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Listen To Your Mother Was such a powerful experience for me. I honestly am still trying to wrap my head around all the impact it has made on my life. I will blog about the experience soon but I don’t want to rush the process because I want to find the right words. For now I am going to share my piece with you. I am very proud of it and hope that the humor comes across to you the reader in the written form. Of course once the performance video is up on YouTube I will share that as well. Boy it felt good to have the audience laugh along at the craziness that seems to go hand and hand with my life! Oh here is a fun tidbit to add to your reading experience… The “young good looking surgeon” was actually in the audience for the performance! How hilarious is that!

Enjoy!

There’s No Modesty in Motherhood!

By Melissa Bigelli

I wrote this sitting on the toilet, in between the few moments I could sneak away from my two adorable yet clingy children. Of course, they opened the door on me and attempted to climb on my lap several times, but I’m a mother, so I take anytime I can to multitask and writing this piece was no exception.

Thank God I wasn’t really born with a major sense of modesty because when it comes to being a mother, any type of privacy and dignity has to be thrown out the window. This happened long before our little blessings are placed into our arms.

Yes, from the moment you get that plus sign on the pee stick, you know that your lady parts are now officially public domain. And if you are a high risk mama like I was, then you know that no matter how much you “spruce up down there” something in you just clicks and you think, “Screw it! I’m not even shaving my ankles for this next appointment, let alone worry about having to deal with the bumps, itchiness, & regrowth rash.”

Three months before my wedding, I was diagnosed with an early stage of cervical cancer. Thank God we caught it when we did. After three surgeries that left me with a tiny part of my cervix, I was told I was cancer free for now, but any chance of carrying a baby was slim to none. Well, a few short months after my wedding, I was able to conceive and carry my beautiful daughter Molly Mae to 35 weeks. She was tiny, but perfect and I loved every moment of being a mommy. A few short months later we found out to our shock and surprise, we were expecting again. Sadly, that baby was not meant for this earth. That was a crushing blow and my heart still struggles to this day. However, that is not the story I am here to tell.

My story for you all begins 6 months after our second sweet baby was taken to Heaven. My husband and I decided it was time to try again. After all, they said having Molly was a miracle and we hoped that we could give her a sibling to share her life with before I was forced to under go a hysterectomy to ensure the cervical cancer would be gone once and for all. Wouldn’t you know it, we conceived on the first attempt! Way to go honey! Now if only he could remember to put the toilet seat down! At 37 weeks, we welcomed our sweet little Madeline Mary into the world. Getting her here was not an easy journey for my body, my mind, or any more modesty that I may have had left in me! By this point all the appointments I had, the cervical cancer, Molly’s pregnancy, the miscarriage, the check ups, and weekly internal ultrasounds, I was sure that the whole Lehigh Valley had seen my vagina (in a strictly medical way of course) and there was nothing else left to surprise me. Well, all that went out the window once I was told I would have to receive a cerclage.

For those of you who don’t know what the cerclage is, it’s when they stitch you “inside” to keep the baby cooking where it belongs. Kind of what Grandma used to do to keep the stuffing in the Thanksgiving bird! Sounds fun, right? This procedure is done in an operating room where they give you an epidural to numb you from the waist down. Since I was “a special case” they decided that they needed two surgeons to get my cerclage in. The head surgeon decided that this job called for what they called the candy cane stirrups. Sounds like fun I thought. How can anything that’s called the candy cane stirrups be terrifying? Well, let’s put it this way, they were not red and white stripes liked I hoped. Nope, they were a dingy gray, surgical metal and they were connected to the end of the operating table. I guess at some point, unbeknownst to me, my legs were hoisted up in the air by my ankles and I dangled spread eagle in front of a room full of strangers. Now, any of you who have had an epidural before probably know that you can’t feel anything, so I thought I felt my legs still down on the table. That’s until they asked me to move my arms, which were bundled in a warming blanket, so they could strap me down like Jesus. My hand hit something that I thought was a balloon or something. Nope, to my surprise it was just my meaty thigh dangling high above me.

