About Me

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

So...this past weekend was the Lima Pipeline Reunion in my parent's hometown, Lima, OH. Basically it was like a high school reunion for everybody who graduated from Lima Senior High School. Three of my uncles were in town, my dad, and a lot of my parent's friends. This was an opportunity for Jeri to meet more of my family.

You would have thought Jeri had been around my family forever. She fit right in and it was a beautiful thing to see.

The funniest thing was that her and my dad were like two peas in a pod...it was really a joy to see. The whole weekend I caught them several times just sitting and talking to each other, laughing, dancing, etc. It always feels good to see my family enjoying Jeri's presence just as much as she enjoys theirs.

I try to involve Jeri in my family affairs and things like that because I want her to experience things that she doesn't experience in her own family. I'm not saying her family doesn't love each other, have fun together, etc., but I know there are certain experiences that she hasn't had that being around my family can provide. I feel like there are so many experiences that we can share over our relationship...and I can't wait to get there...:)

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Maybe it's because I'm from Missouri, the "Show Me" state. See, I've never had that "conversion experience." It's like there's this wall of skepticism up between me and God, and I don't know what to do to get over it. It's crazy because I am so NOT a skeptical person. I mean, have things been hard for me before? Sure!! I guess maybe it's that everything has always ended up alright in the end for me. When things don't, I look at it like everything can't always go good for me. I think that a big part of me floats between the explanations being God's favor & blessings, and the natural balance of how life goes...sometimes things happen for you, other times they don't.

I know this probably sounds bad, and most of you will probably take it the wrong way, but in a lot of ways, although I truly do believe in God, he is not real to me. Maybe real is too strong of a word. Tangible...yeah...it's just not tangible to me. So many other people have had that defining moment, where God becomes real to them; that "conversion experience" I was talking about. I just haven't had it. In church Sunday, Pastor Ron was somewhat discussing this topic, and about how for most people, finding Jesus isn't a "defining moment." Some people realize that they've found God when looking at their lives in hindsight. Maybe that's what's supposed to happen to me.

I guess what would bottle the whole thing up for me is that while I believe God is real, I wonder sometimes what makes him real TO ME. I always hear people testifying about how "He woke me up this morning and started me on my way," etc., but for me, that's not enough. My eyes opening this morning isn't enough for me to feel the realness of God. Could I be taking things for granted? Of course...and I'm sure a big part of me is, but that just doesn't move me.

I'm trying to figure this all out, and it's a journey for me. It's especially hard for me because in a lot of ways I feel inadequate, and I hate that. I used to not really understand this song by John Legend - "Show Me". I mean I got the general gist of the song, but a part of me didn't understand the feeling behind it. After a conversation tonight, I more than understand. It's crazy because it's almost all that I could think about. Like I said, maybe it's because I'm from Missouri. Is what's written in this blog a reflection of that?

Monday, May 18, 2009

A few years back, a neighborhood gangsta asked me..."What motivates me to awaken everyday? What helps you keep the bad in this place away?"I told him that I do heart surgery...he said, "What?"I told him that I open my chest/book and let my heart fall on the paper.I let the pen be the blood vein robbing my body of the bad blood and placing it on the sheetin the form of..........iambic pentameter/a heart beat.My HEART then BEATS to HELP my WORDS flow FORTHthe BLOOD on the PAGE then HELPS someONE give BIRTH..........to a newborn poem.I told him to let the notebook lines be the suture for the stitches in your heart,for without them your heart would fall apart.He then asked, "What am I supposed to write about, when all I see around is my niggaz gettin gunned down? What do I say about the gov't that doesn't want me to succeed? How do I make the future better for my seed?"I told him...Don't worry what to write about,when your heart starts to beat, the words will flow out.Just make sure you come to surgery with the right tools in hand...the pen...the paper...in the end you'll understand.And what of the world that wants to hold you back you may ask...Tell them you want to live...tell them you want to love...tell them you want to read a book, you want equal education, a college degree,tell them you want to end modern day slavery...tell them you want to march, repent of your sins and be born again.......raise a respectable child...you want to educate and be educated.Tell them you want to take the gun's out of your niggas' palms so....their high blood pressure can calm...tell them you want to live...tell them you want to love...and tell whoever wants to still hold you back, that you can't hold back a beating heart...with a strong pulse...and that in order to stop you, they'd have to kill you first.Oh, and the seeds you plant and want to grow?Write a poem saying your seeds need water to sproud, so they need a gardener...Tell the dead-beat dads they should stick around, instead of leaving their seedsto grow with weeds.......like a fading heartbeat, dead beats end up beat dead.Once you've filled this paper with the blood from your heart...close your chest/notebook and ball it up.Throw the paper holding your heart in the trash because your next poem will outlive and be better than the last.......and if there is something in your lifespan someone wants to retort,tell them to go back and read your autopsy report.Then ask them, "Do you still want to be like me?"So this gangsta handed me his gun.He then said..."I want to live."He asked me what I thought and I told him......it was the best poem I've ever heard.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

