Dumbass Pages

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Guy Flees "Drug Cartel Agents"! (Or He's a Crack Head)

Best of Dumbass NewsHere's a Golden Oldie for y'all today, so the dates mentioned in the story will be out of whack with Reality.

I hope and trust that you Dumbasses had an outstanding 4th of July Week like we did here at the Dumbass Dome.

One of the Independence Day activities that stands out in my mind is the local 4th of July fireworks display, as it should be. The display took place smack dab on the banks of the beautiful Kennebec River meandering along side downtown Augusta. But this particular explosives extravaganza hit a little close to home. And by "close to home" I mean we were so near to the action that the shrapnel from the expended fireworks rained down on us all during the damn thing. A couple of people seated near us were nearly turned into Crispy Critters by falling fireworks residue - that was still on fire as it floated down to the ground. I ain't kiddin'. Some of the pyrotechnics didn't quite become extinguished as they fell to Earth and actually landed on people in the gathered mass of local Dumbasses.

Luckily, no one was injured with the possible exception of the one guy who ran like a scalded dog directly into the Kennebec River screeching at the top of his incinerated lungs something about "my fucking balls are on fire!" The local Fire Marshall had no comment.

Target of Drug Cartel Agents?

Patriotic Burglar

One thing I really admire about Mainers is their dedication to and pride in the United States. This is evidenced not only by the hundreds of 4th of July parades and fireworks shows held all over the state, even in the tiniest of towns each year, but also by the fact that the State of Maine has a higher percentage of Veterans and currently-serving military personnel when compared to the population as a whole, than any other state in the country. Why even the crooks up here are very patriotic, if not Dumbasses.

For example...

Marcus McCall of Bangor was doing his patriotic duty as a Dumbass Criminal when he broke into a house whose residents were celebrating Independence Day in a more conventional way. Well, Marcus wasn't exactly being a good citizen by doing a little breaking and entering on the 4th, he was in reality escaping the Ginsu-like canines of pursuing canines. So he thought. Or said.

Once safely ensconced inside the home, separated from the snarling beasts hot on his heels, Marcus called 9 1 1 on himself! I pulled this text from the Bangor Daily News article that will enlighten us all, I'm sure, "Officers Josh Kuhn and John Robinson responded to the residence and spoke to McCall, who was cooperative, according to Edwards. McCall told Kuhn and Robinson that he believed drug cartel agents were trying to kill him and were using dogs to track him as he ran through the woods alongside the Kenduskeag Stream, the sergeant said.The officers found a smashed window in the house, but nothing had been taken, Edwards said.Police could not confirm McCall’s claims and arrested him." (emphasis mine)

Could Not Confirm?

What the hell?! Maybe because the only "drug cartel agents" in Bangor, Maine are a few guys with names like "Lefty" and "Vic" who are "business associates" of their own Fearless Leader - Frankie Belavacqua, the Beast of Bangor. I mean, c'mon! "Drug cartel agents" wasn't a teensy weensy hint that Marcus McCall just might be a bit, shall we say, disturbed? No, we shall not. We shall say, "fucked up".

I am not privy to the inner workings of your average vicious killer drug cartel organization, but I have been to East Dallas many times and know some vatos who know some vatos, if you know what I mean and I think you do. It is this intimate knowledge of the barrio upon which I form my Considered Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde Opinion. My CFLOTDHO is that if it were actual drug cartel guys chasing after Marcus that the chase would be very short and Marcus would have been fitted very quickly with the latest in Manly Cement Shoe Footwear and summarily tossed into the Penobscot River. Or he could have been shot so full of holes that the Penobscot County Coroner would have been required to use a tea strainer just to get Marcus' fingerprints.

But all that is mere speculation on my part.Bottom Line

Marcus is in the slammer and the Drug Cartel Agents of Bangor, Maine are once again free to terrorize the at-large population of the Queen City as they see fit. Life is back to normal in Bang-ah.

That is if the cops in Bangor can "confirm" that there are indeed "Drug Cartel Agents" in their fair city at all.

Or do I need to take these goofballs on a trip to East Dallas to meet some vatos who know some vatos?