As Murphy and Levi head towards Ashdod, Murphy fills Levi in on the events of the first book, of the finding of the piece of the bronze serpent. In doing so, he makes this slightly strange remark about his dead wife, Laura:

“Laura had an uncanny ability to read and understand maps, some sort of an intuitive sense of geological transformation through time.”

Which seems a rather dismissive way to dismiss a skill. Like, Lura couldn’t be good at maps because of intelligence and careful study of cartography and geology. No, it was some sort of feminine intuition.

So it kinda ends up that there’s a vague explanation for the whole serpent being together now, and Murphy opines that The Seven will allow it to “became a symbol of worship. In the wrong hands, it could be used to make people believe that they may be healed from all types of illness and disease.”

That seems a little disingenuous of Murphy to say, since the bronze serpent isn’t something that makes people believe they may be healed; it is something that actually heals people, at least according to the Bible. So if the AntiChrist uses it to heal people, he will actually be healing people, despite the fact that he is definitially eeeeevil by LaHaye logic.

Also, all this farting around for hundreds of pages has actually put the reader several steps ahead of our genius archaeologist hero. Because we already know that Talon has given the serpent to the AntiChrist.

Heck, this chapter serves no purpose other than to catch up Levi on stuff the readers already know, since nothing of importance to the mission has happened in hundreds of pages. Nope we’re all caught up now, and Murphy’s car is mere minutes from the dig site!

Well, 53 chapters in out of 68, 386 pages in out of 481, and Michael Murphy is (you won’t believe it!) ACTUALLY ON A PLANE TO ISRAEL TO GO LOOK FOR SOME KINF OF ARCHAEOLOGICAL THINGIE.

But if there’s one thing Phillips and Jenkins have in common, it’s their love of travel mundanities!

Murphy always chose an aisle seat when traveling by plane.

When traveling by foot, it was a moot point.

In case of an emergency, he didn’t like the idea of being boxed in.

Yes, in case of an emergency, he preferred to immediately leap to his feet and trample over children and the elderly as quickly as possible.

Sitting in the same seat for ten to twelve hours was not his idea of fun.

Wow, once again, we get a glimpse into the unique and complex workings of Michael Murphy’s mind!

Murphy checks with the flight attendant and sees that there are five hours left in his flight. My quick Googling tells me that Murphy would probably take a quick flight from Raleigh to NYC, then do a direct NYC to Tel Aviv, which would take about ten hours, so he’s about halfway done.

Murphy stifled a groan and thought, People who like to travel just haven’t traveled enough.

In fact, let’s unpack this little statement even further. Murphy doesn’t want to be on the long plane trip. Okay, fine…sorta…except this plane trip is taking him to the place that will allow him not only to find artifacts that will (if he ever manages to bring one home intact) prove the Bible, but also to have “adventures in foreign countries and [meet] strange and exotic people.” It’s generally difficult to have adventures in foreign countries and meet strange and exotic people without hopping a plane to get to those foreign countries.

Next is my visceral reaction…

OH MY GOD CAN MURPHY NOT STOP BEING A FUCKING ANNOYING WHINER FOR EVEN TEN SECONDS???

Does Phillips think this makes Michael Murphy a more attractive hero? Because Murphy does this CONSTANTLY, whine about the most mundane daily matters. He reminds me of Trump–never opening his mouth but to bitch and complain. I seriously would not put up with this level of whining from a four-year-old, let alone a grown-ass man.

Next: I know not everyone agrees with this idea, but I’ll just put it out there:

The man’s got ten hours to do…well, not anything, but lots of things. Hey, he’s a professor–maybe he could grade some papers (instead of pawning them off on his TA) or prepare some class notes for the class he is abandoning in the middle of the semester. AGAIN.

(Oh, and on that note, I’d just like to reiterate that this professor, who routinely hauls ass out of the country to remote locations during the semester, is “sick to his stomach” at the thought of Dean Fallworth, who actually does publish and actually does teach, becoming President of the college.)

And he didn’t feel like doing his, yanno, job, he could do what millions of people do on planes every day: read, do puzzles, play a game, listen to music, watch a movie. Now, granted, this book came out in 2006, so there probably weren’t 100 movies in a personalized screen on the seat in front of Murphy, like on my last flight. But there probably is an in-flight movie, in-flight music, and Murphy could always bring a book, a CD Walkman, or even an iPod, if he wanted to listen to some wholesome Christian stuff.

