Spoof news stories from Thursday 28 January 2010

Prehistory's own champion, Captain caveman was found to be quite alive today. His cocaine overdose death was nothing but a rumour. Captain Caveman was working undercover, in a sense, for the authorities.
Captain Caveman, or Cavie to his closest fr...

Fans of popular tv chef duo, The Hairy Bikers (Dave Myers and Si King), are in disbelief today after it was announced that one of the bikers (Dave or Si, people have struggled to tell which is which) was diagnosed with the hair loss condition alopeci...

New York, NY-- An amazing astronomical spectacle is expected in the skies tomorrow night. The moon will be extremely close to the earth, only 1 mile away. The face of the moon should take up nearly 100% of the sky. It should be an incredible sight...

Since its founding in 1978, Lego City has suffered through a history of controversial expansion, interminable redevelopment and what most residents consider "pure chaos." Accusations of illicit gerrymandering -- executed through back door political...

A new study by Psychologists at the University of Jutland claims that having a break after learning something might help the brain to remember it.
Even a short rest might prove useful, the new research headed by Professor Jens Convolvulus suggests...

Yes, its officially Over! 1 Month in and there's more trouble at Eastlands.
After the disappointment of Wednesday night, Roberto Mancini has announced that "to compete with the World's big clubs, we need to bring in some new faces".
On hearing...

The West Midlands town of Scrubbington today became the first local authority to introduce a surcharge for cremating morbidly obese people in an attempt to offset some of the expenses it pays out to have such cremations executed.
The problem is th...

A council has banned a four hundred year old tradition after it claimed it was both offensive and obscene.
The annual Chipping Bassett Arse Sniffing Contest involved local men being blindfolded, kneeling next to the buttocks of willing volunteers...

Local man John Cavendish, 32, is an avid potholer who enjoys nothing more than spending a Sunday afternoon wandering about in caves, seeking darkened areas in which to have a piss.
But no more.
His wife Mary, 31, has banned him from sneaking of...

War Mongering politicians of the world got together today with the latest plan for Afghanistan give the people they have been calling insurgents and terrorists namely the Taliban millions and millions of pounds.
This must be one of the craziest pl...

With a brand new strategy to end the war in Afghanistan world leaders have decided that instead of fighting the Taliban they should pay them for their services (what?).
This grand idea was devised by the non-corrupt (cough, cough) President Karz...

An outbreak of the killer Boyle Virus, also known as the Suboylo Virus, has swept the world and left millions feeling dead bored and listless.
The virus was first created in a special laboratory by the evil Dr Cowell, who then released it into the...

Official papers just released have finally cleared up one of history's greatest mysteries. Why was Gandhi so passive? The answer: he was knackered because he used to jerk off over a hundred times a night. He was so tired he even wandered round in she...

Tesco, Britains largest supermarket, has had the cheek to ban all barefooted people wearing pyjamas, nightgowns, only their undies and sometimes, nothing.
A spokesman, Dame Mary Whitehouse Jnr. said:
"It is embarrassing for other customers when...

Mother Teresa, the prune faced nun with the heart of gold and the slightly right wing tendencies is not dead. Reports that she had died were a mistake. She was just asleep, but when you look like her it's difficult to tell sometimes.
Mo' T (as she...

Samuel Alito revealed today that he mouthed "Completely Not True" during the State of the Union address to publicize his new line of clothing for corporate whores.
"Formerly, judges were required to pretend to some sort of impartiality in public,"...

Things are not good for the little blue folks. First they lost nearly everything to Scrappy Doo, and then were forced to move to a single dwelling made for them by Habitat for Humanity. The lost one of their number, Farmer Smurf, to prison after it w...

A driver has been fined for scratching his arse whilst in a long line of traffic. Stig O'Grady of Wellingborough was at the wheel of his Ford Cockring when traffic built up near the ring road.
O'Grady sat for over an hour without moving. It was th...

Republicans Sat On their Hands at the State of the Union speech. Rudeness, ADD, Or Sexual Dysfunction? Experts Disagree.
For the first time in history, a panel of psychologists on cable TV analyzed the reaction of members of Congress to a State of...

