Hey, New Monopoly Game Pieces: Duck You!

Attention, people of the world! We have a ground-breaking, mind-blowing, life-changing announcement! Monopoly, board game of our childhood, recently swapped out three of its original pieces for new ones. WTF?! This is shocking! A travesty! What is the world coming to?!

Kidding. This isn’t an important announcement. Monopoly really did change some of its pieces, but who the hell cares? You’d be surprised, because some people are losing their shit.

The game was created almost 100 years ago. It’s time to update. But, apparently, Monopoly holds a lot of nostalgia for some, because the traditional pieces harken back to a time of American growth and ingenuity. A time when hard work, innovation, and progress counted for something, dammit! Besides that, buying imaginary properties and collecting $200 fake dollars every time you pass Go is serious business. Or, something like that.

As far as the new pieces go, we think they’re pretty great! The old-school thimble has been replaced by a penguin; the wheelbarrow, a rubber duck; and the boot, a T-Rex. Come on. These are fantastic! They’ve retired and replaced pieces before, so why the big deal all of a sudden? Now, we fully understand why people freaked out over the short-lived Ghettopoly in 2003, because it was totally racist and offensive, but a rubber duck?!

The Twitter-sphere has been blowing up about this topic. Here are some gems:

@mikeFAIL: “The thimble represented the working class of Monopoly. You came from mediocrity and you could be somebody. F*** our generation.”

Sadly, your attempt at making a profound statement is overshadowed by the fact that you attributed that social class to the game itself, not America, which we assume is what you meant. And, you have the word “FAIL” in your twitter handle. Next!

@Ginsburg: “Instead of a thimble and a wheelbarrow, symbols of work, we get a rubber ducky, symbol of goofing off in a bath.”

And when was the last time you used a thimble or wheel barrow? I’m going to guess never, so shut your self-righteous pie hole.

And finally,

@chrisbrasfield: “I have always been a thimble guy and a huge monopoly fan so I am pretty sad over this.”

You’ve always been a thimble guy? Not even going to try to read in to what that actually means. Maybe it’s a nipple fixation.

The fact is, the pieces have already changed. It’s done. No amount of cyber crying will bring them back. Deal with it! Better yet, if it offends you so egregiously, don’t play the game! Also, please refrain from acting like you still play board games. We all know your only activity is playing ‘Candy Crush’ on your phone. We can think of dozens more serious topics happening in the world to be worried about right now.