LONG BLOG

So I started my own text adventure in IRC. I had no idea it would end like it did. Again, this is NSFW. Actually, this isn't really safe for anywhere.

[12:41] Shorty: You know what would be cool? IRC text adventure.
[12:42] Shorty: You are sitting at your computer. There is the smell of faeces in the air. Exits are to the north and east.
[12:43] Gandysampras: /eat feces
[12:44] Shorty: There is no 'feces' in the room.
[12:44] Gandysampras: East
[12:45] Shorty: You head east towards what seems to be a kitchen. The smell of faeces has disappeared. There is a knife on a table.
[12:46] CrocBox: /yell at woman to make sandwhich
[12:46] Shorty: There is no 'woman' in the room.
[12:46] CrocBox: bull shit
[12:46] Shorty: I do not know the command 'bull.'
[12:47] BunnyRabbit2: Penis penis penis
[12:47] Gandysampras: take knife
[12:47] Shorty: I do not know the command 'penis'.
[12:47] Shorty: Knife: Taken.
[12:48] Gandysampras: Inventory
[12:48] Shorty: You are holding:
[12:48] Shorty: A knife.
[12:48] Shorty: Some week old gum.
[12:49] Shorty: A scratched iPod Touch
[12:49] BunnyRabbit2: Should be able to
[12:49] Gandysampras: Look
[12:51] Shorty: You are standing in a kitchen. There is a table in the middle of the room. Exits are to the West and North.
[12:52] Gandysampras: look table
[12:52] Shorty: The table has some moldy fruit sitting on it.
[12:52] Gandysampras: take fruit
[[12:53] Shorty: Fruit: Taken.
[12:53] Gandysampras: north
[12:55] Shorty: You exit north. You are standing outside, in wet grass. In seems you may be stepping in dog faeces.
[12:55] Gandysampras: eat faeces
[12:56] Shorty: You eat the faeces. It takes like a mix between chicken and beef.
[12:56] Gandysampras: eat gum
[12:57] Shorty: You put the gum in your mouth. Suddenly, a dog runs out and startles you. You begin to choke on the gum.
[12:57] Gandysampras: masturbate furiously
[12:58] Shorty: As you flop out your 10", the dog mistakes it for a sausage. The dog jumps at you, trying to grab your wang in it's teeth.
[12:58] Shorty: You are still choking.
[12:58] scottyg: choke the dog
[12:59] Gandysampras: punch dog
[13:00] Shorty: You go to punch the dog in the face, but you start coughing. You cough the gum into the dog's open mouth, causing it to start choking.
[13:00] Gandysampras: YES
[13:00] Gandysampras: HEY
[13:00] Gandysampras: HE STOLE MY GUM
[13:00] Gandysampras: Take gum
[13:00] Shorty: You are still masturbating furiously.
[13:01] Shorty: As you are a sick fuck, this whole situation has made you extremely aroused. You jizz in the dog's eye and take back your gum.
[13:01] Gandysampras: Eat gum
[13:02] Shorty: You start chewing on the gum. Your penis is still flopped out.
[13:02] Gandysampras: wipe penis clean on dog
[13:02] scottyg: put away penis
[13:03] Shorty: You wipe your penis on the dog. As he has been blinded by the jizz, he runs into a wall and kills himself. You put away your penis.
[13:03] Gandysampras: look dog
[13:03] Shorty: Exits are to the north and south.
[13:03] Shorty: You examine the dog's corpse. Sadly, you can't see his insides.
[13:03] Gandysampras: open dog with knife
[13:04] Shorty: You use your expert knifesmanship to cut the dogs belly. His stomach opens up, spilling juices and acid onto the ground. There is a key in the dog's stomach.
[13:04] Gandysampras: take key
[13:04] Shorty: Key: Taken.
[13:05] scottyg: inventory
[13:05] Shorty: You are holding:
[13:05] Gemsi: !irc text adventures++ [13:05] Shorty: A knife.
[13:05] Shorty: A key.
[13:05] Shorty: An iPod Touch.
[13:06] Gandysampras: North
[13:06] Shorty: You walk north, down the driveway and into the street. There seems to be something in the mailbox.
