“The Journal of Wall Grimm” 114: Special Agent Hasty McPudding and the Microchip

Last night was Friday the 13th and Hasty, Patrick, Pete, and I were up for something crazy. However, we’ve done the scary shit, we wanted something different. So we decided to dress up like government agents and go into a bar in Boston. Yes a bar. However, I had no intentions of drinking. I just wanted to see if I could be in a bar and not drink. I thought the opportunity was a good one being with those three, they’re very supportive. Also the government agent thing I hoped to use as a distraction.

And yeah we decided to do this, but on the way into Boston, we realized it might be kind of cruel to do this since there’s all that war talk and we recently had the bombings in Boston. Some people might have thought some serious shit was happening and we didn’t want that. So we decided to blantantly make it a joke.

First we dressed pretty much like 3 Mulders and a Scully. Hasty was a very hot Scully btw. Then when we got to the bar and walked in, everyone stared because we really stood out, and we looked authentic, until we started doing stupid shit. I approached this girl and said, “exuse me, there’s something that needs to be investigated here.” I took her straw from her drink and looked through it, tapped on it, said, “hello?” to it and put it up to my ear to listen. I tossed it on the ground, “False alarm, don’t be nervous.”

Hasty had a swarm of guys around her saying, “I want to believe.” And she was just saying, “There has to be a scientific explanation.”

Then the four of us began a conversation that went something like this:

“The secret quota fumigated the microchip.”

“But where is the microchip?”

“When the shit hits the fan no one comes out clean.”

“That man over there looks like Special Agent Macaroni.”

“I hear he’s the best agent in the A.N.U.S.”

“What’s anus?”

“Atomic Nipples and Unruly Sheep-fuckers.”

“Is he a sheep-fucker or is he in the infiltration department?”

“He’s a mole.”

“I hear he wears women’s underwear.”

“I wear women’s underwear.”

“That’s because you’re a woman, Agent Hasty McPudding.”

“That’s very true, agent.”

“Ok let’s get back to the emergency at hand, the microchip.”

“I think I swallowed it.”

“Again!?”

“Well we’ll just have to cut you open.”

“Again!?”

“Either that or when the shit hits the fan, then we’ll find the microchip.”

And it progressively got stranger and more juvenile but we were sure to throw in a lot of goverment and scientific type jargon. We looked authentic but soon had a crowd around us listening to our conversation and knowing it was a joke. There was this hot girl with an amazing body so I looked at her and said, “I think the microchip is hidden somewhere on your person. You need to come with me so I can do a full cavity probe-I mean search.”

I took her by the arm and she actually came with me, but I didn’t know where I was going, I didn’t expect to get that far. She said, “so are you going to probe me?” I told her that first I need a cigarette, so she came out to have a smoke with me. She said, “normal people have a cigarette after probing.” She was funny, but she was throwing off my game. She made me start thinking about sex so I wanted to sneak off and fuck her. The problem was that it was distracting me from playing government agent which I was fully invested in to the point that I was ok being in a bar without drinking. Now I’m thinking about sex and it won’t be as easy to be distracted from alcohol anymore.

Not long after we went out of the bar to smoke, Pete came out to check on me and her friend came out to check on her, since she just exited the bar with me–a strange guy posing as a government agent telling her she needed a cavity search. I can see why that would be disconcerting to her friend.

It took every ounce of my will power to lean over to Pete and tell him I was having a hard time in the bar. I had to battle that demon that tells me I can sneak drinks and no one will ever know and who cares if they do find out, at least it will be after I have a drink. So I fought that and told Pete and he was glad I told him, so he went in and got Patrick and Hasty. They came out and I said bye to the girl and her friend but they said, “don’t go, stay and hang.” But I had to.

Then we went to a coffee shop, acted strangely, and took turns talking into pens.

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It was extremely scary and gross–I loved it. I like the one (can’t remember the name) when they go in the woods and there’s what looks like fireflies– the low budget of the first season made it creepier than all the rest, but I watched the show till the very end.