Husband won’t work, depression

I need some outside perspective. My husband and I met in the military and have been married 6 years. I left the military shortly after our son was born and was a stay at home mom for a little while. He stayed in. I took care of everything at home and eventually started working evenings and then started college. I continued to do everything around the house, I even took care of the lawn and cars. My husband started to get into these really bad moods and sometimes would just not go in to work. He’d just lay in bed all day. He was diagnosed with severe depression and left the military over it. I just want to add that this isn’t a PTSD issue. He was never in any sort of combat or in any stressful type of situation.

Fast forward to today. I’ve become an RN and work full time. I also go to school full time and I take care of everything at home. Our child is in daycare full time. My husband sleeps all day and plays video games all night. To those who don’t know, we look perfect. As of right now no one knows he was fired from his last job which only lasted 2 months. He’s worked 8 months in the last 3 years. A few weeks ago I begged him to go to counseling but he refused. He is on medication for depression and it’s been switched several times but nothing seems to work. He is either exhausted or sick nearly every day. Since our son was born he has left the house alone with him exactly 6 times. 6 times in nearly 5 years. He isn’t able to be a stay at home dad. We tried that and within a week it was clear he couldn’t take care of him properly. He also has a horrible temper and I really have to watch what I say and be very gentle with him or he’ll break down and start screaming and stomping around. He’s punched several holes in our walls over very trivial things. He has blamed me for his depression, saying I’m a terrible wife, calling me names and saying it’s my responsibility to help him get better.

To be honest, I’ve been thinking about leaving him. I hate it, but I feel that he’s just never going to do anything to help himself. I don’t know how to help him. I feel alone and I feel exhausted. Working, school and housework are tough and having an adult here who isn’t able to help makes it worse. This has been going on for years. Am I wrong to feel his way? I’ve been to counseling and was basically told I’d be better off leaving. One of the big reasons I haven’t is because I have no family of my own and I love his family. His family is great and is so great with our son. They’re disapproving of my husband and what’s been going on these last few years. I also love him and miss who he used to be. I still see glimpses of the old him sometimes and it gives me hope things are going to get better someday, so I feel stuck.

Comments (21)

Impropriety managing depression or any MI is one of my HTDO. Given what you have shared, I would absolutely leave now at least for a trial separation if he refused therapy and further adjustments to his medication(s).

Husband won’t work, depression

I need some outside perspective. My husband and I met in the military and have been married 6 years. I left the military shortly after our son was born and was a stay at home mom for a little while. He stayed in. I took care of everything at home and eventually started working evenings and then started college. I continued to do everything around the house, I even took care of the lawn and cars. My husband started to get into these really bad moods and sometimes would just not go in to work. He’d just lay in bed all day. He was diagnosed with severe depression and left the military over it. I just want to add that this isn’t a PTSD issue. He was never in any sort of combat or in any stressful type of situation.

Fast forward to today. I’ve become an RN and work full time. I also go to school full time and I take care of everything at home. Our child is in daycare full time. My husband sleeps all day and plays video games all night. To those who don’t know, we look perfect. As of right now no one knows he was fired from his last job which only lasted 2 months. He’s worked 8 months in the last 3 years. A few weeks ago I begged him to go to counseling but he refused. He is on medication for depression and it’s been switched several times but nothing seems to work. He is either exhausted or sick nearly every day. Since our son was born he has left the house alone with him exactly 6 times. 6 times in nearly 5 years. He isn’t able to be a stay at home dad. We tried that and within a week it was clear he couldn’t take care of him properly. He also has a horrible temper and I really have to watch what I say and be very gentle with him or he’ll break down and start screaming and stomping around. He’s punched several holes in our walls over very trivial things. He has blamed me for his depression, saying I’m a terrible wife, calling me names and saying it’s my responsibility to help him get better.

To be honest, I’ve been thinking about leaving him. I hate it, but I feel that he’s just never going to do anything to help himself. I don’t know how to help him. I feel alone and I feel exhausted. Working, school and housework are tough and having an adult here who isn’t able to help makes it worse. This has been going on for years. Am I wrong to feel his way? I’ve been to counseling and was basically told I’d be better off leaving. One of the big reasons I haven’t is because I have no family of my own and I love his family. His family is great and is so great with our son. They’re disapproving of my husband and what’s been going on these last few years. I also love him and miss who he used to be. I still see glimpses of the old him sometimes and it gives me hope things are going to get better someday, so I feel stuck.

