to gain an understanding for this blog, please start at the first entry January 19th 2011

It has been less than a month since I’ve posted and I see this circle of experience took almost one month and a half.

I want to be clear what I write is a blog that captures this journey in chunks. I don’t write a daily hurt blog or confusion blog or let you know where I am emotionally blog until the cycle of experience has made full circle and I am back to feeling fulfilled, vital and buoyant. I do this because what I want is to feel good and if I am focusing on what does not ‘feel good’ I pinch off my opportunity to get to where I want to be.

I do my best to focus on what I want even if it seems what I don’t want is winning. ‘What Is’: Disease, lack of, should have, they have, I don’t and I am not, I never will be, you’re fault, you should, they should, they shouldn’t, broke, (under lack)… you get me?

Whenever I am stuck in a perspective that does not serve me I zip it on the blog because I hold myself back from playing out this experience moving toward the place I want to be; content, fulfilled, mindful, allowing, joyful, meditative, prosperous, satisfied, knowing, connected, passionate, FULL OF APPRECIATION!

When I focus on ‘what is’ and the ‘what is’ is not what I desire, I normally clam up in my bedroom cave. I don’t participate much in my own life, art feels lackluster, friends feel bothersome, my art community becomes a hassle and making phone calls almost feels painful. I do the minimal at work and practice fake it till you make it with out believing I ever will. I don’t want to be like this and I feel stuck and out of sorts. So I shut.
Kinda like mum used to say: “Let’s not say anything unless we have something nice to say”. And so I truly know if I get to going about ‘poor me’ on a subject matter I think is causing all this ‘dis’ comfort; I shall fill a few earfuls with all my analyzing the why and wherefore, I shall tell you this comes from the time I was abandoned or in 2nd grade when I felt belittled for never being picked but last for kickball (true story teehehehe) Oh don’t think I didn’t talk a little of this stuff here and there I did, but when I found myself doing it I backed out of the conversation and returned to the cave with the utmost desire for my well being to return.

I could tell you at this point the ‘reason’ I caved, but really it boils down to not enough ‘ness’ in any of the categories . It’s the pushing against people, places and governments! ha!… Of course all my stuff that pops up and reoccurs like a bad movie, (most recently ‘bad teacher’ omg yikes what happened Cameron Diaz?) comes from my ‘history’ my ‘past’, however through this work in the law of attraction I’ve even seen my history change. I shall save that subject for another day.

I remember a story in the teachings of Abraham I like very much. Ester who is the person accessing her eternal nature she calls (her collective consciousness) Abraham, told the group I was sitting in that the reason she no longer has many of those extreme highs in understanding nor epiphany’s and enlightened moments that felt so utterly thrilling was like the time she desired and received her Monster Bus back in the day when they were first able to to buy one. You know the busse’s the Rock Stars drive? She had dreamed and felt this bus into being and had such delightful anticipation when they first got the bus. She remembered how fear and delight were a heady mix as she got behind the wheel and started it up. She felt thrilled and was at the same time gingerly wondering if she could actually drive this thing all over the country and not get her and Jerry in some deep do do. Well months later she never thought twice of taking a turn that in the beginning was something she was so completely focused on, she just drove that bus as if it were a part of her. She always felt good as the miles flew by and then one day a question from someone in the audience brought up the fact that he missed feeling this high about the information on this law of attraction. He missed the huge demonstrations of his own well being. And so Abraham told this story and I too am telling you because this is what is happening to me; For many years I have been falling and by some miracle have gotten up and shared my success. I just shared a story here in my blog recently of falling on my ass and getting up and feeling such wonder, bliss and deep understanding. The degree of what I thought I had come to understand was profound to me.
This last experience has proved a bit different in finding myself back in the saddle. I was at a stop light and became aware of how I was feeling. I felt good, I thought back and realized I had been feeling good for several days now. I smiled and realized that there was no big band welcoming me back to me. I laughed as I had just listened to the story of the bus on one of my Abraham CD’s and began to understand what that story meant to me. All that was a seeming struggle in the last month and a half was totally gone. I felt that what was behind me was behind me and ‘that was that’. I thought about you, my friends here at this blog and what was I going to say?

I knew then that I was always connected to me. Being in the ‘vortex’ as Abraham puts it is not such an effort as I thought it was. Well, I did work this last month or so at allowing all this stuff to accumulate and dissolve, without too much worry. I said little to others about what seemed ‘wrong or disturbing’. I was not hiding anything, I was transforming my world at large in the only way I knew how, to continue to find a thought that felt better than the one I was thinking or just turn my attention to something else and for me I dove into my movie cave or dreaming away the day in sleep.

