Saturday, March 28, 2009

Well, the day has come and passed. John and I had a full day together - beginning with our visit to the cemetery to see Hudson. When we arrived we saw a little something on the dirt - there is still only dirt because grass has not had time to grow. John's brother, wife, and child had a precious floral arrangement with the cutest little bear holding a butterfly net and butterfly sent to be placed on Hudson's grave the afternoon before. I cannot tell you how loved I felt in that moment. Seeing what they had done brought such a joy to me in my sadness. To have others remember Hudson and feel so much love for him as John and I do means more to us than anything anyone could ever imagine.I had mentioned in a previous blog that one of my biggest fears is that everyone will forget my son. Now I am sure that everyone will keep his memory alive and remember him forever. Maybe I needed this day for closure. I know I built this day up in my head and prepared myself emotionally, but it was a much better day than I thought it would be. Again, thanks to God, my family, friends, and amazing husband I got through the day feeling better than ever. I know that I will forever have Hudson in my heart. I also know that I can continue on with my life without being broken. Yes, losing Hudson broke my heart, but it is healing - not overnight, but each day it grows a little more.On a side note - I am joining a book club. My friend and I have decided to start one rather than talk about babies and pregnancy =) Nurturing my mind!

Friday, March 27, 2009

As some of you know tomorrow is the day that John and I were estimated to meet our little Hudson. Unfortunatly that is not the case and instead we will be visiting his grave. All during this week I have been thinking about this day - especially when a girl that was due the day before me had her baby. The week flew by better than I could have imagined. John and I received cards, e-mails, messages - all remembering the hard day we were going to be facing. I am still amazed at the wonderful friends and family he and I have in our lives. Below I am attaching a letter written by a very good friend of mine. She is a VERY talented artist that sent us one of her creations. It came in the mail yesterday - can you say perfect timing? I wanted to share this piece of art with you and I had to include the letter to show you even more of the beauty that lays inside. Enjoy!

Artist Statement

When I began this piece, I thought it was a tribute to myself… to my act of being a mother. I wanted to portray my feelings of giving everything I had to a child that was oblivious of my love. The planning, nurturing, worrying and delivery of this child was no easy task. The figure is naked, empty and uncomfortable. She has no identity. She is just the vessel that was used to bring this life into existence.This wood sculpture was made out of 1“ x 12” white pine. That is just about the most regular piece of wood to buy. But as I glued the pieces together, and cut away the unneeded excess, I realized the personality that was in the wood. It was special. No matter what I did to it, I couldn’t change the predestined purpose that the wood was created for. When I stopped fighting and gave in to the direction that the wood wanted to go, it began to develop as a piece of art that had meaning and purpose. Instead of me conforming the material, its destiny was revealed to me. As I cut into the wood, I envisioned the hidden content, as if the form was hidden and it was my job to find it. I kept seeing it like a jawbreaker. You know how when you suck on a jawbreaker, it changes colors? Usually I can’t wait to see it so I bite it in half to see the rings. That is how I saw the wood. But now, I took great care to keep the underlying form intact. Michelangelo once said, “ I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”I came to love working on it. I looked forward to the freezing cold mornings when I would go outside to carve and sand. I didn’t mind breathing in the dust that would make me sneeze all day. I even justified the blisters that developed on my fingers. I cared for it and nurtured it just as if it were a child. That is when I understood that the sculpture represented the love that a mother has for the baby that she gives birth to. Even though pregnancy is hard with the sleepless nights, stretch marks, weight gain and everything else, it is trivial when a mother holds her child for the first time.I didn’t understand why I was drawn to this subject. Through my struggles as an artist I have learned to let God be my inspiration. I didn’t really want to make a sculpture that had a theme of the pain that love brings to all mothers. I just knew that I was supposed to. In the middle of it’s creation, I learned that a friend of mine had just received the worst news that I could imagine. Her unborn son’s heart had stopped beating. She was about to endure the pain that was represented in this sculpture. She was giving everything she had to a child that couldn’t, for now, understand the enormity of her love. All I could think of was of the pain that she must be in. My heart hurt for her. My soul hurt for her.I looked at the sculpture and saw her. At that moment I understood this inspiration. God had a plan. Weeks earlier, He knew that my friend was going to feel the deepest pain that is imaginable to a mother. He knew that, as a mother, I could relate. As I looked at the hole in my figure’s center, I understood that it represented the place that once nurtured and loved this baby. It is now an empty cavity that is not only absent of a child but of the heart that she so willingly gave it. The figure doesn’t recognize her own nudeness because her concentration is on the child that is swaddled in her warm and caring arms. She is oblivious to all that is around her as she looks at the miracle that lies in her arms. Then, I saw where a crack had formed down the center of her face and into the face of her baby. It almost represents the division that they were enduring.In a way, I believe that during this painful time, God has swaddled and loved my friend like this baby. I know that He cries and hurts deeply as He holds His sweet daughter in his arms. If our love is just a small measure of what God’s love is, I think that my friend’s baby is being well taken care of. I know that God is swaddling and nurturing this very sweet baby until his mommy is there is do it for Him. –Michelle Thaxton

