Bigger, Bluer, Messier

And I’m Not Particularly Fond of…

Last week in Improv a few of us were joking about how lately the focus of the blog has been on things I hate and we agreed that if there could be a blog devoted entirely to things that were “awesome” then there definitely could be room for the not so awesome. I mulled this over for a whole couple of minutes (I’m a very deep thinker) and decided that while I’m sure I could easily come up with things I hate (or at least “things that I strongly dislike” or maybe “things that make me roll my eyes”) it still might be a little too negative, even for me.

But since I can’t completely let them down, I decided to just hit upon some of the current highlights of things that make me grumble:

Mornings – I mentioned it in the past, but I’m still against them. The only way I can begin to stomach them is if I am exposed to very little stimulation (dim lights, limited noise, soft blankets). No amount of caffeine will ever cut through the disdain I reserve for mornings and your blathering (online, offline, inline, out of line) isn’t helping. See me at 10am. Until then, I’ll be working quietly. Now, if you have an interesting story, I’m all ears.

The time change – the only thing positive about going back to standard time is I get one more hour of sleep. I’m a huge fan of one more hour, because I’m not a morning person (see above). In fact, I’d whole-heartily support the time change if every six months we just continued to tack on one more hour to my sleep. Once we got to the point where I was actually getting up at 9 or 10am, even if we were calling it 5, we could stop. NO BACKSIES! If we did this one thing, I’d buy a celebratory shirt. I’d get pompoms. I’d perform a half-hearted somersault.

The party pooper princess – that person who tries to suck the life out of everyone around them at a gathering because they’ve suddenly discovered they’re not the center of attention and that little epiphany is fucking with their tiara – they’re the ones having a little pout because no one is talking about them (or to them for that matter). You’ve seen them with their shoulders slumped in, their eyes constantly rolling back as they trivialize the conversations around them; the punishment for not being included – and, like a leech they’ve attached themselves to you, draining your soul and hellbent on guaranteeing you’ll slash your wrists before the evening is finished.

Anyone who starts a speech with “America Has Spoken” – no, a majority have spoken and not even a true majority, a majority of voters who bothered to vote in a mid-term election which historically has low voter turn-out, so really start your pompous speech with “A whole bunch of older white folks who wheeled out to the polls… ” Sure, I spoke, but what I said with MY vote is actually the opposite of what you’re beating your chest over. You stop trying to use me in your speech and I’ll stop swearing at you through the radio. Deal? If you want to speak for me, call me up and I’ll help you get the words right.

And then there are a still few more minor dislikes on my list like the cold, discussions about my purple hair and work, but you’ve had enough for now. I don’t want to overload you, then send you out on the streets where you’ll doubtlessly feel compelled to elbow an undeserving stranger. Shame on you. I also hate that you did that.