Before there were web logs there were diaries, journals, and memoirs. Midland Passages is a narrative of life shaped in the small towns of the American heartland. "I'm bound away 'cross the wide Missouri."

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The following is a transformative creative work. As far as I know, not one word in this play was actually spoken by any of the characters, real or imagined. Whether this be historical fiction or parody is for you to decide.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Spiro Agnew, Vice-PresidentCarl Albert, Representative, from Oklahomaand Speaker of the House of RepresentativesWarren Burger, Chief Justice of theSupreme CourtGerald Ford, Representative, from Michigan,afterwards Vice-PresidentSam Ervin, Senator, from North Carolinaand Chairman of the Senate Select CommitteeJames Baker, Senator, from TennesseeCarl Curtis, Senator, from NebraskaPeter Rodino, Representative, from New Jerseyand Chairman of the House Committee onthe JudiciaryWiggins, Representative, from CaliforniaSandman, Representative, from New Jersey

Sunday, January 16, 2011

THE PROLOGUEEnterChorus.My friends, the Bard of Stratford once did say,in truth to everyman, “the Things the Play!”…er,..well,…something on that effect.If, as he observed, “all the World’s a Stage”this fine troupe has here, within this cage, 5captured a play for you.

This tale is, of course, a small historyconcerning our nation’s Presidency.A man, Richard Milhous Nixon by name,who rose to high office, but, all the same, 10had an abundance of difficultyin controlling all the iniquitythat crept up from within to hinder him.

So sit, friend, in your comfortable chairand hear the tale the players now prepare. 15[Exit.]

Saturday, January 15, 2011

ACT ONEScene I. near Washington, D.C. The Pentagon.

[Enter Daniel Ellsberg, in darkness.]Ellsberg. Here I am, safe within these five walls.Hurry, man, complete your appointed task.Ah, these files should do it. Oh, happy days!Exactly as I had been told,a complete and unabridged account 5of the War in Southeast Asia.Oh, what a find! Ne’er before seen detailsof this country’s military operations.Oh, what any liberal publisherwon’t give for this manuscript. 10I shall be quite rich for this one night’s work.Hark, the day shift approaches.I must from this place make haste.[Exit.][Enter a General and a Corporal.]General. Turn on the lights there, Corporal.Much work we need done. Ho, what’s this? 15Papers on the floor! A filing cabinet open!Whoa! ‘Thas been pried open. See, here,Corporal, is anything missing?Corporal. Why, oh no, sir! The Papers are gone.Look, sir. A busted window. 20Oh, Great Threat! They’ve been stolen!General. What man? What’s been stolen?Corporal. The most top secret files of the Pentagon Papers!General. Oh, my God!Corporal. Stolen out from under our noses. 25General. Great national emergency! Corporal,the Communists have infiltrated us!Top secret security has been breached!Sound the alarm! Catch the perpetrator,‘afore these Papers are leaked to the Free 30and Liberal Press. Sound the alarm, Corporal!Sound the alarm![Exeunt.]

Friday, January 14, 2011

Scene II. California. a Psychiatrist’s Office.

[Enter Burglar, in darkness.]Burglar. Dear me, a thousand files. ‘Twill takean hour to find the one I need.[He produces a flashlight. He whistles.]‘Tis a pleasant job, soft carpet, padded couch.Methinks I be lucky to work for the government.Ah, here it is. The Ellsberg file, an easy mark 5for such an experienced burglar as me.Thank heaven for the administrationthat needs such men as I to stealNational Security matters from unwary doctors.[He whistles, again.]Ho, I wonder if my wife’s file is here? 10Alas, she’s too insane to have a well kept file.Oh, see, the sun breaks from across the mountains.‘Tis time to leave and return this psychotic fileto my chief so he might use it against the traitor Ellsberg.[Exit.][Enter a Psychiatrist.]Psychiatrist. ‘Tis too such a lovely morning for the news 15I read. What a headline. Here withinmy morning paper I read of the arrestof my noble patient. Oh, Daniel Ellsberg!At it again, eh? Stealing top secret papers.Shame on you, Daniel. You need more care 20than I can give you.[Exit.]

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Scene III. Washington, D.C. the White House.

[Enter Pat, Julie, Tricia, and attendants.]Pat. When thy father awakens, greet him joyfullyfor today’s breakfast shall be a feast of victory.And here within these four white walls we’ll stilla happy family stay, four more years.Julie. ‘Twas not yesterday a sweeping victory? 5All states, save for Massachusetts, go formy father in landslide proportions.Tricia. He will be happy this morning, aye.Happy four more years, to say nothingof eight thereafter if Spiro comes through. 10[Flourish. Enter Richard and Secret Service Agents.]Pat. Ah, happy hubby. Congratulations!Richard. Let me make one thing perfectly clear…Once again, I am the President![They laugh.]Julie. Oh, father, such a card. You sound just likethose Hollywood impersonators. 15[Enter Ron Ziegler.]Here comes Ronald. ‘Tis time your day began.Adieu, dear father, and don’t work too hard today.[Exeunt Julie, Tricia, and attendants.]Pat. The nation’s praise is well deserved.Happy times shall this nation have whilst thouchart our country’s course. 20[Exit Pat.]Ziegler. What news, Mr. President, shall Igive to the Nation?Richard. Tell them “Thanks.” The great silent majorityhas spoken. They approve me in whole heartAnd tell them they shall have four more years 25of the same guidance, same dedication,same service from me.Ziegler. A good notion. ‘Tis a glorious morning for us.Richard. A good morning for the Party Republican.Ziegler. And those conservative Democrats who 30supported you on yesterday’s election.[Exeunt.]

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Scene IV. the same, a month later. [Enter Pat, Ziegler, and attendants.] Pat. What’s on the calendar for today? My gosh, it’s cold! These Washington winters just destroy my hair. Go and have them turn up the thermostat, again. [Exit attendant.] So, Ron, what’s today? 5 Ziegler. This afternoon your sons-in-law return. A luncheon is arranged for the benefit of the press. Pat. Ah, good. Today we’ll have … steak. Go and see that it’s prepared to Richard’s liking. [Exit another attendant.] Where is Richard, by the way? 10 Ziegler. In the Oval Office, studying a law suit. Pat. Which suit is that? Ziegler. The one filed by those Democrats against our Republican Party, for damages. Pat. Why, we can’t help it if they lost the election. 15 Ziegler. No, madam, this suit involves only the burglary of their headquarters at the Hotel Watergate last summer. Pat. I was not aware of such a thing. Ziegler. ‘Twas a minor matter, page twenty-three, 20 I think, of the Washington Post. District officers found five hired men in the offices of the Democrats one dark and lonely night. And now the loyal opposition cries, “Espionage!” 25 and files false suit. ‘Twas not of consequence, not even brought up in last year’s campaign. Pat. Ah, I’ve seen dear Richard conferring with his three top men and I have heard the word “espionage” mentioned a number of times. 30 Ziegler. Probably concocting some new campaign strategy to discount these wild Democrat charges. Pat. Ah, the furnace fans warm air across my toes. Ziegler. I feel less chilled already. [Enter servants and prepare a feast.] ‘Tis almost time for Cox and Eisenhower 35 to arrive. I go to greet them and the press that accompanies your daughter’s husbands. [Exit Ziegler.] Pat. Oh how sweet, sweet is the life. How blessed be I who inhabit this white house. No time has e’er been rosier. The petals 40 have bloomed and now we have time to admire their beauty. Ah, my husband, to thy high office, praise. Thou art such a good President. Nay, a great President. Loved by sixty-three per cent of the people, 45 many others of no opinion, which shows contentment. O, noble husband! Master of inflation’s spiral. A nation spared from the hands of economic collapse. O, glorious Richard, thou hast led us from 50 the hands of War and gave us Peace in our own time. Thou hast undone the wrongs of many years by disengaging ourselves from that murderous conflict in Southeast Asia. Thou hast calmed 55 the rugged Russian Bear and soothed the mass of Mainland China. O, good husband, thou art wise to send ping-pong players abroad so that the very President himself might view the Great Wall of China, unseen 60 by Western eye in forty years. O, Richard, thou art marvelous man. And here we go our merry way down another term of glad sung happiness. [Enter Ziegler, Julie, Tricia, Edward Cox, David Eisenhower, Howard K. Smith, and other members of the press.] And now the banquet feast begins. Welcome, 65 my daughters, and your husbands. And welcome newsman Smith. See how happy this family is? Smith. Dear, kind, hostess. Your roots are now firmly entrenched in this house and we so enjoy your hospitality. And here’s the 70 [Enter Richard and Secret Service Agents.] President himself. Sir, do you bring any news? Richard. That’s your game, sir. I’ve no news. You make your own and show it to the millions. Smith. [Aside.] That’s a slur. He has always distrusted our media and lays his woeful blame 75 upon the liberal press for all the things that have ever done him wrong. Richard. But never mind. Come let us feast. [They sit.] How are Edward, and you, David. I trust you’ve kept good care of my daughters? 80 Cox and Eisenhower. Yes, sir. We’ve given them our very best. Pat. [To Smith.] Be not so hard upon my husband. Your newscasts of late have tended to dishonor this man. Yet he has given this country a great glory. 85 Smith. [To Pat.] ‘Tis not my fault, dear hostess. My writers are a sorrowful lot, full of liberal thought, objecting to your conservative philosophies. [Aside.] Ha! I write my own news, but I shall hold 90 my tongue and blame my colleagues, so that I again will be invited to attend these White House functions. [Enter John Chancellor, another member of the press.] Ziegler. Now here’s a man who should bring us some news. How goes the world, John Chancellor? 95 Chancellor. Mr. President, they’ve sung. Pat. Who sings? We’ve scheduled no entertainment for this banquet, have we, Ron? Tricia. I’ve always enjoyed singing. Who comes to entertain? 100 Richard. Singing is fine. But, pray tell, what’s this to do with news? Chancellor. Not song with melody, Mr. President. A song of confession. Richard. What’s this? Confessed? Who? To what? 105 Chancellor. The Watergate Burglars. Richard. Yes, I know. They’ve confessed to breaking and entering. Chancellor. Oh, but they’ve now confessed to crimes more heinous and other acts incredible. Ziegler. What’s this? 110 Chancellor. Listen, as this news is hither unknown to you, listen quite carefully. This very morning, arraigned before Judge Sirrica, the five burglars handed His Honor a sealed envelop. Wherein 115 this letter they infamously outlined all the shady deals cooked up between your campaigners and campaign contributors. Richard. ‘Tis nothing. Politics are full of dark and shady dealings each election night. 120 Chancellor. But none like this! I’m told the letter claims that many of your friends did deeds not just against politeness and ethics, but performed acts that go against the Law. Ziegler. Think nothing of it. These petty criminals 125 go about confessing all sorts of crimes merely to reduce their sentences. I doubt if half their accusations ring true. Chancellor. Let us hope so. For they allege many an ill-got act, conceived and executed 130 by high placed officials and members of this administration. Richard. I’ve done not one thing wrong. No, not one immoral act. These savage agents lie! Inspired by the left-wing press, Mischief 135 conspires to destroy this high office. Away! Let the burglars speak their confound lie. I go and make to them, and you, reply. [Exeunt.]

