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You know you’re doing the “seduction by lollipop” cliche right when you look like your doing the candy a favor.Source: Know Your Meme

Ah, screw it. I’m counting this as a Halloween post. I mean, what’s more Halloween than a witch?

So, true to my nature as being infinitely late to the party, I’m just now starting to get into Bayonetta. I picked it up at a reasonable sale price on Steam and I’ll admit openly that I may have had the game wrong all these years. I wrote it off as just ‘Devil May Cry with boobs’ and thought it was just senseless titillation for titillation’s sake. But the more I played it, the more I came to realize that, while it does delve into gratuitousness quite often, it does so in such an over-the-top way as to stop being sexy and start being entertaining on its own merits.

Plus, I’ve come to have genuine affection of the titular Bayonetta herself. I actually feel kind of bad for writing her off as pure fanservice. Because when you actually look at her closely, you come to realize that…

Her exaggerated figure actually makes sense

One of the first things I noticed back when I decided to give Bayonetta a miss was how silly her proportions were. I mean, the first thing most people notice when they see her is that she has legs like stilts propping up a torso that’s just a cup size or two shy from being a Rob Liefeld drawing.

But once you see her interacting with “normal” human beings (normal being subjective in such a strange setting), you realize that she’s not some average, everyday superheroine; she’s a 7 foot tall, supernatural amazon witch bred of two warring factions of magic users and molded to be a perfect fighting engine. Of course her body would be an exaggeration of our own – extreme conditions result in extreme personalities and extreme appearances. Those legs NEED to be that powerful-looking so she doesn’t collapse on herself like a top-heavy Barbie doll.

Plus, she’s not just a pair of legs. Look at her delicate facial features and long, swan-like neck. Everything about her is meant to convey grace and class. And when you consider the main mechanic of the game is to make a long string of unbroken attacks in rapid, flowing succession, those are good qualities to have.

Still, there’s no denying that Bayonetta is still heavily sexualized. But, in her case, that’s actually a good thing because…

She knows she’s sexy… and she LOVES it

A large part of my recent journey through gender transition has been building up a positive body image by appreciating the sensuality of my body. Of course, when you work at a rest stop and have a horde of lonely truckers and construction workers – male, female, and otherwise – reminding you of that sensuality on a weekly basis, you tend to enjoy the attention (even though they should REALLY not be doing that to someone who’s on the clock; that’s just rude).

My point is that I’ve learned that flirting can be fun and can make you feel good when done right. And Bayonetta embodies this idea. A lot of people have criticized her for ‘moving like a stripper’ in game, but she always makes it clear that she does so by her own choice (“As long as there’s music, I’ll keep on dancing”). Besides, what’s wrong with erotic dancing anyway? It’s a perfectly noble art that requires years of training and conditioning to do well. I respect anyone with the physical fortitude and self-confidence to perform stark-naked like that for an audience.

And before any of you bring up her “wicked weave”, yes, the fact that her hair is both her costume and her most powerful weapon does lend itself to fanservice. But screw that; if I had a magical updo, you better believe I’d use it for some new wardrobes (“I can’t help it if I like the little outfits”).

She’s one of the few women that work the “sexuality as a weapon” angle well

Here’s the thing you need to understand about depictions of women in games; for the longest time, there were only two flavors of women.

The first is the cutesy one – small, meek, and gentle. She’s the sort of girl that’s designed to encourage you to want to protect her; i.e., “She just needs a big, strong person around.”

The other is the ice queen – hard, tough, and mostly disinterested in others; ESPECIALLY romantic advances. Whether intentional or not, it reassures the audience that it’s okay to think she’s hot because she doesn’t care anyway.

Both of these are (god, I hate this word…) problematic as one puts the woman on a pedestal and the other outright objectifies her. So how does Bayonetta approach this dilemma?

Bayonetta is not helpless; she can take down entire armies of the most powerful beings in Heaven, Earth, and Hell with ease. But, she’s not cold either; she displays a wide variety of emotions throughout the game and cares a great deal about her own personal enjoyment in particular. This results in a personality that is eager to find pleasure but is skeptical that YOU are the one that can provide it.

