Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
4551

Death on the Golf Course
Joe was teeing off from the mens' tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Wendy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Joe got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy: "Joe, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head," the coroner said. "You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
"Yes, sir, that's correct," Joe said.
"Joe, I also found a golf ball wedged up her butt," the coroner said.
"Was it a Titleist 3?" Joe asked.
"Yes, it was," the coroner replied.
"That was my mulligan." Ryan Murphy

Tuesday

Joke
N°
4552

While You Were Gone
A woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying: "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then Daddy got on top of her..."
The boy’s mother held up her hand. "Not another word," she said: "Wait till your Father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The Father came home soon afterward. As he walked into the house, his wife said: "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."
"But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Son. Tell Daddy just what you told me."
"Well," the son said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when Daddy was away last summer." Ryan Murphy

Wednesday

Joke
N°
4553

Lucky Dog
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says: "I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says: "He'd probably let you if you pet him a little bit first." Ryan Murphy

Thursday

Joke
N°
4554

The Doctor’s Assistant
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his rather dim-witted assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he said. "I want you to take care of all my patients."
"Yes sir!" Murphy said enthusiastically.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache, so I gave him Paracetamol," he explained.
"Bravo Murphy lad," the doctor said, "and the second one?"
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," Murphy said.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this -- and what about the third one?" the
doctor asked.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in. Like a bolt out of the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: "HELP ME for the love of St. Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!"
"Lord thundering Jesus, Murphy, what did you do?" the doctor asked.
"I did the only thing I could do," Murphy said: "I put drops in her eyes!"
Ryan Murphy

Friday

Joke
N°
4555

Weak in the Knees
A Doctor had an elderly patient "drop in" on him for an unscheduled appointment.
"What can I do for you today, Mr. Smith?" the Doctor asked.
The aged gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak and I can hardly catch my breath... Doctor, I'm frightened!"
The Doctor, looking at his 86-year-old patient, said: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"
The old gentleman thought for a moment and said, "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"
Ryan Murphy

Saturday

Joke
N°
4556

A Blonde's Revenge
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells: "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies: "Shut up, you're next."
Ryan Murphy

Sunday

Joke
N°
4557

Life Long Ambition
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra, Florida, exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land.
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as do many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.
Recently, he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.
However, before he could hit it, a powerful voice from above came booming out from the clouds, saying: "WAIT... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE."
He complied. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: "WAIT. STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."
So, he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this Heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again: "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."
Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited. A long silence followed...
Then the voice again boomed: "USE THE OLD BALL."
Ryan Murphy