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Thursday, July 25, 2013

5 Things Parents Need to Stop Saying to Non-Parents

First, I should say that I am 100% guilty of all of these. I know this reads as an advice list, but really it's advice I'm giving myself. The "you" I am addressing in this piece is me... unless it applies to you; then it is you.I ran head first into this parenting thing, and have gladly and gratefully let it redefine me as a person. One unforeseen side-effect has been that I view everything through the lens of parenting. Sometimes that is a good thing. For instance, I don't leave steak knives lying around as much as I used to. Sometimes, and this is what I've recently learned, it can alienate my non-kid having friends. Here are some things that are better left unsaid. 1. Dogs are not kids. It usually goes like this. "Ugh. You know what really bugs me? When so and so compares her dog to my kid. Or when so and so refers to their dog as their kid. Dogs are not kids! She has NO IDEA!"

He finally started sleeping through the night!

You know what? Unless "so and so" needs professional help, I guarantee "so and so" knows that her dog is not a human child. She also knows that having a dog is nothing like having a kid. What she's really saying is "Oh! Yes. I also have something in my life that poops AND brings me joy."She is trying to relate to you and be a part of your life – the life where all you do is talk about your kids. I know that it's hard to relate when you have kids and your friends don't. What were once close relationships can become sporadic meet-ups where you do your best to try to catch up with someone with whom you have very little in common anymore. Sure, you two were best buds in college, but now you have very different lives. So when "so and so" offhandedly, and perhaps awkwardly, tries to relate to your story about picking poo out of your bangs by comparing it to scraping dog shit out of the carpet, cut her some slack. She's just trying to be nice. And she misses you.2. You think you're (insert anything here)! Try having kids!Tired, stressed, in pain, covered in urine, it doesn't matter. They all apply. Too often, we parents downplay non-parent's concerns by pulling ours out and tossing them on the table. "Oh man! You worked 50 hours this week? Try doing that with kids!" "Oh man, you think your feet hurt from working outside all day! I've been chasing my toddler blah blah blah punch me in the face please."It's not a competition. If, on a scale of 1 to Passing Out Awkwardly in the Shower and Waking Up When the Hot Water Runs Out, your friend is at a 7, and three weeks into your first newborn you were at a 9, that DOESN'T MAKE YOUR FRIEND ANY LESS TIRED. It isn't that your experiences can't be a valid contribution to the conversation, but instead of a my pain is more painful than your pain approach, instead try sympathizing. Why not try using your experience as a new parent to help instead of compete? Say something like "Whoa! I bet you're tired. When I was tired after my daughter was born, I found that pouring coffee directly into my eyeballs was incredibly useful."3. Don't worry, when you have kids you'll…Not be grossed out by boogers, know who Dora the Explorer is, be happy… UGH. We've got to quit assuming that everyone is going to have kids. Some people don't want kids and choose not to have them. Some people really want kids and are trying incredibly hard to have them. Indicating to these people that having kids is the only way they will reach some higher level of understanding is both inconsiderate and rude. I don't know what the alternatives to these statements are. Maybe just cut anything that starts with "When you have kids..." out of your repertoire all together. It makes you sound like their mom anyway. 4. Is the party kid friendly?Unless you and your friend have some previous communication on this topic about how your little one is always welcome, assume the party is not kid friendly.Don't ask. If it were "kid friendly" they would have invited you AND your kids, and mentioned the awesome play room that they will have set up in the basement. By asking your non-kid having friends if their party is kid friendly you are putting them in the really awkward position of either MAKING their party kid friendly on the fly, or telling you that the party is NOT kid friendly which, then, no matter how low-key the party was intended to be in the first place, pretty much requires that they now provide a steady supply of hookers and blow. Don't make your friends set up a kids room, and definitely don't make them buy hookers and blow.

Is the party puppy friendly?

5. My life didn't have meaning before I had kids!

Another way to say this: My life was meaningless before I had kids. Another way: Life without kids is meaningless.Look, I know this feeling. Sometimes it feels like all the worries I had before my kids were trivial. I understand the urge to convey that feeling into words. Don't do it. Your life may have a different purpose now, but your pre-kid life was an important part of your story, and your non-kid having friends are a part of that. Don't dismiss that part of your life the way most people skip the foreward to a novel they really want to read. By dismissing the "before" as just a build up to your kids, you are not only dismissing your friends, but you're also implying that their story has not started yet. -Lastly, if you have done or said any of these things, you don't need to apologize. Just stop saying them. Apologizing will just make it worse. I apologized for one of these things and it came out poorly. It basically sounded like "Oh, you poor, delicate, non-kid having flower. I am sorry that I was so consumed in my awesome parenting that I was neglectful and dismissive of our friendship. Please forgive me." There was no forgiveness needed. I hadn't harmed anyone, I'd just annoyed them. Forgiving me would have been like forgiving a fly for landing on you. So I promise to try and be more aware of how I say things, a better friend, and less of a fly. And by less of a fly, I mean that I will not land on you, vomit on you, and then try to eat you. College is over. I don't do that stuff anymore. Love, Dad (John)*

OK, one more picture of our adorable dog that I pretend not to like.

*No dogs were hurt in the making of this post. He was a noticeably annoyed, however.P.S. If you're not currently a fan of the Ask Your Dad Facebook Page, you should be! I post smaller humorous content, pictures and interesting articles. We laugh... we cry... we hug. (We don't actually hug.)

264 comments:

I was one of those "compare your dog to kids" people, until I had a kid. Now I'm horrified of my former ways. I read a quote somewhere that once you have kids, your dog becomes a dog again. It's so true. He used to be my baby!

I agree with summerhorse. I adopted my dog last year from a couple who used to love her very much... until they had a baby! Then all of a sudden no one has time for the dog and they throw her away. These people makes me angry. Yes of course you can't compare dog and baby, but you made a commitment to the dog first and they are no less family! At least my dog is happy in my family now!

People with children do not seem to realize that there are many, many people who cannot actually have children for many reasons. Some try to make due with a dog. These people are sick and tired of hearing people who do have children complain about how hard their lives with children are. Pleas be more sensitive to those without what you have.

I don't see what's so awful about her comment. Just because she used to treat her dog like a baby and now views the dog as a dog doesn't make her Hitler. What, is she supposed to breast feed the dog and put it in diapers too? Will the dog eventually move onto college and get a job? No. It's a dog. They're more capable than what you portray them to be. And if it weren't for humans mutating animals and breeding them to the point that they're practically useless, then they wouldn't be so damn pampered. I'd like a guard dog to keep my family safe.

When I have more children my older children don't get loved less. It just means they have to get used to having to share attention and toys.

So shove your guilting where the sun don't shine because it's unnecessary. When the day comes that your dog can vote, I'll take your whining more seriously.

Just to chime in here:Dog stories are completely banal to people who have kids. I think it's just as inconsiderate to blather on about "well Pookie did this, and then he did that", when really, people with kids couldn't care less. While its true some people can't have kids for various reasons, it's also true that some contingent of these people have selfishly lived out their younger years self-centered or w/out realistically focusing on finding a lasting partner, and are left with their teacup yorkie in the end. In those cases, people with kids don't want to hear about the veterinary expense of Pebbles, while an accessory to loneliness my provide purpose, but does not extend the course of humanity or enrich society to the extend child-bearing / rearing does. Everyone should become more interesting and talk about things with greater scope; small talk is a waste of time.

Just to chime in here:Kid stories are completely banal to people who have none. I think it's just as inconsiderate to blather on about "well Junior did this, and then he did that", when really, people without kids couldn't care less.Everyone should become more interesting and talk about things with greater scope; small talk is a waste of time.

I don't understand the mentality of wanting to slap someone for saying they're tired. No one forced you to have children.It is a choice. Please know that when parents complain incessantly, it elicits little to no sympathy from many of us, because it was your CHOICE to have kids.

This was asked and answered in the article; if your child is invited it will be stated. If not stated, then you can ASSUME you need to brush up on your adult socializing skills and ask about other people's lives and listen to them. What I think was not said in this article is that parents buffer life with their kid troubles and children stories and worries and woes so that they never have to connect with anyone else. I bet parents out there, for the majority, cannot remember the last time they celebrated a single/childless friend's achievement, making partner, but hey let's throw another kid party for making poo-poo in the potty.We are all adults, we used to make an effort to seek diversity and challenge. Please continue after you have a family, your children with thank you for it too. Just my opinion... oppps there I go .....

