Thursday, March 17, 2011

Another Post Courtesy of the Wall Street Journal - I kid Rupert Murdoch a lot when we see each other at the Friar's Club but his rag does supply an endless assortment of crap for my blog.

The Wall Street Journal has a daily cartoon called Pepper and Salt that I really, really don't like. Apparently, rich Wall Street scumbags have their own unique form of humor that is not funny. Here's today's cartoon.

It's St. Patrick's Day! Every morning DJ, every local TV anchor, every a-hole at work is dusting off the Irish jokes and getting a laugh -- except the Wall Street Journal. You have to work really, really hard not to be funny with a setup involving two leprechauns and a gigantic mushroom, on St. Patrick's Day. We can never accuse the Wall Street Journal of not working hard. Am I the only person that expects Fred and Wilma Leprehaun to walk out of that mushroom house? And do leprechauns live in mushrooms or do they just sit on them?When you first read these cartoons you think, oh no, they're just like the cartoons in the New Yorker, I'm just too stupid to understand them. But after weeks of analysis, I've come to the conclusion that we're smart enough, they just suck, and they almost never have anything to do with business, or the right wing agenda of the Wall Street Journal.

This is the part of the post where I attempt to write funnier captions. Don't forget, this is a "business" comic for Wall Street Journal readers that is officially housed in the collections of the Harvard Business School Library assuring that future generations of MBA assholes will have no sense of humor. If you are the president of a major university and want to house a collection of my work, e-mail me.

And today's winner so far is:

As always, I will continue to add captions to this post all day until I think of something funny. You are invited to help but you won't because leaving a comment is too much damn effort, bitch.Note: There are a bunch of these cartoon rips so just scroll on down.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

On Wednesday, Charlie Sheen joined twitter. One day later he has one million followers. Those are Jesus Christ numbers! If he keeps acting psychotic and hate-filled on camera, in a year he'll have 365 million followers (I used to be good at math in school). You know that the old white men in the Vatican are shaking in their boots or slippers or Nikes or whatever they wear.

According to Google, there are five Jesus Christs with twitter accounts. This is an amazingly small number. Why there are at least six guys at my job that think they are Jesus Christ and one of them is an accountant.

These Jesus Christs have two things is common. First, they are pretty lazy. I would expect at least a tweet a day from Jesus. How hard can it be to quote yourself? Hell, Pat Robertson tweets twenty times a day and he's only God's second cousin on His mother's side. Second, they are all trying very hard to be funny. Jesus is known for a lot of things -- but a sense of humor? Not the funniest guy at the seder table I'm sure.

Let's review the work of all the Jesus Christs in an effort to determine who is the real Jesus amongst them. Let me clarify, there are five Jesus Christs on Twitter in english. God blessed America for a reason. I'm not sifting through all the Jesus Christs on Twitter in Aramaic.

In Reverse Order of Googality

Jesus H. Christ has only 1,904 followers and only eight tweets total from back in April of 2007.Best Tweet - Solved that Sudoku. In case you were wondering.

Rating - Poser

King of the Jews has 16,881 followers but is following 15,640! Not a good ratio for the Son of God. One of the people He's following is a 15 year old kid from Ireland that only tweets about Taylor Swift.Best Tweet - Welcoming Ronnie James Dio with open arms, man was that guy surprised to see me.Rating - Wannabe Jesus

Jesus Christ was propably first because he has the best name, Jesus Underscore Christ. I capitalized the underscore because above all I'm respectful. Unfortunately, He lists his home as Idaho and has only 8,806 followers.

Best Tweet - Jesus needs small indie girls to escort his reincarnation around Spokane.

Rating - Poser, but the next time I'm in Spokane, we gonna hang.

Jesus has 275,336 followers. Not Charlie Sheen numbers but not bad.

Best Tweet - I drive a Dodge Stratus.

Rating - Possible

Most popular according to google, Jesus M. Christ has 191,708 followers and is only following 40. But one of those 40 is Mr. Charlie Sheen.

And he's number 1 on Jesus' speed dial. Did I just hear the entire Vatican Council shudder? Jesus M. Christ is the funniest of all the Jesuses in a Jimmy Kimmel sort of way and seems to be in love with Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers. Jesus is supposed to love everyone so maybe I'm just reading something into this.

Best Tweet - The people of Sodom and Gomorrah think Charlie Sheen has been a bit over the top.

Rating - Possible

Being only half-Christian, I can't tell which of the possible Jesuses is the real Jesus. If you're better qualified post a comment or send me an e-mail. All hate mail should be sent here.

Conservatively, if you add the two best Jesuses together, you're only talking a half a day of work for the out-of-work Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen bigger than Jesus? Yes.