A few weeks ago, my iphone unceremoniously met its maker when it slipped through my grasp, splash landing at the bottom of a toilette. I’d stuffed my three wet boys in the ladies bathroom stall at the local health club to get them changed after swim lessons. I swear the family locker room has been ‘under construction’ since you could buy a Big Gulp of Mountain Dew to go with your meth in New York City (Great news! You can still get the meth! No calories and only half the teeth rot. Yay!). See, I figured the nekkid ladies in the locker room didn’t need my boys potentially definitely gawking at them and snickering, “BOOBIES! I see boobies!” Isn’t it enough that I have to field comments like, “Mama has TWO bum bums! One in the front and one in the back!!”

IT'S TRUE. I HAVE TWO TUSHES. YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST.

You’re welcome, nekkid gym ladies. You owe me $100 for a new phone!

Uncle Ben and his long grain varietal was no match for the water logged phone, despite me praying to the gods of starch for several days. As my friend pointed out though, it was probably just as well because continuing to use the phone would technically give me, “ass face”! So, for the low, low price of $99 and signing my life away to the mobAT&T for a few more years, my new bestie Siri and I proudly skipped out of the Apple store, ass face no more!

I ordered a new fun iphone case online because the one from my 4 didn’t fit well and let’s face it, no amount of antibacterial cleaner could erase the image of its sad road less travelled.

Ass face.

For five glorious days, Siri and I texted and emailed with reckless abandon. And poor grammar and spelling. Oh Siri, nobody’s perfect. It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t enunciate well, clearly. So you called my fave Mexican restaurant, La Carreta, Loch Arreta, and asked my friend how fun it was to fill her new bourbon (‘burban– short for Suburban). Tomato, tomatoe.

You didn’t deserve this. No one deserves this:

THIS IS YOUR PHONE. THIS IS YOUR PHONE ON ASSSSSPHALT.

Hey kids, don’t drink and text!

What can I say? Boozers are losers. (That’s a quote. I have a hater! Long story.)

That little blondie is not taking the rap this time. It was my….older than 3 year old friend not to name names but I willMiss Indeedy. (Also…a blonde. I’m just saying.) Aforementioned adult blonde minutes earlier asked me why I didn’t have a case on my phone. Right before she asked to borrow it, because her hubs had taken hers for the day to exchange it for the shiny! new! not compatible with every plug and case you own! Iphone 5.

I think that’s called foreshadowing?

All I know is I left her, our kids, and my iphone in the driveway playing while I ran inside to tinkle. And get another beer BOOZERSARELOSERS! And then I hear this blood curdling scream that I’m certain reverberated to the Pacific rim followed by….

“JANNNNNNNNNNNET! JANNNNNNNNNNNNET!”

I pole vaulted my ass off that toilette and leapt out the back door with my drawers around my knees—I kid you not. (Sorry, neighbors! I do not understand why the house next me hasn’t sold yet!)

Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground!

My poor, blonde friend appeared with smashed phone in hand, all apologies.

I gotta say, nothing like thinking a kid got hit by a car or snatched by a band of rabid ice cream truck bandits to put a smashed iphone in perspective. Really. After I retrieved my heart from my gut I told her that. And suggested we have another beer. Inside. With the doors locked. And the kids in our line of sight.

Phew.

And that’s when 3 year old said he had to go get a bandage for my phone.

He tried to fix my phone with an Angry Birds bandaid. He has a bright future in trouble shooting and a heart bigger than my muffin top. I know!

I am blessed and I am lucky. The phone might have broken but my heart is full. And, I have two bums. Please, jealousy is an ugly thing, people.

Which is what I reminded myself as I put the new phone case on my new new iphone right after I realized in the dark parking lot that I locked my keys in the car!!!!!!

But it was OKAY! Because I was with the blonde and we went for a beer after at Loch Arreta. (The adult blondie! Give me some credit!)