Four Spiritual Coping Strategies

Learning how to face life’s difficult challenges.

I have received a tremendous response from the article I wrote about my 19 year old son’s death from bi-polar disorder. Many parents and other family members are struggling with similar issues and wrote me privately seeking advice on how to keep their own children from following Doni’s path. My heart aches for them as I feel their desperation and pain. I wish I could reveal to them the ultimate secret. But if I knew the answers, Doni would still be here today.

I don’t know how to cure mental illness, or how to alleviate its pain, or how to motivate someone to stay alive. But I do have some insight into how I learned and grew, lived and even smiled through those challenges. That is something I can share.

My daughter Elisheva lost a twin baby and a brother this year. She hugged me as I buried my baby just a few rows away from hers, and we both cried together about adulthoods we’d never enjoy.

Now its eight months since her baby died and seven weeks since her brother died and she and I were alone in the kitchen. “How are you doing inside?” I asked her.

“Okay,” she said, confirming what I thought. “But, you know what I really don’t like?” she continued. “I really don’t like it when people come over to me and say, ‘Wow, you’ve have a really hard year’. I know they mean well, but I just want to tell them: I’ve had some really hardweeks in a really good year.”

As the children grew, so did the challenges.

I was so proud of her. I asked her how she came to that thought. With a twinkle she said, “That’s how you raised me!”

Elisheva is my oldest, and easiest. She is the one God tricked me with. He gave me her first so that I’d want a bunch of children just like her. And then, in His wisdom, He gave me a bunch of children with bunches of challenges. She was there from the start to watch me cope with it all.

One had ADHD and was flying all the time. It was hard to keep track of him, he moved so fast. Another moved so slowly that she earned the nick name “Molasses in January”. A few had learning issues: this one dyslexic, that one with auditory processing issues, this one with hearing loss, that one with sensory integration problems, this one with anger management and chutzpah challenges, that one with executive function disorder. My husband joked that our family is like a magazine rack—we have so many issues!

As the children grew, so did the challenges. I read, and learned, (ate chocolate) and consulted with teachers, and I grew along with them. The more challenges I faced, the more Torah I needed. More effective than chocolate, Torah actually illuminates pathways to increasing one’s capacity. If the challenges were not going to disappear, it was either concede defeat or rise to meet them. As a child I loved to sing, “Rise and shine and give God your glory,” so I chose to rise.

Reframing Tests

The first thing I needed to do was reframe. It took a decade of work, listening to hundreds of tapes and reading dozens of books, and praying that it should all sink in, but I finally came upon my own understanding of “test” or “nesayon”. It is a custom designed workshop from God, lovingly created just for me, to best further my soul’s growth and development. Once I began to see the hard things in this light, I could see the love in them as well, and the love gave me strength to trust and plow forward.

A test is a custom designed workshop from God, lovingly created just for me, to best further my soul’s growth and development.

I have a friend who asked me, “Why bother trying so hard? If you pass one test God just gives you another, harder test!” We both had sons with mental illness. She told me she feels like she is always trying to catch the bus… always running behind in the dust and exhaust, always running, but never catching it so she can sit down.

I see it very differently. If a child wants to be a doctor, he first needs to take middle school science. After passing the tests on that level, he can understand and gain from high school science. After he graduates high school, even if on the top of his class, he must take science in college again, but on a much higher level. Then he has to cram even more to take the MCATs and only then can he begin his medical studies. It’s only after a lot more tests that he can finally become a doctor.

The completion of each test does lead to a more a difficult course of study and to harder tests, but level by level, it helps one grow and increase capacity until one is ready to realize a lifelong dream. The prize for “passing the test” is not that you get to be a doctor, but that you become the person who can be a doctor.

So too with our souls. We are here to use this world and its circumstances as tools to grow and nurture our true inner selves. We are gifted with the opportunity to go from level to level, from test to test. So of course we can never “catch the bus;” there is always something more to accomplish. But I don’t feel like I’m running in the dust and exhaust.

