I don’t know how you do it. How do you juggle owning a company and spend time with your family?

Or:

Your husband must be a saint. Does he mind that you have to travel for work? He doesn’t care that you went on a girls’ weekend with your friends?

WTF.

Do you think I left my kids at home alone with cartoons turned on? Do you think my husband is a moron? Do you think that because I work I don’t know what is going on with them? Are you implying that I’m letting my family slip through the cracks? Are you suggesting that our nanny is a better mother to them than me?

Yes, yes, yes… you are.

AND YOU DON’T EVEN REALIZE YOU’RE DOING IT BECAUSE SOCIETY HAS BRAINWASHED YOU INTO MAKING WORKING MOTHERS FEEL GUILT.

I’ve been noticing that my friend, Brittany Gibbons, is often asked these same questions during press interviews about her wildly successful book. Even the damn press wants to know, “Great job writing a NY Times best selling book and being on a book tour and all, BUT WHO IS RAISING YOUR CHILDREN?!“

SHE WROTE A BOOK, and her kids are still alive. I know. It’s a miracle. Those kids are so lucky. That was a squeaker. Her husband must be a saint to be married to a NY Times Best Selling Author. Gosh, life must be sooooo hard for him.

Brittany handles these questions with grace and responds with things like, “It takes a village! I have great parents and a very supportive husband.”

Why is she defending herself as a mother? Successful men never have to discuss childcare. Like, ever. NEVER.

Nowadays, nearly half of all mothers work full-time. This is up 30% since 1979. Back in 1979, my mother worked full-time. And look at me! I turned out great. I never once felt neglected, and there was a point during my childhood when she attending night school to earn her Master’s degree.

I felt proud of her. I still do.

Working mother’s are not hindering the development of their children. Multiple studies have been done on the matter, and I have yet to find one that tells us all to stay at home. For example, in 1955 this big 8-year study was done by Judith Warner. Warner found “no significant differences in school performance, psychosomatic symptoms, or closeness to their mothers between working and nonworking mothers”.

The same study was done again in the 1970′s, only this time they controlled factors like daycare quality, class, and ethnicity. Still? Nada. No correlation.

So they did the study again in 1988 and again in 1996. And still “there were no significant differences in intelligence, language, social skills, or attachment” for children of working moms and nonworking moms.

Listen, Lindas. Women who work are not ruining their children or family dynamics. Every time a woman pulls the little BUT WHERE ARE YOUR CHILDREN?! dig on another woman, our gender takes a step back in the world. It’s a woman on woman crime.

Stop asking me how I do it all. Stop asking other women how they do it all. Worry about your own family. The working mother guilt discussion is getting old.

It’s Friday morning, and you’re probably reading this before your LAST RADIATION TREATMENT! But I’m actually writing this in the middle of the night, last night. It’s about 1:00am. I should be sleeping, but fuck it. I really want to tell you something, and I can’t sleep until I get this off my chest.

So here it goes.

Thank you for beating this.

You don’t know this, but I’ve been lying to you for the past year. I’ve been smiling to your face, looking you in the eye, and spewing mouthfuls of lies in your direction.

I didn’t actually know if you would be okay.

My mouth would move and the words, “You’re going to beat this,” would fall out. But my brain was running this continuous loop of, “What if it spreads? Why her? What if I lose my best friend?”

That is so incredibly selfish of me. But it’s all I could think about.

I know you thought I was showing up to Chemo Fridays to be a good friend to you, but mainly I just needed you near me.

Because I didn’t know how many more times I would have you near me.

Cancer is scary shit.

So while you were being brave and awesome… I was constantly and silently praying, “Please, Lord, please. Please don’t take her away from me. Thank you for healing her. Thank you for letting me keep her.”

I also want to tell you that I promised Jesus you would start going to church with us if He made you better. #PowerOfPrayer

Just kidding.

I’m really happy with you today. I’m extraordinarily proud of you. Thank you for fighting so hard. Thank you for letting me be near you all the time. I truly don’t know what I would do without you.

I’ve been putting your book review off, and here I am, down to the night before your book comes out, sobbing behind my keyboard.

I know the length of time it has taken to me to write this has maybe been hurting your feelings or been confusing for you, and I am sorry for that.

I just don’t know what to say to about your book. This isn’t just some dude’s book. This is YOUR book.

I want everyone to buy it, I want you to become a rich bitch, and I don’t want a lame book review to ruin it. Basically, I cannot find the words to do your book justice.

This is too much pressure.

Anyway, THANK YOU for putting my name in your book. You have no idea how much it means to me to be publicly thanked by you, when really it should be me thanking you. For all of it.

I love you. The world will love you.

You deserve all of this.

Breathe.

And enjoy this ride.

Meredith

***

How do you even begin to talk about a book like Fat Girl Walking?

I’ve been Brittany’s friend for years and years. In fact, we grew up in the same sleepy small town. When she quotes Glinda the Good Witch during her high school musical, that was me. I was Glinda.

So when I opened this book, and I began reading her deepest secrets (some that I didn’t even know), I was stunned.

