Thursday, July 31, 2008

This happened either late 2006 or early 2007. I know it was after I moved back to New Orleans from being in exile due to Katrina.

My old next-door neighbor, R, is one of my closest friends. She’s this big ball of energy that infects you if you get too close to her. If I’m having a crappy day, a nice word or a smile from her always makes me feel better. If I’m low on energy, just 5 minutes in her presence makes me want to get up off my ass (that was for you, Debbie!) posterior and DO SOMETHING!!!

The thing with R is…you never know what’s gonna happen when you go out with her.

Now, normally, nothing real big happens. Just lots of drinking (not her, she doesn’t drink that much…natural DD!) and laughs and drinking and laughs. Did I mention drinking and laughs? If not, those are always had by all.

R is the best at hook-ups. She works for a HUGE corporation that includes ownership of places such as oh, let’s say, The Chicken Ranch and Larry Flynt’s Hustler Club and Déjàvu. Yeah….she works for them.

But not as a “dancer”. No siree, you’ll never catch R up on that nasty, nasty pole.

She has family ties that go way back and is connected to some very notable people in New Orleans. Such as Dr. John (he’s her godfather) and Andrew Jaeger (one of her bosses).

She runs a hotel in the French Quarter and has run several of the many, many restaurants Andrew Jaeger has “owned” and “operated” throughout his years in NOLA.

She has connections out the wazoo when it comes to clubs and casinos and bars and restaurants.

If that wasn’t enough to make you want to be friends with her….she’s funny and generous to a fault and is just one of the best people on Earth. Don’t even get me started on her husband and son. You will never meet better people.

Having said all that….R sometimes comes up with “interesting” things to do and it usually has to do with her connections to various places in the city.

Her uncle is a cross dresser and has/had access to plays and clubs of the “alternative” kind.

One day, she asked me if I wanted to go see a play that her uncle either put on or ran…not sure which. It was in the Marigny and since I had never been there after dark, I said, “Sure”…plus…free play!

She said that her mom and grandmother were attending and we would be able to get front row seats!!!

Awesome!!! Score!!!!

New Orleans is known for their art productions of all kinds so I knew that the play would be entertaining. Either because it sucked hard core and we could make fun of it or it would be great.

All she would tell me about the play is that it was called “Take Me Out” and it had something to do with baseball players and it was a production of all men.

Ok, cool…I was down with that. I love me some men.

So, we get in her Dodge Charger and drive down to the Marigny. We park the car and go into the theatre. R talks to the man behind the curtain and we go all the way inside and find our table at the very front . Not even 5 feet from the stage.

It’s one of those small theatres that holds about….50 people or so. Very tiny.

We’re sitting at a round table with normal chairs. You know, the kind you find at reception halls and the like.

R’s mom and grandma show up and sit right behind us. We’re all chatting away and the lights go dim.

All of a sudden…….

…..there’s like 20 NAKED swinging willies in my face…of all sizes and shapes and colors.

All the men were nude. It was a nude play.

A play of naked men.

Nude males five feet from my face.

On the one hand, it was like a gift from God.

Except…they were all gay.

On the other hand, it was hysterical.

But it wasn’t supposed to be.

It was supposed to be art.

But, c’mon. Willies 5 FEET FROM MY FACE!!! How do you not laugh? Seriously, how do you not laugh?

To this day, I still don’t know what it was about. Something about race and homosexuality and prejudice and yadayadayada.

All I took away from the whole thing was 20 willies hanging free in the wind with me only 5 feet away.

This is the reason I love R and New Orleans (except to live there).

Later,

Mama Dawg

P.S. If you want a link to the review (no nudie pics….sorry!) click here.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Really, I've been debating for all of 5 minutes here on whether to post this one or not.

Because, well, I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY could use this one.

Really.

Jen over at the Daily Mish Mash(she of the awesome Movie Carnival) is having a contest and the give away?

Y'all ready for this?

A $50 Disney gift card.

What's that? You didn't hear me?

Let me say it again...a $50 Disney gift card!

If you still didn't hear me....I guess you can click here to go on over yourself to check it out.

However, if one of YOU win it, you are obligated to buy me something....something nice...not crappy. Or, if you really don't want it, you can always enter the contest and if you win it, you can give it to me! I'm totally fine with that. Seriously, I'll take it that way. I'm not in it for the fame and glory. Not really.

Just a quick post to describe the new etsy stuff and then we'll get back to your regularly scheduled crap.

The new items are miniature Barbie (or any other doll) cakes. I make them out of plastic bottle tops (like off of water bottles, Gatorade bottles, etc...), Snowtex, paint and decorative items.

I discovered how to do this a while ago and made light of my life several of them (including 2 wedding cakes) and she ADORES them. I've gotten lots of interest from others in making some and selling them so I thought I'd toss 'em up there!

I'll do a post every Monday with a "Who Would You Do" question and you need to answer WHO and WHY (did you pick that person) in the comments section!

You can answer all week long!

Here's the first one:

Would you rather have an erotic all-nighter with Tom Cruise-but the next morning you have to walk home in nothing but his boxers, and along the way you run into your mother, your priest, and your first-grade teacher-or a mere five-minute quickie with Brad Pitt but with no public humiliation?

Later,

Mama Dawg

*Editor's Note---YouHAVEto pick one or the other. Even if you're a guy and the only choices are guys...same for girls...believe me, there are lots where it's only girls to choose from.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Instead of a randomly written post, I present to you...a randomly photographed post. These are just a few shots I've recently updated.

This is my empty coffee cup from La Madeleine's at the Riverbend in NOLA. Believe you me, this is a totally empty cup. I love this coffee so much, after I was done with this cup, I got one to go. I love their French Roast Coffee.

I know this is a fig. I have them all over the tree outside of light of my life's room...however, I think it looks like a dingleberry.

Isn't my model AWESOME?!?!?!? Did I get the '50's housewife look just right (sans apron)?

These are the latest creations that I will be offering for sale on my etsy shop...no, not '50's throwback housewife Barbies...the cakes!

Friday, July 25, 2008

For my next performance story, I will tell you all about the multiple naked men. A close second was all my celebrity encounters (more boring than it sounds, believe me) and then stories about working at the Mouse House.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Two Little Monkeys jumping on a bed, one fell off and bumped his head...and then gave me this award!

I'd like to thank the brilliant Bernardo and Guillermofor this award. They are the cutest little knit monkeys I've ever met! They bestowed this award on me and indicated that I needed to follow the rules listed below in order to accept this award with the grace and dignity with which it was awarded.

