DNC Poll: Clinton Fundraiser Trial A ‘Yawner’ — Satire By Scott Ott

According to a new poll by the Democrat National Committee (DNC), the trial of Sen. Hillary Clinton’s former campaign finance director, David Rosen, is “insignificant and uninteresting to 97 percent of all Americans.”

The DNC-New York Times survey consisted of one question with two possible answers. The poll showed that among the two percent of Americans who had seen news coverage of the case, 97 percent chose: “It’s a yawner — nothing to see here folks.”

The other three percent selected the alternative choice: “I’m a rabid right-winger so blinded by my hatred of the Clintons that I can’t reasonably answer the question.”

“It’s just not newsworthy,” the unnamed pollster said. “It’s nothing but a former First Lady who won a Senate seat with the help of a fundraising team which misstated expenses by more than 100 percent in order to dodge campaign finance laws, and worked with a former convict to produce a lavish star-studded Hollywood gala in tribute to President Bill Clinton as a way of getting the former president to support an internet venture started by the creator of Spider-Man. See, I almost dozed off while describing it to you. No wonder it fails to capture the attention of Mr. and Mrs. America.”

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Indeed, a hypothetical movie Script based on that scenario wouldn’t “make it off the pile,” according to producer/director Rob Reiner, who appeared on the program of the gala event.

“To capture the public’s interest,” said Mr. Reiner, “you need intrigue, risk, betrayal, suspense, high stakes, high-powered characters and celebrities. But we all know that Hillary Clinton — our nation’s next president — was not involved in any way, shape, form or fashion. So, it’s just an ordinary tale of a clumsy associate who made an honest mistake. It’s kind of like [Clinton administration National Security Adviser] Sandy Berger accidentally taking classified documents from the National Archives. Oops. Yawn. Now, let’s move on.”

The fact that Sen. Ted Kennedy’s brother-in-law helped the prosecution as an FBI informant “simply adds to the tedium of this whole boring affair,” Mr. Reiner said.

A spokesman for Sen. Clinton, D-NY, said, “It’s time to heal the nation’s wounds and move on to the people’s business of enacting our visionary Democrat plans for Social Security and foreign policy. And the Senator is still not even starting to think about whom she’ll appoint to key cabinet posts.”

This satire was used with the permission of Scott Ott from Scrappleface.