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The Wife of Noble Character

*****

The wife of noble character who can find? She is worth more than Bo Jackson in Tecmo Bowl.

She agrees that it is not cheating to restart a game on your PlayStation NCAA football dynasty, because sometimes the PlayStation just decides that you are going to lose no matter what and makes you fumble in the red zone and this is a real thing, there was a study done and everything, probably.

She honors the concept of birthday sex, because you are 37 and have three kids and what are you going to do with an actual present anyway

She realizes that there’s, like, a reason that the Swiffer mop is now in a million pieces, and that reason is because it tried to kill you by tripping you while you were in the garage, and you literally had to fight your way back out, to freedom, to feel the loving embrace of your family again, so really who is the hero here

She never makes casseroles, because casseroles are horrible

She doesn’t divorce you when it’s 1:30 am and you keep her awake by talking in the dark about whether Christians would have a duty to evangelize zombies.

She also doesn’t divorce you when you make her a duct tape bikini for her birthday

She changes 62% of the poop diapers, because there’s a solid 8% that you pass off to her by pretending that you don’t smell them, and yeah that’s horrible but SHE does that thing where she Jenga-builds towers of garbage on top of the garbage can lid when the can is full and waits for you to take it outside so 62% is actually fair huh

She exaggerates how good of a basketball player you were in college to your mutual friends. Hey, an academic all-american is basically the same thing as a regular all-american, right?

She doesn’t leave you for John Stamos, which would technically not even be a sin because he’s Uncle Jesse

No but seriously when you went down into the garage it was like an ambush and that Swiffer mop came out of nowhere and dove at your knees and you probably saved the lives of everyone in the house because that Swiffer would have come for the children next