First, a tip of the hat to one of
Badmoviedoms great unsung heroes: Mr. K. Gordon Murray. Mr.
Murray is best known for providing cheesy drive-in movie fare in
the Sixties. Generally, hed buy up flicks from
Mexicos Churubusco-Azteca studios and fix them up with
barely adequate dubbing. Then theyd be put forth for
bewildered Anglo audiences to ponder and enjoy. Included in Mr.
Murrays body of work is The Brainiac, a film to
rival Plan 9 From Outer Space and Robot Monster. He
also allowed us to savor the adventures of such characters as
Santos, the masked wrestler, as he fought criminals, spies and
monsters; Nostradamus the Vampire; The Wrestling Women (wrestlers
are very big in Mexico); The Aztec Mummy (in fact, the prior two
met in the imaginatively named Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec
Mummy), along with the odd (very odd) childrens fantasy
film. Which is where we come in.

Santa Claus opens with a shot of
Santas Gold and Crystal Palace in Outer Space (dont
worry, it get weirder from here). Inside, the constantly
chuckling Santa is walking around, seeing that things are being
prepared for Christmas. He then sits down at his pipe organ. As
both The Announcer and a title card on the organ keep us
informed, he plays native songs to the singing of his helpers,
children from all nations who help Santa make his toys. All the
kids are in the stereotypical dress of their country, region or
continent. Mexicos low ranking on the Political Correctness
Scale is immediately apparent: the first group of kids is from
Africa, and as Santa plays a "jungle drum" tune, they
caper around in their leopard skin tunics, with bones adorning
their hair. Santa goes on to play for fourteen (!) more groups,
and this scene alone runs for seven straight minutes of
screen time.

When Santa finally finishes, one of his little
serfs comes in with a "devil" doll prototype. This is
used as a segue device to take us to Hades, where guys dressed up
like devils (yep, horns, tails, red makeup, little black beards,
the whole smear) caper around in a dance so awful it actually
reminds you of the "Dantes Inferno" number from
Staying Alive. Lucifer comes over the Infernal PA system and
orders Pitch, Chief of all his Demons, topside. Hes to
hinder Santa, as well as perform the rather ambitious task of
making "all the children of the Earth do evil". If he
fails, Lucifer will make him eat chocolate ice-cream, which,
because hes a demon, would be bad for him. This is the
movies idea of humor.

We cut to a large toy shop in Mexico City
(surprise). Children stare in wonder at the fabulous selection of
toys, knowing that soon Santa will be bringing them to rich
little boys and girls all over the world. Here we meet the rest
of our principal cast. Theres Billy, the Poor Little Rich
Boy, who has all that money can provide, but is denied the one
thing he really wants: the loving attention of his parents. Next,
theres Lupita, a little poor girl who desperately wants a
doll, any kind of doll. And finally, theres three
"rude little boys". They will be Pitchs main
assault force in the war against Santa. Pitch materializes three
rocks, and as The Announcer notes, "his evil plan goes into
action". Sure enough, the three brats throw them through the
store window. Wow, what Evils may envelope the world when
Lucifers minions bestride the globe!

Next we are introduced to Santas
Orwellian surveillance devices. These allow him to monitor all of
the children on Earth. The aforementioned activities have all
been observed, and Santa will continue to keep track of our cast.
Lupita grabs a street venders doll without being noticed,
but in spite of Pitchs entreaties to steal it, she puts it
back. Santas pleased at this display of virtue. Santa then
invades the very dreams of Billy, the Poor Little Rich Boy. Yes,
even in sleep, there is no refuge from the Bearded Watcher.

In Billys dream, he receives two huge
boxes for Christmas. Inside: his parents, who come out and hug
him. Santa then proceeds to Lupitas dream, which it turns
out Pitch is influencing. As Lupita plays with a doll, large
boxes (Hey, theyre exactly like the ones in Billys
dream! What are the odds?), open up. Scary giant doll woman come
out, do a rare dance (in that its not well done), and then
try to convince Lupita to steal. This debate basically amounts to
the dolls saying, "You must steal if you want a doll!",
and Lupita replying, "No. Stealing is bad, and I want to be
good", back and forth about ten times. Santa is proud of
Lupita, and vows to kick Pitchs big red ass (well, not in
so many words) later.

