Monday, March 18, 2013

Newest happenings

Normally I detest making a public display of my life for the world to see but I need to talk to someone and who better than people I don't know? (Don't forget to check out my two other blogs)...

I have my bf here who is my rock and I can talk to him but I just need someone else, I have like 4 other bff's to talk to but well. My pride is too great and I just can't. sure, troubles of the heart back in high school fine. don't want to be judged or pitied especially by people i know.

Well, anyways off topic. I have estranged myself from my mothers family, and my mother. As of a few days ago one of my older sisters too. Who is 3 years older than me but well. She's super duper immature and just ignorant? She doesnt get anything and believes she is always right and well. The things in her head are never quite right........ But well. I miss her. But I want her to grovel and come to the realization that these are how things will be. and to make first move. It's hardly ever like this. Have wanted to call her to talk about songs, and latest happenings on glee and Vampire Diaries, she's my person for that stuff.

Our spat started over a simple request from me to take down pic she reposted of my son so my mom can't see it and make it her profile pic because it just drives me INSANE with rage and well. a mix of stuff.... and she refused for a while even though i put it in the gentlest way possible. she eventually gave in but gave me attitude and we traded that back and forth a few rounds and well. defriended her after her status about how i asked her to take the pic down and all that. (she sucks at using facebook, gives everyone a play by play which no one cares about. and of course always writes a status about what i am doing wrong and trying to turn me into the villain).

She has done it yet again, and my family is just saying 'oh one day she'll grow up and come back and yadadada' but i am grown up. i am right in my decision to do what is right for my new family: son, me, and my bf.

I am in the right! I am done with being her pawn, and her slave. and tons of other stuff. Laziest person ever, and a creep (something havent told anyone else, not even my bf who is like my bff. She used to make us show her our boobs and well, she wanted to see if we shaved down there or not.... and what size we were. and touching inappropriately with her stupid laugh, not in these moments, just around the house randomly). I am protecting him. I have sworn off mom forever. My family on her side has kind of shut me out. stopped talking to me, occasionally will resend friend requests. only one aunt talking to me. it hurts a ton, but i did turn my back on them, how can i expect them to return my messages and act as though nothign happened and be happy when i crushed everything?

Back at home, we had a pretty rough go of it with that atrocious woman: she lied to us saying our dad physically and mentally abused us and made us paranoid he was always coming after us. never allowed to hang out with friends, always stayed in. blinds drawn, windows shut, sometimes no lights if she thought he was making a trip to see us. staying absolutely quiet. when snuck around to hang out with friends would get yelled at and grounded, and well, we were always grounded for stupidest reasons just to stop us from going anywhere.

Mom is laziest person ever. we were her slaves: wash my clothes, fold them and put them away. make my bed. make me food, get me cereal. get me chocolate milk (can go through a gallon in a day or two). Write emails for me, play my facebook games so i don't fall behind. brush my hair. braid it. go through it a gazillion times with fingers and get them all greasy. give me massages. babysit, watch the kids and make sure they dont get in trouble while i either sleep, play computer, or get on phone. Even though my youngest daughter is begging for me attention keep her away from me. oh and clean the house from top to bottom spic and span. oh and forget doing what my new husband told you to do, instead do what he wanted me to so I dont get in trouble with him. ALL of that is what she did, and even that isnt everything.

She has tons of friends but is so two-faced and manipulative and fake. and no one see's it except me and sometimes my sisters do. everyone is always taking pity on her and making us look like horrible people and that we have no right when she is the awful one! And well. we hardly ever got new clothes, and even those came from goodwill. was always about her. and what she wanted. her greed will be her downfall. She used child support to support her lifestyle, not us.

So am I really in the wrong about keeping mom out of my life? but well. I am prepared to live with the consequences. considering i did this.

I have my older sis before I am just moving on. that she is blind and should get out too. That that part of my life is over and i am never going back. that i am protecting my son and doing what is best for us. And well lots of other stuff but everyone is making me be the evil one? the one who is lost and immature, and selfish. I'm not! how can you make the ignorant see what they refuse to acknowledge? I have tried so hard!!! but it just doesnt stop. they keep hounding me. and then bashing me on fb where they think i cant see but then go right around to trying to friend me and be all sweet and trying to get me to "come around". had to turn phone off for a few months because got like 20 phone calls and texts and voicemails from them A DAY.

Why can't they just accept it and move on? The more it drags out and they refuse to see it it just makes me ache that much more. and well. cry. have burst out a few times while typing this actually. It kills me to be in this position and to have them reminding me constantly. I am always nice to everyone and hate to cause pain since well. forever. and dont feel bad about cutting my mom out or any of that but it just kills me when i think of my sisters and being cast as the bad one and getting trash talked about and like im the ignorant one, the stupid one.

I don't know how to explain anymore. I am trying to paint as clear a picture as possible so you can get in my shoes with no misperceptions. But somehow even after all that i still think i am failing quite a bit.