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Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Confession Time

I was just emotionally able to take down the formula instructions for going home from the NICU from where I had posted them in the kitchen. I have wanted to for a couple weeks. I would think I was ready, but then by the time I could get over to the cabinet to pull them down, I had lost the nerve.

I also took down the sweet sticky notes my sister Ellen brought with a meal.

Some hurts take strangely long to heal. Why were those things so difficult to take down? I haven't used those formula instructions beyond the first month or so that Ilse was home. They were terrible instructions.

Maybe I kept them up there to remind me of a few things...

Like, don't be arrogant. Why (?!?!) did I have the dietician give me formula instructions in grams instead of teaspoons? Because I had a scale and I wanted to be exact. Arrogant.

Like, how hard it was to get up in the night and pump, mix a stronger dose of milk, clean up barf, stay awake with a screaming baby and not know what to do, be angry at Tim because he was asleep... :)

I don't know. Taking them down is a definite sign of healing. My baby is almost a year old. It is time to let a few things go. I have systematically been making piles of clothes to hand to baby Livvie, and if I keep the piles around a few extra days instead of rushing them out the door, I inevitably find myself able to add clothes I previously had decided to keep as memories. That nightgown that I bought especialy for Ilse.... I had Marcus bring it to the hospital thinking we would dress Ilse in it and come home. She was never able to wear it, but more than likely little Livvie can, and now I am ready to pass it to her.

Healing comes at the strangest times. Maybe it's when God thinks you need an extra dose of His grace and mercy. Maybe that's when He takes some pain away. Maybe all the pain will never be completely gone, but this is certain, cuddle time with Ilse is more important to me than time spent organizing her old clothes or even pumping milk for her, even if the loss of those things hurts just a little.

I am a recipient of God's generosity on a grandiose scale. His gifts never cease to amaze me, even when the gift is something as simple as the ability to take down formula instructions.