Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Lingerie Bowl has been cancelled due to a conflict over the amount of nudity allowed in the event. On the positive side, football fans can still look forward to seeing the Cardinals thoroughly undressed this Sunday.

Charlotte forward Gerald Wallace suffered a partially collapsed lung in a game against the Celtics. Luckily he plays for the Bobcats so he’s used to dealing with sudden collapses.

Former NBA player Corie Blount was recently busted with 11 pounds of marijuana. Or, as Ricky Williams calls it, a single serving.

Washington Capitals star Alex Ovechkin had to leave a game against the Bruins after being hit by Boston defenseman Zdeno Chara. Not since the days of Jesus Christ has someone made this much news simply for being nailed into a board.

NASCAR is planning on removing pit stops from its popular World Truck Series races. The change means that drivers will now have to wait until AFTER the race is over to resume making-out with their cousins.

The Dallas Cowboys might fine tight end Martellus Bennett for an offensive rap video he posted on YouTube. Of course, if bad rap were really a crime Vanilla Ice would have been sentenced to the electric chair years ago.

Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain recently told reporters that Fenway Park smells like “70-year-old Pine Sol.” Those are strong words for a man who smells like a beer and bratwurst fart himself.

Lakers forward Trevor Ariza remains "slightly impaired" from a concussion he sustained against the Bobcats. In other words, he’s now just like every other player in the NBA.

Bobby Bowden has signed a one-year contract to coach a 34th season at Florida State. Bowden has been at the school so long he remembers when football players actually had to write their own exams.

Aaron Heilman has been traded from Seattle to the Chicago Cubs, just seven weeks after the Mets shipped him to the Mariners. On the positive side, if Heilman gets traded once more this month he’ll officially have enough frequent flyers miles to visit the moon.

An 11-year-old bullfighter in Mexico set a new record by slaying six young bulls in one appearance. That’s nothing; NBA teams have been slaying 12 young Bulls every night for the last three seasons.

Former NFL star Michael Strahan has been chosen to host the fourth season of Spike TV’s “Pros vs. Joes.” The show is not to be confused with “Pros vs. Hoes” which is a documentary about the Minnesota Vikings’ 2005 boat cruise.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Larry, Pensacola, FLSubj: Beginner’s luckWho is the youngest golfer to ever hit a hole in one?

That honor belongs to diminutive differ Jake Paine who established the record in 2001 at the tender age of 3 years, five months and 15 days old. Jake’s “Shot heard ‘round the world” occurred on a 66 yard uphill hole at Lake Forest Golf and Practice Course and was witnessed by his father, his seven-year-old brother and the course starter. For the record, Jake was using his favorite Snoopy driver.

Monday, January 26, 2009

The NBA could be headed towards a lockout in 2011. Luckily many of their players have a history of breaking and entering so that shouldn’t be much of an impediment.

The New York Yankees have received an additional $259 million in public funding. The team is expected to use the money on half an outfielder.

Jose Canseco and Danny Bonaduce fought to a draw in their highly-hyped three-round boxing match. The result was a disappointment to many viewers who had hoped they’d fight to the death.

Bucks guard Michael Redd will miss the rest of the season with a torn ACL and MCL. In other words, Milwaukee is now SOL.

Atlanta Hawks guard Acie Law has bet a friend $10,000 that the Dallas Cowboys will win next year’s Super Bowl. Luckily Law plays for the Hawks so he’s used to losing.

The Memphis Grizzlies have fired head coach Marc Iavaroni after guiding the team to an 11-30 record. Anyone interested in replacing him is advised to show up at the arena an hour before game time.

The Tribune has agreed to sell the Chicago Cubs to billionaire Tom Ricketts. It’s a natural fit, since the team’s roster is already extremely rickety.

A Greek basketball team is looking to take on one of several NBA players including Stephon Marbury, Jamaal Tinsley, Jason Williams or Steve Francis. I’m sorry, did I say Greek basketball team? I meant Greek charity.

Ekaterina Rubleva accidentally exposed her nipple in front of thousands of fans during the European Figure Skating Championships in Helsinki. Luckily for Rubleva, only three of those fans were actually straight.

Baron Davis, Ricky Davis and Chris Kaman have allegedly been faking injuries for the past two weeks. That seems fitting since the Clippers have been faking being an NBA team for the last two decades.

Veteran pitcher Brandon Lyon has agreed to a $4.25 million, one-year contract with the Detroit Tigers. The team is expected to bring him out of the bullpen, because as we all know, a Detroit Lyon hasn’t won anything in years.

Friday, January 23, 2009

I recently began contributing to a hilarious new animated web series entitled Sports Talk Weekly. You can check out the latest episode featuring digs at Tony Romo, Alex Rodriguez, Eddy Curry and, of course, the Yankees, by clicking here.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Detroit Pistons have lost five of their last six games. Apparently the city’s auto makers aren’t the only ones struggling to put together a good quarter.

