Dear Amy: My fiancee was ra ...

By Ask AmyAugust 11, 2005

Dear Amy:

My fiancee was raped four weeks ago.

We were supposed to move in together two weeks after the attack, and I said that I still would, but then I was scared of being alone with her because when I went to see her after the rape, she didn't even want to sit next to me. I backed out two days before we were supposed to start living together. She moved back home to be with her parents.

She says she feels she can't trust me anymore because I said I would still move in with her but didn't.

I am going out of my mind because she says she still loves me but doesn't talk to me anymore. I am scared of losing her just because I was scared of moving in with her. I fear that she will never forgive me. I am in a constant state of fear because we don't talk.

Please explain what I can do to help her.

Scared in Conn.

As scared as you feel, try to imagine how scared your fiancee feels. So let's start by not making this about you, but about her.

As someone who loves her, make sure that she gets help. As a survivor of sexual assault, she has a long road ahead, and this would be easier for her if she had someone who patiently loved her by her side.

Perhaps your fiancee says she can't trust you anymore because after she was raped, you freaked out, said you were scared of being alone with her, and stood idly by while she uprooted her life and moved back in with her folks.

You both may have been traumatized by her attack, and you can get help by calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673. A counselor can help describe what your fiancee is going through and will offer you resources, as well. You need to figure out how this attack has affected you, but you must do more to help your fiancee.

Dear Amy:

I'm a 16-year-old boy who is a pretty good kid. I was student of the month this year in my high school and made the honor roll three out of four quarters.

On the last day of school, my mother and sister went away for a few days, and I had a little party. Nothing big -- only about 15 friends, but they found my mother's rum and started drinking it. I was hesitant at first but then decided why not -- school's over and exams are finished, and it sounds like fun.

Needless to say I got caught for the party, and my mother was less than pleased.

Last week a few of my friends and I went to a friend's beach house unchaperoned and spent the night partying and relaxing by the water.

My mother found out about this, too, and was once again less than impressed.

Her biggest issue with me now is the lack of trust. Before the parties, she trusted me and even left me alone on several occasions, and I was completely fine. How do I regain her trust and prove to her that I'm still a good kid?

Not Trusted Teen

When you say that your mother was "less than pleased," I hope you mean that she was furious.

First of all, I have to wonder what your mother was thinking. No 16-year-old should be left on his own for a few days. Why? Because 16-year-olds make the sorts of choices that you've been making. Even 16-year-olds who are nice and smart and on the honor roll make doofus decisions because the 16-year-old brain isn't completely wired yet. It's a scientific fact that the 16-year-old brain isn't fully developed, which completely explains Lindsay Lohan's career.

None of this is meant to let you off the hook, buster.

You're going to have to earn back your mother's trust the hard way: one good decision at a time. You'll have to worm your way into her good graces by proving that your decision-making ability is catching up with the rest of you.