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Friday, May 28, 2010

On the heels of their recent settlement, Disney has announced they will be making some changes to their themeparks in Orlando, FL and Anaheim, CA. The decision comes after a landmark case found that the company wasn't addressing the concerns of parents and children alike who complained about unclean bathrooms, long lines, and several 'accidents' in their pants causing fits of crying and temper tantrums. The parks, knowing full well what was going on, had been selling diapers in many of their gift shops at a price so marked up you'd wonder if you'd have to dip into your retirement to ensure your kid had dry pants. Adult diapers were even more staggeringly priced, a constant reminder that Grandma probably shouldn't have come with you on your family vacation that year. But familial obligations weren't an issue for park-goers. And once that group of outspoken families filed their suit, the park was quick to react.

One of their first decisions was to introduce a new a new 'land' to their parks. Starting July 4, families can head to the back of the park and enjoy Tinkletown, a family theme pee-pee friendly area of the park where incontinent adults and infants alike can pee their pants to their hearts delight without disrupting anyone else in the process. If you'll take note of the map above, Tinkletown has been marked off in yellow. Disney also has another portion of the park blocked off for construction as well, though their plans for that space (shown in the upper left hand corner) had yet to be announced by press time today. We can only imagine it's some sort of Willy-Wonka style chocolate themed part of the park. Only time will tell though, as the company still remains tight cheeked about their plans. Err, tight lipped. Tight lipped.

The area of the park promises to offer several rides that are potty-training related. While many consider this disgusting, "no one said they had to go there to begin with. You don't want to see a bunch of kids pissing in public? Don't come to Disneyland," said Ralph McGinney, Park Operations Manager. Ground has been broken on the main attraction of the area, the Tinkle Toilet, an over-sized toilet with enough room for 600 asses. While the toilet is there just for show, the company hopes it will serve as a metaphor for their changing image. Other installments include Whiz-kids, a laser tag themed pee-entertainment game where kids use their 'pee' shooter to take down their enemies. Parents will also enjoy The Leaky Faucet and Slippery's Saloon where families can enjoy a complimentary Wii, the puddle jumping room, and Husky's Snow Melt Snow Cones.

While many inside analysts see this as a financial disaster waiting to happen, the company remains optimistic about the potential for brand integration, already tapping Tinkerbell from the famous Peter Pan story as their spokes...fairy? While many seem confused by the first renderings available, Disney's in house advertising company stands by their work. "It's a tricky thing, depicting a fairy peeing as a way to honor the company. We felt a bit like we were doing those terrible Calvin and Hobbes stickers where one of them is peeing on a Ford or Chevy logo. I guess this is slightly classier." Slightly.

One thing is certain however, after seeing these sweeping changes firsthand: the big bad companies of yesteryear are making every effort they can to retain your business in this shrinkage economy. And with more and more Americans watching how they spend, strides like this can only lead to greater customer loyalty over time.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Apparently, while comedian Sacha Baron Cohen was on the West coast
promoting his film Borat in 2006, he had a chance meeting MF Doom.
Needless to say, the two got together with beats Cohen had made in
2005 with Khazak producer Kulki Boolchek.

Monday, May 24, 2010

In an attempt to explain a growing discussion among Americans, we present our first follow up ever, reexamining a piece from a few weeks ago that focused on the now-blurring social boundaries between animals and humans, the debate over which has been sparked by the new arm of the E-Harmony empire, E-Humany. Immediately after the piece was published, we received loads of feedback (and feedbags...you know, for the animals) that were both honest and polarizing. We've also gotten word of several instances where people are standing up against animals in a way only they know how. Since then, the debate over animal equality has hit it's boiling point leaving wondering what comes next.

