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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

A life beyond these walls....

I sit here in the house I have lived in the majority of the time for the last 13 or so years feeling nervous, stressed, hopeful, excited, tense, and did I mention nervous? Things are changing and and moving forward. I feel the wheels turning in my life. I have an interview for a job I feel confident in performing on Friday morning. I want it so bad. It would mean a new car, moving out of this place and Matt and I being able to start our lives together in our very own home, whether that be an apartment or whatever God has in store. This house will always in my heart be home but I am beyond ready for a place of my own and to run it in my own way. My parents have provided for me in ways that I know some parents would never do. They have welcomed Matt into their home, provided me with food and shelter, and loved me unconditionally. But I need to be on my own, to make decisions, to provide for myself, and make my own mistakes without them there to clean up my mess.

I am trying to not put too much pressure on myself for this job but we need it and I want it. I am nervous and scared beyond belief. This time it feels right, like I am not faking knowing things that I don't necessarily. That there is actually a shot in hell (pardon my French) of my getting this job and a big, welcome change coming into Matt and I's life. For us to live comfortably on our own, maybe not extravagantly but to get by and do it together on our own. To have a 40 hour a week job that will probably exhaust me but allow me to feel accomplished and like I am moving somewhere and not stuck in retail for the rest of my life. I am blessed in so many ways, with wonderful family, friends, the best future husband a girl could ask for, food, shelter, clothing and many many more that I forget to thank God for on a regular basis.

This economy has torn apart my self esteem and made me feel worthless and almost stupid. My feelings may be irrational but they are mine and I own up to them. I learned when I went through therapy never to feel stupid for what you feel, God has a purpose for those feelings. But keeping them bottled up inside, tears you apart. For the last year, I have probably cried at least once a week because I felt worthless and hopeless. It helped and felt therapeutic. I know there are those who suffer far worse than I and struggle with problems far beyond my petty problems and I try to remember those people in my prayers. But my problems are still problems that need to be dealt with before I explode or act them out on someone who doesn't deserve it as I have in the past.

I think I am starting to ramble, feeling sleepy. Need to rest and prepare for interview more tomorrow.......*sigh*