Over the Top Bar Mitzvah Videos

What can we expect when so many Jews are denying their kids a serious Jewish education.

Sam Horowitz’s bar mitzvah was nearly a year ago, but the video of his over-the-top coming of age celebration has only recently gone viral, viewed hundreds of thousands of times, even earning the thirteen year old and his mother a spot on Good Morning America.

In his video, Sam – dressed in a sharp white suite – descends from a ballroom ceiling in a large white chandelier, landing in the midst of a bevy of scantily-clad dancers wearing flapper-style miniskirts, and joins them in a Vegas-style dance number, the ceiling-high word “SAM” written in lights behind them.

Reaction to Sam’s video once it went viral was swift. One commentator wrote in the Washington Post that the excesses of Sam’s bar mitzvah party showed a lack of spirituality on the part of the bar mitzvah boy and his family – only to apologize a few days later in the paper, saying it is the Jewish community – rather than Sam himself – who deserves criticism.

Unfortunately, these videos are easy to mock. Most of us instinctively recognize that marking a bar or bat mitzvah is a momentous event. And watching kids engage in over-the-top theatrics, or appearing to make fun of Judaism, seems somehow wrong at a time when they are meant to be celebrating their growing maturity and spiritual development. These videos are lavish, but ultimately empty.

Yet besides being easy targets for approbation, these videos have something else in common, too. They’re passionate. They’re creative. The kids who made them clearly were eager to comment on and mark their Judaism in some way.

Our kids are seeking creative ways to express their search for spirituality and fulfillment.

Their very existence speaks to a timeless Jewish concept: the pintele yid, or spark of spirituality that exists inside every Jew. This quality restlessly seeks to find meaning in life, to connect with its Creator. It drives us to try to grow, to fulfill the plans that God has for us, to give meaning to our lives, and to try to become the people that God meant for us to be. The pintele yid can be ignored. It can be neglected, covered up, hidden – but it will find a way to drive us to look for greater meaning in our lives.

Today, especially, when traditional Jewish education is a rarity in many circles, our kids are seeking creative ways to express their search for spirituality and fulfillment. After viewing the aforementioned video of the bar mitzvah boy who admits he can’t find meaning in the dry messages he was taught about Judaism in Sunday school, Aish.com’s Lori Palatnik pointed out “this kid is…saying the Judaism he knows is not inspiring or relevant or real,” and that he probably speaks for 90% of bar mitzvah kids today. But by talking about his struggles with Judaism – by putting his thoughts on the internet for all to see – he’s at least grappling with issues that are important to him.

Of course the showgirl-style dancing or overt materialism is not how we should be relating to bar mitzvahs these days. But what can we expect when so many Jews are denying their kids a serious Jewish education and the benefit of 4,000 years of Jewish wisdom.

Many of these kids mean well. Sam Horowitz asked guests and those who view his bar mitzvah video on-line to make a donation to the Ben Yakir Youth Village, a children’s home in Israel, and he turned over $36,000 of his bar mitzvah gifts to the center. In another viral bar mitzvah video, the bar mitzvah boy dedicated his bar mitzvah to the memory of a young boy who perished in the Holocaust. These kids are clearly trying to make a difference in the world.

Rosh Hashanah is a time for introspection, a time to ask ourselves whether we’re doing all we can, and to make resolutions to do better. Certainly, we can and should seek a more serious form of spiritual engagement than the over-the-top antics of today’s crop of viral bar mitzvah videos. But at the same time, we can learn a lot from the passion and energy and attempts to do something good and lasting that many of the bar mitzvah kids in today’s viral videos display.

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About the Author

Yvette Alt Miller earned her B.A. at Harvard University. She completed a Postgraduate Diploma in Jewish Studies at Oxford University, and has a Ph.D. In International Relations from the London School of Economics. She lives with her family in Chicago, and has lectured internationally on Jewish topics. Her book Angels at the table: a Practical Guide to Celebrating Shabbat takes readers through the rituals of Shabbat and more, explaining the full beautiful spectrum of Jewish traditions with warmth and humor. It has been praised as "life-changing", a modern classic, and used in classes and discussion groups around the world.