Did you ever open a gift only to find another gift wrapped inside? And when you tear off the wrapping paper from that box you see there is another and yet another? Each one is smaller than the last, but we all know that good things come in small packages…

But I’d rather have a sparkling connection than a sparkling stone. When I learn a Torah nugget and grow through it, I feel like it is such a gift. But each time I tear off the wrapping paper and delve deeper there is a bigger gift inside, and when I open that one, the gift inside is even bigger. For me, it is a never ending journey of discovery, sometimes in text, sometimes inside myself, sometimes in relationships, sometimes in how I can feel, sometimes in what I can accomplish, sometimes in what I can’t accomplish. I love never knowing what is around the corner, but knowing with certainty that there is something good, and if I reach for it, really stretch, I can have it.

Sometimes the workshops are really hard. Like seeing a baby turn blue and rushing him to the hospital, or dealing with a defiant child, or having very judgmental relatives, or having a school reach the end of its tolerance or ability for one of your children, or losing a friend, or losing a job. And sometimes they are even harder.

Jewish Meditation

One of my “in the moment” coping strategies is a Jewish form of meditation. I have a few verses that I use to help me focus my energy and shape my experience. Sometimes I sing them, making up a tune. Sometimes I chant them over and over. Sometimes I visualize each letter in my mind’s eye. Sometimes I can squeeze just saying it once into the trying moment. For scary times, I say the last line of Adon Olam, “God is with me, I will not fear.” For confusing times, especially for times when I think the circumstance “should” be different, I say, “There is nothing else but God.” When I want to elevate my mood, I say a line from Hallel, “This is the day God has made, let us rejoice and be happy therein.” When I am brimming with thankfulness, I say, “Give thanks to God, His kindness is everlasting.” It is important to find verses that personally resonate. I settled on these after looking around a bit for what I really liked.

Trust & Acceptance

Another important strategy is building trust and acceptance. I work on really feeling: “Things are just the way they are supposed to be.” “I am being challenged at my growth point.” “I am capable of doing what is necessary to not only get through this, but to grow through this.” The tool I use for that is prayer. I do a lot of direct talking to God, in whatever words come at the time, like talking to a caring father.

And I use the siddur. In the morning blessings where it says “who makes for me all my needs” I try to think in two ways: Thank you God for taking care of all my needs (if I don’t have it, I must not need it, please help me accept that), and also, Thank you God for creating all my needs. (I wouldn’t need what I need unless You made me need it. You must think this need is good for me. Please help me feel thankful for it.)

Our holes are not mistakes. They are opportunities to become co-creators with God, to fill in the blanks He left for us.

Building trust, feeling bitachon, is a long term process. Each attempt creates an additional layer, even if very thin. But, eventually they add up. I try to add layers when I say blessings on food. The blessing “that everything was made according to His word” helps me remember that “this situation (whatever is happening right now) is designed by God, it couldn’t be this way unless He desires it”. If He made it, it must be good, even if it’s hard. The after-blessing “who creates many types of life and their deficiencies” reminds me that even missing pieces are gifts.

Sometimes I compare people to Swiss cheese. Swiss cheese has holes by design, and so do we; our holes are not mistakes. They are opportunities to become co-creators with God, to fill in the blanks He left for us, to create ourselves in the image of our choosing. Whether it’s a hole in myself, or in someone I am dealing with, I strive to see it as an asset rather than as a liability.

Expanding Who We Are

For prolonged challenges I could do nothing less than change and grow into a new person on a daily, and sometimes on an hourly, basis. As Jews, it is our first, and perhaps most powerful, tool. Immediately after we exited Egypt, God commanded us about the new month and said (according to Rav Hirsch) “this newness shall be to you the first of newnesses” Ex. 12:2. A deeper level of meaning tells us, “Don’t be stuck how or who you are. Make yourself new. It’s in your hands, take the initiative, become who you chose to be.”

