monster

Sometimes when walking alone at night you may find yourself haunted by this persistent apparition, which will trudge alongside you sighing loudly, openly tutting, rolling its eyes and shaking its head sadly/angrily.

When it all gets to be too much, and you finally snap and ask “What’s wrong with you?” or “Are you all right?” the creature will only ever answer “I’m fine.”

Every time somebody misspells “Cthulhu” on the internet, they get closer to completing the incantation which will call that monstrous entity’s slightly less impressive, differently-spelled cousin to this Earthly realm.

Cuthuthluth is damp, five foot two, and smells of seaweed and desperation. Unlike his Great and Old cosmic cousin, he is not covered in tentacles. That’s not what those are.

A suave little sprite, Bobby Mahogany dwells in large furniture stores and whispers suggestively into visiting ladies’ ears: “oh, wouldst not that chest of drawers look delicious in thy bedroom?” or “my sweet, thou hast only been in here for an hour, why not look at all the chests of drawers again?” or “of course, a lady canst never have too many chests of drawers.”

You may have heard of “elementals” – powerful entities born of fire, water, air or earth. Jonjo was born of the element of surprise. You absolutely won’t be expecting him to pop up in your kitchen or bathroom, and you certainly won’t be expecting him to shout “MERINGUE!” right in your face, but that’s what he will do.

Of course, now you’ve read this, and you are expecting him to do it, he won’t. Ever. Surprise!

The Probiotic Yoggoth looks awful and tastes even worse, but if you can swallow a Yoggoth whole it will eliminate any stomach problems you may have, by eating your stomach. It will then eliminate any kidney problems, liver problems and, ultimately, any problems you may be experiencing or causing for other people. Useful.

They say “It’s The Thort that counts” and they are right. Here The Thort is counting how many pounds he saved by just thinking about buying a Valentines present this year instead of actually doing it..