Having watched these two episodes last week, I’m not super in the mood to watch them again to recap them, so let’s start with a “too long, did not read” version: The entire two hours were spent with two apparent goals: getting rid of ONE contestant, and fawning all over Luca.

I’m way too ADD for this crap…

Anyway. the first episode had the contestants cooking for 101 firemen, as their team challenge. Immediately, I’m happy to see that Bethy Rossos is getting more face time. For as interesting as she is, the show has done pretty much NOTHING with her.

I mean, this girl is an archer, hunts her own meat, just MADE a gorgeous wooden bow. She’s Greek, is always posting amazing looking Greek food (The show makes a big deal of the Italian cooks each year, but not a lot is said about other backgrounds!), and she was the host of a show called “Adrenaline Hunter” that just won an Emmy. But hey, let’s just ignore her in favor of a bunch of name calling and forced drama.

Then we have a bunch of fluff about how awesome Walmart is. Yay for product placement? I’m pretty sure that my MasterChef roomie – Alexandra – is still traumatized by being forced to carry a big Walmart logo bag in the opening scenes of the audition rounds!

First person chosen is Lynn. If I recall correctly, this isn’t the first time, and for good reason. Absolutely everything Lynn has posted online looks ridiculously amazing, and what little we’ve been shown of his stuff on the show is much of the same. I have NO idea why they’ve shown so little of him. Does America really prefer watching the judges prance around, and the focus on BS drama… over actual cooking? I’m really disappointed. Lynn is a culinary *Artist*.

“Banqueting is like the medical school of restaurants” – Wow, Joey. I honestly don’t even know where to START with that ridiculousness.

Anyway.

I find it weird MasterChef professes to encourage professional food dreams – and makes comments like Joey’s – but actively discourages contestants from acting as they would in pro kitchen.

In restaurants – and in medical school, for that matter! – people wear gloves. People tie their hair back, and people wear hair nets (or surgical caps, if we’re continuing the med school analogy!). Whether restaurants or med school, people realize that physical or biological contamination is a huge issue, and one that must actively be avoided.

In MasterChef, we see long hair worn loose, sometimes dipped in the food. We see people touching their hair or face, and then going right back to preparing food, without even washing their hands. While this is certainly not unique to this challenge – or this season – it’s an interesting contrast to all of the talk about how these firemen are America’s heroes, should be treated with respect, etc. Prepare them an amazing meal, but don’t tie your hair back! Got it…

This challenge makes me think of Mark Famiano, one of the 100 finalists – Cleveland Fireman. TOTAL sweetheart! Check out his audition video, here

So one plate’s missing sauce, Joe grabs the plate to go yell at the contestants, and one of the most hilariously disgusting MasterChef moments ever happens:

As Joe Bastianich yells “DO I SPEAKING ENGLISH!?”, he spits all over a bunch of steaks to be served to the firemen.

Way to respect your heroes, Joey.

So Bime’s team loses, and he does NOT want to save himself. I respect that, the show does not (obviously), so they make him “safe”. He further displays commendable sportsmanship by “saving” the person who he actually felt performed the best, rather than playing strategy to benefit himself. Good on you for showing some honour, Bime! There is NOT enough of this on this show, in popular media, or in society.

The pressure test is making Eggs Benedict, and it’s just a boiling pot of bizarre at this point. For some reason, Gordon carries on about how the Hollandaise sauce should be made first. Um. No.

Is he deliberately misleading contestants, or is he not a logistics person? I have no idea. Poach the egg first, shock it & hold it in cold water to stop the cooking process, and reheat it in some hot water right before serving. The Hollandaise should be made as close to serving time as possible, or it’s far more likely to break. At BEST, it’ll cool to a much thicker texture – which would be fine AFTER plating, given the logistics of judging… but you don’t want to spoon congealed sauce over your egg.

Bottom line: Always start with the most time-stable element!

One thing that’s really tiresome about this show is the forced “suspense” that’s supposed to enable “shockers”. If a team is being shown as being strong, blah blah.. they’re going to lose. Beth gets some face time talking about how she makes Eggs Benedict all the time? She’s going to fail miserably.

The show does a good job of keeping things inversely proportionate (The bigger the brag, the uglier the fail), but I’m not sure that’s something to be commended. It’s weird that they’re so threatening about spoilers and such, but spoil everything themselves – whether showing the results of last week’s challenge before the audition episode even aired, or by making it patently obvious what’s going to happen with challenges, before people are even finished cooking.

Loads of attention is given to Krissi botching her sauce. LOADS.

As is their pattern, Beth screws up royally, Krissi comes out on top, and Bri – the vegetarian who says she’s never poached an egg – also comes out on top. Yawn. It would be nice if they weren’t so heavy handed with it all, and employed even a little bit of subtlety.

As a preview of the ridiculousness to come in the second episode of the night, Ramsay declares the remaining 4 people to be leaving the kitchen for another elimination challenge.

Second episode starts, and they’re in Vegas for the first of two challenges.

They have them cooking burgers in a “real” restaurant, Gordon Ramsay’s Burgr (I hate that spelling, it pains me to type it and see the little red “you misspelled this!” indicator!)

Once again, reality tv apparently is exempt from common food preparation ordinances, and we’re treated to more bare hands, loose hair, face touching, etc. So freaking gross. I’m disappointed that the judges didn’t put their foot down, even if producers wanted contestants to wear their hair down. Also, seriously – how would wearing gloves take away from anything? So gross. I’m in the process of planning a trip to Vegas this fall, after seeing this… I know where I will NOT be eating. I wonder how the diners feel about this episode of MasterChef, watching the utter lack of food prep hygiene… especially in an expensive restaurant (It’s a burger joint, but apparently the average entree is $25 = expensive).

