IVAN LAJARA: Important Kingston survey not important

"The City of Kingston is looking towards the future," it declares on its Web site, probably because everyone just got a massive pay cut and looking at the present is rather depressing.

The city wants to update its Comprehensive Development Plan, which is only more than half-a-century old, so it obviously doesn't include plans for robots and hover cars.

This is why the city is looking for residents' input and opinions on what the city should be.

In 2025.

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A public meeting you won't attend will be conducted at City Hall on Thursday, Jan. 31, at 6 p.m. Don't forget to remember you don't care to go.

While the plan somehow won't include preparations for the incoming zombie apocalypse and alien invasion, it seeks to review where new homes and business should be built, reinvestment made and other things that sound vague enough so that, in the end, planners probably won't have to do anything at all. They won't be in those positions by 2025 anyway.

"An updated Comprehensive Plan will set forth our community's vision for the future," states the mayor in a Microsoft Word document of the past.

In an opinion survey posted on the city's website, www.kingston-ny.gov, residents are asked to spend 15 minutes to do something we don't have time to review because we need that time to look at pictures of cats online.

This is why, as a community service and/or to waste your time, we are repurposing the questions and answers in the survey to make them easier to understand and/or not.

1. If asked by someone contemplating a move to the City of Kingston, how would you rate the following?

Community appearance/aesthetics:

A. HAHAHAHA!

B. What's an aesthetics?

C. Rated R.

Community atmosphere:

A. Kind of grayish.

B. Too many hipsters.

C. Down the sinkhole.

Emergency services (police, fire, ambulance):

A. Yes, please.

Employment opportunities:

A. Where?

Geographic location:

A. Kingston-like.

B. Newburgh-like.

Housing affordability:

A. Where?

B. Seriously, where?

Crime Rate Safety:

A. Bang!

B. BANG! BANG!

Parks and recreation, Property taxes, Schools:

A. FAIL.

B. FAIL.

C. FAIL.

2. Overall, how would you rate the quality of life in the City of Kingston? Please answer in the form of famous Internet Cats:

A. Keyboard Cat.

B. Grumpy Cat.

C. Angrier looking Colonel Meow.

D. Henri, the depressed cat.

E. Chase No Face.

3. Please let us know how important or unimportant you feel it is to protect the following resources:

* Resource 1.

A. Important.

B. Not important.

*Resource 2.

A. Are you going to tell me what the resources are or what?

B. Not important.

4. Insert question here:

A. WHAT?

B. Yes.

C. Hover cars.

5. How important is it to you that the historical and cultural character of the City of Kingston be maintained?

A. Important

B. -ish.

C. Meh!

D. Very meh!

E. I will submit to our alien overlords.

6. Please indicate whether you agree or disagree that more of the following types of housing are needed in the City of Kingston:

A. Aren't you supposed to list the types of housing before I can answer?

B. No.

C. Magnets. How do they work?

D. This answer options don't make any sense.

E. An African or European swallow?

7. Please indicate whether you agree or disagree that the city needs to provide programs to low- and moderate-income residents for the purpose of rehabilitating their homes:

A. It is very important because I don't want to sound classist and/or racist.

B. NIMBY

C. Can I borrow $500? I'm short for this month's rent.

8. Please rate the health and safety level of your home:

A. The house is not healthy because it's not alive, you moron.

B. As safe as braiding a rabid dog's hair.

C. What house?

9A. Please indicate whether you agree or disagree with the following statement: "I feel comfortable walking in my neighborhood."

A. Nobody talks like that.

B. I feel comfortable sitting on my couch with a comforter.

C. I see dead people.

9B . Please indicate whether you agree or disagree with the following statements:

o I would support moving the police station to Broadway in Midtown and babies are evil.

A. Wait, WHAT?

B. Yes, babies are evil.

C. No/all the above.

o I would support a roundabout at the intersection of I-587 and Broadway and rainbows and ponies.

A. Ponies are evil.

B. Only if the roundabout accommodates hover cars.

C. Double rainbows are so intense.

10. Please rank the following list of services and facilities in order of the most important need for your neighborhood to the least important need:

o Other.

o Number 1.

o Etc.

Thank you. The results will be promptly tallied by 2025 and then thrown away.