I was in my finance class the other day and one of the financial advisers said that she only has a select few clients that she worries about. She said it is like Murphy’s Law something always happens to them. This happened a few days ago and I cannot seem to let it go.

My life is not going the way that I want it. Things that could have gone wrong have. But that cannot be forever. My life cannot be like Newtons Cradle and just go wrong all the time.

There has to be an opposite to Murphy’s Law. What can go right will go right. I need to change my frequency and get that to be the law of my life. I know it is possible. I just need a force strong enough to drastically change the direction of my energy.

I need to make a drastic change in my life in order for this shift to happen. Just like Newtons Cradle there has to be an outside force (change) in order for the momentum to stop. Newtons Law is: things in motion tend to stay in motion.

I need a change. I need a big one. My momentum is not on the right wave length. I need to figure this out! How do I stop this Murphy’s Law pendulum swing?

This budgeting class may help. But I need to make a drastic change. Getting a second job may help. Maybe. Work out in the mornings?

I NEED A BIG PUSH. NO I need something to stop my momentum and redirect it.

What though?

I feel it needs to be more than a baby step?

I feel it needs to be a drastic change in my life?

I already live at home. I have a job that pays well and am considering another one. I love my boyfriend so he has to stay. I work out 5 days a week. I am taking a budgeting class. What else needs to change? What else can I do to change my tides?

WHAT?

Any advice is greatly appreciated. Maybe we can figure this out together.

Do you ever have those days were you just scream “why me!”? Do you ever just get so angry at who ever you believe is responsible, and say “if you are all powerful why would you do this? Why would we have wars? Why would you allow this to happen?”

Well I hope to ask the big boss that someday, but for now, you just have to believe that it is happening for a reason. I know I know easier said than done. Trust me I am not here to say it is easy. I f***ing sucks. Take my life for example: my debt has increased substantially in the past two years. So much so that I believe the stress of money is causing my medical problems. Ever since we went to Buffalo we have been in a downward spiral. When we moved back we were so excited to get started on saving and fixing everything that went wrong. Only to find that it was about to get worse.

When are are living in the worst it is hard to see any way out. You are angry and wonder what you ever did to deserve this. Well a week after my little pity party, me and my boyfriend start a financial peace class. The teacher talks a lot about relationships with money and how money effects our personal relationships. 80% of divorce is because of money issues. Now if we didn’t go through what we did in Buffalo, and what we are going through now, we would have never gone through this class. We would have been 40 years old, divorced, and in the 80% statistic. This class is helping us better communicate about money and in turn helping us grow. Is it worth all the pain… I will let you know when I am 40.

Stuff happens. You cannot plan for all of it. You can however, learn how to properly deal with it. For us in our life money is our #1 stresser. Yes we have medical stuff happening but guess what, we cant control that. I cannot control my hearing. I cannot control how strong my dogs ACLs are. I cannot control the lumps growing in my body. BUT I can save and prepare to take care of them though.

I am in troubled water but my enemies are sinking. I am learning how to sail my ship. I am learning how to adjust my sails to get me to where I want to go.

We all have days where we want to give up, when the clouds come in, when the lemons keep coming. Well, yesterday was one of those days. I cried, and cried hard. I kept sobbing “I am so sick of these f***ing lemons!” I cried before and after my workout in my car, for a good half hour. I know what it is like to give up and I know it is not easier, though at the time it always feels like it. I had to keep reminding myself of this. I had to keep reminding myself that it can always be worse. I had to keep reminding myself that I have a plan in place. I had to keep telling myself that I am strong enough. It was a continuous battle.

These lemons are just distractions that keep us from moving forward. Even when I feel like giving up (like yesterday), I told myself to just cry for a bit, take a moment to feel this. Lets face it, life sucks. It really sucks. It is OK to feel sorry for yourself. It is OK to have pity party, because you know what, no one else is going to feel bad for you! Cry it out! Yell! Scream! Growl! Just be sure to pick up some salt and tequila when you are done.

Put your big kid pants on, take a seat, and do some shots (figure of speech). We cannot control everything in life but we can control how we react to it. Crying is normal, it is an act of strength. But we cannot stay at your pity party. We HAVE to move forward.

