Still there? Awesome. Because everyone who preorders (or has already preordered) my book before March 16th gets a free, limited-edition, Hamlet Von Schnitzel bookplate for your book. Personally signed by me. (One per person. Offer only valid for US {non-PO Box} addresses right now, but they’re working on that. I’ll keep you posted.)

This is the bookplate:

By the way, This is my digital signature and it's much prettier than my real signature, so feel free to print this out and tape it to your book if you live in Canada or prefer something immediate and legible.

PS. A huge special thanks to Penguin for printing and mailing out all of these because I’d have a nervous breakdown if I had to do this myself. Seriously, we owe them all a margarita. And some of those nachos probably.

PPS. Thank you. I mean it completely when I tell you that I could not have finished this book without you, and I can’t even believe that it’s going to be out month after next. Freaking out a little. And by “a little” I mean “shitloads.”

PPPS. (I just wrote “Shitloads” and auto-correct was all “Oh, you mean, “shiploads“. We’ll change that for you.” Auto-correct, you know nothing of my work.)

UPDATED:Holy shit, you guys. My book is currently # 2 on Amazon’s humor list and #2 on Barnes and Nobles hot & trending list. I said on twitter that if it hit #1 I’d post a picture of me either naked or with twine and it doesn’t look like we’ll hit it, but I’m sending you something almost as good. Ferris Mewler. Nude. WITH TWINE.

What's so hard about this, Nathan Fillion? Even my cat can make this shit look good.

UPDATED AGAIN: So, we somehow made it to #1, you guys. I plan on blaming you when Tina Fey comes after me with a cleaver for taking her spot for an hour. But true to my word, here’s a picture of me naked. Does it count as naked if I wear a hat? And a friend? I say yes.

Sorry, Jenny…. I’m with Victor on that one. All I saw was the picture on my Browser’s twitter sidebar notification… and before I’d even read the post I was hooting and hollering for my husband to come see your new Blow Job mug!!!

Can hardly wait to get my copy – which I pre-ordered ages ago, thankyouverymuch. Also, I promise a ‘shipload’ of nachos if you do a book signing in San Francisco. You could even stay with me…I have a lovely bathroom.

I’m gonna have to side with Victor on that one. I saw the image before I started reading the text and my immediate thought was “haha, what a cute dirty joke mug.”

Also, when I saw the title of the post, I thought you meant Powerpoint slides. I’m glad you really meant sliding boards, that’s much more fun. But don’t do it on slides in the park, you’ll end up on a naughty people list for the rest of your life.

No fair! What about those of us pre-ordering on Nook or Kindle? What do we do? Stick that autographed Hamlet von Schnitzel on our foreheads?
(Stick in on the back. Although foreheads are nice as well. ~ Jenny)

In the last two reads I have cry-laughed for obvious reasons and no reason at all. And there is (arguably) nothing wrong with me (right now). One of those times I sort of choked a little, which was embarrassing because I was at work. Anyway, as someone whose anxiety has never gotten nearly as bad as yours and only made me sit in my car and cry without really understanding why on a fairly regular basis a couple years ago, and as someone who was once suicidal (way, way before the anxiety attacks, as a teenager), and as somebody whose family has an almost undocumented but I mean come on totally obvious history of depression… I thank you for shouting your insanity all over the internet. You are a red dress.

WAIT. So I ordered your book to have it delivered here. (In the aformentioned sucky Canada) But could I have a super kickass awesome bookplate mailed to my cousin in the US to smuggle over the border for me?

She owes me one…and smuggling something across the border would be about enough to make it even.

And THEN I could rub my bookplate in other Canadians faces and they’d be all…what the hell is wrong with you?

Hi all,
Another writer of books here. If you want to help Jenny, pre-order the book. Pre-orders will all be counted as a sale on the first day the book is released, which will give her a ton of sales that first day. (And get you the book ASAP, especially if you have a Kindle or Nook.)

Having a ton of sales that first day will help her make short-term bestseller lists, like the one Amazon has, updated basically every second, it seems. Getting on the short-term bestseller lists will help her sell more books, because people browse the list and buy from there.

Selling lots of books that first week will help Jenny make the printed or longer-term lists, like the Publishers Weekly, USA Today and still the biggie, the New York Times list.

Sell lots of books, make the lists, sell even more books. It’s a great cycle to be in.

Also, Amazon and B&N have a great thing now called the gift book. You can send anyone whose e-mail address you have a gift copy of a book. (Slight catch, if the book costs $10, you send them a $10 credit, and they can buy Jenny’s book or anyone else’s they want. But if your friends are nice, surely they’ll use the money to buy the book you wanted to send them, right?) So if you like, you can gift Jenny’s book to some friends.

(Jenny did not tell me to say this, didn’t know I was saying this. I just wanted to. Joined her as an advertiser recently, after hearing about her confession brutally honest post about depression on Twitter — been there, done that one myself — the depression and confession part. Then I saw that she was wickedly funny and lucked into an ad slot here. Then saw that she has a first book coming out. It’s a crazy time, I know, and she’s already a little bit nuts. Let’s try to help her do well with this, okay? Pre-order the book.)

I’m guessing it’s going to be a book tour of famous bookstore restrooms. There’s always such a horrible line for the ladies room, at least this way we’ll get nachos and margaritas and our books signed.

Another Kindle pre-order here. Maybe I should get a book plate anyway and stick it to the kindle case. It could be a new trend. Like the old suitcases with the travel stickers all over them. That just might make me furiously happy.

You can totally do a book signing at my house in Minneapolis. It’s a big house on a lake and everything. Seriously. I will even clean the litter boxes before people come over; that’s how much I love you.

I pre-ordered today, but through my local, independently-owned bookstore, who can’t actually pre-order more than 10 days before the sell date. Am I SOL? (I totally understand if I am, but I’d love a bookplate if I can have one).

(I’m sure that’s fine. Just write down the name and details on the form. ~ Jenny)

Why do you hate Canada? I pre-ordered my book ages ago and it will be plateless. I may have to move to Texas but I hate Texas. No I don’t really…I went to Dallas once and it was nice but very hot and there were signs on the restaurants that said “no concealed weapons allowed” which is pretty scary for a Canadian to read before going into TGIFridays for a hamburger.I mean I started imagining that everyone who wasn’t in the restaurant had a concealed weapon which made me have an anxiety attack. Anyway…if you change your mind about Canada and can send me a book plate I will be furiously happy.

Nachos are in the making! Also, you’ve now made my day more than once. I’m super excited about this special offer bookplate AND you dm’d me on twitter. This may have been the best day of my life. Thank you for being awesome.

Might you consider coming to Bastrop to sign my book? It’s not very far, I won’t say something creepy like ‘you can stay at my house’, but I make some mean nachos, I could show you around my neighborhood, (which entirely burned up in the fire last September), and there’s a yard in town with a couple giant metal chickens in it! I think it would be a fulfilling day for everyone involved!

Husbands make for the best blog material. When I’ve got writers Block, I talk to my kids or my husband. Really sucks my husband is grossly inappropriate and my mother reads my blog so I can’t post half the shit he says. I’m 27, almost. Maybe someday I’ll get over the fear of getting lectured by my mother.

It doesn’t happen very often, (if at all) but right now I kinda don’t love that I live in the greatest place on earth, Australia.
I want a book plate. …even though I’m really sure what they exactly are…
I even pre ordered like 2 whole weeks ago. 😦

(There might be a chance of book plates being available everywhere in the future. The publishers in different areas are working on things I think. ~ Jenny)

Oh My God – Not only do I love that mug and think it would be awesome in my office, next to my paper dolls of you and the gang, but I also really really need you to come here on your book tour. I will begin today with the non-stop emails to the bookstore that I love in nearby Milwaukee, WI to have them host you in your book tour. And you can stay at my house, or my friend’s house. I’m sure she’ll be fine with it and she has a cellar full of cherry wine from Door County, which is here in Wisconsin and I’m sure you don’t know that but, trust me, it’s awesome. AND I can make nachos and really delicious cupcakes that will go well with the wine. So, it’s settled. I can’t wait till you get here.
Also, finally got paid so I am pre-ordering your book right now. I expect my book plate soon and I will keep the nachos warm. Actually, I’m gonna get one of those awesome nacho cheese dispensers like they have in restaurants that keeps nacho cheese warm ALL THE TIME! I need one of those! So, shit ton of wine, check. Nacho cheese dispenser, check. Book plate, check.

So… next paychexk, I’m pre-ordering. And you will thus be a part of my monthly book budget. This is a good thing.

Also, I have these thoughts from time to time, but I haven’t taken the time to actually say it, and it is something that needs to be said. You are an amazing, awesome, beautiful, inspiring and side-achingly-hilarious person. Thank you for sharing yourself, and for doing it so openly.

