President Barack Obama cautioned college students last week about the harmful effects of the free flow of information - a social ill typically associated with unfettered technological advancements in a capitalist economy. Speaking to thousands of graduates, their family and friends, the president shared his concern over what his latest intelligence report characterized as "students' misuse of awareness-enhancing gadgets and empowering tools" as merely entertainment devices.

"Today's college graduates are coming of age at a difficult time when the alternative media is not always presenting the current truth according to our specs and we're just wasting valuable time writing detailed instructions for them," he said.

"Even our seasoned media watchdogs are having a hard time sifting through the many voices clamoring for attention on blogs, on cable, on talk radio. Not only does this unnecessarily pressure you to think for yourself and make the so-called 'informed choices,' it also impedes my ability as president to game the system. Let's face it, even some of the craziest internet parodies can quickly become a reality. I've had some experience with that myself," said Obama.

~

Microsoft Corporation responded to president Obama's remarks by releasing a sequel to its best-selling Xbox game, titled Grand Theft Nation.

The game allows players to take on the role of a president of a once prosperous industrial nation, who rises through the ranks of community organizations. The player is given various missions by kingpins who donate to his campaign funds and further his career.

Ruining the economy, taxing the middle class into oblivion, and nationalizing whole industries are required, but frequent golf playing, overseas shopping sprees, beer summits, and apologizing and bowing to foreign dignitaries are optional.

Apple Inc. reacted to Obama's criticism with a new gadget called iProg.

Apple is hoping to beat the competition by winning the president's approval and making iProg the only government-sponsored device approved for mandatory purchasing and/or subsidized distribution among the masses.

The purpose and features of iProg remain a mystery, but we were able to take a snapshot of it at the Capitol Bar and Lounge in Washington DC, where an Apple representative was apparently courting and paying for the drinks of several US Senators.

Speaking of electronic organizers and mind-boggling memory chips, president Obama assured his audiences that a string tied to his finger can do all that and more.

Keeping his criticism constructive, the president then proposed to replace the decadent iPhone with a rope and two coconut shells - a nature-friendly device that had been successfully tested on Gilligan's Island but never made it to mainland due to corporate greed and obstructionism of the telephone companies.

President Obama urged students to learn from other cultures who have created many alternatives to long-distance communications - from "talking drums" to crystal skulls to smoke signals.

"While not entirely carbon-neutral, smoke signals are nonetheless a time-tested First-American custom that needs no infrastructure, promotes outdoorspersonship, and can be safe when supervised by a caring EPA official," Obama said. "Visible to all, smoke signals strengthen the communal spirit by sparking collective outcry if the sender deviates from the majority norms, thus preventing any chance of a conspiracy or developing anti-social, individualistic traits."

"When I promised breathtaking change, I didn't mean you would be upgrading your iPods and video game consoles every few months," the president continued. "My change only referred to the way we slice the American pie, so that you'd vote for me if you want a bigger share. But getting elected was only the beginning; I still need your help. If you want your slices to be equally big, you must continue to empower the government. And to do that you must quit playing your stupid games, dammit, and empower yourselves by raising your awareness about what's in your neighbor's lunchbox and saying 'I want that.' Because empowerment means awareness of your entitlement to your neighbor's lunch."

"The era of single-player video games has been detrimental to raising class consciousness," the president said. "PlayStations and Xboxes aren't conducive to dividing people into oppressed groups and nurturing their collective grievances. Every hour spent on playing video games is an hour not spent with your local community organizer or in a group meeting developing groupthink strategies. And without strong groupthink, without the ability to categorize people by their grievances, we won't be able to win elections and you will be doomed to work for a living and keep what you earn."

President Obama then suggested an easy politically correct alternative to the anti-democratic gadgets. Reaching underneath his colorful ceremonial robe, he produced a puzzle that looked like the Rubik's Cube only it was equally red on all sides: the People's Cube.

"Having all squares of one and the same color guarantees certainty of results and eliminates the stress associated with competition and risk-taking," the president said, rotating the cube and solving it within seconds. "Playing with this puzzle, no group of players can outperform any other group. This completely levels the playing field and guarantees equal outcomes for all. It's what we're also trying to achieve in real life with our mind-blowing economic reforms. A great educational tool, the People's Cube can teach you more about the theory and practice of progressivism than any video game ever could. What's more, it's colorblind-friendly!" (Click here for operating manual).

