Update: I was unfortunately not aware of Shamus Young's severe criticism of Fallout 3 available here to link in the original piece and I regret that. It dovetails rather nicely with what I've written and it's much better executed than my piece. I strongly recommend anyone...

DAILY MANIFESTO

Sony Patents Controller That Gets Erect, Limp, Hot, And Cold

Rumors of next-gen console hardware have gotten out of control lately. It seems that almost every day I wake up, some media outlet somewhere has spoken to an anonymous source that has revealed specs and features of next-gen consoles that completely contradict previous reports.

They're so outlandish in what they suggest, it's difficult to take any of them seriously—which is why today, I'm reporting on something a little more solid... that also gets soft.

The patents refer to real-time sensations such as vibration to provide a higher level of interactive experience, then really ups the ante by adding a thermal source for heating and cooling sensations. The cooling could be as low as 40-50 degrees Fahrenheit to as hot as 110-125 degrees Fahrenheit. Too hot to handle; too cold to hold?

Where the patents get really strange is that they cover an interweaving, folding metal design that allows users to experience sensations of hardness or softness. An in-controller reservoir filled with inflating material expands to feel hard or deflates to give the sensation of being soft. Texture sensation settings could add another layer of smoothness or roughness. I prefer it rough.

How the shit does this work with video games? The patent use a character walking on a hard, hot, concrete surface as one example, and walking on soft sand on a cool night for another. Something tells me their example involved Nathan Drake. Or maybe I'm just picturing it that way because he's so dreamy.

It all seems very weird, I know. But could Sony be on to something? Would you want to feel the sensation of hot or cold, hard or soft in your hands in addition to vibration? Or should Sony leave the console business and instead make a line of enhanced condoms that get hot or cold, hard or soft, rough or smooth, and even vibrate? I'll take some of those, please.