ButterflyPageshttps://butterflypages.wordpress.com
Emerging from the chrysalisTue, 17 Oct 2017 21:34:08 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.com/https://secure.gravatar.com/blavatar/2d77292abdba94283a4dceb497e2a495?s=96&d=https%3A%2F%2Fs2.wp.com%2Fi%2Fbuttonw-com.pngButterflyPageshttps://butterflypages.wordpress.com
Flashbackshttps://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/12/22/flashbacks/
https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/12/22/flashbacks/#respondTue, 22 Dec 2015 23:49:03 +0000http://butterflypages.wordpress.com/?p=1390More Flashbacks]]>I am in the thick of updating my Scandal Fanfic, “Back to Us.” This will be my next one to finish after “An Education.” I am enjoying writing the flashbacks. It really expands the story, imagining the past events that led Fitz and Liv to where they are now. It’s akin to dismantling a completed puzzle and putting it back together again. I am also using this device in “Down for the Count.”

Do readers like flashbacks?

]]>https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/12/22/flashbacks/feed/0butterflypagesJobhttps://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/10/14/job/
https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/10/14/job/#respondWed, 14 Oct 2015 09:04:45 +0000http://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/10/14/job/]]>Quitting is not an option. I like getting paid.

So I grin and bear it.

Become the fake it

To you make it queen.

Get a Ph.D. In Pretendology!

I’m alone at school.

No one is by teacher boo.

I’m alone in the trenches

Thirsty

Bursty…is that a word?

Bursty with my complaining.

]]>https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/10/14/job/feed/0butterflypagesIt’s He-eer!https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/08/03/its-he-eer/
https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/08/03/its-he-eer/#respondMon, 03 Aug 2015 21:18:40 +0000http://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/08/03/its-he-eer/More It’s He-eer!]]>The signs are there. I’m quiet. I smile less. I have no appetite. I walk in circles. I write and rewrite “to do” lists. What are these sign posts pointing to? I’m stressed…before day one of the new school year.

I wasn’t like this before Preplanning started. My classroom was practically done. I was intending mostly to direct my attention to lesson planning. Now after the first day of Preplanning, I realize I made wrong assumptions. I thought we would be alloted money for supplies this week. Alas, that is not the case. Now I have to take my long list to the store and fork out more money. That’s not the biggest stressor. There is no big stressor other than myself trying to account for everything instead of allowing it to flow.

This is me griping when I should be letting it roll down my back. I should be living by my quote of the year: “For success, attitude is as important as ability.”

I’m thankful my room is mostly done. How grateful am I to be doing something I delight in. I’m a natural problem solver so I’ll make do with what I’m able to afford and wait for the other to come. This will be the best year yet! I’m prepared to give 150% to my 4th graders and they will give me 200% back!

]]>https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/08/03/its-he-eer/feed/0butterflypagesMoment to Momenthttps://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/18/moment-to-moment/
https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/18/moment-to-moment/#respondSun, 19 Jul 2015 02:21:50 +0000http://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/18/moment-to-moment/More Moment to Moment]]>If I had to draw my July, it would be a funnel cloud, wide at the top narrowing into a small hole. Next week will be full of orientation meetings and the final push to finish setting up my classroom before we leave for vacation. When we return, preplanning begins.

Thankfully, my room is nearly done thanks to the work I’ve accomplished thus far. My husband’s help has been invaluable. My daughter has helped as well. Little bites is how I have tried to tackle it all, hoping to stay balanced. I’ll have to ride that wave into the school year: Balance..

]]>https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/18/moment-to-moment/feed/0butterflypagesDiary of a Disconnected Black Girlhttps://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/11/diary-of-a-disconnected-black-girl/
https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/11/diary-of-a-disconnected-black-girl/#respondSat, 11 Jul 2015 22:15:56 +0000http://butterflypages.wordpress.com/?p=1338More Diary of a Disconnected Black Girl]]>Fana is disconnected. She has few friends. It seems she only writes in her diary when things are going wrong. Could a month hiatus from journal writing mean she has connected with someone?

May 2, 2015

I miss college. There, I wrote it. I didn’t know I missed it until I logged on to stupid Facebook and saw Melanie’s pictures. There she was in New York with Kira, Diana, Euphoria and Marcus hamming it up in all the usual tourist places–Times Square, FAO Schwartz, some random subway, and in front of a flashing Broadway show sign–that screamed, ”I’m living an epic life with my fabulous friends.” Was I in any of the pictures? No of course not. Those were my college friends, the operative word being, ”college”. I can’t help that those friendships were not as ”ride or die” as I thought they were.

