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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

I've reached some kind of point in my life.

What do you do if you're 23 years old and you still have no idea what you want to become? That's like a question everyone asks me, and if I don't know, does that make me a loser? I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I am completely clueless about what I want to do. I'm also afraid that I'll end up doing something I hate.

Right now I feel like I've wasted my whole life. I had no idea what I wanted to become in high school, which apparently is "the only chance you get to decide". It's such a cliché but I wish I could do it over again, just with my current brain, because at this point, I feel more motivated to learn than when I was in high school and it's really frustrating. What I did was I focused on what was fun at that point. I was horribly bad at math, biology and all the "important" things. And even though I tried to do good, I didn't try hard enough. The only class I got top grades in was English, because I really liked it. But what use is that, right? That's what I think now. I just regret my lack of motivation and my lack of having a dream of what I wanted in life.

I've been into drawing since I was little, though. And I drew a whole lot in high school. Heck, at that point I did so much comics, and they were all so much better than now because I had the right inspiration, because my mind wasn't "mature" enough. I guess when you mature you become more boring..for my part, at least. I'm not saying I am boring, I just feel that my comics were funnier when I was younger, and people could relate more to them. I still love to do comics now, but I miss my old inspirations, even though I know I have to grow up and get on with my life. I kept thinking I wanted to become a comic artist. That was the only thing I could think of when people asked me what I want to become, but of course now I've figured that living of comics is crazy hard, nearly impossible, unless you're REALLY good..leveled with like..Will Eisner or people like that.

When I got out of high school I guess I wanted to pursue my creativity, so I started a private school with Graphic Design. I took a bunch of student loans for one year, and basically I feel that was SUCH a waste of money. It was fun and everything, our teacher was great, but I just had that nagging feeling that this was something I couldn't do, because mostly I based the tasks we got on my style, which is very limited. Plus, I learned almost nothing that I couldn't have learned by myself without spending thousands of moneys, speaking of photoshop, illustrator and such. In the end I got scared that if I became a graphic designer my creativity would get tapped out, or that I'd be too monotone with my work. And I'm the kind of person that gets easily scared if there is the slightest thing that would be unstable. Because what I want, is a stable job..that I can actually DO. I have a lot of art blocks and I'm worried that would affect my work in that case.

So, then I quit graphic design after one year, with the title "design consultant". I guess that sounds better than it is.

After that I had no idea what to do, and since I felt I needed to do SOMETHING, I started university, studying media science. To me, in later years, this seems like the kind of education people take because they have crappy grades and because it's the easiest way. Or maybe that's just me, I don't know. But you don't know till you've tried, right? That's what I was thinking at least. And it turned out I really hated it. It's so incredibly dull. But when I had started on a bachelor's degree, why should I quit? Especially since I have that relentless thing for not knowing what I want to be.

So now I kinda just feel that I've wasted three years doing something I find really boring. And I feel like a failure for it. Lately I've started thinking that I want to be able to work with animals. Or, well, I've loved animals all my life, but only on rare occasions did I think of becoming, like, a vet or something, mostly because a life (or several lives) would depend on me. It would be just like becoming a doctor. And I don't know how I would feel if someone put their life in my hands. I do realize, though, that I really want to work with animals, and I have no idea how to achieve that. So here I am, just clueless again. I can't start another education now, because I only have four years of support left from out educational loan fund and my grades aren't nearly good enough to be able to get accepted to a vet school, or at least..vet tech school. If not a vet, I think I could be a vet tech. But it's too late for that now. I'm just stuck in this dilemma that I have to find a job related to an education I find boring, so I kinda have a feeling that the job would also be boring..but I don't know of course. I've heard I could get like, a job writing articles or..something. To be honest I have not the faintest idea what I can do with a media science bachelor. I just don't know if that's what I want to do.

I just felt like writing this down somewhere..and I assume that not too many people read my blog ( despite my many followers...lol). I don't blame you though. I rarely have anything interesting to say, because I never know what to write. But I guess on some occasions it's nice to have a place to just relieve yourself of whatever you're feeling no matter if people read it or not..so...

