As the problem of music piracy spreads, the Recording Industry
Association of America and the Canadian Recording Industry
Association have been presented with the challenge of combating
these ruthless thieves of music using any and all methods at
their disposal.

Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on who you are)
the RIAA and the CRIA have not been very creative in their
tactics thus far and have only managed to apprehend a mere
261 people from a pool of millions of possible culprits.

Obviously, these groups are falling short of their desired
victim tally because of a lack of gusto. What they need is
more enthusiasm and original ideas for apprehending those pesky
music robbers.

Well, never fear, recording industry bullies! For your convenience,
I have compiled a short but effective list of suggestions sure
to stop illegal downloading culprits in their tracks.

1) Pirates:

Really now, who better to fight piracy than those swashbuckling,
peg-legged, parrot-carrying charmers who aren't afraid to spill
someone's blood for a good cause? Not to mention, I heard they
all look like Johnny Depp. If this is in fact true, proceed
directly to suggestion number four.

2) Free kittens:

The insane cuteness and adorable precociousness of kittens
harbours powers that, until now, have remained untapped by
the general populace. The unholy marriage of irresistible kittens
and the evil recording industry will undoubtedly prove to be
the most successful pairing of cute and evil since Paul McCartney
recorded with Michael Jackson.

3) Torture:

Torture is always effective, particularly if it incorporates
one or more of the following:
a) Photos of Celine Dion.
b) Anything involving P. Diddy's girl-group Dream.
c) Much Music's Rick Campanelli.

4) Sexual favours:

Sure, this one's kind of obvious. But just think of how effective
you were at multi-tasking the last time someone's head was
in your lap. Did you manage to download any songs? Didn't think
so.

5) Turning all downloads into free Clay Aiken songs:

Obviously, this cold-hearted tactic will deter anyone with
even a shred of sanity from ever downloading music.