Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Catastrophic Customer Service.

9 days until The Mister leaves. 13 until Mac leaves. 15 until Bubba & I leave.

I just want to crawl into a ball and wait it out. There's so many stupid, asinine, superfluous things left to take care of, and none of them actually feel like their completion is making progress toward the goal of just getting ourselves from A to B. Admittedly, a lot of this is my anxiety talking.

Just waiting for something to light the fuse.

I remember this feeling from when we were about to go to Mexico. It's a level of stress that makes me a supremely unpleasant person to be around. I can't answer anymore questions about "aren't you excited!?" because right now I'm not. And I can't really focus on anything going on with anyone else because I have literally a thousand other things I have to focus on - they have to get done in the next 10-15 days. The Mister's co-workers are throwing us a "going away" party on Friday and I am already amped up about how much I don't want to go and put on a "everything is super spiffy!" mask for the whole time.

Unfortunately, my instinct to just avoid contact with the outside world works really well on making me not a burden to everyone except... The Mister, who is also stressed out of his mind, but only recovers from breaking the monotony of check boxes on to-do lists through contact with other human beings. Opposites attract. And then spend the lead-up to international moves trying to not kill each other. Ah, love.

Anyway, one of these stupid little check-list things was making sure Bubba can come with me as a carry-on in 15 days. If you're curious, the steps for cat as carry-on are thus:

Make sure the little fuzzball's got his customs import paperwork in order.

Make sure YOU have a ticket on the plane.

Make sure he hasn't gained too much weight to be too big for the carry-on sized carrier (just barely checked that off).

Call the airline a few weeks ahead of time and let them know the cat is coming along.

Day of, give the airline extra money as a penance for being "that person" on the plane with the cat.

Now, you may remember that last time I took Bubba on a plane I live-tweeted the experience. I will do this again (@KpQuePasa) on the 5th of February, so look for that.

He's going to be so pleased we don't have to go through the whale-song tunnel this time.

It should also serve as proof that I have some experience in this department and was well aware of these steps when I called Delta two weeks ago to notify them of Bubba's accompaniment. Here is the conversation I had with the "Customer Service Representative," which is in air quotes for maximum sarcasm emphasis on how poor her customer service skills were. We'll call her Linda, because that sounds good, and also because she mumbled her name so poorly upon our initial introduction that I couldn't write it down. (This sucks because I would have written Delta in a heartbeat about her.)

L: Hello this is Delta, my name is Linda, how can I help you?Kp: Yes, Hi. I’ve got a flight to Japan coming up in early February and I plan to bring my cat with me.L: That’s not our issue, you have to do the customs stuff with Japan’s government.Kp: Yeah, I know, the customs work has already been done, I’m just calling about bringing the cat on the flight as my carry on.L: You can’t do that unless you tell us you’re doing that.Kp: [I paused here because, is this not obvious?]…Yes. I know. That is why I have called. To tell you.L: Well I don’t see your flight on my screen.Kp: I’m… sorry? [was I supposed to somehow manipulate her computer from my phone to fix this for her?] I have the flight number and my seat assignment.L:You’re in business class.*
[significant pause, because she did not add anything to this statement and I really thought she was going to.]Kp: Yes, I am in business class.L: *Exasperated sigh* well you can’t HAVE a cat in business class. You’re just going to have to find someone to take care of him while you’re gone.

Okay I have to stop here for a second. I'm guessing she does not have a pet, because anyone who has ever had a pet would not be so cruel and abrasive to immediately jump to "this incovinences me so she must GET RID OF HER PET." Also full disclosure, my brain immediately switch from "more flies with honey" being nice mode to "oh, it's ON, bitch" mode right at this second.

What would you have done if a stranger just casually demanded that you get rid of a pet?

Tell me in the comments!

Kp: Listen up. That is not an option. I have already taken care of all of his other living arrangements abroad. If I can’t have him in business class I will downgrade to whatever class will allow him.L: I can’t do that for you, there’s a seat change charge.Kp: Then I’m hearing that you CAN do that for a fee. Is that correct?L: Well yes, but you have to pay for the cat, too.Kp: What do I need to do to change the seat?L: UGH. [<- are you kidding me, Linda?!] Hold please.[After 5 minutes of hold time, she returns]
I can’t change your ticket. [The Mister's] company booked it for you. They have to change it. And then you have to pay for your cat. And if you don’t give us notice that cat is not flying on the plane.Kp: Wow. Really. I’m pretty sure we established that I understand the notice policy. I’m sorry to have inconvenienced you so by trying to, in fact, give you notice.L: Ma’am, I’m not sure what you’re missing. You can’t give notice because this cat can’t be in business class.

There has never been a more perfect place for this gif right here.

Kp: Yes, I do in fact, get that. I’m going to get off the phone now and actually fix the situation.L: Don’t bring your cat with you and just expect him to get on the plane! You have to PAY. It won’t happen.

And then I hung up on her. Because I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the asshole in that scenario.

So that was fun. The Mister's company got my ticket switched around, and I called yesterday to get Bubba on their record, and spoke with a much nicer dude who made sure we had all I's dotted and T's crossed. We're set now. Annoying though, that a checklist item which should have taken 5 minutes took two weeks. Ugh.

*You know what the one true bummer of this whole thing is? Like, I understand if they've put a no-go on cats in Business class. I don't like it, but whatever, I don't own the plane. However, The Mister's company pays for me to fly business class -aka the section where you get a fully lay-down-able bed and personal space- ONCE. And I had to forfeit that to sit with Bubs in the section where I have zero leg space and a little TV in the back of the seat in front of me. Which will inevitably burn out my retinas because they dim the cabin lights for the flight and I will just sit in the dark and play sudoku on a tiny, bright screen for 13 hours.