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Football transfer rumours: Robert Lewandowski's future unresolved?

Today's tell-all would like to thank the Academy, Harvey Weinstein, Nathan Dyer, God, the Dixie Chicks and Roberto Benigni but is not able to to express all its gratitude right now because its body is in tumult because it is a colossal moment of joy. It would also like to be Jupiter. And kidnap everybody and lie down in the firmament making love to everyone

If there was an Oscar awarded for Most Tedious Football Transfer Saga, Robert Lewandowski would have been a shoo-in for this season's gong. While his fellow nominees Radamel Falcao (Atlético Madrid), Edinson Cavani (Napoli), Neymar (Santos) and Frank Lampard (Chelsea) might have struggled to hide their disappointment and look pleased for the Poland striker as his name was read from the expensively creamy card, they could have no grumbles that he was anything but a deserving winner, for speculation about his future has reached such tiresome levels of banality that even his own "people" seem incapable of agreeing on where their client might pitch up next.

Last week, former Poland striker-turned-Mr 15% Cezary Kucharski hinted that while many clubs are interested in signing Lewandowski, Manchester United were the only one to have actually spoken to him about making a bid for the Polish international. "Many clubs follow the player but really it is only specifically Manchester United," he said, possibly in a conversation with Daniel Day Lewis, who really doesn't know how any of this happened, but does know that he has received so much more than his fair share of good fortune in his life. "Bayern Munich? I know something but no further details. In June we'll see, but [a move to] Juventus is just a rumour. Nobody at the Italian club has talked to me." However, in recent days Mike Barthel, who also purports to be one of Lewandowski's client has since rubbished Kucharski's claims. "No, those are not our words," he told Jennifer Lawrence, who had just tripped over some stairs. "Especially the part about Bayern is not true."

Speaking of people having their names written on cards, which are then placed in sealed envelopes, Feyenoord centre-half Stefan De Vrij's chances of being one of the people who lets Brendan Rodgers down next season have increased dramatically now that it's emerged that the Liverpool manager was in Rotterdam yesterday to see the 21-year-old captain his team to a 2-1 win over PSV Eindhoven.

Southampton may face a struggle to hold on to their Uruguayan midfielder Gastón Ramírez, who is wanted by Inter, Juventus and Fiorentina, while Capital One Cup-hoisting Swansea skipper and centre-back Ashley Williams could find himself the subject of a tug-of-love involving Liverpool, Arsenal and Tottenham Hotspur.

Today's Mirror reports that West Ham manager Sam Allardyce could offer his former Bolton defender Ricardo Gardner, 34, a contract, prompting further speculation that Jay Jay Okocha, Ivan Campo and Youri Djorkaeff may also make unlikely comebacks in claret and blue. And Manchester City will offer Yaya Touré a new and improved contract worth £220,000 a week, a stipend the Ivorian will be delighted to take as long as Swansea City's Nathan Dyer doesn't try to wrestle it out of his hands while swearing a lot, before throwing a petulant strop.