Theo Verelst Diary Page

Latest: 8 April 1999

I've decided after good example to write some diary pages with toughts
and events.

Oh, in case anybody fails to understand, I'd like to remind them
that these pages arecopyrighted, andthat everything found here may not be redistributed in any other
way then over this direct linkwithout my prior consent. That includes familiy, christianity, and
other cheats. The simplereason isthat it may well by that some people have been ill informed because
they've spread illegal'copies'of my materials even with modifications. Apart from my moral judgement,
that is illegal, andwill betreated as such by me. Make as many references to these pages as
you like, make hardcopies,but only of thewhole page, including the html-references, and without changing
a iota or tittel...

And if not? I won't hesitate to use legal means to correct wrong
that may be done otherwise.And Iam serious. I usually am. I'm not sure I could get 'attempt to grave
emotional assault' out of it,butinfrigement on copyright rules is serious enough. And Jesus called
upon us to respect theauthorities ofstate, so christians would of course never do such a thing. Lying,
imagine that.

April 8, 1999

This afternoon I did some diary stuff on the Apple, that I don't have here
(at home), so that, too, I'll put on later.

Tomorrow there will be tv recordings for a program of what in
english would be something in between 'two cheeky girls' and 'two
brutal girls' alias 'Tatum & Jennifer'.
got this pic of jennifers fan page, I think in the real, she's prettier.
And I think she is realy, realy nice, though I never met her, which is
a nit of a unusual way to think that.

So, did things get out of hand with Helen, being at home, and yesterday
even work together, wouldn't that be too much? No, more is nicer. Nothing
anymore would be bad.

Now what about the wanted page? Well, it's still there, because its
still true, and I expect it to remain true, although hopefully not in the
'wanted' fashion.

Makes me wonder though what it would be like, some I could simply meet
and things would good, with others, it would feel sort of funny, and in
serious ways difficult, because what can I say to someone now, realizing
to so many incredible things must have happened to them. With respect to
the abuse, in all its ugly forms, I would feel inadequate to say something
except for the things I've written about, and I don't know wether that
would be the right thing at the right time, and in terms of my faith, I
don't know at all, that's not in my hands.

And I will have so many questions, because I find the whole situation
and in fact 'that' whole world to incredible to be true. How does one live
with a family that seems to deem it appropriate to almost slaugther and
wrape you to death, and than appearently still think they can be treated
for anything human at all, and even be at 'high' places in society. Why
would you not want to get the hell away from a life like that instead of
clinging to the few benefits you may have conquered. Why does a whore (a
'regular') one not kick her pimp out, that lives of her, mistreats her
at least, but instead develop a warped sense of care for such a bastard.

Power, undoubtably has to do with that, and fear. Having never had a
life that is even remotely private, let alone safe, may make it hard to
even understand what I consider a normally desirable situation. It does
strike me that if I would ever be in situation where I would see a little
(or big) victim almost wraped and slaughtered to death, I would not hesitate
to kill the one(s) that do such a thing, and I repeat the killing part,
because I don't think I would have any other thought than that such things
simply shouldn't happen, and I would have no fear whatsoever of the supposedly
great demonic forces or whatever other sacrifical reasons, and find the
most effective and final way to end it all. I think it is relevant when
(if) this is read by some of the people that I want to love that I consider
tht the only emotional response I can stay real with. When an object that
bears the name 'father' considers it even conceivable that his (maybe even
unreal and impossibly young) daughters provide sexual 'services' to him(it)self
and other objects unjustly labeled 'men', and consider it bon ton
to exchange those kind of pityful and highly illegal favours, what else
can you do than either indite them, or flee, or both. And when it is realy
true that in 'society' (gmph) this is not just an occasional crime, but
that the whole tower of babel that is built around the 'need' for this
and incredibly much worse, than I wonder why it is so hard to understand
both the need to get as far away from that as possible and the stupidity
of fearing bastards that appearently realy believe that they can be feared
as the great rule it all and know it alls when they can't even fulfiull
their sexual desires in a free and at least reasonably nice way. And can't
even control themselves into not being bad.

And when anyone wants to suggest that all of that is good and necessary
because men and society are bad in the first place, I'd like to see how
they would do an a logic exam. Lets get this straight: because the system
is bad, it is better to put aside al appraisable, good, just, honorable,
likeable, desirable things, and make the system win so in the end it is
better? So the pope must say it is good that many masses are sacrificed
so many masses may have something better? It sounds more like the wrong
solution to the problem that men and thus the world he naturally creates
is unable to defeat evil and the spiritual. That is not a reason to aim
at producing more evil, but the contrairy. And it means especially that
when you have something that is very capable and even good, like a wonderful
little whore that is even stupid and powerfull enough to be good (and not
to bow for that stupid wannabe thing), love and respect is in place, and
when you are not capable of that: who asks you to deal with what you can't
deal with? If you can't have children without abusing them, don't have
em, I won't mind.But when you 'have' someone that is even good, you should
treat them for that, and that is not the same as making them whores, slaves,
merchandise, and the like.

