How to Build Trust in Marriage

Without trust in your marriage, you are headed for an abusive relationship (or may be in one already).

Trust is probably the most important ingredient in building an intimate relationship between husband and wife. Trust is something that can be cultivated and nurtured if you will follow the guidelines below.

I can sum up the essence of building trust in one idea: Create a safe emotional space for your spouse. If you are not actively working to build a safe emotional space, than you are probably building an unsafe one.

If you're not working to build a safe emotional space, then you're probably building an unsafe one.

A colleague of mine who is known for his wisdom as an educator in Los Angeles defines an abusive relationship in the following way. He suggests that an abusive relationship is one in which one person is afraid to express his or her feelings and opinions.

Needless to say, an abusive relationship is one where there is no trust. The key to avoiding abuse and promoting trust is to consciously strive everyday to build a safe emotional space. And let me say at the outset that, if you feel you are in an abusive relationship based on the definition I just gave, seek help immediately. Never tolerate abuse!

Guidelines for Creating Safe Emotional Space

Constantly work to improve your communication skills.

Develop the skill of being a good listener, which is one of the hardest skills to develop.

Being a good listener means you don't interrupt your spouse. This requires great discipline and respect. Learn to ask, "Are you finished?" Always make sure you've fully understood what the other person has said.

A simple tool to use for this is the well known "mirroring technique." You reflect back what the other person has said. It may sound a bit contrived but, believe me, it really works. What you have to learn to do is say something like, "Let me make sure that I've understood what you just said. It sounded to me that you want me to..."

If you are an "advanced" listener, try not only to reflect back the content, but the emotional tone as well. For example, "It seems you are really annoyed with me and you want me to be more careful the next time I..."

A crucial component of good communication is the consistent use "I-statements" as opposed to "you-statements." I statements unite, while you-statements alienate and create distance. An I-statement begins with "I feel ... " A you-statement begins with "You make me feel..."

A you-statement is almost always experienced as an attack. When I own my feelings and opinions by using an I-statement, I am communicating that I am taking responsibility for the issue and not blaming my spouse.

Take responsibility to express your needs and express them clearly and assertively.

When a person feels he or she cannot express their needs to the other person, then this leads to a break down in trust.

We often don't express our needs for two reasons. Either we are afraid of rejection or we are afraid of feeling ashamed for having such needs.

When a couple can express and meet each other's needs consistently this is one of the most powerful ways to build trust in a relationship.

Be positive and give pleasure.

We naturally trust people who treat us nicely and who seem to like us. It's very hard to distrust someone who seems to constantly be going out of his way to please you!

A key tool to use here is the "5 to 1 rule." This means that before you say anything negative to your spouse, you must have expressed at least five positive things. Only then, are you allowed to say something negative or critical.

Don't allow issues to go unresolved.

This requires that a husband and wife develop good problem solving skills. I can't tell you how many couples I've worked with whose problems are rooted in a lack of problem solving skills.

When issues don't get resolved, then resentments develop and fester. And when resentments develop then trust is lost.

Learn to fight fair.

Just in case you didn't know, fighting is a part of any good marriage! I mention this because there are some people who live with the naïve notion that in "good marriages" couples never fight. The problem is not that couples fight, but how they fight.

If you fight unfairly, then you destroy trust. If you fight fairly, you build trust. Here are a few important pointers to make sure that when you fight, you fight fair:

Never resort to name calling or putdowns.

Keep to the issue at hand. Never bring up old stuff that may be unresolved. The present fight is not a license to dump all your old garbage.

Never use phrases that are absolutes such as, "you never" or "you always."

Never bring the other person's family into the issue to support your case or to attack your spouse's.

Agree beforehand on a method how to take a time out if one of you feels that the fight is getting out of hand.

Don't start a fight later in the night, when you're both tired and therefore more likely to have less control over your emotions.

And again, do your best to use "I-statements" rather than "you-statements," which feel like attacks.

Trust is one thing that takes a long time to build and a very short time to destroy. Be careful how you treat each other. Many people wrongly believe that in a good marriage, you can "relax" and not have to monitor everything you say and do. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

In a good marriage, you must always be monitoring your behavior. This is the key to building a strong relationship and trust.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rabbi Dov Heller is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University. He also holds a B.A. in philosophy and was ordained a rabbi in Jerusalem in 1982. He is director of the Aish HaTorah Counseling Center in Los Angeles, founder of the Relationship Institute, and runs a private practice specializing in adult psychotherapy, marriage counseling and personal guidance. In addition, he provides an international coaching and counseling service via telephone helping people solve their relationship challenges. Visit his website at www.claritytalk.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 168

(125)
Judah,
February 6, 2017 6:31 AM

Divine knowledge from above.

It is a awesome message.Thanks so much, looking forward for more inspiration words of wisdom. Shalom

(124)
Aisha,
January 7, 2017 3:50 PM

This write up was very useful

(123)
Bella Wick,
May 18, 2016 2:22 AM

GREAT ARTICLE FOR BUILDING TRUST IN MARRIAGE

GREAT COMMUNICATION TOOLS!

(122)
Ian,
April 6, 2016 5:05 AM

Trust.

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman for a full year. Things moved very quickly from day one and whilst I would never admit to that being wrong, it has created some issues.My girlfriend is a mother of four and a survivor of her husband who committed suiside six years ago. She has some major trust issues and I find myself blowing up because I am being totally transparent with no secrets yet this is not enough. She is overwhelmed most of the time and either lashes out at me or the kids. No matter what I say or do I am always wrong. How can I reverse this?

(121)
dan,
March 2, 2016 7:45 PM

trust and how to rebuild it

I've never written on one of these things but here goes.. So my wife and i have been married for almost two years and together for three of them. I have recently found that i have massive anxiety issues which are causing me to not be able to listen when my wife tells me various things.... my severe lack of listening has been causing problems in the bed room... and needless to say my wife doesnt trust me because alot of the time i keep letting her down. Im really trying hard i am going to counseling im trying to do everything in my power to save this marriage but my wife keeps saying is shes past the point of wanting to try because of how many times i have messed things up. I want to keep trying to fix things but she keeps saying she doesnt trust me. All i keep thinking is how can i show you i can be trusted if you dont let your walls down and give me a chance...It breaks my heart because i know i have issues like adhd and anxiety but im really trying to make myself better.... i just dont want to lose her but she said basically i have already..... dont know what to do!!!!!...........

(120)
Josene,
June 14, 2015 6:51 AM

A Fine Line Called TRUST Has Been Broken, What Now?

We have a 27-year marriage. My wife is finishing Law School. It happens her campus is located in another town and lately she has to trip alone with a classmate at 02:30AM once a week. I agreed even because this time changing is a requirement of the University, therefore she is forced to comply. But small towns, gossips have taken place. I called her to let her know what is going on and she told me not to worry and asked me to trust her and forget what other people say. But my guts...

(119)
ricosuave,
April 23, 2015 6:45 AM

It was helpful

(118)
Anonymous,
July 15, 2014 10:47 PM

how can I earn my husbands trust when I lied to him about money

We started counseling but are going separately. He is iiving outside the home at what point do I take him back

(117)
Anonymous,
July 10, 2014 4:56 AM

baggage

I have been married to my husband for nearly 7 years and have come to realize he has not trusted me yet. When we were married I had no idea how badly his parents had treated him and how much baggage he was bringing into the relationship. After he lied to me yet again tonight he told me that he trusts me "up to a point." Our marriage is being ruined by his emotionally abusive parents even though we no longer even have contact with them because of the fear of human contact they instilled in him. I am sharing this because the article makes it sound as if it is always your fault if your spouse doesn't feel safe confiding in you. Sometimes you can do everything in the book and it will never be enough if the wounds run deep enough. That doesn't mean you can't keep trying though...it is just so hard. If you choose to keep trying it will mean getting your heart ripped out and trampled every time you were starting to feel safe again. But maybe it gets better someday? I don't know yet.

Anonymous,
August 6, 2014 2:30 AM

Not Alone

I am in this same place and all I can do is give this marriage to God. I can't handle it alone feels like I'm fighting a battle that I know I can't win alone.

(116)
Anonymous,
September 17, 2013 2:29 AM

I'm always reading and learning and enjoying these emails.I'm learning so much. I appreciate these wise words. I'm more positive than ever.I'm open to change and know it will take me a life time to become the person Hashem wants me to be.So what's missing??? A spouse who is learning and reading and changing and being more positive. It takes 2 to make it better. We'll see what happens. I'm doing my part.

(115)
Anonymous,
September 11, 2013 6:31 PM

trust once lost can i ever get it back

I lied to my wife we got into a fight and said bad things about her to someone else and now it seems i can never undo my childish mistakes

Aimee,
May 4, 2014 10:39 PM

My husband has done just the same thing. I gave tried to forget and try to wipe the slate clean and trust him so many more times. My mistake was not having the courage to stand up for myself and tell him the trust I was trying to preserve between us was being destroyed by his loose lips. It made me feel very unimportant. Anytime I tell him these things now, he just closes up and acts like I have no grounds to demand simple right like this in our marriage. It hurts so bad.

