Saturday, July 16, 2011

So I don’t know about you, butt I need a weekend break from hope and change and CalConservGirl gave me an idea yesterday. I haven’t done a celebutard review in many moons (no Lady M keister pun intended). As luck would have it, UPI, which I think stands for United Panderers International, put together a slide show tour of Celebrities representing 50 of our 57 states. I won’t take them to task for the racist elimination of 7 whole states, butt I do have issues with some of the Celebutards they picked.

I’m going to have to break this into multiple installments though because even 50 states is too much for one post. Butt it will be worth waiting for, I promise (unless you’re from one of the 7 states UPI missed). So let’s begin with our first installment. I’m doing it alphabetically in order to appear to be fair and balanced, and in order to avoid showing favoritism to any of our union brothers “favored nation” status states.

Alabama:

Evander Holyfield: Five time Heavy Weight Champion of the World, with the added distinction of defeating Mike Tyson in an 11th round TKO! My kind of guy! Narrowly edged out the second place Alabama celebrity duo of Goober & Gomer Pyle.

Alaska

Valerie Plame: I know who you were expecting, butt Sean Penn didn’t star in her movie.

Arizona

Emma Stone was their choice, butt a good argument can be made for the meteorically rising star of celebrity boob, Mehgan McCain,

butt the election is over and Obama won.

Arkansas

Mike Huckabee: This is bound to be a controversial pick. To get to the Huckster, UPI had to pass over none other than the Big Dawg himself, Bill Clinton! Not to mention Billy Bob Thornton and Johnny Cash! I’m glad I don’t have to answer their customer service lines. “I fell in to a burning ring of fire…I went down, down and the flames grew higher. And it burns, burns, the ring of fire, the ring of fire.”

California

Jessica Alba: This was a no win situation. California is, as CalConservgal knows, the epicenter of celebutardism. It’s like being in a great restaurant where the menu has a gazillion pages and everything is to die for! I usually just order a burger with American cheese, fries and a vanilla shake. I think that’s what UPI did too.

Colorado

Amy Adams: Let’s note from the start that Colorado is a swing state that can help us WTF. So you’re not going to bait me into any gratuitous criticism. At least not until after the 2012 election returns are in. Amy is sweet, pretty and Drop Dead Gorgeous. There were other Coloradoans that could have been chosen. Tops among them Alferd G. “Alfie” Packer. I’m sure most of you know Alfie’s story, butt in case you don’t. Alfie was a miner who, in February of 1874, headed up into the Rocky Mountains above Montrose (the city, not the band) with 5 other miners bound for Gunnison. They became HOPElessly lost and snowbound. In April, Alfie arrived at a saloon near Gunnison, alone and actually having gained weight after his winter of desolation. An investigation followed, and the bones, licked clean, of Alfie’s 5 fellow travelers were discovered.

Alfie was convicted of cannibalism and legend has it that at his sentencing, before sending him to the hoosegow for 40 years, the judge reportedly said “Alfie, in January there was seven good Democrats in Hinsdale County and you et five of ‘em.” Alfie was pardoned in 1901 and lived out his days on a ranch in Deer Creek, CO where, he reportedly, became a vegetarian.

Later, in the 1990s, an enterprising entrepreneur, opened a short lived bar and grill in Dillon, Co, not far from Breckenridge, named “Alfie Packer’s.” The specialty of the house was “Miner’s Stew.”

Connecticut

Chole Sevigny: I don’t need to tell you why Chloe got the CT pick do I? I do? Hmmmm? You have seen the Brown Bunny (absolutely no relation to any of our Bunnies), haven’t you? No? Me neither. I understand she took the Brown Bunny role after being passed over for a spot on the Big White intern roster.

Delaware

David Plouffe: Seriously? Plouff-Daddy must have a much better agent than Joey B. Still, I expect repercussions.

Florida

Mickey Rourke: I actually approve of this pick, although I don’t understand why Florida gets him, because he was born in Schenectady, NY. Butt I guess they had somebody else in mind for NY. Guess who! Wait for it: it’s coming up.

Say what you will about Mickey, butt he was undefeated as a light heavyweight with a record of 6 wins (KO 4) + 0 losses + 2 drawns, boxing 24 rounds with a 50% knock out rate.

