Mitchell Johnson

“We set the game up with our batters and I just thought we bowled really well as a team. We felt there was enough in the wicket. I guess when plans come off it’s really nice. I was very nervous, very pumped up. There’s a lot riding on this series. It’s very good to go 1-0 up. My body doesn’t take fast bowling as well any more now that I’m in my thirties, but bowling short spells is what I’m here for: to be the intimidator.”

Michael Clarke

“We knew how tough a team South Africa were and you certainly felt that on the field, especially as a batsman ... You have to be on from ball one and I think we were ... Yeah look, Mitchell has been outstanding since he came back into the team. He’s at the top of his game: he has good pace and he has amazing skill as well ... It’s not every day you beat the No1 team in the world, so we have to enjoy that and we’ll be ready for the second Test.”

Graeme Smith

“We’ve been outplayed from word go, so credit to Australia. We didn’t meet our own expectations, so the next few days are important to reflect and train hard ... It seemed to be one of those games: bowlers picking up niggles, food poisoning and so on ... Credit to Mitchell Johnson, he bowled with huge intensity and put us under a lot of pressure. No excuses: we’ve got to front up and man up ... AB de Villiers showed tremendous skill ... We need to get ourselves right for the second Test and get ourselves to the level we usually perform at.”

The post-match presentation

With two matches to play, the series score is Australia 1-0 South Africa. This has been an awesome performance from Australia. Mitchell Johnson was Man of the Match by a Townsville mile, of course, but Steve Smith, Shaun Marsh, Alex Doolan and David Warner all had superb games. Johnson is bowling astonishingly well: in six Tests since his recall he has 49 wickets at 13.14, with a strike-rate of 27.1 and an economy rate of 2.90.

South Africa thought Johnson would tear into them. They had no idea. It would be unwise to write off the world’s No1 team after one game. But it’s really hard to see how they can come back from a brutal beating like this – especially as there are only four days between Tests. They could do with four months to recover from the shock of this match. This is mental disintegration gone mad. And it’s a rare privilege to watch.

AUSTRALIA WIN BY 281 RUNS AND LEAD 1-0

That final wicket. Morkel came back for a ridiculous second run and was barely in the frame when Haddin broke the stumps. Haddin was so on the ball, however, that he then threw the ball down the other end in an attempt to run out Philander, just in case. The ball flew away to the boundary but by then Richard Illingworth’s finger was up.

WICKET! South Africa 200 all out (Morkel run out 1)

Philander drives Harris twice for four, both shots prompting a blast of Blurred Lines on the tannoy. Maybe Robin Thicke has been the man behind the camera between overs. Philander then pulls round the corner, and Rogers saves three runs with a wonderfully unnecessary diving stop.

Then the game in bizarre circumstances! Australia have demolished South Africa by 281 runs.

59th over: South Africa 189-9 (Philander 17, Morkel 0)

Ten of Johnson’s 12 wickets have been in the top seven, which makes this even more impressive than his work in the Ashes, when he often obliterated the lower order. This triumph is not just about Johnson, or Darren Lehmann: I think Australia have won their last 10 Tests with Craig McDermott as bowling coach, and most have involved nasty fast bowling. Anyway, back on the field, Philander goes down swinging by hooking Siddle for four and six.

58th over: South Africa 178-9 (Philander 6, Morkel 0)

“Re: Vernon’s comment at over 52 about ‘playing aggressively, being entertaining and showcasing your talents’, that’ll be the precise words that were branded onto the willow crucifix by the English media and cricket hierarchy before KP got nailed to it after each test of the recent Ashes series down under,” says Harkarn Sumal. “Putting aside the subsequent ‘disintegration’ mayhem, old Kev was constantly pilloried during the series for playing precisely this way. It lays bare the malaise at the heart of English cricket culture at the very top end. Bah, harrumph!”

England’s scoring rate has been thoroughly inadequate ever since that Pakistan series in 2011/12. That is the single most important issue in the rebuilding of the Test team, and the main reason why Eoin Morgan has to be given a second chance.

