Chives hate me

I can't seem to grow chives. I know that they're basically a weed, and people say to grow them in pots so they don't take over the whole yard. But mine just won't grow. Every time I plant them, I end up with one skinny pale chive. It doesn't matter whether I plant them inside, outside, on the deck, in full sun, in partial sun, in the dark; they don't freakin' grow. I have all these weird dead pots all over the place with one wilted chive lying there.

I also suck at growing spearmint. Which, yes, is also a weed. I do fine growing catnip -- also a mint, but a less hardy one -- inside a house occupied by four cats. But spearmint won't even grow to the point that it has leaves on it.

I seem to be able to grow more difficult things just fine. I got a ton of giant delicious tomatoes this year while most people's didn't produce anything. Also cantaloupes, eggplants, tons of huge zucchinis, and a bunch of other herbs and veggies.

I plan to do some indoor growing of herbs and leafy greens during the winter, because they're so easy to grow and so expensive to buy (and at the store have usually have come from really far away, even in season wtf).