Worldly slice

Everyone knows the Dark Knight and his sidekick, Robin. Batman has become one of the most recognizable heroic icons along others such as Superman, Spiderman, Wonder Woman and Fridtjof Nansen. That's why I feel i can add this to a part of western culture and thus having it belong here. Also, all the cool kids makes fun of them these days, and I want to be just as cool as them.

But onto business. For some reason, back in the days, absolutely everyone in Gotham City was apparently more worried about boners than crime, and that's impressive, because Gotham city is the crime capital of USA. Our superduo (a grown man living with a little boy in tight briefs and smooth legs that can make any woman jealous) were no less worried about boners and what plans these boners were involved in.

Boners? Sounds like a case for Batman and Robin!

This is what the famous master detective spends his time researching upon?

No wonder The Joker wants to kill everyone.

So yeah. Gotham sure loves boners. But the Dark Knight isn't ALL about stopping boners, his own included, from happening. After all, he is looking out for his young friend,
Dick Grayson, who lost his family to a mob related crime.

And oh boy, Batman, who goes by the name of Bruce Wayne, sure loves raising the innocent child in a completely normal and healthy way. Like:

Physical punishment for no apparent reason. Do note how Bruce can't stop smiling..

Making Robin do things no child should want to do while Batman is watching...

Verbal abuse...

And... I just don't know anymore...

For some strange reason, once Robin grew up, he decides at once to leave, far away from Batman, and start over a new life as the Nightwing.

Batman copes with this loss by finding new a boy to be his little Robin in shorts. 3 young boys, actually. And one of them dies.

Someone, for the love of God! Alert the child services!

And then there's Superman, who as well is rather... Strange too.
For instance, these two pictures say about a thousand words:

Yes, that is Superman enjoying some gay incestual sadomachism with his father and foster father respectivly.

However, let's avoid Supermans rather... Special fetishes, and focus on his happily married life with Lois Lane. A woman who truly loves Superman the way a heavily abused girl loves her asshole boyfriend. Or a hostage suffering Stockholm syndrome loves her hostage taker. I'll let these few pictures illustrate their beautiful relationship (Click pics to enlarge to read what they say):

1: He forces her to marry some stalker because she was mad at him over some dickery he commited. Just look how pleased he is with himself.

2: Again Lois does something, which enrages Superman and decide a fitting punishment is to have her placed on Death Row, for shits and giggles. That should teach her to disobey because psychological terror is always effective.

3:Superman pitting his normal, mortal human lover against Wonder Woman into battle for his affection. And yes, that is Superman being a complete asshole about the whole thing

Poor Lois. What has she done to deserve such harsh treatment from Superman? A man all about justice?

Wait, did i say poor? Because that's more wrong than forcibly crossbreed
a cat with a horse. Lois certainly have a hand in how Superman grew up
to be like that. As this pictures shows.

You are completely right. Superman is a kid suddenly because fuck logic. Lois, and her rival,
Lana, does the only responsible thing when this happens to someone. This includes:

1: Attemting to brainwash a child barely above toddler age.
2: Using strange techniques. We can safely assume they also used mind altering drugs on the kid. That's what the writers of this story must have used, in any case.
3: Pedophile behaviour. Note how Lois says "Kiss me like this whenever you see me!" after Superman grows up again.
4: Again, incest (adoptive "parents" and all that). You start to see a pattern here why Superman likes to get spanked by his daddies?
5: All the while, these adult women does it to spite each other, completely oblivious to the fact THAT YOU JUST DON'T DO THAT SHIT TO LITTLE CHILDREN!

I am in fact very worried about Superman's nonchalant reaction to Lana's confession about hypnotising him as a baby.

Is there any wonder why Superman is such an asshole towards her? Haha,
don't worry. It's just not Lois who gets that treatment. You see, a man
like Superman do feel that empty void inside him that comes from wanting to be a parent. Yet, for some mysterious reason, Superman probably feels that women are manipulative bitches only after his body and thus tries to avoid being with them as much as possible.