as my thoughts crowd themselves and overflow, my heart cries with the ache of your missed presence...my mind can't wrap around the length of time stretched before us, as we wait, hardly able to see the silver lining on this rain cloud, the drops I feel are not welcome, my sunshine has gone away...there is none when you're not here...it's always too long...you're missed...

what I wrote...

listening to your heart cry drives me insane...dealing with the pain that is ...distance. Not distance between hearts...but distance between physical. Wanting your presence near...almost a fear of not basking in your shadow. Laying at night on half empty pillows, with a half empty heart. ..your lack of presence making me...incomplete...

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Still on the grind...student year almost over...one more year until graduation.

Blah @ that.

I'm still confused about my career path. I mean, yeah my major is journalism, but do I really like to write that much that I want to work for a newspaper? Not really. Well...maybe. Only if I was a columnist. Some call me spoiled...I call me picky. Ultimately, I'd love to be working in PR, whether it be owning my own company, or helping someone run theirs. I could work for a magazine too, online or print.

I was recently presented with an opportunity to write for a beta blog about all things media from a "brown" POV, so I'm excited about what that could do for my writing, in terms of improving it, as well as getting some of it out there, and some more experience. Keep a look out for that...I'll let you know when it drops. (Jeri, I know you will probably get mad at me for not mentioning it, SORRY!!).

It's funny because for so long I would never let anyone know that I was unsure of what I want in my future. I'd lie and say I wanted to do one thing, knowing damn well, I didn't want that, and wondering to myself if I wanted anything for me. Now I'm not afraid to admit that I am not entirely sure what it is I want in terms of my employment future. I guess it's because before I felt abnormal, like I was the only one. Over the last couple months I've come to find out that that couldn't be further from the truth.

Lately, both me and Jeri have been trying to figure our lives out, and what makes that fun is being able to do that together. Knowing somebody has your back, your hand, and anything else you need for support. Y'all have no idea how much this helps. Thanks babes.

Anyway, keep a look out for ya boy! Whether it be Reginald Cunningham, or Reggie Noble....I'm on my way up! Ain't I got it goin on?

Saturday, March 21, 2009

So I'm sitting on twitter (which I am now totally addicted to), and I received some advice from a friend. I mentioned to her that I was bored as hell, and she said whenever I'm bored, I should write...so here we go. Keep in mind, there is no format to this...just my free flowing thoughts...

So...

What's really hood with the Rams? I can't wait for the draft, then the new football season. I'm really hoping that they draft Aaron Curry. Really sad they released Orlando Pace and Torry Holt...but such is the business in the NFL.

Been watching movies all afternoon. The Last Boyscout just came on...haven't seen that in forever. We'll see if it holds my attention.

I'm wondering if I'm abnormal...this is for a few reasons. First off...I don't take anything seriously. I guess I just don't like worrying myself. I don't know. Second...I don't let my past situations effect similar ones in the future. That is to say, if I had a bad situation with a female, and I move on to another, and the same situation arises...I don't place the burdens of the past female on the present. I don't know why it's easy for me not to...it just is. It's so easy for me to let things go...and I don't know if that's normal. Is it?

This pepperoni stick is delicious.

Looking forward to spring break...need a break from school....hell I need to graduate while we talkin' lol.

Working on getting this internship in Columbus, OH with Favor Magazine (www.favor-mag.com). Talked to the CEO, Pamela Lowery, today...supposed to send her some writing samples...resume'. We'll see how that turns out...

Why is it so hard for people to see the opposite side of an equation? You and your boyfriend/girlfriend have a disagreement, and because you refuse to see the other side...or acknowledge what they are saying, you get absolutely no where.

