For weeks and weeks. And weeks. I’ve been scared and stressed, filled with dread.

For what? You might ask.
I’m covered by a mask.

Sometimes I know.
Sometimes I don’t.

I walked into the exam room, not being able to concentrate on anything apart from how loud my heart was pounding. Maybe my tutor can hear it too. It’s. So. Loud. Freak. That’s me.

I could see the huge, intimidating mirror across the entire length of the room from the corner of my eye. The girl in the mirror stared back at me, her eyes were glazed with a clear blanket of water.

Breathe.

Collect yourself. It’s ok. It’s ok.

I don’t even understand why I feel nervous. Well actually, I do.

I don’t want to fail, I don’t want to fail myself or my tutor, I don’t want to make a fool out of my self, I want to do well. My obsessive practice has to be enough, doesn’t it? Maybe it wasn’t, maybe I don’t actually know what I’m doing, maybe I’m not good enough for this.

I turn away from the petrified girl in the mirror.

Breathe.

It’s hard, you know. Trying to go against every reaction your body wants you to have. It wanted me to panic. To fear. To run away. To give up.

My tutor looks at me, tells me he’s confident in me and knows I can do it.

He knows how nervous I can be. After all, I’ve had plenty of break downs in his midst. He knows it all to well.

You might think this is over reacting, but every time I need to do something that puts any sort of pressure on me, I freak out. I’m learning ways to help me cope with it though, I am trying.

This time, in particular, it was my vocal assessment singing six scales in different keys. Recorded. Kept forever. Judged. Looked back on. Graded.

It had been scaring me for weeks. Months probably. And it came.

I couldn’t fail. I just couldn’t.

Pressure.

And.

I nailed it.

Deep down, I knew. I knew what I was doing. I just didn’t trust myself. It happens every single time. I hope one day, through God’s strength, I’ll believe in myself fully.

Why hello there,
Yesterday I got a tattoo! And I really wanted to share it with you.
I’ve wanted a tattoo for many years and I’ve known what I wanted but I’ve been reluctant because 1) I wasn’t 18 (So.. obvious reason) and 2) it’s quite expensive. However, while being at college I saved up a little bit and yesterday I just went for it, because, why not? I know I’ll be in love with it for ever because its a simple quote that helps me in general day to day life. It’s not like a got a huge lion on my leg – that, I personally might not have been quite so fond of in 30 years. ( Unless it was Alsan.. Anyway moving on..)

I got ‘one day at a time’ tattooed on my right wrist.

There are a few reasons why I chose this particular quote.

Inspirational quotes are just my thing. I love them. I write meaningful things and hang them on my wall and it’s nice to look at. However, ‘one day at a time’ made it onto my skin because its the one that stands out for me and the one I want to wake up and read every day and everywhere I go.

I’m constantly stressed. I feel like it’s just the way life is going to go for me. I worry a lot and it’s because I care a lot about a lot of things. My stress is often (more often than not..) unnecessary but I find it difficult to realise that a heck of a lot of the time. The words on my arm just remind me to breathe, to take my time and to not look so far a head that I can’t see clearly anymore. It reminds me, literally, to take one day at a time because I can often take a thousand days at a time and you can imagine how stressful that is in my mind. It isn’t healthy and I love that every day I can be reminded to take life day by day.

On a more serious note, the tattoo on my wrist is also a recovery thing. As well as stress and anxiety, I struggled with self harm for a number of years. The tattoo is so that when I feel triggered, I can look at my wrist and take a second to re think what my mind is telling me to do. So that on the more difficult days, I can be reminded to get through each day, one by one, without acting on my impulses. And so that I can be proud of myself.

Oh and it’s on my right wrist simply because I’m right handed so I do everything with that hand in case you didn’t already guess. Pain wise, it feels like exactly what it is – someone dragging a needle in your skin. There’s no other way to put it. The pain is totally bearable.. I mean, I cry at getting my eye brows done and I didn’t cry at this. If you’re wondering whether to get a tattoo but are worried about the pain, just know that it is a bit sore but if you want the tattoo enough it doesn’t even matter and its totally worth it let me tell you! Go for it! ( I might write another blog post about my whole experience/aftercare/etc if you’re interested?)So, there we have it. I hope you’re all dying to see this tattoo because I’m dying show it to you!

P.s the adrenalin after getting a tattoo is insane. I felt so on top of the world :’D

ALSO, I got these funky cat shorts today… I mean I’m now officially utterly skint but £5 these were in the H&M sale. I couldn’t not get them… like really.. I mean look at them. LOOK AT THEM!

