Waking Up After Fortyhttp://www.wakingupafterforty.net
One Man's JourneyMon, 26 Mar 2018 02:45:43 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.6https://i0.wp.com/www.wakingupafterforty.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/LogoSolo.png?fit=32%2C32Waking Up After Fortyhttp://www.wakingupafterforty.net
323231518991The NRA and the Loss of Relevancehttp://www.wakingupafterforty.net/the-nra-and-the-loss-of-relevance/
http://www.wakingupafterforty.net/the-nra-and-the-loss-of-relevance/#respondMon, 26 Mar 2018 02:38:16 +0000http://www.wakingupafterforty.net/?p=1556They’ve Got The Wrong Talking Point

And it looks like they’ll stick with it ’till the end.

As with all things divisive, the March For Our Lives was either considered a major turning point in history, or a travesty to the American Way. These lines, like always, are pretty much drawn between two camps: For simplicity’s sake, we’ll just label them Conservative, and Liberal. Neither is a perfect representation, but for the moment, these terms will suffice.

No one in this argument condones the events that have been taking place in our schools, concert venues, churches or city streets. The loss of life is unacceptable, and the fear generated by these events is palatable. No one wants the innocent placed in a situation that turns a routine day of classes, or the joy of an event, into a micro war zone. While the discussion and arguing might overshadow that simple fact, please remember that it is there. Gun owners are parents, grand parents, church and concert goers. I’ve shot at targets at a very early age at numerous camping trips, and I have co-existed with people who own guns all my life. I don’t want them, but others do, and it really IS their right to own firearms.

Fear is the driving force behind our current situation. For the liberal, fear of the loss of life, and, by association, the loss of control. For the Conservative, fear of the loss of rights, and by association, the loss of control.

While the conservative force in our country is very pro America, they are also very pro freedom — and in their view, overt politics always threatens to take that freedom. The Liberal, while acknowledging the flaws in the political system, does not consider the government a dampening factor in freedom, but an enforcer, or builder of that freedom.

Conservatives put Trump in the White House for the very reason that liberals dislike him — he is in no way, shape, or form a politician (well, there’s OTHER stuff, of course, but this article isn’t about Trump). For better or worse, even with his considerable flaws, the conservative voters saw the previous eight years as chipping away at freedom. Yes, there’s many levels to that — fear of change, religious ideologies, etc. Still, look at any argument you can think of, agreed with or disagreed with, and it boils down to the basic subject of control. Trump is a product of the perceived loss of control by conservatives in our country. In fact, you can see that same wave in many other countries.

The NRA is, basically, a conservative organization. Once again, I’m generalizing, but I am not writing a book, here, I’m writing an article — Heck, it’s more of an elongated observation. The leadership of the NRA share similar values, feeling that same loss of control, that same loss of freedom, as the conservative. One of those areas of control is the second amendment, and there is a palatable fear that this fundamental right can be removed. Remember, conservatives are not fans of a heavy-handed government, and the right to stand up against that perceived enemy is not just with a vote, but to be able to physically stand up against the political machine if it spirals out of control. The right to bear arms is the right to stop a government that oversteps, just as in the days of the Revolutionary War. It would seem that no one is more patriotic, or mistrusting of the very machine that lead to that patriotism, as the conservative.

You may think that, when NRA spokespeople shout the battle cry of “taking away our rights”, even if you are not talking about taking away all of the guns, it is nothing but rhetoric — Fear mongering. I would like to submit that It is not a false narrative, it’s not a pre-determined talking-point; It is a palatable, real, physical fear on the part of the organization.

The NRA IS afraid. I have been looking over their website, and NRAtv. They are afraid of the political machine, the people who run it, and the voters who might put a liberal agenda into action, and the media that reports it. If you don’t like guns, and think there should be action taken, regardless of the amount of action you consider appropriate, there is a palpable fear in the rhetoric against you by the NRA.

Why? Let’s look at numbers:

There are approximately five million NRA members. The NRA wears that badge of five million width pride. But, in reality, it’s a very small percentage of our county. Heck, they’re a minority group:

There are approximately 313 million US citizens. Let that sink in. The population of the US dwarfs the number of NRA members. But let’s be fair, and look at other gun owners, as well:

There are approximately 78 million American gun owners. Once again, this number makes that five million look quite small. In fact, I would go as far as to say that the NRA is not particularly useful to these people, or there would be greater membership amongst gun owners. On the subject of usefulness, let’s look at a few more numbers:

Of gun owners, 74% NRA members and 84% non-members favor background checks for gun show and private sales. The NRA does not.

Of gun owners, 33% NRA members and 51% non-members favor an assault-style weapons ban. The NRA does not.

So, if the NRA is not actually speaking for the majority of gun owners in the United States, no matter what their view of the second amendment, or their participation with the organization, then what purpose do they serve? In fact, their current stance isn’t actually about guns. It’s solely about the loss of rights. They point that out often and emphasize it in capital letters. To them, this argument is never about guns. Unfortunately, to the general populace, it is very much about guns.

Looking at the above numbers, and considering their current stance, the NRA is, in actuality, not a relevant voice in the current conversation. They are a voice from the past, struggling for a foothold in a changing world. The average person listens to their commentary, and scratches their head — “Are they serious?” And NRA programing reflects that loss of relevance; most of the articles and videos I viewed on their website struggle to continually validate their viewpoint. To prove themselves right to a general populace that is simply unmoved by their argument of rights, as opposed to the question of guns.

To over-simplify: The “City ‘Folk” see guns as dangerous — scary. The “Country ‘folk” see a lifestyle that has always included a gun in the house — for protection, for sustenance, for education, even for bonding. Neither viewpoint is wrong. The conservative and the liberal must converse to come together. Both sides must drop the rhetoric of the extreme to make proper, lasting change that respects the rights of all of our citizens.

Unfortunately, the NRA continues to choose the extreme rhetoric. This pushes them further from the mainstream. Their Five Million Strong is, in actuality, not strong, at all. Their voice is no longer the majority, and people are finally realizing that the perception of the power this organization wields is no longer a given. Not unlike a Tobacco executive trying to justify cigarettes, or an oil executive trying to justify more drilling, the NRA continues to try to justify a position that we have outgrown.

President Trump has a rather unique on-line style all his own. I believe its a variant of something called internet trolling. What would the Twitterverse be like, if all the currently living Presidents tweeted like Trump? It might look something like this:

@BarackObama
I’ve got my birth certificate. I know where I’m from — angry Repugnican snowflakes can’t live with it — I won the election fair and square, the first time I ran — TWICE. That makes me an American by the rules of Presidency. Winning!

@GeorgeHWBush
I didn’t touch that girl from my chair. I never met that girl. I’m in a wheelchair — what did she think I was going to do? Just more lies from Crooked Hillary to cover up the fact that Bad Boy Bill did MUCH worse in the Oval Office. Fake Media continues to report a non-issue. Sad.

@BillClinton
Monica Lewinsky has an axe to grind, and the Failing NY Times is latching on to her lies. LIES! And her story doesn’t hold water — She was never very smart, or pretty, for that matter. Obviously eats too much. How could she let herself go like that? That Dog don’t hunt.

@GeorgeWBush
Fake Media saying I’m not smart. I went to college, and was a hero in the Air National Guard. I flew F-102s. I’m the one who slapped ‘Sad Saddam’ where it hurt. I’m the one who stood on the rubble — certainly not Hillary. Where was SHE when the planes were flying? I was the only one who could fix it.

@JimmyCarter
No accomplishments? I got Egypt and Israel to sign the Camp David accords. They shook hands — Everyone saw that. All the failed “experts” said it couldn’t be done. Stock market had MASSIVE gains that day. Falling Ford better watch his tone, after all, the people voted and I won by a HUGE margin.

No Presidents were harmed in the creation of this article. Even the rather loud one that currently holds the office, whom inspired the above. Stunt Presidents were used when applicable. Your milage may differ. Consult the manual before reading. Don’t try this at home – Tweeting like this is really annoying.

]]>http://www.wakingupafterforty.net/if-all-presidents-tweeted-like-trump/feed/01522Sling TV: More Of The Samehttp://www.wakingupafterforty.net/sling-tv-more-of-the-same/
http://www.wakingupafterforty.net/sling-tv-more-of-the-same/#respondSun, 03 Jul 2016 00:46:41 +0000http://www.wakingupafterforty.net/?p=1415I had great hopes for Sling TV, but that was then.
Sling TV is just not a great option for cord-cutters; In fact, it's starting to look like the rest of the cords.]]>I had great hopes for Sling TV, but that was then.

Sling TV is just not a great option for cord-cutters; In fact, it’s starting to look like the rest of the cords.

Everyone is excited about Sling TV. Is it truly a game-changer? After a careful look, I’m just not impressed.

Let’s start with one simple fact: Sling TV is a subsidiary of Dish Network. This places Sling TV in the position of an alternate revenue stream for yet another big media corporation. This is hardly the environment for television anarchy and “death to cable”. They may have the experience to leverage their expertise and make deals with media partners, but let’s face it: When your parent company is a satellite provider, no one here is actually, as their slogan suggests, “Taking Back TV”.

And now this week, with the introduction of three new programming tiers, that old cable-smell is starting to permeate the website and apps – I can smell it right through my router. Let’s look at their offerings:

Orange Level – the original channels that you know and love (28 channels).

Blue Level – a new tier that gives you access to channels owned by NBC and Fox (43 channels).

Orange + Blue – everything from the first two tiers as a total package (46 channels).

If you’re quick, you may have noticed something – my math looks bad. Orange has 28 channels, Blue has 43 – why doesn’t Orange + Blue equal 71? Sling TV touts Orange + Blue as the “best value.” But is it? No. Not by a long shot. It’s totally misleading, as we’ll see in a moment. Orange is $20. Blue is $25, and both are offered together for five dollars less than their individual prices, $40. That would be great, if each of the first two levels actually had different channels: They DON’T.

