FRANK TALK: Some light reading material

Monday

Apr 3, 2017 at 1:00 PM

I admit I'm no mind reader.

Still, I'm going to attempt to channel the mind and read the thoughts of the guy behind me in the McDonald's parking lot the other day. He was driving a really large showy kind of pickup vehicle. Though it was designed to be a work truck it seemed by its pristine condition to have been purchased out of affectation.

This guy’s actions puzzled me as I sat in my inoffensive little white hatchback, waiting for an opportunity to re-enter the traffic stream.

Since it was the middle of a workday, this was not a friendly, inviting stream.

This was the Amazon at the height of piranha season. The notion that someone would slow down to let me enter traffic was as unlikely as pears growing on a peach tree. So why would this guy beep his horn at me? That’s what was so inexplicable. That is what I must explore …

OK … I'm channeling now … trying to get into this guy's brainpan … hmmmm …

Yes … I think I’m there … Yes … I’m inside his thoughts …

GUY’S THOUGHTS: “I drive a big flashy pickup kept so bright and shiny that it's obvious I don't use it for work … I eat at McDonald's … I'm impatient … I have a sense of entitlement … I'm convinced that this is my planet, and that all others are just visiting … What's this (expletive from guy’s brain deleted) in front of me doing? What a (expletive from guy’s brain deleted)! I've been waiting here for five seconds already. I ain't got all day. I've got to be somewhere so I can berate someone immediately. I'm so important I've got to get out of this McDonald's parking lot right now! Look at how big and shiny my pickup is! What do you think? I use it to haul stuff? OK, that's seven seconds gone already. What is this (expletive from guy’s brain deleted) idiot waiting for - he could have pulled out there. Go! Go! I know he could have made that. I can tell from my vantage point behind him where I can't see traffic at all. Yet I know. I know! Go! Go! It's been 10 seconds, 10 (expletive from guy’s brain deleted) seconds! I'll beep at him. That will show the (expletive from guy’s brain deleted) who he's dealing with. Look at how much higher I am than he is in my cab. Doesn't that mean something, you (expletive from guy’s brain deleted) - beep, beep. OK, I beeped and this (expletive from guy’s brain deleted) still isn't moving. What a (expletive from guy’s brain deleted)! Doesn't he realize how important it is for me to get out of this McDonald's parking lot in under 30 seconds? Can he be that (expletive from guy’s brain deleted) stupid! I know, I'll beep again. That should underline the fact that his lack of action is working me up into a righteous rage, the kind of anger that can best be delivered from the height of a flashy pickup truck that I use to go from my office to McDonald's to take advantage of the special on McNuggets. Can't this (expletive from guy’s brain deleted) see that? I'm in a bigger hurry than everyone else! Can't he see that I'm driving a big flashy pickup truck that I don't use like a pickup truck, that dumb (expletive from guy’s brain deleted) - beep, beep. OK, that's twice in a row I've beeped and all that (expletive from guy’s brain deleted) can do is continue inching dangerously out into traffic instead of peeling out and forcing his way in between speeding motor vehicles so that I can get out of this parking lot in under 30 seconds. OK, that's it. I'm going to go around him in this narrow exiting area, cutting off people trying to get out of the parking lot and enter traffic in the opposite lane and quite possibly endanger everyone's life because this (expletive from guy’s brain deleted) is going to keep me stuck in this (expletive from guy’s brain deleted) McDonald's parking lot for longer than 30 seconds. Hey, finally the dumb (expletive from guy’s brain deleted) forced his way into traffic and, look, only one car swerved to narrowly avoid him and only one other car beeped as it careened on by. See, you (expletive from guy’s brain deleted), you could have done that 29 seconds ago and saved me all this (expletive from guy’s brain deleted) aggravation and grief and - hey, he's rolling down his window and shouting something at me - I'm a what? He called me a what? I can't believe the nerve on that (expletive from guy’s brain deleted). He's lucky I'm running late to berate someone, boy. I'll tell you. Some people have no regard for others when they get behind the wheel these days … What a (expletive from guy’s brain deleted)!”

Then … slowly … I came back to my senses …

I was seated back at my desk, no longer reading this guy’s thoughts. Wow, now I understand this gentleman. I’ve walked a mile in his shoes. Clearly, he’s one gigantic (expletive from my brain deleted).

Wareham Courier Editor Frank Mulligan can be reached at fmulligan@wickedlocal.com.

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