That's just not true. I've been to several social events that I found out were kid friendly when I got there, while my kids sat at home with a babysitter I was paying. Most of the time it's obvious whether or not something is open to kids, but if it's not, I'm going to ask. Your second statement is just ridiculous. Sure, some parents use their kids to avoid connecting, just like some people use jobs, the internet or hobbies to do the same. Most people have responsibilites though in one form or another and have learned as adults that responsibilities come before play, whether work, budget or children. P.S. My children will also thank me for surrounding them with adults of all kinds and lifestyles whom they can learn from in different social settings.

I'm having a party this weekend. I was going to have a set up for kids, but didn't state that on the invite. I got asked if kids were ok, I said of course. Parents are just trying to be polite. The only time kids weren't invited to one of my parties I put it down on the on the invite. Now that I have one one way I'll pay attention to make sure if its a kid friendly party otherwise I will ask and if they say "no kids" I'll respect that. If they get offended then I'll just tell them that I wanted to make sure that I dont bring him and have to leave to take him home.

As someone who is childless by choice: thank you!Particularly for #2,3, and 5. I don't begrudge anyone's choice to have children - in fact, I adore my two nephews, and love spending time with them. I am tired though of having to justify *my* choice, and of being told so many times that I don't know what I'm missing, that it's different when they're your own, that I am selfish.... I've made a career out of dealing with other people's poor parenting, trying to help *their* kids heal. It takes time, and emotional energy, and if it's selfish that at the end of the day, I want a little left over for me, well - so be it.

You could easily argue that having children itself is selfish. aren't there. enough underprivileged kids in this world that you should be helping before you become so involved with your own? if we all spent time with children that need help the world would be a much better place both for the quality and quantity of people in it. think about that before calling the childless selfish. maybe they help others with their spare time and think there's already enough people in this world

Or an accident. Or forced. Or trying to surrogate. But yes, lets talk about how our decision to have a child is selfish, and how your decision to lead a bachelors life shouldn't be judged. OH wait that would make someone a hypocrite. For shame.

Another thing people never seem to consider about the childless is maybe we have bad health issues in our genes and don't want to pass them on? Maybe we feel we're not in an emotionally/ financially stable enough place to have them? There's nothing wrong with not wanting them, or not being able to have them, of course. But people with kids seem to think the those are the only two reasons someone wouldn't have kids. And, most importantly, in the end it's really none of your business why someone does or doesn't have children. No one (as long as they aren't harming anyone) should have to justify how they live their life.

Thank you for recognizing that childrearing isn’t for you and being true to who you are.

Thank you for not succumbing to the societal pressures. I’ve known far too many parents who had kids because that’s what was expected of them. Working in childcare, you see more of this type than you wish to see. The resentment is almost palpable. They love their children — at least, they have no choice but to love their children — but every single movement seems to scream, “I wasn’t meant for this.” I’ve known too many people who grew up with at least one parent who harbored that resentment, who let that resentment dictate how they parented. I’ve seen how that influenced the way these former children are now as adults, or even as parents themselves.

Anonymous...you forget that human beings are also animals and have an instinctual drive to breed. Maybe you can justify the desire to have a child as something 'selfish', but everything you do after the child is born is selfless. That's if you're a good parent. Neither choice is selfish unless the motives behind the individual person's choice is indeed selfish. I wish everyone would just shut the hell up about this debate. It's nothing but an insult slinging match. I lived 30 years as a non-parent with fertility problems and had my child later in life. I know all this bullshit is offensive on either side and frankly, it's just stupid.

The truth is, you never know someone else's walk of life until you're in it. True, we don't have kids (yet, we're adopting, but due to my husband being in the military, it's taking significantly longer than I'd hoped) but we all have our own unique challenges that make our lives unique. We're tired ALL THE TIME already. My Husband works 14 hour days, 6 days a week, when he's not deployed. When he is deployed, he's gone for months at a time - no skype, no port calls, no phone calls... in a submarine, the company and the scenery never changes. How will kids fit into that picture? We'll make it work - just have to convince the social worker's first. Don't even get me started on the list of things NOT to say to adopting parents. If I hear, "but...don't you want kids of 'your own'?" one more time... Once folks learn to respect each other's journeys, it's amazing how much common ground we can find. ;)

Adopted children ARE your own, I hate when they separate out 3 children AND 2 adopted children when it is not relevant to the conversation or story/article at hand (like an article ON adopting children). Just say they have 5 kids!

I would 100% absolutely take a bullet for either of my dogs and I would say that they would do the same for me. Not to mention the fact that one of those dogs saves my life on a regular basis by warning me when I am about to have a seizure. And no that doesn't make my dog any better than anyone else's dog, I was just giving an example of a dog saving a life by choice (seizure dogs are NOT trained t to recognize seizures, its only after the dog shows the ability on its own that their reaction to it is trained to his they respond to it).

Nice NOT knowing you. Don't you have anything better to do than belittle and judge? Seriously, this blog should help you be a more considerate person, not somebody with a ridiculous sense of superiority. I'm proud not to know you, regardless of the fact that I don't have a dog.

The relationship between dogs and their humans is much different than humans and their children. Dogs are loyal, loving companions and that's really crucial for a lot of people to have (including me!). I really dislike people that downplay anyone elses relationship with ANYTHING just because it isnt their own. And yeah bitch, my dog is my baby. Once you stay up all night for a few weeks/months crate training and cleaning up somethings shit at a constant during potty training, comfort when sick or take them to the vet, go to doggy classes and bring them everywhere with you; YOU realize there are SIMILARITIES in the process. Obviously it's not raising a kid, but its none of your god damn business who I love and what I call them. I can't stand people like you.

Wow! People who call their dogs babies are even bigger jerks than people who say they aren't. Anonymous (Feb 27, 2014 @ 6:45 AM) You're the one that sounds like a "bitch."I have pets and no children. Both are wonderful, but not the same thing at all. There are similarities between apples and oranges too, but apples are not oranges. Pets are not children. The tone of the article is just trying to point out that friends are trying to relate and be a part of the conversation and that should be respected, but there are many freaks out there that actually think their pets are their children. They need therapy.

Here's what I'd say, if you know the person really well you probably won't be having conversations like this. For other cases, I encourage parents to be kind. You don't deserve some "badge of courage" to beat down us non-parents with. What if that couple is struggling with infertility? Or, like me. I desperately want kids but I'm waiting until I graduate. This isn't easy because I'm a non-traditional student…aka…old. How about the good old fashioned golden rule? Treat others how you'd want to be treated. Or, if you are a parent haven't you mastered "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"? As a college student who struggles with hypothyroidism, I can tell you what tired feels like. How about just not assuming?

Don't ever tell someone they "don't know love" and "can't possibly until having a child" further insisting that person "only thinks they know love" It is rude, condescending, and while it maybe be the case in the life of the parent saying it that does NOT make it a universal truth.

As somebody who is bombarded with "until you've powdered a little booty, you haven't known love" on her Facebook page regularly from the mummy brigade, I wonder, how do their significant others feel about this sort of stuff? "Gees, thanks honey, guess those vows we took in front of those strangers in the church don't count for anything because you don't powder my arse or have soothed my little tummy."

Quite a number of my friends have children and I'm fine with it. It's their choice to have children, as it is my choice to not have children. Some like John here make me think that there is a possibility of being level headed human being as well as being a parent. Others however and sadly this tends to be a loud minority, make me swear of reproducing in case I end up like those highlighted in this article.

Firstly, I will admit I've told people that dogs are not children. Not because I think having children is hard, but because dogs are dogs. Dogs shouldn't be treated like people. Yes love them, adore them, but for the love of Pete treat the dog like a dog. They can still be your baby and be treated like a dog.

The only thing I say and that is IF solicited is that when you have a baby, for the next three years your relationship with your pet will change.

Parenting is not the be all end all. It's hard. It's not the hardest thing in the world, but it's darned close and I admire people who can beat the biological urge not to have them. You DO NOT have to have kids to be happy, complete, successful and loved!

