The Real Reasons Men Shut Down

Chalk up throwing his pants on the floor, screaming at the quarterback like a bad pass is a personal insult, and never remembering to buy milk to the fact that he's a guy. What we can't understand is how to get him to talk when you most need him. So we asked real men and the experts to help us understand what's really going on inside when the lines of communication go radio silent.

His feelings matter, too

His feelings matter, too

"Our feelings are just as important as your feelings. We shut down if we don't feel like we matter or that your agenda is more important than ours." — Chris, 38, Rochester, NY

Get him to open up: "Feelings mean different things to each of the sexes. Guys often feel by doing, women by saying," says Dr. Pollack. "It's a matter of translating one language into the other. Try saying, 'I'm really sorry. I know that your feelings are important, but I'm not clear what they are. Can you help me understand?'"

Give it to him point-blank

Give it to him point-blank

"Sometimes my wife wants something, but skirts around the issue and uses subtle clues rather than being direct, and it leaves me in the dark about what she really wants. Then it turns into a conflict because she ends up not getting what she needs and I feel like I'm not doing anything right. I shut down when I feel like she's not being completely honest and to the point." — Joe, 42, San Francisco, CA

Get him to open up: Though you may be thinking, "Why are you so slow?! I made it pretty obvious," try actually saying, "Oh, I thought I was being direct. I wasn't trying to withhold stuff, I just didn't want to tell you what to do. Tell me where you felt like I didn't say things directly." Asking for concrete situations will help you make changes in your approach next time.