What Men Really Want

Three keys to a strong marriage.

It's not complicated. What men really want from their wives is appreciation, respect and love.

"He wants to be her hero. When she is disappointed and unhappy over anything, he feels like a failure," says relationship expert John Gray. "Many women today don't realize how vulnerable men are and how much they need love too."

This concept is echoed in Jewish tradition. Rabbi Yisroel Miller writes in his book, In Search of the Jewish Woman, about "three immensely practical secrets, secrets known to all men and almost no women. Here they are:

Compliments a wife gives her husband hit home deeply.

A wife's opinion of her husband is vitally important to him.

A husband desires desperately that his wife should be happy."

Appreciation, respect and love. Does your husband get nagging, criticism and resentment instead?

APPRECIATION

Do you welcome your husband at the end of the day, or greet him with a barrage of complaints? "You forgot to take out the garbage." "Take your children -- I can't stand it another minute."

Does he respond with "You didn't take my suit to the cleaners"? "Dinner isn't ready"?

It's not about who has what job; it's about attitude. "If you treat him like a king, he will treat you like a queen." (Menorat HaMaor)

How about this instead? "Thanks for bathing the kids tonight." Or: "Picking up dinner was a big help." Don't take for granted that these are his jobs and he should just do them. And (this is the really difficult one!) try to focus on the tasks he did accomplish and not on the long list of the jobs left undone!

How many stories have I heard of stay-at-home moms whose husbands' hard work has permitted them to make that choice, but who frequently greet him with bitterness rather than gratitude? Are all the frustrations in our lives our husbands' faults?

Your husband is not an irritation, another demand on your already overbooked time. Appreciation means giving him the focus of your undivided attention at some point, every day, even if it's only for 20 minutes.

RESPECT

Let your husband know you're proud of him. "You handled that client very skillfully," "You were so patient with Joey tonight" (when I was at my wits' end and ready to throw him in bed around 4:15!), "You dealt with that crisis at school so diplomatically" (sparing me from screaming at the principal, the administrator and a few choice teachers!).

So many men slog it out, day after day and it's never good enough. Their pain is palpable. They want that love and respect so badly that they keep trying despite the lack of positive reinforcement. They're acting like servants, but certainly not being treated like kings…

Yes, of course, there are situations where it's reversed. I know women who try with lack of response. I know women who are the victims of repeated criticisms and abuse. Don't get me wrong: I'm not diminishing that. But that is not the issue here. The issue here is what our responsibility is as married women and are we fulfilling it? As they say in every wise marriage class, marriage is not about give and take, it's not 50/50, it's not about equal division of labor (it's not Ford auto plant!); marriage is about each side giving and giving and giving 100%.

Respect is the foundation of love. You can start small … by getting off the phone when he walks in the door, by not putting him down in public.

There's a simple rule on how to treat your spouse with dignity: just treat him the way you would like to be treated. (And it certainly includes treating your spouse with the same respect you show your boss, your hairdresser and the cashier at the local grocery store.)

LOVE

Say those three simple words, often. And without prompting. Men need to hear them too.

Express it in actions too, just as we expect our husbands to do. We're so used to focusing on our own needs for love, it's easy to forget our reciprocal responsibility.

"If I do what you suggest," moaned my friend, "I'll become a Stepford wife."

"I'm not suggesting robotic behavior," I countered. "On the contrary. To behave appropriately and lovingly requires a lot more thought and effort than to nag and kvetch. Screaming at our husbands is the default position. Only intelligence and thought lead to a more reasoned and productive approach."

Marriage is about men and women working together. You both need each other. The saying "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" made for cute T-shirts, but lousy marriages. Appreciating your spouse, giving him respect and showering him with love is the basis of a strong marriage.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 96

(92)
ben kot,
April 2, 2014 11:28 PM

really helpful but too late for me

i divorced my wife before i found this web page. sometime men don't even know exactly where it went wrong. but something did miss for a long time! and they do not feel comfortable to be continoue. have been with her 16 yrs. could of know myself better so i can request her do that for me.

(91)
Anonymous,
August 27, 2013 7:49 PM

Not so for abusive men

This might be okay for everyday normal people but not when dealing with an abusive spouse.

(90)
Ness,
August 5, 2013 5:21 AM

If every relationship works perfectly today tht many divorced wont happen, so yeh it is how god set our life

(89)
Anonymous,
January 26, 2013 5:47 AM

He IS my King

He's 6 years older but I absolutely adore him! He's almost everything I've ever wanted and I make certain that he knows how much I love and appreciate him. In return he treats me like HIS Queen. When he's unhappy and critical I always remind him that I choose not to dwell on any faults he might have but rather on all those qualities he has that I love and how much I love him. It hurts to be criticized but I know he loves me and is just lashing out. Relationships are never perfect, you just have to share enough love and patience to work through those issues. It's worth it.

(88)
Tanissa,
January 25, 2013 12:31 PM

this is what I dont understand...

I always do this for him...well i make supper when he wants it. But it always seems that i am the bad person...he does not compliment or show affection unless he wants action...even then it is super rare that he shows affection...im so lost i dont know where to go from here...i dont nag him. I do things he wants. Heck i take care of his sonwitjoit being asked or told, bu it seemsits not good enough for him...it seems like anything and everything i do is never good enough...i wish i knew what he wanted from me so i could do it for him no questions asked...he is my world (along with his son) but it seems like to him i could be some stanger that he doesnt notice....can anybody help solvey problem??

(87)
Stephanie,
January 14, 2013 5:23 PM

Military / Veteran Wives

Above someone said women are taught equal rights... As a military wife and now veteran wife, I'm here to tell you this doesn't really apply to us. We really are single the majority of the time. We have a long distance relationship with no help. They miss all the important things. We wives have to be self sufficient and juggle all responsibilities. When we finally get our spouses back, they're not the same. They aren't who we married. They're angry and cold and I know in my case I get blamed. He'll pick a fight just because. As it turns out he has PTSD and TBI. He's on Meds for the mood swings and I live in constant fear for when he forgets to take them. If I make him take them I'm nagging. If I get after him to do something he forgot, I'm abusive. It is a constant struggle and uphill battle every single day. No matter how nicely I say it no matter how I change the words it straight up sucks. I literally burst into tears when I think this is how the rest of my life is going to be. He goes to therapy which doesn't help. He takes Meds which makes him less angry and mean and moody. I can't get him to help around the house at all. I can't get him to spend time with the kids. There's us (me & the kids) & him. He's all about stupid war games 8, 10, 12 hours a day and if I say something it's on. It's like I started World War III. It's gotten to the point I don't even want to talk to him. Sex is non-existent. He never wants it and blames it on his Meds. I try to talk to him and say hey how was your day. I get fine and that's the end. The kids don't even bother asking him anything anymore or even trying to talk to him. They bypass him altogether and come straight to me. Again I'm basically a single parent just like deployment except his body is here but he's not. No amount of love appreciation or respect will fix that. That leaves me emotionally starved and yet I have a responsibility to take care of him b/c he can't or won't take care of himself.

