Sunday, March 1, 2009

Dead Animals are Better than Giant Beanbags

That last post reminded me that animal carcasses are nature's leather recliners. Before they start to stink and ooze maggots, slaughtered mammals also make terrific booster seats. Fisher-Price eat your heart out because that fourteen-point elk pictured above doubles as play-set and stuffed animal and will soon be rustic, living-room decor and possibly a years-worth of jerky.

Freshly killed bear-skin rugs are both romantic and manly. Vroom-Vrooooom! A buck or an imaginary Harley?

Clearly, cadavers have much to offer.

Pros: Dead animals are firm but forgiving and their thick pelts provide a warm, comfortable cushion.

Animals can be found and killed everywhere in the world except former nuclear test sites and toxic waste dumps. If only I had driven a few mph faster on numerous moonlit roads, I could have a collection of white-tailed deer to sit on as I waited for AAA to tow my busted car.

Instead of dining on Steak Tartare in a cramped booth at some overpriced French bistro, just dig your Bowie knife into your elk-sofa's flank and extract a tender wedge of deer-flesh. Bon apetit.

You'll look like a total man's man.

Cons: Sitting on antlers may violate Christian doctrine.

After a few hours, you will have to contend with hyenas and vultures if you hope to maintain your spot on a lion's back. However, if you successfully kill them you will have your very own sectional couch.

Without a pick-up truck and a few weight-lifting friends, your new seat is stationary.

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Lest you're pursuing a PETA fanatic, killing and then sitting on an animal will surely make your crush think of you as badass champion in the ultimate test of Man vs. Wild. Unless you use an automatic weapon. Or a tree stand. Or a helicopter. Then you just look like a pussy.