FYI I make the best nachos! Funny huh? You can confirm this true fact w/my children…I make nacho’s every year for Christmas. Fuck your fancy roasts and fluffy what not…give me my fucking nachos while we celebrate the birth of our Savior/king what ever if your into that stuff. So feel free to come on over…

I just preordered. And sent you my address for the bookplate. If you come to my humble apartment in Columbus, Ohio (uh … don’t know why you would, especially since I’m sounding so creepy), I would ABSOLUTELY make you nachos.

I’m not sure how long I’ve been reading this blog, but from day one it has brought me so much delight. I can’t wait to read this book.

2.I really hope your book tour includes Montreal. I would design you something very whimsical (Like, I don’t know, silkprinted interpretations of Beyoncé?) You bought so much into my life, I wish I could thank you in person.

I am so incredibly excited about this. And not just because I now have a fall-back career of stealing your identity. (All that takes is a signature, right?) (‘Cause if not, I’m probably too lazy to become a criminal.)

ok, so you absolutely have to come to our little town of Castleton-on-Hudson NY, cause having a long name makes up for the fact that we have 12 people, all related to each other. Kidding, we actually have 12,000 but they are (seriously) all related to each other.

Found your blog the other day by accident and am now a total addict, thank you, thank you, thank you for making me feel slightly less abnormal and actually like laughing upon occasion!

I was waffling on pre-ordering the book. Not because I don’t want it, but because I have a monthly ‘fun’ budget and I wasn’t sure if I needed this or to save up for a laptop so I could actually write without my 1 year old crawling around my feet and turning off my computer because the on button is lit up so pretty-like.

But now that I see we get a Hamlet Von Schnitzel bookplate I think I almost have to buy it now.

i think i’m in love with victor. he says all the things my husband would say…if he (my husband) were alive. Reading you ripostes just cracks me up. of course, steve (the late husband) would asked if we (you and i) had been separated at birth.

in truth, victor does make me miss my husband’s sharp retorts all the more. so please thank him, and give him a hug for me.

I totally thought that was an I love escalators mug. Because, duh! Escalators are awesome. I would have never even guessed there was a universal sign for going down. If I were going to advertise that I loved going down I would want a better sign.

Please please come to Canada on your book tour! I’ve preordered the Kobo version of your book already, but I promise to buy an actual copy if you come here…in *hardcover* even!! One little stop in Toronto won’t hurt right?

That would be the PERFECT gift for the uptight person in your office who is offended by everything. You give it to them and if they act all horrified you can act offended that THEY thought it was about oral sex. It’s quite brilliant and I’m sure you planned it that way.

I pre-ordered the book seconds after I read that I COULD pre-order the book. If you do happen to tour, what’s your policy on signing body parts? Ummm, cuz…. a friend wants to know….

Ohhhhhhhhhh…. I was SURE that was a picture of someone going up a down escalator, and that the little arrow was to make it clear he wasn’t going up an UP escalator. Then I had a hard time explaining why I started by assuming he was going up.

When you come to my house for the book tour, is it o.k. if it takes place on the couch? Although we did get a new dining room table, so we can be fancy and sit there. I’ll put out linen napkins and crystal stemware. And a coaster. Because the table is wood, and I already have enough shitty furniture.

So, I pre-ordered the Kindle version but I still totally signed up for the book plate because it is Awesome and Wondrous. I’ll tuck the book plate into my Kindle case while I read the book. And I will love it and pat it and call it George. Or Hamlet Von Schnitzel Jr.

Also, I need to add hard copies to my list of Things to Get Friends & Family for Birthdays & Christmas.

That’s it, between your promo stickers (which made me laugh so hard I scared the bejeezus out of both my sleeping cats) and the bookplate (which I’ve recently developed an affinity for collecting), I’m sold. You’re officially part of my monthly book allowance. Preorder activated!

It occurs to me that I should have directed my invitation to do a book signing in Minneapolis at my house to Hamlet Von Schnitzel since he’s taking care of publicity. You could come too, as part of his entourage. I hope this faux pas won’t get me blacklisted.

PS. I will still clean the litter boxes first. That’s how much I love Hamlet Von Schnitzel. And you.

You totally just made my night. I was all “I have to have a signed copy of your book” and you were all “I’ll come to your house and sign it myself” and I was all “Really?” and you were all “No, not really” and I was all “shit” and you were all “but I’ll send you a signed bookplate and all you have to do is order a book” and I was all “I already ordered your book” and you were all “thank you.”

And even though that conversation took place (almost) entirely inside my head, it still made me very happy, because a very important person once told Harry Potter that just because it happens inside your head doesn’t mean it’s not real.

Thank you Jenny!!! I laugh until I cry at your conversations with Victor posts. Damn. I needed a laugh like that today. My four going on fifteen year old daughter and I butted heads all morning. I came thisclose to making a wine slushy, but I’m not quite sure how to make wine slushies. That kinda put a damper on things, but this post is completely awesome!

For the record, I thought the mug said that you love escalators. I love escalators now that I’m old enough that they don’t scare me anymore. Maybe someone who is scared of them can carry the mug around and convinced themselves that they love escalators and give one a try sometimes. I’m still sleep deprived. I’m sorry if none of this makes sense. 😀

I thought you were talking about slides like the photo slides they had in the 70s and I thought omg Jenny found some slides at one of those stores or auctions she goes to involving people and the taxidermic animals they love or suspect zombies or creepy dolls or something equally appropriate.

Jenny, I’m sad that I have to wait for April to get my book. It’s like we’re RELATED. If you travel to Northern California to do signings – contact me. I’ll totally buy you a coffee. I got exiled for marrying a Northerner…

I would happily host you here in Seattle. You could have a whole floor of the house to yourself, with your own bedroom (queen sized bed), tv room, bathroom, kitchen, and library. As a bonus, the library has a day bed w/ a trundle if you want to bring Hailey. We can create some kind of pulley system where we send books down to you, you sign them, then send them back up.

What kind of nachos? Because if you don’t specify then when I go to the store I’ll stress and buy too many and then we’ll be eating nachos all night which isn’t really bad, except then we’ll get thirsty. So I better get beer too. God! I have to shop!

I have to go on record as saying that that hedgehog did NOT look like he was having a pleasant relaxing bath. Looked more like he was frantically trying to keep from drowning. You could almost see him saying “Goddamnit I’m not an otter you idiots!”

Why do you have to make this so difficult for me???!!! I was going to wait until it was actually released so I could buy it from our locally-ish owned and operated bookstore and therefore support bookstores staying open. I don’t suppose this deal would also apply if I pre-ordered at Joseph-Beth Booksellers, would it?

The mug is awesome. I don’t drink coffee but do love hot chocolate as long as there is alcohol involved, especially french vanilla kahlua. During Christmas I even found french vanilla marshmallows shaped like snowmen. They go well with the kahlua laced (ok drenched) hot chocolate. And now that I’m completely off target I must also say that I am eagerly anticipating the arrival of both my book and now my fabulous bookplate. Yay me for preordering in Nov. If my kid wasn’t in the other room puking I might be furiously happy -guess I’ll save that for later, probably while drinking kahlua, err Hot Chocolate.

Pre-ordered the book, signed up for the bookplate, still working on convincing my husband that we really really really need the life-size cardboard TARDIS. Not sure why he doesn’t understand this. It’s possible he’s worried the dog will pee on it. My dog has more sense than that. You don’t pee on the TARDIS.

Also, I thought it was “I love going up the down escalator”, too. It’s like an inkblot – your take on it says SO much about you. And now we know where Victor’s mind lives.

I love that mug…saw it at work and it made me laugh like a crazy chick in my cubical!

I was so excited when I was reading this… I pre-ordered your book 3 weeks ago!… But then my joy immediately turned to sadness…all because your bookplate isn’t available in Canada…What do you have against us Canucks?

Heck I live in the Arctic… just south of the Arctic Circle in a small-remote-fly-in community of 1400 people…can’t you hook up one of your most NORTHERN FANS?!

I want to preorder but I don’t have a bank account. Or money. But I do have a birthday coming up so my birthday present to myself is going to be your book. Or a trip to your house. We’ll see how it goes.

Here’s how excited I am about your book: When I read that you were giving away the bookplate, I got so geeked up over it that I signed up for it and then remembered after I’d submitted my form that I pre-ordered the Nook version of your book. I guess I will be glueing the bookplate to my iPad and you can just sign the screen when I come see you on your book tour! Yay for you – so proud of your achievements, Jenny!

I will be VERY happy to host a book signing if you head to my neck of the woods. I can promise a large serving of AWESOME nachos and a great beer to go along with it (plus lots of Beyonce lovers and readers!). I can also almost promise that I can get our local bookstore to host and promote this little party!!!! Head to CT and give me a call!

