Thank you for joining me on this journey. It's never been easy, and I don't ever expect it to be. There may be times when you don't agree with me, and that's OK. Never be afraid to share your feelings with me, that's what I'm here for and what has kept me going. I'm not a licensed professional, but I have more than 20 years experience with mental illness.
You can find our podcast, Voices for Change 2.0 at
www.blogtalkradio.com/leftofstr8

Monday, May 23, 2016

Lately, as my mood has been the lowest it has been in months, I’ve had many things going on inside my mind. I keep going back to one thought that has been keeping me awake at night. We’ve all noticed that in the last few years, suicide is often at the forefront of our minds. Mainstream media, as well as social media, have been posting a lot more about it, and it seems as if we’re hearing about another suicide every other week.

Several months ago, I saw a heartbreaking photo online of Jim Carrey, as he helped to carry the casket of his former girlfriend from the church. She committed suicide. That could have been my husband. It wouldn’t have been publicized like that, but regardless the pain would have been the same.

Are we doing the right thing? Is talking about suicide online so frequently making it happen more often? Or, does it just seem like it happens more often because we’re talking about it?

I look at a situation like Robin Williams, and the hell his poor daughter went through after his death. She had to close down all of her social media accounts because she was so traumatized by the negative posts about her father’s suicide. That’s pathetic, and how I wish I could reach out to her and tell her how sorry I am. This is what makes me question whether we’re doing the right thing. Perhaps we aren’t doing it the right way?

I’m on social media every single day, and I am posting away about my life, my suicide attempt, my book, my bipolar. It leaves me open to a great deal of criticism. At this point, I’ve even been accused of not even really being bipolar because someone read my book, and their experiences weren’t the same as mine. So, automatically I wasn’t really sick. THAT is really sick.

I’ve been committed on three separate occasions, torn my life apart, lost every job I ever had, put so many scars on my body that I look like I walked through a plate-glass window, and I almost died. If you think I am pretending to go through these things just so now and then someone says, “Wow, I’m really sorry,” you’re the one that needs help. I’m not stupid, weak, a coward, attention seeking, or a failure at life.

I sit here and contemplate whether or not being so open about suicide is the best way to go, on my blog dedicated to being open about suicide. I’ve always been told I’m a walking paradox. This is what I truly want to believe. Yes, this is the right thing. People need to know. They need to understand what this is like. Talking about it isn’t causing it to happen more often, we’re just more open to hearing about it. That has to be the case. Otherwise, everything I’ve done has been for nothing, and I cannot stand the thought of that.

Maybe this is just one of those situations where my mind is all over the place because I’m deep in a bout of depression that has me so completely knocked on my ass, that I’ve got no idea when I’m getting back up. Even at night when I do sleep, my mind creates these horrific scenarios in my head. I can’t help but think, I was lucky enough that didn’t happen, but you’re making me watch it as if it did? WHY?

Is social media the best thing for mental illness? I think perhaps it’s like anything else, there are pros and cons. I want to believe that the pros far outweigh the cons on this one. I know that personally, and I’m certain due to my experiences, that too much of it sends me into a tailspin. I simply can’t go to that place day after day. It’s far too painful for me. I’m sure there are others that feel the same way. I do feel that it’s up to each of us to be responsible with what we post and how. Posting a picture of your bleeding arm is not helping anyone, I can promise you that. If anything, you just triggered about a thousand people to do that to themselves...possibly including me. As someone who has been there, I know first-hand.

Let’s just be careful with this. Let’s be kind, considerate, and respectful. That’s all I’m asking. If someone is in a bad spot, help them out if you can. If you can’t, that’s OK too. You can only do as much as you can do at any given moment. I’d love to help everyone that I scroll past, but there are sometimes when I just can’t. I have to help myself at that moment.

I’m just keeping my fingers crossed that my book is doing much more good than harm. That’s why I put myself out there. That’s why I’ve been subjected to all of this scrutiny. I’m a mere mortal, and I can only take so much. So, there will be days when I’m not doing well and maybe I can tell you why, and maybe I can’t. If putting it out into the universe helps someone, I’m extremely grateful for that. I just don’t ever want to be the source of someone else's pain.

It’s a lot to think about all at once. I hope I’ve made at least some amount of sense. Yes, I think we are doing the right thing. I just don’t think everyone is doing it the right way. I guess when all is said and done, that’s my conclusion.