Thursday, March 26, 2009

...tired of talking about pregnancy. Don't get me wrong I am so excited for ALL of my family and friends that are expecting. Amazing that every week someone new is pregnant. I think since we lost Hudson I have found out about 20 people are pregnant and that is probably an understatement. It truly is a great joy that new life is forming all around me. Well, all I can think about is getting pregnant (even though its not my time yet, I still have a few more weeks to wait) and its become an obsession with my mind. I am sad that one of my very best friends, one that would make a wonderful mother, has been trying for months and cannot get pregnant. Its crazy that at 27 years old children and having them is all that is ever discussed in dialogue anymore. Do you want to know the truth? I have always been scared of children. I never jumped at the chance to hold a newborn baby. I think the only ones I ever held were my nieces and nephews - and even then I was scared! I never baby-sat. Well, except that one time when I baby-sat for a little boy and girl and the boy tried to karate chop me and use me as his punching bag....maybe that's why - ha!I have anxiety when I am left alone with a child; mainly because I am scared something dreadful will happen that I can't control. I also always knew that something would be wrong with me when it was my time to have children. Not that anything has been my fault, but I had a strange intuition that child baring would not come easy to me. Everyone else in my family (and most friends) hashad such an easy time with getting pregnant, staying pregnant and having healthy children, but you know how there is always that "one" in every family that things don't easily happen for? Well, I just knew it would be me. Call me pessimistic - which I am definitely not, but I like to prepare myself for the worst.Usually I am so upbeat and positive and while I haven't lost that attitude I think this week has just been a sad one for me. Tomorrow would be the day we should have met Hudson for the first time outside of pregnancy. A girl that was due the day before me had her baby on Monday and all I could think about was that should be me....Hudson should still be inside of me squirming to get out of my overstretched belly. Instead I am working my hardest to lose my belly and the last 8 pounds of pregnancy weight. I haven't even lost the little dark line that forms below the belly button.Oh well, soon everything will be easier - it has only been 2 months after all.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Today we woke up early and went on a City of Angels tour....ugh. It was torture. Now, I loved being able to visit the city and see some of the sites, but our tour guide - wow, she was missing a few important brain cells. Normally I wouldn't say something like that, but when you make comments like, "yes, at the Farmer's Market you can see many Americans" and "you can get fresh fruit - do y'all have fruit where you come from?". Yeah - that's how it was for the entire day. We visited the city of LA, Rodeo Drive, Beverly Hills, and a few other tourist hot spots. We drove by and saw Smokey Robinson getting his star and John and I saw Joan Rivers giving an interview and we got some footage of her. Would I go on this tour again? No, but I enjoyed being able to see some of the tourist attractions.

Smokey Robinson getting his star

Joan Rivers doing an interview on Rodeo Drive

After our tour we met up with John's Uncle Dillard and his cousin Jessica. They live out in that area. If we had been able to plan better we would have stayed an extra day and rented a car to go out and visit his family, but considering I shouldn't have even been going on this trip - because I was scheduled to be due a week later - we didn't plan too much ahead.

That night we packed and got ready to catch our morning flight back home....

Thursday, March 19, 2009

This morning John and I woke up early for the non-mandatory volunteer event. It was called Operation Gratitude and is an organization that makes care packages for our troops over-seas. Please click on the link to visit and see what you can do to help if you are able to!

