Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Our ward had its Halloween party on Friday at a roller rink, and I now know that roller skating scares me to death. I'm only moderately competent when it comes to skating - I have no control over my speed and direction, and this is a problem when the rink is crowded and when the people in front of you fall over. I screamed out of fear a number of times all while being dressed like Pippi and while enjoying a cookie. I also know now not to eat while I skate - all multi tasking is bad if skating is involved.

Saturday was Sunshine's party and I was the ham from "To Kill a Mockingbird" which was fun, except that I couldn't feed myself and had to have people put food in my eye hole, which for some reason people found funny. Also I won a beautiful trophy that I plan on keeping always, and in my future home it will be prominently displayed on my mantle in the place of honor, with a big light on it to outshine all my other awards. People will come to visit and see my Oscars and Pulitzers, but then, what's this? You won best costume in 2006?! Oh, I relish seeing their jealous faces when they catch a glimpse of my beautiful trophy, and then they'll ask how I came to be so wonderful and I'll be at a loss to explain it because let's face it, people like me just are, we're born this fabulous; not that there's that many of us, only 7 in the U.S. and Canada. It's sad really. Okay, I'm done now. On to a dozen things that scare me and that make me happy, six of each.

Things I 'm afraid of:

(1) Having a horse fall on me when I'm riding it, like what happened to John Wayne in "True Grit". This is completely irrational because I don't ride horses, but I just imagine that it would be awful to have one fall on you, crippling your legs.(2) Pregnant people scare me. It's gross and not normal and gross, and did I mention gross? I pretty much can't deal with sick girl stuff like that.(3) Becoming ill scares me - getting a disease that will kill me like cancer or something.(4) Getting stuff in my eyes terrifies me - opening my eyes under water, but mostly having maggots and bugs fall into my eyes from a light cover. You might think it's not very likely, but it kind of is at my work(5)Getting in an accident at work. Sometimes I'll be pulling a cart of tables and think how awful it would be if it ran me over and broke my legs, or if I were to slip while carrying something heavy. Slipping on wet things is another huge fear of mine.(6)Wrists scare me. I can't look at peoples' wrists or veins -it makes me sick and grossed out and I have a history of fainting/puking in health-class-type situations.

Things that make me happy:

(1) Listening to records. Having something huge and black and tangible like a record makes me happy. In a way it's more real to me than listening to music any other way. I miss my record player.(2)Sleeping. I take a mid-morning nap every day for almost an hour after my morning shower and before I get ready for the day.(3)Reading the same books and watching the same movies over and over again. There's something wonderful about the familiarity of it. I like reading the sentence that starts on the end of one page and knowing how it's going to end before I turn to the next; kind of like how people who have lived together for awhile can finish each others sentences .(4)Hanging out with friends makes me happy. Being relaxed and goofy and loud and spastic all at once and it's okay because you're with people who don't care that you're a weirdo.(5) Old houses. The architecture, the craftsmanship! They don't make them like they used to. You can't drag me away. I find houses and I want them more than anything else; want to know them inside and out, want to own them all, collect them like stamps.(6) French makes me happy. It also scares the crap out of me. Speaking it in front of people makes me nervous, but saying phrases to myself amuses me. Je veux manger une tigre, mais je ne peux jamais, parce qu' ils sont tres vites. = I want to eat a tiger, but I never can because they are very fast. You get the idea. Every Sunday I call my sister H and we talk in French and she catches me up on the gossip from back home, how A and M are practically dating each other and how our high school trounced Sunset at their homecoming, etc. Conversations make me happy.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I feel like death today; it was definitely an "I never want to leave my bed ever again" kind of morning. Yesterday I was on campus for eleven hours and I had to skip work to finish an essay I didn't want to write for my creative writing class, and all I got to eat was some tater tots, and the tots were crunchy and delicious but the essay was crap but I had to turn it in anyway, and the worst part is that you have to give a copy to everyone to workshop and when I go back next week it will be torture. Last night when I got home M-Lite was bored so we sat around and read all these essays-I was only going to read her one particularly funny one at first, but we ended up reading most of them, until our roommates were going to Wal-mart and asked if we wanted to go so we did even though we didn't need anything from there. Note to self: never go shopping with my roommates ever again.