[13:06] Gandysampras: open mailbox
[13:06] scottyg: pee in mailbox
[13:07] Shorty: A small letter falls out. You pee in the empty mailbox.
[13:07] Gandysampras: open letter
[13:07] Gandysampras: pee in envelope
[13:07] Shorty: It's one of those really hard to open envelopes. You can't open it with your bare hands.
[13:08] Gandysampras: open envelope with penis
[13:08] Shorty: Thus, you can not pee in the envelope.
[13:08] Gemsi: open envelope with knife
[13:08] Shorty: You flop your penis out again, but it can't seem to open the envelope. You seem to have rubbed a bit hard earlier and your penis begins to hurt.
[13:08] Shorty: You put it away.
[13:09] scottyg: Heh
[13:09] Shorty: You open the envelope with the knife.
[13:09] Shorty: It reads:
[13:09] Shorty: Dear Dtoid IRC:
[13:10] Shorty: You are invited to Dave's 6th birthday party!
[13:10] The_Young_Scot: Dave? I heard he was gonna have a bouncy castle!
[13:10] The_Young_Scot: YAY
[13:10] Shorty: It seems to be in the wrong mailbox. However, the thought of 6 year old girls turns you on.
[13:10] Shorty: Your penis begins to hurt again.
[13:10] Shorty: You sick fuck.
[13:10] Gandysampras: use fruit on penis
[13:11] scottyg: We have fruit?
[13:11] Gandysampras: yeah rotten fruit
[13:12] Shorty: You rub the moldy fruit on your penis. It seems to act as a lube, however, the fruit disintegrates into a wet paste. Your penis no longer hurts.
[13:12] Shorty: Exits are to the East and West. Dave's house is to the East.
[13:15] The_Young_Scot: ello dave
[13:15] Shorty: I do not understand 'daves'.
[13:15] Shorty: I do not understand 'ello'.
[13:15] Gandysampras: east
[13:16] Shorty: You travel down the road, heading east. As you walk, you see a young man fall off his bike.
[13:16] theGoldenAvatar: Kick young man
[13:16] Shorty: He seems to be badly hurt.
[13:16] Gandysampras: kick young man
[13:16] Shorty: You kick the young man in the head, his helmet absorbs most of the impact.
[13:16] Gandysampras: take helmet
[13:16] scottyg: use lubed penis on young man
[13:17] Shorty: You take the young man's helmet and unzip your fly. You put your penis on his face. He seems to be unconcious.
[13:17] Gandysampras: skullfuck young man
[13:17] scottyg: remove young man's pants
[13:18] Shorty: As you grab your penis, the young man wakes up. As he sees your penis on his face, he starts to scream.
[13:18] scottyg: slap young man in face with penis
[13:18] scottyg: repeatedly
[13:18] The_Young_Scot: absorb the young mans life force through your penis
[13:19] Shorty: You slap the young man with your penis, and after three slaps, he seems to be unconcious again. You lack the awesome super power to absorb someone's life force through your penis. Dave's house is further east.
[13:19] scottyg: Damn, powerful penis.
[13:19] scottyg: Mine usually takes at least 6 slaps.
[13:20] Gandysampras: look young man
[13:20] theGoldenAvatar: Drag man east
[13:21] Shorty: The young man seems to be dead. You drag his corpse east to Dave's house.
[13:22] scottyg: Death by penis? Damn...
[13:26] scottyg: Anyways... knock on Dave's door.
[13:27] Shorty: You knock on Dave's door and a young boy opens it. He is wearing a hat that says 'DAVE' on it.
[13:27] Gandysampras: Give dead young man to dave
[13:27] Gemsi: punch dave
[13:27] scottyg: take hat
[13:27] theGoldenAvatar: How can you be sure that's Dave?
[13:27] Gandysampras: Yell "Happy Birthday"
[13:27] theGoldenAvatar: Ask boy "are you Dave?"
[13:27] The_Young_Scot: I bet he's really a spy
[13:28] The_Young_Scot: you should set him on fire to be sure
[13:28] Gemsi: well then punch everyone you see, just to make sure
[13:29] Shorty: You give the corpse to Dave. "Oh, what a sweet present!" he says. You then punch him, take his hat, and ask him if he's Dave. He slowly nods, recovering from your punch. You yell into his ear "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" and he faints.
