Sassie Cassie Blaine

9.17.2009

I have some things brewing that really have nowhere to overflow to but here.

1) I need to move out but can't afford to....or I'm too scared to take the leap of faith it would require. My parents are charging a ridiculous amount of rent that I, some months, cannot pay. The amount they're charging is enough to pay for my own place but I know well enough that not paying your parents is one thing.....not paying a landlord is quite another!

2) I wouldn't feel so pressed to jump from my parents' ship if I could stop hearing the following sentence, "You need to make a plan on your days off for how you're going to make a contribution to the family." Really??? I thought my multiple hundreds of dollars per month would be enough of a contribution. I need to play laundress and cleaning lady as well? Somehow I missed that in the fine print.

3) I have a friend. She is one that I adore immensely but is at the same time needy and overbearing. Her self-esteem is so low that every other sentence out of her mouth is a bash against herself. I have tried every psychology tactic I can muster and the problem seems to not be clearing up. Spending time with her is becoming emotionally draining and mentally exhausting. I have tried telling her that if she wants to spend time with me, she needs to bring her happy face. This only goes to further her belief that I don't REALLY want to spend time with her and thusly she is the most unlikeable person on the planet. I CAN'T WIN!

4) My Not-So-Ex, Ex Special Man Friend is throwing me for a loop. We took a ninety day hiatus from all forms of communication after our break-up in order to get a clean break and to begin healing. My feelings for him have not diminished one iota. I'm actually very surprised. When SMF was in town a couple of weeks ago, he and I spent time together and it was as if nothing at all had changed. Never mind the fact that he and I hadn't laid eyes on one another for over a year, we were able to fall into the same rhythm and ease which we always had when we had been together. Apparently, there is a part of me that is unwilling to let go of that fact. It's not everyday that you find that with someone right?? And certainly LESS frequently when you combine it with the intense love we have for one another, yes?? So it would be stupid of me to toss it aside wouldn't it? Being together is not an option for either of us right now. We both have callings in our current locations and we're both feeling lead to stay and honor our commitments.

5) I'm going to start school again in the Spring. What am I gonna be when I grow up??? Good question! I have no clue. Stepmom is pushing for the Education tract and Dad keeps telling me to get the business degree. It's all up in the air right now and I'm feeling all scatter-brained about it. Every time I try and sit down to really think about the future, my brain scampers off down rabbit trails and refuses to let me ponder the possibilities.

That seems to be all the word vomit I can manage for the day. I hope to someday get back to writing on a more regular basis....as soon as I have the means to buy my own computer, I will!

6.25.2009

2. If I were to call you, what would you say?Ummmm...why are you calling???? That's what texting is for!

3. What is your favorite type of leaf?REALLY?!?!? I would have no idea....I kind of like the ones on bamboo sticks.

4. When was the last time you….- had sex? Yeah, right. Like I'm gonna say! MY DAD READS THIS!!! (Hi Dad...the answer is NEVER. And I never will! Happy Father's Day.)- swam in a lake? Can't even begin to guess.- went barefoot outside? Today.- ate peas? My Dad made some sort of rice concoction a couple of weeks ago that had peas in it.

5. Since Father’s Day recently happened, tell us about the person that you are celebrating.I love my Dad! He's wicked smart and is there for me whenever I have a problem. In fact, we don't "Google" things in our house...we "Doogle" them! "Dad! What's the average weight of a duck?!?!"

6. Were you dropped on your head as a child?Mwahaha!! It would explain a lot if I was!

7. How often do you clean your toilet?It happens once every two weeks....by the cleaning lady.

8. Have you ever been sunburned? Tell us about it.Yeah, I've gotten a couple of bad burns when I've been out in the more tropical sunshine. I spent those times miserable and hating my life. However, the Midwestern sun hardly ever burns me any more.

9. On average, how many hours of sleep do you get a night?Seven and a half.

5.24.2009

Remember Sam? Remember how I said it was totally platonic? Remember when my life was simple? Remember when I WASN'T AN IDIOT?!?!?

Remember?!?

I DO!

Then one night my Platonic Feelings, my Sobriety, and my Inhibitions peaced out, left me to fend for myself and chaos ensued.

