Polls say 60% of parents think being President
is a bad career choice. This places it right below used car salesman, lava lamp repairman,
and guest on the Jerry Springer show.

Anyone can grow up to be President. This has been the Unified American
Parental Career Mantra since George Washingtons mother sat him down under the cherry
tree and sniffed, "Surveying school? Come on, George, wheres the future in
that?" Then, once James Polk, Millard Fillmore, and Gerald Ford were elected, well,
the concept went from being a theory to a scientifically proven lawyes, anyone
could grow up to be President.

The
fact that anyone can be President and that theyd want to be President
are two very different things. Parents, it turns out, dont really want to see their
children in the Oval Office. Especially if theyre interns.

Polls say 60% of parents think being
President is a bad career choice. This places it right below used car salesman, lava lamp
repairman, and guest on the Jerry Springer show. They probably think this because the
Presidency has become such a difficult position. It wasnt that long ago it was
admired. Where the President used to be portrayed in movies by such acting legends as
Raymond Massey, Henry Fonda, and Ralph Bellamy, now we get Kevin Kline and John Travolta.
Look for Saturday Night Sexual Fever, coming to a theater near you soon.

The truth is, most parents dont want
their children to grow up to be President because, face it, there just arent a lot
of job opportunities. Medicine is a better career choice because people always get sick
and need to be healed. Business management is good since there are lots of businesses and
they all need managing. And going into law is a great idea because, thanks to the other
popular fields, there will always be medical malpractice suits, business liability suits,
and politicians to defend.

But theres only one President. And
the job generally only becomes vacant every four years. Well, unless they die, get caught
covering up for a bunch of bungling burglars, or are dumb enough to want a second term.
Face it, with those odds, youd have better luck being a locust. Even though they
only have openings every seventeen years theres always room for one more in the
swarm. Kind of like paparazzi.

What is it about being a political spouse that makes them so well suited for this
vocation? When a doctor dies does his or her spouse take over the practice?

So what makes a person want to go into politics? For some
its the opportunity to help their country. For others its a quest for power.
And for still others its because their spouse dies leaving an opening.

Recently Lois Capps of Santa Barbara, California won
her late husbands seat in the House of Representatives. Mary Bono, Sonnys
wife, is campaigning to take her husbands place in the House too. Suddenly political
office is becoming the mid-life career choice for widows in the 90s.

What is it about being a political spouse
that makes them so well suited for this vocation? When a doctor dies does his or her
spouse take over the practice? Would Sigourney Weavers husband step in and star in
Aliens 5-Resurrected Again if she couldnt do it?

Maybe its osmosisthey pick up
the skills needed just by being around their husbands. When I was a kid I actually stuck a
tape recorder under my pillow and let it play my French lessons in the hopes that Id
learn them while I slept. It didnt work. To this day I feel like an idiot asking for
a croissant and wouldnt attempt to pronounce trompe loeil in public if my joie
de vivre depended on it.

Prince William is having second thoughts about whether he wants to be King. He says
hed rather be President of the United States. They get more sex.

In all the talk about campaign reform, this is one area where
everyones missing the boat. We could save a whole lot of time, money, and energy if
we just put spouses in the line of succession. Right now there is no congressional line of
successionthey just hold a new election. Bad idea. We should change the law so If
someone dies, gets sent to prison, or submits a bill like the one they did in West
Virginia recently allowing them to keep and eat road kill, the politicians spouse
takes over. And then well extend this to the Presidency. As it stands, the
Vice-president, the Speaker of the House, the Secretary of Agriculture, and even Buddy the
First Dog all get a shot, why not the First Lady?

In England theyve had primogeniture for a few thousand
years and even theyre changing it. Primogeniturefrom the Latin meaning,
"best genitals"is the ancient tradition of passing the throne to the
eldest son. Now, in a turn of events that makes you wonder whether the British Royalty has
been mating among their own again, Queen Elizabeth II has announced that if the eldest
child is a daughter, she will ascend to the thrown. To complicate matters even more, the
word is that Prince William is having second thoughts about whether he wants to be King.
He says hed rather be President of the United States. They get more sex.

Keep all this in mind as the next round of
elections rears its ugly head. Not only should you be concerned with the candidates
political positions, ability to lead the country into the next millennium, and moral
character, but you need to pay close attention to their health, their spouse, and what
Hollywood star would best portray them in a movie. No one ever said it was going to be
easy.