Girl in Love

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

So, this is an interview with Josh Ramsay that I found on Tumblr here.
It is a really inspiring interview about all the hard things that he's been through and I thought it was really good. Read it now!

This was left as an anonymous message in our ask box, by someone doing a research project on mental health. They asked that you please do not claim it as your own.

Q: For people who don’t know your story, could you tell us a little about your past... List the things you dealt with?

Josh: For a long time, I dealt with depression, which I guess started pretty young for me... I don’t know exactly how old or anything, but at the latest, early teens I guess. That probably caused a lot of my other issues later in life really. Uh, my main issue, I think was my heroin addiction which lasted for about 2 years before I went to treatment for it. Umm, I also dealt with bulimia, and for a short period of time anorexia.

Q: Wow, I didn’t realize you went through so much. Were your family and friends aware of all of this?

Josh: You’d be surprised how many people you probably know that are dealing with a lot of similar issues. If you don’t want people knowing, it’s easy enough to hide honestly, and I think that’s one of the main reasons so many people get stuck in these disorders, because no one can really tell until you’re in too deep.

Q: I guess that’s true. What was your family life like... Did your home life cause any of your problems do you think?

Josh: No, my family is actually really supportive and loving. A lot of people have these stories of like, abuse and stuff, and that causes their problems, and then a lot of people have great lives and family and friends and still end up with issues. It’s just the makeup of your brain I guess.

Q: That makes sense. So which of your problems I guess we’ll call them, came first?

Josh: like I said, my depression I think started when I was really young. ‘Cause it has to do with chemical imbalances in the brain, so it’s not like you can gain depression... You either have it or you don’t, it just depends when it’s going to start affecting you. So that was first, and shortly after I started to be affected by it... feeling it anyway, I started self-harming.

Q: Self-harming as in cutting yourself, yeah?

Josh: Yeah. I think I forgot to list that at the beginning, sorry.

Q: No problem. Self-harming is a big problem in teens nowadays, would you agree?

Josh: Yeah, from what I see, there are so many kids doing it now, it’s really sad. It can really mess you up, because you start to believe you deserve it, and no one really deserves that.

Q: So why do people do it? Could you tell us a bit about why you did... what it did for you?

Josh: Umm, *laughter*. Yeah, sorry. I don’t know, I guess uh, for me anyway, my depression kind of made me feel really, trapped I guess, and I was always dealing with this emotional pain, and the cutting was kind of just a release of all that. It kind of made it leave my internal, and made it external, which I thought was a lot easier to deal with.

Q: Because it made the pain physical?

Josh: Exactly. I’m glad you were able to decipher that mess of an explanation!

Q: So, what came next? Did anyone find out about your depression and self-harm before anything else happened?

Josh: Umm, no, I kept that a secret for a long time. I don’t know how long it was after I started that, but I began to have like, body issues. I thought I was fat, and it’s not like I was the skinniest person ever, but looking back now, I know I wasn’t that much bigger than anyone else. At the time though, I felt I was, so I stopped eating. Well, like... I would eat, just not enough, and I lost quite a bit of weight off that, but then I’d start to eat regularly again, cause I couldn’t stand being hungry all the time, and I’d gain all the weight back. It was just a big yo-yo diet and it made me feel worse about myself.

Q: So that was your time with anorexia? How did you get out of that cycle?

Josh: Yeah. I mean, my parents noticed pretty quickly when I stopped eating their meals, and was losing weight so quickly, so they started making me eat normally again, but then I still wasn’t happy, cause I was still stuck in that anorexic frame of mind that it was too much.

Q: Did you see a doctor that diagnosed you with anorexia, or...?

Josh: I was diagnosed later on. At that point, my parents though it was a phase for the most part, and that once I started eating normally again, I had gotten over it.

Q: Ah. So from there, is that when bulimia set in?

Josh: Yeah, once I couldn’t skip meals anymore, I felt like I still needed a way to control my eating, you know? So I’d eat normally, or more than normally eventually, which is a binge I guess, and I’d excuse myself to the bathroom after to throw up. It was a lot easier to hide, for me, because I could do it in private, and didn’t have to lie all the time. When you’re constantly saying no thanks to food, people around you start to notice, and that’s why my parents caught on so fast, but with purging [the throwing up after a binge], it was like, no one had to know. I’d finish eating like everyone else, and then go somewhere private and get rid of it. At the time, I thought it was genius to be honest.

Q: So at the time, did you even know that bulimia and anorexia existed? Or was it something you were totally unaware of, and thought you had found this great new weight loss method?

