Asperger Syndrome? My Childhood with it.

This is a very un even part of my childhood that I am willing to share with you. Such references refer to me being very unstable in the head and mentally confused. You may find some of my thoughts disturbing but that’s the way I am.

Jack here,
I sit here at 50 minuets to one o clock in the morning
Groaning about my experience of some trends of a disability called Asperger Syndrome. I’ve always been a quiet chap – Very observant, not much social activity if at all, I lack some of the basic skills in life to survive in the Social world.

< Mod edit Hazel: Explicit >

The deep voice of the Father said "He needs Psycriatric help" - Thanks a bunch.

I have a very difficult life for a 16 Year old, Always been bullied always been picked last for games, I remember wanting to be on the ‘Good side’ for football and rounders at School, I stood in line away from the others, Standing on a White marked out line wishing to be picked for the good team, Heart beating as fast as it can then boom I am the last left, Its uneven sides the ‘Bad team’ have 10 players the good 8 players, and what do they do about it? The good team squabble about and say Jack your on the ‘Bad team’.

I’ve always had it up to my head with the Bullies I can’t seem to get away from them their always their, watching me, waiting when to strike, In my playgroup up by the Church they were re tarmac - ing the playground a memory I’ll probably remember for the hole of my life I stand their stood up at the window watching the workmen work, I wanted to get out and see what they were doing but the Helping Authority said “No!” I hated it! I wanted to get out! NOW! So what did I do? I stood up at the window and waited for my Mum to come and get me She was the comfort of my life I could always tell her things I could never tell anyone else My Dad was always at work I was scared of him, Every time he told me off I would cry he shouted at me all the time – Maybe he were upset with my disability? , Maybe he was scared of me? Never the less he has always hated me.

Back to My memory of my first school Patcham Infant school, there it was and still is nothing has ever changed still the old spot where I got bullied say in day out picture it this way … I were walking along the Path Break had just started so I went to my usually area the Quiet area were I always went to try and see who would be my friend today? – No one of course its still the same today on my way their I bump into a load of ‘friends’ (bullies really) they made me do all sorts of stuff they were the same age as me only I was bigger – Always been a big lad me, Kept myself to myself and hoped to get on. Here it goes the start calling me names some of which I don’t like so I am in the middle of a circle of about 7 other boy’s all alone I look over to the assault course I see children playing here my vision then scanned over to the gate – The only way out.

I wanted Mum and I wanted Mum like I had never before but she was no were to be seen I panicked I grabbed the first boy by his shirt and pulled him to the floor then the second and then the third I had pulled three boys to the floor but I suddenly here this “STOP!” It was the Head mistress she sent me to the Naughty carpet were I spend a lot of time their it was always the way, I guess the teachers didn’t want to help me I guess they hated me and saw me for dirt. It’s a wonder that they always seemed nice to my Mum. Mum was always a kind person to me but it just makes me realise that she left me to rot in that playground full of Children with a mission. To make me break. That day I lied in my bed Sobbing. I remember when I got very angry with a Bully so angry I got him on the ground and kicked his head three times. All I got for that was a good Punishing and a probable letter home. Once I was tricked into owning up to something I didn’t do a boy called Max said that his coat got flushed down the toilet. The next thing I know there was a boy looking over at me signalling with his mouth as if to mime “Did you do it?” I confusedly replied with a Nod of acknowledgement. From then on it was all about to go downhill my Mum had to pay for this boy’s new coat the thing is that I didn’t even do it! That was confusion on a massive scale.

Another experience of loneliness in my world was in Year 10, it were break time I had long hair, I used to sit in the library reading Atlas’s and other books a shame there weren’t any timetables. Anyway the Library was closed so I thought to myself where shall I go? I decided that I would go out in the cold. Mind you the teachers wouldn’t let me stay up by the Area by the library at Break times. It happened when a group of Year 9 peers came up to me (English’ly described as Chav’s) they asked me for the time I reluctantly replied “I don’t have a watch.” One of the Group chucked a drink over me they claimed it were an accident I wasn’t going to react to that as they would want that and that would be a breach of my Ability to communicate with others in a violent way. The group finally left me with a few nasty remarks one that stuck was “Billy No Mates!” that was try I had to say. The situation with me was that I knew people well but they didn’t know me. So they didn’t include me with them they just let me get Slaughtered mind you I wouldn’t have wanted them to see that as I would have been embarrassed. Their was a strong watch club on my Tail – Everyone knew me so I guess word would get around quick if they knew I let myself get bullied by other Peers from different Year group’s.

Here I sit at 1:18 in the morning feeling Traumatised and upset. Finishing this off at 16 years of age. I still have no real friends; I want to be a Soldier and a Bus Driver. Wanting to see places such as Iraq and Afghanistan in General. The only friends I have are the ones in College or the ONE in College he goes by the name of Mark. A hell of a nice guy but he does most of the talking as Standard with my social relationships. I have double lessons in the College I attend, the best part in Business is when there is the 10 Min break that means I can watch the buses from outside one thing you would commonly find me doing on a nice day.

I like the way I am but I think it’s time for a change – Everyday I like watching people do their different things I plan almost every single move. That’s just the way I am.

Here I am at 1:50 AM – mentally unstable still in my parents house the ones that let me rot in those Nasty playgrounds. Mum says she could always see me suffering when ever we talk about it. Yea Right. You never could understand me could you mother. May God help you.

As for you Father you mean nothing to me at all. After all i wouldn't Understand would i? I've taken up alot of grudges in the time, You never know i might just end up forfilling all of those at one point in Life. You see i like rules , i like being clean , i like living the way i do. Watching every car that whizzes by. Thinking that that car might stop at the end of the road. And god only knows what may happen next? You tell me reader.

Jack, thank you very much for telling us your story, I found it very moving and it gives me an insight into what living with Asperger Syndrome is like.
You are very welcome here at Sf and I hope that you will continue to post and that you will find what you are looking for here.
We are a friendly group of people, young and old, oh and not so old, all with our own problems who help each other out as best we can.