Monday, October 4, 2010

Guess What? I am not a Robot.

I would like to preface this by saying that I wrote the paragraphs below about a week or two ago, and then gave myself time to reflect and let it sit for a while, so my heart on some things has changed since I've written this. Also, when I write, my heart is usually changed by the time I've finished. God uses writing to heal whatever is ailing me. He strengthens me and gives me courage through His promises. He reminds me of His love for me through writing. Usually I edit out everything before this realization. I write out all of my frustrations and struggles and then by the end of it God's promises are spewing out from my keyboard. Usually I just publish the God's promises parts and leave out my own personal junk. But not today. Today you get the personal junk AND the good stuff. Because I'm not all good stuff. No one is. And so, to show just how human I am, and how amazing God is, you are getting all of it. Now, it's going to be long and maybe a tiny bit disorganized, but that's life...

So, It's about that time. The time when I start to recognize and analyze certain aspects of my life. I actually do this quite often. And usually, in order to fully grasp these new revelations, I write about them. It's therapeutic...

I can't make myself attach. It's a part of that whole anti-vulnerability thing I struggle with. It's like, I can't remember the last time I was really hurt. I can't remember my last PURE joy. I think it was Hong Kong. But I'm not SURE. I don't even think I was fully attached there. It was definitely the closest I'd gotten in a LONG time. But I can't say it was 100% of myself invested.

I need to break. Breaking is the only way I've ever really grown. And that's because I've set myself up not to break. I've done a really good job of protecting myself. But it turns out I've just made myself not really love anything. Loving means making yourself vulnerable. Loving means taking the risk to break. And I don't even mean in a relationship between a boy and a girl. I mean with anything. Loving always means taking a risk. You take the risk that this thing you've chosen to love will be taken away, or it won't be what you thought. I have loved before. I loved and lost. And I don't know if I can say that it was worth it. People always say, rather to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. But I'm not really sure that's true. My first love wrecked me. Ripped my heart to shreds. I was made vulnerable in every single aspect of my life, and I was so happy. It was amazing. For two years, it was great. And then it ended, and all of a sudden that vulnerableness that I had become confident in became a wound. And salt was thrown in it. Over and over again. One night, after a particularly painful phone call, my mom told me I had to start guarding my heart. So I did. That night, I made the decision to never let my heart be broken again. I stitched up my wounds and lifted my head up. I put on a mask of security in hopes that soon, it would become a feeling instead of a facade. But along with sewing up the pain of that night and those words, I sewed up secret pains and insecurities. It was like poison. Every now and then I still get hit with the side effects. Those wounds haven't been re-opened. It's been 4 years of poison being trapped in my body. And I know it's unhealthy, but it's a little too scary to re-open. I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that. And ever since then, I haven't let very many people close to those wounds. Not many people have seen me weak. Not many people have seen my scars. I hate them. I hate weakness.

The problem with that is.. God loves weakness. And I am called to love what He loves, and hate what He hates. He hates when I try and do it myself. He hates when I am hurting. He hates when I don't give Him everything. Yet I've made my hurt my own. I've done it myself. I just can't let it go. Even writing this, knowing what God wants, I'm doing something else. I usually find cleansing and healing when I write. But I'm not fixed yet. And that scares me. It scares me that I know what I'm supposed to do, and I'm not doing it. It scares me to admit that I'm doing something that is in opposition with what God wants.

Normally, I'd just delete all of this and instead write about what had been revealed to me through writing about my insufficiencies, rather than putting them on display. But I'm on this kick where I've decided to be genuine and really starting to accept who I am for ALL that I am, even my struggles. And I guess it's time to let everyone else in on who I am. And by showing what a mess I am, I can show how NOT a mess God is, and how much I need him.

For years, the love I had for God was enough to cover all of the hurt and pain. He brought me joy. He healed me and told me I was pure and good and that He loved me. But the problem is, I never let him deal with that 17 year old girl who thought she had to fix herself. That 17 year old girl who had severe injuries that were self-treated when she really just needed to go to The Healer. I still haven't let Him have that part of me. And that alone should scare me in to action. The fact that I'm keeping something from Him, should break me. It should pull me to the cross. But I haven't let it. I haven't let myself. And I don't even think I know how to anymore. And the worst part is, there's a part of me who doesn't even want to. I don't know if I can. I don't know if it's possible to remove all of the layers of protection, of scar tissue. I know it's going to hurt, and for some reason I can't see beyond that. Sometimes we let ourselves be defined by our struggles, or by our past, or our pain. We know our struggles. We know our pain. We live them every day. But we don't know healing. We can't seem to recall what it feels like when Jesus takes our place. And we are afraid of what we don't know. The enemy puts this doubt in our heart. He tells us that if you break, no one is going to be there to put you back together. He tells us to just keep holding on to ourselves, that we're strong enough and that we're capable and that we can keep going on, but that is a LIE! We are not strong enough. We are not capable. We cannot hold ourselves together. We have to trust in Jesus. We have to trust that HE is strong enough, because He is. HE is capable. HE will put us back together when we crumble. If you let Him, He will make you His.

I am His. I am going to start this process. I'm going to try and figure out how to let go. I'm going to revisit old wounds so that He may clean them out and fill me with peace and comfort. I cannot wait for the day that I am able to honestly say "all I am is Yours." There's no reason to hide. There is no reason to fear. We are His.