28 November 2013

A lot of times I come prepared with something to write about - with an idea or point specifically I want to write about, or more so a point I hold onto as to ensure I have 'something' to write about, as another way to get this over with, to make sure I have something so I'm not feeling like I have nothing to offer or.... it's like a long pause here and second guessing myself in this moment, wanting to stop and try something else. Always looking for the best way to place myself as these words, or how can I do something 'better' that will make me more comfortable within how I think I am presenting myself to others and how in turn others will respond/react to me and of course, always wanting the most desirable outcome

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to prepare and present myself as these words in a way that makes me look the best and that will give me the results of others liking and accepting me and forming ideas about me that are positive and might make me feel good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to accept this definition of myself that suggests I require validation and acceptance from others, in fear of others responding negatively and so always want to be in a position where I am most likely to be accepted

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall in not standing within principles, in fear of causing reactions within others where others might see me in a negative way - to actually give up who I am within principles simply for a pleasant perception of myself by others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and who I am and how I express myself within fear of others seeing me negatively

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to accept myself as requiring acceptance and validation from others and to within this, compromise myself, my life, my process and principles that stand within what is best for all simply to feed the insecurities that suggest I require others to accept me

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted myself fully and absolute as who I am, here as life as breath, in every moment, and so seek this outside/separate from me here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate moments of not accepting myself in allowing myself to fall into the trap of thinking and believing 'if I do this, others will like and accept me' and thus live my life according to this idea instead of living according to principles and stopping the idea that I require others to give to me anything as if I am not absolutely capable of living fully and for real here as myself in each and every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dare seek outside of myself what I have suppressed within me which is self acceptance, self love and self enjoyment as getting to know myself, my expression, my self worth equal as life and what I have to offer not only to myself but all life equally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within inferiority throughout my life as seeing myself separate and less than others and thus less than and separate from life - not giving myself the opportunity to stand up, dust myself off and start walking, facing all of me as who I am as an equal part of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others as inFEARiority and to within this feel powerless and out of control and then turn and want to project this experience towards others where I can assert my power and control as superiority - becoming the abuser I've blamed for my inferiority and thus continuing the cycles of abuse we have accepted as the inequality of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others and thus life within standing superior to others, within a starting point of inferiority - thinking I am not good enough and thus need to reach this higher platform to prove to others I am not that which I am accepting of myself as inferiority, yet as my words and actions and experience imply, I have accepted it as myself - I have accepted myself as inferiority and from this negative starting point - desire, wish, hope and move myself to become superior in a way thinking this is a solution to my experience instead of realizing it is the trap of consciousness as ego, stuck in polarity and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the simple solution of stopping polarity as inferiority and superiority through becoming/standing/realizing/living EQUALLY with and as as myself, with and as ALL others - none more or less then me here

When and as I see myself participating in the polarity game, sustaining consciousness as the limited expression we have accepted as who we are, standing in separation of what life really is, equal and one - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the in and out breath as my physical body and stop the energies or thoughts or back chats or emotions or feelings I am participating within that support this idea of inferiority or superiority and instead stand in the moment, with what is here as the physical, equal with all that is here as me, within and without

When and as I see myself attempting to assert my superiority unto others, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to the moment, as myself, as the breath and do not continue such participation as I see/realize/understand that my desire to be superior and project this unto others is coming from within/as a starting point of FEAR as inferiority and thus I do not allow myself to play the game, the polarity trap, and instead give myself the time and space to investigate where I am accepting and allowing myself to stand inferior to others and thus inferior to life and so I commit myself to walk the process of removing the ideas of separation as inequality within/as me as inferiority/superiority and instead bring myself back to physical living and life where all are equal as the matter that is here and that as who we really are

I commit myself to investigate and rid all relationships within/as me that exist within the polarity of superiority and inferiority - to no longer allow the abuse of life as superiority and the suppression of life as inferiority and instead give all life a chance to express, to be here and to stand with and as each other as the equal value and worth we have - seeing beyond the limited view of the mind that cause conflict and friction and thus a life of dis-harmony as inequality

I commit myself to align myself to/as equality and oneness as a principled living within the tools of writing, breathing, self honesty, self forgiveness and self corrective application, to no longer believe in and accept myself as separate from any form of life as inferior or superior and instead take the stance that is truly best for all within/as equality and oneness

26 November 2013

Something I am noticing within myself recently is this point of 'acting out' in reaction and then later coming back to whomever it was that I acted out towards or was around me when I was in a reaction and saying, "I'm sorry - I see I reacted, that was unnecessary, forgive me" as a way to take responsibility for how I acted/reacted.

There is nothing wrong with this necessarily, I mean after a reaction, I face the fact that I was reacting and experience the guilt or shame that comes with not standing in a moment and it can be a point of support to learn/understand what happened in that moment and how I can thus correct it in future moments.

Yet I'm seeing this is becoming frequent and suggest I am not actually getting to know the reactions/why I am reacting and walking the process necessary to correct it and create solutions for me to utilize in such moments and instead just allowing myself to go into them, to act out, and then later attempt to take responsibility in saying "I'm sorry"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself in moments where I see I am going into a reaction as a form of frustration or blame towards my external world/environment and/or those within it and instead allow myself to become possessed as acting out the reactions and then only later realize what I did/allowed and then attempt to take responsibility for it as coming back and saying, "I'm sorry, I see what I did and it was not cool" and in a way 'explaining myself' as a way even to justify what I had allowed when in reality, there's no excuse when I could have acted within the principle of prevention and Stopped myself in the moments of heading into a reaction through utilizing breathing and slowing myself down as taking back the power and control to not allow energy as emotions 'take me over' and thus abdicate the responsibility I have to myself, here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'make okay' the reactions I act out with others in coming back to them and saying "I'm sorry, I was reacting, that was not cool" as a way to take responsibility yet continue to repeat the miss-take of allowing reactions to take me over in the first place and so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow a destructive pattern to continue within/as me and in my living as allowing myself to go into energy as emotional reactions in not investigating the moments that triggered such reactions and thus give myself solutions in how to correct the point instead of repeating the same point/pattern

