The Journey to the Woman I am Today....To include, the Beautiful, the Ugly & the Rest of It. (Part I)

Updated on February 7, 2016

I am Loved | Source

Look out world, she has arrived.

At 6:28 p.m, on a Saturday evening in April of the year 1948, a second daughter was born to 26 year old Italian beauty, Rose Mary and her dashing 32 year old,\Ukranian husband, Edward Stephen ("Eddie"). Having been prepared with both a boy's name as well as a girl's, they graced me with "Paula Mary," to honor both grandmothers. My Dad was fond of saying I was a 7 lb 6 oz cutie, with a pair of lungs like a hungry lioness. I am sure he was not joking.

Anxiously awaiting to meet her baby sister, my 5 year old sister, Patricia was in the care of our maternal Grandmother. Of course, I remember none of this nor much of anything else until much later, but I have always somehow known I was welcomed and loved to pieces.

I have no idea at what age my memory retention kicked in. Most of my early childhood is bits and pieces, like a series of short movie trailers. I know in retrospect that around age 3, my parents bought a home in my mother's hometown and we left the city to settle 40 miles southwest, into a big house in a lovely, peaceful neighborhood.

This home, nestled in the valley of a quaint, friendly village of western New York, would be my sister's and my forever residence until our moment of departure into the world of independence.

Mr. & Mrs. Till death do us part | Source

Mom & Dad.....as I knew them

Have you ever realized that of all of the people in your life, if asked to describe the person you are, each one of them would have their own unique and quite different description to offer? If you've never thought about this, you'll be amused and amazed to become aware of this mysterious fact. Each individual sees you through their own eyes, with an independent opinion, stemming from their own experiences and relationship with you through the years. This is very true even with our children and the people closest to us.

In time, my sister and I would become each other's best friend. For as many similarities we shared, there were that many differences as well. Through the years of interaction and discussion, we came to realize that each of us held vastly different concepts of our parents. I find this a fascinating curiosity, but a reality, nonetheless.

Being that I simply don't have a huge trunk-full of childhood memories of any significant value or extraordinary content, I can comfortably tell you, my family, our life and the daily activities, were that of your normal, average run-of-the-mill-kind of typical American families in the 50's & 60's. However, I should make it clear, we were not the Cleavers nor the Nelsons......but then, who was?

Had I not studied in depth for years, the intricacies and complexities of the human mind.......had I not delved with all my might into knowledge and comprehension of the psychology that drives and directs, as well as distinguishes Homo Sapiens from the balance of all life forms....I question that I'd believe in the indisputable facts that explain for us why we are who we are.

Please be clear that I mean who we are at our very core, in the deepest niche of our being. I do not mean to suggest an explanation for why we think, behave or speak, in the broadest sense, throughout our every day existence. This latter being our personality.

To further justify my intent, please accept for instance, that severe trauma suffered in childhood, does, in a real and biological manner, change us and/or alter our thought process and can effect our emotional/mental developmental process.

It does not at all times, for every traumatized individual, cause disastrously negative results. There are multiple aspects to consider, to include our DNA, environment/upbringing, nurturing or lack thereof, as well as countless other aspects of our humanness that must be addressed and analyzed in detail.

Hundreds of B&W snap shots told me things I didn't remember.

The V.A. Hospital. A frighteningly massive and haunting monster, to a child.

The Blue Plaid Robe in my head.

Back to the little girl of my story

Most of us, as far as I can see, have to rely on what we're told about our very early years. Our parents in particular, are our source of information, although extended family and close friends of Mom and Dad can reconfirm the tales we hear.

Boxes and boxes of black and white snap shots that I loved to look at over and over again, tell me wonderful, happy stories that I have not a single recollection of being a part of. Oh, the pictures tell me I was there, in that room with my sister, doing whatever we might have been doing but I may as well have been looking at pictures in a magazine.

It could not have been very long at all after moving into our forever home, that our Dad was hospitalized at the Veteran's Hospital, located in the city we'd just moved from, 40 miles away. He was there for a lengthy stay....as in months and months.

This is where and when, a small section of myself was created and evidently, etched in stone.

I do not remember being thrilled and excited to be on my way to see my Daddy (although in later years, I learned that I cried myself to sleep nightly, missing him so pitifully.) I don't recall the ride in the old Ford with my Mom and her older brother, Sam...my Uncle and Godfather. I don't remember giggling and jumping for joy to see my Daddy's face, nor leaping into his lap to hug and kiss him and ask him over and over when he was coming home. In simple terms, I don't recall any of these warm, happy feelings, on that day, that realistically, I surely would have experienced.

What was firmly and cruelly planted within my delicate, young psyche, some sixty years ago, was my first experience with pure panic and terror. And it is this beast of childhood horror that returned to haunt me.

