Thursday, April 30, 2009

My free food for today was a little ghetto. See, last Friday we had a brainstorming meeting where they fed us pizza and candy. Afterwards, they brought the remaining candy right over by my desk. Everyone ate the M and M's and Sour Patch kids, but the Jujubes and Runts apparently are the red-headed step-children on candy and thus they're still available nearly a week after the meeting! I'll pass on Jujubes, but there is something about a banana-shaped Runt that makes me so happy, and I don't even like real bananas! I'd rather have a snozzbery!

Let's hope tomorrow is a more fruitful day in the hunt for free food. Hehe.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Today at work we threw a surprise mini-shower for my colleague Katie who is getting married this weekend. My boss put me in charge of ordering the cake, which was a very smart decision on her part. This same boss suggested I order a strawberry shortcake with whipped cream frosting, but I don't like whipped cream frosting so I ordered a chocolate cake with white frosting from Amy's Bread instead!

The party was a success and everyone loved the cake, especially me! I ate 2 (small) slices, but I took the second slice when no one was looking, hehe.

This made me very excited for my own future wedding cake, pending my meeting a suitable candidate!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Tonight I went out srinking with some coworkers to the wonderful bar Flight 151. Tuesday is Flip Night, which means the bartender flips a coin and if you guess correctly you do not have to pay for your beer!

Well, I drank 1 Bud Light and 3 PBRs, and I called heads on all of them, and the coin came up tails! Boo! But luckily, my boys John and Shawn bought me my beers anyway, so they were FREE! Woohoo!

Monday, April 27, 2009

This week was actually a fabulous week not only in the quest for free food, but also for free stuff!

Let's start with Thursday. The Diane von Furstenberg shop near my office offered my company an exclusive night of shopping where we could get a 20% off all merch which means that one pair of shoes would still cost me 3 weeks salary. But, they were offering free hair-styling and manicures! When I walked into the store, I was immediately offered a can of champagne. That's right, a can. Very Paris Hilton. I quickly downed 2, and was feeling quite buzzed. A nice gay man styled my hair, but he made me feel guilty, like when the dentist yells at you for not flossing so that you think all your teeth will fall out. This hair-stylist, let's call him Vaughn, LAUGHED at my haircut. He was all, We NEED to do something about this. And I'm all, maybe if you didn't charge $150 we COULD do something about it, but for now I'm fine with it, got it? But Vaughn, inspired by Grey Gardens, curled and hair-sprayed my hair and it looked quite nice.

Friday was even cooler! It started off with a huge parent-company-wide networking breakfast where my fave Presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin spoke. I own several of her books, but they were all at my parents' house in MA, so I asked Ms. DKG to sign my Red Sox cap instead since she is a HUGE fan. She happily obliged! While this was certainly a highlight, so was the food! At the breakfast, I ate bacon, a bagel, potatoes, and French toast!

I returned to the office just in time for a lunchtime brainstorming session where they served us free pizza from Patsy's, candy, and soda! Yeah! And then the best part of the day happened: I received an e-mail from the Diane von Furstenberg store telling me I won the raffle and would be getting a bag! I picked it up shortly after. It's a beautiful overnight bag that I bet retails for $350. But your girl Liz got it for FREE!

Saturday I went to a yoga class in Astoria, and afterwards I went to my friend Holger's apartment. We sat on the roof and drank Coronas which were free for me as they were Holger's!

sponsored by New York Road Runners and More Magazine. I had been training for the race for the past 12 weeks so I was really excited to do it! Unfortunately, the temperature was in the 80s and I really struggled. I was fine for he first 5 miles, and then after mile 7 I started walking! After I drank some Gatorade I picked myself up and ran again. I ended up finishing in 2 hours and 35 minutes, about a 12 minute mile. While it was a painful process, I am really happy I did it and look forward to my next half!

The good thing, is I did receive some free swag from the race! In addition to bagels, Gatorade, and water, I got a neat little wristband pouch thingy that can hold my keys and id!

Today I was back to work and ate lots of Johnny K's candy. Hell, I ran a half-marathon yesterday, I'll eat whatever I want. Weight Watchers be damned!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Between training for a half marathon, reading John Updike, and watching all my shows, I've been so busy and have not had time to write! But, your girl Liz has certainly had time to eat free food! Let's recap the past few days.

