Last week on Mad Mad House, Kelly barked at a dog, bawled like a baby and brayed at the moon. She was evicted for egregious overacting and left in a self-righteous huff. “These people are freaks! All of them!” were some of her parting words. No word yet on whether the nuns are going to let her back into the convent.

Episode Three opens with the usual fast-forward tour over the burning cauldron, through the imposing front door and down the hall to where the big grandfather clock is always striking midnight. Also? The moon is still full. This place must exist in some weird time warp where it is always midnight at high moon.

The remaining houseguests are gathered in the living room dishing and dissing on Kelly.

Jamie: “Everyone is glad Kelly is gone, to be honest.”

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Then conversation turns to the Elimination Deliberation process, and who’s “in” or “out” with the Alts.

“You’re gonna need to shed your inhibitions if you want to stay here,” Nichole says. Loana takes this very personally.

Brent tells the camera “Me and Loana are the black sheep in the house.” Then back to the house where Eric tells them “I don’t see either of you here in two weeks.”

Loana cries some more. The Five Alts trek in and join the discussion. Loana cries again. Ta’Shia tells them “You just gotta be open.” Loana cries.

Scene: Fiona’s bedroom, at night.Loana? Still crying.Fiona? “Loana’s ‘Crocodile Tears’ just mask intolerance.”Me? Starting to get bored. “Come on, guys, do something outrageous! I’m soooo bored here!Enter Art. “Good morning, everyone. Me and Don need three people to go to the grocery store and pick up some stuff. Who wants to come?”

Finally! A Road Trip! That should be fun, right? Who will go?

Road Trip!

Doh. Everyone wants to go! Mass excitement! It’s a chance to escape from the gloomy house! Woo-hoo! They draw straws to decide who goes. Brent, Loana & Eric are chosen. Could they have picked a more boring three? I mean—really! I start to lose some of my first excitement, but remain hopeful. Shopping with freaks is always fun.

(This is a total aside here, but I’m still bored. See, *I* went grocery shopping at Red Owl with a vampire once. She wasn’t as pretty as Don, but kinda scary looking. I think it was the spiders she had inked onto her partially shaved head. Major fun. Everyone stared and tut-tutted. I am so hopeful for this trip, even with the dull as death Brent & Loana tagging along. Uhhh… back to the show now.)

They pile into the big black SUV. Don makes them all buckle up, because “Even the undead wear seatbelts.” “Buckle up America,” Don tells the camera. This would make a nice Public Safety announcement from Detroit’s automakers. Buckle up, and you too can remain undead.

Art, wearing his usual skirt, has donned extra-large, double nipple rings and inserted a two inch black claw through his nose. He is bare-chested as always. Don is dressed for success, vampire style. Needless to say, people notice them.

Art checks his list. “Nail polish remover. Would that be under ‘Feminine Hygiene’?” He starts down the feminine hygiene aisle. I shudder and cross my legs. I wonder what the heck female Primitives do with their nail polish. <shudder>

Don corrects him and they head to cosmetics. Thank God vampires know their women! Or thank Beelzebub. Whatever.

Our happy group next crosses (you’ll pardon the expression), crosses paths with a nice older woman who decides to chat them up.

“I’m fascinated,” she reveals. “This is an Angel”( points to Don), “This is a Devil” (points to Art), and “You are an ordinary human being” (points to Eric). What are you doing here?” (I so wanted to see the look on Don’s face when the old lady identified him as an ‘angel’! Quelle tragic error!) (I am using parentheses too often here, aren’t I?) (Sorry.)

Art tries to charm her. “Why am I the devil?”

She approaches him and runs her hands over his naked chest. This is some ballsy old woman!!! “You have devil symbols all over you! Here. And here!” she says.

Art debates her. “You don’t know what is in my heart!”

Old woman: “Do you even have a heart?”

Art: “Of course!”

Eric: “He has one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever met.” Way to kiss up, Eric.

The old woman gets cold feet suddenly and pushes her cart off down the aisle. The Mad Mad House gang continue shopping. Don bites into a package of raw meat, grossing out a few people. Art continues to browse in feminine hygiene. Loana is completely invisible during this trip. Brent zooms up & down the aisles, pushing the cart and pretending he is not with the unGodly freaks. Eric is just having fun.

As they head for the checkout Don wonders “Do we have enough pasta?” I think WTF? Vampires eat pasta? Who knew?

Art buys bunches and bunches of roses. Loana asks if they are having a party. I figure the flower blossoms will be given to good witch Fiona for some Wiccan thing, while Art will keep the thorny stems for his private piercing pleasures.

Back at the Mad House, Nichole, Jamie and Fiona are posing in little bitty bikinis. The camera feasts on their near-naked bodies. Fiona is all turned on. “We are hot, hot chicks! We are powerful women!” She wants to do a Goddess ritual to honor the inner Goddesses in the Mad Mad House women.

“We can have a hot chick day,” she tells the three women (yeah—Bonnie is there too, just not in a bikini.) “For what it’s worth,” she continues “I’m going to invite Loana but I’m hoping she doesn’t want to come.” Fiona does not like Loana—that much is crystal clear.

The grocery shoppers return, and it’s time for lunch. Eric is invited to eat in ta’Shia’s room. For the Alts, invites and commands are the same thing so Eric troops up to ta’Shia’s lair. There is a dead chicken hanging from her light fixture. I am reminded that voodoo is a tough gig for chickens and goats.

Ta’Shia rolls some shells, reads the future and tells Eric he drinks too much. She tells him it is very important that he doesn’t drink and drive. WTH? Ta’Shia is angling for a PSA spot too? Anyway, Eric nods and later tells the camera that he will drink less ‘while in the house’. That Eric—always going for the extra points.

(Look! The SciFi network is airing a KimPossible commercial! I wave to Kim. She ignores me, as usual. But Kim is a Goddess so she can do whatever she wants with me.)

Back in the Mad Mad House Art and Loana are chatting. Fiona appears in the doorway to invite Loana to the Goddess Ritual. “You must be willing to consider yourself a Goddess, be treated like a Goddess and call yourself a Goddess. I anticipate it’s probably something you won’t want to do.” Whoa! Is that a grudging invitation or what?

Loana notices too. “That was a loaded question,” she tells Fiona. They snipe back and forth at each other. Fiona keeps saying you can come, but I don’t really want you. Loana keeps saying I’d come if you really wanted me. Finally, they agree that Loana will not come.

Fiona: “I’m glad you decided not to attend.”

Have I mentioned that Fiona is looking particularly witchy lately? Her lovely hair has turned all dry and snarly. Witchy, if you will. This woman needs some hair product! Or is her true nature finally revealing itself?

Art reasons with Loana. “The ritual is about empowerment, not religion.”

Loana decided to go and gives Art a big hug before she leaves. Yes, our repressed Christian girl gives her tattooed freak friend a full-bodied hug. He runs her back fondly. Maybe there is hope for this girl after all!

Fiona and the girls are all in the witch bedroom, plotting their ritual, when Loana appears in the doorway.

“I don’t want you with us,” Fiona tells her. “You’ll just cry and spoil the beautiful, sacred Goddess energy.” Or something like that.

Loana tells her “I am all about empowerment, and women’s power.” So they let her join after all. Fiona even comes up with a hug.