Review of Last Year's DefCon Convention - Calimar Rasputin
I wrote this article for those of you who are planning to attend DefCon this year. This is a true story about part of
my trip to DefCon last year. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll CRINGE in disgust! But there are very important
lessons to be learned here. Those of you that were there should not read this story as it will bring tears to your
eyes again. Some peoples names have been removed not because I forgot them, but because I don't think they
would want to be associated with something like this.
Last year I decided to go to DefCon in Las Vegas at the last minute. I had to drive from my hometown to San
Antonio to catch a flight due to leave in 3 1/2 hours and I was 3 hours away! "OH SHIT!", thought I. So I quickly
threw some various articles of clothing into a duffle bag and jumped in the car. Three hours fifteen minutes later I
was at the terminal and boarded my plane just in time. "DAMN I'M SMOOTH!", I thought to myself as I dozed
off on the plane. (Because of my tardiness I had to sit by a rather unattractive person on the plane so I didn't want
to talk to them.) When I awoke we were on the ground. I got my bag and left the plane.
LAS VEGAS! YES! I love this place it's almost my most favorite place in the world! (Too bad it isn't in TEXAS.) I
went to the FABULOUS Monte Carlo Hotel and Casino to meet the people I was to room with. Then it hit me... I
HAVE NEVER MET OR SEEN THE PEOPLE I WAS ROOMING WITH!!! I knew the PLA types that I was
staying with (El_Jefe and Apok)but I had NO IDEA who the guy that had the room was or which room he was in. I
tried to get hold of El Jefe, but he had not heard from the guy with the room. Being the kinda guy I am I decided to
walk around the wonderful city of Las Vegas and spend money.
It must have been at least 97 in the shade that day and I sweated quite a bit. After about 4 hours of walking and
riding around I went back to the hotel and called El back. He gave me the room number and I went to meet my
roommates. It was late and everyone wanted to go to a strip bar. I wasn't of age so I stayed behind to shower. After
my shower to remove the heavy funk of my walk I got out and put on some new clothes only to find.... I HAD NO
CLEAN SOCKS!!!!!!! (For those of you that think like me: Yes, I had clean underwear.) (Again for those of you
that think like me: boxers and briefs)
Now normally this wouldn't be too bad for only 3 days, but I am special. I have an ability to sweat alot out of my
feet. Where the average human sweats about a pint a day out of their feet I have the magical ability to end drought
in the SAHARA! On top of that I like to wear zippered jack boots past my ankles. Needless to say the next day
was coming soon we were not yet ready for the Evil's of Cal's socks!
Day 2 rolled around and I met numberous wonderful people. Lots of wonderful people and one fuckin asshole. This
guy saw me talking to a girl he came with and threaten to "KICK (my) ASS!" and threw around a few unoriginal
insults. She told me to ignore him because he wasn't even her boyfriend. But I couldn't do that! OH NO! He
insulted me.. I looked at his name tag. BINGO! His room number on his badge. I memorized it and stored it for
later use.
After the end of day two I snuck off to the room to air out my feet away from all the others. I let my socks air out
for about 5 minutes. After awhile I got involved in a movie. Just then EVERYONE I knew at DEFCON cam to the
room. One of them described it as like walking into an invisible wall of FUNK! EYES WATERED. FACES
WINCED. I mean people fucking nearly puked... The rancid stench of my feet were just TOO MUCH! Every one
in the room opened doors, broke windows whatever we could do to rid the incredible stench of my socks! I mean 30
FRIGGIN MINIUTES went by and when people walked NEAR the hallway they still smelled it. Pretty damn bad.
After shoving them in them in a Ziploc(tm) bag a realized I didn't want to take these damn things home. I quickly
realized that the socks were not a damnation but a blessing in disguise. I took the bag with the funky socks and put
them on so I could wear them for about 2 hours more running round town... AWWWWW YEAH! STINK!
Anyway, I threw them in a bag and took them to Floor 23. Remember the asshole from Day 2? I took a DEEP
DEEP ( I MEAN FUCKING DEEP) breath and opened up the air conditioner vent on the hallway of my mark and
put my socks in there. I ran back to the elevators and exhaled.. WHOA! As I inhaled again I caught a sniff that
threw me back and the vent was more than 40 foot away!!! They stunk WHOLE FUCKING FLOOR UP! I stood
around for awhile toughing it out too see peoples reactions. I mean EYES FUCKING WATERED! IT WAS
GREAT! People got out of the elevators and nearly passed out! I LOVED IT! And that fucker had to sleep on that
floor! It still stank 2 hours later when I checked it on my way out!!!
The lessons to be learned:
1. If you are going to take a trip plan it out. Give
yourself enough time to get organized so you don't
forget shit.
2. Although Zippered Boots are cool looking, they may
not be the best item for walking in the desert!
3. Deodorant is not a substitue for dirty socks. Niether
is cologne, Lysol, dangly car air freshners, Renuzit,
hotel soaps, shaving cream, or Monte Carlo Red Lager
(don't ask).
4. Ziploc(tm) bags are DAMN handy items.
5. Always pay attention to people that are pissing you off.
If you watch them closely you'll pick up valuable info.
6. Don't piss off Cal! He will get you back in the MOST
disgusting way possible.
I hope you can use this information to help you enjoy your trip to DefCon or anywhere for that matter. Oh yeah, by
the way check out the new PLA bbs at http://cal.dbstech.com or telnet to cal.dbstech.com. Remember properly
cared for socks can be your friend, but if you cross the socks they will come for you! So long PLA magazine!