Spoof news stories from Saturday 3 April 2010

The Vatican. Pope Benedict XVI granted an audience for the press core today to announce a phenomenal change in church policy.
There is reportedly over seven billion people in the world and one seventh of those are catholic. Just the catholic...

Former Hannah Montana star Miley Cyrus was attacked by US film critics today, and given the critical mauling of her life for her performance in the movie 'The Last Song' in which she shares top billing along with real life boyfriend, Aussie actor Lia...

News is filtering through of a series of crisis meetings held in London today regarding the future of Girls Aloud amid fears that the girls will never reunite in order to complete their remaining three album contractual obligations.
The band, foun...

Washington, DC - Guam is gone. The Pacific Island simply had too many people living on its west coast, and the island tipped over and fell into the sea. Too many sailors were stationed there by the Navy, as predicted by Congressman Hank Johnson (De...

Red scarf wearing Susan Boyle fanatics were last night celebrating the election of their new leader. Lord Kraptakular The Greatest was crowned late last night after a landslide victory of 4.3 million votes, despite there being only two registered vot...

Thyme Magazine this week named Twilight sweethearts Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, along with pop/fashion icon Lady Gaga, among the World's Most Influential People.
Which is comforting to know.
Global celebrations erupted as campaigners...

The Religious Society of Friends, better known as the Quakers, have launched a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against the founders of Facebook for stealing their big idea. Explaining the surprise move, a quaking spokesperson said:
"The Quaker moveme...

AUSTIN - Texas Governor Rick Perry is one mad, angry hombre. The Lone Star gov is hotter than a piece of bubblegum on a Laredo sidewalk in July.
He has just seen the video of hip hop soul singer Erykah Badu which shows her walking down Dallas' Dea...

CREATIONISM, TEXAS: A famous scientist working on the Shroud of Turin, who initially believed it was fake has now stated:
"I absolutely believe that this is the original piece of cloth that was used to wrap the body of Jesus. As a result I have...

Keeping his campaign pledge to either prosecute or release non American citizens regardless of their crimes President Obama hailed the release of 11 Somali pirates who opened fire on the USS Farragut.
"I congratulate the captain and crew of the F...

Meteor, AZ. Tragically the residents of Arizona are running out of room for garbage disposal. Their preference is to send garbage overflows to Texas, a deserving state, but the existing environmental regulations prohibit the transportation of garba...

In a shock move CBS has announced that Tiger Woods is to replace Charlie Sheen on the hit comedy show "Two and a Half Men"
CBS revealed that it had approached Woods management following the infamous "Short Drive" incident outside Woods home last N...

Warrants were issued today by the Dallas Police in response to the publicity stunt by neo soul, whatever that is, artist Erykah Badu.
Ms. Badu staged a music video portraying a strip assassination at the place where John F. Kennedy was killed as...

LONDON - Justin Bieber, the Internet sensation is excited at the prospect of recording a song with Amy Winehouse, whom he refers to as The Queen of Tits and Tats.
Bieber, who is a prodigy of Usher, Bob Dylan, and Neil Young said that he is having...

SAN DIEGO - Jesse James' Cycle Chick #5 has come out of the tattooed woodwork.
The fifth member of Jesse's "TattooGate" Gallery is the Tila Tequila-lookalike Skittles Valentine. A close friend of Valentine says that yes her real name is in fact Sk...

Fargo - Sarah Palin spoke to college students at the University Of North Dakota yesterday reminding them of the importance of parenting.
"While I never studied parentology in University I believe I am a good parent and role model for other young w...

Vatican City - Pope Benedict XVI had wonderful religious experience today, while smoking the Holy Bong. The pontiff needed to relax after washing the filthy feet of some fool in the Vatican's annual foot-fetish ritual. He wanted to have a real reli...

In today's early kick off at Old Trafford, Manchester United, looking lethargic after their midweek exertions in Munich, and soldiering bravely on without talismanic striker, Wayne Rooney, handed the title to Chelsea as the Londoners notched up a 2-1...

The Twilight lovers announced today their Easter plan to cement what is certain to be a six month marriage as well as Hollywood type casting. Not only did they embrace matrimony they formed a joint production company, 'Yabba Dabba doo doo films' and...

A Scottish follower of TheSpoof.com and Twitter has finally realised that some Susan Boyle fanatics are just plain daft.
A regular follower of Twitter, but not the Susan Boyle tweets posted by some crazy twats, he has noted once again that the twa...

Egyptian authorities have been looking for a way to curb a severe paper shortage that has plagued the country for almost 7 months. Shipments of tissue paper products have been suspended by a long-running strike by unions in the US and in South Americ...

Soccer star David Beckham is to take time out from trying for another baby with Posh Spice, in order to join forces with leading cast members of the Twilight movie franchise in a new film about a gay footballer's girlfriend who becomes a dead-ball sp...

The San Francisco chapter of North American Man/Boy Love Association or as it's more commonly known, NAMBLA, held it's first gay pride parade this weekend to coincide with Boy Scout week.
Thousands of little boy loving deviants donned their sancti...

