Sunday, August 05, 2007

All my posts this week will be dedicated to the fine son, who turns 1 on Friday. The "more refined" sister in law took this picture up in Tahoe last month. Elijah really brightened everyone's day on that trip.

Having a child is still the scariest of things I have ever encountered in my life. Forget those tough tests in school or selling that big client who can shape my entire economic existence. I've actually never been afraid of people my whole life. But I was afraid a year ago when Elijah came to us. I was very afraid. I am still very afraid. It's really hard to explain. I fear him in some ways you'd think were quite odd. I fear him having pain. I fear him being uncomfortable. I fear his cries. His cries when he won't stop crying. You may not know it, but my whole life I have been a selfish person. (A quick, "Duh!" will be heard repeatedly around my family and friends who read this post) Fear does not help a selfishness. Everyday I try... Babies don't come with an "off" switch.

I guess the best part now is seeing what's coming out of Elijah as he has gotten a little older. His smiles. His laughter at things that he sees as new, like the cat jumping off the couch or the snap of your fingers. His attempts at saying, "Ball" and "Uh Oh" are not quite there but you really want to help by repeating it over and over. "Daddy" is going to be a bit more complicated to say... I'll keep waiting though. So many words... so much time. As long as he doesn't pick up my frequent use of one-syllable words we're all good.

He stood today. All on his own. No support... Each day brings a new milestone, a new chapter, a new phase. We'll forever for the day he goes to school, or gets that first "A" on his report card or for the day when he rips the diaper off and smears it along the walls. We'll wait for those days... I just want to enjoy those simple things that are new to him now. I can't wait to see him walking or running ahead to the park.