At whatever age it was that this experience began to creep into my conscience and begin to stalk me, is unclear. I only know that it began to occur repeatedly, in the identical manner each and every time. Like a snippet of a motion picture, I am sitting on a wooden park-type bench, with my father, mother and Uncle. Quickly, the scene becomes my father standing, hands in the pockets of his blue plaid robe, smiling as he looked down at me and said, "Good-Bye." The visit was over and he began to walk away from me.

In that instant as I felt my little heart sink, I jumped from the bench and began to scream in absolute hysterics, running after him, pleading, "No, Daddy!.. don't go, no, no, come back Daddy!! Please, Daddy, come home with me."

My frenzy escalated, and my mother scooped me up, my Uncle by her side. My panic increased and my screams became blood-curdling as I kicked and squirmed to free myself from my mother's arms. I remember as she handed me, screaming and kicking, to my Uncle, lashing out at him, hitting his face, even trying to bite him, like a crazed wild animal in the jaws of a trap.

As I stiffened my body and wrenched my neck, I looked toward the hospital where my Dad had reached the entrance door. The final vision within this horror of mine, was that of my Dad, turning slightly toward us and waving, his other hand still in his pocket.

He was gone from sight, and waves of nausea consumed me. Just a tiny and fragile tot, my Uncle sat holding me tightly with both of his arms... rocking me back and forth, trying to comfort me....to console me.

I cannot forget the surge of utter panic and helplessness..... of being so firmly restrained while aching with a desperate need to be free, to run after my Daddy.

These few minutes of utter trauma has not only remained with me, within me, for sixty years, but imbedded itself firmly into my core. I am somewhat comforted now, as I understand the switch that when flipped, never fails to retrieve every pang of shattering emotions in a child, not quite 4 years old and the violent reflex I must still try to squelch, today.

Stunning Peace and Tranquility

Childhood Trauma: EXCELLENT video

An Instant in Time, Can Ripple into Eternity

I've stunned myself with the realization that for the first time ever, these words are in print before my eyes. A scenario from so long ago that has lived within my mind, secretly hidden in dark and empty corners. I've relived it and vocalized it in a private moment or two, but this? Now, as I read the words before me, I can no longer keep it locked away in darkness.

Come walk with me through the light. Learn with me, as I share a distance of footprints. Footprints imprinted on a small part of the foundation of what has been my life thus far......a part of who I am.

Do not be surprised if you capture a familiar glimpse of yourself along the way. I will hold your hand. This is the gift I choose to share in order that those who walk along, might understand so much more of who they are.....and the evolution of it all. When you recognize yourself, be glad and be strong. As we share the footprints of this journey, you will begin to embrace more and more of your own revelations.

I firmly believe we have the capacity & desire to reach the coveted place of resolve and peace within. It seems to me, each of us needs to search deep within to find this. Begin today.

Comments 96 comments

Thank you Jodah.....Glad you found this oldie! This was really quite difficult for me to write..........P.

Jodah 3 months ago from Queensland Australia

Hi Paula, I saw this in my feed and thought it was a new hub by you, now I see it is four years old so I am rather late reading and replying. I guess you have already written more parts also that I have to catch up on. Thank you for sharing your story, that always talk outage to open yourself up like that especially online. I enjoyed reading this.

To both of you~~ I never believed I would ever even begin to attempt my story. I spent a lifetime keeping it all within and using all my strength to heal myself. Every time I thought, "OK, I'm making progress...." another wall was built before my eyes.

Giving up has never been an option to me. Never. We give up, we die a slow and painful demise.

As we all learn eventually, it's the baby steps that keep us going. One foot in front of the other, one day, one moment at a time.

The most important ingredient is love.....love from family, friends and we must never forget to love ourselves.

Have a wonderful week-end ladies! Peace, Paula

Shyron E Shenko 3 months ago

Paula, thank you for sharing you life with your fans and followers, I am both. Yes I see some of me in the first part, and I thought of a saying (I remember sayings/quotes more than anything else) "We are who we are, because of who they were." and in this part, I see your daddy as pure love.

Blessings always my friend.

Jo_Goldsmith11 3 months ago

oh my gosh! A sweet baby doll. I love the earliest picture of you. This is so amazing how you feel comfortable to share your story. What a wonderful creative task to complete. And you are placing the seeds for so many (myself) included to know it's okay to share our stories and be so real about the moments that stay with us forever. Blessings!!

five stars *****

fpherj48 7 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Yes, you saw the word, "haunt" within my story....and haunt is the only description that can be used. Childhood trauma of a particular degree not only can shape us, but depending on each individual, it can change the very core of our being. Thanks for reading Shannon. This was a very intimate and difficult series for me to write.

shanmarie 7 months ago from Texas

I think my earliest memory is from about that age as well. I described it in my To Be Or Not to Be Oneself hub, but it is rather humorous now even though it wasn't at the time. I definitely believe trauma like the kind you describe can stay with someone enough to shape that person later. It's the emotions that are so powerful. Some adult traumas are the same way. I don't have too many negative early childhood memories, but teen years and the last decade or so, I understand what you mean by those things shaping you even if you are a happy person by nature.