I have to laugh at Gordo saying “welcome to my world”. I would love to know when he last worked in a kitchen, he has something like 20 shows!

Blah blah, I can’t handle watching this again – I value my few remaining brain cells too much – so I’m going from memory on the rest of this.

This episode was hard to watch, because it was mostly a whole lot of Gordon screaming at the contestants. So much for the “This show is positive and encouraging” and “The softer side of Gordon Ramsay”. Blech!

Interestingly enough, while cooking burgers… there is NO mention of how awesome Walmart’s beef is. 🙂

Luca and Kathy lose the burger challenge… so they have THEM do *another* challenge: butter poached lobster.

One thing that stuck out to me when the challenge was announced was the lead up to it. The judges (probably Ramsay, IIRC) carried on about how this was one of the most expensive, luxurious ingredients in the world. Um.. No.

There are SO many food items that are far more rare, exotic, luxurious, etc. Hell, in one of the past seasons, contestants were each given – EACH – a $500 truffle to work with. I can’t even imagine…

Lobster? Lobster is great, and yeah, a little on the spendier side. You know, when you compare it to Walmart steak, anyway. You can usually find a decent lobster tail for $10-15, even here in landlocked Minnesota.

Also, fun fact: Lobster has a history of being referred to as “poor man’s chicken” on the east coast of Canada. Yes. For those on the coast, lobster was so plentiful and easy, that’s how it was seen. Actually, Googling it just now, this wasn’t just in Canada – in America, lobsters were apparently fed to prisoners, slaves, and servants all the time, because it was so cheap.

Anyway, especially after the “Everyone gets a $500 truffle!” thing, I have to wonder how disappointed Kathy and Luca were when the “most luxurious, expensive ingredient” was… Large ocean bugs. (Don’t get me wrong, I love pretty much every manner of sea crustacean!)

Luca wins, after a long spate of mediocre performances.

As they focus on Kathy’s exit, we’re treated to all sorts of fluff about her journey, about how far she’s come, and what a fighter she is. WTF? They’ve shown pretty much nothing about her “journey” or her, no one sitting at home has any idea who she is, what she’s cooked, what she can do, etc. Wouldn’t it be great if the show focused more on the contestants, so people could actually get more invested in them? So that stuff like this actually makes sense to the viewing audience?

As a fun “behind the scenes” fact… man, the show was awful to Kathy when we all first arrived. Apparently she showed up with bright orange hair, and production marched her over to a salon and made her dye it the colour you see on the show. If THAT wasn’t bad enough (she was NOT happy about it!), they decided to change her entire look. The spunky, flashy little Brooklyn BRONX diva look that we met in the first few days – fitted jeans, spangly earrings, metallic embossed flashy shirt, etc… was replaced by a plain purple t shirt, HUGE baggy jeans, and hiking boots. It was beyond bizarre… and signaled to me that she would be going far in the competition, before we even “auditioned”.

At the time, she seemed kinda pissed that I was allowed to keep my bright turquoise hair! (Had they insisted I change it, I would have walked. I’m sure they knew that.)

I haven’t been in contact with Kathy at all in a long time, after some weird Facebook drama. Regardless of what went down, I wish they’d shown more of her personality, background, and food, and I wish her all the best. The show really did her a disservice, on several levels.

The weird thing is, the show is doing itself a disservice. They whole point – for them – is to end up with a best selling cookbook… so why are they actively turning off their potential buyers with all the forced drama, and preventing people from getting invested in the FOOD aspect of the show at all? SO WEIRD.

Marie is an award winning cake artist based in Minnesota’s Twin Cities. Known as much for her delicious and diverse flavor menu as for her sugar artistry, Marie’s work has graced magazines and blogs around the world. Having baked and designed for brides, celebrities, and even Klingons, Marie was proud to share her wealth of baking knowledge in her two cookbooks: “The Spirited Baker” and “Evil Cake Overlord”. Marie has also authored a book about her experiences surrounding the 2011 Minneapolis tornado: “Twisted: A Minneapolis Tornado Memoir”

Oh, the best laid plans. I thought for SURE I was done with doing the recaps… but I went and told my fellow “contestants”. Peer pressure!

So, I’ll continue doing the recaps for now. A bit of a disclaimer:

I like to keep things positive on this blog…. but I also like to keep things real. MasterChef was a big part of my life this year – 6 months, full time.. and then some! – but I don’t have a ton of positive things to say about it, aside from all of the awesome friends I made. If I can’t be positive, at least I can be honest… and honestly, there is a good chance that my recaps will devolve into “Joe is a moron. The end” by the finale. Hey, the show wanted me for my lack of filter, right? LOL!

2. I’m starting to hate Krissi a little because she’s one of those *PRETTY* chunky chicks. Makes pasty, puffy, blotchy me a bit jealous. I won’t hate her too much, though: She may BE one of those pretty ones, but she don’t routinely bleat about it. LOL!

This episode features the first team challenge of the year. Much like with the display of lamb on the previous set of episodes, I feel a bit of a twinge. Though I don’t usually play well with others, it would have been cool to be able to do a team challenge. I am SUCH a logistics freak… but I guess things going smoothly don’t make for good TV. LOL!

Anyway.

Opening montage of the contestants on a bus, driving through LA. Gotta say, I do NOT miss being driven through LA.

Joe’s shoes look so stupid with his suit and overall demeanor.

The contestants are told they’re cooking lunch for over 300 elementary kids. They have 1:45 to cook it, and 90 minutes to serve.

Ramsay is doing his faux Shatner thing again. Is this supposed to be suspenseful or dramatic or something? I know I’m not Fox’s target market for ANYTHING, much less reality TV, but… bleh.

Jordan and Jessie are team captains this week, and alternate picking their teams. (and I’m SO glad I got to avoid the rehash of always getting picked last in school, LOL!)

