Sunday, April 10, 2005

There we are in Lake Tahoe, staying in a lovely rented condo with some friends. Being a stupid male of the species, I had packed adequate clothes, but assumed that there would be soap and shampoo and whatnot at the condo. So, I climb into the shower, after a hard day of skiing, and lather up with the provided bar of soap.

But where's the shampoo? There's no little complementary bottle of shampoo! I debate whether I can construct my own shampoo out of the chemicals that are readily present. I have soap, water, and can produce a variety of bodily fluids on demand, some of which are high in protein. I decide this is a bad plan. I then notice that there are several unlabeled containers in the back of the shower. There's a squarish glass jar containing a bright green liquid that may be shower cleaner, and then there are two unlabeled bottles that look like my wife packed them. They each contain a viscous off-white liquid.

My wife's hygiene regimen has always baffled me. She has many tiny jars with various mysterious chemicals and vegetable extracts in them. Do you have any idea what carrot oil is used for? Me either, but my wife does something with it. Grape Seed Hydrating Serum? Organic Rose Geranium Water? These are all bottles in our medicine cabinet. I know not to ask.

So, god knows what's in these unlabeled bottles of hers. One of them is probably shampoo, while the other could be some special vagina detergent made of jicama and tulip stamens. Realistically, I've got a 50% chance of getting this right. I randomly pick one of the bottles, pour out a dollop into my palm, and give it a whiff. I have no idea what odor it is, but it seems like it would make me cleaner rather than dirtier, so I lather up. Immediately, I feel relief when my head does not begin to menstruate.

As it turns out, I picked the right bottle. Later, when I chided my wife for always packing the mystery toiletries, she urged me to pick up the bottles and look at the writing on the bottom (on the bottom? Who the hell labels bottles on the bottom???). The one I had used was labeled "Sh" and the other one was "Co". Seemingly, this is her secret code for Shampoo and Conditioner.

Apparently there was no jicama vagina detergent, at all. Seems like an oversight to me.