Parent Ponderings

Have you ever looked beneath your sofa and wondered how in the world it got so cluttered? What I’d like to know is how a 2 x 6 foot area that can’t be accessed unless the sofa is lifted can get completely covered in Cheerios. Do the kids break out straws when I’m not looking and blow cereal under the sofa until there’s a fine even layer?

More amazing than this is the fact that I actually wonder about such things. You’d think that after fourteen years of parenting and five kiddos, the novelty of such things would have worn off by now.

Like, just how does an entire bar of soap end up wedged in the toilet bowl? And why are there milk rings on every flat surface in the house even though no one is allowed to take food and drink out of the kitchen and there’s never any milk left in the fridge?

Why is there banana mashed into the front window screen? Why are the cats a subtle shade of rainbow marker? And why doesn’t anything ever spill on a dirty floor? Why are there at least eight accidents on my clean floor the very minute I stop mopping?

And why don’t criminal investigators dust a crime scene with grape jelly? Once they compile all the data into a computer they can just email mothers everywhere and they’d have their ‘man’ in no time. I know that I could identify each of my children by their ‘jelly print.’ I’ve seen them a million times myself all over my clean white fridge, counters and walls.

Why do boys ‘forget’ to wear their underwear and does it make me a bad mom if anyone finds out?

What are those disgusting little smears on the window? And do I really want to know?

What makes Jell-O stick to the ceiling?

How can two girls play together peacefully for hours and yet can’t wash dishes for five minutes without bickering?

Why does my child wait until we are in the middle of the crowded supermarket to practice a new word he learned from his older brother who evidently needs his mouth washed out with soap?

Why does my pre-schooler pick at his dinner, yet the minute the table is cleared he’ll filch off his own plate before it gets washed? Does food taste better when it’s stolen?

If you’ve ever found yourself contemplating the strange behavior of children, I know that you that you need to get out of the house more often, but probably won’t until you’re sure most of the town has forgotten the last time you did, especially if you had kids in tow.

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