Trump finally sets out demands to negotiators

by articulatedsheep

After a tense standoff that has last more than a year, Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has finally contacted police negotiators with a list of demands.

“People have asked me, ‘Is your penis really this long?’ – to which I say, ‘Yes. Yes, sir, it is. It’s my penis. The only penis I know. A true, brave, American penis.’ So to those who’d make jokes about my penis, I say this to you – you are making jokes about America. You are making fun of America. And that isn’t so far away from what the terrorists are doing, right now, on our streets and in our grade schools, poisoning the minds of our children. And in a very real sense – and I believe this very strongly – the children are our future. And that is why all those who make jokes about my penis are terrorists, child abusers and time criminals under the terms of the Temporal Ordinances. Does that answer your question?”

Trump is understood to be using the risk of his becoming leader of the free world as a bargaining chip to extract a variety of concessions from law enforcement agencies, in return for withdrawing from the Republican nomination race and leaving hapless opponent Ted Cruz unharmed.

Authorities are reported to be “relieved” that Trump has finally shown his hand, after many months of speculation about his motives, amid the imminent risk to innocent bystanders in the GOP.

“All we can say is – thank God we finally know what it is that he wants.” said one FBI source on condition of anonymity. “Now we’ve got that, we’ve something to negotiate about. We’re confident that the end is in sight.”

“At first we thought that this was just common-or-garden supervillainy, and that he was going to detonate a bomb in Fort Knox to make all our gold reserves radioactive, or set explosives to detonate to cause a catastrophic rupture in the San Andreas fault that would inundate much of coastal California. You know, the usual. But as the months went passed, it became clear he was actually intending to run for President, and from that point on it was obvious that we were in uncharted territory.”

Officials have been tight-lipped about what they will cede to Trump, both for fear of impacting upon the delicate negotiation now under way, as well as to dissuade potential copycats. However, TMB understands that his demands include an aircraft carrier, five of the less important states, and Puerto Rico.

But police and federal agents recognise that, in the interim, the stakes will get higher. Only this week, Trump has augmented his campaign by releasing a sex tape – shot from the point of view of his partner in pin-sharp HD quality, letting viewers see his pasty, snow-white torso judder as it bears down on them, his forehead sheer with sweat, as he shouts “Trump! TRUMP! TRUMP 2016!!” at the point of orgasm. Media experts have warned the public that the video “cannot be unseen”.

Trump was reported last night to have told a packed rally full of dumb hicks, “It’s great, just really so great. We love all these people. What we’ve really got to do is make it so that this country can be so, so great again. We can do it, I know we can. It’s going to be fantastic, really fantastic.”