Thursday, July 29, 2010

With my pending birth nuptials tomorrow, I am feeling pretty 'meh' , thus causing me to write. I'm turning 29, which means it's almost the end of my twenties which means I will soon no longer be a 'pretend' adult and have to be a real one. Imma have to get used to the number 3 pretty damn soon innit? Here are 29 things I have learnt ...

NOBODY WILL JUDGE YOU IF YOU OPT FOR CUTLERY - I never quite got the hang of chopsticks.

IF HE CAN'T GET HARD THE FIRST TIME, DUMP HIM - Brutal, but you know it makes sense.

THE 'ADVICE' IN FASHION MAGAZINES ARE WRITTEN BY SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED BORING BITCHES WITH ZERO IMAGINATION - Except for Vogue. And Yen - because I am doing the writing for that one. Contradiction you say? Fuck off, it's MY blog.

PARTY HARD - As long as its not hurting anyone and you're having a good time. And go easy on the party favours.

START SAVING AS SOON AS YOU START EARNING - Getting sexy new things is dope, but being broke ain't sexy.

USE EYE CREAM - Prevention is way better than the fuck show that is botox.

MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON YOUR GUT INSTINCT - And not based another persons agenda. The only person who has your best interests at heart is YOU. And God - and not even he speaks up when you most need him.

STAY IN TOUCH WITH PEOPLE THAT MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU - Even if it's just one email a year, it makes the difference.

IF YOU HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE IN, GET OUT EARLY - Don't stretch it to longer than a year. And when I say doubts I mean life changing doubts, not doubts about curtain colours.

DON'T LIKE YOUR JOB? - Change it. It really is that simple and you know it.

DON'T BE AFRAID OF HARD WORK - And don't let hard work fuck you.

TRY NOT TO OVER ANALYSE EVERY FREAKIN MOVE - Risks are good for the soul. Well, maybe not for the soul, but they make you hella less boring.

YES GIRLS, THERE IS SUCH A THING AS FEMALE EJACULATION - If homeboy is able to make you squirt...he's a keeper.

SO YOU DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND/MORTGAGE/KIDS - AND YOU ARE ALMOST 30? - *round of applause* you've obviously been having a life. And you do have all those things? Ditto. Different strokes for different folks peeps.

YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOVE THE SKIN YOU'RE IN - Plus you will learn to rock the hell out of it.

WHO CARES WHAT PEOPLE THINK? Nobody. That's who.

HAVE LOTS OF SEX - Lots.

YOUR FOLKS AREN'T PERFECT - It doesn't make them bad people it just makes them people. You aren't meant to be under their wings forever anyway. Fly my babies...FLY!

GET RID OF DEAD WEIGHT - And by weight I mean physical as well as any people clutter you may have hanging around. You are allowed a certain amount in your twenties, but near the end you need to start doing some emotional/physical/people spring cleaning yo!

USE A FUCKING CONDOM - For the love of God and unwanted pregnancies/genital disease.

TATTOOS ARE FINE - Just don't choose dumb ones and don't be hasty.

FIND OUT WHAT YOU ARE GOOD AT - And pimp the life out of it. You were meant to, it's why you have the talent! Singing/drawing/writing/painting/selling stuff/teaching/creating/being good with kids/being good with animals/blow jobs/making people laugh/dressing well/doing fancy things on the internet (not making DIY porn with an unsuspecting other) - whatever it is ... just do it.

DRESS TO IMPRESS - If for no other reason than it is alot of fun.

READ THE PAPER, WATCH THE NEWS - We live in a fucked up world, and it's better the devil you know.

BEING A RACIST OR A HOMOPHOBE WILL GET YOU NOWHERE - Like, it will totally get you voted off the island.

GET RID OF YOUR 'TYPE' AND BE OPEN TO ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE, IN ALL SHAPES AND SIZES - Broaden your horizons, there are many undiscovered treasures out there in the form of some quite wonderful people. And be aware, there are also a fair few cunts.

LIFE ISN'T A RACE, IT'S A MARATHON - A 19 year old said this to me a month ago. Go Figure.