Are the holidays getting you down? Relatives driving you crazy? Do you need some love advice? Log on and ask Dennie Hughes, USA Weekend's advice and "relationtip" expert and contributing editor. Dennie's also available to take questions and comments on tough-to-confront issues, from in-law problems to how to "come out" to your family. Join in and get the scoop.

Comment from Dennie Hughes:
Welcome to my last RelationTips chat of 2001! I hope all of you are looking forward to the year ahead -- I know I am. Let's begin:
Redmond, West Virgina :
What should one do about asking her sister to move out?

Dennie Hughes:
It actually depends on the details of the situation -- why is the sister there in the first place, why is she being asked to move out -- however, I do believe that at least one month's notice in writing is the legal and fair thing to do.Plainfield, Illinois :
My wife and I invited my father and my niece to Christmas dinner, we told them dinner would be at 3 my father called at 3 to say he just got home and would call my niece (she is from out of state) at 5 he called to say that my niece couldn't come for dinner and would stop in after 5 my father arrived at 5:30 and my niece arrived at 7. How should I handle next christmas? Signed Enough already!

Dennie Hughes:
Send written invites with specific times outlined -- end with: if you cannot make it on time, we will say a prayer at the beginning of the meal for you, eat without you, and keep a plate warm for you in the oven!Apple Valley, MN :
Dennie, my husband and I seem to have forgotten how to communicate. We do not care for eachothers needs the way we should. One thing that hurts me is something as simple as when I ask him to massage my nech and he never does. If he was hurting I would help him, and I do not feel he feels the same. How can I or we work on this?

Dennie Hughes:
Relationships need attention, care and work to keep them alive. Please schedule a "date night" at home with your husband that will entail a nice, unhurried dinner and talk -- ask him to bring to the table his list of things that would make him happier, and you bring yours as well, and exchange. The only rule? NO ONE disputes the other's list or goes into a defensive mode -- read, discuss and both of you resolve to start scheduling these date nights regularly to start reconnecting. Good luck.Vallejo CA :
Does it mean anything that my boyfriend won't invite me over for holiday dinner? He tells me he loves me, and I know there's no one else, but he tends to get really weird around thanksgiving and christmas

Dennie Hughes:
I'm betting there's a huge family thing going on that he's not willing to talk about... please ask him directly. It sounds like you two have been together over a year, so let him know that you are totally entitled to hear the truth, and that if he intends for this relationship to have a future, he must let you in on what the deal is... after all, the holidays are supposed to be a time you spend with loved ones.Denver, CO :
My wife has basically been punishing me for 7 months. As far as I can tell, she is punishing me for things I've done and said in the past. A majority of these episodes were in direct retaliation for attacks she was conducting on me. I know I have apologized for each and every bad decision
I've made. We have 2 wonderful boys - ages 5.5 and 2.5. I know this behavior is troubling to my older son, to say the least. I've begged her for months to not confront me (yell at me) in front of the kids. 1.) How do we tell our children about this pending divorce so that is does as little damage as possible? 2.) When will my wife stop beating me up verbally and emotionally?

Dennie Hughes:
You didn't mention the divorce until the very end -- why is that? Did the abuse start when you announced the divorce, or was that always there and that's why it's happening? The other issue -- that of the children -- is very serious -- your wife needs to know that berating you in front of the kids is very damaging to them; remember, a child's idea of what a relationship should be about is formed through the first one they see -- their parents. Please remind her that the last thing she wants is to have her behavior teach your kids that calling names and being verbally abusive is an okay thing to do. My suggestion? Family counseling, as quickly as possible, for all of you so that you can work out that anger in a more positive way, as well as allow the kids a way to express their feelings.Dunkirk, New York :
HI! My name's Laurie. I am a single female, 38. I am Single, not sure if that's good or bad, and never married. I have nevr, and I mean Never had a one night stand. never believed in them and criticized my friend who did!!! But I am find a longing for such a Non-Emotional, no complications encounter!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!?
And is this Normal...?
Is it hormones? *sigh*!
What do I do!!??!?!
-Laurie

Dennie Hughes:
I've never had a one-night stand either, and don't believe that we should just randomly offer up our bodies to some stranger who's last name we don't know.... however, many of my friends are comfortable with that behavior, and I don't judge 'em: after all, I'm soooo not perfect!

