"Those Oompa-Loompas stained the mattress covers AND the mattresses... no, it didn't come from their skin, either! Can you understand how angry this makes me? It might be my own fault for not bringing any female Oompa-Loompas from Loompaland, but you have no idea how much THEY stain mattresses! So after deducting the expenses for the stained mattresses and covers, there is nothing left, nothing! You get Nothing! Good DAY Sir!"

So gross. First of all, when did skin pigmentation level become a fashion choice? I'm pale as a Twilight extra and perfectly okay with that. (Not okay with Twilight, tho.) Second....I just find the idea of a stained used mattress in a student apartment really gross. Back when I was a young tot and lived in a dorm, I bought this super-thick mattress cover that completely zipped around the mattress. And I also put one of those foam toppers underneath the mattress pad....not as much for comfort as for an extra layer of germ blockage. Oh, and that mattress got a hefty spray of Lysol before I even touched it to begin this wrapping operation. I'm not normally a germophobe, but something about a pre-owned mattress just makes me want to hurl. Think of all the genetic material lurking in that giant sponge of nastiness. I'm not sure if that "OMG your mattress doubles in weight from nastiness every 8 years" is just Sleep Experts marketing BS, but whatever, it worked on me.

Snooki Punch:So gross. First of all, when did skin pigmentation level become a fashion choice? I'm pale as a Twilight extra and perfectly okay with that. (Not okay with Twilight, tho.) Second....I just find the idea of a stained used mattress in a student apartment really gross. Back when I was a young tot and lived in a dorm, I bought this super-thick mattress cover that completely zipped around the mattress. And I also put one of those foam toppers underneath the mattress pad....not as much for comfort as for an extra layer of germ blockage. Oh, and that mattress got a hefty spray of Lysol before I even touched it to begin this wrapping operation. I'm not normally a germophobe, but something about a pre-owned mattress just makes me want to hurl. Think of all the genetic material lurking in that giant sponge of nastiness. I'm not sure if that "OMG your mattress doubles in weight from nastiness every 8 years" is just Sleep Experts marketing BS, but whatever, it worked on me.

I guess that must be why there are laws against selling used mattresses. The nastiest mattress I have ever seen was when I delivered furniture and we took away the old junk for people. We brought them a new one and the old full size mattress nearly killed my coworker and I by shear weight. That is saying something because delivered some really big china cabinets. It was also the only time I have seen a mattress so old it predated springs, as it was all batting. My coworker and I guess the mattress was used to conceive and birth a few generations of that family. After we tossed the thing in the shared dumpster behind our store the other stores complained about us making the garbage smell worse, not kidding. They came into our store to complain, and yet that old woman was using it up until we showed up.