Progressives, civility, & Palin: Anatomy of an apology

Or rather, an apology that tried to be an apology, but fell down on the job.

Phil Munger of Progressive Alaska apologizes to Palin: A classic example of an apology that is not an apology.

I took this screenshot just 44 seconds before Phil’s poll closed — lucky for me, because I didn’t want to directly advertise the results of a poll that I found offensive from the get-go. Note that Phil has since changed the title of his post to simply “PA’s Apology to Sarah Palin” after a commenter pointed out that “the liquor gig isn’t until April.”

Here’s why Phil’s attempt at apology doesn’t actually do the job:

Dear Ms. Palin,

Last week, I wrote a column at my blog, then posted a poll there, both of which used the term “slut” toward you in a demeaning, offensive way.

The column headline was sexist. The poll limited options for voters to having to choose whether one thought you to be a saint or slut. I’m sure you regard yourself to be neither, so the poll was more offensive than the earlier headline had been.

So far so good. All, in my opinion, completely accurate. I could further add that a good many commentators on Phil’s blog & on my own, where I first criticized Phil for his poll last week, also did not find either of these forced choices to be accurate — no matter how much they dislike Palin or the views she espouses. Not to mention that many women, myself included, find use of the word slut problematic no matter to whom it is applied, given the historical use of that word as a way to demean & control women in general.

But still, to that point the apology was doing its job. Then it fell down:

The poll is still active.

If one has committed an offense, & is still actively committing the offense, in what sense is the apology an apology? Answer: it isn’t one.

Rather than dilute this apology, I might expand on why I was so upset in a later letter.

No need to dilute the apology further anyway: it’s already ceased to be an apology. The poll is still active. At the moment of this writing, one can still visit Phil’s blog & see its results.

Though it’s a good impulse to separate the “why I said it” from the apology itself. I think a lot of us would like to know why Phil was that upset. But apologies are best undiluted by any excuses or attempts to rationalize the wrong.

Or not.

I’m truly sorry.

Phil Munger

Funny thing is, I think that Phil truly is sorry, truly does believe he was wrong to put up the poll. Just not sorry enough to take it down.

I thought the original title of Phil’s post — “PA’s Apology to Sarah Palin on the Eve of Her $$$100K Appearance Before the National Liquor Sellers’ Convention” — was a red flag too. Apologies that attempt to present mitigating circumstances or rationalizations for the offense aren’t really apologies. Save the explanations for later, after the real apology has been made.

Apologies aren’t easy. Some people seem to believe that if they make a full & true apology for wronging someone they are strongly opposed to, that they’re somehow letting the person they’ve wronged win on every other count. Well, no. In November, I found myself having to apologize for misconstruing something Palin & her ghostwriter said in her book. My apology doesn’t put her on the side of what is true and honest. My apology is me doing my best to keep me honest. But there’ve been plenty of times in my life when I’ve been unable to make honest apology for a long time, because sometimes it takes a long time to even admit I’ve done wrong.

Phil, maybe now’s not the time. Having read comments on your blog, seems that some of your defenders don’t think you should even apologize at all. I obvi0usly disagree, but in the end I guess it’s a matter between you & your own conscience.

The conversation since Phil first used the word slut to describe Palin, & since he put up his poll, has now appeared on at least four blogs & lots of comments to those blogs. For anyone who wants to play catch up, here they are:

2/15/2010. “PA’s Apology to Sarah Palin” by Phil Munger (Progressive Alaska). Originally titled “PA’s Apology to Sarah Palin on the Eve of Her $$$100K Appearance Before the National Liquor Sellers’ Convention.”

Update 5:00 PM

Phil has now taken down the offensive poll (because “it was over”), & has written a second apology post, this time apologizing for those of his readers including me who found his use of the term “slut” offensive. I’ve added the post to the list above.

Anyway, for the time being, I’m going to try to clean up my language at PA. I think that both Steve and Mel are right in sensing that use of overly derisive terms puts some off who would otherwise appreciate what I write here.

Thanks to everyone who commented either pro or con on how I termed Palin, and on the poll.

And to those who were offended, I really am sorry.

Thanks, Phil. As one of those offended, I accept your apology. I also really appreciate the respect & consideration with which you’ve treated my criticisms over the past week.

Meantime, I have been privately informed about a post at the Conservatives for Palin (C4P) site which has taken it upon itself to congratulate me for being one of those “with the courage to criticise those whose lives seem committed to a downward spiral of abusive tabloideeze about all things Palin.” And then demonstrating my “courage” by selectively quoting from a number of my comments over at Phil’s blog, being very careful to exclude any of the numerous things I said in those comments that were in any way critical of Palin or her followers. I’ll be writing a post later to correct the imbalance. (At least they had the courtesy to recognize that I’m not a C4P fan, & also to notice that I’m a she not a he — since I sign my comments Mel, I’m sometimes mistakenly assumed to be male.)

