Petra Starke: Things I won’t miss about quarantine when this dreaded virus finally leaves town

PETRA STARKESunday Mail (SA)

May 10, 2020 4:30AM

If escaping to Italy was as easy as watching Jude Law tan himself in The Talented Mr Ripley, no one would bother flying ever again. But right now you’ve got to get your travel fix where you can, writes Petra Starke.

Things were looking great here in SA for weeks. No new cases! No new cases! The daily chant from Nicola Spurrier’s press conferences almost got more catchy than the Noel’s Caravans jingle.

That was until Thursday, when our corona-case-o-meter was rudely nudged up by one. Fortunately that was just a blip, and this week we all received the joyful news that restrictions are starting to lift.

Pretty soon we’ll be able to stay home watching TV and ignoring our friends and family by choice instead of by government decree.

I know everyone is looking forward to ditching the hand sanitiser and face masks, and the crippling anxiety that envelops you every time you leave the house. That’s all fine, but my demands are a little more ... specific.

Here’s what I’ll be happy to see the back of when COVID finally leaves town:

1) The constant sound of hoons living out their Fast and Furious fantasies day and night on every now empty main road.

2) The constant sound of celebrities assuring us “we’re all in this together”, typically accompanied by footage of them beaming in their giant kitchens next to shiny granite benches and brushed stainless steel appliances. We’re clearly not all in this together, but with the size of those kitchens we probably could be.

And 3) American late night hosts forging on with weird iso shows from their houses. I mean, if I wanted to see someone crack jokes into thin air from their garage I’d just watch Youtube.

Oh, and 4) The endless articles from bored travel writers urging us to “take a trip around the world from your living room” through movies.

Look guys, I know you’re all struggling for something to do now no one’s interested in articles about cruises, but that’s not how travel works.

If we could take a trip to Italy just by watching Jude Law tan himself in The Talented Mr Ripley we’d never bother with the punishing flights, the terrible exchange rates and the extortionate tourist tax you’re forced to pay for a bowl of overcooked fettuccine in Piazza Navona (not that I’m still bitter about that 10 years later – oh, no, I’m definitely over it. Eighteen euros for fettuccine vongole, though, I mean SERIOUSLY it’s just CLAMS).

“During the coronavirus pandemic, movies with beautiful settings can transport you out of the house,” chirrups one such article currently being shared online, which has obviously been written by someone with a bigger TV than mine.

Films recommended include Netflix thriller The Laundromat, about a woman whose husband drowns in a tour boat accident while on vacation (great choice), and Monty Python and The Holy Grail, which I guess is great if the place outside your house you want to be transported to is England in 932AD.

It also suggested FYRE, the Netflix documentary about the disastrous Fyre music festival that left thousands of people stranded for days without food or water on a windswept island in the Bahamas – which is quite ironic because everyone who was literally transported to the Fyre Festival at the time wished they hadn’t been.

Still, in these times of closed borders and grounded flights I suppose you have to take your travel where you can. For me, it’s the daily round trip from the couch to the fridge and back again. It might not be that scenic, but at least it’s cheaper than Piazza Navona.