No Fun Loh

When Wallace
Loh took over as new President of the University of Maryland, few realized his
true intentions. It was a relativity smooth transition and Loh got lots of love
from all the head flunkies of this establishment. The students were forced to
accept someone they knew so very little about as their new supreme overlord and
go about their business. Honestly most students could care less and acted as if
nothing had really happened. Those students were unfortunately in for a subtle,
yet distinct change in their schooling experience.

A few years ago here, the stereotypical college life could be
attained by receiving that ever prestigious acceptance letter. Once you moved
into the cramped, jail like dorm room shared with someone that was picked
through the algorithm of Eeny Meeny Miny Moe off an endless list, your college
dream life began. You were thrust into a
world of all nighters, enormous parties filled with eye candy and freedom
abound. It was a glorious time indeed. These times however might be short lived
for some of the younger students now. Loh is slowly but surely making his
changes to the University noticed.

The act that caught the majority of the student population’s
eye was the sudden slashing of 8 division I sports teams. The reason cited was
that there was a lack of funding for these teams and the athletics department
was already in enough debt. However, Loh decided that there was enough money to
throw 30 grand in the pig pen. He authorized the school to give the police department
a 30,000 dollar grant to help “cut down on off campus parties.” He is right
though, it is a huge problem. Students gathering to release a little stress
after a long week of work is a menace to society and should be stopped at all
costs. Never mind the semi nightly robbings and assaults that occur just off
campus, the police should focus all their energy on those pesky partiers. It
might even be necessary to have a helicopter with a searchlight on it to detect
parties. What’s that you say? They already did that? Well I can crumple up this
suggestion note then. Just another example of how the man is trying to keeping
us down. If we give them an inch they will take a mile.

With recent crack downs on other social aspects of the
university as well such as Greek life and off campus housings, it is only a
matter of time before Big Brother will be watching us all very closely.
Apparently fun is a luxury we are no longer allowed to pay tens of thousands of
dollars for.

Water Balloon fights are a time honored tradition that have been happening at daycare centers and camps alike. However the best place to have one is at college when the majority of girls are wearing white tees. I was recently a bystander for one of these amazing spectacles and I highly recommend trying to... MORE »

Finals suck. Everyone spends all week in the library, cracked out on adderall, emailing study guides, drinking energy drinks, cracked out on adderall, downloading new study music, and getting grades that don’t quite cut it (while cracked out on adderall). But the under-the-radar, shittier version of finals is midterms. Why? Because I’ve got shit to... MORE »

I know women’s fashion about as well as Lebron James knows championships, but I’m under the impression that these bandeau-things are relatively new. They are slowly creeping into the wardrobes of skinny, hot girls across the east coast and probably elsewhere. Before I explain how they suck more than the entire Colts backup QB’s combined,... MORE »

When Anne and Jonas Beiler of Auntie Anne’s famous pretzels first bought a stand at a local farmers market in Pennsylvania, they were thinking of starting a counseling service for the locals. After that fell through, it makes more than enough sense that they would then take the most logical next step: start making pretzels.... MORE »

Water Balloon fights are a time honored tradition that have been happening at daycare centers and camps alike. However the best place to have one is at college when the majority of girls are wearing white tees. I was recently a bystander for one of these amazing spectacles and I highly recommend trying to... MORE »

When Anne and Jonas Beiler of Auntie Anne’s famous pretzels first bought a stand at a local farmers market in Pennsylvania, they were thinking of starting a counseling service for the locals. After that fell through, it makes more than enough sense that they would then take the most logical next step: start making pretzels.... MORE »