I was shocked to finally have my eyes focus and realize the spectacle that my body was now putting on. I began to nervously laughed so hard that, like most pregnant women, caused me to have to relieve myself. “I’m going to PEE!”I exclaimed!

“Oh go right ahead, Melissa,” they said, “you have a catheter in!”

It didn’t feel like I did, but I figured they have that epidural working so well that I didn’t know that my thighs were literally dangling over my ears. Still I questioned, “Are you sure? I don’t want to pee on you!” They assured me it was OK and what I was feeling was normal. So, I peed. I Peed like I’ve never peed before. And I peed all over the sterile operating room floor! I watch the doctors scamper away as it splashed around their surgical booties. “I told your so!” I whined!

“It wasn’t you, it was me!” proclaimed the younger, good looking, might I add, surgeon trying to make me feel better.

“Well, then that is very unprofessional of you,” I teased back. But as mortifying as it was, it kind of broke the ice.

After a quick cleanup, they assumed their positions between my two outstretched unshaved ankles.

The one doctor said, “See how great these candy canes are? Now we can both fit in here!”

To which I replied, “Gee! That’s what every girl wants to hear! My parents will be so proud!” The room once again erupted in laughter. At that point I also realized that if I angled my head just right, I could see them working in the reflection of the surgical lights above. I felt like Mary Poppins carpetbag down there! Things were being put in and things were being pulled out. It was terrifyingly comical. I prayed that the stitch would work. I prayed for the baby that was in my womb but couldn’t feel right now because of the epidural. And I really, really prayed that they were not going to leave anything up there inside of me! They didn’t, thank God! But they did provide my body the opportunity to become the mother of two beautiful girls who are 18 months apart.

So now as I sit on the toilet with those two little girls bouncing on my lap, I think about the journey that has brought them here and I couldn’t care less about my unshaved legs or my over grown lady parts. I hope my husband really doesn’t care either because one day we will have the energy to actually touch each other again and he’s just going to have to get used to it like every doctor and nurse and the entire Lehigh Valley who has experienced my vagina (in a medical way of course).

Now if you will excuse me I’m going to be in the ladies room for the rest of the evening, enjoying an uninterrupted “sit”! Thank You!

Today was very emotional for me! I can’t believe my beautiful baby girl is turning ONE! How did this happen? Where did the year go? I remember all the anxiety I had last year on the eve of my C-section. It was terrifying because my body was telling me at 38 weeks IT WAS DONE! The pain & EXTREME 24/7 headaches finally took its toll. And although I knew in my heart it was going to be okay & that I had the best team of doctors in my corner, I was still so worried. After being a mom of a preemie & then a miscarriage, I just wanted to have a healthy baby in my arms, in my room, and in the van on the way home with me a few days later. Thank God I got all of those things & so much more in my sweet Madeline.

But seriously how can this be out last 1st Birthday as a family? No more monthly chalkboard? No more 1st year milestones? Don’t get me wrong we are happy & content being a family of four. And I didn’t really enjoy being pregnant since I was so terrified all the time. But still I miss it. Now I am exactly two months away from my hysterectomy so those days are truly over. I’m sure I’ll have more to share on that later because although I want to have it done to prolong my life with my family, it’s still such an emotional mental journey to face in my 30’s.

So now as I bake cupcakes with Molly, take her shopping for sissy’s gift, & look at my growing list of last minute party preparations, I stop to watch my sweet Madeline. She’s so advanced for a baby on the eve of her 1st birthday. She’s growing so fast. I know she’s ready for all the new adventures the next year has to offer, but is mommy? No I don’t think so!

All through my both pregnancies I did weekly chalkboards and also one for every month & holiday for the girls.

Holding back tears that it will be a year until I create her another chalkboard!