If you feel compelled to tell someone "by the way, your dog is not a kid"...then you sir, are an asshole. No one actually believes dogs are human children, the very idea is ridiculous. But dogs are the EQUIVALENT for many people. My dogs are MY children, in that I raised them from babies, feed them, and love them unconditionally. They are completely dependent on me, and I will take care of them and protect them with everything I have. And that is essentially the sentiment my friends with children share, those same feelings of love, annoyance, protection, pride, etc. So while my dogs are not *human babies (thank god) they are *my babies. And telling someone that their dog is not a child is as useless and unnecessary as if I were to tell you your child is not a monkey. Of course your child is not a monkey, but it may be *your monkey. Don't minimize someone else's feelings just because you do not feel the same.

One thing that I think would be really helpful for everyone (parent and non) is to always assume someone has it harder than you do. For different reasons. You're just an asshole if you turn everything into a "my life is HARDER than yours" contest.

I am going to argue with you strenuously on #4. Most of my kids default to having non-kid friendly parties. I'm cool with that. Most of the time these parties start after my bed time and I don't care anyway. Once in a while I get in the mood to see folks and I say, "Hey! Is there any chance this party might be kid friendly?" and people who rarely get to see us get to make a choice. I think that giving people choices is a good thing rather than just assuming my friends don't want to see me or my kids.

Many many people have been ecstatic at the addition of my kids. They don't stress kid-friendly because they know very few people with children. And my kids have to be watched at their house because it isn't a "kid house" but if I want my children to know people..

Life is about a series of compromises. :) You can only compromise if you ask people to meet you half-way. Otherwise, I think this is a nice post. You are a good writer. :)

Yeah, I agree. I don't have kids and don't often think to make it a kid-friendly party, but I actually like kids and am almost always happy to have people bring their little ones, I just like a heads up so I can be sure to bathe my dogs (since kids looooove dogs and will end up hanging on them).

I'm asking this genuinely and not to just rag on you, but you don't mention ever going to the adukts-only party without the kids. You did say that most of the time the parties are "past your bedtime" and you "don't care anyway," but you will ask to bring your kids from time to time. I think this is one of the biggest issues child free people have with certain parent friends. Some people cut their child free friends out because they cannot fathom going anywhere without the kiddos. It's a two-way street.

I don't normally comment on stuff but as a parent I do not leave my child with a sitter when I don't have to and especially just to go out. If my friends want to see me they can see both of us. We are a package deal and if they don't understand then they are not very good friends. When you have children your priorities should change and sometimes that means growing out of certain friends. A kid friendly party doesn't have to be balloons and cake and everyone can still have a good time.

Yes, you are the type of person who doesn't cater to anyone else's needs because it's all about you now that you have a kid. Maybe your friends don't feel like talking baby talk or saying "awww" every five minutes to make you feel better about yourself, now that you have no life other than being a parent. If my friends made me hang out with their kid every time I wanted ot see them I would think, oh thanks, so i can't discuss adult topics, can't ask for adult advice, can't speak like a full fledged adult, I simly am here to entertain your child. It is amazing to me how parents automatically think the whole world should cater to them now that they brought life into the world. You are not special, you simply are ignorant to the population problem here on Earth. You are the one who is a not very good friend, so you better get used to people dropping YOU.

I can't wait to have kids - I've always known I wanted 'em! ...at this point in my life, though, the only thing I've raised with my other half is a kitten and a puppy. My fur-babies are my pride n' joy so far. I take far too many pictures of them and share them with probably far too many people...which makes those people then compare my animals to their kids. Somehow, when it's this way around (and not me comparing my dog to their baby), it's more acceptable. Why the double-standard? Also, to take your kids to a kid-free party and say that everyone enjoyed your kids being there is perhaps you not allowing yourself to see the entire picture. I love kids, and I'll probably end up focusing on them if they're at a party...BUT I will probably be disappointed in the fact that I won't spend as much time focusing on the adults I was intending to socialize with (and there will be some people there just pretending to like your annoying snotty-nosed, sticky-fingered, drooling child...but you may not catch on). Perhaps make a comment about finding a baby-sitter and see if the host then says, "bring the kids, too!"

That really is the right answer. Baby-sitter guilt. Seriously. I wasn't 100% sure I would love my baby more than my cats or even my wife, but I did. Its like telling High School kids that they don't know about life... there's no good purpose served ignoring people just because of their age.

Ok, I agree with points two through five. Anytime a parent does any of those they are acting like an idiot. But if you are dumb enough to EQUATE your pet to a child then you are open game on the first one. There is a big difference between being an idiot (numbers two through five) and telling someone they are acting like an idiot.

You've missed the point of the article, and judging by your low level of class in conveying your feelings about #1, it doesn't shock me that your reading comprehension is also terrible. #1 is NOT about the childless person actually equating their pet with your child. It is about the parent ASSUMING that is what the childless person is doing with their dog/cat stories....which is pretty much what you just did. So, who is the "idiot?"

Same reason why the sentence "Well, I don't like to judge, but..." exists. 70% of the people on earth are hypocrites in all kinds of ways. I'm guilty on occasion, but I call myself out on it an apologize.

3 and 5 for certain!. I despise children. I do not want to be around them, I do not like to deal with them until at least they are above 18. Most people are now insistent that at the age of 27 I must now marry and have children ASAP and tell me how selfish i am for not having them. I do not want them, and when these same people tell me I'm being selfish I'm telling them to go back to their lives and kids. I'm going to go out, buy that stuff for ME that I want, while they have to go budget their income for what their kids want and wonder if they can get that new odor out of the car seats.

When I tell people I have no intention of having children, as I do not like children they often reply with "its different when they are you're own". I then reply with "Ok, if I have children and its not different do you want them, cause I don't?" Very few people have been able to respond to that.

Yes Anon, prove that you're not selfish by being selfish. Smart. And despising what you once were, even more hilarious. Hi I can't stand children. I am too brain stunted to comprehend that they act the way they do because they are learning to grow and be more mature. I believe that I have a right to be there when they are 18 even if i want nothing to do with them before hand. I hate children because my emotions are limited to pleasuring myself and hating anything that gets in the way of that. I probably could list more reasons why the op of this is a complete jerk d*ck. He just made all of the people who choose not to have kids look like total a**holes.

Actually, you just made yourself look like an asshole. Kids are obnoxious. They are loud, annoying, sticky, smelly, and rude. I would dislike children less if there weren't such shitty parents (you) who think kids are magical and delightful and perfect. Your kids are not as cute as you think they are, and your complete dismissal of a lifestyle different from yours is frankly, gross. So recognizing that I don't want children, and being excited to have a life to myself, makes me selfish? Well I think bringing more children into a grossly overpopulated world is selfish. I think parents like you who subject the rest of the world to your screeching brat are selfish. Congrats, you produced offspring. My cat can do the same, and chances are she won't walk around like an entitled twat just because she pushed out some kittens.

Using 'mommy' and 'daddy' when speaking with your pet has absolutely nothing to do with your pet being a 'baby', it just means that you love them dearly. I don't compare my pets with anyone's kids because I don't know what it is like to have kids. This doesn't make me a selfish person. I love children. I just can't have them. So where does that love go? Into my pets, of course! My animals have been faithful and loving until the day they died. Too bad I can't say the same for most people's kids that I know.

I really like and appreciate this post- being a woman in her late 20's whose friends just had their 3rd child and working on their 4th (if they haven't gotten one already). I have a husband and a cat- my life is not that interesting and taking 20 pictures of my cat and posting it onto Facebook doesn't get the same reaction as 20 pictures of a person's child does. I have had friends drop me online and off for not being "one of them"- I don't get them because they're somehow more evolved when they're parents. I do feel left out and it's a bad feeling as I want kids but don't have the ability or means to have them. One thing I wish was listed on here was if people say they don't have kids and do want them- PLEASE do not give a list of options of what they can do or, worse, say "Don't worry, it will happen eventually, you just have to keep trying/God will provide/ so-so was in your situation and she ended up having 10." It's insulting to say I haven't looked at my options when I have and to disregard my condition by saying I'm just not ready and nature will tell me when I am. That's insulting! I wish everyone would remember that one when making lists. It's briefly touched on with "you don't know they're situations" but nothing as extensive as I described.

I am incredibly impressed that you, as a parent, somehow managed to empathize so accurately (and generously) with us non-parents. Thank you for this post. You've articulated things I've felt but never found words for - such as the implied assumption that nothing about my life is important or meaningful because having kids is the only thing that matters. The fact that many parents feel this way doesn't make it the universal truth.

