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Saturday, November 18, 2006

Ex Mass Tree Tradition

With the holidays right around the corner, I thought I might share some very important Xmas traditions that I like to participate in. These traditions are ones that I usually share with the Lund side. They are very dear to my heart and I hope will never change. We'll start with the tree decorating. Later, as I find time, I will continue to share other Xmas traditions. To begin, every year my brothers and I get together with my parents to help decorate their tree. Sometimes our spouses join us but not always. When we arrive, dad usually has the Tom and Jerrys started. The batter is all mixed and he's beginning to pour. Mom has Xmas music on in the background and last year we were fortunate enough to have the opportunity to listen to our favorite, Roger Whitaker's Christmas. My mom made us listen to it back when we were kids. We used to hate it and make fun of it. Now, we're older, we love it, and we still make fun of it usually resulting in ruining mom's tree decorating experience, another family tradition. Dad fixes us our Tom and Jerrys with just the right amount of alcohol. By the time the tree is completed, we are about two sheets to the wind and ready to get behind the wheel for a good old fashioned holiday drunk driving experience. Back to the tree decorating... my mom has A LOT of ornaments. It's starting to get very difficult to spread it out. In fact, it began to be very difficult about 10 years ago which is when we started some of our tree decorating traditions. My mom saved all our little ornaments we made back when we were kids. They're hideous. Mom loves to have them on the tree, but prefers to have them hidden way in the back where no one can see them. That way she feels like she's doing her part as a good mom in keeping those precious things on the tree every year, but just doesn't have to look at them. So, what do my brothers and I do? We move them from the back to the very front. When we come back to the house about a week later, the decorations have usually since been moved. Out of view, of course. Another fun thing that my brother Steve likes to do is take several ornaments and see how many he can put on one branch before it snaps off. You can always see it from a distance. The tree's branches are all perky except for one that is pointing towards the floor with a whole bunch of colorful ornaments dangling and sometimes resting on the carpet. That, too, is usually changed the next time we come to the parents' house. One last, and wonderful thing we do during the tree decorating is one that people might think is mean. However, in our defense we had to come up with something our mom couldn't change when we weren't around. Mom has a creepy elf that she has had for years. It has a plastic head with BIG sweet eyes with thick eye lashes, rosy cheeks, and a weird plotting smile. The torso is plastic with red fabric wrapped around it with floppy arms and legs made of the same fabric. If it could stand, it would stand about a foot tall. Here's where the mean part comes in. My mom has had a bad back for several years. Because of her bad back, it is unsafe for her to use the ladder. We, on the other hand, have no problem getting up and down the ladder and getting to those hard-to-reach areas. One such hard-to-reach area is the very top of the tree. Of course, the tree topper is a very beautiful angel. She has a lovely white satiny dress and big feathery wings. Well, every year either me or one of my brothers climbs the ladder, takes the creepy elf boy and places his head up the angels dress so he looks like he's checking out her "goods" with his legs spread out and white mittens resting in his plastic crotch. It's a bit pornographic and inappropriate, but it's what makes it Xmas for my family. We always make sure we put the ladder away so she can't make dad climb up and fix it. However, I believe mom and dad have accepted the porno elf as a staple in our tree decorating ceremony. The sad thing is we laugh hysterically over this every single year as if it was the first time we'd ever done it. I have pulled some of the tradition into my own home. I have a little plush Santa Clause that just sits on the tree. It looks like it's arms are open for a hug and his feet are stitched together making a hole in between his legs. Well, I usually place the Santa Clause on the tree with one of the pointy lights sticking through that hole making Santa look like he is aroused and glowing. I love it. The boys are too young to understand the humor in this, but I hope one day they will be able to help create some of their own tree decorating traditions that will disturb us all.

On a side note, my sister-in-law found a green creepy elf and gave it to me last Xmas. Besides being given the okay to get pregnant from my husband, it was probably my favorite gift. I can't wait to make it look up my angel's dress all dirty-like.

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About Me

I love to write and I love to share true stories of my life. I leave out the BS because if it is something that I don't feel like going back and reading, then sure as hell other people don't want to read it either...unless they're assholes. I started writing this the day I found out I was preggers with Farrah and decided to document many if not all things from then on as a means to have something to share with her and others later.
As a person and as a writer, I have grown and changed since I started this so my style has grown and changed along with me. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
WARNING: CONTENTS MAY OFFEND SOME, IF NOT ALL PEOPLE READING THIS. THERE IS A LOT OF SWEARING IN THIS AT TIMES. IT IS MEANT FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH MY POLITICS, RELIGIOUS BELIEFS, AND RANDOM RANTINGS SORRY, BUT YOU WERE WARNED.