Big Gulp

Batrillionaire Michael Bloomberg Might Like To Buy New House That Is White

You’ve probably been wondering if former mayor of New York Michael Bloomberg has found himself a new gig yet. Which is really stupid of you, because he has so many dozens of billions of dollars, he could buy and sell Donald Trump a thousand times over, so he doesn’t need a job, like, ever. But apparently, despite dropping by the offices of his various media-and-financial industrial complexes to bug the receptionist, he’s BORED NOW, no doubt missing the thrill of ordering New York’s finest to arrest millennial campers and soda guzzlers.

Speaking to the Financial Times, the founder of the eponymous financial information group criticised the quality of the debate in the presidential race. He said that he was “looking at all the options” when asked whether he was considering putting his name forward.

“I find the level of discourse and discussion distressingly banal and an outrage and an insult to the voters,” Mr Bloomberg said in an interview, before adding that the US public deserved “a lot better”.

Bloomberg is fond of letting Some Say he might run for president; he’s done it before — like, two dozen times before — and you’ll note that you’ve never seen his name on a presidential ballot. But this time, he might be for reals because the one thing that’s missing from the 2016 presidential race is some white dude. No wait, that’s not it. A New Yorker? Not that either. A billionaire? No. A self-aggrandizing butthead? Oh, we give up.

Still, Bloomberg seems to think there might be a a silent majority out there desperately yearning for him to spend a billion or so of his own bucks to mix things up a bit. Not in Iowa, mind you, where he’s as popular as solar energy:

Highlighting the steep climb that Mr Bloomberg would probably face, a poll conducted by his own news organisation and the Des Moines Register ahead of the Iowa caucuses found that only nine per cent of Republicans had a favourable view of him, while 17 per cent of likely Democratic voters in the state had a favourable opinion.

But somewhere out there in America, perhaps voters are sick of the same old Donald Trumps and Bernie Sanderseses always being president, and they’re looking for something new and different, only not that new or different, just a lot richer:

Mr Bloomberg told the FT that he would need to start putting his name on ballots across the US at the beginning of March. “I’m listening to what candidates are saying and what the primary voters appear to be doing,” he said.

Hear that, New Hampshire? Tuesday’s your big fat FIRST! in the nation chance to reject the leading status quo candidates and call upon Bloomberg to jump into this election double-quick, so he and his independent bazillions can Make America Even Greater Again. If he’s lucky enough. As the mayor once observed about the 22,000 homeless children living in his city when he was still the boss of it and yet unable to do anything to help them:

That’s just the way God works. Sometimes some of us are lucky and some of us are not.

“I find the level of discourse and discussion distressingly banal and an outrage and an insult to the voters,” Mr Bloomberg said in an interview, before adding that the US public deserved “a lot better”.
He obviously hasn’t ever followed US Presidential races in the past if he’s just noticing that now.

eddi

This year the candidates are not just an insult, they are downright abusive.

schmannity

A Republican in favor of gun control and choice. Finally, a savior for both Rockefeller Republicans.

Antimassacree

Thought they had been hunted into total extinction.

coozledad

So now we know who “other” was in Iowa.

Latverian Diplomat

I pretty sure “other” covers stuff like Jeebus, John Wilkes Booth, and the guy Harrison Ford played in Air Force One.

Tallmutha

A Bloomberg campaign would be sure to unleash all the bottled-up energy of the long-frustrated Lieberman-for-President faction.

If Bloomberg liquidated all his assets, he could give every one of those homeless kids approximately 1.68 million dollars.

BearGHAZI

oh, they’d spend it all on expensive sneakers and loose pants, to ‘slack’ with

eddi

The Great White Hope of the GOP? I thought that was Jeb. But you know Bloomberg could make a great dark horse candidate.

coozledad

They say the base is tired of the Bushies, but Republicans are a combination of natural slaves and autocrats with a particularly American flavor of sadism. It’s a top down party, too. There is no such thing as an insurgency in the Republican party. When Jeb gets his turn, there will be considerable pressure to make the base lick that turd again.

sw19womble

I don’t understand. Is he planning to run as an independent, a Republican, or a Democrat, or AOTK?

eddi

Independent Republican. Unless the Democrats need to throw both Hills and Bernie under the bus.

arglebargle

Indepublicrat.

