Uproar at BBC when early evening show goes out without Phil Tufnell appearing

The BBC has issued a formal apology to license fee payers after Monday's One Show went out without a feature by Phil Tufnell "We acknowledge the importance of Phil to perk every one up after a hard slog at work, and we sincerely apologise to the public for not including him in any show on Monday"

"I was surprised" said cheeky chappy Tufnell "but the piece I was doing on newts in West Ham was dull as shit"

From scientific measurements at the spire in Chesterfield "failed me fucking O Level maths so that gig was a shock" to eating anything placed on a plate in front of him "as long as there's no bloody salad" Tufnell has been an staple TV diet and treasured by the BBC management

After the mistake, the BBC offered up a banker's bonus in compensation to him. Tufnell, a little taken aback, gave a click-and-a-wink and disappeared with the cry "Happy days!"