Next up is spying out the Unprincipled Trio.
They discuss some oddly vague schemes, like breaking "our
neighbors" window and stealing "that kids
toy", because "hes got a lot of em".
One of them points out that they could get toys by being good,
but this is voted down as being no fun. Then they reveal their
biggest plan yet: write letters to Santa pretending to be good
children, and reap the illicit rewards. Unfortunately for them,
though, they are in fact the only bad children in the entire
world Santa is listening to right now.

Back to Billys, where hes writing
his letter to Santa, asking that his parents stay home with him
on Christmas. This leads into a montage of children writing and
mailing Santa their requests. These run the gamut from a bicycle
to a "Papa" (" or even a Mama." Boy,
those macho Latin cultures, huh?). At the post office the letters
are tossed down the incineration chute, but the magic of reverse
photography shoots them up the flue to Santas (in Outer
Space?!). Santa sorts them into good and bad children piles, and
sends requests for siblings on to The Stork, who (giggle)
lives in Paris. Ha ha. Say, who appointed Santa to decide who,
and what, are "good" and "bad"? Arent
these very concepts the repressive tools of a Imperialist Western
Elite? And what about the self-esteem of the "bad"
children, as they are maliciously labeled? When is Government
going to do something about this!

Getting ready for Christmas Eve, Santa visits
Merlin (!) in his lab. Merlin, of course, has a long, gray beard,
and his blue robe and conical hat are arrayed with stars. Merlin
is in charge of Santas familiar magic equipment, like the
powders that put people to sleep and the rose that when sniffed
makes Santa invisible (look, I know youve never heard of
this stuff, but lets not drag this out any more than we
have to). The Dream Powders have to be mixed fresh, setting a
long, long "comic" scene as the absent-minded Merlin
collects the ingredients. Next up is the "Master Blacksmith
and Key Maker of the Palace", who provides Santa with the
Golden Key that Opens All Doors. Then Santa takes a pointless
trip to his "gym" (a reducing machine), and then
practices climbing into a plaster chimney. This vigorous regimen
completed, hes ready to go.

Santa heads for his sleigh, which is being
loaded by his underage labor (does Kathie Lee Gifford know about
this?). To get back at Santa, they sing an awful little song as
they toil. Santas sleigh is drawn by the familiar four
bone-white mechanical reindeer. Presumably, this is the
compromise Santa made with the ASPCA and PETA over the whole
"reindeer issue". Oh, yeah, were also informed
that if the reindeer will turn to dust if exposed to sunlight
(!!). Should this happen, Santa will be trapped on Earth, where
he would starve, as he only eats pastries and ice-cream made of
soft clouds (!!!). Santa brings the reindeer to life by cranking
one of them up with a giant key. Their eyes rolls, their mouths
open and close, and they make an eerie laughing bray. This scene
is really quite creepy, sure to inspire bed-wetting nightmares
for its young audience.

Santa starts flying through space (?) on the
way to Earth. You would think that after all these years Santa
would know how to fly this thing, but his almost crashing into
the moon argues against it. Of course, youd also expect
that scientists would have figured out that the moon is about
fifteen feet across and looks like a giant golf ball, as we can
see here. As Earth comes into view, The Announcer wonders,
" where Santa will go first? Europe, Africa,
America?". Gee, I dont know, maybe .MEXICO?

We check in on our players. Pitch is waiting,
curled up next to a warm chimney. Billys parents leave him
alone for the night. The Unlawful Triad are hatching an ambitious
scheme: trip Santa with a rope and steal his bag of toys. I
dont think theyve thought it through, though. After
all, weve seen their room, and its not big enough to
store all the toys in the world. But when they discuss making
Santa their slave, well, thats a bit over the top. Lupita,
over in the poor side of town, is wondering if Santa will bring
her a doll. She tells her mother that if Santa brings her two
dolls, she will give one to "little Jesus". Lupita is
either extremely generous, or really knows how to kiss up.

Pitch and Santa fight a battle at each house
Santa visits (about six all together). First Pitch pushes a
chimney out of place (uh, its magic or something). However,
Santa uses his magic parasol to float to the ground and goes in
with his Golden Key. When Pitch moves the chimney back, Santa
blows up the flue and blows ash all over Pitch. Boy, thats
a riot. Next, Pitch tries to burn Santa alive as he comes down
another chimney, but jumps the gun, and Santa is just singed. He
heats up a doorknob so Santa will burn his hand, and Santa uses a
toy cannon to shoot him in the butt with a little missile. Yuk,
yuk.

