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Some Parents Live Out Dreams Through Their Children, Study Confirms

Psychologists have long suspected that some parents try to fulfill their unfulfilled achievements through their kids, and now a study confirms it. Experts say it is important to let children follow their own paths in life.

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WEDNESDAY, June 19, 2013 — Noel Huelsenbeck is a parent who likes to coach his children and encourage them to follow their dreams – although some of those dreams, he admits, are his.

A San Diego dad of three who is currently helping his daughter build her own organic clothing company, Huelsenbeck is also trying to instill his love of sports into his sons, who are 4 and 7 years old. His eldest son was the youngest kid on the Little League team this year and did not want to play most games. “In this case, I had to push him,” Huelsenbeck said. “It’s tricky, because too much pushing and you can push him away from a sport. But not enough and he might quit something he might have loved had he stuck with it. They may not enjoy it short term, but to help them learn a sport over the long term, I’m opting for pushing them a bit.”

A new, first-of-its-kind study in PLOS ONE today discusses sports dads, stage moms, and confirms a popular psychological theory — parents live vicariously through the achievements of their children and in fact desire their children to fulfill their own unrealized ambitions.

Huelsenbeck admits that part of his motivation is that he wants his boys to perform better than he ever could in competitions. “I played baseball, basketball, and football, however I wanted to be a professional surfer, and while I competed as an amateur I never succeeded in breaking through the higher ranks,” he said. “So the overbearing part isn’t like outright aggression, it’s more a subtle push to have them embrace the sport that has defined my life, and hopefully succeed where I failed”

The study was headed by Eddie Brummelman, PhD, of Utrecht University, Netherlands and involved 73 parents (89 percent mothers) of children aged 8 to 15. Researchers said that the more a father or mother sees the child as part of themselves, the more likely they are to want the child to succeed in making the parent’s dreams come true.

"Some parents see their children as extensions of themselves, rather than as separate people with their own hopes and dreams," according to Brad Bushman, PhD, co-author of the study and professor of communication and psychology at The Ohio State University. "This might put pressure on children to try to live up to their parents’ unfulfilled ambitions, rather than pursuing their own ambitions. However, there is no research evidence on this topic yet. The next step in our research program is to test that hypothesis."

“As for surfing,” added Huelsenbeck, “I’m going to keep leading them to the water… and push them.”

Bushman explained that in basking in the glory of their children, parents may be able to release some of their own feelings of regret and disappointment that they couldn't achieve these same goals. "They might be living vicariously through their children," he said.

A Return on the Investment

Parents in the study group where asked to complete a scale designed to measure how much they saw their children as part of themselves – the range was “completely separate to nearly the same.” Next participants were randomly separated into two groups: Group one was composed of parents asked to list two ambitions they had not been able to achieve in their lives and to describe why those ambitions were important. The other group did similar exercises, but focused on an acquaintance's ambitions rather than their own.

Parents were asked to reflect on their own lost goals (as compared to those of acquaintances) and shared many unfulfilled dreams – being a professional tennis player, writing a novel, and having a successful business among them. Researchers found that parents who reflected more on their own lost dreams were most like to want their children to fulfill these goals, if they also identified strongly with the idea that their child was a part of themselves.

Richard Horowitz, a parenting and family coach and author of Family Centered Parenting, said that it is natural that some parents want to see a return on the investment of time that goes into raising children. “A child's accomplishments can easily become a straightforward validation of their parenting,” Horowitz said. “Furthermore, there are parents who attempt to overcome their own failures by internalizing the success of their children. A recent survey that I conducted on high school coaches revealed that athlete 'wanabees' were the most difficult parents to deal with. These are the parents who are vicariously living through their children to enhance their self-worth.”

We all know about the classic stage mother who pushes her kids into music or dance lessons, beauty pageants, modeling, acting, or even a reality show as she tries to fill her own unfulfilled dreams through her child. And of course, the father who maneuvers his son into sports and attempts to propel him to a level he himself could never reach. We see examples of parents who might be pushing their kids in famous families from the Kardashians to the Kennedys. Although the study may confirm how stage moms and sports dads may come to be, experts says that parents have to have boundaries because some of these desires to live through their children can get out of hand.

“There was a father whose path toward athletic stardom was cut short in a car crash,” said Fran Walfish, Psy.D, child and family psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent, sharing the story of a former client. “He had pushed, pressed, and over-controlled his son's future by implementing a rigid regimen in sports. It was a disaster because the son collapsed under the intense pressure and became depressed. The boy emerged out of childhood into adolescence never feeling good enough. The father's drive for achievement and perfection in the son pushed the son over the emotional edge. In this case, the son did not rebel....he tried his best to live up to the father's expectations which were simply too high and impossible to meet. Some kids rebel and fight against the parent's vicarious living.”

Anyone who has ever seen the reality TV show Tiaras and Toddler’s knows that some parents get so wrapped up in making their child as a star that they forget that their first job is mom or dad.

“It is important for the parent to constantly keep in mind that his or her primary role is that of a parent,” said David M. Reiss, MD, a psychiatrist based in California, New York, Massachusetts who has been in private practice for over 25 years. “At times, a parent being involved in the child’s career management, coaching, business affairs, etc., may be a very positive aspect of their relationship — if the decision to do so is mutual and the primary parent-child relationship boundaries are respected. But if parents treat children as business associates rather than as sons or daughters, they will often end up with “clients” (and sadly, all too frequently, disgruntled, rebellious, or even 'train-wreck' clients) rather than successful progeny.”

David Klow, a marriage and family therapist in the Chicago area, says the inclination to have kids fulfill dreams is natural and that wanting more for our children is healthy. “Our desire to want more for ourselves and our children is part of what has made innovation and discovery happen throughout history,” said Klow. However it is important that parents know the difference between healthy yearnings for positive growth and behaviors that put an unhealthy pressure on children.

Klow points to these warning signs that parents are focusing on their children in an unhealthy way:

Reiss explained, “An important aspect of child development is to be able to have a positive sense of identification with parent(s)/parental figures. It is equally as important for the parent to be able to accept that identification and nourish it – but at the same time, to allow, encourage, and guide the child to become his or her own unique individual.”

“When there are mutual interests — such as involvement in sports or entertainment — that can provide a very important and positive bonding, starting in childhood and even continuing into adult life,” Reiss said. “However, risks occur when the parent intentionally or unintentionally, overtly or covertly, pressures or coerces the child to live out the parent’s unrequited dreams, rather than following the child's own course and ambition.”

A child has to be free to follow his own calling—not the calling of his or her parents, Klow said.