The world as seen by a TV comedy writer

March 2006

March 21, 2006

Okay, I’m in a CHEERS mood. So for the next three days my posts will be CHEERS related. Today I’ll answer a reader’s question on how we broke stories for CHEERS. Tomorrow I’ll discuss how much and what we included in our outlines, and Friday I’ll answer another reader’s question about where the various CHEERS writers are today.

Breaking stories was easily the hardest thing we had to do. Believe it or not, writing the jokes was comparatively easy.

Breaking the stories was always a group effort. The entire writing staff would gather to pitch ideas. A good many of them would stem from personal anecdotes that happened to one of us. Something about a writers room, in two days you find yourself revealing the most embarrassing incidents and traumatic events that ever happened to you to a group of still virtual strangers. But anything for a story idea. And the personal ones tended to be more real and certainly more bizarre.

I always loved when an actor would say “no one would be that stupid to do this” and it was something I had actually done.

For every story we used there were always twenty or thirty we threw out. The core of every story had to present a substantial problem for one or more of the characters. And it had to have some comic spin. When an idea is on the table and the writers are able to come up with possible scenes and twists and jokes that’s a pretty good indication that we may have hit gold. And very often a story will evolve into something completely different from what you started with. You begin with Sam has to hire a new bartender and an hour later it somehow becomes Lilith’s pet rat dies and she keeps it in her purse.

A point of pride on CHEERS and FRASIER was that they wouldn’t do any story that another show had done. If you pitched something and someone said, “Oh, I saw something like that on TAXI we’d junk it.” Same with the actual story telling. We were always looking to tell stories in a fresh way.

Once we had an area we liked this is how we generally broke the stories: Our first question was always “what’s the act break?” Then “what’s the ending?”. Then "when's lunch?" Once we had the big midpoint turn and the ultimate conclusion we’d go back and fill in the acts. Sometimes we would lay out a story and see that two or three characters would be excluded. So in order to service them we would do a B story that usually could be told in two or three scenes.

We also tried to make sure each character got a few central stories each season – even Norm and Cliff. We tried to mix up the stories – not all romance related, not all work related. But early on, especially in the first year, we always tried to have at least one Sam-Diane run to keep their relationship alive. It might only be a few lines but we knew that their dynamic was at the heart of the series.

Stories took anywhere from a couple of hours to several days to we still haven't solved it.

Which brings me to my final point -- storytelling is a very inexact science. Some weeks the stories played great and other weeks we wrestled the damn thing to the ground every night. The learning curve only takes you so far.

But somehow the series managed to tell over 200 of them (many I'm quite proud of), which to me is a testament to how good the premise was, the actors were, and the vision set forth by creators Glen & Les Charles and James Burrows.

March 20, 2006

And so ends the first World Baseball Classic – which is really no more than “Bud Selig’s X-games”. MLB and the commissioner would tell you it was a huge success. Of course he’ll also tell you steroids are not a big problem and he doesn’t sleep in his suits. So did you care? Or did it just seem like an ESPN event? Excuse me -- ESPN-2 event. In the LA TIMES Sports section on Monday even the Lakers came before this story.

Here are some thoughts:

There are a lot of Yankee haters like me who found it hard to even root for the US team. The biggest fans of the WBC have to be the Red Sox Nation because Johnny Damon hurt his shoulder.

Bragging rights are nice but for real incentive, the winning team should replace the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in the American League.

Great that the championship game was held at Petco Park because there’s a huge Cuban and Japanese population in San Diego, California.

Maybe I’m a little bitter because I couldn’t get a job announcing for Finland.

If a Cuban player is missing I would check George Steinbrenner’s house first.

Most of the big All-Stars passed on the event. It’s like putting on Woodstock with Herman’s Hermits as one of the headlining acts.

March 19, 2006

The Sunshine Boys hit the road. My writing partner, David and I (only hours away from actually BECOMING the Sunshine Boys) headed for Naples in the sunshine state to do research for our latest ersatz pilot. I then moved on to New York.

We arrived in Ft. Lauderdale then headed across Alligators Alley. Didn’t see any gators but apparently at the first light of day they do come out to the highway. The dumb ones try to cross. The smart ones stand along the side selling tickets to the world famous Sarasota Clown museum.

