With Coming Out Day 2018 having just come and gone, one high school student used the occasion to do something bold.

Alexander Duarte, of Valley High School in Santa Ana, California, had long since come out of the closet to his classmates, including his best friend Erick Pineda. And with Homecoming coinciding with National Coming Out Day, Duarte chose to ask Pineda, captain of the Valley High football team, to go as his date to the Homecoming Dance.

As strains of Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years” played in the background, Duarte staged a full-on production to ask Pineda to the dance. During their lunch hour, Duarte arranged to have Pineda walk down a long corridor full of their fellow students toward a homemade rainbow banner, which read “I know I’m GAY, but can I take you STRAIGHT 2 HOMECOMING?” Duarte then emerged from behind another banner of a painted closet to ask the big question.

“It all started as a joke,” Duarte told Instinct. “One day he said to me, ‘Yo, take me to homecoming!’ so I knew that if I did it I would have to set the bar and be extra…It all started as a joke. One day he said to me, ‘Yo, take me to homecoming!’ so I knew that if I did it I would have to set the bar and be extra.”

Duarte planned the proposal for two weeks, which included construction of the banners and priming Pineda for the question. Fortunately, the effort paid off; Pineda said yes.

“I was definitely excited to be asked to homecoming because I knew how important this was for my friend,” Pineda explained to Instinct. “Seeing the support from the staff and students was amazing. I’m very grateful to be the captain of the football team. The team is very supportive and multiple teammates have approached me to congratulate me and have given me RESPECT for my actions.”

Translation: The gay kid cannot get a real date to the prom and is reduced to asking for a fake date with a straight boy. The straight boy nobly accepts, making him the hero of the story, sort of like the brother who takes his homely sister to the prom. All well and good, but this is not a feel good” story by any means.

There was a similar story from Nevada in 2014. In that case, the straight boy was the one to ask his gay friend to the prom, which at least spared the gay kid the humiliation of actively seeking out a fake date. That Nevada story too was served up to us as a feel-good piece. In fact, the only reason that the straight boy asked his gay friend out is b/c the gay friend had been posting about how sad he was that he had no one to date.

Why couldn’t this boy and the Nevada boy get real dates? Is it because they were the only ones out in their respective schools? Is it because there is no gay youth group in their area where they could meet a potential prom date from another school? Or is it because both of these boys are effeminate and thus are undesirable to the vast majority of gay and bi boys? I don’t know, but real journalism would dig deeper into the source of the isolation, which is the real story here.

I agree. One has to wonder why a gay guy needs to ask a straight guy to be his date. If he can’t find any gay dates to go with him, maybe he shouldn’t be going at all. The worship of straights is so second class and there is nothing we should be proud of here.

@KevInSD, maybe there is no gay youth group at the school or in the community. Maybe he is the only out gay boy in his class, grade, or school. Maybe he knows other gay kids who aren’t out and are afraid of going to the prom. While things are much better in some places for LGBTQ youth, many still face ostracization, bullying, and abusive behavior, or just may be relatively isolated. LGBTQ teens can feel that even in big cities and suburbs, you know. The fact that his straight best friend accepted, and that many other kids at the school, whatever their gender, appear supportive, is a very positive thing. Your focus on his effeminacy is disturbing and reflects more about your gender anxiety than on either of these two teenagers.

To @HereIAm, to say that if someone can’t find a date they shouldn’t go to the prom seems to be rather cruel. Are you gay or bi? Were you out when you were younger? Don’t you have any empathy for this young man?

I know you have an issue with “fem dudes”. But there are actually plenty of gay/homo/bi/pan/queer/fluid/etc. identifying dudes who prefer more effeminate guys. And there are plenty of effeminate/semi-fem guys that partner up together, especially in their youth.

I will say that this is story is more corny and sad to me than anything else. It kinda makes the gay kid look rather lonely, mildly pathetic and desperate to be in the space of a decent looking straight-identifying guy. He also put that guy in an awkward position by putting on that show in front of all those students and making that over the top banner. Isolation and the difficulty of finding guys who are openly and unabashedly into dudes to date you in your high school years is probably more of the story here.

