I needed to reset. Pornography had slowly taken control of my life. In January 2018, I finally decided to fight back.

Initially, my relationship with pornography was exciting. It energized me to get up in the morning. It empowered me to tap into deep desires. It distracted me from pain and worry. It relieved my stress. And it taught me things about myself and the world.

As I grew up, my old habits stayed the same. My relationship with porn habituated. We kept secrets to ourselves. I longed for it whenever I had a few minutes. Fantasies of blue-lit screens stung me and swarmed my attention. I planned my days around when we could spend time together.

But it was hindering me from the rest of my life. I often regretted surrendering control so willingly. I was fiending for a release instead of tapping into my desires. I was prioritizing porn over loved ones and ambitions. The spark of excitement had gone out.

The World is our Audience

When I would decide to watch porn, there was usually one point of “no return,” during which I decided to go all-in. At that point, I would ask myself:

"Do I want to be the person who did what I'm about to do?"

I thought that I only answered for myself. So, each time I answered, “sure, it’s fine.” If I chose it and approved of it, then my actions were good. I wasn’t hurting anyone. No one else was watching.

But my friends, the world is our audience. The habits, thoughts, and desires that we cultivate in private are those that emerge in public. Our private and public lives take place in the same story. No one else might know what I did in private, but they would soon interact with the person who did. They did not participate in the act, but they would see the direct effects on my mind, body, and soul.

If I crave lustfully in private, I am likely to crave lustfully in public. This is not the person I wanted to be.

I had two options: Whine about the world and pity myself as a victim. Or, change my behavior.

"You reap what you sow."-Galatians (paraphrased)

Deciding to Stop

I decided to stop watching porn for six months. Six months turned into 14 months, to this day. The fight is not over, and I must stay vigilant. But I have regained control of my addiction.

I also did not masturbate for those 6 months. From January until July 2018, I reset my brain. I ripped apart its reliance on these habits so I could rebuild from the ground up.

My friends, removing pornography from my life was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I’ve ever done.

Results

I accomplished my goal and more. I am no longer a person who watches porn. And I was able to reestablish a healthy relationship with masturbation that does not rely on porn.

This was one of the hardest things that I’ve done. I faced severe cravings and flashbacks, especially in the first month. I doubted and second-guessed and lied to myself and struggled with moving forward. But after that first intense month, things started to balance out. The intensity of cravings and the frequency of flashbacks steadily decreased.

After six months, my body and mind stopped relying on pornography as a release. I completely transformed. Chemical imbalances evened out. I increased testosterone, energy, ambition, focus, sex drive, and stamina. God opened up to me spiritually, and my heart was ready to listen.

That inner voice now speaks clearly: “Do I want to be the person who did what I’m about to do?” I now answer, “No.”

I think porn is dangerous and addicting. Some people can handle it. But for many people who struggle with addiction, the first step is admitting that it’s a problem.

Need help? Send me a note and we can chat about my experience.

"You should be able to do things that you wouldn't do."-Jordan Peterson

What about a role within a greater Narrative? My actions fit within the societal wheel producing and recycling life. We give and receive belief in individual autonomy among other actors.
• Human life has value.
• We respect common law.
The Great Narrative needs actors. These actors have two attributes, which give the story drama:
• The ability to recognize the Narrative.
• The ability to believe they live apart from the Narrative.
A Narrative has a writer, or writers. The writer sets the story in motion. She never knows where the story will go or whether it will end.
The Great Narrator whispers to me through the shimmering essence of things in the Great Narrative. The voice floats at the edge of order and chaos. My conscience begs me to burst from underneath the surface of my expression.
Maybe you’ve lost touch with the voice that percolates through the silent noise when you’re bored with nothing to consume.
But I haven’t.
It’s there.
I listen to it.

We have ripped away the structures that were sustaining important belief systems without replacing them. How do we live while relying on only ourselves as the guide?

I do it as a hero. I see my life as a coherent narrative story. As the main actor, I can connect past to present. Because things tend to repeat in similar ways, I can better prepare for future unknowns with knowledge of the past.

Salmon swim upstream.

Winter gets cold.

I live my life as a narrative. I can explain my actions under a unified self through time. This enables me to negotiate in the present with the future, because my future self will be there.

Awkwardness. Everyone acquaints themselves with it, as a passenger to a driver. There are many causes, but one overarching effect: discomfort.

One of the first times I used an Uber, I was a few drinks deep in Boston. As an antsy group of eight, we split into subsections, and I hopped into the front of the first Uber car. After a brief discussion regarding the best way to navigate narrow, one-way streets, a deafening silence settled into the car’s interior. After a moment, I casually turned to the driver and said: “So, what do you do?” The”ooo” reverberated over the drone of the engines for tooo long.

