10 Reasons Why Helen Keller is TSTC

I used to think I was TSTC, but then I realized there is one historical figure who takes the proverbial cake for not giving a fuck: HELEN FUCKING KELLER. I know I should have probably written this in braille as a nod to my girl H. Kel, but I think the masses need to understand what a sratty bitch good ole Hel is. She was simply too srat to care, and my esteemed colleague, J. Parks, agrees.

1. She was the best secret keeper ever.
Most people love gossip, but Helen was so far above it. You could tell that bitch anything, and it would basically be as if she hadn’t even heard whatever juicy piece of info you’d passed along.

2. She was from Alabama.
Regardless of the fact that 18 of the 26 sororities nationally recognized by panhel were founded north of the Mason Dixon, we all know you’re NOT SRAT unless you’re from THE SOUTH. Like, let’s be real here. THE SOUTH. It’s a TSM.

3. She’s super exclusive with whom she chooses to communicate with.
Annie Sullivan was Helen’s bestie, and was pretty much the only person Helen would even interact with. Why? Because she’s TSTC about interacting with peasants. She’s that girl who will only talk to people wearing letters. Only interacting with your best friends. TSM.

4. She invented throwing what you know.
That’s right, we have Helen Keller to thank for every sorority gang sign picture ever. She started throwing hand gestures at the approximate age of 4, and she continued to throw it up throughout her life. Regardless of what she was trying to say, Helen communicated via hand signal, because she was simply TSTC.

That the best you got, Hilt’? Lemme show you how the big leaguers do it, you amateur. –J. Parks

6. She looks like she’s doing the walk of shame every morning.
Who has time for color coordination at 8am after a long night of blacking out, right, ladies? At least all those clashing colors took attention away from her paper baggable, morning-after mug. Too cool to use a mirror, I like to call Helen Keller’s look the “Notre Dame Face.” Her hair looks like it got caught in a windstorm, and she’s always down for falling on her back and passing out, night vision camera in hand. So fucking chic.

7. When she felt lonely and insecure, she had a bestie get her hand wet.
Admit it, ladies. You’re all a bit blind curious. Gotta love that helping hand. That’s water, Helen! Yes, yes, it is, Annie. Now give her a hug.

8. Blind people get the best medical marijuana.
Helen’s a busy girl with a lot on her plate. Metaphorically, of course. Eating’s for fatties. Be honest, ladies. Times a tickin’, and with your ovaries withering away quicker than Elin Nordegren’s self-esteem post-Lindsay Vonn, who has time to get a medical herb card these days? Helen had no time for convenient cases of “glaucoma.” She skipped to full-fledged blindness, and accordingly probably smoked more than my pisshole after Tijuana strip club night.

9. She’s a horrible driver.
You know, because she’s a woman. Acknowledging crosswalks and the inconspicuous pedestrians crossing them is for geeds. YOLO.

10. She only speaks in emoticons.
…;–..;_…]::;_.;,).,(;.,;.. I ;;;..,..,;.,..,;;.69:).
Braille. TSTC.

There’s also a helen keller festival in tuscumbia featuring music and art…. I once tried so hard to make people drive there with me when I may or may not have been under the influence of various substances