Next: as usual, Murphy has completely forgotten about everyone else when their faces are not right in front of his. And he has, of course, left all the emotional heavy lifting behind in Raleigh, to be conveniently taken care of by a woman he barely knows. So, two days after her pseudo-boyfriend’s funeral, Shari is forced to crash at the apartment of a stranger, while her mentor and pseudo-father is off doing his own thing.

And now, both Murphy and Shari have lost Significant Others at the hands of Talon. (Granted, Shari’s brother was already killed by Talon, but I’m pretty sure Murphy, Shari, and Phillips have all forgotten that happened.) Isn’t Murphy, of all people, in a position to counsel Shari on how it feels to lose a loved one in this VERY SPECIFIC WAY?

Dear Shari,

As I look out the window at the Earth below, we all seem so small. I can’t see a single person below me–they’re too far away. But God sees. When Talon took Laura from me, I never felt farther from God. But in truth, He was never closer. These first few days will be the hardest for you, but I know, because I’ve been there myself, that someday the hurt and pain will fade, and be replaced by only the joyful memories. Until then, hold on and know that God is with you. Know that you can lean on me, and Summer, and Pastor Bob. I’m half a world away by now, but thinking of you and praying for you every moment. I know that by the grace of God, you will be able to pass through this dark time.

Yours in Christ,
MM

Or, yanno, something like that. (And I know, that’s kinda pushing aside that they all think Paul is currently being roasted in Hell, but we’ll just ignore that, because they always do.)

Oh, and speaking of Paul, you’d think Murphy would be a little bit less oblivious to the privilege of flying around the world to go on a wild goose chase, considering that Paul will never again enjoy the basic privilege of breathing, let alone flying anywhere to experience “adventures in foreign countries.”

Grr…

So, with all those options available to him, Murphy opts to spend the rest of the flight musing about Talon and The Seven. Phillips says he “[begins] to piece together” everything, but really he just takes stock, and does not make any logical inferences. In fact, after cataloguing everyone who has been killed by defying The Seven or accidentally getting in their way (like Paul), Murphy leaves himself with a question: “What was the extent of the Seven’s dark plans?”

Which, shouldn’t he kinda get it at this point. He thinks about “some boy,” but doesn’t imagine he might just be the AntiChrist?

Nope, he just switches gears and ruminates briefly about the faith healers (and Phillips doesn’t tell us what he actually thinks about it), then goes to sleep. Riveting.

When he wakes up, they’re on final descent, and Murphy manages to find something else that displeases him:

Someone out of the Spanish Inquisition must have designed these things.

STOP WHINING!! JUST STOP!!! IT IS SO DAMNED ANNOYING!!!

Levi meets him in the airport, and, speaking of Murphy being oblivious to his many privileges, manages to get him “through customs without having to stand in line.”

(Murphy doesn’t thank Levi, by the way, just says that “I do like your style.”

Un. Grateful.

Then they get breakfast and head out to the Temple, because Murphy still has his “gut feeling” that God has something specifically in store for him, and nobody else.

That Murphy. Truly a humble Christian, thankful for his many blessings.

While Talon is gallivanting around the world and meeting the antichrist in Rome, Murphy is doing something equally exciting, as befits the adventurous hero of this book: he’s partaking in a potluck luncheon in a church basement!

Oh, please stop. My poor heart, this nonstop excitement.

Pastor Bob invites everyone at the funeral back to the church:

“We know some of you ave traveled a great distance to honor the memory of Paul.”

Really? How far would people really be willing to travel to honor the memory of someone who attended their church exactly one time, two or three YEARS ago? Even if they’re there for Shari (and that’s not what Bob said), Paul was Shari’s on-again, off-again boyfriend, and they weren’t dating when he died, and hadn’t been dating for many months.

Oh, and even aside from all that, exactly one sentence earlier, Phillips reminds us that this is the Preston Community Church. So how far do people routinely commute to get to their community church?

Or maybe the potlucks at Preston Community Church really are that damn good:

Regardless, it doesn’t matter who else is at the potluck, because Murphy is there…and so is Summer!

