Anyone who tells you the appeal of moviegoing isn't at
least partially voyeuristic is a goddamned liar and should be punched in the
face repeatedly. We go to the movies in no small part to watch uncommonly
beautiful people woo, romance, or reject other preternaturally fetching
creatures in photogenic settings. As a young boy, I embraced movies as a
socially acceptable way of looking at boobs. The fact that films were capable
of art and truth was a neat bonus.

It's been that way from the very beginning. In a famous,
perhaps apocryphal story, early moviegoers were so terrified by the image of a
train barreling toward them in the notorious early short, "Oh My God, There Is
a Real Train Barreling Toward You, You Are So Going to Die, Flee, Flee In
Horror Unless You Want To End Up Flat As a Pancake, Your Internal Organs
Splattered Against The Walls Of This Theater!", that they all began
masturbating feverishly.

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Later, movie studios realized that showing sexy women and
men in erotically charged situations was nearly as arousing to filmgoers as the
prospect of imminent death. The scandalously erotic possibilities of film
terrified The Man, so he sent a joyless scold named Will Hays to keep movies
from devolving, or rather evolving, into a sticky, sweaty mass of writhing
bodies pummeling every orifice in an omnisexual fuckfest of epic dimensions. In
keeping with our nation's history of hypocritical puritanism, the Hays Code
dictated that kisses couldn't last longer than a fraction of a millisecond,
jaywalking must be punished with the death penalty, and that single people
shown hugging, cuddling, or hand-holding must immediately be run over by an
out-of-control train.

But The Man couldn't control our daydreams, so filmgoers
continued to fantasize in the dark. Moviegoing is simultaneously a communal and
anonymous endeavor. Lusting after the same handful of beauties binds filmgoers
together. Drooling over Marilyn Monroe united fathers and sons, beatniks and
squares, Americans and people who wish they were American on account of America
being so awesome. USA! USA! USA! (Sorry 'bout getting jingoistic there. A
little-known provision of the Patriot Act dictates that the phrase "USA! USA!
USA!" must appear at least twice in all ongoing online columns lasting more
than 120 entries.)

†The language
we use to talk about these figures of mass lust says a lot about the safe
voyeurism of moviegoing. The term "America's Sweetheart," for example, conveys
our shared appreciation for women so irresistible, so delightful, so
incontrovertibly sweet and wonderful and wholesome that a cultural consensus
has been reached that they embody everything that is good and true and American
about womanhood. Who doesn't love Audrey Hepburn, for example? Only a goddamned
Nazi, that's who. And Nazis have no business pining for our Audrey.

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Sex symbols, in sharp contrast, need only ignite the
universal libido. America's Sweethearts are metaphorical virgins no matter how
often they get married; sex symbols are voracious whores.

An amusing subsection of the sex-symbol genus is what is
quaintly known as "The thinking man's sex symbol." That concept flatters
cinephiles' innate sense of superiority. It implies that even their libidos are
discerning and educated. Let the ignorant rabble have their saline-inflated
Pamela Andersons and Jessica Simpsons. These sophisticated souls prefer the
rarified likes of Maggie Gyllenhaal or Tina Fey. Hey, you know who else finds
Fey and Gyllenhaal delightful? Everyone. Digging them doesn't make you a class
act. It makes you human. You may have five post-graduate degrees, but to
paraphrase Woody Allen, the penis wants what it wants.

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Critics
consequently walk a fine line between acknowledging the innate voyeurism of
moviegoing and coming across as trenchcoat-sporting super-pervs. Pauline Kael
playfully acknowledged the voyeurism of cinephilia by giving her books
suggestive titles like I Lost It At The Movies, Taking It All In, †Kiss Kiss
Bang Bang, Going Steady, Deeper Into Movies, When The Lights Go Down,and the notorious
Handjob By The Popcorn Stand. Other
critics let their prose drool for them. Reading Nicole Kidman, David Thomson's heavy-breathing "appreciation" of the
Australian ice queen, I didn't know whether Kidman should send Thomson a thank-you
letter, or take out a restraining order against him. Similarly, Jeanine Basinger
spends so much time panting over Tyrone Power in The Star Machine that I feared that she'd dig up Power's skeleton, dress him
up in fancy clothes, and gush, "My goodness, Tyrone, you're even more
divine-looking as a rotting bag of bones! Why, if I were 20 years younger and
you hadn't died 50 years ago, I don't know what might have happened!"

On a more personal note, when the good people over at AMC tested
my poorly rated, mildly disreputable basic-cable movie-review panel show Movie
Club With John Ridley with focus groups,
some of the folks in Atlanta took exception
to one of our panelists' leering, lascivious comments about Jude Law. Of
course, the fact that the reviewer in question was an incredibly effeminate
black homosexual might have played a minor role in the focus group's sniggering
disapproval.

