SplooshChapter 3 - Ask JeevesWritten 2010.

"What's the prognosis?" John asked down his leg.Pulling a bandage tight around his ankle was Dr Beckett, who glanced across at him with an exasperated but sympathetic smile. "You've sprained your ankle.""Okay, so strap it up, dose me up and I'm out of here.""It's not that simple, Major. You've got a sprain in the first degree but if you exacerbate the injury, it could – will – become more severe. That will certainly keep you out of duty for several weeks."John planned several futile retorts but fortunately did not have to use them, as Rodney entered the infirmary, bouncing a fresh tablet in his hands. He set it next to a screen near a scanning device, fiddled for a bit and stepped back. Blue lines sketched out a rounded shape with a long neck, a thick tail and four flipper appendages. It looked small and unimportant, but definitely something to worry about if the measurements running down the side of the screen were correct.Elizabeth was only a few seconds behind Rodney, palms over her elbows as she viewed the schematic. She tossed a quick nod to John. "Carson told me that under no circumstances was I to let you walk all the way to my office, even on crutches.""I can get around pretty quick still, you just watch," John said, patting the crutches lying next to him. He squinted at the screen. "Beckett, don't you think that looks a lot like the Loch Ness monster?""I wouldn't know, Major," Carson replied, pulling especially hard on the bandage. "It's a bit hard to make a comparison to a creature no one has seen.""Or even proven to exist," Rodney scoffed.Everyone looked hard at the screen for a moment. Elizabeth darted a quick searching look between her three department heads, exhaled loudly and said, "Well, I don't think many people on Earth can make a personal comparison between Johnny Depp and a Wraith, but that doesn't mean they don't exist.""Don't you think Stargate Command would know if there was an alien living in Loch Ness?" Rodney demanded.Carson pinned the bandage on John's ankle and produced some tape that shrieked as it was prised away from the roll. He applied a couple of strips as he replied, "I suppose so, Rodney. But it's not going to throw up two fingers and declare that it comes in peace, now is it?"John shot him a look. "Whose side are you on anyway?"Elizabeth closed her eyes and shook her head.Minute beeps followed Rodney's fingers tapping over the electronic table and blocky Ancient text wiped over the diagram of the creature. "Alright, here we are. The Ancient Database.""Does it have Google?" John asked with a grin."No, more like an archaic and cranky version of Ask Jeeves," Rodney said to this. "You know, the one with the really unhelpful butler guy? Anyway, the point is I asked and I received."Silence interspersed with more beeping followed. Finally, Elizabeth prompted, "And what do you have to show us?""It's not exactly pronounceable, but it's in the database. Herbivore, harmless. But the interesting thing is, planet-wide sweeps with the sensors have only revealed one or none existing on the planet at any given time over several millennia.""That's impossible," Carson said. "Isn't it? Unless the species is asexual, of course."Rodney shook a finger at him. "That's what I thought. Then I saw this."What appeared to be a squiggly spider web encased the creature, forming a circular patch of azure blue on the screen. Several blank stares were openly exchanged among the group before Rodney roll his eyes and explained bluntly, "It's wormhole theory.""Stargates, right," John acknowledged."Not in this case. What we're looking at is a genetic mutation which allows a carbon-based life form to spontaneously create a stable wormhole around themselves."Elizabeth scanned the Ancient text top to bottom, resting her lips against her knuckles. She nodded to herself. "But what does that mean for us?""Could we harness this stable wormhole for our own use?" John asked, swinging his legs off the bed too fast and twitching as blood rushed back down to his ankle."Does that mean it could be the Loch Ness monster, just that it spends most of its time on this planet?" was Carson's contribution.Glaring at all of them as though they'd all started doing the chicken dance nude, Rodney muttered, "It...wouldn't be outside the realm of...pure imagination.""Come on, Rodney, it's the best explanation you've got for us," Sheppard told him."Fine, let's all believe the crazy story about a creature that doesn't even exist on our own planet, let alone anywhere in another galaxy! When you want to stop blaming our lack of ZedPM on Big Foot, I'll be slightly more inclined to answer your questions."John eased back against the pillow, levering his foot back onto the bed. He smirked at Rodney. "Next question is – how do we make sure it doesn't eat us?