For our purposes today, the preexisting debate in question is that animals are not legally allowed in any place where food is served yet owners continually ignore the rule bringing their pets inside anyway. Their rationale, for the most part, is that if a dog is small it seems to be above the law. But quite simply, it's a violation of health code and downright disgusting when you think about the potential for animal related dust or dander in your food. Or that little dog who just took a shit in line. Still, all across America, places like Starbucks consistently flip-flop on their stance regarding animal admittance. One reader in Brentwood, California wrote to us about a scene he witnessed at his local coffee shop last week. "I was standing there in line, and there's all these obnoxious women with their little white dogs everywhere- purses, laps, leashes tied around the table legs. Then all of the sudden this man with a large black lab walks in and the barista tells him he can't bring his dog inside. Oh, barista means coffee guy. But he looked around the store and pointed out several dogs to the barista that were there enjoying themselves. Again, barista means coffee guy. Then the guy behind the counter, the barista if you will, said something I will never forget. He said 'Your dog isn't like those dogs. He's different. There's a separate place for dogs like him. It's called Big Dog Coffee and it's just up the street. I'm happy to give you directions.' But the guy didn't want that coffee, he wanted Starbucks. Eventually the manager came over and had to escort him out. That's when the police got involved."

And like always, they LAPD didn't stop until they had him on the record. The suspect, Philip "Beagle" Winthrop, was questioned outside the establishment and everything seemed to be smoothed over shortly thereafter. But then, Winthrop's dog, Fartzilla, lunged towards the officer causing him to spill his double latte. Fartzilla was arrested and taken to a facility for big dogs. That day there were only 2 other dogs in-house: a large black Chow, and a gray Doberman. This was no coincidence.

"I called the only person I could think of," sand Winthrop. "I said, 'who's the Jesse Jackson for dogs?' Turns out, Jesse Jackson is the Jesse Jackson for dogs. And he had seen the police doing the same thing all over the country, from Birmingham, Alabama to Montgomery, Alabama- and everywhere in between, including Mobile. Only in the south, or in our case, the southland." Since then he has joined the cause for black-animal equality, dubbing it the 'civil ruff movement' despite incessant reminders that it's not just black animals that are the problem- it's the fact that animal-related regulations seem to change depending on what's convenient for the local authorities- and almost always in favor of the small dogs.

And yet, this isn't the first time their species has faced such adversity. In fact, just when things looked to be improving for dogs in the mid to late 70s, their timelessly popular spokesanimal, Snoopy, took it one step too far significantly shifting public opinion about their movement. Weeks later, dogs were back to being human pets. Servants, if you will. Slaves. The phrase "No Dogs Allowed" still haunts many dogs to this day, but none know it better than Snoopy Brown*.

"There's only so many times I can save Christmas or Easter or someone's life to then have them tell me I can't drink from the same water bowl. It shouldn't take that much work just to earn the respect of my peer group, much less a cold drink."

"But what about the many pundits who claim your peer group begins and ends with other dogs" we asked through our translator (otherwise our question would have sounded like nothing more than a few notes from a muted trombone)?

"30 years ago, man, maybe I could have seen why someone would think that," Snoopy said, after taking a long draw on his cigarette. "But look at the world today. Dogs wear people clothes man. They eat at the dinner table. They sleep indoors for Christ sake! Do you know how many winters I almost died because that fuck Charlie just left me out there? I joined the Christmas pageant because the theater was warm. That was my main motivation."

Snoopy isn't the only despondent activist today. Many who once championed the dog movement now sit on the brink of it's entire collapse. And while they've still got some fight in them, it's clear that specific cases like these will continue to pop up, even long after the laws are changed.

Should you or anyone you know be a dog, talk to them. Ask them why they want to be in a Starbucks to begin with. I think you'll find their answers much more intriguing than expected.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Or so claims our music columnist, Desi Arnaz, who is back again with another fat hit. Give this a listen and judge for yourself though. Personally I'll take the D-town/Philly scene any day over LA's hip hop scene, but that's not to say the city of angels is without it's merits. Plus we got angels, so bang on that one, haters!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Friday, May 14, 2010

It's May in TV-land and that can only mean one thing: pilot pick ups and series orders. While there hasn't been much in the way of news to this point yet, a slow trickle has officially begun with the recent axing of Law & Order, Heroes, and Flash Forward (my Flash Forward was seeing Flash Forward get canceled - an event that came to be! Spooky!). And as those of us who work in television wait to see which shows get a green light, two early announcements have just been made that may change the face of TV as we know it. Fuck it. It WILL change the face of TV as we know it.