Remember the days of film? Your mom snapping a photo of you and having to wait days for it to come back to see the final result? It’s almost laughable now. We live in a world where we can capture perfect photos of our children, and if they are not perfect delete them until we do. That is until we get one of these pesky messages. UGH! Seriously! The frustration I get when I have the girls perfectly framed for my 15th impromptu shoot of the day and this pops up on my screen!

So why does a mom who has so many photos of her little cuties need to pay for a professional photo shoot? My answer, because sometime you just have to step back and let a true artist take over. Now, you can get a coupon in the mail and head to your local clothing store to get a cute cookie cutter package, an 8×10 for grandma’s house, a wallet for grandpa, etc. But it’s probably going to be more of a frustrating experience then anything. Waiting for your appointment with a fussy baby longer then you should because the family before you ran over their time. Being rushed through your time because the studio wants to get back on track. The pushy sales pitch as they try to sell you your babies face on everything from a phone case to a throw pillow. And no matter how hard you try to stick to the coupon package, nine times out of ten you will walk out of there frazzled and really having no clue how you managed to by golf balls with your little ones likeness on them for Uncle Tom! Not me! At least not for my babies big moments anyway. (stay tuned to the blog to hear the wonderful experience we had at one of those studios for family photos a few weeks ago). I’m so glad that I went a different route from the beginning.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Molly I contacted one of the best local photographers in the area, Brynne Torres. I saw her work for years when my friends posted pictures she took of their adorable babies. I just knew I had to use her! She seriously was one of the first people I contacted when my water broke 5 weeks early because I had to make sure she could switch my date. She did of course and provided me adorable photos of Molly. It was a wonderful experience and I booked her that day for Molly’s 1st Birthday photos.

Then came Miss Madeline. I of course contacted Brynne before it even became Facebook official that we were pregnant again. A few months later I was back in her studio watching in a amazement and she molded my beautiful little newborn into the most perfect position shot after shot!

But as Madeline’s 1st Birthday fast approach I began to panic dropping money on photos. Of course I try to make things as fair as possible between the two girls and I don’t want Madeline to feel slighted in anyway with all that we did for Molly. How could I not use Brynne for my final 1st Birthday photoshoot! I was lucky enough to get a spot in her new in home studio. And as you can see by the seek peeks I snapped below that I am so happy I did.

Brynne is such a pleasure to work with. Here she is recreating Maddy’s Sleeping Beauty themed photo.

Maddy’s family party is this coming Sunday during the Iron Pigs baseball game in a suite. So we are doing a A League of Their Own, There’s No Crying In Baseball themed Birthday. Here is Maddy recreating Dottie’s little sister Kit from the movie.

And of course the new classic… THE CAKE SMASH!

Do you know any other photographer that draws a warm bath in her kitchen sink for her cake covered clients?

So you may pay a little more for a professional photographer but in the long run the experience, quality, and super fun process of it is so worth it. I can not praise Brynne enough for creating memories that will last my family a lifetime. And I know that Molly and Maddy will be so grateful for them.

Here are a few tips that I suggest you do to get ready for your babies big shoot!

Get a theme together. Have multiple outfits and send photos of them to your photographer ahead of time. This will give your photographer an idea on what backdrops they may want to use and he or she can be all set up for you when you get there.

Bring along personal items. Sure getting a photo with your baby and a teddy bear is cute but wouldn’t it be so special to capture them with a teddy bear that was their daddies when he was their age? Maybe surprise him with it when the photos come in. #coolwifepoints

Be patient! Your little model may not be in the best of moods that day so you have to just go with it. Have snacks, a bottle, and comfort items to keep you little one entertained. For us it was music, and when I say music I mean “The Chicken Dance” on repeat. Annoying? YES! But it got the little cutie clapping and smiling in no time.

Bring a assistant if possible. My mom is a God sent! It’s hard keeping the little star happy, changing the outfits, and all the behind the scenes stuff. It’s so great to have an extra pair of hands. ESPECIALLY with a messy cake smash!

BREATHE! You did it! You don’t have the satisfaction of seeing your shots immediately like the ones that you shoot from your phone or digital camera, but rest assured your photographer captured beautiful photos and you will have them to share before you know it!

