Feeling Wrecked

Today I just feel wrecked. Same shit different day, and after 21 years, that's a lot of days and a lot of shit. All we do is argue anymore and the time it takes to reconnect afterward gets longer and longer. If I am being honest, I am not sure we really are reconnecting rather than just putting on another layer of battle armor and soldiering on to fight another day. So, today, here is how ADHD is affecting my life. My husband knew I had scheduled a get together tonight in our home after a neighbor asked me to host a small product party for her launch as a consultant. My husband was expected to attend because she is selling it with her boyfriend who is also very involved with athletics and physical fitness as my husband is and this product speaks to that demographic. I said yes and let my husband know that this was going on today. He has known since the day before he arrived home from work (he is gone for a week) on Monday (I texted him so he wouldn't forget) that this was happening. Last night, he disappeared to another town 1.5 hours away to put in some time at his business there. Yes, he works out of town for a week at a time, then gets home and spends at least one if not more days out of town for his business/hobby/passion. I have talked until I am blue in the face about feeling lonely and disconnected but he always thinks he can "catch up" the time with me "someday" when things aren't so busy. Fun fact: he has always run this hard and now that we have a family and careers, I have been left behind. There will never be time for me and I am long past believing there will be, although since he as no concept of time, he truly believes there is and that he can make up for years of being too busy for me. Typical ADHD disconnect from reality. Well intentioned but delusional. Anyway, about tonight. Since he opted to stay all night with family out of town last night, I had a bad feeling when I still hadn't been able to reach him by about noon today. I called. No response. Called a little later. No response. Texted. Same thing. Totally ghosted. (When he is in "the zone" with his hobby/business, all Hell could break loose around him and he would be oblivious. Except for our children. He will always stop for them.) Since I couldn't reach him, I stooped really low and called our 21 year old daughter and asked her to ask him to call me because I needed to make sure he was going to be home soon to help me out fo tonight's party. Nothing major, I just needed some clutter off the kitchen table, the sliding glass doors wiped down, and a cheese and fruit tray picked up because I am working until right up until this starts (this is my ADHD moment and piss poor scheduling, I can see this now as I am writing this). So, after our daughter reaches him, he texts me. "busy. working. will be home at 5:30" !!!!!!!!!! What the HELL?????????? It STARTS at 5:00!!!!!!!! NO! Just NO!!!! At that point, I am livid. I do the thing no one should ever do, which is start freaking out over text. I know how unhealthy and toxic this is, but I don't know what to do. He ditched me. He won't take my calls or really LISTEN to my concerns. He wants to breeze in 30 minutes after it starts and it's all good? Why would other husbands just automatically understand that this is a terrible idea and mine has no clue?????? Well, ADHD of course. He truly, absolutely has no idea that there is any other protocol for partnership that does not include behaving this way. And the worst thing is, he will breeze in and make ME the problem because I am so upset and "intense" and "over the top" and being "dramatic" and blah blah blah. No ownership whatsoever of the fact that he has left me, his partner, alone again with no head's up so I could prepare. I finally called my mom and dad, who don't even live in our town, and they are going to get our daughter off the bus and tidy up the front room and clean my sliding glass doors. Thank god for them. Just thank God. They are truly all that stands between me and a nervous breakdown. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't know how I have done it this long. This is the loneliest and must crazy-making situation I could ever imagine being in. It is like falling down the rabbit hole into Crazy Town every day of my life and trying to figure out what I am supposed to do. I used to worship the ground this man walked on and felt so damned lucky to have found him, but that ship has sailed. I am exhausted and lonely and wrecked and I have no idea what to do differently to make this work better.

Comments

H did this to me too. When we were MUCH younger, I gave a party to our friends...maybe 20 people. H came home 2 hours after the party started alaong with some friends from work. 15 minutes later 2 secretaries from his work showed up at the door. He had been having drinks with them. Later that year I noticed one of those same secretaries was flirting and touching knee to knee with him at a work social event. Later that year still, when I was suspicious, I drove to a bar where I knew he went to after work, dropping off my small son at a good friend's house at about 10pm. There was H, slouched over that same secretary on the dance floor, having drunk too much. He had the habit of coming home late one or two nights a week in those days while I had full care of our toddler.

If there is no attention at home, then, let's face it, there is attention somewhere else. All the forgiveness and understanding in the world is not going to rekindle love and trust if one person in a couple is not trying - not focusing at home - ATTENTION DEFICIT.

Writing this out has been helpful to me. I have stuffed so much that my memory has glossed over the reality of our history. I had forgotten this happened...maybe because now at this age I am embarrassed at my weakness...that I forgave and forgot this incident...and many others. But the distrust and failure FEELINGS have been there for all these years. I should have left, but I didn't have the support or money or model or my own permission.

@Jennalemone--Your comment "If there is no attention at home, then, let's face it, there is attention somewhere else", is so true. For me, that attention, actually total absorption and obsession, has always been with anything with a motor, engine, gear, etc...... My husband is a classic "gearhead" and he takes things apart and puts them back together, invents things he never finishes, moves on to other things, gets new things, rearranges and reorganizes the old things, cleans the old and new things, ad infinitum. His workshop (which is now over an hour from our home because we are in the suburbs with no room for a large shop) is his own personal Heaven and when he is there, he does not stop to eat, drink, sleep, check in at home, or anything. I have seen him work all day in the shop when it was so hot that EVERY SINGLE PERSON but him left because of the sweat dripping off their faces and bodies, but he isn't even aware of the heat, and just blissfully soldiers on in his own happy place surrounded by his welder, mill, lathe, table saw, and whatever else lurks around in there. Once he locks on to a project, he doesn't come up for air, and this is so incompatible with family life that I am constantly banging my head against the wall. I am sorry that your husband's attention was other women, that would be painful beyond words. I honestly couldn't handle that, because that is a betrayal that would be a dealbreaker. My DH's inability to remember he has a home and a family when he is "playing" in his shop is infuriating, but at least he isn't sneaking around and trying to hide things. In fact, he is usually thrilled when I go along with him, even though he ignores me and I sit on a couch with a book when I do go. Also, my stamina to sit on a dirty couch in a warehouse full of weird guys and a bunch of machines does not last beyond 3-4 hours, and he CANNOT get in and out of there is less than 7-8 hours minimum. It is really hard for him to tear himself away and I don't have that much patience for sitting around alone. Anyway, thank you for responding. Life is complicated and ADHD makes it overwhelming and isolating during times that we should be able to expect cooperation and teamwork but don't get that. It is so good to have the support of others who know that story and have lived it.