Thursday, May 9, 2013

Sku's Guide to Wine

As my readers know, I'm a whiskey guy. I'm not really into wine. In fact, I'd never had a glass before last Thursday, but after I saw Sideways at a friend's house, I thought I would become a wine advocate, throttle a few wines and give you the definitive scores on the best ever wines.

Screaming Eagle Cabernet. Someone told me this was the very best wine in the world, and since I did not do any research for this piece, I am going to parrot that information here: This is the very best wine in the world. It is red and smells strangely grapey. Yes, I would say there are definitely grapes in the mashbill. On the palate, it tastes like a great bourbon but wineyer. Don't bother with the ice or Coke with this one...sip it neat! Oh, and this is a really rare wine that you will never get which enhances its quality by a huge amount. 100 million points!

Charles Shaw Merlot. Charles Shaw is a guy who I assume grows and then stomps on grapes for this wine. I think it's from France and imported by a guy named Trader Joe. The only downside is that it's a Merlot, and the guy on Sideways didn't like Merlot so I can't recommend it. Terrible stuff that tastes like sewage. 90 points.

Onus One. This slope shouldered bottle has a white label with some blue smudges on it and a signature. It's fine, but I've seen better labels, especially for the price. I didn't get around to tasting it. 99 points.

Now that I have made the definitive statement on wine, you, my devoted readers, are ordered to slavishly hunt these down until you have driven your local retailer to the point where they will consider suicide as possibly the only relief from your incessant harassment.

I hope you enjoyed my conquest of wine and wine's unconditional surrender. Next week there's a James Bond marathon on...get ready for my definitive statement on Vodka.

Great article, Sku. It sums up all the commentary being posted on the subject, not only here, but on other blogs and also the subject of two feature stories in the current Whisky Advocate. You said it very well, and I promise not to push THAT line of thought any further -- well, at least not here :=))

You should know, however, that Screaming Eagle Cabernet isn't their most prestigeous expression. In fact, it's pretty much made for the masses (were they ever to find any of it). All of us illuminati know that Ultra-Sauvignon (know to us insiders as "SEUS" is the epitomy of what fine, rare, wine should taste like. Only one barrel is produced per decade, and the bottles are gifted only to world leaders and pop music stars, so if you meet someone who claims to have tasted any of this, you know they must be on the good side of someone very important and you'd better do whatever they say.

I'm soo ready for your definitive statement on vodka. Just posted this on Jason Pyle's blog: "It’s time to stop living a lie and confess our hysteria for the golden age of super premium Vodka. We’re all bunkering the stuff. I know that Sku and Tim Read will clean the shelves of any store that carries vodkas adorned with Swarovski crystals."

Beautiful: "In fact, I'd never had a glass before last Thursday, but after I saw Sideways at a friend's house, I thought I would become a wine advocate, throttle a few wines and give you the definitive scores on the best ever wines."

Sku, Tim, Jason, Davin, David D., Clay, and Chuck: don't be so jealous. You are grown men. Just because you wish you all had Robert Parker's writing talent, his exceptionally refined palette, and his enormous influence on consumer behavior, its no reason to behave this way. This is childish behavior and I expect better from all of you. Lets face it, you gentlemen aren't even half of what Robert Parker is, combined. I expect apologies and retractions of your comments on each of your blogs.

I said a bad word about it, and "Lazer" didn't even mention me, which is probably for the best. I'm far less than half of whatever Robert Parker is but I'm definitely not jealous. If calling out someone of huge influence on random, off-the-cuff, poorly researched reviews is childish, then...well...it's not childish. Seriously how the hell is that childish? You're childish. You and your childish children are childish. And you smell like a monkey.

Hey, I'm not very experienced with this internet flaming thing; y'spose Mr. Parker might consider writing an article on the world's top-rated flames and their scores? I'm pretty sure he's gonna have a lot of research material to work with. Probably more than he did for the whiskey bit :=))