[13:29] Gandysampras: enter house
[13:29] Shorty: You walk into the house and see a bunch of 6 year old boys.
[13:29] Shorty: No girls.
[13:29] Gandysampras: close door behind you and lock it
[13:29] scottyg: :(
[13:29] Gemsi: smile
[13:29] Gandysampras: with key
[13:30] Shorty: You close the door and for some reason, the key fits. You lock it and smile strangely at the children.
[13:30] The_Young_Scot: dun dun duuun
[13:30] linuxguy: bbl guys
[13:30] Gandysampras: remove clothes
[13:31] Gandysampras: grasp knife
[13:31] scottyg: cut off penis
[13:31] Gandysampras: SCOTTY NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[13:31] The_Young_Scot: THIS IS GANDYS ADVENTURE
[13:31] The_Young_Scot: LET HIM LIVE!
[13:31] scottyg: Alright...
[13:31] scottyg: don't cut off penis
[13:31] Gandysampras: actually no no
[13:31] Gandysampras: cut it off
[13:31] Gandysampras: it was said
[13:31] scottyg: TOO LATE
[13:31] Shorty: You take off your clothes and grasp the knife. As you take the knife to your penis, you see a young girl. She is wearing a hat that says "DAVE'S SISTER"
[13:32] Gandysampras: cut off penis
[13:32] scottyg: don't cut off penis
[13:32] scottyg: NOOOO
[13:32] Gandysampras: fuck dave's sister with cut off penis
[13:32] Gemsi: shock twist !
[13:32] The_Young_Scot: you could give her the penis, she could grow up to be a herm!
[13:33] Shorty: You cut off your penis and jump on Dave's sister. Ignoring the blood gushing from your crotch, you pin her on the ground and put the penis in her vagina.
[13:33] Gandysampras: place hat over penis wound
[13:33] Shorty: You put the hat over the wound and strangely, it stops bleeding.
[13:34] Shorty: You are still chewing the gum.
[13:34] Gandysampras: Use gum as bandage
[13:34] Gandysampras: wear hat on head
[13:35] Shorty: You take the gum out of your mouth and quickly take the hat off the wound and put the gum into the hole where your penis was. You wear the hat, and suddenly the children think you're Dave.
[13:35] Gandysampras: Open presents
[13:36] Shorty: You open all of Dave's presents. You get some pretty awesome stuff like an RC Helicopter and some walkie-talkies.
[13:37] Gandysampras: fuck year helicopter
[13:37] Gandysampras: look
[13:37] Shorty: There are some shitty presents on the floor such as some marbles and some clothes. The RC helicopter and walkie-talkies are sitting on the floor.
[13:38] scottyg: fuck dave's sister with one walkie talkie
[13:38] scottyg: turn on other walkie talkie and listen to it.
[13:38] ProfPew: incest!
[13:38] theGoldenAvatar: This has gone to a weird place
[13:38] Gemsi: it was always in a weird place
[13:38] Shorty: Dave's sister is still in shock. She hasn't moved. You take the mutilated penis out of her and put a walkie-talkie in there.
[13:38] Gandysampras: scotty i love you
[13:39] theGoldenAvatar: Call police
[13:39] Shorty: You switch the other walkie-talke on and listen to a strange splooshing noise.
[13:39] ProfPew: insert a camera as well
[13:39] Shorty: You don't have a mobile phone or a camera.
[13:39] Gandysampras: take helicopter
[13:39] Shorty: You take the helicopter
[13:39] theGoldenAvatar: What, there has to be a phone in the house
[13:39] theGoldenAvatar: I want a hostage situation
[13:40] Gandysampras: take marbles
[13:40] ProfPew: turn on the helicopter, put the rotor against Dave's sister's clit
[13:40] Gemsi: take clothes [13:40] Shorty: Exits are to the north, south, and the door outside is west.
[13:40] scottyg: west
[13:40] *** Aurvantoid has joined #destructoid.
[13:40] Shorty: You take the marbles.
