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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

QG for Mom of Congress

If you're like me, you can't stand listening to any more namecalling, fingerpointing, lying and general demagogery from Congresspersons of both political parties on the subjects of illegal immigration, the war in Iraq, and rising gas prices. They're acting like spoiled brats. Then it came to me: Congress needs a MOM! So I decided to run for the position.

If elected as Mom of Congress, I pledge to:

--take away their press conference and microphone privileges until they can prove they have actually read, studied and understood all aspects of these issues,

--send them to their rooms without supper until they apologize for grandstanding and misleading the public,

--remove the blackberries, cellphones and laptops from their sweaty little hands until they promise not to communicate in sound bites,

-- ground them from lunches, dinners, golf games and "fact-finding trips" with lobbyists from industry and special interest groups of all types--and needless to say, there will be nosleepovers,

--ban C-Span from televising Congressional 24/7 until Congresspeople learn to set a good example for the other children,

--make them talk to voters in "fly-over" country and write a report about what average Americans think as opposed to what the New York/Washington media says they think,

--not permit them to watch the "talking heads" on NBC, CNBC, MSNBC, CBS, PBS, ABC or Fox News OR to read the talking points memos faxed to their offices by the RNC or the DNC,

--write 100 times on the blackboard "It's not aboutME". No, wait, make that 500 times.

In the event the above tried-and-true remedies don't work, then I promise to show up at their next Congressional session in my most embarrasing MOM outfit. The one Portia and Babs hated the most. YES! The bright pink and orange, rick-rack covered tiered Fiesta Dress with matching painted wooden earrings in the shape of a fruit basket. I know, I know--it's harsh, but sometimes a Mom has to practice Tough Love.

After I've whipped Congress into shape, then maybe I'll try running for Mom of the PCUSA.

QG for mom of Congress _and_ moderator of the PCUSA!!!! After all, moms are the masters of multitasking, right? Whereas I, a single guy, have a hard time walking the dog and chewing gum at the same time.

Yes, yes, yes. As someone who is a Federal lobbyist, I see the bad behavior up close and personal on a regular basis. It has gotten worse and worse over the past several years (I thought it was bad when I was a staffer, but this is an exponential progression of bad behavior). They definitely need the parental glare (among other things). They also need to have their allowances taken away...