This is the current state of the NBA’s biggest franchise: They were just swept out of the first round for the first time since 1967 (i.e. season five of Mad Men) . They’re carrying a staggering $100 million in salary in a league where the salary cap is around $58 million. Their talismanic star is a 34-year-old who just suffered a season, perhaps career, ending Achilles injury. And a succession struggle akin to the war of the roses rages behind the scenes. All of which is to say: the Lakers have some work to do, and not a lot of time or options with which to do it. Presenting, for your schadenfreude, the GQ Lakers-franchise power rankings—your character guide to the most fascinatingly fucked-up team in sports.

1. Kobe Bryant, The Star: When Kobe limped out of the tunnel to his seat behind the Laker bench during the funeral stages of Game Four versus the Spurs, the Laker faithful reacted like medieval pilgrims witnessing a shard of the true cross. His performance throughout the 2012-13 season, culminating in his Achilles injury can be thought of as a months-long Viking funeral. He got Mike Brown fired by looking at him like Brown had just peed on his rug, and he could probably get Mike D’Antoni fired with a tweet from his couch. When exactly Kobe will return, and in what condition, is a major concern considering his $30 million price tag. If this were fantasy basketball or NBA 2K13, you’d simply amnesty him and be done with it. But here in the real world? In Los Angeles? Unthinkable.

3. Mitch Kupchak, The GM: The Lakers are so far over the salary cap that they’re basically in orbit around it. The profound Gordian clusterfuck that is the Lakers roster will be impossible to bolster without bringing down salary. At the peak of the Lakers’ season—which is to say, before the season even began—Kupchak was hailed as a shoe-in for ecutive of the year. Now, he faces the Herculean task of somehow assembling a cohesive a team next season, with little to no maneuverability, all the while being overseen by the guy who thinks five dudes at the racetrack bar know how to scout for pro-ballers. That might explain why spent most of this past season staring blankly into the existential void as the Lakers got blown out in front of him.

4. Phil Jackson, The Messiah: You can hear the plaintive cries wafting through the Staples Center nearly every game: "We want Phil!" During Shaq’s jersey retirement; during the Lakers’ ignominious rout at the hands of the so-good-it’s-boring Spurs; in line at the Coffee Bean. "We want Phil" is the Lakers fan version of "Carthage must be destroyed."

5. Jeanie Buss, The Overlooked: Many of the Laker faithful feel that Jeanie Buss, Jerry’s daughter, should’ve been the one picked to run the basketball side. Instead, her father picked her to run the business side and represent the organization at meetings of the NBA board of governors. Famously the fiancee of Phil Jackson, any hope that Lakers fans have about a Zen Master reunion hinges on her.

6. Dwight Howard, The Future: Dwight’s tumultuous exit from Orlando took rubbing people the wrong way to Tokyo-subway levels. Hobbled by back and shoulder issues, and perhaps plain old apathy, Howard never approached the defensive heights that have been as much his trademark as sleeveless Ed Hardy shirts. Perhaps his greatest accomplishment this season was getting into an on-court argument with the ever-selfless Steve Nash, which, in basketball terms, is like snapping at the Dalai Lama over the nature of nirvana. His status as an unrestricted free-agent means the organization has to cater to his every fantasy, including one day having a statue. Also, everybody already seems to hate him.

7. Steve Nash, The Floor General: His primary contribution this season was the revelation that epidurals are also for non-pregnant people. At 39 years old, he’s been limited by hip and lower-back injuries and has two years and $19 million remaining on his contract, meaning he’s about as tradable as a filthy-rich 39-year-old guard with back and hip problems. Add that to the fact that the Lakers’ other options at point guard are Steve Blake and, like, four guys you need to Google, it’s safe to assume he’ll be here next year.

8. Mike D’Antoni, The Coach (?): It almost seemed too perfect. The architect of the Seven Seconds or Less offense, which revolutionized the NBA with the quick-hitting spread pick-and-roll sets, reunited with his old quarterback, Steve Nash, in the city that spawned Showtime. What could go wrong? Well, injuries to Nash and his backup reunited D’Antoni with another of his old players, who, unfortunately, was Chris Duhon; Pau and Dwight couldn’t coexist in D’Antoni’s system; and the defense simply wasn’t good enough, or at times, did not exist. None other than Metta World Peace has said that D’Antoni wasn’t strict enough, which is a little like a feral child criticizing someone’s table manners.

9. Metta World Peace, The Wild Card: He came back from knee surgery in a jaw-dropping twelve days. Let’s repeat that because it’s, frankly, insane: Metta World Peace came back from surgery on the meniscus in his knee after twelve days. He has a player option for $7.7 million next season, which he has indicated he might forgo if the Lakers offered him a multi-year deal, which seems unlikely unless he agrees to a pay cut, which seems unlikely because no one ever agrees to a pay cut, which makes him the most likely victim of the amnesty clause. So, why is he ranked above Pau?

10. Pau Gasol, The Middle Child: Because Pau is the Lakers’ Charlie Brown. A supremely skilled big-man, Pau has never been able to escape criticism that his game is soft and that he has the aggressiveness of a dude who ate too many pot brownies—he heard it even when he was an integral part of L.A.’s back-to-back titles in 2009 and 2010. This season, he suffered both insult—Kobe bid him to don his "big boy pants," while D’Antoni straight-up clowned him whenever he wasn’t flat-out ignoring him—and injury, finding himself limited by foot problems for much of the season. If Dyan Cannon got food poisoning from the Staples Center VIP buffet, fans would say it was Pau’s fault for not going hard to the hole. He’s last on this list because even if he stays with the team (not a certainty) he’ll always be the franchise’s hang-dog—the player everyone from Kobe to the guy selling flowers by the 405 thinks is too soft, and the first name mentioned in every trade rumor.

Jason Concepcion is a Grantland contributor, where he writes about sports and things under his Twitter handle @netw3rk

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