1/12/2010

Confession

This week everything hit at once. Crazy holidays led to crazy snow days which led to more housework than anyone should ever have to do. Ever.

I keep finding glitter in the most remarkable places.

I had Critique Partner reading that needed immediate attention, contest

winners to choose, kiddos to, y' know, raise and stuff, and laundry that insisted on making me its b%tch.

On top of all that, I have a Work in Progress that is ab-so-lute-ly killing me.

Killing me.

I've never written anything like it. It's dark, messy, involved, in third person and it doesn't contain a lot of funny. I like the funny. I understand the funny.

So here's my confession. I'm scared of this book.

I'm scared that I'm not good enough to write it. Scared that trying and failing will do me in as an artist. Terrified the words that want to be written might make me bleed, both from my pen and from my heart. I kind of want to call Holly Black (anybody have her number?) and tell her the basics and watch her run with it (with flames shooting out behind her).

I have struggled with depression in the past. Maybe a taboo topic, but I'm not ashamed to share. I deal with it by knowing my boundaries. There are some stories/situations/people I approach with caution. I need to laugh, a lot. My sarcasm and my wonky sense of humor are definite shields. I have a very carefully placed filter that I protect vigilantly.

That's why I read the ending first sometimes.

Writing is a process with many intricacies - not just the nuances of craft - but the emotions that have to be faced to do the craft well. Every character I write comes from some part of me. My best characters come from the parts that aren't so pretty.

This story might have more ugly than I care to handle at one time.

Yet while I'm afraid to explore what has been placed in my heart to transcribe onto paper, I know that I have an army of friends and family behind me who understand and who know how to love me well. I know that writing is my calling. I rest in the fact that I am absolutely doing what I'm supposed to do.

So I made a decision today, in the midst of all my folding/washing/cleaning/organizing (procrastinating).

Line by line, word by word, letter by letter ... this story is going DOWN.

42 comments:

I wish more authors would talk honestly about their battles with depression. I have nothing as profound to say about my own, except that I too have a filter, and worry that my writing is poking little holes in it that might cause a flood. ::hug:: Thanks for sharing, lovely.

Oh I am so with you. Skip beyond the occasional, I don't think I'm up for this, and step right into the WIP that wasn't. The main character scares me. The plot scares me. Why? Because I think she/it might be better than I am. Deeper than I can go. Because I don't think I can do it justice. And... and I know I'll bleed on the page and that scares me too.

I have so many other irons in the fire right now, edits, revisions, finish a story to sub here and there that I have had good reasons why not to open that particular folder. Yeah.

You are a talented writer. So remember that "A bad writer can take a good story and make it bad. While a good writer can take a bad story and make it good." You are that Good Writer. It's your story. Have fun with it. Otherwise, I'll have to stitch that sentiment on a pin cushion for you!!

But, thank you. Often those of us who struggle with our own writing hear how Real Authors can just sit down and write a story in mere months. We never see the full spectrum of pain & joy which is part of the process. Thank you for allowing us to see yours.

And you will so kick this story's a$$. You are, after all, a Ninja Warrior Princess in The Fort!!

I don't suffer from depression, and I am grateful for that. Thank you for being so honest about it - no doubt your openness will help many.

I can totally relate, however, to the feeling of being scared of writing a book. I often find myself thinking I'm not a good enough writer to bring my current wip to its potential. I then say to those thoughts, "thank you for sharing. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a story to write." And I keep on writing.

After all, like someone very wise recently said, "this story is going DOWN!"

It's going to be amazing, I already can feel it. These are the stories that change you when you write them and change us when we read them. I applaud you for being so brave! Keep going, you're amazing!

hi Myra! Congrats on your book deal, btw. I followed Debra's twitter link to you. I so know what you mean about being scared to write a book. I'm rewriting/modernizing all of the Jane Austen novels for teens... and many times, i've just crumbled under the pressure and was like, "what are you thinking, jenni? You're gonna get yourself reamed for this. Do you know how many Jane fanatics there are out there? What makes you SO special you believe you can rewrite Jane."