South Florida has two of my favorite things – great weather and GOOFINESS. If you love Americana, Jimmy Buffet, stone crabs, early bird specials, and spectacular beaches this is the place for you.

Were a studio paying for this trip we would have stayed in Naples. But since it was our own dime, Bonita Beach was our Gateway to the Gulf home. In the 20’s there was this cult, the Koreshans, who believed that Bonita Beach was the center of the world. They were a celibate tribe so unfortunately no longer exist. (Darwin works) Just a state park in their honor. And if I’m not mistaken, the Hampton Inn we were staying at is at the center of Bonita Beach, and room 229 just to our left is the absolute DEAD center of the world.”

No wonder the Holiday Inn across the street is proud. Their marquee proclaims “Number one guest rated shower heads.”

You drive down Whippoorwill Lane and come to an intersection. On the left is a hospice, on the right is a nudist colony.

Everyone here is from somewhere else. A native is someone whose had to renew their Florida driver’s license.

Florida is the home of many fun attractions. Disney World is okay but even better, in Naples, is “Jungle Larry’s Safari”. It’s a seedy zoo with drugged animals. During Hurricane Wilma last year some of the animals escaped. The spider monkeys got into the nearby Athletic club. The club wanted to get rid of them (their membership charter is very specific on qualifications) but you can’t kill monkeys in the city limits. I can almost imagine a rep from the club addressing a city council meeting. “In order to offset the damage of Hurricane Wilma and help our high school majorettes get to this year’s Rose Parade, as a fund raiser we’d like to propose a cookout/monkey shoot.”

Not to be outdone, there is also “Jungle Erv’s Airboat World” – see the everglades mangrove jungle. With gift shop. I’m surprised funeral homes in South Florida don’t have gift shops.

Other local attractions I missed: “Weeki Wachee”, a live mermaid show and the “Dinner Train Theatre” where shows open out of many towns.

Never got to a spring training game. The traffic on US. 41 and I-75 was so bad it would have been faster to drive to Scottsdale, Arizona than Ft. Myers.

In the aftermath of Hurricane Wilma, all the palm trees in the area tilt south. As do some of the people.

A consultant to the local tourism board suggested they never mention the “H” word (hurricane). Instead, just say it’s their “windy” season. Cows blowing across the highway kind of wind.

Forget the cost of homes. Dockmaniums, to store your boat cost $200,000. Used to be free.

South of Naples you get into DELIVERANCE country. Everglade City. In the 80’s it was the hub of a huge marijuana smuggling business. Eventually they were busted and 80% of the men in the town were indicted and sent off to prison. Well, now they’re back and very bitter. It’s a rough town. DEADWOOD with shrimp boats. It’s the only town with a mayor with a mullet. Not the place for David and I to go to for lunch and ask which theatre is showing BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

Big Collier County museum attraction: an old tank just sitting on the lawn. What makes it such a unique attraction is that it has a parking space.

There’s a guy in Naples who looks like he’s right out of the SOPRANOS named Johnny. Since he has an auto repair shop on the same street as a hospital he calls himself “Doctor Johnny”. His local commercials feature him in scrubs standing over a sick engine barking out orders to a buxom nurse. “Nusre, wrench! Stat!” Johnny’s other job is city councilman.

Naples has a bandshell but no concerts because of noise restrictions.

This is a big Republican area. Billboard spotted: a cute baby with the words “Please don’t abort me.” Excuse me, but HOLY SHIT!!!

And under construction nearby is a whole new town funded by pizza czar Tom Monaghan, to be named Ava Maria. Center of the town will be a Catholic University (are you picking up the theme here?) that will proudly feature the largest crucifix in America. Jungle Jesus’ Church Tour.

I spotted a Confederate flag bumper sticker that read: “Heritage not Hate”. Why not just “Oktoberfest not Holocaust”?

They love their festivals in S/W Florida. Among them is the wine festival, the harvest festival (who will be this year’s Miss Vegetable?), and my favorite -- the Swamp Buggy Festival featuring the “Mile ‘o Mud” race, and the Swamp Buggy Queen. One lovely tradition is that once she’s crowned she’s then thrown in the mud.

Best restaurant in Ft. Myers – Cru.

Did not personally see the dreaded Skunk Ape, but a local resident claims this creature does exist and coincidentally resides on his property. He even has a blurred video. He’s hoping to attract tourism. Jungle Larry in incensed.

