Selfish Kindness

Think before giving.

We would all benefit from understanding what it means to do acts of kindness in a thoughtful manner that takes into account the specific needs of the recipient and not, as is so often the case, the needs and desires of the giver.

We had a trivial example of this recently. We invited guests for a Shabbos meal and when they arrived, they unexpectedly brought a beautiful fruit tart from the kosher French bakery. It is definitely a lovely gift, and you may think I'm just a grouch, but I had already made dessert. I had already purchased the ingredients and spent time and effort in baking a cake and cookies for this meal. Now I would probably have leftover dessert lying around my house, unfairly tempting the dieters or just going to waste.

I'm sure they felt like they were fulfilling their obligation as good guests by bringing me this tart, but it was actually not a kindness. It was something I didn't need or really want.

On the other hand, if they had called earlier in the week and offered to bring dessert, it would have been thoughtful. It would have saved me time and energy, literally taking one thing off my plate!!

Thoughtful acts of kindness are always focused on the beneficiary. What does he or she need?

Visiting the sick is certainly a mitzvah but perhaps this particular patient would just like be alone or only with immediate family members. You may buy balloons and flowers and come bouncing into the room -- and interrupt a quiet family scene. It's better to call (or email) first and ask what works for them. When, if at all, would they like company?

I recently spoke to a friend who was recuperating from painful abdominal surgery. "I know you're home from the hospital; do you want visitors?" She explained that her husband had taken the week off work to tend to her and they were actually enjoying having the time together. Could I please come next week when he goes back? I was glad I called because I knew that when I did go I would be a desired visitor and not a resented intruder.

It is wonderful to bring meals to women who have just given birth. It is such a relief at that time not to have to worry about making dinner. It's particularly thoughtful if the cook provides paper plates and silverware and presents the food in foil serving pieces so the new mom doesn't have to worry about washing dishes or (even worse) returning everyone's pans!

It's also nice to think about what they have probably been receiving until now -- chicken and potatoes, chicken and rice -- and try to add some different touches, fresh vegetables, salad, fruit.

Thoughtfully evaluate the needs of the recipient and don't think about what you feel like doing or giving.

Even generosity can be misplaced. Depending on your relationship with the recipient, it may not be kind to give extravagant gifts. They may then feel obliged to respond in kind -- and may not be able to. It may actually be a hardship for them and not a kindness at all.

The situations and needs are as varied as the people involved. The general principle is to thoughtfully evaluate the needs of the recipient and not think about what you feel like doing or giving.

When someone is sitting shiva, friends are frequently at a loss over how to help. So they send food -- platters and platters of it. None of the visitors want to eat and hundreds of dollars worth of food frequently goes to waste. Or the mourner is forced to spend her time trying to organize her refrigerator so that everything can fit in! The impulse is kind, the action is not.

We need to operate with our minds and perform acts of kindness in an intelligent and truly selfless fashion.

There are only so many clothes that infants need, especially ones with older siblings. Get the new mom something for her (a spa certificate?), something she'll appreciate.

The more individualized the gift (based on their interests, hobbies, goals), the better.

And one last tip: It is not a kindness to buy anybody any more candles!

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 33

(32)
Tami Koletsky,
June 7, 2016 3:59 AM

Beautiful article

Wonderful article!! Fit right into what we have been dealing with since the loss of my mother in law. Funny I Googled selfish acts of kindness hoping for a different definition. You know the ones who volunteer to help out, only so they look good doing it. Only offer things so they can be seen doing it. But I am glad I came across your article, a much better more elegant way of breaking it down. :)

(31)
Gila,
May 31, 2009 11:55 AM

Think out of the box for hostess gifts

I am always on the lookout for "out-of-the-box" "on-a-budget" hostess gifts. I find unique and fun coffee mugs (I also toivel them before gifting them)colorful dishtowels, fun notepads, smaller size hand lotions (great for the car!), inspirational pocket books inscribed with a brief note of gratefulness for your friendship(R.Plikin's books are terrific!)and anything else that many of us wouldn't necessarily get for ourselves but appreciate receiving. I like to get things that aren't perishable, so that the hostess can "remember our gratefulness" each time she uses the gift. I have received grateful remarks about the coffee mugs - that they think of me when they sit down in the morning with their cup of coffee! I keep a stash of these pre-purchased gifts in the garage so that I don't feel that last-minute rush to get a meaninful hostess gift. Hope this helps!