Hole. Y. Shit. I cannot believe she is writing these things OUT LOUD! This is fucking awesome! She’s calling them all out! She’s telling it just like it is!

And while I’m sure calling out their asses wasn’t her goal… some of you? Well, some of you are going to be pretty, pretty, pretty stunned as well.

*side eye, assholes*

Which is amazing. Because what she does throughout this entire book is share the story of a fat girl. The overlooked girlfriend. The insecure and awkward wallflower of a friend… who settles for less as a young woman.

And then she grows up.

This is hands DOWN the ballsiest book I have ever read in my entire life. Not just because I personally know her so well, but just because it’s astonishingly raw. There is no line that isn’t crossed. I mean that. No line.

But the best thing about this book, is that she wrote this for HERSELF. Although I don’t think she really realizes the effect it will have on ALL OF US. From this, we will learn how to be better humans and treat each other with a little more tenderness.

Because seriously.

Stop being dicks.

So while this is a collection of perfectly-written, short and hilarious (and sometimes very sad) life experiences, this is also the greatest lesson of acceptance you will ever read. Brittany learns to accept herself.

In turn, I have learned to accept myself. She makes me want to be a better person.

She always has.

It’s the most real thing you have ever read in your entire life. Buy it. Don’t walk. Run to buy it.

That’s all I am going to say about it today (because I am so nervous for her that I could throw up).

***

BOOK RELEASE: May 19th

WHERE TO FIND IT: Every major bookstore. Harper Collins published the thing for crying out loud. She’s kind of a big deal.

I updated our wedding vows to more accurately reflect what we committed to eight years ago. You’re welcome in advance.

We promise to put our relationship first, even before the kids.

I would say this has been the biggest lesson of our marriage. When Mom and Dad are happy, everyone in this family is happy. #SorryNotSorryKids

Are we always perfect at it? Nope. And really anytime we have fights it’s because we’re out of synch (like the other night when you wanted to leave the party… and I wanted to stay… I’m still half-way mad at you about that, btw… and I can’t decide who was being selfish… probably you’re more selfish… because I’m never wrong).

We vow to make our best effort to have sex at least once a week. We will never let sex go longer than three weeks, because after three weeks – it gets weird.

Sex is important.

Not important enough to have every single day, but important enough to not let three weeks pass. It gets a little brother-sister-ish after 21 days.

Am I right?

Divorce is off the table. We vow to never bring it up again. Ever.

I’m glad we removed that sort of talk a couple years ago.

It’s really freeing knowing that we’re stuck with each other until we die.

This is truly “it”. We’re all we get.

*hyperventilates into paper bag*

Hand to God, we will never share a checking account.

That was a complete disaster.

I’m so happy we never have to fight about money again, and I’m even happier that you have zero clue how much my new Michael Kors wristlet set me back (it’s so tiny – let’s pretend like it didn’t cost very much).

I promise to be okay with you playing Magic the Gathering, if you promise to be okay with my quest for social media supremacy.

We all have our geeky “thing”.

I’ll overlook you hogging the Apple TV with podcasts that drag on and on about wizards and secret spells. And you promise to provide a fresh set of eyes for proofreading my work and listen to me bang on and on about Facebook algorithms.

We will obey the rule of shutting the door when we poop, and we won’t poop right before the other person gets in the shower.

Because pooping with the door open, or taking a shower in steamy poop smell, can easily throw us into that three-week-zone.

Teamwork!

Boundaries. Still a work in progress for me. I’ll try harder. Even though I stand by the fact that my shit doesn’t stink.

We vow to fight and make up in front of our kids.

It’s important for them to see what a real marriage looks like. It’s also important for them to see us hold hands and kiss.

It’s the greatest gift we can give them. Our parents gave us this gift. We came into this marriage very blessed.

Mostly, we promise to remain BFFs.

I love that we hang out at the kitchen counter after the kids go to bed. Amazingly, we’re able to solve the world’s problems better than any politician, all while wearing sweatpants, and perfectly harmonizing Extreme’s ‘More Than Words’. And thanks for knowing all of the ladies’ names on the Real Housewives of every city. It shows you care.

I love you. I thank God daily for our marriage. And I’m excited to see what He has in store for our next eight years.

]]>http://www.meredithsoleau.com/updated-wedding-vows/feed/1Where do you see yourself in five years?http://www.meredithsoleau.com/where-do-you-see-yourself-in-five-years/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=where-do-you-see-yourself-in-five-years
http://www.meredithsoleau.com/where-do-you-see-yourself-in-five-years/#commentsWed, 06 May 2015 13:02:35 +0000Meredithhttp://www.meredithsoleau.com/?p=5205

I’ve been writing this blog for about five-and-a-half years (which equates to 38-and-a-half blog years).

ME: Will you help me start a blog and somehow teach me how to turn this into a career? I think I’m going to get downsized.

BRITTANY: Of course! But I want to be straight-up with you, if you think this is going to replace your income, you’re probably wrong. Over 80% of blogs fail, and it’s hard to make money. But I’ll help you as long as you listen to me.