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Scene V. Washington, D.C. a Courtroom.

[Enter Judge Sirrica, divers Bailiffs, clerks and officers, Five Burglars, Eric Severied, Walter Cronkite, other members of the press, and divers crowds.]Bailiff. Hear ye! Hear ye! The Federal District Court for Washington, District of Columbia is now in session, Judge John Sirrica, presiding. All rise! Sirrica. Be seated. This court, having recessed 5 two days in deliberation of a letter received from the accused, is now in session to hear further testimony in this matter. I remind you that you are still under oath. 101st Burglar. Yes, sir. Sirrica. I have read this letter aloud. It is signed by you. Are all these facts presented true and accurate? 1st Burglar. They are. 15 Sirrica. You state that you and your friends were offered money to plead guilty in these charges and to further more say nothing else? 1st Burglar. That is correct. Sirrica. Who offered this money to you? 20 1st Burglar. The Committee to Re-Elect the President, coming, as I hear, from the White House itself. Crowd. Oh, my! Oh! Sirrica. And why were these men so interested 25 in seeing you plead guilty? 1st Burglar. So that we would not reveal anything.Sirrica. Reveal what? 1st Burglar. The Republican plans for espionage and sabotage against the Democrats. 30 Crowd. Oh, my! Oh! Sirrica. The Committee to Re-Elect the President, John Mitchell chairman, then paid you moneys to guarantee that you did not mention other illegal 35activities of the Committee? 1st Burglar. That is correct. Sirrica. This is a serious charge you have made. 1st Burglar. It is true. For many weeks the press has circulated much rumor, 40 purported leaks of information of such a nature that would discredit the warriors of last year’s election. I have come forward to offer my evidence that these stories are true. 45 Political corruption was, last year, the rule not the exception. I charge that John Mitchell, Maurice Stans, John Ehrlichman, John Dean, H.R. Haldeman, and possibly the President himself conspired 50 to commit illegal acts. And upon investigation of these acts they conspired to obstruct said investigation and cover-up their illegal activities with a trail of lies and misconceptions. 55 Crowd. Oh, my! Oh! The President! 1st Burglar. I credit the Press for not being fooled by these cover-ups. And when I received money to be silent I saw that the end was near. The Press would soon the truth 60 uncover. So I have come before this court to present my case.Sirrica. All this is new and grave. The President himself, you say? This is serious. This court I recess until tomorrow, then to take 65 testimony from the others to see if these allegations are true. Burglars. We affirm what has been said. 2nd Burglar. Four men, especially, are culprits in this scandal. 703rd Burglar. John Mitchell, chairman of the Committee to Re-Elect the President. 4th Burglar. And from within the White House ‘twas planned and executed by the President’s men. How their scheming escaped the President, I know not. 75 Crowd. Oh, my! Oh! 5th Burglar. Yes, John Ehrlichman, H.R. Haldeman and John Dean performed and approved numerous corrupt and scandalous acts.Sirrica. Well, well, well! This Court is adjourned. 80 [Exeunt all save Severied and Cronkite.] Severied. Quick! To the studio let’s hasten, Walt. This news is bigger than any before. Cronkite. Aye, Eric. By the burglar’s own admission the men of the Press have once again saved this Nation, uncovering this cover-up, 85 nipping in the bud this Watergate scandal. [Exeunt.]

Monday, January 10, 2011

Scene VI. Key Biscayne, in Florida.

[Enter Richard, John Dean, John Ehrlichman, H.R. Haldeman, a Doctor, and Secret Service Agents.] Doctor. Yes, I have ordered you south to receive full benefit of the sunshine. You need a rest. These Watergate matters trouble you. Go, peaceably about your work and forget that Hotel and all its 5dark connections. Get plenty of rest, drink lots of liquids, and take two aspirin. Richard. Thanks for your advice. I need it most dearly. [Exit Doctor.] In all and all of time that’s been great Universe has never seemed so black. 10 As if a hundred thousand stars had fallen and left the sky a blank and dreary bowl. The moonless night is less occluded than the dismal abyss I inhabit now. I’ve done nothing wrong. Not connived to thwart 15 due justice. Not ordered illegal schemes. Have I, boys, received campaign contributions from illicit sources? Yet every day the papers are full of new, fabulous stories that smear my name with false and 20 uncorroborated accusations. [Enter Pat.] What have I done to deserve such fate? Come in, sweet wife, and soothe me. Pat. Ah, poor hubby, the Senate has formed a Committee Select to investigate 25 this last election and called before it these three men to testify. Richard. What’s this? Well go, send for Ziegler. I’ll make a statement! Facts before a committee sting less than innuendoes in the press. 30 This news, I think, might be good. [Exeunt Richard, Pat, and Secret Service Agents.] Dean. Methinks our good fortune runs dry. They’re hot on our trail and now we’re to testify before the Senate. Any fool knows those Congressmen are relentless in their 35 questioning. We’re doomed! They’ll discover our irregularities. All is lost! Haldeman. But John, we’ve done no wrong, no illegal acts. Conspired no cover-ups. The Boss says so! Dean. How can you and Ehrlichman stand there with 40 face so blank and unmoved? If you can say to me, straight-faced, that you’re not involved, who will be able to unseat your sly and false hid front. O Treachery! Ehrlichman. Again, I affirm, we’ve done nothing. Any 45 questions so put to us, we’ll maintain our innocence and blame these nasty deeds on other folk. Dean. Ho! How can this be? We’ve covered up. I am a party to conspiracy 50 and know full well that you are equal in the deed. How will we withstand tough questions? Haldeman. We’ll do it calmly, before the Senate, and maintain our innocence. [Exeunt Haldeman and Ehrlichman.] Dean. No! I will not. Yes, I will tell the truth. 55 I’ll turn state’s evidence on them, the liars. I’ll not perjure myself on the alter of smug self-righteousness. [Exit.]

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Scene VII. The same, two months later.

