Major league baseball to be sped up; violence added for perspicuously numb audience

The new speeding up of baseball will cause pitcher's fast balls to look like this

The tireless innings that seem to drag on forever in major league baseball will now be a thing of the past according to spokespersons for the league. New rules will be garnered and enforced in the league to help retain and increase its fan base which has seen a dwindling and sluffing off in recent years.

"Fans are tired of watching a game and then having to go to bed just as the action is beginning to heat up and then having to endure comments from unemployed, or retired neighbors the next day, or colleagues in the office taking flex-time, or working with West coast outfits that are four hours behind you that don't have to be at work in the morning as early as you do saying that it was possibly the best game that they ever saw," said baseball commissioner Bud Selig.

Major changes will include:

No more TV commercials aired during the game. From now on major league baseball will be sponsored and rely on government grants.

Batters in the batter's box will only be allowed to scratch their nuts one time, after which if the rule is violated, a called "strike" will be made against him.

Pitchers on the pitching mound will only be allowed to shift their chaw of tobacco once, from one cheek to the other before delivery of the ball.

Pitching coaches in clever attempts to buy time for new relievers, must leave pitchers on the mound once a conference has been held and will only be allowed to make substitutions between innings.

Catchers conferencing with wild and adolescently puerile pitchers are only allowed to use hand signals from behind the plate to communicate with those pitchers, and are not allowed, under any circumstances, to visit the pitcher's mound, or masturbate while they are giving hand signals. Severe fines such as the cutting off of digits may be levied for those who continuously violate these rules.

Baseballs with protected, radio-controlled explosive devices will be used to hurry procrastinating and constantly piddling puerile pitchers along. After 12 seconds, if the pitch is not delivered, the baseball will be caused to explode in the pitcher's hand.

Bombs with non-retractable digital, accurate timing devices will be placed under the seats of spectators and in team dugouts and will detonate after a two-hour game deadline has been reached.

Only pitchers who can throw the ball over 100 mph will only be allowed to pitch in the game.

Only African American players will be allowed to steal bases.

Pitchers will be fined heavily for every wild pitch they throw and cause to short-hop before the catcher and stray near the backstop.

Officials will not be able to use slow-motion play back reviews to determine any call. Umpires will receive more frequent eye exams and judgment will be relied upon by that umpire's initial call.

"We're sending children the wrong message and saying to them that they must, at all times, be perfect," said one spokesman. "That's not what we're about."

As an impetus to combating spectator and player boredom and making the play generally more animated, players must agree to wear electric, remote controlled athletic gear, including jock straps with electric shocker nodes. This measure is also expected to retard any looming baseball strikes.

And finally, all major league baseball parks will be reequipped with plain Jane, wire, Hurricane fences in their outfields. No more time will be spent arguing on whether a hit was a homerun. It either went over the fence, or it didn't.

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