Finding Time

One of the major points my wife, Sue, and I stress in our new book, Married to Distraction, is the critical element of time. People take time for granted. But without time, there is no attention, and with attention there is no communication or empathy, and without communication and empathy there is no connection, and without a connection there is no play, and without play there is no fulfilling intimacy, romance, or love. We often say that play is the main action of love. But it all depends upon the previous steps, starting with time

It may sound silly or obvious, but if you don't make time you won't make love. If you don't make time, you won't get to where you want to be as a couple. If you don't make time, you will misunderstand each other and fight and struggle. What we call "the big struggle" plagues many a marriage. The best way to avoid it is not to spend hours in conflict resolution but to spend minutes of positive time together, chatting, cuddling, watching TV, or just about anything!

Set aside time. Maybe in the bathroom while one showers and the other shaves, you can TALK! Maybe in the kitchen while one cooks and the other sets the table, you can TALK! Maybe in the car while one drives and the other watches scenery, you can TALK! Using time...so obvious...but so much in need.

Comments

Comments

This is soo needed in our relationship!!! I think this is one of those pieces we don't really have that I feel is REALLY lacking... Just that day to day interaction as a normal couple who are connected and more importantly plugged in!!!

I really don't feel the "plugged in" part from my ADD partner. His distracted mind causes him to live in his own world, his own head. He doesn't really tend to life "out here"... he sort of just floats around, like a ghost!

"What we call "the big struggle" plagues many a marriage. The best way to avoid it is not to spend hours in conflict resolution but to spend minutes of positive time together, chatting, cuddling, watching TV, or just about anything!"

I wish the energy in our home was like that! It just seems so dead and lifeless, like a dark void! I definitely need a more upbeat kind of lifestyle together! More positive energy!!! I feel like I'm being eaten alive by this heavy, dark feeling in the home. There's just no notice on his part of life happening around him... My niece being born, Thanksgiving, Christmas holidays coming up... He's just sort of appears dead to it all.

I think if we ever had kids together they'd be depressed! It's that dull... there's no life! :/

I wonder if my ADD partner even feels the same way??? I've often mentioned I feel this way but he just gets defensive because he internalizes what I'm saying as 'blaming him', and because he has no clue how he would even go about fixing such a "vibe"in the relationship, he gets frustrated then angry! I really don't blame him for reacting that way. I would too if my disorders symptoms were bringing down the energy and happiness levels in the home/relationship. I'd identify with the disorder and get defensive too!:(

Is it even possible to have a relationship with an ADDer where they're plugged in and the energy is happy and light?? Honestly, is it possible??