Tuesday, December 10, 2013

(1) Employment had just come out of the woods (to graze? to
engage in ‘Cruelties of Proximity’?) when the sudden motions of Unemployment frightened
it off. We all stood up then, from behind the hedges. We looked at each other,
our hands up, as if to say, “The heck did you do that for?”

(2) Employment offered me a job. I said yes. I agreed to
tour the facilities where I would work—a large warehouse reached by access road
that featured wide craters. Once inside, I noted heaps of Product in bins, dysfunctional
electricity, and a spacious puddle underneath a hole in the roof.

(3) The time came for my performance review. Employment sat
in a swivel chair, wearing a blue shirt with solid yellow tie. I hadn’t shipped
any Product, it was pointed out, even though there hadn’t been any Orders. I
was told that my position would be converted to Underemployment.

(4) I attended a Job Fair targeting the Underemployed. Many greeters
staffed many booths in an arena that, by night, would feature multimillionaire
Athletes on a team that prioritized everything but winning. A large automobile
revolved in the middle of the floor for no apparent reason.

(5) Underemployment spoke cheerily about No Benefits, as if
No Benefits were, in fact, a benefit. A somber gal advanced the slideshow every
couple of minutes. “Vegetarian?” I inquired, thumping my heart twice with my
fist. (She was kind of hot.) “No,” she replied. “Underemployed.”

(6) I went on Underemployment interviews. For one, to be
Under Secretary, I remarked that usually the Secretary was underneath, and that the title was redundant. For another, to
be Under Study, I remarked that under-studying didn’t always lead to failure. I have yet to hear back from either.

(7) Around lunchtime, a Voice that identified itself as
Administrator telephoned me about going to the Clinic, and meeting with a
Diagnostician to get a complete Work-Up regarding my Word Count. “Me?” I said. “You,”
said the Voice. “Why?” I said. “As a condition,” said the Voice.

(8) I can never look when a Diagnostician has to draw Words
from me. “Make a fist,” instructed the Diagnostician, “just relax.” Yeah,
right. You try making a fist and just relaxing, I thought, but I didn’t say
anything. “You’ll feel a little pinch,” said the Diagnostician, but I said, “OWWW!”

(9) The bad news is, my Nouns are way down, and my
Adjectives are way up. In other words, I’m Modifying what little Subject and
Object I can offer. In addition, I’m probably clinical for Puns. “I fear
Vietnamese soup,” I tweeted, and posted, and updated. “Yeah, I’ve got a real Phobia.”

(10) I did get some good news from my Word Count, though. Apparently, I’m
hospitable to Verbs. I’m Proverbial. The future will, undoubtedly, involve
Pounding the Pavement, Hoarding Scraps, and Running from Disaster. Verbiage
will come in handy, and I plan on Narrating.

APPEARANCES WITH HETERODYNE IMPROVISATIONAL MUSIC PROJECT

I have appeared several times (as “Words”) with the Heterodyne improvisational music project, which is led by Maria Shesiuk and Ted Zook. Other performers have included Sarah Hughes, Leah Gage, Doug Kallmeyer, Bob Boilen, Sam Lohman, Amanda Huron, and Patrick Whitehead. Here are three free sample recordings, each about 30 minutes long, available on Soundcloud: