Journey to Recovery from Childhood Abuse

Made it Through October in One Piece!

As I have shared several times before, October through December are typically very rough months for me. Some of this is the result of the ritual abuse I suffered as a child. I suspect that this is also a difficult time because there are so many holidays, which when I was a child signified being separated from those who were supportive (teachers and friends), leaving me 24/7 with my crazy family and their friends.

Regardless of the reason, October is generally a very difficult time of year. I pretty much stay triggered, alternating between feeling anxious and feeling very depressed. I am happy to report that I did much better this October than I have in previous years. Hooray!

I am not saying that I was able to avoid being triggered. Anyone who reads my blog regularly knows that these last couple of weeks have involved one trigger after another. The big difference is that I have not stayed triggered. I have been successful in pulling myself out of the nosedives repeatedly. The good news is that I have had many “good” days. The bad news is that I feel like a Weeble-Wobble that keeps getting knocked down and then getting back up … up and down … up and down … until I start to feel dizzy.

In some ways, handling the triggers in a healthier way is just as tiring as staying “stuck” in the triggers. There is a certain amount of “comfort” in knowing that I am in a bad place and will stay there for a while. Even though I don’t enjoy it, I know what to expect. These days, I cannot tell you from hour to hour what state I will be in. That is exhausting, but I still wouldn’t trade it. As I pull myself out of the swirling currents over and over again, I gain confidence in knowing that I am not going to drown.

I was pleasantly surprised not to have to deal with any Halloween-related (ritual abuse) triggers this year. For as long as I can remember, being out after dark has been triggering. Couple that with seeing black hooded figures, and I typically have a very bad headache every Halloween. That did not happen this year (to my utter amazement), so I guess I am making progress in that area.

How did all of you deal with Halloween this year? Was it as triggering as ever? Or did you notice some progress in healing? (Or both?)

Photo credit: Rosanne Mooney

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15 Responses

October can be a rough time for me. I too had a better October. In part as I knew why it was rough. For me it was when the MKULTRA school was in full swing. They seem to follow a college schedule many were professors and educators.

I know much more of one that can remember about what happened in the MKULTRA school. I expect he is the host and there are others.

My memory as a child is keyed to places not events. That is how I get to the events. This was where I spent the most time where I should not be. All of the time was not pure horror like the RA.

To those of you not familiar some of the MKULTRA programs were trauma based and RA from birth was part of the program. The trauma was subcontracted to those that already practiced RA.

October is also when I take off or start a plan to take off. I did not know that. We seemed to handle that pretty well. Least I will be in therapy in a few hours and not in a different state or country.

I did not stay home for the trick or treaters. I only get a few and then eat all the candy. I went for a swim.

The RA is now more real to me. Not that it happened rather it was real people and not at all spiritual.

I am beginning to understand that all those involved in the abuse had power they were not powerful as individuals. Even as a child I had more personal power. I was a multiple.

It was helpful to know that October was hard for others. Thank you so much.

GREAT FAITH!! And GREAT for you too MFF!!! It’s so reassuring to hear of such successes.

I have only problems with waking up with the change in weather and also with holiday stress. I do get triggered easily, but fortunately it doesn’t last very long and is usually something I can handle easily with a little support.

Hi Faith, MFF and Mia,
I am not doing so well, but seeing what you all have written makes me think maybe I will be/am ok. I think I am still triggered from a few weeks ago. I cant seem to get a grip and work is impossible. I also read a newstory last week which spun me hard. I wont go into the details of that – dont want to spin you or me.
But
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I cut my side up . The last time I did it I stopped in the middle, had a moment where I felt like I sort of woke up, and was like why am I doing this? And the thought came into my head because I want to see your ribs. I don’t understand this, but all the blood felt so good. I needed that relief.
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I cant settle today. I just want to feel safe and warm, protected. I just want to crawl into my t’s lap, suck my thumb. I want to fall asleep with her arms around me and just be safe. Intellectually I know I am safe right now. But I dont feel safe.
palucci

October was better for me too. But today for some reason I am overwhelmed with sadness. Have no idea why. Well…not true, now that I think of it, the daughter of one of my primary abusers died yesterday. Maybe that’s it, but we hadn’t seen each other in more than a decade. She was much older than me and it seems like I kind of replaced her in her dad’s incest and RA stuff. Oh…man…gotta go…I get it, but it’s not good.

if ok hugs (((Ruby))). shiver. you are ok. you are not a replacement anymore. you are safe right now ( It help me when people tell me that, cause although intellectually I know it, I just cant feel it. wondering if you might be the same).
Peace – thinking strong positive thoughts for you and (((diamond)))
palucci

september and october are bad months for me. not for any halloween reason though. just dates specific to my own family and experiences. i lost two weeks in a row. the rest of the time i was switching several times a day and i am now trying my best to pick up my pieces and get it together. it is so hard to explain to my husband how it feels to fall apart in the sense of dis-integrating again. how do others explain these things ?
how do you explain when a child part starts sobbing for no present reason in front of one of your adult friends and when you ‘come to’ having no idea that it happened they are looking at you like you are nuts ? sometimes i think locking myself away is the best answer but i know that in reality that would be the worst course of action.

October was horrible for me… I was going to write days ago, but couldnt… now I am doing a bit better. I was afraid to be outside after dark, especially as the full moon was approaching. I saw a bunch, a lot of kids at the YMCA who came in costume I was terrified, I couldnt breathe, I had to call a friend to help me. I saw a boy in cape, and his face was painted, I couldnt breathe…. I have been totally terrified and trembling when I saw anyone in costume. I thought they would take me again, and I wouldnt make it this time. I was shaking on the 31st. I spent the day with someone, but had a really hard time. It was really really hard.