You’re Too Old To Act Like That!

No, really. You are. And it’s not just you. It’s you, and you, and youuuu…and probably some of your friends, too. You are the circle you keep, ya’ know. It’s not just an old adage, it’s true: “Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are.”

At a certain age, you’re expected to mature and be able to exhibit grown-up behaviour, be able to judge your surroundings and act appropriately, and put your good manners and home-training to use. And then…there are some that act like their mama didn’t do her job don’t.

That said, are you the “Dear God, Pretend You Don’t Know Me” one in your group? I hope not. But someone is! Here’s some examples I’ve come across that perfectly illustrate some ways you, or someone you know, might be “too old to act like that”.

The Political Facebook Ranter: I don’t want to bust anyone’s bubble…but no matter who wins the White House race, you’re not getting to move in with them. You won’t get a cut of the President’s paycheck (which isn’t as much as I bet some folks think) and you’ll never be invited to dinner on Sunday. That said, politics is always a touchy subject, that I *highly* recommend NOT discussing on the internet, unless you can do it WITH smart and educated commentary and WITHOUT personal and unrelated attacks to other speakers. See? That means most people just can’t do it. But what they DO do is post 50 inflammatory and biased memes, cartoons, and “facts-my-dog-told-me” alllllll up and down their page and tag as many potential opposing views as they can. How mature do you have to be to realize that just because you posted it on Facebook, doesn’t mean anything is solved or “officially decided” in either direction? How old should one be to realize that making enemies on the internet, via brave words typed behind a keyboard and monitor from many miles away, is never worth catching that fade if I see you on the street, muthufucker degrading yourself or another person in your network? Apparently older than 50, because that’s the age of a man who did just that to me yesterday. Classy. “YOU’RE TOO OLD TO ACT LIKE THAT!“

The Snarky Dinner Guest: As someone who entertains often, I can absolutely say that these folks don’t often get repeat invitations. If I have to wonder if you’re practicing for your HBO Comedy Special debut or there to enjoy a good night, I don’t want you back. Is interrupting people to have the >ZING!< joke every three sentences, in every single story, worth social scorn? I don’t think so. But some people persist in attempts to be the loud life of the party, usually after the over-assistance of alcohol. At a certain age, it stops being cute. That age is 12. So in most cases, “YOU’RE TOO OLD TO ACT LIKE THAT!“ But going back to alcohol for a second, that brings me to…

The Party Drunk: I mean…this one explains itself. There’s that one person who over-indulges, speaks recklessly and blames it on the Goose cause it had them feelin’ loose, maybe even vomits on your silk duvet that you *just* had cleaned and…oh…wait…I’m getting too personal here… and generally needs a babysitter and/or a couch to lie down for a little. That’s great for the college years, but if we’re out together, I’d like to have a good time too. I don’t want to always need to hold your hair back (ladies) or find someone to pour you into a cab (gentlemen). Buzzed is fun. Sloppy is EWWWW. College etiquette expires at 22. It’s not becoming of someone your age. Why? Because “YOU’RE TOO OLD TO ACT LIKE THAT!“

The No Call/No Show/Not Sorry Pal: You’ve made plans with a friend. It’s confirmed. And when the hour arrives… ::tumbleweeds:: There’s one in every bunch. I say, prune your bunch. This type of disregard is usually reserved for failed romantic adventures that go nowhere after a couple instances. Why put up with it in friendships? Answer: you shouldn’t. Your time and planning is just as important as theirs. And without even an apology? That’s just a rude lack of manners, at the very least. I can’t figure out why you should keep hanging out with them. When they hit you up for plans, just recap the last disappearing act and say, “YOU’RE TOO OLD TO ACT LIKE THAT!“

…and last, but not least (but because I wanted to make them wait, given how much they hate that)…

The Kindergarten Attention Whore: One evening I hosted a Girl’s Night In, and we were discussing what each had made for dinner before leaving our respective significant others for our She Time. Girl A stated her dish, Girl B stated her dish, Girl C got interrupted by Girl A who had to tell me, loudly, AGAIN what she made, Girl D stated her dish, and was promptly told by Girl A that it was similar to her dish, but with the following exceptions…blah blah blah. O_O WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST 3 TIMES! STFU ABOUT BROCCOLI AND CORN AND STEAK (oh my!) FOR FUCK’S SAKE ALREADY!!! She then spent the rest of the night interrupting people’s conversations to tell them something she wanted to say at that very moment, even resorting to calling their name over and over till they stopped what they were doing or saying and acknowledged her. “Eva-Eva-Eva-Eva-Eva-Eva..,” as I spoke to another guest across the room. I didn’t know what to say. Should I have brushed off my mother-of-a-toddler speeches and admonished her with a time out? ::shrugs:: Instead I just vowed to not repeat that invitation mistake. Once grown, your sense of security and self esteem should carry you through a room, much more than being the center of attention on-demand can. There was no nice way to tell her “YOU’RE TOO OLD TO ACT LIKE THAT!“ …So I let a lack of further invitations say it for me.

As we grow older, we grow wiser, and our behaviour should reflect that. Operative word: should. Sadly, that’s not always the case. Know someone who needs a grow-up call? Send this to them. Are you that person? Honey, FIX yourself before it’s too late and you’re a social pariah.

Don’t make me have to ever tell you that, “YOU’RE TOO F*CKIN OLD TO ACT LIKE THAT!“ <– I’m not nice about it.