How to Squat Big-Time!

My slice of humor has circulated around the bodybuilding / training
community for years... Enjoy!

Have you always wanted to be one of those feared monsters in the
gym, but never knew the secret? ... have people cover their
eyes in fear when you walk past, see little scrawny guys scurry
away from the fountain when you grunt, or have an entourage follow
you around to watch your every lift, in absolute awe? Well,
you've got to get noticed, and do the stylin' squat...
Here's the guide for doing squats to ensure the fastest
growth in your gym prowess: (meatheads need not apply)

Step 1: Preparation

For your "intiation day" at the gym (the one that will
set you well on your way to monsterhood), you should have
ready the following:

Chalk (find some that makes the biggest cloud that hangs in
the air for the longest time after you clap your hands
with it). Store it in a tupperware container, important
for the veteran look.

Powerlifting belt. 4-6 inches on the back. Essential.
The biggest prongs and buckle you can find. It must be
leather, too. Remember to remove the price tag.

Knee wraps. If you can find them, get ones that take
about 5 minutes to wrap. Any less just won't do.

Get a crew cut. Everybody knows a short haircut makes
you look bigger.

Cheap water bottle.

Practice the ILS strut -- walk around like you've got
barrels under your arms, the bigger the better.

Step 2: The Walk

Go to the squat rack, and nothing but the squat rack. You
must find the most direct line, even if that means walking
over a benchpress or through a conversation between monster-
heads. Don't be intimidated. You're going to earn their
respect today. If anyone talks to you on your way, you must
ignore them, with your eyes fixed on the rack. You mustn't
talk, as this takes away from your intense look. During the
walk, you musn't trip over anything, as this doesn't look good
either. If necessary, practice the direct-route walk when
the gym is empty, so you know where the difficult areas are.

Step 3: Taking the Rack

When you arrive at the rack, if there's a skinny guy doing
curls, then push him over, and say, "get outta here, rat!"
Make sure he gets hurt when he falls. Clench your jaw together
when you're doing this, for additional effect. If there's a big
guy, then hang off for a while, standing near the rack, but
make sure your lats are flexed 'til they cramp, and in complete
view of the rest of the gym -- it helps if you tuck in your
tank top. It's much better if you time your entrance
(beginning of step 2) so that there's no big guy at the rack
by the time you've finished your Walk.

Step 4: The Setup

Now that you have your own rack (or cage), it's important to
get some attention. Drop your gear near the rack as loudly
as possible, preferrably so that the prongs of the belt hit
something metallic.

Look in the mirror in front of you to see if anybody heard,
if not, then make sure the supports in the cage are strong
by hitting them loudly with the side of your hand as hard as
you can without getting a bruise.

Now, pick up your belt and cinch it up as tight as you can
manage. Tighten until your waist is 20 inches. Contrasting
your 40 inch chest, you now have an impresive v-taper, just
like the pros.

Walk up to the bar, hit it with both hands (again, forcefully
enough) grunt at it, and then turn around to check out your
audience. The more people near the rack, the more impressive
your lift will seem.

Throw on a pair of 45s. Make sure that you throw them on
as hard as you can manage without losing your balance. This
is an excellent way to cultivate your audience. Next, put
on your wraps and double-check your belt. Pick up your
water bottle, take a swig, then throw it across the gym.
For best effect, it should rocket through the other guy's
squat cage, narrowly miss the guy doing 100lb dumbell
presses and hit a far wall.

Now, toss on another pair. You should have 225. This
isn't enough for them? Time to throw on another pair.
Now we're getting a couple looks, aren't we? Ahh... now's
not the time to stop -- you're on a roll, and you're starting
to get some respect, so fling on another 90. When the
clamour of the weights begins to die, tell somebody nearby,
"Hey you... fetch me a couple more plates." 495 on the bar...
look who's talking now! You will probably see even see the
biggest guys in the gym looking out of the corners of their
eyes, suppressing their awe. If only Yates could see
you now.

