Bad news from my orthopedic surgeon, guys. He says I have FOMO. It stands for Fear of Missing Out. My orthopedic surgeon has a lot of opinions about my social life. And my left knee. But who the hell cares about being able to walk when everyone is hanging out without you?

It’s devastating. You think you’re invincible. “I’m young, I take care of myself,” you say. “I pay my tithe to multiple gymnasia. I get Retweeted on the regular. I keep it 100. It can’t happen to me.” I’m here to tell you that it can! FOMO is no respecter of persons, chile! It’ll get you. I appreciate your support. I’m setting up a GoFundMe but in the meantime you can just PayPal me directly.

This is a new epidemic. I’m here to raise awareness (and funds. See: PayPal, above). But if you’re over there suffering in silence, I’m here…