In an interview with child counseling expert, Colleen Holbrook, I asked, "What's your prescription for building a strong respectful family?

Colleen: I ask parents, "What kind of a family do you want?"

Jean: What do you mean?

Colleen: Each family is a little different. Parents do better when they think clearly about the kind of family they want.

Jean: What does this have to do respect?

Colleen: Everything. Families, like houses, need strong foundations. The foundation for a strong family include rules, expectations, consequences, follow through, and affection. Parents need to think about these concepts when deciding the kind of family they want.

Jean: What happens when familes don't have strong foundations?

Colleen: They produce signs of weakness, like the cracks in homes built on sand. In these homes you find, power struggles, rules not kept, and anxious kids.

I remember a raging 4-year-old. His rages controlled his parents. His parents were inconsistent with their rules and expectations.This kid was anxious too. He had too much power and not enough experience. He wasn't ready to be their boss.

Jean: So you're saying, when kids have too much power they feel anxious.

Colleen: Yes, because they know their parents sometimes say "No" and sometimes say "Yes" about the same rule. These kids keep pushing, raging, and wondering if their parents will follow through. Kids always challenge when parents are inconsistent.

Jean: Do you have a prescription for building solid families?

Colleen: Yes:

1. Think through the rules and expectations you want.

2. Be consistent in following through with reasonable consequences when they are broken.

3. Be a loving parent.

~ Colleen Holbrook, LICSW, CMHS http://www.colleenholbrook.com

I left Colleen admiring her prescription for good parenting. My experience in working with families mirrors Colleen's advice:

1. Be kind.

2. Be firm.

3. Be consistent.

If you build your family with this prescription, the foundation for your family will be strong. Your children will respect you too.

What about you? What do you think?

Please comment in the comment link below. When you do, I'll send you a gift with 7 Parenting Tips for Encouraging Respectful Behavior.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

Two More Things:

Sign up for this Parenting Skills Blog at http://www.ParentingSkillsBlog.com and receive this FREE Gift - 33 Expert Ways to Motivate Your Kids

Are you ever frustrated with the example of respect you set for your kids? Don't be too hard on yourself but do consider the specific examples, my Linkedin friend and Guardian Ad Litem, Debra Scott suggests:

Respect and Hitting:

"I view healthy role modeling as the foundation of promoting respect in children. Children seem to absorb more of what we do rather than what we say. I cannot tell you how many times I've been at a park, a child hits another child, and the mom runs over and yells, "we don't hit!," as mom is hitting the child. I've used a lot of restraint during those times!

Respect and the Phone:

Children typically listen when we don't know they're listening. Such as when we're on the phone and they're innocently building a fort. They hear us say, "oh I'd love to come but I'm sick," or "did you see that ugly outfit that Susan was wearing last night?" and/or we talk to our children about the dangers of smoking, drinking, and/or eating unhealthily.....while we are smoking, or have a glass of wine in our hand, or sitting and chomping down a full box of cookies.

Respect and Truth:

We tell our children not to lie, not to talk about others disrespectfully, and not to do various other things. If we teach them what not to do, what message do they get when they see us doing those things?

Respect and Honesty:

I say practice what you preach. No, I'm not recommending perfection. Another way to teach children about the important things in life is by being accountable, recognizing mistakes that you make, and being able to sincerely apologize. While being a human being, honest, and living a life of what you want to see in your children; they will learn all of the lessons that need to be learned. They will learn them authentically. The rest will be easy.

Respect and Change:

Take a serious look at yourself. Figure out if you are who you'd like your children to become. It's never too late to become a better person. Be the change that you want to see in your children :) "

Is respect strong within your family? I interviewed Mark and Michele Jackson. I've known them a long time and admire their family spirit and the way they raised their two sons. Here are their parenting tips for raising respectful kids.

Respect Is Strong When Parents Take the Lead:

Jean: What do you mean?

Mark and Michelle: Parents are the leaders. Both parents need to agree to the expectations they create for their kids. Some things are never negotiated, like bedtime.

Jean: Why?

