Friday, April 28, 2017

Keep a chart of the men you're dating, with the exact amount of money they spend on each date. That way, if two men want to take you out on the same night, you'll be able to tell at a glance which one to choose.

Make a little cheat sheet with information about your date, things you're likely to forget, such as his name, occupation, favorite food and so on. He'll be thrilled that you remember the name of his dog or the sports team he follows, and will be more likely to pick up the check at the end of dinner. Add more notes to the card during the date, in case you decide to see him again.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Immigrant parents continue to entrust their children to me while the deportation raids are in effect. In fact, so many parents are taking advantage of my Traveling Babysitting Service that I've had to stash some of the children in an associate's camper while I pick up new clients. Don't worry, the camper is hidden in the woods, so the kids won't be found, and it's on cinder blocks, so it won't be going anywhere.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Showing up unannounced at a man's place of work may upset him because he won't be properly prepared to receive you. He likely won't have a gift ready for you, and his clothes may still have that heavy smoke smell.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Grandmother is overseas, and she's left me in charge. As soon as the maid finished her tasks for the day, I locked her in her special room in the basement, as Grandmother had instructed. A little later, when I was back in my room, I heard a loud bang. I smelled smoke at the top of the basement stairs, and went to call the fire department, as I'd been taught in school. But before I reached the phone I heard the fire trucks pulling up outside. Jane was already at the door to let the firemen in, wearing her favorite red dress and fur stole. As I followed them down the basement stairs, Allie urged me not to tell the firemen that I'd been playing with Grandmother's chemicals. The fire wasn't on Grandmother's laboratory table, but over in the corner near the secret door to the maid's room. The maid didn't make a sound the whole time, and I wondered if she was okay. It didn't take the firemen long to put out the fire, but Jane kept them talking for a long time afterward. When the firemen finally left, I checked in on the maid, and she was fine.

Kiddies, I've collected my winnings from March Madness and I'm traveling overseas! Cindy has done such a great job letting the maid out every morning, that I've decided to give her more responsibilities while I'm gone. She will be in charge of assigning the maid's tasks every day and then making sure those tasks are completed, as well as locking her in at the end of the night. I think Cindy will do a fine job, and I've instructed her that should the maid get out of hand to simply threaten her with deportation, as I outlined in Episode 6 of my delightful program. I also reminded Cindy that she and the other Winsome Family members are responsible for updating the Grandmother's Fanny Game blog while I'm gone.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Putting an "I'm following Grandmother Winsome" bumper sticker on your car will help reduce the cost of living, for meter maids are less likely to write parking tickets to those with Grandmother Winsome stickers.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Always secure the ladder when your maid is painting the second story of your house. Because if she falls, it might make it difficult for her to complete her other tasks. Use sandbags, or, if none are available, tie a couple of fat neighborhood children to the base of the ladder. Safety first, Kiddies!

Here is a bonus tip: If you choose to have your maid perform her painting duties during daylight hours, when she would be in plain view to the immigration authorities, simply have her wear a Halloween costume that covers her entire body. A gorilla costume is a perfect choice.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Kiddies, if your maid is dangling from your window and calling for help, don't reach for your camera to record the event. Instead, quickly renegotiate her contract in your favor and then pull her to safety.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Kiddies, I became impatient while waiting for the basketball games to start, so I switched the channel to see what else was on, and I came upon a figure skating competition. Apparently, figure skating is a big deal in Finland. I normally avoid watching any type of sporting event that I don't bet on, but my attention was caught because one of the skaters was wearing an outfit dominated by Grandmother Winsome Pink. And then it occurred to me how to make figure skating interesting. Just have all the contestants take the ice at the same time. With those numerous sharp blades twirling in the air, something exciting is bound to happen. I expect to see this change implemented before next year.

I was sad to learn that Mexicans don't celebrate April Fools' Day. It was Allie's idea to tell the Mexican maid that the immigration authorities were at the door, but I was the one who actually played the prank on her. She started crying hysterically, and even after I yelled "April Fools," it took her several moments to calm down.