Touching down in New Zealand is like walking into the uncanny valley. It looks normal, but something about it feels off. I hope this doesn't bode poorly for my future. Through a series of strange occurances, I find myself in possession of a wrestling promotion called "ZEN - The Art of Wrestling." Quite the start for my career in the wrestling industry.

I find my way to the company headquarters, which doubles as their training facility. I'm greeted by a few of the workers (Some of which I'm sure already distrust me), and am shown my new office.

I was told to do what I want with ZEN, but after my initial research of the company, I don't feel like changing too much. There's a lack of fun wrestling in the world, and I feel like ZEN can fill that niche quite well. Just need to change a few expectations for our shows, and I'll be good to go.

I log into my computer, and I am greeted by a database left up showing the ZEN roster, along with some links to show a database of all the workers in the world. That's quite the intimidating list to look through, but luckily they have filters that allow me to search based off some notes left by our scouts.

After scouting the talent pool that's nearby, I float a contract to Dazzler. My first taste of cooperate power. The Dazzler isn't much to write home about; solid worker with an interesting look. I think I'll give him a heel gimmick as an erotic dancer. People should like watching him getting thrown around the ring.

Next, I make an offer to Jimmy Stratosphere. He's a find on the unemployment market. Born of Japanese parents in Hawaii and now working in Austraila, the young man's got quite the world experience already. Good worker with a pretty good look. He's definitely a piece I can build for the future. I could probably write him as a laid back kind of guy, might suit him well.

Well, that's enough office work for now. Time to walk the facilities and get used to my new home.

Well, today sucked. Ended up releasing two employees who didn't quite fit with the rest of the roster. I apologized profusely to Killer B and Shaolin, but I feel like they're not going to want to work with me for a long time. Here's hoping that the people still with ZEN don't view me too harshly. Maybe I'll make it up to them later with a pizza party or something. Dazzler and Jimmy Stratosphere both agreed to the contract offers, so I welcome them to Zen, and watch them go through a training regiment.

It's been suggested to me by Necromancer that if I'm interested in performing for the promotion, I should start off on the commentary booth. I asked Sparky Sparks and Alex Arturro if they'd mind taking me under their wing for a few shows. The two seemed alright with it, though I wonder how much of that is due to me simply being their boss. Looking over the roster again, I come to the realization that this is an extremely young group of guys. This should be good, as we can all learn with each other.

I sent out one more contract this week, this time to "The Phat Man" Crazy Train. My thinking was that my roster is full of lightweights, so a big heavyweight might be a good guy for them to pinball off of. I can't make too many signings like this though, as I don't want to get too far away from the Luchadore styled fun that ZEN is known for.

After a stressful week, I think I'm almost settled in here at ZEN. We've got our first show coming up in about ten days. I'm nervous, but it it's kind of exciting. Getting my first taste of professional wrestling, not as a fan, but a performer, is going to be one hell of an adrenaline rush.

Well, it's time for my first show: ZEN - Way of the Dreamer. We're running it out of the ZEN Temple, which is a ring in the middle of a local martial arts academy that's apparently owned by Halloween Knight's father. I'm not going to complain. Seems like a quaint place to hold a show. Better than that shady looking comic book store a few blocks over.

I think we'll keep this show simple: cap it off with the ZEN Harmony Champions of X-War, that is X-Calibre and Man O' War, retaining over the Dark Knights of Halloween Knight and Necromancer. I think coming out of intermission, I'll do a Conceptual Title defense. I get that this is a comedy promotion, but the Conceptual Championship seems silly. Pumpkin Jack will retain against Toady. I hear he's the first ever ZEN Dojo graduate, so this'll be a good progress test for him.

Booking is a lot harder than I thought it'd be, as I struggled to figure out how to place the matches. I want Dazzler to have a good debut, so he's going on to open the show, defeating the rookie Blue Flea. Dazzler's got some experience that should do them both well. ALso, having Jimmy Stratosphere debut right after him against Damian Dastardly, a student of Guru Vishni, who's some shaman man thing. I don't feel confident writing out promos right now, so I left that in Classy Paul Massey's hands. He seems to have a good head for this crazy world.

Well, it's 7 o'clock... time to start the show.

Journal Entry
Saturday 2, January 2013
Post-Show

Well, that was quite the show...