I get it. Trust me. It is not easy. I cannot change my hearing. It is not getting better. It is effecting EVERYTHING in my life. I cannot even get laser hair removal (TMI), that I have wanted for a long time, because of the meds that are supposedly supposed to give me my hearing back. It is effecting my relationships with my friends because I am too suborn to ask them to repeat things more than twice. It is effecting my job because I cannot hear in the conference room. It is effecting my ability to make friends at the gym (my only social interaction) because I cannot wear my hearing aids at the gym. It is effecting my relationship with my hunny because I am angry all the time. So I try to not be angry and that stresses me out, creating more anxiety. To top it off I have other medical problems, along with two other surgeries for my pup!

Trust, me I get it.

I have my fair share of Lemons, and I am sick of F***ing lemonade. But I have my little pity party, cry it out, then I put on my big kid pants. I grab some tequila and salt and say Bring IT!

In light of the New Year, I want to talk about resolutions. Not the same old ” I am going to loose weight”, “I am going save money”, resolutions. I am talking about the life changing resolutions. The HOLY SHIT resolutions.

Life sucks. It is hard. None of us come out alive. So why do we go through ever year saying ” I will start Monday” or “Maybe next year”. If I have learned anything this year it is that tomorrow is not promised.

Do it all today.

When my boyfriend asked me what my resolution was for this year I told him that I want to do more things that scare me. When I got my motorcycle license in 2010 I was terrified. Everyone told me I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t coordinated enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I did it though. I have my licence and it was the most liberating experience of my life so far. I want more of these moments. I want more of these smiles. I want more of this confidence. It was contagious. It was exhilarating. It was the best high of my life.

We are responsible for all of our life choices, and because of those choices we are where we are. I am not where I want to be because I have not taken any risks. I have not made any scary choices. I have not jumped off the deep end and tried something that scared me so much that I may just have to grow from it. I have played it safe.

I have learned that I am afraid. I am afraid of getting sick (like cancer sick), I am afraid of not making the right choice, I am afraid of what people will think of me. And I make my choices based on these feelings. These feelings of fear and uncertainty. I look back on last year. All the suffering, all the medical bills, all the unknowns, all the debt. I see nothing but fear and disappointment. I dont want to look back next year, hell I dont want to look back at tomorrow and feel this way.

I am not going to make any more broken promises to myself. If I want it, I need to go after it. I am going to do things that scare me. Guess what? I am going to survive them with flying colors, just like I have survived the fear and sorrow. The difference is…. I am going to be better for it. I am going to smile, I am going to laugh, I am going to thrive.

The other day I was majorly judging my co worker. She is beautiful, has a HUGE rock on her finger, she works at one of our luxury buildings (so her job is much easier), her husband makes a ton of money, her cloths are top of the line, and she is nice. I was drooling over her with envy. We were all in a meeting trying to decided on a date for something, when she mentioned that she had an MS meeting on one of the dates we picked. MS as in Multiple Scleroses. She has MS.

I believe I wrote about this in a previous post but every time I see her I now look at her differently. I dont judge her, I dont feel sorry for her (in a petty way), I look at how wonderfully she is handling this challenge. She is always smiling and positive. She is so strong.

Another friend of mine who is absolutely stunning, has the best smile, so nice you almost want to punch her to see if she could ever get mad, has a sexy husband, and two beautiful baby boys. I have known her since college and have always been jealous of her. Two weeks before Christmas this year, her husband was in a fatal car accident. She is now a widow with two tiny children. I used to envy her, now I cant even imagine the pain she is in. But I too now look at her differently. I dont judge her, but I realize how strong and amazing she really is. Through all this pain she still shines, she still smiles, she still moves forward.

These two people who I envied and compared my life too both have major issues and disappointments in their life. Just like me. This really opened my eyes to the FACT that everyone has problems. Never judge someone by how they act or look, there is always something going on that we know nothing about.

The only person you should compare yourself too is who you were yesterday. Then take steps to become something better. Each day gaining momentum to become your best self.