Anonymous,
May 23, 2014 12:42 PM

It takes two to turn the crank.

working on oneself is gr8 but both parties have to want the same thing. if not life is too short.

LONDON,
June 8, 2014 5:19 AM

that really hurts

My husband did the same to me. I never felt so hurt. Now I'm on antidepressants. The one person I trusted . and the worst thing it was to another women. I cannot get over it.

(114)
Carmem,
August 7, 2013 7:21 PM

I need some advice what to do about my marriage. We recently got married a couple months after his divorce which now makes us married 1 year. This makes his 3rd marriage and my 1st marriage, we have 1 child together and I have 2 from a previous relationship. My previous kids father and I had built a close friendship for the kids nothing else. My husband is very jealous he want me to have hatred towards him he doesn't want me to talk to him about th kidsneeds. He constantly accusing me of cheating with him or wanting to bewith him. Now mind you we live 4 hours away from each other. every time my husband get mad he bring his name up and say I can be with him. I'm getting fed up with his accusations I don't do anything but work and take care of the family I have no friends or family were I am so its just him, kids and I here. I'm trying to do my best to keep this marriage together but enough is enough I'm tired of hurting and crying for things I'm not doing. I try to hide my pain from my kids cause I don't want them to see my pain cause they are relaying on me. No person wants to be accused when its not correct. I don't know if its trust issues came from previous marriages or is it just him. I advised counseling he don't want to go say hes not paying no money for someone to tell him what to do. He swear he knows everything can't tell him nothing he is 12 years older than but like I always tell age isn't nothing but a number its always room to learn what I don't know you may know and what you don't know I may but don't assume your age you wiser than me. I pray he changes or this might be a divorce I got married because I loved him and he doing all the right thing as I want as a husband the minute I said I do it was like I sign a contract to control me. I'm a strong woman and if getting divorce is what I have to do then I will I don't care others have to say I have to what's right for myself and kids.

Anonymous,
September 17, 2013 9:13 PM

Always follow your heart, Carmen

Dear Carmen,
You are a very loving person. Your current husband isn't even close to feeling love. Love means trust. He doesn't trust life and he doesn't trust you. You must trust your own heart, which is telling you that you are unloved and unwanted, even unknown by this man. Please do what's right for your children and yourself. Divorce this man immediately, and Live with Dignity and Peace. Be with people who make you feel warm, trusted, liked and loved. And don't carry on with married men, even if they say they want a divorce. Live with dignity and peace. Love yourself and your children.
I wish you shalom.

david,
April 20, 2014 8:20 PM

what in earth???

who ever has answered this poor lady.. giving her advice. well you need serious help. How on earth can you encourage divorce? are you a bitter person. Obviously they need counselling. . plus any genuine answer would be to doven hard to HASHEM.

(113)
Amanda Bond,
June 6, 2013 11:00 PM

Trust, Put Downs, Jealously

My husband and I have been married for over 2 yrs. We got married just a yr after his divorce was final. I have never been married. I love him to death, but we have some issues that need to work out and he refuses to go to a marriage counselor to work out this issues. We just had a baby in Nov of '12 and I have a 5 yr old from previous relationship, so there are children involved and its really important to me to work this out instead of dragging my kids thru a divorce. I just went thru his facebook cause i do not trust him, and i do not have any reason not too. He has never cheated, but I noticed that on his fb it is all women. I looked at his messages and it was all innocent, but i feel outraged. This is not normal behavior. I feel a great deal of anger towards him for the way he talks to me. During fights he will tell me to shut the 'f' up, go play in traffic and die, that i am stupid and he threatens divorce every other fight. Its so draining and emotionally hard that I have thought about walking away but I am determined. He has also told me that he has gone thru my phone when i am asleep, even tho there is nothing on there! I am at a lost as what to do cause he is so hard headed and stubborn that nothing i say or do is right. He doesnt want me working cause he wants me to stay home and clean, which i do. he doesnt help. I do it all...Can he change?????

Mara,
June 19, 2013 4:49 AM

get out!

These are signs of a very unhealthy relationship that can only progress to worse. Get out while the kids are young and you can focus on them!

(112)
Anonymous,
May 31, 2013 3:03 PM

what to do

I need a help after reading this article, my husband is very rude to me even in public and never want to listen to my opinions. he always tells me that I can't give any point, and is sometimes think it's because i used to lie to him about small details like puting earings, neckless, he doesn't likes them, but before we got married he didn't showed me any rejection, all those came after mariage, he also keeps chating with peoples on chat very late tonight and never shows me his msgs or allow me to touch his phones, I just think he doesn't loves me anymore and that's makes me fail to communicate with him, i am soo desperate and i need ur advices..what to do

(111)
Karin,
March 13, 2013 2:11 PM

I have problems in my mariage

I need a help after reading this article, my husband is very rude to me even in public and never want to listen to my opinions. he always tells me that I can't give any point, and is sometimes think it's because i used to lie to him about small details like puting earings, neckless, he doesn't likes them, but before we got married he didn't showed me any rejection, all those came after mariage, he also keeps chating with peoples on chat very late tonight and never shows me his msgs or allow me to touch his phones, I just think he doesn't loves me anymore and that's makes me fail to communicate with him, i am soo desperate and i need ur advices o save my relationship.

(110)
Justin,
January 1, 2013 12:16 AM

Ugh and Trust

I've been in a relationship for just under one year. She actually asked to marry me and I said I have one condition , we talk to a pre marital counsler to get counselled. I thought it would arm me and her with the proper tools. Well quick synopsis, shes been married 3 times, and me once. My divorce was Super rough and I wish it wasn't but I so do not trust. I am sure I have some other things from my past too about women, but I'm not a jealous type or mean or anything at all, but I just don't trust females.
I've met someone online that usually doesn't fit in my category of women just because I was think, heck if I've done it wrong lets change things to do it correctly this time. I've introduced her to my friends, family ,and she has pretty much done the same. Than 11 months into the relationship she asked to marry me. Sorta was surprised. I am scared, I do not want to be hurt again, and I am so tired of the dating scene it is a joke! I want the end game and rocking chairs but how I get their IM so confused......D... I want to trust.

Anonymous,
February 15, 2013 8:42 PM

Don't do it

Experts say it can take up to 8 years to fully recover emotionaly, spiritually and financially from a divorce. Clearly you aren't ready to trust at the level of marriage. There is nothing wrong with a long engagement. Just explain yourself to her, your past hurts, express you know you want to spend the rest of your life with her, but prefer to take it a bit slow. If she loves you....she'll understand. If she doesn't, save yourself both time and effort. However, after 3 years, you should really know if you're ready to commit to marriage.

(109)
Anonymous,
December 2, 2012 9:34 AM

Do Much Research

Ladies, I am not a psychologist or a doctor, but I am in a relationship with a self admitted sociopath and borderline narcissist. I have done much research on these two personality types in an attempt to understand my fiance. In a nutshell he is a wonderful man. W have been together for going on ten years and have definitely has our UPS and downs. My fiance however has also been diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder. With these various personality behaviors he has, by no choice of his own, our relationship is a constant effort to stay afloat. To my knowledge my fiance has never been unfaithful, but recently, through work, has grown closer to a young employee. We have had several issues over "misunderstandings" as he calls them with this person. Needless to say, this employee is no longer with us, however only after I has several meltdowns in front of them both. I do not believe looking back there was any infidelity , but there is a huge trust issue in our relationship, now more so than ever. People with these types of personalities crave constant attention, praise, and excitement. When their family isn't providing that, they become withdrawn and hard to deal with. With all this, please keep in mind that if your partner truly has one of these disorders, it is no fault of his own, he was made that way. But for your own sake and knowledge, please please.do research on bipolar disorder, sociopathic symptoms, and narcissism. With this new knowledge, you can determine, in your own heart and mind, if your partner has one of these disorders, which likely requires professional help. But please be cautious and kind when approaching him with the idea of getting help and bring support with you from your research. Counseling and medication may be your saving grace in these situations. Please remember to be understanding, a good listener, patient, loving, and most important very supportive during this time. And please enjoyment for yourself, personal time with friends. God Bless

Anonymous,
February 15, 2013 8:39 PM

Great Advice!

Your insight is very honest, heartfelt and dead on. One thing a partner should remember in addition to being understanding and lovins, is it's a choice to be with someone. Sometimes ones burdens are too much. If someones medical conditions are too be in a healthy relationship, please move on. Every person deserves to be happy. There are people such as this special lady who has the disposition, emotional stability and strength to handle such a relationship. Don't feel obligated, do what is healty for you both.

