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Friday, June 27, 2014

Today was the first official day of summer vacation, which is possibly the best day of the whole year! Nothing compares to completing the school year and having a sprawling summer ahead. Last night, I watched the extraordinary firefly show in our back yard and asked myself, "What should I be doing right now?" The answer? Watching the fireflies! What a great feeling.

After a year of tremendous gravity, my mission for the summer is to lighten up in every way possible - and to feel good every step of the way. I want to let go of anything that does not serve me. The time is right, and I am motivated!

After taking a walk with my husband this morning, I was torn between photographing roses at the Yaddo gardens and photographing water lilies in the swamp located within a wildlife sanctuary next to the river.

It's been a while since I've photographed water lilies - mostly because of the boat traffic from the PCB dredging taking place on the river for the past two years. It's difficult to achieve clear, sharp images if there's any movement on the water.

Last weekend, my husband and I passed by the swamp on our usual walking route, and I noticed it was filled with water lilies in bloom. Later that day, I tried to do my "work" work but realized I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything until I explored the swamp for the first time ever. Going into the swamp had never occurred to me until then!

My ex-husband used to talk about how much he loved swamps when he was younger, and I never
understood why. But now I get it! There is so much going on in a swamp! Water lilies, dragonflies, and great
blue herons, to name a few! I took the following shot from a considerable distance and had no idea that a dragonfly had touched down on the water lily I was photographing until I got back home and zoomed in!

It seems I find something new to fall in love with in nature every day of the year, but water lilies (and waterfalls) are right at the top of the list. Needless to say, the water lilies won my heart today, so I made my second, more leisurely, trip to the swamp. Oh, it was so peaceful! Here are some of my favorite images (minus the soothing sounds that accompanied them). Take a moment to sit with these images and feel the peace!

When I pulled my kayak out of the swamp, an older man was waiting to greet me. He worked for the Nature Conservancy and was just about to have lunch en route to an osprey nest. He asked if I had seen any herons, and I was excited to report that I did. He told me about other wildlife that lives in the wetland, including otters, muskrats, beavers, mink, and more. He was a wealth of information and cautioned me never to pick up a dragonfly nymph because their mandibles are very strong, and their bites hurt! I was so glad to run into him and to learn more about the wetland ecosystem - and to know that my presence in the swamp was encouraged!

When I set out this morning, my intention was to have it be my final time visiting the swamp. But those water lilies are irresistible. And there are otters...

---------------------------The photographs in this blog and in my Flickr photostream are available for purchase as prints or cards through my Etsy shop
by selecting a "custom print" in whatever size you prefer and
indicating either the name of the print or the blog post and order in which it
appears.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

This is the last weekend of the school year, and as I attend to my remaining responsibilities, I paused to reflect on what went well this year - what worked. I am convinced that children learn the most from the teacher's passion. When a teacher is truly excited about something, teaching is authentic, and the energy engages children and invites them to enter a space of wonder and joy. I love to abide with children in such a living, inspired space. It makes my time in the classroom feel worthwhile. So, as I reflect on the year, I looked for where I was able to breathe new life into the curriculum, fueled by what I love. This year, it was flowers - sunflowers, in particular.

I spent last summer observing and photographing sunflowers that popped up around our yard. I was fascinated by the pattern, blooming, and pollination of all the tiny flowers.

There were so many sunflowers in our yard, and we didn't have to do a thing. The birds did it all for us! My husband is serious about feeding the birds throughout the winter and buys mass quantities of sunflower seeds. In the course of their daily business, the birds managed to scatter them all over the yard. Many of the seeds developed into large plants with impressive blooms (that delighted the bees immensely). In time, the seed heads drooped, and the birds feasted on the mature seeds. So by summer's end, all the seeds that had grown into flowers had become mini bird feeders.

I was fascinated and excited by the whole process, and when the school year began, I wanted to share my love of sunflowers with my students. I cut a few seed heads from the stems and brought them in for our nature table.

I provided magnifying lenses for the children to use to examine the sunflower colors, patterns, textures, and anatomy. Eventually, one of the children asked if it was all right to remove some seeds. At first, I wanted them simply to observe them, but one morning - in response to their natural enthusiasm - I allowed small groups of children to work on removing the seeds after completing their morning work. It was a highly engaging fine-motor activity that maintained their interest for quite some time. It made my heart happy to see them engaged so contentedly with a gift from nature.