What does any of this have to do with today's entry in My
Year Of Flops, 1991's The Rocketeer?
Well, I always have wanted to write the world's longest, perviest, most
needlessly digressive introduction to an essay about a PG-rated family film.
Mission accomplished, just like our glorious commander-in-chief †said when he single-handedly won the
Iraq War. USA! USA! USA!

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More to the point, The Rocketeer features perhaps the most divine creature in the history of
film: a 20-year-old Jennifer Connelly. Watching Connelly in Rocketeer, I was reminded of Brian Posehn's bit about how Kate
Beckinsale possesses the kind of jaw-dropping beauty that makes him angry,
since he could never hope to possess it, such that he felt like he was going to
Hulk out and run amok due to sexual frustration.

In Rocketeer,Connelly plays a character originally modeled, in the late
Dave Stevens' comic book upon which the movie is based, after Bettie Page, a
woman whose strange, sordid career was predicated on being an impossible object
of desire, a beautiful blank upon whom perverts could project their twisted fantasies.
In the comics, the love interest is even named Betty, though the film changed
the character's name (to Jenny Blake) and profession (from nude model to
actress). Page lived to be seen, worshipped, adored. Connelly plays an
idealized version of Page, the one Bettie Page wanted to be: an actress, a good
girl, not the kind of virgin-whore who retains an air of innocence even while
getting paddled by a mistress in bondage gear. Here, Connelly receives an
appropriately iconic, leering introduction:

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In The Hot Spot and
Career Opportunities,Connelly radiated the incandescent sexuality of a sex
symbol. In The Rocketeer,she's the quintessential America's Sweetheart. Since Requiem
For A Dream, she's become a frighteningly
skinny doe-eyed waif who suffers disproportionately for humanity's sins in an
endless series of downers, earning her ambiguous status as a thinking man's sex
symbol. She's all things to all people.

Connelly isn't the only breathtaking aspect of The
Rocketeer. It's a film of staggering
glamour and beauty, an all-American tribute to the dangerous, exciting world of
pulpy serials and escapist cinema. Alas, it had the misfortune of opening two
weeks before Terminator 2,so it could have boasted the most beautiful woman in
existence and a cameo from J.D.
Salinger and a resurrected Jesus Christ,
and it still would have bombed at the box office. Given a choice between Arnold
Schwarzenegger in a Terminator movie
and some guy named Billy Campbell in something called The Rocketeer, moviegoers throughout the world went with the safe bet.

A film series was snuffed in its infancy, leaving behind a
legacy of unsold Rocketeer action
figures, cookie jars, lunchboxes, models, pins, cards, and videogames. Campbell
and Connelly both signed on for sequels that were never made. Even the biggest
TV-ad push in Disney history at the time, bigger even than Dick Tracy's, couldn't drive audiences to the film. In spite of okay
reviews and okay box-office, the film was a brutal disappointment to Disney.

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Today, The Rocketeer stands
as both a fascinating precursor to the film adaptation of Iron Man—though Iron Man
made its comics debut decades before Stevens introduced The Rocketeer in a Starslayer comic in 1982 —and as an antidote to the current
spate of revisionist superhero efforts. We've been inundated with so many
cinematic superheroes in desperate need of therapy and mood stabilizers as of
late that it's refreshing to see a superhero whose biggest psychological
weakness involves neglecting his bestest gal in favor of flying.

[pagebreak]

As played by pretty boy Billy Campbell (Christ, even his
name is disgustingly all-American), The Rocketeer is a man devoid of
existential angst and neurosis. He's a real live nephew of his Uncle Sam, born
on the fourth of July. All he wants to do is fly. He's less a flesh-and-blood
human being with doubts and anxiety and angst than a comic-book Hero. We are
dealing with archetypes here, big, bold stereotypes lustily embodied by the
dependable likes of Alan Arkin (as the Crusty Father Figure) and Paul Sorvino
(as the sausage-fingered Mobster).

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The Rocketeer is
proudly, defiantly old-fashioned. Like his mentors Steven Spielberg and George
Lucas, director Joe Johnston injects the pulp ephemera of yesteryear with
newfangled technological sophistication. It's not at all coincidental that
before he graduated to directing, Johnston picked up an Oscar for the special
effects in Raiders Of The Lost Ark.
Period films tend to age gracefully, but The Rocketeer, like the Indiana Jones series,feels like it could have been made in 1940 or yesterday: It's
fucking timeless.

Johnston; screenwriters Danny Bilson, Paul De Meo, and
William Dear; and cinematographer Hiro Narita give the film an epic scope and
comic-book sensibility. The dialogue in an early sequence where mobsters are
pursued by G-men is so pulpy and larger-than-life that I half-expected the
camera to pull back to reveal the entire scenario as a movie shoot. The
Rocketeer is very much a movie-movie. It's
telling that many of the film's central characters are actors and filmmakers,
including Connelly's radiant starlet, heavy Timothy Dalton as a
mustache-twirling bad guy modeled on Errol Flynn, and a dashing and
authoritative Terry O'Quinn as filmmaker/aviator Howard Hughes.

