See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?Will RogersTo his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that [blip] squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The doctor, after a thorough examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting."Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

After three martinis, mother and daughter were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, but you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those women sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is "Putting Your Affairs In Order"!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good Morning Boomers, even though it is last night here, haha. I just want to tell you it pleased me so much to make other people smile. This is especially for Ana, Nan and L4L. That is just about the best feeling in the world!! I am really trying to send Spring your way everyone..enough with the snow and rains!! I may be back later but am wishing everyone who comes in after me....a wonderful day and Happy Gaming!!!

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LotusLife is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

Good morning Joe,Ana,Lotus,Haroula Joe the Bored husband one was great Haroula enjoy visit with your parents,coffee is ready it's suppose to be in the 60's today I'll just have to wait and see Enjoy the day everybody

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I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Good Morning Joe, Ana, Lotus777, Haroula and Cailyn. Joe you keep me smiling! Ana hope you get to relax a little today. Lotus wishing you a happy day. Haroula have a great visit with your family. Cailyn I hope you feel the warmth of the sun day. Enjoy your day everyone!

Good morning everyone. Bank and BJ's are on today's agenda. The pets need food. To all here and all who follow, have a Super Hump day. My sis is coming next week for a short visit. I haven't seen her in several years. Danish, Omelets, and Waffles in the NC.

Good morning everyone..ahhh, nothing like starting the day at the diner .. and I must admit I've had to install a seat belt to keep me from rolling on the floor when reading Joe's openers .. have a great day everyone .. with any luck spring will keep sprunging and before you know it, summer will be here! I'm off to work .. take care.

Whoosh...

L4L .. CUL8R

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To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music

Good morning all! 3-weeks left on my "Vacation". Fortunately I have some time with this computer and have been able to play Jewel Quest with it. I miss my computer and am missing Morrowind. When I get released I'm going to install Morrowind and bash some heads and zap some people who deserve it!

It's kinda grey out there. We have rain coming in, and Keoki has an ear recheck at the vet so we'll be out and about for a bit. We'll have to see if we can get a walk in after the appointment but before the rain.

Joe, love the sun. Thanks.

Ana, hope the appointment and the corner go quickly.

Lotus, I'll join you in trying to send some Spring to those in need. We are having a wonderful one so far.

Haroula, do you clean like mad before your folks get there? I clean like a crazy woman when someone is coming. How long will they stay. Happy Easter tomorrow!

Sue, enjoy your 60's.

Gerry, what is up for you today?

Connie, is you sis coming just for a visit? How long is she staying?

Gail, what is fun on your agenda today?

Soot

Sharon, hope you are soon happily whacking bad guys!

Happy Skooshing Darlene

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"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole." -Roger Caras