A brag and a rant

First, difficult child has been doing wonderfully. I'm so proud of her. She has started herself back on medications. She had two impulse control incidents in 3 weeks and while they weren't terrible or anything, she was really beating herself up about it. We talked about why it was happening and she explained that when she gets really worried about things she just does things without thinking. I told her I understood because I had been there myself...explained how when I was so depressed shopping was my impulse control thing. I didn't just shop a little. I shopped a lot. Cleaned out my closet a couple years later and found clothes with tags on them that I don't remember buying. Then explained that the medication will help keep her anxiety at a manageable level and will give her more control over these impulsive things. That was it. No WWIII over medications. She decided that she did need help with that and has been taking her medication. And OMG what a difference. She's soooo much calmer. I'm still not convinced that aliens didn't take over her body while she was sleeping one night.

I was worried about Thanksgiving with my mom because she and difficult child have not been getting along, but difficult child was a total easy child. It was easy child that was a complete difficult child...but I'll get to that. In addition, difficult child has done most of the packing for our move. Part of it is that it helps alleviate anxiety (yay! difficult child for recognizing that) and part of it is that I'm not able to do as much right now and she is stepping up to the plate. I've seeing more maturity in difficult child in the last 2 weeks then I've seen in the last 2 years. It makes a mother's heart so proud.

Now onto easy child. I call him easy child because he's neurotypical, but he's by no means a easy child. I'm so frustrated with him most days lately that I could just scream. I did one night. The night before we had Thanksgiving with my mom (a week ago Saturday), he was horrible. I was awakened by difficult child because easy child wouldn't turn down his tv and it was keeping her awake. It's never a good idea to wake mom because two too old for this kids are fighting. I told easy child to turn down his tv and he proceeded to argue with me about it and would not give an inch. I finally told him to send his friends home and that he was grounded. He then said to me, "You're week is going to s-uck." He said that several times and told difficult child that she was getting what she wanted...that she didn't care about the volume she just wanted his friends sent home. Sooo not the case. Anyway, after his comment about how my week was going to be, I told him not to ask me for anything. To which he replied, "What do you do for me anyway?" I told him to get out of my sight.

I calm down and head back to bed about 15 minutes later. I'm not in bed 2 minutes and easy child flips on the hall light, walks into my room and proceeds to argue some more. He said that if someone is going to be unreasonable, he's going to let them know and that's who he is and he's not changing. I told him, first good luck holding a job. And second, I wasn't being unreasonable; he was. He knows his sister cannot tune things out...part of the sensory thing. Oh..well he forgot or didn't know or whatever. I told him that I was in bed because I was going to sleep and to leave my room. No response. So, again I said to get out of my room. This time he replied, "No." At that point I lost it and screamed - not yelled - "GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" The kind of screaming that makes your throat sore. I was furious with him. He ended up not going to Thanksgiving dinner with us - his choice. If I were a good mom, I would have missed him being there, but I didn't. I was so furious with him and we had such a nice time without that tension.

His latest thing (as in earlier tonight) is that he's moving to his dad's. You know...the place where everytime he goes he's miserable and comes home and complains how they don't accept him for who he is, always make him out to be a troublemaker, don't pay him any attention...blah, blah, blah. When he was younger he always came home and ended up sleeping in my room either in the chair or in a sleeping bag on the floor for a couple weeks. But now it's a wonderful place where he can go to escape the nightmare of living in this house with a sick mom and a not spotlessly clean house. It's manipulation pure and simple.

I don't think he expected my reaction tonight. He starts it with why would we care, we just hate him anyway. Drama, drama, drama. I did reassure him and told him why I don't want him to go and why I don't think he'll be happy (see above). But I told him that some people needed to learn these things the hard way and he might just be one of those people. Then I told him that if he was going to go then he needed to decide by Thursday. I told him that his timing s-ucked and he needed to think fast because the only reason we were staying in this small town was for his benefit. difficult child and I have no ties to this town. We would have a lot more options elsewhere. I also explained that Nana and Granddad are going to be supporting us, but that if he's not going to be here we don't need to get a 3 bedroom and can save money - plus have more options as 3 bedrooms are less readily available. Or possibly, difficult child and I would move in with Nana and Granddad until I get back on my feet...something we can't do if he's here.

