The thoughts and perceptions of an aspiring writer on life and the world around her

Live Breaking TV News Headlines Gone Awry

Whether it be your local news affiliates or the national and cable news shows, chances are that you might be familiar with them. And that you might be familiar with their use of captions through graphics to help you identify things as well ranging from story, location, or whoever’s being interviewed. Unlike the TV shows you watched which were taped and aired for an audience later, TV news is usually done live which leaves little room for mistakes. However, sometimes it doesn’t turn out that way. What I have to present to you are a series of news stills that contain their share of errors as well as crazy captions that go with them. I found these on sites thanks to Google as well as in places like Buzzfeed, Funny or Die, Fark, and others. Some of these captions may present a case of misindentification, spelling and grammar errors, redundant captions, and more. So for your reading pleasure I present to you stills of news captions gone wrong. Some of these might not be safe for work by the way.

A big racked 5-point horse was killed today before being sent to a taxidermist and served as venison.

I don’t expect much from people who do these captions. But if they can’t distinguish between a horse and a deer, that’s a big problem for me. Seriously, it’s a deer. An antlered deer. Get a clue.

2. A violent sexual predator is on the loose.

Yeah, his name is Sparky who has been humping almost every other pooch in the neighborhood. Make sure your pets are spayed and neutered.

3. Millions of Blackberry messages on hold throughout the galaxy.

Now even the Klingons can’t get their Blackberry messages now. Unfortunately, the real world isn’t Star Trek, CNN.

4. “Man in Boxers Leads Police on Brief Chase.”

Well, this headline seems actually appropriate. Still, the image of police chasing a guy in his underwear is hard not to laugh at anyway.

5. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting former President George Clinton.

Uh, he’s actually former President William Jefferson Clinton or Bill for short. And his wife is running for president. Get a grip.

6. Norway leads the medal count in the Sochi Winter Olympics.

Save for Norway and Austria, the flags don’t seem to match the country. Seriously, the stars and stripes is the US flag, not the Netherlands.’

7. Today Fox News is Live with former Republican Arizona Congresswoman J.D. Hayworth.

Okay, he may be a congresswoman in a man’s body. But that’s beside the point.

8. Here we are with Tiger Woods who’s just played his first golf tournament after his sex scandal.

Man, HLN did not use a good choice of captions here. Yes, he’s talking about golf. But the caption makes it sound so dirty.

9. The Associated Press is now with a guy who peed in a reservoir.

It’s funnier that his name is Josh Seater who most likely peed standing up. Unfortunately, he answered the call of nature at the wrong place such as a water supply.

10. Today on Fox News: Is Lowering the Minimum Wage Better for Workers?

I know that Fox News is a conservative cable news channel. However, even an idiot would say that lowering the minimum wage isn’t better for workers. Because there have been so many campaigns to raise it. Seriously, raise the minimum wage for crying out loud!

11. Here are live at Name Here with Name Here.

Someone forgot to add names in this caption. Now I don’t know who this guy is or where he’s at.

But whether this means his staff or his penis will be revealed after the next commercial. Stay tuned.

24. On CNN tonight is an exclusive on Michael Jackson’s death.

Shouldn’t CNN be paying more attention to the story of 60-80 thousand children crossing the US-Mexican border. I think that deserves more coverage than a news ribbon for Christ’s sake. Because it’s a bigger story.

25. Live at Eleven on Fox13: Human Remains Found which Could Belong to Lori Hacking.

However, this is a very terrible time to let people know that they can find recipes on your website. Seriously, this is not the kind of story.

26. In Dunwoody, Georgia, a Santa impersonator was asked to tone it down.

However, you’re probably not if you live in that burning building. Yeah, not a great scene to end a broadcast.

28. Today we’re speaking with Don Krasin, a World War 11 veteran.

I think it’s supposed to be World War II. But, the captioner had no idea of how to do Roman numerals. At any rate, Krasin always likes to talk about how he and his buddies took down the alien overlords.

29. At PIX, we’re with Gerard Jankowski who’s one angry guy.

But we don’t know what he’s angry about. Stay tuned for further details.

