Tuesday, January 31, 2012

(GQ) 2. Pleasantville, NY Money changes the smell of everything, and wealthy towns where people who want to flee New York's asphalt canyons go to have gardens and lawns have scents as restricted as the covenants guarding their real estate values. Maple, oak, and pine smell cyclically different as the seasons turn, and Pleasantville's scent is based on these trees and their leaves at all stages—green, yellow, dead brown, and budding. When you close your eyes you get grass and then the smell of "America as it was," whenever that might mean for your nose. If Normal Rockwell's paintings emitted a scent, this is what it would be.

So the old P-Vegas is the second best smelling city in the ENTIRE WORLD huh? How is that even measurable? I mean don't get me wrong, I'll take the recognition. Anything to help property value, right? I guess I've just taken my crystal clear oxygen for granted these past twenty years. Not going to lie, that "America as it was" line really hits home though. I guess America as it was smelt like marijuana, pizza and nail polish.

Anyone on the twitterverse has seen it, the #thatawkwardmomentwhen trend. People detailing the awkward moments of their lives. To be honest, a lot of things are awkward but here is a list I came up with of what would truly be, the most awkward moment.

5) #thatawkwardmomentwhen you read a tweet about someone's awkward moment and it's clearly referring to you

Extreme awkwardness here. It may not seem like it but take a second and think about it. You know that whatever moment they are referring to was already awkward to begin with, and it involved you. You walk away like "well that was awkward" and try to forget about it. Then BOOM, immediately after a tweet about how awkward it actually was coming from that person and now everyone knows. Kicking the level of awkwardness up a notch.

4) #thatawkwardmomentwhen you see your one night stand from last night out again the next night

Prototypical awkward moment here. You guys make eye contact, no one knows what to do, especially if there was some drunk sloppy sex the night before, possibly a blackout or two involved. Maybe she doesn't look as good as she did last night when you were 15 jack and cokes deep? Do you give the courteous hello and small talk? Do you just avoid her? Do you try and bring her home again? What if she's with a different guy? Just so many additional factors to increase the level of awkwardness.

3) #thatawkwardmomentwhen you're talking shit about someone and they're standing right behind you

We've all seen it in the movies. Someone is talking shit, possibly screaming about the other person. Then the person talking shit finally realizes through a series of cues that the the person who is the brunt of all the shit talking is directly behind the shit talker. Then they turn around. Never actually happened to me in real life but I feel this has to be extremely awkward. At the very least there's a verbal confrontation, possibly a physical scuffle, maybe a ruined friendship.

2) #thatawkwardmomentwhen someone farts in a room full of people and everyone looks to you

Always awkward especially if you didn't fart. If you were the perpetrator, its more or less just embarrassing rather than awkward but if you didn't do it, so awkward. All these thoughts running through your head like "why do they think its me", you're sitting there trying to blame other people to prove that it's not you. If it's particularly raunchy people are plugging their noses, possibly leaving the room or passing out where they stand. Even worse if it's in front of girls.

DRUMROLL

1) #thatawkwardmomentwhen you walk in on your parents having sex

Most awkward moment possible. Never happened to me but what could possibly be more awkward than this? Family dinners will never be the same. Images engraved in your head. Possible nightmares. Parents don't even know how to approach you afterwards. Afraid to even give them hugs anymore. If there's a more awkward moment than this please, someone, let me know.

It's a good thing LeBron's dunk happened first so he could at least have a couple of days to bask in the lime light. Because once Big Daddy Blake showed up to this dunk party it was a wrap. Lebron's oop was insane but at the end of the day John Lucas is only 5'11. Kendrick Perkins is a 6'10 enforcer and Griffin just tea-bagged him like a cup of Lipton.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Once more into the fray,Into the last good fight I’ll ever know,Live and die on this day ...Live and die on this day ...

If
one looks at ‘The Grey’ and sees Liam Neeson kicking wolf ass, you’d be
correct. Perception is our reality. We tend to know the thespian
Neeson as Oscar Schindler, Rhas al Ghul, Qui Gon Jin, Rob Roy, Darkman
and an overall resident badass. Neeson has become so ingrained as a
contemporary yet grittier Steve McQueen that with ‘Taken’ and ’Unknown’
we expect him to unleash his animal rage and kill wolves using MacGyver
–esque nuances. And let’s be honest, when we see Liam run at the
wolves with mini-liquor bottles between his knuckles, our own carnal
ambitions come forward and all of a sudden we become Michael Vick. Fuck
those wolves. I went into this film expecting the typical man vs.
beast flick that translates so well in ‘The Edge’ and ‘Jaws’. What I
got was so much more.

Very
rarely do movies leave you feeling so overwhelmed with thought and
contemplation that you want to just sit down in a dark corner and polish
off a bottle of Woodford Reserve by yourself. Ok, maybe that just
happens to me, but ‘The Grey’ is an intense sermon. It’s a last prayer
in the religion of survival and a hymn to the resounding belief that we
all can overcome obstacles if we keep fighting. Neeson draws upon the
emotion of his wife and her memory as we collect his characters flaws
and core. Another flashback is between him and his father. Ironically,
Neeson draws upon the happiest memories he has in the most perilous of
situations he’s a part of. It lends us to see an acceptance of death.
He’s willing to succumb, but why doesn’t he?

