8. BloodRayne (2005)

What we were hoping for: A busty vampiric harlot dicing up black-magic Nazis with impossibly deadly, extendable wrist-blades before gorging herself on their still-pulsing remains.

What we got: German director Uwe Boll has based a career on turning games into shambling film fodder. Reportedly, he even buys the licenses of said games before they’ve even been released. Points to him for getting the "busty vampiric harlot" bit right, in the form of Kristanna Loken here. Her frenzied, suspiciously genuine-looking sex scene with Matthew Davis is the only reason to wade through this middling medieval mess. What was Ben Kingsley thinking?