My wife and I have three sons. We are in our mid 60s and both of us will retire within the next two to five years.

Two of our sons are working and have children. The third son is married and has health problems that prevent him from working more than part-time from home. He has been getting money from his mother all his life and, in the last few years, he has been getting between $16,000 and $25,000 a year, and it’s increasing every year.

She feels sorry for him and doesn’t want him and his wife (she works, they have no kids) to be homeless or living with us. We are now paying most of his medical expenses and also pay expenses for his car and other things.

My concern for years has been the financial burden on our joint income. And now the looming burden on our retirement savings and income. Short of divorce, I can’t seem to stop my wife from giving away our money.

My main concern is that between our living expenses and supporting junior we will be broke, if not dead, in 15 to 20 years. Aside from limiting our retirement travel options it will leave us with little or no estate for our heirs. We own our mortgaged home and have long-term care insurance and I hope that cushions us some.

I would like to leave our estate, if anything is left, to our other two sons and exclude junior. My wife is having a fit over this and thinks that is unfair. Clearly I think the existing support to junior is unfair to us and at least should be taken into account when we have died.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Tom in California

Dear Tom,

Your wife is throwing money at the problem which seems to be making it worse instead of better. Casting aspersions about your son’s character and telling your wife that he is not deserving of any inheritance creates two problems. It presents two things to fight about instead of one (the present and the future) and makes an emotional issue even more difficult to address.

The more years that go by, the harder it will be for your son to find adequate employment.

Compromise. Tell your wife you will treat all your children equally in your will because it would be unfair to make that decision unilaterally, without her consent. And tell her that she too must treat all your children equally by not giving one a monthly allowance because (once again) it’s unfair for one spouse to unilaterally decide to spend money without the other spouse’s consent.

Why should he or his wife explore other ways to earn money when they receive $25,000 for free? It merely reinforces the idea that they are entitled to handouts from you and your wife in 2016, and beyond. Write a 10-year plan on a piece of paper with your savings, income and expenditure. Your wife needs to see this in black and white. Enlist the help of a financial planner, if need be.

Focus on the practical implications. Don’t lose your cool. Show your wife the bigger picture (which is why the presence of a third party like a CPA or estate attorney would help). It’s just not feasible or fair to you or your son. She needs to understand that she’s hurting your son in the long run. The more years that go by, the harder it will be for them to find adequate employment.

Questions to raise: What happens after you’ve gone? Who will bankroll them then? Your son and daughter-in-law won’t learn to budget or work toward getting higher paid jobs, if they don’t have to. If your wife truly wants them to survive after you’re both gone, they need to learn to be independent now. (Your son may also want to explore Obamacare for part-timers/freelance workers.)

Nearly half (47%) of all couples say money issues cause stress in their relationship, according to a survey of more than 1,000 people released last year by the National Foundation for Credit Counseling. How does that help you? Each problem is unique and has a special set of circumstances, but that doesn’t mean your family dilemma is less solvable than the rest of that 47%.

And then there’s the not inconsequential issue of gift tax on these annual stipends. You (and your wife) can read more about that here.

Do you have questions about inheritance, tipping, weddings, family feuds, friends or any tricky issues relating to manners and money? Send them to MarketWatch’s Moneyologist and please include the state where you live (no full names will be used).

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(This story was republished.)

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Quentin
Fottrell

Quentin Fottrell is MarketWatch's personal-finance editor and The Moneyist columnist for MarketWatch. You can follow him on Twitter @quantanamo.

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