Real Feelings.

Mark Carbonza Conquers His Fears of Moist Towels

Mark Carbonza is afflicted by many irrational fears and aversions. This column is dedicated to his journey in explaining my fears, but then conquering them. This week’s fear:

Moist towels.

WHY MOIST TOWELS FREAK ME OUT

“But Mark, why moist towels? Are they not a symbol of a job well done?”

You’re right. A wet towel usually means it has absorbed all the moisture from the person using it or for the person who used it on a wet item or pet.

I’m a man affected by texture.

Wet clothes are not for me. They’re deceptively heavier, for one. But having been caught in the rain often enough and because there are clothes specifically made to be wet (ie. bathing suits and rain jackets (It’s in the name!))

But towels not only get heavier, they shapeshift. Not only can they then be weaponized, but…no that’s it.

A moist towel is a wet towel that has had time to think about what to target next. A moist towel is a slightly drier towel with the past of a criminal.

WHY YOU SHOULD BE FREAKED OUT BY MOIST TOWELS

AS IF MY EXPLANATION FOR ME BEING AFRAID OF THEM ISN’T ENOUGH?! JEEZ! WHEN WILL YOU TRUST ME?!

THE PLAN OF ACTION

Acquire a towel.

Acquire a water source.

Create a moist towel.

Lock self in room with moist towel.

Get a friend to free/save you.

EXECUTION: THE PATH TO PROGRESS WHOAGRESS™

1. Acquire a towel.

I went to a big chain store that I will not name but rhymes with Stalwart or Paul Blart™. I asked someone for a towel and I did not expect a follow-up question: “Would you like dry or moist towels?” But because I had a plan of action, I asked for dry.

I JUST WAS NOT READY!

2. Acquire a water source.

I used my computer for this one.

But then I found out that I can just use the shower in my apartment. Because that is a source from which water comes.

So I’ll just use that.

3. Create a moist towel.

There are multiple methods of doing this.

Either I can put the towel under the showerhead and REALLY REALLY REALLY make it it wet. Or I can take a shower and use the towel on myself to cut down on drying time. Either way, the towel will need to hang for at least a few hours to become JUST moist.

4. Lock self in room with moist towel.

After making the necessary phone calls to ensure that someone I can trust will be by the bathroom door ready to break in and save me should anything happen, I occupied the porcelain throne across from where the towel was hanging.

Nothing happened. NOTHING! It’s now that I realize that I am not afraid of moist towels, but in fact afraid of touching or being whipped with a moist towel by a mean person.

5. Get a friend to free/save you.

I would have said that this step can largely be ignored, but upon trying to exit the bathroom, my friend and I encountered problems with the doorlock. Being trapped is a huge fear of mine, but locks are normally so easy! WHY WAS THIS ONE SO DIFFICULT!?

CONQUERSHIP™ STATUS:

Moist towels: One hundred percent CONQUEREDSHIPPED™™

Doorlocks: UNCONQUEREDSHIPPED™™ NEW FEAR DEVELOPED DEFEARLOPED™

Mark Carbonza is the Dr. Jekyll to Montreal stand-up comedian’s Mike Carrozza’s Mr. Hyde. You can follow him on Twitter @mikecarrozza or find out more about him on mikecarrozza.com.