The Scoop

Three praying mantises? In one day? I have only ever seen one before this and now three in one day. I likely came across more but they sway just like grass in their movements, making them difficult to spot. In a world where dandelions are skyscrapers and flies are pigeons, praying mantises are genuinely terrifying. If we were in their weight class, we would not have developed language, or invented tools; there would be no competition. We would hide in holes in the ground scraping pictures of the mantis into the walls, while traveling above ground in constant fear of our vulnerable necks. Luckily, I stomp through this field in heavy boots at 5 feet 10 inches tall, possibly destroying their nests without being aware. This does not make me upset:Capital punishment is the only option when dealing with another murderer.

Something the mantis and I have in common is the desire to cannibalize our mates after copulation. There is nothing I would love to do more than to squeeze my lover’s head with my mandibles slowly, allowing their brains to rupture in my mouth after orgasm. Unfortunately, as a male, this would also kill the opportunity for my son to be born. I will have to instead wait nine months for my son’s birth before I can eat my mate. Do you know how hard it is to keep someone around for nine months? It’s not easy, especially when you are a cannibal; a huge stigma surrounds them.

I find the best way to keep someone in your house is to provide them with sustenance. Sling a bowl of beef barley soup into their gut and they will never desire another lover. Make sure you let that beef simmer all day, or the flavours will not meld to your son-bearer’s liking. They will leave if you don’t include a couple of bay leaves. These are essential in providing the flickering earthy taste that will make any lair feel like home.

JACK LYTLE

Jack is a professional writer in training, but already is a seasoned unprofessional cook. He enjoys both activities equally, though one satisfies his soul, the other his stomach.

SPINE ONLINE

Algonquin’s School of Media and Design offers a two-year program in Professional Writing, designed for people who have an aptitude and passion for writing and a willingness to practise their craft in a variety of media. This is the online portion of that media training. Graduates will possess exemplary writing skills for both print media and electronic platforms, and this is their practice ground.