A Deathly chill cuts through the nightHands shooting up from the tombsSkeletons pulling themselves out from HellFlesh falling from their bonesDirt covering them like snowTheir clothes torn to shredsLaying on their bodies like a blanker

Rows of the newly living marching in lineStorming the cemetery gates Like they did at NormandyThey entering the human populationSpreading their plague to mankind

Here are some lyrics for a song I'm writing in a music class. They are going to be screamed, so they aren't of huge importance. Still, feedback is appreciated, I'm always looking for ways to improve my lyrics/poetry. One thing I'm worried about is the whiny-ness factor.

I GraspI want nothingTake it all

I have no love left for anyone

As I sufferI berate myself"I am to blame,""I am to blame"

VomitVomitVomit it all back up

I created hell with my own handsI will burn my burdens to the groundif I die in my cleansingthen I shall suffer no more

What is this ache I feel?A feeling I can't shake, something that won't be left undoneThis urge to regurgitate my thoughts from my headIn a burst of blood, bone, and blinding light

I graspI chokeAnd die

_________________"There's too many people on this earth. We need a new plague."

@Clayman; being afraid of the "whiny-ness factor" is rather justified, because those lyrics seem very immature. I don't mean to offend you, but I would use a much different approach to convey the same feeling. Perhaps detaching yourself a bit from the piece (not talking in the first person, for instance) would help remedy that.

_________________

Nochielo wrote:

Crick wrote:

Years from now, no one will remember Gandhi. They will speak only of Fenriz.

If that's directed at me, then mine has a meaning. A rather loose one, maybe, but I had a definite idea in mind when I wrote that. But you're right, it would never work as song lyrics. Maybe only in some sort of a technical dm band or something. They weren't really intended as such anyway, just something I wrote cause I was bored and put in a wrong thread.

Waste: The waste of words continuesAs thunder claps and cracks dorothee's shoesKansas ain't even on this map, you ran and ended up on hands and kneesYour mother driven insane by mundane trivialitiesAssemblage of bullshit masquerading as conversation, obfuscated angerLike that nasty waste that created the toxic avengerMeander, meander, meander, motherfuckerA million mouths yapping', slipping', tumbling' further from the aetherDrink a glass of shut the fuck up, tasting like Jeffrey Dahmer's first murderThey sending' you towards Hades,it's plain to seeTurning men into animals like Dr.CaligariYou were born into bad circumstance, can't scratch that itch or wear that crownStill always fighting' like a vicious bitch that needs to be put down

Shit I see all these kids maddened by the heat, sickened for sympathyStaring at screens broadcasting nothing but worldwide apathyGotta laugh at absurdity before you give in to the sicknessThe 6 o'clock news is talking about irradiated blackness

Mankind's a constant blank slate, forgotten' fuck ups of yesterdayLike a clawless velociraptor trying to eviscerate it's preyIt's like a planet wide computer malfunction, wires came undone in the headEven the zombies are heading to the mall like dawn of the deadFeeling frantic, hectic, got a ticket on the train to nowhereMy mind's beyond repair, but I couldn't be more self-awareI'm iller than the man who keeps repeating the lord's prayerfucked and without chance, drinking straight gin out of a mugLike Jeff Lebowski waking up from being knocked out on his rugBut nothing matters cause my thoughts stick together like pangeaI got my own skewed logic not lifted from quote pages on wikipediaI'm broadcasting word anthrax operating on a much different wave frequencyNot hindered by small details like common decencyI'll break bread with you, like your sins are anonymousBut step up to me and get stabbed in the EuronymousBeyond know thy enemy, be thy enemyI'll go to work on your wife like I'm Ted BundyAlex West Syde, Crash into your living room with a truckI huff gallons of jenk because I don't give a fuck

Fat men crackling in vacant parking lotsProstitutes sucking dick for bath saltsWhat has the world come toDumb, deaf, blind children stare at static like they won’t ever come toCash-machines line long streets Patrick Bateman look-alikes flagging wall-streetSay you better eat your shoes if your wallet is emptyCause Norman Bates types don’t show sympathyWhat has the world come toDead soldiers don’t matter to pro-lifersWatching tv to see fat hoardersFeeding themselves dead with herd after herdLike hypocrisy ain’t even a word

Subrick - Really lame, sounds like trying to fit in way too much in terms of murder/rape/family/cult/decay/disembowelment/gore stuff. It's just ridiculous and terrible. Some of the phrases are interestingly worded, but it doesn't flow at all and seems completely forced. Look to early Deicide for hints about more focused and restrained lyrics.

