off to London. The drive is pretty uneventfull, but the chat in the car is good and we have a good laugh on the journey. The more we chat and laugh the more relaxed and confident i feel about the weekend. We arrive in London park the car and make our way to the Styke Me Quirky studio.
We get to the studio and call Pops to say we have arrived, by this time i am doing a stupid dance as i am busting for a pee, of course the girls are sympathetic about this, NOT, but we have a laugh about it. I my case a little laugh as i dont want to wet myself literally. Pops and Kelly come down to meet us and i make a mad dash for the loo. I return to find everyone chatting and getting on like a house on fire so i just join in the chat while we have a smoke before going in for the make over. Seeing Pops again is like meeting an old friend and we chat like you would with someone you see everyday. We finish our cigs and head into the studio. For me personally this makeover was much easier than the first as i feel at ease with the Style Me Quirky crew even though ive never met Kelly before. I will not go into the make over now, but i will say it was a blast especially when Cathy arrived. you need to read Debs blog about her make over.
We leave the studio around midnight and head to Pops house for a quick drink before we head back to Milton Keynes. We chat for a while about the day and have a good laugh. On a personal note while having a smoke in the garden with just Pops we have a personal chat, and as much as Pops has found a client who will return when possible i would also class Pops as a friend who cares. We all say our farewells throw the bags in the car and we head back to Milton Keynes.
Driving back we chat about the day so far and we all agree it has been a great day. The drive back was a lot quicker, mainly because lack of traffic but also down to my heavy right foot, thank god the sat nav pics up speed cameras. Debs and Faye have a bit of a snooze on the way back, i know because i can here the radio.............lol. I must admit i cannot stop smiling all the way back as i have had a great day with a couple of great girls. At this time i would honestly say i was flagging having had such a long day, but when we get close to the hotel it is decided we will go to PP's and it was the right decision.
to be continued

This is my take on our girls weekend out in Milton Keynes arranged by Faye
For me the weekend started on thurs evening with packing, what to take what not to take? So i took way to much of everything.
As i had booked for a make over at Style Me Quirky on the friday i packed two bags, one for friday, clothes for travelling back, two options ( i can never make my mind up what to wear) shoes, make up and loads of other stuff. The other bag was packed for saturday, even more shoes, 5 or 6 dresses, casual clothes, and way to much other stuff. Finally with everything packed it was off to bed to try to sleep, with the excitement building sleep eventually came in the early hours.
Friday morning arrives, the bags are put ih the car and im off. Driving to Milton Keynes so much goes through my mind. Will we all get on, what will the hotel and club be like, will i have the nerve to spend the whole weekend as Monique. Before i realise it I have arrived in Milton Keynes, way to early, its only 11.15. A quick check on the hotel location I decide to kill some time by going for a drive around. A quick trip up the road and i discover a shopping complex. So I decide to have a quick look around. First stop was TK Max, lots of cheap clothes but i dont have the nerve to look through the miles of rails as the shop is really busy. Next stop is Brantanos, here the problem is opposite, the shop is void of people and i feel very self concious walking around the womens shoes. I feel as though the sale assistants are watching me and laughing inside, im sure they are not but i decide to head out, im sure the young female assistant gave me a knowing smile as i head out the door. Back in the car i kick myself for being so stupid and realise that if i am going to enjoy this weekend i will need to be more confident, not a real strong point for me.
I decide to get something to eat as ive had no food since Thursday evening. Just around the corner i find a Burger King. A quick burger meal then i head to the hotel. I sit in the carpark reading the paper waiting for the girls to arrive. Again so much goes through my mind and im starting to feel really nervous about the whole weekend. I am bought back to reality by a text message from Debs, Faye has picked her up from the airport and they are on their way. A short time later i recognise a blue Saab as it pulls up in the car park, and nearly flattens a hedge. I nervously get out of the car and walk over. The first thing that happens is a big hug from Debs, then a hug from Faye. We stand and chat for a short while and i can honestly say from that first hug my confidence is growing and my nerves seem to have gone. We check in to the hotel laughing and joking all the time, we all end up in rooms next to one another, so we head upstairs to get settled before we head off to London.
We all meet outside the rooms. Faye has changed while me and Debs are still in drab mode. Faye is muttering something about not looking good, but i think she looks great. We head to the car park put mine and Debs bags in the car and we are off to London. The drive is pretty uneventfull, but the chat in the car is good and we have a good laugh on the journey. The more we chat and laugh the more relaxed and confident i feel about the weekend. We arrive in London park the car and make our way to the Styke Me Quirky studio.
We get to the studio and call Pops to say we have arrived, by this time i am doing a stupid dance as i am busting for a pee, of course the girls are sympathetic about this, NOT, but we have a laugh about it. I my case a little laugh as i dont want to wet myself literally. Pops and Kelly come down to meet us and i make a mad dash for the loo. I return to find everyone chatting and getting on like a house on fire so i just join in the chat while we have a smoke before going in for the make over. Seeing Pops again is like meeting an old friend and we chat like you would with someone you see everyday. We finish our cigs and head into the studio. For me personally this makeover was much easier than the first as i feel at ease with the Style Me Quirky crew even though ive never met Kelly before. I will not go into the make over now, but i will say it was a blast especially when Cathy arrived. you need to read Debs blog about her make over.
We leave the studio around midnight and head to Pops house for a quick drink before we head back to Milton Keynes. We chat for a while about the day and have a good laugh. On a personal note while having a smoke in the garden with just Pops we have a personal chat, and as much as Pops has found a client who will return when possible i would also class Pops as a friend who cares. We all say our farewells throw the bags in the car and we head back to Milton Keynes.
Driving back we chat about the day so far and we all agree it has been a great day. The drive back was a lot quicker, mainly because lack of traffic but also down to my heavy right foot, thank god the sat nav pics up speed cameras. Debs and Faye have a bit of a snooze on the way back, i know because i can here the radio.............lol. I must admit i cannot stop smiling all the way back as i have had a great day with a couple of great girls. At this time i would honestly say i was flagging having had such a long day, but when we get close to the hotel it is decided we will go to PP's and it was the right decision.
to be continued

