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Those Crazy Kims

You mean the ski resort? Pretty hilarious. North Korea is so bonkers . . . and those Kims, I mean, like, how weird can you get?

Hmmm . . .

What do you mean—hmmm? North Korea’s starving and the latest Kim-dude goes and builds a friggin’ luxury ski resort. North Korea is totally fucked, man. Don’t tell me you’re gonna start arguing about that, too.

I wasn’t gonna argue. I was just gonna point out—

Bullshit. I know you. You weren’t just gonna point out anything. You were gonna proclaim that North Korea—contrary to what everybody in the whole friggin’ world knows for a fact—is an awesome place.

Actually, before you interrupted me, I was just gonna point out—

Sure you were . . . just like you proclaim that cigarette smoking is healthy and—

I never said cigarette smoking was healthy. I just said it has its benefits—

Yeah, right. And the Marlboro man has had more positive impact on humanity than the Mona Lisa, JFK, and a bunch of other people. I think you even included Einstein.

I don’t remember mentioning Einstein.

Well you did. And your spiel about the Marlboro Man being a working-class hero? A hero who chooses to die for what he believes in rather than live enslaved under the arbitrary rules of pseudo-scientists and petty bureaucrats?

Glad to hear you’ve been paying attention.

You know you only say all that shit because you’re a contrarian. You’re the guy who feels compelled to deny what everyone else has agreed upon. Climate change, and modified DNA, and all that kind of shit. You’re not interested in the truth—you’re only interested in arguing for the sake of arguing.

I’m not a contrarian.

See. There you go again.

Very cute. But if North Korea is so bad how come we have such a good time laughing at it?

Because it’s ridiculous?

But doesn’t it bother you that almost everything we see and hear about North Korea and the Kims comes off as ridiculous?

Either you laugh or you cry, man. Take your pick.

Obviously we have chosen to laugh. We want to be entertained. Do we really care about North Korea? Maybe people are starving, and maybe the blockades just make that worse, but nobody gives a shit because it’s so hilarious that Kim-what’s-his-face made nine holes-in-one on his first golf game ever.

I believe it was eleven holes-in-one and you’ve got to admit that is pretty hilarious.

And maybe there are really 200,000 political prisoners, but who can be bothered with details like that when we can watch Dennis Rodman singing Happy Birthday for His Royal Highness Kim in the middle of a basketball game. For us, North Korea is the Saturday Night Live of nations. And Kim Jong-un is Will Ferrell.

Will Ferrell doesn’t machine gun down rival comedians and SNL doesn’t threaten us with nuclear warfare.

You don’t get it, man. I’m not defending the Kim dudes. I just want you to consider why so much of what you see or hear about North Korea is comedy. A lot of countries and leaders do nasty-bad shit on a daily basis without us making jokes about it. Why North Korea?

You tell me.

Because we just can’t resist making fun of chubby, little oriental dudes with weird hairdos.

Now you’re ridiculous. You mean we’re ganging up on the great and glorious dear leaders when we should be feeling sorry for them? Poor little Dictator Kim – the world’s single largest consumer of Hennessy Cognac.

Remember how we used to torment Billy Rickles ’cause he was all zits? Remember when we threw rocks at Tommy Tucker?

Hey man, I never threw rocks at Tommy Tucker.

Yeah, well you called Sue Canetti, bluberball. You put worms in her sandwich. And you spiked Bruce Sorensen’s Coke with ex-lax when he went on what was probably the only date in his whole life and he shat in his pants in the movie theater.

Yeah, that was pretty funny.

There you go, dude—that’s what’s known as bullying, tormenting the less-fortunate. Pickin’ on those who can’t fight back.

We were just stupid kids. We were dickheads. We don’t do that kind of stuff anymore.

But we haven’t lost our lust for ganging up and teasing people who differ from us. It still makes us feel good. Brings us together, you know. Only now, as adults, we need an excuse to do it.

Hey, bro, how’s your Marlboro Man doin’ in North Korea? Not so good, I bet.

Why are you changing the subject?

Just wondered—that’s all. Individual freedom isn’t exactly the fashion in the Hermit Kingdom, is it?

I wouldn’t know about their tobacco consumption, but I do know they smoke a lot of marijuana.

Kiss my ass. They’d shoot you on sight.

Which shows just how much you know about North Korea. Pot is totally legal.

You’re bullshitting me.

No, I am totally not bullshitting you. Pot is one-hundred percent legal in North Korea. Google it if you don’t believe me.