About Me

This blog is dedicated to my journey through recurrent miscarriage and infertility. I am 37, happily married for 11 years to my high school sweetheart, now with two greatly loved sons - a 6 year old son (PDD-NOS dx changed to Sensory/Motor delay in 9/08) conceived through Clomid/IUI and our newest addition, born 6/08 after a surprise pregnancy. I am currently a working mommy, but I long to be home to raise them 24/7. We had been on an extended TTC break since March 2006 before getting pregnant on own own, after 1 failed Clomid cycle and 3 miscarriages (2 resulting from "successful" Clomid cycles)... We have a diagnosis for our recurrent losses - Homozygous MTHFR and Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I took an unexpected day off yesterday from work - Chris started to get this horrible rash Sunday night, and it got worse over the course of Monday. Come yesterday morning, raised, red bumps were all over him. Luckily, he had no fever, did not appear to have any flu-like symptoms, and he was not scratching at it. But, it looked horrible. So, we called his pediatrician and we were told to haul him in. We did that - and it turned out that he is allergic to amoxicillin. Who knew? He had been on the antibiotic for the strep I gave him for over a week before the rash appeared! Now that he is finished with it, we just have to wait until the rash goes away...and we can never give him a penicillin-based antibiotic in the future (we had to all the pharmacy to have them mark it in his files).

Anyways, so by the time we were done with the pediatrician, it was after 10:30 am - the doctor's office (like almost ALL of my doctor's offices) is about 45 minutes away from our house, and since I had to drop Chris and my MIL off, I wasn't going to leave for work until at least 11:30 am. It takes me about 45 minutes to get to work. So, by the time I got here for work, it would have been past 12:30 pm. What's the point going in then? I called my boss - she said sure, take the day. So, I did.

Rebel!

My MIL and I decided to take Chris to K-Mart to do some shopping and adventuring - which, of course, resulted in some goodies for the boy with the funky rash. After that, we traveled home, gave Chris lunch, let him swim in the baby pool in my MIL's backyard. While he was swimming, I headed back to my house for a bit since Chris would be going down for a nap shortly after anyway. I figured since I took the day, I could get some other things done that I wanted to do - and do them while Chris was down for his nap.

So, I changed out of my work clothes and headed outside so I could put mulch down in the front garden. We finally finished the front (except for buying the Mountain Laurel from the Back to the grind... post from last week - I am buying that today on my way home from work to put in over this coming weekend since the nurseries I called last week who allegedly "had it" in reality didn't), except for the mulch. I did that for about an hour - and sweat my fanny off in the process! Once I was done, I went inside, cleaned up a bit, had a snack, painted my toe nails (I bought open-toes sandals finally!), watched a little of Days of Our Lives. Once that was all done, I decided to back my mom's birthday cake for today:

As I was in the middle of mixing the batter, it occurred to me that I shouldn't have been making this cake just for my mom yesterday - I should have been backing it for my mom AND my angel I lost in November 2005.

It should have been my second angel's 1st birthday today - June 27th.

It is not like I forgot about the date - I haven't forgotten by a long shot, and I doubt I ever will. But, I suppose I have become so at peace with what life has dealt me thus far that I just haven't had the need to push to remember or commemorate this day - to make it a full day of mourning anymore. I think of my angel babies more than anyone can imagine - wonder what they would be doing now, how different life would be now with them here with us. It is a daily thing that I do alone - when I look at Chris, at his room which would have been the babies room, when I look at our family photo of just the three of us.

Maybe Hubby thinks about them as much as I do too... I never asked...and I don't want to pry either.

But, at the same time, I know they are with me always - wherever I go and whatever I do. I feel them when my charm bracelet tinkles as the charms hit each other when I move my arm:

I think if them when I see my memory boxes on my dresser in our bedroom:

I know they are with me - with us - when I see that special twinkle in Chris' eyes:

I don't have this need anymore to take the day off and mourn their loss, to mourn what today is not.

My mom, Chris and I already shared a piece of the cake this morning when I brought him over to her house for the day... And, I remembered my baby as we shared it.

...But, I also began to realize yesterday as I put the cake in the oven that I am obsessing again on TTC.

...And, I have to stop doing that.

I spent the better part of the 2WW last cycle testing when I KNEW there was no way in hell I would see a BFP - and justifying it as I needed to know so we can adjust the Levoxyl levels. Now, I DO have to know early to adjust the thyroid med levels to try to prevent another miscarriage - but, not at 9 DPO. I went back on the message boards at FF and began posting in the forums that I knew I shouldn't be posting in. When I knew the Witch was coming, I started obsessing about the next cycle - how it would go, what meds we would use. I started getting upset about things not going right trying to set up this next cycle with Dr. D.

...Hubby has noticed it.

...So have I.

