Reason #1: Because one person gets empowered and outgrows their often stuck partner.

Reason #2: Because one person was unable or unwilling to work through the baggage that their partner is triggering in them.

Notice how both reasons are framed from a “personal responsibility” standpoint.

So, my suggestion is to stop making it about the ex. “They couldn’t. They aren’t. They didn’t. They won’t.”

When you make your divorce about yourself (not self-blame by the way, see below), you are on your way to getting empowered.

With reason #1, you outgrew them. You decided and chose to leave because you wanted to keep growing and expanding and they didn’t want to join you in the growth experience of an ever-evolving partnership.

Reason #1 is like a boundary where you walk away with self-respect and dignity. You gave it your all and didn’t feel met.

If the reason you’re divorcing is #2, you were unable to work with yourself. You couldn’t quite break through your issues that arose as a result of being triggered by your partner’s behavior.

Simple, right?

Divorce is just not that complicated. It all boils down to these two reasons. Here are three examples:

Example 1: “My partner triggered me so intensely that I just didn’t know how to work with my upset. I was never able to get traction with our conflicts. I kept getting stuck. My activation was almost too much for me, so I stopped trying and left so I could function again.” (Spoken with personal responsibility.)

Example 3: “For some reason I stayed in an abusive marriage X amount of time and I finally realized I was putting myself in harm’s way and chose to leave in order to take better care of myself.”

In example 2, if you were in an abusive marriage where your partner was hitting you, it’s a good call to leave, right? Yes, but notice the difference between the person who leaves with the finger pointed at their abusive partner or the partner who leaves owning their part. One leaves empowered and one leaves disempowered.

Are there other reasons people get divorced?

Sure, but as long as we point the finger outward, we’ll stay stuck in our victim web. We are talking about the difference between “fault” and “responsibility.” The empowered person owns their part and moves on by taking responsibility. In doing so, they understand where they can improve and then have the power to transform it.

Whatever your reason for divorce, own it as yours to deal with. That way, you don’t have to stay in the victim seat and you can get empowered in a spot where you could use a little awareness and help. Feel free to listen to the podcast on this exact topic here for more suggestions.

6 Comments

This is actually the best and most accurate list I've found as far as reasons for getting divorced goes.
https://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/

Vince HollisNov 30, 2017 3:11pm

Wrong. Sex is the number one reason for divorce. It's the reason why people get together and it's the reason why they get divorced.

Heather CacciabaudoJan 12, 2017 9:01am

Stephen Fraser We all have a part in a relationship yes, but that doesn't mean I am to blame for my partner's abusive behavior. That's their decision, and yes, they bear 100% of the responsibility for it. Keep in mind that most abuse isn't even about the other person, but rather a product of the abuser's mindset and emotional composition.

Stephen FraserDec 27, 2016 6:37pm

"Whatever your reason for divorce, own it as yours to deal with. That way, you don’t have to stay in the victim seat and you can get empowered in a spot where you could use a little awareness and help."
Great line.
Divorces are hard in both parties. Sometimes one party has a higher contribution to the breakdown but most of the time both sides played a role. As long as you stay focused on the other person's part, even if it was bigger than yours, you suffer more than necessary and miss the lessons you need to learn.

Stephen FraserDec 27, 2016 6:31pm

Still sounds like blame. We ALL have a part.

Heather CacciabaudoOct 16, 2016 7:27pm

Jayson,
What you also fail to mention here is that abusive partners almost never have a bright neon sign overhead blinking 'I'm abusive, please come be with me' at the beginning of a relationship. After people become emotionally committed is usually when the abuse begins. There is absolutely nothing wrong or shameful in staying in a relationship in order to give your abusive partner a chance to work to resolve his/her internal conflicts, which you yourself advocate for. If that doesn't work, that is usually the time to consider ending the relationship.
I find that your Example 3 "For some reason I chose to stay in an abusive marriage ..." to be highly misrepresentative of what really happens. This is more closer to the truth: "My partner pulled a bait and switch on me, as he/she began exhibiting abusive behavior after we became emotionally committed to one another. I gave him/her X time to resolve his/her internal conflicts, but the abuse continued to occur. After realizing that the relationship could not continue without subjecting myself to further abuse, I chose to end the relationship."

Sally BartolameolliOct 15, 2016 6:36pm

I like this article in its simplicity. There is much I relate to personally (I'm a divorced woman who has remarried happily) and professionally (I work primarily with women dealing with their own shadows/family of origin patterns & empowerment).
The one point that I do not see that you are including here is that there are times when a partner, primarily a woman is actually being victimized in a marriage. There can be a good deal of shame when we feel stuck and go to the conditioning for women that says, "If I try harder" or "If I am more patient" things/he (or she if it is a same-gender marriage) will get better. Women are conditioned, in my opinion, to be over-responsible and to tolerate abusive/disrespectful behavior. Owning honestly that we are being victimized is necessary. Then we can take honest action to care well for ourselves.
Thanks for opening this discussion. And, there is more to be said.

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