Do you get it yet? She’s not a cute princess, nor is she an ice queen; she’s SEXUALLY INTIMIDATING and you, aroused audience member lost in the fantasy, need to cope with that.

Well, I WANTED to do another Halloween themed article this week. Unfortunately, a bunch of really ugly and infuriating B.S. has come up that I feel the need to comment on immediately; if only briefly.

For those who don’t follow the business of comic books, Chelsea Cain, writer of Marvel’s amazing Mockingbird series, has retreated from social media and deleted her Twitter account due to harassment over her call for more female-driven narratives in comics.

I’m unsure where to start here. There’s just so much I’m upset about.

I suppose I should start with the obvious and call out the bullies first. I can’t believe I’ve been on the internet since the very beginning and still have to deal with people harassing and threatening each other – especially over trivial things that don’t warrant verbal violence. The one thing I’ve taken away from my use of creator driven platforms like YouTube, DeviantArt and Newgrounds is that if you don’t like the opinions that a creator inserts in their work, it’s as simple as NOT SUPPORTING THEM. You unsubscribe from their channels, stop buying their art, and stop following their work.

But, no – we live in the days where ‘hate-following’ is a thing because people have a raging fury-boner they don’t know what to do with. I’m not even going to debate about Feminist politics and who’s right or wrong here because it’s irrelevant. The point is that everyone conducted themselves like ill-behaved children when their disapproving silence would have had a much better effect. Seriously, if you just ignored Chelsea and stopped supporting her comics, the message would have been clear and SHE’D look like the a-hole for forcing her beliefs on you.

Of course, Chelsea probably wouldn’t have felt the need to speak up if it weren’t for d-bag number two; the industry.

The comics industry, Marvel in particular, have been ignoring the demands of a large number of fans that are crying out for more respectable ladies (and minority groups, but that’s another rant) driving the plots of their stories. And while things are certainly getting better in that regard, the change is far too slow. Sorry Marvel, but as great as Rescue, She-Hulk, and the new Thor and Spider-Woman are, distaff counterparts of established acts just smack of insincerity and attempts to bait the Feminist crowd. You have great characters like Black Widow, Captain Marvel, and Jessica Jones that you keep saying that you’re going to push more, but it feels like you’re dragging your heels in doing so.

But the one person I’m most shocked to be disappointed in out of all of this mess – and brace yourself, ’cause this is going to hurt – is Chelsea Cain herself.

By fleeing Twitter, you’ve shown an emotional weakness in yourself to the industry and the bullies. You’ve shown them that by throwing a temper tantrum and slinging a volley insults and hollow threats like spoiled children, they can have whatever they want. Believe me; I know how rough it can be to absorb all of the cruelty and hate of others. I’ve put up with it all throughout my life and I have the scars and broken bones to prove it. But, like poor tortured Sisyphus, you must struggle on with a smile on your face knowing that taking joy in your suffering brings the gods nothing but frustration and despair. I know it’s a cliché, but you can’t run away from your problems like this.

There are two truths of the universe that this blog illustrates consistently and without fail; I love to support worthy talents that I feel don’t get enough attention and I F***ING hate the Disney Princess model of storytelling.

For the uninitiated, Jason was a former visual effects animator for Dreamworks (THE “anti-Disney” in their own right). But the one-off conversation he had with his friends asking who was the least likely historical/mythological figure to be selected as a Disney Princess style heroine in a children’s movie inspired him to flaunt his illustrating and writing skills as well.

What’s funny is that Jason – a white, straight man from Kentucky with no background in history or drawing (his major in college was Film Theory) – seems to realize that he’s the least likely person to be spearheading a multicultural, historical, feminist art blog that has gone viral. However, I would argue how that just proves that anyone can have a worthy voice and extraordinary talent.

