Chef Mark Nery, who opened his popular breakfast spot Onefold in Denver, Colorado about a year ago, has been using the business-reply feature on Yelp — a site that collects crowdsourced reviews of local businesses — for a while now. But his latest rant might just be his best.

If you’re unfamiliar with Yelp, you should know that leaving one star out of five is rock bottom. It’s also kind of rude, unless the food literally made you hurl.

Nery was fed up after one customer’s particularly brutal review over the weekend, in which they blasted his almond croissant for having a “sopping-wet layer” and his congee for its “oily orange halo”. He decided to retaliate.

“Onefold seemed like a pleasant spot for breakfast on Monday but between the subpar food and subsequent vitriol from the owner it would be hard to fathom a worse overall experience than the one that was offered.

“Picking slowly at the good bits while one of two cooks ladled rice and accoutrements into a bowl, it was almost immediately on presentation that something seemed awry, the oily orange halo emitting an aroma that itself singed nostrils with the first bite confirming suspicions of overwhelming heat while a second proved more than enough, the bowl and a plate carried to the front with laptop, bag, cup and croissant left behind ...”

“Neither requesting nor expecting a refund, the croissant admittedly a disaster while the porridge was arguably a matter of taste, it was at the behest of the cashier that a replacement plate was offered and although several dining plans followed I accepted the generosity, two out of a trio of tacos texturally compelling enough to be enjoyed despite their mild flavour while the other was left behind along with the croissant’s sopping-wet layer.”

“Hey mike, sorry tldr (too long to read); most of it. You can review our restaurant but I can’t review your writing? You do write with a prose that reminds me of a high school valedictorian that try’s way too hard to sound intelligent. However that’s my opinion just like your opinion of our congee. To be fair I would like to review your visit as well, I won’t make it as long and boring as yours.

“Creepy guy walks in, creeps out workers and customers. Asked for Wi-Fi password ducked behind computer, other customer walked up complained that you may be watching PORN confronted you and verified told you to turn off, you tell me how important of a food critic you are and write a bad review after you demolished all of the food I gave you. Verified with other restaurant friends of mine how creepy you were on your visits to their establishments and how you requested special treatment because you are a “food critic”. Btw you were not watching normal porn, however I am sure the fbi will catch you soon. You creepy pervert.”

Nery followed up his response by sharing security camera footage to prove the whole pastry had indeed been eaten.

The Yelper then retaliated by updating his post, accusing the restaurant owner of being “unfathomably unprofessional” and calling the meal “perhaps my most hilariously bad dining experience of all time”. He chose not to address the porn accusation.

A quick glance at Onefold’s Yelp page, which Eater describes as “a battleground”, produces a number of brutal takedowns by Nery. One foolish customer who hated the coffee was told to head to Starbucks and stop “trashing local roasters in all your worthless Yelp reviews”. He even went so far as to post the infamous South Park episode where Yelp critics are secretly fed a few disgusting alternatives.

One woman who vowed she would not be recommending the restaurant to her friends visiting Denver was met with this response: “Not recommending this place to your friends is a purely hypothetical situation. First you will probably need friends then second you will have to be likeable enough for them to visit you in Denver. Hope we can survive without your theoretical friends visiting our establishment.”

But perhaps the best revenge the feisty Denver chef could ask for is that Onefold still has a four-and-a-half star overall rating.

Onefold: 1, Yelpers: 0.

Yelp food critics are treated to their own special meal in an episode of South Park.Source:Supplied