Which is kinda sensible, seeing what kind of women he meets. But instead of making his wife pregnant, he simply adopts a young man.

And then treats his adoptive child like utter unworthy trash. (Click to enlarge pictures)

Superman's got some serious issues..

Children from wartorn coutries don't suffer the way Jimmy did! Hell, they consider it christmas.

Moral of the story: Don't get close to Superman if you care about dignity and feeling loved.

Talking about that. Batman and Superman gets along suspiciously well

Thank god for that alarm. This could have gotten real akward for the readers.

What exactly happened back there?

Well, that's all for now, ladies and gentlemen.
(On a side related note, some people say that "boners" meant something different back in the days when these comics were printed. Don't listen to them. I have on good authority to inform you that they in fact talking about dicks.)

Pictures are mostly from Superdickery, so go there for even more hilarious comic moments.

You might be suprised to learn that despite the image of vikings roaming the sea, killing and pillaging the english, irish and even the turks, they actually had a strong sense of traditions and culture.

Culture!

They took extra care with what we call "Norse funeral". According to the icelandic sagas, norse poetry and one really REALLY lost arab guy, this was a combination of a funeral and a frat party from back in the earliest viking days when the men grew beards and women also grew beards. During this age (500-1200 ish), scandinavia was split between hundreds of tribes and petty kingdoms ruled by chieftains, kings, jarls, pretenders and whatever that was cool to call oneself back then.

But only the baddest of badass chieftains and kings would receive a burial befitting his badassery. Like having your very own viking ship as a tomb all for yourself, forever sailing the seas, being undead and terrorizing the pansies in england.

Every little boys dream.

Or that would be the case if not per tradition, they would set the boat out to sea and then burn it, because fuck your childhood dreams of bothering england again, dead man! But in reality, blazing ships on the sea rarely happened. Mostly it just stayed on land during the ordeal, since it's not like the dead king whos ship burning celebration they were holding could complain. And thus put it to the flames on land instead. Still is the best cremation ever though!

Believe it or not, as much killing and fighting vikings did (to others, that is), they actually feared and respected death, because if you were not to receive a proper burial, rites and rituals all, you would become a draugr (10+ strength zombie viking) just to fuck shit up as a way of saying "thanks a lot you lazy douchbags, look what you made me into because you forgot that one stone in the stone circle." and then proceed to pummel everybody to death like the asshole undeads tend to be.

Of course, that won't stop YOU from slaying millions of them as if they were mudcrabs in Skyrim!

Thus, viking had a very delicate and complex ritual surrounding burial. First of, they would seal the dead away for 10 days whilst the women worked on new exquisite burial clothings for the king. Meanwhile, one or more of the thrall (slave) girls would volunteer to follow her master into the afterlife. Of course, the word "volunteer" is used very liberally.

Once the lucky girl were chosen, she got her very own tent, and was guarded more carefully than a muslim woman's virginity.

But unlike muslim women, the girl would get extremly wasted on alchohol every single day and night up until the she passed out waiting for the moment of her life.

Some things never change.

They would then drag the longship-soon-to-be-tomb upon the shore and let a wise woman do her ritual things, placing cushions and stuff, dressing the 10 days decayed chieftain in his fancy new expensive Gucci clothes and placed all his belongings in the capitans cabinet (weapons, food, alchohol. Everything you'll need for your next life in Vallhall).

Outside, the party had just started at the signal of two horses that would run themselves sweaty, before being brutally slaughtered and cut up. Probably as a big "Fuck you!" to PETA. Anyway, their meat tossed aboard the ship, and then they did some more brutal stuff, which includes slaughtering more animals, lethal sports such as tug o war over burning coal pits and other things that would make todays funerals much more awesome.

The drunken thrall lass were brought forth and now had her "15 minutes of spotlight", and like all girls who gets their 15 minutes, she slept with everybody in the entire village, still drunken beyond belief (again, some things never change). This was of course a part of the ritual. We can assume it was some seriously sexually frustrated dude who thought this part up.

