Saving marriages must be a national priority

Monday

Oct 29, 2007 at 2:00 AMJan 21, 2011 at 11:23 AM

Americans are always good at touting an issue as a state of emergency in order to establish a sense of urgency. And there are a number that we could highlight: HIV/AIDS, gun violence, drug addiction. But one that should be added to the list is that of the divorce rate in this nation.

Various studies show that at least half the marriages in the United States will end in divorce, and if you remarry, those figures grow exponentially. For some reason, Americans either are getting married for the wrong reasons or are not making the effort to spend more time working on their marriages to save them and, instead, running to divorce court at the first sign of trouble.

I can speak from experience on this issue; I was divorced after six years of marriage in 1999. The idea to shut down the marriage wasn't mine. My wife said she wanted out, and then, as now, I felt the reasons cited were easy to overcome if two people were willing to make it work. And in fact, I refused to sign the papers unless they said I didn't agree with the divorce. Why? Like I told her, if someone in the future did research on me and came across that public document, then they would see my true feelings on the matter.

I've since remarried and thoroughly have enjoyed the six-year relationship with my wife, Jacquie, and both of us have made it our commitment to help other couples sustain and grow their marriages through leading and teaching marriage seminars and workshops at various churches across the country.

This notion of a national initiative to get Americans discussing our marital woes &

and how to fix them &

really hit home again this weekend when I saw Tyler Perry's movie "Why Did I Get Married?"

It's the story of eight college friends who gather for one week a year, and we get to see the marriage drama that each of them goes through. One couple is arguing constantly over any little issue; another appears to be strong on the outside but is grieving on the inside over the death of their child in an accident; one couple fights the workaholic nature of the wife and the sexual fits her husband has to endure; while another speaks to a husband who is cheating on his wife with her best friend because his wife has put on a lot of weight, and she has to deal with not being loved.

The movie was such a hit that two weeks ago, it was No. — at the box office, garnering $16 million. It was No. 2 last week.

What resonated so much was that these were ordinary couples who go through the ups and downs that so many marriages face. I don't want to give away everything about the movie, but in the end, one of the marriages can't be saved. But the great thing is that the couples faced some serious issues and didn't take off at the first sign of trouble. They fought (verbally), argued, disagreed, but in the end, recognized that the marriage vows they professed for one another on their wedding days came true &

to have and to hold, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer.

I strongly believe too many of us have accepted the notion that marriage will be perfect; that we won't endure trials and tribulations. But that isn't true. In fact, when is that ever true other than in someone's fantasy life? What's amazing to me is that when faced with difficulty on the job, so many of us will buckle down and work harder to prove ourselves worthy to keep that job. But at home, we'd rather leave, even if that means putting our kids through a divorce.

As I suggest in the six essays on marriage in my book "Listening to the Spirit Within," if you're in a marriage where someone is abusing you physically and your life is being threatened, by all means leave. But we can't be afraid of going outside the marriage to get counseling, whether spiritual or secular. You may have grown up and watched your parents divorce and that pain is still there, and you may see it being repeated in your relationship. Trust me, it can work.

But couples must be willing to confront themselves. Maybe your idea of marriage is "I-my" and it should be "we-us-our." Maybe you see your spouse as more of a roommate, cohabitating in a space where you pay half the bills and he or she pays the other half.

America wasn't just built on the idea of strong ideals; it also was constructed on the back of strong families. But today, these families are being splintered and broken up for a variety of reasons, including our selfishness and unwillingness to confront our problems and to compromise.

Is it to you I'm speaking? Are you in the position where your marriage is crumbling before your very eyes? If so, take action today. Don't let divorce end it all. Remember, your trial today could be your testimony tomorrow.

Roland S. Martin is an award-winning CNN contributor and the author of "Listening to the Spirit Within: 50 Perspectives on Faith." Please visit his Web site at .

To find out more about Roland S. Martin and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at .

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