WIKINEWS - Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda's second in command, has released a new videotape calling for a holy war against the "Zionists and Crusaders". Unfortunately, CIA sources say that Zawahiri may have been stoned, and actually meant that "the war with Israel does not depend on ceasefires."

CIA consulted the Russian Intelligence agency (formerly KGB) and both were decidedly confused with Zawahiri's statement. Both concluded some mitigating factor like excessive masterbation may be the cause.

"Oh Muslims everywhere, I call on you to fight and become martyrs in the war against the Zionists and the Crusaders. The war with Israel does not depend on ceasefires... It is a jihad for God's sake and will last until religion prevails ... from Spain to Iraq. My fellow Muslims, it is obvious that Arab and Islamic governments are not only impotent but also complicit...and you are alone on the battlefield. Rely on God and fight your enemies...make yourselves martyrs," said Zawahiri.

French officials, in their typical boorish, stupid manner, said at a press conference, "maybe he will declare a Jihad against Braveheart and Captain Jack Sparrow. Certainly Robin Hood is shaking in his boots."

Zawahiri also said that the entire planet is an "open battlefield," and that "we [al-Qaeda] will attack everywhere." He claimed that the rockets Israel is using to strike Hezbollah are supplied by the "countries of the Crusader coalition. Since they are attacking us everywhere, we will attack everywhere. We cannot just watch these shells as they burn our brothers in Gaza and Lebanon and stand by idly, humiliated."

Even CIA officials pondered if that meant they will be attacking themselves to prove a point of how tough they are. Nobody could come to an agreement.

Zawahiri also makes reference to the three Israeli soldiers that were kidnapped saying, "The 10,000 Palestinian prisoners in Israel's prisons do not move anything while three Israeli prisoners have shaken the world."

This is the tenth message Zawahiri has made since the beginning of 2006. This one making even less sense than the other nine. Bush's comment about the statements, "yeah, Zohariwarti can come over here and shake my balls!"