Working one day at a time on sobriety, often winning, but sometimes losing.

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I haven’t had much to say lately, just living life on life’s terms and getting by one day at a time.

I saw this online today, and it really resonated with me.

I hope you all enjoy it.

A few years ago, my wife, Kia Miller, led a yoga retreat for about 30 people in Costa Rica. Six of us there were in recovery from addiction. Within a day, we kind of discovered each other, as we often do. It usually happens through certain telltale words and phrases that we have come to use as a result of our involvement in 12-Step recovery.

One night, we decided to have a meeting amongst ourselves and gathered around an out-of-the-way table. Another man in our group saw us together there and humbly asked if he could sit in. He had never been to a 12-Step meeting, but wanted to experience it. We were grateful to have him join.

One by one we briefly shared about our journey in recovery to this point. The shares were honest and powerful. There was a feeling of true connection. We were at once completely different from one another, yet so much the same.

The newcomer shared last and by this point he had heard a lot more than I think he was ready for. Hesitantly and with an apologetic demeanor, he stated that he drank regularly and had no intention of stopping. He explained further that he drank pretty much every evening. Sometimes he would get good and drunk. Other times just a little bit. He did admit that he was a bit concerned about the frequency and amount he was drinking, but despite his concerns, he was adamant that drinking was a normal part of life and he mostly enjoyed it. With each sentence, as he further bolstered his position, he kept apologizing for himself while the rest of us encouraged him to simply state his truth.

When the meeting was over, he took me to the side and said, “Tommy, I’m so sorry for what I did.”

“What did you do?” I asked sincerely.

He said, “You all are not able to drink and here I am, a guy who is stating that I can drink. I’m rubbing it in your faces. I can only imagine that this must be hard for you all.”

There was this awkward moment where I realized he thought we were jealous of him. I felt terrible for him in that moment. From his point of view, a life without drinking alcohol could not be a good life and anyone who HAD to stay sober must be terribly jealous of those fortunates who could happily imbibe. He could not conceive of the idea that we were truly happy and content NOT to be drinkers. He could not imagine that we would not change places with him under any circumstances.

This was a profound exchange for me. I saw through this man’s perspective how most of our society thinks. The majority of people in the United States drink alcohol regularly. Most people who drink think that people who don’t drink are, at best, missing something and, at worst, are living in what they imagine to be a depressed state of sobriety. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I have not had a drug or drink for 23 years. When I first gave up those things, I, too, was in a deluded state of mind where I could not imagine life without alcohol and drugs. How would I get through the day? How would I connect with anyone? What would I do to pass the time? What would I do to cut my anxiety? The life I had known and built for myself revolved around drugs and alcohol. Thus, it was impossible at that moment for me to know what a life could be without those things.

I remember what it felt like to be in the “in between” phase. I knew I could not continue to live the way I had been, but I preferred to try to make it work than surrender to the idea that I had to let go of my way of life (read: my precious drugs and alcohol) and build something new.

This is the great challenge for anyone who gets sober. One must build a new way of being seemingly from scratch without knowing in advance what this is going to look like and how it is going to feel. To get clean and sober is to build a new identity, one much more rooted in truth and presence than illusion and avoidance. At first it is challenging, but ultimately it is immensely rewarding. And I believe this would be the case for nearly anyone, not just alcoholics and addicts who have to give it up.

I was speaking with my friend, Grant Johnson, recently who a little over a year ago, decided to stop drinking alcohol. Grant does not consider himself to be an alcoholic, but he did not like the overall effect that alcohol was having on his life. He let it go and now has had a year of experience with a different approach. This is not a person who, quietly desperate, counts the minutes till he can drink again. In fact, he is not thinking about it. He’s just out there living his life and reaping the benefits of a person who happens not to drink. Grant told me that to not drink is such an act of strength that he actually considers it to be a “superpower”. I just love that.

If you are like me and had to get sober, you may come to know that “in between” phase. It might just suck for a while as you develop a new life for yourself. Hang in there and allow yourself to develop. It takes time and therefore patience. It takes action and vigilance. It takes support and love.