One small group had begun to sort the parts they had removed, and I encouraged them to continue. Next thing I knew, the other groups had followed their lead.

They were so proud of the work they did emptying and sorting!

Each day, they wanted more sunflower heads to de-seed, but I had run out, for the birds had picked out all the seeds from the remaining flowers in our yard. So a mom sent in a bunch of sunflowers from her family's property, and the fun continued. She sent in quite a few, and when the novelty seemed to have worn off, I put aside the rest and moved on to other activities. The dried sunflowers remained in a sack in a corner of the classroom throughout the winter, largely forgotten.

In the spring, we learned about plants and flowers. I asked the children if they'd like to plant and care for seeds of their own ("YES!!!") and asked them what kind of seeds they would like to plant. Well, every child wanted to plant sunflower seeds. And then I remembered the abandoned flowers in the corner. They planted, watered, and thinned the seeds, and took home their cups when the plants were a few inches tall.

I used the thinning process as an opportunity for the children to observe the root system. Each child determined which seedling seemed healthiest, and we pulled out the other one gently, to keep the roots intact. I displayed them on the nature table for the day with a magnifying glass and took a picture so I could refer to it on the SMART Board.

We created Sharpie and crayon-watercolor resist scientific illustrations of flowers. (I discovered this activity on my favorite teaching website, Fairy Dust Teaching.) The photo below is from a previous year when I gave the children the conventional spelling of the parts. This year, I let them sound-spell the labels.

In accordance with the ELA Common Core, we are required to have our students complete an informational writing sample, and this year, I had my students write about flowers. They used their scientific illustration as step one of the writing assignment. Step two was filling in a graphic organizer.

Step three was the final, written piece.

The bottom line is that we ended up getting a lot of mileage from the sunflowers I brought in for our nature table! Looking back, this is the area in which I felt the curriculum was most vibrant this year. These activities are keepers - and required no prep work on my part. Gifts from nature are the best!

And on that note, here's a card the children made for Mother's Day. I showed them some of my images of morning glories unrolling and opening movement by movement, and they wanted to give their moms some morning glory seeds that I had saved from last year's crop.

And there you have it: My flower-powered curriculum!

---------------------------The photographs in this blog and in my Flickr photostream are available for purchase as prints or cards through my Etsy shop
by selecting a "custom print" in whatever size you prefer and
indicating either the name of the print or the blog post and order in which it
appears.

Monday, June 16, 2014

I had the most transcendent experience at the labyrinth this afternoon when I was blessed to witness something I have longed deeply to see - an image I have not been able to let go of since it was described to me a year ago by the gardener. There has been something magical about the conversations I've had with her, and I always walk away feeling blessed. Well, this particular afternoon, she told me she had seen a turtle emerge from the pond, move across the labyrinth to lay its eggs, then return back across the labyrinth to the pond.

I know. It doesn't sound all that exciting. But for some reason, it planted a deep longing in me (and must have meant something to her, too). I love turtles - especially painted turtles - and I love labyrinths. I walked away wishing I could have witnessed it. I thought about it so much over the past year. I wondered if I'd be so fortunate to see the baby turtles cross the labyrinth later in the summer en route to the pond, and even calculated approximately when the babies were likely to emerge. No such luck. But I could not let go of the image of a wise, old turtle in the labyrinth. I visualized it through the winter. I visualized it through the spring. I wondered why this image fueled me with such deep longing. I realized the likelihood of me being there at the right time to see a turtle cross the labyrinth was very slim. I almost wished I had never heard about it because I couldn't stop longing for it! Perhaps I'd need to camp out at the labyrinth all day when the temperature was right, and keep watch. Even just a few days ago, I wished I were more talented at sketching or painting so I could reproduce the image that had made such an impression on my heart and mind.

Unless someone were inside my head and able to read my thoughts and feelings, it's probably impossible to understand how profound and meaningful this image was to me. I can't explain it.

I never did camp out at the labyrinth. I just continued longing and wished I could have been blessed as the gardener had been with such perfect timing. I decided that experience was meant for her, and if it were meant for me, I would experience it, too.

