Category Archives: Story

“Admirable! Superlative! Top of the list! Gentlemen, you are indeed fortunate that I invited you here!” I study the greedy faces of my two compatriots—the estimable Donatas Ludditis (good old Don) as well as the execrable Loop Lonagan and his stinking bull terrier, Clamps. (Claims it’s a therapy dog.) We are here as judges, along with a crowd of luminaries from Chicago’s startup community for the finals of the tenth annual POWER PITCH competition. Today we will hear pitches from a host of exciting new companies. Yes sir! The enthusiasm is riveting.

Remembering the Olympics

by John Jonelis

“That’s just wrong!” says Loop Lonagan as he grabs his remote control, skips ahead on the DVR, and a major Olympic event flashes by the screen too fast to recognize. We immediately voice our outrage—all of us: Mark T Wayne, William Shakes, Donatas Ludditis, and me.

T.WAYNE – “Go back—go back you idiot!”

ME – “What’d we just miss?”

T.WAYNE – “The entire race—that’s what we missed! Execrable!”

Things are usually more congenial. We like watching the Olympics at Lonagan’s penthouse condo. And we like the 20 ft. OLED Jumbotron, the glass-wall view of the lake, the Swedish waitresses plying us with drinks and food as we wallow in reclining chairs. Who wouldn’t? Every two years we do it—our own private marathon! AND WE WATCH IT ALL. Skipping events is not taken lightly.

Loop records every event on every station and presents it all to us in the most excellent way. He’s a master of the remote! His skill and judgement add immeasurably to our enjoyment! We race past the talking heads. Don’t even stop to hear athlete interviews. Who has time or patience for such drivel? There’s always another sport to watch and no shortage at all! And every one of them is performed with such extraordinary skill! I absolutely love watching the Olympics this way.

Take figure skating for instance. Before Loop created our marathon, I’d watch the event live and quickly overflow with indignation at unfair judging. I’d get rowdy, vocal, and loud—probably turn purple—and spoil my appreciation of the skill displayed on ice. I hate to imagine my effect on other poor souls cursed by close proximity to my fury. Loop eliminates all that. Turns out, I find the sport a whole lot more enjoyable if we just watch the excellent skating and wait till the end to see the lineup of winners.

But this time, he’s taken it upon himself to skip an entire event without so much as asking for a vote.

T.WAYNE – “May I point out, Mr. Lonagan, that your action is entirely outside the realm of polite behavior and unbecoming a host. We agreed to vote. Because of that rule, I sat through a flighty ice dancing competition night after night—certainly not an event worthy of Olympic glory like biathlon or hockey—and I held my tongue (if not my liquor) and filed no complaint! But this—this is inexcusable!”

LUDDITIS – “I agree with Mr. Wayne. Is not right what you do. You must go back.”

With the revolt heated and noisy, Loop’s dog Clamps wakes up and quick as a short track skater, snaps food off plates precariously perched on large bellies. I hold my shrimp cocktail high over my head, hoping he doesn’t attack. An 85 lb. Bull Terrier is capable of snapping a 2×4 with his jaws.

LONAGAN – “Clamps! Down! Okay you guys—if that’s what you’se all want. I’m windin’ it back. But yer all gonna be sorry. Just sayin’.”

LUDDITIS – “Is better you do right thing.”

T.WAYNE – “Here, here!”

Lonagan cues up the recording and the first competitors in doubles luge begin their run.

LUDDITIS – (wiping his glasses) “Something not right. I see two stiff bodies—piled like corpses.”

SHAKES – “Tis a foul sled that slides no good.”

ME – “What’s the purpose of the second guy, anyway? Looks to me like the one on the bottom gets his stuffings squeezed out. Kinda awkward.”

T.WAYNE – “Patently vulgar and preposterous! Ought not to be allowed!”

SHAKES – “When we are born we cry that we are come to this great stage of fools”

LONAGAN – “I tried t’ spare you guys all that pain. There’s hardly room fer ONE guy on dem little lude sleds. And think about it—they practice like that fer four whole years. Kinda stretches da ‘magination, don’t it? ‘Course, it might be good if just one of ‘em went down holdin’ a greased pig. Er maybe a keg and see who can empty it the fastest.”

LUDDITIS – “I wonder if parents are proud.”

T.WAYNE – “Those men should be taken out and shot!”

LONAGAN – “Okay dat’s unanimous. Let’s see what we got next.”

And while we watch the next sport, I attempt to drive the foul image out of my memory.

How does a Type A find rest from the daily barrage of demands and decisions? Alternate activity, of course! Here’s my best pick for a quick weekend retreat. This is too much fun to keep to myself. Continue reading →

“Whaddaya think is da best Christmas gift o’ dem all?” Loop Lonagan puts this puerile question in a peculiar verbal form he calls the American language just as Donatis Ludditis and I innocently raise a Christmas toast at that notable Chicago landmark, Ludditis Shots & Beer. The place offers several distinct advantages. Our host never presents a bill for our proclivities and the back room houses our magazine offices.

“I got best gift! Is this!” Ludditis states his case in his Lithuanian accent, and passes fancy boxes across the table. “This one for you, Mr. Wayne. Is Christmas!”Continue reading →

Howard Brookins Jr, the alderman for Chicago’s 21st ward, was biking along Cal-Sag Trail on Nov. 13, when a squirrel darted into his path. The squirrel wrapped itself in the spokes of the alderman’s bicycle. [The Washington Post.] According to the alderman, “I can think of no other reason for this squirrel’s actions than that it was like a suicide bomber, getting revenge.” [The Chicago Tribune.]

If this is revenge, there is good reason for it. Yes sir! As the Post also reports: “Brookins denounced the eastern gray squirrel in a Chicago City Council meeting and has publicly spoken out about a toothy menace.” He complains of “aggressive squirrels that undermine efforts to overhaul the city’s trash carts.” [Chicago Sun Times] He claims that squirrels are gnawing through garbage cart lids at a cost to the city of $300,000! Continue reading →

“The last real American sports story—the story of the team that couldn’t and seemingly never would—is gone for good… [Rick Morrissey – Sun Times] Now I watch in shocked delight as the Cub’s sleeping bats come alive! A leadoff home run…

“…ending more than a century of flops, futility and frustration.” [Ronald Blum – Associated Press] …now more runs—a lot more runs, but way too many innings left to go… Continue reading →

Avid fisherman John Jonelis was enjoying some late night fly-fishing on the Pere Marquette River in Michigan when he had a close encounter with something not swimming upstream.

“I’m casting a fly called a Crystal Bullet with a number 4 hook on a sink tip,” said Jonelis. “This beautiful Chinook Salmon practically bends my number 10 Recon in half but after about an hour, I land it. Al snaps a picture, then all this happens. Me and my salmon get lifted by a glowing ray into some giant saucer-like ship that smells of fish inside.”Continue reading →

Lotsa people keep tellin’ me good things about Bob’s Bad Poetryso I’m checkin’ it out. Yeah, yeah, I know what yer thinkin’. But there’s no law against an angel investor goin’ in fer high culture. That’s right, I like literature ‘n’ modern art too—’specially the abstract stuff. You got some problem with that, bud? Hey, me fodder and me mudder’s both Irish ‘n’ both poets, so’s I got it in da genes. Maybe you already figured that out from da way I talk. Continue reading →