While there are those people who unfortunately get stuck in recovery and do not grow beyond their misery, this is neither the norm, nor necessary. Do not fall prey to the mistaken idea that people in recovery and others who simply decide not to drink are miserable and longing to drink again.

The emphasis has to be on well-being. My recovery mantra is: “Don’t just survive addiction. Thrive in recovery.” I believe people in recovery must work toward the great shift from staying sober out of fear and necessity to staying sober out of love for the life they get to live as the result of staying sober. Once a person has made this shift, it is very likely they will excel in life.

My story is different than Grant’s. I had to stop because drugs and alcohol nearly killed me, but today, Grant and I share something in common. We have developed a superpower. Neither of us drinks and we are not concerned about whether we ever do again.

I had to get up at 4:30 this morning to get my husband to the airport by 6 am for a 7 am flight. This is the first time he has taken this flight since I have gotten sober. Having to drive him to the airport for this particular flight used to be my worst nightmare.

A lot of strategizing had to go into my drinking the night prior. I wanted to be alert enough and not feeling too crappy when I had to get up at that god for saken hour. Logistics and planning were important. I wanted to get drunk, but not TOO drunk. It was all about obtaining that certain level of numbness, drunkenness, and inebriation. Once that level was reached, I was successful, the goal has been achieved, and therefore I could go to bed.

I would then take my two Alleve, and a Valium hoping to stave off a nasty hangover, especially with the “sleep” time being cut short. I would awaken throughout the night to check the time to see how much longer I could lie prone, my body doing something that was supposed to resemble sleep.

I still woke up, every time, feeling like crap. I would drag my butt to the coffee pot, slug down two cups, put on sweats and load into the car. Half drugged on the Valium, half hung over. I couldn’t wait to get this god awful chore over with so that I could go back to bed.

I would drop him off quickly, and head home. Once there I would take another Valium and go back to bed for however long my alcohol ravaged body would let me rest on this go round.

What a way to live, huh?

What a difference 339 days makes. When the alarm went off at 4:30, I walked out and got a cup of coffee. I then went back into the bedroom where I made the bed, washed my face and put on my running clothes.

I sat down at my computer, read my email, cruised through Facebook, and took a quick glance at WordPress. It was time to go, I grabbed my list of things to do off my desk, along with my Ipod, a to go coffee and got in the drivers seat. I had the hubs at the airport by 5:50, and was walking in the door of Wal-Mart at 6am. (BTW, great time to shop, NO ONE is in there, imagine??) I got the shopping done, and headed to Lowes where I picked up the brackets I needed to put the shelf that collapsed in the closet back up. (NO ONE is in Lowes at 7am either, just an FYI)

I was at the park for my run by 7:45. I pounded out 4.5 miles, and arrived right on time for my doctor’s appointment at 8:45.

The wait to see my doctor put a huge crimp in my schedule, but nonetheless, I was home by 11am. I took a shower, ate some lunch and went to work in the closet. I had that project completed, along with a closet purge by 2pm. I looks great, organized, color coordinated. It put me in my happy place.

I vacuumed the living room and kitchen, and then decided to sit down. I looked around and thought, wow I have accomplished a lot today, and I am not exhausted, a bit tired of course, but I can manage until bedtime.

I then thought about The AA Promises. I had been to a lot of Promises meetings over the summer. People qualifying about how great their lives have gotten since they got sober, and how the The Promises have come true. Not every day, but they are there. I kept thinking to myself, when am I going to feel that good about being sober? When are the Promise’s going to show themselves to me?

I saw them today, today was an incredible day. I never would have had this day if I was still guzzling white wine like it was Kool Aid.

Today, the Promises came true. Today, I am truly grateful to be sober.

In case none of you have figured it out yet, I am a life-long, rabid Patriots fan. I grew up in New England. I loved the Patriots when they were awful, then good, and now great.

