Greetings once more, readers. All right, I swore I wouldn't touch the
FF7 fanfic section, but after reading so many of the interesting stories
on Icy Brian's page, I just couldn't help myself.

Oh, and in case you haven't figured out by now, this is a parody. A sort
of story which gathers its satire from various subjects, whether it be real
issues, or specific elements I acquire from certain things
*coughcoughotherfanficscough*.

Inspired (to a certain extent) by my friend Black along with other fanfic
writers (who'll probably grill me when this is over), this story takes place
after the party's adventure. In a horribly spat-out explanation, the gang
is slowly adjusting to their lives on the new rebuilt surface of the planet.
We open to the scene where Cloud and Tifa are spending a rather intimate
evening having hot, wild, spine-shattering se cond thoughts about where
to have their picnic the following day. (I have to censor some of this for
the sake of certain zentraedi-like dullards)

"Mmph! Oh Cloud!!" Tifa squealed. She reached up and bit on his ear.

Cloud let out a chuckle. "Come on, Tifa," he said, pushing her away from
such a tender spot. "We'll be doing plenty of eating tomorrow at our picnic.
It'll be fun! Vincent and Yuffie and Nanaki and everyone else will be joining
us!"

"But I don't think they'd be as good as you," the girl pouted. "Before anything,
I want my dessert Cloud pie. Tee hee."

As the couple kissed-

"Couple?" Tifa repeated the word which had been spoken by none other
than the narrator. She pulled away from Cloud with a mixed expression. "Hey,
Cloud "

"Yeah?"

"Why are we making love ly prepared food dishes anyway?"

"'Cause I like you?"

"I thought you liked Aerith."

"You mean Aeris, don't you?"

"Oh yeah Aeris. I thought you liked her too."

"Oh. Well, I liked you first. Filling Zack's shoes was more or less responsible
for my infatuation with her."

"Oh, I see." Tifa got up and walked up to a counter. With a mischievous
expression, she turned around and picked up a long, narrow can. "Hey
Cloud why don't we toss some whipped cream in there too?"

Cloud's eyes widened in horror. "Tifa! That's the most disgusting thing I've
ever-" He stopped in mid-sentence, getting the sudden feeling that had somehow
been stated before. "I mean, you do remember where that's been, don't you?"

Tifa glared at him fiercely. "This is another can, you stupid *&$#!"

Cloud only kept his shocked stare.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Cloud! You know how my temper gets sometimes "

I do? thought Cloud in confusion. "Uh I never knew you had a temper?
Oh well, it's no biggie anyway. And uh you know I'm getting lonely
over here."

Tifa gave him a sympathetic look. "Cloud, you look sad. Do you want a teddy
bear?"

Cloud stared back in disbelief. (for censorship purposes, I can only say
she isn't talking about giving him your basic stuffed animal)

" " Vincent closed his eyes and thought about his long lost
significant other. Either that or the giant meatball sub promised to him
that was mercilessly snatched away from him at the last moment. Either way,
he was feeling pretty down. His eyes narrowed as he remembered his conversation
with Tifa that morning. Damn her and Cloud with their sudden food fetishes
in the bedroom. Now he would have to settle for caviar and a seven-course
lobster dinner, succulently prepared with the finest white wines and Cajun
seasonings.

He frowned again. They'd better not have eaten up all the damn pie either.

"Shut up already, Puffie," Nanaki growled. "You're a total brat even when
you're not around! Why, if Grandpa were here, he's surely teach you a thing
or two-"

"It's 'Yuffie,' Nanakiiiiiiiiii!" she whined in response. "Why do you always
hate me? Have I given you a reason to be so mean? Ever since our adventure
ended, you're constantly putting me down, calling me names, making me feel
so horrid .why?!?!"

"It's because " Nanaki started. "It is they who make me do so."

"Huh? Who?"

"I'm not sure. Ever since our quest ended, it's as though someone's
trying to write the story of my life. And not just one person agh, I
feel so torn. Oh, and by the way, why do you keep calling me Nanaki? You've
always addressed me as Red."

"Umm " Yuffie was lost in thought. "Gawd. I dunno. It feels like someone's
making me or something "

All three stared at each other in uncomfortable silence.

"Okay, we're here!" Tifa called cheerily, standing beside Cloud and an
uncomfortable Barret, who was wondering what the hell made him want to travel
alongside the eccentric-natured couple. She stepped up to her friends,
holding a large basket with a red-and-white checkered cloth poking out of
the front flap.

Nanaki's eyes widened in excitement. "All right! Food!" Without warning,
he reached up to clamp his jaws on the piece of fabric. Yanking it away,
he proceeded to digest it in its entirety.

