Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Fantasy Golf: The Heritage Preview/Masters Hangover

The RBC Heritage Favorites

"Excuse me stewardess . . . is this the RBC Heritage Preview?"

1. Jordan Spieth - 11/22. Zach Johnson - 16/13. Jim Furyk - 18/14. Matt Kuchar - 20/15. Patrick Reed - 20/16. Ian Poulter - 22/17. Webb Simpson - 28/18. Louis Oosthuizen - 28/19. Luke Donald - 28/110. Brandt Snedeker - 30/1The FGR RBC Heritage Picks1. Patrick Reed2. Webb Simpson3. Ben Martin4. Matt Kuchar5. Brandt SnedekerThe One and Done Pick: Patrick ReedThe Sleeper Pick: Boo WeekleyStripes is to the funniest movie ever debate what The Who are to the greatest rock band of all-time debate. No one would argue with any great conviction that either of them is number one but, at the same time, no one is going to scoff at you for throwing Stripes into the discussion with Caddyshack, Animal House, Airplane and Blazing Saddles in the same way that no one would laugh at you for recognizing The Who as being within range of The Rolling Stones, The Beatles and Led Zeppelin.* There may not be a more subjective debate than funniest movie of all-time but those I just listed would be my top five in some order followed by a second five that would includeThis Is Spinal Tap, Step Brothers, There's Something About Mary, Trading Places and The Blues Brothers.** At some point, this needs to be it's own FGR piece where we lay down some ground rules. For example, movies made before 1964 (when Dr. Strangelove was released) do not count. I really tried to watch Some Like it Hot which is regarded as one of the greatest comedies of all-time but couldn't even sit through it much less laugh at it. Charlie Chaplin and the Marx Brothers were geniuses but please don't look at me with a straight face and tell me you laughed more watching The Gold Rush than you did watching Blazing Saddles. And if you did, please God let me get eaten by a shark before spending more than twenty minutes alone with you in a lifeboat.

"Well that hurts reader and I don't think I wantto take your abuse. And I know that I don't want to write about your golf tournament."

(Speaking of lifeboats, will the tides be carrying us anywhere near the freakin' game of golf before this is over?) Well as you know, the plot of Stripes revolves around Bill Murray's character, John Winger, joining the Army as an act of total desperation because he got fired from his job and his girlfriend just dumped him. Now watch this scene and tell me that the point when he slumps to the floor after getting the door slammed in his face doesn't perfectly capture how felt when the Masters coverage ended ("and then depression set in").If you want to stretch the analogy a bit further, then the moment Winger desperately looks into his girlfriend's eyes and says "I need you" (1:35 mark) is the movie's painful equivalent of the Butler Cabin lobotomy we sit through every year because we're not yet ready to accept the fact that we won't get to see a real live meaningful shot on the 12th hole for what seems like an eternal 360 days. We just can't let go so every year we voluntarily watch Jim Nantz conduct interviews so awkward that they make Frost/Nixon look like Fallon/Timberlake.*** And then it's over. All of the international players split along with Phil, Tiger and Bubba like they have jobs and families while we have nothing better to do but drink until dawn and then (riding this Stripes theme into the ground) go join the Army to turn our lives around. That's what the RBC Heritage feels like. It's a fine golf tournament and there is no shame in watching it just as there is certainly no shame in serving your country but, when it's your last resort, it kind of takes a bit of the patriotism out of it. We just need to remember that good things are on the horizon because, in just a couple of months, we'll be razzle dazzling them on the parade ground (U.S. Open), rescuing our platoon from a Czechoslovakian military base (British Open) and then returning to a hero's welcome with a martini in our hand (PGA Championship). And then, before we know it, we'll be bathing in the splendor of the Par 3 Contest again with past champions chunking shots into the ponds and five year old kids dragging putters across greens that we'd give one of our cojones to play. Hey you know what? I'm feeling better already. Thanks sarcasm. You're always there when I need you. Oh yeah, we're picking Patrick Reed because he's the best player in the field not named "Jordan Spieth" and unfortunately that's all the time we have this week. Last Week's Report Card: B+

Grown Ups 2 serves two vital functions for the FGR: (1) It is the gold standard for awful sell-out movies and (2) Selma Hayek was one of the sell-outs.

Footnotes* Considering the thoroughly self-serving nature of
the Fantasy Golf Report, it should come as no surprise that Stripes is
my favorite comedy and The Who is my favorite band. If you don't like
it, go watch the Golf Channel. I think Brandel Chamblee's favorites are Grown
Ups 2 and Nickelback.

** A long honorable mention list would include Old School, Sixteen
Candles, Little Miss Sunshine, The Jerk, Planes, Trains and Automobiles,
History of the World: Part 1, Get Him to the Greek, Napolean Dynamite, The
Other Guys, I Love You Man, The Naked Gun, Austin Powers - The Spy Who Shagged
Me, Office Space and Superbad. This list by collegehumor.com isn't
bad if you just look at it as a compilation and ignore the order because
putting Animal House and Caddyshack behind Zoolander and Happy
Gilmore is a travesty of comedic justice.

*** I originally had Johnny Carson and Steve Martin in that spot but then it
occurred to me that I might want to drag this column out of 1978 and into the
21st century.