Cameron 'out sources' Syrian conflict to al-Qaeda

In a triumph of capitalism, the Government has come up with a novel solution to the over-stretching of the UK's armed forces. Having put the entire North Africa campaign 'out to tender', Prime Minister Cameron was 'pleasantly surprised' that the cheapest quote came from a group of 'free market', militant Islamists - who list the CIA as a previous employer.

An MoD spokesmen explained: 'It is a well known fact that the public sector is riddled with inefficiency. We plan to help Britain's 200,000 servicemen and women, with the same 'down-scaling' we applied to the 200,000 people once employed by the Coal industry. In turn, al-Qaeda offers an affordable, psychotic and deregulated alternative - that even Liam Fox can support. And goodness knows, since the awkward 2011 'bin Laden incident' they could really use the cash!'

Tory Ministers were delighted that the private sector can discharge all aspects of the conflict at a mere 350% of what nationalized industries would have charged. G4S will incarcerate enemy combatants and offer consolation nectar points for anyone wrongfully imprisoned, tortured or killed. BUPA will cover all combat injuries, provided they fall under the categories of appendicitis, Botox injections and breast enlargement. While the Royal Mail has agreed to return all casualties in jiffy bags to a local depot for collection.

One Tory confessed: 'Quite frankly we've been ill served by those public sector layabouts stationed in Afghanistan. They're always bleating on about 'lack of equipment', 'ethical boundaries' and 'putting lives before oil'. These al-Qaeda chappies have no such qualms'.

The 'customer' will also be given a 'wider choice' of fatality. Syrians will be enrolled on a 'pay per bullet' scheme with various levels of subscription - Basic (Beheading), Standard (Shoe Bomb) or Platinum (Syrian Passenger Jet). The MoD spokesman confirmed: 'We've got the Royal Bank of Scotland handling the finance, ATOS the intelligence gathering and A4e the residual guilt. Ironically al-Qaeda are looking the most reliable of the lot'.