There’s no way that Lucas Scott is really standing in front of her. She reaches an arm out, and when the tips of her fingers reach his soft clothing, she gasps, taking a step backwards. Oneshot. Slightly AU. LP.

Author's
Note: I wrote this for my friend Hilary a
long time ago. Well, I wrote most of it. I just now finished it and
it's not really that great, but I owe it to her to at least get it
out there. Hilary,
I miss you. And you have to know that's true because I wrote you a
freakin' Leyton for God's sake.

Spoilers:
Season one only. Lucas never came back.

Half
Light

Don't
change your name

Keep
it the same

For
I fear I may lose you again

I
know you won't

It's
just that I

Am
unorganized

And
I want to find you when

Something
good happens

-
AM 180, Grandaddy

She
stares at him for what seems like eternity, feeling inside herself
that her eyes are betraying her; there's no way that Lucas Scott is
really standing in front of her. She reaches an arm out, and when the
tips of her fingers reach his soft clothing, she gasps, taking a step
backwards.

She
hasn't seen him in so long that just the sight of him is
unfamiliar. What's funny is that nothing has changed. She's sure
she has seen this shirt about a million times, and his scuffled,
brown boots don't look at all new.

He
manages a smile, but she can see how nervous he is just by looking at
his eyes.

"What
are you doing here, Lucas?" She manages to squeak out, trying her
best to look fierce and upset. Because honestly, she is feeling both
fierce and upset, and she has been upset for so long, she can hardly
remember thinking of Lucas without mentally cursing his existence.

"I'm
visiting. Keith and I thought it was time."

She
scoffs. "It's been years. You just now
decided it was time to come visit?"

"I
missed my mom," He explains with a smile and a sheepish shrug. "And
uh, I missed you."

"Well,
that's too bad," She weaves her way around him, unlocking her
front door, and fully preparing herself for the loud slam she'll
hear in seconds. "Because I don't miss you."

-

After
much knocking, apologies and pleas sounding from outside the door,
she finally caves, tugging it open, and allowing him inside.

She
promises herself that it's only to shut him up.

He
stares at her unsurely, before finally saying, "I'm sorry I
left."

Peyton
frowns, realizing that boys truly are
stupid, and he has learned absolutely nothing since he's been gone.
"It's not that you left Lucas, it's how
you left."

She
continues, "You went off to be a better person. Why couldn't you
have started here? Why didn't you say good-bye to us in person? You
said bye to Nathan. You said it to Haley. So, what? Brooke and I
didn't deserve it?" She pushes his chest lightly, but with just
enough force that she feels she's getting her point across.

"I
wrote you a letter.." He says weakly.

"Yeah,
we burned it." It's a little harsh, but it's not like he
doesn't deserve it.

Lucas
winces, trying to tear his gaze from hers. He doesn't want to look
her in the eye, but he feels too cowardice not
to. "I guess I deserved that."

"You
deserve a lot worse." Her voice cracks, and she hates herself for
letting him get the best of her. Hates
herself for it. More than she hates him.

They're
silent, and as she contemplates this, he looks her over, looking for
obvious changes. He sees none. Her hair is the same as it was when he
left, only slightly longer, and her eyes are still broken and
green-olive colored, and she's wearing an old Dashboard
Confessional shirt he's sure he's seen a few times himself.

She
herself has noticed changes, but not too many. She gave herself an
outrageous haircut a year or so ago, and since then, she has vowed
never to change herself again. She's loved none since him, and she
intends never to again. She tried to be a lesbian once, but it didn't
work.

"I
saw Nathan and Haley. They're good. Marriage seems to be treating
them well." He chuckles softly, and she supposes it is kind of
funny and slightly ironic, but she doesn't laugh.

Instead,
she says, "I know. I live here. I see them basically every day of
my life."

"Right."

"I -
look, I have things I kind of have to do, so.."

"Yeah,
of course." But he doesn't move.

"Lucas-"

"I'm
leaving, I swear," He tells her. "I just need to - to stay here
for just a second. I just need to see you."

"You're
looking at me right now."

He
blinks, holding back what she thinks to be tears. "I know."

As he
turns the knob on the door, he turns around to look at her over his
shoulder one more time.

"I
really am sorry. For leaving. I didn't.. I don't really know how
to handle things, I guess."

She
crosses her arms over her chest, because as much as she'd like it
to be enough, it's not.

She
doesn't say anything, and he nods, "I'll be seeing you."

And
then he's gone.

-

"You
loved him more than I ever did." Brooke says suddenly a few days
later, as they both lounge in her room and paint their nails. She is
looking down at her toes, but Peyton can see the thoughts running
through her mind.

"I
don't know what you're talking about, Brooke." She says,
because she really doesn't know what else to say.

"Lucas,"
Brooke looks up, pushing her bangs out of her face with her unpainted
fingers. "Lucas."

"Random."

"Not
really. He's here, and he's obviously all we can both think
about."

"I'm
not thinking about him." Peyton lies horribly, and she looks back
down at her half-painted toes.

"Liar."
Their eyes meet and Brooke smiles.

"It's
okay," She says, "if you want to be with him. I'm over it."

Peyton
laughs. It's too complicated for it to be this simple. "Brooke,
that is so not the
point."

"I
know, but I'm just letting you know that if you were
to re-think your relationship with him, I'd be okay with it."

Brooke
hums softly to herself as she paints her nails a soft red color, and
Peyton stares at her. She bites her lip.

"You're
a good friend, B. Davis."

"Oh,
I'm the best."

-

She
glides her marker easily along the pad of paper, pausing to take a
sip of coffee.

When
Peyton hears the sound of glass clinking against the bar in front of
her, she smiles appreciatingly towards Karen.

"How
do you know what I want at every hour? Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and
snacks and you can read my mind." She chuckles.

Karen
shrugs. "Well, you've been coming here daily since you were
seventeen, and you're twenty-one now. I think I've gotten the
hint."

"Has
it really been that long? It doesn't feel like it."

"Well,
according to my calendar.." The older woman smiles brightly.

Peyton
smiles faintly. "I have to get out of this place. Or at least, I
was supposed to."

"Maybe
you've been waiting for something that will inspire you to leave."
They make eye contact, and Peyton realizes that Karen realizes that
despite what she'd initially meant the words to mean, it sounds
like she's pushing Peyton to Lucas.

"I
didn't mean..-"

"I-
he was gone for so long that I don't think I can just.. forget. I
mean, he just left."

Peyton
sighs, mostly because she's not sure how much more she can handle,
but also kind of because she doesn't know what to say. "Oh."

-

"How
did I end up here?" She says to herself, and she truly doesn't
know. Either way, she's staring at the Rivercourt, where she first
realized she had feelings for Lucas, and where she drew that cursed
flaming number three, and where she watched him and Brooke flirt just
years before. And standing in the middle of it all is him.

He
looks surprised to see her, and the basketball he's holding slips
straight out of his hands, bouncing away and then rolling.

"I
didn't think I'd see you again,"

"Well,
here I am."

He
nods, and then pauses. "Why?"

"Because,"
She says. And then, because perhaps that was not sufficient: "I
don't hate you. Not really."