(86)
Happy@home,
November 16, 2012 2:38 AM

Get out of your own way..

Ladies...I initially typed in "he says i make him feel like a king" to see what would come up as my husband says it often. I do indeed everything suggested above because it feels natural. All men dont deserve that kingly (lol) treatment but when you find the one that does its so worth it. I dont have to ask for anything and he says im all lady (except in the bedoom) my husband is very attentive respectful loving and i feel very protected. I love and trust him with all that i am and yes i can even say i worship the ground he walks on

(85)
Ann,
July 23, 2012 10:14 AM

I don't get it, I do all of this?

OK I do all of this, I have dinner ready for her. I smile and tell him I missed him. I rub his feet his back. At night I hold him so he can fall a sleep. All he has to do is work an play his ps3. I don't get the same back. Why?

James,
September 23, 2012 4:23 AM

it happens

Same here but yet in reverse. i do it all. and hardly get same back.
Maybe this is how god set it up about(shoulder shrug)

(84)
Caroline,
March 19, 2012 12:56 PM

your ideas seem to make so much sense

great job. Please send me regular emails

(83)
Celtacia,
November 22, 2011 1:04 PM

You are kidding, right?

Funny, this is what most women I know, including myself, want as well. Appreciation, love and respect are what HUMANS want from each other. Saying that these things are specific to men is silly.

Korgo,
February 6, 2012 2:32 PM

Dismissing equality for feminism (?)

I agree ALL human beings deserve Appreciation, Love and Respect. Unfortunately, many (not all as that's an unfair generalization) are trained from an early age to be the princess with equal rights. Meaning, all to often a "please, secure protect and provide" mentality without accountability to reciprocate EQUAL responsibility towards mutuality.
Men are programmed to cater to that however and often become bitter, resentful, deceitful or diminished as a result of "failing" to meet impossible expectations.
Sometimes we have to remove our egos to see what beauty lies hidden, less we see only what we impose upon ourselves.

(82)
Anonymous,
August 23, 2011 4:33 PM

thusw guy their are very terlented, i give gudus 2 them and doint give up.

(81)
David,
June 23, 2011 4:22 PM

Great article

Great article, thank you! Agree with all of it. Just because there are a few bad apples out there doesn't mean that all men deserve contempt and disrespect. Unfortunately, the contemptible, pathetic husband is a frequent portrayal in movies, sitcoms, and the media.
For many men, respect is as important as appreciation and Love. I don't think most women realize this.

(80)
Anonymous,
May 20, 2011 6:31 AM

I hope it is true that Love, Appreciation and Respect are vital to any marriage. I have been maried to my wife for 5 years but my wife has always complained that I dont show love to her. It came to a point where she told me that she needed a divorce and this devastated me big time, hey!! I told her lets work it out and she could tell me she committed adultery just because she wanted me to give up. But to me marriage is the best thing to me and this wife is my best friend. I realised that I was not giving her mire time and that is all women want because it shows you care about them. I read a book by Dr. Eggerichs which states about a Crazy Circle and he says that a woman needs love from her husband and the husband needs respect from his wife and that where a husband does not love the wife, the wife reacts without respect and where the wife does not respect a husband the husband reacts without love hence you put yourselves on a crazy circle which keeps on spinning until you are temted to divorce. I started loving my wife, giving her time she deserves, showing her that she is my priority and she has shown that she loves me and she gives me attention that i need and she acknowledges to her friends whether male or female when we are together that she is with "my husband" and it feels good. I like this and my mariage is working towards full reconstruction. However coz she was hurt she cannot just come and make love to me I hope she wants to make sure that the change in me is genuine but am happy just because she is now there for me. So one should start breaking the love circle and the othjer will follow suit and the crazy circle will come to a halt and behappy again. I concur with the article and say "Love Appreciate and respect" works from both ways. I am a happy person but love making will complete me and I will never again come back to bringing misery to my wife but all we need is happiness.

(79)
Anonymous,
February 21, 2011 9:09 PM

Not sure if this will work?

I am not sure if this will work. I've complimented my husband and tried to be supported of him over the past 15-years. My biggest complaint is he puts other people’s feelings first and always sides with the other person instead of his own wife. This has been ongoing since we first got married and I thought it would get better over time, but boy was I mistaken, it has actually gotten worst. When I tell him this hurts my feelings, he response is I am too sensitive. I am really at the point of giving up.

(78)
K,
August 5, 2010 4:24 AM

I Just Don't Know

Yes this article makes sense to an extent. I'm not one to beat a dead horse. Why am I going to stay in a marriage with someone I no longer love? It wasn't always that way, I loved him in the beginning and then life seemed to happen. He is rude, to me, to his mother and is for the most part unfriendly in general. Why am I the one that has to suffer? I've tried the compliments and the listening and the time, but since those things don't involve sex, he doesn't see them as appreciating him. I do understand what this article says. There are just some marriages that are beyond repair and it would be healthier to just move one. Learn from the mistakes and missteps so the next relationship will be built on a stable platform, Many times though, that first step needs to be made within. If someone is not happy within themselves, how is anyone else supposed to make them better? Or how do they know what love is if they do not love themselves. It's tricky At this point I am still married and he IS trying, but there were too many years that he wasn't and now I'm passed the breaking point. It seems like there's nothing left in me for him, and that makes me sad especially since we have a child, but I feel spent. He can be someone else's king.

(77)
Clark,
March 5, 2010 5:33 PM

Wrong

I can do the dishes, my own laundry, clean the house, take care of the kids, and have a healthy self-image that doesn't require my wife to prop up. I don't even need to hear "I love you" on a daily basis. What I would prefer to hear is "let's spend some private time together, wink wink."

Anna,
July 28, 2011 10:04 PM

Well said

actually, if there was an article titled 'what women really want' I think you'd be a prime candidate.
Let's face it--we don't need a man busting his balls 70 hrs a week to provide for the family anymore. What we want is someone whos not going to get home 2 hrs before we do and complain that dinner isn't ready.
SORRY GUYS!

