Tuesday, September 28, 2004

The White-Hot Fury of Hell

“Oh, is that like a cold sore?” she says. “I get those all the time and they are sooo ugly. Oh my gah-id. I have to put on a ton of make-up to cover them up.”

No, peanut, they aren’t like cold sores. They are like strolling through the 84th level of hell with a rock in your shoe.

Canker sores are white-hot, pea-sized blisters inside my lip that, when irritated by, say, eating or breathing, send a pain through my mouth, up my face and down my neck that feels a little like I’m extinguishing a five-alarm fire with my head. When I peel back my lip to see the source of my agony, I swear I can see the devil in my mouth (so you know, Satan looks like Dick Cheney with bedhead) and he’s laughing his ass off, poking his pitchfork into my canker sore with the gusto of a four-year-old in the cereal aisle. (Note to self: dump that Halliburton stock pronto.)

I would give up iced venti decaf soy lattes to be afflicted by cold sores instead of canker sores. I would. I don’t care how they look. Give me the Michael Jordan of cold sores, one that looks like a Buick in the middle of my forehead. It would beat having an open wound inside my mouth. And the next person who tells me cold sores and canker sores are “basically the same” is getting kicked in the nards. This means you, Dick Cheney, you fucker.

Here’s the worst part: science can invent a cling wrap that bonds to Tupperwear like Super Glue but it can’t invent something to make my canker sores feel less like the Abu-Ghraib treatment. There are some over-the-counter ointments available, but no. They are messy. They are sophomoric. And the end result of using them is either a sticky, congealed mess that welds my lips together or a numbed tongue (“I thoughth you thaid thith thtuff was suppotha help!”)

In the coming weeks, I’ll be organizing the Daniel R. Evans Walk for Canker Sores. That will ramp up as soon as my little yellow bracelets emblazoned with my slogan “Yes I Can-ker” drop (they’re on back order).

9 Comments:

i once had a canker sore way in the back of my mouth, right by my tongue. when i ate, drinked, talked, moved my head, even took a breath it hurts like hell. and theres nothin you can do about it.or you can sprinkle some coke on it and it'll go numb for a bit.or not.

I am totally on board with this assessment of canker sores. Canker sores suck more than getting kicked in the 'nads, which has happened to me more times than I'd like to share. I think the pain -- especially when you bite them or otherwise prod them when they are at their most Mount St. Helens-y -- is probably on the level of childbirth, or getting bamboo shoved up one's fingernails, or the sound of hearing the voice of that woman who played The Nanny. And cold sores are for sissies! They are embarrassing, sure, but they don't hurt. Canker sores aren't embarrassing but they hurt like an abusive mother whipping her fool-boy of a son. No contest.

...'k, I can see that reading you while sipping my coffee is not the best thing for the various electronic equip. that resides in the vicinity of my desk. "Yes, I Can-Ker." I nearly spit my coffee back out with a laugh. :) Yeah, I get the very, very occasional canker sore & I do agree with your opinion of them 100%.

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If anyone says canker sores "aren't that bad", to some, they are. Mine are so painful that i cant sleep. They also make my lymph nodes swell and give me fevers. And YES they ARE canker sores. Not teeny, tiny white dotts; but huge, dime-sized, craters of agony that make my whole jaw ache. My doctor will prescribe Vicodin, prednisone, and antibiotics when they get bad enough. I get cnker sores weekly, but they only get this bad ever few months. I have to call into work and once had to be hospitalized for a collection of 5 that caused a blood infection. Perhaps my experience is in the minority, believe me, I know it sounds ludicrous. (Try explaining to your boss that you have canker sores that can hospitalize you.) but I promise, some people's bodies CAN and DO have canker sores that cause them complete and total agony. If yours dont, consider yourself fortunate.

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Here are actual questions you asked the presidential candidates when they appeared on your show. To Bush: 'Were y'all spankers?" To Kerry: "Did you ever spank the girls?" To Bush: "Did you spank them?" To Kerry: "What did she do to get spanked?" Hey, Dr. Phil, keep it in your pleated pants. [GQ Magazine, Dec. 2004, pg. 372]