Sears and Kmart Try To Corner The Failing Retail Stores Market!

Unconfirmed sources report that Sears and Kmart officials are making a concerted effort to corner the Failing Retail Stores market. Retail experts are shocked by the boldness of the plan. If the newly merged company can pull it off they will control nearly all of the nations failing retail stores.

“I just can’t believe it.” Said Henry R. Kravis, founder of leverage buyout house Kohlberg, Kravitz, Roberts & Co. “These guys are trying to turn the retail world on its head. If they can pull it off they will really be in the drivers seat when it comes to failing retail stores. I wish I had the guts to pull off a coup like this, I’m in awe.”

The new company, Sears Holding Co., has apparently started a massive buying spree of failing retail stores. The purchase of the Kmart Group is only the first of many acquisitions. Our sources would not identify any future targets, but said any retail store that is losing money could be snapped up in this consolidation attempt.

Sears officials deny reports that they are trying to corner the market on failing retail stores. Instead they claim that the purchase of Kmart is a land acquisition play and part of a business strategy they have been following for several years.

“This is a dumb move.” Says retail sales expert Rick Segel. “This is like tying two rocks together and hoping they will float. I don’t see how a deal like this is going to do anything other than speed the demise of a large segment of the nations failing retail stores. Maybe these guys have something else in mind besides making money? Maybe they plan on driving the thing into the ground and then selling the whole pile to Wal-Mart. Who knows?”

Sears Chairman, Alan Lacy, denies that the merger is rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. “This is a good business. Sure all of our stores are losing a little bit of money, but when we get thousands of money losers together we are going to make it up on volume.”

Unconfirmed Sources political satire and news story parodies as represented above are written as satire or parody. They are, of course, fictitious.