Random thoughts from a few cantankerous American physicians. All contributors are board certified. Various specialties are represented here. I do not know where this will lead but hope it will at least be an enjoyable read. All of the names mentioned in this blog are pseudonyms, the ages have been changed, and in half the cases the gender as well. All photographs are published with patient consent or are digitally altered to preserve anonymity. Trust us, we're doctors.

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I effectively use this "Complimentary and Alternative Medicine" costume to treat acute on chronic chronic fatigue syndrome, acute lancinating fibromyalgia, systemic candidiasis, universal allergic syndrome, non-specific overwhelmosis, and all Axis II disorders. It works just as well for these things as traditional "western" medicine.

One thing I have discovered with patients in sepsis who are hypotensive, is that if I jump in the room when they are not looking, that they become quite hypertensive quite quickly. Also, if I scream " OOOWA! OOWAH!" as I jump toward the patient the effect seems to be more pronounced. Unfortunately, in the case of these very sick patients, the immediate spike in thier systemic blood pressure is almost always followed by a massive intracranial bleed or a VFib arrest. The skull on a stick doesn't' work so well for that (unless I crack 'em on the chest with it and this HAS worked more than once to thump them out of VFib). Right now I am very pleased with my foray in to Complimentary and Alternative Medicine. It's awesome and fun.

aside: Manny Poopsalot, chariman and founder of our philanthropic sponsor listed in our sidebar, has called-out all practitioners of CAM and non-western medicine. A free POOPSTRONG FOR THE CHILDREN mug to anyone who can prove, using traditional western stuff like statistics and double-blind placebo controlled trials, that their methodology and interventions (in and of themselves) are any better at treating any ailment than the simple 100% organic latex wristbands that the POOPSTRONG folks sell (for the children). It's on CAM folks! You have been called out!

As I mentioned before, my husband grew up in Japan. They of course prefer Eastern medicine first. He has been acupunctured for back issues, and he said it works for the short term, and then you're back to where you started.

Honestly though, CAM is just a bunch of mental masturbation. Peole want to feel in control of their own illnesses. They want to believe in mystical things that they can't explain just the same as they can't explain why they got cancer in the first place. Real medical treatments for illnesses are a hard road to go. If there was a viable alternative, who wouldn't want to slap on a poultice, drink some carrot juice, and have a healer yank chicken guts out of your psychic wounds if it would really work.

OMG!! Stop it!! There is now a puddle on the floor! My detrussor has failed me! Are you ready for tonight's Main Event? In this corner, weighing in at a colossal 5 pounds, the "Brown Mound of the Underground", the "Shit that Ate Chicago", aka: Crappus Maximus....POOPSTRONG! In the opposing corner, weighing in at less than zero, the "King of Scam", the "Master of Meridians", the "Chief of Chi".....CAM!!! Let's get ready to rummmmmmmble!!

I don't think CAM works for cancer, but it is great for toothaches and other non-emergent illnesses. I have no problem with it so long as it keeps the yahoos out of the ED, and curbs the ambulance abuse.

i hope the association for human caring will accept my membership. i did sign on to the kellog-briand pact and have declared my house a nuclear free zone and a hate-free zone so i hope that counts for something. if i need to i can organize a candlelight vigil to end meanness and also a march to end teenage acne and bullying.

"i was struck dumb" -well then, I quit. (whatever you just converted to.)Also, I can't mount a clinical trial just now. Can't. what with one thing and another. My hands are tied.[deleted by author]Also, (hi mom!) [deleted by author]

Just for the record, I'll come out as pro-CAM. (tentatively, mostly due to the fact that 911 just converted so NOISILY.)So, if I were to try mounting a clinical trial, in my free time, between one thing and another, what the FUCK is 100% organic LATEX?just wondering.also, from a technical perspective, is it hypoallergenic. Considering the study design, I could only pull off single-blind, tops, if someone had to keep an eye out for latex allergies.

Well, I probably was a bit harsh in my first post, but I really really wanted to use the phrase "mental masturbation", and CAM seemed so applicable.

I believe that there are some benefits to some of these things. A healthy diet will always help. A positive attitude is wonderful if you're sick and fighting disease. Chiropractoring really fixes up my parents backs when they go out of whack, better than the Skelaxin that the doctor prescribes them. There are some herbal things out there that are legitimate. Where would we be without asparin, digitalis, and quinine to name a few. And then you have peole like my deranged aunt who is bilking my grandmother out of hundreds in a Mangosteen multi-level marketing scheme. Grandma says, well it makes my hair and nails grow really strong and thick. My mom asked her, do you really need your hair and nails that strong and thick?

There are no standards of treatment and when people sell these alternatives as cures, it pisses me off. Desparate people waste millions because some charlatan claims that they can cure them, then they're broke and still dying.

It's like a gal told me that in some cases she's seen when cancer cure diets have worked. People dont' realize that in a few cases, cancer goes away. Cancer can be slow growing. Sometimes people are mis-diagnosed. And these get chalked up as cures to whatever alternative medicine it was. You don't hear about the ones where the cancer got 'em anyway.

I will restate my statement and correct it to say that 89.95% of CAM is quackery and mental masturbation.

Because I am a truly dedicated follower of M.D.O.D., as many others here are, I do not see the need for you to take time out of your busy day to explain to us when you are using sarcasm. At this point, those of us who understand you can recognize your wit instantly. However, for the trolls that slither around here, I guess I can see why you felt the need to justify. Cheers to you.

I'm going to use the most "traditional western stuff" I can in the comments section of a blog, sarcasm, to "prove" that "any methodology and intervention (in and of itself) would be better at treating any ailment than a simple 100% organic latex wristband." There is no fucking ORGANIC latex. ANYTHING is "better at treating any ailment" than fucking ORGANIC latex. There. I want a mug. (Although, technically, I am not a "practitioner of CAM or non-western medicine", just poor, misunderstood Richter, so technically I don't meet the qualifications to try to get "a free POOPSTRONG FOR THE CHILDREN mug to anyone who can prove....") damn. all this, to remain mugless.

Hey, 911 Doc. Here's an article comparing cost effectiveness of Chiropractic care for back and neck pain to traditional care in a Managed Care plan. I'll save you the trouble and tell you that the results were the same but Chiropractic cost less.

911, You might as well just stick a solar panel on your house, buy some carbon credits and eat a heaping bowl of granola while you're at it.

I just got back from stealing a free lunch at the CAM conference my school was holding today. The Dean of the medical college gave a rambling speech during lunch about the history of medicine and how it has evolved from the mystical balancing of humors and realigning the chi (CAM) to a rigorous scientific enterprise...sort of an ironic topic for a CAM conference.

Even stranger was the ND/LAc (Dr. of Naturopathy and Licensed Accupuncturist) that was going to give one of the key note speeches. I didn't know that such people existed. I snuck out the back door before he was able to use his Jedi mind tricks to convince my young and impressionable mind that CAM is a perfectly legitimate and that snake oil has beneficial effects on diabetes. It could only have been better if they made us all drink Kool-aid at the same time...

I've said this in a bunch of places before, but my nursing school required learning the basics of Healing Touch, Reikki, a certain kind of massage called the "M" technique and some other crap and testing out on it. Only positive information was presented and nothing critical.

I complained.

Although, I do think things like Healing Touch have a strong anti-anxiolytic placebo effect. It's just awful to teach nursing students "how to manipulate someone's aura." WTF.

richter, you are right! latex is not 'organic', hence the joke! to further vivisect the joke the point of the poopstrong movement is to make fun of those who believe stuff is better because it is 'organic'. hell, hemlock is organic as is carbon monoxide. if you want a mug then email manny and see if he buys your rationale.

As a indigenous American (wait, Frank is out of town: NATIVE AMERICAN)/Danish polygamous Mormon, I feel deeply, deeply, deeply offended, insulted, and whatever. So much so that only protracted litigation and astronomical punitive damages can soothe my injured multicultural soul. Our society is a rainbow,Doc, and I want my pot of gold at the end of it...

nurse k: "anti-anxiolytic placebo effect" wow, that is fascinating. Who knew medical jargon had progressed so far.I wonder how the "anti-anxiolytic placebo effect" would compare with the "memory sheep water placebo effect". Anybody read PandaBearMD's comments on that topic? Over at that blog, there was a posting that covered "sheep spleen memory water" fairly thoroughly pretty recently.Although, perhaps another double-blind clinical trial would be in order. (Sarcasm is NOT always enough.)

911: "richter, you are right! latex is not 'organic', hence the joke! to further vivisect the joke the point of the poopstrong movement is to make fun of those who believe stuff is better because it is 'organic'. hell, hemlock is organic as is carbon monoxide."thanks! also, shit is organic. That is a point to ponder, isn't it.

Devorrah: WHAT THE *FUCK* is a danish polygamous Mormon? to further vivisect my question (vivisect 3 times today, and it's mine forever): what the *FUCK* is a POLYGAMOUS Mormon?Mormon's have *1* wife.(unless divorced.) Also, I hope that my question does not further wound your "multicultural soul".

911: So for one final vivisection, (note the new conjugation), does this mean that the clinical trial is off, what with latex not being organic and all. Does that mean that the sarcasm was enough, in this instance? Or does Manny get the final decision, or what? Where the hell is his email adderss already?

For fuck's sake, Richter, I was joking. And my ancestors were actually religious refugees from Denmark who were practicing polygamists. They still are. Obviously they are not legally married to more than one woman. And, yes, I know, the LDS church has disavowed polygamy.

devorrah: "And my ancestors were actually religious refugees from Denmark who were practicing polygamists. They still are." Which religion had to escape Denmark as refugees? Just wondering. As far as I know, Denmark is a fairly tolerant, liberal country, so I'm suprised to hear that refugee-ness from Denmark would be necessary, although I am not as up on my Danish history as perhaps I should be, before reading this thread. Could you recommend a book on Danish religious history?

911: -gritting teeth, and grinding them, (gently:)- I mounted the damn clinical trial, not nurse k, so I am in line *before* her for a mug. What the fuck website are you refering to? Is Manny that hard to get ahold of?

Richter: My ancestors in Denmark were converted to Mormonism, but the polygamy was the problem. I have no idea about Danish history--sorry. As for doctors, I'd recommend asking family and friends or the local medical association for ideas. Best tip: Ask the nurses, as they know who are good docs. This has worked well for me.

devorrah: I'm sorry, I'm still confused, although I am beginning to feel compassion for your "multicultural soul". So, just to clarify: "My ancestors in Denmark were converted to Mormonism, but the polygamy was the problem.": so the Mormons kicked your family out of Denmark? Your ancestors were Mormon danish political religious refugees? wow. No wonder there is so much pain in your "multicultural soul." Perhaps if you read more about Danish history, you could understand better why the treated those polygamist converted Mormons so badly. Maybe I'll see if I can recommend a book on Danish history, particularly that shameful timeperiod of religious refugee-ism, since you have already recommended me 2 books, so I kind of owe you one. (Not that I'm very good with literature, though.)(Actually, I'm really not the one to ask for a literary reference. As a former English major, and someone who must have been familiar also with law libraries in her former career, I'm sure you can find a Danish history book better than I could.) sorry.Also, "As for doctors, I'd recommend asking family and friends or the local medical association for ideas. Best tip: Ask the nurses, as they know who are good docs." I assume you are refering to my question in the other thread about a referral for botox? I'm feeling less silly right now than when I wrote that, so I may not do the botox afterall. But, thanks for the tip. I'll think if over. (I'm trying to learn to stop and think before I just spew fire.)