Step 5: The Burn

This is a crucial step. Pick some skinny kid nearby and
walk up to him, ask him quietly "can I borrow you for
a moment?" Walk back to the bar, and wait for him to
come near. If all goes as planned, he'll say, "Do you
need a spot?" Bingo. Make sure you yell the rest of
this loud enough so that everyone around you could hear:
"You... spot me? HAHAHAHAHAH Muahahaha.. You couldn't
spot a fly if it hit you in the eye." Immediately, pick
one of the big guys and say, "Hey bro, got a sec for a
quick spot?" You have boosted his ego, so chances are
he'll do it. If not, then come up with a good joke about
his clothing and pick somebody else (preferrably not
the deepsquatter).

Reach into your tupperware container of chalk, and rub
it across your palms, back of shoulders and neck. Grunt
every now and then and mutter some things under your breath.
Occasionally say, "piece of cake", "what a joke", or
"now we're cookin'". Finally, smash your hands together,
but make sure there's a hefty quantity of chalk in the
cup of your hands before they hit. This will make sure
that all of it explodes into the air. You want the skinnies
in the aerobics area to be struck with fear
by the A-bomb cloud of chalk dust rising over the squat
area. This is usually enough to bring over a couple more
spectators.

Step 6: The Lift

Now that you're wrapped, chalked, belted and have an
enough people watching, it's time to get on with your
lift -- if you wait too long, you'll lose people's interest.
Walk back up to the bar, again, slap your hands on the
bar, and very quickly duck under the bar and smash your
shoulders into the bar. This should make the cage
rattle with all the weight. You're in position for your
Lift.

Make sure your spotter is close behind you, because it's
important that he obscures you from the crowd watching
from behind. You want them to hear your lift, not
see it.

When ready, stand, walk out and grunt. You will probably
need about 5 grunts to keep people's interest while
you're getting ready. Now, start to bend your knees,
and go down a couple inches. As soon as you think you've
gone far enough, start yelling. Try to roar from the
bottom of your stomach, with as much force as possible.
Before you start your roar, be sure to get as big a breath
as possible. This will allow you to keep a sustained
roar for much longer; hyperventilate if you have to.
But it's not the length that counts, it's the number of
times the roar changes pitch, making it sound like you're
going through a series of different levels of agony.
Your last note should be unpleasantly loud and should
crescendo with you throwing the bar back on the pins.
Assuming your yell was long enough, most people will
think you came up from parallel, and the spotter should
make it difficult to see.

Step 7: The Exit

Step out of the rack, and look around to see what sort
of audience you managed to summon. If you've injured
yourself, don't cry until you've left the gym. Leave
the weight on the bar so that the next person to use
it has to take it all off and realize how strong you
really are. Ignore your spotter. If he starts to say
something about depth, yell over top of him, "what kind
of LOUSY spot was that?" To anything he says after that,
just laugh him off immediately. Exit the gym by the
same route you took to get in. Do not remove your
belt and remember those barrels.

With careful application of these secrets, don't be
surprised if you become the new talk of the gym.
If the gym tells you they don't want you back (they're
usually worried about letting superstrong guys like you
make others insecure), find another one. Preferrably
one of those hardcore ones like Jane Fonda or Bally's.

Reader's Comments:

"You... spot me? HAHAHAHAHAH Muahahaha.. You couldn't spot a fly if it hit you in the eye."

2007-02-21

bigcod

My brother does this.

2006-02-04

Arin

This is awesome, I want to print it out and give a copy to the employees at the gym I go to. I think I might do that!

2005-12-31

Vicki

LMFAO!! OMG this is funny! I have seen guys pull this one~ as dumb as it is- they do fool some out there.

2004-07-23

DanMc

LOL.. At 6'4 235 it would be tough to find a spotter to hide behind... that is classic.

2004-07-23

Eric_FXST

TOO FUNNY!

2004-07-23

Bulkbill

haha! nice

2004-07-23

SavesTheMuscle

ROFL!!!!!! hahahahahahah

"Hey you, fetch me some plates!"

OH man this one is good...

Quote: You want the POW camp extras in the aerobics
area to be struck with fear by the A-bomb cloud of chalk dust rising over the squat area.

BAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

2004-07-23

tetsuo

that was excellent

2004-07-23

Stagger

My favorite was "You? Spot me? HAHAHAHAH!"

That was a great read.

2004-07-23

hyp3r3xt3nsion

nice

2004-07-23

warped

LMAO! I like this one:

Now, pick up your belt and cinch it up as tight as you can manage.
Tighten until your waist is 20 inches. Contrasting your 40 inch chest,
you now have an impresive v-taper, just like the pros.

2004-07-23

Biasedbulldog

"You want the POW camp extras in the aerobics area to be
struck with fear by the A-bomb cloud of chalk dust rising
over the squat area."

Bwahahahah.... The sad thing is I think some of the guys at my gym actually took that to heart

2004-07-23

Hypersion

Hey - You must have watched me deadlift the other day?

2004-04-23

BigRic

OMG that wsas ****ing hilarious.

2004-04-23

BigRic

So, I tried this in the gym today with not such good results. I'm
only 190lbs, skinny, but wanted mad respect at the gym!

I didn't own a weight belt, so I just got this really thick belt that my mom has.
It's black, so the big buckle on the front didn't look to girly. No chalk, but got
a thing of baby powder from teh bathroom. I didn't have time to get some wraps, so
I substituted my little brothers knee pads. Grabbed a bottle of water on the way,
already have a short haircut (hey,I'm new, but I'm not THAT new to the gym), and away I go!

I got to the gym, and there were people walking out. Immediately I went into the best ILS
strut I could manage! I could tell they were impressed while I feigned trouble getting out
of my car from my huge back!!

I walk inside, and make a B line STRAIGHT for the squat rack like you guys told me to.
On the way I accidentally hit one of my slightly extended arms on a guys barbell, knocking
2 plates off in the middle of his bench! (DON'T WORRY!!) Like a true pro, I immediately
looked to him and said "Try to lower the weight if it's too much for you to control!!!"
Everyone that was looking from the noise of the plates fallign to the ground immediately
got a look of anger - surely over the inexperienced guy who couldn't handle the weight on his bench.

I was lucky when I reached the rack, because it was already empty. I threw my gear down at the rack.
The large buckle on my mom's belt made the greatest crashing noise ever! I'm sure I got some attention then!!
I tucked in my tanktop, put on my mom's belt, strapped on the knee pads as tight as they could go,
chugged the water, threw it at the far wall, and proceeded to grunt!! Oh man, what a grunt! This
was great! I had everyone's attention now!

I started adding weight to the bar, but wanted to REALLY impress everyone. I used a bunch of
plates and worked a taper on the ends using smaller weights, so it looks like I am doing even more!

I found the nearest guy and worked him over with the Burn! I talked about his mom and all! He was
fully insulted. Then I picked the big guy,and got my spot ready!

I pull out my baby powder and SQUEEZED! The whole area was full of the aroma of it! I could
tell all the onlookers knew I was a serious professional when they saw that! This weight ain't
no ****, and neither am I!!

Finally, I grunted, kicked and punched the rack. I did a hulk-like pose in the mirror to
really psyche everyone out!! Here was the moment of truth!!

I took a breath! Grunted, lifted the weight! Now here's where things started to go so
wrong! I DID hyperventalate! Just like you told me to! I fell to the floor, the way
knocked my spotter down, plates fell everywhere, and everyone saw! Right away I yelled
"that's the last time I get such a small guy to spot me!!" but I'm not sure if that
saved face! The guy started to respond so I yelled "I appreciate your apology! Just
don't let it happen again!"

Still covered in babypowder, wearing my mom's huge belt buckle belt, a pair of
child's skateboard knee pads, and my arms out like I am carrying two thanksgiving
turkeys - I made my strut out of the gym! I had everyone's attention on the way
out! So maybe things did go well! I guess I will have to wait until next time
to see how intimidated everyone is!!!

2004-04-23

ElPietro

I keep my chalk in a tupperware container, have a thick powerlifting
belt, crew cut, cheap water bottle, and generally always take the most direct
path to the power rack when I get to the gym as well. :)

2004-02-19

drunkenj

very funny!p>

2004-02-18

Ka-Bar

So that's why my chalk has been so stale and not-so-fresh lately. I've just
been putting it in a bowl, loosely covered with cling wrap. Now I know that Tupperware is the squatter's secret.