30. The main suspect in the Dentist Assault case is Firstname Lastname.

Someone really forgot to write the guy’s name. Now he’s going to be known by that for a very long time.

31. New at 10 on 19 Action News: Are Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches Racist?

Because they always seem to be depicted on white bread for some reason. Or maybe white people are projecting their latent racism on the sandwich?

32. New at 10 on KENS 5: Teen Werewolves.

Teen werewolves? Seriously? Seems like someone has been reading too much Twilight lately. Or watching too many werewolf movies.

33. On Fox News we have Michael Newman who is surprisingly not dead.

Guess this guy lived a very dangerous lifestyle like go near crocodiles and such. Still, what’s with the “surprisingly not dead” part?

34. We’re speaking with Aaron Mishkin a “Kick a Ginger Day” victim.

So kicking gingers is a thing? For God’s sake, this isn’t great for the ginger in question.

35. Today on KXLY 4 News: Man with Bizarre Name Arrested.

Is the bottom part his name? If yes, I feel very bad that his parents saddled him with that. If no, then the captioner must be goofing off.

36. From KARE News, have a safe and happy Memorial Day Weekend so buckle up, slow down, and drink and drive.

I think someone forgot to enter the word “don’t” before “drink and drive.” Because drinking and driving isn’t something society encourages. In fact, quite the opposite since such acts kill people as well as lead to jail time.

37. Exclusive on Korina Today, the MILF speaks.

Remember, in the Philippines, MILF is an Islamic terrorist organization. However, in America, we wouldn’t call that guy a MILF for obvious reasons.

38. On BBC News Today is Dr. Tom Hart a penguinologist.

Yes, penguinologist is a real job to describe someone who studies penguins. I googled the term myself. So the term isn’t a mistake by the BBC.

39. On The Weather Channel is Jeff Foster who’s tired of birds.

He even has a loud bull horn with him so he could tell the birds to get off his lawn. Yes, he’s a mean old man who hates birds.

40. Live on MSNBC: 8 dead and 30 killed in Chicago violence.

You can easily say, “38 dead” or “38 killed” in Chicago violence. Because killed and dead mean almost the same thing when you’re talking about murder.

41. At least the Rapist Search may be over soon according to ABC 7.

Of course, this guy isn’t going to have a nice day. Hope he has an alibi. Because the rapist sketch really resembles him.

42. Our #4 story on the Top 5 concerns Middletown’s very own Jack Goff.

43. Apparently, penalizing the Pittsburgh Penguins Alternate Captain was too much according to Pittsburgh’s FSN.

Not sure who this player is from the Pens. But he doesn’t seem to be too happy in the penalty box. Seems to have a face like a kid who’s just been sent to time out.

44. The Space Shuttle Columbia was traveling nearly 18 times the speed of light before the tragedy.

I remember that crash when I was 13. However, the shuttle wasn’t going 18 times the speed of light. Because that’s an impossible speed.

45. Live on WBTV 3 this morning a man was killed to death.

“Killed to death” really? That really doesn’t help matters. Just say the guy was killed because it’s obviously a murder story.

46. Breaking News on Fox 5 News: Fire Destroyed by Home.

I think it’s supposed to be “Home Destroyed by Fire.” Obviously someone got the word order wrong. Because homes don’t destroy fires.

47. On WUSA 9: J.C. McKinney goes for last minute groceries because he forgot cheez whiz.

Is a guy forgetting cheez whiz newsworthy? People forget cheez whiz all the time but they don’t get to be on TV.

48. Today on Fox News we sit down with Holocaust winner Elie Wiesel.

For crying out loud, Fox News, Wiesel’s a Holocaust survivor, not a winner. The Holocaust was a mass genocide, not a contest. This is fucked up.

49. According to Pat Buchanan on Fox News, illegal aliens are bringing STDs into the country.

Really? Some undocumented immigrants may have STDs. But syphilis and gonorrhea aren’t new STDs as well as easier to avoid than others. Besides, it’s very insulting.

50. According to a Rasmussen poll on Fox News, 59% and 35% believe that scientists falsified research to support their theory on global warming.