(76)
Vanessa,
October 10, 2008 11:59 PM

Gonna give it a try

I have been married to my husband for almost 2 years but we have been together for almost 9 years. I have always been trying to make him happy but it never seems to work which makes me unhappy. Yes it does go both ways. Well the past month has been really rough. I have never ever searched around online for marriage help but i was just at wits end, frustrated and extremely depressed because i just dont know what I could do anymore to make him happy. I read article after article online but i found this one. It makes perfect sense and i found myself crying because its so true. I never make him feel appreciated at all anymore. The vows ring true "Love, Honour, and Cherish" (aka Love, Appreciate, Respect). I want to make this marriage work because Im in it for the long haul. Tonight i wrote two letters to my husband so that when he comes back from work at 6am he will see them there and read them. If not then I will read it to him tomorrow. One is an apology letter letting him know how much i do appreciate love and respect him. The second letter (based on one of our arguments on how i never tell him what is wrong or what he can do to help the situation which is based on your other article "what women really want". This article helped me because i could never really pin point it. I was just always unhappy about little things.) Im going to give it a try. I want it to work. I know things will never be perfect. No marriage is and no person is but a marriage needs to be happy most of the time and must have love all of the time. I truly believe that. Someone has to start the healing process and it may as well be me because i know that he has no idea how to do it. He has said as much to me already. A marriage is never one sided it involves two people and both need to work at it but I know that men are not mind readers. Women need to find out what they want and let their men know about it. I did that tonight, with these two articles. I made a list and gave specific examples of what i want and expect for me to feel loved. My husband will see it tomorrow when he gets back from work. We will discuss them and re-start our marriage, our process of falling in love again.
May God keep and bless you all. May he always give you the strength to never give up in whatever goodness you pursue.

(75)
Susan,
September 6, 2008 8:49 AM

It doesn't always work

I have complimented my husband over and over since we were married almost 2 years ago. I try to compliment him daily, but he seems to ignore me and only wants to talk or be around me when it is convenient for him. He used to treat me like a queen...until we said "I DO" then he didn't anymore.
He says I don't have patience with him and other things he has just pulled out of his hat from nowhere.
No hand holding, no pillow talk, no walks anymore. No making love since we have been married. It seems like it's just bills and problems and more and more resentment on my part. Why do men have to be babied all the time? They say that women are needy? That is a joke! We may be needy because we are GIVING the attention and NOT RECEIVING it. Not getting our needs met, but hey, it's alright as long as HE feels good, eh?

(74)
Rachael,
June 9, 2008 2:57 PM

With negative people you need to give that person helathy answers which is what is what they are looking for really.Guys women want queen ship to get kingship. Selfishness destroys all relationships married *or* not.Girls treat your man like a king and you should and will get kingship in return. It''s all about others first then ones self.

(73)
a guy,
January 9, 2008 2:49 AM

a guy's view, and thank you Mrs.Bravaman for helping couples everywhere

It's striking how 'controversial' many people regarded this article. I think that attitude reflects how entrenched feminism has been. Women's rights do matter. But what about men's rights?! Really women will only find their emotional rights respected when it is seen that men's emotional rights must be respected also. It seems true that in previous generations mens rights were respected automatically by women. But it has seemed in recent years that this has 'gone the other way' way too far with many men having been treated with contempt or ignored when really they deserve respect in all good things they do. The key to this is to give interested attention and a bit of a admiration to all the good things that your man does. A pause for thought here - a 'good thing' may have a different definition to you if you are a wife than it does to your husband. As long as it is not an obvious sin you need to understand, show real interest and respect to the things your husband regards as good. This doesn't mean you have to do what he does - just talk to him and look at the things he has an interst in - just like you do with your children. This doesn't have to take long either - a few minutes of real attention and a bit of praise and admiration can make your man happy all day and work harder than you believed possible. Invest a little real attention and you'll get rewarded for it many times over. Is that a good investment!I think in recent times some women women have been so concerned with status and equality that they have found it hard to praise and admire their husbands. But really if they would follow the advice above they are likely to get more honour love and affection than they dreamed of. If despite trying they still don't then maybe a) they have not tried this consistently over all good areas, or b) they have not tried this for long enough for their husband to see it is real and trust them, or c) they or their husband has some psychological issue which has been blocking them. A relatively painless and very cheap way of dealing with c) is for both partners to try writing letters than they do not send to their parents and any others who may have distressed them in the past. This can result in very significant healing and moving forward as emotions that were repressed are expressed. Finally if your husband has not shown appreciation or if you think you may have seen him sin, you need to understand him, strengthen him, support him, sensitively get help for one/both of you if that would be of assistance, show love, warmth, belief and respect, and pray with tears - all to help him come back. Believe me - deep down a husband wants more than anything to come back and be a great husband because that is his natural essence. Wives should benefit more than anyone from success in this process. Remember - helping your husband is helping yourself.

(72)
S M,
January 8, 2008 5:26 PM

This article for women on the topic of what men want is very helpful, thanksThe other article for men on what women want is also helpfulI believe both women and men need to remember that to make a relationship work, they both need to communicate, respect, love and appreciate each other

(71)
Andy,
December 11, 2007 10:41 PM

All true!

I was married to a woman for six years who very seldom complimented me on anything, was very liberal with vicious criticism for everything, she was verbally abusive, and cold. Eventually the marriage failed. I became very introverted and depressed as she pummeled me every day. This last week a woman in my office said I was a kind man and thanked me for being a gentleman to the ladies. I was so touched I retreated to my cubicle a little while later and cried because I'm so unaccustomed to being spoken to kindly or complimented!

(70)
Wendy Roorda,
November 28, 2007 5:17 PM

Respect you rman.

I found my fiance at a time in my life where I thought it was not possible. I had stopped looking so hard. He popped in at the right time. I am a mother of three kids, ages twins 8 and a 5 yr old. I also have a 13 yr old and an 11 year old who live with there father. So I htought it would be hard to find a man accepting of that. Well, I found one. He is a firefighter and works long hours, but I accept that(i was alomst one myself) so thehours he works are ok by me. it is about love and respect. We love each other fully and really enjoy the time we have together. I think when you are not looking it hits you. For the first time ever I feel like I found my place. So my advice is to always make you r man feel as though he is in control and the King, after all he would be lost without us.

(69)
Talia S.,
October 2, 2007 11:52 AM

Never take him for granted...

I met my future husband very late in life--at the age of 42. Having searched for my soulmate for so long, I cannot begin to express the joy of finding a relationship filled with so much kindness, love and respect. My fiance's warmth and affection inspire me to be my best and vice versa. I appreciate every moment I have with him. To Emuna Braverman's article, I would add--begin showing kavod early on in the relationship, and then nurture, nurture, nurture. It is well worth it!

