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Random thoughts with sporadically profound meaning

Monthly Archives: September 2015

Admittedly, I am going through withdrawal. I have not gone on a cleanse nor have I given up an addiction but I find myself recently emancipated from certain friends who truly know my soul and I feel somewhat lost.

Cultivating a friendship from a distance becomes easier as more time passes. The initial shock of distress subsides and the feeling of isolation is adapted to and accepted. But when that friendship is reanimated at a one-on-one level it makes the strain of separation that much more painful when those friends have to leave again.

I had effortlessly assimilated to a quiet lifestyle and one that I enjoy very much. I had been very content to come home to an idyllic piece of property in a secluded location that I share only with my dog. I had become ensconced in a life of post-work anonymity. And then the axis of my world shifted.

After decades of being complacent, I found my mind wandering. After years of feeling satiated, I found myself yearning for something I had not known I was seeking. The thought of a different lifestyle became abundantly clear and my mind was in turmoil.

I have not invited any of these conceptions into the realm of my existence at this point, but knowing I have the opportunity to entertain these strange thoughts is exciting. Having the ability to welcome these curious ideas into my life is liberating. And just thinking that there is another chapter of my life possibly waiting to be written is extremely enticing.

“We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.” ~ Francios de La Rochefoucauld

I want to think I have not lost myself in the process only to discover I have missed out on writing that new chapter. I wish to believe that the well of ink still exists and will allow me to continue creating the story that is my life. And I will never know if that story continues here or exists in another place until I become brave enough to turn that next page.

“If I am what I have and if I lose what I have, who then am I?” ~ Erich Fromm

I sold my gazebo in the spring. It was a beautiful structure but grossly underutilized. Now when I look out across my lawn I see nothing but nature. Apart from what looks like a crop circle where the gazebo once stood, it is simple, it is unencumbered and it now more honestly represents the way I live my life.

I am not the sum of my belongings. I appreciate the eclectic and not the expensive. I am more comfortable in second-hand jeans and a sweatshirt than I am in a designer dress. I do not own a coordinating set of anything. My furniture blends but it doesn’t match and the colors inside of my house reflect the colors outside of my house. Greens and browns soothe me and that will never change. It is how I grew up, it is how I live and it is how I thrive.

Life, for me, is about the simple things. I am not inundated by random possessions, I am not overwhelmed by clutter and I am not constricted by a collection of things that are meant to impress anyone other than myself.

I tend to be a homebody and spend more time with my dog after work than I do in public places. I like to think I am not anti-social but merely selectively social.

Finding happiness in the simple things brings me a sense of peace. I am not constantly striving to keep up with any trends other than my own. I am not seeking a status that I never initially wanted and I live by my own rules.

Happiness has a unique definition to each person who has the luxury of finding that elusive feeling. Mine is a rudimentary definition, explained with simple words and carried out in the most uncomplicated way. I live honestly, I live sincerely and I live knowing that I will never be defined by what I have, but rather by who I am.

Working in the hospitality business goes hand in hand with working strange and long hours. I can adapt to the hours but my dog is the one who takes the brunt of my lifestyle. I will never leave her outside on a chain to battle the elements – she is firmly ensconced in our home, lazily spending her hours watching the wildlife from the comfort of my bed. I have several people who are more than willing to come over and let her out during the day because she is such a happy dog and, for me, having her be the excuse to leave work for thirty minutes is wonderful. She is never a prisoner in her home – she is akin to a wealthy home owner with servants to look after her every whim.

During these long days, I often wonder how she bides her time. Is she going through kitchen cabinets? Has she mastered the satellite remote? Does she inventory my refrigerator? But each day when I get home from my struggle to survive my sometimes 10-14 hour days, she is there to greet me and nothing in the house seems out-of-place. Until a few months ago…..

I returned home from my usual work day and I was greeted by the reassuring excitability that I have come to expect. The house, as usual, was completely intact. The garbage was untouched and the serene ambiance wrapped its arm around my shoulder and pulled me into its embrace to welcome me home.

My attention was immediately diverted to the duvet cover and what seemed to be a single article of clothing bunched up in the middle of the bed. It wasn’t shredded and remained intact, however the entire shirt was extremely damp. She had been licking my shirt for the better part of who knows how long, focusing on the remnants of deodorant I had left behind. The baffling thing was, had I not known where the shirt was originally, I would never have known how she got to it. My closet is masked by a cloth shower curtain that poses itself as a makeshift door. Somehow, she was able to remove the shroud of the curtain, gingerly lift the shirt from the pile of laundry in the basket and replace the curtain so nobody would catch on to her devious plot.

