May 20, 2010

Each Thursday, your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales, and flea markets. I do this for one reason: knowledge is power.

The Cover Promises:
“How to use the other 90% of your mind to increase the size of your breasts.”

Representative Quotes:

“If for some reason you are not able to imagine the blood supply to your breasts, you can imagine that your breasts are being nourished by colorful tubes which have valves for controlling the amount of nutrients necessary for the various cellular components of your breasts.” (page 26)

“As you blow up the balloons of your breasts, you see them expand and become red in color.” (page 98)

But what about those women who worry their breasts are neither wide nor intelligent enough to win the great critic’s thumbs-up? For their benefit, here’s a peek at the “Total Mind Power Technique” of Dr. Donald L. Wilson, as presented in the immortal Natural Bust Enlargement With Total Mind Power.

Wilson includes 33 pages of such bosom poesy. His technique demands you either tape-record yourself reading this stuff and then play it back, you zone out, or you enlist some companion to read it aloud to you. Imagine that companion fighting off the giggles when declaiming lines like these:

“At this moment, you taste the saltiness of the tropical water, and the taste reminds you that your breasts are increasing in size as each day goes by.”

And:

“You look up at the sky, and you see a white cloud formation in the shape of your breasts which reminds you of how perfect you breasts can be.”

And:

“The taste and redness of the apple reminds you of the red hormones which stimulate the fat and glandular cells of your breasts.”

That last one probably explains this photo:

Think about fruit long enough, and Wilson promises you’ll be a horn of plenty yourself.

Describing a patient, WIlson claims “After two months, she was, as she put it, ‘the size of oranges’ and at the end of three months ‘the size of grapefruits.'” He even brags that no friend or patient who has ever tried his system of softcore verse has ever been dissatisfied with the results.

This is disturbing. Early on, he writes, “Because so much importance is placed on women’s breast size in our society, it is quite reasonable that a woman might feel inadequate if she is not fully developed.”

It is, of course, the nature of his racket to encourage such feelings. But by peddling this hopelessly vague system that is certain to fail he expands them to entirely new realms: body-image issues are now not just a failing of the physical self, but of the mental one, too.

“The birds are singing in a rhythm which reminds you of the beat of your heart as it pumps blood with vital oxygen and nutrients into your breasts.”

“You picture in your mind a red switch and a peach colored switch both of which control those hormonal and molecular stimulants influencing the development and support of your breasts. You see that the switches are in the ‘on’ position.”

“At this moment, you notice the smell of some fragrant flowers near the white sand beach, and their perfumed scent reminds you of the fullness and attractiveness of your breasts.”

Shocking Detail:
Wilson’s heartfelt dedication:

“This book is
dedicated
to every woman who
wants to increase
the size of her breasts.”

Highlight:
The 141-page book is more padded than falsies. Besides the breast poetry, Wilson includes 31 pages of preparatory verse on the subject of magic carpet rides and curling bare toes in the grass. There’s also countless repetition, a chart to mark your cup-size progress, an eight-page bibliography, and an absurd 14-page index.