Tag: Dominance and submission

OK – usual health warning. This is a personal point of view and I’m not disrespecting what works for others. This is what these things mean to me.

Our dominant and submissive relationship is based on being the best we can be for each other. We’ve previously defined it as being equal and opposite. It is – but it is also complementary and it is always our aim to minimise compromise.

Our dynamic is founded on strength and responsibility, service and obedience – and there are dominant and submissive aspects to each of these.

Strength

This seems to be a given for the dominant (but I know there are times when I am not strong). It’s sometimes assumed that obedient, non-resistant (the reverse of bratty?) submission is doormat-like and not worthy of respect – because submission is based on resistance that must be overcome by the dominants strength.

That’s not my view.

It’s easy/lazy for both partners in a service/obedience based D/s dynamic just to pay lip service to what is required. But delighting your partner always takes effort and subsumes self. And that’s a job for both.

She never stops delighting me. I hope I do the same for her. But it’s especially difficult for the submissive to be true to her part of the dynamic when it doesn’t suit. Often simple submission takes strength.

Responsibility

For me (and my partner) this goes a lot wider than just us (and just BDSM). We both reckon that if more people took their responsibilities seriously there would be less need for rights.

For me as a dominant it means I need to use what she has consented to for my satisfaction, but as safely as I can and not abusively. It means I make it possible for her to give me what I want by taking away concerns and worries that stop her doing so.

This includes domestic trivia. I’ll cook if she needs time to do her nails.

Service

Service for us is partly ritualistic. There are small but important things we do (I plait her at bedtime, she makes her obeisance when she leaves the room) which keep us in our places. But they aren’t the essence of who we are – just a way we remind ourselves and each other of who we are.

Service is asymmetric. Mostly she gives and I receive. But it is freely given and something she wishes to give. It’s not a chore to her – it makes me glow and that makes her feel powerful.

She is also the power behind my throne . When I weaken she holds me up. That too is service.

Obedience

Obedience is something I earn. It is the reward I get for making her feel secure, desired. cared for and respected. If it needs to be enforced then we both have failed.

Obedience will not always be easy. Like service, it is part of who she wants to be, even when it doesn’t suit her: It is only real when it isn’t optional. And that means I have to enforce it – even when I’m in the mood to be laissez faire – or not in the mood for much: She isn’t who she wants to be unless she feels controlled and respected for her obedience.

It was a short survey, just asking about people’s BDSM orientation and their final level of education. 504 people answered it – but they were all recruited from a couple of BDSM websites and no attempt was made to collect a sample that could be seen as representative. it is a self-selecting poll: People that were interested in it responded, others didn’t. However, with the proviso’s noted in the background article (linked above) the educational levels stated by respondents to this survey were broadly similar to those stated in other surveys I have done (I will do a proper piece on that at a later date).

The table below states what people taking the survey said was their last level of education:

People who followed the original debate on “Informed Consent” will know that various research studies were cited that purported to show that the BDSM population contained a higher proportion of more intelligent or more well-educated people than the population as a whole. The debate was hot and the studies mentioned were much criticised. This survey also can’t be said to have met any of the necessary conditions for accuracy. But it does show the same sort of result as those other studies:

“Perfection: a dangerous subject: first because it doesn’t exist and secondly, because writing about it might make some think that one won’t settle for anything other. Finally, because a post like this (seriously but lightheartedly meant) is likely to attract comments that range from the witty to the sarcastic.

Still, my shoulders are broad.

I am risking the post, however, because I think a person’s vision of perfection at least gives other people an idea of how the author’s mind works – and that may be useful.

So, here’s my vision of subly perfection – I’ve thought about it and I suspect I’m about to expose myself as the stereotypical male Dom. Here goes:

She’s proud of herself and likes to make me proud of her too – she strives to excel in all aspects of her life and service.

She knows her limits but wants to be eased (sometimes cajoled) beyond them

She desires her limits and wants rules and rituals to reinforce them

She expects respect – and shows respect

She sees her submission as part of all of her life and not just a sub set of it

She gains my attention through her behaviour – but never asks for my attention

She revels in praise, but accepts that punishment is a vital part of dispute resolution

She wants me to want to show her off – and her dress, grooming, deportment and behaviour reflect this at all times

She expects to be protected and adored and is not afraid to expose her vulnerabilities (to me) to achieve this

She expects to support and nourish me – and thus I am unafraid to expose my vulnerabilities, when I feel them

She appreciates formality and can associate it with intimacy, not aloofness

She has strongly held views and expects to express them, in a respectful context.

