In a bold move certain to upset the major Veterans Service Organizations across the fruited plain, President Obama today asserted his authority under his Executive prerogative to change the immutable date of Veterans Day. Numerous United States Postal Service workers, which encompasses the majority of Veterans, have for years advocated a “fluid date” that comprehends three-day weekends, permits more quality time with your buds down at the VFW Bar getting sudsed and reminiscing about all those German babes of the evening you “conquered” in hand-to-hand combat between the sheets.

In his Executive order, the President announced summarily that, predicated on his interpretation of what Congress really meant back in 1938, three-day weekends are paramount to the health of the current government workforce (excluding the standing military). He also cited to former President Gerald Ford’s misguided efforts in 1971 to move it to October 25-thereby carving out a niche of respectability for his executive proclamation.

Veterans Day is now slated to be combined with December 7th and form a new, combined three-day weekend geared toward a much-needed break between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Again, due to the inviolate nature of having these holidays misguidedly relegated to specific dates rather than days, the newly combined Veterans Day/Pearl Harbor day, tentatively to be called Vet Dudes day (VD Day for short), has been chosen as the first Monday in December.

As you can imagine, this will cause consternation among many who served America, most especially in the Navy but certainly including the other services. The President explained his logic thusly:

“In order to keep America strong, we need more shopping days between Thanksgiving and Christmas where you- my fellow Americans- can exert your God-given right to go out and rescue our beleaguered economy. President Bush screwed this up horribly and we have striven to repair the poor choices of his administration. While the economy is coming back like an express train, nothing will cement these gains unless I act unilaterally. I have recently heard the desire in your collective voice and I feel this is the solution. Knowing the intractable nature of Congress and their inability to engage in bicameral, bipartisan legislation, it behooves me to act to enforce Americans’ wishes forthwith. In time, the wisdom of my choices will become self-evident. It always does.

In order to avoid confusion, I have instructed the Attorney General to make this effective next year although I feel we should just go ahead and, you know, like, do it maybe twice this year and bust out this new Vet Dudes Gig on the first Monday next month. However, I feel it would be inadvisable until we get all the Veterans and their advocates on board with it. That will entail time to acclimate them. Being responsible and transparent, and having America’s interests uppermost in my administration’s agenda, I feel we can sacrifice this year and give the negative Nancys time to get acclimated to the change. Make no mistake. Three-day weekends are the wave of the future. America’s government workforce, excluding the active military, of course, demands this special dispensation. They are overworked and underpaid.

Having an extensive background in these matters, I discussed this with the Joint Chiefs of Staff of America’s military forces and they concur that we simply cannot have everyone off that weekend. What the hey? Somebody’s got to protect us against this Ebonics-ah-Ebola thing. Besides, technically speaking, active military forces are not yet Veterans in the truest sense of the word and I know they will understand. I also wish to thank all of you for your most recent mandate for my policies at polling places across America last Tuesday. Your trust in me is well-placed. I feel this is one small step in repaying that trust. Happy VD Day and thank you for your service to America.

Lastly, I have instructed our new VA Secretary to drop what he is doing to restructure the VA and promptly promulgate new rules to effectuate my decision today. There will be ample time to fix those pesky waiting periods that are allegedly killing you Veterans. America’s economy is far more important that a bunch a whiny, malingering mentally deranged Veterans hanging around Veterans Affairs Medical Centers seeking sympathy and free medical services. Besides, that’s why I invented the Affordable Care Act. Hey, if you like VA medical care, you get to keep VA medical care. I’m not trying to take it away from you if you can get it. In fact, I modeled the ACA after the VA model. I’d like to think I am boldly going where no President has ever gone before. Thank you again. I wish I could be there today but this China gig came up suddenly and -well-what can I say? My tailor is in Hong Kong.”

3 Responses to PRESIDENT ANNOUNCES NEW DATE FOR VETERANS DAY

Had to check the calendar, April 1st? But then again, knew it wasn’t true when this phrase reared it’s ugly head: “my fellow Americans”, yea, right. Then there are the ribbons . . . is that a VSM? was he even alive then?

Come on, Todd. Being born on April Fool’s day gives me great artistic license. Knowing everyone would be writing some tome with a funeral dirge was the impetus to bring a smile to our countenance. Having lived in the dark claims basement lo these twenty five years consuming VA’s organic fertilizer, I felt a breath of fresh air was in order. What better way than to marry it to contemporary events of the last week. Bon appetit.