Observations Like a Soy Burger

I think Ozzie Guillen and Lou Pinella should be forced to live together during the off season as the premise for a reality show. If you disagree, you are either not a fan of baseball or are a total moron. Imagine Lou and Ozzie freaking on the pizza guy for taking ninety minutes to deliver their pie. Ozzie would be all like, “Look man, I know you got a job to do and all but that pizza took forever. I’m not even hungry anymore. We ain’t paying shit.” And then when the pizza guy started apologizing and trying to keep the sale, Lou would chime in, “What the fuck are you still doing here? Get off my property before I stick a size twelve in your ass you non-delivering fuck stick. Your whole company sucks.” Lou would then grab a chair and chase the pizza guy back to his car while Ozzie laughed hysterically. Couldn’t you just imagine Ozzie and Lou arguing over household chores or who left their socks on the floor? Or going grocery shopping together and fighting over which salad dressings to get for their barbecue? My God, the possibilities are endless. It’d be like the odd couple on acid. I need to stop now. This could turn into a ten pager.

A 21 year old girl with two children (whom she does not have custody of) asked me out today. By the way, she lives in a trailer and works as a cashier at a pizza shack. Something tells me she’s great in bed. Something else tells me that there’s no way in hell…

Joe the Tile Guy brought me a USF Bulls beer cozy the other day. I thanked him casually and we proceeded to down a few beers. Later though, I couldn’t help thinking, “Wow. That Joe is a hell of a guy for thinking about me.” Men: who says we’re not sensitive?

The coolest thing about being on Points in Case is being made fun of by Mikey. So far, he’s mimicked me in a column and made fun of my Snippets in his blog. And I must say, it’s an honor to have such a great photographer make fun of my work.

And finally, because this is one of those entries where I break fluidity and logic like a hurricane crushes trailers, I leave you with the following, which was e-mailed to me last week:

“If [you’re] trying to be a comedian or taking some kind of journalism; don't give up your day job at McDonalds.”

17 Comments

...actually, as an after thought, scratch what I said about being compassionate and caring. I forgot I was talking to Nate Degraff, and the only thing less likely to happen than you giving a damn about anyone but yourself is... Nope... nothing less likely to happen...

You think you're really something, don't you? You know, there are a lot of things I could say right now... Call you an asshole, maybe even go so far as to say you don't have much of a sense of family pride. Life's been really tough on us this past year, and it's still relatively painful. You don't have to go around trying to make it seem like we're upset over nothing. He wasn't even my dad, it's not even technically my family, but I still understand why they are upset. Maybe you just dont get it because you don't have something like this in your family, or hell, maybe no one ever did as much for you as Bryan did for Stacie and Scott. All I'm going to say is this: Family is the only thing those kids have. Yeah, maybe they got overly upset about what some jerkoff said over the internet, but seriously, how would you feel is your real father abandoned you, and someone else stepped up, raised you, taught you everything you know, even after they were no longer obligated to, and you had a firm, deep set tradition with them, and then out of nowhere, someone writes not one, but two malicious statements about that person and attacks your family tradition and calls you a liar? Then how would you like it if someone you thought you could talk to told you that your problems were "no big deal" and to "get over them" and "switch to decaff"? You'd probably be a little aggravated. As for writers supposedly needing to have thick skin, I think Stacie has stated several times that she's not a writer. I know that Scott is not a writer, he's a police officer. Basically, all I have to say is, maybe instead of coming up with some kind of quit witted, deep cutting remark, or an off the cuff insult, you might try being compassionate to a girl who, at one point, really liked talking to you and enjoyed reading your work, and even listen to some of your delimmas and offered some advice, instead of writing her off and telling her to switch to decaf when all she wanted to do was get something of her chest.

I've said my piece, say what you will about it, I'm not a writer, but I do have thick skin. I'm a black woman. You can't bother me.

Scott, try this out: the only reason you should take someone's comments seriously is if you respect the commenter. Mellow, dude. By devoting all those words to the situation, you've basically said you're gonna acknowledge and respect every dumbass who disses your sister ina n internet column box. Smile, smile, smile brother

Hello Nate. Look, I appreciate your need to go around preaching the gospel of the nate way to everyone, but you didnt read the second comment the jerk left in her blog. And while it may not seem like a dig deal to you, your father isn't dead. No one called your fathers life and legacy a sob story. My sister doesnt cry over much, but I saw her cry over this, and it hurt me. Some asshole who didnt even know her insulted her, belittled her father's memory, and generally made her livid. It's America, and last I checked, even on PIC, I could express my opinion anyway. Just like you express yours with your tails of womanizing, manwhoring, drinking, and generally pigish habits. Just like I can talk about my girlfriend's ability to deep throat a squash ( I noticed you didn't take offense to that). I reiterate, you did not read the second comment that was deleted from the blog because it was so offensive. It's not right for someone to say what they said, even over the internet in a blog, and it really pisses me off that who ever said it couldn't even leave a name. My sister can hold her own in any barfight, shes beautiful, she's smart, and she's funny, but she lets her emotions get the better of her, and sometimes someone has to be there and fight back with her. You might think it's stupid, but this is part of what makes us family.