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Monday, August 19, 2013

Public safety announcement: Protecting yourself from a gnome attack

Via amazon.com

This may be the most critical piece of advice that anyone can give you, so pay attention. If you haven't been protecting yourself from a possible gnome attack, you are behind the curve. Everyone is prepared for the zombie apocalypse at this point, those are general public skills in this age. If you want a sporting chance against the gnomes, read on.

Chuck Sampuchino has written a comprehensive manual for how to protect yourself from a gnome attack, and it is knowledge to live by. Here are a few of my favorites tips that you can find in the book, How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack:

Know the risk factors: You live by the woods, or your routine leaving and returning to the house is predictable.

See the warning signs: Look for garage tools out of place or stones being moved making a signal to other gnomes.

Preventative measures: Learn how to add motion lighting, build a moat, or the proper way to reach into your mailbox as to not be attacked from the inside.

Crisis strategies: Practice exiting your house from a first floor window or attacking from a sleeping position.