It
is a survival story. Seven men survive a plane crash and decide to
hike out of the Alaskan tundra as wolves begin to attack them and weaken
their union. A colorful cast of characters keep ‘The Grey’ fresh with
diversity of opinion, beliefs, and personalities. Conflicts between
some of the men and... how a few of them meet their end... remind us
that we all approach stress... and the end of our lives in very
different ways. Some pass away in the quiet of the night, some quit,
some try, but fall up shirt.... and then there are those who despite all
hardship, keep fighting. It’s a powerful allegory for the times we
live in. If this film feels like its summed up in the entire line of
‘No Fear’ t-shirts... you could be right. But the power of resiliency
is arguably one of the most inspiring attributes an individual can
possess. We all have to ask why Neeson keeps fighting, and its
certainly open for interpretation... but we know that he is at peace...
being at war.

We
all have wolves in our lives, we have blizzards, and rivers blocking
our path. We have experienced crashes and survived dire straights.
With death (and taxes) being the only certainty the rest of us will all
experience... it seems that we all have a choice. As the poem Neeson
recites frequently throughout the film ends... our choice is relatively
clear....Live and die on this day ...

Instead of opting for the more tradition resume/interview
route to seek employment, our favorite scorned tweeter has taken to the keyboard in his latest attempt to make a comeback to the big show. This time
around his team of choice is the Boston Red Sox, who last I checked, weren’t in
the market for a 47 year old rat who hasn’t played professionally in over a
decade (No, Yuma doesn’t count). He claims to have batted .350 lifetime with 1
HR for every 9 plate appearances in his career at Fenway. Not sure if there is any
way to verify these numbers, but if I were Jose, I wouldn't quit my day job.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Last week we went 12
rounds with cinema heavyweights and only one film stood tall, and brain damaged,
screaming at the top of his lungs "ADRIEN!!!!." The winner was Rocky
IV, proving that the 2 Man Weave does not have any Russian readers.
Rocky IV landed one of those wild hay-makers that sounds like a whip
cracking on the rest of the opposition by grabbing 37% of the vote.
Once again the winner that the readers of the weave have selected may not have
been the most critically acclaimed of the group, but it was certainly
deserving nonetheless.

We now move on to the
next division of films in this tournament to crown the Best Sports Movie of All-Time.
This time we’re here to break down the only films on the list to take place on
a big sheet of ice. That's right Hockey, the sport from up north. Hockey is the
only legitimate team sport that allows fighting in the middle of the
game. It also has some of the greatest underdog stories to ever occur in sports,
both in real life and on the big screen.

Miracle

When the general public thinks about the greatest moments in hockey history, you’ll be hard pressed to find an answer that isn't the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team. Simple known as the " Miracle on ice" this might not just be the best hockey moment ever, but the best sports moment of all time. It would be pretty hard to create a better story than this one. That's why "Miracle" is such an amazing sports movie in the first place. This is one of the very rare occasions where a true story ends up being more unbelievable than a made up screenplay could ever be. A group of young unknowns college kids take down the Titans the sport. Just like Rocky IV, Mother Russia is challenged once again by a smaller and less physically imposing opponent. The hardest part of this movie is trying to figure out what the hell half of the players are saying, and they are AMERICAN. The Beantown accents are a plenty in this one. This movie will jack you up and make you want to skate around your local rink with blood all over your face and a American Flag draped on your back during some poor little girls birthday party and you’ll do it AGAIN....AGAIN......AGAIN....AGAIN. (N.M.)

Mighty Ducks

The premise of this
movie could be very dark if you think about it. Scumbag lawyer gets a DUI and
is forced to take a group of kids and turn them into a championship hockey
squad against their will. But it’s a Disney movie so everyone is happy and
everything works out in the end. First off this was made when Emelio Estevez
was a legitimate movie star, oh how far we have come. This movie played every stereotype
to the T- it has the CAPTAIN (CHARLIE CONWAY), THE BLACK KID (JESSE HALL,
HE WAS ALSO THE BLACK KID IN SANDLOT). The New/Rich kid (ADAM BANKS) and the
kid I always got compared too or pigeon holed into THE FAT KID (GOLDBERG). This
consummate rag tag group of kids will face-off against the dreaded Hawks. The
former team of Coach Bombay and the creepiest part is that his coach is still
hanging around little kids all the time. This was and still is one of my
favorite movies of all time. It is so ingrained in my thought process of sports
that when I play NHL 12 and have a breakaway I always triple deke and always
MAKE HIM MAKE THE FIRST MOVE. It’s the same reason whenever a room goes quite I
feel the need to start a good slow cheer, QUACK QUACK QUACK. (N.M.)

Mighty Ducks 2

The quack attack came back with a sequel for the ages.
They added lovable newcomers like Julie “The cat” Gavin, Bash
Brother Dean Portman, Cowboy Dwayne
Robertson, Ken Wu and the knuckle pucker- Russ Tyler. The Ducks were
inexplicably chosen to represent America in the Junior Goodwill games, where
they faced off against the evil Iceland for the Gold. Some highlights
from this film include the gang roller blading through the Mall of American,
the Bash Brother’s rocking out to BTO's “You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet”, The Iceland coach blatantly
cheap shot Esteves in front of both teams yet no one came to defend his honor,
the boys shopping for Bikini’s on Rodeo Drive and Team Trinidad’s iconic
tie-dyed jerseys. Vote for this movie if you love America. (D.C.)

