In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.

Marvin: Chad! Chad, get down here! We’re due at the team complex in 20 minutes!

Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’!

What’s goin’ on? What’s the scoopty poop?

Marvin: We have get over to the team complex right now. I want you running routes with Carson early and often.

Ocho: Okay, Coach. Okay. But before we do all that, there’s something I want to show you. I think I may have solved a lot of our problems, Coach. No lie.

Marvin: How’s that?

Ocho: Okay. So listen, I’ve been thinking about our QB situation. You know how Carson’s always hurt and shit? I think I found a solution. Peep this.

Marvin: Peep what? That’s a fish.

Ocho: Wrong. This is OUR NEW STARTING QUARTERBACK.

Marvin: …

Ocho: Listen, I picked up little Ray Lewis Jr. here yesterday. And I’ve been studying him, you know? I’ve been scouting him and shit. And lemme tell you, THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAS POISE. Look at him! He doesn’t even blink!

Marvin: That’s because he has no eyelids.

Ocho: Even better! I mean, nothing gets to this guy. I tried to rattle him. I broke your dishes in front of him. I pooped in the tank. I showed him a fish sticks box. I even yelled at him. I said HEY FISH, I’MMA STEAL YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND LET HER LIVE IN MY SANDCASTLE, BITCH! And he just kept on keepin’ on. THAT’S A QUARTERBACK. It’s like he’s cold blooded!

Marvin: He IS cold blooded. All fish are cold blooded.

Ocho: Oh, please. Now you’re telling me all fish are superpowered sea monsters with cold blood and no eyelids? MAYBE AT SEA WORLD.

Marvin: No, it’s true. All fish are like that.

Ocho: But you don’t KNOW that. You’ve never met all the fish out there. There’s gotta be hundreds of them!

Marvin: Look, Chad. I could argue with you about this all day. But it doesn’t matter, because that’s a fish, and FISH CAN’T PLAY FUCKING FOOTBALL.

Ocho: Well, how do you know that? You ever watch a fish try and play football?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: Then how do you know they can’t play?

Marvin: Well Chad, it could be because fish have no fucking arms or legs.

Ocho: Yeah, but they could.

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could.

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could.

Marvin: But they don’t.

Ocho: But they could! I’ve seen videos about revolution.

Marvin: E-volution.

Ocho: I’m sorry. I don’t know who Eve O’Lushion is. I’m talking about REVOLUTION, when the fucking fish crawled out of the ocean and became men.

Marvin: What’s your point?

Ocho: How do you know that little Ray Lewis Jr. here couldn’t crawl out of his little baggie, grow some arms and legs, and start winning us some damn games?

Marvin: Because evolution is a process that takes years and years, Chad.

Ocho: So what you’re saying is that you aren’t patient enough to develop him.

Marvin: No. I don’t mean it takes three years. I mean it takes MILLIONS OF FUCKING YEARS. Okay? That’s how long evolution takes. It doesn’t happen after two years of fucking tutoring.

Ocho: Oh, please. How could it take millions of years? Look at you. Look at me. We’re here. Right?

Marvin: Yes.

Ocho: I rest my case. We evolved. How long did it take us to evolve? Couldn’t have been more than a day or two.

Marvin: No, I mean that we AS A FUCKING SPECIES took millions of years to evolve. Do you understand? We evolved as a collective group of animals. Evolution isn’t about one individual mutating from a fish into a man.

Ocho: I don’t know about that. I remember swimming a lot when I was young. How do you know I wasn’t a fish?

Marvin: Because you weren’t.

Ocho: But I could have been. I COULD HAVE BEEN A FISH CHILD.

Marvin: No. You were a fucking person.

Ocho: Look, coach. All I’m saying is that if fish had arms and legs and torsos and heads, then they could easily play quarterback, AND DO IT WELL.

Marvin: If a fish had legs and arms and a torso and a head, it wouldn’t be a fish.

Ocho: Yes it would.

Marvin: No it wouldn’t. It would be a man.

Ocho: It would be a man fish! A man fish could play quarterback. I’m certain of it. And I think that’s something we need to consider. We should sign more men fish. And I know exactly how to attract them to Cincy. We let them ride for an hour… ON CAR BOAT.

CAAAAR BOAT! THE BOAT WITH CARS!

DUN DUN DUN! CAR BOAT!

They could bring their fish children.

Marvin: Okay. Again, there are no men fish. THEY DON’T FUCKING EXIST. And even if fish had arms and legs, they’d still have NO FUCKING BRAIN. They don’t know how to speak, or talk, or process information. They can’t even fucking breathe fucking air.

Ocho: They can’t?

Marvin: No. They can only breathe through the water.

Ocho: Breathe through the water? OKAY, NOW YOU CRAZY FOR REAL. No one can breathe through the water.

Marvin: Yes, they can. Look at the gills. It breathes through the gills.

Ocho: The gills? Oh, you mean the water pussy?

Marvin: That’s not a water pussy.

Ocho: Looks like a water pussy to me. I saw a Japanese movie once where some little rice dude fucked a fish right in the water pussy.

Marvin: Those are the gills. They serve no reproductive purpose.

Ocho: How do you know? I’ve never seen YOU score any hot water pussy.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT. I AM TRYING TO GET YOU OUT THE DOOR SO WE CAN HAVE A REAL TRAINING SESSION THAT ACTUALLY IMPROVES THIS TEAM, AND YOU’RE SITTING HERE TALKING ABOUT FUCKING FISH. FISH CAN’T PLAY FOOTBALL, YOU STUPID FUCK. THEY CAN’T GROW ARMS, OR LEGS, AND YOU FUCKING WEREN’T A FISH WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER. YOU WERE THE SAME BREATHTAKING FUCKHEAD YOU ARE NOW. YOU FUCKING ASSHAT. A FUCKING WATER PUSSY? ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED?

