I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

I hope I didn't brain my damage.

I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that's a *really* useful invention! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Where was I?

Slow down, Bart! My legs don't know how to be as long as yours. Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There's a *New* Mexico? Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! I can't go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency.

Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns." Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! Jesus must be spinning in his grave! We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.

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Ahoy hoy?

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city! Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.

Look out, Itchy! He's Irish!

Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box… Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?

Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he's holding a gun. Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. I stand by my racial slur. And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. I stand by my racial slur. And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.