'America's Next Top Model' recap: As if Your Soul is Gone

Tyra and her terrible roots tell the Top 13 there are some changes this season: Everything will be graded, and that scores will be quantitative rather than qualitative, which is kind of like college, I guess. There's a product-placement closet winners can raid, and every week there will be a chance to win a $10,000 scholarship money deposit, but only the winner will get to cash their check. That just seems cruel.

Just when all of the ladies are hanging and Victoria is freaking everyone out, a loud thud is heard... and after a brand new theme song, the girls run downstairs only to find the Iota Phi Theta Step Team, comprised of "fine chocolate men" dancing with great power. Then dreamy Rob Evans comes out to melt our hearts and tell the ladies that they're going to Hollywood.

They party-bus off to a club where we meet a Miss Jay rip-off, who tells the crew how important it is to connect with the public, considering they'll be voting this time around and everything. Whoever brings it the most, Rob tells us, gets a fancy-looking key and wins the mini-challenge... which involves walking a runway in a club, not unlike a stripper. This whole thing is painfully low budget.

All of the walks are pretty much the same, except mean girl Kristin's butt hangs out, Harvard Maria is totally boring and trips a little bit, Yvonne does impressive kicks and then Victoria brining the sexxx like the weird relative at the bar mitzvah she is. Fake Miss Jay crowns Yvonne, who is this year's most voluptuous contestant.