First, I want you to know, my intentions were good. Like many who came before me, once upon a time I was an awesome parent. Perfect even.

Before I had kids. And that small yet glorious window where my visit with them was supervised by licensed professionals. The 48 hours after childbirth rule–I would so kick ass at mothering if I had a whole staff. Dugh. Rich people can suck it. (I’m looking at you Kardashians!)

We’re one week into summer vacation. The first morning, the little (what’s the word I’m looking for?) shitz beat me downstairs. Forgive me for not leaping out of bed, but in my advanced age you and I both know that could cause dizziness.

I know, I know. I shouldn’t have stayed up late watching Andy Cohen. (Is Andy Cohen gonna come watch my boys when they rise with the roosters? Um, no. Mazel that Andy–thanks for nuthin’! You too, Mama Manzo!) Whatever. Five minutes. To shake off the cobwebs. And not fall on my bed head. That’s all I wanted!

I came down, intending to make my children a delicious and nutritious hearty breakfast (Cheerios), and there was spilled milk all over the counter and the floor, 4 year old was sitting at the counter wolfing a huge bag of Cool Ranch Doritos that he somehow managed to split in two down the middle. (By the way, I do not know who brought that processed crap pms snack into our house! Naturally we only eat organic, whole grain, flax seed encrustedfortifiedenhancedbedazzled with vitamins and minerals and healthyfullness snacks here!) Six year old sat nearby in a mound of brownie crumbs, while 8 year old wagged his finger, “I had NOTHING to do with this!”

Fast forward an hour later to the dental check ups. I try to look Danica Patrick interested in the Car and Driver magazine after four year old locks himself in the bathroom, conveniently adjacent to the waiting room, and hollers, “Mom! I have to POOOOOOH!” Of course you do. Because Cool Ranch Doritos are the breakfast of champions. Do I know you? I’m just here to get my Car and Driver fix on.

While one reads quietly (thank you Je-sus!) the remaining waiting room occupant who belongs to moi opens and closes the Keurig coffee drawer 43 times, tries out the step lever trash can a half dozen times, asks if the girls’ hat hanging on the coat rack belongs to any number of girls we know, opens an end table and surmises that’s the secret lost and found, moves a chair back and forth, tests out the antibacterial soap three times, asks for a toothbrush, tries to break into the bathroom to converse with Sir Poops A Lot, closes the door to the waiting room, rifles through the toys as a very last resort, but then inexplicably acts angelic during the exam.

While the one who read quietly fidgets and freaks when he gets his fluoride treatment.

Huh? But I miss most of that because after Sir Poops A Lot finishes his biz, and it’s obvious the 12 year old in the waiting room isn’t going to claim him (his parents should really teach him to make eye contact with his elders—rude!) , he waddles to the door and whips it open—pants on the ground! pants on the ground! —and hollers, “DONE POOOPING!” aka come wipe my arse, woman.

So was I wrong to ask the receptionist and hygienist when we left if it was happy hour yet? (It was 11 AM. So sadly, no. I mean, they didn’t expressly say NO, because they aren’t my legal guardians, but I’m fairly certain they might have 911 on speed dial in case of dental emergencies and what not so I gave the hearty yet polite laugh to signal I was mostly kidding.)

I have been dutifully saving for my kids’ college education. Their 529′s are bursting with enough money for used books and dollar drafts. But I have to wonder if I should be setting a little sumpin’ sumpin’ aside for their therapy?

I mean, was I wrong to happily inform my kids there was 61 days left of summer break….and counting?

Was I wrong when I barked at them yesterday in the 97 degree 3 h’s (heat, humidity, haze) after busting around my backyard like a sweathog setting up our klassy blow up water slide, patching holes, hammering stakes, and putting together lawn games for a playdate when I asked them to simply turn the hose on and they answered, one after the other, um, I don’t really wanna.

WHAT!

I’m on an online moms group and I happen to know other kids their age make their beds, sweep the floor, set the table, and run Fortune 500 companies.

The extent of my kids’ chores that they fulfill without argument is running down to the basement to get me a beer out of the fridge. I even pour it into my own mug! Shouldn’t THEY be doing that? Oh, I told those moms that, too.

They thought I was kidding.

Those kids know I like the slim can and they better not come back with the Silver Bullets—I don’t even care if the mountains are blue or not. No thanks. A girl has her preferences, am I right?

UGH OH.

I had dreams. I had visions. My parents raised me with manners. They did! So I planned a treat today on a rainy day–we met daddy for lunch. YAAAAY. So as I sat at the finest kids eat free restaurant with my handsome brood assembled, napkin on my lap, elbows off the table, mouth closed as I chomped complimentary popcorn, we colored with the unwashable crayons (that damn well better not have been smuggled into my home!). We played tic tac toe, and I let 6 year old win one game to bolster his confidence but beat him in the second match because dude, no one likes a 6 year old bragger. All of a sudden, spontaneously, 6 year old spun the hanging light that teetered over our table while the mini Jonas brothers burst into song.

“I’m naked and I know it!”

What.

The.

Hell.

Thankfully, they weren’t naked. Bonus! And we were in the corner. (They know us! And remember us! Isn’t great customer service the best?!)

Should I have interjected and said, “Actually, the song goes, ‘I’m sexaaay and I know it.’”

I didn’t. Because I’m really working on being positive. Positive reinforcement! Because someone told me when you make one negative remark toward a kid, you need to make eleventycajillion positive ones to make up for it.

So I just smiled and clapped. “Great singing boys, great singing! I love you MORE than these french fries which, undoubtedly, were fried in unsaturated oil for your good health and mine!”

8

Sorry, I’m getting shouty. The thing is, I love pretty, shiny things just as much as I love me a bargain and I have some fun shizzy to share! I don’t know about you, but feeding and clothing these ever growing frat boys has seemed super expensive lately, not to mention paying for my domestic beer in a can and my penchant for pre-sliced party cheese. (How lazy are you–and by “you”, I mean, “ME!”, to buy the pre-sliced cheese though, really? When you can’t even exert the effort to slice up the Cracker Barrel, girl, it might be time to take stock in yo’ muffin top!) Ah hell. I’m just living the dream, people, living the dream!!!!

On that note, I know I’ve talked Pinterest with you all before in this space. I’m still crushing on it, all these many months later. I haven’t made many things I’ve pinned, mainly because I’m WAY! TOO! BUSY! lazy not cutting cheese (Heh. Oh God, I live in a frat house and they’re winning because I actually found that funny?!), but I have gotten so many ideas that I vow to implement ASAP…in 2013.

Now, I especially retreated to Pinterest in recent weeks because during the height of political debate ugliness on Facebook and other social media outlets, Pinterest was my happy place. Ahhh. A place where everything was shiny and sparkly and pretty! A place where Democrats, Republicans, Independents, and foreigners could hug it out over some modge podge, too good to true BEST EVER 3-step recipes, and craftacular madness. And then, I saw it….a coral necklace that beckoned to me! “Pin me, muffintopmommy! But don’t only pin me, click through to my original source!” I clicked on the link and found this beauty:

BEHOLD! HOW FANFRACKINGTASTIC IS THIS NECKLACE?!

I KNOW! Here’s the best part….it was only $15.00. And did I mention the necklace came with coordinating hangy earrings? (Let’s revisit lazy? My mom bob means my ears don’t show so I didn’t even put them on–those who have more???initiative might consider wearing them!) With reasonable shipping to boot, I was sold–can you say bargain? I bought it knowing it would complement black, brown, grey—all my momdrobe staples with aplomb!

The great part to me is that the necklaces are sold by another blogger, and she was donating 5% of each sale to help the relief effort for Hurricane Sandy. I don’t know about you, but I would so rather my cash go to a small business person who will invest in her community than some big box store. Which got me thinking. I don’t often do product reviews, but I wore this beautiful gem to a blogging event last weekend and it really made my black top go from drab to fab. How did I know? I’d worn it many times but boom–with the necklace I got a ton of compliments with many inquiries as to where I got it. Same thing happened when I wore it to a school event. For less than $15 my boring black mom “uniform” got a whole new look at a price I could afford and still keep the frat house in unlimited Cheerios.

I’d planned to buy more in some other colors and also buy some for holiday gifts—what can you get for $15 that is this pretty? (Besides a 30 pack on a sick NH holiday weekend beer sale?) So, I decided to shoot the blogger an email to let her know how much I loved the piece and to see if she’d be interested in me featuring it here. The result is great news for us all! Right in time for the holidays, Bridget of Bridget’s Boutique is willing to give all the muffintoppers free shipping when you spend $50 or more, and with every purchase you make, if you put in “MUFFIN” (hee hee hee) in the coupon code box, she will donate 5% of your sale to Sandy relief efforts.

So why even leave the couch on Black Friday? If you’re like me, you can enjoy shopping from the comforts of home with your snowman pj’s on and maybe an adult beverage or two…..ahhhh!!! Bonus: no one will trample you!

As a thank you, Bridget provided me with the necklace on the far left in a beautiful teal–another showstopper!

SEE THE ONE ON THE FAR LEFT--THAT'S THE ONE I GOT! AND NOTE THE OTHER FUN COLORS-THERE ARE MORE ON HER WEBSITE!

AAAANNNDDD….here’s a close up:

BLINGYBLINGYBLINGBLING!

What do you think, Muffintoppers? About time I hooked you up with some good intel, huh? Happy shopping!