Ohio University Spring Semester HorOUscopes

If there’s one thing we’re known for here at The Black Sheep, it’s obviously astrology (not astronomy – we took that last fall and only got a B-). With a new year upon us and a new semester with it, we thought we’d share with you what’s going to happen to you this spring, which we know because of when you were born and the fact that we’ve been watching you constantly for the last month the position of various celestial bodies.

Aries: Planning ahead can often pay off, and this semester is no exception, Aries. This semester, you’ll accomplish something you’ve been working toward for a long time, but you’ll also step in gum every Monday, no matter how much you plan not to.

Taurus: You’ll get to watch a bird poop on the head of someone you don’t like and it will be something you remember for decades to come.

Gemini: This semester will be especially significant for you because you’ll either learn that you have a long-lost twin from whom you were separated at birth or one day you’ll get really creative while making a sandwich and it will turn out really well. We don’t know which it will be, but it’s definitely one of the two.

Cancer: All your dreams will come true, even the scary ones where all your teeth fall out. Like a beautiful butterfly emerging from its chrysalis, you’ll eat a high-sodium diet and use your long antennae to smell your surroundings.

Leo: You’re going to pet an actual lion. Don’t question us on this, just shut up and pet it.

Virgo: This will be your last semester at OU. If you’re graduating, congratulations! You probably already assumed this. If you’re a sophomore . . . we’re sorry you had to find out this way. If you’re President McDavis, you’re also leaving, but you’re reading the wrong section; you’re a Libra, you idiot.

Libra: There you go, Roddy McD. Now you’re reading the right part. Anyway, things look bad for Libra. Not to point fingers, but it’s totally Jupiter’s fault. Jupiter is an asshole and this semester it’s decided to take it out on Libra.

Scorpio: You’ll pay for a really expensive textbook that you’ll only open twice. Because of Mercury or something, there’s a solid chance you’ll also get hit by a car, but it’ll drive away before you can collect the driver’s insurance information. Sorry, Scorpio.

Sagittarius: Stay away from fests this year, Sagittarius; otherwise you’ll end up losing your favorite shoes to the mud. Now, you may be thinking, “what if I just don’t wear my favorite shoes during fest season?” Well, it won’t matter. Even if you leave your favorite shoes at home while attending a fest, an old troll will break your window, sneak inside, and fill your shoes with mud. It’s really just not worth the risk, in our opinion.

Capricorn: The word “corn” can be found in the word “Capricorn,” and for once this is actually relevant. Every Capricorn will, without exception, drop out of school and become a corn farmer.

Aquarius: A bird is going to poop on your head. Also, you didn’t hear this from us, but Taurus doesn’t like you.

Pisces: Oh, Pisces. Pisces, Pisces, Pisces. This is going to be your semester to shine, you sparkly little fish, you. You’re going to find at least $3 worth of change on the ground before March and your last class on Thursdays will always let out 10 minutes early. You’re also going to get that thing you want. Good for you!