Visitor Comments: 12

(11)
Anonymous,
November 9, 2014 4:36 PM

Tasteful & Satisfying alternative

One alternative to these over the top Bar Mitzvah's is to celebrate it at the Kotel. It can satisfy a person's desire to "make a statement" but usually will not come off as gaudy and showy. There are also many opportunities while in Israel to learn more about our heritage and make the whole affair more meaningful. We can help at westernwallbarmitzvah.com

(10)
eema23,
September 8, 2013 3:48 PM

money puts people off

The expense of bar mitzvah parties puts less affluent parents in a bind. Some don't even bother with Hebrew school and shul membership because they know they won't have the $5,000 to $10,000 to put towards the party. We had people telling us we "had to have" big parties, photographers etc. We didn't but we now we have a reputation as eccentric. We also have two grown daughters who only date Jews and keep kosher.

(9)
Anonymous,
September 3, 2013 4:05 PM

Bye Bye Hebrew School

To Anonymous above, I agree that oftentimes these turned off Bar & Bat Mitzvah kids have to mature, and very often after a trip to Israel, going on Birthright, or just getting some direction,they can develop stronger feelings for Judaism. The bottom line is, it has to begin at home. The parents do not care about Hebrew school, they just know that without it their child cannot have a Bar Mitzvah, so they are resigned to sending them. For them, it is an extra expense and a pain. So, it is really like fighting a losing battle, and personally, I don't think Hebrew Schools will last too much longer.

(8)
scott,
September 3, 2013 2:58 PM

It's a party!

Look...there are many customs that Jews have borrowed from goyim during the diaspora. Look at the chasadim who dress like 17th century Polish Catholics while living in the desert. What kind of Jew dresses like that? Or the tzadikim who some Jews think have some sort of intercessory power like Catholic saints. Live among goyim long enough and their customs and values will rub off.

Is it a silly custom? Yes. Making an offensively big party with dancing and pop bands and drinking and whatnot that actually mocks traditional Jewish values to celebrate the time in your son's life that he becomes liable for their observance. That's like throwing a beer bash after attending an AA Meeting. Personally I don't understand why they don't simply save the money for their children's weddings, when that kind of foolishness might be more appropriate.

Fancy bar mitzvahs are simply Jews in diaspora recreating the fuss made by goyim over first communions and christenings and whatnot. Very expensive Chanakuah bushes. Like most Catholics that make that kind of fuss, these folks will return to being secular after the show. But then at least these people are trying to do something to celebrate their Jewishness. At least they haven't toddled down to the Unitarian Church and abandoned the whole thing.

A person once told me that the purpose of liberal Judaism was to at least keep the idea of Jewishness in people's minds. It preserves the hope that their kids may have a chance to return to actual Judaism. I think that's true. Especially in this case.

If they're going to spend the money anyway..Masel Tov! They should have a blast and get some value out of it. At least they are trying to be Jewish.

(7)
Anonymous,
September 3, 2013 11:09 AM

My son became a Bar Mitzvah back in 2004. We were determined to make it a very meaningful occasion and I think we succeeded on that front. To the person who taught in an after school Hebrew program, please do not give up hope. Adolescence is a difficult time for everyone, and your students were not receptive to learning at that point in time. This does not mean they will never be receptive to their Judaism. Perhaps in time some of them will have matured and will be curious enough to value the lessons you tried so hard to teach them.

(6)
Nechama,
September 2, 2013 8:29 AM

PARENTS AFRAID OF YIDDISHKEIT

When my husband prepared bar mitzvah boys for a coservative temple many years ago, he was specifically told: "Don't make rabbis out of them. Don't tell them that they have to observe any commandments. If you do, the parents will turn elsewhere for their bar mitzvah training/temple membership.