--

"If I were a peacock tail, all 100 of my ass-eyes would have just rolled at you simultaneously."

Oh wow, this sounds like an awful situation to be in. It is not ok to live in violence first and foremost. Punching walls, you need to get out. Sometimes people get in to this vicious cycle of dependency on each other, him for you to ‘look after him and make him better’, you to gain a family..? You should still have his family since they’re your kids family. It’s easy for me to say, but I really would be out of there on a trial seperation basis. No paying his bills etc. Then reassess over time. Only he can fix himself

I can see what you’re saying here, but she’s put up with it long enough, he’s not helping himself. If what you’ve been doing isn’t working, change what you’re doing. It doesn’t have to be the end of the road but it really takes two to make it work... he’s a drain, only taking... carrying on the same and praying things change is not a good idea...

He needs much more than pills to get himself straightened out. He needs to be learning better coping strategies, and working closely with an actual psychiatrist to get his medication right. This sounds like way more than just depression - and if it's something like bipolar, well some of the meds they use for depression make things like bipolar worse. He needs an actual evaluation, diagnosis, and treatment plan.

You are not responsible for his mental health. Yes, as wife, you're on the hook for going along with things that his doctor suggests. (like if he suggests a particular wording, or way to approach a difference of opinion) but you aren't on the hook to fix him. It's like if he had a broken leg. Yeah, you would need to do things like bring him dinner and help him get around, drive him to therapy, that sort of thing, and it would be a pain in the ass for a while. But you would't be the appropriate person to perform the surgery needed to properly set the bone. And if he needed to go to a specialist for surgery, it wouldn't be your fault when he didn't.

Same with mental health. You're on the hook to try his doctor's suggestions (within reason, of course, and assuming he finds a good psych) But you can't fix him. You can't be perfect enough to overcome whatever mental illness he's suffering from.

I would either get out until he's under someone's treatment plan, or, if I was feeling generous, I'd hand him a timeline of expectations. 1 week to find qualified professionals. Diagnosis and treatment to happen as soon as possible (Dr schedules are ridiculous in today's world, he needs to get in as soon as he can) 30 days to find his next job, and he has to keep iit.

You are absolutely not wrong to feel this way. Taking medication is just one part of treatment for mental illness. It also requires therapy and active self-engagement. Your husband needs to get into therapy ASAP and he has to be willing to do the very hard work that it's going to take to become well. All of that requires him taking the steps. You are not his legs. If he won't do the work, you really don't have much of a choice, IMO. This is not sustainable or healthy in any way for any of you. It is completely unfair of him to put this on you and to do no work to get there. Mental illness does not care about fair, though.
Can you talk to any of his family about this and enlist someone's help that he would accept? It can all be extremely daunting for someone with severe depression. Hell, getting a glass of water can be daunting but it's necessary. You have so much on your plate already so having someone else who can help him find a therapist, take him to appointments, etc. may ease the burden and make it easier for him to take the steps.

Are you really okay for letting your child grow up and seeing that that's how 'mommy' should be treated or even how he treats others. You are enabling him, and it is so hard about thinking about leaving him but it needs to be done at least temporarily so that he can fix himself to be a good father and husband. I'm so sorry that you are going through this but I'm sure his side of the family will still be there for you because you are part of his family if you really explain what's been going on.

If you look like the perfect family no one is going to know how you and your child are suffering on the day to day. I wish the best of luck to you.

This Internet site provides information of a general nature and is designed for educational purposes only. If you have any concerns about your own health or the health of your child, you should always consult with a physician or other healthcare professional. Please review the Terms of Use before using this site. Your use of the site indicates your agreement to be bound by the Terms of Use.

This site is published by BabyCenter, L.L.C., which is responsible for its contents as further described and qualified in the Terms of Use.

You are passing a message to a BabyCenter staff member.
For the fastest help on community guidelines violations, please click 'Report this' on the item you wish the staff to review.
For general help please read our Help section or contact us.