Quotes from ‘The Night Shift’

As Jake struggles with his first case back at the precinct, he encounters Jess Day, who is visiting New York, and enlists her to help him find his suspect. Meanwhile, Holt researches ways to increase office morale and Amy tries to figure out why Rosa keeps taking such long breaks.

Sergeant Jeffords: Should I just go tell everyone to buck up and do their jobs?Captain Holt: No, the squad's only on night shift because they came down to Florida to save Jake and me. It's my responsibility to fix this, so I'm going to brighten the mood by telling a few jokes. Try this one on for size: I don't care for cheese.I'm a curd-mudgeon.
[silence]
Wow. You're too tired for humor.

Jake: Nuh-uh, I'm not gonna let the night shift win. Me and my main man Boyle are about to solve a case. Isn't that right, Charles?Charles: Oh, you know we will. We'll call ourselves the Night Boys.Jake: Kind of sounds like a male escort service.Charles: The Midnight Men.Jake: Even worse.Charles: The Dark Stallions.Jake: Looks like we're going with the Night Boys.Charles: Whoo!

Charles: Now we just gotta pull his files from records.Jake: Yep, then we bust him, and we'll be done with plenty of time before Nikolaj wakes up.Charles: [correcting] Nikolaj.Jake: Hm? Nikolaj, yeah, I said it.Charles: Nikolaj.Jake: Nikolaj.Charles: Not even close. Nikolaj.Jake: Nikolaj.Charles: Almost. Nikolaj.Jake: Nikolaj. I feel like I'm saying it.

Captain Holt: I don't think that's good party convo. Uh, maybe we should just name our favorite sailing knot. I'll start. The bowline. How about some tunes? [upbeat Sousa march]Rosa: Cool, merry-go-round music.Captain Holt: Yeah, John Phillips Sousa, the Skrillex of his day. C'mon, people, hit the dance floor. Have a good time. Why is no one having a good time? I specifically requested it.

Charles: Oh, my God, this is a dream come true. I gotta get my phone I gotta film this. Oh, but then I'll miss it. Oh, but I want it forever. Agh, but I should stay in the moment. Ah, but then I'll forget. Oh, my God, this is a nightmare.

Charles: Did you find Smith?Jake: No, uh, he actually got away.Charles: Sorry, man.Jake: Ah, it's all right. It's the day shift's problem now.Charles: Whatever happened to working until it's done?Jake: Honestly, Lohank kind of talked some sense into me.Charles: Lohank?Jake: Yeah, it was so gross.

Jake: But I want to apologize.Charles: For what?Jake: Well, I kept talking about how I wanted everything to go back to normal, but if that actually happened, this little guy wouldn't be here. Or is he big? I don't know what size kids are supposed to be, or anything about kids, really.
I think maybe that's part of the problem. It doesn't matter. I got a present for Nikolaj.

Jake: So what's this secret meeting all about? You guys know I'm not medically cleared for another week.Gina: It's not a secret meeting, Jake. It's an intervention.Rosa: The tips have to go.Jake: What? Why?Gina: Jake, we're worried about you, and you look very stupid.

Jake: Wait, wait, okay, okay, okay. Stop, stop, stop, stop. I'll admit it. I went too deep down there in Florida. At one point, I think I forgot where the tip of me ended, and the base of the tips began. Before we just chop 'em off, would anybody like to say some final words?Rosa: No.Jake: That was one word. That counts. Thank you, Rosa. Okay, I'm ready.

Jake: Brace yourselves 'cause Jake-y is back. [mimics a train whistle] Don't everybody mob me at once. We can high-five one at a time. Oh, I see no response. A little "welcome back to the precinct" hazing. Who's behind this cute little prank? Diaz?Rosa: Kill yourself.Jake: Okay.Amy: I told you. Night shift has everyone a little down.

Gina: I personally like the night shift. You know who else is up right now?Jake: Murderers? Armed robbers?Gina: [Australian accent] Australians. It's an whole new demographic for me to conquer. [normal voice] I already have the third most followers behind Iggy Azalea and the Perth Zoo Wallaby cam.Jake: Wow, that's pretty good.Gina: It's not just good, Jake. [Australian accent] It's bonzer.

Charles: [on the phone] If he isn't taking his medicine, you could mix it in with his food.Jake: [hanging up the phone with his walking stick] Sorry, you can deal with your sick dog later, Boyle.Charles: Well, actually, that was about my son, Nikolaj. He's got allergies. I think we may have to go with a nasal douche.Jake: Ah, nasal douche. Cool, cool, cool, cool. Very gross.

Jake: But I won't be fully back until I've solved a case, just like old times.
And I can't do that without my partner.Detective Lohank: Pfft, you're not solving any cases on the night shift.Jake: Lohank? Oh, my God, you look-
Detecitve Lohank: Beautiful?Jake: I was gonna say "less sad."Detective Lohank: Ever since I moved to the day shift, I'm happier, healthier, my stepson gave me my debit card back.Jake: Lohank is happy and confident? Everything's off. [gasps] Oh, no. We're in the Upside Down.