OMG….I will make you all kinds of kick ass nachos if you do a book signing at my house. I live in a quiet neighborhood with a firestation at the end of the street. It’s always helped out for my many medical emergencies and crises. Plus, platoon 3 is smokin’ hot, no pun intended. I am pre-ordering now. I had to wait for a good payday. Technically, I’ll be pre-ordering after midnight. That’s when I let it all hang out, too.

Why do those of us with PO Boxes always get shafted? It’s not our fault the US Postal Service won’t deliver to our house! So unless you get that sorted out, I’ll have to count on you doing a book tour in Hawaii. I’ll be sure to have some Kalua Pork Nachos for you… They’re honestly the best kind I’ve ever had!

I don’t suppose the bookplate offer extends to those of us who have pre-ordered the Kindle version–and I could scarcely complain about that–but I figured I’d ask, just in case. I pre-ordered a while ago, and would dearly love to have a signed bookplate from you, but as I said, I know I don’t really have a legitimate claim on one.

Going to preorder the book now. The book tour has to have a stop in sin city right? I think it’s the greatest excuse to come have fun in Vegas. Also getting the mug…cuz i totally love going down….slides AND poles.

ps. that one comment about you are a red dress, but not in a creepy way, like they wanted to wear you totally had me saying “put the fuckin lotion in the basket” out loud..but not in a creepy way.

What an incentive to pre-order the book! I even went ahead and splurged on a REAL book🙂 My kindle will just have to be jealous of the awesomeness of pages and book plates. Thanks for making my night perk up just a bit!

I’m with Victor on this one. The hookers in my hood are always toting a coffee on their strolls. Might be good for business. Can you overlook my Canadianism (sounds like v.d.) if I just offered to help a friend in P.A. bury a body? (Hypothetically.)

I totally thought that mug was proclaiming your love for going up the down escalator. Kind of like going against the grain and all.

Apparently, I don’t think like Victor or you for that matter. I must be going against the grain. I need that mug, but I need it to look more like the person is facing the up direction. I don’t want to be mistaken for someone who likes sex acts in the park.

I haven’t pre-ordered the book, but I definitely will. I need to get the bookplate and have a little piece of you.
I really want to make you nachos so I hope your book tour brings you close to me. If it does, I’ll personally deliver them under the table to the book store.

I gotta take Victor’s side on this one. That’s totally “I love going down.”

And while idly scrolling through the comments, I saw your nachos recipe. I am clearly not very adventurous, as it never occurred to me to use Doritos in nachos. Maybe you should come to my house. I have a lovely bathroom that’s good for hiding.

I filled out my questionnaire because I pre-ordered the book the second you posted it was coming out in April, so if I got the date wrong, that’s the reason.

I have a kindle, but this one I have to have in hard cover. Some books are just too good for the e-readers! It will be you and my Stephen King books. I’m not sure if that’s a compliment or not, but you can consider it one.

So happy to be getting my very own book with my very own bookplate. How on earth will I survive until April?????

Okay, you persuaded me to stop what I was doing (putting my daughter to bed) and order your book immediately. Which I just did. I can’t WAIT to read it.

I may have to reach out to a few of the local bookstores to make sure they get you to visit while on your book tour. I’d offer my home for it, but I only have seating for two at the dining table, and my couches are a bit shabby . . . yes, I think the bookstore would be better. Please post when you know where you’ll be headed!

This is my plan. I’m going to order your book. Then I’m going to have you sign it on your tour. And I’ll bring my hedgehog, Vlad The Impaler, and a bucket/soap, with me. And then a good time will be had by all.

Noooooo! What if we poor Canadians sent you self-addressed, pre-stamped envelopes? Could you possibly send us back autographed Hamlet Von Schnitzel bookplates? Otherwise you absolutely must come to Toronto!…please?

I pre-ordered for my Kindle but I still want the plate (i filled out the penguin form) because I have been looking for some b-ling for my kindle and this will do the tre-yak. Also, I have a hedgehog and I can tell you that hedgie was NOT enjoying that bathe, he was swimming for his little quilly life. Those crazy high pitched women should be reported.

Sad that the book plate is only for Americans. I live in Australia. And not even on the populous side of the place. So I doubt you will be signing books over here. Mind you, you have quite a lot of fans in my hometown.

And, I actually do live in a state that is bigger than Texas. 8 times bigger. Just sayin….

I was thinking of purchasing a copy for myself and buying extra copies to give to friends as gifts. So do I only get a single Hamlet Von Schnitzel bookmark or can I get one for every purchased book? Somehow doing the Solomon solution to Hamlet would lessen the impact of the bookmark.

I’m cool with you swinging by and all, but I don’t do Nachos. I am crazy with the baking though, so if cake, cupcakes and cookies are OK, feel free. When you come over though, you have to sign the wall in my living room. It will thoroughly piss off Huzzy, AND I’ll be able to say “Jenny signed my wall!” and people will be all like, “But I didn’t see that on Facebook.” And I’ll be like, “No, my WALL, My living room wall. With marker. She’s worse than my toddler.”

I was reading the comments (which are as good as your blog most days) when I realised that in April (or September) when I have my ‘going down’ mood and get all anxiety and cryey and sadey, not all obsessed with whimsical sessions of oral) that I can come here and laugh my ass off.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Jenny Bloggess and your super blog-commenting people (what is the collective term for these people (oo and me!)? Bloggess-ers? Bloggess-ians? Bloggess-iards?). I am not scared of April 2012 – I am thinking I can pre-order your book and have a little April celebration of ‘going down’ instead – which may or may not involve actual slides, or whimsical sessions of oral😉

Love it!! Several years ago I was working in Dubai. While there, I had to take a friend to the airport and when we were on the elevator in the parking garage there was a sign that had all the different languages to mark the elevator as the “down” elevator. We got to laughing because in English it said “Go Down” and in Arabic it translated to something like “Shananalah”…. So now, our new way to say “go down” is “Shananalah” !! :o)

Looks like there are many of us out of luck Canadians (hopefully just until further notice). I say we all band together and form an invasion army! We will come into the US and wave our hockey sticks threateningly until we get our book plates! But not to worry, we’ll bring nachos. And poutine. Then, we’ll clean up nicely with our pocket serviettes, say our polite “thank yous” and head back north on our saddled moose. Eh.

Jenny — I was, of course, planning on buying your book and now have changed my mind….I am going to pre-order it, right this minute. I cannot fill out the form for nameplate because I am in Canada, so thank you for providing a digital copy. Hoping your book becomes a best-seller because you are courageously awesomely beautiful. P.S. I think Jesus would love it.

Me: I want the Bloggess’ book.
My fiance: Why?
Me: Because it’s going to be AWESOME and HILARIOUS! Also, any book with a taxidermied mouse holding a skull, dressed in an Elizabethan collar and cape on the cover is AWESOME!
My fiance: No, it would be better if it was RAVEN holding the mouse, holding the other thing.
Me: *gasp* Oh my god. And a cat could be holding the raven, holding the mouse holding the skull. We just created an infinite loop of AWESOME!

When I first glanced at it, it totally looked like a slide, love slides. Then I read a little more and now Victor has spoiled the mug for me, nice one Victor. I’m considering pre-ordering your book for all my family members for Xmas since none of them have a fucking sense of humour and it will be fun to put some sparkle into their lives. But, some nameplates to Oz would be awesome! Actually just one for me

If you weren’t already married, I’d propose. I love slides too!!!!!
Oh, wait, I’m not really a lesbian; so you can clearly see A: why we couldn’t really marry each other and, B: why I loves slides as much as I do.
That is all.
No, you didn’t read that wrong.
I really do loves slides that much.
*clears throat*

My favorite auto-correct story?? A few friends of mine were gossiping about a person named Grace (who is not a nice person, quite frankly) and one of the messages came through talking about “Gross”. Hey, if the shoe fits! Indeed.

I’m concerned about the hedgehog. I’m not sure they like baths. Perhaps what they thought was an enjoyable float was actually sheer terror to the point of being unable to move. I think I may have missed the point of your post. Hedgehogs are distracting.

I used to live in Beijing, where some brilliant person got the idea to steal the I Heart NY logo (how do you type a real heart anyway?) and make I Heart BJ shirts. The shirts were wildly popular among a certain segment of expats, but I don’t think the vendors ever figured out why. Indeed, some of the expats didn’t figure out why, either, and it was awfully funny to see them strolling around town with “I Heart BJ” printed prominently on their chests.

I realized that autocorrect on my phone recognized “TARDIS” and even put it in all caps for me. Then I realized that I may have entered that into the dictionary at some point over the past year and a half. Either way, my phone is totally awesome.

Your book tour should come to Miami!! Then you can take a little break to Key West with Ferris Mewler so he can meet all the 6 toe Hemingway cats and chickens that run the streets!
This might never happen due to the fact that we’re so far down there.