(30)
Allie,
May 29, 2009 11:28 AM

Just embarrassing

I would be horrified if I were one of Mrs. Braverman's guests - to see, in print, of how unwelcome my attempts at being a good guest were!
I've hosted so many people in my home over the years, and often they bring food items after having been told to "just bring your appetite." Never once have I felt inconvenienced for this. I realise my guests are trying to lighten my load, and therefore I either incorporate their item into the meal or save it for a future meal. When I can't think of a way to incorporate it well into the meal I'm serving that day, I simply put the food up, express my thanks and tell the guest how perfect this item will go with a future meal I've planned.
There is no reason, ever, to be disdainful of a person's attempt to be thoughtful. Even when the thoughtfulness is misplaced, the effort can always be put to use somewhere.
And really? Who ever has enough candles?

Anonymous,
June 10, 2013 12:43 PM

interesting

I am a gift giver and I learned from the article. However, many people are at a loss of what to bring (including myself at times) and any gift is special. Also, as a lady that has a lot and am blessed, I still love candles. You cant go wrong.

(29)
SusanE,
May 21, 2009 9:06 AM

Shoulda' Woulda' Coulda'

I agree that to bringing a main course dish to a dinner party is just not appropriate. If that should happen at my home, I would simply take it and thank the guest for bringing it. Then have it put away until after the dinner. I would never serve it to my guests that evening. The first reason is because it might not be Kosher. The second reason is that the guests have come to my home and are expecting my food. They are comfortable with my kitchen and my mode of cleanliness, and are comfortable that my food is fresh and clean. I wouldn't serve someone elses' food to my guests unless my guests knew in advance about it..
As for the tart from the Kosher Deli, it's already happened and showed up at your home. Whether you feel it is right or wrong is now a moot point. It's now up to you to make your guest feel comfortble about bringing it, no matter how you feel about it. It's always in good taste to be accommodating.

(28)
Anonymous,
May 21, 2009 6:12 AM

The art of giving

I believe that certain people missed the message. Why does a person bring a gift? So that they will be able to pat themselves on the back or, to show appreciation to people who are showing a kindness to them?
Most shabbosim we have guests, if it is a seminary student or a yeshiva bocher and they bring a gift my husband informs them that they have fulfilled the mitzva of kibud horim by bringing something but on all subsequent occasions they do not and should not spend money on any gifts.
We have been recipients of gifts with hechsherim which we would not use. We have had desserts brought when I also had prepared my own dessert. Some guests bring what they want to eat and will ask for it to be served. Perhaps your own family is looking forward to something which is the host family's favorite. There are also the shabbosim when we have more than one guest and one gift is obviously much more expensive (whether it be flowers, chocolate, wine,etc.) than the other. It can cause embarassment, hurt feelings or even shalom bayis problems.
My husband buys flowers most every shabbos. They are always tasteful and bright. When guests bring bombastic bouquets that outshine all but the botanical gardens, he feels that his flowers (bought with love and a limited budget) pale in comparison. A gift should enhance the pleasure of all not just some.
Mrs. Braverman's eloquent and articulate article is by no means a general order to all recruits, readers. We should read it as the musings and reactions of Mrs. Sara Anyjew. Aches, pains, nudniks and inconveniences come in all sizes, forms, flavors and intentions. It is harsh, impulsive and perhaps egotistical to refer to the author as a complainer. It behooves us to sympathize with our host's issues of storage space, meal planning and dietary idiosyncrasies. So, ask before you bring.

(27)
Anonymous,
May 20, 2009 7:32 PM

candles

THe Duchess of Windsor famously said you can't be rich or thin enough.
Personally, I can never have enough candles.

(26)
Anonymous,
May 20, 2009 7:07 PM

Some commenters do not understand

Certainly, nothing is wrong with a hostess gift, as I'm sure Ms Braverman would agree. The problem lies with the type of hostess gift.
I doubt many homes have an overabundance of flowers, so unless someone has an allergy, flowers are a very lovely gift.
Boxed candy or wine for the hostess to be enjoyed later can be a lovely gift, as well.
However, substitute the word "chicken" for "tart" and then see if you can't discern the reason the tart was not appreciated. If the host already had a main dish, wouldn't it be rather awkward for someone to bring a meatloaf?
It isn't the hostess gift that is the problem. It's bringing part of the meal that someone else has already planned. It isn't rude so much as it is thoughtless.

