LIES

I just tried on an ankle-length bathing suit and when my friend (Laura) asked me how it looked I had to tell her I looked too fat in it. We have reached new lows, America.

But then I came out of the dressing room and Laura explained that the part I was wearing as a belt was supposed to be around my boobs and then I felt fat and stupid. Plus, I broke a sweat just trying on clothes and then I was all “MOTHERFUCKER, HOW OUT OF SHAPE DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO NEED A REST IN BETWEEN TRYING ON SWIMSUITS?” Answer: Pretty damn out of shape. Then I moved one of the outfits left in the room by the woman before me and found this underneath it:

And I smiled, silently gave the graffiti woman a virtual high five, and felt for a quick moment, so much less alone.

I though I was going to die in a dressing room the other day. They really need to make those things like walk in freezers. Seriously. We should demand it. I’m tired of getting heat exhaustion from trying on shirts in a tiny mirrored room.

Stupid sweaty dressing rooms. Makes you feel A: Fat, B: sweaty and gross, and C: really, REALLY makes you NOT want to put the clothing on because how many women felt JUST THAT WAY before you and PUT THAT ON then TOOK IT OFF AND PUT IT ON THE RACK AGAIN.

OMG. So freakin’ awesome. And for the first time EVER in my whole fat life, I found a bathing suit this summer that I didn’t hate, from some website called something like swimsuits 4 all. I recommend. 🙂

I have yet to find a store that has adequate ventilation in the dressing rooms. Are they afraid we’re going to shinny up through the pipes with our clothes rather than pay for them?
I’m convinced it’s a plot to keep us from trying on clothes in the store and then being to embarrassed to return the stuff that doesn’t fit when we try them on at home.

I run 3-4 times a week and I still get sweaty when I’m trying on clothes. I’m going to the beach this weekend with my family. First time since giving birth 9 months ago. I bought a “slimming” swimsuit for the occasion, and after careful inspection of my body in said suit, I agree: LIES!

@me_mumstheword – I read that as “I nearly got stuck in a dressing room. I was on the verge of panic when I finally managed to get the damn thing off.” and thought: “How big do you have to be to not be able to take off the dressing room!!!” (:

I have to disagree there, though I totally appreciate the sentiment. That Gloria Vanderbilt stuff actually stretches so much, the clothes just fall off. The ‘stretches with ease’ part is obnoxiously accurate.

I hate reading these posts while I’m at work because I laugh and my co workers have NO idea what to think (they probably just think I’m insane). But I love this so much ❤
Also, Gloria Vanderbilt birthed the most beautiful man in the world. (<–that has nothing to do with this post).

I just spent a coughety cough cough on a “magic suit” and the only thing magic about it is that I was actually able to shimmy it over my ass. I was winded afterwards. Can you really call something magic that is just made 3 sizes smaller so that your appendages are bursting out of the leg/arm holes like a turkey day float? I want to mouth kiss the swan graffiti artist.

I love Graffiti Woman! So true. Those slimming suits are just a major pain. Personally, I prefer not to swim in a girdle! Put me down as another tankini fan! SO much easier to get in and out of, which is particularly relevant for bathroom breaks while at the pool/beach!

If by stretches with ease it means squeezes you like you are 20 pounds of flour in a 10 pound bag then yes, it stretches with ease.
You know the people that make that shit are like a size 4 that don’t need anything to stretch, except their mouth around a sandwich cause they’re hungry, cause they’re a SIZE 4

I’ve lost 20 pounds and gotten into really good shape recently. I still hate trying on clothes. It’s bullshit how much women’s sizes vary from store to store. I wear a small some places and an extra large other places. So fucking annoying.

Oh Jenny, thank you SO very much for the laugh! I’ve been seriously down on myself for quite sometime because of weight issues. So having you put a lighthearted spin on these things is greatly appreciated! I can always depend on you to make me smile :O) Another lie….”one size fits all”, according to who? But then they try to make themselves feel better and change it to “one size fits most”. Which makes me feel like crap because I’m obviously a freak & an outcast for not being in the “most” category. ;o) Huh, what a crock of crappy!