I second what Kim said. I'm a non parent and just had a disagreement with my girlfriend (parent) on this topic. She doesn't want to empathize and I just forwarded her this post. Thank you John and everyone else who commented.

I agree. This is an important discussion for society. We are sold the idea that family life is the valid life and superior choice but the fact remains many people are single, by choice or otherwise, some choose not to have children or can't and in my opinion (as a single parent of one) this is also a valid and productive choice for society and one which I was ready to live too. Too much discussion is now focused on the individual (result of marketing/advertising which makes us feel entitled to it all) and too little on how society as a whole functions. Society doesn't need everyone to reproduce and every adult contributes regardless of whether they have reproduced or not. I chose to have my child, I love my child, I am responsible for my child but I could equally have imagined or lived a child free life. People who have kids have no right to be smug over those that don't and unfortunately this is all too common.

I don't think it is judgmental to express how having children has improved or changed my outlook on life. Whether or not it is the right choice for someone else is their choice but why complain about the choices of others and then about how you feel they have judged your choices.

Darryl- if you are dating a parent doesn't that kind of make you a parent too? Maybe not if it's casual but if you are living in the same house then yes... just because the biology isn't there doesn't mean you aren't "parenting"

Let's see Einstein, I believe you've never raised children before now if not mistaken. You don't have to own them to know how your going to raise them. Use your common sense, nobody gets a Master's Degree in this field. By the time you might be lucky enough to excel in parenthood, you're too old to have them and besides, each child will be totally different!

Parents are made to take child development classes. So they do know more than the average chump. Not saying you chumps can't raise a kid, but like you said everyone is different and until you are around one constantly to figure out their wants and needs you honestly don't know sh*t. Also why does everyone even care about people and what they say? It really doesn't matter. So-n-so called me a b*tch. And? Are you one? If not then again I say and? If you are...and you know and accept it, I'll say AND again. People like to turn mole hills into mountains because their lives are boring and they'd rather talk about some ass who said this and that rather than spend that time doing something to make themselves happy. Way to waste so much energy on that person you absolutely don't care about.

Parents are "MADE" to take child development classes? When? Where? I don't know a single parent who has. One even refused nurse advice in the hospital and wanted out of there IMMEDIATELY after she pushed the kid out (and it was her first kid.)

I'm just mad, period. This article made me even MORE angry. Hell is other people. If you are in some way trying to get into my life by injecting your own crazy-boring agenda which is actually JUST MORE YOU, go ahead and forget about it. I'm busy and too busy to even be writing this. Trust me, we were never that close no matter what you felt.

As a non-child having person, thank you for this article. My additional comment is that while having kids might make you a better, more conscientious and empathetic person, it does not necessarily do so. There are plenty of parents that are self-centered, arrogant, mean, and unbearable just as there are with non-kid having persons. Also, being a parent does not make you right about anything, even the best way to raise a kid. I know parents don't like being given advice on parenting (or anything really) by non-parents, but I was a child (and a damn smart one who enjoyed the hell out of his childhood) and have a pretty good idea of what my parents did that worked, and what didn't (such as my parents thinking not letting me have donuts once or twice a year would help me not be fat later in life..yeah that totally worked). So I'm aksing all the parents to put away the smug and at least pretend the having a kid is a normal thing that millions of people do every year, and not something that puts you in a special class of humanity.

I have friends who seek me out for parenting advice because they think I can offer a unique perspective as someone who doesn't have kids. I have no skin in the game. no need to prove my way is the best way. I'm not competing for the golden vagina award.

Ari, you took the words right out of my mouth. My family does this and it drives me insane. I am the only one of my siblings that does not have kids and therefore my plans or opinions on things are rarely taken into consideration.

I get annoyed when people say that my dog Jasper is like my baby. He isn't a baby he is a dog if they haven't noticed. I like animals and he gives me a lot of pleasure he is not there to take the place of a child. As a couple haven't any kids by choice that is our decision and it has nothing to do with anyone else. Someone came to visit us once and made two remarks which really got my back up. One was people who haven't any children must be lonely complete poppycock I know lots of people who aren't lonely who haven't any children including myself. And another comment was what is the use in people getting married if they don't want children my reply to that was I never got married to have children I got married to be with my partner and hopefully have a happy life together. As you most likely have guessed this particular person hasn't been invited back again.

"raising a child is the most important thing a person can do". have you heard that one. no really. out may be the most important thing you have every done but my success its not wrapped up in s little person shaped package!

No.6 "You're so lucky to be able to spend your time and money how you want". Firstly this is patently not true - non-parents have plenty of uncontrollable constraints on their time and finances. Secondly, becoming a parent is a lifestyle choice; you choose to take on the compromises associated with it. Any parent who has ever said this to an infertile couple has clearly never gone through fertility treatment, one of the most financially and emotionally draining things you can ever experience.

Thank you for an insightful and empathetic article. It says what many of us non-parents have wanted the courage to say for a long time.

One thing I've always wondered about is why there are so few books, blogs, whatever, about MEN who are ambivalent about having kids (or don't want them). There are starting to be books about WOMEN who choose not to have children, there's a few blogs about that, but they're still considered somehow "shocking".

Of course, there's plenty of books and articles and websites devoted to the "heartbreak" of not being able to have kids or whatever.

But what I'd like to know is, why are there so few (or none) books and web resources regarding MEN's choices with regards to children? Is it like nobody's interested in talking about it? Or just the shock value is small, since women have so much pressure to have kids, whereas it's less on men (I would guess - I never have felt pressure to have kids, my parents were never pushy about that).

My husband and I don't want kids and I've never wanted kids. It annoys the crap out of me when people tell me about how I'll change my mind about them...implying that my decision not to have kids is the wrong one.

I also have three dogs that I totally love like kids. I get it that they're not my kids, but I still love them like I birthed them myself. (I didn't.) And yes, I know they're dogs and not kids.

You make excellent points.

I just found your blog from a friend of mine, who suggested I read it because we have similar writing styles. Since I obviously think my writing style is brilliant and hilarious, allow me to congratulate you on the same. :-)

I can relate to your comment Lisa. We haven't got kids like yourself people say Jasper our dog is our baby I think no he's not we have him because we are animal lovers and he brings us great joy. We had a relative by marriage on my husband's side come down for the day and she made some remarks about what is the use in her daughter getting married she doesn't want any kids then she went on to tell us her friend had got married for the third time as she must be lonely she hasn't got any kids. As you can well guess I was rather annoyed by then and said in a rather annoyed voice we aren't lonely and we haven't got any kids and we got married to be together and marriage isn't just about having kids anyway. Needless to say I haven't invited her again and if she does ever visit again and makes those type of remarks I will show her the door full stop.

I have heard most of these from my friends with kids, and so I loved this column .

I only say this part because I also do some writing and I would want someone to tell me, not because I'm a smarty-pants. You wrote "forward," when I think you meant to write "foreword." Sorry. I'm a jerk.

Wow. Nice catch! Don't feel bad. I'm not insecure about my horrible grammar skills. As long as you knew what I meant, then I'm still accomplishing what I wanted to accomplish. The homophone has been fixed. Thanks John :)

I know when I say my dog is like a child, I mean he is similar in his bratty ways. The training styles for dogs and small children are also similar but only in the consistency and discipline necessary for good training/upbringing. I have 3 younger sisters and was very involved in helping care for them and there were and are many instances with raising my pup that remind me of when I was trying to 'trick' my sisters into wanting to behave. It is, of course, a very narrow window of similarity, but one nonetheless. I do not think I would be vainglorious enough to claim the pain I experienced raising a puppy is the same as that of raising a child without having at least some experience with children - and without noting that dogs, once they are trained, are virtually all fun and no work after they are 2 years old. Not the case with children!

Wish I could go! But it's a bit hard living in Sydney and all.. gorgeous inspiration, though.You are looking so pretty and I love your post heartily. Great idea to enjoy with friends. Words With Friends

Thank you for this article..I did not feel the impact of not having children when my friends were. I guess I was busy with children all day as a single teacher. NOW I feel it as my friends all start having grandchildren and I hear these things all the time. They talk of the natural evolution of things. You get married and have children, then you watch them marry and now you have your children’s children. All so natural....It makes me sad but I love my friends and I try to understand their side of things. A very well written article...thank you

I think that an article needs to be written for "what dog owners should never say to parents" because it seems that us parents get treated like we are horrible because we did choose to have kids, or if you are adopting, fostering, in the process of trying to get pregnant I will give you a stand ovation because it is friggen hard!

