Birmingham schools infiltrated by the Borg

Education Secretary Michael Gove has today called for a thorough investigation into the running of 25 Birmingham schools amidst widespread accusations that they are now being run by cybernetically enhanced humanoid drones of multiple species organized as an interconnected collective, the decisions of which are made by a hive mind linked by subspace radio.

Mr Gove says he is “extremely concerned by the allegations” and has appointed former counter-terror chief, Peter Clarke, to investigate whether there is any substance to the claims.

“No pupils should be exposed to extremist views or radicalisation, and definitely not assimilation by ruthless Star Trek villains while at school. Not on my watch anyway” he explained

The leader of Birmingham City Council, Sir Albert Bore, said: “I don’t know if there is a plot, but there are issues we need to look at and look at very carefully – such as how a governing body behaves, what is said and done around the school, and of course whether those in positions of authority all speak in unison having in fact been forcibly assimilated under direct orders from the Borg Queen.

“Quite what has brought them from their normal habitat in the Delta Quadrant to settle within the Birmingham Local Education Authority is anybody’s guess.” he added.

However, one education trust has spoken of a “witch hunt” based on “all sorts of false allegations” pointing out that an internal investigation had found no evidence to substantiate the claims.

A spokesman told us “All investigators we spoke to said everything was in order. Admittedly they did also appear to have become bald, very pale and half robot.”