I can’t believe it’s still running, either.

About Three Years Ago

I remember the first time I ever spoke to Tony Lake. It was a cold call. As usual, I was nervous. I always get nervous before a cold call.

Hey Tony, this is Meredith. I’m the HR Director at this big car dealership on the other side of town. I found you on Facebook, and I would like to talk to you about a Used Car Sales position.

He took the job.

19 Months (and 17 Days) Ago

19 months (and 17 days) ago, I guess you could say, I had a bad day.

I decided I was never meant to be an HR Director. I quit my job – that I was never downsized from – without notice. Looking back, that was extremely risky and totally insane and not very professional. Classic case of Career Suicide.

I knew this meant I would probably never stand on stages and speak to audiences beside companies like Facebook and Nike, and I certainly knew I would never be featured on talk shows or ABC’s 20/20 again.

19 months (and 17 days) ago, I had an established name in the HR field… so I went on ahead and burned every bridge of that career to the ground.

19 Months (and Five Days) Ago

19 months (and five days) ago, Tony Lake became my boss. This time he recruited me and gave me a job in Car Sales.

He dusted me off, told me to get over myself, and pushed me to get out there and sell some damn cars.

So I did.

A Year, A Month, and 22 Days Ago

This happened.

Last Month

Last month, I made more money than I have ever made in my life. I hired, Ashley (Tony Lake’s fiancée). And I took my family on a much needed vacation.

Five years ago, I didn’t know Tony Lake, his fiancée, or anyone at The Thayer Family Dealerships. But now I do. Thank you for helping me get here, and thank you for being one of my first and largest clients.

A lot of you pick your careers in your early twenties. I did that, and I didn’t know shit about life in my early twenties. Did you? I made SO MANY mistakes! HR was one of them.

I’m a mother of three children, and trust me, my kids are not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. So let’s begin with that.

But here’s the thing, today I landed two more accounts, and THAT is a pretty major financial success for my little start-up social media agency. It was a big day, full emotions.

1. Nervous. SO NERVOUS! What if they turn me down? What if I say the wrong thing? I’ve been waiting for this meeting for a month.

2. Rehearsing, redrafting, and rewriting this pitch two more times… After all, they have 11 locations, this would make three that I manage, and I eventually want every single one.

3. Presented the pitch. BOOM! They signed up for not one, but two locations. I was starting immediately. YASSSSSSSS!

4. My first call was to my husband, who says, “This calls for wine and your favorite steak! I’ll get a babysitter! I’m so proud of you. Great job.”

You see, even though it’s just a Monday for you, this was a pretty major day for my career. Did you know I had a business plan written for this for three years before I finally got the courage to pull the trigger and own my own company? No, you probably didn’t.

You can see where this is going… I went out to eat, some kids were going crazy, and it ruined our babysitter-night-out as a couple.

I actually represent bars and restaurants, and I was a waitress and bartender through college. So I want to tell you why I truly despise you and your parenting abilities during times like these. And don’t think I’m alone on this. I asked my friends. They had a lot to say about kids in restaurants, too.

1. This was a really special day for me. And your misbehaving kids ruined it.

Let’s start there.

We probably go out to eat more than most people, because it is my JOB. However, date nights are few and far between. We need them like we need air.

Also, I have a client/human ratio. I will have to hire more people to be able to handle more clients. So this is a celebration of growth and prosperity for us.

Maybe someone else was celebrating a birthday or anniversary.

Why do your kids get to ruin that moment by climbing all over the stools at the bar, where I asked to be seated, so we could AVOID your children?

And yeah, maybe it’s just a small local tavern, but this place is special to me. They have that pinot noir I like… and those steaks! OMG! THOSE STEAKS!

Tara Miller: Ever since Mike and I have been able to go out alone, we always get put next to the screaming kids. It never fails! Yeah, your kid is cute. Now make them go away!

2. It’s expensive.

Our bill was $70 for two steaks and a bottle of wine (before the tip). We were only there for 45 minutes because of your rowdy children. Plus, we were paying a babysitter. Add another $20, for the sitter, for driving all the way over to my house, on a Monday night, just to be sent home way early. #CheckPlease

Lucretia Pruitt: There is nothing more annoying as a parent than paying for a babysitter so you can have an ‘adult night out’ and finding yourself with the people who not only don’t have a babysitter, but also take their kids someplace inappropriate and then expect everyone else to look after them.

Bernadette Meyer: My biggest pet peeve! We only get date nights once in a great while and it never fails that we get put right next to the table of kids with parents who don’t control them. We have left many restaurants with take out, bc if we go somewhere and they misbehave we are not going to ruin it for others. I have also been at family dinners at restaurants and have taken my daughter and went and sat out in the car until she was done throwing a tantrum and would sit down quietly. It is not fair to others!

3. When my kids are bad, we get boxes and leave. Because RESPECT. So I assume you just don’t care about anyone besides your selfish-self.

My children are 12, 7, and 5-years-old. There was a time when we would order food, boxes, and then check all at the same time. Why? Because if they couldn’t hack it, they knew we would box it up and LEAVE.