It has taken me so, so long to STOP thinking this way - and I find myself doing it again instinctively, unconsciously.

It has to stop.

So, I never called Dr. D's office yesterday to find out if he finally received the clearance to TTC from Dr. S. I figured it was his surgery day - he wasn't going to see it anyway since he rarely in the office on surgery day, so why bother pushing the issue with Lee and Liz? What am I going to change by stalking them? Not much.

I am going to call the office shortly - really to find out if they received the clearance. But, I am not going to push to move forward this cycle. If Dr. D would prefer to meet with us again, have me do another exam - whatever short of standing on my head for an hour while singing the Star Spangled Banner - I will do that and then move on from there.

I am trying to find that delicate balance of being my own best medical/TTC advocate and not being obsessed over having another child to the point where it destroys me.

And, it is hard.

This is going to be a HUGE test in letting go of the control and guarantees. Nothing is perfectly in our control - and nothing is guaranteed. Chris was a blessing - perfect in every way. But, I have learned the hard way from my miscarriages that nothing is guaranteed - even if I get PG again, that doesn't mean I will bring a baby home to nurture and love. Just because my body figured out how to ovulate on its own doesn't mean that 1) my body will do it again and 2) it will produce a child to push things around in my body for 9 months. Just because I take Clomid and set up an IUI doesn't mean I will end up PG again with a viable, uneventful pregnancy.

I have invested so much time in counseling - Dr. P has taught me how to give up control on things that are just never guaranteed - I can't allow myself to obsess or push anymore. It only steals away time for Chris, Hubby and myself...time that is too short as it is.

So, what will be, will be. Right?

Let It BeThe Beatles

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me,speaking words of wisdom, let it be.And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me,speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be.Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,there will be an answer, let it be.For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,there will be an answer. let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me,shine until tomorrow, let it be.I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me,speaking words of wisdom, let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

Can anyone tell me why it is so hard to truly live these words??

The Larger Bowl (A Pantoum)By Rush

If we're so much the same like I always hearWhy such different fortunes And fates?Some of us live in a Cloud of fearSome live behind iron gates

Why such different fortunes and fates?Some are blessed and some are cursedSome live behind iron gatesWhile others only see the worst

Some are blessed and some are cursedThe golden one or scarred from birthWhile others only see the worstSuch a lot of pain on the Earth

The golden one or scarred from birthSomethings can never be changedSuch a lot of pain on this EarthIt's somehow so badly arranged

Somethings can never be changedSome reasons will never come clearIt's somehow so badly arrangedIf we're so much the same like I always hear

Some are blessed and some are cursedThe golden one or scarred from birthWhile others only see the worstSuch a lot of pain on the Earth

Monday, June 25, 2007

So, I called Dr. D's office this morning to let him know I got the Red Storm this morning...calling as per Liz's instructions (the nurse who I can never remember her name)...

...but, when I spoke to Lee (the nurse who's really up on things and the one I usually talk to), she said she was not sure if Dr. D would give me the go-ahead for meds/IUI this cycle - 1) because my consult and last exam was in November 2006 (which I knew), 2) she didn't see the clearance to TTC come through from Dr. S's office (I am sure it is there - their new "electronic record keeping" system is not always reliable) and 3) because I ovulated on my own this cycle, he may want to see if I do it again.

Damn it! This is not what I wanted.

I am waiting for Lee to call my back here at work after she talks to Dr. D.

I don't want to wait another cycle (or more) to get in to see him... No one said I needed to! I told them two months ago that once I was cleared, we wanted to move forward. No one said I might have to haul in for another consult/check-up. Why didn't anyone mention it then?

I really don't want to TTC on our own and pray that I ovulate again... I would love to think my body is going to do right by me again, but it has fooled me several times before, I don't really trust it.

I want this TTC cycle better controlled... I want to see us have a better chance at this.

Damn it.

I am trying to trust this will go right, but I am starting to worry and freak already... And, I really don't need this feeling of worry. I HAVE to stay off Lexapro and Xanex - if I can't, then I have to wait longer to TTC until I can.

Damn it.

...All I want is Clomid and the freakin IUI. Is it that much to ask for??? I have waited so long for this - and I am READY!

Will post an update when I hear back from his office.

Updated #1:

Lee called me back - Part of the hold-up is they do not have the clearance from Dr. S to TTC again (Ehhh???). She asked me to call over to Dr. S and get the clearance letter faxed over. Once Dr. D gets that, then he will decide what we will be doing. She didn't indicate either way if I would have to meet with him first and "sit" this cycle out medically...

I called Dr. S' office and the nurse there seems to remember having sent this over... (Ehhh??? Ehhh???) She said she would leave my file on the top of her chair and have her address this first then when she came in (which would be very soon). So, hopefully, she will send something over today. The nurse gave me an excited "Good luck!" when hanging up...so, it sounds like she will make sure this gets done today.