There are 103 golf courses in the Naples area. Only 8 are public courses. If your ball goes into the rough just leave it. The Skunk-ape might get ya.

Visited a good friend who lives in Gulf Harbour, near Ft. Myers. Gorgeous gated community. There’s one house that has its own casino. Amazingly it’s not owned by an Indian.

Drove back over Alligator Alley. I knew I was in Miami when I saw my first driverless Cadillac.

Stayed in Ft. Lauderdale next to the “Fishing Hall of Fame”. This actually exists. Who are the inductees? The Old Man from OLD MAN IN THE SEA? Ted Williams? Captain Ahab? The crew from PERFECT STORM?

Thanks to Jungle Maggie, Jungle Randy, Jungle Arnie, Jungle John, and Mayor Bill for making our stay at the center of the earth so enjoyable.

On Thursday David returned home and I flew to New York to continue work on the musical I’m co-writing. The flight was like being trapped in a Haddassah meeting. “Morty, here, I brought some Craisins for the trip.” “I’m not hungry.” “Eat something or you’re gonna have gas!!”

It was 85 degrees in Florida, 40 in New York.

Stayed at the Hotel Wales on the Upper East Side. It was the smallest room I’ve ever had. Too bad I was alone. I could have easily qualified for membership in the Mile High Club.

Around the corner was Woody Allen’s place. I left a note saying the next time he goes to London to film a movie I’d be happy to house sit and baby sit Soon-Yi.

I was the only person in Manhattan with a non-spray tan.

Saw RING OF FIRE, the music of Johnny Cash. It was a hoot (and a nanny). My only criticism: they didn’t include his jingle for the Victoria Station restaurant chain. No study of the Man in Black is complete without it.

Also saw JERSEY BOYS, the story of the Four Seasons. Not your typical Broadway crowd. Every goomba of New Jersey was in the audience. There must’ve been 100 women named Carmella. I thought I saw Dr. Johnny from Naples. The show was SPECTACULAR. It was so good that after twenty minutes I stopped fearing for my life. JERSEY BOYS will win every Tony Award there is…or next year there will be a lot of missing Tony voters.

Whether you prefer to “Walk Like a Man” or “Walk the Line” you can’t go wrong with either of these shows.

Friday was St. Patrick’s Day. 40 degrees is not ideal weather for wearing kilts. I do hope that guy was going to the parade. Because of all the celebrating rowdy drunks needing rides it was impossible to get a taxi…from 10 AM on.

I met Phoebe Cates and she was gorgeous. How nice to see someone I’ve had a crush on for twenty years and not go “GAAAAA!”

All in all, a great trip. I got a lot of work done, saw some terrific shows. My only regret is seeing JERSEY BOYS the night before I met Phoebe Cates. I so wish I didn’t sing “Can’t Make My Eyes Off of You” to her in the middle of Madison Avenue.

March 18, 2006

Now that we’re in March, networks start carting out their reality shows. People locked in a room, AMERICAN IDOL with inventions, etc. So as a public service, here are a few of my suggestions for reality shows:

DONNER PARTY SURVIVOR: every week the losing tribe votes someone off the island then eats them.

THE BOSS – interning for George Steinbrenner thus combining the Apprentice with Fear Factor.

March 17, 2006

If you’ve been following the comments section on this blog lately you’ll notice I have a disgruntled crank who seems to take issue with everything I post. Fortunately, the criticism is much less harsh than the hate mail I used to get on MASH (conclusively proving that you can’t please everybody).

The obvious response is just stop visiting here. There must be crank-friendly content elsewhere. The content on this blog will not change. Expect more travelogues (past and present), anecdotes, advice, anything that gets in my crosshairs. I try to post everyday. It’s a self imposed policy. So there will also be oldies but goodies when I travel or on traffic light weekends to give myself a break. If you find all or any of this entertaining or informative, stay. If not, move on.

I’m an opinionated guy so I expect from time to time to ruffle some feathers. If you’d like to voice your displeasure that’s fine. But you must leave YOUR NAME. Otherwise, I’ll delete you.

March 16, 2006

Here’s part two of the article I wrote for ESPN.COM on the best sports related episodes of CHEERS.

