The Host: Oh thank God, a new Stephenie Meyer movie

I know what you guys are thinking, the last Twilight movie is just weeks away, and then it will be gone, a hole left in your heart like the time your cat Renesmee tried to kill you and your husband had to beat it to death with his C-Pap mask. But chins up, there’s more Stephenie Meyer goodness on the horizon! Here’s the first full trailer for The Host, based on the book by Stephenie Meyer, directed by In Time’s Andrew Niccol and starring that chick from Atonement, Slainte Ronin I think her name is, about a future where aliens are taking over humans’ bodies. At least, until they try to take over the body of one white chick, WHOSE LOVE IS SO POWERFUL IT COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING!

“Human bodies take a lot of getting used to. They’re not like the others we have inhabited. Their emotions are powerful.”

SPARKLE ME, ALIEN! SPARKLE ME RAW!

Oh neat, all the vehicles are silver in the future. That’s original.

“Is Melanie in there? Maybe this KISS IN THE RAIN will help jog your memory. Melanie always loved cheesy crap from Lifetime movies, to be honest, she was kind of dumb.”

I dunno, the love is alright, but it’s just not the same without mall goths in scarves and emotionally conflicted who-farted faces.

Lusty naive teen angst, a “strong” female lead who JUST CAN’T GIVE UP on love, with a dash of shiny faux sci-fi. The Machine has computed the new lowest common denominator, and it equal$ an a$$ load of $$$.

Olivia Munn is going to conspicuously love the sh*t out of this, y’all

I can only assume that Stephanie Meyer’s next book will be between a human and a zombie. Either that or give fans what they really want: a cat that can turn into a person that loves them unconditionally who will whisk them away from their shitty life of reading Stephanie Meyer books.

So i assume the film/book I Am Number 4 and this will start the new trend of aliens being angst filled white teenager. John Carpenters Thing from the film “The Thing” is rolling over in its grave right now.