Once again this list is a Kpopalypse website exclusive and won’t be reposted anywhere else (mainly due to lack of relevance given that these are older videos now, but also because reposting a 32-link YouTube list takes a lot of time to re-edit and I’m too lazy). Previous years will be done in future posts. In the meantime, read on and enjoy these alphabetically-sorted lists of some songs that I liked and didn’t like from 2013!

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

Apink – Nonono

Keep telling yourselves that Apink are “cute” and “innocent”, fangirls. In the meantime I’ll enjoy the near-constant ass-shaking, generous upskirt angles and figure-hugging girl-next-door fetish wear. From memory the song’s pretty good too but it’s been a while since I listened to it – I don’t usually watch porn with the sound up.

B.A.P – One Shot

This video cost $1m to make, and if you’re a fan you’d better appreciate every last cent because B.A.P themselves paid right through the fucking nose for it out of their royalties and live performance money. At least the music rocks and the label didn’t give them some softcock R&B bullshit like they do for every second B.A.P comeback these days.

D-Unit – Talk To My Face

D-Unit were great but their timing was unfortunate. They stopped releasing cool songs like this at around the same time their obvious mentors 2NE1 also stopped doing anything decent. Had D-Unit waited until 2015 and debuted they would have been hailed as the second coming of rhinoplasty-pop.

F-ve Dolls – You Cheated

No m-n- album was better than F-ve Dolls’ m-n- -n 2013 and th-s song was the type of n-ce cru-sy sh-t that CCM cons-stently get r-ght and other labels get wrong. – also really apprec-ated the v-deo, you can tell that the g-rls have been ordered to stand “just so” so that the-r boobs reflect the l-ght at exactly the r-ght angle. KKS -s a fuck-ng gen-us… aga-n.

G-Dragon – Crooked

The problem with G-Dragon isn’t a lack of ability, it’s a lack of taste. He can produce really good pop songs like “Crooked” when he wants to – he just usually doesn’t want to. There’s still hope however that one day in the future he may again be this reasonably-above-average so I’ll sit and patiently wait by the harbour for G-Dragon to return from Traponia, Fabled Domain Of Yoloswags.

KARA – Damaged Lady

“Damaged Lady” is about as obviously heavy metal as Sweetune is probably ever going to get. Hell, they even plugged their guitars in this time. DSP delivered the goods for the last hurrah of the KARA 2.0 lineup (I’m pretending those shitty songs for the Japanese market didn’t happen) both musically and with copious wet-T-shirt fanservice.

LC9 feat. Gain – MaMa Beat

LC9’s nugu agency clearly couldn’t afford the surcharge for Gain’s asscheek flesh to actually appear in the video, but her token contribution is the least interesting thing about this song anyway, severely upstaged by a driving rhythm and more idols getting punched in the face than any netizen could ever want.

Lee Hi – Rose

Very similar to but not quite as good as Ladies Code’s “Hate You“, “Rose” was still pretty fucking good and proof that maybe grafting Diana Ross’ head onto Gollum’s body wasn’t as bad an idea for the world of Korean music as it sounded like in theory.

Lim Kim – All Right

“Indie” my fucking ass, if Mystic89 qualifies as an “indie” label, so does JYP. Some people will believe any old bullshit marketing crap labels throw out there, but the song is decent so whatever. Trivia: apparently Lim Kim gets her unusual vocal tone by pushing her larynx down, an activity which sounds like a job for Kpopalypse.

Stellar – Study

The last song Stellar did before their label went “fuck it – nothing else we try is working, let’s just get their tits and ass out, it’s obviously what people want”, “Study” was musically almost as worthy of success as “Marionette” anyway, and the group’s later career trajectory prompted some serious “study” of my own.

Tahiti – Love Sick

Tahiti have always had consistently good songs, which is probably why they’re forever stuck in nugu land, Koreans have consistently shown that they’re only interested in crappy ballads and twee softcock nonsense. How groups like T-ara and Orange Caramel have found a way to thrive in the k-pop market is a minor miracle.

T-ara – Bunny Style

Okay so it’s far from T-ara’s best but have you any idea of the determination levels required to act sexy while lying on Lego pieces? Then there’s that “bunny twerk” which T-ara are now stuck with and will have to perform every time they go to Japan, and they’re rapidly approaching the age where that’s going to really hurt their knees. Sticking it on this list just to get sensitive-man points with Eunjung.

Trouble Maker – Now

4Minute’s Hyuna turned up the skank factor to 11 in the excellent “Now”, leaving Beast’s Hyunseung looking decidely unbeastly and way out of his depth with a severe case of DiCaprio Syndrome. Feminist bloggers went apeshit about the song promoting domestic violence or whatever but they all made the mistaken assumption that people were actually noticing the MV’s plot in the first place.

2NE1 – Falling In Love

Ask a room full of people “hands up who wanted a reggae comeback from 2NE1 in 2013” and you’ll see less extended limbs than at quadriplegic bingo night. However ignoring the fact that it wasn’t the IATB 2.0 that 2NE1 fans desperately wanted (and still haven’t been given yet, YG) the song actually rocked in a “I can’t believe they did this lame fucking reggae-lite bullshit again but oh well the bassline is nice and gets it over the line this time I guess” kind of way.

2PM – A.D.T.O.Y.

Mesmeric and hypnotising, like a dream of being trapped in an endless vortex of SM-style box-like rooms “Being John Malkovich” style, “A.D.T.O.Y.” is the perfect k-pop song to fall asleep to, but in a good way. Just don’t dream about Jay Park, or JYP will whisper his name in your ear until you wake up screaming.

Two X – Ring Ma Bell

The combination of heavy face-smashing ravecore electro-bass thump and twee melody really works in this beautifully melodic and thoroughly danceable song. It’s like being pegged by Tinkerbell.

DISHONOURABLE MENTIONS

After School – First Love

Pledis cracked the whip at After School for months to try and teach the girls basic stripper skills but just ended up inadvertently sending half of them to hospital. If they’d only thought about flagellating their songwriter as well we might have at least got something better than the k-pop girl equivalent of some shitty Barry White song.

BESTie – Pit-A-Pat

BESTie took quite a while to escape Nuguville and the reason why is that their first crop of songs were all messy bullshit like this. To their credit the girls try their hardest to distract from the horrible music quality with copious amounts of ass-waving, so it’s not a complete waste.

Davichi ft. Verbal Jint – Be Warmed

Davichi seem to consistently be the exception to the “CCM know how to give their artists ballads better than everybody else” rule. That’s what you get in k-pop when you can actually sing – songwriters serve you hideous vocal-wank shit like this to perform instead of actual songs.

Delight – School Bell, Ding Ding Ding!

If you think that song title is a bit confused and awkward, wait until you hear the song itself, an incredible train-wreck of 80s rap shoehorned in between weird bullshit nursery-rhyme melodies. Is it good for me, or is it good for you? I’d suggest neither.

Fiestar – I Don’t Know

Speaking of nursery rhyme bullshit melodies, Shinsadong Tiger took a break from writing actual songs to throw Fiestar a remake of “Ten Little Indians“, of all things. Maybe he was targeting k-pop’s newly emerging pre-schooler market, but then that makes no sense because the video is mainly about perving at tits, so perhaps he was just trolling the group because they weren’t cooperative Bangbus riders.

F-ve Dolls – Soulmate #1

The only dud on the excellent F-ve Dolls m-n-, th-s screechy, n-ghtmar-sh th-rd rate clone of T-ara’s “Roly Poly” got the retro fash-on r-ght and the mus-c -ncred-bly wrong plus -t features one of Korean g-rl pop’s most unl-stenable choruses ever. – do not l-key l-key d-s, – do not l-key l-key dat.

4Minute – Is It Poppin’?

If “What’s Your Name?” is the aural equivalent of being anally raped with the blunt end of a theremin, then “Is It Poppin?” is the aural equivalent of having someone apply soothing anal cream immediately afterward. It might feel slightly better than the theremin did, but your asshole is still gonna hurt.

GI (Global Icon) ft. Dok2 – Booshit (Don’t Lie)

As if “Beatles” wasn’t a stupid enough song name (good luck Google searching that one), GI’s label went the whole hog with a follow-up song purely designed to get them banned off TV, because being consigned to nugu status is important. Just to rub salt into the would, they then got Dok2 involved. No wonder GI are suing, their label must really hate them.

GLAM – I Like That

I’m surprised that I don’t like this much because I usually enjoy the music of hardened career criminals like Burzum, GG Allin, David Allan Coe and Crayon Pop, but really the only good thing about “I Like That” is Zinni’s breakdancing move at 0:24… and she wasn’t even an accessory!

Hello Venus – Would You Like Some Tea?

Yes, I would like some tea. What I wouldn’t like is some shitty k-pop song that rips off Pachebel’s “Canon In D” so kindly fuck off with that shit, thank you.