On the 'real' (how long would it take for that to become a liarish,
empty, popularistic buzword ?) christian side of things, anyone even suggesting
that organized sacrifices to deamons or institutionalized whoremonging
(two bible qoutes) are acceptable is immedeately no longer suspect of being
a liar, put proven, and in my mind trialed to be. And I believe Jesus is
not a liar, and He would be proven to be, I'd chease following him, for
real.

Here's the email quote I promised some days ago:

Hi Erin,

I read your mail, and have just one main reaction: I've heard you
pray verydifferent things that what you now write about, and that leaves
me with onlyone conclusion: either what you write now is a lie, or what you
prayedwhen I was near wa a lie.

Christ does not merely need to humble us, but does so for a major
reason:to live in His will, and I now for sure that he called us to live
in truth,he even sais he IS the truth. Think carefully about the fact that
the holyspirit is not going to give you revelation about things you already
now.He is not pityful, or in need of power over you, He's got that already,he just needs you to understand things he knows are important,so you can chose the right things in freedom. And 'understand' is
not'learn to subdue to his opinion', but to see what is true.

Truth exists independently, what is true,is true, not by voting, not by aligning opinions, but simply because
it istrue, and He wants us to see truth, and acknowledge it, and live
in it.Thats the 'gospel of truth'. And Jesus is the only one that could
say 'I amthe truth', that ius why it is the gospel of Christ.

Every gospel that is out there to put people in bondagem abuse them,their bodies and/or their capabilities is NOT a gospel, but a lie
if it claims to be the same.

When you know you should be with someone, and you chose instead to
rotaway in some place you never should have been in the first place,
the bestthing he can do is put you straight, and no monestry or 'nice' church
isgoing to help that.

We actually talked abou things that are so serious that even worldlyjudges would sentence people to life or even death for being that
abusive,murderous, liarish, and criminal. When you have been subdued to
tortures andabuse that I find hard to even imagine, I can understand you have
beenvery seriously affected by that, and that you want something good
instead.That is the opposite of 'forgiving' that kind, and seeing you life
as involuntaryvictim as of the same breed as they are. When you want to livein christs' will, they will be against you, persecute you, try to
put you downand drive you away from your purpose, and 'they' include liarish
andhypocritical 'christians' that use christianity only as a cloak
for evil(and there is amply supply of scripture to back that up).And God can make you win of that, and wants you to, Christ sais
so himself,repeatedly.

He doesn't even ask you to be his slave, he wants you to be free,and even to flee from situations that would make you a whore or
a slave, orboth. And all that is plain scipture, no need for retranslation.You want to live according to his will? Than you would better accept
thethings that require no kind of revelation whatsoever, just basic
englishreading skills. And I write that in a harsh way because I'm serious,I usually am, and when very serious things are at stake, you'd better
be, too.And mariage, serious as it may be, is NOT the answer to the question
asto how you can be serious, or a good christian. Paul wasn't married,
Jesuswasn't, the only married apostle that I know of was so already before
hemet Jesus (Peter), that should say something.

I've met and talked with people, hell, I'v even emailed people that
show moresense of truth than all of organized chistianity I've ever encountered
inmy life together, which led me to a simple conclusion: they can
go to hell.And I mean that, they can either come to me and realy ask me what
I think,and live accordingly, or be put aside by me without any power over
me or whatI think whatsoever.

I don't need to be in a christian program, I need to livein truth, and as far as it depends on me in peace, and according
to His will.When I know he wants me to do, aim at, and deal with certain things,
I'dbetter damn well do it, or I'm going to get in trouble. When I met
you, Iwas in incredibly akward circumstance, but at least I knew for myselfI didn't go against what I knew about that he wanted from me. I
wasn'thappy being on the street with nothing, in quite a dangerous environment,that's easy to imagine, I know for sure that it wasn't even HIS
will tobe in that little devious 'plan', but I did do what I knew was right,and that may not have made me peacefull at all times, but it didn't
make mefeel bad about myself. That fact that other people are liars that
selleverything and want to be devious, schemers, hypocrites, and more
than thatdoes not make ME that, not even when at that time I have no power
over them.

So am I saying that Gos isn't a loving father? Of course he is, but
he isalso righteous, and truthful and just. If you chose to go against
him,he is not going to support a lie.

