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Even after I give birth to my first child, I’m pretty sure I’m going to tell my mom and dad that I’m a virgin. It’s like, my duty as the fourth child of two Hardass Asian Parents (who, as far as I know, are also virgins). It’s how we roll, yo. We’re expected to avoid dating but marry someone rich and virile, have babies without ever making sweet monkey love, and teach our kids to do the same.

So the first thing I thought when I read on HuffPo that an Aussie producer put together a cast willing to auction off their virginities to the highest bidder for a reality TV show was: I’ll be damned if there’s an Asian-Australian on that show!!! Hardass Asian Parents would go ape shit.

Apparently, all of the parents are pretty unhappy about the show’s concept.

After a prehistoric deep-sea frill shark, which traces back by fossils 50 million years (or six thousand years, in Sarah Palin-time), was discovered off the coast of Japan earlier this year, I’ve been convinced that sharks will be responsible for the most important, strange, mystical occurrences of our time.

Lo and behold, strange and mystical occurrences seem to be, uh, occurring! Scientists just confirmed the second “virgin birth,” or parthenogenesis, of a hammerhead shark at the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center this week. DNA testing showed no genetic material from a male, meaning that the female shark reproduced a pup entirely on her own (I knew we could do it!).

This is spectacularly fascinating news, but can everyone please avoid sharing this discovery with my parents? I fear that it’ll give them too much juice to revive the ol’ “stay a virgin until you die, or we’ll kill you” mandate, and I just don’t have the energy to figure out asexual reproduction right now. Or virginity reclamasian.

No one understands better than DISGRASIAN the joy and clever possibilities of drinking haterade all daysian long. How else could we derive such pleasure from talking about our favorite little dog, big dog, and mouse ad nauseum?

But when we took our first look at the “hot or not” (or in this case “not or not”) homage site SandraOhIsUgly.com, we just felt… flat.

Or because the site completely lacks originality, imagination, sharpness, multisyllabic words?

Sure. A little of all of the above.

But more than all of those things, we’re pretty sure the site is run by one or two nerdy, white, B-student virgins from Columbia University who are clearly angry about not getting laid and don’t know what to do with their damage.

Known for: Being the counterpoint in Sunday’s NYT Magazine story on college virgins who have made abstinence their cause and being, in her own words, “the Ivy League poster girl for sexual expression,” writing honestly about sex, depression, body image, double standards, and race on her blog, Sex and the Ivy, weathering being called a “slut” and a “whore” because of her frankness with a surprising amount of grace, especially for a college junior still trying to figure out who she is.

The tag line of the ad “FREE TEXT VIRGIN TO VIRGIN” was denounced by Alison’s brother Damon, 27, as “derogatory.” The Chang family also charged in the suit that “(t)he experience damaged Alison’s reputation and exposed her to ridicule from her peers and scrutiny from people who can now Google her.”

The Chang family went on to say that Alison’s use of the peace sign in the photo was entirely in jest, but because of Virgin Mobile’s reckless use of the photo in an ad campaign, people around the world now think that Alison was flashing the peace sign in earnest, like every other misguided Asian chick on the planet, who thinks being Asian means flashing a peace sign when in front of a camera. The Chang family believes that promoting such stereotypical clichés has caused damage to Alison’s reputation and exposed her to great scrutiny and ridicule.*

*DISCLAIMER: this paragraph has been fabricated. Everything else about this story is true. Click here for real story.

I’ve always kind of assumed that Nick Lachey was a pretty run-of-the-mill, I’ll-wait-for-my-wife’s-dad-to-unlock-her-chastity-belt, first base-second base-third base-home, missionary-position-for-14-minutes-in-the-master-bedroom-on-Tuesday kind of guy. Why wouldn’t he be? He married one of those righteous blonde virgins (once), and all of his MTV reality counterparts are reportedly so sucky in the bedroom no one will even bother to bust them on it.

However, TMZ just reported that Mr. Lachey and his Vaseline-smile woman were caught on camera getting damn freaky in the hot tub of a private Mexican resort.

TMZ has learned that the rest of the roll shows the two not only making out, but having hardcore sex in the hot tub. A source who has seen the photos tells TMZ that they are “Paris sex tape-level scandalous,” and include images of the couple in several different sex positions. That’s hot!

Well, well, well. Maybe you two aren’t so boring after all. I’m liking you both more already.

Jen and I were so excited when we saw that there was a website called “Got Rice?”… quite frankly, the answer was and is YES. We were like, “Woohoo! Is it crispy rice? Is it short grain? Is it brown?” We love it all. Mmm. So we checked you out.

First off, your logline kinda sucks: “Not your mama’s expat?” Oof. That doesn”t make any sense– but whatever, a logline is hard to come up with (and not everybody can use “You’re a Disgrace. To the Race.”). Regardless, Got Rice? has promise.

Wow… about you? You have the sentence structure of a second grader. You sound like a nerd. Please let “Asian female form ” refer to porcelain statues of female Chinese warriors from the early 20th century. Please…

Oh my GOD! You didn’t mean porcelain statues of female Chinese warriors from the early 20th century!!! You have a RUNNING LIST OF HALF NAKED “ASIAN BEAUTIES” ON YOUR BORING-ASS BLOG. You have moved to China to trick some sad, unassuming woman with no grasp of English to give you your first hand job, hoping she won’t notice that your sad, shriveled boyhood is no bigger than a Sharpie. Ugh! You BLOW. You’re BORING. You’re LAME.

Good gracious, John. The next time you promise “rice” and don’t deliver, you’re gonna get a little something from me, and it’s gonna taste like knuckle sandwich.