(68)
Gisele,
October 1, 2007 8:25 AM

what an insighful article

women want the same too, so why do we hav a HARD TIME FINDING SHIDDUCHIM, AND MAKING MARRIAGE WORK? WHY CAN'T MEN AND WOMEN RELATE AND UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER?

(67)
Jewels,
March 11, 2007 11:50 PM

Take care of yourself too

Ann Onymous, you should have finished the parsha like you wanted. LEt the dishes wait. don't be a martyr Take care of yourself. The dishes will always be there. If he doesn't like the dishes sitting there, tell him he can help you so you can learn too. Give and take, give and take.

(66)
Sharon,
February 27, 2007 2:59 AM

Everyone needs appreciation

I'm aware that there are differences between men and women psychologically (generally speaking, but certainly not in all cases), but in the final analysis the need for respect and appreciation crosses the gender boundary. It applies as much to women as it does to men. But if each spouse is focusing on the negative, it requires that one change the pattern. So my advice to anyone reading this, whether you are a man or woman, is start focusing on the positive. Notice the small positive deeds in your spouse. This will only encourage him/her to continue in this vein. Eventually he/she will likely return the appreciation. It may take a some time; patience and perseverence are key.

(65)
Ann Onymous,
February 7, 2007 2:52 PM

One-sided view

I agree with the few women who did disagree with this article. It's too one-sided. No matter what I do for my husband, it's never enough. I work 24/7, at a job with difficult hours, as well as do everything at home. For instance, this past Motzei Shabbat, when he went out to learn, I wanted to finish reading the parsha but cleaned up the whole kitchen instead. But when he came home, did he notice or comment positively? No! All he did was criticize the fact that there were a few pieces of cutlery left in a mug on one counter. His attitude makes my life - and our marriage - very difficult.

(64)
alejandro,
February 7, 2007 1:31 AM

Spot on!!

Its amazing the general misconception of men not having feelings!!

Good article hope it would help many couple in trouble

(63)
Anonymous,
February 6, 2007 2:32 PM

not true for everyone

When health is not got good, the best marriage can go bad. My husband was my world. He is still alive but now I am his aide and wife and it is very difficult and places a gigantic strain on our marriage.

Danielle,
June 7, 2012 2:54 PM

So difficult with ill husband

I love my husband very much. He is ill and it is so hard. It is frustrating when he doesnt do what he is supposed to (like check his blood sugar - he has diabetes). So he passes out and Im left to do everything. Im so exhausted and get migraines but it doesnt matter. So I take care of the baby (1 of the kids), do dishes . . Hes also bipolar . Anyway, I appreciate the comments.

(62)
Anonymous,
February 5, 2007 1:52 PM

It works!!

When I was looking for a husband, one of my main requests was that I should be able to look up to him. Well, after more than 30 years, I learned that I can look up to him for many, many things and that nobody (including myself) is perfect!! Yes, treating your spouse with respect (and love) will, 99.9% of the time, be reciprocal and you will have a warm and loving marriage as I do, thank G-d.

(61)
Hal Friedman,
February 4, 2007 5:09 PM

Oy!

Finally, an article about 'What Men Want', and what does the last line have to be: 'Click here for what women want'. There's no use sending this to my wife, I'll only get 'Part Two' right back!! At least you could have kept it until next week!!

(60)
Anonymous,
February 4, 2007 11:17 AM

A FANTASTIC ARTICLE!

Ive read books on marriage, and sometimes found them too heavy and detailed. This article by Emuna Braverman, was just brilliant! To the point, easy to read and understand and written in such a positive and encouraging manner, one feels eager to go ahead right away with her advice! Much success!

(59)
Wayne Hinson,
February 4, 2007 9:53 AM

she got it right!

So what if it was written by a woman? She got it right! A man expects to face and slay dragons in the workplace every day, but when he comes home, he needs to be greeted not by another dragon, but by a woman who admires and respects him. Almost any man will knock himself out trying to prove to his wife (and to himself) that her admiration and respect was not misdirected.

To those women who complained about how hard they work and how useless the advice is, I can only say that if they really want to be unhappy, a rotten attitude such as they expressed toward their husbands is almost a guarantee of a miserable marriage. Is that what they really want?

(58)
Jan Jacobs,
February 4, 2007 8:32 AM

After 30 years of marriage I learned the hard way. I thought I came first. But I don't, YET I do,.It is about Appreciation for your husband in every sense.It is about respect for him.IT is able love. Love overides everything.From where I stand, it's about giving and giving. In giving you get so much more in return.It's not about giving in, accepting bad behaviours/words/mannes etc.It's about putting yourself in their shoes with the ability to use their mindset.Understanding. Give it, I promise you it will come back by the mountainful!.

(57)
Sonja,
January 26, 2007 1:48 AM

It lifts me up!

Thank you so much for this enlightening words. This helps a lot to remember, for what reason I've marriaged my husband. God bless you.Sonja

(56)
Walter,
July 2, 2006 12:00 AM

why I intermarried

I grew up in a staunchly secular enviroment. However, as a young teen, became a "political" zionist, made aliyah, served in TZHAL and was a member of a kibbutz. Dating Jewish women, even in Israel was a difficult task. Some jews embrace liberalism and intermarry accordingly. My friends and I of similar back grounds, have all intermarried. We were not men who did not care about marrying a Jewish women. We intermarried by default and mostly to Asian women. There is a lack of man appreciation amongst all too many Jewish women. In the non-orthodox psuedo religious enviroments, there is abjrect resentment of not just males, but specifically Jewish males. Low status Jewish males have enough problems. If we have not yet found religion, dating orthodox is not viable. At least in the secular Jewish world, albeit, I saw a lot of Jewish singles eager to meet, the men did not bite. Perhaps man hatred leaves a bad taste. Your message combined with my message should not just be to the already married, but to the not yet married? While the Jewish community fails to be class-ecumenical, Jewish men of all economic classes are voting with their feet. Lower status Jewish men are finding Asian wives. Their gain, and the Jewish women's loss. Oddly enough, there are many interested Jewish women, if they are ot repelling us, they are actually rejecting us. It is not a leap of aith, considering the divroce rate with comparible complaints that the rare in-faith marraige is so often diseased. Filipina women treat jewish men "right." Why are the daughters of our people not competing?

(55)
Kara,
January 26, 2006 12:00 AM

Wonderful article

I'm a young student and recently married to a wonderful man serving in the military. I have found that my mood indeed dictates the atmosphere we live in, and although regardless that we are often apart my attitude can either make or break the day. I'm astonished at how my husband, in one sense such a strong and valiant Marine, could seek my approval so much and I'm struck by his intense committment to me and my dreams - and all he asks is for love and respect. No matter how tired I am sometimes I never forget to be my husband's wife. And that does not mean I am less of a woman. It just means I'm a happier one!