The strategy I use for that is tucked inside a verse many say on a daily basis, “God, open up my lips that my mouth will declare your praise” (Ps. 51:15). In Hebrew the word for “my lips” (safatai) can also mean my borders (as in sefat hayam) or my boundaries. So I have this thought in mind: “God, I am only this big, I am limited in my accomplishments, and whatever I have achieved so far, I am not big enough to handle the task at hand. So, please God, open up my boundaries and allow me to flow to places that I have never flowed to before. But please, don’t let that flow go all over the place. Please help me channel it so that my mouth shall declare your praise. Please help me be Your servant and do Your will.”

Even if the train hits hard and it really hurts, if you catch it, you can go very far.

I say the verse as its own prayer when I need it. But I also say it in its usual place in the beginning of the silent Amidah prayer. I first take three steps back, say the verse and then take three steps forward. As I step back, I imagine actually stepping out of my former self and leaving my limited “shape” behind, much like a lobster molting. Then I allow myself to pray, outside my shell, in a place of hopeful vulnerability, until I am able to assume a new shape at the end of the Amida when I step back into my (hopefully) new self. I can’t say I have these thoughts every time, but when I do, they are very helpful.

It has been a very challenging and growth producing last couple of decades. But the kids are growing too, three are married, two are in college and as Doni’s high school graduation approached last spring, I told my husband that I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. He laughed and teased as he told me that that light is actually an oncoming train.

Who would have thought his words would be so true? I thought about them as the freight train of Doni’s death slammed into our family. But over the years I have learned: even if the train hits hard and it really hurts, if you catch it, you can go very far.

May we all merit to catch the trains and ride them far, deep into our new selves.

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About the Author

Aliza Bulow has been a Jewish Educator for over twenty five years teaching practical Jewish philosophy, basic Judaism and textual learning skills to adults. She was educated both in Israel and America, served in the IDF, and is now the national coordinator of Ner LeElef’s North American Woman’s Program and the Senior Educator for The Jewish Experience in Denver, Colorado. Aliza teaches both locally and nationally, mentors women who work in Jewish Adult Education and Outreach, and provides consulting for Jewish Outreach organizations across the country. Her husband and eclectic brood of young-adult children, children-in-law, grandchildren and “adopted” children offer her insights, support and opportunities to continue learning, growing and sharing.

Find more articles and recordings of dozens of Aliza's classes at ABiteOfTorah.com

Visitor Comments: 53

(52)
Elisheva,
January 26, 2015 9:32 PM

Thanks f the how to approach

Some stuff in life's tests we rather not mention only to say that things get worse if we haven 't got the coping tools. many of us assimilated jews never learned Torah skills!
thanks to years of Studying Torah w AISH i c truly say that i thank HASHEM for helping me find my true self & learned to live a more serene life. Articles like urs are the building blocks to the new me. i even wrote in my Siddur some of the strategies for coping u gave in ur article--so i c reread them and learn then and be able to use them on automatic pilot! thank u! Truly HASHEM Works in Mysterious Ways!

(51)
Laura Coughlin,
August 8, 2014 12:20 PM

Read as I sat in Hospital

Hi Aliza,
I read your words this morning as I am sitting in the hospital with my son! He is being observed for 24 hours for seizures. He is 11 months old and It has been hard not to let fear take me over! Your words helped me very much this morning . And your prayer suggestion will stick in my mind! I to have tried to face each challenge with Chaim David with Hashems plan in mind. For me and Chaim! I don't know where it will lead us but I try to build strength in it, try to remember that there is a reason for everything, and one day it will all make sense even though the pain of worry can sometimes mask that! Thank you for sharing your experience! It really helps to keep me grounded during a difficult time! May you continue to grow through your own challenges and thank you do much for sharing! Baruch Hashem for your words !

(50)
Jaya,
August 12, 2013 4:26 PM

Coping strategies .

