Thoughts on Oscar...

Every year I churn out one of these little
dopey Oscar columns that attempts to recap the highlights and lowlights of the show, all
with some biting (?) insight from yours truly. I was getting a bit bored with the format
however and wanted to do something different this year. You'll even notice that I
didn't bother with predictions. I realized how bad I am at it, so I figured why
bother? Instead I set out to compile an "Oscar diary" that would have
me checking in with thoughts and specific times. Would've looked something like -
9:32 - Oh. My. God. A homeless violin playing weirdo is dancing a jig onstage.
They actually let this guy in the Oscars? What happened to all the security
is the tightest it's ever been crap?! - But I got pretty bored with that
idea really quickly. The baby was sick and crying like a drunken Halle Berry, I was
getting tired and after a while, I would just forget to write stuff down. I'd turn to my
wife and say stuff like "I think Helen Hunt got a facelift," and she's like
"Why aren't you writing that down?" (Only after she agreed about Helen Hunt. We
were just watching CAST AWAY on Friday and her face had more wrinkles than a Shar Pei.) So
I scrapped that plan but now I have about two pages worth of notes that I scribbled down.
So here, in absolutely no particular format (this is like the rambling Larry King style),
are my thoughts on Oscar night.

(First of and most importantly) BOOBAGE
Jennifer Connelly sent her flat-chested, not-as-hot twin sister to the Oscars last night
while she stayed home and ate popcorn with Ang Lee. This was NOT the same girl from A
BEAUTIFUL MIND.

Where was the girl on the left last night?

Someone should've reminded Gwyneth to wear a bra. Her boobs were flopping
this way and that.

I have a newfound respect for Ethan Hawke after seeing what Uma Thurman's
lugging around these days. It looked like she was smuggling two casaba melons under that
dress. OK, before this turns into a column turns into a copy of Maxim, I'm moving
on to the nitty-grit...

THE SHOW
Not bad not bad. Producers were wise to keep Whoopi on a short leash. They didn't let
her go off and steer the show into the ground (although the "black" jokes were
getting very old, very quickly). In fact, she didn't really have a lot to do (thank God).
At first, I thought the montages were kinda cool (the Tom Cruise introed "Why
I Love Movies" I thought was very well done) but towards the end, I was feeling a
little alright already.

I was a little pissed that Chuck Jones was kinda glossed over in the
"In Memoriam" tribute.

Where did John Travolta and Sharon Stone park their spaceship? And who
invited Sharon Stone anyway? I didn't even think she was in show business anymore. I can't
wait to see her in twenty years when her transformation into Norma Desmond from SUNSET
BLVD is complete. For now, she should just go back to the beach she's washed up on.

What a happy couple!

How awkward was the official pre-show on ABC? If you were watching Joan
Rivers (Who gave me the biggest laugh when she told Julia Roberts she reminded her of
daughter Melissa. I think all that Botox is seeping into her brain.) and missed it, here's kinda what it
went like:

ANANDA:
(can't hear a word she's saying cause her microphone doesn't work but she's
walking on the Hollywood Walk of Fame)

The unintentional comedy rating was very high on this one.

First channel surf occurred at 8:56pm. Found PORKY'S on Encore and
couldn't help but laugh at the polar opposites. PORKY'S or Oscars? PORKY'S or
Oscars?

Yawn #1 took place at exactly 9:52pm.

How about we just get Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson to host the awards next
year? I don't think I've ever laughed that hard (on purpose) while watching the Academy
Awards. Even Donald Sutherland got in a good line with Ben and Owen when he was announcing
them - Owen Wilson, who's nominated for an Academy Award tonight and Ben
Stiller who's not. Speaking of Donald Sutherland and Glenn Close, I
thought they did a good job, handled flubs well, but couldn't help but feel bad for them
that they were stuck back in that booth.

I had no idea what Enya looked like before last night. Not quite
what I had expected. I'm not sure what I expected to be truthful, but that wasn't
it.

Didn't Jennifer Lopez look like one of the blonde bimbos from ANIMAL HOUSE
with that hairdo?

That boy is a P-I-G, PIG!

Woman can be so catty. Only Renee Zellweger showed the slightest signs of
happiness when Halle Berry won. I thought lightning bolts were going to shoot out of
Nicole Kidman's eyes and zap Halle on stage. I got the feeling that she and Judi
Dench and Sissy Spacek would be backstage with a sack full of pennies getting ready to
whomp her over the head and run off with the Oscar. Speaking of Renee, I love her to
pieces and I hate to get all Joan Rivers but....isn't there something she
could've done about the shine on her face? Like a little powder or whatever?