I got my first taste of competition in the pre-show tonight against some guy who thought he came through a wormhole or something. Took a low blow from Guru Vishni and a piledriver variant called the "Goatee Driver" tonight. I ache from head to toe, but it was nice to get between the ropes for real. I was definitely nervous being on commentary tonight, but luckily Sparky Sparks and The Alex Arturro Experience (he was VERY adamant about me using that full moniker). Massey helpe dwrite some promos for people that were... quite off the wall. I'm kind of glad he's here to write for those guys, I don't think I'd be able to do it. Maybe in time I'll able to write, but for now, I'll stick to just blocking out the shows.

Classy Massey told me to give a speech to some workers backstage, letting them know how I felt about their performance. I was unsure, so I just went ahead and complimented the tag champs and one of their opponents.

Journal Entry: Saturday 2, February 2013
Well, tonight’s the night of my second show as owner of ZEN. I decided to trust more in my supporting staff to help me put this show together than I did for Way of the Dreamer. The month leading up to this show was relatively quiet, no new signings, no new incidents, or anything like that. Going over the books for last month, I noticed that we turned a $9,000 profit in January. I have never seen that much money in all of my life, and yet, here I am, running a wrestling promotion that is making money off of sponsorships. I guess keeping the sponsors happy is higher on my priority list than I originally thought.

I will admit, running the day to day operations can be tiring, but actually getting out there to perform is quite the experience. I’m kinda glad they have been keeping me out of the ring for the most part. Being behind the desk is a much more comfortable experience, away from the eyes of the fans. I heard what they said to Blue Flea. Poor guy. I feel like I should try to cheer him up somehow. I wish I could figure out the reason why the crowd hates him so much. Maybe I can turn that into heel heat down the line, if it continues.

Well, it’s almost show time, so it’s time for me to head to the ZEN Temple for pre-show walkthroughs before we open the doors. I’m on the main card for the first time as a wrestler tonight. Thankfully though, I’m going to be teaming with The Sky Kings tonight. Working with these veterans should keep me from getting to jittery.

Alright, it’s time for Way of the Scholar. Time to get out on that booth for pre-show. It’s a good thing there’s some time between the pre-show and the opening match. Should be enough time for me to get changed.

We kick the show off with newcomer Crazy Train facing off against SubUrban Legend. We spend the opening part of the match marveling at the size of Crazy Train, noting that he’s the largest member of the ZEN roster. The 181 kg mountain of a man throws around the smaller SubUrban Legend for a part of the match. SubUrban Legend tries to come back, but it’s quickly put to an abrupt halt. I make a mental note that Crazy Train was gassed by the end of this one. Well, there goes any main event hopes I may have had for him. I’ll need to check on SubUrban later, that Train Stop looked like it might have hurt.

Next up, it’s the ZEN Harmony Champions X-War of X-Calibre and Man O’ War teaming with the rookie Blue Flea against HalloWarped, Pink Spider, and the Guru Vishni student, Damien Dastardly. This is essentially a night off for the Harmony Champions, after their grueling title defense last show. Blue Flea lucked into the draw of being their partner tonight, but the crowd was still turned against him. The jeers were especially loud as he botched a dropkick in his only spot of offense in the match. He’s going to need some more work it seems. Sparky Sparks and The Arthur Arturro Experience try to ignore Blue Flea entirely, trying to not draw attention to him, I guess. I hope that’s not the fate that awaits me. This one is over in a relative flash, with the Harmony Champs looking sharp as a tack, hitting their tag team finisher on Pink Spider.

Here’s where I take my leave to change, and rush back to the commentary table with a t-shirt over my ring gear. I make it back before the show opens and I listen to Sparky Sparks welcome everyone to ZEN: Way of the Scholar. We don’t have much time to chat though, as the ZEN Master Champion, Necromancer makes his way to the ring. I cough some as the smoke from his entrance wafts over the commentary booth. Strangely, it doesn’t seem to affect my co-hosts. I go quiet as Necromancer starts to speak. I remember how annoying some of those SWF announcers who wouldn’t shut up were, and I didn’t want to replicate that, out of respect for the wrestler in the ring. Necromancer says that the time has come for his undead army to take over ZEN. He holds the E on ZEN for some reason… Maybe I should have done more research on my flight over here… He talks about his undead army, and I’m utterly confused. Sparks fills the gaps in his speech by muttering about the army, about fear, and some other stuff. It all seems kind of Hokey to me, like, USPW hokey, so I stay silent. Suddenly, Necromancer starts muttering something away from the mic, before unleasing a primal roar. The area fills with smoke again, so I use my t-shirt as a filter. When the smoke clears, Massacre and Cyanide are in the ring, eyes white, as they stand behind Necromancer. Arthur mutters next to me that he never gets used to seeing Necromancer summon his minions. I look on, shaking my head, and excuse myself from the desk to head behind the curtain.

