Script

Law & Order Necrophiliacs

By Emily Axford & Dan Gurewitch

EXT. CITY STREET - DAY
A TAPED-OFF CRIME SCENE. DAN and EMILY, as two gruff
detectives in trenchcoats, approach a DEAD BODY. Two EMTs
and a few LOWER-LEVEL COPS mill about.
DAN
All right everyone, clear out.
Detective Benson and I will take it
from here.
The various others walk off, leaving them alone.
EMILY
Poor son of a bitch.
DAN
No honor in putting a bullet in the
back of a man's head.
EMILY
He was completely vulnerable.
DAN
If you think about it... he still
is.
EMILY
I tell you, this kind of senseless
violence makes me think there's no
God.
DAN
If there isn't, then nobody's
judging us. We could do whatever we
want. In life.
(re: corpse)
To him.
EMILY
Too true.
(into a tape recorder)
Victim's left arm appears to have
been dislocated. Contusion above
left eyebrow, legs slightly spread.
Almost flirtatious, inviting.
An EMT walks up to the body. Dan stops him with an arm.
DAN
Step away, sir. He's in our hands
now.
(beat; as the EMT leaves)
Our strong, curious hands.
Emily turns to Dan.
EMILY
It's crazy the power we have, as
detectives. As "alive people."
DAN
One minute he's buyin' groceries,
the next he's lyin' cold on the
pavement, and someone could just
come along and treat him like their
personal playground.
Dan lightly runs his foot along the corpse's leg.
DAN
Has rigor mortis set in?
EMILY
Well, we could find out. Lift up
that shirt, see if the nipples have
become erect.
DAN
Wouldn't even have to ask his
permission.
(beat)
What a soulless crime.
EMILY
Same could be said of this body. If
you think about it, we're gonna
send him to the crematorium, burn
him to ashes. I mean, how is that
any worse than if we, you know...
tickled him?
DAN
Or spanked him, for that matter.
The detectives KNEEL DOWN on either side of the corpse's
face.
EMILY
Whoa.
DAN
What is it, Detective?
EMILY
I was just dusting for prints and
our hands lightly touched. You
don't- you don't think that meant
anything, do you?
DAN
Well, I guess we can't conclusively
say that he wouldn't have liked it.
He didn't ask you to stop.
EMILY
Which I would respect if he did.
But he didn't. He can't.
Beat. Dan leans close to the dead man's face.
DAN
What happened to you?
He ever-so-softly KISSES the dead man's cheek.
EMILY
Careful, Detective. It's important
that we don't contaminate the body.
Dan looks at her hand. REVEAL Emily is GENTLY RESTING HER
HAND on the corpse's INNER THIGH.
EMILY
Oh, whoops. That happened.
Dan looks at the corpse's forehead bullet wound.
DAN
The bullet left the skull right
here... right at the hairline.
Dan TENDERLY BRUSHES THE DEAD MAN'S HAIR AWAY FROM HIS
FOREHEAD, and BITES HIS LOWER LIP.
Dan and Emily get up and circle the body, squinting their
eyes as they act out the victim's last moments, pointing out
evidence. A FILTER and VAGUELY TRANSPARENT IMAGES
dramatically transport us back to the crime.
EMILY
There's blood on this wall, which
means the bullet must have been
fired from over here.
DAN
The victim reached for his gun, but
it was too late- he stumbled and
dropped it as he fell backwards.
EMILY
As he took his last breath, he lay
down to die... right...
DAN & EMILY
...here.
Both detectives lie down and SNUGGLE UP on either side of
the body, lying CHEEK TO CHEEK.
CUT TO STREETER (as a GRUFF POLICE CHIEF), looking at them
through a chain-link fence.
STREETER
There go two of the finest
detectives this city's ever seen.
CUT BACK TO DAN AND EMILY, HUMPING THE BODY FROM EITHER
SIDE.
END.