This is not easy. I am an athlete, it is natural for me to compete with others. In all honesty I have found it is harder to compete with yourself. However, it is much more satisfying. For example, yesterday I had a great day at work, I worked out, then I ate at Chick-fil-A. Not the best choice of places to eat. But when comparing the me of yesterday to the me of today… that is an easy thing to fix. It is easier to measure your successes and failures when you are comparing you to you. The skinny girl eating a tub of ice cream may have just broken up with her boyfriend. Dont hate on her because you think she can eat what ever and stay skinny. The girl with the big diamond ring may have worked hard her whole life and decided to buy Continue reading “Today Vs. Yesterday”

“Stress is caused by being here but wanting to be there, or being in the present but wanting to be in the future. It is the split that tears you apart inside.” – Eckhart Tolle

Last night I sat down and realized how stressed I really was. I just got done with a killer work out and should have been relaxed and wiped out, but all I could feel was the tension in my neck and shoulders and the anxiety building in my throat. There was no reason for my body to be reacting this way. I worked out, I ate well, my job is not hard, I don’t have to pay rent, I have a loving boyfriend at home for me. Nothing major to be freaking out about.

When I got home I had to sit down and really think to get my self to calm down. Just then I realized (or decided to acknowledge) that I have been living my life worrying about the future. I believe this is #1 reason I am so stressed out. I want to buy a home, but don’t have the money. I want to get married, but I am afraid to make the wrong choice. I want to retire someday, but my job now does not offer 401K. I want my hearing to come back, but that may not happen. I want this bump on my arm taken off, but that cost money I don’t have. I want to get my dog his surgery, but that also cost money. All these things are in the future and I cannot do anything about them today.

Our bodies have a funny way of telling us when to just shut up and listen.

I ran across this quote about not mastering all of your life in just one day late last night. And I came to the realization (or decided to acknowledge) that I only have control of what is in front of me right now. I need to work on mastering today first. Once today is mastered, things may start falling into place. I then made a list of all the things I have been stressing about and what I have done to get them fixed.

I have been talking with a lender about buying a home (home buying is a lengthy process).

I am in love with my boyfriend that is all I need right now.

I am saving money by staying with my mom, that helps with saving for retirement.

Called the Vet regarding a possible payment plan for my pups surgery.

I made a Dr. appointment for my arm, that is step one in getting a cost for my surgery.

I am on meds for me hearing, and praying for a miracle.

WHAT MORE CAN I DO

I need to keep remembering this. I have done all I can do. I am in the process of getting these things done. I have a plan. Lets now focus on today. I keep looking at the big picture and I am missing all the fine little details. Its like going to Florence Italy and forgetting to go to see the Statue of David. Yes you have been there but did you see all its glory. I am here today yes, but am I living in all its glory.

Let me start with what my ideal Christmas weekend would be. Sitting at home in my pajamas, drinking hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps, playing games (or watching Christmas movies) with the people I love most. But most holidays involve running around to every family members party, trying to give them enough of my time before having to go to the next one. (Spoiler alert – this is a depressing post)

My sister came home this Christmas (today) and announced that she is pregnant. They have had a hard time getting pregnant so this is amazing news. I am so happy for them. They will be the buzz of the holiday party. Though I am immensely happy for them, I cannot help to feel jealous.

I have always been jealous of my sister. She has her masters, she has a great job, her husband owns the family business, they were given a home, they never have to worry about money, my family loves my brother in law, and now she is pregnant. I am also jealous of my brother he is an engineer and has a great job, makes a good living, has great friends, has a beautiful girl friend who he will probably marry, and he has a great brand new apartment home. Both are younger than me and doing very well.

Then there is me. I have my degree that I dont use, I have a boyfriend that no one likes, I am 30 years old and live with my mom, I have a job that took me back because my last adventure didn’t work, and I am angry.

I hate the holidays because I am surrounded by everything I dont have. Every house I go to I have to defend to my family why I am not as successful as my siblings. I have to slap a smile on my face and talk positively about the lessons I have learned and how I am going to succeed. I have to listen to my siblings talk about how wonderful everything is and how well they are doing. Everyone ask about my siblings and how they are doing, when will my sister get pregnant, and when my brother will get married. No one asks me when I am getting married. No one asks me about my job. No one asks me about my life because they know I dont have a good one. Why should I have to be at these functions. I know what people are going to say. I know how they make me feel. I am already getting anxiety about it.

I want to be successful. I want to love a man that my whole family loves. I want my family to ask me how I am doing and have a killer answer. I want to have something to say that will wow them. I want to stop being angry at my life. I want to have something positive to say. I am the oldest. I should have all those things that my siblings have… but I dont, and I am upset about it.