Monday, December 26, 2011

If it was not the worst...one of my worse Christmas ever...
No harmony at home because of my parents...
Good thing my siblings and I are very neutral..We all just wanted peace and quiet around our home...
Well, enough said of the bad things that happened...

I thought that, after the confession with "Fireworks", the poem and song writing that was all inspired by him, I am over him.
But now that I'm in my solitude for days, and I can contemplate on anything in my mind, he creeps in. The memories with him, what I said to him, what he said to me, the only phone conversation we had, everything. I couldn't say that I'm going back to the start that I'm trying to forget him, but I'm definitely NOT YET OVER HIM.
The whole dilemma kept playing on my mind. What if I didn't told him that I like him? What if we met on my birthday? But my mind kept on answering that I told him how I feel because I know there is a big chance that we will never see each other again. And the thought of losing him without telling him pains me more that losing him completely just because I told him. So I did tell him how I felt in a very poetic text message.

'"Love is giving without expecting something in return" -if that is bullshit for you, then I might be bound for doom. But just the same, I want you to know, you're the beautiful dream that I don't want to end. Unfortunately, the dream is slowly taken away. Nonetheless, thank you for the dream & friendship.;) '

I realized I never regret saying this to him. Even if I get the chance to turn back the hands of time, I would do it again. Why? It's because I choose between Losing him and Not Telling him OR Losing him but I got the chance to tell him what I felt and he is important, at least.

I know I fought a losing battle, he doesn't have a girlfriend, but I can sense that she is loving some girl. And my fears was confirmed by our friend after I told her that I confessed to him. I never asked any of the details, I know she don't want to divulge any information because she doesn't know much, and that I'm a coward thinking it's best for me not to know anything. I was very afraid to hear the truth that he loves someone. That his heart is breaking for that someone, the way my heart breaks for him.

I know we are just friends. We've known each other only for a few months. But these few months that we hanged out together was the most meaningful months I've been since I transferred in my school. Maybe it was the months that I've acted myself for the first time since I entered law school. I've been true to myself and true towards him because he made me realized that I'm no longer a law student outside the classroom and I'm allowed to be myself and act quirky outside the class. That i can live my life normally without thinking of any eye looking at me. And for that I will eternally be grateful.

I can say that I am regaining, little by little, my adventurous side. My risk and adventure seeking days that once left me are now coming back. I've regained my freedom while in law school because of his thoughts.

I know that he is just another guy in my life that taught me a lot. I know that as the days passes by, there is this feeling that I might be slipping away from his memory because I'm not that important in his life. And it pains me just thinking about this unrequited love I have for him. But what can I do? I can only do so much, yet everything will fall in his hands. He should make a move if he wants to. But clearly he is not making a move. I think I can tell if I've been blown off by a man. Or as what our friend told me that he didn't rejected me.... But I thought that if he didn't then why is he not saying that he likes me back. It is unclear for me, but I'm just thinking that he is just too nice to turn me down.

I wanted to end my feelings for him, but it's much of a challenge to do it when such man is too nice. I can't think of any way to hate him. I can't think of any trait, physical, intellectual or emotional. So that's why I'm trying to think that he blown me off so that at least I can move on. I hope I can. Let's see if I can...even though he replied to my Christmas greeting.

I believe that a girl cannot say anything and everything without filtering.
Even a liberated girl cannot talk without any restrictions.
A perfect example of such girl is me.
I can say that I'm a conservative-traditionalist Chinese Filipino Girl who is open minded about her environment.
I cannot say very delicate, sensual, racy or sensitive words, but can say profanity only up to certain degree.
I cannot even directly tell a guy that I like that I liked him.
And for that, I can only hush up and let him feel my affections.
However, I have defied that rule quite a couple of times, so far.
And I must say, i haven't regret telling them. I carefully pick those people that I tell of my feelings towards them.
And so far, they are nice guys who knows how to be gentlemen.
However, there were times that I could not contain what I felt and resort into diversionary tactics, like poetry or song writing.
Yes, I'm not only a singer, but I sometimes try to write songs...or lyrics for that matter.
And sometimes, I put my feelings in poetry.
I know it is so cheesy. But I like romanticism. I like people who appreciates poetry of the Renaissance era, of Shakespearean Language. I like people who can appreciate my art....and me.
I recently got my heart broken opted to pour it all out to poetry writing.
I suddenly realized that every time I feel a very strong emotion, most especially when I'm in love or heart-broken.
I suddenly had the urge to get a paper and write whatever love I have.
Most likely, the guy will never read this poem and will not even know this.
But I hope, that anyone who has the opportunity to read this can appreciate this innocent poems...