I duck behind the curtain, and miss the rest of Necromancer’s segment. I shake my head at how straightfaced everyone took it. I know there’s supposed to be suspension of disbelief, but come on. A dude “raising the dead” as his army? That’s just silly. I pass by Toady, as he waits for his cue, and I go wait by the Sky Kings. We finally hear our queue, as I get introduced without music today. I get a few cheers, though, I’m betting that’s because we’re facing The Enemy, and not because of anything I’ve done. The Sky Kings get a much warmer reception though. And we are under way. I mainly keep to the apron on this one. I try to engage the crowd when Vertigo is being grounded by Massacre, but the crowd doesn’t buy it as much. When Super Zero does it though, they will on Vertigo. Go figure, it’s only my second show. I finally get tagged in towards the end out of desperation by Super Zero, after he and Vertigo are badly beaten up. I start taking it to Toady, using a bunch of kicks and forearms. I go to use the ropes, to bounce Toady into a German Suplex, but he holds the ropes. Finally, I pull him off and hit the German, but the ref refuses to count. As I stand up, wondering what’s going on, I get kicked in the gut, and I see Cyanide pick me up, and ohgodherecomesthemat.

When I finally get my bearings, I see that the ref is raising the hands of The Enemy. Toady is laughing at me… at least, I think he is… I hear a bit of an echo as he says “welcome to ZEN”. I drag myself out of the ring, and meander up the ramp, shaking the cobwebs loose. When I get behind the curtain, I see somebody I don’t recognize. Tall dude, built… I don’t remember signing him. I wonder if one of my staff sent a contract to him without my knowing, or if I did late one night… Why are his arms so pale though? It’s like he went into a tanning booth with sleeves and gloves on. Whatever… I think I’m going to skip calling this next match. I need to clear my head a little bit more.
I guess that stranger had a match partnering with Jimmy Stratosphere against Dazzler and CWA. Guess I’ll have to talk to Classy Massey and figure out who he is. Whatever, I gotta double check my script for my interview with Guru Vishni. Wait, they just gave me bullet points? Oh god, they want me to improvise? On my first interview? Ok. Take a breath. Calm down. There we go… I see Guru Vishni waiting, with his pupils in tow. Alright. Time to do this.

“Hello and welcome to the ZEN Palace of Wisdom (what a stupid name for an interview area), and I’m here with my guest at this time, Guru Vishni and his lackeys Damien Dastardly, and Mirror Universe John Gordon (yeah, right…)… “ ‘They are not lackeys, no no no. They are my pupils, my students. Ever since the fine young Damien graduated from the ZEN Dojo, I have guided his growth, both professionally and spiritually, and might I say, he is one fine… specimen. And we cannot forget about John Gordon from Dimension B. It is my fault that he was brought to this world, and that we lost our version of him, so I take full responsibility for his… *Ahem* well being.’ I pause and realize that it’s my cue to ask a question. “So, uh, Guru, what are your plans for your students then here in ZEN?” ‘It starts, yes yes yes, with the Conceptual Championship. For you see, all things spring from a Concept, an idea, a question. Hmhmhm indeed.’ “So, is that why you’ve asked for Damien Dastardly to face off against Pumpkin King here tonight at ZEN: Way of the Scholar?” ‘Of course! Who better to face off against that ghastly gourd than a student of a scholar? That “king” is aptly named, for tonight, his reign turns back into a pumpkin.’ Guru Vishni laughs, as his two pupils stand by, Damien with a grin on his face, and mirror Universe John Gordon standing there, staring into oblivion off camera. The trio walks off and I close the segment by saying that the ZEN Conceptual title will be on the line, next.

