The Crazy Making Ex: Bends, Twists And Projections

When it came to negative traits my ex was heavily weighed down (I’m assuming he still is) and I was the outside “force” he chose to blame it all on.

I opened the email and read, “Cathy, make sure that Taylor has proper clothes packed for our trip to Seattle.” I thought to myself, “Who the hell do you think you are talking to?”

My children had always been spit shined and dressed to the nines! And he had NOTHING to do with it.

My ex was a genius when it came to projecting his own shortcomings off onto me. When he and I met he was wearing topsiders that were losing their soles and cut off blue jeans with holes. He purchased his first pair of Khaki pants at my urging. I threw in a button down shirt for good measure. And here he was, telling me to make sure our children were properly clothed!

Everything he did slipped right off of him and stuck to me like glue. He would go for months without talking to or seeing the boys but they always eventually heard from him. And his explanation for his absence always had something to do with some behavior of mine. “Your mother has a new phone number and didn’t share it with me.” Or some such twaddle.

Two and a half years after the divorce I made the decision to move to another state. We would be living 4 hours apart. I emailed and informed him of the move, offered him extra time in the summer during visitation, to meet him half way every other weekend and to give him more time during holiday visitations.

I didn’t expect him to take me up on my offer of more visitation time during the summer. He could have the boys for a month during summer vacation but had not taken advantage of that time since our divorce. I did, however, expect him to take advantage of me meeting him half way every other weekend and extra time during holiday visitation.

You would have thought that with my experience during the marriage and since the divorce that I would have known to keep my expectations low. That I would have expected him to take advantage of the ability to twist it, bend it and project off onto me his own warped personality deficiencies instead of respond reasonably to my move.

Silly me!

Placing Blame

Projection is the psychological phenomenon where someone thinks everyone else is doing and thinking what they are doing and thinking. It is usually seen as the externalization of a person’s negative traits, placing blame on an outside force such as the environment, a government, a society or other people.

When it came to negative traits my ex was heavily weighed down (I’m assuming he still is) and I was the outside “force” he chose to blame it all on.

Lucky me!

A Fine Example

The ex’s response to my “I’m moving” email is a text book example of projection. The man projected twenty years worth of his junk off onto me in one email. If I was leaving the state he was damn sure going to make sure I took along some extra baggage!

Example I

“Taking this action without consulting me is completely outside the realm of common decency”

He made the decision to divorce without “consulting” me. He went to our children’s schools, checked them out of school and told them we were divorcing before I even knew there was to be a divorce. When I, shockingly, found out through a third party…my children that he wanted a divorce and ask him for an explanation he told me, “I don’t owe you an explanation.”

And he had the audacity to tell me that giving him a months’ notice of my move lacked “common decency.” PROJECTION!

Example II

“It’s also a direct violation of the divorce decree,”

Not true! I had checked the decree, checked with my attorney and checked state divorce laws pertaining to relocation after divorce. My move was within my legal rights.

He, on the other hand, had defied EVERY aspect of our divorce decree from the day he signed it. He defied the decree directly and indirectly. I think he read that damn decree while eating his cereal every morning, checking off ways in which he could defy it. He should have changed his name to “Refuse to Obey Meyer.”

But here he was pointing fingers and accusing me of violating something that held no meaning to him? PROJECTION!

Example III

“The suddenness with which you have made and acted upon this decision indicates you are acting out of self-interest.”

Ten days before he decided he “had to have” a divorce he told me he couldn’t imagine life without me. He was looking forward to the next 50 years. The day he left we were getting ready for church when he picked up his car keys and said he was going for a coke. He never came home again.

I had urged we see a counselor before rushing into a divorce 2 and ½ years earlier. He had not responded to my request for counseling. Until the “I’m moving” email and the term “window dressing” jumped out at me like a snake ready to strike.

It is a term that my therapist had used with me to describe our marriage. “During your marriage, your husband created a deceptively favorable impression as a husband and father but none of it was real, it was all window dressing.”

That is what narcissists do best, though, create deception and when called out on it point fingers outwardly. You see, my offer to attend counseling was sincere. He knew however that if he had agreed it would be more of the same from him…window dressing. PROJECTION

I remember sharing his email with my therapist who shook his head and said, “That is one insecure, vulnerable man.” It was at that moment that I decided to stop allowing his anxiety to cause me anxiety. Something I hope you will consider doing if you are dealing with someone who bends, twists and projects.

More For You

About the Author

Cathy is a Master Certified Relationship Coach and certified Marriage Educator. She is also the Managing Editor of DivorcedMoms.com. For 11 years, Cathy was the About.com Expert to Divorce Support where she covered all aspects of the divorce process. And in her spare time she blogs for the Divorce vertical of Read More

Comments

Omg you are so on target. During my marriage to Ted, I used to sarcastically ask if the war was my fault too. Since the divorce he has tried to sell everyone that I am the narcissist. Ted can’t project enough onto me. If he can not directly blame me for one of his actions, he will twist the story to extreme and untrue proportions so he can. Thank you for helping me better understand.

