Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The uniqueness of being me.....

This morning as I was locking the back door, juggling my purse, coffee thermos, and trying to dig out my sunglasses I stopped and noticed the eastern sun in my gardens. There is a coolness to the mornings, a freshness, and the birds were singing and bathing, and I wanted to be a turtle and just soak up the sun all day long. The warmth, I want to somehow get the warmth of the sun into my bones, so I can feel it's heat even on cold cloudy days. None the less my children were rushing me to the car so we wouldn't be late to school, so I gave a sigh, closed the fence gate and headed off to a world of numbers, deadlines, and rules. I still feel like being a turtle. Just to spend an entire day hanging out on a rock, soaking up the sun and thinking reflective and enlightening thoughts. For this busy working mom it "ain't gonna happen". What I am discovering about myself is happening in the evenings. When the air thaat pushes my bedroom curtains in is soft and cool, and the birds are settling in for the night. I am working through my fourth step. Last night I worked on my weaknesses and my strengths. I wrote for about an hour and then stopped to examine my work. I was surprised at how comfortable I felt when writing about my weaknesses. The fact that I can recognize these as weaknesses and not total devastating traits that need to be removed instantly or the world will know I'm not perfect...or at least a few months ago that's how I would have thought. Now I am much more capable of being objective about myself. I have some self worth and I can identify with my weaknesses and not beat myself up with them. This is huge, before I would have cringed and punished myself, or sat on the pity pot feeling sorry for myself and all these things that made me such a bad person. I don't like these weaknesses but I'm not intimidated by them anymore. I'm just looking at them, so I can recognize them when they pop up, and work on changing them. People keep warning me not to "beat myself up", but I don't feel that I am, I'm just being honest. I have also discovered some good qualities about myself, that I can use to be a better person. It's funny, when you are drinking, you are perfect. You are always right, your way is best, and you will work your butt off to convince other people of that fact. When the fog clears, and the pink cloud lifts and you stand and face the truth, that's when the real test begins. Oh it's not pretty, but it's not so terrifying either. It can be painful at times, but sorting through the "self" is essential for growth. I may always want to be a turtle soaking up the sun, because by staying in one place I will avoid pain, hurt, life, and growth. However my life is here, it's busy, it's demanding, it's surprising, it's joyful, it's at times painful but it's mine...directed by God, uniquely me.........

1 comment:

The fourth step really helped me to see my part. And in the fifth I talked about that--the good and the bad. And in the sixth I listed by assets and defects. I had 51 defects when I was done and not as many assets. But I began the process of being aware of the defects and asking God to remove them. It all works together to raise my awareness of what I do, what works and what doesn't. Great post!

About this blog

“The Lord is with you when you are with Him. If you seek Him, He will be found by you, but if you forsake Him, He will forsake you….Be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.” 2 Chron. 15:2,7

About Me

At 43 I'm done. Done with the excuses of why I can't loose weight. Done with liking myself yet hating to pass in front of a mirror. Out of shape, nutritionally bankrupt, and desperately seeking weight control sanity. Blogging helped me stay sober, and hopefully it will help me shut my mouth....