One guy you drafted in the 2nd round. The Ethier guy you drafted in the last round just so you’d have someone to draft when Rauch became the closer for the Nots. One guy will get drafted again in the first five rounds next year; the Ethier guy may be grabbed as a fifth outfielder then dropped when he’s doing a blahtoon with some other Dodgers schmohawk. None of this affects what you are doing for the next two weeks of this season. For realz! No, seriously. For realz! Don’t make me get punny…. Fine! Ethier you want to win or you don’t. No one’s going to say in October, “Hey, you came in 2nd, but at least you held onto Doumit. You owed it to him after all the great games he gave you in June.” Throw your loyalty out the window. Vlad was good okay in the summer, but the Angels have clinched and they’re going to rest their big man. Ethier has been the hottest hitter in all of baseball for over a month. Respectively, that’s buy and sell or drop and add at this point in the season, because they mean the same thing. You knew that though, that’s like Econ 101 in the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston. Anyway, here’s some fantasy baseball players to buy and sell:

Asdrubal Cabrera– Batting close to .500 for the last seven games. At this point, I don’t care that he batted .240 on the year or that his first name is a anal leakage diagnosis. This is September! Act like it! (Sorry, for all the exclamation points, but I just bought a new coffee maker and I’ve been going a bit overboard on the caffeine. Speaking of ‘Overboard,’ at least once a year I’ll talk to my Mom and she’ll be watching this Goldie Hawn classic. It never gets old. I think that’s the ultimate mom movie.)

Joey Votto – In the last two weeks, Votto’s been more valuable than Teixeira, Berkman, Atkins, Youuuuuuk, Adrian Gonzalez, Conor Jackson, Casey Kotchman and Prince Fielder. (I don’t endorse dropping Fielder, no matter how good it might feel.) Votto’s the da bomb as they said in high schools back in 2004.

Rajai Davis – It’s with great pause I suggest this schmohawk. But if you need speed, eff it in the cooley and grab Rajai.

Pablo Sandoval – Maybe he won’t slow down until April. Maybe he’ll hit .330 for the next seven years. Who cares? What, you plan on keeping Pudge for next year?

Brandon Wood – For about two weeks now, I’ve been pushing Wood hard. Um… Wait. No, that’s what I meant.

Blake DeWitt – He has 2nd base elgibility. Holy heffin’ hey, are you kidding me?! He’s in Coors this weekend. Why isn’t he on your team? What, you have Polanco? Ugh. I’ll never understand you. Never!

Jesse Litsch – No, I don’t really like the Jays pitcher/slash Rays ex-bat boy, but I do right now. Just be careful against the Sawx next time out.

James Parr – Has yet to give up a run, but that could end in a big way or not. You have to take chances in the final weeks when players like Lackey are being skipped because their club clinched.

Kevin Slowey – I already explained why I think Slowey’s a keeper. Why would you want me to repeat myself?

Bronson Arroyo – I hate this schmohawk as much as the next guy, but he’s pitching well. You have to take some chances in these final weeks.

Taylor Teagarden – 4 HRs in 24 at-bats.

SELL

Gerald Laird – 6 HR in 305 at-bats. See a quarter of an inch above.

John Lackey – Mentioned him above. I know what you’re thinking. His two starts are better than most guy’s three starts. True, but what if they pull him after 5 innings of the 2nd start because they just want him to throw. Or maybe he pitches surrounded by the Angels B offense. Still as appealing?

Victor Martinez – Maybe next year he’ll come back and he’ll be like Resurrection: Tupac, but for right now he looks like Black Sheep’s followup to A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.

Rickie Weeks – I gotta say whoever is holding onto him, you show great loyalty. Not the best judgment, but your loyalty is impeccable.

Conor Jackson – Imagine a world where a first baseman gave you a little bit of everything, but that little bit reminds you of a 2nd baseman’s stats. Then you have Conor Jackson attached to play the lead. Would that be something you’d be interested in?

@Grey: You’re right of course. I’m just worried about possibly falling behind in a couple of categories blowing a semifinal because I was to scared to drop a middle reliever or two.

I’d still have Kuo, Buchholz and Downs as Holds guys, with the hope I could grab Bell back again or someone like Pena/Nelson/Stokes/Duaner off the wire. I have a huge bunch of schmohawk closers so I’m OK there.

The other side of this is I would have to bench a couple of starters to fit these guys in. Is two servings of Overbay going to be more satisfying than one helping of Carlos Pena?

At ths point I’m leaning towards dropping Bell and Wood for Overbay and Crisp. I don’t think I can drop three of my guys. My opponent has V-Mart, Ellsbury and The Ass-Dribble as DH guys tomorro, so not exactly the heavy artillery. He also has Vlad and he must be due to sit soon…

How do you feel about starting Verlander tonight against the White Sox? Currently I am starting Harang against the DBacks tonight. I could start both, I’d just have to bench a reliever — but I can handle that, currently up 4-1 in saves.

