Probably a stupid question,

But we'll see where it goes. I'm a 29 year old male but I was a late starter sexually. For no real reason I was 22 when I had sex for the first time which is still a source of embarassment for me (because of that age) and it wasn't exactly spectacular anyway. I know being a young, vibrant, working male I should have clocked up heaps of experience by now but truth be told I've only ever slept with 4 women and all of 1 of them has let me go down on her (which I love to do).

I've had 1 twelve month relationship in that time which ended nasty (I travel away from home quite a bit because of work and she waited til I went away on a trip to tell me by text message she'd been cheating) and the rest have lasted probably all of 2 months each.

While trying to have sex and just enjoy and explore a woman's body at various times I've found myself only half-aroused by my partner at the time and even though I really wanted to have sex with her I couldn't get rock hard. I've found that I'm too self-conscious about whether I'm satisfying her (love to give partners oral sex til they cum before getting any pleasure myself) and I can't just enjoy what's happening.

I've found I need emotional attachment for it to happen for me but I am too embarassed about my lack of sexual experience to enable me to get close enough to a girl I really like.

After all this drivel are there any tips out there for being able to get past this predicament??

Gold Member

Martin, I hope you find the right woman to be with soon. I can understand the need for some emotional connection in order to get excited. I find it charming that you waited to have sex.
It is probably a simple mental block- yes, performance anxiety. But I'm sure the right woman can help you with it. Sorry I'm not more helpful.

I've found I need emotional attachment for it to happen for me but I am too embarassed about my lack of sexual experience to enable me to get close enough to a girl I really like.

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There is no need to be embarrassed. A decent girl will not be at all bothered by you not being very experienced. And personally i think i would quite like to be with someone inexperienced as long as they were willing to be taught! Beats a man who already thinks he knows it all.

Wow thanks for the replies so far guys. Scorp it's good to know I'm not a freak and others do go through the same thing. Emerly I understand a decent girl will not be at all bothered by me not being very experienced however it's definitely not something I'm at ease discussing. When the "how many people have you slept with" comes up I'm more inclined to skirt around the issue and change the topic.

I am definitely willing to learn and would luv the opportunity but it just doesn't happen that often. It's not a confidence thing for me, I have no problem walking up and chatting to women but can't say I've ever experienced an instant chemistry/attraction that people talk about.

The fact I was 22 before it first happened for me was not because of any beliefs etc it just took that long. Only reason it happened then was cos I was sick of never having been with a woman and NEEDED to do something about it, but there was no attachment and definitely no love and I really didn't have fun.

Gold Member

Martin,
I was about 21 (almost 22) when I first had sex, so you are far from alone. I knew I was inexperienced at first, so I let the girls lead me, which helped me to learn. Four women at your age is neither too many or too few.

I read a blog called 'Girl with a one-track mind' and she is sex-mad, and she made the observation that men need a relationship more than women, and often in casual encounters men have difficulty getting or staying hard. We are supposed to be macho sex machines, but really men are quite vulnerable, and if anything we are searching for love and connection more than women do.

Your sole challenge is not to think yourself inexperienced, because four relationships, including a 12 month one, is a good start. You don't need to sleep with thirty women to learn what to do, four is probably just fine.

If you find your soulmate with whom you can connect to for life, then be open to learn her style of sex and how to turn her on when you get together. Don't stress about it, you almost certainly have the basics mastered, and if you find a woman you love, sex becomes quite different. You tune into each others psyche, and experience matters less than the ability to open yourself up and become one with your partner.

Dear Martin,
Believe me, when you meet a girl who will fall in love with you, she will love you, not think about the amount of girls you fucked. Especially if she sees how passionately you show her love in bed.

Martin, I hope you find the right woman to be with soon. I can understand the need for some emotional connection in order to get excited. I find it charming that you waited to have sex.
It is probably a simple mental block- yes, performance anxiety. But I'm sure the right woman can help you with it. Sorry I'm not more helpful.

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Ok my problem is probably more of an issue of a performance anxiety/mental block. So without resorting to using prescription drugs or nasal sprays (really don't think I need to go that far, yet) are there any ideas for permanent solutions to get around anxiety as surely this is just a mental problem.

And is this really something I can be upfront about and introduce to a new partner if the same thing happens again without suffering further embarassment because no way am I inclined to talk about this at the moment??

Gold Member

I work as a hands on healer and treat people who are anxious...oftentimes they are not breathing properly...

This would be a good start for you Martin...there are also lots of herbs out there to induce calmness too....i just hear the name passiflora....dont know what it is...but will go and check....

later....

Okay found this......

"""Passiflora, also known as Passion flower, may be used to treat nervous restlessness and gastro-intestinal spasms. In short, the effects of Passiflora is believed to be primarily on the nervous system, particularly for insomnia and anxiety due to mental worry and overwork""".....

Gold Member

Most prescription drugs won't help you unless you are feeling well with yourself, the exception being the injectable drugs which will make you hard regardless of nerves. However, if you are half-aroused, a drug like Viagra or Cialis can take you the other half, and give you future confidence to boost.

Otherwise, aim to be positive and in the moment, remember a good sexual encounter from a time in the past and how successful everything worked, and remember that the same thing WILL happen this time. If you have a voice of nagging doubt, if you feel yourself stressing about getting turned on enough to get hard, then tell that voice to go away, and remember the good sexual encounter again.

Meditation is good for this, as Scorp suggested, and you can learn meditation is four or five one-hour classes. Meditation is great for focussing the mind on a moment, and turning off the noise. This is very close to what you need to do.

Performance anxiety is very difficult to cure, especially if you are at the start of a new relationship. It can be done with a very positive frame of mind, literally forcing your mind to take control of your natural fight or flight instinct.