John Kass: G-8, NATO summits will hit us where we live

Only politicians and their allies want to bring the meetings and everything they will entail to Chicago

February 08, 2012|John Kass

Lake City, Colo., population of 400 or so, would be an ideal, out-of-the-way locale to hold the G-8 and NATO summits without all the inconvenience and disruptions they are likely to cause in Chicago, says John Kass. (Josh Burek, Christian Science Monitor 2006)

If President Barack Obama and Mayor Rahm Emanuel really care about Chicago, they'll cancel the G-8 and NATO summits scheduled for May.

Immediately.

That's right. Cancel the summits now. Nobody wants them here but the politicians, their contributors and their oily mouthpieces who insist that Chicago needs the events to demonstrate this is a world-class city.

What nonsense.

Do you want the hassle? No. And do you want tens of thousands of protesters trying to exercise their First Amendment rights when you're trying to get to work or go to a ballgame or enjoy the lakefront? Of course not. You're not insane.

Did anyone ask you if you wanted to invite NATO and G-8 to your front yard?

So, Obama and the Rahmfather should immediately send out cards of regret to the world leaders and international tycoons, arms merchants and spies, and tell them, "Guys, we wanted to throw a party, our contributors would have loved it, but we forgot to ask permission. Sorry. Our bad."

Unfortunately, since invitations have already gone out, we can't very well be rude to foreigners simply because our elected officials are simpletons.

One fellow suggested we send everybody to the Bonneville Salt Flats or Area 51, and both are good choices. Another said we should send the twin summits to Branson, Mo., since your average sophisticated international intriguer probably likes country music, poker and go-carts.

But then I heard about Lake City, Colo.

It's perfect, famed for elk hunting and fishing, and it's far away. And with a population of just about 400, it is one of the most isolated places in the continental United States.

"We're pretty isolated," said Kelli Robinson, assistant director of the Lake City/Hinsdale County Chamber of Commerce. "You walk off the road, you're in wilderness. The dignitaries would be most welcome. And the protesters probably couldn't find us."

Excellent.

So on behalf of the president from Chicago and his crafty nine-fingered henchman, the terrifying Mayor Rahmfather, I hereby announce that we're just going to cancel and send everybody your way, including the protesters.

"Do you have that authority?" Robinson asked.

Not really, but I should.

"Well, I don't have the authority to make that arrangement," she told me. "But we like to think that Lake City is beautiful. And we're perfect for people who love the outdoors. Your international friends are welcome."

There are a couple of coffee shops in town. One is called Mean Jean's, "but she's not really mean," insisted Robinson, and another called the Mocha Moose. Sportsman's and Restless Spirits are known for burgers, and there's a French restaurant called Bruno's.

"It's excellent, but Bruno is in France," said Robinson. "He goes to France every year. But he'll be back."

Foreign leaders are already quite comfortable with Colorado cuisine. In 1997, during an international business and political conference in Denver, then Secretary of State Madeleine Albright took Russian Foreign Minister Yevgeny Primakov to dinner at a restaurant that featured sauteed buffalo testicles.

The Russians are great vodka drinkers and must have enjoyed kicking back with Albright and her "mountain oysters," which I'm told are just the thing with straight vodka. Years later, I dined at the same restaurant, but skipped the oysters and just had a scotch.

And boots are just what Chicagoans required to wade through the stinky nonsense about how Chicago needs to showcase itself as a world-class city.

"From a city perspective, this will be an opportunity to showcase what is great about the greatest city in the greatest country," Emanuel said awhile back.

Really? I suppose you'd need to push such hoo-hah if you had political contributors who wanted to use international festivals to seize opportunity. Or if the president wanted to make a nice political commercial. Or if the Daley boys needed another meeting with Russian and Chinese big shots.

But Chicago doesn't need to thump its chest. We already know Chicago is the finest town in the world. Such tub thumping is the mark of the rube.

There is another aspect to the G-8 and NATO meetings — the possibility of violence, with international media attention raising the potential for bad tidings. And let's not forget the tens of thousands of protesters. I'm all for protesters. I just hope they maintain proper hygiene. My friends of the political left at those Occupy Chicago protests were exceedingly well-groomed, shaved and sober.

But others have demanded to move in and live in hovels and makeshift encampments in city parks, and honest journalists will be compelled to call these Obamavilles.

The suburbs of the Obamavilles, where protesters will sit on the dirt and roast potatoes in tiny fires, will also have names. We'll call them Rahmburgs.

Who'll clean up? Not the insiders. And the cops will make arrests on the Rahmfather's orders.

Mike Shields, president of the Fraternal Order of Police, said his membership has no enthusiasm for what's coming.

"If your name is Obama, Emanuel or Hilton, you'll want NATO and the G-8," Shields said. "And everybody else will pay the price."

And guess where "everybody else" lives?

Here's a hint:

They don't live in the wilderness. They're partial to hot dogs, not mountain oysters.