He has an interview going on right now for a great position at the same University I work for (just a different campus). We could REALLY use this job!! And, it is a great transition to get him out of actual attorney-ing.

Please think of him now as he goes through the interview. I am really, really praying he gets this!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Below is my special creation - uh, more than half eaten! (Sorry, I forgot to take the pic BEFORE we set it out for dessert!)

This is a very special cake - Sour Cherry Streusel Cake, made with fresh sour cherries from our cherry tree in the back yard! This is the very first edible creation ever made from this tree - Why? Because Hubby's grandmother was afraid to! (Don't ask...)

What better occasion to make this cake - had my parents and my IL's over for an impromptu dinner with the family (not really impromptu, really - we had to celebrate Father's Day again because my parents were busy for actual Father's Day), which consisted of grilled chicken and ribs, roasted Red Bliss potatoes seasoned with the Rosemary from my garden, and Lemon Dill steamed carrots with, you guessed it, dill from my garden.

So, the cake rounded off the theme of real "homemade" and was made with the sour cherries from our cherry tree.

And, yes, it really WAS yummy! So good, in fact, Chris ate two pieces!

Wish I could send you some, Mel.

Oh, and while we are talking about cakes... I forgot to post pics of the birthday cake I made for my godson Matthew's birthday party earlier in the month. Here they are:

I was told by a few of the parents there I should start a business creating children's birthday cakes... It was a fleeting thought - and then I realized I would have to create things for the parents like in that neighborhood, and that would take the fun out of making the cakes. So, there goes my idea of a side-business....

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Red Storm should be arriving either Sunday or Monday. At 12 DPO this morning, I am still getting BFN's using FMU. So, I am well aware now that my miracle ovulation didn't produce what I had hoped for. From past experience, I have always gotten a BFP by 12 DPO - so, I know this miracle cycle is a bust. I have no more HPT's left, and I am not buying any more at this point either. Why bother wasting the cash.

I have to move on to the "big guns" now.

I'll be honest - I am disappointed it didn't work this month. I was really hoping that one miracle (the ovulation out of nowhere) would produce another miracle. But, that hasn't happened. I feel cramps starting... I'm WAY moody... And, I had my first pre-period insomnia bought last night. All signs point to AF now. So, I gotta deal with that.

*** ETA: Ugh! I just came back from my 2 mile walk and I am spotting. CRAP! I am just hoping that the witch can wait at least until tomorrow to arrive so that I am at least on CD 3 on Monday when I call Dr. D's office. Dear body: Would you at least give Dr. D one day's warning of a new cycle??? ***

Why cry over spilled milk, right? This was the first cycle TTC after our long TTC break - and it was unofficial anyway. So, there is no point in wallowing over one disappointment. I do remember how it felt to go 18 months without ever seeing a BFP - I would be very hypocritical if I were to act like a baby and bitch about getting a BFN after once cycle. So, I am disappointed, not devastated.

At least I can be happy for the fact that my body figured out what it should be doing... That is a feat that cannot be ignored! I am thrilled with that. I can hope now that Clomid will move up my ovulation day a bit next cycle...from CD 19 to something earlier. We'll see.

I called Dr. D this morning to set up the Clomid/IUI cycle - but, I have to call back on Monday morning because he wasn't in today (my first thought was to call Monday anyway, so I guess I should have listened to myself on that one).

I just hope Dr. D agrees to start immediately this cycle - when I called up and spoke to the nurse (not my usual one, though - this other one doesn't seem to be as "up" on TTC things as Lee is), she wasn't sure if he would start immediately since my last TTC consult was in November 2006. She thought he may want to do another exam and consult first since it has been 6+ months from the last one. But, Dr. D and I had talked after that November TTC consult and agreed that 1) the protocol that we could be using would be up to me (I am agreeing to 2-3 Clomid cycles - starting with 100 mg - with IUI; then moving to injectables at the St. Barnabas IF clinic if these cycles don't work), 2) we can start TTC when I was off Lexapro (last pill is this weekend) and 3) we could start I my Hashi's was under control and I was cleared by Dr. S for TTC again (which I am now).

So, I will know on Monday what will be going on next cycle. If he wants to wait a cycle and haul us in for another TTC consult - which I really hope he doesn't - then, if I am lucky, my body will remember what it did this month and ovulate again (we will TTC on our own). If we are a go, the nurse indicated I would be doing Clomid on CD 4-8. I was hoping for CD 4-8 since that was when I took Clomid with my PG with Chris - not the CD 5-9 with my m/c's.

It's a Karma thing for me...

...but something I shouldn't obsess over either.

