"I Speak French" is the 4th song on Mark Eitzel's debut album, 1982’s Mean Mark Eitzel Gets Fat. The lyrics below do not take account for the beautiful drone vocals in the background.

Lyrics

I speak French really well
In my mind
I also spell
I don't really speak no French at all
I don't speak any French

I speak French
Down those long, long country roads to a chateau
It's got towers
It's got dragons all around with a cannon
I could kill them
Lots of blood for my Mom
Lots of blood for my Mom

I'm gonna buy some shoes
One of them will be tan
The other one a kind of mauve
Because I know colors and I have money
I have friends and if I watch my budget
I can buy them
Go out with my friends
I speak French
In a rental with the air conditioning on
On the right side of the road
We get lost
There's a ____ he's a friend
He will show me the right way to go
In my mind
Maybe I'll go see a church
I'll walk up right to the bell tower
and pretend I'm the Hunch Back
I look pretty good,
I haven't changed for years
I have friends
I speak French
Parlez-Vous Francais?
____ Francais