Another month, another Previews catalog, and another one of these…the End of Civilization, where I take a look at some things slowly slouching towards your local funnybook shop, and proceed to either crack wise at, or despair of, them. Don’t make me go through it alone…grab your copy of the September 2012 issue of Previews and accompany me on my little retail excursion:

Cover – Rotworld crossover event:

Oh, sure, there’s guy flyin’ around in an iron suit on the flipside of the new Previews, but pffft who wants to look at that nonsense when you’ve got Swamp Thing doin’ his thing on this cover?

p. 12 – Indie Edge:

Hey, you know, “Able,” “Abel,” either / or, that’s close enough.

p. 69 – Game of Thrones Tyrion Statue:

It’s a damn shame this is just part of a series of Game of Thrones statues and not a line of Peter Dinklage statues. Oh, sure, your high-falutin’ film fans will want the Station Agent statue, but the real fans will want the Maurice statue from Tiptoes.

p. 78 – Wonder Woman #14:

At long last, Wonder Woman has finally achieved her full potential, as Batman’s newest Robin.

p. 113 – Deathstroke #14:

Oh, man, we’re gonna miss you, Rob.

p. 143 – DC Comics Super Heroes Supergirl Bust:

Honestly, you can’t just half-commit to Walking Like An Egyptian. C’mon, Kara, what would the Bangles say?

If there’s one iconic image that represents Batman to the public at large, it’s…this one vehicle-thingie that appears in just this one movie and will probably never be seen again. Not, like, the Bat-symbol or anything.

p. 198 – Spawn #225:

I hear the probability of finding the “Ron Paul Wins!” variant is practically nonexistent.

p. 362 – Doctor Who Doctionary HC:

You know, it’s kind of a cheat to use the same pic of River Song for the definitions of both “overplayed” and “pandering.”

p. 378 – “Dim Shield” and “Like A Hawk” T-Shirts:

“Dim Shield” is probably the least-used of derogatory terms villains would shout at Cap. And the guy on the other shirt looks nothing like Hawkeye.

p. 395 – Star Trek Select Spock Figure:

Unclear as to whether or not the Horta is separate from the base. I think it is, but I’m not sure. But here’s hoping at long last I can finally have my Horta action figure and I can stop using that old baked potato stuffed with overcooked cheese.

…What?

p. 407 – E.T. Bendable Figure:

The “E.T. flashes Gertie” scene was cut after poor reaction from test audiences.

p. 407 – E.T. Hand with Lighted LED Finger:

This is identified as a “role-play accessory” in the catalog, and all I can picture is a kid running around shouting “the maniac has cut off E.T.s hand, OH GOD WHY”

p. 412 – Tarzan of the Apes 100th Anniversary Statue:

Not pictured: the Nude Variant:

p. 416 – Street Fighter Sagat 1/4-Scale Statue:

Not sure I care for this Nick Fury redesign for the forthcoming Joss Whedon S.H.I.E.L.D. TV series.

p. 424 – DC Comics Green Lantern Movie Light-Up Be@rbrick:

You know, this reveal of the First Lantern from the current Green Lantern comics is kind of disappointing.

p. 426 – Doctor Who Large Inflatable Dalek:

Exterm-inflate!Exterm-inflate!Exterm-inflate!

p. 427 – Final Fantasy 25th Anniversary Accessories:

Okay, that’s actually the pen case, but I swear, at first glance I thought it was a Final Fantasy-themed coffin. …Hey, don’t look at me like that, you know that’s within the realm of possibility.

p. 430 – Star Trek Captain Jean-Luc Picard Mini-Bust:

“Engage my finger.”

“Oh, Captain, no! Not to the Andorian ambassador!”

p. 431 – Star Wars 7-Inch Taking Plush Balls:

This is not the direction I expected for the inevitable Star Trek/Star Wars crossover, as the crew of the Enterprise gets involved in a civil war amongst mutated tribbles.

p. 439 – Black Widow Perfume for Women:

I’m just going to let this amazing solicitation text speak for itself:

Russian Spy, Trained Assassin, World Class Ballerina, Girl from Legal Department. A clear shot of citrus and fresh berries create a statement which slowly gives way to a sensual caramel and honey note; but kept too sweet by a pairing of dry Australian Sandalwood. Then, like a spider spindling silently from above, Black Widow dries down to a deeply desirous gourmand delight of bitter chocolate, clear patchouli and praline. This is a fragrance for those who can navigate the high-tension tightrope of love and duty – and who knows what it takes to be called Black Widow.

I am so totally sold, I can’t even tell you.

p. 441 – Tintin Snowy and Crocodile Plush:

You see, when the plucky pet of a young reporter and a hideous member of the family Crocodylidae love each other very much….

DAMMIT Wesley’s screwed again! Maybe he was off with the Traveler Pez dispenser when this set was assembled.

p. 454 – Anti-Zombie-Viral Hand Sanitizer:

So, by cleaning your hands with this hand-sanitizer, the surviving germs will continue to spread, requiring stronger sanitizers, which result in stronger germs, and this Darwinian cascade will eventually result in the actual zombie viral epidemic breaking out. DAMN YOU, CLEAN PEOPLE…YOU’VE KILLED US ALL!

p. 465 – Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Collector’s Edition Monopoly:

Do not pass GO, do not play any reindeer games.

…Yeah, I know, it was low-hanging fruit, but c’mon, it was right there!

p. 698 – Amazing Spider-Man #698:

“The end of Spider-Man’s world begins when Doctor Octopus discovers who Peter Parker really is.”

I originally read this as “Doc Ock finds out Spidey’s secret identity,” but maybe he just finds out that Peter Parker is, like, a jerk or something. “Man, that Parker kid never tips! What a dick!”