Friday: Work. Yippee skippee! I ate a few pieces of candy from Johnny K's Batman head. Afterwards, I went to a, gasp, "SPRING MULTI-SCHOOL HAPPY HOUR" at Stout featuring Colgate, Cornell, Columbia, Dartmouth, Duke, Emory, Princeton, NYU, USC, Vanderbilt, and Yale. It was for young alumni which I am not sure I qualify as anymore, but my friend Jen is class of 2006 from Columbia so I crashed with her. And yes, it was as frat boyish and pretentious and LAME as you can imagine, but they did let NYU in so who knows, hehe. I drank one beer (not free) and then left with my other friend Kristan and we went to Benny's Burritos in the Village for tacos and margaritas, woohoo! Again, not free! Better start Internet dating soon!

Saturday: Woke up and went to a kick ass sports conditioning class at the New York Sports Club in Astoria. I think this is the first time I have EVER taken a class where there were straight men. Wow. Afterwards I returned home and got caught up on some of shows, including Kings which you must all watch. I joined my friend Bethany at the Bohemian Beer Garden around 10 and someone gave me a beer, so that was my free food quotient for the day!

Sunday: I ran 12 miles through Astoria and Roosevelt Island. My ass and legs still ache plus no one fed me any free food! Bahhh! But I did eat McDonald's.

Monday: More candy from the Batman head. And I got a massage!

Today: I hit the jackpot! A caterer came in to present a tasting. I missed it, but they left all the remaining food in the canteen. I filled my plate Chinese buffet-style, where I eat while I'm piling my plate! In this case I dined on 4 cookies, tempura, chicken, pasta salad, and some nifty beef. After work I had Weight Watchers, so I ran 4 miles before my meeting to cancel all the food out. I ended up staying the same weight this week.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Today I went to Weight Watchers and lost 1 lb. Which I celebrated by going to CVS and buying some heavily discounted candy, including Whopper Easter eggs. I love me some malted milk balls! Plus I had $3 in CVS Extra Bucks so this candy was FREE. Woohoo!

Monday, April 13, 2009

Yesterday was Easter which means Lent is over which means I can DRINK BOOZE! Woohoo!

I admit that I actually enjoyed not drinking as it meant I could eat more free candy with all the calories I saved. Yippee!

I assure you, however, that I will no longer be abstaining from the hooch. I celebrated Easter with a beautiful mimosa at 10am yesterday. Jesus--both you AND my spirit has risen!

So let's go back and review all the free food I ate since last week.

Thursday--It was Jesus Christ's Last Supper, and I figured he'd probably want dessert. In his honor, I ate a delicious vanilla cupcake from Eleni's (also in celebration of my girl Sharyn's birthday). That evening I went to Mass for Holy Thursday at Old St. Patrick's cathedral in Little Italy. I sat next to a really cute Catholic boy who I now plan on stalking. Just saying.

Friday--Good Friday! This is so sad because I cannot remember any specific free food I ate, but I do know I took some chocolate from Johnny K's Batman head. Then after work I did the Stations of the Cross through the streets of Little Italy and SoHo and I saw Chloe Sevigny.

Saturday--I ran a 10k in the rain with my friend Jen in the morning. Afterwards, I borrowed some of her clothes. She's shorter and skinner than I am, so I looked a bit like a homeless person, but whatevs, I was dry. That evening I took the train to my aunt and uncle's in Westchester where they fed me some delicious free food--hamburgers! Yum yum!

Easter Sunday--Well, you can imagine how I did! The Easter Bunny brought me a solid milk chocolate bunny, which really wasn't sufficient, so I stole some of my little cousins' candy. For dinner, I ate lamb, ham, asparagus, a corn casserole and WINE! Yeah! And, of course, some of my beloved Marshmallow Peeps. You see, I have been a card-carrying member of the Marshmallow Peeps Fan Club since 2002. I paid $15 for this and they sent me a shirt, a poster, a hat, and quarterly issues of the Newspeeper. There is still a fan club today, but it's not what it used to be, I can tell you that much.

Today--There was some open house at work for young ambitious Latino high school students, and I totally stole a piece of pepperoni pizza.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Back in 1993 your girl Liz was OBSESSED with the 10,000 Maniacs. I was in 8th grade and very socially conscious. My best friend Cindie made a cassette tape dub of their album "Our Time in Eden" and I listened to it like it was going out of style--which more or less it was as you never hear anyone listen to "These Are Days" anymore. But I digress. I loved all their songs and was concerned with all the right issues: unplanned pregancy (Eat For Two), the Vietnam War (The Big Parade), and child abuse (What's the Matter Here?).