Mark and Michele: Because that settles arguments before they begin and, again, parents are the leaders. Parents need to train children when they are young.

Respect Training Must Start When Kids Are Young:

Jean: Do you have some parenting tips for training young children?

Mark and Michele: We have several. They include:

1. Lead by example.2. Be consistent.3. Each parent shows the other parent respect.4. Take kids to church.5. Say prayers together before each meal.6. The parent who cooked the meal is thanked by each member.7. Each family member gets time to share his day.8. No one interrupts.9. Everyone listens to the speaker.10. Avoid comparing one child to another child.11. Allow kids to choose their own outside activities.12. Make positive respect statements in the home.

Conclusion for Respect Is Strong When Parents Lead:

I thanked Mark and Michele for their input. I thought to myself, 'so this is how parents who lead well raise respectful kids.'

I marveled how each boy is now a man of character. Thomas has his masters in statistics and has a wide open future. Lewis is working on his masters and hopes to become a playwright. He has already written and produced several plays. I also noticed how these young men treat others respectfully too.

What about you? What do you think? Please comment in the comment link below. When you do, I'll send you a gift with 7 Parenting Tips for Encouraging Respectful Behavior.

How do you know if your teenager has self respect? I interviewed a teen named Paula. Some of her answers surprised me. Maybe they'll surprise you too.

I asked Paula to give 5 endings to the phrase:

1. Teenagers Show Self Respect By...

P. Laughing with each other.

J. What do you mean?

P. Laughing with each other shows respect because it shows the teenager likes herself enough to make friends and have fun together.

2. Teenagers Show Self Respect By...

P. Caring for their belongings.

J. How does that show self respect?

P. Some kids lose or trash their things and expect their parents to get them new things, like cell phones, computers, or clothes. A teenager who takes care of their belongings shows they have respect for those things. They also show respect for their parents because they won't be asking for replacements. They show self respect because they are being responsible.

3. Teenagers Show Self Respect By...

P. Standing up for themselves when they are bullied.

J. How?

P. Teenagers show self respect when they don't listen to bullies who say bad things about them. These teenagers think enough of themselve to know that the bad things said are not true. They'll turn and walk away because they don't let the mean words get to them.

4. Teenagers Show Self Respect By...

P. Not caving into pressure from other teenagers just to be liked.

J. What do you mean.

P. This ties it all together. They care about their bodies and choose not to do bad things to it just because others are doing it.

5. Teenagers Show Self Respect By...

P. Being close with their familes.

J. How does "close with their families" fit in with self respect?

Other teenagers see that your family influences you more because you respect your family. Because you are a member of your family, it shows that you respect yourself too.

Conclusion for Interview on Self Respect with a Teenager:

I appreciated this interview with Paula because she's headed in a good direction. Paula showed the importantce of self respect in liking yourself, laughing with friends, standing up for yourself, not caving into pressure, and being close with your family. She also tied self respect to taking care of her belongings.

Action Step for You to Take with Your Teen, Tween, or Younger Child:

Ask your children to give you 5 endings to "Kids Show Self Respect by..." Then get them to discuss each answer. You may be surprised.

What about you? What do you think? Please comment in the comment link below. When you do, I'll send you a gift with 7 Parenting Tips for Encouraging Respectful Behavior.

Do your kids show respect to others? Or are their manners so bad they embarrass you? Let's find out how to teach kids to be polite from today's expert and my friend, Colleen Holbrook, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and a Child Mental Health Specialist.

"When I think about helping parents raise respectful children I imagine conversations I've had with parents.

Lead by example. Let your children see you talk to people respectfully, especially when you may be annoyed such as when driving or dissatisfied with the food or service with a restaurant staff person. Just remember you are always teaching your children by your example. Here are some manners I consider important:

6 Specific Manners for Teaching Kids Respect and Manners

1. Talk to your children with respect. It's nice for parents to say please, thank you, and excuse me to their kids. It becomes normal and it will be how they talk too.

2. Teach them to open and hold doors for others. This is about being considerate. If your child is first to the door and there are others behind him, teach him to hold it open.

