Monday, October 29, 2012

“Hey, do you wanna go behind the bleachers at the high
school and eat some crunchy candy corn?”

If a drug dealer were to say this you, you’d probably think
Walter White had broke further bad and figured some way to make some sort of
orange meth. But when a candy company exec proclaims it, it can only mean one
thing—White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms.

While “crunchy candy corn” is one way to describe this candy
frankenfood, there’s another descriptor that’s even better—“Weird. Weirdly
good.”

This might seem like the fondest of praise, but for
something that has so much working against its concept, it’s holding the candy
in high regard.

The initial bite is weird. There’s no other way to describe
it. I approached it wondering which flavor would overpower the other. It
shocked me to find out that neither flavors did, they just existed in a
neutrally chocolaty candy corny coexistence. When combined with the crunch of
the candy corn shell, it made for a wholly unique (and weird) taste sensation.

That was my thought on the first bite. I have since gone
through three more bags. In that time I realized “I’ve gone through three bags
of these. They’re not weird, they’re just good!”

How did it come out so well? Sure, the constituent parts are
all amazing—white chocolate AND candy corn—but combining them would just seem
too decadent. But that’s what makes it work so well.

Candy corn on its own is amazing, one of the food of the
gods, ambrosia be damned. White chocolate is an interesting and delicious take
on chocolate, one that says “chocolate is so good, it will be even better
without any chocolate in it.”

Generally with this knowledge, people have no idea what to
do with it. People think “Hmmm, this tastes great on its own, so I should
probably combine it with something that 90 percent of the population hates!” And
this is why there are so many macadamia nut raisin white chocolate affronts to
God.

Combining sweet with sweet works really well, because it
amplifies the awesomeness of both candies.

Candy always tastes better when its mascot looks ridiculous.

I really think my girlfriend best summarized the white
chocolate candy corn M&M experience when she had her first (and last) M.
She immediately said “I can feel the cavities forming.” To her, this was an
insult, but to me, this is the reason Halloween, and candy in general, exists.
Nobody approaches candy with the theory that it won’t destroy your gums and
will to live. People approach candy with the idea that it will taste amazingly
awesome and make the 5 figure dental bills totally worth it.

That’s the reason why people who give out toothpaste and
dental floss for Halloween get egged, while the people who give out full size
candy bars see the same kid make slight modifications to his costume so he can
go back and back and back through the line. Those people understand candy;
those people understand the value of having crunchy candy corn. This is why the
deliciousness that is White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms should be on everyone’s
mind this holiday season.

So yes, yes I do believe I’ll have some crunchy candy corn.
Behind the high school bleachers you say? Excellent.

Monday, October 15, 2012

So you've finally reached that tender age where you're no
longer socially allowed to go trick-or-treating. For many people this comes
with the teenage years. For most smart people, this comes when they turn 23.

But all these people are absolutely fools who give into the artificial
construct of being “too old to go trick-or-treating.” Don't worry though, with
the following eHow, you won't have to worry about getting refused candy for
merely being on the Earth too long. Instead you will be showered with all sorts
of deliciousness that many of your peers are foolishly giving out to other
people. That’s right, with this tutorial, you won’t have to give out candy, and
you’ll get some instead, putting you doubly ahead.

eHow to go Trick-or-Treating at Any Age

1.Step one in getting on the Trick-or-Treating
bandwagon is to claim you were never allowed to celebrate as a child. You can
always claim something like you came from a strict family of satanists who
viewed the commercialization of the holy season as an affront to their
religious beliefs. This will both endear you to the trick-or-treatee and also make
them fear you and your unholy family, resulting in a candy haul doubling or
maybe even triple the going rate. Extreme fear will also cause them to avoid
giving crap candy like Smarties.

Don't be stupid, be a Smartie and stab anyone who
gives out Smarties.

2.You can also always claim you’re out
trick-or-treating for your child who has some debilitating disease like
laziness. The bonus associated with this one is you don't even need to slap
together some costume. A mere “Concerned Parent” look on your face is all that
you need. Plus, when they try giving you bad candy like Smarties, you can lash
out at them and say “Do you THINK my Jonathan would like Smarties!?!?” Sure,
they might think you're a jerk, but they should be thinking that about
Jonathan, who doesn't exist. To further sell this one, practice sayings like “Oh,
Jonathan came down with dysentery. What an awful time for him to start playing
Oregon Trail. Give me candy.”

