Most Women Do Not Orgasm from Penetration Alone

That’s right, folks. We women are complex creatures. It takes us longer to get aroused than our male counterparts, and it usually takes a combination of things to put us over the edge (clitoral stimulation being the first thing that comes to mind, but I’ve also known women who can climax just from their nipples being stimulated! not to mention a nice caress or a deep massage on the inner thighs, neck, etc. etc. to deepen the orgasmic experience).

I bring this up because I recently dated someone who was frankly offended when I wanted to reach around to my clitoris while he was banging me doggy style so that I could go over at the same time as him. He thought it was insulting to his penis, like he wasn’t doing a good job or something. Let’s get one thing straight here: I love being banged by my man, doggy style, for many reasons. Only one of them is easy access to my own clit. So I reassured him that it had nothing to do with his penis being inadequate, and had everything to do with me just knowing what I like.

Side note: I realize that I sometimes take too much control of my orgasm which can scare a guy or even make him feel like he’s not part of the equation, so I am learning to back off a little, and focus even more on the feeling of being penetrated, and of course awakening my G-spot which, when done right, is incredibly fulfilling. However, I was surprised at his reaction to my clit-forwardness, because to me that is such a wonderful part of my anatomy which produces so much pleasure. I feel that ignoring it for the sake of allowing a man to feel more… I don’t know – manly? is paramount to a crime against women. So I agreed to do a little work with him so I wouldn’t rely on the clitoris so much to climax, and also encouraged him to explore my clitoris more so it feels like a shared experience, rather than something I do when I’m not getting what I want from his penis (which isn’t the case at all). I am also careful to always ask him permission to start touching my clit now. Sometimes he even tells me, “go ahead and touch your clit” which super turns me on and is a game in and of itself. It puts him in a more dominant position and the anticipation builds that way, so by the time I am actually touching my clitoris — or he is — it feels like some kind of reward.

One time he also expressed that when I grab his cock and rub it all over the outside of my vaginal opening and clitoris, and then put it back inside, it makes him feel like some kind of human dildo. OK so we have some deeper issues here, which I don’t necessarily need to address in this post, but you can see how some men could see a turned-on, in-control woman and take it completely the wrong way. I thought I was just showing him what I liked and that the feeling we both had would be one of teasing and shared pleasure. Apparently it made him feel less a part of the process. We probably need to do some work on D/s to define our roles in the bedroom a bit better. I refuse to have sexual experiences where I am silent and/or faking things, but I can probably be a bit more subtle in my approach to getting what I want, now that I understand how he feels about it.

Anyway, what this all comes down to is that we have a catch-22 where women are expected to love being penetrated by men, objects… even food?? and to get off on that alone. I blame porn for a lot of this conception, which portrays women being rammed by huge cocks and loving every second of it. When this is not the case, either the woman is made to feel that there’s something wrong with her, or the man feels inadequate. Or the woman sits there in silence until her man gets off. Or she feigns pleasure while hoping he gets off soon. Or she fakes an orgasm so he thinks he’s doing a good job only to find out months later that she actually thinks he’s lousy in bed. Hmmm…

The reality is that women prefer some combination of stimulus, and while the exact combination varies from woman to woman, one of the most exciting things about being with a woman is that you get to play with all of her buttons. Find out what sequence, and how hard or how soft, or how much she can handle being teased before she either gets bored or explodes in ecstasy. Encourage your woman to either signal subtly, or speak directly with you about what she likes. Feel free to challenge her and push her limits in ways she wouldn’t do on her own, but do not ever, ever underestimate her and the power of her full-body orgasm. Be the one who can help her harness that capability, rather than putting expectations on her that are limiting and detrimental to your communication and sexual experiences together.

On a lighter note, check out this awesome video which contains tidbits like “71% of women do not orgasm from penetration alone” and others that highlight some common misconceptions about sex that we get from porn. Hopefully the next time you get to bed with your partner you feel a little more secure, and open to exploration together.