Hey...who farted? Smells like bananas.

Anyway, here's the rules:

1. Put the logo on your blog.2. Add a link to the person who awarded it to you.3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs.4. Add links to these blogs on your blog.5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog.

I really gotta think on this one....hmmm...who's been kissing up lately?

Ok, here we go:

1. Rhea over at Texas Word Tangle. I love this woman. She's been so supportive and kind and funny and just over all great. This is one person I'd actually like to meet IRL.

2. Heather over at Mindless Junque. She's one half of the genius that is SITS. I admire the hell out of her and especially love her (and Tiffany) for turning me on to the Twilight Series.

3. Afro over at Afro because she's not afraid to tell it like it is...especially on her blog. Also, she lives near me and I find this soooo cool.

4. Dan over at LiteralDan. I feel like I'm always nominating him for an award, but y'all...he's THAT good.

5. Lula over at Lulaville. This is a southern sista all the way, baby! Anyone who taught me to use baby powder to get sand off at the beach deserves an award.

6. Momo Fali over at Momo Fali's. She has the most precocious son who literally says what he thinks. It might make for embarrassing situations for his mom, but it makes excellent blog fodder!

7. Trooper Thorn at Dogs and Jeans. It always makes me laugh to see that name in my blogroll cause my mind sees it as "Dogs and Jesus". He's also a hottie! And a screenwriter! And funny!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I've read/seen/heard/thought some things lately that I feel I need to share.

---------------------

First of all...I'm thinking of starting that twitter thing. Is is fun? Is it worth my time?

---------------------

You need to go check out this post. I found it hilarious for some reason. You need to skip down and read the italics part. That's what slayed me. (No, Lula, Heather and Tiffany...it has nothing to do with Edward and his kind...I just used the word slayed!).

--------------------

Trooper Thorn has written a screenplay and he's started a new blog to dole out bits and pieces of it. It's not been made into a movie...yet. Let's try to change that, shall we? He's only got the first installment up, but so far, it's hooked me. It's kinda Jude Apatow-y...I'm totally picturing Paul Rudd as the lead.

I'm going back to New Orleans for a visit this weekend. I'll be bringing back a special visitor on the return trip. My daughter's friend, Z, is coming back to stay with us for a week. Next week is the last official full week before my kid goes back to school, so what better way to spend it than to have her good friend from back home come and visit!

------------------

Light of my life is RIDICULOUSLY excited because she's managed to save up $100 to help pay for her iPod. This girl seriously loves music and she takes pretty good care of her expensive electronic toys (DS Lite, stereo, plug and play games, etc....).

------------------

I had her go through my iPod last night to pick out what songs she wanted to put on hers and I was so impressed with what she chose.

First of all, she chose lots of Jimmy Buffett. More specifically, she picked some Jimmy that's a little obscure. She picked my fav, "Stars on the Water". She also picked out "Werewolves of London". Jimmy covered that for the movie, "Hoot". She also chose lots of Bobby Darin as well as the "kid-friendly" (insert sarcasm here) songs like "Love Shack", "Baby Got Back", "Beautiful Girls" and the such. However, she did pick out the entire soundtrack to "Chicago". My girl's got taste, y'all. We'll also be downloading all the songs from the soundtracks to "Grease" and "Grease 2".

------------------

I love the small town I live in. They post the school supply list in the newspaper. So easy! AND, the list is not one like the ones she had when she was smaller. I mean, seriously, does it matter if the kid has Rose Art or Crayola crayons? The reasoning I was given for that is that they wanted all the kids to have the "same brand" so no one would feel out of place.

Really? Don't make me start a post about this. You don't want that. I could SOOOOOO go off on this kind of "helicoptering parenting" kind of behavior. Please, please, please don't get the teachers involved in this stuff, too.

-------------------

I'm taking a half day tomorrow so we can get on the road early.

-------------------

I was on such a high on Monday when I discovered that another item from my etsy shop was purchased! And...she isn't a blogger. She's just some random lady!

-------------------

The best news for last...my baby, J.D., is walking again!!!!! Albeit, like a drunken sailor, but still...it's walking!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Except it's gonna be a short story cause I have the attention span of a gnat. (nat? knat? mnat?)

I have a weird history with cars. Well, it's not really weird, I'm just trying to draw you in to the story.

My first car was a 1991 Geo Storm. My mom decided it was time to get herself a new car...she got a Camaro...I think I got the short end of the stick on that deal. It was teal in color and I called her the "Teal Mobile". Yeah, you can now bow down to my creative genius. Accolades more than welcome.

I was a Coca-Cola freak. Not to drink, but to collect...memorabilia, I mean. I loved to collect all things Coke.

I had a Coke vanity plate that went on the front of my baby. I had the requisite crap hanging from my rear view mirror that expressed how truly cool I was. In my case, I put up things that "made me stand out" from the normal pack of too cool for school teenagers. I had a turtle charm on a string that an ex-boyfriend gave me, I had a Mardi Gras necklace that I caught by flashing my boobies did not catch but thought was cool and some other pseudo cool stuff.

I LOVED that car. It was tiny and tight and I could hug corners like nobody's business. Plus...it was teal. Such a gorgeous color. I loved being the one that picked up all my friends and took them places. I loved filling up the gas tank (remember when putting in $5 could get you...well...farther than it could now?) and checking the oil level.

When I was about 18 or so, the engine failed completely and instead of getting a new car, mom had a rebuilt engine put in. This took care of the problem and got me 5 more years out of the car.

I had this car all through my teen years and up until after my child was born. I went back to work at 8 weeks after having her via c-section. About 2 weeks after I had returned to work, I was running errands on my lunch break and pulled into a drugstore parking lot. As I was driving straight in the parking lot to get to the store's parking section, a truck that was parked in a side space backed straight out right after the front of my car passed the back of his. As a result, he hit me on my right rear panel and spun my teeny tiny car 180 degrees. All I can say is, thank goodness light of my life was not in the car at the time or you would have seen a VERY pissed off and ape-shit Mama Dawg.

My beautiful baby was totaled and I had to have therapy to get over my fear of driving. Yes, I had some issues after this accident. Physically, even though I was 10 weeks post-partum, I was fine. But whenever I drove, out of my peripheral, I would see imaginary cars driving straight towards me and I would freak out. I would either slam on the brakes or have an anxiety attack in the car. I had to have therapy to help me get over this. Of course, it didn't help that I was under so much stress being a newly separated single mom with a newborn baby. But, I digress.

