I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Saturday, 31 July 2010

‎I came across the following 'prayer' on a friend's profile in facebook today and had to share it here, it is so beautiful and so precious.

I want to particularly dedicate this to all the wonderful women in my life; especially to those precious women who are walking alongside me on my healing journey, praying, encouraging and just being there. Thank you, your support is of immeasurable value to me and I just want you to know how special you are to me.

But I also would like dedicate this to all the wonderful women who visit here, especially fellow survivors. You are beautiful, strong, courageous, valuable women and you are welcome here, this is a safe space, bless you!!

Dear God:

The lady reading this is beautiful, classy and strong, and I love her.

Help her live her life to the fullest.

Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations.

Help her shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love.

Protect her at all times, lift her up when she needs YOU the most, and let her know when she walks with YOU, she will always be safe.

Wednesday, 28 July 2010

I was reading a friend’s blog the other day and she posted an article about the why questions that abuse survivors live with. It started me thinking and I realise that I have many questions that reverberate around my mind, my emotions, my memories, my thoughts and my attempts to heal and move on. Some of the questions I know are rhetorical questions, others though I scream out for answers.

As a child it was “don’t speak bad about them, respect your parents, they are your parents and they are upstanding members of the church and pillars of the community”. Then as I became an adult the pressure put on me from people in the church to show my abusers love, forget what they did and put things right with them just because they were my parents was almost impossible to live with and caused me so much pain and confusion. [And that in spite of the fact that it was my parents who disowned me when THEY realised I was no longer prepared to be controlled by them.] Those same people continue to harbour my abusers in the church while I cannot even so much as darken the door of that church with my shadow.

Over the years I’ve had to cope with the “whatever they did they are still your parents and you should just forget it”. All of that just adds to the confusion I already have inside of me and makes it harder to heal, harder to survive, harder to keep going.

Some questions I’ve asked along the way, some I’ve given no voice to up until now. Some of them I know will never be answered but they are there nonetheless. So here’s a few of them.

Why is it that when it is family who are the abusers you are supposed to love them and want a relationship with them?

Why is it when it is family who are your abusers you are supposed to just forget it?

Why is it when it is family who are your abusers you shouldn’t take action against them?

Why is it that when it is family who are your abusers you should not seek justice?

Why did my mother seem to take so much pleasure in humiliating me that she laughed and laughed as she masterminded my torture over so many years?

Why would an adult sexually mess with a child?

How could an adult sexually mess with a child?

How could people be so consistently, deliberately and sadistically cruel to their own flesh and blood?

What was it about me that was so bad?

The hardest thing for me has been that the so called ‘church family’ rejected me just as much as my biological family. So many Christians when they realised how wounded and damaged, totally relationally impaired and untrusting I was and yet I purported to be a Christian and to love Jesus – fingers started to point and the ’should’ words began to be spoken and it was turned on me that it was my fault I was so screwed up. One Christian lady actually told me that she did not believe that I was a Christian because I was so depressed! That hurt me so much and added to my confusion.

Why is that so many Christians don’t get how you can be a Christian and be in such a mess. Why is that?

Instead of coming alongside me, giving me space to tell my story and helping, it was oh just forgive, forget, move on, it happened so long ago, stop harping on about it, stop dragging it up from the past. WHY IS THAT?

How can I ever forget 20 years of abuse and torture? It may have happened a long time ago, but I live with it every minute I’m awake and then in my nightmares when I do sleep. For me it is not in the past it is very much in the present.

How could I move on with none to help and walk alongside me?

How can I forgive when my abusers deny anything ever happened?

How can I forgive when my abusers say anything bad that ‘might’ have happened was because I such a bad person, they did nothing wrong?

How can my abusers carry on with their lives as if all is normal and nothing is wrong?

Why are churches and so many Christians so closed minded about the realities of living with past sexual abuse?

Why are churches and so many Christians so closed minded about the realities of the deep damage of childhood abuse and of the complexities of the healing processes?

Why do so many churches have systems in place to prevent abuse happening, but provide little or no support to REALLY help victims heal?

