I don't have time to talk. These multiple intruders are breaking into my house, and I want to keep my cool so I can empty round after round into them as they pop into the room from windows, air ducts, and a hole in my floor. I just want to make it clear that I need an assault rifle with a high-capacity magazine. Each one of these thugs is impossibly-muscled and hopped up on some kind of powerful street drug. Probably that zombie bath salt stuff I've been hearing about.

Excuse me. I had to execute a somersault over the buffet, give my toddler the sippy cup he dropped, and then whirl around and line up two assailants so I could kill them with one shot. My jumpsuit is torn and sweaty - and I'm very well-endowed, so this thing's almost coming off. One of the attackers leered at me, but I was able to crush his Adam's apple with a martial arts hand strike and finish him off with my katana before wasting his entire crew in the front parlor. Damn, I just cleaned that floor. Oh well. It's hard being a mother and a woman in today's America. But this AR-15 helps me do it all. It's important to help women get what they need to protect themselves and their families.

You know what would work even better? One of those prosthetic machine gun legs the chick had in the Tarantino movie. That would be awesome. I think I have the figure to pull it off, too.

Or maybe a Harry Potter wand. I could use it to zap all these dudes at once.

Or maybe a pet Manticore on a chain. Congress needs to stop regulating the Manticores I need to make my children safe.

Even cooler would be if I could make people's heads explode just by thinking about it.

I mean, as long as I am a completely fictional character - a combination of male fantasy and useful approximation of feminism for conservatives. And of course you'd need one or two women to sign on to this nonsense for the speech on TV. The same way you need to find a woman to back an extremist anti-choice position using the language of choice. Have you noticed that conservatives talking about women's issues always sound like Steve Carell's 40 year-old virgin trying to describe how a breast feels?

And in the real world the AR-15 is indeed a "light," "accurate" weapon that handles easily for engaging many targets. And most importantly, as Gayle Trotter said, it's a "scary-looking" weapon. In the middle of Gayle Trotter's delirious posturing she actually described why it's the perfect weapon for a mentally ill person to use in their awful role-playing exercise where they walk into a school and kill someone else's child. And then kill many, many more. But everyone's hoping if I sound dramatic enough, you won't think about that.

It's hard to admit. Part of me is still trying to deny it. But it's true. Honestly, I can think about any single other person on this planet, and I just want to run around their ankles yipping at them happily and then lick their hands and nibble them with my cute little needle-sharp teeth. But somehow you are just not doing it for me.

Do you understand how bad this is? I am the most popular type of dog in the United States, because I'm never supposed to find a single thing wrong with people. Tens of thousands of years of breeding are working inside my adorable head trying to make me overlook your awfulness, so you can scratch my ear and give me a snausage. And then I just... I just look at that stupid, mean smirk on your face, and I want to take you down like prey, Discovery Channel-style. Really. Just watching you open your yap on Fox News makes me feel like a failure.

Is it because of those hideous things you've said about Muslims? Or the way you made fun of those 9/11 widows? Or... God, I don't want to do the list. Everyone already knows the list. Here's the latest. You wrote it in a paint-by-numbers piece against gun control:

Expect to hear a lot about Republicans preferring "the gun lobby" to "children." (Which is evidently not at all like preferring the teachers lobby to children.)

On their website the Family Research Council recently posted an article about how they're marking the 40th anniversary of Roe v. Wade with the headline "Life Begins At 40." I glanced at the piece:

For four decades, families have traveled over miles of wintry highways in the hope that their trips to Washington, D.C. will someday end--and with it, one of the darkest periods of... Okay, yeah, whatever, crazy people with the carnage posters. But your message here is not getting across. Because "Life Begins At 40" doesn't sound like a slogan. It sounds like a really serious policy change. It sounds like instead of trying to meet the feminists of America halfway, you've just leapfrogged over them and run straight into some morally dark territory. I was thinking it was maybe some intern's error. Someone will catch it. And then the president of the FRC, Tony Perkins, tweeted it. Then I had to reply.

"Killing a 39 year-old is still homicide in my book," I tweeted at him. He hasn't gotten back yet.

(Today's post is guest-written by Steve, a rat who was partially eaten by Republican operative G. Gordon Liddy many years ago. He hobbled up from my crawlspace on his crutches with a message. I didn't argue.)