After graduation, we had pledged to keep in touch. It was easier for them since they all got jobs within a doable driving distance of each other, New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia. I ,on the other hand, had moved back to Atlanta and gotten a teaching job at home. I tried to stay in touch with them, constantly texting, sending direct messages, and reaching out on our shared social media sites. I visited them more often than they visited me. When I got really busy that first year of teaching and couldn’t extend the effort, they just forgot about me.

Why hadn’t I seen this in college? Was I always a 6th wheel? Maybe I was. Chalk it up to being an only child. In my exuberance for interaction with other kids my age, I often come on too strong, taking the initiative in well…everything when it comes to friendships. In high school, I had friends, but they only lasted as long as whatever brought us together…Student Council, Yearbook Staff, Band…whatever I was involved in.

So I miss college. Perhaps my friendships were superficial or tailored made by me. But they were existent. Maybe I don’t miss college as much as I miss having friends.

Arrggh! I stopped and reread what I wrote above and it reads, ’mildly depressed feel sorry for myselfish.’ I’ll stop writing now. I’ve been out of college for almost two years. Get over it, Fana.

May 8, 2015

Fourteen days of school left and the last day cannot come too soon. Most of my 5th graders don’t want to do any work. They are done. Finished. After two grueling weeks of bubbling in multiple choice tests while sitting quietly, they want to break loose. I can’t say I blame them.

Full disclosure. I say I’m ready for summer, but I’m really not ready. After getting used to not getting up at the butt crack of dawn, not having a mound of work to do that grows unaided, I’ll be bored fast. People think Atlanta is a black mecca, the black promised land where you’ll find instant connections with all kinds of black folks. That may be true for some, but not for me. I could make more of an effort. I do sometimes. I joined several MeetUp groups: Singles in Teaching, SistasRead, MyBlackNaturalisBeautful, and BlackProfessionalsConnecting. These efforts were crushed by my talent for creating reasons I shouldn’t go to this or that event. When I couldn’t come up with a reason, a phone call to my mom would do the trick. ”Fana, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Do you know these people? These groups are probably fronts for sex trafficking….” I’d let my dear murder mystery obsessed mother scare me into staying home.

So…aside from three professional development conferences this summer and my trip to Dallas, TX with my Mom for the family reunion, my summer plans are pretty much wake up, walk my dog, watch court shows, read, try not to surf social media (makes me sad), masturbate, nap, visit my mom, return home, bed, repeat. I might throw in a movie here or there.

Maybe I’ll sign up to teach summer school. Easy money.

May 20, 2015

I went to church with my mom yesterday. I really had a great time. I didn’t think I would since I hadn’t been in about 6 months. I knew everyone would shame me on the down low. ”It’s so good to see you, Fana. You are teaching in this state aren’t you?” or ”Fana, you aren’t a CE Chrisitian are you? We are open aside from Christmas and Easter, dear.” I don’t have anything against church. I consider myself a Christian. It’s just that I feel so disconnected at church. My mom encouraged me to join the Singles Ministry, teach in Children’s Church, or sing in the choir, but I don’t, just won’t. I was so overwhelmed with school that first year. I always found a reason to stay home when I first moved back.

I wish I was more like my mom. After my dad died, when I was 3, she poured everything she had into me. She was a postal worker for 25 years until she retired last year. She had a ”guy friend,” Sam, who helped us out, driving us to and fro until my mother bought a reliable car, picking me up from after care…just helping us. I never thought Sam and my mom were more than friends. He never stayed the night. Nothing more than a platonic hug passed between them. But I got the gist of their relationship, that it was a relationship, when they broke up. I overheard part of their argument. ”I’ve waited too damn long and followed all your damn rules! Fana will be graduating from high school! I’m tired of waiting and pretending!” he’d said. I didn’t hear my mother’s response, but after that day, Sam didn’t come around anymore. I was sad at the thought I had something to do with their break up. I tried to talk to my mom about Sam, but she changed the subject, saying it was her business.

My mom is mysterious that way. Now she is dating Brother Thomas Knight from church. I reason because I’m a grown woman now, she feels free to do what she wants. My mom has a lot of friends too, friends from high school, friends from work, friends from church, friends from her salon…she never meets a stranger. I don’t understand it. My mom is not much of a talker either, but she wins friends and influences people. Why the hell didn’t that rub off on me??? I am the opposite of mysterious. When I meet someone new, I launch into a monologue about myself as if I have to get it all out. To my credit, I don’t do that much anymore as I rarely meet new people.

