Archive for August, 2015

It’s amazing what adding two photos, a longer descriptions, and giving a little love to a few photos will do for you on fetlife.

One picture is of my face… sort of. Half of my face super close up. This is, of course, in hopes to not make myself too recognizable, but show off my beautiful face 🙂 (Hey, I have terrible body issues, but ain’t nothing wrong with this mug!) And the second is of my body… Shorts and a black tank top with the phone strategically placed over my face. Now, if guys respond I won’t feel fake about having to prove to myself I have a worthy body. It’s out there for them to see BEFORE they message, or respond. Phew!

I took off the “newb” and added what I’m truly looking for. I know what I want. So… I took ownership of it.

I’ve gotten a few responses. It’s fairly easy to weed out the guys that claim Dom and the guys that are the real deal.

The posers:

They want nudes, like, yesterday. Um… excuse me? I just “met” you. I may be kink… but that does not make me easy. Truth be told, I don’t know how my willingness is tied to my body image… I’m not gonna say I wouldn’t be all about some nude selfies if I thought I could rock these stretch marks. LOL. BUT STILL… have some respect. Show interest in my heart and mind because even if it’s a play relationship it still is A RELATIONSHIP of sorts. The d/s bond is fucking amazing… and I need to see that you value that too. It starts in conversation one.

They want to clear the air with sex. “It’s been so long that it is probably necessary for your well being that we start that way.” WHAT. :-\ Don’t make me (sarcastic) laugh. If I thought you couldn’t control yourself, we are not playing together EVER. No matter how long it’s been. What this is code for is that this isn’t a Dom. It’s a man that likes it rough. A man that just wants sex and doesn’t care who he gets it from. Again… this is SUPPOSED to be a relationship. There’s give and take to it. I’m not going to be a random place holder. That only hurts my heart. Been there. Done that. And done WITH that.

Talking about sex on the first meet up!!? No. Having a play date on the first day I see you in person?? No. No. No. There are exceptions to this… but it’s not what I’m looking for.

They talk about condoms right off the bat. “I don’t do gloves.” Well, actually…. “Yes, I am on birth control.” But 1) I REALLY REALLY don’t want a kid 2) I DON’T KNOW YOU! 3) The latest stat is 1 out of every 3 people has some sort of STD/STI…. Let’s take our time here, k? K. In fact. Why aren’t YOU more worried? I don’t mind proving my clean bill of health, and I can expect the same.

The more legitimate ones will start with questions about my preferences. About my expectations. About my hopes and dreams and future aspirations that have nothing to do with my body or what my body can do for them. They ask about my experiences in the community. How I got to where I am today. Why this is what I want. They genuinely want to know what they are walking into. They know that my weaknesses will be their responsibility. They know that I’m entrusting them with me and my safely. They have a full rounded perspective of what this means. And they cannot begin to tell you the appreciation that much trust gives them. They know how much they will be asking of me.

I’m pretty pumped about the possibility of 2 of them. One in particular. But more on him later.

I felt the chaos rising. In the past year this has been a cycle I go through. And when I get to the point of out-of-control I know an action must be taken. Yesterday I cut off communication with 3 men I have no intention of being with. Why did I keep them around? Probably the attention. And my indecisive nature of holding on to what-ifs. But, yesterday I was empowered and made the calls I needed to make to cut them off…

I was sick of getting those “So, I’m picking you up at 7?” “What are you cooking us tonight?” When we never had plans in the first place. Like, I was simple minded enough to be confused into a date. Is that what these guys think I am? They aren’t looking for an equal in a relationship. They just want a woman around for their whims. Any one will do.

This has been the tactic of two of the guys I let go of. SERIOUSLY? That is a pet peeve, bulldozing my preference… even if it is just you trying to be “cute”. It’s not. Move along.

In my defense I have been honest with all of them about me getting over M and not being to give anything other than friendship. But they don’t want that from me. They say they don’t mind it, but if I am constantly having to say no to dates, surprises, and over the top compliments… I see what you are doing here… and it’s NOT working. Move along, please. See the mood I finally hit? Took me a few weeks too long to get here. But the important part is I’m here.

Also, I made a grocery trip last night. Fruits and veggies on the ready to have a healthy weekend. Also, because of the guys I let go of, I actually had a free night… So I was ACTUALLY available when my running buddy, Chris, asked if I’d meet him at the park. The weather was perfect yesterday, and it would’ve truly been a shame to have to turn him down because a guy I am not even attracted to took me to get a burger at an overrated restaurant with ridiculously high alcohol prices and the fries are extra.

