‘Wet-wipes invading from sea’ warn scientists

Experts from the Centre for Seaborne Threat Analysis have confirmed that a full-scale invasion is underway, from life-forms masquerading as small, inanimate pieces of cleansing material.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Centre’s Slough Branch, said “For years these creatures have been living amongst us, appearing mysteriously in ‘dispensers’ on supermarket shelves, so that we unwittingly take them into our homes.

“Once they have infiltrated your house, the so-called wet-wipes can study you, and plot your downfall.

“Now, after years of biding their time and finding all our weakpoints, they are arriving on our beaches in colossal numbers, ready to overwhelm and suffocate us in their cloyingly-scented folds.”

It is thought that the ‘wet-wipes’ have also been using kamikaze tactics, entering the UK’s sewer system in their millions, sacrificing their lives to block pipes and cause huge pile-ups of ordure to spill out onto our streets, spreading infection and disease.

Experts say this has already happened in Birmingham, but none of the residents have noticed.

Mother, Wendy Nailinthehead, who has used thousands of wet-wipes over the years to clean her children’s shitty backsides, said “To be honest, I’d be pissed off too if someone kept grabbing hold of me and rubbing their anus on my face.