Sometimes I think it would be fun to have a crush, like an adolescent crush.You know, where you like somebody, but you don't want them to know, so you get butterflies every time you see 'em, and you blush if you make eye contact. And you have no hope of actually going on a date, you just live for an accidental meeting, or a party when you can act cool and shrug and say "I guess" if they ask you to dance. And get your friend to ask their friend if they like you, but nothing ever gets resolved, which is just fine, because it's the dream that's fun.

So, although I wouldn't be keen on actually going on a date, sometimes I think it would be fun to have a schoolgirl crush.

I just wish I could meet a real person worth having a crush on. 2-D people, no problem. Lots of crushworthiness there. 3-D characters, well, human actors sorta get in the way of a really good crush on the character itself, but there are still plenty of them who are crushworthy. Real people? Don't make me laugh.

Whenever I fancied girls at school, I felt ALIVE. They all hated me, of course. I had no chance with any of them. And I can't forget that fancying someone and not beiong liked in return causes a very specific kind of heartbreak. But it made me feel ALIVE when she'd walk into the room and I'd feel sick with butterflies. I felt ALIVE when she glanced at me or said a few words to me.

I've not had a real live woman to fancy for a long time now, and I've not felt ALIVE in that way for years. I would guess a proper relationship gives that same "alive" feeling, but with the benefit that they return your feelings and stuff.

I can't say whether or not it would make you feel more alive, but the schoolyard crush is a product of fantasy, and that's I think what makes it fun. Relationships are reality, and the reality is never as good as the schoolyard fantasy. So, you may have felt alive if you acquired a relationship, but it would be a different feeling alltogether.

The best thing about those crushes is that the other person is perfect - the beauty of rose-colored glasses. And in your mind's eye, they're your ideal mate.

There was this one girl I had a crush on in high school. I had these cool ideas about what me and her would do, and I thought if I just got the chance to woo her away, we'd do them. Stuff like just hang out solo (she was one of te popular girls, and I dug chilling solo or low-key). Stuff that was perfect in a fantasy world, but of course wouldn't happen in reality.

We were sorta friends - when you're friendly with someone for a couple years in classes and you're both smart enough to have a conversation, that can happen. I asked her out once (in a very cheesy manner consistent with said fantasies), and she politely declined.

In hindsight, her declining was good. I showed I had the brass to ask someone out, and at the same time I didn't have that fantasy world ruined by reality. I was too weak with dealing with my mental problems back then - I could have been really hurt when it didn't work out, and sunk into a school-killing depression. But that's specific to me and my head.

So, I think I understand. Only, the problem is that as we grow older - or, more accurately, gain more experience - we lose those rose-colored glasses that let us have a foolish schoolyard crush on someone who is real. They have real flaws that you can no longer brush away, real desires and goals that may not fit with yours, and real fucking baggage that you might not be equiped to or desire dealing with.

(I realize this is in no way news to you, but I felt like writing it. Call it a "brain dump".)

Yeah. As an adolescent, you hardly ever KNEW the person you crushed on. It was usually from afar, and they didn't even know your name. So it was easy to build them into the person you wanted them to be. As we get older, we try to align our desires with reality, so as to maximize return and minimize failure. When, sadly, it was more fun to have an unattainable fantasy.

Another thing I thought about. When you had a crush on someone at school, you were scared to ask them out. I think the reason for being scared was because if you asked and they said "No", you weren't really allowed to have a crush on them any more. You're allowed to fancy someone as much as you like when there is no conclusion. But "No" is the conclusion -- it's the moment where you have to give up the crush. If you continue, you go into crazy stalker territory.