How to Create Attraction with a Woman

Attraction is tension

This might seem simplistic, or may even sound foolish, but you’d be surprised. I promise that understanding this will forever change how you interact with women.

Don’t waste time thinking that what women SAY they want, and what they actually respond to are the same thing. Attraction isn’t about her rules, her expectations, or what she thinks she wants, needs, or deserves. Too many women end up with jerk-hole boyfriends for me to continue to believe such nonsense.

If you want to give a woman butterflies, just like you’d feel when you’re about to jump out of a plane, or moments before you give a big speech, then you must understand that attraction IS tension.

Without tension, there can be no attraction.

What is this tension we feel when we’re attracted to a woman? Tension is defined by the space between where you are (e.g., meeting a woman for the first time) and where you want to be (e.g., in bed with her).

This electrified space between reality and fantasy is tension. Tension is the necessary corollary of attraction. This is why you don’t want what you already have: the space between wanting it and having it is gone and tension is lost. On the other hand, wanting what you have no hope of getting also makes for negligible tension. If a woman is super hot but unattainable, there can be very little tension created between you.

Most men are attracted to a woman based entirely on how she looks. Be careful here: if you’re driven to date women simply because they’re beautiful, you will discover that attraction based simply on looks doesn’t last, because the tension between you cannot be maintained.

"Show me a beautiful woman, I’ll show you a man who’s tired of f***ing her."

~from the movie Perfect Stranger

You might be saying “but Robby, I’ve always hated tension because it feels awful, so won’t it make her feel awful too?” The reality is that tension isn’t necessarily good or bad; tension is just a feeling we feel. It’s how we interpret our tension that makes it good or bad. If you anticipate something good happening, then your brain will label your tension as good. If you anticipate something terrible, then your brain will label your tension bad and seek to diminish it.

Creating tension is a fine balance of keeping up a sense of mystery and unpredictability about yourself, as well as maintaining your personal boundaries, while ensuring that your girl does not interpret the tension she feels as a warning sign of possible danger.

This is what flirting is about. Teasing her, confusing her, pulling her in with jokes and stories, and pushing her away by teasing her and with playful banter. It’s your job to create a tone of comfort while being unpredictably playful.

This creates tension. This creates attraction. Just as a comedian learns to build tension leading up to a punch-line you must learn to build tension when leading a girl into your life.

Attraction is applied resistance

Tension is created when a force is applied; that force is resistance. If you give your date exactly what she wants, all of the time, you are effectively killing her attraction for you.

Women are not attracted to “nice guys” because nice guys actively try to rid themselves of tension by endlessly agreeing and apologizing. What nice guys don’t realize is that attraction is tension. The attraction that a woman feels for you is her emotional anticipation of who you are and how she expects you’ll make her feel.

Attraction is an emotion, and is therefore, generally-speaking, out of our conscious control. As dating guru David DeAngelo says, “Attraction isn’t a choice.” Just as we have instincts to Fight or Flight, we have instincts to Fuck or Chuck. If you understand that a woman’s attraction to you is based on a kind of instinctual feeling, you’ll be 99% further ahead than most other men.

Your job is to build a woman’s interest and anticipation by letting her know how fun, honest, sincere, intelligent and caring you are, while also giving her some resistance to gaining full access to you. This resistance is the tension she’ll enjoy, and the basis for her growing attraction to you. If there is no resistance, either because you’re unavailable (married, gay, uninterested) or because you’re overly available, (nice, transparent guy with no boundaries) then any attraction she may have felt for you simply dies off.

Building tension

We don’t want what we have; we want what’s just out of reach. Give a girl what she wants, without resistance, and you’ll extinguish her attraction. If you tease a woman by interchangeably giving and withholding, you build tension and attraction.

Relationships often fail when those in the relationship get exactly what they want when they want it. Give a woman perfect certainty and her desire will fade; give a woman hope and uncertainty and she’ll want you forever.