(108)
judy,
November 6, 2012 8:12 PM

I have been married for forty years. the trust issue started at the beginning. He practices one upmanship in most everything.and acts more like a mentor, teacher, or parent than he does a husband. Then he'll flip to being needy. He thinks he does no harm and sets himself above, even though he has the opposite affect. I still don't trust him. I want to but he acts oblivious or claims to be inept of what to say or do. My discovering that he manipulates is the biggest trust issue for me.

(107)
Anonymous,
October 24, 2012 2:03 PM

marital distrust

I would like to understand as well, how you learn to retrust you husband when it has been broken by lies, deceit and an emotional affair. I have been married for 14 years in a week and half. We are a great family and wonderful parents, but something seem broken with us. I try to explain how i feel about his relationship with the woman and I keep getting its just a working relationship. She just doesn't go away, they always end up on projects together. He tells me it is me he loves and my lack of rust in him is driving us apart. I have tried so many different ways to explain to him why this drives me insane and i get accused of being crazy.

Laure,
January 21, 2013 7:59 AM

Lack of trust

What you described is my situation. My friend sometimes texted me and I am trying to be polite. Now my wife read some of the texts but my explanations are never satisfactories to her and of course she doesn't trust me. I really love her, I am not perfect, but neither I am bad at all. Not sure what to do here.

Tony,
January 31, 2013 2:20 AM

Lack of trust

Laurie, if your friend is sending flirtatious text or something that is disrespectful to your marriage you need to tell your friend stop texting you, and if that doesn't work change your phone number.

Hd,
February 15, 2013 8:34 PM

Do the Right Thing

When you married your wife, there was a deep committment. Her feelings are more important than a friend. The next time your friend texts you, make sure in your replies that you continually mention your wife. For example: "Michelle and I went to the movies". "My wife and I on our way out to eat". You can always have female friends, but the problem comes when a spouse is inadvertently put on the back burner, or communication acts as if a spouse doesn't exist. If it's truly a "friendship", then they know you have a wife, what's going on in "your life".

Anonymous,
January 25, 2013 7:18 AM

Be cautious when they call u crazy. Believing in ur mate is essential and possible after not believing in him. I just turned over a new leaf w mine after 2.5-3 years.. I was finally able to believe again. My mind wants to doubt every now & then but I quickly grab it & say, it's ok, everything is fine, if he is in the wrong then god will deal w him & until I know, I can't live my life pondering on the negative. It's really amazing that we have come this far.

Anonymous,
February 12, 2013 9:33 AM

I have experienced a similar situation with my husband. We took an expatriate position overseas and ever since, he spends more time at work with his colleagues than with us, his family at home. When I noticed he was forming a close relationship with a female coworker, I brought it to his attention and his reaction. Was much like your husbands; it's just a work friend and I was crazy. Nonetheless, we came up with a solution together, that from that day forward any coffee or lunch meetings would involve me, even text messages from her inviting him out for a drink would be forwarded to me with her knowledge, so that eventually, when she called on him as a friend, she would come to think of us an inseparable unit. If she wanted to remain friends with my husband, she would have to also be my friend. Whether or not your husband thinks your feelings are unreasonable, he should be considerate of how it effects you. When you talk to him about this again, try to be subjective and remain calm. From my own experience, he will be more open to your suggestions. It seems when women become overly emotional, men can easily shut down. Being overly emotional can make him feel guilty, which can cause him to act defensively as if he had been attacked. I know how painful this can be, especially if your husband maintains that he has done nothing wrong, but he should understand that continuing a friendship with another woman if it makes you uncomfortable or even hurt is wrong enough.

(106)
Ocean,
October 7, 2012 8:33 AM

I don't know why I don't trust him

I have been married for 10 years and together for 18 years. I am so unhappy now. I don't know why I don't trust him anymore. I caught him told a few of so called White lies. Then my head would go on imagining all other stuffs. He is s great husband and father to our two boys. But I can't help myself, I am driving myself crazy and drive him crazy. I doubt his every move. Where can I get help? How do I build my trust?

Anonymous,
October 11, 2012 7:22 AM

Your not alone

Have you gotten any help yet or answers? I ask because you sound just like me. Except I've only been married 3 years and known my husband for 13. I don't think there's infidelity going on but everything out of his mouth is a lie. It's causing me to loose my mind!

Anonymous,
November 16, 2012 10:45 AM

Me too

Have either of u figured this out yet? I'm in same boat, husband lied a few times and i caught him out, he always denies until I have evidence then the truth comes out in bits and pieces... Whenever I explain the effect of his lies, ie causing me to distrust him he tells me it's my own fault, that I make him have to lie cos he knows how il react if he tells me the truth?? Wtf? He has never cheated (to my knowledge) but he doesn't have to, the lies he has told have caused me to lose all trust in him and I feel I have lost respect for him too, I love him and he works hard for us and our kids but its like he lives in a different reality... I doubt everything he tells me, I think he is a fake person, jackal and Hyde, even when he talks to others his stories always differ, or he tells me what he is telling me is a secret and I'm not to tell anyone but then goes round telling people lol and when I pulled him up on that he actually said 'well you would have started telling people so I thought I may aswell..' Wtf! If there is one thing I can do Is keep people's secrets... In any case the truth is some thing very important to me, I hate being lied to and always tell the truth ven if it hurts ... I want to save my marriage but I, getting tired of always being o. Edge, always wondering what he is really up to or really thinking..

(105)
Mrs. Thompson,
July 30, 2012 1:52 AM

marriage struggles

I have been married for 4 yrs. And together going on 11 year. We have gone through alot in our relationship together but things seem to be getting worst. I feel like he's tired of being with me. He no longer shows me any affection I feel more like a servant than his wife. I've tried talking to him but it usually ends with me in tears and with him angry and upset, which makes him shut down even more. I know a relationship with not survive with only one person making an effort. I know I'm a good mother and wife I just wish I could fix my marriage. Never thought I would say this I never thought I would be in a loveless marriage. I just don't know what to do.

Erin,
September 17, 2012 7:46 PM

Same Situation

I am in the same situation right now. He has told me that he feels like we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about. I just don't know what he wants. I try to suggest things to do together, but that normally doesn't work. Any affection is limited and infrequent. I, too, have tried to talk to him about these issues, but it ends up the same as you have described. I just try so hard to be supportive and be a good wife to him, but I feel like it goes unnoticed and unappreciated. And, like you said, I feel more like a maid or a servant than a wife. Leaving is not even a thought I like to entertain, but it has crossed my mind. That just leads into one of my biggest fears: will he actually miss me if I go?

Alicia,
October 1, 2012 2:34 AM

Quit worrying about your husband for one second you have children you need to believe in yourself and start treating you right before you can think about anyone else it is inside you.

(104)
Anonymous,
July 23, 2012 6:35 AM

frustrated with myself

I am so in love. Have a great Man that takes good care of me, pays attention to me, but I constantly am looking to catch him being shady or for a lie. I know that this is based on an old relationship where I was completely manipulated, and decieved on a regular basis. A fact that I was not aware of until it was over, and that was also very shocking. I don't know how to repair the change my expectancy of that happening to me again. I know I must fix the misplaced suspion soon, or I will lose my husband. He has been very patient and understanding. But I can tell that it is wearing thin and getting harder for him. Seems to only get worse for me with time, and the more that I love him, the scarred I get that it will happen. Help.

Katarina,
August 1, 2012 9:32 PM

I have major trust issues

I am the same exact way! I married my first boyfreind...24 years later. He cheated on me with my friend back when I was with him. Twently four years later, he is a different man. But I still am waiting to catch him in a lie of cheat on me. Its eating me alive that I cant seem to put my negative and suspicious thoughts aside. We fight about it all the time.

Anonymous,
September 23, 2012 8:24 PM

i think you need to forgive the one that manipulated you and deceived you. Release your anger to God. Ask God to help you with this man who've manipulated you. And thank God for this new husband who is good to you. Thank God for your new marriage with wonderful husband.

(103)
Anonymous,
July 5, 2012 2:34 AM

My husband doesnt realize how much I love him I feel so happy when he doesnt have any trust issues i dont know what to do Im loyal to him and would never disrespect him in any way shape or form dont know how to get him to trust me we are just having a baby this should be the best time of our lives I need to get him to trust me what can I do

Anonymous,
July 11, 2012 3:20 PM

You need to go to couple cons.. He's had bad experiences in his past that have to be corrected I'm going through that same situation and my fiancé is also preggo but she hasn't given me reason to distrust her. We are starting couple therapy thursday hopefully it works.

(102)
Bart,
June 12, 2012 7:43 PM

Building trust

Do it

(101)
Sheena,
April 30, 2012 9:29 PM

Never trusted

Im ashamed to say i've broken alot of these rules..I don't ever say or do anything unfaithful or unloyal yet my husband seems to always look for something. He goes thru my phone and messages even after i've told him exactly what was said in my conversations. I give him my phone at night and he has my pass words for everything so he can look anytime but he says he gets "strange feelings". I become hurt and angry over his distrust but i don't know what more i can do to show him i'm loyal.

moses james,
May 26, 2012 8:47 PM

Did you ever think he might be the one doing these thing and making you feel is you.

