Wednesday 15 October, 2003

I am still moving quickly between leaving and staying. Focusing on my body helps me to forget, but the feelings soon come rushing back. Can’t stay, can’t go. Fucked. I am not cut out for this place. I could sit for months with the letter from Leon, George & Calvin in my hands trying to find the love in it and I wouldn’t be able to.

I chatted with Simran. He gave me the photos of him and his sons to look at. They were lovely and Simran told me that my contribution to him has been to get him this far. I was touched but told him I cannot do it anymore. We talked about what bothers me about it all. I was not angry or emotional. I am too sad and tired of it all to be angry. I acknowledged the power of my mind in all of this. It is doing its damnedest to derail my process and it looks like it will succeed.

I also told Simran, as I had said to Dev last night, that in my sadness I am seeing more clearly how every negative thing I think about myself is real, not imagined. And none of it is going away. It was good to chat with Simran, but it changes nothing. I no longer believe in the process as I used to and Karaj has fallen from his place in my eyes, just as my father did. Karaj is all about blocking people. Whenever we actively want to do things, he blocks us. He told me two weeks ago (on 3rd October) that he will do whatever he can to keep me here. He also said he does not feel welcome in his own house when I am emotional.

Simran and I prepared the food together. It was just like old times, but it doesn’t alter the change in faith I am going through.

In the evening, I listened to Karaj talk about me to Harriet. I had only gone downstairs to get some cheques signed, and caught their conversation just as Karaj was telling her what a callous individual I am who has no idea what is going on around him and is arrogant enough to put himself above everyone. At first I thought it made my choice to leave even easier, but as the truth emerged about how unpleasant I truly am, I felt relief. Huge relief, in fact, along with the feeling that, ‘Right, perhaps now we can get to work on sorting me out.’

Additionally, Karaj said that all I need to do is to welcome people and work on my self-development through helping others. Well, why didn’t somebody tell me? Since returning from Australia in April, it has all been about ‘What work will Jonathan do now?’, and now it turns out that I only need to serve. Again, more relief. All this time I have listened to people tell me how good I am, but I can see the truth and it has taken four years for people – Karaj in particular – to see that. Why? Karaj told me later that four years is nothing for such a discovery or revelation.

I sat for a while and then spoke to Karaj about what he had just said to Harriet. He told me not to take it personally and I spoke of my relief. The more I think of it, the more relieved I become. In listening to people tell me how good I am, I have thought I must be paranoid because I don’t see what they see. But now everyone can see what I can see. Maybe now people will challenge me in the way I need them to.

Supervision (Karaj, Simran, Ishwar, Michelle and me). As I sit in this familiar forum I wonder whether I want to be here. Up to now I kept thinking I should be doing something high-powered like some of my friends, or something impressive, but Karaj is saying that I just have to serve. After hearing him talk about all my negativity and callousness, I am inclined to walk away because of what others must think of me; but I have also said to both Dev and Simran in the last 24 hours that I would love to stay. And don’t forget the relief at people seeing who I a really am.

Comments on my agenda item for the coming weekend: Leaving the house. Karaj does not accept this item. It is from Child Ego State. It will be dealt with in the Self Healing Group (SHG). Karaj does not want me here and I want to leave. Both views are stupid and the SHG needs to decide how to support me. Because if I leave, the group might as well close. According to Karaj, the reverberations from Robert’s departure are still being felt. He says the same will happen if I leave. He told Simran the group has to be clear what it expects from me and what it will give me so that I am not left with any uncertainty. I nodded at this point because uncertainty is what I have had plenty of recently.

Summary: What is going on with me? I don’t know whether I am coming or going. All I know is that hearing what Karaj had to say about me was the best thing that has happened to me of late. Things changed today.