So Today ,
I took a days Holiday went to London, main reason was see gender Specialist for routine appointment. Writing now I think I should explain first what a "Miranda" is and How its part of a Transgendered Persons life [ at least M2F]. Miranda Hart is a UK Comedienne [ a GG] quite commonly on Television, See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miranda_Hart
Main facet of Mirandas comedy is based on her Physical Image, See You Tube Medley to get the idea
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTf17cmPl0I
. -There it is , delivery Man comes in to Mirandas Pet shop, asks for a signature , Miranda Scribbles , delivery Man says "Thank you Sir" and casually carries on with his job. Miranda just looks to Camera No words ... The expression says " Yes I get this and not for the first time , not a lot I can do about it, seeing as you have already made up your mind. ".
I love this because it is Humour as an education by means of self reflection, not as a harmful sneer at someone else. [theres a quote not sure where- If you can laugh at youself you will always be amused].
So you are trying your best , refining the changes and look. Your Voice is not Great though. --Yes thats me, but I am happy with things.
- My first Miranda was getting a Rail Ticket. I asked the Lady at the Ticket Kiosk for an all day Ticket with London Underground pass and paid for it by Card. Possible reason was I handed over the Card [ name not changed] , or Probably Voice. it was early morning.Incidentally I thought I was being wise by buying the Underground ticket at the start of the journey, as on a Previous Outing London I got a Miranda from the Waterloo Station Ticket office . I thought Image wise I looked alright, clothes selection and Hair are good , and I just tend to be very relaxed, helps the movement.
Before the second Miranda , I walked up and down Oxford Street before 9.30, Shops where not open yet[ it is London afterall]. The early Breakfast cups of Tea had taken their effect, leading me to seek out an early Opening Coffee shop. I prefer Costa Coffee , but settled for Starbucks at the point of Mild desperation. Thats nice , discreet 2 Floor lay out and Unisex Toilets. , through the Door, ladies is seperate okay, oh dear a queue..This early!!. At this point in time I am okay ,but did not want to wait in the queue . I guess there is a side to me that says be discreet you just want to fit in and be unnoticed, even if there is a remote chance I dont want anyone to be upset If I am queuing in the ladies. Plan B theres another Starbucks other side of the road, . Had a small Mocha, and Fruit Salad. Iam sure "Skinny Latte" sounds more feminine than Mocha , but I like the chocolate and dont understand why any Milk should be skimmed and made skinny in the first case.
I am revived after the Mocha and Fruit salad. My tip for weight is eat lots of fruit . It has been proven that the Fruit Bat is the greediest Animal in the Zoo in terms of consumption over Body weight, and it can still fly.
There are some thoughts i put down on the IPAd in preperation for the Appointment , remind myself of some questions to be asked, go through what has been changing and my circumstances. I tend to be more balanced and Focused about everything now..long may this continue ..but there is life and the things we cannot control
- Second Miranda- By this time the shops have opened so I take advantage of the large Selection, still Sales Items available. I am very Selective nowadays , and the mones are having the effect that I am more discriminating . the fabrics have got to be soft and make me go mmh thats nice. Time to try somethings on.... I cannot go over board as it is the age of Austerity and I am as affected by the economic situation as most people. Ah Just got time before the appointment .. I try on the Garments in the Ladies Fitting room after being presented with the plastic security key thingy by the Lady attendent. I am slowly getting used to the Multi mirror s front back and side . Unfortunately there an angle that draws attention to my Thick neck, which has not yet been masked over by my hair growing long. Still its getting better , and not as bad as it once was. The Jumper with roll neck is very good and has a long body length , extends passed the bum and billows out a bit there .will go weel with a High Waist Belt[ my prefferedDress fix] breaks the Naturally Straight Body line allows curves to be suggested by the Dress Drape [ I think anyway]. Other throw over long cardy is good also , very Soft and light Purple [colour i like] and the big plus of pockets . I am always on the look out for convenient dresses with pockets , but Choice looks limited.
Meanwhile I listen to the 2 Lady Attendents Chatting ,The young One says something about an instance when she got upset with her Dad and said "Listen you dont know what its like to be a Teenage Girl with all these Hormones".
Pleased with Myself as the price was good I go to the older Lady Attendent "How where they ", "Very Good, I think I will take these" I said ,
I handed over the Plastic Security thingy.."Thank You Sir" She said 0-2
I quickly Paid for the Wooly Jumpers , with card, and Rushed to the appointment
It was my Third Appointment , but they must have changed something on the entrance As I could not locate it I embarrasingly rang them to ask which number . All went well at the appointment .
Afterwards I was reflecting on my reaction to the Miranda instances, and trying to make sure I have smiley contented type face . This is actually How I feel nowadays , but I am conscious that through the years I default to a scowl which is not friendly , and does not really help me [ ot anyone else for that Matter].
I walk pass by this small petit Lady Hair swept Back well defined Smiley Cheeks , dressed casually and stylish and warm [ there is still a bit of morning chill]. Afterwards I think Could that Have been Kylie. Well those sort of things dont matter. [ In a past incident Jose Mourinho bashed my Computer bag whilst rusing to get to the lift in a Hotel in Korea whilst I was on a business trip [ in the boom time]. I did not notice it was him , as he is considerably smaller than my perception
well outside my Radar Screen. ] We are all People , however famous ,however different .
After Appointment . I had a nice Quiet Contemplative Lunch of Tea and a small Sandwich. Eating it slowly Whilst lloking at the Aerial display of Formation Pidgeons from the window on a high floor in the dept store Coffee shop . I felt relaxed. I went back to the department store to get some girly Running Togs. I like to keep Fit and cross country Running,jogging what ever you like to call it has always been something I do and find comfort it, especially early in the morning when its quiet and still.
I found a few pairs that will do me Amazingly I do not get an additional Miranda in the process,
I meander my Way to the bottom floor and go past the Cosmetic dept , lovely Scents. I think I have not really got a good grasp of Make up , too many other things to sort out and occupying my mind . But today is an opportunity. London is not bad in this respect , there is a certain anonymity you can have , afterall There are lots of tall Girls , Lots of varied people
Many of the people in London have the attitude " I will only see you once "
. I am not trying to draw attention to myself . The mones are certianly making me feel more relaxed. I ask on e of the attendents at he cosmetic counter what is the recommendation for Fair skinned People like me with Auburn hair , and light Eye brows . Sensing a a Sale .. I was made to feel comfortable and seated [ in the middle of a Busy London department Store] and advised wwith a makeover . My eyes where done also , I wish I could do Eyeliner.. Wow thats good I never thought My face and eyes could look this good . Lesson there is no shame in concealer]
It was time to make my way back to the train station to return home . I got off the underground at Embarkment, remembering there was a Costa Coffee shop there. I had a small Mocha , and Blueberry Muffin and was called Madam. [1-2].
I sat close to a Eurpean couple [French and Italian] of my Age talking, The lady was talking about her Eyesight ,after 40 ,50 and glasses to her partner. She looked at me as I was just putting my glasses back on after cleaning them ,I smiled , she smiled back.Sometimes theres a reminder We share more in common than our differences.
[ The Miranda scores mean nothing stop counting]
I decided to walk over Jubilee Bridge to Waterloo Station. it winter time now and the suns getting lower. Its been a nice day and the sky has cleared enough to now be warm. I stop halfway across the bridge, look at the water , and shut my eyes toward the sun. Its just Nice to take some time away for yourself occasionally. My mind often adds a sountrack to events , it started to play Waterloo Sunset . This made me feel good . I remember liking english Writing creative essays at school , there was big poster in the class room of Terence Stamp and Juliet Christie."Far from the Madding Crowd". Happy Times... I ambled along to the train station and went home .. A day well spent . time to simply capture it

So Today ,
I took a days Holiday went to London, main reason was see gender Specialist for routine appointment. Writing now I think I should explain first what a "Miranda" is and How its part of a Transgendered Persons life [ at least M2F]. Miranda Hart is a UK Comedienne [ a GG] quite commonly on Television, See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miranda_Hart
Main facet of Mirandas comedy is based on her Physical Image, See You Tube Medley to get the idea
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTf17cmPl0I
. -There it is , delivery Man comes in to Mirandas Pet shop, asks for a signature , Miranda Scribbles , delivery Man says "Thank you Sir" and casually carries on with his job. Miranda just looks to Camera No words ... The expression says " Yes I get this and not for the first time , not a lot I can do about it, seeing as you have already made up your mind. ".
I love this because it is Humour as an education by means of self reflection, not as a harmful sneer at someone else. [theres a quote not sure where- If you can laugh at youself you will always be amused].
So you are trying your best , refining the changes and look. Your Voice is not Great though. --Yes thats me, but I am happy with things.
- My first Miranda was getting a Rail Ticket. I asked the Lady at the Ticket Kiosk for an all day Ticket with London Underground pass and paid for it by Card. Possible reason was I handed over the Card [ name not changed] , or Probably Voice. it was early morning.Incidentally I thought I was being wise by buying the Underground ticket at the start of the journey, as on a Previous Outing London I got a Miranda from the Waterloo Station Ticket office . I thought Image wise I looked alright, clothes selection and Hair are good , and I just tend to be very relaxed, helps the movement.
Before the second Miranda , I walked up and down Oxford Street before 9.30, Shops where not open yet[ it is London afterall]. The early Breakfast cups of Tea had taken their effect, leading me to seek out an early Opening Coffee shop. I prefer Costa Coffee , but settled for Starbucks at the point of Mild desperation. Thats nice , discreet 2 Floor lay out and Unisex Toilets. , through the Door, ladies is seperate okay, oh dear a queue..This early!!. At this point in time I am okay ,but did not want to wait in the queue . I guess there is a side to me that says be discreet you just want to fit in and be unnoticed, even if there is a remote chance I dont want anyone to be upset If I am queuing in the ladies. Plan B theres another Starbucks other side of the road, . Had a small Mocha, and Fruit Salad. Iam sure "Skinny Latte" sounds more feminine than Mocha , but I like the chocolate and dont understand why any Milk should be skimmed and made skinny in the first case.
I am revived after the Mocha and Fruit salad. My tip for weight is eat lots of fruit . It has been proven that the Fruit Bat is the greediest Animal in the Zoo in terms of consumption over Body weight, and it can still fly.
There are some thoughts i put down on the IPAd in preperation for the Appointment , remind myself of some questions to be asked, go through what has been changing and my circumstances. I tend to be more balanced and Focused about everything now..long may this continue ..but there is life and the things we cannot control
- Second Miranda- By this time the shops have opened so I take advantage of the large Selection, still Sales Items available. I am very Selective nowadays , and the mones are having the effect that I am more discriminating . the fabrics have got to be soft and make me go mmh thats nice. Time to try somethings on.... I cannot go over board as it is the age of Austerity and I am as affected by the economic situation as most people. Ah Just got time before the appointment .. I try on the Garments in the Ladies Fitting room after being presented with the plastic security key thingy by the Lady attendent. I am slowly getting used to the Multi mirror s front back and side . Unfortunately there an angle that draws attention to my Thick neck, which has not yet been masked over by my hair growing long. Still its getting better , and not as bad as it once was. The Jumper with roll neck is very good and has a long body length , extends passed the bum and billows out a bit there .will go weel with a High Waist Belt[ my prefferedDress fix] breaks the Naturally Straight Body line allows curves to be suggested by the Dress Drape [ I think anyway]. Other throw over long cardy is good also , very Soft and light Purple [colour i like] and the big plus of pockets . I am always on the look out for convenient dresses with pockets , but Choice looks limited.
Meanwhile I listen to the 2 Lady Attendents Chatting ,The young One says something about an instance when she got upset with her Dad and said "Listen you dont know what its like to be a Teenage Girl with all these Hormones".
Pleased with Myself as the price was good I go to the older Lady Attendent "How where they ", "Very Good, I think I will take these" I said ,
I handed over the Plastic Security thingy.."Thank You Sir" She said 0-2
I quickly Paid for the Wooly Jumpers , with card, and Rushed to the appointment
It was my Third Appointment , but they must have changed something on the entrance As I could not locate it I embarrasingly rang them to ask which number . All went well at the appointment .
Afterwards I was reflecting on my reaction to the Miranda instances, and trying to make sure I have smiley contented type face . This is actually How I feel nowadays , but I am conscious that through the years I default to a scowl which is not friendly , and does not really help me [ ot anyone else for that Matter].
I walk pass by this small petit Lady Hair swept Back well defined Smiley Cheeks , dressed casually and stylish and warm [ there is still a bit of morning chill]. Afterwards I think Could that Have been Kylie. Well those sort of things dont matter. [ In a past incident Jose Mourinho bashed my Computer bag whilst rusing to get to the lift in a Hotel in Korea whilst I was on a business trip [ in the boom time]. I did not notice it was him , as he is considerably smaller than my perception
well outside my Radar Screen. ] We are all People , however famous ,however different .
After Appointment . I had a nice Quiet Contemplative Lunch of Tea and a small Sandwich. Eating it slowly Whilst lloking at the Aerial display of Formation Pidgeons from the window on a high floor in the dept store Coffee shop . I felt relaxed. I went back to the department store to get some girly Running Togs. I like to keep Fit and cross country Running,jogging what ever you like to call it has always been something I do and find comfort it, especially early in the morning when its quiet and still.
I found a few pairs that will do me Amazingly I do not get an additional Miranda in the process,
I meander my Way to the bottom floor and go past the Cosmetic dept , lovely Scents. I think I have not really got a good grasp of Make up , too many other things to sort out and occupying my mind . But today is an opportunity. London is not bad in this respect , there is a certain anonymity you can have , afterall There are lots of tall Girls , Lots of varied people
Many of the people in London have the attitude " I will only see you once "
. I am not trying to draw attention to myself . The mones are certianly making me feel more relaxed. I ask on e of the attendents at he cosmetic counter what is the recommendation for Fair skinned People like me with Auburn hair , and light Eye brows . Sensing a a Sale .. I was made to feel comfortable and seated [ in the middle of a Busy London department Store] and advised wwith a makeover . My eyes where done also , I wish I could do Eyeliner.. Wow thats good I never thought My face and eyes could look this good . Lesson there is no shame in concealer]
It was time to make my way back to the train station to return home . I got off the underground at Embarkment, remembering there was a Costa Coffee shop there. I had a small Mocha , and Blueberry Muffin and was called Madam. [1-2].
I sat close to a Eurpean couple [French and Italian] of my Age talking, The lady was talking about her Eyesight ,after 40 ,50 and glasses to her partner. She looked at me as I was just putting my glasses back on after cleaning them ,I smiled , she smiled back.Sometimes theres a reminder We share more in common than our differences.
[ The Miranda scores mean nothing stop counting]
I decided to walk over Jubilee Bridge to Waterloo Station. it winter time now and the suns getting lower. Its been a nice day and the sky has cleared enough to now be warm. I stop halfway across the bridge, look at the water , and shut my eyes toward the sun. Its just Nice to take some time away for yourself occasionally. My mind often adds a sountrack to events , it started to play Waterloo Sunset . This made me feel good . I remember liking english Writing creative essays at school , there was big poster in the class room of Terence Stamp and Juliet Christie."Far from the Madding Crowd". Happy Times... I ambled along to the train station and went home .. A day well spent . time to simply capture it

