Tag Archives: break up

Tonight, or maybe tomorrow night, is supposed to be the end of the world. What time zone does that happen in, by the way? I mean, it would already be the end of the world in Australia, right? The Mayans and the Facebook app Year-in-Review has got me to thinking. What was my year all about? If life as we know it is about to be over, how did I do this past year? Given my breakup, which you all know about (cue the sad face), there is no way that my year is not at least a little melancholy, but that aside. Here is what my year brought me.

Reconnecting with old friends: My HS reunion was this year. I helped to plan it in a small way, and I really enjoyed the planning, build up, event, and then aftermath of the event. Several of my closest friends from HS are once again my closest friends in life.

Body Changes: This year I have lost weight and fat, and gained a lot of strength, muscle and knowledge. Turns out that I love to lift! I now know about things like Green Vibrance and the difference between whey, soy, and egg white protein. My new body, still much progress to go, allows me more energy, less pain, and more confidence. So that’s cool.

Saw the World (or at least some more of it): This year I saw Rome, Pompeii, and Florence, Italy, Cannes and Marseilles, France, Barcelona and Sitges, Spain, and Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. I’m so hooked that I’ve already planned my next international trip, and there will be as many more as I can swing.

More musicals and comedians: Saw “The Book of Mormon” (raucously funny), “Wicked” (still my favorite musical), a taping of Chelsea Lately, Florence and the Machine, and Fortune Feimster several times (she is hilarious, go see her!)

On the Work front: Spearheaded my company’s participation in the Pride Parade and Festival for the third year in a row, helped to get a great score on the HRC Corporate Equality Index, made it through a round of layoffs (whew) and got all new clients at the end of the year.

Friends: I made a ton of new friends this year. I know FB does not equal real friends in and of itself, but still I added so many friends there and can think of handfuls of people that I love to spend time with – IRL. Friends, I appreciate you all so much.

Random: Tried red hair (short-lived), took a turn spinning as a DJ at Pride, swam with dolphins, remembered that I love to kayak and mountain bike.

Blog: This has been a force in my year. I started the blog just before the end of last year, but this year, wow. I’ve been picked up by the San Diego Gay & Lesbian News, Lesbian.com, reached over 500 followers on FB, and over 150 on Twitter. My blog was even featured on MyLesbianRadio.com. Wow! On WordPress, I have had more than 37,000 views! Tons of folks are following my blog, receiving emails when I post something, and tons of people comment, like the posts, and reach out to me about the blog. I am so thankful!

Recognition: For the first time in my life, I was given two different national awards. Both of them center on being an out and proud lesbian. I was overwhelmed, honored, and very proud.

This year was nothing short of life changing. In several distinct ways, 4 to be exact – that I can think of.

The international travel. It is really amazing to see the bigger picture of what life is about on this planet. To experience buildings that are older than my country. To meet people from other parts of the world who have such different, and wonderful, viewpoints. You cannot travel and not be changed – for the better – by what you see, hear, learn and experience.

My yoga retreat & adventure in Cabo San Lucas. Both were really amazing. So much so, that I didn’t talk about either on my blog. I keep my stuff basically to the funny – beer, fashion, quirks about femmes and us butches. I never reveal deep squishy stuff. On the yoga retreat I learned a lot about myself and it helped a great deal to prepare me for the rest of my year. My adventure to Cabo San Lucas was the same for me.

Becoming single. It’s been a long time since I was single, and I have been learning at light speed about myself. ‘Nuff said.

Strength. I have learned this year, through some solo travel, some difficult experiences, and lots of time in the gym that I can literally do anything. Walk down the street alone in a foreign country? Done. Renegade rows? Done. Pay for stuff in Euros? Of course. Climb the side of a mountain and then rappel 100 feet? You betcha! Come on Life, bring it. I am strong! Can you hear me roaring?

Seriously, thank you for being with me this year. For those of you that were here all year, hooray! For those of you that are new, welcome!

I really hope the Mayans are wrong. I am learning too much. Having way too much fun. I have so much more to do, see, learn, and experience for it to be the end of the world. I need time to get my game on, to try and be suave and charming, and *gulp* date. I’m not done yet! But if the Mayans are right, so be it. It was a great ride, and this year, in particular! If they are wrong, watch out!

My gorgeous fiancée is no longer my fiancée. We decided to split up about 3 months ago. Now, I am just me (and my kids, and my family, and my friends, but you get what I mean).