Let’s look at a pick-up line that doesn’t work because it doesn’t create tension:

"Wow, you have the most amazing eyes I’ve ever seen… wow, you’re so beautiful. Can I buy you a drink!?"

Why don’t beautiful women respond to compliments? Because you’re not the first guy to notice she has beautiful eyes, or amazing hair, or great legs. The fact that you think you’re the first guy to compliment her will communicate to her that you’re just like every other arrogant, hotheaded guy.

When you drown a woman in compliments and put her on a pedestal, you’re displaying low personal value. Beautiful women desire resistance from men but rarely get it.

How about using the following twist on an otherwise unsurprising compliment:

"Wow you have beautiful eyes…except for the left one. (*wink*)"

If you can make a woman laugh, she will link her pleasure with your company. Pull her in with humor, but push her away a little too:

"Wow, you are so beautiful! You’ll make all the other women jealous."

Teasing like this communicates to a woman that she’s desired, but can’t use your vulnerability to walk all over you. It’s this combination of pushing her away and pulling her in that creates tension and tension is the core of what builds and maintains attraction. Tension-creation in the context of dating is the game of seduction.

Tension do's and dont's

Here is a list of things to remember to build good tension with a woman:

DO talk slower. When we’re nervous we unconsciously start to talk too quickly. Some people even stutter. Take a deep breath and simply allow the tension to exist without you needing to reduce it. If you talk nice and slow, women will perceive you as a calm, cool guy, rather than a nervous wreck who she can write off.

DO speak clearly and with authority. If she has to say “what?” because she didn’t hear what you said, then you’re letting tension slip away. Speak clearly. For full effect, shift from loud to soft depending on the story, but always make sure you are heard. This will force her to sometimes listen more carefully. Changing between louder and softer tones will help build a woman’s interest and attraction by requiring her to interchangeably focus when you speak more softly, and relax when you speak more loudly.

DO hold strong eye contact, at first. When we’re nervous, we unintentionally break eye contact. Don’t do this when you first interact with her. It’s okay to look around casually, but be sure to keep strong eye contact whenever suitable. It communicates that you are confident.

DO give her your total attention in short spurts. When we focus our attention on a woman without breaking eye contact it has the potential of making her feel uncomfortable. It’s more useful to give her your total attention in short spurts, so that she can experience the pleasure of your undivided attention, but also the pleasure of its release. This is another instance of keeping it fun by creating a rhythm of push and pull.

DO keep strong, positive, and confident body language. When you move slowly it will indicate that you’re composed and confident. This helps her to relax and shows her you are confident despite the tension of the situation. Pay attention to how you stand, sit, and generally move. When you’re nervous, it will show, and you will transfer your nervousness onto her.

DO watch Ocean’s Eleven. If you want to learn about powerful, confident male body language, rent the Ocean’s Eleven movies and watch how Brad Pitt and George Clooney carry themselves. The goal is to always be comfortable and relaxed in all of your body movements. Move slowly and deliberately, even if it feels forced and overly-dramatic; the more you do it, the more natural it will feel.

DON'T laugh too much. Uncomfortable laughter is our body’s way of releasing tension. This might be a good thing if you’re trying to avoid getting punched in the face right before a bar fight, but it will not go far when trying to seduce a woman. Don’t be that guy who laughs at his own jokes, or who laughs more than everyone else. Learn to accept and appreciate the added tension that not laughing wildly or inappropriately brings.

DON'T react emotionally to any nervousness she may be displaying. Be calm and composed. By remaining calm and smiling comfortably you’ll inspire her to relax and to feel calm as well. It’s an unconscious way of leading her: if you smile, she’ll smile; if you’re calm, she’ll feel calm. She might be high strung, and the more into you she becomes the more she’ll become bouncy, high energy, and nervous. When you’re composed, it’ll communicate that she doesn’t make you nervous. This will help lead her to believe that you’re confidant and of high value.

