The Crapbox...Comic books found in the quarter bin or half-off store or the bargain box. The good, the bad and the really ugly. Get ready for a surprise. Updates EVERY Friday and Monday until the Crapbox runs dry. (never happen)

In 1932,
something was awesome in the state of Denmark. That’s when the work shop
of Ole Kirk Christiansen decided to change its name to “Lego”. The new name
came from the Danish phrase leg godt
which means “play well.” The wooden toyshop would switch to producing plastic
toys in 1947 and two years later would create the now famous interlocking
bricks. Originally called “Automatic Binding Bricks”, it wasn’t until a 1958 redesign
under Christiansen’s son Godtfred that they took on the look of the familiar
hollow peg blocks we today simply call Legos.

Literally
hundreds of playsets later, Legos are still going strong and have had product
tie-ins to Star Wars, Jurassic Park, Harry Potter, Spider-Man, Batman,
Spongebob Squarepants, Ferrari, Scooby Doo, Doctor Who, Portal 2, Lord of the
Rings, Toy Story, failed Disney movies The Lone Ranger and Prince of Persia,
the Simpsons and Avatar: The Last Airbender. Additionally, they’ve produced
sets for older kids in their ultra intricate Technic line and high tech
motorized Mindstorms products. They also created toddler sets under the Lego
Duplo label. But very few of these projects are as ambitious or as inventive as
the Bionicle series.

Bionicle was
the first Lego series to get a background story developed in-house. Using
elements of Polynesian mythology, Bionicle the brand was designed to last
multiple years which is another first from a company that likes to restart
product lines yearly so they remain fresh. The Bionicle plan involved seven multi-year
story arcs which were meant to give the product line a shelf life of twenty
(yes, your heard that right. 20!) years of storyline and product tie-ins.

The backstory
was being developed in direct-to-video DVDS (three of which were produced),
young reader book series and, of course, comic books. Most of these were written
by Greg Farshtey, who was active in the Bionicle fan community, often showing
up on the Bionicle fansite www.BZPower.com.
With these channels, Lego had been successfully promoting the line since 2001,
and even though it went on hiatus in 2010 it was rebooted in 2015 using toy
sets from Lego Hero Factory.

Since most of
us (I hope) don’t follow Polynesian mythology, a brief description of the cast
in Bionicle may be in order. Our heroes are the Toa. They wear masks of power
and can control elements of nature. Their color denotes what element they can
control: Red – fire, Blue – water, Green – air, Brown/Yellow – stone, Black –
earth, and White – ice. It’s neat how green means air, because with my constant
sinus condition I’ve always believed the air is made of green particles too.
There’s no other way I can account for the color of my sneeze discharges.

Moving on,
the Matoran are the commoners who are led by former Toa elders called Turaga.
They are suppressed by the Makuta, who have attacked the Great Spirit Mata Nui,
causing him to fall into a deep sleep. Mata Nui is not to be confused with the
island where all the Bionicle live that is also called Mata Nui. It is also
under the grip of the Makuta. (Confused yet? No? Let’s pile some more on,
then.) The Dark Hunters are another villainous group who wield great power for
their own dark purposes. Also there is an Order of Mata Nui which serves the
great spirit but who don’t always side with the Toa.

In the first
three year storyline, the Bionicles defeated the Makuta and found the lost city
of Metru Nui.
Metru Nui is located far beneath the surface of Mata Nui and its name
translates into “Great
City” in the Matoran
language. Whoever controls the city will have immense influence over things to
come because the city must be restored to its former glory before you can wake
Mata Nui, the Great Spirit and save Mata Nui, the island and the Matoran.
(Everybody still with me? I think I see a few stragglers who are having trouble
keeping up. Let’s wait a moment for them to re-read the last few Polynesian
terms before we continue on.)

Currently the
city is ruled by Turaga Dume who has had the job for over fifteen thousand
years. It was once protected by robotic enforcement squads called Vahki. The
city was divided into six districts called Metru and each Metru has a different
kind of Vahki defending it (thus a different Vahki toy to be sold by Lego.
Smart businessmen!) Around one thousand years ago, Makuta (bad guys, remember
them?) secretly captured Turaga Dume and took his place. He sent the city's Toa
on suicide missions until only the hero Toa Lhikan was left. Makuta also
started dealing with the Dark Hunters to help with their plans.

The Makuta
released a powerful plant monster called…(Is anyone still listening at this
point? Really? Ok then since there’s one of you left, I’ll continue on.)…Morbuzakh
(Gesundheit!) on the city’s outskirts. Lhikan found Dark Hunters active inside
the city and, already suspicious of Dume’s activities, he gave Toa Stones to
six Matoran so they could become Toa Metru. Lhikan was since captured and the
fake Turaga Dume made outlaws of the new Toa Metrus.