"I just got this brilliant plan on how to finally lose my virginity!!"

She was then brought aboard the ship after being sore in every orifice she didn't know she had only to recieve another round of good old fashioned norse bukkake barrage from the 6 most favoured men of the chieftain (no, i will not post a picture of that) who then proceeded violently gangrape her. Meanwhile, the men outside would bang their shields to drown out the girl's screams, before she was killed by stabbing, strangling and what else they could think of to send her into the afterlife.

And then the big event finally happened. The boat was set on fire as the people watched solemnly.

After this gruesome scene followed by the burning ship, they did the only natural thing in the world, which was party as if there was no tomorrow. But then tomorrow came and they decided to party again as if the next day wouldn't come. For an entire 7 days, possibly because everybody was too drunk the previous days to remember anything.

And then have the worst hangover ever. Yep, nothings changed indeed.

Anyways, gangbangs, sacrifice and heavy intoxication was a very important part of the burial rites, less you want to wake up with a rotten undead fist to your face for not properly raping innocent slave girls to show your love for the big boss.

I was planning to write next about another burial practice from the old norse days, but my employers started getting worried since i was spending all my time looking up information about how to bury dead people in extreme ways at work and urged me to sorta stop it as they were slowely backing out of the office.

So instead of burials and all that boring stuff, i'll write about a norwegian guy, and as we all know, norwegians guys were fucking hardcore before all that oil and welfare state business ruined everything manly about Norway.

Young Norwegian children playing in 1930

The man i am thinking of is none other than Fridtjof Nansen, a Norwegian explorer, scientist, diplomat, humanitarian, Nobel laureate and certified badass of highest degree.

First off, let's just get done with the boring but normal life part: He was born someplace outside Christiania (which later became Oslo) in 1861. Then he turned 4 and decided he had enough of playing around. That sums about everything "normal" about him in his life.

After this picture, he stopped 6 armed robberies that day using only his stare.

During his days as a young school student, he developed healthy hobbies such as survival trips for weeks at a time during extreme conditions alone in the wilderness, living like "Robinson Crusoe". Because that's what children do, besting the forces of nature's freezing rage with a knife and nothing else, right?

However, it wasn't before he reached the age of 18 he got serious, at an age when most of us we are busy with rebelling and/or heartbroken.

What did he do? Join some political rallies? Started riding a motorbike? Nah, he was busy beating the world record in skating. And just because winning once wasn't his sorta thing, he beat the record 11 more times on subsequent occasions simply because he could.

When he was 21, he decided that university, where he was studying zoology, kinda sucked, and went out on a expedition to greenland, which at the time was unexplored, and not suprising, the same cold shithole of a wasteland it is today.

Once Nansen's eyes fell upon the frozen hell, Nansen popped the biggest boner in history

The ship got caught and stuck in the ice. Most men just looked forward for the summer heat to melt the ice. Nansen wanted to go ashore but wasn't allowed because it would make the rest of the crew feel like the pussies they were. But while waiting he started theorizing that Greenland icecap might be explored, or even crossed! Oh joy!

Since Nansen had just developed interest in other fields too such as ecology and oceanography, would spend most of his time on deck studying polar bears before challenging them to a fist fight to death, studying ocean currents and other stuff sciency stuff. He also wrote a book about everything he observed while the rest of the guys huddled down below deck crying themselves to sleep.. Oh, He was a natural marksman, boasting a kill score of 200 flying, firebreathing mutant seals, because one asshole seal had flipped the finger to him.

He then returned home, chilling and just becomming the co-founder of the modern theory of the nervous system, earning his Ph.D. No biggie.

Whatever the heck that is.

So yeah, not only could he destroy a mountain by headbutting it, he could also destroy it with the sheer power of his mind. He was basically a crossover superman and einstein on steroids. And that would be the end of this awesome man and his tale. However, all that was just some foreplay in his life.