2003-12-10

PizDoff

QUOTE: Chalk (find some that makes the biggest cloud that hangs in
the air for the longest time after you clap your hands
with it). Store it in a tupperware container, important
for the veteran look.

Reach into your tupperware container of chalk, and rub
it across your palms, back of shoulders and neck. Grunt
every now and then and mutter some things under your breath.
Occasionally say, "piece of cake", "what a joke", or
"now we're cookin'". Finally, smash your hands together,
but make sure there's a hefty quantity of chalk in the
cup of your hands before they hit. This will make sure
that all of it explodes into the air. You want the POW
camp extras in the aerobics area to be struck with fear
by the A-bomb cloud of chalk dust rising over the squat
area. This is usually enough to bring over a couple more
spectators. ENDQUOTE

$#%!ing brilliant.

2003-12-09

ronin69

So true !!!!! so true it hurts !!!!!!

2003-05-29

Dave

haha great!!!
that was hilarious!

i gotta go get me one of those big belts....

2003-05-28

slfastball

LOL, i wouldn't wanna come back to the gym if i ever did that

2003-05-28

AtypicalDude

hahaha good stuff, just wondering who's gonna take this wonderful advice now?

2003-05-27

Y2Jversion1

That was funny as hell! lol There's a guy at my gym who does kinda
the same thing on the bench.. slaps on like 4 plates per side and struggles
out like 4 partial reps.. i think the bench only moves within 3 or 4 inches
each time :lol:

Crazy - it describes the exact technique one of the guys used at my old gym!

2002-09-17

Tryska

*lol* very funny

2002-09-17

EdgarMex

I'll put that into practice tomorrow! :D

2002-09-17

AdamGberg

haha, ya. i always laugh when those type of guys come around

2002-09-17

Spawn_X

hahahaha lol thats a good one.

2002-04-23

Hogan

LOL... good one! I was lauging out loud in class. Oh right, class. I should be paying attention, huh

2002-04-23

Anthony G

You know this could also work for shrugs! Load up a shrug bar with as much weight as you can hold,
grunt and petend you are doing shrugs, but in reality all yu are doing is straining to hold the
weight. All the steps are the same of course.

2002-04-23

maverick

This is hillarious!p>

2002-04-23

bruce

This Calvin Hass dude really knows his stuff...this is how I squat, and
I've been booted out of several gyms in the last year...its cause I'm too
HYOOOGE and use up all the 45 pound plates.

2002-04-23

awesomepossom

Hey, don't laugh. This stuff really works!! I did it this morning
and EVERYBODY was looking. The only problem is that I've got a lot of
boogers from all that chalk. Oh well, it's worth it--being such an animal and all.

2002-02-14

Ingram

Great post! lmao

2002-02-14

Sebass67

Beautiful post. I think i am going to try that one day when i have the
guts. Maybe when i go back home...i'll do it at the recreational pool gym in my city...

2002-02-14

bouncer

This is with doubt THE FUNNEST STORY I've read, an absolute classic.

2002-02-13

danielson

RALOL!!! :lmao:

2002-02-13

Y_Lifter

The best Cheap Water bottle is a Old Gallon Milk container...

2002-02-13

mekannik

"Now we're cookin'." I like that line, have to use that one this evening when I'm squatting.

What about using bumper plates? You could have six of those on each side of the bar and it could only be #225.
...or did I just let another secret out??

2002-02-13

HappyScrappy

this is by far the best post I've ever had the benefit of witnessing.
this should be made permantently sticky, like my underwear.

I bow down before you and worship you as the god of all that is... something. funny?

there is a guy at my gym that actually follows that almost to the letter :D

2002-02-13

HappyScrappy

I've seen so many people do this - that is what makes it so beautiful.

again, I nominate this for "best post ever"

2002-02-13

HighIntensity

very funny bro...

one trick i like to do that scares that crap out of other lifters is takeing in as much water as possible at the drinking fountain, then in one fluid motion spitting it all over the gym floor, after that they know i mean buisness.