Hello my name is Nolan, and I am a sexual abuse survivor. It feels really strange saying it, but I know it to be true. It is really hard expressing what I am about to tell you because it happened over a span of years, four at first, and then picked back up briefly into adulthood. Why this happened, I will never know. Some of the scariest parts of this, is my memory. I remember the night it started, his touch, my feelings (confusion and curiosity), my fear, but I have trouble telling the story in chronological order. I know my perp very well because he belonged to my mother (for 10 years), but I now feel that I may have been abused by more than one person. I will only speak of one.

I was only 12 years old the night it happened. I had known my perp/abuser since the age of 8, and up till that point we didn't see eye to eye. I down right despised him. He was an abusive alcoholic that my mother would not kick out, but I wanted to, and I wasn't afraid of him. I remember spending the first few years being very nervous because I never knew what kind of mood he would be in, but because I was my mother's protector, I had to be ready for anything. For me, having to live like this was totally foreign. I came from a very laid back, morally sound family, so violence was unheard of in my psyche. As time went on, the abuser and I came to a mutual understanding, basically, agreeing to disagree. Since my father had not been around for a while, a need grew in me to have one around, so I gave him half a chance. I started going on fishing trips with him and my mom. He taught me how to drive (age 10-11). I just got used to him and his ways, though, I still stayed my mom's protector.

Needless to say, I relaxed myself with him, and thats when things changed. I noticed he started walking around nude when my mom wasn't home. It didn't really bother me because I was slightly curious about his manhood since walking in on him and my mom having sex, and wanted to know what it looked like. Things progressed from there and we started laughing, joking and playing around (like a father and son age 11-12). One day as we laughed and played around he grabbed my wrist and pulled it back to his crotch, and sort of held it there for me to feel his manhood. The action, at the time, puzzled me, but I let it go. Our relationship continued to grow until we were able to talk on a regular basis.

The day it happened was a strange day. We'd been home alone the entire day and I noticed he walked around nude that whole day, which did make me uneasy because he would look at me in odd ways. As night came and everyone started to bed, he came to me and asked me to meet him in the living room that night so we could talk. He said he wanted to talk to me about becoming a man. Being that I was 12, I was up for it. I ended up falling asleep, but he woke me up. I remember him standing over my bed, in his almost see through pajamas, beckoning me to come to the living room. As I sat up, I couldn't help but notice he was bulging down the side of his pj's. I kind of shook the thought and went to our location. I sat in a chair beside our sofa, where he sat. He stood up and the bulge showed itself again, this time, making me a bit uncomfortable. He asked me to sit on the sofa with him, and for some strange reason, I did. He started talking to me about sex, and asked me if I'd ever touched myself, which I had by that time (12 years old). I said no, and he said he would show me how. He pulled himself out of his pj's and began playing with himself. He stopped and asked me to do it for him. I said no, and that I liked girls, but he said that he was trying to teach me something and it was ok. I resisted for a minute, he kept pulling my hand, and I gave in. He pulled me closer, pulled my shirt up, and reached his hands down my pjs. I stopped and told him I like girls, and he says I know you do but its okay because I am teaching you something. After he came, he pushed me back and gave me oral sex. I will admit, it felt very good, but I knew something wasn't right. When it was over, he sat beside me, kissing and fondling me until I was hard again. I got up and went to my room.

I woke up for school the next morning, feeling weird about what had happened to me. Once I got to school, I started feeling dirty. I wanted to scream at my desk. I started looking around, wondering if anyone knew my secret. That day, I sat in silent torture. Once I got home, I went straight to my room and closed the door. Soon as my mom and brother left, he came to my room, and thats how I spent my evenings, almost everyday, from the age of 12 to 16.

I write to you with a numb feeling right now. Most of the time, I can't believe it happened, but other times I flashback to the moment, reliving every aspect. My story is actually much longer than this, but it has been shortened because of the amount of information I remember can be a bit overwhelming. In those years of my abuse, he told me he was in love with me, and about the other women he'd been sleeping with along with a host of other disturbing things. I started to fear him sleeping with my mother, to protect her, I purposefully made myself available to him. (this is where I stop....it gets too painful)

I live with so much now. How I function, I don't know? Sometimes I get so confused in my mind. I look at women and want them, and see men and have thoughts about them. The thoughts about men make me sick sometimes.....like a dirty thought. I have been with a few women, and loved it. I know I am heterosexual, but I don't feel like it sometimes. my story has many chapters that come and go. Some days its like it never happened, then others are a direct reminder. I get mad at myself a lot because I see my abuser on the street, and feel sorry for him. Hope my story helps someone.

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Every hidden secret will eventually find light

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