The first intensive exploration of the
unrecognized psychological and social aspects of this increasingly
controversial American cultural practice. Endorsed by dozens of
professionals in psychology, psychiatry, child development, pediatrics,
obstetrics, childbirth education, sociology and anthropology.

"Parents do not know what they are choosing, and physicians do not feel what they are doing."

Ronald Goldman, Ph.D., author

"In response to circumcision, the baby
cries a helpless, panicky, breathless, high-pitched cry!...[or] lapses
into a semi-coma. Both of these states...are abnormal states in the
newborn."

Justin Call, M.D., pediatrician

"Doctors who circumcise are the most
resistant to change. They will not admit that they made a critical
mistake by amputating an important part of the penis."

Paul Fleiss, M.D., pediatrician

"In this case, the old dictum 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it' seems to make good sense."

Eugene Robin, M.D., professor

"A whole life can be shaped by an old trauma, remembered or not."

Lenore Terr, M.D., child psychiatrist

"If we are to have real peace, we must begin with the children."

Mahatma Gandhi

"We are interconnected. When a baby boy's sexuality is not safe, no one's sexuality is safe."

Ronald Goldman, Ph.D., author

Confessions of a Circumcised Man

"This is winter wheat we’re sowing, and other hands will harvest."

Elizabeth Cady Stanton, American Universal Suffrage Leader

For
as long as I can remember, I’ve loved sunsets and impressionist oil
paintings. The subtle interplay of color and light has always struck me
as beautiful, even sublime. I couldn’t imagine anything being more
lovely.

So much so, that I was dumbstruck to learn at the
age of 18 that I was color blind. "It can’t be," I insisted to the eye
doctor. He matter-of-factly explained that I had failed the full
Ishihara color-vision test. Out of a series of 38 polka-dotted circles,
I could only see the embedded numbers in four of them. There was no
doubt. I was color-blind.

My denial was complete. I
didn’t believe him. "I can see colors," I insisted. "My jeans are blue.
My shirt is light blue. Your slacks are dark grey." He tonelessly
explained that yes, I could see some colors. But what I saw was not
nearly as vivid or as complete as seen by people with "normal color
vision." My color vision was radically muted.

I still didn’t believe him. I showed the test to my sisters. They both passed, easily.

It
took me a while to process this discovery and accept that I was one
among the 20% of men who are color-blind because of a genetic defect.
It was nobody’s fault. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Just bad luck.

But
this discovery and my experience with overcoming denial enabled me to
finally confront something else. I was able to confront another area
where my perception of the world is significantly diminished. This area
is diminished in a way that I never imagined possible. It is another
place where my perception of the world is not nearly as vivid or as
complete as "normal people."

The area I’m
talking about is my sexual perception – my physical appreciation of
normal sexual contact. My sexual perception is radically muted, too.
But this time, it is not a blameless, unlucky genetic defect. This was
done to me by other people. My sexual perception was taken from me.

It
was taken intentionally. It was taken by doctors. It was taken without
my knowledge or consent. It was taken when I was a defenseless baby.
And, perhaps most shockingly, it was taken with my parents’ approval.

This
time the denial was harder to overcome. This time the denial didn’t
just protect my self-image of being fully "normal." This time the
denial protected me from knowing that the people who I have trusted the
most, who I loved the most – had betrayed me. The denial guarded me
from fully knowing and feeling the painful discovery that I had been
hurt badly, and forever, in the most intimate and personal part of my
life. I was permanently sexually maimed. Intentionally. By the people
who claim to love me the most – my parents.

This has been a very hard path of self-discovery to follow.

But,
in confronting all of the feelings that were waiting for me behind my
curtain of denial, I found more than just pain and anger and
depression. They were there, certainly, in large amounts. But, I also
found understanding and personal growth and some hope.

I
understand now why I sometimes have difficulty maintaining an erection
or achieving orgasm. This isn’t a shameful failure of my masculinity.
This isn’t evidence of my physical and emotional disinterest in a
sexual partner. This isn’t proof of my shortcomings as a man. I’ve
learned that this is proof of the operation’s success. Erectile
dysfunction and diminished sexual pleasure are THE desired surgical
outcomes of circumcision. My operation was a success!