1. Unlike purchasing a pup you can't go into the classifieds and find a "baby" you need to go through sometimes YEARS of work to get to be called a parent. For those of us who did get pregnant we still needed to carry the baby, while it may seem like beauty in a photo it is HARD to do... And labour isn't easy either... SO let us not compare YOUR baby to MY baby.... from the start they are different... It is insulting to have you tell me your dog is your baby... call it anything else, best friend, amigo, the only thing in this world that understands you but not a baby!

2. It is frustrating when someone tells you that they stayed up all night drinking and partying and then had to go to work and are SOOO TIRED! BITE ME! I was up all night with Jr who was sick and I was attempting to sleep I wanted to sleep I was so desperate to sleep I have standing up! So YOU don't get to tell me about your tired cause that is self inflicted and PISSES me off! {on another note... if you too were up all night trying to sleep, studying, working long hard hours WE are in the SAME group WE are tired and WE can flip off the jerks who can't seem to get telling US that their partying ways are ANNOYING!}

3. Is the party kids friendly? Are other people bringing their kids? Hey I like being polite and asking, in fact I ask... is it kids friendly or do I need a sitter? I am cool either way I just thought I would ask. On the flip side just because I have invited you over for dinner, lunch, coffee etc does not mean bring your dog, your pet is not invited, this is my house your dog belongs in your house! Don't bring spike and then say oh is it okay I can't leave him in my car... DAMN STRAIGHT you can't leave him in your car what kind of person does... So don't bring them!

4. Don't bring your pets shopping {this excludes to the pet store} the grocery store, mall etc is not a place to bring your pet... To be honest I would like to go there without my kids but laws state I have to... to those of you who don't get this go shopping with your two dogs who are having a dog fight... all the non-dog owners will give you SUPER fun advice about how you are letting the ENTIRE world down by allowing this to happen, how you are HORRIBLE because you haven't trained them to act properly and even other owners will sneer and glare and whisper my little spike would never behave that way... BUT back to shopping... for the sanitary reasons, and allergies people have be kind to all of us and leave your dog at home!

5. When a place says NO DOGS, i.e.. the Beach DON"T BRING THEM! Just like if a beach says ADULTS ONLY I won't be the jerk off who says screw that I am bringing Jr here I don't care how uncomfortable everyone is when he cries, poops and I need to chase after him... When I take my kids to the beach I don't want dog poo in front of them, or massive dog licks, jumps and more... Just like at an adult beach you want to relax and not hear my kids.

I think people compare because it helps connect but really to us parents it devalues all the blood sweat and tears we have put into making these humans apart of society, when your dog gets old they will be a part of your life... and maybe some friends and family, when my kids get old they {hopefully} will be upstanding citizens and touch thousands of people, maybe be a nurse, dr, police officer, or EVEN VET... but there is so much more pressure to raise a baby human, than a dog... So don't compare.

You have some VERY good points....but some things in your tone are what this whole article was trying to address in the first place. I'm not even a huge pet person, so #1 in this blog wasn't a big deal to me, and I didn't even agree with #4. But a YES YES YES on #2 (and I'm responsible and not a partier...and I do a lot in CHURCH)...and as a single childless woman who didn't WANT it that way #2 CAN really rub salt in the wound. And almost every job I've had has been with children in some capacity or another, and I LOVE being an aunt...but sometimes when I try to share joys and experiences in those areas I still get a SNIDE, "It's still not the same as having your own." Well, DUH, but can't I share about the experiences I DO have? I mean, really.

Kati, you are mean. I hope you are raising children that are learning in school to be accepting, inclusive and impartial because you are not teaching it at home. Your trouble is with Dogs not People that Own dogs. Clearly, you dislike the inconvenience they cause you and the comparison between dogs and children makes your narrow life seem vain and ordinary, because frankly it is. Everyone's is, laugh and move on Kati...

With a mother like you, your children are going to grow up to be lower than dogs. Good christ, woman. You made the choice to pop out "Jr.", who kept you from partying (which, by the way, you seem intensely bitter about). In other words, he's also "self-inflicted".

My hangover will last one day and I'll gripe about it all I want. Don't blame me because your hangover lasts 18+ years.

My husband's dog regularly saves his life by letting us know when he is going to have a seizure. What does your kid do? Oh yeah, scream at the top of his lungs and knock over displays. We will (and legally are allowed to) take her anywhere he goes. Sorry his medical condition is such an inconvenience to you. Are you now going to tell him how he can't know what "tired" is until he has a kid?

Missed the point entirely. If you actually read the article properly (instead of getting angry and defensive) you will realise what was actually said is that when people bring their dogs into conversations, it's because they are trying to relate to you. Trying to relate to a person who bangs on about their kids when you don't have any yet isn't always easy. Give people with dogs and without kids a break! Then you misunderstand the point about moaning that you're tired. The article isn't saying anything about kids not being worth the hard work or that parents shouldn't be proud of them, just simply that it's rude to assume everything revolves around them in present day life.

Dogs are not kids. We know this, but they are special and they do take a lot of work to take care of properly. So you have been to one of those sleep deprived parties where you’ve put the knife in the fridge and the celery in with the silver wear. It is easy to solve the problem of which life should be better, just switch the shoes you have been walking in. I know that whichever pair you just put on that you will be wanting your own back in no time.

aupair, Worldsharer is all about sharing your part of the world. It is about finding a room to stay in when you go traveling. Why live in a hotel when you can share a room in exchange for some help around the house. Maybe you have a spare room and want to meet a new friend from another part of the world.

Regarding #2: "Whoa! I bet you're tired. When I was tired after my daughter was born, I found that pouring coffee directly into my eyeballs was incredibly useful."... better yet, just remove and ignore the whole bit about being a parent completely. It's irrelevant to the situation, so don't try to make the connection period. Being empathetic (not sympathetic) doesn't require it.

Instead, say something like: "Whoa! I bet you're tired. When I was that tired, I found that pouring coffee directly into my eyeballs was incredibly useful."

As an older lady who was never able to have children, I made the decision three years ago to adopt a dog. She has added great joy to my life and I love her dearly. I knew when I got her that my job was to provide, protect, and enjoy her. I know she is not a child. I also know that my life has changed forever. We all have choices and challenges that are not the same as others. Whatever makes a persons life work should be respected and accepted. Life is about choice.

Thank you for this blog. My husband and I are infertile. Last Christmas as we struggled to decide what life path to take, I adopted a puppy from the pound. She saved my life. For now, my husband and I are choosing childlessness with the caveat that either of us can change our mind in 5 years. We continue to redefine what family means on a daily basis - I've since adopted a bird, and we already had a dog and a snake. Both of us are teachers, so we still get to share our hearts and knowledge with amazing little minds every single day. Isn't love what it's all about in the end?

I agree with all of these. Another one not listed above that I HATE is "It is so sad you can't have children, it means you'll never feel real joy and happiness & you'll never know what true love is" You know what? stuff you. I know what happiness & joy & true love is! I don't need to have a baby to know those things.

And yes, in answer to an earlier comment, I would take a bullet for my dog & yes I do say she's my baby girl. She may very well be the only one we ever have. If it wasn't for her, my husband & I probably both would have given up on life a long time ago I also call my nieces & nephews my baby girls & baby boys or princesses & little prince's - does that put them in the same boat as my dog?

And also on the woman who commented earlier saying about things not to say to adoptive parents - I agree! I am sick of telling people that we are fostering & adopting & having them say "why? Don't you want your own baby bad enough to actually try?" We can't afford the 10's of thousands of dollars for IVF here in Australia and even then, with mine & my hubby's fertility problems, it is still only a 5% chance it will work. We do want our own but we have come to terms this will never happen.

The closest we can get right now, is being foster parents, being on the waiting list for adoption & showing our 16 nieces & nephews all the love we can muster.

There is actually a parenting world analogue that helps with this kid/no kid line: parents of multiples/parents of singletons. At exactly the moment any level of parenting smugness starts to kick in, think about the parents out there who have one more [insert age of your child] hanging around. Two newborns, three toddlers, four rounds of the terrible twos all in one shot, etc.

