LAUGH, CLOWN: With Chris Berman as the face of ESPN’s NFL coverage for the last 30 years, Phil Mushnick says the only ones who don’t find that a joke are the folks at ESPN.ZUMApress.com

Big things, little things and all that lands (with a thud) in between on ESPN leaves us to wonder: If it’s “The Worldwide Leader In Sports,” who’s second? We’ll risk it.

This week, ESPN proudly announced Chris Berman will call the second game of the network’s NFL opening doubleheader on Sept 10, Chargers at Raiders.

Exactly how did ESPN think such news would be received by a public that long ago recognized Berman as a career self-promoter, his on-air persona a sustained tribute to Bozo T. Clown? What did ESPN expect, a 21-seltzer-bottle salute?

Yet, ESPN’s announcement actually seemed to rub it in, noting Berman “has been the face of ESPN’s NFL coverage for nearly three decades.” We know, we know.

But he didn’t lose. He finished second to Ryan Lochte by less than a second, thus both qualified for the U.S. team in that event. Phelps did what he had to do.

But ESPN’s simplistic grasp of all sports almost always leaves viewers who know better with the strong sense the network’s specialty can’t possibly be sports. Slam-dunk contests and home-run derbies? Yes. Sports? No.

Wednesday at 8 a.m., a radio “SportsCenter” extended scores and news segment carried word the Giants, the night before in San Francisco, had shut out the Dodgers. Judicious morning reports of late night-before shutouts, especially by sports networks, include the name of the winning side’s pitcher or pitchers. Was it a complete game shutout?

We got zip; we weren’t told starter and winner Ryan Vogelsong went seven innings. Yet, because ESPN hits us with worthless throw-in stats posed as insight, in the same report we were told the Rangers have beaten the Tigers in seven of their last 11.

Even the smallest things are dipped in thoughtlessness. Wednesday, as Caroline Wozniacki played Tamira Paszek at Wimbledon, ESPN’s own ID and score graphic in the upper left showed “Wozniacki DEN” above “Paszek AUT.”

For those left to guess if Paszek is from Australia or Austria — the two gents I was watching with, for example — there was room left on that line to make it clear that she’s from Austria. Four more letters would have removed all doubt. But ESPN doesn’t think that way.

As for Wozniacki, there was no room to further identify where she’s from. “DEN” was either for Denmark or, more likely, Denville, N.J.

Fan-friendly time shift to NFL twinbills

The likelihood of New York audiences losing the ends of 1 p.m. NFL telecasts to the starts of Giants and Jets telecasts (roughly at 4:12 for 4:15 kickoffs) yesterday was greatly reduced.

The NFL announced that it will move the 4:15 kickoffs of CBS and Fox Sunday doubleheaders to 4:25. The NFL noted it “analyzed games from the 2009-11 seasons and found that 44 required part of the audience to be switched to a mandatory doubleheader game kickoff.”

Shucks, we’ve been warning of such game collisions for 10 years. Still, to see the conclusion of tight games — some gone to overtime — after three-plus hours of watching, well, better late than never!

P.S.: Late Sunday afternoon games, before added commercial time and replay rule stoppages, used to kick off at 4 p.m.

* The funniest quote out of this week’s announcement of a four-school NCAA football championship came from Pac-12 Commissioner Larry Scott:

“Until you have an eight- or 16-team seeded playoff, there will be folks out there who aren’t completely satisfied. We get that. But we’re trying to balance other important priorities, like the value of the regular season, like the importance of the bowls, like the academic calendar.”

Academic calendar? Stop, you’re killing me!

At roughly the same time, the Connecticut men’s basketball team, already hit hard with sanctions for academic negligence, announced it will open the regular season Nov. 9 against Michigan State — in Germany!

Reader Steven Blutig: “In order to reduce weight-overage baggage fees, no textbooks will be allowed.”

* ESPN’s “Outside the Lines,” Sunday at 9 a.m. (10 a.m. on ESPN2), examines the recent phenomenon of top tennis players, mostly female, who grunt so loudly when hitting the ball opponents can’t hear the ball off the racket (due to the racket). Rules have been added to discourage both future grunters and sudden bird migrations.

Funny, for 100 years the world’s best played without grunting. Yet, one grunter — Monica Seles, seems to have been the first of note — has led to many more. As Pam Shriver says on OTL, all they had to do was keep it down a little.

Getting it wrong at all costs

Michael Kay continues to address Yankees TV audiences as if he were emceeing the annual P.S. 16 Talent Show.

Wednesday, after noting injuries to CC Sabathia and Andy Pettitte necessitated the call-up of pitcher Adam Warren, Kay, who could have left it at that, further explained:

“That’s why you have the minor leagues. And that’s why you have pitching depth in the minor leagues. And now that depth has to step up.”

Who knew?

Earlier, referencing a text poll about further MLB use of replay, Kay supported the “Get it right at all costs,” more-replay choice.

Well, that’s simple enough to support, but what happens when, with two on, a batter hits one down the line that’s ruled foul. But the replay shows it to have been a fair ball. You’ve gotten it right at all costs, so now what?

* Nick Swisher’s “natural enthusiasm” for himself was not nearly as demonstrative in the past as it is this season. Makes ya wonder if he would act the same if a game were radio-only and it weren’t the last year of his contract.

* For all the season-ticket hustles and shakedowns the Mets have enacted to exploit their hosting of next year’s All-Star game, who would want to spend a fortune to attend a game that causes so many sudden, can’t-make-it injuries to All-Stars?

* That “catch” Yankees left fielder Dewayne Wise made on Tuesday? Reader James Nollet has a reasonable solution: Call it out of bounds. “Any time a player has to leave the field of play to make a play, the play is over.” In Tuesday’s case, foul ball, continue the at-bat.

* The Mets’ 17 runs on Wednesday brought to mind an old gag about the team: