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Saturday, August 20, 2016

It's Snarkurday!

Our national nightmare is over … Johnny Depp and Amber Heardhave settled their divorce.

Amber, having dropped her domestic violence restraining order, will get $7 million; she claims she’ll donate some or all of it to charity which begs the question: Why drag your ex and your marriage through the mud for money you’ll just give away when you could have just walked months ago?

Oh, because you know she won’t give the money to charity unless the charity is the Amber Doesn’t Have a Job and Needs A Place To Live Fund [ADHAJANAPTL].

Now both sides are talking through their lawyer’s asses, with Amber’s team saying she was happy to settle because she wanted everything to be over, and my team saying, AGAIN, then why drag it all out, Amber? Oh yeah, coins.

Johnny’s team also spewed their version of events saying Depp wanted the settlement from the start except that he never really did.

And then because they don’t know when they have a good deal and should keep their yaps shut, Amber’s lawyers issued another statement:

“We are very pleased that this matter has been settled and Amber has been vindicated in the Court of Public Opinion. The case was incredibly challenging and demanding on everyone involved, but mostly on Amber who showed great grace and strength under fire. It was an honor to represent her.”

Oops. The lawyers then tried to take back the statement when they realized they had yet to receive a check form Johnny meaning, yes, I’ve said it before, it was always and only about the coins.

Speaking of nasty relationships … Chris Brown and Nia Guzman, the mother of his daughter Royalty.

They fought overchild support … child custody … child asthma — Nia claims Chris gave their child asthma by exposing her to weed and cigarette smoke ... and now a judge has ended it all declaring … wait for it … Chris Brown the winner.

Nia took Chris to court requesting full custody of Royalty with monitored visits for Chris … she requested that Chris submit to drug testing ... she requested that Chris’ mother be denied visitation with Royalty.

The judge said No … No … No. And, after hearing all those No’s, including Nia’s request that Chris pay for her attorney, Nia realized she would not be getting any Brown Coins this time and dropped her request to have her child support upped from $2500 a month to $16000 a month.

Who knew that a judge would ever come down on the side of Chris Brown?

But still … no drug tests for Chris Brown??? This really is a new day.

Justin Bieber got all kinds of pissy last week after posting pictures of himself with his new girlfriend, Lionel Richie’s 17-year-old daughter Sofia.

It seems Bieber fans — Plural? Really? — kinda made fun of Sofia on social media and so The Biebs came down hard on the fans:

“I’m gonna make my Instagram private if you guys don’t stop the hate this is getting out of hand. If you guys are really fans you wouldn’t be so mean to people that I like.”

And the Bieberheads were not amused:

Every time beliebers disagree with Justin on something he pulls that " if u were real fans " line #RIPBeliebers

DID HE JUST COME FOR US, AFTER WE HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HIM HIS WHOLE ENTIRE CAREER #RIPBeliebers

Justin would rather spend time with a shady hoe he met last week than the fans who stayed by his side his whole career. #RIPBeliebers

First it was Taylor Swift and now it’s Bieber feeling the social media wrath.

In divorce documents, Keshia is accusing her husband of trying to cause her to miscarry her unborn baby. Now, Rudy, er, Keshia isn’t exactly saying what she’s accusing Hartwell of but she does claim that he “has been plotting to harm and obstruct [her] pregnancy” with “certain underhanded and unusual conduct” to trigger a miscarriage.

Um. I’d like the dressing on the side of my Word Salad please.

Keshia says in legal docs that during their short marriage, Ed was constantly cursing, yelling and demeaning her and that he had affairs with multiple women, including a former baby mama, and says Ed has multiple firearms and that she feels unsafe and wants an order forcing him to turn all the guns over to her.

Huh, and after all that she made a baby with him? Oh Rudy.

Out promoting his latest film,Hugh Grant appeared on Andy Cohen’s Watch What Happens Live and the serial bachelor, and father of four or five by three or four spate women, claimed that the key to a successful marriageis letting your partner play the field and plant his seed wherever he chooses.

Seriously. But, better than Hugh’s idiocy — I love the idea of a never married man who cannot keep his unsheathed dick in his pants offering marriage advice — was Grant’s assessment of his former co-stars.

As photos of Drew Barrymore, Julia Roberts, Julianne Moore, Meryl Streep, Renee Zellweger and Sarah Jessica Parker came on screen Hug was asked to discuss them. He squinted at a photo of Zellweger and acted like he’d never seen her new face before.

Andy: Who’s the most down-to-earth of those women?

Hugh: Uh, down-to-earth? That’s pushing it. Uh, who’s the one second from the right cause I’ve never seen her before in my life.

Andy: Second from the right is Renee.

Hugh: Oh, Renee! Not exactly down-to-earth. Out-to-lunch.

Ouch.

Dear God, Hollywood is doing another remake … a remake of a remake of a remake.

A Star is Born first came to movie theaters back in 1937 starring Janet Gaynor as the future superstar who hitches her wagon to the fading has-been Frederic March. Seventeen years later the film was remade staring Judy Garland as the newbie and James mason as her alcoholic husband.

Twenty-two years after that Barbra Streisand obtained the rights and remade the film again starring Barbra Streisand, with songs by Barbra Streisand and clothes by Barbra Streisand and … oh yeah, Kris Kristofferson was there too as the alcoholic husband.

Then, forty years after Barbra ruined the film came word that Clint Eastwood was going to remake it starring that brilliant actress stripper Beyoncé. Luckily that tanked and the idea of messing with Judy’s classic disappeared until …

Bradley Cooper decided he wanted to direct it and offered the lead role to … dear God, Judy and Janet are rolling over in their graves and Barbra is crafting a voodoo doll out of old Oscars … Lady Gaga.

Gaga will … I can’t breathe it hurts too much …will write new songs for the film which will, unless Judy and Janet’s ghosts do something, start production early next year in California.

Seriously. The first one was good; Judy’s was a masterpiece; Barbra’s was a salute to all things Streisand; but Gaga’s?