As much as I miss her during my day, it struck me at that moment how much she truly missed me during her day. The writing was on the wall, or in this case on the bed. My scent comforted her during her lonely day and it made my heart ache to realize that fact. We have a very close bond and one that she feels as much as I do.

I can only take solace in the fact that my work days will soon become shorter and more structured. My time with her will increase and perhaps her need to be close to my deodorant-saturated shirts will abate somewhat because I will be here in the physical form and not just the odoriferous form.

And who knows, perhaps in the meantime I can save myself a fortune on laundry.

I have admitted before that my guilty pleasure is anything to do with “The Bachelor”, “The Bachelorette” or “Bachelor in Paradise”. The shows are a ridiculous waste of time but time that allows me to indulge in absurd adult behavior caught on film and edited in a fashion that allows the viewers to quickly form opinions, not necessarily their own, about the participants on “reality television” but leave reality completely behind.

After the most recent publicly humiliating break-up, a female contestant was asked if she was in love with the man who broke her heart. Her inane response, through a shower of tears, was, “No, but it was close enough.”.

That line stuck with me for a long time after the show ended. Through a furrowed brow, I frequently went back to that line and mulled over how sad a life she must lead if she is merely willing to settle for close enough. I know I am giving too much attention to a line on a television show that was edited for its shock value but it made me think about how many people suffer from the same yearning of just wanting to believe they have found that special person.

This past weekend I was privileged to witness, and be part of, a ceremony that was leaps and bounds past close enough. Two people, who are a perfect fit, pledged their love to each other in front of family and friends this past Saturday. Their connection to each other redefines the opposite of close enough. Their body language sounds louder than an orchestra. Their eye contact portrays more emotion than a well-directed Hollywood romance. And their genuine affection and care for each other is as conspicuous as snow in July.

Although I have a few more years under my belt, this past weekend they taught me a life lesson about what it is to truly find the person you were meant to be with. There is no close enough. There is no settling. Love has one definition and there is no room for interpretation. Love has no voice, only actions. Anyone can say ‘I love you’ but it is the person that is willing to show you that love who will truly capture your heart.

Robert Heinlein said it and I quoted him in my toast to the happy couple ~ “Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”

They have found that love. And I can only hope that everyone has, or one day will have, the great fortune of finding a love that is close enough to the that bond these two share.

As the dusk envelops an absolutely beautiful day, I prepare myself for one of the remaining two sleeps until my best friend walks down the aisle. The last-minute details are falling into place. Decorations are being completed, rehearsals are being performed and speeches are being fine-tuned. And for me, the cake is being designed and the tissues are being collected and stored in accessible pockets. The day is near. Time has passed unusually quickly and the dawn of her wedding day is almost upon us.

We sat tonight, a group of random strangers who immediately became friends because of a common bond we have with the bride and groom, and we shared some precious moments leading up to the big day. Not only did I meet some wonderful people, but I inexplicably became engaged to a delightful couple from Calgary!

Weddings bring out the best in people. There is something inherently special about celebrating two people who have found “their person”. There are details. There are embellishments. There is food, wine and dancing. But above all of the tangible things associated with a wedding, there is a deep-rooted knowledge that the only really important detail about the wedding day is love.

I will proudly make my way down the aisle to stand beside my best friend as she says the two words that will mark the beginning of her new journey. May they both remember the path that led them here and may they both embrace the adventure they are about to begin.

It’s not what we have in life, it’s who we have in our life that matters.

I don’t have children but my countdown to the beginning of the school season is just as exciting. There are no giant red X’s on any calendars but the anticipation for the first week of September is palpable. While the teachers prepare their rooms with the letters of the alphabet strung across the top of the chalk boards, I am only concerned with three of those letters. N-F-L

(one of my favorite pics of my dad)

My child-like excitement for the sport is well-known throughout my friends and family and especially by many others who are members of my football pool. My incessant emails begin during pre-season and escalate substantially as the NFL ramps up to the first kick off of the regular season.

I prepare my dog for the blast of profanities (my sports-related Tourette’s syndrome) that will inevitably be passed from my lips only to fall on the deaf ears of the referees. This is a beloved family tradition passed down from my grandparents and who am I to argue with tradition? They were masters of the verbal barrage of expletives and were not selective when it came to yelling at referees – hockey, football, baseball umpires, nobody was safe. I reserve my assassination of the English language specifically for the line judges, field judges, side judges and back judges of the NFL. There are also a few well-placed curse words expelled during fumbles, sacks and interceptions. (I don’t discriminate.)

I have been busy over the last few days preparing my three pages of football sheets for the over 60 participants in my football pool. Let the games begin and let my grasp of the English language be slightly marred. Hell hath no fury like a woman watching football!!