Friday, July 25, 2008

Husky Women, Girly Men, and my old teacher's Alien Baby. FLF is so much fun!

To My Darling Brooke,

Imagine my surprise when I heard that you would possibly be posing nude for Playboy. Can you believe this whole time I thought they were known for putting naked WOMEN in Playboy? But hey, big ups to ol' papyrus scroll peen for deciding to really put the 'boy' in Playboy. Not to say you're not a gorgeous person Brooke, but I can't help but think you pick out your short shorts in the husky section at Ross. Actually, the more I think about it, the more I realize that this is a brilliant move because now you can really be the crossover star that you've always wanted to be. You'll grace the covers for Playboy (tucked) and Playgirl (untucked)!

If this does happen, just make sure your dad doesn't come with you - it is such a bitch to have to airbrush his hands off your ass. Lord knows they're going to be plenty busy airbrushing your testies5'clock shadow jawline so they can try and soften you up a bit Brookehilda.

So yeah, I can't wait. A blonde with big boobs in Playboy - who would've thought the magazine would take such risks?!

With Love,Yo Momma.

To My Darling Sarah Jessica Parker,

Oh my, why the long face SJP? (hee). Is it because Star is reporting that your husband is cheating on you with some 25 year old woman who's a camp counselor? Don't fret dear Sarah, you know how inaccurate Star is about reporting these things. Because I'm pretty sure when they said "camp counselor" and "woman"- they probably meant "effeminate hairdresser" or "Nathan Lane." There is no way my girl Matty would be cheating on you with a woman. Although, give the gal a break and have him wear the heels or raid your closet once in a while. Lord knows he spends enough time in his closet - he could use the change of scenery.

What are you doing on Perez Hilton.com? Shouldn't you be in school coaching the football team whilst wearing those uncomfortably and inappropriately tight "athletic" shorts you used to wear even in the dead of winter? (Although in California, winter is a day where the temperature is below 70. BRR!) Let me take this time to thank you for being the greatest student government teacher a girl could ask for. Most importantly, all those multiple "student government" passes you used to give me so that I could skip out on insignificant things like 'algebra class' and attend to more pressing issues like, do we have enough butcher paper to make a banner for the homecoming game? ?? So what if I still do mathematical calculations with my fingers, the most important thing is I write the world "homecoming" in bubble letters and in 3D.

Anyways, congratulations on your daughter Stacy's success. Although I have to admit when I saw that 8x10 picture of her and her 'band' Wild Orchid in your office, my first thought was, how could you allow your daughter to be in porn named after a Renuzit air freshener? But look how much penis she's grown! Who knew that premature aging (meth is great!) and peeing on yourself would be the secret formula to success?!?I don't know Hollywood at all.

With Love,Your former student and most unqualified class president in the history of R.H.S.Yo Momma

I do love me some Mr. Ferguson, he was a great teacher and I hate to talk smack on Stacy but she just gives me the creeps. That face is so radically different from what she used to look like - its like that movie Men In Black where the cockroach alien takes over that farmer's body.