[Enter Richard, Pat, Secret Service Agents, and Ziegler.]Ziegler. Shall I add anything else to this release?Richard. No. I think it stands good.Ziegler. You have fired them, then? No more do these men work for the government?Richard. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Dean, Haldeman, 5 Ehrlichman, good-bye. Read the statement again.Ziegler. Yes, sir. [He reads.] I welcome the Senatorial investigation of these Watergate matters. I have always said that we should get to the bottom of this. I ordered, 10 last fall, a thorough investigation through my top aides and they assured me that no person in high public office was involved. But here it’s been accused that these top aides acted falsely. I have dismissed 15 these three persons and hand them over to the Senate investigators. But these matters, these alleged illegal acts, of which I knew nothing, should be fairly prosecuted to the fullest extent 20 of the law. All illegal acts must be punished through the Courts. Therefore I have called upon the local District Court to form a Grand Jury to consider all the facts and bring to justice all indictable 25 offenses. For the conduct of all these Judicial investigations, I now hereby instruct my Attorney-General, Elliot Richardson, to thus appoint a special Watergate prosecutor, 30 Mr. Archibald Cox, a trusted and well known lawyer, to handle this case. Let us then forget this scandal and leave its conclusion to the Courts. [Pat applauds.]Richard. That should do it. 35Pat. A fine announcement. The people will like it.Ziegler. Let us hope so. [Exit Ziegler.]Pat. ‘Tis another mess thou has gotten out of. Thou art indeed a well-bred President.Richard. Ah. That’s the last we’ll hear of this 40 Watergate affair. I’ve dispatched it. [Enter Julie and David Eisenhower.]Julie. Hello, father. Dearest mother.Richard. Dear daughter, and you David, how are you two?David. Quite fine, sir. We’re well established in our new home. 45Julie. Things are going fine, save for the hounding of the liberal press. They come to our door and ask us all such personal questions. Then they twist our statements to support their misfound conjectures. 50Richard. Yes, those liberal press hounds are out to hunt me. But fear not, we’ll take care of them and all our troubles will soon vanish. [Exeunt.]

Saturday, January 08, 2011

Scene VIII. Washington, D.C. the White House.

[Enter Ziegler.]Ziegler. Seems lonely without those three clowns. So jovial. So merry. Too bad they were caught being so corrupt.[Enter Rosemary Woods, a secretary.] How goes the war, Rosemary?Rosemary. The President’s in conference. 5 The machines run smoothly. I go now to transcribe yesterday’s recordings ‘Tis a novel thing, these machines, to record exactly what was said at all those historic meetings. 10 Great posterity will welcome our careful keeping of these historic recordings. [Exit Rosemary.]Ziegler. A fine and noble women. Another[Enter Pat and attendants.] fine lady. Dear Pat, have you any releases for me this morning? 15Pat. No, but my noble husband will soon emerge to greet a host of dignitaries. I see they’ve fixed the air conditioner.Ziegler. Yes, we’re comfortable, now. Spiro is returned from another trip. His plane 20 has flown far and wide upon his missions.Pat. He is a good Vice-President. Wise. Loyal. Obedient. Invite him to lunch. We’re having steak.[Enter Richard and Secret Service Agents.]Ziegler. That I’ll do. Good morning, sir. 25Richard. Good morning. Hello, Pat, you look well.[Enter Cub Scouts.] Well, look here! They come in twos, presented before their President. Hello, fellows.1st Cub. Are you really the President?Richard. I am the President. 30 [They salute.] Such good little citizens. And how goes the world, my fine little men?2nd Cub. Fine, sir. We’re having a lot of fun.3rd Cub. My daddy had to take a bus to work this morning ‘cause we couldn’t get gas for the car. 354th Cub. And my mommy says I can’t watch television ‘cause there ain’t, I mean isn’t, enough electricity to run both it and the refrigerator.1st Cub. My mommy yells at my daddy ‘cause the cost of food is so much. And my daddy yells 40 at my mommy ‘cause we’ve had tuna for the last five days in a row. [Exeunt Cub Scouts.]Richard. Good-bye young citizens. What ho? The silent majority has problems? I did not know this. I’ll assign my top 45 advisor to look into the matter. Do you think, dear Pat, that I’ve lost touch with the great mass of people?Pat. I’d not thought so. But the galloping polls indicate thy popular support hath 50 fallen below the halfway mark.Richard. Hmm. I’m sure that I will handle it.Pat. Come, then, ‘tis time to prepare for lunch. We’re having company.Richard. I will be with you presently, sweet wife. 55 I, too, am expecting a visitor. [Exeunt Pat and attendants.][Enter John Mitchell and Howard K. Smith.] And there’s the man I’ve to meet. Good day, John Mitchell.Mitchell. Good morning, Mr. President.Richard. And you, liberal pressman, have you any business here? 60Smith. I’ve an appointment with Mr. Ziegler.Ziegler. Oh, yes. Right. I’d forgotten. Come this way, Howard. [Exeunt Ziegler and Smith.]Richard. I’ll be with you in a minute, John. I’ve some of this horrid paperwork to sign. 65Mitchell. Take you’re time. I’m not rushed. [Exeunt Richard and Secret Service Agents.][Enter Martha, wife to Mitchell.]Martha. There is that no good, evil-minded boar. I’ve searched high and low for your rascalled face.Mitchell. Martha? What do you want?Martha. I’ve come to say that I’ll no longer stay 70 at your side, wicked man. I know all the things that you have done. Wait ‘til I tell them to the press. O wretched Man! Your day of judgment and doom is soon at hand.Mitchell. Hold your giddy tongue, you silly woman. 75 You have no proof of my wrong doing. Why do you bother me. I’ve resigned my position, disgraced by accusations of five burglars and that so called friend, John Dean. Brought down by lies. Accused of 80 illegal acts and now, Martha, you leave my side to run and tell gossip to the liberal press. When I was Attorney- General your tongue was constantly connected by a wire to some far flung 85 columnist, who, the next morning, revealed to the world the confidential nature of my occupation. To be so false accused is no small thing, but for my wife to be the source is akin to treason. 90Martha. Ha! I’ll not married to a liar be. And a cheat. Your felonious deeds flout the very law so sworn to uphold. Politics have ruined you, John. You are not the man I wed, so changed are you by this stubborn 95 political life. Adios, Mitchell. [Exit Martha.]Mitchell. I’ve lost my job, my confidence, my credibility, and now my wife. O great woe! I’ll retire and smoke my pipe and protest to all the world my innocence. 100[Enter an Attendant.]Attendant. The President awaits you. [Exeunt Mitchell and Attendant.][Re-enter Martha and Howard K. Smith.]Smith. And how goes John?Martha. John and I are separated. I speak not to him.Smith. Ah, you had warned him to quit politics. 105Martha. Our marriage would not last. His scandalous acts are too much for me. Now I leave him.Smith. He is involved with the Watergate matter? Deeply involved, perhaps?Martha. You can bet your sweet Justice Department he is. 110Smith. [Aside.] I smell a story. I will wine and dine this lady until all the facts fall out. --- Come, let’s to lunch. And tell me more. [Exeunt Martha and Smith.][Re-enter Ziegler.]Ziegler. Oh, my. Such a busy day. Back to work I need go. The gas is short and 115 the stock market dips. The liberal press will demand some answers. I’ll get to work.[Enter Henry Kissinger.] How did it go last night, Henry?Kissinger. Oh, she was all right, but a bit dull.Ziegler. No, I mean the negotiations. 120Kissinger. Very well, indeed. We have agreed to many things to further the cause of world peace and normalization of relations. [Exit Kissinger.][Enter Herbert Stein.]Ziegler. Ah, just the man I need. Come, tell me, Herbert Stein, some counter-measure to 125 lighten the American heart. The market plunges. Food prices multiply Wages go up too fast for the employer, but not fast enough for the poor employee. And then there are those who are unemployed. 130 It is our nation’s number one problem. I need some news, Herbert.Stein. I can confidently predict that Phase IV will succeed in holding the line against the rise of prices and that we will 135 not have a recession in this quarter. [Exit Stein.]Ziegler. Thank you! Oh, good news. And here’s the Czar,[Enter William Simon.] come to relieve me of another problem. What says th’ energy?Simon. Simon says: Hear ye, the great American Dream 140 of driving about to see field and stream must, by needs of a shortage of fuel, come to a halt. So be no fool, and save the gas in summertime so we shan’t freeze to death in winter’s clime. 145 [Exit Simon.]Ziegler. A brilliant man. And wise.[Enter Rosemary Woods.] Who’s this now? Oh, ‘tis you, Rosemary, I thought it might be trouble.Rosemary. Huh? Oh, that man talks and talks. ‘Tis the fifth tape today. I’ll spend the last years of 150 my life transcribing these confidential meetings. The doctor orders him to California, for a rest, and he is busy finishing up. Any news in the Committee? 155Ziegler. None but mere formality. Those cumbersome Senators have just gotten ‘round to proving that the Hotel was broken into!Rosemary. [She laughs.] I’ve watched their proceedings. So theatric. So full of self-purpose. 160Ziegler. A Democratic trait, I fear.Rosemary. Aye, but, oh, that Howard Baker! What a man! What a face! What charm! And yet a Republican!Ziegler. All the better. ‘Tis good that the nation’s 165 full fancy finds this man. For he, alone, must counter-balance the forces opposed to our plan. He must parry and slam the sage and high wisdom of Senator Sam. [Exeunt.]