As a result of the accident, my Teal Mobile(this is not my car, but a picture of one that looks like mine...except mine was cooler!) was totaled. I got about $2000 for it but was able to get it fixed for about $1000 due to some connections I had...yeah, I'm cool like that.

This would have naturally bought me some more time with my beloved vehicle, but while it was being repaired, mom and I discovered that it was easier for us to car pool to work. We both worked at the same company and she didn't mind going to the daycare before and after work to pick up her beloved granddaughter. She's seriously ga-ga for this kid.

We got so used to this that my Teal Mobile was rarely ever driven. It got to the point that it would no longer run and due to some cracks somewhere, it got all mildew-y and moldy inside.

Hurricane Katrina came along and with that, an opportunity arose for us to get rid of the car for good. A friend of a friend came along and towed it out of the back yard where it had resided all moldy and white trash-y for 5 years.

While I was evacuated, I decided to put on my big girl panties (no, not the ones with the stretch marks...the peach silk ones) and plunk down my hard earned tax return on a new car.

Turns out, I couldn't afford a new one so I got the next best thing...a used one. Yep...a car that's been sat in and used by God knows who.

I remember being in the lot and a really, really young guy approached me to assist me in my purchase. He was so young, he was the Doogie Howser of car salesmen.

Y'all remember Doogie? I loved Doogie.

Eh-hmm...back to my story.

He tried to talk me into a GOLD IMPALA. Seriously, what screams southern white chick who can't sing or dance or is even remotely cool, like a GOLD IMPALA?

Yeah, I managed to talk him out of that one.

Instead, I got a 2005 Pontiac Grand Am V-6 dark grey in color. Not too shabby. It gets great highway gas mileage but crappy city mileage. All in all, not a bad car.

I purchased this in April of 2006. In August of 2006, some IDIOT woman ran a red light and hit my car on the front left side. Yeah, that was fun. I had a strained shoulder and was again scared poopless but this time I managed to get through the trauma without the help of a therapist.

My car was in the shop for a long time. It was almost totaled. Which would have sucked because at that point, I had only made 5 payments on it.

It was fixed and things were well. One day, I was cleaning out the car and was shoving my hands in the crack where the back of the seat meets the seat bottom in the back of the car. Lo and behold, guess what I discovered?

Yeah, my baby's tushie had been sitting mere inches away from an instrument of death and a shit colostomy bag.

When I took them in to work to show them to some of my co-workers, one of them mentioned that it was drug paraphernalia.

First of all, WTF? What is this kind of crap and what is it doing in MY car? After doing a little research, I found out that my "new" car was a car that was used by a "businessman" that traveled a lot between Mississippi and Florida. Hmmm.....I wonder what "business" he was in? To this day, I'm scared to get into another accident. Who knows that kind of "substances" I'll find next time.

Of course, with today's economy, I'd be better off selling it and making sh*tloads of money...but that would be illegal and I'm not about that. Weeeellllll....nope, I'm not about that.

Second of all, who knows crap like that? Needless to say, that told me a LOT about that particular co-worker (which explained SO MUCH) and her extra-curricular activities.

I guess you're probably asking yourself at this point, "Self, when is Mama Dawg going to get to the part that has to do with the actual title of her post".

Well, I'll tell you.

Ever since the accident, if I'm driving by myself in the car, I will sometimes feel this "phantom" kick in my lower back. You know, the kind that comes from little kids repeatedly kicking the back of your seat?

Yeah, I feel that. I keep thinking it's all in my head but it happens too often and with so much force that I can't go on thinking it's all in my head.

So, I've come to the conclusion that my car is haunted. And I think it's haunted by the ghost of my beloved Teal Mobile because, what other explanation is there? I think it's getting me back for the years of neglect and forgetfulness and selfish behavior.

Seriously, I'm asking, what other explanation is there? Randy squirrel stuck in the seat? More drug paraphernalia that's moving around? Ticking time bomb a la "Squirrel and Moose"? (for those of you that didn't get that, I'm referencing Rocky and Bullwinkle).

Monday, July 21, 2008

I got some new sunglasses cords and some jewelry. Please be gentle on my jewelry...it's some of the first stuff I made a while back and I haven't done anything with it. It's my first time to try to sell it and it's just o.k. stuff. I have much better designs in mind, but I'm really digging my sunglasses cords right now. That's what I'm pretty much concentrating on for the moment.

Here she is showing off the lovely hat we will use to draw the name out of.

We did this at our neighbor's house. That's their lovely trunk behind her. That's her best friends hat. We didn't do this at home because I don't have a computer at home (hello, Dell or Toshiba or even Mac...we're more than happy to receive a free computer with all the bells and whistles at any time! Just call me! Or e-mail me! Or leave me a comment!) and I wanted to get pics and what not at the exact moment the momentous event occurred.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

...about my lesbian experience with this chick I met in my epistemology class while attending Valencia Community College in Florida?

No? Well, then, let me tell you all about it.

We actually started off as friends. She was this cool chick that had a wicked sense of humor. I used to tease her all the time because she was from Bah-ston and sounded like Ben Affleck on crack.

She said that after she graduated from high school, she was kind of at odds with herself and life in general and felt that she needed a change.

So, she hopped on a Greyhound and headed down to O-town. She went to work for the Mouse (Disney...to the lay person) and decided to go back to school after having taken a semester off.

In fact, that's what drew us together. During class one day, I made some smart ass comment about Disney World and she cracked up. She explained that she worked at Disney and when she saw the look of astonishment on my face, she got all flustered and asked me what was wrong. I LOL'd and said, "Nothing...except...I work there, too!" We then went into a fit of giggles and we were asked to leave class.

Months went by and we became best friends. We even moved in together as roommates. She had a few bits of furniture with her but not much. The one thing she did bring, which to this day, I still don't know the story behind, was a HUGE, GIANT stuffed fluke fish. I managed to bring an ugly old beige couch that folded out to a bed and a patio table with some chairs along with a bookcase and my bed. Believe me, we were barely making ends meet but through it all, we had some fun times.

I came home from the Mouse House one day and I was so tired and hot and sticky from the hot August Florida sun. All I wanted to do when I got home was take a shower and go to bed.

When I opened the door to the apartment, I heard the shower running already. I got so pissed. I don't know why since it's not like she knew I was coming home at that exact moment.

Anyway, I went on in to the bathroom to get a wet washcloth to at least cool myself down when she pulled back the shower curtain with a gasp. She didn't realize I had gotten home and when she heard a noise in the bathroom she got nervous. After I laughed at her a bit, I asked her if she was almost done because I was hot and sticky and tired and wanted nothing more than to take a lukewarm shower and go to bed.

