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After much anticipation, I finally had my 21st birthday party and homewarming party. While I haven’t really celebrated any of my birthdays since my 4th, I am trying to celebrate living more and open up emotionally, so I figured that this was a good reason to celebrate. Plus this is my first ship, and is also my first completely independent home that is completely mine, so that is also a good reason to celebrate.

Besides, the people I work with on a regular basis are really starting to feel like a family. At least more like a family than anything I have felt in memory. Some more than others of course, but a family like this is a family by choice, not complete luck, and that takes a little more time to build. And having a real family feels good.

Anyways, the party unfortunately was a bit of a let down in the end.

Oh, it started off well enough. Had a fairly good turnout, for the size of the ship, it was more than life support could have kept up with, but that was part of why I chose the location, the other being I thought and was right that the sunset would be a beautiful backdrop to the party.

While I did not expect everyone to bring presents, they all did, and almost all of them were really good thoughtful presents. The biggest good surprise gifts being the boots and the “stress relief device”. I really did not expect the boots from a guy, and I’m fairly positive that the tagorian did not really know what the device was for. He’s so formal and structured, that I just cant imagine him giving something like that in public if he fully understood what it was, course I could be wrong, sometimes people are very different from the outer mask they wear… The only disappointing gifts were from DSW and his guest. I know absolutely NOTHING about how to keep plants and animals alive. And I’m fairly sure none of the droids do either. Plus there is the amount of time I am away on missions. The ‘pony’ may not be completely bad if I can figure out how to keep it alive. It is a riding beast, and having an alternative to speeders for long ground journeys could be very useful at times, but then I have to consider how to get it to such missions since I am not going to be taking my ship anytime soon. It’s not like Nestle that can just be turned off and placed in a crate for easy shipping.

Turned out to be plenty of good things to drink, thanks to many of my friends. I still cant believe the quantity of drinks KT and JH brought. I really think KT just brought a full pallet full. On the other hand though, the bar is now fully stocked even after the amount we all drank at the party.

I had planned on getting good and a bit more than tipsy by the end of the night, but had wanted to keep at least some consciousness since it was my party I was hosting, and I had planned on having a real good time at the end of the party, though I was not quite sure with who all.

There was at least one good breakthrough, the hottub seems to have been a good idea, and I even got Sis to try it for a brief time while her hubby was busy trying to gamble several people out of something. But considering she seems to have issues with water, it seemed to have been a breakthrough. The jets in the tub really do feel good, and the company was great, so it was worth it.

Unfortunately DSW and his friend went a bit too far with their jokes. I know they were just trying to give everyone a good laugh, but they really should have consulted me before hand.

Things have been really emotional for me lately (loss of my friend, finding his interrogation tapes, trying to open up to my feelings, meeting my new sis), I was already about half way drunk, and when I saw the image of my father, it was just too much. I was not prepared for that. Part of me knew right away it was not him unless he had grown almost a foot taller in the last 5 years, but it didn’t stop the mix of feelings from completely paralyzing me for a moment. Of course I say a moment, but really I don’t know if it was a split second or an hour. I didn’t even hear what he said. Confusion, rage, memories of my mother and the loss of her, sadness, and everything that he told me was irrelevant turning in my stomach. When I realized I was crying in front of everyone and they were all looking at me in shock, it was THE most embarrassing moment of my life. Being naked in front of them (which several in the room have seen me naked before), or even if I walked in on them all watching the holovid I made on Bespin would not have embarrassed me a quarter of what I felt when I realized I had allowed myself to freeze up like that in public. I mean they are my family, but not all of them are quite close enough that I feel comfortable being that emotionally naked in front of them. Then to compound it all, I panicked, running and locking myself in my cabin like a child! It took me much longer than I would have liked to get myself back under control and presentable. Sis being there and showing her concern with no trace of any ridicule even as drunk as she was was probably the only thing that allowed me to regain control and face them all again. It didn’t hurt that I could hear everyone else berating the imposter for his poor taste. But I knew that I was the host, and I didn’t want to be known as the hostess who ran out of her own party and hid, never to be seen again, so I had to regain my composure and return no matter who was out there. I have put on very convincing shows before, I knew I could get this back under control, I am stronger than that. And I knew that I was not completely alone.

So I rejoined the party and tried to be a good host. I know that most of them saw through the act that I was alright, but I was not ready to break down yet. I need to take things in small steps. So I told those that asked that I was fine and made excuses. Not really completely false excuses, but not the whole story. At the time, I don’t think I could have made it make sense anyways. I know it still doesn’t make complete sense to me why I let it hit me that hard. All I wanted for the rest of the evening was to forget it and try to enjoy the rest of the party.

My goal for the end of the party had changed though. I no longer wanted just anyone to share my bed, and since those I felt close enough to already to have felt relief and comfort in their arms were not available to stay, I decided that I would just drown my feelings out for the night. I’m not quite sure what happened for most of the rest of the party, its just kind of a faint blur with a few faces and bits and pieces of conversation. Not even sure what I was talking about after that. I don’t remember anyone leaving after SJ, or even considering heading to my bed. But in the morning I awoke in my bed, all tucked in, and my head really hurt.