Trailer Park Boys s07e04 Episode Script

Friends of the Road

Ray: Hey buddy. Isn't she something? Bubbles: Ray, you're two hours late. Ray: Had to do a couple of things bud. Bubbles: Ah! There's ladies up in my seat. Ray: You know, they needed a ride to Maine. I don't see it's any big deal. It's not going to slow us up. Bubbles: They're ladies of the evening! Ray: Friends of the road, buddy. Bubbles: Open it up. I'll load the carts on. No really, Ray, I'll get em. Don't worry about it. Ray: Come on, you got her bud. Good work Bubbs. [Clapping] Good work buddy. Bubbles: I was joking! I could use some help. [music] Julian: [shouting] Ricky, wake up! Rick! Ricky! Get up! [banging on door] Ricky: Hey man. Little early, isn't it? Julian: I gotta show you something. Ricky: Watch where you step man, there's fucking frogs in here again. Julian: Here, check that out. Ricky: [reading] Dear boys, Ray is driving me Julian: Here, give me that. [reading] Ray is driving me to Maine to make a little money on scrap and I'm going to that train convention I told you about. I need you to feed Shitrock and the Purr-monster. Back in a few days, Bubbles. Ricky: Well, don't worry about it. I mean, he's with my dad. He'll be alright. Woman 1: Want a beer, Ray? Ray: Oh god, yes. Thanks baby. Mandy: How's that feel Ray? Ray: Oh Mandy, that's perfect. Bubbles: Ray! Ray: Bubbs, way of the road buddy. Way of the road. Bubbles: Yeah, well the way of Bubbles is that I'm not missing this train convention [whispering] cause you're doing greasy stuff. Ray: Geez, buddy, come on. Bubbles: What time did Shitty say to meet him? Ray: Eight o'clock in Skowhegan, buddy. Bubbles: Eight in Skowhegan. Well listen Ray, you get drunk tonight and do your thing. First thing in the morning, we're back on the road. I'm not missing Sebastian, he's on at four. Ray: Hey, Bubbs. Bubbles: Hot hamburg sandwiches! Ray: Equals hot "pull the fuck over". I'm starving. Hot hamburg sandwiches, girls. Okay. That was great. Mandy thanks. You're wonderful. Hey Bubbs, hey buddy. Can you get a picture of both you and me in front of the American flag there? Bubbs: Yeah Ray. Yeah, alright. I'll wind her up here. Ray: Got her? In America buddy. Bubbles: America! Ray: Got the flag? Bubbles: I think so. Smile. Ray, these pictures turned out excellent. Ray: Well that's a great shot Bubbs, love that one. Hey, I like those guys. Who are those girls? Bubbles: I was taking a picture of the truck Ray. Ray, look, I checked stainless steel this morning. It's going through the roof. I mean, even after we take out rig rental, gas money, food and liquor and Shitty's cut, four grand each! Ray: Hi! Paradise: Hi. Ray: I'm Ray. Paradise: Paradise. This is Sandy Mason. Ray: Hey Sandy, Hey Paradise. Nice meeting you. I've got the big black rig out front, S&B on the side. Paradise: Right, I saw it out there. You got a, you got a mattress in there? Ray: In the back, of course, yeah. Bubbles: We're just passing through. We don't have time to talk. Nice to meet ya's though. Very nice. Ray! Ray: Paradise! Bubbles: Back off! Do we gotta take somebody with us every time we leave? Ray: It's way of the road Bubbs. You meet people. That's what happens when you are on the road. Bubbles: Well, can't it just be the two of us driving alone instead of ladies of the evening? Ray: They're friends of the road Bubbs, and they're not going to be there the whole time. Come on, Bubbs, be hospitable. Bubbles: Ray, I didn't want to have to say this. It's awkward and uncomfortable. Ray, that fucking gravy? Unbelievable! Ray: Best gravy in all of Maine, down here buddy. Bubbles: I don't know how they make it, it's so thick. Ray: Oh, it's a lot of hamburger shit, and chicken shit. They put it all together. Oh fuck Bubbles, listen. Can you go back and get Shitty a twelve pack of beer. I forgot. Would you mind? Woman: Hey there, do you boys like to party? Bubbles: No actually, we don't like to party. We like to get back on the road. Ray: Actually I, I like to party. Come on. Okay, well listen, you're going to have to be quick cause Bubbles is going to be back here any minute, okay? Um, let me just um fucking get rid of this. Um. Woman: Hon, you gotta pay up front. Ray: Yeah, yeah, okay. Let's do it. What the fuck is this? Woman: You're under arrest for soliciting prostitution. Ray: What! Soliciting prostitution. That's prostitution. What do you