I think he could have given Alabama’s Evander Holyfield a run for his money, butt his face tells you who would have won…I’m talking about the face after the botched cosmetic surgery. When will they ever learn?

Maybe someday, butt not yet. As they say, you can’t make this stuff up.

Illinois

Cindy Crawford: I’m sorry; who????

“Born in DeKalb, Illinois, Cindy Crawford began her journey from obscurity to ubiquity after a reporter snapped a picture of her working at a summer job when she was 16. She graduated from high school as valedictorian, but dropped out of Northwestern University to pursue modeling.”

Little Ms. Mensa “U” drop-out doesn’t even have a BA!? Nor a law degree from a prestigious ivy league university, let alone a law license that she could “voluntarily” surrender to the court to avoid prosecution! What a blatantly racist pick! Ok, picking Orca would have been even more racist (see Mississippi).

Indiana

Tony Stewart: Ok, what did you expect; it’s Hoosier-ville! WTF is a hoosier anyway? Butt, shhhh: don’t tell anybody. I love NASCAR! Several of my cousins are Donnelly mirrors and reflect on the big races.

Iowa

Elijah Wood: This one caught me by surprise. I thought we’d heard the last of him after Nike dropped his endorsement deal and he couldn’t even make the cut in several minor tournaments.

Kirstie Alley: I love Kirstie, butt this was a blatant gift to make up for her second place finish on Dancing With the Stars. When you think about it, why not one of the more deserving Kansarians like Harry Truman, Walt Disney, Amelia Earhart, Jesse James, Satchel Paige, or Dorothy Gale! Ok, not Dorothy, because she knows who the guy behind the curtain is, and that would not set well with Big Guy…or the guy behind the curtain.

And now that she’s no longer “Kirstie Alley fat” she qualifies because she no longer takes the place of two contestants.

Kentucky

George Clooney: Did any body else know that Sir Hunkasaurus was from flyover country, or am I the only one who’s been holed up in a bunker since 1-20-2009? Ok, I live a somewhat sheltered life, butt I would have bet the farm (proof positive) that George was raised in one of our sophisticated megalopolises, like NYC or LA. I guess that explains “Brother, Where Art Thou?”. Other than that, nothing about Kentucky breeding explains his politics. Unless he was bred purely for looks.

Louisiana

Harry Connick Jr: No better pick for the Big Easy than Harry. I love the Neville brothers and I’ve still got half of a jar of Marie Laveau’s goofer dust, butt Harry was the right pick here. Anybody disagree? Remember, I’ve still got half ‘a jar of goofer dust. And I’m not afraid to use it on James Carville.

Maine

John O'Hurley: Ok, I admit, I was never a fan of Seinfeld. I know I’m in the minority, butt being a minority is really advantageous these days, I should probably try to milk my minority status while it’s still fashionable. And, I just couldn’t bring myself to watch the Family Feud after they dumped that cute-as-a-button Corporal Peter Newkirk.

Butt I guess O’Hurley was judged to be more deserving than some of Maine’s other celebrities, like Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, Bush 41, John Travolta or “expert at everything about living” and convicted felon, Martha Stewart. Although technically she has a home in Maine, Martha-matching-sweater-set-and-tea-cozy is from Nutely, New Jersey, which just seems right somehow.

Lady M has his “Thong Song” on her iPod, butt I am sooo not down with that.

Massachusetts

Geena Davis: Virginia Elizabeth “Geena” Davis didn’t win this role because she is an accomplished, award winning actress, former model or Olympic archery finalist.

She didn’t win because, at the age of 46, she wisely, and strategically, married a plastic surgeon. No, she won the spot for nailing her roll as a historic Commander in Chief. Something her real-life historic successor is still struggling with.

Michigan

Michael Moore: Michigan is the ancestral home and alleged birth state of my BBB, Dewey from Detroit. So, forgive me if I spend a wee bit more time than usual reviewing the Michigan celebrities UPI passed over in choosing this moronic tub of jelly donut blubber. This is the most embarrassing slap in the Michigander face since, well I don’t think there has ever been anything in this league before. The contenders Michael Moore-donuts beat out include, in alphabetical order:

Tim “The Tool Man” Allen, Gillian Anderson, Bob Bell: What, you’ve never heard of Bob Bell? He was the first and only original:

Bozo the Clown!

Ok, picking Bobby might have taken a bit of the “historic” sheen away from our current clown holding the title, so let’s move on.