So, what about the blog itself? Basically, Jason has taken notes on THOUSANDS of famous women from history, legend, and myth that he feels would be deemed by studios as, “too awesome, awful, or offbeat for kids’ movies.” He then proceeds to gather information from various credible sources, illustrate them in a Disney-esque style that he feels reflects both their real-life appearance and personality/story, and shares their tale with the world – recently in the form of full comics.

I think my favorite tale was his take on the bitter-sweet life of Lyudmila Pavlichenko; the ‘Lady Death’ of Russia during World War II and holder of the title of the world’s deadliest female sniper (309 confirmed kills by the age of 25). Jason’s rendition of her story shows a woman’s dark descent into bitter hatred only to be saved by one kind soul – in this case, First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt.

One of the nice features of Jason’s site is how he included collapsible footnotes between panels of the comics. This allows the reader to get the full story without cluttering the page with asterisks or simply enjoy the epic tale of a princess escaping her imprisonment only to come back with an army without fretting over the history.

To call this guy “Pro-Feminist” would be an insult to my 3rd favorite game, one of my top ten favorite voice actors, and the noble sportsman’s hobby of EXPLOSIONS!Source: thevirtuallyunreal.tumblr.com

Recently, I was introduced to a fascinating new idea in the fight for gender equality. Apparently, there are some fresh young minds out there that are attempting to use language to strengthen the fight for equality between the sexes.

In essence, some people feel that by having men call themselves Feminists, it detracts from the efforts of women in the Feminist community that the school of thought was intended to help and empower. However, they also don’t want to take away from the men who actually try to make things fair for everyone. To that end, some people have started encouraging male Feminists to start calling themselves “Pro-Feminists” instead.

Before I get into my usual criticism, I’d just like to say that I understand the thinking here. People want to celebrate the women that Feminism was made for. That’s a perfectly noble cause and I feel their hearts are in the right place.

However, I can’t help but see a few potential problems with this new set-up.

First, for all of the concern about language diminishing the efforts of women that started this movement, supporters of this change seem to have missed how they flipped the issue 180 degrees on to men now. By using the phrase Pro-Feminist to describe male Feminists, a person seems to be implying (however unintentionally), that men can’t be useful to the cause and be a part of the team. It makes men look like an other in society and creates the atmosphere of “no boys/girls allowed” that Feminism was meant to challenge and destroy.

Also, I feel like the word implies a sense of laziness or apathy to a person. A Feminist sounds like someone who actively tries to fight for equality; a Pro-Feminist sounds like someone who’s into the idea, but can’t be arsed to actually do any work for it. And remember who’s saying this; as a creative writer, radio personality, journalist, public speaker, and stage performer, I know how important it is for a word to sound just right.

Lastly, this new language ignores how much good Feminism does for men as well as women. For example, every time a guy gets bullied and taunted by being emasculated with feminine slurs (i.e., being called a bitch, a p***y, a c***, ETC.) or is criticized for being “too girly”, that throws every woman under the bus as well by implying that feminine is bad. It may be called feminism, but it’s meant to help EVERYONE be equal to each other regardless of their gender or the gender roles they choose for themselves.

In short, I personally feel there’s nothing wrong calling yourself a Feminist regardless of your gender. All that title means is that you believe in striving for a society that doesn’t judge a person’s value or force roles on them based on their gender. Perhaps what we really need is to change the word “Feminism” to reflect that belief a little better.

Of course, this movement in language is still young and anything could happen. I await your thoughts on the subject, world.

All-Female Metal Tributes

I was born and raised as a metalhead. My parents fed me a steady stream of the Hair Metal they grew up with like KISS and Poison as well as Hard Rock (all Metal’s common ancestor) like AC/DC and Aerosmith. However, as I grow older, I’ve noticed a problem with Metal; despite how many girls I know that love it, the only time you see women in the genre are on the questionable and often exploitative album art.

Apparently, some lovely ladies agreed that this was wrong and took it upon themselves to take a few extraneous Y-chromosomes out of the sound by forming all-female tribute bands dedicated to some of the greats of Metal. Some notable bands in the genre include Judas Priestess, Hells Belles, and my favorite on the basis of the name alone; Vag Halen.

