Shaquille O’Neal arrests perverts

Remember when Shaquille O’Neal announced he wanted to be a U.S. marshal? Turns out he was serious. The 7 foot giant has reportedly helped make 30 busts against child pornography offenders, saying:

“I do not have to run after the people or tackle them. They always surrender peacefully,” Shaq recently told Webster Hall’s Baird Jones. “And I’m never afraid. When I arrive, they are really already under arrest.” Shaq says he’s not in it for the glory. “I am not a hero . . . My father was my hero growing up. He was an Army drill sergeant and an FBI agent.”

I look forward to the day one of the silly perverts decides to run from the cops only to have Shaquille O’Neal swoop in and bite him in half. Because that’s what giant people do. They bite other smaller people in half. It’s like their trademark.

I thought a person had to smile with their entire mouth to pass a psychological clearance. But that’s whacky ol’ Shaq, entertaining and detaining at the same time. I think it’s interesting he made the point he’s never afraid physically based on ideological grounds – they’re already under arrest. This means Shaq is also a philospher. Wow. Entertaining, detaining, and explaining. A renaissance man who happens to be backed up by several heavily armed coworkers and a helicopter.

I was taken hostage by the Albanians. Before I was released I was given a choice. Listen to Shaq’s greatest hits the whole way through or eat a bucket of dirty toenail clippings. I opted for the CD and half way through I wish I had chosen the bucket.

Shaq is fabulous! He witnessed someone throwing a bottle out of their car at a gay couple walking down the street in miami and followed the car while calling the police to report it, just to make sure they got caught. I don’t think anyone would understand him while he reads them their rights though…