KENNY
Well, if it ain’t broke. Hey, I’m gonna go grab some butter for the brownies! (runs OSL to a back room) The kitchen’s over here, right?

SEAN
Dude, I said, “no!” (firm, stands)

KENNY
(from OSL) Oh, come on! I’m pretty sure, judging from the look of this place, you can afford a little extra butter. (reentering with two sticks of butter in one hand, beers in the other) I grabbed a couple of brewskis from the ‘fridge, too, if that’s cool.

(Denise enters USR loaded with groceries, through front door)

DENISE
Honey, I’m home! (This phrase is resounding and annoying, perhaps even sung a la American Idol. Beat, sees Kenny, butter-in-hands, then, forcedly pleasant): Sean, who is this man? You never told me you were expecting company.

SEAN
(overblown, frantic, and a little embarrassed, but trying to seem enthused) Oh, Denise, this isn’t just some man. This is Kenny, my college roommate!

DENISE
(setting groceries down, speaks as if Kenny isn’t there as Kenny sets the butter down on a nearby table, fidgeting slightly) Oh? You never mentioned him.

SEAN
(nudging her, not wanting to hurt Kenny) You sure you don’t remember? I know I’ve told you about him.

DENISE
(coldly) Hmm. I must have forgotten. (gasps, indicating bowl) Is that what I think it is?

SEAN
Well, it —

KENNY
(hurriedly, protecting his friend more than himself) Oh, no, no, no! This, madam, is potpourri. I thought it would complement your home nicely.

KENNY
(eager to change the subject, hops over couch, beers in hand, leaving one on the coffee table for Sean as he half-sits on arm of couch) Don’t mind if I do. (mainly to Sean) So… you two aren’t living together?

DENISE
(taken aback) Oh, no. I have my own place. That just wouldn’t be proper, you see.

KENNY
(glares knowingly, then smirks at Sean) Well, we were best friends all through college. It was, uh, pretty wild, I must say…

SEAN
Oh, Kenny, don’t exaggerate.

DENISE
(interested, then cordial again) Oh, really? You’ll have to tell me all about it, Kenny. (Now as if Sean isn’t there) Sean never talks about his college years. (with a wave of her hand) Here, do sit down, Kenny (pats couch invitingly as she walks by it with a bag of groceries).

DENISE
(Not hearing Kenny) Oh, isn’t it great? I just love all the fierce competition (makes feisty punching motions) in this show. I’ll go grab us some munchies! (exits OSL)

KENNY
(incredulously) Did you tell her about anything that happened in college?

SEAN
No! She doesn’t know about any of that stuff yet.

KENNY
(now indignant) How? That’s a whole four years of your life swept under the rug! And I’m your best friend!

SEAN
(sheepishly, taking a seat on couch but not his beer) We just never got around to talking about it.

KENNY
And the two of you have been together how long?

SEAN
Uh… three, maybe four months?

KENNY
(Hurt, then anxious to move on) Yeah, sounds like a complete accident. But, you know what? I haven’t seen you in ages, so let’s just have some fun. Just relax, man, you’ve turned into such a tight-ass!

SEAN
Well, Kenny, I’m not in college anymore. I’ve had to make a few changes.

KENNY
Clearly. (takes another swig) I just can’t believe she buys that “waiting” crap.

SEAN
(Ignoring the last part) Kenny, I had to do something. My life wasn’t going anywhere, I wasn’t getting shit done. So I cleaned up my act. It’s something we just have to do. I mean, I have responsibilities now. See? (waves business cards, from holder on coffee table, in Kenny’s face)

KENNY
(cynical but amused, takes one) Business cards? You’ve become such a stiff… (mocking) Sean K. Davidson, financial adviser. Who woulda’ thought? (but then pensively, after sighing) You’re not at all the guy you were in college, are you?

(Denise returns from SL, bearing cheese and crackers).

DENISE
(enters from kitchen) Here. I got you some brie cheese. Oh, and it’s great with these crackers! (singing again) They’re Wheatables! So, tell me about college, Kenny! I want to hear all about it.

SEAN
Oh, no, I can tell you all that stuff later, Denise. I want to hear what you’ve been up to lately, Kenny. (to Denise) Don’t you, honey?

KENNY
(Amused, suppressing a snicker) “Honey?” Is that part of your “Denise voice?”

DENISE and SEAN
What?

KENNY
“Babe?” “Honey?” I’m sorry, you just get this whole new “way of being” when you’re with her. (sarcastically) I guess it must be love.