I hate being up in the air over the cycle crap. I would have liked a more definitive answer before going into the weekend. But, I am letting go of that for now...I have to, right? My counselor, I know, would be saying something on the order of "Why fret over something you can't change?" And, he would be right. I have spent a long time re-learning to trust in letting go and letting things happen in the right time (with a little push of fate when needed, of course). So, I will wait until Monday and see what the verdict is.

I meant to post that I went to the Ear-Nose-Throat doc on Wednesday to see why I keep getting so dizzy (since July 2006) when I get up to fast, or if I move the wrong way. Dr. Slim (I will call her that since her last name starts with a "D" as well, and she is WAY SKINNY!) was very nice - did her exam, had me do a hearing test and a balance test. The exam and balance test were okay - the hearing test was not. I have some low-tone hearing loss - which, with the balance issues, may indicate something called Meniere's Disease. Ménière's Disease is characterized by four symptoms:

Periodic episodes of rotatory vertigo or dizziness.

Fluctuating, progressive, low-frequency hearing loss

Tinnitus

A sensation of "fullness" or pressure in the ear.

I have all four symptoms - so, something I thought might be nothing and haven't made a big deal of may actually be something.

I have to go for some bloodwork for 68 KD (HSP-70) Ab antibodies - which makes this yet another autoimmune issue, in addition to the Hashi's... Thanks mom for your autoimmune issues! Makes me not want to have a girl someday to pass this crap on to! I have to read up more on this, go for the b/w, keep a journal of what I am eating and when I get episodes of dizziness (since it can be worsened by high-salt intake, which I really don't do anyway), and go for a follow-up appointment in a month to go over the b/w and have other tests run.

But, Dr. Slim assured me that there should be no issues with this and pregnancy. So, there is no reason to put off TTC with this. The dizziness may or may not get worse with pregnany, but it won't affect a pregnancy as far as viability. So, that is a good thing.

...But, again, I have to wait...

So, for now while I am waiting... Onto more important things!

1. I have to call around today to see if I can find the Mountain Laurel shrub I want for the front of our house:

I just LOVE this shrub - very unique flowers. We are hoping to get the front of the house finished this weekend with planting...then we put up the front fence and start the rose garden I want. So, I hope I can find this today.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Luckily for me, the University has an 0n-campus car-seat inspection/installation center that is open twice a week, ever week. It is run by the Campus Police - and is open to all Middlesex County residents and University employees/affiliates. I am sure they take others outside of these parameters too. It's great to have - I can stop over lunch and have Chris' seat inspected.

I have a 2004 Subaru Forester - my car-like SUV that has been great for hauling stuff around without being so huge, I can't drive it. I used to have Chris' car seat behind the driver's seat - easy access for me to him, and easier to get him in and out of the car. But, I had Chris' carseat re-installed in the center position over the winter because 1) I thought he would like the view better and 2) quite frankly, it is the safest position in the car. However, the change was not well received by Chris - actually, he rather dislikes it. And, it has become quite the challenge when trying to haul things like plants from the nursery, supplies from Lowes, etc. Hubby takes the seat out, "re-installs" it himself (and I use that term loosely), then Chris is riding unsafely. So, to make our lives easier, I had to take Chris' car seat over again today to have re-installed.

Our carseat is an over-achiever - it is the Britax Regent 5-point restraint carseat the holds up to 80 pounds. Since Chris is 47 pounds now at 3 years old - and was rather big at 2 years old when we bought the seat - we figured a carseat with a longer time with the 5-point restraint would be the best. We spent the $350+ dollars for this seat - and it is a champ:

The only downside to this seat is that, when I go over to the carseat inspection station, the techs go running! Literally.

The main tech, who has installed Chris' old seat and this one several times always kids me when I get there. He asks me if I am trying to force him into taking heavy anxiety meds. Unfortunately, he was not there today, so I got to harass techs I have never seen before with the carseat.

Muuhaahahahhhahahahha!

I arrived at the installation center around 3 pm - left around 3:45 pm. I didn't have to wait in line or anything - it just took them that long to install it.

Poor guys.

It took two techs - one of which is a University police officer and head carseat installation instructor for the center - to finally install it correctly. One of them was sitting in the seat in order to put enough pressure on it to lock in place. They certainly worked up a sweat - but were very gracious about the struggle to get my carseat over-achiever installed so there was no wiggle or looseness.

I told them that they probably won't see me until I need another seat installed - and I don't mean Chris'. Wishful thinking, no?