@Donston: Actually, there are not “lots” of gay/bi guys willing to go with an effeminate guy. There are actually very few. Every social science study of this question has shown that effeminacy is overwhelmingly disfavored as a partner trait among gay and bisexual males. That isn’t to say that there are none out there, but it is certainly false that there are “lots.” And if you are 16 and in high school, the universe of available gay dates is small to begin with, so if only a small fraction of that already-small number is willing to go with a fem, that number approaches or reaches zero.

Degree of effeminacy might be a factor too. The Nevada kid was afflicted with a only mild case of effeminacy. It might be seen as tolerable by more g/b boys. The kid in this story suffers from a severe form of the disease. I would bet money it played a role in his dateless status.

Also, there hasn’t been any “studies” on anything. You’re going based off your own social group and maybe some gay clubs. You and who you know know don’t represent everyone. My husband is semi fem. Most of the gay couples I know are in masc/fem dynamics with only a few I’ve met throughout the years in masc/masc dynamics. Having conventional good looks is usually far more important in the dating world than where you fit on the masculine scale. Everyone is different, and everyone is into different sh*t. Get over it.

KevinSD. You are ‘effing cray-cray x 10 to the power of 10. Your “fixation” on effeminacy is so ’90s. It must be tough living in that closet under the stairs of grandma’s basement apartment, so I “feel” your pain. Here’s a hint: Go out into that brave new world and embrace your feminine side. You may find a side of you that actually loves you just the way you are. I picture you wearing farmer boy coveralls with a bright pink tutu. Kind of Boy George meets Farmer Gray.

@Donston – Actually, there have been numerous studies on this very subject and gay/bi men’s preferences have been assayed in various ways, from direct surveys to examination of reactions to digital stimuli to an analysis of dating app and dating ads. Some of these studies have been covered here on Queerty. No matter what methodology is used, the result is always the same: Effeminacy is overwhelmingly disfavored as a partner trait.

If I am “cray cray,” then so are the vast majority of gay and bi men. This boy is extremely effeminate. His Insta shows him wearing makeup, sporting “frosted” hair, and even prancing around in drag. That impacts his dating prospects. It’s not rocket science. If I were his classmate, I wouldn’t go near him, even if he were the only other gay boy in school.

The reason that any of this is relevant to us is because we, as gay adults, should be interested in what is going on with these isolated gay boys in these prom stories, as they presumably represent a larger group of gay youth. If the issue is a a lack of resources, we can and should do something about that. But if the isolation is simply the product of a a natural reaction by normal gay and bi boys against effeminacy, then there is nothing that should be done.

Two of the best men I’ve ever had sex with were both effeminate and like to wear makeup and occasionally dress in drag. Granted, one of them had an 11″ dick, but the other one was so hot I finished before he did. Effeminacy does not mean they aren’t men and aren’t tops. I would have no problem doing the makeup on my husband if he made me feel like that. But you are probably right that many gay men don’t feel this way. Hypermasculinity is a poison that runs through gay and straight culture.

For me, the real story is the hot, hunky, and very handsome football captain could have gone to the prom with any of the girls but chose to be a friend first and support his gay friend. The visual is heartwarming and does show that support for the gay community too. I wish more straight guys were that supportive and willing to do it openly. But, I can’t help but wonder just how straight the “straight guy” is. Could be some underlying feelings there he is exploring. Who knows and who cares. For me, it is a “feel good” story. I teared up too remembering the old days when something like this, or even two gay guys going to a prom together was ‘verboten.’ May things continue to change for the better.

It’s a cute story in some ways. But I think some are getting bored with being told that being embraced by “straight society” is the most important of things. I also think many are tired of the persistent straight/hetero/hetero-leaning lusting and worship that many guys exhibit. It’s as well a bit of an awkward story when you dissect all the details. But I can see why some see it as heartwarming. And I probably would have been moved if I was there. And thankfully it went smoothly.

Yea I don’t really get why people like to over analyze everything. Not everything has a hidden agenda.

@Donston If you just read the story you will see that the STRAIGHT friend is the one who first asked his gay friend to take him to homecoming. I agree that I’m way over the straight guy fixation that a lot of gay guys seem to have, but nothing in this story points to any such thing being a factor here. I also don’t see how it’s awkward either. His friend, who asked to be asked to homecoming, knew he was going to ask him, just not how. It’s just a cool little story that doesn’t happen often, or at least isn’t seen or heard of often. Kudos to them for doing it and making it into something pretty positive and cool.