MBLAQ – Smoky Girl

Featuring probably the single most repetitive k-pop chorus hook in the form’s history, even T-ara’s “Bo Peep Bo Peep” chorus has more variety and depth than what’s on offer here. When a song’s lyrical message is intellectually outclassed by a bunch of girls with fox ears making cat gestures while pretending to be sheep, you know you’re in trouble.

miss A – Hush

“Hush” threatens to be great, but each time the song sounds like it’s finally going somewhere vaguely interesting, the whole arrangement just flops over and dies right in the ass. There’s a silver lining though – nobody hired E-Tribe to write songs after this, so if this was the song that made them reconsider their k-pop songwriting career maybe some good has come out of it.

Sistar – Give It To Me

Hey, everybody, let’s get KARA’s excellent “Pandora“, slow the thing down to about half speed, remove all the cool keyboard and guitar riffs, and replace it with a bunch of lame “oooh oooh” crap. Yeah, or let’s not. At about 3:25 the video director can’t handle it and stops the proceedings, saying “it isn’t enough”, I guess even he couldn’t stand by idly and watch this utter bullshit unfold, even when collecting a paycheck for it.

Taeyang – Ringa Linga

When I did the dishonourable mentions list for 2014 I originally included this song by mistake even though it came out in 2013 instead, that’s how desperate to shit on this disgusting slab of generic yolotard I was at the time. Pity me.

