It is official. Jared Padalecki and Sandy McCoy are engaged to be married.

Jensen was the first to know next to Jared’s and Sandy’s family, and he smiled as Jared told him over a beer one night. It wasn’t a surprise. They’d been dating for 4 years after all, and Jared had spoken about marriage plans long before. It just somehow still seemed to come as somewhat of a shock. Jensen didn’t even know why, but somehow it didn’t make him feel happy to hear the news. Instead, he’d held on to his beer, clenching it just a bit too hard and taking a deep shallow. Jared’s eyes had been on him all the time, expecting a reaction. When he sat the beer bottle down again, he forced a smile on his lips, drew a sharp breath and managed to say: “I’m happy for you.”

Those had been the hardest words he had ever had to say in his life. And now it was official. They’d announced it at the LA convention and now it was in all the papers, on all the websites and everywhere he went. Fans, which recognized him on the street, came up screaming, but not like usual to ask for an autograph or take a picture with him. No, they wanted to congratulate, wanted to talk about the engagement. Did they even realize that it was Jared getting engaged? Jensen tried to smile and provide some answers, but on the inside he felt weak, torn and the fans didn’t even notice.

Jared walked around on set happy as could be and still getting his lines perfect. Jensen didn’t know if he could act as good if he were in the same position right now. The guy was just perfect in every way. Good looks, great talent and now soon a beautiful wife by his side. He was living every guy’s dream…every guy’s except Jensen’s. But no one knew what Jensen dreamt about, what made him break out in cold sweat in the middle of the night or made him feel sick every time he saw his costar gleam with happiness. Was it envy? He thought about it for about a second before dismissing that idea. He knew what it was, had always known, but didn’t want to see it.

Three days after going public with the news, things got much worse than Jensen could have anticipated. They had wrapped early today, getting all the senses just perfect after a couple of times so the crew got to call it an early evening. Everybody went home with a satisfied look on their face…damn happy people! Jensen was again the only one who couldn’t be happy, and he couldn’t pretend he was either. A dark cloud was covering the bright sun in his sky and no matter what happened it wouldn’t go away. All he wanted to do was go home, lie down on his couch and drink himself dizzy. He remembered buying a six-pack a couple of days ago and there was still an old bottle of jack somewhere around. And that was really all he needed, all he could handle. But fate never smiles on him, or so it seems. Just when Jensen had emptied his 4th beer and was on to his 2nd glass of jack, the doorbell rang. Fuck! It was Jared, of all people, stopping by to say hi and see how he was doing, because obviously whatever he was feeling, it was beginning to show. Jensen grunted, refilling his glass and offering Jared a beer. He was so not in the mood to talk, but it was Jared. And he couldn’t turn him down, no matter how much he wanted to be alone right now.

“So…” Jared starts, “you okay?”

“Yeah, sure, why not?”

“It’s just…I don’t know. You just seemed quiet today, y’know, not your usual kind of quiet. I just wondered if something was a matter. So I thought I’d come by and check on you.”

Jensen is biting his lip now, trying to stop the trembling. He can’t force a smile out, so he just shakes his head and tries to hide his feelings.

“Nah, everything’s great. Besides, don’t you have better things to do than check in on your costar? I mean wedding plans…what not…”

Jared eyes flicker and he sets his beer bottle down on the table, leaning in closer as if to scrutinize Jensen.

Silence for a couple of minutes, uncomfortable silence. Jensen takes another swallow from his glass, emptying it. Jared sits and stares. He’s waiting for an answer, for some sort of explanation Jensen isn’t ready to give. His hand his shaking as he puts the empty glass back on the table. Jared watches his every move, trying desperately to read him. When Jared gets up to come closer, Jensen knows that he’s lost this battle. He can’t say no to Jared, can’t deny him anything.

“Tell me what’s going on man. I’m here for you, you know that. And I can see that something is eating you up inside.”

