As Their Candidate Field Narrows, GOP Worries ‘Not Enough A-Holes Left to Choose From’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Republican National Committee held a press conference this morning, led by its Chairman, Reince Priebus, and the message was one of dire concern.

“We’re incredibly worried that as the field of potential Republican presidential nominees gets smaller,” Priebus said, “there is a potential for there to be not enough assholes left to choose from.”

Mr. Priebus said that one of his party’s “chief a-holes,” Chris Christie left the race this week and he would leave “a tremendously gaping hole where he once was.” Republican voters, Priebus reasoned, “are conditioned to love bombastic, bullying assholes.”

“For decades they’ve listened to the likes of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Bill O’Reilly yell and scream about how lazy poor people are, how inherently and culturally black people are more violent, that gay people want to ruing their lives by being equal, and that women are just biologically the weaker sex,” Priebus said, “so they are trained like Pavlov’s asshole-y dogs to respond to assholes first and foremost.”

During the press conference, Priebus pointed to Carly Fiorina’s campaign as an example of his party “extending the asshole umbrella.” Because Fiorina is a woman, he reasoned, “it proves [the Republican Party] are willing to change with the times and accept that women should feel perfectly free to be as asshole-y as possible.”

Priebus said he’s relieved that the primary race’s top two assholes haven’t left yet, and is hoping some of the “lower-tier douchebags step up to asshole level” before the party’s convention this summer.

“It’s great that Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are still in the race,” Priebus said, “because they are clearly the two biggest assholes we have to offer right now. I just hope that some of the lower-tier douchebags step up to the asshole level instead of quitting. Our voters need to see as many different assholes in front of their faces as possible.”

In 2012, Priebus said, the GOP faced a similar problem, but he was relieved when the now infamous “47%” video was reported on by Mother Jones. Even though many feel his party ultimately lost at least in part because of that video, Priebus sees a silver lining there.

“Nothing would have been more devastating for our reputations if Mitt Romney hadn’t been shown to be an oligarchic asshole,” Priebus said, “I mean, the dog on the roof thing was cute, but I’m just not sure it rose to the asshole level that the 47% video did.”

Ultimately, Mr. Priebus says that Trump or Cruz is “probably more than enough asshole” for the whole party, but that he wants “asshole backup.”

“Let’s face it,” Priebus said as he finished up the press conference, “either Donald or Ted probably have within the asshole quotient of a whole squadron of bastards. But in this day and age, I often wonder if our voters can ever really, truly have enough assholes in their lives. And from what I can tell, Republican voters really, truly cannot get enough of a good asshole.”

The General Election is still a little less than nine months away, and the race for the GOP nomination is still very contested and fractured.