Category Archives: Satire

Walking sitcom character Ken Bates further embarrassed his fan base yesterday by enacting a bizarre Christmas Carol alongside CEO (Competency? Easily Overestimated) Shaun Harvey. Harvey, who rumours suggest was integral to the moving on of Bates from Elland Road (whenever that will ACTUALLY, COMPLETELY happen), is clearly being punished for his crimes. After all, no Santa Claus, real or just a Football club euthaniser, could ever find enough coal to accomodate Ken Bates’s many misdeeds. Poor Santa, stuck in the north pole, when Ken Bates found out it was completely simple to be given an island (and then to be run off his tropical paradise, ha! ha!, how it makes the story all the better).

In a shocking moment that has rocked the world, Mark Hughes OBE has gone against grain and decided to use significant amounts of money from the pockets of a foreign tycoon to purchase players he has presumably only ever seen on Sky Sports. Eschewing the modern manager’s delusional willingness to scout players from places that aren’t directly available on a convenient box on a weekly basis, pointed out as being of a decent standard by a series of ex-professionals, most of whom have failed as managers, Hughes has instead chosen to rely on the understanding that if he’s repeatedly heard of a player, he’s probably good.

Hughes, famous for his ruthless scouting endeavours in last year’s capture of 2004’s Djibril Cisse, has reportedly reacted badly to the idea of his team losing 5-0 against Swansea, a team who had the gall to sign an attacking midfielder who has never even played in God’s own Premier League. The manager is delighted to finally be able to implement his defensive blueprint on a team that featured a mere four Mark Hughes signings out of a possible five in the backline.

And so it has come to this. Hughes has agreed a double deal for Michael Dawson and Ricardo Carvalho with their respective clubs, guaranteeing that the Queen’s Park Rangers would have probably been quite a decent side if they played in 2007, back when Carvalho wasn’t 34 and Michael Dawson was a prospect and not a possibly injured cast off from Chief Executive Technocrat Andres Villas-Boas’s revolutionary revolution at the Tottenham Hotspurs.

OTHER NEWS

In another move that goes completely against the grain, Sunderland, purchasers of Titus Bramble, Wes Brown and John O’Shea, part of Steve Bruce’s attempts to assemble the world’s slowest defence, have decided to splurge a large load of fun-bucks at the feet of the nomadic Wolverhampton Wanderers in exchange for Steven Fletcher. Relegation’s Fletcher is set to be a key asset in Sunderland’s now presumed battle against relegation.

Neil Lennon has stated that Celtic’s European Tie is not over, despite the first leg victory over Helsingsborg. Showing the sort of ability to point out the obvious that will serve well in a one-team league, Lennon is planning to follow up his clarification that two-legged ties involve more than one match with a thesis that humans need to eat food, the sky is blue and that Andy Reid is slightly portly.

Danny Welbeck has agreed a new four-year deal at Old Trafford, during which time he will probably be loaned out to whichever former Ferguson charge gets a Premier League managerial post next. Welbeck, who said that “playing for [Endorsement] United is all I’ve ever wanted to do” has apparently been guaranteed at least four starts in the League Cup each season from 2014 onwards, after his club recruit another twenty-seven strikers ahead of him.

Chief Executive Technocrat Andres Villas Boas has proven the difference between him and football’s favourite son Harry “we all love him, honest” Redknapp by signing Emmanuel Adebayor, who returns to Spurs an entire three months after last playing for them.

A clearly bemused Roberto Mancini today asked journalists if they had not found his Wayne Rooney impression “very funny, no”?

Mancini, in trouble with said baying-horde of football writers for lifting an imaginary red card for the umpteenth match in a row, was distraught to find his comedy stylings had not come across well on camera. “I will not get the gig at Jongluers now”, added Mancini after his subsequent Luis Suarez impersonation led to wild accusations of racism.

Mancini, now convinced that the English press simply did not understand his satirical hilarity, unfurled a curtain to reveal a gigantic tablet computer. This incited even more-so the mass of journalists, seeing it as further evidence of City’s wasteful spending. Whilst the journalists were now being clearly briefed by the club’s PR people that the manager was attempting to impersonate an oft televised figure, the addition of a comedy mustache did not have the desired effect, with shouts emanating from the floor that Mancini was acting in a manner that was incredibly disrespectful to victims of Stalin’s gulags and purges.

It was at this point that Mancini was ushered out of the room, falling back on the classics and performing Cleese’s ‘Ministry of Funny Walks’ as the journalists denounced the Italian manager as a Nazi. David Platt, having replaced Mancini behind the collection of microphones, implied that he had warned Mancini that of his set, his Wayne Rooney impression was the least identifiable.

“After all”, said Platt, “no one in their right mind could believe that Mr. Rooney could speak English as well as Roberto does.”