I am trying to take a light (but broken) hearted approach to sharing this with you. After all, I write a blog that is usually funny and light. Sometimes sarcastic, but not gut-wrenching. Y’all don’t come see me to read about how miserable I am and how hard life is, right? I get it and I like that. It’s hard to be light and funny though, when your heart is healing. Hence the long delay in sharing this with you, and honestly, fewer posts. I try to be honest in what I write about and I didn’t want to share this, so I just shared less. I am in a much better place now, so it’s a bit easier to disclose. Still, I’m afraid that I don’t have much funny to say on the topic of my healing heart.

I won’t share any of the details – except to say that we love each other a lot and are committed to being friends. So far, so good. For my tips on how to handle a yourself in times like these, see A Butch’s Guide to Remaining Sane During a Break Up. I wrote that smack in the middle of it all. Some of you may have guessed, but were too kind to ask…

So, now it’s just me. I am “single.” My goodness that word entails a lot, doesn’t it? It’s even a little scary. Will I be an outcast from my coupled-friends? Does it make me pathetic and sad? Will I have to carry around a little sign that says “Please be nice to me, I am single?” I certainly hope not. And, it has been a very long time since I was single – 22 years. Wow, that makes me feel old.

The bottom line is that my gorgeous fiancée is still gorgeous, but she is no longer my fiancée. Indeed, she is no longer “mine” – as much as anyone can ever be someone else’s. I’m still here, though. Sifting through the feelings that I have. Being reminded that life includes sadness and hurt, and that one should embrace these parts of life, learn from them, and then move through them in time.

You won’t hear any macho rhetoric from me about how tough I am, how it didn’t (and doesn’t still) hurt, how I am better off without her, or any of those feeling-denying statements. My heart and I are healing. Time being required – and whatever other slogan you can think of that is supposed to make one feel better. I felt that you needed to know because she has all but disappeared from my posts and sooner or later someone would notice and ask me.

I am a butch without a femme. Superman without Lois Lane. Batman without Robin. James Bond without whichever hot actress stars in each movie. Wow, I must think a lot of myself to compare myself to superheroes and Bond. I wish! How about, peanut butter without the jelly? Chips without the salsa? Salt without the Peppa? (What a loss that was to music.) As many of you know, she inspired many a post. I hope I can still think of funny things to write about now that it is just me…

There are lots of break ups right now. Colleagues, friends, family. It happens to everyone – even to those who think they might be pretty damn close to perfect. Lesbians, even butches, break up. And breaking up sucks. No doubt about it. But it happens. It happens in bad situations (cheating), and it happens in not-so-bad situations (new job in a new city). We’ve all been there, and probably all hope to never be there again. But, if you suddenly find yourself in a break up, maybe these tips will help – at least a little.

1. Help Each Other. If possible, and you are mature enough, work together. I can’t imagine it working if there’s an affair or any severe incident. But, if you both decide that you aren’t right together and there is plenty of love, you can actually lean on each other for comfort. Could be the dreaded LBD (Lesbian Bed Death: passion gives way to comfort, love and friendship – no more sex); or could be you’ve grown in different directions; or maybe you’ve decided you just aren’t right for each other. In all three of these circumstances there might still be lots of love. Imagine how nice it will be if you are crying and she can comfort you and vice versa. Even if you want the relationship to be over, you are still mourning the loss of something good, familiar, or comfortable. Your day-to-day life as you both know it is over, the good and the bad.

When you can be right or kind, choose to be kind. Especially now.

Communication and kindness will be key if you try to do this. “But, Butch, we didn’t communicate well during our relationship, how are we going to do that now?” Well, you may find that the pressure has been released after you’ve chosen to split. You may be able to communicate really well. Surprisingly well. Don’t confuse this as a reason to get back together. Remember here, you are trying to work together for the common goal of splitting with the least amount of damage done to each other and the most love spared. Be kind. Don’t cause any new hurt or scars. If you do that, a friendship can blossom.

You were most likely already best friends and if you pull apart suddenly like Velcro it will be excruciating and the gap left by the ripping apart (ouch!) can easily be filled with anger and resentment. Working together allows you to build a friendship going forward. Unless you actually hated each other, you’ve already got this, and with some care and kindness, you can nurture it. It will be a great comfort to you both if you pull it off. And, imagine how much easier it will be on your friends! They won’t have to take sides if the two of you remain friends. If you still like each other, you can both be at the same parties – and you don’t have to divide friends. Imagine avoiding: “I’ll take the toaster oven and Brad and Angelina, you take the computer and Barak and Michelle.”

Perhaps best listened to on repeat for now.