He is by his side now, resting a hand gently on his thigh. Where it touches, Jensen can feel the warmth growing. It doesn’t mean much more than comfort and reassurance, but it feels like a whole lot more, sending sparks through his whole body. Jensen can’t speak; his mouth has gone totally dry. He sits still trying to avoid Jared’s eyes still watching him pleadingly. When he finds his voice again it is weak and brittle just like his heart.

“Jay, I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to…how to tell you…”

The grip becomes firmer and now Jared adds an arm around Jensen’s shoulders as if wanting to hold him up. It’s too much, too damn much! Jensen lowers his head, suppressing a faint moan and lets the first teardrop roll down his cheek.

“Jen, Jen, Jen, don’t! I’m here for you. C’mon talk to me man!”

And then he gathers the limb body up in his own, flinging his arms desperately around Jensen’s whole body. Their cheeks are pressed close together and Jensen knows that Jared must feel the dampness there. But he doesn’t care. He can’t hold back his pain anymore. He can hear Jared whispering soothing words into his ear, hands moving up and down his back and cradling his head. He’s trying to hush him, to tell him that everything is going to be okay, but it isn’t.

“Jay, I can’t…it’s not…”

His words are drowned by chocked tears and he knows they don’t make any sense. His heart and body are screaming and he just hopes that somehow Jared can hear him, can feel him. He knows him better than anyone else does, he must know, must feel! And he manages to say one word: “Sandy.”

Jared backs away for a second, but still holds on to him. He looks into his tear-stained face puzzled. And then it’s as if a light goes on. Jensen holds his breath, his heart beating so loud that Jared must hear it pounding.

“I’m happy for you…really I am, I try to be, it’s just...it’s just…”

Jared keeps avoiding his eyes. It hurts like hell, and Jensen’s afraid that he’s about to lose everything now. That’s exactly the reason he never said anything. That was why he tried to forget his feelings, bury them so deep down and it almost worked…until he heard of the engagement.

“It’s just that I realized that…”

“…that you love me.”

Jensen can’t be hearing right. His heart is close to exploding, overfilling with emotion. “Yeah. I guess I do. I’m sorry Jay, god I’m so sorry…”

And then Jared is looking at him again, gripping his arms firmly as he continues.

“Don’t say you’re sorry! That is the last thing you should feel. No one should feel sorry for loving someone.”

Jensen is trembling by now, ready to fall into a thousand small pieces, the only thing holding him together are Jared’s arms. The tears just continue to flow and he can’t care about them anymore. He can’t care about embarrassing himself, done that already. He can’t care about anything anymore because Jared knows. And that’s the only thing that counts. His deep green eyes look at him, full of despair, mirroring his own reflection.

“How long, Jen?”

“What does it matter?”

“It matters.”

“I don’t know, I can’t remember.”

His voice is breaking again, a little too rough and a little too high. How to go on from here, Jensen doesn’t know. He never planned for anything like this. But now Jared knows, he knows and he’s here, right in front of him. Jensen’s never created any fantasies of what might be, never allowed himself that sort of delight. Looking at Jared’s troubled face now millions of pictures all of a sudden fill his head: kissing, touching, making love. They tear him up inside. Jared must see his pain.

“Jen, I can’t stand to see you like this. I want to help you. You know I’m here for you.”

Jared Padalecki, always the best friend.

“How can you help me, Jay? You know you can’t. I don’t want you to. I didn’t even want you to know, don’t you get it? I can bare it alone, I know I can, I have to. But with you knowing….it just makes things a lot harder.”

He bites his lower lip, stopping any more words from escaping. Jared is looking at him now with a mixture of pity and disbelief. It’s so hard seeing him like this, knowing that he is the reason for this.

And then he’s falling to his knees, head close to Jensen’s lap and his hands seek his thighs, fingernails driving into the denim. “Jen, for Christ sake! I can’t believe you wanted to keep this from me. This is me! I’m your best friend, we tell each other everything.”

“Even if it screws with your mind, or worse, screws up your relationship with Sandy?”