Slap Shot

The saddest part of
this movie is that it’s going to get the least amount of votes. Just from the
way the voters have been selecting over the past couple of weeks I don’t think
this movie has a shot (pun intended). It’s sad because of how awesome this
movie is. It’s what major league and Bill Durham were to baseball, this movie
is everything and more to hockey. Paul Newman plays the old hockey veteran that
is still holding on for dear life, to a career that just never took off. He
takes a newcomer, Ned, under his wings and shows him the way Minor League
hockey is supposed to be played. That somehow convinces Ned that in the final
game of the year he needs to strip down to his jock strap and skate around the
rink. This among countless classic moments including anytime the original Hanson
brothers (not those pussy Mmmbop Hanson’s) make an appearance on screen makes forever
engraved this movie into the sports comedy bible. (N.M.)

MYSTERY ALASKA

Have you and your
friends ever played a game of outdoor backyard hockey and thought to yourselves
“Yea, we can beat the New York Rangers”? The answer is no, unless you live in
Mystery, Alaska. That is exactly what happens in one of the few films in
Russell Crowe's career that he doesn't kill tons of people. The most realistic
part of this movie is that when the Rangers come to the small town they start banging
everyone’s wife including the mayors. Also, it’s realistic in the fact that a
rec hockey team would never beat The Rangers and neither did this fictional
team. (N.M.)

Simply Put its DIE
HARD ON ICE. The final scene is a helicopter crashing through a stadium into
the ice itself.(N.M.)

YOUNG BLOOD

A baby faced Rob Lowe plays
Dean Youngblood, a talented young hockey player, trying to figure out the game
in the minors. It’s a pretty sick movie that isn’t mentioned a lot but the
final fight scene is ridiculous because they end up using their sticks like medieval
swords. (N.M.)

Last February the Garden was a temple of hope. The Knicks were steadily clinging to the brighter side of .500 for the first time in almost a decade and their rag tag group of over achievers were doing just that, overachieving. They were winning the games that they were supposed to win, and every now and then they'd steal one from a contender, proving that these were no longer the same bottom feeder Knickerbockers that fans had unfortunately come to expect. Their center was playing at an All-NBA level, they had a potent offense, a solid floor general and a nice rotating cast of interchangeable wings that each brought unique skill sets to the table. A foundation had been put in place, and for the first time in a long time, the future looked bright in the big city.

You know that old saying "the grass is always greener on the other side"? Well multiply it by ten and that's New York sports fans, and more specifically, New York sports management, in a nut shell. Nothing is ever good enough, moves must always be made, your team can always "improve" somehow. So when it became evident around the All-Star break last season that Carmelo Anthony would not sign an extension with the Denver Nuggets, Knicks owner James Dolan knew this was his chance to land himself a second superstar, and he would not let that opportunity pass him by.

On the surface there is no way the Knicks should have ever been in a position where the negotiating ball wasn't in their court. Carmelo wanted New York just as badly as New York wanted him. During negotiations he even implied that he would sign there as a free agent (for less money than the max extension that only Denver could offer) in the summer of 2011 if a deal didn't get worked out before the deadline. But then some rumors started to fly, most notably Andrew Bynum for Melo, and Dolan began to inch closer and closer to that dreaded panic button.

Donnie Walsh, the team's GM at the time, took a more cautious approach, advising the team to hold out for a fair offer or test their luck in the free agent market that summer. Donnie had been brought in to make up for the decade of incompetence that had taken place before his arrival, and worried that by showing their poker hand too early, Dolan would go all in. After all, stars sell in this league, and it's not every day you get the chance to send out two of the games most recognizable figures onto the court, night in and night out, for years to come.

So sure enough, against the wishes of the team's General Manager, Dolan signed off on a pre-deadline deal that sent rising star Danilo Gallinari, starters Wilson Chandler and Raymond Felton, along with Timofey Mosgov and a first round pick to the Denver Nuggets for Carmelo Anthony and some pieces. It was a rushed decision, but one that could certainly be justified. The Knicks had pulled the trigger.

And it backfired.

The Carmelo Anthony experiment thus far has been a roller coaster of mundane highs and far too many lows. Hell, in Melo's first month alone the team went on a seven game winning streak and a six game losing streak. Amar'e's production dropped significantly, Fields became a shell of himself and lack of depth became a crippling factor that would ultimately lead to their demise. They got swept by a decaying Boston team, a series that saw them get blown out in two laughers on their own court.

Promises were made. "Next year we'll be back better than ever". We had heard it all before. Then the lockout happened, quickly halting any opportunity for the team to gel together over the summer months. After a deal between the owners and players union was finally made in early December, the shortened free agency period began and the Knicks wasted no time in using their amnesty clause on their only true point guard (Chauncey Billups). This allowed them to then go after a lifetime 8ppg-8rpg center for the steep price of $14 million per year (Chandler) to anchor a non-existent defensive unit. The signing wasn't bad on paper, but then you realized that their coach, Mike D'Antoni, known for his fast paced, seven seconds or less offense, was heading into this season without a true point guard, a center who's useless offensively outside of ten feet and a still unsettled, ever growing, alpha dog battle between Carmelo and Amar'e.

Which leads us to present day, where the Knicks currently sit in eighth place in the Eastern Conference, a mere half game ahead of the Bucks and the lowly Cavaliers. Including the playoffs, the Knicks are 21-27 since trading for their superstar forward, Carmelo Anthony. In that same stretch, the Nuggets are 30-16 (12-5 on the year). Last year these two teams finished first and second in points per game (Den 107.5, NYK 106.5). This year not much has changed for the Nuggets, who remain tops in the league in that category at 105+, while the Knicks have regressed all the way down to 94.3.

