Friday, January 24, 2014

A Rant About My Frustrations and Your Beauty (Not Your Body): For Those With Insecurities

Nobody wants to talk about their insecurities. But that’s exactly what I’m going to do right now. Not because I need the attention. Because, honestly, who wants their insecurities pointed out on the internet? I’d rather ya’ll just forget I had imperfections at all (which, as I've talked about before, I'm still learning about). But I'm just gonna be straight-up for like, five minutes.

This comes from having a really bad day yesterday, and KNOWING that I’m not the only girl who has those days where she can’t think ANYTHING positive about herself.Because that’s what happened. All day I was constantly assaulted by hateful thoughts toward myself. Every mirror screamed, “YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, AND YOU WON’T BE. HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELF? COME TAKE A LOOK. YOU’RE NOTHING SPECIAL. YOU’RE AWFUL.” I tried all day to block it out, but it ended with me in tears at 2 a.m., too depressed and discouraged to sleep, and I just let the accusations hit me while I sat there by myself. I hated myself, and I hated that I didn't have an answer for the hateful voices in my head.

There were people who were able to encourage me last night and throughout today, but it’s still something embarrassing that really isn’t fun to text or talk about. So I really didn’t dwell on it much, until I got home late tonight, and I randomly talked to Mama about it (which is something I should have done right away. Mama makes everything better. Even when you're almost 20 years old).

Like any good mother would be, she was instantly mortified that I could even consider the thought that I’m anything but beautiful, and promptly encouraged me in the contrasting notion. But she still listened to me explain why had reached that conclusion.

And, in talking with her, I came to another conclusion:

I AM NOT MY APPEARANCE.

Let me explain: I am not simply created as something physical. I am not simply a body. I am a spirit, a soul, a personality, a laugh, a mind, a voice, a heart (all of which are of much greater value and beauty than any physical body could be). If there were some odd way that you could take away my physical body without killing me, I would be no less me. Because my body is not my definition. It’s a part of me, but it’s not who I am. It is not my identity.

We discussed this a bit in my philosophy class, when the professor brought up Descartes defense of existence: “I think; therefore I am.” The ability to think, and to reason, was what Descartes used to draw the conclusion that he existed. Apart from his body and everything physical, he existed metaphysically.

The same goes here. My appearance is not "Casey Garland Heard." As "Casey Garland Heard," I am a lot of things besides my body. I am a singer; I am a writer; I am a thinker; I am a loud laugher; I am a leader. I imagine; I dream; I love; I speak; I feel. I have a personality, a specific tone to my voice, and intrinsic spiritual value that cannot be stripped from me, no matter how I look.

Psalm 139 talks about how we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” This passage is often given to girls who feel that they are nothing beautiful. However, I believe this goes beyond the physical. I am fearfully and wonderfully made physically, yes; but so is everything about me. There is no one like me; not only physically, but spiritually, mentally, emotionally, in every way. “You are the one who created my innermost parts; You knit me together in my mother’s womb,” (139:13). He didn’t just design me physically; He designed me entirely.

YOU are beautiful because YOU are beautiful. Your body is simply the package.

I'm still learning. And I'm not gonna give up on learning. Because I'm sick of hating myself."I’m sick of mirrors screaming hateI’m sick of girls resigned to a fateof those like our mothershunching our shouldersBecause we’ve had all we could take.

But I want the confidence to stand."1/21/14

Let's kick this thing called Insecurities. Let's have the bravery to look those ugly accusations in the face and say, "You don't know who I am. Because if you knew who I was, you wouldn't dare accuse the Daughter and carefully-designed Masterpiece of the King."