They had a whole list of stuff they were looking for so we split up and agreed to meet back in the entrance at 12, which was 45 minutes away. We wandered and I ended up buying Apollo 13 and a York peppermint patty because it had been a couple years since my last one, and just now I'm remembering that in high school I started the anti-patty club because of my friend Patty, and our motto was "We hate all patties except those of a meat or peppermint nature" and we had plans to screen t-shirts saying as much. Anyway, M-Lite and I were done around 12 and sat waiting in the literally freezing lobby area for another half hour before our roommates showed up.

I believe in efficient shopping. Grocery shopping should take 20-30 minutes, and Christmas shopping should be avoided entirely. I cannot shop for more than an hour unless it is someplace like a thrift store where they have cool junk and old books to look at. After an hour in a real store I start to become extremely fatigued, so needless to say I was kind of annoyed that they were taking so much longer than planned, and I was even more annoyed when it turned out that they had gotten distracted smelling deodorants. Who does that? Anyway, I said to M-Lite while we were waiting for them that we should remember to not shop with them in the future, and she said that all people are like that, and I realized that she's right -no one that I know has our same shopping standards - few people could meet the requirements to be our shopping buddy.

One time M-Lite said she felt bad because we didn't really need anybody else as a roommate because we got along so well, and at the time I agreed, and I believe that it's true of me, but I don't know that it's necessarily as true for her. She needs people more than I do I think - needs social interaction from time to time because she's normal, and I know for a fact that I can be quite annoying with a capital A. Then again I don't think she'd want to live with those people and have to deal with them all the time because she gets annoyed easily and can't be as open about it with them as she can with me because we're related. Oh well, I now own Apollo 13 and I'm happy, except that last night all of my dreams took place in Wal-mart and a lady who worked there was work-shopping my essay and had it projected up on a huge screen for all to see and I think it was one of the worst dreams I've ever had. The end times 12.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

At the end of last year I couldn't decide if I wanted to stay at school or go home for the summer. I had planned to go home and work, but I felt that I needed to stay for some reason. Mainly I hate change, hate moving around when I feel I shouldn't have to, and while going home would have been returning to normalcy and comfort, I had developed ties here that I didn't want to lose. This is ridiculous of course; a lot of people go home for the summer and see no one that they know from school and are fine. This is especially true after one's freshman year, when you are expected to return home, but once I settle somewhere I hate to move, hate to change, lest what I've been building should shatter and be no more. Also, I already had a job here and didn't want to find one in Portland. All of this turned out to be terrible reasoning on my part.

Everyone I had stayed for would eventually leave, and I would have had my choice of two terrifically well-paying jobs had I gone home, where I would have had virtually no expenses and therefore saved a ton of money, all while getting to see my family. I did visit home once school got out. M-Lite and I went home in May for a week. I wanted to stay for two, but there was a scheduling conflict. Once I was home I realized that I was crazy for not returning and never wanted to leave again, but the damage had already been done. I'm one of those people who's scared to change their mind. Anyway, my sister H was kind of mad at me for deciding to stay here vs. returning home, and I agree that I would have had a cool summer in Portland. So our last morning at home we're in the driveway getting ready to leave, and H comes out to her car to drive to school and gives me a frown because I'm leaving when we both know that I should stay, and I call out after her "Goodbye Forever" and she says that she hates me and I laugh and she drives away.

That's how the phrase got started, because joking is the only way I can cope with awful truths. Not that I haven't seen my family since then, or don't plan on going home every chance I get, but behind the phrase there's the lurking suspicion that it might be true on some level. Two of my sisters are married, one of them is on the east coast, and there's a good chance that I won't see her for a couple of years. How do people live like this? How and why do we move away and set up separate lives? I live with M-Lite right now, which is awesome, because we're sisters and we've always gotten along pretty well, but one day she'll get married, and we'll split up our belongings - I'll take the movies and she'll take the appliances - and I can't help but feel that it'll be something akin to divorce.

