This copy is for your personal non-commercial use only. To order presentation-ready copies of Toronto Star content for distribution to colleagues, clients or customers, or inquire about permissions/licensing, please go to: www.TorontoStarReprints.com

You’d be forgiven for thinking that Monday’s episode of The Bachelor was run past a focus group of 12-year-old boys.

A lot of time was spent focusing on villain Corinne’s breasts, whether she was showing them off during a photo shoot or talking about what it was like when Bachelor Nick Viall touched them or obsessing about whether her breasts were better than contestant Brittany’s.

And when we weren’t watching Corinne shove her boobs or her tongue at Nick we were preoccupied with his past sexual interlude with Liz and whether the other contestants would find out about it.

Big shocker (not): they did! The episode ended with Nick confessing to the other women that he and Liz had done the deed, and the implication that some of the women would be so upset they’d walk out.

To be continued . . . duh, duh, duh, duh.

Article Continued Below

Almost an after-thought in between the risqué content was a date with one of the more sensible-seeming contestants, neonatal nurse Danielle M. Even worse, her harrowing story of finding her fiancé dead of a drug overdose was treated as if it was somehow on the same level as Nick getting dumped a couple of times on TV.

Hint: nobody died when Kaitlyn Bristowe and Andi Dorfman kicked Nick to the curb.

I know sex sells and all that, but this salacious start to the season doesn’t bode well for Nick’s supposedly serious quest to find a wife.

Let’s break the episode down.

Group Date No. 1: So Nick took Corinne, Vanessa, Sarah, Alexis (a.k.a. Dolphin Shark Girl), Hailey, Lacey, Brittany, Jasmine, Raven, Danielle L., Taylor and Elizabeth W. on a bridal photo shoot with a dude who appeared to be straight out of central casting for a flamboyant European photographer but is apparently a real model turned shooter and designer (did you see his multicoloured romper?) named Franco Lacosta.

Some of the women had to wear cheesy bride getups (“Shotgun Bride” anyone?) and the rest had to be bridesmaids (yes, there were seafoam dresses).

The incessantly annoying Corinne got to wear a bikini, which had her preening happily (“I am definitely the hottest bride”) until Brittany came out dressed in nothing but leaf-covered bikini bottoms and strategically placed hanks of hair.

“Brittany is half-naked and that’s freaking me out. . . . She better not steal my thunder or I will literally punch her in the face,” said Corinne, as her collagen-infused pout got poutier.

The photo shoot turned into a Nick-kissing contest, which had Corinne declaring, “I’m gonna have to step up my game.” And then, after Nick and Brittany clinched and kissed while both topless, she said, “I feel like I need to one-up her and make him feel the more Corinne side of Corinne.”

Except it was the front, not the side, she made Nick feel after she removed her bikini top as they posed in a pool and insisted Nick put his hands over her breasts.

“Nick held my boobs today, like, he held my boobs-uh. No one has ever held my boobs like that,” enthused Corinne.

Franco decided her enthusiasm was deserving of the special prize of an extra photo shoot with Nick, clothed this time.

But Corinne was far from done. At the cocktail party, she stole extra time with Nick twice from other women, mainly so she could smooch him.

The best part was the lecture she gave the others about her brazenness. “Guys, if you can’t handle being interrupted, why did you come here?” she asked. Also, “My nipple might have been out when I was talking to Nick, but it’s fine.” Again with the breasts.

The even better part was when Taylor, whom Corinne had interrupted, decided to interrupt Corinne right back. “She re-interrupted me, which obviously is very rude,” Corinne fumed.

You may be thinking: Didn’t Taylor just give Corinne a taste of her own medicine? Well, no, because Taylor “directed” her interruption at Corinne and “if you take a direct hit at Corinne I’m going to say something,” said Corinne.

Unable to get a rise out of Taylor when she confronted her, Corrine resorted to lecturing again: “We’re here for one reason and that’s Nick. And you have to go and do what’s good for you, and you have to be true to yourself. No matter how it makes people feel you have to be there for yourself, so just remember that,” she said as the other women gave her hostile stares.

