Tough Love for Comics

Everybody’s talking about THE NEW 52, which must be exciting for everyone working on those books at DC Comics. Unfortunately, they’ve spent the past few months still publishing THE OLD 50-SOMETHING, which seem to have largely been forgotten by all parties. It’s not surprising, given the fact that most of them are last-gasp inventory stories or pointless follow-ups to deflating, now-meaningless “events” like Brightest Day or JMS is Writing A Comic Just Kidding Ha Ha.

What’s mildly surprising is that no one seems to be talking about Flashpoint — good or bad. I certainly had my problems with the first couple issues, and droned on at length about in a roundtable at Savage Critics earlier this summer. Maybe everyone else kept thinking about the event during the summer, but I sure didn’t! Not just because I didn’t care for it, but because even DC’s marketing machine quickly abandoned it in favor of the long stream of hype about The New 52. We’ve been told the titles and creative teams, shown the covers and logos, been told about the Day & Date Digital, been given questionnaire answers by the creators, and very soon we’ll be offered the actual comic books that are part of this Bold New Era of DC Comics. But what about Flashpoint? It’s the big Summer Event that leads into this Bold New Era, and while it’s far from over — there’s still the final core issue to come — it hasn’t particularly gotten anyone talking. Maybe it’s event fatigue. Maybe the Flash just isn’t as bankable as Green Lantern, even with Geoff Johns at the helm. Or maybe it’s because Flashpoint is a glorified Elseworlds/What If?/Age of Apocalypse rehash where it seems like the creative teams forgot halfway through that the elevator pitch is The Butterfly Effect and not A Warmed Over Riff on Warren Ellis’s Ruins.

Regardless, it has one thing in common with those other stories. DEATH. GLORIOUS DEATH. Given that everything is going to be returned to The New Normal at the end of it, DC has gone hog wild with killing people off in Flashpoint. It’s not just “shocking” death scenes for beloved intellectual property: the Flashpoint Earth got seriously depopulated. It’d be Ra’s al Ghul’s dream, if he weren’t a little kid who only appears in one panel of World of Flashpoint for some reason. Forget boring decapitation of superheroines, Flashpoint has it all!

Gorilla Grodd conquers the continent of Africa, killing “over half” of all humans en route to a planned extermination of all of them (Death Count: 500,000,000 and rising)

Wonder Woman raises the United Kingdom up to form a mountain fortress, systematically exterminates all males, apparently kills a lot of women in work camps/Mengele experiments too (Death Count: 30,000,000 males, presumably a few million females)

A three mile swatch of Chandigarh was wiped clean in India (Death Count: “Hundreds of Thousands”)

The Chandigarh event drives India and Pakistan into prolonged conventional war (Death Count: “Countless” but let’s just say 2,000,000)

“Anarchists” in Brazil and the surrounding area have been at war with an occupying Nazi force from 1945-2011 (Death Count: How do you even estimate that? How does that even work?)

Superman’s rocket hits Metropolis rather than Smallville, destroying a swath of the city (Death Count: 35,000)

Alaska is apparently entirely overrun by zombies, does not warrant a mention beyond a map in the background (Death Count: 700,000)

627 sectors of the Universe (out of 3600, or about 17%) have been consumed by Nekron and his Black Lanterns, with half of the surviving sectors suffering “incursions” (Death Count: Let’s say one fifth of the Universe)

That’s a lot of death! Enough that it starts to lose all meaning. But don’t worry, Funnybook Babylon has cataloged a list of all of the ninety or so named characters — many of them beloved DC properties, many less so — that have been graphically murdered throughout this event. And we’ve still got one issue to go, who know knows? We might even get to see something really exciting, like Batman getting his heart ripped out and fed to him, or Superman’s head exploding! The Flashpoint braintrust really like those sorts of deaths.

