A Year Ago Today

A year ago today, I woke up to a bad dream. The spotting and cramping that had begun the night before -- "Surely, this is just residual spotting from my 11-week OB check on Friday," I reassured myself -- had not gone away. In fact, the cramps were getting worse.

I called my OB -- she was on call that weekend -- and she suggested we head to the ER, if we could make it out of the house. It was a big if. A wicked blizzard had blown through the previous 24 hours, with a one-two punch of freezing rain followed by wet snow. Our garage doors were literally encased in ice and frozen to the ground. It took my husband a couple of hours to chip the door loose, but once we were free, we loaded up the kids and thanked God for a four-wheel-drive vehicle that was able to navigate the treacherous roads.

By the time we got to the ER, I had a sinking feeling in my heart. And by the time we got into our own room, I knew. I wasn't just cramping anymore. I was miscarrying. I was in mini-labor, with regular and amazingly painful contractions.

(My sweet nurse offered to get me something for the pain. "That's probably a good idea," I reluctantly agreed. She returned with a needle that was at least ten inches long. "Ummm, it's not that bad!" I backpedaled. I'm a notorious needle wimp. But five more minutes of consistent cramping, and I was ready for the shot.)

They drew blood to check my HGC levels. They weren't where they should be. And within an hour, it was all over. In the ultrasound room, my body shed the tiny baby -- still in its amniotic sac -- and sent his or her soul to live with Jesus.

My OB was unspeakably kind. The ER staff was extraordinary. (They even took charge of our two older kids -- who didn't know I was pregnant in the first place -- and entertained them in an ambulance when it became apparent that it was going to get messy in our little ER space. To this day, Natalie has the stuffed kitten the EMTs gave her from their stash of toys. She thought our trip to the ER was awesome.) Corey, the perfect mix of strength and tenderness, didn't leave my side for days.

And me? Well, I was in shock. How does your heart comprehend that your hopes and dreams for the future have irrevocably changed? How does your mind grasp the sudden emptiness, the unfulfilled promise of a baby lost?

I wasn't mad at God, really. We had grown so close the past few years. I trusted Him.

But I was sad. Unspeakably sad. My heart was so heavy.

The next morning, I woke up and hoped it was all a nightmare. Instead, it was my new reality. As I wrote in a post a few days later, "Some of the sparkle has left my world."

I got into the shower and wept, leaning my head on the slick plastic wall, letting my tears mingle with the water's flow. I poured out my broken soul to the One Who Knows.

Oh great GodBe small enough to hear me nowThere were times when I was cryingFrom the dark of Daniel's denAnd I have asked you once or twiceIf you would part the sea againBut tonight I do not need a fiery pillar in the skyJust wanna know you're gonna hold meIf I start to cryOh Great GodBe small enough to hear me now

Of course, if you're a regular reader here at all, you know know the end to the story -- and it's full of God's grace and mystery. Just two months later -- before my body had even gotten back to normal -- Teyla Jenet was conceived. She is a tangible reminder to me today of God's goodness and His providence.

But a year ago today? I didn't know how this twist in my life's journey would play out. I only knew that I had a Father-God who cradled me while I cried, who spoke hope to my bruised heart. When I needed Him to hear the cry of this bleeding and broken girl, He was small enough.

What would I do without You, Lord? You are my tender rock and redeemer. My hope is forevermore in You.

I know you could leave writing on the wall that's just for meOr send wisdom while I'm sleeping like in Solomon's sweet dreamsBut I don't need the strength of Samson or a chariot, in the endJust want to know that you still know how many hairs on my headOh Great GodBe small enough to hear me now("Small Enough," by Nichole Nordeman)

25 comments:

your post has me crying tonight because it's been about a year ago that i lost my baby at 10 weeks. i feel sadder now than i did at that time because at that time i felt so confident i'd be pregnant again in just a few months. now, here it is a year later, and i feel forgotten.