I’m hoping the bookplate won’t be an issue getting it sent to my military overseas address, I know the book will get here no problem. But I loves me some free stuff, even better is signed free stuff with your publicist on it! He’s adorable!!! Does he do birthday party appearances?? Mine’s in June and I’d love for him to pop in and say hello! I’ll be in Maryland, let’s make this happen🙂 (I’m really only of kind of kidding here too. I’ve been away from the states for 3 long years, does it show?!?)

I live in Japan BUT I have a permanent residence in America too (though I am rarely there). . is it possible to be considered a valid person in US. . kinda? my car is there! can my car accept the book plate with my pre-order? My car is very nice for accepting my mail for me and I am sure it will pass it on to my dad who will mail it to me in Japan eventually. Wait, if my car pre-ordered your book (since it is in the US) then would my car be valid for this offer of a signed book plate and then maybe it can give it to me as a gift. . brain storming here, feel free to ignore this odd rambling.

If you’re not allowed to send special things like that outside of America to say, Australia, could you work out something else special like a Beyonce post card with something naughty written/signed on it?
Sorry, too much Regretsy Kickstarting…

I’m so proud of you though, and will probably pre-order your book or get around to buying it three years down the track when I get through all the other books and somehow discover it on an Australian book shop shelf.

love the mug – have no problem with a good-time girl that likes to do it in the park (just sayin). And my guacamole is the perfect accompaniment to a great many things, but especially newfoundlander nachos.

Hey, somebody’s gotta serve the niche Hooker market. Good on you for tackling it.🙂
Can you get books winging their way over to the UK? Pretty please? I’ll get you some guacamole AND salsa. Don’t say I’m not good to you.

I can’t believe I was so mesmerized by a hedgehog floating on his back in a bathtub that I watched the whole video. No doubt it’s because I’m Canadian and this was meant to soften the blow about the bookplate.

Well played.

I’ll still get the book even if I can’t have a bookplate. However, I need to make the poster my desktop picture. Must make Jesus proud.

Any hope for Australians getting this? I can’t wait for your book!!!!!!
Ps. On the topic of auto correct, have you seen the website that has all the auto corrects? (Damn you auto correct). I almost wet myself laughing. Almost.
But just don’t try telling the person next to you what’s funny – it doesn’t translate well and you end up looking like a goose.

So I preordered your book🙂 After reading through most of your archive in a few days, it’s not like I ever had a choice😉
I hope I’ll be able to get a bookplate, too – even if I live outside of the US (Germany, to be precise) but will probably have to make do with a printout of it😦

but but but I pre-ordered months ago and I live in England! I have no idea what a book plate is, but i’m super sad I’m gonna miss out on one! ah well – the book-y awesomeness will just have to console me. Is it still gonna take an EXTRA month after the book comes out for it to get to me? If so I might just cry.

Ummm, my first thought (out loud) was “why is the person going up the down escalator?” My husband just shook his head & walked away.
I preordered The Book through Amazon in December, but I live in Australia – can I still put my hand up for a name plate?

Pre-ordered via amazon.co.uk. I really hope international pre-orders will be able to get the personally signed bookplates too. (Pity us because we can’t come to the book tour… yet! Let us know when the world tour starts🙂 )

Also, I missed the fact that all the books I ordered will be shipped together (first time amazon buyer) so my other books won’t be arriving till the end of April too. Don’t worry though, I will read yours first!

I’ll keep my eyes peeled for news that international pre-orders will get bookplates! I should not be punished for your stringent immigration policies!
Also, could you come to the UK on your booktour, specifically south London, specifically to the little Turkish coffee shop near my house that makes great cake? Because you see I would totally go and see you in a bookstore, except there would be a LOT of people, and they would probably be really near to me and that would probably end in hyperventilation and possibly fainting. And then they’d call an ambulance and you’d panic and everyone would lose.
You know, everyone is going to turn up to your book signings with bags of nachos now. Like some insane-person inside joke. Bookstores across the globe will scratch their heads in bafflement.

Many things going through my mind right now, but to be fair, I’ve only had half a cup of coffee at this point of the morning.

First, I too, thought your mug was an “I love escalators” mug. I think I love escalators more than slides so would prefer that caption as I so have to buy this mug. Then, once I finally get the staid federal job that I want, I can take it to work and be horrified when people think my mug is a sexual innuendo. Although, being in the DC area, anyone who takes Metro will totally understand my love of a working escalator.

Second, I wasn’t planning on preordering your book as I wanted to wait at the door of my local Barnes & Noble so that I could be the first customer on book release day. This would serve many purposes. I can be the first to buy your book, I can take pictures of your book display and I can move copies of your book all over the store so more people will see it. Now that I’ve seen the bookplate, I’m going to have to preorder AND wait at B&N.

The extra copy can go to my big kid who just moved to Chicago. I have introduced her to the wonder that is you and she already thinks Hamlet von Schnitzel is quite possible the cutest stuffed Shakespeare emoting mouse ever.

Lastly, if you tour, I’m sure most bookstores would be willing to let you do your signings in the bathroom. I’m totally up for helping you if you do one in the Metro DC area.

Love, love, love reading your blogs every morning…great way to start the work day!! Hopefully the fans in Canada will be able to order the bookplate sooner rather than later!! I am soo going to order that mug and proudly have it sitting on my work desk!!!
Thanks for being you Jenny!

First I was all “WOO! BOOK!” and then I saw the cover. That made me all “Holy shit! I know that mouse! He’s from Paxton Gate!” I came home from that store all jazzed to make mouse clothes for dead mice. So much so that when I dispose of an unlicensed house mouse, my kids make snarky “aren’t you going to make it a tutu first, mom? Maybe a wee clown hat to hide the damage to its skull?” comments. To think I wasted all that time nursing those bastards.

Just had an amazing realization. I have Barnes & Noble gift cards from a December promotion at CVS. Basically, I just preordered Let’s Pretend This Never Happened and paid for it with Christmas lights. Coolest form of payment, ever.

(Oh, and my post up above, “possible” is supposed to be possibly. I can only blame it on me. I don’t have autocorrect….)

(Duh, forgot to mention that the big kid is a Pastry Chef in Chicago and is part of a crew of peeps opening a new and amazing restaurant there. A good friend of hers is one of the Bartenders and could totally whip up some wine slushies for you that you could have with some of Big Kid’s plated creations. And I make an absolutely killer guacamole for all the nachos that people will bring you in the DC area.)

I was all ready to order the book and then the bookplate but I thought “Oh no, she’ll have THOUSANDS of bookplates to sign, and what if she gets so tired and stressed doing it that mine is the one that sends her over the edge? What if she says “I just can’t sign ONE. MORE. BOOKPLATE.” and it’s mine she’s looking at? Then what? I’d feel so guilty.
So here’s the deal. If you do sign mine, I’ll send you something nice in return, but the thing is I don’t know where you live😦 so I hope we can work this out. Believe me, I can send nice things, and you deserve it.
And I want an I Heart Going Down mug.

When I saw the title of this post i half expected we were now requesting pictures of Bill Murray doing something mundane….you know like golf. I hope to be preordering in the next couple days. And I too thought the mug was going up the down escalator but I like your version MUCH better which is why you are writing the blog and we are commenting….in other words you are the fabulous one who makes us all furiously happy.

You make me smile every.single.day! Unless you don’t post anything that day….then my whole day is shit,usually because Im late for work reading older posts that make me smile. I need a 365 day calander with “Jenny crack” on it,like the farside calanders that you can pull apart like a post-it note. You should ake one for your store.
ps.
I call it “Jenny crack” when Im talking to my boyfriend because its addictive like crack, not because it has anything to do with your arse,I swear. Its better than calling it “that giant chicken ladys blog” which is what my boyfriend calls it……which usually leads to me screaming because he cant remember that the chicken has a NAME!!!
pss.
thank you for making it more fun to be bi-polar.You sooooo rock!

As I was reading your debate with Victor about the meaning of the mug, my 4 year old walked up behind me and said, “I love slides.” I asked him how he knew that, and he said, “I just looked at the pictures on that cup.” Take that one to the bank. Also, I might need to get that kid a bell on his collar.

i would totally buy a mug that said i❤ going down….and no, victor, i am not a hooker. judger. and YAY! cannot wait to get my signed bookplate, i don't even know what a bookplate thingy is, but yay anyway. highly anticipating the arrival of THE BOOK.

That mug would make a perfect bedside, um…spit receptacle. Or water mug. Whatever suits your fancy. Can’t wait to read your book, my girlfriends are using it as an excuse to form a book club. And by book club, I mean daytime drinking. *Cheers*

I can’t believe that Victor is perpetuating the stereotypes that hookers like to go down as opposed to doing it because it’s their job. That’s like saying that secretaries like to type. And to secrete or something.