(25)
ruth housman,
May 19, 2009 7:15 PM

"tart" remaks

When someone brings me a beautiful dessert, I am appreciative. I don't always need my guests to call, to ask what it is I am lacking. I am usually not lacking because to have people over, is usually for me, an occasion for celebration and I often, overbuy. When this happens we can all take something home to enjoy so it's a win win situation!
Yes, I agree there are times when deep sensitivity is required.
I do not agree that people are thinking of themselves generally, however, when they bring gifts and if they are, it's a feeling about what they would like in such a situation, which is truly, a form of empathy, and not necessarily about "selfish".
So this subject gets complex and there are areas of agreement, and, disagreement, but I think sensitivity is the KEY.

(24)
SusanE,
May 19, 2009 5:58 PM

Selfish Kindness? What is the Unselfish Thing to do?

I believe a non-family visit at the time of birth or for an illness requires a phone call or a short note. Mostly on these occassions the family or the person might not be up to visiting. or they are resting. The household generally isn't running in the normal time like the rest of us, and they may not be ready for entertaining.

In reference to the tart the guests brought as a gift. What would be difficult about serving all the desserts after dinner? It would be nice, cutting the cake, and serving the cookies and cutting the tart and allowing the guests to choose? Like in a lovely restaurant.

A hostess gift is nice but not necessary with close friends. It's respectful to take something the first time you are invited to someones' home.
I agree with Emuna that the gift giving should be appropriate and thoughtful.
My grandparents used to do this so, we give a small grocery order at a time of need. Depending on the season, It included fresh bread, sandwich fillings, washed lettuce and tomatoes, cheeses, a pound of ground coffee, tea bags, sugar, fresh milk and homemade dessert to families who had an illness or death.

(23)
Rachel,
May 19, 2009 4:21 PM

It depends....

...I live in a very mixed neighborhood. When I cook for new mothers or those with an ill family member, I am often thanked by the recipient and told that I'm the only person who has done this.
When I go to someone for Shabbat, I most always bring some dessert or wine with me. Occasionally, if I can stop by in advance, I'll bring flowers.
And by the way -- I love candles and can't ever imagine having too many.
As I tell my children (who know NEVER to complain that they received a gift they don't like): It's the thought that counts. Among my most precious possessions are birthday cards from my long-deceased grandparents, aunt, and uncles. I've long since forgotten the toys & candy, but to have something they picked out & wrote on for me -- 40 years ago -- is the best thing I could ever have received.

(22)
Rachel,
May 19, 2009 3:46 PM

Gift giving

If I choose to bring or give a gift to someone it is with the best intentions and if I had brought a dessert for my hostess and it was spoken about like this person's was I would fee hurt. How many people have done that and now think back wondering whether their gift was completly unappreciated or disdainfully dismissed? Along the way someone in your family may have mentioned that this bakery had delicious items and it was duly noted and brought to mind when thinking what to bring.
This gift may have been frozen, given to someone who would appreciate it, or your own dessert could have taken a back burner and many thanks could have been "given" in return to the guests.

(21)
onegr8singer,
May 19, 2009 2:54 PM

Thank-you SHARON!

Really! for having the guts to ask.where does this woman get off KVETCHING that someone had the CHUTZPAH to bring her a GIFT of a gorgeous(and probably delicious)Kosher cake from a French Bakery! Can you magine the NERVE of her guests?

(20)
Anonymous,
May 19, 2009 2:20 PM

food for shiva

I was recently asked to provide a meal for a shiva house. I went to the kosher market to order some bbq chickens with some side dishes. Well, in my city, there were no chickens that day. So, I ordered meat balls and spaghetti and cold cuts. We delivered the food and explained why it wasn't chicken. We were so surprised to find out that the people sitting shiva do not eat chicken. They were so happy with what we brought instead. My question is: How would we have known their preferences and what could we have done to avoid a disaster if we had gotten the chicken?

(19)
Anonymous,
May 19, 2009 2:11 PM

major faux pas

I dare those who say it is rude of Emuna Braverman to not just accept the unexpected dish, to find an etiquette expert who says it is fine. It is not. Bring flowers, but do not bring part of the meal unless the host or hostess expects it. Doing so is exactly what Emuna says it is: rude. If you just have to bring food, then at least have the decency to call the hostess and let her know. Emuna is 100% correct.

(18)
Jennifer,
May 19, 2009 2:04 PM

Spot on about the cake!

