Surprisingly I didn’t have a hard time with the Sandbox prompt this time. There is ONE door in my life I’ve decided it’s ok to close if needs be. And it’s been a huge step for me because I’m usually one of those people who hold onto relationships come hell or high water. But something happened with some long-time friends of ours five or so years ago that gave me some real food for thought that I finally realized the value of not long ago.

Dawn and Don had been our good friends for years. In fact, Don was Drollery’s BEST friend. Then they moved from here in Utah to Oklahoma and finally to Ohio. We kept in touch with them through phone calls and Skype for years. Then out of the blue they dropped off the planet. My emails went unanswered, though they were never returned because their inbox was full. My cards went unresponded to. My phone messages were always accepted on their recorder, so I knew someone was emptying it regularly. Drollery and I were worried out of our minds that something had happened. In fact, I got in touch with the newspaper in the small town where they lived to see if there was an obit for either of them. There wasn’t.

Then out of the blue more than two years later, I got an “Oh hi! Sorry I haven’t answered. I’ve been busy,” email. To say Drollery and I were flabbergasted would be a bit of an understatement. But it gave me food for thought about relationships and what a relationship really is. I didn’t respond to that email. Drollery was kind of upset with me, but I had just spent two years of my life worrying about someone who couldn’t be considerate enough to send me an email saying they were well in response to my panicked voice messages saying we were worried sick. That was a first for me, that deliberately walking out of a friend’s life.

Fast forward to two years ago this month, I went to work for a friend at the tax office she managed. She’d been trying to get me there for years. It’s about a mile from our house. Seemed perfect. Drollery warned me not to do it. He and I had gone to college with her and we both knew how difficult she could be. She’d get angry at the drop of a hat over nothing and I wouldn’t hear from her for weeks. And it was always me that ended up calling and smoothing things over — for over 40 years. We had been there to support her through a divorce, the death of a husband, and several other major life issues.

And just as Drollery predicted, the aggressive side of her came out at work. It began with her upbraiding me in front of a client for something she felt I had done wrong. I kept my peace, but when the client was gone I asked her never to speak to me like that in front of someone again saying that’s not something I’d ever do to her. The situation continued to deteriorate, and by the end of tax season I’d had enough — period. Enough of her rants, enough of her anger, enough of always being the one feeling the need to fix things while she could never accept responsibility for her own actions.

I realized at that point that my relationship with her was toxic. She had a way of making me feel bad about myself that should never have been, and I was done with it. I did call and leave her a message three times asking if we could talk about what had happened. My last message said the longer the silence went on, the harder it would be to talk about. She never returned my calls. And this time I decided enough was enough. I walked out of her life.

It’s been two years now. She is a part of the group of women I’m close to and we get together a few times a year, so I’ve been in her company and I am polite to her. But there is nothing in me that wishes to mend fences. The truth is her attitude has been affecting me for years and I really don’t miss those conversations with her. I do feel bad about that, as if I SHOULD miss them. But I can honestly say I’m happier without having to deal with them.

So the door I am “beginning” to close is one to toxic relationships. Have I had a lot of them? No. A couple. Is that door going to stay closed for good? Well, that all depends if the person comes knocking and wants to change things in the relationship. Then we’ll see.

I’ve been having an email conversation with Spiritual Dragonfly this morning about not letting bad relationships define you. Talk about great timing! This is going to be a real year of learning for me in my journey.

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30 thoughts on “The door is swinging shut…”

This really hit home for me, Calen. I’d been trying to get into contact with an old friend for about 5 years. I would email her on her birthday in May and Christmas each and every year and rarely received any contact. If I did receive contact and returned the contact, I would hear nothing again for over a year or longer. It breaks my heart, but this year, I’ve decided to let her go. Like you, some doors just need to close. Last June, I closed the door on a toxic friend. She reached out to me in October, but I knew it was getting close to her birthday and knew she would try to weasel her way back in. I was having none of that. A month earlier though, I had begun a new meditation practice called Ho’oponopono – it is a Hawaiian healing practice. Basically, you just repeat these words to your Higher Power: “I love you. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.” OMG! what a lesson in humility! Each time I would do this meditation, I would have flashbacks of those who’d harmed me and those I’d harmed. Well, to cut this story short, I invited her back into my life, with some clear-cut boundaries in place. I was also able to forgive my estranged husband and renew a relationship of sorts with him. Anyway, just wanted to relate this to you since your words here brought all of that back 🙂

I LOVE that meditation. I’m going to have to give them a try. How centering is that! I’m glad things improved with you and your friend. It’s a hard thing to close a door. And other people in your life get upset when you do. But I think it’s a lesson that needs to be learned for our own health. And I can’t help feeling that what I posted in “The search for significance…” has a lot to do with that who issue, too. This is a learning year for me.

