Chandler:
I can't ok? While she is out of work, I'm all she's got. That's
why I was thinking maybe we can all pitch in and buy her her own
restaurant.

[Phoebe enters.]

Rachel: Hey Phoebs, how'd it go with Scott last night?

Phoebe: Oh, um, it was nice. Took him to a romantic restraunt,
ordered champagne, nice.

Joey: The guy still won't put out, huh?

Phoebe: Nope. Zilch, nothin', uh-uh.

ALL: Sorry Phoebs.

Phoebe: Look, I, y'know, I don't mind taking it slow, I like him
a lot, y'know he's really interesting and he's really sweet and
why won't he give it up?

Joey: Maybe he, uhh... drives his car on the other side of the
road, if ya know what I mean.

Phoebe: No, whad'ya mean? He's not British.

Joey: Maybe he's. . . gay.

Phoebe: Oohh, um, no, I don't think that's the problem. 'Cause we
went, um, dancing the other night and the way he held me so
close, and the way he was looking into my eyes I just like...
definitely felt something.

Ross: [reluctantly] Can I come over tomorrow and pick up Fluffy
Meowington's cat toy.

Monica: Alright.

Joey: [to Ross] You're getting a cat?

Ross: Uh, actually, we're getting a cat.

Rachel: Together?

Ross: Uh huh.

Rachel: Both of you?

Ross: Yep.

Rachel: Together.

JULIE: Yeah, we figure it'll live with Ross half the time, and
with me half the time.

Rachel: Ohh, well, isn't that just lovely. That's something the
two of you will be able to enjoy for a really, really, really,
really, really long time.

Ross: Hopefully.

Rachel: Well. [looks at watch] Woah, look at that! I gotta go, I
gotta date. With a man. Um, OK, you guys have a really, uh, have
a really good night and you two have a, uh, have a, uh, really
good cat. [she leaves carrying her tray then comes back in] OK,
we're not supposed to take these when we leave.

[Scene: A nice restraunt. Rachel is on her date with Michael:.]

Michael: I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first
date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little
nervous, I am.

Rachel: [distracted] How long do cats live?

Michael: [confused] I'm sorry?

Rachel: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't... y'know,
throw 'em under a bus or something?

Michael: Um, maybe 15, 16 years.

Rachel: That's just great. [she picks up her champagne and starts
drinking]

Michael: Um, cheers.

Rachel: Oh, right, clink. [downs her glass]

Michael: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she?

Rachel: Oh, no, Michael:, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just,
it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this
friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.

Joey: Phoebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you're
just gonna have to ask him.

Phoebe: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm. [they
hug]

[Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully
pushes him. They start puching and slapping harder and harder
until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious
expression, and chases her away.]

[Scene: Back in the restraunt. Rachel pours the last of the
champange bottle in her glass.]

Rachel: [obviously drunk] I mean, it's a cat, y'know, it's a cat.
Why can't they get one of those bugs, y'know, one of those
fruitflies, those things that live for like a day or something?
[belligerently] What're they called, what're they called, what're
they called?

Michael: Fruitflies?

Rachel: Yes! Thank you.

[The waiter comes to the table.]

WAITER: So, would you like any dessert?

Michael: No! No dessert, just a check, please.

Rachel: Oh, you're not having fun, are you?

Michael: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a
half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head.

Rachel: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a
really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and
his... Julie.

Michael::
Look do you want a piece of pie or something?

Rachel: No! Ah! It's too late for that man. I
have just screwed this all up. I just want
to get over him. gosh, why can't I do that?

Michael: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're
gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had
any closure.

Rachel: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need.
God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get
that?

Michael: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just,
you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him,
"I'm over you."

Rachel: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. [she looks around
the restaurant, spotting a guy with a cellular phone] Hello,
excuse me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo [she almost falls out of her
chair]

GUY: Hang on.

Rachel: Hello, excuse me.

GUY: What.

Rachel: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one
minute.

GUY: I'm talkin'!