I am not sure how long Chris will really need this seat - he's 3 years old, 47 pounds and 40 inches tall. I am sure he would be okay to be in a standard booster seat. But, ya know, he is all I have right now - and, maybe it is over-protective of me, but I want him in that seat. I know he is not going to pull the belt off him while driving, he will stay put (God forbid) if there was a crash. The seat goes up to 80 pounds - I am sure he will be too tall for it before he reaches that weight.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

...Nothing really, except that knocked on of the side diamonds in my engagement ring out of the setting and can't find it (thank goodness it was NOT the main diamond - that was Hubby's greatgrandmothers and I would have had to move to Austrailia is I lost THAT one!)... I had to miss my counseling appointment yesterday because accidents blocked my path on the way there... I found one of the stray cats from my neighbor's house crapping in my garden yesterday when I finally got home from all of the traffic... And, the transition to the new work PC has, well, been less than smooth!

Crap...

Literally, cat crap.

Now, don't get me wrong... I don't hate cats. I actually kinda like them - if I wasn't allergic to them. I just hate my neighbor's strays (except for the little kittens...anyone know of anyone in NJ who wants a kitten?? They have three). So, I made Hubby set the cat trap so we can get the Animal Control officer in town to take the crapping cat and find it a home.

No wonder my Gerbera Daisies aren't flowering right now!

Anyways, nothing really going on other than that. I am testing much earlier than I probably should...so, of course, everything has been BFN after BFN. But, that's okay. I am going to an Ear-Nose-Throat doc today to see if my on-again/off-again dizzy spells are inner-ear related - so, while I am there, I am going to ask her to look down my throat because I still feel irritation from the Strep (and I have been done with the antibiotics since Monday).

Status quo for now... Maybe I will retest on Friday and see what happens.

Please do me a HUGE favor though.... Please put your prayers in action for Chris' Zia. She is about 1 DPO ahead of me and, God, would I love to hear that blissful scream come from a few towns over if she found out she was expecting!!!

Monday, June 18, 2007

I should be catching up on work today... I was out sick for two days, and I have A LOT to catch up on.

But, I am not.

Instead, I am on FF, looking at my own chart (what there is of it anyway), cruising through the March due dates threads that are starting. I am blog surfing. Reading. Commenting. Good practice, though, for the Comment-a-thon coming up (I am committed to 50 posts!).

Daydreaming...

Hoping...

Yeah, hoping... What's that??

Not working.

I feel terrible. The student I hired as a program assistant is working her fanny off, getting some things done for me that I have not had time to do at all here. She comes in with questions. Jobs done.

And, I am wasting time.

This whole "I ovulated on my own" thing has me in unchartered territory... Well, at least for me anyway. It is making me uneasy. Not angry. Not scared (well, maybe a little scared). Just, well, unsure of what is to come. I am not used to my body working like it should. I am used to winging it: Guessing when I might get a period. Dealing with weeks of PMS and biting Hubby's head off before a period shows. It's so strange for me to sit here and think I have had three cycles in four months. I am not used to it...and I am afraid of getting used to it, in case it stops.

In my wasting time session today, though, I just realized something: My FF "test date" is on June 27th - by second angel could have been one year old. How's that for irony. I'm okay with it, though. Really. Maybe it will bring this surprise cycle a little luck.

I am not going to wait that long to test, though. I don't have that luxury. I need to know as soon as possible so my endocrinologist can up the Levoxyl and give me the best possible shot at this working - if I get a positive, that is.

In some ways, I feel like such a "newbie" again. It feels good in a way...reminds me that, even though I have learned a lot through my experiences, I still don't know everything. It's humbling.

I better get my work groove on... I have a report to file that is overdue (not by my fault, thank goodness!) and grant money is riding on it!

Friday, June 15, 2007

I'm home again from work... Sick again. With what, you ask? We "think" strep throat, but since I actually never got swabbed for it, it is just speculation and I am on antibotics for it.

Please, let me back up and explain from the beginning...

I finally got over the sinus/double ear infections as chronicaled in Whish, whish... Ring, Ring... Took a while for the Levaquin to work, but it finally did and I was able to get back to walking, work, life, etc.

But, then, things started to go down-hill on Tuesday night. While putting Christopher to sleep, I fell sound asleep too. So asleep, there was no way in hell I was going to take my make-up off (I did manage to at least pry out my contacts, though). Of course, falling asleep like that is not uncommon these days because of the Hashi's...so I didn't really think of it, until...

I woke up Wednesday morning with a rip-roaring, raging sore throat. Could barely swallow. I couldn't see anything red in there, the pain was too low in the throat at that point.

Despite the pain and burning, I went in to work. I pulled the full day, but as the day progressed, I started to get achy, tired, feverish. By the time I was at my mother's house to pick Chris up, I wanted to just get home. Once we did, I made grilled chicken, rice and peas for dinner - I was lucky to get some peas and rice down my throat.

To try to head things off at the pass, especially since I had just finished antibiotics for the last adventure, I called Dr. McC's office and left a message explaining what was happening. I barely slept the entire night - every time I fell asleep, I woke up with my throat screaming and burning.