Make a mug that says I love swinging and we’ll talk. You know, about swinging and stuff. Not that I buy coffee mugs because I don’t really drink coffee or other hot beverages very often. And by swinging, I mean playground swings swinging, not having sex with alot of people. Not that I wouldn’t love that either…

Personaly, I saw slides too at first. And then I saw escalators and “going down” lol. But escalators scare me so… yeah haha. But I love the cup nonetheless and it’s nothing like a good dirty conversation to get you out of writer’s block!

Well I found the one guy out there who thinks that that mug says “I love slides”-my husband. I read it as “i love going up down escalators”. I guess opposites DO attract. I love him so I will keep him. Also, I love your book plate but I love your posters even more! Is there a way to get one of THOSE? Oh and to Lindsay@235 I live close to Intercourse. The joke is really that Intercourse is located in between Blue Ball and Paradise (which it really is for those who don’t know). And regarding the hedgehog, I’m with those people that didn’t think he looked like he was having fun. I think he would’ve said “WTF people, I am trying to stay afloat. Get me out of this damn bathtub. Oh look I can be a blowfish”. That all of course IF hedgehogs COULD talk. I wonder if hedgehogs like slides, or escalators, or going down?

P.S. For those who keep asking because no one else has explained:
A bookplate is like a fabulous sticker for the inside of your book that says “This book belongs to me”. In this case it should say “I am awesome as is Jenny Lawson. She signed my book-here>”.

Oh fuck yeah! I was waiting until the book came out to order it, because I’m not good about waiting for things I order. But I got my tax return back yesterday and I was looking for something cheap but nice to get for myself to celebrate. Because of this offer, I just totally preordered the shit out of your book. Now I’m going to forget I did it and I’m going to get a wonderful surprise in the mailbox in April. Yay for presents for future-me from past-me!

P.S. I think you’ll like this. There is a taxidermist near my house whose business motto is “Skinnin & Grinnin since 2009”.

Ok, I pre-ordered the Kindle version, too, and am SOOOOO excited to stick the bookplate to the back of my iPad (which is where I read now, having given my Kindle to my youngest daughter.) I love the idea of electronic readers becoming covered with bookplates, like old steamer trunks covered with destination stickers. I makes me ridiculously happy, but it means we’re gonna have to convince other authors to be as cool as you, Jenny.

And I’ll have a giant plate of nachos waiting for you if you come to Minneapolis on your book tour. They don’t call me “Norsk of the Border” for nothing!

Maybe autocorrect thought you were freaking out more than you actually were — you can get a whole lot more in shiploads than in shitloads. Trust me on this one — I work in ship finance (anyone want to buy an oil tanker? Got several to go — cheap), and you can get a whole lot in a ship load.

Anyway, thanks for the reminder to preorder. If you knew what a big fat cheapskate I am, you would be even more impressed that I’m thrilled to pay FULL PRICE and not just wait for the local library to get it. It must be true love if a cheapo shells out the bucks! I’ll be checking the mail 5x a day until the book arrives. Is is here yet? Is it here yet? How about now? Now? Now?

P.s. For the book tour, you are welcome to come to my house. Hope you are not allergic to dogs. I’ll set out some sangria. For the people, not the dog. Although the dog does try to sneak a taste now and then. Hope you are not allergic to sangria-scented dogs.

Well, I ordered the kindle edition and a hardcover for my bookcase…now the tough decision of where to put my bookplate… Getting super excited for April! Game of Thrones and your new book all at one time?! I might just spontaneously burst from all the excitement!

So I was going to ask the dumb question of ‘do kindle pre-orders get a bookplate?’ before realizing that ‘Duh! The book plate would probably just mes up my screen!’ so I have decided to order the hardcover version of your book. Mostly because I have a feeling that I could cheer my friends up by lending it to them, but I don’t trust them enough to think I’d ever get my kindle back.

Oh, and so I can get a bookplate. When they fix the whole no PO Box thing. B/c they totally should. Especially for APO boxes for people in other countries (like me!).

You are an evil temptress. I was going to just get the audiobook AND I live in Canada but I am weak and you are strong, so I ordered the book anyway and had the nameplate sent c/o my sister in Boston. Hmm, maybe I should thank her for taking delivery with a brand new mug …

So, I ordered your book and the Harry Potter DHP2 Blu-Ray at the same time, then clicked combine into as few shipments as possible, you know for the environment and stuff. We’ll now I don’t get Harry Potter until April…that’s how much I want this book.

Love the book, blah, blah, blah….but I’m concerned for the hedgehog. I know he’s only swimming because he said to me, “F you bitches of course I’m swimming. Stop with all the bull about how proud you are of me, because you two dumb asses threw me in this tub and are trying to drown me!”

I love that Victor had to add the “again” to his question about making mugs for hookers.

I’m really looking forward to the book and I am already imagining bookstore reactions to the line of people waiting for you to sign your book. The line will be full of people in red dresses, wearing silver ribbons, carrying either metal chickens or taxidermied animals that are laughing and sometimes crying* and talking about the impact and awesomeness of you, The Bloggess. It will be the furiously happy tour and there will be plenty of shenanigans afoot.

*crying in a good, cathartic way…not in a I’m so sad I’ve been forced to be here sort of way.

You will have a book tour in Houston, your old stomping grounds, right? I haven’t been this excited about a book tour since.. ahem.. well.. I’ve never been excited about a book tour let alone THIS excited. Just asked for my signed book plate card since I pre ordered on Nov 4th (just checked amazon to see the date). 🙂. I hope all the stops in your book tour have large bathrooms for you to party (take a break) in.

My husband and I had basically the same conversation about your mugs the other day when I introduced him to your shop, except I was the one saying “Who wants a mug expressing love for going down?” and he was advocating slides. Fnnny, since I’m the one who wants a slide in our house.

Because I am weird I want a bookplate. Even though I pre-ordered my book for my Nook e-reader. I am going to attach my bookplate to my case for my Nook. And yes, I understand this is weird. I also think I need a hooker mug for work.

Pre ordered my book, requested the bookplate. And you can have a book signing at my house if you want. It is all good by me…I’m a little hard to find though, but I can print up maps. Whatever, but I have a slide, or I will have a slide. I am going to buy cause I too love to slide and now I know its ok to love to slide even at 55. So thank you for making it ok for me to slide in public. Or at least in front of my family. Well the dogs at least, but I am rambling now. Thank you Jenny for being you and making me feel it’s ok to be me.

Damn, now I’m gonna have to order a hooker mug too… Jenny I should just give you my credit card since I spend it all in your store…I guess you already have my credit card, technically since I shop in your store a lot…Now I know where those charges for meat of the month club came from…

Jenny!! Mara, comment above, said “Team
Victor”! There should TOTALLY be some Team Victor stuff in your store! I person ally would buy the shit out of that, and I bet lots of your fans would, too! TEAM VICTOR because you wouldn’t be you without him! Love you both!

The bookplate is super awesome and generous & absolutely amazing for you to offer! Thanks! And now that you have my home address, you’re welcome to do a book signing at my house. If you prefer, you can stay in the bathroom because there is just enough of a slot between the floor & the door to slide stuff under. It would be the most awesome & memorable book signing ever. Thanks again, for your generosity, kindness & ability to keep my side aching from laughter…especially on the days when I really need a laugh.

I guess my mind isn’t as dirty as I thought it was, cuz when I looked at the mug, I thought “Oh, I love escalators,” and didn’t even question it, because, well, it’s Jenny creating the mug. ‘Nuf said.

And now the deal is so sweet with the bookplates, I’ve preordered the hard copy *and* the Kindle versions.

BTW, when you stop by my house for the book tour, I’ll have nachos, tacos, enchiladas, burritos, mojitos and margaritas waiting. So if you’re really hungry and need a good stiff drink, I’ll have the goods!

I also totally thought you were saying you love going up the down escalator…seeing things from a different perspective…HA! And I am excitedly awaiting your book…kinda like waiting for the next Sloane Crosley or David Sedaris book!

Someone has to speak up for Victor here and I will. That mug absolutely says “I love going down” and what is wrong with that. I blame the church for creating a condition that suggests that going down means you are heading towards hell and are doing to be punished.

On the other hand poor hygiene practices can lead to hellish experiences so maybe the pope knows more than I do about this. But then again the pope isn’t supposed to have practical experience in this area so I claim the higher ground.

Damn, do you see how the church just influenced my choice of words. I should have said I claim the lower ground. Ah, the foolishness of a morning without coffee is killing me. Just send the damn bookplate to me and let’s forget the nonsensical ramblings of a crazy 40 something year-old man.

Has anyone pointed you to what your book looks like in WorldCat, yet? I mean, I’m hoping that whoever e-mailed you from the Library of Congress had the good graces to show his/her work when s/he was done.

You are invited to Canada. We have nachos and beer. I’ll also print your digital signature bookplate and tape it to my book, I am happy to do so as it will help reduce the agonizing pain and trauma in your hand from having to sign so many other bookplates with real signatures.