She just stared at me for the longest time and then asked in a very small quiet voice if I wanted to "share" the shower with her. After she said that, she flung back the shower curtain and I..................

Yeah...I'm not gonna tell you pervs anymore than that. Just use your imagination. LOL!

I tried looking her up on myspace not too long ago, but, no luck. Just as well. I wouldn't know what to say to her.

Oh and for those of you that are freaking out right now (yes, you, L) please click here for info on Kathy's really cool contest she's having. It'll explain it ALL!

I found this contest via random viewings of blogs and I fell in LOVE with it! It's so gorgeous. It will fit my bedroom decor quite nicely. In fact, I'm getting ready to re-do my night stand and the quilt has the exact colors I wanted to use!!!

Seriously, I LOVE this quilt.

If you want to enter to win...click HERE! It will take you straight to the site to enter. Or, you can click on the graphic on my sidebar. How's that for techno speak?

However, if I find out that one of YOU won it, you will be required to invite me over for a sleepover so I can sleep under the quilt at least one time. (and...when you're distracted by something your kid does, I'll quietly pack it up and steal it from you).

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Before I get all sorts of hate mail about this...I've explained before that I'm not religious. I especially don't believe in organized religion.

However, my daughter is interested in church and Sunday School and bible camp and all that. Since I don't feel it will hurt her to learn and it will only enhance fellowship with our community, I attend church every Sunday WITH her. Mostly cause she's too young to go by herself. And, I feel that since I'm always growing, it can't hurt me either. I like learning and I like the sense of community that I have when I attend.

That got way off topic.

Let's get back to the topic at hand.....my camper!

Here's a pic of her unmade bunk. I took this on the day I was picking her up. She had the top bunk.

Here's a pic of her when I first got there. She was sitting on the floor near the front of the fellowship hall where they were putting on a performance for us. We still hadn't hugged yet but to be honest, I don't think she cared much at that point. She was just so excited to be a part of this whole experience. You can just see the joy in her eyes! (and yes, I know she has a severe case of red eye, but I'm about to leave for the day and I'm off work tomorrow and I'm too lazy to go and correct it. She can be the evil queen that owns the bunnies from below!)

Here she is performing a song in sign language. She was so proud of herself. She's been going around all week singing all the songs she learned. It's so sweet.

Most of you probably didn't even know I was gone since I used that handy-dandy blogger post thingie that allows you to post a post without even being near a 'puter!

I had Friday off of work. It was nice.

I got a whole bunch of nothing today. I'm working on some posts in my head, but it takes me forever to articulate meaningful posts so it'll be a while.

John Deere Momtaught me how to widen my blog column and my header. She ROCKS!!!!!!!!!

I leave you with the following bits of flotsam and jetsam.

----------------------

Light of my life got a new beta fish this past weekend. She named her Monica after Monica from Friends. Yeah, we love that show. So much so, we're contemplating buying 5 other betas to round out the group. Light of my life is mad that Mike (Phoebe's boyfriend) isn't considered a "Friend". She gets way too emotionally attached to Friends.

---------------------

Speaking of emotionally attached to TV show characters, she also cried when Stephanie from Survivor was voted off. Remember Stephanie? And Bobby Jon? She LOVED Bobby Jon. I, personally, got emotionally involved with Ozzie (from his first stint, not the second) but for totally different (read: dirty, nasty, HOTT) reasons.

---------------------

I took out a pair of panties the other day (clean from my drawer) and noticed my panties have stretch marks. Is that possible? And if so, what does that mean for or about me?

--------------------

I was driving home from the vet's office a couple of weeks ago and laughed when I spotted an entire unopened non-flattened package of hot dog buns in the middle of the road. Some poor schmuck is going to get home and say "Well, Ethel, I could have sworn I bought a pack of them hot dog buns...I dunno" all the while Ethel is yelling "Jethro...we cain't eat no hot dogs without them hot dog buns".

--------------------

I laughed harder a couple of miles later when I saw another package in the same condition.

--------------------

Yeah, I have actual thought process like that in my head while I'm driving. You should see the looks I get from my daughter if I accidentally slip and say something like this out loud.

--------------------

On this same driving trip, I saw a little old black man with no teeth (you know what I mean...like this) driving a white Chevy Malibu (the old model, not the new one) that had these god-awful FLAMES painted all over it. I wondered out loud (to absolutely NO ONE in the car) about the story behind that.

-------------------

Do people who pronounce oysters "ersters" know that they're saying it wrong? And when they hear someone say it the correct way, do they think WE'RE the stupid ones or do they know they're pronouncing it wrong?

-------------------

That reminds me of Dooce and her whole pronunciation of the word "crayon".

-------------------

I feel guilty when eating sugar-free rice pudding and tossing it away cause it taste nasty when there are people in Haiti eating mud cookies.

-------------------

When listening to the song "Making Love Out of Nothing At All" by Air Supply, I always feel the urge to sing this part out loud:

"And I can make you every promise that has ever been madeAnd I can make all your demons be gone".

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Hey, y'all. I decided to host a contest. You can check me out here or over at Camp Candid Carrie's (along with some other great contest) and at SITS!

Yes, I'm a shameless band wagon jumper onner (is that even a word...band wagon? I kid, I kid. I know that the real non-word is jumper). please don't leave me a comment telling me that the real non-word is onner...I'm aware of that...this is my sense of humor, love me or leave me.

All you gotta do is click on my etsy shop to your right...no, your other right...that's it...and take a look around. Then leave me a comment telling me what color scheme or "theme" you'd like to see in my sunglasses cords that I'm selling.

That's it. Easy peasy.

This contest starts today: Saturday, July 12th and will end on Friday, July 18th at midnight. Via random drawing...my daughter pulling a name out of a hat or bowl or garbage can...whatever's handy...I will announce the winner on Monday July 20th. While at my extremely boring job.

Get it? Got it? Good.

Oh...I guess you wanna know what the contest give-away is, huh?

Well, it's either a sunglasses cord of your choosing (whatever is left in the shop) or a custom made sunglasses cord.

And, while you're there at the shop, if you see something you'd like to buy...feel free! I won't hold you back!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I opened an Etsy shop. It's over there on the right side above my blogroll.

Achhhhh...I hate putting myself out there like this, but mama needs gas money.

That and I truly enjoy making these things.

Right now, I'm starting off with my sunglasses/glasses cords.

You know, the ones that you attach to your sunglasses or glasses to keep from losing them? Yeah, like what your granny wears...except mine are cooler.