think that money was for? That? No, who the hell are you? You're not even a real cop. This is bullshit. Ack! What are you guys doing. Something else. Bastards. Bubbles: [Humming] [sound of Ray shouting] You guys are going to hear about this. I am a Canadian citizen. This is an illegal arrest in the United States of America. I want to drive back to Canada. You guys are, you are going to have a lot of explaining to do. You want to start explaining now, cause it's, there's going to be a lot of trouble. My government. Bubbles: [groaning] [shouting] No, I'm not going. I didn't do anything wrong. That's horseshit and you know it. I want your name. You're going to be hearing from my government. I'm a citizen of the government of Canada Bubbles: Fuck! Ray: I'm in a lot of shit. Bubbles: Bubbles. [sound of phone ringing] Julian: Hello? Bubbles: Julian, oh my fuck. Ray fucked up. He's busted. I got no money. I'm at a truck stop right off of airline route number Julian: Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles, slow down. Slow down. Relax. Bubbles: I'm in Bangor Maine, Julian. I don't know it's a truck stop. Highway 301 or something. I have no money. I'm scared shitless. I don't know what to do. You gotta come and get me. That's all there is to it. You take the new ferry Julian, you'll be here in less than seven hours. Please, I'm scared. Get Lucy to look after Shitrock and the Purr-monster. Julian: Alright, alright, I promise I'll look after Shitrock and the Purr-monster. Just don't move where you're at okay. Just stay right there. Bubbles: I'm fucking scared Julian. Hurry up. Julian: Just don't move from where you're at, okay? Bubbles: Holy Fuck! [moaning] Ricky: Only two miles from the border. Julian: Pull over. Ricky: Why? Julian: Ricky, just pull over. Okay, get out. I'm driving. Ricky: Why, what are you talking about? Julian: Rick, we're crossing into the US, we gotta make sure there's no dope in this car. Ricky: They're not going to search up there. Julian: They're going to search everything Ricky. Ricky: Fuck! Julian: That would have landed us in jail for ten years. That's not good. Keep looking. Ricky: Are they really that fucked down there? Julian: They're fucked. Bubbles: Shitty! Shitty, it's Bubbles. Yeah listen, bud. The rig got seized. Ray got busted. Yeah, whores. I think he's in deep shit Shitty. I'm fucking here all alone. I don't know what I'm going to do. Just tell Rusty in Skowhegan, we're not going to be there. The deal's off. I'm sorry. Alright, you too Shitty. Thanks bud. Ricky: Oh man, are they ever getting fucked over. You're supposed to throw your dope away before you get to the border. You fucked up. [barking sound] Shut the fuck up. Julian: Ricky, are you sure there's no dope in here? Ricky: I'm pretty sure Julian. There's a couple of cracks and stuff, I think I got rid of all of it. Julian: Pretty sure? Rick, you've got to be a hundred percent. Border Guard: What's your business in the US? Julian: Shopping at the factory outlets in Calais. What? Border Guard: Go ahead. Julian: Are you sure? Border Guard: You want me to pull you over and search your car? Julian: No, no, that's fine. Border Guard: Go! Julian: Alright, thank you Officer. Ricky: That's fucking it? You made me throw my dope away for that? Now we got no fucking dope down here. Voice over telephone: In the movie Meatballs, who played the crazy camp counselor? One, Marlon Brando. Two, Bill Murray, or Three, Tom Hanks. [sound of phone beeping] Voice over telephone: You're absolutely right. Bill Murray. Bubbles: Ah, no kidding! That was easy. Whoooo! Ricky: Fuck, I hope he didn't leave. Where the fuck is he? Julian: There's a phone booth. Ricky: Holy fuck, that's him. He's in the phone booth. Julian: Bubbles. [fingers snapping] Bubbles, are you okay? Bubbs, it's us! Bubbles: [shouting] Ricky: Bubbs, it's us. It's okay. We're not going to hurt you. Julian: You're just in shock man. Bubbles: Train convention. Julian: Yeah, yeah, train convention, remember that? Ricky: Julian, keep talking about the trains. Snap him out of it. I'll get the car, alright. Bubbles: Holy fuck Julian. I'm tired. I haven't slept in like twenty- five hours. Trains. Julian: Lay down Bubbles, get some sleep. Bubbles: I can't sleep Julian. Ricky: Julian, we're not really going to this fucking train convention are we? Julian: Yes. Ricky: I got no dope. I can't deal with fucking