It doesn’t matter how they felt about it. They are children. The rest of the diners deserve respect. I’m in charge.

We also have zero qualms about handing them iPads or our phones in a time of need. If they absolutely cannot sit still, I have Minecraft on my phone. It holds them over until the food arrives. Or we just leave.

Mandy Fishburn: I have never understood people who are outraged with kids on electronics at restaurants. Kids with headphones are blissfully quiet.

4. The bar is no place for children.

For real, though.

We specifically ask to sit at the bar on “date nights” to avoid children. We eat dinner there. We split a bottle of wine there. Why? Because there aren’t any children.

But besides us, have you ever actually sat at a bar and listened to people talk? It can become an alcohol fueled assembly of potty-mouthed sailors, drunken liars, and singles on the prowl.

The bar, my friends, is an exciting place, but it is no place for children. Get your kids AWAY from the barstools! Never would I ever allow my child to sit at the bar.

And that Megatouch game in the corner? It has inappropriate games for your little cupcakes. Do you really want them photo hunting through nude photos?

Marypoppins Inheels: No matter where you’re seated, you shouldn’t have to deal with loud, all over the place kids. Really. What the fuck. Teach your kids how to be in public. It’s good for them and for everyone else.

Traci Robinette: It’s on the parents for being dicks, but it’s also kinda on the bartender. It’s their job to tell kids to scram and not be in the bar area.

Brie Godfrey: I would never let my kids sit at a bar!

Exactly, bartenders! I never ever allowed children to sit at the bar back in my day. The patrons DESPISE it. You should have full control of that bar at all times. If the parents won’t control their children, unfortunately, it is now your job.

5. Get your elbows off of my table.

Manners. Find them.

This isn’t about your children putting elbows on the table. It’s about your children putting their elbows on MY table.

It’s about them crying so loudly that we can’t even hold a conversation. It’s about them running around like tiny drunk toddlers. It’s about you saying, “One more time, and we are going to the bathroom!”

TAKE THEM TO THE DAMN BATHROOM, ALREADY! We’re all done with your empty threats.

Anja Mottern: I don’t go to Chuck-e-cheese and drink, so don’t bring your kids to the bar!!

Meghan Biggs: Biggest pet peeve is when oblivious parents let their kids turn around in the seat and stare at you. Hate that. HATE. IT. I usually make a scary face and growl at them. Works like a charm. I also correct my children if they try this shit. If they keep being dicks we leave. End of story.

6. It’s late. Take them home.

Just. Take. Them. Home.

You’re a horribly selfish parent. Kids aren’t perfect. They are tiny people, who can’t hang. And you just keep pushing them beyond what they can handle.

Why have I hired a babysitter at this hour and you didn’t? Can’t afford one? STAY THE F*CK HOME.

Joli Crow: Our rule for our kids is – If you can’t use your manners and respect the other patrons, you don’t get to join the Moms for a dinner out. They aren’t always perfect, but we try to take them to kid friendly places and save the nicer stuff for when they are older. Nothing works my nerves faster than parents who won’t parent.

7. They are going to get trampled, and the business is going to have to file a Workers’ Compensation Claim, and you’ll end up suing them.

The aisle between our tables is no place to whip out cars and trucks. I cannot tell you the number of times I have tripped over a small child with a tray full of food. Do you even realize how much these trays weigh? Or the type of balance it takes to hold it up above your head?

Nuala Reilly: We had that happen not too long ago. The parents were letting their TODDLERS play in the aisle with a bunch of small toys they brought. Two waitresses almost fell over or tripped over them. One of the kids walked to our table and stood there staring at us until we asked the parent to please get her. An the parents called us rude when we made a comment about the mess on the floor. My kids have always known that a restaurant is a treat. They are all teens and older but we still get comments on how well behaved they are. So sorry you guys had to sit through that.

Heidi Herbster: I work in a bar/restaurant and its unbelievable how parents just let their kids run around. I had to tell a young kid to stop running a few months ago and the dad gave me attitude. I told him fine let him run around and if one of my waitresses drops anything because of him that its his responsibility to pay for the loss. He didn’t make him sit down!

Traci Robinette: I used to waitress at a Rainforest Cafe, and one of the biggest problems was parents letting kids go rolling around the restaurant on those sneakers that have wheels in the heels. Like, just rolling around corners as fast as they can go, where servers are trying to navigate with trays of drinks and such. Like, seriously? What the fuck, parents? I get that it was a family restaurant, but it’s also a place of business and I can’t work with that shit happening. A co-worker of mine actually had one run into her and she spilled some stuff on the family of the kid. They demanded that their meal be comped because of it and the manager told them no, because it was their fault the drinks were spilled and they shouldn’t let their kid roll around the restaurant. Watching him tell them no was one of the greatest moments of my waitressing career.

8. It’s beyond rude. Period. Wrangle your little brats.

Ouch.

That was harsh.

The truth hurts! They are being brats. B-R-A-T-S.

You are the boss of the small people in your house. Act like it. You’re a damn mess as a parent, and the entire place is judging you for it. We’re all looking at each other and saying, “Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to have kids.”