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the reactions I allow within me in moments through blame towards my external environment and those within it in thinking and believe 'they' are the cause for the reactions, instead of realizing the reaction exists within me and thus my responsibility and despite what is going on 'outside of me' I am always in a position to stand stable and self directive and thus have no real excuse as to why I would allow reactions to 'take me over'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into embarrassment when I see how I've acted out within a reaction and to within this, use as a starting point for apologizing to another for the way I behaved, as a way to save face and an attempt to take responsibility, yet still within self interest as I was 'worried' at how I looked and was perceived by another and knowing that I 'let myself down' as not allowing myself to stand and not accept and allow a reaction, instead I acted out and thus wanted to take back the powerlessness I felt when I saw I reacted and how another might have saw me within that

When and as I see myself acting out as reacting within myself towards what's going on in my external environment and towards others in my external environment, I stop and I breathe and I slow myself down in this moment as I see/realize/understand the pattern here I've played out and that requires to be corrected as stopping myself from allowing myself to exist as reactions that then lead me to only later attempt to take responsibility for who I was in that moment of reactions, instead of realizing I don't even have to allow the play out, I can stop it as I see/realize/understand that my apologizing later is not really taking responsibility for myself, it's an attempt to 'make up' for who I was and to soothe the guilt I experience in seeing who I was in such a moment of reactions

And so when and as I see myself feeling guilty or embarrassed for past behaviors as reactions I allowed myself to act out and thus desire to within this starting point, apologize to others who might have seen my behavior, I stop and I breathe and do not allow this to be the reason for apologizing, instead I breathe and look at the moment as what triggered the reaction, what were the thoughts, the feelings, the emotions and thus apply the self forgiveness and corrective statements to support myself in stopping myself from acting out reactions

I commit myself to apply the principle of prevention, especially when I see certain patterns playing out within me and in my reality and so instead of repeating the same miss-take, become self responsible in the moment I see the reactions starting and me wanting to act them out, I stop here, and I breathe and ground myself and do not allow myself to be influenced by the reactions and instead decide to direct myself in the moment in not 'going into' the reaction

I commit myself to to stop living patterns that are self destructive and do not support me within life and living to the best of my ability

I noticed at work a lot of reactions within my mind in relation to specific beings in my reality.

The reactions were in the form of blame and anger and the more these thoughts/reactions were coming up - the more outwardly I expressed this anger as an expression of myself as my words and physical movement/behavior and allowed it to exist as me in who I was at work. Meaning - a co-worker was being playful with me and joking around and I was 'stuck' in this mode of anger because I was giving attention to what was going on within my mind that was anger and blame and resentment towards another. The 'another' was not physically in my environment so obviously this is the Mind at work, and it's points that have been surfacing over the last few weeks that I have made a point to write out for myself but have not gotten to it yet.

And so I became angry and expressed this friction I was having within myself towards this other being in my actual, physical environment. I mean I 'attempted' to get through it in speaking about my experience and what was going on and how I was in that moment reacting and now I was in 'a mood'. But that is absolutely unacceptable because I could have simply seen what I was doing/participating within, realizing it's a point I've had the opportunity to work with but had not yet given myself the time/space to do so and so here it was coming up again, yet I was at work and so in that moment, I could have stopped, breathed and not allowed myself to go into/exist in/validate the energetic experience I was having of the emotion of anger and resentment and instead flag the point for myself to work with later, and thus not allow it to influence who I am/was in that moment and how I interacted with others.

So forgiveness tonight on the point of allowing myself to participate in thoughts/back chats as reactions within my mind and then through this participation, generate the energy as emotions of anger, blame and resentment and then from here, express it outwardly in my physical reality and towards people in my reality, who are not the one's I am actually 'upset with' or having a reaction towards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts/back chats within my mind as anger and blame and resentment toward another as reacting to them and the past experiences with them as an act of separating myself from my actual physical reality/environment and so within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in separation of myself here, as the present moment, in reacting to past experiences with another as the form of memories within my mind and thus existing in separation as the past, carrying the past with me instead of releasing and letting go of that which I am still reacting to, from the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see these reactions points coming up within me over the last couple weeks but not make it a priority to work with in terms of writing them out, applying self forgiveness and scripting the correction/solution of how to direct myself in relation to these points and thus cause the continued existence of the reactions as energy/emotions of anger, blame and resentment to exist within me to the point where I become possessed by these reactions and thus validate them through outwardly expressing them as my words and behaviors when interacting with my actual, real, physical reality

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the reactions/back chats/thoughts coming up within my mind about/towards another in my life through becoming angry and resentful towards them

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the energy of anger and blame and resentment I created within my mind towards another being in my world in defining myself and accepting myself in 'a mood' and use this as a justification for allowing my behavior and words to change in my physical reality, while at work, and how I was interacting with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by the reactions/thoughts/back chats as anger, blame and resentment coming up withing my mind as becoming this anger, blame and resentment energy as how I physically expressed myself as my words and behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop myself in the moment of seeing myself reacting within my mind about another that is NOT in my immediate physical reality, as a point of support in remaning 'here' and with/as breath and in/as the physical reality through realizing that if I am thinking about someone that is not directly in my physical environment, then I am in the mind and thus use the support to stop and breathe and not continue to participate in the mind as the reaction

When and as I see myself reacting within anger, blame and resentment within my mind towards another that is not in my immediate environment, I stop and I breathe and bring myself out of the mind and back into/as physical reality, as my physical body as I see/realize/understand that if I am thinking about someone that is not directly in my environment, then I am in the mind and thus I commit myself to use this point of knowledge as a support for awareness application to stop myself from participating within the mind, bring myself back to REALity and not sustain myself within participating in the illusions of the mind

When and as I see myself participating in reactions within my mind such as back chats that then generate the energy as emotions of blame, anger and resentment that then influence me in changing me in that moment as wanting to outwardly express the reactions, I stop and I breathe and I support myself to slow down and breathe through the energetic reaction and flag the moment for myself to then take into writing and self forgiveness as a point of self investigating to see what is going on and thus not allowing it to influence me while at work, or in any moment in physical reality as it's an act of separation and so I commit myself to not allow reactions to influence me in the moment as wanting to express them as myself but instead give myself the time available i Have later in my day to see what is going on and release the reactions from me

When and as I see myself reacting within blame, resentment and anger towards another based on past experiences and moments with them, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself out of the reaction and into/as physical reality as my physical body as standing within the present moment as I see/realize/understand that to react to another from past moments with them, I am stuck in the past and thus separating myself from what is real here and so I commit myself to investigate the points I am holding onto as reacting to another from past moments and take into self forgiveness and self correction as changing myself in relation to the past, to see where/why I reacted and to give myself the support in how to approach similar situations in the future while supporting myself equally to remain within the present moment here, and not within the past as the memories within my mind

