I just got back from Virginia Beach, and boy are my arms tired of gesticulating. We drove there to cover a surf competition, and spending 16 hours in a car with an all-male film crew inevitably leads to the question, “How much would you have to be paid to let a bum rape you?”

The correct answer is $10 million, but arriving at that conclusion required a lot of Steve Sailer-esque analysis.

Before we bottomed out at hypothetical hobo-sex scenarios, we covered the usual road-trip topics. We all agreed that telling someone their wife is ugly goes too far in one direction and talking about her beautiful ass goes too far in the other. Sex stories are usually the next step (before you met your wife, of course; nobody wants to hear about marital intercourse). Everyone has about three good stories in them, but eight hours to Virginia Beach and eight hours back means you’re going to run out of those about a third of the way into the trip.

“Kill-Fuck-Marry” is a popular game, but it requires little intellect. A good road-trip game brings in philosophy. It involves playing out scenarios and summarizing both sides’ pros and cons. “Would You Rather?” is usually the game that comes before games involving uncomfortable carnal scenarios with homeless men.

“People get raped for free every day.”

1. HOW MUCH WOULD YOU HAVE TO BE PAID TO FRENCH-KISS A HOMELESS MAN?
When amateurs are confronted with this question, they usually blurt out a number like $3 billion. Yeah, we know you’d do it for $3 billion. So would planet Earth. The question is, how much would you refuse? If three billion is your number, then you would refuse a duffel bag containing $2.9 billion. The Treasurer of the Absurd Questions Estate would proffer you said bag and you would say, “No thanks.” When confronted with this, people usually admit they would accept $2.9 billion and you’re forced to whittle them down to their real number. The final figure shouldn’t make you feel like you swindled someone. A good transaction means both sides are unhappy.

Another rookie mistake is to start asking questions about herpes and whether there will be a doctor present, etc. When a fee is agreed upon, you have to accept all the potential risks and eagerly play tongue hockey with him as if you were a teenager on a first date. Someone is paying a lot of dough for this and you don’t want them to feel shortchanged. You also can’t ask questions about the bum. You have to assume he is a lifer with gin blossoms, repulsive body odor, gangrenous toes sticking out of split boots, and an eye that’s swollen shut. We’re not here for nuance, so don’t be a pussy about the details.

ANSWER: $1,700
You’re not going to get herpes from a bum, and the whole thing is only a few minutes out of your life. Sure, it’s unpleasant, but people work in sewers. Redheads do roofing in the summer. Caregivers bathe the elderly. You can handle a gross kiss.

The other factor here is your obligation as a family man. Seventeen hundred bucks could buy the kids those cool little electric cars they want so badly. It’s a flight you and your wife could take while the kids are with the in-laws. It’s also a hilarious story. I would feel no shame if I had done this and someone brought it up at a party. I’d be thrilled to give the details. Anyone who wouldn’t do this for $1,700 is a wimp.