(and, as suggested by Bearoftwo: “the maturity to accept there will be differences and the attitude and desire to overcome them”)

This article looks at how strongly 499 safeword survey participants agreed or disagreed with the statement “I feel a safeword makes my play more artificial”.

The first chart, shows the extent to which all respondents (split by gender) agreed or disagreed with the statement “I feel a safeword makes my play more artificial” (the method I have used for calculating the charts is under the subheading “Data used in this article” below).

Respondents of both genders were more likely to agree than disagree with this statement. Men were slightly less likely to agree than women, but both sexes agreed, by a substantial margin, that safewords made play more artificial.

When the data was split by BDSM orientation (above) a clear difference did emerge. Switches were roughly three times more likely to disagree that safewords make play more artificial whilst both tops/dominants and bottoms/submissives supported the statement strongly. Tops/dominants were more than four times more likely to agree that safewords make play artificial. Bottoms/submissives also agreed – but not as strongly. They were only twice as likely to agree that safewords make play artificial than to disagree.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, people from the Master (mistress) & slave BDSM component overwhelmingly agreed (roughly 12 times more likely to agree with the statement than to disagree with the statement – below). People from the largest group in the survey (Dominants/submissives were split and Sadists/masochists were a little more likely to disagree that safewords make play feel artificial than not.

Data used in this article

The article uses data from a question where people were asked whether they felt that a safeword made their play more artificial. 499 people answered the question. People were able to pick from the following responses:

Agree

Agree strongly

Neither agree nor disagree

Disagree

Disagree strongly

To produce the charts used above I manipulated the data as follows:

Agree (scored 1)

Agree strongly (scored 2)

Neither agree nor disagree (eliminated from responses)

Disagree (scored -1)

Disagree strongly (scored -2)

I totalled the scores and then divided that by the total of all responses (including “Neither agree nor disagree”, in order that a high neutral response would influence the outcome by reducing both negative and positive scores). I expressed that in percentages for convenience.

The data used is in the tables below:

What is your gender?

(All)

I feel a safeword makes our play more artificial

What is your BDSM orientation?

How would you describe the most important component of your BDSM Dynamic?

This article looks at how strongly 499 safeword survey participants agreed or disagreed with the statement “safewords are unhelpful to partners who know each other well”

The first chart, shows the extent to which all respondents (split by gender) thought safewords unhelpful to partners who know each other well (the method I have used for calculating the charts is under the subheading “Data used in this article” below).

Both men and women are much more likely to agree with this statement than to disagree and there really is no great difference of opinion between the sexes.

When the data was split by BDSM orientation (above) a clear difference did emerge. Whilst tops/dominants and bottoms/submissives strongly agree with the statement (T/ds were around twice as likely to disagree than to agree – b/s people nearly three times so) switches disagree.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, people from the Master (mistress) & slave BDSM component overwhelmingly agreed with the statement (below). People from the largest group in the survey (Dominants/submissives were split and Sadists/masochists were more likely to agree that safewords are unhelpful than not.

Data used in this article

The article uses data from a question where people were asked whether they consideredsafewords to be unhelpful to partners who knew each other well. 499 people answered the question. People were able to pick from the following responses:

Agree

Agree strongly

Neither agree nor disagree

Disagree

Disagree strongly

To produce the charts used above I manipulated the data as follows:

Agree (scored 1)

Agree strongly (scored 2)

Neither agree nor disagree (eliminated from responses)

Disagree (scored -1)

Disagree strongly (scored -2)

I totalled the scores and then divided that by the total of all responses (including “Neither agree nor disagree”, in order that a high neutral response would influence the outcome by reducing both negative and positive scores). I expressed that in percentages for convenience.

In the article on safewords in all BDSM transactions, only switches were more likely than not to agree with the statement “Safewords are essential in all BDSM transactions”. However, the BDSM play article shows general, agreement that safewords are essential – with some groups being more emphatic in their agreement than others. Only masters (mistresses) and slaves were more likely to think that safewords are NOT essential in play. This article shows a more mixed picture than either of the above. I wonder if that may be because BDSM people have not yet come to a common understanding of what they consider punishment to be (for reference, my thoughts on this are here and my proposed definition (for voting and debate) is here).

