Jerry Hayes

Porkers, pints and how Bozo defies the laws of gravitas

14 May 2016 at 12:00

I really cannot understand how the Brexiteers can get away with telling such obvious porkers. It is bordering on a national scandal. And talking of porkers I suppose I should regard it as vaguely amusing that Bozo has been relegated to touring the country in a scarlet Blunderbus whilst his supporters claim that this will reinforce his image as a serious politician. Yes, I know, I nearly wet my self just writing that. Haven’t they noticed that the Emperor is stark bollock naked? Has it ever occurred to them that he defies the laws of gravitas? Or maybe they think that posing as a Hannibal Lecter tribute with scary mask and waving a grinder is Prime Ministerial. Maybe the grinder was a subtle image to woo the gay community. Or maybe not. The moment he wrote about them as ‘tank topped bum boys’ perhaps removed him from the Pink Paper Christmas card list.

There is no doubt that Bozo has an impressive intellect, but he is just too lazy to use it. Maybe it is the old saying that the Almighty gave us enough blood to service the brain and a penis; but not necessarily at the same time has some traction here. So the circus is coming to town. Bozo flourishing a pasty. Bozo brandishing a bunch of asparagus. Bozo tossing his well licked ice cream like a medieval jousting favour to a pensioner. Bozo running naked through Whitehall with a German sausage up his bottom. Well, I made the last one up. But……..

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention Bozo’s pint pulling of tribute ale stunt. Did anyone tell him that the brewery received £50k of EU money to set up a bottling line?

Now back to the Porkers. The Blunderbus screams in big black letters that we pay £350 per week to the EU. They know that this is untrue as the Statistics Office has told them. This is based on a bogus figure relied on by Michael Gove that we shell out £18 billion per year to Brussels, which is £2 billion below what Farage and his cronies claim. So what is the plain unvarnished truth? The IFS produced figures that over the last 5 years our average payment was £12.7bn gross of which £5bn was given to farmers and other grants. Last year it was £11bn of which £5 bn we got back in grants. Why are the Brexiteers allowed to get away with such dishonesty?

And now in a state of panic they are playing the migrant card. They claim that 76 million Turks will have rights of entry to Britain. Wrong. The German deal only applies to the Shengen area. Then they suggest that migrants are taking advantage of our benefits system. Wrong. HMRC released figures showing that EU migrants account for £3.1bn of tax and receive £500m of in work benefits. Now they claim that the Living wage is a pull factor for the young migrants. Wrong. 40% of them are under 25 so it doesn’t apply.

I could destroy whole rain forests outlining every single whopper these people peddle. And anyone who dares say anything to the contrary is either biased, put up to it, or part of some elite club. The howls of outrage were deafening when Mark Carney and the MPC warned that a Brexit would result in higher unemployment and a recession. And the IMF had been ‘pressurised’ by the Treasury to warn of the dangers. Have any of them met the formidable Madame Legarde?

But I did have a brief moment of joy this week when I saw a clip of Mathew Elliott being summoned to the Treasury select committee. It is great television. Andrew Tyrie just looked at him as if he was something that he had just had the misfortune to discover on the sole of his shoe. ‘Just why did you think it was more important to fly over to meet Swiss politicians rather than give evidence to your own Parliament?’ This went on to nearly ten minutes until the smug smile of Elliott vanished into a grimace. I thought that the boy was going to be sick. And who was the blond Arian child sitting next to him who looked as if he was in urgent need of a nappy change?