I didn't see myself here again but I can feel the same thing happening. I'm hoping I can ride this out, if I might be better equipped now it's not new. I don't really know what I'm talking about. We'll see.

bishopdante wrote:BTW was not suggesting that my particular area of interest is buttocks, but it is normal for people of all sexes and sexual persuasions to be into butts, is not weird.

Everything sucks, but when I have to force myself to do something for someone else, it's not so bad. At least I'm not totally in my own head, but where else do we exist or live, if not in our own head?

catwoman wrote:At least I'm not totally in my own head, but where else do we exist or live, if not in our own head?

In the world outside, that's where. That is there is no "outside" of course. The "living inside one's head" is a state of active isolation from the world.

There is the relations one actually has with people in the world, and then there is the one trying to "reach out" to others (reach out from where?).This feeling of there being someone who has to reach out, can only aggravate the feeling of loneliness, since the gulf will only widen with every effort.

A Landing Craft wrote:No outlet. In debt. Can't provide. Want to get a different job but can't be bothered to get back on that treadmill. Hate going outside. Sertraline feels like it ain't working anymore. Things cost money, but have none. No music made in years. No energy. Can't concentrate. Don't know what to do. Had a massive argument with the wife, feel guilty for her taking the reins because I can't do anything, and don't wanna do anything. Lots of plans, lots of procrastination, lots of dwelling on the cons. Can't help myself.

I can sympathize very closely with this. I don't have answers, but I'm very sorry to hear you are going through this.

catwoman wrote:Everything sucks, but when I have to force myself to do something for someone else, it's not so bad. At least I'm not totally in my own head, but where else do we exist or live, if not in our own head?

I've been doing this for the past two weeks. This past week I've been staying with my dad in the hospital. It has been hard but we've been making the most of it. But then I hit the wall. I was doing my best not to unravel up there with depression creeping in hard and anxiety starting to really bite down. My mom stayed last night. All I could do when not actively working with my dad was bide my time until a I got dropped off at home where I could safely be me without discouraging anyone.

Got home and 19 year old brother, whom I love dearly, soon fills the house with friends, party time things, video games and bad YouTube. I can't relax. I feed pets an hole up alone in the "guest room" or room with junk and a sleeping mat. Need to sleep before getting back to hospital. Noise too loud. Go get glass of water. Kids were making fun of me, speculating what I "was up to in there." I got mad, was an asshole, and let into them, went to bed. Kinda slept. My ride back to the hospital fell through (30ish minute drive). Haven't been able to leave the "bed" since. Locusts ate all the food.

Sad, worried, lonely, inarticulate. Last night: "Acid guts hot iron rebar impale anger spit cuss off pissed open carry pansy gonna wet 'em in the sticks without his six gun. Fuck future burning shit cauterize tomorrow so it never shines on dark night hate craters. Lightless fire bile stench pain a sign of life. Who needs anyone. Friends are made for losing. Jumper cable nipple bathtub. Shit teeth vile heaps and heaps of oily nothing. Burning land of lard fires. We are made for losing."

^in my experience nursing relatives in hospitals, at the very least it takes two.. you can live at the hospital pretty much but you need like, partners-wrestling tag team emotional relief.. so much more than you may even realize is being depleted from you because you're running on so much emotion its dictating your physical body like a pod that goes from one place to the next..

its hard when the other people who are meant to care in the same way you are just dont react or step up or act like.. youre providing a ton of help but you need to be refueled in return, and properly.

go on hotwire and book a hotel, you can sometimes get 4 star ritzy places for $80 bucks and just like sleep and have a bubble bath and watch dirty movies and order room service and wear the robe and get a late check out and force your brain to focus only on what exists in that room

if you dont have the time or money, the other one that always works is visiting a local animal welfare league, which i admit seems kinda morbid but i assure you the puppies love the attention and being played with during visits and even if it further bums you out at first just hug them and you'll come out of there with a smile

and to everyone whos starting 2017 depressed, remember first that 2016 is over, thats right goodbye you motherfucker 20 fucking 16.. and dont forget to look up at the sky, clouds or gray or stars or whatevers goin on up there helps you zoom out and escape your own story for awhile

Janeway wrote:and to everyone whos starting 2017 depressed, remember first that 2016 is over, thats right goodbye you motherfucker 20 fucking 16.. and dont forget to look up at the sky, clouds or gray or stars or whatevers goin on up there helps you zoom out and escape your own story for awhile

I was feeling bummed this morning, and when I poured some dish soap in the sink, when I put the bottle back down, there was a poof of tiny soap bubbles that floated all around, and it made me cheery for a little while. Maybe blowing bubbles is a depression therapy?

Worse than before. I can't eat or sleep. Only this short evening period that I'm calm enough to type. Touch and go on admitting me today but it was decided no I probably won't off myself. It's true because I cannot do anything.

bishopdante wrote:BTW was not suggesting that my particular area of interest is buttocks, but it is normal for people of all sexes and sexual persuasions to be into butts, is not weird.

