Being Mormon, Lesbian, and In Love…

As I sit in Fast and Testimony meeting this morning I hear one man speak of families. He expresses the immense joy he feels in his life because he has a wife and family. He says he has recently been wondering why families are so important to our Heavenly Father that all of His spirit children are born into and raised in families. He then answers his own question by stating, “it is because within marriage and families we learn to love like God”. “Exactly”, I thought, “that is exactly why I proposed to my girlfriend two weeks ago”. I want to become like my Heavenly Father and learn to love others unconditionally, and I want the opportunity to be married to help me refine that process.

Having been born and raised in the LDS church I always wanted and planned on getting married and someday having a family. But as time passed I realized that I didn’t feel the same way about boys that my friends did. In my 20’s I became aware that I was gay after a year-long romantic relationship with a roommate at BYU. For the first time in my life I fell in love. It felt amazing. It felt normal. It felt natural and easy. It was by far the best feeling I had ever had. It was also really perplexing to me. My church taught that those kinds of relationships were not of God, so how could it feel so amazing? Being gay did not fit the plan I had for myself as a Latter Day Saint. I wanted to marry in the temple. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to do what I thought Heavenly Father wanted me to do. So I said an excruciating and heart wrenching no to that love and I buried and denied that part of me. Then I set out to find a man with whom I could feel the same feelings I felt with my roommate. I thought it would be easier because now I knew what love felt like. I just needed to find it again, only this time with a man.

For 20 years I denied a core part of my identity and remained a good, active, and faithful member of the church. And I dated. I dated a lot, always yearning to feel the same feelings of emotional connection and being in love that I felt with my roommate. In nearly three decades of dating (if you count from the age of 16 when I began dating) I never even came close. At first I thought there was something wrong with me. People told me I was too picky. Other people told me I’m too intimidating because I had a successful career. Other people just told me someday the right one would come along. After a while I pretty much gave up on dating and resigned to live my life alone. I had a mostly happy life but something big was missing, and I knew it.

Then, about 2 ½ years ago, at the age of 44, I began to finally deal honestly with being gay. The moment that all the pieces came together hit me hard and forced me to confront my sexuality. It was one of the most awful moments of my life. Thoughts of my future in this life and into the eternities suddenly fell down hard on me, the heaviest burden I have ever felt. Like so many gay Mormons I experienced severe depression for several months and even some suicidal thinking. I couldn’t bear the thought of never experiencing love again in this life and of never even hoping for it. In addition, of course, were the questions of my eternal happiness. The church taught I would need to be sealed to a man at some point in order to receive eternal happiness. And yet, the thought of being with a man for eternity did not feel like happiness to me. I also could not imagine ever leaving the church I loved, with all my friends and family and which I believed contained the gospel of Jesus Christ. The agony and despair I felt at that time was over whelming. I barely ate. I barely slept. I knew I needed something to keep me going so I read the Book of Mormon daily. It was like an IV drip of spiritual nourishment and I depended on it. Still, I had questions. Did Heavenly Father give me the ability to bond with and fall in love with another human being and then require me to not use it as a condition of my salvation? I had been taught that gay relationships were sinful. But I knew that the relationship I had earlier with my roommate felt beautiful and freeing and wonderful. How could I possibly ever find happiness within a religion that would not allow me the companionship, romance, love, and spiritual and emotional connection with another person that comes naturally to me? I wrestled with these questions. Eventually I began to ask myself a different question: Could it be possible to live the faith that I love AND also live in a way that is true to who I am?

In the LDS faith we believe in the power of personal revelation. I had relied on the guidance of the spirit many times in my life as a missionary, in my personal and professional life, and most importantly, to teach me of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon. I sought out and felt the spirit often and felt gratitude for the blessings of the Holy Ghost. I had developed a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father and had a firm testimony of the gospel. I trusted in God’s love and concern for me as one of his daughters. Although I had always prayed, in my darkest hour, I turned to Him with more frequency and intent than I ever had before. In the months following my new awareness of being gay my couch became a place I often knelt beside to pray. One evening (and there were many) as I sobbed and pled with the Lord for guidance I felt an overwhelming calm, peace, and sense of love from Him. In that moment I imagined a host of angels surrounding me ready to shore me up. I knew then that Heavenly Father knew exactly who I was, gay and all, that I have always been this way, and that this fact was precisely what I was meant to learn and live with during my earthly probation.

