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Daily News July 18

Where Yo’ Baby At?
A Florida woman was taken into custody yesterday after it was discovered that her 2 year old daughter had been missing for 5 weeks. The woman’s parents called the police because they were concerned for the welfare of their grandchild whom they had not seen in awhile. The grandparents said, “We haven’t see our grandchild in a while and we’re just concerned.” So the cops went out to investigate and found that the 2 year old had been missing for 5 weeks.

The mother refuses to answer any questions about her child’s disappearance and has told the police a number of confusing lies. First, she said the child was at a baby-sitter’s house but when she went to pick her up the baby-sitter wouldn’t answer the door. The police investigated and found that no one has lived at the baby-sitter’s house for 5 months. When they finally found the supposed baby-sitter the woman said she never even baby-sat the little girl before.

Then the mother lied about where she supposedly worked. When questioned by a judge, the woman said she had seen movies where people got hurt for reporting their children missing, like in ransom cases but no ransom has been demanded. The cops were like, “Okay, obviously, you don’t give a damn about your kid.” The woman did not respond.

Okay, so what the fuck is wrong with people? I don’t think the cops think she hurt her kid. It’s likely someone really snatched the kid but at this point they don’t have any real leads.

What Goes Around Comes Around
A dead body was found at the home of a woman who claimed she bought a real live baby for $1000. The police have not released the identity of the body found. The woman who lived there claimed she had made friends with a pregnant woman who sold her the baby after it was born for $1000. The woman then took the baby with the umbilical cord still attached to a hospital and told the doctors the baby was hers.

Once again medical professionals were able to quickly discover the child was not hers.

Back in 1991, this same woman served 10 years’ probation after stabbing a woman during an attempt to steal the lady’s baby. This new baby supposedly purchased will remain at a hospital until they figure out who the real parents are.

Once again, here is yet another strange individual trying to steal someone else’s baby. Now I do know that a lot of people who want kids cannot have kids, but there are legal channels a person can go through to get a kid. Adoption. Foster parenting. Helping to raise relatives’ children. You don’t really go around buying babies, stealing babies, cutting babies out of wombs. Obviously, these women are desperate and are not mentally wrapped right. It’s apparent that they know that since they aren’t trying to get a kid the right way. No agency will allow these weirdoes to adopt or foster a child.

But then on the other hand, what if this woman really did sell her kid for $1000? I mean, police haven’t found the mother yet. What if she was like, “Yeah, I sold the kid. What about it?”

It’s a sad, sad world.

Right To Bear Arms
The nation’s strictest set of gun laws has finally been beat down by the Supreme Court after 32 years and DC residents are flocking to the courthouse to register for firearms that some of them have had illegally in their homes.

Up until June, it was illegal for DC residents to have a handgun in their own home. Some guy, a security guard fought the restriction because our Constitution does specifically allow us the right to bear arms and the right to defend ourselves. Since then, he has tried to register his handgun, but has been turned away because he didn’t bring the firearm with him when he went to register it.

DC residents who had guns in their homes illegally have an amnesty period 6 months to register. DC residents can now keep handguns in their homes for self defence as long as they are unloaded and dissembled or the trigger is locked.

You may only put the gun back together or take the trigger lock off if there is a “reasonably perceived threat of immediate harm.”

Machine guns that can fire 12 rounds or more are prohibited, which is pretty much most semiautomatic handguns. You can only register one weapon in the first 90 days.

Happy hunting, Washington D.C.

I strongly believe in the right to bear arms. As a gun owner myself, I can’t imagine anyone telling me “Sorry, you can’t keep a gun in your own house,” when the Constitution states that I can. The Second Amendment states, “A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.”

Shall not be infringed.

I do believe in responsible gun ownership. Since there are no children living in my house, I don’t have a trigger lock but if I did have kids, I wouldn’t keep it on the nightstand or just chilling on the kitchen table. If by some strange occurence I should have childre, I would teach the kid about gun safety and consequences of bullshitting around with a gun the way my parents did when we were young. Both my parents are gun owners and frequent firing ranges. When we were old enough to know anything, they taught us about guns and what could happen. My parents also frequently beat the hell out of us, so we already knew not go around playing with shit that ain’t ours. You have to be smart about things.