3.At this point you might be getting a little
squeamish about all the lies. Just sit back and realize that this is a
kid/satanic cult focused holiday and using these strategies just play into that
audience. It’s not Halloween without lies.

4.To move away from the cloak and dagger-ness of
the lies I laid out, you can always just go as a bank robber (the anti-cloak
and dagger). Toss on your favorite striped shirt, eye mask and automatic
weaponry. When you brandish that 9×19mm Parabellum with armor piercing bullets,
you know they’re going to give you candy. You can even force them to sort out
all the bad candy (like Smarties).

5.There’s nothing wrong with brandishing eggs as
part of your robber ensemble.

6.The one thing I’ll warn against is, as an adult,
you might feel some level of remorse for your evil doings all throughout the
night. Don’t worry, this is completely understandable. As penance, you will
have to consume all the Smarties in your loot sack. What, there aren’t any you
say? Well then I guess you’ve learned your lesson.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

With all this talk of the Halloween season and what not to
wear, there's one category I felt needed an entire entry of its own.

This Halloween, don't go Gangnam Style.

Gangnam Style is the insane “dance” “craze” “started” by “some person” “named”
“Psy.” If you didn't notice an abundance of quotation marks in that sentence,
you are probably a corpse and should go as that for Halloween. But if you are
breathing and took note of my linguistic mastery, you'd realize I dislike
Gangnam Style and I shudder to think of how many people will go as some pony Asian
person this Halloween.

That last line isn’t meant to sound like some bizarre racial
slur, that’s what the video is—a pudgy Asian person who dances like a pony. To
many people that phrase makes absolutely no sense, but to the video’s 430
million YouTube viewers, it makes complete sense, and they will be certain to
deck themselves out as Psy, the guy in the yellow suit or various hot women who
want to look like a horse.

Just don't do it.

I’m against Gangnam Style inspired costumes because of its
popularity. This might sound hipsterish of me, but my costumes garner a
roughly three percent acceptance rate, whereas this would notch probably
somewhere in the 60 percents, and that is NOT a good thing.

Gangnam Style is this year's “Dick in a Box,” “Joker” or
“Dora the Explorer.” It's the costume style that just about everyone is going
to be sporting, which means you don't want to rep it. Going Gangnam Style would
be like going as Rebecca Black in 2011. It would just feel like unjustified
trend hopping that no one could appreciate. Wait a year, because those who go
as Rebecca Black this year will get mad props—it's old enough to be old, but
not new enough to be fresh.

Oddly enough, I am okay with this hipsterishMan in the Yellow Hat costume.

This might be an adequate costume for somebody who is
already a pudgy person of Asian descent—you can only go as E. Honda so many
times. But beyond that, what this costume will amount to is a lot of white
people dressing and make-upping to look like Psy, and that’s going to result in
everyone who’s not dressed as Psy (one person) to deem everyone else racist.

There is one Gangnam-inspired costume that I wholly support. Affix a whiteboard
to your chest, deck it out to look like a YouTube frame and write “Number of
Gangnam Style costumes I’ve seen tonight” on it. Every time you see another,
bump up the list. But make sure to leave plenty of room, because Psy’s 15 minutes
ensure a figure that’s at least seven digits.

Sure, that costume wouldn’t exist without the Gangnam Style
video, and it should technically be considered a tally on the white board, but
it’s really a way to make a hipster costume without making a hipster costume,
and for many people that’s the goal of any Halloween costume.

Yes, Gangnam Style will be a really excellent costume choice
in about seven years—at that point only three percent of people will look
fondly in their closet and find their stark yellow blazer. And then it will be
an amazing costume, but for 2012, Psy’s 15 minutes of fame remain and the
costume is wholly idiotic.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Today is the most joyous of days, for today people worldwide
celebrate Christopher Columbus Day!