Why is it that so many Christians tell you that as you are a Christian, you are a new person so your past is gone, so all the stuff from your past abuse should be gone too?

Why is it that so many Christians tell you that you are doing something wrong if you aren’t healing from the damage of the abuse or if you don’t have joy etc?

Why do so many Christians tell you that if you read your bible enough and pray enough you should be fine? [Implying that you cannot be reading your bible or praying enough because you are a screwed up mess]

Why is it that so many Christians think you don’t need counselling or anything; you just need to get over it, forgive your abusers and forget it?WHY IS THAT?”

One of the hardest things I found in church was the use of language. Calling God ‘Father’ is a huge trigger for me, as is talking about having secret places, I understand about the secret place of time alone with God, but talking about secrets and secret places just triggers stuff. There are so many other words that are used in church which are triggers, I just can’t think of them right now. The hardest thing in going to church for me was leaving church afterwards and heading home. That always sent me into a depression. I couldn’t handle it because deep inside I was reminded that as child going home from church meant walking back into hell, it meant going home to punishment beatings, it meant going home to the isolation of being in that hell hole of a home with none to come to my rescue. Also, going home from church and seeing so many of the rest of my friends at church going home to be with friends and family, and hearing them talk about their plans to do so increased my sense of isolation of having none to eat Sunday lunch with. So often I left church feeling isolated and suicidal because of all those memories and all that pain so that in the end I stopped going to church to avoid going through that pain each week.

Why is it that all these years later going home from church should trigger so much painful stuff, that now I cannot face going to church because I just cannot face that pain of going home from church alone anymore?

Why is it that church is full of so many Christians who are simply not honest about the real struggles so many of us face in our attempts to survive and deal with the damage caused by our past abuse?

Why is it that church is the one place I avoid because I know I don’t fit people’s ideals as to what being a Christian should be?

Why is it that church is the one place that I avoid simply because I cannot face the questions and the ‘should’ statements anymore?

Why is it that so many Christians are blind to the work that God is doing in my life because I’m not healing in the way or at the pace that they think I ‘should’ be?

Why is it that I walk so closely with Jesus because I have to, I would not be alive if I didn’t, and yet feel such a misfit when I do summon up the courage to go to church?

The wonderful thing is that God has now brought some wonderful professional experienced amazing women into my life who are all giving me hope and walking alongside me, believing in me. I know I will heal now, although I know it will be a long journey.

My heart was broken twice over, once by my birth family and second by the church family.

But thankfully I do now have a very small handful of Christian friends who see the real me who underneath that fake smile so desperately wants to heal. Thank you to all of you who are supporting me in my journey. Thank you for walking alongside me and praying for me, even though you may not always understand what is going on. You are slowly and surely restoring my trust and showing me the love and compassion of my Safe Daddy.

It’s wonderful that I have a voice now through this site. I love how God is connecting me with so many survivors over the internet and through this blog.

Tuesday, 27 July 2010

During the last couple of weeks I’ve been walking through possibly the hardest days of my healing journey so far. All I’ve been able to do has been to cry out to my Safe Daddy and my big bruvver Jesus, knowing that they were closer to me than I will ever realise and were carrying me through this almost unbearable time. Yesterday I came across the following passage in a bible study and was just so encouraged by it and reminded that Safe Daddy knows every single tiny detail of what’s going on. Just at the point when I felt I couldn’t take another step HE jumped in and picked me up, gave me a big hug and refocused me, and all with HIS enormous compassion that always encourages and restores hope.