Murphy totally adds new depth to both his and Summer’s character by thinking about how beautiful Summer is. Then they gossip about Shari and Paul like the sensitive people at a funeral that they are. Then Summer decides to invite Shari to spend the weekend at her house so they can “talk and do some girl things together.”

(I get the distinct impression that Phillips has no idea what “girls” would do when hanging out together. Have pillow fights, maybe? Look at unicorns?)

Murphy speaks for Shari and says that would be “wonderful,” though I feel like it would be exhausting to spend the weekend at the home of a complete stranger, forced to be social when I would probably rather just be sleeping.

But we never learn what Shari herself actually thinks (characters in this chapter gossip about Shari, but she never gets a chance to speak for herself), because Levi calls Murphy at that moment…to gossip about Shari, of course, but also to tell Murphy all about his time in Tel Aviv.

Yep, again, it is another character who has gone on an international adventure, while Murphy is eating some reheated baked spaghetti.

Levi has gotten permission for Murphy to search the Temple of Dagon in Ashdod. And man am I getting tired of reporting that other people are doing Murphy’s work for him. In fact, Levi apologizes to Murphy for this taking so long, and for the red tape, even though it has been Levi cutting through that tape, not Murphy. Levi reports that he hasn’t seen much of anything yet at the Temple, but Murphy just knows that when he finally gets around to going, he will find “something there that everyone is missing.” Because Murphy is special like that.

Perhaps realizing how slowly things are moving along, the conversation turns to both Methuselah and The Seven (TSAN!), and I gotta say, both men seem considerably less than interested in this cabal that is out to destroy the world, and the multimillionaire who has their number. Levi says he’ll let the Mossad “hear about” The Seven, and of course advises Murphy to “be careful.” Hey, if after multiple attacks on Isis, Shari, and Paul, Murphy still doesn’t take even the simplest of precautions for his own safety, I doubt he’ll start now, Levi.

But enough about the plot! Back to the buffet line, where the real action is going on—Murphy continuing to make generic observations about Summer’s generic charms: the “warmth [in her] deep blue eyes” and “her gentle smile.”

Yanno, I like a good romance as much as the next person (not that this is a good romance, mind you), but I could’ve sworn this was supposed to be about an adventuring archaeologist. 385 pages into a 481-page book, and Our Hero hasn’t even left the States.

Following right upon Paul’s untimely trip to Hell (not that Murphy cares), we meet up with the only even slightly interesting character left, now that Isis has been Stepfordized: Talon.

Talon is in Rome, and it is worth noting at this point that Talon has done way more globe-trotting than our adventurous Indiana Jones stand-in, Michael Murphy, who, fifty-two chapters into this book, has not yet left the Eastern Time Zone of the United States.

Phillips demonstrates that he has read a travel website on Rome, as he has Talon gaze at the Trevi Fountain while his taxi is stuck in traffic:

Long ago [Talon] had learned that patience was a virtue…especially in pursuing people. Earning top wages as an assassin made it a little easier, too.

Okay, I am far from the world’s most patient person, but perhaps Talon should consider being a bit more impatient, given that his patience seems to so rarely result in an actual kill.

As well, I question how much “wages” he is actually earning given, again, his rather abysmal success rate.

Then again, Talon, unlike Murphy, actually is getting something done, though it’s not his usual…heh…top notch assassin work. He’s in Rome to deliver the Golden Serpent (now all pieced back together into one snake) to our new Nicolae Carpathia, Dr. Constantine De La Rosa.

Phillips spends half a page extolling De La Rosa’s physical virtues: tan but not freckle, “Roman-shaped nose” (not a “Roman nose”— the way Phillips says it, makes it sounds like De La Rosa’s nose is shaped like the city of Rome), “stunningly white and well-formed” teeth. And since this section is from Talon’s POV, makes it seem like Talon is hot for him. (Then again, given that Talon is the villain, it would make sense for LaPhillips to make him gay.)

And he’s “maybe six foot six and muscular,” which actually makes him the tallest person in the LaHaye/Jenkins oeuvre to date.

Talon meets De La Rosa in his snazzy office, and De La Rosa is kind enough to say that Talon is “an important player” in the whole End Times…thing, which is a pretty strong thing to say to such a crappy assassin.

Then again…again…Talon has managed to get the whole Serpent together and get it to the future Antichrist, while Michael Murphy has been busy reading novels on the beach and stomping on a woman’s heart.

