When you make plans and a wrench is thrown in them, it’s usually easy enough to improvise, adapt, and overcome.

I’ve had so many wrenches thrown at me this month, I’m black and blue and barely standing, much less blogging. But whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?

Well, how much can you take before you finally break?

There’s a quote I often refer to when the going gets rough: “I can’t go on, I go on.”

But you know what? Nothing I’ve experienced now, or ever before, compares to what my kinky local friends Jade, Warren, and Adam are going through right now. It’s a true life and death drama, and it is fucked up and cruel. I am sick over it. It’s a fucking nightmare.

Drama: Any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results.

But you can’t read their story at Kink and Poly anymore. The site, once deemed the Best Sex Blog in St. Louis, has been taken down. I’ve referred SO many people to Jade’s incredible website over the years.

The other day, I attended a SEX+STL women’s only Topless Tarot event with my daughter, and it was wonderful!

The ages of the attendees ranged from 14 (my daughter) to 65. There was one other mother/teen duo there as well, in addition to about 20 women of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds.

This was not the first clothing optional women’s only event we’ve had (in the past, we’ve done Pussy Parties and Topless Tea Parties), but it was the first one my daughter attended. So it was kind of a big deal! Naturally, I wanted it to be a positive experience for her.

I think ALL young women should have the chance to experience body-affirming moments. It’s so funny – for a lot of us, the older we get, the more comfortable we are in our skin. We don’t appreciate our bodies when we are younger, thinner, and more vital.

My daughter has a wonderful, strong, beautiful body, but she is wracked with all the insecurities I had at that age. I remember feeling so awkward and inferior. I compared myself to every other female – girls my age, models on television, older women. I remember some of the weird things I tried to improve my appearance – slouching, lots of makeup, starving myself, padded bras, walking around blind without my glasses.

When it finally seemed futile that I would never be beautiful and measure up to society’s standards, I went ahead and shaved my head and wore black all the time. I eventually outgrew that phase, but the body image struggle continued through my stripper phase, my married phase, my pregnant phase, my divorced phase, my nude goddess phase… heck, I STILL struggle, but I’m not going to let that hold me back from celebrating my body, feeling pleasure, and being naked!

It’s painful watching her struggle. The Topless Tarot party seemed like a gentle exercise, and of course, she was happy to give it a try. She and I are used to seeing each other naked around the house, but it would be different with others there.

Here is me at age 27 with my squishy little newborn daughter, almost 15 years ago:

Many people seek me out because they have no one to talk to when it comes to sex. I’m the only person in the real world who knows that Lenny likes wearing pantyhose. Or that John wants to find a dominatrix. Or that Jenny has rape fantasies.

I’m like an atheist priest.

They feel guilty about something. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “Well, I was raised Catholic…”

They need someone they can be open and honest with, someone who won’t judge them, someone who is fluent in the language of sexuality.

They need compassion.

“‘Our secrets keep us sick’ is a well-known maxim within the therapy community,” says Amy Luechtefeld, a sex-positive psychotherapist in St. Louis. “The companion quote to that is, ‘We’re only as sick as our secrets.’ In any case, secrets tend to consume an inordinate amount of our energy, resulting in lies and shame and generally have a parasitic effect.”

More and more people are thinking outside the confining cage of social norms these days and exploring the option of opening their relationship. While this is something that can be truly amazing and freeing, there are a number of considerations that should be made piror to, and during, the process.

What kind of door is it that you are about to open? A single or double door? Revolving door? Sliding door? A Security Door? Here is a very short list of some truly important items that you should also think about:

1. Move Slowly

There should be no reason to rush this process. If you find there is a high degree of expedition in your partner’s, or your own, eagerness to open the door, examine it. Do not go forward with the process if one of you is not happy with your current relationship. If the door you are opening is not well adjusted, balanced and oiled; it will not function properly. In other words, someone could get hurt.

Opening doors can lead to many great things.

2. Define Guidelines

It is extremely important to discuss limitations and you should certainly have some in place at the onset. These can be any number of things. Perhaps you would only like new partners to use the front door, keeping the back door reserved for yourselves. Safer sex is a must of course. A great way to start the guidline discussion is: Who? What? When? Where? (The “Why?” should have already been discussed by the time you get to setting up guidlines.)

3. Mutual Respect

It is imperative that everyone involved feels respected. From primary partners, to new partners, to potential partners. Don’t slam the door in anyone’s face once you’ve opened it. Of course, you aren’t going open the door to anyone who you don’t think should come in, so there should be no need to slam a door. However, there may be a need to lock it sometime. People who choose not to respect your relationship with your primary should remain outside of the door, knocking.

4. Be Honest

Do not be afraid to acknowledge any feeling you have, no matter how small or silly you may think it is. Those small emotional responses can smolder and turn into a raging fire quickly if they are not placed on the table. One thing that you can be sure of in life, aside from from the fact that you’ll die someday, is that honest, mature communication is always beneficial.

5. Jealousy

Be prepared to experience being emotionaly uncomfortable at some point, no matter how many times you talk about it, no matter how strong your primary relationship is. Early on, and even sometime after you’ve opened the door, you will naturally long for your primary partner and/or even wonder about the stability of your relationship when they are with someone else. Do not feel like you are doing something wrong, or are inferior. Realize that you are in love and keep being open and honest with each other.

Remember, what you are attempting to do is what so many other people are already doing, except they are climbing through windows. It’s much better to use the door.

I am not a licensed therapist. I do not have a degree in sexology. All of my knowledge and wisdom about human desire and happiness is based on my own research and personal experience.

This allows me greater freedom and flexibility when it comes to the sex and relationship consulting I offer. I’ve seen hundreds of clients in the past few years. Most of them have been men – men are more in touch with their sexuality and are more ambitious when it comes to solving problems and getting what they want. I think this is due to their higher testosterone level, but even more so, the double standard in our society that still represses the majority of women.

It’s interesting to note that most of my clients divulge things to me in our first session that they haven’t revealed to the real psychologist they’ve been meeting with for months. It’s important to address the deep, dark sexual secrets, because they influence everything on the surface – it’s all connected.

Here are the top reasons people seek me out for guidance:

They need an atheist priest.

I’m the only person in the real world who knows that Lenny likes wearing pantyhose. Or that John wants to find a dominatrix. Or that Jenny has rape fantasies.

They feel guilty about something. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “Well, I was raised Catholic…”

They need someone they can be open and honest with, someone who won’t judge them, someone who is fluent in the language of sexuality.

They have baggage.

The baggage society weighs you down with can weigh a TON. Often people will repeat the same mistakes over and over, getting with a man who treats them as crappy as their last partner, who is echoing neglect from their father.

“Hard to explain and even harder to pronounce, the Danish word hygge (pronounced ‘hooga’) roughly translates to ‘coziness’. In essence, hygge means creating a warm atmosphere and enjoying the good things in life with good people. The warm glow of candlelight is hygge. Friends and family – that’s hygge too. There’s nothing more hygge than sitting round a table, discussing the big and small things in life. Perhaps hygge explains why the Danes are the happiest people in the world!”

Turning a negative into a positive = LIFE’S SECRET WEAPON.

I have a Norwegian friend and I make him pronounce it for me. Over and over, hee! As an ignorant, but now *enlightened* American, it’s a tricky word to say! But at least I know how to DO IT.

Since I learned about hygge, I’ve surrounded myself with glowing candles, soft scarves and blankets, warm spirits, and cozy-inducing activities. Mood lighting and inviting textures are KEY. Group sex is optional.

While the ice pelted down on us like pop rocks last night, I had an amazing foursome with some loved ones. We were one big, erotic cuddle pile!

Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state in which a person feels an intense romantic desire for another person.

Some of the components:

– Intrusive thinking about the limerent object. (Note the word “object” used here when referring to a human being. The thoughts become pretty possessive.)

– Acute longing for reciprocation.

– Unsettling shyness in the limerent object’s presence.

– Intensification through adversity.

– Acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition, with one’s mood being affected by the limerent object’s actions.

I’ve experienced limerence many times in my life. The first time was in 5th grade when I freakishly obsessed over Michael Jackson. The second time was in 7th grade when I became obsessed with Duran Duran. I thought about Simon Le Bon’s sperm a little too much, let me tell you.

When limerence is mutual, it’s magical. It’s New Relationship Energy. It can fuel you for weeks, even months, until you get to a more simmering, contented love destination.

When limerence is one-sided, that pretty much puts you in the “stalker” category. One-sided limerence cloaks a person in delusion, false hope. You’re lovesick. When you’re under the spell of limerence, you are never bored. Nor are you mentally healthy. Your energy is being channeled down a dead end street.

I offer sex and relationship consulting, and I’m happy to say that I’ve been getting more women, LGBT folks, and couples these days. Historically, most of the people who have sought me out for my unique services have been men who crave female energy.

The Top 5 reasons why people contact me are, in this order:

1. He’s a married man in his 50’s or 60’s whose wife is not interested in sex (mismatched libido)

2. He/she/they have some sort of sexual issue they want to work through, such as inexperience, anxiety, or penis problems

3. He/she/they are interested in branching out sexually, either because they are in transition, not getting laid, or curious about alternative lifestyle options (non-monogamy, BDSM, sex work, etc.)

4. He has a fetish and is ashamed/seeking an outlet

5. They want to meet me, and possibly rub me for good luck

———

My goal is to offer tools, connections, and non-traditional options so that the people seeking me out can reach their goal of becoming happier and healthier. My approach is unconventional, and I get referrals from licensed sex therapists. I’m pretty well connected and have a strong network. Sex is my specialty, which ties into work, family, personal – everything!

I’m not talking about rodeos and eating steak and slinging guns and chewing tobacco. I do like country music, however – it’s so sentimental! And I LOVE country living – give me a cabin in the woods any day!

Do the right thing.

Here’s what I’m talking about.

People with Cowboy Ethics are rugged. They are patient. They are passionate. They don’t quit. They have a heightened sense of justice. They do the right thing.

Some people come by their Cowboy Ethics honestly – it’s effortless for them. Others need training, like me! I strive to live by the Code of the West.

Here are the ten tenets – how many of these ring true to you? Which ones do you need to work on?

1. Live each day with courage.

Be brave. Be strong. Conquer your fears. Courage means “to have heart.” Having courage means doing what is right, even when it scares the living daylights out of you. Be true to yourself.

My top three priorities are my daughter, my life’s passion (sex and relationships), and work (making money). Luckily, some of these things overlap. I’m a single mom, so I have to bust a move if I want to take my daughter on a nice trip or splurge on renting a fancy house for a play party.

I have a day job I don’t love, but I take it seriously and have pride in my work. I also work at Wash U as a Gynecological Teaching Associate. I give talks for medical professionals. I work with licensed sex therapists. I mentor women interested in sex work. I absolutely LOVE my work as a counselor and sex surrogate. That is where my true talent lies, and where I make a real difference in people’s lives.

You should always try to leave people, places, and things in better condition than you found them.

It’s good to have more than one way to make money. Be diverse in your skills, but also be an expert in something. Be passionate! What are your top three priorities? What are you passionate about?

Everyone is bitching about how terrible 50 Shades of Grey is. I’m no exception.

Yes, it sucks.

So where can you find GOOD erotica – the kind that will jump start a million libidos and celebrate kinky creativity?

Writing is not easy, but based on all the incredibly shitty erotica out there, it must be especially hard to craft this genre. You have to use the right words and flow to elicit feelings of arousal, rather than cringing. It’s a delicate balance. Plus, it can be pretty subjective. Some people hate the word “cunt,” while others can’t stand the term “nether lips.”

I asked friends and readers for their recommendations, and came up with this extensive list of 30 Shades of Great! Thank you to everyone who contributed!

4. Anais Nin – I remember being so shocked and turned on reading the scene where a group of men pin down a woman and let a big, shaggy dog lick her pussy. I also got really disturbed and turned on reading about the man who found a freshly drowned body and had his way with it.

11. Kushiel’s Legacy series by Jacqueline Carey – I’ve read this, it’s pretty good. Hell, you know it’s good when you remember certain scenes and incorporate them into your own fantasies – the one that stands out to me is when the slave girl is in the great hall and is presented to a Lord as a gift, and his Lady watches him take the slave girl on the table…

We all know that humans are not unfeeling objects, right? – despite the mainstream media trying to push us in that direction. From what I can gather, our society tends to regard natural bodies and animals with contempt.

Here is what mainstream seems to like:

Robots

Mannequins

Screens

Fake

Fear

No body hair

No body fluid

No emotions

FUCK.

THAT.

NEWSFLASH: We ARE animals. Mammals, in fact. Primates, actually. We have body hair, fluids, feelings.

We are born natural (nature!) and can remain that way, if we wish.

We can fake or freak our way through life, or we can go The Bonobo Way.

We can REPLACE THE FEAR WITH LOVE.

You can read all about it in Dr. Susan Block’s book by the same title.

It’s very difficult for me to write about this book, because I want to share every single detail. There is not one sentence I disagree with. I could have written it myself, as it shares all my unconventional, sex-positive sentiments, except I didn’t – Dr. Suzy did, and you need to heed this good Doctor’s advice!

She writes in an extremely engaging, reassuring style, full of cute metaphors and alliteration. Yes, she has a freak flag and she’s not afraid to let it fly, but she keeps the tone very safe for bonobo beginners. She’s a REAL sex therapist who employs non-traditional methods for treating couples and individuals dealing with sex and relationship issues. She offers solutions for bored couples, inorgasmic and uninspired women, inexperienced men, men suffering from anxiety when being intimate with a woman, and more.

One of her first steps for learning the Bonobo Way is to watch bonobos in action. If you can’t see them in the wild or in a zoo (they are only found in about 20 zoos in the world), you can find footage online.

I’ll cut right to the chase – Demeter Fragrance collection has their massage oils on sale this week. You can choose from over 200 scents – from typical to extraordinary.

Demeter fragrances

This is an image of the goddess Demeter – she’s the goddess of harvest, fertility, life and death:

The goddess Demeter

Just look at that little bunny by her feet!

I found this on a fun website with beautiful artwork that profiles all the Greek gods, goddesses, and mythical creatures called Greek Mythology Pantheon.

This massage oil sale is the perfect deal for lovers and those who like being touched. WHO DOESN’T LIKE BEING TOUCHED? Especially in an attentive, sensual manner?

Even when the massage oil is not on sale, it’s still a good price.

So here is what you do: you go to the Demeter website, and each of you gets to pick out your scent of choice. Eagerly await its arrival. They always include a free gift with purchase. You can order sample smells as well for only $2.50 each. I always do. That’s how I found out that New Zealand smells like the ocean, and Thunderstorm smells like ozone. (If you’re curious about any of the scents, they have reviews posted for most of them, and you can also ask me – I’ve tried almost all of them. But of course, scents are highly personal and subjective!)

Background story to my new profile pic on this site, twitter, and facebook:

On Holliday!

I know it’s blurry and raw, but it perfectly captures my spontaneous, happy, natural, sex-positive essence, right down to the little sparkling gem over my heart! You can even glimpse a bit of underarm hair, which a lot of men L O V E.

In other words, I’m freshly fucked!

Here is how the gem looked before I got naked. We were having a fancy dinner:

* Sparkle! *

The night these photos were taken was a special night – a kinky client from out of town had an unusual request. He was in town for business, and he booked a fancy suite in a luxury hotel with grand marble floors and the smell of gingerbread wafting through the opulent corridors – it was December and they had a huge gingerbread house with sugar glass windows and a roof dripping with white icing, constructed in the lobby by a team of chefs.

While he was out for dinner with clients, he invited me to use his room – with my man. He wanted to come back from dinner and find his bed used, the scent of sex lingering.

Remember reader Creideiki who posted about his first time with a sex worker? Here are some thoughts he wanted to share with other men pondering the idea:

========

Mmm, Victoria’s Secret lingerie

Recently a male friend of Creideiki’s lamented:

“I am coming up on nine years without sex and it’s eating away at my self esteem, and making me suspect that women regard me with a basic contempt, at least romantically. Pretty much the last time I had successful sexual intercourse, my daughter was conceived. There have been a few unsuccessful attempts during those years, but I prefer not to think about that.

So the question is – what do I do about this? I’ve tried dating and that hasn’t worked out. I’m no good at picking up women, and prostitutes are out because I have no way of confirming they are doing so of their own free will.

I’d like to change the situation but have no clue how to do so except to continue my flailing dating life. Suggestions are welcome.”

Creideiki sent him the following message:

Hey Friend, I used to be in a similar boat and thought prostitutes were out. But when I started researching it, I learned a lot about the industry – and a lot about myself.

I can teach you the ropes if this is a route you want to take, but before you decide, I would encourage you to answer the questions below for yourself.

1. Why do you want to have sex? I realize the instinctive answer to this question is most likely, “well, DUH!” I was in a good place mentally, but my sex drive was getting very strong and I just felt like it was way past time for relief. For me, though, the full answer was more complex. I felt like I had literally forgotten how to have sex, and had forgotten how it felt to be with a woman. Plus I was, frankly, petrified of going into a sexual situation with a girlfriend after such a long layoff and not remembering what to do. I wanted to experience sex again, while my health and some of my youth remained.

2. How much do you want to spend? I developed a budget for seeing sex workers. No, seriously. My criteria was that I would spend money on sexual companionship only after all of my other financial obligations were taken care of. That included bills with aggressive paydown of debt, putting budgeted money in my two savings accounts, and paying for my aboveboard activities such as (legit) dating and dancing. I set up my life deliberately to live below my means, so that I would have financial flexibility, and that gives me financial space to see providers. In my area the going rate for an hour with an escort is $200, and for the so-called “elite” escorts their rates can be $500 or more. That’s substantial money, even on my very good income.

3. What are your ethics for this? In the U.S., paying for sex is illegal in 49 states, so the sex industry ends up being a very gray unregulated free market, unlike in other countries, such as this openly advertised “Babes of London” escort service in England. When I was researching seeing a provider, I found that there were providers who were independent, and in the sex industry of their own free will. Streetwalkers were never considered, and I eliminated the so-called “Asian Massage Parlors” from consideration because of human trafficking concerns. Rachel, my first, and so far, only provider, is an independent woman who chose to go into sex work after working in the corporate world. For me, if they are in it of their own volition, especially if they have other career choices, that rests well with my ethics, and I see no ethical dilemma in paying for their services. Almost invariably, it’s the women who are 30 years old and older who fit this profile.