I will be sure to share Madeline’s photoshoot for you all to enjoy as soon as I get them back. If you are in PA or NJ and want to book Brynne here is her website. (tell her that stayathomemamadrama.com sent you!) Thanks Brynne for letting me sneak a few shots of you in action!

Today Matt & I went on a “date”. We borrowed my brother-in-laws truck to pick up a playhouse to makeover for the girls. We felt pretty “bad ass” in the old orange beast.
Even though I had to hold the review mirror up for Matt to back out of the driveway.

After picking up the playhouse, Matt took me to Toby’s for a hot dog,

dropped the playhouse off at home, then took me to Lowes to look for paint.

Those Bigelli men sure know how to treat a lady! HAHA! We actually had a really fun time together. And I got a piggyback ride into Lowes. I haven’t had one of those since I was about 5! (Another bonus of loosing almost 100lbs!)

Anyway, there was a small delay in the fun because upon returning to the truck we found out THE BATTERY DIED! UhOh! Mark to the rescue! (He wasn’t really happy about that) but there was no other choice since Matt is clueless when it comes to auto-mechanics and busy looking at free tutus we scored for the girls during our playhouse pick up.

How can two brothers be sooooo different? HAHA!

I guess the moral of this blog is. Although we love our girls dearly, it’s fun to sneak away & make to most of any alone time we can get together. Today it felt like we were dating again & to me it was very romantical!

It’s officially Easter week! Can you believe it? It really seems as if time is flying. It feels like only yesterday when I was still very pregnant with Madeline and getting everything ready for Molly’s 2nd Easter. How can a year go by so fast?

Of course Molly is very excited about the promise of the Easter Bunny, CANDY, baskets, eggs, toys, & a reason to wear her pretty dress. But I really want to take the time to teach her and remind her what Easter is truly about. Now I don’t know if I subconsciously saw this on Pinterest one night when I should’ve been sleeping but just couldn’t wind down, or if the idea really did come to me all on its own from my scattered and frazzled mommy brain but this is what we did today. We made “Our Easter Blessing Tree” from the tree I painted on our family room wall. I try to do something to this tree every holiday since the wall is plaster and it is hard to truly decorate it with anything that’s not “scotch tape friendly”

I told Molly that we were going to sit down and make a list of all the people that we love and that we pray for every night. Then I would make Easter eggs out of colored paper and she could decorate them with markers and crayons. She got very excited and stated sprouting off names faster then I could write. Of course she said the usual, MaMa, DaDa, Madeline, Molly, etc. But between all of the special loved ones in her life she would say “and Jesus, and God, and Our Angels.” I got teary eyed because she really does listen to me when we say our prayers and that made my heart so happy. She of course listed every dog in our family and every person in her class & dance class but I convinced her that we could group them on to 3 eggs because I honestly was too pooped to cut out so many. Ha Ha!

I couldn’t believe how long she sat and spent on each and every egg. Like her MaMa she carefully selected every color for each person. And proudly showed me each one as she completed it.

Once she finished her master pieces we rolled up some tape and put them onto the wall. She told me where the ones she couldn’t reach should go. After all she is 2 & 1/2 so she knows best!

It was such a fun and touching project to do with her. I hope to make it a yearly tradition. We now have a holiday focal point to remind us the true reason why we celebrate. And all though she is 2& 1/2 she never told me to make an Egg for the Easter Bunny but Jesus, God, and Our Angels were at the top of her list. And although the rest of the day did not go smoothly and I’m now hiding out in my room blogging and trying to block out the temper tantrums and noise that my lovely little angels are creating for their daddy, I think of her list and tell myself, “Good Job Mama! You must be doing something right!”