It’s no mistake that this is the first genre I cover in this article after verbally tearing Meghan Trainor a superabundant sphincter last week. It seems that many female artists are forgetting that feminism is NOT narrow-minded self-interest and nursing a superiority complex. We need more people in the world that actually care about adding to the scope and range of voices heard in media. And that’s why I love this genre.

It’s also why I love…

Queercore

In much the same way that the above mentioned all-female metal tributes were born from women being excluded from the Metal scene, so to was queercore (aka; homocore) born from the inherently homophobic vibes of 80’s hardcore punk and created an alternative for those being excluded that enjoyed the sound.

Bands and artists in queercore use the same naming conventions as our AFMT friends above. Only instead of feminizing existing bands and songs, they ‘gay them up’ as it were. This results in bands like Youth of Togay, Cockwind, and Gayrilla Biscuits.

My favorite though has to be Black Fag – who not only donate the proceeds from tours to charities in the gay community but also do the best cover of T.V. Party I’ve ever heard.

Chap-Hop

And you thought this was just going to be politicized tribute bands…

You know what my beef is with modern mainstream rap? The class is gone. Back in the day, rap and hip-hop were fun and happy, even as they talked about serious issues. Old school rappers in the 80’s and early 90’s would still brag and boast, but did so with an air of dignity. Basically, rap forgot how to be a gentleman.

Leave it to the British to remind us how to be classy.

Chap-hop is the combination of modern rap and that distinctly British men’s fashion trend; chap. The result is a sound that blends rap-style production with a sound that wouldn’t be out of place on a 1900’s photograph and coats it in hilarious boasting lyrics about stereotypically gentlemanly things like tea, mustache grooming, and playing cricket.

Chap-hop has bled into another odd subculture, steampunk, and you can find many chap-hop artists like Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer, Poplock Holmes, and Professor Elemental performing at conventions.

Well, I teased it last week. I might as well say for real this time; I have no trust or faith left in Meghan Trainor as an artist.

What started as a few misgivings I noticed in All About That Bass devolved into anti-male insults in Lips Are Movin’ and again into outdated 50’s patriarchal family values in Dear Future Husband. But I feel that it’s her latest offering, NØ, that encapsulates everything wrong her message as an artist.

I could complain about how she’s sold out and traded in the 50’s classic rock sound for a generic ‘angry girl’ pop sound, but this isn’t about her sound. This is about the text and subtext of her work; what she wants us to do with our lives as a society and how she’s demonstrably wrong.

So let’s waste no time. I’m going to breakdown Trainor’s lyrics to prove that she A) genuinely hates men and B) doesn’t know how feminism works.

“I think it’s so cute and I think it’s so sweet/How you let your friends encourage you to try and talk to me”

Wait, that’s a charming trait to you? Most people I know would take having to be goaded to do something as a sign of cowardice or lack of character. It’s not an accurate assessment I grant you, but it is the prevailing knowledge.

“But let me stop you there, oh, before you speak”

You might want to remember this too because she’s about to make a bunch of snap judgments on this guy without exchanging two words with him.

“My name is no/My sign is no/My number is no”

Okay, so this is ACTUALLY a good message to preach. After all, it’s important for everyone – men, women, and otherwise – to know that they have the right to refuse to put up with sexual harassment. I have no problems with this. It’s how she’s going to try to preach this word that bugs me.

Also, and I realize how petty a complaint this is, but has ANYONE worth being taken seriously ever used the phrase ‘what’s your sign’ unironically? I’m sorry, but I hear people treat that like a legit pick-up line and want to immediately want to deduct 20 IQ points.

That’s a pretty big leap in logic considering you stopped him before he could even speak to you. For all you know, you left your purse at the bar after your third Long Island Iced Ted and he just wants to return it.

“Call me beautiful, so original, telling me I’m not like other girls”

You know what Meg, You’re right. I shouldn’t pay you unoriginal complements. I should just tell you that you’re a sloppy bitch with the face of a bulldog and be on my way.

