Pete Beisner’s lack of a sex drive almost cost him his marriage, but he couldn’t let his wife go without doing everything he could to win her back.

My wife and I are in a sexual time-out. That is my polite way of saying that right now I would rather do the dishes than make love to her. This isn’t about my wife, as much as she sometimes wants to make it about her so that she can fix it. The most beautiful woman in the world could show up right now ready to fulfill my wildest sexual fantasy, and I would say, “Eh, there is some leftover pasta in the fridge. I am going to heat some up. Want some?”

Why am I telling you this? I believe that our ideas about marriage are distorted by how little we hear about the true inner workings of functioning marriages. Normally, you would only hear about something like this after the marriage has imploded. It is my hope that by talking about these things as what they are – a normal part of marriage – that we will not panic or despair when we encounter them.

This isn’t the first time that we have gone through something like this. However, it is the first time that we have been able to communicate about it clearly. And it is the first time that a dry spell has not left my wife feeling unattractive and deeply insecure.

♦◊♦

It started not long after we fell in love with each other. There was a few heady weeks of pleasure, but quickly we sank into the routine that I had with my ex-wife: I avoided and she got frustrated and confused. The major difference between my current wife, Lynn, and my ex is that Lynn does not abide avoidance. She insisted that we talk about the issue.

I have to say that I didn’t see that one coming. I thought that she would be relieved that I was not going to impose on her by asking to have sexual needs met. But I was wrong. My wife loves sex and withers without it.

I was requiring of my wife what religious organizations were asking gay people to do: Have all the feelings and desires of sexuality but never act on them. It was not acceptable when they asked for it and it was not acceptable for me to ask this from my wife.

And so we talked about it for years. We tried marriage enrichment workshops and the exercises found in sex advice manuals. When that didn’t work, I talked with a therapist. Lynn’s pet theory was that some of the sexually traumatic things that I had experienced when young had led me to cut off my sexuality.

I would like to say that I was fully cooperative with all of this. But in truth, I found it a bit annoying. I didn’t really see what all the fuss was about. The idea of sex didn’t particularly fill me with joy any more than exercise does. But like exercise, I was glad to have done it when I was through.

In retrospect, I can see where my responses must have been very painful to my wife. I didn’t just want to avoid sex; I also wanted to avoid being asked for sex. So if I thought that she was even moving that direction, I got anxious. And that anxiety came out as hostility or even shaming.

About six years into our marriage, my wife did something utterly unexpected. She told me simply and clearly that barring a major change in our relationship, she would never again initiate sex. It was too painful, she said, to keep putting herself out there and being rejected. It was breaking something deep inside of her to have something so core to who she is, her sexuality, routinely rejected with seemed to her to be a hint scorn. She had gained a lot of weight and felt worse than merely unattractive. She felt like she must be grotesque.

She had not made the decision lightly. She had considered the fact that in the three years since she had been keeping track, I had not once initiated sex. Given that, she assumed that we would now be entering a sexless marriage. After a few months of consideration, and a period of mourning, she had decided that for now, she was willing to put aside her sexuality and live as a married celibate.

I expected her pledge to last a few weeks, and then things would go back to normal. But I had clearly underestimated just how hurt she was and how determined she was not to make herself vulnerable to me again. There was not the slightest hint of sexuality between us. She was my friend and seemed happier and more relaxed than I had seen her in a long time.

Lynn said something that really stuck with me: “The person with the ‘no’ has all the power in the relationship.” She had taken back her own power by taking the question off the table. Her sexual needs were no longer any of my concern.

That was a wake-up call for me. I was not okay with a sexless marriage, not even in theory and not even when I didn’t particularly want sex. It sounded like a recipe for eventual divorce. And I love this woman more than life. There was no way I was going to let her go when I could do something to win her back.

As I mulled it over, I came face-to-face with what I had been asking of my wife. Without thinking about it, I had been asking her to stay in a vow of fidelity that was truly a vow of celibacy. She was in her sexual prime, and I was asking her to amputate a part of herself as casually as I might ask her to do the dishes.

I was requiring of my wife what religious organizations were asking gay people to do: Have all the feelings and desires of sexuality but never act on them. It was not acceptable when they asked for it and it was not acceptable for me to ask this from my wife.

I tried just being a good sport and going along with sex. It worked about as well as you would imagine it. That is when I decided that I was going to find an answer. I would either find a way of becoming a full partner in our marriage, or I would release my wife from her duties of fidelity.

♦◊♦

My first step proved to be the most important one. I went back to our family doctor and demanded a testosterone blood test. On previous visits, when I had asked for one, they had told me that I obviously had plenty of testosterone. After all, I have enough hair on my body to pass for a Sasquatch, and I had classic male pattern baldness. This time, I insisted.

