We Have to Stop Calling Intermarrieds, “Intermarrieds!”

We have to stop referring to intermarrieds as “.” It’s an archaic term that is too restrictive and in some communities, in some cultures, actually smacks of “profiling.” This isn’t as severe a term as the phrase “non-Jewish spouse” but even that term is weighted in today’s world.

“Intermarried” in certain religious movements includes people of patrilineal descent, while in others it does not. The word, “intermarried” in some communities includes same sex couples but in others it does not and most likely, never will. The word, “intermarried” certainly does not include couples where one party is not Jewish who are not married and let’s face it this population is growing.

We need, a more precise yet inclusive language.

This past summer, I was approached by a recently secularly married man who wished to have me officiate at his religious marriage ceremony which would take place in the following year. He found me because I had officiated at his first cousin’s marriage a number of years earlier. He was a patrilineal Jew and realized that in order for me to officiate some things, to quote him, “had to be fixed.”

My response was immediate, “of course I will officiate at your wedding and yes there are certain items that need to be addressed but I want you to know that you are Jewish by a different definition. In order for me to officiate you will need to undergo a “ceremony of completion.” This simple rephrasing placed this young man at ease and eliminated any reasons he might have had to my halakhic concerns.

In order to recognize the increased diversity that is occurring within our communities, phrases like, “people who were born into different religious traditions” need to replace words like “intermarrieds and intermarriage.” The former is embracing, the latter is restrictive and isolating. Our communities are challenged to create “A Language of Inclusion” and replacing the word, “intermarriage” is one step in the right direction.

Rabbi Charles Simon is the Executive Director of the FJMC (Federation of Jewish Mens’ Clubs) the male volunteer arm of the Conservative/Masorti Movement.

Yes, it is certainly a different world than the one in which we grew up. One of my children married a person who was not born Jewish. I was preparing to cope with an intermarried family but, in fact, they are a Jewish family with one parent who is not Jewish. Shabbat is observed with candle lighting, kiddush, hamotzi, and havdalah, and my grandaughter is in an early childhood program at a day school. The non-Jewish parent voluntarily decided to give up the last vestiges of a non-Jewish upbringing, such as Xmas trees and Easter egg hunts. Maybe some day all members of the family will be Jewish, but whether or not that happens, I am delighted that my grandchildren are indeed growing up in Jewish family.

We could also call people what they are. “Christian,” “non-practicing Catholic,” or “devout Muslim,” are all preferable alternative to “non-Jew.” When possible, let’s make sure to ask the individuals we write about how they self-identify and what adjective they would like to be used to refer to them.

At Big Tent Judaism/Jewish Outreach Institute we often refer to people “of other religious or cultural backgrounds.” That’s another good alternative when we don’t have more precise information about the individual’s identity.

I think the essence of welcome is to address people the way they wish to be addressed. I agree with our author that no one likes to be pigeonholed as “other”. That said, there is no one term that encompasses all the diversity of our communities.

There are many Jewish families in which one or more members are not Jewish. Similarly, many of our congregations and communities include those have come to choose Judaism from other faiths and those who have not. Some folks are engaging because they are exploring Jewish life for themselves and others participate in Jewish communal life for the sake of their family. It’s a good thing! Although I am not Jewish, I participate in my synagogue life, and the title I want is “member of the synagogue” and “part of the community”. From my Jewish children, the only title I need is “Mom”.

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