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About Dr. Laura Markham

Dr. Laura Markham is the author of the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, which continues to rack up 5 star reviews on Amazon, attesting to the power of her relationship-based approach to parenting. Her second book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life, gives parents the tools to raise children who are kind to each other, who can work out the conflicts that inevitably arise, and who can build rewarding relationships not only with their siblings but with everyone in their lives. Her latest book, the Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids WORKBOOK, gives parents the tools to more deeply connect with their child, set limits with empathy, and stay calm even on those tough days.

Dr. Laura trained as a Clinical Psychologist, earning her PhD from Columbia University. But she's also a mom, so she translates proven science into the practical solutions you need for the family life you want.

The founding editor of the extensive website AhaParenting.com, Dr. Laura sends a free coaching email three times weekly to over 100,000 parents and contributes to many websites, including Psychology Today, Mothering.com, The Natural Parent Magazine, Pregnancy.org, Girlie Girl Army, and SheKnows.com. She makes frequent TV and radio appearances and has been interviewed for hundreds of articles by publications as diverse as The Wall Street Journal, Real Simple, Newsday, Men's Health, Redbook and Parents Magazine.

Dr. Laura's relationship-based parenting model has helped thousands of families across the U.S. and Canada find compassionate, common-sense solutions to everything from separation anxiety and sleep problems to sass talk and cell phones. She lives in Brooklyn, New York, with her husband and has two terrific kids -- now 22 and 26.

Author Updates

"We often don’t feel the wonder and beauty because we're too busy trying to live up to the ideal in our head.... The cost of perfection is that it stresses us out to the point where we no longer enjoy the moment we're living in." - Pastor Jon
Most of us aspire to give our kids a fairy-tale holiday. After all, there's nothing quite like seeing our child's face shining with joy.
But there's often a deeper fantasy driving us at this time of year. On some level, w

“Kids may be screaming for the latest gadget, but what they want more than anything is time with the family. Make that your biggest gift this year.” – MidnightBliss
"You will always be your child's favorite toy." -- Vicki Lansky
All of us want to make our children's faces shine by gifting them with something special, especially at the holidays, no matter what holiday we celebrate. Isn't that what makes dreams come true?
Unfortunately, no. In fact, thos

"Television advertisements for toys and games often exploit children's underlying needs and desires. Many commercials show a child playing with a game or toy with her parents. The message is clear to young children: Ask for this product and your mother and father will pay attention to you. It is an offer they cannot resist." -- Lawrence Kutner
Worried that your child seems to get a bit greedy at the holidays? Consider that maybe something deeper is being triggered --

"Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions." – Hafiz
Do you notice how quickly stress can spiral into anxiety? Maybe we notice that we're almost out of bread, and wonder when we'll have time to pick it up, and before we know it we're in a tailspin over how overwhelmed and rushed we feel, how we'll never catch up with all the things we have to do, how we never get our own needs met, how unappreciated we feel.
That can

"Dr. Laura.....I probably say 'Good Job!" ten times a day....if that isn't a good idea, what am I supposed to say to encourage good behavior?!" - Ariana
In my last post, I wrote that praise as we usually give it isn't good for kids. So, like Ariana, you may be wondering how else you can give your child positive feedback.
After all, you may have heard that it takes at least 7 positive interactions for every negative interaction to maintain a good relationship. W

"An impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a 'Good job!'"-- Alfie Kohn
Many of us didn't get all the positive encouragement we needed as we grew up, and we know that criticism can undermine a child's mor

"Thanksgiving involves an act of the will. It's not a question of pretending that everything is bright and beautiful when you know it's not. To give thanks is to stand up in the face of the storm and declare that life is worth living." -Charles Henderson
If you live in the US, you're gearing up for Thanksgiving on Thursday. (If it isn't Thanksgiving where you live, I hope this post will start you thinking about your December holiday.)
This Thanksgiving, as you gather

"Concentrate on naming, savoring, and feeling gratitude for the blessings you do have -- your love for your kid, the pleasures of eating the food you like, the sight of the sky at dusk, the entertaining drama of your unique fate. Don't ignore the bad stuff, but make a point of celebrating the beautiful stuff with all the exuberant devotion you can muster." -- Rob Brezsny
If you feel like your life isn't as joyful as you'd like, here's a sure-fire strategy to r

“Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?” - Jane Nelsen
Parents are often surprised to hear that most of what we think of as discipline -- spankings, consequences, even timeouts -- doesn't help kids become responsible, self-disciplined people. After all, parents punish so kids will

"My daughter was battling me about homework and my stress level kept rising ... when she finally sat down to do her homework and requested a snack, I refused to cut up a mango for her. Even just typing these words makes me realize how ridiculous it was, but I was mad and I wanted to show her that she would not get a snack until she did what I wanted her to do. We both became frustrated and angry and she ran off to her room and locked the door. I stood in my kitchen and cried .