First, from the creators of Dr. Oz comes Dr. Obv, a so-called "doctor" that shares completely obvious medical and health related knowledge without really adding any real insight to the discussion. With Dr. Oz slated to host, we can't help but wonder how this show will be any different than the already-daytime-hit. Pilot episode includes Dr. Obv talking about what arms and legs are and where they are located on the body. Pointing is demonstrated. Later, Dr. Obv sits down with no one for a Q&A about hearing, and why we can't choose not to do so. And I think you'll all agree that you wish you could have couldn't. Or something. The series co-creator, that obnoxious Bravo talk-show host guy, says they have a lot in store if the first 30 episodes go well. "The great thing about this show is that we don't even need to try. Everything is just so obvious. Like how I got a career, for instance, which is actually our second episode."

TBS also surprised many with the announcement of the multi-camera Queen Latifah vehicle "Yo, Mama!" about a retired rapper mom and her three rambunctious kids. While Lala had originally planned to stay away from television, she said TBS's new "urban allure" drew her back. One can hardly argue with her judgement. Between Ice Cube's newest incantation of his popular film franchise "Are We There Yet?," and Tyler Perry's veritable monopoly on the "no comedy-comedy" market, the time couldn't be better for the former "Living Single" to come back. Plus it would help TBS fill that last half hour between "Tyler Perry's: Meet The Browns," and George Lopez.

And she'll hardly be living single this time around. Latifah, who will play Jacky Jackety (her characters rapper alias) is set to co-star with a venerable cavalcade of "who's who" in today's black Hollywood. Bow-wow will play her eldest son, the silent leader of the family and stand-in for a father. Usher will play his little brother, T-bow. And T-bow Williams will be playing Terrell "Snips" Jackety, the youngest of the bunch. Though 14 years old, his character's hook is that he hasn't said a word since he saw a drive-by some 6 years back. That should be a fun one.

The pilot episode opens with JJ (for short) sitting down with LL Cool J for coffee. LL, as himself, reminisces about when LL and JJ ruled the streets of the lower east side...of Cleveland. As bland as watching a freshly painted fence post dry, the scene carries them back home where we meet JJ's kids. After each is introduced, and given time to "floss," she instructs them to do their homework. They promptly walk out the front door much to the studio audience's delight.

Though several other scenes were slated to be shot, no one on set could manage to get this group of super stars to put their egos aside and finish the episode. TBS has high hopes they get it done though. As does Conan O'Brien, who owns 80% of the network after his ball smashing new deal.*

While these two pick-ups stand out as obvious shows that deserve our attention this fall, one can't help but wonder who will win the big TV lottery next. Will it be the new Top Chef franchise, Top Chef: Bastards? A kitchen full of bastard chefs could really light things up. Perhaps it will be the new Fred Savage reality show Month-To-Month where Fred tries his luck one moth at a time in an apartment building that offers the first month free. While he be able to pick himself back up and get his career back? Or will A&E once again deny us the right to see a former star completely deteriorate on TV and do absolutely nothing to stop it? It's all up in the air for now!

Monday, May 03, 2010

Ten years ago e-dating was a laughable concept for the cripplingly depressed. Pedophiles, grannies, trannies, uggos, and fatties; it was desolation row for those that had been chewed up and spit out the back end of the dating world. There was no way to ensure that what you saw was what you got and there was a plethora of things that could go disastrously wrong. Then Gregory Waldorf, now-CEO of E-Harmony, came along and legitimized the entire enterprise eliminating many of the threats, verifying membership info through a secure background check program, and charging users a monthly membership fee. Today, E-Harmony has grown to over twenty million uses, and that's merely a fraction of the hundreds of millions of users who flood the internet each day searching for "the one."

Though online dating is the norm today, many inside the industry agree that the concept is at it's financial peak and can only go down from here, much like many of the women on E-Harmony. Ever the pioneer, Greg Waldorf felt otherwise. We sat down for an exclusive interview with him so he could explain further. "I woke up one day and I thought- monkeys and dolphins can use computers...why can't they meet other monkeys and dolphins online just like we do? And why can't we make money off it? It doesn't have to stop there, either. (ed note: Though, physiologically, it pretty much does.) Anything can meet anything on line. Dogs meeting birds. Toasters meeting rocks. So that's what brought me here today, to share a new concept E-Harmony is announcing that will revolutionize the world on online dating."