De La Rosa, appropriate at all times, makes sure that Talon has been compensated for actually doing something right for once:

“Yes, the money has already been wired to my Swiss bank account.”

Yeah, Talon, there might be even more money in there if you managed to assassinate your assigned target every once in awhile.

De La Rosa says that he might engage Talon’s services again soon…

“I’m always happy to receive money, Dr. De La Rosa.”

“Yes, because I’m an assassin who is only interested in money. Except that it’s been stated many times that I’m in this for the sadism and thrill of the kill and have always been wealthy and don’t need money. Except I’m also sometimes an unrefined thug who fights like a street brawler. Except for those times when I act like a movie serial killer and send taunting get-well cards to my victims. Ah, hell, am I in this for the money or not? I just don’t have a consistent character anymore.”

(I’m just putting this here because we’re deep into Westworld at our house right now—yanno, a show with interesting characters and narratives.)

And, of course, every person who works in that hospital knows Murphy by name:

“Good evening, Gabriel. Long day?”

“Feels that way, Dr. Murphy. …”

Notice that, once again, the lesser peon is known by his first name, but it’s Dr. Murphy back…

“I don’t mind the responsibility of guarding people…”

Well, I should hope not, since it’s your JOB.

“…but just sitting around can get pretty dull. My body wants to go for a run.”

“Well, thanks for what you’re doing, even though it’s not easy for you.”

The kid you’re guarding is dying because he got the shit kicked out of him by a psycho. I don’t think the cop sitting around all day is the one who has it “not easy.”

Also, this is not the first time Murphy has condescended to thank a lesser first-named peon for doing his job.

Shari is sitting at Paul’s side, and is worried because “doctors and nurses are coming in and out more frequently.” She is not, however, worried enough to actually ask for a status update on Paul.

Being a manly man, Murphy does the asking. Being a male doctor, the two men are on an equal status plane, apparently, since they both use first names.

The doctor gives the rather startling update that Paul “could go at any time” (sensitive!) because his organs are shutting down (from a beating?). Murphy goes back to break the news to Shari, and immediately jumps into the most important issue now:

“Do you think he made any type of decision regarding faith, Shari?”

Shari says she’s “not sure,” which seems rather optimistic on her part, since if Paul had made the transaction and RTC-ed himself, you’d think Shari would be the first person he told. Indeed, in their very last conversation, Paul only said that he was “keeping an open mind,” after which Shari lectured him as usual, and he didn’t reveal that he was secretly converted all along like Isis. So, yeah, methinks Shari is fooling herself a wee bit.

Anyway, as they sit around, Murphy starts going through some of Paul’s unopened get-well-soon cards, and there’s one from Talon!

Roses are red
And violets are blue
Because of the baseball bat
Paul Wallach got the shoe,
…and I kicked him with much pleasure.

That…doesn’t even scan. It also doesn’t make sense, and is dumb. Also, since when does erudite serial assassin Talon send taunting cards to the acquaintances of his victims. What kind of fifth-rate thug has he turned into?

Murphy is now EXTRA pissed, but there’s no time for that, as the doctor’s prediction came true…not 15 minutes after he made it! Paul flat lines and the nurses try to resuscitate but are unsuccessful.

Poor Paul. At least he left this book series as he entered it: as an atheist.

Paul has a bizarre funeral, though, especially for an atheist. Mostly it’s people from Murphy and Shari’s church, and Pastor wagoner presides, and there three local TV stations are filming and there are SIX policemen “watching over the crowd,” because “it had been considered a murder.”

Huh? “Been considered“? It WAS a murder, doofuses. There was a witness and a taunting confession and everything!

Maybe only RTCs can be really murdered or something.

Murphy is mostly in the anger stage (if he can even be considered to be grieving) as he decides to “end Talon’s reign of terror.” Yeah, good luck with that, Murph. You can’t end the reign of humor of your class clown student who trolls your every class, and you think you can take down an assassin? I mean, granted, Talon is a pretty sucky assassin, but still.

Shari is in the depression stage:

Their relationship would never have a chance to develop.

You’ve known this guy for three years or so, Shari. Lectured him, berated him, mocked everything he stood for. Punched him in his wounds (literally). If this relationship hasn’t developed by now, it really never would. Paul deserved better.