Later that week, we found out that my testosterone levels were those of a pre-adolescent boy. No wonder I was uninterested in sex. My body was still in grade school where girls are icky.

I won’t tell you that our life was all wine and roses after I started taking testosterone supplements. Lynn still had a lot of years of hurt to overcome. But it helped a lot that I suddenly turned into a horny teenage boy. I discovered the wonders of the female body and what the fuss about sex was really all about. As the months went by and our sex life became something that bonded us, that was fun and that fostered rather than destroyed intimacy, I watched my wife blossom. The weight peeled off of her, and she practically radiated happiness.

So why are we back in sexual time-out? A few months ago, my insurance company required that I switch to a generic form of testosterone. It didn’t occur to me to be on the look-out for changes in my sexuality. But as my levels slipped so did my interest in sex.

Last week, Lynn calmly told me that she was aware that I was no longer interested in sex. And I was beginning to exhibit the same subtle shaming behaviors that I had years before. She pointed them out to me, and for the first time I realized just how far I slid into scorn of sex when I had too little testosterone. I supported her decision not to bring her sexual needs to me until something changed. I didn’t want to hurt her anymore than she had already been.

I now have the correct dose of testosterone in a form that my body can absorb. I expect to be chasing Lynn around the kitchen by the end of next week. I look forward to watching her re-emerge from her shell and blossom again.

Lynn says she is sort of glad that this happened. It proves to her that my lack of desire had never been about her. She said, “I know now that there was nothing that I could have done to save our marriage if you hadn’t gotten testosterone treatment.”

I am somewhat grateful as well. It gives me mercy on people who are overtly prudish, and it makes me less scornful of men I know who cheat. I can see how someone in Lynn’s position, who knows that sex would obviously be an imposition on her spouse, could try to save her marriage by breaking her marital vows.

For the record, Lynn never cheated on me, although I would have forgiven her if she did. And, I am not in any way condoning cheating. I believe that spouses have the responsibility to do as my wife did for so many years: Keep talking about it and insisting that you work on it together as a couple.

♦◊♦

I think I should also be clear in stating that of course no spouse has the right to demand sex from his or her partner. But marriage is a contract that covers sex, among other things. And if you cannot meet your obligations under the agreement, you need to at least be addressing it as a problem. You don’t get to just say “no” for months on end. You are obligated to at least say, “No, and I will do x to address this problem.”

I love Lynn, and I am truly sad about all the years of great sex that I missed out on. But I hope to make up for lost time now that the kids have left home and I have a good testosterone supplement.

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I am a nutritionist and herbalist and I have to say Im not surprised that you doctor didn’t run a testosterone test immediately. Most doctors dont understand sex hormones. I have to have many clients switch to different doctors in order to get important blood tests ran. Even then after results have arrived the doctor doesn’t really understand them. They just look at the paper and say you’re good to go even if youre not. You really have to be your own advocate in this country full of doctors that are clueless. I’m very glad that you were able to… Read more »

[…] on Facebook, a link to an article from last summer on their web site by Pete Beisner called “I Was Asking My Wife for a Vow of Celibacy.” It’s a thoughtful article about a couple wrestling with what happens when his sex […]

Fantastic. Well written, honest, and authentic. Thank you for talking about an issue that isn’t getting enough attention. I hope men who struggle with this find support, answers, and safety here. I hope, too, that women who struggle with low or non-existent libido will move past acceptance and decide to have a talk with their doctors, as well. Great article. Looking forward to reading more from you.

I only got to read this article a week ago and was astonished at how closely it describes the way I’ve been feeling now for 2 years, as well as the way my wife has reacted. My doctor has not identified this and has taken a path of treating me for depression. I’m definitely going back at the earliest opportunity to raise this possibility. If you do a follow up, I would be interested in how the testosterone supplement has affected your interest in other women. While I still notice women in passing, I’m kind of glad that my level… Read more »

Thank you. I am a woman in my 30’s who has been married for 13 years. While my sex drive is very high ( I like to have sex at least once a day), my husband’s libido is very low and has been for over 10 years. This has been so painful for me. I think because we are socially conditioned to believe that men always want sex, therefore I have allowed myself to believe that something is wrong with me if he isn’t interested. It has been devastating to feel rejected and undesirable. The idea of leaving our marriage… Read more »

