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Thursday, July 04, 2013

After months
of being held hostage by my job, guess who’s back? You guessed right, it’s O.l.u.w.a-m.u.d.d.i.e! I always thought
I was good at multitasking but it obviously isn’t the case now. I apologize for
taking y’ll for granted and will let you know the next time I plan on
pretending to be the new face of P.H.C.N.

Before story
plenty, I will share with you some of the amazing stuff I discovered while I was
away…that’s the.muddie.factor!

LONDON
LIFE LAGOS LIVING

After seeing the documentary for this book by Bobo Omotayo,
I knew I was in for a roller coaster experience. It’s a collection of short
stories based on the author’s experiences. Bobo’s writing style is uniquely simple,
the stories I can totally relate to… plus how can I forget to mention that the
book comes with great art…little wonder I made so much noise about it until I finally
got me a copy.

Heaven only
knows how much I love to discover beautiful Nigerian music and it might not be
unconnected to the fact that my voice is quite horrible… so what I lack in
voice, I make up for with great musical taste.

Bemyoda
uses all five songs on the EP to Sketch himself and his mastery of the musical art
into our consciousness. If depth is what you look out for in an album, here’s a
gift from me to you.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

One
of the greatest problems the average Nigerian youth faces today is joblessness,
sorry unemployment. Nigeria has one of the worst youth unemployment rates in
sub-saharan Africa. It is reported that two in five Nigerian youths are
unemployed. The Statistician-General of the Federation, Dr. Temi Kale, has revealed
that about 20.3 million Nigerians are currently jobless and not engaged in any
form of job.

Recently,
the Nigerian media widely reported the terrifying number of applications
received for advertised jobs in Dangote Group, Independent National Electoral
Commission (INEC) and National Identity Management Commission (NIMC). Although the number of applications, which was
nothing less than 100,000 in each of these organizations, can be used to paint
the portrait of unemployment in Nigeria, this horrific figure is not a safe
premise upon which to draw a conclusion on unemployment. This is because the
figures are the sum total of these categories of applicants...
i. The Unemployed
ii. The Underemployed
iii. Seekers of job satisfaction and
iv. Those who want to work more than one job

This
categorization notwithstanding, does not dispute the fact that applications
from the unemployed cannot be rivaled by any of the other three categories.
The sole cause of employment in Nigeria is the fact that the country is
tailored to administrate and not to produce. I need not remind you that the
educational sector in is a poor state; Illicit admission processes, lecturers
selling hand outs or sleeping with students for grades, mismanagement of funds.

I need
not also remind you that the VC/RECTOR covers the dean - dean covers the HOD -
HOD covers lecturers engaged in illicit
practices - lecturers cover class reps making money from students - class reps cover lecturers sleeping with
students and selling handouts, lecturers gradesstudents project even without really meeting with the students. Some lecturers
insist on some amount being paid by students, else they write projects, exams
or assignments in vain, and it goes on.

The
end result of mixing all these well known factors is that the calibre of
students graduating every year, do not match the job opportunities around and
even if they match, “mamados” (what we call man-know-man or connection or even
long leg) is necessary to get the job.

Note
however, that this is for graduates who have decided in their hearts that come
rain, come shine, they must have a white-collar job. Nevertheless, can we blame
them completely when we consider that fact that getting a white-collar job is
all they have been programmed to think, dream, talk and do right from play
class? Now, that’s wrong programming
from the onset. Now that we have identified the problems what are the
solutions?

If
you are unemployed two things are involved; you are either employable but yet
to find a job or unemployable. If you are unemployable, you are not safe,
therefore go and learn a skill, trade or acquire knowledge.
If you are employable two things are involved; you are either certain (for
reasons known to you) that you will apply (if you have not) and get a
white-collar job with correct pay or you are uncertain about getting the job.
If you are certain, you are safe. If you are not certain, two things are
involved; you either spend years waiting and applying or find something
worthwhile to do with yourself.
If you find something worthwhile to do, you are safe, if you want to wait and
keep applying for years to come, i’m not so sure you are safe but God help you.

Blame
and abuse the government for unemployment until your hair turns grey, it will
not change your situation; our ancestors blamed the government for the same
problem while they lived until they died and became gods of the land, still...nothing
changed.
To all unemployed youths, graduates and the likes, who have been looking for
job without result, cultivate a do it yourself attitude. Reduce the hours you
sleep and think (I didn’t say worry), plan, start spending right, take away
pride, start small if you must, do not wait for an angel. If you do not have
the capital, go and borrow with a clear plan to repay. If your babe or boo will not buy into this idea, open a file for them and mark
it K.I.V (Keep-in-view).
Make we pause here until tomorrow, I dey come……..

So
it's my birth anniversary (queue Evi Edna Ogoli's HAPPY BIRTHDAY song
here) and a few friends asked me what I wanted as presents so I put up a list:

1.
A Macbook Pro

2.
Samsung Galaxy S3

3.
Raw CASH (Hundreds of thousands would be a good starting point)

4.
An all-expense paid trip to Dubai, Gambia or Canada

5.
A Canon 7D camera with compactible lenses and a hand-held grip

6.
An apartment (fully furnished will be a bonus) bought in my name in an urban
area (Lagos/Abuja top d list of locations)

7.
Shopping spree for a whole new wardrobe - clothes, shoes, accessories...the
works

8.
Complete work of P!nk the artiste

Now
I'd tell U a few things about me. I work in the media, I am a hardworking and
most importantly, I'm a great friend and asset to many-yes, I'm humble like
that. Well, I may have to admit that a couple of things mentioned, say the
Samsung S3 may be solely self-serving. I hope by the time I'm done I'd be able
to convince you how the rest are for communal good.