And this, people, is why I buy things off the internet. Because you can try them on at home. And send them back if they don’t fit. Or, keep them because you’re so depressed and agoraphobic that a) you never leave the house (see: internet shopping, above) so can’t get to a post office and b) don’t need them anyway because you never go anywhere (see (a)). But at least the trying on is fun.
Great graffitto by the way.

I will let you all in on a secret – two piece maternity swim suits are full of awesome especially when you aren’t pregnant! The only downside is if someone recognizes the pattern as being maternity so go for the solid colors.

Lies? No, the Kraft Mac and Cheese box.. the opening.. that is a lie that the Kraft company needs to admit to. That perforated area? Not so effective. Unless, of course, you aren’t sufficiently frustrated enough by dinner time, the Kraft people will provide you a very quick and easy meal that you can not open.

I was the dressing room graffiti woman! OK, I wasn’t, but what are the odds she’ll show up here and post? I’m totally squatting on the dressing room graffiti credit. Um. Disturbing mental image. Anyway. You know.

Thanks so much for the laugh! I’m going on vacation to Spain with my boyfriends family in like a week and wanted to try to lose weight before then but have been sick and haven’t been able to manage it (stupid auto-immune disease) so I needed a pick me up for the thought of having to wear swimsuits while there!

FYI- I did find a really great suit this year at Target. It was made by Spanx and cost $50. They had three different paisley variations in color, and it looked great. However, you can’t change the fact that your thighs are more like one large thigh, and no matter how much you spend, you are what you are. It was the first non-skirted bathing suit I have worn in about 8 years.

Oh, God, I have been putting off buying a new swimsuit even though my current swimsuit is disintegrating. This does not fill me with confidence. But it fills me with laughter! Which sometimes makes me pee a little. Thank God for those little pee strips on swimsuit bottoms.

I LOVE the graffiti woman! Personally, I think the whole draw-string waited skirts need to make a HUGE comeback! (There’s just something comforting about a skirt that “grows” with me!) (Plus? Long skirks mean underwwear is optional…does NOT get better than that!)

I just have to tell you that I think you are the most hilarious woman on the planet. I picked up your book because I love a great memoir and it looked entertaining. Never knew I would laugh so much my stomach hurt. You rock!

I have a pretty normal body shape (damn sexy one, if im allowed my opinion) but even I cant stomach bthing suit shopping. pure torture. and then they shine down these overhead lights that are like “LET ME CAST SHADOWS ON YOUR ROLLS!” Im all “eff you, bathing suit dressing room. Im going to the nude beach”

My bathing suit is a tankini (I absolutely hate that word, but I don’t know what else to call it.). The top has a bra in it on account of my ginormously ‘gifted’ upper carriage. Wrestling into it is something I hope no one ever sees me do. It’s just not a pretty sight and involves awkward maneuvering and possibly olive oil.

the dressing room i was in the other day was apparently unairconditioned. because holy hell it was freaking hot in there … it was like trying to pull your jean shorts on after a dip at the beach (after you’ve gained 20 or so pounds more than the jean shorts should be required to hold.)
and if i hadn’t needed what i was there for and needed to care for my sweet three children at home … i swear i would have laid myself down and died.
and then i bought a swimsuit at costco … because dude. NO DRESSING ROOMS.

Yep! This makes me feel so much better! But that tag goes along with “instantly slimming”! You are not alone! I haven’t bought a new swimsuit in five years even though I have gone up and down in clothing sizes multiple times. It’s made of stretchy material! That’s my philosophy. That and the sun and I have ongoing disagreement. I have two shades white and lobster. It makes the whole two or three times I wear said swimsuit negligible. I am also that girl that keeps her shirt on.

I have been trying to envision what an ankle length bathing suit looks like. All I get when I search on Amazon or Google are sarongs or scuba suits. But a sarong wouldn’t be hard to get into. So are you buying a scuba suit?

If someone has a link to modern ankle length bathing suits, please post.