Anyway, if you're looking for a little sexual diversion, please check out some videos, literature and toys made for one. This way, you get a little satisfaction without the threat of possible STDs or being stuck with a real wacko.Rice Lake, WI :
This maybe a first for you on this one. My girlfriend and I are very much in love. We will be getting married within the coming new year. The problem we will be facing is with her parents acceptance of the marriage. You see she is 19 and I am 49. Is there anything we can do to make the situation acceptable? I don't think there is a law making it mandatory to marry close to your age. We are very happy. Thank You

Dennie Hughes:
The best you can hope for is that over the years, you provide for this girl in a way that will make her parents happy; you will encourage her to continue her education, not saddle her with kids immediately, and be respectful to them. And while you didn't ask for my advice, I'm going to hit you with it anyway -- you are too old for this girl. She's just starting her life, and right now, you are in the middle of yours. Why is it that you cannot relate to women your own age? How long have you been dating -- are you taking advantage of her inexperience and the fact that you are her first love and she doesn't know anyone else? Please, before you have this girl commit to you legally -- if you truly love her, date, nuture, encourage her to greatness. If she's still willing to marry you in a few years, I'm betting her parents will have a change of heart just because you gave her that chance.Lorain, OH :
What does it mean when a woman you're dating gets mad at you when she finds you had dinner with an old friend (female)?

Dennie Hughes:
It means she's either jealous or feels betrayed (because you didn't come out and tell her ahead of time, and she either caught you or someone told her about it). Either way -- she cares, she's hurt. Fix it.meizhou :
my girl friend is in another city and we can't spend our holiday together.I fell lonely

Dennie Hughes:
Call her -- email her -- a few extra times tonight, especially if you're going to be out with your friends. Deciding to stay home? Splurge on a long distance "let's watch the ball drop on TV together" phone call.Atlanta, Georgia :
How can a 48 year old, relatively shy man, "recoginize" when a younger lady (35-40) is interested, or just being friendly?

Dennie Hughes:
Don't try to be a mind or "signal" reader -- just come right out and ask her out to something casual, like coffee or lunch. If she has a million excuses, she's letting you down easy -- if she says yes, most likely it's because she's a little curiously interested.Atlanta, GA :
My girlfriend of 2 years (she's diovorced with 2 grown children) just gave all of Christmas week to her ex husband (who just divorced 2nd wife) to resolve old issues. She says it isn't a biog deal but I was devastated. Do we go on or do I leave?

Dennie Hughes:
When you say "gave all of Christmas week to her ex husband," do you mean she spent the week with him? And what exactly did "resolve old issues" mean anyway? You need to have her sit down and give you every detail about this because right now, it sounds like she's taking you for a fool.... someone to have around to help with bills until she and her husband decide to reconnect. Bottom line: if what she says still makes you feel uneasy and upset, reconsider this relationship and think about leaving.Brea,California :
I met a wonderful man 3years ago. He was my client and became a good friend. He had to leave the company I worked for about 2 months ago. I have gotten to know him very well. I even know all about his financial status and all about his business.He plays in a band and owns his own successful business. Now that him and I aren't tied in a work relationship he wants to take me out, and I said yes. The only problem is he is 40yrs old and I am 23yrs old. I don't feel like there is a big age gap because he and I listen to the same music, we like the same movies and he makes me laugh. He has a daughter my sisters age (15) and she thinks I am " so cool" because I like to shop and do "young things". Her and I have hung out at the mall !! I also have a daughter that is 5yrs old and his daughter likes to baby-sit her and they get along. Should the age thing matter? Why or why not?

Dennie Hughes:
I say that this is a question you answer for yourself by dating and getting to know more about this man. See if you two are truly compatible, and be sure to discuss the important issues, such as your concerns about his health in 20 years, as well as the other issues regular couples talk about. While I'm not a fan of such a huge age difference when someone (you) is so young, everyone is different -- in your case, you're probably a lot more mature than most other 23 year olds, being a single mom and such (I'm already impressed that you didn't date while you two were working together and made your job a priority). Take your time -- good luck.GREENFIELD, INDIANA :
HE'S MARRIED-I'M NOT. HE LIES-I DON'T. THERE'S NO NEED FOR HIM TO LIE,I KNOW HIS FAMILY COMES FIRST AND THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM-SO WHY DOES HE FEEL THE NEED TO LIE TO ME?

Dennie Hughes:
Because he lies -- you forgive. Dump him already.Dallas, Texas :
I am in a relationship that is coming up on one year. The first few months were some of the best I have ever had in a relationship, but recently things have been changing. My girlfriend seems to be questioning our relationship and me as a proper suitor. She is constantly testing my ability to be the “movie screen” perfect husband, and when I fail a test, there is usually a fight that catches me off guard. We are both in our mid to upper twenties and her friends are all starting to get married or engaged. She appears to be pressured and makes comments like, “I don’t want to waste any more time” and “Where is this relationship going?” Yet when I ask her is she is thinking about marriage she says no, and that she isn’t ready to get married yet. The whole relationship is becoming very confusing and I feel that I am constantly having to watch everything I say and do. I would love to get back to the first few months when we were just “dating,” but I am starting to believe that it is not possible. Is there a way to salvage this relationship or am I the one who is wasting his time?