Blue has the new NBC and Fox channels, plus ALL of the channels of the Orange level, EXCEPT three: Disney, ESPN and ESPN2 are oddly missing from the higher Blue level. So the Orange + Blue option costs $15 dollars more than Blue for ONLY THREE additional channels: The Disney-owned properties that suspiciously disappear from The new, expanded Blue Package. 15 bucks for only 3 channels means that Disney is playing Hardball, and that Sling TV is complying. The only way that Disney will allow their flagship channels to sit along-side of Fox and NBC (or possibly streaming on multiple devices), is if Sling pays a premium, which they are passing along to the consumer.

Wow. Isn’t that just like cable? This kind of advertising and “value” is exactly why people are cord-cutting, and Sling is rapidly becoming more of the same.

But at least Sling TV is cheap, right? Let’s check:

Orange + Blue is 40 dollars a month for 46 separate channels. Sling’s parent company, Dish Network, offers a basic package of 190 channels for 50 dollars a month for the first two years. Cable providers tend to package basic-level HD channels with Internet AND phone for around 100. I realize that’s for a fixed period, and then prices go nuts (and you have to call to haggle with them), but the larger Sling becomes, the less it is looking like that big of a savings. Sling does offer more channels than the initial 46, but you have to pay 5 dollars for each additional “package” that you add-on to your monthly subscription (more for HBO and Showtime). These packages include other channels that you don’t want, just like your current cable company. There is no great difference, here. The promise is already starting to give way to reality: These media conglomerates are simply NOT going to play ball – they still want their piece of the pie, weather they are on cable, satellite, or a streaming device.

To be fair, this is not Sling’s fault. It is the cancer that permeates the media companies. They refuse to cut the profit margins that they have enjoyed since the heyday of cable. They continue to squeeze the providers, who in turn squeeze us because we are dying to see this week’s episode of Big Bang Theory. Very few channels are actually independent entities; they are each a part of a larger corporate whole. NBC/Universal, for example, owns the Golf Channel, SyFy, Chiller, Cloo, E!, USA Network, Universal HD, Bravo, Esquire, Oxygen, Sprout and the Weather Channel. That’s not even a complete list. A company’s channels are picked up as a package by the broadcast provider that wants to present them – If they want NBC, then, generally, E!, Bravo, SyFy, etc. all come in under that package. Take into account that Comcast now owns NBC/Universal, and your head can really start to explode: How can you even begin to negotiate a cable alternative when these channels are banded together, and even owned by the big companies that you are trying to usurp?

Frankly, I’m beginning to believe that true cord-cutting can only occur by:

Turning off your television.

Throwing out your cable box.

Reading a book.

You simply will NOT be able to get everything that you want for a ridiculously low price. Many of us get our internet service from our cable provider, not to mention our telephone, so cutting the cable portion of the package kills their pricing deal, making the remaining two items more expensive.

My only current thoughts for an alternative to a heavy-handed cable package is, unfortunately, playing their own game, and learning to live with less: Get a very basic starter package (bottom-tier cable with phone and internet), than add on one or two solo apps on a streaming player. A company like Netflix or HBO owns their own in-house programming, and doesn’t have to answer to the Cable company for broadcast. The only way to currently cut cost is to cut options, because the current “package” system that these multi-channeled companies are pushing on the consumer is over-priced and unwieldy, forcing you to pay for things you’ll never watch, just to get the things you DO want to watch. And as of this week, It looks like it’s going to be the exact same way with Sling TV.

I look at Todd Holcomb’s personal Intellivision Flashback project, now available for the masses.

The original little Flashback, next to it’s big brother.

If you have been around for my original review of the Intellivision Flashback, you’ll remember that I was a little underwhelmed with the unit. So much potential, marred by nagging glitches, odd design choices, and poor play-testing. The Flashback, while very well-intentioned, was ultimately a toy. it WAS made by a toy company, after all (AtGames). Fun for a quick look, or to surprise an old game aficionado during the holidays. But for a true retro-gamer, especially someone like myself who bought an Intellivision II new off-the-shelf at a local Musicland (remember those?), it simply doesn’t hold up next to the real thing.

So why do I now scream from the highest heights, “Run out and buy an Intellivision Flashback?”

Because you should buy one, and then send it to Todd Holcomb. He’s going to gut it, put in a Raspberry Pi computer, plus a few other separate purchases and downloads, and send you back a game machine that can perfectly emulate any Intellivision game you throw at it (however, he’s only going to install the games originally included on the Flashback – He doesn’t want to upset anyone – I’ll have more on that later.) It will use the very nice controllers included with your Flashback, as well as the original power supply. Clean, simple, and incredibly tiny.

The inside, however, will be a Pi running Emulation Station, and using the amazing JZINTV emulator by Joe Zbiciak. Attached to the Pi in the case is the equally amazing Ultimate PC Interface, allowing you to connect the provided Intellivision Flashback controllers to the Pi nestled inside the case. There’s a beautiful menu already set up, and you don’t have to lift a finger to initialize or set-up or tell the thing what keys should do what – just like the concept of the Flashback itself, what you will get is totally plug-and-play. In fact, due to the Pi’s native modern video connections, you can hook it directly to your HDTV – no more fiddling with ancient video connections and blurry pictures. Throw your old “Retro” television out the window – it no longer needs to take up space in your man cave.

That’s much neater than I could ever do…

Take a quick look at the inside of my Ultimate Flashback. Todd put a ton of work into this thing to figure it all out – and now he has it down to a science. After he received my Flashback core unit, I had it back at my house in a week. Now, he’s just one guy, so your milage may differ – but Todd’s communication was stellar – I’m sure if he’s got a backlog of them to do, He’ll let you know before you even send it.

This link will give you Todd’s story – like many others, he had a dream – to somehow take that cute little Flashback, and make it into exactly what collectors were hoping it would be – picture-perfect emulation of the original Intellivision, right down to the controllers and the IntelliVoice conversation. After I tinkered with it a bit, I’ve added a few more games that I enjoy, along with a wireless keyboard (Todd includes a USB port in the back) and can now re-live my days of playing the Entertainment Computer System add-on games – All four of them. If I still had my Music Synthesizer (the fancy name for the Music Keyboard add-on) – I could possibly even play Melody Blaster, the only music cartridge that made it into production before the great Video Game Crash – Not that I would really want to, but I could.

Todd ran into a few snags while putting together his project – Certain things simply didn’t quite want to work the way he had envisioned – The Ultimate PC Interface, mentioned above, assumed that you were using a computer with a keyboard for your emulation – and Todd didn’t want to attach a keyboard to do simple things like reset the current game, or get back to the list of available games. Also, the Raspberry Pi runs the Linux operating system, and the Linux version of the JZINTV emulator didn’t recognize the Ultimate PC Interface, which would make the Flashback controllers dead as doornails – causing his dream to fall a bit short of his goal.

So, what’s a fella to do? Simply go to the retro-gaming community and ask them, of course.

Here’s the deal – the retro-video game community is a great group of people. They are not just people selling old gaming stuff to a bunch of geeks – but home-brew hackers, electronic tinkerers, historians and amazing cheering sections for others who want to pick up and preserve a piece of gaming history. Or, yes, even emulate some of that history. This, however, is not a story about the pros, cons and legality of emulation (that’s a topic for another day). This is about Todd – who simply wanted to have an Intellivision that he could hook up to his new TV. One that he could play a game on without digging the cartridges out of the closet. Something simple, that allowed him to get his Intellivision fix without setting up all the ancient hardware, and tuning to channel 3 (4 on the east coast). It was a cool project, And something that the community enjoyed watching, offering their two-cents, and asking questions so they could gather up the parts and do it themselves, as well.

That community responded by helping Todd make things work. Joe Zbiciak updated the Linux version of the JZINTV emulator, so it could use the Ultimate PC Interface. David Harley updated his Ultimate Interface firmware to allow pausing, resetting and quitting a game from the Intellivision keypad – getting rid of the need for an external keyboard. While David was at at, he also created step by step instructions to set up his emulator on a Pi, for those who wish to dig in and do it themselves. Soon, with a little help from his new-found friends, Todd had what he wanted. Now, we can all benefit from his journey.

The Ultimate Flashback selection Screen, in stunning HD.

Todd’s own work goes beyond just soldering the parts together, but installing all the software ahead of time, and pre-setting all of the controller options, so you can start scrolling through a list of games and choose something to play as soon as you turn the Ultimate Flashback on. He’s also included an instruction manual, not only of the operation of the Ultimate Flashback, but how to install your own ROMS and to further tailor the system to suit your own needs.

As I mentioned earlier, Todd only has the games included on the Intellivision Flashback installed on his Ultimate Flashback, plus a few free home-brew games. That’s only fair to Intellivision Productions and AtGames, the partnership that has created the original Flashback. Here’s that famous disclaimer that travels with all emulation software, distilled to it’s minimalistic essence: Use ROMS if you own them, don’t if you don’t. For me, this was easy – I owned everything but 12 games ever created for the Intellivision – and I didn’t want to play those 12 other games, anyway. They sucked.

Astrosmash, with really sharp HD blockiness – Clear as a bell.

Technically, this is a DIY project, and you can get all of the information at the links I have provided above to jump in and feel the satisfaction of making this on your own. BUT, the Pi and components will cost you around $120 US, not to mention the time factor of trial and error while putting it all together – Todd will order all the parts and put it all in the Intellivision Flashback that you provide for a service fee of $149. For thirty extra bucks, you can simply sit back and enjoy some classic Intellivision. I say DO IT – I did, and haven’t regretted the decision. My Intellivision II is now safely tucked away in the closet. In a box. In the dark. IT might be a bit lonely, but I still have the spirit of classic Intellivision gaming right on my shelf, attached to the TV via an HDMI cable. It takes me only a moment to fire it up and play around for a bit, reliving my glorious gaming past, all without having to swap cartridges, or hook up all the extra “stuff” to show friends why Mind Strike is still a great game. And it IS – I swear.

