All children get the silly's sometimes. They act up when you know they can do better. But what about the child who regularly regresses?

Regression is the return to an earlier stage of behaviour. It can be confined to a certain skill that was gained and then given up. Such as the potty-trained child who after using the toilet for several weeks suddenly wants to wear a nappy again. This is a normal two steps forward one step backwards pattern of growth.

Other children, however, seem to regularly swing between being capable and 'acting their age', and then 'regressing' to the behaviour of as baby or toddler.

We all loose control at times, especially when we are under stress. So first it is best to ensure that your child isn’t suffering one of the 4 s’s. 1. Could they be Sleepy, Starving, Sick or Stressed?

Are they sleep-deprived?

Some kids have to have 10-12, even 14 hours of sleep, or else! Lack of sleep effects self control in many ways. If you are sleep deprived, are you at your best?

Are they starving?

When blood sugar crashes the brain, the biggest consumer of glucose in the body, goes offline. All the higher functions such as self control are shutdown and whats left is a brain stem running the show. Your child is literally functioning at lizard level!

Are they Sick?

Sickness. Truly, years 0 -2 seemed to be one long list of illnesses. Sometimes sickness comes on suddenly without warning and as that child descends into illness, their behaviour deteriorates rapidly. Or possibly your child has an undiagnosed allergy that erodes their quality of health.

Could they be stressed?

Stress. Yes, kids get stressed and have bad days too. Some days are just one frustration after another and, unlike us, kids do not have the mental skills to tell themselves tomorrow things will be better, they just express. If you haven’t been with your child all day and they come home ferrel, try asking them how their day was before you tell them to behave. Sometimes something really bad might have happened at school, you might need to dig a little, but their behaviour is telling you something else.

So you have performed a system check and all seems to be in order, but your 6 year old is lying on the floor saying gaga -go goo, and he's not playing, what else could be the problem?

2. New Baby EnvyA common reason for regressive behavour is the birth of a new baby. The older child sees the baby getting attention for crying or gooing. Suddenly they want to have a bottle or dummy and cry and whimper when they don't get their own way. This is very common and quite normal. Kids are natural mimics and truth is it was not that long ago they were getting the special treatment.

3. Letting off Steam. If you child is at daycare, preschool or school all day there is a certain standard of behaviour that is expected. Rules and timetables dominate the day, and as they get older, the time for letting loose gets less and less. Coming home to mummy is seen as a safe space to really let it all hang out. Their way of releasing stress might be to return to an earlier model of behaving where they demands on them were less.

6. Sensory overload. There seem to be an increasing amount of children with sensory processing issues. Sensory processing difficulties- either visual, auditory or tactile, (sometimes all 3), can overload an immature system very quickly. Even children without sensory issues can be sensitive to the fast, bright, loud world we live in. Their tolerance to this will be dependent on their internal state. If they are having a brain upgrade, or suffering one of the 4 S’s (Sleepy, Starving, Sick or Stressed) then their coping skills are further compromised and the outcome might be the child equivalent to a frozen pc. When their CPU is ‘offline’ you are only going to see the frustrating hourglass of baby-like behaviour.

4. The Strategy.

It’s always a fine call to read calculation into the action’s of very young children, but sometimes they simply learn from experience that behaving a certain way gets them what they want. If regressive behaviour only occurs at certain times, like the coy Daddy’s girl twirling her hair to entice a cookie before dinner, then this will become obvious sooner or later. In this case you might either ignore the naughties (not that they are being naughty, rather it’s pretty smart they have developed a strategy) or redirect the want. If Sally is always asking for something in a baby voice, give her the experience of getting what she wants using her ‘big girl’ voice.

5. Brain upgrade. Development is not linear. Inside the rapidly developing child’s brain changes can occur in leaps and bounds. You have all been there but may have not realised. Those times when the settled baby suddenly becomes fussy and unsettled for a few days then it all calms down and suddenly you realise they can sit unsupported, or separation awareness has set in. Their brain has just undergone a surge of genetically programmed development. It’s like updates were installed and they are 'offline' for a while. Regressive behaviour occurs as the new neural software is installed as they literally do take a couple of steps back to an earlier program.

7. Great expectationsAre you asking too much from them? Sometimes we just want our little dependent critters to grow up. This is especially so with the first child, because we don’t really know how children are meant to act. It can be especially confusing if you see your child ‘acting their age’ at some times and then regressing to a 2 year old at others. Perhaps this is their way of saying, “mummy/ daddy, I just can’t do all the things you want me to, so I am going to become a baby again for a while so you can do it for me.”