Don't get me wrong...I by no means am perfect, and am definitely guilty of this.

Why not acknowledge the other side though? Does that not make your argument stronger? I've always learned that acknowledging the opposing view point is vital in formulating a strong counter-argument.

Monday, March 9, 2009

So...have you ever had one of those times where you've felt like writing and not really knew what to write? That's where my mind is at right now, so if this seems kind of random, please excuse me.

Chris Brown and Rihanna - So, I come into my room and turn on the television, and see that CNN is on. What disturbed me, was seeing 4 panelist arguing...not over Obama rescinding the bands on stem cell research....not over the withdrawl of troops in Iraq...but over Chris Brown, and Rihanna. Really CNN? Y'all couldn't find anything better to talk about? Wow. Where is this world headed?

Who Watches the Watchmen? Saw The Watchmen on thursday night...again on sunday. I happened to really like it, and it made me really want to see the movie. The story line was way deeper than I thought it would be. I thought the character arcs/development was very deep. The movie was basically a study of human nature, and I thought they did a great job.

Constantine...so I had an experience the other night...totally crazy. Had three "dreams in a row" that kinda had me shook. The third dream was the creepiest. Had just said a prayer for a peaceful sleep because of the prior 2 dreams, and as soon as I feel asleep...I felt like I woke up and couldn't move at all...couldn't open my mouth...etc. I felt like something was beside the bed, and I heard something talk in my ear. It felt like a demon presence, and it freaked me out. I actually got up and got in the bed with Mom...the first time I had done that in almost 15 years. I did some research on occurences like that, and came upon sleep paralysis. It said something about your body putting itself in paralysis while in REM sleep mode. It said sometimes your conscience wakes up but your body is still sleep, so essentially you're paralyzed. It mentioned that in a lot of cases, the person experiences hallucinations, and a feeling of weight on your chest etc. Basically all of the things I was experiencing. Interesting phenomenon. I wanna learn more about it, but I don't wanna scare myself lol.

Friday, February 27, 2009

So, I've finally encountered it. I always say I have had no one close to me every be in any real mortal danger. Last year my grandfather was diagnosed with breast cancer, and he had a lumpectomy, and the cancer was supposedly gone. in January, they found another lump in his chest, and this morning he had a double lumpectomy. It's crazy because I was really afraid.

It's crazy...the department he's in is called "same day surgery." Wtf? The told my grandfather before he went in today that he would most likely be able to go home today. Uh...nigga....no. You cut his CHEST OPEN!! Same day surgery...sounds like fast food to me. Reminds me of that car fixing commercial. "IN...UP...FIX...OUT!!"

Thankfully, he's out of surgery, and doing ok, however it really put some things in perspective for me. I've got some praying to do.

On a lighter note, for the first time in a long time, it feels so good to be around my family. Jeri is driving up too, so she'll get to meet about half of my aunts and uncles. She's nervous, but I'm actually excited.

We came to the conclusion that she's no longer going to move down in June, which depressed me a great deal. In terms of money, and with this jacked up economy, it's probably the smart thing to do....but whatever...that ain't what I want lol. A whole 'nother year. It sucks to be frank. But I think we're strong enough to make it work. I love her so...and I just want her closer.

I'm so ready to be done with school. Only one more year hopefully, and by the grace of God I'll have my degree. I am so ready to get back in the work force. Get to making money...having my own...building. I'm just excited to see what God has in store for me and my future. We'll see....

Sunday, February 22, 2009

-the obligation or responsibility imposed on a person in whom confidence or authority is placed: a position of trust.

-the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

Trust...it's such a fickle thing...

I always tell people that I look at it in two different ways, and I compare them to getting grades from teachers. You have those teachers that will tell you at the beginning of the semester you have an A, and it's your job to keep it. Then, you have those instructors that will tell you that you have to do this, that, and the other in order to earn an A.

...I would be the former...

Nonetheless...I wonder what people really think about the word trust sometimes. I'm curious to know whether people really know what they are saying when making the statement, "I trust you." Trust is such a deep notion, and means so much and too many people, I think, take the true meaning of the word for granted.

Frank Crane once said, "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you don't trust enough." Personally? I'd rather be deceived. I know it's a weird notion for some of y'all out there, but 'tis is true of me. I can't even begin to imagine living my life being suspicious of everyone around me. I'm not saying I trust eeveryone I encounter wholeheartedly, but I'm not suspicious either.