@Steve: Then I guess we’ll check back on this later. If you need what Crisp gives you, I chuck Nady. Might want Dukes instead of him anyway. And, as I said above, if you need what Overbay gives you, you put him in there for his 8 at-bats as opposed to Pena’s 1-for-4 with a possible HR.

Asdrubal Cabrera’s splits scare me. He is horrible against righty’s. Do you recommend him as a pickup for the doubleheader tomorrow even facing 2 righty’s, as opposed to someone like Scutaro or Callapso?

@Nick:@Grey: I might be missing something. Why bench Kelly Johnson against lefties? According to Yahoo, although he doesn’t have a HR against lefties, he’s hit .347/.823 against them, as opposed to .258/.782 against righties. Has he batted poorly against lefties lately? I just picked him up and think he’ll be facing at least three next week, so I’m not asking to be rhetorical or pedantic.

@royce!: Historically he hasn’t hit well against them and Cox likes to bench him when they face them. If he’s starting and your other options aren’t great, then by all means. This is more because you want to squeeze everything you can out in these last few weeks.

@Grey: Well, for my sake I hope that Cox has looked at his splits from this season and keeps him in the lineup, because I can’t make any changes to my roster during the week. Seems that Cox has kept him in the lineup pretty consistently for the last couple of weeks (I think one game he didn’t start but pinch hit).

I think having a monopoly on MLB Kellys could really help my team next week. And R. Kelly’s our mascot, so I figure I can’t lose.

Who should I stream for tommorow. Im already planning on streaming Byrd.
Who are the others I should stream. Bartolo Colon in the doubleheader, Tim Redding, Chris Young (vs. Lincecum), Kershaw, De La Rosa, Litsch, Glen Perkins, McCarthy (against A’s), kenny rogers. Can you narrow it down to the best guys that have the best chance of getting the win without killing my ratios.

3 for 3 in wins tonight for my starting pitchers. I got Webb and then I streamed Maholm, and streamed Harrisson against the bad A’s. Risks can pay off, but i guess I kinda got lucky. Good thing I didnt stream Meche cuz i was close to but I had a feeling he would get blown up and there was no way he was getting the win against Cliff Lee

Is this Taylor Teagarden (cool name!! a tea garden) for real. He just hit another HR today. I would pick him up but too bad I already have Shoppach. If I had a average catcher I would prob pick him up. Is this a fluke or is he someone to target for next year in the later rounds? I will prob draft him next year as my sleeper cuz not much people are focusing on baseball now that football started

@Grey: OK. It’s been a shitty day for the good guys. Now down 7-4. Up by 1 in Runs, even in RBI, down by 2 in HRs and down by 1 in steals. Up by 25 points in AVE, down by 30 in OBP.

Weather permitting, would have four guys going in DHs tomorrow: Al-Ram, Nady, Pena and Markakis (would have to bench Hawpe to play him). My opponent has 5, although hopefully V-Mart and Ellsbury will only play 1 of the 2 and Vlad will sit.

The only guy I could really bench in favour of another DH guys is Atkins (Howard, Hanley and Ethier are my other one-start guys. And the best candidates to fill a 3B spot are Scutaro, Iwamura or Teahen.

So, I could drop Bell for one of them, although I am behind 3-2 in Holds now too. Against this, Downs plays a DH tomorrow too.

There’s realy no-one else I can drop, now that Nady has two games tomorrow.

@SoS: I’m starting Colon in a deep league (possibly, I may pull him at the last second), but I don’t think he’s safe by any stretch.

@wassup: He is for real, but Shoppach’s just as good, hold tight. For next year, he’s a possibility. The Rangers need to get rid of Laird or at least commit to Teagarden.

@Steve: That sucks that you are behind, but you’re still close. I’d go with the four that you have. Don’t bench Atkins for Scutaro, Iwamura or Teahan. Also don’t drop Bell if you are that close in Holds.

@Grey: Awesome – thanks for the advice at this advanced hour (for you, that is. Not quite dinnertime for me. Grilled swordfish tonight btw).
Had pretty much decided to go with what I had but great to get the input. Need some scoreless innings to get back ahead in ERA, it being the tiebreaker and all.
Atkins or Wood at 3B?

There’s two categories that i’m in very tight races in and can gain quite a few points…steals and wins.

In steals, i’ve got 99, the next guy’s got 100, then 101, 102, and 103. I’ve got Markakis, Rios, and two of Bruce, Dickerson and Cruz in my OF. Who am i picking up out of Davis, Crisp, Bourn, Milledge, Anderson and Eric Patterson, and who am i dropping?

As for wins, i’m -23 in IP, i’m spot starting Max Scherzer against Cincy tomorrow, any other suggestions for possible streamers in the next few days? Despite how horrible he’s been, is Anibal worth a shot at home to the Nats, or how about Zito at Petco VS Baek?

Im getting confused if McCarthy is starting today or not? In Yahoo! he has the the little arrow that means he will start but theres an article that says Rangers decided to shuffle rotation to allow Padilla rest. Feldman goes today, Padilla tommorrow and McCarthy on Monday. If its true im screwed cuz I love McCarthy’s chances and its too late to add and drop cuz its already the same day.

