Thank you for joining me on this journey. It's never been easy, and I don't ever expect it to be. There may be times when you don't agree with me, and that's OK. Never be afraid to share your feelings with me, that's what I'm here for and what has kept me going. I'm not a licensed professional, but I have more than 20 years experience with mental illness.
You can find our podcast, Voices for Change 2.0 at
www.blogtalkradio.com/leftofstr8

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Sometimes
I feel like I’m perpetually trying to catch up with my life. As if all of the
good days need to be spent trying to make up for all of the bad days. I don’t
think it’s even possible. I’ve let my depression steal many things from
me. I’ve missed parties, funerals,
weddings…and life. Then I have to stop and ask myself, could it have been avoided? The answer to that truly is no.

Am
I entitled to feel guilt or even remorse for all that I’ve lost? Do I owe
everyone I know an apology for all that I’ve taken from them? I didn’t ask for
this. I didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this, yet I carry all of the burden of the guilt and the loss. I
know I have isolated myself and at times pushed people away. So, do I really
have to wonder why people don’t call to check up on me? Why so many of my relationships
have ended in a dramatically painful fashion?

How
I wish I could get a couple of years back. With the knowledge that I possess
currently, of course. Perhaps spend a little extra time with my lost loved
ones. Relive
the first few years of my marriage and just be happy. Happy for me, happy for
my family and for my husband. I hate this overwhelming feeling of regret. Even
now the bad days cast a shadow over the good
because I know that a downward spiral could happen at any moment.

I
suppose I’m just feeling sorry for myself.
I can’t change the past. I know that. Can I change the future? It’s all
too much. So overwhelming. I can’t alter
people’s perception of me. Whether they’re in my life or not, I can’t be
something I’m not. But,
I can live in the now. This feeling like I’m shackled to my past; as if I need
to carry it inside and be constantly reminded of all of the pain. I need to
work on leaving it behind me.

I’m
making real and positive changes to my life, and for that I’m grateful.Is it enough? Will it keep history from
repeating itself? I truly want and need to believe that is the case. I will
always be terrified of getting older.I’m
frightened of losing more people that I love and even more so of dying myself.
So, I’ve got to take a deep breath and come to terms with my situation.

This
is the only life I have and it’s time to face facts. There are still going to
be bad days. I can’t escape that. I need
to stop letting this disease lie to me. I don’t need to make up for my
mistakes; I just need to learn from them. I’ve got to look inside and find a
reason to feel positive about where I’m headed.
Otherwise, in 10 or 20 years I’ll
be looking back at the 43-year-old me
wondering why I didn’t work harder to make the future better.

I
have to believe in myself and know that now I’ve been to the very bottom, I can
only go up. That has to be some kind of incentive. That little voice inside of
my head needs to take a step back. My raison d'etre is all around me. This is not the final act. I’m just getting
started. Everything will be better now that I’m aware of my surroundings. Perhaps
I don’t know exactly which direction I’m headed, but that’s OK. I only need to
keep moving…in any direction except behind me.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

As
long as I can remember, I’ve been dealing with social anxiety. When it first started, I didn’t realize that
what I was feeling fell into any particular category. I’m glad to know now, but I’m wondering if it’s
somehow made me even more susceptible.

I’ve
always had poor self-esteem. It comes
from being overweight as a child. It’s
even worse now as I’ve gotten older and added more weight. There’s a constant running dialogue in my
head when I’m in public. If someone
looks at me, my brain automatically says, that’s
right stare at the fat girl. I’m
perpetually consumed by what people think, and what they might say when I’m not
looking.

Ironically,
it’s even harder when I’m with people that I know. I’m always wondering if they noticed that I
gained weight, can they see that pimple
on my face, are my clothes OK? Then I
will start comparing myself to them. Look at how good she looks in those jeans; I
wish I could look like that. I know it
sounds absolutely absurd, but it’s extremely hard to overcome.