This is due largely in part to the Knicks horrific shooting woes. In fact, only the Sacramento Kings boast a worse shooting percentage than the orange and blue. The main culprit so far has been the aforementioned Carmelo, who is shooting a career worst 40% from the field on 21+ shots per game, 6 more attempts per than Stoudemire. Meanwhile, while playing for the Knicks West in Denver, Gallinari is putting up career best in points, rebounds, assists, shooting percentage and blocks as he makes his strong case for his first of many All-Star appearances.

For New York the excuses have been plentiful, and although some have been warranted, it can't be overstated enough that the Knicks put themselves in this position, and have no one else to blame for their ineptitudes. By not calling Denver's bluff eleven months ago, the Knicks essentially chose their own fate. Had they waited the situation out, their best case scenario would have been playing the 2012 season with Amar'e, Melo (With Curry/Jeffries off the book, they would have been able to afford to give Melo a max contract last summer), Gallinari, Chandler, Felton, Mosgov, Douglas, Fields, Shumpert and Harrellson.
The worst case scenario would have been bringing back that same early 2011 nucleus (a nucleus that went 28-26 as a unit), with a mid-level free agent (think Kris Humpries and his 10 rpg at $8 mil) and ample cap room to make a run at Dwight or Deron Williams in summer of 2012. Now the fate of their season rests in the hands, and stomach, of Baron Davis.

By now it's painfully obvious that at the very least the Amar'e/Carmelo duo is not playing out as originally hoped. The offense looks stale, Melo is chucking and Amar'e is disappearing late in games for the first time in his career. It could be the coach, it could be the (lack thereof a) point guard, it could be something as simple as not even having a full year to get used to playing with each other. Whatever the reason ends up being, they owe it to the players to let this thing play out.

If I could go back in time would I "ok" the Melo deal? No. But we can't go back in time (yet, at least) so for now I think what's best for the Knicks would be to work with what they've already got. I don't think it's fair to dangle Amar'e's name out there like a carrot every time a disgruntled superstar requests to be traded off their team. You, James Dolan, made your grave, now it's time to lay in it. Or better yet, dig your team out of it! A foolproof way of doing this would be by surrounding your stars with capable, or at the very least competent, role players and a coach who knows how to run a set offense. Figure out who the go to guy is on this team, make it known, but also explain how important whoever the #2 is to whomever it ends up being, and how crucial they are to the teams ultimate success. This guessing game we're in the midst of now isn't going to fix itself without some leadership and guidance from up top.

One last word of advice for James Dolan- at the very least let the gun powder wash off your hands before pulling the trigger again.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Not going to lie, this is only the second "Sh*t People Say" video that I've seen. Been avoiding these suckers like the black plague and to be honest I'm not really sure why. I guess I just assumed that were corny if everybody else was obsessing over them. Oh well, I'll take the L on this one, and will be sure to post any other favorites that I come across. The floodgates have officially been opened.

Much like its predecessors Music Videos That Don't Suck and Awesome 90's Songs You May Have Forgotten, Weave Gotcha Covered is a new music feature we'll be putting out from time to time to shine some light on our favorite musical covers from years past. How many times do you end up listening to a cover a think "Whoa, this blows the original out of the water?" I'd say this happens roughly 8% of the time, but when it does, god damn it can be good. Our inaugural installment features Jeffrey Gaines covering Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes." This song was immortalized by John Cusack's boombox toting performance in the classic 80's film Say Anything. Gaines' cover does this song justice and then some, as he beats away on his 6 string like it owes him money.

For the second time
in just four years, the New England Patriots and New York Giants will be facing
off for a shot a Super Bowl glory and the highly coveted Vince Lombardi trophy.
Although many of the central pieces remain from that February 2008 duel,
including quarterbacks Tom Brady & Eli Manning and coaches BillBelichick & TomCoughlin, this time around
the script has changed. No longer are the Patriots the undefeated, double
touchdown favorites, world beaters that they once were. In fact it's the Giants
won this match-up when these two teams faced off in week 9, prevailing 24-20 in
week 9, in a thriller that set the stage for this colossal rematch.

Admittedly,
both teams needed a stroke of good fortune to advance on Sunday. For the
Patriots it was BillyCundiff,
who missed a 32 yard field goal for the Baltimore Ravens in the closing seconds
of regulation, essentially sealing the deal for New England. Had the kick gone
in, we would have been looking at overtime. Instead, the Pats won 23-20.

The Giants good fortune came at the expense of Kyle Williams, the second
year wide-out for San Francisco. Filling in for the injured TedGinnJr., Williams fumbled twice fielding
punts, including a crucial drop in overtime that led to the game winning field
goal by Lawrence Tynes. Journey man and special teams expert, Devin Thomas,
recovered both fumbles for Big Blue, the games only turnovers. The latter
recovery, coming in overtime, gave the Giants possession at the S.F.
24 yard line, barring eerie similarities to when they intercepted
BrettFavrein overtime of the 2008 NFC
Championship, setting them up for a game winning drive at the Packers 34.

With
the win, Eli Manning became thewinningestroad playoff quarterback of all-time,
and TomCoughlintied former Cowboys coach Tom Landry
for most road playoff victories with seven. For the Patriots, it's just more of the
same- as this marks their fifth AFC title in a dozen years. However, it's
the unfinished business from Super BowlXLIIthat still looms heavy over anypre-title
celebration.