Jeff Van Gundy has said he doesn't see himself back on the bench any time soon. After all, why go to the NBA when he already has a steady gig playing Uncle Fester at birthdays and bar mitzvahs.

The New Jersey Institute of Technology finally snapped a 51 game losing streak with a 61-51 victory over Bryant. Of course, the real surprise is that Bryant managed to score 51 points all on his own.

Shaquille O’Neal says he’s feeling better than ever because of his new regime of ballet-like exercises. Unfortunately the same can’t be said of the poor guy in charge of lifting him off the ground.

Knicks center Jerome James will miss the rest of the season with a ruptured right Achilles' tendon. James has blamed the injury on trying to eat more than he could lift.

The City of Detroit has approved a $27 million plan to preserve Tiger Stadium. It’s nice to hear that the Detroit Lions aren’t the only useless relics the city is willing to support.

NBA owners have reversed a longtime ban on serving hard liquor during live games. That’s certainly one way of making the Clippers more watchable.

Dennis Rodman has signed on to join a cast of midgets in a new basketball movie called The Minis. Oddly enough, it still sounds much more dignified than making another film with Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Las Vegas bookies have picked the New York Yankees as the odds on favorites to win the 2009 World Series. Then again, these are the same bookies that also picked the Arizona Cardinals to finish the season playing in the Pac-10.

The New York Mets have signed outfielders Ryan Church and Angel Pagan to one-year contracts. Maybe now the team will actually have a prayer of getting into the post season.

The Pittsburgh Steelers have announced they’ll wear their white pants for Super Bowl XLIII. And because they’re in Florida, they also plan on hiking them all the way up to their nipples.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Howard, Torrance, CASubj: Little ODo you think Omar Vizquel deserves to be in the Hall of Fame?

I do, Howard, but I doubt other voters will be as generous in their assessments. Hall of Fame inductees are ultimately judged against their peers and Vizquel has had the misfortune of playing during the same era as offensive juggernauts like Alex Rodriquez, Derek Jeter, Miguel Tejada and even Hanley Ramirez. If voters choose to overlook his 11 gold gloves and .984 fielding percentage and focus instead on his 77 home runs 892 RBIs than Vizquel won’t have a chance. And that’s shame, because his glove has probably saved more runs than any of his fellow shortstops have generated. I personally hope Vizquel one day gains entry into Cooperstown if only to remind young players that games aren’t won exclusively in the batter’s box.

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Yankees have announced they will wear a special patch on their uniforms commemorating the inaugural season at their new stadium. The black and white design will feature an enormous dollar sign being flushed down a toilet.

Pirates chairman Bob Nutting recently told reporters that an MLB salary cap would make Pittsburgh more competitive. It’s certainly a more feasible plan than his previous idea of giving polio to the league’s other 29 teams.

The Detroit Lions have signed head coach Jim Schwartz to a four year deal, or 64 losses, whichever come first.

The Boston Red Sox have extended the contract of Kevin Youkilis until 2012. It’s hoped that by then scientists will finally be able to identify which species he belongs to.

Quarterback Mark Sanchez will skip his senior season and enter the NFL draft. Luckily USC should bounce right back as Matt Leinart has expressed interest in returning to college and taking his place.

The Los Angeles Dodgers have released Andruw Jones. The team intends to still pay tribute to the rotund slugger by using his jersey to cover the infield during rain delays.

Kobe Bryant has signed a lucrative deal to blog for a Chinese website. It should be delightful to read the views of a man whose knowledge of Chinese culture begins and ends with Sweet and Sour Pork.

Free agent pitcher Paul Byrd has decided to sit out the first half of the 2009 season. Byrd made the decision because he wants to spend time with his family… just not that much time.

18-year-old golfer Tadd Fujikawa fired a 8-under 62 at the Sony Open. We’re not sure what’s sadder: the fact that PGA golfers are being beaten by a kid who can’t even legally drink or that a teenager is wasting the best years of his life playing golf.

Alonzo Mourning has said he may return to the Miami Heat if he can get his body back in shape. If not, he’ll do what every overweight big man does and sign with the Knicks.

The Arizona Cardinals are headed to Super Bowl XLIII, or as many insiders are calling it, Apocalypse I.

Cubs chairman Crane Kenney has said the sale of the team should happen any day now. Then again, Cubs fans have also been saying the same thing about a World Series title for the last 101 years.

Washed-up outfielder Ken Griffey Jr. is reportedly drawing interest from four different teams. Unfortunately for Griffey, three of them play in a beer league.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Kate Hudson has been spotted on dates with Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez and PGA golfer Adam Scott during the past week. It’s nice to see that someone is picking up Alyssa Milano’s slack.