But, most of all, she ached inside because she knew Paul’s eternity was settled.

Yep, while Shari is sniffling in Michael Murphy’s arms, Paul is screaming in everlasting torment, because your loving God says that’s how it goes. From now on, Shari, whenever you’re having a pizza dinner or sleeping or messing about with Murphy’s artifacts, just remember that every second you’re doing that, and every second for forever, Paul is being tortured, nonstop. Because that’s the fair and loving thing to happen.

Eh, the authors have had it out for Paul since the moment he appeared in the first book. It’s entirely unsurprising that they sent him to hell.

Well, I know we all know and love Meta-Isis, the woman with a brain and a big heart and no patience whatsoever for one arrogant douchebag named Michael Murphy.

Well, sorry, guys. We all suspected this day would come…

Isis calls Murphy’s office. Well, actually, and rather bizarrely, even though she has called his office multiple times in the past, this time, she ends up on the switchboard, then is connected to Murphy’s office…and Shari answers.

And because Isis is a lovely person, she commiserates with Shari about the attack by Talon, and asks about Paul’s condition and welfare. And because Paul has been put on pause since the attack, he is exactly the same as he has been since the night of the attack, even though so many days have passed. Isis listens with sympathy and understanding, not even laughing when Shari, clearly delusional, says that Murphy has “been very supportive through this tough time.” Really, Shari, while he was jetting off to D.C. to break up with Isis and never spared a thought for you and Paul, or when he was abusing gypsies and never spared a thought for you and Paul.

At least Isis wasn’t calling to beg Murphy to come back to her. She was calling to talk about the actual archaeological dig that Murphy should have gone on 200 pages ago: she did some more research and found out some random facts about the Temple of Dagon. So, speaking of delusional, seems Isis still believes Murphy will get off the couch and on a plane at some point. She ends the call with one more kind wish to Shari that Paul’s condition improves.

Turns out that in the great tradition of Christian fiction, Isis was converted by a woman. Some chick named Lisa, a coworker at the Parchments of Freedom Foundation, did the standard-issue conversion trick: find someone at an emotional low point, act like you actually care about her as a person, then give credit to Jesus when the person’s life improves, as most people’s lives do after an emotional low point.

Hilariously, Phillips kinda accidentally insults Murphy, stating that it wasn’t until Isis started going to Lisa’s Bible study that she “began to understand what it was to be a Christian.”

Heh, really, Phillips? Knowing Murphy for years, pseudo-dating him for two, and she only now gets what it is to be a Christian? Wow, nice job living your faith and being an example, Murph!

Isis decides that she doesn’t want to beg Murphy to come back to her (smart choice!), but also decides she doesn’t want to date anyone else, even though multiple men have asked her out (you go, girl!). Isis, my friend, let me tell you something as one who has been there: when you’ve been heartlessly dumped by an asshole, nothing feels better than getting right back out there and meeting new guys.

And before long, hopefully you’ll meet the perfect man for you, who loves you for you and who isn’t a self-absorbed ass.

Fuck Murphy, babe. You are soooooo much better off without his lazy ass.

But no, Isis just prays that God “help me be honest with my feelings and not be overrun with them.”

Yeah, you know those wimmins, right, with overrunning feelings and all.

Well, bet you didn’t expect this in a Michael Murphy book, but Tim Lahaye is about to go full-on Exorcist here.

Yeah, like that.

It’s time for Our Heroes to visit the next fake healer, tagging along with the hapless Clyde. They all show up at a turn-of-the-last-century farmhouse on the outskirts of town, and they all feel “a little apprehension,” mostly because the house is, yanno, old and stuff, and looks like it needs a fresh coat of paint and there are curtains in the windows and it’s dusk (no, seriously, these are the reasons).

Carlotta, Madame Estelle’s assistant, lets them in, and we know she’s evil because “her face seemed more wrinkled than normal for someone her age” and she’s dressed like a movie gypsy.

No, not THAT gypsy.

THAT kind of gypsy.

They join some other people who are apparently there to be healed and nobody introduces themselves and “Murphy couldn’t tell if they were being rude or if they were embarrassed to be seen there.”

Dude, you’re not introducing yourself, either! Rude much?

