Cons:

Let's get one thing straight: Duke Nukem Forever has a lot of ribald, off-color, politically incorrect, and flat-out gross moments in it. It objectifies women, possibly for comedic effect, possibly because it allows the game to have more boobs in it. It doesn't matter. The game has you grab a piece of poop out of a locker room toilet and hurl it at someone, possibly for comedic effect, possibly because the game's writers are into scatology. It doesn't matter. You may have an opinion as to whether or not these things are funny, or cool, or entertaining, and that's all legitimate -- but what isn't legitimate is trying to take Duke Nukem Forever to task for doing things you find inappropriate. Understand this: When it comes to matters of taste, the simple fact is that "inappropriate" doesn't exist.

Duke Nukem Forever is sure to draw comparisons to other first-person shooters, mostly because it has so little in common with any of the ones we think of as canonical today. For example, it will doubtless be subject to the same kind of disgrace as another 3D Realms title, Shadow Warrior, was many years ago. It contains jokes and situations that some people will find offensive. Others will find them funny. Much like another game that took a lot of flak for being offensive -- the absolutely brilliant Bulletstorm -- the humor, storyline, characterization, one-liners, and all that jazz are more or less irrelevant in DNF. What really matters isn't whether the game lets you smack virtual women in the boobs or punch giant aliens in the junk, what matters is if the game is fun while doing that stuff and everything else in between it. And DNF, sad to say, just isn't.

It's "sad to say" because I wanted this game to be great. Like DNF developer Gearbox's President Randy Pitchford and so many other gamers, I love DNF's predecessor, Duke Nukem 3D, as much as any shooter I've ever played. That game was like a brother to me. But somewhere during DNF's 14-year development cycle, either Gearbox, or original developer 3D Realms, or one of the several other developers that worked on DNF lost just about everything about Duke 3D that made it a fun game.

First and foremost, Gearbox has committed a cardinal sin by turning Duke into a pansy. Sure, he has plenty of snappy one-liners, but now he can only carry two weapons at a time, none of which is particularly interesting or innovative -- and all of which require you to constantly run back to ammo containers to ensure you're not reduced to pistol-whipping enemies. Yes, that's right: You can only pistol-whip or barrel-bash, as Duke's famous "mighty boot" has been removed. Gone, too, are the health/armor meters of Duke 3D. Instead, Duke has a life bar (called "Ego") that recharges when you don't get hit, requiring you to constantly duck behind cover and run like a bitch from aliens in all but the smallest firefights. Exacerbating this problem, bosses can only be harmed by explosive weapons, all of which have ridiculously low ammo capacities. This means boss fights are more about staying tethered properly to an ammo crate, rather than undertaking any actual running and gunning. That ain't Duke.

Also, the level design eschews the exploratory roundabouts of yesteryear for a series of very conventional, linear, and frankly boring maps. A few of these are quite fun -- especially a midgame sequence where Duke has to alternate between driving a monster truck and getting out to kick ass and get gas -- but many are formulaic. Go down a hallway, fight some guys, solve a puzzle, fight some guys, load the next map. And while we're on the subject of loading: DNF's load times are a major issue. On the console versions, at least, you're looking at around a 40-second load screen every time you change or reload a level. Yes, even when you die. Forty seconds. That's unacceptable, even with the very droll interstitial advice comments you're shown while the game loads ("Take less damage to avoid being killed" was my favorite).

DNF does have some fun moments. If you're into Internet culture or pop culture in general, well, DNF's designers are as well. The game references everything from Internet memes, to Aqua Teen Hunger Force, to awesome films... and for those of us who enjoy little inside jokes, it's great. But, again, this stuff is all outside the scope of the game itself. And since we need to get back to the game itself, let's talk about how effed the multiplayer is.

This is really the saddest thing, because DNF could have brought back over-the-top, mass-insanity multiplayer as a viable alternative to the regimented stuff we have so much of today, but instead, all it brings is tears. The Xbox 360 version's multiplayer is laggy to the point of being unplayable, and the game modes and maps are mostly boring as hell. To its credit, DNF resurrects a couple of Duke 3D's classic maps, but the game modes are just basic deathmatch, team deathmatch, capture the flag, and a capture-and-hold mode. None of these is very much fun, because the lag makes it impossible to use anything but explosive weapons against enemies, and because the maps themselves (especially the new ones) are so small.

On top of all this, DNF is hurt by the fact that its graphics are really bad. Yes, it's using an old engine, but surely it could have been polished up more than this during those 14 years. In multiplayer, it's almost got a kind of kitschy charm to it -- the graphics are blocky enough and the animations are choppy enough that it's kind of amusing in a weird way. But this game looks so bad that you wonder if the designers and artists spent much time on the graphics at all.

And that, as insane as it sounds, is the crux of the matter: Duke Nukem Forever feels like it was rushed out the door. So many of the design decisions are poor, so much of the maps are unbalanced (going from uneventful to extremely difficult in a flash), and the graphics are so shoddy, that an experienced gamer can come to no other conclusion. You may like the humor or you may want to write your Congressman about it -- ultimately, that's a matter for you and your conscience -- but one way or another, you can't deny that this game just isn't very much fun.