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When DC Comics drives a popular creator off of a book through editorial interference, they usually like to do it after the book has been solicited for maximum negative publicity, which we imagine powers some kind of doomsday device hidden in a sublevel of their corporate headquarters. However, a new post on novelist Brian Keene's website indicates that DC is ramping up their timetable, as Keene was apparently driven off of two or three ongoing titles that weren't even announced, and were planned to start sometime next year. From the post:

I was supposed to write two ongoing series for DC Comics next year (with the possibility of a third), but when it became clear to me that I would not be a good fit with the current editorial team, I walked away before the series were announced. (Since I was paid a kill fee, professional decorum requires that I say no more, so please don’t ask).

The post also contains a treatise ranking Keene's preference for which social media network fans should contact him on (long story short: tweet your dick pics to @BrianKeene), and if you're interested in checking out Keene's novels or past comics work, you can find some convenient links to those there as well (the post is, after all, originally intended as a new reader orientation).

It's becoming commonplace for creators to announce their departure from DC books via personal blogs or social media, but this marks the first time one has done so this far in advance. We don't know what books Keene was working on, but our sources suggest that this may be part of a new initiative at DC to increase net profits by creating embarrassing controversies around books that the company doesn't even have to bother producing.

"Humiliating public scandals are the bread and butter of DC's executive business strategy," explained DC Co-Publisher Dan Didio, who appears frequently in drug induced hallucinations whenever we drop acid before writing our articles. "Obviously these scandals can be expensive because we have to pay creative teams, printers, black market lenticular paper cartels, and all sorts of other unnecessary expenses before the sweet payoff of media backlash and nerd rage. If we could create scandals around the concept of books that the creative team never even has to start on, it would be pure profit.

"Just imagine it," the vivid hallucination continued. "We would never have to publish another comic again. We'd just hire popular creators to write blog posts saying they're not going to write or draw one for us, and, cha ching, the money comes rolling in."

We tried to convince the lifelike apparition to explain exactly how negative publicity and widespread outrage translated to revenue streams, but he soon morphed into several shrieking skulls and proceeded to fly around our head threateningly, so we felt the better course of action would be to lie down on the floor, curl into the fetal position, and whimper softly until the drugs wore off.

We think that driving an award winning, best-selling novelist and comic book writer away from books is pretty goddamn stupid. However, since Keene could not ethically provide any specific information or further details on the books, and the stupidity technically takes place sometime in the future, we are unable to justify an official Has DC Done Something Stupid Today counter reset. Thus, it has been 9 days since DC last did something stupid, 4 days shy of the record and counting. Can they break that record?! Stay tuned to The Outhouse, because our finger is on the button!

I was supposed to write two ongoing series for DC Comics next year (with the possibility of a third), but when it became clear to me that I would not be a good fit with the current editorial team, I walked away before the series were announced. (Since I was paid a kill fee, professional decorum requires that I say no more, so please don’t ask).

DC Comics are now PRE-Emptive driving creators off titles that do not exist. Do not EXIST. The existing titles were not enough, but now ones that are at best a maybe down the road?

All that's left is pissing off the kids of present day creators in case they follow in their parents footsteps career-wise.

Oh, there are the creators that are still just a gleam in their potential parents' eye to piss off too. Yes DC... warp time and piss them off too.

So, they piss off adults, kids and sperm. That's some sort of awesome talent. The ultimate trolling.

"Why are you pointing your screwdrivers like that? They're scientific instruments, not water pistols.""Oh, the pointing again! They're screwdrivers! What are you going to do? Assemble a cabinet at them?""Are you capable of speaking without flapping your hands about?"""Timey" what? "Timey wimey"?"

IvCNuB4 wrote:The Old Doctor is Cat-Scratch ?Well that explains a lot :lol:

i just hope DC is being savvy enough to lower its pay package commisserate with the desperation of its new hires. after all, kids, a stint at DC will help your career far more than grubby dollars can! didnt hard working, smart attitude folks sleep at the office during the dotcom fraud (i meant "opportunity"). and other industries do those unpaid internship things because opportunity pays more than cash can. want a ten year unpaid internship? you dont even have to draw well. we treat tony daniels like a million bucks for that. you just need to show up with a good attitude. Your DC daddy will take care of ya. here show us what you got by drawing these scenes of a super villainness in an abusive relationship contemplating funny ways of offing herself.

LORD SIMIAN and AMOEBAS: Yeah, I can see how it would look that way to a newcomer. Folks have been asking if I was going to be doing more. I usually answer those types of questions during these semi-regular orientation posts. So I answered it today. Sorry for any confusion or consternation this may have caused.

But to be fair, "not yet announced" doesn't mean "doesnt exist". That'd be like if a movie didn't exist because commercials haven't begun airing on tv then...

No, they don't exist as they have not yet been made. Hard to make a title without a creator. Unless they take the idea and run with some one else... like here it could be Rob Liefeld. Whenever some creator of talent bails out.. insert Rob Liefeld.

"Why are you pointing your screwdrivers like that? They're scientific instruments, not water pistols.""Oh, the pointing again! They're screwdrivers! What are you going to do? Assemble a cabinet at them?""Are you capable of speaking without flapping your hands about?"""Timey" what? "Timey wimey"?"

IvCNuB4 wrote:The Old Doctor is Cat-Scratch ?Well that explains a lot :lol:

LORD SIMIAN and AMOEBAS: Yeah, I can see how it would look that way to a newcomer. Folks have been asking if I was going to be doing more. I usually answer those types of questions during these semi-regular orientation posts. So I answered it today. Sorry for any confusion or consternation this may have caused.

There's gonna be one tiny purple ball too and it's gonna be called the "Stephanie Brown" and it'll be buried under a pile of many red balls labeled "EDGY and GRITTY."

sdsichero wrote:I especially like and admire Zechs. He's everything I wish I could be!