Real Housewives of NJ Honor First Responders With Hair-Pulling Brawl

What better way to pay tribute to our nation's first responders than with an event featuring slutty outfits, hunks of hair ripped out and thrown on the table, accusations of pencil dickery and dumb fuckery, and Juicy Joe asking a police officer, "Are you a real police officer?" Bobby has sure thrown himself a memorable first party!

So, these new girls really are committed to letting us know that although they may not be facing incarceration, they will BRING the DRAMA. First, the twins take Melissa and Teresa shopping for slutty firefighter costumes at Abracadabra Super Store…and it's not even Halloween!

What fresh madness is THAT? Apparently all you have to do is hold a "First Responders Party" in the middle of winter, and you can dress up as a scantily clad orange-boobed national hero at will! I mean: note to self. Melissa of course loves an excuse to wear fewer clothes than normal (and yes, she thinks that sailors are first responders, which may be true if you're a submarine resident or a horny lady during Fleet Week?), and also to bring up Amber-related drama. If you'll recall, Amber intimated to Melissa that Nicole was at one time a homewrecker, and Nicole didn't take so kindly to that accusation. Additionally, Melissa notes that Amber's husband Jim (deemed "pencil dick" by Joe Gorga and "fucking Jimmy the geek" by Juicy) is reluctant to be around Juicy, given his federal indictment.

Teresa is hurt by people judging her family without knowing them, to which I say then don't go on national TV when you know there is a 98% chance that your husband will a) call you the C word on camera; b) eventually get arrested for like twelve things. And this seems as good a time as any to recount the obligatory scene in every episode this season featuring: 1) Milania yelling something inappropriate (the best this time is, "Keep your money in your bra!" while digging through approximately six pounds of change); 2) Juicy saying "yous" rather charmingly (this time it's, "What are yous always yelling about?"); 3) Teresa and Juicy reiterating the value of family to anyone who will listen and/or may potentially be involved in their sentencing; 4) Teresa crying (this time it's ostensibly at the portrait of the entire Giudice clan, but really because no eye can emerge from the weight of all that blue shadow unscathed).

Anyway, this party. So, Nicole and her firefighter boyfriend Bobby are throwing it not to raise money for first responders, but to "raise awareness." Of truculent stipper-esque policewomen?

I'm on board with that, I suppose. There does seem to be some confusion about exactly what constitutes a first responder, given that Juicy comes in a random sharp business suit, Kathy Wakile is dressed as cannoli filling, and cousin Rosie shows up as a sniper. Rosie says, "If I find a terrorist, I'm gonna jump off a building, right? And I'm gonna get his neck and I'm gonna crack it, you know what I mean?" With Rosie on high alert, we as a nation can finally can rest assured that Homeland Security has GOT THIS.

So, before Amber and Jim even arrive at the party there is much discussion about them, and Nicole and Twin-Teresa are clearly ready to at least attempt an implant-popping. And it literally only takes, like, 90 seconds from the time of Amber's arrival for all this to happen:

Girls! It's only episode four! Slow it down a little! And if you're going to try so hard, at least cheat to the cameras in such a manner that we can see who grabbed whose hair first! It is very difficult to tell what even happened, but what we do know is that there is hair pulling galore, and drink throwing, and some light to moderate slapping as well. All the while Amber denies that she spread rumors that Nicole was a homewrecker, even though we see video flashback evidence to the contrary. Melissa claims that she was attempting to be a peacemaker and not a shit-stirrer by bringing any of this up in the first place, which…riiiiiiight.

Amber marches herself upstairs in a rage and screams to Bobby that the twins are animals and this is why he hasn't yet married Nicole.

The sad truth for Amber, though, is that even with a clump of her ripped-out hair on Bobby's faux-marble countertop, no one REALLY gives a rat about her. And you all can disagree in the comments, but as of yet I just don't find her interesting in the slightest. Her husband Jim, however, is a bit of a different matter. Jim explains to us several times that he's an expert in mortgage-backed security fraud cases…you know, like the one in which Juicy Giudice has been indicted. He feels it's best for everyone if he keeps a healthy distance from Juicy and Teresa. And though he's kind of a dick about it, you can't exactly blame him.

But the Joes take plenty of offense, and it turns out twin-Teresa's husband Rino is no fan of Jim either. So when all the dudes confront Jim about being a jerk-off, he gets REAL close to Joe Gorga's ear and says, "I work with the same fucking attorney general that's prosecuting your brother in law, you dumb fuck."

OH SHIT! And while all of those words are simply just truths, especially including the "you dumb fuck" part, Joe takes some manner of offense to them. Especially the "you dumb fuck" part. And we'll get to explore that some more next week! Yay?

A few other things happened during this episode as well! Jim, Amber and family filmed yet another terrible commercial for his company, Mortgage NOW Inc.

Their son Michael directed, ostensibly because Jim wants to give his kids the opportunity to explore creative work in a way that he, a frustrated novelist who works at a company called Mortgage NOW Inc., has not been able to do. But really it's just because Michael is having too much puberty to be on camera.

And then there's Dina. Given her current separation from her husband, she's slowly facing up to a likely move out of her house. And while she's a little sad about losing her husband Tommy, she's a LOT sad about losing her fabulous shoe closet.

While Dina is yearning for some physical affection, she isn't really ready to date yet. Her assistant Luke suggests that she get a glass, um…apparatus…but Twin-Nicole does him one better by attempting to set her up with big, strapping, handsome firefighter Matt.

And I am so used to every male on this show being an absolute cretin that I think my jaw actually became unhinged every time Matt was on screen. This guy should seriously be on all promotional materials from the New Jersey Tourism Board. Dina is VERY resistant to the idea of being set up, which makes sense given that Venus is in retrograde, and even makes the bold move of NOT dressing all slutty for the first responders party. But, by her own admission, Dina is not good at "ho-ing it up," and knows that in a context where "these bitches are sparkly," she might as well just show up in scrubs.

Dina is initially not happy to make Matt's acquaintance, and thinks that it was shady of Nicole to try setting her up when she's not ready. But, it bears repeating:

I mean, come on! Eventually Matt charms her into a date, and Dina admits that it's not easy getting over Tommy, but like any red-blooded human/animal/plant matter/dust bunny she's not averse to the image of possibility of getting under Matt.

In other things that make perfect sense, we learn that Nicole and Bobby met in a Dunkin Donuts.

Next week: Joe Gorga and Jim take it outside, and Nicole and Bobby's relationship gets chillier than a Coolatta.

[Images via Bravo]

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