Tuesday, December 18, 2007

the good with the bad

Oh the thoughts I have had about love and relationships in the past six months. There have been many moments when such things have been the furthest thing from my mind, the luxury of these dwellings temporarily over ridden by actual crises or substantially more important things. But when it comes down to it, there is a tireless, pint-sized cupid running on pure adrenaline in my heart - hopeful, ever hopeful, that I'll finally figure this equation out.

Let me first say that there's no earthly reason why at 27 I should have love figured out. Sure, I've been in it, I'm "mature," I've seen some stuff. But shit, 27 is nothing in the scheme of things, and who am I to expect to have my little fingers wrapped around it at this point?

The funny thing is, I'm just starting to realize this. I have mistakenly taken my many years of serial monogamy as a crown of sorts. I have friends who come to me with questions about all things love and relationship wise, I have other friends who don't give it a second thought as to whether I will be one of the lucky ones who finds the right person, settles down and has a fabulous life with a real partner. The truth is - I don't really know jack when it comes to relationships. The little success I have had in them has been due in part to the benefits of youth and first loves, the character and strength of some of my partners and what I have come to understand in myself as an absolute unwillingness to admit failure, even when it's staring me in the face.

Consequently, I carry with me now the scars of love lived, lost and turned away - and the awkward awareness that even with all that lies in my past, I don't have the first clue what I'm looking for.

This has all been fairly startling to come to terms with, especially given the arrival of the Frenchman (aka, Mr. Wonderful) last January. My immediate attraction to him in the first few months of our relationship stemmed from a recognition that this, in fact, was the type of man I had been looking for (and held against past partners for not being). But if this is, in fact, the case - then why do I find myself so many months later thwarted by something as paltry as an ocean between us? Because let me tell you - if ever there was someone who was willing to make things work, regardless of the roadblocks - it's him. And if I've learned ANYTHING from my past relationships, or those around me (especially the ones I most admire), it's that in the end - if you want staying power - you need to find someone who is willing to WORK at things. And so this is what I've looked for, and now found, and I am the one unwilling to do my homework.

And it all makes no, and perfect, sense. I find in myself every cliche that heartbroken girls and trod upon guys draw up in defense of their hearts. And that is what this post was supposed to be about in the first place, but now I'm sleepy and it will have to wait until another time.

"there is a tireless, pint-sized cupid running on pure adrenaline in my heart"

I love that line. I have one of those hanging about. He's been on vacation since the Ex left me at the curb, but he's returned from his vacation and is starting to drink coffee and sober up.

We live and we learn from ourselves and others but one matter that this is hard to apply to is love. Each time is different and each person is different. Everything can be "right" but you can't help but feel the way you do. No rhyme or reason.

If the ocean is the biggest thing, you're not doing that bad. The way you've gone on about him it seems that he's in the right place for you. A guy should be so lucky be talked about like that. Irregardless of that though, if there's something missing from your end, you owe it to you both to figure that out.

Again, there may be no rhyme or reason for why you are feeling this way. From what I know of you, I don't see you not putting your all into it to get the answer.

you are a beautiful writer. i hope you find the answers, and outcomes you are looking for. perhaps you are not "doing your homework" because deep inside you know this is not the person - or the time for the person - for you. i really have no nuggets of wisdom to offer you, i am just as if not more clueless about love as the algae on the bottom of the ocean floor. good luck, and i enjoy reading your blog. :) <3 elyse