Lastly, ColecoVision fans: Did you know Todd has also created an Ultimate ColecoVision Flashback? Here’s THAT link.

Finally, here is the link to pick up your own Intellivision Flashback for this project, directly from Intellivision Productions. You can also check Amazon, Toys R Us, eBay, and all the other usual suspects.

That little Ultimate sticker: Your guarantee of coolness.

What I like about this project, is that it’s a win-win: Some may scoff at the emulation aspect, and may cry foul or swear that someone’s livelihood has been hampered – yet the only way to enjoy Todd’s version of this Flashback is to actually buy your own Intellivision Flashback and hack it. Intellivision Productions and AtGames get their money, and you get the beautiful presentation and picture-perfect game play, which outclasses the original Intellivision Flashback, all in that cute, Intellivision-styled box.

But I say skip the hacking yourself. Instead, invest the extra few bucks and send it on over to Todd to “pimp out” – He’s already got it mastered. You’ll receive a plug-and-play masterpiece, and an example of the retro-gaming community rising to the challenge to help make it all work. The Ultimate Flashback is what the original Intellivision Flashback should have been. It’s a positive addition to the gaming and emulation community, and a great way to capture a piece of history for a new generation.

In fact, in the spirit of that community, Here are my own contributions to owners of Todd’s Ultimate Intellivision Flashback:

Click either of the images to download your own copy of the Ultimate Intellivision Flashback overlays! [Right-Click and “download linked file”.] Available in two versions: “Classic Mattel” and “Total Retro”, these rather superfluous items perfectly diagram the Ultimate Flashback’s main menu and in-game key combinations, and will look lovely in your current stack of Intellivision overlays. No, you don’t really need them, but darn it, they’re cool. And, like the Ultimate Flashback itself, they’re Plug-and-Play. The attached PDFs are pre-sized for the Intellivision controller, all you have to do is print and enjoy!

And, you know, if anyone in the community is really great at printing these things, I wouldn’t mind a couple of actual back-coated plastic ones… =)

This time, the different thing that I saw turned into a funny thing, that turned into a project thing, that turned into a meme thing, that turned into an entire website and upcoming series of short stories… Thing. Go big or go home.

I was looking at the cover of the iconic Hardy Boys Number one. You know, Frank and Joe in imminent danger? Even if it doesn’t hit you right away, here’s a picture. I’m certain you’ll have a certain spark of recognition:

So, I was staring at it, and a funny thought hit me. You see Frank, there? He’s the one with the dark hair. The older brother. He’s wearing that blue 1960’s sweater. Joe, he’s the younger one. The blondish one. The one with the 60’s clean-cut hair, parted down the side. Not unlike a young… William Shatner. Do you see it? Remember the Twilight Zone on the plane? How about the one where the couple is sitting in the diner, getting fortunes from the machine at the table? William Shatner. Strapping young Kirk with his sometimes blond, sometimes brown hair. Yup. Joe is William Shatner in another life. An alternate one.

And if Joe is William Shatner. Frank could be considered – Leonard Nimoy. Go ahead, take a closer look. Now, imagine that hair isn’t parted down the side at all. Imagine it running straight across his forehead. There you go. He’s even wearing Science Officer blue. Dammit, Jim, that’s a young Spock!

Now I had an image in my head, and I just couldn’t shake it. There they are, Kirk and Spock. Solving mysteries like a strange, 1960’s sic-fi Scooby-Doo gang. “And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling futuristic kids!”

Now, let’s say I could figure out how to do this – I have a few problems. Hairstyles aside, my alternate time-line Kirk is wearing “Ensign Red-Shirt” clothes. He’s dead, Jim. I’d have to fix that. THEN there’s the text – My vision can’t be the Tower Treasure with Kirk and Spock – That’s just wasn’t enough. If it’s going to be funny, It has to ring true of the original, yet totally fit my perceived image. It can’t be the Tower Treasure. It could be a treasure, but it needs to be more Trek. Trek Treasure. Hmm… Then, that hit me as well.

And I laughed. I grabbed my iPad, downloaded the first picture of the Tower Treasure I could find, which was a small, rather crappy scan, and did the following:

I even stuck a phaser in there for good measure. After all, Joe’s hand was out there, it might as well be doing something. While the above would not be suitable for posting, at least, not by my standards, it helped me figure out a few problems. I scanned a full version of the book cover from my own collection and moved it onto my iPad. After a lot of trial and error, the finished product came out pretty darn good.

The first problem was the text. From what I’ve seen on the internet, A lesser person just looking for a quick laugh, would probably slap a dark colored block over the picture and place the text over it. But that hardly fit my needs: To me the goal would be making it picture perfect, from the text to the cover painting, to the damage on my old copy.

I use ArtStudio on the iPad. It is very Photoshop-Like, in fact I think it out-classes Photoshop’s own mobile offerings. It’s been around almost since the iPad’s introduction, and is updated regularly. I took the scan of the book, placed a layer over the top, and started painting:

I used a dry brush setting, clicked the Eyedropper tool to match color next to the letter, then painted from the background into the letter. Basically, I was trying to re-create the portions of the painting covered by the text. You may notice that you can still make out the original letters if you look carefully. Since new text was going over the old in the exact same place, I figured this would be a non-issue. After taking care of the title and also removing the fictional Franklin W. Dixon byline at the bottom, I had the left-hand image below. I’ve placed my finished product next to it, so you can see my handiwork:

Much of the detail work in the final adjustments to Frank and Joe were simply overpainting, adding hair to frank for the Spock-like bowl-cut, and painting out the traditional shirt collars for the Trek standard uniform attire. As mentioned above, the Joe/Kirk shirt did pose some trouble, since it had to be completely re-colored, while keeping the original artists shading and cloth folds. Also troublesome was putting the phaser in his hand. I had to cut out the fingers and re-adjust them to a more proper flex around the handgrip. The phaser came from a picture of an original Star Trek prop, as did the Klingon ship, so I had to do a little de-focusing and overpainting to lose the photo-quality.

The last things I did might be considered a bit overboard, but I wanted to really sell the image. If you will look carefully above, I actually added the book damage to my additions. I painted over my paint-over, re-continuing the thirty-plus years of scratches, indents and marring of my original copy of the book into my new elements. Did you know that the front used for the titles on the original book is called Weiss? Well, Will Oxford does. His wonderful website, Hardy Boys Online is chock-full of information like that. Weiss is not only a professional font from back in the the day, but it is still in use today and copyrighted. Yup, I bought the darn font to make my version of the cover. Look at the way the ‘u’ is shaped, or the odd, upside-down quality of the ‘s’. Some of the more readily-available basic fonts look similar, but by the time I got to this level of detail, they just didn’t make the grade.

So, why go through all this trouble for a silly book cover? I could have stopped with my quick and dirty first iPad sketch, posted it, and that would be that. Ha. Ha. Funny mash-up – Scroll down to the next cat video. Are we done, now?

Nope. From this concept and first cover, Trek Mysteries was born. The Klingon Treasure is not just a funny cover, but an actual short story, written in the same style as an actual Hardy Boys mystery, with Kirk, Spock and all of the crew joining in. A totally impossible, utterly implausible, yet oddly engaging adventure, complete with wonderful line art by Jill Lorraine Turpin. It’s created with love and honor to two institutions that were a large part of our childhoods. Mashing together 60’s Star Trek with the 60’s version of the Hardy’s actually seems so obvious now, that I can’t imagine it not being done sooner. While we were working on it, I kept searching the internet: Surely SOMEONE had also made this connection, and would beat us to the punch.

Luckily, no one did. Maybe I think of things that are a little TOO strange – But so far people seem to be enjoying it. The website gets hits, and the fan page gets likes. I don’t know if we’ve struck a cord, yet. It’s not exactly an overnight sensation, but the wave is building. I hope you’ll take some time to head over to TrekMysteries.net and check it out for yourself.

Because I keep working on stories… And covers…

]]>http://www.wakingupafterforty.net/creating-the-klingon-treasure/feed/01199Sesame Street on HBO – A Mixed Bag of Cookieshttp://www.wakingupafterforty.net/sesame-street-on-hbo-a-mixed-bag/
http://www.wakingupafterforty.net/sesame-street-on-hbo-a-mixed-bag/#respondTue, 19 Jan 2016 05:47:53 +0000http://www.wakingupafterforty.net/?p=1224Reviewing the new season of Sesame Street.

New network, new set, same quality?

Lately, I’m an unofficial expert on Sesame Street. Why? The one-year old grandchild. Suddenly, I’m watching more Sesame Street than I ever did as a kid. The wonderful world of the Internet, Apple TV and Amazon Fire (yes, we’re using both) has allowed us not just to view the past few seasons, but the first seasons, as well.

The first seasons were sometimes, by today’s standards, kind of frightening. In the simpler time of the seventies, it seemed to be okay for adults to invite children to hang out with other random adults at their apartments, where Kermit the Frog happened to be hanging out in the kitchen, to share stories and learn life lessons. Now, the only lesson that encounter would teach a child is when to scream his or her ‘safe’ word to escape abduction.

Times have changed, and the simple beginnings of Sesame Street, a program for less priveledged youth to get a much needed preschool leg-up that they simply couldn’t afford, has had to deal with the realities of ratings and finance. Henson’s wonderful Muppets have shifted from the demure Kermit and every-man Grover to the flamboyant, musical Elmo and spell-casting fairy Abby.

As the colors became more vibrant, the environment became cleaner, leaving behind the purposeful inner-city grunge. The need to not only entertain and teach, but to compete with the growing plethora of noisy, vacuous cartoons and children’s entertainment became a necessary evil, along with merchandising. First came albums, cassettes and 8-tracks (remember those?), then CDs and VHS tapes, followed by DVDs. And of course, the toys. Ask about the great Tickle-Me-Elmo Christmas Wars of 1996, and many a mom will recant the very dark tale of fighting off the evil adult hoards to emerge victorious with the sacred red prize.

