I've been to the PDSA with Tizzie a few times recently about her ongoing ear problem which they seem to have a dedicated worse. I was supposed to take her for a post op check on Thursday but I don't have any money for the train fare so have had to postpone that appointment for 8 days until I receive some money. Oh how I miss having a car. Walking Tizzie to and from the train station this side of the journey and the vet's side of the journey leaves me in agony despite patches and oramorph, so much so that I cry.

Still, moving on from Tizzie, I took the opportunity to ask the PDSA the costs of the affordable care they're offering pets number 2 and 3, and the people on a wider range of benefits. It's £28 to walk into the consulting room, then costs of all treatment on top which will have labour charges added to any treatment costs. Bearing in mind the train fare, it would be just as out of reach financially to go to my nearest private vet and would cost a similar amount. What one person calls affordable, another knows it isn't. Mimi had a wapping tick and that area is grey and she's losing hair and it's stabbed even though the tick has gone. All I can do is bathe it in feline antiseptic I bought from Amazon and I really hate the fact that if she were no become ill I could no longer have her cared for by a vet. At the moment she seems okay in herself so I'm hoping the bathing alone with suffice.

I think if the PDSA change rules they should change them for newly registered pets only, not ones already on their register. I'm still really upset about it.

I've been trying hard to find a new home for my cats since I came home from hospital having decided while in there it was necessary for them and for me. I'd wanted to source a home myself so that I could know where they're going, that they'd stay together as they're siblings from the same litter, and possibly hear about them from time to time after they go so I know they've settled well and are happy. There are two 'friends of online acquaintances' that are considering having them but both were only vaguely considering getting one cat and are now mulling over having two having heard of them needing homes. I'm worried someone might take them on and find two too much so for one or both of them it might not be a forever home.

I spoke to someone at the Blue Cross today and am reassured by the conversation. They do both pre and post adoption checks so they'd see the cats settled in their new home plus if they were rehomed via the Blue Cross they'd be adopted by someone who is setting out to take on two cats so in my opinion it would be more likely to be a forever home. So for the cats sake I'm now feeling they'd be better off being rehomed through the Blue Cross rather than through me. Though it will be harder emotionally for me as it will be a closed adoption and I'd have no idea where they'd go or how they are etc. It would be a tough goodbye. But definitely better for them.

I would definately let an official charity rehome the cats because anyone rehoming them from there will be the sort of person who is willing to go through the checking process and sign paperwork ect.

Also the charity will chip the cats and so there will be a record of the cats being under the care of the charity and if the cats are found as lost then the charity will look into what the new owners were doing about it.

I have seen cats on the www.cats.org website being rehomed together and am sure it happens with other national charities. Some people online trawl adverts for free cats take on the cat then resell it.

My cats are already chipped so the Blue Cross would just get the petlog company to register those chip details with them and/or the new owner. I was going to wait until the end of January before resorting to a charity but feeling it might be the right way, may ask them to take them in the new year. A friend who is the chaplain at the psych hospital I was in recently came round this evening and was reminding me how worried sick I was when I was admitted and the AMHP only found one cat and had no time to find the other. Fortunately he was retrieved on day 4 by an acquaintance and transported to the cattery to join his sister but without that acquaintance finding him, he'd have been feral for 25 days while I was locked up. With the recurrent nature of my diagnosis it really is best for them and for me. It's been such a hard decision though. I know it's a defence mechanism but having made the decision, just want it over with. I feel guilty every time I see or interact with one of them, knowing what I know.

Yesterday was a very hard day. The 2 cats were collected by their new owner. From first thing in the morning the boy was distressed by the locked and barricaded cat flap and being locked in. The lady came and we had a cuppa while I passed on information about them and the female cat was all over her demanding strokes and love and attention. When it was time for them to go we couldn't find the boy anywhere. I eventually found him under the sofa in a space I'd never have believed he would fit. He was in a state of shock and he was unresponsive when I took him out from under there and I placed him in his carrier. I was incredibly worried about him and I was up set all day.

But since they arrived at their new home the tables have turned. They both ate tea and drank milk then the nervous girl scooted upstairs where she remained all day. The boy settled immediately and was upside down on his new owners knee loving having his tummy tickled. He's a soppy baby. So I feel much happier about him having heard how well he's settled. I will be happier still when I hear the girl feels secure enough in her new surroundings to come downstairs for the constant cuddles she demands.

It was emotionally exhausting for me, I woke at midnight after a couple of hours sleep Saturday night knowing they were going Sunday. And I repeated that last night with just 2 hours sleep. So my family now fits the PDSA's new remit, one pet only, just me and the dog here now. I have no idea how long the grieving process will take, this is the first time I have rehomed a cat so it's all new territory for me. I wouldn't ever want to go through a day like yesterday again that's for sure.