There's no substitute for getting to be with your family. And now I'm sad for having written this, but I can't help but feel that while I'm away at school I'm missing out on something better, and I know that it's perceived as foolish to try and go back, that you have to stop living in the past at some point, but I miss home. I am homesick. Christmas will probably kill me, to be home for just two weeks before having to leave, and it's all part of the larger realization that my home will never be my home again, that it hasn't been my home since I left, that no matter how long I go back for -two weeks at christmas or all of summer break - I'm still just visiting and will have to say goodbye.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Yesterday I brought up the play "The Fantastiks" when talking to M-Lite. I saw it only once, when I was around eight years old. I remember 12 words of one of the songs, one line ("This plum is too ripe"), and the basic idea behind the plot. I remember next to nothing about it, but I like this play. The premise was that there were two neighbors who hated each other so they built up a wall to separate their yards, and they refused to let their children be friends. This of course led to the two of their children falling madly in love because their fathers hated each other and it was forbidden. Then it comes out that the fathers are really best friends and they built the wall and pretended to hate each other preciseley so that their children would fall in love. Now everything is hunky-dorey and they can stop pretending that they're enemies so they tear down the wall, but then everything goes sour. I don't remember much beyond that but I liked the fathers in the play because of their scheming and old-manish ways. They decided that the reason it all ended badly was because pretending to hate each other was half the fun; waiting until their kids were out to sneak over to the other's house for a secret game of cards, etc.

My conflict is this, and I know this is a somewhat inane statement, but I like for friendships to be fun. I don't like having to work for it, put up with drama, etc. I want people who like me as much as I like them. However, although I do like it when people confide in me, I never confide in other people, so they in turn don't confide in me, and it's a vicious cycle in which the friendship never progresses because I'm too emotionally guarded. I'm pretty sure that makes me a bad friend. I can also be friends with someone I don't like, which probably makes me insincere. I can be there for them and listen to their concerns and give them advice and not even really like them. I'm willing to do that when I have to, but I'd prefer not to. I want people who are low maintenance like I am, who like to laugh, and if they have any major problems, I don't know about it. But at the same time I think this says something that I'm not capable of deep relationships, and that I care about people only to a certain extent. Basically I feel both ways and have yet to find a good balance.

One of my sisters, M, and I once talked about what would happen if someone in our family were to die, and we both decided that our family would pretty much fall apart because we have no way to cope with something so terrible. Our mom wouldn't be able to handle it, and I think we'd all go to pieces after something like that. I've never had someone close to me die -nobody in my family, immediate or extended has died. I've got all my siblings, cousins, parents, aunts & uncles, and grandparents in tact give or take a few organs.

My home teachers last year would come and three of the messages in a row were about trials, and I told them I didn't think I had any. Everyone goes through trials, but my life has been somewhat lacking in terrible things, not that I'm complaining, but I sometimes worry that maybe I'll be trial-less for a long time and then this whole slew of devastating things will happen to make up for it and I'll be crushed by it because it will be so overwhelming. Then again I wonder if I do have trials and I just don't know about them. How can you not know you have trials though? I should think it would be obvious. Maybe I'm just not observant enough. Or too optimistic, which seems unlikely. Well, when I do, I guess I'll know, and if not, someone will probably inform me after the fact. I'm always the last to know about things and I don't see why this would be the exception.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