Murphy’s rudeness and utter lack of basic consideration for others becomes a theme for this chapter, if not the entire series: Madame Estelle comes in, and she’s also dressed like a gypsy and wears heavy makeup.

For a moment Murphy almost laughed, she looked so ridiculous, but he restrained himself.

Wow. What a gentleman, eh? What a loving Christian.

Immediately, and I mean frakking immediately, Estelle…

…sorry, Estelle calls out Murphy and Wagoner as unbelievers. Tellingly, she looks at Murphy with “fear” and at Wagoner with “anger.” Because Murphy has to be the most powerful manly man in the room at any given moment, you see, so Michael Murphy is someone to be feared by this false healer, but she’s just kinda annoyed that the MINISTER OF GOD HIMSELF is there.

Estelle demands that Murphy and Wagoner leave.

Murphy did not budge. He did not like being challenged in public…

Um. You are not in public, Murph. You are in Estelle’s own home, so she has every right to ask you to leave, for any reason or for no reason at all.

By the way, this whole doesn’t-like-being-challenged thing is not an attractive trait. Not for any hero, in general, let alone one who is a professor. Murphy teaches college students, and it seems natural that he would be challenged and questioned by snot-nosed kids from time to time. One sign of a good professor is one who can roll with such a punch and still maintain control of the classroom.

So Murphy (and Wagoner and Clyde, not that they matter), stick around and Murphy questions Estelle about whether her healing powers are “by the name of Jesus.” This causes Estelle to pull some possessed-Regan shit, screeching and slapping her own head on the table and looking like “a wild animal that was in some kind of trance.”

See lots of animals in trances, do you, Bob Phillips?

Then Estelle starts to yell in a man’s voice, and then she flips the table.

No, seriously, she does an actual Real Housewives table flip. From this, and from speaking in a deeper voice, Wagoner cleverly deduces that “This is for real!”

Because speaking in a deep voice and flipping a table can only mean one thing: this poor woman is actually possessed by a real, actual demon.

And then she demonstrates her demonic powers even further by throwing a chair at the guys (the other guests have fled, unnamed and unmissed).

Wagoner pulls out his little pocket Bible and together with Murphy, they proceed to rip off The Exorcist in earnest, with a lot of “in the name of Jesus” and just being kinda rude and pushy.

I’ll digress here, because this whole scene is so beat for beat The Exorcist that it can’t not be intentional. One thing I’ve always said about Tim LaHaye is that it always felt like he had way more animosity towards Catholics than towards atheists. The Exorcist was written by a Catholic, made with input from the Catholic Church, and portrays said Church as a helpful organization, necessary in the universal struggle of good vs. evil. So this bit with Murphy feels like a repudiation of the great struggle of The Exorcist.

Because Murphy’s exorcism works immediately, which I guess shows us that is Michael Murphy a much bigger bad-ass than those pansy-ass priests, Karras and Merrin, because it took them multiple tries to save Regan McNeil, and the ordeal ultimately cost both men their lives. Also, Murphy is a layman with no formal affiliation with his church other than being the minister’s buddy. The Exorcist needed actual trained men of the cloth to do a proper exorcism. Hilariously, here, Wagoner, the actual trained minister, only “join[s] in,” providing the assist to Murphy. And we are told explicitly that this is the first try at an exorcism for both Murphy and Wagoner, and of course they succeed instantly, whereas in The Exorcist, Father Merrin was a very experienced exorcist with a lifetime of experience and it still ended up killing him.

There is also a fair amount of hypocrisy here, because I absolutely believe that the success of the cultural icon that is The Exorcist created an environment where other religious horror stories like the Left Behind series could flourish.

So, yeah, RTCs can perform exorcisms at the drop of a hat, with no training whatsoever, and it’s all over in a matter of seconds. Murphy, a much more awesome Christian than those silly ole priests, is just fine and dandy, and minister Wagoner is merely a bit shaken:

“I don’t think I’d ever like to do that again. It was like coming up to the edge of darkness and facing the devil.”

WE HAVE A TITLE

Estelle, demon gone, comes to, as it were, and it turns out that, unlike Regan McNeil, she has pretty good memory of her possession, and how, like Regan, she was open to it because of minor dealings with the occult, like tarot cards and books. Hilariously, it seems that she did do some healing of people, so if I was Carl right now, I’d feel a little bitter. But she wants to know “what just happened to me,” and then we cut and the chapter ends, because for once, we’re not going to have Michael Murphy pontificate on someone else’s experiences.

