Advice—June 2007

Dear Sparkle,
My human and I live by ourselves in a big apartment that overlooks a yard that attracts lots of birds. I even have my own window perch so I can nap when I’m not bird watching. I think our life is perfect, but my human apparently doesn’t agree because lately she’s been seeing this guy—a lot! Sometimes she’s gone all night. Other times, he comes over and stays overnight. I don’t like this guy. He’s big and loud and obnoxious and he smells funny. He watches noisy things on TV, with people screaming a lot. Sometimes he screams at the TV. He’s very strange and I don’t know what my human sees in him. Can I get rid of him somehow? He’s not mean to me or anything—in fact, I usually hang out under the bed while he’s around so I don’t see all that much of him. But my human’s talking like she wants to move in with him, which means we would have to leave this cool apartment! This guy has to go. Any tips on what to do?
Signed,
Concerned

Dear Concerned,
I know how worrisome new humans can be. They are oversized, unpredictable creatures—plus there’s that odd smell they all seem to have! And from the sounds of it, the one you’re dealing with is less pleasant than most. He’s extra-large, loud, and he’s turning your own human into a nitwit. I can totally understand why you’d want to get rid of him. That said, however, I do have to admit that you’re jumping to conclusions here. Since you spend most of your time hiding from this new human, things may not be as bad as you have assumed.

Instead of going into a panic and resorting to your most drastic measures, such as peeing on his clothing or sharpening your claws on his pants leg (while he’s still wearing the pants, of course), you should suss out the situation first. So next time he comes over, get out from under the bed and check him out. Walk over to him and give him a few cautious sniffs (try not to wrinkle your nose), then step back and see what he does. For your sake, I hope he’s not one of those obnoxious types who immediately makes a grab for you. Some male humans try to make a good impression by showing off how good they are with the female human’s cat. This always backfires, because as you know, we hate it when humans are too forward. If he tries this, I suggest you scoot right back under the bed until he learns some manners. If he acknowledges your presence but then lets you be, that’s good. Worse case scenario is if he pushes you away. Then sure, go ahead and pee on his stuff. He deserves it. But if he behaves himself, take some time to get to know him. Chances are he’ll be nice to you (he does want your human to be nice to him, after all). Maybe your human will even encourage him to give you treats or play with you. The situation can be manipulated in your favor, you know.

As for the moving part, I wouldn’t get too nervous just yet. Male humans hate change almost as much as we cats do, so he may not be in any hurry to make a new home with you and your human. In fact, if he is slow enough maybe your human will grow tired of him and stop seeing him. On the other hand, it’s also possible that you could wind up in a new home with even more space and a yard that has a better selection of birds than what you already have. So calm down! You really don’t know what’s going to happen and stressing out about the possibilities is useless. Just keep a watchful eye on the situation, and that should give you a better idea on how to proceed.