Your Blogging Staff

Contributing to this blog:
- "Dave" is Dave Barry, who is a humor columnist and presidential contender.
- "judi" is Judi Smith, who is Dave's Research Department, as well as being interested in men.
- "Walter" is Walter, a bone from the penis of a walrus.

July 24, 2010

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

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I don't like tattoos so this definitely would not be for me. I do believe tattoos are becoming more popular. I've seen several people that look like walking cartoons. The only time I like tattoos is if I'm in a long line and somebody with a lot of them is standing in front of me. It gives me something to read.

Many years ago, my then fiance's Uncle Bob came to town on his bucket list tour. He was the guy who said what he wanted to say, did what he wanted to do and to heck with 'em if they didn't like it.

He was old school fundamentalist -- hence the heck instead of stronger language. He was also driving around the country in a big motor home, seeing as many of the things he had always heard of but had never seen. He had cancer. Cancer was pretty much going to win and win soon. He came by so his wife could go to the shower that was for us.

"When I had the high radiation treatment," he started to say, "the technicians had to use tattoos to make sure they didn't hit the same tissue twice."

It's tough to carry conversation with a lead line like that, so there was a moment or two of silence as his other nephew Steve (about as conservative as Uncle Bob) and my future father-in-law processed the announcement.

My wife's cousin and the spouse of the host -- also very conservative -- was just pulling up in her car when I said, "OK, Uncle Bob. That explains why you have a naked woman on your chest."

Our laughter met my wife's cousin at the door. "What are you guys up to?" she asked. I learned an important lesson for a happy marriage when Steve answered "Nothing" in that tone that his wife knew was an obfuscation that she allowed to pass.

I helped Uncle Bob cross something off his bucket list that day. The family needs more smart alecs. Plus, whenever I see Steve I can always get whatever he's drinking to come out his nose by asking if he followed up on getting a tattoo.

The only tattoo I ever got was when the gunpowder embedded in my left palm when I blew my hair off. It made an interesting photo-negative star field for years before it faded.
But that's another story.

I was standing in line at one of the kid's school functions and noticed the woman in front of me in the spaghetti strap dress had something written on her shoulder. Closer inspection revealed the names of several states. Came to find out those were the names of her kids. The only two I remember are Dakota and Montana.