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Topic: Guest/Host TV Etiquette (Long-ish) (Read 11896 times)

I wasn't directly involved in this, and nothing really came of it, but it got me wondering.

A bit of background info. My uncle and his family are very sneaky now about getting us to watch their kids while they're over here or we're over there. It's been my observation that they employ the TV or family/friends who come over to keep their kid in one spot, but I'm basing this off the way they would just disappear the moment I start to interact with Cousin. I'd look up, do a double-take, and think to myself, "Wait a minute, I didn't agree to be a babysitter for the duration of my visit..." Gently leading Cousin to her parents usually resulted in my grandmother giving a snarky, "Well, couldn't you watch your cousin for a bit? Cousin loves you!"

A few days ago, my uncle was having his 40th birthday party. It was a surprise party, and I counted at least 14 people there besides my mom, my brother, and myself. None of which I knew, but I've seen a few of them before. It was pretty nice, but almost everyone stood around and socialized in the small dining room, effectively blocking the table so that it was hard to get to the snacks. I managed to snag a few crackers and some cheese, but very few people went out into the living room. Their three-year-old daughter spent most of her time in the living room, showing off her toys and so on, and the baby was pretty much glued to my grandmother's hip because she would scream if she was put down. Their mother was in and out of the living room, but they weren't really watching their toddler, which is typical when they have people over.

There are a few things I could gripe about, but that's beside the point. This is the thing that got me thinking. The TV was on when we got there, tuned in to a kid's show, which Cousin wasn't actually watching. The few adults that would occasionally come in and sit down weren't bothered by this that I could see, but when my uncle's wife asked them if they wanted to watch something else, they suggested some awards show that was on. I think it might have been the Grammys, but I can't be sure. I wasn't watching TV myself. So, the channel was changed to the show the guests wanted to watch, and I counted three people who were actively watching. They would get up and socialize some more, then come back to see what was currently happening on the TV.

At one point during the evening, Cousin started asking to watch a particular channel, and our grandmother said that they were watching something else right now. A little while later, Uncle's wife comes in with Cousin, holding her hand and leading her to the couch. She picked up the remote, simpered, and said, "It's Disney Junior. Sorry. " and changed the channel. I was a little surprised, but didn't particularly care what we watched. My mom later told me she couldn't believe it, after a big show was made of asking what people wanted to watch. I could tell that the people who were watching the show were offended and annoyed by the way they sort of looked at her askance, but nobody said anything. Now, I want to make it clear that nobody was being a couch potato and ignoring my uncle on his birthday.

On the flip side, other times they've been over here and we were watching something, they would expect us to change the channel if they or their daughter wanted to watch something else. "We're guests." They don't do this all the time, but it has happened, so I was surprised that she would disregard her guests' wishes after specifically asking them what they wanted to watch.

I realize that it's their home, and they have control over the TV. Was she rude? And would it be rude for us to insist on watching what we wanted to watch when they're guests in our home? The only problem I personally had was the way she went about doing it, but my way of thinking has sort of been, "Your house, your rules; our house, our rules" in terms of the TV.

My TV - I decide what's acceptable, there are somethings that are banned in my house. HOWEVER, if a bunch of folks are watching TV it should be some all parties will enjoy not just one person. And turning the channel was rude.

I would stop acquiescing to their demands in your home and accept that in their they will treat you as if your wishes don't matter ( changing after asking what folks prefer just tells me that the guests preference to this host.)

I think it can depend. I don't think the adults need to give in to the kids all the time. OTOH, if this party is mostly for the adults then this entertains the kid(s) so the adults can socialize in peace.

In your Uncle's house he and his wife decide. I wonder if your Uncle's wife was getting pressure to change the channel to the awards show by some boor at the party who'd rather watch TV, and wanted a little support for what was keeping the toddler from being underfoot.

In your own home you of course have every right to turn off the TV to concentrate on your guests.

When it came to entertaining my parents had a strict rule: no TV when we had company. I like that policy (exceptions are TV viewing events like the Super Bowl, etc.), because when the TV's on it tends to dominate a room.

If I'm a guest at someone else's home, however, I'd never comment that I don't like the TV being on, nor would I change the channel. It's not my place.

But some of my former in-laws felt otherwise. Sometimes I'd host Thanksgiving or Mother's/Father's Day, and there could easily be 20+ people in my home. One BIL would turn on our TV to a sports show (he seemed to follow every sport avidly!), or FIL would turn on the news channel or a fishing show.

It bothered me, especially because it was somerthing few people wanted to see, and I think it's rude to turn on other peoples' TV without so much as asking. If I'd had a separate TV room, maybe it wouldn't have been so bad, but the TV was in the living room.

Oh yes, the old "When you're in my house the host dictates what's on tv but when I visit you it's the guest's right to dictate what's on the tv!!" double standard.

I'm not quite sure on how to call them on that politely but I'd be tempted to say the next time I was at their house and they tried to change the channel, "Oh but I thought the guest had the right to choose the tv program?"