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In season six David and I wrote “I on Sports” again going after one of our favorite targets. Sam is given the opportunity to become a local TV sportscaster. Feeling he needs a schtick, he resorts to hard hitting editorials on rooting for the home team, a commentary on groin injuries delivered in rap, and finally – a puppet.. My favorite line in the show was delivered by Cliff to Sam: “Why don’t you do something really different like just read the scores

Later that season my partner and I were huddled with the show’s producers mapping out an episode involving a practical joke war between Cheers and their dreaded rival, Gary’s Old Towne Tavern. One twist would be a famous sports personality coming into the bar, the gang thinking he’s a fake, and running him out. I suggested Wade Boggs, then at the height of his career. Great idea but it was March. He was in Spring Training in Winterhaven, Florida. We decided to inquire anyway and sure enough, a half hour later word came back that he was in, he’d gotten a few days off from the Grapefruit League. Boy, did I feel important! All I had to do was mention a name, snap my fingers and poof, in a few days he’s on a plane.

Later I learned the truth. He was really excited to get a free ride to LA to spend time with his mistress, Margo Adams. She writes about the incident in her Playboy Magazine expose. She also reports that Boggs asked her for a pair of her undies because he promised the guys on the team he could get a pair of Kirstie Alley’s panties. I HAD to be on the stage the day Kirstie read that. To her credit she just laughed. Kirstie is the ultimate good sport. A year later I approached her and said, “Kirstie, this Saturday night is my high school reunion and I’m sure my classmates won’t believe that I work on Cheers. So could I borrow a pair of your panites?”

It’s always risky to let sports stars guest star. Although supremely gifted they are traditionally enemies of comedy. (Luis Tiant notwithstanding). And generally they come off stiff. The wooden Indian at the door has more life. The trick is to give these jocks very little to do and never ever ever give them big jokes. One exception was Kevin McHale of the Celtics. We used him in an episode called “Cheers Fouls Out” by Larry Balmagia in which he’s recruited by the gang as a ringer in a basketball game against Gary’s Old Towne Tavern. Kevin was such a natural we actually kept giving him MORE lines and jokes over the course of the week of production. He did so well we brought him back for a second episode. Even in comedy Kevin McHale is the best sixth man in the game.

The following year David and I wrote “Where Have All the Floorboards Gone?” Kevin goes into a slump (that novel plot device) when he becomes obsessed with the number of bolts in the floor of Boston Gardens. (Don’t tell me you haven’t wondered yourself.) Cheers is filmed in Hollywood in front of a live audience but for this episode we actually went to Boston to shoot at the Garden. That’s the real reason we wrote it -- a free trip. (With no mistresses waiting for us of course. We’re writers) There was also a short scene in the show where Kevin is in bed with his wife and calls the bar. We used his real wife, Lynn and, like Kevin, she was great. If this VP of Basketball Operations for the Timberwolves thing doesn’t work out for him I’m sure he and his wife have a career as the next Osbournes.

We once tried to a write a show for Larry Bird to guest. The premise of “Hot Rocks” was that Sam and his good pal, Larry show up at Cheers after a big charity benefit. Larry goes into Rebecca’s office to use the phone. After he leaves the bar Rebecca discovers that her expensive diamond earrings, which she had left in the office, are gone. Larry Bird is accused of stealing her earrings. For “whatever reason” Larry decided not to do the show so instead we got Admiral William J. Crowe, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. (When you think of one you just automatically think of the other.) Amazingly, we altered very little of the script. Changed some Celtic jokes to nuclear destruction gags but otherwise the drafts were almost identical.

Bar bets and football pools were a staple on Cheers. In “Fools and Their Money” by Heide Perlman Woody bets his entire life savings on a ridiculous long shot. It was based on the real life experience of every writer on the staff.

The inevitable Sam comeback episode arrived in season nine. “Pitch It Again, Sam” by Dan Staley & Rob Long contained one of my favorite moments of the series. Sam and Carla are alone in the dugout. Sam is thrilled to be back but says there’s one thing missing -- the Coach.

Cheers was never really the same without him.

The inevitable second Sam comeback episode was hatched a year later. This time, in “Take Me Out of the Ball Game” by Kathy Ann Stumpe Sam gives the minors a shot. I had spent three years broadcasting in the bushes and was able to provide some key inside information that I think helped the show immensely. It was my idea that when Sam’s team was on the road they should stay in a “motel.” I earned my keep that week.