Let's rewind a little bit, shall we?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About two weeks after my last post, I suddenly had the sinking feeling that my feelings for Sam were no longer platonic. It hit me out of the blue when he was leaning over to grab something on the other side of the table and I caught a whiff of his cologne. I have always been a HUGE sucker for Man Scent, but I was able to keep my shit together long enough to run to my bathroom, look myself in the mirror and scream, "What!! Are you fucking stupid?!?!?" After that, the night continued on uneventfully and I chalked it up to being in desperate need for some manly affection and moved on.

Then the following night as Sam was sitting next to my sister checking out something on her laptop, I looked up from my magazine and was suddenly overtaken by the urge to kiss along his jawline. Once again I excused myself and screamed into my pillow for a good five minutes.

*PAUSE*

I know you're beginning to wonder why I was so doggedly resisting these feelings. There was a VERY good reason. A reason I wasn't ready to admit to myself. A reason I couldn't overlook because it could have meant possibly hurting someone I care more about than any other person on this planet.

*PLAY*

After the screaming, I laced up my gym shoes and decided to get a little physical exercise while I contemplated all I had been feeling. As I was leaving, I heard these words:

"Hey Cass! I'll go with you. I haven't gotten any physical activity at all today!"

*PAUSE*

This is where Smart Cass would have said, "That's okay Sam. I'll go by myself. I need the solitude."

But the script went something like this instead:

"Sure! Sounds good."

From then on, Sam and I got together everyday to take nightly walks and chit chat about life. The entire time all this was going on I realized I was playing with fire. I was WELL aware of the fact that Third Degree Burns were really the only possible outcome. And yet, I continued to walk right into the blaze.

*PAUSE*

I am going to take this moment to share a fact with you. I have ALWAYS been better friends with guys than girls. I get guys. We jive well. Their simpler, more compartmentalized way of thinking appeals to me and we communicate easily with each other. What am I trying to say? I very, VERY quickly became Sam's closest friend and confidant.

Another fun fact? I also happen to be EXTREMELY intuitive......almost to the point of clairvoyance! Just keep those facts tucked away...they'll come in handy later.

*MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE RANCH*

This past Wednesday after Sam and I finished our walk, he invited me along to have some beers with his friends. I agreed and off we went. (Hear that??? That's the sound of Sobriety and Inhibitions packing their bags!)

"You know Cass, the only reason I'm going to be able to say this is because I drank too much tonight, but here it goes. I think I'm attracted to someone I really shouldn't be. I mean...I don't know what she'll think about the whole thing. She's such a good friend. I love the way she makes me feel! She gets me! And seriously Cass, I haven't been sexually attracted to her the entire time I've known her...until recently. All of sudden I just saw her differently and I realized I want to be WITH her! Cass....I think I could be in love with this girl.....Aren't you going to ask who it is?"

"I already know. You're attracted to my sister."

"How do you know that?!?!? I just realized it this morning!"

"Sam, I've been watching you watch her for the past three months. Your face gives you away. Don't play poker by the way...you'd suck."

"Wow. So?? What do you think?"

"Well, I've been dropping hints with her for weeks now and I know without a doubt where she stands."

*FAST FORWARD*After talking for over four hours, he's now reclined in the couch and I have my head in his lap so he can scratch my head while we talk. (I know!! FIRE!! Danger, danger Will Robinson! I realize this...trust me.) Suddenly Sam decides to utter THESE words:

"Huh. Maybe I fell for the wrong girl."

At that point he leaned over and kissed me. And we kissed for a good long time. And it was great. And we both really liked it. And it felt right.....totally natural and comfortable.

He left after that and we've been texting and acting as if everything is totally cool. We hang out nearly everyday and talk about everything under the sun. He still has feelings for my sister and can't seem to get past them so he's not really interested in pursuing anything. I still have questions about what exactly I'm looking for and what I want right now so I'm not really wanting things to go any further either. For now we're going to throw a table cloth over that elephant in the room and just use it as an end table. Truthfully, that's all either of us have the mental and emotional capacity to do right now.

So where does that leave me??? Well, right here. Blogging. While I wish things had happened a LITTLE differently, I'm okay with just waiting this whole thing out. I think...

4.23.2009

Well, you know how it goes. Life throws you a curve ball and you duck, fall on the ground, and lay there stunned for a while. Thankfully the curve ball wasn't necessarily BAD just...different.

First off, I am LOVING my job. The first two weeks were a little rough while I settled into the idea of not being as mentally stimulated as I would like to be at my work. When the oldest person you talk to during the day has only begun exploring the concept of complete sentences in the last twenty-four months, your job CAN BE a little under-stimulating! However, I have finally settled in and am now loving my days with those wee ones.

