The Sex of Your Dreams (Really!)

There's no more denying it: Women are just as horny as men -- if their dreams are any indication.

Forty years ago, studies reported that women dreamt about sex less frequently than men.

That was probably wrong. Women may have been shy about admitting to their dreams. Or maybe the increased sexual freedom of recent decades has led to sexier dreams.

A new study out of the University of Montreal found that about 8 percent of both men's and women's dreams contain sexual activity.

Women's dreams tend to be about real-life sexual partners, past or present, and women are more likely than men to dream about celebrities—rock stars, movie stars, and politicians (Brad Pitt, Bono and George Clooney were among the study subjects' faves).

Men's dreams are more likely than women to dream about imaginary, unknown people, and the encounters take place in public or in unknown settings.

Men are also more likely to have sex with multiple partners. In their dreams.

And what happens in these dreams? Sexual intercourse was the most common activity, followed by sexual propositions, kissing, fantasies, and masturbation, said study author Antonio Zadra, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at the university.

Elizabeth, 25, of Nashville, Tenn., is typical. She says her first sex dream was as a teenager, involving a Party of Five star.

"I dreamed that Scott Wolf and I were flying through the air in a cardboard box -- having the wildest sex as we floated through the clouds," she says. "It was utterly bizarre and totally comical. But to this date, it's still the hottest and most memorable sex dream I've ever had."

She now sees it as a virgin's idealized vision of sex. "The last sex dream I had involved Eminem. My, how things have changed."

Zadra says his research, presented last month at a sleep conference, is the first in decades to quantify the kinds of sex dreams people have.

Do they mean anything? They might. Zadra said one theory of dreaming is that it "reflects the dreamer's waking state and concerns." And the difference between men's and women's dreams "may be indicative of different waking needs, experiences, desire and attitudes with respect to sexuality."

Researchers asked 64 men and 109 women (average age: 30) to record their nightly dreams for 2 to 4 weeks. They analyzed more than 3,500 dreams logged.

The sexual revolution and changing cultural norms allow women to feel more comfortable and free to express their sexuality, some experts say.

"I think that women are having more sex dreams because since the birth control pill gave us more sexual freedom, social mores have shifted, and sex is seen as something that adds pleasure and gusto to life, not as a marital chore as it once was," says Cynthia Richmond, author of Dream Power and a columnist for the Arizona Republic.

Whether women are actually dreaming more about sex or are just more willing to report their fantasies, it's a good thing. When women dream about sex, they often wake up aroused, just as men do -- so take advantage of it.

"If I wake up feeling sexy, I feel sexy all day, and I want to get laid, so I call my guy," says Susan Crain Bakos, author of The Sex Bible. "Pay attention to your body and listen. Your erotic brain is working, which means you want to have sex, so have more sex."

"The best part of having a sexy dream is waking up feeling frisky and then telling my boyfriend about it. And then turning dream to reality," says Ann, 27, of New York City.

So why do women dream about current or past partners and public figures?

Bakos says women tend to focus more on their partner's qualities, whereas men focus on the act. "Women have a stronger need than men to attach a personality to their fantasies," she says. "Men are more comfortable focusing on body parts and sexual acts."

Others say the people and objects in dreams are often symbolic.

"If a woman dreams of having sex with the President, she may want more power or authority," Richmond says.

Or you may dream about your outgoing sister-in-law if you wish your wife would be more confident and spontaneous.

Sex therapist Laura Berman, Ph.D., wrote that a female's more emotional connection with a lover explains why a dream may feature a past or current partner. And evolution could explain the celebrities: In ancient times (and now, to some extent), a woman would prefer a prominent male who could provide for her and any offspring.

Women dreamed of celebrities in 9 percent of sex dreams. For men, the figure was 5 percent.

"Every once in a blue moon, I'll have a dream about a random celeb -- usually because we were talking about them that day," says April, 21, of Austin, Texas. "Mostly my sex dreams are about me and my boy."

Not surprisingly, multiple sex partners were reported twice as frequently in men's sexual dreams as in women's.

But tell your girlfriend or wife there may be a scientific explanation.

"Biologically, men want to spread their semen as far as possible, and women want to protect their eggs," says Malcolm McKay, sex educator and therapist for the Seattle Institute for Sex Therapy, Education, and Research.

How good were you in her dream? Both men and women reported having an orgasm in less than 5 percent of their sex dreams. And although women's partners had an orgasm in 4 percent of their dreams, here's how many of the male dream reports described their partners as having an orgasm: zero.

Zadra says that fits the stereotype that many men only think of themselves during sex.

One area where men and women agree? They tend to dream of the other person taking charge. Women initiated the sexual contact in one out of every four of their dreams, but men were the initiators in only one in every 10 of their dreams.

"It's true -- whenever I have a sex dream, it's all about me," says David, 23, from Minneapolis. "I think maybe women initiate the sex because it's a fantasy, and what guy wouldn't want that?"

Gary, 32, of Troy, Mich., concurs. "My sex dreams are intense but also laid-back. It's always some anonymous girl, or sometimes more than one, and we sort of drift together -- I don't have to do much. She sort of offers herself.

"And when we start fooling around, it's kind of quiet and sneaky, so nobody will notice. Like my wife, I suppose."

Women were also almost four times more likely than men to describe at least part of the sexual activity as being unwanted. Does that mean you should get a little kinky and break out the handcuffs tonight? Not so fast, sheriff.

"For women, forced sex is a big fantasy because it's all about removing responsibility and guilt so you enjoy it," says Bakos. "I want my partner to be a little more dominant. I want to feel like he knows what he's doing and he's in control of the sex. I do like to be on top and initiate, but I want to feel like he has upper hand in dominance. I want to feel someone is taking care of me."

What Our Dreams Mean for Reality

Just because you have an erotic dream doesn't mean you should act upon it. But it could help you broach the topic.

"Sex dreams can rev up our actual sex lives," Richmond says. "If your sexual dreams inspire you to try something new or to let go of some inhibitions, it's a good way to open up a conversation with your partner, since you're talking about a dream and not requesting something of her."

How do you do that? Describe your dream to her (pick carefully what details to tell her) and ask what she thinks about it. She may just fulfill your fantasy.

April enjoyed making her dream a reality. "Before my boyfriend came to visit me after we'd been away from each other for 6 weeks, I'd had dreams about hot, passionate sex in our hotel room. And yeah, we did."

"Talking about sex dreams with your partner almost always leads to sex. And it's a good way to bring up fantasies you might feel shy talking about otherwise. You can say 'I just had the weirdest dream...but it was actually really hot.' " says Ann, 27, of New York City.

On the other hand, "I think the reason why sex dreams are so good is because you'd never do it in real life. It's that naughty," says 26-year-old Cristina from New York City.

"Once," she adds, "I dreamed that I saw him have sex with another woman. When I told him, he then asked for explicit details. I felt jealous, which is kind of ridiculous since it was a dream -- and mine, no less."

Which goes to show -- don't take dreams too seriously.

Evidence: One woman in the study had an intensely erotic dream … about a plant.

Brittany RisherBrittany Risher is a writer, editor, and digital strategist specializing in health and lifestyle content.

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