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Naturally, when someone called Doctor Beckett to the armoury, he suspected that yet another misfire or supposed accident had occurred. Despite lacking the time for a shower after the splash he endured on the West pier, he was mostly dry and wanted any other medical emergency than one pertaining to the Loch Ness monster.Carson entered the armoury at a dead run, lab coat flapping out behind him. He skidded to a stop and took in the scene. The room was empty but for a very healthy Teyla Emmagan, who looked none the worse for the morning's events. At this point, Carson looked around helplessly, tried to find some particular reason for being there but drew a blank."Doctor Weir believes that it would be best for all teams patrolling the city to be accompanied by a member of your department," Teyla explained. "And I agree.""What's this got to do with me?" Carson asked guardedly.The Athosian selected a hand gun from the arsenal and aimed it down the gallery at the man-shaped outline printed out on paper. She nodded and let it drop to her side, before turning and saying, "Major Sheppard expressed concern over your ability to handle yourself in such a situation. He ordered me to arm you.""What's the use, Teyla? It's all well enough to carry one around during a crisis, but I can't fire a weapon to save my life.""Then what if it was to save someone else's life?" Teyla probed.Carson glanced sharply at her. His shoulders lumped as he realised she'd got him there. Reluctantly, he shed his lab coat and joined her at the firing range. "Fine. Give it to me.""Do you know how to prepare the weapon?"Skirting his eyes away from the Beretta even as he took it from her, he chuckled unconvincingly. "I know enough to point the barrel away from myself.""A good start," Teyla assured. She settled her fingers over his and guided them on the weapon. "Safety – off."Even though it was the barest of clicks, Carson said nervously, "That doesn't sound very safe.""You then cock the weapon like this.""Seems easy enough," he said.The CMO extricated his hand from Teyla's firm grip and lined it up towards the far end of the wall. Squinting down at the target, he sighed and tightened his grip."Never close an eye when you aim with this type of weapon," Teyla warned. "You lose half your vision. Which is your dominant eye?""My right.""Sight with that eye. Don't rush, but keep it steady. And – squeeze."There was a delay of several seconds as Beckett kept both eyes on the silhouette he was staring down at, and then he fired one shot. The ensuing bang was both quieter and a good deal noisier than he expected and Carson dropped the Beretta."Oh God," he murmured. "Did I hit him?"Offering the paper target a apologetic smile and finding it unmarked, Beckett turned back to Teyla, who'd already picked up the gun. She passed it back to him."Again," she ordered.Three more attempts later and the weapon didn't leap out of Beckett's hands, though he'd only managed to notch a hole in the paper just off the shoulder of the target. This was enough for the doctor's nerves, which thankfully Teyla understood and directed him more towards the door.She selected a holster and BDU vest, adjusted the straps and stuck them on her mildly protesting subject. After she was satisfied with the fit, Teyla told him, "And you repeat the process until the magazine is empty.""Then what?""You hope that was enough to get the sucker," Aiden Ford said as he entered. "If not, reload."Carson grimaced. "Comforting."The Lieutenant snatched the weapon off him, sighted it briefly and flipped it as he passed it over. "Safety off, hammer down, one in the chamber. That's how we do it.""I think I'll be keeping the safety on, for the most part.""What brings you here, Lieutenant?" Teyla asked."I'm getting a harpoon – pretty sure I saw some down here," Ford replied, casing out the armoury before finding his goal. He flicked his fingers down the weapon, rubbed over a dirty spot and hoisted it. "Sheppard says you're in charge of our little party.""I see. Did he say where he wanted us to be?""South pier, I think.""You think," Teyla repeated, armed with a stern look."Okay, okay, I'll check."He ducked behind a trolley of plastic mannequins and started murmuring into his radio. Carson shifted uncomfortably in his new gear until he too earned himself a look. Without protest, he put the safety on and slipped the gun into the holster."Are you ready?" was Teyla's quiet challenge.Beckett looked down at himself and tried not to laugh nervously. The black BDU looked so out of place on his off-white shirt. After a moment, he lifted his eyes to hers and nodded."It's still bloody insanity," he said, to make sure she knew.Teyla's lips formed what could have been a smile. "Did I ever say it was not?"