As they are picking, I notice once again that every one of the women have their long hair down. Where this is preparing food for the public, I really hope they’re made to wear hair nets. You’d think food prep regulations would apply at this point, right?

Hrm, apparently not.

Right away, Jessie’s Red Team is talking about how kids don’t want green vegetables, so they choose corn. Sigh.

First off, I hate that the show is encouraging and/or perpetuating BS about kids hating veggies. Kids hate veggies when they’re told to hate veggies. Maybe stop all the crap about “Oooh, they’re picking GREEN BEANS, the kids will HATE THAT!”, and kids will love green veggies like normal human beings.

My favorite veggie as a kid was Brussels Sprouts. Never had anyone filling my head with “Not supposed to like that!” nonsense.

Gordon starts carrying on about how Chicken Teriyaki is a bad choice, because it’s brown and kids will hate it. Joey Coattails agrees, saying that between spag and meatballs, and chicken Teriyaki “no doubt in his mind, he’s going for the spaghetti and meatballs”.

Well, duh. Joey doesn’t go for anything that’s not Italian.

Also, let’s be serious. If your kids turn up their nose at chicken teriyaki, odds are good that you’re either a bad cook, or a bad parent as it relates to food.

Joe and Graham go to the red team and tell them that they’re cooking the chicken wrong.

I’m really distracted by everyone’s hair down. Gordon and Graham are chefs, and Joey Coattails owns restaurants. I’m blown away that NONE of them put their foot down and have the contestants practice proper food prep hygiene. Guess I know a few restaurants I won’t be eating at… ew.

So the kids go running and screaming at the competitors.

The announcer mentions that the teams have 1 hour to serve. What happened to the 90 minutes mentioned earlier? Does Fox think that there are 90 minutes in an hour now? (I wouldn’t be surprised…)

Lots of footage of the kids giving opinions of the food.

Man, this episode could be soooo suspenseful if the show hadn’t spoilered the winners way back even before the cast list was announced. What genius decided to show challenge results coverage?

Having seen the Red Team victorious in that commercial, I find all of the crap about chicken teriyaki is WAY over the top. There is not subtlty or nuance in reality TV, huh? “They’re going to lose! They’re going to lose! OMG THEY WON WHO SAW THAT COMING!?”. Lame.

Graham refers to corn as a veggie. Sigh.

The last kid who walks through the red team’s table is subjected to waving and whooping… poor kid.

Footage of the blue team talking about who’s going home.

Jordan’s given the opportunity to “save” three people from the pressure test. He saves Howard and James, is told that he can save himself for the third option. So… he does. Of course.

I hate it when team captains do this. From what is shown, it’s his “leadership” and lack of logistics that ended them up there. Krissi declares it to be a “bitch move”, and I agree. Competitions should have more sportsmanship and honour… even if it’s a “competition”, in quotes! 🙂

So, the 6 remaining people have to make cheesecake.

They have only 90 minutes to make, bake, chill, AND garnish a cheesecake. Ridiculous.

Gordon declares that the CRUST is the secret to a great cheesecake, saying that “when your base is solid, your mixture is solid”.

Um. WTF?

Dear Gordo… your cheesecake batter is completely separate from your crust. Your crust has no real influence on how cohesive your batter is, I have NO idea what the hell you’re getting on with…

Also, the real key to a successful cheesecake is to take your time mixing it GENTLY, and cook it at a low temperature for a long time. Period. You know… something that they don’t actually allow the contestants enough time for!

Adriana is cooking mango cubes and guava paste together, ingredients from the “limited pantry” provided to top the cheesecakes.

After some footage of drama, the judges start talking condescendingly about how Adriana “just used canned guava paste… come on!”.

Given that they’d shown her cooking a topping of mangoes AND guava paste, I’m not sure how they justify the “just” in there. Also, guava paste is a specialty item. A delicacy! What is it even doing in the “limited” pantry, if they’re going to carry on like she’s slathering her cheesecake in Velveeta?

Joe’s thoughts on cheesecake – especially given the parameters of competition – are BEYOND stupid. “DDDUUUUUHHHH I’m from New York, I expect cheesecake to be 6″ tall, even though we don’t give you the TIME for it”. Dumbass.

Judging:

They like Krissi’s cake, after the peanut gallery trashes her (including what seems to be a snotty comment on her weight, from Jordan).

John presents an interesting looking pineapple cake. Joe uses his fingers to shove a piece in his maw (It’s cheesecake, you neanderthal. Use a damn fork!), then makes some weird comments about how the pineapple topping is a *contrasting* texture for the cheesecake, and he doesn’t like that.

Joe, you ignorant slut.

What are you even doing “judging” a cooking show? ALL decent cooking features contrasts of all types, including texture. The whole POINT of cheesecake topping is to provide a stark contrast to the cheesecake itself – in color, texture, acidity, sweetness, etc. Moron.

Kathy presents a cheesecake with a berry compote, nails it.

Eddie makes a vanilla bean cheesecake with mixed berry compote. Judges give him some flak about not draining his compote first, but overall they like it.

Savannah made a salted caramel cheesecake that doesn’t look like a cheesecake. It looks GOOD, but just not like cheesecake.

The judges rip on Adriana’s guava cheesecake with mango and coconut – which looks INSANE, btw … I would eat the shit out of that! – Gordo starts carrying on about canned guava paste again.

Adriana goes home. Ridiculous.

Ok, on to the second episode of the night.

Mystery Box Challenge time. Contestants are told that someone will be cooking alongside them, blah blah. It’s Ramsay, who goes on to showboat and drink tea for half the challenge. Meh.

The contestants have cod… oooh I love cod. Anyway, they have a bunch of Asian ingredients with it.

JESSIE TIES HER HAIR BACK!

