Leaving the Room

10-09-2009, 11:03 AM

I like to believe my little one doesn't even know I leave the room!

I nap with my DS and also sleep with him at night. I always let him feed to sleep, but at night when he's sounds alseep I leave the room so I can have dinner etc...but always respond to him immediately if he starts waking (i.e. let him relatch and fall back to sleep). I'm finding (after 10 months of this) that I really need to do the same during at least one of his naps per day (he has two) because I just can't stay on top of some very basic things at home if I always nap with him especially re: phone calls that I can't make at night. I don't want to make these phone calls etc...while he is awake because I want to be there for him and not make him feel like I am inattentive. So my question is this: which is actually worse - making the phone calls while he is awake (I don't have anyone else at home to watch him so he would see me ignoring him) or leaving him to nap alone (although I would rush in as I do during the night the minute I heard a peep to relatch him)? Also, is leaving him to nap or sleep the first part of the night alone so bad?

Any thoughts/advice greatly appreciated

Also, another related question - in the morning he usually wakes very early and I let him babble to himself while he looks at a mobile, the shadows, plays with a stuffed animal and rolls around (evern crawling over me) while I try to stay alseep until at least 6:30am. Is this "bad"? That is, am I being inattentive and not responding to his needs by talking back to him and playing with him? Would like to get the AP take on this as well...

Finally, I have read that a lot of moms are able to read while breastfeeding. I can't imagine how this works - especially if you are feeding lying down in a darkened room (which puts me to sleep instantly to say nothing of not being able to see the print on the pages of the book plus the logistics of turning pages....?) Can someone explain this to me?

Thanks in advance for the advice.

Last edited by mummybear; 10-09-2009, 11:24 AM.
Reason: I thought of more related sleep questions

is leaving him to nap or sleep the first part of the night alone so bad?

I don't know why it would be bad? I don't think you always have to be with a child. He is safe and you are still responding to his needs. You are getting your needs met. That sounds like a good balance. What are you concerned about specifically?

in the morning he usually wakes very early and I let him babble to himself while he looks at a mobile, the shadows, plays with a stuffed animal and rolls around (evern crawling over me) while I try to stay alseep until at least 6:30am. Is this "bad"? That is, am I being inattentive and not responding to his needs by talking back to him and playing with him? Would like to get the AP take on this as well...

Again, he seems happy and content. He is safe and you would attend to him if he expressed a need for you. Correct? You are getting your need for more sleep met. Again, it seems like a good balance. Has someone told you they felt you were being neglectful?
Would it help if I told you I have done the same thing!!!

Finally, I have read that a lot of moms are able to read while breastfeeding.

I breastfeed in various situations. My babies have seemed to not be bothered by lights so have simply kept the bedside light on if I was nursing to sleep in the bed. I also nurse to sleep a lot in the computer chair. I read and hunt and peck type and write a lot on this forum while breastfeeding. I know a freind who's daughter hated when she read and would push the book away. Depending on the age and temperment of your nursling and what breastfeeding style you have, there is a lot you can try. I too would fall asleep in a dark room. Maybe a book light?

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there is nothing wrong w/ doing other things while you're with your child. it's ok to not give them 100% of your attention all the time. in fact, i'm not even sure how you'd attain that kind of a standard. children learn that life is not all about them, it's a beautiful dance of moving thru life together, not dancing around them.

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I agree. I think that your child seeing you make phone calls and doing other things that must be done in the day shows him what life is all about. Children learn by seeing us doing things. They learn to clean by seeing us clean, they learn to cook by seeing us cook, they learn to converse with others by seeing us do the same. They should have the opportunity to see us do the daily things we have to do to run a home and a life. And I also agree that they need to see that they are not the centre of the world and that they need to learn to occupy themselves sometimes.

there is nothing wrong w/ doing other things while you're with your child. it's ok to not give them 100% of your attention all the time. in fact, i'm not even sure how you'd attain that kind of a standard. children learn that life is not all about them, it's a beautiful dance of moving thru life together, not dancing around them.

