Columnist

Me? A lot of lying on Newport beach with the kids while people rubbed me with wet clothes and made mewing noises while they tried to roll me back into the surf, a fair bit of reading and writing, a quick trip to the US to do a very unsettling TV story, and that's about it. It was good to have the break and it's great to be back. I look forward to the year ahead, and thanks for reading this column, even if you do so only because you want to see what outrageous thing I've come up with this week. Speaking of which …

I'm a believer

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I think Julia Gillard can win. It is not likely, mind, and I suspect she is only a 30 per cent chance, but I maintain a True Believers II election is at least a possibility. In the time between now and September 14, it goes without saying they must focus on governing well, but there is another obvious star to steer by: Do It Like Barack Obama Did It. Embrace progressive policies and stitch together your own coalition of people who want change, not same old, same old.

Don't run away from the carbon tax - glory in it. Point out that while Rome is burning, Australia is actually at the forefront of trying to douse the flames. Ramp up the republic. Sure, that will annoy the conservatives, but that's just a bonus! Highlight that the National Disability Insurance Scheme really is a breakthrough for those Australians who've been dealt a bad hand, through no fault of their own.

And one more thing: put gay marriage back on the agenda. Yes, the PM has opposed it, but so did Obama, before having his position ''evolve''. So must hers. When even the British Conservatives can embrace sanity and thumpingly endorse gay marriage as they did this week, how can the ALP possibly position themselves as the party of progressive change and still be against it?

Quiz

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses. How does he indicate what he wants?

Angels and lemons

While we were out over the summer, a weird cruise took off from Sydney, specifically devoted to ''celebrating the 10th Anniversary of the Angel Intuitive … the only in-person certification course offered by Doreen Virtue throughout the world''. For, you see, ''Certified Angel Intuitives (AIs) are powerful psychics and healers who work primarily with the angelic realm … Many AIs have experienced miracles that have transformed their lives and helped them pursue their passions and life purpose … Many now work both in Australia and internationally as clairvoyants, psychics, angel readers and workshop facilitators.''

Stop laughing! This is serious! ''This course unlocks your abilities to see, hear and speak with the angels.'' So, what do you say? Should it be legal to advertise such stuff, and take money from poor saps who hand over their hard-earned in order to speak with angels? And, more importantly, should those who actually pay money for this, thereafter be allowed to vote, drive a car, hold sharp objects? I say no, to all of the above.

Joke of the week

A new man is brought into prison cell 102. Already in the cell is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says: ''Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Bill Gates. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.''

The new man asks: ''What happened?''

''One day Bill Gates reported his credit cards missing!''

Quiz answer

Its' really very simple. He opens his mouth and asks for it.

We love a Lynch

Look, I know you don't care that one of Tony Abbott's former schoolmates has recently had published as an e-book an illustrated adventure novel for weird adults or strange kids, called Jim of a Particular Part of the Jungle, which is now downloadable through xoum.com.au.

But what if I told you the bloke in question is Reg Lynch, who illustrates this column, and Abbo and his pals at Riverview used to throw oranges at him for being with the arty crowd?

The novel is about a bloke who thinks he's the Phantom … and it is most definitely not based on the Opposition Leader!

They said ...

"@HMRichardIII: Henry Tudor once said he wanted to build a car park in Leicester. I told him, 'Over my dead body'."This gag tweet emerged last Tuesday.

"I once had a boss who said: 'You can't have your cake and eat it, so you have to step up to the plate and face the music.' It was in that moment I knew I had to resign before somebody got badly hurt by a pencil."''Tim of Durban'', a reader of BBC News, comments on an article about mixed metaphors in office jargon.

"A flaming paper bag full of poop left on the doorstep on your mind."A movie reviewer takes a dim view of Movie 43, which stars, among others, Hugh Jackman and Naomi Watts. It may be the worst movie of all time.

"I couldn't do it. I just failed and failed, time after time. I'd win for a few days then I would have a cigarette and feel terrible and racked with guilt, and I would get stressed out and have one again."A tearful Chrissie Swan after being photographed smoking while seven months pregnant.

"I think Mr Thomson and his lawyer need to calm down a bit. After all, the allegations ... are that he was too ready to take his clothes off in front of strangers."The NSW Premier, Barry O'Farrell, defends the police who strip-searched Thomson after arresting him.

"The blackest day in Australian sport."Former Australian Sports Anti-Doping Authority chairman Richard Ings on the release of the Australian Crime Commission report on Australian sport.

"It is my intention to submit ... that you, you Mr Obeid, you engaged in a criminal conspiracy. You engaged in that with Ian Macdonald and members of your family, and the design was to effect a fraud on the people of NSW."The counsel assisting ICAC, Geoffrey Watson SC, confronts Eddie Obeid.

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