Sunday, January 1, 2012

There are traits one wants to possess for himself but that feel out of reach and unattainable, forbidden fruit not worthy of my weakness. But still the longing is there. We want and we see a glimmer of what goodness we might offer ourselves and others if we but possessed these traits. But how easy it is to do little or nothing to get these traits. Easier to long and tell the painter who bloodies his mind and fingertips from the grief of trying that "I envy you," that "I wasn't born with your gift." "I can't even draw a stick figure." But in this accusation one belittles the painter's labor and mocks his interpretation of God's "gift" to him. It is treasured by him merely because he has loved it, nurtured, tended, been it's steady provider, woke up in the nights allowing it to sputter and hum, putting it's unsettling motifs to bed each night. The treasure was not neglected for personal reasons but for a parallel in stewardship the way a mother cares for her child. Not duty or glory bound just because it is what you do to a helpless treasure who can do nothing for itself. Precocious Maddy Ross in "True Grit" found a season of necessity to seize a trait she needed. It became more than a want. A necessity for her to surround herself with those she deemed having "true grit" and found the elixir for herself in the process. How telling and insightful to witness one's journey lacking what was necessary to her and witnessing her leverage her way into learning how ugly and beautiful grit can be. Discipline is what I seek. It is a trait that in times I have felt confident described me but for many moons this element like the tide that comes and goes has been absent. Today I crave it because I have need as an exemplar to my daughter. My kin needs a strong arm to lift her and help her learn to define her own qualities. Upon entering this world she ached and scratched at all those who wanted to help her. A deafening desire for independence is innate in her strong spirit. I see myself in her. My father said he knew of me instantly "Come hell or high water" I was bound and determined. Oh but woe, to channel that energy, to harness the tides is my yearning this year. To do so I realize she cannot be told what needs to be done. I must lead by example. And thus my gollums of comfort-consuming way to much sugar primarily packaged in the form of chocolate and sitting upon my laurels thanking my mighty start my metabolism is high are the basis' of needed change. I aim to curb my appetites and to exercise my body. And I hope in the process an unveiling will occur that I find my little girl and empower her to be a little woman.