I make my way back to the commentary table, with the introductions for the ZEN Conceptual title match already complete, and the match underway. Pumpkin King seems to be having a hard time with the young Dojo Graduate. I wonder aloud what sort of things that Guru Vishni is teaching Damien Dastardly. Arthur Arturro Experience says that he’s seen Vishni lead Damien into a small closet for what Vishni called “meditation” once, but wasn’t sure how that’d translate to the ring. The action starts to pick up, as Pumpkin King finally starts to step into another gear, but before he can really start taking it to Damien, Guru Vishni mimes pushing something into the ring. Sparks is going crazy, saying that Guru Vishni has tossed the Conceptual Title into the ring, right within Damien’s reach. My two colleagues are going nuts, and are telling the ref to get the belt out of there. Damien picks the thing up, I guess, and goes to swing at Pumpkin King, I think, who then ducks, and kicks Damien in the stomach. Then I see Mirror Universe John Gordon enter the ring, and pick up the thing, I guess, and “hit” Pumpkin King in the back of the head with it? And Pumpkin King is selling it… Ok… And the ref calls for the DQ. What the hell just happened? Sparks is going nuts, saying that Guru Vishni is a dirty rat, tossing the Conceptual title into the ring. I am so lost…

Pumpkin King seems to be getting up, but Damien and Gordon keep attacking him with clubbing blows, sending him back to the mat, where they keep the boots on him. Guru Vishni seems to be picking something up, as Referee Stephen Yale is yelling at an empty corner, way from the action. What the hell? He JUST called for the DQ, and now he can’t even see where the beatdown is happening? Jesus Christ, we’re going to be the laughing stock of the wrestling world… I can already hear the crowd booing too… Damien and Gordon have pulled Pumpkin Jack to his feet in front of Guru Vishni, who must be holding the Conceptual Championship, I guess… And he swings for the nuts with the air in his hands… And Pumpkin King sells it… *hangs head* And the crowd boos. Goddamn it. Nothing is going right tonight… The crowd’s even chanting “you suck” at ZEN. That’s it, we’re done…Wait, they’re cheering now? *Looks up* They’re cheering Pumpkin Jack, who’s getting to his feet? And he picks up the Conceptual title and raises it, and the crowd is still cheering? I have no clue what’s going on here.

Alright, Main Event time, for the ZEN Master Championship. Champion Necromancer is defending his title against the high flying Devilfish. Finally, some normalcy. This match starts off like you’d expect your main event to feel, an early feeling out phase, with some stalling by Necromancer. He even considered leaving with the belt after a short flurry from Devilfish, but as he circles around the ring after grabbing his title, he was hit by a corkscrew plancha by Devilfish. I make a mental note to ask him about teaching me some new moves. Devilfish rolls him back into the ring, and looks to press the pace. I’m really starting to get into this match, trying to add a personal flair on commentary, but I don’t think I quite have it yet. I don’t have enough experience to play that “Former wrestler now on color” role, so I guess I’m just rolling with “Excited fan”, which I kind of am. Necromancer is flying right along with Devilfish, as the two become a blur in the ring. A multiple spin headscissors sends Necromancer to the outside, as the crowd counted along. Necromancer pauses by the barricade, not looking to leave. I notice that Stephen Yale isn’t making the count either to count out Necromancer. I’ll need to talk to Classy Massey later about that. Wait, why is Necromancer unleashing a loud yell again? This one’s louder than the last one. Why is the arena filling with smoke, and the lights are flickering? Wait, why is Halloween Knight in the ring, and landing a flipping neckbreaker. Wait, when did Massacre and Cyanide get in the ring and why are they hitting a double front suplex… And now the lights are normal and the trio is at ringside? “WHY DIDN’T YALE CALL FOR THE DQ?” Sparks yells “Death Scream! Death Scream! It’s all over folks! Wow!” Necromancer covers Devilfish, and yells at Yale, who finds the pair by the sound of Necromancer’s voice. He manages to count the three, surprisingly, and even more surprising Devilfish still hasn’t moved.

Necromancer is presented the ZEN Master Championship, and as he holds it aloft, Halloween Knight arrives at his right hand, while Massacre and Cyanide shamble in behind them. The show closes as Sparky Sparks says that F.E.A.R. is standing tall here tonight, on ZEN: Way of the Scholar.

