I M Perfect.....and it is impossible not to be!

April 2015

04/30/2015

I now have one of my public speaking moments on You Tube. It was taken on a cell phone, so of course the quality isn't up to par, but the message still holds. This was in the summer of 2012.

As I drifted off to sleep last night, I wondered to whom this speech would be helpful to or who would benefit or be inspired.

It hit me....family.

That's who needs to hear about a pedophile in their midst are family members; the ones whose lives and their children's lives are at risk. And, yet these are the same members who don't want to hear about it.

Speaking about my father to a room full of strangers who don't have any contact with him isn't helpful. But, if the family would have heard me, its impact would have left large ripple affects.

When any victim of incest speaks out; the ones to benefit the most are those closest to them.

For all the statistic show that 90% of sexual abuse will be with someone you know, and of that, 50% with family. My public speaking isn't for the general public, but for those connected to me, my siblings and my parents. However, no family ever attends my speeches.

It is for those who are close enough to be infected by either the abuse or the denial.

This was my first speech....in public. Yet, I have spoken about sexual abuse in much more detail....one on one. I have spent hours and hours trying to find a way to get family to hear. (whether in the spoken word or in writing here on the blog)

It doesn't appear to matter how good the venue is, or how articulate the words, or whether I am barely contained in anger and rage, or speaking from concern....it all falls upon the deaf ears of family.

What I mean by this, is that they have refused to give up on our family; no matter what. They have chosen to keep me at a distance in order to save any familiar shreds of family.

I for one, know how life changing it is to really bring in the totality of your sexual abuse. Especially to see your family in its horrific reality. I know the cost of hearing me.

My speaking engagements are no longer for my family to hear; but for those like I, who are estranged. To give hope that there is life and love, outside of the dysfunctional homes...and relationships. AND, to show the actual growth in fabric of your self-esteem and awareness and Self Love!

I speak as a victim. For I am.

But, I also speak as one who has found her power.

Which makes me no longer an active victim...if you will.

What I love about this speech is that the conception of WIND was just beginning...and here we are 2 1/2 years later going strong. WIND is what I imagined...and beyond.

It isn't so much my speech, but my life and all the walking it took to bring me to that podium. The speech is just a thumbnail of my journey...

04/22/2015

Many people in the UP are waking up and are disappointed, for their minds were wrong, again. If you feel completely distraught due to the bright white ground and decorated trees, it is because you think it should be different.

You think it should be green.

You think there should be blue skies and flowers...

When instead you see white...and grey and brown mud puddles leaking through the snow...you will be crushed.

This is how the mind gets ahead of reality and plans it out and then is so disappointed when reality doesn't match what it thought.

How hard will it be to give up what your mind thought and enjoy THIS day as it is.

To accept what is as it is.

Will you put on mud boats and go and get your winter jacket and gloves; grateful that you have the correct clothing? Or will you lament about the Spring stuff you can't wear today?

Will you sulk at home and do nothing, cause the weather is poor?

Or, will you use this day inside to do inside stuff? Will you play with wild colors to offset the monochrome day? Will you add color or sparkle to your outfit to brighten up the day?

This is my was my Morning View....breath taking in its perfection for today. My mind isn't fighting it.

04/19/2015

While reading the ending of the book "Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender" by David Hawkins, it finally occurred to me what he is letting go of; everything that stands in the way of reality...or this moment in time.

"Eventually, everything is surrendered that stands in the way of the Presence. The Presence is so obvious, so startling, so overwhelming, that there's no question about it. It is profound, total, all-encompassing, absolutely over-whelming, totally transforming, and completely unmistakeable. When everything is surrendered that stands in the way, It is there, shining brilliantly forth."

"Instead of viewing this as something in the future, own it now. Enlightenment is not something that occurs in the future, after 50 years of sitting cross-legged and saying "OM." It is right here, in this instant. The reason you're not experiencing this state of total peace and timelessness is because it is being resisted. It is being resisted because you are trying to control the moment. If you let go of trying to control your experience of moment, and if you constantly surrender it like a tone of music, then you live on the crest of this exact alwaysness. Experience arises like a note of music, its already passing away. The instant you heard it its already dissolving. So every single moment is dissolving as it arises. Let go of anticipating the next moment, trying to control it, trying to hang on to the moment that has just passed. Let go clinging to what has just occurred. Let go trying to control what you think is about to occur. Then live in an infinite space of non-time and non-event. there is an infinite peace beyond description. And you are home." David Hawkins.

If you can see that time unfolds like music notes, you can see how if you are holding on to the last note, you will miss the one that followed it. And, if you are waiting for a certain note in the future, again you miss the one playing right now.

I bet many things that require your utmost attention keep you on the present note.

Present notes such as art, music, babies, nature, love...to name a few.

To be able to stay with the notes of life, your life will be totally expanded; for you are literally living in the notes. Living at one...going with the flow, in the mystery as to what will come up next and you don't wait or hang on....but live with it.

04/17/2015

"A parent who has denied the experience of ordinariness during childhood will be unable to tolerate their child's ordinariness. The child will grow up under pressure to always be extraordinary, which will come at the cost of authenticity. Instead of putting all the pressure on them, can we enjoy our child's ordinariness? Can we find specialness in their ordinary state?"