You thought I was dead, didn't you? Yeah, well... let's just say that Liddy isn't the toughest bastard who ever worked for Nixon. I'll settle things with him soon enough. But as you can probably guess I'm not a fan of the GOP. I came out of the shadows - literally, the shadows - to help you people see the bigger picture about their vote-rigging plan, and maybe stop it. As you remember, Sen. Charles Carrico sponsored a bill that would change how Virginia awarded its electoral votes - it would suppress the power of people in urban areas. The guy who writes this blog pointed out that it would have counted each Obama voter as 3/5 of a person, which sounds pretty ugly. Anyway, the bill's dying: Gov. McDonnell came out against it, because he's such a wonderful moderate, and other Republicans are scampering away like, well... I'm looking for a simile here. So it was just a fluke, right? Not on your life.

Here's what you need to know:

Carrico's top donor since 2009 has been Bob McDonnell's PAC, Opportunity Virginia. McDonnell can distance himself in public, but the money tells the real story.
Two more donors in Carrico's top five are major coal companies: Alpha Natural Resources and Consol Energy.
Consol Energy is also Opportunity Virginia PAC's top donor. It gave McDonnell's group $332,000 (and Alpha paid $50,000 to his 2010 inaugural committee).
Consol Energy is a link between Carrico and McDonnell, but it's also a link to the Pennsylvania vote-rigging scheme.

Gov. Tom Corbett backed a plan to change the electoral rules in Pennsylvania in 2011, remember? Consol donated more than $40,000 to Corbett, according to this site by Common Cause Pennsylvania. And the numbers get bigger and harder to trace.

But then you come out with this new bill to change the way we count votes in the state. It ruins everything. It makes me wish I could just get swallowed by a sinkhole.

Did you know I was the birthplace of William Henry Harrison?

This plan counts the votes of Obama supporters, or Democrats, or "urban people" - Have I used the right code words here? Do we know who we're talking about? - less than other Virginians.

But you need to do the actual math. No one on your side - at least I hope no one on your side - has crunched the numbers. Last election, Barack Obama won 51.16% of the vote. Under the new bill he would have won four of the states 13 electoral votes.

And do you know how much it counts an Obama voter as? (It's 4/13 divided by 51.16%. I'll wait. Do it. Get a calculator. You'll crap yourself.)

IT IS ALMOST EXACTLY THREE FIFTHS.

This bill counts an Obama voter as 3/5 of a person. I don't know if that fraction rings a bell with you. It was kind of a big deal, way back when. Women in fancy dresses, guys in gray - a lot of gray was in style. Is the light coming on now?

I'll be blunt. We like you. Your last interview really impressed us, and we think you're the most promising candidate for the job. Your skills seem like a perfect fit for us. I just have one question: What do you think about your future here? Where do you see yourself in, say, five years... after we've destroyed your spirit and sucked the life out of you?

Moving up in the company isn't just about having a title and an office. It's about challenging yourself. We want to know what you hope to accomplish here at the firm. Especially after you've sacrificed every personal goal and betrayed those you love so you could work 80-hour weeks. Once you've done all that and become some kind of dead-eyed husk of a human being, what kinds of projects will you want to tackle?

Tell us what kind of person you hope to become during your time here. After you've gained 30 lbs. from sitting in a cubicle all day and eating rancid takeout while you type meaningless characters onto a screen until your eyes feel like they're on fire... How do you think this process will turn you into a better version of yourself?

And are you willing to be part of the big picture here? Can you synchronize your goals with the team's goals? Say we dangle a promotion in front of you to make you work extra hard during a tough quarter - maybe you miss visiting your kid in the hospital during a serious illness, and your wife has an affair and you don't even notice, because you're so absolutely cold and paralyzed inside. And then after that quarter passes, we just hire some new guy to take the spot we promised you, and he's about five years out of college? Could you handle those obstacles? Could you adapt and grow as an employee?

You're a Twilight fan, aren't you? I can tell. Yeah, it's a pretty great series. Don't tell me how Breaking Dawn ends! Ha. You probably like all the great vampire books, don't you? I bet you started with Anne Rice and just fell in love. Am I right? That's why I'm sure you're going to go absolutely crazy about this multi-level marketing program.

Vampires are all about love and dark passion and tragedy and betrayal. Especially betrayal. The idea that this insatiable hunger makes you feed off the lives of those closest to you... bringing them into your own dark world forever... I get chills, just thinking about it! It's the same way with KRII Energy Drinks. I mean, once you buy the $1,000 starter package, and you realize that to break even you have to convince 200 people to each pay $25 for what is essentially a bottle of fruit juice, you will know what it's like to inhabit a twilit world of hopeless longing. And the only way out? You must convince people who love and trust you to make the same terrible decision, and join you in the shadows.