(100)
Travis,
April 29, 2012 6:20 AM

I am having a lot of trust issues in my marriage. I get these thoughts telling me that something is going on but I try to trust her and ignore the thoughts. I then explain my trust issues to her and she raises her voice towards me, and name calls at me which then makes my doubts in my head sink in more. She tells me "never ever" but with the attitude so it doesn't make me believe it at all. What do I do I don't want to pick fights but my head says something is going on and I don't know what the truth is anymore.. She does not communicate in the right way she yells and snaps back.. I need help Plz..

Sheena,
April 30, 2012 9:33 PM

Travis..

It hurts when your spouse doesn't trust you for no reason..hurt leads to anger and raised voices..

(99)
Greg,
March 21, 2012 5:09 PM

My marriage is on the verge of ending and struggling to keep alive what we have. Alot of it is a trust issue. And I love her very much. Do u have any suggestions.

John,
April 23, 2012 11:29 PM

Honesty

Confront her with your honest feelings, but without any anger. Explain why trust is an issue, and that you are trying to repair damage. Unfortunately, sometimes the other person doesn't want the same thing. At some point it is simply better to move on and try to find happiness in another direction.

Robert,
June 28, 2012 5:14 PM

I am going thru something similar. My prior distrustful actions have ruined us bc we never worked to build that trust back. Now at a time where I need her to trust me most she doesn't bc of my history. I hate to lose her but it seems inevitable.

(98)
Brin,
March 8, 2012 12:58 AM

Informative

I enjoyed reading these comments and can see how i lost trust in my wife not through an affair but ctaking ber for granted

(97)
CC,
February 21, 2012 10:38 PM

It DEFINITELY is NOT Easy!

You are sooo right Brittany!
Doing ALL those things helps to break down the wall, piece-by-piece. At this point, without getting that kind of commitment to the process, I am reluctant to move on. How do I know if the same thing---infidelity--won't happen again?

eamonn,
February 29, 2012 11:38 PM

emotional attactment means NO infidelity

When there is emotional attactment to a partner there is NO reason to fear infidelity. If both people work on building emotional connections you do not has to worry about a third person.

ML,
March 10, 2012 4:17 AM

You don't. That is where the trust comes in. You take a chance. You trust that things will get better. Give it a fair chance. Don't hold back because you have been hurt before. Often, we Chase people away just because we are too scared to move forward. People make mistakes. We all do. Forgive and forget. Then, if it all fails, learn, dry your tears, Pick yourself up, and move forward. You will find that you save yourself a lot of heartache in the end by knowing you gave it all you had before u walk away. Then you have no regrets.:)

(96)
Sunil Ydav,
February 10, 2012 4:04 PM

Pancea of married life

after reading the article i realized that there is always solution to a problem.

(95)
zoo,
January 29, 2012 2:47 PM

i love my boyfriend but recently i feeled like the is a space between us,which i told him but he gets angry and said he is confused cause he never feleled it.how to tell him well that he can understand.

(94)
Anonymous,
December 30, 2011 6:27 PM

Always unTrust

I am always true and doign teh right thing but my wife always says words to me that i dont care for family. I have spent whole of my life in earning and spending on them. What ever i earn i give them and spend for them. Even than when i hear that i havent dont anything i become very upset and sad. Only possible thing which i see is divorce. I love her too much and cannot image to live without her but i dont know what to do to bring happiness to my life. I am just kind of dead person now and dont know when my wife will start fightting again. Life was never such terrible and sad before

(93)
Seagull,
December 24, 2011 9:57 PM

coming to grips with yourself...

same here...broke my wife's heart 2x. not with cheating or being financially irresponsible, but with illegal behavior and deceit (hiding it from her because I knew it was wrong). This last time was the humdinger, I am now facing the possibility of criminal charges. the house has a black veil over it, and when she thinks about what I've done it brings her to tears. I don't know if we are going to make it this time, but despite whatever happens between her and I, I need to get myself the help I need to change my behavior so I can lead a productive life with or without her. The thing I keep hearing is people not wanting to live without their loved one, but you've got to hold yourself accountable for the pain you've caused, and understand that you have no right to ask that person to stand by you again, and again and again...while you hurt them over and over again due to your behaviors. That's abuse. plain and simple. I plan on getting some counseling so I can work on ME. That's only way to break the cycle. Its not enough to be sorry, you have to FIX the problem (YOU), and if your life together was worth anything your loved one will pay the price (in hope)to take the chance with you again...but its not your decision. WORRY ABOUT HOLDING ON TO YOURSELF, NOT SOMEONE ELSE.

(92)
sharon,
December 14, 2011 3:52 PM

What now?

Well I've done all those things...I've told him where I'm going, I've been 100% honest, 100% of the time. and yet he still doubts my every word, and on the do not do when fighting list, he does them all. What next?

(91)
Brittany,
December 8, 2011 8:20 PM

It's Not Easy

I have absolutely NO trust left for my husband and resent him for it everyday. The things I used to love before (surprise kisses, his teasing, even his sex drive) irritate me now. At a certain point, after being hurt and let down so many times, the love starts to die. I'm not saying I don't love him.. because I do and it scares me to live without him, but I do not love him like I used to. If he were to put effort into fixing us and building my trust back up again... or show me that he actually cares about me and my feelings, I feel it could be salvagable. I'm just telling you this as a woman who has had trust broken. It goes far deeper than just saying you screwed up once. Ask her what she needs from you, call her or text her multiple times a day to tell her you love her and you're thinking of only her. Do not text other women... no matter what... at least until she starts trusting you again and then don't delete any of the messages. Do not put a lock on your phone. Always come home when you say you will and tell her where you are going, don't leave room for suspicions. Run plans by her before you make them, it'll show consideration for her thoughts and feelings. Show her some romance too, buy her some flowers once in awhile or take her out to dinner. She needs to feel that she has your full attention and dedication. If none of that works, then I fear nothing will. If my husband even did half of that it would definitely build my trust in him!

Anonymous,
May 26, 2012 9:05 PM

Sure right!

(90)
Anonymous,
October 5, 2011 2:08 AM

I want her to trust me

I have been trying so hard to get my fiance to trust me. I lost her trust about a year ago and it seems like it has been the same ever since. My fiance and I do every single thing Dov says not to do in a fight. I am really going to try to follow these things stated and see how it goes. I really do love her and want us to just be ok. She can make me the happiest person on the planet. I would do anything to gain back her trust and get our relationship back on track.

cori,
November 24, 2011 3:31 AM

understand that trust is a slow recovery one small brick or building block at a time and befor it is reestablished or earned you must never break a promise or not do something you said you would...always do what you say

slownlo,
December 24, 2011 10:00 PM

we assume that all things broken can be repaired...

not the case....

Anonymous,
December 30, 2011 6:28 PM

Exactl same problem with wife

Exactl same problem with wife!
I am not sure if we can resolve it.....

(89)
Rick,
September 26, 2011 7:51 AM

I'm losing the love of my life!

I wish i could take it all back every last thing Ive ever done to make her distrust me... but i cant! and now I think I may have lost her completely! she doesn't believe she will ever forget and that all the things Ive done. will always be in the back of her head. Will they? or would it be possible to get that trust back? being that I was totally and completely honest and willing to do anything in my power to get her trust back? I want to be with this woman and make her happy more than anything Ive ever wanted! can I make this work?
I cant take losing the love of my life!

Anonymous,
October 10, 2011 1:10 PM

Trust is the Essence of Relationship

Talk to her make her understand don't lose hope than if its God's will than definitely she will understand and you make sure next you dont do such things which will hurt her..

(88)
Anonymous,
September 17, 2011 2:26 AM

It only takes one to mess it up

Yes i have some issues, I know we are all in a state of growth, but where are the comments from women who have broken trust and are trying to work it out?

(87)
Anonymous,
September 16, 2011 10:26 PM

I feel guilty for not trusting him.

I am happy with my marriage. I love him with all my heart and would do anything for him. He makes me happy. I just have trust issues that I cant get over. How can I love him with all my might and still not trust him? It's this constant thought that runs through my mind. I just wonder if our marriage is the one that last a lifetime, or the one that ends because he cheated. How can I trust him?

Martin,
October 12, 2011 12:16 PM

If you really love him, you have got the grounding there to build up everthing else. I would suggest that you both try to do 'couple' things a lot more, where it's only you and him. Talk more. It sounds like he is whole heartedly in love with you also, and if he is, I would recommend that you accept that for what it is. I have a horrible problem with my wife who is a perfectionist. Basically, I have to try to be the 100% perfect partner. It's impossible. With your husband, the advantages/good things will far weigh out the no so good things. Don't destroy it. Good luck, x.