It might appear as though I’ve just disappeared into thin air since May. I spoke of all of my summer adventures and plans to attend college but didn’t carry on the story, sorry. You see, I visited Rwanda in the Summer and it was incredible. While I was there, I was a nervous wreck with all of the new experiences and challenges I was facing but looking back it really has helped me and I am always always thinking about my time there. There’s so much to say about it that I’m not sure I can construct it into this blog post but perhaps at a later date 🙂 No, definitely at a later date! But what I do know, is that it’s so hard not talking about it because its been such a big part of my life but it only really makes sense to the people who experienced it with me. The people of Rwanda are the most kindhearted and joyful people I have ever met and I will be forever thankful for their genuine love for us. I hope I can visit them again soon. It’s like having family on the other side of the world and I miss them (and Africa) every day.

After the summer ended, I packed my life away and moved to a new city. If you’ve known me for more than 5 minutes, you’ll probably have guessed that I’m an adventurer. I’m scared and stressed for a lot of the time but one thing is for sure, I never stop loving to explore. It’s kind of a natural instinct for me – to look into things, to think outside of the box and fight against battles in my mind that might hold me back. I fail a lot of the time but I also succeed. In August, I moved to Edinburgh into student accommodation and started my music course. It can be overwhelming but I have really met the loveliest people here and we’re all family. On the first night, I remember I had a panic attack and the next morning, someone who is now in my friend group asked me if I was alright and said that we all need to look after each other because we’re family now. I’ve never forgotten that because when you move away into an unknown city with no body who knows you, you need those people. Those people that treat you like family. I’ll explain a lot more later but my course is jam packed with band performance, first instrument tuition, songwriting, sound production, theory, music business, midi and sequencing (i.e creating tracks on software’s) and pop music in practice. It’s so so much more diverse than Higher Music and I feel like it’s a lot more beneficial in how much of a wide range of topics we study.

I was planning on writing about Human Trafficking today. Or sharing my English Essay on Human Trafficking with you but I am leaving that for another day.

These Easter Holidays I have been focusing very much on things that I love to do. During term time, I get stressed. Really really stressed 24/7 and I thought I would give myself at least a week to try and relax. No studying has been accomplished this week. I feel guilty, honestly. In my head I’m like “but what if studying this week would make a big difference for my exams” or “What if I go back to school and everyone has done ten times more work than me” or “What if the teacher is disappointed in me”. BUT I have decided that I want to have some time to do things other than school. Life isn’t just about school after all. And next week, I will study.

So

I was a runner. School interhouse games – I was there. Sports day – my favourite.
I know, I’m laughing inside too. I barely do ANY sports now. No, lets rephrase that, I DO ZERO SPORTS. We can keep laughing about this.. but I was the second fastest girl in Primary School and the fastest girl in High School ( I caught up with my competition lol). It got to the point in church sports days where I would win but they would let someone else win because it wasn’t fair apparently. Which as you can imagine, me as an 11 year old, I was not happy. But all of that doesn’t really matter, the moral of the story is that I forgot how much I miss running.

I went to the gym yesterday. Which was scarier than I thought it would be. I was really nervous for reasons I won’t bore you with but I really liked it. I haven’t been the the gym in probably almost exactly a year and it felt good to go back. I never run on the tredmills because it makes me really anxious but yesterday I went at a time when not many people go to the gym and I went in knowing that I wanted to run again and it was so good. Its hard to describe, but the feeling of running, I just love.

Another thing that I have been doing because I love it, is art. Specifically word art though. I have never actually really gotten into this type of art but I follow quite a few people on Instagram who have real talents for it and I wanted a way to remember all of these inspirational quotes that I like so I thought this might be the perfect way.

Most of the time, this is the best advice you can give. For me anyway, I don’t know about others. But saying ‘You’ll be fine’ doesn’t make sense to me because there’s no way of knowing that but to just be fearful but do it anyway is so truthful.

Because yesterday I had my music practical prelim.

And as much as I tried to fine, I totally wasn’t. And some people might not understand how difficult it is to spend all do your free time working towards something and being totally prepared but as soon as I walk into the exam room, I just can not control my emotions. As much as I try too. And it’s the most frustrating thing because it feels like all my work and practice is for nothing.

However, even though my head was literally shaking at first, the first 2 songs on Guitar went fine 🙂 but then I totally messed up the next one.. My hands were so shaky that I couldn’t pluck the strings. And I couldn’t control it and I didn’t know what to do. So that didn’t go so well. Then I finished with a song that redeemed me a bit. Then voice… Oh man. The first song, I burst into tears with in the first few words. The examiner said that I could have a break. So I went outside to bawl my eyes out for a while and catch my breath. My teacher came as well to see if I was okay. I don’t know if I’ll get marked down for having to have a break but I literally couldn’t sing. Or breath for that matter. So then I came back and the first song I sang, my voice was pretty shaky but it went okay.

And then I totally nailed the last song.

I sang loud and did dynamics and I managed to sing the three notes at the end which I was really struggling with for the entire year because I have to sing super loud to be able to hit the notes. That was the first time I sang it right in front of anyone which is probably why Mr Ross (my music teacher) was having a party to himself afterwards aha! And the examiner was proud of me to come back and do that.