Now I'm not by any means saying that changing your views on trust, or even that trusting someone is easy, so don't go ranting off at me about any of that. I'm simply asking some of y'all to think about some things.

If you're in a relationship, and you tell your s/o that you trust them, think about exactly you are saying. I'm sure all of us have had times where someone's told you they trust you, but their actions showed otherwise. I think so often we say we trust our mate, then question their actions because deep down we don't trust them!

In regards to your friends...think about the message you are sending when saying "I trust you." Some of us trust our best friends about as far as we can throw them...yet will tell them in a quick second, "You know you my dog...I trust you cuz!!"

Look...I understand that trust isn't easy. But why live your life scared that someone is always being dishonest with you?? It only holds you back, and gives people control over you. Eff that!!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Open my eyes......beholding the curves of your supple skinoverjoyed that...for the first time...I'm waking up in happiness...next to happinessWrap my hands around your hipsslide them along the dip......in your backSkin soft like......fresh picked cotton in slaves' bagsSee...you are my sunrise and sunsetSomething beautiful to behold when I wakeA lovely sight to see before...slipping off to dreams of youRising in the morning to see my dreams come trueInhaling your essence...marveling at your presenceEnjoying it nonethelessSee......awaking next to you is God's blessinga wingless angel to live for...give toa true definitionof...unabashed love

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I'm like...totally astounded.So sunday after service, my mother wanted to stick around and find one of her friends from Agape, saying that she had been on her heart. Upon finding her they began to chat, me and Vernon just kind of sitting around waiting for her. Finally the woman's husband came up to me saying he was wanting to talk to me, and had been wanting to ask my opinion on something.

We talked for a while about black issues in America, and in the middle of the conversation, he mentioned that I had a lot to say, and I should write a book. He said that being a good writer was God's blessing to me, and it was meant to be shared with the world. This caught me so off guard, because I hadn't really considered writing a book before, but now I am actually really considering it. I'm thinking that it would consist of my ideas about what's wrong with Black America, and what we can do as a people to improve upon it.

Now I've had people suggest that I do things before, but there was something about this time that really struck me. It made me feel like I am really supposed to do this, like God wants me to. It felt like God wanted that whole conversation to happen, just so he could tell me to share my thoughts with the world, and I'm listening to him.

I'm not really sure what EXACTLY I want to say in my book...but I think I'm going to do it. What y'all think?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

...I'm realizing every day just how wonderful of a woman I have. She's wrote some really very powerful blogs on her blogsite, http://expressionssoffreedom.blogspot.com/ , the last couple days. She has been through so much in her life, way more than I know most women could probably deal with...yet she is here and she is strong. Sometimes I feel like I am not understanding her right...or we are crossing signals. We aren't by any means perfect...but I do think that we are perfect for each other. She excites me...she's wonderful in every way...and I wouldn't change a thing about us. Well...maybe I'd change the fact that she's six hours away because that sucks major donkey nuts...but as far as our relationship...our history...I don't think I would change anything. I really do think she is one of the most remarkable women I've ever met...and she is God's blessing for me. She asked me the other day if I felt like God made one person for you in this world to be with...and I'm rethinking some of my answer. I honestly feel like Jeri was made perfect for me...and I'm so excited!!

So next weekend I get to show her her first Valentine's Day...and I really hope she enjoys herself. I know I'm a student on limited funds...but I think I did good. ;) I'll let y'all know...

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Since waking up yesterday and turning on the first coverage of the Presidential Inauguration, I have been virtually speechless, searching for the words to speak…write. I have struggled with a way to being this, and within the last two minutes four words came to me that epitomize all of my feelings: overwhelmed, joyous, happy, exited…

Yesterday I was inspired….

Yesterday I fought back tears as I watched a Black man become America’s first Black President, even before the actual swearing in. I cheered, clapped, and hugged my family as I watched not just the Black choice, but America’s choice, become the 44th President of the United States of American. It has been a long time coming.

On January 20th, 2009, the United States felt the weight of history being lifted from the backs of Blacks like shackles being loosed from the bodies of slaves. I watched as more than two million people of all colors stand on their feet in freezing weather to cheer on a man in which who’s hands they have placed their trust and faith. I will be able to share with my children stories of how history was made; just like my grandparents shared stories of the Jim Crow South with my parents; and how their parents before them shared stories of slavery.