By the way, I think it might be your use of the word 'haunt' that had people thinking you're describing a nightmare-type thing. Did I see that word somewhere? Maybe I should just take my own advice and go to bed. Too bad you interested me in reading more. LOL

That house is a photo I found that came the very closest to the home in which my sister and I grew up and my mother lived in, to her death. Our home was delightful..both exterior & interior.....with all the usual B.S. thrown in here and there. No one escapes that.....even the fools who lie through their teeth.

DJ Anderson 2 years ago

Paula, I must ask if the photo of the house is the home where you grew up? It looks like a perfectly delightful home.

You write with excellent recall of your youth. You speak of the trauma

of leaving your dad at the hospital. How your little heart must have hurt to leave your Dad behind. I feared that he had died until I read more of your story.

Good job, here, Paula.

DJ.

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Anita.....I thank you for visiting my site and for your comment.....You're words ring true for each and every one of us, throughout our lifetime. It is our personal journey that creates who we ultimately become.....Peace, Paula

Anita Saran 2 years ago from Bangalore, India

Thank you for sharing your life with us Paula. Very well written too. All of us must bear our crosses.

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Ruby &

Vicki

I see I can thank our Maria for something more. I'm happy you came to visit. More importantly, Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I am grateful always when readers find a personal message in my work. Bless you and Peace...Paula

Vickiw 2 years ago

I found you also after the ceremonial handing of the baton from Mareer. This is a wonderfully written account of the way child trauma affects our lives for the rest of our lives.

It is really powerful, from the heart, and I hope it helped you as you relived it in your writing.

I'm sure many of us connected with it. I know I did. Many thanks, and I look forward to visiting more of your work.

always exploring 2 years ago from Southern Illinois

If it were not for Mar giving the baton over to you, i wouldn't have known you. I read this piece and could relate. Childhood events do live with us throughout life, good or bad. I felt your emotions through your words, and i loved reading your story. Thank you. Looking forward to your story on strength..

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Awwww, GF. It's official....There simply are not enough "Stars" on earth like you!! You are truly "SUNSHINE".......Love you, The Effer

Sunshine625 2 years ago from Orlando, FL

Stopping by to revisit...just in case I have't told you lately, you are an amazing storyteller and friend...etc...etc...etc... :)

fpherj48 2 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

and you, my sweet lady are simply awesome! Peace & love

Ruchira 2 years ago from United States

Revisiting this page and makes me wanna comment...

you are a brave soul, my friend!

Praying for you to overcome any obstacles in this lifetime...hugs!!!

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

FreezeFrame....Well, aren't you the sweet one? I thank you for the compliment. This 4-part series was written approx a yr and a half ago, when I was a Hub-Yung-un. I was pleasantly surprised with the positive response, at the time and still am.

So, from the shores of Lake Erie to Charleston, NC? Many Yankees go south...or at least to warmer climates. I have one son in California and one in Georgia. The other 2 are loyal to our area and firmly planted.

My long and interesting history with U-Haul, has taken me to New Jersey, Ohio, Pennsylvania....&.away from here, entirely....to Europe.

Between each move, I returned "HOME." Reason? One day, it hit me like a ton of bricks.......Because, it's "HOME.".....:) I appreciate your visit!

FreezeFrame34 3 years ago from Charleston SC

Can't wait to read the next one.....You have a way with words and you've turned a tramatic story into a work of art. It's truly touching

Sidenote, I grew up in the North, and my family used to always vacation on the shore of Lake Erie. Many vivid memories there. Take care and keep on writing!

gmwilliams 3 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

fpherj48, you are quite welcome indeed. I am well thank you. I am hubbing after a long rest. God bless you and keep writing those insighfully and upliftingly beautiful hubs. You are one of the reasons I love HubPages. It is the best writing community there is.

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

gm......Thank you for your kind words. I hope you are well, as you live & love in The Big Apple.

gmwilliams 3 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

fpherj48, this is a great biography. You should write a memoir. It is fascinating. I have to continue to read the rest when I am rested. Such a warm,beautiful story.

fpherj48 3 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Journey......How sweet you are...........Thank you. Peace...

Journey * 3 years ago from USA

Hi fpherj48, part 1 has been gripping. I have read it from start to finish and thank you for so generously sharing this.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Jools...I am walking on air from your generous and sweet comment!!

Jools99 4 years ago from North-East UK

Paula, you write so beautifully; your prose is perfectly formed even when you are telling this clearly traumatic story from your childhood but the steadiness of every word is what gives this such power - I found this very moving, though I have no parallel event in my own life with which to compare it. It is something etched in your deepest memories and will be like that forever, awful but I am 'glad' you shared it. I am off to read part 2 now.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Mr. Happy.....You asked about my reference to the Cleavers and the Nelsons.....Two families from very famous and popular TV series of the '50's/'60's....."Leave it to Beaver" about the Cleaver Family (Ward, June, Wally and The Beaver (Theodore)] and The Nelsons were, "Ozzie & Harriet" and sons David and Ricky.......Both model, families with few problems of any type and certainly nothing that couldn't be solved to work out well.

