I am a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Sober, by the Grace of God, since July 24, 1984.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Life Stuff

That's the pie, in a little pie carrier thing, that I brought to work for a potluck lunch today. I did not eat one single morsel of it! Yikes. I got a ride in to work with my daughter today. She had a meeting in my building. She got invited (by people other than me) to the potluck. We got to sit together - with people who know us separately. It was fun to watch them look at us and realize how much we look alike. Enjoying a lunch with super smart funny clever people is fun. These people are running vast enterprises. I like being around them. In my old job, I worked with super smart funny clever people, but they were all doctors and that can get tedious. Missing my daughter is one of the hardest parts of my new job - we used to work in the same building and go out for lunch almost every day.

Today was a good day at work. Tomorrow will be something. I have a class in the morning and then I am going to observe a site visit of a doomestic violence shelter. I hope this does not prompt more PTSD, but I wouldn't be surprised if it does.

I can change who I am today, but I can never change the experiences I have had. There was probably a time when I would have told you I was grateful for all of my experiences because they made me who I am. But I think I could have been who I am without having endured loving a man who broke my bones. I think I could have been who I am without having been raped.

Oh, I know... we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will see how our experience can benefit others. I have experienced that. I continue to experience that.

I wonder how it is that I find myself involved with a doomestic violence program as part of my job. I can handle the mental health portion of my job - it is what I have been doing for the last 18 years. This other thing? Throws me for a loop. I will get used to it.

A couple of years ago, I underwent a specific therapy for PTSD. When we began, I was to name a "safe place." I thought I should think up something impressive (like a desert island), but all I could think of was my bedroom. In the summer, it is a slice of heaven with the window open, the sheers floating in the breeze, and the ceiling fan humming. In the winter it is still nice. I am so grateful I named that as my safe place. It is right behind me now as I write, and in a minute I am going to go lay my body on my bed.

My body is safe, warm, clean, and unthreatened. My bed is safe, warm, clean, and unthreatening. I have every single thing I need in this moment.

What keeps going through my mind in some things I am dealing with, is "the only way out is through." Maybe, as you walk through these places that are triggers for you, you will become stronger and heal more? Maybe there are some hurt spots that hadn't healed all of the way yet and that is what some of this is about? Maybe...I don't know of course. I am praying that God works His perfect will through these situations for you. That you know He is walking along right next to you and you aren't alone.

I am glad for your healing MC. I hate that people put each other through such things.

I was blessed to emcee a local "anti" domestic violence rally/celebration/prayer service this past fall. It was a moving experience, to say the least. I have been blessed that my life has never been touched by such things.