Friday, January 07, 2011

ACT TWOScene I. Washington, D.C. The Capitol.

[Enter Eric Severied and John Chancellor.]Severied. This old hearing room will indeed have an historic week.Chancellor. Aye, the testimonies of Dean, Haldeman, and Ehrlichman come close on each other’s heels. We’ll keep busy. This news will fill the air full time, ‘til this story is complete. 5Severied. Why, the Committee’s task is but begun and already many a wayward act, reported here first, has been borne out.Chancellor. Until we broke the story, I had no clue that campaign men would do such mischief, 10 would calmly sit and plan such fabulous illegal acts and raise many millions of dollars; to play dirty tricks on the Democrats; to write obscene letters and make false press releases and disrupt 15 campaigners by purchasing hecklers and rotten tomatoes; and last, but no, not least, to bug their headquarters with electronic listening devices.Severied. ‘Twas fascinating to sit within this 20 Committee’s room and listen to the Burglars’ story. To hear, from the very men themselves, how they were chosen by high placed men to contract the job at the Hotel Watergate. I found it most 25 astounding, the story of the break-in and the history of their capture by a security guard, and, finally, after, as I must add, the fact that we of the liberal press had uncovered 30 something fishy, of the enormous funds raised to buy silence from the Burglars and provide support for their families while they languish in prison from a pleaded charge of guilty.Chancellor. But, now, the Committee’s work is just 35 begun, to delve within that secret structure of the Committee to Re-elect, to see how this vile and evil place, where corruption grew, was connected to White House aides, and to uncover all 40 the facts and display the corruptions so this might not happen again. That is their task.Severied. Aye, let’s not have another scandal of this proportion. That’s our job, Chancellor, to see to it this shan’t ever happen again. 45 We spread the word to all the land that the mass media keeps careful eye on our government. We’ll not let corruption rear its evil head again.Chancellor. The nation’s put their trust in us. And that 50 is a good thing, for we are the guardians of government ethics. And the public trust is one we’ll keep.[Enter Sam Ervin, Howard Baker, other divers Senators, Counsels for the Majority and Minority, divers assistants, lawyers, attendants, members of the press and public.]Ervin. Ayha, this, ah, Committee is now in session. We, ah, have been looking over these 55 memos that the Committee has acquired and I can say that they are incomplete and, ah, we will ask the White House for further documents. Ah, who is the next, ah witness?Baker. Bob Haldeman. 60Ervin. Ah, who? Bobberman, you say?Baker. No, no. H.R. Haldeman. The President’s aide.Ervin. Well, oh yes, of course. Why didn’t you say so? Ah, will the witness come forward.The Crowd. Buzz. Buzz. 65Ervin. Mr. Hawdyman, are you present? Come forward.Baker. I don’t think he’s here.Ervin. Well, ah, what’s holding, ah, things up?Baker. We’re waiting on the television cameramen to return from lunch. 70Ervin. Oh, well, ah, in that case…[Enter Technicians of the Camera.] Oh, ah, here they are.1st Camera. Ten seconds, Ervie baby. Five. You’re on.Ervin. Ah, this Committee is now in session. Ah, will the first witness come forward? 75[Enter H.R. Haldeman and a lawyer.] State, ah, your name for the Committee.Haldeman. H. Robert Haldeman.Baker. Do you swear to tell the truth,1st Senator. The whole truth,2nd Senator. And nothing but the truth, 80All. So help you?Haldeman. I do.Ervin. Where were you on the night of April Twenty-first?Haldeman. In New York. Or California. Or Washington. I was traveling between those places. 85Baker. Did you attend a meeting with Johns Ehrlichman, Dean, and Mitchell and the President?Haldeman. No.Maj Couns. Oh, really? John Dean says you were there.Haldeman. He was there, but the other two weren’t. 90Baker. But you did attend a meeting?Haldeman. The last part. But I had come for a different matter.1st Senator. A different matter? How do you know which matter we’re interested in? 95Haldeman. I assumed you meant the matter the President and Dean were discussing3rd Senator. And what was that?Haldeman. Our political strategy.Ervin. For what legislative agenda? 100Haldeman. I don’t recall.4th Senator. Really, now, you don’t recall how the President planned his strategies?Haldeman. It was about how President Nixon ought to prevail, as in the past. 105Baker. There was no talk of political dirty tricks? … In the past or in the future…Haldeman. No.Min Couns. You never authorized, saw, approved, or acknowledged any political tricks?Haldeman. No. 110Ervin. Well, ah, as it’s been said, “He who answers promptly must know what he’s talking about.” You’re dismissed. [Exeunt Haldeman and lawyer.]Baker. Who’s next?Min Couns. John Dean.Ervin. Jim Beam? 115Baker. John Dean.2nd Senator. This should be fun.[Enter John Dean and a lawyer.]1st Senator. He’s made many claims that we’ll spend hours to investigate.Ervin. State your name. 120Dean. John Dean.Baker. Do you swear to tell the truth,4th Senator. The whole truth,All. And nothing but the truth,Min Couns. So help you? 125Dean. I do.Maj Couns. Did you attend a meeting on April Twenty-first with the President?Dean. I did. And I would like to take this time to tell you what occurred at that meeting. 130 First, Mr. Ehrlichman brought up the issue of clemency for the Watergate Burglars. The President said that was out of the question. Then someone mentioned hush money. I remarked that it would take 135 several million dollars. Mr. Nixon replied that would be no problem.The Crowd. Buzz, buzz. Oh, my!5th Senator. Then the President knew about the attempt to buy the Burglars’ silence. 140Dean. Yes, sir.6th Senator. Did he know anything else?Dean. Oh, yes. He knew about the burglary and his aides approved it.Baker. Did you approve it? 145Dean. Why, yes. But only because I thought the President had previously agreed upon it.Maj Couns. The President agreed to these illegal acts?Dean. Well, not in so many words. At a meeting in Florida we talked about 150 a variety of political tricks and sabotage that required vast sums of money. When these multi-million dollar plans were first presented John Mitchell threw them out and told us 155 to come up with something more viable. At that point in time it was obvious that we would have to tone down our proposals. We came back with a lesser plan which Mr. Mitchell then gave approval to. 160 However, the President did not say yes or no. But it was clear by his actions and hints that we should go ahead.The Crowd. Buzz, buzz. Oh, my!Ervin. Well, ah, as wise men say, 165 “Very interesting. Please go on.”Dean. Then, last summer, after the burglars were caught, he ordered me to look into the matter.3rd Senator. This was after the Federal investigation had taken place? 170Dean. That is right. He wanted to make sure that no one in the White House was involved in this scandal.Min Couns. And what did you find?Dean. That we were. 175Baker. What did the President say about this?Dean. He was very busy at the time and we did not discuss it very often, so I let it drop.2nd Senator. Then the President had knowledge of 180 wrong doing, but did not report it?Dean. Right. At that point in time.The Crowd. Buzz, buzz. Oh, my! Obstruction of justice!Ervin. Well, ah, then, very well. You are dismissed. [Exeunt Dean and lawyer.] Ah, who’s next? Oh, ah, John Ehrlichman. 185[Enter John Ehrlichman and a lawyer.] What is your name?Ehrlichman. John Ehrlichman.Ervin. Oh. Very well.1st Senator. Do you swear to tell the truth,All. The whole truth, 1902nd Senator. And nothing but the truth,Min Couns. So help you?Ehrlichman. I do. I believe that, under the rules of this Committee, I am entitled to make a statement. 195Ervin. Ah, uh, well, is that legal? Oh, ah, yes. Go ahead.Ehrlichman. John Dean is a liar. Not one of his accusations are provable and none of his so-called meetings occurred. And it is my intention to prove that no one 200 in the White House was involved in either the burglary or a cover up.Baker. Explain. Let’s start with the meeting of April Twenty-first.Ehrlichman. O.K.Baker. Go on. 205Ehrlichman. We discussed many different subjects, before and while Dean was there. But not one word was mentioned of paying off the Burglars.1st Person. [Aside.] Methinks this finally be the truth. That Dean had the evil eye, a huge sense of self-interest. 210 I believe he makes up stories to impress the Media. This Ehrlichman knows what’s right. And I’m reassured that President Nixon is innocent.2nd Person. [Aside.] Methinks this man the liar be. Haldeman 215 and Ehrlichman, twins by office! Always Haldeman and Ehrlichman, ne’er the other way around. Two evil boys plotting mischief in the name of national security and loyalty to the 220 President. Oh, just look at the man at the witness table. Such a military close-chopped crew cut. What a vicious mouth. How he slurs his words and makes the terms mean things so sinister. I know he’s lying and 225 so he lied for the President. I’m now convinced sly Nixon is a crook.Min Couns. Then the President had no knowledge of any illegal acts?Ehrlichman. Uhm, that is correct. 230Maj Couns. When did the President discover these wrong doings?Ehrlichman. Ah, uhm, when he read of the burglary in the morning papers.Baker. Did he suspect that some of his top aides 235 were involved?Ehrlichman. Well, not until the liberal press was full of rumors and innuendoes concerning the staff.3rd Senator. What did he do? 240Ehrlichman. He ordered John Dean to investigate the matter.Min Couns. And what did Mr. Dean find?Ehrlichman. That no one in the White House was involved.The Crowd. Buzz, buzz. Oh, my! Conflicting testimony!1st Person. [Aside.] Oh, they’ve got that Dean fellow in perjuring 245 himself before this Committee.2nd Person. [Aside.] Oh, yes. There is a liar in our midst. And it isn’t John Dean, or Sam Ervin.Ervin. How very interesting. Well, ah, then, let us consider what has happened 250 this day. Ah, so much to consider.Baker. It’s true. We will have an indictment of perjury before this case is done.Ervin. Well, ah, this Committee, ah is adjourned. Oh, excuse me, the witness is dismissed. 255 [Exeunt.]