" Parents say to me, "But we want to expose our children to the best of everything. What's wrong with that? Why shouldn't we send them to ballet and tennis and swimming classes?" I'm not advocating that parents restrict a child's desire to explore. To encourage exploration is a way of honoring a child's being. I'm stressing the importance of helping our children understand that their sense of worth isn't predicated on achievement."

"Although it's natural to want our children to excel, this is preferably never at the expense of failing to revel in their ordinariness. When we deny our children's ordinariness, we teach them to be enthralled only by exaggerations of life. They come to believe that only the grand and the fabulous are to be noticed and applauded, and hence constantly pursue "bigger" and "better".

"In contrast, when our children learn to value ordinary, they learn to inhabit life itself. They appreciate their body, their mind, the pleasure of sharing a smile, and the privilege of relating to others. It all starts with what we as parents teach them to appreciate." from the "Conscious Parent" by Shefali Tsabary, PhD

Imagine a world where we celebrate in the ordinary? Imagine how relaxed we would all be, especially children. Where they are allowed to explore the ordinary and find that it is extraordinary.

I love that when you give up striving for extraordinary, you can be authentic.

Sometimes the ordinary is so extraordinary, it takes my breath away.

And, she is right.....to inhabit life itself, you have to LOVE and embrace the ordinary. And, then all of life seems to be filled with so much extraordinary moments...you lose interest in seeking what we thought of as extraordinary.

And, I know she is right in losing our self worth when only the extraordinary is applauded.

04/13/2015

Yes, I have been blogging on this site for 6 full years. This post is number 1770.

When I began, I had no clue as to how this would be. I do remember being terrified, for I knew I would be posting online and out loud things that I had previously kept in handwritten journals. I wanted to break the silence even further; by going public.

Here's what I had written in the first month...

"My heart is so courageous, so brave and so sure. I follow along feeling like an imposter. I am hoping that by faking it until I make it, I will become better at this.

Maybe it is just my mind, my thoughts of me that is taking awhile catching up. I am not at home in my mind yet. In fact it seems I live more ‘out of my mind’ than in.

Maybe you don’t have a broken heart, but a broken mind. My mind thinks and believes from long past ways. My mind hasn’t kept up with the truths of today."

I love her. I recall how it felt to be out of mind....following my heart, body and soul and not knowing if or when I would feel okay with me.

Here is what I wrote about the blog itself....

When the Blog idea came to me, I could envision me being in contact with other women who found themselves outside the normal category of society. Women who are in a place of either accepting their imperfections, their reality and learning how to live from there, or being a failure.

What I found, in my own experience, was that if you live from the spot of being imperfect, there are no rules to follow, no norm to measure up to, no yardstick to fall short of. Instead you are able to live life that is for you alone to decide if it works. Now this doesn't mean that I am a rebel, but rather I am a free spirit in a loving way to myself and mankind.

I would like to share my experiences of walking free of dysfunctional patterns, learning how to build up a new you, to the many wonderful Spiritual Authors who shed the Light upon the way.

I would like this blog to inspire confidence, free spirit, and self-love for woman who are lost in a sea of dysfunction and abuse. I would like to be a voice of reason in their head full of madness.

To show them that Imperfection is Perfection. That it is impossible to strive to be someone else. That all your experiences, your life to this point is exactly as it should be. It is from this point that you can look back and learn from your past to make a future that is more to your inner desire.

There are no rules, except to be you. You do what you do, for reasons that are strictly your own to decide. It is the whole journey to go from being a free soul when we are born, to getting stuck in patterns of our childhood that hold on to us into adulthood, to one day stepping free again.

I still agree with what I wrote, which I find is remarkable in and of itself! Except maybe I am feeling more perfect than imperfect!

This work of art was created after my "Imperfect Workshop"...

Art by Michele Cedarquist... Thanks Michele, I was moved to tears when I saw this! I LOVE what you created from my words.

It makes all the forging ahead into the unknown worth it to have someone 'get it'.

Along with Michele there were a few other women who sent me messages... how my story gave them hope and inspired them. I am honored my words touched a part of them, that seeks what I sought.

My journey over the past 6 years has given me wonderful opportunities to go even more public than my blog...to speak out loud breaking down more barriers of silence within our local community. And, the best part of doing them is meeting the strong women and (sometimes men) who share their stories with me.

I can't know where the next 6 will take me...but I lead this 6, as a woman who knows her heart. Trusts it, speaks it and lives it. Just as I had in the early years....but without the convictions that I would one day fully own my power...and feel confident as me.

I now have confidence and wisdom of living authentically....from the inside out, letting my heart lead the way.

My heart is represented in My Lady.

Below is one of my quilts before the Lady emerged....I called it Soul Lost. You can see the swirling mix and the crescent moon shape....I saw as my soul. A part of me that was shining in the confusion.

I Love the first tentative expressions of My Lady....for they so matched me.

This blog will continue on...we shall see where she goes.

