Hale: Can't scratch everything off to-do list yet

Published 5:30 am, Monday, May 2, 2011

WINEDALE — When you get old and live in a peculiar house way out in the woods, people search and find you and ask questions.

So here in Washington County, we had visitors again last week, and one of the questions they asked was: After living all these years, have you seen and done everything you wanted to see and do?

The answer is no, I never did get a good start on the list I made back in 1950.

I kept a loose time schedule for that list, showing approximately when I hoped to accomplish each item. For example, the schedule says that by 1970, I should have returned safely from my big trip to South America, and I haven’t even left yet.

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A lot of planning went into that journey. I intended to buy a sturdy vehicle and have it customized inside, so I could live and work in it. And hide if the natives were not friendly.

I would drive down through Mexico and Central America, and into Colombia, Ecuador, Peru, Bolivia, Chile and all the way to the tip of South America, making friends and collecting stories which I would weave into a best-selling adventure book.

However, something came up that caused me to delay that trip. I think it had to do with coaching Little League, and buying braces for teeth, and making house payments.

But that was the best trip I never made.

Here’s another large item on my list: By 1980, I planned to be sitting in a crowded theater, watching an Academy Award-winning movie based on one of my novels. I intended the star to be Paul Newman.

The book still is floating around in Hollywood and New York. It’s been scripted at least twice, and optioned, and re-optioned, and re-re-optioned. I once sent a copy to Newman, but I suppose he was busy mixing his salad dressing and didn’t have time to read it. And now he has gone and died on me.

The people who hold the film option keep saying they hope to make the movie soon, that the only thing holding them up is the lack of several million dollars of production costs.

Recently, I wrote them and said I no longer worried that I’d be too old to watch the film. I worry now that they’re getting too old to make it.

Moving along, to one of my favorite items on the list. It has to do with the stock tank here at the Winedale place.

What I’ve long wanted is a photo of me and my son and my grandson, all fishing together on the bank of that tank. The reason is, this little body of water is a personal project of mine. It exists because of me. I paid a guy to survey the site. I hired a dozer operator to dig the tank and build the dam to hold the water. This was money I earned by writing homely sentences no fancier than this one.

I watched the rain come and fill the hole to make the tank. And I went to Brenham and bought baby fish and released them in the water, and I bought high-protein pellets to feed these fish and make them big and catchable. Of all the improvements on this crazy place, none is mine the way this tank is.

But somehow we’ve never been able to get the three generations together for the picture. The Fates keep denying us. This year, for instance, all the grandkids will be here for my birthday and look at the tank. The drought has taken away all its water, and the raccoons and the herons have waded around in the puddles and eaten all my fish.

Speaking of birthdays, here’s a boldfaced entry sitting near the top of my list of things that need doing: For 15 years, I’ve planned to do the Loop 610 Driving Test on my 90th birthday.

This is the test I’ve taken regularly ever since I turned 75, by driving alone around the Loop. Idea is, to see if I’m still comfortable handling Houston traffic. So far, I haven’t had any trouble.

But now I’ve made a mistake. I’ve talked too much about my plan to take the test on my 90th, and I’ve got family and friends urging me not to do it, that it’s way too dangerous.
They make it sound like I’m planning to walk a high wire across Main Street. The fact is, driving around the Loop is not much of a driving skill test. Just get in the middle, go with the flow, maintain sensible spacing, and watch out for the damn fools playing car race games.

Even so, I’m not sure I’ll get to do the test again. They may talk me out of it. And then there’s this:

My driver’s license expires on my birthday. Getting a renewal is the first test I’ll have to pass. At my age, that may turn out to be a lot harder than driving 36 miles around the Loop.

Hale parties hard for the big 9-0

When you turn 90, you deserve a birthday party. And when you're much-loved columnist Leon Hale, you deserve more than one.

Hale's family is inviting his fans to join them for cake and his favorite vanilla ice cream at 2 p.m. May 28 at the Round Top Rifle Association Hall, 710 FM 1457 just north of Round Top.

"It's a great opportunity for him to meet and thank all his 'customers' for their friendship and readership over the years," said Gabrielle Hale, his wife.

Instead of gifts, the Hales suggest donations to Round Top-area nonprofit organizations, said former Houstonian Henk Bergen, who now lives in Round Top.

"The organizations will be listed at the party, and donation envelopes will be provided," he said. "We're hoping for a large turnout."

And so they don't run out of cake and ice cream, RSVP to leonhale90@att.net if you'd like to join the celebration.

The winner of the Houston Chronicle contest to win a seat at Hale's birthday luncheon in Houston will be announced next Sunday.