Waldorf isn't alone in this idea either. Well, the toasters and rocks are pretty out there, but the animal part, which is the part we meant, seems to be picking up some steam. In fact, as we report this today, several other online dating behemoths are in the beta stages of testing similar concepts. The problem thus far though hasn't been financial support for development, but rather the lack of any positive results to date. Since 2009 when the idea was first kicked around, E-harmony alone had plugged 25 million dollars into the idea, with little to show for it. And while many other online dating sites have already gone public with their version of the same thing, E-Harmony invented it and waited until they got it right to go public.

"Today marks a historic day in the world of online dating. We at E-Harmony would like to announce the debut of our newest online dating franchise," Waldorf said in a statement earlier. "We call it E-Humany, and we trust you'll agree it's the most humany of all the animal online date sites. Our intention is to give animals the same chance we have as humans to find lasting and meaningful love."

Still, one can't help but wonder. It took E-Harmony ten years to reach the level that made online dating commonplace. Who's to say animals, and more specifically mammals, aren't the next in line? After all, as soon as most of them grow thumbs, the internet will become all but second nature. Still, considering "humany" is hardly a word, and evolutionary progress like that is thousands of years away, many investors are raising their eyebrows at the decision.

Jack McJackery, 40 percent shareholder, is among them. "We had a simple mission statement when we created E-Harmony: computers matching single losers so their life would have meaning. Then when we thought there was no new ground to be forged, we hired Greg who us promised new and innovative ideas for the future. ... But I don't think any of us saw this coming. And certainly not on a Monday! Harumph."

Seeking a different perspective, we consulted ardent zoologist and tea cup collector Tyler Cannty for his opinion on the new world order. Cannty has worked at the San Diego zoo, essentially as a pimp, for the past 10 years. His accomplishments include successfully mating a bird and a fish, and lending certifiable credence to the popular South Park episode where the shows creators claimed "pig and elephant DNA just won't splice," and video documenting the first case of beluga whale fellatio. But despite the myriad of other accomplishments in his long and decorated career with animals, he cites today as being the most important for their future.

"Now a horse can walk into a bar and not be a punchline to some bad joke anymore. Unless he says 'Nay.' But we as people have now openly acknowledged animals' desires to explore the limits of their sexuality, and now they can do just that in an open and safe environment."

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST?

Still, some questions can't help be raised about the potential fall out of this social experiment. Because while many Americans in more liberal densely-populated sectors seem open to this new integration, it's conservatives in the fly over states that ultimately control public opinion and thus moral outcome. And the fears there are growing with each day. Most notably, the chance for the genus to become homogeneous over the course of evolution (ahem, assuming evolution is real, thank you!) in the coming tens of thousands of years.

In other words, will humans begin to desire, date and eventually mate with animals? Not any time soon, according to right wing "sane-ys" (their term, not mine).

"Beastiality is still illegal," Betsy Popollup of Lansing, MI stated. "And for the rest of the time I am on this planet, it better stay that way."

Or else?

"What do you mean 'or else?' Or else people will be having sex with animals, which is both immoral and disgusting."

Her husband, a walrus of a man, seemed unphased by this backhanded insult.

"That could be true, perhaps," Zoologist Cannty commented when hearing the previous soundbite. "Though she's neglecting to realize the positive impact it could have on the minotaur population, which has been decimated if not completely extinct for more than 5,000 years. So there's that too. It all comes full circle."

And while both arguments seem completely insane to us here at Great Scott!, E-Harmony seems to be moving forward with little doubt in mind. "We're excited about the future here. I'm also hoping to find a mate for my cat Fittlesbee K. Einsenplott. So far though, not that much good pussy online."

I don't like the news, so I write my own.
Everything you read here is satire. None of it is real. Or is it? You decide. All music is for sampling purposes only. Got a question, comment, or both? Send it along to:
scott.towler@yahoo.com