Are You Ready To Be A Dad?

So you’re considering joining the Fatherhood Fraternity. Congratulations, that’s the first step on your road to unyielding happiness and insufferable agony. Before you take the plunge into the pool of responsibilities and bodily fluids that is being a dad, answer these 9 questions to see: Are you ready to be a dad?

1.) Is your wife/partner pregnant?

a) Yes
b) No
c) I’m not sure, but she asked for pickles and ice cream then cried for 45 minutes while saying “I’ve never been so happy”, then wanted to have crazy sex.

2.) Are you capable of lifting between 10 and 30 lbs. repeatedly from an awkward angle and carrying said weight for a prolonged period of time?

a) Yes
b) No
c) What? WHY? No one said there would be heavy lifting!!

3.) Have you ever cared for a small creature or houseplant?

a) Yes
b) No
c) I tried to grow some bamboo in university, but I watered it with salt water and it died.

4.) Have you ever changed a diaper in the dark while being sprayed with a garden hose?

a) Yes
b) No
c) Wait, what?

5.) Are you financially responsible?

a) Yes
b) No
c) I just need to buy one more TV and that thing that goes *BING!* and then I’ll start saving.

6.) Do you own a sports cup?

a) Yes
b) No
c) Wait, the kind you drink out of? I’m not going to get kicked in the testicles, am I?

7.) Have you ever seen a volcano erupt? Can you imagine this happening on either or both ends of a small human?

a) Yes
b) No

I don’t understand, why is this relevant?

8.) You are woken from a deep sleep by an ear piercing alarm, do you:

a) Jump out of bed to see what is wrong
b) Roll over and cover your head with a pillow
c) Beg a higher power to make it stop
d) Ask your wife/partner to investigate
e) Sleep right through it and ask everyone the next morning “What alarm?”

9.) Do you want to be a dad – do you want to love and support a helpless human being more than anything in the world? Do you want to be rewarded more than you ever thought possible, and suffer more than you thought you could endure? Are you ready to sacrifice anything to gain everything?

How did you do? Are you ready to be a dad? If you’ve made it this far you’ve got the humor, patience, and determination it’s going to take to be a dad. You’ll be fine, and don’t forget – you’re not alone!