57th over: South Africa 173-8 (Philander 1, Steyn 3)

“It’s interesting having watched Mitch’s career,” says Ian Belford. “Even at his best in the early days, he seemed to bowl hoping. Now he’s bowling expecting.” I’d go further: he’s bowling knowing. It’s hard to know who’s hotter at the moment: Johnson or the man in charge of the pictures we see between overs.

55th over: South Africa 163-7 (Peterson 15, Philander 0)

This is physical and particularly mental disintegration on an almost unprecedented scale. Johnson is doing what the West Indies’ pace quartet did in the 1980s, and there’s only one of him. Peterson, meanwhile, plays a seriously classy back-foot drive for four off Siddle. And then...

54th over: South Africa 159-7 (Peterson 15, Philander 0)

Philander is rapped painfully on the glove by a furious nipbacker from Johnson. That could easily have broken a finger on his bowling hand, though he seems to be okay and waves the physio back to the dressing-room.

“Jacques Kallis,” says John Jones. “Excellent timer of a cricket ball but even better at judging when to retire.I have been around since the days of Hall and Griffith but what I have witnessed from the Mo in recent months is up there with the very best. Brutal and exhilarating.”

53rd over: South Africa 156-7 (Peterson 12, Philander 0)

Siddle replaces Lyon. This won’t take long now. Johnson could end up with 15 in the match here. Peterson drives Siddle’s first ball down the ground for four, a really good stroke. He then makes the considerable mistakes of pulling a single off the last ball, which means he will face Johnson.

52nd over: South Africa 151-7 (Peterson 7, Philander 0)

“Someone asked exactly what Lehmann had done,” says Vernon. “I read a quote from him saying that he has told his players three things: play aggressively; entertain; and showcase your skills. I believe these instructions have been vital to the turnaround because having the freedom to utilise your skills under pressure is the single biggest challenge facing elite sports people IMO. So skilful athletes being told by the boss to show off, essentially, is very clever.”

The other thing that’s so impressive is how methodical the batting has been. They seem to have a really good awareness of what they can and can’t do at the crease.

WICKET! South Africa 151-7 (de Villiers c Smith b Johnson 48)

Johnson comes around the wicket to Peterson, who walks miles inside the line and swings loosely to the right of midwicket for a single. He’s not going to hang around for long. de Villiers then plays an astonishing helicopter pull stroke off Johnson. He only got a single but what a stroke. “I’m in awe of that stroke,” says Tom Moody on Sky.

A lively over continues with a big LBW appeal when Peterson walks miles across his stumps to a yorker speared in from around the wicket. It hit him outside leg but it was a clever idea because Peterson is facing Johnson from somewhere near point. And now de Villiers has gone! He slammed Johnson towards short cover, where Smith took a very sharp catch. It seems that was a cutter from Johnson, who got de Villiers with a similar delivery in the first innings. He has his second five-for of the match and his first 12-wicket haul in Test matches. He was in the form of his life in the Ashes, and he has got better.

51st over: South Africa 147-6 (de Villiers 46, Peterson 6)

Johnson isn’t quite doing for nasty fast bowling what Shane Warne did for leg spin, but this is still a wonderful reminder of cricket’s most exhilarating skill. Lyon bowls. Nobody pays attention; they just want to see Johnson again.

50th over: South Africa 146-6 (de Villiers 45, Peterson 6)

Almost two wickets in two balls. Peterson edges a vicious lifter just over the leaping slip cordon for four.

“Other than getting suckered by our pre-series chest-thumping about bowling attacks, I think the main thing South Africa got wrong is their team selection – understandable as they take their first tentative steps in the Post Kallis landscape,” says Rudi Edsall. “I think they should draft in Quinton de Kock to keep wicket, not so much to give AB’s hands a rest and to get their best fielder back, but to allow him to bat at four. I think Faf du Plessis will be exposed by the new ball in this series and I feel he will average below 25 if he stays at four. I don’t know who they jettison though – perhaps Peterson, as Duminy’s spin seems to be at a similar level to his.”

WICKET! South Africa 140-6 (McLaren c Haddin b Johnson 6)

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant fast bowling from Mitchell Johnson! McLaren survived an Australian review the previous ball, when a sociopathic lifter hit the underside of his arm before being taken superbly down the leg side by Brad Haddin. No matter: the next ball was another evil bouncer that McLaren could only glove through to Haddin. This is awesome brutality from Johnson, who now has the best figures of his Test career: 11 for 113. We’ve rarely seen the like.

