The Only Child

(This little tirade was actually my first attempt at comedy-writing. If you want to, imagine some idiot like me doing this on stage)

Women and babies are such a joke. Pregnant women think that they are important, and young mothers don't understand how having a child in tow might be a turn-off to an unmarried guy. But I'm not here to bash on women; that would be too easy. I'm here to show you how I am the only child you will ever need.

If the girl I am presently dating ever says that she wants to have a baby, then I will respond like this: A kid? A baby! What about me?

I'll roll around on the floor and cry. I'll shit on myself, and break all of the fragile things within my reach. I'll demand to be held, and insist on your attention constantly. And I need lots of breast-feeding, or you can at least rub your nipples in my mouth for an hour a day.

I will command more from you than any other part of your life does. I will be the last thing you touch at night, the first thing you hold in the morning, and I'll probably cry you awake once or twice during your overnight nap--just to make sure I'm not alone.

I can do all of this for you--right now! We don't need for you to "cook" one in your gut, and we don't have to go adopt one from the humane society either. Starting soon, like in a minute, I will become the most pathetic, needy, wimpy, orally-fixated, and LOUD baby that your dumb female ass has ever seen, okay?

What was it that prompted you to want a child? Have I not been demanding enough of you; did you feel a massive presence of "free time" in your current situation? Obviously, I have been too easy to deal with, so we'll fix that right now...

You can start by getting right in front of me; hell, sit on my lap and start grooming me. Fix my hair, wipe my face, check my clothes for spots there, "MOM"--because this is what moms do. And as soon as I am presentable, I am definitely going to need some nipples in my mouth. Well, I'm waiting; in 5 seconds I start crying.