You can break a cycle of destructive behavior

Published 1:00 pm, Monday, April 16, 2012

The patriarchs — Abraham, Isaac and Jacob — were great men of God, and yet, had families we would call “dysfunctional” in today’s language.

At Sarah’s prompting, Abraham took her maid as a lover and bore a son from whom modern-day Arabs descended. Twice, Abraham claimed to be Sarah’s brother to protect his own skin.

Isaac and Rebekah each favored one son over the other with Rebekah helping Jacob steal his father’s blessing from Esau. Jacob’s future father-in-law switched his bride on his wedding night so that Jacob ended up with Leah instead of Rachel.

Jacob eventually had 12 sons by two wives and their two maids. That set into motion distrust and jealously among a dozen half-brothers. The situation was complicated by Jacob’s open show of favoritism toward Joseph and Benjamin, sons of his favorite wife.

The story doesn’t end with the patriarchs. Joseph openly favored his full brother over his half-brothers when they arrived in Egypt. He framed his half-brothers for theft before revealing his identity, a tactic that caused them great distress and fear. And, the story continues for generations.

Dysfunction does pass from generation to generation. I think that’s what God meant when he said, “I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me.” Exodus 20:5.

Even if our families are not as dysfunctional as those of the patriarchs, we all have patterns that pass through generations. If a parent doesn’t verbally express love, children grow up unable to verbalize their love. The same is true of abuse, alcoholism, bad eating habits and myriad other learned behaviors.

There is good news. Even though it’s not easy, people can break the cycle. Sometimes it’s so hard that counseling is needed. But the cycle can be broken. It is not inevitable that we must copy the unhealthy habits of our parents.

There’s also grace. Following the verse in which God says he punishes to the third and fourth generation, he also says that he shows “love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.” Exodus 20:6. If you break the cycle in your generation, you’re setting up a thousand future generations for God’s blessings.