City Concerned Over Business Offering Cuddles and Hugs

MADISON, Wisc. – The doors of a new business set to open today, will remain closed until city concerns have been allayed. So what’s the business? Why the concern? It’s called The Snuggle House and it offers cuddles and hugs from “professional” snugglers.

This is an exciting opportunity to receive the benefits of TOUCH THERAPY in a non-sexual way, and feel “connected” in a disconnected, digital world. One session may be all you require, from time-to-time, or use ‘Snuggling’ as a staple to assist you in getting through a rough time. Our staff will be attentitive, courteous, polite, loving, and available to you within the boundaries of this new profession.

A single snuggle costs $60 and lasts an hour. A double-cuddle can be yours for $120 and overnight session costs $425. I would venture to say the overnight includes both snuggling and cuddling but can not confirm this. So what could go wrong?

City officials say the Snuggle House has not yet passed building and fire inspections and is therefore ineligible for an occupancy permit. Moreover, according to assistant city attorney, Jennifer Zilavy, no detailed business plan has been presented. “The city’s primary concern is, we don’t want a house of prostitution popping up,” she says.

However, the Snuggle House’s assistant manager Emily Noon told a local reporter that clients sign contracts and any contract between a client and a snuggler will have enforced boundaries: “Intimate, non-sexual touch,” Noon says. She also explained that their business model is based on a successful snuggery in Rochester, New York. She also claims that cuddling businesses have popped up in California and Colorado. “There’s so many people who don’t have a significant other in their lives that just need to be held,” Noon said, “We’re just college students that know how important it is to have physical touch in our lives.”

In case this explanation doesn’t suffice, Noon said all snuggle rooms are equipped with surveillance cameras and panic buttons.

Noon, who is not in a cult, also told local news that “Matthew is our creator, is our owner, and he’s really taking care of everything for us. We have Matthew, and he’s taking care of us.”

The Matthew she is referring to, is one Matthew Hurtado of Lone Rock, who’s current book is advertised online as a biography of a sex-addicted misfit who becomes a millionaire. He’s also listed on the Wisconsin Department of Revenue’s web site of tax delinquents who owe the state more than $10,000. According to federal bankruptcy court records, Hurtado has filed for bankruptcy twice since 2002.

“We’re just college students that know how important it is to have physical touch in our lives.” Remember those words.