I have followed the team through all of the good, bad and ugly years. I grew up on Patriots football, and beer. Booze goes with football, everyone knows it.

Since we moved south, the Patriots games are not televised here every Sunday. That didn’t keep me from drinking through all of the other Sunday NFL games that were on. Football season, license to crack open a bottle of wine at 1 pm!

There is something special for me about a Patriots game. It is bonding time with my son, and of course a time to have many glasses of wine.

This season I have had to watch most of the games on my computer. Doing that just isn’t as fun as watching it in High Definition on a 55 inch television screen. Computer viewing certainly did not trigger any alcohol cravings.

I can’t say the same for tonight’s game.

The Brady-Manning rivalry is legendary in the NFL. I think it is mostly media hype, but it certainly does add a large dose of excitement to the game.

This afternoons game was on national television. We actually got the game in my living room!

Along with the hype and excitement came a wave of craving for a big glass of white wine. Football and alcohol, especially when it is a big game, just go together.

My husband had his vodka and cranberry, my son had his beer, I had my seltzer and pomegranate juice. It just did not feel right. It didn’t feel like football.

i can handle these cravings better now, I know that they will pass, sometimes they linger for a while, sometimes they are instantaneous. I just have to wait them out. They are uncomfortable as I am going through them, and I keep wondering when they will stop, Everyone says they will, but as of today, I still seem to have multiple trigger points.

I got through it, and the game was awesome. It was a fantastic Patriots win. It was a romp, and as a hardcore fan, it was great to see Peyton Manning have a terrible game, and get a beat down by Tom Brady and the Patriots. Rob Gronkowski added to his growing legend, and Tom Brady was terrific. My favorite player, Julian Edelman, had an 84 yard punt return for a touchdown.

Julian Edelman was a 7th round draft pick. He is only 5′ 10” tall and 198 pounds. He was an unknown, no one could figure out what the Patriots were going to do with a small guy who had played quarterback in college. No one ever thought he would make the team. Edelman is one of the hardest working players on the team. He had to prove himself to everyone, and he has.

I feel the same way about my sobriety. Albeit, I am the one who thinks I am not good enough, and that I can’t stay sober. So, in the words of Julian Edelman, there are only two things I can do; I can prove ’em right, or I can prove ’em wrong. It is entirely up to me.

I live every sober day with the fear of relapse. It is always in the back of my mind. For all 333 days of sobriety, I have had 333 days of fear, fear of drinking again.

I often think that at this point in my sobriety, closing in on a year, I should not still be having cravings feeling triggers, or still be thinking about drinking, but I do and I am. This makes me nervous, and that translates into fear.

I am still aware of the drinking going on around me. I am not as hypervigilant as I was in the beginning, but it is still there. There are still certain visual triggers. Certain bottles of wine, names of vineyards, and family gatherings are all palatable trigger points.

I was at my home group meeting two weeks ago, and a gentleman shared a story. He was at a meeting where a man received his 19 year medallion. The holiday season was in full swing, and the man with 19 years disappeared from the weekly meeting he always attended. A month went by, he returned and picked up a 24 hour chip.

He had seen a holiday advertisment for Kahlua and coffee. He went out, bought a bottle of Kahlua, and proceeded to have just ONE. The next thing he remembers is waking up in detox.

I sat there flabbergasted. Thinking to myself, HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN??? WILL THAT HAPPEN TO ME?? WHEN WILL IT HAPPEN??

This past Monday night, I went to my home group with 12 the Hard Ways post, Back to Zero fresh in my mind. I was having a pre meeting meeting with one of the old timers. I was telling her about the blog post, and how it affected me, and how afraid I was that it was eventually and inevitably going to happen to me.

The meeting moderator asked for a topic for discussion, she threw COMPLACENCY and relapse on the table.

The discussion was enlightening.

I constantly hear the old timers say that staying sober has to be the number one priority of every day. I had listened to that so many times, but until Monday night’s discussion, I never really HEARD it.

My home group is mostly made up of old timers. The stories and the wisdom are fascinating. Everyone had a relapse story. Either their own or someone they had met along the way.

