Sunday, March 04, 2007

Alive.

So many things I could've titled this post. So many things running through my mind. Just so many things.

I haven't been posting much lately. Isn't that the way? When life is great, there isn't much reason to post and ponder about life's mysteries. We just don't care. Well, we do, but the pondering falls in line behind just being happy.

I wake with a smile on my face. In the night, I reach out for that warm, solid feeling and get rewarded with a kiss and strong arms wrapped around me. Tonight, we lay reading and I lay my book down and just watched him. Touched him. Enjoyed the moment, enjoyed him. Something I never did before. I stared at J's hands, his knuckles, fingers, finger nails... and tried to remember any detail about T's and nothing came to me.

I've found maturity in the past months. The courage to stand up for myself even when it scares me to tears (try explaining THAT to a bewildered guy!). Standing up to my parents. My coworkers. The people in my life. The courage to say "no" when things are too much. The ability to say "you know, you likely didn't mean this, but that really made me feel bad." And I've been rewarded there too. J telling me he's glad I stand up to him. (Huh? glad? WTF? And here I was terrified!!!) The laughter in his eyes as I stood up to my Mom. The hugs when I made a tough decision about a friendship.

I found myself wanting to buy a laptop with my bonus this year and something else was revealed to me. I wanted the laptop so J and I could play WoW together (and even be in the same house!). Being one who can't spend a lot of money on something without a lot of thought first, I wandered through Costco thinking. And as we stood back at the laptops, still considering, I fought back the tears.

I don't want a relationship with him to be time spent playing online games. I don't want it to be online at all. I want to touch each other. Look into each other's eyes. Talk. Communicate. And the last few months of my marriage involved me online trying to find the happiness I didn't have in my real life.

And that wasn't fair to anyone. It's a mistake I won't repeat.

We had another good weekend. A small fight Saturday night after cooking a great meal together that we shared with his friend B. We know we want to entertain. We know we love to cook and do a great job of it together. And we know we have to start spending time in the real world again. You know, that place with other people and all that. The ones you don't talk to via keyboard? Yeah, that world outside the door.

Today, we curled. Work bonspiel. We won the darned thing. Ooops. Wasn't really the intent, just kinda worked out that way. More good times, good people and laughter. Seems wherever I go, that laughter follows me.

January. The month something changed for me. The walls disappeared for good and I let myself feel and be. I trusted fully. I knew this was more than I ever could've asked for. Laughter over puppy facial expressions. Shopping sprees. Hand holding at Costco. Giggles over steak and baked potatoes in SK. Families. Friends. What I always wanted and feared didn't exist. Someone who accepts ME warts n' all, although if you ask him, the warts are just cute imperfections that make me more interesting. (yeah, I know. barf-a-freakin-licious)

I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying the hell outta it, if you want the truth. And tonight I made sure I appreciated the moment. Tomorrow night, I make time to appreciate a great friend. Right now, I'm enjoying the warmth of a soft, furry critter who seems to be either in full-blown deity worship mode or tipping me for the food and water service I've provided. With cats, it's awfully hard to tell.

I am...truly happy. Sometimes I wonder if I deserve it. Any of it. My life. It seems overly perfect. Overly right. But then I realize how unfairly wrong it seemed such a short time ago and I'm thankful and even more determined to make note of every moment. Make every memory last.

And I even bought a kite on the weekend so if it all goes to hell, I can go fly a kite.