"To summarize, popular electronic devices have become an obstacle to our steady march towards a better future. Giving them up will be a necessary sacrifice worthy of the dreams of our fathers."

Obama finished reading from his hi-tech teleprompter and held his head up at a photogenic angle, enabling high definition cameras to stream his image to various TV networks feeding the infotainment-hungry nation. Backstage, presidential staff hectically typed his speech into Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace pages, transmitting it through a number of live podcasts, and posting web-ready iPod-snapped photos on the official White House blog.

If Lord O states that electronics hurts the Progressive, then so be it. If Lord O told me that bleeding will cure anemia, so be it. If Lord O tells me that spending more money than exists will cure a recession, despite all the evidence being to the contrary, I shall dutifully, like the Made Prog that I am, march off that cliff with 66,882,230 other people.

But, does that mean that I'll have to give up my cattle prods? How in the hell do you think that I keep Bruno in order? And the Rancho de Rio Grande, with dear Leader Peloski visiting, without a cattle prod just doesn't bear thinking about.

But I won't give up my superheterodyne, phased-antenna-array tin-foil hat.I won't give up the carbon-dioxide laser that Dr. Mengele uses on me at Jiffy-Lobo when I've been thinking too hard and have begun to question my Prog heart.

And I'm NOT GIVING UP my cattle prod.All you have to do, comrade, is rename your cattle prod into iProd. It sounds very much like iProg and has a similar function, so this may create just enough confusion to let you keep it.

Here, I made an officially looking brochure for it. Show it to the inspecting commissar and you will be left alone.

Smoke signaling needs a Fire Department approval too. Which is for the best, of course, as it increases the number of friendly government officials making sure, you aren't inadvertently transmitting anything inappropriate...

Smoke signals! Why didn't I think of that before? We can pick a certain hour of a certain day where everyone will make smoke signals to--what else, comrades? That's right--raise awareness about Global Warming!

It'll be just like Earth Hour, when we raise awareness about Global Warming by turning off all the electric lights that are so bad for the planet and humanity, to call the world's attention to how increased heating of the earth, coupled with more CO2 in the atmosphere caused by constant industrialized burning of fossil fuels, is sucking up all the precious oxygen needed to sustain life! So we turn off the evil electricity and light candles instead.

I see it now! By sending smoke signals into the sky, not only can we send a strong message to the world's leaders that time is running out for the only opportunity they have left to address the need for immediate action on climate change, but the masses will be afforded a firsthand look at what could be their future if they don't start raising more awareness now.

Plus this will be a boon to the carbon credit industry! By Lenin's beard! Obama promised a greener economy with more green jobs, and here they are!

Fraulein, smoke signals are okay as long as they are offset with carbon credits, which you can purchase directly from me.

Additionally, smoke signals cannot be deployed for profit or private enterprise. They can only be used to raise awareness about the approved issues du jour, like Global Warming, or to send word to the masses about all the many things the Obama Administration is doing to keep its boot on the throat of BP.

Also, I've recently noticed the White House has a penchant for releasing photos of Dear Leader sitting on the sofa in the Oval Office with papers on his lap, with other people sitting around him. The purpose of these photos is to show us that he's being briefed on whatever crisis is afoot, therefore we should be assured he's doing something about it. I don't know how to transmit these photos via smoke signal, so that must be where the crystal skulls come in.

Fraulein, smoke signals are okay as long as they are offset with carbon credits, which you can purchase directly from me.

Additionally, smoke signals cannot be deployed for profit or private enterprise. They can only be used to raise awareness about the approved issues du jour, like Global Warming, or to send word to the masses about all the many things the Obama Administration is doing to keep its boot on the throat of BP.

Also, I've recently noticed the White House has a penchant for releasing photos of Dear Leader sitting on the sofa in the Oval Office with papers on his lap, with other people sitting around him. The purpose of these photos is to show us that he's being briefed on whatever crisis is afoot, therefore we should be assured he's doing something about it. I don't know how to transmit these photos via smoke signal, so that must be where the crystal skulls come in.

OH! That is such a relief to know! I am also of hopefulness that burning wood to make beet soup, beet stew and beet beets, is also permissible? We could set up some signal, if that would make such endeavor more acceptable? Here is one of our lovely workers, teaching smoke signals to "volunteers" at the gulag. Do not notice the dead meat products!!! He has already been brutallypunished reprimanded.

