My boyfriend is cold towards me

My boyfriend recently told me that he didn't know whether he loved me anymore. He said he wanted space but wanted to continue our relationship. His fa...

24/09/2007

Question

My boyfriend recently told me that he didn't know whether he loved me any more. He said he wanted space, but also wanted to continue our relationship.

His father died very recently of cancer after a short illness and our relationship difficulties seemed to begin when his father became ill.

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So my boy friend became unaffectionate and distant. I am moving out of our shared flat.

I love him and want to be with him but wonder if I am just fooling myself if I try and make him love me again. What should I do?

Answer

David writes:

Well, from long experience, I can tell you that the prospects for you two do not seem bright - sorry. This chap wants space - and you should have some too.

I suggest you stay well away from him for a fixed period of (say) three months - and then see how you feel.

One word of warning about sex; he's talking about 'having space' but 'continuing the relationship'. Very often, when a bloke says this, he wants to continue having sex, but doesn't want commitment.

Do not be trapped into such an arrangement.

Christine adds:

Yes, I do agree. Either you're having space, or you're not. He can't have space, and continue the relationship. If you have space - the relationship, including all sexual contact, is put 'on hold'.

I think that things may improve if you have the courage to stay right away. If you do, there's a strong chance he will really miss you. Also, you will feel stronger about yourself - especially if you get out and about with friends and try to have a really good time.

This means that even if he doesn't want to get back together, you will have started the process of recovery. So my best advice is that you tell him that you really love him, but, as he has requested, you are going to give him space for three months.

One last thing: he is undoubtedly very, very cut up about his father - and that is entirely understandable. So I suggest that before severing contact, you let him know about Cruse Bereavement Care, which is an organisation for all bereaved people. They will help him.

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I know that the next few months will be very difficult. But please do try to be strong and stay away from your man and give him the space he needs.

This kind of break in a relationship does tend to show both parties what they really, really want. Not making a complete break, on the other hand, usually just delays pain and sorrow in the long run.

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