Sex and Alcohol Study Proves Miami is the Happiest Place on Earth

Step off, religious fanatics. Contrary to popular opinion -- at least that of our nation's more god-fearing citizens -- having lots of sex and drinking lots of booze aren't just desperate expressions of the empty place in your soul where God's love should be. They make you happy.

Don't take our word for it. Just ask science.

A University of Canterbury psychology study has ranked the top ten activities that give human beings happiness. And guess what's at the top? Drinkin' and doin' it. That pretty much means that Miami -- long established as one of the world's party capitals -- is the happiest place on earth.

In UC psychology researcher Carsten Grimm's own happiness project, participants reported their feelings about a wide range of events, from dressing and washing themselves to updating their Facebook statuses. Grimm communicated with his sample via text message several times a day, at random times, to prove what everybody else already knew: that sex and liquor are an express train to Blissville, population: you and the rest of the world's degenerates.

One caveat, though:

Grimm said drinking alcohol or partying ranked second behind sex or making love in terms of happiness and pleasure but ranked 10th in terms of meaning.

So if you're choosing between another drink and another round in the sack with that model you picked up on South Beach, choose the model. Then vow never to complain about your first world problems ever again.