Sean LockI don’t see why people arecomplaining so much about queuing for three hours at Heathrow to get into Britain. People queue for four hours to get onto a ride at a theme park. This is a whole country you’re getting into!

SICK CORNER Last night as I sat on the end of the bed pulling off my boxers, my wife went mental. “Leave the dogs alone and get into bed!” she screamed.Anthony, Ireland

CashbackThree lads in a lapdancing club were watching a blonde gyrating on the pole. The first lad stuck £20 on her left buttock. Not to be outdone, the second lad stuck £30 on her right buttock. The third swiped his Visa down her crack and took £50 cashback! Stewart, via text

Drive angrySince learning to drive, it’s not back seat drivers who annoy me; it’s passenger seat drivers. “Turn left here”, “Let the other car go first”, “You pulled away too fast…” I’d had enough. I pulled over, dragged him out of the car and threw him to the pavement. Driving instructor or not, he got on my f**king nerves. Seb, West Midlands

Life-long celebrationI was at a party with my missus. She said, “Look at that guy, drinking and dancing.” I asked her, “Who is he?” She said, “Twenty-five years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him!” I said, “Bloody hell, he’s still celebrating!” Stewart, via text