Amy: Well, I probably was a bit harsh in my first post, but I really really wanted to use the phrase "mental masturbation", and CAM seemed so applicable.I've always said, use it 3 times today, and it's yours forever. Also, the nice thing is that you don't have to get it right the first time. So, if you didn't like how you used "mental masturbation", just try again. That's what I would do. (probably). (Actually, I have never had the urge to use the "particular phrase", but if I did, and it to be mine forever, I would definitely try to use it 3 times today.)

Amy: sorry, spoke too soon. I just re-read the comments section, and you have used "mental masturbation" 3 times. (I'm not sure whether you posted all those comments in 1 day though, but as far as I can tell, that is the only technicality you need to worry about at this point.) good for you! You've got a new phrase!(Also, like I just mentioned in a previous comment, I need to keep learning to stop and think before I spew fire. grrrrrr.)

nurse k, i am not manny (not his real name) but i DO know him. he has not yet been able to retire with the poopstrong proceeds and, in fact, he is not covering the website fee. mannypoopsalot@poopstrong.org. tell him i sent you. the code to identify yourself should be to tell him the person you hate the most in the world (at least from reading your blog)

Richter: You are over-posting, and you are not understanding the sarcasm in a lot of the posts and comments. I hate everything about multiculturalism, having lots of the crap shoved down my throat in staff trainings. The problem is multicultural education is based on the assumption that I need it, which I don't. I am just an average white person, I don't even tan well, and I don't give a shit about my ancestry. I was JOKING about having a multicultural soul, as I explained before.

richter, please email me at the address on the blog. i need to talk with you. i am worried about you. i'm afraid that if we can't agree on some ground rules then i will have to cut you off from posting. best.

911: You could also sue CAM practitioners for fraud (they lied!), but a defense attorney on her toes would argue that the placebo effect is used by respectable medical docs all the time, to good effect.

Nah, I'm home, switching my brain from nights to days rather unsuccessfully. EE and I are chatting. Get a frickin Yahoo Messenger ID and join us!

I said I needed a mug on general principle in the first place as a way of saying I need compensation for having to read Richter's comments and the confusion that followed. Based on continued levels of crayzee, two mugs are in order (but I'm kidding obviously).

True story: 12/07--my most recent appearance in the ER. I had spinal surgery 10/07, doing well. Had returned to all normal, regrettable activities. I was on a date with a doctor (not one of mine),and he hugged me. I screamed, which apparently was not the desired response. To reassure him that I didn't find him horrifying, I showed him the little red bump on back, which...oops, had turned into a nasty, horrible red mess. Staph infection, big surgery in the morning. Yet another date ends in the ER... (-:

alas, the computer nazi's have blocked the messenger function here. have a wonderful night ladies and devorrah, i would sue that doctor who hugged you as he obviously caused an acute wound infection with his groping.

Devorrah: Gross and creepy, yet funny...kinda like Etotheipi...where the heck is that dude?

Fine 911, don't join in on the fun...it's alright though, because K decided to ditch me, said something about sleeping (what is this sleep she speaks of?). Now I'm just chilling with my partner, who's snoring and my student who is undoubtedly having dreams of saving a baby's life and shit...so naive.

911: well, luckily it's only Saturday night. I'll have to sleep on it. Also, "those mugs cost $53 a piece to manufacture by children in china FOR THE CHILDREN!": for those of you who have not read up on child labor laws in 3rd world countries recently (Devorrah), I thought child labor was cheap. So, why are those mugs so expensive. Are they made of organic latex? Perhaps someone should mount a clinical trial comparing genuine poopstrong mugs with generic latex mugs. (To know if they are worth the extra money.)Perhaps you could buy American made mugs, which would at least cut down on the shipping costs.

I suspect that Etotheipi decided that today is the first day of the rest of his life, and he's going to let a smile be his umbrella. I'll miss the severed foot stories, though I could substitute with stories about my dating experiences, obviously.

911: Nah--I think I'd have consent issues...The worst part was that my orthopedic surgeon obviously heard the whole sordid story from the call surgeon. The next day, with 25 staples in my back, he said, with a smile, "Now don't get that wet. But, hey, I'm sure you can fine SOMEONE to put a patch on it."