Loved your insights and courage . You are truly qualified to write this and that is why your words sound realistic as well as profound .i specially find the idea of not just going through the tough experiences but growing through them very powerful.

(49)
Anonymous,
August 2, 2013 9:19 AM

You write so well. After reading this article, I wanted you to know that your words have made a profound impact on the way that I am looking at challenges in my life. Thank you

(48)
fanny,
July 31, 2013 6:12 PM

Wow!! You are truly an amazing person and the way you see things is truly an inspiration! May we be zoche to learn from your coping mechanisms and have complete faith in Hashem as you do!

(47)
Serena,
July 30, 2013 3:12 PM

Thank you!

You are a blessing to innumerable people through sharing this.

(46)
Laurel Alexander,
July 28, 2013 6:07 PM

thank you

I want to tell you how wonderful your article is. What a blessings for me to read this at this time. Blessings on you and your family

(45)
Anonymous,
July 26, 2013 11:51 AM

You are an inspiration to us all

I am one of those parents who has responded to and asked for advice. I can not thank you enough for your amazing insight, As you write "Things are the way they are supposed to be" it makes me ponder, how small I am in relation to Hashem's purpose for me in life and how selfish I am to think I can change things and or destiny. Esther Jungreis wrote a book Life is a Test, and only with life's challenges can we either rise above them or succumb to self-pity woe is me, why was I dealt this deck of cards. I admire your monumental, herculean strength and spirituality. I am feverishly working on the spiritual aspect and trusting in Hashem, without doubting, as iI daven every morning I am amazed at the verse, "many are the designs of man's heart, but Hashem balks at them". We think we know the answers when in reality, everything happens for a reason. I have just heard Charlie Harary an Inspiirational speaker on Returning Home, Reconnecting with Our Father After Tisha B'Av, who reminded us that Hashem is and was always there for us (like a father's unconditional love,) but it was we who abandoned him. Let your son's Doni's blessed memory be a comfort to you in knowing what a blessed lesson he is bestowing upon us all. Through tragedy there are hidden blessings. Thank-you so much for your unyielding faith in Hashem. May I live to become as steadfast in my faith. Baruch Hashem and Yasher Koach for such an awe inspiring article.

(44)
Rachel Sussman,
July 26, 2013 6:45 AM

What a beautiful article and what an amazing soul you are! Thank you.

(43)
Pat,
July 26, 2013 6:04 AM

A true blessing.

Thanks you for reminding me that no matter what , God is there to see us through.

(42)
Ben Nachem,
July 26, 2013 3:11 AM

One cannot feel one's mental anguish

My heart and prayers go out to Aliza and her family. As someone who deals with these challenges on a regular basis, I can only really wish for one thing for you: remember your heart. There will be good days and bad days but do not allow the bad days to swallow up the good ones forever. Clearly you are stronger than most but people do not understand mental health. When our brain acts mentally "different," not even we can control our feelings and sometimes actions. Most employees, friends, colleagues, and family will not notice but often mental status will control a part of our lives when we are born with certain mental chemical challenges. I do not know what happened to your son but the worst thing someone can do is blame themselves or the person. These thoughts are often out of the control of anyone and there is no understanding of the "why." Why me? Why him? Why?? The only thing we can do is keep his soul in our hearts and do our best in his merit and help others cope with their pain and look to grow and remember that there are still some good days even with the lousy/bad ones. Usually after but this will be a part of one's heart forever and that is okay. It is important to remember that heart has a lot of room and will retain these feelings probably forever and that is normal. There will be bad days but I pray that G-d will enable you to cope with the horrible days and still be able to live life and even be able to have the good days and feel it. You are an angel and your pain is shared in the hearts of strangers around the globe. I am so sorry and will try and pray more in his merit and your families. We cannot see in the cave at first but with time, we can help others find their way out of it. With love. e

(41)
abey,
July 25, 2013 6:41 PM

There is only one way & that way is faith in God, which overcomes to the word "Oversee".