Well, sort of. A ponytail is a start.

Ramsay goes and has a tea, etc, before BIG DRAMA starts cooking, and then all the focus is on what he’s doing. Description about what he’s doing, etc. Forget the contestants.

One thing I dislike about this show is that it’s all basically a circle jerk for the judges. MasterChef Australia, for example, is WAY more about the competitors.

Gordo’s dish is presented with a great flourish, and Joey invites the contestants to taste “how a real Master Chef does it”.

“Master Chef” is actually a professional designation, attained through a specific accredited program and intensive testing. There are very few actual Master Chefs in the world (Pretty sure it’s under 100!). I can’t find any reference anywhere to Gordon Ramsay ACTUALLY being a Master Chef.

Hrm.. I wonder if I can just adopt “Doctor” as a label. I mean, because training and earning a professional designation apparently means nothing anymore. “Doctor Overlord Marie”? “Overlord Doctor Marie”? Which works better? And where do I fit in “Czar of Cakes” with that? LOL!

Howard apparently plated raw fish. I don’t even get why he’s still in the competition. Nothing he’s made so far has stood out in any positive sense, and nothing he’s done gives any indication that he knows how to cook at ALL. I mean.. AT ALL…

… and, aside from the odd snark at Krissi, he’s not really there as a big personality player.

I have to wonder if all of the behind-the-scenes drama he had going with another contestant is going to end up coming out as a plot point. I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to that (Schadenfreude!), or dreading it. The show will step into irreparable trashiness if they go there…

Anyway.

The contestants all present their meals.

It’s almost too bad that Lynn Chyi is so reserved and drama free on the show. He gets like NO face time, and all his food looks *beyond* gorgeous.

Wouldn’t it be great if the show focused on the FOOD, rather than the judges and/or BS drama?

Luca wins the challenge, is given the choice between decorated cookies, cupcakes, and ca… WAIT A MINUTE. Are they using a freaking FUNFETTI CAKE as the demonstration?

WHY YES I THINK THEY ARE.

… Why would you DO that? I mean, I get throwing together a box mix in the interest of saving a few minutes for something that likely won’t be eaten, but why wouldn’t they use a plain flavor, not easily-identifiable FUNFETTI.

Man, they really are going for trashy this year!

(Note: I don’t judge people who like Funfetti. We all have guilty pleasures… but this is GORDON RAMSAY presenting the cake on a “competition” show!)

Luca picks cupcakes. I am bored.

He’s also given the advantage of handicapping one of the others for the challenge.

I can’t believe how much drama is being forced over Jordan not having a mixer to work with. What a bunch of wusses we’ve become. All KINDS of cakes and pastries were made LONG before stand mixers (or electricity, for that matter) were even invented.

Gordon gives Kathy some hassle over her putting stuff on the bottom of her cupcakes. “Why complicate them?” he asks. “Why not?” is her answer. I like it!

Graham makes some comment about how Bethy has flour and sugar “all over her face”. If he honestly thinks that having flour on her face is somehow indicative of not knowing cupcakes, he’s never been in a bakery… and DEFINITELY never been around a baking competition.

Luca is called downstairs.

Howard is first to present. Says he has “Tahitian Vanilla Bean Cupcake”… except that there’s no bean, he just used extract. Um…?

So guava paste is bad, but calling cupcakes “vanilla bean cupcakes” when only using EXTRACT is Ok? Oh boy…

No mention is made of the fact this his cupcakes look like crap, and have barely any frosting on them. There is a MINIMUM frosting to cake ratio that should be attained, he missed it by a mile.

Malcolm’s cupcakes looked delicious until they were cut into. Also, one of these years, MasterChef will cast people who know how to pronounce “Mascarpone cheese”.

Bime’s cupcakes pretty good, decent frosting ratio.

I’m laughing at Joey Coattails being so offended at Kathy putting stuff on the bottom of her cupcakes.

For someone who is “SOOOOOO NYC!”, I’m shocked that he doesn’t seem to realize that what Kathy did is actually quite popular, even trendy. I mean, NYC is pretty much the cupcake capital of the WORLD. You’d think a food “expert” would be familiar with such cupcakes.

Bethy made three types of cupcakes, including Bananas Foster, Raspberry Lime, and an Almond Chocolate cupcake with Hazelnut Liqueur.

Marie is an award winning cake artist based in Minnesota’s Twin Cities. Known as much for her delicious and diverse flavor menu as for her sugar artistry, Marie’s work has graced magazines and blogs around the world. Having baked and designed for brides, celebrities, and even Klingons, Marie was proud to share her wealth of baking knowledge in her two cookbooks: “The Spirited Baker” and “Evil Cake Overlord”. Marie has also authored a book about her experiences surrounding the 2011 Minneapolis tornado: “Twisted: A Minneapolis Tornado Memoir”

So, this time I’m almost a week late with the MasterChef recaps. To be quite honest, it was really starting to look like I wouldn’t be doing it, and I’m still not convinced that I’ll bother, going forward.

The longer I’m back from LA, the more I hear about things that happened to my friends… the more disgusted I am with everything. On one hand, I feel like I would be doing a disservice to my friends – and those I didn’t even meet – by NOT giving them some exposure, after we all uprooted our lives for ~6+ months for this.

On the other hand… two of my MasterChef friends have had suicidal thoughts since coming back, as a result of the treatment out there. One friend was sexually harassed by the judges to the point that she had her lawyers get her edited out of the show completely. (As part of it, one of the judges told her that the only way he’d have an appreciation for her is if he was looking at her naked body!). Two of my friends were physically assaulted – one by production, one by a judge.

Of the incidents I mention, there is no crossover – these are all unique individuals. They’re not alone, either – I know of a few other women who were treated in a sexist, degrading manner by the judges… and all of these incidents that I mention are just the ones that I KNOW of. Many have been dealing with depression as a result of the experience.

