Michael shares a lustful happy poly moment of seeing his spouse and his crush walking together

35:15 Thank you

Welcome GJ to the Poly Weekly Playmates!

36:00 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

The well-organized home life of a poly Springfield family – a thoughtful profile of an area quad family with kids. Stories like this, hundreds of them as the years go by, are steadily helping to get us to public awareness and acceptance. People like these sharing their lives make life a little easier for all of us.

1000th post on Poly in the News – Can you believe that in 2005, only Loving More and newspapers wouldn’t print neologism “polyamory”; that word didn’t enter dictionaries in 2006!

10:15 Topic: Poly for the holidays

How do you handle the family during the holidays when you’re poly? A few tips:

Be quietly out if you can. Lead by example. Model great behavior and tolerance.

Julia shares her story of falling for a gal and then a guy and choosing to be honest about what she wanted instead of dumping one for the other. And it turned out great!

22:00 Thanks

Thanks to Taylor and Igor for their donations and welcome Doug as the newest Poly Weekly Playmate!

23:00 Wrap Up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

It also requires recognizing that your emotions are primarily created within you rather than caused by someone else (except in cases of abuse)

Owning your own emotions is empowering and usually very much appreciated by your partners. Once you can name an emotion, you can do something about it.

However you feel is OK, including negative emotions such as pettiness, jealousy, envy, resentment and anger. Avoid “shoulds” and just accept how you feel.

Also, it’s important to let others own their own emotions. The proper response to a friend or partner owning an emotional response is, “Good for you for knowing that” and or “thank you.” Don’t argue, agree or pile on. At most, disagree by saying, “You are the expert on you. However, I haven’t seen in you that negative emotion you just described.”

17:15 Happy Poly Moment

We are blessed with two happy poly moments this week!

K wrote in to share her gratitude that, when her partner and that partner’s kids ended up moving into her and her husband’s home, that everyone was supportive, happy and shared very nicely.

Leelee shared a story of one metamour offering to go out of his way so she could see another lover. Very sweet!

21:00 Feedback

Steve offered feedback on episode 376 and gave us lots of food for thought!

How to address listener questions Minx’s philosophy on being a podcast host and her goals of helping listeners while providing useful content to others

Avoiding judgment LustyGuy chimes in and vehemently disagrees with Steve’s assessment, saying that we have no right to judge if someone else is “really” poly. Also he posits we should avoid making assumptions and judgments about the health of other people’s relationships, especially based on minimal information.

31:45 When to speak up Minx and LustyGuy address when you SHOULD say something about a good friend’s relationship—if you are a very good friend and really fear a friend is on an unhealthy path, you should absolutely express your concerns. ONCE. And then (barring extreme situations such as abuse), stand by them no matter where the path leads them.

34:45 Thanks!

Thanks to Steve, our newest Poly Weekly Playmate!

Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

L writes in for advice. What do you do when you trust that the couple really is poly and end up falling in love with the guy, only to have his wife veto you a bit later when she breaks up with her own boyfriend?

This sucks and is unfair and unkind.

Lying about the nature of your relationship isn’t healthy.

Expecting him to leave her isn’t terribly healthy, either.

Accept and grieve the loss. Value yourself and the experience.

Next time, vet the couple to be sure each person is stable, fully embraces polyamory and is personally secure.

22:35 Happy Poly Moment

B in Seattle shares a Happy Poly Moment. British comedies FTW!

Cate shares a beautiful story of a metamour leaving a footprint of food and love. Want to win a metamour of the year award? Be a Hot Dish Elf!

Angel writes in about his poly quad family with a variety of conditions: limited mobility issues, ADHD, acromegaly and how they support each other

32:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

LustyGuy cohosts! And for some reason, we start talking about anal dildos.

2:00 Topic: I’m new to poly and kink and trying to date a monogamous partner covertly

Jason writes in to ask advice. He’s new to both poly and kink. He’s in love with a new married partner who identifies as monogamous, sees him without her husband’s consent and claims to no longer love her husband.