(40)
Ale,
July 25, 2013 6:15 PM

Un poco largo, pero para reflexionar

(39)
Anonymous,
July 25, 2013 11:06 AM

Dear Aliza, Thank you for providing us with inspiration and giving us strength and wisdom to face and profit from our nisyanot. May Hashem bless you & your incredible family with all His blessings.Please continue to share with us your journey and may we share only good news with each other. With blessings from Israel, Simchah

(38)
Anonymous,
July 25, 2013 1:50 AM

Wow, wow, wow

Aliza, you are truly an incredible person. you are the epitome of someone who has taken her challenges and soared with them... you don't reject Hashem; you embrace Him. i wish i would be able to take His messages as well as you do... and i'm on my way after reading this article. may you always have the strength to pass the nisyonos Hashem gives you and to continue to inspire others as much as you have just now. . thank you again.

(37)
elisheva kosmerl,
July 24, 2013 8:30 AM

My heart went out to you and your family when I read the article about your son. I am trying to cope with my own struggles and I was drawn to the title of this article. You are truly a gift. Thank-you for your deep words of wisdom I will read this often and pass it on. May you be blessed~

(36)
Anonymous,
July 24, 2013 4:55 AM

Please keep writing

(35)
Chana from Chattanooga,
July 23, 2013 5:26 PM

Thank you!

You are an amzing teacher! Thank you for sharing your perspective. It is so crucial in every aspect of life.

(34)
A Mother,
July 23, 2013 4:26 PM

My journey too

Your beautiful and heartfelt story of your son's struggles and death was like reading our own son's life. He, too, suffered from mental illness and depression, and he, too, took his own life. My heart breaks for you for I know your sorrow. But you give me great hope - which I had lost for quite awhile. Especially in this essay - you have given me ways to look at our son's death in light of G-d's plan and purpose for his life and our own. I will keep this and read it often when I need to remember how to cope. Thank you and bless you.

(33)
Anonymous,
July 23, 2013 3:16 PM

I'm confused

I really get a lot our of your articles, Aliza, but in reading this one all I could think of is 'what of our children'? One could almost think that Hashem gave us difficult children for our sake. But what of the child himself? Is this all about us? What of the child who cannot get to the point of accepting his problem and going beyond it?

(32)
Rivka from South Africa,
July 23, 2013 12:14 PM

Aliza may Hashems give you ongoing koach,! Thanks for sharing so honestly. We too have a child (first born) with a mental illness and the torment needs constantly be seen as refinement! May we all get naches from our children!

Phew!

(31)
Tzippyrosengarten,
July 23, 2013 6:38 AM

You are a true inspiration with practical thoughts that can help me every day. Thank you so much for sharing that beautiful article about dani but more than that your insights into how to think about our challenges. Truly amazing. Thank you. May Hashems give you the strength to go from chayil el chayil

(30)
Anonymous,
July 23, 2013 3:13 AM

I am awed!

I wish I could borrow some of your emotional energy/stregnth, as well as unbelievable Emunah and Bitachon. I have my own personal challenges, and feel truly humbled by your words.

(29)
Anonymous,
July 23, 2013 1:02 AM

Deep Insights

Thank you once again for beautifully chronicaling your deep and loving insights and sharing them with us.

(28)
Anonymous,
July 22, 2013 11:21 PM

This came at the right time

This article came at just the right time.

(27)
Anonymous,
July 22, 2013 1:54 PM

A friend from Denver writes

Aliza again I am amazed by you and very inspired. The challenge for so many of us believing humans is not is there Ha Shem - but does He love? Very specifially does He care for me - my family? Be Well and much love to you and all you all

(26)
Chana,
July 22, 2013 12:59 PM

Wisdom

Thank you for sharing your wisdom!

(25)
Jacenty Domanski,
July 22, 2013 9:49 AM

The above is like my life.

Thank G-d very inspiring artricle. All the events I can find im my life, and all inspired me every day for my spiritual grow.

