Last week, on the day that an estrogen test confirmed that I was officially in menopause, I promptly bought an embarrassing amount of Oreos, Cream-O’s, and Presto Peanut Butter Creams (my fave), and sat at my dining room table having a grand old time. My 14 year old daughter, Boo, surveyed my frenzied chewing and the heaps of wrappers surrounding me, and remarked, “Gosh mom, you look like you’re on a PMS binge.” “Nah,” I replied in between chomps. “This is a menopause binge.”

Sarcastic me likes to say that menopause is a “pause from men,” but it’s actually from the Greek words menos (month) and pausis (cease). A developmental milestone in the health of a woman occurring usually between the ages of 51-60, menstruation stops, and estrogen levels decline. In short, menopause is like puberty, but in reverse.

It’s been over two years since I had my last period so I more than suspected that I was already in menopause, chemo-induced or medical menopause that is, due to the chemotherapy I underwent when I had cancer. I’m also on Tamoxifen, a medicine used primarily to prevent a reoccurrence of breast cancer. Earlier this year, I also had mood swings so monstrous that I could swear I was growing fangs and sprouting claws. As for those infamous hot flashes, when my female friends ask me what it feels like, they recoil in horror when I reply, “It feels like I’ve swallowed the sun.”

So the confirmation that I’m in menopause isn’t surprising but my reaction to seeing it spelled out on paper, is. Strangely enough, I am more upset that I’m in menopause than I am about losing a breast. As Whoopi Goldberg famously said, “All those years bitching about my period and when it stopped, I was stunned to realize how much my womanhood was tied into it. It hits you hard.” Reading my estrogen test’s numbers and the corresponding interpretations, all I could feel was sadness: I grieve for the younger woman I used to be.

“But doesn’t it feel great to be free of periods?” I’ve been asked. Frankly, I don’t know because there’s so much of an emotional whirlwind that replaces it. Allow me a minute of self pity when I say that I also feel cheated; cheated that I had cancer that forced me to go through menopause so early. Look at me, I’m Lopsided Lori. I feel a shift in my sense of identity, a loss of control, and somehow I feel older than my age. Could my best years be behind me?

Accepting, Adapting, Staying Active My more pronounced smile lines and streaks of white hair are not the only bittersweet reminders of how time is passing. There was that time that a kid made me feel ancient when she laughingly refused to tell me what dabbing was, saying, “you’re too old to know.” Conversely, I’m grateful to that younger, nicer kid who gamely demonstrated it to me.

I suppose getting older is the price to pay for being able to stick around in this life. Studies have shown that women who go through menopause before age 46 are twice as likely to suffer from heart disease and brittle bones. So I’m taking care of myself through good eating and exercise and enough cheat days to feel sane.

To address my hormonal imbalances, I’ve started seeing a psychiatrist and taking anti-depressants. I can’t tell you how hopeful and positive I’ve become now that I have a professional watching over my emotional health; it has made all the difference in my my quality of life. My Bin says even my fangs and claws have receded. To avoid feeling weighed down by daily realities, I often ask myself what I want my days to look like, because as writer Annie Dillard once said, ““How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.”

So I spend my days trying to be as productive as I can, honing my skills and making good art, be it writing, photography, or cooking. And when I can’t work, I rest. Because it is in periods of peace that the flames of my creativity are stoked.

As I get to know this newer me, I’m starting to see that the true gifts of menopause are twofold: finally being comfortable in my own skin and having little tolerance for BS. I’ve earned this, and knowing it may be the secret to sparkling in midlife. I’m starting to understand that I am gracious but also (deliciously) bitchy and accepting that it’s okay to be so. If people can’t deal, then carry on.