He just couldn't stop his wet dreams about Greenland. And not being a man to give up his dreams, he decided that he wanted to go out for a leasurely stroll across greenland with a small party of six men total (expert skieers and Sami people) and some basic supplies. Refusing the more complex and manpower heavy system that was usually used. And he also designed much of their equipment like sleeping bags and stoves from scatch because when you have reached this level of insane, you might as well go all out.

The press started to mock him, saying his plans would most probably mean the death of them all. And we must not forget, pastey whimpy jounalists are highly knowledgable on hardcore survival and thus qualified to make such judgment.

Experts on wilderness survival under the harshest conditions on earth.

Also, do note that at this time, pulling of this expedition would be the closest thing anyone had ever been to north pole. In 1888 they landed on Greenland by using small rowboats while Jason, the ship taking them there left them behind. Nansen felt that being stranded on Greenland alone wasn't badass enough, so he decided to burn the rowboats, just to be sure nobody would look back. also knowing it would make a great backdrop for any future movies about him, walking into the wastelands with an inferno and possibly huge explotions behind him. This was a one way trip, win or die painfully and miserable in the wastes of Greenland.

They were the first ones to cross one of the harshest enviroments in the world during two months, crossing crevasses, enduring ridiculous low tempratures, storms, loose ice and so on. Before finally reaching the west coast, but seeing the winter had arrived, thus barring any ships from getting them. They just decided to relax, build some small stone huts and chilled for 7 months hunting and studying wildlife before finally being able to return home to Norway as national heroes and giving the journalists a huge middle finger up their face.

Nansen wearing his "happy face"

He could die now, knowing he had set his name in history as a awesome badass of highest tier and be proud of his archievments like most would be at this. Not to mention a steady income from a job with no duties (curator at a university who just wanted to be associated with his name)

But Fridtjof Nansen isn't what most would be, and after a short break in Norway, getting married and deciding that North pole was next on the list of "attempted suicide" by using a method nobody had tried but everybody would copy later (once again being the first at something). Which was letting their ship freeze in the ice and naturally drift to the pole. Why, that does seem like a sound plan!

Mother nature in her attempt to piss of Nansen, decided to be a bitch and not help out. Nansen, who realized his dreams of landing on north pole came to a halt as the ship drifted too far away. Nansen saw himself beat and whent home in shame.

Nansen wearing his "sad face"

Nah, just kidding. He and another guy (probably an avatar of Nansens moustache) took a rowboat and rowed to some ice, and then crossed loose, open and highly dangerous ice terrain with dogsleds for an insane 25 kilometers before reaching the "polar" area itself.

Sadly, they didn't make it to the north pole, being just a few hundred km's away. The reason was that summer was approaching, and made things warmer and thus easier, something that made Nansen extremly pissed now that being on the north pole just wasn't brutally hardcore enough anymore. Oh, and ice started to break apart and some other trivial things. Probably from the sheer weight of his balls.

So he and his buddy was forced to retreat, however, having no faith in finding the drifting ship they left behind, they instead did opted to do something more insane. They made some makeshift kayaks and tried to sail for land which turned out to be a group of isles. After being forced to stop to fix their kayaks after a giant douchbag of a walrus attacked them, probably because Nansen had slept with his wife, daugher and sisters (no record of what happened to the walrus, but we can assume he was blown to bits by Nansens willpower), something really odd happened. There, in middle of the vast nowhere, Nansen and Johansen bumped into no other guy than Frederick Jackson, a fellow british explorer exploring the isles. Brofist occured. (pictured), and the two joined the brits and returned home, again as heroes.

This makes the all wooden ship, buildt in 1890 by Nansens sheer mindpower the only ship to both reach both furthest North and furthest South latitudes. A wooden ship, from 1890.

After grinding out six more volumes of scientific research (which he himself illustrated with beautiful drawings as seen on the left. God damn this man had many talents) and generally taking life on the easy side. World War 1 happened.

Nansen saw a chance at redemption and forgiveness for all the innocent blood from seals he had killed with his bare hands.