I have Anibal on a few teams. Zito could be worth it, but it’s really playing with fire. I kinda like Baek at home too, which is scary. Either way, very risky.

@wassup: With the rain everywhere, it’s really hard to tell the pitching matchups. I have conflicting reports on who is starting today for the Rangers. I’m hoping it’s the McCarthy and it looks like it is, only I’m not 100% sure.

@Martin: Zito, Baek, Thompson, Jackson, Blanton, punt. Also, see what I wrote for Joe right above.

Who are the best streamers for Sunday (taking in account chances of W and not killing ratios). Here are the options…Edwin Jackson, Brian Bannister,Campillo, Dave Bush, Blanton, Brad Thompson, Ian Snell, Jason Marquis (who Im leaning toward), Wolf, Maddux, Zito, Feldman (against A’s it worked with Harrison), Scherzer, Cueto, Suppan. Can you narrow it down to like 3 or 4 and the best options. Thanks in advance

@knighttown: All I found was, “Alex Rodriguez was scratched from the first game of Saturday’s doubleheader with a stiff neck.
A-Rod is probably available to pinch-hit and could start in tonight’s contest. Cody Ransom got the nod at third base.”

Im on the edge of my seat because of one of my H2H playoff matchups. Its a 10×10 scoring such random categories as triples, complete games, and holds. My offense shit the bed this week leaving me with a .250 average and insurmontable deficits in almost all of the offensive categories. I called this earlier in the week and you already know about my magical p0rk prognistications, but my pitching has kept me in it. Its currently tied 8 to 8. Because I have the majority of the pitching stats by the skin of my teeth (winning walks issued by 2, a 1 homerun allowed advantage) I’ve decided to bench ALL of my pitchers the rest of the week. This means the outcome of this matchup depends on 1 or 2 things.

He has Brett Myers going tomorrow. I’m up in Ks by 4 and have 3 wins to his 2, we are both tied at 1 loss. If Brett strikes out 4 OR wins the tie will disappear. Obviously, im rooting for Brett to lose and strike out less than 4. We are tied in triples with 1 each and so far neither of us have managed a stolen base. These categories could be the other factor in spelling p0rk’s failed attempt at a threepeat.

Lets hope none of the above happens. If it stays tied at 8-8 Ill advance to the championship round because I own the ERA tiebreaker, ironically the same way I got into the championship round last year. I sat both Shields and Josh Johnson today. Obviously after Shields performance I wish I had started him because it would have moved that K lead to 10 and further lowered my ERA and WHIP in addition to giving me some more padding with 4 wins to 2. Alas, so goes fantasy baseball.

In other p0rk related news, the RCL has turned into a slugfest with Sandlot’s finest climbing into the fray. Its currently a 3 point gap between the top three teams with 9 or so days to go. You guys are giving me angina.

@Grey: Shields road record this season scared me. I can’t afford walks, homers, or a hit to ERA/WHIP. The classic case of playing to not lose vs playing to win. Usually bites you in the ass. Now JJ is looking like he’s going to pitch a gem.

Don’t talk to me about it. Brett is going to stink. I just know it. Can’t you tell me how the Brewers are going to light him up tomorrow? Please?

@p0rk burn: It might all be moot anyways. He picked up a SB from Beltran to take a 9-8 lead. Even if I started those two I would still be down a category. Come on Rios, do the only thing you did for me all season.

Ike screwed me. Would have been nice to have 3 or 4 games out of Alfonso. Eff you Ike, Eff you in your eye.

@Grey: Maybe thats the problem – I’m sober so I’m not thinking straight. Seeing an 8-8 tie today after being dominated all week made me cling to the idea that I could manage my way to victory. Like I said, I have a one home run lead and 2 walk advantage. It seemed to be a reasonable assumption that that even if Shields and JJ pitched well they would give up a bomb or two as well as a couple of walks. So doing the math, it seemed like I was likely to cost myself more categories than I could pick up (as in I couldn’t pick up any categories but could cost myself a few).

I need a drink. Know anybody guaranteed to pick up a steal or two tomorrow?

I’m out of mixers but have booze. No beer. Good games on TV. Its enough to make me scream serenity now. My choices are seriously down to strawberry soda (don’t ask why thats in my fridge) and vodka or just hittin’ the bottle straight. How deep we sink during playoffs . . .

@Grey: Well, unless he hits a triple tomorrow there aren’t offensive categories he can beat me in that he isnt already. I have the pitching locked up but he can tie wins and overtake me in strikeouts. The tiebreaker is ERA which I have locked up. If he sits Myers I’ll win without a triple. So root for April Brett or for him to sit him.

@Grey: C’est La Vie. With the way McLouth has heated up and the number of games next week I may ride Markakis, Grandy, McLouth in the outfield with Werth in utility. Grandy was icey this week so a shortened week of Ethier may be better. Opinion?

As to SP next week I was thinking of riding Billingsley, Liriano, Myers, Ohlendorf, Shields, and Volstad with Broxton closing over Fuentes.
On the bench I have Wainwright. Any under the radar two starters to look for?