June 5, 2013

The careers of actors Will and Jaden Smith were found dead today after an apparent double murder following the premiere of the film After Earth.

“This is nothing less than a tragedy. With the exception of Wild Wild West, Will Smith’s career has been phenomenal for over 20 years. And Jaden… his career was so young, who knows what it would’ve accomplished,” says the publicist for the Smith family.

Police have named director M. Knight Shymalan as a person of interest in their ongoing investigation. “We aren’t quite ready to name him a suspect. But this is the same guy who brutally murdered The Last Airbender, so right now we’re feeling pretty optimistic about getting the case solved quickly,” a spokesperson for the Los Angeles Police Department told MPR’s (Most) Things Considered on Monday.

M. Knight Shymalan denied any involvement earlier Monday in a brief interview with MPR’s Nonso Christian Ugbode. “I’m just going to come out and say it. I am a murderer,” the filmmaker said before cutting off Ugbode’s follow up. “A murderer of lies. See, you didn’t wait for the twist. That’s why I’m telling the truth today, which is that I had nothing to do with the murders. Will Smith’s career was dead when he made Hitch, and Jayden’s career was just a parasite that had attached itself to Will’s.”

Shyamalan was acquitted for both the murders of The Last Airbender as well as the movie with Marky Mark and the trees, but only on technicalities. Many have said that without expensive lawyers from The Cochran Firm, Shyamalan would likely have been convicted easily and gone to prison.

“Oh, I fully intend to go to prison,” Shyamalan said, again cutting off Ugbode’s immediate follow up. “Wait for it… twist! The prison that is being such a talented writer, director, and actor. It is like prison for me to be the only one able to comprehend the brilliance of my craft. I am saddened by what happened today, but had no part in it.”

A private memorial service was held earlier today for Will and Jayden’s careers. The service was attended by family and friends, including Alfonso Ribeiro, Tatyana Ali, and the second Aunt Viv. Smith’s long time rap partner D.J. Jazzy Jeff also was in attendance, but was promptly ejected by James Avery.