Cue The Tinkly Piano: Coldplay Is Coming to “Glee”

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We’re officially at the point now where, if you are a famous musical artist not named Radiohead and you do not allow your songs to be used for the Fox smash hit “Glee,” you are dumb. In an era where the music industry’s business model is dependent upon the honor system, musicians need every available marketing vehicle they can get their hands on. And so it is that Coldplay, those croony English balladeers, have granted the “Glee” folks license to use their songs for what I presume will be some sort of very sad breakup scene that takes place near a pond. From Reuters:

As Fox's "Glee" became a breakout hit, bands lined up for a chance to have their music performed by the William McKinley High kids.

Well, not every artist. Notably, Canadian power-ballad master Bryan Adams and British soft-rockers Coldplay said no.

But writer-producer Ryan Murphy told the Hollywood Reporter that not only has Coldplay changed its collective mind, the band's entire catalog has also been made available to the show.

Okay, someone needs to explain to me why Bryan freakin’ Adams thinks he’s too good to let his songs be used for “Glee.” This is the guy who made arguably the worst video of all time, and that isn’t even the one he did for “Don Juan DeMarco.” GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE, YOU SYRUP SWILLER!

But I digress. I can only assume Coldplay granted Murphy license to use the songs so long as Gwyneth Paltrow was allowed to do a cameo and show off her singing chops and oily legs. “Glee” is best known for putting out musical arrangements that are extremely loud and boisterous, with all the jazzy hands that entails. Coldplay’s music goes against that kind of exuberance. It’s sad, and mellow, and best used as the score to a Zoloft ad. So Murphy will go one of two routes with the band’s music. One: He’ll keep it in its proper context and use a Coldplay ballad for a comedown scene, where a character is all sad and lonely (Hello, “The Scientist”). Or, he’ll go the complete opposite direction and try and jazz up a Coldplay song with some kind of funky new arrangement. The “Viva La Vida” title track, already hyper by Coldplay standards, is a likely target.

It’s possible Coldplay will get an entire episode of “Glee” to themselves, as Madonna did earlier this year. Those theme nights are a big draw for the show, and since Coldplay is arguably (ugh) the biggest band on Earth, their music on the hit show could deliver boffo numbers. Not so yellow anymore, are you, Chris Martin?