I have to say I never doubted I would come around again, I ‘knew’ I would and part of what I would say to me in finding a better feeling thought was: Lina, you been here and you been though this stuff, don’t worry you will come round.” Looking back I feel like I had really never been very far at all from this part of me that is so dominant, the 99.99999999 part of me that listens to my desires and then becomes all that I desire. That part of me that will never let me down and beckons me to join in and become too what I have asked for. That me that is the essence of thought even before thought is thought. Teehhehehe ok… I’ll stop here.

As I write you I admit I am a bit thrilled; seems like tears are coming too. Tears feel like love as is writing you, from all that is my heart.

It’s like a continual notation to self… what are you feeling? What are you thinking?
I’ve not uploaded in awhile as I am working on some ‘things’ that seems to be really getting me goat. I am excluding some not so helpful items from my diet and I struggle. So give me some time to experiment with ‘reality’ and ‘creating the reality I desire.’

In the mean time a few photos and a poem I wrote. Thanks for your patience, sometimes when I feel like I am on my way again connecting to all that I am becoming and have become… more shows up that does not feel so good. Sigh

When I listen to you I begin to feel. I picture us both walking on a sandy beach fresh from a coffee high. It’s a warm day now leading into balmy cool night and I have a smile on my face.
Side by side we walk, my head cocked toward your mouth where the story is being told and because I really don’t care (as in I hold no judgment about what is being said). My speaker feels and unpereceptively understands this fundamental space I hold, inviting harmony and hope thus creating a place as safe as the sunset we are experiencing together.

While the water sparkles from the waning sun, I feel my anticipation dance as you continue to speak, pausing the pace with a sly remark about your own release and how good it feels to ‘talk’. I look deep for the moment into your heart. I see a comfort that pleases my sense of purpose, of our purpose in the grandness of this thought: the more you know, the less you know.

I revel in the tale being told for it reminds me of a life or death march; knows where it is going and will not stop until the end is at hand. I almost hum ‘ah ha’s and the listening spirit of my flesh to yours feels enveloping and warm. My mind wants sometimes to break in… a habit here in my country, but the listening spirit wins out.

I want to be part of your process. I want to do some good and hold this place while listening as sacred stones did from the beginning; creating a circle for many wandering peoples, those band of nomads driven to walk toward unbearable unknowns ultimately finding their own evolution.
Oh the gifts I am awarded when I don’t care if I should ever speak again. I vibe like a cello low and deep at first and then, as the story escalates, so does the sound of my listening heart.

Our symphony takes on a real creative process and we are alike in mood and rhythm. My smile gets bigger as the shadows of the evening fall only to hide my glee.

Listening has become a process for me to bond with my beloved storyteller.
I am happiest listening; I carry the tune of the ages within.

to gain an understanding for this blog, please start at the first entry January 19th 2011

My last post was talking about my dis ease by way of what the symptoms where and how my Miracle Doc was addressing them with his knowledge and his expertise.
I’ve most done as suggested; givin up red meat and most all meat but sometimes I will have a bite of chicken or fish or small serving of them. Most of the week I drink his veggie juice and lately I am a bit hooked on Cheese and bread. Now this is not what he wants me to have. I know each time I drink this powerful vegetable drink fresh and has not been pasteurized, I feel movement in bowel and in my whole body saying yes yes yes…
So here I am a ‘bad girl’ … not doing everything he has asked of me. I still have not given up my one cup of coffee a day with my soy milk nor have I embraced his seaweed soup in the afternoon nor his sweet potato and avocado in the morning and afternoon.

To tell you the truth I do not know why I do not. (more later)

All kinds of things emotionally happened these last few weeks since my last post.
I went to an art show (my first) that was in terms of money and exposure (less than 100pp showed up), unsuccessful. It brought up my core ‘issues’ of I am not enough ‘ness’, I don’t like art shows because I did not sell (quitter quitter), Now comes up this strong feeling of: WHO THE FARGE AM I?

Oh my goodness friends I was tossed in the ocean of self pity (my own doing yes) and managed to hole up in bed as much as I could with my Hulu Television channel dialed in, as I only watch t.v. through my lap top. I was completely aware of my trigger thinking and the complete cycle of this ‘down time’ lasted perhaps 2 weeks. Howerver the fact is I did not stay in bed all day/night and went to my nieces graduation… Oh my what a thrill that was.

Here is a composite of shots I took while visiting her in Seattle Washington:

I can truly say this was not a place that was unworkable. Infact I went out and did what I needed to do. I came home to a complete mess at work but did not get angry and the thing that finally got me off and running to the place where I am today (in amazement) was this…
I kicked my own ass. heheheh
Now this was a picture I wish someone had taken to give you an idea of how far I flew.
I will try and give you a description that you can see in minds eye.

I think I was on the verge of being ready to let go my anger, resentment, my past, and most of all feeling dang uncomfortable. On this day I woke up from a pretty sound nights sleep and had been back from the trip to see niece graduate almost 2 days. I sat up and put my feet on the ground. I felt off a bit as I had found out the death of my friends husband had happened by way of an email I had just read. Next I wished it had been me. You see I go to this place of of ‘death wish’ as if it were just a part of my cycle of working though this stuff here in time/space reality, all my life I think I had an inkling that death is not death but a release of ‘pushing against, a release of all RESISTENCE’… We need not go into the ‘my truth or yours’ on this subject but the point is my resistance to well being was what was taking it’s toll on my happiness. My thoughts, my shutting down, all things I have used in the past to ‘not allow’ for my happiness and ease. Habit more than anything else this thought of death.
OK…
I got up and was not thinking much more on the ‘death’ thing but I did feel for my friend who was I knew feeling much loss. I got out the door going to work and perhaps I was shuffling down the walkway like some mental patient I don’t know, but I was ill dressed and certainly not at my best in ‘being in the moment’!
Then it happened, I almost heard the moment that I hit the ledge of the uneven pavement and went literally flying forward and there was nothing I could do! I did have time to think ( i think hehe) to turn just a tad so my face did not get slammed. My hip, hand and shoulder did and as I hit the pavement before me, I began to laugh! That’s right, none around me and if there was I am sure they would have taken me to the mental hospital. It was a belly laugh a delicious spontaneous laugh that reverberated all throughout my body. I turned over on my back and felt for a moment paralyzed to get up, I did not worry, the wind had been knocked outta me and there I was thinking, “Oh my Lina, you are so damn powerful, see where your thinking has gotten you today? I closed my eyes and said to my hip, hand and shoulder. “Ok guys, I get it, thank you for being part of my awakening. Now lets mend right now and not make a big deal of this because I truly do get it” … I went to each area and petted them with my soul. I kid you not, I do this now, I pet myself sometimes physically sometimes with my ‘soul’ and then I sat up. Again none where around me and I got up. I felt relief at last, like that perverbial ‘weight’ had been lifted right off me. I was smiling and so very glad none were around me. This was my own private moment of awakening and I thought too how glad this binge of uncomfortable thinking manifested in a way that would not hurt me l was sure.
I was again coming to a joyful feeling of AWARENESS AND ACCEPTANCE… HERE I AM, HERE I AM RIGHT NOW, PROTECTED AND LOVED

Today is my writing class. I’ve been to the doc and I said see my bruise on my hip I got last week. He said Lina there is nothing there. Wow, let me say that bruises used to last for weeks….

I have had stream of consciousness thinking in the last few days. Thoughts that involve a feeling of something is just around the corner it is a powerful feeling and the thinking is vast and I am just unable to go back and rethink this kind of thinking.. however the feeling remains. A powerful feeling of accomplishment and future wonder come to manifest and show up just at the right time. I feel sure footed and full of frisk.
This beloved last two weeks of contrast just added to my pot of desires, expanded my own sense of ‘Self’… for I am really beginning to embrace the contrast as I would embrace the times like now when I feel ‘on the verge’… This life here is awesome to experience. I could not say this last week but I can today, and with full on powerful joy I can say this. “So here I am today… Here I am now… still asking and yet knowing I shall receive” because I feel like I already have Received.

Who Am I, my purpose
Financial Freedom
Art Worthiness
Self Worthiness
LIfe Abilities revealed more and more
Health and Well Being, Regeneration of all my bodies functions…
..
you see out of all the contrast I did some BIG ASKING… and I know with this work in the LOA (law of attraction) that I’ve done my part and asked,
Now I also have done my part and allowed the FEELING OF EXPECTATION To be present.

So I tell you true, it is as if the answers have already come to me in ‘feelings’ (most important) as well in mental constructs (just my own musings on how things work in the universe because I so love to think) (less important but FUN)…
I am a bit of a drama Queen, so perhaps my bent of nature will always have some ass kickin involved. However next time… I want a week of feeling bad taken off… One is enough!!
It has been one hella Ride. heheheh
xox

to gain an understanding for this blog, please start at the first entry January 19th 2011

WHEN I HAVE…

More Money
Clarity; who am I?, what should I be doing?, where am I going?
More Understanding about others, about this work in the LOA, about me
Better Lover (any lover…hehehe)
More appreciation for what I do; at …work, home, from children, from partner, from boss(s)

Just worked thorough a big movement towards what I have become. All the time I am honing my list of desires and so many times my becoming state of ‘being’ is more than where I am or who the ‘I am’ is settling for.

I wanted to let you know sometimes the gaps in the blog are not because I am not paying attention to it but rather I am working through the next entries theme. I’ve so much to say on this subject ‘when I have….’ and so this week my work and now a friends husband has passed (there is an interesting subject in the law of attraction) that I will not be blogging until Monday.

In the meantime my world has connected once again to the Vortext of well being and my work and my being close to my friend who feels now such separation from her dear love and friend will be where my time is spent.

I appreciate all of you so very much. I feel the power of words from heART and the connections they seem to make here. This blog is a big JOY factor for me.

to gain an understanding for this blog, please start at the first entry January 19th 2011

The beginning of my morning felt so unsure. I belong to an art site that seems to be in upheaval over another artist or artists that seem to project negative and slanderous ideas into the world. Well I thought; “look around it never ends”.

During this week I thought of all the issues I find offensive. The American Government is such a huge issue with me. I’ve tried to swear off television as I find the Media corrupt, I find horror in the wars ‘we’ allow to persist and that none are doing a thing about it.
Instead we are fighting each other. I have been angry, resentful and finding this ongoing anger from others at this art site was to me pittance compared to what angers me! I became a ‘know it all’ and I thought others were ‘less than’ because I really knew what is Wrong! I thought to myself “Don’t you see the real cause of all our ills is our blind eye to the people who are really screwing us!!! I became jaded towards people I truly adore and so the dis-ease was spreading. It was spreading into my eating habits, I began to eat meat again, I began to feel the pain in my joints, I began to shut down and spent Saturday my birthday, in bed. Like wild fire the pain of feeling out of control and that I was not being listened to but lied to was manifesting like wild fire in my body. I was aware very quickly however that I did not feel good and so I worked the weekend finding ways to feel better even if it was in the eating; I said to my self, I will eat and love it! I did! I said ok I will allow myself to rest in bed without guilt and listened to ½ Abraham and ½ paid attention to all the other stuff that was giving me pain. By Monday today I woke up and said ok Lina, enough. Enough buying into the uncontrollable stuff, what can you control? “ My thoughts” I said. And how do you want to feel Lina? “I want to feel good”. So before I got out of bed I put a smile on my face, I closed my eyes with a smile on my face and asked to be shown how to feel better and before you know it a letter came to me in my art site from another artist with an incredible link to a video and a site that talked about Free Hugs

I remembered Amma the Hugging Guru from India a place with so much outright corruption and pain I remembered her motto was to LOVE AND SERVE and so I started from there. I wrote a free flow poem, did not think but just wrote:

I am seeking to let go the oars

Down the river I go
I see My smile is reflected in the mirror
Of my heart

I am at peace.
I am at peace.

If even for a second I connect
To the profound truth
be it hidden or unknown
unknown till it is known…

I feel good when I allow
I feel good when I have a feeling

We are connected

I am at peace
I am at peace

I shall open my heart
Again
and again
I will tend to it with a knowing

We are connected

I am at peace
I am at peace
I open up and open up
and feel

We are connected
We are connected

I am at peace
I am at peace
Linaji 2011

Hugs are simply amazing.

That was my jumping off point and I got up and felt no pain. I got going on a letter I owed my boss and person I am working at work with where things in the summer seem out of control sometimes. I felt the love flow through my fingers and I felt solutions were being born.

I went to Docs office and there he said to me; “Lina you worry?” and I began to cry, he could see my crippled thoughts had effected my sweet body and I said yes, I did but now things are different. I cried and said all the hate is around me and inside me, I see people who hate someone and they themselves are becoming like the haters.. Ohhhhh I cried. He all along said that is ok LIna, all of this is going now. And it did, my pain was released and there I was thinking to myself, this is not about anyone else but my own focused beliefs.