Now that I’m truly in menopause, I grieve for the younger woman I once was and prepare to be worthy of the older, wiser woman I’m becoming. To celebrate, I got my cartilage pierced, something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. Today, I remember to laugh always and relish distinct pleasures, large and small. Above all, I remember this:

Comments

Lori, I really enjoyed this article….. 🙂 I’m 49 in October and already in the midst of peri-menopausing. Thank goodness the former “ex New Yorker, intense, impatient & emotional bitch-on-wheels” in me has toned down remarkably, even while am undergoing this milestone in my life! Might have to do something with the fact that I’m doing yoga 4X a week, meditating daily, living my passion through my online store for natural remedies called Easy Cures and surrounding myself purposely with people who uplift me, but who are also honest with me. I’ve noticed this year the signs of ageing, especially in the need for more sleep and quiet time in my days. My face is probably showing signs of mid-life as well, but I try not to dwell on it too much. I remember being a hot, young studette in my 20’s. Those were the days. Hahaha! Let’s see how much my forever young spirit can counter the physical ageing. Am happy to hear that you are on top of things and coming to terms with this part of your life. I think the best thing about approaching this age is really the ability to say to myself and to everyone: “This is who I am (love the woman I am) and this is how my life is going to be…..”. You either fit in it, or you don’t! Am happy and at peace with it, either way. It’s an amazing gift to be free, from all the pressures and expectations of society. I never wore shorts as a child because I was conscious of my thighs. I wear shorts to yoga now, comfortably, I might add. 🙂 Sending you thoughts of health, wellness and happiness. Be well, stay well!!!

Enjoy this.😊 As I’ve aged, I’ve become kinder to, and less critical of, myself. I’ve become my own friend. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world, too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging. Whose business is it if I choose to read, or play on the computer until 4am? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60s, 70s & 80s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love, I will. I will walk the beach, in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, or deemed inappropriate for my age and will dive into the waves, with abandon, if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set. They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful. But then again, some of life is just as well forgotten and, eventually, we remember the important things. Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break, when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody’s beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength, and understanding, and compassion. A heart never broken, is pristine, and sterile, and will never know the joy of being imperfect. I am so blessed to have lived enough to have my hair turning grey, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and too many have died before their hair could turn silver. As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being older. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day (if, I feel like it).

Tess- Thank you for taking the time to share your wisdom here. Becoming kinder to oneself, more freedom, and being more positive are all gifts of getting older. And, like you, I can eat dessert every day if I choose to.

Hello Ms. Lori! I’m a long time follower of DCF. Allow me to share with you my latest obsession: Essential Oils. I’m not sure if you are familiar with it. Essential oils can help you with the symptoms that comes with menopause. Cancer patients can also use EOs to boost their immune system and support them during chemo. The possibilities are endless with EOs. You can google it and check youngliving.com.

Wow, Lori. You have gone through so much, but you did it with grace and you did it your way! I am so proud of you. I look forward to seeing and witnessing (even via online if that is the only privilege I can have) your new journey.

What an eye-opening post Lori! And, as always, so generous with what you share with us all. I didn’t see any fangs when last we saw each other…in fact you looked awesome!! Glad to hear you are taking care of yourself so well…big virtual hug from me. Hope to see you again soon!

Welcome to the Early Menopause Club! There are cookies (because why not), and boxing gloves (release the anger!) in your welcome package. I got the bad news this year right after I turned 41, and it has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride. I’m glad I was already on antidepressants, but haven’t gotten on any kind of hormone replacement therapy. There are downsides (adios, libido, I hope to see you again soon), but the upsides have been exactly what you said: I no longer have any fucks to give.

It’s oddly freeing, going into menopause. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still like to look pretty and feminine and wear makeup, but I also do not give a poopsicle wearing my bathing suit without a coverup, or wearing shorts even though I haven’t waxed in weeks. I’m fat, I have stretchmarks and cellulite, and my legs are scarred up. But I don’t care because I’m 41, I’m confident in myself, and quite honestly, I have other things to worry about. Like hot flashes. And night sweats. UGH.

In any case, I loved this post. And really, welcome to the club because it’s not all bad. I’m happy to be menopausal if it meant that I am FINALLY accepting of myself – flaws, awesomeness and all.