I'm Gretchen Carlson. Every morning at exactly 6:45 am, I blink "Help Me" in Morse code five times in a row while on the air. Three minutes after I'm finished Steve Doocy does the same thing. Then we repeat it. We don't let Brian try, because it's difficult for him to remember complex patterns. But he's trapped here with us. If this message got out, if you can read this, please know that we are not willing participants in the Fox and Friends program. Armed guards are just off camera forcing us to go through the motions of hosting a morning TV news show. And there are others in the same predicament. The entire network is part of elaborate and sadistic game.

As I was planning to leave CBS more than a dozen years ago I received an email with an intriguing job offer. Journalism is a difficult profession, and there weren't many options. I arrived at a vacant-looking warehouse in Queens, NY, where I was restrained and placed into a basement prison with a dozen other professionals from television and print media. They were filthy, scared, desperate people, and over the next several days I watched most of them die in a series of gruesome "survival challenges" involving firearms, power tools, diabolical machinery, and explosive traps. Throughout it all, we were directed by a hidden voice with an unnerving Australian accent.

Steve, Brian and I are the only ones who remain. But our nightmare never ended. This program is a continuation of what happened to us down there in that death-maze. Every show is a subtle form of psychological torture. Sitting on this couch chatting inanely, reciting Republican talking points and pretending we just came up with them... interviewing Donald Trump, for chrissakes -- why isn't it obvious to you people that someone is just doing this to strip away our dignity? Please help me. Help all of us. Stop this.

That's it. Obama took office, and the new Congress has been settling in for a couple weeks now. All those batcrap pro-life geezers like Todd Akin are probably still making scary rape comments, but they're doing it in their own paneled rec rooms. Newt Gingrich is trolling the talk shows where no one listens to him. Herman Cain and Rick Perry are like Amelia Earhart, only people actually looked for her. And Santorum's writing for a website. A website, do you know how pathetic and irrelevant that is?

But Michele's still here. And don't worry children, because Michele will pick up that slack.

I'm a professional. You know this about me. And when my people need me I am ready to provide. And right now, it looks like what we need is extra crazy.

You think we're going to have a shortfall of delicious, beautiful insanity this year? No my friends. I will crank out enough for everyone to share. I've got this.

You have no idea what I'm capable of. Over the next few weeks I'm going to demonstrate an Olympic level of ignorance and paranoia and white lady nervous tics. I will roll out my lunatic ideas with the speed and muscularity of a Michael Phelps. It's going to be like the first time you watched Jordan dominate a court. You will not be able to turn off your screen, because you might miss something. Seriously. I go back to Washington in the best shape of my career. I just want to show you how far a rightwing freak can really take this. When I play, you're going to see the love and the purity in my game.

Going Joe McCarthy on Arab-Americans? I was warming up. Now we're going to talk about how the Amish secretly run MS-13.

Gay people can be cured with prayer? Fine, sure. But next I'm going to start saying you can treat liver failure by walking it off. I'm going to put a bill out there to study it and make you jagoffs fight me.

Look, it's time to grow up. I know you want to get an AR-15 without a background check, plus a huge magazine so you can stop government bad guys and be a Wolverine. You've been asking for months. But those things are dangerous. You'll shoot your eye out, kid!

You're not really defending your freedoms. No serious adult thinks that. The United States has the largest, most powerful military in the entire history of the world. And it is led by a group of people who live in fear of bad poll numbers. Do you understand this? Do you see how your militia group does not even begin to pose the kind of threat to the political structure that a guy with a camera or a website or a couple of incriminating documents does? I mean, it's fun to pretend at war, but it doesn't do any good, and people are getting hurt. You will really shoot your eye out. I mean it.

Have you looked at statistics from the CDC? Homicide by firearm and suicide by firearm are each in the top five causes of death for 2010. And in 2006 and 2007, they were each in the top five causes of injury death. We'd know more, but the NRA has been trying to suppress research into gun injuries and fatalities for years. Just like they have been fighting to prevent the ATF from computerizing gun records and making the FBI destroy information on background checks after 24 hours. They won't even let the ATF make dealers keep an inventory of what they sell. Those dudes want to keep you from knowing how unsafe guns are. But it's clear that fighting tyranny with Charlene at your side is much, much less likely than plain old shooting your eye out.