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Briana's Music Room
Hi, and welcome to my music room. First I would like to thank one of my sisters, Chrissy Charland for making this possible. Hugs girl. I got my first guitar in Mexico when I was around six, I played with my moms before that. I didn't get serious about playing until I was a teenager and played with my best friend who was killed in an accident when we were twenty. I am self taught, the only music training I have had was playing sax in grade school band. My teacher talked me into playing baritone sax and he liked to have the band play current popular music like Santana. I was always given bass guitar parts to play on my baritone sax, maybe that's where I got interested in the bass. I used to say if it has strings, I can play it. Then one day I got my hands on a violin. I am here to tell you that the violin is the devils work and anyone that can play one has sold his or her soul to make that sweet sound. I have a lot of influences but with the bass, there is really only one, Geddy Lee. My plan is to post one song a week until I run out of finished material, after that, who knows. And now, let's get to the music. Hope you enjoy, and thanks for visiting my music room.
6/1/11 "Lee"
This song was done about a year ago. It is the first blues piece I have ever done. I wrote it for my sweetie and it is named for her. It had to be the first piece that I posted here. Love You. There are two versions of this song, this is the first version. There are mistakes in all of my pieces but I am very happy with the way this came out. I guess it's all about what you can live with.
Instruments - three
Guitar - one track, BC Rich "Warlock"
Bass - one track, Ibenez fretless
Drums - micro BR electronic drum machine
click here
Lee (clean version).wav
6/7/11
Live in concert
"Ridicule"
I have a friend at work that is learning to play the guitar. I help him with things and have gone to his place to give him lessons. Whenever I am recording a new piece, I bring my recorder in to work and let him listen to it during each step of the recording. He gets to hear the piece in layers until it is finally finished with all the instruments. Sometimes I will tell him, "I'm not happy with this part, or that part. I'm going to rerecord this or that." He always tells me, "You're crazy, I don't hear anything wrong with that. You should put a band together and I have the perfect name, RIDICULE, cause you always pick apart everything you do." Like i said in the notes for "Lee", there are mistakes in all of my pieces, but they have to be acceptable to me before I will call a piece done. I have a standard for the level of quality, only once have I lowered my standard on a piece. Which brings us to
Song # 2
"The Spirit of the Great White North"
The names from my songs come from a lot of different places. I am a big fan of progressive rock. Styx, Kansas, and of course, Rush. I wanted to do something in that style, the style of Rush. Heavy bass, guitar arpeggios, hard crunchy guitar, and some keyboards. Rush is from Canada so, The Spirit of the Great White North. The production side of this one was, well I could say difficult but then I would be lying. It was insane and I'm suprised that I finished it. Because of that, my tolerence level for imperfections dropped considerably. Don't get me wrong, it came out pretty good, but there are more improfections in this one than any other piece I have done. "Live in concert, RIDICULE."
Instruments - five
Guitar - Two tracts in the intro, one through the rest of the song. All done with a fender electric acoustic run through various effects boxes. ( I didn't have my Warlock yet)
Bass - Ibenez fretless
Keyboards - Roland SH09 and RS09 synthesizers
Drums - micro br electronic drum machine
click here
Spirit Of The Great White North.wav
Song Three
6/14/11
"Monsoon Rain"
I live in the desert, we get about half of our anual rain in a one month period from mid July, to mid August. The storm pattern is called monsoon. One August afternoon I was sitting on a rock at a popular mountain overlook, picking on my acoustic. Almost every August afternoon our skies turn black and a storm rolls in. Sometimes it rains, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it rains on the house across the street and you don't get a drop. But we love the rain here. In the desert, water is life, and the desert explodes with the color of wild flowers. Anyway, I was sitting on my rock, working on something new, and this storm was rolling in, It was an incredible experience, seeing the downpoors drifting across the desert floor. Smelling the wet creosote, which smells so good. This is the song that came to be that afternoon. It is a guitar oriented song that is comparable to, maybe the early Ginn Blossoms. Hope you enjoy.
Instruments - five
Guitar - there are three playing continuously through the song, all were done with my Fender electric acoustic
Bass - as always, Ibanez fretless
Drums - Micro BR elctronic drum machine
Cick here
Monsoon Rain.wav
Song four
6/23/11
Marvin Martian's March
This song is one of my older pieces. I did it when I was in my mid twenties, and I recorded it the first time using multiple cassette tape recorders. That version had bass, keyboards, and a drum machine. I recorded it again about four years ago with my digital four track. In fact it was the first song I recorded when I bought my recorder. The bass line is the same as the original version. It is a bass piece but it is very different than any of my other bass pieces. The entire song is slap, hammers, and pulls. There isn't a single plucked note in the entire piece. The background music was changed a little. The main backing is now rhythm guitar and ther is very faint keyboards in the background to give it a little more depth. I am very happy with the way it came out except for one thing. I hadn't found the sound I wanted to get out of my bass through the recorder until my third song I recorded. I wish it sounded a little more "tinney" and had a little more punch to it. It was a hard song to name. It has a serious sound to it, yet a silly sound to it. When I listen to it I can sort of picture that old Warner Brothers cartoon charater Marvin Martian. He tried to be so serious yet was kind of goofy. Anyway, that's where the name came from, if you don't know Marvin, I'm sure you could google him.
Instruments - four
Bass - one track, as always, Ibenez fretless
Guitar - one track, fender electric acoustic
Keyboards - Roland RS 09 synth
Drums - micro br electronic drum machine
Click Here
Marvin Martian's March.wav
Song five
6/29/11
The Axe Handler
Well, I would say that this next song is the last of the new styles for my music, at least at this point. Don't get me wrong, there is more music coming, and I am playing again so there is even more new stuff coming. I think I have six more finished after this one, and I am working on two more new ones. I don't have as much time to devote to playing as I would like, I am also working on a garden which I hope to share through pictures when it is done. Anyway, back to the music. The Axe Handler is my atempt at 80s big hair rock. The kind of music that the last band I was in played. The kind of music I grew up on. Most of the bass players of that era were what I would call sell outs. Stand in the back by the drums and hammer 1/8 notes all night, for the most part, the same 1/8 note. Sometimes only three or four notes in the whole song, that's just wrong. I always tried to put a little more into the songs we did with the bass. I tried to do a little with this one but this is a guitar oriented song. I had a hard time with the name on this one. I tried to come up with something to reflect the attitude of the time and era, I know it's lame but it's the best I could come up with.
Instruments - four
Guitar - two tracks, both were done with my B.C. Rich Warlock
Bass - Duh !! Ibanez Fretless
Drums - micro br electronic drum machine
Click here
The Axe Handler.wav
Song six
7/4/11
Crusty's Demize
Crusty's Demize was actually the first song I did for Lee. I know that already sounds bad so let me back up a bit. She really likes the song, I think it came out pretty good too, but it is a bit dark. She likes all of my music, but likes it most when I am just picking arpeggios on the acoustic. Ok, that's where I should start this one. Lets make it different, unusual........... I know, how about an odd time signature, I went with 3/4. I'm not sure what posessed me to put a minor chord in there but there it is. When I'm working on something new, I spend some time laying out the main track/instrument. The rest of them are semi improvised. I am not someone that can just jump into something new and improvise a part. When I do make something new though, I play the first track and it ........ inspires the other tracks. Ok, lets do the math.
Odd time signature + minor chord + guitar riffs that end in decending pitch = dark sounding piece. Not exactly something you write for someone you love. The name, at this point what else could I do. The lead guitar is highly compressed and almost sounds like some kind of evil circus music to me, and the most famous clown I know is Crusty from the Simpsons so ...... Crusty's Demize. This is the slowest piece I have ever done, it's not my favorite but I like it. It's definitely an example of what happens when you put to much thought into art. Hope you enjoy.
Instruments - four
Guitars - Two tracks, melody - fender electric acoustic, Lead B.C. Rich Warlock
Bass - Ibanez fretless
Drums - On this one I used my Boss DR 220 electronic drum machine. The whole thing was programmed beat by beat so the drums match the acoustic guiter.
Cick here
Crusty's Demize.wav
7/8/11
Song seven
Lead Rain
So where do you go the week after posting the slowest song you have done, to the land of whiplash of course. Full speed ahead, or as Danusha would probably say, warp factor nine. My guitar songs come from me trying different things, just looking for things that sound good to me. Most of my bass pieces start off as an excercise to improve on one thing or another. This song is the most true example of that out of all of my material. The excercise, improving right hand finger speed. Can I get to a point where I can rattle off an entire measure of 1/16 notes on my bass. A lot of people would say on a bass, why would you want to ? And of course my answer would be, cause Geddy does it, and then some. I think I would have to say I think I nailed it on this one. This is the Lamborghini of my bass pieces, if it doesn't make it go fast, we don't need it. The verse.......... not much to it. The chorus.............not much there either. But the bridge that connects them together, 5 measures of continuous 1/16 notes. That's EIGHTY consecutive 1/16 notes................. in about 9 seconds................on a bass. This is my biggest acomplishment as far as my bass pieces go. There are no key boards in this song, some people think there are. There is guitar run through a flanger behind the bass. The name, well it sounds like it's raining lead.
Instruments - four
Bass - Ibanez fretless
Guitars - two tracks, both done with my fender electric acoustic run through various effects. (I didn't have my Warlock yet)
Drums - Micro br electronic drum machine.
Click here
Lead Rain.wav
7/15/11
Song eight
Lee - Distortion Version
Not much to write on this one that I haven't already written. It is the same song as the first on the blog with two changes. I used hard rock drums and very heavy distortion on the guitar. Instruments - three
Guitar - B.C. Rich Warlock
Bass - Ibanez fretless
Drums - Micro br electronic drum machine
Click here
Lee (distortion).wav
7/21/11
Song nine
To much caffeine
This is another old song of mine. I did it in my twenties, around the same time as Marvin Martians March. The difference is "Marvin" was recorded back then using cassette decks, then changed slightly and recorded again on my digital equipment. This song was recorded for the first time on my digital equipment twenty something years after it was conceived. The only regret I have with the recording is that it was the second song I recorded with this equipment, and like "Marvin", I hadn't got the sound down on the bass yet. I wish it was more tinney and had more punch to it. On this type of song it gets a little muddy on the low end. The name............................... yeah, I don't think there will be much need for explanation after you hear it. It's a boat load of....... ......... "almost" unfocused energy. Like drinking a keg of red bull and picking up your bass. Put on your seat belt, hope you enjoy.
Instruments - four
Bass - Ibanez fretless
Guitar - two tracks, both done with my fender electric acoustic, (I didn't have the Warlock yet)
Drums - micro br electronic drum machine
Click Here
To Much Caffeine.wav
7/29/11
song ten
Boom 101
This is the first guitar bassed song that I recorded. It is built around arpeggios played on the acoustic. I have always played guitars but always considered myself first, a bassist. When I did this song I knew that the bass had to "back" the guitar, not overtake it. At the time, this was a first for me and though it probably sounds strange, felt almost .........uncomfortable, after all, I'm a bassist, not a guitarist. If you have been following the blog you can see that I have obviously gotten past this, but at the time, it just seemed wrong because............................I'M A BASSIST. I had no clue what to name this song and was still dealing with the fact that................I'M A BASSIST. I was going to school when I did this song, and in college, almost every "beginning" course in a subject is numbered "101". At the time I considered the bass in this piece to be very lame, or simple. So, Boom = bass, 101 = lame or simple. Probably pretty lame way to come up with a name but like I said way back, they are instrumentals so the names come from a feeling or thought about the piece in most cases. If you have been following the blog, this one would be in the same class as "Monsoon Rain". Hope you enjoy.
Instuments - three
Guitar - two tracks, both done with Fender acoustic
Bass - Ibanez fretless
Drums - micro br electronic drum machines
Click here
Boom 101.wav
Song eleven
8/25/11
Drive it like you stole it
Well, this is the last finished song to post. Most of you that follow the blog have already heard it as it is the first song that made it to GS thanks to Chrissy posting it in the musicians cafe after I had emailed it to her, but you might want to give it another spin and you probably haven't heard the story behind it. This was another hard one to name. Then one day, it just hit me. "Drive it like you stole it", a phrase that means push it as hard as you can. I can't take complete credit for writing this, well, it's about 99% me, 1% ..............stolen. The chord progression is not mine, but if you heard the song it came from you could say nothing but WTF. I am a fan of Stained, I love their lyrics and I love the way they use the music to set the mood of the song. The original song that the progression came from is by Stained, and it's called "Outside". If you haven't heard it google it and listen to it. It's just an acoustic guitar and it's played at about 60 beats per minute where mine is played at 150 beats per minute if I remember correctly. So, I stole it (sort of), and I'm pounding the sh*t out of it. So Drive it like you stole it.
Instruments - Four
Guitar - Two tracks, both done with my Fender electric acoustic. (again, before the Warlock)
Bass - Ibanez fretless
Drums -Micro br electronic drum machine
Click here
Drive It Like You Stole It.wav
Song that the Chord progression came from, "Outside" by Stained
http://vodpod.com/watch/102409-stained-ft-fred-durst-outside
6/12/12
Live and unplugged.......sort of
My hope is to post some........ video diary's. Clips with some music, and me talking about the piece a little. If you visit this portion of the blog my hope is that you will be able to get to know me more as a person. Enjoy.
It's been a very long time since i have been here to post new things. This is another first here. It's just me, and my acoustic, and it's the closest thing to live that I could post. It's video of me playing one of my pieces. No drums, no bass, just me, and one guitar. It's also a first in that it gives my friends all over the world a chance to, sort of meet me, and in talking on the video this rush of feelings came over me as I realized I was no longer a picture and words on a screen, or the sound of my music. It's me, the real me. I have an incredible friend here that lives in the UK. We joined GS at about the same time, met, and have been emailing for over two years. I call her "Chica". I live in a part of the US that is very heavily influenced by the Spanish culture. About a hundred and fifty years ago, I believe, where I live was part of Mexico. My name is spelled and pronounced the Latina way, and Chica is a .........Spanish slur?........ that is used by the latina's, it's like saying girlfriend. She is very special to me and knows more about my life than anyone at GS. I was fighting crying when I talked about her and knew that her, and all of you would be meeting me for the first time, I wish I could meet all of you too.
The music isn't perfect, I lost it going into the first change, almost scrapped the whole thing and started over, but decided to step back and start again. There are also some audio problems from a short that I couldn't hear because I am plugged directly into the computer and only hear the guitar itself while playing. But, I am happy, it's real, it's me, and I would like to dedicate this video to Chica. It's for you.
Changing times
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMhv5vpE-k8
7/8/12
First cover
"Save all your love" by Great White
Another first for my blog, My first cover. This is a song by Great White. They are the band that I learned about blues from. They are not a blues band, but a blues rock band. Some of their stuff is flat out blues and some is rock. I have always loved blues but never really understood how to play them. About three years ago I studied another one of their songs, a full on blues piece called "The House of Broken Love". I learned to play it and actually recorded it. It's how I learned blues and without it, I couldn't have written "Lee". They are both done in the key of A. I haven't done any blues in any other key so far. LOL, guess I'm kind of lazy, that would require learning scales on different parts of the neck. Anyway, this is about Save all Your Love. Their music is from the 80s and this song has such pretty arpeggio's. I love picking that kind of stuff on the acoustic. I only ran through the intro, a verse, and a chorus and ended it. Without vocals I didn't want to drag it out, and I totally screwed up and stopped the first time through. It's a little rough on one change but that's life when it's live. I hope you enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Evoi_ItYPAA
7/23/12
Some Finger picking
This is actually a remake of a video that I already posted and pulled down. It is some slow finger picking and it came out well. I am getting a little less nervous with each video and the sound problems have been worked out. As an extra added bonus, lol, you get to meet Cujo, the man eating pomeranian. He hates being touched and I picked him up. He let me know by saying "Grrrrr", I think the rough translation is "put me down biatch", then he showed his award winning smile. He's one of my babies, maybe I will get the other one in another video. I hope to do a few more but not sure when I will have the time as summer is almost over and I won't have the freedom I have now. We'll see. I hope you like the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rqtewl_0SPE

