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6.29.2016

the period of time between april thirteenth and june fourth was akin to the top of a hill. my life (heavy and hard) is a boulder, and i suppose that makes me sisyphus. of course, just as i had started to foolishly believe that maybe, just maybe, this time i would make it to the top of the hill, that boulder just started to roll back down.

and here we are, with me sitting atop this boulder, head in my hands, sighing deeply. deplorable wretch that i am.

perhaps the only person in the world whose low opinion of me rivals my own low opinion of myself is my egg donor. lately, it seems that with everything going on in my life, her opinion of me gets worse and worse. the worse it gets, the more verbally and emotionally abusive she becomes. and the more that happens, the more i hate myself.

someone said you've made it through every bad day you've ever had-- 100% success rate!
nick drake knows though. it's not so simple as that.

6.19.2016

foolish, foolish, foolish girl that i am. despite all my best efforts, my emotions always get the better of me. i've tried, tried, and tried some more. done everything i possibly could, yet this boy worms his way into my heart. carelessly. innocently. and so naturally, as if there were no other option for the two of us but to like each other. he doesn't make me feel out of control, like some others did, or freeze when i'm talking to him unexpectedly. from the first day, we were comfortable with each other.

maybe too comfortable. (who's to say for sure?)

at first, we were just getting to know each other better. then all of a sudden, it was him, meeting my friends and immediately impressing them with his charm. it was me, meeting his mother quite by accident and somehow impressing her with my friendliness. it was the two of us, spending time together. usually, as a result of him. (wanting to watch a movie. play uno. go to an open mic together.) occasionally, as an odd favor to me. (borrowed a guitar capo. needed a bike pump, tonight. once, just for a bear hug and an iced coffee.) sometimes just as a result of us wanting to see each other. (him: reading a scary story, playing a song on the guitar, telling me about his family. me: explaining how i feel music, reverently whispering about jeff buckley, delicately running my fingers through his hair and beard.) he offers to do things for me. drive me places, pick things up, drop things off. and me? i'm not even trying. i'm not even sure what i'm doing around him most of the time. i don't think i've done anything for him. he says my presence is more than enough. (who could believe such a thing?)

i remember the way he looked at me steadily, seriously, confidently as he said,i totally like you, just a week into our friendship. the way i nervously, hesitantly, bashfully mumbled back that i liked him too. we marveled over how open we felt with each other, how genuine, how relaxed. we've seen each other every week since we met. we've spoken almost every day since then. we talk about real things. we agree on important things. we share an odd, off kilter sense of humor. we treat each other with respect.

paradox that i am, i'm both enamored and terrified. his girlfriend broke up with him the day we met. (maybe these details are too detailed... oh well.) at first, as i voiced my apprehensions, he'd tell me, the universe is always at work. then over time, as reality sunk in (reality being that he was very recently single), he began to take time to puzzle things through and really get in touch with his feelings. and me? i took the part of myself that was getting lost in the moment and locked her away. or at least i thought i did.

perhaps the worst part of this is that no matter how hard we both try to keep this friendship casual (and, as per his tortured request, rated PG), there's something there. i don't remember this happening before. clicking with someone, agreeing with someone, feeling so comfortable with someone so quickly. let me clarify-- without alcohol. i've become a creature haunted by fears. a fear of not getting a job soon enough. a fear of the outcome of my court date in a month or so. a fear that his mother will invite me to their fourth of july barbecue. a fear that i'll live in this house longer than my mind can handle. a fear that i'll hurt or be hurt by this strange, strange boy.

he might be the only person in existence who's able to ask me to do things i'd normally not be comfortable with and have me say yes, albeit reluctantly. out at a diner once, before watching a movie together, he invited me to try an appetizer. i did. (i don't remember the last time i tried a new dish before that.) the other night, showing me a fishing rod he had bought, he asked me if i'd like to go fishing with him sometime. i said yes. i have absolutely no interest in fishing. or i suppose, i didn't before this. to his credit, he seems to be sincerely pleased with me, though i can't begin to understand why. and me?

i just hope my mind figures this out before my heart gets any more tangled up in blue.

6.17.2016

i started performing, carrying my guitar around on my back and flirting with anyone who liked my music. drank less. drank more. stopped drinking. started again. got arrested, stopped drinking again. broke up with the boy for being dishonest. (i value honesty, you know that.) blew through lives like a whirlwind, carelessly batting my eyelashes and giggling as boys fell for me. then slipped into the night and vanished. eventually, empty handed, i realized i had spent too many nights. emotionally bankrupt, i just focused on school for a few weeks. i graduated, finally. angrily. bitterly. cursing myself, as perfectionists do, regardless of their achievements.

this seems so negative when i write it like that.

let's start again.

i started performing, carrying my guitar around on my back and collecting fans like spare change. became a connoisseur of bloody mary's. realized i wasn't cut out for that job and took a break. in a moment of clarity, valued myself enough to return to being single. spent time with different people, got to know them on a deep level. (i don't know how many people inquire about childhoods and personal details with their one nighters, but i do.) realized i wasn't cut out for all of that socializing and took a break. although i did meet one boy who (his words) clicked with me immediately, decided to invest my energy in the last month of college. graduated, finally.

feels like there are holes in it when i try to paint it as a happy few months.

halfway through the year. it hasn't been terrible. in fact, it's been pretty great. (aside from the arrest.)

well, you know how it is, here's hoping things get better.

never a dull moment in this life, i'm afraid. at least lately i've been taking it easy. introspecting. and getting ready to start therapy. (keyword: start. will i finish? who knows?)

it's funny how you can say something and yet really not say much at all, isn't it?