Monthly Archives: January 2016

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I came home from a friend’s today, and was walking around the house outside and in calling Maggie in one last ditch effort to get her home. I had done this multiple times in the last 2 days. I wasn’t hopeful, but just couldn’t believe that she would run out the door and not find her way around the house to the deck.

All of a sudden I heard a cawing sound like a crow. Inside the house. I thought maybe it came from the basement where my son was watching TV. But no….I closed the basement door and heard it again. I am deaf in one ear, almost, so have a hard time distinguishing where sounds come from. I looked outside the slider to the deck, and outside the front door, which I’d left open. (It’s 56° here today!!) No Maggie.

Then I heard it one more time and realized it was upstairs. I ran up stairs and opened my spare bedroom door, which I keep closed almost all the time so I don’t have to heat or air condition it.

There she was!

This has happened before, but she has always made it clear where she is and how she’d not like to be there. But this time, not a peep. Until today. She seems none the worse for the wear.

I’m so happy she is not dead. And my son is too…he was feeling so guilty for leaving the door open. (And I told him not to, that she has done that to me a million times, snuck out that door while I’m bringing groceries or whatever in from the car.) Just so glad.

Now I’m going to have to get a really good rug shampoo and clean that room out….

Yesterday was a rather chaotic day. We were evacuated from our building for about 45 minutes because they thought there might be a gas leak. That threw me off all day, because Friday is a busy day for me anyway, and I’d lost 45 minutes. Grrrr. No gas leak….

My best friend at work with whom I have worked for 11 years retired yesterday. Thursday we had a little get-together for her sponsored by the company, where they gave her a lovely gift, and etc. Then last night we all took her out for drinks, and sat around talking for a few hours. She knew me before I left my ex, and supported me all through my long ugly contentious divorce and custody issues, and through the at times tumultuous relationship with S, especially the end. I loved her because she was never judgmental, always empathetic. She and her husband have been married 48 years. I will miss her so much.

When I got home it was late, I was hungry, tired….I didn’t notice that Maggie my cat did not greet me at the door. But my son was in the kitchen when I got home, I could hear a couple of his friends in the basement so that could have accounted for not seeing Maggie, she’s a skittish when there are other people around.

However, when I went to bed a couple hours later, and she didn’t follow me upstairs to my bedroom or bathroom, I realized that she wasn’t there, and began looking for her. She was not in the house. My son came up and asked me what was up, I told him. He thought back and said when he got home the door from the kitchen to the garage was open for about 30 seconds while he ran out to get something from his car. So Maggie must have snuck out the door. An open door is way too much temptation for a cat not to go through.

I went to the slider to my deck and opened it, calling her name. She always comes when called, but did not this time. I called and called. It was cold last night, well below freezing. Her belly is still shaved from her surgery, so she doesn’t even have all her fur. I finally went to bed, and asked my night owl son to check a few more times to see if she was on the deck. I woke at 2 or so and heard him calling her from the deck, but she didn’t come.

She’s not there this morning either. I am afraid I’ve lost her. There are woods behind my house. I can’t imagine she found shelter from the cold. I’m so worried about her. She’s not an outdoor cat. I’m sure she would have come when I called if she could have.

Do you think people are doing the best they can, usually? It’s a question we were asking at book club last night, as we sat around my kitchen table eating my soup and biscuits. We read “The Untethered Soul”, and it seemed ironic to all of us, that the place we used the lessons the most was at work. Because all of us spend 8 (at least!) hours a day there with people with whom we have to get along, by necessity not by choice.

In her book Rising Strong, Brene Brown has a whole chapter on whether or not people are doing the best they can. I remember reading it on my way to Virginia to my nieces wedding. I was reading before the plane took off, and 20 minutes later, I was reading this chapter, the break-up with S very fresh, only 2 weeks before. I was looking so forward to being with my whole family, in their loving arms, for a joyous occasion.

I wasn’t doing well with the break-up. I was devastated. The text I got, ending our relationship, was just so cruel, I couldn’t get past it. I knew I was the one that holding onto the pain would kill. But I couldn’t seem to find a way out of it, and then, I didn’t even know the whole truth, I didn’t even know they’d been together all summer, and S denied it vehemently.

I was sitting in the plane and read this chapter about whether or not most people are doing the best they can. A door was opened for me, with that chapter, to walk through, toward forgiveness. I clutched my kindle to my chest for a moment, and turned to look out the window, so my seat mates wouldn’t see the tears rolling down my cheeks. As I looked out the window, I saw we were flying down Long Island Sound, over places that I loved, that my ex and I had gone to in the boat many times. Places where. I have memories with my son as a toddler, long hot summer days. Shelter Island, Three Mile Harbor, Sag Harbor, Montauk. I have called them places of my dreams.

It was like a gift, to see those places at that moment, the water sparkling in the autumn sun, the islands and harbors clear and crisp. I realized then, that S, and my ex, were doing the best they could at the time. Caught up in something they lost control of, emotions that had their root somewhere deep inside of them. And me too…. I had been writing out my pain here, because that’s how I deal with pain. I knew S read it, I was lashing out at him.

Doing the best I could also.

I hadn’t spoken to him for some days at least, at that time. When the plane landed, I sent him a text telling him that I knew he was doing the best he could, and that I hoped he knew I was too.

I find acknowledging this so much easier than being angry and vengeful. I believe in unconditional love, which means we don’t get to pick and choose who we love. I have been blessed to have unconditional love all my life, and I was flying into it, going to my family. Who was I to judge anyone else? We don’t know the burdens another carries. Even though I thought I knew him well, obviously I didn’t know him that well.

