Dr. Thorpe: I know this woolly yarn face mask thing looks pretty ridiculous to us, especially in the context of somebody's weird wool fetish and everything, but seriously. Don't you want to have sex with that thing just a little bit?

Zack: A little bit? Pop a Fleshlight in that bad boy and I bet it would rock harder than a Yaddle rig.

Dr. Thorpe: The main problem with these things is that you can only use them for really satisfying heavy-duty sex purposes once before they're ruined. Kind of like a woman.

Zack: Also if you eat a hamburger while wearing one. Kind of like a woman.

Traci Lords goes on a journey of vengeance and squibs while making the same stupid face constantly.

About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.