8. Food freakout. You pick up Johnny from the birthday party, you dropped off a competent 6 year old fluent in english but the child you pick up gets into the car saying “wa-wa, babababab, hehehe.” Where’s Johnny? I am not getting into the sugar debate here, but evidence is rising to show that kids are affected by junk food. Colourings, flavourings, even the hidden MSG in potato chips can send some kids bananas. The most common food additives are E numbers, sometimes they are glaringly obvious colours such as yellow and red, others are slipped into everyday foods such as cake mixes and and sauces. These are toxins in your childs pure and vulnerable system and they can have a massive effect on brain function and behaviour.

9. Unbalanced bio-chemistyThere are many things that can upset neurotransmitter balance. When our neurochemistry is off, its similar to being tired, stressed or hungry, we just can’t control ourselves. Children are especially vulnerable to toxins, nutrient imbalances, metal overloads or amino acid deficiency because their system is immature. This is a whole other area but worth looking into with an integrative doctor if the problem persists.

10. Need for more nurturingWhen all of the possible physical causes are investigated, we need to look into the child’s emotional world. What is going on in there? We will never really know for sure but consider this. Could your child’s baby-like behaviour be expressing an unmet developmental need?Do they just need a little more love and this is the only way they can ask for it?Are you so distracted and busy that they never really feel they have your full attention, your love, you? Is their baby behaviour an innocent bid to meet their needs for nurture and attention? What would happen if you responded to this? Try joining them there and see what happens. Fill them up with them being your little baby again in a playful loving way. Hold them on your lap, swaddle or stroke them and don’t worry they will stay acting like a baby, they can’t.Children have a natural urge toward growth, if they get what they need at each stage they are naturally propelled forward. But if we try to push them to a stage of development before their time because we need them to ‘be big’ then they miss out on the things that are crucial to the earlier stages of life.

Can we get addicted to love? And what if that ‘love’ is not good love? Many times I counsel women who struggle to let go of a lover who they know is not good for them. Guys that are cheaters, drinkers, gamblers or just plain mean... most of the time. So what is the attraction? Well, the rest of the time, or at least at some stage in the relationship (usually the blissful beginning) these guys weren’t bad at all. In fact they may have promised to be just the guy she was looking for. They were charming, or funny, or seemed so interested in the woman in question that she feel for him.

Or maybe she didn’t, maybe this guy just slipped and grew on her. Whatever the pattern, an attraction was established so by the time she found the ‘fly in the ointment’, this guy was part of her life, and most importantly, part of her mind.

When good guys turn bad.I'm not saying women are all angels, but eventually these guy shows the devil inside. She finds the cheaters text, the drinkers or druggies stash, or the subtle abuse starts with him telling her what she should be doing and who she can see.

There are other cases where the guy is not that bad, but the two of them start to clash. Or perhaps he messes with her mind in another way, swinging from nice to nasty or available to distant.

Whatever his MO, eventually it becomes clear that this guy is no good for her. (That’s if her friends haven’t been telling her all along!)

Can't she do any better?

So why is it so hard for her to just leave him behind?

Does she have such low self esteem she doesn’t think she can do any better? Well, sadly sometimes this is true. Other times it is a case of ‘better the devil you know’ and women settle for second best because somewhere they believe that he’s as good as it gets.

The work here is clear, help this woman understand the origin of her beliefs about her self and relationships, then work toward building her self worth and ultimately create the space for attracting the kind of guy who can give her what she really deserves.

It's not always low self esteem

Blame it on the media

Yet for every woman who has self worth issues underlying the pattern of addiction to bad boys, there is another who knows she’s worth more, yet goes there anyway.

This other kind of woman had a fairly rosy past. She was generally treated with respect by the men in her past and is otherwise doing pretty well in all areas of her life, except her addiction to guys who are no good.

So what could be going on here?

Well, lets start with the insidious media modeling that tumultuous relationships are ‘normal’. Pick up any magazine and it would appear that if you are not swinging from high to low and dealing with a partners bad behaviour you aren't really living. And lets not start with the idealised hollywood model of love concours all, because it doesn't.

But we can all see through that, right? So once we decide we don’t want a tabloid relationship, why do women keep going back to the bad boys?

Here are 5 reasons why a sane woman can’t leave a crazy relationship

Maybe he won’t let go. My mother used to say, “men only love in retrospect”. Lots of guys are attracted to what they can’t have. So when the woman calls if off, suddenly he’s interested again or he feels the pangs of love lost and start perusing her all over again.