So he decided that wars killing innocent people like refugees was pretty shitty and totally not okay in Nansens book, not to mention war disrupted his research, which he started to focus much more on in his later life. And let's just say you don't stop Nansen at his research.

In fact, he found this so annoying, he went out and won Nobel peace price (back when it actually meant something) for his extensive work in helping refugees and other people harmed by war. He also became Norway's reppin' man at the League of nations and later United Nations.

The system he made for helping refugees, developing places hit hard by war, and the "Nansen Passport" is still used by the UN to this very day, albeit probably more abused and generously handed out.

After the war, he continued his good work, helping for example Greeks, Turks and Armenians escape persecution from different groups for different reasons, as well as internationally rallying food and medicine to Soviet Union's suffering population, and note that the Soviets trusted as always nobody and wouldn't deal with anybody.

Anybody but Nansen himself that is. Probably because Nansen threatened to crush the soviets if he wasn't allowed to help. He's credited with saving millions of russians with his system.

God started to realize that next to Nansen, God himself started to look pretty boring and totally a pussy, so God finally killed Nansen in 1930 (aged 68) in what we can imagine must have been the most epic hand to hand fight in mankind, even though God had poisoned Nansen's tea a bit earlier. And Nansen had both hands tied behind his back to even the score.

Picture of him right before he died. As one can see, even as an old man could he impregnate women by looking at them.

And some men.

More at
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fridtjof_Nansen
http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1922/nansen-bio.html

Self-immolation, as one might know, is suicide by burning oneself to death. A popular worldwide hobby from USA to South Korea showing us that great minds think alike.

Nothing connects people like similar ideas on suicide.

Now in the good old days of India, actually, pretty much always up until the british comming and ruining everybody's fun like they always do, indians had the proud tradition of burning the body of dead men on a funeral pyre, which has been a known burial method used across the world since men realized it requires less work to burn a corpse than to dig a hole.

The idea of Sati was something we all expect from our wives when we pass this mortal coil, that is, to kill herself in a painful, horrid way in the public, traumatizing little children forever.

You scored major points if you do it outside a school during lunch break.

Ah such strong love, almost makes me misty eyed. Unlike India, where they got all misty eyed thanks to all that flesh-burning smoke.

Alas, such a burning love doesn't mean infinite pain threshold to burning the fuck up. And naturally, the widows often tried to flee the flames and put out the fire on her by jumping into rivers or whatever else was avaible, including pots with urine.

But in India, a widow not burning up was more offensive to indians than a crudely drawn picture of mohammed with bare tits are to muslims in Mekka, and thus the widow showed shameful display and her husband's honor was shamed. Now, Indians are a pretty helpful bunch, (which is probably why their favorite job is tech support and call centers) and to save the couple from disgrace, they would gladly help out the widow. Like one time when a widow rebelled against the system and doused her flames, a bunch of nice random people passing by chased her around as if they were in a hilarious benny hill chase scene.

(cue http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MK6TXMsvgQg for effect)

Unfortunatly for the widow, this wasn't an Adam Sandler movie, and when they finally caught up with the fleeing pile of shame and dishonor, they helpfully broke her legs (and arms, because why not?) and tossed her into the flames.

They still prefered burning painfully to death than being in an Adam Sandler movie. They did what we all would do.

And thus was honor and dignity saved that day! Three cheers for humanity!

Of course, often the widow wouldn't even get close to leaving the inferno, as it was common to encourage the grieving and deathly afraid woman with understanding and deeply empathic words of encouragment in form of severe beatings with wooden canes and other handy comforting blunt weapons, or sometimes, they just cut out the middleman and tied her down to the pyre. Saving everyone from a bit of sweat.

"Hey thanks for helping me out with this, guys!"

When the British empire arrived, they found this to really rustle their tea drinking monocled jimmies, and promply outlawing this barbaric act (somewhere in 1830s), before continuing to force the indians to work under inhumane conditions, playing cricket, drinking tea with cookies and other forms of mustachioed gentlemanly activites, like watching 7 years old children work in coal mines back home.