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I wouldn't say anything either way, except that perhaps in future, I'd decline invitations to their home. Unless it's a TV event (i.e., Superbowl, Oscar Night party, etc.) I see no reason for the TV to be on during a party. If the kids need entertaining, the easiest way to do this is to hire a babysitter to attend to them while the parents enjoy their event.

(However, we used to do that and would then have people bringing their children and expecting the babysitter we provided for our daughter to watch their children too--not happening.)

If you are watching something at someone else's house and someone tried to take over the remote, I would point out that I too was a guest and happened to be watching whatever. Then I'd let them know what time my program was expecting to go off and let them come back at that time.

I agree with the,'No TV when we have guests' rule when the party is only a few hours long. However, when it's an event like our old Thanksgiving gathering, things are different.

When people are in and out of the family home from Tuesday to Sunday, TVs will be on. Some will be watching a game in the living room while the little ones are watching a DVD in the back room. As near as I remember, there have never been any arguments about what to watch. But then, the family's pretty easy going and football games or the Macy's parade are as much a part of the holiday as the turkey.

We generally keep the TV off for Holiday visits as well, but if it's a casual get-together and nobody's watching anything we usually don't mind. Arguments here have really been few and far between. I couldn't really decline this invitation, because even though I've pulled back quite a bit, it's a milestone birthday. I never would have heard the end of it, and my uncle would have been (justifiably so, I think) hurt.

I thought Uncle's Wife was well within her rights, as it was her house and her TV, except for the fact that she had offered without any prompting to put on a channel adults would be more interested in, then did an about-face without seeming to care what anyone else wanted. It didn't really bother me at the time, but as I thought about it more I was wondering if the fact that she offered to put on a program for her guests might have changed the tone of the situation. I wasn't sure if this was some sort of etiquette snag, or if I was just reading too much into it. At the time, I just sort of thought, "Oooookay, that's a little weird, but whatever..."

I got a mental picture of someone offering a plate of food to a diner, then picking it up before the person is half-way through, informing him or her, "You're done." That's not a very good analogy, though, and is out of proportion to what happened with the TV. That was actually pretty tame, I just thought she was a bit curt. Sorry, I'm getting my thoughts across very badly. I'm not quite awake yet.

We (meaning DH and myself) don't put the TV on when we have company. The only exception to this is on New Year's Eve when we turn on the TV to watch the ball drop.

I'm not sure if what your aunt did is rude or not since it is her house. When DS was small we used to keep a TV in a separate room available with appropriate movies/shows if he got bored with the adult party.

Their mother was in and out of the living room, but they weren't really watching their toddler, which is typical when they have people over.

I don't understand this. Maybe it's a "you had to be there" thing, but I have never watched my toddler *IN OUR OWN HOME* when we have guests.

There is no place in my home that my own child can't go. And I absolutely figure that especially when it's family, any truly *dangerous* behavior can be stopped by whatever relative/grownup/friend is nearer. In case of injury or tantrum, I'm in the other room, so it's not like I'm really ignoring her. Anything else falls into the category of "interacting with her own visitors"--something she has a right to do.

And at a family member's house, or at her own, I'm not sure why you'd lead the child back to her mother. She's not a package or even "someone else's child"; she's a visitor in her own right. Or, it's HER house.

As for the TV, well, that's why my mother wouldn't have allowed the TV on for ANY reason, not even a kids' show.

If the aunt wasn't willing to teach her child how to delay gratification by saying, "I'm sorry, honey, the grownups are watching something else right now," then she should have not been so curt to the grownups.

(and the visiting grownups SHOULD be interacting with the kid a bit more--no fair getting absorbed in the TV show and then being upset that the kid is bored! Of course she's bored; the grownups are BEING boring--which is another reason why the TV should be off, in my opinion)

Without knowing the show that was on, is it possible that it was something the parents weren't comfortable having on around a small child? There's a lot of shows that I won't let my kid watch that someone else might not think would be a problem.

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Without knowing the show that was on, is it possible that it was something the parents weren't comfortable having on around a small child? There's a lot of shows that I won't let my kid watch that someone else might not think would be a problem.

Rude on her part? A little, because it sort of seemed like she was scolding everyone for changing the channel in the first place. It definitely could have been handled better. If there was some kind of understanding to begin with that the TV was only on to keep the small child in that room, then yeah. But honestly I feel like this would have been a good time to teach Tiny Child the concept of sharing.

At your home? Your discretion. If the TV isn't being used and she asks to turn the tube on so Tiny Child can watch cartoons, I wouldn't fuss. If you happen to be watching it and she asks, no is totally appropriate. If Tiny Child (or anyone for that matter) is using the TV and you would like to watch something else, it wouldn't be particularly polite to change the channel.

For me there's no cut and dry answer to guests VS hosts on the TV. Ultimately the host has the final say about what should be on TV, but being a TV nazi isn't polite or endearing. You definitely have the right to change the channel, but there are polite and impolite ways to do it.