Category Archives: PTSD

I don’t choose a life, I live one. Each day I see an opportunity to not only make a difference in the lives of others, but in my own life.

Each day I look for the chance to do something unplanned and off the wall. Sometimes others surprise me, sometimes I surprise myself. I will plan something, but am ready for those plans to change at a moments notice.

I live my life like the wind at times. While I stay grounded and plan for things that need planning, I am not afraid to change other plans as I go and do something far greater than I originally expected.

In the midst of my fears, anxiety and depression there is a tremendous amount of discovery and courage that has allowed me to face all of my fears and worries. Even being terrified of water, yet there I am body surfing in the Gulf. The fear of not living is the worst one of all and that fear I will defeat.

“Q: …We wanted to see if you had the ability to expand your mind and your horizons. And for one brief moment, you did.
PICARD: When I realized the paradox.
Q: For that one fraction of a second, you were open to options you had never considered. That is the exploration that awaits you. Not mapping stars and studying nebulae, but charting the unknowable possibilities of existence.”Star Trek The Next Generation – All Good Things

I small snippet of my favorite episode of STTNG. It has always been an inspiration. It, in my eyes, is about how the present and future can be affect by the past and you must deal with the destructiveness of the past to save your future. It showed how everything, past, present and future is connected.

For most of my life I was always there for someone else and many times I lost myself because of this. I never got to see who or what I was or explore my life to its potential. I was the sacrifice for someone else’s agenda or goal. My life was taken from me, now I’m taking it back!

This means removing and dealing with things that had or have a negative impact on my life. Removing people from my life that were unhealthy and bad influences. To finally set myself free and heal.

This has been my journey, dealing with destructive issues of my past to save my present and future. To experience that one brief moment of realization of all the possibilities of my life. To see what my life can really be and to experience and explore so much more of life. To open my mind to options I never even considered. To live!

So this last week I processed and looked closer at a major part of my life. For my entire life I was under the belief that I had suffered, as a teen and child, from severe Epilepsy. I had seizure, medication, doctor visits and all this to confirm that this was a true part of my past life. I have always been proud of the fact I beat the disease in my later teens and was able to move on from it.

Then it happened. Through counseling, family testimony and by my own memories I was able to discover that the truth is I never had Epilepsy, rather it was a misdiagnosis and as it turns out the truth was much deeper and sinister.

When I reviewed the facts things just didn’t add up about me having this disease including a large dosage of medications taken daily. On top of that I took various memories, shared by family members, and life experiences and put them together to come up with the truth of what really happened in my life. Once I pieced together these events and memories it became quite clear of what really happened and that I was abused rather than suffering a disease. I knew all along about some abuse, but I also knew there was more that I haven’t recalled yet.

Once I came to the truth it was like the darkness lightened a little and I felt more free. I am fortunate to have a great counselor who has let me find the truth on my own, who has helped me understand myself and come to terms with my past.

What do you do when you discover parts of your life were a lie? When something you went through and overcame isn’t exactly what you thought it was? When people you trusted fabricated events, symptoms and other things for their own selfish reasons, often at your expense?

You were held down, held back by something out of your control.

You get angry, but then celebrate at the truth and realization that no matter what it was…YOU BEAT THE SYSTEM! You take control and you move forward knowing that the past does not define you now nor will it ever.

I’m free! Don’t mess with it! It’s my game now and if you come against me, rest be assured your only winning move is not to play!

I sail this sea of my life; I feel the waves as they rock the boat. I see now ahead a great storm fierce and intense. I can see the bow of the boat rise and fall as the waves get stronger and larger. The winds blow hard as my craft rocks side to side rising and falling in the now harsh waves.

Dark clouds ahead of a mighty storm and I realize I cannot go around it and it’s too late to turn back for I can no longer out run it. I see this storm of truth filled with winds of rage, rains of hurt and ravaging waves of anger and pain.

Many have now abandoned ship leaving me to ride this storm alone, for only I can go through this next phase of my life, only I can see the truth for what it is. Many of you have stayed and will be there when the storm clears to show me back to harbor.

I feel the boat rock violently as the storm now rages even closer and I know that all I believed, all I have lived for may soon be up heaved and tossed, only to sink in the end leaving me adrift on whatever wreckage I find to hold, but I will not perish nor will I give in to the storm. What is worth keeping I will save, but the rest can sink…let it go and let it sink.

I approach the storm eyes wide with fear staring straight ahead of what is soon to come. My hands clutched tightly to the wheel holding on on as hard as I can as I steer through the turmoil facing me. I hear the creak of wood, I watch as the sails tighten in the wind and feel the shake of the masts as they try and hold the sails.

I face now the only decision I have to spare “Full speed ahead…I’m going through!”

During the war of 1812 it was only a sapling. But over the past two hundred years it grew into a mighty tree. It became massive and mighty. Stronger than any other tree around it. Branches that stretched 50 feet in any direction and were so huge that they needed iron posts to hold them up.

The tree was proud of how it grew, of its size and strength. For years it stood strong and rooted holding its ground. All the other trees looked up to it and admired it. “Oh how I want to be strong and mighty as that tree” they said in admiration.

The tree was proud and strong and earned its respect over the centuries. There was no other as big, strong or as beautiful as this tree. The tree was happy of the life he grew into. Happy to stand in the sun and feel its warmth providing shade for all who needed shelter in the heat of the day.

The tree was strong.
Then the storm came.

The tree was mighty.
Then the storm came.

The tree was tall and proud.
Then the storm came.

At first the tree worried not. It was strong and deeply rooted and the winds were not even noticeable at first. But the winds blew stronger and the tree could feel a few leaves fly off and the branches move a little. But it still did not worry for it was strong and mighty. But the winds grew even stronger and the branches started to move back and forth in the wind. But even then it didn’t worry for it knew it could withstand these winds.

But now the winds started to howl and blow harder and the branches started dancing back and forth in the winds and the tree started to worry a little, but still felt it was strong enough to withstand the storm. And then the winds grew mighty and the trees branches whipped back and forth in the wind. The tree began to wonder if it will survive the storm? “Am I strong enough? Am I mighty enough?” it asked itself.

Small branches broke off and flew away waving in the wind as if mocking the tree. The larger branches started to twist and turn as they waved back and forth as the winds grew even stronger. The branches would twist and crack and small splinters would shoot out from underneath the bark. Then came the rain that poured down on the tree. What once gave life was now bringing death, what once brought hope now brought despair.

Then in a sound of thunder the largest branches twisted and broke free. They fell to the ground in a thunderous crash at the base of the tree. The waters of the sea rose and made its way towards the tree. The storm grew even stronger and it felt as if the tree was to be pulled up by its very roots, but the tree held on.

The waters now covered the bottom of the tree. The ground was no longer visible as the waters rose even more. “Is this it? Is this all I am to be after all these years? To be washed away, a faded memory of what once was? Forgotten in time?”. But the tree held on even as the waves crashed against its trunk threatening to uproot it.

The water rose even higher and soon covered the tree completely until it was seen no more. The tree was frightened. “Is this it? Am I now washed away, just a faded memory of what I once was? Is there nothing more? Is this the end? Is this the end?” the tree thought to itself.

The tree was now completely covered by the sea and rain. Its branches torn and washed away and its bark ripped away in spots.

The tree stood there waiting for the end. Waiting to be uprooted and washed away. But it held on. It looked up through the water and saw darkness. It stood in darkness and despair. The tree was ready to give up and let go.

Then it saw something, a light shining on its trunk through the water. It looked up and the darkness started to pass and the sun was now shinning down through the water. The storm was over. The sun got brighter and brighter and the water started to finally go down. It wasn’t long before the top of the tree broke through the water into the warm sunshine free of the storm that once threatened it. Free to breath again and feel the warmth of the spring sun.

The waters finally receded and the tree was free once again. It stood there broken and bare. Its mighty branches gone and washed away. It was no longer mighty, no longer strong, no longer proud. It was broken and weak. Bare of all its huge branches that it had grown over the years. All that was left was a large trunk broken and worn, tired from the storm. But the tree held on.

The tree looked at itself and the broken mess it had become. It looked at its broken branches and mourned all that had been washed away. Its beautiful leaves blown away in the wind. It no longer provided shade from the hot afternoon sun. But the tree held on.

Broken and bare the tree knew there was only one thing it could do. It began to grow.

As I was leaving work I was asked what the semicolon meant. Here is my definition.

“A semicolon is used when an author could’ve chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life.”

It is about moving forward and choosing to continue when you could’ve just quit and given up. It’s knowing life can get hard, but you press forward still regardless of what is thrown at you.

It’s putting the gun back in the holster
It’s flushing the drugs down the toilet
It’s putting the knife back in the drawer
It’s pouring the alcohol down the drain
It’s not letting the demons in your head haunt you
It’s opening your heart despite the fear of being judged
It’s looking at that which torments your life and walking away saying no more!
It’s standing outside feeling the grass under your feet and feeling
the warmth of the sun on your face knowing you made it one more day…and will make it again tomorrow.

After years of being spun around, denial, of my life being wrecked on the shores of despair and hurt, after years of being controlled and cult like environments, I have accepted what is and am on the road to being where I want to be in my life. No matter your age or background, you can always get your life back.

Depression, anxiety, PTSD from childhood trauma, false memories and terrible real ones, these are a few of the demons I fight daily.

Freedom is a simple concept yet so hard to attain, yet it just takes the choice to be free to get started.

It’s not about hope, hope is a beggar always wanting, it’s about giving yourself a chance when you never did before. Stop wanting and start giving yourself a chance. It’s about standing up to what held you down and being stronger for it. It’s no longer fearing tomorrow because now you can face it.

It’s no longer being afraid of the monsters in your life, for they fear you now. And when the monsters come for you, and they will, they will find themselves regretting that decision.

I have faced much yesterday, I will face some more today, and I will be around tomorrow for whatever comes then.

It’s realizing your worth and value when no one else does, because in the end it’s how you feel that matters most. In the end it’s your life and you are in charge of it, no one else.

It’s knowing the memories in your head, real for false, will haunt you, but you will face them, understand them, work through them and separate the truth from the fiction.

It’s empowering yourself and knowing that you only need your belief in yourself to pull it off and make great things happen in your life.

It’s knowing that you’re not the only one and that there are those who will hear of your story and be inspired to not give up…and you’ll probably never know about it.

It’s the chance to live again. It’s the desire to never give up. It’s the choice to see tomorrow regardless of today’s battles.

It’s seeing that small flower push through the cracks of a sidewalk and realizing that little flower is stronger, more determined and more bad-ass than you are! Are you going to let a little flower show you up?

I have chosen to keep going, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how dark it gets, I will never quit. I might fall for a bit, but count on me getting back up and if you’re what made me fall, don’t be there when I get back on my feet.

BE YOUR OWN HERO!!!

The semicolon is a choice to just keep going, to continue, because my story isn’t over yet!