It DOES make me feel uncomfortable, because I don't want to be seen as a failure. But then again, I should stop caring so much about what people think and just do my thing.

8 comments:

I can relate to you somewhat... I'm 22 years old and came from a school that kept pressuring me to seek careers advice but it didn't really help me decide what I want to do in life. The only thing I really did well in was art, thus I went to art college only to drop out 6 months later. I took graphics design and dropped it because of more or less the same reasons as yourself. I jumped between part time jobs having the move every so often because of my very dysfunctional family. I met a great guy though, and moved with him to Norway a year later. Now I'm out here in the cold north, learning Norwegian slowly but with still no idea what to do with myself. I often feel lost and it almost feels like my youth is going to wasre. I post about in a blog... like you've done and it helps to get it out even though I doubt many people read it... :)

Yeah..I studied art in high school. It was lots of fun, but I don't really know what to use it for, really..as I might have already stated xD I've been doing some research on vet tech education though. I think that might be something for me, since I don't have to do surgery or anything like that, I can just help out with other things :3 But even though I don't need as high grades as for the vet study, I still need relatively high grades, unless I study abroad..so I guess I'll just have to think about it n__n;

I'm pretty sure everyone eventually figures out what they want..even if it takes some time. Gotta suck being 80 and thinking "darn it, I should have done THAT instead" though xD

Well, I'm 30, I've taken 5 years worth of college classes, was set on a career as an occupational therapist but dropped out in the last semester because of depression. Spent 4 years on sick-leave, unable to do a single productive thing. Then came a point where I was too well to be on sick-leave but too sick to take a regular job. Didn't want to go back to college and get more student loans (and I guess I was also afraid to fail again).

A friend suggested freelance writing. I thought it would be too difficult (we've all heard the stories about the struggling freelancer, haven't we?). But after a few smaller gigs that were well received, I started getting regular jobs and ... now I'm a freelance writer with my own one-man business, working full time, earning more than I would have as an occupational therapist (and I've never studied writing or journalism, it's just a natural talent).

So, it's never "too late" and no experience is ever a "waste", neither of time nor money. Use the skills and contacts you've got and make your own opportunities. =) If I can do it anyone can.

I agree to the "never too late" idea. go on with the vet thing..if you try hard enough I am sure you can make it, and I understand you like animals, so you might be fit for the job. Good luck! Drawing is wonderful but you might need more to take care of yourself. Depends on the lifestyle.

Hi, I'm just wondering, have you ever tried to get your comics into a newspaper or something? I dunno if they pay at all, but your comics are totally awesome... Aftenposten has a whole page of comics... And most of them su*k...Not that this helps with the career-thing, I've just always wanted to ask.... :D :D sorry.....

What about becoming an architect? A friend of mine has crappy grades but does well with art and got in here in Oslo :)

I don't think that many people actually sticks with one dream and end up being happy for the rest of their lives. I mean - I'm pretty sure I've dreamed of becoming either a princess, a hairdresser or a model in my childhood and that is nowhere near what I'm speculating about at the moment. I'm in my last year of high school/gymnasium in Denmark and I have so many different ideas about what I want to do with my life. I believe everyone stands in the situation at least once. Even the ones like my brother, who had a dream of flying F16 (later helicopters), but had that dream crushed because of a knee injury. I don't really have much advice, but I would say, that you should go with the vet tech idea, if that's something you could see yourself doing. I know, I'm really blessed with the educational system we have in Denmark, but I still think, no matter what, that we shouldn't let the government and the limits of the system stop us from doing what we would like to do - It's quite natural, that you don't have your entire life figured out by the time you've finished high school, and I think a lot of the time, there are ways of getting what we want despite of the limitations. I would contact someone at the specific school and hear what your options are.

But you are right - sometimes you just need to get your feelings out in the open.

I hope things work our for you. And you should believe in yourself. Try to see the possibilities in your talents despite of all the obstacles that may lie on your way. And do the things that make you happy.