Since before the abolition of slavery in 1865, Black Americans have lived with a tremendous burden on their shoulders that most feared would never be lifted. Even 100 years later, following the Voting Rights Act, Blacks everywhere were still disenfranchised and discouraged when it came to voting. At that time Blacks everywhere held onto the words of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., which resounded a message of affirmation and patience. You see, Dr. King knew we would get to the Promised Land…eventually. He was content with not making it there himself, as he knew no matter what, his fight, his preaching, his prayers would prove to be worth the struggle.

Yesterday, Blacks from all walks of life sang in united praise because they feel their prayers are finally being answered; and they began to wake up from what was before viewed as Dr. King’s “pipe” dream. I think Poet Elizabeth Alexander said it best in her inaugural poem:

Say it plain, that many have died for this day. Sing the names of the dead who brought us here, who laid the train tracks, raised the bridges, picked the cotton and the lettuce, built brick by brick the glittering edifices they would then keep clean and work inside of.

Praise song for struggle; praise song for the day.

Obama’s speech was very powerful, and painted a sobering reality for me. It was not full of the usual “pomp and circumstance” that I would imagine a lot of other speeches have contatined. It created a picture of an America with very real problems:

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet. These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics.

We are in for a fight…and it’s a fight that will not be easy. As President Obama has stated many times before, things will get harder before they get better. They will, nonetheless, get better. And just like Dr. King, President Obama has been to that same mountaintop, and he has also seen the Promised Land. As he further stated in his inaugural address, we as Americans have chosen “…hope over fear, and unity of purpose over conflict and discord.”

Black people!!! Don’t get it twisted!! This is not the fulfillment of Dr. King’s dream, and we have in no way “arrived.” With great power comes great responsibility, and I feel that responsibility rests on all of our shoulders, not just our new President. WE HAVE GOT TO BE BETTER!! We have to take advantage of the education opportunities we do have!! Our elders have fought much too hard for our right to that education. We have got to realize that there are other options available for us besides rapping, basketball, and football (no offense to my rapper or athlete friends!). It is official now, that when a yong Black child hears “you can be anything you want”, they can truly believe it with all of their heart!! I am going to steal something Barack said and apply it to us:

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the fainthearted -- for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path toward prosperity and freedom.

This means we have to WORK!! We have to stand on our own two feet, with upright backs. As Dr. King said, “Whenever men and women straighten their backs up, they are going somewhere, because a man can not ride your back unless it is bent.” We have to continue believing, because soon we will reach that Promised Land. We can do anything as a people, and we must do everything we can as responsible citizens and powerful Black men and women if we are going to reach that place. We as Black people must reach that point where “…..we are ready to lead once more”.

In today’s sharp sparkle, this winter air, anything can be made, any sentence begun.

On the brink, on the brim, on the cusp -- praise song for walking forward in that light. - Elizabeth Alexander

Monday, January 12, 2009

Yeah yeah yeah...don't say anything. I know the last couple times I wrote, I promised to start writing more consistently (yeah shut up) but I'm serious now! Lol

So...I think with the help of someone very special...I'm finally finding out who I am...what kind of man I want to be...and finding out what it is I want.

I want to be my own boss...I want 3 kids...I want to be financially comfortable...I want my family to be proud to call me the head of household...I want to get my finances together...and I want to serve God in the process. I can't even begin to explain how excited I am about what the future holds for me...us....

...yes us.

So I've known this certain young lady since 2005...and it has certainly been a rollercoaster ride. I think we both have grown so much...and thusly have become better for each other. After my last couple of situations, I think I stopped believing in love...stopped believing that I deserved to be happy with someone...stopped believing that I could be happy. She has renewed in me not only a fire to be a better man...but a fire to lead my life right...to please God. She makes me feel so good about just being me...and I feel like I'm enough for once. For the first time I feel truly and without a doubt like a man. For the first time in my life...I think I'm trying to live for the future and not just for the now. Jeri Kelli Austin...thank you. Baby...I love you.

Hopefully after this semester...only one year left...then on to "our" future...and on to the man I am to become.

I guess you could say that for the first time in such a very long time...I'm happy. :o)