When and as I see myself accepting myself to be within 'a mood' that I see clearly is being influenced through participating in my mind, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to the point of self direction in not allowing myself to be influenced by what is going on within my mind but to instead stand stable within myself and direct myself to not be directed by the mind, and so I commit myself to breathe through any reactions to ensure I do not 'go into it' as becoming the reactions as a form of possession and instead breathe and direct myself to investigate the points when I am able within writing and self forgiveness, but to support myself to be in/as the moments of my days as the process of becoming self directive principle of me always, in all ways and no longer a slave to my mind

When and as I see a point of reaction coming up within my mind towards another, I stop and I breathe and I make it a note to work with what I am reacting to/what is going on within my mind as I see/realize/understand that if I don't, it will keep coming back and keep coming back until I direct the reactions within me and so as a point of prevention, I commit myself to write about any reactions or energies coming up within me that I see are 'here' and ready to be worked with and so not allowing myself to put it away and put it away until I reach a point where I become possessed in my physical reality due to not giving attention/direction to the reactions within my mind that have been continuously coming up - and so even I commit myself to flag any points that I see surface more than once as a point of support to remind myself that this is something that requires my attention and so I commit myself to write it out, apply self forgiveness and self corrective statements as to actually direct myself in walking through the mind/facing myself as my mind and releasing myself from the reactions of the mind as an actual act of separation that keeps me in the mind and no here, fully participating in/as physical reality

22 November 2013

***This is another blog taken from my own writing before and in relation to my trip to NY

Monday, November 18th, 2013

Today a pimple is emerging on the left side of my face, right outside of my lips and it’s swollen a bit which I have had this same point emerge before. When I saw it, I reacted to it and thought “Oh no – not while I’m on camera” and I imagined it would get bigger and I would look foolish and not attractive on television. I then imagined my face breaking out and not ‘feeling’ good about the interview and in this fear my experience would become unstable and not be able to effectively communicate within the interview.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within a pimple growing on my face and within this fear it will only get bigger and it will be apparent on television and then within this feared others judging me as I've judged myself as not looking good with the pimple

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to know what points specifically this pimple is manifesting from out of fear of having it on Wednesday and within this desiring to be able to find the point, release the point through self forgiveness and have it gone by Wednesday

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to use/apply myself within self forgiveness purely for vanity reasons so that I don’t have to face the definitions I have given to myself within how my face looks

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pimples as ugly and unattractive and within a negative polarity charge and to within this – fear experiencing/facing the definitions I have given to pimples, instead of embracing the pimples as a manifestations of my physical body that perhaps is supporting me within my process and releasing any points that I have not yet able to effectively identify and release myself

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how others see me and to within this fear others will judge me and define me according to how I’ve judged and defined myself within having a pimple

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care more about what I look like on television than who I am as a being, an individual and the process I have walked and the experiences that I’ve had and so within this, what I’ve come to know about myself and realize within the potential of expressing life in equality

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my experience must change if I were to have a pimple, instead of realizing that if I allow this then I am less than the pimple and so I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the pimple on my face as who I am here as my physical body through defining it within a negative polarity charge of energy and definition

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being on camera, to fear being in the public eye and sharing myself in fear others will judge me to have a weak character for having an addiction to weed, instead of realizing that it’s what I did yet it’s no longer a part of my life besides the fact that it was a point and process and journey I had to walk through to support me to realize who I really am and so instead of judging my past, face my past and share it without shame within the principle of what is best for all as here I realize someone else might experience what I've gone through and within this – reach out and find solutions for themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself within the future as imagination within my mind as being in NY at the studio and imagining energy as fear and anxiety take me over and not be able to stabilize myself instead of remaining here, practicing breathing – which is the application I can utilize to support myself within walking moment to moment and being able to stand unconditional in what I share – not fearing to hide anything in me realizing that I’m grateful for what I've gone through because I’m grateful for where I am now

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to place value on how others might see me on the show and to within this allow reactions of fear and resistance to exist within me in trusting the opinions of others about me instead of trusting myself as who I am here and the process I've walked to get me to where I am today

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others not being able to understand me and the words I speak when in the interview – fearing being to vague and not making sense instead of stopping and using the moment to bring myself here, stand in the moment as here and express myself unconditionally without fear of what others think or say or do about me within realizing that it does not reflect or define who I am – I do that in every moment

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being liked

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear putting myself out there in fear of the consequences it will create

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to make this interview more than what it is, and more than myself and to within this create fear as inferiority in thinking I don’t deserve this or think it doesn't make sense for me to do this and to within this think I cannot do this, instead of realizing that everything is specific and I will myself to stand within the principle of self responsibility, honesty, openness and unconditional expression of who I am as the words I speak

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to think weed is something I should be ashamed about to be addicted to

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to desire attention and respect for going on the show and sharing my story of being addicted to weed in defining this as something shameful and foolish and so in facing this, think others should respect me for it as a way to make myself feel better within the fear

When and as I see myself reacting to how I look physically and fearing having pimples on my face as how others might see/judge me as I've allowed myself to see/judge myself, I stop and I breathe and bring myself out of the mind and back here in/as my physical body in standing equal to ALL of my physical body - which includes the pimple and become grateful for the support of my physical body in releasing any emotional reactions or excess toxins through/as the pimple and stop giving value vanity over the functioning of the physical body and so I commit myself to breathe and stand with my body and no in the mind as separating myself in defining myself according to pictures and images I've used to compare and define myself as either positive or negative, I stand here with physical reality and my physical body in/as equality and oneness

When and as I see myself projecting myself into the future in fear of not being able to communicate or express myself effectively, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself out of the mind and back here into/as physical reality and not allow myself to create reactions through participating in the mind as I see/realize/understand that I've walked a process in establishing myself within self support and thus am able to support myself to walk moment to moment and let go of any reactions as energies through the mind and allow myself to simply be in the moment, enjoying and expressing myself to the best of my ability, unconditionally

When and as I see myself fearing how others will see me or judge me for my past in being addicted to weed - I stop and I breathe and do not allow myself to value another perception of me over who I am as a living, breathing being here and use how i live and the principles I apply in my life to determine who I am and no be defined by my past and bring through the awareness that I have openly shared my past addictions and there is no shame as it is a process I've walked through in my life to get me to a point where I am now and that is within the process of talking self responsibility for myself and who I am and how I live and thus no judgment for the life I have lived, only reflection and investigating as to why and how I function and for what reasons and re-aligning it to be within principles that create and transform me into a being of integrity, honesty, openness and self directive in each moment here and thus able to stand without being influenced by others opinions or perspective of me but living in ways where I can stand by and as who I am here without shame or fear

Tomorrow I am going to NY to be interviewed on a talk show. Lol - that is not something someone might write everyday.

