If you would like to avoid paying any tax on this purchase, please use my Panama bookshop outlet giving them your full bank details and any PIN numbers you may have. This way it saves a lot of paperwork for you.

Lord Stephen Green, the Head of HSBC during the dark years of tax avoidance and evasion, is currently reluctant to talk to the press about his then tenure at the bank. In those days, he was not at all reluctant to share his views on the moral and ethical questions facing the banking industry. He was not only a Banker but also the Author of ‘Good Value’ and ‘Serving God? Serving Mammon?’ I assume Mr Mammon was a Tax Evader.

‘Good Value’ book review: With bank bailouts and executive bonuses in the headlines, it’s hard to find the connection between banking and ethics.

But it’s an argument that Stephen Green, chairman of HSBC — one of the biggest banks in the world — makes in his new book about banking: Good Value: Reflections on Money, Morality and an Uncertain World.

Green is also an ordained priest in the Church of England. In his book, he proposes a “new capitalism” that brings good business and good ethics together. He says moral and spiritual values should take precedence over immediate profit

As no doubt you are aware the Institute of Mediocre Management’s bankers, HSBC, are in the press accused of manifest skullduggery. The left wing socialist media outlet, the BBC, has accused the bank of ‘ helping wealthy clients across the world evade hundreds of millions of pounds worth of tax’. Leaked documents reveal details of almost 7,000 British clients where many of the accounts were not declared to the taxman.

We’ve had a quick check on our membership files and compared these to the 7,000 names and quite a few of you are on this list. So you’ll need your people and in particular the bean counters, to step up to the plate and prove they are worthy of the phenomenal salaries you pay them and help get this mess sorted out.

STEPHEN ‘Nothing to do with me, I was just the Boss’ GREEN

The IMM’s Chief financial advisor The Hon Lord Stephen Green, Grand Vizier of Zurich and Esteemed Holder of the Golden Toblerone is unfortunately indisposed and not taking calls. However his assistant George Osborne will hopefully be available on the help line later on.

In the meantime the IMM suggest the following actions be taken.

[1] Write to your MP denying everything and pointing out that if the rich pay taxes the leadership of this country will depart to safer tax havens than the UK. And you might mention that evading taxes and fiddling expenses are errors of judgement rather than criminal offences.

[2] Point out to HMRC and the Government that they should be concentrating on the £2.6 billion of fraud and overpayments in the benefits system. These people are not important and do not contribute to the economy unlike us.

BENEFIT FRAUD IS THE BIG ISSUE, OBVIOUSLY

[3] Get over to Switzerland ASAP with a large suitcase and get your money out in cash. Then post the suitcase from there to a young relative and mark the customs documentation ‘Mega Monopoly Set’. Even if opened this should still get through. If not, the worst a minor will get for money laundering is an ice cream ban and the naughty step.

There is though a silver lining. The bank now faces criminal investigations in the US, France, Belgium and Argentina. But in the UK, where the bank is based, no such action has been taken. Also although the HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC) was given the leaked data in 2010 it has only identified 1,100 people who had not paid their taxes and almost five years later, only one tax evader has been prosecuted.

So, chop chop and on with the actions assigned. Fear not the Institute will continue to fight on behalf of all Mediocre Management and we will be holding our usual Tax Avoidance Tuesday gathering next week.