'Reaping' holds zero rewards

April 08, 2007

On many occasions I've pointed to my practice of not choosing the movie I will see until I get to the box office. At this stage, I don't even put thought into it anymore, and for good reason. Looking ahead at release dates has offered me nothing but disappointment in the options I actually have at the point of purchase. I can't be the only one that is aggravated by the prevailing belief that certain movies will not do well in our market. Exactly how many weeks did “Talladega Nights” show and how long has “Wild Hogs” been here? No offense if you are one that particularly likes movies like these, but to argue semantics for a moment: If you were to look back through all my past columns, you would notice that I have very rarely used the terms “movie” and “film” interchangeably, indicating (in my own subtle way) that there IS a difference. It's insulting when you consider that the powers that be (booker at a particular corporate office) don't think we have the ability to appreciate films that are independent, have quality, prove to have artistic value, could stimulate you intellectually and (god forbid) could eventually become Oscar winners. What's more insulting is the tendency of only bringing a film to us after award nominations have been handed out. It's like saying, “Look, the rest of the world has already seen this film and they thinks it's good, so you should too, silly bumpkin.” I should restate what I've said in previous columns, which is that you can't go blaming our local movie house. While they exercise some control over what shows come in, the ultimate decision is made elsewhere. In the field that I work in, I'm persistently trying to convince newcomers that our fair city only feels like the middle of nowhere. I've rarely had circumstances in which I couldn't change their mind. Usually it involves pointing to the fact that behind that copy of “Redneck World” magazine on the newsstand is “The Economist," “Utne Reader," etc. Not to mention all those of international interest. But simply not offering the choice is nothing short of cold, particularly when the overused excuse of “limited release” doesn't even apply. Not getting a film like “Grindhouse” (which I wouldn't try to pass off as art) on its opening week may not be the most pressing issue in the world, but it is the proverbial “straw” and points directly at the issue that I write. So what I am left with is “Firehouse Dog," “Are We Done Yet?” and “The Reaping." The only film of any mention that was being released this week was “Grindhouse," but when forced with a choice, the most interesting option offered up was “The Reaping." “The Reaping” sets itself up as a secular alternative to the “Left Behind” camp and attempts to acquaint you with a more user friendly, and predictable, apocalypse. One wouldn't want to be taken by surprise. Never before have I seen so many attempts to create mystery, suspense, shock, horror, intensity and surprise go so terribly wrong. I can't even catalog how many things were bad about this movie. But I'll try: &middotThere was little or no indication that the movie was starting, which allowed the people around me to finish their conversations before realizing they should probably pay attention. &middotIt's hard to make a compelling movie when the topics and concepts used aren't even disguised to make them look like your own. &middotCasting and talent are an embarrassment. &middotThis movie's “last-line” will go down in history as the worst, and least deserved setup for a sequel - EVER. My utter disgust for this movie isn't purely based on the notion that (possibly) the most interesting movie concept of the year has passed us by. This movie honestly stunk. So to make this column somewhat readable, I've compiled some alternative titles for “The Reaping” and real-world applications: &middot“The Sleeping.” How Hollywood can help you sleep through the night. &middot“My Agent, Should be Hung." The Biography of Hillary Swank. (AKA “It Looked Good On Paper”) &middot“The End Times - Lite.” For those who can't sit through the entire rapture. &middot“If the Flock is Rockin', Don't Come-a-Knockin'.” Throw-back to the campy drug movies of the '70s. &middot“The Mark Of Predictability.” Instructions on how not to make a good movie. &middot“Fat Bloated Frogs From the Sky.” The B-movie classic. For future reference: There is a very motivated group of people working to bring film back to the Capitol Theatre. If you're interested in getting involved, or want more information you can contact them for further details. If you want to see some interesting and highly creative films made by our talented cadre of local filmmakers, keep your eyes peeled for the Fischgaard Short Film Project DVD release party, coming soon to a Rooster near you. Nick Pharris has two children and is an assistant manager of the Little Professor Book Center. He has many stage and behind-the-scenes credits with the Aberdeen Community Theatre and has been writing for the Aberdeen American News for three years.