The driver dryly stated, “I am an Uber driver.”

“Right, right,” as I retracted into that half-smile, half-grimace that often emerges to encourage the effort but scold the performance. I had put on my glasses to find my glasses. I had put the cookies in the oven without turning it on. I had strolled into the office on Saturday morning while musing “what word rhymes with bird?” Any chance of interpersonal connection was as good as lost after a short string of sounds was formed aloud. The wall, that strange energy field that firmly forces its hand over my mouth, was raised. Why?

Symbol

Imagine that a conversation is a work of theater. In comparing my life to external symbols for increased understanding, I am quick to compare conversations to movies, novels, and plays.

Most conversations seem to revolve around a script of practiced questions and answers. There is no time for awkwardness or silence, for these break the magic. Like leaping from a diving board, soaring with limbs outreached, and smashing into sharp, chilling water, excitement withdraws into suppressed desperation. When I enter into a conversation, my inner dialogue turns its direction externally. The curtain raises, revealing and engaging attentions. We portion our lives into sections (four minutes until the bus, six-feet tall, a three-hour performance at the Folger Theatre). So, after the spell is broken, we think that the show has ended.

But there is no show. There was never a show. A meaningful conversation does not have a script, nor a time limit, nor a stage.

The questions “What do you do?”, and “Where are you from?” stand only as mere placeholders of our hopes, fears, and spontaneous thoughts. The past and present are usually boring.

“I’m a ___.”

“Oh, cool. My cousin is a ___.”

More valuable meaning lies in wait, hidden from immediate view. Ask yourself: would you rather be known by what you were, what you are, or what you could be?

Power

My answer: what I could be. The problem is, I know what I was (or, I think I do), and I know what I am (or, I think I do). So, these are important to acknowledge. But, I do not know what I could be. Don’t worry; that doesn’t matter, and I’ll explain why.

Establish a mission that’s your ace in the hole, your main squeeze, your talking point alpha. This is the thing that you think about when you’re not thinking. This is the thing that seems so obvious to you that you only realize you were moving towards after the fact. It’s the thing you can talk about best.

If you can’t think of something genuine, then make it up. Have fun with it. Even if you change your mind in a year, a week, or an hour, the importance of having a mission now is greater than the imagined integrity you’ll feel if you miraculously manage to stick to a plan without ever changing it. Acting as an unmoving rock clinging to a bank in a flood is foolish and inefficient. Adapt to survive, or fall by means of faulty belief in the law of induction and ignorance. Good luck when you wear shorts today because you’ve been comfortable the past three days…even if it’s snowing today. No, yeah, of course. You’re wearing them on purpose, to prove something. Right. Go freeze.

The point is, you’re never going to stick to this plan. So, go crazy making something up! I’m going to be a robot beauty stylist. I’m reading the Bible, backwards, to gain a deeper understanding of the influence of the direction of a narrative on my personal ethical system. I’m currently training for my next competition, in which we run three miles while typing a fan-fiction screenplay of a Star Wars blooper reel. Have fun with it! Just be sure to have it.

What this allows you to do is to be more than a name. We remember “Peter the Great,” more likely than “Peter.” The “name + differentiator” combination encourages others to define you, and give you a small sphere of unique power. The differentiator makes all the difference. No longer Grant, I am “Grant, the robot beauty stylist.” That increases my uniqueness factor from 1 / ~60,000 to 1 / (hopefully less than 60,000).

Of course, the goal should be to reach that uniqueness factor of 1 / 1 without the necessity of a differentiator. Although, if the CEO of the hottest new British company selling drink containers, catered to diabetics, that automatically assess the amount of sugar in the fluid and, after a hand grips it, takes a blood sugar reading and calls aloud whether the holder should or shouldn’t drink the drink is named “Kant,” then this person should absolutely defer the uniqueness to Immanuel in favor of the motto “Kant Kan”.

Barring any spectacular circumstances, focus on means to ends. The mission causes feelings of passion in conversation, which, if returned, resonate into more positive emotions. Good feelings bias us into thinking that the person we are talking to is better, that we are better, and that the whole conversation was better. Use this to your advantage by having more meaningful, future-oriented conversations.

And yet, I have not determined why I distrust patient people. The distrust is probably in myself. It’s probably because their patient eagerness fizzles away unsatisfied as I respond “Well, right now I am…” instead of “Oh boy, let me tell you about this new light-adaptive, auto-adhesive chrome eye-liner!”