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Monday, 1 October 2012

Submission Craving (30 Days of Kink)

Technically, I am a Switch. I enjoy being Dominant and
having power over a person’s emotional and physical well-being in sexual
situations. This may be simply about controlling a person’s sensations and
orgasm, or creating a painful and humiliating situation for a person. It depends
on mine and my partner’s mutual needs and wants.But, at heart, I’m a submissive.Yesterday I felt lost, vulnerable, frustrated, tense,
and angry for most of the day. It was for one reason: I had a deep, desperate
craving to be spanked, caned, humiliated, used as a toilet, and controlled. I
wanted to be made to cry and then given loving aftercare. I still have it today
but to a lesser extent. My response has been to deny myself orgasm, to see if I
can be my own Dom. But I also thought that maybe if I just burnt or cut myself a
little, I could get the same kick. I didn’t try it because I knew it wouldn’t
work. It isn’t the act itself, it is about giving myself and giving control
over to another person.I spoke to hubby about it, about what sexual craving
and desperation feels like. He felt sorry for me. He looked at me with pity. That
made me feel awful, like a sick person who needs help. When I told him that is
how I felt for most of the first couple of years of our relationship, he was
devastated. Of course, there was nothing he could do about my craving, nor did
I want him to. Yesterday I needed a true Dominant to take me in hand.I emailed my ex-Master, James, (we have gone back to
being friends, well, we are trying). Not because I wanted to play with him there
and then, but because I thought he would understand. I thought he would be able
to listen and say “shit, I’m sorry, wish there was something I could do.” He
suggested I find a Dom online. As if! I’m not someone who can give myself over
easily. It takes someone very special to make me submit. (Ironically, I find it
easier to be a Dom.)While I crave the physical feelings of being
Dominated, it is the psychological, the emotional aspects which I really need. This
is a more long-term, intense, lifestyle-type feeling. And this is the very
feeling which James ran away from. I have no idea why, I doubt he does, he isn’t
one for deep self-reflection. Maybe he was scared of his own Dominance? Maybe
he realized he is only a sexual Dom? Maybe he didn’t understand how I could be
happily married yet want to have someone control me the hours and days I’m not with my
husband? Maybe it was only the physical distance between us? Maybe he just didn’t
want me enough?Do I still want James as my Dom? I don’t know. I trust
him less now. I gave myself over to him and I don’t think he knew how to deal
with that. But he was the perfect Dom for me for a few months. I would love for
him to help me through my cravings, whether just as
someone who doesn't think me sick, or as someone who gives me commands
when I have cravings. Is that sensible though? Perhaps not. We do seem fairly
incapable of just being friends though. We are perhaps the most sexually
compatible it is possible for a pair to get. That is hard to let go of at the
best of times, and when you have the filthy kinks we have (ones spurned even by
much of the BDSM community), that is even harder to say goodbye to. Neither of
us seem quite able to do so.One thing is for sure. I have subby cravings.
I have to find ways to manage that without giving up on sex completely (which
is what I did for many years) and without impinging negatively on my marriage.
If I weren’t so gorram picky, I could find another Dom to help me, but I am, so
I’m stuck!

This (sort of) fulfills the “Thirty
Days of Kink” prompt “Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you?
Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically
define your kinky self for us.”