A researcher for Britain’s favourite mid-morning diversion The Jeremy Kyle Show has revealed that the show plans to book Jesus as a guest.

“It seems obvious really,” said Robert Kilroy-Silk, who used to host his own show until he turned into an on-air racialist. “Plenty of people seem to think Christ is still alive, or is coming back, so we’re going to make damn sure that the Kyle show is the first to get him on live TV.”

Indeed, it is thought that certain parts of Chav Culture are merely an increase in fundamental religious adherence by teens and dole-queue scum across the nation. Anthropologist Nicholas Kandaharas of Anglia Neskin University explained that most chav activities can be traced directly to the teachings of the bible. “First of all,” Kandaharas explained, “there’s the two-dads thing. Jesus was raised by Joseph of Nazareth but always knew he had a different, absent dad – in this case known as God. This is probably why the Kyle show are so interested, as they could perform a DNA test.

“Furthermore, his old dear pretended to be a virgin, but was clearly a slag, sneaking off to visit this God character behind her husband Joe’s back, despite the fact that he worked hard as a carpenter while she sat on her fat arse, and even trekked hundreds of miles to pay taxes for her – which in turn funded her benefits and were probably spent on Stella and weed. It’s just classic unfaithfulness, is what it is.”

The evidence that chavdom is inspired by Christianity extends further. “Jesus never worked, despite the fact that his step-father had a skilled trade which he tried to teach him. Then there’s the turning over of merchants’ stalls in the Temple Market, which is a clear early root of the mindless vandalism of today’s little ASBO twats. And the alcohol dependency issues – turning perfectly good water into booze, which is a metaphor for spending all your JSA on Super Tennents.”

It certainly does seem that the Big JC may be a perfect guest for the ITV show, but the Citizen doesn’t fancy Kyle’s chances of booking the big man himself. “The Jeremy Kyle Show is filmed in Manchester,” explained local priest Fr Mort Rothschild-Goldberg-Picton, who is definitely not Jewish. “I’d like to see you try to get our supposed saviour to visit that fucking cesspit!”

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.