November 6, 2017

Certain things are supposed to get better with age right? Wine, cheese, furniture etc. If this statement is true, then growing into my adult self would mean I’d get better at a plethora of things I couldn’t do as a child. So why is it when we turn to sex and sexuality as the topic of conversation, it’s almost as if you uttered Voldemort’s name out loud?

How come, two grown adults can’t have a conversation and share experiences without one feeling uncomfortable or offended?

Why are some women left feeling judged once she shares that time she stepped out of the box and enjoyed it?

This is the problem that has been plaguing me for years now. At 24, I’ve been moving through and uncovering where I stood in my own sexuality and I don’t feel any closer to an answer than I did years ago.

Once I’d gotten to my mid-teens, the subject of sex was less about something being taught in class and more about it unfolding right before our adolescent eyes. I realized that having an older sibling (a sister) would probably have been a big advantage growing up…instead I learned how to utilize my circle of girl friends. We’d share stories, bouncing theories and solutions off of one another as we were more or less all in the same boat at the same time, but as we matured, so did our stories.

Quickly, I discovered that your level of experience determined how much you would want to share…the closer you were to doing what was deemed “normal” and “regular”, the more you could share without looming judgement. For someone like me, that was enough to make me feel almost isolated amongst my peers, as I danced outside the box on a regular basis.

Naturally, when we sense someone doesn’t like the content of what we’re saying, we will most likely keep it to ourselves.

I explored and let my curiosity take me to places I’ll always remember and people I’ll never forget. However, anytime sex was the topic of conversation I found myself listening to the same old vanilla stories, watching the same wild-eyed reactions, as if no one knew there was more to it than missionary, so far behind my own experiences.

Sure, I could sprinkle a little spice into the conversation but that would only warrant contorted faces and compressed lips. Instead of a silent shaming, I’d settle with saving said escapade for a different group of people.

I asked fellow ladies about the challenges or frustrations they faced as experienced women wanting to share their journey with others, and here’s what they said:

“I find that a lot of women don’t really have a space to talk about their sexuality and not feel judged” – S

“I think what I find most challenging is not being able to feel confident in my sexuality or for having a healthy sex life. If I’m always being told “eww” to things that I enjoy or being labelled..it makes me feel like what I’m doing is wrong. I don’t really speak about sex with friends and I personally love sex so that’s a side of me I feel like I can’t share with many” – K
Speaking and listening to other women was how I realized this was a bigger issue that didn’t only effect me. There were so many unanswered questions that I could see they were waiting to ask the right person. This has set me on a path to want to help remedy the issue. Creating a safe, judgement-free space where women can parlait, share and find confidence in their sexuality.

-Janay

Janay is a guest contributor. Check out and follow her blog by clicking here.