All in all there were 270 episodes of Cheers produced. Sports was pretty much mentioned or interwoven into every one of them. And yet, there was one sports-related moment that we never could get into the show despite our trying for eleven full years. Before the series aired, co-creator and director Jim Burrows went to Boston with a camera crew to film establishing shots. Those are the exterior shots of the bar and various locales that tell you where the next scene will take place. One of these shots was taken at Fenway Park. With the camera in the centerfield bleachers what you see is sprinklers watering the outfield in an empty stadium. When we all looked at the footage we said “When the hell would we ever use THIS?” So it became a running joke throughout the course of the series. Sam & Diane have just made love.. Quick! Let’s cut to the sprinklers at Fenway. Carla just learned her husband has been killed by a Zamboni machine. Go to the sprinklers. Frasier discovers a rat in Lilith’s purse. Fenway time. Somehow we could never make it work.

Eleven years. That’s quite a run. A day doesn’t go by when I don’t miss Cheers. It was like being part of a storied dynasty. And just as players long for one more year, just one, so do I. Because I know, deep down in my heart, there HAS to be a way of getting that damn sprinkler shot in the show.

March 15, 2006

A number of readers (viewers? blogniks? I dunno.) have asked me to talk more about CHEERS. Last year ESPN.COM asked me to write an article about the series. Since I’m traveling today from Florida to New York it seemed like the perfect time to share it.

****

Few comedy series incorporated sports more or better than Cheers. If it was devised today I’m sure Cheers would be set in an ESPNzone. I’m a comedy writer and sportscaster so working on Cheers was like dying and going to heaven. Page Three asked me to share some of my favorite sports related episodes and memories and I was happy to as long as I didn’t have to rate them in any order. I leave that up to you. (And I’m sure if you turn on TV Land one is airing right now.)

Everyone knows that Sam Malone was a former pitcher for the Boston Red Sox. But in the original draft of the pilot, written by Glen & Les Charles, Sam was a former New England Patriot. It was only when Ted Danson won the role that he was traded from the Pats to the Sox. Few linemen weigh 165 pounds.

And the switch to baseball also helped explain the Coach’s addled character. Too many fastballs to the head. Originally I think it was a Frank Gifford type accident. I don’t really recall.

Ted wasn’t much of a baseball fan. The first year of the show when the Red Sox came out to play the Angels we took Ted to Anaheim to get a picture with him and Yaz. Neither knew who the other was. I’m not sure if either does today. By the way, the framed picture hanging on the bar of Sam supposedly in action is really Jim Lonborg. Both wore #16. For Mayday Malone that’s his perpetual age.

Early on we knew we had to deal with the intense Boston-New York rivalry. In our third episode, “the Tortelli Torte” written by Tom Reeder, Carla encounters an obnoxious Yankee fan (you can imagine the nightmare of THAT casting session) and smashes his head into the bar. The audience went nuts. And that was before A-Rod. It got one of the biggest laughs in the show’s history. Screw sophisticated comedy! It was pretty funny. Trivia note: for the voice of the TV announcer we used ESPN’s Jon Miller, then a broadcaster for the Bosox. In later episodes I did the announcing. I’m sure it will be the last time anyone will be stupid enough to replace Jon Miller with me.

Later that season David Isaacs and I wrote “Now Pitching: Sam Malone” in which Sam gets hired to do beer commercials. We see one of the TV spots featuring Sam and Luis Tiant. El Tiante was a great pitcher but had a little trouble with English. And diction. And memorization. It must’ve taken fifty takes to complete the thirty second scene. Afterwards, David and I showed Luis around the set and he said (at least I think he said, it was hard to really decipher) “that was fun, I should give this acting thing a try”. Yeah, right. Maybe if they ever get around to “CSI: Cuba”.

Later that season we wrote an episode based on the Glen Burke situation. Glen was a former Dodger who became the first big leaguer to publicly announce he was gay. In “Boys in the Bar” Sam’s former roommate comes out of the closet and Sam’s standing by him causes the bar patrons to assume Cheers will go gay….complete with ferns even! We won a Gay Image Award for that show, thanks in large part I’m sure to removing the big “tug-of-war” scene we had originally written.