Unfortunately, I can really relate to this article. My ex blames me for everything that has ever gone in his life. It is so difficult to deal with someone who considers you their arch-enemy and torturer. I try not to engage, but I feel as though I need to defend myself against his false accusations and exaggerations. My children are adversly affected by this as well. My 13 year old son told me the other day that he will never get married, because if you divorce, your ex wife steals all of your money and property. Steals. These NPD dudes suck.

Bella, I’ve often wondered what a little self-inventory would mean for my ex. Proably emotional destruction. These guys do HORRIBLE things and the degree of projection is very telling about how they feel about themselves subconsciously. They are the worst dog on the block, they know it and that is darn hard to live with…project it off onto someone else.

MondernMartiarch, I am the root of all evil in my ex’s mind. I used to worry about that, would roll over and play nice doggy to try and prove I wasn’t. Once I got past that stage I would defend myself against his nonsense. I have seen the negative effects it can have on children. It bleeds off onto them or they are either drawn into it and used as a tool against us.

I found that when I stop responding to the projection he withdrew. And that is when he remarried and found himself someone else to blame for his sorry life. I hope you told your child what he needed to know about women “stealing” money and property. Let him know both sides of the story so he can make an informed decision about whether or not he ever marries. The nimrod should be beat for playing games with his own kids head!

Hear Hear! Well said! I love “…Once I got past that stage…” I almost totally past it, I fall back into that pit occasionally. Usually the idiot grabs me by the ankle, and gets me in up to my knee… ughh! But perseverance will serve me well!

Projection is insidious because the disordered individuals who resort to this primitive defense mechanism are mostly unaware of their projections. Thus, they can appear quite convincing. It was not until my ex decided to leave the marriage (spontaneously and impulsively, much like yours, Cathy — though he didn’t literally duck out) and went through a relatively unstable period that I began to be aware of his projections. Prior to that, I was convinced that my unhappiness with him was 100 percent my fault, that I was “incapable of trust” and had “no self esteem” — a bad and inadequate person. He had been offloading his feelings of badness on to me for years, and I didn’t realize it. This is the main thing that makes narcissistic abuse so hard to recover from even after the fool is gone.

Valerie, I used to go to my therapist and come home, my ex would ask, “what did he say about me”? On some level he knew he had issues but he was quite satisfied with me carrying the burden of them. In fact the more I grew to loath myself the more he seemed to enjoy my company. The more inferior I felt, the more superior he felt. For way too long we were perfectly matched 🙂

After our divorce my son’s therapist, who had had many conversations with my ex told me that if he ever had to face his own problems it would be “tantamount to emotional destruction.” It can be very disconcerting when a trained professional hints at just how messed up someone you trusted and had faith in is.

And you are so correct, this kind of abuse is very hard to recover from. I’d go as far as saying there are aspects of it that I will never recover from.

Divorcing my pathalogical liar of an ex husband, was the most freeing thing I could have done! After he walked out, the sense of relief I felt was INCREDIBLE. I never realized, or perhaps the better word would be ignored; how he was drowning me in his pathetic choices.

You know that sense of relief you get when watching a horror movie, and the monster is finally slain? That is the sense of relief I felt; it was over, it was finally over. That being said, it has not been an easy venture, he has blaimed me for everything, hasnt seen the kids in over 2 years, and keeps harrasing me when things arent going his way.

But I have prevailed, I will continue to prevail and prosper! My biggest regret is that I didnt do it sooner, staying together for the kids was not a good idea.

Slaying a monster is a great analogy Terrie. If he is anything like my ex you will spend a few years beating him off until he finally gets the message. Strange how they can completely turn their backs on their children but still remain engaged in conflict with the ex. It’s hard for a control freak to give up control!

Slaying a monster is a great analogy Terrie. If he is anything like my ex you will spend a few years beating him off until he finally gets the message. Strange how they can completely turn their backs on their children but still remain engaged in conflict with the ex. It’s hard for a control freak to give up control!

I was wondering if any of your readers that are divorced from a narcassit have a joint custody situation in which the narcassit is trying to turn the kids against you? I have had so many issues with my ex from bad mouthing me to my kids, buying their love, letting them do whatever they want, and not making them do homework on top of harrassing me non stop in emails and finding grey areas in the divorce decree that he can manipulate to his benefit.

I gave up my career to stay at home and handle everything while he furthered his education and career. He is the one that had the affair and continued to do so while in counseling for 6 months but somehow how so much annimoisty towards me…

He is now a CIO and I am a middle aged, under employed, poverty level mom who had her ass handed to her in court because I could not afford to pay my attorney.