Briana's Music Room
Hi, and welcome to my music room. First I would like to thank one of my sisters, Chrissy Charland for making this possible. Hugs girl. I got my first guitar in Mexico when I was around six, I played with my moms before that. I didn't get serious about playing until I was a teenager and played with my best friend who was killed in an accident when we were twenty. I am self taught, the only music training I have had was playing sax in grade school band. My teacher talked me into playing baritone sax and he liked to have the band play current popular music like Santana. I was always given bass guitar parts to play on my baritone sax, maybe that's where I got interested in the bass. I used to say if it has strings, I can play it. Then one day I got my hands on a violin. I am here to tell you that the violin is the devils work and anyone that can play one has sold his or her soul to make that sweet sound. I have a lot of influences but with the bass, there is really only one, Geddy Lee. My plan is to post one song a week until I run out of finished material, after that, who knows. And now, let's get to the music. Hope you enjoy, and thanks for visiting my music room.
6/1/11 "Lee"
This song was done about a year ago. It is the first blues piece I have ever done. I wrote it for my sweetie and it is named for her. It had to be the first piece that I posted here. Love You. There are two versions of this song, this is the first version. There are mistakes in all of my pieces but I am very happy with the way this came out. I guess it's all about what you can live with.
Instruments - three
Guitar - one track, BC Rich "Warlock"
Bass - one track, Ibenez fretless
Drums - micro BR electronic drum machine
click here
Lee (clean version).wav
6/7/11
Live in concert
"Ridicule"
I have a friend at work that is learning to play the guitar. I help him with things and have gone to his place to give him lessons. Whenever I am recording a new piece, I bring my recorder in to work and let him listen to it during each step of the recording. He gets to hear the piece in layers until it is finally finished with all the instruments. Sometimes I will tell him, "I'm not happy with this part, or that part. I'm going to rerecord this or that." He always tells me, "You're crazy, I don't hear anything wrong with that. You should put a band together and I have the perfect name, RIDICULE, cause you always pick apart everything you do." Like i said in the notes for "Lee", there are mistakes in all of my pieces, but they have to be acceptable to me before I will call a piece done. I have a standard for the level of quality, only once have I lowered my standard on a piece. Which brings us to
Song # 2
"The Spirit of the Great White North"
The names from my songs come from a lot of different places. I am a big fan of progressive rock. Styx, Kansas, and of course, Rush. I wanted to do something in that style, the style of Rush. Heavy bass, guitar arpeggios, hard crunchy guitar, and some keyboards. Rush is from Canada so, The Spirit of the Great White North. The production side of this one was, well I could say difficult but then I would be lying. It was insane and I'm suprised that I finished it. Because of that, my tolerence level for imperfections dropped considerably. Don't get me wrong, it came out pretty good, but there are more improfections in this one than any other piece I have done. "Live in concert, RIDICULE."
Instruments - five
Guitar - Two tracts in the intro, one through the rest of the song. All done with a fender electric acoustic run through various effects boxes. ( I didn't have my Warlock yet)
Bass - Ibenez fretless
Keyboards - Roland SH09 and RS09 synthesizers
Drums - micro br electronic drum machine
click here
Spirit Of The Great White North.wav
Song Three
6/14/11
"Monsoon Rain"
I live in the desert, we get about half of our anual rain in a one month period from mid July, to mid August. The storm pattern is called monsoon. One August afternoon I was sitting on a rock at a popular mountain overlook, picking on my acoustic. Almost every August afternoon our skies turn black and a storm rolls in. Sometimes it rains, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it rains on the house across the street and you don't get a drop. But we love the rain here. In the desert, water is life, and the desert explodes with the color of wild flowers. Anyway, I was sitting on my rock, working on something new, and this storm was rolling in, It was an incredible experience, seeing the downpoors drifting across the desert floor. Smelling the wet creosote, which smells so good. This is the song that came to be that afternoon. It is a guitar oriented song that is comparable to, maybe the early Ginn Blossoms. Hope you enjoy.
Instruments - five
Guitar - there are three playing continuously through the song, all were done with my Fender electric acoustic
Bass - as always, Ibanez fretless
Drums - Micro BR elctronic drum machine
Cick here
Monsoon Rain.wav
Song four
6/23/11
Marvin Martian's March
This song is one of my older pieces. I did it when I was in my mid twenties, and I recorded it the first time using multiple cassette tape recorders. That version had bass, keyboards, and a drum machine. I recorded it again about four years ago with my digital four track. In fact it was the first song I recorded when I bought my recorder. The bass line is the same as the original version. It is a bass piece but it is very different than any of my other bass pieces. The entire song is slap, hammers, and pulls. There isn't a single plucked note in the entire piece. The background music was changed a little. The main backing is now rhythm guitar and ther is very faint keyboards in the background to give it a little more depth. I am very happy with the way it came out except for one thing. I hadn't found the sound I wanted to get out of my bass through the recorder until my third song I recorded. I wish it sounded a little more "tinney" and had a little more punch to it. It was a hard song to name. It has a serious sound to it, yet a silly sound to it. When I listen to it I can sort of picture that old Warner Brothers cartoon charater Marvin Martian. He tried to be so serious yet was kind of goofy. Anyway, that's where the name came from, if you don't know Marvin, I'm sure you could google him.
Instruments - four
Bass - one track, as always, Ibenez fretless
Guitar - one track, fender electric acoustic
Keyboards - Roland RS 09 synth
Drums - micro br electronic drum machine
Click Here
Marvin Martian's March.wav
Song five
6/29/11
The Axe Handler
Well, I would say that this next song is the last of the new styles for my music, at least at this point. Don't get me wrong, there is more music coming, and I am playing again so there is even more new stuff coming. I think I have six more finished after this one, and I am working on two more new ones. I don't have as much time to devote to playing as I would like, I am also working on a garden which I hope to share through pictures when it is done. Anyway, back to the music. The Axe Handler is my atempt at 80s big hair rock. The kind of music that the last band I was in played. The kind of music I grew up on. Most of the bass players of that era were what I would call sell outs. Stand in the back by the drums and hammer 1/8 notes all night, for the most part, the same 1/8 note. Sometimes only three or four notes in the whole song, that's just wrong. I always tried to put a little more into the songs we did with the bass. I tried to do a little with this one but this is a guitar oriented song. I had a hard time with the name on this one. I tried to come up with something to reflect the attitude of the time and era, I know it's lame but it's the best I could come up with.
Instruments - four
Guitar - two tracks, both were done with my B.C. Rich Warlock
Bass - Duh !! Ibanez Fretless
Drums - micro br electronic drum machine
Click here
The Axe Handler.wav
Song six
7/4/11
Crusty's Demize
Crusty's Demize was actually the first song I did for Lee. I know that already sounds bad so let me back up a bit. She really likes the song, I think it came out pretty good too, but it is a bit dark. She likes all of my music, but likes it most when I am just picking arpeggios on the acoustic. Ok, that's where I should start this one. Lets make it different, unusual........... I know, how about an odd time signature, I went with 3/4. I'm not sure what posessed me to put a minor chord in there but there it is. When I'm working on something new, I spend some time laying out the main track/instrument. The rest of them are semi improvised. I am not someone that can just jump into something new and improvise a part. When I do make something new though, I play the first track and it ........ inspires the other tracks. Ok, lets do the math.
Odd time signature + minor chord + guitar riffs that end in decending pitch = dark sounding piece. Not exactly something you write for someone you love. The name, at this point what else could I do. The lead guitar is highly compressed and almost sounds like some kind of evil circus music to me, and the most famous clown I know is Crusty from the Simpsons so ...... Crusty's Demize. This is the slowest piece I have ever done, it's not my favorite but I like it. It's definitely an example of what happens when you put to much thought into art. Hope you enjoy.
Instruments - four
Guitars - Two tracks, melody - fender electric acoustic, Lead B.C. Rich Warlock
Bass - Ibanez fretless
Drums - On this one I used my Boss DR 220 electronic drum machine. The whole thing was programmed beat by beat so the drums match the acoustic guiter.
Cick here
Crusty's Demize.wav
7/8/11
Song seven
Lead Rain
So where do you go the week after posting the slowest song you have done, to the land of whiplash of course. Full speed ahead, or as Danusha would probably say, warp factor nine. My guitar songs come from me trying different things, just looking for things that sound good to me. Most of my bass pieces start off as an excercise to improve on one thing or another. This song is the most true example of that out of all of my material. The excercise, improving right hand finger speed. Can I get to a point where I can rattle off an entire measure of 1/16 notes on my bass. A lot of people would say on a bass, why would you want to ? And of course my answer would be, cause Geddy does it, and then some. I think I would have to say I think I nailed it on this one. This is the Lamborghini of my bass pieces, if it doesn't make it go fast, we don't need it. The verse.......... not much to it. The chorus.............not much there either. But the bridge that connects them together, 5 measures of continuous 1/16 notes. That's EIGHTY consecutive 1/16 notes................. in about 9 seconds................on a bass. This is my biggest acomplishment as far as my bass pieces go. There are no key boards in this song, some people think there are. There is guitar run through a flanger behind the bass. The name, well it sounds like it's raining lead.
Instruments - four
Bass - Ibanez fretless
Guitars - two tracks, both done with my fender electric acoustic run through various effects. (I didn't have my Warlock yet)
Drums - Micro br electronic drum machine.
Click here
Lead Rain.wav
7/15/11
Song eight
Lee - Distortion Version
Not much to write on this one that I haven't already written. It is the same song as the first on the blog with two changes. I used hard rock drums and very heavy distortion on the guitar. Instruments - three
Guitar - B.C. Rich Warlock
Bass - Ibanez fretless
Drums - Micro br electronic drum machine
Click here
Lee (distortion).wav
7/21/11
Song nine
To much caffeine
This is another old song of mine. I did it in my twenties, around the same time as Marvin Martians March. The difference is "Marvin" was recorded back then using cassette decks, then changed slightly and recorded again on my digital equipment. This song was recorded for the first time on my digital equipment twenty something years after it was conceived. The only regret I have with the recording is that it was the second song I recorded with this equipment, and like "Marvin", I hadn't got the sound down on the bass yet. I wish it was more tinney and had more punch to it. On this type of song it gets a little muddy on the low end. The name............................... yeah, I don't think there will be much need for explanation after you hear it. It's a boat load of....... ......... "almost" unfocused energy. Like drinking a keg of red bull and picking up your bass. Put on your seat belt, hope you enjoy.
Instruments - four
Bass - Ibanez fretless
Guitar - two tracks, both done with my fender electric acoustic, (I didn't have the Warlock yet)
Drums - micro br electronic drum machine
Click Here
To Much Caffeine.wav
7/29/11
song ten
Boom 101
This is the first guitar bassed song that I recorded. It is built around arpeggios played on the acoustic. I have always played guitars but always considered myself first, a bassist. When I did this song I knew that the bass had to "back" the guitar, not overtake it. At the time, this was a first for me and though it probably sounds strange, felt almost .........uncomfortable, after all, I'm a bassist, not a guitarist. If you have been following the blog you can see that I have obviously gotten past this, but at the time, it just seemed wrong because............................I'M A BASSIST. I had no clue what to name this song and was still dealing with the fact that................I'M A BASSIST. I was going to school when I did this song, and in college, almost every "beginning" course in a subject is numbered "101". At the time I considered the bass in this piece to be very lame, or simple. So, Boom = bass, 101 = lame or simple. Probably pretty lame way to come up with a name but like I said way back, they are instrumentals so the names come from a feeling or thought about the piece in most cases. If you have been following the blog, this one would be in the same class as "Monsoon Rain". Hope you enjoy.
Instuments - three
Guitar - two tracks, both done with Fender acoustic
Bass - Ibanez fretless
Drums - micro br electronic drum machines
Click here
Boom 101.wav
Song eleven
8/25/11
Drive it like you stole it
Well, this is the last finished song to post. Most of you that follow the blog have already heard it as it is the first song that made it to GS thanks to Chrissy posting it in the musicians cafe after I had emailed it to her, but you might want to give it another spin and you probably haven't heard the story behind it. This was another hard one to name. Then one day, it just hit me. "Drive it like you stole it", a phrase that means push it as hard as you can. I can't take complete credit for writing this, well, it's about 99% me, 1% ..............stolen. The chord progression is not mine, but if you heard the song it came from you could say nothing but WTF. I am a fan of Stained, I love their lyrics and I love the way they use the music to set the mood of the song. The original song that the progression came from is by Stained, and it's called "Outside". If you haven't heard it google it and listen to it. It's just an acoustic guitar and it's played at about 60 beats per minute where mine is played at 150 beats per minute if I remember correctly. So, I stole it (sort of), and I'm pounding the sh*t out of it. So Drive it like you stole it.
Instruments - Four
Guitar - Two tracks, both done with my Fender electric acoustic. (again, before the Warlock)
Bass - Ibanez fretless
Drums -Micro br electronic drum machine
Click here
Drive It Like You Stole It.wav
Song that the Chord progression came from, "Outside" by Stained
http://vodpod.com/watch/102409-stained-ft-fred-durst-outside
6/12/12
Live and unplugged.......sort of
My hope is to post some........ video diary's. Clips with some music, and me talking about the piece a little. If you visit this portion of the blog my hope is that you will be able to get to know me more as a person. Enjoy.
It's been a very long time since i have been here to post new things. This is another first here. It's just me, and my acoustic, and it's the closest thing to live that I could post. It's video of me playing one of my pieces. No drums, no bass, just me, and one guitar. It's also a first in that it gives my friends all over the world a chance to, sort of meet me, and in talking on the video this rush of feelings came over me as I realized I was no longer a picture and words on a screen, or the sound of my music. It's me, the real me. I have an incredible friend here that lives in the UK. We joined GS at about the same time, met, and have been emailing for over two years. I call her "Chica". I live in a part of the US that is very heavily influenced by the Spanish culture. About a hundred and fifty years ago, I believe, where I live was part of Mexico. My name is spelled and pronounced the Latina way, and Chica is a .........Spanish slur?........ that is used by the latina's, it's like saying girlfriend. She is very special to me and knows more about my life than anyone at GS. I was fighting crying when I talked about her and knew that her, and all of you would be meeting me for the first time, I wish I could meet all of you too.
The music isn't perfect, I lost it going into the first change, almost scrapped the whole thing and started over, but decided to step back and start again. There are also some audio problems from a short that I couldn't hear because I am plugged directly into the computer and only hear the guitar itself while playing. But, I am happy, it's real, it's me, and I would like to dedicate this video to Chica. It's for you.
Changing times
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMhv5vpE-k8
7/8/12
First cover
"Save all your love" by Great White
Another first for my blog, My first cover. This is a song by Great White. They are the band that I learned about blues from. They are not a blues band, but a blues rock band. Some of their stuff is flat out blues and some is rock. I have always loved blues but never really understood how to play them. About three years ago I studied another one of their songs, a full on blues piece called "The House of Broken Love". I learned to play it and actually recorded it. It's how I learned blues and without it, I couldn't have written "Lee". They are both done in the key of A. I haven't done any blues in any other key so far. LOL, guess I'm kind of lazy, that would require learning scales on different parts of the neck. Anyway, this is about Save all Your Love. Their music is from the 80s and this song has such pretty arpeggio's. I love picking that kind of stuff on the acoustic. I only ran through the intro, a verse, and a chorus and ended it. Without vocals I didn't want to drag it out, and I totally screwed up and stopped the first time through. It's a little rough on one change but that's life when it's live. I hope you enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Evoi_ItYPAA
7/23/12
Some Finger picking
This is actually a remake of a video that I already posted and pulled down. It is some slow finger picking and it came out well. I am getting a little less nervous with each video and the sound problems have been worked out. As an extra added bonus, lol, you get to meet Cujo, the man eating pomeranian. He hates being touched and I picked him up. He let me know by saying "Grrrrr", I think the rough translation is "put me down biatch", then he showed his award winning smile. He's one of my babies, maybe I will get the other one in another video. I hope to do a few more but not sure when I will have the time as summer is almost over and I won't have the freedom I have now. We'll see. I hope you like the video.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rqtewl_0SPE

