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How do you know when its the right time to get a divorce?

I love my husband because of the history and children we have together, but I dont feel the love for him that a marriage needs to survive. We could stay together and I could be content as friends, but I am lacking the happiness i should feel. I am not going thru a mid-life crisis or anything. I am 47. Have tried for years to make it work. He shut down on me several years ago, but now with the prospect of losing me , he wants to try and make it work. My feelings however have changed and try as I may, I can't seem to get them back. The children (18 and 21) are angry at me for not trying harder. I see my life 5 years down the road when they are living their own lives and I dont like what I see. I dont think I should stay for the kids, but I have invested 25+ years with this man. I am torn between my own feelings of happiness and my feelings of commitment. He does not treat me bad. Any advice would be appreciated.

Live Your Life and You already know it's time to move on, I know your kids (adult kids) don't understand but have they been in love or in a long term relationship before? People change and you can only do sooooo much for soooo long and not see any progress. Maybe you're husband will change now that he know's he's about to lose you but you never know till you leave.

This is a tough one. When I was in HS I would have put money down that my parents would split when I left the house, but instead, my father retired and really became a different person without the stress of work. My mother says he is now the man she married all those years ago (I think they are celebrating 42 this year, maybe 43) rather than the man we grew up knowing. So things could change. BUT I am concerned that you are listening to your kids, they don't have to look down the long lonely path you could be faceing. If you have given it your all, and now that your done, NOW he wants to put effort into it, I think it would be too little too late.

Live your life. Do what is best for you. I'm 24 and I feel like that. We've been together for 7 and a half years and have two kids together. We've been through a lot. I'm not UNHAPPY with him. He's good to me, he loves me.
Nobody says you have to get divorced right away. You guys can separate for a while and see how it goes. Some states make you stay "separated" for a period before they will grant divorce anything. But if you're not sure, I'd say do the separated thing.
Your kids are hurt now but you can't do everything for them. They are practically grown now and you need to worry about yourself now. They will get over it. Eventually they will see that your happiness is (just as) important as theirs.

Answer by
Anonymous
at 7:57 PM on Sep. 20, 2009

I would think long and hard about throwing about 25 years of marriage because you don't have the tingly feeling anymore. You stayed together and got married for a reason start to focus on that. You might regret leaving after you can't take it back. But you're never going to regret staying with him when you have grand babies and they come over to grandma AND grandpa's house, you're never going to regret it when you still get to have christmas' together and go to your kid's weddings together. I say fight a little harder before you call it quits. He sounds like a good man for the most part and i would seriously take that into consideration. Devote a majority of your time to making it work and trying to get "it" back. If you still feel that you need to get divorced then you have to do what you have to do.

Answer by
Anonymous
at 9:41 PM on Sep. 20, 2009

First of all lets talk about your children they are adults now and they have to leave you some room to make na adult decision as they would want you tobut out. Secound to be fair to all parties invoved try counseling set a goal say 3-6 mnths. This way you know you have covered all your bases. I am in the same situation but my children are still small. Actually non of my children are his. He came into my life when my youngest was a baby I married him only because my babies love hm so much. But when could not be more differant that night and day. I dont feel love nor happiness. I am simply in this to make my children happy. Your still young believe I take care of 80 plus women all day before its to late find some way to get out so you can spend the next 47 years happy.

I'm Anon:57 - In regards to "won't regret it when grandbabies come visit grandma and grandpa" - you probably won't regret that but you may have a whole slew of other regrets. I don't think you should throw 25 years of marriage out over a tingly feeling - but I think I know how you feel.

I worry that I'm going to be 30 and finally realize that I really don't want to be with him. I hate that it might take me that long. THAT'S why I think a separation is good advice. It's not quite divorcing but it's getting some space. Having a minute to breath and figure out what YOU need to do. And if you both can figure it out and make it work, then stay together. If you can't and you realize you like being separated, get divorced.

Answer by
Anonymous
at 3:09 AM on Sep. 21, 2009

1-7 of 7 answers

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