Yes, I have many attempts on getting back to blogging. but due to time constraints and lacking of anything to say because of constrained life since august, I have been prevented or avoiding my blog site.
But because of my strong emotions recently, I found my way back to blogging.
Now, I updated my page and hopefully I can update my page every week.
I am planning to engage in a lot of fun activities this season, so I hope I can post a lot of articles/ramblings again.
hope that you enjoyed the changes...^_^

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

October 4, 2011
3:55 am
I just finished watching “Eat, Pray, Love”. It was based from a novel of the same title. It really struck me, touched my heart like I should have a long time ago. It talks about forgiving yourself and others after a break up. It talks about rebuilding yourself after being destroyed. It talks about loving yourself first before being loved by others. It talks about being happy alone to be happy with someone.
I know ever since that I should live without regrets. Well, that is what I’ve been trying to do since I learned that line. But it seems it’s the hardest life lesson I have to live. It is impossible to totally live without regrets. But at least we have to try to. There are things in life that we could have change, but we didn’t. For ever mistake that we make, we should forgive. Forgive ourselves first, in order to forgive others. I think forgiving me was the hardest task I should do. I am not a perfectionist, but I wanted to be in control. I wanted things to go my way, at least in my life. But when things don’t end up with what I want, I get upset, disappointed, depressed and regretful. The memories just keep coming back like an old broken record. It keeps playing in my head over and over again. I know I should change this. Sometimes I wanted to just erase that part, that moment that I am regretting. But I can’t. It cannot be undone. What I can only do is to forgive myself. Forgive, even though I cannot forget.
In the end, I realize that whatever hurt I felt, I need to love. We all do. Love is something that we shouldn’t be afraid of. Yes, love hurts. In loving there are risks that we have to take. It doesn’t matter how many times we lose. What matters is how many chances we take. Because the more we take chances, the more we can win, like a lottery. I’ve been badly hurt before, and I swore that I would never love again. But here I am now, trying to take chances, trying to look for that person who will love me for all of me. I haven’t said I found it, but I’m trying. Patiently waiting but making opportunities for me to meet that man. Love is not easy to find. It takes a lot of guts, opportunities ad effort to find the right person for you. But we can only hope that every person that comes in our lives can be the right person for us. And we have to take steps of risks to find out if that person is right for us. Otherwise, we end up gaining nothing and losing everything, instead of gaining even just a little bit.
As I end this article, I hope that people will try to take risks. I hope that those people who lost sight of their dreams ambitions and love can regain their enthusiasm in finding it. I hope that somehow I spark a feigning fire inside their hearts.

I thank God, destiny, and the universe for this life. I would never change it for what I've been through. Even though there are a lot of failures, sorrow, difficulties and obstacles in my life, I've been very thankful for it. I've faced it head on strong, because if it wasn't for those, I would never be stronger than before. as the saying goes...

"what does not kill you, will make you stronger"...

I've been strong..stronger than ever...

I've always tried to improve myself ever since..

I was a weakling, but now I'm strong willed.

I was a naive, now I can defend myself.

I was lacking of knowledge, now I've put more than normal what's in it.

Weakness is a flaw that I tried to get rid of. Every time I get hurt, I would prefer to make myself stronger and infallible.

I got my <3 broken a lot of times and I've gained wisdom from those experiences.

I erased that naive girl that I was. I know I'm not emotionally strong in those times. But I wanted o show the world I'm stronger than they could soil my spirits...

