This Play Is Boring

This play was first performed as part of an evening called THE SHORT PLAY BRIGADE (Volume One: Anger, Innocence and the Price of Cheese), an evening of short plays by Seattle playwrights, which took place at the Bronze.

(Setting: Some place really boring. Brown carpeting, stupid stuff on the walls, lame furniture, flat soda in the fridge, and a general musty smell about the place.

MARK HAMILL enters.)

MARK HAMILL: Good evening. My name is Mark Hamill. You may have seen my work in such feature length motion pictures as Star Wars and Corvette Summer. Now I'm here to introduce you to the world's most boring woman.

MARK HAMILL: You may not realize it now, but this woman is so boring that I can't believe I'm standing here telling you about her.

WOMAN: Ah, shut up already.

MARK HAMILL: It's true! The woman who has just entered this thoroughly boring apartment somewhere in Drab City, Middle America, is actually the most boring person on the planet Earth at this exact moment. Yes, friends, nowhere on Earth will you find an individual so utterly lacking in content of any worth, interest, or value.

WOMAN: Get out of my fucking house, Mark Hamill.

MARK HAMILL: We'll now attempt to have a conversation with the world's most boring woman. (to WOMAN) Excuse me, world's most boring woman, I'm Mark Hamill. I was wondering if you'd care to share with us exactly how you got to be such a boring individual.

WOMAN: Oh. (pause) I dunno.

MARK HAMILL: Where are you from, world's most boring woman?

WOMAN: Uh... I can't remember. Look, what's on the tube?

MARK HAMILL: One more question. How has your life changed since finding
out that you were the world's most boring woman?

WOMAN: What the fuck-- Look, who let you in here, Mark Hamill?

MARK HAMILL: (to the audience) There, you see, ladies and gentlemen? The world's most boring woman.

A knock at the door.)

MARK HAMILL: Expecting guests, world's most boring lady?

WOMAN: Oh shit. Company? I haven't dusted!

(She answers the door. FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER enters.)

FORMER PRESIDENT JIMMY CARTER: Hi, I'm Former President Jimmy Carter.
Can I come in?