So, this afternoon I went to the labyrinth with no expectations other than to clear my head after a busy day at work. I crossed the labyrinth to look at the flowers, as I always do prior to walking the path to the center and back. And then I noticed a painted turtle off to the side of the labyrinth!

Well, you can imagine my excitement. I took out my camera ever so carefully, hoping to photograph it. Simply achieving a decent, closeup shot of the turtle would be gratifying enough.

But after several minutes, the turtle turned around and maneuvered toward the labyrinth. My excitement turned to astonishment. When the turtle began to plod along the outer circuit of the labyrinth, I whispered softly and repeatedly, "Oh. My. God," as tears dripped down my face.

This was even better than the gardener's description of the turtle crossing the labyrinth, for this turtle was following the labyrinth path!

With nearly breathless reverence, I watched the turtle as it continued to navigate the outer circuit.

Then it turned and exited through the threshold!

Before it slid into the pond, I thanked the turtle for giving me this incredible blessing. Then I walked the labyrinth in the turtle's footsteps, filled with awe and reverence. After that, I took an exercise walk on a nearby trail, and what I had just experienced hit me again. How profound that I was able to experience the sight for which I had longed so deeply! I cried reverent, grateful tears for quite some time as I walked along the trail. It simply was the greatest gift I could have received.

I had to write about it before falling asleep because such experiences need to be remembered and shared. To have such a deep longing fulfilled so unexpectedly is the most incredible feeling in the world. It's grace. I don't understand why the turtle in the labyrinth was such a powerful image and experience for me - only that it was. Before going to bed tonight, my son gave me a hug and, despite not fully understanding my excitement hours earlier, told me that he's glad I got to see what I needed to. That sums it up perfectly.

---------------------------The photographs in this blog and in my Flickr photostream are available for purchase as prints or cards through my Etsy shop
by selecting a "custom print" in whatever size you prefer and
indicating either the name of the print or the blog post and order in which it
appears.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

"He's still around. Just listen." - George Harrison (to Tom Petty after the death of Roy Orbison)

This is the longest I have gone between blog posts! Over the past week and a half, I have been immersed full throttle in end-of-the-school-year responsibilities. The workload this year is more overwhelming than ever (compliments of New York State's APPR teacher evaluation system), and I have been putting in ten-hour days at school and then staying up until midnight in order to meet all the deadlines that come in rapid succession. Toward the end of the week, I felt completely exhausted and knew I couldn't continue at this pace and intensity when grief is still so fresh and so physically and emotionally draining. It's as if one marathon ended and was followed immediately by another. It is not a time to be some kind of superwoman and deprive myself of sleep. So, despite all that needs to be done within the next 12 days, I am taking a necessary breather and doing some writing before resuming my work.

The day before I returned to work following my bereavement leave, I attempted to begin cleaning up five months of chaos around the house and didn't get very far, although I did manage to do the dishes. (And since then, I have resumed cooking meals!) At one point, I stopped to call a bereavement organization to order a book for my dad, and when I gave the woman my address, she queried, "N as in Nancy?" Nancy is my mom's name, and I could barely answer another question or get off the phone soon enough before the cloudburst of tears began. It was such a raw, vulnerable feeling of never knowing when it's going to hit or what will trigger the tears. And yet, I had no problem at all later that day getting water from the spring right next to where my mom worked for 34 years, perhaps because I expected it might be rough and was able to prepare myself - cover up the raw nerves. It's the little surprises - such as a friend's description of opening his dad's old duffel bag and smelling his sweat and cologne - that sneak up and knock you off balance because you weren't expecting them.

Several days later, I was on the phone once again giving my address and was asked the same question. Only this time, I shook my head and answered with a smile. Perhaps next time, I will offer, "N as in Nancy" right off the bat!

This is a well traveled path, and I appreciate and find great comfort in words from others who are walking ahead of me and are more familiar with this terrain. I especially appreciate when friends share experiences they have had of connecting with their dearly departed's essence.