Things will certainly be
different this time around. One example of this is the emergence of
RobGronkowskiand Aaron Hernandez, two deadly tight
ends that have helped elevate New England's offense to never before seen
heights. For the Giants, their staple of getting a strong four man pass rush
remains, it's just the players that have changed, with JasonPierre-Paul filling the void left by MichaelStrahannicely. And despite not having David Tyree there to
make any game saving helmet catches, they will have Victor Cruz, and Giants fans are perfectly fine with that.

Friday, January 20, 2012

(Roto World) Eddy Curry, who is said to have been as large as 400 pounds at times in the past few years, stepped on an NBA court for the first time since 2009 and finished with six points on 2-of-3 shooting with three rebounds in six minutes.

In honor my favorite bank robber fat ass making his return to the N.B.A. last night, I figured now would be an appropriate time to dig up my favorite article the NY Post has ever published. It's from January 13th, 2009, titled "Guy Driver: Eddy Curry Put Moves On Me". It talks, in graphic detail, of Curry's alleged sexual come on's towards his ex-limo driver, Dave Kutchinsky. I dare you to read the following excerpt and not laugh. You can't.

"Knicks center Eddy Curry was slapped with a shocking sex-harassment suit Monday by his former driver, who claims the 6-foot-11 hoopster tried to solicit gay sex from him.The stunning court papers claim Curry, a married father of three, repeatedly approached chauffeur David Kuchinsky "in the nude," allegedly telling him, "Look at me, Dave, look" and "Come and touch it, Dave."

Curry also made Kuchinsky perform "humiliating tasks outside the scope of his employment, such as cleaning up and removing dirty towels [Curry had ejaculated into] so that his wife would not see them," the Manhattan federal court suit says.

Kuchinsky, who is straight and Jewish, also alleges racial discrimination, saying that Curry hurled slurs at him including "f---ing Jew," "cracker," "white slave," "white devil" and "grandmaster of the KKK."

Kuchinsky further claims in his suit that Curry pointed a "fully loaded" gun at him on at least two separate occasions to keep him from complaining about his treatment.

"Look, I have one in the chamber," Curry allegedly said.

Kuchinsky, who worked for Curry from October 2005 through October 2008, says he was initially hired as an around-the-clock chauffeur for Curry and his family at their Burr Ridge, Ill., mansion.

But shortly after starting work, he soon found his duties fell well outside his job description and "progressively became Curry's "house-boy,'" his suit says. He is seeking $98,000 plus compensatory damages from the injured Knick, whose contract pays him $9.4 million this year. Kuchinsky says he is owed $68,000 in unpaid wages, as well as $25,000 in expenses for which Curry never repaid him.

"Instead of paying him, they discriminated against him, figuring that it would keep him there," said Kuchinsky's lawyer, Matthew Blit. "Imagine going into your boss's office ... and he stands up and drops his pants and he asks you take care of him. Those actions are unacceptable whether it's in a corporate office or a private home."

Curry, who has played just 2 minutes, 38 seconds this season because of knee injuries, declined to comment late Monday in New Orleans, where he was expected to sit out the Knicks' game against the Hornets."

This duo starts out real strong, then they crashed and burned worse than the Hindenburg. Kind of like how that 13-3 regular season record won't mean jack once the 49ers lose on Sunday to Big Blue. It's all about how you finish people. 60 minutes of hell and these guys just don't have it in them.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

I know this video is old but to be honest I couldn't care less. I was searching through some of my old YouTube favorites this morning and came across this gem that was too awesome not to post. It's from May of 2010, which if you don't remember, was the Year of Gus. The guy absolutely owned March Madness that spring with catch phrases like "Rise and fire", "BAM!", "Instant classic!" and "Whatta game!'. Hands down my favorite part of this video is when "One Shining Moment", the staple song that signifies the end of the tournament each year, starts playing and it's just a close up of this dogs doofy ass, deer-in-the-headlights face. Had to run this back like 6x and each time I laughed harder than before.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

We’re back like Jordan
wearing the four-five in our quest to find the best sports movie of all-time. Last
week’s Basketball poll proved to be a bitter debate between substance over the
nostalgia. Turns out the fans of The Weave said “Fuck Substance give me SPACE
JAM”. Space Jam (37%) edged out White Men Can’t Jump and He Got Game (23.5% each).
Don't get me wrong I loves me a little Loony Tune on NBA action but
we’re talking about THE BEST here. I added it to the list knowing that it would
be a crowd favorite but to be honest I didn't think it would win. I
underestimated how much people actually do connect with a 3ft tall animated
bunny over a semi-true story of an underdog basketball team from Indiana (i.e.
Hoosiers got Hosed). This in no way, shape or form is a knock on Space Jam, I
just don't think it is the best basketball movie of all-time. But
like they say “that’s why we play the game” and at the end of the day
it doesn't matter what I think, it matters what YOU people vote for.
Keep in mind when you are voting that each movie that wins it’s respective category
will be placed into the running in our final poll to select the BEST SPORTS
MOVIE OF ALL-TIME.