Msgr_Moment

Plutocrat!

sw19womble

The Aristocrats!

Latverian Diplomat

An independent. It’s too late to get into either major party race. Also, he’s planning to run as an outsider bashing the system and proposing “common sense” ideas like dismantling Social Security (probably).

But seriously, we have more than enough billionaires running for President as it is. Can’t we get a starving child to declare his or her candidacy?

Joe Beese

There’s an argument to be made in favor of having billionaires rule us directly rather than by proxy.

SnarkOff

I love when Trump’s slavering devotees say “I like him because he’s a billionaire and doesn’t have to answer to any special interests.” All that means is that, if elected, he’ll be able push the one-percent agenda without the middlemen, you dumb idiots.

TheBidenator

We would but then Chris Christie ate a baby….

Joe Beese

He combines the Jewishness of Sanders with the billions of Trump with the unlikability of Hillary! He’s the perfect candidate!

I would accept half a billion and have him not run, which would save him half a billion, because I am helpful like that.

proudgrampa

“That’s just the way God works. Sometimes some of us are lucky and some of us are not.”

Hasa diga eebowai.

Gayer Than Thou

He seems nice.

FauxAntocles

Hey, now, this is a family blog!

Vincent Ricola

It’s like when the reality shows bring in a “twist” contestant in the middle of the season. Except Bloomberg is much less interesting, attractive or qualified than I’m used to seeing in this situation.

VandeGraf

Another guy who thinks because he amassed wealth we owe him a coronation.

Randy Riddle

Well … he’s at least polling better than Congress, PharmaBro, and the Zika virus.

Latverian Diplomat

Sure, but he has a way to go to match pubic lice.

Ruhe

On behalf of the American electorate I appreciate the Mayor looking out for our collective intellectual dignity by decrying the pitiful level of discourse in the current campaign…but what I’d really like is for him to take just one billion of his billions and split it evenly among all us ‘Mericans , making us each instant millionaires!

Msgr_Moment

I was told there would be no math.

Antimassacree

Apparently there wasn’t any.

Latverian Diplomat

“Substantially” millionaires, as Trump would say.

Msgr_Moment

Vote Bloomberg: the billionaire who isn’t batshit crazy!

Latverian Diplomat

As far as we know.

chicken thief

“That’s just the way God works. Sometimes some of us are lucky and some of us are not.”

That’s a lot of werds for ‘stuff happens’. Could Jeb! be the Hemingway of the 2016 campaign?

Latverian Diplomat

I don’t think a person should be allowed to be a “Batrillionaire” without also being Batman.

Gotta stick up for Bloomberg here. Yeah, he’s a billionaire, but he’s really a Democrat disguised as a Republican. He is staunchly behind gun control and views Big Soda as a public health issue. As GOP candidates go, he’s by far the most palatable.

SadDemInTex

Which means he’d siphon votes from the Democratic candidate.

SnarkOff

I doubt it, honestly. And even if he did, and won, at the end of the day we’d have a Democrat in the White House.

SadDemInTex

He’s not going to win…he’s going to be Nader redux.

JMP

Yeah, no; just because he’s reasonable on a couple issues doesn’t make him any less the plutocrat who wants to make sure the little people have no say in American governance. Nor does it make him any less a conservative authoritarian and hard-core racist who was a huge promoter of racial profiling and stop-and-frisk. That is a horrible insult to the Democratic party. No, he is not at all a Democrat, would be a horrible President, and quite frankly fuck the asshole.

The fact that he’s literally invested in the same economic shenanigans that have decimated the US economy negates all the other positives, even if he also had a free puppy and kitten policy.

Gayer Than Thou

By coincidence, between 9 and 17 percent of my friends have a favorable impression of me! Perhaps I should form an exploratory committee.

FauxAntocles

I’ll vote for you.

chicken thief

Those numbers seem low. Have you poled them all?

Msmlg1979

It’s your “gayer than thou” attitude!

BearGHAZI

We need someone who’s ready to be gay on Day One.