The two-year old is still cracking me up. Just the other day she walked up to me with her finger up her nose and told me, "Cassie! I can't git it out!" And believe it or not, she wasn't talking about her finger! Rather, she was giving me an update on a stubborn booger she had been fishing out for the past hour. Right now I'm just hoping that this job won't permanently kill any desires I may have had for children of my own. I also have a new found respect for stay-at-home Moms!!! (Oh my goodness, I don't think I have the mental strength to do it.) We'll see if that changes when they're my own!

As far as my living situation is concerned, I'm still at home with the parents. And truly hating every minute of it! In fact, just today I had a little power tussle with my Dad when he stuck his head in my door and asked if I was going to, "leave that bed" any time today. "Of course Dad! When I leave at 6:00 tonight to go to small group." was NOT the answer he was looking for apparently. (I happen to get Thursdays and Fridays off from the job. The family hired a part-time girl to work those days.) It makes my parents nuts that on my "weekends" I'd rather just slug around.

HOWEVER!!!! I may have a lead on a possible apartment. The guy my sister nannies with on the other side of town, is looking for a roomie! In fact, his rent would be $100 cheaper than the rent I'm paying here at my parents'. He and I have become fast friends over the past three months and we could totally live with one another and not want to slit our wrists.

There is only ONE huge obstacle to this possible arrangement."You're secretly in love with him?" you ask. Nope! Totally platonic."He's a total slob?" No way! Neat as a pin."Well then he's a total womanizer and you'll have to deal with his revolving front door!" Actually Sam is a perfect gentleman and is between relationships right now.

So what's the problem? He has a cat!!! And while I am nearly perfect in every way, I do happen to have a severe sensitivity to cat dander. Plus...I hate cats; HIS cat in particular! I have been over to his place numerous times and my allergy meds can head off the WORST symptoms (still some eye itchiness) but his cat is an asshole! We have a mutual hate for one another. In fact, the very first time I EVER visited, the cat shit in my shoe!!!! Not joking...little steaming cat turds were in my shoe. It's been all downhill since then. I've tried feeding it, giving it treats, speaking nicely and petting it. All these attempts have been greeted by hissing, scratching, biting and I was sprayed once.

Sam is completely bewildered. Apparently Shithead usually LOVES girls! He has loved every one of Sam's exes and has never acted this hostile ever in his life. Sam adopted this cat as a kitten from the litter Sam's parents' cats had a little over a year ago. Ironically, Sam's parents' cats LOVE me! (We went over there just to test and see if there was any "genetic" linking to the Cassie hatred. There wasn't.) I jokingly asked Sam if he could trade Shithead for one of the Nice cats from his parents and once again I was hissed at and bit....this time it was Sam. So, right now my moving out is in a holding pattern....because of a cat!

Lastly, an update on the love life. For a while there I was having a little fun with a doctor friend of mine from church but I was really only dating him for the free food and to have a standing date on the weekends. He, on the other hand, was looking for something much more serious so we parted ways. I am just not ready to be anyone's girlfriend! (I am enjoying my freedom.)

There was also a change on the Ex-Special Man Friend front. Ever since he and I had called it quits back in October, we promised to remain "just friends". Sexually it was really easy to do because we are zillions of miles apart from one another, but emotionally, you don't just go from lovers to friends in one phone call. We were still talking everyday. He was still the first person I called whenever something big happened in my life and I was still his most trusted sounding board for all that was going on in his life.

So, on April 1, I decided to take a 90-day hiatus from all communication with him. I told him I needed to get my heart back! He was such an enormous part of my life that when he left for Virginia I felt like I was left with only half of myself...and not the good half! He agreed and we haven't spoken since. It has been incredibly weird not to talk to him everyday. For the first couple days I erased hundreds of text messages that I started out of habit. I found falling asleep almost impossible without my nightly tucking in phone call from him. I still shed some tears over the hole that's in my life right now but that hole will naturally fill-in as I continue to fill my life with new friends, new challenges and new adventures.

I have so much to look forward to I find myself getting up in the morning ANTICIPATING the things on the horizon. I am so very blessed (asshole cats and over-bearing parents aside). All in all, I am very much in love with my life right now. Could I imagine myself in a different life with different choices being made and with SMF still in it? Absolutely! Those images are never far from my imagination. But would I WANT that life? I can honestly say, no. And that's the point! I love my life just as it is and I can't wait to see what's in store around the next corner.