So who am I to say so? When I met you, nothing much, I guess, hardly
hada penny, no position, no acknowledgement of any of my capabilities,
no friendsserious enough to realy deal with what was going on. I had a few
advantages,of course: I'm and official engineer (EE, as you know, although
I'msure they tried to challenge that as well), had done a lot of things
thathave been lied about, but that I did do, and I have ample edifiaction
in a lotof useful things. Currently, I've been working again (still need
to pay ofsome debts, but I invest for that, and company-wise its hardly worthmentioning), have built a seriously used amplifier and speaker system,
theessence of the synthesizer I talked about, set up a web server,
made adatabase, made art works (paintings) available with it, and I am
even in theprocess of being official director of my own company (though I didn't
evenpersue that at this point). And I didn't lie, I didn't cheat, I
did nothingthat realy went against my beliefs, and can look myself in the mirrorwithout disliking what I see.

And my convictios about my faith versus all off christianity I've
allowedmyself to be exposed to have only been confirmed: I have nothing
to do withthat exept when people realy want to, and clearly live lives to
match whatthey claim.

I feel christians have been working against what I want, and even
personallyinflicted great harm, both to me, and people that I want to love,
and I hold themdoubly responsible for that. And I do believe that soem day I will
bejudged by christ to receive reward for what I did do right, or feelashamed if I didn't. I am convinced to salvation is for ever, Jesus
won'tdiscard someone he saved, ever, but he is righteous, and just too,
meaningI'd better know what I do. Scary? Maybe. Wraping, killing, toruring,
lying,merchandising with people, and whoring (in the sense of neing enslave
to being unreal,nothing to do with being married or not) would scare the hell out
ofme.

I'd run away from that, try to expose that, make sure I;m free from
that, andeven go to war against that.

So seriously, I'm not at all happy with what you write, and would
not feelright about saying you are right, I think you are wrong. I think
you don'tdar to face up against what they have done to you, and that I can
understand,but I won't accept that you search for revelation about things that
I havetalked about very clearly, without the need for some degree in theology,I would hardly need any edification at all, scriptural or natural,
tounderstand that God is not a liar, and doesn;t want me to be one.
Thatsand open and shut case. You didn't actually SAY that you were abused
inways that I've mentioned, but you acknowledged it when I talked
about it,and I refuse to accept anything short of completely wantiing to
get away fromthat. I realize that might put you in serious life danger, make
you feelrealy miserable, and would cost you a lot of 'love' of shady or
downrightcriminal people, including the 'familily' that may have subdued
you tothat kind of torture. So? You'd have christ. You would have the
almighty Godagreeing with you. You might die! So? You would jknow you were right,and aiming at precious things, true things, realy valuable things.
And when yusurvive, you can live for real.

When I now meet someone I like, I can love without needing to hide
or holdback, I can feel good about being with someone, looking at her and
me, notfeel hindered by what happened wiht me or around me, and feel good
about that,realy good. And than the whole of christianity can go to hell when
theywant to tell me that that is not right, that I should marry, or
at leastmake some very solid (trading) deal, should be on the street to
'convert'people to squeeze them in their miserable slavery to power and abuse
greedyor at best guilty and whimpy 'preachers'. Fuck them.And none of the relations that I seriously wanted are now not wanted
by me,unless I feel realy lied to. When I like/love/want someone, I want
it tostay, and I have been able to do that with more than a few people
formany years, to I don't need proof to the point that that is possible,
I KNOWit is.

I wish you to realy be in him, you won't be able to mess with him
anyway,and they won't either, in the end.

Theo

That was to someone that I knew personally wanted to fllow Christ for
many years, mind you.

So what's the main point? Jugoslavia at war, many people starving, many
little and big ones abused ion ways I don't even like to picture, and theover
occupies himself with former, current and {possibly again) future girlfriends.
At least thats not bad. And can be quite fun. Fun? Fun. I'm nbot that much
of a calvinist, when I for the first time left (local) christianity, and
started living on my own I consciously decided I wanted to feel not burdened
by 'having to' so and so, I wanted to feel free. 'Even' when I lived as
a chistian, I was aware of the futility of being legalistic, though I still
don't think it hurts to want to work (remembering that the truth is the
thing that makes free, not the work) and tp be serious about asomething
important.

So when all is so ugly, somber (as Andrea though in my head some time
ago), unpleasant, seriously doom thinking (as Amsterdam would strike me,
as a general picture), I don't think it is bad to focus on things that
are fun, hell I even thought science was fun! Stupid me.

And a girl/woman (still haven't figured that one out, let me see: am
I a man after 12 or 18, after I had sex (and if so in what form), a serious
relationship, a postion in life, am free from not dear mom and dad, live
on my own, etc.etc ?) that I find at least attractive, and possibly a whole
lot more, can also be fun. And very serious too, and still more fun. And
nice, and good, and exciting, and interesting, in any order. Fun!