Miami Bch, FL - (July 16) -
Americans everywhere breathed a long deep sigh of relief
yesterday, as they finally managed to shake off that old
dorky Mars tinker-toy geek-rock thing and get back to
something that's real and spiritual and deeply
inspirational for them. You know -- celebrity murder.

"The American people really really like celebrity
murder," said average American, Rebecca Kramer of
Natick, Mass, expressing an opinion echoed by average
Americans everywhere, regardless of race class gender or
OS preference.

"I mean," Kramer continued, "After a hard day of
bullshit and lies, it's nice to come home to something
honest, like murder -- cold-blooded,
pre-meditated, malice aforethought -- where you know, if
only for a moment, somebody really meant it. No
lies. No compromise. 24-7. Roger. Out."

Kramer's voice took on the staticky sound of a cockpit
radio, as she walked slowly backwards and dissolved into
the moving crowd.

Meanwhile, in only its first day online, accused serial
and made-for-Larry-King Versace murderer, Andrew
Cunanan's website, WWW.CUNANAN.COM,
has already received
over 550 million hits, far surpassing the website
traffic of both NASA's Mars goop and Playboy's angry
beavers, put together.

"We've been really gratified by all the traffic," said
Cunanan, who single-handedly maintains the site while on
the run from FBI, using a Calvin Klein pentium laptop
with an Armani 28.8 modem, "And I really wanna thank all
the many kind people who've written in with suggestions
about who I should, you know, kill next."

Despite his mail, though, Cunanan said he thought the
"Wired" staff were all fine people, doing the best they
could with limited resources and under difficult
circumstances, and that he would continue to make his
own decisions when it came to victim selection,
and was more interested, frankly, in doing more
widely-known celebrities.

"How about Buchanan," Cunanan asked. "Is he still
alive? Or is that guy on TV just some Disney animatron
they use?"

According to Cunanan, major US cities are now bidding
for his services. "The citizens have already voted
electronically," he said, "And they're pretty much
unanimous about how much they want me to come to their
town."

Last night, for example, according to CNN, when Cunanan
arrived in Daytona Beach, traffic pulled quietly off the
road and thousands of pedestrians stopped milling about
and respectfully queued up along either side of the
street as the popular spree killer walked slowly down
the middle of the road, smile tinged with just a hint of
sadness, firing at random into the crowd, occasionally
stopping to replace a spent clip, and then continue on
again, walking, firing, people falling over, accompanied
by the slow, growing, methodical chant of the assembled
citizens, "Go! Go! Go!"