training modeling with no dope. Julian: Rick, we're doing this for Bubbles. I'm worried about him. He needs us. He needs to relax. Let's just try to have some fun and stop worrying about dope. Ricky: Fine, I'll fucking go, but I gotta find some fucking dope, Julian. He is fucking banged up. Julian: Hey Bubbs. Bubbs, wake up. Bubbles: Reindeer, reindeer. Julian: Wake up, buddy. We're here. Bubbles: What? Where are we? Where's Ray? Julian: We're at the convention. Bubbles: Oh, let's rock some beers. Julian: Let's go check out some trains, come on man. Ricky: Well, let's set up camp first while we still got the light. [loud music] [crowd cheering] Sebastian Bach: Hey guys! What the fuck's going on! Sebastian's Handler: Sebastian please, no swearing. Sebastian Bach: Hey, who here loves trains? I'll get ya inside. What's up dude? Hey how's it going? How long am I going to do this? Sebastian's Handler: Hour, hour and a half tops. Sebastian Bach: That's all I'm giving you. You better get me some fucking Sebastian's Handler: I'll get you some fucking weed. Don't I always hook you up? Ricky: Two bucks a pack? In jail? Fuck, I should get arrested, come in and hang out with you. No, I know. Alright. Well you take care of yourself in there buddy. Love you dad. Okay, see you. Bubbles: How's Ray doing? Ricky: Not too bad. He got three months, which is pretty good for whores. Just needs some cigarette money, he's going to meet us back at the park. Do you guys know how fucking cheap cigarettes are here? It's ridiculous. Bubbles: Ricky, let's go in and look at some trains now. Come on. [music] Announcer: Tyson Trains is proud to present our competitive model train world champion, Sebastian Bach. [loud music and cheering] Sebastian Bach: You know, I was told that I wasn't supposed to swear in here tonight. But I know, I just know, that there is some great fucking trains here in Bangor. Bubbles: Oh, boys, check it out! Decent. Ricky: Hey, got any dope? Hey, do you guys smoke dope? Got any hash, bottle tokes? Smoke dope, got a roach around here? Who's got dope around here? Julian: Smarten the fuck up. Bubbles: Boy, check out the train sets. Look at the fucking detail. Little cars, little people. Amazing! Holy fuck, boys. Sebastian Bach is on stage. That is him! Little girl: How'd you get into model railroading Sebastian. Sebastian Bach: Great question. Couple of tours back, me and the guys woke up one morning. We'd stolen a model train from somewhere the night before. Crazy fucking night. I don't know, we didn't really remember but we set it up and geez, before we even knew it, we weren't even drinking in the daytime any more. We were just playing with that train. I fucking love model train railroading man. That's how I became a champion. Little boy: Yeah. Who holds first place in weight pull this year? Sebastian Bach: That would be Patrick Swayzie. Little boy: Damn right! Bubbles: Well Sebastian Bach and Patrick Swayzie, those guys have a rivalry going on hard and, I mean, the gossip is that Sebastian is very jealous of Swayzie's train and you can't blame him. It's a fucking nice train. Little boy: Is it true that you backed down from a fight with him last year? Bubbles: Apparently Sebastian got fed up last year at the World Championships in Copenhagen, and he told Patrick Swayzie to fuck off. [laughing] Swayzie wouldn't fuck off though, he challenged him to a fight right in front of everybody. Sebastian Bach: As I told everybody, I was sick with the fucking flu. I didn't back down from shit! Little boy: Bullshit you had the flu, you had the "I'm afraid of Patrick Swayzie". Bubbles: You know what, Patrick Swayzie uses illegal parts. That's why he's winning all the time. Maybe you should stop hurting people's feelings. Sebastian Bach: Guys, if you want to talk about Patrick Swayzie all fucking night, then it's over for here for me right now. Sebastian's handler: Sebastian, dude, you gotta chill with this Swayzie shit, alright? Sebastian Bach: Dude, I'm kind of busy with chicks. Alright? Alright? What are you, my mum? Sebastian's handler: I'm glad you cheered up a little bit. Sebastian Bach: Well, what else can we do to cheer up tonight? Julian: Let's go check out the Swayzie Express man, come on. Ricky: I'm just going to go to the bathroom. Really nice to meet you. Sebastian Bach: Hey, you know what, tell your buddy I said thanks for sticking up for me out there. Ricky: I will, and you know what? He was wondering if you know where to get some weed. We're from Canada and can't find nothing. We're just dying for a toke. Sebastian Bach: I don't do drugs. Ricky: Yes, you do. I saw you on the cover of High Times. I know you smoke dope. Sebastian Bach: I'll meet you in the parking lot, alright. I'll see you there in about an hour or so. Ricky: Fucking awesome. Sebastian Bach: Here you go. Ricky: No, I'm good thanks. Sebastian Bach: [laughing] Yes! Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, gather round. And witness the fantastic, the international red ribbon finalist, the custom-built, incredible Swayzie Express. Bubbles: Trains. Announcer: The only one in the world. The personal train of Julian: Bubbs, you okay man? Announcer: Patrick Swayzie. Bubbles: Fine, Julian. Ricky: Oh Julian, if I don't find some dope soon, man, I'm going to start to go crazy. There's got to be some dope in here somewhere, fell down through the vents or something over the years. Dirty old fucking roach. Bubbles: Hey boys? Ricky: Fuck! Bubbles: I think I'm going to go stretch my legs. Ricky: Okay Bubbs. Fucking, fucking coming off. Oh, where'd it go, yes! [loud music] Sebastian Bach: What's going on with you freaks? Ricky: Fuck, he showed up! My fuck he's cool Julian. Cool fucking car man! Sebastian Bach: Sorry it took so long dude. Julian: Good to meet you man. Sebastian Bach: Nice to meet you too. Ricky: Fuck, we didn't think you were coming. I ripped my whole fucking dash out looking for dope. Sebastian Bach: Dude, I got some dope but it's like half a fucking gram of shit mall weed from the fucking arcade. Ricky: Fuck, well I found some great dope. Sebastian Bach: For real? Ricky: Yeah. I grew this myself man. This is good fucking Canadian dope, it'll blow your head off. Sebastian Bach: Well dude, did you not notice that there's like gum and hair on it. Ricky: I know, but it's awesome, trust me. Sebastian Bach: Alright. Cool. Where's your buddy? That cool guy with the glasses? Ricky: I think he went to rock a piss. Ricky: Fuck, I can't believe you paid twelve bucks a gram for this shitty arcade dope. I'm going to smoke some more of mine. Sebastian Bach: Righteous. Fuck, I haven't had a dope like this in years. Fucking years! You grew this? Ricky: Yeah man. Sebastian Bach: I haven't had dope like this since I was touring Europe in '88 with Scorpions. [shouting] Hello California! You are crazy! We are Scorpions! Rock you like a Hurricane!!! Sebastian's Handler: Sebastian! Sebastian Bach: What the fuck! Sebastian's Handler: Fuck! Sebastian Bach: Dude, this weed kicks my ass man. Julian: We've got tons of that stuff back home man, here. Sebastian Bach: Not to be a pain, but is there any chance I can buy just what you have here? It's so hard to get good dope here these days. Dude, there's fucking greasy old bees on this one. Am I paying for the bees too? What is this, fucking honey oil? Ricky: It was in the fucking dash man. Sorry. Bubbles: Hey guys. Sebastian Bach: Oh dude. Thank you so much for sticking up for me out there. Bubbles: No problem, I mean. Train guys know the real deal. It's all about respect, Mr. Bach. Sebastian Bach: Geez, hang on a sec. Fuck, I gotta get going man. My wife is going to fucking kill. I really really appreciate the dope guys. Ricky: No problem. Sebastian Bach: You know what, it was really nice meeting you cocksuckers. Ricky: Nice meeting you too man. Sebastian Bach: Right on dude. Listen, take my card alright, I want you guys to give me a call, but be super cool on the phone, alright? Bubbles: Got another one of those? Sebastian Bach: Yeah dude, right on. Bubbles: Decent. Sebastian Bach: I think I'm too fucking baked man. Sebastian's Handler: Give me the keys. Sebastian Bach: You're driving. Bubbles: Boys, you know what, fuck camping here. Let's, let's get outta here. Ricky: Bubbles, chill out. We're having a good time here. Bubbles: No boys, pack it up. Let's go. Julian: What the fuck's wrong man? Bubbles: Just get in the car! Let's go! Bubbles: Ricky, Julian. Wake up, we're home. Boys, wake up. I gotta show you guys something. It's going to freak you out. Boys, I don't know exactly what came over me but I just couldn't stop myself. I had to have it. The personal train of Patrick Swayzie. Ricky: Bubbles, have you lost your fucking mind? Bubbles: No Ricky. I'm fine.