2. Avoid Love Songs. Duh. But, what to do if you cannot? And it is hard to avoid them. Every song is either “I love you so much I want to rip your clothes off,” or “You hurt me and now I hate you so much I want to rip your clothes off.” Then, try this: imagine that the love song is about you discovering your own special self and singing to yourself, rather than to her. Maybe create a playlist of songs that are good for you, your old favorites (i.e. Frankie Goes To Hollywood, The Time, A-Ha, KD Lang, etc.), things that are feel good for you and not connected to her, and upbeat stuff. Or, you might create an empowering playlist full of songs that are about how strong you are. Think Melissa Etheridge’s “Giant,” Fat Boy Slim’s “Because we Can,” Pink’s “Blow Me (One Last Kiss),” or David Guetta’s “Titanium.” I suggest you avoid the Indigo Girls, Tori Amos, and Sarah McLachlan. Those amazing artists might just push you over the edge right now. If you are into speed metal or country, you are on your own, but the good news is that I am sure there are lots of songs that equate to “I can make it on my own!” in those genres.

3. Write. Even if you don’t write for others, try journaling. It can really help purge the things that you are feeling. Something about a pen on paper and writing whatever comes to mind is very cathartic. Plus, there can be lots of cross outs, angry exclamation points, and underlines. So there!!!!!! It’s hard to do that on a laptop. Therapists will tell you that this is super good for you. Also, if you get stuck or you try to out think yourself, put the pen in your opposite hand and try writing that way. It will be messy, but may be more honest.

This journal is just for you, so you can be honest with yourself. Don’t write it as if it’s a brilliant monologue that you will read, or she will find, and then magically she will change her mind – or your words will fix whatever is broken. You aren’t trying to do that. You are trying to move through this. Of course, you can share some of what you learn with her if you like, but the journal should be yours alone, and not motivated by trying to sway anyone – especially yourself.

4. Yoga.Or some other fitness activity that you like. Working out is super good for you and releases positive endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. “Happy people don’t just shoot their husbands,” or so says Elle Woods of Legally Blonde.

I do yoga and Pilates, and the room is full of hotties.– Madonna

I suggest yoga, and here’s why. Yoga is amazing because you have to concentrate on your breathing while contorting your body into crazy poses – and that forces you to clear your mind. If you are trying to get your leg up over your head while putting your forehead on the floor (yes, really), you have to focus on breathing steadily and deeply and on your balance. You will have no time to think about her. I promise. If you do, you might fall over and then the pain or embarrassment of the fall will likely dominate your psyche – rather than her. Success any way you look at it.

Plus, side bonus: yoga studios are filled with limber, lithe, mostly female yogis. They frequently wear very little, or what they wear is skin-tight. There are lots of pony tails – translation, if they are lesbians, they are probably femmes, or at least sporty spice lesbians. Also, they are some of the fittest people – as a whole – that I have seen. In addition to the benefits of breathing, endorphins and clearing your head, if you start to realize that you are alright and that there is a world after her, a yoga studio can be a healthier version of a strip club (see Number 10).

One negative to yoga for me is that it is hard on the Mohawk. My favorite position – resting pose – ruins the hawk by making it all flat in the back. But, it is a small price to pay for inner peace.

5. Do Something You Like. Maybe something you have never done before. Not to spite her, because that’s immature and below you. But because it’s good for you to focus on yourself. Having a partner has tremendous upsides – no doubt, but there are also compromises in every relationship. “Baby, I’d like to learn to play the drums.” “No way in hell, it’s too loud.” Well, now’s the time! Say you’ve always wanted to juggle, learn Italian, or practice your glass throwing abilities, but you haven’t had time – or permission (yikes), then take a class at the community college. Doing something new helps you redefine yourself without her, and in a positive way. Note that if you always wanted to smoke or become a knife juggler, this is not what I have in mind. Stay away from stuff that’s bad for you.

You have to know when to tell yourself no.

6. Just Say No. That last point leads me here to drugs, smoking, alcohol (yes, even fantastically good craft beer), cheesecake, In-N-Out Burger and Ben and Jerry’s. All of these things are intoxicating, delicious, mind-altering, and alluring. Some are illegal. Whatever your poison, these things are bad for you. Except for the illegal stuff, everything in moderation, right? The problem is that when you are grieving the loss of a formerly-perfect relationship, sometimes your decision-maker (that thing that keeps you in balance) is broken. It has lost its fluxie. If you start in on any of these tempting things, you might not be able to stop. And that means excess. Excess drinking, excess smoking, excess eating, excess ice cream. Which, in turn, means excess weight and lower self-esteem. If you are like most of us, your self-esteem is probably already at an all-time low, so lowering this is not what the doctor ordered. Plus, getting fat will not help your post-break up social life.