But the DC gun laws are wack. Keep the gun unloaded and totally taken apart, and only put it together when there is a reasonable perception of immediate harm. What precisely is a reasonable perception of immediate harm?

Is someone kicking in my door a reasonable perception of immediate harm? Or do I wait until this jackass is strangling me? What if he isn’t trying to kill me but he’s just robbing me? Can I put the gun together? What if I am the not the one who is being harmed? Since the law specifically states “self-defence” I guess I can’t try to help someone who is getting a beat down. I’ll just call 911. If you happen to be in SE DC, good luck with that. What if some mooks are just sitting out in my driveway waiting for me? What if I have a crazy ex-boyfriend I can’t get rid of? He’s calling me and threatening me, and banging on my door, but he hasn’t broken in yet. He’s just outside carrying on. When should I put the gun together?

“Well, Ms. Princess, since the murderer wasn’t attacking you, that’s not self-defence. We’re going to sentence you 25 to life for murder.”

“He wasn’t in your bedroom yet. He was standing in the living room. You could have gotten away. The danger wasn’t immediate.”

“Since the attacker was only going to rape you and not murder you, you shooting him wasn’t really reasonable.”

After we have established what is reasonable and immedate, let’s say some jackass is kicking down my front door or he has followed me into my apartment as I come home from the club and when am I supposed to find the time during my panic and fear to put the shit together?

And after all that, I manage to put the shit together, shoot the intruder, what happens after that? Do DC gun laws extend to the aftermath? If you kill, maim or injure an intruder in self-defence will you be brought up on charges? Will I have to go through the whole bullshit of a trial to determine what is “reasonable” and “immediate?”

Luckily, I don’t live in DC and don’t have to put up with all this crap, but I am from Florida and down in Florida our gun laws are not so complex or ridiculous. You don’t need a defence attorney sleeping under your bed to help you determine “immediate” and “reasonable.”

Any asshole that can breathe can purchase a weapon, any weapon, in Florida. There’s no restrictions on semiautomatics. There’s no waiting periods. You can buy as many as you want. You don’t have to register shit. You can just have one, loaded, unloaded, locked or unlocked in your home.

If someone breaks into my home in Florida, I have the right to shoot his ass in self-defence. If evidence points to self-defence, i.e. the intruder isn’t shot 50 times in the back, or execution style or 100 feet from the front door, then I’m good to go.

Florida does have sentence enhancements for the use of weapons during the commission of a crime, however. Not only will you get time for your crime, if convicted, they slap on some extra years if you use a gun to commit that crime. So, most murders get 20 to life, but if you use a gun to commit the murder, it’ll be like 40 to life. Robbing a store might get you 10 years, but if you use a gun to rob the store, you might get 25 to life.

But even though previously gun possession was banned in DC, people were still getting killed. In 2005, the murder rate in DC was 35.4 per 100,000 people. This is lower than previous years. In 1990, the murder rate was 77.8 per 100,000.

Disclaimer

Because nothing is complete without a list of rules:

1. Commentary is highly encouraged; however, don't be That Guy. Keep it bland. Also, remain anonymous. I have no desire to know any of you. Do not describe yourself, your location, or anything that someone might give a shit about. Don't even approach me in person. Chances are I do not even like you and wouldn't want to talk to you anyway.

2. All characters and events appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental and something I dreamt up while sitting on the toilet. In fact, I'm not even a real person. I am a baby tapir living at the San Diego zoo.

3. This is my personal journal and any views and opinions expressed herein are entirely my own lunatic ramblings and NOT the opinions of my overlord--who would first have to have a huddle, then a briefing, followed by a memo and then another briefing in order to have an opinion. The two have nothing to do with each other, so don't even go there.