The Best And Worst Of TNA Impact Wrestling 2/21/13: Kaz, Stop Trying to Make Fetch Happen

Hello hello hello! Welcome back to the Best & Worst of TNA Impact, alternately known as “Jesus Christ, are we still in the UK?” A few things before we get to the (thankfully) final installment under the monarchy.

– I went to 2CW’s Niagara Falls show last week, and this is a thing that happened! For those of you who regularly read this column, you’ll know that this is pretty much one of the best things that could ever happen, and it’s a miracle I am writing this week because my heart almost burst from sheer joy. As an aside, please note that I am 5’2 ¾”, and he is officially listed at a cool Danny Briere 5’9. Mmhmm. Okay Spikey.

– While I was hanging out in a wrestling ring with Spike Dudley and fangirling over Jojo Bravo at a merch table with the effervescent Rachel Summerlyn, Brandon got to go to Elimination Chamber and a WWE press conference. He did a TOTALLY CONTROVERSIAL podcast about these experiences that you should listen to here. He also got to meet Big Show and Mark Henry, and had I not done the aforementioned, I would probably ragequit the internet from blind jealousy. You can listen to his fun and less divisive podcast about that here. Chris Trew is involved, and hey, we all love that guy (we should all love that guy).

– Twitter is a nifty little thing, and if you think so too, you should absolutely follow me here. With Leather is good times and occasionally posts about cats on treadmills (the best kinds of posts), so follow them here, and our UPROXX mothership here. Like us on Facebook, rock the tumblr, and share (or whatever the verb is) on Reddit, too. We like shares and follows and likes and such, so do it as much as you can! You can even use buzzwords and get proactive and in your face about it!

– Shout-out to Wrestling Bro Prime Casey for the GIFs.

This week on Impact: A title changes hands, Joseph Park flies, and after some serious consideration, a #1 contender is picked for the World Heavyweight Championship. Onwards and upwards, my friends!

Best: Nepotism or Senility, the hot new game show that’s sweeping the nation!

Hogan comes out to kick off the show, and lets us know that after careful consideration he’s chosen the #1 contender to face Jeff Hardy for his butt-ugly belt at Lockdown. So who is it? Mecha Austin Aries? The Superkick of the Cowboy James Storm? RVD? Haha, of course it’s not RVD. It’s Bully Ray, because of course it is.

At first blush this seems…wrong…and I assure you that it is, but for the sake of the grander story being told, let’s go with it. Bully Ray is injured, and didn’t compete in the Tournament of Farts (shoutout to all of my Canadian professional women’s curling fans with that one! *wink wink*). Bully Ray comes out, just as incredulous as his acting skills will allow. Bully Ray well and truly should have been champion long before this, but TNA is now running wild down a treacherous path. With Aces & Eights finally getting some momentum, this could lead to a very big reveal that would more than justify slogging through months of leather vests and beer bottle hand-jobs. It could also just lead to Bully Ray becoming champion with no exploration of the familial politicking of Brooke Hogan and the overt nepotism of Hulk’s decision.

The problem with getting so invested in an Impact storyline like this is the precedence they’ve set for completely dropping the ball on compelling storylines, or negating any good things they’ve done by adding, say, Jeff Jarrett into the mix. I’m not sure if it’s a lack of confidence in doing something different then falling back on whatever they think a WWE audience would like or what, but I’m really glad that they’re sticking with this. Other storylines and divisions (X, Knockout) may be suffering, but thus far I think they’ve been incredibly successful in expanding the characters of both Bully Ray and Hogan, and I really want to see this through to what will hopefully be a satisfying conclusion. Heck, best friend and confidant Sting has been the most likable and relatable he’s been in just about ever. Even if this is just a long-form parody of the benefits Triple H has reaped by getting it into then putting a ring on Lady Stephanie, it’s really, really good. More of this, less #slapnuts please.

Worst: F-cking injuries, how do they work?

Bully. Bully Ray. Sweetie, darling. Stop. You can’t say you’re injured, then go dancing. You can’t point out that you’ve torn a quad and shouldn’t compete at Lockdown, then book yourself into a match involving the same guys who injured you. Oh wait, you can? And you did? Well, I guess we’ve got time for miracles, and I can notice and recognize them, so sure, let’s do this.

Best: Call me Jerry Lawler, because I just made a sh-tty heart attack reference

In all seriousness, my heart. is full. of FEELINGS. Mecha Shiva and Bad Influence! Everyone hates Chavandez! Christopher Daniels earned his medals! They all get to be on the same side and be best friends and drink appletinis and put pictures of Chavo and Jeff Hardy in their burn book and…okay, maybe not. But hey, they’re all on the same four-man tag team, so it’s a start! Is there a way this could get better?

This couldn’t get better, right?

Page 3

Best: Danielle’s Fandom Armageddon Tag Match

WELL HELLO THERE, JOSEPH PARK.

