Wednesday, March 31, 2010

There are days when things just don’t go right. Yesterday and this morning were like that. The park magazine editor had an article that she wanted to fit into one page. Unnnnh. Squeeze. Just didn’t make it. We tried different layouts. Nope, no go. As I said to her, it was like trying to fit a two quart pickle into a one quart jar. She didn’t want it to run over onto a second page. Aarrggh! I was getting tired of looking at the darn thing.

Finally she edited it down - a little - and itjustmadeit. Whew.

Time for something funny --

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

As the young man hastily walked out the door, feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Different blogs are created for different reasons -- photography, knitting, politics, and on and on. Mine? Good question. For the humor, I suppose, what’s going on around here, and various photos that I want to share with you. It gets pretty quiet around here, so I don’t have anything exciting to report. (Would it electrify you to know that for dinner tonight we’re having meatballs and spaghetti with alfredo sauce? I thought not). So let’s stick with the humor --

GRIPE SHEET” CHUCKLES

These have been around for a while, attributed to various airlines—both in the U.S. and abroad. According to the origin, post-flight procedure requires a pilot to fill out a form relating problems with the aircraft. (One of the nicknames for such a report is “Gripe Sheet”.) The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight Following are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Monday, March 29, 2010

The following is taken from a novel, but has nothing to do with the story line. I had read the story, and was intrigued and amused by the explanation. A gentleman comes to the Drunken Duck Inn in southern England. The driver who picks him up at the train station tells the gentleman how the inn came to have its name.All you knitters, please note what happens near the end.

“It had come by its name when Victoria was on the throne, when the landlady had opened her door one Christmas morning and found three ducks lying dead on her doorstep. She thought it provident and awoke her young daughters to help her pluck the ducks for a grand Christmas dinner. The creatures were almost plucked bare when one of the ducks lifted its head and, in a swift retaliatory blow, bit the younger daughter on the wrist. Terrified, the little girl flung the duck into the air, and it came down, featherless and infuriated, into the arms of her mother. It seems the ducks had wandered into a pool of beer leaked from a broken barrel and they had paddled and drunk their way to near death. Once she got over her disappointment at not having roast duck for Christmas, the landlady, distressed at the sight of the naked ducks, set about knitting sweaters for them until their plumage grew back. The ducks enjoyed immunity after the incident, and died of old age.”

And you want even more humor?

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is to simply be kind to others.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Ever try to reach your doctor by phone during office hours? Or after office hours? "Leave a message, and the doctor will get back to you." Maybe. Some day.

I'm so glad my doc is in the modern communications age. He told me that if ever I needed to reach him, send an email. Boy, does that ever work! My V.A. doctor had a couple of questions to which I did not have the answers, so I emailed my private doctor, and the following morning there were the answers in my IN box. He had a question, to which I responded, with a question of my own. This morning - Saturday - there was the response. Don't think- it could get any better.

Humor --

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Friday, March 26, 2010

This is the story of how the various members of a family, as well as others, deal with a tragedy. There is not really any villain in this story, at least not in the usual sense of the word.

The Snows’ own and operate a garden nursery that they had started some 30 years ago in New Hampshire that apparently is quite successful. And all the family members - father, mother, and three adult children - play some role in its operation.

The story starts with sister Molly getting a phone call from the local hospital telling her that her sister Robin has been in an accident, is there at the hospital, and that she - Molly - should get there as soon as possible.

Seems that Robin has suffered a heart attack and is in serious condition. Robin had been discovered on the running track by a good Samaritan (David Harris) who called for an ambulance, and administered artificial respiration. Robin had been hoping to be selected for the coming olympics, and was in training for that. Apparently she was quite a good runner, and had the backing of her family, most especially her mother.