Chris, my running buddy. It’s turned into a joke really. Chris, he’s my running buddy that I never run with. It’s been months since I ran with. I’ve gotten in the habit of running after work at 4:30 on the treadmill while he waits til 8 or 9 and goes to the park…. We keep each other in check thru text, but it was nice to ACTUALLY be available. Usually I am turning him down because of some other guy or reckless plans I’ve made.

I made The Cut yesterday and reaped the benefits already. Felt good. I think I needed that kind of glaringly obvious connection of less chaos, and just simply being available for the positive and healthy things in life.

I’m so dissatisfied right now. Had a binge eating session last night. Emotional hangover from that today. Guilt. Shame. The whole deal.

Job: I feel useless. There are rare day where I feel needed. But as the newest member of the team… I’m pretty disposable right now. I miss my old position where I was actually good at it. I kicked ass. Now, I’m a baby again… needing to be spoon fed everything it seems.

relationship status: I loved being apart of a couple with M. I miss him. I miss that. And now… I’m just all over the place, once again. Too many options and too many directions. At this point I can drop them all and be just as dissatisfied in life. I was in communication with 4 guys just last night between the hours of 9 and 11 and really only 1 that I’d care to actually be with, of course, he’s the least likely of the 4 because of time and distance. I need a good flogging. Gah, I want that. NEED that. A good flogging and a good after-care cuddle sesh.

Workouts: My damn motivation changes from week to week and its really bugging me. I signed up for the gauntlet and i’m pretty much dreading every obstacle right now. I have exactly a month to get ready for it. Gonna be stupid… I’ll walk away feeling terrible about myself. I hope I’m wrong about this. Overall I’m doing well. I even lost 10 pounds in the last 2 months that feels pretty damn good. But… like I said, every week feels different.

Restless: I need a vacation in the biggest way possible. But vacationing alone? I don’t know that I’m a good enough person to be able to do that and not cry myself to sleep every night, or pick up some rando at the closest bar to my hotel where ever I go. Reckless. Purely reckless. And I’ll still be just as dissatisfied, but also gain a side of disgust. I’ve even thought about getting back on tinder JUST to find a vacation buddy… how pathetic is that. “Need vacation buddy for one week in September. Series inquiries only”. I’M PATHETIC!

Jd was so promising last week. We hung out a few times. Great make out session. He was readily available and wanted to take me out!

Friday rolled around and I decided to skip the workout and get ready at an easy pace. Nothing fancy, but I did the eye brow pluck, nail trim, hair washing, lotioning, spraying, you know… enough to get myself excited. We all have our routine that we go through if we have the time and care enough. It’s a nice little ritual that makes you feel pretty and calms the nerves.

We set 7pm as the time of pick up. I was ready a full 25 minutes in advance. When I’m excited I usually don’t sit still very well. I kept myself busy with some light cleaning, and I turned on netflix.

6:40 Text: “I’m running a bit late. Drinking at Blue Canoe. They brought us another pitcher without us ordering it. 😦 ”

Couple of things I feel are note worthy about this.

There ARE legitimate excuses for running late. This does not count as one of them.

Drinks BEFORE a date?? Okay… I might be guilty of the half a glass a wine to take the edge off some nerves before a date… but going out with buddies (I hope he was with buddies – for the sole reason that it wasn’t the first drink… and they were pitchers!) before hand? Am I plan number two for the evening? I guess that’s okay…. but… It doesn’t settle right with me.

Maybe I’m being dramatic about this one. Why can’t he ditch early? I mean, prior commitments. There are a lot of things I roll well with, but fucking with my calendar and time is at the top of my no-no list. I do realize I value this more than the average gal, but I VALUE THIS! It’s me. It’s not going to change. And if you can’t respect my time on date 1?? How will it be going forward? If I was with friends before a date and they mistakenly brought another round, I would politely give my drink away and bow out.

He picked me up closer to 8. But he came to my door… this is a lost art I believe. I know that we are opting to meet at a neutral location more and more, but there’s something about opening the door to a date…. So I add a tally mark to the pro side of the list… but still it’s lopsided.