Your heart is hurting. Fear is creeping toward you trying to confront you full face. Do not let that happen. Stop it in its tracks in MY Name. Trust ME with your whole heart. Bring to mind when I’ve brought good things in the past when you saw no way for them to happen. I will bring the full weight of MY glory to the situation. I always do the best. I always cause all things working together for good. I am God and there is no other. You are MY child and I will never leave or forsake you and yours. Up until now you haven't seen yourself as being very strong, but that is changing. I’ve never seen you the way you have seen yourself because I’ve seen your heart. Now you are beginning to see yourself as I see you. I’ve seen you relying on ME through hard times and that pleases me. You have been thinking harder times are coming. No, not at all, good times are ahead. Ready yourself for what is coming. Anticipate what I am bringing. Allow your mind to be filled with MY blessings and goodness. You become stronger believing in MY goodness.There are thoughts rumbling around in your head that are not good for you or anyone else. The only thing that will work is forgiveness. Yes, I know you’ve done it but do it again, make your choice to forgive again. Ask ME for cleansing. MY blood was shed for you and you do not have to carry it around in your mind. It is detrimental to your health and well being. Dump the load that was dumped on you. Forgive again. Stay free precious one. Forgive again and again each time you think of what happened or any of the surrounding circumstances. Your forgiveness does not in any way excuse the one who hurt you. Keep on forgiving and you will be free. That is what 70 x 7 means in Scripture...keep on forgiving. Don't choose the way of bitterness or unforgiveness. Choose MY way of faith, hope and love. MY way is the way of peace and joy.Confusion has come and has affected your peace of mind. Rely not on your own thinking or wisdom. Precious one, don't worry. I know circumstances are difficult, you will make it through. Even though you don't see a way now there is a way. I have the way, you will weather it. Keeping a positive mindset will help keep you stable. MY Spirit keeps your positive mindset stable, if you focus on ME. MY Spirit communes with your spirit and peace results in your centre. Relax and be at peace. I am with you. I know it is hard to keep your mind trusting. Keep your mind focused on MY love, care and peace. Tell ME your deepest thoughts and fears. Believe in ME and MY goodness. Thank ME for delivering you in times past. Those are the things you need to focus on, that is the kind of thinking that will get you through. You are hidden in ME and I live within you. Settle down here beside ME. Everything is alright, you are here with ME and I am with you.

Isaiah 26:3-4 (Amplified Bible)YOU will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on YOU, because he commits himself to YOU, leans on YOU, and hopes confidently in YOU. So trust in the Lord (commit yourself to HIM, lean on HIM, hope confidently in HIM) forever; for the Lord God is an everlasting rock

Saturday, 17 July 2010

Are you in the refiner’s fire today? If you are don’t rebel or try to run away, just sit still and let the refiner do HIS work. The bible says “HE will sit like a refiner of silver, burning away the dross. HE will purify them, refining them like gold and silver, so that they may once again offer acceptable sacrifices to the Lord.”

A woman who read this verse wanted to know how it related to her walk with God, so she made an appointment with the silversmith. Without mentioning anything other than a general interest in the process, she sat and observed him work. She watched as he held the silver over the fire, explaining that in order to burn away every impurity he had to keep it in the middle where it was hottest. She asked him if he usually sat in front of the fire the whole time. ‘Yes’ he replied, ‘not only do I have to hold it, I must watch it. If I leave it there too long it will be destroyed.’ After thinking about that for a while she asked ‘how do you know when the process is complete?’ Smiling, he replied ‘that’s easy, I see my face reflected in it.’

Remember – (a) HE knows what HE’S doing, so trust HIM (b) HE won’t allow you to be destroyed by the circumstances or take HIS eye off you (c) when the process is complete, you’ll be more like Jesus and less like your old self.

Sunday, 11 July 2010

It’s amazing how God is bringing to my attention scriptures about security and safety at the moment. God knows that there’s a lot of fear and uncertainty swirling around me and that I need a lot of reassurance. Fear is not a strong enough word, at times it is sheer terror. I have so many questions and so much uncertainty and insecurity but HE is so incredibly good to me as I wobble about.

Thank you my dear SAFE DADDY for reaching out to your terrified little girl and saying “I am with you, I know, I understand, it’s ok”.

