Sharing Inspiring Self-Help Wisdom By Author, Marilyn Fowler

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Self Awareness

“There is more to us than we know. If we can be made to see it, perhaps for the rest of our lives we will be unwilling to settle for less.” ~ Kurt Hahn

Have you ever watched children at play? Oftentimes they’re someplace in their own little world of imagined adventures. They drift in and out as freely as a leaf in the wind or ocean waves leaping in the sea. Their minds are open, and their experiences are endless in a theta state of awareness. It’s a state of consciousness we all experience when we give up some of our busy doings and relax enough to hear.

Our brain functions in several states of awareness composed of brain waves. Electrical activity in the brain generatesfour basic categories of brain waves with specific states of consciousness–beta,alpha, theta, and delta–from very alert to deep sleep. In general terms, beta is when you’re awake and alert; alpha is a frequency range between beta and theta and promotes relaxation and drowsiness; theta is a state of actual sleep and dreaming, but also light sleep and daydreaming; and delta is deep, dreamless sleep promoting healing and regeneration. What a wonder our mind is.

Theta, in a barely conscious semi-hypnotic state, can access our subconscious and experience free flowing ideas that increase insight, intuition, and creative thinking, and discharge old or new unresolved emotions. Alpha and theta can occur during meditation, but can occur any time. It’s what happens when tasks are automatic, like driving a familiar route, then drift into daydreaming, and miss your familiar turn off, or on the other hand, remember your third grade teacher’s name. This is a valuable tool when used wisely.

Every now and then I get spontaneous messages when I first wake in the morning. At first I thought I could remember the messages, but when totally awake I forgot them. So now I quickly write themdown. Some pertain to my spiritual growth, some to my writing, and some are random. I’d like to share a few with you as they came to me.

“Hold the vision. Trust the process.” ~ Author Unknown

Messages pertaining to my spiritual growth are on a bulletin board next to my computer. They’re usually very short, but powerful, like the ones that say, “God restores…with mercy,” or “Look to the light. The light is your way to freedom.” One time I spent several days trying to solve a problem. Then, while standing on a porch just watching clouds move across the sky, I heard, “Leave the orchestration to God. He knows the music.” What a great reminder.

When I’m writing and get stuck, I go outside to my swing on the patio. There I whistle with the birds and relax, and suddenly the very idea, phrase, or whatever I was reaching for comes to me clearly. And my writing flows again. One morning when barely awake, I heard a woman’s voice in southern dialect telling about her life in the hills with her Granmama. I was absolutely astounded with this unfamiliar scenario out of nowhere. But I had fun creating a life for this family in my book, “Me And Granmama In The Hill Country.”

“The quieter you become, the more you can hear.” ~Ram Dass

I believe most of us, if not all, have had theta experiences. But how much richer our world would be if we created time to explore this part of who we are. When you first wake in the morning, do you jump right up and get going? Do you keep your mind active with all of those important issues you can’t live without? Do you interpret intuition and daydreaming as wasteful time? Instead of pushing your brain to move, slow down and allow it to flow with messages to enhance your life. “When you tap into your own magnificence, align with the Divine, and get in perpetual flow with the Universe, miracles happen.” ~Debbie Takara Shelor Spend quiet time each day and allow your body to relax and your mind to clear. Meditation is a great help. And lay quietly just after waking and before sleep. Don’t think…don’t anticipate…don’t encourage anything to happen. Simply let go and be! Messages I’ve received were never of my bidding. They just happened. And I welcomed them. I think the secret is in learning to assume areceptive vibration, and when you need something your mind will respond. Take the time and welcome your miracles.

As we go through life, we’re joined by others on our journey. Some stay with us, while others, sometimes through divorce, may leave or remain in a different capacity. But each one is there for a purpose. I’ve heard it said we come together for a blessing, but sometimes that blessing comes from learning a painful lesson. Divorce and the major life change can bring that blessing as one grows through it.

Maybe you’re dealing with divorce or know someone who is. Or divorce is somewhere in your past. If so, you know how it turns life upside down and makes you question what was real or what was just a dream you thought was real. It makes you question yourself and who you thought you were. And you don’t know the answers. You just know it hurts, and you’re not sure of your next step when it’s over.

“You must let suffering speak, if you want to hear the truth.” ~ Cornel West.