Josh: At the time, no I didn’t know what they were. Like, I knew they weren’t great, but for me they worked, and I guess it was kind of another method of self-harm. All of my issues were kind of rooted in self-destruction and that all sprouted from my depression. I don’t even think I really lost that much weight during my bulimia, to be honest. But at the time it was all I had so I kept doing it.

Q: Did your parents find out or notice before you moved on to other things?

Josh: Other things being drugs?

Q: Yeah *laughter* sorry.

Josh: *laughing* No problem. I started experimenting a lot with weaker drugs and alcohol. Like, I smoked a lot of marijuana and tried ecstasy and shrooms, and stuff, but only at like, parties and stuff. I did an outpatient program for bulimia, where you go to a centre a couple days a week, to get checkups and go through therapy and stuff, but you still live at home, and use meal plans that the centre provides you with, and that was all shortly before I actually tried heroin for the first time.

Q: So, how hard was it to let go of bulimia?

Josh: It was scary more than anything. Um, I guess it kind of becomes a part of you. Once I was done with it, I was happy that I didn’t have to run to the bathroom after meals anymore, but like, I still had those urges for a long time, and the feelings of things being too much and the guilt and stuff. It took a long time to go away for the most part.

Q: I can see why it would be difficult. After you got over the bulimia, is that when you first tried heroin?

Josh: It was during my recovery process. I went over to a friend’s house for a party, and a couple people I knew were smoking it, and asked if I wanted to try. I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t want to try it, because at the time I did. Like I said, it was another form of self-destruction, and I thought it would help me escape a lot of the problems I was dealing with, and so I tried it. And really, after the first time I smoked it, I was hooked on it. It’s extremely addictive and if you ever get the chance to try it, or any drug for that matter, just say no, because it only takes one time and can mess up your whole life.

Q: You said you smoked it. Isn’t heroin usually taken intravenously?

Josh: Yeah, that’s a more common way to take it, but I never used needles. I think mainly because it is easier to hide... needles leave track marks and then you have to throw out the used ones and I didn’t want people knowing once I was hooked on it.

Q: Did you know immediately that you wanted help to quit?

Josh: Not at all. Like I said, it was almost a 2 year addiction, started at 16, and it was away to numb all my feelings. Umm, eventually, my parents found out, and sent me to therapy sessions and stuff, but I didn’t really want to quit, so it didn’t help at all. Eventually, they told me I either went to rehab, and at least tried to get clean, or I had to leave their house. And like, I was 17 and didn’t have a job, so I couldn’t get kicked out, so I went to rehab just to get them off my back, and to be able to say well, I tried sorry. But uh, yeah, once I had it out of my system for a month or so, I realized how much better off without it I was.

Q: Do you think if your parents hadn’t given you that ultimatum, that you would still be addicted to it?

Josh: I think if they hadn’t made me quit, I would be dead. As it is, I was really lucky to get out healthy and alive. So many people die from overdoses and just doing stupid shit while on it, and I really am extremely lucky to be alive right now.

Q: Was quitting heroin hard on you?

Josh: *Laughing* Oh god, it was horrible. The first couple days off it, I don’t think I went more than 20 minutes without throwing up. I couldn’t eat or sleep, and my body wouldn’t cooperate well enough to walk straight. It was definitely hard.

Q: So right now, do you use any drugs or alcohol, or have any habits that you used to have... like, do you still have anorexic or bulimic tendencies, or self-harm or anything?

Josh: Um, I drink a lot of Coke *laughs*. But no, I smoke cigarettes, but am trying really hard to quit that. Uh, I don’t think you, well I don’t think I will anyway, completely rid myself of the thoughts and urges for any of that, but I know how to control it and get rid of those thoughts now. Um, it helps a lot that I am surrounded by people who support me so much, and like, know about the stuff I dealt with and are willing to listen to me when I am having a hard time. Once I get off cigarettes, it’ll be the first time since I was like, 16 that I have been totally clean. I’m excited to get to that point cause it’s been a tough road.

Q: I bet that’s really exciting. You must feel really proud of yourself for getting over so many obstacles.

Josh: yeah, but like I said, if I didn’t have the support network that I do, I don’t think I could have done it, so I owe my friends and family my life pretty much. I’m really grateful to have them.

Q: Do you have any advice for people who might be suffering with similar issues?

Josh: Definitely. Uh, even if you don’t think you need help, tell someone who cares. Cause like, if you get too far in, you won’t be able to get out alone, or sometimes at all. And even if you think your problem isn’t serious enough, cause like, when I was dealing with my eating disorders, like, I knew they were bad, and I shouldn’t be doing it, but I was dragged in and couldn’t stop on my own. But I felt like there were people who were far worse off and were dying and all I was doing was eating weird. But like, no matter how small your problem seems, it’s still a problem, and there are still things that can be done to get you help.

Or if you don’t think you want help, believe me, it’s a lot better once you’re sober or healthy. And like, I know a lot of people might feel like they don’t have anyone who would be willing to help them, or care about their problems, but there are tons of hotlines and anonymous support groups and stuff you can go to. And I mean, if you really don’t know what to do, me and the rest of the band are really supportive, and like, if you are having a hard time dealing with something, you can reach us on twitter, or Tumblr... the band has a Tumblr blog where you can leave messages and stuff, and on our Facebook page or Myspace, but I don’t know if Ian still uses that so much anymore. Anyway, there’s tons of ways you can reach us if you’re stuck and need advice or something. Cause like, I don’t want anyone to have to go through what I did, but I know it happens and it is important to get out while you can.

Josh: Definitely. I think it really enhanced my writing actually... it gave me a lot more meaningful topics to write about and I always had some sort of feeling or situation that I needed to get out and it came out in music. A lot of our songs are based around my issues and whatever, so I think in a way it was good for my writing. But like, I’d never recommend it. You can write amazing music, or make amazing art or be amazing at whatever you aspire to do in life without drugs or mental problems. It’s not worth it in the end, because either way, it still takes lots of hard work and practice and as long as you push yourself in whatever you are doing, you will succeed.

Q: Thank you so much for your time. I know it’s a hard subject to talk about and I really appreciate you doing this.

Josh: Not a problem. It is an uncomfortable topic, but I’m glad it will be put towards helping others who are in a tough situation. Thanks so much.

So, if you're going through tough times and are having problems with addictions, eating disorders, depression or anything else, you need to know that you aren't alone. There are lots of people who can help you, like Marianas Trench, you can find help websites and phone lines or you can even talk to people like me or anyone else you trust or want to confide in.
Remember You're Not Alone!!!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Kurt handed Blaine the sweats."You can change out her
e and I'll change in the bathroom."Kurt grabbed his PJ's and headed to the bathroom.

Blaine slipped on Finn's sweat pants. They were a little to baggy for Blaine's liking but they were soft and cozy and Blaine liked soft and cozy.

Kurt pecked through the slighting opened door,he just saw Blaine take his shirt off. Kurt's eyes widened."Oh my Gaga. Mary mother of Lambert."Kurt looked at Blaine's beautifully toned body,his abs. God his abs. Kurt was drolling. You would be drolling to. The man was a god. Blaine slipped on a light pink colored shirt,it fit like a glove. Kurt turned away and changed fastly."Blaine,you done?"He called."Yeah!"Blaine yelled back. Kurt opened the door."Luckily my dad put the old sofa down here. It pulls out into a bed."

It had been a good two hours. Kurt and Blaine were talking. Babbling about random stuff."So your parents they know that your...gay?"Kurt asked after a few seconds of silence. Blaine cleared his throat."My mom does. But I didn't tell me dad. Despite his hippy days in his older years he became quite the on god loves everyone but the homo's."Blaine said awkwardly."I'm sorry,Blaine."Kurt whispered."It's fine,really. I've just gotten use to it."Blaine chuckled."My dad thinks I'm dating my best friend Holly."

"Isn't Wes dating a Holly?"
"Exactly."Blaine smirked. The basement door opened."Oh,did I wake you boys?"Carole asked."No,"both Blaine and Kurt answered together. Carole smiled then walked over to Kurt and pulled his blanket up and kissed his forehead. Kurt made a face while looking at her. She walked over to Blaine and did the same thing. She took a quick liking to Blaine,more or less adopting him. Carole left."Sorry about her."Kurt finally said."There's nothing to be sorry about."Blaine reassured."Oh,and Kurt I got my middle name legally changed to Frost. Just Frost." Blaine turned and looked at Kurt."Just so you know,"he smirked,then soon both the boys said goodnight then fell into a deep sleep.

The next morning Blaine was the first to wake up. He walked into Kurt's bathroom and took a shower he put his PJ's back on because he didn't have anything else but the clothes he wore yesterday. He walked out of the bathroom,hitting right into Kurt."Ow,"Kurt winced."Sorry,"Blaine muttered and got out of the way. Kurt went into the bathroom and did his morning routine. He walked out dress in dark blue skin tight jeans(no pun intended)a tight red button up with a white bow tie and white leather jacket(that two was tight)to complete the look Kurt added white dress shoes.

