Tag Archives: the five

Fox News’s The Five had a little memory problem Monday, accusing the Department of Homeland Security of completely imagining that rightwing extremists pose any threat to U.S. Americans, because as we all know, the only real terrorists are the Islamic ones. Most of the panel dismissed the DHS’s recent report on the threat from “Sovereign Citizens” and other far-right groups as a pathetic attempt to avoid offending Muslims by pretending that anyone else does terrorism in U.S. America.
Read more on Fox News Can’t Remember Any Rightwing Terror Attacks. We’re Here To Help…

Following Stephen Colbert’s big finale on the Colbert Report, the thought leaderers of Fox’s The Five shared their thoughts on Colbert’s sendoff. Dana Perino and Kimberly Guilfoyle thought it would have been a nice touch if Bill O’Reilly had been included in the big sing-along, apparently unaware that Colbert had said earlier in his final week that “no one’s going to pay me to watch [O’Reilly] anymore, so fuck that noise!”
Read more on Fox News Thinker Greg Gutfeld: Stephen Colbert Would Be Nothing Without Us (And Our F**kups)…

Fox News hostroid Kimberly Guilfoyle said Tuesday that America would be a far better place if young women would just please stay home and go do their Twittergrams and Tindermatches instead of cluttering up our elections with all their stupidness. She urged the frivolous young things to avoid voting in this year’s midterms and to only return to the polls when they have the maturity to vote like a respectable married lady, preferably one with a good Republican cloth coat and a little dog named Checkers.
Read more on Fox News: Young Women Should Go Find Sexxytimes Online And Leave Democracy To Grownups…

Yesterday on Fox’s The Five, Kimberly Guilfoyle gave a shout-out to Major Mariam Al Mansouri, the first female fighter pilot in the United Arab Emirates. Mansouri led her country’s contingent of military pilots that participated in bombing ISIS in Syria earlier this week. Yr Wonkette is not going to cheer on anyone for dropping yet more bombs on more brown people, even if they are fanatical nutbars. Still, we suppose in the context of Middle Eastern countries, where women are sometimes not allowed to so much as drive or even leave the house unless accompanied by a male, this represents a twisted step in the direction of equality. So sure, Kimberly Guilfoyle, go ahead and girl-power away, and let’s hope that none of your troglodytic male co-hosts step on the moment by saying something sexist.
Read more on Ladies Flying Planes And Other Tales Of Terror…

Good Lord, the adult diaper budget for the on-air personalities at Fox News must dwarf the GDP of your average mid-sized nation. Maybe Fox is even a front group for Depends the way the NRA is a front for gun manufacturers. Or maybe we just need a rational explanation for this insane clip of Greg Gutfeld and Kimberly Guilfoyle shrieking in terror over a supposed plague of Muslim terrorists with Western passports like ether-addled monkeys in a product-testing lab. The amounts of side-eye these two must shoot at every falafel cart vendor in New York could probably run the city’s power grid for a hundred years, or until the caliphate is established, whichever comes first.
Read more on Fox News Demands Putin Replace Pansy Dictator Obama, But Just For A Sexy Hot Minute…

It was a sad day across the Fox News Channel yesterday as the re-emergence of Monica Lewinsky and her coming essay about her long-ago affair with Bill Clinton knocked the BENGHAAAZI!!!11!! “scandal” out of the headlines, forcing the leprous sacks of skin that anchor Fox’s shows to talk about something else for five minutes. And because it is Fox, there had to be a conspiracy theory angle in there somewhere.
For example, the hosts of The Five decided to flex their superior intellectual muscles on the question of why now, after all these years, has Monica decided to break her silence. Andrea Tantaros noted that there were lots of conspiracy theories out there (by “out there” she presumably meant in the Fox newsroom) and then asked Eric Bolling for his opinion. Read more on Fox News Has Exciting New Vanity Fair/Hillary Clinton/Monica Lewinsky Conspiracy Theory!…

We weren’t planning to do anything on Ariel Castro’s suicide, because really, “horrible person kills self” is just not brimming with comedic possibilities. And then along comes Eric Bolling on Fox’s The Five with this brilliant observation: hey, by committing suicide, Castro saved the Ohio prison system a whole bunch of money, so let’s look at how much money we could save if everyone in Gitmo killed themselves! He’s got a whiteboard and consulted actuarial tables and everything, so you know it’s a serious idea. Read more on Fox’s Eric Bolling Has Innovative Idea: Save Money By Encouraging Prison Suicides…

