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Elizabeth Olson, Karin Porch, Rich Barham and Nelson Peck

Suicide by members of the military is a growing concern. In 2012, more soldiers died at their own hands than in combat. At the Veterans Crisis Line, a national suicide prevention hotline run by the United States Department of Veterans Affairs, men and women devote themselves to helping service members through their most difficult times.

At StoryCorps, Elizabeth Olson, (“Sometimes it’s really hard for me to talk to the 19- and 20-year-olds, because, when my kids started, that’s how old they were. And when you have a 19- or 20-year-old who wants to die, that is totally heartbreaking.”), Karin Porch (“I have had the calls: ‘I’ve got a gun to my head. You’ve got 30 seconds, why shouldn’t I pull the trigger?'”), Rich Barham (“I remember, after that phone call, being a little jerky and nervous—going outside, smoking a couple of cigarettes. And then just coming back in and doing my job again.”), and Nelson Peck (“I had PTSD as well, and what I started to realize was my PTSD was triggered by survivor guilt…I was meant to survive to do this, so other veterans could survive.”) discuss calls they have taken and why their work is so meaningful to them.

Originally aired September 14, 2013, on NPR’s Weekend Edition Saturday.

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EO: Sometimes it’s really hard for me to talk to the 19 and 20 year olds, because, when my kids started, that’s how old they were. And when you have a 19 or 20 year old who wants to die, that is totally heartbreaking. One young man, Christopher, I’ll never forget him. He had come out of the Middle East–he’d been in full combat–and he had come home to his apartment, and found his girlfriend with another man there. She cleaned his bank account out and he had no place to go. I had to talk him off a bridge not once but twice. You could hear the traffic on the bridge, the water underneath. The police came. They agreed to keep him overnight and take him to the VA the next morning. He called about a week later and thanked us. He realized that he was young and he could start over, which was what I was trying to get through to him during the whole call.

KP: My name is Karin Porch. I have had the calls, “I’ve got a gun to my head. You’ve got 30 seconds, why shouldn’t I pull the trigger?” I remember a veteran who had called 12 times. I said, ”What are we not doing for you? I really want to help.” And, as we’re talking, he goes, ”Do you believe in anything?” And I said well, “You mean like God, and afterlife, and all of that?” And he says “Yeah.” And we got down to, “I killed people in Vietnam, and I’m scared. Am I going to go to hell?” And we talked about that. He was very calm at the end, and he said, “Just pray for me once in a while.”

RB: My name is Rich Barham.

NP: My name is Nelson Peck. Rich, tell me why you decided to come to the suicide hotline?

RB: I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from my years of deployment in Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq. And when I came to the hotline, when a vet said they were having a flashback, I knew exactly what they were talking about. I remember a young gentleman, he was in the middle of a flashback, and had boarded himself inside his living room. He had three young children–they were sleeping upstairs. I had heard in the background that something had clicked, and I asked him if he had a weapon. He said he did. He was really anxious and incoherent, but, you know, after a little bit of finagling around, he did agree to attend treatment. I remember, after that phone call, being a little jerky and nervous–going outside, smoking a couple of cigarettes. And then just coming back in and doing my job again. How has your life changed since you started working at the hotline?

NP: The hotline by far is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life. I uh, was a combat veteran with the United States Marines in Vietnam. I had PTSD as well, and uh, what I started to realize was my PTSD was triggered by survivor guilt. I never understood why I survived. And being with the hotline has really given me the answer. I was meant to survive to do this, so other veterans could survive.