Iprod? Iprog? Who is in charge of item naming? Peoples prod or PProd perhaps. Peoples Prog or PProg moreover.When it comes to prodding and progging never forget the people. One cannot prod or prog without them.We after all here for the people are we not? Therefore let them know we will never forget why we lead and they follow.PProg on.May the PProd be with you.The one working was PProded? I notice the Party Elite lounging in the background as it should be. I do not see the shovel. Where is the shovel?

Obama has "a Rubik's Cube in his brain."

Just as this story was published, NBC showcased a sycophantic author glorifying Obama's first year in office, who wrote in his book that Obama has "a Rubik's Cube in his brain."

Of course, the author never mentioned that the Rubik's Cube in the messiah's head was equally red on all sides, guaranteeing certainty of korrekt results. This mistake was later corrected by a commenter on NewsBusters, who wrote

Red, I am overwhelmed. iProd. You have no idea how much easier that has made my life. I have now of course many of them, one in every room. When Bruno starts to act up, it's iProd to the rescue. All I have to do now is just stroke it and he stops instantly with "Lady of Spain."

And even Nanski is scared of it.

I think that we should start to sell iProds at ProgMarg. I don't know if the iProd is to promote KorreKt values or to shut people up, but either way, I'm in all the way.

This whole smoke signal idea is simply wrong. It is environmentally irresponsible, ecologically unsustainable, and nobody has been paying any attention to me while I stand over in the corner with the "I am s-o-o-o-o bored with all you terminal posers and I don't need your attention" look on my face.

That's why I say we should all be using the real technological wonder that is approved by the Administration and chanted over and over by glassy-eyed proles from sea to shining sea: a pair of soup cans on a string. Yes, WeCan!

WeCan, ladies and gentlemen, the wonder of the ages. It uses no electricity! It produces no emissions! Yes...WeCan!

WeCan, ladies and gentlemen, the wonder of the ages. It uses no electricity! It produces no emissions! Yes...WeCan!Indeed! Think of how much the Yes WeCan™ program can help the country by...

1. not polluting it with electronics 2. not polluting it with soup cans3. keeping the populace busy by having them tinker with empty cans.

Our Yes WeCan™ program empowers the youth by enabling them to:

- have enhanced, more intimate dinner conversations using the cans they've just emptied- play innovative music with metal, plastic, and glass containers- build houses for the poor from the above materials (they eat plenty of canned food)- create robot suits for a better, scientific future- make modern sculptures and other works of art

Enough of this "Do as we say, not as we do" nonsense. If we want the American people to trust us again, we must live up to our own policies of minimized consumption, energy savings, and container recycling!

Not at all, Fraulein. It was the most intimate contact I've had in years. The caress of your leathery fingers was fully worth the superfluous bit of medula oblongata you ripped away and devoured.

And may I congratulate you on the apparent success in getting a People's Cube implant for your left (ah, how apropriate!) breast?

Red Square, it seems to me that the Party is all about offering choices to the People, bless their pointy little heads and incessant yammering. I am so gratified that my suggestion for the WeCan has met with a favorable response that I am now bold enough to suggest yet another presidentially (dare I say "divinely?") inspired communications device. Lugging a pile of firewood and a blanket around to make smoke signals is a bit of toil and travail that we can spare the poor prole, thanks to His Obamaness's nicotine habit.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the "iPuff" a fully self contained personal smoke-signal generator, available in convinient packs of 20. If you don't have access to a WeCan, simply light up an iPuff and signal away!

Not at all, Fraulein. It was the most intimate contact I've had in years. The caress of your leathery fingers was fully worth the superfluous bit of medula oblongata you ripped away and devoured.

And may I congratulate you on the apparent success in getting a People's Cube implant for your left (ah, how apropriate!) breast?

Red Square, it seems to me that the Party is all about offering choices to the People, bless their pointy little heads and incessant yammering. I am so gratified that my suggestion for the WeCan has met with a favorable response that I am now bold enough to suggest yet another presidentially (dare I say "divinely?") inspired communications device. Lugging a pile of firewood and a blanket around to make smoke signals is a bit of toil and travail that we can spare the poor prole, thanks to His Obamaness's nicotine habit. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the "iPuff" a fully self contained personal smoke-signal generator, available in convinient packs of 20. If you don't have access to a WeCan, simply light up an iPuff and signal away!