Thursday morning, I called out sick from work. My MIL came to pick up Chris to take him around the corner so I could get some rest. But, despite my best efforts to not breathe on him, Chris was already getting a fever.

Crap.

By 10 o'clock in the morning, I still hadn't heard from Dr. McC - and, Chris puked up the milk he had a little while before. His temp was way up, and he didn't puke up his breakfast, so I think the fever was what caused the puking. My MIL gave him motrin since tylenol didn't so a damned thing, and he was beginning to perk up within a half hour.

I decided to call Dr. McC again to see what he wanted to do...had to leave another message. Then, the follies began...

One of the nurses called back around 11 o'clock and said that, since I left in my message that I could potentially be pregnant, Dr. McC didn't want to treat anything without knowing. He wanted me to go for a beta. So, I tried to clarify with the nurse that I was only 4 DPO and that a beta test would absolutely come back negative right now - I wanted to let him know that I could potentially be PG and to give me something safe so if it turned out I was, I would begin to feel better without hurting anything. She put me on hold and explained to him what I said - he still insisted on the beta.

So, off I went to his office, half in a coma, to pick up the lab slip. It was CLEAR from the nurse on the phone that he wanted me to have the beta done at the lab down the street to do the test - they could not do it in his office. When I got there, I asked the nurse that, since I was there anyway, did he want to take a look at my throat - by 1 o'clock, my tonsils and eppiglotis was swollen, huge and scarlet red, and white spots were forming all over the place. NASTY!!!! She said no, he wanted the beta done.

I walked out with the slip, went to the lab, had the worthless beta drawn, and went home. Hour by hour, my throat was getting worse - I couldn't eat anything other than sherbet, and drinking was very difficult. I figured out this morning that I managed to lose about 3-4 pounds from the illness-induced diet). More phone called passed between me and Dr. McC's office staff - I was miserable, Chris puked a second time at my MIL's house (after his afternoon nap, when his fever spiked again - but, he kept his lunch down, only barfing the milk he drank a little while before), and I just couldn't help my son while he was sick.

Finally, around 4:30, I spoke to Dr. McC's office again (have I mentioned yet that I still HAD NOT talked to Dr. McC myself yet???) and asked could they call my ob/gyn and ask him what he would suggest? I couldn't keep going on like this.

Hubby called me around 5:15 to ask if Dr. McC's office had called back - I said no. So, he called Dr. D personally to ask him what to do. A few minutes later, Hubby called back and said to watch for a Dr. K to be calling - Dr. K is the head of the practice that shares space with Dr. D. He also had been listed several times in New York Magazine's Top Doctors list:

He called me around 5:45 and asked me what was happening - what my throat looked like (nothing short of a horror movie at this point), if I had been swabbed for strep yet, etc. I explained to him that Dr. McC was insisting on this beta, which I KNEW would come back negative right now since it just wasn't long enough past ovulation to show anything. I was miserable and could barely keep my head up, between lack of sleep and lack of eating.

He then asked me, quite jokingly if my GP refused to treat women for anything for two weeks out of every month just because they could be PG?? He said that if this was strep - which it certainly sounded like to him, but of course we could never be sure since the swab was never done - that it was WAY more important to treat it now than to let it go waiting for a beta that would not show positive yet. So, he asked for my pharmact number and called in a Z-pac for me immediately.

What a nice guy - it is no wonder now that Dr. D moved into the same office space with him.

I started the antibiotic last night. After I took my first pills, Dr. McC's office called again to ask me where I had the beta done. Uh, WTF question was that???? The girl said Hubby had called in between sometime and had thought it was done in his office. I told her, no, I was told to go to the lab and have it drawn - and, while we were at it, I told her I KNEW it was going to come back negative because impantation doesn't occur for 5-7 DPO, and it takes a little time for the HCG to show. But, she replied with this is what Dr. McC wanted. So, I responded that she might as well tell Dr. McC not to worry about it now - I had the Z-pac and I had already started it.

I am feeling slightly better, but not by much yet.

Of course, I finally get a call from Dr. McC himself at 8:15 this morning... He said the beta was negative (SHOCKING!) and that he would call in an antibiotic. So, I asked him if he got a message from the nurse last night. He said no, why? I proceeded to tell him I already had the Z-pac from my ob/gyn's office and that I didn't need it.

Uh, WHY, oh WHY didn't you SAY THAT at 11 am yesterday??? I could have had the freakin antibiotic hours before!!

Oi! I am beginning to wonder if I should look for a different GP practice.

So, I am not pregnant...at 4 DPO. Anyone surprised about that?

ETA: My strep and Chris' was confirmed on Saturday. Chris' pediatrican swabbed my throat after saying "EWWWWW!" when he looked at it. Chris is on antibiotics now (his first time!). I just finished mine. Let's hope we ALL stay healthy!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I have received a few comments here, on my BG's and in my e-mail about whether we DTD or not after my post on Saturday.