It’s here
that we begin our comic book story, far in the past of Mata Nui: with the new
Toa Metrus on the run from both the Dark Hunters and the Vahki enforces, exiled
from their own city with the threat of giant monster attack all around them and with a backstory so complicated that no
six-year old waiting to play with his Lego action figure will every sit down
and listen to. I might be wrong on that last part as there are at least
four Bionicle websites around, each with active message boards.

Either way, I’ve done my part in attempting
to encapsulate about 40 pages of Wikipedia articles into a few paragraphs of
story summary. Let’s get down to business.

That’s Toa
Metru Vakama, the new Toa of fire elements. He (She? It?) is having a vision
right the moment, possibly because he dropped acid as a way to escape his
convoluted, Polynesian mythos-filled life style. Either that or there’s more
things put in that poi than just kalo steams. Either way, he better defeat that
nightmare monster or there will be no waking up from this.

The reason
his disk launcher doesn’t work is probably because she’s actually one of the
Bionicles included in the McDonalds happy meals. Their shooters never work more
than once and then only if you aim the thing straight up in the air. Otherwise
the paper disk bullet falls out. I know because our house used to be littered
with the things and I was always the one asked to make them work. So sorry,
chicka. Next time dream you’re one of the $10 models available at Target
stores. They seem much sturdier.

Just as the
monster is about to destroy her, a giant fiery hand shoots from its chest and
puts the squeeze on Vakama. When she awakes she’s stuck in a spider web.

A mechanical
spider (who probably has a name like Visorak or something. Hey what do you
know? That is its name. And there are like six breeds of the things. And toys
made from each one. Who’d have imagined?) comes by and taunts her. Then she is
visited by the Toa who gave her the Toa powers, Toa Lhikan. Also Turagma Dume
visits in playing her inner “voice of wisdom” and asking her to consider where
she is leading the other Toas. Right before the ghosts of Christmas’s Past,
Present and Future come on stage, the specters of her fellow Toas begin to make
with accusatory guilt-trip talk.

The other
Toas force Vakama to look into a crystal mirror that holds an image of the
future. The image it shows isn’t revealed only Vakama’s reaction of “No..No…”.
This action also has the effect of waking her up from her weird trance.
Unfortunately her two companions quickly explain that the real world isn’t much
better than the nightmare that was her vision.

The Vahki
quickly arrive on the scene, but not before an earthquake splits open a huge
section of the city to reveal a giant Bionicle Lego monster that must cost at
least $40-$50 bucks. I mean, look at the size of this thing. I bet it takes 2
to 3 hours to even assemble.

It’s right at
this point that they do something in story that raises my hackles just a bit.
See if you can figure out what that might be:

Now let me
get this straight: If your kid is into Bionicle they are plunking down between
$7 to $10 dollars for each figure. Every time there is a new wave of Bionicles,
there will be approximately 4 to 5 product lines, each line containing six
different figures (one for each color element) bringing that wave's total number
of figures to somewhere in the neighborhood of 24 to 30 figures. Along with
that there will be a DVD released with each wave and the comic book series. Not
to mention trips to McDonalds so your kid can collect the six figures there
while you choke down greasy burgers and fries that will never decay. And every
three years a new wave will come out that will start this cycle all over again.
Now you’re telling me that to get the full story of what happens to these
little Polynesian shitz that I’ll have to plunk down money on the book series
too?

NO Freaking Way!

Sorry, that’s just me going through sticker shock.

Why tie all
these in together? Beats the heck out of me. At least until I notice that the
Bionicle comic I hold in my had has five pages of ads. Guess what the ads are
for? Anyone say Bionicle products? Give yourself a gold star. Three pages tout
new figure lines, one page sells the new DVD movie and the back page is ads for
shirts, shoes and backpacks. Incredible. If I’d paid full price for this, it
would have been like buying three dollars worth of ads. Part of me is incensed.
The other part of me, the part that got a BA in Marketing is giving Lego Inc a
slow-clap standing ovation. I figure if a kid gets hooked on Bionicle, it’s
almost like he’s found a toy version of crack. Touche, Lego. My hat is off to
you.

And I’m
keeping my kid away from your products.

Rant over.

So how does
the issue wind down? The Vahki show up, but are quickly buried as the beast
brings a building down on top of them. The Toa are the forced to confront him.
They do so by using a similar technique to drop the beast into the caverns
below them.

The answer is
“Buy lots of Lego stock!” I wonder how many pieces will fly off him when he
lands? No matter. I’m sure someone will put him back together for another
appearance when his product sales start to slump. Our Toas leave after Vakama
says something that’s supposed to sound profound. His cryptic exit line is
something about how the creature’s efforts only brought destruction and
destruction was all it found. Then the three shuffle off before any more Vahki
show up.