Mr. Happy 4 years ago from Toronto, Canada

"Have you ever realized that of all of the people in your life, if asked to describe the person you are, each one of them would have their own unique and quite different description to offer?" - Yes, very true. That is why I have almost an endless array of nicknames. People build their own perspectives of who I am and so, I let people make-up their own names for me too. Why not? Since people will make-up an idea about who I am, might just well give me a label too ... Haha!!

"However, I should make it clear, we were not the Cleavers nor the Nelsons" - Just out of curiosity, what does this statement mean?

Very interesting read. Off to part two!

Cheers. : )

FreezeFrame34 4 years ago from Charleston SC

Wow! I'm glad you could share your experience with others so they too can relate and they can be motivated that things will get better in the end!

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Hello Maria......I'm pleased to see you were drawn to my Journey. You have chills.....my sister and I always called it "goosebumps..lol.......and I have them right now. The similarities in our lives is becoming uncanny.....in a good way. You are quite "the woman" to admire as well, my friend.......Smile,,,,,,,,they say it can only get better. and we need to believe that.

marcoujor 4 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Dear Paula,

I was guided here by the beautiful and supportive comment you left on michaelf's hub.

I have the chills at yet another similarity. I was drawn to psychiatric nursing as my Dad had been in and out of the VA Center through my adolescence for depression, probably undiagnosed PTSD.

I will be accompanying you as I learn more of your journey, as I really love the woman you are today. Hugs, Maria

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

I fully intend to read your hubs....looking forward.......btw...it is equally good and awful living "anywhere," eh? Going back to the barn. Time for milking!! lol

bac2basics 4 years ago from Spain

Hi Effer...living in Spain has been good and bloody awful in equal measure. If you check out some of my hubs, you will realise why. Thank you so much for your very kind words and understanding. Oh and for laughing at my typo too..or should I say Moo.. LOL

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

bac2basics.......No apology necessary for the typo. It happens. Actually, it's rather funny.......but if I was a fat cow, I wouldn't be laughing......

I certainly found nothing funny about your heart-wrenching story. You have moved me to tears......I do know that years ago, children were kept "in the dark," about most things. What a tragic mistake that was. Fortunately, adults have been enlightened on this topic.

I can't express how very sorry I am that this happened to you and your twin at such a tender age. Only a very strong and mature individual could handle such an emotional loss with little consequence. Children are not equipped for this and the results can be so life-long-damaging. You have my understanding and compassion.

I am very pleased you chose to visit.....and I hope we will share thoughts from this point, on........Living in Spain must be absolutely fabulous!!!!

bac2basics 4 years ago from Spain

PS....Effer...I tried to change the mispelling of your name, but it doesn´t seem to have worked...so sorry for calling you heffer not effer..I didn´t mean to refer to you as a cow !!! so sorry...put it down to the lateness of the hour and a touch of dementia LOL, and forgive me please. night night.

bac2basics 4 years ago from Spain

Hi Heffer. I keep seeing comments of yours on other hubbers hubs, but until now haven´t got round to checking you out. It´s too hot to sleep tonight here in Spain , so thought I would just get up and see what´s in my inbox. Saw another comment from you and here I am reading part one of your life story. Reading about your dad in hospital hit me like a sledge hammer in the gut. I don´t know where your story goes from here, but I know exactly where you are coming from because my Mam was admitted to hospital when I and my twin were only 6 years old, and she never came home. We were allowed to go and see her once. In those days it was forbidden for children to visit cancer hospitals because of the risk of radiation, but as she was terminal with not very long left, and probably making such a fuss about wanting to see her babies, we were allowed to visit. In those days things weren´t explained to kids, and we weren´t told when she died, given any idea that it was going to happen, didn´t even know about the funeral, or where she was buried. The truth of it all came out later when I was making a fuss about wanting my mam to come home, and one of my brothers blurted out that she wasn´t ever coming home because she was dead. Hysterical doesn´t even begin to cover my reaction to this news, and I know I had a breakdown and was ill and put to bed. I know I carried this trauma hidden deep inside me for years and years and years and never really got over the loss of my mam, until I lost my husband to cancer 8 years ago.I am going to read the rest of the parts of your life story, but not tonight. Like you, Heffer, I think this is the first time I have ever written down just how much I missed having a mam, and the effect it had on me. Keep well my dear...and I will be making more comments to you soon. Night night for now. Anne x

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Docmo......as a mother, reading of the memory that made you so sad, this breaks my heart......not only for the little 4 year old boy, but also for your Mom. Because I am sure, as much as she loved you, it was not her intention to hurt you. Not realizing at that moment, that she reacted poorly....and without forethought.

As the child, who remembers her specific trauma......I fully relate to and understand the depth of the hurt you still carry.

As phenominal as it seems....it is quite real. I am so grateful to you for sharing this with me. I feel honored.

