Get your kitchen so clean, it will be scrubbed from history

October 19, 2009

Tina the Lesbian heard the doorbell ring and saw Sean and Lucia Wheatley waiting for her. Usually she tries pretending she’s not home, sometimes they go away, sometimes they don’t. But this time Tina opened the door because she saw Lucia standing on her porch with a mop in her hand.

“Is this a socialist mop?” Lucia Wheatley says as soon as she saw Tina.

*blink* *blink*

“What?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Is this a socialist mop?” says Lucia Wheatley. “Have I been cleaning my kitchen with a socialist mop?”

“Why do you think you have a socialist mop?” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Because we saw a speech by Barack Obama and he mentioned something about a socialist mop,” says Sean Wheatley. “We didn’t know there were socialist mops.”

“There are no socialist mops, it was a joke,” says Tina the Lesbian, feeling that familiar headache that creeps in every time she has to deal with a Wheatley freak-out. “He was making fun of the people who keep saying every thing he does is socialism.”

“No one jokes about socialist mops,” says Lucia. “Not in this age of deadly pandemics”

“Cleanliness is all that stands between us and a horrible swine flu-related death,” says Sean.

“There’s the swine flu vaccine,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“No thank you,” says Lucia. “That’s how the government’s going to get the deadly nano-machines into our bodies that will lay dormant until they receive a secret signal to detonate by the United Nations.”

That’s a new delusion to Tina, so she steers the conversation back to mops. “Look, if I give you my mop, will you go home?”

“Yeah, then our kitchen would become gay,” says Lucia. “And then everything we cook would be a gay meal. And then it’s only a matter of time until those gay meals turn us gay. Then we can’t be married anymore.”

“So just imagine what a socialist mop will do to our kitchen and to our meals and to us!” says Sean. “Seriously imagine for us, because we’re so afraid we can’t even conceive the horrors that await us.”

“There are no gay mops, and there are no socialist mops,” says Tina the Lesbian.

“Oh yeah?” says Lucia, holding the mop up for Tina to see. “Then why does it say made in China?”

“Red China and mops,” says Sean. “The connections are there. You just have to know where to look.”

“So do you know where we can find a good God-fearing red-blooded capitalist freedom mop?” says Lucia.

“No, but I know someone who might,” says Tina.

And so Tina sent the Wheatleys to my place to ask about freedom mops. I offered them my mop but apparently mine is an atheist mop that would clean away their belief in God. That’s when I set their mop on fire and screamed unintelligibly at them like a wild animal until they ran crying from my sight. I can’t decide whether too many or too few of my encounters with the human race end this way.