Rules of Thumb for Surviving Your Partner's Family This Holiday Season

As the holiday season approaches the opportunities to break bread with your significant other's family arise, and your exclusive twosome will expand. As I make travel arrangements to visit my boyfriend's family for Thanksgiving, I'm reminded of a New Year's I spent a few years ago meeting his large clan. We're talking a mom, a dad, three sisters, five aunts, five uncles, 12 cousins, two dogs, and one handful of a grandmother. I was terrified. It's hard enough to find a mate and fall in love; it's a whole other hurdle getting his family to fall in love with you.

You'll have to put in some effort to gain the love of his/her family, just the way you did with him/her in the early stages of your relationship. It's not just about meeting the parents; it's about dating them and sustaining a relationship. Here are some things to remember before passing the stuffing.

I'd love to tell you that it doesn't matter if your significant other's parents like you, but guess what: It does. Whether he realizes it or not, your boyfriend's mother is his consummate model of womanhood. Failing to meet her standards will likely cause some red flags to be raised, and you better believe she will make her opinions known. The same goes for a woman and her father. (Unless, of course you are in a same-sex relationship, then you'd better just live up to everyone's standards to be on the safe side.)

On the other hand it may not be as important if crazy Uncle Craig isn't your biggest fan. If your significant other's mildly senile grandmother stares at you with disdain upon your arrival to a family gathering but his/her mom and dad are first in line to greet you with a hug, don't spend all night wondering how to make grandma love you. It might just not happen.

Make Your Own Decisions

Dating your significant other's family is largely an exercise in respect. Sure, you may feel like you know your SO better than anyone, but were you there when he had his head stuck in the railing? Do you remember the troubles he had when he was potty training? I didn't think so. Yes, the family will have opinions on the major events in his life, and those events may have to do with you. Honestly, sometimes they deserve to share their opinions. Accept that your families may discuss your private issues and consider their thoughts, but be sure to always make final decisions behind closed doors, as a couple.

Don't Get Too Chummy

If you don't go into work on Monday morning and share with the president of your company that you lost your wallet and dignity over the weekend while tripping drunkenly out of a cab, then your significant other's parents probably don't need to hear it either. Having the kind of respect for yourself and for them to be honest while retaining the foresight to censor inappropriate miscellany will get you far in the family-dating game. They'll want to get to know you, but this isn't confession. Save the unloading of your sins for Sunday brunch with your besties.

Be Yourself

When I was younger, and in a relationship that failed, I spent a lot of time trying to suck up to my then-boyfriend's parents. I took my nose ring out when I went to his house, I played up my Catholic upbringing to his very religious parents, and my voice mysteriously went up an octave while speaking to them. Do you know what that got me? A sore nose, a guilty conscience, and an ex-boyfriend. And I still don't think they liked me very much—probably because they could see right through me (not to mention the hole in my nose). Even if someone doesn't like you, they'll appreciate you for being genuine. So if you snort when you laugh or make terrible puns, just let it out. That's far more loveable than being disingenuous.

Just the Two of Us

It's called a couple for a reason. If he tells his family how awesome you are, and how happy he is with you, they'll like you, too. No amount of effort choosing the right outfit or sending the right holiday note will ever amount to how happy you can make their son, daughter, brother, sister, cousin, grandson, etc. So what if you smack your lips when you eat or track mud into the house? All of that can be forgivable if you make him smile.