Each story ended the same way. The person in recovery stopped tending to their sobriety. They stopped going to meetings. They stopped doing their readings, they stopped meditating, the stopped tending the garden of sobriety. They stopped keeping it green.

Instead of getting up each day and doing the work, they told themselves; I got this, no problem. They became complacent.

As they were sharing, I began to think, great, more work to do. Then I realized, I am doing the work. I do it every day. I read sober blogs, my daily meditation, my Big Book, and my 12 & 12. I go to recovery websites, I read sober posts on Twitter, and Facebook. I text or talk to my incredible sponsor.

What I learned is I need to work at this program, come hell or high water. Whether my mother is dying, or my son is under- employed and living in my house, or I am knocked around by any of the other obstacles that life throws at me. I have to do the work to stay sober, every day. I can’t take a chance on thinking, I will do that work tomorrow, because that is the day I will end up drinking. I can’t become complacent.

I often wondered why my home group was filled with so many people with an amazing accumulation of years sober. Why did they still have to come to meetings? Aren’t they bored with the program after so many years? They may be but they can’t afford to become complacent.

I have worked very hard to get here. The fear of relapse is still there, but now I look at it as a positive emotion, it will remind me to do the work that will keep me sober.

As I was drifting off to sleep last night, I was thinking about how much my life has changed since getting sober. The first change being that I was DRIFTING OFF TO SLEEP, not passing out. There are times that sleep comes quickly, and other nights I lie there and thoughts drift through my head. This is what came to me last night.

I want to THANK each and every one of you who has taken time to read my blog, follow my story, and add comments.

The evening I read the Good Housekeeping article about Amy from Soberbia, and Belle from Tired of Thinking about Drinking, was life changing. I emailed Belle from the gym the next day, where I was trying to sweat out another hang over. I WAS Tired of Thinking about Drinking, sick and tired. I told her I was ready to start the 100 day Challenge, sign me up.

Unfortunately, there was still a half of a bottle of wine in the refrigerator, I drank it, as any good alcoholic would, because it should not go to waste, and who else would get rid of it if I didn’t?

The next day, I had to email Belle and tell her to restart my Day 1. That day was 11/30/2013. I have not had a drink since.

I relied on Belle and her Team 100 for quite some time. As I got deeper into the blogging world, I began to read about AA and what a fantastic program it was, and how many people had found kindred souls and fantastic mental help through the program. It took me about 3 weeks to get enough courage to walk through the doors.

I threw myself into the program. I went and bought the books, started the reading, attended all sorts of meetings trying to find the place I could call home. I had some good experiences and some bad ones, but I kept at it until I found that comfortable spot and people I could relate to.

I then went on a quest for a sponsor. One of the men at my home meeting gave me his wife’s number. We met, but did not click. I posted about my struggle to find a sponsor, and a wonderful sober blogger offered to do it. She became my sponsor in April, and I haven’t looked back.

Ours is an unusual situation, I would imagine. We live in different states. We have had to make our relationship work via email, text and telephone. I remember how fast my heart was beating during our first telephone call, I was scared. Since that time, she has become not only my sponsor, but my confidant, my close friend, and my true north. We finally got to meet during my travels this summer, and it was like we had been friends forever. Thank you, M, I truly love you.

Thank you to all of you. Thank you to Belle, Amy, to Christy at Running on Sober, to Paul at Message in A Bottle and Jeni, who all helped me in early sobriety. I mean really, really helped me, as in throwing me continuous life preservers while drowning help.

Thank you to all the other wonderful bloggers who have stopped by to leave me tidbits of wisdom while I wind my way down this ever changing path of sobriety. I truly would not be here without you. I begin and end my days reading your words.. Every one of you have added some wisdom to some part of my journey.

I wouldn’t be here without you. Thank you. I am truly blessed to have found this wonderful world.

What Effects does Alcohol Have on the Body?
Alcoholism is an overwhelmingly present issue. It is a very powerful and damaging disease that is very capable of taking your health for a horrific downfall if left untreated.

