Okay, okay. Uncle. I had no plans to watch or care about Donald Trump’s Celebrity Apprentice, which is currently slated to feature boring D-listers Jim Cramer, Carmen Electra, Joan Rivers, Naomi Judd, George Foreman, Omarosa (from the original season of Apprentice), Kimora Lee Simmons, Pete Rose, Dana Patrick, Tony Hawk and Jeff Gordon (I don’t know who half those people are, but haven’t most of them done The Surreal Life already?), but now that Mr. Trump is talking about bringing on Britney, Paris and Lindsay, I’m paying attention.

“We’re negotiating with Britney right now. Can you imagine her doing it?” says Trump. “We’re not sure what will happen. She’s a [bleep]ing mess. And that little reality show she had did nothing. But she likes the idea of being on television and I think she’d be great.”

Hey. I liked Chaotic. Watching stoned people is always funny.

He says that Paris Hilton “wants to be on, and we’re thinking about it, but I don’t know if we’re going to do it.”

And as for Lindsay? “Another [bleep]ing mess. We haven’t asked her yet, but I’m going to call her this week. It would a positive thing for her to do . . . for all of them.” Um … I think Lohan’s upcoming jail stint may conflict with the filming schedule.

Hilton’s new crisis rep, Mike Sitrick, said he hadn’t heard of any deal in progress, which is probably because Donald Trump is making all of this up in order to get us talking about his show, which no one is going to watch because, come on, people, VH1 already has the monopoly on D-list trainwreck voyeurism. But, Donald, you have my word: if you can get Britney Spears on this thing, I will watch it. I will write about. So make it happen, buddy.

WHICH Oscar-winning actor has his friends worried? His career’s gone downhill since getting the gold statue and his drinking has increased tenfold. Now, he doesn’t even try to hide his public drunkenness or his affairs.

Sorry posting has been non-existent the past couple of days. We are having technical difficulties. And by technical difficulties, I mean my next-door neighbors moved and took their Wi-Fi connection with them. So the cable guy is coming tomorrow to make an honest woman of me, and, until then, I’ve found a lovely Tea Lounge with free Wi-Fi. So we’re back.

“It’s unfair when one person’s career is taking off and the other is really suffering,” he says. “What happens â€” it’s not that they’re jealous of each other; it’s that the person you share your life with isn’t in the mood to support. You want to have a pity party for yourself, but they’re off to the Golden Globes and you don’t want to go because everyone is going to think you are jealous.”

Ethan Hawke, who will always be that “I am not acting like anything, I am calmly reading” guy from Reality Bites in my mind, married Uma Thurman in 1998. She filed for divorce in 2004, around the time her acting career was skyrocketing and Ethan was penning angsty novels.

But thank you, Ethan, for finally stepping up to the plate and actually saying that Hollywood egos get in the way of Hollywood marriages.