Oh oh oh I feel that. I had to do that too, live with him after we broke up. I still look at those months of the blog and they are covered with a shroud of darkness. I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist. It will do nothing but good things, if only for that hour that you’re there. *ouch* I feel your pain.

Oh, thor. I’m sorry too. You wrote about loving without reason, and putting yourself out there, and the question of being able to trust again after this.

…which made me think of Mogo. He’s been scared one too many times by the beast, I wonder – and perhaps is tired of being afraid for you, afraid for the girls (I’m speculating here but bear with me). And so distance, to him, might be self-preservation, withdrawl for the sake of what he sees as constancy. Like you said, he may just be exhausted… but not of you, just of the turmoil.

My point is that I don’t want you to see this as a shortfall in YOU. From here this feels like love-based fear, not disinterest or incompatibility. I just think that’s an important distinction to make, because I don’t want you to blur the lines between you (vibrant, stimulating, funny you) and the beast.

I’m so glad you’re starting with therapy. I hope so much for you that it’s a good fit, because it would be so amazing for you to have a touchstone that’s relevant and objective.. someone who could give you a framework for tackling that fear, and focusing on that fantastic list of yours.

I think love is never without reason, that no matter how much one ends up hurt and betrayed, that to love is better than not to. To reach and fall is better than not to reach. Otherwise it’s a dark place. To risk Love is just as much for yourself as for the other.

That said, I’ve spent 30 years not beleiving the above and I still sometimes can’t.

But what you have written here on your blog, over all this time, says to me that you have so much to give and so much to get.

For the sake of brevity, I’ve apparently been living a lie for quite a few months-only I didn’t know it. I knew things weren’t perfect, but hell, who’s marriage is? I thought we were still in love.

This is merely the seagull landing on the top of the iceburg.

But he is tired. That kind of tired that ends things. And nothing I say or do can change any of it, and my body misses the echo that is, and I stare at my children, wondering what we’re doing and I try to figure out if I was ever good to him in the first place.

oh my gosh!
I’m so truly sorry to learn this. so really sorry. don’t know what else to say. so he’s not willing to work at it anymore?? marriage is tough, and love is not enough to keep it working I stronly believe that, you need so much more than love to make things move in a marriage, love is the basis, but not enough. is he not willing to even try to move on together?

Thor,
Is your dad coming out to help you through this? It’s hard enough being a Mom to two young ones, let alone trying to parent through this–especially with school on the horizon for the birthday girl. I know the girls adore your dad. I hope that he can help ease much of the day-to-day stress and sorrow for everyone.

It is good for you to realize your head is not a good place to be right now. Keep reminding yourself of that, and make as much time as you can for headless activities and restfullnesses… whatever you can do to speak comfort to your heart, to hug yourself, to turn off (however temporarily) the analysis.

Echoing hopes that your therapist will be a good solid fit for you, and if not that they will recognize it quickly and help you find someone better.

It’s odd, but this actually sounds like it’s going to bring some life back to you that you’ve been missing for a while. I’m not saying breaking up is wonderful, but that some of what you’ve written about it holds a lot of promise — lots of potential darkness, too, but some amazingly hopeful light.