Tifa's jaw dropped. "Nanaki, you retard! That was the tablecloth for the
picnic!"

Nanaki blinked and stared back at Tifa. "Oh oops. Sorry." He then belched
up a set of handcuffs, not even taking note of their presence, let alone
of their purpose.

"Hey, what the &$#@* is going on here?! I come here expecting a fine
$?@* picnic, and all I $@?* see is you &$#@* having this #$*& retarded
conversation!!!! What the &$#* is wrong with all you
$?@$#@&($@#&$@?($#&@$?@(*?!!??!?!"

"Sorry, Cid!" Yuffie and Nanaki simultaneously shouted in apology. They turned
to the hot-tempered man only to gasp in surprise.

Shera cleared her throat and stepped forward, polishing her glasses. "The
Captain is unable to share his words at this time. Therefore, I speak for
him." Her words took a cold tone.

An uneasy Cid leaned on a cane, wincing in pain and forcing a half-smirk.
He waved weakly to his friends, and limped over to Cloud, pretending all
was dandy.

"Uh, Cid?" Cloud began. "What happened to you?"

"Ungh " Cid groaned, keeping his voice a pained whisper. "I pushed Shera
over the line 'til she pushed her foot in my manhood *#&$@
man, I didn't know she wore a steel-toe!"

Cloud shook his head and sympathetically put a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"Anyway, I have a spare tablecloth here," Shera offered. She reached into
her bag and set the large plain blue material on the grass.

Tifa began to place the contents of the basket onto the cloth, when she stopped.
"Hmm, this is a lot of stuff to take out "

"Want some help?" an ecstatic, familiar voice shot out of nowhere. Aerith
skipped up to the entire group, sporting a rather cheesy grin. "Hey, Tifa,
need any help? Hee hee hee!"

Everyone stared at Aerith in shock not believing their eyes.

"What?" asked Aerith, the smile melting away. Then it clicked in place. "Oh,
I get it. You're all wondering how I was revived and put here. Well, let
me tell ya, hee hee, life in the lifestream is one hell of a-"

"Aerith, I can't believe you're wearing a new dress!" Tifa cried. "I mean,
that pink gown and red cardigan were soooo last season!"

"Well, when you're in the lifestream for that long, phew!" Aerith let out
another exaggerated giggle. "But I'm back, and can't wait to start what I
had going with Cloud! Hee hee hee hee hee!!!!"

A giant shadow loomed over him. "I can be your mommy if you promise
to play nicely with Marlene," Barret offered.

"Hmm " thought Sephy. "Well, okay!" He took Barret's hand, and then
the two pranced off merrily in the distance.

"Oh no! A second comet that no one on this planet would ever have any warning
of soon enough so we could evacuate or something!" Cloud cried, pointing
upward.

Everyone screamed in horror as the planet was quickly obliterated, leaving
only a few strips of land and an escape rocket Cid had conveniently
built prior to the picnic.

As the smoke cleared, Aerith emerged. "And now there is nothing left
of the planet," she said dramatically, as if her words were said at a precise
or meaningful moment. "Everyone is dead."

"Not me," Yuffie spoke. "And that's weird 'cause for some reason everyone
wants me dead. Gawd, I just never understand it. You steal someone's materia
just one time, and then suddenly everyone's branded you for life. For crying
out loud, it's not as if " She went on and on.

" ."

"Wha?" Aerith was stunned. "You and Vinny are still alive? Well, let's escape!
There's nothing left for us here now!"

"Yeah, that's true," Yuffie agreed. She then scuffed her shoe on the ground.
"Not even one lousy piece of materia hidden in Tifa's funbags. I guess she
was all real." She let out a disappointed sigh.

"Hey Yuffie, wanna get hitched?" Vincent suddenly said for no reason at all.
"I-I mean, you know, no one else left, planet blew up and all "

"Okay then! Let's go!" Yuffie grabbed Vincent's hand and the two hopped in
the rocket and flew off to the next inhabitable planet and got married, where
Aerith somehow found a way to join them there as well. And they all lived
happily ever after until the comet turned right back around and killed
everybody except for Yuffie.

THE END

Oops, no, wait. Vincent survived too. At least, long enough to travel
with his new wife to the next world and populate it with a bunch of little
Yuffies, who married a bunch of other people in that world, so that Yuffie
would always live on. YUFFIE FOREVER!!!

***

Thanks to Black for inspiring me with his story, "Every Single RPG and RPG
Crossover in Existence." And also thanks to some Kighr person who graced
us with his spirited, well-stated comeback, a certain Lavos Core and almost
every FF7 author on this page for their (involuntary) contributions and ideas.
Hope no one is too mad at this parody.