Your blog was brought to my attention last summer when I was given an iPad as I waited on a ventilator for a double lung transplant. My brother put your blog in my blog shelf, and the first post I read was about Beyonce. Now you can imagine that being on a ventilator would not be fun, and rather depressing when your future is either death or new lungs, but your blog brought me more laughs than I can say and at that point I didnt laugh much, partially because I couldn’t breath but also because life sucked. In October I received my double lung transplant after 4.5 months in the hospital. To this day I read your blog and check it multiple times a day just to see what new thing you have to say that will make me laugh or pause. We all have issues of some sort and I love how you are able to make it through and find humor even as you struggle. I look forward to reading your book, and most importantly I now have the ability to laugh until my sides hurt because I can breath. Thanks for bringing me sunshine when I needed it most.
Sarah

Do the name plates get sent before or after the book release? I have pre-ordered the book but will be moving between now and the time it is released so I have no idea which address to use for the name plate. This is a serious issue…I want a signed version of the book!
(Before, I think. ~ Jenny )

Did any one else get sidetracked watching the video of the “swimming” hedgehog? My DH walked into the room while I was watching it, and I was all like, “Hey! Come watch this video of a swimming hedgehog, except a) it isn’t swimming, it’s floating on it’s back now, and B) it hasn’t moved in a while…I think it drowned!” Talk about relieved when the thing rolled over, but panic set in again as its face went under the water multiple times. It was like watching a video based on a Beatrix Potter book about waterboarding!

Nathan Fillion wouldn’t send me a picture of him eating bacon either. Neither would Ryan Reynolds. It must be a Canadian thing. I did, however, manage to procure some lovely photos of Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen holding sporks at the Portland State University food carts last week though. So I can now add them to fellow spork-carriers Timothy Hutton, Alan Tudyk, and Kyle MacLachlan in my montage.

I live in Seattle. Amazon.com is in Seattle, they sell your book. Also, there are a lot of really funky people in Seattle, but not as many as in Portland, but still we are loaded with the strange (I am living proof), my point? Your book tour will be coming to Seattle because your kind of people are here, so I will wait and have my copy autographed in person. See if you can get someplace cool like Elliot Bay Book Store an Independent and not Barnes and Noble (which is where I am sure you will end up). Have no fear about coming to Seattle, you have a fan here who has a prescription to Xanax and a really cool Therapist that would probably be more than happy to talk you out from under a table, she talks me down from the ledge often. I would recommend however you stay out of the 5000 coffee shops we have around the city…just because everyone jitters here you don’t have to.

Damn that Ferris Mewler is a sexy cat. Look at him with his tongue out, all “Come hither, my dear”. Nathan Fillion, I want you to wrap yourself in twine and stick your tongue out while saying “Come hither” with your eyes, just like Ferris Mewler here. Preferably shirtless.
Thank you,
The entirety of the Firefly fandom that also reads the Bloggess

Thank you Jenny for forcing me to buy your book TWICE. One for me to have for the bookshelf and hopefully get you to sign on your book tour and the other for my Kindle (I couldn’t ask you to sign my Kindle). Well it is a first edition and in 20 years I can pass it down to someone as a collector’s item. And they will be all…oh SHIT you have a First Edition Lawson???? Are you kidding me? I’ll be all arrogant about it too. I’ll be really old and arrogant.

Man, if I could only have as much fun with a spool of twine as Ferris does… think of the money I’d save! (Among other things, I could afford to have one of those fancy TV samurai chefs prepare the world’s best nachos and cater a book tour party at my humble abode). Heck, I could even afford to have Jesus the Hairdresser come & give everyone free perms.

I live in Australia and the fact that I cant get a signed book plate sent over makes me sad… I guess I’ll get over it. I ordered a copy for me and my sis as a birthday present. Can’t wait til they arrive. You really are an amazing human being. Muchos love. D

Jenny,
you rock my world over and over again (I mean in a really bitchin’ slide kind of way, not the other thing). And it has NEEDED rocking. I think I may actually be starting to get the stick out of my ass. It’s really been quite painful, but all the laughing definitely helps.
Thanks again. Can’t wait to get the book and plate, but of course I will, gladly.

and although everyone is saying “ewwwww! gross”, that’s exactly what the escamasturbator wants you to think, you stupid fuckers. see he’s a terrorist. his escamasturbation is being done so that his radioactive jizz (did i mention he has radioactive jizz?) will clog up the escalator and irradiate everyone else in the mall.

I rarely buy books till they come out used (single mom on shoe string budget) but THIS I will buy, and I will love, and hopefully laugh myself silly on the bus while riding into Seattle and making all the people next to me totally uncomfortable as I giggle and roll in the isle, and then I can laugh at them too! Will be amazeballs!

My mother in law is in Alaska. Think she could pre-order for me, have the book send OVER MY HEAD to Alaska, and then mail it on down to me? I mean yes, I could just order the book, steal the book plate image, print it, and paste it in myself. But I like the idea that you licked it. You are personally licking them all, right?

I was wanting to download your book on my iPad when it is available. So now you are telling me you are going to sign my iPad? When you sign my iPad it is basically going to fuck up my Angry Birds and Solitaire playing so now I am going to have to buy a new iPad. Damn Jenny, this book is going to cost me a shitload of money! Thanks for that.

Gotta go with Victor on this. That is totally an escalator. Or a de-escalator as he pointed out. A slide would not have sideboards like that has. Just make it a flat platform and the guy flying off the end, ass-over-appetite, with his arms and legs flailing.

I totally love that mug! I will buy it and keep it on my desk and when a dirty IT guy comes by and gives me “that” look, I be like, “I *heart* slides @$$hole. Get your mind out of the gutter.” And, it will be totally awesome! =)

Yay! So excited about the bookplate!!! You are awesome and so deserving of a bestseller!!! =) Can’t wait to get my copy!!!

I pre-ordered! I commanded my (comparatively meager) legions of Facebook minions to pre-order! I requested the bookplate! You’re No. 1 in my… um, let’s say “heart,” so can I have the naked photos of you, anyway?!? XOXO

When I can pre-order from Canada…I will to get my own nameplate!! Please come to Canada for book signings!!!!!!! I make the most amazing nachos…and margaritas!! I will share with you…or make you your very own!

Maybe you could convince Wil Wheaton to join in your crusade persuading Nathan Fillion to hold twine for you. He might not listen to hundreds of Bloggess fans, but maybe he’d listen to Wesley Crusher.
P.S. The nachos are being made!

So…I totally thought the mug said “I :heart: escalators.” Which to me…seems totally reasonable because who really wants to hike all the way up a flight of stairs?! And elevators are scary! You can get stuck in one for..hours!

I love how in the second picture up on the right, Ferris is looking out as if to say, see Nathan Fillion, even I can make this look good🙂
I have to tell you, Jenny, you’ve been one of my biggest inspirations over the past couple years. It’s been a bumpy couple of years, but Beyonce, the travelling red dress and most recently, silver ribbons have made me laugh, cry, whoop hysterically and basically make everyone around me think I’m nuts when I read your posts. Which is fantastic. Because I pretty much am nuts. And inspired.
Love.

I just ordered my copy of your book! I’m even paying for it WITH MY OWN MONEY, despite the gift card I’m hoarding. I’ll use my gift card for books I don’t really want. Like textbooks. Your book is better than a textbook. Unless someone starts using your book AS a textbook. Then your book is the BEST textbook and dear God I just figured out what class my school should offer next semester…

Now how long do I have to wait to order your children’s book?

In the meantime, I’m going to start saving up for your oral sex mug. For my husband.

man, what do i have to do to get you to come to MY house and sign books? and boobs? mostly books though. seriously…..i’ll do anything. including murder. i also need that red dress for my friend sarah. her post-chemo beach extravaganza needs a red dress. i know…..you can come to the beach house WITH the red dress and sign books from there. there will be a lot more boobs in that deal since its a girls’ weekend. PLEASE! we’ll have booze, food, knives, vicodin (well, those are for me) and lots of porn videos. lots.of.porn.videos.

I would buy mugs made for hookers. I like slides too! I have this already http://www.cafepress.com/+shady_pirate_hooker_womens_tank_top,438392695.
So happy for you and your amazing sales. I have only recently found you, but keep sending friends to your page and joking that you have to be my long lost sister. Saw your post about being laid off. that is all good your book will make up for all of that!

Growing up Catholic means that of course I thought you meant a slide. And then how many times have I tried to explain to my husband that “everything is not about sex.” Which might also have to do with my Catholic upbringing.

I preordered my copy from Barnes & Noble, but in ebook form. I apologize if this means you get a smaller cut but, you know, I’ve got two kids in college and all so I’m a bit short on cash and a bit long on the need for a laugh, so we do what we have to do.