7. Avoid Her on Facebook. This doesn’t apply if you are able to take the steps in Number 1 above, but if not, take heed. As you know, Facebook is a slightly distorted version of reality. The last thing you need is to see that she is off skydiving, having dinner with gobs of friends at hipster places, or buying a house. She may be doing those things, yes. Or she may not be. Is everyone always honest on Facebook? She may be doing those things, but only because she is so distraught over the breakup that she must keep herself busy. And, when was the last time you saw someone post on Facebook, “my girlfriend left me and I can’t get off the couch where I have sat in a puddle of my own misery in my disgusting sweatpants for three days”?

Plus, if you aren’t ready, when she starts dating again, this will just drive you over the edge. Oh, and don’t even think of signing into her account and checking things out. This is Facebook stalking and it is bad form, women. Don’t do it. You may have changed all your passwords, or not, but regardless, do not give in to this temptation. It will only lead you to hurt. Do you really want to see what she is saying about you (if anything) to her friends? I, for one, only want to hear things that people choose to tell me. Not everything is meant to be shared with everyone.

8. Don’t Purge Everything. Sure you can throw away the sex toys, that recent silly note she wrote you, or delete the voicemails on your phone, but don’t go grab your memory box and all the cards you’ve ever exchanged and throw those out. We tend to think that getting rid of everything that is “her” or “us” will make us feel better. But it won’t. And, you may regret throwing away all of those memories, all of those pictures, later. After all, it is part of your life. She is part of your history, and if you throw all of that away, it is like throwing away a piece (maybe a huge chunk) of you … of your life. A year later, when things are settled, you may wish you could see those pictures of you in the Tough Mudder run. You threw them away because she was next to you at the finish line. Now, you are screwed. Can’t recreate that, and if it’s anything like what I have heard, you don’t want to do it again. What if she was by your side when you graduated from college, got your first car, traveled the world, or brought home your favorite puppy? There are other parts of your life together that you might want to sift from the rubble. You won’t be able to do that if you light it all on fire in a trash can – tempting as it may be.

9. Skip Big Changes. This is related to number 8. Do this at least for a while. If you are distraught, it is not the time to quit your job, move into a new place (unless you have to), get a tattoo or piercing, chop off all your hair, or decide to move to a new city. None of those things will assuage the pain you feel, and they will just add to your stress level – or create a possibility for regret. I really liked my hair, why did I do that? A giant Minnie Mouse tattoo, what was I thinking? You may think that a new city will be a fresh start for you – no memories of the two of you together, and you may be right. But, that new city will be there in a month or two when things have calmed down for you. Change is good, yes, but you are already going through lots of change. No need to pile on.

Bottom line is to make sure that you are not running away from her – from the house, the job, the look, the friends that you had with her. If you have something to run to, I suppose that is different. In other words, I am not saying to turn down some cool opportunity just because you are struggling through a break up. What I am talking about here is the desperate search for change thinking it will make you feel better. Odds are that it won’t and the fact that it didn’t might make you feel even worse.

10. Strip Club.Have your friends take you out. Maybe a strip club isn’t for you (why not?) and if that’s the case, have them take you out somewhere else. Reach out to your friends. Your family – not for the strip club, mind you. But you need to have some fun, get off of your couch, and eventually get out of those sweatpants.

Use your imagination to embellish. I try to keep my posts and pics safe for work.

If you do go to a strip club (good for you!) or a bar, take heed of the other pointers here, and don’t get smashed. You’ll end up doing something stupid (why do I have this g-string in my pocket?) and regretting it, or you will end up at home on the floor of your bathroom crying like a baby about how she would never have let you do this to yourself. All things in moderation. Oh, and if you haven’t been to a strip club before, bring lots of singles and sit in the front. I am available to act as your guide if needed.

11. Butch Down. This is the opposite of butching up – toughening up and handling something. That doesn’t work in this situation. It’s not a broken window, a tire that needs changing, a door that needs opening, a spider to kill, or birthdays to be remembered. It’s your heart and you should treat that gently – no matter how butch you are. Cry. Scream. Pout. Whatever. Your emotions are right for you. If you are so butch that you don’t want to show anyone this side of you, then do it alone. But, it sure would be good if you could let at least one friend in. It takes a very strong person to show weakness. Are you butch enough to let people know that you aren’t made of stone?

Breaking up sucks. No matter what you do, it’s going to suck. Nothing but time and moving forward will help to take the pain away. But, maybe, just maybe, a few of these pointers will make it suck a little less.

Hey.

I see the world in a particular way. This blog is about how I see the world, both the good stuff (like beer) and the bad stuff (like idiots), but hopefully always funny. Leave a comment or drop me an email if you want me to hear how you see the world.

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