I think they are way too literal, Subrick. And the whole "lol raped a kid" thing feels so stupid to me - how on earth is it made more "evil" to being pedophilia into it? And why give so many details about the occultists? There is that old adage that music is about the gaps, not the notes - it is good to approach lyrics the same way.

I don't think there are too many details about the Satanists. The only things the song explicitly says about their appearance is that they are cloaked, hooded, and masked. When it comes to the rape, think of stuff like The Last House on the Left, which also had the rape of a teenage girl in it. It's not that they are sexually drawn to the girl. Instead, having been given carte blanche to do whatever they want to do in the ritual, they show their power over the family by screwing with them before actually killing them. Also, when it comes to literal lyrics, that's just how I naturally write. When I try to do metaphors and whatnot, it either comes off as incredibly forced or really goofy, so I don't go that route.

See, I don't even think you necessarily need metaphors, I think you are just giving too much away. Less is more, ya know? They are raping the daughter - is the detail of her age necessary? At the end of the day these are your lyrics and I'm not going to tell you how to go about 'em, you've gotta be happy with them. They just don't do a lot for me.

Not to mention that the theme is a difficult one to pull off well. More anecdotal lyrics are perfectly acceptable within the context of writing about history or battles. In general, the more interesting your themes are, the more your poor writing can be forgiven. Ritual murder is about the most overused theme; do it well or don't at all. Most importantly, avoid cliches:

Quote:

Not the first ritual, it won't be the lastHell on Earth shall reign once more!

Once more? Also, it gives the impression that you, the writer, believe that a bunch of hooded cunts can bring "hell on earth" by killing people randomly for Satan. Use something to the effect of "bringing hell on earth", rather. And don't use hell on earth at all. Come up with something original, like Impaled Nazarene in Armageddon Death Squad: "Hammering down the Satan's law".

This is a supremely important point. The ability to imply things or create a vivid picture with minimal word use is one of the major traits that distinguishes good lyricists from bad. From where I stand, a large majority of metal lyrics are massively deficient in this area.

Finally got courage to show these lyrics to someone, i'm metalhead who tries to learn proper growling/singing to make a band and use these lyrics/songs i have been writing for some time. My typical lyrics are about emotions, changes in life and all that kinda stuff related to humans..(lame, yap) So, here is one for you to judge. ^^

Drift away from the dreamFeel it dying in your handsEvery last bit of lightIs pulling away from youDark path that you cameIs now far behindEvery dream that you lostYou will never find

Call down the thunderLet it be the oneOne to strike down youTo lay you asunderEvery awaking momentIs only prologue to dreamAnd every dream is warningNothing is what it seems

You will see the dawnBeautiful, yet so distantAnd you will hear the signFor this serenity to beginBut you will dream the darkOpen your mind for an unholy dreamAnd you will feel the scarsOn the path that you hope to redeem

Soil is changing it's shapeIt dragging you inDeep beneath all the worldFor inner self to see

Every man casts a shadeFor sun to not touch this earthAnd every sun that touches the manIs wasted piece of heavenThere is no godAnd there is nothing left to be sacredBut the human withinA soul left to absolve

Walk away from from realityIt's no place for dreamerLeave everything behindAnd walk into deeperNo one knows what's withinAnd no one dares to seekAnother night fallsAnother chance to dream

Suspended By ThreadsSitting there alone, waiting helpless in the darkThe floor begins to shake and the sky begins to cryNeedles pouring down, screams of pain emergeThorns of dark matter strike and incapacitate

Suspended By Threads

Vines emerge from the ground and enstrangle your limbsSpikes rip into your flesh and make your blood flowClouds of toxic smoke enclosing the horizonBeings from another world, your fate is decided

So, I'm working on some lyrics about Slaanesh (you know, the God of Lust from Warhammer 40k). I'm yet to come up with a few more verses, but I guess that showing what I have come up with until now won't hurt anybody. As always, suggestions of any kind are welcome.