49th over: South Africa 140-5 (de Villiers 45, McLaren 6)

McLaren is okay to continue after tea. Lyon begins the session to de Villiers, whose footwork turns a low full toss into a high full toss that he whaps to deep midwicket for a single. After a single from McLaren, de Villiers skips down the track to slam through mid-off for four. Beautiful batting, the first boundary off Lyon in his 12th over.

Tea: South Africa 132-5 (need a further 350 runs to win)

The treatment to McLaren means that will be the last over of the session. It was yet another triumph for Australia, who picked up the wickets of Amla and Duminy. See you in 15 minutes for the last session of the day, and maybe the match.

“That crack as the ball hit McLaren was as sickening a sound as I’ve ever heard,” says Ravi Nair. “Imagine if he’d been helmetless!”

This is the most sickening sound I’ve ever heard on a cricket field. It’s just horrible. Don’t click the link if you are squeamish.

48th over: South Africa 132-5 (de Villiers 39, McLaren 4)

This is Johnson’s first ten-for for four years, so he’s improved since the Ash-STOP LEERING AT WOMEN BETWEEN OVERS YOU FILTHY SOD. But enough note-to-selfing from me, somebody should really tell the cameraman to stop leering at women between overs. Honk.

Oh my goodness, McLaren has been smacked flush on the side on the helmet by a brutal short ball from Johnson. He ducked straight into it. Even Kepler Wessels, the hardest man in the history of cricket, describes the sound as “sickening” on commentary. The Australian players were straight over to McLaren, with Warner (I think) waving desperately for the physio to come on. It has drawn blood behind the ear, although McLaren looks okay. After a few minutes’ treatment he resumes, with one ball remaining of Johnson’s over. He gets in line nicely.

47th over: South Africa 129-5 (de Villiers 39, McLaren 1)

46th over: South Africa 129-5 (de Villiers 39, McLaren 1)

Yes, yes, we have two 46th-over entries. I published the first prematurely, before the wicket. So sue me!

That really was a ridiculous catch. He moved his hands to the left and manage to push the ball up onto the chest before pouching it at the second attempt. That’s a staggering combination of awareness, instinct and courage. And to day it twice in one day, on your Test debut, is ludicrous.

WICKET! South Africa 128-5 (Duminy c Doolan b Johnson 10)

Alex Doolan has taken another blinder at short leg! This is incredible. Johnson went around the wicket to Duminy and struck with his first ball. Duminy timed it sweetly off the pads, but Doolan watched it all the way and took the catch at the second attempt. Johnson has ten wickets in the match; two of them are thanks to outrageous catches from Doolan.

44th over: South Africa 119-4 (de Villiers 36, Duminy 9)

Heeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnson, and immediately the mood around the ground changes. His third ball – a gentle 90mph loosener - trampolines past Duminy’s attempted cut. That aside it’s a quiet over.

“I b’lieve that Smith has the world record for the number of times he’s sent the opposition in,” says Jonah Sack. “Can anyone confirm? So I doubt one bad cookie-crumble is going to change that adventurous streak. (Or cowardly streak: he is an opener, after all.)”

That’s interesting. Steve Waugh sent the opposition in a fair bit but then Smith has been captain for over a decade – and in an age when sending the opposition in has been socially acceptable for the first time – so it would make sense if he holds that particular captaincy record. Off the top of my head I think he has sent opponents in 19 times, of which South Africa have won 13, drawn three and lost two.

43rd over: South Africa 116-4 (de Villiers 35, Duminy 7)

Duminy has been so intent on defence that he has failed to put away a couple of rank short balls from Lyon in the last 10 minutes. It’s such an important skill, finding the appropriate mindset and balance between attack and defence in view of the game situation, your personal situation, the particular bowler, the alignment of the planets and so on.

42nd over: South Africa 114-4 (de Villiers 34, Duminy 6)

Siddle has brought back that absurd mid-on for de Villiers. A maiden, most of which I lovingly spent cropping and uploading the above picture of Mitchell Johnson in an attempt to brighten your day, beloved reader.