With the consistent abuse of alcohol or someone suffering from alcoholism, there are short- and long-term effects on the body. But what someone may not realize is that the short-term all too often turns into the long-term and then you have reached an entirely new obstacle.

So what happens when you drink alcohol? Sure, it all seems well and good until you over drink. Who has ever had an experience in which you drank too much, became ill and swore off drinking all together! I know I have.

However, one thing is certain: Continuing to consume alcohol will bring upon uninhibited feelings tied with possible dizziness, slurred speech, possible aggressiveness and violence, emotional ups and downs and a sense of false well-being. Then you can look forward to the next day…the infamous hangover. A typical hangover which results from too much alcohol will cause headache, nausea, and fatigue.

While many people consume alcohol and willingly endure these short-term effects without having any sort of trouble or difficulty stopping, some aren’t so willing to stop and become addicted. However, there are still short term effects that should be noted.

Short-Term Effects

Alcohol is absorbed into our system through the walls of our stomach and intestines, which is why people get intoxicated more quickly on an empty stomach. Alcohol is processed by the liver, which is the only organ that produces the proper enzyme. When a person is drunk, they generally go through different “stages.” Starting with euphoria, as a person drinks alcohol they move into a stage of lethargy, followed by confusion, stupor, and coma or death.

Here is a list of some of the common short-term effects of alcohol on our bodies, which worsen and can become severe or life-threatening as more alcohol is consumed.

For people who drink a lot of alcohol on a regular basis, the effects on their body can be quite significant. The liver is the part of the body that’s most affected. Long-term alcohol use can lead to a fatty liver, fibrosis, cirrhosis, and inflammation. The liver will not work as well and fewer nutrients and oxygen will reach the liver cells, which will eventually lead to liver failure.

Here is a list of more parts of the body that are affected by frequent alcohol consumption and how they’re affected:

Heart: Heavy drinking can raise blood pressure and lead to heart arrhythmias, cardiomyopathy, and stroke.
Brain: The brain’s communication pathways are impaired, which causes many of the short-term effects of alcohol, such as lack of coordination and memory. With heavy drinking, some damage to the brain and its communication pathways can be permanent.
Pancreas: Alcohol makes the pancreas produce a toxic substance that can lead to a swollen pancreas and swollen blood vessels in the pancreas, which impairs digestion.
Kidneys: Alcohol enlarges the kidneys, impairs their ability to function, and can lead to kidney disease and kidney failure.
Immune System: Heavy drinking lowers the body’s defenses against disease and infection.
There are many other ways that alcohol can affect the body in the long-term. Frequent, long-term alcohol consumption can also lead to these diseases and conditions (directly or indirectly):

Cancer of the mouth, esophagus, throat, breast, liver, and colon.
Gouty arthritis
Pneumonia
Tuberculosis
Hyperglycemia
Hypoglycemia
Malnutrition
Nervous disorders like dementia and neuropathy
Obesity
Psychological disorders like depression, insomnia, and anxiety
Fetal alcohol syndrome
The long-term effects of consuming alcohol will most definitely lead to some sort of damage to vital organs such as the liver and the brain. Oftentimes, alcoholism will lead to permanent damage. Other long-term issues entail a lack of good nutrition, as the alcoholic is focused on the drinking rather than eating properly. They also may suffer financially, as it is very difficult for someone to balance the disease of alcoholism and a commitment to employment.

There is a thin line between drinking alcohol in moderation and having it consume your life. Alcoholism often begins with casual and social drinking and then turns into a long-term lifestyle. No matter what your decision, to drink or not, the best thing you can do is be as aware as possible of all the dangers of alcohol running rampant.

I have discovered hundreds of reasons why I never went to nursing school. I would have to say empathy is not my strong suit. It is a definite shortcoming, and I am not sure it is curable.

So far, my mother has rejected her diagnosis. She wants nothing to do with chemotherapy,she has stated she has no desire to live, that her time is up, what is the purpose of it all, and maybe she should just do herself in.