I've been an emotional hopper. I've been a serial monogamist. I've liked a lot of guys in the past. I could say I've fallen in love few times. and those times made me the happiest and the saddest girl I've known.

But sorrow is not an easy thing to explain to the world. So I've erased sadness in my face and just give a smile. Smile is easier to explain and dealt with.

I've tried to replace every guy that hurt me with another guy whom I can like even just for a while. Just for the sake to say to myself that i can have another guy in a minute and did not need those person or guys who've rejected or abandoned me.

And I've become interested on knowing the norms of the opposite sex. I tried to understand the way they think, talk and act. I tried to adopt the way they think. And in the process, I've gained a lot of guy friends, all of whom are platonic. not a single one is romantically linked.

A lot of people suspected me to be romantically linked with them. but even though they were pushing and insisting on those things, but still nothing happens. And worse, romanticism ran away more.

I've been so engrossed on how the way they think... that slowly, I began to think like them, talk like them and act like them.

I've become emotionally close with them that they didn't see the girlishness in me, but only a friend...a man trap in a girl's body. The person they can always talk to. The Ms. indifferent that I trained myself to be.

I've always wondered why did i never had a real relationship. And now i know the answer.

And its because I subconsciously walk away from it. I dismiss it from the moment I sense it. I was afraid to show how loving I could be. I wanted so much to be as strong as a rock, that I forgot how to be as soft as a cotton.

I tried to desensitize myself from the romantic feelings i feel towards the person. I take away my being as a girl, that I'm left with only being a friend.

I was so afraid of being rejected and not accepted. The ego that I've been nurturing for a long time.

I was so afraid that letting them see how sensitive and soft I am will seem to make me weak.

I was so afraid of being left alone, sad and crying. That it left me being alone.

I was so afraid that i would make mistakes in life. That by not making mistakes, makes me left without nothing to remember as lessons for my life. I couldn't relate to some things I couldn't feel. I'm left with a pretty bubble wrapped in me, separating me from the real world.

Those feelings that I can never understand unless I for myself experience it and learn from it.

I've regretted a lot in my life. But I've tried to correct it by letting me make mistakes and not feeling guilty about it.

I've tried to get hurt, and to live.

In the meantime, I will be putting my heart back in a little box for safe keeping,and I'm gonna keep it there,until I find someone who really wants it and won't end up breaking it....

I'm hope someday I would have that someone who will complement me in my completeness and happiness. Some person that I could give my heart to...

Every time he walks in our class during Tax1(1st sem) and he started shouting at us, I would instantly forget what I read and memorized for the day. I would only remember what his questions, answers, jokes and life lessons at the end of the class. My friend said to over come this anxiety, we will say "Music to my ears" as our mantra. Now, his words, jokes and moral lessons that he imparts us during his lectures will never be heard anymore...I will never hear those "Music to my ears".

Sir, we will dearly miss you Atty. Francis "balbas" "Boy George" J. Sababan. May your soul be with our Eternal Creator. You will be remembered, forever. We love you sir. ='(

(I know this is kinda late for posting, but I just want to repost this from my FB notes)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Liars and betrayers are common in this world. It's a nasty thing to do by ordinary people. Anyone could do it. Even I can do it. But the only thing that divides us is the choice of not doing it.

I will not say that I haven't done it. But at least I have tried not to do it intentionally.

Lying is a common thing...We may lie about little things just to avoid problems. We sometimes say white lies. We sometimes say the big lies just to save our reputation. But one thing common about lies, are the fact that it brings bigger troubles when the truth comes out.

They hurt us badly. Sometimes to the point that we cannot forgive that person for hurting us. Maybe its not the fact that they lied to us. The lies can be so petty, but the fact that such person is so close to us, so dear, that we treated them as our sibling, have hurt us in a way that we regret being close with them. We shared a lot of secrets with them because we trusted them that they will not divulge such information. We chose them carefully. Yet they did what we feared.