Those fat control suits are like wrestling your way out of the belly of a cobra, or whatever snake that is that eats you whole. There were a bunch of pajama jeans at a local thrift store and I almost bought a pair as a joke but I knew it would be a matter of time before I started wearing them normally.

I’ve honestly decided that in my internal war between “I Love Food and Liquor” and “I Want People To Think I’m Fit”, Team Food and Liquor wins every time. So I shoehorn myself into a tankini which rolls up over my gut, go to the pool with my varicose veins and drumstick thighs and say, “Fuck It, bring a Hard Mikes for me and a shot of tequila for my dignity” and read my book.

I am extremely sensitive to the sun. To the point that a sunburn can put me in the hospital. So I wear a diveskin when I want to go swimming somewhere with sun. It goes from chin to ankle to wrists. Decidedly not sexy. The trade off is that I can do something I love – swimming in open water or the ocean – without doing something I hate – spending a few days in the hospital. And for that it’s worth the stares.

FWIW, I generally break into a sweat putting on my diveskin. Spandex is really hot until you jump in the water.

All these horror stories remind me of that “Emergency!” (favorite show EVAR!) episode years ago–woman got stuck in her brand-new girdle and couldn’t breathe. Poor Johnny Gage had to cut her out of it. That sucker popped him in the face like a giant rubber band.

For those asking about swimwear that covers to knees, I just read an article on that and it mentioned three sellers, http://www.simply-modest.com/posecom/index.php ; http://hydrochic.com/ ; and http://www.divinitasole.com/designer If you google search for either modest swimwear or muslim or jewish swimwear quite a bit comes up. I second the love for tankinis although I found a “little black dress” swimsuit that I adore and put up with the wiggling and writhing to get it off when having to go to the bathroom when wearing it.

Went dress shopping last Sunday – not even swimsuits, mind you! Dresses! – and it was depressing, degrading, hot as hell, and I resembled one of the snapping, hissing alligators on Gator Boys because I was so irritated. Fortunately, no one was with me, so I was my own victim. But do stores really need to make it THAT bad of an experience? No, they do not and yet they continue to do so. Bastards.

Bathing suit makers are pure evil. I’m not sure they’re even human. When I finally caved to buying a new suit this year, I was horrified and baffled to find that my correct swimsuit fit is apparently TWICE THE SIZE I wear in other clothes. WTF? As if I didn’t feel bad enough, standing practically naked in front of floor-length mirrors.

Hilarious…and so true 🙂 I recently made the mistake of attempting to try on one of the bathing suits that promises to make you look slimmer. The sad truth is that the fat, while squeezed in at my tummy and waist, just seemed to come out at other openings of the suit. Not at all attractive. I settled on a tankini that covered my flaws, and didn’t make me want to vomit. Much better than the sausage casing I tried on first

See this is why I online shop…..someday, I’m going to open a store where the dressing rooms are kept at a nice cool temperature with fans in each one so you can try clothes on without becoming a big sweaty mess. And the sizes will be REAL numbers…what’s a double zero??? How can you be more zero than zero (or would that be less zero than zero?)?? Zero = nothing…you can’t be double nothing. Plus if you are that small, you musn’t physically exist.

Oh and this store? Will be staffed by really hot men and sassy gays (who may also be really hot) who will definitely tell you if your ass looks big in that, so you don’t waste money, time and effort on pants that are just not your pants.

So, I get branding imaging and whatnot, but why am I going to believe a swan about comfort waist pants? Do they even have a waist? And who has seen a fat swan? This is bullshit. Put a hippo on that shit and I might consider taking it seriously.

hehehe It’s good to see the truth every now and again – but never when trying on bathing suits. For what it’s worth, I got my swim gear at H2O this year. I bought swim pants and a vest because I just knew it was going to be an ugly season otherwise. They have lots of mix and match, but beware: they, too, may tell lies similar to the one you’ve shown.

I have always sweated whenever I went to try on clothes, no matter my size. And I am super pale. Super pale and sweaty = red face. I went to go try on a potential swimsuit a few weeks ago and after 5 struggles, I went to find another version. Looked in the mirror and scared myself. I think i scared everyone out of that area of the store. Like I was about blow or something. Like trying on swimsuits was not traumatic enough.