At Billys house, The Announcers
prediction that Billy will get "all the toys a boy could
want" is vindicated when Santa leaves a toy boat, a ball, a
miniature guitar and two toy cars. But Santa knows that even this
fabulous bounty wont heal Billys wounded heart. So he
goes incognito to the resturant where the parents are dining and
serves them "Cocktails of Remembrance" (oh, for crying
out loud!). "Now thats strange," Father notes,
"I have an urge to see our little boy!" Gee, how sweet.
They rush home, hug Billy, and one plot line is thankfully
resolved.

Pitch is watching the Unruly Three as they get
ready to execute their plan. However, Santa is too bright for
them, and after scaring them, they find theyve only gotten
(yes) lumps of coal. However, Pitch manages to cut open
Santas magic fanny pack, and Santa loses both the Dream
Powders and the Flower of Disappearing. "Now Santa
wont be able to put anyone to sleep," The Announcer
frets. No worries there, dude. Santas put plenty of people
to sleep already, and not with any Dream Powders, either.

By the time Santas discovered his losses,
hes been treed by Pitchs latest tool, a Pit Bull
named Dante. This is a fairly clever allusion, but its
ruined because all the dubbed voices refer to him as
"Dan-tee", rather than "Don-tay". Didnt
anybody who worked on the dubbing know who Dante is?! The
sun will soon rise, trapping Santa on Earth (with consequences as
outlined earlier). Pitch has also convinced an armed family that
a murderous prowler in on the grounds, as well as arranged for
the police, fire department and Red Cross (!) to shortly arrive.
This is inconvenient in that Santa, of course, isnt never
supposed to be seen.

Santa calls for Merlin to help him. The message
is finally heard in Santas observatory, and Merlin tells
Santa to distract the dog with a stuffed cat from his toy sack.
It works, and Santa makes his escape. Pitch is hoisted on his own
petard when he gets sprayed by the firemen. "Hell
probably catch pneumonia," The Announcer approvingly notes,
"but he asked for it!"

Santa, with only seconds to spare, drops by
Lupitas to leave her a gigantic doll. Personally, that
thing would have scared the hell out of me when I was a kid, but
then Lupitas probably seen a lot fewer horror movies than I
did. As Santa makes it back to his castle, The Announcer tries to
cover-up Santas rather poor job performance.
"Hes happy, gay," he announces, "for once
again he has brought joy to the children of the world!"
Yeah, except for the like two billion houses he didnt get
to. No wonder everybodys parents buy their kids presents
rather than rely on this guy! The Announcer concludes the film
with "Blessed are those who believe, for they shall see
God." I say, Blessed are those who left their TV off, for
they didnt see this movie.

IMMORTAL DIALOG:

As Santa plays for various children in his
Toyland sweatshop, the Announcer introduces us to all the
relevant groups as this seven minute
sequence drags on and on:
"These little helpers are from Africa Here are
Santas helpers from Spain Tots from China lend a hand
as well Boys and girls from England Japan also helps
Santa talented children from the Orient [India, although
Santas sign just reads "Orient"] even
Russia has a delegation the group from France, headed by
Yvette and Pierre German boys and girls help Santa,
too Heres a happy song from Italy the islands of
the Caribbean the South American group includes Brazil and
Argentina the countries of Central America children
from the U.S.A. a neighborly group of helpers from
Mexico "

Er, would that be before
or after you, uh, finished Santa Claus off
forever?
Pitch makes a vow to his Evil Master: "Yes, I promise,
oh Priceless Prince of Hades, that by my many wiles I will finish
Santa off forever, and see that the children commit terrible
deeds, and make Santa Claus angry!"

Not even in Fox Mulders wildest, most
paranoid dreams
Our Announcer explains why we must abandon any hope of eluding
the iron hand of Santa: "This is Santas magic
Observatory. What wonderful instruments! The Ear-scope! The
TeleTalker, that knows everything! The Cosmic Telescope! The
Master Eye! Nothing that happens on Earth is unknown to Santa
Claus!"

Damn Japanese instructions! Are you sure
this is how you get this thing to work?
Pedro recites the incantation required to get Santas Big
Brother Observing Mechanism to seek out the unknowing Lupita:
"By thy magic powers, look for the child were seeking,
whether shes in a cave, or behind a million
mountains."
Santas big-faced contraption responds: "All righty."