(54)
Lynn Anthes,
January 14, 2006 12:00 AM

Thankyou !

Our marriage of 35 years has been rough but I see where I've been hanging on to the past with resentment and see where I need to let go and help working on today and bring the fondamentals back into our marriage that brought us togeather in the first place,I can see now where my mistakes were I need to correct mine and not his, He needs to work on his as he sees fit so we can come togeather again and be friends and lovers once again instead of battling with tit-for-tat....thankyou again I was struggling trying to figure out how to get things going good again...sincerely Lynn

(53)
Anonymous,
October 28, 2005 12:00 AM

Let me tell you. Men need to respect us women more. We are out working too. Its not just a man's world. I am a VERY DEDICATED mother to my kids. I drive from sport to sport, watching their games, taking them to their friends houses, etc. I do it all. I work, too. I am a teacher in an elementary school and I am around 2nd graders all day. I love them! Then I go home to my own children. Men come home and expect their dinner on the table. "Oh, go heat it up". I am in my work clothes till 9:00 at night!!!! I don't want to hear any man complain that they want to be treated with respect. It's a women's world, too. I get from people, " How do you run from school to school, sport to sport and help with their homework, make sure the laundry and dishes are done." I just say I do it for my kids!! I hardly ever see a man at parent teacher conferences for the kids. And, when the kids are sick, who do they want regardless of their age, M O M M Y !!!!!

(52)
Dora,
October 9, 2005 12:00 AM

The only article on the web that really helped me

I wish more people would read this article cause it seems like not mant people know what is required to make a marriage last. I'm trying to better myself as a wife, to my hard working, dedicated husband, and after putting into practice what I've read above, it has made my relationship much happier and loving.
Thank you

(51)
Tasha,
August 27, 2005 12:00 AM

Horse Pucky

Sorry, as this stuff may work on other men, it didn't work on mine. I gave him love, respect, AND appreciation...And in return he treated my like garbage.

(50)
Jay Goland,
July 30, 2005 12:00 AM

There's more to it than that

As a 54 year old single man I have had a log time to think about relationships. I believe that one important piece of the problem is that people hook up with people they're not crazy about in the first place. They settle. "This is probably the best I can do". They aren't in love going into it. To say to one's wife, "you are always beautiful to me" you have to really mean it. Otherwise it's insincere palaver. This has to do with dating and dating skills so that he finds and successfully marries someone who is really actually beautiful to him. And this has to be learned early-on. Some of us, I'm not included, had parents who could teach us the dating rules of the road. Some of us had mothers who could instill a feeling of desirability into their sons (I speak from a male standpoint), some of us had fathers who knew how to teach us to attract girls and present an image of being masculine ( a quality valued by women in our society, Jewish women included, especially during the early years, college, the 20's). But many of us couldn't learn these things from our parents because of our parents own limitations.

It makes me crazy that in our educational system (and I am hightly "educated") they taught us massive quantities of utterly useless information, and then tested us on it as if our lives depended on it, and then our parents would praise us for how well we did on these exams and completely (in many cases)overlooked the very issues that are the most important ones in life. There are two: (#1) how to attract and marry the person of your dreams (and do it while you are still young and it's still possible) (#2) how to identify your calling, your life's work, something hopefully you enjoy.

I am angry and disheartened that we learned higher calculus in college , and how to speak french in the pluperfect, but they never helped us to understand how to date, how to attract the opposite sex, and all sorts of useful things about sexuality that we should have learned then, not after decades of trial and error. We fail, utterly fail, as a society to help young people learn how to meet and mate. And so we screw up and get divorced and then try again (and again...) Ahh, but the economics of Europe during the Renaissance, and how fluids flow up and down a tree trunk ... that we learned and got tested on.... and if we did well, how proud it made or parents !!!
That's in our society.

In the Jewish community, we weren't helped much either.
Many of us weren't (and aren't ?) taught how to overcome the roadblocks that get in the way of successful dating. Most of what I see in the material that comes froa Aish also has to do with values, qualities to look for in a mate, etc etc. That's all well and good but it doesn't help the young man who is too shy to ask the girl out. Who doesn't even know what to say. How to win her. How to present an appealing image (like it or not, the image counts) He is the guy who was raised to be a classroom geek and can't win the attention let alone the heart of his heart's desire because she, like other young women in our society, are attracted to a confident, masculine, socially skillful men. It doesn't help the young lady who was raised in a home where her academic achievement was praised but doesn't know how to dress in order to get that guy to take notice of her. I suspect you're wincing at that statement but just get real.

I have felt for a long time that part of the problem with assimilation and intermarriage has to do with Jewish men and women not being taught to attract one another. For instance, Jewish women are not raised to be , dare I say the word ... glamerous. I'm sure you're again wincing at that so let's just say they have been raised to be like boys... achievement oriented and competetive, but that doesn't make them desirable. I find many Jewish women to be hard to get along with. They are not raised to value qualities that help them attract and keep a man. Femininity, beauty, a giving nature, sensuality. The jokes about how Jewish women are withholding as well as demanding don't spring from a vacuum. As long as this persists, American Jewish men will look outside of Judaism. Count on it !

I believe , also, that many Jewish women are more attracted to non-Jewish men because they find non-Jewish men to present a more masculine image and that attracts them . When I was growing up, Jewish boys were raised to do well in school. Sports, and masculine qualities were not valued for the most part. Being on the Dean's list was. Unfortunately, violence is a part of our society, even in our highschools. No boy ,whose parents love him, should ever have to walk away from a fight. It's bad for his self-esteem, and also his confidence with women. What attracts females in our culture ? Confidence, masculinity, being able to walk up to a woman and walk away with her phone number. Later on it's their success, but not till quite later. These are not qualities that can be taught, per se. But they can be talked about. They can be recognized. She doesn't care that I graduated with honors. It's how I presnt myself. Personal qualities.

In summary, I think young men and women have to be taught dating skills. They should be taught useful stuff about sexuality (like how to please a partner through communication , instead of just all the nasty things that can happen with sex , which is what gets taught in our schools...the school curriculum in my opinion is shamefully, digracefully lacking)
And , in Judaism, there should be more of an emphasis on developing qualities in our young people that attract the sexes to each other, qualities that are valued in our culture at large so we don't look elsewhere to find a mate that turns us on. And hopefully when they do get married they not only love but are "in love". And his wife is really truly beautiful to him; she's who he really wanted... and he got her because he knew how to get her.

Just never forget how those fluids flow through a tree trunk. That's important stuff. There will be a pop quiz on Tuesday!