T-ara N4 – Jeon Won Diary

I wanted to like this song as much as the next rational person, but after using the delightfully snide lyrics to gleefully shred the arguments of herd-mentality netizens who irrationally hated T-ara for the 295th time I had to finally admit that the song itself was a confused mess nearly as bad as SNSD’s “I Got A Boy“. Also the song goes on for too long, there’s just too many sections, it really could have used some editing down. There’s a few bits that go on for ages and don’t really add anything new or interesting, they just go on for a long time. There’s no point going on for so long like that. Your average k-pop song rarely exceeds 3 and a half minutes so there’s really no need. Why have a pop song that overstays its welcome by going on for too long. It really should have been a little bit shorter. I think they definitely could have shortened it a bit. Also there’s some bits in the song that just go on for a bit too long. There’s no reason to make something so long like that when it doesn’t need to be, especially if it’s not really adding anything. There’s really no excuse for it when these groups are working with such a tight pop song format. Why have something go on so long when it doesn’t need to. It’s not really adding anything at all except just extra bulk. It’s absolutely not necessary to have some parts of the song go on for such a long time, especially when nothing’s really happening. They really could have edited it down a little, it wouldn’t have killed them. Don’t they know that the average pop song is shorter than this for a reason. It really doesn’t need to be this long. Why are there some parts of the song that go on for such a long time? I really don’t feel that it’s necessary. I don’t think that the songwriters thought through the arrangement very well because some of it is just too lengthy for a pop song. There’s just too many different parts and they could have easily chopped some of it out and got a better song as a result. In pop music there’s no need to go on for so long. There’s just too many sections, it really could have used some editing down. There’s a few bits that go on for ages and don’t really add anything new or interesting, they just go on for a long time. There’s no point going on for so long like that. Your average k-pop song rarely exceeds 3 and a half minutes so there’s really no need. Why have a pop song that overstays its welcome by going on for too long. It really should have been a little bit shorter. I think they definitely could have shortened it a bit. Also there’s some bits in the song that just go on for a bit too long. There’s no reason to make something so long like that when it doesn’t need to be, especially if it’s not really adding anything. There’s really no excuse for it when these groups are working with such a tight pop song format. Why have something go on so long when it doesn’t need to. It’s not really adding anything at all except just extra bulk. It’s absolutely not necessary to have some parts of the song go on for such a long time, especially when nothing’s really happening. They really could have edited it down a little, it wouldn’t have killed them. Don’t they know that the average pop song is shorter than this for a reason. It really doesn’t need to be this long. Why are there some parts of the song that go on for such a long time? I really don’t feel that it’s necessary. I don’t think that the songwriters thought through the arrangement very well because some of it is just too lengthy for a pop song. There’s just too many different parts and they could have easily chopped some of it out and got a better song as a result. In pop music there’s no need to go on for so long. There’s just too many sections, it really could have used some editing down. There’s a few bits that go on for ages and don’t really add anything new or interesting, they just go on for a long time. There’s no point going on for so long like that. Your average k-pop song rarely exceeds 3 and a half minutes so there’s really no need. Why have a pop song that overstays its welcome by going on for too long. It really should have been a little bit shorter. I think they definitely could have shortened it a bit. Also there’s some bits in the song that just go on for a bit too long. There’s no reason to make something so long like that when it doesn’t need to be, especially if it’s not really adding anything. There’s really no excuse for it when these groups are working with such a tight pop song format. Why have something go on so long when it doesn’t need to. It’s not really adding anything at all except just extra bulk. It’s absolutely not necessary to have some parts of the song go on for such a long time, especially when nothing’s really happening. They really could have edited it down a little, it wouldn’t have killed them. Don’t they know that the average pop song is shorter than this for a reason. It really doesn’t need to be this long. Why are there some parts of the song that go on for such a long time? I really don’t feel that it’s necessary. I don’t think that the songwriters thought through the arrangement very well because some of it is just too lengthy for a pop song. There’s just too many different parts and they could have easily chopped some of it out and got a better song as a result. In pop music there’s no need to go on for so long. There’s just too many sections, it really could have used some editing down. There’s a few bits that go on for ages and don’t really add anything new or interesting, they just go on for a long time. There’s no point going on for so long like that. Your average k-pop song rarely exceeds 3 and a half minutes so there’s really no need. Why have a pop song that overstays its welcome by going on for too long. It really should have been a little bit shorter. I think they definitely could have shortened it a bit. Also there’s some bits in the song that just go on for a bit too long. There’s no reason to make something so long like that when it doesn’t need to be, especially if it’s not really adding anything. There’s really no excuse for it when these groups are working with such a tight pop song format. Why have something go on so long when it doesn’t need to. It’s not really adding anything at all except just extra bulk. It’s absolutely not necessary to have some parts of the song go on for such a long time, especially when nothing’s really happening. They really could have edited it down a little, it wouldn’t have killed them. Don’t they know that the average pop song is shorter than this for a reason. It really doesn’t need to be this long. Why are there some parts of the song that go on for such a long time? I really don’t feel that it’s necessary. I don’t think that the songwriters thought through the arrangement very well because some of it is just too lengthy for a pop song. There’s just too many different parts and they could have easily chopped some of it out and got a better song as a result. In pop music there’s no need to go on for so long. There’s just too many sections, it really could have used some editing down. There’s a few bits that go on for ages and don’t really add anything new or interesting, they just go on for a long time. There’s no point going on for so long like that. Your average k-pop song rarely exceeds 3 and a half minutes so there’s really no need. Why have a pop song that overstays its welcome by going on for too long. It really should have been a little bit shorter. I think they definitely could have shortened it a bit. Also there’s some bits in the song that just go on for a bit too long. There’s no reason to make something so long like that when it doesn’t need to be, especially if it’s not really adding anything. There’s really no excuse for it when these groups are working with such a tight pop song format. Why have something go on so long when it doesn’t need to. It’s not really adding anything at all except just extra bulk. It’s absolutely not necessary to have some parts of the song go on for such a long time, especially when nothing’s really happening. They really could have edited it down a little, it wouldn’t have killed them. Don’t they know that the average pop song is shorter than this for a reason. It really doesn’t need to be this long. Why are there some parts of the song that go on for such a long time? I really don’t feel that it’s necessary. I don’t think that the songwriters thought through the arrangement very well because some of it is just too lengthy for a pop song. There’s just too many different parts and they could have easily chopped some of it out and got a better song as a result. In pop music there’s no need to go on for so long. There’s just too many sections, it really could have used some editing down. There’s a few bits that go on for ages and don’t really add anything new or interesting, they just go on for a long time. There’s no point going on for so long like that. Your average k-pop song rarely exceeds 3 and a half minutes so there’s really no need. Why have a pop song that overstays its welcome by going on for too long. It really should have been a little bit shorter. I think they definitely could have shortened it a bit. Also there’s some bits in the song that just go on for a bit too long. There’s no reason to make something so long like that when it doesn’t need to be, especially if it’s not really adding anything. There’s really no excuse for it when these groups are working with such a tight pop song format. Why have something go on so long when it doesn’t need to. It’s not really adding anything at all except just extra bulk. It’s absolutely not necessary to have some parts of the song go on for such a long time, especially when nothing’s really happening. They really could have edited it down a little, it wouldn’t have killed them. Don’t they know that the average pop song is shorter than this for a reason. It really doesn’t need to be this long. Why are there some parts of the song that go on for such a long time? I really don’t feel that it’s necessary. I don’t think that the songwriters thought through the arrangement very well because some of it is just too lengthy for a pop song. There’s just too many different parts and they could have easily chopped some of it out and got a better song as a result. In pop music there’s no need to go on for so long. There’s just too many sections, it really could have used some editing down. There’s a few bits that go on for ages and don’t really add anything new or interesting, they just go on for a long time. There’s no point going on for so long like that. Your average k-pop song rarely exceeds 3 and a half minutes so there’s really no need. Why have a pop song that overstays its welcome by going on for too long. It really should have been a little bit shorter. I think they definitely could have shortened it a bit. Also there’s some bits in the song that just go on for a bit too long. There’s no reason to make something so long like that when it doesn’t need to be, especially if it’s not really adding anything. There’s really no excuse for it when these groups are working with such a tight pop song format. Why have something go on so long when it doesn’t need to. It’s not really adding anything at all except just extra bulk. It’s absolutely not necessary to have some parts of the song go on for such a long time, especially when nothing’s really happening. They really could have edited it down a little, it wouldn’t have killed them. Don’t they know that the average pop song is shorter than this for a reason. It really doesn’t need to be this long. Why are there some parts of the song that go on for such a long time? I really don’t feel that it’s necessary. I don’t think that the songwriters thought through the arrangement very well because some of it is just too lengthy for a pop song. There’s just too many different parts and they could have easily chopped some of it out and got a better song as a result. In pop music there’s no need to go on for so long. There’s just too many sections, it really could have used some editing down. There’s a few bits that go on for ages and don’t really add anything new or interesting, they just go on for a long time. There’s no point going on for so long like that. Your average k-pop song rarely exceeds 3 and a half minutes so there’s really no need. Why have a pop song that overstays its welcome by going on for too long. It really should have been a little bit shorter. I think they definitely could have shortened it a bit. Also there’s some bits in the song that just go on for a bit too long. There’s no reason to make something so long like that when it doesn’t need to be, especially if it’s not really adding anything. There’s really no excuse for it when these groups are working with such a tight pop song format. Why have something go on so long when it doesn’t need to. It’s not really adding anything at all except just extra bulk. It’s absolutely not necessary to have some parts of the song go on for such a long time, especially when nothing’s really happening. They really could have edited it down a little, it wouldn’t have killed them. Don’t they know that the average pop song is shorter than this for a reason. It really doesn’t need to be this long. Why are there some parts of the song that go on for such a long time? I really don’t feel that it’s necessary. I don’t think that the songwriters thought through the arrangement very well because some of it is just too lengthy for a pop song. There’s just too many different parts and they could have easily chopped some of it out and got a better song as a result. In pop music there’s no need to go on for so long. Don’t you think?

