Monday, October 21, 2013

Lies I Believed (Part 2)--Criticism Meant I Had Failed, Again

Lies I Believed (Part 2) Criticism Meant I Had Failed, Again/title>

When I was young, I
desperately wanted to believe that if I did something well enough, then I
wouldn’t be criticized or punished. I’m not sure anyone ever said this to me
directly, but I hoped and believed it. I believed the corollary as well, if I
was criticized, then obviously I must have done something wrong.

For
example, if I asked my parent a question and got yelled at, then I must try
harder next time to word it “better” or to use a quieter voice, or something.

When I wanted something
like a pair of shoes without holes, I was told (with words, tone
or body language) that I was selfish. I would then vow to never notice holes in my
shoes again. I became “un-selfish” by never verbalizing any needs. It seemed to
protect me from some criticism, so I globalized it to almost all situations for
many years.

This philosophy of having
no needs seemed effective in many situations as a child. One situation in which
it didn’t work was during long car trips. I would need to use a restroom for a
long time but would ignore it, hoping that my parent would stop sometime soon without me having to say anything. My need
grew and I would eventually realize that I was about to have an accident
and that would also anger my parents. Whether I spoke up about my need or
remained silent about it, I wasn’t going to be praised--so in such dire cases I
would eventually, voice my need.

After being scolded or hearing an
angry sigh or being angrily glared at for causing trouble, my parent would pull
over at a rest stop and let me use the restroom. I didn’t feel good about
voicing my real need, I felt guilty for causing my parent’s irritation.

When I was 19, I married an
abusive spouse who also found all of my needs inconvenient. He was the one with needs and I was the one who must fulfill his
needs. When my husband said that I made him feel like killing himself because I
suggested he speak more gently to our children, I concluded that I was a mean
person who drove people insane with unreasonable requests. It wasn’t clear to
me how I was mean, I hadn’t meant to be unkind I was just trying to help my
children, but on an emotional level I believed I must have messed up the
communication in some way that I wasn't smart enough to figure out. I doubted myself more as the years went by and I spoke less and less from my heart. I attempted to avoid any subject which might be heard by my husband as
a criticism. I had no wish to hurt my spouse, but I couldn’t seem to figure out
the rules so I often didn’t speak my thoughts. Over the fourteen years of our
marriage I globalized my thinking to most people. I became more and more
isolated through my great hesitation to voice any needs, requests or thoughts.

Bottom line, I
believed I should always please everyone and most especially those with whom I
lived. I wanted to be a kind and gentle person, but on a frequent basis I seemed to be the cause of my parent's and spouse's anger, hurt or depression. I
tried harder and harder to please—but I almost always failed to please them. II was driven to
succeed—to be good enough, kind enough; bright enough; but my efforts didn’t
work.

Having done a lot of
healing, I no longer assume that all criticism is deserved. Now I know that if
someone is deeply depressed, you can’t cheer them up by saying the right
thing. When someone is angry about most things almost every day, you can’t
please them with kind actions. When someone is controlling, you can’t do
anything right enough to avoid his/her correction or criticism. When someone is
sexually abusive, you won’t be praised for dressing modestly. When someone is
bitter, you can’t be gentle enough to break through their warped perceptions.
When someone gains emotional benefit from belittling others, you aren’t going
to receive much praise. When someone habitually becomes intoxicated, you can’t say
the perfect things to make them see that alcohol is hurting their
relationships. No matter how careful you are with your words you can't avoid receiving unjust criticism from abusive people.

Abusive people criticize,
belittle, and lash out. They judge, punish and threaten family members,
regardless of how hard someone might try to love them, please them or help
them. As I gained more and more distance from abusive people, I discovered that
I don’t need to go crazy trying to be pleasing and right. Non-abusive people
like me just the way I am. Like all humans, I make mistakes and don’t do
everything right, but I no longer find it necessary to expend energy on trying
to be pleasing through silence in order to avoid criticism and/or punishment. I no longer accept the toxic waste that abusers like to project
onto others.

I now know that voicing
needs isn’t selfish—it’s a human necessity. Asking for respectful behavior isn’t
disrespectful—it’s an appropriate request.

Did you ever believe that
you must have done something wrong
whenever you were criticized or punished? Have you spent inordinate amounts of energy on trying to please someone?

Keeping the Faith: Questions and Answers for the Abused Woman by Marie M. Fortune

Perfect Daughters by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.

Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden

Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Slay Your Own Dragons by Nancy Good

The Cinderella Syndrome by Lee Ezell

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.

The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee

Turning Fear to Hope by Holly Wagner Green

When Violence Comes Home: Help for Victims of Spouse Abuse by Tim Jackson and Jeff Olson

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

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Welcome

Being abused by another hurts deeply and creates many challenges. But you don't have to settle for merely being a survivor. You can become an overcomer with dazzling wings.

You might feel worthless--but you are not. You are valuable to the creator of the universe. A new life of freedom, peace, and joy awaits. Facing abuse, ending it, and healing from it is a huge journey that leaves behind hopelessness, embracing new life.

Just like myself and other abuse survivors, you can unfurl dazzling wings with the help of Jesus Christ.

This journey is possible. I've done it and so have other formerly abused women and men who have shared their stories with me. Come join us on a life-giving journey of change.

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About Me

For thirty-five years, I felt worthless. It seemed like I wore a sign across my chest inviting others to abuse me.
Unfortunately, I had an abundance of personal experience with being a victim of domestic violence, incest, emotional abuse, physical abuse, date rape, verbal abuse, and spiritual abuse. And then I experienced being the mother and stepmother of children who were assaulted by a pedophile.I felt like a cursed woman.
Since multiple people felt comfortable assualting me and then my children I assumed that there was something wrong with me. I had let me myself down in some unknown, mysterious way.
What if God let me down, too?
One day, in desperation, I prayed asking God to end the abuse.
God heard. He rescued me. He continues to heal me. His kindness, grace, and mercy far exceed anything I could’ve imagined or hoped for.
He has given me dazzling wings to soar above the pain of past abuse, spreading His message of hope: God does not approve of violence in any of its manifestations. He rescues those who cry out to Him. He heals the wounded.

Disclaimer

I share my thoughts and feelings on this blog about a very sensitive and personal topic, but I need to remind readers that I am not a licensed counselor or a legal advisor. Please weigh everything I say with prayer. Feel empowered to take what you want and leave the rest.