Former L.A. Ram, Fred Dryer, was used in several episodes as local sportscaster/buffoon, Dave Richards. (Patterned after practically every local sportscaster in every market). Fred was actually one of the three finalists for Sam Malone. William Devane was the other. Will anyone remember the runners up on “Dream Job”?

One of my favorite sports related episodes comes from the second season. “Manager Coach” written by Earl Pomerantz. The Coach manages a little league team and becomes a Nazi. Nick Colassanto, (Coach) was such a sweet guy he had a little trouble playing such a mean character. We said it’s just like the guy you played in Ragin’ Bull but only with little children.

Remember that old rummy that always used to sit at the bar? His name was Al Rosen and in the 50’s he was a TV wrestling champion. TV wrestling is still considered a sport, isn’t it?

David and I did a two-parter called “Never Love a Goalie” in which Carla hooks up with Boston Bruin goalie, Eddie LeBec. It was love at first save. What other couple would have “Oh Canada” as their “song”? Unfortunately, their romance was proving to be a huge jinx on his career. They resolved the issue by breaking up just before every game. Radio morning man Jay Thomas was cast as Eddie and was so popular we kept the relationship going, eventually even marrying them. I was thrilled. Having created an on-going character meant royalties every time he appeared. But then Jay took some unflattering shots at Rhea Perlman on his radio show. And she happened to be listening. In “Death Takes a Holdiay on Ice” David and I wrote the episode that killed him off.

In “Dark Imaginings” by David Angell, Sam winds up in the hospital after playing raquetball and realizes he’s not as young as he used to be. Watching that episode now he looks nine years old. Note: when you have a room full of Jewish comedy writers sooner or later you’re going to get around to the hernia episode.

March 14, 2006

It’s the first weekend of March Madness. Go UCLA!!! This year I’m on the east coast but usually I’m in Vegas for the first round of insanity. Here’s my account from a couple years ago:

******

March Madness has arrived again -- the NCAA basketball tournament. Thus the annual pilgrimage to Las Vegas for me and three of my middle aged sports nerd television executive buddies. Slater, the Banger, and Mr. Syracuse. Slater brought his girlfriend (who goes by either Karen or Valerie -- long story) thus increasing his chances of "getting lucky" by maybe 1%. Mr. Syracuse brought his wife thus decreasing his chances. My son, Matt flew in from Boston. He's now 21 so what better way to see Las Vegas for the first time than with his dad and three guys who look like the Pep Boys?

We stayed this year at the Paris Hotel. The theme is French hospitality (an oxymoron). I'm sure I would have been given a nicer room if I registered as Himmler. The casino features a low ceiling that is painted to look like the sky, a la the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. It's an odd shade of blue however, one that suggests nuclear winter. There are cobblestone streets and carpeting. A replica LePont Alendre III bridge overlooks the nickel slot machines, and there is an Eiffel Tower that is fifty stories high. Tours are offered. There is a sign at the entrance that reads "No food, beverages, smoking, weddings" (true story).

I don't know why these hotels opt for these elaborate themes. The truth is: NO ONE CARES. People schlepp around in t-shirts and shorts and flip flops. If I ever put up a hotel in Las Vegas I would use as my theme the HOME DEPOT.

Matt and I went to Le Cafe for breakfast. They said "inside or outside?" What??? Outside of course meant under the sky painted ceiling. We chanced that it wouldn't rain and took the outside.

The in-house cable had a channel that spelled out emergency exit procedures. Leave it to the French to provide a surrender strategy.

Remember when Frank Sinatra used to play Vegas? This weekend it was Carrot Top and (at the Riviera) "America's Tribute to Neil Diamond". Not even the real Neil Diamond, an impersonator. In two weeks the Mormon Tabernacle Choir (true) will be appearing. I'd love to see Shecky Green open for them.

Of course you could always pay a gazillion dollars to see Celine Dion screech out five songs a night. Or is that just a Barbra Streisand impersonator??

The Paris had "Arabian Nights Spectacular", something else to make the Jews feel comfortable.

This stunned me: The Mirage features "Siegfried & Roy's Secret Garden & Dolphin Habitat". The ad says: "come face to face with Royal White Tigers". How drunk do you have to be or how much money do you have to lose to want to do THAT??

