Most residents in Riverton, West Virginia believe the
story began with the Humvee parked in the Blossom driveway. The
story actually began when Judge Newton Blossom gave his wife's 1932 fire
truck, Bertha, to a junk dealer for scrap. The junk dealer sold the
antique pumper to the Emergency Vehicle Transportation Museum in Deep
Freeze, North Dakota for $85,000.

When Elena Blossom got off the phone with the museum in
a futile attempt to buy back Bertha, she said, "Nelson, how could you do
that to me? You know how much she meant to me."

"A judge has a duty to uphold the dignity of his
office, my dear, and to serve as a role model for the community. A
fire engine on my property made me look ridiculous. Let's hear
no more about it."

Elena hadn't minded that Nelson married her for her
money. Even as sole heir of the Blossom fortune, Elena knew someone as
ugly as she couldn't expect much in the way of a mate. Her father
often wondered aloud why she hadn't been born handsome like his family,
the
Montgomerys. Her mother always added that Elena wasn't graceful like
her family, the Delworths.

Elena hadn't minded Nelson's affairs. Except for the
time he and his administrative assistant, Annabel, decided to have a
quickie in a stuck elevator at the courthouse and the door opened on the
first floor to a waiting crowd. The flurry of talk about removal
went nowhere-given Nelson's lifetime appointment to the bench.

Elena did mind the loss of Bertha. Bertha didn't
deserve to be treated as scrap metal. She had a proud heritage of
saving lives.

When Elena spent $100,000 to buy Barbara, a 1949 pumper,
she wondered whether she should increase her husband's yearly allowance to
$150,000. After all he was human and Barbara was a fire truck.
On the other hand, she said to her new friend, "You give me more pleasure
and you're in mint condition."

Nelson returned from still another judicial conference,
accompanied by his administrative assistant, to find Elena driving Barbara
in the
Founders' Day Parade. Clinging to Barbara's sides were twelve
members of Brownie Troop 102.

Barbara surfaced in Beats Walking Transportation Museum
in New Mexico. The museum paid $250,000 to the seller. The
judge bought himself a new Lamborghini with money he saved from skipping
lunch.

For several months after Barbara disappeared, the
Blossom's home life went on serenely. Elena continued her volunteer
work as leader of Brownie Troop 102 and as coordinator of the Blossom
Elementary School carpool. On weekends, she cooked at the battered
women's shelter.

Nelson's capricious decisions made experienced
attorneys avoid his courtroom whenever possible. He generally spent
several afternoons each week trying to hit golf balls across the pond at
the bottom of the front lawn.

The housekeeper said to the gardener, "There must be a
two-foot layer of golf balls at the bottom of the pond."

"Must be three feet," said the gardener.

Convinced he would win the "Judge of the Year Award" at
the annual Silt County judicial conference, Nelson was busy writing his
acceptance speech when the end of his tranquil life came in the form of
the 10 o'clock news.

Elena was enchanted by a segment devoted to the HMMVW,
the High Mobility, Multi-Purpose, Wheeled Vehicle, better known as the
Humvee. The reporter told his viewers, "The Humvee's versatility is
the stuff of legends. In Operation Desert Storm, among its many
duties, it served as a command-and-control vehicle, an ambulance, and a
mount for machine guns and grenade launchers. Able to go over
exploding land mines without danger to the passengers, the Humvee can
climb 60-degree slopes. Best of all, its vertical exhaust pipe and
water-tight motor compartment permit it to travel through water up to five
feet. Marine Humvees serve for 14 years before being retired.
I'd say they
deserve a pension."

Elena called her broker in the morning, "I want the
oldest Humvee you can find, one with a history." A week went by with
no word from the broker. Impatient, Elena called him.

"They are scarce," he said. "I've located one for
sale, but the price is too high. You can get a new civilian version
for less."

"I don't want a new civilian version." The broker
sighed. He was fond of Elena, but her priorities sometimes baffled
him.

"The retired Marine who owns it insists on meeting any
prospective buyer. He'll only sell to someone who will give his
Humvee a good home."

Elena chartered a plane the next morning to Wagon Stop,
Alabama.

Colonel Daniel Michael Broome approved of Elena's
reverence toward his beloved Tillie. "She got me through Desert
Storm. We've been through a lot together. I wouldn't sell her,
but I need the money to keep a forest out of the hands of developers."

Elena was quiet for several seconds, while she examined
the colonel's face. "Why don't I buy the land, Colonel, and you keep
Tillie. My broker will find me one of Tillie's sisters."

"I can't let you do that, ma'am."

"Colonel, I've got more money than God. My
husband is just waiting for me to die to get his hands on it. The
more I spend now, the less he'll have then."

During his thirty-year career as a Marine, the colonel
was known by his aids for his shrewd assessment of people. He said,
"Let's go for a ride. I'll show you the land."

Deep in the woods, sitting on a log, the colonel
encouraged Elena to tell him about her life. When she told him about
being ugly, he said, "How thick were your parents' glasses?"

"They didn't wear glasses."

"They needed them. Tell me about Nelson."

At the tale of the judge and his assistant in the
elevator, the colonel laughed until tears ran down his cheeks. He
wiped his face with a huge white handkerchief. "Ma'am, you tell a
great story."

"I do?"

"I can picture Nelson with his wienie hanging out and
Annabel with her pantyhose wrinkled around her ankles."

For the first time, Elena's humiliation flowed away
like cool water and she laughed until she cried into the colonel's
handkerchief. He patted her back. As she dried her eyes, Elena
said, "Can I come and visit Tillie from time to time?"

"I insist you take her home with you, since you're
going to buy the land."

"It's better if I leave Tillie with you. She might
get sold like Bertha or disappear from my driveway like Barbara."

No amount of persuasion could change the colonel's
mind. Marines are single-minded. The colonel didn't like
bullies and he had a plan.

"We'll drive to Riverton. On the way, you can
learn to handle Tillie. Driving a Humvee is not like driving an
ordinary car. They have camps to teach new owners how to drive their
civilian Hummers."

Home in Riverton, the colonel insisted that Elena leave
Tillie in the driveway with the key in the ignition. For three days,
the colonel, equipped with an infrared camera and binoculars, watched the
driveway from the woods at the edge of Elena's estate.

At midnight on the third day, Nelson, dressed in black,
crept from the house and slipped into the Humvee. Several minutes
passed before he was able to start it.

He's so damned arrogant, thought the colonel. A
good Marine reads the manual.

Nelson couldn't maneuver the turn needed to head out to
the main road--just as the colonel had predicted. He shifted into
reverse--just as the colonel had predicted.

"I'll stroll down the drive," said the colonel to the
owl sitting in the tree above him, "and take a picture of the honorable
judge sitting in Tillie in three feet of water. Then I'll personally
deliver the picture to the Riverton Gazette. Hell, I'll even write
the headline, 'Identity of Mystery Burglar Revealed.'"

Tillie did sink through three feet of water--just as
the colonel had predicted. She kept sinking through three feet of
golf balls, which the colonel had not predicted. The Riverton
Gazette headline read, "Judge Dies in Tragic Accident."

With a few hundred hours of intensive care, Tillie was
restored and able to look forward to twenty years of Founders' Day Parades
with the colonel and his lady.