One evening, I felt a profound sense of peace and realized that - despite everything that has happened - all is well. And when I voiced that out loud to myself, I felt embraced. It was a wonderful feeling, like a spiritual hug. And it’s true: Losing a parent during adulthood is part of the natural order of life. Despite our personal losses, we are part of something so much larger than our little, individual selves. We are part of the rhythm and dance of Life. We are interconnected with all of life. This is so comforting! To know that I am part of this dance is such a blessing! It doesn’t even matter what I believe about what happens after we die. To know I am interconnected with the living universe is enough. My son and I talked about such things on the dock that evening with the light of stars and airplanes both in the sky and reflected on the calm water. We were looking for fireflies, which hadn't come out yet. When I told him about feeling so peaceful and the sensation of being embraced, the first firefly flew past us, illuminated. We sat on the dock with lights twinkling above, below, and around us, dwelling in the feeling that "All is well."

I feel much calmer now, in general. I don't have to check my phone constantly or rush straight from school to my parents' house, not knowing what small crisis might arise from day to day or hour to hour. No more racing against time and not knowing how far to the finish line.

Nature continues to uplift me and soothe my soul: The brilliant orange glint of orioles darting to and fro; cottonwood seed babies rising into the sun en masse; long (and nearly invisible) gossamer filaments drifting through perfumed air; the first couple lily pads floating on the water's surface; being dazzled by an iris in the process of becoming (and the genius of nature's packaging); and floating in my kayak, feeling at peace, and then noticing a familiar pair of wings beating toward me from across the river, for my beloved great blue heron finally has returned!

Nighttime is somewhat magical and definitely restorative. I dreamt again of a unicorn shaped cloud. One night, I woke up with a strong impression of a little technician next to me helping to reset my cells. It looked like a solar panel, with many rows and columns of photovoltaic cells that were being clicked on and off. Another time, I awoke in the middle of the night from a dream in which a woman who was very, very special and either dying or already dead communicated a message to me as I held her hand. I couldn't remember a single word of the woman's communication but woke up to a voice that said, "The veil is very, very thin right now." (If that was an opportunity of some sort, I was too exhausted to take advantage of it.) Similarly, a family member who has been a lifelong religious and spiritual skeptic reported a highly symbolic and ineffable experience that included being enveloped by an indescribable golden light that pushed a force of happiness into him or her along with the understanding that my mom is with us and able to tune in to our thoughts. This relative felt my mom provided a glimpse of what it feels like to be in the afterlife, and I have been smiling all day since hearing about it. Other family members have shared their dreams and impressions with me, and it really feels (as one relative put it) as if my mom has cleared customs and been approved for earthly travel!

On a more "rational" level, so many questions began to bubble up to the surface this week, as I attempted to make sense of what I have experienced over the past six months. Did my mom have any closure in the end? When did she realize she was dying? What was that like for her? Was she able to achieve any sense of peace, or did she become stuck in depression and apathy? Is there anything I can do even now to help her to achieve closure? I read through my journal entries from the past six months with such questions in mind. I am grateful that I took the time to jot down notes about things my mom said from day to day that revealed various milestones, such as when she realized she would not get better and when she felt the cancer invading her body much more aggressively. I listened closely for subtle communications and took them seriously. I assured her that what she was experiencing was normal when she feared she was losing her mind, and invited her to talk about it - but it seemed she could only say so much. Did she suffer in silence? There definitely was a line I felt I could not cross without throwing everything and everyone completely off balance. There’s a lot I did do to help my mom during the months she approached death. But there’s so much more I wish I could have done and wanted to do.

These are questions to which I might never have answers. And what value would me having the answers contribute to the world, anyway? Perhaps it is best to rest in the questions. Let them be.

What is the best response to an active mind? The fragrance of flowers, the movement of clouds across the sky,a field of fireflies, breathing in and out: OM. Return to love. Return, return, return.

More questions arose after I watched Martin Scorsese's 208-minute documentary/biography, George Harrison: Living in the Material World (for the second time in recent months) from start to finish one evening. I am so inspired by the way George Harrison faced his death (and replay frequently his song, "All Things Must Pass"). It sounds like he wanted to immerse himself in meditation as he approached death and be as conscious as possible as he left his body. Was he able to do that? I wonder how heavily he was sedated during his dying days and to what extent the pain meds prevent a person from entering meditative consciousness? How do you balance meditation with medication when the pain is so bad?

