-- Surviving. Living. Hoping. -- Recurrent Pregnancy Loss & Adoption

-- Surviving. Living. Hoping. -- Recurrent Pregnancy Loss & Adoption

Parenting Comments

So, I realize I’m new to this parenting thing. But, I have a bone to pick with some other parents – probably not a lot of the ones who read my blog though.

Even if you are being sarcastic or trying to be funny, please just don’t tell me:

to remember these days for when Baby MPB is 2 years old and I hate him.

I take issue with this statement, and I am not even going to hide it. Instead, I will respond with a very polite I’m excited to see my son grow up, it should be mostly fun.

First, I cannot imagine anything that could make me hate my son. I find it hard to believe that parents could hate their children. I know he wont be perfect, but my love for him will go beyond his his annoyances and his mistakes.

Second, yes, I imagine toddlers are a handful. I’m not going to pretend that parenting is always easy or fun. And, I realize you speak from experience, but to be honest, having a baby who is incredibly mobile at an incredibly young age is already giving me a bit of a taste for what we are in for. I suspect we will have a very active toddler. And, I suspect we’ll learn to live with this business and get really good at chasing him around.

Third, I’m excited to experience the toddle crazy. Just like I was excited to experience the first time I held my son or the first time we walked through the door to our home or the first time we went camping. I’m also excited to see first steps, for the first day of school and even for high school graduation.

I know this type of comment comes from a place of innocence. Those who have said some variant of it have not walked our path. They have not lost babies, they are not in debt from the small fortune it cost to become parents, nor have they stared childlessness in the face. Simply, they probably don’t realize just how much of a gift it is for us to be a parent after years of loss.

I plan to spend his lifetime revealing in every single first and celebrate the simple things.

I almost didn’t become a mom, and I simply cannot ignore that fact. And please on the bad days, if I ever loose sight of this fact, in 2, 5, 15 or 25 years, please remind me just how fortunate I am.

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34 Comments on “Parenting Comments”

So glad you did this post, things are said with innocence but telling people how you feel about this will make them think twice about saying it again. What I would do to experience all you have ahead of you with baby mpb.

I cannot believe someone used the hate word. I take offence to it. There are times when G makes me want to jump out of the window, times when I wish I could spank him , times when I am so exhaustes and he is throwing his 500th tantrum for the day, but hate never crosses my mind. I guess whoever said that just has poor language probably. I doubt anyone hates their kid.

This is the most perfect post. Should I ever be blessed enough to become a parent after years and years and years of infertility, then I swear that every little moment, even the challenging ones, will make me utterly, incredibly grateful.

I almost wrote a post about parenting comments yesterday, but honestly I was so wiped out that I just didn’t have it in me.
I completely appreciate people giving friendly advice and words of wisdom, but I feel that much of what people say, and the WAY THEY SAY IT, is so incredibly negative. Especially if they don’t know all of the struggles that we’ve gone through to have these miracles in our lives. People assume that just because we are first-time moms, that we have absolutely no clue what being a parent is about, and it’s both presumptuous and rude of them.
I posted something yesterday on Facebook at about 4am, saying that I don’t like the new trend of waking up at 3am and being wide awake for hours. Of course people went to town assuming I was awake because of the baby/pregnancy and making taunting comments about “oh this is just a taste of what life will be like” with little laughing emojis. I was not awake because of the baby…I’ve had trouble sleeping for years, but it comes in streaks thankfully, and unfortunately I’ve hit another sleepless streak. I also know full well that babies cause sleepless nights. Both because I’m not an idiot, and because I stayed with both my aunt and sister after my cousin and niece were born to help out, both of which had colic. But people just assume that because this is my first baby, that I have lived my life under a rock and know nothing of what babies bring.
I really, really wish that parents would try to be more supportive of each other, not pick on/taunt new parents. Maybe ask them questions before assuming they know nothing and throwing out advice or comments that may actually be offensive. If people would just think before they say things, I think the world as a whole would just be a better place.
Sorry this is so long, it just really touched a nerve, and I’m sorry people are saying dumb things to you as well.

Yes!!! I totally agree with everything you wrote. When you have to go through so much just to become a parent, I think it makes you appreciate every moment so much more, even the tough moments.
I had to go out on maternity leave early because I had an unruly student who threw furniture and tantrumed in my classroom all day. I felt physically unsafe around him because if something hit my stomach it would harm our baby. I met with his mother constantly and had her observe him in my classroom. My last week at work she made the comment, “Enjoy your life now because once that baby comes out you’re going to wish you could put it right back in.” I just walked away because I would have screamed at her about the baby we lost, the years of struggling to conceive again, the ungodly amount we owe to the fertility clinic on my teacher salary, and the daily threat to my unborn child’s safety because she chose not to parent. Long story short, there are too many of those flippant remarks that touch a nerve with parents that are truly doing their best and LOVE being parents!

Yes, this! It’s only harmful when other parents keep trying to “warn” you about future bumps in the world by saying how much you’ll hate it, or just you wait until…! Drives me nuts and totally disregards just how hard some of us have fought to have children. We already know it won’t be easy at times, because we’ve lived that. That’s life. We don’t need the reminder – we need support.
❤

Eh, some people are so negative. My twin sons are 4.5 years old, and there have been good things and challenging things about every age and stage. And I have never felt that I hated them, even when they were on my last nerve and I longed for their bedtime to come, LOL

Yep. I find this happens waaaay more often with fertile people than infertile ones. And by way more often I mean I have never once heard anything remotely like that come from the mouth of someone who struggled. It’s called perspective.

