Dear Dogs and Cats:
>
> When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
> with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
>
> The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The
> other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print
>
> in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming
> your
> food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
>
> The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating
> me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall
>
> faster than you can run.
>
> I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
> this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
> comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl
up
> in a
> ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out
> to the
> fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
> having
> tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but
> sarcasm.
>
> For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
> some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
> necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under
> the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door
> that I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years
> - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
>
> The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's
> butt.
> I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
>
> To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door.
> Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
>
> 1. They live here. You don't.
>
> 2. If you don't want their hair! on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
>
> 3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
>
> 4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
> short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
>
> 5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money
> all the time, and are easier to train. They usually come when called,
never
> drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't drink or
> smoke,
> don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
> don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant,
> you can sell the results. :thumbs up