Amy: At least we're getting to spend quality time together.Rosa: Totally. I'll be back in 40 minutes.Amy: What? Where are you going? We have to finish this by morning.Rosa: Yeah, I know. I just have something important I have to do.Amy: What?Rosa: I have to get ... some pens.Amy: Then why are you putting your jacket on?Rosa: Pen store's a block away.Amy: The nearest pen store is seven blocks away, and it doesn't open until 9:00 a.m. I learned that the hard way.

Amy: You really think you can lie to me?Rosa: No.Amy: A-ha! You're lying to me right now. You do think you can lie to me.Rosa: Yep.Amy: Wait. Hang on. Was that a lie?Rosa: I don't know, maybe. All right, see ya.

Charles: Yes, okay, I'm Jacques Guillaume, and you are Henri Renault. We are cat burglars on vacation from France.Jake: I love it although Henri went to an elite international school, so he does not speak with an accent.Charles: Wow, nice, way to flesh out the characters.

Jake: Thank you, okay, so I break the back window, make my way over to the jewelry case. Meanwhile, you're standing lookout by the front door-Charles: [French accent] Oui, oui.Jake: Smoking a cigarette. Check it: Ash.Charles: [French accent] Ooh la la. Okay, so I am smoking.Jake: What are you doing?Charles: Oh, Jacques rolls his own cigarettes, a habit he picked up from a prostitute in Marseille, but that is not all he picked up.Jake: Why do all your characters get STDs?Charles: [normal voice] Because they're living life!

Jake: All right, so I go to the first case smash steal a bunch of watches.Move over to the second case smash bracelets. But then, we hear a sound-Charles: And I yell, "Les gendarmes! Ils sont ici!"Jake: And I know what that means because I'm French, but I ask you to repeat it in English, just to be sure.Charles: Police are here.Jake: Yes!

Jake: Yes, we gotta get outta here, so we turn to leave, you flick your cigarette. Using the cane, using the cane, this is awesome. [gasps] Voila! Zee butt.Charles: I thought Henri didn't have an accent.Jake: It comes out when he gets excited.

Jake: Great news, everyone. We just got our first lead on our first case on my first night back, proving once and for all that absolutely nothing has changed.
[Jake trips over the gate outside the bullpen]Charles: Yeah, this opens in instead of out now. They switched it a month ago.Jake: Yeah, so the door changed, sure, but that's it.

Jake: Well, we have got ourselves a case and a key piece of evidence. We should be wrapping this thing up in no time.Charles: As long as we do it before sunup. As soon as the shift is over, I kind of have to get home.Jake: But we're gonna work until it's done, right? I mean, that's how we do it.Charles: Yeah, I just like to be home as soon as Nikolaj wakes up so I can make him breakfast.Jake: Sure, yeah, not a problem we'll be home by sunup. Just like a couple of sexy "Twilight" vampires. [as Dracula] I am Robert Pattinson. I vant to turn into a bat. [normal voice] I've never seen the movies.Charles: No, me neither they're an insult to the books.Jake: Okay.

Amy: Oh, welcome back from your third massive break of the night.Rosa: Thanks.Amy: I was being sarcastic. Where do you keep going?Rosa: Not saying.Amy: Tell me, Diaz.Rosa: Nope.Amy: Come on, tell me.Rosa: Not talking about it.Amy: Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me-Rosa: Fine. I was in the bathroom. I'm having stomach problems.Amy: Oh, okay. Yeah. Sorry.Rosa: It's real bad.Amy: No, that's all right.Rosa: You should've been there.Amy: I don't have to hear it.Rosa: It was like a massacre.Amy: No, you can- Please stop.Rosa: Multiple flush.Amy: Please stop.

Captain Holt: Attention, squad. Everyone, gather 'round. I've been researching ways to raise morale, and I found an interesting article in a scientific journal.Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, was it from "The American Journal of No One Cares"?

Captain Holt: According to a recent study, the physical act of smiling can improve your mood. I suggest we give it a shot. Eh? Now you all try. Big smiles, bigger, bigger! Great, now we just have to stay like this for the next two hours. Can you feel it working?

Scully: I don't have any enamel on my teeth, so the cold air is excruciating.Sergeant Jeffords: Maybe if you brushed your teeth once in a while, this wouldn't be a problem.Scully: I do brush my teeth. They're decaying from acid reflux. You're embarrassing yourself.

Jake: Hello, hi, please, file now, hurry.Dylan: Sorry, dude. I don't know how to get onto this system I'm a temp.Jake: May I? Great, let me just get over- Oh, good lord, that is porn.Dylan: Oh, is that not allowed?Jake: It is not. No problem, we just close these tabs. [incessant clicking] You've got a lot of them.

Charles: I really want to go, Jake, but I'm here alone with Nikolaj. Genevieve doesn't get back for three hours.Jake: So let's just take him with us. Nah, that's crazy - or is it just crazy enough to work? Just crazy.

