Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Five Most Capable Women To Be With...

...After The World EndsWednesday Edition

Yes, that's Linda Hamilton way back in 1991. This list is a guide to the most capable women to be with after armageddon. And, no, Linda isn't on this list, although 20 years ago she certainly could have been.

Nothing against Linda, because she was a true badass back in the day, but we're looking for some women that meet two very important criteria after the world ends.

1. They gotta be total babes, and tough as nails... 2. Still have some eggs up in there that ain't all dried out. Sorry, Linda.

Picture this....

You're a guy, all alone in a barren, wasted land after a nuclear conflict. You look amazingly like Gerald Butler, complete with scratchy beard and developed pecs. But you aren't a douche canoe like Gerald, in fact, you're quite sad. Why? Because you haven't seen another soul since the smoke cleared, and that's worrisome.

Nothing is left. No people, no infrastructure, no nothing. You're on your own, buddy.

You've learned to deal with the isolation, the lack of food and the fact that you have to wash your own underwear now.

You traveled from one end of the country to the other in your custom anti-zombie ride, searching for fellow humans. You haven't actually seen any zombies, but one can never be too careful.

You need something to live for. You need a little hope, a little ray of sunshine in your life.

You need a woman.And that's what this list is for....to point you in the right direction. Armageddon is serious business, and you need a woman that can pull her own weight. A woman that can still withstand the rigors of living in an unforgiving landscape - all while churning out some seriously tough kids for you with zero complaints.

Is Mila Kunis on this list? Err...no. She's funny and attractive, but too much of a lightweight.

Sorry, sweetie

You need a girl that can tote a crapload of spare ammo for your AK-47, while pregnant with the twins you gave her. Mila isn't going to cut it, I'm afraid.

Top Five Women

For When The World Ends

5. Moon BloodgoodMoon Bloodgood is gorgeous, tough and has a lot more experience than just that Falling Skies crap.

Moon has shown her mettle down in Miami as a police detective, but more importantly, she's been a pilot and a soldier working with the Christian Bale version of John Conner. Yep.Moon Bloodgood has 'terminated a terminator' on her resume. Shit just got real. She's sharp as a tack, resilient and good with guns. Really, what more could you want?I mean, just look at her - and that huge surplus of 'O's in her name. Extra 'O's means extra eggs, so lots and lots of rugrats in your future, my friend.

As a bonus, Moon has a really nice smile....which is always good after a tiring day of blasting terminators.

4. Karen GillanAt 24, Karen is the youngest on this list. But don't let her young age fool you.

Karen has already spent several years swooping around the universe in dangerous adventures with Doctor Who. She's already dealt with alien robots, which are sorta like terminators - besting them every single time. She's battled evil angels, endured wormholes torn in space and matched wits with weird monsters, oddly for one hour each week.

So a little thing like armageddon should be child's play for Karen, plus she'll have lots of eggs for years to come. Eggs are good. Very good.You provide Karen with a safe place to stay after the world ends, and she'll probably be able to pop out a kid per year...for at least a decade. You can't ask for more than that when rebuilding the earth's population.As an added bonus, Karen looks utterly fantastic in flannel.

3. Mary-Louise ParkerYes, Mary-Louise is the oldest on this list, so her eggies may be nearing their sell-by date. But she certainly hasn't lost her looks.

So, okay then, she scores a little low when it comes to repopulating earth. But hang on.Mary-Louise has a distinct advantage that you may not have considered. You see, back in the early 90s, Mary-Louis murdered her abusive husband Nick Searcy with the help of her friend Mary Stuart Masterson. Together, these two nice young women cooked Nick into a delectable BBQ fit for a king.

Then they fed Nick to the entire town, including the investigating sheriff - and no one was the wiser. Now, that's balls.Mary-Louise has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that's she is more than willing to get her hands dirty when the the going gets tough.So, who do you want by your side when the food runs short?2. Mizou PeckWho? Exactly...you don't actually need a name that's recognized instantly. You need experience. Mizou has that in spades.

Mizou has been been an interpreter and guide for over 200 years, covering thousands of miles across the entire Pacific Northwest.

In a nutshell, Mizou knows her onions.

In a post-apocalyptic world, you need a girl that can travel light, knows her way around...and can shoot out some rugrats along the way. And that's where Mizou excels....in all these areas, and beyond.

She can hunt, fish, and travel overland while pregnant - and has done so leading expeditions of men supposedly much tougher than herself. Mizou is certainly no girly-girl.

Of course, the fact that she's cute as a button doesn't hurt either.

1. Lena HeadeyLena is not cute as a button like Mizou above.

She's drop-dead gorgeous and tough as nails, and any guy that gets on her bad side just waded balls deep into a river of fuck. You definitely want Lena playing on your team, because sometimes raw firepower is the only answer in a bad situation.

Lena eats babies and burns down villages for fun in her spare time. She's been known to make a merry-go-round by impaling live horses. On the plus side, at least she's good with kids.

She has not only killed terminators with extreme prejudice, Lena also ruled as a queen in Sparta, and in the Seven Kingdoms - back when men where men and women were women. Like I said, tough as nails.Lena is proficient with all types of weapons, and has been known to disembowel men who piss her off on a regular basis. When the world goes to hell in a handbasket, this is the woman you want by your side.

Lena only has two little itty bitty points scoring against her...

1. No one actually knows if her eggs are viable...mainly because even her vagina is well armed, which scares most men off.

So giving you some children in the post-apocalyptic world is somewhat questionable.

And 2. Well, let's face it. Someone that frowns as much as Lena does is eventually going to have some serious lines.

But hey, Lena is good with a shotgun and can most certainly pull her own weight in a nasty situation...so there is that.