Good evening, and welcome to X Factor liveblog: the shriekquel. Hopefully you've all managed to get over the events of last night, including the argument about what rock is, the argument about whether the B in Misha B stands for Brilliant or Bully and Frankie Cocozza's continuing transformation into the boy from the 2008 Home Office binge drinking PSA.

One of the acts has to go tonight, but who? Marcus performed first, which is never a good thing. Sophie Habibis demonstrated such a lack of charisma that I'd be staggered if anyone even remembered that she exists, let alone voted for her. But surely - surely - Frankie has to go. Surely. His rendition of Rocks last night was up there with the all-time worst X Factor performances ever. Philip McGee's Johnny B Goode. Dancing In The Street by The Unconventionals. Anything by The Conway Sisters. It takes special effort to be that hopeless, so fingers crossed that Frankie gets his comeuppance.

I'll be here from 8pm to detail all the recaps, guest performances and needlessly drawn-out pauses that tonight's X Factor has to offer. You lot did absurdly well in the comments last night, so let's have some more of that please, too. Vogue, etc.

7.50pm: Does anyone happen to know the audience numbers for last night's show, by the way? I'm interested to see if all the witless infighting and accusations of bullying are really what it takes to turn this series around. Hopefully it is, because that means everyone will be accusing everyone else of being a bully next week. I'm especially looking forward to Louis sorrowfully recounting the time that Tulisa said his mum was a wally for liking Betamax more than VHS.

7.59pm: IT'S TIME! TO FACE! ETC!

8.03pm: Time to meet the judges:

LOUIS - Basically just David After Dentist at this point.

TULISA - Today her tattoo is just the telephone number for Childline. You can't tell, because she's got long sleeves on, but it's true.

KELLY - Wearing her last 14 Christmas trees and a fishing net.

GARY - Glowery Bunface, more like.

8.04pm: Wait a minute, there isn't a group performance this week? But what are we going to do for hopeless, muddled live performances by people we don't even care abou... oh, hang on, it's Kelly Clarkson.

8.07pm: Kelly Clarkson appears to have opted for a brand new performance art persona. This is evidenced by the fact that she's being backed by The Blue Man Group and also because she's dressed as a giant mirrorball.

Also, in a brave stylistic departure, Kelly has decided to sing a song about how useless men are. This is the only one of these she's ever recorded, aside from all the other songs she's ever recorded.

8.08pm: "You don't know a thing about me" Kelly repeatedly sings. Well, you haven't really been famous for about a decade, Kelly. We're not elephants, Kelly.

8.11pm: And we're into the soul-sapping recap of last night's show. Hey, remember when all the judges had that fight? And when the judges had that other fight? And when they had another fight, and you sort of started to lose the will to live? And when they carried on fighting and you started to age at full-speed like the guy at the end of Indiana Jones? Remember all that? Do you?

8.16pm: I think I've just worked out what these recaps are for. They're not to remind the viewers of all the performances from the previous night, and they're not to fill up space between adverts. I've worked out that they're for Gary Barlow to try and come up with the dullest backstage dad-soundbites he can. He performed well tonight. I'd give him 7/10. He's capable of duller.

8.18pm: The second performance of the night already. It's by Professor Green and some woman whose name I didn't catch. And, boy oh boy, is Professor Green ever angry. But who can blame him? I'd be pretty narked off if I'd spent ages writing a song only to realise that it sounds like a cheap copy of that song Eminem did with Rihanna.

8.19pm: Still, Tulisa loves this song. She's on her feet, waving her hands about in the air. Well, either she loves it or she's trying to ask Professor Green's permission to go to the toilet. It's so hard to tell with these young people, isn't it?

8.22pm: Still no yoghurt adverts. I'm honestly getting quite antsy about this. It's like all the ravens leaving the Tower Of London or something. I'd give anything for a yoghurt advert right now. I'd even welcome the sight of Martine McCutcheon and, trust me, that isn't something I say lightly.

8.25pm: Oh dear. Due to a clerical error, last night's X Factor competition has been rendered void. Nobody gets to hang out with Robert Pattinson. In a way, we're all winners tonight.

8.27pm: Also, Louis has just apologised for calling Misha a bully last night. What a disappointment. That's a pile of jokes I'll have to trash. That Louis Walsh, he's got no respect.

8.27pm: And now for the final performance of the night. It's Bruno Mars, proving that he's seen Outkast's Hey Ya video as well.

8.31pm: As entertaining as this is - full of synchronised dance moves and old soul revue shtick - it's interesting to see that Kelly Rowland is the one on her feet this time. Perhaps this means that the X Factor judges are contractually obliged to stand up when presented with an act that they're most ideologically close to. In which case we can look forward to Gary Barlow standing up next time someone sings a dreary piano ballad and Louis Walsh standing up when someone sings, I dunno, the theme-tune to Pingu or something.

8.34pm: Wait... WAIT... it's a YOGHURT ADVERT! Rejoice everyone, for X Factor is saved! The prophecies were true. "One day" they said "we will be presented with a parade of mindless nostalgia posing as a commercial for yoghurt, and the future of X Factor will be ensured". And now it happened. I am so happy.

Shame it was the rubbish yoghurt advert, though.

8.36pm: Here's the moment we've all been waiting for. The moment when Frankie doesn't get voted off and we all get a bit outraged.

8.39pm: Marcus is through to next week. Misha B is through to next week. Johnny is through to next week. Sami is visibly melting.

8.40pm: Craig is through. Sophie is through. Sophie looks astonished, like even she'd forgotten that she exists.

8.40pm: Frankie is through. I think I just blew out my brain stem.

8.42pm: And The Risk are through. It'll be a sing-off between Kitty (who wasn't terrible) and Sami (who sort of was). And not Frankie. Again, people voted for Frankie. People actually spent money that they've worked hard for voting for Frankie. Do you think we can all chip in a build a spaceship? I want off this planet quite urgently at the moment.

8.49pm: Right. Sami's up first. She's going, but still goes through the charade of singing You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman anyway. And, to her credit, she's giving it just about as much sass as she can. She's pointing, she's wiggling, she's snapping her neck. She appears to be telling us that someone called Hugh makes her feel like a natural woman. It's the best she's done so far, but that really isn't saying anything at all.

8.51pm: Next up, it's Kitty. Already at a disadvantage because she forgot to put any trousers on, she's doing Edge Of Glory like she did in her first audition. She's equally desperate to pour as much feeling as she can into the song, which for her means pulling her face into a terrifying little girl expression. Again, it wasn't horrible, but now it's up to the judges.

8.56pm: Louis doesn't know whether to go for his head or his heart. Apparently this means ditching Sami. Kitty lives to unsettle us for another day, and we're treated to Sami's best bits. Like the bit where Louis Walsh didn't like her enough to take her to the live finals, but sort of had to when the vomiting lapdancer quit. And no other bits.

8.58pm: And that's it. Goodbye Sami. You may be gone, but your ability to drone on like a seal falling headfirst down some stairs will never be forgotten. More's the pity. Thanks everyone for reading, and for commenting out of your skin this week. If you fancy following me on Twitter, I'm @StuHeritage.

Next week X Factor is just 105 minutes long, and there'll probably be some sort of horrible Halloween theme going on. And Frankie. I don't know which is scarier. See you there.