Many women are unwittingly still stuck on the frog and prince model. Believing the fairy tales and hollywood movies, they think that this guy will turn into prince charming if only they could find the right kiss to unlock his true charming nature. Their love can transform him. Sorry but I yet to see it happen.

Alternately, it's blaring that doesn’t have enough good points to out weigh the bad, but she’s in ‘love with him’ or more rightly, she thinks she’s in love with him, but....

She doesn’t know what love really is. To her love is a mix of many different emotions. She’s feels good when he’s being kind to her, she feels bad when he’s away for too long. Perhaps she can’t stop thinking about him, constant text message checking, Facebook stalking. There are so many emotions to keep her connected with this bad boy that the relationship continues in her mind even when its done in life. So she thinks this must be love, but really….

She is addicted to him and the crazy neurochemistry he creates.We know about good chemistry, right? The amazing sex, the stimulating conversations, the good times laughing together. In these moments the woman feels alive, she feels loved. But then the arguments or absence or dawning reality of his inadequacy shifts her mood from high to low. Perhaps they 'make up' and she is up again, and then he isn't there for her and she crashes. Each move from high to low causes different mood states which in turn create a space in her brain dedicated to him. Good or bad this guy made her ‘feel’. And she is now addicted to the feelings associated with this guy and the space he has made in her mind. It's chemistry alright, but crazy-making chemistry.

To give him up, to let go of the positive feelings (even if they were built on a flimsy hope for better behaviour), sends her literally into withdrawal. For what ever reason she’s addicted to love, bad love.

Recovery takes time and like any addiction may need the assistance of a 'sponsor' a completely objective person who is there to help you through. If you are ready to let go of someone you know is not good for you first you have to want to let go, then you need to understand why it feels so difficult.

Stay tuned for my blog on 12 Steps to recovering from a bad love addiction.

Neurotransmitter levels can affect your mood, but did you know that other chemical processes in your body can have a also profound affect on how you feel?

Quick Bite (for those of you with little time for details)

Methylation is a chemical process in the body that indirectly effect’s the balance of neurotransmitters (the chemicals that transmit signals) in you brain.

Neurotransmitters effect how you feel.

In most people methylation works well but In a small proportion of people it can be over or under active.

Undermethylators have a deficiency of active neurotransmitters affecting their mood.

Overmethylator symptoms are due to an excess of neurotransmitters causing over-stimulation.

Long Lunch (read on if you would like to know more)

Behind the scenes in our brain

Our thoughts, feelings and reactions are all the result of a mass of brain cells (neurons) communicating information. Brain cells don’t touch, they transmit information chemically and electrically.

Signalling CellsFor information to be transmitted between two cells a little squirt of neurotransmitter (chemical messenger) leaves the end of one cell, and, all things going well, floats over the gap and locks into receptors on the neighbouring cell to create the signal.

Once the signal (actually an electrical impulse) is sent, the neurotransmitter material is taken back into it’s original cell. There are several different types of neurotransmitters that perform different functions and create many different moods.

The three main neurotransmitters that effect mood are also effected by methylation.

Serotonin - responsible for our sense of wellbeing

Dopamine - helps us experience reward and motivation

Noradrenaline - famous for fight or flight we also need this to be alert

Mind the gap

Simply put, in order for signal transmission to run smoothly we need:

Enough of a particular neurotransmitter coming from the sending cell.

Enough of that neurotransmitter left in the gap between the neurons for the right amount of time.

Enough receptors on the receiving cell to collect the neurotransmitter.

It’s all over every blog, book or theory on building a business of any kind; “Don’t waste your energy trying to do it all, but point your energy and time on one narrowed down specailised area and this will lead to success.” Find a niche- specialise and you will be successful in business.

Try as I might a 'niche' eludes me. I can’t seem to set my sights on just one tree when there is an amazing forest before my eyes. I find people, their lives, their minds, their relationships, their bodies, their environment, their everything is interconnected.

How can I point my energy in one spot when there is so much consider about human life? I think people who can concentrate on one area are amazing. I envy their focus and commitment, but I have failed business 101.

Maybe it is because I enjoy variety. Maybe it is because I lack the ability to screen out all the other factors and possibilities, but I love seeing all sorts of people with all sorts of issues. It will certainly have a lot to do with the holistic way in which I was trained and the increasing evidence that we are greater than the sum of our parts. I see individuals and couples that come in with all manner of conflicts and complaints. I can see couples dealing with child behaviour problems, or parents dealing with coupling after becoming parents. I see old couples married for decades and young couples contemplating a life together.

I see people with major life or career decisions and we focus on the future they want to create. I see people needing psychotherapy, blocked by past trauma or needs that were never met.