41st over: South Africa 114-4 (de Villiers 34, Duminy 6)

It’s a quiet period in the game. Duminy is becalmed, de Villiers watchful, and the scoreboard is having a bit of a nap: we’ve had 17 runs in the last 12 overs. That’s a lot of dot balls, and we know how Australia now to join the dots until they read W-I-C-K-E-T.

40th over: South Africa 111-4 (de Villiers 32, Duminy 5)

“Just as Kolkata in 2001 was the beginning of the end for enforcing the follow-on, will this game do likewise for sending the opposition in?” says Brendan Jones. “And unlike Hussain’s fear-driven brain explosion in Brisbane in 2002, was Smith’s decision here one of misplaced bravado?”

The strange thing is that, had South Africa batted first and been blown away for 110, Smith would not have been criticised for batting first. It’s only when you bowl first that you get nailed. That said, when the toss happened I did wonder if there was an element of machismo, although I believe the stats show bowling first is a good option. The other thing, although South Africa probably didn’t realise this at the time, is that by batting first they had the chance to stop Australia continuing use this weirdly familiar template: bat first, lose early wickets, recover, Mitch, Warner, Mitch and friends, Under The Southern Cross.

39th over: South Africa 111-4 (de Villiers 32, Duminy 5)

“Where do you place Mitch in the recent pantheon of quicks?” says Lee Henderson. “Let’s focus on living memory here and mine’s older than yours so I’ll start with Australian quicks and the fading Keith Miller and the genial Ray Lindwall which segues into my first real brutal fast bowler from watching memory; Frank Tyson, Johnson has his blinding pace as did Thommo but both of the aforementioned never had his batting ability or his athleticism. I’ll throw in the WI quicks here too (Wes Hall, shirt unbuttoned and streaming in full speed on a dry+hard Australian wicket was a sight to behold). Jog my memory if you must about which of the many were as good with the bat and as good in the field? He’s up there isn’t he, hmm?”

This raises an interesting point. When you judge greatness and/or spend four hours in a pub discussing a best England XI of the last 25 years with Hawkeye’s Jonathan Hungin, do you take a player at the top of his game, or do you take his whole career, or do take a reading of his effective somewhere between of the two? I’d like to think about a wee bit more, but Johnson at his best is probably as devastating as anything in my lifetime, yet you can’t really compare him to the greats because he has only been at his best for two periods in his career. The other thing is: would he have been this devastating in the 1990s, or is it simply that batsmen have been so mollycoddled that they can’t cope with him? Either way, in the last six Tests his bowling has been the most exhilarating thing on a cricket field in years.

38th over: South Africa 109-4 (de Villiers 31, Duminy 4)

Siddle. Duminy. Maiden. Duminy has four from 34 balls. Meanwhile, the choice of camera shot between overs is interesting. I say interesting: some horny bugger is focussing almost exclusively on scantily-clad females!

“I am currently channel surfing between the cricket, Auckland Nines Rugby League, Winter Olympics on two channels and NBA All-Star basketball, waiting for the FA Cup to start in 30 minutes,” says Karla Taylor. “There’s a good chance my dreams will feature burly men wearing cricket pads shooting a basketball into football nets being defended by ice hockey goalies...” Have you thought of becoming a cricket camerawoman? You could introduce equality to the between-overs leering.

37th over: South Africa 109-4 (de Villiers 31, Duminy 4)

Duminy has been watchful against Lyon thus far, with his first-innings dismissal for four. Four from the over, all in low-risk ones and twos.

“As an Englishman with a South African father, the emotion I feel on seeing what Mitch has been doing in this Test isn’t schadenfreude,” says Mac Millings. “No. It’s pure, spine-shivering, goose-bumping, palm-sweating, knee-trembling, loin-tingling ecstasy.”

35th over: South Africa 105-4 (de Villiers 28, Duminy 3)

Delightful batting again from de Villiers, who forces Lyon through the covers for three.

