A Field Guide to Terrible Guys

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Worried about dating? Never fear! pandasaurus1 is here to save you from a billion dating mistakes! —Sparkitors

I have dated a pretty decent amount in my short lifetime and I have seen it all. You see, Sparklers and Manklers, I consider myself to be a reformed settler. In another life I was the kind of girl who attracted the wrong guys, giving these guys the benefit of the doubt and settling for less than what I deserved because I had close to NO self esteem. After some self-discovery, I have found my confidence pants under a pile of dirty laundry. Fortunately for you, I’m making metaphorical lemonade from my metaphorical lemons and creating a quick field guide of what to look out for in the crazy jungle that is the world of dating.TYPE 1: The Clingster

Common line: “OMG we’ve been dating for a week and I already can’t live without you!” or “If you ever break up with me, I’ll literally kill myself.”

Characteristics of this beast: Extremely clingy, borderline obsessive. Probably has very low self-esteem and preys on other forms of life for self-affirmation.

Why you should run: Anyone who is ready to commit in a short time probably needs to take a cold shower and settle down. Though I’m sure you’re awesome, that level of emotion after only a week or two of dating only happens in the most farfetched stories. In extreme cases, this person may need professional help.

TYPE 2: The Player

Common line(s): “There are people LINING UP to be with me, but I choose to be with you.”or “I want to be with you, but I don’t want people to KNOW I’m with you.” or “Sometimes, you’re too weird for me.”

Characteristics of this beast: Pompous jerkface who wants you to feel lucky to be with him. This creature tends to be manipulative and often insulting.

Why you should run: Although it may sound sweet, he is probably trying to make you feel like he could get anyone he wants. This means he's been paying attention to other girls, which means he's not satisfied with you. He may try to make you do things you don't want to by acting as if he's doing you a favor.

TYPE 3: The Playster

Common line: “You’re the kind of person I could see myself marrying, but I’m not done ‘sowing my wild oats yet.’”

Characteristics of this beast: Hybrid of the Player and the Clingster

Why you should run: This beast is a combination of two nasty creatures. This individual expects you to wait in the wings while they do whatever they darn well please with any number of other people.

TYPE 4: The Creep

Common line: “You’re the only happiness in my life. I wish I could wrap myself up in you and go to sleep.” or “I want to watch you sleep.” or “Can I have a strand of your hair for my shrine- er- research?”

Characteristics of this beast: Obsessive. This creature may drive past your house frequently and is the pre-evolved stage of the stalker.

Why you should run: Don’t run. SPRINT (preferably to the nearest court house to get a restraining order).