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Sunday, 1 February 2015

FORGOTTEN GEM: HELL COMES TO FROGTOWN

Picture the scene. I was twelve years old at the time. Every
Saturday night my dad would come home with a video from the rental store. He
loved his action movies and I was introduced to the works of Stallone,
Schwarzenegger and Seagal at a very young age. I couldn't get enough of film
night and my love of action cinema came from there. One particular evening
stands out to this day, it was the night my dad introduced us to Hell Comes to
Frogtown. "What's it about then, Dad?" I enquired somewhat
despondently. "Well it's about giant frogs taking over the world."

I was disappointed. That was obvious. It sounded rubbish.
Children don't disguise their feelings in the way that grown-ups do, so an air
of unrest was inevitable as we gathered on the sofa to watch his latest
acquisition. My brother and I fought to contain our laughter as the opening
credits rolled, even at the age of twelve we knew the difference between
quality entertainment and seven foot tall dancing frogs. Would we really have
to wait a whole seven days before our next action fix? As it turns out, we
loved every minute. Some films stay with you, and not always for the right
reasons, but I've never had the chance to revisit Hell Comes to Frogtown. Until
now.

Being twelve at the time, most of the storyline went over my
head. With the 20th Century drawing to a close, nuclear war had wiped out
civilization as we knew it. The hopes of the human race now lie with one man
and his loaded weapon. That would be his gun, right? Oh how I miss the
innocence of youth. Sam Hell may be an ex-con, but he's also one of the last
surviving fertile men on the planet. "What's fertile mean, Dad?"
Would've been my response at the time. "Ask your Mum", the all too
swift reply. Now, under the custody of two feisty female fighters, Sam finds
himself on a mission to impregnate the women of the world. Dad must've glossed
over that part.

Sounds like a plan I guess, but don't forget I was twelve at
the time. My hormones were all over the place. Watching grown-up movies was
great and all, but sitting in the dark with your family as a bevy of beauties
got naked in front of you, well, it didn't always make for comfortable viewing.
The ladies in question were prisoners of Frogtown, home to a gang of mutant -
not to mention ill-mannered - amphibians. Looking back now, it's easy to see
why this movie stayed with me. There were girls and fleshy bits aplenty.
Starring wrestler-turned-actor Rowdy Roddy Piper, Hell Comes to Frogtown is an
unashamed B-movie with more guns and girls than you can shake a frog's leg at.

Roddy went on record to say that this was his most natural
performance. He admits that the director didn't like him much, and realised
early on that an Oscar nomination was unlikely, so he chose to have fun with
the role instead, and as a result, Hell Comes to Frogtown is one of his most
memorable performances. The other being They Live. It's a short list. Like me,
his wife didn't really know what to expect from the movie. Though he's pretty
sure it hit home when she turned up on set and met his female co-stars for the
first time. Things were frosty for a while there, I'm sure. Looking back now,
Sandahl Bergman could've done with a few more meals inside her (that's not a
euphemism) but Cec Verrell - as the gun-toting femme fatale - was more than a
match for my virginity.

For newcomers, Hell Comes to Frogtown is a curious blend of
Mad Max, Big Trouble in Little China, Barbarella and Planet of the Apes. An
action comedy that has no right to be as entertaining as it is. Roddy can't
really act, the special effects are goofy and the storyline is utter nonsense.
The action sequences are underwhelming and the movie - as a whole - fails to
capitalise on the promise of its title. However, Hell Comes to Frogtown is a
fun movie. Some of the creature effects are outstanding, the dialogue is
genuinely funny at times, and most of the girls are worth keeping an eye on.
Hell Comes to Frogtown is energetic and rarely dull, an 80s relic dusted down
and given a new lease of life by Arrow Films. It's by no means a classic, but
they don't make films like this anymore, and the sheer audacity at work is
enough to gloss over the cracks of quality filmmaking.

Much like the old days, when I was a disillusioned twelve year old
sitting down to watch Hell Comes to Frogtown for the first time, I
was expecting to be disappointed by this mystifying 80s oddity all over again. How wrong was I? Hell Comes to Frogtown is lightweight, ridiculous and mildly
titillating. Basically, all the things a twelve year old boy - and a grown man
attempting to reclaim his youth - could want from a movie. With talking frogs
thrown in for good measure. "I gotta tell you, you are one weird
dude." No arguments there.