Tuesday, July 14, 2015

One does not quite understand why this is a problem. But, I
will state the issue as Elizabeth Bernstein defines it in the Wall Street
Journal: What do you do when you seriously dislike your boyfriend’s friends?

Bernstein writes:

About a
year after she started to date her boyfriend, Shanon Lee spotted a
potential deal breaker: his friends. She saw how much his pals, men and women,
drank and cursed, texted crude jokes late at night and canceled plans at the
last minute. They seemed to call only when they needed something, such as
advice or money, she says.

Why, pray tell, does a woman allow herself to spend a year with
a man and never meet his friends? Should she not know that she has the right,
even the duty to judge her boyfriend by the company he keeps? If his friends
reflect badly on him, if they cause her to think less of him, then doubtless
other people in other situations, say professional situations, have similar
reactions.

If you love the man and hate his friends then you probably
do not know the man you are in love with. This one is not even difficult.

As one might expect, the therapy world has a solution that
will solve nothing. Researcher Sarah Gomillion recommends that if you dislike
your partner’s friends, you stick your head in the sand. She does not exactly
use those words; she recommends that you fiddle with your mind so that you do
not notice the problem. You see, it’s all about how you feel. The learned Dr.
Gomillion does not seem to understand the social problems posed by hanging out
with people who disrespect you:

In
light of these findings, Dr. Gomillion says, the best thing you can do if you
find yourself disliking your partner’s friends is to try to feel more secure in
your relationship. She suggests actively reflecting on your partner’s good
qualities as well as how much your partner cares about you. “Be aware that it
is important to have good relationships with people who are important to your
partner,” she says. “You will feel a greater connection to your partner. And
the friends can be supportive.”

As for Ms. Lee, the problem became unbearable when the
following incident occurred:

“One
friend asked if she could stay with us the week I was due to go into labor,”
says Ms. Lee, who lives in the Washington, D.C. area. “It put a strain on our
relationship because it was hard for him to say no to his friends.”

Say what?

So, Ms. Lee had enough. She found her own, therapeutically
incorrect solution:

When
she gave her boyfriend the ultimatum—ditch the friends or risk losing their
relationship—she also suggested they go to counseling together. “It was helpful
to have a third party who was able to see that this was going on and that he
had a problem with boundaries,” says Ms. Lee.

Mr.
Friddle agrees: “It helped me to put those folks in the place they should be in
my life,” he says. “They really were fair-weather friends.”

Mr.
Friddle says he gradually disengaged from them. He told the woman he’d lent
money to that their relationship wasn’t what it used to be and that she only
called when she needed something. He then let the relationship fade.

Granted, once you have a child together, extricating
yourself from a relationship is more difficult. And one approves of Ms. Lee’s
approach.

In the best case the man will learn from his mistakes and
befriend a better group of people. Or else, he might collect another group of insensitive
lowlifes and losers.

The moral of the story is: don’t wait a year before meeting
your lover’s friends. And, if those friends are boors who bully your boyfriend
into doing their bidding, you should move on.

a person can hide their bad traits from the world and partners thru lying and deceptive behavior ... but they can't hide the same bad traits in their friends and associates ... meet their friends and you'll see what they really value ...