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tisdag 1 oktober 2013

Goodbye Dexter

@PBR_81DEXTER

It´s time to say goodbye to my old TV-friend. His name
is Dexter Morgan and he kills people but just those how really deserve it, he
kills brutal murderers. I have known him
for about eight years and even if I´m going to miss him it feels kind of good.
We both need to move on with our lives.

When I first started to get to know Dexter he told me
he wasn’t a human, he was just imitating human behavior so people wouldn’t suspect
him and see the monster behind the mask. I could really relate to that. I never
felt I fitted in anywhere with anyone and when I tried faking human behavior I
just felt false and never really got close to anyone. Dexter was free in his
night job killing all those bad guys and I was free in my writing literary
saying all those things and killing of all those people that just seemed to
work against me all the time.

I remember when Dexter tried to get close to Rita that
he was with just because he needed a facade to show for the world, something
that made him look normal. I had a similar girlfriend once and like Rita she
had trouble to get close to anyone, because she was wounded by earlier
relationships. When I told her that I loved her she became happy, overexcited.
But very soon my words turned into a broken record that just repeated the same
lines over and over again. That made her mad because she didn´t believed I
meant them, that I just said it because that´s what she wanted to hear. I think
my friend Dexter felt the same way, I mean how can you say it like you mean it,
when you don´t? Because you just stand the relationship, you think it´s just
the way it has to be, it´s as good as it gets. Because in the end of the day
you’re not a real person, just a monster whith a smile glued to your face and
the person you really are, is a creature that anyone could never love, not
really.

I remember a birthday years ago when I was sitting on
a cheap pizza place drinking a light beer, when my borderline girlfriend at the
time cut her wrists and drove to her ex boyfriend. She was gone for hours without
answering her phone. I wasn’t angry or upset when she finally got home, I felt
like Dexter out on his lawn after Trinity had killed Rita and Dexter finds her
bathing in her own blood in the bathtub. That it somehow was his fault even if
he just had done what he thought was best, even if it wasn’t him holding the
knife.

I´ve
had Miguelfriends too. That kind that believe that they know and understand
you, then they suddenly take advantage of you because it´s all right they know
what’s okay because they know you even if they actually don´t. I´ve got rid of
them too not as brutal as Dexter of course but still I´ve broken all bands with
them. If you let them they will tear you apart and they think they do it
because it´s best for you. Not to mention positivism persons like Jordan Chase,
Mr. Take it take it now! I´ve meet people like that, and they send out a crazy
vibe. They don´t feel real, they just hide their true self under a perfect
façade that everything is possible and often I believe that they are totally
crazy in a level. It´s something really wrong with the way they look at
themselves and when Dexter hunt and finally puts a dead stop to him, it felt
extra good, because he had that kind of personality that I just can´t
stand.

I was glad when Dexter met Lumen it was the first time
he met a women that really understood him. They planned and hunted together, even
got matching tools and outfits, it was quite lovely. Even then they weren’t
going out camping but killing together. Dexter helped her to channel the rage
and anger and she got her vengeance. After that she was trough the dark
passenger had left her, the urge was gone. She understood him but she know his
dark passenger wasn’t about to leave him yet, but she had to move on. He was
left sitting there at the stove and carried his passenger further. Those things
really hurt. Lumen means light in Latin, and that´s what those kind of “Lumen
persons” are important to light up your way for a while down the path but stay
to long and it will get infected and destructive. I had a Lumen in my life for
a while, but you have to part ways, I did when my world rumbled. When my light
went away I spent some time in the darkness, I had to put myself in a psyche
ward a while to even survive.

Sometimes
I envy Dexters close relationship too his dead father Harry Morgan. My father
is also dead and has been so for a long time, I hardly remember him, he is
barely a distant ghost in my life, while Harry is constantly there and speaks
with Dexter on a daily basic. He gave Dexter The codes of Harry that frames his urge, they becomes the high
moral that Dexter in the end actually have. In a way I have a moral a bit like
Dexters even if mine is not quite as brutal and maybe I got mine from my father
to. Mine is shown by me being annoyed and angry at things that I know is wrong
and at people that can do better but they just refuse and won’t change their
mind even if logic says different. Sometimes I write long, well written letters
to complain to them or their bosses or to politicians that can or at least
should do an actual change. And I do this even if the results of my offers are
slim and I know it´s not often helping
me much myself but in a way I have to do it, I got the urge to and till I have
I´m walking around really upset and can´t concentrate on anything else.
Sometimes it actually makes a difference for others then me, I´m fighting
against the little wrongs in the world and even if I can´t help myself doing it.
In a way it´s a bit similar till what Dexter does, minus the murders.

Like Dexter I have a sister but she is really Debras
complete opposite. Dexter said early on that if he could ever love someone it
would be Debra and she is really loveable. She helps him out in every way that
I doubt anyone else would or could. She shoots Maria in the container, she
really does everything for him. If it was me in Dexters shoes and it was my
sister that was holding the gun, then it would have been quite different. She
should have shoot me instead, she had emptied the slot in me. Even if she is
not a police officer, more like a blood analysis she holds laws and rules very
close to her heart, if you don´t obey them you are guilty and if she was faced
with the choice in upholding the law or saving the life of her brother she
would choose the law every day in the week. She is the most unempathic person
I´ve ever meet, while Debra is very empathic especially with Dexter.

Finally Dexter found his Hannah and so did I. A Hannah
is someone that really understands you or at least never stops trying to and
most important of all can accept it and can live with it, even if she´s not
like you herself. Hannah made Dexter
realize that the dark passenger inside him, might not even exist, that it might
just be a feeling a kind of need that actually could be suppressed. It´s a bit
like that for me to sometimes, when I feel that I really need to write to get
stuff of my chest, but I don´t really have to write most of all, because
sometimes it more important things I have to do. I don´t stand and fall with my
writing that I felt I did before, I can do it later. It´s not easy to realize
that but when you do, you can relax in a completely different way.

I was most
proud Dexter when he gave his stepdaughter Astor's friend's stepfather a
warning because he abused his stepdaughter. It was perhaps the most human thing
he ever done. If I can ever do anything similar to that myself I would be proud
for a lifetime.

My friend Dexter and I have walked a similar path, on
a personal level anyway, so it´s hard to leave but it feels like it's about
time. We had our facades that we no longer need to keep up with the same
frenzy. We have fought against those idiots who believe they are above all what
morality is and it has crashed so with our morale because we felt obliged to
fight back. We both had our dark passenger and we finally realized that it
might not even have existed, that it only was an escape from ourselves, the fear
to really grab life. We have absent dead
fathers who appeared to us and we looked up to them but when time went
by we learned that they weren’t heroes, only people with both good and bad
sides, just like us.. We've talked to psychologists who have helped us on to
the next level. Both have had children and met our "Hannah”.

I think Argentina will be a good place for you to
start over Dexter. I have moved around several times before and sometimes you
need to move to find your home and now when you are safe in yourself by living
with someone how truly knows you I think you will have a home wherever it might
be. I think there is much we can leave behind us now my friend. So I say
goodbye my friend, I´m happy that I got to know you. Best wishes on your further
journey.