For one, global warming does exist and is a very real problem so the scientists aren’t falsifying their research at any rate. But since it’s Fox News we’re talking about, global warming denial is expected. Second, the math is totally wrong because the numbers add to 120%.

Unfortunately, Fox News totally fails in geography since they forget that Egypt is in Africa and across the sea from Saudi Arabia. The country between Iran and Syria is Iraq.

52. This Fox News correspondent is waiting for President Obama’s arrival.

Not if Michelle has anything to do with it. Still, that caption is so suggestive. Yet, Fox News didn’t change it.

53. According to this pie chart, here is how each GOP presidential candidate stands out.

Apparently, the person who designed this Fox News pie chart has no conception of math. Add 60%, 70% and 63%, you come up with 193%.

54. Wednesday at 10 on Fox 8 News: we’re going to show you Making Money with Your Body.

This is just so wrong on so many levels. From what I see, this seems like “How to Become a Prostitute” than anything. Not cool.

55. In the DA murder plot, Affidavit Reveals Possible Suspect.

An old guy on a segway who’s minding his own business? Don’t ask me, but I think this station might’ve used the wrong footage for the caption.

56. Homeowner burns house after setting snake on fire.

The guy could’ve just avoided the whole thing altogether by simply calling animal control. Seriously, they would’ve taken care of it just fine.

57. Today on All In with Chris Hayes is someone who studies duck genitalia.

Yes, there are people who actually do that. But still, it’s kind of hard to take seriously at any rate. Thank you, MSNBC.

58. According to CNN Money, Hogwarts costs more than Harvard.

This looks very wrong and probably not conducted by people who read the Harry Potter books. $123 for gloves, you got to be kidding me. Besides, they don’t seem to include a cauldron, a pet, or anything else. Not to mention, gloves don’t nearly cost that much.

59. Today’s weather report on 4 WARN is by meteorologist Dagny the Dog.

Seems like the forecast today isn’t calling for warmer temperatures that remain in the 20s and 30s. So wear a blanket.

60. Apparently, CBS News can’t name that player.

His last name is Jefferson which is on the back of his jersey. He’s from LSU. This is ridiculous.

61. According to WGN 9 News, Dwayne Wade is not a hockey player.

Well, that really narrows it down. So if he’s not a hockey player what is he? A basketball player? He seems to be wearing a basketball jersey. If so, then just say it.

62. According to the BBC, nobody cares about Declan Curry.

So if nobody cares, why is he on TV? Because somebody must care what he has to say or he wouldn’t be on the BBC.

63. David Davis was arrested while in the middle of a haircut.

That is possibly one of the funniest mugshots ever. Bet he’s going to be the laughing stock of the big house sometime soon.

64. We are now live with Name Last Name in Location.

Yet, another captioner not doing their job. Seriously, people have to know who the reporter is or where he’s at right now.

65. Fox News asks: How often to you think about touching other people’s private parts?

Like never. Still, I have a question for Fox News: why the fuck did you ask your viewers this? Then again, this might’ve been put forward by Roger Ailes who was head of Fox News at the time. And I know how often he thought about touching other people’s private parts.

So you don’t have to worry about a chainsaw wielding chicken murdering you anymore over your diet of poultry and eggs. He’s now in police custody as we speak. And he did not get to cross the road.

69. Reporting on MSNBC Norah O’Donnell from the White House.

Seems like forgetting 3 letters can make all the difference. No, I don’t think she’s reporting from “the White Ho.”

70. A developing story on LEX 8 News is of a Jessamine County inmate who overdosed on underwear.

First off, how is overdosing on underwear possible? Second off, why would anyone even try?

71. On Fox 2 a homeless man steals an EMS rig to go to a strip club.

Has anyone at the station heard the term ambulance? Because that’s what an EMS rig is. Also, why couldn’t a homeless man just steal a regular car to go to a strip club? Or walk?

72. Coming up on WTAE 4 Action News: Girl takes on Dick’s.

This one is from a news station where I live, by the way. Still, I think they mean Dick’s Sporting Goods in this context. But they had to use that caption with a girl looking at her cell phone, which suggests sexting.