It’s true. We’re all saying that under our breath. BECAUSE WE ARE SPENDING A FORTUNE AND PISSED OFF. You’re making your family’s namesake look awful.

Try to defend this, and I’ll explain, in detail, why you suck.

Anyway, it was my special day. And your little brats ruined it. I didn’t say anything because I am far too pretty for bar fights and jail. So we left.

It was the best vacation ever. Exactly what we needed. Thank you, Florida! As always, you were very hospitable.

Anyway, this post isn’t about seeing dolphins, the best seafood restaurants, or giant seashells.

This post is about a particular billboard we passed along the way:

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!

(That’s the sound of me laughing out loud.)

(I actually hate typing “LOL” because I feel like it’s a lie. No one LOLs as often as they type it. Maybe you gave a little half-smile-that-others-can-see, which should be shortened to HSTOCS. I prefer to write, “Hahaha!”. But it felt right in this case, since I literally laughed out loud.)

You guys. This isn’t really a “thing”, is it?

This has to be some small group of backwoods rednecks, who didn’t get the memo. It certainly cannot be reflective of how people living in The South actually feel. It just can’t be, right?

Because I have news for you, that pesky War of Northern Aggression ended a long time ago. And guess what, we’re going to go ahead and stick together as The United States of America.

After I saw this billboard, I began to notice that there are Confederate flags flying along I-75. Yes, I saw some American flags, but I was alarmed to see how many Confederate flags flew. And they flew without an American flag.

My immediate thought was, “Holy Toledo! They really do want out.”

Editor’s Note: I wasn’t sure if I should capitalize the F in “flag” with the word Confederate. Is this a proper noun? I searched Google. The first result came from North Carolina State University’s Writing Lab. Apparently, I am not the only one unsure about how proper to be in this instance. What I discovered is the Associated Press doesn’t capitalize the F. But I can capitalize it if I am making a political statement. According to NCSU’s Writing Lab, “In this case, that honorary status would place the Confederate Battle Flag over the American flag in importance.” I think I will just stick with the Associated Press rules on the matter, because that is about to be my point.

Continuing on… I was shocked. My husband was shocked. We don’t see stuff like that up here. Giant billboards that say, “#GTFOSouth!” just don’t exist.

Why? Because we love The South. We love to vacation in your paradise. We love your adorable accents (you just seem like a nicer human when you have a Southern Drawl). We love your food and sweet tea. You have the best manners. And we super love your big hair.

So I’m giving the Confederate flag a pass. I am just going to assume, for the sake of this article, that you are just proud to be from The South.

Let’s talk about those darn billboards.

What the actual eff?

(I read this to my dad, and he asked me to remove all cuss words. He said he raised me with a better vocabulary than that. So I refuse to say “fuck”.)

(Shit. I said it on accident so you would know why I said “eff” instead today.)

They’re a tiny group of people hiding behind freedom of speech and their religious views to spew hate, and they wrap it up in nice little sayings about how the government has too much control – so they want out.

I fully believe in the First Amendment. It’s awesome. Say whatever you want. But just because you can say whatever you want to say, it doesn’t mean that someone like me shouldn’t point out (with my First Amendment rights) that you’re being giant douche bags with your billboards.

What happened to being proud to be an American?

Okay, so they are a small group of collective idiots. Fine. So why even talk about this billboard?

Because.

Because for being the land of the free and the home of the brave, we certainly haven’t been very free or brave lately when it comes to accepting one another as Americans.

This isn’t an exclusive southern “thing”. We collectively suck as a country lately.

North vs. South isn’t even a real issue (which is why the billboard is so funny – I give all of you permission to LOL if you ever drive by one of them).

Read: You’re stuck with the rest of THE United States of America, League of the South. #SorryNotSorry #LetsBeFriends

Mainstream media makes us this way.

They show us what they want us to see. We seem forced into these extreme political party boxes by Fox News, MSNBC, and CNN.

I would say most of us aren’t overwhelmingly left or right politically. I would say most of us are somewhere in the middle. The majority of us have lots of small and unique political, social, and personal issues all over the board, that develop into huge political issues.

This is what I mean by that; It’s pretty well known that I support gay guys eating catered pizzas and cakes at their weddings. Knowing this, you probably assume that I’m some extreme political leftist, with an “agenda” (we like to use the word “agenda”, as if we are all hiding our true intentions somewhere), who maybe isn’t a very good Christian.

You’re wrong! Why would you think that? Because this one social issue threw me into a political party in your brain?

I actually believe in: Flat taxes, ending the war on drugs, I LOVE me some Jesus, I own a gun, I don’t support healthcare reform as it is, global warming is at the top of my anxiety list, I think it’s cool that our money says “In God We Trust”, government spending is out of control, and not that it’s any of your business, but I did not vote for President Obama.

OF COURSE we will have political differences. Does that make either of us right or wrong? YES! We both get to be special snowflakes, who are always right about everything, as long as we aren’t acting like tyrants.