Back in the Biblical flashback again, and moving right along (faster than the main plot of this book, by quite a bit), this time we do I Samuel 6, 1-12.

It begins thusly:

Painful only slightly describes the ten-mile journey from Ashdod near the great sea called the Mediterranean. The inland march to Gath and the great village of giants was torture, to say the least.

EDITING

GET YOU SOME

That is just one of the most awkward, redundant passages I have read in these books, and this particular book just spent two chapters killing a barely-named character.

Now, I’ve skimmed over this so far, because it’s mostly just boring, but this is where things get weird.

Now, if you read the Bible section I linked, or this silly chapter that just recaps it and adds a few random names to random characters, you’ll see the cray on full display:

“If you send away the Ark of the God of Israel, do not send it empty. We need to return it with a trespass offering. … I suggest five golden tumors and five golden rats…”

Yeah, they’re going to make golden RATS and golden TUMORS.

TUMORS

Yanno, if Michael Murphy really wants to find some extraordinary biblical artifacts, I think he should concentrate on the golden TUMOR angle. Because holy crap, why wouldn’t you, right?

Just today, I was listening to Christian radio, and Rick Warren was telling me how without the Bible, there would be no rules, no standards, we could do whatever we wanted with no consequences. Which, no, because …

But also because, seriously? You’re taking up space in the Inspired Law Book of God’s Infallible Lawful Word…talking about making TUMORS out of GOLD.

I think for next time I’m going to time how long it’s taking Murphy to actually GET ON THE ROAD, and stop fussing around, going to the gym, pretending he has a love life, etc.

(It’s almost a meta-commentary on the book that I’m taking so much time to review it. I go slowly because the book goes so gorram slowly…or something.)

Anyway, these two chapters take their sweet-ass time dispensing a scene we’ve all seen many times: the They Killed The Wrong Guy bit from countless action movies. The Real Target escapes (or the killers miss him), while a very minor character dies in the trap.

In this case, it’s Eugene Simpson, Shane Barrington’s driver, who has been name checked all of twicebefore. Eugene’s characterization is so deep that all we know about him is that he thinks it’s “pretty cool” to drive Shane’s newly “exotic” (his word for “highly armored”) car.

Bet Eugene doesn’t think it’s so cool when he gets a package sent to him, ostensibly from his parents, but it’s actually a bomb, and he gets stuck in traffic and can’t pick up Shane on time, and the bomb explodes, but the only person it actually kills is Eugene. Shane barricades himself in his penthouse and works from there, since he knows The Seven (TSAN!) were behind it.

Really, he should know The Seven were behind it because the plan completely FAILED, and The Seven kinda specialize in failed plans.

Seriously, can these people do nothing right? They’ve repeatedly failed to assassinate a college professor and a linguist, neither of whom arm themselves or take any precautions for their own safety, so what made them think they could off someone who did arm himself and did invest in numerous safety measures?

One evening when he’s barricaded inside his very secure home (again, a precaution Michael Murphy has never taken), Talon calls him. He fesses up to the bombing (which seems kinda silly of him, seeing as how he failed and all), except, in a twist that will revolutionize this series of books as we know it…

TALON ACTUALLY SUCCEEDS IN KILLING THE PERSON HE IS TRYING TO KILL!!!

I know, right?

Yeah, he’s at a building across the street, and launches a FRICKIN ROCKET LAUNCHER into Shane Barrington’s frickin’ living room!

…which makes you really wonder why he couldn’t dispense a dumbass professor and a clueless college girl.

Hey, remember two chapters ago when I observed that Murphy would not likely have dumped Isis had he not had Summer waiting in the wings? Well, hey, there’s Summer! At the gym in the early morning, at the same time as Michael Murphy.

Despite the perspiration, she looked quite attractive. He noticed that the other guys lifting weights around him had slowed down a little and he could see them trying to get a better glimpse of her. He thought they might want to change places with him.

Oh, and how much more virile better he is than other guys because this hot woman is interested in him.

It sure is disrespectful of Summer, who is trying to have a conversation with him, when Murphy is looking at other guys, cataloguing their envy. Summer may be the Dark Mistress of Pastor Bob, sent to distract and beguile Murphy, but I still kinda feel for her—she’s not a person to Murphy, just something to make him look better.