I realize many people are probably thinking I've fallen into some sort of time
warp back to like the 1950s when people actually cared about Christopher
Columbus and his “accomplishments,” but that just isn't so. I'm pumped to
celebrate Christopher Columbus Day this year, because I found out the dickish
explorer was actually a zombie!

Don’t think I’m trying to make some bizarre tie in between a fake holiday like
Christopher Columbus Day with a real one like the entire month of October
(minus the second Monday), but new journals have recently arisen showing the
ghastly zombie connection of Mr. Columbus, or as he liked to be called by his
close personal friends “Senor Bone Grinder.”

Recently, historians discovered Spanish King Ferdinand’s castle butler
Francisco Calderon's journal, and the tidbits revealed in it fully support the
zombification of Columbus. These documents reveal Columbus spent most of his
adult life as a brain hungry zombie.

An excerpt.

Senor Columbus
sauntered into the room with the type of swagger stereotypical to someone not
of this earth. He went up to the leader of our solemn nation and growled out a
greeting.

“Rounnnnnnnnnnnnd,”
the future explorer uttered.

“Oh Christopher
Columbus, why ever are thee talking such silly talk? You didn’t even wish me
the fondest of evenings,” the Spanish king responded in a surprisingly British
sounding dialect.

“Rounnnnnnnnnnnnd,”
Columbus reiterated.

“Now now, Christopher
Columbus, we’ve certainly had our fun for the day with all the laughing and
talk of nonsense. But you, you scurry along now, you delightful scamp!”

I didn't even need to apply a filter to makeColumbus look like a zombie in this picture

At that point,
Columbus definitely scurried, but it most certainly was not along. The
conquistador to be flung himself on the savior of our land. After several
bitter bites, various gnashings and cheap shot or two to Queen Isabella, the
two men continued their conversation.

“Brainnnnnnnnnns,”
said Ferdinand.
“Rounnnnnnnnnnnnd.”

“No! Brainnnnnnns!”

“Rounnnnnnnnnnnnd.”

It went on like this
for three days before they finally agreed Columbus should set sail and discover
new lands.

In hindsight, this all makes a lot of sense. Just think
about it, the smallpox that subjected 90 percent of the native population to
death? Zombies. How he thought he was in Asia, despite the presence of no
Asians? Zombies. The horrible slant rhyme scheme of his ship naming? Brain dead
zombies. How he made everyone call him “Bub?” Day of the Dead zombies.

Finding out that he had these zombiely instincts actually makes me like
Christopher Columbus just a bit more. By the time I was in elementary school,
the public education system was villifying him for all the enslavement and
death he caused, not to mention the time he stoleHenry Oscar Houghton’s milk money.

But with these documents, I actually feel better about
whole-heartedly (and whole-braindedly) celebrating Christopher Columbus Day
today. Christopher Columbus apparently wasn’t some guy who decided to subjugate
an entire continent of people just because he was a dick He did it because he
was a zombie… who was also a dick.

The best part about this revelation is zombies have the capability to live for
eternity. With the right amount of TLC, and, well, brains, they can lead happy,
healthy lives. And that means Mr. Columbus could still be gallivanting this
earth. What better way to celebrate his namesake holiday than by eviscerating
his head with a chainsaw—I actually believe that's how Arbor Day came about.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

For those who don't know what I'm
talking about, that's my Halloween costume for this year.

Because after Ug and Anal Bleed Poof,
you can really only go with “Video Power.”

For those who still don't know what I'm
talking about, I recommend you go back in time and check out a fine
television game show with this name. In it, highly velcro-ed kids
would wander through a maze, grabbing video games off of various
walls and sticking them to the velcro, ermmmm, power suits. If the
made it through the slide at the end of the “maze”, they would
get to keep ALL the games stuck to them and even had the possibility
of winning a Sega Genesis (with THREE buttons).

Now, this was a great show, but for
some reason very few people remember it. Probably only me, and the
guy who played “Johnny Arcade” even know of its existence. And
I'm certain I remember the rules and regulations better than that
putz. Like he probably doesn't remember the episode where after
getting through the maze, the kid starts jumping up and down,
ostensibly celebrating, but actually taking games from the wall and
adding them to his vest. I remember that.

