A Heated Debate Between Two Charismatic Geniuses: A Cardinal Fan (Jeff Lung) and a Tiger Fan (Allen Krause)

Keep ‘Em In the Closet

Before you start jumping to conclusions, dear readers, let me just say that I don’t think Vice President Joe Biden’s aides were in the right for locking Orlando Sentinel reporter, Scott Powers, in the closet during a recent Alan Ginsburg-paid soiree to raise money for the 2012 election campaign. If Biden’s aides are as sexy and savvy as the RSBS interns, then they surely had a good reason for keeping Mr. Powers confined to a small space for such a long time.*

As a bonafide megafortified soused-out baseball fanatic, I can honestly say that I’d like to keep a few players in the closet for the entire 2011 season, so that I can concentrate on the games being played rather than the asinine soap-operatic subplots of the whiny and perpetually irritating.

Who shall we keep locked up this season you ask? Well, I’ll tell you:NYJER MORGANThis is a tough call because Nyjer’s antics often result in beanball wars and Jeff Lungian smackdowns — both staples of maintaining my healthy psyche. But, when a player constantly runs his mouth and ends up getting his teammates hurt, then I think it’s time to get out the jaw-wiring. Besides, Morgan’s a Nat Brewer. No one will even notice he’s gone.LUKE SCOTTHe’s an idiot. He’s a birther. He’s an Oriole. And all of those things make him… irrelevant. A perfect candidate to be closeted. For the season. All of it!

And finally, if we’re going to be throwing folks in the closet for the season, let us not leave out…MILTON BRADLEYI know that being a Seattle Mariner inherently keeps Milton’s whining out of the headlines (few people care to read the perils of such a slogging team), but this dude isn’t just a baby. He isn’t just a clubhouse cancer. He’s also a wife-beater. Not only that, but the man is not a good baseball player. He had one decent year, got paid and then went back to being a snake.

To the closet they go!

Hate me ‘cuz I’m slingin’ mud, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

*This is also how Mr. Krause’s parents shielded him from the temptations of adolescence.

14 Comments

You weren’t kidding about nobody missing Nyjer Morgan, including you. As of last night, he’s no longer a Nat. He’s a Brewer. Bwa’ha ha.
Can we nominate players to add to the closet? It could be like Stan’s closet on South Park with room for any number of titanic egos.
Kristenhttp://blithescribe.mlblogs.com/

Nyger’s problem was he was told he was now a Senator, and became upset when his own team’s uniforms couldn’t spell the team’s name correctly.
Scott, well Aubrey Huff did the same when he hit Baltimore….Maybe it has something to do with the water quality in Inner Harbor. Or maybe Scott had another crustacean speak to hom from beyond the pot.
Bradley……..Can’t comment, it is too easy to taker shots at a guy who argues with himself in his shaving mirror. Really? Seattle is about as streess filled as a jelly doughnut…..
Glad you left Canseco off the list. Oh, that’s right, he’s “supposibly” blackballed by MLB.

Jeff,
Good call. Definately agree with the above list. I would love to add Carlos Zambrano to the list, however his ego, drama, tantrums and occasional fist fights always contribute to the downfall and demise of the Cubbies each year after the All Star break, so I guess we should leave him off. – Tim

RR — I’d be surprised if Nyjer could point out spelling mistakes.
Jeremy — I don’t know… couple years from now they could compete. I like their young arms.
Ed — My money is on Nyjer to win that one!
Ron — Hehehe… good call. Though I doubt Silva will be making much of a mark at all this season already… at least he is getting paid like a star.
Tim — Yes, Big Z could make this list. I felt it was a bit too easy to throw him under the bus though… but he definitely qualifies.
Jenn — Hahaha… they’ll have plenty of time to hang out now!
–Jeff

Hmm, some very worthy candidates for the Closet of Ignominy. Everyone I would have nominated has already been mentioned, though as Jane says, I’m sure as the season goes on we’ll have a few more additions! (“Jane saaaays….” darn it, now I’m humming Jane’s Addiction songs in my head)
Suehttp://rrrt.mlblogs.com

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