(86)
scott,
September 6, 2011 9:09 PM

Once you break someones trust its never easy to get it back. Ive done so many things to hurt my wife and I feel so guilty. She doesnt know half the things Ive done.

Anonymous,
September 28, 2011 9:39 AM

don't be guilty

oh please! now you feel guilty, after all is done and dusted!! listen what goes around comes around, your wife might have just done the same to you and you never know. just accept life and be happy.

Anonymous,
October 7, 2011 3:07 AM

Just coming from another wife, we are not stupid. She may not know but is safe to assume she has a good idea. Like I have always told my partner, I would rather know, than find out later some other way. If you believe in your relationship at all, please, tell her. Yes she may be so upset with you, but it takes a strong person to tell the truth. You don't want to go on feeling guilty. At least you could always say, you've been honest with her. Then she would always have to do the same. No matter what happened after you told her, telling her the truth is better than keeping it a secret... trust me, I know.

(85)
angela,
August 15, 2011 12:37 PM

this is amazing

There have been so many issues in our life , that trust is something I am working on.. and this is the best thing I've read, now how do I get him to read it?

(84)
SCOTT,
August 7, 2011 6:18 PM

I am so ashamed of myself. I have caused my wife whom I love more than anything in this world to lose "all" trust in me because I keep things from her and break my promises to never do it again. It's all childish stuff like getting a ticket and hiding it from her or getting extra money from my work and hiding it, there is nothing I wont do to save my marriage. How can I break thru to my wife and regain her trust? I will do whatever it takes. I only want to take the hurt and pain I have cuased her out of her heart, she desreves to be happy, I only hope that I can be the one that makes her happy. Thanks for any advice you can give me.

angela,
August 15, 2011 12:39 PM

awesome

It is refreshing to see someone admit and know what they have done. I have some issues with trust for all the white lies or withheld information. i dont like feeling like because he thinks it isnt important he doesnt talk and then it feels like lies. how did you get to read this and how do i get him to read it? our problem is communication and what he feels is right or fair

Anonymous,
August 20, 2011 5:56 PM

I am an Idiot

The same thing just came out in the open in this house to. I am so ashamed at the way I have handled our relationship. She means the world to me. I am guilty of lying to her in a bad way. she said that I might as well have slept with someone else. I didn't do that. But the fact that I lied to my wife is bad enough. I am afraid this may end it for us ..I have totally screwed this up and I will do anything to make it right.

Anonymous,
September 6, 2011 8:52 PM

make her happy

first of all ask her to forgive u,if u cant say that then also try to make her happy ,do everything to make her happy.give her maximum time.I can promise u after few months she will forget ur faults.always be true to her,never break her trust.

(83)
irma,
March 25, 2011 1:12 PM

my husband and i been married for 7 years now. and he always say he loves me more than anything in the world, but in also say he dont trust me 100%. i could not think of anything i did to lose his trust. i think he is doing/saying this to hurt me, so i walk away. can it be possible to love someone trully without trust?

robertcansino,
June 6, 2011 4:48 AM

Love and Trust are 2 diffrent ingredients..

He can love you but doesnt trust you are a major problem in most marrages... Trust is what best friends have like sister or brother.... Its lke a dog that been beat ... Some thing might have happen to him befor he meet you... or he just has trust issues... Relax dont walk away that the worst thing you can do... when he says that reach out your hand and help him... tell him what going on... be his friend... listen show him you care... when you walk away its like telling him you dont care...Us guys just want to hear it and feel it and be reasured than you love us... try that next time instead of walking away...remember marrage is not easy...

(82)
Jin Shah,
October 23, 2010 1:26 PM

Rightly said

We do things unintentionally and unknowingly and then we suffer for lifetime!!

Anonymous,
April 25, 2011 8:02 AM

so true

(81)
ladyp,
September 16, 2010 11:13 PM

Trust is gone.

My husband have cheated, and got emotionally attached to other females. He still speaks to a married woman in which he is emotionally attached, they email eachother, text eachother, and call eachother. He wont admit his wrong doings, he find comfort in saying "ive done somethings im not proud of" but he wont apologize. He gets very upset when I force conversation about his "friends". Now that we have a baby born, he wants to make it work. I dont trust him, and I often find myself very unhappy. I have no idea whats making me stay in this marriage but it sickens me to my stomach. I often think about cheating to see if it will make me happy but I can't seem to do it. But I am very unhappy and dont trust him at all. I smile but behind that smile is the most hateful look, and taste that can be covered with that fake smile.

Sarah,
June 16, 2011 4:15 AM

To error is human, forgive is divine

Just because ur husband has got emotionally attached to some females doesn't make him misfit to be a good husband. Now that he wants to make your marriage work, I think u should all also put in your effrots toward that. After all marraige is not successful with oen person putting all the efforts. However, let him know that you does not approve of his relationships with other females and that it is of highest priority to you. If he still cheats, you have reason for a second thought. Should that happen, it would be wise to move out of teh marriage rather than live with resentment towards each other

(80)
Rey,
July 2, 2010 1:06 AM

How can I regain the trust?

I want to regain the trust of my wife which I lost when she is still my girlfriend. After marriage I fully devoted all the time and goals with her but the problem is the other way arround, after we got married that is the time she keeps on nugging me, bringing up the old things that I have done.
I want to let her know that my loyalty and faithfullness is with her but she dont believe me anymore. Even I changed already for good and for our future family.
I dont know what to do anymore.

Anonymous,
April 5, 2011 3:47 AM

trust

time will tell but never give up on here, no matter how long it takes to gain that trust back you keep trying. love take time and hard work. god loves all his children. she will love u for this. keep showing her

(79)
PASTOR SAMUEL,
June 14, 2010 2:45 PM

A practical article

should be used in counsselling

(78)
Anonymous,
June 10, 2010 6:27 PM

how will i trust a person who cliams to love me but depend on me.

(77)
Ron,
May 12, 2010 4:31 PM

brevity

I've been looking for some practical implements for rebuilding trust in a relationship we have both damaged. Your words here are excellent.
And I'm not even Jewish.
Ron

(76)
Mrs.Ford,
January 10, 2010 9:19 PM

THIS HAS OPEN MY EYES TO WHAT NEEDS TO BE FIXED IN MY MARRIAGE

i'M THE WIFE THAT HER HUSBAND DON'T TRUST. i DON'T KNOW WHAT REALLY TO DO BUT READ ON SOME THINGS AND TRY TO BUILD THE TRUST THAT MY HUSBAND SHOULD HAVE FOR ME. THIS WAS VERY HOPEFULL TO US. THANK YOU!

(75)
bran,
December 30, 2009 5:47 PM

Great Article

Great and short article, very helpful.
I enjoyed it, and realized a mistakes ive been doing. I read some of the articles, and I am lucky to have a wife that I have now.

(74)
Anonymous,
November 23, 2009 8:07 PM

Trust

I caught my wife talking to another man, in another state. He was an old friend. She started to like him. ounce they caught there feelings and decided to be friends, i found out that there friendship was a secret. I forced it to end, now she is mad at me, and I want to trust her, but on the social networks i am afraid that this secret life or maybe others might be around. What do I do?

(73)
SusanE,
September 5, 2009 9:26 PM

It is Difficult to Involve an Insensitive Spouse.

.
" " He suggests that an abusive relationship is one in which one person is afraid to express his or her feelings and opinions." "

Rabbi, those are the truest words about abuse I've ever heard.
If you hold back your feelings and opinions because you are afraid of a reaction, you should be out of the relationship, or marriage, or a friendship.
Having to use the words " I feel " when you need to express yourself to a spouse, are certainly better than "You make me feel." The latter gives them control over your feelings. When the spouse is insensitive toward you he doesn't really care how you feel. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What if a wife said to her husband, " I think that you are the most wonderful father the children could have. Or, "It's wonderful the way you respect your parents." We should use the words, I feel, for finding positive comments too.
Happily ever after could be achieved if two people work together.

(72)
Anonymous,
June 10, 2009 3:31 PM

trust

What about when you have done nothing to ruin the trust and the person just won't trust you because they were cheated on in the past...How does that work. Why should I be accused and checked up on constantly and having to explain things when I try to do everything right. Treat them the way I'd want them to treat me...seems unfair. Ive never cheated, never done anything to make them not trust me..but yet I get this non trust because of their past...not fair

(71)
ann,
April 15, 2009 5:28 PM

THIS HAS REALLY HELPED ME

I MUST SAY YOUR ADVICE MAKES COMPLETE SENSE, MY HUSBAND TOLD A LIE TO ME ABOUT GIVING A LADY A RIDE HOME, WHICH LEAD ME TO THINK THE WORST AND EVERY SINCE THEN, I'VE LOST COMPLETE TRUST ,I QUESTIONED EVERY ACTION HE MAKES NOW

(70)
Stranger,
April 10, 2009 2:36 PM

Advice

One good book on communication is "mars and venus together forever"
My wife and I were going thru a divorce when we read this and it turned things around for us. This not the only factor, but reflecting upon your actions is very important.
Never under any circumstance make your spouse feel afraid of honest communication. This is very unhealthy for any relationship and creates a lot of long term damage.