I think the word is supposed to be “kitchen” not kitten. This Kansas City station might want to apologize to local cat lovers.

74. On WBRE we have continuing coverage of the serial butt stabbers.

Yes, the knife picture is quite appropriate. But while the serial butt stabbers may be serious threats, their name inspires shits and giggles. Hope they don’t attack from behind.

75. Kevin Poehner likes portable toilets as he stands near a Honey Bucket.

Nor sure what to think about that kid who may or may not have a sense a smell. Because outhouses are utterly disgusting and smelly places that I try to avoid.

76. Live in Phoenix, a suspicious flashlight was found in a parking lot between 3rd Avenue and Jefferson.

I guess this is going to come down to a waste of airtime as reporters speculate who left the flashlight in the parking lot. Stay tuned.

77. New this morning on ABC 13: Cat called for jury duty.

Yes, it should come as a shock, even for the cat. Don’t ask me how this happened.

78. According to CNN, experts agree that Osama Bin Laden is either alive or dead.

Well, that really clears things up. Then again, if experts can’t make up their minds whether someone is alive or dead, it shouldn’t be news.

79. Fox Toledo brings you more coverage of the Cheeseburger Stabbing.

What is there someone going around stabbing cheeseburgers? I need details for God’s sake.

80. On Fox News, Neil Cavuto asks, can sex with underage boys be a good thing?

Why the fuck would anyone in their right mind ask that question? Hell, no, could sex with underage boys be a good thing for obvious reasons. There’s a reason why people who do that get on Megan’s Law for God’s sake!

81. On LEX 18 News a woman was glued to a toilet at a Wayne County Wal Mart.

This woman’s face is like: “Why do I have to do this ridiculous story? I didn’t sign up for this. Don’t people have any common sense?”

82. Breaking on Fox 40 reports Obama Bin Laden dead.

I guess this was a slip of the tongue, given Obama’s reputation on Fox News. Sorry, but it’s Osama Bin Laden who’s dead thanks to Obama.

83. Fox 5 sits with actor Omar Epps.

Sorry but that’s definitely not actor Omar Epps. Because Omar Epps is obviously black and doesn’t have a lot of hair.

84. According to the Greg-Alogue on Fox News, sex with robots may not be what it’s all cracked up to be.

Other than its obvious right wing biased news commentary and coverage, is there any reason why we make fun of Fox News? Probably because they air stuff about sex with robots and other stories like that.

85. On Fox 25, we’re live on the news story about a captain’s epic search for his sandwich.

How is this news? Seriously, people miss sandwiches all the time. But they move on with their lives. This is just fluff.

86. Breaking news on PIX is Top Line All Caps in Bottom Line All Caps.

Seems like a crime story by the police cars. But you don’t know why they’re there. Because someone forgot to do the caption.

87. KATU 2 is live in Downtown Portland in our continuing coverage on the sign bandit.

And it seems that the sign bandit was just there. Just look behind the reporter.

88. Fox 14 News brings you coverage on the drunk driving lasw.

I think it’s supposed to be “laws.” But the captioner didn’t have time to proofread before they were on the air.

89. NY 1 sits down with actor Wesley Snipes.

That’s Democratic New York congressman Charlie Rangel who left office in disgrace over a corruption scandal. Jon Stewart often made fun of him on the Daily Show for awhile.

90. Rodney Stanger: Cold Case Suspect?

That’s a hamster with a director’s board. Really not someone you’d consider a cold case suspect. This is just hilarious.

91. Breaking on CBS Sports: Everything is back to normal.

Uh, a football player just got hurt here so the Steelers-Ravens game stopped. So no, everything is not back to normal. Has this captioner ever been to a football game?

92. Breaking News on KDKA 2: Many words should fit in this sentence bar. Do not try to type in a paragraph to tell the story.

Another local station where I live. Seems like a captioner wasn’t doing their job at a critical moment.

I think it’s supposed to be “education.” But someone on Fox News forgot to proofread before it went on the air. Really makes them look bad. Then again, this was the network that said the Pilgrims celebrated Christmas.