I began to wonder (in a purely contemplative manner): Did my mom (who did not like to medicate herself unnecessarily and was very wary of morphine) receive palliative sedation that was appropriate to her level of pain, or was she essentially euthanized by meds that - in addition to relieving the pain - made her unaware and hastened death mercifully? Were we giving her too much pain medicine at the end, beyond what she would have wished? Or was she not letting on how ferocious the pain was, other than to insist she did not want to live like that? Is it possible not to be over-sedated in such a situation, or is the pain so absolutely unbearable that palliative sedation is the only compassionate response? And what implications does pain management have on entering death with awareness?

The latter is a question I found unsettling. Eventually, one answer I arrived at was to communicate to those who would be most closely involved in your care how they can take over a meditative practice or make a specific prayer request on your behalf when you are no longer able to communicate. This also includes making known your wishes for what readings or music you want around your deathbed, the level of lighting you prefer, etc. I remember how distracted I was during the birth of my first child by the conversations taking place around me and M*A*S*H being played on the television in the hospital room. It was a much more peaceful atmosphere the second time (a homebirth) when soothing music played, and I was surrounded only by loved ones (including my spiritual teacher) and a midwife who was attuned impeccably to my process. Surely, I imagine, the same atmospheric concerns would apply to death midwifery. At the same time, I believe that when a dying person is not lucid, processes are still taking place on other levels and dimensions and that there is much more going on than meets the eye.

These are some of the questions I intend to explore with my spiritual caregivers after the school year is over. Returning to George Harrison, however, perhaps some insight comes from his widow's description of a bluish white light that engulfed him and filled the room when he died. Despite all the questions bubbling up in my mind, it seems to me that the experiences of light, peace, and spiritual understanding that we are gifted completely eclipse any thoughts our minds can entertain.

---------------------------The photographs in this blog and in my Flickr photostream are available for purchase as prints or cards through my Etsy shop
by selecting a "custom print" in whatever size you prefer and
indicating either the name of the print or the blog post and order in which it
appears.

Monday, June 2, 2014

After learning of my mom's terminal diagnosis a few days before Christmas, I began pointing my camera at subjects more personal than my usual landscapes and nature fascinations. Today I want to share some of my favorite images from this intimate journey.

On Christmas day, objects that had been around my parents' house for as long as I could remember suddenly glowed with splendor and meaning. I noticed them. For example, I remembered how I loved to play with my mom's jars of nail polish when I was a child and would line them up and pretend they were shiny, little people.

In the image below, my mom had just received her first lovely floral arrangement from Maestro Charles Dutoit and Chantal Juillet. She and I had been writing her obituary and discussing her funeral arrangements, and I knew that the conducting baton Maestro Dutoit had autographed and presented to her in honor of her retirement was one of three items she wished to have displayed next to her ashes. She took the baton out of its case, read the inscription, and pretended to conduct with it. In this moment of reflection, the wall calendar in the background stands out as a poignant detail.

Toward the end of January, my dad was hospitalized and underwent surgery to improve circulation in his foot. After he was discharged, he needed to keep his leg elevated. My mom was experiencing some clotting in her leg (a side effect of the chemotherapy) and had to elevate hers, as well. For a while, neither of them could drive, and they sat on the couch looking like bookends. My mom was losing her taste for food but went through a phase in which she enjoyed strawberry smoothies that I made for her. Her appetite was very small, and I always made more than she could drink by herself, so this time my dad got the leftovers.

As more medications gathered on the windowsill, the medication schedule became more complicated, confusing, and expensive. One prescription for counteracting the blood clotting caused by chemo cost $1,000 out of pocket and was not reimbursable! My parents regarded chemotherapy as their only hope to keep my mom around longer, whereas I felt chemo caused more problems (i.e. transfusions, painful clotting/swelling, exhaustion, and hospitalizations) and wished my mom would give it up and focus on quality of life. It was so frustrating to watch my parents cling for dear life to something that kept them in a cycle of suffering. I realized the only sane response was to let go of the need for a particular outcome, trust the process, and honor my parents by accepting wherever they happened to be on this shared journey.

