David Copperfield is trying way, way too hard

David Copperfield is currently under investigation for allegedly raping a woman at his private resort in the Bahamas. David has an elaborate system set-up with his employees to help him meet women. This system is so detailed that David Copperfield provides his workers with an instruction manual for locating “scorpions” which is a code used for women the magician is particularly interested in. TMZ reports:

The document describes how the assistants need to be heads-up for attractive women whom David can meet backstage after the performance. We’re told the plan is to keep boyfriends and husband in the arena, adding “from time to time, boyfriends and husbands will give us a hard time and refuse to stay. If that is the case, try your best to get them to stay and refer to the “What to Say” sheet for help.”

And it gets creepier.

According to the document, “On occasion David will have you pull in both scorpions even if he is only interested in one of them, just for comfort.”

Another part of the document sounds eerily similar to the circumstances surrounding the rape allegations against David Copperfield:

The assistants are told to sell the women before David arrives backstage. They’re supposed to say: “Do you know that David has recently bought some islands in the Bahamas? Well they are BEAUTIFUL and we are doing a lot of project (sic) for these islands: Ads, TV, Radio and many other promotions. So we like (sic) to keep in touch with you in case there is a job in the future we think you would be interested in.”

Maybe instead of all the cloak and dagger bullshit, David Copperfield should just end his show with a simple offer: “Hey, I’m freaking rich beyond belief and recently purchased my own set of islands in the Bahamas. If you’re a young woman no older than thirty and is into that sort of thing, we should totally do it backstage. Thanks for coming out tonight, folks. Have a wonderful evening.” See, it works on so many levels. It’s simple. It’s honest. And, I dunno, no one has to fly twelve hours home to take a rape kit. Sorry, David Copperfield, but that’s usually not a cool way to end a date. At least not the first one.