I am with you sister! My twins recently started walking and people always used to say ‘just wait til they walk you are going to wish they weren’t’ and that is a lie! I LOVE to walk them walk, and fall and get right back up and try again. It is amazing!! Just give a positive comment back to those negative nellies! They are just trying to make conversation! Those comments are coming from fertile mertyles who aren’t as appreciative! Hope i don’t get slack for that comment!

Ugh, I hate all variations of that sentiment. There are awesome things and not-so-awesome things about parenting at all stages. Sometimes I want to freeze time, but mostly I look forward to seeing how my daughter will grow and change. That’s the whole point of parenting, right?

I hate comments like these. They are hard to handle when they come from strangers/people who don’t know about my very long and sad road to becoming a mom but they are even worse when they come from people who know my story.

I am sure there will be days when I am loosing my mind but after the road I’ve been down I could never forget how lucky I am to be a mother at all.

Every stage of parenting is hard. All of them. Its always something. Right now we are dealing with some really serious issues with my almost nine year old stepson…..things that are so frustrating I cannot even explain….but I love him just as much as I always have and always will. Never, even in his worst moments, have I ever thought “I hate you right now” because he is a child and I married his dad and committed to love him and take care of him for his whole life. Right now being pregnant people keep saying “your life is just going to suck for a few years and then it will get better”. No its not going to suck. There are going to be some really difficult moments, but I wouldn’t wish them away for anything. As far as I am concerned they are going to go by way too quickly. I have already seen how fast my once 2 year old stepson suddenly turned into an almost 9 year old and it was literally in a blink of an eye. There is a way to acknowledge that parenting is hard without hating your children. I am totally with you on this one.

My friend- this perfectly highlights how the terrible world of Infertility/ RPL make us see the world with so much gratitude and perspective. It’s like it repays us for all that suffering. You won’t hear me complaining even when days feel long and battles are fought. Parenthood is a GIFT. End of story. Xoxo

As i read the end of this, I mostly was just overjoyed for you once again that you have a child. I’m so so happy for you it makes me feel really emotional. And yes, people should just keep parenting Comments to themselves!

The original comment you are reacting to here was badly expressed and I understand your thoughts. But the idea behind the words did remind of one of the seminal moments in my own parenting. I had never experienced rage in my life pre-kids. There was one moment with my approx. 2 year old daughter, though, when I realized I had to get a door between me and her and calm myself down because I wasn’t sure I had myself under control. It was a really humbling experience. And, somehow, a gift (a while after the fact.)

Hate is such a strong word…but I can understand the sentiment. It took us 4 years to get our boy and I felt exactly the way you write here. Now that my boy is almost 4 years old and has been whining about E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G and nothing, I have had my moments of wanting to toss him out the window*, strangle him or something just as horrible. But I didn’t. Those intense moments passed and we are all alive, happy and well.
*Years ago, my stepmom told an anecdote about a mom standing at a window, rocking her child as if to toss it through the window. The “bad” mom lets go, the “good” mom doesn’t. We all get near our breaking point sometimes.

What a lovely post. My 4 year old son is a handful at the best of times but I would never say I hate him . I still look at him like he was a newborn.
A lot of my family members moan about him, but you know what I say. If you cant take him for who he is then your not needed! He is only 4 years old!

For someone to say, “when you hate your kid later” is seriously, one of the worst things I ‘ve heard in a while. That’s just terrible. Can kids be a handful?!! If course! But to say that you would hate your child!?! That’s just…a lot! Callie and I have had conversations before where we say, “M was being such an a**h**e today!” but then we laugh it off, talk about how to handle the situation next time, and then correct the behavior next time. But to say that we HATE our child because they are doing things that are age and developmentally appropriate are just…dumb!

My oldest miracle baby is now almost 15 years old. I have loved watching him grow and now getting glimpses of the man he will become. It has not been all roses to be honest but even in the “terrible two’s” I enjoyed being able to see the world all over again through his fresh little eyes. You are blessed and you are wise to keep that knowledge fresh in your mind.

I really enjoyed this post. I have an (almost) 3 year old daughter and she is completely hilarious. A cute little pain in the ass sometimes, but I am sure she feels the same about me. I love her for that. though because it shows her passion, her zest for life and her independence (which I am totally taking credit for)! We all have our moments in parenting and we all try to be sarcastic and funny sometimes, but I could never type or speak the word “hate” when referring to my CHILD. Just no! One thing I have been trying to do is “conscious parenting”. I used to just freak out if my daughter was “having her moment” because this is my first spin around the block when it comes to being a parent but now I try to immediately think about how I am going to react and how it might upset her. Will she remember I acted this way towards her? Will it only infuse the situation and make it worse? Anyway, I know it’s a lot to think about at once and so quickly, but I am working on it. We are all hot messes. Thanks for this, girl!

Great post!!!! I don’t honestly know how anyone could say they hate their own children. I know my kids have irritated the snot out of me at times, as I am sure I have irritated them to no end, but at the end of the day we all love and respect each other (and I still get good night hugs from my boys even though they tower over me, and are 18 and 20 years old). They are my most favorite people in the whole wide world.

Wow… My wife and I nearly lost our second and can no longer conceive on our own. My eight is a handful at times, but I never use the word “hate” to him, nor cuss words. I have met a mother like that and I was appalled. Luckily her child is in better hands now. Back to my point, I will always cherish my eight-year-old boy and as for the baby, she is already a handful, but it puts a smile on my face.

I totally agree! I had a friend that would continually tell me that he “hates” his children. Although I know he loved his kids, when they were a bit too excited, or doing the sibling rivalry thing, this comment would always surface and to this day, I still don’t get how a parent could say that.

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