My Favorite Christmas Joke (Rude)

Here's a little joke I've told over quite a few Christmas's. It's rude so be warned.

There aren't many new jokes in the world and this certainly isn't one of them but it can get a good laugh if the punchline is delivered correctly.

* * * *So the dust bin (garbage) man was going around all the houses collecting his Christmas pressies.

He called to this attractive housewive's house and there she was, all done up in frilly under-garments and seductive spices.

She invited the bemused bin man into her living room and, without further ado, made mad passionate lurve to him right there on the living room floor.

When they were finished, and he was getting ready to go, she handed him a five euro note.

The bin man became quite emotional.

"I have to tell you", he said, "this is the best Christmas present I've ever been given."

"You can thank my husband for that," said the lady. "When he was going to work this morning, I asked him should I give the bin man a tenner for Christmas and he said...

... No, f**k him, give him five."

* * * *

Writing that reminds me of another favorite joke-for-telling which isn't Christmas-related but which does involve the garbage bin again. Both these jokes are infinitely better in the verbal tradition rather than written down so, if you've not falling about laughing, try telling them to yourself as you might tell it to somebody else and you may see the potential for smiles.

Oh - language differences - you need to know what a Wheelie Bin is. It's a fairly descriptive term anyway. Wikipedia says that Americans call it a "mobile garbage bin" or 'MGB' (that's so gonna spoil my joke) and you dear dear Canadian-folk tend to call it a 'Green Bin'.

It's a bin-with-wheels, jees!

Without further ado, here's number two, the 'Wheelie Bin Joke. I'm always grateful to my dear Sister-in-Law, Carrie, for telling me this one:

* * * *

So the waste-collection-company hired a man who had recently arrived from China. His job was to ensure that everybody put their Wheelie Bins outside their house at the correct time each week.

He took his job very seriously and was known to be quite belligerent with people who failed to get their bins out on time. The fact that he was still learning the language didn't always help

One collection-day, he came to a house with no bin outside. He knocked loudly on the door and a man came out. The man was wearing only shorts and was very very sunburned.

The first one is an oldie but goodie and I've heard it before. I think it even made the email rounds not too long ago, but still worth a laugh.

the wheelie bin joke....not bad, not bad, but again you're right, it would lose something in translation.

As for jokes, here's one of my all-time favorites:

As you may know, there are a lot of Californians moving to Idaho these days. Unlike Idaho with its four seasons, California only has two: hot and hot as hell. The following excerpts are from letters from someone who recently moved to McCall, Idaho._________________November 1, 1992

Dear Jim and Mary:

It started to snow this evening about 5:00 p.m. -- our first of the season. The wife and I took our cocktails and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down. They say that no two snowflakes are the same! It was beautiful.

We woke to a big wonderful blanket of crystal white snow covering our yard and as far as the eye could see. I shoveled snow for the first time in over 30 years -- and loved it! Did both the driveway and sidewalk. Of course two minutes after I finished, the snowplow came by and covered it all up again with the compacted snow from the street. Oh well, ha ha, I took it in stride and shoveled it all again.

Your friend,

Tom_______________________November 10, 1992

Dear Jim and Mary:

Got another 8 inches of snow last night and the temperature dropped to 20 below zero. Shoveled the driveway so I could get the car out but before I could open the garage door, the snowplow did his thing again. Worked out for the best because the car wouldn't start anyway. Fixed myself a drink and laughed it off.

Regards,

Tom_______________________

Noverber 27, 1992Dear Jim and Mary:

Sold the car and bought a 4 wheel drive truck. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway getting into it. All that was hurt was my feelings. Still cold (below zero every morning) and the icy roads make for tough driving. I did however make it to the liquor store and bought enough booze to last the winter. That asshole in the snowplow came by while I was gone and covered the driveway again.

Tom_________________

December 5, 1992Dear Jim and Mary:

Happy "fucking" Holiday from Idaho. We're assured a white Christmas this year because 6 more inches of the "white stuff" fell today. Forget that crap about snow flakes all looking different, you've seen one, you've seen them all!! Anyway, I took a couple of stiff belts out of the whiskey bottle and suited up to shovel the driveway. You should see it, boots, jump suit, heavy jacket, scarf, ear muffs, gloves, etc. Got in one shovel full and had to piss like a Russian race horse. Figured I'd risk blowing a kidney and finish the job. When I did, I ran for the house and just made it to the toilet. While I was standing relieving myself, I heard a now familiar sound. Yes, that cocksucker in the snowplow did it again. The only reason I needed to get out was that the liquor cabinet was empty, again! I think the wife has been sipping behind my back!! Selfish bitch!