One of my favorite Maniacs songs was the poppy and upbeat "Candy Everybody Wants." I have no idea what it was about, but I like candy so there you go!

And the "candy everybody wants"--or at least the candy that I want--can be found in Johnny K's Batman head at work. He's really a man among men. Every week he stocks his Batman head with candy, and not cheap ass Dum Dums or hard candies that no one eats. No, Johnny K buys the reall stuff that adults want. I'm talking Dove chocolates. I'm talking Reese's peanut butter cups. I'm talking Cadbury Creme eggs. All of which I ate today.

So Johnny K, you go in my free food hall of fame! Thanks for everything!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

What's up all??? I hope you had a great weekend! I know I did, even though I did not spent ANY time today catching up on my shows. Instead, I went running in the morning, 6 miles baby!, and then afterwards I met my sister and 2 uncles for brunch at Belcourt in the East Village. I ordered a smoked salmon omelet with cream cheese, capers, grilled bread, and mixed green salad. It was delish and made all the sweeter when my uncle picked up the bill. Ding ding ding! Free food!!!

Afterwards, we walked around Soho and I picked up some wine glasses at CB2 which is my new favorite affordable store!

When I got home, I decided to make cupcakes for my book club which meets tomorrow. These will not be free for me, but for everyone else they will be! Now, I am good at many things, but frosting cupcakes is not one of them. See my amazing work below:

Friday, April 3, 2009

It's Friday night, a quarter to midnight, and what is your girl Liz doing???

Writing in her blog about eating free food! Woohoo!

Well, to be fair, I just got caught up on all my episodes of Tough Love. So I did do something, hehe. And I will admit, if I were a shallow person, I would never eat again based on that show, because then I might not look sexy. Eek. What about being a nerd girl who is smart, compassionate, and can talk a lot about books and reality tv shows? Can't that be sexy? Please?

Well, I know it is so I don't need your validation, thank you very much. Know what else is sexy? Eating!!!

Today was an unusual day in the quest for free food. I joined my coworkers Lynette and Adrienne for lunch at Room Service, a Thai restaurant near our office in Chelsea. On the way over, Adrienne found $10 on the ground, which we all agreed would go towards our lunch fund! I ordered pad thai (so original) with a green salad. Adrienne ordered spicy basil noodles with vegetable dumplings, and Lynette copied me and got pad thai with some other app. All told, our bill came out to be $19.51. Adrienne threw the $10 in, so it ended up only being $5 per person! Woohoo! So while not technically free, lunch was deeply discounted!

We returned to work, and your girl was FULL. But, imagine my delight when I saw leftover cake in the kitchen. You bet I cut myself a piece! And I ate it not long after!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Ugh, it happened. I just became addicted to a new VH1 show, Tough Love. Why? Why??? I shake my fist at You, God!!!

Tough Love is a very deep show featuring a (single) 28-year-old male matchmaker named Stephen Ward who took 8 insecure females ranging in age from 22 to 38 and is putting them through dating boot camp. He's kind of douchey yet the show is oddly compelling. Basically, I'm 1 and a half episodes in and I have found out exactly why I am single: I need to look really really hot at all times. To get that way, I need to work out all the time and be charming, not snarky (uh oh) and listen with rapt attention to everything a man says. Yikes.

I'm simplifying things, of course, but if I gave a toot I would be horrified and cry in my sleep. But, I just don't care! What's the point? The man who is lucky enough to find me will be receiving a very rare jewel. Woohoo!

And if I am lucky, he will provide me with a lot of free food! That's all this girl Liz needs!

Take today for example! There was an informational lunch meeting with an exec from a different branch from the company, and there was pizza! And soda! I ate 1 slice of cheese, 1 slice of pepperoni, and 1 Diet Coke. After the meeting, I took 2 more slices and two leftover sodas for tomorrow. I'm always thinking ahead!

About Me

Liz Simons is a New York City-based comedian who has performed all over the city at top clubs including Carolines, Gotham, and Broadway Comedy Club. She has been a featured performer in the show Mortified in New York and Boston. She is adorable, single, and likes to eat. She started this blog because she was known as the girl at her office who was always the first person to know about the leftover food from meetings. And how she loved that free food! She took that passion and now writes about her daily selection of free food.