Author
Topic: Overgifting (Read 16470 times)

This topic came up on our local morning radio program. A young woman called and said she had been dating a man for two months. As a Christmas gift he bought her a pricey piece of jewelry. She felt he spent way too much money for a situation where they only knew each other for 6-8 weeks. She had gotten him a small gift (no where near the cost of the jewelry) and now feels embarrassed. Her question was should she return the gift with an explanation as to why she couldn't accept it or should she accept it without question.

I had been in a similar situation in high school, but the guy in question told me he wanted to buy me pearls for my 16th birthday. I told him that was too much money to spend on me since I wasn't dating him exclusively and if he wanted to do something for my birthday he could take me to a movie.

There used to be a rule that ladies never accepted gifts of an intimate nature from a gentleman, and in those days jewelry fell into that category, unless they were married. While I realize times are different and etiquette may need to be updated a bit, I think she should give it back to him.

Logged

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

My first thought was the old rule that a real lady never accepts jewelry from a gentleman unless they're engaged or married. So he was wrong at the outset, and she needs to give the jewelry back.

I guess I'm not a "real" lady then...

OP, I'd agree that she should give the gift back if she feels uncomfortable, but if it were a less expensive piece she'd be fine to keep it. I'm not going to argue if a guy I'm dating wants to give me something reasonably priced and sparkly!

My first thought was the old rule that a real lady never accepts jewelry from a gentleman unless they're engaged or married. So he was wrong at the outset, and she needs to give the jewelry back.

She doesn't need to give it back but she should, if she doesn't feel comfortable with the gift.

I wouldn't compare his gift to hers on the basis of price alone. Was it honestly given or as a way to pressure her (for sex, for a relationship, to unbalance power in the relationship)? Is the value a lot for him as well or comparable to what he spends on other people? If he gave his family $20 gifts and hers was $400, that would be very uncomfortable. If, however, he gave everyone, including her, $100, that would be a different situation.

However, the bottom line is communication. If she is uncomfortable, she should tell him.

1) She need not feel any embarrassment about her gift not matching his in its monetary worth, and it would reveal his true colors fast if he makes an issue out of it. Gifts should be thoughtful, appropriate and within the means of the gift-giver; it's folly in any situation (romantic or not), in my opinion, to do the sad calculus of "what will they spend on me, I have to make sure mine matches."

2) However, she has excellent instincts that it's way too early, in terms of what they're doing, not in terms of time, to give such a significant present. I gather they are in the early stages of dating; he's jumping way too far ahead. Some of those early stages are fun! He's leaving himself no where to go. She should return it with, to quote Miss Manners, a mouth that says no but eyes that shine.