After countless hours and months of studying, pondering, and praying, and line upon line, I had a number of other spiritual experiences that reaffirmed God’s love, kindness and mercy for me. He led me to know that not only does He love me more than I can imagine, He also wants me to enjoy the blessings and challenges and the refining process of committing my life to loving and serving the person that I love, even if that person is another woman. Eventually I began dating again, only this time I looked for the gender that was right for me, the gender that would allow me to truly bond, connect, and find happiness and meaning with another human soul.

Believe me, I am well aware that this makes no sense to most of my family and friends. It leads many to feel angry, sad, and confused. Some of my family members have largely shut me out of their lives. Some have asked me to pretend to be someone other than who I am, “for the sake of the kids”. Some do not “condone” my choices and have bluntly and harshly told me so. It is interesting to me that they are so concerned about my eternal happiness that they presently say hurtful and judgmental comments to me about my choices. I can’t help but think this is such a wonderful opportunity for them to teach their children about Christ- like love in action. Even if they never agree with gay marriage, to teach their children that just because someone is different, they are every bit as worthy of love and belonging as anyone else, would be a very powerful message. Fortunately for me I also have members of my family who are supportive of me. Additionally, I have some friends and ward members who, likewise, value my friendship and affirm me on a regular basis. I am SO thankful for them. Regardless of how others respond to me, however, my assignment has always been and will always be, to “love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them that despitefully use you and persecute you”. Love, love, love. It has always been the answer and it will always be the answer.

I am a different person than I was 2 ½ years ago. I have a stronger relationship with my Heavenly Father. I have a more clear understanding of who I am and what my responsibility is in this life. I have felt the power of the atonement in my heart as I have struggled to choose love and patience over anger and resentment. I know what I have felt and experienced as I have searched for answers and have tried to put my trust in the personal promptings I have been given. I am so excited and thrilled to be getting married in two months to the woman I love. I feel the love of my Heavenly Father within this relationship. I am so grateful to Heavenly Father who, in his kindness and mercy, has shown me how I can be my authentic self and still have a meaningful and solid relationship with Him and my Savior. Although it is not as it once was, I look forward to continuing my relationship with the LDS church, the church I love, where thankfully, I have many kind and loving friends.

Laura lives in Boise Idaho between the Boise River and the foothills with her dog, cat, and chickens where she enjoys kayaking, nordic skiing, and all 4 seasons. She works as a mental health counselor and is excited to be marrying her best friend very soon.

I find it hard to understand how members can accept church policy and attitudes that are so opposed to love and acceptance. THen i remember being a missionary in mississippi in the 60’s. We we told not to contact negroes or to offer them the gospel because of their race and social status and because of the attitudes of church members. It took me a while to realize how church teachings can be in opposition to love and acceptance. I read of a momma dragon who told how it was not the church who taught her what real love is about, but her gay son.

It’s not church teachings that are opposed to love and acceptance, it’s Gods laws that can’t be changed to appease those who want to break them. Sure we show love to Gays, but cannot accept breaking the law of chastity just to make them feel accepted.

So happy that you have found love. Heavenly Father created us as and he did this that we can find love and happiness, even if it is not the conventional “church” sanctioned relationship. God is more than church! He knows us better than we know ourselves and we should never be ashamed of our love and relationships. Perhaps it is the church that fails to fully comprehend God’s individual plan for each of us. Regardless, the relationships that God guides us to are so special and wonderful. We should embrace them and not feel any shame!

I’m so sorry that such a sweet sister has to go through life with this challenge, Heavenly Father DOES LOVE ALL HIS CHILDREN as you have so sweetly written. I am not perfect enough to judge, so I leave that to OUR SAVIOR to explain ALL the challenges we find ourselves in, in this life, and love the sister you are who is struggling with the rest of HIS children through this “trial” of our willingness to obey HIM in faith! GOD BLESS YOU IN YOUR QUEST FOR EXALTATION!

Laura, I am in awe of your explanation of your struggles throughout these many years. I know the Church’s position can not waver on this issue because of the needs of mortality to stay within the teachings from our Savior on this subject. I do have family members who are making this same choice and I see their struggles too, with all the same problems so eloquently expressed here. No one but our Savior can make final judgments, and we know that will happen in the next life. All of us can only hope the love He has for us can see through the many issues so arduously tied to this life and still show compassion for us. Thank you for your desire to tell those of us who have come to know and love your sweet spirit without knowing of your struggles. My dear departed companion expressed many times how special you were in your compassion to her and for others tied to that life saving event every week… I agree, and hope for your happiness however you define it.