Yes, we did.

For the first time in a long time - really, since my only cycle that went "right" when I got PG with Christopher in August 2003 - I feel like things are lining up correctly. I feel like we made the right decisions at the right times for the right reasons. No regrets. No second guessing. No fear of the outcome (being pregnant/not pregnant, I mean. Fear of another m/c is still a right I think is owed to me).

I am speachless - and in awe.

Remember all of those questions I had about when I would learn to be patient? When I would learn to trust God's plan for me? When I would learn to let go of the control and trust things will be granted to us at the right time?

I think I am finding it...

...And, it only took me two years to get the message. What a dork.

I feel, first of all, that I have to craft an Ode to Levoxyl at some point. It seems that, since I started this med for the Hashi's in March, so many things have changed: Many symtoms are gone or lessened, like the major fatigue that has prevented me from staying awake past 9 pm for months, feeling like I had a fever all of the time, having a sore throat all of the time. My anxiety levels, even coming off Lexapro (today starts the alternating of 0 mg and 5 mg for two weeks - then I am off it), are not nearly as bad (then again, I have learned how to manage stress much, much better. The symptoms are still present on very high-stress days [of course, which sends me into a mini-panic until I can talk myself out of it], but are more manageable without meds.). I have gotten three visits from the Red Storm in four months - completely UNHEARD OF for me, except when on BPCs. I feel physically more like I used to prior to TTC #2 in July 2005, with the added bonus (so far, anyway) of being on a "regular schedule." And, let's not forget this wonderful, clear ovulation I just had! This was something I longed for in my entire infertile life - even if the cycle is a bust. I aways wanted to have just one cycle where I could hope that my body worked, and not have to be on meds to produce the ovulation. It is a wonderful feeling for me, for the first time in my almost 35 years on this planet, to finally feel what it is like to have my body do what it was supposed to do! I feel not as broken anymore...

...I just hope that, if this cycle is, in fact, a bust, that the next cycle will produce an earlier ovulation on Clomid.

There are some other, more "karma" things going on lately that seem to be falling into place:

blows out every time I try to light it now. This candle has been lit more times I could ever count: on terraversaries, during my yoga sessions, when others needed prayers, just when I needed to light it. Now, even though there is still wax and a wick visable at the bottom (about an inch or so), it blows out the second I light it. Of course, the candle could be blowing out because there is not enough oxygen available to burn at the bottom of such a tall, glass-encased candle (science is a wonderful thing, isn't it?). But, could I have used up the prayers this candle had to offer? I feel like I should make the donation to St. Lucy's for a new one, and hold onto this one.

Christopher keeps mentioning he wants a baby brother. From time to time, we talk about wanting to have another child with him and how his angel siblings watch over us - not that he really understands it, but since Angelina is here now, it was a good time to introduce him to the idea of another baby in our house. Whenever the topic comes up, he always mentions wanting a baby brother, not a baby sister. And, he is emphatic about it. He was so, so empathetic towards me when I was going through the last two miscarriages, sometimes I wonder if he knows more than I do. I do believe that good spirits live in our house (those of Hubby's great-grandfather and great-grandmother) - maybe there are more around than we first thought, and they communicate with Chris? He seems to have a special intuition too...

My butterflies are back on my walks. Back in September, I posted Why do Butterflies follow me? They are always playing in the same patterns: One playing alone, two playing together, and three playing together. Hubby is seeing a woman who does hypnosis and alternative therapies, in addition to seeing the new counselor (who is really helping him!). He had mentioned to her last week about my experiences with the butterflies, and she feels they are sending me a message - one that I know, but needs reinforcing. She believes in these messages, and feels I need to listen. She indicated to Hubby that she would like to talk to me about it - she knows someone with similar experiences and messages. I have not opened up that line of communication yet, though.

I just cannot shake the idea that June was the RIGHT month to start TTC - regardless of the outcome of this cycle. A strong, clear ovulation - one that I never really had unless on meds except for the one time in August 2004 after Chris was born (and resulted in my very first m/c - but, even that ovulation wasn't as strong as this one) - was given to us as a gift, a miracle. It was SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO YOUR BODY strong (CM, OPK's, physical symptoms and strong ovulation pains matching perfectly). Maybe this Miracles bracelet I wear every day is really doing something? This ovulation was given to us right in line with my intuition about June - an intuition that is as strong as it was when I second-guessed my decision to TTC in my September 2005 cycle (I just knew something was going to be wrong with that cycle, yet my impatient self went on with it and my second m/c resulted from that decision). How could we not take advantage of that gift?