“Yes, I’m here, caught up by the post-Ashes schadenfreude, or sommat like that,” says Chris Drew. “Could you work your statsguru magic and have a look at Mitch’s average since the beginning of the Ashes, and how his overall average has gone please? This is just phenomenal, and it’s lovely to be able to watch someone else’s team suffering.”

Your wish is my geeky thrill. Since his recall for the Ashes he has a Lohmannesque 46 wickets at an average of 13.43. At the start of the Ashes his career average was 30.93, which is about the same as those of Jimmy Anderson and Brett Lee. Now it’s 27.72, which is exactly the same as Steve Watkin’s average. That statistic has given me an inordinate amount of pleasure.

34th over: South Africa 101-4 (de Villiers 25, Duminy 2)

A grubber from Harris is just wide of off stump, mercifully from Duminy’s point of view. Faf du Plessis has already been torpedoed in this innings. In fact he got two entirely unplayable deliveries in this match. A maiden from Harris.

“Fantastic to see Australia bowling and batting so well,” says Theo Park. “Is there any hope of South Africa sticking it out and batting for a draw?”

31st over: South Africa 98-4 (de Villiers 24, Duminy 0)

“It’s nice to watch a game where you only care about man crushes, not whether the team will do well/sack their best player for whistling & being top scorer,” says Andy Bradshaw. “Although I’m not sure whether I’m inside or outside cricket so I’m not sure whether the ECB will allow me an opinion on this matter.”

30th over: South Africa 97-4 (de Villiers 23, Duminy 0)

REVIEW: South Africa 97-4 (Duminy not out 0)

Duminy played around a full delivery that pinned him in front of middle stump, and it was a surprise when Aleem Dar said not out. But he has had a brilliant match and he was right again: replays showed a clear inside edge.

REVIEW

WICKET! South Africa 97-4 Amla c Marsh b Harris 35

Ryan Harris has broken the back of the South African innings! This is beautiful bowling. It was a perfect length, just outside off stump, and Amla edged a back-foot drive straight to Marsh at first slip. It’s Harris’s first wicket of the match, and surely confirms that Australia will win this match. Actually it was a better ball than was apparent at first: it snapped off the seam and lifted a touch as well.

29th over: South Africa 97-3 (Amla 35, de Villiers 23)

These two are fine players of spin, and milk Lyon comfortably for three in that over.

“What exactly has Darren Lehmann done?” asks a nameless contributor. “Apparently just told the Aussies to work hard, relax after and have a beer... But surely there’s more to it than that. Otherwise sack all coaches, what’s the point.”

It’s hard to judge coaches, because we don’t see them go about their work, but it does seem that Lehmann has considerable aptitude – maybe even genius – for the management of men. Take that, “laptops and ice baths”.

28th over: South Africa 94-3 (Amla 33, de Villiers 23)

Both sides will have the precedent of Perth 2008 in mind, when South Africa chased over 400 after being destroyed by Mitchell Johnson in the first innings. Six of the South Africans played in that Test, but it feels different this time. Australia have a much better spinner for one thing. If South Africa are to manage a record-breaking win, Amla and de Villiers surely need to add at least 200.

27th over: South Africa 92-3 (Amla 33, de Villiers 20)

Nathan Lyon comes into the attack, replacing the unusually expensive but still excellent Siddle (8-2-31-1). He goes straight around the wicket to the right-handers – who started this newfangled offspinner’s line of attack – and de Villiers whaps a single to deep mid-on.

“It is not such a well-kept secret that Boof Lehman instigated the Ashes win by having Aussie staff and players crack daily jokes,” says Andrew Walsh. “Quite clearly he has kept this immortal tradition going and stumbled on a beauty here in South Africa.Maybe it was leaked to the South Africans and the batsmen cannot get it out of their minds, having a chuckle as Johnson comes in to bowl. Any idea what this killer joke might be?”

The biggest joke he told them during the Ashes in England – or so we thought – was ‘You can be the best team in the world in eight months’ time’.

26th over: South Africa 91-3 (Amla 33, de Villiers 19)

Ryan Harris replaces Johnson. His first ball is filthy: short, wide and flashed over the top of slips for four by Amla, who invokes the mac-owning deviant’s golden rule. He was still unhappy with the stroke, mind, which is a nice insight into his perfectionism. I’ve just seen the blow that Amla took in the grille before lunch. Dear me, that was brutal.