The first chart, below, shows how inclined, or not, all respondents (split by gender) were to consider safewords essential in BDSM punishment (the method I have used for calculating the charts is under the subheading “Data used in this article” below).

The people who took part seem pretty split on this one. Women were slightly more likely to disagree with the proposition than men, but not by very much at all.

However, when it comes to BDSM orientations there are some significant differences in perception (below).

There is a very clear difference of opinion between bottoms/submissives and everyone else. Submissives were three times more likely to disagree that safewords are essential in BDSM punishment than either tops/dominants or switches. And they were the only group who were less likely to think that safewords were essential in punishment than to agree that they were essential. Switches were the most likely to think that safewords in punishment were essential. But, there is a clear difference of opinion between dominants and submissives here.

The chart above shows that there are also clear differences in the views of respondents from different BDSM components. Sadists/masochists are split on whether safewords are essential in punishment. Dominant’s submissives are more likely than not to say that they are essential (though the extent to which they disagree is almost identical to S/m respondents) and masters (mistresses) and slaves are nearly five times more likely to disagree with the proposition than to agree.

Data used in this article

The article uses data from a question where people were asked whether they considered safewords to be essential in BDSM play. 500 people answered the question. People were able to pick from the following responses:

Agree

Agree strongly

Neither agree nor disagree

Disagree

Disagree strongly

To produce the charts used above I manipulated the data as follows:

Agree (scored 1)

Agree strongly (scored 2)

Neither agree nor disagree (eliminated from responses)

Disagree (scored -1)

Disagree strongly (scored -2)

I totalled the scores and then divided that by the total of all responses (including “Neither agree nor disagree”, in order that a high neutral response would influence the outcome by reducing both negative and positive scores). I expressed that in percentages for convenience.

The data used is in the tables below:

What is your gender?

(All)

Safewords are essential in BDSM punishment

What is your BDSM orientation?

How would you describe the most important component of your BDSM Dynamic?

In that article, only switches were more likely to agree with the statement “Safewords are essential in all BDSM transactions” than not. However, when it comes to BDSM play there is, generally, agreement that safewords are essential – with some groups being more emphatic in their agreement than others. Only masters (mistresses) and slaves are more likely to think that safewords are NOT essential in play (see third chart below).

The first chart, below, shows how inclined, or not, all respondents (split by gender) were to consider safewords essential in play (the method I have used for calculating the charts is below).

Men and women are both much more likely to say safewords are essential in play, Women agreed slightly more with the statement – but not by much.

The next chart looks at whether people in different BDSM orientations (tops/dominants, switches and bottom’s/submissives) agree that safewords are essential in BDSM play

All groups are much more likely to agree with the statement than not – it’s just a question of how emphatically they agree. Switches scored more than four times as highly in agreement with the statement that safewords were essential in play than disagreed. Tops/dominants were also in very strong agreement (the score for agree was more than three times as high as the score for disagree). Bottoms/submissives were also more likely to agree than disagree – but by a much closer margin.

When it comes to BDSM components, Masters/slaves were the only group to disagree that safewords were essential in play – and by a noticeable margin. There were 88 M/s responses to the question.

D/s and S/m people showed a close degree of agreement with the statement that safewords are essential in play. However, S/m people were far less likely to disagree with the statement.

Data used in this article

The article uses data from a question where people were asked whether they considered safewords to be essential in BDSM play. 500 people answered the question. People were able to pick from the following responses:

Agree

Agree strongly

Neither agree nor disagree

Disagree

Disagree strongly

To produce the charts used above I manipulated the data as follows:

Agree (scored 1)

Agree strongly (scored 2)

Neither agree nor disagree (eliminated from responses)

Disagree (scored -1)

Disagree strongly (scored -2)

I totalled the scores and then divided that by the total of all responses (including “Neither agree nor disagree”, in order that a high neutral response would influence the outcome by reducing both negative and positive scores). I expressed that in percentages for convenience.

The data used is in the tables below

What is your gender?

(All)

Count of RespondentID

Safewords are essential in BDSM play

What is your BDSM orientation?

How would you describe the most important component of your BDSM Dynamic?