Anyway, could I still have a bookplate even though I have no book to which I could attach it? Perhaps I could just farm it and hang it above my desk at the painfully boring job, maybe even in a frame made from twine, to give me a smile during the day.

I hope YOU know how amazing as you are! Pre ordered the book! printed the pic for my office, its going in a frame next to my kids pics🙂 so going to order your amazing conversation starter mug! Book tour is a must! The panel will camp out to be the first in line.

Aw, Doni beat me to it! You are number #1, literally and figuratively. I have pre-ordered many copies for me and my loved ones and will be stalking your book tour for signatures and my first edition before giving them away to said loved ones.

The hedgehog video…O man! that thing is so super cute…but those chicks babbling in the background did get kind of annoying after about 30 seconds…though I’d probably be doing the exact same thing😛 But I was worried that with your penchant for the macabre that at some point the poor little thing wouldn’t turn back over and would be…well…you know…

As for the blowjob/cunnilingus mug…that slide is totally a SLIDE. It looks EXACTLY like the slide picture on the emergency card in an airplane. It is an inflatable slide. Obviously. Maybe it could be mistaken for an “I *heart* water-crash landings” but definitely NOT for what Victor said.

I will preorder too, I have seen many Canadians, Australians, and Britsh upset because they won`t get the bookplate, so I feel kinda better being upset from a totally different part of the world (BOLIVIA) (and being part of the group who don`t know what a bookplate is)

At a love remote for my radio show today I was demonstrating burpees but this weird man thought I was giving him a lap dance and I scared him so badly he dropped his biscuit.
I need to get a bookplate. I can put that and the poem you wrote me about my hair while at BlogHer in the book. It will be awesome.

Jenny, there is not enough coffee in my body to see if this has already been addressed, so I am just going to be the Lazy Bum who asks. I live in Okinawa and have a Military Post Box. SO I filled the form in with my dad’s address but used the same email address on the form so you could match it up. Is that all good with you?

Do you need anything from Oki? Dessicated pig face in a package that has sunglasses printed on? Dried snake (for eating, not decor)? Local sugar liquor that has a giant venomous snake in it?

If you wanted to tour here, you could certainly find things to do. We have a curved escalator here. It’s in a store that has Everything and it leads up to a bridal store. On a street with statues of hotdogs eating hotdogs, ginormous Hello Kitties dressed as things and random manga characters.
Also, there is a Love Hotel that has King Kong on the top of it. You can see it from the expressway and it’s between two churches.

Congrats on getting to number 1! I plan on buying your book for myself and my friend who introduced me to your blog so many months ago! With any luck those of us in Canada can eventually get the bookplate🙂 Maybe I’ll just have to rent a US mailbox for that purchase and drive down to get it🙂

Oh, I think Tina Fey will like you AND your book! (Be sure to read hers.) AND she probably wants to pose naked in your wolf, too. So I look forward to this and to you hosting SNL. And a guest gig on 30 Rock. And The Colbert Report.

Oh, Jenny. You are beloved by so many and my voice is just another in the mass of people, but I do so love you. And I personally find nothing wrong with a cup that says “I love going down.” I’d prefer a cup with a picture that says “I love it when YOU* go down” but that might be confusing on a mug, yes?

*By “YOU” I meant somebody else. Not YOU you. You know? I meant YOU as in a Guy. Because I am straight, not lesbian.**

**Not That there’s anything WRONG with that.***

***I do so miss Seinfeld.****

****Is it inappropriate to use so many asterisks on someone’s comment? My bad.

I ordered the book so long ago I had no idea how long it was but I FILLED OUT THE FORM IMMEDIATELY. Listen Jenny, NYC is big and kinda scary sometimes, so if you want some time in the burbs (I will supply nachos with xanax in them if you need it) you can always hand out here. Depending on your mood you can do a book signing or just hand out and play with my sweet dog, Callie. I’d say my teenagers but I failed as a parent, they don’t read. From your fellow blogger and friend, Laurie F. @ hibernationnow

That mug is perfect for my Saturday morning two weeks ago when I fell DOWN the stairs carrying a bunch of stuff for work. When everyone found out – I could’ve been like, see – I purposely fell down the stairs because… I LOVE falling down stairs. (Points to mug.) Ha.

This is totally because I went and preordered the damn thing after reading this post. :p I’d forgotten to do so, and I’m sure that pushed it over the edge! Congrats, Nude Lady With Dead Animal. Fabulous news.

P.S. The mug is awesome. It’s even better with the oral sex connotations.

i am almost ashamed to say that I looked at your nudey pic. BUT I saw Ferris’ pic and was like, “How is she going to top this?” and I had to see if you even came close….and you did, with a giant wolf hat.

After reading about the new mug, I remembered how much fun slides are. So I took my 7 month old son to the park and made him go down the slide. Turns out he does not heart slides. He does, however, heart shoving objects so far down his throat he gags and vomits. I’m pretty sure my little boy has a lucrative future in gay-for-pay porn. As long as it doesn’t involve slides.

So excited for your book!!! I even had to blog about it. Because you rock and I love you. But now I am in a quandry…you see I have a mad love affair with my iPad and I really wanted your book as an E-book, but now there’s a bookplate and though I am a genius librarian, even I can’t attach a bookplate to my iPad. What to do? My coworkers are urging me to go for the hard copy…probably so they can steal it.

When I first saw the mug I thought it was “I love going up the down escalator”. I can see it also meaning “I love slides”. I think Victor’s really reaching with “I love to go down”, but maybe it’s a guy thing.

I hope the issue of sending the bookplate to non-PO box addresses is resolved soon. I live in a small town in Nevada and we only get mail by PO Box, home delivery is NOT an option here.

Please come to Philadelphia, nachos will be provided. Plus, I can just imagine you doing Fresh Air with Terry Gross.
About that mug. I work at a law firm and we have a rooster portrait, which I think is a funny portrait to have up because it says, we’re not a stuffy law firm with oil portraits of lawyers, we have whimical portraits of roosters. So, several years ago I was in charge of the holiday party entertainment and I thought, I’ll take the rooster to the party and tell everyone that there’s a contest for who creates the best (joke) slogan for the firm. And it wasn’t until I was reading the entries, aloud, that I realized that a synonym for rooster is COCK and, well, you get the picture. If only I’d had a Victor in my life when I was naively dreaming up my slogan-for-the-firm game.

awww, man. i screwed all over the place! i pre-ordered my book for kindle. i live in Australia. i don’t have a printer. i would absolutely adore a mug that said ‘i❤ going down'. there are no slides within 100km of where i live.

but let's focus on the positives. i got up this morning and my hair was magically already *amazing*. i just rolled out of bed, walked to the cafe down the street and looked better than everyone else in this small town at fucking 7am. i also had all my teeth.

Hey! Love coming back and reading this blog — I think, if we knew each other, we’d have to agree that we’re way too different in so many aspects that we just couldn’t hang out. BUT. I love reading your writing, it’s great. AND I finally pre-ordered your book (took me long enough, right?).

Anyway, Ferris is super cute in those pictures. Er, I mean sexy.

And finally…….. it must become overwhelming to get so many comments. I’d probably end up ignoring them but PRETENDING I didn’t.

You make my day several times a week. What would make my year is if you hang out with a small part of your fan club in New York next time you come here. I promise to find a place with lots of bathrooms in which you could potentially hide.

Now see….I thought you loved quick evacuations off of an airplane if things ever went off course. That is what the mug immediately said to me without reading any further. I’m going to award you ‘slide’ rights on the picture! Everyone loves to evacuate safely off a crashing plane…..and your mug says ‘go ahead and land badly, I’ll just hop down this slide and love it’. There is a possibility that I should have kept this thought to myself.

Ok, firstly, F. Mewler totally hot with Twine. But not as hot as Hot Mama in a White Wolf! I’m with the “up the down escalators” confused group–but like Kara, in DC we love any working escalator, because they are a rare, rare thing. And, I think we’ve got you covered for DC. But I don’t cook, so I’ll have my husband make nachos. He makes really good Nachos, because we’re really from California, so you don’t have to worry about the East/North matrix problem…and now I’m going to go ask him what escalators have to do with sex.

Oh, and I preordered the book a while back, one for me, one for my sister, but she doesn’t get the bookplate, I do…now I just have to get my hands on the promo card! That’s fantastic!

Wait a minute.. I’ve had this book preordered for months if not YEARS and I still don’t have it and you’re at number 1? WTH? Did “pre-order” change to mean that you get it after everybody else?? THERE’S A LINE, PEOPLE!! Sheesh.

The hedgie video woldn’t play on my fancypants new phone.😦 For others in the same boat, search youtube for shming. See also http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zXjPQYgT25Q , which is is my favorite hedgie video. Hedgehogs are the new cats, you know – takin’ over the youtube! (though Ferris still rules, of course)

Damnit! I was planning on getting your book for my Kindle, but that’s all shot to hell now. Because I must have the awesome book plate, but I suspect putting it on my Kindle would rather impair my ability to read the book.