The story centers around how each member of the family reacts to this tragedy, and the emotions toward one another during this time of grief. But there are other story lines that intertwine with the main story. There is son Chris’s problem with his wife, David Harris’ problem with one of his students, who happens to be the daughter of the school superintendent. Then there is newspaper reporter Nick Duquette, who claims to be in love with Robin, but the Snow family doesn’t trust him. There is also a nursery employee who oversteps her area of authority, and has to be dealt with. And finally there are all the athlete runners who are Robin’s friend, and want to express their concern. Of course there are all the doctors and nurses at the hospital with whom the Snow family interacts.

There is yet one other major character, but I don’t want to spoil the story for those who may want to read it.

There is one other aspect to this story that is important to the plot, and yet of wider importance -- the issue of organ donation. I strongly suspect that the statistics cited are accurate as of the time the book was written (published in 2009) because the author is quite meticulous in her research.

All in all I found this book to be most engaging. Although much of the plot is unhappy, it does end on a hopeful and positive note.

Humor -

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Last week I talked about the "spaghetti" that's created when I take off the wired headsets to my iPod. And that Cliff had suggested looking for a wireless headset. And that I found and ordered one, saying I would keep you updated on the results.

Consider this the update. The package arrived last evening. A BIG package, that turned out to be mostly packing. Well, I got it all unpacked, found the instructions, and lo! and behold, got the unit to work with my iPod. It was kinda neat. There I was sitting in the recliner chair in the living room, listening to Ed Ames, and the iPod was sitting on the dining room table!

But then I tried to get it to work with my computer, and the only luck I had was bad. So this morning I called the manufacturer, and some lovely young lady (they are always young and lovely, even if 87 years old) walked me through the process to get it to work on the computer. All's well in the world!

Humor -

MOTHER AND I ARE GETTING DIVORCED

A man in Arizona calls his daughter in New York. “I just wanted you to know, Susan, that your mother and I are getting divorced. We just can’t stand each other any longer. I’ll call your brother in Chicago ...”

“You’re WHAT? Don’t do anything until we get there,” she screams. “I’ll call George! Don’t do a thing! Wait ‘til we get there!” She slams down the phone, then picks it up again and calls her brother in Chicago. “Dad just called. He says he and mom are getting divorced. Drop whatever you’re doing and meet me out there.”

Meanwhile, out in Arizona, the man turns to his wife and says, “The kids are coming for Thanksgiving -- and they’re paying their own way.”

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

There was an event a year or so ago at our club house where I won a prize -- a cookie from a local supermarket. So I went there to retrieve my prize, which turned out to be a chocolate chip cookie. Delicious! I liked it so much that I started buying them by the bagful. Then Eric, my favorite shopper and chef, started delivering them every now and then.

The present bag has about two cookies left, but this morning Eric came in and dropped off another bagful, commenting, “I stayed up all night baking cookies!” Um, yeah. Of course.

Humor:

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! Got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A couple of days ago I was talking about what would have been our 40th wedding anniversary. That evening Cliff and I went to our favorite Chinese restaurant (that’s Chef Chu’s, Alison), and imagine my surprise when I saw a number of waiters wearing aprons that said “40th Anniversary”.

You don’t suppose they knew, do you?

Fun -

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?From papers written by 8 year olds

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A six-year old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said “she lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit we take her back to the airport.”

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Today would have been our 40th wedding anniversary. The photos are, obviously, from our wedding, and, yes, the cake was chocolate! My, we were young! Interestingly, Amalie and I had our first date on January 21, 1970. I proposed one month later on February 21, and we were married one month after that on March 21.

We always managed to do something special for our anniversary. One year we were on a Caribbean cruise, and they baked a special cake for us.

But the funniest one of all was 2001 - our 31st anniversary. There is a Baskin Robbins ice cream store just down the street, and without saying anything to Am, I thought it would be appropriate to get an ice cream cake from the “31 Flavors” store. So I went down to Baskin Robbins several days ahead of time and chose a cake. Am and I had been in that store so many times that the young lady, Casey, who waited on me knew the two of us. I said I would pick up the cake on the 21st.