He just looked stunned. He wasn't expecting that at all. Then difficult child told him that she didn't want him to leave. And easy child told her he thought she was lying. I could have disowned him right there and then. It was completely unprompted from difficult child and he crushed her. He did try to go make it right, but too little too late.

At this point I think he should go to his dad's just so he can see how good he really has it.

I know he's stressing about having to move, but he really needs to get over it. We are moving 5. minutes. away. Same school, same friends (some who live within walking distance...as in across the street). You would think we were moving across the country. I'm having a hard time finding a lot of sympathy for him. I have taken everything into consideration as it pertains to his needs and wants. He's very much a homebody so I know leaving our house is hard. I also know it's stressful having a sick mom. But enough is enough is enough. He has a good life full of people who love him and want only the best for him and he doesn't want for anything.

First, the good stuff. Sounds as if little miss difficult child is maturing! Making the medication decision and stepping in to help you regarding the move is a real positive sign that she is making progress! Great news!

And now, on to the one you call a easy child! Sounds like a difficult child to me! I, like you, understand the anxiety that a move can make for someone like him. My difficult child would be traumatized should we move (which is in my future because I really do want to downsize from this huge old house I live in).

I know you've probably done this already, but sitting down with him alone and having an "adult" discussion regarding the move and your health concerns is a good idea. I know the kids know you have health issues, but it might be a good idea to validate their concerns.

I know my sister in law has had numerous surgeries for a tumor on her leg (including subsequent plastic surgeries) and her 14 year old has begun to see difficult child's therapist. His grades began to slip and he started making some dumb choices. It was all related to his fear and stress over his mom's illness.

When you hear adults who either lost or had a parent who was very ill when they were young, they all tell you it molded part of who they are today and is something that they can never part with (the rememberance of an ill parent).

Counting your blessings, that you are getting better, that your mom and dad are able to help you out, and that difficult child seems to be making great progress, are all things I know you are thankful for. Perhpas easy child/difficult child needs a little reminder about what he needs to be thankful for!!

SOOOO happy that difficult child is doing better. I know how good that feels.

Soooo sorry easy child/difficult child is being a pain. I also know how that feels. Sigh. (I've done the screaming thing--"Get outgetoutget OUT!!" too.)

All I can offer at this point is to cut back on the discussion and follow through with-natural consequences. The TV would go for a cple of wks, because he wouldn't turn it down. If you have to get a friend help lift it into the garage, do that.
Also, do not "lower" your expectations in regard to expecting one iota of sympathy from him regarding the move--completely ERASE any expectations. Zippo. He will not respond the way you want him to. I would just work around him.

Hi! Great news on difficult child! You may want to get her one of those really mushy "So Glad To Be Your Mom" cards. She's really turned a corner. She really needs to know that you're proud not only of her but her timing as well. You needed her in a pinch and she's come through!

Bravo to the wonderful Mom that you are, and to her for making you shine!

Here's a thought about easy child/difficult child: Do you think his depression might be back? It's a lot of info to process with the move, your illness, the holidays, etc. Even difficult child behaving is something that throws a twist into things.

Either that or he's just being a teenager!

And forget the "if I was a good mom" bit. We've all been happy at one point or another when one of our kids wasn't around to drive us nuts. "To err is human; to tolerate is Mom"

First of all my dear friend~ How are you? What a week!!! +++ I must say I am proud of your girl... I hope it lasts, she has shown some real maturity and growth. Maybe she does want to feel better and whole?

As for easy child'ish one... he is acting horrible to you and difficult child... let him have his wonderful time and Dad's.
He will learn, You will feel bad somewhere inside for him. Part of you will enjoy the break from the chaos. maybe he will grow also?

Think of it as a Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) for easy child's... LOL A break for Mom.

We have talked about things in depth time and again. I laid in bed last night wondering about the depression and I just don't know. I see some signs, but then I see others that indicate otherwise. I know he's having a hard time with the move and the financial stress. We've had to cut way back on extras, but many families do that on a regular basis or at least during tight times. Life happens and we have to make the best of it.

He talks about the house being messy. My house NEVER used to be messy. I was a complete neat freak - which living with a difficult child meant cleaning everyday. It has only been in the last couple of years as my health has deteriorated that it's become an issue. Most of the time it's presentable, but not the standards I used to keep. Some days it does look like the house exploded on itself.