I will have to go a long way and time to read something this good and this frank on GMP or anywhere for that matter. Reading the exchanges, even this remark seems out of date, as it is so much about the emotions experienced daily between couples working with their own intimacy issues. I wondered if anyone would reference the publicity raised by Robbie Williams’ low testosterone levels, not to draw attention to him, but to be able to legitimise the act of checking this possibility and to de-sensitise it, as a result. Clearly, it is any age that this… Read more »

Pete and I have been discussing the comment that he left earlier: his was Pete’s response after reading some of the comments: I deeply regret making it sound quite so straightforward, and I will be talking to the editors about including a link to a post-script or perhaps a follow-up piece. I will also need to discuss with my wife what she is comfortable sharing. I know that she has been very guarded about some things even though she writes under a pen name. For now I can say this: I used the words, “I won’t tell you that our… Read more »

“The one who says no has all the power in a relationship” Yes, for the tiny little moment that the “no ” is said. Don’t go presuming that all women say no out of control. Keep in mind the slut-shaming culture we live in; female sexual enjoyment is so hidden that we can actually be horny without realizing it! On top of that, we live in a World where male sexuality is portrayed as that dangerous, unstopabble thing, that a man will quench through prostitution, rape or porn. To many women, that powerful “no”is the only lady-like thing to say… Read more »

My wife was referring to me when she said that. And you have to admit, I did have the power to keep her from getting her needs met even if I didn’t recognize it at the time. I had options, and later in our marriage I exercised a few of those.

And you are welcome. I am glad that I got to put a little dent in that myth.

Dear Pete ~ Thank you for writing this. On the one hand I was grateful to read it, on the other – it hurt like hell. For eighteen years now my husband and I have been fighting this battle, and as I know you know, “battle” is the only word for it. I always thought that hearing a man confess his low libido and tell his wife he was sorry would be a soothing balm, that it would take away some of the hurt, rejection, and loss. Sadly, for now they only bring fresh waves of anger and pain. For… Read more »

I am so sorry for what you have been through. My advice is don’t give up.

Also, you may want to ask your husband to try OM – orgasmic meditation. It is not onerous even when I am completely disconnected from my sexuality. In fact, I find it relaxing and moves me towards a sense of serenity. And often, I want to make love afterwards. Even if I don’t want sex afterwards, I know that I have at least been attentive to Lynn’s sexual needs, and that is important to me.

@Jackie Devine: The following is something I wrote on how it feels to be the woman in this story. I will warn you that it isn’t pretty, it’s quite explicit, and I admit that I wrote while I was deeply angry. But it’s my truth. I don’t think it was all that bad. In fact, I don’t think it was bad at all. It reflects my experience as well, and pretty much sums up my feelings of being the un-wanted and the un-desired in a relationship. But can you imagine the rage, the accusations of “privilege” and unattractiveness directed at… Read more »

Absolutely. Yes. And I understand the frustration and pain of men who have gone weeks, months, and even years without their female partner “allowing” sex. And I understand that the mere fact that a man wants to be sexually intimate with his uninterested wife, partner, lover – somehow makes him a ‘monster’ often to her and to our society at large. I have hope that the twisted ideas and stereotypes we hold about male and female sexuality are changing.. Little by little, but I do believe they are. Yesterday, in another post here on The Good Men Project, RESERVOIR DAD,… Read more »

@Flyingkal – I wrote you a reply, it was awaiting mod, but has since disappeared. Please feel free to post your thought at http://wifelies.com/ and I will certainly respond. You’ve brought up an interesting argument. Thank you ~Jackie

Ys, it was (mostly) a great article by Reservoir Dad.
And even if male sexuality isn’t automatically predatory, selfish or cruel, it is very easy (too easy..) to feel or be made to feel that way by just being “too much”, as measured by any arbitrary measuring stick.

I also applaud your honesty, but more importantly, your willingness to do what it took to recreate your marriage. Your wife deserves huge credit for being so forthright with you, and so loyal. I understand this sense of breakage when you initiate and you’re rejected – not occasionally or even during a brief period you can account for – but for years. I think the mention of weight is also key. Weight serves as a sort of protective barrier. As a woman, when you’re trying to feel less sexual (because you’re not desired by the person you love), subconsciously, keeping… Read more »

“Fifty-seven percent of women and 39 percent of men report having sex out of obligation at least sometimes — but it’s the guys who initiate action more often. Over half of men surveyed report they initiate sex all of the time or most of the time. Around a third of women and men report they initiate sex equally.”

What I take away most is this “When you’re emotionally invested, when you get along well, when so many elements of a loving partnership exist – you tell yourself that sex is a small thing and you can adjust your expectations.”

Sex is a small thing, as long as it’s working.
To discuss it in a relationship, obviously both persons are (or should be…) emotionally invested!
I have found it very difficult to actually bring it to the table and have an honest, solution-oriented discussion about it with a person who is not so keen on it.

