This is goodI like being by myselfI don’t need anyone elseLaundry’s been foldedI have no plans tonightDesk is clearedI am ready to writeHereWeGoLet’s just check status updates real quickOhThat’s a cute pic of Alicia and her kids“Like”Throw back ThursdayOh my godLook at Alfie's hair“Like”Look at my buddy who just booked a pilot“Like”Thank god I’m not the jealous typeOh...helloWho is this young lady with Mike?Look who I bumped into downtown?#oldfriendsYes indeedI will look into herWe have only two mutual friends22Mike and his wife JessThat’s great I love Mike and Jess!And she likes The Walking DeadNice!And she likes A Tribe Called QuestYes!And she likes Blade RunnerHoly shit!This could be it!She could be the one!I should send Mike a message right nowTell him to introduce usI’m so ready for Mike and Jess to be our best friends!And we can all go to the Farmer’s Market together!She’ll wear a cute li’l sun dressAnd I’ll wear that fedora I don’t have the courage to wear aloneAnd who’s this?Look she has a cute puppyNamed Veggie!Oh my godI’m so ready to take Veggie for walks!What if this woman and I are meant to be?But that’s all that I can seeThe rest of her shit is blockedWaitMike posted her handle@kat de grootLet’s check out her InstagramOh she is cuteShe doesn’t look too tallSo I won’t feel insecure when she wears heelsAnd she looks short enoughThat she’ll fitAndThat is a beautiful sunset picDamnMy girl is so artistic!And who’s this?Yup.There it isHer manTaking a napWith their cat on his chestAnd Veggie on his lapLooking straight out of a goddamn Gap ad“Got home and found these three rascals asleep”#buds#love 23#okay I get it you have a boyfriendOh jeezusAnd here’s another picOf him in an apron in the kitchen“Look what my boo is makinChocolate covered bacon!”Are you serious, Mr. Boyfriend??Let me guesLet me guessI bet you have a job in marketingAnd a loft downtownAnd you drive Ms. Girlfriend aroundIn your convertible jeepAnd she curls up on your armAnd no matter how windy it getsYour hair always looks perfectYou never shaveYou volunteer at a dog rescue on weekendsYou do jiu jitsu with Ryan GoslingWho comes over for dinnerAnd he flirts with Ms. GirlfriendBut you never get jealous, do you?Which is whyAfter Ryan leavesYou cuddle up on the couchAnd Ms. Girlfriend saysYou’re so awesomeThen you take out a piece of jewelry that you handmade on your volunteer trip to Costa Ricawith Habitat for HumanityHuh??Mr. BoyfriendMr. So Much Better Than MeMr. Life is just so easyMr. I’m so perfect and so damn happy!!WhooWhat’s going on, Joe?What are you doing?This is INSANE…I don’t have time for a relationship now anywayToo bad too@kat de groot#things were looking up for youand #meI guess we’ll never know nowBut we had our moment, didn’t we?I hope you don’t mindBut I’m closing that windowYes24Command Q – oh – command QIt’s you who I truly loveYou you you close these windows to these curated artificial livesThank god I’m not the jealous type.