T.____________________

December 30, 1992

Dear Jim and Mary:

If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that snowplow, I'll drag his bare ass through the white shit from here to the city limits. The temperature stays at zero or below all day. If this keeps up I'll be fucking with this white shit 'til August. Got to get to the liquor store before it closes. I caught the wife dead off her ass drunk on the bathroom floor yesterday. At least now I know where the booze is going.

Me_____________

January 5, 8, or 10, 1993

Dear Tim and Cary:

7 more inches. If it wasn't for going to the liquor store, I'd never get out. Must be cabin fever or I'm going snowblind from that white shit all over my yard, but even that drunken slut I married is starting to look good. Doesn't matter, it's so cold I have to tie a string and tag on my dick just to find it ever morning.

You Know Who______________

Febiary, whatever, whenever...............

Deer jimmers, jimmers, J & M:

Toilet froze. IF you go outside, don't eat the brown snow ha ha! Neighbor came by and told me I better get some of that shit off my roof or it might cave in. Fuck it and the snowplow. Liquor store has started making deliveries to the front door. I ain't going out till this shit melts all the way a way.

me____________

March 29, 1993Boise Mental Hospital

Dear Jim and Mary:

Thank you for taking in my darling wife. My lawyer says I should be out in a year or two. All this could have been avoided if the snowplow driver hadn't come by asking for a donation for some charity. His doctor testified at my trial that there was no permanent damage to his rectum from my assault with the snow shovel handle. It was wrong, I know that now. The arson charge too, could have been avoided, but when that neighbor told me about the snow on my roof, well I figured the fire would melt that white.........

I really feel bad about the guy who owns the liquor store. Ever since we left the neighborhood, the bank foreclosed on his new house and the Cadillac dealer repossessed his new car. Even thekid who used to deliver for him quit, claimed he wasn't making that $1,500 a week like when we lived there.

I'm guessing that the Heimlich Maneuver for choking is universal. If not, this is going to be so not funny. :) And I have no idea what a "redneck" would translate into for some of you, but think uneducated simpleton and you're close.

A redneck was sitting in an expensive restaurant, eating dinner. He'd received a gift card for the restaurant, which was the only way he would've ever been able to afford such am extravagant dinner.

As he was eating his expensive meal, the Redneck looked around at all the fancy rich people. All of a sudden, the couple next to him started making noise. As the Redneck watched, the fat man at the next table began to choke, pounding the table with his fist. His wife looked on, terrified but unmoving. The Redneck continued watching as the fat man beat on the table and began to turn blue.

Realizing that no one else was going to help, the Redneck calmly laid down his fork and approached the man. With lightning fast reflexes, the Redneck pulled down the fat man's pants and licked across the choking man's butt. The piece of steak lodged in the fat man's throat went shooting across the room.

The fat man,finally able to breathe, looked at the Redneck and began to thank him profusely as people applauded.

Embarrassed by all the attention, the Redneck replied,"Tweren't nothing. Besides, I've always wanted to try that Hind Lick maneuver to see if it works."

Day 1 Dear Emile, Thanks for da bird in the Pear tree. I fixed it las night with dirty rice an it was delicious. I doan tink the Pear tree would grow in de swamp, so I swapped it for a Satsuma.

Day 2Dear Emile, Your letter said you sent 2 turtle dove, but all I got was 2 scrawny pigeon. Anyway, I mixed them with andouille and made some gumbo out of dem.

Day 3Dear Emile, Why doan you sen me some crawfish? I’m tired of eating dem darned bird. I gave two of those prissy French chicken to Mrs. Fontenot over at Grand Chenier, and fed the tird one to my dog, Phideaux. Mrs. Fontenot needed some sparring partners for her fighting rooster.

Day 4 Dear Emile, Mon Dieux! I tole you no more of dem bird. Deez four, what you call “calling bird” wuz so noisy you could hear dem all da’ way to Lafayette. I used they necks for my crab traps, and fed the rest of dem to the gators.

Day 5 Dear Emile, You finally sent something useful. I liked dem golden rings, me. I hocked dem at da’ pawn shop in Sulphur and got enough money to fix the shaft on my shrimp boat, and to buy a round for da boys at the Raisin’ Cane Lounge.Merci Beaucoup!

Day 6 Dear Emile, Couchon! Back to da birds, you coonass turkey! Poor egg sucking Phideaux is scared to death ah dem six goose. He try to eat they eggs and they pecked the heck out ah his snout. Dem goose are damm good at eating cockroach around da’ house, though. I may stuff one ah dem goose with erster dressing to serve him on Christmas Day.