At least, I think so.

I made a few several years ago when we first went to Disney World. I made my mom, light of my life and myself one and they worked perfect there.

I have to ALWAYS wear sunglasses (even if it's overcast) or else I get bitchy (er). But I'm notorious for losing them in theme parks. Yes, I've been to enough theme parks to actually develop a HABIT of losing my sunglasses in them.

Light of my life made her own (picked out the beads and strung 'em). She still has hers.

Last year, when my neighbor was going to Disney with her mom, friend, sister in law and her two daughters, she asked me to make some for her and her group. I obliged and the funniest thing was...she PAID me to do it!

Ding, ding...lightbulb over the head time!

Due to the move and getting all my stuff set up, I've just now gotten to the point where I can start this whole thing over again.

Hence...etsy!

Anyway, I'll periodically add new cords on there when I get a chance to upload photos and all that stuff.

Man, I really need a home computer.

I also have a couple of other things that I make that I'll add on as well.

Stay tuned!

Later,

Mama Dawg

P.S. Thanks in advance for looking! And by all means, tell your friends and family about them as well. I'll even go so far as giving you permission to add this to your blog! How's that for generosity? Never say I didn't give you anything, Internets!!!

P.S.S. Wanna know something funny? After all the hullabaloo of making the sunglasses cord so I wouldn't lose my sunglasses...I left my sunglasses AND the cord on the Kilimanjaro Safari ride at Animal Kingdom last year! Hey, I never said that they would prevent you from taking them off and putting them in the pouch for fear that they would bounce off during the bumpy ride and then getting up and leaving the vehicle while your poor sunglasses and beautiful sunglasses cord stayed behind. I'm not a miracle worker!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Last night, there was a snippet on the news about Tropical Storm Bertha.

The logical part of my brain (you know, that very, very, very, tiny part in the back...that got bruised when I was dropped on my head too many times...yeah, that one) says "Mama Dawg, you live way away from anywhere a hurricane can hit. Calm down and go back to organizing your beads by color and size." (before you can ask or make a smart ass comment, no, this is not a "life coach" moment ala Paris from Gilmore Girls...I'm working on my stuff...to be announced later)

However, the other 98% of my brain (told you it was a small portion) started screaming "Pack yer stuff, we're outta here!". I was thisclose to an anxiety attack.

But what's even worse...when I got to work this morning, I immediately hopped on NHC(that's National Hurricane Center to you lay people....snicker, snicker...I just said lay!) to check out the stats.

And I just did it again a minute ago. Both times feeling incredibly anxious.

What is wrong with me?

Can I not put this crap behind me? I mean, in comparison, I wasn't really affected by Katrina. I knew people that went through way worse times than I did, but it's still got a chokehold on me.

Well, I got a phone call from my mom. Light of my life is officially a camper!

When they arrived, they were escorted to her cabin. As soon as she walked in the door, hordes of girls started yelling her name! We only knew of one girl that was going to be there but come to find out, most of her friends were there, too! Who knew?

Her friend, K, saved her a top bunk. The rest of the beds were full already. It's a miracle she got the top bunk. I think K may have threatened to kick some bootay if someone touched light of my life's bunk! That girl's so country, it's scary!

She pretty much forgot about mom after that.

Tonight will be the real test. Let's see if I get a phone call!

Thanks to everyone for the nice words of encouragement! So far, she's doing good!

With all the JaegerPooting going on last week, I didn't get a chance to blog about what happened last weekend! It was...well...exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

On Saturday, we went to a local flea market type place. I've had my eye on a china cabinet there for a long time now. Every time I go, they tell me they'll negotiate with me on the price and they do come down quite a bit ($425 down to $350) but it was still out of my range. My mom had said that if they ever come down to $300, she'd buy it for me and would consider it my Christmas and birthday presents (X-mas this year and b-day next year). I quickly agreed.

They would never come down lower than $350. For the whole month of July, they are having an inventory reduction sale (they got new items and need to clean house of the old). I found a bakers rack I needed for my front porch. While there, mom decided to ask if they'd come down any more on the china cabinet. They still only came down to $350. Mom then asked them to call her if they decide to move the piece to make room for other stuff. She'd like first refusal.

Well, the lady finally said, "Would you take it for $300?". Mom calmly accepted and now I have a BEAUTIFUL china cabinet in my dining room.

Don't worry, I'm gonna move James Dean over. Now that I have the cabinet, he's not centered on the wall.

I haven't filled it yet, but I'm working on it! It looks a lot like my mom's which is part of the appeal.

On Sunday, light of my life and I decided to go fishing. We took our little cane poles and walked down to the creek. The creek was real low (due to lack of rain) so I didn't have any hope of catching anything.

Well, I was wrong! Light of my life caught 9 fish and 2 crawfish.

Here she is with just 1 of 9 that she caught!

Here's one of her crawfish (or as I called them growing up...crawdaddies)

Here's one of the fish!

And, the pic below, it's what I caught (besides 2 tiny fish)!

Yes, Internets, that's a water moccasin! Needless to say, I cut the line on that one and we ran like hell!

This past weekend, we went to my grandmother's for the 4th and had hot dogs, baked beans, potato salad, cole slaw, apple pie, blackberry pie, etc....It was yummy. Light of my life and I went fishing again. Not as much luck this time but we did end up having the "dropsies". I dubbed us the Dropsie Twins because we managed to drop part of a pole, a bobber, a thing of tape and light of my life's hook got caught on a log underwater. This meant that I had to crawl down the STEEP bank to the creek (thank goodness the creek was still low) to get it unhooked. While I was down there, I got the bobber and the pole but the tape was long gone.

Saturday and Sunday we really didn't do much. Just relaxed (well, I cleaned).

This week is gonna be rough. Light of my life is going to overnight camp...for the first time EVER! She's a little nervous but excited. We got her all packed and ready to go. They'll sleep in cabins and she has to take her own sheets and towels and blanket and pillow, etc....

I've never been to sleep away camp all by myself before. My mom always made sure she was one of the chaperons (well, not really, she always got roped into it) so I didn't really have any advice for light of my life except to have fun! I sent her with a disposable camera, so she'll be able to document the experience.

The camp is only 10 miles from our house so she's still kinda close. We drove up to it on Saturday so she could get a look at it. It looks like a nice place. Hopefully she'll have fun.

But, I'm without her for the week. This is gonna be a LONG week. Sigh....

How was your weekend?

