Since we’re already on the subject of horror show torsos that can be the next Batman villain, here’s Darryn Lyons (aka Mr. Paparazzi) from the UK’s Celebrity Big Brother proudly flashing his bought-and-paid-for fake six-pack gut that looks exactly what Ryan Reynold’s body would look like if he shoved a bike pump up his ass and pumped until he was about pop. I blame Matt Lucas for giving a bitch ideas.

Darryn bragged to his housemate, Paddy of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, that he got the dude equivalent of a boob job. More like the asshole equivalent of LeAnn Rimes’ sternum tits. Darryn said that a plastic surgeon liposuctioned a bunch of chunk from his gut to bring out his ab muscles. Darryn went on to explain, “I had contouring done to my body. I had to get really fit and lose a fair bit of weight. It takes away all the fat around it and actually lets your natural abs be there. Basically it’s the male version of a boob job.”

I’m all for almost wet vacuuming up your internal organs for the sake of deformed vanity, but that bitch has to know this looks about as natural as one of those six-pack t-shirts. The abs part of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume wrapped in pastry dough would look better than this shit. Actually, this fool looks like he’s wearing a turtle shell over his belly. It’s like if King Koopa was in the middle of an exorcism skull spin and his head got stuck facing the wrong way. Darryn is giving us a glimpse of The Situation’s midlife crisis and nobody asked for it.

That being said, I’d still hit it. WELL, while you’re riding that shit you can play a half-court game of Tic-Tac-Toe on his hard gut. How can I turn down a half-court game of Tic-Tac-Toe?

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