I’ve also taken a bit of criticism for being “holier than thou,” “sanctimonious,” & “self-righteous,” & for some other stuff too complex to go into right now for how I’ve conducted myself during the course of these discussions. I’ve appreciated Phil’s self-examination in his second apology post today; I feel it’s only fair to do my own. So I’ll be writing one of those later too, in the next couple of days. Thanks.

I’ve been very upset about Palin too. One time I called the radio and described her as Alaska’s worst governor ever. Another time I said that if she drove her suburban up on a sidewalk and ran over a bunch of pedestrians, the Attorney General (at that time Talis Colberg) would blame the pedestrians.

But I never called her a slut. If I got upset and said stuff that I later regretted, I’d apologize. If I didn’t retract, people would assume I’m something other than myself because I stood behind the stuff that I shouldn’t have said..

Though it’s a good impulse to separate the “why I said it” from the apology itself. I think a lot of us would like to know why Phil was that upset.

— I was trying to express my approval for that part of the post. I.e., I thought it was good when you said,

Rather than dilute this apology, I might expand on why I was so upset in a later letter.

For what it’s worth, in my opinion if you had (1) taken down the poll, which would then permit you to (2) omit the line about the poll still being live — the post would have been a great apology exactly as written. (You’ve already corrected one problem, by changing the post title.)

As it is, the fact the poll is still up makes the apology worthless. As you are still engaging in the behavior about which you’re supposedly apologizing.

Jim, I think apology is a lot like forgiveness. It’s not so much about the person to whom you’re apologizing, or who you forgive — those people might still continue to be just as creepy & “unforgivable” as they were before you apologized or forgave.

Both apology & forgiveness are about releasing yourself from the anger or hatred or whatever difficult feelings you have about the other person & your relationship with them. With apology, particularly, you acknowledge your own wrong, & hopefully let the people you’ve wronged know that you’ve learned from your mistake & are going to do your best not to offend in the future. You’re letting yourself move on, hopefully as a better person — no matter what the other person chooses to do.

First justice and then an apology. I personally wish every one would just go back to their own blogs and say whatever they need to say. So much self-righteousness is nauseating. It is whatever it is and folks say what they need to say – but the ‘counseling’ is really un-necessary except to make the commenting individual feel all pure and sanctimonious. As my 13-year old neighbor says, “barf”.

Well, Tired of it all, maybe I am being self-righteous & sanctimonious. Let each person judge for themselves. A friend has written to me privately & accused me of being “holier than thou.”

All I can say is, silence = consent, & I’m tired of being silent when other people who are presumably “on my side” pollute their message with ugly language & behavior. They are progressive bloggers, I am a progressive blogger — their behavior for right or wrong reflects on me.

I don’t consent to ugly behavior from my friends & allies. So I’ve stopped being silent about it.

Re: people saying whatever they need to say: I’d’ve been happier if Phil had just refused to apologize at all, if he really felt justified — than to write an apology that proved to be anything but. If he thinks I’m talking out of my arse, he’s free to tell me so too. Whether here or on his own blog. But even as he’s exercises his freedom of speech to run his “slut v. saint” poll & to write an apology-that-isn’t-one, he’s also exercised his freedom of speech to treat my views with respect and care — even when he doesn’t agree with me. I think a lot of him for that — even when I don’t agree with him.

Mel-
Watching people’s reactions unfold on the variety of issues surrounding Phil’s post has been instructive to me. I very much appreciate your voice in this for a variety of reasons.
I’m part of a collective blog whose overarching purpose is to work toward and foster dignity and parity for rural Alaska . Who knows whether we have made real strides but we keep plugging away.
We have plenty of email avalanches behind the scenes over issues and ideas and we don’t always agree. ( I’m the one usually typing “NO,NO, NO!!!!” or “I’m madder than hell…!” Everyone else is more polite… )
Only once, so far ( and I hope it’s the only time we ever do it), did we jump the bounds of civility in our subject and fall into behavior publically which made us all feel like hypocrites. It was a pretty slimy situation. Took some weeks before we could begin to pick up the pieces and in some ways we never have regained something important… as of yet anyway.
We broke bonds to our purpose. We’re trying to rebuild them. It’s a lot of extra work and I’m getting too old for extra work.
Have gotten some good ideas from this week and you. Thank you.