Think about it................Religion has actually convinced people that there's an INVISIBLE MAN...LIVING IN THE SKY...who watches every thing you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever ´til the end of time...but he loves you!He loves you, and he needs Money????????? He's all powerfull, all wise, all seeing, but just cant balance his finances?? What's going on here? Has he got some great big universe creation loan to pay off or somthing? if so thats one hell of a mortgage! If that's the case then he's not the all powerfull being we thought he was, as he also, like most of us, has to answer to his financial backers, shareholders and investors. Also at over 23 Billion years, why is he still paying it off??? can you imagine the interest on that???? But, when it comes to BULLSHIT...BIG-TIME, MAJOR LEAGUE BULLSHIT... you have to stand IN AWE, IN AWE of the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion.I want you to know, when it comes to believing in god- I really tried. I really really tried. I tried to believe that there is a god who created each one of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realise...something is ******-UP. Something is WRONG here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and Justin Beiber???? Something is definitely wrong. This is NOT good work. If this is the best god can do, I am NOT impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of **** you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. Just between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful-ass a long time ago.Oh and incase your sat there wondering why I refer to this all powerfull figure as a Man, let me say this. No Woman could ever **** things up this badly!!!! So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a ****, yep thats right, doesn't give - a - ****. Which I gotta say, I kind of admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results. And then there is praying???? Trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and begging and pleading for favors. ´Do this´ ´Gimme that´ ´I want a new car´ ´I want a better job´. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday. His day off????? people want all theese little favours and bother the guy on his day off, when he's trying to put his feet up, maybe watch the cricket and forget about those nasty red letters concerning overdue payments for his universe creation loan? But, I say fine, pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down tosser with a two quid prayer book can come along and **** up your plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? ´Well it's god's will. God's will be done.´ Fine, but if it gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the **** bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and get right to his will?

