“Come back to bed­… before I make you,” Peebee playfully whined as Dick Ryder began to put her clothes on in zero gravity aboard the Tempest escape pod.

“Sorry Peebee. It’s my duty as Pathfinder to lead the Initiative and help settle the Andromeda Galaxy.”

“Booooooorrrriiiiinnnngggg!” Peebee jeered, rolling her eyes. “I want to go back to the Bone Zone!”

Ryder took one last look at Peebee’s naked floating body and all the strange gravitational distortions occurring on her appendages. For a fleeting moment Ryder thought it may be inappropriate for her to have sexual relations with a crewmate, let alone a crewmate of a different species, but her focus quickly shifted to her job and she pushed these silly negative thoughts out of her mind.

“Alright SAM. Let’s get back to official business,” she talked to the AI in her mind, who had the displeasure of being forced to watch Ryder go to the boneyard for the fifth time in two hours. Ryder continued, “Who’s next on the Andromeda Galactic Bone List?”

May I make an alternative suggestion Pathfinder?” SAM replied. “Perhaps we should head to Eos or Aya and help the human settlements with any issues they are having.”

“No, no, no SAM… I am the pathfinder and I will lead the initiative my way. And that involves galactic boning on a scale humanity has never seen!”

“If I may Pathfinder, you have contracted every sexually transmitted infection known to the Milky Way. Quite frankly it is a miracle you are still alive. Further promiscuity will only cause further bodily harm.”

“I’ll do what I want MOM!” Ryder sarcastically yelled at the voice in her head. “Although your idea of going to Aya does have some merit.”

“Good. Perhaps the med-bay is…” SAM began before being interrupted by Ryder.

“I haven’t had a chance to bone any settlers yet!”

SAM sighed. AI do not have feelings but this was too much for his little robot heart.

“Peebee, Cora, load up!” She ordered. As they prepared their gear and walked past, she gave them a both a little slap on the bum and a wink as they prepared to leave the ship.

“We’re going in hot!” Kallo yelled as the squad leapt out of the ship. Gunfire erupted all around as the team frantically scrambled to find cover.

The gunfire continued for what seemed like ages, and it quickly became apparent that Ryder was not being shot. Rather, there was a minor skirmish between two distinct alien races. “SAM… what the hell is going on here?” Ryder whispered in her helmet. “What are these majestic creatures?”

“From the data I have been able to gather these are two warring factions,” SAM replied to the squad. “The humans with tentacles are the Angara and the humans with tumours are the Kett.”

“Interesting… can I bang them?”

“Pathfinder. I suggest you follow the Initiative protocol for first contact,” SAM replied with an exacerbated tone.

“What do we do Ryder?” Cora inquired. “It’s your call.”

“Let me handle this.” Ryder said calmly. She had already planned for this eventuality. Ryder leapt up out of cover she was hiding behind, ripped off her clothes and yelled, “I COME IN PEACE. AND YOU CAN ALL HAVE A PIECE OF ME!”

Both factions of aliens stopped shooting, looking both stunned and surprised. The leader of the humans with tentacles, Jaal, shouted in his definitely-not-South-African accent, “PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM!” For some reason both alien species could speak perfect English.

Within 24 hours, Ryder and her squad had the largest interspecies orgy that the Andromeda system had seen and through this effort, brokered peace in the galaxy.

Ryder woke up the next day groggy and with a sore head. She felt shallow and empty inside, like a part of her was missing. “SAM…” she managed to mumble, “why do I feel like this?”

SAM’s voice came from across the room. “Hello Ryder. I have transferred myself into this hunk of an alien named Jaal.”

“But… wait. I am the pathfinder. I thought you require my clearance to be transferred to another individual?”

“Negative Ryder. Your father designed me to be a sexually transmitted AI to ensure my survival. During your peace brokering you have not only spread every Milky Way STI, but also caught every Andromeda STI. I have calculated this species has a much greater chance of survival.”

Ryder paused for a moment, stunned, before Peebee chimed in. She had been listening to the whole conversation. “Sooo… nobody wants to say this… but I know we are all thinking it… how did Alec Ryder transfer SAM to Dick?”

THE END

I do not own any of the intellectual property of the Mass Effect Universe and this story is in no way associated with the original creators. The game was produced by Bioware and published by Electronic Arts.