While funding most of Sesame Street through the ancillary merchandise worked well for almost thirty years, the toy world has become cluttered with stuff that I can only call “loosely adapted for television” to support a profit margin. Add to this the now falling DVD/Blu-Ray sales in an increasing digital, practically free YouTube driven world, and Sesame Workshop has been in trouble. How do you fund quality television for children when Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are stealing your income?

Frankly, Sesame Workshop’s last few seasons seem to have been desperately trying to parody and reference more and more adult material to make a splash and get noticed on YouTube and in the media: Things like Sons of Anarchy, Game Of Thrones and Boardwalk Empire. Things that children would have no understanding of, and would make me cringe a bit, knowing the source material.

Enter HBO.

Now, don’t complain. If you don’t like this direction, you should have donated more money to PBS; they couldn’t offer Sesame Workshop enough capital to help properly produce the show. And that’s saying something when half of your show is repurposed animation and sketches from previous shows. Also don’t cry about them “selling out” and depriving less-affluent youth – PBS gets the episodes one season later; it’s a part of the deal. If anything, thank HBO for trying to bolster their family offerings as they venture into the world of cable-cutters who are turning to Amazon, Hulu and Netflix. The HBO subscription app is the first of a revolution in entertainment, and others, like CBS and Showtime, have followed them into the streaming world. HBO has saved Sesame Street, which would have eventually went the way of Borders and Tower Records, and we would all have been lamenting the loss of the last, best program ever created for kids. Even if, as a youth, I was more partial to the original Electric Company.

So me, little Brody and his Mom sat down for the first two episodes of the new Sesame Street, brought to you by the letters H, B and O.

First off, it’s weird seeing the well-known HBO ‘snowy television’ logo in front of an episode of Sesame Street. I’m more expecting John Oliver and the puppets from Avenue Q to have a discussion about Donald Trump and a call girl, rather than Big Bird and his friends discussing bedtime.

The opening of the program was actually, wonderful, and a breath of fresh air: A simple intro by one Muppet character about the current episode theme. In the first episode, Grover discusses the theme of bedtime, the Second, Cookie Monster talks about using your senses. This is very reminiscent of 123 Sesame Street: Just taking a moment to talk to the children directly, quietly, without extra noise or even a storyline.

After this ‘cold open’ comes the opening credits. I have read that this is the first time the opening title has actually been done on the set, and the intro does, indeed, show off the pretty new toy – but might be a bit too interested in watching soap bubbles popping in slow-motion. It’s almost bubble-porn, if there is such a thing. But, this IS the most straight-forward opening since, well, the days of Henson, when we heard the familiar theme song while simply watching children play. Gone are the heavy-handed, “look at me” computer-composited special-effects-laden intros of the past five to ten years, and that’s a very good thing. Even the music itself is dialed back to be closer to it’s original presentation.

After that, however, we have a mixed bag – For starters, there is very little ‘new’ footage in the first two new episodes, and some of the re-treaded material is severely edited to fit in the shorter, 30 minute time slot (the last running time on PBS was an hour). I assumed that after such a big splash of media attention and advertising, Sesame Workshop would pull out all the stops for the premiere. Sadly, this was not the case. The first episode of the new season contains an old segment of “Elmo’s World,” literally cut from a fifteen minute running time to only seven. On top of that, Elmo’s World was originally shot in standard definition at the traditional 4:3 aspect ratio. Instead of showing the basically square frame with blank space to the right and left of our modern 16:9 rectangular screen (which they have done for years), the images were ‘zoomed-in’ to fit the new format, cropping off the top and bottom of the picture. The result is an uncomfortably cramped frame, with a lot of pixelization. Not that a child will notice, but it’s an odd editorial choice to actually degrade the image and viewability for the sake of fitting the screen. When Disney tried that in the movie theaters for re-releases of Snow White and Pinocchio, people were ticked.

Speaking of editing for time, even the few new sketches felt rushed, like everyone was worried things wouldn’t fit in the new 26-minute format. Pacing was off overall, laugh lines were run over to move things along. This is cable, for pity sake – run a little long and cut it down when you turn it over to PBS – the editors can make more educated cuts to the programming, leaving the pacing intact.

The first episode introduces us to a new human character, Nina, played by Suki Lopez. She has the difficult task of baby-sitter, trying to get Elmo and Abby to settle down and go to bed. Abby is having a “sleepover” with Elmo (Is it just me, or is that odd? I don’t remember my mother EVER suggesting that the little girl next-door come over to spend the night. In an episode a few years back, she’s having a sleepover with Big Bird – Is this some kind of fairy thing?). The two friends get a lesson in how to follow a routine to slow down and prepare for bed. Unfortunately the over the top antics and fast pacing overshadow the lesson and the lullaby that eventually lets them sleep.

The other new sketch in the first half-hour episode is a new on-going series for Cookie Monster – gone (possibly) are the movie parodies – Cookie heads up Smart Cookies, a crack-team of… Cookies… They solve crimes and try to thwart the evil supervillan “Crumb”. First off, the sketch pretty much falls on it’s face – it doesn’t really work as a concept at all. Cookie Monster is presented as, basically, Grover – totally missing the clues in front of his face until the last moment. Secondly, and this is possibly just my personal bias, but Cookie Monster working with a team of anthropomorphic cookies is just as creepy as those M&M commercials where the M&M’s are trying to go home with you to be eaten. Just – no, thank you. Ouch.

The First new sketch in the second episode fares much better – Alan Cumming plays Mucko Polo, exploring Sesame Street for all things Yucky. Oscar thinks the only thing that qualifies for that honor on Sesame Street is himself, and there is a delightful lesson in using your senses to ferret out unique things around you. Mr. Cumming turns in the best performance of a guest star on Sesame Street that I have ever seen: I’ve witnessed more than a few stars “phone it in,” blindly reading off of cue cards. Alan takes the assignment seriously. He is totally engaging, both with the human characters and the muppets, and his performance is quite sincere. With all that in the plus column, I still felt the old Sesame Street would have taken a bit more time with the pacing. The sketch does, however, visit many of the new set-pieces on the Street, as well as solidifying Nina’s place as the new face of the laundromat.

Unlike the first episode, which has two new segments, the above is the only new peice of the second episode. The other major piece within the program is yet another edited for time rehash of the first episode of Elmo the Musical. The sketch is titled ‘Guacamole: The Musical,’ and was originally broadcast in 2012. I totally expect to see the animated teaching segments about counting and words over and over again – but the meat of each program? Especially here in the first two episodes, where I would think all parties involved would want the show to be an example of what the future direction would be for the creative team. This was more of the same, with a shiny new wrapper.

The shiny end-wrapper of these first two episodes, and I assume each show for the rest of this season, is a new song for the closing credits – “Smarter, Stronger, Kinder.” It is the mantra for this season’s new focus of kindness, sharing and growth. I’m rooting for Sesame Street. They have a new lease on life, and I don’t want to see it squandered. They are going to have to become Smarter, Stronger and Kinder, themselves. I hope they get in the groove of the new time-frame, and start to bring HBO’s influx of operating capital into more than just the set, opening and closing. Slicing and dicing old material for a shorter time-frame destroys the pacing, and more importantly, the message.

And lose Smart Cookies. Seriously. Cookie Monster EATS cookies – Don’t give them names. It will only end in disaster and tears come dinner time…

Now that the scrappy kids are a full-fledged success story, how does thier newest album stack-up?

When Pentatonix released thier first album, PTX Vol. I, I went looking for a review. As a fan of the group who won “The Sing-Off,” I was wishing them well, and hoping to find kind words posted by the usual music outlets.

But I didn’t find a darn thing. Apparently, the music world was not immediately leaping at the chance to see what the young winners had to offer. So I thought to myself, “I’ve got a blog, time to try my hand at a review.” I do believe that It was the first review of their freshman effort, and I still get numerous hits on that blog post. It was actually my first review of anything, and it was a post from a humorist, to boot. It Just proves that OTHER people were also desperate for a review: they actually settled for mine…

Well, they certainly don’t need this pseudo-reviewer’s opinion, anymore. Pentatonix is a Grammy-winning pop group, spreading thier message of a cappella-relevance in an increasingly loop-driven world. In fact, the production is perhaps a bit over-slick to try to compete on that level; filled with echo, some chorus channeling and heavy duty bass for Kevin’s beat-boxing, to be certain that it has a modern sheen over the already reality-bending capabilities of the group.

This heavy-hand can be a good thing, and a bad thing. The higher the slick factor, the more I fear that the group’s sensibilities will be lost to the newer listener – as far as I know, including this album, they don’t overdub; they sing it in one take, so to speak, and bounce from lead to backup to lead in the same song, giving the amazing illusion of more than just thier five members. With production at this hit-machine level, people may assume overdubs, and miss some of the subtleties that give their signature sound it’s amazing punch.

Make no mistake, in this current release, all that punch is present in full-force. In fact, my main criticism of thier last (non-holidy) work, PTX 3, was the lack of a really “blow my socks off” number. This one starts with that punch, and manages to hold onto the “wow factor” for quite some time. However, the energy starts to wane in the last third of the album, as if the group couldn’t bear to part with a couple of the tunes that they had worked so hard on. And work hard, they did, as the main album is 99.9% all original tunes – unheard of in the current world of a Cappella music, which is known for taking current hits and spinning them in an all-vocal direction. The only cover on the main album is truly done as a cover, not a gimmick.

The extended version brings in the more traditional pop remixes, and feels like a tacked-on, “RCA said we should” set of tunes, including a remix of thier own original tune, Can’t Sleep Love, featuring the rap artist Tink. Good for them, good for promotion, but not really good for the album itself. I’ll be sticking with the bulk of the main album for listening, and use the extra tunes when I’m doing a giant mash-up on random of all thier albums – they’re all well done, but don’t really add to the main album.

