Hello, Clifford Longley here, and I'm neither reverend nor a doctor, but you can call me either if you like. I'd just like to say how wonderful Quakers are. I really like their name: The Society of Friends. They helped American slaves to escape, and supported the abolition of slavery. They're not pushy about their religion and quietly accept the authority of Christ. In fact I admire them so much, that I'm staying a Roman Catholic. I just wanted to say what nice, wonderful, Christly people they are.

England play Ireland today in Croke Park. This is a spiritual event, because everything is. It's really a cathedral, so the fans will be going to church whether they like it or not. No one's going to mention the fans and players shot dead by British troops in the park in 1920 and everyone will be happy to sing "God Save the Queen". I can assure you that God has forgiven us for the sins that our grandparents commited. I mean it's not like original sin, where we all bear responsibility for illegal fruit eating forever.

Hi everyone. Rev. Dr. Alan Billings here. Rev. Roy Jenkins did a piece the other week about Kelly Taylor and how splendid it would be to go on suffering, but it wasn't very good, so I'm going to do a better one. After all, I'm a Rev. Dr., while he's only a Rev.

It simply isn't true that all Christians take the same view on this, although I'd just like to remind you all about the slippery slopes of abortion, euthanasia, eugenics and all the other evils of secularism. You see, ever since the garden of Eden debacle, we've had our eyes open to good and evil. Before that, we didn't know the difference. Even though we were made in God's image, I suppose he must've left the good and evil bit out.

So you see, Kelly Taylor wasn't asking for anything new after all. I hope that's clear.

I've been to Russia to see Christians there, and I've also been to Egypt, to see Christians there too. Aren't I a widely travelled bloke? The Russians wanted me to kiss the coffin holding the bones of some dead saint. Yuck! And the Egyptians believe they've got bits of the true cross. Yeah - that seems likely - you won't catch me falling for superstitious claptrap like that!

But I do like to remember that bread and wine is used to venerate Jesus. It's as important to me as buying Britney Spears discarded toenails on ebay.

I remember the good old days, when there were just two TV channels and they both shutdown at 6 in the evening so that the toddlers could be put to bed. We don't do that now, because they have TVs in their bedrooms anyway.

Jesus said to protect children from TV, otherwise they'll grow up fat, blind and unruly. They're made in the image of God, which is why they're all completely different. We should drag our kids away from TV and spend time looking after them for Lent.

When John Sentamu (hic!) was jailed by Idi Amin, he nearly died from lack of communion. A Catholic priest gave it to him just in the nick of time. It's against the rules for a Catholic (hic!) to give an Anglican (hic!) communion, but we Christians aren't ones for petty, dogmatic (hic!), ancient rules.

Some Anglican bishops won't take communion from other Anglican bishops because of you-know-what (shhhh...don't mention the gays!), and Catholics and Anglicans (hic!) can love each other just the same way. We might even pray for one another (hic!), one day (hic!).

It's Chinese New Year tonight, so let's talk about death. We don't talk nearly as much about death as we should. So why not snuggle up to your partner this evening over a nice cup of cocoa and ask them how they'd like to be buried. You'll be really glad you did one day.

Hi, Rev. Dr. Alan Billings here. UK children are unhappy and their parents don't let them ride bicycles anymore. Fortunately, lots of people still have their children baptised, which helps a great deal. We have a really big party, invite lots of guests, show off the baby and then leave them in their room with their Playstation until they're grown up. Many of you aren't Reverend Doctors; some of you aren't even ordinary doctors! That's why you need me to tell you that you're supposed to love your children. Jesus will drown you if you don't.

Kelly Taylor wants to end her life quickly, easily and with dignity. Well just who does she think she is? It's not her life, it's God's. Just because she's in constant pain, wracked with sores and unable to do any of the things she'd like to do, she somehow thinks she's got the right to ask for an end to it! It's her duty to go on suffering and act as an inspiration for all the other people blessed with divine given chronic pain. St. Paul said it, God says it, and now I'm saying it, so it must be right.