I always knew that Am and I thought alike, but I really didn’t expect her to come up with the same idea. But she did. Without saying anything to me, she went to the same store to buy a cake. And here is where it got interesting. Casey wouldn’t sell her one. She kept making all kinds of excuses. Am pointed to one in the case she liked, but Casey said, “Oh, no. That one’s stale” Whatever Am tried, Casey had some kind of excuse.

So Am came home with the strangest look on her face! She told me what had happened, and it was all I could do to keep a straight face. At some point I did tell her what was up, and we had a good laugh over it. And on the 21st, after dinner, we had a delicious dessert.

Other humor -

DUCKS IN HEAVEN! Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St.. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ..... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

This article was in this morning’s paper, and I just had to share it with you. The text and photos are from the website and newspaper.

This is about a young Hawaiian monk seal named Hō‘ailona. (No, I don’t know how to pronounce it.)Hō‘ailona was abandoned by his mother soon after his birth in May 2008. He was rescued from a beach on the island of Kaua‘i, cared for by scientists from the National Atmospheric and Oceanic Administration (NOAA) and released back to the wild on the island of Moloka‘i in December 2008.

But Hō‘ailona did not adapt well to life in the wild. He became habituated to humans, and as a result, he began hanging out at a popular wharf and interacting with people in the water and on the beach of Moloka‘i instead of learning how to live as a wild monk seal.

As the seal grew larger, his interactions with people began to pose a risk to his health and well being, as well as to public safety. Finally, NOAA officials had to remove him from Moloka‘i. Before a new plan for returning him to the wild could be developed, veterinarians discovered that Hō‘ailona’s vision was seriously impaired; the young seal required further observation and possibly surgery.

In an unprecedented move, Hō‘ailona was transferred to UCSC (Santa Cruz) where facilities were available for his care and for determining the best treatment for his eyes.

Currently, a team of marine mammal scientists and veterinarians are evaluating Hō‘ailona to assess his overall health and appropriate treatment plan. During his time in California Hō‘ailona is also learning to participate in scientific research that will provide data for the preservation of wild monk seals. Once he completes his treatment and rehabilitation, the plan is to return Hō‘ailona back to Hawai‘i where he can live as an important ambassador for monk seal conservation efforts worldwide.

Humor -

Five tips for a woman

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

Friday, March 19, 2010

That’s what the leads to my iPod headset look like whenever I go to use them! No matter how careful I am when I put them down, they manage to get tangled and knotted by the time I pick them up. Now I’ve never seen these knotty creatures actually weave in and out to form the tangle, but I’m convinced that’s what happens.

Now one lead has decided knot to work, and so I have magnificent mono instead of superb stereo. I was talking with Cliff about it this morning, and he suggested I see if there are any wireless headsets for the iPod. Great idea! I searched the web, and came up with a local firm that deals with headsets, so I phoned them. Asked if there was an iPod wireless headset. At first the gentleman said “no”, but then asked me to hold while he checked further. He came back to tell me there was a new product on the market that would work with the iPod. It’s a bit pricey, but I ordered it. I’ll let you know how it works when it is delivered.

Fun -

THE LETTER

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Mom" With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Mom,:It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, your son, Jon

P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.I love you.Call me when it's safe to come home.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Chipper is really a strange bird. He is not at all friendly, but actually is not much of a problem, because although his cage door is open all day, he usually just sits in his cage.

He does have one behavior, however, that can be a bit annoying -- more to Pepper than to me. Chip always flies out of his cage in the morning so that his food and water can be changed. Then a bit later he flies back up to the counter, and heads, not for his cage, but Pepper's. Now the food in both cages is identical, but Chip likes his breakfast in the other restaurant. If Pepper is eating, she will move away, and let Chip eat from her cup. This despite that the fact that Pepper is about three times bigger than Chip.

