Smoke ‘em, pass ‘em: Week 5

This week the government shut itself down, my favorite player, Djulio Jones, proved he can play on one leg, and in my favorite league I’m 4-0. I’m having the Best Week Ever[ref]VH1 pays me $.25 for each time I use this term.[/ref]

Imagine if the government never comes back? How great would that be? The IRS would stop taking 40 percent of our paychecks, lobbyists would have to take jobs as baristas in Starbucks where I would berate them for making my Pumpkin Spiced Latte incorrectly, and politicians would go back to being millionaires. Sounds like a perfect world.

Speaking of a perfect world, I wrote this joke specifically for my intro this week and thought I’d share it. It’s a doozy.

A Jets fan walks into a bar and sits down. He asks for a whiskey on the rocks. The bartender says, “I got some good news and I got some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” the guy asks.

“I’m all out of whiskey.” The bartender frowns and pours the guy gin.

“Christ, that’s terrible. What’s the good news?”

“Mark Sanchez is out for the year.”

These jokes write themselves. Let’s hope they’re written better as we go.

Smoke ‘em

Quarterbacks

Brian Hoyer v BUF- This guy has five touchdowns in his last two and it would seem that he and Michael Jordan Cameron have a special chemistry brewing. They’re like Hall & Oates. Henceforth Jordan & Hoyer. “You Make My Dreams Come True” never sounded sweeter.

“What I want you’ve got And it might be hard to handle Like Brian Hoyer when he scrambles The frenzy feeds the Dog Pound, yeah, yeah What I’ve got’s full stock Of thoughts and touchdowns that scatter Then you pull them all together And how I can’t explain Oh, yeah Well, well Cameron, You make my dreams come true…”

Sleeper: Geno Smith @ ATL- Pretty certain we’re downhill from here after a Hall & Oates parody song, but let’s keep plugging. If you drafted RGIII and your dick is flapping in the wind, you could do worse than Geno this weekend. As Jay Cutler proved last week you can be pretty terrible and still hang solid fantasy numbers. Atlanta has given up the sixth most passing yards in the league and I have a feeling that the Jets will be down by a metric fuckload by half-time Monday night. This means garbage time. Don’t you feel “Dirty Sanchez” sounds like a good name for a porn movie about a garbage collector? I wonder if BiBiJones would be interested?

Eddie Lacy v DET- Detroit has given up 251 yards on the ground in the last two weeks. They travel to Green Bay, and the Packers are coming off a bye in a must-win situation. I really think they’ll establish the run and Lacy is due back. Forget about this Jonathan Franklin hype. This is Lacy’s job and he’ll get a chance to prove it this weekend. Like the guy right below him, I think these guys know they’re playing to ensure the majority of playing time going forward. Two of my favorite kinds of desperate people: running backs and divorcees.

Sleeper: David Wilson v PHI- I said in week one that I expected him to wear this “smoke ‘em” list out this year. He’s been wildly disappointing, but Philly has given up 413 yards on the ground in the last three weeks. They made the Rock, Paper, Scissor group from Denver look like the Three Horsemen. And I know there were four, but that was before Christopher Reeve fell off his horse.

Wide Receivers

Hakeem Nicks v PHI- Putting Nicks here is sort of like doubling down on a pair of 10s; when Wilson disappoints me I can point to Nicks and all is forgiven. He had nine targets in Kansas City last week and hung a line of 3-33. Philly, however, has given up a whopping 1,300 yards passing in just four games. There hasn’t been an aerial assault of this measure since Dresden. History jokes, bitch.

Sleeper: Denarius Moore @ SD- Before finally cinching up their defense against Dallas last week, the Chargers were torched by Houston, Philly, and Tennessee. And this defense has just one interception on the year. I like Terrelle Pryor to relieve Matt Flynn White this week and get this offense back on track. He’s got 17 targets the last two weeks so you could do worse if you’re in a pinch.

Tight End

Julius Thomas @ DAL- This Dallas team has surrendered games of 7-66-1 to the Giants’ Brandon Myers and 10-136-1 to the Chargers’ Antonio Gates. Myers has essentially disappeared since that game and Gates spends most of his time playing bridge, drinking Ensure, and talking about George Blanda with Jason Hanson. I’d expect Dallas to move the ball on this mediocre defense and Peyton to get his tight end involved. This game might have 80 points scored in it.