One thing you can say about Vegas, it has the most amazingly beautiful women in the world. And so where did we spend 90% of our time? At the Sportsbook, the one place that none of them would ever be caught dead in. There were 48 games in four days. At times four were going on simultaneously. I'm betting on teams I've never heard of. The place was packed with rowdy men and good old boys chugging long neck beers. We ordered White Russians, Tequila Sunrises, and Rusty Nails. No one messed with US.

One hazzard: you see the same commercial seventeen thousand times. Especially the one for "Cialis", designed to keep a man ready for 36 hours. Too bad I'm not single. One of those magic pills would be perfect for me. 35 1/2 hours to find a woman then a half hour to perform.

The Banger bet on exhibition baseball. Even Pete Rose never did that.

Matt was carded at the Sportsbook for ordering a Sprite. If you bet $500 a day on horses by the way, you get a coupon for a free drink. Again, French hospitality.

Interesting that it is politically incorrect for colleges to have team names of Indians but it's okay to have the North Carolina Tar Heels and the Manhattan Jaspers.

In keeping with the French theme, accordion music came out of the urinals. Finally, the correct venue for that music.

Elegant dining = no Keno boards.

I rode down the elevator with a beautiful girl who was wearing a white top with two Chinese letters on it. I said, "Do you know what that means?" She said, "No, I bought this because it looks good with the pants." "So you have no idea what that says?" I repeated. "What does it say" she asked. "Kill me!" I said and stepped out of the elevator leaving her aghast.

Slater's girlfriend Valerie/Karen is vegan, which means there are only six things she can eat and she's allergic to four of them. She and Slater are the two nicest people on the planet but I have dubbed them "America's Waiter Killer Couple". Slater switches every table and sends back every order while Valerie/Karen has the kitchen prepare items not on the menu every meal. I would give anything to see these two on SURVIVOR.

Valerie/Karen's back was bothering her so she toted around a pillow to make sitting more comfortable. But a hot girl walking through the casino with a pillow -- she looked like a hooker who advertised.

On Saturday night Mr. Syracuse and his wife hosted a dinner for sixteen of us. They got a private room in the Paris restaurant. I was sure Slater was going to walk in and ask if there was ANOTHER private room for sixteen?

Late one night we went to the Bellagio for a drink. Easily the classiest hotel in Las Vegas, but that's like saying hard salami is the king of luncheon meats. The crowd was the same as everywhere else. We were sitting on an overstuffed couch enjoying a drink (Slater sent his back twice) when a guy who looked like Jerry Garcia plopped down on the easy chair across from us. Told us all about his plans to buy a little shack on the river in an area known as the "California Ozarks". He said he didn't bet on any of the basketball games because of all the "Unsavory element". I asked him if he was there at the Bellagio to see the Monet collection on loan from the Boston Museum? Yeah, the Bellagio is really the Algonquin Round Table West.

Spotted at the Paris pool -- a guy in a ball and chain. I'm guessing (hoping) it was a bachelor party but there he was with a bowling ball attached to a chain handcuffed to his arm. Either that or the hotel was presenting "Les Miserables" poolside.

What is Pai Gow poker???

My sincere thanks to the Banger for getting down to the Sportsbook every morning at 5 to reserve us some seats. Personally, I think he was "In-Seine".

Never, NEVER take America West (America WORST) airlines if you can avoid it. Truly the most inept "shitbirds" in the sky. ALWAYS late, sardine cans for planes. And when you finally do arrive to Totie Fields Field (or whatever the Las Vegas airport is called) it takes a good hour to get a cab.

What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas primarily because you can't count on an America Worst flight to ever get off the ground.

Featured at the Paris Hotel: drinks in plastic Eiffel Tower glasses. $12.50 (true). There was a line. I wonder how many of those people thought they were buying the "actual" Eiffel Tower?

At the end of the weekend all of us either made a little money or broke even, Stanford and Kentucky got eliminated, and the waiters at the Paris hotel got together and paid for Slater's cab to the airport. It was great great fun. Go Jaspers!!!

March 13, 2006

Multi-camera shows that film before live studio audiences generally shoot on Tuesday or Friday nights. That way two shows can share one camera crew. I’ve been asked which of those nights I prefer and why? My answer is Tuesday and it stems from my first foray into playwriting.