NewDarkAge wrote:Worse than before. I can't eat or sleep. Only this short evening period that I'm calm enough to type. Touch and go on admitting me today but it was decided no I probably won't off myself. It's true because I cannot do anything.

Sam, you are loved, respected, and wanted. A valuable mind. How can this old man help from across the pond? PM me.

NewDarkAge wrote:Worse than before. I can't eat or sleep. Only this short evening period that I'm calm enough to type. Touch and go on admitting me today but it was decided no I probably won't off myself. It's true because I cannot do anything.

Sam, you are loved, respected, and wanted. A valuable mind. How can this old man help from across the pond? PM me.

SECONDED. It sucks to feel useless and alone but I actually think it's part of being a thinking, feeling human. And the truth is that you're connected to way more people than you know. They're not always in front of you so you have to Remind Yourself That They Are There. I think that you are reminding yourself by posting here.

Take care of the small stuff first. Do something to work up an appetite and then feed yourself. Your brain needs oxygen and nourishment and sometimes starving yourself makes everything feel terrible.

There's no reason To feel all the hard timesTo lay down the hard linesIt's absolutely true

NewDarkAge wrote:Worse than before. I can't eat or sleep. Only this short evening period that I'm calm enough to type. Touch and go on admitting me today but it was decided no I probably won't off myself. It's true because I cannot do anything.

Sam, you are loved, respected, and wanted. A valuable mind. How can this old man help from across the pond? PM me.

SECONDED. It sucks to feel useless and alone but I actually think it's part of being a thinking, feeling human. And the truth is that you're connected to way more people than you know. They're not always in front of you so you have to Remind Yourself That They Are There. I think that you are reminding yourself by posting here.

Take care of the small stuff first. Do something to work up an appetite and then feed yourself. Your brain needs oxygen and nourishment and sometimes starving yourself makes everything feel terrible.

Well put.

Sending good thoughts and best wishes to you, NDA. It can get better, you can find a measure of peace of mind, or a tiny bit of detachment from mind that makes it possible to forge on and be present to good and bad without going mad. Please share more here or in the anxiety thread if it helps. Much love.

NewDarkAge wrote:Worse than before. I can't eat or sleep. Only this short evening period that I'm calm enough to type. Touch and go on admitting me today but it was decided no I probably won't off myself. It's true because I cannot do anything.

Sam, you are loved, respected, and wanted. A valuable mind. How can this old man help from across the pond? PM me.

SECONDED. It sucks to feel useless and alone but I actually think it's part of being a thinking, feeling human. And the truth is that you're connected to way more people than you know. They're not always in front of you so you have to Remind Yourself That They Are There. I think that you are reminding yourself by posting here.

Take care of the small stuff first. Do something to work up an appetite and then feed yourself. Your brain needs oxygen and nourishment and sometimes starving yourself makes everything feel terrible.

Well put.

Sending good thoughts and best wishes to you, NDA. It can get better, you can find a measure of peace of mind, or a tiny bit of detachment from mind that makes it possible to forge on and be present to good and bad without going mad. Please share more here or in the anxiety thread if it helps. Much love.

I don't know if this is any help at all, but when I'm at my worst and I keep thinking... ehrm... bad thoughts, it helps me to try and solve some simple mathematics. You see, I'm AWFUL at mathematics, so that requires all my brain capacity. Also, getting inmersed on a fantasy world helps. Reading science fiction, watching Futurama on loop, reading Terry Pratchet... whatever is easily digested and not very literary and also complex and rich.

That being said, best of luck. Take walks and eat well. It WILL pass, everything is transitory. When you are in the middle of the tunnel it's hard to see where the end is, but there is an end. At least of the worst part of it. <3

YES YES YES YES RECORD RECORD RECORD RECORD RECORD RECORD RECORD RECORD RECORD RECORD When in doubt, treat it as a record. Call your Records - Horse_ebooks

I used to think of "being depressed" as having depressive periods. Like "yeah I felt really crap for a while and then it passed" and then those periods return every now and then.I was just thinking however: Isn't it more like a general mode of orientation? If we look at it in the sense of: What do I expect to be able to attain? How does the challenges of everyday life feel? Does it feel like I'm moving anywhere? and so on.What I actually feel then, despite my having fun and feeling pretty good a lot of the time, is a kind of low-level ever-present perpetual hoplessness. A never-ending upphill battle. And this is how I have felt for God knows how long.

On the other hand though: There are ridiculously simple things I can do to make things better, which are always there. Friends I know I can call and I know won't think it's weird and I don't have to pretend to and so on. Those things are always there, but they hardly ever cross my mind when they need to. They are literally vanished from my thinking most of the time. Then one returns for a moment, and I think "Jesus Christ, how come I didn't think of that?"

