Football stars punished after being caught running naked with Oreos between their butt cheeks

December 6th 2018

Feature by Thomas Lethbridge

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We’ve all done things at college that we can’t fully explain. I, for instance, spent my 19th birthday drinking a three-litre cauldron filled with cheap cider, vodka, energy drink and mouthwash. I couldn’t tell you why I did this, or why I would ever have thought this was a good idea, but drink it I did. Some mysteries man was never meant to answer. Similarly, a story has emerged from a midwestern high school that is just as baffling as the most elaborate murder mystery and more head scratching than an episode of Twin Peaks. In fact, the Twin Peaks connection may be even more relevant given the context of the story.

It has been reported this week that a group of footballers from Byron High School, Illinois, have been suspended from their team after they were discovered to have conducted a bizarre ritual involving Oreos and their bottoms. It is alleged that around 30 members of the star-studded squad conducted a naked run across the football field, with one of the famous milk cookies wedged betwixt their cheeks. Youthful misjudgements may have hit rock bottom.

The Rockford Register Star, who have been all over the story since it first broke, report that the school “conducted interviews with nearly 30 varsity players and all the coaches and a review of dark security video footage.” This extensive investigation concluded that participation in the event was entirely voluntary and not, as was originally suspected, part of a “hazing” ritual.

Many sporting institutions across the country have come under intense scrutiny as details of debauched and sometimes dangerous initiation ceremonies have been made public. As such, senior leadership at Byron were keen to establish exactly what had taken place. But, as school superintendent Buster Barton said to the Rockford Register Star, “We take any allegations like this very seriously, and we have a system in place to address it, but this had nothing to do with hazing.”

However, this didn’t stop the school from sending out a stern message to the players in question. 10 students have been banned for three matches, just as the team embarks on a crucial run of games, for “indecent exposure”. In a letter sent to the parents of those involved, the school wrote to that all parties had “admitted to running across the football field, without [their] clothes, while carrying an Oreo between [their] buttocks”. Talk about making an arse of yourself.

Credit: Pixabay/Wikimages

There can be little doubt that the business of bottoms and cookies is not something that midwesterners take lightly. Volunteer assistant Sean Considine expressed his satisfaction with the school's rigid approach to discipline, commenting, “It was dealt with using an iron fist, and I will stand by all of it.” Whatever your view on the activity, it’s clear that authorities will no longer such bare-faced cheek from students. Footballers: you have been warned. Fannying about is no longer acceptable at Byron High School.