I am of so much relief that your up close if not impersonal experience with my beet laden leathery fingers was as gratifying for you, as it was for me. And I might add I'm of hope the chocolate washed off adequately.

"iPuff"s I delighted! There's nothing like a wee puff after a long day of beet supervision.

Ah yes. The iPuff. And this is a twofer too--smoke signals and honking great tobacco taxes and we get to kill people off before the social security kicks in or an expensive old age. And by that time we'll have worked them to death anyway, as Claudius Appius did his road-building slaves.

Still, there is something to be said for cans. Especially steel cans. I have been told that I have risen to my empyrean progitude owing to my ability to sit through any number of meetings of the Central Committee at the Rancho. That's where I got my steel can.

And, Betinov, I always see you sitting there in the corner sulking but to notice you would detract from my sulking so as far as I'm concerned, when I'm in the room you're invisible.

And anyway, who will be looking at you when there is the splendor of the palisades of the Worthy Fraulein's prodigious dugs?

Hee hee hee! I remember that day, Red. I had just said "Y'know, we could lower taxes and reduce government interference in people's lives to stimulate the economy" just to see what kind of faces His Obamaness and Jackboot Nancy would pull. Nancy actually wet herself! It was terrific!

I'm with Dear Leader on this. All these gadgets and IT technology are distractions to the real business at hand. That being the creation of the Socialist Paradise that we've all been waiting for. How many Tuesdays must go by? It'll take forever with everyone's nose in a laptop or cell phone.

Not to mention the Internet and the Reich Wingers use of it to blaspheme Dear Leader and promote their lies about our beloved Congress. Just the other day I was so relieved to see Comrade Chedoh's post that all the Obama/Hitler Bunker videos had been removed by YouTube.

My joy was short lived. I nearly spit out my morning coffee when I happened upon this piece of trash. Sure enough, another Obama/Hitler Bunker video. Will the blasphemy never end?

Yes Fraulein, I noticed. Not a lot of sun down in the bunker. The mustache is quite becoming, but as my old friend Hannibal in Baltimore once said; "I love the suit". Dear Leader should wear it all the time.

Hmmmmmm, odd the first comment after the video was posted by Fraulein Pulloskies. What was the comment made by dear Fraulein? Oh yea; "I love the Hitler stuff".

Oh, dear Rasputin, you're so much more than a humble Spiritual Adviser. I mean spiritual in the right way, of course--the collectivist spirit. I know you're a lot more because for some reason you just, uh, keep hanging around.

Fellow socialists, let us celebrate the Indestructible Comrade. Grigori Efimovich Rasputin! While he's been at the Rancho I've poisoned him, set the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits on him. Bruno tried a stiletto heel to the temple--it didn't work in 2010 any better than a century ago.

"Indestructible Comrade""The Kryptonite Prog" As usual Commissar Theocritus. you drive the Stake of Truth right to the heart of the matter. Turned 140 years last October thanks to my friend Dr. Frank(enstein) and the finest Soviet experimental science.

100 Years AgoActually it was a knife in the back. Delivered by that creep Felix. The media had a field day with that. "The Mad Monk is dead", "The Monster is dead" and they made a national hero out of Felix. They had a 50 foot megaphone mounted on a rail car and broadcast their lies all over the Motherland. Damn media.

Communist China and I have the same birthday, but they only turned 60. Still, I often wonder............ Remember the old saying "The good die young" ?

The Rancho is THE place to be and yet the Show Trial gang all went to Cube Island instead. Well I hope they had fun because that Island was used for nuclear testing in the early 50's and is the Jimmy Carter rabbits place of origin. They're probably glowing very nicely by now.

Guaca Mole? Heavens, Red. That's only Rahm. It's the look that they have in common, you know.

Leninka, there's only one problem with eating the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits. Well, too. First, no matter what you marinate them in--diesel, formaldehyde--they still remind you of, well, Jimmy Carter.

Second problem the nano Jimmy Carter rabbits were patterned after the wit, wisdom, intelligence, and successes of Jimmy Carter. Not on his ego. This means that they are 1/100 the size of a brine shrimp. It takes about 10,000 to feed a kitten, and that's if you don't like cats. Because the taste of 10,000 fried-up nano Jimmy Carter rabbits is 10,000 worse than the taste of one Jimmy Carter.