I was so glad it was over.

Well the performance was over but I was still so overwhelmed. I cried for ages afterwards. It was probably partly because I was sad that I messed up quite a lot but most was probably being so overwhelmed. I am so glad it’s over. But I wish I could just perform like I can do when I’m in my little practice room by myself or together with the rest of my music class. It’s so annoying! I hope I’ll get there one day though.

On the plus side, it’s like a ritual for the teacher to give you a cream egg once you’ve finished your exam. Which is fabulous.

On a happier note, my friend very kindly made me this flyer for the fundraiser I am organising for my trip to Rwanda this summer. It’s so pretty, isn’t it?

… Hi everyone, I have been away for so long and I am just about to explain my reasons to you. Someone once told me that I shouldn’t write this on my blog and at the time I partly agreed with them, but then I realised that writing, whether it be writing songs or writing in my diary, is how I process things and try to make sense of things that are filling up inside my head. So I made my own decision because I liked my blog. I liked taking out an hour of my day to reflect on things I had been thinking about.

So, I stopped writing because I felt like I was always being happy chappy. Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with writing about happy things. But I wasn’t happy and I was still writing about happy things and I just felt like I was lying to myself. That’s one reason. Second, is because I didn’t really know what to write, there wasn’t enough room in my brain to construct a blog post for you guys (or for me.) So basically, when I stopped blogging it was because I was frustrated at myself because I didn’t know why I was so stressed and so overwhelmed while others around me were so calm and collected. For years now, I’ve noticed how nervous I can be in various situations weeks or months before I even have to be nervous.. but last Summer, at Soul Survivor, I had a panic attack. I had never in my entire life experienced one (from what I can remember anyway..) and its quite funny actually, I actually thought that it was God, but it wasn’t. I know this because what happened at soul survivor happens when I feel nervous or overwhelmed. I was used to feeling nervous a lot (with small and big things) and feeling an unusual amount of discomfort if someone was being persistent with something I didn’t want to take part in but I had never actually felt it on the outside if that makes sense. I think everyone just thought I was crying because I was sad about something. I don’t think they clicked.. and neither did I. But what happened, was that I went to the front of the service for prayer.. the front.. already too much for me. And I felt my hands going numb and shaky, I started to get breathless and dizzy. And when I sat back at my seat, I couldn’t stop shaking, and I could barely breath and I was crying for absolutely ages. People came over to sit with me and hug me, I didn’t have a clue what was going on but I calmed down after a while. It was SO weird. SO after that eventful evening, I starting feeling so nervous that it would happen again. I felt so embarrassed and that everyone might have thought that I was just being a drama queen when actually I, myself, had no idea what was happening. I was scared that I’d have another panic attack and humiliate myself. I also started paying more attention to all of the things that worry me and all of the things that make me nervous and it really did start to frustrate me, so I went to the doctors, suspecting that I have anxiety. I was right. However, I didn’t hear from my GP for months. But one day at school, I got a letter for an appointment with the school mental health worker and she said that she received a letter from my doctor saying that I was referred to the Phoenix Centre. However, because I am almost finished school and almost 18, it would be more helpful to just have weekly meetings with her instead because I would probably be finished school by the time the phoenix centre had openings and she wanted me to be seen quickly. During the months that I haven’t been writing, I felt so helpless. I felt trapped in this ongoing battle in my mind. And I hit lows that were really very low and that I only talk about to my therapist. I’m not saying that its not there any more. OH man is it still there. But having someone to talk to and help me just takes away some of the burden, Y’know? And just knowing what is up with me helps me a lot because I hated not knowing. I know this sounds so cliche but I always feel like there is no body that understands me and even though my therapist might not TOTALLY understand me, she is sitting there listening to me and I feel so scared to tell her things and for the entire day after every appointment, I am really on edge and overwhelmed but she doesn’t think less of me because of things I’ve told her about, (I’m still working on trusting that completely.) she just takes them into consideration and helps me with anxiety and how it affects my mood. So THAT is where I have been. I obviously haven’t said every detail and these past few months have actually been so hard. And let me tell you, I am a pro at keeping my facial expressions positive because I have had to do that for my entire life and its pretty easy now. So the moral of the story is not to judge someone by what they let you see… Because if I am having an awful day, I can hold it together for the few minutes I talk to my mum for when she comes home from work to make her think that everything is fabulous even if its not.
BE KIND PEOPLE 🙂

I hope you are all doing well! And I won’t have a schedule for posting because I don’t know myself how this is going to go. Just taking it slowlyyy 🙂 And you know what, everything we go through adds to our story and adds another thing that we can help others through.

OH GUESS WHAT! I’M GOING TO RWANDA.
But I’m not writing anymore about it write now. (thats so mean of me. Unless you already know about it I guess.) I shall write more about it in my next blog post.