The album suffers from a bit of repetitiveness as it draws to a close – Cracked, Take Me Home, and New Years Day evoke the exact same tone as earlier tracks, causing the last third of the album to slow down. However, the main album ends with the haunting, tear-inducing, Light In The Hallway. Avi, the groups baseline, sings with such feeling, and the groups backs him up with such heart that there is no way the average person won’t be moved emotionally.

And that is the key to Pentatonix – good singers sing well, even amazingly, but without the performance, the emotion, they are simply singers. What made Sinatra? Why is Mel Torme still drawing in a crowd in his eighties? The ability to bring music into the heart. Despite some missteps, Pentatonix’s self titled album continues to deliver music with wow-factor, and offers hear-felt performances greater than the physical years of its members.

Imperfections aside, here are young professionals in the top of their talent. Now I think they stand at a crossroads: Can a hit-driven music industry handle an A Cappella group? When you move from the slickly-produced tunes to a simpler, vocal-driven peice, does your new audience follow? If they added instruments, as I’m certain RCA probably pushed for, would they still be Pentatonix?

Previous albums from the group have been ninety-percent pop-cover remixes, and ten-percent original tunes. This one flips it, ninety-plus percent original, with some tacked-on pop covers. I think a natural progression for the next album would be ninety-percent A Cappella, and ten-percent traditional instruments. It would give radio a slick Pentatonix tune, and allow them to stay more true to thier A Cappella roots, instead of mixing-to-the-hilt for impact. I think we would all be accepting of an expansion of Pentatonix’s musical direction.

But what the heck do I know? I’m a humorist. =)

Here is a breakdown of my notes while listening to the album, track by track. My initial reactions are there – with (most of) the grammar cleaned up to protect the innocent:

Can’t Sleep Love. The single of sorts from the album. Great mix, definite push to be competitive with current pop and r&b offerings from people who use instruments or those darn new-fangled computer loop thingies…

Sing. Rolling stone blasted this song for simplistic lyrics – I’m sorry, didn’t they notice Pharrell’s “Happy” is just as sappy and silly – a great effort to bring about this type of catchy, everybody join in type of tune.

Misbehavin’. Once again, were purposely hitting the pop notes – complete with “yup” for a timbaland vibe – yes, I know what that is. Even with its do wop vibe.

Ref. So far, the tightest tune in the album. Catchy, clever. It all comes together well. Surprised that it wasn’t the initial single release.

First Things first. Fits well after ref, continuing the sharp, professional pop mix. It’s always hard to believe that Kevin is driving the beat with nothing but his mouth and a ton of clever – and now, with the more competitively-driven mix, He sounds even more super-human.

Rose Gold. Just a freaking awesome tune. Someone please tell me how much practice it took for everyone to sound electronic in the background.

If I ever Fall In Love. Pentatonix’s take on an r&b classic by Shai, with Jason Durello in tow – It’s easily the poster child for ridiculous vocal showmanship. Damn.

Cracked. Okay. Love you guys, but now we’re getting a bit long in the tooth, or a little unfocused. This song has the exact same vibe in the chorus as the opening track, and I’m no longer feeling the freshness of the earlier songs.

Water. Kirsty gets a song, and that’s a good thing. She often backs up the boys, and Scott is a perfect front-man, but everyone in the group is incredibly talented, and it’s always good to hear them on their own.

Take Me Home. An ensemble peice. Simple, once again allowing the vocals to be front and center, instead of cranking up the production machine. However, at this point, it’s feeling, as Cracked did, as if it’s already been done earlier.

New Year’s Day would be great on PTX Christmas 3, but here, it is way to reminiscent of Rose Gold.

Light In The Hallway is the end-peice to the main album. Avi takes the lead, and the whole thing brought tears to my eyes. It’s that good. Good singers sing well, even amazingly, but great singers “perform” the work, embuing mood and resonance into the life of the listener. Pentatonix are beyond talented, and kill it.

– 17. Now, we’re into the deluxe edition songs. Frankly, never mind. The album was complete with Light in the hallway. The next four tracks are three pop remixes, and an extended version of Cant Sleep Love with Tink. It feels like RCA informed them that it was necessary to include these to be certain not to alienate thier fans who have followed them since the sing off. Fine. But it pushes the album into “Amadeus” territory: there’s just so many random pop songs the royal ear can hear… =)

A bunch of crazy kids got together in 1992 and did the impossible, and I thank them.

I was back stage on opening night, waiting for everything to either begin, or abruptly end.

This was not a tried and true play being performed by yet another community theater group. No Neil Simon. No Agatha Christie. No rousing musical numbers that had been originally produced on Broadway. It was mine. I wrote it.

Heck, it was me. Even though I wasn’t in the first scene; there I was, all over the stage. From the audio currently playing throughout the theater in the darkness, to the simple cubes that would be various set pieces, shuffled around by stage hands that weren’t really stage hands at all, but just as integral to the production as the actors: It was all me.

It was 1992 and I was twenty-seven years old, waiting for the first laugh from the audience who had arrived to see something they probably didn’t even understand when they heard about it. TechNonsense? What the heck is that?

In fact, as I paced the floor, waiting for what seemed like forever, but was in reality about a minute-thirty, I wondered if I was actually nuts. Even though we hat tried this once before, and it did fairly well, this was a gamble: A giant projection television center stage, projectors on either side, and speakers all around, like a poor man’s Dolby surround theater. Comedy sketches with the actors on stage, pre-recorded video segments, and segments where people on stage would literally be talking to video counterparts of themselves on the big screen.

How did I even think this up? It was ludicrous to attempt. Today, if I said I wanted to do a stage production with video and audio cues, you would tell me to grab the appropriate files and load them up on a computer. Sure, it’s all doable – No problem…

But not in 1992. Technology was not yet up to snuff. My tech crew had two S-VHS video decks, as well as a true miracle of modern technology: An auto-search cassette deck for the audio cues. Old-fashioned video cable was running through a crappy Radio Shack video amplifier to the stage, barely producing a discernible picture on a ridiculously expensive 70-inch projection TV. Audio cables were run along the walls. It was amazing things even played, let alone played on cue. Old-fashioned Analog equipment wasn’t made for this – We had to force it.

I wasn’t the only one biting off more than I could chew; I had invited about twenty or so people to overindulge with me. Just like the audience currently sitting in the dark, the cast and crew pretty much had no idea what they were getting into, either. They trusted me.

Idiots…

And for me, it all rested on the first gag. Isn’t that how it works? If they laugh at the first gag, you have their attention. They are willing to take the ride. If it falls flat – well, it’s going to be a very long evening.

And for a supposedly high-tech production (as high-tech as you could be on a shoestring budget), I was depending on… Nothing. Audio playing out over a totally dark theater. You’re not supposed to throw it all out there at the beginning, after all – You were supposed to let it build… Right?

And, after darkness, there was a simple pratfall.

Yes, my high-tech production depended on a simple piece of 1930s vaudevillian schtick to get things rolling. The wordless equivalent of, “I’m taking my case to a higher court.” Good Lord, someone shoot me, now. They are going to boo this thing off the planet. I will be burned at the stake by home-grown wannabe big-time theater critics with torches and pitchforks. In black and white. Yes, the world will literally turn black and white after this travesty, and it will be all my fault. But that’s okay, after they kill me, the world will return to glorious technicolor, and things will be safe once again for theater-goers all over the world. Vince will never get the keys to society, and society will be the better for it.

But wait! There’s more! Get a load of the second gag: All the cool video stuff breaks down. The technical show that depends on all the technology to work, stops dead in its tracks.

Ha. Ha.

Are they even going to get that? One thing I always told myself was, until you are doing a 20 zillion dollar blockbuster, NEVER make it purposely look like you are making mistakes – everyone will think you actually ARE making mistakes, because it’s NOT a 20 zillion dollar blockbuster. This isn’t high art, dimwit; stick to the Three Stooges, and leave the highbrow crap at the door…

It’s amazing what can run through your mind in only a minute and a half.

So I waited. And I paced. And I listened. It was all out of my hands, after all: The first cue was up. The tape was running, and the audience was listening. I was committed, and I really think I subliminally made sure I wasn’t the first person out. If I had been, I may never have actually stepped on the stage.

So, Bill Blane; motivational speaker, business guru and financial expert; the man dubbed “Mr. Lucky” by his ravenous followers because it seemed that he just couldn’t lose, stepped out onto the stage and grabbed the microphone to impart his amazing words of wisdom and personal cash-flow to the theater audience… Where he was promptly electrocuted, and dropped dead.

Thank God, someone laughed.

What follows below are the videos of the first and second act of TechNonsense 2, warts and all. Yes, it was rather bumpy. Yes, the video segments were low-budget. Yes, the graphics and animations are laughable by today’s standards. Yes, these recordings have been through the preverbal wringer, and have seen better days. But you can’t deny that a wonderful handful of people came together and created something downright amazing out of nothing in the ancient year of 1992. I thank them all, and will never forget pacing in the dark, all those years ago. It meant so much to me that they all came along for the ride, and would not have been possible without them.

You say you don’t want to watch the whole thing? I totally understand: Neither do I. Instead, try these three snippets from the show:

Production, script and video copyright 1992 by Vincent Hase – All rights reserved.
Original stage design by Vincent Hase. Completely changed and actually made functional by John Patrick.
Original Music by Walter Noon • Copyright 1992 by Walter Noon
Original Music by Eric Huff • Copyright 1992 by SPPLD
Performed June, 1992 at the Rialto Community Playhouse. Rialto, California.

