ROSEN: Watch out for unrelenting negativity

Some people are so unrelentingly negative it is close to impossible to be in a relationship with them. Go out to dinner with another couple and Mr. or Ms. Negativity will have unsolicited comments about the hostess, waiter or other couple. Mention how nice and attentive the waiter might be and the retort will be, “Sure, they want a big tip.” Observe how the hostess is so cute, reminds you of your own daughter, and the muttered reply sounds like, “Yeah she can’t get a job for more than $9 an hour either.”

Every upbeat, positive or even pleasant comment is met with a “the glass is half empty” statement. If you say how nice it is to be out socially with the neighbors and how fit Mrs. So-and-So looks, then it’s fair game for, “Sure, if you had $15,000 for fake breasts you’d look fit too.” After a while it’s clear no good comment goes unpunished.

When I have a man or woman in counseling who has finally reached their limit, it’s not hard to understand their feelings of, “Where do I go from here?” We all have bad days, sure. There are times the most optimistic persons will become soured and think every driver intends to cut them off or all the traffic lights turn red because the world has it in for them.

Attempts to point out the negativity are met with condescension. Requests to not spoil the dinner by pointing out every flaw, real or imagined, are cause to be patronizing.

“Oh, little Miss Pollyanna. The world is so wonderful. That’s right, I get it. Let’s all get in a group hug, hold hands and sing ‘Kumbaya.’ Honestly, if I didn’t marry you you’d be fair game for every huckster at the bottom of the freeway off-ramp or with a bucket that says ‘spare change.’”

And it’s not just the men. Many women are quick to mock comments any politician might care or a lawyer could be honest. If a gentleman is looking your way, Ms. Naysayer will state, “Don’t flatter yourself, he just wants to seduce you.”

I’ve had women in my office note, when I validate what their husband is saying, “Don’t let it go to your head honey, he’s just a paid friend. You could be a serial killer and the counselor would say, ‘Well just be the best darn mass murderer you can be!’”

Often, it’s not until the partner of Mr. or Ms. Pessimism finally speaks up that the cadence of ridicule is slowed. Unfortunately, it is usually short-lived. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good idea to speak up – actually it’s a very good idea to say, “It’s hard to be around so much negativity. I love you but not the sarcasm that is always pointed at someone. I like to laugh as much as the next person but not all humor has to be at the expense of another.”

Even if your comment doesn’t register, it is healthier to speak up than give quiet, tacit approval.

Mitchell Rosen is a licensed therapist with practices in Corona and Temecula.

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