Alfred the Butler: Beheaded in England by invading AmazonsAmethyst: Murdered either by Enchantress or ShadeAnimal Man: Framed for the murder of his wife and children, made a prison bitch by Atomic Skull, nose bitten off and subsequently curb-stomped by HeatwaveAqualad: Framed for the murder of Hippolyta, thrown off a balcony, stabbed through the chestArsenal: Killed by Oliver Queen and Vixen’s illegitimate daughterArtemis: Punched in half by BritanniaAtrocitus: Head exploded by SinestroAtom (Ray Palmer): Lost a leg to cancer caused by his shrink-belt, head squished by HeatwaveBatwoman: Part of Grifter’s “Team 7”, killed by terrorists in AfghanistanBlack Adam: Ripped in half using a teleporter by Martian ManhunterBlack Orchid: Driven to suicide off-panel, probably by Shade the Changing ManBlue Beetle (Jaime Reyes): Recruited by Canterbury Cricket for his “Ambush Bugs” team, killed by Amazons on first missionCaptain Marvel (Billy Batson): Depowered by Enchantress, stabbed through the heart by Wonder WomanCatman: Killed by Grodd, skull and spine ripped out and paraded aroundCheetah: Killed and possibly eaten by Etrigan the DemonCitizen Cold: Killed by Iris WestClayface: Dragged into an ocean trench by Aquaman, presumably dies after having his skull collapse and eyes pop out from the water pressureCluemaster: Killed when Plastic Man bursts out of his throatCockroach: Recruited by Canterbury Cricket for his “Ambush Bugs” team, killed by Amazons on first missionCongorilla: Beaten to death, head ripped off by Grodd during a sparring matchCount Vertigo: Pierced through the heart by an Amazon’s spearDr. Fate: Pierced through the heart by an Amazon’s spear, apparently a favorite pastime of AmazonsDeadman: Killed by a building falling on him as Amazons AttackDoomsday: Hooked up to a cybernetic helmet that allows other to “pilot” him, compelled to rip own ribcage openFirefly: Recruited by Canterbury Cricket for his “Ambush Bugs” team, killed by Amazons on first missionFirestorm: Jason Rusch burned alive by Heat WaveFlash (Jay Garrick): Apparently killed in the accident that was supposed to give him his powersFlash (Wally West): Killed by Citizen Cold to preserve his secret identityGeo-Force: Transformed into a weapon by Aquaman, used to sink most of EuropeGiganta: Hal Jordan shoots her eyes out with cruise missilesGolden Glider: Killed by Fallout in revenge against Citizen ColdCommissioner Gordon: Throat slit by the Joker after being duped into shooting a little girlGreen Lantern (Hal Jordan): Goes on suicide run to detonate nuclear warhead into England, leaves engagement ring for Carol Ferris with his suicide noteJohn & Mary Grayson: Murdered by Amazons trying to obtain the Helm of NabuGreen Lantern (John Stewart): Part of Grifter’s “Team 7”, killed by terrorists in AfghanistanHippolyta: Murdered by Artemis pretending to be Aqualad to spark a war for some reasonAdolf Hitler: Killed and presumably decapitated by Frankenstein’s MonsterHush: Killed off-panel by BatmanIcicle: Head exploded by Jenny Blitz, frozen eyeballs shot at viewerIsis: Tossed off the top of a train while pregnant by the OutsiderJoker: Is actually Martha Wayne, falls into the Batcave and diesKid Flash: Was trapped in the 31st Century disappearing like Marty McFly, then travelled back in time to somehow become the Black Flash, then I guess he ran so fast he became a White Flash, then disintegrated for some reasonKilowog: Killed by Nekron in an alternate flashback to Blackest NightKiller Croc: Stabbed in the skull by BatmanKing Shark: Dies defending a circus from the AmazonsKGBeast: Shot to death by Ray Palmer piloting an AmazoKlarion the Witch Boy: Driven to suicide off-panel, probably by Shade the