I think you will be surprised once you begin that meditation… just be prepared for a lot of tears. The past few years have been huge learning years for me too… So far I have learned acceptance in the form of surrender, gratitude and now abundance… wow. Enjoy the learning, Calen… it’s a wild ride out there 🙂

I do it when I go to bed at night… I just lay there, breathe in, say in my head “I love you” then breathe out… repeat with the other 3 parts breathing in and out… it puts me into a wonderful sleep state… once all of the tears leave 🙂

Aside from the door which I copped to in my own post, I, of course, had closed a door on myself – Little Girl Lost. Now THAT is a door I seek to open back up. But that is a relationship between me and myself, as opposed to one between me and an other. We should never stay where it is toxic for us to stay. The question is knowing when something IS toxic. It’s not always clear. But YAY on freeing yourself of those who do not respect you, and are inconsiderate, the way you described. I’m proud of you, my friend! {{{Calen}}}

I have let several friends go. I do close those doors. I don’t slam them, but it is interesting. Looking back, I don’t think I have ever had the sit down and cleanly end the friendship talk. I just let it slip away. When you were talking about Jesus before, and the turn the other cheek thing, I was also reminded of the pearls before swine parable and also the one about new wine in old wine skins. Just a thought. I’m a little conflicted about them. Feels a little conceited – they don’t deserve my energy…but fact is, if they don’t benefit from it, why bother?

I think like the turning the other cheek thing we have seen Jesus’ life and actions interpreted in perhaps a different light than what it looked like in his culture, I’m learning that. And I like your examples. I know someone who has great understanding about scripture. Perhaps if they have time they might stop by and comment on your comment. I’m glad you posted it.

Just a couple thoughts. No attempt to preach or instruct anyone here, just my thoughts. I remember the what would jesus do thing when it started. Was in a Baptist youth group. And the teaching came across as be a nice and good person like jesus was. For a teenaged boy that meant in our culture that I should not cuss or sneak a beer or three or look at boobs. Also I should be in church and pray and read my sunday school lessons. Then god would be happy with me and one day jesus would come get me cause my name was in his book on the nice page. Or something like that.

But if I really think about it that is too narrow a scope for the possibilities of what Jesus might do. Now if someone referrences the WWJD thing my response (with a smile on my face) is “Well he might braid a whip and beat your ass with it.” Or he might be kind to a hooker or a theif or a child. Or he may call out public figures in front of their constituents and announce that they are rotten. There is a broad continuum of behaviors that jesu mihht do. Typically it seems his responses depended on the situation and how people came at him. He was not a “nice” hot looking facebook jesus that scores the number of times one shares a post. Nice can be the covering for great evil. He was not nice but he was kind. He spoke truth into situations that caused trouble. He also spoke grace and healing into them when it was required. There are times when we are invaded by people who set up shop in the temple of us. We can end up being used and feeling owned. If someone is doing that under whatever guise or excuse they need to be evicted. For they have turned God’s temple from its purpose. If they are the type who would use another then there is no amount of talking that would help. With these types I say do exactly what jesus did. Make a whip and beat their ass till they leave you alone. …………. And don’t worry too much about them. Users always land on their feet and will soon have set up shop again some where else. Once the temple is clean the spiritual task becomes understanding and undoing ones unhealthy dependance on others rather than the One who created and knows and sustains us. Blessings. Plato

my mom and I just had this conversation! I’m going through a similar situation. it’s always hard to lose a friend but it is definitely a two way street. I’m lucky to learn this early on in life. you sound like the type of person I would want to have in my life! happy you are closing the door. you will feel much better, promise!

Yes, it’s good to learn that early in life. In fact, it’s really about self-respect, I think. People treat us exactly how we let them treat us. I didn’t learn that lesson growing up. Makes me wonder sometimes how different my life would have been if I had. But it is part of taking care of ourselves. And I know some Christians (I almost hate that term these days) would disagree with that and say Jesus says we’re supposed to forget about ourselves. But he didn’t. He said we’re to love our neighbors AS ourselves. If we can’t love ourselves in a healthy way, we can’t love others as we need to. When we’re giving ourselves what we need to stay healthy, we CAN forget about us and give wholeheartedly to others. Just my interpretation of things, however. Certainly not a theologian by any means. Thank you so much, Kitty, for your comments. I think this is an important and interesting subject.