Honestly since the 2 year anniversary of my miscarriage last week I haven’t felt like blogging. I have just been trying to spend my free time with my girls and Matt. I have been saying that it’s writers block, I’m too busy, I’m to tired, but it reality I’m still mourning. It will always be a date I dread. Don’t get me wrong so many amazing things happened. Madeline took her first steps (more on that to come in a future blog), we went to Disney On Ice (again blog to follow), and I went on a much needed date night with my husband. I haven’t shared how I’m feeling with anyone. I guess people think as I let the balloons go that my pain goes away with it. It doesn’t. I don’t think it ever will.

However today my mom surprised me with a much needed hair makeover. Any Mommy out there knows that we tend to get to busy with life to even wash our hair let alone get something done to it to make us look and feel normal! THANKS MOM!!!!

But that wasn’t the only thing my mom did for me today. She also took the time to send me a text that truly touched me! Something that I really needed to hear not only as a mom but from MY mom. All I did was send her a picture of Madeline with her 11month chalkboard photo (You guessed it a blog on my chalkboard life is coming your way too!) And she sent me this text…

It meant so much to my heart and soul to hear this from my mom. Out of the blue. Unexpected. From the heart. I know sometimes she thinks Matt & I are crazy that we are constantly finding things and activities to do with the girls as our housework piles up around us and we seem to never be caught up on “adult things”, so hearing these few simple words just meant so much. My funk was lifted. And here is a new blog. Ahhh I feel better now. Can’t wait to get started on the next. As you can see I have tons to get to work on!

Today I should be stressing over the perfect outfit to dress you in. Today I should be making you breakfast to start your day. But instead I wake up to the 2 year anniversary of what was the darkest day of my life. The only thing worse than losing something that meant the world to you is pretending that you lost nothing. I may not speak of you daily but you are always on my mind. Not a day goes by that I am not filled with sadness, guilt, and love for you.

Sadness because you are not here to be part of our lives.

Guilt because I try to justify your death by telling myself if you were here with me I wouldn’t have your baby sister Madeline.

Love because even though you only grew inside of me for a few short months, you were mine. Your heart did beat & you heard mine beating with love for you from inside of my womb.

I feel you here with me every day. I have comfort that you are with your Aunt Karen & Great Grammy. I know that you are surrounded by their love. I know that you are looking over us.

I’m sorry that your life was not meant for this world. I’m sorry that I didn’t get to hold you, or to know you. But then again my heart did know you because I was your mommy. I am still your Mommy. And I know that one day we will be together again and it will be as if we never had this longing for each other.

Today your daddy, your sisters, & I will go to Grammy’s grave and send off two balloons with messages of love to you. It brings me comfort. I hope it brings you happiness.

I can finally announce that I will be making a return to the stage! A one day only performance that you won’t want to miss! I have the honor of being a part of a nationwide effort to “give motherhood a microphone”as a cast member of the 2016 Lehigh Valley production of Listen To Your Mother. I could not be more excited! Our show will be one of 41 cities across the country and through these shows over 450 stories about motherhood will be shared this year.

What makes me proud about this project is that I wrote my piece; “There’s No Modesty In Motherhood”. Me a writer?!?! Who would have thought? Of course in true Mel fashion its a comical piece and centers around the toilet & my lady parts, but would you expect anything less? This was the scariest audition I ever had because I was so out of my element and when I received word that out of all the talented creative people in the LHV I was selected I cried tears of joy.

This show is not just for women by any means and is the perfect gift for Mother’s Day. If you have a mother, know a mother, love a mother, lost a mother, made someone a mother, long to be a mother, are a mother reading this covered in snot, sitting in a school pick up line, hiding out on the toilet, avoiding housework, then I hope you will join me and my amazing cast on Sunday, April 24th from 2-4 pm at The Steel Stacks. Tickets will be going on sale soon. I will be posting more about this amazing creative opportunity and my journey.

