Sick In the Summer

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It really sucks to be sick in the summer. While everyone else is swimming and drinking giant sweating glasses of lemonade, you’re stuck inside attached to a heated blanket despite the fact that it’s 90 degree out, and you’re begging your mom to buy you ginger ale and apply vapor rub to your chest. If you're unlucky enough to catch something nasty this summer, here’s a list of things you can do to keep from dying from your boredom on top of your disease.

Pretend you’re a vampire. Embrace your paleness, drink red stuff (medicine), don’t eat anything solid, and sleep all day. Take a snuggly blanket and fashion yourself an old-fashioned cape. Bite those who disrupt your sleepy time. Basically, do everything you already want to do when you're sick—just call yourself a vampire to make your activities seem more adventurous.

Concentrate on feeling better. Some people believe the sick can heal themselves. These people are probably whackjobs, but hey, self-healing is worth a shot. Visualize yourself getting better. Close your eyes and picture yourself doing a cannonball off the high dive and landing on a pretty young thing in the pool. If that doesn’t make your fever go away, just start crying to your mommy and demand she go get you the cough drops that taste like candy.

Come up with a list of things you could do to make yourself more sick. If you have a cold, start your list off with: 1) take take a freezing cold bath complete with ice cubes; 2) kiss a sexy girl with mono. If you have the chicken pox, start with shaving off the pox. When your mom takes too long to make your soup, threaten to actually proceed with these actions. Don’t be surprised if you find her spitting into your chicken noodle.

Practice hanging out in your underwear all day. Because, really, when else is this acceptable? Not until you get sent to an old person’s home. And even then, you’ll probably be forced to wear a muu-muu from Walmart.

Rediscover the gems of your youth. Bust out “Candy Land,” “Trouble,” and “Chutes and Ladders.” If you’re feeling completely comfortable with your masculinity, find your sister’s “Pretty Pretty Princess.” See if you can choral your entire family into some good, clean, old-fashioned bonding—the kind of stuff you used to do when you were a sweet six-year-old who hadn't yet Googled “can a whole family get divorced?”.