“If Mitchell Johnson is not the Keyser Soze of the cricket world,” says John Starbuck, “which supervillain is he?”

25th over: South Africa 87-3 (Amla 29, de Villiers 19)

Amla flips Siddle classily through square leg for four and drives the next ball through mid-off for three to go past 6000 Test runs. Which is 5938 more than most people thought he would get when England beat him up in 2004-05. These two are batting beautifully; if they stay in for the next 10 overs they might give Australia a fright because batting has been much easier with the old ball in this game. It’s the sort of game where South Africa could easily be 280 for three and then 330 all out or something.

“That mention of Waughian ‘mental disintegration’ might have got me thinking, but the replays of the Faf du Plessis dismissal aftermath would suggest an awful lot of ‘see ya later’ chatter by the jubilant Australians,” says Gervase Geene. “Since when is this ‘robust behaviour’ so commonplace as to escape mention (clearly we are way past censure). The moral relativism of ‘they/he started it’ has always been dubious at best, to my mind, with Colly Collingwood beforehand and Jimmy Anderson more recently recipients to surf for that rationale, but this was downright plain-spit ugly and bogan (as we like to say down here). Deeply dispiriting, and it’s only the first Test...!”

24th over: South Africa 80-3 (Amla 22, de Villiers 19)

Another stunning stroke from de Villiers, a timed back-foot drive for four off Johnson. He has played some astonishingly good shots in this match. There’s another pretty good one, an extravagant, whirling flick-pull for two more. If South Africa do win this series, they might look back on AB de Villiers’ handling of Johnson in this match as England did Steve Harmison’s rough stuff on the first morning of the 2005 Ashes.

23rd over: South Africa 74-3 (Amla 22, de Villiers 13)

de Villiers drives gloriously through mid-on for four, straight from the MCC Coahing Manual, if such a thing still exists. He is disgustingly talented. Siddle’s response is a beauty that straightens past the outside edge.

22nd over: South Africa 69-3 (Amla 22, de Villiers 8)

This, it is almost offensively obvious to say, is the key partnership between arguably the best two players in the world. It’s not that South Africa’s tail starts at No6, but Australia will feel they have broken the back of the innings when they take the next wicket. Mitchell Johnson snakes in to Amla, around the wicket. A drive is well stopped by Smith at extra cover, and it’s a maiden.

“It would be much more fun, however, to see them bowled out for 165,” says Ian Belford. “Close games are so passé.”

21st over: South Africa 69-3 (target: 482; Amla 22, de Villiers 8)

Peter Siddle starts after lunch to AB de Villiers. The funky field klaxon has sounded: he has a deep short leg and an absurd mid-on, just off the cut strip. De Villiers flicked an errant delivery to fine leg for four. Here’s a question: is de Villiers the only current player who would be a serious contender for an all-time XI? And do we underrate him?

This is a great line from Gary Naylor

“Both in the overnight coverage of the New Zealand vs India Test and in this one, the commentators have talked about the need for the batsmen to ‘Man up’. Perhaps England’s batsmen need to ‘Woman up’?”

Hello. Somewhere in the world, Steve Waugh is smiling. Okay, he’s not smiling – he didn’t do that on his wedding day – but he’s happy inside because Australia have taken mental disintegration to a level beyond his most sadistic dreams.

Waugh’s Australia brutalised teams in this manner, but they were playing against established inferiors. Australia are marmalising apparent superiors, and this only months after the shocking nadir of Lord’s. It’s hard to think of a precedent in Test cricket for a change in form as spectacular as this. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime turnaround sparked by a once-in-a-generation bowler

As a consequence, Australia’s Mental Disintegrators have a scarily powerful momentum that even they won’t fully understand, and after just three-and-a-bit days out of 15 South Africa are already under asphyxiating pressure to save the series. They look like a team suffering from shock. The upside is pretty considerable, however: if they come back from this mauling to win the series, it will be the mother of all reverse chokes and confirm beyond all reasonable doubt that they are one of the all-time-great sides.