Minx mentions NLE = New Lifestyle Energy. The pull and power of the first poly and/or kink relationship can be exhilarating and overwhelming… and can lead to some bad decisions.

19:00 Wrap up

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Ian asks: please explain the multi-partner dynamic as it exists in the kink world, and how it is different (or similar) to the poly. (There are many polys who are not kinky, many kinky who are not poly, and many many monogamous people who are kinky and have issues participating in the kink community.)

Emma asks: I’ve been asked to do scenes with people who are “sexually monogamous” with their partners. Lots of conversation about what activities count as sex ensues, but I’m still nervous to play with monogamous people. What if something is improvised in the moment and crosses that line? What if something feels sexual to me but not to them?

Herb asks: Have you actually seen or heard of a fetish that surprised you?

James asks: What if someone wants to try something scary (breath play) but is worried about past sexual abuse issues it could bring up?

More questions for Tristan? Ask them on her weekly live radio show, Sex Out Loud, Fridays at 5:00 PM Pacific on VoiceAmerica Talk Radio Network.

37:40 Happy Poly Moment

Cysteine shares a happy poly moment.

Thanks

Thanks to Carina and Jason for their donations!

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 802-505-POLY (our new number!). And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

Advice to couples on opening up their relationship from a HBB: what to do and what not to do. Full blog post here.

Instead of considering only protective measures, consider what you have to offer and how you can welcome a third and make him/her feel as loved as you are

Try this exercise: how would you feel if you were welcoming a child into your relationship? Approach a new lover with that same sense of joy, sharing and hope.

A few don’t’s: don’t allow veto power, ignore metamour communication, say there is no hierarchy if there is. Don’t have the point of the vee moderate communication.

27:15 Wrapup

Questions? Comments? Feedback? Email polyweekly@gmail.com or call the listener comment line at 206-202-POLY. And hey, why not attach an audio comment to that email? Check out PolyWeekly at Blubrry.com. Share this with a friend or write an iTunes review!

There’s no one right way to do polyamory, but there are plenty of wrong ways – Miss Poly Manners

At OpenSF last month, a session on Negotiating Non-Monogamy gave me some food for thought on the perils of taking those first few steps into non-monogamy. The truth is that most couples who approach polyamory do so with the best of intentions. And yet, they often so diligently focus on the health of their own relationship that they can fail to consider the needs and health of the person that they intended to bring lovingly into their relationship. The result? Drama and pain for everyone involved!

A novel approach: the HBB speaks

Most books, articles and sessions on negotiating non-monogamy are geared toward the couple who is opening up a relationship. That makes sense; while there are many single polys, it’s often a monogamous couple that is seeking advice on opening up a relationship for the first time. And these books, articles and sessions are inevitably written and developed from the point of view of the couple. But here’s a twist, the secret no one will tell you: if you want advice on how to successfully open up a relationship, ask the people who would be interested in joining it. (Or run away screaming from it.) That is, ask the people you intend to date how you as a couple can put your best foot forward.

So that’s the novel approach here: how to negotiate non-monogamy successfully, from the point of view of the HBB (Hot Boobiesexual Babe) that you hope to bring into it! If you want to know how to get a quality new lover that will get along with your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/spouse and present minimal drama, read on.

Newly non-monogamous do’s

OK! You’ve done the scary part and told your partner you want to be non-monogamous, and that partner didn’t leave the room screaming. Great first step! So… now what? What often follows is a series of long talks and negotiations that are all aimed at one thing: protecting the existing relationship. Now, protecting the existing relationship isn’t a bad thing per se, but if it’s your primary concern, you’ll find you won’t have a very positive first poly experience. Most couples begin with this mindset:

“How do we move forward without damaging our current relationship and without my getting hurt?”

