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Y’all may have noticed that Diana’s been away from the blog for some time now. She’s been super busy doing all kinds of cool things, like starting her own company, being an auntie, and making artisanal soups (I shit you not). I don’t even get to see her as much as I’d like to these days, which makes me sad, so you can imagine how stoked I was when we got together this past criminally-hot weekend, to just soak in some rays. Soak in some rays Asian-style, that is:

For the cover of FHM Philippines’ March 2012 issue, someone thought it’d be an awesome idea to surround 20 year-old Filipina actress Bela Padilla with a group of black models. The racial message of the photo’s bad enough. Light-skinned model–or can we just say white here because that’s how it reads?– on a pedestal surrounded by dark-skinned models in subordinate positions. Then consider the fact that this is published for the Philippines, a country where it’s estimated half of the women bleach their skin.

Then there’s the caption. OH MY GOD, THE CAPTION.

After a Change.org petition was created to protest this cover, it’s been pulled and sent back into “the shadows,” back to the place where our world’s latent colonialist fantasies continue to reside, sipping their gin cocktails and lamenting “the good ol’ days.”

What you’re about to see is real. Dan Adler is not a troll. Dan Adler is a Democratic candidate running for a seat in California’s 36th congressional district. Apropos of nothing, Dan Adler’s wife is Korean.

Hardass Asian Parents, do you wish your lazy, spoiled, selfish children would show some gratitude for all the sacrifices you’ve made for them by offering up a smile now and then? Is that too much to ask???

The gadget warns of an “only slight twitch side effect,” along with an only slight your-child-hating-you-forever-and-thinking-you’re-a-sadistic-fuck-for-the-rest-of-his-or-her-life (deep breath) effect.

[UPDATE: The photo above is for a real product, albeit one that doesn't deliver electroshocks (sorry, Tiger Moms). And the text is fake and not just the result of a horrible translation. The real product, as I learned from the comments section of Neatorama, is called a Kami Kami sensor, and it counts the number of bites children make while eating their food. Which actually seems way less useful than an electroshock smile therapy tool, don't you think?]

Limbaugh–always a victim of the left–called his racist tirade “a service.” But I call it a big, sweaty, hairy back off of which even more brainless (Imagine!), more hateful, more ignorant, more racist dickburgers saw the opportunity to leapfrog, into a space much more dark, even dangerous.

So my latest troll down YouTube lane began with a link from my friend, Doug. It led to a video (removed from YouTube today) posted by an American gent in his fifties (and bearing an uncanny likeness to Captain Kangaroo). In it, he wears a custom hachimaki and dances wackily in front of the screen projection of a music video from the J-pop band Perfume. The man, who goes by the YouTube handle Perfume444, gleefully professes his longstanding love for Perfume–particularly his favorite member of the trio, A-Chan, as he makes kissing motions to her video lips. He smiles the biggest grin I’ve seen on a human being in weeks. The piece ends with a scrolling caption: “I really, really, really LOVE Perfume!!!”

I thought, instantly: DISGRASIAN. A snap judgment, yes, but I doubt I was the only one who would have made it.

But I needed to see more. So I clicked through to his YouTube channel. Quickly, I saw that Frank (Perfume444) had something to say for himself in the “About Me” section:

PERFUME 444 CHANNEL IS NOT ABOUT PEOPLE SEEING ME…ITS ABOUT ME THANKING PERFUME FOR ALL THAT THEY HAVE DONE !!!

I have been to Japan in 2003 and 2005.. I play Drums so did 2 small tours in Japan. I LOVE JAPAN !!!! I miss it so much. The Japanese People are so kind and wonderful. I really feel like my soul is Japanese. About Perfume… I got into Perfume in early 2006. I was looking for Japan stuff on youtube, all kinds of music from Japan and I found Perfume. The song Akihabalove was the first one I heard. I fell in love with that song and the girls. I watched the beehive cam on youtube and watched them grow up. So my love for them is like a father daughter love. Not sex because they were so young at the time. Even now I still see them as big kids, NOT sex objects. Anyway…about the Music… I was hooked, It was so different then anything I heard before. my all time favorite song is Seventh heaven…It all ways makes me cry. I also love Secret Secret , Foundation, computer city, Macaroni, Edge , ” jenny in a bad mood ” wonder 2, Polyrhythm,Baby cruising love , Vitamin Drop, yes Its heard to pick just one song. A-Chan is my favorite. If I was 20 yrs old I would want to marry her. But Im not ! Im 55 yrs old. But perfume music makes me feel happy and young I wish I could find some one like A-Chan. She is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. her heart and sole are heaven ! The person that marries her will be the luckiest person on earth.

Well, shit, the words were sweet as perfume. AND LITTERED WITH RED FLAGS. (Quick, another snap judgment: Frank is a full-on Nippon perv who clearly thinks of the 21 and 22-year-old members of Perfume as sex objects. I mean, hello, read the “About Me” excerpt!)