Every day, conversations like the one above play out all over America, on all the blocks where Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart live. Their smoldering chemistry, their zest for life, their passion for the pleasures of the flesh—all is undeniable.

"Sex is a thing that I love to do," Kristen Stewart's glazed glaze seems to say. "And I will do it seven times a day, specifically."

This is the figure thrown out by Star magazine, in a new scholarly report on the intimate lives of Pattinson and Stewart.

Star claims to have heard from "a source" that the couple "have a very active sex life" and "like handcuffs, blindfolds, and feathers."

Close your eyes and imagine Robert Pattinson, his iridescent tail plumage shimmering in the winter sun.

"I like your feathers. I'm so into that," Kristen Stewart mumbles, tearing off her blindfold. "Let's have sex in the way that we love, like we do all the time."

Meanwhile, in the sunken living room, Pattinson switches on a re-run of Law & Order: SVU. He watches as Benson removes a pair of handcuffs from her pocket, then wordlessly slams them on the desk of a colleague.