The Lions have reached out to Dolphins assistant coach Todd Bowles regarding their coaching vacancy. The news comes as a surprise to many insiders who thought the team would already be onto the “C” section of the phonebook by now.

Knicks center Eddy Curry has been accused of trying to solicit gay sex from his driver. It’s a surprising accusation for a player who’s never shown much interest in sticking to his man.

Ricky Henderson has been elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. In related news, more than a dozen of the museum’s artifacts have already been stolen.

Dallas Cowboys linebacker Anthony Spencer was arrested for making a disturbance outside a downtown Indianapolis nightclub. On the positive side, it sounds like Pacman Jones has found himself a brand new wingman.

The Detroit Tigers have signed Taiwanese pitcher Fu-Te Ni to a multimillion dollar contract. It’s believed to be the most money ever spent on a product made in Taiwan.

China has announced plans for a National Fitness Day on August 8th. The government will commemorate the day by encouraging workers to engage in a strenuous physical activity during their two minute lunch breaks… whether they want to or not.

The Yankees have announced they will wear a special patch on their uniforms commemorating the inaugural season at their new stadium. The black and white design will feature a dollar sign being flushed down a toilet.

Pirates chairman Bob Nutting recently told reporters that an MLB salary cap would make Pittsburgh more competitive. It’s certainly a more feasible plan than his previous idea of giving polio to the league’s other 29 teams.

The Los Angeles Dodgers have released Andruw Jones. However, the team intends to still pay tribute to the rotund slugger by using his jersey to cover the infield during rain delays.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Lisa, CT Subj: Just how low can you go? What was the lowest scoring game in the history of the NFL? Was the score the result of really good defenses or really bad offenses?

The lowest scoring game in NFL history occurred on December 4, 1921 when the Rochester Jeffersons refused to take the field against the Washington Pros due to inclement weather. The referees had no choice but to award Washington a 1-0 victory and the game was officially recorded as a forfeit. The rules have since changed and forfeits are now recorded as a final score of 2-0. By contrast, the highest scoring game in NFL history occurred on November 27, 1966 when the Washington Redskins trounced the New York Giants 72-41. Now that’s what I call comfortably covering the spread.

Monday, January 12, 2009

The Boston Red Sox are reportedly interested in signing rotund slugger Prince Fielder. Well, not the Red Sox per se, but the team’s hotdog vendors.

Calgary Flames co-owner Daryl Seamen has died at the age of 86. He is survived by his wife Anita Seamen and his son Dick Seamen.

Pacman Jones plans to sue ESPN over allegations that he arranged to have three men shot at an Atlanta nightclub. It should be thrilling for him to finally be on the other side of a lawsuit. In related news, Pacman Jones has said he believes Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will give him another shot. Unfortunately for Jones it will likely come at the end of .38 revolver.

TNT analyst Charles Barkley is taking a leave of absence from the broadcast chair. The chair is said to be thrilled.

Giants general manager Jerry Reese has said that the team is open to bring back Plaxico Burress. It’s nice to hear they’re going to give him another “shot”.

Jason Giambi has promised to bring his famous gold thong back to Oakland. It’s expected to be the second most useless thing in his locker next to his glove.

A 72-year-old woman recently discovered a rare baseball card from 1869. And no one’s happier than Phillies pitcher Jamie Moyer, who thought he’d never see his old rookie card again.

David Beckham recently bought his wife Victoria an $80,000 handbag. Of course, it’s easy to afford accessories like that when you’re a $250 million douchebag yourself.

Northern State’s Don Meyer has become the winningest men’s basketball coach in NCAA history following his 903rd career victory. Any way you slice it, this is a very bad day to be a chair in Bob Knight’s house.

Don King is selling his Florida home. The ocean-front property is easily the most instupetuous, splendificent and ostentacular house on the entire block.

Friday, January 9, 2009

The Trailblazers are reportedly looking at rotund center Eddy Curry… all the way from Portland. Curry’s removal could allow New York to sign two players while simultaneously freeing up four spots on the bench.

Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad has died at the age of 93. Team officials are still trying to see if they can stick the remains of Boof Bonser and Juan Rincon into his coffin before it’s interred.

Carmelo Anthony recently hurt his hand in a win over Indiana. The injury is especially disconcerting for the All-Star forward since it’s his rolling hand.

Former American Gladiators star, Nitro, has admitted to using steroids while he was on the show in the early 90’s. The news comes as a shock to millions of viewers who thought it was perfectly normal to have man-boobs the size of engorged watermelons.

Andy Pettitte has rejected the Yankees' one-year, $10 million offer. After all, he didn’t want to be paid less than the team’s bat boy.

Shaquille O'Neal has just re-listed his Miami Beach estate for $25 million - $10 million less than its original asking price. A Shaq product hasn’t fetched this little interest since Kazaam.