Oh my God, shut up already!

Unfortunately, Nick gave Corinne the date rose so she kept on talking.

“I was myself. That’s all I did, guys, literally. I was just Corinne,” said Corinne, responding to the even more hostile stares.

“If Nick is just looking for someone leading with their sexuality no wonder it’s his fourth time” on a reality show, observed Raven. Word.

One-on-One Date with Danielle M.: Danielle kept her clothes on and didn’t latch onto Nick’s lips at the first opportunity. In fact, she and Nick took a helicopter ride, a Bachelor favourite, and waited until the helicopter landed on a yacht, they had some wine and cheese, and they were in the hot tub before fitting in a smooch.

At dinner, in the interest of getting Danielle up to speed on his sordid Bachelorette history, Nick shared how he had planned to get engaged to Andi Dorfman and Kaitlyn Bristowe until they dumped him, which had him feeling foolish and stupid but also glad he’d been willing to trust unconditionally and put himself at risk of getting hurt, blah, blah, blah.

And that encouraged Danielle to open up about her fiancé who died: “He overdosed on drugs and I found him.”

What?

Danielle was actually apprehensive to tell Nick about this lest he dump her! A guy simultaneously dating 22 women on his fourth go-round on a reality dating show!

“Not only do I not think less of you, but I admire you a lot more now that I’ve learned about your past,” said Nick. “I don’t think you should ever feel embarrassed about that.”

Uh, yeah, no kidding.

Anyway, all of this sharing made Danielle happy. With her date rose in hand, she and Nick climbed aboard a Ferris wheel for some more kissing.

Group Date No. 2: After starting the episode with faux weddings, we zoomed straight past the middle part to end with faux breakups as Nick took Christen, Josephine, Astrid, Jaimi, Kristina and Liz to the Museum of Broken Relationships.

What could be more romantic than gazing at the engagement ring that Nick planned to give to Kaitlyn next to a dessicated rose and watching allegedly real couples call it quits as part of an “Art of the Breakup” symposium?

And what could be a better setting for Liz to spill enough of the beans about her tryst with Nick to precipitate the next conflict?

Liz had been obsessing throughout the episode about whether she’d get to clear the air with Nick about their hookup. And since a secret is no fun if you can’t reveal it, she told Christen all about it in confidence.

But Christen wasn’t blabbing and Nick was studiously avoiding Liz on the group date, so during her “breakup” with Nick, Liz tried to move the plot along by reading aloud a description of her real-life encounter with Nick.

But Nick still wasn’t biting . . . until Christen used her one-on-one time to reveal that she knew that Nick and Liz had sex.

So Nick finally talked to Liz and asked her, “If you had wanted to pursue a relationship with me why didn’t I hear from you?”

First Liz said it was because she didn’t really know Nick; then she said it was because he’d been shooting Bachelor in Paradise, which he pointed out took about a month; and then she said it was because “I don’t necessarily like phone conversations if I already have an established relationship with somebody.”

“The more I talk to Liz the less she makes sense,” said Nick, stating the obvious.

Clearly, Liz had to go and she did, but Nick decided he had to come clean with the other women, who couldn’t help but notice he and Liz had been gone a long time.

“I’m just gonna level with you guys,” said Nick, explaining that he met Liz at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, “and Liz and I had sex that night.”

Cue the shock and consternation, and the “To be continued” graphic.

Based on the promo for next week it looks like the women are upset, but whether that has anything to do with Nick having sex with Liz remains to be seen.

The Toronto Star and thestar.com, each property of Toronto Star Newspapers Limited, One Yonge Street, 4th Floor, Toronto, ON, M5E 1E6. You can unsubscribe at any time. Please contact us or see our privacy policy for more information.

More from the Toronto Star & Partners

LOADING

Copyright owned or licensed by Toronto Star Newspapers Limited. All rights reserved. Republication or distribution of this content is expressly prohibited without the prior written consent of Toronto Star Newspapers Limited and/or its licensors. To order copies of Toronto Star articles, please go to: www.TorontoStarReprints.com