An old soul with a new beginning.. Living life.. One moment into the next!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Where did it go wrong...

Up until the moment I walked into the room monday morning, everything was so beautiful and right...

On our way to missouri, chris surprised me with a wonderful easter card...by reading it and what he wrote, i was clueless he was about to leave me...

"As long as I live, Ill always be there to do anything for you, or go anywhere.As long as forever, my love will be true-And as long s I live, Ill love only you!Happy Easter

(May god shine upon you baby with many blessings this easter holiday. I love you so much and i am totally glad I am spending this blessed holiday with my true soulmate! Thats love lovi and thats you sweetheart.True passion comes from within, that is how a man or woman is defined!Always k? Christy)"

What did i do so wrong in missouri? What stole away this happiness i once gave him?

I remember we were at "the castle" and i walked off with my son. A few minutes later Chris came looking for me, I said "Id hoped you'd come" he replied "Ill always come looking for you" Thats when i told him "Thats one of the things i love so much about you baby" and i stopped to put my arms around him and kiss him =)

I feel that I loved him as much as i possibly could. I feel that i took every moment and cherished it... I have so many beautiful memories that he and i made together... so many precious words we have spoken to one another... so much life created when we were together...

I would do it all over again, but i would change a few things...

I would have been stronger and asked him to wait until the divorce was final.I would have gotten emotional medical help and started my recovery a long time ago had i known he wouldnt lose respect for me being on medication. I thought he would see me as a weak person and i didnt want to lose him. Instead, not seeking help pushed him away =I would have quit that stupid life sucking game the minute he walked in the door, and held his hand every minute he was in my presence...I would have went for long walks, taken him out to spend time with my family (even if they embarrased me at times, but hey thats family)

I would have turned on every song we ever shared and danced in his arms every single night before bed...

I would have watched alias with him and learned how to rollerblade just so he could help me up when i fall..hehe

I would have sat and cuddled with him rubbing his hair while he watched star trek...

Id have secretly learned to play chess...just so i could surprise him when he asked me to play...

I would have stayed up as long as i had to that night i put in pigtails for him, just so we could play around like the tards we were...

Id have bought a watch and set it to 422 just so i could pounce on him for our kisses AS soon as 423 hit... nothing should have been more important

and i see this all too late.

I promised to love him like he has never been loved before, and i failed.

I would have sang to him the song i promised to sing to him on our wedding day "From this moment on"

I would have married this man blindly at the altar... and through everything, I honestly still would. I dont care what the world thinks, I know that those that care about us, hope to see us back together once again... being "That couple" yeah... That Couple!