Anecdotes of a Hotel Night Auditor

Menu

Today I Saved The Entire Hotel From Potentially Having The Shits

I set up some simple breakfast options this morning. Luna usually set that up when she arrives, but I often have early departures, and I feel that it is important that the hotel offers those people some fresh coffee and food before they head out. Luna hates when I do this, which means I get enjoyment from it. After I unlocked the dairy cooler, I made a bowl of cereal. My milk was warm. I checked the temperature in the cooler, it said the inside of the cooler was 55 degrees. I am positive that it is supposed to be 40 degrees, but Luna has so many milks and yogurts stacked inside that thing, that the temperature can’t get low enough. I removed all of the yogurt, and milk, and fed it all to the garbage can. I refilled the cooler with fresh, new, and properly cooled dairy, and then I made the coffee. After about 30 minutes, I checked the cooler. The temperature started going down, and I was feeling better about what we are serving the guests this morning.

Since Luna has made it a point to accuse me of stealing, and hiding the television remote whenever she cannot find it, I decided to have some fun with her. I never put the remote anywhere where she cannot access it, but, the cable box is located behind the television, that means we need to hang a sensor in front of the television. I took the sensor, and hid it behind the cable box. I left the channel on the local news station, which is our standard. Now Luna cannot change the channel to reruns of the George Lopez show, which the guests don’t seem to dislike, but most times they want to channel back on the news so they can check on the weather, and new road travel updates.

A guest walked to my desk and asked if there was hot coffee made. I assured him, that I just prepared it, and it was still fresh. That was the same time Luna walked in. As the man was about to pump out his coffee, she walked up to him, excused herself as she barged in front of him, and started grabbing the coffee from the counter.

“Luna, I just made that coffee. Please don’t take it away.” I said.

She stopped, looked at me for a moment, and grabbed one of the fresh coffees. The man looked at her like he was ready to yell at her, and she got wide eyed with confusion.

“The man at the desk just told me he made fresh coffee, and then he told you not to dump it, so why did you just shove me out of your way to take away the coffee that I was just getting for myself?” Said the guest.

Luna looked like a deer frozen in headlights.

“I’m sorry, sir, I just wanted to make sure the coffee was actually fresh just for you.” Said Luna, with a fake nervous smile on her face. The man called her out immediately.

“He just told you the coffee is fresh. It is too early in the morning for me to deal with nonsense, especially when I haven’t had my coffee yet.”

Luna cautiously returned the coffee to the counter, then she picked up the television remote, and attempted to change the channel. It didn’t work. She checked the batteries, and tried the remote again. The volume works, but the channel won’t change.

“Why can’t I change the channel?” She asked.

“Because the television Gods want to show this nice gentleman the morning news.” I replied.

She dropped the remote on the sofa, and went to the kitchen. A moment later she walked out with a tray of omelets, and put them on the buffet.

“Luna, how did you heat up the omelets so fast?” I asked.

She glared at me with the look of death again, and walked away. I went to the buffet and picked up one of the omelets. The taco shaped egg-like thing was cold, and the cheese inside it was still a solid chunk of cheese. I took the tray and carried it back to the kitchen. Luna was outraged to see me do that, but let’s face it, when I politely greet her in the morning she reacts as if I am insulting her, so rage on Luna! I put the omelets in the microwave and let them heat up properly.

“Why did you just touch my food?” She asked.

“Because if I let anyone eat it after you let it slowly warm up under that heat lamp, we are going to have a hotel full of people shitting their pants.” I said.

“Get out of my kitchen, now.” She insisted, like a boss.

“What do you think you can do about me being here, Luna?” I asked.

“How would you like it if I were to walk behind the front desk, and get into your business?” She asked.

“You can’t. I lock you out. You have no access to the office, the desk, and the housekeeping closets, because I lock you out.” I reminded her.

Luna huffed at me, crossed her arms, and stared at me like my mother did when I was a kid, and she wanted me to see how furious she was, which was intimidating to me as a kid. Luna does not have that same power, and I mimicked her stance. She gave me the wide eyed look of anger, and walked back out to the dining room. I grabbed a banana bread muffin, and walked back to the dining room. Luna glared at me with distaste for taking the muffin.

“I love banana muffins.” I said to the guest as I walked back to the desk.

“I like those lightly toasted, with some fresh butter.” Said the guest.

“Today is your lucky day, sir. I happen to have a toaster oven behind my desk, and I would be happy to toast a muffin for you.” I said.

The man accepted my generous, and simple offer, and Luna continued showing her hatred of me. I was messing with her mojo. I was stepping on her toes, and preventing her from trying to impress the guest. Luna might have an unhealthy obsession with hating me, but not being able to cater to a guests needs really grinds her gears.

After the guest left the building, Luna walked back to the coffee counter, and removed all of my coffee, then she wandered into the laundry room where she did her usual rummaging through their best cleaning rags. While she was doing that, I went to the kitchen, unplugged the coffee maker, returned the still full coffee pumps to the coffee counter, and returned to my desk before Luna could see what I was up to.

Luna is a very lucky lady. It happens that I am not working on the first day of April. Oh the joy I would experience if I were working on the first day of April.