Weather: Hurricane season is starting which in Canada means there's gonna be more rain so don't leave your empties outside cause the cardboard box they're in will get wet and fall apart and the bottles will get filled with water making you think there's beer inside them until you take a swig and realize it's just rainwater and sand and stuff and spit it back out again.

Okay, I bet you're wondering why we're dressed like the Knights of the Round Table.

Doug

I bet you're not.

Bob

Huh? Oh yeah, our readers can't see us.

Doug

Moron.

Bob

Take off. Okay, since you can't see us, I'll describe what we're looking like. Doug here is wearing a big metal helmet, and (looks over)... what the?!

Doug

(putting a tuque on his head, over the helmet) What?

Bob

Why are you putting a tuque on?

Doug

I always wear a tuque!

Bob

Okay. Um. Dumb thing number one: you're wearing armor!

Doug

So?

Bob

Dumb thing number two: it's July! You don't need a tuque!

Doug

The metal helmet's cold.

Bob

Hoser. So he's wearing a helmet and full suit of armor...

Doug

It's pretty heavy, eh?

Bob

Geez. Stop interrupting.

Doug

Sorry, eh!

Bob

Anyway, and I'm wearing chain mail all over my body.

Doug

Yeah. Until this morning hosehead here thought "chain mail" was the stuff you'd get in the mail from someone you don't know saying "copy this letter and send it to six people you don't like, or like bad things will happen to you."

Bob

Aw! I did not!

Doug

Did too.

Bob

Take off. So uh, I guess now that you know what we look like, I bet you're wondering why we're dressed like this.

Doug

Why yes, Bob, I am.

Bob

You hoser, I was talking to our readers.

Doug

I'm a reader. I enjoy hours and hours of entertainment reading the Hoser every month.

Bob

You mean you enjoy having it read to you.

Doug

Yeah. I mean, no! Take off!

Bob

So yeah, to answer your question...

Doug

What question?

Bob

Our readers' question.

Doug

What was that? I didn't hear anything.

Bob

No, I mean they're probably wondering why we're dressed like this, and if they are then I'm gonna tell them.

(lifting helmet) You see how I did that, the guy who did Darth Vader's voice was also the guy who did that line on CNN.

Bob

Yeah, okay. Way to explain the joke for the two guys who didn't get it.

Doug

Beauty, eh!

Bob

Yeah, so what was I talking about?

Doug

You were trying to explain what we're doing in armor, but you kept stuttering and pausing and stuff and it was getting really annoying and I'm sure most of our readers have gone on to read other web pages by this point so I'm just gonna say what the reason is: we're here at the medieval fair, and they're paying us to wear these costumes and walk around in them.

Bob

Yeah, so we're making slightly more than minimum wage, which is better than our last job.

Okay, good day, we got some real good news for you! The show we were first on, SCTV, is out on DVD now, eh! Like now there's three volumes out, covering the whole fourth season when we did our best work! And the fourth volume comes out in September, so take back your empties so you can afford to buy them, eh!

CANADIAN CONTENT CERTIFICATIONTHIS ONLINE NEWSPAPER IS CERTIFIED 100% CANADIAN CONTENT BY THE CANADIAN CULTURAL IDENTITY COMMISSION.

The Hoser

My main page, with news related to a bunch of Canadian comedies, including SCTV and The Red Green Show. There's also sound clips from both of those, plus an online newspaper, The Hoser, "written" by Bob and Doug McKenzie.

Contact Bob

Send me your questions or comments about anything on the site to codorjan@gmail.com. I'll try to reply within a few days of receiving the message, but make sure you tell me what page you're talking about.