Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on, or by imbeciles who really mean it.
- Mark Twain

Sunday, December 03, 2006

My very own top 10 list

Sadly enough, nothing of note has pissed me off enough to write about in the last few days...so I was sitting here wondering, what normally pisses me off? I mean, day-to-day pisses me off? Why, the list is long...the material is there...but sadly, I don't have unlimited space here to list too many. (And there are many.) So the top 10 things that REALLY piss me off are as follows:

1. Oregon drivers. You all seem to have learned to drive in cooking class. I've lived in seven different states, and Mexico, and the driving in all of those other places (which include Texas and New York City, neither place known for driving niceties) is positively FUCKING WONDERFUL compared to here. Every day I leave my house knowing I have to drive as defensively as I possibly can or else I will take my fucking life into my hands. So for everyone who merges without looking, panics when 1/4 of a mile away from your exit and dashes across three freeway lanes to make it (also without looking), refuses to merge, drives 10 miles under the speed limit in the left lane and then speeds up when I attempt to pass you, speeds around me USING THE RIGHT SHOULDER ON THE FREEWAY (yes, this has happened twice), tailgates me in a fucking school zone but manages not to get a ticket, runs red lights two and three cars at a time, tailgates me on icy roads because I'm not going fast enough to spin off of them, talks on your fucking cell phone and speeds through the parking lot - etc., the list is too long - FUCK ALL OF YOU PEOPLE! If the cops around here did anything besides sitting and waiting for speeders at 5 a.m., you'd all deserve to lose your fucking drivers' licenses.

2. People who have the most annoying cell phone rings. You're also the same people who insist on answering it and talking at least five octaves louder than you must talk, and always in public places like cafes where people are reading, studying, and trying to have a GOOD TIME WITHOUT LISTENING TO YOUR BULLSHIT! And it is INVARIABLY bullshit. I've yet to hear someone whose phone plays the macarena at a loud volume answer the phone for anything actually important.

3. Most SUV drivers. Not only do you have to be socially irresponsible aplenty, you typically are the ones driving and talking and almost running over little kids at the same time.

4. People with "Bush/Cheney04" and "W" stickers on their SUVS, trucks, etc. Sorry, but I've NEVER seen one of those stickers on a fuel-efficient vehicle. The next time it gets really cold, I plan to spit on one of those stickers and watch it freeze. Or, better yet, piss on it.

5. People who smoke right in front of doorways to public places. Fuck all of you! When I was a smoker, I wasn't that rude. In fact, I quit smoking because I DON'T WANT TO PAY TO GET CANCER. So please, go kill yourselves in your own homes or backyards with your cancer sticks.

6. Customer service people who say, after you've just piped up about an egregious customer service experience, that "you're the only one who's complained." Yeah, right. And I'm the only one who's stupid enough to believe you.

7. Women who sleep around at work and show off about it. You make us all look bad! Talk about promoting sexism! One that I used to work with comes to mind...although if I was a guy, I wouldn't fuck her.

8. People who get uptight when you say the word "fuck," but think it's perfectly OK to invade other countries for oil and gut the Constitution.

9. Nonprofits who, instead of thanking you after you make a donation, immediately send another solicitation. Even worse, I recently received one that had the balls to say "Your thank you is enclosed" and enclosed was actually - guess what? - another solicitation.

10. People who kill animals just for fun. I bet you're all hung like mosquitos.