I knew that MasterChef contestants can be in a bad way when they come home, and I knew that the show has sent many from previous seasons – even those who have “placed” high – into depression, and even ruined a few lives… I guess it’s just harder for me to tolerate in specifics – it’s easier to wave off an abstract idea, without any context. Also: without knowing those involved. These aren’t mentally unbalanced people, or drama queens – these are real, everyday people. Good people. For this reason, I have very little desire to give MasterChef any real coverage, going forward. I’m beyond disgusted…. I’m livid.

Add to it the fact that it sounds like they’re going to full on, super trashy reality TV this season? Blargh. This article actually had me envisioning the show turning into a “Scary Movie”-esque parody of reality TV, it’s all so over the top.

Still, this past set of two episodes gave us the first – and last – brief glimpses of some of these people. So… here we go.

They show a quick montage of people, and then Howard. Howard makes a peach cobbler, get an apron. I’ll admit, this one still stings a little – Apparently he used canned peaches and frozen blackberries. Awesome.

Then we have a very brief montage of rejections.

We have Paulina, who manages one of the most gorgeous food blogs I’ve ever seen, Potato Chips are Not Dinner. Fun fact: Joey the Ignorant told Paulina that her traditional Phillipino dish was “bad Chinese food”. WTF.

There’s Mark Famiano, a TOTAL sweetheart firefighter from Cleveland. Liyah with her “babies – stuffed animals – and we see Grace Chen for all of two seconds.

Carl “Pen” Wippert presented the judges with white chocolate spaghetti with strawberry puree and lemon cake “garlic bread” website and Facebook page – he has a cookbook (“Gourmet for Everybody”) coming out VERY soon!

Jonny B uses a beer bottle as a rolling pin to extract lobster meat from the shell, to put on his caramel and coconut “crackerjack”. I’m still not sure how I feel about that dish. Unique, weird, and… I THINK I’d be interested in trying it? I dig salty and sweet, not so sure about seafood and caramel though. Anyway, he gets an apron after some big fake judge dramatics and “suspense”.

At this point, just 10 minutes into the show… they’re done with the audition round. SO many people, stories, and elaborate set ups were not even mentioned, much less shown. So many other people having months of upheaval condensed down to even a second or two. What is the point of having a second 2 hour episode, and only spending 10 minutes on the auditions?

So then we go to the next round of eliminations. The 40 people with aprons are assembled – equally spaced out among the “Fight Club” space – and told they’ll be competing to stay, asked to follow the judges out to another area

Brian Baum tells us that he has adrenaline coursing through his veins. I promptly get Phat Bass stuck in my head.

Nancy Fillipelli isn’t thinking about going home, she “IS” home.

They go to this other area, and they show individual faces. Let me go all “Romper Room” for a minute..

I see Seonkyoung, Mark Oberle – a trapeze artist!, and Gabriella.. I see Steve Smith (who doesn’t seem to have a MasterChef page for some reason?) and Dean Karadimas, who is QUITE the character, btw. There is Seymira Salamy, and Kevin Tindell, who I just adore! I see Dahlia Abrams (and you can tell on her face, she thinks she’ll be told to kill the poor lamb that Ramsay just presented.. does NOT look happy with it!). I see Duckie and Bime … and then a flood of sheep run into the area, apparently relieving themselves all over the contestants.

Cause, you know, that’s a great thing to do to people about to cook, and in an area they’re about to cook in.

They’re told they won’t be killing any of the lambs, and a HUGE display of every possible cut of lamb is revealed.

I’ll admit, I shed a tear at this point. I am SO glad that I went home when I did – and I manage to feel even happier about that with every new story I hear – but man… challenges would have been so much fun. Forget TV, forget the competition even… I’d love to be able to walk into a pantry / meat department like THAT, have my pick of it all, no worries about budget, and just make whatever I want. What a dream!

Ramsay makes some bizarre comment about how the contestants will be like lambs to the slaughter if they make a mistake. The hyperbole in this show is epic… and not in a good way.

So they start the 60 minutes, the contestants go running, James talks about getting shoved down, and Seymi laughs – she was a rugby player, by the way. 🙂

Some coverage of contestants picking ingredients, with judges yapping.

I want to eat whatever Gabriella Aronja is making. I have no idea what she just said. It was in Spanish, and I bet it’s amazing. There are roasted peppers involved.. yum!

I digress.

Malcolm is making a lamb sampler plate, Joe makes a snotty comment about how it sounds like he’s not confident enough to make one dish. Because, you know, I’m sure none of Joe’s restaurants sell anything with more than one preparation of an ingredient, and because such a dish has NEVER gone over well in past seasons, right?

Moron.

Beth cooks her lamb on hay. Was kinda surprised to hear they had hay as an ingredient, seems kinda random.

Luca is stuffing a lamb loin with sweetbreads and goat cheese.

Brian is describing what he’s doing, gets insulted. Whatever.

Judges discuss James Ladd, saying he’s “way out of his depth”, mentioning his BBQ sauce. Apparently, that sauce was straight up amazing, btw.

In a moment of fake “spontaneity”, the judges “decide” that some people have been ‘showing their true colors’ (you know, mid-cooking time)… and should just be eliminated right now, before they’re even close to running out of time.

What a ridiculous slap in the face. I can’t imagine having had to stay another week, just to be fodder for craptacular forced drama BS like that. So disrespectful!

So with 15 minutes left – a full quarter of the time still remaining – Joey Coattails walks through and eliminates people. Gabriella – oh, her food looks SO good! – is first to go, being told she has “too many technical mistakes”.

I’m struck by how much time is being spent on drama, and how little is being dedicated to the actual food. We see a few photos, no titles or descriptions of what’s being cooked.