(49)
Kemi,
July 27, 2005 12:00 AM

I really like this topic and the write up

I am very glad i read this tonight, i will apply it in my marriage and i believe it will work. How i wish i could treat my husband with the respect i give to my Boss. Please i will like to read more of things like this.

(48)
Alvina,
July 26, 2005 12:00 AM

I believe every woman of every religion should know these basic principles. For in them contain not only the key to our husbands happiness - but ours!

(47)
Sharon,
July 8, 2005 12:00 AM

Amen. I really enjoyed reading this and I intend to forward this to my daughter & daughter in law. Young marriages need all of the help they can get before things go south.

(46)
anna k,
April 30, 2005 12:00 AM

I agree with what you say about how to treat your husband, but don't you feel a women should be treated the same, as a women an I believe most women start out being that way with there husbands or boyfriends but the bitterrness starts because we feel our our efforts to make men feel special are not returned. Women have always just wanted the same valadation as a man gets an when we don't, " which most of us don't ", yes we become bitter. Believe me us women do not want to be this way, but the only way to stop it is for men to validate all the things we do. Even if you are " just a house wife ", that is the hardest carreer any women could have, " why don't you stay home with the kids for a week while your wife goes to work an see how you feel when she doesn't give you a thank you for being such a wonderful caregiver " housewives get no respect what so ever as if all there effort has gone unoticed then you want someone to tell you how wonderful you are then put a nice warm plate of food in front of your face, you should just be happy that she doesn't throw the plate of food in your face, no that is respect. I just think women would not be so bitter if a man learns to validate her also from the very begining of a relationship, then many we would not be the bitter middle aged women we have turned out to be from years of our feelings being ignored, so don't blame us women, take a look at how you have treated your wife. Use your brain an figure out if she has every right to be bitter, I think most likley the answer will be YES!

(45)
Anonymous,
February 6, 2005 12:00 AM

you're right

sadly my 30 year marriage ended 5 years ago. why? my ex was a stay at home homemaker and although she did make money by working at home, i was the primary wage earner. what i really wanted but almost never received was a good by kiss in the mornings and a welcome home kiss in the evenings. appreciation! in a tit for tat, the knight who rode out to fight the dragons started to withhold the love she needed and it all became a vicious black hole spiral sucking all life out of the marriage.

(44)
Deborah Moore,
November 21, 2004 12:00 AM

the other perspective???

This pair of articles - "What Men Really Want" and "What Women Really Want" - is interesting and informative. I have copied this article and keep it where I can read it often. However, it occurs to me that a woman has written both articles... while I can see that Emuna Braverman is dead-on about things from a woman's perspective, I can't help but wish that one of Aish's male writers had written the article from a man's perspective... Perhaps Aish could commision a second article on the subject of "what men really want" from a male perspective? It would be truly appreciated by women who are trying to understand the men they live with!
PS. I just read some of the other comments, and realized that this would also be appreciated by male readers who would like their wants to be represented by a fellow man!

(43)
Adam,
September 29, 2004 12:00 AM

Some Criticism of article

I thought the article was fairly intelligent and I read the article above too. My problem with this article however is why is a women writing both what a women and what a man wants. I think to be honest a man should be writing his side and a woman her side as of course Emuna being a women herself is likely somewhat more concerned about how she is treated then how a guy is treated and it does seem to me reading the women's side she is somewhat more into the women's side then men's side and tries to get a few things in the women's side that have nothing what so ever to do with a marriage relationship. If you had a guy do his side he might do the same thing which at least would make these articles I think fairer.

(42)
Anonymous,
September 27, 2004 12:00 AM

What If?

What if a wife (me) is honestly trying to do the above and the husband still is not happy?

(41)
Anonymous,
September 21, 2004 12:00 AM

You act as if women are there to "greet" their husbands at night. The reality nowdays is dual incomes. If fact he'll be home before her especially if she is picking up the kids or is working late. Beware, if he does not help around the house she will burn out quick.

(40)
Anonymous,
July 1, 2004 12:00 AM

An Excellent Reminder

Many times it's hard to remember to use positive phrases. THis article reminds us.

(39)
Anonymous,
June 29, 2004 12:00 AM

I agree wholeheartedly!

I couldn't agree more with your article. I am newly married (just three months) but I treated my sweetie like this long before we were married. My husband, before we married, was a confirmed bachelor. None of his other girlfriends treated him as I did, with respect, love, and appreciation. I supported him when he was going through difficult times and was always there for him. As a result, he could see that marriage to ME would be different than marriage to one of those other women. He states that he is happy that we got married and has NO regrets. I enjoy making him happy and he enjoys reciprocating and making me happy. We both have everything we need. I am no Stepford wife, either. I am extremely independent, stubborn, and opinionated (he is too, for that matter). I voice my opinions in a respectful manner and never disrespect my husband. He does the same for me. We've NEVER had an argument (yelling, screaming, cursing). Sure, we disagree, but we disagree agreeably. We have some pretty awesome and lively discussions and debates and we never take ourselves too seriously.

Hopefully the women who read this article will wake up and smell the coffee. It's the only way to have a good relationship and a lasting AND happy marriage.

(38)
suki,
June 21, 2004 12:00 AM

i ve got to try this

thank you so much for this article, i have been married for the past two years now and what my husband usually complains about is that i don't respect him. am a full housewife and my husband works very hard to keep our family. from your article i have seen some of my dark side too and i will work on it, am ready to make my marriage work to the fullest if GOD gives me the wisdom and understanding.
thanks
suki

(37)
Anonymous,
May 13, 2004 12:00 AM

You read my mind

It is as if you have read my mind. I have been married for just over three years. I am not perfect but I sure try hard. Your advice is as golden as fort knox. It is very disharting to give a task your all and then hear your wife say "You did it wrong" or "why did you do it that way and not this way"? It strikes a man at his soul and the pain that it brings can not be put into words. If only once in awhile a wife will tell her Husband what a good job he did on something that he gave his all on, it would make him feel as if he were indeed the king of the world. Men are not all that hard to make happy, once we are you will see how we will bend over backwards to to do even better then before. Just a thought.
Shalom.

(36)
simi shain,
May 12, 2004 12:00 AM

You did it again!

Should be required reading for every married woman.

(35)
bob reid,
May 10, 2004 12:00 AM

good for the young people too

I had my "future son-in-law" read these articles,as well as my daughter to help them not make the same mistakes I have made in the past.
thank you.