I find way backstage in a stupor when I’m stopped by Classy Massey. He tells me that the crew wants to know who did a good job. He recommends that I give the new guy some props, to make him feel at home. Mind still spinning, I nod, and go find the locker room. I compliment the new guy on his good work tonight. I also give Crazy Train a bit of encouragement, promising I’ll book him better in the future. I then turn to necromancer, and say that he did great tonight. Everyone seems satisfied with my speech, and they continue milling about, chatting and laughing as they pack their bags. I live just a few blocks from the Temple, so I head home and take a shower, trying to parse what the hell I just saw. After, I flop into bed, slapping my forehead for forgetting to ask Classy Massey about the ref, and the new guy, and a whole slew of other things, before I fall asleep.

ZEN: Way of the Scholar - Saturday, February 2, 2013, from the Zen Temple in New Zealand, in front of 200 spectators (sellout).

Time to spam post the first few posts of this ZEN revival. I had a few ideas kicking around that I wanted to put to paper. Gonna start with a bit of a text dump.

User Character is named Brandon King.

Blog Entry #1
Mon, Wk 1, January 2013

So I Guess I own a Wrestling Promotion Now?!

So, some relative I hardly know passed away recently. I think it was my great uncle or something? I don’t know. Anyways, at the reading of his will today, I was told to be present, because I was mentioned or something.
Turns out, my uncle had won some wrestling promotion in Australia called ZEN in a cereal box giveaway a few years ago. He handed the reigns over to some guy named Halloween Knight since then, and I guess now I’m supposed to run it. The lawyer started talking about milestones, and goals that my uncle expected me to meet, but I couldn’t pay attention; I was too freaked out. This is nuts! The only business decision I’ve made in my life was to work an awful fast-food job in order to pay for some wrestling lessons on weekends. Now I’m in charge of a company?!
That’s all for this update, I’m about to get on my international flight. I’ve been told to meet with a Ms. Grindstaff at the gate. She’s apparently the secretary that was hired to assist my earth-shattering transition.

How thoughtful…

-BK

Blog Entry 2
Sat, Wk 1, January 2013

Company Rundown

Man, has this week been busy, and I haven’t had time to update since landing. Ms. Grindstaff has been filling me in on the details of ZEN. She gave me a thick dossier about the company’s history, it’s title lineage, and notable matches… Unfortunately, everything about the history of the company is written in some moon-speak. I even had her write out a paragraph by hand, in English, and it came out unreadable. Strangely though, everyone else can read it just fine.

ZEN Wrestling has three championships: The ZEN Master Championship, the ZEN Harmony Championship, and the ZEN Conceptual Championship.

ZEN Master Championship

Champion: Necromancer

The top prize in ZEN, signifying… something. I tried asking Necromancer about it, but all he said was that things were going according to plan, and the ZEN Master title was a key ingredient… Weird.

ZEN Harmony Championship

Champions: X-War (X-Calibre & Man O'War)

Now this is a title I can get behind. This is a tag team championship through and through. Two friends, or foes, working together to conquer their foes; it warms the heart. I tried to talk to X-Caliber and Man O’War, to tell them how thankful I was that they were the first familiar ground in this place, but they kinda brushed me off, saying I didn’t understand Harmony.

Whatever.

ZEN Conceptual Championship

Champion: Pumpkin Jack

This one confuses me a bit. I asked around, trying to find out who the Conceptual Champion was, but everyone was dumbfounded, and said it was obvious. I finally found that Pumpkin Jack was the current title holder, but when I asked him to show me the belt, he just help up his arm, all proud like. There was nothing there! This place has gone mad.

We’re a week away from my first show, ZEN: Way of the Dreamer. I’ve been informed that I’ll be on the commentary for most of the show. I can’t complain. This will give me a chance to actually learn a thing or two about this roster.

A fellow rookie. I have a feeling I’ll be hanging out with him a lot lately. Kind of a scrawny dude. Hope he doesn’t break.

Damien Dastardly
Rudo

Dude looks like a million bucks, and is a graduate of ZEN’s training facility. Dude looks like he’s been set up nicely for his upcoming rookie year.

HalloWarped
Rudo

Another promising youngster… Huh… Kinda starting to feel a little insecure here. The scouting report is really high on him as well. Wonder if I can get into that dojo now…

Killer B
Tecnico

Looks kinda… bland… from this headshot. Can’t judge a book by its cover, though. I bet he’s a great in-ring talent.

