With the season drawing to a close and most teams
either in the stretch run or tank mode, the NHL is beginning to look forward to
the best hockey of the year: the playoffs! However, before that can start,
there still needs to be a resolution to the 6 month long saga that is the
regular season. Like most good stories, Pacific Division teams have all had
their share of ups and downs, with too many plot twists to keep track of. So,
why not imagine what role these squads would play in a good old fashion
spaghetti western; after all - to steal from Seth MacFarlane - 'there are a
million ways to die in the West'.

#1 - San Jose Sharks
(Outlaws)

The peaceful citizens of the sleepy little Pacific
Division were comfortably watching the games roll by, with nary a care in their
heads as it seemed to a be a foregone conclusion that the Ducks of Anaheim
would rule the land unchallenged. Then suddenly a storm rolled into town with
gunfire and smoke, and when it all cleared there stood a gang of outlaws
announcing that this was THEIR division now. Led by Jumbo Joe, these gang of
troublemakers have been laying waste to everything in their way, peeling off a
7-1-2 record in their last 10, while lifting their goal differential to 4th
best in the league. With rumours flying that the Czech Kid is ready to bust out
of the infirmary and rejoin the posse, things only look to get wilder in the
Pacific.

Last Ranking: 2

#2 - Anaheim Ducks (The
Law)

Like the sleepy lawmen who get too complacent, the Anaheim
Ducks never thought this would happen to them. Sure they hit a rough patch
going 4-4-2, but that didn't mean anything, did it? Then, suddenly those
outlaws storm into town, claim the place, and the Ducks are left trying to
figure out what happened. Once they get their heads around it though, Anaheim
is sure to saddle up and hit the trail hard, with vengeance on their minds. And
make no mistake, these lawmen aren't no Barney Fife types either! Led my
Marshall Getzlaf, with Deputy Perry riding shotgun, they are more than capable
of calling down hell on their prey; if they can catch them!

Last
Ranking: 1

#3 - Los Angeles Kings (Mysterious Gambler in the
Saloon)

With a hat pulled down low, and a long black trench coat,
the Gambler sits in the back corner so he can keep his eyes on what is going on
in front of him. But how dangerous is this man? And what is his game? No better
description could be found for the Kings, who are nearly entrenched in the 3rd
slot of the Pacific division with little chance to move up. That means they can
afford to be patient for now, and get ready to strike when they think the
moment is right. The question remains though: is this stranger the deadly
gunslinger that terrorized people 2 year ago, or a nobody hiding from that
harsh reality?

Last Ranking: 3

#4 - Phoenix Coyotes (Town
Priest)

'Hard work, perseverance, and honest efforts' - a good
Christina creed to live by, and the mantra of the Coyotes under Coach Dave
Tippet. Yet, like a clergyman trying to bring religion to the Wild West, this
often leaves Phoenix woefully underpowered when a fight breaks out (as their -5
differential indicates). Still, the good work must go on, and that means
continuing to beat the same drum in hopes that compete level alone will make a
difference; even as the rest of the locals begin to grab their guns or look for
cover. With the playoffs looming in front of them, the Coyotes find themselves
trapped in the middle of an increasingly hostile and violent shootout between
teams packing firepower Phoenix can only dream about. Predictably, the result
will probably not be pretty, but then again will anyone even notice when they
go down? Such is the sad fate of supporting characters.

Last Ranking:
6

#5 - Calgary Flames (Hardworking Homesteaders)

A life
on the soil, raising a good crop and a family. The hardworking homesteader is a
staple of any good western movie - as is the inevitable moment when their
property gets blown to pieces either during a gunfight, or by a deliberate act
of devastation. While the Flames don't have to worry about anyone destroying
the Saddledome, their continued insistence on giving a solid effort means they
raise the ire of teams that would simply like to roll in, collect their points,
and move on. Some might call Calgary heroic for this, but all too often it ends
up looking stupid; especially for a team the needs to solidify a Top 5 draft
position. Still, on some level it's hard to hate the Flames for trying, in the
midst of a hostile and unforgiving division.

Last Ranking: 4

#6 - Vancouver Canucks (Town Drunk)

Stumbling blindly through the streets, muttering to themselves about their
glory days, the Vancouver Canucks have officially become the sad spectacle of
the Pacific. If you listen closely enough you can still hear fans arguing that
this squad was one game away from the Stanley Cup; a fact that grows less and
less relevant with each passing game. The mismanagement of Luongo, injuries,
coaching, and the lack of identity should be enough to convince the Canucks to
go home and sleep this one off. But like most drunks they just don't see how
far gone they really are. That means it falls to the friends to intervene, so
here, let me: "Go home and sober up Vancouver. Right now, you're a mess!"

Last Ranking: 7

#7 - Edmonton Oilers (Buxom
Barmaid)

Looking good from a distance, and with enough there to
catch the eye of most anyone, the Edmonton Oilers look positively perfect from
across the room. Sadly, once you get close to them you realize that there is
nothing to them at all; no beauty, no brains, no nothing! What looked like a
campaign full of promise has become downright disastrous, with Saturday night's
clash between Head Coach Dallas Eakins and forward Taylor Hall being the
epitome of all that is wrong in Edmonton. This means that no one is paying much
attention to the Oilers - other to see just how cheaply they can pry some of
that talent away from them. With the wrong kind of suitors starting to crowd
around, this girl better figure things out quickly!