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Scene II. San Clemente, in California.

[Enter Pat, Tricia, and Julie.]Pat. They almost subpoenaed your father!Julie. Those nasty liberals.Pat. Why the very idea of making poor Richard appear in court to testify or come before that idiotic 5 Watergate Committee, I don’t understand!Tricia. The thrill seeking bunch of hooligans!Pat. Why, I put my foot down and told Richard not to go. It’s his privilege as Chief Executive to deny his presence 10 to the Senate. Or to the courts, for that matter.[Enter Rosemary Woods.] Why, he even gave all those memos and notes. And what do they want? The man himself! Give some Democrats an inch and they will want several acres. 15Rosemary. More of these blasphemous tapes. I swear, your husband and his friends do more talking. But I guess all’s for the better. ‘Twill be of great historical value in years to come. Just think, recordings of important 20 conferences saved for posterity. Your Richard’s a wise man, indeed, dear Pat.Pat. I know. And even wiser still. These historical documents are worth a considerable tax deduction! 25Rosemary. No!Pat. Why, yes. He did the very same with his Vice-Presidential papers. By just giving them to the Archives he reduced our tax by four hundred thousand dollars. 30Rosemary. I wish my husband could lower our taxes.Pat. Richard only paid eight hundred dollars to taxes last year. And only seven hundred the year before.Rosemary. Amazing! 35Pat. Yes, and look at this house. Who would have thought that old San Clemente could be improved, capitally, and so enhanced, without costing our family a cent?Rosemary. Extraordinary! Yes, but I must go 40 and transcribe these tapes. I’ve fallen behind. [Exit Rosemary.]Tricia. A wonderful servant!Julie. So loyal. So obedient.Pat. Just like the vast silent majority and all the other members of Richard’s staff. 45 [Exeunt.]

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Scene III. Washington, D.C. a newsroom.

[Enter Walter Cronkite.]Cronkite. Another day, another surprise. I wonder what news will turn up today in this Watergate affair. What, ho! A press release from the Western White House. [He reads.] “This investigation has gone on 5 too long. It wearies the public and taxes the minds of sane men. The Select Committee wastes the taxpayers time with absurd accusations and unjustified snooping. They have asked me to give them 10 all manner of documents and aides to testify. But Presidents, from the very first, have Executive Privilege. And it is to our discretion what we may release. Any illegal actions? 15 Let’s give them to the courts, where all things are fairly tried. Let’s not wallow in Watergate, but get on with the business of the country. I am not a crook.” A fair news story. The President 20 attacks his critics. And, ho, a Gallup Poll! We’ll see how many critics he has! [He reads.] “Job Performance: Good -thirty-three percent. Average - twelve percent. Poor - thirty-three percent. No opinion - almost twenty-one percent. 25 Do you think the President committed or knew of people who committed a crime? Yes - fifty-nine percent. No - thirty-three percent. And no opinion - only eight percent. Should the President resign? Yes- 30 fifteen percent. No - seventy percent. And no opinion climbs to fifteen percent.” Interesting. Very interesting. Methinks the public mood is very mixed. Or at least divided evenly. One 35 half the population are such avid Nixon lovers, yet the other half can fair be said to say that they’re out to ring[Enter Howard K. Smith.] his neck. Here comes a man who looks like he knows what he’s doing. Any news, Smith? 40Smith. John Mitchell appeared before the Committee. His lawyer and Ervin were engaged in many a sundry controversy.Cronkite. Oh, really? ‘Twould seem I missed the most lively witness. 45Smith. ‘Twasn’t just the witness, but his lawyer, too. The Chairman asked Mitchell if he knew of the break-in of Ellsberg’s psychiatrist.Cronkite. Ah, yes, Mitchell was Attorney General, then. And here, this was an illegal act. 50 An important point.Smith. Mitchell said the burglary was ordered on the basis of National Security. And Ervin exploded, wherein he variously condemned many men for 55 the defiling of Personal Security in the name of National Security. Whereby he charged the President with violation of the Constitution by an unlawful search and seizure 60 of a person’s private effects.Cronkite. A strong point. How did Mitchell defend this tyranny?Smith. He didn’t. His lawyer jumped into the argument and spent the most part of an hour citing 65 numerous legislation that gave the President power to do many things in the best interest of National Security. And this made Ervin and and other honest Senators irate. 70 Well it should, for a person’s liberties were violated without due process of the law. A heinous crime.Cronkite. And what happened next?Smith. Well, Ervin charged them with these words, 75 “Didn’t you know that this was an illegal act? That you could’ve gotten the information by a legal court order? Yet, yet you hire a burglar and get the documents by theft?” To which Mr. Mitchell did reply, 80 “We did what we thought best. Doing what Mr. Nixon told us to do.” This answer annoyed the Committee, wherein Baker asked, “Didn’t anyone tell the President this was wrong?” To which the 85 former Attorney General replied, “No.” Then Ervin said, “You mean to say that out of sheer loyalty to the President you performed illegal activities?” Whereas the witness said, “We did this to 90 prevent the Pentagon Papers from falling into the hands of Communists and Anarchists. Yes, loyalty to the President. Loyalty to the Nation.” To which Baker muttered to himself, 95 “So loyal as to steal a doctor’s confidential files.” Therewith the lawyer and Ervin again fell to arguing.Cronkite. Astounding! Here, go and write this story. We’ll use it first. An amazing tale. 100 [Exit Smith.] Methinks the President is in trouble.[Enter John Chancellor.] Here comes another. What wild eyes and harried expression. Come quick, Chancellor, you look stunned.Chancellor. A stunning event.Cronkite. John Mitchell’s testimony? Yes it was. 105Chancellor. No, I mean what has just happened by a report from the Secret Service concerning the tapes.Cronkite. What tapes? Is there something to be measured here?Chancellor. No! Tape recordings of the President’s 110 Oval Office conversations.Cronkite. What’s this? Steady nerves! Shall there be no end to these revelations? He tapes his very own conversations?Chancellor. Aye! Since coming into office 115 the President has secretly recorded all his meetings to keep the exact words for historical material. All the meetings where Watergate matters have been discussed are now on magnetic tape. Preserved 120 for us to hear!Cronkite. O Happy Days! An end to this matter! We’ll soon know if the President’s involved by listening to the tapes! An easy matter, now, to prove guilt or innocence. 125 This’ll help Archibald Cox in bringing indictments before the courts of justice. Where are these tapes?Chancellor. Under lock and key, so supervised by the Secret Service.Cronkite. Good! And safe. Nothing will happen to this 130 evidence. The Secret Service will keep the tapes high and dry away from culprits who’d like to destroy the evidence.Chancellor. This is true. [Exit Chancellor.]Cronkite. That’s three, the number of new stories I’ll 135 present on the evening news. A busy day![Enter Eric Severied.] Come, Severied, old colleague, what thinks you of today’s advantages?Severied. I think they’re intolerable. There’s no excuse.Cronkite. What’s this? Methinks ‘twas such a grand idea 140 to record all of his Oval Office conversations for all posterity.Severied. I mean not the tapes. ‘Tis despicable.Cronkite. What? Can this be more news? More stunning than the first three revelations? 145Severied. Aye. Howard Hughes, that rich and recluse millionaire gave to the Presidential campaign fund one hundred thousand dollars, in unmarked bills. They did the deed by the services of an ex-CIA man 150 who carried the money in brown paper bags and made contact with persons unknown in designated telephone booths.Cronkite. Sounds melodramatic. Full of espionage.Severied. It was! I wish you could just have heard the 155 witness describe how he was paid to deliver money in paper bags, receiving his orders from some party unknown, o’er the phone.Cronkite. This can’t but show the folly and total absurdity of this whole affair, 160 my friend. The use of a cannon to kill a fly. It amazes, that the President should so order a campaign with such designs! Especially when you consider that the election was almost uncontested. 165 I can’t understand it.Severied. Nor can I. [Exeunt.]

