THE FIRST TIME BRISBANE ROOFER Michael Rust decided to represent himself at a Souths Rugby Union kangaroo court, he left defeated and broken – after being sentenced to suck week-old raw oysters out of a prop’s belly button.

Last week, on the returning bus trip home from their win over the Brisbane Irish, the 28-year-old tragically answered a call from his girlfriend, Kyltynne.

She was just calling to see what time he’d be home, little did he know a teammate was listening in.

“I knew I’d fucked up. I wasn’t going to answer it, but I’m in the shit book at the moment, so I thought I’d better,” he said.

But then the bus filled with a chorus of ‘Oi’ and other loutish cries of commotion.

“Rusty’s talking to his FUCKING girlfrieeend,” screamed the fullback, lurching forward in his seat clutching a raspberry Red Bear tin.

With his red lips and tongue lashing Michael with accusation after accusation, it only took one reserve flanker at the front of the bus to call for a kangaroo court for it to be unanimously agreed on.

“I wasn’t going to take any chances, that’s why I’ve hired with dear-as-poison wigged cunt to make sure I don’t have to do anything fucked this time. He reckons he’ll get me off. The cunt better does more than reckon, he’s costing me five grand a day,” he said.

Representing Mr Rust is renown Adelaide Street solicitor, Alfred Beatmeoff, who famously got Gordon Tallis off a kangaroo court charge of not knowing how to play a poker machine correctly.

But Rust is charged with one count of talking to gash while on a footy bus trip and three counts of wincing while drinking warm Jim Beam tins – proving to be more than a challenge for Mr Beatmeoof.