A similar situation occurred at my house. I had all the ingredients to make homemade ice cream for our dinner guests and had the ice cream maker all set up. My young children were excited all day because they knew homemade ice cream was for dessert. My guests previously asked what they could bring for dinner, and I said "please, just an appetite!" So, when they showed up with a store-purchased carton of ice cream and said, "We thought this would be nice for dessert," it was a horrible position to put a hostess in. I served those cardboard box of ice cream, and my children were rather moody because they had been anticipating our good homemade recipe.
Bringing an unannounced dish (which, unlike candy and wine, cannot be saved for later) to a dinner is telling the hostess, "We didn't think you'd have enough food, so we thought we'd better bring some more." It really is rude.

(17)
Aviva,
May 19, 2009 1:44 PM

Taking it too far ...

Thoughtfulness is always important , however building such an ungrateful elaborate story out of nothing is an art form . It is called " chronic complainer" .
When people offer good , in any shape and form , the intent is pure , learn to graciously accept it as such . Not everyone in life is able to think , feel , and have the peculiarities that you do . Good is good . Some , wish they had the "big problem " of having an extra tart" . Perhaps next time we could discuss poverty , and hunger ... Maybe that could put things into perspective .

(16)
Berry,
May 19, 2009 1:24 PM

Just want to throw my 2 cents in...

Some of my own examples, to illustrate the point: When I spent 5 sleepless days and nights in the hospital with my infant daughter who was very ill, my mother-in-law came to visit at a time I was exhausted. My eyes were literally closed as I dozed off again and again, as she merrily chatted away. I remember thinking: "Doesn't she see I'm falling asleep?" Hard to throw a m-in-law out.
Same hospitalization: One of my best friends came to visit as we were leaving. I was packed and literally walking out the door when she came in. But I went ahead and shmoozed with her for a few minutes, since she was thoughtful enough to come. Then, a woman doing "chesed" in the hospital walks in on her "rounds." She and my visiting friend struck up a conversation that went on and on, at least a half hour, and I just wanted to go home! I couldn't believe I was stuck in the hospital, waiting for all that "chesed" to finish talking so I could get out of there. Unbelievable.

(15)
Sandy Burton,
May 19, 2009 12:22 PM

This was very helpful. I will try to remember your tips next time I try to help someone.

I often take food to people or go visit them when they are in need. Your insights were very helpul.
Thank you,
Sandy

(14)
Anonymous,
May 19, 2009 12:04 PM

agree with #5 for the most part

I agree with #5 for the most part. However, I would not put mine in the freezer. I would put both desserts on the table and let the guests have whichever they want. It never hurts to have extra food for everyone to enjoy. It was nice of that couple to bring more.

(13)
Hadassah,
May 19, 2009 11:47 AM

Hits home

I enjoyed reading this article very much, because I could relate with each example you gave.
I am very fortunate that people are trying to be kind and helpful around me, and I have had numerous occasions when I was given loads of boys clothing, and was feeling that I was the one helping out the family getting rid of everything that was cluttering their closets. I was often left with hours of sorting sizes, condition and seasons to finally get a couple of pants for my needs.
It felt terrible the more so that I was always thanking abunduntly but also mentioning that I was not in need of anything of the sort. The worst is when some very kind lady asks you what you would need, and you are thankful to the offer, and think about cleats for soccer for instance, which are an expensive item that children outgrow in a year, but it does not need to be in pristine condition, so you're happy if it is passed away, and the lady says of course, and brings you six bags (no kidding) of other stuff with it.
It is very hard for me to keep my home in order, it is very small, and it turned into the Goodwill truck annex for many years.
I have other families in my neighborhood to whom I can pass clothing to their boys, and I have always been careful into describing what I was ready to give away, and let chose before bringing what was not needed to the Goodwill people myself (and not letting my neighbor do the trip herself).
It makes me always happy to see her boys wearing what my boys wore, that has been carefully chosen to be fitting and seasonal.
I have very good friends who understand my predicament so much better, and would not make a pricey present for my birthday, because they know I can never match as I am not wealthy, and that I would even be embarrassed to have a beautiful object sitting in my not so nicely decorated living-room. Instead they would chose to discreetly offer me a gift card to a local supermarket, as they know I will use it to buy extra groceries for a shabbat meal for my children.

(12)
Feige,
May 19, 2009 11:29 AM

I agree with much of the article's content.

I think that a fruit tart is an acceptable hostess gift even without a call in advance. Regarding the suppers, visits, etc., if people would realize that they are going about the mitzvah for themselves, they would think more and act differently. Yet - Mi Keamcha Yisrole - the chessed is amazing and we should accept it graciously.

(11)
Suzanne,
May 19, 2009 11:08 AM

Bravo!