I was invited to be on the Dr. Oz show to discuss my past experience of having an addiction to weed. Yes - I was addicted to weed and don't believe the myth that you can't get addicted to weed. Absolutely you can, because it's not actually the weed you are addicted to - it's the feeling and experience you create when 'being high' and so whether it's smoking weed or shopping or eating or drinking alcohol - there is a specific experience one generate in the action that we become addicted to. The 'feel good' energy, the 'letting loose' feeling, the 'relaxing' sensation or the 'I have no worries' belief. When in reality, we are not willing to face ourselves in how we actually experience ourselves, day in and day out, moment to moment, so we use a substance or a specific behavior that allows for a temporary relief, thinking that within this, we are actually escaping from ourselves.

So this is what the discussion will be about - weed and addiction. It's been three years since the last time I smoked weed and now having this opportunity to share my story with it, it's almost like a 'oh yeah - I forgot that I had that addiction - I forgot what a major point that was actually in my life, and for as long as it was.' My dependency-relationship with weed was on and off for about 9 years.

I can sit here and say I have absolutely overcome my addiction to weed, I have no thoughts, needs, desires or urge to have that in my life - but you see, the addiction personality still exists. It seems so many things in my life I have allowed this 'over use' to exist where I just want more and more and more of one thing that will give me a particular positive experience. So if it wasn't weed, it was relationships. If it wasn't relationships, it was certain foods. If it wasn't certain foods, it was something else, anything in my life that I saw if I did it and it made me food good, I wanted more of it. It's like you have that one moment with something that you allow an experience within yourself where you are like, "omg - this is great, this feels so good, I cannot believe how much I am enjoying this" and then the everlasting chase begins.

You don't want it to end, you never want it to end, you just want more and more and more. It's the ultimate point of our consumerism world - you consume and consume and consume, whatever it is you are using to get your 'high' until you have consumed your whole life and self unto this one point. And that one point becomes your god, your dependent, your crutch. You cannot leave your house or enjoy being with friends or finish a shift at work without having this high or thoughts about having this high. I mean that is how it was for me - I took my use of weed to the extreme. To the point where I was doing it in secret, I was hiding the reality of how much I was using it. I was looking for it from friends, I was sneaking in a hit here and there when no one was around, I would opt out of hanging out with people to stay home and just get high. I would run off to the bathroom when I was out at bars to take a quick hit. It was like, I couldn't stand to be here, without any experiences that I got from weed, and so I thought I 'needed' it. I mean it came in waves and sometimes I was better within it than other times during that 9 years, but I allowed it to have complete power over me in terms of having to arrange my life around making sure I had the pot.

I am ranting a bit here and did want to bring a specific point through into this blog tonight. So here was just a very quick re-cap of my relationship towards weed throughout my life. I stopped going to high school during my use and ended up going to treatment, by my own decision. I was not happy with what I was doing and was tired of the consistency of my behavior, that I saw was not cool. So you could say I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, because with any point you use to get your high, eventually the reality of who you are within it is unavoidable and the destructive behavior spills into your reality as consequences. For me, it was the internal consequences I was creating, the more I did it, the more I thought I needed it and the more it created the experience of myself when not on it that I did actually need it. Trapping myself in my own creation.

So I went to treatment and stopped using weed for a couple years. I finished high school at a sober school and hung out with people who were my age and stopping their own addictions. I started working and stayed sober, like I said, for a couple years. Then, one day, the moment I can still clearly see, I decided I wanted to drink alcohol. When I stopped smoking weed, I also stopped drinking alcohol. But that moment, when I was about 20 years old, I opened the door up again for the creation of my addiction. First it was alcohol, but over time and after being around it enough - the weed re-entered my life. Coming from the past I had of being addicted to weed, I convinced myself that I would not allow it to get to the point again. I regulated my use and said to many, "I'm fine using it, it's not a problem anymore." But over time, slowly but surely, it became a problem again. Again I faced the reality that I did not want to face myself or my reality without weed. It was a full blown dependency and I didn't want to be around anyone or do anything but smoke my weed. I was creeping into a self created hole that I didn't think and actually feared I could never get out of.

But I did. I started learning about writing, breathing, self forgiveness, self corrective application, principles to apply within my life where I could actually start giving myself direction in life. Giving myself back the ability to live actually. At the end of my addiction to weed, I had basically given up all hope. I saw who I was, how deceptive and destructive my behavior was, how so out of control I felt and thinking there was no way I could figure out how to stop this. Perhaps I didn't even necessary consider 'getting out' - I simply accepted who I was and what I was doing, even though within myself, standing way in the back, the me I suppressed with weed - I knew I could live and do better than what I was accepting of me.

Participating with Desteni and applying the tools was absolutely the turning point for me to once and for all let go of this addiction. To let go of weed - but like I said, it wasn't weed that I was addicted to, it's was the feeling and escapism I was addicted to. In getting high all the time, I was trying to run away and hide, to suppress even the feelings I had about me, my life, my family, my world... things seemed so unnatural and destructive and no real purpose to our existence and I wanted to simply not have to face it anymore. But I realized I must face it. That is the only way to change it. That is actually the only real purpose in this Life - Face the Reality of Who we are, what we have become and what we have created as our world, on this Earth. So I removed pot from my life and anything that was causing a 'mind-altering' state, no weed - no alcohol. I dared myself to ground myself and live without these things and face the truth of myself in every moment - no more hiding behind a drug to make me feel a certain way so that I could then present myself a certain way - I was ready to get real and live without shame. I knew that if I lived in any way that i feared another finding out about - I was being absolutely deceptive in my life. So I put away the pot and starting walking the Process that I am still walking.

And three years later I am offered to fly to NY and be a part of a discussion coming to surface - has the consequences of our addictive nature become apparent in the seemingly socially acceptable use of pot? I am here to say yes, absolutely. Weed is not 'bad' nor is any drug necessarily 'bad' - it's WHO WE ARE within ALL that we do. So weed is not the culprit, the Human is the creator of the human experience and what is accepted and allowed within and without, internally and externally. Your actions, your words, your thoughts are what currently define who you are. So is who you are self responsible, self honest and willing to change the nature of the habitual ways we've accepted as our existence or are we willing to STOP and remove the layers of self deception and the means in which we use to cover our eyes, to see what has always been here yet we have failed to face.

