Conservative Car Review: 2014 Jaguar F-Type

I’m sure we’re all familiar with England, the land of bad food, warm beer, and crooked teeth.

I can hear the liberals whining already: “How can you saaaaay that, Phil, you mean old Conservative? You haven’t even beeeeen there.”

Listen, lefties, I don’t need to go to England to know what it’s like. I’ve seen Mary Poppins.

Anything England ever did halfway decently was improved by America. The war against Hitler. James Bond movies. The Office. (Some people say Ricky Gervais is funnier than Steve Carrell, but at least when Steve does the part you can understand what he’s saying.)

England is a crummy little country that has done its best to turn itself into a socialist utopia nanny state. With welfare handouts and closed-circuit cameras on every corner, it’s a Democrat’s paradise. “Bend over for your free prostate exam, sir. A little closer, please, the police camera can’t focus. Tea?”

They even let their queens marry. That’s all the proof you need right there.

What’s worse is that they are trying to steal America’s glory. They speak the same language as the United States, with a fancy-ass accent to make themselves sound superior. They renamed the country “The United Kingdom” to make it sound more like “The United States.” And am I the only one who remembers that they once elected their own Hillary Clinton as Prime Minister, then had her snuggle up to Ronald Reagan, the Greatest President Who Ever Lived? They even had the guts to call her a Conservative! And people actually bought into that! (That was the beginning of the end for the Republican party, if you ask me.)

And once again they are attempting to copy the greatest sports car the world has ever known, the Chevrolet Corvette.

The idiot Democrats in the morality-free zone that is today’s liberal automotive media might be eating it up, but I see the new Jaguar F-Type for what it is. All you need to know is right there in the name. Decency and the Lord Jesus prevent me from saying what that F stands for, but I think we can all guess.

I can hear the Liberals whining again: “The F-Type isn’t a Corvette rip-off, it’s the follow-up to the E-Type, one of the greatest sports cars ever.”

Bull feces, my gulliberal friends.

First of all, when was the last time you saw an E-Type on the road? That’s right, barely ever. Not because they are to rare or worth too much money to drive, but because the damn things won’t start most of the time. Some communists liberals blame the electrical system, with blasphemous stories about “Lucas the Prince of Darkness” (you wouldn’t joke if you knew the real Lucifer, who you can visit, by the way – just go to Washington and ask for Barbara Boxer’s office). This is actually a design feature, because if the engine did start, the vibrations would cause the rusty paper-thin sheetmetal to flake off the car. One good bumpy road and the whole car is likely to crumble into a pile of fine British dust.

In fact, if you want to see how bad the quality of these cars was, use your Internets to search for a photo of the early E-Type prototypes. Or go to that great Liberal institution, the library. (Ah, the library. Why let mean old corporations turn a profit by selling books when we can loan them to people for free? Oh, and while we’re at it, let’s read to our schoolchildren in the same building that provides smelly homeless people a place to surf porn on the Internet. Good show, comrades.)

If you look closely at those old photos, you’ll see just how badly those first Jags were built: They put the steering wheels on the wrong side of the car.

So much for old-world craftsmanship being superior to American automation.

Note the lack of wood, which is exactly what Liberals get when they think of life in a socialist utopia like England.

Second, the E-Type was itself a bad rip-off of the Corvette, which came out nearly ten years before. The curved windshield probably has the same part number as the one from the 1953 Corvette. And as for the back end of the coupe with its large glass back window, it was clear that the Britglish had a spy at General Motors, who broke into the Future Design Center and ripped off the 1978 Corvette (which, I’ll admit, was a pretty neat trick to pull off in 1961. You have to give the Brits credit where credit is due: They produce great spies, like Kim Philby and James Bond. No wonder people still believe they captured the German Enigma machine. I sure did, at least until I saw U-571.)

Problem is, those bowler-wearing, tea-drinking, monarchistic socialists wouldn’t know a proper sports car if it ran them down in Trafalgar Circus and dragged them clear through Knightsmister and all the way to Nelson’s Abbey. Remember that ridiculously long hood the E-Class had, supposedly to give the look of power? What was underneath it? That’s right, an inline six-cylinder engine, the same thing you’d find in a secretary-spec Mustang or a cheap Chevy Nova with dog-dish hubcaps. (Yeah, I know they made a V12. Look how well that worked for Packard.)

Jaguar got out of the Corvette rip-off business for a few years, but now they are back with this new F-Type, and it’s more of a Corvette pretender than ever. Two seats, just like a Corvette. Loud exhaust, just like a Corvette. V8 engine, just like a Corvette. (There’s also a V6, which I guess is supposed to be some sort of tribute to the original E-Type. Sorry, dear chap, but If I want a V6 engine, I’ll buy a Toyota Camry.) Hell, they’ve even made it go around corners worth a crap, just like a Corvette.

Needless to say, the liberal automotive media are whooping and hollering so loudly, you’d think Obama just promised free phones and health care for every border jumper from San Diego to Miami Beach. (Oh, wait, he already did that.)

I heard Playboy named the F-Type their Car of the Year. I wonder if Jaguar will put that in their advertising? “Jaguar F-Type: The choice of progressive perverts who want your college-age daughter to pop out her tits for the whole world to see.” That’s sure to make the F-Type a hit with the feminists!

I spent what the Liberals would call “quality time” with the Jaguar F-Type, and I have to admit, it was impressive. It’s pretty fast, all of the lights worked, and it even started on the first try. For an English car, that’s a real accomplishment.

But I wouldn’t go handing out accolades to the leF-Type just yet. God-fearing Conservatives like me still see this as the Corvette-pretender it is. And it just so happens that there’s a new Corvette out, and it’s superior to this limey jalopy in every way.

In fact, I hear they even made that same wrong-side steering wheel screw-up on some of the early F-Type prototypes.

Ah, England. How quaint.

DRIVING ON THE RIGHT VERDICT:

If you really want to waste $90,000 on this British piece of crap, be my guest. (Just don’t let Obama know you have that much money, he’ll want to “redistribute” it.) Thirty years from now, when your F-Type is a pile of rot with an engine that won’t start, I’ll be happy to give you a ride in my Corvette. Who says Conservatives don’t believe in charity?