Blaine held his breath.
Oh.my.Dumbledore. Kurt looked like a runway model,a very sexy runway model.
No,Blaine. Don't think that way. Your just his friend. Just his friend. His common sense said then his uncommon sense kicked in.
'Stop fooling yourself Blaine,you know your looking at his ass. Those damn skin tight jeans pull your eyes right to it.'
'You know you want to go up to him and just embrace him....with your lips.'
'I bet they taste like cherries.'Blaine thought. Kurt always had cherry chap stick with him,Blaine liked cherries.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Saturday, April 23, 2011
So, one feeling that I feel pretty often is the feeling of not being good enough. I feel left out, as though I'm on the outside looking in, as though no one actually likes me, it's all just pretend. You never know. I can't read minds. I wish I could.http://www.whatdidshesay.ca/2011/04/19/notgoodenough/
Read this, it describes the way I feel pretty well, except for the fact I haven't even gone out with anyone, sadly. I'm alone and I'm not good enough.

Today's poem is called "Not Good Enough".

Why am I alone?

Why am I not popular?

Why do most guys ignore me?

Why do they only treat me as a friend?

Is it because I'm not good enough to be a girlfriend?

Not pretty enough?

These are the questions I ask myself as I lie in bed alone.

Why has no one ever fallen in love with me?

Why does no one wish that they could be with me?

Why doesn't anyone realize how I feel?

Because I'm not good enough for them to care about.

I wish they could realize that some people

Have had lots of boyfriends

But continue to break their hearts

But I have not once had a boyfriend

And I am willing to love them for as long as possible

That I would never cheat

Or break up for no reason

Over the phone

By text

I am single, and I have been ready to mingle for a long time

I'm still free

Just not good enough

﻿

'It’s a lie to think that you’re not good enough. It’s a lie to think that you’re not worth anything.'-Nick Vujicic

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Thursday, April 21, 2011
Today, the featured song will be "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac. I love this song a lot. It was on an episode of Glee (my favourite TV show) and I loved it so much and I love the original version as well.

Took this love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
And can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh oh I don't know, oh I don't know
Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older I'm getting older too
Yes I'm getting older too, so
I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I, I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too oh yes
I'm getting older too
So, take this love, take it down
Oh if you climb a mountain and you turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring you down, down
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring you down
Well well, the landslide will bring you down

Wednesday, April 21, 2011
This is a new feature I am adding to the blog, it is a weekly Glee review, and it will be on the Wednesday after the episode premieres. Glee just came back from a few weeks of break, and I personally don't think that this was the best way to come back from that. The episode was okay, but it wasn't one of the best, it was just kind of average. Since they were just on break, I was expecting something a bit more exciting.

Mercedes was acting all "diva" like, with Lauren Zizes as her manager, which was just kind of weird. I guess she just wanted some attention because Rachel gets it all, but it was a strange thing to have in the episode, really random. I really wonder why she never gets solos too, she is so amazing!

Charice was back as Sunshine and she did an amazing performance of All By Myself, but I was dissapointed when she didn't perform in the concert, it was just sad. I wish she hadn't done that.

The Glee Club was organizing a concert, called A Night Of Neglect to raise money for their trip to Nationals and the Braniacs (Tina, Mike, Artie and Brittany)'s trip to Detroit. They only performed songs by neglected artists, which I thought was weird because if you wanted people to come, wouldn't you perform songs that they know and like, not ones that they don't know?

When Tina performed I Follow Rivers by Lykke Li, it was awful because the audience was only six people, and four of them were the "Heckler" club, organized by Sue to yell at the performers so she ran off the stage crying. I felt bad because she was actually pretty good.

Mike danced to Bubble Toes, and he was awesome because they stopped the Hecklers so he danced awesomely, as usual!

Holly performed Turning Tables by Adele and she was amazing, I fell in love with the song. She got a job in Cleveland so she broke up with Will. That made me sad, but now he can be with Emma!

﻿Mercedes performed the final number, 'Aint No Way by Aretha Franklin and she rocked it! Mercedes is so talented that Sandy donated money to fund the Braniac's trip, so it was a happy ending! Yay!

So, this episode was not a bad episode, but it also wasn't great. I liked it and it satisfied my Glee craving I have been having since Regionals, so that's good. I can't wait until next week's episode because Kurt is coming back to McKinley!!!!! YAY!!!