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Scene IV. San Clemente, in California.

[Enter Members of the Press and divers crowds, Demonstrators, Supporters, servants, and attendants.]1st Reporter.‘Tis the first news conference of the President since these Watergate matters have occurred.2nd Reporter.Aye. Tonight, methinks, he’ll answer to the charges brought against him. And most wisely, I believe, and bring all the truth into 5 the light of day.1st Demonst Hah! We’ll get the truth out all right. We’ll show the nation that Richard Milhous is a liar, a crook, and a frivolous man!Demonstrators. Down with King Dick! Tricky Dicky’s down the drain. 10Supporters. John Wayne and Sammy Davis can’t be wrong! What we need is four more years.! Down with the Liberal Press!Demonstrators. Death to ye hypocrites and bigots!Supporters. Death to ye Commie Pinko fags![Enter Secret Service Agents and Ronald Ziegler.]2nd Reporter.This’ll calm them. They await the man. 15[Enter Spiro Agnew and Secret Service Agents.] ‘Tis the wrong man. Only Agnew. But maybe he’ll answer a few questions.Demonstrators. Boo! Hiss! Establishment!Supporters. Give ‘em hell, Spiro!Agnew. Peace, brothers. These impudent, effetish 20 liberal snobs and their left wing press will have it straight. Come on, I speak for the Silent Majority. Put your questions to me.1st Reporter.Did you know about Watergate?Agnew. Yes. 25Crowd. Oh, my!2nd Demon. I knew it!Agnew. I knew about it the morning I read of the arrests in the paper.Crowd. Oh. 30Supporters. Whew!2nd Reporter.You did not participate in any of these matters?Agnew. Sir, I’ve never in my life done any illegal act. And I’d be offended 35 if I did. And here’s a much better[Enter Pat, Julie, Tricia, Edward Cox, and David Eisenhower.] subject for your questions.3rd Reporter.Mrs. Nixon, how is your husband feeling? Is he eating well?Pat. The doctors have ordered him rest and 40 sunshine. But Richard works on and consents to this conference to reply to the charges against him. He seldom, these days, eats breakfast, which, I fear, is no good for his system. But his system must suffer, 45 for he is President of the United States.[Fanfare, “Hail to the Chief.” Enter Richard and Secret Service Agents.]Agnew. Ladies and Gentlemen, the President! [They all rise.]Richard. You may be seated.Reporters. Mr. President! Mr. President!Richard. You, there, in the front row. 504th Reporter.Sir, is there really an Energy Crisis, and if so, what are you doing about it?Richard. Yes, young man, as you know the Arabs have boycotted selling oil to us for our giving aide to Israel. This has caused 55 a great hardship for we are now in the very midst of a shortage of oil. A shortage that will cause many schools to be cold, many businesses to close, and may lead to gas rationing for 60 automobiles. What am I doing about it? I have appointed an Energy Czar to print up gas rationing coupons. Mr. Simon, whom I’ve appointed is here.[Enter William Simon.]4th Reporter.Will there be gas rationing? 65Simon. Simon says, “If the weather be very hard, or the major brands do not produce, or unforeseen circumstances halt Venezuelan crude, or if the general public doesn’t conserve, there’ll certainly 70 be rationing of gas to motorists.”5th Reporter.How can we avoid this rationing? What industries will get all the gas that they need? What of the farmers?Simon. Simon says, “What of the farmers? They’ve 75 gotten along just fine and will continue to do so.”1st Person. [Aside.] I know a farmer who grows corn and says he can get gas, if he pays the price!Simon. “And these are the things that you can do. Don’t drive sixty-five. We’ve lowered the limit 80 by ten. Don’t waste gas by starting and stopping too fast. Don’t go for drives in the country and don’t go anywhere but to church on Sunday. And mark my words, our oil reserves are weak, so we must conserve 85 by limiting the motoring public. We must limit our pleasures wrought from the car so that our major industries will be running up to par.” [Exit William Simon.]1st Person. [Aside.] Methinks that businessmen will go about 90 and swear, “I’ll need the gas to do my business.” And all these men will say, “Let the others conserve, I need the gas!” And so it’ll be. The common man will scrimp and save just to have ‘nough gas for the business. 951st Reporter.Mr. President.Richard. You, with the orange tie.1st Reporter.I understand that your office gave the orders for the burglary of the office of Ellsberg’s psychiatrist. Are you 100 a party to this conspiracy.Richard. I am not. Next question. You, over here.[Enter Plumbers.]6th Reporter. Then why was this crime committed?Richard. I’ll tell you why. “Twas not a crime, but an act of national security. 105 These men before you now are my friends. It happens often in my high office the my most secretest events are spirited away by persons unknown and thence leaked to the press. My friends, 110 the Plumbers, are hired to find and fix these leaks, so that national security runs unimpaired. And so it was that when Mr. Ellsberg pirated the Pentagon Papers, I so instructed 115 my Plumbers to fix that leak. And this is how it was done. A matter of National Security. [Exeunt Plumbers.] The lady in the back row.7th Reporter. Surely, it’s obvious that at least one 120 of your assistants has been lying to the Committee, to the Grand Jury, et cetera.Richard. Not to my knowledge, and if so, what of it? Let the courts decide the perjury charges.7th Reporter.But you, yourself lied, when telling us of 125 the invasion of Cambodia, you boldly declared that American material had ne’er been in that Kingdom before that invasion. Yet, by pilot’s own testimony, American bombs 130 were dropped in secret well within those Cambodian boundaries. But long before your televised announcement.Richard. ‘Tis of no consequence! You lie! Next question. The reporter with the glasses. 1352nd Reporter.How goes the Economy?Richard. Sir, the Economy goes well. It has always been my game plan to halt that spiraling inflation, to go to full employment in peacetime, yet let our 140 businesses make a profit. And here’s[Enter Herbert Stein.] the man who’ll inform us more directly.Stein. Be not misled by figures. ‘Though government figures tell of the ne’er ending upward spiral of inflation, let us remember 145 that men today are earning more than ever. More to pay for those increased prices. And, lo, great men of wisdom have predicted that this nation’s economy shall swing into recession. In all of grand nature’s 150 mighty scales and cycles, none is more horrid than the periodic rise and fall of economic health. From times of rising prosperity, realized from the very depths of dark depression, through rampant 155 inflation, and thence backsliding, past times of recession, no turn of nature’s head could be more damaging than this thing called Recession. Great men of wisdom have defined this wretched phrase, and, after adjusting 160 figures, declare that we’re inevitably headed towards that phase. But, I ask you, can we have a recession with so much inflation, huh? Now, the President’s Phases, the fourth of which we’re in, have indeed helped 165 this economy. It’s slowed it down quite nicely. Of course, I admit that things have not gone so well, but without these Wage and Price Controls, we’d be in a mess indeed. It’s oft been said that many things this man’s 170 administration has done are to blame for unemployment, but I insist that no man shall be unemployed unless he’s some sort of slob, save for those sidelined by this energy crisis. But once my 175 comrade Simon has relieved us of this source, we’ll be back to normal. And do not fear. One year ago the power of the dollar abroad was sinking fast, but it’s recovered and I can safely say that 180 this economy is as sound as a dollar! [Exit Herbert Stein.]Richard. Next question. The lady over there.8th Reporter.I should like to ask you about your taxes?Richard. My personal taxes are my personal problems. But, as the matter has been brought out, 185 I shall lay my cards out on the table. First, I have given my tax papers to both the IRS and a congressional Joint Committee. I will abide by their decisions. Yes, it is true that I paid 190 very small amounts in two years, but this was because I made a donation of my Vice-Presidential papers, which was, at that time, a legal deduction, to the National Archives. But I must 195 admit it was close to the time of the change in law. Unfortunately my tax lawyer has lost the original deed. But its duplicate is dated well within the legal time. I trust all my 200 financial doings to my consultants and go by their advice and I have no real say in determining how much I owe.9th Reporter.Mr. President! Mr. President!Richard. Ah, you. 2059th Reporter.Is. J. Archibald Cox doing his job?Richard. Mr. Cox, not to be confused with my daughter’s husband, is performing his duties as Special Watergate Prosecutor most forwardly. In fact, he is so 210 enthusiastic at getting and presenting his evidence that he’s asked for many of my personal papers. Now, is that right? I’ve the Executive Privilege, so I don’t think I’ll give over 215 to a grand jury my private papers. But, Mr. Cox is doing an admirable job, ‘though I must restrain some of his enthusiasm.10th Reporter.Mr. President! Mr. President!Richard. Yes, ma’am. 22010th Reporter.Were you aware that the Committee to Re-elect the President was doing so many naughty things?Richard. Of course not!10th Reporter.But they were working for you. 225Richard. Well, not really. I let them do their own thing.10th Reporter.But, well, they helped you to be re-elected. Don’t you feel guilty about your aides doing all these ridiculous and illegal shenanigans? 230Richard. I must admit I’m terribly embarrassed that my friends were so corrupt. But I had no control over them. Next question. The big man over there.11th Reporter.Let’s forget your domestic problems. 235Richard. [Aside.] A good idea!11th Reporter.How fares our relationship with Russia and the People’s Republic of China?Richard. Quite well. As you know I’m the first President to visit both China and 240 Russia in the very same year. Yes, we’re beginning to accept our communist friends. We must trust them. Look at my foreign record. First, I’ve given an end to that horrid War in Viet Nam. Then I’ve made 245 overtures to Communist China.[Enter Henry Kissinger.] I’ve sent them ping-pong players and we got panda bears. We have now an understanding with our former enemies. And look at this, Hank Kissinger, my dear friend and colleague, 250 has won the Noble Prize for Peace in the Middle East. Tell us about, it Hank.Kissinger. I am happy to have brought together those warring peoples.11th Reporter.What, chiefly, interests you about the Mid-East? 255Kissinger. The broads.11th Reporter.Huh?Kissinger. No, really, I am very much concerned about the Arab oil embargo. As you know, this has created a severe 260 hardship and imposed grave economic repercussions. However, we have stopped the fighting and are working on the oil problem now. [Exit Henry Kissinger.]

