Tag: humor

Despite widespread gunfire and social breakdown in Rio, others DO want to host the Olympics. Including Los Angeles. At a high pricetag for an event that has lost billions for everyone hosting IT. Grand Theft Auto Los Angeles for real? “The Games Must Go On!”

New archeological evidence proves that the modern NFL and NHL, as well as NASCAR, began on the floor of Rome’s Colosseum when gladiators sliced and diced each other into bite sized chunks for Growl Mix. That’s the first canned cat (ie. lion) food—while chariots raced around in circles lopping off the heads of anyone who didn’t follow the games. “We all suspected this was true,” says Dr. Alfred Zimmer of the Archeological Society and the IOC, “but we now know from genetic evidence too that ancient and medieval societies live on today in the guise of national sports programs. Not only does this explain the painted faces, the stampedes and riots, and innumerable bar brawls, but it explains the girl you overhear crying on her cell phone as she sobs, ‘You never listen, you’re too busy watching Apple TV…and now what…you’re just going to walk away? That’s typical. I’m just a game to you, and after you score, you change the channel, you stupid, heartless son of a bleep.’” Next up, the connection between tailgate parties and togo parties.

Footnote) Do you have an opinion? No one really cares. Maybe not even your spouse or child. If you’ve just won the Powerball, they will care. A lot. Barring this extreme event, however, you’re pretty much on your own. People believe what they want to believe, mostly. It’s called “Confirmation bias.” The facts really don’t matter. More important, we are told, is body language, social skills, looks, and fitness. Yes, that’s right. Physical fitness. Not mental fitness. If you are a highly educated genius with a 66 pack brain, but look like a slob (or you picked the wrong tie during a bad hair day), people are more likely to believe the sharply dressed Flat Earther or History Channel executive with 6 pack abs. The exception to this is the CEO of Crossfit, who does look like a slob, and couldn’t dress a zombie. But again, that’s the Powerball side of the equation. If you’re rich, short, and bald (but rich) many women will fawn all over you. Some men, too. Research shows that being rich increases the perception of anyone. Take the tech guy at the Apple Event, who came out wearing a wrinkled shirt pulled out of his jeans on purpose. You’re selling very expensive products with high precision and beauty, yet you come out on stage dressed like a homeless guy? That’s a psychological ploy working on a subliminal level: you don’t want to audience to think you believe you’re superior. You want them to think you’re one of them…which you aren’t, because not only aren’t you homeless, but you drive a Maserati. Regarding the bald thing, we tend to believe that bald men are smarter, especially if they have big eyes and small noses. (Source: Riveted by Jim Davies) This is because of the Greys. Not the 50 Shades of Grey guy, but the little shiny guys who abduct people and probe them. Hairless, big eyes, small noses and mouths. It was an invention for a movie, but the image of the Greys haunt people to this day. UFO alien sightings usually describe Greys, although there is absolutely no reason to believe aliens would look like that, in addition to it being a total fabrication in Hollywood. (Aliens are more likely to be machines, as in 2001.) And so we come back to Confirmation Bias. That’s the very human instinct to seek out evidence that supports opinions one already has, while ignoring all evidence to the contrary. If there’s a zombie virus in America, this is IT. But of course that’s Stephen King’s story.

Since no new major sport has been invented in almost 100 years, the Sports Atheist has offered to help break the static brain freeze of mind-numbed sportscasters, coaches, umpires, and even college presidents looking to put their schools on the map (instead of concentrating on more boring academics to compete with those Chinese now taking over the world.) Walter Witty calls this sport SKYFALL BALL. The insight came to him while taking a breather from advanced calculus associated with calculating the orbital deviation of near-Earth asteroid Kepler 11218.4. “Since the NBA refuses to hear a heretic’s blasphemy about raising the basket, given that players are so much taller now than when the game began,” Witty explains, “I began to imagine a new game in which the basket is as tall as a stadium light post. There’s no dunking because it’s over sixty feet high. It’s not boring because you can use any size ball to score. And, as in other business monopolies, the bigger your balls the more you score. So golf balls get one point, baseballs two, tennis balls three, soccer balls four, and basketballs five. Footballs must be kicked at the goal, but if you score that way, well, your team wins the game. No helmets are allowed. Tackling is permitted, drinking and smoking encouraged. Beer guzzlers wear green, soda guzzlers mellow yellow. Teams are recruited by beverage companies, so it would be, like, the Buds vs. Pepsis in the majors and the Keystones vs. The RCs in the minors. See? If you wanted to add an expansion team like, say, the St. Pauli Girls vs. The Cheerwines, all you’d have to do is pay off the appropriate officials and have your city council post bonds to build another stadium. So far I’ve even had interest by junk food giants wanting to be included in the sport, and several Hollywood screenwriters are pitching ideas for a movie patterned after Rollerball or Death Race 2000. Did I mention there’s only one goal, with thousands of different colored balls on the field? It’s a veritable free-for-all, everyone trying to score and block at the same time. When the big basket is full, a Hunger Games–style whistle is blown and it’s lowered and counted as an inning. Those balls are removed and the game continues—after a beer nuts time out—until balls of all sizes and colors have either scored or made flat. Oh, did I mention ice-picks are issued to the offense for that purpose? Penalties for accidental stabbings consist of flags thrown by officials. . . which are, in fact, lawn darts. Better look up in this sport, my friend, because most of the balls in play are bowling balls. Except in high school and elementary school, of course, where Beach balls and safety pins are substituted, along with Near Beer.”

RULES:The basket is as tall as a stadium light post. No dunking allowed. Golf balls: one pointBaseballs: two pointsTennis balls: three pointsSoccer balls: four pointsBasketballs: five points. Footballs must be kicked at the goal.Tackling is permitted, helmets not.Balls of all kinds can score at once.Team balls are color coded.Deflation of opposing balls permitted.Drinking and smoking encouraged.Bowling score wins.

“Hi there, I’m your new partner. Shall we dance? I float…right up to the stars.”

SATIRE: A tool used for the benefit of the powerless to point out absurdities sustained by willful ignorance, such as the emperor having no clothes…or the awards show diva having no underwear.After being treated by shamans, Kim’s altered state and breach with reality forbids him to provide food and clothing for the poor, although sports stadiums are allowed. He requires worship, and no electronic records that can be hacked. Therefore you must write down his sacred utterances, memorize them, and recite them often while watching cartoon movies.