Google+ Followers

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Precious and few are the moments we two can Cher

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WenchDay, July 11,
2012. Happy birthday to OurMaryPat, who
turns twenty-four today. And Happy Hump
Day to the rest of all y’all. Not that
you’ll bother wishing Us the same, but that’s the kind of philanthropical
Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) We are…We just give and GIVE and GIVE.

We
have Precious Little to report. Precious
Little being, naturally, Chicken Little’s gay brother. Who was totally fabulous, until the Skyy™
fell. Apparently, no one ever taught him
the old maxim, don’t cry over spilt vodka.
Precious little was heard of Precious Little after that, despite the
ascent to stardom of his (and Chicken Little’s) older brother, Rich Little. Who became famous for doing Paul Lynde. Well, doing impressions of Paul Lynde.
He may or may not have done him, also.
Precious Little certainly would have, but he and Rich Little didn’t
travel in the same circles much after The Frank Gorshin Incident.

See
how We just made something out of nothing there? Stayed tuned, as later on, We shall being
turning chickenshit into chicken salad.

Speaking
of turning chickenshit into chicken salad, the WaitStaff will be playing The
Match Gameon Friday, July 13
and Saturday, July 14, at 7:30, at L’Etage.
The SitOnMyFaceBook event is here: http://www.facebook.com/events/234467316672300/,
but since YouPeople pay no attention to Us whatsoever, We shall just simply
tell you here in big, bold letters that Our Sistah Ovella (aka BOB MASON)
will be playing Charles Nelson Reilly this time around. So get your tickets NOW, HERE:http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/255809
. Be there, or be BLANK.)

Here’s
the HorrorScope:

We
have just been informed that it is Lisa Rinna’s birthday. Feel free to either wet your pants, or slam
your face into the wall until your lips swell to four times their normal size.

You
can’t sit still for more than a few minutes. (Well, of course not. We just wet Our pants in honor of Lisa Rinna’s
birthday, and it’s chafing.)

You
may get some great news, but even more likely you’re just rambunctious from
pent-up energy that has to be spent. (May We just say that “rambunctious” is
one of those words, much like “akimbo” and “mulligatawny”, that One can just never
hear enough of.)

—
is it time to see how the other half lives? (Depending on which half it is,
could We watch ‘em die instead?)

Call
up someone you know whose lifestyle is one you’d like to experience for a
while. (We don’t even have a life; what are We gonna do with a lifestyle?)

The
only thing stopping you from making a change in your life is you. (Well, that and the fact that Lisa Rinna only
left Us one pair of Depends™.)

‘All
the Right Moves’ could be the title of your autobiography. (All the Right Moves is the Tom Cruise
movie where he shows his penis. What
self-respecting gay boi doesn’t know THAT?
(It don’t matter how cray-cray he gets, We’d still fuck him. (Oh, so would you, too. Get off your high horse, Precious
Little. And while you’re at it, stop
wasting good weed on your damn horse.)))

You
know what to say and which cutie to say it to. (We’re not allowed to talk to
cuties any more, now that there’s a restraining order and all. (It’s sort of like The Frank Gorshin
Incident, but with cameraphones.))

If
you weren’t so natural and spontaneous, some might think you’ve had this
planned from the start. (Well-planned spontaneity is the key to success. Well, that and being able to fake sincerity.)

(Meanwhile,
why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.