This week we hit the
mat with the Sweet Science. Yes folks boxing, the most refined way to beat the
fuck out of somebody for a payday. Boxing is amazing for the fact that two guys
will stand in a square across from each other and just punch and be punched without
actually breaking out into an all out brawl (although sometimes it leads to a spontaneous
meal, cough cough Iron Mike). What makes boxing such a great sport for a movie
is the drama that goes into a fight between two men, both of which are probably
paying for 3 alimony checks and or to support their addiction (i.e. drugs,
gambling or whores). This heightened drama is brought out by the fact
that no boxer is ever normal, most of them are usually fucked up and
are fighting to keep themselves out of jail and or trying to support a family
during the great depression. The boxing category is far and away our
most critically acclaimed, with many of the below films nabbing multiple Oscar
victories. DING DING DING! Here are our nominees.

Rocky

We start off with
the original Heavyweight Champ- Rocky. This is the first Boxing Movie
to win the big one. It won the 1976 Best Picture award at the Oscar’s and simultaneous changed
the direction of Sly Stallone's career from soft-core porn star
to legitimate movie Star. This movie is the framework for any
story of a fictional, down on his luck boxer, looking for his big break. He is
found by an old, and I mean old,
boxing trainer Mick, played by Burgess Meredith, the guy who played penguin in
the original batman movie from the 60's. Together this pairing took
the boxing world by storm. Enter Apollo Creed, played by Carl Weathers, who is
looking to fill his New Years Day bout card with an unknown local
underdog. He selects Rocky on the basis of Rocky's nick name, The Italian Stallion,
which oddly enough sounds like it might have been Stallone's porno name before hitting
it big. In the end, Rocky loses this classic bout to Apollo that nearly goes
the distance. A battered and bloody Rocky screams at the top of his lungs for
the one thing he truly cares about- ADRIENNNNNN. It’s such a simple underdog
story that resonates with everyone. Everybody just wants that one chance to
prove that they can hang with the best, and that’s what Rocky did for SIX
FUCKING MOVIES. After numerous sequels and a shit ton of dough, this movie has
had such an impact on our social conscience that Philadelphia actually
built a statue resembling the one in the movie. Joe Frazier is from Philadelphia,
and is a real boxer, yet Philly opted to immortalize the fictional Stallone character
instead. THAS RAYCESS… Personally, my fav is Rocky III, but this one brought
home the hardware and started it all. This movie eats lighting and craps
thunder, just like Mick said. (-N.M.)

Raging Bull

In one of the greatest all-time Oscar snubs Raging Bull lost a bout to Ordinary People, a movie none of us have ever seen or will see in
our future. Raging Bullon the other hand is a how-to on how to make an
incredible boxing film. I'm not just saying this because Marty Scorsese is my
second cousins great uncle (true story) but because it legitimately is considered
by many as not only the best boxing movie, or the best sports movie, but simply one of the best films ever made. Dinero won best actor for his role
because of his incredible transformation into the character Jake Lamatta. Before Christian Bale was sucking weight for some indie flick or Hugh Jackman was buffing up for Wolverine, Dinero did it first . Dinero has claimed to have gained close to 60 pounds
to play the fat version of Jake Lamatta, but also lost it all and get ripped for the boxing scenes. That's dedication to the craft my friends. Simply put, even if this film isn't selected it will always be considered one of the
best movies of all time. Hands down best scene is when Dinero gets Joe Pesci to slap the
shit out of him (-N.M.)

Rocky 4

The quarto installment that proves trilogies don’t always get it right. While you can say the Clubber Lang installment is one of the lesser in the series, one cannot ignore the deplorable fifth film. Tommy Gunn can suck nuts. That being said, without the bitter the sweet just isn’t as sweet, right? The gem that shines between the latter mentioned two turds is a beacon of hope in the darkness of growing communism. Rocky 4 represents the 80’s zeitgeist which had everyone bleeding red, white and blue and screaming in orgasmic unison ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! Rocky 4 redefined patriotism in film and thus redefined boxing films. Between the line of propaganda and sentiment we root for Rocky harder this time. Not just because he’s the proverbial horse to bet on, with that inspirational underdog story. We root for him because were at war, and he’s the last, best hope for a peaceful victory before mutually assured destruction blows us all to kingdom come. So raise a Budweiser, wear a flannel and relive the Reagan era as the Italian Stallion goes toe to toe with Ivan… America, fuck yeah. (-Z.S.)

The Hurricane

Denzel Washington plays Rubin "Hurricane" Carter, a boxer who is stripped of his title and falsely imprisoned on murder charge.
Sounds like Oscar gold right? Wronggg- he got snubbed, and subsequently ended up winning the Oscar the following day for his performance in Training Day (the academy's equivalent of a "make up" call). I personally think he should have won for The Hurricane. This movie reminds me of Shawshank Redemption mixed with someboxing
and racial tension. This story of Hurricane Carter is actually the basis for my favorite Bob Dylan song. (-N.M.)

The Fighter

The Fighter is the true story of Lowell's own, Mickey Ward's, raise to fame. But the movie itself is about so much more than that. Like all boxing movies, it's about over coming adversity, but in this case, I would say it's primarily a story about family. Dickie Ward (Bale), a man once famous for knocking down Sugar Ray Lenard, believes he is being filmed by HBO to document his comeback, when in reality they're there to film his demise, in the appropriately titled "High On Crack Street". Promises are broken, arrests are made and tempers run high, but at the end of this movie- Irish is king. Melissa Leo and Christian Bale both took home Oscar's for Best Supporting Actor/Actress, and 21st century Rocky was born. (-D.C.)

Cinderella Man

Cinderella man is best
described by it's title. Do you know how chicks root for Cinderella so hard to
meet her prince charming and put that glass slipper on and fall in love? Well men
do the same thing, but instead of love, they a root for a man down on his luck
fighting to save his career and feed his family during the depression. On top
of that he fights a Nazi, has it ever been easier to root for someone to win at the end of a movie? It's an awesome movie and true story Cinderella story, worthy of your time, vote and attention.