I can not tell you how many times I have been inconvenienced or worse had the entire goal scrapped or project ruined by someone's "kind generosity". Usually when you tell these people you appreciate their intentions but that you would rather they helped in another way, not at all, or that their help has actually caused a problem. They are extremely offended and scold you for being ungrateful. I have seen lifelong dreams destroyed by acts for which I was "rude" enough not to be grateful for.

(10)
Rachel Garber,
May 19, 2009 10:38 AM

Ungrateful Hostess

Ok, someone else already commented on this, but I will put in my 2 cents. First of all, no less a personage than Judith Martin, known as Miss Manners, (who is Jewish, by the way) says no one should feel obligated to use a "hostess" gift on the day it is brought. Your guest will see that you have already prepared a dessert, and you can smile prettily and say, "how lovely, this will be a nice dessert after we finished the cake, pie whatever, is eaten." People may not want to call ahead, because they may feel the hostess will say don't bring anything, and if they were trained at their mother's knee that you always bring a hostess gift, your guest will then feel uncomfortable. As someone else said what is the matter with donating it to needy person, surely you know of one family (esp in these hard economic times) who may not have the money for dessert. I have invited some elderly gentlemen for Pesach dinner and they dragged along some jars of matzah ball soup that they were given by the nearby senior center (it's a Jewish center). I couldn't use it, I prefer to make my own. However, I knew they wanted to bring something, I said thank you and gave it back to the senior center. Whenever I give gifts, if it is something non-perishable, I always say, I don't mind if you re-gift. As for Shiva, wow, how thoughtless, your guest assumes they know you will be having no other company and wish you had something, some morsel to feed them. Freeze the food, label it with the date and pull it out when you are just too tired to cook that day. Unless you are assuming your guest just wanted to make extra work for you. Don't you know one needy family that would appreciate all that food your thoughtless guest bestowed on you. As for flowers, for crying out loud, stick them in a vase and put them in your bathroom and enjoy the lovely fragrance when you are soaking your weary bones. You are the one who is wrong not your guests.

(9)
Anonymous,
May 19, 2009 10:32 AM

not always

when i gave birth to my daughters, i didn't have a telephone (no cellphones then) so people didn't come to visit me because they thought i would be tired with new borns but all i wanted was company. sometimes just turning up is the solution. let the person themself decide.
also i always give friends something for a year or two in advance for a new baby. even if there are older siblings, this baby deserves something new as well and when they are older, the clothes will last longer.

(8)
Anonymous,
May 19, 2009 9:23 AM

Good article - bad example

Mrs B, your article is excellent. I once hheard Rabbi Krohn speak on this subject and he added some examples like the amount of time you spend at a sick bad/shiva house.
Some people just do not tune in to the needs of the recipient or the atmosphere into which they have entered. The mitzva is not to sit there for half hour because you decided that is how long you were staying! rather, see if you are welcome and helping the person. If not leave!!!
Having said that, I totally disagree aboutthe cake for Shabbos. If a guest called me and offered to bring something I would convince them not to bring anything! A small gift for Shabbos does not require a call in advance. Flowers, wine, sweets ... these are usual shabbos gifts and 99.9% of hosts would be only too glad to receive them. You can always send the cake to school/yeshiva with your kids if you are on diet!

(7)
rose,
May 19, 2009 8:54 AM

there is also the selfish kindness of visiting the sick and then boasting to everyone what a tzadik you are.

there is no such thing as altruism. there is always some sort of pay off.

(6)
chava,
May 19, 2009 8:38 AM

agree

Yes, I think the guests should let the host know if they want to bring dessert.
Nice ideas include wine, challah, flowers.
I have run chesed committees in different communities. I have found most people just to make pasta meals for people they were not close to and chicken for those they were....sometimes its almost shocking what is given as a meal. Yes, I think its time to stop and think about what we are doing and making sure the recipient really wants or needs what we give. Sometimes it better not to give!

(5)
Sharon,
May 18, 2009 1:26 PM

Oh please!

Emuna Braverman has found yet another thing to complain about. Is it asking too much to accept a gift graciously and put your own dessert in the freezer for later use?

(4)
Denise Rootenberg,
May 18, 2009 12:20 PM

I agree with some of the above

When I was recovering from chemo, someone sent us sushi as part of a Shavuot meal contributed by various people. What a lovely and welcome change from heavy fare and how original! But the rest of the meal was sent with so much love and care too that it was equally precious.