Ready to get Real and Live without Shame? Start with the Desteni 'I' Process Lite - it is a free course that introduces you to the self-support tools of breathing, writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application as well as principles to live by that support you to overcome even your greatest of addiction. Many have done it, are doing it and I am just one example with one story of addiction that I was able to take responsibility for and the power to change within my life. Give yourself the gift of Life and Living.

***This blog's writing is taken from my personal writings over the weekend, after I was presented with the opportunity to go to NY to be on Dr. Oz.

Sunday, November 17th, 2013

I am going to NY on Wednesday to be on the Dr. Oz show.

There are a few points that come up

Firstly I am nervous about being on television and fearing how people will react to me and if it’s

something I “should” do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous at the thought/idea of being on television, as defining it as something big and special and something to be nervous about instead of stopping, breathing and not going into my mind in defining a future moment as something bigger and instead bringing myself back here, to the actual physical moment and walk breath by breath

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear how people will react to me if they see me on television in thinking they will judge me or not like what I Have to say instead of seeing and realizing it’s not about others or how they will react or if they will judge me, I realize they might and they can and that does not define who I am here and so I stop valuing others judgments of me and instead assess who I am in the moment and make sure I am walking and living and speaking and acting in ways that I can be proud of and stand within and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the idea of whether I ‘should’ do the show or not as if to decide whether it will be a cool thing or not, thinking and believing it can either be this or that instead of creating it to be something that could potentially be best for all and best for me and so instead of defining it within a limited state or reality of something I should or shouldn't do as either bringing something good or bad, instead consider what seeds it could plant in others and actually another day or moment within my process where I have an opportunity to stand within the principles I have been working with

Also I thought/imagined that I will die on the plane ride there – thinking it’s a NY airport or maybe because I was thinking this means there is ‘something’ to this point – it’s such a cool point to open, it’s almost like I don’t trust it. Like because of how I defined it within my mind in thinking it was something so special and crazy and out of nowhere – I then imagined this is how I am leaving this world. Yet I see perhaps this is something that I never considered or expected and so the mind is afraid of the unknown and actually doing something out of the 'norm'.

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to when realizing I would be flying to NY to be on the show, imagine and fear that this would be how I die – dying on the plane within wondering how this point opened up for me and to within this, think that it’s because it’s my time to die instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that only the mind would fear death, it’s own death, which is inevitable and so I do not participate in fear imagination about dying or death, I walk in/as/with the physical

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown, of something unexpected

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become shocked and surprised by this invitation to be on the show and to within this think and wonder ‘what it’s all about’ and then fear what will come of it as something that has never happened to me before and so within this – fear of what can come of an unexpected event

I know that if I don’t do it I will regret it.

But yes, there is still fear. I know I can do it and I trust myself enough to support myself in the moment and how I've approached this type of experience is simply stopping, breathing and allowing myself to simply express myself unconditionally.

The point of ‘not making sense’ is coming up or ‘being vague’ but fuck – this is a learning experience and a really cool point, so I am grateful.

I’ve wondered if its something that I should really do – like I question it, but it’s more out of fear.

The fear is putting myself out there and sharing/revealing parts of my life. And my family seeing it or friends. It’s like in a way, facing my past and why would I be afraid to tell my story when I've seen the changes I've made myself?

I mean what is the worst that can happen? Family and friends see this – find out I was addicted to weed, that I've supported myself to stop. I mean – I have pushed myself to face this fear of what others think and 'exposing myself' and doing what I see is necessary despite that. To put myself out there – so how is this any different? I am not defined by my past and I have walked through this addiction to weed and I've shared it online, so how is this any different?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to think there's ‘something to this’ within wanting to define me as special and having a special purpose instead of realizing it’s a process that I’m walking and points to face and an ego to transcend because there is a whole life here waiting for me to be in a position to support and in ego, I only think about myself and so it’s time to stop and support me and all life equally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences of me going on the Dr. Oz show – fearing the unknown, of what will come of it within thinking something bad or negative will come from it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the attention being on the show might bring – fearing to have eyes on me – fearing, not really how others will see me, but fear of exposing myself – my story, my process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think this is an irrelevant thing to do, that it does not support anyone or anything and I am wasting my time and deceiving myself

When and as I see myself thinking and allowing fear to enter into my presence/awareness/experience, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to reality in seeing the cool opportunity I have to share myself on television, to go through the process and see perhaps more to this world and this system and what is here as me and so I breathe and don’t allow myself to fear the unknown or doing something I have never done before, but instead embrace the moment, the opportunity and will myself to share myself in the moment, unconditionally, being self honest with the experiences I have had and what I've learned, trusting in my words and my process, ultimately, within my self.

*** So interesting to look back at this and how 'all over the place' the mind was in relation to this point, fears and worries and future projections. Obviously all irrational and serving no purpose. I am grateful to have learned about the tools of breathing, writing, self forgiveness and corrective application, to support myself within walking through this point. And in using these tools, to be able to see what exactly is going on within my mind, so that there is no movement 'to quick' for me to see and then find myself in a reaction towards, I mean it's a process and still working at it. I know that if this point were to have presented itself 4 or 5 years ago, I would not have been willing or able. I would have reacted and allowed all these points to influence me from not going for it, trying something new, putting myself out there. I would have found any possible way out to not have to face this point or walk through my fears.

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The next point that I can see within the initial writings is placed here:

I then realized I missed the usual movement one would make in such a situation - when the yellow light turns red, and you are in the intersection - you make the turn. And then after realizing this, I wanted to cry. It was like an accumulation of an overall experience I've been having the last few days where it's like I feel like I am not stable and missing so many things and losing touch with my awareness. This moment triggered the reaction within me of feeling stupid and dumb and it was like how could I miss such a simple point.

What I can see here is a moment of accumulation spill over into the emotion energy of self judgment and frustration. Basically I was coming from a few days of an internal storm that I could not quiet and had a hard time stabilizing myself within. The point that is absolutely unnecessary is the self judgment I was allowing of defining myself as stupid and dumb and think I am missing something and so in that, an experience of being lost. And that is not a cool experience. I realize it's a self-created experience, yet I also realize how absolutely we have given our power to our mind and the energies it produce that we then call our thoughts, feelings and emotions and how much we define ourselves according to these things and think that is who we really are, without realizing that is in fact not who we really are - it is simply a lesser version we have accepted as who we are. Because I have found many times in moments where I am 'lost' and overwhelmed within my experience and reacting to the thoughts in my mind that I can simply stop - yes SIMPLY stop - make that decision and NOT participate, not give power in beLIEving that what I am experiencing is actually real.