When you act like a tyrant about someone’s beliefs, skin color, living in The North, or sexual orientation (to name a few issues), just make your beliefs seem more valid, you don’t make a very good point, and people tune you out. Pretty much everyone is like that, by the way. Being a tyrant is the worst recruiting method ever. For example, memes of Sarah Palin, riding on a dinosaur, holding The Bible, saying Christians don’t understand how science works? It shuts me down. You just bashed my religious beliefs to make yourself feel better. It feels… billboard-y.

Editors Note: In no way am I saying I suffer from any sort of religious persecution. I’m just saying it isn’t nice, and it makes me not like you because you made fun of the core of my beliefs. I find it totally silly when American Christians say they struggle to practice their religion (*ahem* like the white people over at the League of the South – they basically hit the lottery as far as American demographics go – yet they want to leave). Let’s all LOL together about that.

We don’t even need giant billboards to display our hatred. Lots of Americans wear ugliness around like badges of honor every single day. It’s our First Amendment right, after all.

We’re really divided over a bunch of things right now as a nation. Indiana pizza shops? Divided. Ferguson? Divided.

We’ve been acting like morons.

It’s childish to morph into a bunch of separate hate groups. And that is what I see happening all over our country. We HATE people who are different.

Look at your Facebook News Feed. It’ll take you a maximum of five minutes to find someone who is in some kind of ridiculous American political turmoil.

You don’t think just like me? Let me call you some names, and say something that makes me look like a total bigot. I won’t even realize what an asshole I look like to the people I’m offending. WHEEEEE!

]]>http://www.meredithsoleau.com/most-likely-to-secede/feed/32I’m going to tell you what everyone is saying about your latest MLM venture, just not to your face. #SorryNotSorryhttp://www.meredithsoleau.com/im-going-to-tell-you-what-everyone-is-saying-about-your-latest-mlm-venture-just-not-to-your-face-sorrynotsorry/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=im-going-to-tell-you-what-everyone-is-saying-about-your-latest-mlm-venture-just-not-to-your-face-sorrynotsorry
http://www.meredithsoleau.com/im-going-to-tell-you-what-everyone-is-saying-about-your-latest-mlm-venture-just-not-to-your-face-sorrynotsorry/#commentsTue, 23 Dec 2014 21:26:07 +0000Meredithhttp://www.meredithsoleau.com/?p=5124

Before we even get started, we might as well get this out of the way, I totally understand that you, the best MLM Sales Consultant ever, are going to disagree with me. I understand that this is going to upset you. I understand that you will rage in the comment section.

But hey, the truth hurts.

This post isn’t to bash you, it’s just to let you know that the shit you’re doing to market your body wraps, mascara, workout videos, nutritional meal supplements, or nails… well, it’s not working as well as it could be for you. In fact, most of us are super annoyed by your sales tactics.

I’m here to help. Because sometimes we have to take a good hard look in that mirror, and say to ourselves, “This girl Meredith, who I currently think is a total bitch, is actually kind of right, and maybe I should try something different.”

Annoyance #1: Market Saturation

I know everyone is trying to make millions selling Younique mascara. But listen, you’re going to run out of customers.

Everyone will either try it, and decide they don’t like spending $30 on mascara, or they will buy it from someone else.

You see, this is how MLM marketing works. You have to constantly recruit people to work under you. And then those people have to sell. And you have to sell. And pretty soon, everyone on the planet is selling Younique mascara or sick of hearing about Younique mascara.

My advice? Get in at the start-up of an MLM company. Don’t get in once we are all already annoyed by it. It’s too late for you in the mascara game if you’re thinking of joining now.

Or just sell drugs. Even if the market is saturated, people are truly addicted to your product.

Annoyance #2: Your Product Kind of Sucks & People Pay To Get In

I actually got sucked into the It Works scheme at one point in time. I wanted them to work so badly that I bought the starter sales kit. 20 wraps to start. I also had to make a monthly order. I feel like it was $99 to get started, with a monthly order of $50 per month. Who knows… this was years ago.

If they worked, I was going to sell them to my friends. I would hustle them on my blog. I would be rich! It Works people told me so!

They didn’t work.

I am still totally fat.

So I never hustled them to my friends. I gave them all away for free. But we did wrap our faces in them to try to get rid of our double chins (this also didn’t work – yes, we drank water the whole time).

I forgot to turn off the auto-ship thingy.

So besides the 20 body wraps, I was also stuck with a few months of eye cream being shipped to me. You know… so I could call myself an official It Works Sales Consultant. Or Fitness Coach. Or whatever the hell the title was.

Honestly, I think the sales people are probably funding most of these companies. That’s why constant recruitment is so important to those at the top.

Most Jamberry Nail Consultants laugh when I send it. But sometimes… they say weird things back to me like, “You should get your nails done and try Jamberry! I’ll sell you $500 worth of nail stickers, and you can take them with you to the nail salon!”

Guuuuurl… if I gave a crap about the appearance of my hands, do you think I would allow them look like this?