I am just looking for fairness, a way to coparent and for my kids to have a happy and healthy life. Is there a possibilty of achieving that with a narcassistic ex?

Hi Jennifer, it was never possible to achieve a civil co-parenting relationship in my situation. If he is a true narcissist, I doubt he will ever be willing to put the children first. Attempting to alienate them from you is common practice for someone with this personality trait. I looked for fairness also and never found it. My best advice is to not engage with him and to behave in a manner around your children that makes everything he says about you, to them, a lie. Good luck!

oh my! Thank you so much! This hits the nail on the head. Last week my teenage girls got into a fight over make-up at their dads house. His response to this was to tell them that “they are insecure just like their mother and their fight and wanting to wear make-up was all my fault because I’ve taught them to be insecure.” Obviously this is a blatantly ridiculous statement, but I’ve been dealing with his projections for so long that I actually questioned if any part of that was true. I used to see his projections as hypocrisy, but I’m coming to realize that he really does beleive the things he says, vs. what he does belongs to anyone else other than himself.

Oh WOW! I’ve been married for 41 year. Yes, I’m a fool and should have that tattooed across my forehead. I could never peg what was ‘off’ about my husband and for years thought he was passive-aggressive, but it never really fit. I see now is is a Covert Aggressive. It fits so perfectly. Good advive about keeping your cool because I have been looking like a crazed person, all projection.

I am about to become a Ghost Dad . I have not ever been late for payments and an amazing step dad to another woman’s kids. I never get to see my kids because my crazy X accussed me of child abuse. So guess what I did, I got a lie detector test for both my kids to prove my point. Now, she says I (likely) did something to her daughters, well that turned out to be a lie as well because her daughters already were questioned by the cops. So, here I am no kids. A;so, I am a veteran having a terrible time with and anxiety problem which can cause me to have terrible convulsions. I refuse to get a a lawyer having already spent $68000 and my lawyer tried to convince me to give custody to my X 4 years ago. I guess the ptsd confused her because I do exhibit difficulty with some expressions where there is a stressful situation. I am accepting I will be loosing my children. Here is a bit of irony for ya. I was bullied so extensively as to cause me to consider a vasectomy, never having children and avoiding the same stress I endured (I was a kid that got poisoned and a hospital visit back in 1966 which involved a stomach pump to remove 6 deadly nightshade berries. I wet the bed after that for 14 years straight and the kids were ungodly cruel. I discovered 52 years later I harbored a mental illness defined as a personality shift with ptsd to boot. Veterans has me on the marijuana program and it has served me well. One big problem I have is I was stung by a lawyer and the financial stress is almost crippling me emotionally to think of it. I cannot afford a profession I do not trust. Duty counsel has reviewed my file which I have ignored because my focus and want to sit and read such crap just upsets me. The peperwork in there was reviewed by a lady friend who is skilled with court papers and she discovered the system was not worried about me but the grandfather or a friend of his but I still will be loosing my kids. My X convinced me to get reconnected and after 20 years I have a couple of kids, a boy and girl 10 and 6. I have not seen them since my sons 7th birthday when my X sent me a lawyer letter accusing me of having sex with my son, like what the hell..

All that drama has caused me to look at alternatives and realize I am not going to heal from my illness if I have to deal with the conflict and I realize the gravity of the situation for my kids. I have discovered the kids are not unhappy and they do not appear to have developmental problem although my X never sends me report cards, pictures or anything. I have called her lawyer a dumass for not reading the court file which states “the grandfather or a friend of his is a concern after interviews with the kids.” nothing about me in there but I have been denied visitation and a protection order put against me after I had a friend serve my head court papers and her lawyer argued I was harassing her, I video taped the whole serving event and there was no laughing at the X nothing like that at all. Yep, I am tired of this crap and really had enough of this crap. My kids will be fine and I will pay my support without question but this guy whoes kids did love him but never got to know me are about to have a ghost dad and frankly, I can’t wait to go to court to just say that “she can have the custody” I will explain my reasons and leave the court. I rony is this, I love kids and got a vasectomy for two reasons. My first wife did not want kids because she was older and I did not want any of my kids to endure the bullying I put up with. i MET MY SECOND WIFE WHO CONVINCED ME TO RECONNECT AND THEN NOT LONG AFTER i LOOSE MY KIDS. I dont want anymore stress I want a happy life and I want to heal. The fighting will eventually cause me to by a nitrogen cylinder of inert gas and I would have committed suicide 3 years ago. The court does not know this but my X tried to do it 3 times after birth and it was her that changed the dynamic, she is a different person, more vindictive that will to understand my crap.

I am a portion of the male population who fall through the cracks of family court because of so much drama. I expect in a few years, my kids will look for me and they can read the court documents and decide for themselves if they really like their mother for alienating the father. I guess I will never know till a few years from now, How sad..