So how do you explain to the boy that now his mitzvot have significance, that now he really makes a difference in the judging of Am Yisrael? Parents want a bar mitzvah but G-d forbid, don't tell the kid what it's all about.

(5)
Raymond Ronco,
September 1, 2013 9:36 PM

Why such Bar-Mitzvah's?

Such Bar-Mitzvah's exist because the parents do not know what Bar-Mitzvah is. Word Bar-Mitzvah does not appear in Torah. Torah says at the thirteen birthday a male can begin to do Mitzvahs. Bar-Mitzvah means son of Mitzvah.

(4)
Anonymous,
September 1, 2013 6:26 PM

Bar- Mitzvah- It's about the Bar!

To really understand how Jewish secular boys and girls feel about their Bar and Bat Mitzvah's, a teaching job in an afternoon Talmud Torah is the place. I had the unfortunate opportunity to teach Bar and Bat Mitzvah boys and girls, who were graduating and having their Bar and Bat Mitzvah. After that they were done with Judaism.. They were looking forward to the big bash their parent's were planning, (mostly for themselves) and after that they were done. Instead of looking at this time in their lives as the beginning of a new chapter, they looked at it as the end. The only one time I could get them into a semi serious mood was when we talked about the Holocaust. Other than that, nothing worked with them, no activity, hard as I tried. They never did homework, lost or forgot their books, came late, and made the class into a free for all. I found it very disappointing, vowing I would not do it again, though I did. I taught the Aleph class, and that was much more uplifting because the kids were very enthusiastic about learning a new language, and about Judaism. However, no doubt the same thing happened to those kids, when they reached the end of Hebrew school. Who wants to be in school after public school has ended, and who wants to go to school on Sunday? Hebrew School used to be three to four times a week, now it is barely two. Surely, there has to be a better way than this.

(3)
Melanie,
September 1, 2013 4:22 PM

I Don't Think So

I do not see the childish antics described in this article as demonstrating any search for meaning or spirituality. They reflect a self-centeredness and desire for attention and fame that are typical of our modern culture and stand in stark contrast to spirituality. At a time when these youngsters should be glorifying God and showing their gratitude to Him and their parents, they are simply showing off and trying to grab all the attention--even negative attention--they can get. This pattern, if it is one, is to be expected from spoiled children who have not yet come to know their Creator. Their parents ought to have waited until their children had something more to display than the sin nature with which they were born before throwing them a lavish party. Until one can say with Job, "I know that my Redeemer lives," he has nothing worth saying.

A. Eller,
September 2, 2013 5:50 PM

"...the sin nature with which they were born..." Sorry. Wrong religion.

(2)
sandy,
September 1, 2013 3:43 PM

I don't draw this conclusion

It's clear enough that the American Jewish community (can't speak with any experience for other communities) has great difficulty figuring out how to do a good job of Jewish education in a very secularized world, in the few hours a month the educators are given. And, I didn't particularly like the Sam Horowitz video either - more for its excess than for what it says about the Jewish education Sam received. But I don't think the desire to do something unique and then YouTube it ought to be seen as necessarily bad. I lump it with the impact made by Adam Sandler when he launched his Chanukah Song. He made it cool to be Jewish. I think some of the videos I've seen have that effect. They reach out to young Jewish people and say, "Look, don't fight your bar mitzvah. It's cool to be a Jew, and it's cool to attain this right of passage." In the really difficult world we live in, I think maybe we should think about how to USE these social media tools to further our educational goals, rather than lump them into a category as undesirable.

(1)
Joseph Toubes,
September 1, 2013 3:21 PM

When it was my time

I recall we had my bar mitzvah dinner, chicken and my cake we gave away to the Jewish old age home. My fathers was he and his father walked to synagogue, he read from the Torah and went home. We are hated by others for excess, 100,000 bar and bat mitzvahs, how about a cheaper one and donate the rest to a worthy cause in the kids name. Now that would be outstanding. Our kids already should know we love them and excess seems like we are trying to cover up for some wrong we have committed to them. Less is more.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
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