Later,

Mama Dawg

P.S. We lost Johnny (named after Johnny from Grease 2...you know, Andrian Zmed's character) the beta fish, last night. Another one bites the dust!

P.S.S. Oh, yeah, my turtle saving count is now up to 4! For anyone who cares!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

After a little bit, I noticed that for some reason, the boat was moving. Around that time, Big C started yelling! Turns out, L hadn’t ground the boat good enough and it was floating way! With me ON IT!!!!! AND NO ONE ELSE!!!

So, I jumped up and while he was yelling instructions at me from the beach, I got the boat started. I accelerated the boat and when I did so, I gave it too much juice and it almost went completely vertical in the water! I quickly hit reverse and almost left the cove entirely. I had never piloted a boat before so I didn’t know that it only took a gentle touch to make the boat move. As quickly as I got it out of reverse, I slammed it forward again to accelerate and I almost crashed the boat! Luckily, I caught it in time and was able to bring it back to the shore and actually did a good job bringing it back to where it was initially parked.

L said he was laughing so hard, he almost fell down. B didn’t know what was going on because she was too busy trying to pee and L was laughing so hard he couldn’t tell her what had happened. Big C would not shut up about me almost crashing his boat and I just sat there all proud of myself for not crashing the boat and killing everyone!

We got back to the house and had yet another wonderful meal and lots of drinks. Big C’s friend, Bob (not his real name but that’s seriously what we called him the whole time), came over and ate with us.

(This is Bob demonstrating....god, I don't even remember, all I remember is that we were laughing so hard at this point...it had something to do with Big C having a woody at a strip club)

We all headed out to the island for more conversation and drinks. Except for a few snarky comments and Big C deciding my new name was Amy, it was fun. I stayed far away from Big C so it was all good. I had quit drinking around 5 that afternoon mostly due to all the Red Bull and vodka, the almost-crash and I felt I needed to stay sober after both of the “handsy” experiences. I didn’t have another drink the whole weekend (except for a taste of some scotch), so I was pretty much the only sober one there. Well, B wasn’t drunk and never did get drunk but she was feeling good. Bob got so drunk he fell out of his chair and L had to hop up real quick to keep him from going in the water or the fire pit! Bob was hysterical. He kept talking to us about his ex-wife that left him for another woman. He and Big C had obviously known each other for a while and had had lots of escapades together because most of the night was spent listening to the kind of trouble the two of them would get in to. Despite everything, some good times were had. Mostly at someone else’s expense, but hey, if you can’t laugh at people and their problems, who can you laugh at, right? (that’s a joke, by the way!)

(This is Bob after he fell out of his chair...he also vomited up his dinner which apparently was some sort of rice dish...don't ask me how I know that...shudder!)

(This is the fire that Bob almost fell in and that L had to rescue him from)

Later that night, Bob discovered he had lost his phone so Big C and L went to the island to look for it. While out there, L ended up walking right off the island into the water. I so wish I had been there to see that. It’s amazing he didn’t get hurt. Big C was laughing too hard to do anything but lay on the ground holding his sides. B and I were in the house watching TV when L comes in the house, dripping wet! I don’t think I laughed so hard that whole weekend. He looked like a drowned rat (sorry, L, but you did!).

The next day, it was kinda rainy so we mostly lolled around and went out on the boat briefly. Mostly looking for goodies to bring back to the kids. We hung out again on the little island for a while but mostly hung out on the porch of the house. Big C ended up apologizing to me for being so mean and I forgave him for that. Of course, no mention was made about Thursday night but I just let it go.

The next day was Sunday and it was time to go home. I never felt so relieved in my life. I missed my baby girl and was miserable from being so tense the whole weekend. The ride back was uneventful. When I got home, light of my life and my mom weren’t even there! As disappointed as I was, it gave me time to think about how to tell them about the weekend without making it sound like I was too miserable. I had been looking forward to this for a while and they were so excited for me to have a vacation that I didn’t want to make it seem horrible to them.

Friday morning, we slept in for quite a while and then got up and went to Wal-Mart. Just ask B, that was the scariest ass drive we’ve ever been on. I don’t know how many times we had to tell Big C to stay in his lane and to slow down. We had to go to Wal-Mart to stock up on food to eat that night. We farted around there for quite a while and then went back to the house. A little while later, we decided to go out on the boat for the rest of the afternoon.

(yes, this is me, on the boat...you can't see my face, but I'm soooo relaxed right now)

I’m still wary around Big C but he’s not acting strange or “handsy” or anything, so I slowly start letting my guard down.

However, I guess my “cold shoulder” got noticed by him after all cause he started getting real snarky towards me. He kept asking me OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again “What’s your problem? You’re angry about something. Seriously, you need to go see someone about that problem. I can help, tell me what it is.” This is one time when I didn’t keep my mouth shut and snapped back, “Have you ever thought that maybe I just don’t like YOU?” He just laughed. It kinda stayed this way the rest of the weekend.

There were moments when things were ok. But it took a lot on my part to act as normal as possible.

We all got our drink on. L had bought some Red Bull and we had tons of vodka so that’s what L and I were drinking for most of the afternoon. I guess the drinks were a little strong because I got buzzed and nearly drunk real quick (that and the lack of food for most of the weekend. When we did eat, it was delicious but I’m not a small girl and I need to eat breakfast, lunch AND dinner with a few snacks in between as well…boiled peanuts do not make for a good lunch…especially on Red Bull and vodka). I can remember that at one point, I was laying on my back on the boat seat and then I turned upside down to hang my head over the edge. For some reason, this made my head less “fuzzy”. At one point while I was relaxing like this (I wasn’t feeling sick or anything, just buzzing along real nice), Big C came over and again touched me on my legs! Seriously!

I’m usually not this much of a wimp when it comes to standing up for myself…especially if I feel violated. But, I really didn’t feel “violated” (and before anyone bothers to correct me on this…I know what it’s like to feel “violated” and this wasn’t really it). But, in this case, my neighbors are still “new” to me and I don’t want to rock the boat. I have to live by these people for a long time and I really, really like them. It put me in a bad spot and I hated that.

We cruised around for a bit longer and then ended up at the same little cove area where I peed a tree to death. B & L got off the boat to take care of business (L had to find a new tree to use since I killed the last one) and Big C got off the boat to hang with the dog. I went to the back of the boat to jump off the back to swim for a while.

This is where one of the most hysterical things happened the whole weekend!

I promise, I'll post Part 4 before I leave for the day. As much as I'd like to drag this out, I'm already bored by the story and I'm sure you guys are, too.

