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Monday, May 31, 2010

Opening to the power of intention, you begin knowing that conception, birth, and death are all natural aspects of the energy field of creation. Clinging to attempts to think or reason your way to intention is futile. By banishing doubt and trusting your intuitive feelings, you clear a space for the power of intention to flow through. This may sound like hocus-pocus, but I prefer to think of it as emptying my mind and entering the heart of mystery. Here, I set aside rational thoughts and open to the magic and excitement of an illuminating new awareness.

-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer The Power of Intention

My bright pink and orange paisley bag is packed and sitting beneath the fireplace mocking me. Small spurts of energy devoted to nesting projects are divided by long periods of reading and resting. I feel sluggish and exhausted most of the time and to say that I am restless would be a gross understatement. To add to my anticipation, each member of my family systematically checks in on me, offering sounds of sympathy, labor induction remedies, and most commonly "when is she gonna come out?!" Though it is more than easy to give in to my feelings of frustration and lack of control, I am seeking a new direction.

Modern medicine has taken much of the mystery and reality out of the experience of pregnancy and childbearing. We get ultrasounds every step of the way to tell us our baby's size, position, estimated age, and sex. Women can ask to be induced and receive drugs to numb their bodies against one of the most elemental and miraculous occurrences one can have. As a culture, we have abandoned all of our trust in the unknown and subjected ourselves to numerous invasive tests all in the vain of knowing more than we are meant to.

While my demeanor in the last week has been edgy to say the least, I am doing my best to let go of my attachment to knowing. Thoughts of when and how Tallulah will come into my arms have infiltrated my mind, but I am seeing that the small amount of energy I possess is better spent exploring the positive aspects of my situation. Perhaps my prolonged pregnancy is one last lesson offered to me by the universe before I become a mother; the lesson that patience and trust are virtues of ultimate achievement. While I am 55 pounds larger than my usual self, experience constant fluctuation in temperature and mood, have trouble standing or sitting for extended periods of time, and am in the bathroom more often than any other room of the house, I can still see (with the help of deep breathing, spiritual reading, and my mom) the value in this period of limbo. If all else fails, I remind myself that I have waited 40 weeks for her arrival, a few more days simply isn't a bad bargain for the wonderful gift I am soon to receive.

Friday, May 21, 2010

We are entering the Age of Aquarius in 2012, November 11. It will be a new time. The entire psyche is changing...This Age you will all serve is the Age of Awareness, an Age of Experience. This transition to that Age began in the Piscean Age. The Piscean motto was: "I want to know. I need to learn." The Aquarian motto is: "I know. I want to experience." You will have to deliver experience to everyone. And you must deliver the experience to your self each day.

-Yogi Bhajan PhD, The Mind

In these last few days of pregnancy, feelings of anticipation and eagerness have enveloped me and every member of my family. I can only imagine how much my life is going to change, irreversibly, in what could be a week or a matter of hours. While there is not a lot else that I can or wish to do, I have been reading and meditating many hours of the day. I am simultaneously devouring The Mind and Living the Good Life. Though very different in theme and principle, both books relate to the feelings of uncertainty and excitement drummed up by the expectation of Tallulah. They have also stimulated my thoughts about another highly anticipated venture, my family's exodus to an "off the grid" residence.

Living the Good Life, written by Scott and Helen Nearing, is an extremely detailed account of a fifty year old couple's move from New York to Vermont during the Great Depression. With little knowledge or experience in farming or building, they moved to the country motivated by their desire for spiritual peace and self-sufficiency. They ultimately built several spaces, taking obstacles as they came and allowing the Universe to provide them with the solutions they needed. They developed a system that almost completely detached them from the US economy, which was their initial goal.

Though we don't plan on hand churning our own cement like the Nearings, we do aspire to live sustainably, as disconnected from mainstream life and economy as possible. Though the location is yet to be determined, there are many prospects, and regardless of the whereabouts, the vision remains. Our house will be powered by solar panels and a wind turbine, have a water catchment system and chemical-free purification, use composting toilets, candle lit lanterns, and a stone oven. My mom, the driving force behind this project, has a relentless vision and I have found her enthusiasm to be contagious.

