Yeah, I "took one for the team" and watched this one w/my wife last night...

In the fifth (and thankfully final) installment of the Twilight Saga, Bella finally becomes a vamp and hubby Edward has to raise a vampire/werewolf army to protect their hybrid child from the villainous Volturi. Or something like that. There may be more to it but honestly, I was nodding off by the three quarter mark of this lengthy, talky, boring flick so I may have missed some sh*t. As usual, my advice when it comes to "Twilight" is this: if you have a penis, there is no reason for you to watch these movies.

FREE RADICALS: A HISTORY OF EXPERIMENTAL FILM (2012): A survey of 90 years of abstract experimental film (mostly the kind where they scratch into or paint directly on the celluloid), from its Dadaist origins to its NYC heyday, with rare interviews and plentiful examples, including a few full-length shorts. A decent overview of an imposing subject, though aficionados will wonder about some of the important figures who are rushed over or omitted entirely (did Hollis Frampton sleep with the director's girlfriend or something?) 3/5.

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"The basic plot is that Donna Speir and Hope Marie Carlton, the two undercover DEA agent Playboy Playmates from the last movie, are still running around in jungle shorts, cowboy boots and spaghetti strap T-shirts, firing their machine guns at drug smugglers, Filipino communist guerrillas, and corrupt federal agents while their two friends, Lisa London and Miss May 1984 Patty Duffek, lounge around the pool a lot and talk on speaker phones that look like fax machines."-Joe Bob on SAVAGE BEACH

Night of the Werewolf (1981) - one of those Spanish movies with Paul Naschy. I've seen this several times now. As in most of his movies, we start in ancient times with a group of witches, vampires, and a werewolf (Naschy) being executed for their crimes. Flash forward to the present, and a couple of grave robbers take the silver dagger out of the werewolf's heart and he comes back to life and starts terrorizing everyone in the area. Meanwhile some wannabe witches bring the ancient witch/vampire lady back to life, and she'd like to enslave the werewolf, so they have to help out with that. Overall these movies are very slow moving, atmospheric, and usually feature a fair bit of nudity. If you know what to expect they're perfect when you're in the mood for them, otherwise you'll probably be disappointed. This is definitely one of the better Naschy films. 4/5.

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“Any intelligent person knows that life is a beautiful thing and that the purpose of life is to be happy...But it seems only idiots are ever happy. How can we explain this?”

From the same writer/director who made FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL, which I enjoyed, and starring several people I usually find funny & engaging; but this was really disappointing. A lot of typical romcom BS, just with dirtier jokes. 3/10

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Through the darkness of future pastThe magician longs to seeOne chance opts between two worldsFire walk with me

Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff (1949): This one was kind of disappointing because Karloff isn't in it that much really despite the top billing. Still he does appear in the film's funniest scene as a swami who hypnotizes Costello. But really, this film seems to run on and on and feels a bit too dragged out and just plain silly for my liking. It's basically a 30s-40s style whodunit only with Abbott and Costello. Considering how many bodies are found lying around in this one, I was actually wondering if it might not have had some unexpected influence on later slasher films. All in all, I can't really give this more than *** out of ***** stars although there are some laughs here and there and some spooky characters running around.

Abbott and Costello in the Foreign Legion (1950): Now this felt a bit of a throwback to earlier A & C comedies like In the Navy and Buck Privates and honestly I found it rather funny and really enjoyed it for the most part although there's little really new here. Still there's some fun action chase sequences in this one and I got a kick out of seeing Costello in the wrestling ring. Also look out for Tor Johnson in this one. I'll give this ***1/2 out of ***** stars.

Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man (1951): I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this one upon watching it again. It's basically a sequel to the Invisible Man only with Abbott and Costello thrown in. Sure it's more in the vein of murder mystery/thriller/comedy than horror but still it's a good story for the most part and I found Abbott and Costello's characters very likable in this although Abbott is a tad bit selfish and greedy here. Arthur Franz stars as the escaped murderer who turns invisible here while trying to prove his innocence. Surprising fun and atmospheric although the Costello boxing sequences provides much of the movie's comedy. **** out of ***** stars.

Carry On Sergeant (1958): The first Carry On movie personally I find quite entertaining. Basically it features a retiring sergeant (William Hartnell, of Doctor Who fame) who wants to go in style with a champion platoon but who instead gets saddled with arguably the worst possible bunch of recruits anyone could possibly get particularly hypochondriac Horace Strong (Kenneth Connor), the effeminate Peter Golightly (Charles Hawtrey), the intellectually superior James Bailey (Kenneth Williams) to name a few. All in all, this makes for a fun movie with Connor especially standing out in his role and pretty much stealing the movie whenever he's on screen. Also good here is Hartnell as a surprisingly likable drill sergeant. ***1/2 out of ***** stars.

Metal Tornado (2011): This 2011 TV movie is amazingly bad in that SyFy Channel tradition. It stars Lou Diamond Phillips and Nicole de Boer (of DS9 and Deepwater Black fame) as well as Greg Evigan (of Tekwar fame) but mostly features stereotypical characters and bad CGI as a CGI created magnetic tornado threatens Ottawa posing as Pennsylvania and Paris, France. The end credits show how unfortunately a lot of Canadian taxpayer money went to pay for this sad mess of a movie. I only watched it because I've actually enjoyed the stars I named above in other things but there's really nothing in this to make it stand out as anything more than actors trying to collect a paycheque. Some folks here might get a few chuckles out of it's unintentional comedy. ** out of ***** stars.