The Social Anxiety Institute characterizes social
anxiety by this definition:

Social anxiety is the fear of interaction with other people that brings on
self-consciousness, feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated, and, as
a result, leads to avoidance.

It is the fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people,
leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, embarrassment, humiliation,
and depression.

If a person usually becomes (irrationally) anxious in social situations but seems better when they are
alone, then "social anxiety" may be the problem.

So, it seems to me I have a textbook case. What the definition doesn’t mention is the
physical response. The knots in your
stomach, sweating, breathing heavy, crying and shaking. All of which occur for virtually every
outbreak of anxiety. I’ve never really
sought out any specific treatment to help me control these symptoms. Maybe it’s time that I do. I often miss out on important events because
the anxiety is so overwhelming. Without
a medication like Xanax, I’m totally lost.
Just getting in the car sometimes terrifies me, and all of this ties
nicely into my Agoraphobia.

Medicinenet.com describes Agoraphobia with the following definition:

An
abnormal and persistent fear of public places or open areas, especially those
from which escape could be difficult or in which help might not be immediately
accessible. Persons with agoraphobia
frequently also have panic disorder. People with mild agoraphobia often live
normal lives by avoiding anxiety-provoking
situations. In the most severe agoraphobia, the victims may be incapacitated
and homebound. Agoraphobia tends to start in the mid to late 20s, and the onset
may appear to be triggered by a traumatic event.

These
conditions are very similar to one another, but even so having both of them is
a nightmare. I’m making a confession. I haven’t actually driven anywhere in over a
year. Joe does currently have to take my car to work, but even if he
was home, I wouldn’t just hop in the car and go somewhere. Between the Agoraphobia and just general
anxiety, I’m afraid to drive. There have
been times when I’m driving down the road, or making a turn and I can’t get the
image of another car hitting me out of my head.
It’s scary stuff. So, like a lot
of people, I turn to avoidance. Which is
the absolutely wrong response.

So,
now what? Being aware of my issues hasn’t
ever been my problem. It’s following up
on some type of treatment that’s the real puzzle. I do have good news in that area,
however. I finally
went to see a new psychiatrist.

If
you’re unaware, for roughly 3 years (since my suicide attempt) I have only been
seeing my primary care doctor for medication management. However, he has run into some roadblocks with
the insurance, so we started looking. I
found someone, and I really like her.
She’s the first mental health care provider that I have been to in about
10 years that genuinely seems like she’s listening, and she actually
cares. I’m grateful for that.

I
started 2 new medications. One for
depression and one for restless leg syndrome. She also increased my
anti-anxiety medication, which is a huge blessing. So far so good, with the
exception of being drowsy during the day. It’s a side effect that I assume will
gradually wear off. If that’s all I have
to worry about, I would say I’m ahead of the game. Once again, it was suggested that I try
therapy. Perhaps I will. If nothing else, I will meet the therapist
that she works with and see if I’m comfortable.
If not, I won’t continue. So, I
feel like I’m off to a good start. What
about you? Do these definitions seem familiar
to you? Were you even aware that there
was a name for what you were feeling?

I’m
working on it, and I think I will get there.
I’ve said it so many times before, but I’m so grateful to have the
support of my husband. Without him,
there would be no me. For now, I’m going
to keep moving ahead and being grateful for the good days. I will focus on my
healthy eating and healthy lifestyle. We
bought a heavy (punching) bag that we put up in the
basement so I can let out some of anger and frustration
while hopefully helping me get in shape.
I’ve very excited, and I know it will help with my anxiety level.

About Me

I have been happily married to the man of my dreams for 15 years. We have 5 cats that we adore, and a little house that we are renovating. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at 19. It has been a constant struggle in my life, and has caused a great deal of turmoil.

Despite my illness, my husband has stayed by my side and I have learned to grow from my challenges. I am now a published author and my book is available on Amazon!