"It's a boy! It's a boy!" hollered Sky News's Kay Burley either auditioning for a part in Tommy or the role of town crier, lacking only a bell, mutton chop whiskers, Pickwickian costume and the introductory catchphrase "oyez, oyez". Taking her lead from her colleagues over on Sky Sports News, she then proceeded to collar passers-by and ask them their reaction, only to be greeted by a stream of "I knows" and "sorry I'm from Spains". Meanwhile 487 million "people" took to Twitter in the race to scoop each other with the breaking news "Woman has baby", while vast numbers of people professed disinterest but rubber-necked anyway, passing comment, looking as contemptuous as Brian Sewell's sewer-sniffer face, having their cake and eating it.

And with all the supplements in this morning's newspapers, the betting odds for the third-in-line to the throne's name and pictures of easels, there's little room for summer transfer fluff. Knowing the second-in-line to the throne is such an ardent Villa fan, the Mill has had a modest wager that young prinny will end up with the moniker: "Jimmy (Nigel) Kenny Gary Allan Kenneth Dennis Desmond Gary Peter Gordon Tony Windsor". If you lump on now and it comes in, no need to thank us. One Holte End legend who does not stand a chance of being commemorated is Darren Bent, given the bum's rush by Paul Lambert and now telling a fan that he's off either to Fulham or Newcastle.

Arsenal persist in doing their impression of a 1950s ballroom wallflower, trying to look tough by chewing gum, affecting a swagger, and with a ridiculous snarl plastered over its face, trying to camouflage that it is as nervous as a kitten when it comes to asking someone to dance. Better to go home alone than compromise your standards, eh Arsène? But what's this? A £40m bid for Liverpool's Luis Suárez? Really? A £30m offer for Benfica's Salvio? The same for Manchester United's Wayne Rooney and £21m for Atlético Mineiro's Bernard? You can put these down to the sun, rather than the Sun.

The Mill only hopes that if the last of these somehow comes off, it will be agreed that the Brazil winger shall be pronounced in the English style like Bernard Cribbins rather than adopting the swanky second syllable stress of a frankly deluded rest of the world.

Monday's Evening Standard believed that Tottenham had lost out on Valencia's Roberto Soldado because they were £10m short of the £25m asking price. But Franco Baldini, the Spurs technical director, has not given up and, under strict instructions from Daniel Levy is continuing negotiations thus: "£15,000,001?"

"No."

"£15,000,002?"

"No."

"£15,000,003?"

"No."

"£15,000,004?"

Expect hardball Tottenham to get their man at 11.59pm on transfer deadline day. Or not. Baldini is making things interesting by simultaneously conducting another round of bargaining, this one for Lyon's Lisandro López. Expect hardball Tottenham to get their man at 11.59pm on transfer deadline day. Or, indeed, not.

Liverpool, who had thought to be interested in Soldado as a cunning plan should Suárez do one, are in Valencia too, but negotiating a one-season loan for the France left-back Aly Cissokho, who would cost them a fee of £850,000 for a borrow. In other striking news, Fabio "arguably the best physical player I've worked with in terms of his pace, power and fitness" Borini is being eyed up by Lazio, also for a season-long loan.

And finally, long-standing friend of Joey Barton, the former Wolves captain Karl Henry, is expected to sign for QPR for £1m. Given that Barton once called "Kelvin Henry" a Sunday league player who "should keep his trap firmly shut" while "Kelvin" called Barton "embarrassing", it seems clear that Harry Redknapp is demonstrating extreme dedication to the cause of persuading Barton to stay at Loftus Road. Clever old Aitch.