things are glam in mommyhood

The Realest Mom

Like most people, I’ve said and done things I wish I could take back. More than anything else, I wish I could go back in time and un-say five words that I know caused my mother a lot of hurt.

You’re not my real mom.

It was my best weapon as a kid when I was mad at my mom and wanted to “get back” at her for doing something totally cruel, like not let me have cookies or decline my request to have friends over. When I was in trouble for being a general shit-head and found myself grounded or sent to my room, I pulled it out and shouted it from the top of the stairs before slamming my bedroom door and feeling sorry for myself. Twenty-odd years later, I’m as ashamed as I am sorry that I ever let those words cross my lips.

I’d love to be able to blame those words on my own feelings about being adopted, but I can’t. Those words were childish and selfish and mean. That’s all. And Mom, since I know you’re reading this, I’m sorry.

After being on the receiving end of some I hate you outbursts, even knowing that F doesn’t mean it, I can say that I know exactly how much my words hurt. Mom, you didn’t deserve that.

You see, there’s no Mom in the world like mine. After years of wanting and trying to have a baby, my parents looked into adoption. Most families want newborns, and I wasn’t a newborn. At almost 10-months old, I was probably destined for foster homes forever except that my Mom didn’t care that I was 10 months old. She saw a baby who needed a family, and my parents were a family who needed a baby. There are no words to express how grateful I am that I get to call them my family.

That I get to call you my mom.

(…and that I get to call Dad my dad, obviously.)

You are the realest kind of mom. You’ve cheered me on and put me in my place, you’ve passed down reality checks and real cheques and you’ve never once turned your back on me. Even now, with a little one of my own, there are so many days when I need you. (Like now, as I’m typing through some tears.)

And, although I don’t say it nearly enough, I am proud of you and grateful for you and I love you to the moon and back. Twice.