Gratuitous World

nothing witty here. go blow you Robert durst looking MF-er

Angela Ruzzo

I find myself thinking of H.L Menken’s words “No one in this world, so far as I know, has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.” It doesn’t seem to stop people GAINING public office either.

Lizzietish81

And of course, let’s not forget this gem: ‘I have my own army in the NYPD, which is the seventh largest army in the world,’ he said.

Gator isn’t on the menu. But a live one was inside a South Florida fast-food restaurant after a man tossed a three-foot reptile through a Wendy’s drive-through window.

Joshua James, 23, of Jupiter, is now facing charges over the gator-tossing incident, which happened last fall near Loxahatchee, according to wptv.com.

State wildlife authorities say James pulled up to the window to place an order and then tossed the alligator, which he had in the back of his truck, inside the restaurant.

Joe Beese

Come now. Which of us, in our rambunctious 20s, hasn’t thrown an alligator through a drive-through window?

Spotts1701

A drive through window? Nah
A baseball dugout? Well…

Jonny On Maui

One was thrown into the ops shack at Ft. Steward Range Control.

And yes, we jumped up on our desks and screamed like little girls…

sw19womble

Oh great, first they outlaw dwarf-tossing, now they’ll be after alligator-tossing too!
Will nobody think of all the different tossers out there?

Whale Chowder

“think of the…tossers…”

…aaaand we circle back to Bloomberg.

BadKitty904

Well, it’s damn-sure there’s not a lot else to do in Loxahatchee…

RoyalUglyDude

The Dolphins, Jaguars, and Buccaneers have all offered him a signing bonus.

frrolfe

Leave Florida alone. The report says he’s from Jupiter.

chicken thief

Oh boy! Another hat in the ring – grab the popcorn and Big Gulps!!11!!!

BadKitty904

More like a “tiara”, but still…

dshwa

Reasonably sized gulps.

TheBidenator

So if Bloomberg runs chances are he takes support away from Democrats with his gun control views but not Republicans because he’s talking about restricting their access to that which they love almost as much as Jesus and giving rich people money….uh yeah, stay home Bloomberg.

That’s not enough to grab today’s GOP voter. He’s to the left of Rudy 9-11, and Rudy 9-11 was too liberal for them.
~

Lizzietish81

Also the whole Soda thing. They won’t forget that.

jmk

Not when Governor Quitterface roams the country with a 96 oz Big Gulp grafted to her hand in what passes for a subtle comment among the derperatti.

Jenny

He has a good a chance as any. Not exactly a household name outside wonks, rich folks who use Bloomberg for whatever, and New Yorkers. He has the white thing, and billionaire so he must be a good american thing. Plenty of real blooded murican who have a bit more sense to not vote for Trump, but goddammit they ain’t voting for a conniving woman, or a socialist.

OT: But speaking of which I posted two article into Wonkville this morning, one about the way the NYPD is throwing an Asian officer under the bus (which is how this connected) and another about a petition to recall Gov Snyder getting approval and neither are up yet.

They’re both posted, someone got them. BTW, don’t expect Shy to approve the pending stuff, he rarely ventures over there (like most sane people). Just hit up one of the mods…

BadKitty904

The “US public DOES deserve ‘a lot better’”, Mike. You as President would certainly not help.

TheBidenator

I have an idea, Bloomberg- how about instead of wasting your time and money trying to woo ‘reasonable’ (as if they still exist) Republicans away from Trump and Cruz why not just spend shitloads of it drowning out the NRA or launching state initiatives to discuss and advocate gun control. Beat them at their own game….

As my wife’s grandmother said suspiciously about me, “Is that a Hebraic name?”

(Yeah, ya old bag, it is.)

Cismontane

If he siphons off votes from Clinton and Trump wins as a result, I’m cancelling both my firm’s bloomberg terminals and our Bloomberg Businesweek subscription. I’m even going to delete that free Bloomberg app… Then I’m moving to Canada. hah!

AnOuthouse

What this race needz is another Joo.

Spurning Beer

Well, Jesus was Jewish, and has a number of proxies among the declared candidates, according to them.

jmhm

Amazing how they manage to get His endorsement without supporting any of His positions.