Would you like a way to avoid power struggles and meltdowns at those inconvenient times, like when you're trying to get your kids into the car to go somewhere? The answer is Preventive Maintenance.
What's Preventive Maintenance? Think about what happens to your car if you don't fill it with gas, change the oil, and give it a regular tune up. It ends up in the breakdown lane. Life with children isn't so different. With preventive maintenance, you meet your child's needs before th

"By taking the time to stop and appreciate who you are and what you've achieved - and perhaps learned through a few mistakes, stumbles and losses - you actually can enhance everything about you. Self-acknowledgment and appreciation are what give you the insights and awareness to move forward... - Jack Canfield
What are your biggest strengths as a parent? Don’t worry about humility; just be honest. What would an impartial observer admire if she could watch your best moments with y

“Before the plane takes off, the pilots have a flight plan… but during the course of the flight, wind, rain, turbulence, air traffic, human error, and other factors act on the plane… 90% of the time the plane is not even on the prescribed flight path... During the flight, the pilots make constant adjustments to get back on track. The flight of that airplane is the perfect metaphor for family life… It doesn’t make any difference if we are off target or even if our family is a mess. The

"My little guy does not like it when I cook or do laundry or do the dishes. Why am I not paying attention to him? But I soon realized that he loves to help. He puts clothes in the washing machine, gathers potatoes to bring to the kitchen, brings me clothes hangers. And yes, it takes much longer than if I had done it all myself. But he actually squeals with delight at being given his next task. And I end up being much less frustrated." —Wendy
Most parents wish t

“Our offspring have simply leveraged our good intentions and over-investment...They inhabit a broad savannah of entitlement that we’ve watered, landscaped, and hired gardeners to maintain.” -Sally Koslow
"I think I want my daughter to have some sense of entitlement... We were raised that we don't deserve anything, including respect.... This happens every generation, the same spoiled children story....I'm sure the first generation of kids to wear shoes or g

"If you're upset, it is the wrong thing to say or do and will only aggravate the situation. It is not what you want to say. It does not represent your true intention and is therefore inauthentic. The proof to this inauthenticity is that later you regret your words and actions and they build walls between you and your child." -- Naomi Aldort
When we're angry at our children, most of us burst out with words we would never say if we were calm. Later, we're remorsef

"Choosing love seems to mean swallowing your kid's crap." - Philippe
My parenting mantra is "Choose Love." This reminds me that in any situation where fear is tightening its grip or anger is building toward an explosion, I can defuse the situation. I may not know what to do or say. I may be scared, or angry. But I always have the choice to turn away from fear or anger, to open the door and let love in.
I can't always pull this off, but when I can, it always

“Expressing gratitude works. The moment we start taking things for granted—whether it be our husbands or our health—those things stop making us happy." -- Sonja Lyubomirsky, Happiness Researcher
Researchers have found a concrete way to raise your happiness set point. Every day -- as you fall asleep at night is a good time -- picture three positive things from your day and soak in how grateful you are for them. People who do this get happier almost immediately, a

“What we’re really measuring with the marshmallows isn’t will power…It’s much more important than that. This task forces kids to find a way to make the situation work for them. They want the second marshmallow, but how can they get it?” -Walter Mischel
We can think of self-discipline as the ability to manage ourselves to reach our goals. In Walter Mischel's Marshmallow experiments, he tested how long a child can resist eating a treat, if it means she will then get

“If you can deal with hot emotions, then you can study for the SAT instead of watching television, and you can save more money for retirement. It’s not just about marshmallows.” - Walter Mischel
Walter Mischel died earlier this month at the age of 88, so I've been fielding a lot of questions about the Marshmallow test, Mischel's most famous research. Today, I'll describe the Marshmallow test and why it's useful for every parent to understand. In my next post, we'll explore how c

"Dr. Laura...You wrote: 'Sometimes kids just need to cry...Set a reasonable limit and welcome his meltdown.' Are you saying that I should just say No and let my son cry, and things will get better? That's what my parents did, and I spent hours in my room crying. It wasn't good for me, and it made me so angry at them." - Shelly
Shelly makes a good point. Sometimes we all just need a good cry. And kids, with their immature frontal cortex, need to cry more often than adult

"I just don't believe that kids learn to do what's right by us giving them hugs. The only reason I ever did my homework was the strap waiting if I brought home a bad report card." -- Jack
It's true. Kids need our hugs, but hugs alone don't teach children to do the right thing. How do kids develop an inner compass?
Our modeling. When we take responsibility, when we apologize, when we regulate our own emotions, when we treat others, including our child, with respect,