The Bionicle
experience is so well planned out that you may not notice how much they are
selling the product to you at every opportunity. It’s a slick system. I’m just
glad that toys are all they are trying to promote. If they headed a political
party or religious group, there would be no hope for us all. They are that
slick.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Two toyline
powerhouses meet in a titanic struggle to determine who gets more shelf space

G I Joe and
the Transformers was a four issue mini-series produced by Marvel in 1986. By then,
both of their solo books were going full steam and the time seemed ripe for a
crossover. Sadly the series suffered from trying to be too faithful to the
existing storylines in each of the ongoing series. This meant that several key
characters (Optimus Prime, Cobra Commander and Megatron) were left out of the
crossover because their characters were all presumed dead at the time.

Talk about wimping out. That’s like having a Star Wars and Star Trek
crossover where the only major characters to show up are Chewbacca and Wesley
Crusher.

As issue 2
begins, the G. I. Joes have just killed Bumblebee in the prior issue. At least
that sounds exciting, if a bit of a downer. The transformer Superion arrives at
the Joe’s base to collect the remains and is met by some startled Joes.

The correct
answer here is “When confronted by a powerful, giant, sentient robot with the
ability to step on you the way you would a hamster, fire wildly at it in hopes
that your shots will somehow find a weak spot in its nigh-impregnable armor.
Also wet your pants a little. It’s okay, we won’t tell anyone.”

That’s what
the G I Joe handbook says anyway. Wonder who writes that thing?

I kinda
thought that is who it’d be. Anyways, as the Joes continue to pelt the
Transformer with enough ammo to take over a small country, Superion decides not
to squash them all like the insignificant mammals they are. He’s nice like
that.

The Joe
that’s asking about his mouth-wash is the newest Joe in the line up: Hal
Toesis. His action figure comes with “dung poo breath”. Yeah, I went there.

The
leader of the Joes, General Hawk gives the troops a pep talk asking them to get
to the bottom of the appearances of the giant robots. Then Hawk steps out to
get some assurance that government appropriations for the G I Joe program don’t
get cut. At least that’s what I’m assuming from this series of panels.

That’s one
dedicated solider! He’s had to make sure his funding isn’t cut about six times
this week. Twice on Tuesday alone!

We next turn to the villains of the piece
starting with the Decepticons. Shockwave is deciding to try and usurp
leadership of them again since Megatron has apparently fallen in love with the
spaceship thingie the Joes are guarding, Power Station Alpha. Here the lovelorn
leader of the Decepticons is pining for the totally non-sentient hunk of metal.
Isn’t this a bit like a human falling in love with a blow up doll?

Meanwhile
Cobra has taken an interest in Power Station Alpha themselves. Dr. Mindbender
takes control of the space plane and causes it to take off from the Joe’s base.
General Hawk is caught with his pants down on this one.

Literally!
Joe knows he has to go after the missing super secret advanced technology space
power house thing. But Senator Larkin a/k/a Barbara has some special
instructions for him.

I guess it’s
fair to say that Hawk isn’t allowed to keep his balls. Probably why he allowed
the space power plane whatever to get stolen in the first place. Now the Joe
team has to scramble to get it back. I wonder if any of them are harboring a
grudge against Hawk for causing so much work? If they do, none of them say
anything about it.

Cobra sends
up a fighter wing to escort their new prize home. The Joes take them on until
Serpentor has the Cobra troops threaten and then sink a passenger cruiser as a
delaying tactic. Correction: it’s either a delaying tactic or it means
Serpentor hated “The Love Boat”. This allows the Cobra agents to escape with
the plane. All goes well for the terrorist organization until this guy shows
up.

Dirge makes
with the sweetness and light talk. Dr Mindbender doesn’t trust this robot
proclaiming itself Cobra’s ally, and with a name like Decepticons, who’d blame
him. The scene then shifts and we check in on poor, poor Anthony Duranti. He’s
been acting strange since issue number one and his Mom’s taken him to the
doctor. The results are in and they aren’t good.

“I have no
idea how your son fit several toy action figures that far up his anus. It’s
like a warzone in his colon.” Maybe I better let the doctor finish.

Mrs. Duranti
was about to add “... My son doesn’t have a brain.” Common
for parents of teenagers to think that. What this has to do with giant robots
and anti-terrorist operation groups, I have no real clue. But speaking of clues,
Dr Mindbender gets one as the secret recording device he placed on Dirge allows
him to eavesdrop on the Decepticon’s conversations. Is it possible their plans are
more diabolical than Cobra’s?

Why yes,
indeedy. Now what can Cobra do about it? Why, team up with the Joes of course.

Which they
did. The mini series was completely ignored in Marvel G I Joe continuity. However it
was essential reading for Transformers fans, as Bumblebee was reborn as Goldbug
and if you didn’t read the mini, you had no idea where he went.

Devil’s Due
revisited the idea of putting these two groups together in 2003. The first mini
featured an alternative universe where Cobra controls some of the autobots,
including Optimus Prime. The story was well received by fans (since it was an
“Elseworlds”-type tale, why quibble over vast changes if the resulting story
was entertaining, I guess?) and spawned three more spin off minis. The last
occurred in 2007. And who knows what the future will bring for these guys.
Maybe they will do more that glower at each other from across the toy shelf
aisle in 2016.