FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

Nobbel Prise such good prise and me wurk so hard to get. Me write long time and always write long and big. Write lot of words and make storys with and make books with storys. Me write for hunnerd years and make hunnerd books like Dance Of Happie Shades, Moons A Juper, and Hayship, Frennip, Corp, Love Lip, Marge. Write storys books lot hard work and make me sleep lot, but now win Nobbel Prise and very happie. Nobbel Kitty man say me “master of cuntempry short story!”

Nobbel Prise such good. Is best most good most shine prise for littersure. Other real good peepul win Nobbel Prise and now me win with them. Peepul like Samull Beckt Tony Morris and Jean-Marie Gustave Le Clézio. Me no like read but these peepul good write cuz they win Nobbel Prise and that is best prise and now me win cuz me master of cuntempry short story.

Alice Munro master of cuntempry short story.

Me win lots wards befour but never Nobbel Prise. Win Pen Malmood Ward win Man Book Innerational Prise win Oh Henry prise win lots of prises. Lots good wards and prises me won but me also no win prises and make sad but now me have Nobbel Prise and me hold onto it tight and not lose it in swim pool like Man Book Innerational Prise.

Nobbel Prise best prise. Biggest prise and most best prise. Not as good as Super Bowl prise but best prise for littersure. Most shine. Most twinkly prise. Make sparkle. Make pretty. Twinkle good. sparkle gud.

Me very happie win prise and very excite but me hungry now so go get pan cake and then sleep but thunk u again Nobbel Kublitty for Nobbel Prise. It best, most biggest, most shine prise. It is honor.