SubUrban Legend
Tecnico

Now THIS is a guy who looks like he knows how to party. From the report, he’s a pretty good rapper, and likes freestyle on his opponents before the match.

Toady
Rudo

Doesn’t this guy know that punk is dead? This still shot that was included on his file shows him clearing quite a distance to hit a splash though. Looks to have a spring in his step… … And that’s why he’s called Toady… I’m an idiot.

The Backbone

C-W-A (Clown With Attitude)
Rudo

He… scares me. I hate clowns…

Massacre
Rudo

He is a biiiig boy. Easily the biggest guy on the roster today. I hope I don’t have to get into the ring with him.

Mirror Universe John Gordon
Rudo

Wait, what?

The Pink Spider
Rudo

Aw neat, he’s like that superhero, Arachno-Lad. I loved his TV show. Wonder if he’s a fan…

Pumpkin Jack
Tecnico

Comes highly praised by the fans. They say he puts on some of the best matches on the show on a regular basis. I’m excited to work with such a ring veteran.

Shaolin
Tecnico

A fun loving ninja? What kind of self-respecting wrestling company would pull that sort of stunt?

Super Zero
Tecnico

A blank white mask? Doesn’t that sort of defeat the purpose of Lucha masks? Aren’t they supposed to stand for something? I should give him a piece of my mind. I mean, I’m a quick learner when it comes to wrestling, and I’ve been watching REAL Mexican Lucha for 3 months now.

The Elite

Cyanide
Rudo

A technical wrestler in this land of hig- flying Luchadores. Should be fun to pick his brain and pick up on some sweet holds.

Jester
Rudo

A Jester is just a clown right? And old-timey clown? The skull mask isn’t helping matters...

Man O’War
Tecnico

Like the jellyfish? The super dangerous jellyfish? Right on. What a badass. Jellyfish are these unassuming things, until they sting ya, then BAM, now you’re in trouble.

Vertigo
Tecnico

This guy had a feud with that scary CWA over a burst balloon animal? What kind of place is this?

DevilFish
Tecnico

One of our stars. Looks like his mask hits all demographics: It’s bright and colorful for the kids, and a terrifying toothy maw for the adults who know what’s cool (like me)

Halloween Knight
Rudo

The guy who ran the show before my arrival. Looks like he’s been our top heel for some time. Don’t want to rock the boat too much, so I’ll defer to him for now.

Necromancer
Rudo

If Halloween Knight is our number 1 heel, Necromancer is our number two. Heh, number two. Current ZEN Master champion, but something just seems… off about him.

X-Calibre
Tecnico

This guy is fun to watch. The only ZEN match I was able to catch in the Airport Lobby was him making some local guy look like a chump as he flew across the ring. I’m excited to see what he can do with some real competition.

=================

After putting that all out there, I’m feeling pretty good about my first show. It’s gonna be low stress for me, gonna just kick it at the commentary table with a muted mic, and they’re going to just go out and do what they do best, and put on a wrestling clinic.

Sorry I rambled so long, but for now, farewell. I’ve got to catch up on this week’s episode of Total Wrestling.

-BK

Blog Entry #3
Sat, wk 2, January 2013

Showtime!

Tonight marks the first show ZEN has had since I’ve gotten here. It’ll be the first show I’ve been a part of in my life. I’m kind of nervous, but I keep reminding myself that I’m just going to be on the sidelines observing my new company. I’m just leaving the show in the hands of the wrestlers, and they should know what’s best.

I’ve been told that the following matches will be happening tonight. I’m kind of excited to see these guys in the ring for the first time since I got here. Now that I think about it, it’s strange I’ve never seen anyone wrestling in the ring at the actual ZEN ring.

There’s just one other thing on my mind. A strange statue appeared downstairs in the ZEN Communal Area this morning, and I swear it wasn’t here yesterday, but when I asked X-Calibre and Vertigo about it, they said it had always been there.

Am I really just forgetting that, or is something strange going on here?

ZEN – Way of the DreamerSaturday, Week 2, January 2013
The ZEN Temple in rainy New Zealand

I settle into the third place at the commentary table and put on my headset. The lights come up, and Sparky Sparks enthusiastically starts.

