Make It Stop: The Worst of the Week of 11.22.13

Time once more for Make It Stop, in which we count down the three things this week that must stop.

1. The Chicago/New York pizza war. Un-resolvable arguments are always stupid, but they're doubly stupid when they involve food. I spent part of my childhood growing up in Chicago, eating deep dish pizza. I lived in New York for six years as an adult, and ate enough slices while drunk to fill out Rob Ford's body (my wife frequented a joint she and her friends nicknamed Rat Pizza because she saw a rat there one time, but the slices at Rat Pizza were good enough to overcome such gripes). I like both pizzas. I prefer New York pizza (and I really prefer New Haven pizza), but you know what? I'm not gonna convince anyone who sees things differently. If I say YOUR PIZZA SUCKS to some Chicago dude, he's not gonna be like, "Wow, I never looked at it that way before! Thanks, provincial New York fuckhead!" It doesn't work that way. People like what they like.

So can it with this whole horseshit pizza war. What the fuck are you even fighting for? Your favorite pizza already won in your home city. It makes no sense to puff your chest and take pride in some pizza that, most of the time, you didn't even fucking cook. And again, New Haven owns both of your sorry asses.

2. Poor Peter Gammons analogies. Peter Gammons is arguably the most respected baseball reporter in America, so when he says on Mike Lupica's radio show that Alex Rodriguez is kinda like the Boston Marathon bombers, it's a jarring fuck-up. I expect that from Lupica, because he's a moron. But not Gammons. Anyway, Gammons apologized and I don't think he'll get shitcanned for what he said, which is as it should be. In today's micro-analyzed media environment, everyone should be allowed at least ONE bad slip. Call it your "Hitler". You get one Hitler to use at any time in your life to say one breathtakingly dumb thing, and you get to avoid scrutiny for it. You can plan your Hitler. Or you can save it for when you fuck up by accident (I'll be using it right after this post). Either way, once your Hitler is used, you don't get to compare purple-lipped ballplayers to terrorists again. So take note, Peter. Your one Hitler has been burned.

3. The JFK nostalgia parade. Baby Boomers love any opportunity to tell you that they lived in more important times than you do, and so when something like the anniversary of JFK's death pops up, rest assured they will bleed that fucker for all its worth. I keep waiting for them to offer a special diamond anniversary tennis bracelet to commemorate the occasion. There should be a cap on how much you get to reminisce about the Kennedys. Or Woodstock. You didn't even go!

4. Strange young women marrying serial killers. Charles Manson might be getting married to a woman who is over fifty years younger than him (makes sense: he always was pretty convincing with women that age). Why the fuck is he allowed to do this, again? Why is he even allowed to pose for a photo with that chick in the same room? Ever read Helter Skelter? Manson's evil is so vast that it will ruin your mind. No one who orchestrates a massacre gets to get married again. Make it law, bitch.

5. The filibuster. Wait, they DID stop it? Well, I'll be.

Drew Magary is a GQ correspondent and a staff writer for Deadspin. Follow him on Twitter via @drewmagary and order his new book about fatherhood, Someone Could Get Hurt, at his website