Be good to your body. You’re the one who has to live in it. Convenience foods aren’t designed to keep you alive in the long term. We now know these products make you fat and ill. Erm, what’s convenient about that? As Bill Murray observed, whoever snuck the ‘s’ into fast food is a clever little bastard.

The month of January has a peculiar Pavlovian effect on us homo sapiens. Counting calories becomes an acceptable form of penance, like compulsively listening to Liveline. It’s pointless! Hear me out. Nine calories from fat will make you feel fuller for longer. It’s that tickety boo feeling you get from avocado on toast, that makes you feel like a supped-up Pokemon, right? But nine calories from sugar will be burned up much quicker, and have you snacking straight away like an Angry Bird on acid. Discovering the difference between feeling like a superhero, or a demented cartoon character, was a pretty special moment for my bod.

Choosing food on the basis of only calorie intake is about as useful as choosing your life partner on how quickly they can cycle. It might come in handy, on a very special occasion. But for day-to-day well being both physically and emotionally, it’s pretty much useless. Am I making much sense?

I reckon a healthy diet is not about restriction – it’s about inclusion. When you start including loads of new flavours and wholefoods into your kitchen, your health will start to look after itself without the coercion of a draconian diet. Yes, you might lose a few pounds on a calorie-controlled diet – but most of that will be personality. So let’s start recruiting kickass ingredients to rock your kitchen in 2017.

Combine all the dry ingredients into one bowl. Whisk the wet ingredients into a separate bowl. Now add the first to the second, belting out any lumps from the mixture. Leave overnight in the fridge. Alternatively, you can fire ahead straight away but the flours do benefit from a little settling.

Pour ½ cup’s worth (around 125ml) in the centre of your preheated waffle maker. Cook according to your manufacturers guidelines, but preferably on the low side. This is usually 2 minutes on my Sage waffle maker, until the machine beeps.

These waffles are amazing with a poached egg, or sandwiched together with almond butter.

In other news…. I got to talk Michael Fassbender, Michelle Obama, tweezer fetishes and former fiancés to NYC’s Newswhistle. Very groovy! You can read the interview here.

The Virtuous Tart is being released in America and Canada next week. Yep, I am now exporting my potty mouth and my irresponsible relationship with cacao.

For all my friends across the Atlantic, you can grab it right here for pre-order price. Yahtzee!

I want to thank some of my greatest food heroes in the US and Canada, who are helping me mouth off about my cookbook (see below, for their beautiful comments). They have made this Irish lass dizzy with giddiness and gratitude.

And I want to thank YOU. Yes, you, without whom none of these crazy-assed recipes could transpire. You give wings to my words. I dedicate this book to you.

xxx Susan Jane

Melissa Hemsley, Hemsley & Hemsley:

“Susan Jane has a special affinity for giving everyday foods a healthy and delicious boost.”

Imen McDonnell, of award-wining blog Farmette :

“She is the best thing since iced tea!”

Amy Chaplin, author of At Home in the Wholefood Kitchen :

“Have you ever giggled your way though a recipe method? I hadn’t either until The Virtuous Tart landed in my kitchen. This cookbook is seriously the most fun you’ll ever have discovering and embracing a whole world of delicious wheat, dairy and refined sugar free treats, drinks and snacks.”

Laura Miller, Raw Vegan Not Gross :

“Susan Jane inspires with her beautiful and nourishing recipes that just so happen to also be packed with energy-boosting, body-healing nutrition – the kind of cookbook I’d want to pull from my shelf every week!”

Laura Wright, of the award-winning blog The First Mess :

“This beautiful book proves that you can truly have it all while still committing to your most vibrant and healthful self.”

Emma Galloway, My Darling Lemonthyme :

‘Quirky, super fun food’.

Sonja Dahlgren, Dagmar’s Kitchen :

“Susan Jane’s passion is infectious. All of her recipes are so smashing delicious and wholesome at the same time–I love everything she whips up!”

I love Christmas. No matter how many relatives I trap, or number of Brussels sprouts I fit into them, my family are always so patient and biddable. If I was a cynical person, I might think they’ve been sponsored by Grey Goose. Or Colombia.

No. I love Christmas. And Christmas loves me. I say pah! to the irresponsible naysayers, convinced that Christmas has been colonised by capitalism. Eh, hullo? Christmas is a hobby dudes, not an industry – like knitting, or running for presidency.

So don’t let the naysayers twerk your synapses with their windy sermons. My synapses are on Annual Leave during yuletide. It’s the only time of year I can justifiably hold a pair of cashmere socks and demand they be publically inaugurated on my feet. Or hold my local Odd Bin wine tasting to ransom, again, without inciting a criminal record. I love how unreasonable I can be – it’s like the mothership of PMT with national immunity.

I am also acutely aware that this may be the only time my saffron apricots will ever make fully-grown homo sapiens weep. If my frolicking has taught me anything, other than the limits to my belt-expansion, it is that howfood tastes qualifies as only one segment of its true appeal. Whenis just as crucial to our taste buds because of the memories it can set in motion. And who plays a decisive role in a food’s celebration. Nothing demonstrates this better than Christmas.

