Hello dairy, Today something terrible happened, my personal hero J. F Kennedy has died. He has been shot by a coward which I hope the government will find soon and give the punishment he deserve. It should have been just a normal day today, I had a basketball match to play against “The Bronx Kings”, but then the awful thing happened whit JFK. I am sure it hat been a game to remember. As you know I am the top goal scorer in the whole league and if I just had kept my average scoring in this last game I had been the top goal scorer of the year. By the way that is not the only competition I am about to win, Johnny and Lloyd from the team will soon own me 200 fresh dollars each. At the start of the basket season we made a bet about which of us who could get most dates with the teams cheerleaders. I have dated 5 and the sixth was supposes to get in my notebook today.

Now John F. Kennedy is dead and the world is completely different. I am sure there will be a huge ceremony in the memory of Kennedy soon. When I just got the news I could not believe it. There was a group out in the locker room who was talking about the murder, and I decided to join the group and get new information’s about my hero. They did not know more about it than me, but one of the girls told me that the TV-stations would have the story “running” all day. When I heard that, watching TV become the number one priority of the day, of the month, of the hole year. I had to know more about this story, could it really be true, deep inside me I knew it was true but I could not accept it. Not JFK not the greatest president of all times. He could not die, not just like that.

And dairy you will not believe what happened then, not that it was anything compared to the Presidents death, but anyway. Holly Jane Rahlens, you know The girl I should have been on a date with, joint the group and started talking to me about such a unimportant thing that I got sick. She asked about we still could have an ice and a soda. She must be the most uncaring person in the hole world, how could she think about “ice and soda” know. I could not control myself I told here what I meant about here selfish thinking. Afterwards she asked about I would go home to here house and se the whole JFK thing, it was a little sweet of here, but one of the other girls in the group had a color-TV, and I really did not want to lose anything of my number one priority, so I said no and walk home with the other girl, which name by the way was Glenda.

The TV-program was a bit of a disappointment, the journalists did not tell much else then that Kennedy was killed. Glenda was really sweet, almost “over sweet”, I think she likes me just like all the other girls. I tell you dairy it’s sure is a good thing to be the basketball captain.

Back at home both my parents was crying, I have seen my mother crying before but never my father. I understand why they cried but I still felt a little awkward about seeing my father crying. At that moment I realized even more how serious this situation was, fore my family and fore the hole world.

Now I am sitting in my bed and writing in this dairy. When I think back on this day I am sure I will remember it in a long time, I will remember this day forever. But all though I of course will remember this day because of Kennedy. There now is a thing in my mind I first have thourd of now a few minutes before my bedtime. That girl Holly, she liked me a lot, and I was really hard on here, now I regret and hope that she will give me another chance. But dairy, of course she will, I am the captain of the basket team.

I’m an English learner from Japan. I was fascinated with your story. When JFK was assassinated on November 22, 1963, I too was a high school boy (though I was neither a basket team’s captain nor a girls’ idol). I still remember that day clearly. That was the very day they began to send US’s TV programs to Japan directly through a communication satellite. I was stuck to the TV, waiting for the first program that should be something like Andy William’s show. But alas, the first image appeared on the TV was the one that JFK was falling down onto the car seat. It was really one of the saddest days in my life too.

I think you are a very good writer. You made some mistakes but they are rather trivial ones. I myself am not good at writing English, but if you don’t mind it, let me try to correct your writing. I hope some native speakers re-check my correction.

Hello Diary! Today something terrible happened. My personal hero J. F Kennedy has died. He has been shot by a coward, who I hope the government will find soon and give the punishment he deserves. It should have been just a normal day today. I had a basketball match to play against “The Bronx Kings”, but then the awful thing happened whit JFK. I am sure it is (will be) a game to remember. As you know, I am one of the best goal scorers in the whole league, and if I just had kept my average scoring in this last game I would have been the top goal scorer of the year. By the way that is not the only competition I am about to win. Johnny and Lloyd from the team will soon owe me 200 dollars each. At the start of the basket season we made a bet about who among us could get most dates with the team’s cheerleaders. I have dated 5 and the sixth was supposes to get in my notebook today.

Now John F. Kennedy is dead and the world will be completely different. I am sure there will be a huge ceremony in the memory of Kennedy soon. When I got the news I could not believe it. There was a group out in the locker room who were talking about the murder, and I decided to join the group and get new information’s about my hero. But they did not know anymore than me, but one of the girls told me that TV-stations would have the story “running” all day (long). When I heard that, I thought watching TV will become my number one priority of today, of this month, and of the whole of this year. I have to know more about this story. Could it really be true? Deep inside me I know it is true, but I cannot accept it. It shouldn’t be my JFK, the greatest President of all times. He shouldn’t have died, not just like that way.

And Diary, you won’t believe what happened then, though it was nothing compared to the Presidents death, anyway. Holly Jane Rahlens, you know, the girl I had dated before, joined the group and started talking to me about such an unimportant thing that made me sooo sick. She asked if we could have an iced soda water still now. She must be the stupidest person in the whole world, how could she think about such a thing like “iced soda water” at this very moment. I could not control myself and I told her what I felt about her selfish thinking. Afterwards she asked me if I would like to go to her house and see the whole JFK thing. It was a little sweet of her, but another girl in the group said she had a color-TV, and I really did not want to lose anything of my number one priority. So I said ‘no’ to Holly. And I went with the ‘color-TV’ girl to her house. The girl’s name, by the way, is Glenda.

