"If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy."

I had forgotten all about this but speaking to an old friend on the telephone the other day I was reminded of it. It gave me a laugh and I hope it amuses you, too.

A few years ago there was this person who latched on to me and proved, shall we say, somewhat tenacious in his effort to attach himself to me. Like a bull terrier that refuses to unlock it's jaws on a bone.

He was your typical, scruffy druggie. A useless smackhead wastrel who was always trying to mooch off me.

One day in a bar I was arranging a Sunday dinner for a group of friends at my home. This druggie was at the table but obviously not invited.

However, predictably he had absorbed the information and on the following Sunday when we were all seated around the table sure enough there was a knock at the door. These sort of people have a knock, don't they? You just know it's them.

I let him in but did not allow him at the table. I told him to sit in the corner until we had finished dinner.

Now, I am not completely without mercy and would hate to see a man go hungry.

I announced to all "anything you don't want give to the dog."

And then proceeded to toss scraps across the room at the uninvited guest with "There you go, little dog."

Such mirth.

Any such stories to share for our merriment?

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"u.v.ray blends the dark street poetry of Nelson Algren with the swagger and style of a young Iggy Pop."

I'd chime in with something, but I think everyone else will be hard pressed to compete with that story.

I am definitely not afraid to let people know they are unwelcome in my house. I had an idiot from work trying to convince me "I am a great singer, I want to sing in your band!" so I had him over to see if he possessed any talent...sure enough, just as the excuse had come before by other monkeys, it was just a way to "hang out" somewhere for a night.

He brought his own beer, and was drinking, and getting loud. I told him politely that if he didn't do his best to shut his mouth real quick, that he wouldn't be finishing his beer at my house. After a few more, my cat went up to greet him (the devil only knows why...she never wastes time on ingrates generally.) and what does the fuck-head do? Kicks her into a table.

I grabbed him by the shoulder, dragged his drunken ass to the door, and told him not to come back. And he hasn't.

Last time I saw him he told me he had spent all of his money on "Salvia" and he had some very nasty "cold-sores" on his mouth. He also told me of a girl he is trying to "get with" who is, consequently, 17. (He is 30.) Not to mention the gunman who is currently chasing him around town, apparently.

My cat wins...all she does is eat, shit and sleep. Quite a lot more going for her then there is for him.

I have a great story.....I have made mention of it here long ago, but here goes....

We were having a party here in Indianapolis, (one that got a wee bit out of control and involved a famous rock star) however...

We were all watching some porno video or whatnot on the Televisionwhile others were getting pierced in the Kitchen. (I got My cheek piercing that day which made it in a magazine). Hurt like Hell but I was proud of it. (Right there in the dimple of My left cheek.)

In any event, there was this one nobody named Mike at the party. A fat weirdo. (I don't dislike heavy people just the WEIRD ones!)

It might interest one to know that I have Lane Bryant catalogs!

I don't know how he got invited (maybe he didn't) but he was there and he was a pain in the arse. Talk talk talk.....none stop! Talking about pizza, about stupid things like that.

I was on the couch watching well....anyway I was sitting with My husband, and a gal named Lee (who was shaved bald) she used to smoke crack with another popular rock star (still is). I didn't talk to Lee. Lee looked like Uncle Fester.

So......this guy Mike wants to know if We are 'Satanist'. Of course most were NOT, but Alex...... Alex liked to play games with people.

He said but of course. Michael wanted to join the 'coven' (Eve smiles).

So, a Ritual was conducted in the basement of Alex's house.

A pentagram was drawn on the concrete floor and everyone held hands. Candles blazed.

Mike was in the center of the Pentagram.

We had him repeat these words:

"Mecca lecca high, Mecca hiney ho!" (Which he did). Then We had him repeat the ancient words: "Mecca lecca high Mecca Choney ho!"

(Which He did).

If anyone here is a fan of Pee Wee's Playhouse (which I am) you can understand how hilarious this had to have been.

By the way I own the whole Pee Wee's Playhouse VHS box set and all of the toys that were put out on the market. I even have a talking Pee Wee doll.

So.....after this happened.....things got a bit strange. The guy Mike went upstairs, said he was possessed by the Devil and cut himself. The Rock Star punched this girl in the nose.

I left. Too much drama for Me, however, I'll never forget that dork repeating those Pee Wee Playhouse words from Jombie.

He's probably in a gutter somewhere at this point or in a mental ward.

I once made an extreme left lesbian, which is a coworker of my roomate, sit through the Bullshit episode about Mother Theresa, Ghandi and the Dalai Lama. It made her cry. Still doesn't top your story though.

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"If a man empties his purse into his head no one can take it away from him. An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest." -Benjamin Franklin