My ex….was all about power and control, because he didn’t know how else to keep people in his life. The idea of unconditional love was foreign to him, and he never realized that the only control he ever had over me was the amount he loved me. Which, by the end, I didn’t feel at all. And he blindsided himself, he thought I had no choice but to stay with him. Thought that right up until I walked out the door.

But I think, in all honesty, he was doing the best he could with the tools he was given, to keep his family together. He just wasn’t able to love, wholly and unconditionally. He didn’t know better. What’s worse, is he didn’t believe he was worthy of love just because he existed. He was taught that love had to be earned, and could be taken away at any moment.

I can’t think of anything more painful that believing for your whole life that you are not worthy of love and belonging. As if, because he was the child of broken people, it changed the fact that he still, on his own, was worthy. He tried, really, to be different, but he didn’t have the tools. I didn’t understand, and was caught up in that cycle of abuse, power, control. I was unequipped to help him.

But yeah, I think people, for the most part are doing the best they can based on their level of consciousness at the time. I try to remember that when I’m at work, and people irritate me. I try to take a breath, and be kind, compassionate. I don’t know what burdens they are carrying.

It’s a lesson worth holding on to. We’re all just walking each other home, after all.

Why did I have to wake up at 3:50 AM today? Wide awake. I lay in bed trying to go back to sleep for over an hour, to no avail. It will be a long day, I fear.

I wonder what it would be like to sleep through the night, unaided by a prescription sleep aid. I don’t take them often any more, but I do miss the 6 hours of unbroken sleep they gave me. I generally wake up every couple of hours, and if I’m lucky, I get back to sleep pretty quickly. If I’m not lucky…well, it’s like this morning. Lay there, and hope.

I’ve tried melatonin. I took the smallest dose I could find, and cut it in half. I sleep, but I also dream so vividly that I awake exhausted. So, scratch that. I’ve tried over the counter sleep aids, which work sometimes and sometimes don’t. What works the best is to play some quiet meditation type music and to read for awhile. I can usually get to sleep, and often when I wake up, I put the music on again and go back to sleep. For some reason at 4 AM this morning, I didn’t want to put the music back on.

I guess I’ll use the extra time to set up for my book club meeting tonight. And make some lists of what I need to pick up today on my lunch hour.

I’m tired tonight after a 10 hour work day and when I got home there were a few things I had to do because my book club is meeting here tomorrow night.

A thought just came to me, from a conversation I had today with a friend. That sometimes the past creeps into the present, no matter how hard you try to guard against it. And when it does, you have to just let it creep back out the back door.

I got my dates to go visit my sis in Florida. I’m going the week of March 7 and for about a week, which is the longest I’ve ever gone! I’m very excited about it. I have a couple of neighborhoods I want to scope out while I’m there. But balmy breezes, sunrises on the town dock, (the picture above is one I took of one of the more stunning sunrises there), walking the beach of the Gulf of Mexico every morning. Even the call of the peacocks is beautiful to me.

It will be so cool to live close to my sister. I have never in my adult life lived close to any of my family. None of us have, my sisters and I have always been spread out across the country.

The idea of moving is overwhelming though. To get the house ready to sell, to put it on the market, to figure out how to get all my stuff down there, and my cat, and then I’ll have to store it until I find the house I want. The logistics of giving notice at work, to coincide with closing on my house when it sells, and moving into a temporary place while I look for somewhere permanent. I will be unsettled for awhile.

But with the beach close, I should be able to stay grounded, lol.

I will also miss my friends so much. That’s the hardest thing to leave, is the wonderful people I have here. I’ve lived in the same small town since 1978. My son has spent all 23 of his years here. I think all of my friends are parents of kids he hung out with, played baseball or hockey with. The blessing is though, I know they will all come to see me, and I know I can come up here and stay with them. I’ll like that.

I was driving home one night thinking, “It will be a long time down there, before you can drive around knowing exactly where you are without even thinking about it.” But that’s ok, I know I’ll have the path to the beach memorized soon enough when I get settled!

What I’m looking forward to the most is not working. Getting up and writing until I’m done, making jewelry, maybe learning something new. I hope I can find a house with a space for me to be creative, because even though I am very right-brained as it is, I intend for that part of my brain to run free when I don’t have to work!! You never know what might come out of it.

I hope I can find a spiritual community. I know the gong baths will be probably non-existent, but if I can find a meditation group, maybe even one that has sound healing, that will ease the moving stress.

Time for me to go check flights! Have a good day, everyone. Love and light.

I’ve been nominated for the One Lovely Blog Award by my good friend Megan, who writes the wonderful blog Finding My Way Home, https://lovewillleadyouhome.wordpress.com/. Megan is smart, and insightful, and like me puts a spiritual bent to a lot of what she writes. Her blog is wonderful…go read her and follow! Thank you so much Megan!

The rules are as follows:

Thank the person that nominated you and provide a link to their blog.

List the rules.

Display the award on your post of the award.

List seven facts about yourself.

Nominate 15 bloggers for this award and comment on one of their posts to let them know you have nominated them.

Facts about me:

I grew up in Iowa, 3 blocks from the Mississippi River. I had a basically Normal Rockwell childhood.

I know how to navigate a boat, using just a compass and a chart.

I want to learn to paint!

When I retire, I want to take a celebration trip to Italy. For, in Liz Gilbert’s words, the pleasure of it.