(69)
June,
March 24, 2009 1:44 PM

My marriage trust

My husband says he won't put his fifth wheel in my name instead of his daughters because he doesn't trust me

(68)
mark,
November 9, 2008 5:47 AM

trusting is so difficult whenyou have been cheated on during previous marriage

my wife and I have been together for 16 years and our marriage is suffering tremendously because of my trust issues that were carried over from my previous marriage to a woman who was unfaithful. I DO NOT want to lose my beautiful and caring wife to my past insecurities. I am now going to a therapist to finally deal with these issues as I cannot live with the constant inner turmoil. We have two wonderful sons together and I know I am not setting a good example for them when they may someday be in a relationship. I hope and pray every day and night I can humble myself to accept that my trust issues are part of my insecurities, and not put any blame on my wife for me having these feelings. She has been very supportive of me all of these years, but I really feel her patience and support are growing thin. I know that God wants us all to be happy and feel secure. I am praying to Him constantly to change my heart and open my eyes to see what great people he has surrounded me with, and I really believe this is starting to work. I absolutely want my wife to feel our relationship is a nurturing one that she can be totally honest with me and feel safe and secure, as well as feeling she has all the space she needs to be independant. Every person deserves to be their own person and not lose themselves to anothers insecurities. With Gods love I know I will get to be a stronger and more trusting person, I just wish I would have put down my stupid pride and done the things I am starting to do now a long time ago. I have read many articles on this subject, but I find this one to be the most helpful. I will continue to read more on the subject of the importance of trust in a marriage while I also continue my therapy. I realize there is nothing if trust isnt the main ingredient in my marriage.

(67)
Robert Ndana Wa Mutie [lawyer] Kenya,
November 3, 2008 3:45 PM

Your Articles & advice is too crucial to African families

We need your books in africa

(66)
Anonymous,
October 17, 2008 4:39 AM

It takes two to really make it work

We are all quilty of acting and doing several bad things listed in this article and at times we know no better then to defend ourselves. I have been married for 21 years, we have five children and we have come upon a real stumbling block that I fear is to major to overcome. It is the growing lack of respect that is failing our marriage now and we have lost all hope that our relationship could ever be what it was. There have been too many trust factors abused and the name calling and vulger abuse has escalated to a point that we are both ready to quit and throw in the towel, the worst part is there are so many that will be hurt by the outcome. My wife wants nothing to do with me at all, she always make arrangements to be away from me, wont go anywhere with me, goes straight to bed when I get home, no meals are cooked for me anyway, no contact with me at all is the way she would prefer it to be. We cannot continue our lives in this confused state of mind. Right now I am not sure if this is a good thing or a real bad thing for either of us during this bad economy although it in itself is probably partly to blame. What is Love anymore, does it still exist. My wife tells me she doesnt love me, she hates me, she cant stand me touching her, she tells me she doesnt care what ever happens to me, she really has never told me she loves me. Am I crazy to make it want to work, am I asking for too much to keep trying to overcome this frustrating situation? I was always taught that marriage is forever, anymore with my situation and the way society is I cannot continue to believe in this for my own healthy feelings and for the welfare of my children.

Anonymous,
April 7, 2014 4:34 AM

It hurts me to read these comments. There's so much pain out there.Keep trying with your side. Give to her, show unconditional love no matter what she says, bring her presents, listen yo her, ask about her feelings, act responsibly, make her feel beloved and secure - and PRAY - with G-d's help, she will come around. Don't leave. You can yet have a beautiful, happy marriage.

(65)
Anonymous,
October 15, 2008 10:02 AM

It take two hands to clap

I agree with the article 100% but what can one party do if the other party is not putting our similar efforts.

(64)
Chris,
September 23, 2008 9:14 AM

Trust is very important

Im going through the motions right now of dealing with all of the things i'v done to contribute to the trust issues. I feel like we both are guilty of not fighting fair. I'm living in the now but always feel like I'm back in the past when I was doing all of the wrong things. Im searching for ways to build that trust up in my wife. I want to save our marriage.

(63)
Anonymous,
September 11, 2008 5:24 PM

I never thought that marriage took a lot of work every day,i'm guilty of all the things is in this article i'm going to try this because to me my marriage is the most important thing i do not want to loose my husban, i'll let you know how it goes, thank you very much for thing article it open my eyes what i'm doing wrong!!!

(62)
Jennifer,
September 7, 2008 11:48 AM

this article really did help realize a lot of things i do wrong when "fighting"

I the pointers about fighting fair i am guilty of a lot of the stuff you mention not to do. it is really hard for me to forget the past and move on. i also bring up old stuff that happened when we are arguing and i say you never or you always alot this article has help me a lot i agree this should be a course in high school

(61)
Anonymous,
September 1, 2008 9:35 AM

trying

GOING TO TRY.. MY WIFE IS MY LIFE

(60)
Jackie,
August 22, 2008 9:04 PM

I realize

This article made me realize what I was doing wrong. I will try the I-statement instead of the U-statement. It's kind of hard not to say it when your upset and know your right but, I'll give it a try. I trust and know that this will make a big difference in my relationship. I'll let you know how it goes...Thanks!

(59)
M,
August 10, 2008 3:16 AM

What if?

What if the other person does not practice any of that and wants to be trusted just "because"..?

(58)
Krista,
July 18, 2008 11:16 AM

Thank you

Thank you for this article. I have learned from this to use the "I" when communicating and not the "you" toward my husband. Sometimes when we have a conversation, it is all too easy to say "you did this." I will have to come back to let you know how it goes. You've made me feel much better and I feel that now I've got some insights on how to make trust a good thing in this home. Thanks!

(57)
Rob,
June 23, 2008 3:01 PM

Im gonna give it a try and lets prey its not to late!

I will be back in to let you know if it works? But thank you this is what my spouse and I have been having problems with and I hope it works. Pray for us!

(56)
Elijah,
May 24, 2008 11:13 PM

Will try

thanks

(55)
Gary,
May 24, 2008 1:26 PM

I LOVE YOU CHRISTY

I have been married almost 5 years now, and have literally destroyed my BEAUTIFUL wife, my self, and all of my family & friends by destroying all of the trust in my marriage. This is a great article and needs to be taken seriously by all individuals involved in a relationship. I have been doing a lot of reading about trust & relationships and thi article says a lot.

(54)
Aimee,
February 12, 2008 4:24 PM

Great Advice

My husband and I learned a lot of these concepts by watching Shalom in the Home a couple of years ago and they work marvelously! In our rush to get our own point across, so many times we ignore what our partner is saying. We learned to stop and listen to each other and let them finish, and another key listening tool is to not distract from the conversation by cooking dinner or doing dishes etc. Sit down face to face and communicate with each other. We have been married for 8 1/2 years now and these listening techniques have definitely helped us strengthen our relationship for the next 8+ years!

(53)
jude,
January 29, 2008 9:54 AM

thanks for your artical i belive is going to help my marriage

(52)
Greg,
January 28, 2008 2:36 AM

Right on the money

Your artical is right on the mark!!

(51)
Pontsho,
January 27, 2008 11:36 PM

trust

yes it is true when trust is not there the marriage is doomed. We have to learn to trust, give each other space to breath and always give support in a possitive manner no mater how small or big a thing is - give appreciation.

(50)
rg,
January 22, 2008 12:49 AM

to anonymous:

it's a wonderful thing to work on understanding your spouse and building better communication, but first make sure it's a 2-way street. Otherwise, you could be paving the way for even more abuse.

(49)
Simon,
January 21, 2008 1:50 AM

God as part of the team.

I do agree with the suggestion that it is high time marriage as a course or general knowledge be included in our school curricula and especially as an institution preferred by God; by failing to do this it has become difficult to manage the world given us to manage. Our individual family is a building stone of the world and can be weak with cracks if haphazard as is normally seen in high divorce rates.I have an interesting occurrence that happened to me not so long ago. It came to me that when l pray for my family in the morning that l thank God for the blessing of a wife and each of my children by name.I would pray loud not intentionally for my wife to hear my conversation with God although l felt that this would melt away our differences if any building up. I would tell God l am grateful for taking time to create my wife for me and that the bible says that one who gets a wife gets a good thing who am l to say otherwise, and lots of many other things that made me appreciate this gift, l prayed to use the gift well etc and l did this everyday before l woke up. I new my wife was listening because she would lower her breathing every time l started talking to God about my appreciation l also asked God to help me not to forget to thank him everyday for the gift of my wife. One day she told me that she had a dream that the two of us plus my elderly sickly dad was sleeping in the same bed. A strange dream then to both of us, since then my dad who was living a distance from us and who lost his wife last year became increasingly ill and l was forced to bring him to stay with us. One day l remembered her dream and shared it with my dad who has since improved greatly in health needless to say that it was hard work to wake up at night, to feed him, wipe him and give him his medicine.When l told my father about the dream he calmly told me that God was preparing my wife for his stay and attention. Suddenly it occurred to me that God had become the third person in our bed. As a trusted third party God in the form of the Holy Spirit can be part of the team if we audibly involve him and somehow help in repair of the world.

