Bit:Crow IS Jack Elam

Episode 509- The Girl in Lovers' Lane

Transcribed by Laura Fox

[SOL]

(Joel
and Servo on the bridge. Arranged on the command table are an egg, a
box of matches, a Webolos Handbook, and a bottle. Joel lights a scrap
of paper with a match, drops it into the bottle, and sets the egg on
the bottle’s mouth.)Joel:Okay now, Tom, I
don’t want you doing this on your own, okay?Tom:Okay. Now,
egg-zactly what’s gonna happen again?Joel:Well, what
happens is the fire burns up all the oxygen in the bottle and creates a
vacuum...Tom:Ohhh, then the
egg gets sucked down into the bottle, cool!
(Crow enters as Jack Elam; his net is gone, replaced by chopped-off
clustered plugs of dark hair. He carries a box of random groceries,
wears a shirt and a taupe jacket, and of course has a lazy eye. He
speaks in an affected voice which actually sounds more like Solomon
Grundy than Jack Elam.)Crow:Ugh.
I’m Jack Elam. Ugggggh. (Joel and Tom are poring over the
book and take no notice of him.)Joel:It says here in
the Webolos Handbook that it should take about two or three minutes...
(Slowly looks up and notices Crow.) Oh, look, it’s Jack Elam.Tom:"Place egg on top
of " ...Oh, hi, nice Jack Elam costume, Crow.Crow:Uigh.Tom:..."will slip
into bottle..." Huh. So, has it done it yet?Joel:Uh, no.Crow
(shouldering
hard into Joel): Here are the goods you ordered, ugggggh.Tom:No no
don’t---Don’t bump the desk! The egg!Crow:Ugh,
don’t talk to me, I only wanna deal with Gypsy. She around?Joel(annoyed): Uh, Crow, we get that
you’re dressed like Jack Elam, okay??Crow(resumes normal
voice): Not just "dressed like",
AM Elam! AM Jack Elam! (character voice again;) To live like the
E-lam---Tom:THE
EGG’S MOVING!Joel:It is??Tom:Uh, no, I guess
not...Joel:Oh.Crow(normal voice
from here on): Look, look, lookit me, lookit me a sec, look,
look, look, look, I’ll do that bouncy thing he does. (Bounces
neurotically up and down.) Mnnngh, mnnngh, mnannngh.... (Joel is
unamused. Servo sighs.)Crow:You guys are a
tough crowd! I worked a long time on this!Joel(coldly): It’s great,
Crow, you really look like ‘im.(Crow sighs.)Tom:Yeah, Crow, but
maybe you look a little too much like Jack Elam!Crow:Yeah well maybe I
do, Servo, what’s wrong with that, huh!? Jack Elam was a
brilliant character actor! For all I know he still is. And---and you
know what, I’ve never been as Jack Elam as I am at this
moment! I am Jack Elam! And I don’t need your pity!Tom:Yes you do.Crow:What are you
saying, that I’m a total failure?Tom:No, I’m
saying that you’re a total failure, AND you look like Jack
Elam! (laughs)(Light starts flashing.)Crow:(walks away from
the command table in a huff) Grrr, you guys don’t appreciate
me...Joel:Come on,
we’ve got Commercial Sign and we’ve gotta get a new
egg, all right... (takes the egg from the bottle and taps the button)Tom:Okay, okay.
Pardon me, Crow, excuse me...
(Joel and Servo exit screen left, passing close on either side of Crow,
who loses his balance.)Crow:Whoa, huhoa!
Uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh! (crashes to the floor with his groceries.
Pitifully) ...I’m not Jack Elam anymore...!