The Rocketeer's
plot concerns a glistening, alluringly mammary-like rocket-pack developed by
Howard Hughes; it falls into the hands of mobsters, then gets discovered by
hotshot flyboy Campbell and mentor Arkin. Campbell is immediately fascinated.
What red-blooded American boy wouldn't want a jetpack of his own? When I was a
child, we were all promised personal jetpacks by the year 2000. That was the
promise of the future, not that bullshit about computers changing everyone's
lives. The Rocketeer taps into four
fantasies shared by every strapping heterosexual lad throughout our great land:
flying, being a superhero, battling Nazis, and having sex with Bettie Page.

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Campbell uses the jetpack to become costumed adventurer The
Rocketeer. Of course, by superhero standards, The Rocketeer is kinda lame. He
doesn't shoot fireballs or have X-ray vision or superpowers or titanium skin.
He's just a handsome guy with a rocket pack. But rocket packs are so inherently
awesome that they make other superpowers unnecessary. Like the simpatico Superman,
The Rocketeer beautifully exploits
mankind's eternal longing to fly. There's a reason people dream about flying
and not filing their taxes.

Bilson and De Meo envisioned Kevin Costner or Matthew Modine
as the film's lead during the writing process, while the studio's first choice
was 21 Jump Street heartthrob Johnny
Depp. But Johnston held out for Campbell, who suffers from a serious charisma
shortage as the film's airborne do-gooder: He's little more than a
floppy-haired pretty boy. Dalton, however, is tremendous fun as an evil Flynn parody,
imbuing the role with all the scenery-chewing lustiness and brash charisma
inexplicably missing from his portrayal of James Bond. Dalton is ever so much
more compelling as a villain than a hero.

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When Dalton conveniently learns that Campbell has stumbled
upon the fantastical rocket pack, he decides to romance, then kidnap Connelly
so he can hunt down the rocket pack and hand it over to his Nazi bosses, who
can then create a super-army of indestructible flying rocket-men. Yes,
Virginia, there are worse sins than statutory rape, binge drinking, and
shameless womanizing.

The Rocketeer takes
place in an alternate-universe 1938 Hollywood where Bettie Page is a doe-eyed
extra, Errol Flynn is a Nazi secret agent, Howard Hughes is a dashing good
Samaritan who happily sacrifices lucrative government contracts for the sake of
the public good, and a rocket pack has the potential to shift the balance of
power between the good guys and Nazi bogeyman. In that respect, it's like James
Ellroy by way of Richard Donner's Superman. In reality, Hughes was less Mr. Smith than Mr. Burns. But
in The Rocketeer's flag-waving comic-book
world, even mobsters and penny-pinching war profiteers are patriotic above all
else.

With its lusty recreation of pre-war Hollywood and raging
patriotism, The Rocketeer threatens to
give gee-whiz cornball Americana a good name. It's concerned less with characterization
and plot than with delivering a sumptuous feast for the senses. Johnston and
company appeal directly to everyone's inner child. Though I have a famously
contentious relationship with my inner child, I was won over by the purity of
its vision of a Sunday-matinee universe with no need for irony or cynicism.

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Watching The Rocketeer it's easy to see why Disney thought it had the next Indiana
Jones on its hands. In retrospect, it was probably a mistake to cast an unknown
in the lead role. Jon Favreau could take a chance and hire someone like Robert
Downey Jr.—a great actor but nobody's idea of a top box-office
attraction—as the lead in a gazillion-dollar tentpole blockbuster because
everyone knows Iron Man and likes Robert Downey Jr. But asking audiences to
shell out their hard-earned cash to see an unknown actor play an obscure
superhero was a huge commercial risk that didn't pay off.

The Rocketeer soars
as pure visual spectacle. Every element feels perfectly in place. The dialogue
is slangy and fun. The setpieces are constant and astonishing, from the
swashbuckling epic where Connelly and Dalton meet to a spectacular climax
aboard an exploding Nazi zeppelin to the many flying sequences. The supporting
parts are uniformly executed with panache and vim, not to mention vigor. Bit
players like a hulking mob flunky who looks like Boris Karloff after taking a
few too many frying pans to the face illustrate the truth of Konstantin
Stanislavski's famous line about there being no small parts, just shitty parts
played by horrible fucking actors who waste everyone's time with their terrible
performances. All this, plus the most beautiful woman in human history at the
height of her nubile beauty. As a great man once said, USA! USA! USA!

Well, friends,
that's about it for the first installment of superhero month here at My Year of
Flops Incorporated. What should my second entry be? The Shadow? The Phantom? Superman IV: The Quest For Peace? My only requirement for a follow-up is that it needs to be an
American superhero joint, on account of our country kicking so much ass, then
taking so many names.