Did she ever look bad? [Murphy thinks]

Um, yes, Murph, I’m sure sometimes Summer looks bad. I’m sure sometimes she ugly cries, or gets sick, or just has a bad hair day, has bad days like all of us. Murphy was married for years and is pushing forty, and he still has a thirteen-year-old boy’s view of women—they are just there to look sexy for me.

Summer explains that she’s been coming to this gym for awhile, but this is her first time working out in the early morning.

Oh yeah, she is for sure stalking him. Pastor Bob is behind this all, I tells ya!

She then mentions that she likes to jog, but doesn’t do it at night because she doesn’t like to be alone outside at night. This opens Murphy up for his usual condescending platitudes:

“Our world is not always safe. There are some real weirdos out there. You made the right decision.”

Yeah, Murph, and aren’t you lucky that you have never had to make a decision like that…cause women have to make about seventeen decisions like that every day.

So they jog together, and Murphy is “impressed how effortlessly Summer kept up with him,” even though it’s only a twenty-minute light jog, and I know lots of people who work out way harder than that.

When they slow to a walk, Summer, like Isis, proves herself far more empathetic than Murphy, and herself asks after Paul and Shari. Murphy understates that Paul is “not real well,” and that although the police aren’t sure who did it, he has a pretty good idea.

Yeah, it always works out well when you keep to yourself information about an attempted murderer…

And then he proceeds to tell Summer, a woman he has been acquainted with for all of three weeks, all about Talon, thus revealing far more information to her, a volleyball coach, than he did to his old friend and helicopter pilot, Vern, before Vern took on a job for Murphy which ended with his (Vern’s) hospitalization in Turkey.

Hmmm…I wonder why Vern hasn’t been talking with Murphy lately…

Anyway, Summer, like the good little Christian wife-to-be that she probably is, is suitably impressed:

She sat there dumbfounded at the tales of danger and adventure coming from Murphy’s lips. She had no idea how perilous a life the Preston University archaeologist led.

Yeah, remember that time in this book when Murphy…

Well, then there was that exciting scene where…

Oh.

Man, it is seriously CHAPTER 44, and Murphy has done NOTHING.

And Murphy is so self-important about all this shit he hasn’t done, that he has the gall to tell Summer that he is on a mission from God, who has “allowed me to become involved in all this for some purpose.”

Yeah, that’s a pretty ballsy statement, considering how many other people (LAURA, Chuck, Señor SEAL, Token Turk, The Nerd, The Dick, Agent Hank Baines, Dr. Anderson, Stephanie Kovacs, at least one cop, and countless security guards at the Parchments of Freedom Foundation) got involved and ended up dead. But Murphy keeps going:

“The Bible suggests that in the last days, moral and spiritual darkness will increase.”

Yeah, like people not giving a damn if college students are in critical condition in the hospital for days on end after defending their abusive pseudo-girlfriend.

“We are only beginning to see the edge of this darkness.”

We have a title!

“Somehow I think He wants to use me in battling these evil forces.”

There’s that good ole Christian humility again!

For this, Summer immediately brings up Pastor Bob’s sermons…

Hmm…the same Pastor Bob who just convinced Murphy to break up with Isis and go out with her…

“When he talks about the danger of the occult, it disturbs me. I have to admit I’m really fearful of the occult.”

I shudder to think what would happen if I snuck up behind her and went BOOGABOOGABOOGA.

So Murphy tells her all about J.B. Sonstad.

She sat there on the bench with her mouth slightly open and never took her eyes off of him.

Oh yeah, Murphy totally traded up. Real brain trust, this one.

Murphy then mentions that he and Livie might possibly be heading to Israel to look for stuff sometime in the future, maybe, if they can drag themselves off their couches, and we get our first peek into the complicated inner workings of Summer’s mind:

For some reason, Summer felt just a little sad that he wouldn’t be around.

She’s such a deep and nuanced character, I feel like I know her already!

After this conversation, Murphy once again runs down his list of pros of Summer: “athletic and very attractive…and she was easy to talk to.”

“Hmm…size 2, blonde, and lets me lecture endlessly without bothering me with what she’s thinking or feeling. Sounds like a winner to me!”