Tuesday, June 30, 2009

What is WRONG with me?!?

Seriously.

Beloved has a softball game every Monday night. I think his company has the team, or maybe it's just a bunch of his coworkers. Anyway. I was there as usual, cheering him on, and cheering on his team when it just hits me:

I am head-over-heels, butt-crazy in love with this man.

Still.

I watched him out there in the field, the way he jiggles his legs when he's anxious. The way he moves his arm when he's waiting for the hit. The funny hunch he has when he just starts to walk. The way he runs, and when he stops he shifts his feet the same way every time. The same two flicks of his wrist that fix his shirt when it's hanging funny. The way he licks his top lip when his mouth feels dry.

And I knew each one before it came. I knew before he did any of them what to expect.

You know when to expect them, and then when you see them, even when you've seen them a thousand times, they still make you smile.

Gosh. Am I so pathetic or what?

The other night after being...together. I told him, "I love you now as much as I ever have done. Nothing you have done has diminished that." And he said, "I know. You're too good to me."

To which, at the time, I didn't respond. But now I am thinking, "YEAH. I am too good to you!" But, what can I do? It's the way I feel...

How did I become one of THOSE women? I never thought I'd do these things. I always swore I'd kill him. Or chop something off. Or at the very least take the kids, leave and never look back. But...just...none of the 'typical' or 'normal' reactions feel right.

The way I have looked at it for sometime is that "Those" women have a lot more courage and compassion than those who just throw the father of their children out of the house or leave without trying to work things out. Being one of "those" women means you meant the promises you made to Beloved when you married him, even when he's not keeping the ones he made to you. It's always better to approach the world from a place of integrity, and it feels like that's what you're trying to do.

Johnsons: well, thanks, but I don't think I deserve that much credit. But I'm glad it brightens your day. If only to say, 'that's not happening to me!' lol

Shawn: seriously? thanks for coming by.

jmn2001: oh my goodness. are you TRYING to make me cry?! thanks. I am beginning to think more highly of THOSE women. I misjudged before.

Housewife Savant: {I know, right?! I always try to leave something thoughtful...} And you are right. I've hung on too tight to a stereotype. Same thing with Shannon, the "other woman". I'm sure she's a lovely person. (ahem) Yeah. I'm not ready to shout death to that stereotype just yet. But to the others, pastor's wife and all, heck yeah. I'll follow you!

mama-face: YES. You are right. It is so not me. It really is the help from above that is keeping me afloat and from committing a terrible murder. Oh. I mean, making rash decisions. And yeah, I do love him, and I do find a lot of hope in that. It also sucks a little, but you take what you can get. ;) And I know you love me. Love you right back

All: LOVE YOU ALL! **big ol' dramatic kissing of the hand with the mmmmwah sound as I blow it your way**

I think I would feel the same as you. That despite the hurt, you still love every little thing about him. Even the little things that you don't love, but still love. Like morning breath. Or forgetting to take out the trash. It's part of who he is -- who you love.

And I agree with Mama-face. I think you are definitely receving help from above. The charity and compassion will strengthen both of you.

About Me

15 months ago my husband told me he was in love with another woman. I was completely blindsided. I would have told you the day before that I was married to my best friend and soul mate.
Almost a year ago Beloved came home. We are working through this mess.
Why am I keeping this journal? Because I don't know how else to think through everything without driving myself crazy.
At least this way I feel like I am talking to someone.