How to Get Teens to Stop Smoking . . . via Text!

Teens! Will they listen to anyone or anything—besides their damned iPod accounts, that is? The National Cancer Institute, which would prefer that teen tobacco-enthusiasts quit smoking, is betting that no, they do not. Politico reports:

Instead of sending teens the traditional tobacco cessation literature, one program sends teens a text saying something like: “Smoking 1 may seem like the answer but you know its not. Stay strong! Cravings fade even without smoking & youll be proud for staying focused.” The specific wording of the messages, and their timing, depends on texts submitted by the participating teens themselves, describing their moods or tobacco cravings after they sign up for the program . . .

For instance, if a teenager texts “UHOH”—meaning they relapsed and had a cigarette—they’ll see something like “Whatever the reason for slipping, it isnt good enough to keep smoking for the rest of your life. Get back at it & avoid temptations next time!” (Grammar and punctuation are “teenified.”)

Medical professionals are going to have to do a little better in terms of “teenifying” that language and syntax. “I love how much I relate to that ampersand,” said no teenager in history, ever.

Instead of arbitrarily declining to spell out the word “and,” quit-assistance programs should dangle teen-appropriate rewards (and punishments!) to adolescents trying to stop smoking. For example: If a teenager texts “i want a cigarette,” they should see something like, “Ben F. told Josh who told Lizzie who told Travis that he’s not inviting any smokers to his pool party. And if you don’t go, everyone will probably just assume it’s because you don’t want Josh to see you in a bikini.”

And if a teenager texts, “just smoked a cigarette,” they’ll see something like, “Oh, is that why you weren’t at Lauren’s? Everyone was there.”

If a teenager texts, “quitting is so hard,” they’ll see something like, “It’s, like, really insensitive of you to make such a big deal out of your own problems when you know Elizabeth was just caught shoplifting bras from Neiman Marcus and her parents are threatening to take away her Internet connection. Just don’t smoke, O.K., and like try to focus on being a good friend to Elizabeth. Ben F. was totally right to say that really mean thing about you. No, I can’t repeat it, because I, unlikeyou, am a great friend.”