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Archive for February, 2006

February 28th, 2006

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When the office printer’s type began to grow faint, the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly service agent told him that the printer probably only needed a thorough cleaning. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the manager might try reading the printer’s manual and doing the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by the man’s candor, the office manager asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business!?”
“Actually it’s my boss’s idea,” the employee replied. “We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

Little Johnny’s Sex Ed teacher gave out their homework assignment. “Class, for tomorrow, I want you to list as many sexual positions as possible.” The next day, she called first on Little Johnny. “Well, Johnny, how many sexual positions did you come up with?” Johnny responded proudly, “Seventy-three!” The teacher was taken aback. “Oh, goodness. Uh, very good, Johnny.” She turned to a girl she believed to be more conservative. “All right, Becky, how many sexual positions did you come up with?” Becky said, “Gosh, teacher, I only came up with one: you know, where the guy lays on top of the girl?” From the back of the room, Little Johnny shouted, “Seventy-four!”

A midget in Texas went to the doctor because his testicles ached almost all of the time.
The doctor told him to stand on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger under the midget’s left testicle and told him to turn his head and cough – the usual method to check for a hernia.
“Hmmm..”, mumbled the doc as he put his finger under the testicle, he asked the midget to cough again, “Hmmm, I see the problem,” said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side, then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told the midget to hop down off the table, pull his pants up, and then walk around and see if his testicles still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc’s office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching.
“The midget said, “That’s perfect Doc, and I didn’t even feel it! What did you do?”
The Doctor replied, “I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.”

At one job I had, the boss man got the idea that the IT department should be living up to the slogan, “Giving every user what they need.”
I politely requested, “How do we get them to turn around so we can kick them in the ass?” It went over quite well, the room fell out laughing. I don’t work there any more.

Gumpy Barnes, 52, from Darmstadt, Indiana, lodged a complaint about his dealer with police after he sold him seven ounces of “completely un-enjoyable” weed.
Barnes complained the dealer refused to refund him the money he had paid for the drugs.
But despite the official complaint, in which Barnes described himself as a victim of “fraud” involving drugs of “absolutely mediocre quality”, the officers failed to act upon the allegations and booked the complainant instead.
He is now being charged for the illegal purchase and possession of narcotic substances

BATTLE CREEK, MI – Even though he sexually abused a sheep, Jeffrey S. Haynes doesn’t think he should have to register as a sex offender. Haynes said that the state registery is meant to keep track of people who have committed crimes against humans. But Tamara Towns, an assistant prosecutor for the county, argues that he should be registered as a sex offender because once out of prison, he could prey on children or weak adults. “The prosecutor is being real hard on me for what I did,” Haynes said. “But I should not be treated as a child molester.” According to police, Haynes was caught having sex with a sheep on the property of the animal’s owner. The sheep was found injured.

You’re getting to be an old Catholic if:
Confessions did not start out with: you have the right to remain silent.
A red sash around a priest’s waist did not mean he was gay.
A man dressed in black was not a member of the SWAT team.
Kneelers were in church, not in the oval office.
Cardinals were birds of pray, not prey.
Holy Water was not from Golden Showers.
Bingo had yet to be made a sacrament.
Love one-another did not mean “Orgy Time!!!!!”
Amazing Grace was not the name of every tenth stripper.
“Father” was a religious title, not the results of a court-ordered DNA test.
“Mother” was also a religious title, not the first name of really bad people with the surname of Fucker.
I could get out of this by saying three “Hail Mary’s”

A guy wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless clean. And so’s the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, “Honey, breakfast is on the stove. Love you.” So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast, fresh newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
“Son, what happened yesterday?”
“Oh, the usual, Dad. You came home after 3 in the morning.You were drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and when you fell down, you kicked mom and gave her a black eye.”
The father looked around, puzzled, and said, “So, why is everything so clean and in order? Why’s there food on the table?”
“Oh that,” answered the son. “Well, when mom dragged you into the bedroom to undress you, when she tried to take off your pants, you hollered, ‘Bitch, I’m married! Leave me alone!’”