I understand the feeling of being approached by an undesirable. I really do. But even I’m not such a dick as to throw a legit compliment back in someone’s face. Are you telling me there was no more gentle way to turn this guy down? ESPECIALLY when you consider that you know he’s already so emotionally frail and nervous around you that he needed his friends to encourage him to even speak?

Actually, no. You don’t even KNOW that he was going to pay you a backhanded compliment because you shot him down before he got a word out.

“I was in my zone before you came along, now I’m thinking maybe you should go”

Well, how the hell did I know what you wanted? I’m not psychic; I’m human. We talk and communicate in order to exchange thoughts and ideas. Are you seeing the problem here, yet?

Wait, this song implies that we’re at a club. If you didn’t what to socialize with people, why the F*** are you in a social setting? If you just wanted to get drunk and dance with friends, you could have done that with fewer interruptions and less money with a bottle of rum and your Spotify playlist in your overpriced seaside house in Nantucket, Massachusetts.

“Blah, blah, blah, I be like nah to the ah to the no, no, no”

You know what OTHER phrase makes me deduct IQ points from you? ‘Blah blah blah.’ Not only does it sound childish, but it also implies that the speaker is closed minded and unthinking.

Seriously, Meg, You would have been better off saying ‘Yadda yadda yadda’ at this point.

Girls, listen to me. Generally speaking, directed lip-licking and booty shaking are signs of sexual interest. So when you flirt like that with someone and then IMMEDIATELY shoot them down, you aren’t being some unstoppable valkyrie; you are mercilessly taunting a total stranger.

Now, for the sake of argument, let’s say Trainor is right and this guy IS a massive douchebag trying to get in her pants. What do you think a large, aggressive, primitive thinking and sexually frustrated human is likely to do when the woman of his affections taunts him with the fact that he ain’t getting any?

… Yeah, let that sink in. And if it’s not you because there are too many people around to get away with it, he’ll find someone just like you.

Congratulations, Meg. You just made the Men’s Rights Activists look right. Now we have to deal with even MORE of their ignorant garbage.

“Thank you in advance, I don’t wanna dance/I don’t need your hands all over me/If I want a man, then I’mma get a man/But it’s never my priority”

Okay, I could reiterate how you don’t ACTUALLY know this guy’s intent and the paradox of being anti-social in a social setting, but this is significantly better. We’re back to the message of sexual independence and not owing anyone anything in regards to sex. Awesome. Can we stay on this path?

“I was in my zone, before you came along, don’t want you to take this personal”

Of course not…

Meg, when you flat-out admit that you knew how nervous I was to speak to you, make massive assumptions about my intent, and then actively build up my confidence just to break me down again, HOW AM I TO TAKE THAT ANY OTHER WAY THAN PERSONAL?

Also, please stop saying, “… in my zone.” You’re just reminding me of Kanye West and you have enough problems without being associated with an egomaniacal rapper… though that may be an apt description if you keep on the path you’re on now.

“I’m feeling/Untouchable, untouchable”

And speaking as someone who was routinely targeted by bullies throughout his public school life – including having his hand broken, being thrown head first into a concrete wall, and being wheeled out of school with a concussion – THAT’S when you need to be most on guard.

Nothing will get you in more trouble than acting like you’re indestructible. You start to overestimate yourself and are more likely to treat others as beneath you. All it takes is one person to get sick of your pompous B.S. and you’re headed for a fall.

Also, this bridge is infuriatingly repetitive. Like, to the point where it feels a lot longer than it actually is.

So, all that being said, how should you ACTUALLY handle a pushy prick at the bar?

Well, for starters, be on guard while maintaining a respectful atmosphere. Let them say their piece and if you aren’t interested, politely decline.

If they press the matter, don’t be afraid to seek help. This is something these Faux-Feminist anthems tend to leave out since the authorities that could help (bartenders and bouncers, in this case) are typically men. And, “we can’t have men around to aid the cause of women. That would make us seem hypocritical and won’t sell albums. Sorry, can’t hear your logic and legitimate concerns over the sound of all this MONEY!”

