The Long Joke

Sometimes, you have to hang in there

So once upon a time, i.e. 1982–1983, I was in a Geometry class. Wherein I ran a really, really awful joke for most of the school year.

As anyone who has taken Geometry knows, the theorum is central to Geometry.

Pronounced “Theer-um”, like “serum” with a lisp. This is important.

They are not, ever, for any reason, pronounced “THEE-OR-UM”. That’s right out. Unless you’re me. And an asshole.

From late August until about April, I called them “thee-or-ums”. Relentlessly. Straightfaced. Without any sign it even occured to me I might be saying the word incorrectly.

Every time, every time I said “theorum” that way, my Geometry teacher twitched. A little harder every time. Mind you, I came up with reasons to say “theorum” as many times as possible. So twice a day in an hour, five days a week.

FOR SEVEN MONTHS

why. won’t. he. stop!

I was relentless, I was ruthless. I never hinted at saying “theorum” correctly. By mid-April, everyone in the room flinched every time I started to talk at all, because they knew what was coming.

Finally, like the next to last week of April, the teacher finally snapped.

John. The word is pronounced “theer-um”. Not “thee-or-um”. It has never been pronounced “thee-or-um”, it never will be pronounced “thee-or-um”, and one would think that after almost a year of hearing everyone else pronounce it correctly, YOU MIGHT GET THE HINT!

He looked like he was about to have a breakdown.

With a smile like the good lord himself was giving me a handjob, I said:

No thilly, therum’s what you take when you get thick!

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You mean that since…August…you have been saying it wrong…deliberately, frustratingly, maddeningly wrong just to push me into correcting you so you could make that…joke?

Well yeah. I didn’t think it would take this long, but in for a penny!

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…

I’m going to go take a nice walk outside. It’s a beautiful sunny day, not too hot, I’m going to take a nice 5–10 minute walk. And when I come back, if you ever pull that shit again, I swear to god that I will personally shove you through a keyhole the hard way. I wouldn’t even get arrested. No one would ever blame me.

Every Time I see this scene, I see him not killing me

He really looked like he was about to cry.

Totally worth it.

Oh, I didn’t stop there. Ask my wife, my son, my friends…when it comes to bad jokes, I will work for days, months, fuck, years to pull one off. It’s really my contribution to evil.

I have no idea why I’ve not been murdered, dug up, brought back to life and murdered again, over and over. See? God loves me!