Lately we've taken to tracking some of the ridiculously low Net's tickets prices on Stubhub. Well tonight's game vs. the Golden State Warriors certainly takes the cake. That's right, for the ripe price of ONE CENT you can go to a professional (we use that term loosely) basketball game. What makes matters worse- I actually bought tickets to this game for my dad and I for Christmas, splurging on some lower level seats for like twenty bucks each. I'll be live tweeting from the game and depending on whether or not they decide to launch burritos into the stands, I may have a write up on it for you guys tomorrow. So yea, if any of you guys out there have a penny to spare, I'd be happy to take the Path out to Newark with you later.

Think about it for a second, both songs are by Sweedish DJ's (Eric Prydz & Avicii) and are adored by house fans and causal music lovers alike. They both feature incredibly catchy hooks/phrases/lyrics etc. and neither song uses more than fifteen different words throughout it's entirety (11 for Call On Me, 13 for Levels). These two songs have been used as an audio lubricant to impregnate many a female throughout the years and are fan favorites for grownups who still like to chew on pacifiers.

Even though Marvin's Room is a five minute drunk dial attempt to win back an ex-gf and Adele's sob song Someone Like You has become the anthem for scorned lovers everywhere, at it's true core these songs are far more similar then they are different. Both have past romances on their minds and although one is "just saying you could do better" while the other had "hoped you'd see my face and be reminded that for me, it isn't over", it's evident that both artists are longing for the past and holding onto something that so clearly isn't there anymore. Although the fact that Drake's already had sex four times this week leads me to believe that's he's coping with the breakup a tad better than our multi-chinned friend from across the pond.

I'm sorry (I'm not sorry) but this is something that I just needed to put out there in the ether and see what my fellow weavers think this. Both of these songs make my insides tingly for all the wrong reasons. I'm going to give Owl City the benefit of the doubt and just proclaim them as the worlds shittiest band since this was their first single and subsequently every other song I've ever heard by them not only sounds identical, but sucks identical as well. I swear every time one of their songs starts playing on my "Pumped Up Kicks" Pandora station I do a mad dash to the "next" button.

But Maroon 5 on the other hand, what the fuck happened to you guys? As questionable as it may look in retrospect, I was a huge fan of these guys in high school. "She Will Be Loved", "This Love" and "Sunday Morning" were all quality songs. Moves Like Jagger makes me jealous of Nathan from Angry Boys. I find myself legitimately wishing that I was deaf. It's far and away the cheesiest, most sell-outish song I've ever heard. I have nothing else to say. It's time to move (like Jagger) on.

(NWFDW) A man was charged with a felony after smearing iguana “poop” on the face of a teenager. Carl Pfeifer, 53, was arrested Dec. 30 for incidents that took place on June 8, 2011. He threw a beer
bottle at a teenager. The bottle hit the victim’s arm and ricocheted
off of his face. The teenager did not retaliate. Pfeifer walked out of the room then returned with a tray that had
iguana feces on it. He struck the teenager in the head with the tray,
which smeared the poop in the teenager’s hair. Pfeifer cursed at the
teenager. When Pfeifer was questioned about the incident, he said he had been
drinking rum the night of the incident. He also said liquor makes him a
“mean drunk” and he “may have said a few things he should not have,”
according to the arrest report.

I can see it now. Some teenager that's beginning those coveted high
school summers, probably minding his own business listening to some DMB,
maybe mingling on fb chat or rolling one up somewhere and then out
of the clear blue sky comes Carl "mean drunk" Pfeifer all sauced up on
rum and just throws a bottle at you. You shrug it off instead of leaving
or retaliating and then here comes Carl Pfeifer yet again, only this time
with his readily available tray of iguana shit and just smacks you with
it, smears the shit around in your hair, curses you out and leaves. We
all face tough choices as teenagers. What college to go to? Who to take
to the prom? Whether or not you should leave the room after some mean drunk just threw a bottle
at you or stay put and get upended with trays full of iguana shit?.
You're not gonna win them all, but I'm sure there's a moral victory in
there somewhere. I mean at least you took the tray of iguana shit on the
chin like a man right?

But on the other hand you can't really blame
Carl Pfeifer here either. I mean when I drink liquor I'm sometimes an
angry drunk and say things I don't mean. I don't go around throwing
bottles and trays of iguana shit at teenagers, but like they say, to each his own.

Monday, January 16, 2012

A calm, collected and super efficient Eli Manning led the Giants into the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field yesterday, where they cruised away with a 37-20 victory over the defending Super Bowl champions, the 15-1 Green Bay Packers. This was the fourth win in a row for Big Blue, the league's hottest team, who is catching fire at just the right time, and the seventeen point shellacking set the record for largest playoff margin of victory ever over the reigning champs.

The Giants have outscored their two opponents by a combined score of 61-22 thus far in these playoffs, and much like they did in January of 2008, they're getting it done with a dominating dose of defense and Eli. However, that's where the similarities between the two seasons stop. During that miracle playoff run four years ago the Giants eked out road victories week after week, many coming in the closing moments, en route to a Super Bowl title. This time around, the games haven't even been close.

