So I made a little game, it's nothing major, my first real game, took me a few weeks to learn/re-learn the fundamentals of ActionsScript and put this together. Similar to Music Catch if you've ever played that. Orbs flow across the screen in time with some classical music, click 'em without missing any and you build up a combo for a high score.

Well if you disagree I suppose I should say that you're entitled to your opinion and that we can all get along amiably despite our differences. But I'm not that kind of guy so, let's restart.

Nah not really, but seriously, it's a good game.

Now, I gotta say, I love it when a game surprises me. Especially those that just dumbfound me. Games that give that whole, "Wait, huh, what? Did that just happen? Shit! Fer real? Wow!". And that is exactly the feeling I had when I realized that after beating Eternity's Child, I wanted to go back and play it some more.

This is rare. I hardly ever replay games, let alone right away. What can I say, I'm not a fan of doing shit twice.

This got me thinking about the rare exceptions, and the only other games that come to mind that I can beat and then just jump right back into are Super Mario Bros., and Fancy Pants Adventures.

Which leads me to believe that I'll probably wind up jumping right back into Braid once it's released on PC.

2D Platformers are my favorite, big whoop, wanna fighdabouddit? I can think of few other genres that can do so much with Left, Right and A. It's all about mastery of the controls and the levels. When I play a platformer I play it differently than I would a first person shooter. It's not about beating the game, it's about beating the game perfectly. It's about the challenge.

Of course this can only be true if the controls are solid. If the controls are precise. Controls are like hookers, if they're too loose, I don' want 'em. When I hit jump, the protagonist at my mercy better jump. And I mean right the fuck now! Not a few seconds after when the lil' guy feels like he's up to it. Of course it may have taken Eternity's Child awhile to get the responsiveness down, but now it's as tight as a twelve year old.

Patience? Well you might want to try the next store over because I sure as shit don't got any. I want something I can beat without having to pause or save in between. Overly long games do nothing but muddle the experience, like the Hoover Dam, they fuck with the flow.

Few people want to play ugly games and even fewer people want to play ugly games twice. A visually interesting and attractive game is much more likely to keep my attention for the same reason I'll pick up a Victoria's Secret magazine, I like having pretty things to look at, they make me happy.

Every game's got different mechanics, that give the game its feel. Smart designers make levels that compliment their game's mechanics. If you got good mechanics you make levels that show them off. Honestly, why wear a turtleneck if you got a nice rack?

Mario Bros. came from a time when you could count the pixels, giving you remarkably precise jumps as Mario hung off a ledge with one blocky toe. Its levels took advantage of this, with hidden blocks and jumps that could only be made with such an elevated level of control.

Fancy Pants meanwhile is all about speed, smooth transitions and rhythmic timing which is played up by its long winding levels, oil-slicked wall jumps, loop-de-loops and conveniently placed platforms that allow the smart player to jump back into the air as soon as he's landed, never having to stop moving forward.

Meanwhile Eternity's Child gives you control over your character's generous air time, brilliant bullet mechanics and one way platforms. This is reflected in its level design as you fall through gaps in spinning blades, beat otherwise unstoppable swarms with clever charged shots and navigate your way around increasingly cleverly positioned platforms that can only be jumped and shot through one way.

Finally, I think the major key to the replayability of Eternity's Child as well as Mario Bros. and Fancy Pants is their predictability. They didn't need to try and startle you with clever plot twists or jump-scares because the games had the balls to tell you, "this next bit is brilliant, go on, take a look."

In short, what made these games awesome the first time is the same stuff that makes them awesome the second, third, fourth, fifth and however many other times.

A lot of games come with a learning curve. The game holds your hand and walks you through the basics, then once you've got them down introduces some more complexity and eventually once you've got it all figured out, turns up the difficulty slightly to keep things entertaining.

Eternity's Child does not have this.

Eternity's Child has a fucking learning WALL.

A wall which it'll grab you and slam you up against violently and repeatedly.

Nobody likes having a game make them its bitch, Eternity's Child does this.

Seriously, it's harder than Chad Concelmo at Sea World.

I felt different when I was playing Eternity's Child this morning, their was something familiar about its gameplay. It took me awhile to figure out what it was but then it hit me, Eternity's Child plays a lot like old retro platformers.

It provides you with transparent and unforgiving systems and mechanics which are at their core broken by today's standards. It reminded me alot of Abe's Odyssey, a game I had tried to get through recently, everything done well except for the gameplay. And in a more complimentary comparison, I'd liken it to the original Mario Bros. where you could hang onto a platform with a single-pixeled toe.

As with alot of retro games, Eternity's Child is not about getting good at the game mechanics, but rather finding loopholes and glitches that allow you to operate outside of them. Essentially playing it in a way it wasn't intended to be played, so you know, you can actually beat it.

