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Back to Life.Back to Tranquility.Back to Positivity.Back to Love.Back to Hope.Back to God.Back to Dreams.Back to Adventure.Back to Peace.

I can say that my life since returning to Temple for my senior year….hasn't been reflective of the light inside of me.

My life did fall apart starting in September 2010. God and I were able to salvage it through those times and rise up from the ashes all the way through the summer of 2011 but when I returned to school that August to begin my senior year….it's been a struggle since with one thing after another.

Of course, there have been many a great times (albeit fleeting). I went to Los Angeles in July 2012. I set a goal and was able to achieve that goal by moving back to Philadelphia and supporting myself by December 2012. I was able to get a second job under the Marriott branch in October 2013. And in January 2014, I was able to take my sister and best friend to Puerto Rico, Niagara Falls is happening tomorrow with the love of my life, and our Deep Creek Lake excursion with a few of my pals is happening in exactly one week.

Amid all of those great times and memories that have and will be cemented, a lot of pain, struggle, and trauma has happened since…and those are the times that will truly stick with you forever and drag you down in the mud.

Rob and I's relationship has for the most part been steady with some very rocky roads and wobbly sections. Oftentimes, for no reason at all, Rob will just stop talking to me. He'll ignore calls and texts, he'll cancel plans, he'll bring my stuff to my house, just like he is pushing me away. Sometimes it's something that I did or some that he perceived me to have done, but to be honest….sometimes it's nothing at all. Sometimes he needs his space. Sometimes he's mad, sad, frustrated, concerned, and might need a bit of space to work through things. I get that. I just wish that he'd express this to me.

Yesterday I saw him, and he basically blew it off like I was crazy and had issues when I said that he wasn't talking to me and that he cancelled our Niagara excursion (that we un-cancelled). Like I said, sometimes I realize that it might be all in my head…I just like to make sure.

But I say all of this to point out that I know it will be tough, but I really want to get back to that "Think-Positive", "Peace & Love" version of me that I took on during my freshman and sophomore years at Temple. That naive, blissful mindset made that time particularly smoother for me because I chose not to dwell on the negativity that plagued me throughout high school. I would also love to throw in the spirituality and strong words of positive quotations that I embodied through Sept '10 - Sept '11.

I remember my senior year and afterward…I prayed everyday…and felt like God let me down and haven't quite been able to shake that feeling.

But I want to get back to that general good feeling. The feeling of determination where I wanted to grow and be better, but I also wasn't expecting anything from life and being grateful for where I was, what I have, what I have been through, and this process called life.

I think it's time to put my positive quotations back up on the wall. Getting in the routine of thanking God for my blessings and asking NOTHING in return and maybe even start with daily affirmations where before I go to bed and when I wake up….recite an empowering passage that gives me strength, hope, and puts these positive vibes into the universe.

I'm learning that you really can't expect anything from anyone in this life, but with a little persistence and positivity…it always works itself out. Seneca is playing with these gym membership deal, Blair didn't get back to me (as I knew he wouldn't…that's why i was leery of the whole 'i'll get back with you early next week' bit), and Germaine literally paid my proposal dust bunnies and just made Hazel a manager. It works out since David likes working 2nd shift and Hazel like's 1st shift.

So it still kinda seems as if I'm striking out left and right sweatdrop But I don't want to let it bother me, I was watching Fairy Tail (again) and it seems as though the "Queen of the Exceeds" was just a fraud with little magic power (except to foresee into someone's future to see their death)….if anything a broken exceed who became a false God to protect herself….and her people but…..when she came clean….everyone still loved her and banded together to save their homeland without a flinch. I was truly inspired by that redemption story. Better things are on the horizon. I just need to get back to the place where I truly believe this to be true…and I think I know a good way to start on that track again.