I read a number of cancer related magazines so that I can pass along interesting, relevant information to all of you CancerDancers out there. Recently, I reviewed one called, "Coping with Cancer." On the cover, there is a picture of Betsey Johnson, fashionista and fun designer, grinning her face off. Inside she says "keep your sunny side up!" (According to the article, she "beat" breast cancer).

As some of you know, recently have been helping a friend who is dealing with a very serious cancer at a decision point in her treatment. And it has caused me to reflect on this journey of having chronic cancer. Before getting cancer, I pretty much thought that you either had it (chemo, baldness, tests, flowers and surgery) or you didn't (work, life, laundry, baseball and lasagna). But those extremes don't exist for me or my friend because our cancer is described as "chronic." That means that no one expects it to go away, we may get periods of respite between "episodes" but never expect it to be a past event. In short, like the Terminator, it just keeps coming. That is why people always ask me how long I have been in remission because I don't look like someone currently battling cancer. They think like I used to -- you're either in or out.

Okay, so I know that you are thinking, "Why is a nice jewish girl like Esther thinking about what to give up for Lent? Has the chemo finally turned Esther into a Catholic? Never heard of that side effect before..." Well, I am thinking about it because I think this year, it will be a good idea for me.

As the news of my health continues to be excellent, I have been able to put cancer in the backseat, somewhat. I still take my pills daily, and worry over every little pain, and travel to DC every three weeks to be poked and prodded by my doctors, but cancer is not clutching me and dragging me down into the spiral of fear and anger and self-pity and pain.