Jeff Kent, possibly my favorite baseball player of all time for all the wrong reasons, retired today. Besides being the inspiration for Ron Darlington, Kent has put together Hall of Fame numbers over his 17 year career as a second baseman, role model and possible racist-slash-homophobe.

I am not sure what caused Jeff to quit, but Jeff Kent swims upstream. Despite being a Californian by birth, he moved to Texas. Usually, people leave Texas to come to California. Not Jeff.

Jeff seems like a Harley-Davidson kind of hombre, but nope. Jeff opened up an import motorsports dealership near Houston.

Kent had a .290 career batting average, 377 homers, 1,518 RBIs and a .500 slugging percentage, all while sporting the best mustache outside of the adult film industry since Don Mattingly (also the hitting coach for the Dodgers).

I don’t love Jeff Kent for the man he is, because frankly he might be two peanuts short of being a piece of shit. I love Jeff Kent because he hit home runs, he had a bad ass attitude and was unintentionally hilarious all the time.

So goodbye Jeff Kent. Goodbye porn stache. Goodbye alienating your teammates and being a downer. You did it with style, mon ami.

I’ll send you out with some fond memories of our expedition around the world together in 2005. I know some of you must remember these.