Ocho: What if the fish played defense? I bet Ray Lewis could show Ray Lewis Jr. a solid swim move.

Join The Discussion

I was wondering when Ocho was going to take a dump in a fish bowl. It was only a matter of time.

03.10.09 at 1:39 pm

JAFO

One of these days, Marvin’s gonna just say ‘fuckit’ and put a bullet between Ol’ Ocho’s eyes.

03.10.09 at 1:39 pm

lil' wayne chrebet

how did ocho not use the existence of mermaids to prove all of his points? I want to see Marvin try and argue that. I mean everyone knows that mermaids exist and of course they got that hot water pussy.

03.10.09 at 1:42 pm

Big Daddy Drew

That’s a fair point.

03.10.09 at 1:42 pm

spanky datass

What! No vainglory stricken J.T. of clan O’Sullivan?

/agahst
// or just a gash

03.10.09 at 1:43 pm

Arlow

That water pussy smells like fish.

03.10.09 at 1:46 pm

Sage Rosencopter

Big Tuna could have played the role of manfish

03.10.09 at 1:48 pm

Fletch Lives

@lil wayne

because that would be to “logical” for ocho. that’s not how 85 rolls…

03.10.09 at 1:49 pm

Fletch Lives

*too

03.10.09 at 1:50 pm

KD's185

If Ocho fucked that hot water pussy on car boat, he’d father some damn good fish-man wide-receivers. Crazy retarded fish-men, but man could they catch a ball with those webbed hands.

03.10.09 at 2:02 pm

Ocho Cinco Fan Club

The biggest leap of faith I take when reading these is the assumption that Ocho has the skills required to survive on a day to day basis. Especially when you consider the threats against his life posed by people sent over the edge by his antics and common everyday objects like the floor.

03.10.09 at 2:36 pm

Dan From Chicago

Aquaman would like a word with Marvin.

03.10.09 at 2:48 pm

Gino Tourettsa

EVOLUTIONARY SCIENTIST: Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

OCHO: But how do you know that?

03.10.09 at 2:53 pm

Charlie Villanuevas Eyebrows

Can I use water pussy as an insult?

Like: “Shut your water pussy, bitch.” Does that work?

03.10.09 at 2:54 pm

Major Mel Funkshun

Jesus, what ever you do DON’T SHOW OCHO A TADPOLE!

03.10.09 at 3:35 pm

jbone

Please, God. Just let J.T. O’Sullivan start ONE game this year. That week of practice, and the conversations birthed from it, will be PHENOMENAL.

03.10.09 at 3:37 pm

J.L White

I think I’ve figured out the answer to every FUCKING RETARDED question Ocho asks:

“Because I said so.”

03.10.09 at 3:56 pm

Dr Kenneth Noisewater

Kevin Costner truly disagrees with Marvin.

03.10.09 at 3:58 pm

Slothrop

I imagine that this dialogue, including shitting in a bowl, happened at the Phish reunion this weekend.

Ocho could have argued that Vince Young is a fish-man. I don’t know how, but he would have found a way.

03.10.09 at 4:05 pm

Gino Tourettsa

Aquaman would like a word with Marvin.

Aquaman could be an interpreter for the new QB- he’d finally be useful for something. Then maybe the other Super Friends would stop playing Keep-Away with his gloves and stuffing him into lockers at the Hall of Justice.

03.10.09 at 4:06 pm

Your Wife's Lipstick

As someone who had way too many of these conversations in college with the kids from Real Life…

Long, slow clap.

03.10.09 at 4:19 pm

Needs More Cheerleaders

I bet Ray Lewis could show Ray Lewis Jr. a solid swim move.

Ray Ray say ain’t no fish ever swam like Ray Ray.

Awesome, Drew. Just awesome.

03.10.09 at 4:33 pm

Rick

I COULD HAVE BEEN A FISH CHILD.

/slowclap

03.10.09 at 7:58 pm

Boatdrinks

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU ARE A FUCKTARD! (I was hollering in my mind by the Fish Child line. Excellent, get me hollering at a story.)

03.10.09 at 11:08 pm

rofl my waffle

Honestly the funniest stuff on the site as of recent. Excellent my brothers…

I’d love some more dumb ben, god I love that stuff.

03.11.09 at 6:18 am

dAndy

There is one big piece of falsetto info in this story. Everyone knows black people can’t swim.

/just kidding…I know at least 2 or 3 that can…1 of them actually will

03.11.09 at 9:20 am

JG

You are a funny fuck.

03.11.09 at 11:42 am

Daddymag

Concrete cyanide.

03.11.09 at 12:55 pm

Clancy's Bar & Gorilla

” I’ve never seen YOU score any hot water pussy.”
Just spit all over my desk at work,
KSK at its finest

03.11.09 at 3:17 pm

Foxxy Brown

@ Spanky — i honestly thought of our man J.T. when i read this: “They don’t know how to speak, or talk, or process information. They can’t even fucking breathe fucking air.”

/also thought of Alex Smith. stupid unsexy 49ers

03.11.09 at 3:40 pm

jackin'4beats

Drew, you are fucking insane. That was funny as hell…now you really need to share the name your connect who’s hooking you up with all the good shit. We’d like to do some bidness with said person.

03.11.09 at 6:24 pm

Texinole

Fish go REEF MOE!

03.12.09 at 1:07 pm

MorelOrelHershiser

The Car Boat tag has lived much longer than I ever would have believed.