This may seem to be a logical question, but in the dating world, fear of change is self-defeating. Of course your relationship will change; you’re adding another full human being to it! Not being open to changes, including those within yourself, is the #1 killer of first-time poly relationships. The first person you date outside your relationship is a human being with needs, quirks, desires, sarcasm, giggles and a whole wealth of emotions, just like you do. And adding another person to a family always changes the dynamic. Going into defensive/protection mode isn’t beneficial for you, your current partner, or your new partner.

Rather, try asking yourselves this:

What value do we have to offer to someone else?

How can we/I make a new partner feel loved, comfortable and included like I do?

How can we enrich this person’s experience with us and with poly?

Think of it this way: if you as a couple discovered you were pregnant, would you sit down to have a lot of talks about how you are going to protect yourself from the damage the new child will do to your current relationship dynamic? Would you plan how you’re going to keep the new child from threatening you and your lifestyle? Would you make a list of rules to prevent the child from crying when you’re having a dinner party and kick the child out if she does? Would you insist on having veto power and kicking the kid out if he doesn’t stick to his appointed nap time?

Well, you could, but it would be a bit cruel. If you’re that worried about maintaining your relationship exactly as it is, you’re probably not ready for a kid. And ditto with polyamory: if you’re more worried about protecting what you have than welcoming change, you’re not ready for a non-monogamous relationship.

Rather, when a couple contemplates a child, they tend to think less of the limits the child will place on their lives and the stresses it will place on their relationship and more about what they have to offer the child and how much joy they will take in watching the child develop and change them as partners and parents. They look forward to discovering a new dynamic with the child: will she bring the family together at her ball games? Will he need a ride to his dance recitals? How much fun will it be to chaperone her first sleepover? Who will support him when he’s down and needs a shoulder to cry on?

OK, to some extent, it’s a ridiculous analogy to compare a fully-grown adult to a child. But in another way, it’s not. A new romantic relationship can change your relationship just as much as a new child will, and making rules to limit an adult’s love and interactions can be just as cruel as making a list to limit a child’s. In fact, it can be even more so, since the adult is fully self-aware and often capable of clearly stating and negotiating needs and wants, unlike a child.

So sure, be realistic about the relationship change, and make sure you have date nights and some alone time. But it’s far more beneficial to begin opening up your relationship by anticipating the joys of the new relationship dynamic than by fearing the change it will bring. And when you approach polyamory in this manner, you’ll enjoy the added benefit of treating your new partner(s) with respect and love rather than as a disposable test case for your own foibles.

Newly non-monogamous don’ts

This list is far easier to make, since time and time again, new poly couples break hearts in their quest to keep their own relationship primary and protected. Advice from those who have fled unhealthy couples, don’t:

Allow veto power. Insist on communication rather than veto power. Veto power too often is a substitute for communication. It’s not wrong per se, but it’s quite often a cop-out and used to wield power instead of communication. Be mindful that you should only be expected to control your own actions, not those of your partner. Wielding veto power often shifts the balance of power in a relationship and causes far more tension and drama than those relationships that don’t offer this easy out. “Because I don’t like her” isn’t good enough; insist on thorough communication, and trust your partner to make choices that benefit everyone involved.

Say there’s no hierarchy if there is. One of the things I love about Tristan Taormino’s book Opening Up is this relationship structure she named, Partnered Non-Monogamy. This is the structure in which has as its base a couple, and the couple is primary with no other primaries allowed. The parties may have additional lovers, together or separately, but there is no desire or option for any relationship that would equal or rival that of the original couple. This relationship model is often desirable for the couple but can be less so for the partners entering the relationship, so it’s a good idea to be clear if this is the desired relationship structure. If this is your structure of choice, be sure not to mislead new partners by saying “we don’t believe in hierarchies” or “you’re not secondary.” Those phrases may be more politically correct, but they aren’t true in partnered non-monogamy. Respect your new partner by being honest with him/her. And for goodness’ sake, don’t make this rule for one partner but then change it for another! That doesn’t sit well with kids (ask anyone who was the oldest!), and it’s equally unkind to do to adults.