John making his care packages

Savannah Volunteers

After our volunteer event we hit the parks - Disneyland and California Adventures that is! We had a fantastic time together and John and I rode our first roller coaster together! Can you believe that we had never been on one together until this day? Amazing..

During the night we had a dinner to go to - sort of an awards dinner. We listened to the CEO Brian Dunn speak about the company, watched a slide show, ate dinner, and enjoyed the award show. John's store all decided to dress alike in black in pink...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Day 2 in California! This morning John got to attend meetings and all sorts of things while I got to go to Santa Monica for the day. I rode on a bus and visited the pier and city of Santa Monica. Before we left for out trip I looked up Santa Monica and they mentioned a Chess Park - so OF COURSE I had to go see what it was about. I was so excited!.When we got back from Santa Monica we headed to a free concert - Chickenfoot. It's a group composed of - Sammy Hagar (from Van Halen), Chad Smith (from Red Hot Chili Peppers), Michael Anthony (from Van Halen), and Joe Satriani. This was their first performance ever - pretty much a red carpet event...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

EARLY this morning we caught our flight to Anaheim, CA - by way of Atlanta, GA. John and I are so looking forward to this trip - after everything that has gone on the past few months a little vacation is nice! One funny thing about us leaving is that we are leaving Savannah when the most of the world is traveling too Savannah for the HUGE St. Patrick's Day event. We really don't mind leaving the festivities behind =)

The reason we are able to go on this trip is because his work won a contest over the holidays and the top 5 in each store level get to take their families on an all expenses paid trip! After our flight we arrived and dropped our luggage in a huge pile of luggage and caught a bus to our hotel - Marriott Anaheim. The hotel was great and our first step was to check in followed by John registering. Our first present (John's work always gives away freebies!) was a digital camera and a few other little things.

The view from our room

After registering and getting settled we headed to Dave and Busters to eat dinner and play some fun games! The place also has a bowling ally and some other great shopping venues.

Friday, March 13, 2009

For the first time in my life I feel I am stress free. Its amazing - I have always had horrible anxiety and seemed to be a about many things. I have not had any of those feelings for a few days now! Most people would probably think that from the events the past 2 months I would be going crazy and stressed to the max. By the Grace of God I am content. I am free from worry and fear. I know that everything that happens in my life is going to happen for a reason - it is already written in God's storybook that contains my life.Its truly amazing how God speaks to you through life tribulations and trials. Never has He spoken so clearly to me. He has been knocking at my door and even though I have always been a Christian I have never been one to talk about my faith. Having faith was always a private affair in my life. I see now that God does not want me to be private about my belief in Him and I am completely encouraged by how others are reading my latest stories and wanting to learn more about what God can do in their lives.Its funny, I have always wanted to have "a story". Not just any story, but one of those stories that really impact a person's life - like the ones missionaries tell or people that never believed in God can tell. They always talked about how off track their lives were and how everything changed when they found God. I was always secretly jealous because I have known God my whole life and I would never have a cool story to tell others. Well, God has definitely given me a story - and one that is making in difference in my life. Its not only that I wanted to have a story, but I wanted to be able to USE the story. The fact is I am ecstatic that I have a story that will be able to help others; those that might be going through similar situations or just those curious blog searchers.I have also found myself going back to my original life plan in becoming a counselor. With my new experiences I want to be able to help others going through similar events. Hopefully starting next spring I will be a graduate student obtaining my masters. The short plan is to have my degree within three years - all depending upon getting a job (if needed) and having kids. We know we want to have kids and we would love to have a couple within the next few years, so we are planning for that also - if it is meant to happen; even if its through adoption. Making a difference in others lives means a lot to me and I want to try and do that as much as I can and lately I feel that God has been calling me to do that. If it is meant to be then it will happen! Let His Will be done :)