The Mind is a book dictating several of Yogi Bhajan's lectures about the projections and facets of the human psyche. I cannot begin to describe the extensive theories this book contains, but one of the overlaying themes is the value and necessity of human consciousness. Though we have encountered many who say that the transition to an eco-friendly home will be too difficult, I am certain it is possible. The only prerequisite to this massive undertaking is a commitment from all participants to consciousness. We must manage our consumption of resources; water, power, heat etc. We will plant and live off of several indigenous fruits and vegetables and trade with the surrounding farmers for products we don't wish to produce. We will all take part in maintaining the property, which, after visiting a solar powered home and speaking with its inhabitants, seems to entail a lot more work and knowledge than one would think.

Though it won't be easy, with the exception of the birth of my daughter, I have never been so enthused about anything. I refer to this project as my mom's legacy, using her wisdom and fervor to provide for her family in a time when the length of resources is unknown. I am so proud I am able to be a part of this mission and contribute to creating a haven for my daughter in these times of economic and ecologic uncertainty. As I anticipate the birth of my daughter and the movement into the Aquarian Age, which many have declared the commencement of the apocalypse, I find equanimity in the belief that salvation can be found in a life lived consciously. I look forward to sharing these values with Tallulah and contributing to the creation of a being who will understand and live into the art of awareness.

We have not solved the problem of living. Far from it. But our experience convinces us that no family group possesing a normal share of vigor, energy, purpose, imagination and determination need continue to wear the yoke of a competitive, acquisitive, predatory culture. Unless vigilante mobs or the police interfere, the family can live with nature, make themselves a living that will preserve and enhance their efficiency, and give them leisure in which they can do their bit to make the world a better place.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I awoke suddenly this morning to a multitude of disruptive noises. It is the "Festival de Mayo" here in Pozos, a 3 week long extravaganza in which patrons from Mexico City, Queretero, and other large cities migrate to our tiny town and wreak havoc. The flare guns and church bells that usually only greet us on holy days or in the event of a death or birth, are now sounded every ten minutes. In addition to these intrusive sounds, there is a marching band that engages in intermittent drumming and singing throughout the day and night. So as I lay startled and frightened in my bed, the smell of pork fat from one of the many food vendors wafting through my window, I think on the lesson of acceptance.

I have recently been actively altering my behaviors and thoughts. I have grown to accept many things here that I previously allowed to effect me in a range of negative ways. I have even come to hold a special place in my heart for our 3 dogs, who I had formerly sneered at every chance I got. My siblings and I have been getting along famously and my mom and I have a wonderfully peaceful relationship. There still remains one person who I have yet to restore a bond with; Nana.

In years past, we have maintained a roller-coaster-like relationship. Mom and Nana owned a business together for 21 years, and all of us lived in the same house on several occasions. Though we were very close when I was young, as I grew older and witnessed the many conflicts between her and my mom, I couldn't help but see her in a different light. In many ways, I feel that my efforts to transform my being, are due to observing and wishing to reject her pattern of behaviors, but in doing the work I am seeing that my goal should be to accept her for who she is rather than use her as a adverse model.

According to the fabulous book The 8 Human Talents, the shadow emotion of acceptance is resentment. Not only is resentment harmful to the spirit but it can manifest itself in the form of various diseases and disorders of the low back and elimination organs. Though it will be an ongoing challenge to come to terms with all of the behaviors I have come to know as Nanaisms, I have to see the lesson in our relationship so as not to let the resentment rupture our connection or harm my health.

A couple of days ago I was assigned the spiritual name Dharamdev Kaur, which in brief means God's Princess/ Lioness who is an angelic spirit who fearlessly walks on the path of righteousness*. As I make every effort in my power to live into this fantastic name, it is my prayer that I can, in some small way, make a difference for Nana as well. Though there has been 70 years of groundwork laid, I am optimistic about my venture because I can relate to many of her behaviors that I find so intolerable, perhaps a reason why they irritate me so much in the first place. I pray that in my acceptance of her, she can learn to fully accept herself, because underneath all of the compulsions and attitudes exists a funny, quirky, and extremely talented woman who I hope to see more of in the coming years.

