Battle of the Sexes

Q: How do I let a girl know that I want her to go down on me when we are hooking up without actually pushing her head down? Should I ask? If yes, then how?
–Don’t want to be pushy

Chick: Pushing a girl’s head down is not such a good idea. Most girls already know how much guys enjoy getting head, so if things heat up and a girl’s in the mood, she’ll probably end up moving down there all on her own. It all depends on whether this girl is a one-time random hookup, a girlfriend or someone you continually fool around with (i.e. a friend with benefits). If it’s a one-time deal, I would take what you can get, but if you’re with a girl with whom you’re more comfortable, a little prodding could be used. Something as blatant as “Blow me” is a little cheesy, but get your point across (“finish me off”) while being more subtle. Or you could really wow the girl and go down on her first, in which case she’ll be much more likely to return the favor.

Dick: Well, you eliminated your best bet in the question. Think about when friends are upset – the best thing to do is put your hand on their back and give a little rub to comfort them. So when a girl isn’t thrilled about going down, applying a little friendly pressure to the top of the head definitely encourages her to go in the right direction. A pull on the ear can also help, because girls obviously don’t use their ears for listening. Another way to accomplish a successful injection of sailors into your girlfriend is to ask or, more accurately, hint. Such phrases as “Wow, it would be really nice to get a blow job tonight,” “What I’d give for my girlfriend to give me some oral loving right now” or “You look a little faint, let me give you some protein.”

Q: I have been told that guys prefer girls to be shaved, you know, “down there.” I don’t think I would mind shaving, but how do I go about it? Are Brazilian bikini waxes really painful? Also, how do I let my boyfriend know that I want him to shave, too? Is it weird for a guy or a girl to be completely shaved? What do I do
–Soon to be smooth

Chick: First of all, shaving isn’t necessarily the best option. Sure it’s cheaper than a Brazilian, but you also have the lovely risks of ingrown hairs and infections. I would, therefore, recommend waxing, which can be more painful than if you were to simply shave (you might want to pop two Advil beforehand). But it lasts longer, it takes less time and there’s less chance of infection. If you really want to shave, though, I did a little research for you. The best thing to do is first trim the area, and then soften it up with a long bath or shower. A brand-new, disposable razor is best (to be used only for your pubic area and nowhere else). Lather up with some shaving gel or foam. Use one hand to pull the skin tight, and shave in the direction of hair growth (if you shave upwards you increase the chance of getting those nasty ingrown hairs). Shave in stages – you don’t have to get rid of everything all at once, and repeated strokes could irritate your skin. Be sure to wash the area with antibacterial soap afterward, and finish with some Vitamin E or a lotion specifically formulated for this area to prevent red bumps and itching. As for getting your boyfriend to go bare, too, most guys say they look bigger without all that hair. Maybe you’ll even inspire him once he sees you and hears you tell him how much more sensitive that area is.

Dick: Yes, guys do prefer clean-shaven girls. It is already a complicated thing down there, and throwing a forest on top of it just makes it harder to find the Rosetta stone. As far as how you do it – why does it matter? I don’t care how you do it as long as I don’t feel like I’m flossing the whole time. If you ask your boyfriend to shave, you are basically saying “Hmm, I wonder how I can make your schlong look bigger.” It is true that with a nice, short trim you can make it look like you got a free supersize. However, a complete shave including the UDA (upper dick area) will create the look of something horrific like a naked mole rat. Not to mention the fact that there are a lot of intricate details that need to be shaved around. Last I checked, one circumcision was enough.

Q: Lately, I have been getting really tired while going down on my boyfriend. Halfway through, I get bored and lose momentum. Can guys tell? What should I do to keep this from happening? Also, how do I prevent lockjaw? What exactly is it, and am I doing any damage to my mouth?
–Bored

Chick: It’s always better to be enthusiastic about things, because once a guy realizes you’re not having fun, it’s hard for him to have any fun. Sex is about the pleasure of giving and receiving, and if lately you’ve been getting tired, I think it’s more of an indicator that you’re bored with your sex life than simply worried about getting lockjaw. It doesn’t sound like there’s much excitement in your bedroom routine, so perhaps by shaking things up a bit (with toys, role-playing, new places, new positions) you can rekindle whatever seems to have burnt out. Whatever the case, if you were truly happy sexually and this wasn’t your first time ever giving head, I think you would be a lot more energetic. You would enjoy going down on your boyfriend as much as you enjoy him going down on you. So if this has become a chore, don’t worry about getting lockjaw and start worrying about your relationship – you need to reevaluate things ASAP.

Dick: Can guys tell? The only thing more obvious is a nuclear war. The reason you are getting bored is because you are giving mediocre head, and that’s being kind. There is so much more that could be done. Think about the balls. While you just work on the top, they get lonely. Is that your goal – to make the balls sad? You have to be all-inclusive and not leave out important sections. You prevent lockjaw by switching up what you’re doing and making sure all details are taken care of. It could just be me, but lockjaw on a girlfriend sounds like a blessing – especially afterward.

Q: I’ve never gone down on a girl before. It has never really been an issue because I have never been in a really serious relationship before. But now I feel bad for not returning the favor. What do girls like best? Will she be able to tell that I have never done it before? Should I tell her first? I really don’t want to make a fool out of myself.
–Inexperienced

Chick: I wouldn’t be worried, because most guys haven’t had as much experience in giving head as girls have. Girls like different things. If you just fumble around without any clue as to what you were doing, she’ll probably assume that you are terrible at it and would fake an orgasm to get you to stop. But since this is a girl you’re serious about and because you genuinely want to return the favor, I would just be honest. Tell her you’ve never gone down on a girl before and ask her what she likes. If you’re enthusiastic and willing to take direction, I’m sure she’ll be more than happy to teach you. Then both parties win – you successfully return the favor and she (hopefully) gets her orgasm.

Dick: Don’t worry, most guys are lost down there and most guys don’t have a clue what they are searching for. Just remember, if you can’t find it, it’s probably right under your nose. The trick is to try things and check for a reaction. If you get one, work with it; if you don’t, switch it up. If she never gives any reaction, stop, ask her for a blowjob, and if she says no, get up and put on your clothes. Chances are, she’s gonna suck in bed when you get to that point, anyway. The best bet, though, is to have someone show you, like her roommate. They say girls know best, so why not learn from a master.

Q: I really don’t like to swallow. I will give my boyfriend eight blowjobs a day, but I always stop and finish him off another way. Does this bother guys? I mean, as long as he gets off, what is the difference?
–Gag reflex

Chick: I agree with you, but some guys really like it when a girl swallows. If you wanted to try, you could perhaps keep a glass of water near you to take a swig once you’re through. But if you really hate it, it’s always better to finish him off in a much less painful way for you than to kill the mood by having him see you grimace as you – gulp! – swallow.

Dick: Yes, it bothers guys. It’s like driving a sports car and then stopping a block away from your house and having to walk the last block to meet your friends. You can barely remember the drive. You also have chosen the messiest way to take care of this situation. Now it goes everywhere, whereas if you just suck it up and swallow the contents, you get a free snack instead of messy sheets. There is nothing worse than getting finished off “another way.” Let me paint you a picture: You are curled up in bed, all nice and warm, with someone softly rubbing your back. You are about to fall asleep, and then someone throws cold water on you and starts rubbing sandpaper up and down your sides.

We have all been forced to down a family member’s greasy and lackluster casserole with a smile on our face. But this Thanksgiving, you can rethink the staple and enjoy a dish with a crunch that goes unmatched.