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When my boys arrived at my parents farm on Dec 26, they realized they had forgotten my xmas present. 13 had also forgotten his elastics for his braces.

I told them since it was still two days until The Princess was leaving for her Cuban fuckfest (possibly paraphrased), they should text her and ask her to mail them to my apartment. So they did. The next day, she said that she mailed everything.

Nothing has arrived yet. Just a few minutes ago, before she came to get them, 13 brought this up. He kept his eyes on his shoes as he said, "She must have been lying."

10 said, "Mom wouldn't lie about something like that, would she?"

13 was just quiet. No response.

I haven't told them she cheated - and she won't even admit she did - so there has obviously been something in their recent experience to prompt this.

I've gotten very good at pretending conversations about her just aren't happening, but I'm not sure if there is anything I should be addressing here. Should I ask 13 about this next time they're here?

Me: 47
Two sons: Born 2000 and 2003
Cheating louse: What's her name again?

Married Aug/95
DDay Nov/12
Separated Mar/13
Finally divorced Jul/17

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!

Posts: 3407 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada

ruby44♀ 41135Member # 41135

Posted: 6:26 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014

Its a sad day when the kids realize that their parent is a liar. Mine did too. more sad then angry but very angry too. Especially when he lies about wanting to see them and I won't let him. So sorry for what your boys are going thru. My oldest knows about dad's affair because he was less than discreet when they were visiting him at his apartment. She is so disappointed in him but fortunately, we are close to grandpas and uncles that are great role models for her. I hope she finds a husband the exact opposite of her dad.
As for your question, I always ask if they have any questions and if they do they find me and ask. I promised them I would be truthful. So so sorry. It is a difficult lesson for our innocent kids.

Me BW 52, Him WH 48
Married 13 years,
2 DDs (12 and 10)
D-Day Confirmed 10/24/13 suspected before that but did not want to believe it.
WH filed for D 11/12/13
2/8/14 WH asked if he could come home.

Posts: 277 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Midwest

careerlady♀ 16958Member # 16958

Posted: 6:34 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014

Poor DSes. That's amazing that DS13 would put it that way. Talking with them about it at the time would probably be fine, but after the fact might feel like "pumping". Just make sure they know they can talk to you about anything.

Good point, CL. The Princess was going to arrive any minute, so I gave the safe-ish response of "I can't imagine why she would lie about that", but now I worry that I may have seemed to invalidate 13's feelings.

[This message edited by pass at 6:38 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

Me: 47
Two sons: Born 2000 and 2003
Cheating louse: What's her name again?

Married Aug/95
DDay Nov/12
Separated Mar/13
Finally divorced Jul/17

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!

Posts: 3407 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada

Pass♂ 38122Member # 38122

Posted: 6:40 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014

Ruby, 13 has already told me multiple times (unsolicited) that he feels he can talk to me about anything - and does he ever! So I feel as though I've definitely left the door open.

Me: 47
Two sons: Born 2000 and 2003
Cheating louse: What's her name again?

Married Aug/95
DDay Nov/12
Separated Mar/13
Finally divorced Jul/17

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!

Posts: 3407 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada

Amazonia♀ 32810Member # 32810

Posted: 6:42 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014

Are they in counseling? This is stuff they should be talking with a counselor about. It keeps you out of the middle and still allows them to process.

"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 14441 | Registered: Jul 2011

Pass♂ 38122Member # 38122

Posted: 7:04 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014

Hey Ama,

Unfortunately, I only have my boys on the weekends, so I am unable to take them to counselling. The Princess thinks she can handle it on her own, since she is a teacher, and trained as a guidance counsellor.

Of course, they don't fucking talk to her!

Me: 47
Two sons: Born 2000 and 2003
Cheating louse: What's her name again?

Married Aug/95
DDay Nov/12
Separated Mar/13
Finally divorced Jul/17

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!

Posts: 3407 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada

imwideawake♀ 23386Member # 23386

Posted: 7:09 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014

You know how we tell each other to trust our gut here? Your DS13 was listening to his when he looked down. As the mother of my children, with all the lessons I've learned, I acknowledge, affirm and tell my girls to trust their gut when ever possible. I'm sorry that your children's mother is a liar. I am sorry for them. All of our kids have that same realization to make one day.

They will probably ask her about it and may talk to you next weekend about what she said. So be ready. Be ready to explain the different reasons that people lie. Specifically, that some people wished they had done something so they tell themselves and others that they did do it to make themselves feel better. And make sure that you emphasize that lying is never acceptable and that you will not tolerate lying in your home.

Good luck!

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17695 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)

PurpleBirch♀ 39170Member # 39170

Posted: 7:19 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014

Ugh. When you mentioned that the Princess had two weeks off over Christmas break I wondered if she was a teacher... Even if she's been trained as a guidance counselor, that doesn't mean that she's the best person to talk to the boys (who as you say won't talk to her about this). There's a reason why medical practitioners aren't supposed to treat family members... Objectivity. Ugh. Your poor boys.

New chapter of my life- married 11/13/15 to the man I'd thought I would never find.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.

Posts: 443 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas

BAB61♀ 41181Member # 41181

Posted: 8:59 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014

Do your boys go to the school that she works in? If not, call the school and speak to the nurse. A guidance counselor is not the same thing as a counselor. Let the nurse know about the divorce (you don't need to go into detail) ask the nurse if there is a program that they could avail themselves of a trained counselor.

Exactly what I was thinking! She lied to me for years, and probably lies to herself to justify all her actions throughout our marriage. Why would I expect her to NOT lie to our kids?

I ended up texting 13 about his comment last night. I assured him that I'm not digging for nasty things to say about his mom, but that I was just wondering if there was a reason for it, and if he wanted to share it with me. He said he was joking.

I'm sure that's a dodge (having used it many times when I was a teenager), but have left it alone. I told him that he can talk, or text, me about it any time.

Fuck! Her infidelity is just the gift that keeps on giving.

Me: 47
Two sons: Born 2000 and 2003
Cheating louse: What's her name again?

Married Aug/95
DDay Nov/12
Separated Mar/13
Finally divorced Jul/17

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!

Posts: 3407 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada

Nature_Girl♀ 32554Member # 32554

Posted: 9:47 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014

Perhaps she's already spun it to the kids that you are the cheater. Or maybe she's spun it that you are divorcing because you want to be happy & don't care about the kids. 'Cuz, you know, the shit that comes out of her mouth is an awful lot like the shit that comes out of my ex's mouth.

Perhaps she's already spun it to the kids that you are the cheater. Or maybe she's spun it that you are divorcing because you want to be happy & don't care about the kids. 'Cuz, you know, the shit that comes out of her mouth is an awful lot like the shit that comes out of my ex's mouth.

Wow, NG, your ex did that? I would totally lose my shit. I don't even know what I would do.

Be prepared.

How would you be prepared if you were me?

Me: 47
Two sons: Born 2000 and 2003
Cheating louse: What's her name again?

Married Aug/95
DDay Nov/12
Separated Mar/13
Finally divorced Jul/17

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!