“There was a few heady weeks of pleasure, but quickly we sank into the routine that I had with my ex-wife: I avoided”. I hate to be that brutally honest person here, but this already happened to you once before it seems and yet you started a new relationship “with passion” knowing that it had a very quick expiration date. Meaning, you started off with deception instead of full-disclosure. And taking a vow of celibacy for a flesh-and-blood person who is not asexual is very frustrating, I am speaking from experience having had an asexual partner once. I think taking… Read more »

Sally, I think he is saying that he had believed that his previous problems were specific to that relationship. And he did try to get medical help before, but was told that he was fine. It’s a difficult thing to confront doctors about something that you don’t feel they are addressing adequately, and doubly so when that thing is sexual. I think we have to give him some credit for pursuing a solution until he found one. Also, I think one of the points of the essay is that it’s difficult to define one’s “true nature” in regards to sexual… Read more »

Sally, I knew he had that problem in his previous marriage. But like him, I saw it as yet one more sign that the relationship was utterly non-functional. And then I saw it as a problem with me, that he was unconsciously angry with me. Then I saw it as my lack of attractiveness. Then I saw it as him rightfully digging in his heals because I was being pushy. Then recently, I had the amazing discovery that it was never about me.

I’ve been in two long-term relationships with men whose sex drives just completely withered away after about a year. Then they became deeply resentful and even (as you mention in your article) scornful of my desire. It took me a good half-decade to realize there was nothing wrong with me and my sex drive, it was simply our collective socialization that men were supposed to be the pursuers and aggressive and women were supposed to be passive and patient. This left them feeling emasculated and me feeling humiliated and rejected time and time and time again. It was only in… Read more »

While I do feel this is a great article, its unfortunate that the woman had to agree to suppress her entire sexuality to get someone to ‘wake up.’ Good job to pay attention at that time, but shouldn’t womens’ desires be noticed before we have to entirely suppress them to get mens’ attention? I also think it’s a great article. I do however miss comments from the lower-sex-drive part when the gender situation is reversed. Men with a higher libido than their spouse have been told for decades that they are just too eager, and that they need to completely… Read more »

I refuse to have sex because as I’ve learned from the GMP enthusiasm is required from your partner. I’ve never had that and I refuse to be a rapist anymore. I’m so very glad for your story and the fact you have a solution in your marriage. I pray everything keeps working for you two.

This is an amazing, sensitive and insightful read. Thank you so much for offering such a candid and honest peek into a very intimate part of your lives. I think it’ll help a lot of people and really drives home the point that sex and libido is SO complex both emotionally and physiologically.

I wish you guys all the best in the future for a continuing happy marriage (and sex life!)

Do women write articles in this vein? Honestly acknowledging that their husband’s sexual dissatisfaction is going to cost them their marriage and then doing something about it? I don’t ask in a snarky way. I’d really like to find a few to read and possibly share with someone I know.

I believe women do, indeed, look at their own role in a relationship and the relative importance of sex to the couple. Some of us know both sides of this equation. Perhaps that makes us even better suited to understanding the complexity of what may be taking place – relationship issues, building of resentments, stress-induced hormonal changes, other causes of hormonal changes, and the importance of talk – as the author here has shown – in getting anything on the table so it can be dealt with. Note that in this instance, hormone levels appear to be the culprit. “The… Read more »

I deeply regret making it sound quite so straightforward, and I will be talking to the editors about including a link to a post-script or perhaps a follow-up piece. I will also need to discuss with my wife what she is comfortable sharing. I know that she has been very guarded about some things even though she writes under a pen name. For now I can say this: I used the words, “I won’t tell you that our life was all wine and roses after I started taking testosterone supplements” when what I should have said was: “What followed was… Read more »

@D.A. Wolf: Some of us know both sides of this equation. Perhaps that makes us even better suited to understanding the complexity of what may be taking place – relationship issues, building of resentments, stress-induced hormonal changes, other causes of hormonal changes, and the importance of talk – as the author here has shown – in getting anything on the table so it can be dealt with. My experience is rather the opposite. Women losing interest in sex in a relationship is rather natural/biological, there’s nothing to be done about it (no point in even trying, as it has nothing… Read more »

This article was incredible. And could have been written about my previous marriage which to some extent ended because of issues described in this article.

Your wife and I could be twins from the emotions, to pain and anger to weight gain, weight loss and blossoming and to that incredible sexual appetite. It’s taken me nearly 50 years to find someone as evolved as what you describe yourself (in this article) to be now. But I’m still cautious. Thank you and your wife for sharing this.