[13:40] Gandysampras: pelt dave's sister with marbles
[13:41] Shorty: You turn the helicopter on and put the rotor against Dave's sister's clit. She starts to scream. You then throw marbles at her head.
[13:41] ProfPew: is there any rope or string nearby to use the marbles on, in order to create anal beads?
[13:41] ProfPew: haha
[13:41] Gandysampras: kill everyone with knife and bathe in entrails
[13:42] ProfPew: take the walkie talkie out and say "that's a bit of a stretch"
[13:42] Shorty: You take your knife and kill all the disgusted 6 year old boys. Up to their last breaths, they still thought you were Dave.
[13:42] Gandysampras: inventory
[13:42] Shorty: You take the walkie-talkie out and have a blood orgy with dave's sister.
[13:43] Shorty: You are holding:
[13:43] Shorty: A hat (equipped)
[13:43] Shorty: Some gum (Where your penis was)
[13:43] Shorty: A knife
[13:43] Shorty: An iPod Touch
[13:43] Shorty: A penis
[13:44] Gandysampras: turn on ipod touch
[13:44] Shorty: You turn on the iPod Touch.
[13:44] Gandysampras: look ipod touch
[13:45] Shorty: The iPod touch seems to automatically connect to Dave's wireless connection.
[13:45] Shorty: You open up Safari.
[13:45] scottyg: Record video of blood orgy, then upload to Porntube.
[13:47] Shorty: You notice there is no camera in the iPod Touch. You really should've bought an iPhone.
[13:47] scottyg: facepalm
[13:48] Shorty: You slap your forehead.
[13:48] Gandysampras: go upstairs
[13:49] Shorty: You go upstairs and find who you are assuming to be Dave's parents having a root.
[13:50] scottyg: Having a root?
[13:50] Gandysampras: define root
[13:50] The_Young_Scot: shaggin
[13:51] Shorty: Sex. Dave's dad is repeatedly inserting his penis into Dave's mother's vagina.
[13:51] Gemsi: join in
[13:51] Gandysampras: Say "mommy"
[13:51] scottyg: bring dave's sister into room
[13:52] Shorty: You say "mommy" and Dave's mom, upon seeing your 'DAVE' hat, punches Dave's dad in the face and runs up to you.
[13:52] bloodylip: put penis in dave's dad's anus
[13:52] Shorty: You run downstairs and drag Dave's sister back up
[13:52] The_Young_Scot: carefully cut off dave's dad penis with a fly-by RC helicopter attack
[13:52] The_Young_Scot: dad's
[13:52] Shorty: As the mother watches in horror, you take the mutilated penis and put it in dave's dad's anus.
[13:53] bloodylip: best adventure game ever
[13:53] Shorty: You attach the knife to the RC helicopter and ram it into Dave's dad's penis. The penis falls to the floor and starts bleeding everywhere.
[13:53] Gandysampras: share gum with dave's dad
[13:54] Shorty: You take part of your gum and put it into Dave's dad's ex-penis.
[13:54] Shorty: His penis is still on the floor and the mother seems to be putting her tongue in dave's sister's vagina.
[13:54] theGoldenAvatar: Whoa
[13:54] scottyg: Wow. Didn't even need encouragement.
[13:54] Gandysampras: pick up penis
[13:54] theGoldenAvatar: This whas gone off the deep end
[13:54] Gandysampras: use gum to attacth to yourself
[13:54] Shorty: (I should totally write erotic novels)
[13:55] scottyg: Dave's got a fucked up family.
[13:55] Shorty: Penis: Taken.
[13:55] Gandysampras: attatch*
[13:55] Shorty: You put the penis where yours used to be.
[13:55] Shorty: You've added an extra 3".
[13:55] Gandysampras: fuck dave's mum
[13:55] scottyg: Ah
[13:55] scottyg: I was going to say.
[13:55] The_Young_Scot: make everyone orgasm, then leap up in a dramatic family pose and yell "The Aristocrats!"
[13:55] Shorty: You know have a 13" which you put in dave's mum's ass.
[13:56] Aurvantoid: On a much more tolerable note: Pew, ABC/Lost revealed that the statue is actually Tawaret. Fertility Goddess. The problem of the dying mothers-in-birth has been revealed. The plot thickens.