Yes, you may hear a brief portion of Diane Schuur’s recording of “What a Difference A Day Makes” somewhere in the production, and see a re-purposed Death Star explosion. We had no singer, and ran out of budget. Please don’t sue – it wasn’t like we actually made any money on the stinking production, anyway – crikey…It was 23 years ago…Give it a rest…

This has turned into a rather lengthy blog-post – I apologize ahead of time. Grab a cup of joe, and settle in. Just when you think it’s over – I guarantee you, it isn’t.

I’ve been truly having a “Comcastic” couple of weeks – But that’s not necessarily a good thing. I’ve got the Customer Service blues – and they’re making me, my whole family, and possibly a couple of strangers just wandering by our home, very angry. As a person who actually taught Customer Service (see? I still capitalize “Customer Service”. It’s a habit), I am furious when people drop the ball.

Everyone has problems at one time or another. Things go wrong – It’s Murphy’s Law, after all. Nowhere is this more true than in the world of technology: Can’t load this, can’t copy that, dropped call, missed email. It happens.

In the massive complexity of modern cable television, there are many more “moving parts”, so to speak, than your typical email server (in fact, I’m sure they maintain thousands of those, as well as all the other things that make audio, video, phone and internet run). Usually, though, the troubles are the run of the mill “my box turned off,” or “my voicemail isn’t saving my messages,” or “what happened to my HBO?” Generally straightforward problems have generally straightforward solutions, and most of these things are fixed by the venerable Customer Service Team with a reset of your cable box, or a reboot of your server.

What happens, though, when the problem is out of the ordinary? When things just don’t follow logical steps? That’s what separates the men from the boys.

Then there is the personal toll, as well. Everyone’s problem is an inconvenience, but what happens when the very nature of the problem could grow into an actual emergency?

This is my story. It’s all true. I may add my usual humorous slant, but you will quickly see that it was no laughing matter.

My wife and I were moving out of our current house. We were moving our service to my parent in-law’s home, where we would be joining them to lend a helping hand. They are nearing a time in life where a little help is required. Before officially taking up residence, however, we had some traveling to do, helping my Stepdaughter and her husband with their new baby. What can I say? We’re helpers.

So the idea was to take our Comcast service and move it to the Parents house, canceling their Comcast service – BUT, adding their phone number to our account, so both of our phones, operated by Comcast via their venerable “Triple Play”, would now be at the parent’s house, on my account.

I wanted this to work without a hitch, so I went directly into my local Comcast office to plan the move. We worked on this for about an hour – planning out how it should happen. They recommended that I have a technician there, because we mutually wanted the installation to go smoothly. We made the plan, and set the date for it to be implemented: February 27th, between ten a.m. and noon. All had to be working, after all, because the next day my wife and I get on a plane, bound for our baby-sitting adventure.

I went home victorious, with plans in place to make the move in one week.

Then, the phones disappeared.

Not all together, mind you, but they disappeared from our accounts. I got home from this journey of peace and understanding, this meeting of minds with Comcast, and both of our on-line accounts were now begging us to sign up for Triple Play, because we didn’t have telephone service through Comcast. Yet the phones rang, and we could make calls.

And I’m starting to think I’m in trouble. This first problem, however, is quickly thwarted by a call back to my helper at the Comcast office, and things were pretty much back to normal – except for the feeling of trepidation that was growing in the back of my mind. I set it aside – After all, we had a PLAN.

On “moving day” I grabbed our cable box and the wireless router/telephony box, and headed over to the parents. Sure enough, when the ten o’clock hour rolled around, so did the Comcast technician. An hour and a half later, after a couple of bumps that I’m sure I would have never been able to overcome if I tried a self-install (good suggestion on their part), we had cable, internet, and two working telephones. Job well done. I could get on the plane the next day with pride and confidence, knowing I had properly cared for my elders.

When we got off the plane, I went to my trusty Comcast Connect app to check for any messages and I couldn’t get the app to initialize, I kept getting an error. Checked my account on-line – and my phone number wasn’t there. Only our parent’s number was available to me. I panicked, and called the parents line. They answered. At least, if something had gone wrong, it was happening to me, and not them. They need the phone. They have doctor’s appointments, and need the line for communication, and possibly emergencies. It is imperative that they had a working phone.

It was late, I was tired. I decided to try a chat with a Comcast person on the internet. Never tried the chat before – what could go wrong? Here’s What I told them:

I have recently set up service in my home. It moved from a previous location. I have two phone lines, both working correctly in our home. However, I only see one of them when I go to voice preferences while logged into my account on xfinity.com. The same applies to my Xfinity Connect app – I only see one line, an I am unable to start the Voice2Go service – I keep receiving an error.

I went on to give the account number, and phone numbers in question. I was dutiful. I even saved the above message, so I could paste it again, if needed. The person I was chatting with did what limited things he could do – then referred my account to their technical department, where they try to get things wrapped up an about 24 hours. But that was fine; after all, we still had phone service.

The next day, our phone was dead.

I dialed it to check messages, Got a ‘number out of service error, please try your call again’. I tried my call again, and got the same stupid message. I panicked again and called the parents – thankfully, their line was still working. I Decided to try the chat one more time. I pasted my message from above, with the added info that my line was dead, and waited another 24 hours. My line was still dead. My Wife is a life coach, and we were depending on Xfinity to keep our phone line alive, via their nifty app, so her clients would keep calling the same number as normal – not missing a beat. Now, they probably thought we couldn’t pay the phone bill.

But, darn it – There was a PLAN.

And, after another 24 hours, my parent’s phone line (the only one working) received the following voicemail (copied from the Comcast transcription via my email, with errors corrected):

Hi this is Rochelle with Comcast Cable and I’m calling because we have a ticket open for Vincent Hase that your Call Trace is not working on your phone. I’m calling you back on this ticket to let you know that this feature has been added to your calling features. If you are still having a problem with that, give us a call back and we’ll reset your modem for you. If you’re not, you can just go ahead and disregard this call. Thank you have a good day.

I have not looked up what “Call Trace” is, nor will I ever. Don’t even leave a comment telling me. It wasn’t the problem that I pasted my carefully crafted explanation to two different customer service agents about, and I refuse to EVER know what “Call Trace” is. I just wanted my dead phone-line to work. I’ve had things go wrong with Comcast before. That’s why I went so far with the pre-planning. I didn’t want to be living through what we were now currently living through. At least the parents were fine, but now my wife is in the mix – I literally had to get her a cell phone to keep conducting business. It was getting messy (yes, the Comcast app is THAT cool – when your phone rings at home, it rings on the app – we haven’t needed a cell phone for two years, just a cheap data plan and in iPad).

Now I got on the phone. I talked to two different agents. The first one seemed to know what he was doing, said that the first customer service person definitely put the wrong info on my account, but he had seen this problem before, and would put the right info on my account. In fact, he guaranteed that our phone would be back up in twenty four hours, because he was certain of the exact trouble.

The second person I called said that, indeed, the first person had put the wrong info on my account, the guy who was so certain of himself didn’t seem to put any information on my account, and that she would put the right trouble info on my account, and it should all be wrapped up in around twenty four hours, because the phone people really try to get that stuff handled.

Twenty four hours later, my phone wasn’t working.

I had to try again, of course, but I didn’t want to get the run around. I did some searching. Where could I find the ultimate contact to get something accomplished? I found This Link – It’s a message from the Senior Vice President of Customer Experience, Tom Karinshak, and there was a “direct message” link to contact Mr. K’s office. I was hoping that, if I really stated my case to Mr. Karinshak, I might get some appropriate action. So I wrote him the following message via their web-form. Understand, the last time I had a major problem with Comcast, I made the poor operator on the other side of the line cry, and I felt bad – It wasn’t her fault, after all. But Mr. K.? I could give him a little grief:

We moved our Comcast installation to a new location on 2/27. Since 2/28, my primary phone line has not worked. Starting with your chat service, then moving on to phone calls, I have contacted someone about the problem almost every day. It is now 3/5, and the primary phone number STILL does not work. Everyone keeps telling me it will be resolved in 24 hours. That time-frame, obviously, has not been met.

To explain from the beginning: [Edit: You don’t need to read the history again. This post will be long enough as it is – I’m not trying to torture you.]

I have been trying this for a week, now – and I would REALLY LIKE MY PHONE NUMBER TO WORK. I have a new bill on this new account with $123.27 in installation fees, and yet I had to buy my wife and I cell phones to be able to contact people, since my Comcast phone number is dead, and no one seems to be able to figure out the trouble.

In fact, I DID get one call from Comcast technicians the morning of March 4, on [my parent’s number]. [Edit: Here’s the info about my new “Call Trace” feature. Remember, Don’t tell me what it is – it’s a secret. And I also mention my actual calls to the last two incompetent customer service agents, Frick and Frack.]

AND… My phone still doesn’t work.

Today, I was tired of calling, and looked around for another way to approach this problem. Chatting with support and calling them has not worked. In fact, I’ve directly left a message on the voicemail of the person who served me in person at the local office, and have not heard back from her. Frankly, I’m stumped. And angry. And without phone service. And the owner of two cell phones that I really didn’t want, or should have needed.

Now, if you try to call me – obviously, DON’T call my Comcast number, as it doesn’t work. And, don’t call my parent’s line, as I don’t want to worry them. Thankfully, their phone line works, and I want to keep it that way.

You may call me at [my cell number]. It’s my shiny new cell phone.

Dear God In Heaven, By All That’s Holy, Could Someone Just Get My Phone Working? I would really appreciate it.

Lo, and behold! The light hath shone and the clouds parted. The next day, I received an email response:

My name is Betsy and I am one of the agents assisting the Office of Tom Karinshak. I apologize for the inconvenience you have experienced and I will be working to address your concerns. I have escalated your concerns to our National Activation, Security and Repair Department. This department specializes in handling unresolved service issues such as yours. I have included your contact number [my cell number] provided in your e-mail, and if additional information is needed, you may be contacted by a representative within 24-72 hours. If you would like to be contacted at an alternate telephone number, please reply directly to this e-mail.

