James Bond Battle Royale

The location: inside the dining cart of a moving train; the most used Bond fight location.

The rules: hand-to-hand combat, no weapons allowed (aside from what is inside the train), every Bond for themselves.

Before we see this battle royale, let’s take a closer look at each fighter and their respective styles.

SEAN CONNERY – Lean, mean and moves smoothly for a tall man. Early Connery is in great shape for that era. A swimmer’s body. His fighting style is ruthless, but still with a touch of class to it. He will be the thinking man’s fighter on the train.

GEORGE LAZENBY – His Bond fighting style was “bad ass.” In real life, George got the gig because he tested so well in the audition fight scenes. He actually broke the nose of the stunt man he tangled with. Just like Connery, in really good shape for that time. He will definitely take risks during the upcoming battle.

ROGER MOORE – All there is to say about Moore’s Bond fighting style is “judo chop!” Tall, in so-so shape, not much of a killer instinct in his scuffles. His charming personality won’t help him much on the train.

TIMOTHY DALTON – Think of him as Craig 1.0, but his fighting skills don’t necessarily match his no nonsense attitude. His face looks intimidating, but the rest of him not so much. His reputation will have to save him during the fight on the train.

PIERCE BROSNAN – If Dalton was Craig 1.0, Pierce was certainly Roger Moore 2.0 when it comes to ruthlessness. Brosnan has a few decent fights during his Bond tenure, but as the skinniest Bond he will have a lot to prove in the train Battle Royale.

DANIEL CRAIG – The bloody (literally), slightly insane Bond. Craig’s fighting style is similar to what we saw with the Bourne franchise. Craig’s Bond is in tip-top shape, but he is easily the shortest of the six men. But he is the scrappiest.

The train dining cart is empty, aside from the fully stocked bar and the tables. Our six Bonds are alone and sizing one another up. Brosnan and Moore are the easy targets and Lazenby and Dalton don’t hesitate to mix it up. Craig and Connery don’t engage just yet. Moore puts up a surprisingly good fight against Dalton, while Brosnan is having trouble with the much rougher Lazenby.

Connery jumps in against Moore, as the two actors who made the most 007 movies tangle. Connery dispatches Moore with the help of champagne bottle and a chair. He tosses Moore out of the window of the speeding train. Even at the end, Moore looks smashing. Lazenby finishes off Brosnan, who is grunting and sticking out his chin, with such a wild haymaker that it knocks Pierce out cold.

Connery turns his attention to Dalton and roughs him up badly. Craig and Lazenby engage in a frenetic brawl, but George’s old-fashioned brawler ways are no match for Daniel’s “whatever it takes” attitude. Brosnan awakens only to be bashed over the head with a whiskey bottle by Lazenby, and then Craig jams a butterknife into Brosnan’s neck and waits for him to bleed out, and he turns his attention back to Lazenby.

Connery strangles Dalton after delivering a beatdown that leaves Tim as bruised as he looked after he fought Sanchez in Licence To Kill. Craig chokes-out Lazenby with a long bar dishrag. Now we are down to the final two. Connery vs Craig. Sean uses his size advantage with his arm reach. Daniel hunkers down and uses his scrappy fighting style. Bottles, tables, chairs are all used during this confrontation. Connery thinks he has the upper hand as he stomps down on Craig, but Craig grabs a hold of Connery’s leg and flips him. Craig then tries to get Connery in a sleeper hold the same way he did to that Ugandan in Casino Royale. Connery does his best to shake Craig off, but after a long fight it’s no use. Connery loses this train fight.

Five Bonds dispatched. Craig’s Bond, a bloody mess as always, drinks a bottle of vodka at the bar while looking at himself in the mirror.