(34)
Anonymous,
May 1, 2004 12:00 AM

I totally agree with your article on what a husband needs

I now would like to see an article on what a wife needs from her man to be happy

(33)
Shaul,
March 30, 2004 12:00 AM

Admire your courage

I was very touched by your courageous and very true advice. I am divorced now at 52 after having been subjected to 26 years of nearly constant abuse, rejection and disrespect. For my part, I'm still agonizing over my failure to give her the love and attention that she needed, even though I felt myself unable to do so. Please, please, give the ladies a break now, and tell the men what their wives need!

(32)
Jane,
March 29, 2004 12:00 AM

Wonderful Words

This article really has touched my heart with its words. It showed to me how I have been so ungrateful to my husband, which is a very lovely person.
I really want to show more my appreciation.
Thanks!

(31)
Lindsay,
March 21, 2004 12:00 AM

"What Men Really Want" Mini-Editorial

The above article, "What Men Really Want," is teriffic because it really makes the mens' psyches clearer and more understandable. Thank you Mrs. Braverman, for writing this article and helping more women to see what it is that "men really want."

(30)
Cindy Zitelman,
March 17, 2004 12:00 AM

Terrific Artticle

I spent a few days with Emanu Braverman at an AISH Partnership retreat in Aspen. We flew in a hot air balloon together! She is a wonderful person and made a lasting impression.

(29)
Renee Hinkle,
March 15, 2004 12:00 AM

Thank you!

Sounds like you were writing to me! Thank you for opening my eyes to this.I think we all know or feel this but are at a loss to change it.Today I change!

(28)
Anonymous,
March 14, 2004 12:00 AM

emunah braverman is one smart lady!!! she never ceases to amaze me

(27)
Anonymous,
March 11, 2004 12:00 AM

Excellent advice!

This is excellent, simple advice that is so easy to forget.

(26)
Anonymous,
March 11, 2004 12:00 AM

men are very sensitive and vulnerable

I grew up with a single mom and a sister, so I lacked the interaction with men that is so essential to learning how to behave. When I got married, I was taken aback when I realized how important it was to make my husband feel like he is so special. I realized that he is much more sensitive and receptive to appreciation than I am. I have made sure, from the beginning to make him feel wonderful as often as possible, and to give him full attention. It really makes a difference in the closeness we experience. I hope more women can realize this and share more love with their husbands.

(25)
o,
March 10, 2004 12:00 AM

100% True

I'm a married woman and we have 2 children.
It seems as if women now adays don't respect their husbands like they should. Don't get me wrong I'm all for the "working Mother" "equality" and everything else. (I work part-time). But I do all those things mentioned in this article, and not only is my husband thankfull, loving and helpfull. His friends notice it too. They always tell their wives they should take an example from me.
We've been married for 10 years, and our relationship is getting stronger. I think a big part of it is because I make him feel like a king and treat him well. Therefore, he does the same w/o me asking. Like with shopping, vaccuming or spending time w/the kids while i have an hour to myself. This is the result you get when your husband gets home and you give him 100% attention, at least for half an hour.

(24)
Anonymous,
March 9, 2004 12:00 AM

Excellent Article

I enjoyed your informative article and the comments afterwards, I think if one understands the context in which this article is written "What men want" then one will understand the value of the article.

I find it of great value (I know what I want and am able to adequately commuicate this) men are somewhat less commuicative so this article is beneficial to me :).

Regards a demand for more balance well I think one must assume a position of "which came first the chicken or the egg", not arguing who takes responsibility but I am certain that any man (or person for that matter) who finds his/her needs being met will respond favourably.

(23)
Anonymous,
March 9, 2004 12:00 AM

Just what I needed...

I'm married about 4 years and the last months or maybe the last year wasn't what I'd liked to be.
And now I read this and get the message.
You're so right, it is not about taking but giving.
But we think than men are "strong" and that all the things we, like women, like to hear, they are just women's stuff...
But now I realize that they need the same attention, the same feeling.
Thanks a lot for the lot of widsom you share with us.

Regards,

(22)
Anonymous,
March 9, 2004 12:00 AM

Both parties have to work on the relationship

To all those who said this article is one sided - yes this article was written to women. There are other aticles on this site written to men. I think that is exactly the point, both partners have to work on a relationship; women should concentrate on their part of it and men on their part of it. Our automatic reaction to each of these articles seems to be "Yeah - but what about what THEY have to do....". I have been advised that often if a partner works hard on doing the best they can, instead of complaining about the other party (even when the other spouse party is in the wrong) it can make a big difference and start the relationship on the road to recovery. Of course this is very hard to convince our egos.
Every relationship requires lots of work - good work! Good Luck!

(21)
Sarah Williams,
March 9, 2004 12:00 AM

wow!

My husband and I just had this discussion, and I wished I had read this article earlier. He said many of the things she has written here. Mrs. Braverman should write a book! Uh, if she has already written a book, where can I find it?

(20)
Anonymous,
March 9, 2004 12:00 AM

text in context -- giving in a (Torah) environment

Bravo for telling this so succinctly, but I feel that the context of respect, appreciation, and love is the key--as I also see now in the other reader comments. To make a man feel like a King (David ? ) a woman has to help create a Kingdom and a Kingship and definitely not criticize in public ( like Michal did!) and that means an atmosphere where gratitude and appreciation, the desire to improve and help each other and all the family, are the bulk of the family simultaneous equations; alas, if I had done more of that, my family would have been more happy, stable, and intact. Alas, if we had come closer to HaShem, earlier in our marriage, we might have found the means to want to stay together. My criticism, his abuse, not, the material for a happy union. Bless you, and all of your endeavors.

(19)
Luana Wasserbauer,
March 9, 2004 12:00 AM

This was extremely helpful!

I've been married for almost two years. At the beginning it was easy to give my husband the appreciation, respect, and love he needs and so deserves. But then the twins came, and everything got harder. Unfortunately, he was often greeted at the end of the workday by things like, "Will you please get that trash out of here?" and, "Why didn't you call when I asked you to?" However, reading this article has helped me get my priorities straight again: They are our children AND my husband. Now, with G-d's help, I will always give him the things he wants and needs most!

Thanks so much!

Luana

(18)
Anonymous,
March 8, 2004 12:00 AM

"Stay-at-home mom"

Speaking as a stay at home mom, I resent the statement that it is a "choice" or the implication that I don't work as hard as my husband. Although I would love the stimulation of an outside job at this point, my work at home still consumes a lot of time. It is indeed work to make sure that everybody eats healthy food and not TV dinners, that everybody sleeps upon clean sheets, that there is a beautiful Shabbat dinner on Friday night, that somebody will make sure that the child with the injured wrist goes to the doctor and gets an x-ray, and that someone actually looks over the bills and pays them. It takes up my time to be a Mikvah volunteer, and to line up the volunteers to attend a tahara when G-d forbid, somebody passes away. And my kitchen certainly isn't going to go kasher itself for Pesach. So even though my kids are pretty big now, I still don't have much time to go out and work. I know a lot of mothers who have ignorant strangers watching their children, who stay up almost all night Thursday to cook for Shabbat, and who come home exhausted at 6PM only to then wonder what to cook for dinner for the kids, and wonder how to find time to help them with homework.
Yes, I am glad that I don't have to work at my former job, but don't tell me I'm not working now. Thank G-d, my husband is a sweetie pie who appreciates what I do, while I appreciate what he does. I think that these days people look down on the stay at home mothers, and fail to appreciate the memories created by having a mother around who makes the Hamantashen with the kids and gives them personal attention.