So here are my traditional Christmas family recipes I start pimping from as early as the mocks (Thanks Giving). Each dish is suffused with giddy memories and industrial amounts of Dean Martin. They are the purveyors of mirth and merriment.

Happy Christmas y’all! May endless mistletoe and sherry be upon you.

Walnut & Rosehip Cookies

You can store the cookie dough in the freezer, rolled up like a log. When the mood arrests you, unleash your inner cookie monster and high-five your genius.

130g (5oz) walnuts

1 teabag of rosehip tea

1/2 teaspoon baking powder

1 teaspoon ground ginger

120g (5oz) brown rice flour or plain gluten free flour

80g (3oz) oat flakes

135ml (4.5floz) brown rice syrup

125ml (4floz) extra virgin coconut oil, melted

1/2 teaspoon flaky sea salt

Preheat your oven to 180 degrees, gas mark 4 or 350 Fahrenheit.

Briefly pulse the dry ingredients in a food processor until they resemble big breadcrumbs. These include the walnuts, the contents of one bag of rosehip tea, the baking powder, the ginger, the flour and your oats. Now add your melted coconut oil and the fabulous sticky brown rice syrup. Pulse again until a big dough ball forms in the basin of your food processor. Parachute some flaky sea salt on top.

Freeze half the mixture for another day (stonking good idea, no?) With the remaining dough, pull off an apricot-sized piece and roll into a ball between your palms. Press down on a lined baking tray, using two or three of your fingers to make a nice cookie indent. Mine work out at about 2-3mm thick.

Bake for 10-12 minutes depending on their size, but no longer, promise me! Don’t worry if they seem soft or undercooked – the cookies harden once cooled. Flipping fabulous.

No-Bake Ninjabread Men

A note for wily mums; you can replace some of the ground almonds with milled flaxseed or hemp powder, to inject some omega-3 artillery into your little ones.

4 tablespoons extra virgin coconut oil

3 tablespoons maple syrup

100g (4oz) ground almonds

1-2 teaspoons ground ginger

Pinch of unrefined salt

Gently melt your coconut oil in a small pan over a shy flame. Remove from heat and stir through the remaining ingredients. Scrape the mixture out over a sheet of baking parchment. Press it into a rough dough ball, then place another sheet of parchment over it and flatten with a pastry rolling pin. You’re looking for a couple of mm in depth.

Transfer to the freezer for 10 minutes, until barely set. Alternatively, you can freeze for up to 3 month and let thaw for 5 minutes before cutting into gingerbread men. Choose a cookie cutter, and off you go! No need to bake. We store ready-to-eat gingerbread men in a freezer bag, waiting for unexpected playdates and midnight munchies.

Festive Florentines

Florentines are disproportionately difficult to make after a few sherries. So, my version will liberate you while still generating rapturous applause. Fa la la la lahhh …

75g (3oz) 70-85% chocolate

1 tablespoon shelled pistachios

1 tablespoon crystallised ginger

1 tablespoon goji berries

Pinch of sea salt flakes

Handful toasted pecans

Melt the chocolate in a bain-marie. This is basically a pot containing 1-inch (2.5cm) of gently simmering water, with a bowl sitting on top in place of a lid. The contents of the bowl will melt gradually by the steam of the water, without actually touching the water. This can be a bit boring, so switch on some Bing Crosby and resuscitate your Santa hat.

As soon as the chocolate has melted, use a tablespoon to make teeny puddles of chocolate across a large strip of non-stick parchment. On top of every puddle, add one of each remaining ingredient – a pistachio, a small chunk of crystallised ginger, a goji berry, pinch of salt flakes and 1 toasted pecan. Allow to cool (but not chill) and solidify before peeling them off and storing in your mouth.

Lapsang Souchung Christmas Cake

Amy Chaplin was the midwife of this genius. New York City (and my brain) is a better place because of it. Amy is The Snazzmaster of good vegan grub. Feel free to use Early Grey or green tea instead of smokey Lapsang. And parachute some goji berries in there too.

Grind the hazelnuts in a food processor. Tip into a large mixing bowl and set aside. No need to clean the food processor – you’ll be using it later.

Now soak the apricots and dates in 1 cup of hot tea (250ml / 8floz) for 10 minutes. Drain well, and set aside.

With the remaining half-cup of hot tea (125ml/4floz), boil your raisins. Stir, cover pot, reduce heat to low, and simmer for 10 minutes. Remove lid, and continue to cook for a few more minutes or until all the tea has cooked off and the raisins are bursting with plumpness. Juicy juicy.

Spin the cooked raisins in your food processor with all the spices and zest. Blend until smooth. Tumble this paste into the bowl of ground hazelnuts, along with the drained apricot mix. Fold really well. Now stir through your walnuts and/or pistachios.

Press the cake mix into your prepped tin, and smooth the top. If you have extra nuts, you can decorate the edges. Bake for 1 hour, or until set. Eject from the oven and allow to cool completely before removing from tin. This cake will store for 3-4 weeks in the fridge. Serve thinly, with brandy butter and a good boxset.