I don't like Woody Allen but I thought his speech was pretty funny last
night. It also made me think about how every single person can do a Woody Allen
impersonation. It's probably the easiest voice in the world to copy. I also
thought about how much Jason Alexander/George Costanza owes to Woody.

Good for Randy Newman. I did find it a little odd that the only
thing they could say about him when he walked up onstage was that he provided the voice of
the Burning Bush in THE THREE AMIGOS. Never in a million years did I think I'd hear
mentions of both THE THREE AMIGOS and ERNEST GOES TO JAIL at the Oscars.

WINNERS
When Russell Crowe announced Halle Berry had won, I was genuinely happy for her. Then she
started talking. And I suddenly didn't feel happy anymore. I tried my damnedest to send
Russell Crowe psychic messages to go snatch it back out of her hands with a Simpsons-esque
YOINK! and give it to somebody else. Her's had to have been one of the clunkiest
acceptance speeches of all time. I know you're saying she was just overcome by the
emotions but c'mon. Sell that shit to the tourists. Get a grip on yourself. I kept
thinking of that scene in AIRPLANE where the people are lined up to smack some sense into
that irrational woman.

Looking back, can anyone deny that Denzel's was the strongest performance?
Russell Crowe (as much as I don't like the guy) was solid in ABM, but Denzel just edged
him out. Simple. Not a black or white thing, but he really was the better actor this year.
I would've liked to have seen him acknowledge the other nominees though. I
think that's a pretty classy thing to do and in light of the nasty campaign, would've made
for a nice gesture. In a somewhat related note, considering her obvious cheerleading
for Denzel, I don't think Julia Roberts and Russell Crowe are doing a movie anytime soon.
Aren't presenters supposed to try and remain objective?

I know I'm risking a possible LOTR uprising here, but I can't really
complain about A BEAUTIFUL MIND taking Best Picture. You've got to admit - not only
is a good movie, it's your typical Oscar movie. There should've been no doubts this
one was gonna take it. Worse things have happened in Oscar history...
*cough*shakespeareinlove*cough*.

LOSERS
Here's another excerpt from my Oscar "meeting minutes:"

11:37 - MEMENTO just lost to GOSFORD PARK for Best Original Screenplay.
11:37:30 - Too much injustice in this world. Packing my bags to go live in on the
moon. Maybe John Travolta and Sharon Stone can give me a lift.

Poor LOTR fans. I don't think many of them held out realistic hope
that the film was winning the top prize but Sir Ian was easily the frontrunner to win Best
Supporting Actor. But following in its tradition of rewarding new talent (i.e., last
year's Marcia Gay Harden), the Academy gave the trophy to Jim Broadbent for IRIS.
Online this morning was the internet equivalent of riots, beatings, lootings, brick
hurlings, turning over cars and more mass violence as spurned LOTR fans revolt to protest.
The four minutes of TWO TOWERS footage added this weekend should help ease things
over.

OSCAR MYSTERIES
Is Cameron Diaz on crack? Can we get her help?

Love that Joker!

Who let Sharon Stone in?! (I can't let this go )

Where did Will Smith go when they were doing the Best Actor nominees? All
they had was this headshot of Will cheesing like a yearbook picture. Granted his chances
of winning were about equal with my chances of talking Charlize Theron and Naomi Watts (my
two new favorite girls) into a threeway, but still hang around. Look
interested. Apparently he left after his work as a presenter was done and ABC
claimed he had "personal matters" to attend to. Maybe he finally realized
he was married to Jada Pinkett and beat foot over to the courthouse to fill out the
necessary paperwork.

Three's Company with Charlize, Naomi and me

How did a "Survivor" contestant get
to be one of those Oscar ushers?

Where were all the seat-fillers this year?
Hollywood's strangest job apparently has its workers on strike. At any given
moment, the camera would pan over the audience and there was a bevy of empties peppering
the auditorium.

CONCLUSION
So in conclusion, although JoBlo panned it with a big-ass thumbs down, I'm going out on a
limb to say it wasn't all THAT bad. My only gripe would be that it was too long but
complaining that the Oscars is long is like complaining that booze gives you a
hangover. It comes with the territory. Coolio once said "if you can't
stand the heat, get your ass out the kitchen." Wise words. A definite
step in the right direction and not an altogether awful evening.

p.s. - sorry for the delay on this but there
were problems uploading the images to the server. Otherwise this would've been up a
long time ago...