12th Reporter.Mr. President, why did you install 265 tape recording machines in your office?Richard. For historic purposes. For all posterity to know exactly how the important decisions of my administration were made. 27012th Reporter.Do any of the tapes contain any conversations that are related to Watergate?Richard. Why, yes they do. And I can say with perfect candor that they show me innocent beyond a shadow of a doubt. 27512th Reporter.But, how do we know?Richard. Because I told you so. Don’t you believe me? As much as I’d like to, I can’t release the tapes because they contain many matters of National 280 Security and would compromise the confidentiality of my conversations. Now, as you know, Mr. Cox, [Aside.] not my daughter’s husband,- and the Senate Watergate Committee have 285 subpoenaed my tapes. I’ll not give them up!12th Reporter.What if the courts order you to?Richard. I’ll burn that bridge if I come to it.12th Reporter.But, they’ll prove once and for all your guilt or innocence.Richard. I’m innocent! 29012th Reporter.But there is no way for us to know unless we hear the tapes and judge for ourselves.Richard. I told you, I’m innocent! Now, sit down! Next question! The man with the blue bow tie.13th Reporter.Why hasn’t the Vice President been his 295 usual vociferous self?Richard. I’ll let the man speak for himself.

Agnew. I’ve made my point on a number of occasions. I shan’t want to run my ideas into the ground. And besides, I’m much 300 preoccupied by other business to be making much in the way of attacks on the effetist snobs and liberal press. I’ve done much traveling in the President’s name. Thank you. 305 [All rise. Fanfare, “Hail to the Chief”, etc.] [Exeunt Richard and Secret Service Agents.] [Exeunt Agnew, Pat, Julie, Tricia, Edward Cox, David Eisenhower, Secret Service Agents and attendants.] [Exeunt Ziegler, Members of the Press, Demonstrators, Supporters, and Crowds.] [Exeunt Secret Service Agents.]

Monday, January 03, 2011

Scene V. Washington, D.C. a courtroom.

[Enter Judge Sirrica, divers Bailiffs, clerks, and officers of the court.]Sirrica. What business have we today?1st Bailiff. Many affairs, your honor, some speedings, a divorce, two MIPs, and one tax evasion.[Enter Spiro Agnew, lawyers, and divers crowds.]Sirrica. Very good. And what’s the first case?1st Bailiff. The tax evasion. 52nd Bailiff. Hear ye, hear ye. This court’s in order. The State versus Spiro T. Agnew.Sirrica. Approach the bench, Mr. Agnew. [He reads.] “The defendant is charged here with three counts of tax evasion. One, willfully and 10 knowingly withholding information from an authorized person. Two, giving false information on tax documents. Three, conspiracy to keep these matters from the proper authorities.” 15 How do you plead?Agnew. Nolo Contendre, your honor. Your honor, if it please the Court, I would like to read a statement. [He reads.] In recent days many men have made such 20 allegations intent to injure me. Well meant men, having snooped around, uncovered the ambiguities that any life may hide. These men, their fantasies in flight, discount the good to magnify the ill. 25 So scandal sells the daily news. What course can honest politicians choose? Reprimanded by the barons of the newsprint, we are ready blame for acts, though not of our design nor need nor want, 30 that soon enough become our own solemn responsibility. And so it was in Maryland, as Governor having been. Of all these fancied charges brought, collecting bribes et cetera, I am guilty not. 35 I did not contemplate these deeds so charged. However, as elected officials, we have, a duty to remain far above all scandalous maters. For if we are so minutely connected with alleged 40 deeds, we’re stained beyond all recall. It’s then that the public trust in us is so diminished, we are forced to… concede our elected positions. [Exit Agnew.]Sirrica. The man is fined ten thousand dollars. Next case. 45 [Exeunt lawyers.]2nd Bailiff. ‘Tis time for a recess, your honor.Sirrica. Oh, my, a fine and busy morning this has been! Will these tiresome matters never come to an end? [Exeunt.]

Sunday, January 02, 2011

ACT THREEScene I. Washington, D.C. The White House.

