1.01.2016

How's that for a new years day blog title?
It pretty much sums up my feelings about 2015. It was one of the hardest year's for myself, emotionally & physically. Today is the first day of the new year and last night was also hard, Leo didn't sleep much & neither did Eli. After both boys going to bed after midnight, this morning was a nightmare. Josh handed me the keys & said leave. Don't need to tell me twice!

Now, before I get started on my rant on why 2015 sucked so bad, I have to put a disclaimer in. We did have happy moments, the birth of our second son, my sisters wedding, our good friends wedding (all in one week I might add) and plenty of happy joy filled moments in general. BUT overall, there was just a feeling of suck in the air. No that is not grammatically correct, but it's the way it felt. A weight of sadness & hardship seemed to stick around in 2015 and it was hard, frustrating and downright annoying.

We kicked off 2015 at my parents house in the greater Seattle area and a few days later left for home in the new year for the mundane work, kids, life...repeat. Then BAM a few days later our good friend passes away leaving his wife pregnant with their second and oldest child without a dad. It was like a punch to the gut. Without a doubt in our mind I would go to the east coast to help her out for as long as we could (which ended up being a month). Being there was fulfilling for me because I knew I could be a constant person for a month in her life. She didn't have to tell another person where the toilet paper was stored, or how to get to a play date for her eldest. I was there. It felt good, but it also felt really really hard. Reality set in immediately in 2015 that life is fragile and temporary, there isn't a guarantee for survival to old age. There is life and then there isn't in one final moment. We all have a death sentence whether now or later, it's going to come.
Not only did he pass away suddenly, but then a family member of mine passed away while I was literally on the flight over there to help my friend and then in the fall another family member passed away followed by someone else close to me having a stroke. Talk about morbid, right?

I was so ready for 2016. I've been saying it to Josh for months already. Stepping into the new year isn't going to change 2015, but there is an unspoken feeling of a new leaf turned. Even if you don't believe in resolutions or a day changing anything (which it doesn't), last night there was a huge breath of relief when the countdown was up, Auld Lang Syne started playing and the "Happy New Year" chants erupted around us. It felt refreshing, like a hot shower after a hard workout. This year I'm looking forward to deeper relationships, more importance put on my marriage (because it took a bit of a backseat in 2015 with everything else) and living in the moment deeper. I'm not a resolution person, but I have made a couple for myself this year and to be honest it feels good, actually great.

One thing I want to end on is God doesn't guarantee an easy life, but He does guarantee a life after death. There is nowhere in the Bible which states life will be easier, more simple or even less chaotic following Christ. But the guarantee for heaven, for life in conjunction with Him after I pass keeps me going. I follow Jesus because my relationship with Him is constant, He never leaves me. This year I've cursed at Him, I've yelled, I've been downright mean. Yet in the dark He always held out a hand to pick me up from the ground, from the depth of sorrow. I didn't lose anyone in my immediate family this year or even someone I was best friends with, but I feel slightly more prepared for it when it happens. Not because you can really prepare for the suddenness of death, but because Jesus never left me & I CHOSE not to give up on my faith during 2015.