Jake: Ah, man, it stinks you've gotta watch him it's really messing everything up. I mean, that came out wrong. I love that you have a son it's not messing everything up. Just messing up our ability to solve the case and have fun. Ah, you know what I mean. I'm a nice guy, I'm in the right. I'll just go myself.
Bye, Nikolaj.Nikolaj: [correcting] Nikolaj.Jake: Yeah, whatever. See ya.

Captain Holt: I know your shift is over, and you've had a challenging night, but I think I've found a new way to raise morale. Follow me to the briefing room.Rosa: What's all this?Captain Holt: It's an after-work hang. Just trying to turn up, as it were.

Captain Holt: Enough. I tried to make this fun. I even learned what Skrillex was. Sorry you're all miserable, but guess what. So am I. I'm exhausted all the time, I never see my husband, the late-night NPR programming - pure garbage. I'm done trying. We can all be miserable together. Just go home.

Amy: Hey, I saw you earlier. You weren't in the bathroom. You were on a park bench playing on your phone. Yeah, you left me to do everything while I thought you were pooping. I wish you were pooping. I wish to God.

Rosa: We put away Figgis three weeks ago. Pimento should've been back by now. We had plans to meet on that park bench once the coast was clear, but he hasn't shown up.Amy: Maybe he's deep undercover, or he doesn't remember who he is, or maybe he's dead.Rosa: Wow, thanks. You're right, my fiance's a total weirdo who's probably dead. I'll just give up on him and go do my paperwork.

Jake: I'm a cop can you please get out of the car?Jess: No, this Schmidt's mom's car, and I'm more scared of her than I am of some two-bit thug.Jake: I'm not a thug, I'm police.Jess: Okay, then name one law.Jake: Don't kill people.Jess: That's on me I set the bar too low.

Jake: Look, can you please just get out?Jess: Okay, you can drive, but I'm not getting out.Jake: Right.Jess: Also, I have the seat warmer on I don't just have a really hot butt.Jake: Doesn't matter to me a perp is getting away. Oh, it's very hot.

Jess: I can't believe this is happening. Thanks a lot, New York. You know what, if your city's so great, then how come it's not the state capital? What who cares about the state's capital?Jake: This is the concrete jungle where dreams are made of. That doesn't sound right where dreams are made of?Jess: I don't know you tell me. It's your dumb city.Jake: It's grammatically odd. Whatever, I'm sure wherever you're from has strange songs written about it, too.Jess: Los Angeles?Jake: Damn it, all the songs there are so good.

Jess: Hey, watch my soup.Jake: I'm chasing a criminal. Your soup is not important.Jess: You took an oath to serve and protect. That applies to my soup.Jake: You know that's not what the oath is about. You're making a point you don't even believe in.Jess: Garbage truck! [both screaming] [tires screeching and glass breaking]Jake: Oh. Damn it! He got away.Jess: Well, I spilled my soup. You tell me which is worse.Jake: My thing. Very clearly my thing.

Sergeant Jeffords: It's a beginning-of-work hang.Captain Holt: And why are you all in such good moods?Amy: Because you told us that you're miserable, too. And that means you'll fight to get us off the night shift, right?Captain Holt: Well, here's what I have to say about that: The night shift stinks. Stinks like a butt. And I will do everything in my power to make sure we get back to the day shift. What are we standing around for? Put some Sousa on already. I want to get wild.

Detective Lohank: Did you solve your case yet?Jake: No.Detective Lohank: Night shift, am I right? You remind me of me.Jake: It's not the night shift, okay? I found the perp, and I would've taken him down, but I'm hobbled, and I didn't have a partner because ever since Boyle had a son, that's all he can focus on.Detective Lohank: Whoa, hey, are you angry at Boyle for having a kid?Jake: No, I'm just mad because I'm working the night shift, and I have to use a cane, and, yes, the one thing I could always count on no matter what Boyle being there for me is also gone.Detective Lohank: What do you say we let day shift Lohank take a crack at this? I'm gonna put a little something up in the old hopper. You tell me if it vibes with you.Jake: That's so gross.Detective Lohank: Life moves forwards, not backwards, and things will never be as they were. And you can be angry about that, or you can embrace the fact that your best friend now has a son. How cool is that, amigo?Jake: Ugh, "amigo." All right, fine, yes, I'll admit it, it is pretty cool. Boyle's wanted it for a very long time. I guess I haven't actually spent that much time with Nikolaj yet.Detective Lohank: [correcting] Nikolaj.Jake: Man, am I seriously about to take emotional advice from Lohank?Detective Lohank: You know you want to, compadre. Go to him.

Amy: Hey, I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said that about Pimento. I'm sure he's gonna come back.Rosa: I'm not even thinking about it anymore. That wasn't even me crying in the bathroom earlier that was someone else with these same boots, but now she's gone.

Amy: Look, when Jake was in witness protection, and I didn't know when he was ever coming back, you were always there when I needed to vent. So I'll do your paperwork, and if you ever want company on that bench, I'm there.Rosa: Thanks. I would advise against it though if he does come back, things are gonna get real raunchy, real fast, like, do a lot of licking, that's probably indecent exposure- I don't want to get-Amy: Okay, got it. You know what I'll just start with this stack right here. Thanks, Rosa, okay, good talk.