I think part of growing up is discovering that just because someone thinks you are a good friend to have doesn’t mean that they are. It took me so long to realize a friendship must be a two-way street or it isn’t going to work. This doesn’t mean it is always (or ever) completely balanced, but it does mean that both friends are putting work into maintaining it and compromising and making decisions based on what is best for both. Without this, it is not a friendship but an exploitation.

I think you pretty well nailed it, Judy. I was very tired of feeling like I was carrying the whole relationship. Her jumping my butt in public like that let me know in no uncertain terms that she had no respect for our friendship. And suddenly I didn’t feel responsible to carry that load anymore.

Oh heck, Bridget. I get where you’re coming from. See I have my problems with religion, too. I’m a bit of a rebel. And truth is, I see Jesus that way, as well. You know when he told the disciples if someone gave them a right cross to the jaw to turn the other check? Every church I’ve ever been in has preached that doing so is a sign of humility and non-violence.

I’m afraid I don’t see it that way. I think Jesus knew exactly what he was doing. He lived in a violent culture and for someone to deliberately offer up their other cheek when a person belted them was to take the power away from that aggressor. If I willing let you bop me, you have no power over me anymore. It was a very radical thing for him to say given his country was over-run by an invading military force.

What do I think Jesus would do in this situation with my friend from the tax office? I believe he would have me do what I did. I didn’t cower under her anger. I “offered my other cheek” by calling her three times. I think I took her power away from her and she was ashamed. But she was also not willing to own up to her responsibility in the problem. So I walked away. Should she ever wish to talk about it, she knows where I am. She also knows I would accept a call from her. But in the meantime I don’t need that kind of person in my life. I know that now. Her behavior had defined my feelings about myself for years. But not this time. I’d done nothing wrong. This time I let the way I handled it speak for itself.

I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone. But it did to me. Just out of curiosity, what would you have done in that situation? I bet you’ve been there before. Your life has been rich with all kinds of interesting people. Have none of them ever made you feel bad about yourself when you were around them?

And just so you know, dudette, I happen to like your “spiciness!” I’m learning a thing or two from you. 😀

I grew up reading, learning and translating Plato, Socrates, Aristoteles and so many more. Their teachings and wisdom is similar if not identical to almost everything that was later written down as Jesus’s words.

I do believe Jesus was existing, but don’t believe in Jesus being Gods son. IF I would have to talk about believes -what I don’t lol- then I would call my self a “Buddhist in the making.” I like the teachings and the wisdom and most importantly, it’s not a religion.

What would I have done? I don’t close doors, I slam them :-). Just kidding. I always leave the door open, people don’t make me feel bad, I feel sorry for them. The only time I was unforgiving for a long time were my parents.

You know, I think their words were all so similar because they all contain the truth. Truth is universal, imho. That’s one reason I love what Plato (the younger at Plato’s Groove) writes. I’m really drawn to Buddhism as well. There’s something about the way they practice respect that just feels right to me, the way the world is supposed to work. No matter race, color, creed, gender… And that’s exactly why I walked away from these relationships. There was no respect for me. I guess I don’t feel duty bound to honor that kind of treatment ’cause like I said, I don’t figure Jesus wants us to be a doormat. He wants us to be — respectful! But that’s not the same thing. And I wasn’t a drama queen about them. I just let them go quietly.

I have also removed or let people go from my life. I’m like you in that my instinct was always to hold onto people and relationships, but as I have aged, I have become more selective over who receives my time and attention. As I told my bff this past summer while we were sitting watching the fire slowly die, we all only have so many moments left and chances for interacting with twin souls or like minded people. Why waste them on those who aren’t relevant or cannot relate to where we are now on our journeys?
I think you need to spend your time and energy on those who appreciate your efforts at friendship. You are such a gem. 👍

Well thanks, Shannon for the lovely compliment. But I kind of see ALL of us on here that way. I think we’re all on that journey and have drifted together for a reason. And I think that’s to support each other on the path. It’s so much easier to talk to someone, as you so rightly observed, who is where you are. I’m just so glad I found all you guys and you found your way here! {{{Shannon}}} (I need to read back through all my comments and take out ever bloomin’ SO! rolls eyes… I’m such a drama queen! 😀 )

I actually had a similar experience with a friend,,,not answering emails etc….when I didn’t get a response to the last email I sent to her regarding the birth of Mason, I realized that was her way of telling me she didn’t want any more contact…..I put a fork in it….Done.

Grab yourself a shovel and see what you “dig” up!

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