As we descended the stairs of my apartment building he starts going on about his car. He’s been driving this thing for the last 10 plus years. So…. it’s quite old. Antique by definition, but not the classy kind. It smells of old plastic. I don’t really care about cars and new/old/sports/blah blah blah… so I just say “Please don’t worry about it. Not a big deal.” We get in. “Oh, and the a/c just went out.” At this point I take hold of the hint… “Would you like me to drive?”

Ugh… I hate driving. I’m a nervous driver when I have passengers. But if it eases his mind then…. sure… “Fine.” I don’t like this car insecurity… Just own it. And go with it. It wasn’t a particularly warm night, it would’ve been perfectly fine. But car insecurity. Not attractive.

We head to dinner. And it’s nice. He pays. He is good at filling in any gaps in a conversation, not that there were many. He’s sweet. Still sweet. And I really really really am drawn in by this. Then I realize… It’s the ONLY thing that is drawing me in.

He’s not the usual body type I’m attracted to. He doesn’t have a commanding personality that I feel safe with. I just am completely turned off some where in the middle of dinner… but I like him… just…. not… in a jump-your-bones-sort-of way. And I realize, this is why no clothes came off the last time…

Not actually dead. Just not living in my world. I’m not sure what happened. Nothing happened as far as I saw. Maybe his primary relationship’s “openess” changed. Or maybe he found someone else to play with. I don’t know. But the last I heard from him was when he was breaking our date on saturday night because of some “emergency”. Sigh… disappointed.

Boy b also cancels with “emergencies”. Then texting a few days later wondering where *I* have been… Not sure what the point is in all this.

JD is still refreshingly sweet. And surprisingly available. We hung out again last night. And we have plans for an actual date for tonight.

The guy that broke up with me recently (lets call him M) called me at mid-night last night. He was on his way home and wanted to stop by for a hug. This stabs me so hard in my heart. Because 95% of me is screaming “Yes, please come over!!!” 2% of me was groggy from sleep and wanted more. 3% of me knew that a hug at midnight was not a good idea. And it wasn’t being “just a friend” and I’m tired of the gray area and he needs to see what being on that side of the friendship line is like. He misses me. And while I’m happy about that. I miss him more. And I know he doesn’t have the same kind of miss that I do. Makes for a heavy, heavy heart. I’m glad I resisted. I’m glad I got the sleep I needed. And I’m glad to show him that I can make the decisions that keep him away. Even tho its a tortured decision. We do have plans tomorrow. My first attempt at being his friend in person since a failed attempt several weeks ago – where I went home early because I was threatened by tears every second. The only thing that is going to make it easier to keep boundaries up is probably JD. Healthy or not… it helps.

To be honest, I’m feeling a little lost right now. I felt grounded when I was with M. I loved calling that official. Life simplified. I had so much peace about life.

Then, again, I felt grounded when Dimples and I were discussing our potential partnership.

But now, I just feel adrift. I don’t hate it. But I know I like grounded better.

I decided that its best not to humor the interests of guys while I get over this break up. That the relationship I would be able to cultivate would be the one of me and Mr. Dimples… It’s safe there… in my mind. Nothing in the way of commitment past our d/s one. It wouldn’t be fair to date ANYONE right now. Because at this point if the guy that dumped me were to change his mind today I know I’d give it another shot… whether I should or shouldn’t.

So, of course, this weekend I meet a boy. We’ll call him JD He is the sweetest guy I think I’ve ever met. And not the sweet like my ex husband sweet: the kind of sweet that can use the sweet to manipulate without even realizing it. But this sweet carries an innocents with it. JD is shy. Not my type at all. He’s scrawny and barely taller than me. Pretty sure I could squat more than him… usually this is a deal breaker… so… why am I so intrigued? Probably because I decided not to pursue boys!

We met the old fashion way… In a bar. We have a mutual friend. And we all just happened to be out and about. He was completely wasted when I first met him! I didn’t feel the slightest bit interested. In fact, I was more interested in our mutual buddy. But through the night and wee hours of the morning JD came to life. Only enough to see straight tho. LOL. Our crew of 6 people ended up bunking at one of the guy’s apartments that was within walking distance. I claimed a section of the couch! And JD claimed the other. He asked for my number when we all parted ways at 10am the next morning. I gave it to him.

I was very straight forward about telling him about the break up and the status of my heart… He seemed genuine when he said he understood. We got together for a movie on Sunday night.

