WARNING: Girls might find the following to be “yucky” or “gross”, but the Zamboni effect is an unfortunate and very real phenomenon.

Have you ever had one of those days when it seems like you just can’t leave the toilet? I’m sure everyone has had their share of monster dumps or “dude look at this giant fuckin’ deuce” moments, but what im talking about is flooding on the hershey highway; straight squirts all day. If you’ve ever had dysentery or eaten one meal at 14 frat row in the last 3 years, you know what im talking about. And i dont care if you’re using octo-ply toilet paper; after so many wipes, your butthole is gonna be raw. Do you see where I’m going?

So, you just finish wiping after your umpteenth dump of the day and while you know the ol’ brown eye is feeling pretty chafed, you’re safe for now. Then, when you least expect it, your stomach starts ranting and raving for an encore performance. You sit down to unleash hot lava and it BURNS LIKE THE MOTHAFUCKIN DICKENS. At this point its not the wiping that pains thee, but your own shit filling in the seams of your raw asshole. Its like pouring salt in an open wound. Or really, doodie in an open wound.

Just as a zamboni comes out on a hockey rink to fill in the ice carved up by skates, so too does your excrement fill the void in your butt caused by excessive wipeage. So next time your late to a party and your friend asks where you were, dont tell him: “Bro my fuckin butthole was so god damn tender and stinging from my diarrhea it took me 45 minutes to get off the can,” just say: “I was doing some research for my thesis on the zamboni effect.” Nuff said.