Category: re-wilding

I’ve been trying to pin point the words, to somehow capture and solidify my experience. In doing so, hoping to find some sort of solidarity that I can grab a hold of with both hands.

But it’s not coming. It’s not happening.

And then I remember what I signed up for.

I didn’t sign up for normal. I didn’t sign up for comfortable.

Somewhere way back when, my soul made a contract to be wild and free, so trying to fit this into its current surrounds is something akin to bringing the wild back into the city. It won’t fit anymore, in fact it’s likely to go more wild.

I see that Brene Brown has just released a new book, so I’m reading the sample pages available on Amazon.com. In the first pages I come across this snippet as she is discussing Maya Angelou in a 1973 interview. Maya says;

“You are only free when you realize you belong no place – you belong every place – no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great.”

To which I resonate so greatly, I cry.

In conclusion, I’m not going to find the right words, it’s never going to make sense, I am the wild space between the words that are undiscovered and free. It’s up to me to surrender to that, and come from that place. Wild makes no sense. Wild is WILD. This is why we feel at peace and at home within nature, our brain has to give up trying to understand it, and just get out of the way to come to peace.

So dear Heidi, give up the understanding and just own the wild and free that you.

While sitting in the Immigration Office in Bali, I was contemplating how much change my life has undergone, is such a short space of time. Living within a Silent Retreat has brought me back to simplicity & the heart of what really matters in life.

I now see the many many distractions we create in life to avoid the very things that matter most to us.

For me, there is now no where to run, no where to hide, but face the pressing iceberg that lays in front.

My creativity & mark in the world is forefront.

I witness the talk, the wanting to make a better world, to impact people near & far.

I have had to learn to be humbled in its process, to loose my agenda for what I want.

I have had to let go & surrender to hard untruths in a bid to dissolve them.

I’ve had to fall into a puddle in the floor to come back stronger & continue step by step, again without agenda, but to dance in enjoyment of that moment, because this is all there is. An agenda is an idea, attached to ego.

When the ego fails, we feel we have failed & so a death cycles begins.

Not to avoid death cycles, but to really live in flow as nature intended is the truth. The only truth.

Having all rugs pulled from underneath, all safety harnesses removed, no life raft near is the only way. A singular leaf blowing in the wind, landing where it will, when it will, is, natures way.

And so, I am but another leaf, a piece of Earth, a part of Earth, aiming not to try to be anywhere but here.

It is an interesting way to live.

Trusting in life to provide in each & every moment. As this is only where life is. Not tomorrow, not yesterday.

Each moment I choose what tasks fulfill me, what nurtures me & what supports all. It is only within this balance of viewing all that I can be available to think far & wide, beyond my ‘I’ in the world.

Talking about doing things is no longer an option. We have a responsibility to uphold. Sitting behind Facebook sharing painful truths is not going to be the change. It is one step to awakening the masses perhaps, but it is only being in action that will make the change.

Today I propose to play a part in the reduction of reducing plastic usage in Bali. To help educate the Balinese people that their plastic rubbish contributes towards ocean pollution & sea life death.

This is an agenda yes. But in voicing it, I can let it go, and carry on taking action steps. Little by little, in a bid to align to the Earths intention for balance & harmony.

Yesterday in my room, I contemplated living in the now, as I watched all the caterpillars that have cocooned themselves along the exposed frame work of my roof.

My room is much like a fancy outdoor tent. I’m protected from the elements, however in traditional Balinese style, it is open and breezy, so bugs & insects alike are free to come and go as they so choose.

I was contemplating these caterpillars, thinking, do they know what their destiny is when they embark on that trek up my wall?

Do all the caterpillars congregate together, having a meeting about their future, preparing each other for what they’re about to go through?

I sure as hell bet they don’t!

And so, that got me thinking about how funny it is, how we as human beings operate.
We pow wow with each other.
We talk about where we think we’re going.
What we think we’re going to do, create.
But the reality of those conversations is that we have NO idea! Those ideas lay in the future, and the future doesn’t exist. So isn’t it strange to talk and make plans for something that doesn’t exist?

And when we do, we create thoughts around what we think we’re creating, which then creates more thoughts, which conjure feelings and more thoughts, about something that doesn’t exist. Huh?!

I think it’s the strangest thing.

So these caterpillars, they embark on their mission. One tiny little catapillar foot at a time, up my bedroom wall. Until suddenly they stop. They build their cocoon, and they go into hibernation. If I understood that this was my destiny, perhaps I would never embark on that trek up my bedroom wall, and perhaps I might stay in the ‘safety’ of lingering on the ground, continuing to forage for food, getting fat.

Isn’t that an interesting metaphor to consider?

What is the gross population doing? Is it fair to say, getting fat? Not only just physically, but metophorically.

Our weight, our ‘fatness’, is the fear of the potential we have.

Having over thought every future potential (based on a belief system that is old), for ourselves and denied our forward movement due to fear?

There is comfort in safety, but is there satisfaction? I’m going to go out on a limb and say, probably not, other than short term satisfaction.

The more and more we continue to return to the present moment, the more we can find satisfaction in the now, and not look to the future for safety & security. As time only exists in the now, we will only ever receive exactly what we need in the now. Safety & security is simply an illusion we have been breed to believe exists. A ‘what if’ mentally that is based on future problems and implications. But if we are focusing on the future as a problem, with potential issues to prepare for, what are we really creating for ourselves? A fear based living in the now! Detaching from our abundance and the universe supplying exactly what we need in this moment, here and now.

The Job. Long Service Leave. Maternity Leave. The retirement fund. Owning the house.

Do acquiring these items invite you to live your greatest life?

Are they an expression of your creativity? You’re souls purpose in this lifetime? Do they give you a sense of satisfaction like no other? Perhaps they do?

I look at where I sit now in my life.

Since arriving in Bali 2.5 months ago, I have had to move into complete surrender around what I thought I was creating for my life.

I thought I was going to settle in Canada with the boy that I love. I thought I might build a successful online business which in time progresses into a retreat centre in the woods on Vancouver Island.

I thought, I thought, I thought. Then Bali. Bali wasn’t part of the plan. Not how I thought anyway!

In creating attachment to an outcome, to an idea, we create something incongruent within ourselves. An expectation. Cords & pulls towards something we feel we are entitled too. When that outcome is not met, we feel a sense of loss, an emptiness at something lost, that we didn’t actually have in the first place. Strange isn’t it?

So if there is no expectation. More a presence & expanse with living in the now, then there can be no disappointment. There can only be what is. A co-creation with the universe & a gratitude for what exists in the now.

The caterpillar doesn’t think – “I’m going to become a butterfly!”
He embarks on this journey because the call is pulling him forth.
He knows that he needs to do this, so he simply does it.
He surrenders.
He moves forth without expectation.
Taking one step at a time.
He shows up.
He is not attached to any outcome.
He is here.
He is only here.
We can learn a lot from watching nature and her rhythms.

Living in the now.

Our internal thoughts can appear to be a maze of corners, dead ends, expansive openings and whatever else you may not want to look at.
Having the support of someone guiding your delicate infrastructure can bring forth deep clarity.
Contact Heidi via email or message with your curious life questions.www.heidifirth.com or www.facebook.com

To create change in the world, I write for me. To connect with a story from my soul.
To give my soul a purpose. I like the idea of having no agenda.

There is so much freedom in no agenda.
The same goes for other areas in life.

When we have no agenda in everything we are free.
Free to be, do, say anything because its affect doesn’t matter.

All that matters is the moment and how we are in the moment.
Because the next doesn’t exist.

Not yet.
Not ever.

There is just this moment now.

An expression of who we are in this moment can only be who we are. Peace within is the very space we crave.
There is no peace without ourselves first and foremost.

We all long for quiet sanctuary.
Free from mind confines, and tasks, and to do’s.

A moments rest if only for a moment can be peace enough to fulfill desires.

But, what if desires are not fulfilled?
What if longing and a pull forward is where our minds are focused?
What if we are not living a now based life style?
Where are we then?
Where are we existing?

Life is full of experience.
PAST. PRESENT. FUTURE.
All are experiences of our humanness.

Learning where and how to work within these can be a key tool to navigate our minds.

Such power tools of destruction they can be if not used respectfully. Give space to unknowns and dissolve the illusion of control with our mind-work.
When ‘out of control’ is present we need presence.
The dance of polarities.

Such is life.

If there was one without the other, there would be collapse.
If suddenly opposite ends merges – then what?

An introspective BOOM!

Who knows?

The world will change as we on an individual level accept our personal change.

I wish for others to align to their path as and when they are meant to, this, is what I am in a hurry for!
But, this is agenda?

Let us really connect to our inner primate.
Let us truly align to that which brought us here, here to this incredible planet.

Go can go Paleo & eat your grass feed cow, sure.
Please do.

But tell me, would you messy your hands with the blood shed to do so?
This is your primal-ness.

Connect in with that before you preach to the masses about how & where to eat.

Talk to your farmer.
What is their names?
How were they raised?
What is their connection to the land?
Their tribe?
The spirits?
All land has depth.
A Story.
The spirits know this.

Look between the cracks.
The stories we have created about what is right & wrong.

We need to ask deeper, real questions, about what is right for us.
The land.
The planet and great well-being.

It is no longer ok, to accept what we are taught.
For what we are taught does not come from our own guidance.

Our inner guidance knows.
It couldn’t not.

You arrived here knowing this, but somehow forgetting.
Align. Connect. Breathe, and give space and the truth will shine through.

It will fill the space and shift the darkness and anything that no longer serves.

Expansion into areas of self… could be the key component to find your inner Guru. Creating change amongst the masses. We cannot continue how we are.
Busying & filling our lives with tasks, items, social engagements, property, STUFF, on the scale that we are. These items bring little to no true satisfaction.

We know this story, it is familiar to most.
But breaking out of this paradigm is the unique transition that few make. The courageous embodiment of living by your words, intentions & a presence greater than yourself, to honor and acknowledge.

Breaking the norm of what exists for us if we follow it, and embarking on that path covered with debris, pain & the crap that we really didn’t want to look at.

Social Media is our biggest catalyst for change, showing us what we need to look at, OR on the equal flip side, showing us what we are running fastest from.

Being in this blessed spirited Silent Retreat, I know for a fact, that I am doing time in the tank. I am doing the work, looking at my shit, and ploughing on through regardless of what shows up. 10 years prior, this would not have been possible for me. I wouldn’t have had the emotional strength & resources. I would’ve surrendered in the throes of my ego story and how I was safely living.

I remember going through my depression journey, it was an achievement to get out of bed for the day. I didn’t look at it as such, I couldn’t look at my day as a whole. I had to take that journey hour by hour, sometimes 30 mins by 30 mins. Anyone who’s experienced depression will understand this simple concept. One simply cannot function further than the short space of ahead, it is just to debilitating and overwhelming. Looking at the whole day is enough to send a sufferer back to the bed from which they came.

The journey of shifting paradigms – created by our parents, their parents, and their parents parents…is one that is embedded within us. It is undeniable and lives within our bodies cellular system. Which is why I agree even more, that this time, is such a special time to be alive. A separation is occurring. A breaking away. We are now in a position to accept that we are more resourced, maybe overly resourced than EVER before. We ARE safe. There is no denying this.
Our only sense of un-safety is from a world that is so ingrained in fear, that the separation from living within fear, by nature, will bring up ours, before the grande ‘hurrah’ of departure. The ones left behind living in this bubble, will kick and scream and manipulate their truth, selling themselves, to try to coax us back to them, to confirm that they are ok, and what they are choosing is ok. Re-feeding the fear within.

But once you’re out. You are out. Like Neo in the Matrix, there is no returning back up the rabbit hole.

What is life like once you’re out? Well friend, this is the great mystery. It is unique. It is magic. It is unwritten. It is messy. But guaranteed, you are in for one heck of an adventure.
Life IS messy.
It’s meant to be!
Look at nature by definition.
It is wild, expansive, life giving, beautiful & everywhere.

Us humans are a part of nature, how could we not be?
There is no us and them.
There is only we.
How and when did this separation occur?
When did you loose your beautiful wild messy self?

Images of child like play conjure up. The days spent playing in the back yard while Mum cooked, cleaned, pottered, created. Dad was doing Dad things and you, well, you played. For hours on end. Messy dirty grass stained feet, the biggest smile and energetic happiness emanating.

Now look at how clean we are. Cleaning products bountiful, streamlined produce in supermarkets vying for attention at their perfection. Neatly mowed lawns and manicured gardens. The commute to work – 1-2 people per car, all heading in the same direction. Eyes down at smart phone, interested in a reality that isn’t happening now, in REAL time. What are we doing people. WAKE UP!!

All these behaviors to keep us separated from who we really are. But this is the thing – we have lost touch with who we are, we’re so fucking lost! If you were uplifted from where you are right here and now, and placed in an unknown wild location with nothing but yourself – how would you cope? What would your primal nature guide you to do? Have you met your primal self? We are so built up in our concrete jungles, surrounded by windows of pretty things down every street. Look at me, buy me, your life will be better with me. HELLO!

It is interesting to ponder isn’t it? The separation between nature & city. And it is. Separation.

I open an invitation to you, to re-wild yourself. And I’m not talking about placing yourself in the wilderness armed with nothing but you – Bear Grylls style. Not yet anywho. Can you spend a day outside in nature without your phone. Can you wear no shoes and feel the earth beneath your feet? Can you forage for food, begin to learn what food grows naturally & is bountiful. Can you visit the local farm from where you purchase your grass-feed, free range meat? Can you rise with the sun & sleep as it goes down.

What are some ways you can connect back into natures rhythms, slowly, realistically before you are really smacked in the face?