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I shouls add that my two girls still sleep with me and they are 5 and nearly 7. I am a single mom and I homeschool them so they see me make phone calls, take time out to get some work done, do loads of housework (although it never seems to get done LOL), and I still spend loads of time with them. I think they get to see a balance in life.

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Thanks everyone so much for all your comments and reassurance. I had no real parenting plan before I had my DS and just fell in AP naturally (and learned it had a name afterwards!). No one has told me I am being neglectful - it's just my own concern that he will feel like he is not as important at night as is he during the day (something I think I read in a Sears book). I've been concerned that he needs almost 100% of my attention in the first year (he's nearly 10 months now) before he can understand that the world doesn't revolve around him but perhaps I have been taking that idea to the extreme. I feel terribly guilty every time I have to make a phone call or write an email on the computer because I feel like it is sending him the message those things are more important than he is but, it's true, they learn by example, and just as I don't feel guilty about letting him see me do housework and cook (because those are things I want him to see are part of life) he should/can learn that there are many aspects to life, including the computer and the phone.

I have another question but not sure if it should be in a different thread...I have carried him so much (in a sling and similar carriers) that he now refuses to go in a stroller. He acts as if I am putting him in a prison everytime I try and of course I do not force him. He is getting very heavy (over 20 pounds) and it would be really nice for me to sometimes be able to push him instead of carry him! Any ideas on how to get him in it or should I just wait until he is a bit older and can understand me when I say "this will help mommy so her back doesn't hurt"??? I also don't like the arrangement of the stroller (us facing away from each other) and really like the sling/carriers where we are more face to face and able to check in with each other and I think it is the same for him (that he is not ready to face the world alone) but perhaps I am reading too much into it....?

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I feel terribly guilty every time I have to make a phone call or write an email on the computer because I feel like it is sending him the message those things are more important than he is

You are doing fine! If he was crying in pain or wailing in fear and you continued your phonecall...then that might be more neglectful! Some struggle or frustration in childhood play can lead to creative problem solving and some children honestly prefer to work on problems themselves.
He sounds like a kid that CAN play by himself and can find interest in things without your direct constant interaction. I think unguided play and exploration can be very good for a child. Keeping him safe and being available IF he needs you is fine. You should be able to do things for yourself. Doing these things does not mean he will think "that is more important then me" he might think "that is very interesting, I have never heard Mommy talk like that before" or "fascinating, what are those things that Mommy is taking out of the closet" Even the most mundane thing for you can be enriching (or totally not worth taking him away from his blocks!) to a young child.

I have carried him so much (in a sling and similar carriers) that he now refuses to go in a stroller.

….have you switched to an Ergo or Becco or other soft structured carrier for wearing on your back. That was a lifesaver for me!
My second born was carried a lot also and after he learned to walk would refuse to be constrained in a carrier, stroller or a shopping cart. He just wanted to RUN, Run, RUN! Every now and then he will enjoy a stroller ride because he thinks it is fun, like an amusement park. A lot of your son’s reaction may be due to his personality and his developmental stage. I find that my son was less resistant of the stroller when we were somewhere with a lot to look at…lots of people, bikes, kids etc. You may also find that playing with it at home will help him get used to the idea. Give him a little ride in the back yard. Climb around in it and play peek a boo…etc.

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Thank you Naomi, your comments are so helpful. He can play by himself but only for short periods and prefers to play with me or see what I am doing (especially in the kitchen) or have me hold him in a standing position so he can "walk" - his favorite way of getting around - and a backbreaker for me! Yes I also use the Ergo and love it, but even still, carrying him most of the time is exhausting and in the long run can not be good for my back and knees (which are weak points on my body). But, to be honest, I feel bad putting him in the stroller, too - I love the closeness the sling and Ergo provide and I feel so disconnected from him when he is in the stroller (the few times he has let me - all months ago!). And yes, I give his teddy bear rides in the stroller in the living room to show him how fun it is and he is amused up until the point when I try to put him in. I will try out your idea of waiting until we are out and in an interesting place before putting him in - good idea.