Arggh! I’ve reread this entry and it sucks. When I die, people reading this will think I was pathetic. If I died, who would come to my funeral? My mom for sure and extended family. The extended family will come to support my mom so they don’t count. My principal would come and possibly some of the teachers on my grade level. They like me because I’m helpful. I always volunteer to do the grunt work. Would Melanie, Kira, Diana, Marcus, or Euphoria come? Probably not. They’ll be too busy on a college friends cruise or something. Would Bernard come? He still lives in Atlanta. I know because of Facebook. Probably not. Considering we only dated for a year in high school.

Another Sunday at church. Yippee… No erase the snark. I had a good time…again. Maybe God is spreading some good blessings my way. I have a date tomorrow night!

It’s not a date so much as an outing with colleagues from school. My math coach, Karen is hosting a party to celebrate her new job promotion to an Assistant Principal and she invited me. ”Come on, Fana, some interesting guys will be there. My sister is in charge of the guest list. She knows the coolest people,” she had said.

I accepted without reservation. I really like Karen. She has always been very helpful to me, especially that first year when I felt like I was barely treading water. When I would doubt my pedagogical ability she would encourage me with compliments and general positivity.

Good news, finally! I have a genuine event to go to and on Memorial Day. I’m killing two birds with one stone.

June 30, 2015

I’m mad at myself. I’ve had the most thrilling month and none of it…not one word of it is in my diary. Is my diary only for the depressing moments in my life? I guess so. It shouldn’t be.

Going to Karen’s party changed my life. I met the most amazing person there and we are dating! Her name is Flora. I am giddy so giddy that I can hardly contain myself. That the one I’m dating is a,”she” and that her name is Flora…Fana and Flora?! She is beautiful, a Kearran Giovanni look alike from Major Crimes. She says I look like Gina Ravera from The Closer only with natural hair. We’ve had our share of Detective Amy Sykes meets Detective Irene Daniels role plays.

I’m totally in love with Flora, but no one knows but her friends. Considering my lack of real friends and that I was, until a month ago, heterosexual who can I share this with? My mother has met Flora, but she thinks we are just friends. I feel the need to start a new journal. I need to record my joys. Flora is a joy.

Author’s Note: Trying to get my creative juices flowing to begin a new work in progress.

]]>https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/11/diary-of-a-disconnected-black-girl/feed/0butterflypagesOne Fanfic finished…https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/02/one-fanfic-finished/
https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/02/one-fanfic-finished/#respondThu, 02 Jul 2015 23:00:48 +0000http://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/02/one-fanfic-finished/More One Fanfic finished…]]>I finished An Education, one of my on again off again fanfics. It topped out at 43 chapters. I’ve only finished one other one, Going in Circles. It was my first one. When I walk away from them, a reader here or there reminds me how the story is important to them which makes me return. Hopefully I’ll finish more of them. ]]>https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/02/one-fanfic-finished/feed/0butterflypagesThe Next Leg of Summerhttps://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/02/the-next-leg-of-summer/
https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/02/the-next-leg-of-summer/#respondThu, 02 Jul 2015 22:51:47 +0000http://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/02/the-next-leg-of-summer/More The Next Leg of Summer]]>July ushered in the last day of summer school. The bittersweetness was palatable. I enjoyed working with my other two teacher colaboraters as well as the Assistant Principals. Also, this marks the end of my tenure at that school. Oh I’ll miss being a tiger! Lastly, I’ll miss my kiddos. They all made gains in that short time, barely a blip in the grand educational scheme. Only one passed both posttests. Another one passed just one. Two came really close. The rest didn’t do well. I gave my recommendations to the parents. My hope is that the kids will be motivated to get excited about learning, though I know having help from parents is priceless.

We ended the day by finishing a novel we were reading and playing a robust game of Life. Wow! The game packed an educational punch. I’ll say!

Money begins the preparation. I have about 2 weeks to get my classroom set up before we leave for vacation. One we return. Summer will be done. This next leg is coming…

]]>https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/07/02/the-next-leg-of-summer/feed/0butterflypagesThe Comfort of Mysteryhttps://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/06/27/the-comfort-of-mystery/
https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/06/27/the-comfort-of-mystery/#respondSat, 27 Jun 2015 21:37:09 +0000http://butterflypages.wordpress.com/?p=1326More The Comfort of Mystery]]>It all began with the television program Unsolved Mysteries. My mom watched it religiously when I was a child. I didn’t like the show at the time. Truthfully, the scary theme music and Robert Stack’s ominous voice made me cringe. Over the years, I found myself beginning to enjoy these types of “docucrimemystery” shows. Next came City Confidential. By then, I was actively watching these types of shows in all their varieties.

