“This is the beginning of the rest of my life” was all I could think since I woke up this morning.

Thank you so much for every single day of this past year. For loving me at my best and at my worst. For showing me my potential even on days when I was too blind to see it. Thank you for taking your time to understand me and my madness, I’m still shocked by how you do it. Vele how do you do it so well? I’m here still trying to come to terms with life at the moment, I’m still trying to take all this in, but simply, thank you. For the journey ahead and whatever else it may come with.

Happy 365 days my Love, I’m looking forward to spending countless more days with you. Let’s just say I’ll spend them annoying you here and there, teasing you and whatnot, but most of all, I get to Love you in all ways I know how and for that I’m really grateful. Thank you for never getting tired of making me happy. Thank you for all that you are and more. I love you so much Zwelibanzi Khumalo

I cannot sit here and claim that I had a bad 2017, that I couldn’t wait for it to be over. I cannot sit here and claim that it was anything like 2016. If anything it was a far better year than I could’ve ever imagined. Of course it had its ups and downs, but what year doesn’t? I’m glad I experienced it the way that I did and that I grew. I grew to be the woman that I’ve always wanted to be.

I discovered the voice within me that had always been there but never came out. The voice that said No to being ill-treated by friends who felt entitled to me but never gave anything in return. The voice that said No when I didn’t want things done a certain way.

And I discovered my Yes as well. I said Yes to good health. I said Yes to bettering myself, to growing Spiritually and in all aspects that my life required and allowed me to. I said Yes to happiness. I even said Yes to gaining weight and I look so beautiful. Who would’ve thought, right? More than anything, I said Yes to Love and you know what, I have no regrets in anyway whatsoever.

It was also a year of lessons. And I learned that not everything broken can be fixed, that sometimes it’s okay to walk away from the table when Love is no longer served. That sometimes being selfish with who you are and your time can be the best thing you can do for yourself.
And I learned that not everyone new who comes into your is out to get you and has bad intentions with you. I learned that sometimes people are genuine in Love and in Action.

Going into 2018 I’m sure of one thing: it’s going to be a year of Birth and great opportunities. I come into this year armed with God and Love. Happy New Year🌻💛

I don’t know, I’m somewhere in between life. Neither happy nor sad. I’m not here or there. And I’m trying to remind myself how Mondays are for Affirmations and I’m trying to write these letters but nothing seems to suffice.
But I’m really grateful for Rain, Holy as ever. I almost feel as if all my sins will be washed clean tonight. I almost feel as if all this unexplainable, heavy feeling in my heart will be gone. But even if it doesn’t, I’m grateful for this moment. 💫

​I have no clear idea of what self love is, but I am searching deep within me to find it, to cultivate it even.
Something in me tells me that it is somewhere along the lines of loving myself even when I feel unlovable, that it is filling myself with so much love that I don’t need to rely on another to love me, instead to have so much love for the both of us in me.

I think it is me being selfish with my time. Time to heal, to grow and, be with me first before anyone else. It is allowing myself to exist in spaces where I can both be soft and vulnerable, knowing that there’s enough room for me to be strong.

It is shedding and making room for growth while leaving a small room for disappointment and heartbreak that may creep in from time to time. It is heeding advice and learning the ability to sieve through it in becoming a better woman tomorrow. It is me gathering all the parts of myself that I’ve given away so carelessly to another being, trying to love them, and at times loving them more than I could ever love myself.

I’m not sure what self love is but I think it is learning to say NO with conviction. Saying no to any negative energy in my life. No to friendships that do not benefit me in any way. Saying no to being half loved and being treated any less than I am. It is claiming and being the powerhouse I know myself to be.
I’m not sure what self love is, but I know I’ll get there one day.

I think of you more than I probably should
I’m still learning not to
It’s just hard when that’s how
My mind’s become wired over time
I can’t possibly do anything without
Wanting to share it with you.

I talk about you a lot
I talk to strangers about you
They can’t know anything about me
Without knowing of your existence
In a way I feel like you’re still here with me.

Oh but I have to admit even
That’s a bit hard at times
Because I told back an ocean of tears
From falling off my face
I try to keep it cool…
To keep a straight face
Or have a sheepish smile;
See,I do all sorts of stupid things
Otherwise I’ll crack even when I intend not to.

It’s hard being by myself lately
Because I’m always tempted to
Go back to my old ways.
The more I try not to
The more my body craves for it
But somehow you still manage to save me
Your voice echoes in this empty room
And pulls me back.

