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Forget the SAT, LSAT, and GMAT– Take My Parenting Test

Anyone who has advanced beyond high school has come face-to-face with the tests that serve as the gateway to “the next level.” Those tests assess and categorize prospective students by mental ability before they can pursue higher education or the careers of their choice.

Can we all agree that parenting is a career? For example, it’s mine. So where’s my aptitude test?

If I was in charge of parental aptitude tests, here’s what the test would look like:

Parenting Aptitude Test

1. If your First Born leaves the kitchen at a pace of 5 steps per every 5 seconds, and your Second Born is in the living room crawling at a pace of 2 scoots per every 10 seconds, how long until they collide and start fighting over a toy that neither one of them has played with in approximately 3 months?

2. If you have spent three hours shopping, chopping, cooking and serving a nutritious meal for your three children, how long will it take for them to eat it? How long will they spend complaining about it? How long into the meal before they ask for chicken nuggets? How many calories will you burn fuming over your wasted efforts? Was it worth it?

3. What are the odds that your child will develop explosive diarrhea when your husband is out of town and none of your babysitters are available and you are fresh out of diapers at midnight?

4. On the nights that you force yourself to stay awake because you believe that one of your children will wake up “any minute” wanting to nurse or screaming with night terrors or simply wanting to negotiate general middle-of-the-night maintenance needs, what is the likelihood that all of your children will sleep peacefully while you stare at the ceiling silently cursing the heavens?

5. If you hire a babysitter for $15.00/hour because you simply cannot spend another afternoon fighting your Little One who has refused to nap for the past 2 weeks, what are the odds that your Little One will fall peacefully asleep the moment you leave the house and you will end up paying $45.00 for the babysitter to sit on your couch and watch Keeping Up With the Kardashians?

6. If your 7-year-old neighbor has four rubber balls and your First Born has three, how many balls can your Second Born expect to play with during a 45-minute playdate?

7. If your two toddler-aged children stay up 45 minutes past their bedtime for three nights in a row, what time will they wake up on the fourth morning?

8. When your toddler ignores you for 30 minutes because she is engrossed in eating your lipstick or working a Suduko puzzle, how likely, on a scale of 1 to 10, is she to become apoplectic with grief the minute you try to talk on the phone?

9. If you have two favorite t-shirts, what are the odds that when wearing Favorite #1, your First Born has an epic diaper blowout (consisting of corn chunks and lima beans)? If your answer was greater than 50/50, then what are the odds that when wearing Favorite #2, your Second Born gives you a hug after dipping her hands in red spaghetti sauce?

10. First Born likes Elmo. Second Born likes Grover. Daddy likes Oscar The Grouch (because he reminds him of mommy). Mommy hates the whole lot of them. How many days in a given month will Mommy have to endure the parade of high-pitched, forced jocularity that is Sesame Street?

YOu are exactly right! Anyone who answers later than 4:45 will have their reproductive organs on ice until they learn more about parenthood. Your prize is a standard deviation from the norm in the 90 percentile. In other words, you got a great score and will be a great parent!

Yes, but that depends on how many people answer and you will never know because the test has to mirror parenting. Check back in 20 years to see if your kids are having a gap year, in school, in rehab or in jail. Then you will know.

If you are running late and need to get out the door NOW, what are the odds your 5-year old will forget how to get dressed even though the process has been the same EVERY STINKING MORNING for years???? Conversely, if you have nowhere to go, how quickly will he dress himself? (A) No change, (B) 5 minutes, tops, (C) before you’ve even got his sister out of bed and are still making your coffee.

Oh. Hell. Yes. Your child can change his/her clothes by himself/herself 30 times an afternoon while you are trying to keep the laundry to a sane minimum. But THE. MINUTE. MOMMY needs little one dressed, forget it. They are all thumbs. That’s such bullshit.

Okay, I’ve changed my mind. This post HAS to be the next Yeah Write. So stinking funny and true!!

What is wrong with diapers these days? I love my son, but I’m really tired of wearing his fecal matter on ALL my shirts (not just my favorites). Surely my kid isn’t the only one who explodes out of his diaper daily? Can Pampers not make a Hazmat suit? WTH?

Yes we have seven, 24/7!! I have 4 and my husband has 3, we have custody of all of them, every day🙂 our oldest is 19 and our youngest is 9… It’s super crazy and super fun and I am not gonna lie… super hard. We really could have a reality show, but I wouldn’t have it any other way!🙂

F***! Listen, I told you I can’t figure out odds, probability or stats to save my life (or my kids’ lives). Do I get to send my kids back if I fail? I want accommodations and a retest and a curve and … Listen, I have a doctor’s note excusing me from this test. I’ll study up and take it again next year or after my year as an exchange parent.

How old does the yogurt petrified on the side on the table at your local Panera Bread that your kid is currently licking off have to be before it can be considered penicillin?
Loved this!
Came from #FindingtheFunny.

Ah, the explosive diarrhea. Gotta love that. Especially when it happens in the library and you find yourself scrubbing the carpet with those brown paper towels and a bottle of 409 why the guilty party sets off the fire alarm that can only be shut off by the fire department. Good times.

1. I need more information: How many scoots equals one step?
2. a. They’ll never finish. b. They’ll never stop. c. Minus 5 minutes. d. Not enough. e. No.
3. Even money.
4. Zero
5. This is a trick question.
6. None
7. Not a relevant question, they’ll pull an all-nighter.
8. 10
9. It’s your fault for feeding them in first place.
10. For as long as it takes for her to throw a brick at Big Bird.

OMG! It is a little sad and scary that I can relate to so many of those, but you had me cracking up. I am past diapers (thank goodness) so now I have to say that the one about the balls with the neighbor got me the best! My poor second…I always say that he is either going to have the thickest skin ever, or the lowest self esteem. I pray for the first option!

1: immediately; 2: nuggets are always appropriate, don’t fucking bother; 3, 4, 5: 100%; 6: not a goddamn one unless he steals them all and eats them; 7: wee hours, pre-dawn, always; 8, 9: 100%; 10: all the goddamn time but you should be grateful that none of them likes The Wiggles.
I’ve been a parent of two boys for what feels like eternity. This is a great post and should be printed and distributed in all high school sex ed classes: it’s digital birth control.

If you call your child “hey monkey” when he is first learning to speak, what are the odds that while in a supermarkert in Mississippi he will clearly yell out “hey monkey” to the first child of similiar age that he sees…who just happens to be African-American. His mother looked at me like I had a noose in my hand. I was soooooo embarrassed!