[Enter Archibald Cox , a Prosecutor.]Cox. Ah, here’s the place I seek. Sixteen Hundred Pennsylvania Avenue. I wonder if he’s at home? Let’s see. I’ll say to him, “Here, sir, I’ve something for you.” And then hand him the Subpoena. Yes, that will do it. 5 Then he’ll have to deliver those papers and all his private tapes. [He knocks.] Ahoy! Any one at home?Attendant. [From within.] Who is it?Cox. ‘Tis I, Cox. 10Attendant. [From within.] Oh, yes, sir. I’ll inform the President directly. But where is Tricia?Cox. Tricia? I know of no one by that name. Oh, well, ‘tis now a truly historical moment. When that man receives this paper 15 history will have been accomplished. For no President in all the long years of this Republic has ever been made to lend his private papers for the use of the Courts. But now, as I present my 20 case to the Grand Jury, to insure that I’ve all the evidence, I need those tapes. Ah, how fortunate that our President had such a turn of mind to secretly install recording machines. Now all the 25 conversations that have ever occurred involving these illegal Watergate matters are preserved as they actually happened. The facts, the truth, will now be known. I can bring indictments against these men, 30 these guilty parties. I’m so glad I am about to collect these records and tapes.[Enter Richard and Secret Service Agents.]Richard. Edward, why do you stand outside. Have you lost your key, Edward? Huh, what’s this tomfoolery? You aren’t my daughter’s husband. 35 Who’s this impostor who calls himself Cox?Cox. That’s my name, sir, Archibald Cox, Special Prosecutor, who was assigned by you to leave these matters to the Courts. Here, sir.Richard. What’s that paper? 40Cox. Take it. It has your name on it.Richard. What is it?Cox. Here. It won’t bite.Richard. Not literally. Again, I say, what is it?Cox. Only a Subpoena. Take it. 45Richard. Heaven’s no. I never touch the stuff.Cox. Come, now, you’ve charged me with dealing justice to all those who committed illegal acts at Watergate. I need all your tapes.Richard. No! I stand firm. My tapes are my tapes. 50 I charged you with prosecuting the guilty. Leave me out of it. Besides, I have the Executive Privilege.Cox. I must have the tapes.Richard. You are going too far, Cox. Stop, or you 55 will have trouble.Cox. I need the tapes to prosecute. Give them here.Richard. I need a phone. Get me the Attorney General. [Exit Secret Service Agent.] Mr. Richardson will cook your goose.[Re-enter Secret Service Agent, with phone.] Hello, Richardson, this is Richard. 60 This Cox fellow is getting arrogant. He wants my tapes. Fire him, Richardson. What! We’ll the same to you, too. And besides, you’re fired! Hah, I’ll not have my Cabinet Members defy me. Hello, Deputy 65 Attorney General, I mean Mr. Attorney General. That’s right. Fire this man Cox. Your former boss would not, which is why you are now one of my Cabinet. What! You, too! Well, quit, then. See if I care. 70 Who’s third in line? O.K. I remember. Hello? Fire Cox. Here, Cox. It’s for you.Cox. Yes, sir. Hello? Yes, sir. I understand. Alas, I am fired. You will not get away with this, Mr. President. 75 [Exit Cox.]Richard. I can’t have these inferiors telling the President what to do. Let’s return to more important business. [All re-enter the White House.][Enter Arab Ambassadors.] Well, I’m glad you boys have decided to end your embargo. 801st Ambass A thousand pardons, O Humble One, But it is most unfortunate that we deprived your illustrious nation of its needed oil supplies.2nd Ambass But, O Favored Host, a War is a War 85 and we were forced to take most drastic measures. But, as the camel must always come eventually to water, so must we eventually end our embargo.Richard. [Aside.] With a hundred percent increase in price.- 90 Well, thank you, gentlemen, it’s been a pleasure.Ambassadors. May a hundred canaries brighten your life always. [Exeunt Ambassadors.]Richard. That’s one problem solved.[Enter Carl Albert, Speaker of the House of Representatives.] Hello, Carl. What brings a member of the loyal opposition to this lonely spot? 95Albert. ‘Tis provided by the laws of this land that, should anything happen to you, then I’ll be President. I don’t want the job. According to the Constitution, since we’ve no Vice-President, you must appoint 100 one, to be confirmed by Congress. Otherwise, I’ll go on as next in the line of succession.Richard. Do not worry, Carl. I doubt if anything will happen to me! 105Albert. I, too, sir, doubt if any physical harm shall befall you, but sir, there is talk that, because of all your administration’s troubles, you’ll resign.Richard. I’ll stick it out. I’m not the guy to quit. 110Albert. And if you don’t resign, you’ll be impeached.Richard. A ridiculous suggestion.Albert. Not so, sir. For many years liberal Democrats have disliked you, and now they have so many acts to complain about. 115 And their solution is to impeach you.Richard. I’ll admit my term in office has not brought pleasant things, but, don’t believe for one minute that anybody else could have done a better job. Look at Rising Prices, 120 the Energy Shortage, Kidnappings, Terror, World Conflict, the Wheat Deal, all these things would have happened, no matter who’s in Office. And since fortune deems me to be that person, I must suffer the blame. 125 I’ll not give up. I’ll keep fighting against all this adversity. I’ve done nothing illegal, and all the discontent that sweeps this land is not the fault, nor under the control, of any mortal man. 130 I can’t be impeached.Albert. A priest has already introduced a bill for your impeachment. Many men take this talk seriously. The handling of the Cox affair has not helped. 135Richard. ‘Twas my decision. I’ll stand by it. However, Leon Jaworski, who will be the next Special Prosecutor, will not be under my control, which should satisfy my critics. But we do need a Vice President, 140 a man of my own Party. I’ve thought long about it, but first tell me who your choice would be?Albert. I’m glad you ask, for I am most anxious for you to name a Vice President. And so I’ve brought him here for you to meet. 145[Enter Gerald Ford.]Richard. Why, my choice, exactly! Mr. Ford, would you like to be Vice President?Ford. Why, yes, I would.Richard. Is he acceptable to the Democrats?Albert. By all means. 150Richard. Why, then, Mr. Ford, you’re going to be Vice President. [Exeunt.]

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Scene II. Washington, D.C. a news room.

[Enter Walter Cronkite and John Chancellor.]Chancellor. They say it’ll be a Constitutional confrontation unprecedented.Cronkite. ‘Twill be interesting, no doubt. But, here it is. The courts have ordered him to turn over the tapes.Chancellor. I do not understand the man. He has 5 complied quite completely in giving to the Grand Jury his notes, schedules, and even some tapes. Yet, he withholds the most important conversations.Cronkite. No wonder his popularity slips. 10 Dr. Gallup’s poll is at an all time low. I say the man’s in trouble.[Enter Howard K. Smith.]Smith. Oh, you won’t believe this!Cronkite. I’m all worn out from surprises. I’ll believe it.Smith. This is incredible. One of the tapes 15 that Nixon had already turned over, one that Judge Sirrica was reviewing, to see if any parts were not meant for the Grand Jury to hear, well, when it got to the most important part of the 20 conversation, the tape started buzzing. And for eighteen minutes, not one word was heard. The tape, the most important part, wiped out.Chancellor. I smell a fish.Cronkite. ‘Tis not Kosher. This smacks of wrong doing. 25 This, indeed, is Obstruction of Justice.[Enter Eric Severied.] It’ll be the last straw.Severied. You’re right on that. The House Judiciary Committee has just been charged to look into the possible impeachment of 30 the President. A momentous decision.Cronkite. Indeed.[Enter Rosemary Woods.]Rosemary. I confess. I did it. I erased the tape.Cronkite. What, ho?Chancellor. Slow down, dear lady. Who are you? 35 And why do you confess to so heinous a crime?Rosemary. I am Rosemary Woods, Secretary to the President. And I come forward to clear up this mess. I erased the tape, accidentally, by holding down 40 the pedal, unconsciously, whilst I answered the phone.Smith. A plausible story.[Enter Experts to the Courts.]1st Expert. ‘Tis a lie. We’ve examined the tapes and find that her story holds no water. 45 The tape was erased by repeated attempts at various times.[Enter Experts to the President.]2nd Expert. ‘Tis a lie. We disagree. As hired by the President to check on these other experts, we find that it is 50 highly likely that it was an equipment malfunction.Cronkite. The times we live in are complicated beyond recall. It is us, in the press, who must sort through all this and bring out 55 the truth. But what are we to do when two groups, both with experts, come forth with two sets of information. Which is true and which is false? As discriminating men of the press, we must support one view or the 60 other. For one is true; the other false. But mark my words, whichever side we choose, those opposed will shout, “Bias!” I shake my head, these times are too confusing for me. [Exeunt.]

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Previous Memoirs

The Antarctic Journal of a Young Man (1975) by S. A. McCormick begins on December 16, 2006.

Loose Ends (1929-1959) by K.A. McCormick begins on April 13, 2007.

Life Sketch (1863-1902) by H.A. McCormick, Sr. begins on April 29, 2007.

Excerpts from the 1918 Wynot Tribune begin on June 2, 2007. The Wynot Tribune was published by H.A. McCormick, Sr.

Under One Roof is a father and son comparison of the same small town events as viewed from both sides of the generation gap. It begins on September 15, 2007.

Auburn and Nemaha County, Soicial and Economic Trends, 1960-2003 begins on August 10, 2008. This is original research by Ken McCormick on the recent economic history of small-town Auburn, the county seat of Nemaha County, Nebraska. Although it is strictly the effort of an amateur historian (not being peer-reviewed or anything), Mr. McCormick's analysis and conclusions stand on their own merit.

The Prairie Curmudgeon. Having finally run out of material about small towns in the Midlands, I am temporarily forced to publish crusty, ill-tempered opinions of old men.

Eduard of Nemaha, a Comedy in Five Acts. This play was begun in 1973. Nemaha and Peru are two small towns in southeast Nebraska. For those of you who have perused The Antarctic Journal of a Young Man, you have already met Debrushka.

Richard M. Nixon, a Play in Five Acts

This play was concieved in 1973. It is an impression of the great tapestry of news and history as perceieved from the distance of a small town in the Midlands.