2011-2014. The original blog that got it all started. It represents reflections I had and sharing I did, during a time period in my life, freshly post autism diagnosis, worsening illness, though I wasn't yet clear on things. I was trying to process and going through a lot of hard learning. There's some good stuff in here, which helped others, and there's also some stuff that no longer reflects my situation and/or evolved insights. Please read with this in mind.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Entry 47: We Can’t Let Psychiatry Tell Us Who We Are

Despite these medicals' Patch-Adams-movie-style,
horribly closed minded arrogance, I feel we must come together and stand in our
truth. If we feel we are autistic, and we relate with each other in this, then
we are: period. These subjective,
narrow-minded psychiatrists with God complexes, are nothing but average-minded
followers when they refuse to listen to our truthful experiences with
compassionate objectivity.

Just because these closed-minded individuals refuse to give many
of us our rightful diagnoses, and see our truth, doesn't mean we need to let
them tell us who we are.

It doesn't mean we're going to stop incessantly telling them who
we know we are... until they either accept us, or step down. Vive autistic
people!

We simply must not let
psychiatry tell us who we are. We cannot let them pathologize our natural-born
differences, into all kinds of "personality disorder,
flawed-only-partially-human, less than capable of caring"...and all of
this other garbage.

We have brain differences, divergences, that we come by
honestly. They are only differences causing things to manifest and appear as
what they are not. How about the term “personality divergent” instead, if the
personality isn’t malignantly hurting anyone?

We aren't perfect, and neither is anybody. But when we are
less than perfect, why should either autism, or even worse than that pathology
in lieu of denied autism, be attributed to such inaccurate things. I mean, how
can we be expected to not react, when there is so little understanding for our
way of wiring. Is this fair whatsoever?

Within our differences there are such unique and mammoth gifts,
that have been, so far, grossly under recognized, under developed and under
appreciated. We may have come to be afflicted, and possibly ill; but it's
because of this practically dehumanizing treatment in the first place. It's because
of the trauma we have often suffered, when we were made to feel bad for things
we needed to be understood and accommodated for. We were made to feel less than
human. Insult was added to injury in the way of a vicious cycle, for year and
years.

How can they have the gall to stick to us, what has been done to
us? Give me a break. Enough is enough. This is not okay. This is
structural violence. This is societal abuse. There are many examples I, and
others like me can think of...but it'd almost take a book.

Most of this unfair treatment is insidious. So, it manages to
continue on and on, going under the radar… but not for much longer. We're tired
of it. We don't want our children, our future Au babies/new generation kids, to
be hurt as we have been.

If you know you're autistic in your heart, because you relate
with traits and the general wiring (albeit having your own personality of
course) and if you relate with fellow autistic people: then you are autistic. Despite their refusal to
diagnose many of us accordingly, despite their insistence to continue to
pervert your brain difference... reject
it.

Let’s come together, diagnosed or not. Let’s come together and
form Community. We will not turn one away without an official diagnosis. We
know who each other are, it's easy to recognize amongst each other. The answer
becomes a given.

So, let’s end the cycle of abuse; even if you can't get a
diagnosis, or don't feel strong enough to throw yourself into battle.
Especially if you are living in parts of the world where it'd be a fight, or
near impossible. Don't hurt yourself. You've been hurt enough. I nearly died
getting my diagnosis, honestly. I made myself so sick. Some of the story is
personal, I’ve told what I feel able to tell.

Now that I have my diagnosis, I use it for the purpose I have;
to try and make it easier for others, to speak out...that's why I got it. I
also got it for me, to have closure. I needed the truth, after being accused of
so many other things, called stupid, crazy, and treated as such. Having my
character unfairly pathologized, when I know that I’m a good person, and that
much of it wasn’t my fault.

I knew the plan was to put myself right out there on the
forefront. I saw that since I have such a susceptibility to attack, it'd be
particularly important for me…although some of it has backfired. I’ve been
accused of faking my autism for reasons I think are to do with reverse discrimination
and shallow closed-minded judgement. There’s nothing more infuriating to me,
because I was diagnosed using childhood video footage. The assessment was very
through.

Ultimately though, my diagnosis can’t be argued in lieu of how
thorough the assessment was. I can be a shield while debating on the front line
with various opposing, and at times quite powerful, forces. If people still
don’t believe it, they are clearly in a closed minded stupor.

Yes, even with my
diagnosis, I have still been attacked. I try my utmost to rise above and stand
in my truth. It can be hard, but I am strong. I know who I am, in my heart.

If you're not planning to be the next forerunning warrior, the
next AnMish, A Girl Outside The Box, Mind of Her Own, etc. then it might not be
worth going after. If you're not planning to do something highly public, that
you'll need heavy armor for, it may not be necessary to put yourself through
the fight.

In retrospect, if you still plan to put yourself out there as a
confidently self-diagnosed person (and I'm sure we'll start seeing more of
this, the more Au community strengthens) then you are truly a trailblazer.

That'd be a true "Wow" and let's hope for more of
that. As for me, it's too late to say I'd try. I was fortunate enough to be
corroborated, after going to the extent of presenting a bunch of childhood
video footage, in a relentless “proving my case” like endeavor. I may have been
doing exactly the above, if not.

If you want the "official diagnosis" like fire in your
soul, and are willing to travel possibly... and most importantly if you feel
you have that fight in you: go for it. However, be warned of how hard it may
be; and be psychologically secure enough to remember that if you are denied, it
doesn't' change who you know you are.

I made the mistake of going for it too soon, before I had all my
proper information together. The first couple times especially, I wasn’t
prepared for the denial I’d be met with. I was naïve. Man, was it ever painful!
So many of us have been hurt enough. I know what having vinegar thrown on my
open wounds feels like, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

So if you feel that you are on the autism spectrum; then
Welcome. Join us: join groups, join forums, join community. No official
diagnosis is really required. We know what these people are like. We will
understand. I want to send love, to everyone going through this. I see more and
more of you everyday. Hence why I felt compelled to write this now.

Keep hope, keep strong, things will get better. I won't shut up
until they do.