Well, technically, I still have exactly a week until my last day of clinicals and then submission of documents on the following Tuesday and then I'm really done done. I have about seven weeks of my summer vacation before Year Three of university officially starts and I'm setting some goals for myself. I reached my highest weight ever this year and my weight has been fluctuating by a couple kilograms and I'm really so done. Honestly, I say this all the time - that I'm really gonna lose weight and then I don't. I've been saying that to myself since I was fifteen years old but the weight kept piling up and I just kept postponing my plans to exercise/eat healthy, or I would exercise for a couple months/eat healthy for a month straight and then completely give it up. I'm really disappointed that I don't have my entire 3-4 months of summer like people in other courses do but it's alright.

I really don't think weight loss journeys depend on motivation because your motivation isn't always there. It really takes discipline to get up and go out for a run or go to the gym or do a home workout even when you really really really feel like sleeping or just staying in bed and watching TV. It takes discipline and self-control to keep eating healthy and making good food choices even when you really want to order a high calorie milkshake or a really fattening but delicious burger at Fat Papas. So I really hope that I can slap myself straight (not literally) and really get my shit together and be disciplined.

Anyway, as I said before I have exactly a week left until the last day of my seven-week clinicals and I'm so done. Next week is going to be the toughest week in my Nursing journey and I'm honestly dreading it so much. But at the same time I can't wait for it to be done. This week felt like the longest week ever and I only spent four days in the ward (Monday was orientation since I've never been in KTPH). I want to cry but I don't have energy to cry. I'm so frustrated and angry and exhausted and I just really really want this to be over. Seven weeks is way too long. I learned a lot and I've experienced a lot (for an amateur) but I'm so tired. I wish clinicals were spaced out within the semester and only a couple/few short weeks of consecutive work during the holidays? Maybe two days every week during the semester?? That would cover about 4 full weeks of clinicals and then during the actual holidays we would only have 3 weeks of clinicals does that make sense? Did I explain myself clear enough..... I feel so inarticulate right now. I would definitely dread it during the semester but ultimately I feel I would be thankful that my clinicals don't take up too much of my well-deserved holiday OKAY.

So yeah I only have about seven weeks before Year Three starts and judging by the way Dr Serena explained, it's gonna be a very hectic semester and I have to take my last elective this semester. I really wish I took it last semester ughhhhhh #regret. This past semester was my most-free semester ever. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to manage!!

This is just half of my clinical mates for this semester!!! The rest couldn't make it/ HH came later on

I'm honestly in a very troubled(?) state of mind right now. I'm doubting my ability to have a decent future. A stable career? I can't even imagine myself as a competent (student) nurse. Life really didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. At what point do adults finally get their shit together and know what the hell they're doing? Because I sure don't. I don't know how I'm going to be good enough to graduate/pass my final clinicals. I don't know if I want to work as a nurse in the future. I don't know anything right now and I feel as clueless and as aimless as I was four years ago, except I knew my main goal then was to graduate junior college and get good grades for A Levels and even that, I couldn't do.

Ok this has turned into a very negative and emo-nemo post so I shall stop here. Adios. And Selamat Hari Raya in advance since I probably won't blog for another few months lol