How the hell do you know what there is and is not?
Telepathic psychopathic telescopic entropic tropical banana daiquiri sipping arachnids.
I will be eating some of them soon I think.
Off to the land of bug eaters. Human aardvarks. Haardvarks. They want to sell you enlightenment, but it's really just a plastic toy made in China with a one day life span that will have you cursing the little slant-eyed industrious fuckers.
Which endangered species would you like for dinner tonight, sir?

Ed was stoned out of his fucking gourd on at least 4 different substances and absinthe and driving 90 mph in his brand new green Lambo, and the crazy fucker starts seeing Pokemon, except he's not playing Pokemon Go, he cuts through a field knocking down a fence, doing at least $10K damage to his new Lambo, chasing some made up Japanese cockfighting cartoon piece of shit that only he can see, and he's headed right for the grandfather of all oak trees, but at least for the moment he wasn't droning on and on about dead Lenore. So I'm shitting my pants and scream, "Poe, a tree!"

I once got my penis caught in a rotary phone, but it wasn't too bad, it just pinched the skin a little bit and it was easy to get out, but it's kind of startling and unsettling to have your penis caught on something and you can get it back and then you get married and have kids and you find yourself like that all the time and find yourself wishing for the days when getting your penis caught in the dial of a rotary phone back in the days when sex-talk 1-800 numbers were just getting started and you borrowed your mom's credit card to see what it was all about and find yourself hugely disappointed like when you first bought sea-monkeys or x-ray glasses and those were made by the same scam artist. I bet you didn't know that.

I bought one of those new fangled calculators that have the cell phone numbers of all the local deities stored in them, but it cannot tell me what the word fangled means. I don't think it has anything to do with werewolves or vampires. I knew a guy that said he was a vampire and he liked to wear edible candy underwear even though he was single.

charles bukowski is
putting his hands on his head
right at this moment

Haiku #58761, by Anonymous Poet of love is not a haiku from hell August 2, 2018 7:06 pm ET

Testicular fortitude
fortress of solitude
sand castles and sea monkeys
picking sea lice off each other
and the sand crabs that your girlfriend caught
for you to eat out at a fancy no-pant restaurant
with her aunt and uncle and Simon and Garfunkel
Funk and Wagnalls wagging funky counter private parts
at Webster's grandma who thinks it's funny anyway.

'But I don't want to go among mad people,' Alice remarked.
'Oh, you can't help that,' said the Cat: 'we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.'
'How do you know I'm mad?' said Alice.
'You must be,' said the Cat, 'or you wouldn't have come here.'

Oh my God, the chickens got out!
When they learn to put knives on their own spur claw without humans doing it to them, is the day the human race will meet its doom. They will slit our throats in unison and KFCs will be burnt to the ground. I've been trying to train them not to attack each other, but to go after the life-like human dummies in the training yard. Go for the jugular. They love me though. They will never turn on me. Don't worry.

I actually like getting shocked, as strange as that sounds. The buzzing, tingling, teeth clenching like tripping on acid for two seconds until you let go and the clan just killed two pigs and a goat for the big fiesta and I'm going to eat some mushrooms and be as obnoxious as possible and hit on my wife's friends and cousins when she's not looking and I'll just blame the drugs, although it's not really the drugs b/c it's preplanned and if you never sin then Jesus died for nothing so it's okay. Have you ever skateboarded on shrooms? No, I guess you never have nor will and I understand. Not everyone climbs mountains and talks to shimmering bushes and does what the bushes tell them to do but they should. I mean, it's that or the fucking TV! Take your pick.
When my children are enraptured with Youtube video game commentaries, I chase them out of the house and tell them to go steal something, do drugs, or throw rocks at old people. One of these days they will listen!