A hundred and ten years ago my writing partner, David and I wrote an evening of one-act plays. It was more of an exercise really. We did four one acts in four different comic styles. The small theatre scene in LA was booming at that time. Melrose Ave. had ten or fifteen 99 seat theatres, one more charming than the next. To get to OUR theatre you continued east on Melrose until you heard gunfire then you turned right. Once you got to the first building that wasn’t on fire you turned into the lot and you were there. The 5th Street Studio theatre on 5th and Western over a pizza parlour. We were practically on Broadway.

Our shows ran Friday and Saturday nights for a month. We wanted to close before the summer and any riots. Amazingly, we had good crowds. (These are the same people you see on FEAR FACTOR.) On the first Friday night things were going great. Each act worked. Lots of laughs. The finale was an all out farce – people running in and out of doors, hellzapoppin’. It was 45 minutes long. For the first half hour the audience roared and then suddenly…they just stopped laughing. We couldn’t believe it. The last fifteen minutes (the big wild finale) was greeted with stone silence.

David and I were so thrown we didn’t know what to change. So we decided to just leave it, watch carefully the next night and see just where the play goes off the track.

On Saturday we had another good house. (Must’ve been a GREEN BERET convention in town.) The farce started, the laughs started, we braced ourselves…but this time they didn’t stop laughing. All the way through. In fact the laughs were bigger at the end.

Tremendously relieved, we concluded we just had a bad crowd the previous night (all of their cars had been broken into and they were bummed) and left the script alone.

But the next Friday night the same thing happened as the previous Friday. At the half hour mark the laughs stopped. But on Saturday night they were there wire to wire. And this pattern continued throughout the run.

What it taught us was that Friday night audiences are tired. It’s been a long week, they’ve just come from work and at a certain point they’re just pooped. Saturday crowds had a day to relax.

Since then we’ve always shot our shows on Tuesday nights. It’s the middle of the week, it gives people something to look forward to, and most importantly, they have more energy.

I’d feel bad for those four Friday night audiences but hey, they got home alive. You can’t ask much more from theatre in Los Angeles than that.

March 12, 2006

One of many catchy sayings here. Greetings from Bonita Springs, Florida. My writing partner, David and I are in the “the Gateway to the Gulf” (the Gentile side of the state) to do research for a spec pilot we plan to write. And hey, who knew, spring training was going on at the same time? But the important thing is to capture this world as honestly and accurately as we can. Of course if the pilot were set in Alabama we’d just wing it from home.

It’s the same kind of dedication that led to a drinking problem when I was on CHEERS. But worth it of course for my “art”.

On Thursday I head up to New York. I’m collaborating on the book for an upcoming musical called THE 60’s PROJECT. It will be performed this summer at the Goodspeed Theatre somewhere in Connecticut. I don’t know much about that area. I just picture this quaint theatre surrounded by thousands of gift shops selling syrup and turquoise everything-else. The project, (conceived by Janet Brenner, book by Janet and me, and directed by Tony winner, Richard Maltby Jr.) follows a generation through the decade and is filled with great 60’s songs like “If You Wanna Be Happy For the Rest of Your Life, Just Make an Ugly Woman Your Wife” and other Dylan hits. Hopefully there are a lot of old hippies hiding in the woods who are also musical theatre buffs and have disposable income.

A workshop of the 60’s PROJECT was held last November at CAP 21 in New York and went over very well. And we think it’ll play even better this summer when we make some changes and it’s performed for baby boomers who are so stoned they think they’re watching BRIGADOON.

I’ll try to keep posting while out here on the road. And a full travelogue of my adventures will appear sometime next week.

But for now I must put on plaid shorts with the belt right underneath my armpits, a short sleeve shirt with huge flapping sleeves, a visor, tennis shoes and black socks, and go search for the best early bird in Bonita Springs. I hope that doesn’t mean Shoeneys.

Ken Levine is an Emmy winning writer/director/producer/major league baseball announcer. In a career that has spanned over 30 years Ken has worked on MASH, CHEERS, FRASIER, THE SIMPSONS, WINGS, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, BECKER, DHARMA & GREG, and has co-created his own series including ALMOST PERFECT starring Nancy Travis. He and his partner wrote the feature VOLUNTEERS. Ken has also been the radio/TV play-by-play voice of the Baltimore Orioles, Seattle Mariners, San Diego Padres.