Docmo 4 years ago from UK

I so relate to this hub. I've always had vivid memory of key events. And why they stay so fresh in the memory is somethign I refelct often. You have really given us a beautifully visual 'memory walk' through your child hood and I can't wait to read more.

On the subject of your dad I have a very similar memory. I have a very vivid memory of my mom coming back from hospital after giving birth to my brother. She had an extended stay due to some problems. I remember going to her ( I hadnt seen her for 2 years as I lived with my grandma as I had started school locally and my Dad had a transfer so my mom went with him- she became pregnant while away and came back after delivery) I still remember the faint hospital smell, the robe she was wearing and the way she acknowledge me briefly but went back to nursing the new baby. As I clung to her, she said she was tired and would I go and play. IT must have really, really upset my 4 year old self. I can never forget that.

But It is not that I have any nightmares about it. Just a very vivid, emotive memory that is indelible. So I can really relate to that. Can't wait to read more.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

boomer.......You certainly don't need to worry about me "not believing you." The experience you relate, is not unlike my own at the same age....in terms of the fear, panic and trauma. I have learned through aggresive therapy (YES, therapists seek therapy too!, lol) that the memory of "specific" items, (color, shape,etc) and environment, (sights, sounds, smells) are proof positive that the incident was powerfully traumatic, as the sensory system is released at full power.... you mentioned color, sights, sounds, light......these are profound memories for such a young child.....as it is with my memory of the wooden park bench, my Dad's robe and his hands in his pockets......small children cannot create these things....from nothing.....they can however recall them in detail.......Peace.

TheLastBabyBoomer 4 years ago from Surprise Arizona

Dear Paula,

This is so powerful and compelling. I can hardly wait to read all of the rest. You brought me right back to my very first “real” memory as a child. I was not even 3 years old yet I can vividly remember being held down on an examining table by a doctor and two nurses after an automobile accident. I don’t remember the pain, but I do remember being scared and helpless watching my mother being led off into another room (injured herself) while I was being stitched up. I had little or no vocabulary and could not put into words what I wanted; all I could do was squirm and scream as they held me still for the needle and thread. I remember the heat of the bright blinding light over the table, the red cloth to my face, and the doctor wearing a white coat and a light on his forehead. People generally do not believe that I can remember that, but my details are unexplainable, and true. I have really never thought about how this experience shaped me, although I have worn the scar on my face ever since that night. Hmmm, I feel a new hub coming on.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Mekensie......I appreciate your visit and your thoughtful comment. If you intend to read II III and IV of my series, I believe your quesyions will be answered.......there is an additional link below Part IV as well

I look forward to reading all of your hubs as soon as I am able. Thank you again.

Mekenzie 4 years ago from Michigan

fpherj, isn't it interest how the pains of childhood find their way into adulthood? Surely you experienced huge abandonment issues. Though you were not actually abandoned, your father was ill and it could not be helped, at such a young age you had to have felt he abandoned you.

Did your father come home after being released? Perhaps you will share that in your writing.

It helps to write out our pain and to face it and work through it. If you look at some of my earlier hubs you will find a ton of pain in my childhood too.

Thanks for your honest sharing. May God Bless and Keep you close to His heart!

Mekenzie

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Been so long since you've been around my site....like a long lost friend! Glad to see you.....the welcome mat is always out for you, Coge!

Cogerson 4 years ago from Virginia

A sad but wonderfully written part one of your journey. I greatly appreciate you sharing your history with your hub page community. Voted up and awesome and on to part 2.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Susan...First, I want to say that my heart feels a sadness for you, losing your Mom at such a young age. The most difficult of all losses are those of parents and children....certainly both ways. I can say from what little communication I have had with you and reading your fabulous hubs (that tell us so much about one another)....Your Mom is enormously proud of you.

Yes, actually, I have published all 4 parts and there is an extra hub link at the bottom of Part IV, should my readers care to read that one as well.

It has been very cathartic ...with a mixture of several other emotions as I'm sure you would suppose.

I'd never put any of this down in writing before.

Besides all the other great things that HP is......seems it is also a place where miracles can happen.

Just Ask Susan 4 years ago from Ontario, Canada

I can so relate to your story. I have vivid memories of my mother who I lost at 3 years old to cancer. I hold on dearly to those memories. They are not in the same context as what you have but they are real.

I see you have a few parts of this written already and I look forward to reading them all.

I'm sure it feels good for you to get this all written out. You're a very talented writer as I was holding onto every word you wrote.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Vanaya....I feel as you do, that it is always interesting to get to know our fellow-authors so much more closely. Thank you for your visit. Nice to see you!

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Nell....It is apparent that you truly understand what I tried to convey. This is comforting to me at this time. I often wondered why I had such a need to share this,,...to talk with someone. I kept telling myself it wasn't important and most people simply would not understand.

But it IS important and people DO understand. Thanks, Nell

Vinaya Ghimire 4 years ago from Nepal

The autobiographical narrative is wonderfully written. It is great to know the person behind so many interesting hubs.

