So, how do you tell if you're throwing a successful party? Just take this quick and simple quiz to find out!

Festivity Level One.

Your guests are sitting around the table chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your ornaments and stand around the piano singing quietly.

Festivity Level Two

Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your ornaments and sitting on the piano singing "I Gotta Be Me."

Festivity Level Three

Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples' drinks, wolfing down the ornaments and dancing around the piano bellowing the words to "I Can't Get No Satisfaction".

Festivity Level Four

Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning table in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing. Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don't want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they don't arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn't you. Following is an example of how to successfully handle this situation.

[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]