Flatline Skin Care

April 1, 2017

3 minute read

Flatline Skin Care

Something a little different from me today – this AMAZING brand! I can’t really say it better than the brand, so I’m quoting directly from the release. And, in case you’re wondering why there are no images – it’s all super secret til launch.

“At Flatline, we firmly believe that your life shouldn’t be reflected on your face. We all make mistakes, but no woman should have to pay for those mistakes forever. Our range of 7 wonder-working, miracle products will ensure your secret life of sin stays exactly that!”

Flatline Smile Damage Eraser.

“We bet you wish you hadn’t done all that smiling now! You have to ask yourself if the good times were really worth it. Our super-charged happiness slayer kills those tell-tale lines dead and will literally erase the joy from your face.”

Flatline Sun Shame Dissolver.

“Let us take care of your shame! Remember that awesome girl’s trip you took when you left college? When you bonded in bikinis, had a few too many Sangrias, made life-long buddies and stayed a while too long in the sun? What friends are worth the shame now? None, right! Our Shame Dissolver eradicates every freckle and every age spot so nobody will guess you ever even went outdoors.”

Flatline Dull Skin Scandal Killer.

“Career gals – we’re looking at you! Don’t tell us you’re not now regretting all those late nights studying for a degree or working flat out at the office. Because we know that there IS no career worth losing your dewy, fresh skin for, our formulators have developed Dull Skin Scandal Killer to make you look like you never worked a day in your life! We know – you can thank us later!”

Flatline Forehead Forgiver.

“You’ve been sad and now everybody knows it because nothing says ‘avoid-the-sad-person’ like a frown. You might as well carry a placard saying ‘I’m a misery – don’t sit with me’. Forehead Forgiver does exactly what it says on the tin – forgives those high concentration moments, that silly crying and those tragic life events that cause the ultimate beauty sin. We promise, after 10 days use, that there will be no signs of life in that ugly frown area.”

Flatline Dark Circle Death Certificate.

“It’s not like you weren’t warned! But you went ahead and had that baby anyway. Babies are to skin what sugar is to teeth – 100% bad! We’ll sign off on those horrible exhaustion bags with our clinically proven formula, ten years in the making!”

Flatline Massive Pore Putrifyer.

“Nothing says old like a pot-holed road – that’s our mantra here at Flatline! We think you’ll agree. You didn’t stay off the wine, you didn’t get your 8 hours and you neglected your circulation by not taking that daily exercise class. But we’re all about the forgiveness here and if your skin looks like you’ve lived a bit – Pore Putrifyer will sort it right out!”

Flatline Droop Destroyer.

“You’re saggy! And you know you only have yourself to blame. Let us blast away those folds of shame and tighten back the time with an advanced formula that will leave you youthfully taut and significantly more attractive. It’s the proven science we’re most proud of here at Flatline!”

So, I think you’ll join me in wanting to get your hands on this life-erasing range! I know I can’t wait to look like I haven’t lived at all! Wishing you a happy first of the month.

*all products are sent to me as samples from brands and agencies unless otherwise stated. Affiliate links may be used. Posts are not affiliate driven.

As soon as I saw the headline and the preview sentence, I knew this had to be an April Fool- only because I’ve read this blog for too long to think you would say a brand was ‘AMAZING’ straight away without reviewing the pros and cons for readers :p

Laughed at those descriptions though and probably wouldn’t mind some of them..!