Right? I’ve got somewhere to be mid August – where I have to meet people and “mix in,” so I’m currently “AIMING” to fit into a goddamn size I never imagined reaching… 18! Oh, yeah, and they are Gloria Vanderbilt stretchy jeans with exact same decal – got them at Costco or Sam’s Club at “just the right price I’d pay for stuff I’ll probably never wear.” *They’ll never fit.*

Believe it or not, THIS is why I only go clothes shopping with my husband. He knows what looks good on me better than I do. If I go shopping without him, I end up depressed and waste hours to come home with nothing. He goes with me and I end up feeling beautiful and it is all thanks to him. Yah…I’m bragging. lol!

I vote for wearing shorts and baggy t-shirt in lieu of a swimsuit, but the health club out-votes me on this one. The worst thing in the world is NOT trying on bathing suits. The worst thing in the world IS actually trying to wrench the damn thing on in the dressing room of a health club without looking pathetic and fat. I lose every single time.

My brilliant idea of the day: All women should be given a mask to wear when they try on a bathing suit. This mask should make them look like their best friend. Women need the ability to look at themselves in the mirror and see someone they love, not someone whose flaws are the only thing they can focus on. Personally, I can be objective and tell my best friend if something looks good or doesn’t. I can’t do the same thing for myself.

Brilliant idea #2: No mirrors in bathing suit dressing rooms. All bathing suit shopping must take place with a buddy. This buddy is in charge of telling you if the suit is okay or not okay. You should be able to look down and see if your business is hanging out before you walk out of the dressing room. Do you really need to start getting critical of yourself? Let your buddy be your guide.

I love you so much!!! Thank you for the laughter you give me, and all the best stories that I make my husband and two teenage sons sit and listen to while I’m laughing so hard that I’m almost peeing myself….and then it’s mostly unintelligible…but still damn funny!

True story: I worked really, REALLY hard for a year on my diet and exercise, and I lost about 50 pounds. It was time to go shopping for a new bathing suit, and my mom insisted — INSISTED — on going with me for moral support.

Something you should know before we proceed: I’ve never been pregnant.

I had no idea what size I needed, so I found every black bathing suit that looked like a remote possibility and grabbed it in three sizes: the one I though might be right, a bigger one, and a smaller one. After struggling in and out of, like, 32 suits, I was sweaty and disgruntled. I was PANTING from the exertion of trying to get spandex over my sweaty body. WHY ARE DRESSING ROOMS SO FREAKING HOT?!

Anyway, I was very discouraged because nothing looked right. I was on the brink of tears. All that hard work and still, nothing fit.

My mom looked at me and said, “Huh… All that work you did to lose weight and your stomach still looks like you gave birth to twins.”

Today, is a very special and sad day for me. I just finished a 5+ month long project of reading all of your blogs from the very beginning to current. (I found you through Wil and Anne Wheaton on Twitter and fell in love immediately.)

Anyway, I’m sad that I’m done.. as I turned the corner from Dec ’11 to Jan ’12 I started to slow down and savor them because I knew the end was near. I blazed through your book. (I’ve read it twice, once on my Kindle and the hard bound version as well.) And I have plans to read what you’ve got on the Sexi’s site as well. Maybe the Houston Chronicle mommy blogs too, although my two boys are grown and in College already.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop in for the first time ever and let you know that I’m a new(ish) fan.. and say thank you. You’ve given me hours of laughter, head nodding, tears and entertainment in general. I have links bookmarked to some of your favorite things that I plan to go through as well, (Dadcentric, The Sneeze, Hyperbole and a Half, Cancer Diva). So I am especially grateful that you have opened paths into new and interesting things to me as well. Never stop being you. You are pretty awesome in my humble opinion.

