My earliest memory is of my mom chowing down on my toes while changing my diaper. So now I smother Fox’s feet in kisses when I change his. On Sundays she would bake me biscuits from scratch and smother them in honey – I can’t wait to start a weekend breakfast tradition for my own family (once Fox is on solids). But etched forever into my memory of childhood is my mom’s blue robe. I remember cuddling in that space between sleep and awake, hypnotized by the terry cloth texture of that robe during our nap time together. That blue robe was the uniform for unconditional love. The kind of love I want to blanket my own baby in.

So I have this pink Canyon Group chenille robe with red lips. It’s super weighted, cozy, and warm but it doesn’t quite fit the badass post-apocalyptic aesthetic I’m going for (well, except that Brad Pitt, who we can all agree is pretty badass, rocks the coffee mug Canyon Group robe in Fight Club). Within the last year I’ve attempted to give it to Goodwill but it never quite made it to the ongoing “donate” pile I have stashed in the back of my closet. I’m glad because I found extra comfort in it while laboring with Fox … and then again after a particularly rough middle-of-the-night new mom meltdown last week. A meltdown in which I found myself crying in a bath with lavender oil, Epsom salts, and desperation – hoping that I could get my shit together before the next feeding. I was feeling anything but a warrior momma. So I crawled back into bed sporting my decidedly not badass pink robe with oversized kisses on it.

I picked up a fussy Fox and began to nurse him, hoping my sadness wasn’t tainting his food. The thought crossed my mind that I might be a shell of myself for the rest of my life. That’s when Fox in all his unsophisticated coordination, swiped his hand across my pink robe – the texture of it captured his attention and he grabbed on. In that moment I fell a little deeper in love. The unconditional kind.

i like this story (minus the bad stuff of course – but then again it makes a nice contrast for the good stuff) and I still can’t believe you have memories that early on in life. I dont think I remember much before the age of 5 and most of being 5 at disney world is pretty fuzzy to me. I wonder if there is a way to get those early memories back. Also – am i the only one who doesn’t remember anything of baby/toddlerhood?

My mama had a robe when I was little – I only barely remember her wearing it. It is red and fluffy, with a hood and a zipper. It says “Snug as a bug” on the front. It is mine now, and when I wear it (usually over my jammies on cold nights) I feel extra loved. And interestingly, my dog also likes it when I wear it… she likes the texture I think, so I get extra puppy snuggles.

Pretty wild that you remember your own diaper changes. And people are so impressed that I remember a little about being 2! That’s nothin’ compared to you.

I know we are mostly internet acquaintances… but for what it is worth I have no doubt that you are a warrior momma and you will pull through it all.

I love this. Kathleen, you are a force of good in the world. Those wee-hour emptiness anxieties are powerful. I know you’ll lean in and find your way back to remembering the peace at the heart of it all ~ as you’ve coached me to remember on more than one occasion.

Oh, I love this, Kathleen. My mom had a pink robe with blue flowers on it that she wore from the time I was an infant to the end of her life. It sits in the bottom of my dresser drawer now and still smells like her a bit. After she died I had this dream of her and she was healthy, and she was wearing her pink robe. Something about the memory of her in that robe just symbolizes everything she was to me – a place of comfort.

I love this post!! My mom had a wonderful terry robe when I was younger … She practically lived in it on the weekends, and I’ve always wanted one as well. Thanks for reminding me of that wonderful memory.

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