1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after yearsof war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star ofthe Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it.""But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested."Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,makes no difference who you are."

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2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avidbowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyedin a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

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3.. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted,"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded,"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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4. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicineman. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thinstrip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, themedicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chiefshrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

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5. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage andfound his name missing from the town register. His wife insistedon complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profuselysaying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

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6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slepton an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All threebecame pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one whoslept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to provethat... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squawsof the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

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7. A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedieswith the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of aparticular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When theanthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eyeand said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

I can't remember the name of the show (I'm sure someone will come up with it) but they remind me of a radio show with Dennis Norden and Frank Muir. They came up with some convoluted story which ended with a pun on a well known saying or song. I enjoyed those, Ren.

Yes Rossian, that was "My Word" (Scroll up 2 to Mike's post!)A Brilliant show. These were sent to me by an Australian friend. If she has any more I will post them!In the meantime, folks, try and find a copy of:The Utterly Ultimate My Word byDenis Norden and Frank Muir.Lots of Pun stories in there

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“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”

6. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slepton an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All threebecame pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one whoslept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to provethat... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squawsof the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one).

I've copied and pasted the following gem from the website for anyone who can't access it:

'So you want to know where Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious comes from? Why, it's just a shopping list, including a remedy for someone with bad breath: "Soup, a cauli, fridge-elastic, eggs, pea - halitosis!"'

Damn, I always thought it was to do with Ghandi.You know, he walked everywhere barefoot;he was somewhat emaciated because of his extreme vegetarian diet; a very spiritual man & he suffered from very bad breath...which of course made him a super calloused fragile mystic, with extreme halitosis !

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“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”

I wish, Ren. Heard it ages ago and rated it right up there with the artichoke pun...which I will spare you from, as it is equally as bad !

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“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”

Well.... there was a small time crook named Artie, who one morning, decided to hold up the local supermarket. Rather than attract the attention of the security officer near the checkout, he found his way to the manager's office. Unfortunately, the manager had just been visited by his wife, and had only a few odd coins in a drawer.. 55 cents in all. Artie grabbed it, but was so annoyed by the paucity of the amount, he strangled the manager. Next, he found his way to the assistant manager, who, having been visited by his teenage daughters, had even less than the manager - 45 cents ! Artie strangled him as well.Next morning's headline read....

Artie chokes two for a dollar at Woolies !

I'm sorry.. really I am...

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“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”

As some of you (might) know, I'm a bit of a punaholic - hey, they're cheaper than scotch and certainly less depressing lol - so I've enjoyed all the ones posted so far. Unfortunately, many of my favourite long puns are not fit for family consumption, but here's one that's fairly "pc":

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

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Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense- Gertrude Stein

Then of course there was the man who entered the bar.. and after he got his drink, he heard a small voice say "nice tie".. Another small voice chimed in "yes, and that haircut really suits you".He looked to see where the voices were coming from, and noticed they seemed to originate from a bowl of cashews near his glass.He called the barman and explained what had been said."Oh" said the barman "that's easy to explain..

the nuts are complimentary"....

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“Life is not a journey to the grave with intentions of arriving safely in a pretty well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming ... WOW! What a ride!”

Our local undertakers were selling off one of their old vehicles, so I bought it as a present for my wife as she needed a roomy vehicle to take all her luggage when she went to stay with her sister in Sidmouth in Devon. She had to park it in the street so she found a suitable place, got out and locked it and went to meet her sister. She got back to find it had been towed away as she hadn't realised that there was a local bylaw that said "You cannot lock a gift hearse in Sidmouth"

_________________________If it was a choice between being stuck in a buffalo jam in Yellowstone or a traffic jam on the M25, I know which one I would choose.

Sir Lancelot went to the hall where the Round Table was. He saw a very fat knight sitting there. "Who's he? How did he get to be that size? He is a disgrace to our order!" Lancelot muttered to King Arthur. Arthur replied, "That's Sir Cumference. Rumor has it he's been eating too much pie."

Two politicians are running for presidency. When one won, the other said, "I've lost my election.""You sure?""I'm positive."

Two missionaries went to an island inhabited by cannibals, and were caught. After eating one, the cannibals felt ill, and released the other. One taste of religion was enough.

Two Eskimos were out in their kayak when they began to feel very cold. To keep from freezing, they lit a fire. As a result, the kayak sank. Of course, you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Finally, in my attempt at puns, I sent ten puns to my friends to see if they made them laugh. No pun in ten did.

_________________________Secret, shall I tell you? Quiz author at FunTrivia am I. Won this job in a raffle I did, think you?