Sisters hold monthly meeting on quitting sorority

not not true

Last Tuesday night, seven sisters convened their monthly open discussion on how they’re all “literally two seconds away” from quitting their top-tier sorority. While this is the first instance covered by Monday Monday, anonymous sources confirm that 100 percent of sorority pledge classes carry out these conversations discretely throughout the entire year, in hotspots such as ABP and "late-nights in [omitted] section."

The discussion began with one sister’s “horror story” of the other night’s mixer. The source was “absolutely enraged” by the offensive theme that she, too, voted for.

“I mean, obviously I wasn’t going to vote against it when they sent the poll out–it was the clear favorite. But dressing up for it, showing up, taking pictures for my Insta, having to watch everyone sing those awful songs alongside me?” The sister shook her head incredulously. “I was really f***ing upset.”

Several others confirmed that yes, they had also felt the same way despite expressing nothing of the sort either publicly or privately at the time. Even the seniors above them, apparently, thought that last year’s Cinco de Mayo “incident” would have been the last straw–especially after the subsequent “inclusivity” forum.

It didn’t take long, though, for the conversation to turn to the Greek hierarchy–reported as the number one point of complaint among those who benefit from it the most. “When I didn’t get invited to the mixer last week even though I know like all the guys,” said one exasperated sophomore, “I felt so, so bad about myself.”

The sister to her right, notorious for ignoring non-Greek peers on the quad, nodded in agreement. “Greek life just does this excluding s**t to you…It’s like they want you to be this pawn in their game. And every time you’re not selected to play, it just takes something out of you.”

Others nodded as the girl across the table interjected a related point. “I’ve seriously had enough with being compared to other girls,” she said of the “sexist” and “objectifying” internal process of sorting sisters into A-, B-, and C-lists. “It’s so horrible and pointless. We all know we’re the most attractive ones on campus anyway–like, we all got bids. I’m so done.”

“Forget this ‘key three’ bulls**t,” said the sister to her right. “Why don’t we just have a core four?” Her suggestion received a round of furious snapping from the homogenous group. “That’s what we need,” confirmed another, who then clarified that a “power five,” however, was “just too much. I mean, let’s not get carried away here.”

When later asked if they were open to mixing with [omitted] in follow-up to the diversity comment, the same social chair responded, “Oh, um…is that, like, the multicultural one?” After a minute of puzzled looks, she concluded, “I guess different perspectives might not be a bad thing, right? At least the conversation could be good.”

The meetings for two other unnamed sororities followed much of the same pattern. One senior, when interviewed after her own pledge class’ discussion, said, “Look—what’s the harm in talking? I am going to quit—I’ve been saying it for years.” But if not, she added, “At least I shared, right?”

Sororities also didn’t shy away from explicitly naming other groups during these meetings.

The student, who nonetheless “wasn’t really loving” her sorority, followed up this statistical argument by adding that yes, [omitted] had been her top choice during rush. “No, I didn’t get in–what does that have to do with anything?”

“I mean, the problem is, I already paid dues,” said one social chair of the quitting process. “Like it’s a sunk cost, so I might as well get something out of it for a little while longer.” Despite being miserable, it just “didn’t make sense” for her to quit yet. “Definitely next year though.”

Other problems cited among “soon-to-be” ex-sisters included “waste-of-time” chapter meetings, mandatory dinners with “friends I don’t even like,” and going to mixers the night before an exam: all of which are “unavoidable” issues of sorority membership.

Further polling results ultimately show that most Duke sorority sisters hold the same view–sure, they might largely be intelligent, compassionate and fascinating individuals, but complaining about a group they “hate” while doing nothing about it will surely achieve the best results. After all, Martin Luther King Jr. did say, “If only we could get more talkers and less doers.”

When several fraternity brothers were asked if they held these same discussions concerning their own organizations, they replied, “Why would we do that?”