Simon: Jennifer writes a new play every week. She has done this since her 16th birthday, the point when she first "found her muse," which means Jennifer has written a lot of plays. The problem is not that she "found her muse" or that she is so prolific. In fact, the problem is that they all suck. In the past four years, Jennifer hasnt written anything even resembling a good play. And yet, she continues to write one a week, every week.

Lights up full.

Jennifer: (Writing a letter.) Dear Simon, I really wish you would stop pointing out all of my short-comings. Im not really sure what you hope to prove by doing this, but it would mean a lot to me if you would just stop. I dont go around telling everyone that you wet the bed until the 5th grade, so Ill thank you to discontinue this behavior. Not only is it damaging to me, but Im sure youll find that it is also ultimately self-destructive. I appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Your friend, Jennifer.

Simon: The real problem with Jennifers plays is the characters. She never has real characters. You think shed eventually catch on to this and change the way she writes, but she doesnt; she just continues to write about hollow characters with no true motivation. And from there, the problem worsens. You see, all of Jennifers "characters" are some sort of half-assed literary incarnations of herself. By doing this, she makes her plays impossible to understand. No one gets her plays  not even her.

Jennifer: My dearest Simon, again I am writing you to request that you please stop telling everyone about my damn plays. I understand and am aware that you strongly dislike them, but that does not mean you need to tell everyone you meet how awful they are. This is exactly why your personal relationships fail: you never let anything go. It is in both our best interests that you stop this negative behavior. I do not believe that I am asking too much of you. Please consider what I am saying. Thank you in advance, Jennifer.

Simon: Jennifer really gets off on being misunderstood. And thats why she writes what she does. All of those gad-awful, incoherent plays are really just a misguided excuse for her to not be accepted. Its not really her fault, though, I think her parents might have locked in a shed during most of her childhood. That would certainly explain a lot. I mean, what else could possibly have caused this irrational fear of fitting in.

Jennifer: Simon, I have tried and I have tried to be tolerant of you and your little idiosyncrasies. Up to this point, I havent even been too upset by the fact that you continually disregard my wishes. I am asking you again to please respect my request and stop all this silliness. We are to the point now where this is getting out of hand. You have no reason to spread these ridiculous stories about my childhood. You see, your slanderous lies get back to me. You can not say such things without my finding out. Please, cease and desist, Jennifer.

Simon: I once asked her, "Jennifer, why dont you try writing something that makes some sense for a change?" She just scoffed that not-so-enigmatic scoff of hers. She really tries so hard to keep that thin veil of mystery around herself. Its almost sad the way she cant pull it off.

Jennifer: Simon! Why must you continue this behavior?! Honestly! I do not understand why you have become so fixated upon me. For the last time, knock your shit off! I am begging you to please refrain from anymore of this nonsense, as I am growing too tired to deal with it. I am serious. I really mean it this time, Jennifer.

Simon: Another things she likes to do because she thinks it makes her mysterious and tortured is write letters to people that she never sends. I guess its supposed to give her the appearance of being all the more dark and lonely. But honestly, what the point?

Lights down.

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