(24)
Stan Feingold,
July 22, 2013 6:55 AM

Very good content for dealing with life

I can also share that for about 6 decades, my morning mantra that I sing in the shower has been "I will rejoice, I will be glad; for this is the day that God hath made and this is the way that I have made. Also, (like Poet Wilcox) I believe "Whatever IS, is best." Thanks for the good article.

(23)
Richard Rossner,
July 22, 2013 6:09 AM

Practical Spirituality

Very deep, very profound, very beautiful. Your approach isn't simply a consolation to anyone going through difficult times, it is enormously practical. Thank you.

(22)
Tony,
July 22, 2013 6:03 AM

This totally resonated with me. Bless you.

This email was absolutely brilliant, brilliant in its simplicity and complexity, in its ability to illuminate so much about how things work according to her perspective but so similar to what is espoused in the Zohar.

(21)
lynn Finson,
July 22, 2013 5:55 AM

incredible emunah

You never cease to amaze me with your wisdom and unending emunah. May we be zocheh to incorporate what you have learned into our own challenges. Thank you and brachot that you should have strength to continue in all that you do. I think of you so often.

(20)
David Reich,
July 22, 2013 5:16 AM

Thank you.

My bracha to you is that you should always see HaShem's face no matter how concealed He may choose to be. You're a gem and an inspiration, and I'm an instant fan of yous. Keep it up!

(19)
Margie,
July 22, 2013 5:07 AM

NACHAMU , NACHAMU AMI

Dear Aliza, I read yr first heart breaking article about yr sons death. My Neshama hurt for you. But, in this second article.. I want you to know that you brought chizuk and NECHAMA to me and I am sure, every single person that will read it. May Hashem also send you DOUBLE comfort n Nechama and on this day of Tu B'av, somehow bring you again joy in your life n fill ALL of yr cheese holes w nothing but simcha and nachas and good health for you and your family.. Till 120!

(18)
Oriayerry,
July 22, 2013 4:29 AM

Encouraging

This was very well written, and encouraging!

(17)
Anonymous,
July 22, 2013 4:25 AM

Thank you!

Thank you so much for sharing, Aliza. Being a parent of "challenging" and "challenged" children is so difficult sometimes; additional ways to focus on growth are extremely helpful.

(16)
Rivka Malka Perlman,
July 22, 2013 3:07 AM

This is a guide for life!

Aliza, your words couldnt be truer - you didn't get to be the woman who wrote this masterpiece of faith - you BECAME this woman. Your work on yourself through the challenges Hashem has sent you has polished you up like a diamond. And now, in your pain, your light is shining ever brighter.

(15)
Anonymous,
July 22, 2013 2:11 AM

Excellent

Excellent article as we have struggled with challenges with our children and an extended hospital stays that my wife has had I have used many of the same tools, albeit I have struggled as i don't' have strong Jewish background and have had to learn allot at the same time. Probably part of my learning path

(14)
Judles,
July 21, 2013 9:56 PM

THANK YOU

My daughter's death a year ago impacted my life. Now, after yezeit with family and friends these words have ignited the insight within me. I will keep these words close to my heart as I recover from the challenge of my life.

(13)
Anonymous,
July 21, 2013 9:33 PM

Inspiring

I thank you for sharing how you draw strength from our traditional prayers and detail your approach to your own kavannah. I wish there was more group and individual spiritual support in the Jewish tradition,as there are in Christian circles. There are some, but it is not for general spiritual needs where psychotherapy cannot serve. I appreciate the wisdom you gained and generously shared. Toda rabah.

(12)
Anonymous,
July 21, 2013 7:22 PM

Thank You for Writing this Piece

Thank you for such a beautifully written and very inspiring article. Although my challenges have been very different from yours, the coping strategies you describe can be used by so many and I will add them to those I already use.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. May G-d bless you with continued strength and faith.

