Clarence House, London - (ReUterus & Associated Mess): The Pretender to the Throne has bought a Transylvanian bijou cottage that once belonged to his ancestor Vlad the Impaler and is renovating it in time for Camilla's confinement there next summer following her hush-hush IVF-generated pregnancy.

And while Buckingham Palace remains scathingly tight-lipped about the entire proposed event, it is thought that Clarence House spin doctors are behind the concept of this 'themed birth' following the discovery of ancient prophetic texts hidden in the late Queen Mother's canopic jars of vintage pre-Etruscan-era gin which preserved the holy papyri that inspired the whole predicted escapade.

The news has brought shudders of consternation to the Department for Constitutional Affairs officials who are marvelling how such an unholy conception could be possible in the first place given that Charles had the snip many years ago and Camilla's 1990 hysterectomy would necessitate a miraculous turn of events for it to be translated into actual gestation and subsequent parturition.

Senior Church of England sources, however, have noted that Camilla has been a regular imbiber of healing remedies at various miracle-cure shrines around the world since her 2005 wedding to the Pretender and that this may have something to do with her astonishing state of fecundity.

In particular, she has been seen on at least a dozen occasions drinking from the crystal shimmering waters of the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain in central London's Hype Park after the Archbishop of Canterbury outsourced some traditional ceremonial blessing duties to his South Korean counterpart, the Reverend Sun Myng Moon of the Unification Bowel Movement, who performed a special fertility rite over the water feature shortly after its inception two years ago.

And the recent leaking of the government's forthcoming New Year's Honours List for January 2007 has also provided clues to the Pretender's ultra high secret succession ambitions after the disgraced South Korean fertility expert Hwang Woomb-Suk's name was found to feature at the top of the Order of Merit proposed recipients' list.

Meanwhile in Transylvania the Duchy of Cornwall has erected a West Bank-style barbed wire enclosure around the former ancestral pile that was once home to Vlad the Impaler and his successors.

A signpost at the entrance to the estate warns that tresspassers will be electrocuted and that anybody caught within the perimiter fencing is subject to immediate interrogation via a CIA-type extraordinary rendition flight team en route to the Duchy's secret interrogation facilities at Robert Mugabe's Harare holiday home hell hole.

You have been warned...

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