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Saturday, 15 November 2014

Hanging on...

Unfortunately my posts are going to continue to be fairly sad at the moment. You know that Mum and I were always in daily contact, and up until the last few days, every few hours. That stopped and I have been sending message after message which have all gone unanswered. Dad has been as good as he possibly can be at getting back to me, but this technology is new territory for him as he doesn't text, Skype etc. Anyway today Mum and I managed to Skype again after 2 days...how uplifting that was cannot be put in to words. She cannot type (hence the lack of responses), nor can she see well enough to read the screen, but she can "mumble" as Dad put it. I took the opportunity to read to her all the messages that people have sent to her via Facebook etc.

Mum is now a shell of the person she used to be, but a beautiful and dignified one at that! She sat there patiently listening to me try to cram everything in the world I want to say into a few minutes as I'm not sure if this is the last time I will ever speak to her. I broke down a few times when I was explaining how much I miss her, but she is now so weak I don't believe she can even cry any more.

I didn't mention before because I need to respect Mum as much as possible, but she has been having issues with her mind recently. I will not go into details, but we have had a few upsetting conversations as she slips in questions or comments about things that are totally unrelated, or don't exist. Mum is also apparently having some hallucinations...nothing very interesting sadly for her - I wish they were at the very least providing her with some entertainment...George Clooney perhaps?!

We discussed her visit that she had from a friend yesterday and the planned return visit a week from Sunday. I burst out crying and said without being mean I hoped that she wouldn't still be around by then...I just want her to be at peace, despite wanting her around for a long as humanly possible! It's a painful and confusing place to be, let me tell you! Anyway, she agreed and said she and Dad were hoping it would come soon, but she was trying to hang on to get me through this weekend. You see I am down in Red Deer with my daughter for her soccer (football) tournament until tomorrow afternoon, and she didn't want to die whilst we were here. I can't really explain, but Mum knew how excited we were to get away for a girl's weekend, and at the time we were talking about it, there was still a chance Mum may make it to Christmas (yes I am talking about just last week), but since my visit it has become abundantly clear that she was holding on, and has since let go. I strongly believe that you have the power (to a certain degree) to decide when to go, and I know Mum is finding the strength to push forward for 2 more days to clear this weekend so we can have the weekend that we were so looking forward to. I told her to stop. Even my 9 year old doesn't want her fighting any longer...it's too hard for her and it's time for her to let go. We didn't finish the conversation because let's just say that Mum's anti emetics aren't working.

I love her with all of my heart and she will leave such a tremendous hole in my life, but please, dear God, take her and let her be at peace.