DON'T fidget, rock, or bite your nails. We all have nervous habits, which help us to control the tension in our bodies. If you want to lessen the tension of a situation learn to breathe deeply and control your own behaviors. Meditation is a great tool for developing the skill for calming your own nerves. Calm your body using meditative techniques, not by relying on off-putting nervous ticks.

DON'T apologize for everything. Apologizing too much communicates to a woman that you’re insecure and require her constant approval and/or forgiveness. Women don’t want emotionally needy men: learn to control and deal with your own insecurities.

DON'T lie. Sometimes we feel that the truth will create too much tension, but the reality is that unexpected honesty creates the best kind of tension.

DON'T hide yourself. Sometimes we become intimidated by those around us, and in an unconscious effort to avoid conflict and tension, we shrink ourselves. Instead of hiding yourself, build your courage and express yourself. Take up space. When sitting with friends, let your arms and legs fill your personal space. Take up room. Make your person matter.

DON'T frown or sneer. If you like what you see then smile; it’s friendly and nice. The guy who doesn’t smile is creepy and unfriendly.

What Girls Said 12

Very good! My first boyfriend did the mistake of not creating any tension and I ended up seeing him as a friend only with no attraction. You have many very good points and I happen to know your advice is accurate.

Thanks for your answers! Very helpful! If your work hasn't been published, it should be!! You were spot on about the father security issue. I always felt safe around my dad. He was strict but gentle and I melt around tough, street-smart guys, which is not always a good thing. RE: My crush - sad that he's not that into me but I'll live. Not sure if he's involved with anyone but it kind of sucks to flirt with another girl if he is IMO. Thanks again! You're awesome!!

Question #2 - Even with all of the people out there, do we still tend to gravitate towards a certain type of person that reminds us our our mother/father or someone that has certain ethnic qualities or other beliefs that we share? I'm asking because I always tend to be attracted to someone with the same religious or ethnic background as myself.

This is an awesome article! Well written and well thought out tips. I have two questions for you bobair. #1 - I like this guy who is a confident, alpha male type, who has shown all of the flirting signals. In particular extended eye contact and now he's on my mind 24/7. He must have read your work....lol. Anyway, he's hooked me in but is not making any real moves, i.e. asking me out. Is he a player or on an ego trip or what?

What do you mean by, "tease a guy where he's weak and tease a women where she's strong"? What's the difference between guys and girls when it comes to 'offensive' comments?

Besides that - great article! I've noticed that there are a lot of things that are similar in this area betweet guys and girls, what's written here can be also for girls about attracting guys, or there's big difference?

I love ur articles they're great 2 read &see if how you portray women & how you see them if its true & it us for the most part. The biggest thing in the article that I'd like to point out is: "If you can make a woman laugh, she will link her pleasure with your company. Pull her in with humor, but push her away a little too" This is the most attractive thing you can do in my opinion because humor is a personality trait that has to be there for me & the push/pull is good because it means your not "easy"

I love this article- I wish more nice guys knew about this truth. (BUT bohair's clarification about the push-pull thing is really important). Women like nice guys, but that doesn't mean we like guys who give us everything we want and bend over backwards to help us. Be a little selfish, have your own life. Stay nice and sweet, we love you for that, but don't give everything away in the first five minutes of conversation. Great article, just had to add my version lol.

I actually like this article. It's more of a self help article to make a man more confident about himself, and women, than a guide to manipulate. I think it is true in some areas but some areas are false. Overall, it should be helpful to men to become the confident men they should be, when it comes to the opposite sex. :)

Hey bauer, if you got all the answers then why were you reading this site in the 1st place?

Nice article, I think you're helping a lot of us guys 'unprogramme' the damage years of Hollywood movies have done. "You mean not every woman wants some bumbling Hugh Grant type who wants to rush to the altar??" :)

If they smile, hit you and laugh, or otherwise keep talking to you, then it's okay.