The Boston Strangler (1968): fantastic performance from Tony Curtis stands out in this startling biopic about Albert DeSalvo, the Boston Strangler. The rest of the cast is top notch too what with Henry Fonda, George Kennedy, Jeff Corey, William Marshall and numerous other "that guy" supporting stars. Great acting, unusual unsettling comic book style visuals add a distinctive touch to this film that makes it quite unlike much else from its era. Richard Fleischer keeps the viewer interested by always having something visually interesting going on at practically all times throughout the film. The biggest problem here is they didn't get the details right and they change the facts about DeSalvo to make him more sympathetic. Still a great movie nevertheless. **** out of ***** stars.

Screamers (1995): In the distant future on the distant mining world of Sirius 6B, a war has ravaged on for a decade between those sent to mine a resource which could provide tremendous energy and those who sent them there to mine it. Eventually those on the planet, faced with overwhelming odds against them, created a new type of weapon hoping to gain an edge and survive the war. This new weapon was artificially intelligent machines capable of self-replication nicknamed “screamers” because of the loud pitched wail they emit upon locating a target.

This movie owes a lot to other superior sci-fi films it’s true including Blade Runner, The Terminator and even The Thing but yet this is nevertheless entertaining throughout and should well please many sci-fi fans. Peter Weller makes for a good leading man here and Jennifer Rubin offers good support opposite him. This movie keeps the viewer guessing and guessing and largely plays out like a science fiction mystery movie. There’s some great suspense and a plot that will keep the viewer wondering what's going to happen next and on edge throughout. After the fact, one wonders why it took so long for certain screamers to strike but aside from that, this one is an underrated little treasure waiting to be found for most sci-fi fans. ***1/2 out of ***** stars.

Mutant aka Night Shadows (1984) - two douchebags from the city drive out to the country and are surprised to find that acting like an a$$ gets you treated like an a$$. Meanwhile the beginnings of a zombie apocalypse seem to be taking place, with all the citizens of the town getting sick and disappearing into their houses, not to be seen again until they complete their undead transformation. Bo Hopkins plays the sheriff who of course doesn't believe any of this zombie stuff, and it's up to our two kids to convince him of what's right in front of him. Half the stuff in this movie doesn't make any sense, but oh well; it's not like it matters. The zombies are just atrocious, walking around with their hands up in the air like somebody said "stick 'em up!" and then yet they've got big dumb grins on their faces too. It seems to take a good day or two for somebody to transform into a zombie, but it can happen in a couple of minutes if it's convenient for the plot. There's one unintentionally humorous scene where a doctor is performing an autopsy and describing the transformation which much have taken place, while meanwhile her assistant, who's standing behind her but of course she never looks around, is undergoing all the changes she's describing. Just to add to the ridiculousness, there's a huge sign saying "Motion sickness? Try Dramamine" in her operating room which the cameraman makes sure to keep fully in frame at all times.

Oh good grief. It was watchable and occasionally entertaining, but pretty bad overall. 2.5/5.

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“Any intelligent person knows that life is a beautiful thing and that the purpose of life is to be happy...But it seems only idiots are ever happy. How can we explain this?”

Surprisingly (or maybe not) Mutant actually made the Boxoffice top ten back in the day. Horror "Connoisseurs" love to call it underrated because of the unique zombies (they are blue and spit/bleed, what was it, radioactivity?) and the pretty wild action-filled ending. I always thought the movie was alright for what it is.

The Final Conflict (1981)

The second coming of Christ happens on March 24th as he will be born to a mortal woman. Son of Satan Damien Thorn, now in his 30s, is a bit concerned and sends his followers on a killing spree to eliminate all new born males in the country. Meanwhile seven priests equipped with daggers try to kill Thorn but the great evil one still has enough evil supernatural powers to prevent such thing.Omen sequel that deserves better. It's not really that bad but the weak ending is indeed a bit lame. Still, 4/5

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989)

Alice is pregnant and Freddy Krueger uses her unborn child to kill all her friends. The least imaginative of all Nightmare movies, though beautifully shot and with some great f/x. The rude killscenes kind of get boring because most of Krueger's victims don't or can't fight back for whatever reason. Still better than part 6 though. 3.25/5

Surprisingly (or maybe not) Mutant actually made the Boxoffice top ten back in the day. Horror "Connoisseurs" love to call it underrated because of the unique zombies (they are blue and spit/bleed, what was it, radioactivity?)

I don't know what that yellow goop was. The doctor said it was human blood that didn't have any red blood cells, but it also had some very corrosive substance in it, and it also looked identical to the stuff the evil chemical company was dumping in the abandoned mines.

Just your all-purpose zombie movie gunk I guess. My theory is that it was Karo syrup with yellow food coloring in it.

« Last Edit: March 26, 2013, 08:34:48 AM by Jack »

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“Any intelligent person knows that life is a beautiful thing and that the purpose of life is to be happy...But it seems only idiots are ever happy. How can we explain this?”