Mine was one of confusion. I wanted the divorce, but felt no joy when I received it. I’d like to share an excerpt from my book, Silent Echoes, about my reaction when I received my divorce papers. “One afternoon I was getting ready for work and watching for the mailman to bring my final divorce decree, ready to celebrate my freedom and put the past behind me. The divorce papers came, but afforded no comfort. I walked down the hall toward my bedroom and read the return address, Clerk of the Circuit Court. A strange feeling gnawed at my stomach. Where was the joy? My hands shook as I removed the legal papers and read words I didn’t understand, but knowing it said the marriage was over. I felt my body slide to the floor, suddenly consumed with sadness and confusion. My tired back rested against the wall. I mourned what I’d imagined as a child but never found with my husband. What happened? Why had it been such a mess? How could we have failed so miserably? I put my head on my knees and watched my tears sink down into the dark green carpet.”
Time brought survival, but I still had much to learn, working through one turbulent experience after another in pursuit of freedom to express my true self. We all move at our own pace on our journey, and each experience is like peeling an onion, one layer at a time toward freedom.
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“You can do the impossible, because you have been through the unimaginable.” ~ Christina Rasmussen

If you are experiencing a divorce: Internal and external issues create a need for inner and outer recovery work. And you may feel like you’ve been socked in the belly and can’t get up. So right now make a determined intention, commitment, to recovery. And write down your recovery statement.
Then find someone who can help you through all that’s yours to do–someone who can help you restore your strength and confidence with understanding, validation, and compassion. Without guilt or judgment, own up to anything you could have done different in the marriage, but know that failed marriage is not who you are. You are still the special person as you were created. Look within for anything you need to release–anger, confusion, guilt, shame, sadness, fear, etc. And let them go.Wayne Dyer offers good advice. “Initiate a habit of choosing thoughts and ideas that support feeling good and powerful, and that elevate you to a higher level of consciousness.”

Work on putting new things in your life that inspire you. My niece became a Radiology Tech, and is now very happy working in a children’s hospital. She says that without her divorce, she would not have realized this blessing in her life. Be patient with yourself, and keep your eye on the future. That’s where your blessings appear.

If you know someone in divorce: Be there and help them with the above strategies for transition to freedom, healing, and positive change. And you will receive a blessing too.

Do you get hit with problems that feel like a storm just ripped through your life and knocked you to the ground? They can pertain to any area of your life, like loss of a loved one, a job, money, relationships, illness, etc. Sometimes they come one after the other, and drag us down. We get backup, but with each one the getting up becomes more difficult. And a wounded heart can’t take one more slice with the knife. So there’s no point in getting up again. Why not go to bed, pull the covers over your head, and just vegetate.

I wonder about this phenomenon. It’s been said that our thoughts create our life. And I believe that. But I wonder about times we seem to get caught in crap that somebody else created, and we’re thrown flat on our butt wondering what happened. Do we unknowingly attract those situations with our thoughts? Are we like the bull in a china shop, wandering around not looking where we’re stepping?

Sometimes it may take only one storm to finally do you in. I knew a man who spent his work-life dedicated to the architectural firm where he designed beautiful buildings and took pride in his work. Then when he turned 60, the younger men in the company moved him to a cubicle in the basement and gave him few assignments. His beautiful buildings remained tall in the city, but at age 62, already dealing with a heart condition, his broken heart killed him. Did he create that situation?

I also know a woman who enjoyed a relationship with a treasured friend for many years. They went through storms together, and weathered a few misunderstandings, but they helped each other through each one. Their friendship appeared strong until a new friend entered the picture with devious intent and replaced her in the friendship. The woman was trashed, and the relationship with her treasured friend ended. When she lost her friend, she was already experiencing several storms at once. Could her weakened emotional state have attracted this heart breaking experience to her?
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We may never understand precisely why or how certain situations enter our life, but we can create important changes with inner work to create or attract what we do want, and work on our subconscious belief system to prevent a lot of what we don’t want.

