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The Greatest Moments in TBOX Police Report History

Forget It’s a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street. Nothing brings out the best in humanity over the holiday season quite like drinking at 8am with 20,000 other maniacs crawling through Wrigleyville in stained Santa suits. They call it TBOX, the Twelve Bars of Christmas Pub Crawl, and it’s come to define debaucherous day-drinking in Chicago every December, the type that no amount of cereal can prevent and no untagging of Facebook photos can wipe away. The fine folks at the Crime in Wrigleyville + Boystown blog compile details from the police scanner each TBOX day, here are 10 highlights from the last two years with some reasonable conclusions we’ve drawn.

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10. “9:35PM: A resident in the 3300 block of Clark reports an unknown drunk man on her fire escape. He’s wearing a red holiday sweater.”

This has all the makings of a classic holiday rom-com. The man on fire escape is a long-lost boyfriend trying to sneak into the apartment to lovingly place an engagement ring under the tree. Or the “red holiday sweater” in question was stolen from Freddy Krueger after too many TBOX cereal shooters. Come to think of it, this one could go either way.

9. “1:43PM: Fire Department reports that [a] man down at Belmont and Seminary is now lying in traffic. He’s wearing a ‘bright red, fancy Santa suit.’”

Is this some radical new way to get cars to stop for pedestrians in Chicago crosswalks? Probably more effective than the half-ass stop signs we have now. Best part: it’s not just a Santa suit. It’s a fancy Santa suit.

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7.“6:44PM: White male in a black sweater jumping in front of cars at Addison and Wilton.”

Dear Santa: You are not Superman. No matter how many fire shots you took down.

6.“4:10PM: White male wearing green pants is chasing cars in the street at Clark and Newport.”

What the hell is going on with TBOX and cars? There must be something about that holiday magic that turns people into mindless car-chasing dogs by mid-afternoon. Would explain the public urination at least.

5.“3:19PM: White guy wearing a red Christmas vest and a white shirt is trying to get into cars at Halsted and Belmont.”

Okay, now it’s breaking into cars. Although, if you’re gonna be a criminal mastermind, you might want to at least wait until dark to break into cars. And you might want to lose the Christmas vest. Kinda makes you stand out.

4.“4:42PM: At Dark Horse bar, a drunk caller wants the police because the bouncer won’t let her back in.”

3.“9:03PM: A resident in the 3300 block of N. Kenmore says an intoxicated teen in a Santa costume keeps knocking on her back door and blocking the entrance to her home.

9:08PM: The teenaged Santa on Kenmore is now ‘having a tussle’ with a neighbor who tried to intervene.

9:11PM: Santa teen is arrested for assault. Case HW571101. Unknown officer suggests ‘Santa has too much tea in his box.’”

We may never know the true story here. But we do know that a cop suggesting in a police report that Santa had “too much tea in his box” is kind of the greatest thing ever. Also, what does that even mean?

2.“6:19PM: ‘White male wearing a white bird costume has passed out on the hood of a car,’ 3524 Halsted.

6:20PM: Officer confirms: ‘I believe an ambulance is warranted. Drunk male. Dressed as a bird. Passed out on the hood of a vehicle.’ Birdman gets hospitalized.”

Now, nothing is funny about a person getting hospitalized. Unless that person was hospitalized for passing out on the hood of a car. Wearing a bird costume.

1.“1:26PM: A woman wearing a Santa hat, red sweater, and jeans is urinating under the L tracks at Sheffield and Roscoe ‘right next to the porta-potties.’ In the spirit of the holidays, a man is urinating next to her.”

Happy holidays everyone, looking forward to what December 12th brings.

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Jay Gentile is a Thrillist contributor and he totally wants to wear that bird costume to this year’s TBOX, if you’re not using it. Follow him:@innerviewmag.