So, I guess UPI had no real choice. Butt what does the fat-ball think of his selection?

Well put big, big guy

Minnesota

Rachael Leigh Cook: Give me a minute. I’m still steaming over that last pick.

Ok, Rachael Leigh Cook: She’s pretty, although she’s not Swedish, Norwegian or German. I guess this was a way to tactfully avoid having to give an attractive Gopher State candidate for higher office - if you know who I mean - any more free publicity.

Butt RLC is pretty too and her picture has graced many products, including the cover of the Milk-Bone Dog Biscuit box!

No, not this picture. This picture was in...oh, never mind. She won, and she’s way prettier than Garrison Keillor.

Mississippi

Oprah Winfrey: Ouch! This one’s going to leave a mark! Not on me, butt on the racists at UPI. Why would they stir the pot of hatred by picking this woman, at this time without picking Lady M for Illinois? I’ll tell you…it’s because they are racists! And they haven’t heard the last of this!

I know this is a digression, butt I couldn’t help butt notice the article: “Dr. Oz’s 5-step plan for a perfect checkup.” So is that the objective? Just passing the tests? Maybe the Atlanta school board should hire Dr. Oz.

Missouri

Ginger Rogers: What a sweetie! I love this pick, although I’m not in love with the picture they chose. Why pick one with that self-hatin’ perv, Woody Allen? Weiner-gate has blown over. Sorry, I promise, read my lips, no more Weiner jokes.

I would have used a picture like this:

or this:

Maybe they thought Woody made Ginger seem more relevant, seeing as how she was just a dancer. And Woody is a big Hollywood producer who married his own daughter. I still don’t get it.

Montana

Michelle Williams: I have to admit, I had to do a hard drive search on this little number because I never watched Dawson’s Creek or Brokeback Mountain. Anyhoo, the real surprise here is that they picked a girl who ran for the US Senate as an R-word. Twice! I guess they waived that disqualifier because she lost both times and they want to be fair and balanced.

Gabrielle Union: Gabby’s contributions to reduce the cost and improve the quality and availability of medical care in America swept her into this title without breaking a sweat. No, she’s not a doctor, butt she played one on the TeeVee. Don’t take this the wrong way: I love Gabby, butt I’m a little bummed out that they didn’t pair up Cornhusker Fred Astaire with Ginger for this dance. Butt I guess it was time for another minority selection.

Nevada

Andre Agassi: Frankly, I didn’t think anyone was actually born in Vegas, baby, butt Lady Luck certainly shined down on ol’ Andre. I think he’s looking more and more like Dr. Evil every day, don’t you?

New Hampshire

Adam Sandler: Now he’s funny, I don’t care who you are! Great pick for the Granite State, Adam managed to overcome his baggage to carry the ball across the finish line. Oh, I mean, the goal line. What baggage you ask? Well let’s start with he’s Jewish, butt not self-hating. How do I know? He’s a registered R-word. Registered R-word! In his line of work! Live Free or Die, baby!

Neil Patrick Harris: Doogie Howser, MD was a cinch to score the Land of Enchantment title. not only for his TeeVee contributions to ramming Obamacare up your passing Obamacare, butt for inventing lady M’s favorite dance. The only negative here is he’s not really Mexican, new or old.

New York

Ok, you’ve been very patient, so here it is:

Lady Gaga: This was in the stars! Lady Gaga blew both Weiners, Big & Little Tony, out of the competition ( I know I promised, butt I’m a politician!) and sent Client # 9 to the cold showers. Anybody who, in just one season, arrives in an egg and performs in a wheelchair prop is all Big Apple! Without even checking her DNA, I would not hesitate to confirm that she was born this way.

I can’t decide between the egg and the lobster.

And I believe on that note, we will have “a pause in the action” (a phrase coined by deceased Red Wing Player and play-by-play announcer, Sid Able, more years ago than you want to count. He’s not on the Michigan list of overlooked candidates because he was actually from Timmons, Ontario – north of the bear line.)

We’ll pick up with North Carolina next Sunday, unless there’s a really slow news day in between now and then. Have a nice Sunday everyone, and try not to worry too much about the debt ceiling. The Bernanke has already signaled that his printing presses have been tuned up and we ordered several palettes of India ink. So we’re ready to roll in case the R-words actually have a spine and stand their ground.