I just found you recently, through Missy. And I live in your state! This is a precious, heart-wrenching post that overall reminds us of God's mercy and grace and plan. Thanks for the look into your heart.

Thank you for this post...our sweet little one went home to be with Jesus at 12 almost 13 weeks. What was supposed to be a happy appt where we heard the heartbeat, turned into a roller coaster of emotions. I find so much faith in knowing that this is in God's plan for my family. I also find so much comfort in knowing that God is holding our sweet little one until we meet again. I still cry, I still question, but my Father gets me through. God bless you for the strength to write about it.

A miscarriage does change and shape you. The loss is so great. I am glad you were able to lean on the Saviour. I was so broken I could not see His goodness for a long time, which made the grieving process even greater.He is a God of healing though, and 4 years later I remember without a hint of the bitterness that surronded at the time.

Been there, girl. Twice. Lost 2 at nine weeks each. But my Redeemer gave me my sweet Elijah a while later. It is unbelievably hard. My husband just didn't know what to do with me. I couldn't be consoled. The first of those pregnancies was an "unwanted" surpise, as asful as that sounds. Aaron wasn't even one yet, and I just wasn't ready for another. I felt so guilty when I lost that one. I felt redeemed when I conceived the second, but it ended the same way. It was a long, dark place to journey out of, but my God was faithful and pulled me out.

Have faith, sisters, who find yourselves in the dark just now. Your Light is coming...

After 2 healthy pregnancies - I had a miscarriage in Oct. . . and got pregnant in Nov. I'm due in August with this sweet baby. And I LOVE that Nicole Nordeman song!!! Thanks for sharing your journey. And that Teyla is a DOLL!

I haven't had your experience, but those I love dearly have had that traumatic time in their lives. I do know that God restores--in some way or other--He always restores. Thank you for sharing your heart and your pain.

That was just beautiful Kelly. I'm so sorry for the pain you've endured and the little one you lost. I really admire how much strength you pulled from your faith during that dark time. I'm not sure I would've been able to do the same. Thanks for sharing...thinking of you and Corey.

That was a beautiful post, Kelly. I haven't felt the pain of that loss, but your words apply to so many heartaches that I have felt. Thank you for reminding me that my big, awesome, powerful God is also small and personal.Beccawww.beccasfreshfruit.blogspot.com

In what is sure to be future blog fodder over on my own site, today I beheld a miracle in the face of a newborn baby whose mother just a year ago had to deliver her baby she knew to be stillborn. Tragedy turned to hope, emptiness to fullness, ashes to beauty. That's the grace of our God.

This just makes me cry- for your loss, and for the moment in time when you didn't know the blessing around the corner, yet you trusted and had hope. I am so glad you have sweet Teyla, but I am also blessed that you felt God sustain you through that terrible time, before you knew of her. God is so good, but sometimes, in the midst of loss, it can really be hard to have hope. Thanks for sharing- I know you encouraged so many with this. Miscarriage is hard, and often,until you suffer one, you don't realize how many others share that pain.

I'm glad you didn't delete this post. I miscarried a little over four years ago and it was awful. But, like you, I knew God had a plan. Now, I have three little ones. But, oh, how my heart breaks for anyone who has to deal with this.

I am glad you kept this post. I have had a m/c after two healthy pregnancies and then we lost our daughter conceived after the miscarriage when she was 3.5 months old. Unlike you, I still struggle with God. It is posts like this that remind me that no matter what, He IS there.

This post really spoke personally to me. I miscarried before my oldest son, and was devastated. The next month, our son was conceived. He is a visual reminder to me that God is in control--that I must submit and trust Him. Thanks for your vulnerability.

oh friend. "some of the sparkle had left my world." this is exactly it. (crying fresh tears over here) ... yet, yet, his voice: his shepherd's voice... i'm so grateful for you sharing your story with me. for believing, with me. he is with us. love you girl. xo