It's been a while, I know. I've missed you and hopefully you've missed us - Hudson and me!

I took an important break from blogging over the past few weeks. I spent time with my family and friends and I enjoyed a technology-free Christmas. I unplugged. It was nice. But, I'm ready to jump back in.

From time-to-time I felt a little anxious. I created plenty of "shoulds". I should be blogging. I should be reading other people's blogs. I should be capturing Hudson's first Christmas on my blog so that one day he can read about how lovely it was. Thankfully, I didn't listen to those "shoulds" and instead I gave Hudson all that he needed for Christmas - a mommy who was present. And boy was I ever present while he tore through the wrapping of his presents!

A one-year-old doesn't really care about Santa (other than to tug on his nose and beard). A one-year-old doesn't really care about gifts under the tree, other than to push the box the gifts came in around the house. A one-year-old has no idea that Christmas is anything other than another day surrounded by people smothering him with love.

Spending the holidays with a one-year-old definitely reminded me what Christmas is really about for me. Spending time with the people I care about the most. I hope you all enjoyed some special time with your most special people.

Monday was a crappy day. It was a day that a daughter (or son) never expects to happen, but sometimes it just does. It was the day that my Dad decided he no longer wants to be a part of mine and my son's lives. Am I the only one? The only one whose father doesn't want a relationship with his own daughter? After days of sitting with so many mixed emotions I finally decided I would blog about it.

Yesterday afternoon I was thinking about what I wanted to say and how much of my personal life I wanted to reveal. Would I actually tell the world that my own Dad doesn't want me in his life, or would I just speak about it in vague terms ? Or maybe I can talk about it without revealing that it was my dad who walked away versus some hypothetical family? What was I making it mean about 'me' that my Dad made this choice?

While I was pondering my approach I hopped on to a colleague's blog, and I saw a picture of a father holding his daughter's hand. At first glance I thought it was going to be a post about Amy's husband and their little girl, but once I started reading I realized it was not. As I read the first few sentences, I just about fell out of my chair. She posted it earlier that same morning. "When Your Parent Can't Give You the Love You Deserve." Clearly (and sadly) I am not the only one.

I couldn't possibly discuss the subject any better than Amy already has, and therefore please visit Amy's post by clicking here. Her post has given me so many gifts - most of all, perspective and compassion. Bravo to Amy for being so open and telling the truth.

Today has been one of those days. You know, the days when you don't feel like doing anything and when you do actually sit down to do something you're completely unproductive?! Why is it that on days like today I don't just chalk it up as an off-day and move on? Why do I keep trying to force something that isn't happening?

I remember when I was in law school I had a rule. If I wasn't productive, I wouldn't study. Period. There's no sense in pretending to study just to have face-time in the library. If I'm not productive, I might as well be out enjoying my time. What little time I had. And I did enjoy my time; guilt-free, I might add.

I seem to resist that rule now. I sat in front of my computer for hours today accomplishing absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, Lucia played with Hudson. I could hear them giggling and I was so envious, but I had to "get work done" I kept telling myself. I couldn't take the rest of the day off to do something fun because the nanny was here, getting paid, to watch Hudson so I could work.

Alas, now it's 7:30 (feels like 10:30!) and I'm left with three loads of clean laundry to fold and put away, a sink full of dishes to wash and put away and a bag full of dirty diapers to run through the wash and dry cycle, fold and put away. And I'm exhausted. I could have done all of this today while Lucia was here, but I was supposed to be "working". As if taking care of my home isn't work.

I guess what is really weighing me down is feeling like I have to do the laundry or the dishes or the diapers. There's something about the obligation that is making it feel more icky than it really is.

I have to clean up the house, dishes and diapers before I can crawl into bed.

Is it true? "Yes."

Can I absolutely know that it's true? "Yes."

Why might it not be true? I have gone to bed before without cleaning up and the house didn't fall apart, and low and behold, my laundry was still there waiting patiently for me the next morning (how nice of it!).

How do I act when I think the thought that I haveto clean up before going to bed? Pissed off! More exhausted. Completely exhausted. Exhausted beyond belief, which then leads to feeling depressed.

Who would I be without the thought? I would be kinder to myself and accept that I don't always have to have a picked up home. I would feel more relaxed climbing into bed to read a book knowing that there was laundry to be done and dishes to be washed.

Turn it around:

I don't have to clean up before I go to bed.

My thoughts about cleaning up my house need to be cleaned up.

It's always, without exception, my thoughts about my circumstance that are causing me to feel crappy. The stack of dishes aren't making me feel crappy. The pile of clothes isn't making me feel crappy. Only my thoughts have that ability. Dirty dishes and clothes are just circumstances.

When I separate my circumstances from my thoughts I can investigate whether my thoughts about my circumstances are even true. And lucky for me, I can change my thoughts. To better thinking thoughts, even if only slightly better. It still works!

Now I can go to bed without cleaning up. But, do you want to know the best part? Now that I don't have toclean up, doing so doesn't feel so bad. Maybe I'll compromise - I'll do the dishes and leave the rest for morning. At least I know my laundry will still be patiently waiting for me. I can always count on that!