(17)
Deborah,
March 8, 2004 12:00 AM

The Truth sets free

I am recovering now from what could of been a tradgedy. My work and responsibilites put a wedge in my marriage, leading to infidelity on the part of my husband. Although there are two sides to every story, I took my blame. G-d has been good, by taking that responsibility maybe that is what saved my marriage. I couldn't change him, but I am responsible for me. Your article is very true. I am reminded of how our mother "Sarah," called Avraham "lord," she is our example. Submission and love elevates us, it does not degrade us and allows the very shechinah of G-d in our homes and families, as we even submit to G-d Himself, through submitting to our husbands in the way you have laid out in this beautiful article.
Selah

(16)
Anonymous,
March 8, 2004 12:00 AM

It may be necessary to get outside help

Sometimes a couple cannot achieve this unity without help from counselors and doctors. It also may take several years of hard work to analyze and surmount all the impediments which prevent the love respect and appreciation which Hashem wants a married couple to share. Then one day Hashem performs a miracle and blesses the couple for their diligence. And love, appreciation and respect become as natural and effortless as the joy that comes when seeing a rainbow.

(15)
ALEX RABAN,
March 8, 2004 12:00 AM

OK

I AM FORWARDING THIS TO MY KIDS IMMEDIATELY!!!

(14)
Shoshana,
March 8, 2004 12:00 AM

Right on!

It's so very true what you wrote. Such common-sense wisdom.

The basis for a good marriage is treating each other with respect and love.

Isn't that what the Torah expects of us, anyway??

(13)
Anonymous,
March 8, 2004 12:00 AM

Get Real

What happen when I come home from a hard day's work? What is the responsibility of a husband to his wife? The year is 2004. I am an educated woman with a full time job. I am not interested in being a balabusta. I've seen many women act like this, only to have their husbands leave them with nothing.

(12)
Anonymous,
March 8, 2004 12:00 AM

Meaningful

This is a really meaningful article. Thank you.

(11)
Todd,
March 8, 2004 12:00 AM

thanks

Extremely insighftful and accurate essay, which very clearly conveys what is troubling to so many men and relationships. The advice is very sound and practical.

(10)
Christine Morgan,
March 8, 2004 12:00 AM

Wonderful

This article is perfect - written with men in mind but holds true for women as well! Thanks for another wonderful reminder!

(9)
Elana,
March 8, 2004 12:00 AM

One-sided

It's wrong to assume that a modern-age family consists of a working husband and a stay-at-home mom. The ideas expressed in this article ("respect is the foundation of love", etc) are not new and sound extremely insentive at times when an average family needs to have two breadwinners in order to stay afloat financially and to provide not for luxuries, but for basics.

I have met with the similar approach to this issue from (unfortunately) too many in the Orthodox Jewish community, to the point that I often feel as an outsider because I am far from that woman/wife that you had described so eloquently.

Next time please try to balance your article(s) -- full-time working women need moral support too.

(8)
Dennis Tate,
March 8, 2004 12:00 AM

Fantastic article.

I have been divorced twice and my third wife perfectly fulfills your article. I really didn't know that life could be so incredibly good. Maria also had one pretty horrible marriage but at this moment she keeps telling me that she is extremely happy. I plan to send your article to my entire contact list.

(7)
suzy baim,
March 8, 2004 12:00 AM

Great article

I feel strongly for husbands and wives appreciating, respecting and loving eachother. This article might offend some women. But it's Not talking to women who already do these good things. It's talking to women who don't do these things.

(6)
shoshanna,
March 8, 2004 12:00 AM

so clear

right on.so simple yet so necessary..

(5)
marja,
March 7, 2004 12:00 AM

how to apply the ideal in a far from even remotely normal situation

I agree wholeheartedly with the ideals expressed in this article; however, none of this works with a man who has had a bad relationship with his mother; what the article puts forward is nothing but sound wisdom something a man who has never been able to bond with his own mother, in my experience, cannot then accept from another woman no matter how much he loves that younger woman.
Ultimately it can be done, but only after years of inevitable severe marital breakdown which, with good will on both sides, can then be slowly repaired. I should know; I speak from experience. Initially, no matter how loving the wife, the slowly built up hatred over an entire childhood towards a mother gets poured out over the younger woman's head. Being human this hurts. In my opinion, far more support is needed within communities for this kind of immense difficulty. In my/our case I/we solved the matter slowly, over many years, using initally a most definitely unconventional starting method. Still, it worked and genuine healing has taken place with nothing but good results for ourselves and our now adult children.

(4)
Anonymous,
March 7, 2004 12:00 AM

Except for abusive husbands

This is true for most men, except those whose mind-set makes them think that they have to put down others to keep control.

(3)
Leslie,
March 7, 2004 12:00 AM

Beautiful!!

This article was beautifully written and is a perfect example of "do unto others as you would have others do unto you." Absolutely perfect, especially in the realm of a relationship. Thank You!

(2)
Carnita Coker,
March 7, 2004 12:00 AM

Excellent

Iam a wife of a wonderful husband and we have 6 children. I thank Emuna for helping to spread these truths. I believe so many women need to here this being taught. My husband and I have always had a very good marriage because we give 100% always. It makes me happy to make my husband happy. Thanks again for the reminders.

(1)
Anonymous,
March 7, 2004 12:00 AM

Women need appreciation, too

I agree that men need appreciation, respect, and love. In fact, every human being needs these things.

What I don't agree with is the one-sidedness of this article.

Why is there no mention of how the husband should thank the wife for bathing the kids, instead of taking for granted that it's her job? Do only the things that *he* does deserve appreciation?

Why no mention of how the husband should get off the phone when his wife comes home (perhaps after a long day of work), and never belittle her in public?

And why is the word "nagging" always just used in regards with women, for that matter? I guess all the nagging that men do is "valid criticism"? (pardon the sarcasm)

Bottom line: I'd appreciate it if you could write a follow-up article about how men should show appreciation and love to their spouses.

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
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