Many
people believe that sex is wrong. They believe masturbation and
recreational sex are immoral. Sometimes these beliefs are religiously
motivated, sometimes not. Genital cutting is the intervention that
directly addresses the evil of human sexuality. Medical textbooks used
to be very specific about the effectiveness of male and female
circumcision in preventing masturbation. That is what genital cutting
is designed to achieve – undermining human sexuality by dramatically
reducing sexual pleasure. I understand that now. I also understand that
this intention was never explained to my parents.

I
understand now that my radically muted sexual sensations aren’t the
result of a botched, or extraordinarily aggressive, circumcision. They
are greatly dulled because my circumcision went the way it was supposed
to. I am more numb than a normal man, an intact man. The most sensitive
parts of my penis are gone. The "lips" of my prepuce were taken. My
Ridged Band was taken. My Frenulum was taken. My Outer Foreskin was
taken. And lastly, my Glans and Inner Foreskin are desensitized from
constant chaffing from contact with the outside world. I also
understand that these exquisitely sensitive parts of my anatomy and
their functions were never explained to my parents.

Effectively,
the "eyes and ears" of my system of sexual perception are gone. I can
still have sex and I can still conceive a child, but most of the fun
and much of the frequency are gone. I know about the reduced frequency
from my experience with failed efforts – and fear of failed efforts.
The loss of pleasure, the fun, is something I can only try to
understand about by reading.

But, I know
about numbness and loss. The memories of being unable to maintain an
erection with women who I loved, who I was deeply attracted to both
physically and emotionally, are still very sharp. So too, are the
memories of my feelings of inadequacy and their feelings of being
undesirable to me. As are the memories of those relationships drifting
apart and inexplicably ending. Now, I understand why. I also understand
that these predictable results of my circumcision were never explained
to my parents.

I know about numbness and
disease. I was taught about safe sex and I understand how important it
is. But I also know that when I’ve tried to use condoms, I become
totally numb. For me, condoms equal abstinence. With a condom, I am
rarely able to maintain an erection and I’m never able to achieve
orgasm. I understand why that is now. But faced with the choice of
unsafe intercourse or no intercourse, I chose to be unsafe. And I paid
the price. Circumcision isn’t the only thing that lasts forever. Some
diseases last forever. So too, do the memories and anguish of an
unwanted pregnancy. I’ll carry both of these for the rest of my life.
Now I understand why. I also understand that my parents never knew that
circumcision would put me in a situation where I’d need to take those
risks in order to share intimacy with a loved one.

I’ve
undergone a lot of personal growth throughout this process of dealing
with my circumcision. I’ve researched about my body – what I was born
with and how it functions. I’ve researched about how the medical
community has deceived generations of parents about the practice of
circumcision. I’ve researched about the difficulty of overcoming denial
and breaking the cycle of ritual abuse that can exist within families.
And I’ve researched the changing trends in choices that families are
making for their sons – and this gives me hope.

Hope
isn’t a word that easily comes into my heart and mind when I think
about genital cutting. I am a survivor of an abusive sexual assault
that I don’t remember…but can never forget. I will never know what sex
is supposed to be like for a man. I will never look in the mirror and
see a complete male form. But, I have learned that I can forgive my
parents for letting strangers hurt me so badly. I have learned that I
can love them still, in spite of my pain and anger. And that gives me
hope.I have hope because I know that I can love and forgive. I can love
and forgive because my parents were misled and they didn’t know any
better. They had no easy access to research through the internet. They
heard no voices of child advocacy pleading on my behalf. They had no
reassurance from a large and growing group of parents who were
challenging and rejecting the horrifying violation of routine infant
genital mutilation.

My parents weren’t unwilling to learn – unwilling to protect me. They were deceived. And I forgive them.

I
have hope because I can channel my negative feelings of betrayal,
anger, pain and depression into something positive. I can advocate
protecting the newborns of today who will become a generation of men
tomorrow. I can help in a small way to educate today’s parents and be
the voice for them that I wish was available to my parents. I can help
break the cycle of violence against baby boys in the same way that it
has been broken for baby girls.

Hope won’t
return to me what was taken so long ago. But if I can help even a few
parents choose to courageously challenge their doctors and their
families in defense of their sons, it will be worth enduring all of the
pain that I found hiding behind my own curtain of denial.

A
million baby boys a year are crying out for someone to help them. I
cannot remain silent. I cannot collude through inaction. I must try to
do my part to help them however I can. Please join me in this effort.
Our generation can protect the next generation.

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not intended to replace consultation with the appropriate medical practitioner.
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