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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Quitting, then not Quitting

Feeling very light today!

I stayed up until 3:00 a.m last night talking to Clint over the phone (he was at work), and as a result wound up calling in for a sub early this morning. I always feel guilty calling in for a sub (especially when I'm not sick), but last night's conversation made it so worth it. Clint had been very dark and moody all day yesterday over something really trivial, and I was very frustrated with him. I had just come home from a long day of work, ready to enjoy the rest of my evening with my family, and instead I was accosted by his negative, broody attitude over something that had nothing to do with me. But once we hashed it out over the phone, I completely understood where he was coming from. In fact, I really wanted to just hug him when he explained why he was feeling so upset. Next time, I need to try to be more patient with Clint when he is going off the deep-end over something seemingly small, because chances are his uncharacteristically jerky attitude is just his tough-guy attempt to cover up vulnerable feelings. He puts up with all of my hormonal mood swings...he should be allowed to have his moments once in awhile, too.

Today we slept in until 10:00ish and then finished Christmas shopping for the kids. Afterwards, we went to La Casita for lunch. It was such a pleasant lunch--the kids were still in school, so we had the whole table to ourselves and just talked for over an hour uninterrupted.

Last night I officially decided to quit kickboxing. But then today I changed my mind. Yeah, I can't keep up either. =) I have been playing with the idea of quitting for quite some time now. The reason is simple: because I suck at it and do not seem to be improving. What actually finalized my decision ( or so I thought) was seeing Sensei Brandon fight last Friday. It just brought to the surface once again how much of a professional he is in this arena. I can't seem to get past the feeling that people like me are just a waste of his talents.

So I told Clint last night that I was going to finish off the rest of this week, and then let Brandon know that I was dropping out of the class. I was feeling pretty depressed about this decision though, because I have made some good friends at the dojo, plus I actually really love the work-out portion of the class. In fact, I was going to look through VVC's catalogue to see if they were offering any kind of high impact aerobics class to replace the workout that I would be losing by quitting kickboxing. But regardless, the whole thing had me feeling heavy-hearted.

Today, however, during lunch, Clint and I came up with a plan to help me stay in kickboxing. He is at a much higher skill level than me, so he generally partners with guys who are around the same belt as he is (which makes complete sense, because you don't want to have a partner who slows you down). But he really doesn't want me to quit kickboxing, so he said that from now on, every Tuesday and Thursday, he will be my partner. On Mondays and Wednesdays, he'll continue working with someone at his own level. This way he can help me master some of the techniques two days a week, but still get in the practice he needs the other two days.

I guess it sounds strange, but even though Clint and I are in the same class, we usually have very little to do with each other. He does his thing with his buddies and I do mine. Tonight will be my first night partnering with Clint, so it should be interesting. I don't know if this is going to be the miracle cure I need, but I'm really happy that we are at least trying one more option before I quit. I'm hoping that working with Clint will help me to become more skilled, ultimately building up my confidence and compelling me to stay in the class. I guess only time will tell, but it's worth a shot.

5 comments:

I admire your willingness to give it another shot. I wouldn't have been willing to give it the first shot. Not only am I way over weight, but I have terrible social anxiety. I could take a lesson from your willingness to take part in something you're not completely comfortable with.

I am so impressed you continue to participate in something so....active. The most exercise I got this week was when I jumped off the couch and ran across the living room to grab Shelby, who had climbed in the playpen, and was ripping open a present.

That must be very frustrating Kristyn to have such awful social anxiety. On the plus side, at least we live in a day and age where you can get a LOT accomplished without ever stepping out of your home.

To Krystin with the terrible social anxiety. I had really bad social anxiety too and can really relate to your post. I just wanted to mention that I was helped a lot with my anxiety by by going to Social Anxiety Anonymous support groups, they are free and you can find them at www.healsocialanxiety.com and also www.spalibrary.info