Friday, May 7, 2010

After a long, hot day in San Miguel de Allende, we all sat quietly on the hour long trek home. My nine year old brother, Tyler, had just purchased his first piece of art; a brightly colored painting of a dog eating a hot dog inscribed with the words "Dog Eat Dog." As I observed him holding his new prize and nodding off to sleep, I was overcome with love for this boy.

He is the resident noise maker. He and I argue several times in a typical day due to my intolerance and his decade old belief that he knows everything. It is petty and we usually hug and make up five minutes after our little tiffs, but we are still a disturbance to the rest of the family. Though I am often frazzled by his dynamic being, I have to believe it is my own hold-ups that produce our many conflicts, it is, after all, extremely immature for me to be feuding with someone 12 years my junior.

Despite his many efforts (intentional and non) to get under my skin, I must acknowledge that he is one of the most compassionate, alive, and fearless people, of any age, I have ever met. He is incredibly in tune to the needs of others and as the men of our family have left, he has picked up the slack. He voluntarily hugs all of the women in the family each morning, and relentlessly offers his help. He has a hard time concentrating on school work yet somehow manages to have an extremely advanced vocabulary and way of speaking. Because he is tall for his age and most of the nine year old Mexican boys come up to his waist in height, he has been hanging out with many 15 and 16 year olds. I watch him as he effortlessly deflects their teasing and mockery because he is confident in his greatness.

When he laughs, you simply can't resist laughing with him. Though his stories are long-winded diatribes about cartoons or construction work, when he ends a story with his contagious giggle, as he often does, it is nearly impossible not to be filled with joy.

Even in the face of all of our disagreements, he is my little brother. I love him and feel immensely privileged to be able to interact with such a special person on a daily basis. Everyday, his incredible curiosity, kindness, imagination, and strength of character inspire me to be a better person.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Everything in and about our lives runs off the fuel of our hearts. We will all have experiences meant to "break our hearts"-not in half but wide open. Regardless of how your heart is broken, your choice is always the same: What will you do with your pain?Caroline Myss PH.D. Anatomy of the Spirit

I feel sad. It has been two weeks and one day since Keikai left and though I make efforts to occupy myself with various activities, there are moments in each day when I am overcome with loneliness. These waves of emotion have no regard for what I am trying to accomplish at that given time and as a result I find myself welling up at the grocery store, in the shower, or while eating dinner. When confronted with these random spurts of sorrow, I give myself a few minutes to wallow before I submit to objectivity.

As I have stated in previous blogs, I have been reading and self-examining a lot lately. In my exploration I have found that an aspect of my life that has been lacking for many years is gratitude. I have always been the first one to complain or argue rather than take time to see the lesson in a less than desirable situation. In realizing this fact I have started an internal project; Mission Gratitude. About a week ago, I started taking note of everything I found fault with and for every grimace I emitted I immediately thought of something I was thankful for. If the church bells shake me from my sleep I take note of how wonderfully comfortable my bed is and how lucky I am to be able to sleep in it. The progress I have made in bettering my attitude is astounding. It has become easier for me to ignore small annoyances and focus on things that matter to me. This exercise in appreciation has lent me much insight into the person I wish, and am striving, to be.

Recently, many friends and family members have commented on my strength in dealing with my circumstances. Though I find these remarks flattering, they often catch me off guard because at this stage in my life I feel more vulnerable then ever. When I take a step outside of myself and try to see me as they are, I observe that the reason they see strength is because I am allowing for and acknowledging my frailties rather than running from them or covering them up. I am using this insecure time in my life to alter my being, and for the first time I am feeling the value in vulnerability.

Though I am sad and confronted, I have found reason to be grateful for this experience as well. Had this conflict never come to the surface, I would have remained in an extremely uncomfortable situation out of convenience and avoidance. I actually feel blessed even in the face of the pain, because I am proud of the person I am becoming as a result. I find solace in knowing I am setting an example and paving a wonderful path for my daughter to follow.