I want a career I am proud of and excited about. I want a bank balance that makes sense for how hard I work and the future I desire. I want a clean apartment, and for my dog and cat to stop fighting. I want for there to be endless Cheetos and zero guilt. I want to be social more. I want to drink less. I want a wine tap in my house. I want to have read all the books I probably should have read a long time ago. I want to want to exercise. I want better (or any) healthcare. I want to never get a zit again. I want to be Chrissy Teigen, generally. I want to travel more. I want to have all nice makeup that isn’t covered in the dregs of other makeup. I want pretty hair that never gets tangled. I want people I respect and admire to respect and admire me back. I want a swimming pool. I want a gift certificate to the universe. I want all of those things but not particularly in that order.

Being in your 20s is full of wants. To be free from want is a goal, which I also want, but is a lot lower on my list for one very solid reason: sometimes wanting things is good. Sometimes wanting things helps us figure out who we are, our place in the world, or how hard we are willing to work. It’s okay to want, even if that want is say, for a boyfriend.

When I talk to real women, as I did in researching my book on sexual freedom and 20-something women, I hear young women’s mixed feelings about relationships,” writes Bell. “Some young women deeply desire meaningful relationships with men, even as they feel guilty about those desires. Many express the same sentiment again and again: “Why do I, a young and highly educated woman in the 21st century, value relationships with men so highly?” To do so feels like a betrayal of themselves, of their education, and of their achievements.

Perhaps we are concerned that if we say we want a partner, we risk sounding lonely, or worse, needy? Maybe we fear people thinking we need a boyfriend/girlfriend in order to feel fulfilled? Or maybe we are truly scared that more nights in watching Netflix with your boo will mean less nights at networking events, or working on your screenplay. Typically, partners are thought of as distractions, or worse, as a negative way for us to form our identities. We want so many things, but we feel icky and old fashioned when one of those things is a partner.

Many young and aspiring women with whom I spoke felt as though it were counterproductive to their development to prioritize a relationship with a man,” writes Bell. “This is a new phenomenon that goes against the grain of centuries of female socialization. Historically, women have been encouraged to value relationships, often at the expense of their own aspirations. Today’s young women are part of a new generation of highly educated women who are, of course, still socialized differently than are men, but who feel they ought to focus on their career goals in their 20s, potentially at the expense of developing a relationship. All the women I interviewed felt this pressure, and many expressed anxiety over their desire to prioritize a relationship.

Besides being full of want, the other thing I am sort of known for (maybe, I don’t know, I write about it a lot) is having a boyfriend. I don’t pretend I am single online, or act like my domestic life doesn’t greatly impact my opinions on things. I write about my boyfriend fairly frequently because I am not ashamed of having him. He exists! And the truth is, I’ve always wanted a boyfriend, even when I probably should not have had one. And you know what? It hasn’t made any of the other wanting go away.

I say, if you want a partner, join OkCupid or go to the bar and get one. What a partner does is give you a hand to hold when you had a crappy day at work, but they do not make those crappy days at work go away — and actually, that is one of the truly great things about our generation. We aren’t letting our relationships define us. We want to be more than someone’s girlfriend or wife. We want to have careers, and meaningful female friendships, and adventures. We want to go where we please and do what we want to do, and have no one tell us no. Maybe we also want someone to tag along with us, and that is totally okay.

Having a boyfriend in 2013 is not about making big-time sacrifices for him, it’s about weaving together a partnership that works for the both of you. Both of your needs have to be met, your passions supported, and your wants fulfilled. And once you have that, trust me, you will still want more.