After the movie we made out for HOURS. I don’t know that I’ve spent that much time kissing with clothes on since high school! Never removed a stitch of clothing. It was so much fun! Who knew!? And I was surprised by how much I enjoyed talking with him.

Now, I’m a complete social yogi. I usually only do it if my friends are doing it. I’m not gonna savasana on my own or meditate or whatever in the center of my living room. Do people do that? But I do know I love hot yoga at this particular studio. So when plotting out my workouts for the week I decided it was time to cash in that 4-yoga-sessions package I bought last month.

First off, I stick out like a sore thumb:

I’m 165lbs… so next to these sticks… I clearly don’t belong.

I’m in a t-shirt… this is of course due to my weight… the cute sports bras looks great on their 115 (or less!!!) pound frame, but if *I* don’t even wanna look at this mid-section….??? You. are. welcome.

I don’t know the appropriate names of the poses… so I’m the only one “breaking my flow” to try to figure out what the heck I’m doing!!!! Some times I get an instructor that isn’t so jargon-y and I can follow just fine, but that’s what it takes at this point.

I don’t know how to flow with my breathing… its something I wanna get more in-tuned to. After all, this IS yoga.

My “practice” doesn’t include anything fancy so when they say “Now, you can stay here or if ____ is included in your practice….” That’s my cue to STAY THERE! So I do that for several deep breaths and occasionally if even that gets lengthy I’ll get into child’s pose…. while of course the rest of the class twists and turns and finesse-ly balances on 2 tiny points of contact.

I’m the one taking breaks to wipe off my face. It was a hot yoga class, which i absolutely love, but I’m sweating more than the rest of these people combined!!!!!! Another reason I need the t-shirt. More material to sop that shit up. Maybe I need wrists bands and head bands? lol I’d really stick out then! But how can anyone be expected to balance in any way if their hands keep sliding from the puddles of sweat that fall on the mat?!?! Is no one else having this issue?? I look around and these people are calm, cool, collected, and merely glistening…. I’ll never be that girl. Sigh.

But!!! I do have a few redeeming qualities that help me actually enjoy it:

I’m naturally pretty dang flexible.

I’ve got great posture and back alignment awareness.

My legs are strong (thank you crossfit)… so standing poses feel extremely strong and sturdy. Some of the only times I feel like I belong anywhere near this studio.

My core is strong… not expert yogi strong… not hand stand strong… but I can hang with reps and sets of whatever core workout we are incorporating.

I met my fetlife guy yesterday. Let’s see, what to call him… I’ve seen other bdsm blogs, and subs like to call their Dom something specific… not necessarily unique… just specific. Like Sir or Master or Mister or something. But I don’t feel like being formal is necessary… yet.

Let’s call him Dimples… It’s not very reverent is it? Feels a bit wrong. But… oh my goodness…. could’ve just spent the whole time watching those dimples move and change shape and settle back into dimples all day. But of course I was forced to pay attention and actually participate in the conversation. My attention span these days is at an all time low.

And I had to snap myself out of it because this is not a meeting of lovers or potential lovers… we would be on strict D/S terms. Fine by me! Just gotta get use to that idea first. Keep myself in check. Keep circling back to the point. I think it’ll just take a bit of practice.

I keep thinking about this guy. And I really want this type of relationship. I want to be someone’s submissive. I can’t wait! I mean, he is being all slow and steady and building trust and I KNOW he is right and this is the way to go, but I’m ready to get in there. I’m more of a trial and error type than lets write down all the details, study, memorize then maybe go slow and see how it goes. But… Whatever Dimples wants, he’ll get…

And I can’t stop thinking about when I want to date someone. How complicated this could be. I don’t want to just dumped Dimples… (I know, I’m getting way ahead of myself here). I mean, if he’s willing to invest time in me and me in him and build up a d/s relationship… That means a lot to me. And again, I remind myself that I am in no state to date someone… RECOVERY. So that should be a moot point. Right?

Well, something happens when a girl decides she shouldn’t date. All the guys come trickling out of the woodwork like insanely angry bees that just had their hive poked. And they follow you around till you are running away in full force and BAM! You get stung. Right now I’m just trying to ignore the bees, like one should… but that buzzing… its… well… lets just say I feel like an 8 year old boy with a stick. Keeping myself in check is HARD.

So I think that once me and Dimples get going that part will get a lot easier… I’ll have the outlet I need. But I foresee this getting extremely complex.