So this accumulation point that spilled over into tears was through a constant acceptance and participation within the mind and not finding my stability within it. Because the days before this, I was seeing that I was reacting to many things in my world and I 'saw' that they were of the mind, and not real, yet they seemed so real. When we trust them or consider or contemplate them for even a moment - we abdicate our power to it and accept that that is who we are and the experiences we create within it are valid. And so that is what I had done and that is where I was judging myself - because I saw I was reacting within/as my mind and within that I was judging myself - instead of stopping myself.

When we judge ourselves as what we see we are doing within the mind - when we know it does not support us and the actual process we walk is to step OUT of the mind and back HERE into/as the physical - we can react to our reactions. We then add an additional layer to the points we are working with because in that we think, "what is wrong with me, why can't I stop thinking, I am reacting... NO this is 'bad' - I am bad, why can't I stop" and so we continue to feed the mind and the energy as emotions through not simply stopping and not reacting to our reactions. I mean what a waste this is - to give more energy to the already established energy that we see is consuming and possessing us. Instead of simply stopping, breathing, stand EQUAL in realizing yes, okay - this is my mind, I see this is my mind reacting, but I realize it's not really who I am so okay, now I must sort this out - see what is going on, take it into writing and self forgiveness and release myself from the cage of consciousness.

However, I've throughout my process - and even the initial stages of my process, went into extreme reactions towards my mind. Judging myself every time I saw any kind of movement within myself or my mind - and would think, "I am so bad, this is so bad" and so adding more to the experience in judging myself and reacting negatively to the fact that I am the mind and now I must walk a process out of it.

So the point here would be to stop reacting to what we see goes on in our mind because when we react, we are separating ourselves from our mind. And in that, change is impossible, because we are still saying 'this is not me, I am better than this - my mind has got the power, or I got the power over my mind" not realizing the simplicity and self honesty truth of who we have become as what we've accepted as ourselves - a programmed robot that has an internal reality that is filled to the brim of memories of our whole life and who we are in relation to it. There is no judgment in that. That is simply the reality. Once we can see that within clarity, meaning - without an idea of it being 'right or wrong' or 'good or bad', or within a polarity definition - we can then begin to take responsibility in facing the actual reality of who we are. I mean that is step number one - face the reality of who we are as the mind without judging or further defining self within that. Stand in seeing - this is who I am yet it's not who I continue to accept myself to be - let me take back power and control through realizing that I must first FACE all of me as who I am HERE, as the current form and version I've created and remove all that which is not real and not of life through a process of self forgiveness and self correction. Removing all which is of consciousness.

"While I was backing up, I realized I couldn't and didn't actually have the space, because someone was behind me. Then I looked to my left and saw a women who wanted to turn, but couldn't because I was in her way, motioning me to go ahead and make the turn. In this moment, I reacted and was like, "No - I can't do that - it's red" and I reacted to her not realizing the situation that I was 'stuck' where I was. But then I got frustrated because it was like I didn't want to sit there, in her way and waiting for the light - so I said 'fuck it' within myself and made the turn. In that I reacted thinking she thought I was dumb and stupid and imagined her making a comment or having her own reactions about me and what just happened."

So there are a few points here in this paragraph that I can have a look at. The first would be this point of reacting to the women in feeling like she wasn't considering the situation I was in and was expecting me to do something that I couldn't do (or that I hadn't considered myself due to my possession within the mind) and so I reacted as a way of blaming and becoming angry with her for motioning me to go ahead and make the turn. I interpreted her action in a negative ways, where I thought she was annoyed with me and had no patience with me. I became upset because I felt as if she didn't realize I was 'stuck' where I was. The other point here would be the reactionary action I took of saying 'fuck it' to myself and made the turn in a way out of spite, like fuck you, fuck this, I will just go even though I don't think I can. And then actually a third point here would be the then reaction I had as the imagination/projection of thinking she was judging me as being dumb and stupid and thinking negatively about me and what just happened.

Okay - so I will start with this point of feeling like this women was not considering me as seeing where I was in the intersection, like thinking she should be able to read my mind and how I experienced the situation of being stuck, that she was telling me to move without realizing that I thought I couldn't. So in this reaction, a form of blame - blaming her for telling me to go without considering that perhaps I couldn't and also as interpreting this action of telling me to go as being negative, that she was annoyed with me, that she didn't have any patience for me in that moment.

Bringing this point back to myself, I can definitely see where recently in my life and basically throughout my whole life, where I am not patient with other people. I do not consider where they are within themselves or within their lives and react to them as wanting them to 'move' at the speed in which I think 'they should'. This might be an expectation I have on myself or a judgment I have on myself as how I should be moving in life, or what I should be doing, but instead project it onto others and when they do not live up to my expectations of them, I become impatient and reactive and basically want to push them to a point where I am satisfied that they are doing what I want them to do - they are seeing or realizing what I am wanting them to realize. It's like I am not taking responsibility for living up to my own expectations of myself, living up to my own potential in moments and instead of investigating and correcting this point, project this unto others and expect 'them' to move quicker, see more clearly, be more aware of their situation.

So definitely a point of separation and abdicating my own self responsibility to myself and what I am doing to others within this. Also I would say there is definitely a point here of not being patient with others and so perhaps myself as well. It's like I expect instant perfection from someone without considering the time and process it will take to get them to a place I consider they could be - or you know, perhaps it's not really about where I think others should be. This is obviously about where I think I should be or see I can be and yet still not pushing myself or giving everything I do in my life 'my all'. But definitely a point of not being patience, I can see how that clearly comes through in my immediate relationships with family and friendship relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the woman in the intersection when she was motioning me to go and make the turn as firstly, defining her actions as being negative and upset with me and to within this react as the back chats of 'she's not being patient with me' and 'not considering the situation I am in' and "no - I can't go, it's red', so within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this point of self acceptance that I've participated within my own life of not considering where others are and giving them the patience to get themselves to a point of awareness or considering their situation for themselves without my expectations or need for them to move a particular way or manner