Thank you Jesus, my big bruvver, for your gentle and yet strong presence that comforts and sustains me. I can’t see my tormentors for dust when you, my big bruvver, turns up, they know they’re no match for YOU. Jesus, my wonderful big bruvver, it’s sometimes so hard to feel your presence because of the trauma and uncertainty I’m experiencing. But thank you that you’re there in the trauma, insecurity and uncertainty bringing your gentle peace, calming me deep inside and saying “peace, be still, my precious one, all is well, I am with you”.

Thank you dear Holy Spirit for bringing to my attention those things which SAFE DADDY wants to comfort me with. Thank you too for nudging me towards those things that my wonderful SAFE DADDY wants me to draw strength and hope from at this time.

YOU SHALL BE SECURE AND FEEL CONFIDENT BECAUSE THERE IS HOPE, YES YOU SHALL SEARCH ABOUT YOU AND YOU SHALL TAKE YOUR REST IN SAFETY, YOU SHALL LIE DOWN AND NONE SHALL MAKE YOU AFRAID - Job 11: 18

Saturday, 10 July 2010

If you could talk with the three Hebrew children about their experience with the Lord in the fiery furnace, perhaps they would describe it this way: The fire was all over us. Our robes were ablaze, yet amazingly, our skin was untouched. We had no idea what was going on. Then something moved among the ashes; we were not alone. Suddenly, out of the smoke came a shining, gleaming person! We never got HIS name; HE never said it. HE never said anything. But just knowing HE was there brought such comfort. HIS presence protected us in the midst of the crisis. Now, we do not mean to say that the fire went out, or that the heat was reduced. No, it still burned, but the brightness of the flames was eclipsed by the brightness of HIS presence. 'We never saw HIM again; HE showed up only when we needed HIM. One thing is sure however, looking back, we are glad they dragged us from the presence of the wicked king into the presence of the Righteous One! In HIS company we learned that, "No weapon forged against you will prevail. You will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord."'

Are you walking through a fiery trial today? If so, you are not alone - God is with you! Take courage! When HE brings you out you will know HIM better, trust HIM more, and have something to say that will make others want to listen.

My thoughts on compassion are compassion is what always motivated Jesus in HIS interactions with people when HE walked on this earth. It is compassion which continues to motivate Jesus in HIS expressions of love and understanding towards me and in HIS work to bring healing to my life. It is always with compassion that Jesus reaches out in love. HIS compassion is the most incredible thing that you will ever feel. Just one glance into HIS eyes and HIS compassion reaches deep inside me and enables me to respond to HIM. Jesus is reaching out to you and to me with the most incredible compassion that in trying to describe it I run out of words. So, take a moment and glance towards HIM and allow HIS compassion to reach into those deepest darkest places inside of you and bring you hope.

Compassion is the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things - Thomas Merton

Compassion is the ultimate and most meaningful embodiment of emotional maturity. It is through compassion that a person achieves the highest peak and deepest reach in his or her search for self-fulfilment - Arthur Jersild

Compassion is not sentiment but is making justice and doing works of mercy. Compassion is not a moral commandment but a flow and overflow of the fullest human and divine energies - Matthew Fox

The whole purpose of religion is to facilitate love and compassion, patience, tolerance, humility, forgiveness - H.H. the Dalai Lama

Always treat others as you'd like to be treated yourself ... Don't do to others what you would not like them to do to you -Karen Armstrong charterforcompassion.org

MY FAVOURITE BIBLE VERSES

IN YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM, AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATHS Prov 3:6THE LORD IS A SHIELD TO THOSE WHO WALK WITH INTEGRITY Prov 2: 7WHEN MY FATHER AND MY MOTHER FORSAKE ME, THEN THE LORD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME AND ADOPT ME AS HIS OWN CHILD Psalm 27: 10 (Amp)CAN A MOTHER FORGET HER NURSING CHILD? CAN SHE FEEL NO LOVE FOR THE CHILD SHE HAS BORNE? . . . I WILL NOT FORGET YOU Isaiah 49: 15I WILL COMFORT YOU . . . AS A MOTHER COMFORTS HER CHILD Isaiah 66: 13THE KING IS ENTHRALLED BY YOUR BEAUTY Psalm 45:11