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Friends through thick and thin

Author: Laurie Wertich

Be real

Here’s the thing about cancer: it can
be the elephant in the room. While
some friends will rally around, others
may fall by the wayside. It’s not that
these floundering friends are bad
people or bad friends. More often
they don’t know what to say or do in
the face of cancer.

In fact, one study indicated that 72
percent of respondents reported that
they were treated differently after
they were diagnosed with cancer.1
And that’s exactly what cancer
patients don’t want.

“Cancer patients need friends
and acquaintances to be natural and
to treat them just as they did before
the diagnosis,” explains Reverend
Michael Langham, director of
pastoral care at Cancer Treatment
Centers of America® (CTCA) in Tulsa,
Oklahoma.

Patient Kirk Taylor echoes this
sentiment: “We want to be treated as
normally as we can. I tell people, ‘I’m
not contagious. You can call me. You
can come over.’”

Kirk, who lives in Phoenix,
Arizona, with his wife, Kathy, was diagnosed
with stage IV lung cancer in
2009. Before his diagnosis he was an
avid hunter and fisherman, and he
enjoyed his annual hunting trips with
friends. His cancer treatment has interfered
with those trips during the
past two years, and now he notices that
his friends no longer invite him. He
misses those trips—both for the hunting
and for the camaraderie of friends.

Like many cancer patients, Kirk is
living with cancer, enduring periods
when he feels crummy and periods
when he feels good. He knows his limits.
His advice to friends of cancer patients:
“Don’t shut the door so quickly
to any activity. Keep asking. Don’t exclude
this person from your plans just
because they have cancer. Let them exclude
themselves if they need to.”

Be positive

“Right after I was diagnosed, my
neighbor came over and told me,
‘I’ve had cancer for nine years; it’s
not a death sentence,’” Kirk recalls. “I needed to hear that, and I appreciated
it.”

This kind of positive encouragement
is critical to cancer patients.
“Tell people they look great. It
makes a difference,” says Laurey
Masterton.

At age 57 Laurey is a two-time
cancer survivor now battling
stage IV colon cancer. She owns a
successful catering company and
café in Asheville, North Carolina,
and is an author, beekeeper, and
vibrant member of her community.
Laurey’s motto is Don’t postpone
joy. She embodies this philosophy
and expects nothing less from the
people surrounding her.

“When people ask me what they
can do for me, I tell them to plan
on coming to my five-year party,”
Laurey says. “In other words, help
me believe that I’m going to get
really far along.”

She also says that it’s important
for friends not to be scared of
the cancer patient. “I’ve jokingly
compared myself to Casper the Friendly Ghost,” she laughs.

And although she jokes about it,
Laurey is serious about avoiding
the fear and the negativity that
some people can bring to the table
when a friend is diagnosed with
cancer. As a result, she avoids
negative people at all costs and has
carved out an inner circle of friends
who provide an uplifting sense of
support. They’re already planning
a celebratory, post-treatment trip
to Moab, Utah, later this year.

Laurey is forward thinking—
planning for her future, letting go
of the friendships that no longer
feed her, and holding tight to those
that do. She’s in the driver’s seat,
fighting cancer but also making
proactive choices about her life and
her relationships.

Reach out

“Sometimes the patient has to
take the lead and initiate activities
and assignments,” explains Steve
White, LCSW, a mind-body
therapist at CTCA in Phoenix,
Arizona. “Patients have to give
direction because their friends
don’t know what to do.”

This may seem counterintuitive
to cancer patients who are focused
on regaining their health, but
White says it’s common for friends
to hold back a little and wait for a
signal from the patient. Depending
on the nature of the friendship,
White recommends being direct
with friends: “You can say, ‘Don’t
treat me with kid gloves. If I don’t
have the stamina to do something,
I’ll tell you.’”

If you haven’t heard from a
friend, White recommends picking
up the phone and saying something
like, “I haven’t heard from you in a
while, and I wondered if you were
afraid of disturbing me—or if
maybe you’re a little afraid of my
cancer.”

White says this direct approach
opens the door to communication
and continued friendship, which
can be critical for support during
this time. It’s also important to
recognize which friendships are
worth nurturing, however, and
which may be better to let go.

Let go

“Some people just don’t have the
emotional strength to deal with
cancer,” explains White, “so they
disappear from the patient’s life.”

Rev. Langham insists that it’s
important to focus on the friends
who are there rather than those who are not. “Cancer patients need to
use their energy to fight cancer
and to nurture the relationships
that are solid,” he says. “They
don’t have the energy to go after
those that are falling away.”

Kirk knows this firsthand.
Cancer has given him the
opportunity to take stock of
his friendships. “Cancer gives
you a lot of hindsight,” he says.
“With time you can decide if the
relationship is worth rekindling.”

Hold tight

If cancer has a way of clearing out
the fair-weather friends, it also has
a way of deepening relationships
with true friends. “Sometimes
friends become closer and sometimes
you lose friends,” White
says. “Sometimes you realize
how many friends you have. A
lot of people come forward that
you didn’t even know you had as
friends.”

The bottom line: we all get by
with a little help from our friends,
especially in the face of cancer.

Reference

1. Benjamin HH. From Victim to Victor: For
Cancer Patients and Their Families. New York:
Dell; 1989.