However, indians was pretty fierce about their ancient tradition, and didn't give two shits about british imposed laws because fuck 'em. So the widow burning kept going. When India finally got independent in 1947, they actually started to bother enforcing the laws (and banning it several times again because some people just don't listen, latest ban being in 1981. You just can't keep them grieving widows down from blazing glory!).

Lotus feet is the very definition of hotness, don't you think? The chinese did.

Let's continue onto the facts after this short warning: Disturbing pictures of feets like above ahoy.

Foot binding started somewhere in the 10th century, when someone in the nobility with a real fucked up fetish realised that disgusting feets were just what he and his wife needed to put sparks into their otherwise boring sexlife (they're Chinese, of course it had to be boring). Somehow someone at the regular aristocratic orgies felt the same thing when he saw the infected deformed feets of his friends wife and before you know it, it was the new hot shit in town and you just wasn't cool enough for the cool gang unless your wife had freaky unnatural feet.

The delicate process of shaping the feets into... Whatever the fuck that is, was a long, painful and potentially dangerous one. One would start on his daughter from anywhere from 4 years old to 6 years old (sometimes earlier or later), just as their fragile memories and sensitive nerve centers had developed. Though at least they did start during the winter, so the pain wouldn't be so extreme due numb feets from the cold. God bless them for thinking about the little children!

Just look how grateful she grew up to be!

The small feet would be soaked in warm water mixed with herbs, animal blood, whatever was readily avaible depending for most families and their economy (which sometimes meant urine). Then their soft feet and toes would be binded into an arch, more and more as the year went past and the once happy little girls apathetically accepted their cruel fate into this personal hell.

And that's pretty much the worst of it... Nah, just kidding, it just wouldn't be good old china if they let the female gender off the hook that easily. A common procedure was to break the toes and whatever bones they could find in the foot, to make it so that it was easier to bind it tighter and tighter, and quite often, the bindings would cut blood circulation to the toes (or entire foot), leading to a nasty case of gangrene, which, hopefully most people know isn't really a good thing. But old China wasn't like most people and felt that all the pointless meat would be better cut off anyway, making the feet smaller since there were now less toes to break now and then. Who needs stupid toes anyway?

I have no idea what's going in this picture to be honest.

Sometimes the young girl would die from other kinds of infection, general peasant lifestyle or even suicide. But oh well, shit happens, and after all, it's just a girl. Something back then of equal value today as a cheeseburger at McDonalds.

One might ask "why do all this, what is the point"? Well, because honestly, have you SEEN women with normal feets? That shits disgusting! Or so we are to believe, according to the chinese fashion industry. Besides, let's be fair here. We can just go as ancient year of 1980's to see horrible horrible fashion that will no doubt make people in 50 years cringe in disgust at how people allowed that shit.

You can clearly see different degrees of shame and regret. two of them can't even face the camera. I think one of them is crying

But in reality, foot binding was for... Well, actually, it was ONLY for fashion and not one thing else.

But for once, the women born into riches are the losers in this case (unless you were a female Indian, then you'd lose anyway). It was thought that only poor filthy peasant women needed to walk and work back then. And thus the chinese nobles found that replacing "feets you can use to walk, smile and be happy" with "stumps you stumble around with painfully crippling you all your life" a symbol of wealth and nobility.

Nothing says "wealthy" as a massive medical bill.

Possibly for once, someone won over Japan at fucked up erotica as the chinese men popped raging boners everywhere just at the thought of those feets (as long as it was covered)

Of course, the feet were always covered in sores, infections, puss and what else your darkest nightmares throw at you when you're at your weakest, and the smell makes that forgotten buddhist corpse in the corner i talked about in the other post smell like a fresh spring morning after the rain.

Good thing China wised up and realised that this shit's pretty bad and outlawed it... In 1949 by the communist party, because they needed the women to work, and to get rid of anything resembling the old nobility. Japan banned it from Taiwan in 1915 when they took over the place. There are women still alive with these lotus feets, crippled and often in intense pain.