What This Reproductive Rights Activist Realized When She Had an Abortion Herself

“I thought I knew everything about abortion.”

Jan. 22 is the 44th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the landmark Supreme Court decision that affirms women’s right to abortion, and supports the principle that a woman’s decisions about her body and health that are made with her doctor should not be intruded upon by the government. To mark this momentous decision, Teen Vogue is sharing the stories of real women who have chosen to have an abortion in their lives. Below, is the story of Mallory McMaster, 30, who lives in Cleveland Heights, Ohio.

My abortion was almost exactly four years ago: Jan. 13, 2013. I was in a relationship. I got married on Dec. 22, 2012 — so I was very, very newly married when I found out I was pregnant. And my relationship was awful — it was toxic, but I didn’t have the tools or resources to get out of it, so I went ahead with the wedding.

The first clue I was pregnant was when my wedding dress wouldn’t zip up. I had been trying to lose weight — and all of a sudden, I had boobs and was bloated, heavy. I had trouble sleeping and was tired all the time. I Googled my symptoms and the first thing that came up was a pregnancy blog.

I took a test and it was positive, and immediately I knew I needed to have an abortion.

A big part of my decision was that I didn’t want to be tied to that person for the rest of my life, even though we had only been married for less than a month at that point. When I spoke to him about it, I resorted back to conversations we had in the past about how we couldn’t have kids now since we couldn’t afford it, we were both working too much. Whenever we had talked about having children in the future, we had always said, we would plan ahead, pay off our student loans first, will own a home. So I was able to refer back to those conversations. Fortunately, he was supportive of my choice; he agreed with the idea. He offered to drive me to the clinic.

I found out that I was pregnant on New Year’s Eve and the clinic I needed to go to was closed for the holiday. I had been an escort at that clinic before, so I knew that where I would go, they would provide me the care I needed. But it was three days before I could reach them, when they were open again. You can do a lot of Googling in three days. It was a long three days. When I called the clinic to make the appointment when they were open again, I didn’t know how pregnant I was, since my periods had been irregular. And I was freaking out about how I was going to cover the cost. I had to go into the hallway at work or the bathroom to make the calls to the clinic — it took a few calls to get through — and there was just no privacy and that was scary.

I had been an abortion rights activist my whole life. I was on the board of NARAL Pro-Choice Ohio, and had volunteered at Planned Parenthood. I knew what was best for me and it was easy to make the decision for myself, without stigma or shame. But even as someone who knew exactly what the laws were in my state and knew what it was I would experience, it was terrifying. But when I finally got through to the clinic on the phone, they made me feel understood, and safe, in an environment where people understood what I was going through. They told me what to expect; told me that my insurance would cover my abortion. I felt no judgment or shame from the clinic from the moment they answered the phone.

I was miserable being pregnant. I couldn’t function. And I was really grateful that I had the structure and experience of fighting abortion stigmas and pushing back against them so that they didn’t affect me as much. I knew that the state laws that impacted me in having the procedure — the 24-hour waiting period, the ultrasound and heartbeat I would be offered to see and hear — weren’t because the clinic thought I wasn’t ready to make my decision, but just because the governor had signed bills because he thought that. It was really helpful knowing that.

I remember being screamed at by protesters when we walked in. I had to work really hard to get my husband not to react to them. Our society tells men to protect people from verbal abuse and I knew it would really get under his skin, and any reaction from him would only further spur the protesters on — make them louder, make them say even worse things.

The day of my procedure, I was still struggling with a lot of nausea. I was exhausted, bloated; I felt gross. I didn’t even want anyone I knew at the clinic to see me. I sent my husband at the time out to buy donuts for all of the staff there. They all looked like they were having a hard day, and I wanted to do something nice for them. I did the paperwork for the procedure and it was pretty easy. A friend of mine was working that day and came out to visit with me. No one in the waiting room was talking to one another. That’s one thing I do regret: I wish I had started a conversation. I wish I had helped everyone to talk to each other.

My procedure was really quick. I had sedation, so I don’t really remember much. The last thing I remember was making a joke about a protester I could hear screaming outside. I woke up in the recovery room covered by a warm blanket and someone brought me a drink. Almost immediately, I could feel the morning sickness leaving and I felt like myself again, and that made me feel happy. Then my husband drove me home. Almost immediately, I was hungry. I could eat again. I stayed home the rest of the day and watched Netflix and rested — and ate. And after that, I was fine. I had no issues, no symptoms. I went back to work the following day. I quickly lost the weight I had put on from all the bloating. I felt human again for the first time in weeks.

I was an activist — I thought I knew everything about abortion. But I had no idea how many people I really shared the experience with. You don’t really understand how many people one in three women is until you start to hear other people’s stories about their own abortions. Every time I share my story, I hear from one or two other people who say that they now feel not alone, and share their own story with me, often for the first time ever.

I was surprised about how much my abortion changed the trajectory of my life. Before I had my abortion, I talked about abortion strictly as a medical procedure. I would tell people, "It’s like a root canal — you have one and go on with your life and nothing changes." But having an abortion and investing in my future made me proud of myself and allowed me to go on to make good decisions for myself: I got a divorce, I went back to school, I started a career I love, I re-married, bought a house, and now my husband and I are trying to start a family.

Women who have abortions and women who start families are the same people, just at different parts of their lives. I had always heard that before, but now I really get it. There’s this undercurrent that women who have abortions are immature and irresponsible, but this is not the case. Women have abortions for multitudes of different reasons and then go on with their lives in the way they can and want to. But it has nothing to do with being responsible or irresponsible.

When my husband and I look back on my situation — when I left my marriage and then went on to meet, date, and marry my husband — we realize that we wouldn’t be able to have this relationship if I had a toddler at the time. And I wouldn’t have been able to fully extricate myself from my ex-husband if we had a child together, and I wouldn’t have wanted that for me and for the potential child. I am so grateful that isn’t my life today. I am grateful for my abortion.

Now, in talking about the family that my husband and I want to start together, we’re talking about prenatal testing to make sure we don’t pass on any health issues to a future child of ours — but we’re also talking about the need to protect abortion access for our children. If one of my children was in the situation I was in, I would want them to have the same choices available to choose from.