This is a real TNA Turning Point in the episode, because there is pretty much no way the show will have anything better than this tag match. It’s not perfect, but…nevermind, 5/8ths of it is. Let me put it another way. It’s a real shame that the YouTube version of the match is cut down, because this is basically ten minutes of a four-on-one handicap match of Mecha Influence vs. Joseph Park, and it is glorious. It is so good that upon watching it after it aired, a friend messaged me to make sure I was alright. And I am not alright. I am so much more than alright. I am the MOST DELIGHTED.

In this match we have:

– Legitimately great wrestling

– Four of the best heels to ever heel their way around a TNA ring

– Joseph Park showing heart and determination

– Joseph Park going top rope

– Said heels remembering that they’re actually total jerks and collapsing under the weight of their own egos and jerkitude

– Joseph Park

Even Tazz likes Joseph Park, and Tazz is an idiot.

Best: Joseph Park, high-flyer

*faints*

Worst: We lie, we cheat, we steal other people’s pins

That was Joseph Park’s pin, dude. BOO, CHAVO. BOOOOOOO.

Page 4

Worst: Robbie…Robbie, I told you no….don’t…

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOO

Further worst: Why aren’t you on the list, bro?

Monolithic Robbie? Where are ya, bro? You two can’t really be…I mean, no no. It’s fine. It’s just a bit of tension because you’re trying to play up to the British crowd. It’s cool! It’s totally fine. You’re just off styling your hair or letting out the sleeves on your new matching argyle sweaters or-

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

brb, using my official Robbie E rosary to pray for your swift and joyous reunion. ‘Cause the higher the fist-pump, the closer to god, right?

Worst: The Knockouts title change, or, this is the polite way of saying Velvet Sky, you are terrible

Because Velvet Sky, you are terrible. To your credit, you are not the worst wrestler to ever wrestle. You are slightly better than Miss Tessmacher, but…that is not saying much. Guuuuuurl, you have been wrestling for ten goddamn years. You are still working that summer grocery store cashier job you got when you were sixteen to have extra cash for the movies and to spend at whatever the American equivalent of Ardene is, while Gail Kim is already moving on to become partner in a private medical practice. Like hey, maybe take some time out from skinning muppets to make those legwarmers and refine that sh-tty finisher a little. Maybe ask for some help. You are actively employed to wrestle in a company of wrestlers who put on a wrestling television show and numerous wrestling house shows. Is no one available to help you? Here are some helpful tips on what to google:

If the person in your company who is probably around a lot more than you who also happens to use a variation of the same finisher is unavailable, maybe ask your boyfriend. You are essentially dating at least a National semi-finalist spelling bee contestant, and your crosswords don’t make any damn sense because you think 34-Across: First day of Lent is “Ash Wennsday.”

I know, I know. It’s hard. Your face turn blows. Your gimmick is basically that you are there. You have pigeons residing in your uterus, and that can’t be comfortable at all. Your old frenemy Madison Rayne is wandering, alone and lost, somewhere in Universal Studios, living off of stale popcorn and discarded Butterbeer. But maybe, just maybe, make a wee bit more effort? Or go the opposite way, surprise us all, and own your crappiness. Run up to that camera, rub your asshole all over it, and shout THIS IS WHAT I DO. I don’t care. Just decide who you want to be, and be it. For all of our sakes.

Worst: And while we’re chatting…

‘Sup, TNA. Remember that time you had the chance to sign LuFisto? We’ll call it every second you don’t sign LuFisto? Maybe now is a good time to seriously assess this match, scrap the Gut Check voting shenanigans, get her on board, and have her clear out the riff raff in stunning fashion.

Worst: But no seriously, that Knockouts Match

I understand that Velvet Sky’s title win is a means to an end when it comes to advancing the storyline between Gail Kim and Taryn Terrell, but this is well and truly a useless title change. The only possible reason I could see for taking the belt off of her is the idea that Brooke whispered to Terrell at the beginning of the match that Tara had to lose, because she doesn’t like her and they’re gonna have a thing. Regardless, Velvet is just a bit player achieving something she really has no business having, and we get more Brooke Hogan on TV. Does anyone win in that scenario? No.

The fact that it could lead to two storylines for a division at an incredibly low point where most ladies don’t even get one is a good thing, but I’m still going to keep this as worst, because the primary storyline is “Taryn Terrell doesn’t know what the eff she’s doing, and Gail Kim is a big ol’ b word for pointing it out.” Really? I know Gail Kim has a talent for effective, snarky heelishness, but I’m sorry, someone please take Taryn aside and literally show her the ropes. Tell her how they work in relation to pin attempts and submissions. Unless you’re about to get incredibly meta and point out that you hired someone because she’s cute, made her shrink her outfit and get her tits out because “women’s wrestling,” and in reality she has no idea what the hell she’s doing…well, even then that’s still kind of bad, but I’ll accept it if you stay confident and run with it.

Tune in next week when my skepticism is fully vilified by Taryn appearing in a regulation referee thong revealing that she has #slapnuts tattooed on her left buttcheek.

I’ve always thought the “Higher Power” was Bischoff. The entire thing seems right up his alley and seems to be an Immortal reset button after Jeff Hardy screwed the pooch a while back.

