My brother, Jordon (SiblingsSurvivors Guest Post)

Dear Raphael, (nickname)
You’re gone. How simple and life destroying that statement is. How utterly unbelievable this really is. I hear you laugh behind my screams of dispare. I hear the witty comebacks and the smartass remarks and see you around every block. Looking and looking. You were my big brother and the only one i had. You make me angry. Even now 3 months later, angry tears fill my eyes and my fists clench. You escaped and fled life. You make me fight that much harder to get through this life and make my way. You couldnt live with out mom. You barely made it through her birthday. Few days later you were gone. Never seeing your face again drives me crazy. I never got to really say good bye. I never really believe i cant talk to you ever again. It kills me we didnt do more, but i look back and realize … we lost ourselves and failed to care for any one but our own broken hearts. You took yourself away from me, you took all that laughter and silly with you and left my life a lot more empty. I hope you see me now, i am trying so hard. I hope you feel my feelings because i can never let this anger go. mom ripped a hole in my life but loosing you right after, the pain became a black hole. And with it all my hope. In some ways i hate you. In many more others i love you and i feel sad for you. I miss you ultimately and formost. Ttyl tata for now.