Annoyance #4: Stop Blowing Up My In-Box

Here’s the backstory… she really wanted me to host an online Younique mascara party. She was hammering my in-box. I finally just used the excuse that I work in social media, and I am under contracts with my clients on who I represent. So no, and online party would never work for me. Which? Is true. I am in strict contracts.

But look, I was totally on to her. I don’t know how many ways I can tell you that I am not going to hustle your fucking mascara. Even if you pay me.

It’s FUCKING RUDE that you would ask what I charge as I am denying you. I don’t know you from Adam. You don’t get access to my fee structure. Your “bigtime businessman” husband can tell you that’s not how the grown-ups do business.

And who says things like “bigtime businessman”? I feel like you’re 13-years-old and talking to me about how your dad can beat up my dad.

This whole relationship you’re trying to build with me is really bizarre. We can all agree on that.

Call it what it is, you want me to sell stuff underneath you and make money off of me.

Annoyance #7: Your Facebook Profile Is All Around Annoying.

All you ever talk about are these damn shakes.

So I hid you from my newsfeed.

This picture is clearly some corporate Beachbody crap. Five people have shared it in my newsfeed today. Do you all sell to the same woman? Doubtful.

So I hid you from my newsfeed.

I’ll bet you’re getting hid from people’s newsfeeds more than you realize. Ask yourself this, “Are the only people who like this my mother and other people who sell this stuff?”

You can tell you’re being annoying based on the number of people who interact with you, who aren’t your mom.

Make an actual Facebook business page if all you’re doing is using Facebook to sell your product. You are acting as as business. So be one.

I know no one sees your stuff on your business page. You have to pay for it to be seen… by boosting your posts. But guess what? You can target those boosts to people who are on diets. They would actually buy your stuff. Thus making you money. Spend a little money, make a little money. And why should every other business on the planet have to pay Facebook to be seen in the newsfeed, except for yours? Screw you. Your business isn’t anymore special than mine.

Make a business page. Act like an actual business, since you’re so serious about it.

I talked to other marketing pros about you. The conversation went like this:

Erin: Posts that were clearly written by the corporate office. Personality is a huge part of MLM success. I counted no less than seven posts by non business pages today. Three from the same person. Two from the same MLM company.

Lauren:The constant…”If you invest just…$34 (which is actually $134) you can enjoy the product yourself AND make money! What’s not to lose?” Or maybe the “I have a trial pack for just $39.99 for a 3 day. No it wont make you lose weight but it will make you feel better and that means your a perfect candidate for losing weight when you spend $89.99 for the 1 month pack.”

Dee:An acquaintance of mine just started selling Jamberry. No joke I ran into her at a local coffee shop over the weekend. She whipped out a whole bunch of them & tried to sell me. Sorry I need my latte before I can deal with that. There’s a reason I usually go through the drive thru.

Mandy:Don’t automatically add me to groups, and don’t interrupt my conversations about grown up manicures with your sticker talk. Can you refer to me as “Mandy Jamberry-Younique-Fish” in your post?

Meredith: Yes, your new maiden name is Younique. It’s like you were born to sell this.

I’ve been doing this weirdly gratifying experiment. I’ve been telling people no whenever I don’t want to do something.

In fact, I think I’m starting to get off on telling people no. I’m obsessed!

Probably because I’ve spent so many years doing everything for others, that it finally feels right to be doing things for myself. I should have done this long ago.

You’ve really got to try it. So to help you, I’m giving you my most popular forms of rejection.

You’re welcome in advance.

1. This just isn’t a good fit for me. I don’t like it.

Say this whenever something isn’t a good fit for you, and you just don’t like it.

The TV show was a bad fit for me. I didn’t enjoy it. It made me uncomfortable. It felt like a very demanding hobby. So I quit. I don’t even feel bad about it.

Ladies, I see so many of you keep men around for too long. Tell them they aren’t right for you and you don’t like them. Just be upfront, or you could be missing out on someone really great for you!

It’s okay to throw in the towel sometimes.

2. I don’t have time.

I turn down work like crazy. I just don’t have the time to do it.

There’s no sense in committing to something that you’re going to half ass, or worse, never even start working on it.

I’ve learned this lesson the hard way.

3. No. You’re not going to fuck me. Fuck you.

Sometimes you just have to tell folks to “fuck off”. If you don’t, they’ll keep messing with you.

And you don’t necessarily need to cuss to get this point across. What you can say is, “You’re being super stupid.” And then you make them feel super stupid for being so stupid.

I can give you, like, 80 examples of when to use this, but we don’t have all day. So here are just a few examples:

1. When someone owes you money: You may have to call your attorney for this – he probably is really good at “fuck you”.

2. When someone gets aggressive with you or your buddies: “Whoa! Are you getting loud with me? You’re being super stupid.”

3. When someone has been talking about you in a bad way: “Bye, Felicia.”

Don’t put up with this kind of garbage, folks.

4. I don’t know how, and I don’t want to learn.

You have to add the second part. People try to tell me they will teach me how to do things all the time. No. I don’t know how, and I don’t want to learn.

This is why I still don’t know how to send something via FedEx. I knew if I committed to learning how to fill out shipment forms, I would become the go-to FedEx girl for the office. So I never learned. I just didn’t want to deal with it.