[13:56] Aurvantoid: dun dun dun
[13:56] Shorty: Dave's dad jizzes, but it can't get through the gum and his crotch area explodes.
[13:56] scottyg: Aurvantoid: fuck you... spoilers dickhead.
[13:57] Shorty: Dave's sister starts squirting into dave's mom's mouth, and dave's mom starts squirting on your penis
[13:57] bloodylip: Aurvantoid: pew's away
[13:57] Shorty: Suddenly you stand up and yell:
[13:57] Shorty: "THE ARISTOCRATS!"
[13:57] Gandysampras: Use ipod touch to research occult ceremonies
[13:57] scottyg: Yesh, at least when you ramble on about biblethumping there's no spoilers...
[13:58] Aurvantoid: Watch the show when it's on and it wont spoil it for you.
[13:58] The_Young_Scot: aurvantoid, watch the spoilers in the future please
[13:58] scottyg: Well then, time to bash on religion I guess. ^_^
[13:58] Aurvantoid: Besides, information found on the ABC website itself is hardly "spoilers".
[13:58] Shorty: You look on google for occult ceremonies. You find one that suits your current situation. You slit the throats of Dave's mom and dave's sister and put your penis in dave's moms throat cut while you burn a bible.
[13:59] The_Young_Scot: it is if you haven't seen lost, so we wouldn't exactly go on the ABC website
[13:59] scottyg: Shorty: <3
[13:59] Shorty: Suddenly, Jesus Christ appears next to you.
[13:59] scottyg: fuck jesus
[13:59] scottyg: in the butt
[13:59] Shorty: He looks a bit angry.
[13:59] Gandysampras: Fuck christ with cut off head of deve's sister
[13:59] scottyg: while fucking him in the butt
[13:59] Shorty: You cut off dave's sisters head and use it to fuck Jesus in the butt.
[13:59] Gandysampras: Insert penis into stigmata
[14:00] scottyg: take a dump on jesus' chest
[14:00] Shorty: You then insert your penis into Jesus' hands and dump on his chest.
[14:00] The_Young_Scot: ask Jesus to turn the other cheek, for deeper penetration [14:00] scottyg: The_Young_Scot: Nice.
[14:01] scottyg: Then repent everything you just did, because Christianity is stupid/awesome like that. ^_^
[14:01] Shorty: You tell Jesus to turn the other cheek and you put your penis further into his anus. The moldy fruit starts to rub off.
[14:01] Gandysampras: Use kniofe to skin jesus
[14:01] Gandysampras: knife*
[14:01] Gandysampras: Wear jesus' skin and fuck him
[14:02] Shorty: You use your knife to skin Jesus and make a suit out of his skin
[14:02] Shorty: You cut a hole in the crotch area of the suit and wear the suit
[14:02] *** Aurvantoid has signed off IRC (Quit: Aurvantoid has died of DRY VAG1NA).
[14:02] scottyg: Heh.
[14:02] Shorty: You proceed to fuck Jesus in the butt.
[14:02] scottyg: Well that made me feel better.
[14:02] Gandysampras: Yell " I AM THE SECOND CUMMING OF CHRIST!" as you climax
[14:02] Gandysampras: dammit
[14:02] Gandysampras: he left
[14:02] scottyg: Stupid twatwaffle... Some people have to download the show and watch it the next day...
[14:02] Gandysampras: that was my best line too
[14:02] The_Young_Scot: AND THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T SPOIL SHIT
[14:03] Shorty: As you are about to jizz, you scream "I AM THE SECOND CUMMIN OF CHRIST!"
[14:03] Shorty: Suddenly, Jesus falls apart in a gory mess on the floor
[14:03] Gandysampras: And on that note i think we just won
[14:03] scottyg: The_Young_Scot: CBlog this? :P
[14:03] Gemsi: !irc text adventures++ [14:03] scottyg: Well... maybe not.
[14:03] Shorty: Dave's dad is still sitting there with your mutilated penis in his butt, the front of his crotch still exploded.
[14:04] scottyg: save and quit irc text adventure
[14:04] Shorty: You save the game. Quitting to dos.
[14:04] Shorty: C:/>