But therein lies a potential problem
with my costume—few people are going to remember the show. As I
said last
week, I am for getting three percent of people to recognize my
Halloween costumes. And if only me and a guy who probably OD'd on
Pixie Stix are the only ones who remember, that leaves little for
recognition.

Compounding matters, there were
actually two vastly different seasons of Video Power. The game show
season was actually the second season. The first version was
basically a cheap knock off of “Captain N and the Game Masters,”
without the big name licenses like Mega Man or Mother Brain. There's
a very select crowd of people who, when I mention I'm a guy from
Video Power, will say “You're not Tyrone, the foul-mouthed Arch
Rivals character!”

That's very true. But I'm comforted by
the fact that anyone THAT into the minuteae of crappy 90s cartoons
probably isn't very cool. Definitely not as cool as me, proponent of
early 90s game shows.

My end all statement to stop people
questioning me will be to rip a game off my vest and say “This is
what Alleyway looked like!” The complete non-sequitor will derail
any sort of argumentative momentum they might have, and I'll be able
to Video Power off into the sunset.

One of the key aspects of my costume
construction is I must be able to make it myself for about $20.
Luckily, the Video Power costume is relatively simple. Get a vest,
stitch on patches of yellow velcro and then glue red and yellow
velcro onto a bike helmet. Costume complete.

I might not achieve the three percent
recognition target I strive to achieve, because this costume is even
more esoteric than something like “Mr. Bananagrabber,” but I
figure just about everyone will agree with a costume taken from a
show that involves both velcro and video games. How could they not?

Finally, this costume will be so good,
I'm certain Mr. Johnny Arcade himself will reward me with a Genesis.
In fact, I know it... but then again, I suppose I'm putting “Johnny
on the Spot.”

Monday, October 1, 2012

It's October, and at BreakMentalDown.com, that means we become
BreakMentalScare.com. No, I didn't register that name, because who wants
to pony up the scratch for just one month of content. But I am going to
use this opportunity to focus entirely on Halloween related
activities--everything from candy corn, to candy corn M&Ms to candy
corn popcorn, and whatever the heck else people do in this enlightened
month.

Key to making a horrorific Halloween is having a good
costume, but this presents a great challenge to many people. They think
the whole process is annoying and hard, so they compromise and showcase
“creativity” by just being someone from Batman.

Those people are
kind of lame, but to many, Halloween is about making that special
costume that dips into a level of esoteric where roughly three percent
of people understand it, but those people will love it 110 percent.

That's
the laundry list of costumes I've created over the past decade. Some caused
people to whoop with joy, but the majority of people reacted with confused
ambivalence. When I explained to one of my coworkers my history of costumes,
his response was to roll his eyes and proclaim “Have you ever thought about
just being a ghost?” The succinct answer to that question is “No,” but the more
in-depth answer is “Oh dear lord no!”

Creative costumes made from random Goodwill items just have a wholesomeness
that a Leg Avenue costume could never hope to achieve. But with these creative
setups, make sure you have an elevator pitch lined up. A 12 second or so
statement to describe what you are. You don't want people thinking you're just
in a banana costume; you want them to see you have a cutout of a Segway.

Instead
of being the guy who “dressed” as the Guitar Hero guitar by wearing a black
jacket, blackface and drawing multi-colored bars on his face, you can be the
guy who says “Have you been touched by my noodly appendage? People might not
have understood what I was after my pitch, but at least I didn't have to
explain it 17 times a minute.

One other thing, never resort to wearing a costume that involves a rubber mask.
Those are just stupid and they reek. Reek of both unoriginality and the smell
of latex. Neither are fun, unless you use them for fun.

﻿

Birdo might get even more than three percent love!

Instead, feel free to choose a costume from the following
list, they're precision designed to make upwards of 12 people give you a hug.
And hopefully one of those might be a hot girl who just happens to love your Ina
Garten “Barefoot Contessa” Muu Muu ensemble.

Requiem for a Dream
Those kids, they just seemed to have the best time in the first half of the
film. Always laughing, talking about the television and getting juiced by
Tappy, juiced by Tappy. Sure, the latter part didn't work out so hot for them,
but if you happen to have an amputee, a hardcore lipstick lesbian and a black
guy in your group of friends, you can definitely pull off this amazing group
costume. Oh, and you'll need to be on uppers.