(48)
Connie,
January 20, 2008 4:38 PM

I agree!

My husband and I have had extreme marital difficulties during the year 2007. Rabbi Heller has written much of the information we have rec'd in marriage counseling. Trust is hard to restore when there's been a reason for mistrust and betrayal. Marriages indeed need to be nurtured and communication is so vital. Whether it's in the beginning or after nearly 21 years as in our situation. When there's anger in the air, it is so easy to allow words to fly without thought.... I've been left with a terrible bout of low self-esteem. The affect on a marriage from all of these issues are horrendous. It affects every person in the family, including children. Do not think they don't "know" what is going on. Sometimes they have been more perceptive than me! Trust can be restored with time. My husband calls me often while at work, he sometimes even visits me and we meet for lunch. When he is home and I must work he spends the time with male friends and always lets me know there whereabouts. He calls when he goes somewhere and lets me know when he will return. Trust is a learning thing, but getting better!

(47)
Sara,
January 20, 2008 1:39 PM

I disagree with one thing...

While I'm sure the writer of this article meant nothing by it, I disagree with the use of the word "fight." It is normal, natural and healthy for couples to disagree, but not to fight. Fighting implies a back and forth attack. As the writer mentions, attacks are not desirable. So, I wouldn't use the word "fight" to describe these ideas. I do agree with the importance of keeping disagreements to certain boundaries. Discuss only the issue at hand, and avoid "you" statements, etc. These are all things that keep "disagreements" from escalating into "fights."

(46)
Anonymous,
January 20, 2008 10:36 AM

how to build trust

Hello to fellow commentators that are showing this article to your spouses. Keep in mind a comment that someone shared with me and I have found invaluable. That is, the building of trust comes from working very hard at understanding the other party and NOT from being understood. If you concentrate on understanding the other, then being understood will take care of itself.

Hope this helps!

(45)
Sherman,
January 20, 2008 10:27 AM

This should be on every high school curriculum.

Judging from the torrent of comments, this article has really pressed a hot button, & rightly so. Why don't all high schools offer compulsory courses in marital (& other) relationships? Of course, the successful implementation of such a program would have a downside--perhaps a devastating effect on lawyers' revenues.

(44)
Anonymous,
January 2, 2008 4:28 PM

breaking up cuz of trust issues

I have forwarded this article to my husband and I hope we can work things out. I lost his trust and want to gain it back.

(43)
Working on Things,
December 10, 2007 1:30 PM

VERY TRUE!

I'm going to have my wife read this. Well written article with advice that if administered would bring the divorce rate down in America!

(42)
S.H.,
December 2, 2007 9:20 PM

ON the Rocks!

This is very good advice. I hope that by applying this to the situation we can work out our trust issues.

(41)
DS,
November 7, 2007 5:52 PM

Divorced

I only wish my ex-wife would have read this article. Maybe we would still be together and my daughter wouldn't have to grow up in a broken home!

(40)
Rose,
November 7, 2007 5:34 PM

If your spouse reads this the right way, its good

I'm showing this to my husband after I write this. After 2 years in marriage counseling trying to get him to commmuniate maybe be needs another way of seeing the communication is needed, otherwise there's no point in continuing on. I'm not a mind reader

(39)
Mai,
November 7, 2007 5:14 PM

Good idea

The pointers that are given on "Fighting Fair" are extremely helpful. In my opinion, those are great guidelines to go by, not just when fighting, but to keep in mind at ALL times. There will be less arguments!

(38)
Anonymous,
November 7, 2007 5:08 PM

Don't wait until it is too late

I wish my husband and I had read this article and worked on communication much earlier - now we are in divorce proceedings...

(37)
Mary,
November 7, 2007 5:06 PM

A Good Listener!

Be swift about listening, slow about speaking, slow about wrath...or in other words (slow about reacting)

(36)
Anonymous,
November 7, 2007 4:57 PM

Trust after affairs

After my husbands 2 affairs we had a long run of counseling.Things were good for a while but the trust never seems to really be fully there again.Just when you think you believe in him again some warning signal goes off in you and you are once again sitting on the edge of your seat waiting for the next big confession.I still think it might be impossible to ever gain all the trust back.This article does bring me back to all the info. we forgot while going through counseling that really did work but over time you slack off and forget.Thanks for the reminder.

(35)
namukonda maggie,
November 7, 2007 4:52 PM

I love the message

the article is very pleasing and fair

(34)
george,
November 7, 2007 4:30 PM

no trust, no joy

name calling, old unresolved issues, the "i" and "u" phrases...we can't talk without a fight over NOTHING. and now i'm scared to even email my wife this article-it'll turn to the "blame" arguement pertaining to your helpful article.

(33)
valerie,
November 7, 2007 4:23 PM

communication in marriage is one topic I have been pationate about for years and i have to say I have learnt something new from this!

more people need to hear this

(32)
Anonymous,
November 7, 2007 4:10 PM

I have no safe emotional space at all

I have tried every communication technique there is. I tried wholeheartedly, as I cared very much for keeping my relationship going. I cannot make him see how abusive he is, emotionally, psychologically, on a very deep level. I don't even articulate the thought, much less express a need anymore. There is no more relationship to be honest. We have a special needs child who could not deal with us breaking up, however, I am so cut off, emotionally, it has led to a very profound depression. There isn't any help, I can't even bring myself to discuss this out loud in person. It just will not come out of my mouth.

(31)
Marc,
November 6, 2007 11:19 AM

Interseting article

I found this article very eye opening and I sent a copy to my wife maybe she will read it. After 14 years of marriage I am at the end of rope with her trying to get to her to commuincate with me, at first I've tried the rough approach then the gentle approach and then the mad as hell approach and nothing has worked. I just want to have an open line of communication between to the two us.

(30)
Martin,
October 5, 2007 5:58 PM

i learned alot from this!!!

There is one think that i was sure about u have to resolve problems if there are some and now the way how to work on them

(29)
funke,
September 26, 2007 6:34 AM

this have made me know that am wrong in some area.

(28)
Sean,
September 5, 2007 11:53 AM

WoW!! Truly Inspirational!!!

I am having trust issues now and after reading this article, I must say that I have a bit more insight into the problems that are faced. This article really hits the nail on the head...Much thanks for this article....

(27)
Pamela,
July 10, 2007 11:06 AM

Eureka!

This article is a "beacon of light"! When I read this, it seemed so obvious/logical - this is brilliant!

(26)
dee hayes,
April 3, 2007 10:17 AM

It really is about learning !

I am trying to build the trust back into our marriage and this article gave me alot of insite on doing that . It really is about leaning how to fight with out putting the other one down. Thanks for this article ....

(25)
Miri,
February 7, 2007 10:34 AM

What if the spouse insist that there is no bigger problem other than the problem at hand, when its seems to the other spouse that there is a trust issue?

(24)
Anonymous,
January 24, 2007 12:55 PM

thanks for the article

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months and he still does not trust me we are engaged to get married this article helped alot that even when we are married that trust will take a long time to gain. Thanks alot for this article that made my day.

(23)
T,
October 26, 2006 3:16 PM

Whether it's marriage or not it's a relationship

I'm sure we can dailogue with each other on the present situations that have come to pass

(22)
Brenda,
October 11, 2006 12:32 AM

How do you build trust

Once the trust is lost how do you rebuild it? What about when you feel attacked even when you use the I statments?

(21)
Anonymous,
October 10, 2006 10:30 AM

I understand that if you break trust in a relationship whether your married or not that it is hard to regain back. But I also believe that if you love that person enough and they love you too and you both communicate with each other and prove to one another that you want the relationship. We all have time and that is what it will take. The past is the past and you have to look towards the future. Forgive him or her and use the time you have to rebuild the trust back and you can have something beautiful with that person. Don't give up on something you love - We make mistakes and no that aren't good ones but we learn from those mistakes and people can change especially if the love someone enough.

(20)
Anonymous,
October 10, 2006 6:31 AM

Fight

Time to time, he has a pattern who repeates... when I think everything is going ok... he starts to misstrust me, being suspicious about me, taking away and destroying my trust and safety feeling in my marriage.

(19)
mma,
August 8, 2006 12:00 AM

i cannot forget the manner mu husband cheated on me. maybe this will help me.

I hope this will help because every time my husband goes out i dont trust him. He lied to me before and i cannot forget that.

