Okay first of all, no, that is not stock photography or some picture I found off of Google images to the left, that is rockin’ mother. Yes ladies and gentleman, even I have to admit that the woman has the tendency to out-dress me on numerous occasions, this time being one of them. This outfit, which she wore to work, is a Theory dress with shoulder pads, my favorite part, and punctuation tights from American Apparel … genius. Consider this my version of Street Style.

So back to these fabulous tights. Maybe because I’m a copy editor / writer that I find these to be so fabulous, but I’m in love with them and if I owned a pair … I would probably kiss them.

They are sheer tights, so it gives the illusion that your legs are tattooed with number signs, colons, exclamation points and many other symbols … does it get any better than that?

AND … the parenthesis … goes right around your left knee cap . Uh huh American Apparel, hats off to you my friends.

What I really love about these tights is that they allow for every type of person with a sense of style to wear them. Someone with a purple mohawk and piercings who worships Satan and plays in a death metal band could throw these on and continue on with their badass persona. But, if you are a fashion fiend, like my dear mother here, who enjoys the simple, fierce black dress from Theory … she too can rock these tights and not abandon her fashion beliefs.

I know American Apparel can sometimes seem overwhelming, or strange, or make you want to tilt you head and say “what the eff” to some of these items … but here and there you can find pieces that work with your wardrobe and bring out your inner fashion vixen.

We have officially arrived at heat wave central, so the need to wear as minimal amounts of clothing without looking like a whore is optimal, especially at work. So what happens when you need to wear a skirt or dress and your legs are so pale you can see through them, you have a raging bruise that you need to hide, or your skirt or dress is a tad on the short side and you need something to compensate.

Sigh, pantyhose. I immediately think of those cheap plastic balls of nude “hose” one would get at CVS or Walgreens … and the 80’s. The word skeeves me and quite frankly, the thought of wearing them in the summer skeeves me even more. And by the way, who calls them “hose” anymore? Didn’t that word get banned along with “stewardess?” Isn’t the fashionably correct term, “tights” or “stockings,” because I do believe it is.

So Kate Middleton was seen frolicking around La La Land in nude colored “hose,” and now all of a sudden they are making a comeback? True, the girl is a rising style icon, but have you ever heard of the saying, “if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?” So I HAVE to ask … just because Kate Middleton wore “hose,” will you?

Yes, a chic pair of black or nude tights in the fall or winter can make a look fierce, but people, we are in the middle of July, and I get claustrophobic just thinking about them on my legs. If you are uncomfortable walking around with bare legs, that is why maxi dresses and skirts were invented … and pants, all trendy and chic.

It is so difficult to find a pair of nude “hose” that match your skin tone. They are either too shiny, too dark or too light. Sure, pantyhose has the reputation of being “sexy,” but have you ever watched a real woman put on pantyhose? Probably the least sexy thing on the planet, in fact I tend to curse a lot when I put mine on because I end up pinching my legs trying to shimmy those bad boys up.

So here is what I’m saying, let’s put this trend, if that is what you want to call it, on the back burner, you know, until it doesn’t feel like the fiery pits of hell outside. Also, let’s make a deal that we will start a revolution to ban the word “pantyhose.”