Feelings

There’s a lot of dust here. I know, I’ve been here and there, trying to figure out what would make me happy. I seriously do not know. I know one thing for sure. I’m not happy now. When I wrote that post a few days ago, a friend text me and said :

You know, I agree

Yes, back then everything was very personal, original and most of it came out from my subconscious mind. Thus, the emo king tag was placed. It was less advertorial because I only talk about me, how I feel, what I see around me and not being able to write like that anymore just kill me off, slowly. I wanna come back to my old self.

I blame it on my environment. It shows how crappy my life is – Here that is.

And so this is Christmas … Well, almost. It’s a little too early to say. Advent just started and it’s like only the 2nd day of Advent. I remember that it was about this time last year somebody told me ; “It’s over, at least for now. You deserves someone better“. The same goes the year before and I guess the same goes for this year too. Oh, well whatever … Nevermind. I’m still trying to get use to it.

A few years back I will be singing “I won’t Be Home For Christmas” but now that I’m home I won’t be singing the same old song. It could be “Running Roung The Christmas Tree” or maybe “Jingle Bell Rocks” but “I Had A Blue Christmas Without You” will be a hit and “Christmas With You” is very much farfetched. *sigh*

I used to be looking forward to Christmas every single day of my childhood years. back then I have fewer things to worry about because the elders will have to worry about it more. So, life was a little easier and the only thing that I worry about is presents, presents and more presents. Will I get a lot? I guess everyone is very much like that in a way. So, I am not alone hopefully.

Now, as I get older things changed. I no longer look forward for Christmas. It’s just like any other day of the year. I just wished that I could just close my eyes and go numb. This pressing new frontier is killing me softly and it’s something that I just can’t adhere.

Then they’ll say “Life will get better” or something like “It can’t rain all the time“. Agreed, I don’t deny that but the fact that I’ve been hearing too much of that doesn’t really make me feel better. It’s like being high on dope, I need a higher dosage and I need something that can take me to another level of numbness. My perfectly insane life needs to come to an end. This fucking life is killing me inside.

Advent is here. A time of joy, a time of peace : There’s a time to get ready by focusing on your own sinfulness and evil, a time for personal transformation and following Christ to the cross; that’s Lent. There’s a time to get ready by rejoicing that our God is not far away and unfamiliar with the struggles of human life, that Christ is here right now among His followers, that God has already begun to bring in the Kingdom, and that Christ will come again to make it clear who really runs the place. That’s Advent.

You know how funny life can be at times? It’s amazing how things could happen or could have happen if I may say. At one moment you’re flying high, soaring through the sky and then the next thing you know you’re getting deeper underground. And then you’ll probably say; “Well, that’s life”.

Or it could go like this; it was like yesterday that you had it all and now, Wednesday is gone. And at that particular moment you might be wondering what have you done to deserve all this? Now, you start to hate it and continue to hate it but you just can’t find anybody to blame, not even yourself.

It’s like waking up in the morning and finally realizes that it was just a dream. You got frustrated but then you can’t do anything about it. You’ll feel dejected, fucked up to the max and well maybe a little bit in a mess – partly because you just can’t really get hold of yourself.

So, sometimes you wonder whether what was said and done was sincere. Or was it was plain stupidity, lies that you’ve swallowed blatantly. It hurts, really. Are you a victim in this sick sad little world? Maybe everyone is one of them. So, what does that makes me? Are we together in this? Maybe, definitely maybe and that is my definite answer.

I slept around 7:30 pm just now. Just right after I got home from work. I switch off my mobile and went straight to bed. I woke up suddenly and I thought it’s 3:36 am but it was 9:36 pm. I switch on my mobile, 3 SMSes. 1 from a very good friend, 1 from a friend and 1 is the one that I’m waiting for. I replied all three, then I went to bed again. I hope that when I open my eyes I will see tomorrow and indeed I saw tomorrow (today) ; it was 12:35 am and now I can’t even close my eyes.

I realize something or some things. I’ve been missing a lot of things

I missed the time spent talking for hours on the phone. Crapping about everything and nothing at all. We could go on and on until we both fall asleep even if sometimes I reluctantly put the phone down.

I missed the morning calls. How you sound when you just got up from your beauty sleep stayed in my mind and it keep on playing there every single day. When it hits 6:30 am, it reminded me of how I used to be the alarm clock. Silly …

I missed those words ; Honey, Baby, Darling and I missed all the IMISSYOUs

I missed walking in the park, happily as we go. Eventhough that was the only time but still …

I missed those SMSes that accompanied me everytime I do nothing in the office. Eventhough sometimes I do have a lot of things to do but I didn’t say it out because I just can’t stop looking at my mobile every single second.

Those are a few of those few little things that I’ve been missing a lot of late …

I took an online test somewhere. I forgot whereabout. I was bored so I did the test. It’s a test on “Which Love Song Are You“. The result :

Yellow – Coldplay

Look at the stars, Look how they shine for you, And everything you do, Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along I wrote a song for you And all the things you do And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn Oh all the things I’ve done And it was all yellow

Your skin Oh yeah your skin and bones Turn into something beautiful D’you know you know I love you so You know I love you so

I swam across I jumped across for you Oh all the things you do Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line I drew a line for you Oh what a thing to do And it was all yellow

Your skin Oh yeah your skin and bones Turn into something beautiful D’you know for you i bleed myself dry For you i bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you look how they shine for you look how they shine for you look how they shine for you look how they shine for you look how they shine look at the stars look how they shine for you

To be honest, I quite like this song. I never really like britpop before. I ocassionally listens to them but not a big fan though. But this track is so – like rocking you in the cradle kinda feeling it gave me. So, relax, very laid back and most importantly, indulging. So, come on and indulge yourself. That’s right, lean back and just enjoy the melody. Let music be the food of love. 😉