Nell Rose 4 years ago from England

Hi, I do totally understand what you meant about that one particular incident being kept in your mind. Probably because I have a similar memory locked in mine, playing over and over still. I always call it the car crash syndrome. we have the crash, break an arm so to speak and it mends, but just because it gets mended doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt. In this case mentally, it is like a picture that is stuck in time, doesn't matter whether everything was fine afterwards, it still replays. I also understand what you mean about how people see us. When I call into work where I used to work I should say, they always see me as the laughing acting silly person that used to make them laugh, even if I am trying to be serious, and the funny thing is I tend to change into that person when I get there! I will be back to read your next installments, nell

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Yes!! and btw...."aries women" get along with one another famously...which is not the case for all signs!!

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa

I thought you were Aries. So am I on the 15th. Now there, now we know why I see so much of myself in you :))

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Ruchira...It is because of meeting, wonderful and compassionate people like yourself, that we can feel free and safe to share such personal and haunting memories. I am grateful for your understanding.

Ruchira 4 years ago from United States

Hi Paula,

Such a beautiful story going down memory lane...You must be feeling so overpowered with incidents refreshed. Although, it was heart wrenching to read about your dad being in the hospital for months and how you and your family tackled it...I am sure writing it and revisiting those memories makes one accept the terms that were laid out to us. I like the logistics of leaving your footprints behind...such a beautiful message conveyed.

Bless you, my friend. While I hop on to the part II of your story.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

thoughtforce....exactly what you have said, about how incomprehensible for a young child.....this is what pushed me forward to remember and understand this trauma....for it was fighting so, to surface. How else could a child so young, remember such detail....as the building, the bench, my Dad's robe..."his hands in his pockets"....the wave "Good-Bye" from a distance and my sheer and utter panic.

There was not a shred of doubt for me, that this occured and literally struck me as lightening would...at the time.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Pamela...your friend who went through childhood trauma has learned well...and what she tells you is true and accurate. The human mind is an incredibly intricate piece of equipment.....and one that will never be 100% fully understood....but we keep hammering away at exposing it's layers.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Vee....Yes, my friend, it is very interesting how the circumstances and events we experience as children and throughout our life, take shape and form the person we are, whether we're aware or not....it is happening within us....and it stays and stays...forever.

thougtforce 4 years ago from Sweden

This is a very intense and colorful story about your memory and it is easy to relate to the feeling you had back then. I can not help but wonder how experiences as these affect us and how we interpret them and make them understandable for us afterwards. It must have been so incomprehensible to a young child. This is wonderful hub, voted up, up and sharing

Tina

Pamela Kinnaird W 4 years ago from Maui and Arizona

I felt very touched by your story and I see the good selection of books you have chosen to recommend. I haven't read any of them, but I do have a relative who had a very traumatic childhood. She explained to me when she was in counselling that our 'inner child' is always very close to the surface of our consciousness, but we don't recognize our inner child until some little thing causes our memory to bring out those feelings we once knew. It can be something only mildly similar that triggers memories and feelings to well up.

Great hub. I look forward to Part II.

Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

Oh, my goodness. You told that so vividly that I got chills! Interesting how certain things stay with us, haunting us, but they make us who we are. I'll see you in Part 2! many votes and sharing. Beautiful hub.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Tending to "remember the good things," is a fantastic gift....you are very lucky to have this priviledge,,,,

Sometimes it may be looked at as bravery....other times, it's sheer survival. Thank you, Made

Made 4 years ago from Finland

What you have written in this hub makes me think of my own childhood. I just tend to remember the good things, but if I start digging I might find something I don't want to find. It's very brave of you to write your thoughts down and share it with us.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Pamela....I am always glad to see you stop by with your stunning wisdom. I will tell you that my own personal experience with carrying a personal trauma for years, has opened my mind to the understanding of the realities of what so many of us go through.

When I learn of women who deal with recalling and coming to terms with child abuse that may have been lurking in the shadows for many years, I can relate and understand immediately, with no need to doubt their revelations.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful input. I am grateful

Pamela99 4 years ago from United States

This is such a touching story that I wanted to hug and soothe that small girl also. At 3 1/2, we don't understand too many things except basic emotions. You obviously loved your dad dearly and the pain of that traumatic experience has always been hidden inside of you. I hope putting it down on paper will help you release that pain. There is something quite freeing about telling our deepest secrets and it is not always easy. I have heard the phrase, "We are only as sick as the secrets we keep." I think there is some truth in that.

You are really a very good writer and express your emotions so well. I'm glad you wrote this hub.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Martie....It's always a pleasure to see your happy face. I believe, if we are allowed to look closely enough, we all can easily see ourselves in one another. We must first peel back our own layers, to expose the very core of our being....it then becomes crystal clear that we live not only within ourselves....but in one another, as well. I am an Aries.

MartieCoetser 4 years ago from South Africa

Well-written, engrossing, heart-touching. I know that feelings, though mine were not triggered by the same reality as yours, fpherj.

