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break ups

I laid awake last night listening to the drops of rain outside my window, and the rumbles of thunder shaking the ground. As I laid there, you entered my thoughts, I remembered a particular night similar to this, we had the screen door open, letting that sweet smell of rain in, listening to the drops hit the concrete. We cuddled watching a movie, and munched on our favorite candy, orchard flavored skittles. I miss your laugh, your sweet smile, and our late night conversations filled with giggles. More than anything I miss my best friend, that’s been the hardest, you became my partner in crime.

I’m glad I can remember the good times, and look back with a smile. I think of you less & less each day, hurting less when I think of how things ended, and the pain we both caused each other. I will always care about you, and hold a special place for you in my heart, I pray for you, I only want you to be happy. I cherish the times we had. Even though you think because I ended things, those memories and feelings no longer mean anything, they do. You will always be the first one I said those three delicate little words to. I’m grateful for our love, and don’t regret anything, because it taught me a lot, hopefully for both of us. It didn’t end in the way we thought when we first started dating, but it ended for the best.

Your smile brought me constant comfort, you had the ability to make me laugh so uncontrollably I’d snort, then we laugh together because I snorted, and then snort again because we laughed. You taught me to think more with my heart, and to love without hesitation. Showing me what it’s really like to be loved before and after the guard is down. When your eyes locked into mine, the world around us ceased to exist, your love for me was bold, unafraid yet gentle. You often uttered the three most precious words that every woman desires to hear, yet you didn’t need to. The way you stood up for me, always had my back, the way your eyes softened in my direction, every action spoke louder than those delicate eight letter words ever could.

Doubting your love never crossed my mind, I felt secure knowing I would be forever Loved. You were everything I thought I needed, and desired. My darkest thought, every shameful occurence, drunken regret, times of emptiness were all accepted in your eyes. It didn’t matter if I spoke in hostility, or acted on impulse, nothing would ever cause your love to run out. We were there for each other, through the pain you felt remembering your close friend’s struggle, and demise of addiction. I watched as the tears streamed down your soft cheeks, as your heart became completely exposed. The moment I realized how privileged I was to witness this side of you, and to comfort you through it.

Your embrace was the epitome of feeling secure, cherished, and truly vulnerable. You wiped away mascara filled tears, the salty streaks of black running down my pale skin, as I laid on my kitchen floor completely unravelled. You had a way of calming me down when my flare for the dramatics took hold, all the right words left your supple lips, even your long repetitive jokes triggered a smile. You knew every good, and awful thing about me, loving me anyways. You radiated with sheer confidence of a future of exchanging vows, embarking on new adventures, enduring every hurdle that would come our way. How were you so sure, how did you know I was the one? It broke my heart knowing that I couldn’t give you that kind of assurance. You told me how you knew you would never love someone again the way you loved me. Why couldn’t I feel the same way? I loved you, but I guess sometimes love isn’t enough. Or maybe it is, but maybe it wasn’t the right kind of love? Maybe I need to seek God’s love, and fully accept His love before I can truly give and accept love from within a relationship.