The contestants are divided into two main groups, with a few stragglers. One group goes through to the competition, the other is just cut. Not a word about what anyone’s cooked. Past years, we’ve seen a LOT more about the food, about what was made, thought behind it. This year, it’s like they’re not even pretending that the show is about food, on some levels.

Duckie tells us that the judges are missing out, with her being eliminated. I had her pegged as top two from the minute I met her, so I totally agree. She KNOWS food – you should check out her site, Duckie’s Dine-asty. Don’t go when you’re hungry, though… just amazing stuff. She’s also hilarious, smart AND witty (not the same thing!), and just an all around great person. She actually did my makeup for me right before I cooked during the auditions, and made me look FABULOUS – thanks again, Duckie!

They show Luca’s dish, which doesn’t look appetizing at all.

Malcolm goes up against Seymira, Seymi goes home 🙁

Seymira’s African culture comes through in her cooking, and her dish looks insane. Girl, I would happily snarf your cooking any day.

The elimination is dragged out for far too long. Also, I hate seeing Seymi cry. This chick was a ray of sunshine the entire time I was in LA, love her to pieces.

Then it’s Jonny with a lamb rangoon, vs Brian “Crazy Eyes” with a lamb liver dish that looks very tasty. Gordon insults him, Brian goes home in another looong drawn out elimination.

I’ve got to say, I wish American MasterChef was more like Australian MasterChef: Way more focus on the food, it’s actually kind of educational for the home audience. Also, the judges are far more positive and encouraging.

Nancy up against Bri, Nancy goes home.

Luca goes up against Beth. Beth’s dish is gorgeous, Luca’s… not so much. While many of the cooks here seem to have some grasp on use of color, everything on Luca’s plate seems to be variations on bile yellow. Just… not appetizing at all.

I’m fast forwarding through the drama surrounding the elimination. I may have a short attention span, but really – do people like seeing this stuff drawn out so long, and so… forced?

Also, why does Gordon. Ramsay. Try to. Talk like. William. Shatner?

There is only one Shat. Gordo is not it.

Now we’re on to the second episode from last Wednesday. I’m just going to include my review for it here, rather than start a new one.

It’s a mystery box challenge. Tomato, Bacon, Chocolate, and Potatoes are the main ingredients.

Krissi excitedly yells “BACOOOON!”, and America falls in love with her 🙂

Graham describes “an INCREDIBLE single potato”. It’s a potato. Don’t get me wrong, I am a VERY stereotypical Irish Canadian, I adore potatoes… but the hyperbole bores me so. I’m assuming that Graham has a better grasp on language than Joe the moron does. (I’m still laughing at “Butter is the antithesis of Greece”!)

Then we have a little bit of talk about the food, then a whole bunch of manipulated drama.

Just a comment on this: I’ve seen a lot of comments out there online, usually on forums and comments section of news articles, about how the drama between Krissi and Natasha “came out of nowhere”. Keep in mind that at this point, the contestants have been in LA for almost two weeks. That’s a LOT of time to form some opinions about others. Hell, most of us were only there for a week, and THAT was enough time to form some very tight, lifetime friendships. There are two sides to that sword, and not EVERYONE there was awesome to each other.

Bime is up, Joey Coattails says that his dish “smells like a fake” to him, asks where he’s ever had food like this before. Definitely a recurring theme, after accusing Bime of his mofongo being “a ripoff of shrimp scampi, with a little plantain”

Does Joey not eat anything besides Italian? I have a hard time pinpointing whether his BS is racist, classist, or just general ignorance. Maybe a combination? So much stupid…

He tells Bime that he hopes he can “walk the walk”. I’d love to see Joey “walk the walk” – does he even know how to cook? Any time – over ALL of the past seasons – that any of the judges cook, it was not Joe. There WAS a tortellini forming demonstration once, but I remember noticing at the time that the edits were such that it very easily could have been someone else’s hands doing the close ups.

Anyway, Natasha gets on and yaps about how pretty she is.

I’m torn on this. Instinctively… barf.

On the other hand, I was there… and I KNOW how much footage they have of me talking about my IQ, etc – all prompted. I was DREADING them using all of the various “Great! Now say it like ____. Cool, now can you say _____ also?” incarnations of it all, piecing it together and making me look like a mega douche.
So I know there’s a good chance that it’s all VERY manipulated, etc.

The thing is… for each time I had to talk about my IQ, I was cracking jokes and doing my absolute best to make it impossible for them to edit it in a way that made me look like I take it seriously, or am actually hung up on it. With her… she really seems to be genuine about it. So, again… barf. Well, unless she’s acting. She did claim to be a model (??), and tons of these people are model/actors, so… I dunno. I digress.

I’ve already seen this, the night it aired… so this whole recapping thing is tedious. I remember how much of this was all the interpersonal drama and BS, and I just don’t feel like watching it.

Also, I’m really grossed out by the fact that every one of the women have their long hair flowing everywhere. IN A KITCHEN. Having been there, I know they don’t have a TON of control over their appearance, but I wish the show had them tie their hair back.

I still remember being grossed out, on past seasons, by people actively sweating OVER their food. So gross. This show is supposed to be able encouraging/preparing the contestants to pursue their culinary dreams (with a little suspension of disbelief applied, anyway!)… I don’t get why they don’t encourage some adherence to the basic hygiene rules and regulations that they’ll encounter in the real world.

Luca is making pasta. Go figure.

Krissi Biasiello is making langoustine mac and cheese. Smart – Lobster mac and cheese is very trendy, popular, and well received in general.

LOVE Krissi’s responses to him, grinning and giving the finger. She’s so adorable in her snarking back, rather than being straight up angry/obnoxious. It’s like she’s more amused by it than anything – I like that.

