“I feel so empty” says Queen

The Queen said “I waited decades to reach this milestone; survived all the attempts on my life by my son, and even the foiled coup d’etat launched by the Krankies.

“But it’s a hollow and empty victory.

“Basically I beat grandmother’s record by accumulating more days of wearing a particularly vulgar ostentatious hat. I have wasted my life.”

Buckingham Palace has rejected calls for the Queen to abdicate, and made a statement saying “Even though Her Majesty is a bit down in the dumps, she’s still not giving up, because making Charles cry is one of the few laughs that she and Prince Philip still get.

“But yeah, the whole ‘longest reign ever’ milestone is all a bit of a disappointing damp squib.”

But royalist Quentin Letts said “A woman born in the 20th century has greater longevity than one born in the 19th!!