Think about it................Religion has actually convinced people that there's an INVISIBLE MAN...LIVING IN THE SKY...who watches every thing you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever ´til the end of time...but he loves you!He loves you, and he needs Money????????? He's all powerfull, all wise, all seeing, but just cant balance his finances?? What's going on here? Has he got some great big universe creation loan to pay off or somthing? if so thats one hell of a mortgage! If that's the case then he's not the all powerfull being we thought he was, as he also, like most of us, has to answer to his financial backers, shareholders and investors. Also at over 23 Billion years, why is he still paying it off??? can you imagine the interest on that???? But, when it comes to BULLSHIT...BIG-TIME, MAJOR LEAGUE BULLSHIT... you have to stand IN AWE, IN AWE of the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion.I want you to know, when it comes to believing in god- I really tried. I really really tried. I tried to believe that there is a god who created each one of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realise...something is ******-UP. Something is WRONG here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and Justin Beiber???? Something is definitely wrong. This is NOT good work. If this is the best god can do, I am NOT impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of **** you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. Just between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful-ass a long time ago.Oh and incase your sat there wondering why I refer to this all powerfull figure as a Man, let me say this. No Woman could ever **** things up this badly!!!! So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a ****, yep thats right, doesn't give - a - ****. Which I gotta say, I kind of admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results. And then there is praying???? Trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and begging and pleading for favors. ´Do this´ ´Gimme that´ ´I want a new car´ ´I want a better job´. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday. His day off????? people want all theese little favours and bother the guy on his day off, when he's trying to put his feet up, maybe watch the cricket and forget about those nasty red letters concerning overdue payments for his universe creation loan? But, I say fine, pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down tosser with a two quid prayer book can come along and **** up your plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? ´Well it's god's will. God's will be done.´ Fine, but if it gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the **** bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and get right to his will?

