Saturday, July 18, 2009

Don't Read This

My last post was all about hatred, and how hatred is giving me the strentgh to keep myself away from a certain person, the person whom I keep referring as "my better half" in most of my posts. I have realised that I'm being very selfish and self-centred in treating my blog as my personal diary. I must write about impersonal things too. Long time I didn't write an essay! This post will be my last letter (for the time being) to that person, who is making me go insane. I need to write it all down, because I can't find someone to tell it to. It's cluttering my brain, and I need to know that I don't need to think them over and over again, because, I have them written down on my blog. A virtual memory is an eternal memory, a virus can't destroy it, like it can do to my Disk memory.

Ok. Now, I'll be referring to you as "you". Because I'm writing this for you to read. Because what I'm writing is what I want you to know, but I can't tell you myself. You just sent a text right now. When you (or me) add "bye n tc" at the end of a message, it's obvious that it's an SMS meant to spurt out hatred and anger the moment it's read. So, right now, you hate me. Just when my defences were falling apart, I was melting, I was about to stop hating you, you show me how much you hate me now. That's sad. Why? Because it made me sad. I felt like crying. I dunno what has gotten into me these days, I seemed to have lost the ability to cry. I'll elaborate it later. Now, that's why it's sad news. Because it brought a lump to my throat. On the other hand, it's good news too. When my own hatred for you is ebbing away, your hatred for me is exactly what I need to help me keep you away, to help me keep my stand. Thank you.

Just an interruption, the last time I was really close to tears, was when I was crossing the slum after B.D. Memorial. Your rickshaw was too far by then. I stopped running. That's when I got the shock. You never looked back!! You actually went away! That's when I broke. I threw something at you, to show that I was angry. And I was angry because you insulted me. If Puspen and Disha were not my god-parents, I could have said that you made me look like a liar, like a fool in front of others. But they're not others, they are my god-parents, gratefully. And then it hit me. You really don't need me as a friend. You could just walk out on me, because you don't even feel anything. I'm the one who feels that "can't let you go" kinda thing. Anyway, that's when I started hating you. After giving you all that you ever wanted, this is what you give me. You knew that there was no othe rickshaw, so I couldn't have followed you. Probably, you thought that it's ok for you to show your anger now, and then, when it's time for you to need something from me, you'd make a puppy face, apologise, cry, and melt me. You did all that, yeah. But you couldn't give me back that rickshaw ride, could you? You couldn't replay it and this time, just look back, see me running, and ask the man to stop. You couldn't change it. You have ruined everything that I've done or tried to do for the last one year. One year, eh? Yeah, I lost the N-72 on 15th July last year, and it was 16th July, this year, that day. Very symbolic, indeed. I never thought that losing N-72 would ever matter, you know. Even to this day, I have all your messages saved in my inbox. It's just about a 1000, N-72 had unlimited text memory; this one doesn't, I'm sorry. I had only those songs in the cell, that were there in our "playlist" on N-72. I got it from the N-CD, and made a few additions. I tried to hold on to everything we had, but as Debayan Da said, love isn't a one-way traffic. I've kept telling myself that you don't mean what you say, you actually do love me, just like before. But when you didn't turn back from the rickshaw, all that I convinced myself to believe in, evaporated away. It was obvious. I tried to be your friend, I failed. I tried to get over you, I failed. I tried to get you back, I failed. I failed in all that I did throughout a whole year. I have to stop now. You've drained me away, you have taken everything I was capable of giving. I have to hate you, lest you don't suck the very life out of me. It's not your fault, but it's not my fault either, that I have to hate you. It's a conscious decision.

I can't watch Harry Potter. It was alway special with you. I can't watch it now. Not without you, and definitely not with you. I have vowed not to watch another movie with a friend. I hate watching movies with people. And I'm not watching another movie with you, without holding hands. Else, I can't concentrate on the movie. The Hangover is still in theatres, fourth week running! I can't even watch that, after all that happened. Movies apart, I have to be strong.

I got drunk last night. I shouldn't have allowed you to come to my house, you know. I did, because, in spite all the hatred, I was longing for you. I shouldn't have asked you to come back, when you left. But I did a second mistake, because of the same reason. No, not the second mistake. The third mistake. I shouldn't have talked to you that night. Receiving your call was the first mistake. No matter what I said, about not showing the person I hate, that I hate the person, you know what the truth is? I loved the sound of your voice. I couldn't be harsh.

But now let me tell you why I should have stopped myself. While talking to you over phone, my legs go weak. I shiver. Even yesterday, a single SMS from you was making my blood rush. You know how much I was tensed before you came, after you came? You know my password, so go check my chats. I've labelled them in mauve "in case you read". You'll know whom I was talking to, about whom I was talking, while you were on the sofa behind me. So, do I give you the same feeling? Not anymore, right? Friendship isn't one way traffic too. I don't arouse you with with a single SMS or a single call, do I? You do it to me. And how do you think this can stop?

I got drunk last night. I passed out. I woke up at 1:30am. I couldn't sleep after that. I dunno why. I was melting, I felt that. I'm a big fucking fool, I realised that. After all this time, I still can't stop loving you. You're making me go insane. One moment I hate you. The next moment I'm longing for you. I'm so helpless, and I'm so foolish that I don't even want to get over you! I don't even mind that you don't love me, I just want to be with you. You see, my defences were weakening. I had deleted all the songs in my cell sometime ago. Not that "take a bow" sung by you. I set it as my message alert, and my ringtone, so that I hear so much of your voice that I don't long for it anymore. I'm still so much in love with you, I think. But there you go, with your SMS, now that you hate me, I can be strong again. I can continue hating you.

The only way you can win me back is by falling back in love with me. And that, is IMPOSSIBLE!

Mum's betraying me all over again. I was crying over the phone last night. I told her how no one can replace her and how much I love her. And then, this is what she gives me. I should never forget that day in class Seven when she had betrayed me publicly. I should never believe in her anymore. YOU are online. I'm talking to you. And, finally, I am crying. Thanks!