The Birth of Decadence

Rupturing the EmpyreanHeinous, decadent lordBorn of indulgences and oblivionThe bane of a civilizationA perverse creation

Corrupted spiritual spawnTargets its kindredThe Great Fool runsThe Bloody-Handed one is shatteredAnd the Lady of Life, imprisonedThe rest are consumed

Hedonism in the fleshCreativity, perfection and lustThe dominion of the Purple KingEldritch seductivenessEnthralls and taints

_________________

Nochielo wrote:

Crick wrote:

Years from now, no one will remember Gandhi. They will speak only of Fenriz.

It's me again, here to show anybody that wants to see it my poop of lyrics. However, in the year I've been absent, I've developed my "style" somewhat. So, I'll show you some of my stuff for Vigor Mortis, hopefully to be resurrected later this year.

They must be acted upon -By what manner remains unknown;Floorboards could accomodate a necropolis beneath my home

Anon, I seek means by whichto begin and complete my work;At once I quell the antecedentsand place them below my hearth

The manner by which I conduct myselfat my victims' death bedvaries; I can behave as they wish as longas they promise to become dead

With one, a frail girl clothed in an unnatural pallor,I taught her that fairytale fiendsCan exist, to an extent, through the guise of everyday people such as me

The body count steeps in time,of which I am solely suspect;Traitorous victims reveal my secrets andafford my capture with their stench of death

They wish me not sadness, only solitude,so that we can better communicate;I leave my shell behind and ride away on nightwinds dark and great

And for newer stuff that I developed after overdosing on Sludge and Grind in the past year, this is "Road to Godhood":

I loathe,therefore I am;I hatebecause I am man

the world was not bornfrom the loving warmthof a virgin womb;it was carved with theviolence of rape and on itsway to a tomb

Poison this cuntfrom which all life flows;set fire to the fieldswhere the fruit of life grows

i loathetherefore i am

In this castle,Above the reeking hordesof skewered souls displayedon pikes and on swords,there is no rest in which to lay

I loathetherefore I amGod

"And on the seventh dayafter my seed did spilldid I resign the Earthto rest and to heal:thy ultimate worship is thy readinessand willingnessto defile and to kill"

So yeah, lemme know what you guys think of this stuff. Hopefully I'll end up recording something with another dude later this year after I get my final duty station after my MOS school (USMC represent!).

Hahaha, I've just found my niche and refined my ways to the best of my ability. Here's one I wrote in an e-mail to my biggest inspiration, Lord Worm. This has his approval, as do many of my other writings. This is called "Gentlemaniac".

An encasement akin to plantflesh andbones with the integrity of glass;Fragility is implement in this thingto be tortured; let it never become ash

Damning oblique femininity; with a forcelesshand applied to your waist, it breaksand brings you to your knees; these, too,shatter as a result of your diseaseSlight winds cause your form toslowly dissipate; tears welland dissolve the eyes from whichthey spring; each trickles erodesyour entire being

A Gentlemaniac am I, and soI show myself to be, as I caressyour tender frame with the intentto cause extreme irreversible pain

For now, I will harbor youuntil your times comes; fauna,you are, and will end as such, too,sometime in the coming Autumn

Gross misconduct to the newly deadinspires seekings of revenge on those who, with clear conscience, peacefullyapply pillows to their heads;At nocturnal hours, when theaggressors are at their most vulnerablestate, a grand transcendence is made -Career criminals found stuffed with blades

"We bled, and so we bleedinto realms where we werewronged; Indignancy weimplement in ways to torture";Tomes of the anonymous deadcarved into skin and inked in red

From polar ends, the ignored uninterredreturn to enact punishments absurd;Men found with their epidermis inscribedwith the names of the lives they denied

I might disappear for a while after this one. Depends on how prolific I am between now and May 19th. I've got plenty more, but I don't want to over-saturate the thread with my drek.

