Town Psyched About Celebrity Tree

November 8, 2011

A most exciting thing has happened in Miffinville, Pennsylvania, pop: 2,500. The Daily News has found, because some citizen or elected official could not keep his or her big mouth shut, that a 75-foot-tall spruce tree “now under 24-hour police protection” is the biggest star to come through Miffinville since Bobbie Jean Letrusco starred in the high school adaptation of Our Town, bringing 2,499 people to tears. (Disclaimer: We know of no Bobbie Jean Letrusco from Miffinville, or anywhere. But surely they’ve had a celebrity before, or they wouldn’t have this “leaking secrets” thing down so cold!)

While “sources” told the Daily News the location of the tree, its height, how it is surrounded by guards, and how it is the first from Pennsylvania selected for Rockefeller Center stardom — and also, its picture is now in the paper — they are still not confirming which tree, specifically, will be the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree.

Adorably, when called by the paper, the tree’s owner maintained a CIA-worthy cryptic response, followed by passing the buck to PR (skillful, indeed!):

“I can’t tell you how foggy it is outside,” the owner of the tree said Monday when contacted by The News. All questions were referred to Rockefeller Center publicist Iva Benson.

As for why the 24-hour posted guards, who insist on a “no comment/don’t go near the tree” policy?

“All I can say is that someone has agreed to pay the township to watch the tree around the clock until Thursday,” Richendrfer said. “I’m not going to say who or why.”

R.I.P., Robert Altman: You would have made this into a most excellent film.

Watch for the tree (if it’s the tree!) in Rockefeller Plaza, where it will be unveiled on November 30. We hear it is quite beautiful. Also, Miffinville sounds like a good place.