My brother and I have talked her into trying one cycle of chemo, and the nurse practitioner promised her she would feel better. She agreed. But, with my mother, what she says is not always what she means. One story for one person, another for someone else.

I have spent two weeks working on spreadsheets of medications and timetables of treatment, which seem to change daily. I have gotten hooks, and hung the sheets next to her cabinet where she keeps all her medications. I have written and printed them in 20 point font so that she can see them, as her eyesight is going.

She has yet to look at anything related to her course of therapy. I have made the directions so easy a 10 year old could follow it. Every time I hand anything to her, she says she just can’t do it, makes a noise of disgust, and chucks the papers on the floor.

I am trying to PP (practice patience), trying to give her space and time to wrap her head around this news. That said, I have limited time here, and I need her to get engaged in this so that I will feel comfortable leaving her alone. I need to feel sure she will take the medications at the proper times so as not to interrupt the treatment schedule.

On Monday, she expressed a desire to end her life in front of the oncology nurse. This has been a theme in her life since my father walked out 35 years ago. We, her children, are so used to her threatening to “drive into a bridge abutment, stick her head in the oven, just end it all”, that none of us take it seriously. I had planned to discuss her change in tone about suicide at her next General Practitioner appointment. Her comment on Monday saved me from having to have that awkward discussion. The oncologist called in a prescription for an antidepressant. She started on that today, which leads me to the bottom line of this post.

My mother is a hard core alcoholic. She has been for 50+ years. She drinks copious amounts of anything, mostly bourbon and wine, nightly. The hospitalization stopped that for a week and two days. Right before chemotherapy, she drank. She drank 3/4 of a bottle of wine. Pretty heavy coming off a week of iv’s, blood thinners, anemia, and partial kidney failure.

During our first chemotherapy session, I inquired about alcohol intake. The nurse looked at me like I had two heads, there was a long pause, and then she said, yes she can drink, but VERY LIMITED.

I have been shocked by my mother, she seemed to take it to heart. I have yet to see her have anything alcoholic.

Until last night. I was in my little room, reading a book, when I heard a glass being filled with ice. It was after 9 pm,unusual, unless she is drinking alcohol, she doesn’t drink anything after 9 pm. I made a mental note to check the wine bottle this morning when I got up.

I was elated to see I was wrong, no wine was gone from the open bottle in the refrigerator. Never happier to be wrong!

As I ran this morning it hit me..the bourbon. I forgot to check the bourbon bottle. Sure enough, it wasn’t facing the way I had left it when I was in that cabinet looking for something, and some was gone.

I now know what people mean when they use the term blinded by rage. I was. I immediately texted my sponsor with the question, should I confront her? Of course I didn’t wait the 30 seconds it took for her reply with the answer, NO. I asked her, AND SHE LIED!!!

Of course she lied, she is an alcoholic. I lied, you lied, we all lied. It is what we do.

Now I am once again sitting on a mountain of resentment.

All of the hours behind the wheel of a car, all of the planning, all of the scheduling, all of the emotional and physical energy we are ALL spending to keep this woman alive, and she is drinking. SHE IS FUCKING DRINKING WHILE TAKING CHEMOTHERAPY!!! WTF is the point?

Why have I put my life on hold, why is my brother working so hard to find her a place near him, why are we emailing, talking and texting constantly about this woman? Why is this our only topic of discussion, our sole focus of the energy of our lives right now?

I can make it impossible for her to drink for the rest of the time I am here.

I have taken away the Ambien and dispense one nightly so she won’t swallow the whole bottle.

I have added the antidepressant to her medication list with bold letters stating DO NOT DRINK WHILE ON THIS MEDICATION.

I have laid out the chemotherapy treatments on a daily calender, and spreadsheet. I have added them to a Google calendar and linked it to both my brothers as well.

I leave on August 30th. What happens then?

Why are we working so hard to save her, when she wants nothing to do with being saved?