I'm a parent of twin toddlers and spent a significant amount of time in my girls' first year of life trying to make singleton parents feel adequate enough to complain about their kids (Singleton Parent: "Oh wow, I shouldn't complain, I only have one baby." Me: "Oh no, it's fine, all newborns are hard!"). Parents of multiples can fall into the same condescension traps that singleton (mostly first-time?) parents fall into with non-parents. Life in itself is hard, just the circumstances involved are different.

I agree with all of these except #4. When it comes to parties, I don't recall receiving separate invitations as a kid except under when it came to birthday parties for other kids. If you're going to be enough of an adult to host a party (kid-free or otherwise) you can certainly handle setting the parameters of the party. "Please bring a side-dish, don't take the neighbor's spot, oh and leave the kids at home." Telling someone it's a kid-free zone should be no more difficult than telling them you're not accommodating overnight guests or vegan dinner plates.

I have a friend who knows we can't have kids ( infirtility issue) but every time she emails me, every single time, she wishes me to become a mom... I just keep telling myself :"oh,just ignore her" but I do want to slap her :)

so what do you mean by that a little less oversensitive...i'm assuming you are a parent right let me ask you this if your child was to be taken from you ( i won't use to the word die not even in a hypotheitical situation like this one) and i told you that you were oversensitive Jeesh (in other words get over it) would that sit well with you. No....so what gives you the right to say someone is oversensitive especially about an issue that tears your heart out. what my problem is with most parents they figure cause a person don't have kids they don't have feelings and they can just say whatever it may not be important to you but it's important to childless people who would give anything to become parents

I completely agree Anonymous Jeesh has no right to say the childless should try to be less oversensitive. My sister-in-law whom I don't see much now has a very tactless approach to us we have no children ourselves. I had a miscarriage some years ago and suffered bad depression afterwards so we decided not to go in for another baby we weren't that children orientated we married to be companions and have a good life together. She knows this but still comes out with remarks like a person she knows only tried once and got pregnant . I said to my sister-in-law we don't want to know the details thank you very much. At Xmas she came round and said about a TV programme on the Gypsy women who married young because they want to do housework and have a family. I said some people can't have families in a annoyed voice she then started again about how cute Prince George was I thought here we go again. And how there was a new baby next door to her and there hadn't been any babies for years as the woman who lived there previously couldn't have any children ever. My husband said ignore her but I don't see why I should put up with her insensitive remarks. By that time I was completely fed up and let her know how I felt. She hasn't been round since Xmas and I am glad. Just because she thinks having kids is the begin all and end all we don't all feel that way.

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The 'life is meaningless with kids' bit. Can you imagine, you watch people your own age fall in love, settle down, get married and celebrate their love as the best thing that happened to them, then a few years down the line have children. Then someone wonderful walks into your life and the message is 'it's nothing, not real love because you don't have children'. Way to dampen the magic, maybe I should just forget him and and just have kids on my own!

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Great article...you put yourself in your friends'shoes, and it's what we all should be doing to be better humans. My friends and family with kids mostly are lovely, considerate and in no way smug on this subject, but for the others, and there are a few...this says it in a nutshell...thank you!

Well done, man. Well done. I especially enjoyed #3. I would add that, in addition to "Indicating to these people that having kids is the only way they will reach some higher level of understanding is both inconsiderate and rude," it also incorrect and kind of ridiculous. -CJ

Calm down folks, that escalated quickly! I must say that I find it extremely hard to believe that if it came down to it, you would take a bullet for an animal, the thing that makes us human is our inherent desire to live and dying for a dog goes against nature. Seriously people, be honest with yourself, your dog, while a member of your family, is a still an animal.

I like animals more than I like people, so yes, I would take a bullet for my dog and wouldn't think twice about it. She goes to the vet before I go to the doctor and if I get a short lunch, I skip eating so I can take her out. My relationship with my dog is just as special and lasting as that of you and your child. Just because you don't feel this way about pets doesn't give you the right to minimize the importance of my bond with my baby.

This article makes me feel more normal! It IS annoying when proud parents unwittingly make you feel your chosen life is less special purely because you are not on the same path as they are. Plus, in a non parent position it is very difficult to say anything about their comments without offence being taken because 'it's the BEST thing that EVER happened to me and I'm PROUD' when all you have really meant is that you are happy with your life just as they are happy with theirs. I'm all for proud parents but a little self awareness goes a long way.....thanks for this well balanced article :o)

Thank you so much for this! My dog is 100% my furbaby, and I do plan to have a child within a couple years. I'm so interested to see the balance I strike. I still believe that I'll be able to snuggle my furbaby along with my real one. :)

I'm so glad I found your blog, I almost find myself cheering along with some of your posts! I nominated you for a Liebster Award, you can read about it here: http://doubledoorranch.com/2014/03/19/liebster-award-nomination/

Thanks for the article it's good to know from reading other non parents comments that i'm not the only dealing with the irritation that parents tell us on a regular basis. here's one of my irritations sometimes moms especially act like because they are a mom that they have the answer to everything. 2+2= 4 and i know this because i'm a mom, the sky is blue and the grass is green and i know this because i am a mom. ok i am exaggerating but you get what i'm trying to say it's annoying as hell when they become an expert on everything, not just parenting issues

I have to say - this sentence is SO TYPICAL of the patronising BS that non-parents get from their former friends it makes my blood boil: "So when "so and so" offhandedly, and perhaps awkwardly, tries to relate to your story about picking poo out of your bangs by comparing it to scraping dog shit out of the carpet, cut her some slack. She's just trying to be nice. And she misses you." Consider this: Maybe so and so is sick to DEATH of hearing about your poo and vomit stories – who cares?? Pick a better topic! Maybe so and so is NOT trying to “relate”, maybe she’s just trying to get a word in to break up your moaning or monologing. Why don’t you talk about something apart from yourself or your self-imposed lifestyle for a change and shake things up a bit!Maybe she’s cutting YOU some slack and not the other way round because you have become self-centred, dull and have NOTHING of interest to say!Maybe she’s not “trying to be nice” (Why doesn’t the author add a little pat on the head and a “there there” for the childless masses he so clearly pities). Maybe so and so does miss you because you have had the new parent personality lobotomy they have seen in so many and spending time with you has become frankly – a BORE. This article may seem to mean well but it stinks of the condescending attitude it is trying to dissuade others from adopting.

Sorry John but I have to agree. And damnit when did all the daddy bloggers start coming out of the woodwork?????? Holy HELL!!! CAN we PLEASE talk about more important matters???? CAN WE PLEASE bring attention to things that DESERVE more attention.....um.....300 missing little girls perhaps? A woman who is about to be killed for being a damned christian? I mean come on!

Perhaps if you no longer like the people that your friends have become now that they have children, you should cut off the friendship altogether instead of asking them to pretend they're something they're not just to keep you happy. If your friends disgust you so much with their decisions, why are you friends with them in the first place? It sounds like you're not a particularly good friend, anyhow.

I'm not a parent, and I only have a few friends who are parents, but I have plenty of friends who like to talk about subjects that I cannot relate to and/or have little to no interest in. Do I get a little tired of hearing yet another story about so-and-so's latest achievement/struggles in their "exciting" (to them, anyhow) hobby or career? Yes, but I listen and try to find something in it that I can relate to, rather than being an asshole because what they're saying doesn't relate to ME. You sound like an incredibly rude, nasty, self centered, and as a result, hypocritical friend. I hope this is just your internet personality, but you may want to get this anger out in a healthy manner before it destroys your relationships.

I support my friends in whatever decisions they make, and I expect them to do the same for me. Sometimes we all need to be reminded that not everyone finds whatever-our obsession-is as fascinating as we do, but if someone is so repulsed by hearing me talk about something I love (both the positive and negative aspects of it) then I don't particularly want them in my life (and vice versa). Do your friends a favor and either find a way to relate to their current life, or stop being a part of it.

Oh please, like the majority of parents would take a bullet for their child? The majority of parents don't even get up and make that same child a nutritious meal and I am supposed to believe they would take a bullet for little Junior?

Parents make me laugh at the crap they say because they are afraid of what they truly think deep down inside.

A little honestly among parents and non-parents would go a long way to help with the problem here.