"To listen fully means to pay close attention to what is being said beneath the words. Ears operate at the speed of sound, which is far slower than the speed of light the eyes take in. Generative listening is the art of developing deeper silences in yourself, so you can slow your mind's hearing to your ears' natural speed, and hear beneath the words to their meaning." -- Peter Senge
Many parents ask their child how their day was and hear "fine." They wo

“Dr. Laura -- I tried your advice to snuggle more with my son, who is four and often seems angry since his brother was born. At first it was great, he was giggling. Then he started to hit me. He wasn’t playing, he seemed actually really mad at me. I didn’t know what to do, so I held his hand and said “I won’t let you hit me. I see you’re mad.” Then he started to cry. Why did this happen when I was being so nice and trying to be close to him?” -- Katie
Most of us are taken

“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well” -- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
We all know that every child deserves unconditional love from his or her parents. So the question is, when we're disappointed in our kids, when we're angry at them, do we withdraw our love? Most parents would say "Of course not! They know I love them. I'm just mad right now! How will they know I'm serious if I don't get angry?"&nb

Ever wondered why some parents can keep a sense of humor in the face of their child's challenging behavior while another parent starts yelling? Why some parents plague themselves with criticism, worry and doubt while others seem more able to just relax and enjoy their children?
Sometimes, it's just our stress level. We all know that when we're under stress, we're less patient.
But often it's our thoughts and attitudes, which means the way we're interpreting the situation. So w

In our last post, we talked about how to cut the drama when your child triggers you. But what if you find yourself exploding often? That's a message that you need to do some work on yourself. After all, no one ever really "triggers" you. They're your triggers, whether from stress, from your own childhood, or from other life traumas. Your child has simply unearthed them and is giving you the opportunity to heal them.
Life has a way of doling out lessons that we didn't ask for

"When my little boy shouts at me, it really pushes my buttons. I just can't help it. I always end up shouting back, or worse." - Shannon
Many parents tell me that when their child gets defiant, they "can't help" losing their tempers. But if we can't stay calm when we feel provoked, how can we expect our children to do so? When you live with children, you can expect childish behavior. It's our job to calm the storm, not escalate it into a tsunami.How can you mod

"Where does resilience come from?....It comes from knowing that you never have to be alone….If you feel connected, you will always be able to deal with adversity. The skills we need to deal with adversity begin with a feeling of 'I can handle this.' It is a feeling of 'No matter what happens, I can find a solution'; a feeling of 'I have dealt with hard times and come out fine before'; a feeling of 'Even when I feel lost, I always have somewhere to turn.'” – Dr. Edwa

"Disconnection is at the heart of many behavior problems. We often respond to "bad behavior" with isolation, time outs, humiliation, hitting, slapping, threats, yelling or withdrawal of love. These responses create even more disconnection, which is why they don't work very well." - Dr. Lawrence Cohen
All parents get frustrated when our child knows the appropriate behavior but doesn't do it. Even worse is provocative behavi

"Dr. Laura, I know I can't raise healthy kids if I'm always flying off the handle, but do you have any tips on staying centered with two kids? I just don't have time to do the things I used to do to take care of myself, like going to the gym. I'm so tired all the time!" - Emily
"Dr. Laura, I'm great with my kids on vacation. But most of the time, I'm just so stressed out, my default is yelling!" - David
These comments sparked the series we just finish

"It is only by nurturing the life that we are experiencing right here and now that the ladder to anything else is constructed." - Michael Brown
We talked in our last post about getting rid of what drains you, so can you feel more energetic and alive. But what if you’ve found a whole list of things you don’t like and can’t eliminate? Maybe, for instance, your children's behavior?
Kids aren’t “perfect” any more than we are. Your baby resists diaper changes, your

Are you Nurturing Yourself while Raising Your Child, yet? We're on the homestretch of this "Self-care for Parents" series, so take advantage of these last couple of posts about self-care, before we're back to kids and behavior!
“Self-care builds your connection with who you are at the core of your being so that when the tides of life get rough, you are anchored and don’t get swept away.” - Timothy James
Our body sends us constant signals about what's working, and w

“There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost.” -- Martha Graham
Raising a child takes so much out of us that we often sacrifice most everything else that's important to us. And that's appropriate, for periods of time. But it isn't sustainable long-term. If we spen

"Everybody's got a hungry heart." - Bruce Springsteen
"We don't talk enough about how not having a tribe affects us as parents.... I have the fervent hope that we start talking about the exhaustion, need for community and help that we parents need." - Jennifer
Parents carry the heavy burden for society of raising the next generation of human beings. The problem is, in our modern culture they carry it with very little social support. I know you feel a founta