Even then I lose it
I cry myself to sleep in hopes of
Waking up with a less sore heart
I keep telling myself that none of this is true
That you’ll be here when I open my eyes
Funny, I know but
I need something to keep me together
I need anything to keep me from falling apart even more
But none of it helps;
All of this is useless because you’re gone
And no pain cuts deeper.

I want you to come home to me
I want that after a long day of doing nothing
When you feel sad, lonely or scared…
That I could be the one to comfort you
To tell you that everything will be okay.
I know how much you hate affectionate things and Love it is okay.
It is okay because if you were to come home to me and Kid
He’d show you more affection than I ever could
And as much as I’d want to be him, I’d understand
Because that’s what dogs are for, right?

I want to be the one you spend your days with
I want to be the one you share your thoughts with
I want to be the one on those days you feel like
This world is too big to live in
Or too small to even breathe
That in my arms you’ll find solace
That with me you’ll be at peace.

Look, I want to be your all
I want to be the one you share a laugh with
I want to be with you, even if it means doing nothing
Just being by your side, to feel your breath
To hear your heart beat
To randomly show you how much you mean to me
Because you mean more than words could ever describe

Look I know that not every day will be roses and petals
I know that on some days you’d want to be alone
And I know that there’ll be times when you feel like bursting
Into a million balls of fire
And Love, it would be a privilege for you to let it all out on me
Because not only do I want to be around for smooth sailing
But I also want to be there on your dark days
I want to be there through everything
I want to live every moment with you
Good and bad, I want to experience it all
And I want to experience it all with you.

Let’s not define things.
Let’s be nothing to each other.
Defining things will only complicate everything.
You don’t like attachments because let’s face
it, it never ends well, right?
And so do i
I hate not knowing how tomorrow might be
Hence I don’t have much hope for the future
Being in hope for anything scares the life out of me.

You know what I like and dislike and so do I about you.
I know your favorite color and ice cream flavor
I know you have a good ear for music.
I know you don’t really like to talk about how sad you are
But you’re ever ready to lend an ear when needed
See I know all there is to know
And honey, that is enough for me

I want to know how you slept last night
I want to know what you dreamt about
Even though you tend to forget at times
I want to be the first person
You want to tell how your day was to
And yes, we’ll still be Nothing to each other

See being Nothing with you
Doesn’t mean I care any less about you
In fact if anything, I care about you more than I probably should
And this too scares me
Because there’s a possibility that you don’t feel the same way as I do
But if you do, it’s fine
Just don’t tell me about it

Just be there when I need you and so will I
Call me in the middle of the night
When you’re short of sleep
And yes, as much as I love to sleep
I’ll listen to you regardless

See what I think is…
This way, nobody gets hurt in the process.
We’ll both be happy nothings to each other
Who are comfortable enough to share things with each other
That we wouldn’t share with anyone else.
So, are you game?
Will you be my Nothing?

Tell me the story of you.
The story of your deepest thoughts and saddest moments.
I want you to tell me what makes you cry so hard you feel like your life is being sucked out of you.
Tell me of the many times you’ve had your heart broken because of how genuine you love.

What keeps you up at night?
Do you stay up thinking about what went wrong in your life?
About missed opportunities and how you’d change certain things should you even for a second go back in time?
Or do you just love how comfortable darkness is?
How untouched and untainted it really is?
Do you love the stars and the moon?
Do you love how they totally transform your mood in a matter of seconds?
How they make you miss places you’ve never been to and people you’ve never met?
Or wait- do you actually hate them?
Do you think that they’re a waste of space in our galaxy?
That the sky is infact more beautiful when there’s only few of them shining?

Honey, I want you to tell me what makes you happy.
What makes you laugh so hard that your eyes tear up at how uncontrollable your laughter gets.
Do you run in the rain?
Do you love how it washes away all the pain and burdens you carry?
How it makes you feel like…a kid again?
Tell me about your favorite season and how it gives you hope for the future
Hope that all will be well, that all you have to be is a little more patient.

What’s your favorite song?
Does it mend your heart each time you listen to it?
Does it make you feel alive?
Does it make you feel… At home?

Lover, of all the things you could tell me
I need to know how much you love yourself
I need to know how beautiful you see yourself as
Because honestly, I’d hate to be the only one seeing the beauty that you are.