Tag Archives: long-lasting marriage

It’s been a while since I have read an article as positive about marraige as this one by Jeanine Earnhart at Huffington Post. The article is called “Grow old with me, the best is yet to be.” It began with Earnhart admiring an older married couple, picturing her own marriage at that stage. Earnhart makes her point by sharing her marital experience:

“The longer we’re married, the better it gets and I’d like to think that is a pattern that will continue. Whether you have been married a few years, 25 years or in the planning stages of your wedding, know that there is a future filled with rewards from the work you are putting into your relationship now. The “gold watch” or the “bonus” from years of marriage cannot be seen or worn or spent, but felt by an invisible connection between you and your partner.”

It’s great to hear such a positive sentiment about aging and about staying with the same person. Rather than being stifling, it’s nourishing and fulfilling.

“It is a good feeling to know that your partner will be with you through the best and the worst parts of your life. Here is a friend who is offering unconditional love, appreciating you for who you are and for who you have become. To be able to sit in a room with another person, not saying a word, and not feeling like you should be talking, yet knowing there is an invisible bond between you, is like the safety you feel when coming home.”

I know there are many single readers here, and it’s not my intent to say married life is a better choice for everyone. However, for those who choose married life, I think it’s great to share the positive experiences and comfort you experience.

Read the entire post, and then share with your partner what you think your future will look like together. Spend 10 minutes together and talk about what you imagine growing old together to be like.

Unfortunately, for an increasing number of older adults, marriage isn’t lasting to old age. This article from the U.K. states that a growing number of over 60s are seeking divorce. Divorce rates in England are up 4 percent in two years for this age group, but down for other age groups. “Experts claim that many older couples are drifting apart out of disillusionment in their marriages once their children have flown the nest.”

It’s a good reminder that we can’t expect a close, loving relationship to last for decades without investing time and energy to maintain it, and without keeping it a priority over our kids and our careers.

Most divorces are not the result of major conflicts, but rather the slow erosion of your marriage. You think your marriage is fine because nothing major has happened, but you’re drifting apart. Wake up, and turn the tide.

Rather than a major tipping point that causes a rift in the marriage, many couples simply lose touch with each other, says Edward M. Hallowell, co-author of Married to Distraction: How to Restore Intimacy and Strenghten Your Partnership in an Age of Interruption. “The ambient noise of life takes over,” he says, adding that couples lose the fun and moments of sustained attention because they are surrounded by stimuli.

Research shows two-thirds of divorces result from low-conflict marriages. In other words, it’s the small stuff that can destroy your relationship and get between you and a great life together.

What stimuli might be causing chaos or interruptions in your life? Is it the hectic pace of life? The intrusion of technology? Is it the sometimes overwhelming nature of child-rearing or over-involvement in extracurricular activities? Is it unfulfilled dreams?

The good news, say the experts, is that low-conflict problems are “highly solveable” compared with affairs, addictions or huge financial debt. However, if ignored, the drudgery of life can be very damaging to your relationship.

“There are a lot of marriages of quiet desperation that just drag on and on until they end in divorce,” says Pamela Haag, author of Marriage Confidential. However, she adds that many marriages can survive if the partners are willing to be flexible and sometimes imaginative with solutions.

“The first step is to have the difficult conversation and actually hazard some honesty with your partner,” she explains. Rather than focusing on how to “stick it out” in marriage, determine how you can change your lives so that you can thrive in your marriage.

Note: I’m excited to announce that First Kiss to Lasting Bliss: Hope & Inspiration for Your Marriage will be released December 8, 2011. Please follow the Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/LastingBliss and check out details at www.LoriDLowe.com. Thank you.

Many of you have asked me to compile some of the most important marriage advice into a useful resource that you can share with others. Today, you can download Marriage Gems: 10 Secrets to Marital Happiness at no cost. I’m interested in your feedback on what you consider to be the most important factors or secrets to a happy marriage. Did I leave out any you consider to be essential? What’s your favorite of the ten?

Please pass it on to your friends or family by linking them to this blog post or here. You’ll also see on the page that you can share the e-book via FaceBook, Twitter or other tools, as well as comment on it. I want to thank my amazing designer and great friend Sharron Wright, who helped me make this book stunningly beautiful. (Visit her blog Moms with Grace.) I hope you enjoy the e-book and share it with anyone whom you think would benefit.

In addition to this new e-book, I’ve also added other marriage resources to my blog, including a list of blogs I enjoy, a directory of pro-marriage therapists, and a list of useful marriage books. In case you’re wondering, no one is paying me to recommend any of these resources. Just scan the new pages at the top of the home page to locate them.

If you aren’t a regular subscriber, please consider doing so either via email or RSS in the top right column. We’d love to have you join the conversation here about what challenges you in marriage and what lights your fire.

Author and psychologist Maggie Scarf, who has herself been married 55 years, interviewed 75 couples between 50 and 75 years old to learn about marriage in the later years. The result is a book called “September Songs: The Good News About Marriage in the Later Years.” She expected lots of complaints about how tough life and marriage was in these longer marriages. What she found was that most marriages showed a U-shaped trajectory over time.

In the beginning of these marriages was a blissful peak, which was followed by a challenging time with the stress of career building and child rearing. Many of you are currently in this challenging time. In fact, this is frequently when marriages fall apart or become extremely worn out. “Every marriage has a downside, a time when you looked across the room and thought …what is it with this person?” Scarf said. But there is a longer view to keep in mind.

What Scarf found was that couples who got through the tough patches gained more time together and “refound” one another, including the fun and intimacy they once had. They actually regained that peak point, making the other side of the U. Scarf calls these happier older years the “bonus years” which include a longer, healthier, happier life.

The secret of a long marriage may be that couples who stay together can envision this up side while they are enduring stressful times. In fact, I just interviewed an amazing military family that has endured an Iraq deployment and many years of infertility. Now that they have a house full of young children (whom they struggled and longed for), they have little time for one another. However, they like to focus on the joy amidst the current chaos, and the peace they will eventually enjoy together when their children are a little older. In short, they can see to the other side.