I have my favorites. My DVR is usually full of episodes of Dateline on OWN, Dateline, Disappeared, 48 Hours on ID, 48 Hours, and 20/20. The ID Channel has a plethora these types of shows, but I avoid the lot of them. They can be overdramatized like over blown telenovelas. I prefer a mix of documentary with pictures of the real people peppered by commentary by the surrounding community.

Given the gruesome contents, I often wonder why I became drawn to these shows. What do I like about them?

There’s the build up…

During this time, all is right and normal with the world. The impending victim is going about their normal routine. I am pulled in by the storytelling of this section. The music in the show is pleasant and peaceful.

Then comes the act…

Someone disappears. Someone is killed. This is the act without which the story would not be on this episode. It’s the climax. Interestingly, this is not the most important part of the narrative to me.

Next comes the uncovering…

The victim’s loved ones along with law enforcement work to find the perpetrators, known or unknown and piece together the events of the crime.

Lastly, there is the resolution…

The search for justice for the victim is the key to this section. There are arrests, convictions, and courtroom drama.

Each one with little variation follows this framework. I continue to watch.

]]>https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/06/27/the-comfort-of-mystery/feed/0butterflypagesOn Prior Preparationhttps://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/06/24/on-prior-preparation/
https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/06/24/on-prior-preparation/#commentsThu, 25 Jun 2015 02:42:29 +0000http://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/06/24/on-prior-preparation/More On Prior Preparation]]>My first teaching job was a “hit the ground running” experience. It was October, two months after the year had begun. The school had a population boon in 4th grade and needed to add a class. Enter eager beaver me.

I hadn’t been sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. I had just finished a long term substitute teacher assignment, and had just started a new one. My teaching life was a constant reordering. After accepting the job, I was elated. Finally my own class. After 4 days of setting up my classroom, the job began. So too, began my abuse of my body. I rarely ate. I stayed up to the wee hours of the night, sometimes not going to sleep all in the service of preparing myself for the next day, week, month etc. Let me not forget that I stayed at school long after the last bell rang. By January, I felt better prepared, but I still burned the candle at both ends.

It took a couple of years for me to find a permanent teaching assignment. I accepted a couple more part year assignments before taking a break and becoming a substitute last year. Now finally I have accepted a teaching contract months before the new school year. I’m relishing all this time I have for prior preparation!

I’ve learned a great deal in my part year assignments. I must commit to balance and self-care if I want to continue teaching. I’m no longer a work martyr.

I’ve learned that I don’t have to spend inordinate hours planning. I know the standards. I have a framework, class routines, and a vast array of resources. Because I change plans based on observations of students and how well (or not) they understand, meticulously writing everything down to the detail is not an efficient use of time.

This summer as I begin planning, I’m not aiming to plan the whole year like I once dreamed. I’m teaching summer school, reading, and organizing.

]]>https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/06/24/on-prior-preparation/feed/2butterflypagesEndings…Beginningshttps://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/06/23/endings-beginnings/
https://butterflypages.wordpress.com/2015/06/23/endings-beginnings/#respondWed, 24 Jun 2015 02:22:08 +0000http://butterflypages.wordpress.com/?p=1316More Endings…Beginnings]]>Five days remain in summer school. I made a point of creating a learning community, complete with class jobs, workshops rotations, projects, and coaching on academic content and social skills that won’t be tested on the end of summer school assessment.

All of my students are below grade level in reading and math. Two of them could move to meeting standards if we had more time. Based on what I have learned in working with these two, I wonder how they fell through the cracks. Did they not receive small group instrution in 3rd grade? Did they receive no parental help? The answers don’t matter much now. I know they’ll show some growth. I could bring most of them to proficiency with more time. It’s just that these two are further along.

With such a short instructional window, I’ve had to teach everything at once, making connections between the concepts in hopes it will click. Most of their deficits are in math. They are not fact fluent nor do they have a good grasp of base ten. I’ve seen growth in these areas since the beginning, yippee! That’s encouraging. Hopefully, their teacher for next year will put remedial programs in place in the coming school year. As I see the end in sight, I am thankful for this opportunity to work with this small group of amazing students.

Looking forward to my permanent teaching assignment in the fall, I plan to take what I’ve learned with me. Inevitably, I’ll have students who, like my students now, are below grade level. I’ll be the teacher implementing the remediation.

Last evening, my moving elves (hubby & daughter) and I made the trip to my new school to move in. We arrived almost an hour before the scheduled twilight move in time. Others had the same idea. From 8 until 11:30 pm, we moved furniture around and began decorating until a first draft of my room design took shape.