So....i wrote my letter out this morning for my parents and after dinner decided to hand it over to them, my mom had the look of "what's that?" on her face, so i said it's a letter for you and dad and i'll be upstairs if you want me after you've read it. So i ran upstairs and sat in my room quietly and anxiously, shaking like a leaf. I tried to listen for any noise coming from downstairs but nothing...it seemed like an eternity until i heard something, it was my phone i had actually received a text from my mom telling me to get my backside downstairs.... it had only been 10mins.... i made my way gingerly downstairs, burst into the living room and then i broke my heart, collapsing into my mom's arms. I was hysterical for what seemed again like eternity so i can hardly remember a thing but in a nutshell, my parents said i had nothing to be sorry for except that i should have told them sooner, i should have no shame and i shouldn't care what anyone thinks, they love me no matter what and will back me 110% with what ever it is that i need to do to be happy, they do want me to go and see a doctor and i explained to them that if i get diagnosed with gender dysphoria i will get prescribed hormones which will change my physical appearence and they were ok with that, we chatted for quite some time and then i asked them if they wanted to see some pics, "some pics?" they asked and i replied yes....of me, they actually wanted to and not only that they loved my transformation and how much happier i looked, my dad even said how beautiful of a woman i made and how proud they are. SO yaaaaaaaaaaay! baby steps at home now and i have to book an appointment at the doctors but Tia is moving forward xxx

So....i wrote my letter out this morning for my parents and after dinner decided to hand it over to them, my mom had the look of "what's that?" on her face, so i said it's a letter for you and dad and i'll be upstairs if you want me after you've read it. So i ran upstairs and sat in my room quietly and anxiously, shaking like a leaf. I tried to listen for any noise coming from downstairs but nothing...it seemed like an eternity until i heard something, it was my phone i had actually received a text from my mom telling me to get my backside downstairs.... it had only been 10mins.... i made my way gingerly downstairs, burst into the living room and then i broke my heart, collapsing into my mom's arms. I was hysterical for what seemed again like eternity so i can hardly remember a thing but in a nutshell, my parents said i had nothing to be sorry for except that i should have told them sooner, i should have no shame and i shouldn't care what anyone thinks, they love me no matter what and will back me 110% with what ever it is that i need to do to be happy, they do want me to go and see a doctor and i explained to them that if i get diagnosed with gender dysphoria i will get prescribed hormones which will change my physical appearence and they were ok with that, we chatted for quite some time and then i asked them if they wanted to see some pics, "some pics?" they asked and i replied yes....of me, they actually wanted to and not only that they loved my transformation and how much happier i looked, my dad even said how beautiful of a woman i made and how proud they are. SO yaaaaaaaaaaay! baby steps at home now and i have to book an appointment at the doctors but Tia is moving forward xxx

Someone sent this to Lee today, I thought it was cute.........and oh so accurate LOL
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM ARIZONA WHEN. . . 1. You can say Hohokam and no one thinks you're making it up. 2.You no longer associate rivers or bridges with water.
3.You know that a "swamp cooler" is not a happy hour drink. 4.You can contemplate a high temperature of 120 degrees as "not all that bad, after all it's a dry heat." 5.You know that you can make sun tea outside faster than instant tea in your microwave. 6.You have to run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so that you can use your fireplace. 7.The water coming from the "cold" tap is hotter than that from the hot" tap. 8.You can correctly pronounce the following words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier del Bac", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and "Tlaquepacque", "Ajo". 9.It's noon on a weekday in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one single person is moving on the streets. 10.Hot air balloons can't fly because the air outside is hotter than the air inside. 11.You buy salsa by the gallon. 12.Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and 100 paper bags. 13.You think someone driving while wearing oven mitts is clever. 14.Most of the restaurants in your town have the first name "El" or "Los." 15.You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard. 16.You can say 115 degrees without fainting. 17.Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer. 18.People break out coats when the temperature drops below 70. 19.You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car. 20.The pool can be warmer than you are. 21.You realize Valley Fever isn't a disco dance. 22.People with black cars or have black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts. 23.You know better than to get into a car/truck with leather seats if you're wearing shorts. 24.Announcements for Fourth of July events always end with "in case of monsoon..." 25.You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight savings time 26.You can say "haboob" without giggling.