But, you know what? I'm tired of being held to these impossible standards. Interestingly enough, he doesn't remember how things used to be in regards to the house. He only remembers the bad. But with his dad, he forgets the bad. I think that's what's getting to me the most. Even difficult child reminded him of how unhappy he is every single time he goes to his dad's.

One concern I have about him going to his dad's is that if at the end of the school year, easy child has changed his mind I *know* his dad won't let him come back. And as we'll have to change custody in order for easy child to attend school, there won't be much I can do without it costing me a ton of money. And I *know* with as much certainty as one can have that he will change his mind. He's miserable after a 3 week visit.

I have made sure to tell difficult child how proud I am of her and how much I appreciate her seeing a need and stepping in to fill it. I've also let her hear me bragging about her to others. She's my angel girl again.

Hi! I agree that a move to Dad's isn't a good idea. Ultimately, he's going to get the idea that running away from problems and stress will be the way to handle things.

I was thinking that getting him into some non-confrontational counseling. Not necessarily medications, but someone who will understand where he's coming from in a non-judgemental setting.

You know, 16 is a constant battle whether things are great or not. And being parents, we get to the point of "defending" ourselves and pointing out their short-comings. When he gets on about the house being a mess, you being ill, moving, etc. I know I would go on the defensive immediately. Maybe he's trying to spell out his fears/anxiety over a world "spinning out of control" (remember: 16 - drama kings/queens) and he's probably feeling extremely helpless in the various situations. My sisters boys turn into ugly little demons when she relapses. You'd think they'd step up, but in fact their just scared little kids.

My vote: a young male counselor. You might want to talk to your doctor about "groups" that meet for kids of parents with chronic illness.

Just a thought my friend. Anything is better than what you're dealing with now!

I read your post this morning, and my computer was being stupid, then I was running all day, so this is the first changce I have had to respond.

I am SO happy to hear about your girl. My guess is that the longer that she is ON the medications, the longer she will see that she needs to be on them, and it will be an upward spiral. You needed this break.

I am hoping that this is just a glitch as far as your son is concerned. He is overall a real good kid. Even good kids are allowed to have off days. Weeks.

We've established that I am not far. Auntie Bad Kitty will not hesitate to give him a swift kick in the rumpus.

He won't do medications. Period. He wouldn't do them before. He took paxil for a month (back before it was a no-no for kids) and claims that's why he can't remember anything from prior to that time. Something else he can try to blame me for. I explained that it was not the medication, but the depression that was messing with his memory.

I don't know if I could get him to go to counseling. He's said in the recent past that he wouldn't do that either. I'm not real sure how to force a 5'10" kid into the car. Wouldn't that be a sight!

Actually, he's said this afternoon that he'll stay. Actually it was, "I guess I'll stay." Oh, please...stop with the flattery already. He's been using this threat of going to his dad's for a couple of weeks. The difference is that this time I called him on it the way I did and he realizes that it has a big impact.

I forgot to mention that he hit the dog Friday night. Hard. BIG no-no in our house. HUGE. Because she ran off when he left the front door hanging open. He said that you can't reason with dogs so you have to show them. I said that I obviously can't reason with him either as he doesn't listen to anything I say, so by that reasoning every time he messes up I should just beat the out of him, too. I told him that the only thing he accomplished besides pissing me off and making the dog afraid of him, was that the next time she runs off she will be afraid to come home.

You know, the thing that really bothers me the most is that easy child has such a controlling aspect to his personality. Always has. I was talking to my grandmother tonight and she said he has a lot of his dad in him, but coming from my grandmother I take it with a huge grain of salt. My grandmother is a huge difficult child in her own right with 3 difficult child kids. However, she's right and easy child's dad is very controlling, manipulative and abusive.

easy child has been a different person tonight. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He's being the good one right now. Can't remember which one that is. AND he talked to his dad tonight and his dad told him that the entire family (dad, step-mom, sister, step-sister, in-law grandparents, and in-law uncle, aunt and their kids) are going on a cruise next summer. That is SO not easy child's thing. But easy child said he felt like his dad was upset with him for not wanting to go so he's going to go. I did tell him that he won't be able to get by with his basketball shorts and t-shirts for dinner on a cruise ship. So, I have a feeling easy child will still try to get out of it.

Funny how 12 hours ago he wanted to move there and now they don't accept him for who he is. I understand that they want to include him and I'm glad for that. But easy child is such a different person than they are and they need to meet him halfway.