Pages

January 3, 2013

Muschamp-49er16 Model or The Five Stages of Muschamp

/taps microphone
//hears feedback

Welcome ladies and gentleman to my presentation. I'm not much for introductions so let's just get right into this. By now I'm sure you've heard of the Kubler-Ross Model before right? Maybe you've heard of the 5 stages of grief? Okay good because they're the same thing. According to Wikipedia the 5 stages of grief can be described as a "hypothesis was that when a person (and/or their survivors) is faced with the reality of their impending death, he/she will experience a series of emotional "stages": denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and, acceptance (in no specific sequence)."

Well I have created a new model. It's called the "Muschamp-49er16 Model" or "The Five Stages of Muschamp". The 5 stages of Muschamp is a hypothessis that when Muschamp is faced with an embarrassing loss or the impending loss he will go through a series of emotional "stages": Anger, Anger, Anger, Anger, and ANGER (in no specific sequence). Please let me demonstrate the model.

Stage 1, Anger- "I'm going to murder you motherfucker."

As you can see in the picture, Muschamp's neck veins are like a Mission: Impossible message. They're about to self-destruct in 5 seconds. The gritting of the teeth and the crazy eyes are one long master plan to murder one of his players and leave him in a Florida Swamp.

Stage 2, ANGER- "How can you call that fucking call?!?!"

This stage is actually the least angriest. The veins in his neck aren't going to explode. He's not gritting his teeth or giving a death stare. In actuality he's just showing the referee his tonsils for a check up. He's a nice guy that way.

Stage 3, Anger- "Fuck you!"

And we're right back to the hostility but in a playful, silly way. Look at how Muschamp is sticking out his tongue at the referee. There's no veins ready to explode. This is the type of anger a child has at his parents when he or she isn't given a cookie after dinner.

This stage of anger everyone has gone through in life. It's when you're not near a restroom but you have to fart badly but are afraid you might shit your pants. Many men went through this stage this year during the Christmas season at the mall based on my highly scientific research at the mall while shopping for Christmas gifts.

Stage 5, Anger- "I may look subdued, but I'm really looking at the best place on your back to stab you."

He might look subdued. He might look like he's about to cry. He might look unhappy. He's not. He's steaming inside. There's an ulcer growing inside his stomach like the alien from Alien. He's thinking about killing Spurrier on his favorite golf course and bury him at the ninth green. This is the most dangerous stage of Muschamp. The lay in quiet, Muschamp.

I want to thank everyone for sitting through my presentation today. Remember it's called the Muschamp-49er16 model of The Five Stages of Muschamp. If you have any questions please leave them in the comments box.