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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

"Excuse me," I slide up to the gentlemen at the bar. I'm like butter. "I couldn't help but overhear that, uh, you guys were having a conversation. Might I join?"

They stop talking and turn to look at me. Turn to each other, one motion, then back at me, amused and trying to hold back surprised chuckles. I'm deadpan and drunk as all hell, and focused on keeping my eyes naturally wide and innocent, but I probably look like some drunk girl focused on keeping her eyes wide and innocent, and it's fucking brilliant.

"Really? Did you just say that?"

I tilt, like a bird. "Say what?"

"That. Is. Awesome. Yes," the first guy snickers. I name him Hat Guy in my brain, and he offers me a beer-spilling cheers, "Yes, yes, you can join in on our conversation."

"How come we never thought of that?" the second guy (I have named him Ginger by now) says to Hat Guy as he sips his beer.

"Because I am on fire today," I explain, "you guys have like, no idea how awesome I am today. Go on. Ask me how awesome I am."

"How awesome are you?" they're in unison, and it's funny.

I smile, and I'm butter again. "Very."

"Okay, that's fair," Hat Guy smiles.

"I'm convinced," Ginger adds.

I take a sip of my beer. "I am so awesome," I clap my hand on Hat Guy's shoulder, "that I just invented the best pick-up line ever, because it's not just a pick-up line, it's a test." I nod at them, knowingly, willing them to understand.

It takes a few seconds. They're befuddled, slightly, and Hat Guy starts to come around. "Oh, because if we think it's funny..."

"Then you are also awesome."

"So you're picking us up?" Ginger won't look at me. Look at me, Ginger, or I will make you look at me.

"Oh, psssh, no," I'm smug and drunk, and my feet slip on the floor behind their barstools, "they just dared me to talk to you guys and I was all, 'fucking watch this, bitches, I'm like a social butterfly' and I said the first thing that came to mind. By the way, I don't know if you guys saw that, but I totally just almost slipped and fell right there, and then you guys would have had to pick up pieces of my face."

They laugh. "I like you," Ginger nods.

Hat Guy agrees. "Yeah, I like her, too."

Duh. "Duh. I'm like a genius or something."

"Or something. What's your name?"

We exchange names, and I forget theirs instantly. They are Hat Guy and Ginger.

"So, Rassles, what're you drinking?" Hat Guy asks.

"PBR. Are you buying me a beer? You are excellent."

Ginger turns to me. "So, you're a genius, right? You said that?"

I nod very seriously.

"Plus, you have good pick up lines," Ginger says.

"Plus that, and then multiply it by awesome."

"So your friends told you to talk to us," Hat Guy affirms.

"Yup." I wave my hand towards the corner and and grab the back of his chair. "Over there. Back corner. I'm glad I did--you guys are fun."

I ran into a guy down here recently who hates Canadians - seriously. Despises the whole nation and its mild-mannered citizenry. Usually they (the furriners) hate us Americans, but this guy had a real hard-on for Canucks. He never did explain why.

I hope this story has a second and maybe a third part because right now I'm continuing the story in my head and it includes Ginger being really hot for you. There might be some Air Supply in the background of my story, but don't hold that against me.

Boomer: Usually when I rock the fuck out to JBH, it's all for me as well.

Mae: I don't remember if the were hot. I just remember what was on the tops of their heads. A hat and red hair. And they had deep voices, and laughed a lot. Good people.

K and E: Life would be easier without the urge.

Zen: No one wants to be the object of my pick up lines. It takes a very, very, very forgiving mindset, and the ability to be offending by almost nothing.

RF: Sometimes, it's like I ate him for breakfast.

Libby: I hate to break it to you, but lines like that totally don't get you laid. They make you a friend.

Heidi: Well jeepers. Thanks.

Nikki: Awesomosity, yes. Waterfalls, yes.

Lisa: Funny is what I was going for. I think.

Gwen: Yeah, not really. He's never seen Goonies, and he "doesn't really like movies much" so I punched his shoulder and called him a fucktard. And THAT is why I am single.

Freeman: People from Canada think they're all easy-going and laid back, but they take shit personally, man.

Sid: Goal of the day fulfilled.

Nurse: Sometimes, I am hilare.

Diaryofwhy: Why?

Ellie: I like that. They would wither in my brightness. That explains the usual uneasiness and apathy.

Sarah: Getting drunk with me is on the list of my things to do as well. Oh, look at that. Goal accomplished. I could get drunk with you too, sure.

Schmee: You know me. Nothing happened. We talked about movies and then I walked home and passed out.

Erin: I wish people could say stuff like that in real life.

Chris: Well, that would be ideal. And then I could be all, "Guys, guys...no need to fight. There is plenty of Rassles to go around." And then they'd laugh and be like, "Oh, we're not fighting over you, we just like to touch each other" and then they would make out, and I would feel dejected.

Other Chris: Well, one guy did need a hat.

Gypsy: Alas, no. My life doesn't work like that, unfortunately.

Meems: Um, I probably would have said, "Dude, are you afraid to look at me or something? I know, I know. Scary right?" (I am not smooth.)

Del-V: Something about their friend on a roof or something. I don't remember. It was boring, and I made them change subjects.

Hedon: Well, thank you. Like a Dogde Ram full of awesome, or like, a semi? Because I like to think semi.

Say something

So, I have a tendency to start sentences with, "So, I have a tendency…” Sometimes I go places, wander off, get lost, and find my way back without realizing I was lost in the first place. And then everyone's all, "where've you been?" and I'm all, "I dunno, over there somewhere." Sometimes I skip breakfast and regret it later.