(3)
Anonymous,
May 18, 2009 4:38 AM

Not selfish

Of course it common sense and good manners to call first before visiting or to ask the intended recipient what she needs before bringing something. But to call it selfish when the above doesn't occur is a little harsh. Especially in regard to hostess gifts-sometimes people don't know what to bring, there are kashrut issues, and when they call the hostess to ask what they can bring, they are told "please!! Just bring yourselves!"

(2)
Rebecca,
May 17, 2009 1:37 PM

I disagree

There is a kind and POSITIVE way to deal with every single thing that Mrs.Braverman mentions here- INCLUDING candles, unexpected visits and excess food. Perhaps G-d sent that fruit tart for a reason, but I doubt the reason is this article. The guests must be very disappointed, embarrassed and upset to read of how their kindness and effort was received.

(1)
AC,
May 17, 2009 12:33 PM

great lessons!

We can all work on this to varying degrees. I was asked to make a meal for someone who gave birth and was going to make my usual chicken and rice for them but I was informed not to make chicken bc they had received a lot of it already. So I asked if I could make a certain dish with meat instead. I was not offended, it could be easy to get offended bc we are all doing them a favor after all but I have kids too and one never eats chicken and the other only sometimes and my husband is not crazy re it either so I understand not wanting it every day. It gave me the opportunity to give in a better way. It's important also in the same vein to have one person coordinating this effort for ppl who give birth so that they are not inundated with too much food at once. Thank you, Emuna Braverman for another wonderful article!

My nephew is having his bar mitzvah and I am thinking of a gift. In the old days, the gift of choice was a fountain pen, then a Walkman, and today an iPod. But I want to get him something special. What do you suggest?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Since this event celebrates the young person becoming obligated in the commandments, the most appropriate gift is, naturally, one that gives a deeper understanding of the Jewish heritage and enables one to better perform the mitzvot! (An iPod, s/he can get anytime.)

With that in mind, my favorite gift idea is a tzedakah (charity) box. Every Jew should have a tzedakah box in his home, so he can drop in change on a regular basis. The money can then be given to support a Jewish school or institution -- in your home town or in Israel (every Jews’ “home town”). There are beautiful tzedakah boxes made of wood and silver, and you can see a selection here.

For boys, a really beautiful gift is a pair of tefillin, the black leather boxes which contain parchments of Torah verses, worn on the bicep and the head. Owning a pair of Tefillin (and wearing them!) is an important part of Jewish identity. But since they are expensive (about $400), not every Bar Mitzvah boy has a pair. To make sure you get kosher Tefillin, see here.

In 1944, the Nazis perpetrated the Children's Action in the Kovno Ghetto. That day and the next, German soldiers conducted house-to-house searches to round up all children under age 12 (and adults over 55) -- and sent them to their deaths at Fort IX. Eventually, the Germans blew up every house with grenades and dynamite, on suspicion that Jews might be in hiding in underground bunkers. They then poured gasoline over much of the former ghetto and incinerated it. Of the 37,000 Jews in Kovno before the Holocaust, less than 10 percent survived. One of the survivors was Rabbi Ephraim Oshri, who later published a stirring collection of rabbinical responsa, detailing his life-and-death decisions during the Holocaust. Also on this date, in 1937, American Jews held a massive anti-Nazi rally in New York City's Madison Square Garden.

In a letter to someone who found it difficult to study Torah, the 20th century sage the Chazon Ish wrote:

"Some people find it hard to be diligent in their Torah studies. But the difficulty persists only for a short while - if the person sincerely resolves to submerge himself in his studies. Very quickly the feelings of difficulty will go away and he will find that there is no worldly pleasure that can compare with the pleasure of studying Torah diligently."

Although actions generally have much greater impact than thoughts, thoughts may have a more serious effect in several areas.

The distance that our hands can reach is quite limited. The ears can hear from a much greater distance, and the reach of the eye is much farther yet. Thought, however, is virtually limitless in its reach. We can think of objects millions of light years away, and so we have a much greater selection of improper thoughts than of improper actions.

Thought also lacks the restraints that can deter actions. One may refrain from an improper act for fear of punishment or because of social disapproval, but the privacy of thought places it beyond these restraints.

Furthermore, thoughts create attitudes and mindsets. An improper action creates a certain amount of damage, but an improper mindset can create a multitude of improper actions. Finally, an improper mindset can numb our conscience and render us less sensitive to the effects of our actions. We therefore do not feel the guilt that would otherwise come from doing an improper act.

We may not be able to avoid the occurrence of improper impulses, but we should promptly reject them and not permit them to dwell in our mind.

Today I shall...

make special effort to avoid harboring improper thoughts.

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