Only human stupidity is infinite. It truly is so.

The really wretched thing about depression is that it is actually enjoyable in a twisted way. It is almost comforting to have this pit of black sludge to sink back into when the strain of life makes itself apparent again. Ah, of course I cannot deal with this, being the way I am. Never will be able to. How could I deal with anything when I feel this sapped of energy, this thoroughly incapable all the time?

So I say: I will fight to the death this temptation. Whenever my mind finds itself there, I will force it to steer some other way.

Is this recognizable to you in any way? I would hope. I wish you all good luck.

kokorodoko wrote:The really wretched thing about depression is that it is actually enjoyable in a twisted way. It is almost comforting to have this pit of black sludge to sink back into when the strain of life makes itself apparent again.

i think the enjoyable part is really the familiarity of the feeling of sorrow.. if youve been living that way for god knows how long, then the depression is comfortable because its what you're used to.. and since misery loves your company, fighting it is the way to become happy, thats why you always hear about the rewards in risk and gettin out of your comfort zone.. caterpillar's gotta feel crushed up and smothered by their cocoon surroundings before they break out and become butterflies

kokorodoko wrote: Ah, of course I cannot deal with this, being the way I am. Never will be able to. How could I deal with anything when I feel this sapped of energy, this thoroughly incapable all the time? So I say: I will fight to the death this temptation. Whenever my mind finds itself there, I will force it to steer some other way.

i dont think any hard times can be "crushed" with a tougher resolve though, it seems better to do the opposite and you should be gentle with yourself.. take zero energy bubble baths with candles and good music and relax gently out of your slumps

Janeway wrote:i think the enjoyable part is really the familiarity of the feeling of sorrow.. if youve been living that way for god knows how long, then the depression is comfortable because its what you're used to..

You said it.

Janeway wrote:i dont think any hard times can be "crushed" with a tougher resolve though, it seems better to do the opposite and you should be gentle with yourself

Not the times themselves, but the being stuck in thinking about them... perhaps? Oh I don't know.

kokorodoko wrote:On the other hand though: There are ridiculously simple things I can do to make things better, which are always there. Friends I know I can call and I know won't think it's weird and I don't have to pretend to and so on.

I've said it before, but this is one thing I don't feel I have anymore; "friends". I know it's a problem, but I just cannot figure out how to resurrect old friendships nor create any new ones, as I don't go out and do much that entails meeting people on a regular basis anymore, either. My circle of people is miniscule at this point, and they've heard my whinging a thousand times, and it's always going in a circle with me, so talking to them isn't helpful.

And yes, being down seems to be so long-lasting at this point, that it's hard to even remember that there were times that I was, if not "happy", then at least energetic, productive and social. I'm not sure I'd call the feeling "enjoyable", but it sure as hell is the most familiar to me, and certainly the most "comfortable". Every day I start with some idea that TODAY is the day I'll accomplish x, y, and/or z, and pretty much every day I barely get even a start on x, and somehow the day is gone. GAAAH. I'm so STUCK. I know what to do, what I need to do, but the inertia is just all-consuming.

catwoman wrote:I've said it before, but this is one thing I don't feel I have anymore; "friends". I know it's a problem, but I just cannot figure out how to resurrect old friendships nor create any new ones, as I don't go out and do much that entails meeting people on a regular basis anymore, either. My circle of people is miniscule at this point, and they've heard my whinging a thousand times, and it's always going in a circle with me, so talking to them isn't helpful.

I get what you're saying. Regarding old friends: It is tough when your thoughts are "It's been so long, and I'm no fun to be around right now" and so on, but at least I found from the few recent attempts I made at contacting old friends, that those are much less of a thing than one makes them out to be. People are just not bothered that much in general.

I'll fully admit that it can be taxing to hear someone's "whinging", no matter how much I love them. At the same time I loathe the idea that we're supposed to "leave our problems at home" and pretend at some kind of normalcy, which we all know is fake anyway. But everyone who knows you, know that that's what you're like, they'll accept it or not. Perhaps it can be helped by deciding that today we'll do something different, talk about something else, then maybe I allow myself to "whinge" some other day.

The point about the last part: We actually do a whole lot of things all the time which are not in any way tied to how we feel. What it seems to me is that when you're in this bad place, you cannot fathom enjoying doing anything, since your mood will color everything. But when you are doing something, that is what is actually going on: You're just walking around, or shopping, or in a bar with other people or whatever.Getting out of one's head is important, I think.

catwoman wrote:Every day I start with some idea that TODAY is the day I'll accomplish x, y, and/or z, and pretty much every day I barely get even a start on x, and somehow the day is gone. GAAAH. I'm so STUCK. I know what to do, what I need to do, but the inertia is just all-consuming.

At least then you have identified a problem: Inertia. And there is an urge, a will, to change things, even if it fails to materialize. It's a start.