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TOPFIVE.COM'S LITTLE FIVERS -- MOVIES
More fun than a barrel of Adam Sandlers!
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June 6, 2003
NOTE FROM KRISTIAN:
Last week we described movie plots as
if they were on a police blotter.
This week, a different take...
The Top 9 Movies Described by a Dumb Guy
9. Terminator 2: Arnold's a Terminator, only he's a good
Terminator, and the dude from The X-Files -- no, not him, the
other one that Scully never hooked up with -- he's a bad
Terminator and they're protecting John Connor, and Lisa
Hamilton is like waaay cut. Then Arnie melts.
8. Memento: So the bad guy in The Matrix gets killed by this
Brad-Pitt-lookin' dude, but he's not really dead 'cause that
doesn't happen until the end of the movie. Then the Pitt guy
gets weird-ass tattoos telling him he needs to kill the guy
he killed, and then the chick from The Matrix shows up and
tricks him into doing what he did already. And then the movie
starts.
7. Dumb and Dumber: A classic, thought-provoking thriller about
two geniuses who overcome major obstacles to score with
Lauren Holly.
6. Carrie: This dumpy chick has, like, this weird mind power but
she goes to the prom with the hottest guy in school but then
some other kids dump pig's blood on her and she gets pissed
and burns down the school by starin' really hard.
5. Basic Instinct: That old guy who's nailing the hot chick from
Zorro is a cop, and he's like, trying to catch that blonde from
the AOL commercial (who I swear, dude, totally shows her
beav!) because she's like, doing guys then stabbing them with
an ice pick while they're getting it on.
4. The Birds: These crows go crazy and kill Bob Newhart's wife.
3. Citizen Kane: This kid gets like, a million dollars, then he
runs a newspaper in the dark and buys an opera for this chick
he's sleeping with. Then they throw all his stuff in the fire.
2. Star Trek 2: So Captain Kirk pissed off this Khan guy a long
time ago, and it's that tall dude from Fantasy Island, but
he looks different cuz his hair is long and he's been wailin'
on his pecs, man, and he wants to get this rocket that will
grow plants anywhere you shoot it but Spock totally dies.
and the Number 1 Movie Described by a Dumb Guy...
1. Braveheart: Mad Max is this Irish dude who wears a skirt and
he's all, "I hate the English! The English suck!" and the
King of Englishland is all like "No, YOU suck! I'm going to
take your land and your women and throw gay dudes out the
window!" so Max is all like, "Freedom!" and paints his face
blue and totally moons the English dudes! So they all fight
and Mad Max is all like "Yahhh!" and the English are all like
"Whoah! This dude is a bad ass, even if he does wear a skirt!"
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
[ www.topfive.com ]
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