My life didn't have meaning until you had kids, then try be the person or dad who had his life be taken from him without any due course other then vindictive lies. Yep i am sick of that! being told how meaningless to my own child i am. So fuck all you bastard liar hypocrits. Take my child and you take my life, thereby you take all our lives, we will not stand for it anymore,pieces of shit!!

Yep. I know where you're at Sandon. The people who are SO ecstatic about having a kid are 1) still in the honeymoon phase of it 2) in the "I'm getting my ego stroked because they love me SO OOOOO much and hug my wittle neck and say I wuv you daddy (cause they need to be fed) or 3) they happen to have given birth to a Cyborg who simply does nothing but take up space so as to give the illusion that they are "good" (they really don't give a crap about you either). Just wait till they get tossed out like everyone else. The song won't remain the same I can assure you.

Thank you for writing this and making others aware of how rude and condescending they come across when they say the very things that you have posted here. Honestly, when parents compare all they have to do against a person who doesn't have kids, they come across as bitter. You'll never convince me that they are happy. They have made it into some esoteric thing that comes across as very superior. People who do this need to turn the tables a bit and ask themselves how they would feel if a more educated person repeatedly reminded them that they did not have the wherewithal to get an advanced degree and therefore they have no idea what it's like to be in that position, etc. I mean, really, being a parent is not rocket science. Some of the dumbest people on earth reproduce and raise kids. When did it become such a badge of honor to be a parent? I'll tell you when: When people realized they weren't happier with kids and now that they have them they are just plain miserable, and want to "bond" with other "miserable" (with superficial happiness for others to see) parents. It's like a job where all the employees are miserable. That's when people bond! Do people not realize this? It's the adversity that brings you together. Everyone is just too busy trying to convince everyone else, particularly those who don't have kids, how wonderful their lives are now that they have kids. But the world has caught on. It's time to give it a rest.

Why are people without kids obsessing over the behavior of people with kids anyway? I got pregnant (by accident) at 30 and, before that moment, I never paid any thought to what people with kids were doing or thinking. Why are you?

I am now happily married with two kids and wouldn't trade it for the world but if you don't have kids, stop obsessing over this and move on with your life.

Try having "Are you married? Do you have children? But how long have you been married for? How old are you? Don't you want children?" by your beautician whilst having a wax. This happened to me about an hour ago.

You may have the right to apply hot wax to my private parts, you do not have the right to question my life decisions.

I like the second point the most. It applies to almost everything in life, not just parenthood. People often try to invalidate other people by using statements like that. "You think being a student is hard? Try working for a living!" No, they aren't working 40 hours or so at a job for a living. Working can be very difficult. But so is being a student. It is a different type of difficult. Different does not mean less.

If I hear the "You think you're tired/stressed/etc. Wait until you have kid" line one more time, my eyes may just fall out of my skull from all of the eye-rolling I do. It's merely a less self-centered way of saying "Look at me! Your pain/exhaustion/stress is invalid. Look at me!" People are entitled to the emotions they experience regardless of the situation of someone else. A parent's exhaustion does not invalidate my own. It's nice to see someone else actually acknowledging how insulting this way of thinking is to other people.

Pets are absolutely not children. My dog is loyal, obedient, and would never hurt or betray me. A child will, nine times out of ten, grow into a disobedient brat that will break your heart at every turn.

I was in a wheelchair for six months following a horrible accident. I had been in and out of several surgeries, and dealing with lawyers. A friend asked how I was doing. I said "well, my arms are really tired. Frankly, I'm exhausted." Then, she actually said, "think YOU'RE tired? Try having a kid."Seriously. She said that.Why did she even ask? Why didn't she just say "The physical and emotional pain you have suffered after such a traumatic experience is completely trivial compared to my child, which I CHOSE to have."So many parents lose sight of all tact.

I have 2 children & 2 dogs, i tell everyone i know that they are the exact same. i have to feed them, clean up after them, and chase them around the backyard. all 4 of my children make me laugh, make me mad, and make my heart break when they are sick. dogs are kids and don't let anyone tell you other wise.

also - the one about partys, i will never assume to know what someone has in store for their party. i pretty much always assume my dogs aren't welcome but since most of my friends also have children, it could go either way. i love to go to "adult only" parties, and sometimes when i ask, i'm hoping the answer is "please find a babysitter", but it's always better to ask then to assume anything.

Oh, and one last note - 2 kids (one who is mentally challenged) 2 dogs (one with only 3 legs) full time job, husband, and someone of a personally life (complete with hobbies) - energy to spare. I can't stand parents who complain that their children are making them tired. I ride bikes, skate, hike, run, the list goes on. parenthood doesn't make you more tired, sore, happy, fullfilled, or what ever else. parenthood simply make you a parent, how you view your life and how you live your live will decided everything else.

Nonsense. If your pets are equally difficult to raise as your kids, that's called BEING NEGLIGENT. No wonder you have energy to spare. Flake out on your kids' complex human needs if you must, but dont try to mislead people into the erroneous notion that "dogs and kids are the same." Simply unbelievable!

Dogs are better than kids. At least when I tell my dog to do something, she listens. Dismissing something as ridiculous simply because you do not agree doesn't make you a good person. I like animals more than I like children, you don't see me telling you what to call your child based on my perspective.

The thing I cannot stand hearing is "Why are you waiting to have kids? If you wait you will never have them". This usually comes from someone who had kids in a bad situation and it made it harder for them to provide. I am sympathetic to those people because I grew up with very little because my parents had to work hard and lived paycheck to paycheck. I just want a better life for my child, so because I have been married 3 years does not mean I have my ducks in a row. Given I might never get my ducks in a row, but altogether throwing out the idea that I cannot be stable AND have children is so pessimistic. It is almost as annoying as when people ask me where I get my protein (I am vegan).

This is true... but I can't help but think if I do have kids I will then move into the arena of being judged by all the other parents on how I want to raise my kids: what food I feed them, the clothes the wear, whether or not I breast fed or used cloth or disposable diapers. Its a never ending battle.

This is true. AND not only do you get to get judged, told what to do, sleep deprived, puked on, do homework for 18 + years all over again and listen to someone tell you they hate you for about 10 to 20 of those years BUUUUUUUUUTTTTTT........you ALSO get to pay a million dollars for it too!!! YAAYYYYYYY!!!

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this whole article was written by an idiot, you have a kid your whole way of life shifts. if you dont have or want kids fine but dont act like every one. of those thins the author isn't the truth. my blood boils when when people( never with children) call dogs their babies, people treat their pets better then we treat the homeless its friggen disgusting. and we ask if the party is kid friendly because we dont want to impose on you, sorry you feel guilty for being such a jerk. i thought i was stressed before i was a dad , try having an infant scream bloody murder so loud you cant think for 6 hour stretches. i dont blame you for being single or not having a kid i blame you for being a jerk about it

If your blood boils from what other people think about their own pets than I think you have a problem. We all know that dogs are not a baby, but in all honestly they feel like a baby to us. They are fully dependent on us to live and be happy, we get to raise them and make them a part of our family. Even after having kids I view my dog as "one of my babies" even though he isn't on the same level as the kids.

It is not disgusting we treat our dogs better than the homeless, our dogs provide us with companionship. Your point makes it equally disgusting to be treating our kids better than the homeless because we decided to bring and support a life in the world when there were plenty of others who could use help.

"I thought I was tired before I became a dad...." You do realize this article is about you, do you not? For the record, anytime a new parent pulls the 'you don't know tired until you have a kid' card I want to punch them in the throat. I'm a vet tech at an emergency clinic and I regularly work 16 hr days listening to mewing, barking, screaming, etc. I know what the fuck tired feels like, I'm just not such an arrogant prick that I feel the need to one up everybody. Also, my dog is my baby, and you're right, there is no comparison between mine and yours because my furbaby protects me, loves me, and is loyal beyond belief. And when I take my dog out in public, she actually listens when I tell her to be quiet. So no, I don't feel the need to be lectured by some narcissistic ass hat who thinks he is entitled to judge others because he impregnated someone. I'm sure you had a really rough day of folding laundry and watching baby Einstein, but please stop lecturing people on what 'truly' tired feels like, it makes you sound like a dick.

Go back. Read the article again. Try to comprehend the meaning rather than just reading the words. Repeat until you understand that this article is about you.

Compassion is compassion (and it sounds like you are seriously lacking it). I was taught to care - about just about everything everything. The same capacity for love that drives me to give my animals the best possible care (which, yes, makes me feel rather parental) is the same one that drives me to help change society for the better so that no person goes without food, shelter, or adequate health care. It's this same capacity for love that allows me to be sympathetic - rather than angry - when an exhausted mother (or father) tries to shush their screaming child in a public setting, even though I spent the previous night - and most nights in general - attempting (and failing) to sleep due to extreme anxiety and the child's screams are making my already existent migraine ten times worse.

There are people who constantly struggle with PTSD as a result of extreme trauma who are much more exhausted than most parents, yet they will probably recognize that when you say you are tired as a parent you don't want to hear, "You think *you're* tired from this self imposed lifestyle? Try having constant stress and worry forced on you over something you didn't choose so that you are completely unable to sleep for months!" Echoing Anon @ 7:34, as well, many people work stressful, physically and/or mentally exhausting jobs - many people work multiple stressful jobs simultaneously. Tired is tired, and sleep deprivation has essentially the same effect on people regardless of the underlying cause.

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I don't blame you for marrying or for having unprotected sex resulting in the production of your offspring, I blame you for your complete and utter lack of empathy and for being an ass about it.

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Interesting article. I appreciate the sentiment as people say these kinds of things to me on occasion (as I don't have children). However, the tone of the article seems to be saying, "Yes, your life becomes more meaningful and important when you have children, just don't say it out loud." So I kind of feel like the writer missed the whole point. As a person with kids YOUR life may have needed children in order for you to realize certain things, but do not project your need to have children to have those experiences, on others. Some people don't have kids because they have already found a great deal of depth, maturity, and unconditional love in their hearts without having children; life has already dealt them profoundly deep and difficult experiences without having children; their hearts have already been stretched by experiences you know nothing about. So don't assume that not having kids means you don't know what these varied experiences are that you attribute to parenthood. You simply can't know what life is like for another human being, with or without kids.

Well put... But I think to anyone who read this and is empathetic and can relate, we realize that the article isn't specifically about dogs vs. Children... Its about the danger of assuming, competing, being unaware and/or selfabsorbed

I feel there's a profound lack of understanding about "choosing" to have kids. Yes, it's a choice. Yes, parents are 100% responsible for that choice. But as a parent, I don't think it's really possible to know what you're getting into by making that choice. People say it's hard, that it's the hardest thing you'll ever do. But I've done "hard" things. I've babysat. There's nothing that could've given me a clear view of what being a parent is actually like. No one could have possibly described the experience adequately. In other words, I really wouldn't consider it choosing at all. I would say it's something that happens to you.

I would hope non parents would go easy on us. Yeah we chose it, but we didnt know what we were choosing, at least those of us who take our jobs as parents seriously. "It takes a village" and we dont have one. Parents can be rude, but you certainly don't need kids to be rude.

I'm aware of the sensitivities listed in the article and am glad to say I haven't violated them. But when a pet owner preemptively tries to depict having kids and having pets as the same in any way, I find it incredibly insulting. There was even a poster in these comments who had both pets and kids, and said they were the same. That may be true in a way for very young children, but I hope for the sake of those kids that that parent figures out how terribly wrong that position is. I was "raised" by a mother who thought parenting was easy. She was criminally negligent and my siblings and I continue to raise ourselves.

Wow, you parents sure have it tough! I mean, you babysat that one time, so you totally knew it was hard, but actually having a kid is sooo much harder! Ugh. Do you know what I find insulting? The fact that some whiny, entitled bitch with an obvious superiority complex thinks her baby is more important than my baby. My furbaby, of course. What do you want, a medal? You had sex, got pregnant, and pushed out offspring. Lots of animals do the same. You were right about one thing, though. There is a difference between your kid and my dog. My dog is a constant companion, my protector, and yes, my baby. She will always be the sweet, loving, obedient girl she is today. Your kid, on the other hand, will most likely grow up into, well, you. Egotistical, dismissive, narcissistic, callous, and arrogant. Congrats on adding another body to an already overpopulated planet, you arrogant, sanctimonious bitch.

Emotionally, it's incredibly similar. There's also the fact that both require a huge amount of time, training, care/love, food, water, and activity in order to be happy, healthy, and well behaved.

Personally, I know (pretty much) what I will be getting into when I become a parent, or at least I will be prepared for the fact that (who would have known?) it's not a walk in the park. Yes, parenting is difficult - that does not change the fact that you still chose that lifestyle. If someone does not realize that being a parent is a full time, permanent job that requires 110% of their emotional, mental, and physical efforts, perhaps they need to wait to be a parent until they comprehend this.

I'm not sure what you're getting at by pointing out that parenting is hard. You may want to check yourself, because you say you've never violated these sensitivities, but this comment sounds very much like, "You think your life is hard - living life with kids is *so* much harder." Which, maybe it is - for you. Getting a PhD in neuroscience is also incredibly difficult, but that doesn't mean anyone who hasn't done it "doesn't know what hard is". Struggle and difficulty is all a matter of perspective.

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I have #6: Don't say anything at all about your kids because the average person you know, work with, golf with, lunch with, bowl with, doesn't give a crap about your kids and doesn't want to hear all your cutesy, silly, stupid little stories about them.

There is actually a large segment of society that is NOT AT ALL interested in your rug rats, tries to be polite when you chatter on endlessly about diaper rash, spit ups, how much *everyone in the world adores your kid* and so forth, but it is because their mother taught them better manners than your mother taught you.

So, get over yourself and your brats. Please. We don't love 'em, want to talk about them, we don't find them at all interesting and wish you'd simply stop boring us to tears constantly yakking about them.

So put a lid on it and learn to talk about something else for a change! >:( !

This. So much this. I cannot stand people who think their child is just the cutest! No, when your child is running around a restaurant putting their dirty little hands on everything, running around like wild animals, screeching because they can't have dessert, or any number of other things, you should be ashamed, not googley eyed as you recount your "lunch" and finish up with a typical "hehe, little tommy is just so full of life!" ....your child is awful and so are you.

If you have such a strong dislike for something that is so prominent in a friend's life, perhaps you should rethink your friendship. Many of my friends have jobs/hobbies/obsessions that I have little to no interest in, yet it would be incredibly rude and narcissistic of me to ask them to never talk about it simply because I find them "boring".

I'm not a parent, by the way, I'm just astonished by the fact that you have so little respect for your friends that you want them to be silent about an important aspect of their life simply because it does not interest YOU. For all you know, your stories/conversations could be boring them to tears, because it's about something that you like but they do not. If your friends truly aggravate you so much that you can't bring yourself to care about their lives, it's probably time to do them a favor and remove yourself from the friendship.

In my experience, I've found that my friends and family members that are parents enjoy my company, as a non - parent, because I bring out the pieces of their lives that aren't parent centered. Advances in career, education, volunteerism, activism, etc. Also define a person, I am better able to relate to those topics, and encourage them to talk about them. Of course, I love hearing about the tikes and stresses of parenthood too, as those experiences have also shaped my love one. I think the parents enjoy that they are viewed as whole people, rather then extensions of their children by way of parenthood.

For all of those complaining about #1... "She is trying to relate to you and be a part of your life – the life where all you do is talk about your kids.".... That's it, that's alll... she is trying to RELATE to you, trying to re-establish the friendship you once had where you talked about things that you once had in common. It's not about comparing raise a dog vs child.. it's about trying to RE-CONNECTING PERIOD.

I'm 30, married and childless. My husband and I don't want children and the things people say to us (me mostly) are at times horrendous. I have been called selfish (I'm not sure how that works as our child... uhm, doesn't exist) and that I "would be a bad mother" anyway because I "hate children". I don't hate kids, actually. Not wanting to have kids doesn't mean I hate them. Don't tell your 4 year old to stop "bothering me" because he wasn't. We were just talking about dinosaurs.

Just because I choose not to have kids doesn't mean you are allowed to be rude about the subject. Things still hurt my feelings, people. Believe it or not, I'm not cold and dead inside. I am constantly asked why I don't want children and I honestly don't have a great answer for you. I just don't. I know that's not what you want to hear. You want me to say something like, "OMG, they just like poop and cry and like, I don't have time for that!" so you can roll your eyes and tell me how much I'll regret it all the while implying how you're a much much better person than me because you had a baby.