1. Accept where you are now–in a storm, coming out of one, or just want to learn to avoid some in the future. Quiet your mind and listen to your inner Voice for answers.2. Clarify: Ask your inner self what meaning stormy situations have in your life. What’s really going on with you. And allow yourself to feel your feelings.3. There’s power in self-awareness. Without judgment, examine the following:

A. Become aware of your conscious thought processes. Are you generally a positive or negative thinker? Do you expect trouble to follow you–or not? How do you see yourself as a person?B.Examine your negative childhood messages. ie You don’t deserve anything, you’re selfish, you’re boring, no one wants to hear you, etc.C.Look for behavior patterns. ie Are you outgoing or timid? Do you finish what you start? Do you often get angry? Are you trustworthy? etc.D. What are you afraid of? ie People won’t like you, you’ll sound stupid, you won’t measure up, etc.
4. Once you’ve become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and actions, keep what you want,and change what you don’t want, if anything. What do you want to be, have, and do? Know what you want to create in your self and your life, and begin creating.
5. Ask the Universe for what you want. And know in your deepest being that it’s already yours. Just be open and receptive to receive your blessings.

Life is not without storms. But as you grow, they will be fewer, and you will have all you need to get back up and move forward. Think, practice your changes, and trust in your ability to flow with theUniverse. And accept and love your beautiful self.

“Anger is a great force. If you control it, it can be transmuted into a power which can move the whole world.” ~ William Shenstone ~

It’s yours. That natural human emotion you may sometimes use as a remedy to relieve a sense of fear, frustration, invalidation, loss, whatever hurts; the results of your perceptions about external experiences and internal pain. And you let your anger loose on someone or some thing. Deep down, you know it usually doesn’t solve anything, except maybe give you a false sense of satisfaction and power. Yes, it’s yours. And perhaps you’ve actually given it power over you. But you don’t have to hang onto it.

During my years of angry outbursts, I too believed that lashing out would stop my pain. But it left me exhausted, and I still hurt inside. But I knew no other way. Then I learned there’s another side to this phenomenon. Anger can be useful, if you can see it as a tool for positive change, rather than a remedy that doesn’t work. It can help you understand your fears and correct your erroneous beliefs about yourself or others. Yes, it needs to be controlled, but it can help you be more of what you want to be.

Anger tells us there’s something inside that needs our close attention, and it’s not caused by an external experience or our own imperfection. You can’t change other people, and you can’t be perfect. But you can change your inner beliefs and perceptions, the real causes of your anger. The better you know and understand yourself, the better you’re able to deal with destructive anger.

Inner Work.

1. Begin your search for answers.

a. Write letters to yourself with questions: What am I afraid of? What in me feels threatened? What in me needs changing?

b. Write down whatever answers you get.

c. Now confront each answer with positive descriptions of yourself, whether you believe it or not. Belief will come as you practice. Emphasize peace, strength, power, etc.

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2. Choose a quiet time each day to close your eyes and recall times when you were angry, and analyze what you were feeling then. Without judgment, be honest and clear about those feelings. Then surround the anger and your feelings with a bright light of love and say, “Now I choose to release youwith love.” And watch them float away. If this process seems difficult, take some deep breaths and begin again. It will become easier.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. Will Rogers

Outer Work.

1. While you’re working on inner changes, you need a way to stop anger from taking over in the first place. When anger suddenly grabs you in the pit of your stomach, that’s when you need to breathe deep and say a key word like, No, Stop, Think, Whoa, whatever has strong meaning for you and will immediately stop you in your tracks. Yes, one word can do it. Stomping your foot helps too.

2. Now acknowledge your anger and refocus your attention on affirming statements. I don’t need tobe right all the time; I’m fine just like I am; this can be fixed; that other person is just a big bag of wind; Ihave a right to be in control of my actions; etc. Use whatever fits to stop the feeling before it becomes full blown. Now you’re on your way to taming the tiger. Work with it until it gives up.

Anger is pure energy, and it may still pop up once in a while. But you can use it to your advantage. If that happens, do something ‘active’. I do my best house cleaning when I’m angry. You can turn this enemy into an ally. Allow this energy to increase self-awareness and help you grow in truth.

“T0 transform the emptiness of loneliness to the fullness of aloneness. Ah, that is the secret of life.” ~ Sunita Khosla ~

We’ve all been lonely at times, but some of us live with it constantly. We cry in the night and hold back tears in the day, hiding it from others. Sometimes we try to tell someone about it, but they don’t hear our pain. They just offer empty remedies when all we want is to be heard with understanding and compassion so we don’t feel so alone. Must we live like this forever? Or is there a way out, a way to feel whole again. Yes. Yes.