Playonwords

Yes the massive conspiracy of Illuminati, Lizardmen, Roswell aliens, Satanists, Climate Change advocates, Imperial Russian secret police, Atheists, Gays and Fleague wallowers is all designed to put members of a tiny a not particularly racially homogeneous religious grouping into positions of power.

Yes, we are all waiting for a candidate that combines the shitty economics of Republicans, the warmongering of conservative Democrats, the squishiness of the center, the money of a plutocrat, and the heart of a Grinch

Why not vote for the worst of all worlds? Bloomberg ’16. .

Hardly Ideal

You may as well cut to the chase and go Cthulhu.

Ia! Ia! No More Years! No Lives Matter!

Biel_ze_Bubba

“I find the level of discourse and discussion distressingly banal and an outrage and an insult to the voters,”

Bloomie doesn’t know much about the GOP base, does he?

chicken thief

Like they prolly think ‘banal’ means anal with a banana.

Anarchy Pony

Billionaire willing to spend millions to stroke ego.

jmhm

The venn diagram for Bloomberg’s positions is a spirograph with no voters in the middle of it, and he doesn’t have enough money to pay the ridiculous amount he paid per vote to be Mayor. Also, they don’t let you be president from Bermuda. But hey, America, he’s your nanny-state gnome now.

artem1s

I loved spirograph! Is it still a thing?

jmhm

Yep, the kid had one.

weejee

Isn’t Bloomberg a kind of blue cheese, with a lotta nose?

HazooToo

If “a lotta nose” means it’s pretty rich, but stinks like hell, that sounds about right.

artem1s

also, moldy

HazooToo

“Take this away and find me some blue cheese without mold!”

IDon’tCareWhatYouThink

When things go well I AM A GENIUS, when they don’t isn’t God a little bitch?

JohnBull

This is exactly what young people and black Americans want: someone who treats both groups like shit.

Let’s see, he’s a moderate “New York values” Jew who hates guns. How will that play in this race?
Does he syphon more votes from the left or right? I think I know.

Beaumarchais?

But not enough to win outright, thus ending America as we knew it.

Me not sure

See ya in the next life.

Olav_Pompatus

I, too, found the “discussion distressingly banal”. But without the “b”.

Drew Hart

Sorry, true wonketteer here, give monies and all. liberal. gay. new yorker. and myself and everyone i talked too would vote for him in a hot second. dont agree with everything he says obviously, but he would be a great pres.

Sure, this race could use another racist, authoritarian billionaire. This is the danger of having rich people–they start to think we need them.

fredfnord

He doesn’t really think he can win, which is fine to him because he doesn’t really want to be president. He has already said he will really only get into the race if it looks like Bernie might win the Democratic nomination. So this is just a blatant bid to control who gets the Democratic nomination, and, if that fails and Sanders does get the nod, to prevent him from becoming president.

MissNomer

Sounds like a plan.

fredfnord

Heehee. God, this is so awesome. For fifty years the centrists have told the actual lefties to shut up and suck it up when we were forced to pick the lesser of two evils. Let’s say we’re at 8 on the political spectrum, and the Republican is at 2, and the Democrat is at 4, and we’re supposed to just grit our teeth and pretend to like it. And the country moves further rightward, with every Republican AND with every Democrat elected.

And now we have the prospect of a real leftist being elected president, and the centrists are just plain FREAKING OUT. The idea that we have a Republican who is a 1, and the average Democrat is a 6, and Sanders is an 8, and you people honestly can’t choose between the two. Because you’ve been trained to think of those to the right of you as a threat, to be handled carefully and taken very seriously, and those to the left of you as just these lunatics who should be counted on for votes but never paid the slightest bit of respect. They’re ATMs and they’re 100% reliable voters but ha ha ha come on I’M as far left as any REASONABLE person could be and so QED they aren’t REASONABLE.

Watching you people try to decide between holding your noses and voting for Sanders or letting Trump win and actually letting the entire planet literally bake the human race to extinction would, I think, be worth the price of admission for me. I honestly don’t know which you would choose, and I really am fascinated to find out. But then, I won’t live long enough to be baked to death, so there is that.

Tio_Doidinho

Fun fact – city of NY just announced that they won’t be going after “broken windows” crimes any more – public intox, peeing on the street, jumping subway turnstiles.