Does anyone else hear that loud ticking? Well it’s official, my hysterectomy surgery date is now set for June 14th. I was suppose to under go the surgery in February but between all the sickness in the house and having to take a few different kind of medications it got put on hold. After some debating and prayer Matt & I decided that it’s best to put it off till June. The Doctor was a bit taken aback when we told him of our decision last week. He was ready to have me go in the beginning of March. But since he feels there was no major risk of the cervical cancer spreading and I will be under observation and medication he agreed that it will be easier on the family waiting till school is out. Thankfully I will be able to keep my ovaries so I won’t have to go through menopause. Sorry if this is TMI but I have also been getting my “monthly visitor” every TWO WEEKS since having Madeline & it is not pleasant! So seeing the light at the end of the vaginal tunnel is a welcoming sight!

BUT although Matt & I decided that we don’t want to have any more children my biological clock is TICKING! It makes me kind of sad that I definitely won’t have the opportunity of having another bundle of joy. And although I really did not enjoy being pregnant since they were all so stressful, it kind of makes me tear up. In reality I think it’s the fact that I won’t have anymore pregnancy announcements, gender reveals, & name reveals, to do. Not to mention the fact that a little boy would be so fun to dress up in little bowties & suspenders. On the other hand, good-bye periods, cramps from hell, bloating, mood swings, cravings, and pap smears ! Plus good-bye cervical cancer once and for all! It didn’t ruin my wedding, my blessing of motherhood, and it won’t ruin my time with my beautiful baby girls!

I am sure that I will touch more on this subject as June approaches. But wanted to give an update on my lady parts Mamma Drama.

*BTW this is not the big exciting news announcement I will be blogging about. I am still waiting on the official word to post it but it is coming soon!*

As the song says, “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile!” and Molly was smiling from ear to ear when she got to go see the national tour of Annie in our hometown on Friday night. Refer back to my previous blog post “The Sun Did Come Out Tomorrow” to read all about how my husband won us the tickets.

The day started out with Molly excitedly springing out of bed knowing the day had finally come that she would be able to put on her Annie dress and go see her “idol” live on the State Theatre stage. I had a pretty hard time keeping her occupied all day but was happy when she told me she wanted to take a nap so she wouldn’t be tired for the show.

Daddy came home from work and we started getting ready for our big Mommy Daughter date night. I curled her hair, to the best of my ability since she is only 2. And we put on her dress and “fancy shoes”. When she came down to show off how beautiful she looked, Daddy was waiting with her very own Annie locket.

We finally were ready and on our way. She told me I looked like Ms. Hannigan but I know she meant that out of love. Ha Ha!

From the moment she walked into the theatre she was in awe. Her eyes focused on the Annie merchandise and I knew I was in trouble. She had a hard time deciding between a t-shirt and a doll. But then said “Doll Mommy! I love her!” So I payed for the overpriced Annie doll but it was so worth the smile and kiss I got in return. Besides maybe one day she will pass it down to her daughter. Priceless!She ate up all the attention that she was getting in her mommy’s Annie dress. She was already singing and dancing as we got ushered to our amazing box seats.

Sitting in our amazing box seats!

As soon as the orchestra started she clapped, smiled, and started singing during the overture. My eyes welled up with tears that I got to experience such a special time in her life. She was completely fixated on Annie & the orphans. And for a toddler at a musical she did a great job. There was one moment that was comical. During the first black out she yelled out “Hi Miss Meghan!” to her teacher that was seated in the orchestra below us. As the lights came back up Miss Meghan was laughing and gave Molly a wave.Thank God that was the only thing that happened out of the ordinary. I kept candy on hand for her during the slower parts and she sat happily munching on M&M’s and Twizzlers between her dance brakes. The women next to us said she was enjoying Molly more then the show and all the week long worry I had on how she would behave went completely out the window.

As the show came to a close she was on her feet cheering and clapping for Annie & Sandy. “I love you Annie!” She yelled out to them. And then as the curtain closed and the audience filed out into the night she had the biggest meltdown EVER! Why?!?! Because she couldn’t go on stage and see Annie. She cried all the way to the car about that but as soon as she saw Dada she said “I loved the show Dada! Thank You!” And with that a very tired little girl was carried up to bed after the night of her life, by her very own Daddy Warbucks.