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Identify: The first step to healing is to identify why you’re lonely. There are some who really don’t know why. They’ve tried all the remedies, but it’s still there. Loneliness can come from many sources; loss of a loved one, divorce, illness, isolation, rejection, loss of a job, etc. Maybe you’re been lonely as far back as you can remember and it feels like a piece of your heart is missing. Perhaps your loneliness is the result of childhood experiences that left you feeling unloved and alone. But once the reason for loneliness is identified, something can be done about it.

Inner work: It’s important to stop resisting your loneliness and allow yourself to be where you are now. You must do the work from where you are. Whenever you feel lonely, it’s your inner child that’s crying, so take some quiet time each day and talk to that child about the feelings–more often when you think of it. Reassure your inner child they are never alone; that you, the adult, are always there with love andcomfort. This is especially important when you’re loneliness is the result of a childhood experience from which you never fully recovered.

Creativity: While doing the inner work, use your God-given gift of creativity to help you feel more alive. There’s something uplifting in seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, or tasting something you’ve actually created and saying, “Wow. I created that.” Plant a garden, make quilts or wind chimes, write stories, make something to eat that nobody else knows how to make–anything creative. Better yet, join a group that’s doing something you like to do, or used to like to do before you got lonely. Lonely people are usually tired a lot, so begin slow until your energy picks up. Creativity will bring it back.

When I was working, I had a patient who could no longer bend or stoop due to a back injury. He felt lonely and useless until through therapy, he found a way to lie on the ground, rest his head with one hand, dig in the dirt with the other, and grow a flower garden. One day he brought me a beautiful lily plant he’d grown, and his face was alive with joy. He grinned and told me he didn’t need to cry anymore.

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” ~Albert Schweitzer~

Let people in: You’ve heard that a lonely person just needs to find some friends, be around people. But usually lonely people don’t want to be around others. They can’t face pretending they’re okay when they’re not. But it’s important to be around someone who can listen and understand. If there’s someone like that in your life, swallow your fear and go to them. If not, find a therapist or clergy to be heard andvalidated. Go slow, and as you feel the loneliness lift, open your heart and reach out to others. Theyneed you too.

You may always miss someone or something you’ve lost. But you don’t have to spend your life feeling the pain of loneliness. You have the ability to “create” a new kind of life for yourself with people you love and many happy adventures ahead of you.

Looks like that hotdog knows how great he is, and he doesn’t mind flaunting it. I think he knows about validation, because to feel you’re that awesome, you must feel a sense of validation. That’s something we all crave in life, an inherent need. Oprah Winfrey said it well, “I’ve talked to 30,000 people on this show and they all wanted was validation. Everybody wants to know, “Doyou see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything?” And I would add, “Do ‘I’ mean anything?”

We begin learning about ourselves as children. Do you remember when you were a kid, and people made negative comments about you? It can have a profound effect. When I was a child, at home I was forbidden to express any problems, negative feelings, or opinions, and I felt awkward saying anything. Then that little invalidating voice inside with its big mouth would say, “No one wants to see or hear you, so you don’t mean anything.” And I believed that jerk. I’ve always been a short person, so making matters worse, my bullying classmates at school sometimes asked a jolting question, “Are you standing in a hole, or are you really that short?”

Well, I was one invisible mixed up kid, not like that hotdog who knows who he is. It took me a long time to learn that other’s opinions are not me. I’m already me. Sometimes that invalidating voice still pops up in my mind, but now I know that’s a jerk to be ignored.

Have you ever been talking to someone and noticed the intent look on their face as they listen? That look that says they really see you, they hear you. That’s the look that says, “you have value, you belong”. But what about the other looks that say, “get outa here, you’re not worth listening to”. The positive response feeds your soul, and the negative hurts your heart. You feel like a yoyo. And that’s life. So can anyone really give you true validation? Other people have their opinions, but the real truth is within. And that’s the only place to find your greatest self, who you really are, no matter what happens on the outside.

Your greatness in this world was established when you were created, and no one can validate or invalidate that. You’ve always had it. It’s real. It’s yours. And you can’t get it out there. So look within and affirm your authenticated self. Enjoy the ones who warm your heart and see that greatness in you. And thumb your nose at the other stuff. You know who you are, and you are awesome!