So take that, Life! Pitch all the curve balls you want...this girl will ALWAYS get back up to bat.

3) What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?Anything pasta shaped with marinara.

4) What are your pizza toppings of choice?All veggies except mushrooms and olives OR pineapple and ham.

5) What do you like to put on your toast?Butter and jam....Smucker's Strawberry Preserves

6) How many televisions are in your house?An embarrassing amount actually, 5!! We have a 1:1 ratio of tvs to occupants.

7) What color cell phone do you have?An all black Razor

8 ) Are you right-handed or left-handed?Right

9) Have you ever had anything removed from your body?Hahahahaha!!!! Tonsils, a couple of cysts, bone spurs/fragments, a gall bladder, a baby, a button from my nose at age 4, and a fishbone from the back of my throat at age 9......and a partridge in a pear tree!

10) What is the last heavy item you lifted?A four year old.

11) Have you ever been knocked unconscious?Yup; in a horseback riding competition when the horse refused to jump but my body didn't. I woke up flat on my back, staring into the nostrils of my mother, my trainer and two REALLY hot paramedics.

12) If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?Nope.

14) Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?Uh no!

15) How many pairs of flip flops do you own?Upwards of 12. (Damn you Old Navy and your cheap flippies!)

16) What’s your goal for the year?Oh lord! Not killing any family members.....and moving out as soon as possible in order to prevent it.

17) Last person you talked to?The Baby Sis who left for Turks and Caicos today with the family SHE nannies for!!! (I totally picked the wrong family.)

18) Last person you hugged?A choir member after we finished singing a benefit concert tonight.

19) Favorite Season?Fall.

20) Favorite Holiday?My Birthday!!! Just kidding.....Christmas.

21) Favorite day of the week?Sunday!

22) Favorite Month?September

23) First place you went this morning?My job.

24) What’s the last movie you saw in the theater?Sunshine Cleaning, last night actually! (Totally recommend it!!!)

25) Do you smile often?ABSOLUTELY!!! It's one of the first things most people comment on.

26) Do you always answer your phone?Nope! I'm a hard core screener. I owe A LOT of people money. HAHAHAHAHA!!! No, but seriously, I do.

27) It’s four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?Oh lord.....do want the list alphabetically or chronologically?

28) If you could change your eye color what would it be?Very light blue.

29) What flavor drink do you get at Sonic?We have NO Sonics in the near vicinity but if we EVER do get one, I want any one of those icy neon looking things!!! (We still get their commericials which is just cruel!)

30) Have you ever had a pet fish?Nope....only pets of the four legged furry variety.

31) Favorite Christmas song?Carol of the Bells by any group that can do it well.

3.22.2009

Today I have officially begun my Spring Cleaning Madness. I am in complete denial that there is still a probability that the Midwest could see snow. I will ignore this fact and proceed full throttle with all things Spring. (I am even tempting the weather gods further by buying a new Easter dress!)

Today will be spent swapping out my winter bedding (good riddance fleece blanket and flannel sheets) for my pretty cotton sheets and then it will be time to reorganize the closet and reset the configuration for the spring wardrobe.

Yesterday I spent the day trying on and washing the spring duds. And let me just say that the 'trying on' part was VERY trying! It has been a looooooooooooooooooong winter. I shudder to think that I have managed to plump up one whole size since the last time I wore my favorite floral skirt! I think the frigid temperatures along with the termination of my relationship with Special Man Friend resulted in my doubling the carb loading efforts this winter.

So starting today, I'm eating HEALTHIER. I think that has been my main problem lately.....well, and also quantity. My biggest downfall so far has been the temptation to finish what the kids are leaving behind everyday for lunch! I also have myself so tightly scheduled in the evenings, I convince myself that the only way I'll be able to eat is if I eat fast food. I just have to re-discipline myself about using my time more wisely in the evenings so I can manage a healthy meal AND still get the things done that I have planned. I will also be getting into an exercise routine. A friend from church also wants to get in shape and she and I have created a work-out plan that we're going to accomplish together.

It's not so much that I think I'm FAT, it's just that lately I've been thinking more about my body being a temple. We only get one body in this life and I have not been taking care of mine lately!! Also, while I am not on the market right now, I will someday want new worshipers at this temple...if you catch my drift. So right now I'm hanging a "Please Excuse Our Dust While We Remodel" sign and the maintenance crew and I are gonna do some SERIOUS overhaulin'!