Jake Gyllenhaal, Ab-solutely Cheezy

By
Liz Kelly

Note: We've had to remove the publicity still posted here today (you can see it here, though) after discovering that it was not an offiicially-sanctioned image.

Maybe because he was "Donnie Darko" I just always expected more from Jake Gyllenhaal. My faith was shaken, though, as he grew out of his gawky phase, buffed up and started palling around with Lance Armstrong. Sure, he's to be commended for his work in "Brokeback Mountain," but it's been four years -- four long years of pix like this and, worse yet, this one with third musketeer Matthew McConaughey.

Because so far the only effect I've ever discerned has been on the casual onlooker. They either lose a meal, skip a meal due to complete loss of appetite or are forced to substitute brain bleach for a meal.

And Jake, the abs definitely need more work.

(is there a friday list here: stars w/potential who turn to cheez when they fall in love)

Hey Liz, you forgot Jake's lead role in Jarhead in 2005. An okay performance in a GREAT movie.

One of the linked pix must really be interesting, because my Net Nanny said NO.

As cheesy as that Jake photo is, be glad that it's not a photo of some old, 20 lb overweight, balding, shirtless cryptid in bicycle shorts. I hear through the grapevine that such a photo was considered for use as an enhanced interrogation technique, but even john Yoo and David Addington considered it to be beyond the pale.

This is kind of like some sort of Patrick Swayze Syndrome (not talking about his current bout with cancer, stick with me - I'm not dissing The Swayze).

At his prime, I remember some critic pointed out that Patrick Swayze's Joffrey Ballet honed, Greek God-like body didn't quite match his "grease monkey" head. (I believe this right around the Chris Farley/Chippendale's skit on SNL, when he was sporting the huge mullet).

So I think we've got a disconnect between the obviously honed physique Jake has been working on (though I'm gonna say Swayze at his peak possessed the better physique :D ), and the Emo and/or Romance Novel Hero soulful look with long hair he's sporting here. Just doesn't quite inspire as much feminine ooooohing and aaaaahing as the Hollywood execs might think.

The first thing that popped into my head on seeing this photo was Jesus of Nazareth. Who was that actor? Robert something.

Anyway, Jake is following the Madonna school of thought -- get into the best shape of your life, have photos taken without clothes, then spend the rest of your life thinking you can get that body back again even though you're older now.

As for the hair, cultivated beard and chest -- bottom line is he looks ridiculous.