(Closed) How to speed things up (long)

Me and my SO of 2 years recently had a pregnancey scare, and I found myself kind of sad that I wasn’t because I know a baby would speed up the engagement (plus I am ready and want to have his children). I know a lot of women mistakenly think this, but I am positive because he actually told me when we talked about it that if I had been, he would have proposed while I was preggo. We established early in the relationship that I would not under any circumstances walk around pregnant with his child without a ring. He agreed. Plus I know he really wants children and to ideally be married before they come into the world.

But I would much rather him propose because he thought it was the right time, rather than because of pressing circumstances like a pregnancy. Although I am ready for children, I would want him to feel just as prepared as me (he is 25 and finishing up school, I am 28 with my degree). So I have been contemplating other ways to gently nudge him in the right direction sooner.

The other day we had an in-depth conversation about getting married that HE initiated. He suggested the island he wanted to have a destination wedding on, I suggested the location, and he actually looked up the place online! We talked about how many guests (50 each), and I told him I didn’t want a big wedding, but he said he wanted that for me. We talked about everything from eloping to just having our parents there. He made me promise not to make him go dress shopping with me, haha. He volunteered who his groomsmen would be and asked me who my bridesmaids would be. I mean, he was REALLY into this discussion. He said the only thing stopping him from getting married right now was finances. And I asked him if finances are also a reason for us not being engaged. He paused and thought about it and said “No, I guess not.” I didn’t press the issue any more, but I plan to bring it up again.

So here are some things I am thinking about bringing up to him to make him want to propose sooner.

1. Take away most (if not all) of the pressure of proposing, and suggest that we get engaged the non-traditional route…just go to the store, pick out a ring together, pay on it or buy it on the spot, and then say we are enegeged. This would take away the whole “It has to be the ultimate romantic surprise, omgomgomg how am I gonna pull it off” jitters.

2. Point out to him that his brother and sister who are younger than him both got engaged, (without any convincing on the part of the females), and with him being the oldest, and me being older than those ladies, he should speed up the process! I never brought this up because I don’t want him to feel bad about it, or like we’re on someone else’s timeline, but I may have to play this card!

3. Convincing him that we should get engaged now as opposed to after he finishes school, and have a long engagement so he can “prepare himself” for marriage. He actually took a semester off recently, so he won’t be graduating when he had orignaly planned. And while I am fully supportive of that since he works full-time and could not really enjoy his summer, I also don’t want his delay in school to postpone the engagement. He always said when he finished school he would be ready, but since that’s getting pushed back, I don’t think it’s fair that the engagement should too. (I never mentioned to him how I feel about this, by the way.)

4. The other point would be timeline. When we moved in I told him that we should not reach a year without being engaged. And I meant it, and he knows that. But that doesn’t mean he won’t try to test the boundries (men, smh). So to reiterate that, I almost want to move the timeline up. Sounds backwards, I know. But I need him to know that a year was the absolute longest I am willing to wait, and prefer an engagement sooner. I haven’t brought up the timeline since we talked about it in May. We moved in together in May, but had already been practically living together for a year, just not officially.

Are any of these just wrong? Or do you think any of them would actually work? I want to choose my position carefully, because I only plan to bring this up once, so my “argument” has to be solid! I would greatly appreciate any suggestions from other Bees.

OMG are you seriously considering trying to rush? To convince him to propose?

This is full of fail, I’m sorry. Have some self respect and dignity – if you want to propose, that’s one thing (and so is walking if he doesn’t do something by your timeline – but WITHOUT ULTIMATUMS)… but to try to ‘convince’ someone to propose earlier than they’d intended is a horrible idea. And imagine how you’d feel afterward, knowing that you forced him into it? Not awesome.

You’re still in school! Lady, let life happen! It sounds like he’s on the same page, you just need to let things happen naturally. Sheesh.

To answer your questions in your last paragraph, YES. These are ‘wrong’. No, I dont think any of them would work.

I absolutely do not think it’s a fail to want to speed things up. I know him, he drags his feet!

It comes down to whether we should take longer to get engaged, and have a wedding soon after. Or whether we should get engaged sooner and have a longer engagement. I’d prefer the latter, he would probably go with the former if I didn’t express my desire.

Nothing wrong with letting him know what I want and trying to meet in the middle! I think younger men have a tendency to take their time. And by nature older women are ready sooner. But we both have to be respectiful of where each of us is in life. It doesn’t just go one way. He has to acknowledge where I am as well.

I say just stick to your original timeline of 1 year. It sounds like he is into the idea of getting married as he started the ‘wedding’ conversation so hopefully it will happen before the 1yr timeline is up. I have to agree that anything more than maybe letting him know you are very serious about the timeline seems a little too forced. I am waiting too so I understand wanting him to hurry up and propose already!! Good luck!

I say just stick to your original 1year timeline. Anything more than making sure he understands you are very serious about that timeline seems like too much. (And I think its ok to let him know that you would rather not wait until the very last day of the year for a proposal). He brought up the ‘wedding’ conversation so it sounds like he is on the same page as you in that regard. I am waiting too so I totally understand wanting him to hurry up and propose already!!

@misskittykakes: I see what you mean. I know 1 year is reasonable…but what I don’t want to happen is for May to roll around, and for him to have been procrastinating. You know? I am trying to figure out how to let him know that May is not when I want a proposal by….it’s more when it becomes unacceptable that he even took that long.

Sorry if I seem harsh….I am just of the belief that the decision of when should be made by both people, not just one. And I definitely do not pressure him in real life…just releasing some steam on here 🙂

I agree with your point that you should not live with him longer than a year without an enagement. That is totally fair and it’s what I told my husband. No way am I playing wife without the benefit of marriage for any longer than that.

But the rest of your ideas sound really pushy. He IS younger than you, three years, which if you factor in how slow guys are to mature it really translates more into five.

Anyway, try and stick to the year timeline (you just moved in with him) and don’t say anything in the meantime. And don’t get pregnant “accidentally on purpose”. That would be a huge mistake.

If it takes a pregnancy for him to want to propose to you, this is not the guy for you. You shouldn’t have to accidentally spawn to spur him into action. Red flag. You should never have to talk someone into marrying you. It should be something they want to do already.

@PutABirdOnIt: Everything you said is very true. Thanks for the perspective.

I don’t know about NOT saying anything before the one year mark though! I know my man and he needs the nudge. However lately he’s been getting it from others (friends and family), so maybe I won’t have to 🙂

Although you are only three years apart, the difference between a person’s late twenties and early/mid-twenties is astounding. It’s such a weird decade to go through. I’m 29 and I think back to when I was your SO’s age and the change is mind-boggling. The self-discovery and maturation that happens from 25 to 30 is significant. Add that in with the fact that men mature slower (it’s a scientific fact…not hating on men) and that they can have kids forever, and you’ve got a little wait on your hands!

From what I understand, most men need a little nudge before proposing. I’m not talking about vicious shove off of a cliff (ie: a pregnancy scare), but a gentle elbow to the side (like a discussion once or twice).

Of your list, the only rational point I saw was this.. “When we moved in I told him that we should not reach a year without being engaged. And I meant it, and he knows that.“

By all means, bring up your timeline. Changing it to make it shorter would be serious pressure. Just gently remind him of your stance. If he knows you mean it, he’ll understand loud and clear. Also, number 2 isn’t convincing at all… there’s no reason to make engagement sound like a competition. It’s a big turn off to guys.