Sex on slides at the park would be so annoying. Think about that horrid “bare skin on metal” sound. Plus, if it’s hot out you’ll get burns in places that will embarrass you when you seek treatment. But sex on escalators might work….

Me: Oh! I have to start going to Comicon and up my stalking of Nathan Fillion
James: um, why…??
Me: Because! I need to follow him until he does a photo-op with fans, and I’ll get my picture with him and *bamb* last minute whip a spool of twine out of my bag and hand it to him”
James: “ok, why? Oh, is this for that blog girl- your hero?”
me: Yes! Jenny! She’s my hero. I would go STALKER for her!

So, see, my husband just lost his job, I won’t be pre-ordering the book, but it WILL be going on my “wish list” and maybe I’ll get it for Mother’s Day! 🙂 (laughing very hard at the person calling it “groceries”)

LOVE the pic of you “naked” … it’s amazing, and makes me wonder if perhaps we should start a wolf blitzer movement … lol 😉

By the way, if Tina Fey really does come after you with a cleaver, I wanna watch. Because it’d be a fake cleaver and the two of you would start joking around and Beyonce would get involved somehow, and that would be like the BEST TV SHOW EVER.

Ok, so I have been planning on pre-ordering your book for a while now… However my boyfriend will probably kick my arse, we have only been in our current apartment for 6 months and I have already half filled the bookshelf. So I am waiting til he orders a book, so then I won’t get the guilt trip.

HOWEVER, I currently live in Singapore. And I want that bookplate. Now if I order and get it delivered back home to Australia, is a better chance of me eventually getting that bookplate? Please? This is my first Jenny Lawson merchandise (said boyfriend would not let me get a Beyonce) and I feel it would be amazingly symbolic if it was autographed.

Also, I plan on getting the mug. And giving it to my boyfriend.🙂 Much more effective that way… And yes, because I interpret as Victor did. Sorry. But I do like escalators too, so I don’t feel bad.

I pre-ordered your book from Amazon.ca will keep an eye out for when I can order a limited-edition, Hamlet Von Schnitzel bookplate for my book as I live in Canada. Can’t wait till mid April!!
You look good under Wolf Blitzer, I should get my stuffed Ptarmigan made into a hat, bet it’d be the only one and so very chick

…and if you are near me for a book tour, I will totally come to have my copy signed. I’ve been to exactly one book-signing event ever before, and felt like I’d explode if I got to close to the author, so in the picture I’m at least an arm’s length away. But I would risk exploding for you!

I love you, and you totally deserve your #1 ranking. I predict that you will make a shipload of money on your outrageous book. Or a shitload. Whichever results in the biggest haul of cash for you. Congratulations!

Holy crap Jenny-Congrats on being number 1 (though I always knew you could do it)! Frankly, anyone who posts nude pictures of themselves wearing a wolf costume for the WHOLE WORLD to see can DO ANYTHING!!

(I hope I didn’t freak you out. Mostly I just want to hug you since you are so awesome. But I want to hug you while wearing clothes-not naked and wearing a wolf because that would be a little creepy).
Oh and hugs to Ferris Mewler as well. He totally rocks the twine!

Ferris Mewler is working that twine so hard Tyra Banks called to ask for lessons. That 6th photo … that face says “I make this shit look GOOD,” like no one’s business. Does he have an agent??? Get that cat an agent and a portfolio STAT.

I look forward to attending the signing at your house. I will of course need an address. No need to tell me when the tour is, I shall assume it to be whenever I show up and request signings. Will you provide the hookers who love slides or do I need to bring my own?

Before reading the description, I was sure the mug said, “I love going up the down escalator.” Do not ask me why I was so sure that the perfectly symmetrical little man was going up, but I was sure of it!

Love the pics of Ferris Mewler and the pic of you as well! (I was just telling a friend of mine about Wolf Blitzer yesterday, so now she shall have no choice but to go read more about him.) And congratulations on making it to #1!

To a man, everything is about sex. I can’t even watch Modern Family anymore with Beerhound. Remember the episode last week where Carmen through all her underwear at Phil. Yea, that was fun. And I don’t even wear underwear that like. They’re pervs, even if we do love them.

Ah! Will the bookplate ever be available in Canada or should I just give up hope and order one without? I know I can scraw a fake one in the front page but forgery has never been my forte. I always failed the draw creepy turtle to get into mail order art school.

This is totally unrelated, but I hope that you’re still reading these comments, Jenny. I just wore my new “Depression Is a Lying Bastard” t-shirt, and of the 2 people who saw me wearing it both said, “Nice shirt!” Congratulations for scoring 100%.

I got to about the part where Victor used the phrase “You just made a mug proclaiming the whimsical joy of oral.” and I laughed so loudly my husband came out of our bedroom and told me to shut up because he needs to go to sleep.

I suggested that sleep is for the weak and TheBloggess.com is for the awesome and he should really try to be more awesome.

Am I the only one wondering why A Feast For Crows is on Amazon’s Humor list? I was looking up Jenny’s book (Yes, I will be purchasing it!), and I noticed that a George R.R. Martin’s book was on the same list as Jenny’s.
I am a huge fan of Martin’s books. Anyone watch Game of Thrones on HBO? A Feast for Crows is a book in that series (A Song of Ice and Fire Series). Doesn’t quite belong in the HUMOR category, imo.

I just read the update—congratulations! I normally buy books for my nook, but for yours, I wanted to have the real thing. Plus, I really want to be able to put the fancy nameplate in it. I’m so happy for you—it’s well-deserved.

Okay — that was the funniest thing you ever wrote. That dang slide. That would so be something I would do — except on a very public scale where everyone would be in on the joke and I’d still be thinking it was a cute slide. Congrats on all the book hoopla. See, all the hard work was worth it.

Since you’re all so giving & stuff, I want to give you something back. I own a custom frame shop & art gallery in Fort Worth, and want to gift you with your choice of a framed book jacket, or I’ll even frame the whole damn book. Seriously, every author should have one. Let me know and it’s yours!

Jenny, I love you! You are awesome. Also, all the kids at the school I work, wear these newfangled hats that are an animal head with a scarf attached that looks like their front arms and paws. I wonder wear these designers get their ideas? Food for thought.

Found you a few months ago and my boyfriend hates that I have! But I love your sense of humor… He plays XBox live with his cousins every Sunday while I read your blog. I laugh out loud every week and start doing the “pee-pee dance” most times! His cousins hear me (they all wear headsets and talk while they play) and they always ask “What is up with your girlfriend”!!
Just wanted to say that you are awesome and totally make my weekends…

I totally thought the dude was going up the down escalator too. That graphic is like one of those weird black and white drawings where the normal people see a candlestick (or candelabra, hah!) and us fucked up people see an old, creepy witch.

And seriously…April 17th? This is worse than waiting for The Hunger Games.

I pre-ordered your book on Amazon when I first saw it was available. But I live in the UK (we have nachos, but also very yummy British food, which you will love!) so I guess I’ll have to wait and see whether your publishers decide to be super duper lovely and allow me to have an awesome bookplate to stick neatly into my copy. P.S Thanks for being you, you’re really rather cool and I like to think if we met in real life (not internet life) we’d be friends.🙂

Maybe I’m just weird, but I read the mug as “I love going up the down escalators” (I dunno, the little guy just looks like he’s headed up to me…and running up the down escalators is fun) before I saw it was supposed to be saying “I love slides.” Anyone else?

So I just pre ordered my book.. this is big shit cause I don’t read. At all if I can help it. I must say I am getting kind of giddy just thinking about reading it! Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us!!

I discovered this morning that we don’t get your book in Canada until April 17th. I experienced much sadness. Mostly due to the fact that I was skimming your entries at 3am and saw images of your book and though MUST BUY TODAY without actually reading the part about March.

Oops.

But I will have it come April! Are you by chance going on a magical book signing tour including Canada? That would, in fact, be magical😛

I think the mug is an optimism test… Victor saw it as going down (okay, well he could be a bit pervy) and I saw it as going up. Which way does your escalator go? It’ll sell like hot cakes. And you already have your second book idea: Self Help by the bloggess–or, how to stop going down.

And seriously. Ferris Mewler is so your cat. 3rd pic on the right says, “I’m The Bloggess’ Cat, bitches. Meow.”

Today my three year old niece pushed a boy on the playground because he took her spot on the slide and I immediately thought of this post. I think I need to get her this for Christmas. Who cares if she is three? She loves slides and she can drink juice out of it.

All in the Family: Courtney LeBlanc's poetry chapbook is an honest and raw look into the dynamics of family relationships, the good, the bad, and the oh-so ugly; it'll make you cringe, cry, laugh, smile, and appreciate the relationships you have with your family.