In fact, I’m expecting the reset button so much that I wouldn’t be shocked if Hulk and/or Bully are in on it too. When Immortal was revealed, it was during a PPV title match with a heel turn swerve in Hardy and Hulk/Eric where in on it the whole time.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Lockdown sees the return of heel Bully (after all there was that strange moment in which Brooke got on to Bully for not wearing a wedding ring and acting like this was a thing that happens a lot) and we find out he was in on the Aces & Eights the whole time.

Can someone please teach Taryn how to make a proper referee three count? It’s hard to describe but it’s even worse than Brad Armstrongs and he apparently can only lift his mat-slapping arm two inches above the canvas.

LEGITIMATE QUESTION… Taryn really did blow that call with Gail Kim holding onto the ropes right? I’ve been watching wrestling for 30 years but all of the sudden freaking Mike Tenay, Taz and shitty TNA logic have me questioning the rules. If Gail grabs the ropes Velvet has to break the hold, right? The only time the ref should remove a wrestlers hands from the ropes is if they’re using them as unfair leverage in a hold or a pin which totally wasn’t the case. How is it that Gail Kim pointing out what a shitty ref Taryn is, makes her the bad guy? Also why do I feel like I care about the knockout division more than TNA?

You forgot Jack Swagger, if he gets released. Picking up a middling WWE guy and pretending he’s a big deal is a TNA specialty. (Although my dearest hope is that Swagger stays in WWE and gets repackaged as a white Rasta dude who never wins named Job Marley.)

If Bully doesn’t turn heel and murder Jeff Hardy, I’m gonna riot. The best part will be watching Mr Roboto(brooke hogan) try to emote feelings after she is betrayed. I’ve been annoyed bully hasn’t turned on them yet, but if it was stretched to allow him to win the world title, then so be it.

If only the members of Aces and Eights weren’t so ludicrously terrible. Can’t they just put the masks back on and secretly switch them out with Aries, Roode, Kaz, and Daniels? Who would be against that?

Do a quick trip to Mexico and have them rebrand themselves as Unos y Ochos so they can wear lucha masks, even.

It’s a golden opportunity for TNA to do something it loves, (Insulting its viewers’ intelligence) while also making its product way better.

on a side note, as much as I agree with you on everything you said about the knockouts match there, I got to point out that I enjoyed it while it lasted actully !!

the champion being the first one eliminated made it clear to me who’s going to win it and made me very angry inside, but at that was after 10 seconds of jumping off of my seat and shouting “wow ! interesting !!”

the moves that the ladies did are some that I don’t see everyday personally ! the bulldog to the floor outside, the moonsault from the top robe from tara (it was better than eve’s in my opinion ! and also, god I miss eve …), the double powerbomb-superplex and also frankly most of the rest of the match that didn’t involve velvet sky all impressed me !

Your reviews are seriously starting to become a choir…Its a fucking wrestling show, lighten up Jeez..Bully Ray wasnt booking a main event match, he asked Hogan and the old guy agreed, end of story.

Your hatred of Velvet Sky is understandable, but she has a sex appeal and personal charm man can appreciate(Man, not IWC nerds with inferiority complex). Plus, she is not a terrible wrestler. The Knockouts match was good, i dont remember seeing a tower of doom in a divas match for at least a decade.

gotta admit, almost 3 weeks ago I was just like you !! I used to fill the comment section with disagreeing opinions of mine that I thought were right ! but even when mine (and yours) were right sometimes, we should remember that this .. all this, is only meant for laughs ! it’s a comedy wrestling show review !!

Imagine how good wrestling could be if people weren’t willing to accept gaping plot holes, terrible continuity, and the like by lowering their expectations because it’s “just wrestling.”

When your defense of a female wrestler is “She’s hot” and “Not ‘terrible’ at wrestling” that’s not saying much. But I always love the “At least I’m not a nerd argument” coming from someone posting on the message board/comment section of a page devoted to a nerdy interest. I, for one, welcome our new “man” overlord, and defer to his obviously superior penis.

how cool and creative would it be if the leader in the very end was abyss and it truned out that joseph park actully has two personallities ! so, when he’s back in joseph park mode, he can’t remember anything from his time in abyss mode ! and abyss goes the way that TNA left him high and dry more than a year ago and that he wants revenge … and when TNA guys hold joseph park to ask him what he knows he says he knows nothing and they toture him to get answers !! that would be very interesting if it played out well …

I’ve been convinced for a while that Bully Ray is heading up A&8s, leading to a BR/Brooke betrayal and finally getting Brooke off my g/d television. My only issue with Hulk being involved is it would probably require Sting’s full-time return, and did you get a load of how shiny his bald spot is getting?

Then you had to go ahead and throw AJ in there. I truly hope it’s not him, but now I can’t get it out of my head that it might be. DAMMIT.

Wait, you think the voice modulator guy is D-Lo? How can anyone think this anymore? All the pitch corrected videos out there of of ‘voice modulator guy’ prove it’s Eric Bischoff, I didn’t think anyone who watched TNA didn’t realise it was him. talk about a lack of research.