I've just sold my series to Valor Publishing... so hang in there. You're obviously meant to write it, so the book needs you just as much as you need it... though you might not see that yet.

Wow--this post was like you speaking for me--thank you SO much for sharing. I've battled depression before (during a VERY unfortunate period of time where my doctor put me on hormones and crying became: "if I do it less than 5 times today I'm doing good." And I tend to surround myself in the silly and lighthearted and write the same thing. But I applaud your bravery. The best stories come when writers write from the heart, and if this is the story your heart is telling it's going to be AMAZING. I have no doubt at all that you will blow everyone away with it. And if you need cheering up as you struggle through you have your fort and twitter. Those will always cheer you up.

I sometimes think we're given these parts in life, some of them dark, in order to revisit their true nature. Writing about them is like looking behind the door your mama told you not to. Once you do, what you see and feel can be very painful, indeed. But once you come out of it, the results can be very, very rewarding.

You go girl. You can do it, you will do it. You have the strength and the friends to back you up. Maybe somewhere in the process you'll even find that you've healed something forgotten. Consider your army raised.

I am an artist as well as a writer - and I know that making process better and over a longer time. The things that scare you, the things you think you maybe shouldn't, the things you don't understand are always the things that you should grab on to and hold tight to for dear life. They will lead you someplace new. They will kick your ass. They will make you better as a generative artist and in the end empower you.

It's been my experience that if you aren't afraid of a book, it won't be a great one. It might be good and fine, but in order to push ourselves into greatness, we have to have doubt, we have to have fear.

We risk whenever we write. But when we write something that scares us, we put everything on the table because that's the only way to do it properly.

Can I ask a question? What is it that made you want to write this book in the first place? Was it the challenge of it? An opportunity to grow as a writer? Or maybe, just maybe, its a story that you can't stop thinking about. I believe that those are the ones where a writers skills, and emotions, rise to the occassion.

I have the exact same fears when it comes to writing... Of course, you are getting published, and I am nowhere near that =) Still, I understand those fears, and am glad to here that someone feels them even after getting signed. The thing is... you have to get over them. I just recently started writing again, after 10 years (OMG! 10 years!) of NOT writer's block bc I let my insecurites get the best of me.

Hey! This post proves it! You're a professional author now! You've joined the ranks of many great scribes before you who have doubted their writing careers. Good on ya! So proud! 8D (Notice all the exclamations? Each one is special and completely necessary.)

Thanks for this, Myra - I'm jealous that you are able to so freely express what's on your heart here. I think I often feel that others are not able to deal with my "dark side." (Part of that whole being a minister's wife thing, for me...) I definitely think it is a writer's curse to become too involved in the dynamics of humanity, to FEEL too much - almost to where it can go to a dark place in our minds. But isn't that what makes the best writing sometimes? Just keep coming up for fresh air and encouragement as you need it! I think it's awesome that you're challenging both yourself and your writing. Stick with it because it is clearly a story worth telling - otherwise it wouldn't be so hard! (And here's my weak attempt at some vulnerability here - you will never know how much this post encouraged my own feelings of insecurity today in the same areas. So, truly, thank you.)

I think you can only write dark if you've known dark. I've experienced depression, it wasn't pretty, and I survived. I think you have to create/write without boundaries. It has to hurt a little. Thanks for the honest post, Simon.

I have a book idea like this that cries to be written. I'm more of a bubbly teen romance kind of author and this darker not funny story kind of freaks me out. I'll write it though. It may even become my nanowrimo novel. Oh dear.

I sometimes think we're given these parts in life, some of them dark, in order to revisit their true nature. Writing about them is like looking behind the door your mama told you not to. Once you do, what you see and feel can be very painful, indeed. But once you come out of it, the results can be very, very rewarding.

I don't suffer from depression, and I am grateful for that. Thank you for being so honest about it - no doubt your openness will help many.

I can totally relate, however, to the feeling of being scared of writing a book. I often find myself thinking I'm not a good enough writer to bring my current wip to its potential. I then say to those thoughts, "thank you for sharing. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a story to write." And I keep on writing.

After all, like someone very wise recently said, "this story is going DOWN!"