Mr. Hase, we are grateful to have you as a valued Comcast customer. We appreciate your business and thank you for choosing Comcast as your service provider.

Sincerely

Betsy H.Office of Tom Karinshak

National Activation, Security and Repair Department? That sounds pretty serious, I like that. Sadly, the last sentence, valuing me as a customer and appreciating my business, was actually pasted into the letter, or automatically generated by their system: It was in a completely different, tiny, insignificant font. They should really get a technician to look into that.

So, I waited. I dialed my phone number periodically, with the cell phone that I basically resented, as it was a direct reminder of my immediate problem, but still, our home number was “out of service”.

Finally, after two more days, there was a positive change – But it was far from perfect. With no other contact info except the reply to me from Betsy , I wrote back:

Well, we’re close…

The formerly missing phone number on my account, [our number], can now both seen both on the Xfinity Connect app, and when I log into my account at Comcast.net. Also, it no longer returns an out of service message when called.

However, it now only goes straight to voicemail. The line does not ring.

I am not certain if work on the account has been completed. I have not yet received a call at the contact number I gave: [My cell number], so I’m currently in the dark about the progress, except for me continually calling my number to see if it is working, or logging into my account to check for changes. The dark is no fun.

I only know that it has been 10 days since my install, and that phone is still not working. While I truly appreciate the efforts being made, I am in the dark and unhappy, as people still cannot directly contact us via phone.

My auto-pay is scheduled to go off in seven days. I’m seriously thinking about turning that off, so I can rethink my billing and charges. What good is this service If I don’t have the functionality I need the most, right now while on vacation? I may have to cut out the phone service (Triple-Play be damned), and return it to the local telephone service provider. I am at my wit’s-end.

The next day, Monday, I received the following:

Dear Mr. Hase, My name is Kesha and I am one of the agents assisting with the Office of Tom Karinshak. I will be working to address your concerns. I have reviewed the email and the account. I see our National Activation, Security and Repair Department are currently working on the phone issue. I have provided the update the information you provide in your email to the department. If you have any additional questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to reach back out to us for assistance. Mr. Hase, I want to thank you again for contacting us here at Comcast. Your satisfaction is our primary goal. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to work toward a resolution.Sincerely,

Kesha K.Office of Tom Karinshak

It was at this point, that I tried my phone-line one more time. And it rang. And my father-in-law answered. The problem was, he wasn’t supposed to answer. Our phone wasn’t set to ring. How could he have answered our phone?

Because HIS phone rang instead of ours. Apparently, when Comcast re-set the modem, the two receptacles on the box that we had plugged our phone-lines into – switched at the “main office”. An easy enough fix, right? Just switch the plugs, and all is done. Hooray! We’re saved!

But what I heard next made my blood boil, and made me feel like a total failure – I had let my In-Laws down. While our line was down, while the technicians were seemingly doing everything except fixing my phone line, My in-law’s line went dead on Friday. Now it was Monday – They had no phone service for four days.

Once again, that’s no so bad, is it? After all, you grab your cell phone to make a quick call, right? Sure. Except we live in the mountains of Washington state. There IS no cell service. My physically challenged father-in-law, who has balance issues, had to grab his walker, get to the car and drive to reach an area of cell service. Every time they needed to make a call. For four days. If there was a true emergency, they would have been toast, I would have never forgiven myself.

I am in a monstrous quandary: Who do I yell at, first? How do I even find a culpable party? Who was actually working my case, and were they even done? Were there more dead phone-lines to come? I had given my cell number numerous times, and I might as well have sent dirty selfies – it was obvious no one was actually looking. The Technician who managed to turn the phones back on, backwards, thought she was talking to me when she called triumphantly and spoke to my father-in-law. The “triumph” that came after four dangerous days of a total communication blackout.

So, with all this boiling in my head, I replied to my only lifeline, The Office of Tom Karinshack:

Could someone please update me on the current status of this ticket? Please remember that I am not currently at the address in question – the contact number is [my cell number. Again].

For the first time in over ten days, I received a call back. From Byron. He let me know that the issue was listed as solved. I told him that it was inconvenient, in fact, dangerous, that my family was without a phone, and that I wasn’t contacted about progress. I explained that there was a five mile drive by a physically challenged naval vet, possibly damaged by agent orange in that terrible conflict that no one will call a ‘war’ in Vietnam, and now he gets spit on again by a ruthless money-grubbing corporation that he loves to forward false emails about, along with the latest “truth” about President Obama, and you could have freaking killed him or my mother-in-law with this carelessness that bordered on absolute negligence (okay, I didn’t say it like that – but the driving, danger and negligence? They were in there). I had charges for installation that I felt were now an insult – why should I pay for the installation of things that I have to keep calling people to fix? We had no phone service collectively for 14 days. Did he understand how terrible this was?

Obviously not. He was either incapable of understanding that, or desperately trying to avoid it. He excused himself, put me on hold and, after a long time, this person who obviously had no authority to do anything for me, except verify that the trouble ticket was solved, came back on the line and asked me if the trouble ticket was solved. I said yes, to avoid further frustration, and we hung up. I got this email later that day:

Dear Mr. Hase,

Thank you for contacting us back with your concerns. My name is Byron and I am one of the agents assisting at the Office of Tom Karinshak. I will be working to address your concerns.

I called you at [my cell number] on March 10, 2015 at 7:15 PM Eastern Time. We discussed your Comcast phone issues and customer service issues. I am pleased we were able to resolve your telephone issues. I apologize that you were not contacted at the correct number once these issue was resolved. Your ticket has been officially closed as of 3/10/15. If you have any other questions or concerns, please reply directly to this e-mail so I may assist you in a timely manner.

Mr. Hase, you are a valued Comcast customer and we truly appreciate your business. Thank you for choosing Comcast.

Sincerely,

Byron D.Office of Tom Karinshak

So, was this an apology, or a legal document to try to prove that I was satisfied with the resolution? Do they cut and paste this stuff together from a template, or do they have a multiple-choice program they use to compile it? Whatever it was, it was an insult – there was no mention of our time without phone service, no mention of my concerns, or the danger that was caused by this service loss.

So, what’s a writer to do? Well, beat my head against a brick wall and try Mr. K’s office one more time:

I don’t really know who Byron is, or Kesha, or Betsy. But it’s obvious that “agents assisting the office of Tom Karinshak” are simply a sub group that sounds special, but is, frankly, about as close to the ear of Tom Karinshak as I am. Which is nowhere even close to Tom. I wonder if they are actually in the same building, or if they’ve even met him. I certainly haven’t met Tom, nor do I think Tom has even heard of my dilemma.

But he had better. My problem is NOT over. It is NOT resolved. in fact, the last person that I actually spoke with, Byron, ignored the stress of my situation, and my anger at not having a working phone line for over ten days, or the fact that our mobility challenged elder parents, both in their seventies, lost THIER phone line at the same location for four days, and literally had to get into a car to drive for five miles into an area with cell service to make a phone call.

Unacceptable.

I wrote numerous times that my wife and I were not at the home presently, we were on the road, we were without the Xfinity Connect App and the Voice2Go service – we were cut off from your services (and my wife’s clients) because after all my planning with your company to make moving my service to a new location – me actually going out of MY way to verify that the move of service would go smoothly – it was still botched beyond recognition. And after leaving my contact number, no one seemed capable enough to read the ticket notes (or scroll down this email thread). I received no updates – no contact – no warning that our parents were left without services. Nothing.

I could explain the entire situation again – but I won’t. I won’t waste my time writing it down. It’s already in this email thread, and I don’t really think the “agents assisting the office of Tom Karinshak” understand anything beyond “tell me the broken thing so we can try to fix it”.

So – Here is a recap of the results of this mess and what will happen:

– I was without phone service for over 10 days. My parents were without service for four days. that’s 14 days. I don’t care that both phones now ring. It was ridiculous and not acceptable – there will be recompense. – I have over 120 dollars in “installation charges”. This is an abomination, considering I have been chatting, emailing, and calling almost daily. These charges will be removed from my billing. I will not accept “free whatever” for x amount of months – I’m already subscribed to all the cool channels. Remove the installation charges. – My parents closing bill is supposed to be $68.03. My Father-In-Law had to get his WALKER to get to his car to drive for 5 miles to get cell service on numerous occasions this last weekend to make important phone calls to doctors and family. They will NOT be paying that closing bill. You will be comping it for the inconvenience, not to mention the danger, of having to get around this unimaginable loss of communication.

I have turned off the auto pay for both my current account, my old account, and my parent’s old account. no money will flow from this well until the above items are taken care of.

Speaking of “taken care of”, MY Xfinity Voice2Go STILL doesn’t work. After deleting and re-installing the program (again and again) it still doesn’t initialize – just gives me an error and tells me to contact Customer Service to get it started. At this moment, that’s a joke. Frankly – if it means resetting the home telephony box again – I don’t WANT you to fix it – my parents CANNOT be without a phone.

Frankly – I have family members lined up to get on the phone and verbally rip someone’s head off. I’m the calm one, and I AM INCENSED at the debacle that has been this move of my services.

Most would ask for much more – and I’m sure if there really IS a Tom Karinshak, he will actually do better than the items above. I taught customer service for a major corporation, and would do the same. Do you realize the lawsuit if something happened to our parents this weekend?

As it is, if no resolution comes, you will find the full story, all emails, voicemail transcripts and more on my blog, http://www.wakingupafterforty.net

Yes, the phone service is back on – and for that I am thankful – but I can’t seem to get it through anyone’s head at Comcast/Xfinity/NBC, etc. As to what a major Fuck-Up this has been, how we have gone far beyond inconvenience into actual real-world life-threatening shit.

Do I have ANYONE’S attention? Will there be restitution? Where is Tom in all of this?

If you will recall, I have a cell-phone number. It’s [my cell number].