Jared doesn’t answer to that. He looks at Jensen for a while with uncertainty and then he’s coming even closer, crawling between his thighs, so Jensen is forced to spread them wider. Jensen’s breath hitches and he can feel the blood rushing to his aching member. This is so fucked up and what the hell is Jared even doing? He can’t, he shouldn’t. This has to stop before it even begins. “Jay, stop this! You don’t know what you’re doing…”

Jared’s reply comes as another movement. He’s pressing his head against Jensen’s inner thigh, while his hands continue to travel upward. The tension is almost too much, the air in the room too hot. Just when he thinks things can’t get any worse, Jared speaks again: “I love you too, Jen. I always have. And I always will.”

And Jensen’s heart stops, just for a moment. Silence falls and covers the room for seconds. Jensen doesn’t dare to move or even breathe. He’s afraid that if he does he might wake from this impossible dream.

“Jen?”

When he finally looks down and sees Jared smiling faintly, he doesn’t know anything anymore. Jared is here right in front of him, leaning into him and that’s all that counts. He can feel his warmth, can smell his aftershave. It’s the perfect moment, one dragonfly in amber. And he holds on to it like to a precious gem, locking it safely into his heart. Then he slowly lets his fingers roll over Jared’s soft cheek and tilts his head a bit, leaning forward to meet his lips. The kiss is faint at first, lips barely brushing. Then Jared finds the courage to separate Jensen’s lips with his tongue and slips inside. The feeling, the taste is unbelievable. It’s everything Jensen has ever dreamed about and more. His fingers dive into Jared’s hair, pulling him closer, his legs pulling him in even more. Their bodies are pressed together, their tongues still urging to become one. It’s beautiful and perfect and much too short.

After a few minutes, they untangle themselves from each other’s mouths, letting air to breathe between them. Jensen’s smiling now too, but still he knows he has to say the words. His throat is dry again, but he still has one hand in Jared’s hair, cradling his head.

“But you love Sandy more.”

Jared bits his lip, still slightly red and swollen from the kiss. His gaze drops and then meets Jensen’s again, almost desperate. “It’s different. A different kind of love. But it doesn’t mean that it’s not as strong or as real. This I mean.”

His voice is shaky like Jensen’s before and his first tears are beginning to flow. Jensen can’t stand to see him like this. So he leans forward one last time and places a soft kiss on Jared’s forehead. Just to comfort, nothing more.

“It’s okay Jay. I know. I get it. I never expected…This is more than I ever hoped for.”

And then he backs away, giving them both more space and prays that Jared will get up and move away because he doesn’t know how long he can last like this. Without another word Jared does what Jensen hoped and moves slowly away, leaving a cold spot behind that makes Jensen shiver. He turns around one last time before heading for the door.

“Jen, I …”

“I know. I know.”

And then he nods, tears still spilling over and leaves in silence.

A half an hour later, Jensen is still sitting in the same position not able to move. He’s not even sure he’s still here, still living, still breathing. The tears have dried, but his eyes are still burning and his heart is still shattered to a million pieces. When he finally moves, he runs outside into a freak rain shower that seemed to come out of nowhere. The clouds are dark, almost black and a strong wind is blowing. It’s beautiful; it’s just what he feels inside. He runs and runs and runs without destination. Nothing matters. His clothes get soaking wet, sticking to his skin that is still burning. He’s humming something, something he doesn’t even recall hearing. It must be some sobbing sad love song. He remembers a couple of lines and when he lets them roll over his tongue, they have a bitter taste to them:

Goodbye, my almost lover Goodbye, my hopeless dream I'm trying not to think about you Can't you just let me be? So long, my luckless romance My back is turned on you I should've known you'd bring me heartache Almost lovers always do

He turns his head to where he thinks the sun might be and lets the rain wash over his face and body. Almost lovers…and his heart breaks again and again and again.

Well I was so heartbroken over the news of Jared's engagement at the time, that I just had to write something like this. While writing, I listened to the song over and over again, and it influenced the second half of the fic and of course the title.