Emotional Barriers to Orgasm

Do you remember this line from the movie Office Space? “I think I might take that girl from logistics, if everything goes well, I might be showin’ her my O face, Oh Oh Oh, yeah, you know what I’m talkin’ about, Oh!“. You guessed it. You’re “O” face is the slang term referring to what your face looks like right before and during your orgasm.

While the term focuses on facial expression, orgasms are a whole body experience. In addition to a face that reveals total ecstasy, your body may become rigid as muscles tighten, your back may arch, your fists may clench and you might even curl your toes.

Believe it or not, lack of orgasm is a common experience. If you have never been able to have an orgasm, either solo or partnered, you may experience a physiological problem that requires medical treatment. If you easily achieve orgasm by yourself but not with your partner, many factors may exist. One of factors reported by some of my clients is, “I don’t want him/her to see me like that!”

What these clients really mean is, “I don’t want him/her to see me lose control of myself”.

In the Guide to Getting It On, Paul Joannides writes, “Some people worry about how they behave when having orgasms. Some are self-conscious because they will lose control…Some people fear that they will look weird if they allow themselves to be overwhelmed by an orgasm. They fear their partner will laugh or find them ugly“.

The vulnerability factor is high. Sharing the peak of your sexual arousal with another may feel risky. Playing it safe denies your partner the most revealing part of your sexual being. It denies you the opportunity to expand into your fullest sexual self.

When you allow yourself to fully surrender with your partner, you communicate:

“I accept my sexuality and feed my sexual longings”

“I can fully let go with you and know that I am safe”

“I allow you to see me at my most vulnerable and trust that you will not leave me”

“I am not afraid to let go of control and allow you to see this in me”

To experience a full orgasm, you must completely surrender to the experience. You must totally submit to the sensations. Surrender is a word that many do not like. Often compared to weakness, surrender can feel terrifying. Yet your ability to surrender demonstrates a high level of trust, in your self and in your lover.

You are each responsible for your own orgasm. You cannot “give” your partner an orgasm. You do not control that. That truth may stab at your ego or feel like a huge relief. Through sensory stimulation, you both create the fertile ground for orgasms to come alive. The choice to let go rests within each of you.