Behold: the fifty saddest World Cup Fans. Awwww, what's wrong? Did you just realize that you're favourite sport is boring and completely un-fucking-watchable? Note: This is coming from someone who played soccer every year as a child and still thought it was a boring game. (BWE)

Bruce Willis is getting his own fragrance now, and it will be the single manliest scent EVER. Seriously, it'll probably be like a mix of gasoline, sweat, and straight whiskey. (Agent Bedhead)

Hey Anderson Cooper, know how I know you're gay? Because you're biking around with a hot, muscular guy in muscle tees and jean shorts. Well, that and wishful thinking. (Celebslam)

Tila Tequila and her fake addiction won't be on Dr. Drew's fake rehab show anymore. Oh darn, I left the rat's ass I could give at home, right next to the world's smallest violin. (Warming Glow)

Spencer Pratt and his creepy-flesh-coloured-pedo-beard have decided to crash the finale party of The Hills by announcing it on Twitter. If you were to take this world's biggest palm and smash it against the world's biggest face, you still would not be able to convey the sheer stupidity of this. (popbytes)

Oh fuck this shit; I REFUSE to live in a world where Dina Lohan can eat In-N-Out and us good, non-delusional east coasters get jackshit. BURN THE WITCH! (Dlisted)

Oooooo boy, looks like John Stamos may have been extorted by a girl who slept with him when she was seventeen. Eep. (The Superficial)

Okay, I totally had no idea there was such a thing as Cheeseburger Pizza, but now that I do, HOLY CRAP I WANT IT INSIDE OF ME RIGHT NOW. (The Impulsive Buy)

You can thank Figgy for sending me this link to the most terrifying thing EVER. (Buzzfeed)

And now, a propos of nothing: Here's Winston in a summery little bike basket. If I had ovaries, they'd be hurting right now.

Jeremy Feist is a freelance writer, maker of lovin', and an average-everyday-sane-psycho. You can check his sorta-NSFW blog here, or email him here.