We went back to the house later that night and ate a delicious dinner. Big C knows how to cook. He made a delicious roast that had been cooking all day long. It has mushroom, yellow pepper, potatoes, carrots, onions, etc….Heaven in a crock pot.

We headed out then to the little island to hang out for a bit. In order to get to the island, you have to use a wooden pier that actually connects to the island. There’s a few trees and a fire pit. You can tell it’s a main hang out spot when the weather is good. We had a good time chatting and drinking (lots and lots of drinking). I got to hear several stories about L that I hadn’t heard before. Lots of laughter and a good time was had by all.

(The fire pit is in the middle)

So, we all go back inside to watch a little TV until it’s time for us all to head to bed. B & L have their own bedroom and so do I.

B & L are snuggling in a big chair in the living room and I decide to sit on the couch to the far right. I sort of curl up and lay my head down on the arm because by this time, I’m exhausted by all the alcohol and from being out on the lake most of the afternoon. Now, I’m curled up as tight as I can get in order to leave Big C some room to sit on the opposite end of the couch.

Is this what he does? Nope. Instead, he.sits.right.next.to.me.

Still not a problem. A little uncomfortable since I barely know the guy, but not really invading my personal space…yet.

A few minutes go by and he decides to lay his head down on my legs…that are curled up towards the rest of my body.

I’m shocked. Before I can say or do anything, he starts feeling up my legs. (to knock any naysayers, I was wearing an over sized t-shirt with a sports bra underneath and a pair of yoga pants. But no socks…cause…well, it was warm)

I have no clue what to do…I’m incredibly uncomfortable especially considering I didn’t think I had done anything at ALL to give him any idea that this was a good idea.

Who does this? Really, who does this?

Instead of making a big stink like I wanted to, I just start talking and then I sit up straight and watch a couple more minutes of TV and then I tell them that I’m calling it a night and I head back to my room. I’m so grateful that no one followed me.

Believe me, it was so hard for me not to cry or say something smart ass-y at that moment. I was trying to preserve the weekend for my friends since we still had two more nights and 3 more days there.

After sleeping on it, I decided not to say anything to him or to B & L and I just chalked it up to him being drunk and not really knowing what he was doing. I’m not going to change my mind on that thought because if I do, I’ll get the heebie-jeebies again.

Without going in to any details, let’s just say that I don’t have a good track record with men. Period. Several “incidents” happened to me from the time I was 13 on and I’m not entirely comfortable in a man’s presence. It takes me a while to warm up and even then, I’m still wary.

The only ones I’m comfortable around are (obviously) family and my neighbors. I don’t get creepy vibes from them but still, it took me a while to get comfy enough around them to become friends with them.

Well, for me, that pretty much ruined the weekend. Like I said, the saving grace was the dog and the lake itself.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

...and I got another award! This one is from Scargosun. I love her! She's been a regular reader for a couple of months now and she is one of the first to read me (besides my loyal readers like Tracey and Jodi and Mary and Karen and Vicki) when my blog started picking up speed. Now that I think about it, I can't remember exactly how she found me but I'm so grateful she did.

There are some rules to this award so here they go:

If you already have the award just accept and that's all you have to do.

1. You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserving of this award for their creativity, design, interesting material, and also contribute to the blogging community, no matter what language.

2. Each award has to have the name of the author and a link to his/her blog to be visited by everyone.

3. Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that presented her/him with the award.

4. The award winner and one who has given the prize have to show the link "Arte y Pico" blog so everyone will know the origin of this award.

5. Show these rules.

So, once again, I have all the power in my itty bitty hands.

I think I shall bestow this award on the following people:

Tracey at More Than A Minivan Momfor her very thought provoking posts. I don't always agree with what she says but I've never read anyone that can write about the topics that she writes about as eloquently as she does. If I wasn't so much in love with myself, I'd totally want to be Tracey.

Kathy at Mama's Losin' Itcause, well, she ROCKS!!!!! Plus, she's gonna marry Jared Letoone day and I feel like I need to get in on the ground floor of their budding romance now. That way they can see how loyal I've been and will reward me with all sorts of goodies like free concert tickets, free movie premiere tickets, a free laptop w/a lifetime paid Internet connection, a free car...do you sense a theme here for this poor girl? LOL! Seriously, her blog is deserving.

Dan at LiteralDan because he's so smart and intelligent and wise and...give me a second, I need to go to thesaurus.com to look up some more words for smart...BRB...ahhh forget it. You get my drift. He makes me feel smarter when I read him.

and last, but not nearly the least...the cutest guy on the 'net since my daughters boyfriend...

TentCamper from I Pee In The Windbecause...well...the name of his blog makes me laugh. And so does he.

Even though the rules don't allow me to do so, I'm gonna give out an honorary award anyway. Cause I'm just a rebel, that's why.

The honorary award go to...drum roll please....Bernardo and Guillermo at Two Knit Monkeys!!! I mostly want to see how they're going to pick up this obviously heavy award with two nipply hands! That and these little guys remind me so much of some brothers I used to baby-sit when I was a teenager.

Go forth and prosper, run like the wind, get the hell outta here and enjoy your awards! Y'all deserve it!

Later,

Mama Dawg

P.S. That was the toughest blog I've ever done. So many links! My hands hurt.

Here’s the story of that what went down the weekend we went to Lake Martin, Alabama.

Before we start, I need to let you know of a couple of other potential titles to this blog post. I went with the title above because, well, it’s such a funny statement for anyone to make but someone (Big C) said it. I’m probably gonna get all sorts of “wrong” traffic to this site, but who the hell cares!

Alternative Titles:

Indoor Voice (this is what Big C kept telling Bob to use when he was telling a story)L Said “Dude” 16 Times (L is not the type to use the word “dude” but he did…16 times)You Gotta Doodoo? (asked by Big C when B or I had to use the island “potty”)Spanish Lessons (Bob taught us that when you say the letters S-O-C-K-S, it sorta means, “that is it” or something like that)Amily (my new name…changed from Amy to Amily which is a combo of my real name and Amy)

L has been friends with Big C for a long time. It’s him we visited. He rents a place out on Lake Martin and has a dock from his yard leading to a tiny island that has a couple of trees and things.

We left on Thursday morning. We actually left twice because we hadn’t even gotten to the neighbors driveway before B & L realized they didn’t have the directions to where we were going. So, we turn around and get the directions. Mom saw the whole thing go down from the front porch and called me on my cell asking if we had fun and she was surprised we came back so soon. After calling her a smartass, we hung up. We got back on the road and the trip down was fine. L drove the whole way down. B and I just chilled in the car. The ride down and the ride back was nothing story worthy, so we’ll just skip ahead to our arrival.