Dialysis, Your comment is filled with so much love. Thanks for sharing that. I will add that I am having a hard time finding where the Savior himself has weighed in on this issue. I have hear church leaders say it isn’t right, but as I have studied I have found them to be very wrong at times. I feel that part of “following Christ” may not always be in line with “follow the Prophet”. I think we should only follow the Prophet when we pray and get the feeling from the Holy Ghost confirms it. There are even quotes from church leaders saying that what the Prophet says isn’t binding on us UNTIL we get that confirmation.
I hope this does not feel like I am attacking you as I honestly feel the love in your short comment. I am just trying to explain how I feel and maybe ask others to consider/contemplate it.

Laura, I wish you all the blessings in your marriage to the person who the heavenly father has brought into your life. May you both always be filled with happiness, joy, peace, and LOVE. There is nothing better than having the courage to live your authentic self outwardly. I pray that family members who have struggled will one day come around, and that you continue to surround yourself with those who support you and your spouse. I also pray for other LDS lesbians and gays who struggle to fit in, that the spirit may speak to them and offer the same strength and clarity that allows them to live their authentic lives before too much time passes, or before they take steps to force themselves into an unfulfilling and disingenuine marriage based purely in the expectations of others which in the end is unfair to the individual they are marrying because they too end up impacted by such a forced union. Best of luck to you and yours, and may the next 44 years be the very best!

What should some one do who is attracted to children or animals, since a person can’t control one’s sexuality? Bisexuals should’t be limited to one person, nor should polygamists. Catholic priests are celibate. We all have the power to choose how we live regardless of our attractions.
I know many of you are rolling your eyes right now, but you are not being intellectually honest if you don’t allow all adults to live out their varied sexualities. Who are you to proclaim that only relationships between two single adults are acceptable? Many other cultures have accepted a myriad of sexual scenarios as ok. I suspect that our society will, in the future, have no sexual standards. I do feel for all in the LGBTQ community. They are born with strong feelings which they can control; just as all of us are.
With your line of thinking, we will open it up to an anything goes mentality. It is just a matter of time. Think of how fast many of your opinions have changed on this subject in the past decade.

Oh Lynn, Bless your heart. Thank you for your deep concern and empathy for the LGBTQ community. It’s not about being unable to control sexual desires. It’s about finding love with another human. It’s not about who you want to go to bed with. It’s about who you want to wake up with. You seem to be obsessed with the sexual component in relationships, so I will add my opinion that there is nothing bad about “allowing other ADULTS to live out their varied sexualities” WHEN NO ONE IS HARMED. Why are you equating a homosexual relationship with pedophilia and polygamy and bestiality? You do you, and let others be.

I’ve been studying the affects that dis- embodied evil spirits can have on us….when some of our ancestors die with certain addictions that can no longer be satisfied now they find themselves now in spirit…they attach to family members who allow them to act out their physical addictions through alive bodies….
When the natural man / woman gives in to those temptations, they become subject to those evil influences who carry them further away from the truth…
Examples….don’t follow everything the Prophet says…..this thought is leading one away into apostasy ….until eventually the spirit of truth and light becomes dulled and the chains of hell bind ….
The Savior taught ” be ye therefore perfect, even as I am perfect in the Father” of course he loves us…but he also teaches …no unclean thing can dwell where God dwells….the atonement is for everyone of us….so we can repent …in this life and not have to suffer, as Our Savior has already suffered for every mistake, heartache, illness, hurt and human weakness….
May we each cast away the evil one and follow Our Loving Savior, no matter the cost.

The Barker Brothers’ Projects

These videos were created for Latter-day Saint parents and allies to voice their love for their LGBT brothers and sisters, sons and daughters. They want to give a message of comfort and support to other parents who are navigating the difficult conflicts that can arise in families around this issue.

“Cogito!” (“I think!”) follows the intellectual adventures of a recovering academic outside the walls of academia.

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"It is not as a child that I believe and confess Jesus Christ. My hosanna is born of a furnace of doubt." (Fyodor Dostoevsky)