Friday, May 20, 2016

I’ve
spent many, many years dealing with bipolar disorder.However, I’ve only spent a year as a bipolar
author.All authors face challenges.Struggling to be published, meeting
deadlines, promoting. I am now of the opinion that those of us dealing with
bipolar disorder have a different battle to fight.On the heels of receiving my very first rude
and threatening email about my book, I am facing an even greater challenge. I have to fight to even continue to put myself
out there for this type of scrutiny.I’m
constantly trying to tell myself that if I were to give up, the bullies would
win.I can’t do that.

Take a
book signing for example. I had one last
year and going into it, I was terrified.
I’ve never been good at public speaking to begin with. When you factor in my anxiety issues, I
wasn’t sure I would even get through it.
Thankfully, my husband was next to me the entire time. I think I pulled it off, but I’m not sure how
I would have done had there been more people in attendance.

We all
face issues with confidence. I’m not so
naïve that I don’t understand that. I
feel like authors or writers that are not dealing with mental illness may have
a leg up in some areas. In my situation,
I am at a stage where I am rarely leaving my house
or even my bedroom. I don’t think someone like James Patterson has to contend
with such obstacles.

In my book, I documented my enormous issues with body
image and self-esteem. I’ve always been negative about my appearance. Over the
years dealing with my depression, I’ve gained more weight than I ever would
have imagined. Dealing with bipolar disorder, weight gain, and the possibility
of appearing in photos or on television is incredibly daunting. I did one
television interview early on, and I can’t even look at the video at this
point. It sends me into a deep depression for days. Even now that I’m on the right path with my
health, and I’m down 27 pounds, I still beat myself up for appearing in front
of the camera the way I look.

For
those of us that happen to feel things much deeper than most people, negative
reviews are like a sharp knife to your heart. It’s been an arduous task trying
to convince myself that just because not everyone likes it, doesn’t mean I’m a
failure…or as one person called me, a selfish narcissist. I never in my wildest
dreams thought that putting my story out there in an effort to raise awareness
about suicide would be met with such comments. I’m simply trying to help
people!

Granted,
I’m no Mother Teresa, but I didn’t join this fight to make myself look good.
Quite the contrary. I wanted to use this
platform to tell a cautionary tale, so to speak. To let others know that I made
many mistakes along the way, but I am certainly much stronger for learning from
those mistakes. Most of all, people need
to understand that having a bad day doesn’t mean you have a bad life.

So, I’ll
take comfort in the fact that there are those that support me. The mental health community is amazing. I
love feeling a sense of camaraderie. As
if we’re all here, fighting the same battle and hopefully making a
difference. I’ve met some of the most
amazing people in the last year. As much
as I struggle with social anxiety and agoraphobia, it’s such a comfort to know
that despite those issues, I may still be able to affect change in the world
around me.

Of
course, there are days when it’s extremely difficult to keep focused on the
positive. It’s hard to keep focus at
all. That is one of the main reasons I’ve
been rather terrified to sign on to any particular website to write a monthly
column. When I’m depressed, all
concentration goes out the window. It
feels as if there’s a movie playing inside my brain on fast forward and I have
no idea where the remote is. When
writer’s block sets in, I can’t slow my brain down to come up with a sentence,
let alone an entire article. I’m
constantly afraid of letting people down or even letting myself down. The idea
of being a failure still rests comfortably on my shoulder. Ever present and always reminding me of the
mistakes I’ve made. I often make an
effort to reach out and help others with whatever they’re working on. At times,
it helps to put my situation into perspective.
The next thing I know, I’m writing again.

I never
know when an idea will hit me. Last
night, it was around 1:30 in the morning.
It’s both a curse and a blessing.
While I’m grateful for the opportunity to put pen to paper, I’m
sometimes a slave to my expanded consciousness.

I
realize that I have traditionally been way too hard on myself. I need to give myself credit once in a
while. If I see someone on TV that is an
extremely talented artist, musician, or even a writer, that little voice inside
my head is very vocal. I’m forever thinking, “I wish I was that good at anything!”
I’ve beat myself up for so many years, I’m not sure I would know how to be
kind.

I lack
confidence on so many levels. Poor
self-esteem is a symptom of depression, but when will I learn to cut myself
some slack? I wrote a book and I got it published, and it’s helping people! I
have an extremely successful blog and I feel as if I’ve earned the respect of
many others in the mental health community, at least on social media! So, when do I stop and give myself a little
pat on the back? I carry burdens that many people wouldn’t be able to shoulder
for very long. I fight a battle inside
my head (and my heart) from the minute I get up in the morning.