Ignore metamour communication. Roughly 50% of the emails I receive asking for advice are from a person in a couple asking how to deal with an issue that arose with a metamour. More often than not, what has happened is the relationship developed between partner A and the new lover, while partner B watched from afar and heard tidbits. Now, oh noes! There is an issue with the new lover and partner B, who have barely spoken before. What to do? Partner B doesn’t have to be best friends with the new lover, but it’s always a good idea to open up the lines of communication. Personally, I like to meet the new lover and then set up a coffee or lunch once a month just to chat. We rarely talk about relationship issues; the idea is to have a line of communication open so that if an issue arises, there is an already-established channel of communication and some trust in the trust bank. This makes dealing with relationship issues a breeze when they do arise. This is somewhat akin to a corporation setting up a blog and blogging on a weekly basis: communication, familiarity and credibility are established, so when a crisis arises (the CEO goes on a sexting binge with Newt Gingrich), there is a channel for communication already open to deal with the tough questions.

Have the point of the vee moderate. In cases in which partner B has an issue with the new lover of partner A, and metamour relations have been ignored, it often happens that partner A (the point of the vee) ends up moderating between partner B and the new lover. Anyone who has ever had someone else speak on his behalf in an emotionally charged situation will understand why this is a terrible practice. It puts the full burden of communication among all parties on one person (the point of the vee) while absolving the others of any responsibility to communicate clearly with each other. It’s a stressful situation for the point of the vee and disempowering for the other partners. In interpersonal relationships, every involved party should have a voice. Her own voice. It is simply bad communication practice to disallow a partner from participating in discussions that concern her. Even in hierarchical situations such as partnered non-monogamy, every partner deserves the respect of having a voice in the communications. No two people should ever make a decision in the absence of the third, no matter the hierarchy.

A case study

Here’s common example of this dynamic that the couple might not even realize is disrespectful: partner A is dating a new lover, and the desire has come up for an overnight. Partner A says, “I’ll check with partner B,” and partners A and B have a long, intimate conversation about the merits and drawbacks of an overnight visit. The new lover is excluded from all communication and waits patiently outside the relationship, much like a child waiting to see if he gets a raise in his allowance or not. In this case, partners A and B undoubtedly didn’t intend disrespect, but that brand of communication is setting up a power dynamic in which the new lover is essentially powerless to speak or negotiate on his own behalf. And it’s a shame, because that particular situation is an excellent opportunity to forge a new and powerful dynamic by having all three involved parties meet, express their needs, listen to concerns and create a mutually-beneficial solution. In fact, it’s difficult communications such as this that forge intimacy and trust and make for stronger relationships all around. Don’t waste this valuable opportunity!

Be prepared to meet parts of yourself you didn’t know about. You will find insecurities you didn’t know were there, and you’ll experience joy in ways you never knew you could.

Be patient with yourself and your partner(s). Remember your first attempts at monogamy weren’t perfect, either.

Worry less about rules and more about what you have to offer. As with monogamous dating, people with lots of rules and criteria rarely find what they seek, and those who are open-minded and easygoing find unexpected pleasures.

Own your shit – by this I mean baggage. If you’re not strong enough to say, “I was wrong,” “I need to bring something up” or “my last STI test came up positive,” you aren’t ready for poly. Being confident enough to own your own baggage and brave enough to start tough conversations is essential.

Start from a healthy place. Get your existing relationships healthy first. The ‘relationship broken; add more people’ model almost never works. You will have to trust your partner to tell you when you’re love-goggling, when he’s feeling jealous and when you aren’t pulling your weight.

Get a support network. Seek out local communities of real people who have real-life experience with polyamory and its ups and downs; having trusted contacts who’ve been there and can provide advice and a sympathetic ear is invaluable.