1st
off, the MacBook pro would turn me into a mobile studio. I'd be able to edit
pictures, film and audio in a snap and also in style. Surely if I start working
& walking in style, some of you won't dare touch our friendship with a 10ft
pole, so this gift would be strengthening the bond we share.

As
a budding photographer, the 7D is a beauty to behold and shoot with. Imagine
all the pretty pictures I'd take of you, moments shared in our friendships
captured by this 7D cuttie and my, would we be on top of our social network
strata, with all the buzz our keek and instagram accounts will generate...yipee!
All thanks to the 7D.

Now
having worked hard through the year to be the great person that I am, surely I
deserve a break?! A vacation will be in order so why not send me to a choice
getaway, preferably out of the country. Not only would you get a happier friend upon return, the storyteller in me will
spring to life and tales shall be regaled over drinks and finger food in the
urban area apartment for a long time to come, after-all house-rent money would
turn to our entertainment allowance abi no be so?!

Now
by show of hands tell me someone here who isn't a (closet) shopaholic?! Seeing
as I see none, we are in agreement then that a new wardrobe is in order abi
when I appear on Bella Naija or ThisDay for fashion misconduct, would you want to bail me from the jail the
fashion police threw me in?! Aha, I dint think so :)

Now
I'm not old school like Gwen Guthrie-the NO ROMANCE WITHOUT FINANCE songstress-but
giving me cash would certainty oil the wheels of our vehicle called friendship.
Even the government got it right with its monetization policy implemented in
the civil service so why would you choose to stand aloof?!

You
see I didn’t ask for the keys to a Maybach Exelero, a Bugatti Veyron SS or an
Embraer Legacy 650 nor a slice of the Ronde Island among other things because I
am a practical and considerate friend. Now that I'm done dreaming up my
giftlist, let me go and eat my splendid sumptuous breakfast of Akamu and Okpa.

N.B:
“In reality, I’m grateful for the grace of seeing another year in my life and
this is my gift-list to myself, save for the smoking part.”

********************

Thanks to MatildaShurlaa Ogunleye, my world famous sista & friend for sending in this post.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

It has been about 3 weeks since I last posted on
the blog and all I can say is “Ema binu jare, I wasn’t born this way!” A lot of
things happened within this period...the good, the bad and the not so ugly but
through it all, God has been at the top and yes, he is the Oga. It would take
another 3 weeks to give you the whole gist, so i’ll just highlight the
few which stood out like a pot belly.

MY LAPTOP (The Testimony)

I woke up one morning to discover my
laptop had gone mad. It kept beeping continuously and annoyingly too (the kind
of alarm you didn’t set yourself and can’t stop either), some of the keys weren’t
working anymore and just imagine Nigerian athletes running alongside Usain Bolt, that is
how slow the system had become. “Wetin I
go do?” I asked myself. At that point, all I could think of was what would
become of my blog. After trying to restart several times, the laptop finally went
into a coma. It miraculously came back to life after about 3 weeks and is
currently on life support. Brethen, join me in thanking the Lord. “The Lord who
has brought my laptop to life will give me a mac on my birthday in 2014.” Oya,
shout Amen!

MY BIRTHDAY

This life (not the T.V drama) can be so amazing.
I went to bed on the 2nd of March, only to wake up on the 3rd
and there’s a text message from Infidelity bank, trying to convince me that it was
my by-day (insert shout out to my Kaduna peeps). Several messages later, I still wasn’t convinced
as no family member had wished me ahappyby-day as at noon. They always forget and
this leads me to ask, “family & friends, who suppose wish u happy birthday
first?”

I still didn’t break my personal record for the
number of gifts I receive on my birthday, each year. Just in case you are
wondering, i’ll put you out of your misery....na only two gifts. The gift of
life from God and then the gift of friendship, that is where y’ll come in! Tanchu
tanchu...for all the beautiful prayers/wishes!

THEINTERVIEW

Muddie finally made his Nollywood debut as he
starred in blockbuster movie “The interview”.Y’ll need to have seen the puzzled looked on my face when i walked in
and saw the crowd. “Oluwa
o! Are these
people here to watch a movie abi na the same interview we come for?” I asked myself.

It was really awkward, having to sit in a room
with so many people waiting to be interviewed for the same job. I stared in their
faces one after another, Buju Banton’s “Destiny” playing in my head. Some
dressed like Ogas at the top, a few speaking in locally acquired foreign
accents and others reading past interview questions & answers on their phones/ipads.
In that moment, na only me know wetin i follow God yarn because every time I
went for the next stage of the interview, the crowd was less, like God had a
way of convincing them to look elsewhere, say jobberman.com for other job opportunities.

THE SHOCKER

After three long weeks away from the blog, there
are no cobwebs on the blog, there were occasional visits. Now that’s a shocker.
For those who have forgotten the address of the site, in the now famous voice
of Lagos
Commandant of the Nigerian Security and Civil Defence Corp (NSCDC), Mr Obafaiye
Shem, it is ww.themuddiefactor(*clears throat)....That’s all!