Rasputin, have your fun at Cube Island. I'm making ProgMart here in West Texas, where one can find the finest furnishings, heriditaments (that's what it's all about, isn't it?) and accessories for the Prog Life.

That means that Pecos, Texas, will soon be Prog Mecca. We'll have Hollywood types jetting in for the latest sneer at something that they can't comprehend because it's more complicated than their makeup.

We'll have the Supreme Prog here. The People's Court of Justice. The Museum to the Common Man and Womyn. And the tractor museum.

That means that Pecos, Texas, will soon be Prog Mecca. We'll have Hollywood types jetting in for the latest sneer at something that they can't comprehend because it's more complicated than their makeup.

We'll have the Supreme Prog here. The People's Court of Justice. The Museum to the Common Man and Womyn. And the tractor museum.

Yall come!As we speak, outside of the tractor museum, Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) is going to attempt a spectacular jump over 1,000 Obama supporters with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.

I just received an email advising me that there are only 4 tickets left. Should be a good time.

Betinov, your idea of a Stalin Storehouse is a good one. Too bad that I've already trademarked that name. Oh, not out of competition, of course, but it's just out of respect to dear Joseph, you know.

This makes me think. We could have Trotsky Pods--you know, those pods that people put in their driveways and pack household goods into. These are pods where you put the bodies that you find yourself inconvenienced with. After the pod is full, or the flies are an aeronautical problem, Trotsky Pods will come and replace your pod with a clean and fresh one.

Red, I do love that sort of demonstration. But let me please offer a word of advice to the drive. Lay the Obama supports like sardines. Side by side but head to foot and foot to head. That's so that when he drives the Caterpillar the heads won't cause uneven wear on one side.

Huh! Theo, you don't know a thing about nature. That caterpillar will transform into a bee-yoo-tee-full butterfly just as it leaves the ramp and float gently over the assembled progs, wafting little puffs of sweet-scented air as it passes. It will then fly away to the big Rainbow Mountains, there to frolic with the unicorns and chipmunks and happy little squirrels whose mother voted for Obama.

Of course if even one prog DOESN'T clap their hands and truly believe in Hope and Change, then the magic will not happen and the caterpillar will stay a caterpillar and you'll need to take a firehose to your parking lot.

Either way, it should be entertaining.

And by the way, I run the Stalin Storehouse, and have done so for quite some time. Our flagship store is in the Red Star Shopping Center, right next to Ushankas-R-Us. Remember when we had that big blow out sale on Genuine Obama Brand Snake Oil in January 2009?

You may have squirrels in Central Park but we have the squirrels of T. Boone Pickens and H. Ross Perot, proving that squirrels are not sufficient to make a blue state.

Betinov, I love your idea of the Hopey-Changey Flying Caterpillar. It will fly, if we only believe. We'll shut our eyes and think of Mary Poppins' umbrella--or Trotsky's axe--and then the Caterpillar can fly to the Big Rainbow Mountains, and when it comes back from the unicorns and chipmunks it will give us another book of the Gospel According to Gore, or GAG.

GAG tells us what we may buy. What we may wear. What we may think. GAG stands for Generally Accepted Thinking Rules. Accountants have GAAP; we have GAG.

Cube Island's not radioactive. We cleaned that up years ago. At least I think so. Made up the story to everyone off the Island. There's work to be done, more thought criminals to process and whatever else it is that we do around here.

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand

China launches cube-shaped space object with a message to aliens: "The inhabitants of Earth will steal your intellectual property, copy it, manufacture it in sweatshops with slave labor, and sell it back to you at ridiculously low prices"

Progressive scientists: Truth is a variable deduced by subtracting 'what is' from 'what ought to be'

Experts agree: Hillary Clinton best candidate to lessen percentage of Americans in top 1%

America's attempts at peace talks with the White House continue to be met with lies, stalling tactics, and bad faith

Starbucks new policy to talk race with customers prompts new hashtag #DontHoldUpTheLine

Hillary: DELETE is the new RESET

Charlie Hebdo receives Islamophobe 2015 award; the cartoonists could not be reached for comment due to their inexplicable, illogical deaths

Russia sends 'reset' button back to Hillary: 'You need it now more than we do'

Barack Obama finds out from CNN that Hillary Clinton spent four years being his Secretary of State

President Obama honors Leonard Nimoy by taking selfie in front of Starship Enterprise