South Carolina Is Full Of Sick, Twisted Turtle Murderers

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Clemson University student Nathan Weaver set out to determine how to help turtles cross the road. He ended up getting a glimpse into the dark souls of some humans.

That is not where I saw this news story about turtles going.

Weaver put a realistic rubber turtle in the middle of a lane on a busy road near campus. Then he got out of the way and watched over the next hour as seven drivers swerved and deliberately ran over the animal. Several more apparently tried to hit it but missed.

South Carolina, WHAT THE FUCK!?!

To seasoned researchers, the practice wasn’t surprising.

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Sometimes humans feel a need to prove they are the dominant species on this planet by taking a two-ton metal vehicle and squishing a defenseless creature under the tires, said Hal Herzog, a Western Carolina University psychology professor.

When I feel the need to prove to myself that my species is the most dominant one on Earth I simply look around, realize there isn’t a pack of Velociraptors (they’re smart enough to open doors!) hunting me, and then play on my miracle of science called a cell phone as giant, winged, metal machines DEFY NATURE and soar over my head.

In South Carolina, they murder turtles.

Weaver, who became interested in animals and conservation through the Boy Scouts and TV’s “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin, wants to figure out the best way to get turtles safely across the road and keep the population from dwindling further.

Among the possible solutions: turtle underpasses or an education campaign aimed at teenagers on why drivers shouldn’t mow turtles down.

The problem is so bad that the turtle population is rapidly dwindling and they might construct turtle underpasses? Good God. I’d recommend putting up “Turtle X-ing” signs, but I assume that would just give South Carolina drivers massive murder boners and simply inform them where the good turtle killin’s at, instead of having the intended effect.

He went back out about a week later, choosing a road in a more residential area. He followed the same procedure, putting the fake turtle in the middle of the lane, facing the far side of the road, as if it was early in its journey across. The second of the 50 cars to pass by that day swerved over the center line, its right tires pulverizing the plastic shell.

The driver swerved across the center line. South Carolina drivers are so enthusiastic about murdering turtles that they will literally neglect their own safety and the safety of other human beings…to kill a turtle.

Rob Fox (né Bacon) is Director of Video Content and a Senior Writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He is a graduate, without honors, from the University of Missouri. Rob is originally from St. Louis, and currently lives in Austin, Texas. He still has not admitted to his family what he does for a living, and is prone to having wet nightmares ever since losing his virginity in a haunted house. Email: rob@grandex.co