Defense/Special Teams

Atlanta v NYJ- Let’s get something straight: Just because I told you to start Geno doesn’t mean this defense won’t feast on him. My hope is for garbage time, but beforehand I’d expect a couple picks at least, since he has eight on the season already.

Pass ‘em

Quarterbacks

Andrew Luck v SEA- This is a pretty basic philosophy here. If Seattle is playing your QB, look for another option. Through four games they’ve given up just three passing TDs. They’ve dominated their two games at home, giving up just 472 yards and picking off five passes. Would Gillette please hire Luck to do an advertisement? I’m gonna hold his goofy-looking ass down and shave that neck-forest myself. It looks like Josh Freeman‘s ‘fro mated with Troy Polamalu‘s pubes.

Jay Cutler v NO- How do you end up on the “smoke ‘em” one week and discarded to the “pass ‘em” the next week? Only the Cut Creator knows the answer. New Orleans hasn’t had the mightiest of schedules—Atlanta, Tampa, Zona, Miami—but they’ve surrendered less than 220 passing yards in three straight and picked off six passes in that span. Rob Ryan has them playing with intensity in the Big Easy, which, coincidentally, is what Kristin Cavallari was nicknamed in college.

Running Backs

Chris Johnson v KAN- If you take out the stinker against Philly in which they gave up 264 yards, KC has been solid against the run. Add to this the absence of a real NFL quarterback in this backfield,[ref]Jake Locker is out 4-6 weeks.[/ref] we’ve got another stinker on the horizon for CJ. And can we stop using other letters and symbols in his name now? The “CJ?K” or “CJ8MyHomework” or whatever you’re doing isn’t funny. Remember that shitty Sanchez joke that started this whole mess? That was funnier and that wasn’t funny.

Jacquizz Rodgers v NYJ- There’s a chance they run the ball a lot if they can get up early. But this Jets defense held Tampa to 65 yards, and New Englandto 54. There has to be a better option for you than this nightmare backfield. He could be an option in PPR, though 12 catches in three games isn’t going to set any world records. I’d love to meet this kid’s parents. How in the hell could anyone name their kid Jacquizz? I’m guessing someone lost a bet.

Wide Receivers

Reggie Wayne v SEA- The beat goes on here. I wouldn’t trust anyone against this defense. I expect Seattle to win this game and that means taking out Indy’s best receiver. I shudder to see Trent Richardson‘s line after this game, too. Honestly stay away from this Seattle defense. Like I said last week the 12th Man and Adderall ain’t nothin’ to fuck with.

Stevie Johnson @ CLE- Cleveland has yet to surrender more than 255-yards passing in a game. In today’s NFL that’s like finding a unicorn that has two horns. That made no sense, but it makes sense to think this Buffalo offense will struggle on the road.

Tight End

Owen Daniels v SF- Though it’s a small sample size, the 49ers haven’t given up more than 60 yards to tight ends all year, and have given up just one touchdown. On 10 days rest and at home, I think San Fran comes out and gets another much needed win. And Owen Daniels joins in that game of bridge with Gates and Hanson.

Defense/Special Teams

Cincinnati v NE- Maybe you’re thinking that they forced a bunch of turnovers against Green Bay and you’re hoping lightning strikes twice. Well, Tom Brady doesn’t care what this defense did two weeks ago and you should know that he is the one who controls the lightning. Terrific Tom is trolling us with undrafted free agent wide receivers and backup running backs. It isn’t enough that he bangs models and gets away with wearing women’s boots. He also has to shove it in our face that he’s good with shitty talent around him. My dad always says “It’s impossible to soar with the eagles when surrounded by turkeys.” It turns out Brady doesn’t give two Cincinnati chili farts who he is surrounded by. He’s gonna gas up and fly high.

Kenneth Griggs is a writer and bartender living in Chicago, IL. He has hitchhiked through the Australian Outback; lived in a small fishing village in Japan; climbed Mount Kilimanjaro; and ran with the bulls in Pamplona. He spent six years as a feature writer for a daily and weekly newspaper and has two unpublished novels to his name. But his finest accomplishment is not yet sprouting a gin blossom nose.