Someone sent this to Lee today, I thought it was cute.........and oh so accurate LOL
YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM ARIZONA WHEN. . . 1. You can say Hohokam and no one thinks you're making it up. 2.You no longer associate rivers or bridges with water.
3.You know that a "swamp cooler" is not a happy hour drink. 4.You can contemplate a high temperature of 120 degrees as "not all that bad, after all it's a dry heat." 5.You know that you can make sun tea outside faster than instant tea in your microwave. 6.You have to run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so that you can use your fireplace. 7.The water coming from the "cold" tap is hotter than that from the hot" tap. 8.You can correctly pronounce the following words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier del Bac", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and "Tlaquepacque", "Ajo". 9.It's noon on a weekday in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one single person is moving on the streets. 10.Hot air balloons can't fly because the air outside is hotter than the air inside. 11.You buy salsa by the gallon. 12.Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and 100 paper bags. 13.You think someone driving while wearing oven mitts is clever. 14.Most of the restaurants in your town have the first name "El" or "Los." 15.You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard. 16.You can say 115 degrees without fainting. 17.Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer. 18.People break out coats when the temperature drops below 70. 19.You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car. 20.The pool can be warmer than you are. 21.You realize Valley Fever isn't a disco dance. 22.People with black cars or have black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts. 23.You know better than to get into a car/truck with leather seats if you're wearing shorts. 24.Announcements for Fourth of July events always end with "in case of monsoon..." 25.You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight savings time 26.You can say "haboob" without giggling.

Hi dad, I feel our face to face conversations are rather ineffective, I get so nervous that I clam up and can't say anything and you get so nervous you say way too much so I thought this might be a better means of communication as we can both say what we like uninterrupted. To begin with I want to say that I love you very much, you are my hero, and my role model, and these problems I am having have nothing whatsoever to do with the way you raised me, you are a fantastic father and you always have been. The next thing I want to say is that while I will not apologize for being the way I am, I do apologize for the set of circumstances that this has created, I know how difficult all of this has been for you, mom, and lizzie and it tears me apart. In fact one of the reasons I have been so depressed is because I can see the hell I'm putting you all through with this and it is eating me alive from the inside out, I hate seeing everything I loved and knew fall apart like this, and the heartache of it all has turned me into a recluse and for that I apologize. Thirdly I want to say that I have identified as female for a long time, I tried to chase it away, I tried to smother it, and I tried to bury it but all of that left me with a complete and total empty feeling inside of me, it was strangling me and it was only a matter of time before I ran out of air, in fact its gotten so bad that I wince every time someone says "hey man" or I catch a glimpse of my self in a polo and jeans in the mirror, it physically hurts to be the way I am right now and I can not endure it much longer, transitioning for me is not a choice or a decision to be made but a necessary medical treatment I need for something that is physically and mentally wrong with me, in fact the only time I feel truly, and genuinely happy anymore is when I can present myself to the world as Masi simply because its the only time anyone can see the real me. Now I know you think your losing me and that the son you've always known is dying right before your eyes but everything you know and love about me is still there, in fact I would argue that my faults that impair my functioning are linked to my brain being a girls and my body being a boys, and that all the parts you like about me may well be dramatically enhanced once I do this. Finally I would like to reiterate that no one has coerced me into feeling this way, and that I am the one in complete control over this, I am not so easily swayed into thinking this way just because I talked to someone who went through a similar situation, my thoughts and opinions are only accountable to one person and that is me. It kills me that I can't be the son that you can be proud of, it is worst kind of depression knowing that you let everyone you know and love down, which is why I'm begging you to be accepting and supportive of this so that I can be the child that you can be proud of and so that I can live up to my full potential and become the happy, healthy, and successful human being I know I can be without everything else chaining me down, I love you very much, and I know it will take time but please know that I need someone to be there for me to help me through all of this and to accept me for who I am.

Hi dad, I feel our face to face conversations are rather ineffective, I get so nervous that I clam up and can't say anything and you get so nervous you say way too much so I thought this might be a better means of communication as we can both say what we like uninterrupted. To begin with I want to say that I love you very much, you are my hero, and my role model, and these problems I am having have nothing whatsoever to do with the way you raised me, you are a fantastic father and you always have been. The next thing I want to say is that while I will not apologize for being the way I am, I do apologize for the set of circumstances that this has created, I know how difficult all of this has been for you, mom, and lizzie and it tears me apart. In fact one of the reasons I have been so depressed is because I can see the hell I'm putting you all through with this and it is eating me alive from the inside out, I hate seeing everything I loved and knew fall apart like this, and the heartache of it all has turned me into a recluse and for that I apologize. Thirdly I want to say that I have identified as female for a long time, I tried to chase it away, I tried to smother it, and I tried to bury it but all of that left me with a complete and total empty feeling inside of me, it was strangling me and it was only a matter of time before I ran out of air, in fact its gotten so bad that I wince every time someone says "hey man" or I catch a glimpse of my self in a polo and jeans in the mirror, it physically hurts to be the way I am right now and I can not endure it much longer, transitioning for me is not a choice or a decision to be made but a necessary medical treatment I need for something that is physically and mentally wrong with me, in fact the only time I feel truly, and genuinely happy anymore is when I can present myself to the world as Masi simply because its the only time anyone can see the real me. Now I know you think your losing me and that the son you've always known is dying right before your eyes but everything you know and love about me is still there, in fact I would argue that my faults that impair my functioning are linked to my brain being a girls and my body being a boys, and that all the parts you like about me may well be dramatically enhanced once I do this. Finally I would like to reiterate that no one has coerced me into feeling this way, and that I am the one in complete control over this, I am not so easily swayed into thinking this way just because I talked to someone who went through a similar situation, my thoughts and opinions are only accountable to one person and that is me. It kills me that I can't be the son that you can be proud of, it is worst kind of depression knowing that you let everyone you know and love down, which is why I'm begging you to be accepting and supportive of this so that I can be the child that you can be proud of and so that I can live up to my full potential and become the happy, healthy, and successful human being I know I can be without everything else chaining me down, I love you very much, and I know it will take time but please know that I need someone to be there for me to help me through all of this and to accept me for who I am.

Hey all, I'm afraid I've got some bad news, actually bad doesn't even begin to describe it, its down right awful. As many of you may know I am at the begining steps of my transition and so far things have moved along fairly well, until now. My parents do not like the idea at all and as I am still dependent on them their opinion of me means everything at this point. My parents have decided that I should no longer have anything to do with the trans community because they think it has influenced my decision making and has clouded my judgement of who and what I am. This means no going out, dressing in private, support groups, and what I consider probably the most painful no more GS. While it breaks my heart and I am crying while writing this I have decided to accept their challenge if only to prove to them that this is who I really am even without all of the clothes and friends I am still and always will be a girl if only on the inside at this point. As such many of you may not hear from me again for a few months, I just wanted all of you to know that I was ok and that I will be back, hopefully this will be sooner rather than later, I love you all and you have been an instrumental part of my life that helped and supported me through some very dark times but I have to do this if not just too prove that this is real to my family and maybe even to myself. You are all wonderful people and this is a wonderful site and I am counting down the days until I can come back to it, feel free to email me at masibranch@yahoo.com if there is anything important you need to tell me but otherwise I will not be accessing any other ways of communication for a while. So with that I must say goodbye for now, hopefully when I come back I'll be a better person and a better woman because of it.
Forever and always, Masi
xxxxxxxxxxx

Hey all, I'm afraid I've got some bad news, actually bad doesn't even begin to describe it, its down right awful. As many of you may know I am at the begining steps of my transition and so far things have moved along fairly well, until now. My parents do not like the idea at all and as I am still dependent on them their opinion of me means everything at this point. My parents have decided that I should no longer have anything to do with the trans community because they think it has influenced my decision making and has clouded my judgement of who and what I am. This means no going out, dressing in private, support groups, and what I consider probably the most painful no more GS. While it breaks my heart and I am crying while writing this I have decided to accept their challenge if only to prove to them that this is who I really am even without all of the clothes and friends I am still and always will be a girl if only on the inside at this point. As such many of you may not hear from me again for a few months, I just wanted all of you to know that I was ok and that I will be back, hopefully this will be sooner rather than later, I love you all and you have been an instrumental part of my life that helped and supported me through some very dark times but I have to do this if not just too prove that this is real to my family and maybe even to myself. You are all wonderful people and this is a wonderful site and I am counting down the days until I can come back to it, feel free to email me at masibranch@yahoo.com if there is anything important you need to tell me but otherwise I will not be accessing any other ways of communication for a while. So with that I must say goodbye for now, hopefully when I come back I'll be a better person and a better woman because of it.
Forever and always, Masi
xxxxxxxxxxx