The key to teasing is this: Tease a guy where he's weak (make fun of his skinny legs) and tease a women where she's strong (make fun of her expensive purse.)

When teasing girls, make sure she's super confident about the topic, or you could hurt her. Don't tease a fat girl about being fat, tease a super model about being "average." Know the girl and her strengths first.

I was wondering if one can be polite when teasing or does teasing usually involves rudeness to a certain extent? Sometimes I tease my girl friends and they responded with "You are so rude" in a playful manner and with a smile of the face. Is that okie? Or have I gone overboard?

Hey Tiger, feel free to message me directly, I don't mind. And you may be right, she may actually be into you. But ask yourself this... why is she not responding like a normal girl who's into you? Either she's "playing games" in an effort to make you chase her, or she's not really interested.

Either way do you really want to waste your time chasing a girl who's crazy or into games and control? You might catch her but she'll always be trying to get away. Booooring! Best of luck dude.

Hey Tiger - let me ask you this... would you reply to an email if a girl you thought was cute sent it to you? My guess is no.

So if she didn't reply to your first email then you've made a grave mistake emailing her again, because she's already displayed "disinterest" in you. If she was interested she wouldn't play hard to get, she'd flirt and interact.

So she's not interested, simple as that. Sorry cause that sucks. Ignore her and give her space and focus on girls who give you their focus.

She also didn't reply to the first one - she just said the next day that she wasn't sick when I said to her, "Oh, you got better already?". So will I get really better results if I ignore her more when I next see her (Saturday)?

Because of the e-mails, she probably guesses that I like her back. I don't think she knows that I know that she likes me.

... some interest in me (well she seemed to have had lost some interest in me the day after I sent the e-mail saying get well, and she claimed she wasn't sick, even though our coach for the sport and another adult who was with her on Monday said she was really sick). Oh, I sent the e-mail on Tuesday after she didn't show up to training, and she showed up yesterday. After training yesterday I sent the other e-mail asking if she got the shoes that she forgot yesterday. She hasn't replied to it.

Great article! I like this girl who I know likes me back, and I think I may have come on too strong - I sent a couple of really nice e-mails in the past few days to her (even though she never gave me her e-mail address - I saw the address in a group e-mail sent to like 20 people at the end of August), one saying get well, because I heard she was sick, the other asking if she got her shoes from the front desk at the club we train at for a sport (she left them there). She seems to have lost...

#2) Good question. It all depends on how well balanced you are as a person. I will often see women chasing men who are like their dads simply because they want the approval daddy never gave them. Or they want the security daddy used to provide.

Attraction isn't a choice and I guarantee your attraction for men of the same religious beliefs happens WAY before you know what religion they are. His beliefs are just your "logical" reason for liking him but it starts somewhere in your feelings first.

#1) Confident men will often find women like yourself attractive and fun to flirt with. This doesn't mean he wants more than playful banter. Basically he's just not that into you, OR he's not available and therefore can't escalate. I'm unsure how you might think this is an ego trip, so stop.

But with women it's only fun if you tease her where she's most secure. So if she's super secure and she dresses well, then you tease her about dressing poorly. Or if she's super fit then you tease her about being eating too much.

Or if you don't yet know her then you tease her about something generic... "Wow, that's a super huge purse... got a gun in there?"

Men and women always date within their "social value" range. So you simply won't see a woman of "high value" (social status, assess to resources and money, physical beauty, high self-esteem) dating a man of "low value" (awkward, ugly, no resources, low-self esteem).

But the mistake most guys make is that they think their job and physical appearance dictates their value, which is totally wrong. Any guy can improve his self-esteem, social status/calibration/skills, or his "fun" vibe!

I get you. So take yourself out of your shoes and assume for a minute you are asexual. Knowing what you know now, do you think there are leagues to guys in general? (And again, not for you but male population) Sure there are the guys who count themselves out because he thought a girl was too good for him, but for the "normal" guy are there leagues?