They show Bri apologizing to her meat once again. Kind of weird that she’s the token vegetarian, and very little mention is made of the fact that Adriana Guillen is a vegetarian. She was “Mexican Veggie Girl” during the pre-audition time, and is very passionate about promoting tasty and healthy vegetarian recipes. I am seriously the biggest carnivore out there, and even *I* find Adriana’s stuff to look amazing, btw. She has a blog started, HERE.

Blah Blah… Howard made a small amount of a citrus and spinach salad with a little bit of meat on it. I can’t imagine being given such a specialty ingredient and minimizing it in such a way.

Loads more forced drama…

I love the irony of Joe telling anyone that they’re wasting his time.

Lynn’s dish looked amazing.

Blah Blah Blah… Joey acts like a child, Ramsay makes some comment about there being a “cardinal rule” against stuffing langoustine (BS!), more forced drama… whatever.

Lots of skipping ahead.

Sasha goes home for some reason. I can’t stand her, but I was craving cheese grits the next day – not a crappy little salad that looked like a cheap side dish.

Done.

I will continue to watch the show until my last friend is eliminated, but then I’m done – with MasterChef, with Fox, and Reality TV in general. This crap is the bane of society and culture, in SO many ways. In today’s society, we need to be encouraging people to have empathy for each other… not training the masses to lack it.

Marie is an award winning cake artist based in Minnesota’s Twin Cities. Known as much for her delicious and diverse flavor menu as for her sugar artistry, Marie’s work has graced magazines and blogs around the world. Having baked and designed for brides, celebrities, and even Klingons, Marie was proud to share her wealth of baking knowledge in her two cookbooks: “The Spirited Baker” and “Evil Cake Overlord”. Marie has also authored a book about her experiences surrounding the 2011 Minneapolis tornado: “Twisted: A Minneapolis Tornado Memoir”

Bime was one of the first people I met in LA, and he was HILARIOUS. Really great guy, kept us all laughing.

Man, his Mofongo de Camarones looked ridiculous. I have GOT to get that recipe from him.

“I’m wondering if this is really a Caribbean dish, or just shrimp scampi faked with some plantain put in it” – Joe

I’m going to spare you from my rant on the usage of “Shrimp Scampi”. (Along the lines of “ATM Machine” and “PIN Number”, but with the added fun of genus confusion / misclassification).

I will say that when people use “Scampi” to denote a cooking preparation (rather than species), it generally refers to shrimp cooked in garlic butter and white wine.

… where Joey Coattails gets the idea that Shrimp Mofongo (traditional dish) is a ripoff of this American usage of the term is completely beyond me. I mean… wow. Moron.

Bime gets an apron, moves on.

Next is Jessie, a model and pageant queen.

Her dish looked nice enough, the judges were wishy washy… and in THE MOST CONTRIVED MOMENT IN MASTERCHEF HISTORY, Gordon Ramsay came flying out of the audition area, into the cooking area where the rest of us were waiting, and hauled two whole sea bass out of the fridges.

… because they just happened to have two whole sea bass just laying around.

They challenge her to prove that she’s “the real deal” (that phrase needs to be retired from the show, seriously), by fileting the sea bass right then and there.

Let’s start with Damian Legion, the pro wrestler and one of my ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE people there. Within minutes of meeting him, he complimented my “Magneto was Right” shirt and showed me his Dalek tattoo. I think that was one of the first moments that I didn’t feel super alone in LA, there was another geek there to hang out with!

Damian is a total teddy bear. Super sweet, caring, all around wonderful guy – I just love him, along with pretty much the rest of the cast. Just an all around great guy! You can check him out on Facebook, his page is Death Metal Domesticated, which is also the name of his Podcast.

He’s from Minnesota, the biker guy. Tough guy, badass, no nonsense, etc. I had NO IDEA that he made a fouffy baked Alaska for his audition – this kind of made my day.

Dennis: Funny story about Dennis. He had two grad students there to help with the robots, and they sat right behind me in the van on the way to the first day of auditions. We were all introducing ourselves, I turned to say hi to them..

… and DAMNED if one of the two didn’t look almost exactly like one of guys in Bran Van 3000, per the “Drinking in LA” video. Given that it had become my theme song by then, I had a good laugh / wanted to see it as an “omen” of sorts, LOL!

Really nice guys, all three.

Funny story about Tori Cunningham, the ice sculptor (They really only showed her squash carvings, but she’s a competitive ice sculptor).

A few of us were looking for her, and had very little information to go on. We knew her first name, and that she was from somewhere in Ohio.

So one day, one of my Mensa friends – Alan Baltis, from Cleveland – posted some photos from an ice festival he was at to his Facebook profile.

I thought “Hrm. I wonder if Tori did any of the sculptures, maybe there will be a sign or something?”.

Sure enough, the ONLY photo he had with the sculptor actually IN the photo? I was 95% sure it was Tori. Confirmed it with the others, and then we found her almost immediately. What are the odds of THAT?

Another funny thing – this was while we were still in our contractually-imposed silence, so I couldn’t tell Alan HOW I knew her, when I called him up to ask if he was still there, to pass a message for me. This, while he had very recently dropped the news that he would be on an upcoming episode of Jeopardy! (July 19th – be sure to watch him, he’s one of my favourite Mensa friends ever!)

Small world!

Anyway, John and Shaun get aprons.

Next up is James “Jesus James” Nelson. (There were 2 guys named James, someone had come up with ways to differentiate them at some point!

James told of losing both his parents, cooked a pork belly, and won an apron. Check out his sauce company, Bravado Spice.

Next, we have what my MasterChef Roomie Alexandra Jones refers to as “The Slut Reel”. These are the girls who were encouraged to flirt with the judges, etc – including Alexandra.