Hubby and I felt such a connection this past weekend - like the one we had when we first met, the one we had when we married, the one we had when Chris was conceived, the one we had when Chris was born. That connection - that deep bond, that sense of things being right and perfect - just wasn't there in the two years since we started TTC #2. (This is not to saw our marriage was strained to the point of breaking apart - although, I guess it was strained a bit as I tried to sort through my feelings after my miscarriages. What I am talking here about is the overwhelming sense of things feeling " just right.") We looked at each other and just knew it was right to try, despite our conversation earlier that day about using birth control. We lived in that moment. We cried together, like we did when Chris came into the world. It was special, simply put.

There are more "karma" things going on, I just can't remember them all at the moment (plus, I really need to get some work done here... Oi! Talk about playing hookie!). Strange how a "plan" comes together...

...and it feels right.

Of course, I am nervous about what is to come... I would be lying if I said otherwise. Specifically, if we get a BFP out of this, will I miscarry again? But, even knowing that miscarriage will always be a possibility for me, I am not stressing about the outcome as I have in the past with TTC #2. I have worked hard to start treatment for my medical issues, I am eating well, excerising regularly, living happy. In a way, I feel somewhat "blissfully ignorant" about this cycle - despite knowing I need to start testing as early as possible so that if I do end up pregnant, my Levoxyl doseage can be upped immediately for the best chances of a pregnancy being successful. I feel like my emotions and the science behind TTC are balanced again. I haven't felt like that since TTC Christopher.

So, for now, I am going to just enjoy life and not worry about this until next week. If I start to worry, then my world has the potential to fall like a house of cards. And, I have worked too hard through therapy, meds and self-exploration to allow that to happen again!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

So many of us blog about not being able to have children, whether it be because of infertility issues, miscarriage or a combination of the two... whether it be our first child or seventh we are trying to conceive...

Well, how ironic is this story for all of us, which I saw on Good Morning America before heading into work this morning:

Apparently, Japan is facing a rapidly aging and now shrinking population - the number of elderly citizens is surpassing the number of children being born. This is mainly attributed to the rising costs of raising their young (well, hell, we have that too!) and career goals/lifestyle of child-bearing-aged women.

The Japanese government and many private industries are beginning to make parenthood a "lucrative" proposition...paying a few hundred dollars to the couple who has one child, and upwards of $40,000 for five or more children!

Hell, with that kind of cash, I could take almost a full year off of work!

But, what is the United States doing wrong??? There are so many of us who desperately want a child, and we are fighting like hell for someone to cover it. I am in a very small minority with my infertility coverage: My employers pay for by health benefits 100% (not only for me, but for Hubby and for Chris), and that coverage has extensive IF coverage (six medicated IUI's per successful pregnancy, 4 IVF cycles lifetime, managed-care high-risk pregnancy programs). The chances of me having to mortgage my life to have a child are few - and I am forever grateful for that.

But, imagine living in a country where they would PAY for the infertility treatments?!?! I think there would be a huge wave of US immigrants to Japan for coverage like that!

And, let's not also forget to mention the benefits Japanese companies are adding on AFTER the child is born: free on-site daycare (emphasis on the free here), longer maternity leave, in addition to the money they are paying to have the child in the first place.

Again, I am lucky because my mom and MIL watch Chris while I am at work, so I don't have to worry about who is caring for my child and how much it will cost - but, yet again, I am in the minority here.

Oh, I was also able to take three months maternity leave on full pay because the policy here is you have to use all of your sick time before going on disability - and I had three months worth of sick days to blow through. But, next time I need to take maternity leave (how optomistic is that statement!), I won't be so lucky - I don't have 5+ years worth of sick time accrued now.

It is sad that these women (and men, since it does take two to tango) don't want children - but, I do have to give them credit for being honest about their decision and not having children just because society says so. I think their honesty in that decision could have a positive affect on the youth in the long run...

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

So, I am down to 5 mg Lexapro solid right now...and I start coming off completely next Tuesday.

...Except, I am now starting to get physical glimpses of how the anxiety affected me all of 2006... I am getting that sore throat, that achy feeling all over my body, the stomach tightening, the racing heart. It is not as bad as it was...

....But, I am not happy about it, as you can well imagine.

I am determined to NOT let anxiety win this time. Damn it, I worked too hard to heal. I worked too hard to accept my life as it is. I have worked too hard to get to a comfortable place with TTC again.

Damn it, Anxiety! I will NOT let you win this time!

Come hell or high water, I will be off Lexapro. I will get to TTC again. I want this now more than ever. I deserve another chance, even if it doesn't work out in the end. I am finally ready to try again, and I want my chance!

I bought my OPK's (the 20-strip Answer package, just to see if I might be ovulating on my own for a change) and HPT's (just for the hell of it...although those I will hoard until the actual TTC cycle). I faxed over the go-ahead to Dr. D last week. I am emotionally ready...