Alex Rodriquez was recently spotted getting close with 60-year-old fashion designer Donna Karan. At the rate he’s going his next girlfriend might be a pile of dust.

Jessica Simpson has been included in this year’s Dallas Cowboys Family Cookbook. After all, who wouldn’t want culinary advice from someone who can’t tell the difference between tuna and chicken?

Rays outfielder Rocco Baldelli got some good news recently after doctors re-diagnosed his mitochondrial disorder as the less severe channelopathy. Baldelli is hopeful that with enough time he’ll eventually have a disease he can actually spell.

The Dallas Cowboys have released troubled cornerback Pacman Jones. You know you’ve had a bad year when the INT in your stat column refers to interrogations.

Warren Sapp recently challenged Michael Phelps to a televised swimming duel. The race got off to a promising start before Sapp was suddenly harpooned after his first five strokes.

The Cavaliers are now 18-0 at home after defeating the Bobcats, proving once and for all that visiting teams hate Cleveland nearly as much as the rest of the country.

WNBA star Candace Parker is expecting her first child this spring, making her the first professional basketball player in history to actually have a planned pregnancy.

David Beckham is currently charging $700,000 per interview. Or, in other words, $350,000 for every interesting thing he has to say.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Sports Illustrated recently asked me to look into my crystal ball and predict this year’s Super Bowl winner. You can see my response – along with those of 15 of America’s top stand-up comedians - by clicking here.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Charlie, Clifton Park, NYSubj: Fly like an eagleWhat’s the most common university mascot in the U.S.?

That distinction belongs to the eagle. A partial list of the 74 schools that employ this majestic bird of prey includes Boston College, American University, Marquette, Emory, and Auburn. Mind you, those are far from the only schools that share a mascot. Some of the other critters that frequently pop up are tigers (46 schools), bulldogs (39 schools), panthers (33 schools), lions (31 schools), bears (30 schools), and hawks (28 schools). Oddly enough, no school has yet laid claim to the mighty gerbil. Go figure.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Sales of Plaxico Burress' No. 17 jersey have fallen off by 75% over the past month. It’s a huge drop off from a year ago when his replica jerseys were as hot as a pistol.

The Chicago Cubs have signed Aaron Miles to a two-year contract. The Cubbies decided to acquire the veteran infielder after hearing they were still Miles away from contending for a World Series title.

John Daly has been suspended for six months by the PGA tour. It sounds like he finally discovered the “A” in PGA doesn’t stand for “alcohol.”

The Detroit Red Wings beat the Chicago Blackhawks in the NHL’s Winter Classic. It’s nice to know the Cubs aren’t the only Chicago franchise capable of losing big at Wrigley.

A construction worker at the new Yankee Stadium was taken to a hospital after falling off a mobile scaffold. Yankees fans haven’t seen a collapse that dramatic since last August.

CBS Sports has hired Tom Arnold to star in a new web series about heckling. It’s the perfect project for a man who’s been called every name in the book.

The NHL Network recently aired a segment featuring the Dallas Stars’ Ice Girls frolicking on a yacht in their bikinis. The two minute clip has been blamed for already causing 10,000 spontaneous cases of high sticking.

A Portland man was arrested after police found him driving a Zamboni erratically at a local arena. The driver has since been sentenced to 2,000 minutes in the penalty box.

Boston College knocked off top-ranked North Carolina with a stirring 85-78 victory in Chapel Hill. The outcome was so shocking that Tyler Hansbrough nearly blinked.

Former American Gladiators star, Nitro, has admitted to using steroids while he was on the show in the early 90’s. The news comes as a shock to millions of viewers who thought it was perfectly natural to have man-boobs the size of watermelons.

Shaquille O'Neal has just re-listed his Miami Beach estate for $25 million - $10 million less than its original asking price. A Shaq product hasn’t fetched this little interest since Kazaam.

Friday, January 2, 2009

That honor belongs to Harold Carmichael, a bruising 6’8” receiver who played 13 seasons with the Philadelphia Eagles from 1971 until 1983. More than just a circus act, Carmichael was also a phenomenal football player who was named to four Pro Bowls and finished his career ranked sixth on the NFL’s all-time reception list with an eye-popping 590 catches. According to his former college coach Alva Tabor, Carmichael’s height dramatically changed the way the game is now played. "He made the NFL start looking more for tall wide receivers,” Tabor explains. “Harold had more than just hands. It was unbelievable what he could do just to get free from cornerbacks." A member of the Eagles’ Honor Roll since 1987, Carmichael still lives in Philadelphia where he serves as the team’s director of player/community relations.

About Me

Ryan Murphy's humorous articles and sports-themed jokes have appeared on more than 170 radio stations and 40 newspapers across the U.S. and Canada. He recognizes that life is hard and that's why he's here to help. Send in some questions and he'll offer some advice. On anything. Well, almost anything.