And so here I am now, writing to that sane place of connection with all that is my Source. Here I am feeling better knowing I have said out loud I give up my hate today, today I give up my fear of governments and others that I allow to take away my freedom to love. Today I am redirecting my attention to how I want to see that world not how it seems to be. I did it with my body and now I feel I can do it with my world at large…. I have see in these last years the proof that one must be the change they want to see.

to gain an understanding for this blog, please start at the first entry January 19th 2011

I started to write out my Testimony for Dr. Lin, in my last entry Breakthrough in Healing which also included a background of Dr. Stephen Lin. Below is my Testimony for Dr. Lin in full:

My Testimony for Dr. Stephen Lin:

Before I came to the healing rooms of Dr. Lin I had suffered a deep depression and was in the throes of experiencing an acceleration of symptoms from a disease I discovered I had in 1999, Hepatitis C. I contracted this virus in the mid 80′s when the screening for blood from donors did not take place. I was in the hospital 3 times for tubal pregnancies which landed me in the emergency room 3 times and laid up in the hospital for almost 2 weeks each episode.
Coming from a background in Christian Science I was feeling fine and so let the thought of doing any radical treatment that involved so many side effects with only a 40% chance of a cure go as an option. I had gone to India and lived for 6 years off and on and in the end suffered for the living there by way of pollution in air and water. The food was too good either as much of the soil in India is watered with unprocessed sewage. I came back in 2006 very sick and so began the decline of my health.

By the time 2009 came about I was coughing so bad sometimes I thought I would throw up and the persistence of the cough felt unnerving. I began to take antibiotics which did something for a bit but not much. I was so weak that I could hardly climb my stairs home after working my job which sometimes lasted 12 hours on my feet.

I had heart fluttering (Atrial Flutter) which I knew was not good as I read the possible effects from such a condition. I also had several angina attacks and felt my sweet heart was suffering way too much. More so my skin would itch at night to a degree of almost burning. My left foot was beginning to feel ‘frozen’ and I knew this a circulation issue and was a possible precursor to Diabetes. In May of 2010 I began to sleep and feel tired to the point that most days I would be in bed by 3pm and not get up till 6am the next morning. I did not feel well and thought sure this was about my last days on earth.

On a Sunday in the last week of January 2011 I asked the Universe/God to either take me back so I could start again or I insisted if I was to be here please let me live a quality life! I was in tears and felt like this was the end of my time. The next day I met a friend who told me of Dr. Lin as I had broke down and told her of my fears. I met Dr. Lin on a Monday and by Wednesday in the last week of January 2011, I had my first treatment.
After that first treatment I sat up and felt like I was vibrating from the inside out and I remember feeling like I had deeper breath and was full of light. I told the Dr. as much and he sat me down and showed me my new life in diet. Basically he said for me with Hep C I needed to be on a Vegan Diet with Soy Milk and soy beans as my Protein along with other food items (veggies) that carry a good amount of Protein, and sweet Potatoes with Avocado, a staple he recommends to woman at my age and time.

I noticed how good I felt when I left the office and I noticed how much better my knees felt. My knees, even in the best of times, where a weak point in my body. When I woke up I noticed a marked difference in my pain threshold and where I had been taking 4 to 8 Ibuprofen per day, I stopped immediately and have not taken except one in the fist week of my recovery. What a miracle that was and now after drinking his amazing cleansing juice with 3 treatments per week I have lost over40 pounds as of this writing and it is end of May. I have noticed a huge shift in my ability to work my job. What joy to notice after working the 12 hours shift, I felt as if I could work 12 more! I had still suffered pain in back and body at about 10 hours in but now I feel strong and fit. Almost after the first treatment my cough which I had for over a year was completely gone! Dr. Lin said my cough was from my heart. No more fluttering, No more angina attacks. My knees are feeling so happy and I am celebrating with whole heart the changes that take place inside and out.

I am an artist and have noticed too my ability to create is X 10! I feel more clarity and more joy when I am working my art!
Each day I truly wake up with more energy and freedom inside my body. I continue to follow his recommendation in diet and recently he showed me a way to gain energy through a ‘chi’ exercise that brings vitality and youth back to the body.

I’ve my whole life back and I remember what the Doc says when I am feeling ‘overwhelmed’…
DO WHAT YOU CAN DO
SAY WHAT YOU CAN SAY
THEN TAKE IT TO GOD
AND LET IT REST

What wisdom and what gifts this man has been given! I’ve no doubt I am cured of my diseases for he like myself believes in REGENERATION OF THE BODY. After each treatment he says to me when he is done…“Ok Lina, One year YOUNGER” and let me say I do believe this is so.
Thank you Dr. Lin, you have truly changed my life from the darkness into the light.