I rolled out of bed this morning. I had to roll because I had eaten an entire large pizza last night and DID NOT purge. I had an emotional upset (EU) – involving a man – what’s new? So in all my wisdom at midnight I had pizza sent to my hotel room after eating a whole bag of trail mix. I wolfed it down and then decided that I would be just as fat today whether I purged or not.

I am terrified of the damage I have done. I am terrified of my lapse in habit. I always, always purge.

So now that I have confessed my sins, I am on penance (liquid fasting) for the next two days to make up for it. I am disgusted with myself and by the fat freak staring back at me in the mirror. I don’t recognize her. I refuse to be her.

I landed on the coast an hour ago. It is raining and the clouds are hanging ominously low over the mountains, obscuring them. I am here for work for four days. I arrive ravenous from a binge/purge session last night. There is a basket of fruit in my room when I check in and I make my way through a banana, grapes, an apple and a peach. I find some hummus and cherry tomatoes in my bag and eat those too.

I want to dial room service and order a few plates of food but I try to resist for now. My room is stocked with fruit, vegan protein powder and a few other unfortunate things (mentos and a chocolate bar from the fruit basket), which I try to avoid. I put a pot of coffee on to brew and curl up in the chair by the window and stare out and the grey drudgery. Surprisingly, the wet weather seems to match my mood. At least when it is cold and wet I can hide my bulk under a few extra layers.

I think back to a conversation in the airport when I arrived and met some of the other faculty that will be in attendance for the week. They introduce themselves and their disciplines: “Stephanie. Jazz.” “Sam. Tap.” “Marnie. Modern.”

I introduce myself and my discipline – ballet. “Oh, we were looking around the airport to see who looked like a ballerina.” I smile weakly.

I don’t look like a ballerina. I never have. I never even came close to it despite the depths of hell ED has taken me too. I feel like I will be a disappointment to them but, in reality, I am mostly just a disappointment to myself.

I saw an article on this book, but I am yet to read it. It seems to me like it would cover the EDNOS category into which most of us with ED symptoms are corralled because we don’t fit the criteria for anorexia or bulimia. The interesting thing to note is that sufferers are at just as high a risk as full blown ED sufferers but it is more easily disguised.

I have been ‘feeling’ fat for about 2 months now, since I lost the will to starve and over exercise and returned to ‘healthy’ eating (orthorexia) with a side of bulimia thrown in. My doctor also halved my thyroid medication which I suspect is not helping and might actually be contributing to my weight gain. Tonight I came home after ballet and went on a good binge…..chips, cheese, bread, cream puffs and carrot cake. It has been 5 days since my last binge/purge session which is a record for me lately.

All was well until I stood up and ripped my pants. Imagine my horror when the thigh just split open and my fat came pouring out. Needless to say, I am on my way to ‘bath’ (which is code for purging) and to pay penance for my sins of ripping my (fat) pants which are incidentally a whopping size 4. I have been tired of gaining lately and living with the heaviness that comes from being heavier than I can cope with. Tomorrow I am back in starvation mode without a shadow of a doubt that it is the right thing to do. I took a photo of my ripped pants as my newest thinspiration. Let it haunt me until I am thin again.

Nothing changes. The numbers on the scale will not go down. I restrict during the day. I binge and purge at night. I rinse and repeat the next day. I barely exercise thanks to a fracture in my foot. I have lost most of my motivation to starve unconditionally but I hate how fat I am. My doctor lowers my thyroid medication and I gain weight almost instantly. I cannot bear it.

I come home on a rainy, Thursday night after ballet and I binge. I make guacamole and eat it with a box of crackers. I eat peanut butter on rice cakes. I demolish a tub of chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. I lie on the couch waiting to explode.

I have to go and purge. Part of me wonders why I bother. I will be just as fat tomorrow.