Alex Ferguson manager of Manchester United has agreed to a friendly match between Manchester United and the amateur team Manchester Meerkats.
The manager of Manchester Meerkats Alexander Furguson is delighted that his team will have a chance to pl...

Susan Boyle, the oldest-looking 47-year-old woman in the world, has incurred the wrath of the local council this week for persistent noise pollution, and has been told that, unless she curbs her enthusiasm for singing, she faces eviction from the cou...

Wilma Flintstone released a statement today that she does not believe that alcohol played any part in her daughter's 27 car accident two days ago.
"Pebbles was going into false labour, and that can be really scary for a girl her age."
Pebbles,...

There were widespread celebrations in thousands of Jewish communities all over the world today, as Happy Holocaust Day passed off peacefully without major incident or mass exterminations.
Happy Holocaust Day marks the alleged events during World W...

Los Angeles - (Savage in Limbo): "It's just a lil ole tongue-in-cheek teaser," the former Hollywood brothelkeeper chuckled today, "shot by pals of Jay McInerney!"
Braun was talking to reporters following the release of Zaprudder-like footage of Se...

E Bay has banned the sale of a board game based on the popular British comedy 'Dad's Army'. The reason given was 'inciting racial hatred' because the box features several swastikas.
A 12 year old boy was asked to comment. "I think E bay is totally...

Making French-Canadian headlines followed by spill over to the world press, Alex Trebek, Long standing host of the popular Jeopardy game show, was banned from a five star restaurant in Montreal this week.
Patrons at the same restaurant claim that...

After weeks of being battered in the press for his tactics on reclaiming the late night time slot away from Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno agreed to do an in-depth interview on Oprah's couch early this week. The pre-recorded episode will feature Leno's lar...

Stockport Train Station has this morning announced a record number of ticket cancellations for journeys to London on Sunday 28th February, the number of tickets is believed to be in thousands. Astonishingly, all the tickets were purchased between 10.

President O'Bomba, under great pressure to turn the economy around and get 25 million unemployed workers back to work, made jobs a priority in his State of the Union Speech tonight.
In a Government Growth Initiative Extravaganza, O'Bomba created...

Gary Glitter is set to make a spectacular comeback into public life - by opening a children's nursery.
From his secluded mansion in the hilltops overlooking the town Glitter (real name Paul Madd) said "I stare out of my window looking at the chil...

NOGALES, Arizona - Senator John McCain's wife, Cindy and their daughter Meghan were in town visiting one of Mrs. McCain's seven mansions.
Mother and daughter had a great time enjoying the noon-time Mexican food buffet at Senor Pancho Villa's Mexic...

SOUTH HILLS, CHARLESTON, WV (ABSNN) -- Hollywood honey, Jennifer Garner, has decided to return to her high school alma mater, George Washington High School, in the cake eating section of Charleston, West Virginia, South Hills, and run for Home Coming...

HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Lindsay Lohan has recently had more ups and downs than an amusement park roller coaster. She has survived the harsh breakup of the love of her life Samantha Ronson.
She has accepted the fact that no movie studio wants her to star...

The Smurfs have not had an easy time of things lately. After Hefty Smurf was arrested and imprisoned for steroid abuse, the entire village fell victim to Scrappy Doo's pyramid scheme and lost everything. It looked like the whole village would end up...

Barney Rubble announced today in a press conference, that he is indeed homosexual and in a relationship with Melvin Sandstone. This news rocked Bedrock as if an earthquake had rumbled through town.
"I never knew," says longtime friend Fred Flintst...

Applications for reality TV gameshows has steadily increased over the last five years. There appears to be no end of hopefuls who seem to want their 'fifteen minutes of fame' as singers, dancers, actors, Big Brother housemates.
Recent genetic test...

Famous Chocolate Company Makes News Again - The designers are always hard at work thinking of new famous people to turn into chocolate delicacies and they think they have come up with "another winner", says the production manager.
It is understoo...

There's an old Haitian proverb: "Behind the mountains, there are mountains." Behind those mountains are smaller mountains. Behind those smaller mountains is an enclosure. And behind that enclosure is a tropical paradise rented out to a Caribbean crui...

A new item of legislation is to be passed under the existing 'Health and Safety at work' suite of laws.
Following several health studies undertaken between April 2007 and October 2009, it is evident that many office workers continue to experience...