5. You’ll be fine. You can totally handle it all by yourself.

Sometimes people just want you to do their work for them.

No! Tell them to do their own work!

6. Maybe you should try this other thing instead, and I will handle my business without you.

People want what you’ve got. Especially if you open your own company and people get the impression that all you do for a living is play around on Facebook all day long.

These people clearly don’t understand that you have spent years perfecting your craft, and that you’re actually an expert in this space. So they should just stick with what they know. And you should just stick with what you know.

I like fashion. It doesn’t mean I should design clothes. Same goes for most people and any sort of digital media marketing. So I’ll do this job. And you keep doing your job. Unless you’re looking to become my assistant. Then I will teach you.

So no, I don’t want to teach you how to open your own agency, doing exactly what I do at my agency. #SorryNotSorry

7. If I take on one more project, my family will kill me.

If you don’t want to do something, this is the perfect excuse. Who can argue with family time? No one. That’s who.

Sorry, PTA.

8. Stop hounding me. I am never going to do this thing.

People don’t like rejection. So typically, they go away.

But every once in awhile, you run into someone who direct sells body wraps, mascara, or meal supplements. These people don’t understand the word “no”. They are taught to “overcome rejection”.

You have to tell them straight up that you have zero desire in ever becoming “fitness coach”, even if it means you are missing out on six figures a year.

9. Drop off the face of the planet.

I hate to admit it, but sometimes I just disappear. I am no longer on your radar.

I stop taking your calls, I won’t open your emails, I have maybe even unfriended you on Facebook.

I just want you gone. In a quiet way.

Totally works. And I no longer feel angsty whenever I see your name.

10. Just say no.

Because oftentimes, we don’t owe anyone an explanation for our decisions. Why do we feel obligated to make excuses? Just say no. Don’t even apologize after you say it.

They gave me a list of questions to discuss with you guys. I’m throwing the list out the window. I want to explore the deeper meaning of this book. Because even if you didn’t read a single page, the deeper meaning really is something worth something talking about in any relationship and with yourself.

When I am asked to review something, I do it honestly. I feel like I owe it to my readers to not be a sell out (even if I was paid in wine and free downloads for you guys – I LOVE WINE).

So let’s start with the bad news first. After all, everyone’s a critic. In this case, a book critic.

Mr. Haylon needs an editor. Not in a Fifty-Shades-Of-Grey bad writing way, but just in a add-a-comma-after-names-when-you’re-addressing-someone kind of way.

Then again, I’m a comma whore. So yes, there are some typos. But you know what? It even didn’t matter.

Honestly, I loved this book.

I really became emotionally invested with these very flawed characters (who met once a week at a local pub to discuss why they were failing at life).

Here’s why they are all failing:

You can’t force love.

This was the entire theme, wrapped up neatly in one sentence, but when you read this ONE sentence in the book, you end up having a complete epiphany.

These characters were all fucked up, because each one of them made the same mistake in a variety of ways. They tried to force love (or someone else did) because they wanted it so badly (or because they were running from it). They would enter the wrong relationships, hoping everything would work out in the end.

Which is why, in my opinion, divorce rates are so high.

You can’t force love.

So don’t marry the wrong person or hang around because you think this is what your life should be.

I guess, what I really took away from this book, was a deeper understanding of why some relationships don’t work, and will never work. Someone can’t want love more than the other person. Period.

Let’s See Which Character Best Describes You
(even if you did not read this book, I bet you can relate, or you have been with someone like this)

Tracy: She was the kind of girl so desperate for someone to pay attention to her, that she would mistakenly fall in love with someone she never met from online dating, and she would send naked selfies of herself to guys. She would also let people move in with her after a single in-real-life date. She rushed everything. Complete acts of desperation all the time. I KNOW SO MANY WOMEN LIKE THIS!

Charlie: She was sleeping around on her husband. Even though her husband was a great guy, and together they seemed to have it all, she just never really loved him. And by anyone’s standards, she had a perfect life. Kids. White picket fence. The whole nine yards. Yet? She was always looking for something else.

Jeremy: Work-a-holic. He never had time for a relationship. Then he was fired from his job and realized he had nothing. He couldn’t even remember what it felt like to be touched anymore.

Arthur: Arthur is old and wise. In his old age, he confessed that he never stopped thinking about the one who got away, even after 50 years of marriage.

Eric: His wife is pretty much his full-time prostitute. She sleeps with him for a roof over her head, and he takes care of her and her son in return. They literally do not talk to one another.

David: The player. He is super lonely. His hook-ups are often drunken, mean nothing, and no one is really good enough to keep around. He has a child he never sees from a very brief relationship.

Kate: Her husband left her after her 50th birthday for a younger woman. She had been a kept woman. Now she finds herself trying to navigate the world alone for the first time ever. As a result, she comes off very cold and bitter. Why? She’s your typical scorned woman.

Know anyone like these characters? Of course you do!

So what did you guys think of it? Did you like it? Do you relate to any of these characters?