Sparks: Hello and welcome to ZEN… WAY. OF. THE. DREEEEAAAMEEER. First things first tonight, we’d like to extend our congratulations to last month’s “Where’s Shaolin?” challenge, Marty J. Marty will be receiving a Shaolin mask, as well as two tickets to our next ZEN show, ZEN: Way of the Scholar. Remember, to participate in our monthly “Where’s Shaolin?” keep your eyes peeled during tonight’s show, and find out where the Sneaky Shinobi is hiding. The first fan to call our ZEN hotlines will win this month’s fabulous prize: ZEN: The Art of Comics #1, as well as two tickets for an upcoming ZEN show.
Tonight’s main event will be for the ZEN Master Championship, where the champion, the ghastly Necromancer, representing F.E.A.R., will be defending against the Carnivorous Clownfish, Devilfish, in what should be an exciting, high-flying affair.

Alex Arturro cuts in “Sparky, baby, don’t sell this next match short, because we’ve got the challenger for the grooviest of prizes, the ZEN Conceptual Championship, in the ring right now.Sparks: Right you are Alex. Tonight, challenging the champion, Pumpkin Jack is Pink Spider! Can the Aggravating Arachnid win their first championship?

ZEN Conceptual ChampionshipPumpkin Jack (c) vs Pink Spider

I tried to focus on the match, but the two tablemates in my ear weren’t helping. Sparky’s excitable voice kept snapping me out of my reverie. Alex nudges me, and I’m asked a question on commentary. I did not sign up for this.

Sparks: So, what do you think of the action tonight? Pretty wild, huh? Me: Uh, yeah. Pumpkin Jack is looking good out there.Sparks: That he is. And folks, that voice you just heard was the voice of our newest colleague, and entrant into the ZEN Dojo, Brandon King. That’s right, we’ve got someone who’s the total package. Commentary, wrestling, and later tonight, he’ll be interviewing the House of Trancendance. WOW What an Armdrag by Pumpkin Jack!

The match continues on, as my heart starts to race. Nobody told me that I was going to be doing an interview tonight. Not Ms. Grindstaff, not Halloween Knight, not even Sparky. What am I going to do? I don’t even have a script. What am I g- My thoughts are cut off by a loud crack, as Pumpkin Jack hits a huge running corner big boot, and follows it immediately with an STO, hooking both legs, and getting the pinfall.

Sparks: WOW! What a thunderous Orange Bowl from Pumpkin Jack, as he retains the Conceptual Title here tonight.Arturro: Pink Spider was game tonight, but he just couldn’t hang with the coolest cat in the pumpkin patch, Pumpkin Jack, dig?

Down at ringside, Pumpkin Jack appears to be taking something delicately from a ringside worker, and holding… nothing aloft. What’s he doing? And now he has a pillowcase? Where’d he get that? Under the ring? Is he… he’s trick or treating around the ringside area… and the people have candy. How… Why… And hey’s passing them something invisible? What the…

Ooooh… THAT’S the Conceptual Title.

…

WHAT?!? ZEN has an invisible Championship?! Wha-… How th-… WHY?!

I look at the shared monitor to see a prepared video. It starts off with Toady at some location, spraypainting his name on a wall. As he notice the camera there, he turns and cackles, tossing the spray paint can at the camera man. The video then cuts to HalloWarped in front of a blue, techy looking wall. HalloWarped says that you’ve experienced nightmares in the past, and in the present. What you’re looking at, is the nightmare of the future. The screen then cuts to The Knights Temple of Killer B and SubUrban Legend. Legend asks for a beat, and B obliges. SubUrban gives a quick rap. “Say hello to the Temple, with the Legend and the B, The dopest tag team that you ever will see. Take a spin, go a round, take a trip with me. We’ll leave you on the mat for the 1, 2, 3.” We then cut one more time to see Blue Flea spraying over Toady’s tag, but as he’s spraying, we see Shaolin come straight up from the bottom of the frame holding a sign (blocking our view of Blue Flea) saying “Remember, keep an eye out for today’s “Where’s Shaolin challenge. Where will I show up?”

As I watch this match, it’s becoming more and more apparently how rough the ZEN Temple crowd can be on you if you’re not up to snuff. I really feel for Blue Flea, because whenever he’s out there, the crowd is extra critical of his mistakes. Will they be this vicious to me, when I step into the ring? The match ends when HalloWarped hits his Shining Wizard, dubbed Warp Speed, and he picks up the win for his team.