In many ways the second Test starts here. South Africa need some players to get runs and show that Mitchell Johnson is not in fact the Keyser Soze of the cricket world. (He is.) The game is lost, but an honourable defeat – 342 all out, say, with a hundred from Hashim Amla or AB de Villiers – would make them feel a lot better going into the second Test.

Lunch: South Africa 65-3 (Amla 22, de Villiers 4)

Six byes off the last over before lunch, as a couple of Johnson deliveries stay low and get past Haddin. Meanwhile the cameramen are doing their furious best to zoom in on young women in the crowd, which is a cricketing tradition as old as the Ashes. I don’t want to be a killjoy, but things do seem to be getting a bit out of hand this series.

Speaking of things getting out of hand, South Africa still trail by 417 runs. De Villiers and Amla may be able to dig in a bit, but with so much time and a pitch that’s getting wilder, it’s a massive ask.

Stay tuned for the second session with Rob Smyth, who is going to be your man from now on. Let him know your thoughts (and dreams, Saffa friends) by emailing him at rob.smyth@guardian.co.uk.

19th over: South Africa 59-3 (Amla 22, de Villiers 4)

De Villiers, meanwhile, gets off the mark with a cover drive for four against Siddle that probably wouldn’t be out place on r/frontfootporn (though he was maybe a little bit too upright, if you wanted to be picky, which I do).

“There’s a bit of retro seventies about it,” says Mark Nicholas about Mitchell Johnson’s moustache, which takes stating the obvious to a new level, even for a cricket commentator.

18th over: South Africa 55-3 (Amla 22, de Villiers 0)

Did you know that there’s a whole subreddit devoted to beautiful front foot shots? It’s called r/frontfootporn. They should start r/backfootporn for that Amla back foot drive, which he deploys again for another four past cover.

Meanwhile,Markus Sofianos writes an email which unfortunately begins with “South Africa have proven twice that they have it in them, both times Faf was the hero.”

“AB, the world’s best batsman, is still to come,” he continues.

The problem is I’m fairly sure that de Villiers’ hands look like this - he really looked uncomfortable in the field.

14th over: South Africa 46-2 (Amla 15, du Plessis 16)

More grimacing from du Plessis, it’s pretty slow going at Centurion. I’ve got some odds for you Zia

If I were a betting man, Zia, I would tell you that South Africa are now $6.75 underdogs, up from $1.67 favourites at the start of the match. I got these odds from a completely generic online gambling website (though I am open to bribes if you’re a multi-millionaire online bookie who’s following the blog).

12th over: South Africa 44-2 (Amla 13, du Plessis 16)

I’m working on the odds for you, Zia. In the meantime, Ryan Harris is asking a lot of questions of du Plessis. Like Russell said earlier, it’s extraordinary that he’d be considered a “break” from Johnson - he regularly bowls at more than 140km/h and is dead consistent (when he’s not injured).

10th over: South Africa 40-2 (Amla 9, du Plessis 16)

Harris now comes in for Johnson. I know it’s way too early to be thinking about this, but now that South Africa have brought up a might 28-run partnership, could they bat it out? Does anyone think they have it in them?

9th over: South Africa 40-2 (Amla 9, du Plessis 16)

Du Plessis does not look comfortable. That is to say, he looks even less comfortable than usual. An outside edge miraculously flies through the slips for four, but he manages a better shot with an on drive a few balls later for three.

8th over: South Africa 33-2 (Amla 9, du Plessis 9)

Amla bumps one with his hip, prompting a dive from Haddin and shouts from the Aussies, but it rolls down to fine leg for four leg byes. Then he calmly (or as calmly as possible against Johnson) nails a back foot drive through cover for four and follows up by doing the exact same thing with the last ball of the over, this time through point.

5th over: South Africa 21-2 (Amla 1, du Plessis 9)

Faf du Plessis does what most of us would do in the circumstances and endeavors to get straight off strike on the last ball of Johnson’s over. Harris isn’t maintaining quite the level of pressure as Mitch, and hasn’t found his length yet. Du Plessis notices this and draws a roar from the Centurion crowd with two fours on the leg side, one just behind square, the other just in front.

