Whatever X, Day XXIX

We enter a recent IM conversation between Bill and John shortly after John notes that he’s thinking of taking Athena to Disneyland at some point in the reasonably near future:

[12:47] bill: Excellent idea. Children should go to Disneyworld-or-land. Although you should avoid the Small World ride.
[12:48] john: Yes. Nightmares.
[12:48] bill: Yes.
[12:49] john: Although, relatively speaking to the average size of the planets in the solar system, and those we’ve discovered elsewhere, it is a small world. I mean, it’s factually correct.
[12:50] bill: Hm, well, that depends on how you average it, doesn’t it? I mean, yes, if you just average the masses and divide by nine, sure.
[12:51] john: Well, averaging diameters as well.
[12:51] bill: But on the other hand, only four of the planets are larger. The other four are smaller.
[12:51] john: Well, earth is the median, sure. But that’s not the same thing.
[12:52] bill: I don’t know. I feel certain that anything the dolls sing must be incorrect. The alternative is too horrible to contemplate.
[12:53] john: I would grant that their process is wildly wrong — that is to say that their rationale for concluding it’s a small world is deeply flawed. However, the conclusion is verifiable.
[12:54] john: Indeed, none of the accumulated data within the song even remotely leads to the conclusion that it’s a small world after all. At best, it concludes that it’s a world of indeterminate emotional states, rooted in a communal impulse.
[12:54] bill: (phone)
[12:54] john: Likely excuse.

I believe the dolls are concluding that due to a general lack of emotional diversity throughout the human species, our similarities and shared temperments counter the physical distances between individuals. This seems to imply that Disney’s adolescent automatrons are quantifying our “small world” in a 4-dimensional space, with range or degrees of emotional states as the additional dimension. If one integrates the emotional states (Es) over the human population P, one could calculate this emotional range quotient (ERQ).

/\ P
| Es = ERQ
\/ 0

After identifying the location of the population in 3-dimensional space, and solving for ERQ in a Euclidian XYZ map, one could evaluate the true size of Earth (in terms of emotional distance density) and contrast it to other comparable celestial bodies. By this method, one could accurately prove or disprove their “small world” hypothesis. Though presumably this work has already been done in a peer reviewed journal.

The boats aren’t designed for the 2008 version of American butts, they’re designed for the 1964 butts.

The big butts are running the boats aground.

The employees (cast members), by the way, are aware of this. If you are in line for the ride (why would you be, anyway, it’s terrible), and they bar you from entering a boat that still has a few seats empty… if no one in the ride is a huge fatty, take a look down.

“No, sir, you can take the next one. We have too much… respect… for someone of your… heft… to make you ride with the commoners.”

I blame IM, personally. I have a similar conversation saved on my computer, appropriately labeled “why JP & I shouldn’t talk on IM” that subsequently led to the two of us quizzing our friends for two days straight as to which was better, sponge, or hedgehog.

I still maintain that in all areas except personal hygiene, hedgehog is best.

Tom, if the song is still stuck, consider the following:
Here a story … of a lovely lady … who was bring up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold, like their mother, the youngest one in curls …..

Sadly, now there are only 8 planets, and though Pluto may be small, I think it, and Xena (now Eris) should both be counted, even if they are too small by International Astronomical Union standards. Me, my wife and the 3 and 5 year old are off for our first experience of DW this December.

The older I get the more I appreciate the It’s A Small World ride. The song is worth being able to sit in a cool, indoor, and otherwise (mostly) un-noisy environment for a few minutes. I even got to enjoy the visuals after a while.

(From many years ago, when Disney was busily turning all its rides into movies. It’s not all my fault; my friend Allen came up with the original idea, based on a comment by Michael Eisner that this was the one ride they couldn’t make a movie out of.)

[The following preview is approved for all audiences.]

BLACK SCREEN. Words fade in in large letters. Music starts – the theme song, in a minor key…should sound creepy yet almost recognizable.

IT’S A WORLD OF LAUGHTER

Behind the words, images fade in. A child is playing on a swing, laughing. The picture appears to be home-movie quality. The words fade out, then the picture does as well until the screen is black again.

Words fade in again.

A WORLD OF TEARS

Image fades in of a mother crying, holding a poster. It’s a missing-child poster, with a picture of the child shown on the swing. Words fade out, then the picture again. New words fade in:

IT’S A WORLD OF HOPE

Fade in another woman in an empty church, praying. Fade out the words, fade out the picture, fade in new words:

AND A WORLD OF FEARS

Fade in: Soldiers walking children to school. Fade out the words, fade out the picture.

Small World Filk, after my daughter and I went through the ride (age 5):
…
From her head to her feet, yes she is quite petite.
She’s a small girl after all.

She’s a small girl after all.
You can see she’s not too tall.
and in fact she’s rather small.
she’s a small, small girl.

There were a couple of verses, but I won’t subject you to any more than necessary. You’ll never get the blasted tune out of your head, but at least you can get some slightly more interesting lyrics. My options were limited by circumstance, so roll your own if you’ve got ‘em.

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