Arturro: And that’s why HalloWarped is out of this world! Here’s the skinny, HalloWarped is heading for big things, and with Halloween Knight as his mentor, there ain’t Jack Squat anyone can do to stop him.Sparks: You may be right, but for now, let’s head down to the ring where our own Brandon King has three members of the winning team, the House of Transcendence.

Me: My mistake. Mirror Universe John Gordon. You guys got a big win tonight. Do you feel like this brings you one step closer to a tag team title shot?
Guru Vishni: We have our own plans… It will transcend space and time… We bid you farewell.

What is he talking ab- And suddenly, a sharp pain rocks my stomach, as Guru Vishni delivers a low blow, as Damien Dastardly cackles, and Mirror Universe John Gordon glowers at me… what a bunch of dicks.

I’m helped to the back by Blue Flea, and I miss the next match. I can still hear Sparky Sparks and Alex Arturro on commentary, calling the ZEN Harmony Championship match, between the champions of X-War, of X-Calibre and Man O’War, against Jester and the Clown with Attitude. By the time I’m able to gain my composure and return to the table, the match is over, and X-War are celebrating their title defense with the crowd.

As I sit down, we’re treated to another video; this time, featuring the ZEN Master Champion, Necromancer. “Death” he starts, lingering on the tail end of the word. “Death conquers all. All except me. I know the secret. I am so close. So so close. And this..” He holds up the Master Championship, “is the key. This will unlock door to unlife. The end is near.”

Sparks: Creepy stuff from Necromancer. What do you think he means by “the secret”, Alex?Arturro: I am clueless, Sparky. Necromancer got me stumped!Sparks: Maybe some light will be shed, here in our MAIN EVENT! The ZEN Master Championship is on the line, as the Champion, representing the Four Extreme Agents of the Revolution, Necromancer faces off against the challenger, Devilfish. Arturro: This is going to be off the chain. Devilfish is one cool customer, and will bring the heat to the Champ, but Necromancer has an ace or three up his sleeve, with the rest of F.E.A.R waiting in the wings. Sparks: Right you are, but for now, we’ll just have to head down to the ring, and see what happens.

ZEN Master ChampionshipDevilfish vs Necromancer (c)
As this match goes on, I stare in stunned silence. If THIS is what ZEN is all about, not the silly little invisible title, not the goofy children’s game of hide and go seek, but this display of high flying and technical wizardr-… oh, Devilfish just went under the ring, and popped out of the other side with water… and threw it on Necromancer. C’mon guys… this is the main event.

Sparks: SPLASH ATTACK! Devilfish has the champ on the ropes now! Pinning combination, and a kickout at two.Arturro: He dillydallied a little too much to the pin. I’ve seen him put fools away with that one before. He’s gonna have to stay sharp to capture the title.

What. Are these guys serious? Necromancer delivers a hellacious Cutter to Devilfish, and lets out a guttural scream, and the lights go out.

Sparks: DEATH SCREAM! DEATH SCREAM! Arturro: This match is as good as over, ain’t nobody kicked out of this.

The lights turn on, and we see Halloween Knight, Cyanide, and Massacre putting the boots to Devilfish.

Sparks: The Death Scream is such a devastating maneuver! It possesses the minds of the other members of F.E.A.R, and they act on Necromancer’s will! Arturro: It’s that voodoo, that he do, so well.

Necromancer covers Devilfish, after what should have been a blatant DQ, and the ref counts the pinfall.

Sparks: AND NECROMANCER RETAINS THE ZEN MASTER CHAMPIONSHIP!Arturro: But what does it mean for those plans he was mentioning earlier? I’m getting some bad vibes…Sparks: We’ll find out next time, on ZEN: The Art of Wrestling! Thank you for joining us here, at ZEN: Way of the Dreamer.

What a night. I’m beat, sore, and confused. And to make matters worse, I had to deal with some people leaving anonymous notes about Vertigo’s behavior. I tried to tell him his behavior was unacceptable, but he just blew me off. Oh well. The crowd seemed to like it. Maybe once I get my bearings, we can sort out some of the silliness, and become a real wrestling company. For now, I think I’ll catch the end of NOTBPW’s Big City Brawl. I hope I make it in time for the main event of Sean McFly vs Steve Decolt. Should be a classic.
-BK