Rachel: I can see that. I... just one phone call, I'll be very
quick, I'll even pay for it myself. [man is still reluctant] OK,
you're bein' a little weird about your phone.

Rachel: Thank you. (To
Michael in a drunk way) I am so good with people. OK. [dials] Machine. Just waiting for the beep.

Michael: Good.

RACHEL: [on phone] Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say
that um, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your
cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael:. And, you
know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over
you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call
closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is answering the
door in his robe.]

Monica: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more
pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board.
Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo [Chandler walks out of the apartment,
leaving Monica] Woo.

Ross: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right
now. I mean, I've uh, y'know, I've got a cab, I've got a
girlfriend, I'm... I'm gonna go get a cat.

Rachel: OK, OK.

Ross: Cat. [leaves]

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is watching a rabbi
play an electric guitar on TV. Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey Joey.

Joey: Hey Phoebs.

Phoebe: How come you're watching a rabbi play electric guitar?

Joey: I can't find the remote. [Phoebe turns off the TV] Thank
you.

Phoebe: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I
did.

Joey: And?

Phoebe: And we did.

Joey: All right Phoebs, way to go.

Phoebe: Yay me.

Joey: So, so how did it happen?

Phoebe: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was
going on.

Joey: And what did he say?

Phoebe: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a
very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I
was gonna get all, y'know, like, 'ohh, is he gonna call me the
next day' and, y'know, 'where is this going' and, ya know,
blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was
prepared to be really serious.

Joey: Wow.

Phoebe: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," y'know, I
mean, sex can be just about two people right there in the moment,
y'know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not,
that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced
him.

Joey: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with
him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got
you thinking this was a great idea.

Phoebe: Um-hum.

Joey: This man is my God.

[Scene: Ross and Julie are at
the pound looking for a cat.]

Julie (looking
at a cat in a cage): Ooh, this one is cute,
don't you think?

Ross: Yeah.
This one's cute and-and that one's cute (points to a cat) and
that one's cute. (points to another cat). They're all cute.
They're kittens. Let's just wrap it up and get the hell out of
here.

Julie: Are you
ok?

Ross (with a
worried look): Yeah me, me? Sure. Yea Yea. Yeah!

Julie: Ross,
honey, hey..I know that this a big step for us but I've got a
feeling we're going to be ok.

Ross: Yeah I
know. I know. (to the worker) So um, do you have any cats that
are really old or incredibly sick? Just--

(The worker gives him a strange
look.)

Julie: Ross? I
don't want one that is about to die.

Ross: Oh see,
now we should of worked that out before we came down here.

Julie: Oook
sweetie I am going to narrow it down to this one over here
(points to one)..

Ross: Yea

Julie: ...and
this one with the stripes.(points to one). Ok. You pick!

Ross: Uh oh
wait. I a-. I have to pick?

Julie: Yeah,
which ever one you want!

Ross: Oh well
I um..I don't know. I mean it's not that easy to choose. You
know? I mean both-both cats are-are beautiful and um..funny
and....you know I am sure I would be happy with either cat. I-I
just..

Julie: Well,
do you wanna take both?

Ross: Both? Both?
I can't have two cats-I mean..Joey's the kind of guy who can have
two cats.

Rachel: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You
think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?

Ross: Then you should have said something before I met her.

Rachel: I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything
to me.

Ross: There was never a good time.

Rachel: Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every
night.

Ross: Not, not, not every night. You know, and... and it's
not like I didn't try, Rachel, but things got in the way, y'know?
Like, like Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys.

Rachel: Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have
a point?

Ross: The point is I... I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's
too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has
sailed.

Rachel: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of put away
feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?

Ross: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth grade, I've gotten
pretty damn good at it.

Rachel: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright
Ross.

Ross: Fine.

Rachel: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.

Ross: Good.

Rachel: Good. [Ross leaves]

[Rachel gets up and opens the door, yelling
after him.]

Rachel: And ya know what, now I've
got closure.

[Rachel slams the door and locks it. She sits down, visibly
upset. She puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. Ross
comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel
regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him. She
smiles. She goes to open the door and can't get the lock undone.]