I see much too much of myself in you!

Were you born first or second half of April?

And I also know what you're going through pulling these memories up...

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Well sandra.....I spent a couple of decades searching for the answers and the cure....and embarked on the healing path about 15 years ago.

The one and only reason I can do this at all or share anything is because I worked fearlessly and tirelessly to be where I am today (thus, my Title)....

This whole big picture is how and why I have been able to help so many hundreds of survivors, through the years...and why I studied so long & hard.

There's more.... More than you can imagine...so I do hope you'll read each istallment...thank you!

sandrabusby 4 years ago from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, USA

What a good idea for healing and for hubbing. As we write our "stories," they morph and we along with them. Looking forward to the next installment.

PurvisBobbi44 4 years ago from Florida

And a wonderful summer to you and yours.

Bobbi

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Hey Happy!....Wow...thank you for all the wonderful adjectives. I have no doubt, you and many others can relate in some way to my story.

It's a fact of life that we all have memories of experiences and events that leave a strong impression upon our psyche.....of all different kinds and degrees.

We humans are so very complex......Peace to you!

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Bobbi....Good to see you! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story.....for your understanding and compassion.

I have never had a doubt that my mother did everything imagineable to console me that day. Funny you would say you wish you could have consoled that little girl.....when I had the recurring memory....I actually felt that that girl was a separate person from myself and I would want to console her too. Strange.

I wish you a wonderful summer, my friend...

Happyboomernurse 4 years ago from South Carolina

Powerful. Breathtaking. Gut wrenching. Brave. Hopeful. A path into the light....I had all these swirling reactions as I read this moving first chapter of your memoir and could most definitely relate.

Voted up across the board except for funny. Am looking forward to Chapter II.

PurvisBobbi44 4 years ago from Florida

fpherj48,

It takes a brave spirit to reach into the abyss of one’s childhood traumas, where it waits buried to be brought into the light. And sometimes although one brings the pain into the brightest to be examined and viewed by others it is still painful as the memory brings tears of the past to the surface.

Maybe I will be as brave as you one day and draw my pain into the light.

I wish I could console that little girl---but I hope she realized her parents probably did their best in making her understand---but she could not hear it at the moment.

You have a great rest of the week, many blessings and good wishing coming your way.

Your Hub Friend,

Bobbi

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Marcy...always good to see your smiling face and read your wise and wonderful comments. I appreciate your visits.....journaling can be a saving grace...

Marcy Goodfleisch 4 years ago from Planet Earth

Thanks for this beautiful hub - and for the reminder that journaling can help us retain memories and also help us understand our experiences more fully. Voted up and up!

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Tammy....I am flattered and grateful for your positive comment. We are all much more complex individuals than what appears as our outer shell, aren't we?

The ability to open up....analyze and share with one another is a wonderful thing.

And what's realistic is, we have many similarities under our shell. We are made of layers and layers of life's experiences.

Thank you for reading. I'm working on Part II....but this "sort" of hub takes time and alot of thought and strength. I'll bet you can understand this. Peace

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Jaye, my wise friend.....you gave me goosebumps as I read your words. Gosh, seems all one has to do is "open" the door to a topic of conversation and it's as though that door was a Flood Gate.....I know I have very much appreciated the opportunity to open up and discuss/analyze so much of the issues that lay dormant within us......unless and until jolted to the surface.

Always happy to hear from you. Thanks, Jaye

tammyswallow 4 years ago from North Carolina

You have a very powerful and compelling way with words that draw me in as a reader. When I was young my father worked away a lot and I remember feeling like a part of me was missing as well. It is interesting to learn about others and I look forward to your next installments. Fabulous hub!

JayeWisdom 4 years ago from Deep South, USA

You are so right, Paula, that childhood experiences and memories shape the individuals we become. What might not be traumatic to one child may be extremely so to another...depending on those variables you mentioned. These memories may lie deeply within our subconscious minds unless (or, until) we coax them out into the light of day to examine and learn from them.

My father shipped out to fight in WWII shortly before I was born and did not return home until I was three years old, so my first meeting with him created a vivid memory that is still with me. I was so frightened of the tall dark-haired man who lifted me high into the air that I ran outdoors and hid. He had no prior experience with small children, nor did he have a "natural" paternal instinct, and that first meeting (sadly) was a harbinger of the relationship my father and I would have thereafter. (See...you're making this reader look into her own life as you are doing with yours.)

I look forward eagerly to your next installment.

Jaye

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Bill....The reality is, I "feel" like I can't explain how I'm feeling....just yet.

I don't know if my goal is in removing a thorn.....

Well now, aren't I an uninteresting blob of empty-headedness?? Don't how I'm feeling...don't know what my goal is.

I know I appreciate your comment. Thanks

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Well my dear, how do you feel now? Part 1 is history...what are the effects of ink to paper?

It really is fascinating, isn't it, the effects of childhood trauma...like a thorn stuck in the bottom of our foot that we simply can't remove and each step drives it further into the foot.