The TV program was a bit of disappointment. The journalists did not tell much else than that Kennedy was killed. Glenda was really sweet, almost “over sweet”, I think she likes me a lot just like all the other girls like me. I tell you, Diary, it’s surely a good thing to be the basketball team’s captain.

When I got back home, my parents were both crying. I had seen my mother crying before but never my father. I understood why they were crying but I still felt a little awkward about seeing my father crying. At that moment I realized even more clearly how serious this situation was, for my family and for the whole world.

Now I am sitting in my bed and writing this diary. When I think back on this day, I am sure I will remember it for a long time. I will remember this day forever, of course, because of Kennedy. Now there is a thing that came to my mind a few minutes before I got in bed. I know she, that girl Holly, likes me a lot. Nevertheless I was badly hard to her today. Now I regret it and I hope that she will give me another chance. And Diary, you can be sure she certainly will do so, because I am the captain of the basket team.

I agree the phrase "just like" is someway redundant. As to the choice between "this" and "that", it will depend on how the writer takes the event of the President's assassination. If he felt the event happened very near to him, he might have used "this". Maybe Jacqueline Kennedy could cry "Oh no, Jack, you shouldn’t have died this way".

As to “a bit of a disappointment”, you are right. “Disappointment” can be uncountable as well as countable, and I thought “a bit of disappointment” would be also possible. But “a bit of a disappointment” is much more idiomatic. As to the “much else other than”, I feel this “other” is somehow redundant. I feel “much else than” is not so bad, though “much other than” would be more colloquial. As to “Kennedy’s assassination”, it’s nice. But if we try to respect what our questioner wrote, we might correct it as “than the fact that Kennedy was killed”.

Just a few minor adjustments on your fine job of revision, including corrections of what may have just been typos. (I didn't get too critical of punctuation because it's too often too debatable).

Hello Diary! Today something terrible happened. My personal hero J. F Kennedy has died. He has been shot by a coward, who I hope the government will find soon and give him the punishment he deserves. It should have been just a normal day today. I had a basketball match to play against “The Bronx Kings”, but then the awful thing happened to JFK. I am sure it is (will be) a game to remember. As you know, I am one of the best goal scorers in the whole league, and if I just had kept my average scoring in this last game I would have been the top goal scorer of the year. By the way that is not the only competition I am about to win. Johnny and Lloyd from the team will soon owe me 200 dollars each. At the start of the basketball season we made a bet about who among us could get the most dates with the team’s cheerleaders. I have dated five and the sixth was supposed to [be written into?] my notebook today.

Now John F. Kennedy is dead and the world will be completely different. I am sure there will soon be a huge ceremony in his memory of Kennedy soon . When I got the news I could not believe it. There was a group out in the locker room who were talking about the murder, and I decided to join the group and get new information about my hero. But they did not know any more than I did, but one of the girls told me that TV-stations would have the story “running” all day (long). When I heard that, I thought , "Watching TV will become my number one priority of today, of this month, and of the whole of this year." I have to know more about this story. Could it really be true? Deep inside me I know it is true, but I cannot accept it. It shouldn’t be my JFK, the greatest President of all times. He shouldn’t have died, not just like that way.

And Diary, you won’t believe what happened then, though it was nothing compared to the President's death anyway . Holly Jane Rahlens, you know, the girl I had dated before, joined the group and started talking to me about such an unimportant thing that it made me so sick. She asked if we could have an iced soda water still . She must be the stupidest person in the whole world. How could she think about such a thing like “iced soda water” at this very moment. I could not control myself and I told her what I felt about her selfish thinking. Afterwards she asked me if I would like to go to her house and see the whole JFK thing. It was a little sweet of her, but another girl in the group said she had a color-TV, and I really did not want to miss anything about my number one priority. So I said ‘no’ to Holly. And I went with the ‘color-TV’ girl to her house. The girl’s name, by the way, is Glenda.

The TV program was a bit of a disappointment. The journalists did not tell much more than that Kennedy was killed. Glenda was really sweet, almost “too sweet”. I think she likes me a lot just like all the other girls do. I tell you, Diary, it’s surely a good thing to be the basketball team’s captain.

When I got back home, my parents were both crying. I had seen my mother crying before but never my father. I understood why they were crying but I still felt a little awkward about seeing my father crying. At that moment I realized even more clearly how serious this situation was, for my family and for the whole world.

Now I am sitting in my bed and writing this diary. When I think back on this day, I am sure I will remember it for a long time. I will remember this day forever, of course, because of Kennedy. Now there is a thing that came to my mind a few minutes before I went to bed. I know she, that girl Holly, likes me a lot. Nevertheless I was too hardon her today. Now I regret it and I hope that she will give me another chance. And Diary, you can be sure she certainly will do so, because I am the captain of the basketball team.

Thank you for the correction. To review a composition written by a learner is a job too tough to me. What I always worry about in such a job is whether we should correct an expression that is not completely incorrect. The biggest mistake I made in the revision was I failed to notice “basket team” is completely wrong. I am wondering what language the original questioner uses as his mother tongue. Some of us Japanese would also say “basket team” to mean “basketball team”, though they never say “base team” for “baseball team”.