3. Teach them to give their seat up for the elderly or pregnant women at a bus stop or anywhere where there is a bench or seating.

4. Don't allow your kids to push themselves into crowds in public functions. Teach them to wait their turn and to say, "Excuse me," whenever they bump into someone.

6. Teach them to make eye contact, smile, and say, "hello and good bye.” Depending on the child's age and personality it may be a victory just to get the hello out. That's okay. Again, you lead by example and they will be more comfortable when they need to use this.

When you teach your children manners, expect them to use them. Manners don't just happen. They take practice and follow through.

3 Practical Ways for Teaching Kids to Be Respectful and Polite:

1. Make time to discuss the importance of manners. Read bedtime books with themes around taking turns, asking instead of talking, and other important skills little kids need to learn. Make it fun.

2. Ask your children to make up their own examples of when they or someone else used or didn't use their manners. They can draw pictures and make up a story if they like.

3. If kids act disrespectfully, respond instantly. Never allow this bad habit to creep into your relationships with your kids. If someone gets really upset and makes this mistake, there needs to be acknowledgement, an apology, a consequence and forgiveness to move on, but not before the others steps.

Too often parents want to avoid conflict and will "ignore" a disrespectful comment or snip from a child or teen. Let them know in no uncertain terms what is acceptable and what is not. Being rude to a parent is most certainly not.

Sometimes when siblings have ongoing battles that seem to keep repeating themselves, I will have them role-play what happens typically and then do it another way that includes manners. This is especially helpful around asking instead of grabbing.

Some families get so busy that they rarely have time to come together. A weekly family meeting where everyone is expected to attend can remedy the break down in communication that often results when family members get too busy.

Much has been written about family meetings, but to put it simply it's an opportunity to talk about how all family member are doing. It's a time to reinforce the family rules and expectations. I often hear of one sibling getting mad at another for getting into their things. Addressing this at a family meeting would mean the issue could be solved instead of being ignored and doomed to repeat itself thus creating more family conflict.

Family Meetings can be as casual or as formal as the family wants. It's an excellent way to build cohesiveness among the members.~ Colleen Holbrook, LICSW, CMHS http://www.colleenholbrook.com

What about you? What do you think?

Please comment in the comment link below. When you do, I'll send you a gift with 7 Parenting Tips for Encouraging Respectful Behavior.

With warm wishes,

Jean Tracy, MSS

Two More Things:

Sign up for this Parenting Skills Blog at http://www.ParentingSkillsBlog.com and receive this FREE Gift - 33 Expert Ways to Motivate Your Kids

Most parents can tell if their kids respect them. They can tell from their children's words, attitudes, and actions. I met with Scott and Andrea, the parents of two daughters. I asked them the questions below.

How Would Parents Know Their Kids Respect Them?

1. Parents wouldn't have to repeat their requests. Kids would do what parents ask the first time.

2. Kids would listen to what parents say without interrupting.

3. Kids wouldn't raise their voices or be sarcastic to their parents.

4. Kids would volunteer to help parents.

5. Kids would perform kind acts at home.

6. Children would ask for what they want with positive statements instead of whining.

7. When entering a room, kids would see what needs to be done and do it without being asked.

How Would Kids Know Parents Respect Them?

1. Parents would speak kindly of their children in front of others. No jokes at kids expense!

2. Parents would avoid making their child feel stupid when she isn't good at something.

3. Parents would ask kids for their opinions.

4. At family meetings parents would ask, 'Is there anything I did this past week you wish I had done differently?'

5. At family meetings parents would have each child give compliments to each member.

6. Parents would form the habit of looking for the good in their kids and telling them.

7. Parents would show kids how to get along from their own example.

After the interview, I marveled at how easily these parents came up with great ideas. Good parenting was important to them. Obviously, they gave parenting a lot of thought and consideration.

What about you? What do you think? Please comment in the comment link below. When you do, I'll send you a gift with 7 Parenting Tips for Encouraging Respectful Behavior.