Sunday, December 18, 2011

Build Your Wings On The Way Down

Some things are easily forgotten when you've been with the same person for a long time. Whether it be learning how to cope with the sudden influx of free time you find yourself wallowing in or more simple changes, like no longer having to think about what type of breakfast cereal your partner prefers, there are dozens of little details that sneak up on you. Things you have to relearn or learn to be without. Long past the time when you think your feelings have changed or you've moved on, you'll find yourself suddenly overcome by the most mundane facets of your life. At least this is the way things have worked out for me so far. I go through my days with a relative sort of peace and then I find myself torn up over small details. Oscar Wilde said the details are always vulgar, but I think they're really just heartbreaking.

There are so many other things I allowed myself to forget. I'd forgotten that sometimes people can unassumingly creep into your life and then leave with all the grace of a tornado. I'd forgotten that sometimes your friends can be the only thing that makes life seem bearable, but they can also be the ones who hurt you the most. I'd forgotten how easy it is to fall a little bit in love with the idea of someone. And I'd forgotten how everything can change in the blink of an eye. Strangers become friends and sometimes friends become lovers, but far too often those same people end up being just another part of your past.

I needed to be reminded that sometimes caring for someone is just another way we hurt ourselves.

Kurt Vonnegut said, “Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.” Even though I've always looked inward when I read it, the sentiment works both ways. No matter how much you think someone is just running from the truth, there comes a time when that certainty isn't enough. When you just have to accept the pretense, no matter how much your heart screams for otherwise, because it simply hurts too much not to. I wish it wasn't so, but sometimes letting go is the bravest thing you can do.

I know I'm being terribly vague again, but its hard to admit you could be so wrong about someone. To say you fell for someone who didn't fall back. I don't know why, but when you put your trust in the wrong person you're the one who feels a little ashamed. Like there was something that could have been done differently. Some sign that you just needed to try harder to read. I think the first person you truly care for after a big breakup is the most special. There's something sacred about the affection that's formed out of the shattered pieces of your previous love and hopes. But while it may be the most surprising, and therefore the most touching, it's also the most delicate. All it takes is a little carelessness for it to fall right back apart. So here I am learning how to pick up the pieces once again and just trying to build my wings on the way down.

It's strange how the deterioration of one relationship can teach you so much about the relationships you have with the people all around you. Too bad those lessons aren't always easy.

6 comments:

Are those lessons ever easy? You said, "I needed to be reminded that sometimes caring for someone is just another way we hurt ourselves." I'm not going to promote self-harm, because it's an awful thing. However, there's always a reason for it. More often than not, it's to find out whether or not we can, in fact, still feel pain. Numbness is a lot more terrifying than pain. Oh, sure...it can be great temporarily, but long term? Going through life without sensation is a very scary prospect. And so, just to make sure, we reach out and try to feel something.

That actually reminds me of a quote from one of Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel's Legacy books..."Even a stunted tree reaches towards sunlight." Not to compare you to a stunted tree, as you're not one, but keep reaching. You'll get there. ^.^

Alana, you always have a way of putting things I feel and think and struggle to acknowledge myself, so well. Even though this was a little vague, I'm pretty sure I know what you mean and feel the same way.

I always sound way more depressed than I really am. I swear I'm not reading the Bell Jar thinking about putting my head in the oven! It's just easy to sound sad for some reason. Like thoughtfulness is a bit sorrowful by nature. Or something lol.

Mac: Aw thank you! And you're right of course. It's just hard because you never know if you should let go or hold on tighter and that uncertainty is almost more painful than whatever the outcome may end up being.

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I talk about whatever I fancy, but politics, gender, and religion are the topics that are nearest and dearest to my heart. (The title is “Random Thoughts of a Crazy Liberal.”)

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“And finally I twist my heart round again, so that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside, and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be, and could be, if there weren’t any other people living in the world.”