Hey, Lillian. I’m about where you are, after more years than I really care to think about, in about 8 months I’m down from a 26 to a nearly 16. For jeans in our sizes you really can’t do much better than Lane Bryant, particularly if you want/need a little er…”flattening” in front. They dont’ have many options, mostly just straightleg, bootcut or flare and only about one or two colors (usually only one) but hey…jeans that fit and look pretty good? I’ll take that trade-off. Also good are JAG jeans, which I’ve only found at JC Penny’s and Von Maur, but the last time I looked at those, the price had exploded and the creeping crap phenomenon was starting to invade, because there’s nothing quite like a sz 26 ass covered in sequins and rhinestones, is there? Prices at LB generally aren’t too terrible, and you can get killer deals if you get you measurement for their jean sizing system done in one of the stores and then buy at the online outlet. Like really truly extremely good deals. Like I got a good pair of jeans for four dollars this past February good.

Seriously… I get bagged playing fetch with my dog. While I’m stationary on the chaise lounger.

It’s a new, all-time low form of laziness.

I also refuse to buy new bathing suits and just keep using the side-tie ones I had when I was thinner. Or, choose to go to a nude beach and then the naked, waxed 60 year old men make you look FABULOUS in comparison.

Those suits really piss me off. Because it’s all really a very simple physics problem. My very unscientific research shows that fat displacement occurs regardless of the strength of the spandex involved. In other words, the fat doesn’t disappear, that shit has to go somewhere!

I have severe eczema. I have to wear a wetsuit looking outfit, with SPF 75 in the material, to swim. It is from a sun protection online store called Coolibar. The bad news: I look like a loser, with long pants and long sleeves to swim. The good news: all that fabric covers my wobbly bits. So I don’t have to shop for swimsuits!!

This hurts my heart. If you wanna get together and have wine slushies while we discuss the merits of ascribing our worth to our body size (the secret is, there are none), I’m available.
I won’t share the entire torrid affair I’ve been through, twenty years running, but I often wonder: When I’m on my deathbed, will I hate myself for all of the agony over weight and physical appearance I’ve put myself through? I’m convinced that I would deeply regret it if I kept holding on to that much self-loathing. Easier said than done, to be sure. Let’s try though, shall we dear? We’re both TOO bad-ass.

I once retardedly thought trying on swimsuits while on my period was a good idea. HAHAHAHAHAHA No. An entire universe of No. I think next time I’ll drink before attempting it. At least then I won’t care how shitty I look.

You really need to post a link to an ankle length swimsuit. I have lupus and I’m photosensitive, so I have to cover myself from head to toe or I’ll break out in a rash and feel sick. I got stares when we went to Maui last year. I wanted to say “What, haven’t you ever seen someone swim in a UV long sleeved top, pants, hat and gloves? ” I really wanted a burkini because there are some really cute designs out there but the prices were too high. You should get a burkini.

I have to buy bathing suits with underwire because my boobs are so tiny that I look like a 12 yr old. I’m 26 and I can’t wear a bathing suit unless it has support to make me look adult enough. Sad and embarrassing.

Trying on a swimsuit in what you think is your size based on what you normally wear, but turns out to be at least two or three sizes too small, is a humiliating experience, I just went through it not too long ago for a picnic for my husband’s employer. Fortunately my husband was able to find a bottom that looked like shorts so it just had to fit well enough to not slide off while in the water and a top that was actually loose instead of tight and covered all of my stomach when he came with me the next day in another store because I burst into tears in the dressing room of the first store and had come really close to telling him I wasn’t going.

It takes a strong/brave man to look through the women’s swimwear with all of the not actually old enough to be wearing a bikini but they seem to feel like they must, and not feel out of place. When I was 14 the last thing I would have wanted to go in the pool in was a bikini, what gives!

I noticed the other day that Lee jeans all said, “Instantly slims you,” even on the size fours. Which made me think, “THIS is what our country’s problem is. Even women wearing size fours think they need instant slimming. Those of us squeezing into size 12s have no chance.

This reminds me of the time I tried on a sports bra… I thought I was going to have to steal it. I couldn’t get the F’n thing off! It took me about 1/2 hour. I was having breast surgery and the Dr. advised I buy one…. Ended up making DH wrap the girls with an ace bandage.