(18)
Amos ,Adu,
April 14, 2006 12:00 AM

Powerful tool

Chancing on this website is one of the greatest things to happen to me personally. To satrt with , am not yet married but prparing to . I think most of the health ingredient that will make marriage sumptous has been displayed here by Rabi . May the good Lord give much more wisdom than you pocess so educate people like me .God Bless you.Amos , Ghana.

(17)
Anonymous,
December 19, 2005 12:00 AM

prboblem of relatioships not known to the other spouse

The use of personal communications (e.g.GSM phones) establishes virtual communication between the spouses. However, when the other spouse becomes very secretive about his or her handset/calls and sms messages, a moral gap and mistrust sets in. What is your advise on how to handle this?.

Secondly, if the other spouse is engaged in intense sms contact with other man or woman not known to the family, could that be taken a a reasonable christian life? What is also your adv ise on this?

Please help with what problems this could generate in a family and how to respond to it.

(16)
Anonymous,
November 23, 2005 12:00 AM

thanks a lot

very important and helpful article.Written with a great knowledge and understanding
of how married couples should conduct and giving so generously good advice for those who seek to live better with harmony. thanks a lot.

(15)
Anonymous,
October 4, 2005 12:00 AM

enlightening and very helpful

I found this article to be extremely helpful. And the linking of lack of trust to an abusive relationship resulted in all sorts of things falling into place for me regarding my relationship.

I already realised (but see below) my husband is abusive and I know I don't trust him (for good reason) but the way you linked the two helps me a lot as it helps me get over my doubting whether my husband is really being abusive (despite what he clearly does : I think the problem may be that I wonder if his constant blame of me is justified). I don't doubt that I can't trust him : he hurts me,lies, lets me down constantly and does some really awful things. So maybe now I can believe better that I am in an abusive relationship.

(14)
j garcia,
September 28, 2005 12:00 AM

awakening

thank you for making this article, now i can rebuild my trust that i had lost for my husband after a devastating affair.

(13)
chaya,
August 13, 2005 12:00 AM

Very useful article

This article is the most wonderful that every couple has to read.I personally felt very good after reading this article.

Thanks a lot

(12)
willis,
January 10, 2004 12:00 AM

I found this info very true and already started putting it to work in my marriage

(11)
,
April 15, 2002 12:00 AM

thank you

that was a great article on trust in marriage. i would love to read more.these ideas are easy to add to my life to help redevelope trust. thank you

(10)
Malissa Parkes,
March 9, 2002 12:00 AM

Thank you

I have learned so much from the information provided. I thought it was my husband doing the damage to our marriage. I have a hard time trusting him...Now! I now realize I am to blame as well. I will watch myself very closely and recognize my wrong immediatley!

(9)
Anonymous,
January 25, 2002 12:00 AM

This is a wonderful thing you are doing.

Thank you very much, I have been seeking to better my relationship with my wife, I know God designed marriage to work, but it is our work. I am so glad you are doing this. God bless.

(8)
Holly,
December 31, 2001 12:00 AM

Important reminders

I appreciate your knowledge and I am going to keep an eye on myself and my behavior. I intend to treat my spouce as well or better than I want him to treat me. I know we have our differences and challenges, but this can be an asset rather than a deficit.

If people would listen to the points mentioned, they would have much happier
lives. Thanks so much for writing an article which is so needed by married people.

(4)
Phil Winn,
February 4, 2001 12:00 AM

Great stuff

I appreciate your common-sense wisdom on the topic of trust building in marriage.

(3)
,
April 7, 2000 12:00 AM

Is pleasing another a way of building trust?

Overall, I thought this was a positive article, with many practical suggestions for both building trust and communicating. I think it is tremendously important to create a safe and trusting space. I also think the issue of being able to express opinions and needs openly and honestly is critical - but also very challenging - particularly the issue of needs.

The one thing that I disagreed with was the statement that it is hard to distrust someone who is going out of their way to please you. Actually, I would think it's just the opposite! While it certainly is wonderful to have someone care enough and value you enough to try and please you - I think you would also wonder why are they doing this (what other reasons and motives).

Also - sometimes one does not want someone to "please" them - they want someone to reveal themselves as who they are - with their own point of view. It can be very easy to hide behind pleasing others - and not fully engage or be there as a person. In fact, one can become highly skilled at pleasing others, at which point the "other" stops paying close attention and this actually frees the one pleasing to move on to other things. The point I'm making is that while this can "work" to achieve a certain result - it may be more the result of keeping the peace than increasing trust.

Also, often people agree to something they think will please another because they don't want to fight - or they don't care - or because it would make waves outside the relationship (other factors).

I'm also not sure t

(2)
Stephen G. McLeod,
April 4, 2000 12:00 AM

Keep articles of this kind coming!

It is amazing how little training we receive for the most intimate relationship in our lives.
I appreciate your supplying this much-needed training.

(1)
Anonymous,
April 3, 2000 12:00 AM

I think the artical should be reviewed once a week as a refresher course on how to act in a marriage.

I want to know about the concept of "sin" due to Adam and Eve eating from the Tree of Knowledge. The Christian concept of sin revolves around the fall of the man and the "original sin." Does Judaism view it the same way?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Adam and Eve were punished according to their actions. In other words, God laid down the conditions for Adam and Eve to live in the garden, provided they would not eat from the Tree of Knowledge. However, if they were to eat from that tree they would be punished by experiencing death. (If they had not eaten from the tree, they would have remained immortal.)

This sets down the basic principle in Judaism of Reward and Punishment. Basic to this is that every person has the choice of doing good or bad. When a person chooses "good" – as defined by God – he is able to draw close to God. In other words, every individual has a chance to "gain salvation" through his own actions.

My understanding of Christianity, however, is that the Original Sin has infected all of mankind to the point where individuals are incapable of achieving salvation through their own initiative. Man is "totally depraved" and therefore his only hope of salvation is through the cross.

This belief is contrary to the teachings of Judaism. From the Torah perspective, an individual does not need to rely on anyone else to atone for them. In Judaism, sins can be "erased" altogether by sincere repentance and a firm resolution never to repeat the mistakes.

For more on this, read "Their Hollow Inheritances" by Michael Drazin – www.drazin.com

Yahrtzeit of Moses in 1273 BCE (Jewish year 2488), on the same day of his birth 120 years earlier. (Consequently, "May you live to 120" has become a common Jewish blessing.) Moses was born in Egypt at a time when Pharaoh had decreed that all Jewish baby boys be drowned in the Nile River. His mother set him afloat in a reed basket, where he was -- most ironically -- discovered by Pharaoh's daughter and brought to Pharaoh's palace to be raised. When Moses matured, his heart turned to aid the Jewish people; he killed an Egyptian who was beating a Jew, and he fled to Midian where he married and had two sons. God spoke to Moses at the Burning Bush, instructing him to return to Egypt and persuade Pharaoh to "let My people go." Moses led the Jews through the ten plagues, the Exodus, and the splitting of the Red Sea. Seven weeks later, the Jews arrived at Mount Sinai and received the Torah, the only time in human history that an entire nation experienced Divine revelation. Over the next 40 years, Moses led the Jews through wanderings in the desert, and supervised construction of the Tabernacle. Moses died before being allowed to enter the promised Land of Israel. He is regarded as the greatest prophet of all time.

Lack of gratitude is at the root of discontent. In order to be consistently serene, we must master the attribute of being grateful to the Creator for all His gifts. As the Torah (Deuteronomy 26:11) states, "Rejoice with all the good the Almighty has given you." This does not negate our wanting more. But it does mean that we have a constant feeling of gratitude since as long as we are alive, we always have a list of things for which to be grateful.

[Just before Moses' death] God said to him, "This is the Land that I promised to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob" (Deuteronomy 34:4).

The Midrash says that Moses pleaded to live long enough to be able to enter the Promised Land. He surrendered his soul only after God instructed him to enter Heaven and inform the Patriarchs that the Israelites had come to their Land and that God had indeed fulfilled His promise to give the Land of Israel to their descendants. To fulfill God's will was dearer to Moses than his craving to enter the Land.

It is only natural to cling to life, and the thought of leaving this world is depressing. However, if a person develops the attitude that he lives only in order to fulfill God's will, then life and death are no longer polar opposites, because he lives to do the will of God, and when that will requires that he leave this world, he will be equally obedient.

The seventh day of Adar is the anniversary of Moses' death. He wanted to enter the Promised Land so that he could fulfill the commandments and thereby have a new opportunity to fulfill the Divine wish. He surrendered his soul willingly when he was told that there was a special commandment for him to perform, one that could only be achieved after leaving this earth.

We refer to Moses as Rabbeinu, our teacher. He not only taught us didactically, but by means of everything he did in his life - and by his death, as well.

Today I shall...

try to dedicate my life to fulfilling the will of God, so that even when that will contradicts my personal desires, I can accept it with serenity.

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