3rd over: South Africa 6-1 (Amla 0, Smith 0)

Johnson welcomes Amla to the crease by nailing him in the head. A look of compassion played out on Michael Clarke’s face for a second ... no, I’m seeing things. No pity here. No run off the next over from Harris.

Wicket! Petersen c Haddin b Johnson (South Africa 6-1)

The gimp
Mitchell Johnson is back! After a bit of an all over the shop over which included a bouncer that sailed over Haddin’s head for four, Johnson claims the scalp of Petersen, who knicks a brutally fast ball angling towards off stump straight to Haddin. Hashim Amla in next.

1st over: South Africa (Petersen 1, Smith 0)

Not a confident start for the Proteas as Smith swings and misses at a Harris ball outside off. One off the over.

In response to my question about crowd numbers, John Starbuck writes: “Yes, people would turn up to this game, if only because the BDSM community has, I understand, a large following. No difference between them and cricket-watchers, surely?”

I’m just disappointed I won’t get a chance to use this .gif I made for when Peterson bowls again (depending on the selectors, it may never be useful again).

Also thanks to Mark Harding for pointing out some “technical difficulties”, now fixed.

Australia declare at 290-4

Well there you go, Australia declare much earlier than many of us suspected they would. South Africa now have 481 to chase, which would be a record at Centurion. With the pitch as it is it looks difficult, to say the least.

72nd over: Australia 290-3 (Marsh 44, Clarke 17)

You know what I said about “Oysters” Morne getting his line right?

I lied; he’s back to being inconsistent. The shorter balls are bouncing off the pitch all over the place, which on some level is encouraging for the Proteas, but on another is also terrifying. *Cut to Mitchell Johnson smiling maniacally*

70th over: Australia 288-3 (Marsh 44, Clarke 17)

Aaaand we’re back. Oysters Mornay is up first, bowling around the wicket to Marsh. The first couple of balls are encouraging, short of a length but not as wide as they were yesterday. The second ball hits Marsh under the armpit. Good morning, sunshine. No runs off the over and the last ball deviates off the pitch and beats a confused looking Marsh.

Nothing to declare

So obviously the big question right now is when Australia will declare. The Saffas have a record of salvaging some incredible draws, but this would be the most heroic of them all. You’d think Clarke will take the lead to at least 500 before heading for the pavilion.

The other question is whether the weekend will actually improve the attendance figures at Centurion. Would you turn up to watch a public execution like this?

Welcome, welcome, welcome

As promised, I’m here shortly and I’m Alex McClintock (though I prefer to think of myself as being of around average height). Hopefully you’re having a good time wherever you are in the world (even if it happens to be South Africa) and you’re set for an enjoyable day/night/somewhere-in-between of cricket.

This has become very painful for the Proteas, with even a draw slipping out of reach. David Warner and Alex Doolan turned the screws yesterday and Australia should have at least an hour of batting ahead of them this morning.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, so please enjoy some of the Cricket Australia’s better work.

Alex will be here shortly, in the meantime here’s an extract from the Spin:

If, in the future, anyone wants to identify the precise moment at which the levee broke, they would do well to study this weekend. On Saturday morning, the ICC announced that they had decided to elect N Srinivasan as chairman for a two-year term, starting in July. And on Sunday evening, the ECB issued a joint statement with the PCA in which it railed against the pernicious influence of “people outside cricket” and revealed that it had sacked the greatest English batsman of this generation because it wanted “everyone pulling in the same direction”. Presumably towards square leg. Perhaps Pietersen, who occasionally played the shot off the front foot, erred a little too much towards mid-wicket.

And so it became apparent that the fast-rising tide that has been building in recent weeks had, at last, burst through what few remaining barriers of good sense still stood and entirely overwhelmed the game. The moral high ground, if you’re looking for it, is somewhere six feet under.

Srinivasan was the subject of allegations made by his estranged son, Ashwin, in 2012; Ashwin, who is gay, has said that his father is “vehemently against homosexuality”. Ashwin also alleges that Srinivasan subjected him to “constant physical and mental torture” and put him under “house arrest for two years”, during which time he was “given drugs by my father to make me straight”. He says his father’s “cronies” repeatedly separated him from his boyfriend, Avi, and that his father “threatened to have Avi shot if he came near me”.