Jeon Won Ilgi could literally just be one hour of TINGARINGARINGATING and I’d still listen to the entire thing.

Since I can finally bring this up and have it be relevant…what the fuck is that thing at the start of Falling In Love? LEEEEEEGHDERYTHMMACAMMENSSSSSS. It’s so…jarring, especially right at the start of the song when you’re trying to convince someone to stick around watching your MV and not assault the listener’s eardrums with some drunk guy right out of the gate.

I guess now I’ll never know what you had to say about Rania – Just Go for a second time. It’s a shame because I think these blurbs are all hilarious – the best you’ve written for any of your best/worst lists so far.

I lost the determination to read through the Jeon Won Diary blurb once you lost the determination to write new ways of saying the same thing. I say we call that a draw.

and i was wondering how bunny style didn’t make it but now there it is!!!! the song isn’t their best but still good, and i love how in the video they spend two good minutes doing aegyo stuff and then one can pinpoint the exact moment both song and video give up on that shit and go full-on bunny twerk. amazing. i’m glad you decided to include it ❤

i know you don't do requests but your best-of/worst-of posts are second only to the technical posts to me so i hope you do more of them this year!

You find it when you’re not looking. I saw that “Mama Beat” song once, sort of liked it, but when I wanted to see it again I couldn’t find it anymore. I looked for it for almost one year, thanks for providing a link, lol.
Jisoo!

“D-Unit were great but their timing was unfortunate”
GOD I’M STILL MAD ABOUT THIS. they never officially disbanded but still…

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A blog created by me so I can write about k-pop related stuff. Some content is related to the k-pop radio show that I host, but most of it is just random shit that I felt like writing. All of it is primarily for my own personal amusement, although if you like it too, that’s fantastic and I love you. Warning: certain posts might occasionally be considered offensive, so if you are an easily offended fucking cunt maybe go read something else instead, thanks. – KPOPALYPSE