"Make a habit of bringing your awareness to your breathing frequently throughout your day. Our breath connects us to feelings of peace and contentment. Take a minute to deepen your breath from shallow, tense chest breathing to relaxed, deep belly breathing. When you feel totally overwhelmed, stop whatever you're doing, close your eyes if possible, take three deep breaths, and let your body and mind relax." -- Jan Marie Dore
We all know that we're more likely to snap at our c

"Don’t look at it as exercise — instead, play games and have a ton of fun! The main thing is just to get outside every day and do something you think is fun. You can play sports like soccer, basketball, or badminton. You can play games like freeze tag or ride a bike or do running races with your friends or family. You can go on hikes with your family or go swimming or paddling. Do lots of different things, and again, focus on having fun, and doing it often.” – Leo Babau

"Usually our ideas of self-care are something you do, child-free, to care for yourself. But what if this form of self-care isn’t possible? Self care can be as simple as taking deep breaths while you are sitting with a screaming child. Having a cup of tea while you read your child a book... I really like this idea of self-care because it doesn’t make having kids and self-care mutually exclusive. I do go out to dance classes and yoga on my own, but when I can’t or don

“I'm stressed, we're rushing, and before I know it, I'm yelling. When I see the look on his face, I feel awful. He was just being a kid. And I was just stressed out.” -- Dana
As every parent learns, you can't be a good mom or dad when you're stressed out, no matter how positive your intentions.
It's true that modern life creates a ton of stress, but it's also true that what stresses out one person may just roll off the back of another. So stress is partly what happens t<

"Dr. Laura, I'm great with my kids on vacation. But most of the time, I'm just so stressed out, my default is yelling!" -- David

Vacations can sometimes be stressful: airplane flights, extended-family dynamics, disrupted sleep schedules.
But if we pay attention, we can usually structure vacations so that we as parents can slow down a bit and meet our own needs. We get a chance to soak in the sweetness of life, to feel more expansive.
That breathing

"My daughter was being so rude and belligerent. She was screaming at me about everything, so finally I just lost patience and yelled at her to go to her room. Then she burst into tears and sobbed and sobbed. Finally she recovered enough to say she was scared of first grade. I hadn't even realized....." - Tara
When children are having a hard time, their feelings usually explode at the people with whom they feel safe -- Us! It's natural for us to get angry, reprim

Have you ever: Been flooded by remorse because you lost your temper? Wished you could hit the erase button to wipe out something you said to your child? Worried that you’ve damaged your child’s psyche?
If you didn’t answer Yes to at least one of these questions, you’re probably not a parent.
We all have hard times when we know we’re messing up but just can’t seem to stop ourselves before we open our mouths. The bad news is, parenting is the toughest thing we d

"Before I even notice, I’m already 10 steps into reacting with whatever issue is at hand with my kids. When I can remain calm, it certainly helps the situation as opposed to when I get heated up, which only makes things worse. It makes me sad to know that until now, I have not been a good example of emotional regulation at all. And it's so disheartening to see my kids doing things that I know they saw us do.....throw something, slam a door...."
Sounds fa

"I love your posts, but my husband is afraid that if we allow our kids to get upset as you suggest, they'll never learn to control their emotions. Don't we need to just say No sometimes?" - Rachel
All of us worry about our kids learning to control their emotions. After all, it's emotions that so often get us off track and into trouble. And of course we need to just say No sometimes. Kids can't run into the street, throw their food at each other, or pee on their baby b<

"Shaming makes the child wrong for feeling, wanting or needing something." - Robin Grille
"Harsh, critical parental behavior produces shame-prone, perfectionistic children who then pass the family bad habit down to their children." - Lynne Namka
In our last post, we talked about how the mild shame that helps us learn social rules can get twisted into toxic shame when children are punished.
Of course, ALL children will at times feel, want or need so

"Any man can be a father but it takes someone special to be a Dad." -- Anne Geddes

Today is Father's Day. The perfect time to honor every Dad who shows up for his children. It's not an easy thing, being the best father you can be. But you're making a huge difference in your child's life -- now, and every day of your child's future.
Every hug you give, every joke you share, every moment that you listen patiently, every time you take a deep breath and see th

"Dr. Laura...I hate Father's Day. My children's father left us and takes no interest in them. And then I get your email about how important fathers are. Are my children scarred for life?"
"Dr. Laura...I am a single mother by choice. I resent the implication that I am damaging my child."
"Dr. Laura....My partner and I (both women) chose to have two children using a sperm donor. We work hard to be exc

Children learn to regulate their behaviors by developing an emotional 'clutch,' located in the prefrontal cortex, that can turn the accelerator off when the brakes are applied and redirect their interest in more acceptable directions....An activated accelerator followed by the application of brakes leads to a nervous system response with a turning away of eye gaze, a feeling of heaviness in the chest, and a sinking feeling." - Dan Siegel and Mary Hartzell
The mild feeling