Once the damage had been done, its hard to get over it. The healing process will take time. The person cannot trust automatically, with such person or anyone. Sometimes, such experience leaves another jaded that it cannot be healed. Sometimes, it hurt us so badly that he is left with no choice but to change. Change his perspective in life, his principles, his manners, his attitude and the way he looks at others.

But the hurt can be healed. It will take time. But it will definitely come if we want to. Sometimes all it takes is a simple sorry from the person who have hurt us. All it takes is time to pass by to naturally heal all the wounds.

Monday, March 14, 2011

I thank God, destiny, and the universe for this life. I would never change it for what I've been through. Even though there are a lot of failures, sorrow, difficulties and obstacles in my life, I've been very thankful for it. I've faced it head on strong, because if it wasn't for those, I would never be stronger than before. as the saying goes...

"what does not kill you, will make you stronger"...

I've been strong..stronger than ever...

I've always tried to improve myself ever since..

I was a weakling, but now I'm strong willed.

I was a naive, now I can defend myself.

I was lacking of knowledge, now I've put more than normal what's in it.

Weakness is a flaw that I tried to get rid of. Every time I get hurt, I would prefer to make myself stronger and infallible.

I got my <3 broken a lot of times and I've gained wisdom from those experiences.

I erased that naive girl that I was. I know I'm not emotionally strong in those times. But I wanted o show the world I'm stronger than they could soil my spirits...

I've been an emotional hopper. I've been a serial monogamist. I've liked a lot of guys in the past. I could say I've fallen in love few times. and those times made me the happiest and the saddest girl I've known.

But sorrow is not an easy thing to explain to the world. So I've erased sadness in my face and just give a smile. Smile is easier to explain and dealt with.

I've tried to replace every guy that hurt me with another guy whom I can like even just for a while. Just for the sake to say to myself that i can have another guy in a minute and did not need those person or guys who've rejected or abandoned me.

And I've become interested on knowing the norms of the opposite sex. I tried to understand the way they think, talk and act. I tried to adopt the way they think. And in the process, I've gained a lot of guy friends, all of whom are platonic. not a single one is romantically linked.

A lot of people suspected me to be romantically linked with them. but even though they were pushing and insisting on those things, but still nothing happens. And worse, romanticism ran away more.

I've been so engrossed on how the way they think... that slowly, I began to think like them, talk like them and act like them.

I've become emotionally close with them that they didn't see the girlishness in me, but only a friend...a man trap in a girl's body. The person they can always talk to. The Ms. indifferent that I trained myself to be.

I've always wondered why did i never had a real relationship. And now i know the answer.

And its because I subconsciously walk away from it. I dismiss it from the moment I sense it. I was afraid to show how loving I could be. I wanted so much to be as strong as a rock, that I forgot how to be as soft as a cotton.

I tried to desensitize myself from the romantic feelings i feel towards the person. I take away my being as a girl, that I'm left with only being a friend.

I was so afraid of being rejected and not accepted. The ego that I've been nurturing for a long time.

I was so afraid that letting them see how sensitive and soft I am will seem to make me weak.

I was so afraid of being left alone, sad and crying. That it left me being alone.

I was so afraid that i would make mistakes in life. That by not making mistakes, makes me left without nothing to remember as lessons for my life. I couldn't relate to some things I couldn't feel. I'm left with a pretty bubble wrapped in me, separating me from the real world.

Those feelings that I can never understand unless I for myself experience it and learn from it.

I've regretted a lot in my life. But I've tried to correct it by letting me make mistakes and not feeling guilty about it.

I've tried to get hurt, and to live.

In the meantime, I will be putting my heart back in a little box for safe keeping,and I'm gonna keep it there,until I find someone who really wants it and won't end up breaking it....

I'm hope someday I would have that someone who will complement me in my completeness and happiness. Some person that I could give my heart to...

The Fact and beyond

I am a pharmacist and a law student. I left the practice to pursue studying law.
I am a singer, musician, artist. I love to sing, write lyrics, sometimes I write songs, and definitely I love to write poems.
I am a wushu practitioner(if the is such a word). I train wushu whenever I can.
I am a life enthusiast. I want to travel, discover and explore places that I can.