Changing ManKrypto: Starved as a government test subject, psychically manipulated into attacking a young Lex Luthor, put down with a Kryptonite shotgunHawkgirl: Stabbed to death by GrifterHeatwave: Severely injured/scarred by Cyborg, presumably murdered off-panel by Plastic Man at conclusion of mini-seriesLois Lane: Shot dead by Amazonian soldiers after broadcasting news of their war crimes, ALSO killed by Subject Zero in a separate mini-seriesGeneral Sam Lane:Either choked to death or head crushed by Subject Zero in a rare tasteful off-panel murderLady Blackhawk: Part of Grifter’s “Team 7”, killed by terrorists in AfghanistanLock-Up: Eyes plucked out by Plastic ManMachiste: Decapitated by AquamanMadame Xanadu: Dies for some reason so that Traci 13 can hear her dying wordsMagog: Part of Grifter’s “Team 7”, killed by terrorists in AfghanistanMan-Bat: Killed when a knife is shot out of a crossbow, through his heartMartian Manhunter: Cut in half using dimensional teleportation by the OutsiderMax Mercury: Drained of the Speed Force and turned into a skeleton by Bart Allen/The Black FlashMera: Decapitated by Wonder WomanMindwarp: Had his manifested soul shattered by Enchantress, resulting in his physical body exploding into a fountain of blood. A new characterMiss X: Driven to suicide off-panel, probably by Shade the Changing Man. Last appeared in Action Comics #43Mr. Freeze: Killed by Citizen Cold to preserve his secret identityMr. Terrific: Cut in half by a magical living statue in the Outsider’s headquartersMrs. Terrific: Decapitated by a magical living statue in the Outsider’s headquartersJimmy Olsen: Killed when Aquaman sinks EuropeQueen Bee: Recruited by Canterbury Cricket for his “Ambush Bugs” team, killed by Amazons on first missionPoison Ivy: Killed off-panel by BatmanRagdoll: Killed by an Amazon utilizing Lex Luger’s patented Torture Rack submission to its ultimate endRaven: Had her manifested soul shattered by Enchantress, resulting in her physical body exploding into a fountain of bloodRising Son: Has hole punched through chest by the OutsiderThe Rogues (Fallout, Mirror Master, Tar Pit, Weather Wizard: Killed by Citizen ColdScarecrow: Killed off-panel by BatmanScavenger: Broken in half over Aquaman’s kneeSgt. Rock: Part of Grifter’s “Team 7”, killed by terrorists in AfghanistanThe Shark: Killed by Hal Jordan by colliding two jetsSimon Magus: Driven to suicide off-panel, probably by Shade the Changing Man. Only known previous appearance in Justice League of America v1 #2Sportsmaster: Heart ripped out by Plastic ManSteel: Killed off-panel at some point, making his niece Natasha a “fatherless” anarchist general attempting to overthrow Nazi-controlled BrazilStiletto: Driven to suicide off-panel, probably by Shade the Changing Man. Only previous appearance presumably in Detective Comics #630Subject Zero: Human soldier given Kryptonian and other alien DNA, driven mad, killed by SupermanTattooed Man: Stabbed by Ocean Master, accidentally electrocuted by Scavenger, explodesTerra: Killed by Ocean Master, maybeT.O. Morrow: Died at some point in the indeterminate past, dumbass Red Tornado robots do not realize his skeletal remains are not alive, await his instructionsTrigon: Driven to suicide off-panel, probably by Shade the Changing ManTrickster: Murdered by Mirror Master for assisting Captain ColdVixen: Burned alive by Etrigan, presumed deadWicked Jenny Greenteeth: New magical cannibal character introduced, burned alive by AmazonsZatanna: Body reduced to ashes after using “death spell” in a futile attempt to kill Enchantress

Exciting stuff, eh? Which death was the saddest for you? Are you Team Disembowlment or Team Decapitation? Tell us in the comments!