Manning out shined soon-to-be NFL MVP Aaron Rodgers yesterday, throwing for more yards and touchdowns on fewer attempts and with greater accuracy. The Giants secondary, their long time Achilles heel, deserves much of the credit for this feat, having successfully taken away the deep ball and in turn did not allow any Packer receivers to top the fifty yard mark. They forced Rodgers to try to beat them with his feet, not his arm, and Perry Fewell's boys executed that game plan perfectly.

During the regular season no team forced more turnovers than the Green Bay Packers. Yesterday, the Giants won the turnover battle by three, and that number does not include the heavily scrutinized, second quarter Greg Jennings no fumble call that had many fans and talking heads alike up in arms. Everytime the ball hit the grass yesterday the Giants walked away with it. This includes five fumble recoveries (two got overturned) and two failed on-side kicks by Green Bay that proved to be the difference maker in the game. Big blue wanted it more, and they went out and got it, time and time again.

The most encouraging sign for the Giants moving forward is their newly found big play ability on offense. They can strike on any given down, regardless of where they are on the field. Every week it seems as if a new player is stepping up and breaking free for backbreaking long plays and this week was no different. Third year wide out Hakeem Nicks added a 66 yard score and 37 yard Hail Mary touchdown to his resume, the latter swinging momentum the Giants way for good, extending their lead to double digits heading into the half. In the 2012 playoffs alone, Nicks already has four touchdowns (a Giants playoff record) and 280 receiving yards.

The Giants now head to San Francisco in what is sure to be a grueling, hard nosed, defensive battle to the finish. These two teams met back in week 10 at Candlestick Park, and the 49ers emerged victories, 27-20. But all you have to do is open your eyes to see that this Giants team that's clicking on all cylinders now is hardly reminiscent of their mediocre, mid-season selves. They're playing like a team that's been to the promised land before, but more importantly they're playing like a team that wants to get back there. With just one game standing in their way of another trip to the Super Bowl, that dream is closer than ever before to becoming a reality. When it's all said and done, it looks like they might be Giants, once again.

Friday, January 13, 2012

I've been a fan of this chick's version of Pursuit of Happiness for a while now but this is the first time she's making an appearance on the Weave. Anyways, have a safe/drunk weekend everybody. Go Giants!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

(Cafe Mom) Here's the story: Evangelina received a ticket for $132 from police officer Chris Collins for speeding. After the cop did his, you know, job, he did some snooping. Well, actually, it wasn't really snooping since Evangelina had to give him her license when she got pulled over, but still -- he did something shady. He went to her house and left a note. A fairly adorable note, I might add.

"It's Chris ... that ugly bald Stickney cop who gave you that ticket. I know this may seem crazy and you're probably right, but truth is I have not stopped thinking about you since. I don't expect a girl as attractive as you to ... even go for a guy like me, but I'm taking a shot anyways. But hey. I did cost you $132 -- least I can do is buy you dinner."

Sure, it's a little inappropriate that he visited her house, but the self-deprecation and modesty in the note almost seem to negate it. Anyway, Evangelina was so unbelievably appalled at this behavior that she's decided to see if she can squeeze some money out of this guy.
Look. Generally, I think there is something a little ooky about cops asking women out, but something about this scenario is sort of sweet -- and I definitely don't think it warrants a lawsuit. If Collins pulled her over and told her he wouldn't write her a ticket if she agreed to have dinner with him, then that would be grounds to sue. Collins simply did his job, then asked her out on his own time in a non-creepy way (again, yes, the going to her house part was a little creepy).
Perhaps I'm growing out of touch in my old age, but, really, is it that much more inappropriate than a Starbucks barista or firefighter asking you out after doing their job? And is it really a reason to sue?

I seriously found myself having to take deep breaths as I was reading this to try calm my rage for both the cop and author of this post. I legit had to do the woosa thing from Bad Boys II. For sanity's sake, I'll dive in one at a time and start with the cop. First off, fuck this guy. This isn't the movies pal, this is real life. If you fuck someones day up and give them $132 ticket, you're on their shit list for the rest of their life. That's just how it works. And that sob story letter was the most pathetic thing I've ever read. Look, chicks dig confidence and humor, and you sir lack both. Here's a tip- don't refer to yourself as fat and bald within the first five words of you trying to ask a girl out. Also, don't pull the old "I would never expect a girl like you to go for a guy like me" line because it's bullshit. If you truly would never expect it to work then why did you write that embarrassment of a proposal up in the first place? Both figuratively and literally, this cop has some big balls. No way this guy has fired off a round of baby juice with the assistance of an actual female in years. Showing up at her house? Serious need of a reality check.

And this "reporter" Nicole Fabian-Weber is even more out of touch with reality than the cop. The title of her article was "Heartless Woman Sues Sweet Cop for Asking Her Out on a Date". Are you shitting me with that? "Sweet" cop? "Heartless" woman? What planet are you from hunny? Nothing about what that cop did was sweet, in fact I'll give you three adjectives right off the top of my head that fit him better- desperate, pathetic and douchebag. "Fairly adorable note"? I've read ransom notes that were more adorable than that. And to answer your question- YES, it is that much more inappropriate than a Starbucks barista or firefighter asking you out after doing their job. The reason being they didn't fuck you with a ticket and make you cough up hundreds of dollars unwillingly. If you were to go to Starbucks and get asked out by a barista, you asked for it by entering the store. This woman wanted nothing to do with the cop when she got her ticket and I sure as hell don't blame her for wanting nothing to do with him after reading that "boo hoo, I'm bald and ugly and nobody likes me" letter either.