We arrived later in the afternoon. We had stopped at a gas station nearby before we got there so we could get some cold beers for when we got to the house.

Big C comes out and enthusiastically greets us with hugs and kisses.

Before we go further, just know that I can usually size people up pretty quickly after meeting them. I’m rarely surprised and it’s rare that my first impression is wrong. I have been wrong on two occasions (that I know of) and have admitted it to both parties each time with an apology. One was my friend J down in Florida and one was pretty recently. But not Big C.

I’ve known guys like him all my life. Guys like him and I don’t get along. At all. Period. That’s all I’m gonna say on this subject because I like my neighbors and want to stay friends with them. They read this blog.

However, I was raised by a mama that taught me, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. Boy, did I have to bite my tongue the whole weekend. I’m surprised I didn’t bite it right off.

So, I kept my mouth shut and just suffered the whole weekend. By keeping quiet (except for the couple of times I just had to react), it did lesson the tension and it saved the weekend for me.

That and the lake itself. And copius amounts of alcohol.

Anyway, after he greeted us, we went inside and got a tour of the place. The house is absolutely beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, etc….The view is even better.

After chit-chatting and doing some catch up, we unpacked and Big C said we were going to go out on the boat. I quickly grabbed my camera and we headed out. Oh, lord. It was spectacular. The view, the water, the islands, the houses. Absolutely stunning.

The boat ride was relaxing and soothing and thrilling and just a lot of fun. Big C’s dog, Buttermilk, went with us. That is one hell of a dog. I kept teasing Big C the whole weekend about taking his dog. He’s a rescue dog and is just beautiful.

Big C pointed out various houses to us and showed us a $24 million dollar house owned by a guy that’s currently sitting in prison. The boat house alone was bigger than my house and my neighbors COMBINED!

We got off on an island and walked around it for a bit. We went to a local marina to get some gas. B and I went inside the marina to use the potty and to look around. We refreshed our drinks and headed back out.

We stopped by a little cove to take yet another potty break. L is still, to this day, accusing me of killing a tree that I peed behind. He said I caused the water in the lake to rise an inch and that I drowned several small animals.

Yay! It's another Movie Madness Carnival hosted by our lovely hostess with the mostess, Jen from Daily Mish Mash! She's also having a lovely giveaway that you can find here. It's a movie junkies favorite kind of giveaway! We're talking a movie gift card, popcorn and candy! Yummmmmm......

I love these! Movies (watching, not making) are my passion. Just ask anyone.

Last time I did a general post about movies but kinda focused on Dirty Dancing a bit.

I'm changing it up this time. Today, I'm doing a review. Boo, hiss, blech...I know, reviews can kinda suck but I felt it was necessary for this particular movie.

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS!!!

Ok, let's get into this review.

Wow!

That's it.

No? That's not considered a review. Sigh.......

I really don't know exactly how I feel about this movie. It was a last minute grab out of the $5 bin at Wal-Mart.

I remember reading in my crackazines (US, People, Entertainment Weekly, etc...) about this movie and being intrigued with the premise.

I popped it in Sunday night after light of my life went to sleep. I had the living room to myself and thought I'd pop it in to see what it was all about.

Just FYI, it's a rated R movie, so no kiddos need to be awake to accidentally catch any of this.

It stars Ellen Page of Juno fame and Patrick Wilson of Little Childrenfame. Sandra Oh makes an appearance but for you Grey's Anatomy fans, if you're watching this just because she's in it, don't bother. Her appearance in this movie equal a whopping total of about 4 minutes.

If you like happy endings and all questions answered in your movies, this is not a movie for you. This is an independent film and you can tell.

I don't mean that in a negative way. It's just a powerful and unique film.

It starts off with Ellen Page's character, Hayley, and Patrick Wilson's character, Jeff, chatting on IM. It's pretty obvious that the conversation is between a teenage girl and an older male. Not to give too much away...they agree to meet.

The next scene sets it up to them meeting in a cafe. They start to talk and you can sense his attraction to her but you can also tell that he's not wanting to make it too obvious since he's in his thirties and she's, well, not.

She finagles an invite to his apartment to listen to a download of a song from a concert and he (instead of backing off) agrees.

They head over to his apartment and things start taking that uncomfortable turn that all parents dread in this day and age. It appears that Hayley initiates the sequence of events by pouring both of them some screwdrivers and asking Jeff to take pics of her (he's a photographer). She pops in a c.d. and takes off her shirt to reveal a sports bra and starts to dance on the sofa while Jeff starts to take pictures. A few minutes into the session, Jeff faints.

When he awakens, he finds himself tied to a chair with Hayley watching him.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is where the movie takes a hard left and never lets up.

Hayley is convinced Jeff is a pedophile and that he's had something to do with the disappearance of a local girl.

Now, normally, in movies and sometimes in real life, there's an obvious monster and an obvious hero.

But not in this one.

As much as you want to see Hayley as some vigilante who's out to rid the world of a pedophile, she's goes way beyond vigilantism and into torture.

And Jeff, well, as despicable as he seems, there's no clear cut answer to whether he had something to do with the disappearance of the local girl or even if he's a pedophile. Sure, he seems a little too interested in Hayley and the teenage girls who's modeled for him, but we never really get a definitive answer to this question. There are scenes set up to make you believe that he has something to hide (a secret safe hidden in a piece of art that contains photos including one of the missing girl) but since we never see any of the photos except for the one of the missing girl fully clothed, there is no scene that says "Jeff Kohlver is a pedophile and here are the pictures to prove it".

I'm not gonna give any more away because, really, you need to watch the movie to really grasp the pure terror of the psychological and physical torture Hayley puts to Jeff.

Neither character is likable in the slightest. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that the most likable character in this whole movie is the one played by Sandra Oh as a nosy neighbor.

There are some surprises in store for the viewer and even though I'm not a man, there is one scene where even I cringed and felt for Jeff's character.

And really, that's what makes this movie so impossible to pigeonhole for me. I don't really have any one character to root for. During most of the movie, I feel for Hayley and support her but then there are times when I feel for Jeff.

Ellen Page is just so perfect for this part and so wonderful as a 14 (we think) year old girl. I really haven't seen too much of either her work or Patrick Wilson's so I have nothing to compare it to (I haven't watched Juno, yet) but the acting seems really tight and raw in this movie.

I really do recommend this movie. It's not a happy feel good movie but is, beyond a doubt, an interesting one.