I will have to see if I have new intentions, dreams, hopes and desires...

For now, it is just do what I had intended....when I wrote my first blog post.

Thanks to all who have followed, read and understood...you were the ear I needed to hear me.

Writing it out...got it out, sorted it out, expressed how it felt to be me, being different; breaking the silence and living my truth out loud. May this continue to inspire others to live from the inside out!

04/12/2015

"Most people treat the present moment as if it were an obstacle they need to overcome. Since the present moment is life itself, it is an insane way to live." Eckhart Tolle

Wouldn't this also be called...wishing your life away?

I found this quite remarkable, for we don't often count this moment as part of our life. We tend to only count the moments we like or the ones we feel match what our mind believes is perfect. The rest we try and overlook or force ourselves to live through.

It is quite remarkable to note how many of your moments are you with.

And also to take notice of how you feel in these moments of time. For, it will show how you Feel about your life.

If, the majority of your time is trying to overlook, there is a good chance that you are not happy in your life and instead of making changes, you are wishing your life away.

Wishing for it to pass.

It is in an odd way, wishing to die.

For you are not fully embracing the joy of living.

It makes me wonder about how life gets to the place where you wish it would go away?

How did things get so out of control, that your very life is an obstacle you need to overcome, instead of wanting to be with it.

To be with your life...to be with you.

I wonder if it is more that you are trying to overcome the truths by getting to the next moment. And, while you are hurrying there, you are missing your life...missing your truth and you.

Here is what I have learned through embracing the truth of my past, is that my present moments are so much fuller. I can see, feel and be with them all.

I am more alive.

For, I am not hiding from the present...for the past shows up in the present until you acknowledge it. The truth is relentless, it shadows you until you make peace with it.

My work week just grew to six days a week, every week...so my weekends now will be one day long.

However, the good news of this, is that I have to use more of my week days to have fun. I can't save it for the weekends.

It is like the weekends disappeared, so there is only this day. I will have to live like all days are weekend days.

When I first heard of this I was crestfallen for sure, to lose half of the weekend. It felt like part of my life was taken away. I had to find a way to see this differently and to adjust.

So, instead of saving my life for the weekends, I will live today. Live this moment to the fullest. I will have to have 6 Saturdays and 1 Sunday.

No more overcoming today....but coming to this day.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? ... Mary Oliver

04/10/2015

I was interviewed last week by a young student at Michigan Tech for an article she would write for the Lode. For those who don't get the student newspaper, here is what she wrote after speaking with me for an hour.

"A Voice for the Voiceless" By Sarah Harttung

"A large fire can burn down an entire forrest, but within a few weeks, life reemerges. When children are victims of abuse, their lives are burned, their views of the world are distorted, and their trust is shattered. The narrative doesn't have to stop there: Beth Jukuri says that healing can come not only through traditional therapy, but through art."

"Jukuri is a U.P. native currently residing in Chassell. She has been making quilts since the late 1990's, but in 2004, she realized something that would change her life forever: she had been abused by her father. Finding these lost experiences broke her."

"Instead of foregoing everything she enjoyed, Jukuri began using quilting as an outlet for her emotions. These quilts became evidence of the "growth of (her) inner self-esteem through fabric." She wanted to be the "voice for the voiceless," empowering others who feel powerless."

"Women In New Directions, or WIND a social group organized by Jukuri, gathers adult women twice a month to do something creative.This Thursday April 9th, she is hosting an event for women on campus."

"Come to the MUB Ballroom B from 6 to 7:30 to make weather grams, free of charge. These crafts have a verse written on them about a sudden personal insight and then are hung outside throughout an entire season so they can "weather." The members of the Women's Programming Committee planned the evening."

"Beth Jukuri encourages people to take up art because it "allows you to own your individuality" instead of running away from it. Her website, www.imperfectlady.typepad.com contains pictures of some of her quilts and links to helpful websites for the abused." Sarah

I like how she use the analogy of a fire and how the forrest does regrow. And, I would also note, that so can we.

In fact, it is the first step in growing; when we acknowledge our abuse.

I think, many people think, that keeping silent and staying within families of abuse is the grownup thing to do.

I just watched a short video on staying in marriage "for the kids" and how parents think that doing this will be less painful and easier on the kids and more beneficial.

The speaker goes on to say, that what it is really teaching is how to live betraying yourself. How to put your authentic life, if you will on hold, until the children become 18.

I see the correlation with abuse. Most will 'stay silent' for the good of the family....until. Believing that living inauthentic will make a good family.

My speaking up and out loud about my abuse, isn't fully embraced with many. For, I am divorcing myself from them instead of betraying who I am.

I feel that my message to my own children is that I will not betray myself and my feelings in order to 'save' a family. I am showing them how to be authentic even when doing the right thing is the hardest thing.

Our lives boil down to truly just two ways of being in the world....betraying yourself or being authentically you. What is worth betraying yourself for and what does it teach those around? Are you truly teaching a better lesson by betraying your truth and rejoining something you no longer believe in...or love?

What I have learned is that the very thing you silent about is what you teach. You teach by what you are not saying, not doing...believing you are teaching something different.