January 2, 2020

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I wish you ableary welcome to the year 2020. Finally,a number easy to make silly glasses for!

If you slept through the fireworks on thelake on NYE, you are a hardier soul thanI, and I commend you. Even this far fromthe cliffs, they were dang loud, but alsoworth every wince. If you've never goneup to the top of Salvation and lookeddown on it all, you're missing out. I'mno poet, but it was a garden of light,and kudos to the city of Fort Brunsettand the tireless efforts of the fireworkscompanies who made it possible.

Are you the type to write out resolutionsfor the coming year? I try, heaven knowsI try, but the bon bons tempt me back.

If you want your name in the paper, sendin YOUR resolution, and I'll put it inthe column for next week. Let's see whatour town wants to change!

I know for sure I want to change the bearfamily in the woods up on Mischance. Ifthey want to set up housekeeping some-where, there are much better places thanthe mine to do it. Kids, I have it ongood authority that the local officialsare taking this very seriously, so pleasebe smart about stupid dares. Animalslike these should be hibernating at thistime of year, and if something has themout and about, a trained professionalshould be the one to find them.

January 9, 2020

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, I have a bigcolumn for you, so let's get right to it.Last week, I asked for your resolutions,and boy howdy did you send them in!

* Mrs. Elsa Vayn has resolved to eat at least one piece of fruit a day. * David Carmichael has resolved to go on at least one vacation every quarter, much to the delight of his less work- a-holic partner, Bobby. * Joe Quinn has resolved to lose 50 lbs. * Jane Quinn has resolved to kick Joe's patoot into gear any time he reaches for doughnuts instead of celery... * Alexander Dolst has resolved to finish the novel he has been working on since seventh grade. * Rebecca Fry has resolved to not murder her niece, or brother, for spilling neon pink dye into a vat of milk and costing the family thousands of bucks for wasted product, time, and inedible ice cream. I have it on good auth- ority that said niece and brother are banned from the barn for the foresee- able future to facilitate their con- tinued survival. * Elizabeth Fry has resolved to avoid her aunt. * Jonathan Fry has resolved to buy stock in Tension Tamer tea. * Delika Soluos has resolved to learn calligraphy, so she can start her own greeting card business. * Mr. A. Nony Mouse has resolved to get a name.

On the subject of resolutions folks askednot to be named for, we have twelve otherpeople wanting to lose weight, eleven whowant to travel more, five who want to getwealthy lovers and live out a life ofluxury, four who want to learn the fineart of cooking better for one, two whowant to do more for the environment, andone who wants to bone my editor.

January 16, 2020

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, we are amonth away from Valentine's Day, but thatisn't stopping the stores, is it? Thankyou, capitalism, for giving me cheap yetdelicious chocolate and peanut butter hearts.

On the subject of hearts, get this: MandyHart thought Monday was going to be justanother morning, woke up, made her coffeeand ate food which she has told me to saywas more healthy than the Boston cremedoughnut it actually was, when there camea banging from her garage. In she went,and lo and behold, her garbage bins werea mess. Thinking it was a raccoon, shetidied up, looked for holes, then forgotall about it by the end of the work day.Upon arriving home again, the garbagebins were on the floor, along with thegarbage that was in them, and what didshe find but a PIG rooting around in it?As it turns out, a tourist family's pethad gotten loose, and there were happy,oinky endings all around. What a way tospend a Monday.

This was not the only animal sighting tooccur over the past week.

A showing of "Matilda" down at the ele-mentary school this past weekend was disrupted by a bleating stampede ofshaggy, smelly goats -- and the high-schoolers who set them free there aregoing to start doing some very fastcommunity service, aren't they, Samual?

January 23, 2020

T A M A R A C K T I M E S GOSSIP COLUMN, by Enid SCHMITT
This week in Tamarack Falls, it looks asthough we may have a new manicurist intown! I hear tell that Lou and Bang Bangdown at Crops and Bobbers have been talk-ing with a lovely stranger about settlinghere. Lady, come stop by the office sometime and have a chat. I still have a bitof that good coffee left that the officevultures haven't managed to pilfer.

In other news, I finally snagged a sourceyoung enough to clue me in on why we'veall been seeing glitter everywhere. Seemslike one of the local kids started aviral trend on TikTok called "angel dust-ing"... The original form called for somesort of container of white glitter to beplaced above a doorway, with the aim ofhaving it fall onto the head of the nextperson walking through, but one of theyounger ladies at the office has informedme that receiving the glitter inside ofan envelope, and filming yourself doingso, has also become a part of the trend.

Now, given the crisis going on with microplastics in our oceans, I did feel theneed to reach out to our mystery TikTok-ker, and much to my pleasant surprise,they had already established ground rulesrequiring their followers to use eco-glitters. Kudos, kid. You've got a goodhead on those glitter-crowned shoulders.

Vazi, on the other hand... I have hearda few conflicting opinions of how youmanaged to break that ankle, kiddo.

1. You were chasing a flying paper air- plane and ran off the roof. 2. You were out on the lawn and slipped. 3. Your younger brother turned into a whirling dervish of dooooom and your ankle was sacrificed to the Lego gods as tribute.

I'm going for Lego gods. If you have everhad kids who had Legos, I know you willbe too.