You hopefully just took step one in the process of removing a major thorn. I hope so.

Well done; nothing smart ass out of me on this one...well done.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Do I hear the comforting voice of a sweet man named, Dexter? Thank you for coming by when I need all the support I can get.

This is not easy, as you have imagined....and I like to "believe," I'm a strong person. Perhaps in some way, I'm doing this to prove to myself that I AM truly strong and resilient.

Major IMPACT? You have no idea, Dex....but as I continue my tale....you will. You are a special person...and that comes from my heart.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

pagesvoice....Hello, so very nice to meet you and thank you for visiting. I'm sure I needn't tell you that I can see into your Mother's heart.....the events of our childhood, have the potential to be mental/emotional Tattoos....that simply cannot be erased, but take shape, intertwining themselves throughout our life.

Linda Sue... I do know of your impatience....lol....and you, unfortunately, know I am reticent and deliberate...oh my, what a mis-matched pair we are!!

I also know you can relate to the experience of past trauma.....and it's life-long repercussions.

Thanks for reading....Peace...Effer

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

Till....The last thing I want is to "confuse" you, or anyone. In fact, to clear my own confusion, I scanned thru my hub......Unless I missed it, I do not use the term, "nightmare," anywhere. Yet, both you and writer20, somehow picked up the image of a nightmare....(which might serve as an adjective to describe the actual experience)....However, this scenario I describe, was such a stunning childhood trauma, that apparently came back to me so clearly.as a MEMORY.....I recalled WHERE we sat, WHO the adults were, not only the robe my Dad had on, but the fact that his hands were in his pockets.....and the panic and terror I felt so strongly, I can literally "feel" it when the scenario plays out in my head......In a way, it was "leaving my Dad at the hospital," but much more than this, Till, in my innocent 3 1/2 yr. old mind....I had been desperately missing him...I was finally seeing him and can only believe I was ecstatic (although, as I said, I have no recollection of the "happy" feeling that day....only the horrid memories) When I realized he was leaving....not coming home with us, the overwhelming panic and fright, jolted me, strongly enough to REMAIN with me and return to haunt me. If it is possible for a small child to have a real mental and emotional breakdown (meltdown)...it was surely emphasized by being "physically restrained," when I needed to run to my Dad.

I suppose, having to explain and or clarify this, means I didn't express it correctly in my tale......but there really is no other way for me to tell it.

I can't imagine, GF, what, in any of our discussions leads you to the "Saint" description. Sounds nice, but I'm not even close. I hope, if you read it again, this explanation has helped. Thanks, dear friend.

Dexter Yarbrough 4 years ago from United States

Hi Fpher! Wow! You had me at "At 6:28 p.m..." It takes a really strong person to share parts of their lives that have had a major impact upon who they have become. I am looking forward to reading more about your journey.

pagesvoice 4 years ago from New York/Pennsylvania border

Voted and interesting. You are correct regarding our past experiences shaping who we become long into our adult years. My now deceased mother never got over the trauma of losing her father when she was only 9 years old. Even in the last few months of her life and in her late 70s and suffering from Alzheimer's she thought I was her dad. I guess for her life had gone full circle.

kelleyward 4 years ago

This is a sad truth to many people. I love the book you recommended "The body remembers". I think what you shared here is an example of that! Looking forward to part two! Take care, Kelley

Sunshine625 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

How sad! I wanted to reach out and hug that little girl who was hurting so badly. I felt her pain and agony. Your words were strong and severe. I'm anticipating part two... hurry up! You know I'm not a patient person!:)

tillsontitan 4 years ago from New York

Okay, I'm confused. Was the nightmare about leaving your father at the hospital? It is especially heart-wrenching to think that you St.Paul, have this horrible trauma deep inside. I know it was a childhood thing but it still visits you or you wouldn't speak of it! It is a wonderful thing you do, sharing this with your followers. You know I would follow you anywhere.

I know you are a happy person, and a saintly one if I recall our conversations.

I look forward to the next installment and growing up with Effer. Much more to learn and I am anxious to do so. Keep that lovely smile going GF.

P.S. If that's your childhood home it is gorgeous! (Actually it's gorgeous even if it wasn't your childhood home.)

Voted this up, awesome and beautiful and interesting.

fpherj48 4 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York Author

writer20.....Thank you so much for stopping by to read my hub. I guess I need to apologize on 2 counts....If you understood that I have nightmares about my Dad, I'm sorry. This is not the case. I meant to relate an experience of childhood trauma which has stayed with me and created a part of who I am... On count 2, the sadness that I'm sure I had that many years ago.....has not followed me. I'm basically an extremely happy person.

I think your story is beautiful!! How wonderful that your Dad responded to your young pleas! You may have saved your family! Bless you!

I sometimes I think of my pappa when he left our home, some how I found out where he was staying. I gathered my strength went to the house to speak to him in tears asking him to come home I was about 11, He did.