(11)
Gail,
July 21, 2013 7:07 PM

All I can say is, it brought a load of tears to my eyes. Somehow I need a lot of reminding of how things are just the way they are supposed to be!
Thank You,Aleeza

(10)
Leah,
July 21, 2013 7:03 PM

I read this article after facing a big test of my own today. Your approach on tests and how they make us grow really spoke to me. Thanks for sharing.
I really liked the coping strategies by saying those pesukim.

(9)
Anonymous,
July 21, 2013 7:03 PM

Your inspiring words speak to me

Although I am not an observant Jew, I am a proud Jew whoserves my Shul and my community.You are a gifted writer that helps me with your spiritual andpractical teachings.Thank you.

(8)
Anonymous,
July 21, 2013 6:27 PM

My Dear ALiza we, the klal yisrael , who are supposed to give and wish you comfort are finding ourselves being comforted by your beautiful words , thanks to people like YOU AND YOUR FAMILY that take such nissyonot and challenges to such high level and survive it with grace we will deserve mashiach to come faster , so I want to thank you and your family on behalf of every yid for being such loyal children of Hashem avinou shebashamayim MAY HASHEM BLESS YOU NOW ON WITH GOOD HEALTH AND EVERLADTING JOY WITH AL MEMBETS OF YOUR FAMILY AMD MAY WE MERIT MASHIACH NOW SO WE CAN REUNITE WITH OUR LOVE ONES AMEN AMEN

(7)
Anonymous,
July 21, 2013 6:15 PM

forgiveness

I think the first thing a person needs in order to triumph over trying times is forgiveness if we find in our hearts to truly forgive. we could start embracing and loving Hashem.

(6)
Linda,
July 21, 2013 6:14 PM

Better than chocolate!

Thank you for such encouraging words.
"Torah is better than chocolate"- how true!
And to remember this is all because God is our loving father and loves us so much- to desire to develop our character, to bring God glory through our response to life. He truly is good and loving all the time- even when we don't understand.
I am a widow and have been through many trying times, but have found God to be my loving, faithful husband, just as He promised He would do!
Thank you! Bless you!

(5)
Channa,
July 21, 2013 6:08 PM

Aliza, you are a blessed teacher

Aliza, you make me see and understand things different now. as a new immigrant to Israel finally after so many challenges and changes in life being now on the way to become a busdriver...
you show how much H" loves his people, his creation.
thank you Aliza. you are a great person encouraging all of us.
may your son's memory be for a blessing.

(4)
Anonymous,
July 21, 2013 4:54 PM

Belief

I am not going to say this was not an excellent read; it is. I need to ask though what if ones challenges in addition to the daily stuff e.g. a child with bi-polar, one is at best an agnostic and probably no longer a believer?

Terri McMichael,
July 21, 2013 5:32 PM

Try to believe

I know its hard to believe sometimes, I have such a spiritual battle at times....but then, when you pray, and really put your troubles in his hands, he comes through. ...every hardship is Gods way if making us stronger....

(3)
Yisef,
July 21, 2013 4:34 PM

Great, great, great!!

One of the best pieces I have read here at Aish.....and I love them all....I'll be hanging on to this one.....I'm sure I'll read it many times......thanks for your perspective.......!

(2)
Anonymous,
July 21, 2013 2:39 PM

Beautiful outlook and encouragement. Thank you. May your son's memory be for a blessing.

(1)
Anonymous,
July 21, 2013 1:36 PM

beautiful words

Aliza, your words are a gift... When I saw your name in the byline, I said to myself, "This is an article I have to read..." Having read your other articles, and read about some of the challenges you have faced as well as the inspiration that emanates, I knew your words this time would also be just what I needed to hear. As someone who also has many challenges, I feel I can accept words of comfort from someone who "has been there," who understands on a very real level. Reading your touching thoughts and very practical, tangible ideas were like life-giving water on very parched soil... it was like getting a virtual hug with a whisper, "You can do it, hang in there, keep growing." May your faith and inspiration be a merit for your beautiful son z"l, and for your family.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...