Wednesday, 30 September 2009

TOP 5 - Films I'm Not Looking Forward To

I love you Jim Carrey, but no one should encourage Robert Zemeckis in his retarded quest to create something in between live-action and animation as the product is usually a big beefy turd like Beowulf or Polar Express. However if you get fairly smashed before hand and see it in 3D at the IMAX you'll most probably be giddy throughout. Oh and no adaptation is as good as A Muppet's Christmas Carol .

4. I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell

Well if the title has you chuckling and if watching a twig fall into a puddle cracks you up then you'll probably be in fits of uncontrollable laughter after that trailer. Although the creative genius behind this film, Tucker Max (a name that sounds like a pre-packaged lunch or a nickname for a child molester) is apparently a well-respected blogger and writer with a good few followers, this Hangover knock-off is so far down my list of things-to-watch that it's nudged My Own Shit Composing off of the bottom.

3. Capitalism: A Love Story

As ever Michael Moore goes about making himself even more hate-able than his subject matter. He successfully made George Bush seem as charming and loveable as Will Smith in relation to himself and now he is going to do the same with capitalism. I don't even have much of a beef with capitalism so Chubby Chubby McFat Fat might have outdone himself with this one.

2. DARE

Despite there being a prospect of intrigue and something slightly barable about the story and writing in the trailer I can't stand 30 year-olds playing 18 year-olds (other than Jonah Hill in Superbad) and there is literally nothing in this film that appeals to me. The lead girl is not only a forgettable face, but seems to have all the charisma of a wet potatoe. The soundtrack sounds shit too.1. LOVE HAPPENS

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What's that I hear you all cry? It's Aaron Eckheart, that lovely Harvey Dent fellow. He was brilliant in Thank You For Smoking what could possibly bring him down? Quite simply... Jennifer Aniston. My colleagues on this site may disagree with my sentiments, but the one trick pony (most often known as "Rachel from friends") is like a sort of black hole or an anchor, one that Brad Pitt had the good sense to shake off years ago. She drags any actor or film with vague potential down into the abyss with her irritating "quirky" mannerisms and limited acting skills. She'll fuck him up worse than The Joker and I defy anyone to pay to see this film.