This was a straight-up sound effects bit written for PHC. Weirdly, the file I have saved is incomplete, so I had to pull up a re-written version. Just substitute "GK" for "ANNOUNCER." It's from 2005, as my "use by" date was rapidly approaching. They last used a bit of mine in 2004, and this is for 2005 going on 2006, so it's definitely the tail end of my career there. But it's pure PHC, a gathering of sound effects for their SFX guy to go to town with. Tom Keith was as much a member of the show's cast as anyone else. They could be fun bits and I wanted to belong to the crew, too, so I'd churn these kinds of bits out thinking it would give be a head's up. It never did. Or even writing a New Year's sketch. How many of them are kicking around?

We present this holiday comedy to remind you that my Christmas Comedy Caper, Lost Claus is available over at Amazon. So buy your copy today and avoid the holiday rush!

New Year’s Noisemakers

ANNOUNCER: Why have a dull old New Years Eve when you can have a noisy one with state of the art noisemakers from ACME Noisemakers? We carry all sorts of noisemakers. We have traditional noisemakers, like the horn…

(Horn)ANNOUNCER: …The ratchet…

(Ratchet)

ANNOUNCER: …the blow out…

(Blow out)

ANNOUNCER: And Uncle Henry after a couple of cups of holiday punch.

HENRY: (drunk) Happy Yew Nears, every botty!

ANNOUNCER: We also carry the more exotic types like the groan tube…

(Groan)

ANNOUNCER: …and the kazoo.

(Kazoo)

ANNOUNCER: Of course, back in my day, we didn’t have fancy, factory-made noisemakers. We had to make do with things found around the house. Like banging pots.

(Clanging)

ANNOUNCER: Or swinging the cat.

(Meoooow, spits)

ANNOUNCER: My aunt used shake a chicken at midnight…

(Wobbly clucks)

ANNOUNCER: …but would squeeze a duck in a pinch.

(Quack, quack)

ANNOUNCER: But no more, thanks to ACME Noisemakers. Now if anyone falls asleep at your party you can wake them with a blast from an ACME horn or blow-out.

(Snore…horn…)

MAN: What the---? Is it New Year’s?

WOMAN: It’s nine o’clock. Wake up. You’re sleeping in the onion dip.

MAN: Oh. It’s very good.

WOMAN: Why, thank you.

ANNOUNCER: ACME Noisemakers. They’re not just for St. Patrick’s Day any more. ​ (All noisemakers go off) End