So if you paid for the game and want to make it easier on yourself:

- I find standing still then jumping will get you farther than a running leap. True story. Stupid but true.- Enemies can't shoot down through platforms, neither can you. But you can shoot up through platforms. Stand a platform beneath a turret and blast that son of a bitch.- Those exploding metal heart-bats? Yeah don't shoot them, just run, you'd only be punishing yourself. Unless you can really get them from a distance, in which case the probability of a heart drop is worth it.- The charged shot? Useless against anything but turrets. Often you can hide behind a platform, wall or some other barrier and guide the charged shot around and into the enemy.- Bouncing springs? Time you jump right and you'll get some sort of crazy super-jump, go ahead, skip a few platforms, you deserve it.- Gotta go up? Take a ride on a giant robot bird. Skip a few platforms as you fall from his clutches.- Call up a buddy. Game gets a ton easier if one of you runs the mouse while the other uses the keyboard.

I've only played a little while, but from what I understand, the game's supposedly fairly buggy, I'm sure there's more exploitation to be had.

If you seek to avoid my horrid wall of text:Long story short, people need to quit bitching.

Anyways, the honorable Jim's article on the rather FAT Princess game, or if you want to get all accurate and specific, Jim's article on the rather opinionated FAT lady's article on the FAT Princess, y'know made me think 'bout some shit I wanted to talk about.

(See what I did there, I made the word "fat", rather, fat.)

Basically, chill out, your life isn't that big of a deal, there's billions of rather similar ones running concurrently to yours and countless ones that've come before and that'll come after. So relax.

But if you really can't get over yourself and your opinions, occasionally, take a look in the mirror and fuckin' deal with what you see there.

Thinkin' 'bout this shit also reminded me of a bit of a story (y'know, cause I'm a self-centered egocentric prick so everything's gotta be about me):

So, I've just graduated high school. Wasn't all that exciting. A dyke friend of mine mentions to me, "Hey! Y'know how we just had prom? Well there's another one going on in Vancouver, much like ours, except gay. You should come."

And since I'm a person with a penis who occasionally likes other people who happen to have penises, I respond, "Yeah sure."

Then, she followed up with, "Sweet! See ya there... well if I can find a ride with someone."

So I give her a ride since she had asked so passive-agressively, show up, meet a few guys, a few dances a few make-outs yadda yadda. It's all good, until I get talkin' with the guys. All they want to talk about is being gay. Like it's their whole identity, like it's all they do. How they just wish they'd be accepted the way they are, that they wouldn't be treated any differently, yadda yadda, bleeding hearts of the world unite. Then they ask me what I think of the whole deal.

"Yeah I don't really give a fuck."

"You're gay aren't you?!" Like this automatically meant I cared.

"Nah, I'm Angus, nice to meet you,"

"Ha, very funny," said with a face like it's the least funny thing ever. "But you like guys?"

"Yeah."

"Then you're gay."

"Not really, I dig chicks too."

"So you're Bi?"

"Nah, I go through phases usually I prefer chicks though."

"So you're straight?"

"I don't think you can say that once you've fondled a dick."

These guys, who are supposedly trying to raise awareness for some sort of penultimate "Gay Cause" are usually the biggest hypocrites. They can't wrap their head around somebody who hasn't tailored their sexuality into one of three little boxes.

Honestly, boxes don't matter. Nobody can really, fairly be put in one. So if somebody pokes a lil' fun at a stereotype, don't worry about it because chances are you aren't going to fit it perfectly, so it's not like they're making fun of you. If they're making a generalization that isn't true, don't worry about, you know it's not, let them keep their ignorance. If they're saying something that is true, well, fucking deal with it, it's fact.

"Faggot!" "Um, yeah. Wow, you really got me there, way to go champ."

Anyways back to the game about the chubby princess, "chubby people like to eat". Yeah, usually true. But not always, I know a few people who eat pretty healthy and in normal amounts who's metabolisms can just never seem to keep up. Those people it's not true for don't got to worry about it because they know the joke's not about them, and the people that matter to them know that.

Y'know similar stereotype that applies to me, (y'know, self-centered guy I am) "fags are wimps". Yeah, usually true. But not always, I've been in rugby matches and wrestling matches where I've taken out guys who were rather simply way bigger and stronger than me physically. I could do this because they were wimps, too busy with spray-on tans and how much they could bench to actually man-up, get their heads in the game and fight like real men. I don't worry about the stereotypes associated with my sexuality, because I know I don't fit them, and so do the people whose opinions matter to me.

Long story short, people need to quit bitching about words and stereotypes.