So to conclude the longest rant I’ve ever gone on, I hate this song and, by extension, the woman who sings it because they promote a ‘us versus them’ mentality to sexual politics, give potentially dangerous advice, and think that the best way to combat gender discrimination is to objectify the other side even more than what they were inflicting on you.

I can’t be the only one that sees the folly in acting like this; emulating the worst aspects of arrogance and cruelty found in the people we can’t stand. Even if you do buy into Trainor’s ‘boys are stupid; throw rocks at them’ mentality, do you really want to live in a world where the only way to be respected as a woman… is to act like a man?

So, after last week’s barrage of righteous vitriol and the pain of the blooming trees surrounding my apartment assaulting my sinuses, I just need something simple and calm to work on in order to decompress as the seasonal allergies pass. As such, I’m going to take a page out of “MovieBob” Chipman’s playbook and do some spring cleaning with my idea files.

Like Bob, I often run into the problem of having tons of ideas and not being able to get them on digital paper. Sometimes they get lost in the shuffle of other more relevant/prominent thoughts. Sometimes I don’t feel I have enough info to work of off. And sometimes I just need a few days of mental prep before I can work up the nerve to tear something apart.

Let us waste no more time as we delve into the recesses of my mind and ponder the mysteries that only I care about like…

“Whitewashing” in films is becoming a problem again, isn’t it?

Between the upcoming Ghost in the Shell and Doctor Strange movies quickly approaching, there’s been a lot of complaints about Asian characters being portrayed by caucasian actresses.

The problem I’m having is that I’m seeing both sides of the issue and can’t make a definite stance either way. On one hand, as a stage performer myself, I know how much of a pain it can be to find the right person for the role and you have to make due with what you have (we never went as far as race swapping, but we did have to have performers cross-dress in order to fill roles).

On the other, there’s no denying that this is a missed opportunity for a few minority actors and actresses to break out and find an audience. And as someone who like to see fresh talent at work, that’s kind of sad.

Overall, at least for now until new information surfaces, I’m more forgiving towards Doctor Strange since their whitewashing is in service to removing the Asian mysticism stereotype and feels like it wasn’t intentionally racist. Ghost in the Shell; not so much. I love Scarlett Johansson, but she should have known better than agree to play a Japanese woman in a Japanese setting in a movie about Japan.

I’m losing weight… and I don’t know how to feel about it…

This one comes from the personal thoughts and quandaries file, but it’s one of those thoughts I feel needs to be broadcasted on the off chance that someone else feels the same and needs some comforting.

So, ever since I moved out roughly eight or nine months ago, I’ve been steadily dropping pounds like a clumsy British banker. I’ve lost at least six inches off my waist since this started.

And while I’ve been getting my fair share of compliments on the subject, I can’t help but be spooked by it. It’s happening very quickly, my clothes are hanging off of me, and – while I feel healthy – I think that I look drawn and exhausted. Add to that the fact I rarely get breaks on the job and am in constant motion (New Hampshire labor laws suck, remember?), and I worry that I’m headed for a bad time.

It may just be over-thinking on my part, but it is a concern and I hope that others in the same boat might be able to identify with the feeling.

Meghan Trainor betrayed me… AGAIN.

What is this, Meg – the third time you stabbed me in the back after I stood up for you?

Between the successes of Dear Future Husband and NO, it’s pretty obvious that I was completely wrong about Trainor. She’s more than just not pro-woman; she’s anti-man.

I know that sounds like I’m being a Men’s Right Activist, but if you listen to her long enough (as the radio at work has forced me to do), you start to notice repeating themes of taunting and self-interest in her lyrics that are inimical to feminist theory and assert her false sense of authority over men and women alike; with men seeming to be her preferred target.

I’ll probably do a lyrical breakdown of NO at some point to prove my stance, but it’s like I said in the beginning. Last week just sucked all the joy from me and I don’t have the strength to deal with Meg’s B.S. at this point. Just know that her day of reckoning is coming.