I am the First Lady of HR with a stellar career.
"People" is my middle name, on Tuesdays.
"Save a dollar, save a dime, spending cash is a corporate crime"

Friday, 21 November 2014

Who's who in the Gloria Blog

Immature Products is the name of the company where the
stories on blog take place. No one (except the author) knows what their product
is, except that it has plenty of bugs which impact their clients’ revenue negatively.
Slimy agents are needed to sell the product in the third world.

The first lady of HR

Gloria Ramsbottom-Lemieux is VP HR of Immature Products. Gloria studied to be
a secretary, then a buyer, and then “naturally,” she moved into the HR space. No one really knew about Gloria until two years ago, yet today it is widely recognized that she is the First Lady of HR. She is also a coach and change manager. She earns $150,000 net, yet "money can almost never buy my loyalty".Gloria admits however that pregnancy interferes with stretch goals and she has busted unionization "in line with my core value of survival".Gloria grew up in Canada, the daughter of the late Pierre Elliot and Constance Ramsbottom. She has two brothers (Frank and Earnest) as well as a sister Claire Ramsbottom de la Montagne. Gloria is the bright bulb.Constance believes that Gloria "works in Manpower down in the States and needs to do something more creative".Gloria speaks English and French; she is acquiring a British accent
to be more posh. Gloria's style is not overly cerebral; she is practical, brief, responsive, and sprinkles her
conversation with French, in line with her core value of "global".Nothing is known of Gloria's intimate life except that she gets one "mental orgasm" from the term "big data", and several from "internetofthings". As of late,
Gloria uses the term “as it were”. Gloria reads text messages only.

Lose morals

Cynthia Axe is the Head of Involuntary Early Bird
Retirement. She has fired 45,000 people in her 5 years at Immature Products.
She has had 15 life partners in the past 3 years. Her father is the Reverend
Oliver Axe. Cynthia speaks English only. One sad fact needs to be added: Ms Axe
has been chosen the least popular staff member for 12 straight quarters. She
presently has a reputation coach. Ms Axe tried to read the Land of Green Plums,
but threw it away after 2 pages.

Soft on my gut

Stan the CEO has no family name. He is white, privileged , travels
business class, has a high level view of the firm, loses his temper, and sleeps
with Ms Axe on very rare occasions. He resents Gloria forcing him to use a
Blackberry, which he calls “a piece of Canadian crap”. Stan sees HR as proof
positive that if you pay someone enough and give them a seat at the table, they
will tow the party line. Stan thinks that Kim Jong Un has a few leadership
traits which need to be emulated. Stan wants HR to ensure everyone is nice.

Wifey is Stan’s brainy wife. She reads management articles
and forwards them to Gloria, demanding action. Wifey believes that these articles
can save Stan, whom she sees as a failure. Wifey’s real name is unknown,
although Selma may be a possibility. Wifey is currently reading The Land of
the Green Plums, and does not understand one word, but has recommended the book to all her cronies.

K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein is Stan’s private chef. He has
mixed ethnicity, French and Hebrew. He cooks “cost effective lasagna” for Stan. However, recently Stan has suffered
from hemorrhoids and Stan has asked for food which is “softer on my gut”. K Ray
has slept with Ms Axe on more than one occasion. K Ray reads La Presse.

Almost semi irrelevant

Hugh White is the Head of Diversity. Like Ms Axe, he reports
into Gloria. Hugh annoys everyone because of his irrelevant comments about diversity. Hugh is
White as a lily and heterosexual. He is married to Comrade Ludmilla White (nee Khrushchev)
and their marriage has “room for improvement”. Hugh gets beaten up from time to
time. Hugh is currently reading The Land
of the Green Plums, and does not understand one word yet believes that books which make no sense have a dimension of diversity.

CCM

R&D chief, Comrade Carl Marks, was born and bred in the
USA. No one knows where Carl got his PhD in Engineering. His parents were
communists and sent him to USSR where he studied for 4 years. Carl speaks
English with a Russian accent, although this is feigned. Carl sprinkles his
speech with Russian swear words, rambles, lacks focus and believes that his new product is a
“pearl”, although sales are weak and customers curse him. Comrade Carl believes
that HR and Sales are the source of all evil. Comrade Carl reads books only about the Battle of Stalingrad.

Juliette Caesar is the Head of Sales. She quit.
She had a stellar record until she came to Immature Products. She even sold
books on secular liberalism in Teheran, Jerusalem and Jeddah.

Old de Villiers is an engineer who hails from Bloemfontein and speaks some English. He sleeps during round tables. He is the cloud computing czar.

This blog is read world wide by 100,000 people yearly. The author claims that the blog is not all
that removed from reality, although this may be a stretch of the imagination.
The author’s grandparents on his mother’s side were British, as it were.