Day 7 Dear Emile, I’m gonna wring your fool neck next time I see you. Ole Boudreaux, da mailman, is ready to kill you, too. The crap from all dem bird is stinkin up his mailboat. He afraid someone will slip on dat stuff and gonna sue him. I let dem seven swan loose to swim on da bayou and some stupid duck hunter from Mississippi done blasted dem out da water. Talk to you tomorrow.

Day 8 Dear Emile, Poor ole Boudreaux had to make 3 trips on his mailboat to deliver dem 8 maids-a-milking & der cows. One of dem cows got spooked by da alligators and almost tipped over da boat. I doan like dem shiftless maids, me. I told dem to get to work gutting fish and sweeping my shack–but dey say it wasn’t in their contract. They probably tink they too good to skin all dem nutria I caught las night.

Day 9 Dear Emile, What you trying to do? Boudreaux had to borrow da Cameron Ferry to carry these jumping twits you call lords-a-leaping across da bayou. As soon as dey got here dey wanted a tea break and crumpets. I doan know what dat means but I says, “Well la di da. You get Chicory coffee or nuthin.” Mon Dieux, Emile, what I’m gonna feed all these bozos? They too snooty for fried nutria, and da cow ate up all my turnip green.

Day 10 Dear Emile, You got to be out of you mind. If da mailman don’t kill you, I will. Today he deliver 10 half nekkid floozies from Bourbon Street. Dey said they be ladies dancing but they doan act like ladies in front of dem Limey sailing boys. Dey almost left after one of them got bit by a water moccasin over by my out-house. I had to butcher 2 cows to feed toute le monde and get toilet paper rolls. The Sears catalog wasn’t good enough for dem hoity toity lords. Talk at you tomorrow.

Day 11 Dear Emile, Where Y’at? Cherio and pip pip. You 11 Pipers Piping arrived today from the House of Blues, second lining as dey got off da boat. We fixed stuffed goose and beef jambalaya, finished da whiskey, and we’re having a fais-do-do. Da new mailman drank a bottle of Jack Daniel, and he’s having a good old time dancing with the floozies. Da old mailman done jump off the Moss Bluff Bridge yesterday, screaming you name. If you happen to get a mysterious-looking, ticking package in da mail, don’t open it.

Day 12 Dear Emile, Me I’m sorry to tell you–but I am not your true love anymore. After the fais-do-do, I spent da night with Jacque, the head piper. We decide to open a restaurant and gentlemen’s club on the bayou. The floozies–pardon me–ladies dancing can make $20 for a table dance, and the lords can be the waiters and valet park da boats. Since da maids have no more cows to milk, I trained dem to set my crab traps, watch my trotlines, and run my shrimping business. We’ll probably gross a million dollars next year.

Sign in Schwarzwald, Germany: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forrest camping site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for this purpose"

Hotel in London: "All fire extinguishers must be examined at least five days before any fire"

Business letter when "Götabanken" changed its name to "Gota Bank": "Dear friends, we are the same guys as before, although we have lost our pricks."

Norwegian Prime Minister after a service in Brasil: "Thank you for the mess"

Newly appointed Danish minister: "I am in the beginning of my period"

Sign outside a Spanish travel agency: "Go away"

Female Norwegian football player: "I tried to screw the ball in the goal"

French-Canadian politician: "I thank you for giving my wife and me the clap. I thank you from the heart of my bottom."

A Norwegian got into a London taxi. He was short on cash, and asked: «Do you take VISA? I'm black, you see.» (norw. "blakk"= out of money). When he realized the black driver, he desperately tried to save the day: "You see, in Norway we call poor people black."

Another Norwegian got into a London Taxi on the right-hand side. Astonished at finding the driver inside, he commented: "Excuse me, but in my country the rat is on the other side." (norw. "ratt"= Steering wheel).

A Scandinavian au pair in the USA: The father in the house: "Do you want to use the rest room before we drive cross State?" Au pair: "No, I can do it in the car."

Sorry I don't have a Xmas joke. I can only remember two jokes one of which I allude to in Living with the Truth and the other one is set in the same classroom which is why I guess I can remember it. I have no idea why I can't remember jokes.

'Me' Stuff

54 Years Old.
Loves to write.
Has had writing produced for radio, theatre, and film... some short stories published (and broadcast) and a laundry list which was highly commended by 'Whiter than White' in Castle Street.
'My Writing Resume'