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own expectations of myself that I see I have not yet lived up to absolutely and completely where I still give in to my own limitations and not giving my all as really pushing for my potential in moments in my life and things I do in my days, unto others, where instead of investigating and correcting the points within myself where I am still limiting myself and not living up to the expectations I see I am able to live, blame others for not doing this themselves and then become reactive as blaming them for not moving or acting in ways I think they should

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the truth of myself as what I am actually accepting and allowing as not giving my all within my life and as who I am within my own process and self development through placing expectations onto others and when they are not moving as I think they should, go into blame as becoming impatient with them instead of seeing/realizing and understanding that I will NEVER be satisfied with myself if I am always expecting others to change or to move as I think they can or at the pace in which I think they should because I am not addressing the actual problem as the source of my experience - which is me and where I am still giving in as not giving my all in every moment of my life and within all the responsibilities I participate within such as school and work and my own process and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to hide out from the self responsibility I have to myself, as myself, within my own life and who I am in each moment within all that I do as thinking others 'should' move or change instead of being the change myself realizing that is the only place I can implement real change that I can trust and count on - me, here, self first

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient with others when they are not moving or doing what I expect of them instead of realizing it's me that is not moving and doing what I see I can expect of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient with myself when I see I do not move or do in ways in which I see I can expect of myself and that is simply in every moment doing what is best for me as what is best for all, such as becoming disciplined and diligent in my days in doing that which is necessary to be done to create and sustain an effective life for and as myself, where I do what is required of me such as homework and self education and research and being at work without back chats or reactions, sorting myself out to clear myself so that I can stand equal to every being and not be pre-occupied with judgments and/or desires and instead here, self directive in every moment to do that which I see is necessary for me in this life and that is to support myself to become directive principle of me within/as awareness as life in equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect of myself a change within myself within the starting point of judgment, judging myself for who I've been and who I see I am in moments and to within this decide, "I must change and I must move quickly" instead of slowing myself down to ensure I am moving at a practical pace in which I can ensure I am always within the starting point of self honesty as the breath and not within fear as energy as a reaction of a judgment or blame towards myself, realizing I cannot change me until I accept me as who I am here in/as this moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to change through comparing myself to others and to within this, judge others as better then me in life and in process and to then within this, desire to be more then myself and better then the definition I have accepted of myself as not good as others and so I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to realize this process is about getting to know myself, learning to take care of myself and changing myself in ways that i see are best, without judgment or blame or impatience or comparisons, but instead from a starting point of realizing that there is no right or wrong way in how to move within my life or in my process, there is only moment to moment application where I have an opportunity to change myself and make decisions about what i do and what I give my time and attention to that determines who I am and what I can/will become

When and as I see myself reacting to others within my reality, within a form of blame as anger and impatience where I am expecting them to do and act and move in ways I think 'they' should - I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to me, here, as my body, within/as awareness and to the realization that I am projecting my own self onto them as I see/realize/understand that it's never about what 'others' are doing, it's always about myself and so I commit myself to, when I see myself reacting to others as blaming them for what they are doing or how they are moving or not considering within their own lives, I bring this back to myself and see where/when and how in my life I am accepting and allowing that exact same point as myself and so I commit myself to stop projecting myself unto others and instead use the gift of support others are as a mirror for me to get to know myself and learn where I am still not yet standing as the potential I see I can/am able to

When and as I see myself giving in, in moments as not giving my 'all' within every moment that I am able and within all things I am currently participating within my world such as school, work, my own process and the day to day tasks that are necessary to be done, I stop and I breathe and bring myself back to myself, within/as awareness and as the realization of what is necessary to be done and that which I should be expecting of myself as that which I am able to do in every moment as the responsibility I have to myself - to never allow less than who I am here and always push for a better version of me, guided by principles of self honesty and to do what is best for all/me so that I am never not satisfied with myself but always content in knowing I am doing all with what i Have and with where I am to become directive of myself in all ways

When and as I see myself moving into wanting to change myself and place expectations on myself of how I 'should' move in my life and in my process, from within a starting point of judgment or comparisons I stop and i breathe and I bring myself out of the possession of the mind as a character this creates for me to step into - when I react to myself and then think "I must do to make up for this" - I flag this as a creation moment for a character and so instead I stop and I breathe when I see myself wanting to push myself unrealistically and within the energy of impatience and judgment and blame and instead slow myself down with/as breath and work with what i have here in the moment as myself as who I am and what is here as my reality - realizing that I must equalize myself with space and time which is walked within/as breath and so I commit myself to develop the patience and the discipline to not push myself unnecessarily yet always moving myself in the direction that i see I can move into and stand within and responsible for - always giving myself the opportunity to expand myself within me and within my life

13 November 2013

In continuing from yesterdays post, the first thing that I see required attention from looking it over was this point of 'where I was' when coming to the intersection where I required to make a left hand turn.

What I see is that the last week, as I said in the previous blog, was a lot of things coming up within my mind that I have allowed myself to be distracted by and not utilize the tool and even responsibility I have to breathe - always bringing myself back to/as awareness within breathing because what I can see from this point of 'where I was' or 'have been' in the last week is within my mind and thus not breathing. And so 'losing touch' with actual, physical reality which is where self awareness exists.

So in this moment I laid out for myself yesterday, it's clear my first mistake was not being disciplined in my application of breathing. I did not consider the normal way of how to proceed when one is in the middle of the intersection to make a turn and the yellow light turns red - obviously you make the turn. But I had been so caught up in my reactions within my mind, that I separated myself so much from physical reality, what is going on in my physical environment and the common sense ways in how to move and function. I mean this simple point - 'forgetting to turn' is like what the fuck girl, where you at?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately separate myself from my self awareness within/as this actual physical reality, within/as breathing, when I participate in thoughts and back chats and imaginations within my mind, where I am too pre-occupied and distracted by what is going on inside my mind, that I am not even HERE in reality to pay attention to what is going on and how to proceed in effective and common-sensical ways

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose touch with reality and what is going on around me when/as I participate in my mental reality as an act of separation from actual, physical living and not realizing the consequences I can create for myself when I am not paying attention and directing myself in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as becoming possessed by my mind and the business within it that I separate myself from THE actual physical reality, that is real and that is affected when I am not here, fully participating within awareness as the breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe as an act of becoming self aware as the responsibility I have to be in here this physical reality, participating within awareness in this physical reality as I see/realize/understand that this little moment I had is a clear example of how all humanity currently exists as so lost within our minds and distracted by the illusions we make up, we are not paying attention to or directing this actual physical reality and thus create consequences in our lack of care such as letting people starve and giving power to money to dictate peoples lives, rape and murder and theft accepted as the 'norm' and no one questions it because we are too busy distracted by our minds, possessed by our minds - our own personal bubble of self interest where our only concern is about ourselves and how we experience ourselves - not realizing how who we are in every moment and what we accept and allow as 'our experience' has a direct effect on physical reality and thus all of life here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and thus live the responsibility I have to become self aware within this physical reality realizing its the only reality that matters and how much time and energy I am wasting and an actual LIFE I am wasting when I am allowing myself to be busy in the mind