I
had a dream in which my mom and I visited my grandmother's house,
and she was comforted by what she found there. In waking life, none of
us had been inside the house since we sold it to the current owners
following my grandmother's death three years ago. I woke up feeling it
was important to get my mom there. I made arrangements that were delayed
by another hospitalization, but finally we seized a beautiful spring day and made it happen. We were so
pleased to see the improvements the current owners made to the house and
to feel all the love that resided there, including a sweet little girl with a passion for horses (whom my grandmother would have adored). It was so good to know that the house in which
we experienced so many happy memories was well loved. In this photo, my mom is outside the house with her brother looking at a picture of them with their mom when they were young children.

Alena was my mom's companion to the end.

The
next image is from Mother's Day. The previous day, my mom had been
admitted into hospice care, which couldn't happen until she
had stopped her chemo treatments. This was a very difficult decision,
particularly for my dad who had to let go of what he saw as his last
hope to keep my mom alive. After my sister and her young children left,
the house was quiet and felt very different. A foreboding sense of sadness
was heavy in the air. My mom was sitting in her favorite spot on the back porch, and all of a
sudden, my 19-year-old daughter knew what to do. She sat down at the
piano and played the song, "Hallelujah." I went downstairs and told my
mom, and she made her way to the living room with her brand new cane
given to her as a Mother's Day present. My daughter tried with all her
might not to cry as she played the powerful song repeatedly, and as the music flowed, the room filled with
light.

The coffee table became my mother's universe. This was a brand new coffee table that I see as a manifestation of the hope my parents held onto until the tail end.

This
last photo is perhaps one of the most personal and powerful images I've ever
captured. It's of the sun rising outside my mom's room after she passed
away a few hours earlier. In one window is the image of a
universe dissolved - one of THE most profound events of my life - balanced
by the pastel magnificence of the sunrise in the other window. The world continued to turn
without missing a beat. How could that be? At the same time, I am grateful
it did because it is so comforting to know that we are all part of
this great rhythm and dance of life. From this perspective, All Is Well.

And finally, the funeral home altar with my mom's flight attendant hat, Dutoit's baton, and her guitar - symbols of different chapters of her life. This image poses the question: What objects would serve as symbols of your life?

Accompanying
this series of images in my photo library are sunrises and sunsets,
frost, woodpeckers, cardinals, icicles, shadows on snow, empty milkweed pods,
silhouetted winter trees, ice, tender green shoots, clouds, fog,
crocuses, budding trees, moss and lichen, daffodils, grape hyacinths, bees,
lilacs, rainbows, tulips, willows, dandelions, maple leaves unfurling,
fiddlehead ferns, wild columbines, and chive blossoms. They have been my
companions and mirrors on this journey and have kept me connected to the
larger cycles of the natural world. This connection has nourished and
uplifted me, given me strength and an expanded perspective, and provided
me with proof that we are part of something much larger than ourselves.
Quiet moments in nature helped me to know what to do and when to do it
each step of the way and charged my battery so I could be present with my
mother as fully as possible during the final months of her life.

I had followed the hearse to the crematorium in Vermont and stayed close by so I could bring home my mother's cremains. While that process was taking place, I passed the time walking
around the unfamiliar town. I walked past a children's clothing shop that
had pretty dresses on display, imagined my mom would have loved that
store, and instantly broke into tears. That was the first acute wave of
grief that walloped me. But then I kept
walking and ended up alongside a small river that runs through town. The
river soothed me. I couldn't make out what it was telling me, although I
knew it had spoken to a part of me that understood river language.

I realize there will be many more episodes of grief arising out of the blue and knocking me off balance. But there also will be rivers and infinite connections with nature to support me
throughout the journey and to remind me there is a force larger than ourselves that connects and unites us all - and that the sunrise always follows the sunset, no matter how deep a loss is experienced on the personal level.

---------------------------The photographs in this blog and in my Flickr photostream are available for purchase as prints or cards through my Etsy shop
by selecting a "custom print" in whatever size you prefer and
indicating either the name of the print or the blog post and order in which it
appears.

RIVER BLISS HAS MOVED!

About Me

When you fall in love with a river, you find that it is connected with everything else.
Greetings from the Upper Hudson River! "River bliss" is my name for the state of consciousness I experience while floating on the river in my kayak. It is my medicine for inner peace, clarity, and creativity. This blog is my attempt to share beauty, peace, and awe through images and words that greet me in stillness on the river and in other sacred places. It is my greatest joy to awaken and inspire others through discovering and sharing magic moments, and I invite you to join me on this journey.