The Six Worst Things You Can Say to a Guy

Every so often I check out Cosmo since they’re kind of the pre-eminent sex column writers just to see if I can guess what the article is about just based on the title and my sex-columnist expertise alone. This week’s top column was entitled “The Six Worst Things You Can Say to a Guy” and I’m pretty sure I nailed this one.

The six worst things you can say to a guy (according to me):

1. “You have cancer. Of the penis.”

2. “Hey, sweetie. I burned down your house while you were out of town this weekend because I heard some girl on your answering machine and I thought you were cheating on me. I had no idea that was your sister until way later. Sorry.”

3. “Also, I may have stabbed your sister a few times. Then she killed your dog. By proxy. You know, because he was in the house when I set fire to it after she was provoking me to commit arson by accidentally making me think that you deserved it. She’s a terrible person. If anything, you should be thanking me.”

4. “Remember that night of heavy drinking when you had those 18 shots of whiskey in a row? Yeah. You’ve been in a coma for the last 73 years. Welcome to your catheter.”

5. “I don’t want to alarm you but all of your arms and legs have just fallen off.”

Okay, so I just went and checked Cosmo and none of their answers had to do with arson or penis cancer or dog murder. Which I think means I’m a terrible sex columnist or that the people of Cosmo just don’t have very good imaginations. I’m going with the second one.

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Jenny is that weird girl at your school that you never talked to and you wondered what happened to her and turns out she's still weird and writes a series of blogs and columns about ninjas and sasquatches and porn. You can find her at thebloggess.com. She's odd and we wonder how she managed to live this long.

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