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Once again I am writing with bad news - seems as if this year has been full of bad news for John and I. Yesterday my position was "done away with" at the bank - therefore leaving me unemployed. Crazy that this isn't the worst thing that has happened this year. It is crazy that the year is only 2 months deep and so much has happened. As usual I am staying my normal upbeat and enthusiastic self. I would not know how to face something otherwise. Maybe I feel that being depressed and upset about something will not solve the puzzle that is laid before me and that it would only deepen the problem. Of course I was upset, but mainly due to insurance issues. Last Saturday was the deadline for us to sign up for John's insurance, but luckily (praise the Lord!) we are able to sign up in April once mine expires. I think I only got upset because being laid off would stop me from doing what I want most right now - which is having a baby. Without insurance that would not have been possible, but now everything is okay. I am dissappointed, but I think to myself that there are thousands of people across America that are being laid off. I am happy that I was laid off rather than others. I am very lucky to have a husband that is able to support us and a family that will be here to help us out if needed. Yes, this may put our house plans on a little hiatus, but I can deal with that. I am able to take this lay off with pride because I know that there are other people that would not have been able to support their families without their jobs - with mortgages, car payments, kids, college, etc. Everything is going to be okay and this too shall pass.This year has been rough - never have I experienced so much sadness and grief. Everything became a little clearer today after a conversation with my mom. We were talking about how others have been inspired by my faith, my enthusiasm, and my outlook on life during the past few months. I joked that if the Lord wanted me to inspire others He could have just told me instead of all of this happening - I would have found a way. She said that its not the Lord doing this; its Satan. Of course I know that the Lord does not willingly bring affliction or cause grief to His people (Lamentations 3:33), but I had never thought about Satan trying to bring me to his side - "the dark side". As I got into my car I laughed - I literally laughed at Satan. I am not easily influenced - how is it that he thinks I would come to join him in his demonic world? Why would I chose him over God? Then I started thinking about how at rough times people become angry at God when they should really be yelling at Satan and demanding that he leave them alone.So this is my new plan, you can use it too, but I know its going to work for me. Each day as I thank God for what He is doing in my life and all that He has given me I am going to thank Satan for pushing me closer to God. I'm going to thank him for using me as an example to others and thank him that through me I am able to encourage other believers of God and inspire others that have not given themselves to God yet. I am going to laugh at him as more people turn to God while he tries to turn me against Him. I now feel that if I changed, encouraged, or set a godly example to one person at my ex-place of employment then my job was a success and the "lay-off" is now more of a "move-off". My time there was done and its time to move on to another group of people that need me and my faith in their daily life. I feel honored that God is using me and I am encouraged that He knows how strong I am. I always knew I was strong - that John and I have a strong marriage, but I never knew we were THIS strong. He knows that I am able to fight off Satan and all his influences - really why would anyone want to trade in an artificial happiness with Satan for a few years when they have all of eternity with God to look forward to? So, as we reflect on what has happened to me these past few months know that I am ok, I am better than ok. I am seeing things in a better light and know that I have a special purpose.I thank all of you for your prayers and thoughts and ask you to keep on praying and not only for me, but for those that I am meant to encourage and lead by example to have relationships (or better relationships) with Christ. Pray that many others will do as I have done and kick Satan to the curb laughing at him all the way.Love, Kimberly

Friday, March 6, 2009

the day John, myself, family and friends wore stickers in memory of little Hudson. Each year Savannah has a "kick-off" inolving a 5k (called the Shamrock Run) to their annual St. Patrick's Day events. The money raised in this annual event is given to the March of Dimes. We could not think of a better reason to pay to run (and run while badly out of shape!!) than running for all the little babies that need our help to have a chance in life. Even though Hudson's case was not something that money from the March of Dimes would have supported (since we lost his heartbeat and there were no scientific reasons or "defects") we still wanted Hudson to be the reason we ran. I created stickers with Hudson's feet prints on them along with his name and date of birth - they were perfect! My sister and I ran in this 5k last year but it was nice to more of a meaning to run this year. Its funny - I have always donated to the March of Dimes, but now I feel more of a connection to the program and want to do everything I can to help out the charity.For those of you that do not know about the March of Dimes here is a brief summary of what they do. Their mission is to improve the health of babies by preventing defects, premmature birth, and infant mortality. They do this through research, community services, education and advocacy to save babies lives. For more information please visit their website and maybe you will want to help out in giving more babies a chance at life - http://marchofdimes.com/