I don’t cuss. It’s not my thing. But I thought that putting the entire message in capitals would have me dismissed as a whack-job nube. I needed something to change the tone, and let them know I was serious – Cuss, it is. And, while the blog post “threat” was rather tacky, it was true – you’re reading it, aren’t you?

Here’s the response (email, mind you) that came later that day:

Dear Mr. Hase,

I apologize that the previous communication did not meet your needs. I appreciate you contacting us back. My name is Lovasie and I look forward to working with you to get your Digital Voice concern resolved to your satisfaction.

I have received your e-mail. I understand that you are still having ongoing issues with your Digital Voice services. I would like to thank you for securing your account with us via e-mail. I also thank you for securing your father-in-law’s account with us via e-mail. You have expressed that your parent’s calls are going straight to voicemail; the phone does not ring, non-functional for 10 days, and you have been charged for installation. I definitely understand your frustration. After carefully reviewing your account I have credited your account of the installation charges. You will be able to see your applied credit on your account in 1-2 billing cycles. Once our system updates within the next 24 hours you will be able to logon to Comcast.com click on Billing and Credits for viewing. As for your parents account their contract expired on 02/27/15; if the account was closed after that date then there will not be an ETF (Early Termination Fee). If their account was closed prior to that date then an ETF will be applied per their contract. If you have any further questions or concerns, please feel free to reply directly back to this e-mail for assistance.

Mr. Hase, we appreciate your business here at Comcast and thank you for allowing us to work towards a resolution for you.

Sincerely,

Lovasie J.Office of Tom Karinshak

Now, what the hell was that? I suppose this was their capitulation, as garbled and confused as it was. A credit was being issued, after all. I believe the cryptic end to that email might have meant, “yes, I’ll apply a credit for the closing bill, but if they cancelled their plan before the end of the contract, there may be termination fees.” I understand having to mention that, but I would really have preferred better grammar all the way around. Or an ounce of actual care, instead of corporate-driven blathering.

Oh, and I finally DID receive an actual phone call. It came later that day from a real human being at Comcast – It was a nice sounding gentleman wanting to discuss the discount.

However, he called my home phone…

So, do you think the story is over? That all is well? The phones ring, I got some money refunded, and the world is a better place, even though no one from Comcast seemed to truly acknowledge my frustrations and fears? Nope. Not in the least. (Doing my best Stan Lee:) Turn the page, faithful reader, and be amazed…

The final exchange above was march 11th. On the 12th, I tried the Voice2Go app one more time – and by golly, it actually worked. I thought it was rather nice for some unseen human being that I don’t know and can’t thank to continue on and fix that last piece of the puzzle.

Then I looked a bit closer, and the Parent’s phone number had disappeared from my account.

I no longer wanted to thank that faceless person. I wanted to actually remove their face.

I cussed. Loudly. I tried to call the In-Law’s phone, and got a “this number has been disconnected” message. I stormed through the halls of my stepdaughter’s lovely home, where she, her husband and their innocent, adorable, unsullied baby reside, swearing like a sailor. I was beyond furious – there they were, without a phone again. Do I have to call them every day to make sure Comcast can actually keep the phones on? Why offer a service; an important, possibly life-saving service, if you can’t keep up your end of the bargain?

Now I grabbed my sad, unloved cell phone and blindly dialed 1-800-comcast. Whomever was on the other end of the phone had better be the inventor of modern digital telecommunications, or I was going to eat them.

But first – I would have to get past the computerized phone prompts. You see, a large corporation, such as Comcast/Xfinity/NBC/and all the other companies they own that are too numerous to mention, needs to sort out the calls. I totally understand that. But to do this, they have invented a “smart” system that, basically, tries to pawn you off onto their website:

“Did you know that you can find information about your phone service on xfinity.com?”

No, I really can’t get this information on xfinity.com – Quite frankly, I can barely get information about my service from your live human beings, let alone your stupid website. Your stupid website currently thinks I only have one fucking phone, and I’m going to destroy the person who, in just a moment, will wish they had never come to work this morning, or applied to Comcast for a job, or were placed on this planet.

An unlucky woman answered, “Welcome to Comcast, my name is (I forget – I was angry), how may I help you, today?”

You can go back in time, meet your own parents, and shoot them dead. That way, you will not have to deal with me.

I forcefully held back, remembering the last time a made a Comcast person cry, “I am having phone problems,” I understated severely, waiting for one hint of stupidity. One smidgeon of corporate-ease, one false step before I unleashed a verbal barrage that would make Gordon Ramsay proud.

“What seems to be the trouble?”

“One of my two phone lines has disappeared from my account,” I said through clenched teeth, “Again. The line is dead. I have been dealing with this for two weeks.”

“One moment please, let me look up your account.”

She put me on hold. That was wise. Never coming back on the line would be wiser. And, amazingly enough, she didn’t. She must have looked up my account and ran. Someone else got back on the line.

“My name is Martha (no it’s not, but I’m changing the name of this person to protect the innocent), I’m taking over your case.”

She sounded rather self-assured. That’s just fine; I have broken stronger. How would Martha do what no one else has been able to do for two weeks?

“So, tell me what’s happening.” She was hesitant, probably ready for verbal sparring. We were speaking, but dancing, like prize fighters in the ring. Both of our tones were a bit forced, as we sized each other up. I gave Martha points for that, but in the end, it would make no difference, since I was simply going to rip her to shreds. Yes, I would feel bad about it later, but I would revel in the now like one of those Twilight werewolves: I’d wait to do the serious, youthful brooding after it was all over. And possibly flex my pecs.

I told her what was happening through clenched teeth. She listened, then said something that I don’t think a modern, litigation-paranoid huge conglomerate would probably want her to say – but it was absolutely the appropriate thing to say:

“That’s not right. We’re going to fix that right now.” I was taken aback by her candidness. “I’m going to give you my direct phone number, up front, because it’s my goal that you’ll never have to use it again.”

Now do you understand why I’ve changed her name?

She didn’t give me what I have now come to know as the usual Comcast jargon: “I’m sorry to hear that you are having troubles that I will simply not admit are from any wrong-doing by our company, the company currently causing you pain that I am not allowed to acknowledge. Let me see what I can do and remember that you are a valued customer and I’m so glad that you have chosen Comcast, even though we are contractually locked into this region and you can’t get a different cable company, even if you made a deal with satan.”

Nope. She simply told me it wasn’t right.

You know what else she did? She fixed it. In under ten minutes, while we were talking on the phone. “So you say they’ve credited your account?”

“Yes, mine and my Father in-law’s.”

“Well, I see your credit. But I don’t see anything on your father’s account. Here, let me fix that.” And, like a gleeful Willy Wonka, she simply started removing charges. “This is the favorite part of my job,” she said with an almost subversive lilt in her voice, “making people happy.”

When we were done, I explained my frustration at the corporate runaround. At the lack of true concern for the service interruption. She understood. She gave me her working hours, and told me to call if there were ever any needs. She asked me to give her contact information to my in-laws, in case they ran into troubles, “I’ve been here fifteen years, and I’m not going anywhere.”

When I think about “Martha”, I am frightened for her. She is just what Comcast needs, and yet, I am pretty sure she’d be reprimanded for what she did for me: Taking care of my needs without running things up the chain of command. Sympathizing and empathizing, even to the detriment of the company name or position. Making things right.

Do I blame Comcast? Do I dislike them? Yes, I certainly do. It’s a giant corporation that is literally not designed to take care of anything beyond the norm. In an unending race to be better, larger, more capable, they have created an atmosphere within their own company where, truly, the left-hand of Customer Service has no idea what the right-hand of the technicians are capable of, and in turn, the technology-side has no idea what the Customer Service-side is promising. While this is happening, all parties are playing it safe to avoid negativity, thinking that it will keep the image positive, while it actually ticks-off the very Customers that they are supposed to be serving. The emails I received and posted above? Not one time did I find any of the pre-programmed sentiment genuine, and I’m certain you didn’t either. The corporate posture never fools anyone.

But I know there are real people in there. People like Martha. People who actually care about getting it right. You can find them if you try hard enough. Call again, and keep trying. These are people that Comcast needs in droves, but their own system makes it very hard to get to them. Thankfully, I have one such person’s phone number.

And this one person makes that giant corporate mess seem a much more surmountable obstacle. Clicking on the link to the “Senior Vice President of Customer Experience” sent me down an unfathomable labyrinth that left my family hanging for two weeks.

One random call to “Martha” – and things were fixed.

Times are changing, and entertainment options are growing. Comcast, it’s time to re-think your strategy. Perhaps that corporate-laiden moniker of Customer Experience should be brought back to it’s proper roots: Customer SERVICE. Your Customer’s sanity, and your bottom-line, depend on it.

If SyFy can create terrible disaster films with sharks – I can create terrible Christmas albums with rap-tunes. Right?

My wife never knows what I’m going to do at any given minute of the day. Ever. I’m a very creative person with Attention Deficit Disorder. She is probably happy that I don’t have ADHD, because I would have recorded this while running around the house and hopping on one foot.

I do silly things. Last year, I decided that I should record a Christmas album. You know, like everyone at Christmas, I enjoy sitting by the fire, drinking egg nog and writing comedy sketches. And then there’s the singing. The very bad, off-key singing… My Wife has the patience of a saint, and puts on a good game-face whenever another wacky idea pops into my head.

Check out the files below and welcome to my Wife’s world – be thankful that you only have to put up with this for about fifteen or so minutes. Of course, you can always turn it off if it’s grating on your nerves.

I’ll bet my Wife thinks you’re pretty lucky. In fact, I’m sure of it.

01 – Law & Santa – The cast of Law & Order meet Santa – and there is no miracle on 34th Street.

If you wish to support my lame rear-end, and possibly be subjected to more of this triviality, please purchase an actual digital copy of this pile of recordings yourself via your favorite digital audio retailer: