Where on earth is David De Gea looking? Photograph: Tom Shaw/Getty Images

HAMMERS TIME

Hearty congratulations to West Ham United Football Club then, winners of the Olympic Stadium Cup, their first trophy since Sir Trevor Brooking scored a headed winner in the 1980 FA Cup final against Arsenal, which was funny because he never used to score many headers, you know [sorry – Fiver Ed]. The deal will see West Ham move from Upton Park to Stratford for the 2016-17 season, straight after the glorious summer of sport that awaits the nation at London 2016, and although details of the celebratory open-top bus tour through east London have yet to be released, Londoners everywhere are sure to turn out for it, if only to see if it's possible to fit an Olympic Stadium on a bus. Well, if the powers-that-be can resolve a saga which the UK Athletics chairman, Ed Warner, labelled the "Stratford farce" a few months ago but which he's now "very excited" about, anything is possible.

Across the nation, there was widespread delight at the decision to give West Ham the £429m stadium, which will also hold pop concerts and other sporting events. "This is a truly momentous milestone," trilled London's mayor, Boris Johnson. "Through this deal with West Ham, we are defying the gloomsters who predicted this landmark would become a dusty relic." Hurrah! In your gloomy faces, gloomsters! West Ham's owners, Gollivan, and their vice-chair, Karren Brady, were also ecstatic, as was Newham's mayor, Sir Robin Wales, who thinks that his council's £40m investment in the deal is a very good idea indeed.

The stadium, which will have retractable seats above a running track to ensure that it can still host athletics, will have its capacity reduced from 60,000 to 54,000, while the cost of renovation is expected to reach at least £150m. Luckily, though, West Ham are paying their way – after endless negotiations with the London Legacy Development Corporation, they've agreed to stump up an eye-watering £15m towards the renovation costs and an annual rent of £2m for the next 99 years. Although there is a clause in the contract that will protect the public purse if West Ham are sold in the next 10 years, taxpayers who are footing the rest of the bill might be wondering how a group of people who once put Uncle Avram in charge of a professional football team appear to have got such a favourable deal. This is, after all, the club that once splashed out on a model boat. And still they persisted with Carlton Cole up front.

Indeed, while West Ham have said that they will pledge 100,000 free tickets per season to local children, there are those who are questioning exactly why a Premier League football club is being helped so much in their quest for a shiny new ground. Leyton Orient rent-a-quote, Barry Hearn, is also fuming, claiming the move will "crush" his club. The former sports minister, Richard Caborn, has called it "the biggest mistake of the London Olympics". West Ham's fans are also split, with some believing that the move will lift the club to new heights, and others uneasy about leaving Upton Park and wary about where 20,000 new match-going fans are supposed to be coming from.

Not to fear though, because West Ham have cannily released an artist's impression of what the stadium's going to look like, although the exterior version appears to look a lot like Wembley Way. But anyway, the stadium's packed, West Ham are playing Manchester United and apparently Big Sam is still the manager, because Winston Reid is about to score a goal from a corner routine that features Kevin Nolan fouling Nemanja Vidic. There's a bubble machine, the stadium's packed … it's almost too good to be true. Perhaps the most intriguing aspect of the picture, though, is that the artist reckons Wayne Rooney is still going to be playing for United in 2016.

So there are no certainties – other than the nailed-on fact that West Ham will start the 2016-17 season in the Championship, Phil Brown will be their manager and the turnstiles won't work before the first match. It's just how they roll.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Fans watched as our South American stars played Monopoly, witnessed Raheem Sterling coming of age and followed Jamie Carragher with his son at the Academy" – Liverpool's website explains why it's only the editing of Being: Liverpool that's up for an Emmy.

FIVER LETTERS

"When describing the FA deciding on a new chairman, surely you meant white smoke billowed from the chimney, not 'bellowed' (yesterday's Fiver). Otherwise, you'd be claiming that a lot of loud noise and hot air had come spewing out of the FA … oh" – Dan Davis.

"Just want to add my support to Paul Roach over football folk's use of 'you know'. I would like to add 'obviously', 'to be honest with you' (or variations), 'at this moment in time' and 'unplayable'. Look out for using the 'road to Rio' when talking about qualifying for the World Cup too" – Adam Reid (and others).

"My response is: where have you been? The 'you know' problem has been rife for years, peaking of course as it did with David 'you know' Beckham's penchant for said phrase. The usage has in fact dropped recently, as clubs' media training attempts to coach the kids into dropping it from their speech. The new phrase on the block, my personal favourite, is 'like I said' – when nine times out of 10 the player then goes on to talk about something to which he had not previously referred. The greatest example of this was last season when, after a Championship game, Tyrone Mears started his interview by saying 'Yeah, well, like I said …" – James Moseley.

"Well said Paul Roach, you know. But, for me, can I also add 'for me' to the list. Pundits and commentators always, you know, say it before any comment or opinion, eg 'for me, that was never a booking' or, 'for me, Andy Townsend is a terrible commentator, you know, and I'd rather mute the TV than listen to his inane drivel'. Now I've mentioned it, you know you'll start noticing it all the time and get equally annoyed, you know" – Steve Moseley.

"Paul Roach would be best advised to avoid any interviews with players (from both sides) and pundits during this bumper year of Ashes cricket. If I hear the phrase 'aw look' once this year, I'm going postal around St John's Wood" – Patrick O'Brien.

"Re: Paul Roach stipulating the use of 'you know' only once per interview. How about enforcing the rules of Just a Minute and stipulate that all interview responses be conducted 'without repetition, hesitation or deviation' and run up to but then end abruptly at one minute? Ooh, ooh, wouldn't it be an even better world if all commentators and journalists all spoke like Nicholas Parsons?" – Alex Cowell.

"Re: yesterday's last line. A curious Google search yielded nothing. But then again, here in Australia we fish for ducks, not rescue them" – Omar Shehabi.

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BITS AND BOBS

Newcastle United have vowed to reimburse amateur club Wigan Cosmos after hundreds of fans caused trouble and an estimated £200 of damage at a game before last Sunday's Premier League match at the DW. "As the supporters spilled out of the coaches, which were not managed by the club or police officials, they proceeded to watch the game from the touchline," sniffed a Cosmos official. "Some fans then chose to run on to the field of play, dropping their pants, causing the game to be stopped." A Newcastle club statement responded: "The actions of a minority on this occasion were wholly unacceptable."

The Pope's Newc O'Rangers have suspended striker Francisco Sandaza over comments he allegedly made in a hoax phone call with a Queen's Celtic fan, who was pretending to be a Mr 15% and was subsequently broadcast online. "It is the last thing we need at this moment in time," parped boss Ally McCoist, whose side can win the Third Division title tomorrow.

Brian Marwood is determined to make sure that everyone knows that the dice is loaded, the war is over, that the good guys lost and all that. Well, here's another: "Everyone knows Carlos only has a year left on his contract, but he has been fantastic for Manchester City, his scoring record, his tenacity, his energy." He must be a keen golfer.

Southampton keeper Artur Boruc claims r@cist abuse from his own fans during his debut in October prompted him to throw a water bottle at them. "I won't say I regret it, because I heard insults from the stands. R@cist ones," said Boruc.

And Pop Tart-loving boyhood Sheffield United fan Kevin Davies could be on his way to Sheffield Wednesday on loan after 10 years at Bolton.