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"Mainiacs away from Maine are truly displaced persons, only half alive, only half aware of their immediate surroundings. Their inner attention is always preoccupied and pre-empted by the tiny pinpoint on the face of the globe called Down East. They try to live not in such a manner that they will eventually be welcomed into Paradise, but only so that someday they can go home to Maine."
-- Louise Dickinson Rich

stuff and awww and kvetching

Yesterday I dropped Calvin off at the airport, went to Trader Joe’s and stocked up on salads for my lunches and dinners for this week (I do NOT cook for myself if I don’t have to – this behavior hearkens back to when I was single and eating plates of asparagus for dinner), got home, folded/hung up/otherwise put away five loads of clean laundry, got the call from the company in Maine for me to fly out and interview with them next week, freaked out a little bit, did some work-work, washed and dried the sheets and put them back on the bed, talked to Calvin when he landed in Texas, did some more work-work, dusted and de-cluttered the bedroom, talked to Calvin as he was driving from the airport to his hotel, cleaned the kitchen for an HOUR (even though that is MICHAEL’S JOB but I was sick of seeing the mess after three days of not getting done and apparently the “talk” that Calvin had with him last week did LOADS of good), talked to Calvin when he got to his hotel room, worked out, fed the dogs, fed the cat, fed the lizards, fed myself, talked to Calvin while he was at a restaurant eating his dinner, read off and on, got the coffee ready for the morning, packed my lunch for the next day, read some more, talked to Calvin before he went to bed, then went to bed myself at about 9:30.

When Calvin is away I tend to keep myself busy. Tonight I plan on giving the dogs a bath, moving Lucy to her own tank because Cheeto keeps picking on her, watching the next disc in season two of Battlestar Galactica, and probably reading some more.

As of yesterday, Marie is officially moved out. I say officially, even though she’s been pretty much living with her boyfriend for a couple of months, because she removed all of her clothing, her stereo, and her snake. She and her boyfriend are sharing a house with another friend of theirs (they were staying at his mom’s house before), about two minutes away from our house. She doesn’t want me to come over and see their place until “everything is put away and set up and CLEAN”. Heh. They went shopping for towels and linens and bedding yesterday. Heh again. I remember when that kind of stuff used to be sooooo coooool. Playing house is fun, in the beginning.

I haven’t seen much of Michael since he got his motorcycle back up and running on Sunday night. I’m kind of annoyed at him right now, for the whole not-doing-the-kitchen thing, among other things. Calvin’s talking-to should have had him stepping up and doing his chores and LOOKING for other things to do around the house, just to please us. I also researched and printed up a LOOOONG list of potential jobs that he could be applying to, since he doesn’t make enough at his current job to enable him to move out, and he didn’t seem inclined to do the research himself. To my knowledge, he hasn’t followed up on any of those. Calvin told Michael that he had to be out by August 31st, and that we needed to see a plan from him on how he’s going to be out by then. So far, not a peep of what he’s done or what he’s doing or what he’s going to do. When he is around, he’s either asleep or upstairs with his girlfriend. When he isn’t around, he’s either at work or hanging out elsewhere with his girlfriend.

So, I am frustrated. It got to the point a long time ago where I am just as civil to him as the situation warrants, but I don’t go out of my way to talk or be nice or much of anything. My shoulders creep up to my ears and my neck ceases up when I hear him come home, and I pretty much just want to close myself in my bedroom and avoid dealing with him altogether. I feel guilty for feeling this way, until I remind myself that his behavior has eroded away my good regard of him until there is not much left but this feeling I have right now.

Michael is the type of person where you can have a “talk” with him, and even yell at him, and even maybe have an argument, and the next day (sometimes that very same day) he will expect everything to be just dandy. As if to say, “What, you’re still mad at me? But that was yesterday.” He’s been eroding away my good regard for a long time, so it’s going to take the same amount of time on good behavior to get my good regard back. I don’t think he understands this.

And according to my estimation, “good behavior” hasn’t even started yet. The issues I’ve mentioned here are not an all-inclusive list, to be sure.

I haven’t been writing about this because I don’t want him to read it and get his feelings hurt. But dammit, MY feelings are hurt – have been GETTING hurt for months now – and this is my journal, and I’m not saying anything OF him that hasn’t been said TO him, so here I am.