The
murder of a man in a Wichita, Kansas park was described as "boring"
by each of its nine witnesses during interviews with the local police and media
yesterday.

According to emergency response officials, the stabbing of James
Clark, 27, in the middle of Central Riverside Park was so yawn-inducing that none
of those who saw the crime unfold even bothered to call 911, and it wasn't until
a jogger reported the incident five minutes later that an ambulance was dispatched
- a delay that could have cost Clark his life.

"He (Clark) was talking
to this guy when the dude just stabbed him in the gut real casual-like and walked
off. That was it. The guy (Clark) said something lame like "Oooh" or
"Aaah" and fell to the ground, and I was just all like, 'that
was gay'," remarked a man who recalled finishing the cigarette he was smoking
before leaving the park, but none of the assailants physical features.

The
same man went on to describe how the slaying could have been made more exciting.

"Maybe instead of using that little knife, the killer could have used
a chainsaw or an axe or something, and chased the guy around the park for awhile
screaming about teaching him a lesson about messing with his woman before chopping his arm off and beating him with it like
in Toxic Avenger. That would be pretty cool, because it would be interesting to
see if the victim would choose to use his remaining arm to try to staunch the
flow of blood from his shoulder stump or protect his face from being bludgeoned with his
own severed limb. Either that, or maybe he could have forced the guy to bite the
curb before stomping on the back of his head. I love that."

Other
witnesses cited less outlandish standards for the magnitude of theatrics
and gore they expect of a murder they would care to involve themselves
with, but unanimously deemed the one they saw yesterday "not even close."

"I
mean, there could have at least been an obscenity laden argument that preceded
the stabbing, and the killer could have stabbed the guy a bunch of times in the
face and arms or whatever while the victim wasted his final breaths begging for mercy and trying to defend himself from the storm of razor sharp steel,"
groused a woman who reportedly didn't even bother to walk over to take a picture
of Clark with her cell phone as he lay dying, "But no, the guy just stabbed
him once and he dropped like a sack of potatoes. Totally lame."

Meanwhile, encumbered
by the general apathy of a jaded populace, and given that Clark's murder was the
third such "boring" murder to take place in the Wichita area this month,
police are concerned the killings could be the work of a cunning serial killer.

Remarked
criminal psychologist Janice Zetterberg: "It could very well prove to be
the case that we're facing a fiendishly clever new brand of serial murderer here
- one whom, recognizing how desensitized most Americans have become
to viloence - realizes he can kill with near impunity as long as he refrains from subjecting
his victims to prolonged barbaric torture, avoids any high speed pursuits, and doesn't kill anoyone famous."