... Just like their Messiah,forever damned to suffer the tatteringof their souls and scalps to the tuneof laughter, kind courtesy of us...

Damnatio memoriae;Thou shalt not livein their hearts and minds;Documents burn and thoushalt not be recognizedin past, present, or future time;Remembrance decays still longbeyond their bodies in thiscourt of the crucified

Here's one lyric I wrote some time ago. It's just basic Lovecraft shit really. I've written plenty that, but I've moved on now. Just can't get past those stupid rhymes, hah. The title is of course a tribute to mighty Manilla Road. I'm thinking of a song along the lines of something from Crystal Logic.

LOST IN NECROPOLISFuture never seemed so cold; before me only this desert landAs living prophets foretold, here now walks a wiser manA recluse living in a cave, having those feverish dreamsNo one thinks I'm any longer sane, just a madman out of reachUsed to seek for a forbidden place, dead book knew it by many namesYet founding it did end my chase, the year was one in ancient tales

Entrance was buried by sand, the wind had gotten suddenly warmOn a symbol I placed my hand and gates they opened like a charmFinally I found myself wandering the forgotten streets of the city of death,where it slept, the world's oldest king, serpent crown on a tentacle bedThe beast capable of things so vile, in its palace I was, lost in that mazeA sharp man shaking like a child; about to learn their foulish ways

My screams they revealed me, like madman I ran back to the gates The city dwellers came to be where the undying creature forever laysFrom the stars once came their king,aeons ago built this city of deathI knew I didn't felt the wind but the creature's molten breathWorshipped as a god in Egypt, took several pages in NecronomiconLater appearing in many a myth, known even as the biblical dragon

For my sanity I got this fear, it took years to reach these shoresNow I know the books were real,their legends live forevermoreIf I ever meet you and we get to talk, and the city is what you're looking for,that road is just for you to walk, 'cause I won't go there anymoreI will stay clear of that place as of the other things in the duneswhere the wind speaks terrible names and the sand eternally moves

My major critique would be that the phrasing itself lacks a certain magic, if you will. There's nothing wrong with the a/b/a/b rhyme scheme, but it's difficult to make it sound natural. A magical tale needs to have something unique and personal about it, since the Necronomicon and Egyptian mythology are somewhat threadbare material. And since I'm about to give you grammatical corrections, it bears mentioning that writing under those rhyme scheme limitations will definitely help you stretch and improve your English vocabulary. Another thing to bear in mind is that it's acceptable to drop a rhyme here and there to keep the whole from getting too strict and stodgy.

I think the third stanza is the weakest. I guess I just don't like that part of the story, but that's just me. On the whole, it certainly isn't a bad start, but it could use choruses, I think, or at least some kind of three or four line reprises that break up the rhythm.

I'm currently writing some lyrics for some melancholic black metal I wrote. Ordering a mic and should be recording something soon if I remain inspired. Anyways:

I kiss the pale cheek Of my old body's husk To say goodbye To the man I once was I can see the fire Of all the years past Scorching away at the dreams That I've given up All my hopes Have gone fleeting Through otherworldly plains of silenceLike the sun that never risesAs Mephistopheles beckons I close my eyes To kiss the damp air With my bloodied tongue I'm sick off all the words That I've been unable to speak Of all the things That I've left undone Of the haunting delusions That follow me through the murk of lifeI'll slip away Like an ever fleeting dreamThe sun never rises

I saw a bird hit a window two days ago.Died on impact. Neck completely broken. The dog tried to eat it. I had to push him away. I picked it up using a plastic bag. There was blood coming from his neck. It must've been really painful. Hope I don't die like that. Hope I don't die. I buried it underneath snow and dirt so the dogs wouldn't find him.Don't think they should tear him apart.

"Gash"

Dried snow globes and empty bottles.Green, brown, clear. Small brass contraptions,tepid sunlight, old machines.Frightening masks.Bits of wire and tubing.A pair of horse blinders. A small spike held in between two leather straps. Green stains on metallic surfaces.