Last year, an out gay football player from Missouri asked his boyfriend to the prom. Queerty covered it, and it was a beautiful story. The focus was on the football player, in part because it’s still uncommon for football players to be out, even in high school, he was mixed-race, and he had the support not only of his teammates, but of the entire school. Even the local community supported him when the crazy Phelps family brought their hateful, homophobic protesters to his school. Any story that shows a larger community being supportive of LGBTQ people, especially young people, is a positive thing, and this story, rather than being about manipulation, reinforced that many people are accepting, supportive and welcoming than we may think. It bodes well for the future. Our future.

All the straight guy said was ‘Yo, take me to homecoming!’ AS A JOKE. The next thing you know, he has little choice but to take a gay guy to the prom.

“many people are accepting, supportive and welcoming” – Isn’t that old news? We need to accept it ourselves and get over it. Leave the poor straight guy alone! He doesn’t deserve to be used to bolster the collective gay self-esteem. Maybe he would rather take a girl – unfortunately, he had little choice, and we will never know.

“It’s very important for me to be going to Homecoming with Alexander because I’m setting an example for not only my school, but also my community. I was definitely excited to be asked to homecoming because I knew how important this was for my friend and seeing the support from the staff and students was amazing. I’m very grateful to be the captain of the football team. The team is very supportive and multiple teammates have approached me to congratulate me and have given me “RESPECT” for my actions.” (Erick Pineda, extract from Instinct magazine, interview by David Lopez, October 2018)

So, there is no victim in this story, just two adults making choices to set an example and improve the way people live in community.

The fact we have to accept there are haters in the world is something else. This very story is about love, respect, acceptance and raising behavioral standards.

Such stories have a positive impact on EVERYONE, whatever their personal characteristics, as they bring people together. They are beneficial for the society in general, as they have in-built universal elements and they contribute to open — step by step — people’s minds and how they see each others.

He has become part of the situation now – he has little choice but to see it through. Of course if a gay magazine asks him for an interview he is going to say what people want to hear.

To the replies about this story having a positive impact, my comments are not about the impact of the story – they are about the straight guy having little choice. Does the end justify the means? It seems a bit selfish of you guys making everything about gay people.

Maybe he indeed wanted to take a gay guy to the prom as a political statement – it’s possible – but we will never know because he was actually coerced into it. Stop thinking about gay people for one second and just consider what it would be like to be him if he actually doesn’t want to do any of this!

It is not making everything about gay people. Everyone can be touched by this story, including straight people…and including Erick! It goes even far beyond sexual orientation, as I developed it earlier.

Also, you speculate about him being coerced, despite his statements, including what he told his friend in private during the encounter (he said that he loved him and that he will always be there for him, according to Alexander). You equate not expecting being really asked with being coerced. You may be right, but you have no proof. Unless he says the opposite, there is no reason to consider he is not sincere and whatever the truth, he seemed to embrace the situation completely. You actually do not know what happened between them prior to this event that led to this situation. You just read it started as a joke and you concluded he was coerced in his decision, but it is the principle of asking someone publicly: the person has to answer quickly and there is always a risk they answer: “no”. It is a long tradition.

As others have emphasized it is a cute personal story, but most importantly it was likely meant to send a positive message to the general community: straight identifying men can be close emotionally and physically to openly gay identifying men, without feeling threatened in their masculinity. “Just see through differences and love someone for who they are” seems to be the efficient underlying message. “We connected to each other beyond social constructs” or: “I love you my friend and I prove it to you”, are other ways to putting it. Simple messages, but symbolically charged.

Talking about effeminacy or hetero-worshiping is, in my opinion, distorting and lowering what was meant to be. In particular, we all know how our societies are formatted in a way to polarize gender roles and sexual orientation among other things, but we have to start from “where we are” individually and collectively to improve interpersonal communications; and showing such a friendly, loving, relationship is a way among others to transcend softly societal biases.

I would love to read stories like that every day! We collectively need to see beautiful uplifting people like them and their friends much more often. Thank you to all of them.

That is so lovely to see.
My best mate ever knew I was gay and never let it be a barrier to our friendship.
I was his best man when he got married, that was my most beautiful moment of our friendshi.
It’s great to see this happening more and more.