It is alleged that the BNP has been fingered by police as the organisers of a riot at a rummage sale in Brick Lane, London.
So far all reports have been denied, but when pressured by the Daily Mirror one bloke said:
"Here we are, within yards o...

Pretty pop singer, Pixie Lott, has been at the centre of the week's most intriguing story. Her on and off relationship with pancakes, is well-documented, but in recent times the issue has escalated.
FOR:
While doing pre-story research, I was re...

Chelsea boss, Carlo Ancelotti, raised eyebrows recently, revealing that he is actually a fan of his rivals.
The Italian supremo was being quizzed on his tactics, for his side's upcoming title decider against Manchester United, and when asked what...

Srinagar, Kashmir, Northern India. Just before teatime. The Mayor of Srinagar spoke on behalf of his people yesterday when he urged Christian pilgrims to stay away from the Rozabal Shrine of Yus Asaf, because he wasn't really Jesus.
A recent publi...

Nigeria's acting President Goodluck Jonathon is hoping for good luck when he swears in his new cabinet and assigns them portfolios on Tuesday.
We were granted an interview with Goodluck yesterday and after waiting for an hour outside his office in...

Basil Brush the furry little fox who works for the BBC was sensationally arrested this morning at Heathrow Airport.
Basil was on his way to Ireland to participate in the annual Leprechaun Hunt in the small town of Carlingford in Ireland, but his p...

The Labour party's judgement was called into question this week as they decided to bring back Tony Blair to launch their campaign for the forthcoming General Election.
The move, which has turned even more voters off the integrity of our democracy,...

As the unfair dismissal tribunal between a nanny and the one time wife of an insect rumbles into the realms of absurdity, a new argument has arisen between the concerned parties.
Over boobs.
A row raged over who exactly financed a breast augmen...

Is it a bird, is it a plane, no its Superman,and he left planet earth this morning vowing never to return because humans are the hardest race of beings in the Universe to understand.
Just before he left Superman made his farewell speech In London...

LONDON - After weeks and weeks of rampant speculation as to whether or not pregnant X-Factor judge Dannii Minogue would return or not the question has been answered by none other than "The Sultan of Sarcasm" Simon Cowell.
Cowell stated that if he...

DURANGO, Colorado - Chef Gordon Ramsay, who is noted for his fiery temperament and his culinary expletives, was in Colorado where he had made his way to Durango's very popular Colorado Snow Food Diner.
Ramsay was talking to the owner Endicott Swan...

In Siberia, peasants are circulating ducks until they reach elk-speed and then they smash them against each other in an experiment called Large Hardon Collander.
The experiment was started because, based on the number of quacks heard in the air,...

HOLLYWOOD - Dancing With The Star's "Bad Boy of The Ballroom" Maksim Chmerkovskiy [pronounced: CHAT-ta-NOO-ga] and ESPNs Erin Andrews [pronounced: AN-drews] appear to be 'eyeing' more than the first place mirror ball trophy.
The tall dancing coupl...

LONDON - Abbey Clancy, stunning wife of English footballer Peter Crouch, has just been named one of England's top football WAGs.
Clancy joins the likes of Victoria Beckham, Toni Terry, Cheryl Cole, and Coleen Rooney. Great Britain's WAG Federation...

Hollywood Heartthrob, Robert Pattinson, opened up recently about a very intimate experience he had with HIMSELF!
After achieving world-wide fame, Pattinson has had a hard time coming to grips with his new found popularity and -let's not forget- th...

Friday Night With Jonathan Ross on the BBC, although occasionally controversial is not usually the catalyst for a licence-payers' revolt, yet that's what happened last night.
Jonathan Ross interviewed Aaron Johnson, the star of new movie Kick-Ass,...

Judas has spoken out about his betrayal of Jesus.
He tells our reporter the truth behind the story.
Apparently, Judas was a member of a Cult and didn't believe in Jesus at all. He was sent by the elders of the Cult to destroy Jesus' reputation as a 'good guy'.
Judas was recuited by well-known Cult leader Charles Manson, the one with the wierd tattoo on his forehead and the 'evil eyes'.

BLACKBURN, Scotland - Susan Boyle the Scottish singing sensation who had the number one album of 2009, I Dreamed A Dream, has checked herself into London's Our Lady of The English Muffins Hospital.
SuBo, as she is known throughout the free world h...

Washington DC: A consortium of animal rights groups has sued the United States Government in Federal District Court about political party symbols.
The suit alleges that the Republican Party is discriminating against the Democratic Party when it co...

It's said in the Bible that Jesus died and 'arose' 3 days later. Not true. In fact he'd had so much to drink at the last supper that he was quite 'pissed'.
The next day he was still drunk but managed to carry a huge wooden cross up a big hill. It's true, he did stumble a few times but it was because he was bloody well drunk.
When he was 'on' the cross it is said that someone passed up a s...