M-Lite got in! She's an accepted freshman at BYU. The letter came yesterday. Hot dang I'm excited. Next year there will be three of us here if H decides to come to Provo. Hot Dang - that's all I can say. I knew she'd get in. Well, I said we'd have a party, and we may just combine it with our bad luck party that we're having on Friday the 13th, which was a substitute party for until she got her letter, which she now has. Hot freakin' dang I'm happy.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Thursday makes me happy. I ran into Flippin who came to Sunshine's to watch The Office, and C and J came too like they do every week. The Office pretty much is awesome. Anyway, after The Office I called home to call back my Mom and I also talked to my sister H who makes me laugh. I'll be so happy when I get to see her at Christmas, but more-so when she comes down to school next fall, assuming of course that she comes to BYU instead of going to some crazy ivy league school like she wants to. Our conversation included her saying she misses me not because I'm me, but because now she has to do her own art projects, both of us trying to recite that Tikki -Tikki -Tembo story thing about the boy in the well, and her telling me one story about a stolen statue of St. Joseph that she didn't really steal but everyone in her classes at school thinks she did. Ahh, I miss home. I can't wait to go home this next summer. Our conversation was temporarily halted when Sunshine came over to go to D.I. to look for salvaged materials to build a chair for her design class, but I called H back on Sunshine's cell phone on the ride over to D.I.. Can I just say how much I like thrift shopping? A whole freaking lot. At home there's Value Village which is where most of my clothes and junk come from. And how much do I like thrift shopping with Sunshine? Another whole freaking lot. We left D.I. with 5 pairs of wooden crutches, among other things, and as we were walking back to her car I felt so ridiculously happy for no reason at all, other than that we must have looked pretty funny, walking in the rain along a busy road with a bunch of crutches in the middle of the night. My favorite moment while shopping was when she told me to watch the cart to make sure nobody ran away with the crutches. That made me laugh. I bought a thermometer, which is something that I've had on my to-buy list for at least 6 months. This one has a rainbow on it and is extremely tacky; exactly what I want. I hope to one day have an extremely huge mansion of a house and to fill it with plastic cups, croquet sets, random chairs, and pillowcases, all of them mismatched and used. There's a golf course back home that I want to buy, mainly for the grass, but also for the sand traps which I want to turn into sand boxes and the trees there have excellent tree-house potential. Plus there's a pool and a freaking huge house looking building that probably houses the gift shop and stuff like that. I've never actually gone inside because I'm scared to, but I think I will when I'm home. Coincidentally, across the street from this golf course is the cemetery where I want to be buried. It's small and crowded by the houses in back of it, and its parking lot is always full. Not because people visit the graves there, but because people park there to go across the street and golf. It must make those dead people sad - they're all like "oh look, someone has come to see me, oh wait, nevermind, they're just here to golf, nobody loves me after all." Anyway, one day I will own that golf course I have never been to and be buried across the street in the cemetery that I have never been to either but have always wanted to go to. Also on my list is to go to the light shoppe, because it too would be fun to explore and I've considered going in there for as long as I can remember, to examine expensive light bulbs and chandeliers. I don't think I've actually been anywhere where I'm from.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

I just wanted to say that the weather has been glorious. Yesterday when it was windy and overcast I felt happy, and then I was sad because I realized that I hadn't been happy before then, but then I was happy because it was cool and dim out, just like it would be at home. And then it rained and Yom Kippur happened.I wasn't expecting it, but I'm glad Flippin called to tell me it was going on. I got to wear a fish tie. I've decided to celebrate every holiday I can get my hands on, for no other reason than that I want to be in a celebratory mood.

Last year #15 would have fake surprise birthday parties and have #9 over and they'd sing and eat cake. This happened several times until #9 didn't want to play along when it wasn't really anybody's birthday, but said they wanted cake anyway and S said what I still consider to be one of the funniest things I've never heard, which was- "No, this cake is only for believers!" I miss that.

My new roommates are very normal. They are girls. Loud , normal, boy-crazy girls. So loud that I haven't slept much this past month and I'm tired most of the time. I miss the zany weirdos I used to have access to all the time. Do any of these new people know who William Powell is, or what a shiv is, or even have 1/78 of the sense of humor that I'm accustomed to being exposed to? Heck no. In short they irritate me, and maybe I'll get used to them, but then again I'm not really sure that I will, because I'm not comfortable being myself around them, and quite frankly they scare me. I hate new places and people. I hate change. Except for dimes. Dimes are pretty awesome.

M-lite and I have discussed building furniture or a garden path out of pennies, which I think would be awesome because over time they'd turn green. I want to use the word patina, but don't know where to place it so I'm just going to throw it out there. Most of all I want to not be in school, but instead make things like lamps and furniture, and M-lite wants to make chandeliers, so I think we're all set. I want to work with my hands. Why is it that people are all engineers and doctors and scientists? Where are the bakers and carpenters and mechanics? I think I've missed the era I was supposed to be born in.

Most days I feel like a 64 year old woman. My knees bother me when I sit and my feet crack when I walk. I've lost some of my height too. I'm some sort of hunchback, and I try to counteract it by sitting up straight, which causes my back to make funny crackings and poppings, which is something that it has never done before now. I've lost an inch and a quarter. I think that inch is lost forever, but if you find that quarter could you return it to me? It's from 1969.