Perhaps
now is the time to remember that despite the challenges of being an author and
having bipolar disorder, it can be managed.
I just have to be willing to use a little common sense. I’ve gotten this far. I think I’ve probably thrown in the towel once
a week for nearly a year, and I’m still going.
I didn’t die when it was all I could think about 3 years ago. I’m a fighter. I may not always be able to keep that in mind
for myself, but I hope I can impart that wisdom onto others that are lacking in
the confidence department. Sometimes
it’s OK to just exist. If you’re facing
a challenge due to your mental illness, let it be your moment to shine! No matter how scary it is, you have to face
it head on. If you can’t be realistic
about your situation on Tuesday, give yourself some time. Maybe on Friday you can knock it out of the
park.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

It’s
not uncommon for most of us to experience days when we may not be able to
concentrate fully on the task at hand for a variety of reasons. There are days when it’s difficult to simply
determine what you might want to eat, let alone come to any important
conclusions. People with bipolar
disorder are no exception. In fact, it’s an even bigger problem.

I
know from my own experience that regardless of whether I am in a manic phase or
a severely depressed phase, concentration is a recurring issue. Most of the
articles I read seem to indicate that a manic episode would cause a sharp and
clear frame of mind. Historically, that is not how it works for me.

I
love books. I enjoy reading very much and if I could I would do it every single
day. I’ve
had many people approach me about reading their book or their blog, and I do
have every intention of doing just that.However, my brain seems to have other ideas.There was a point in my treatment with one of
my previous doctors that we came to the conclusion that my lack of an attention
span could possibly be Adult ADHD.It’s
still not out of the question, especially when I consider the symptoms.

At
that time, I was given Ritalin. After a
couple of months, I started to experience something that felt like perpetual
panic attacks. After investigating the
side effects, I determined that Ritalin was not for me.

There was never another opportunity to explore that diagnosis again, because, before long, I was feeling suicidal
and was hospitalized for my attempt.

Setting ADHD on the back burner for a moment, it only makes sense that
someone like me wouldn’t be able to focus. It’s like a movie is fast forwarding
in my brain and I can’t find the remote.
It only gets worse at night when I’m trying to sleep. This is why I make lists. I can’t remember half of what I was trying to
get done because my brain is thinking of
25 other things I need to do. However,
by the time I’ve written down every single thing I want to get done for the next
10 years, the list has become far too overwhelming to even comprehend. None of it gets done and I start over the
next day.

Having done a bit of research on this topic, I still have a burning
question. While most of my time is spent desperately trying to focus on one
simple task, I do have good days. They
can go for stretches of a week or even a
month. For instance, I’ve decided I wanted to spend some time enjoying the
weather while reading on our back porch. I’ve had little to no difficulty
concentrating on the book I’m reading.
So, where am I? I’m not severely depressed and I’m not completely manic.
I feel like I’m in some sort of limbo.

I suppose the best thing for me is to just go with it. Enjoy it while it lasts…because I have no
idea how long that will be. I have hopes
that I can keep it going all summer, but that’s putting the cart before the
horse. For today, I’ll be grateful for my seemingly expanded consciousness. Now if I could just do something about this
terrible memory! One thing at a time, I suppose.

During my research, I happened upon
some tips for gaining more focus. Many
articles seem to conclude that getting your mood swings under control is the
first step. Here are some others:

Manage your time. Don’t try
to do too much. Say no if you can’t do it.

Lead a healthy lifestyle. Eat a
balanced diet rich in fruits and vegetables and whole grains. Eat only
low-fat meats and poultry. Get regular exercise, which can have both
mental and physical health benefits. Avoid caffeine.

Learn relaxation techniques. These
include breathing exercises, yoga, and massage. Remember to balance
periods of activity with periods of relaxation.

Keep a daily planner. It will
help you to remember appointments and commitments.

Seek support from family and
friends. Spend time talking and listening to each other.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Choose a support group you
can trust to tell you the truth even if it’s not what you want to hear.

Avoid drugs and alcohol. Taking
drugs and alcohol may lessen the effectiveness of your bipolar
medications and lead to potentially dangerous
side effects.

Get in a routine. A daily schedule can add
structure to your life, and structure can help you cope with stress. – www.everydayhealth.com

If you made it
this far, congratulations! You are currently not having trouble concentrating! J

I’ll be grateful
for whatever time I have to check a few things off the list. First and foremost, I need to be
realistic. I wouldn’t be surprised if my
propensity for writing overly-abundant lists actually cause my focus to shift; I’ll
take a closer look at that another time. For now, I have some reading to do!

About Me

I have been happily married to the man of my dreams for 15 years. We have 5 cats that we adore, and a little house that we are renovating. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at 19. It has been a constant struggle in my life, and has caused a great deal of turmoil.

Despite my illness, my husband has stayed by my side and I have learned to grow from my challenges. I am now a published author and my book is available on Amazon!