The "Childmyths" blog is a spin-off of Jean Mercer's book "Thinking Critically About Child Development: Examining Myths & Misunderstandings"(Sage, 2015; third edition). The blog focuses on parsing mistaken beliefs that can influence people's decisions about childrearing-- for example, beliefs about day care, about punishment, about child psychotherapies, and about adoption.
See also http://thestudyofnonsense.blogspot.com

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Saturday, February 20, 2016

Divorced Parents: Does Your Child Not Want to Visit You?

Some divorced couples find that children easily go
back and forth from one household to the other, take it for granted that this
will happen, and maintain good relationships with both parents. But many
discover that this ideal situation is present at some times but not at others,
perhaps changing with the child’s age or other events in their lives. In some
cases, a child vehemently refuses to visit one of the parents at some point,
feelings are badly hurt, and blame is cast in various directions.

When a child “rejects” a parent, it’s all too easy
for the “rejected” or “non-preferred” person to accept advice about parental
alienation (PA) and to seek treatment that will make the child enthusiastic and
affectionate. Psychologists and others who think in terms of PA often claim
that there are only two reasons why a child would reject a parent and refuse to
visit. One is that the parent has been in some way abusive, so that the child’s
response is a rational one. The alternative is that the child is behaving
irrationally because of the influence of the preferred parent, who is
deliberately and intentionally alienating the child’s affections by stating
that that the other parent is someone to be feared and avoided.

I have no doubt that intentional parental alienation
does happen sometimes, and that this can occur even when a marriage is still
intact. It’s also possible that a parent of a young child may unintentionally
convey fearfulness of the other parent, and the child may pick up on and share that feeling, becoming reluctant to approach
one of the parents. Nevertheless, it is simplistic to assume that there are
only two categories of situations where a child rejects or avoids a parent—the
rational avoidance of a person who has been abusive, and the irrational
avoidance of a good parent at the instruction of the other parent. I would
submit that in many cases, refusal of contact may be perfectly rational in the
context of the child’s own experience and age-related needs and abilities,
although it appears irrational to the adult who considers the child’s actions
only in terms of the adult’s own needs, knowledge, and cognitive abilities—that
is, the adult approaches the issue with an adultomorphic
bias that attributes adult characteristics to the child.

Let’s look at some examples of situations where a
child has never been abused by a parent, but has excellent reasons to avoid
visiting that parent-- reasons that he
or she either will not or cannot confide to adults.

A
6-year-old boy who spends most of his time with his father begins to
refuse visits to the mother after he overhears the mother’s boyfriend
telling her she must “make a man of him” by taking away his nightlight and
spanking him if he cries. The mother does not comply, but the boy is still
disturbed and unable to explain the problem to anyone.

A
12-year-old girl who recently had her first menstrual period no longer
wants to visit her father. She can’t explain this, but she does not know
how she can handle menstrual hygiene without speaking to her father about
it, which seems to her the most embarrassing thing that could possibly
happen. What, for instance, if she got her period unexpectedly and got
blood on the bedsheets? She feels
that would be the end of the world.

A
13-year-old boy has spent occasional weekends with his mother for years,
but now does not want to go. He feels frequent intense urges to masturbate
but has no privacy in her apartment, as he has always slept in one of the
twin beds in her room. If he spends much time in the bathroom she knocks
and asks if he is feeling all right.

A
14-year-old girl has been visiting her father happily over a period of
several years, but began to refuse after the father’s girlfriend moved in
with him. A therapist consulted by the father has stated that she has
Separation Anxiety Disorder, although she has no problem going to school
or elsewhere and will visit the father’s house but does not want to sleep
over.

A boy in
his middle teens has been visiting his father overnight for ten years,
through a remarriage, a new divorce, and another marriage. He comes home
looking distressed one day and tells his mother he does not want to sleep
there again. There is no separate bed for him at his father’s house and he
is expected to share a big bed with the younger stepbrother. He does not
want to discuss this with his father and asks his mother simply to tell
the father that he would prefer to have a visit with the father somewhere
away from the house.

All these situations, except possibly the
bed-sharing, may appear “irrational” to adults who cannot or at least do not
take the child’s perspective. The child’s reluctance or inability to explain
the trouble adds to this appearance of irrationality. Although the “rejected”
parents may hasten to blame the refusal on an alienating co-parent, it’s clear
that there are several other causes for the children’s feelings. One is the
tendency, sometimes called “funneling”, for non-custodial parents to fail to
notice developmental changes and to continue to treat children as if they are
still at the age where they were when the marriage came apart. One is the
presence of new romantic partners in the parents’ lives and the difficulty of providing
the children with their accustomed time alone with a parent, complicated by the
real uncertainty about what the relationship between child and new partner
should be. Another, and an important one, is the role of verbal or nonverbal
communication about sexuality with an opposite-sex parent, whether this has to
do with the child’s own sexuality (including menstruation) or with the child’s
awareness of the parent’s love life—so especially disturbing for adolescents,
who do not want to know about this even when their parents are happily married.
All of these issues need to be considered before there are PA accusations, and
certainly before children are separated from the preferred parent’s home by
court order.

I remember not wanting to go to my dad's house when I was younger. It was only because I thought it was boring there. My parents probably fretted and fussed over possible reasons: I didn't want to offend my dad by calling him boring, so opted to give no explanation.

Catching up on some of these other interesting posts. Have you discussed this with your parents to find out how they dealt with that--individually? Together? That would be interesting to understand. In the case of the Pathogenic Parenting that Dr. Childress offers, as I understand it, the child would be giving reasons/explanations not to go, but acting toward the targeted parent with attitudes of arrogance, disgust, etc and basing the reasoning on "small" stuff that would be considered normal parental perogatives. The reasons would not be showing the child as a "victim" and the rest of the process would not be progressing in the Victimizer/Victim/Protector narrative. It wouldn't be simple ennui or boredom...because those can be discussed and rooted out with good co-parenting if everyone is acting authentically. I would also expect those reasons, upon examination, not get to a level of disgust.

I know of an instance of a teenage girl who, after her parents divorced, flat out refused to live with her father and his new girlfriend. She hadn't seen her father much in the previous years the parents having been living separately long before the actual divorce. The father tried to connect again with his daughter, but it didn't work, largely because he treated her like a much younger child, and she resented that. Basically, during the years of separation, he hadn't seen her grow up. As she was nearly 18, she argued for going to live on her own, and luckily for everybody, after a tense explanation, her father agreed (and was able to financially).In this case, the mother didn't get involved, because she didn't want to have the kids with her on her new life. I think the girl was disgusted with both parents, by that time.

I believe my oldest boy's father was actively working to turn him against me, as evidenced by him taking me to court over and over, until the court ordered therapy for each of us, with the boy, separately (as in, I would have a session with my son and the therapist, and his father would have a separate session with my son and his therapist). This worked well and my son and I are very close now. I am trying to frame why I think this works without insulting my ex, but all I can say is that the way it looked to me was that my ex was really into control, but he couldn't control the therapist - and also, I believe the therapist was genuinely interested in my son's welfare. It was a messy part of our lives and I'm glad it's over.

About Me https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean_Mercer

Jean Mercer has a Ph.D in Psychology from Brandeis University, earned when that institution was 20 years old (you do the math). She is Professor Emerita of Psychology at Richard Stockton College, where for many years she taught developmental psychology, research methods, perception, and history of psychology. Since about 2000 her focus has been on potentially dangerous child psychotherapies, and she has published several related books and a number of articles in professional journals.
Her CV can be seen at http://childmyths.blogspot.com/2009/12/curriculum-vitae-jean.mercer-richard.html.