This morning was different. I'd made arrangements with the vet for Pepper's manicure and wing trim, so we left her closed in her cage. We even left the cover on. Well, Chipper flew out of his cage (his wings are not clipped), soon flew back up to the counter, and marched purposefully toward Pepper's domicile. "Hey, where's the ladder? This place closed for repairs?" But what was really funny is that he got his head under the cover and peered inside. "What? Closed down for serving liquor without a license?" Eventually he retreated to his own place and ate breakfast there.

Be sure to watch for Sunday's posting.

Fun -

Friends are vacationing in Costa Rica, and daily they email descriptions of the day's activities, along with a bunch of photographs. The photos include places they are visiting, and many, many different birds, some of which I've never heard of before. Now this bird was labeled as a Baltimore Oriole. I was just wondering what position it played.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Ah, it’s finally starting to warm up around here. Yes, yes, I know. Compared to other parts of the country, it never got cold around here. But for many of us, when it’s below 60 degrees F, it is cold! But yesterday it hit 70, and is supposed to be warm the rest of the week.

Which reminds me of a couple of things:

First,a heads up. Typically I don’t post to the blog on Sundays, but there will be one this coming Sunday.

And now a story out of the distant past. The year was 1970, and it was the month of February -- usually a pretty dismal month. But that year was not usual. It was sunny and warm. This particular day I was at Amalie’s apartment in San Jose. As I looked out her back window, I could see almond trees already in blossom. Beautiful!

Am said she wanted to call her nephew Kenny in Long Island, New York, to wish him him a happy birthday. So she picked up the phone, dialed the number, and Kenny’s mother (Am’s sister) answered the phone. “Hi,” said Am, “where’s Kenny? I want to wish him a happy birthday.” The response? “He’s outside, shoveling snow.”

Humor -

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."Customer: "OK."Tech Support: ”Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"Customer: Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.

Friday, March 12, 2010

A mouse stealing a leopard's Lunch.... Are you serious? Seemingly unaware of the beast towering over it, the tiny rodent grabbed at scraps of meat thrown into the African Leopard's enclosure. But instead of pouncing on the tiny intruder, the 12-year-old leopard Sheena kept her distance. After a few minutes she tried to nudge the mouse away with her nose, but the determined little guy kept chewing away until he was full.

The extraordinary scene was captured by photography student Casey Gutteridge at the Santago Rare Leopard Project in Hertfordshire , England . The 19-year-old, photographing the leopard for a course project, was astounded by the mouse's behavior.

He said had no idea where the mouse came from. He just appeared after the keeper had dropped in the meat for the leopard. Taking no notice of the leopard, the mouse went straight over to the meat and started eating.

Even when the leopard bent down and sniffed him, the mouse just carried on eating like nothing had happened. Even the keeper said he'd never seen anything like it before.

Project owner Jackie James added: It was so funny to see - Sheena batted the mouse a couple of times to try to get it away from her food. But the determined little thing took no notice and just carried on.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The other day I was cleaning out one of my desk drawers when I ran across a notebook filled with notes from a trip Am and I had made to New Zealand and Australia back in the ’90’s. At this point my hen scratchings don’t mean much -- bring back a few memories, perhaps - but one page of notes I thought you might find interesting. We were on a bus tour from Melbourne to Sidney, and had stopped for lunch at some little town. Here are the notes, verbatim:

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Elderly friends want to buy a scooter and lift, and asked me for information. Cliff took these photos, and I forwarded this information to them.

In this photo, the scooter is inside the van, and is still attached to the lift. You need a big enough opening on the back of your vehicle to accommodate both the height of the scooter and thetop of the lift.

The hand control is attached to the vertical post of the lift.

Here the lift is starting to swing the scooter out of the van. You can see that the scooter wheels juuuust clear the base of the van.

Now the lift is lowering the scooter to the ground.

Here the scooter is on the ground. You can see the strap stretched out and attached to the scooter.

Here is the bottom of the lift barattached to the docking mechanism on the scooter.