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2 Girls. 1 CT. 1001 Things to Say About Dating.

The Ivy Woman

We all know at least one fine specimen of the Ivy Woman. This one friend that you’ve never seen single and if it happened for a short while she felt painfully unhappy and lost? That person that only changes her partner when another one is already in her life? Jip, that’s her – the Ivy Woman henceforth referred to as IW.

The IW doesn’t understand the word “single”. “Single” to her equals unhappy and unfulfilled. It is so as if an IW the only source of happiness is the man. If he’s happy, she’s happy and that’s what her life is limited to. She does her job if he can’t afford to provide for her but there’s no real interest in what she’s doing. She may have a hobby but you’ll probably find her changing her hobbies as she changes her men. When that happens she’ll change her eating habits too and in more extreme cases even her religion.

The IW will date pretty much anyone and often underdates (dates way below her value on the dating market 😉). There’s only one condition that needs to be fulfilled – one has to be a man. Many men find the complete devotion appealing, which leads to an intense, yet usually short lived interest in the IW. Unless an IW meets a Stalker, then they’re interdependence may last for centuries.

In a magical way the IW feels when her partner’s interest is decreasing and she starts the hunt for a new victim again immediately (yet obviously without finishing the former relation). She herself is impossible to please and requires constant attention. Like a parasite that cannot live without a host, she also cannot function without a man and she will make sure that there’s one ready and waiting for her at all times. Friend zoning people is among her many moves, so is a not-yet-discussed phenomenon of back-pocketing (when one is potentially interested in a person but not REALLY and is still actively looking around).

How to deal with an IW? If you’re a man run. She’s not a real person but something that temporarily has a form of whoever you would want her to be and she will replace you as soon as you’re not all over her at all times. If you’re a woman don’t listen to her when it comes to dating. If you’re single she’ll make you feel miserable and you’ll find yourself questioning your worth for “not being able to find a man” as she’ll put it. If you’re in a relationship you’ll start to question your relationship if you’re a healthy human being and don’t spend all of your waking and sleeping life with your boyfriend. In either case don’t get engaged (pun intended).

I know so many people like this! Most of the time, they self-identify. It is always their choice to end the relationship, but that only happens when they have secured the next one. One of my friends left her 7 year relationship in tears (it was the first time the guy dumped her, but because he had found someone more devoted that her, so he was an Ivy Man??) and swearing to everyone she would be single for at least a year. Haha, it lasted 2 weeks before she attached herself to some Irish guy who tried to pick me up outside the bathroom at a concert she dragged me to. Last I heard was they are getting married.

I know many of these types and while they might be more rare (because of a woman’s need to be loved and protected) I can also confirm that Ivy Men do exist. I feel like knocking some sense into these Ivy People though – you know it is possible to live at least periods of your life, enjoying singledom, partying with your single friends and generally widening your social (or in my case painting bar stools) without becoming a totally spinster experiencing a decade long sex-drought. The funniest thing is for the Ivy People, there never really seems to be a dating stage as such…they go from being Facebook Official with one guy/girl to being FBO with the next. Its often too much for my fragile mind to keep up with.

Exactly! And often from living with one boyfriend to living with another one. I think one needs time to figure out what went wrong last time before starting again, otherwise the same mistakes will be made.