Thursday, March 10, 2011

Actions have Consequences

In the debate the other night, a young student asked Stephanie what she had to say to women who had intimate relationships with men, who could not rely on contraception because no method is guaranteed, and who do not wish to have children. Stephanie said that she would be willing to speak privately to the girl about contraception and various methods as it was not the topic of the debate; however she did say that "actions have consequences". She proceeded to walk across the stage, saying that she could go out on the roof and walk across it to the edge, all the while saying that the law of gravity was "stupid, stupid, stupid" and then walk off the roof only to fall. Actions have consequences. Having sex has consequences.

Here is a link to a good article by Jennifer Fulwiler on how abortion is used to avoid consequences, and she gives her take on how we got there. For those who do not see that the issues of contraception and abortion are intrinsically linked, a thoughtful read of this might give you pause to think.

Thanks to contraception, society tells people that sex does not have to have consequences. It tells women that they can simply choose to have sex without it impacting them in any significant way. It is psychologically impossible for someone who has accepted that “truth” to simultaneously believe that life within the womb is human, or even valuable: because if it is, if unborn life has any dignity, then when unexpected pregnancies arise, sex just had consequences. If attempts to avoid pregnancy fail (as they all too often do), and the newly-conceived life is fully human, then that “consequence-free” act just created a baby, and you’re now a parent.

The question that arises in my mind is where are the guys in all of this? The problem of pregnancy and abortion and contraception are all dumped on the girl. Some would say we can thank feminism for that, but I think the root is deeper. It lies with the abandoning of the idea that sexual relations belong within marriage. Not even within "committed relationships" because the stats show clearly those so-called "committed" relationships ain't so committed after all. Most living-together relationships cease within three years; marriages do have a little longer than that.

Not so long ago, the average American man in his 20s had achieved most of the milestones of adulthood: a high-school diploma, financial independence, marriage and children. Today, most men in their 20s hang out in a novel sort of limbo, a hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence and responsible self-reliance. This "pre-adulthood" has much to recommend it, especially for the college-educated. But it's time to state what has become obvious to legions of frustrated young women: It doesn't bring out the best in men.

Single men have never been civilization's most responsible actors; they continue to be more troubled and less successful than men who deliberately choose to become husbands and fathers. So we can be disgusted if some of them continue to live in rooms decorated with "Star Wars" posters and crushed beer cans and to treat women like disposable estrogen toys, but we shouldn't be surprised.

Relatively affluent, free of family responsibilities, and entertained by an array of media devoted to his every pleasure, the single young man can live in pig heaven—and often does. Women put up with him for a while, but then in fear and disgust either give up on any idea of a husband and kids or just go to a sperm bank and get the DNA without the troublesome man. But these rational choices on the part of women only serve to legitimize men’s attachment to the sand box. Why should they grow up? No one needs them anyway. There’s nothing they have to do.

We all know young men like this, some even not so young. In fact, today there seem to be no end of guys in their late 30's, early 40's who are still playing "in the sand box". And I know mothers who say "well, boys will be boys". But as my daughter, mother of four boys, said - that should only apply to boys when they are young children, it should never give blanket coverage to sexual experimentation and other damaging behaviour when they are teens. And as my other married daughter, with two sons, said - she considers it extremely important how she raises those sons so that they don't turn into the kind of jerks she knew as a teenager and young woman. She considers raising boys to be more crucial than raising the girls she has.

Parenting, so important, how we do it. And so important that we do it in the first place. Contraception, abortion, living together without marriage all spell ruin for the generation that needs to grow up. Only in the western world do we allow kids an entire lifetime to grow up; in countries without the luxury of a western lifestyle, kids grow up as soon as they are able to help their parents with the work. For both the kids and the parents, "actions have consequences".