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to not care enough about myself to breathe - to become equal to that which actually gives me life, to become aware not only of my breath or my physical environment, but my actual body - the flesh that is here and that functions without any assistance and support from me, such as the earth - this physical body as the earth that functions and supports LIFE to LIVE and what are we as humanity doing? The same thing we are doing each on an individual level, ignoring our body as our flesh that pumps our blood and beats our heart and breathes in the air that sustains our life - we are disregarding and thus abusing the actual life that we can touch, taste, see and feel all for an imaginary world within our minds

I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an imaginary world within my mind without realizing the matter in which I find myself, my body - this earth, all expression of this physical world that we are destroying because our lack of care and considerations - without our attention and direction - without our awareness of who we really are, what we are accepting and allowing and how that creates consequences for ALL life here in/as this physical reality

When and as I see myself becoming possessed by my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, imaginations, back chats, fear, worries, doubts, future projections, memories... I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back to my self awareness as my self responsibility to STOP the imaginary reality of the mind and instead stand, fully participating within this physical reality, within/as breath and so I bring myself back to the earth, back to my body, back to the breath and stop myself from accumulating separation that I allow when I accept even one thought to be entertained within my mind

When and as I see myself possessed by my mind that then creates consequences within my physical reality, such as not being able to effectively move and the physical reality having to be that point which 'snaps me out of it', I stop and I breathe and I do not go into judgment of what I've accepted and allowed and instead look back to my days and week to see what I have been busy mulling over in my mind, realizing that point I have been given attention to, instead of this physical reality, and thus I realize this requires my direction - when something is coming up in my mind, it is my responsibility to have a close look at what it is, where it comes from, what I am defining myself according to within it and then release it from me as I see/realize/understand the consequences of having a lot of shit going on within my mind and I also realize what sustains it is not only my participation, but my life that i Have lived up to this point and so here I commit myself investigate myself and the points that come up within my mind - look back to my week, see where I've been, what I've been reacting to, why I'm allowing it to go un-directed and to then remove it from me with/as self forgiveness and self corrective application which I realize can be as simple as walking self honesty - breathing in every moment

I commit myself to become responsible for the life I live in every moment and who I am in every moment within seeing and realizing that who I am here and what I accept and allow has an effect on the rest of this existence and so I commit myself to stand responsible for myself as equal to life to ensure that I am aware and here and directive within who I am to ensure I am not creating more consequences within this world that is not best for all in all ways

11 November 2013

Today while I was driving home from having breakfast with my dad - I was coming up to a left turn I had to make, with the turn light blinking yellow. I yielded and waited for the oncoming cars to pass so that it was clear for me to go. As I was in the intersection, the yellow flashing light turned solid and then turned red. Usually in such a moment, one would go ahead and make the turn, since I was already in the middle of the intersection. Yet for me - in this moment, I wanted to back up. I looked behind me and started to reverse. The notion of going ahead with the turn didn't even come into my awareness. Instead it was like I was in the way now of other cars and I had to move.

While I was backing up, I realized I couldn't and didn't actually have the space, because someone was behind me. Then I looked to my left and saw a women who wanted to turn, but couldn't because I was in her way, motioning me to go ahead and make the turn. In this moment, I reacted and was like, "No - I can't do that - it's red" and I reacted to her not realizing the situation that I was 'stuck' where I was. But then I got frustrated because it was like I didn't want to sit there, in her way and waiting for the light - so I said 'fuck it' within myself and made the turn. In that I reacted thinking she thought I was dumb and stupid and imagined her making a comment or having her own reactions about me and what just happened.

I then realized I missed the usual movement one would make in such a situation - when the yellow light turns red, and you are in the intersection - you make the turn. And then after realizing this, I wanted to cry. It was like an accumulation of an overall experience I've been having the last few days where it's like I feel like I am not stable and missing so many things and losing touch with my awareness. This moment triggered the reaction within me of feeling stupid and dumb and it was like how could I miss such a simple point.

The emotions started to rise and it was like I wanted to release all the tension I had been building up within me the last few days.... but it was not a supportive release as "I am letting this go now," it was more of a, "what the fuck is wrong with me, why can't i do anything right, why are things so hard for me," and so more like a giving up on myself experience. The point to breathe came up while I saw this emotion/energy rising within my solar plexus and into my chest - slowly filling my body until it made it's way to my eyes and came out as tears. But instead, I breathed. And in that moment, realized I have not been supporting myself effectively with this application - of stopping and breathing. The mind has been busy and I have been busy reacting to the mind-business - when all the while I could have been breathing.

So I breathed as I merged onto the highway and saw the energy slowly dissipate. And I calmed myself, and I breathed and I focused on my driving. I brought myself out of the mind, out of the reaction - and back to breath. And I was grateful in that moment and saw how supportive it was and can be in moments where I feel completely overwhelmed and even lost in a way. I realize I am only lost in the mind and my reactions exist only in my mind. I am reacting to my thoughts and imaginations and back chats - and in this separating myself from the moment as here as breath as life as this actual physicalreality. This act of separation is so destructive on self and I saw that clearly today. How much I have been allowing the reactions to fester and grow within my mind, accumulating to a point where it's like I cannot even speak about my experience without wanting to cry.

So that is the point for tonight - seeing how easily I can support myself to stop giving into emotions as energy within the mind, take back control and slow myself down in bringing myself back to breath in not going into the energy as reaction. Stopping even the smallest of thought that pops up and instead trust the breath.

It's interesting how after 4 years of walking this process of stopping the mind and breathing and writing and applying self forgiveness and corrective application - how much I still trust and believe in the experience I see I create for myself as emotions as energy. How much I trust the things coming up in my mind - how much I think what I see in my mind and the reactions that follow them are real. How quickly I forget to breath and not give the power I have HERE, in a moment, as a breath, to STOP the self-created experience and take back the authority to find out what is going on and how to support myself to see what it is I am doing, as what I am accepting and allowing.