DiabeticWhat better way to creep others out than by being a Type 1 Diabetic? Test
your blood and inject yourself with insulin whilst trick-or-treating, and
everyone will have quite the fright.

Boulder from Indiana Jones

To most people, a boulder just looks like a hobo dressed in
a garbage sack. And for all intents and purposes, that’s what it is. But if you
coordinate with an Indy, you have a perfect combination.

Birdo from Super Mario Brothers 2For anyone who wants to be a sweet transvestite but doesn't want to go
through the leg-shaving trouble of creating a Dr. Frank-N-Furter (a scientist)
costume, Birdo is your next best bet. Apparently the mistranslated Super Mario
Brothers 2 manual referred to him as a he, and that identity has stuck through
ever game he's since appeared. Just mold some Styrofoam into the proper shape,
layer on a pink sweat suit and you're good to go.

Tune in Thursday to find out what I eventually decided to become. Trust me,
it's a costume filled with video and power that when I came up with the concept
caused me to remark “Well, that might just be the most esoteric costume I could
ever imagine.” And that's coming from a guy who went as Mr. Bananagrabber, a one
off character who appeared in 10 seconds of one episode of “Arrested
Development.”

Monday, September 24, 2012

This is the best I could
onomatopoeia-ically describe the sound of me getting cut off. Twice. Normally,
cutting someone off is viewed as both a threat to life and adequate driving
skills. However, in this case, I'm actually okay with the situation. Why? Because
the cutters made certain to shoot me a courtesy wave and
ameliorate the situation.

For those who have never touched an
automobile before, here is the background on a courtesy
wave. In the world of cars, when someone does you a solid, something that saves
your life in some way, like letting you merge from a ramp—thus preventing you
from smashing into those big yellow barrels that I can only assume contain some
sort of fuel and accelerant that would explode like it's in a mid-90s era light
gun game. When situations like that occur, the solid-receiver is expected to
throw up a wave to courteously let the other driver know they’re giving
respect. It also lets them say “I’m an idiot, thanks” without having to
verbalize it.

Courtesy wave, driver lives.

Not only are courtesy
waves courteous, they've also come to be expected. If you don't do one, bad
things are likely to happen. The case of William S. Brooks is proof positive of
the power of the courtesy wave. In 1996, he was driving
to his home in Olympia, WA, when Brian Michaelson, a 30-year-old roofing contractor
cut him off. In Brooks' words, it wasn't a “bad cutoff,” but a cutoff
nonetheless. He waited the requisite 7.3 seconds to see if Michaelson did shoot
up the courtesy wave.

When no wave came, Brooks proceeded
to run Michaelson off and repeatedly shoot him with a crossbow he kept in the
back of the cabin of his Ford F-150. After Michaelson expired, Brooks
reportedly waved at him before getting back in his car and continuing his
drive.

At trial, Brooks took the stand and
mentioned the lack of courtesy wave and how this made him
feel sad. It took the jury 20 minutes to find him not guilty on all accounts.
And that justified jury of course got a strong courtesy
wave from Brooks, the purveyor of kindness.

Thanks, driving penguin!

As Mr. Brooks' case shows, the courtesy wave has much power on the road and in the minds of
feeble-minded juries. But it seems to be relegated to only driving or biking
sorts of situations. I'd like to see the wave crawl out of the car ghettos and
apply it to other parts of life.

“Oops, sorry I Ponzi schemed you
(wave),” - Bernie Madoff.

“I'll get you in your dreams
(wave),” Freddy Krueger—made doubly scary because the claw hand is doing the
wave.

“So long, Mr. William S. Brooks
(wave),” - Miranda Michaelson.

“Sorry I needed to go back to the
well and make another X-Files movie that really sucked. Cheers,” Chris Carter
says very Britishly as he raises his right hand in a conciliatory fashion.
Apology accepted Mr. X-Files, just don't do it again.

While the courtesy
wave has courtesy in the title, it's really a common
expectation. If you don't do it, nobody likes you and you're a horrible person.
Please, always courtesy wave, it's the right thing to do.

So feel free to vroom and shrump on
the road, just make sure to do it courteously.