Julie Ann Gibson…

I’m so disappointed that they didn’t show more of her audition. This chick was HILARIOUS. Before the filming, she was talking about how she wanted to take Gordon Ramsay home in a box, and had the most hilarious way of describing her dish. Words don’t even do it justice, you’ll have to watch Matt Orsini and I discuss it in This Youtube Video we made!

This would be one of the more interesting uses of creative editing. They show Sheena biting one of her green pepper pieces, then later has the judges asking if she had plated the piece she had bitten. They then cut to her confirming “That’s right”.

It was an awkward cut / response, because it was pieced together from other footage – any idiot can look at the plate as shown on the screen, and clearly see that it is NOT the pepper she had bitten.

I don’t even get why they bothered to do that, if they were going to show the photo. So much stupid…

Nancy Nester

She was such a cutie, from the little I got to know her. Wasn’t fond of how they had her bring her whole group in, so excited for her, only to deny her the apron. Kind of a dick move.

With that batch done, we have a feature on Sasha Fox. I’m going to be honest, I have nothing nice to say about Sasha.

One of the first things I heard her say in LA was a loud declaration of how cooking “wasn’t (her) THING”, and that she was “just there to get FAMOUS”.

While that alone is enough to rub me the wrong way, given the nature of the show AND how many good cooks got cut, she then proceeded to berate those who did not get aprons as somehow being beneath her upon her return from the show. It was really insensitive and disgusting.

Also, she’s MUCH older than I am, but saw fit to act like a schoolyard bully and name-call about my appearance. Who DOES that?

That’s all I have to say about her.

Now, we’re told it’s been more difficult to get an apron this year. There’s some interesting math… they gave out 36 aprons (of 100 auditions) last year, and 40 out of 100 this year.

Again… Fox!

Now we have Rudy Reyes…

Rudy is a super sweet guy, and took SUCH good care of my while I was away at MasterChef. His girlfriend (who is a total sweetheart!) is autistic, and he knew exactly what I was going through with the whole thing.

I was so happy to meet her as well – the first words she said to me were double checking to make sure he had been taking good care of me, and asking if she had taught him well. She had! Thank you, Rudy and Cristina!

Unfortunately, Rudy’s Buffalo Frybread “Indian Tacos” failed to earn him an apron 🙁 This actually happened while I was away buying groceries for my audition the next day (They make you go at certain times), I came back and he was gone – didn’t even get to say goodbye! 🙁

I heard that those tacos were AMAZING, by the way.

Once more, we’re told it’s harder to win an apron this year… than EVER before. *snerk*!

I don’t remember the name of the first guy, with the scallops.

Elden is “James Dean”, the guy in the olive green shirt. I didn’t get to know him as well as my roomie did, but she tells me that his cooking is INSANE, including his plating. Him not getting an apron was a bit of a shock, especially as he’s a model.

Name up is my good friend, pilot Carrie Landry Peterson:

You may remember Carrie from her guest blog last week… where she shared how to make her audition dish, Whoopie Pies.

You know why her Whoopie Pies looked “like a 9 year old would make”? Because her oven that was supposedly up to temperature was very much NOT. Ugh.

Matt made a spinach and lemon ravioli with sage brown butter sauce. He actually made this for me a month or so ago when he came to visit – no word of a lie, that was the best damn pasta dish I’ve ever had in my life. He’ll be guest blogging the recipe this week!

.. and another case of “auditioned while I was out shopping, failed to win an apron, was gone before I got back, did not get to say goodbye”. I COMPLETELY lost it when I came back from shopping, only to find he was gone. It’s a really shitty experience.

And then we have… me! For like 2 seconds!

(Thank you for the awesome screen grab, Leanne!)

I served up my Mango Mojito Upside Down Cake, which is ridiculous and turned out absolutely perfectly. I’d actually made 3 small cakes and served up two of them to my fellow contestants in my final minute of cooking time – so there are plenty of people who can attest to it 🙂 Hell, even my batter bowl was absconded within seconds of me filling the pans!

So, here’s the deal: I was SO relieved to not get an apron. Seriously, after a week of not seeing my husband, one of the very first things I said to him were “Get me OUT of here!”.

I was similarly relieved at the edit I got, after seeing how awful and CREATIVELY the show had cut some of my friends. Sure, I would have liked it if they’d shown that the first words from Ramsay’s mouth were “Graham is going to LOVE this”, the fact that they all enjoyed the cake, etc.

REALLY would have loved to see what happened when Joe tried to stare me down, and I laughed at him for it… and really, REALLY would have loved for them to air my exit interview – it was cold, articulate, and scathing! – but hey… overall, I think I did pretty well.

I think my “wow” and the look on my face said it all, and was a nicely condescending response to such a ridiculous insult – and to a GROWN MAN blowing a raspberry. “Boarding School Pudding, at best”, eh? I’d love to know what boarding schools serve up such boozy rum cake!

Ok, I’m gonna be honest, I hadn’t seen the rest of this episode before this morning. Once I was eliminated, the crowd at my party was pretty much relieved to not have to watch anymore (Most are NOT “reality” TV fans!), so we all decided to turn the TV off and just chat.

So this next stuff is all fresh to me…

Aww, Dawn Hunt was so cute, asking if she could hug the judges after not getting an apron.

Marie is an award winning cake artist based in Minnesota’s Twin Cities. Known as much for her delicious and diverse flavor menu as for her sugar artistry, Marie’s work has graced magazines and blogs around the world. Having baked and designed for brides, celebrities, and even Klingons, Marie was proud to share her wealth of baking knowledge in her two cookbooks: “The Spirited Baker” and “Evil Cake Overlord”. Marie has also authored a book about her experiences surrounding the 2011 Minneapolis tornado: “Twisted: A Minneapolis Tornado Memoir”