Life on the Ramona Coaster: Part Two

I’m ready to get of the Ramona coaster now, please. image source: promogif.com

So where were we? Ah yes, Ramona gets to now tell us how to stay fit and look young forever, like her. Well, she actually doesn’t tell us how she does it, just that she does. She literally has Sports Illustrated-esque photos of herself in a bikini which she captions “my fit body.” I would love to share them here but Ramona Singer, Age 56 seems like one litigious lady. I mean, she does look great, but…

i wish there were a bush behind my desk. image source: gifsoup.com

This will come as a shock to absolutely NO ONE, but I am floored by what a narcissist Ramona is. And I mean that in a non-hyperbolic way— I can’t get over the shit she says in this book. And I listened to Teresa Giudice marble-mouth her way at a snail’s pace through an eight-hour tribute to her innocences.

this is… troubling. image source: vomzi.com

Basically, Ramona Singer is Gretchen Wieners, all grown-up.

y’all are just “jillous.” image source: huffingtonpost.com

Everyone on RHONY is super jealous of her, especially Jill Zarin. Ramona had a SUPER successful jewelry line on HSN, her True Face Cream Jesus or whathaveyou, her FABULOUS wine, Ramona Pinot Grigio (everyone knows that that is the FANCIEST of all the wines) and it’s not her fault that everything she touches turns to GOLD!

And you guys, that jealousy doesn’t just infect the women around Ramona. No. Her star shines SO brightly, that it ruined her marriage. That’s right. Ramona’s beautiful, sassy short haircut (which she dedicates an entire chapter to) and insane business savvy made Mario feel so bad about himself that he had to sleep with other people.

haters gonna hate. image source: nomoremomjeans.com

Poor Mario. First, his stupid bejeweled cross company fell on hard times, even though Ramona joined the Real Housewives JUST to make it more successful. Then, she cut her hair and became even MORE gorgeous with all of her businesses just killing it and he just couldn’t take it. He and almost everyone else that has ever known Ramona for more than six months are just SO jealous of her that they just can’t handle it.

Ramona believes that if Plastic Jesus ‘R Us were still doing well, she and Mario would still be happily married. She shares a letter that her daughter Avery wrote Mario after news of his affairs hit the papers and it is SO personal and it honestly just grossed me out that Ramona added it to pad her book, which BARELY clears 200 pages (and Avery basically just says how could Mario cheat on her mom when she was a perfect partner, etc).

On the jacket of this, ahem, “book” (it’s really more of a collection of Ramona’s shitty love letters to herself), the book is described as “laugh-out-loud.” Beyond the photos of her “fit body,” I never laughed once. I am learning that the problem with these women is that they take themselves so goddamn seriously.