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GAMING NEWS

Dead or Alive 5 Preboob, erm, Cleaview, er, Dang it, PREVIEW. (TGS)

Some things never change. Among the world's unchanging wonders, one can list the size and the physics of the boobs on Dead or Alive's cast members. I haven't played a Dead or Alive game since the first PlayStation and was surprised (not really) to see them still being just as over-the-top as they were in the first game.

I mean, I knew the girls dressed skimpy and they had big jugs, but I wasn't sure about the hyper-bouncing physics. Those things are still just plain defying every law of motion and physics and time and space and gods and men that scientists and theologians have spent millenia documenting. If I were the universe, I would be mad as hell. But I'm not the universe, I'm a male human married to a somewhat jealous female human, so I have to hide the fact that I kind of enjoy glancing at the digiboobs.

Insecure about my relationship, I chose to play as some old Chinese man with a hat. Gen Fu? Kung Fu? Kung Lao? I don't remember and I didn't write it down.

"See, world, I'm not interested in the boobs, I'm really here for the fighting game!" I passive-aggressively told the world around me with my pick.

"Now my opponent's gonna show me some boobs," I schemed.

I was matched up against a dude in a karate gi. Skunked. Oh well. I complained that he looked like someone out of Virtua Fighter, and the booth attendants told me that "He is from Virtua Fighter! That's Akira!" They need to learn how to argue, because that is not a very good comeback, honestly.

Gen Fu, man, can't throw. I wanted to pull off a sweet throw because I love doing that in fighting games, but whew, this guy was stinking up the barn. And barns smell horrible. He can do enough other stuff for me to take out karate boy though.

It's Dead or Alive, and I just knocked out a dude with a dude, so here come the big ol' titties! Right?
I drew Hayabusa next.

My boner rage destroyed Hayabusa and I was ready to end Tokyo if I didn't get some sweet action in the next fight. Boom, Sarah Bryant baby, dressed in something that makes absolutely no sense to walk around in, let alone fight a kung fu master. But seriously, she'd like, take a single step forward and her boobs would bounce so hard I thought she was going to lose a tooth. This is awesome but so, so bad at the same time.

Oh and the ah, fighting game itself was fine. It's 3D fighting with the Dead or Alive twist. You know the deal. Seemed fun enough.