Well, here is something totally unexpected: the moron quintet at Fox, The Five, is pretty sure thar be terrorists, or at least terrorist sympathizers, in Congress. And no, they’re not talking about Rep. Peter King, who is a bona fide terrorist sympathizer — but only for the white kind so it’s okay somehow, but shhh, let’s not talk about it, move along.
Nope, Eric Bolling is on to Rep. Keith Ellison, who is a Democrat AND a Muslim, so, ipso facto and supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, you know, wink wink:
He’s also very dangerous. He’s kind of been like the Muslim apologist in Congress for a long time. He swore — he raised his right hand and took the oath of office on the Quran, if you remember, in 2007, Keith Ellison did. I think it’s time for profiling.
Read more on Fox Wingnuts Still Terrified of Scary ‘Very Dangerous’ Muslim in Congress Who Probably Hates America Because Muslim…

Greetings, rabble! Welcome to this week’s sad, sad roundup of stupid gun stuff. It is only our fifth entry in this series and already every week feels like an interminable slog through the most depressing and ridiculous and rage-inducing gun-related precincts of the American id. Just this week yr Wonkette brought you these shit-covered piles of shit in Indiana, the irresponsibility of this Mensa-level genius in Utah, and the waste of life-sustaining resources that is Dana Loesch. And that was just since Friday! How much more could we have left in us?
Quite a bit, as it turns out! Read more on Jim Carrey Trolls Fox Angerbears, and Other News From The World Of Guns…

The lack of internet access on planes used to provide people a bit of a forced break from being constantly connected to the miasma of awful penetrating our daily lives. However since Wifi access became a more or less standard feature on long flights, many people have decided to take advantage of this contained period of time to catch up on work or answer emails. Others, including failed titty magazine impresario and middle-aged youth expert Greg Gutfeld, apparently like to use this opportunity to spend five hours on a one-sided tweet rampage for no particular reason.
Read more on Fox’s Greg Gutfeld Live Tweets His Own Cross-Country Nervous Breakdown…

We don’t know how Eric Bolling, of Fox braintrust “The Five,” managed to talk about liberal indoctrination with math without even bothering to note that algebra was invented by A-RABS and is a Mooslem plot. But at least he is on the case of the Marxists at Scholastic teaching the distributive property with a worksheet about distributing the wealth. GO SCHOLASTIC! Read more on Fox’s ‘The Five': Algebra Is Liberal Terrorism…

No, really, we’re asking. Because har har har women are catty bitches and The View and hortle flork manphlegm FEEL MY JIZZ is not funny — and not just because we are a humorless feminist! It is creepy and scary, and you can see even Dana Perino and the Brown-Haired One want as far away from him and his “Go ahead and then I’ll respond to your GARBAGE” as possible, no matter how much of Fox’s lovely money they are being paid. The real question is how long before they and Gretchen Carlson get together and do a 9 to 5 on him and the Rapey One, Dolly Parton-styley?
Read more on What Is Wrong With Greg Gutfeld?…

In the wake of that football player shooting his girlfriend and also an entire human history of widespread violence against women,Fox’s Dana Perino has an innovative solution to end the abuse! Did you know that probably a majority of the time, women who are beaten consciously make a decision to be with the right nut at the right time in the right Applebee’s parking lot? Read more on Fox’s Dana Perino Knows How to Reduce Domestic Violence…

Here is Andrea Tantaros, one of the however-many hosts of Fox News’ The Five, showing a chart of the historically horrid unemployment rates for the 18-24 year old demographic and proceeding to make one of those savvy counterintuitive arguments that earn her the big bucks: “I’ve argued once that maybe the economic downturn was the best thing to happen to them because then they weren’t… so… everybody gets a trophy; maybe they had to go back home and work at the Quizno’s and the Blockbuster and learn the value of a dollar.” Read more on In Which A Fox News Host Argues That Crushing Youth Unemployment Is ‘The Best Thing to Happen to Them’…

Did you hear that California — the Golden Dream by the Sea — is having a wee little problem with its economy? What happened was a million years ago some proto-Grover Norquists made it impossible to ever raise taxes in the state, both by requiring a two-thirds supermajority in the Lege and by mandating that property taxes could never go up ever. Then, on top of that, Arnold Schwarzenegger took a ballpeen hammer to a car to symbolize SMASHing the Vehicle License Fee, and whoops! The very next year, California was in the red by … the exact same amount it had foregone in Vehicle License Fees! But everybody got $134 back to go spend at Wal-Mart, so good trade! This has been a problem for California, because it is no longer able to pay for things like world-class educational systems that used to draw people to it, but obviously, all current and historic budget shortfalls are Jerry Brown’s fault because he used to be a hippie, and did you know also Al Gore invented the Internet? Haw haw haw.
Anyhoo, now Jerry Brown has announced additional cuts to education and services (he has been pretty Austere already) and also plumped for an infinitesimal rise in the sales tax, and three percent more in income taxes for Facebook founders. How did he do this? In a YOUTUBE. And that makes him just like Evita Peron. Don’t cry for him, Sacramento, etc.
Here is Dana Perino, blahing about it on Fox News: Read more on Fox’s Dana Perino: California Gov. Jerry Brown Is A Dictator Because He Made A Youtube…