I’m petite and translucent so I just look like the walking undead on a holiday from the crypt.

Last Summer I was at the beach sitting in about 4 inches of water and I noticed my legs were glowing like a creature from the depths of the sea who emit their own light. I looked like a damn fishing lure.
I heard the theme from Jaws so I retreated to my towel…

I’m in shape. I’m pretty damn in shape. And I break a sweat trying on clothes, ESPECIALLY swimsuits. They’re designed to be ridiculously hard to get into and get out of and just wear. It’s the stretchy material — it’s a trifecta of tightness, stickiness once the least amount of sweat has been produced, and just general pinchiness once it’s on you. Seriously, swimsuits could give Copernicus a lesson in deranged hugs.

Oh…you are never alone. Especially when trying on bathing suits – the worst torture of the fashion world. (And this coming from someone who just agonized over squeezing into a bridesmaid dress.)

When I lived at the beach, the worst part wasn’t just trying on bathing suits, it was trying on bathing suits in the company of cute, fit co-eds. I can glory that they’ll lose their shape in time, but WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I’M COMPETING WITH THEM!

The same could be said for the Lee jeans….I mean they’re fine in the waist…but if you have thunder thighs with a slight poochy thing on the inner thigh area? Forget about it. That shit will only stretch for about 3 months before it rips through and then on top of being fat you have rub burns.

On a totally different topic — another rockin’ red dress photo hits the web. Maybe Vogue didn’t know it was an empowering RedDress photo for thebloggess when they published it — but what the heck, it is now!

You crack me up! Swim suit shopping is awful no matter what size you are. Now I just order several online and try them on at home – ship back the ones that don’t fit. That way you can have a booze slushy, or two, while trying them on and there’s always the option of taking a nap between suits 🙂

Boldest lie in all women’s clothing——–“one size fits all.” I want to put a condom display out there with condoms that are all about 18 inches long and mark it “one size fits all.” It would be just as accurate.

It’s like putting on spanx. You need to plan ahead, add an extra 25-30 minutes to your time allotted for dressing, and give anyone in the house a heads up, so when they hear the groaning and thrashing around they don’t think you’re being killed. Also, you’ll need a fan to stand in front of to dry the sweat from your labor, and never apply your makeup until AFTER you have applied your spanx… otherwise it will melt off your face, and probably be all over your carpet from the 10 minutes you rolled around on the floor, trying to get them up after you fell from trying to jump your way into them for the first 15 minutes.

It’s true about the maternity swim suits! They really do rock, and when I show up at the pool with the same one as the woman who is ten months pregnant I just stick my three-year-old in it with me. We are like a momma kangaroo and her baby, only with less fur and more people calling DFS on me.

This was hysterical, and a great way to start my morning. Not at your expense, but by the way you wove the story. I can’t even remember when I last wore a bathing suit. My sister got me a “flattering” one once, and put it on and if freaked me out. Yes, it fit, but I looked like a tropical island! It sits in the draw never to be worn again.. I would need some serious margaritas!

This reminded me of when I was a teenager and trying on bathing suits. I somehow got one on backwards with the straps tangled around me like a straight jacket. My mom had to rescue me. Swimsuits are the devil’s playground.

Oh how I love my local undies shop! They allow me to pick out a dozen swimsuits, take them home to try on in air-conditioned comfort and then return the spares and pay for the ones I keep. Greece may be bankrupt but it’s empty pockets are full of lovable oddities.

That is too funny. Not sure which part is better though… The sign or the needing to take a break between trying stuff on.
I’ll go with the sign as that way my wife wouldn’t kill me for laughing at her when this happens to her trying on things.

There is NOTHING less dignified than swimsuit shopping. Just did some myself last week .. with a fetal salesgirl who was utterly useless. What’s with the tryptich mirrors? There’s a reason the human head doesn’t swivel around completely: WE WERE NOT MEANT TO SEE OURSELVES FROM BEHIND. And don’t get me started on that lighting…