June 4, 2007

Weekend Report

By | June 4, 2007

Editor’s Note: Wasserman has written a collection of short jokes for his entry this time. Enjoy!

• The Pussycat Dolls will be providing the song for this year’s NBA finals. They got the job after the NBA realized that seven Fergies are more annoying than one.

• Their song will be titled, “Don’t Cha Think Ilgauskas is So Ugly.”

• An 11-year-old boy in Alabama shot and killed a 9-foot, 1,000-pound wild hog. So that’s where Sidney Ponson is now.

• Two Nextel Cup drivers wrote letters supporting former NASCAR PR person Chip Williams, who was sentenced to 26 years in prison this week for coercing minors into sexual activity. The two drivers weren’t named, although it is suspected that they race for NASCAR’s Mark Foley Motorsports team.

• Chicago Cubs Carlos Zambrano and Michael Barrett got into a fight in their dugout and locker room that resulted in Barrett having to go to the hospital with an open lip and two black eyes.

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• Earlier this week on Stephen A. Smith’s radio show, Kobe Bryant announced that he would like to be traded from the Lakers. Wait, what?! You mean that Kwame Brown isn’t working out there? No way! I mean who could have predicted that?

• Later the same day, Kobe went on an L.A. radio show and said that he wanted to stay with the Lakers. Of course, he had his fingers crossed, it was opposite day, and he was rubber while Mitch Kupchak was glue.

Related

ByJune 18, 2007

Hey everybody. I’m blogging from humid South Florida. My family and I are visiting my grandparents for a few days, which means no internet for a few days, which means no YouTube videos of animals humping things. I don’t know if I’ll be able to survive. Anyway, I’m at a Starbucks down the road now, where I can pay ＄10 for sweet, sweet T-mobile Wireless DSL.

ByJune 6, 2007

Hey loyal readers! I’m back again to be shallow, silly, and juvenile, because I know that’s what you want. Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I was just on a trip to Greece. Let me tell you, the flight back was awful, because the guy next to me didn’t know how to handle flying. I mean he was coughing up pints of blood into barf bags. He said that he just got married. I sure hope he’s okay. He’s a great kisser though.

Anyway, I couldn’t think of anything to do a long blog entry on, so instead, here’s a bunch of little blurbs about things in recent news.

— This past weekend, competitive eater Joey Chestnut set a new world record by eating 59 ½ hot dogs in 12 minutes. This shattered the previous world record of 53 ¾ dogs, held by six-time Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest champion and ladies’ man Takeru Kobayashi. Now, news outlets and late-night talk show hosts have been quick to crown the 23 year-old Chestnut as the new world champion, but that is definitely not the case. Chestnut broke the record at the Southwest Regional Hot Dog Eating Championship at the frozen tundra of the Arizona Mills Mall in Tempe. This was one of fourteen preliminary competitions to qualify for the main event (the Nathan’s Contest) at Coney Island. As the long-standing defending champion, Kobayashi doesn’t have to qualify, and thus wasn’t there. As a result, Chestnut can’t yet claim the title of world champion until he beats Kobayashi head-to-head. Chestnut came very close last year to dethroning the champ, but finished a dog and 3/4 short. This situation is almost identical to one that appeared in track and field a couple of years ago between sprinters Asafa Powell of Jamaica and Justin Gatlin of the U.S. team. At the 2004 Olympic Games, Gatlin won the gold medal in the 100 meters while Powell finished fifth. In 2005, however, Powell broke Tim Montgomery’s 2002 record in the 100 meters with a time of 9.77 seconds. As a result, this set up one of the most exciting match-ups in sports: the world champion vs. the record holder, which was to take place at the 2005 Athletics World Championships. Of course, Powell got injured a month before and couldn’t compete. Then in 2006, Gatlin tested positive for performance enhancing drugs and was banned from competition for eight years, so it will be unlikely that we will ever get to see the two faceoff again. Lucky for us, that won’t happen this time, unless Chestnut gets his tonsils out and Kobayashi tests positive for vanilla extract.