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Wednesday, February 29, 2012

My post csection thoughts

Baby Jacobs #3 is due in a few months. I remember so well what it was like when Jack was this age. I was desperate to have a vbac. I mean, it was literally constantly on my mind, in my prayers. I begged God on a daily basis for this gift.

Derek and I picked out a date (June 17 - 37 weeks). We prayed constantly that God would allow me to go into labor on that day and have a natural birth. Up until that day, I was confident God would answer that prayer.

Then the day came. And went. And Jack was getting bigger fast.

To answer your burning question... no, I did not have gestational diabetes with either baby. In fact, I often struggled with low blood sugar. I was also anemic during both pregnancies which supposedly contributes to low birth weight. Also, I gained significantly less weight with Jack than I did with Marie. And he was well on his way to being much larger than she was.

Every night I would think, this is the night! I will wake up to horribly painful contractions and jump for joy. Every time I felt any kind of cramping, I'd get excited and beg for them to get painful.

I drank raspberry leaf tea religiously. I sat on an exercise ball every time I was on the computer, working on jewelry, watching TV, anything. I bounced on it incessantly. I jogged. I made my food so spicy I couldn't taste it. I forced the doc to strip my membranes.

Some people used to ask why on earth I would want to go through labor when I had a flawless and minimally painful csection. The bottom line was that I felt like a failure as a mother if I couldn't birth my own children. Or at least try. Somehow I had myself convinced at a subconscious level that it was my fault that I had to have a csection with Marie. And I had to make up for it somehow. I had to give birth to Jack "the way God intended" or I was unfit to even be his mother at all.

It's nice to not be in that place anymore. God has grown me. He has opened my eyes to so many truths that have led me to be overwhelmed with thanksgiving for modern medicine.

If God hadn't given humans the capacity to come up with cesarean sections, my daughter would likely be paralyzed, or not have survived at all. And Jack would probably not exist as I may never have been able to have kids again. Having those csections was a couple of the best decisions I've ever made.

I'm also grateful Jack didn't come at 37 weeks, because when he was born at 39 weeks he was in distress and had breathing issues. One week early was almost too early. God knew exactly what He was doing.

He also knows exactly why He grows big babies in me while giving me a less-than-ideal body for birthing babes. It's annoying that I have no idea why, but He has proven Himself enough times to be more than worthy of my complete trust.

I still pray for a vbac often. I still dream of my perfect birthing story. I mean, if I could give birth at home in a bathtub and know my baby would be safe, I would do it in a heartbeat! But I don't feel guilty anymore. I don't blame myself anymore. And I'm not frustrated that God would "curse" me so.

I have two beautiful, strong, healthy gifts from God with another growing just as strong and healthy. If God decides to allow a vbac, I will praise His name! If He decides it is best for baby and momma to have a csection, I will praise His name!

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,"
declares the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are
My ways higher than you ways and My thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9

2 comments:

Great post! I felt the same way when I ended up with a c-section with E. For a while I felt like I had to explain myself anytime someone asked to make sure they knew I didn't want it, it just happened. That way, they would know I was a good enough mom to want to deliver naturally.

Now I know it as God's perfect plan for me. Hopefully when we have another one, I'll be able to remember that.

Lindsay, I don't know what it feels like to have gone through labor and end up as a c-section, but I'm sure it's hard when people put pressure on you to have your babies "naturally". That's not fair and I'm thankful that you're allowing that misdirected guilt to leave your conscience. Thanks for the vulnerability and reminder to be careful how I speak to others.

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"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways," declares the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9