tulips

i remeber my mother,vividly her golden curly hair,her eyes a breath taking blue.always met me with a smile.her cheerfull laugh still echoes through my head.but cancer quickly took that all away..............

the air is cool.its dawn and the sun creeps through my window,dancing around the room.i fill the morning chill from my window from leaving it open the night before during my usual staring at the sky wondering if my mother floated around and watched over me ,as so many people told me as a way of comfort.to dealing with her death
i lay there motionless staring at my clock,645 am .theres a knock on the door,"janette" wake up were going to be late.its my 15 year old brother cameron.i ignore him."janette come on" he wines.i lay there still.i hear foot steps coming down the hall,slow heavy steps that i knew belong to my father.he knocks,then opens the door.i sit up .the look of his face saddened me,he looked worn dismayed and pale.sympathy fills me"ok,im getting up.they leave.i sit on the bed a moment staring at the closed door,a small bit of anger crept over me.how could they just get up and function and continue living ,that was somthing i couldnt accept,how they wanted me to move forward.when my whole world seemed frozen in time..it had only been two months.i throw on my clothes a pair of jeans and a disney shirt we had gotten on our last vacation as a family.
there were still days i would awake exspecting to smell the smell of bacon and eggs,in the morning,her cheerry voice as her and my father carried on through the morning.now are mornings consisted of cold cereal silence and vagness .
our usual morning begins i head down stairs .my father is sitting there in his dress shirt and pants,he works for a mortgage company,i notice the slight wrinkles in his shirt,the slightness of a beard coming in and i swallow back a lump in my throat realizing how bad this has effeted him too.my brother who was never big on appearance sat wearing his usual jeans and a green t shirt.we eat in silence,"did you remember to get your lunch money off the computer desk"my father ask not taking his eyes off his cereal.me and my brother answer similtaniously yes.he then gets up "ill be home at 5oo will just do some take out for dinner,theres a chore list for you both on the fridge."we always do take out which i cant complain my father couldnt boil hot dogs let alone cook a dinner.our fridge was crammed full lately of deli meats and our freezzer full of frozen dinners ,he grabs his keys and darts out the door."we better go cameron says or will miss the bus"i stare at him blankly he just sighs we get up grab are bags,and look at the fridge at our chore list.it says cameron mow lawn,janette clean up the kitchen."why do i always have to mow the freakin yard cameron whines.i roll my eyes and we walk out the door.as we pass our yard i see the yellow tulips me and my mom had planted shortly before she had passed.they were yellow and i remebered how she adored them and how beautifull they were and how excited she was when she bought them, she knew my favorite color was yellow they were planted by a pine tree,next to our yard chairs.i zoned out remebering the day we planted them together the memory of her in her big hat and capri pants and worn shirt us sitting and admired them in those chairs drinking iced tea.here comes the bus,cameron said quickening our pace we hurried to the stop.i hated taking the bus ever since mom died she used to always take us,she take us and our friends shelia and brent to school toghether,they were our friends from our youth group from church,i quit going. even more then i hated the fact that our school was intergrated.we lived in a small comunity .school went as usual a hazy blur of classes and past friends who would freeze and look away quickly and keep walking right past me not knowing what to say as if what happened to me was contagious.we get home i do the dishes.shortly after the phone rings cameron answers it .i sit at the computer checking my emails,of course nothing as usual."yea man cool ill be over "he hangs up he looks like a little boy grinning ear to ear shelia's going to be there at brents he says elated... he has a crush on shelia she ws the first girl he ever kissed during a truth and dare game at church camp one summer.i perk up and ask"you know your suppose to mow the lawn. i say sacasticly"come on janette dads not even going to notice"but he said! my voice growing demanding. ever since i couldnt help but to try to keep things calm i hated seeing my father a mess"ok,god your a pain in the ass ,he slams the door goes out into the garage in a hurry.i look out the window hes like a mad man in a hurry."he doesnt even pick up the yard before mowing and i sit looking out the window as debri flies around hitting and clanking everything as he runs over things.then i watch in horror as he nears the tree not paying attention,my mouth falls and before i could even move he mows down the tulips.i charged out the front door tears streaming.CAMERON!CAMERON i scream he turns the mower off ."what? he says wiping sweat off his face why are you crying,i ball up my fist and lunge he grabs me before i can hit him."you ran over me and moms tulips you jerk."growing defensive he jerks me back and with a confused look said" what tulips"?.i lunge at him again with my face red teeth exsposed. he grabs me again jerks me back.i stand there and stare at him with furry.a small exspression of sorrow creeps on his face"look im sorry it was an accident"well i hope your stupid girl friend was worth killing moms flowers!i screamed walking back towards the porch not wanting to see the hurt i knew i just caused him.he grabs my arm look "janette he says your not the only one going thru this,me and dad are hurting too.well i couldnt tell"i said tears streaming down my face the way the two of you go on in silence acting like its no big deal."look i know mom wouldnt want us to stop living she loved life and would want us to keep continuing to live ours and love life as well"said cameron.he lets go of my arm and storms out the gate of our yard.i run up stairs to my room slam the door and started to sob.i hear dads car pull up.i lay there i hear him come down the hall ."kids dinner he shouts"he walks for a bit knocks on my door,i ignore it.he knocks again opens it and sees me crying,he pauses he usually knows not to ask whats wrong cause he knows already why i cry he knows im greiving so he doesnt know whats just happened .he puts his hand on my shoulder sighs and says "it will be on the table when your hungry come down to eat,"wheres cameron he asks i ignore him,hes not worried cameron is always at brents.
i didnt come down that night .i fell into a long period of silence,i dindt talk to cameron or my dad for months unless i had to which soon turned into almost a year.
spring had come the days were getting warmer i was still in my isolated self.it was during our spring break i was in my room reading a magazine wo ndering why the women dressed in such extreme ways. i hear laughter i look out my window i see cameron and shelia sitting in the same two lawn chairs me and mom used.something drove me to get up i neeeded fresh air and had a need to be nosey.i walked out the front door towards them.they looked at me awkwardly i hadnt talked to them in some time and i think they were surprised to see me out of my room.i walk towards one of the chairs past the tree and stopped in shock.i notice that the tulips that had been mowed over had started to come back,i felt over joyed and had a n understanding come over me,that things change and that i needed to move on.because the cycle of life wasnt going to stop during times of a tragedy.i knew my mother was around me,the tulips alloud me to feel that,and cameron was right my mother loved life and she wouldnt want me to stop living mine.i sat in the chair and smiled at cameron and sheilia and said"so guys whats up"they responded in a surprised smile,and life went on from there.

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