Dennie Hughes:
Every relationship is gorgeous those first few months -- that's when everything is new, and everyone is on their best behavior. Now, it's "true color" time, and it sounds like your girl is not only immature, but not for you. If I were you, I'd take a step back and evaluate the relationship for what it really is -- if it comes up lacking in fun or respect or even happiness, break it off.Oklahoma City, OK :
I am currently married to my college sweetheart. During a small break-up before I went to Grad School, I started dating another girl. My original girlfriend (now wife) and I were supposed to just be on a break, and this new girlfriend was an accident, she just kind of took me by surprise. When my original girlfriend wanted me back I had to make a tough decision. I had four years invested in one and only four months in the other. I am now married and feel like I did not get closure from the short relationship that I had. I had strong feelings for this girl and think about her very often even though this was many years ago. I feel like it causes resent at times in my marriage. The girl I dated told me that I was the most important thing that ever happened to her. I feel this is adding to the reality that I didn't play out our relationship naturally and stopped it before either one of us was ready. How do I gain closure and move on, b/c I want to be the best husband I can be and not have this weight on my shoulders?

Dennie Hughes:
Unfortunately, you should have tried to work this out before you made a commitment to your wife... what you need to decide now is what exactly does "closure" mean for you? If it's that you need to see her one more time, you should be upfront with your wife about this -- she deserves to know the truth. You may benefit from seeking counseling either from a marriage professional or a religious leader -- someone who can get you to talk out exactly what it is that you feel is missing or lacking in your life, and who can help you resolve things perhaps without some kind of face to face -- unless, of course, you're hoping the meeting will lead to something more, or an excuse to get out of your marriage...silver spring md :
i've been married for one year and all we do is fight. I never thought we would end up like this he's always out with his friends and never home with me. Je excludes me from everything fun he does, It's New years eve and he will be spending it with his freind in Atlanta and I'm home feeling rather unwanted. When i express my feelings we end up fighting. So what should I do?

Dennie Hughes:
He's spending New Year's WITHOUT you? I'm sorry, but THAT is a HUGE slap in the face, and one that should make you rethink this marriage -- incidentally, how long did you two know each other before tying the knot? Was he always overly social, or did this just start with the marriage? This does not sound like a match made in heaven -- call him up tonight and let him know that if he's not on his way back to you tonight, it's over... let's see if he cares. And if not, stick to that decision and either pack up, or get a locksmith to change the locks.Evansville, Indiana :
My husband and I have become simply friends (i.e. no longer having sex, but still getting along) after only a year of marriage. Now I wonder if I should move on in search of passion in addition to friendship. Any advice?

Dennie Hughes:
This is definitely a case for marriage counseling -- the fact that you two still care about each other means that this marriage is probably worth fighting for -- that is, if you two want to.Voorhees, NJ :
I recently exited a 10 year relationship with my college sweetheart. I feel that I expended all available effort on a relationship that just didn't work out in the end. How do I work up the confidence to start dating again? (30/M)

Dennie Hughes:
Don't think of it as "dating;" think of it as meeting new people, extending your social network, and finding new female friends. My favorite places: try volunteering (you'll meet people with big hearts and feel pretty good about yourself), join a class or activity that interests you (built-in common interest) or try a little on-line networking (my favorite: MATCH.COM -- hundreds of thousands of singles available to get to know, and you don't actually have to leave the house to meet anyone until you've written and gotten to know them online.)Minneapolis, MN :
My boyfriend and I recently ended our 6 year relationship because neither one of us has had the desire to have sex.
Not just with each other, but with anyone. Anytime I would instigate it with him or vice versa we would both claim we not in the mood. We both still are in love with each other but we can't seem to get past this problem and don't know what to do about it. What do you suggest?

Dennie Hughes:
Believe it or not, this kind of thing happens.... it's because you and your honey have kind of "evolved" with your love, past the passion stuff and into something real and solid and important..... what you need to start doing is schedule a sex night. Have a nice glass of wine... get naked in the candlelight... first objective: just make out and see what happens. Giggle if necessary. Hold each other close and just talk about a happy memory. Trust me. Sometimes having sex is like working out.... getting TO the gym (or getting naked and to the bed) is the hardest part. Good luck.Ottawa :
My inlaws want to get together with all their children and their spouses for a weekend retreat. The only problem is none of the children get along and neither do the spouses. We know how much my wife's parents would love to see everyone together, (it has been mentioned many times) but we feel that it would be a disaster and for her parents to see all the fighting and arguing would ruin their image of a family who gets along. What are your thoughts, should we have everyone get together and let the chips fall where they will, or just skip the whole affair?

Dennie Hughes:
If no one is willing to honor a peace truce for the parents, then your best bet is to not get involved in something that's going to possibly stress you out, and leave your parents with an ugly memory. If you can't beg out, then do the following: book a room at a hotel no one is staying at so that you have a place to get away; schedule for only one day and overnight just to show up and take part for the parent's sake, but don't stay any longer.detroit, michigan :
I am in love with 2 women,,, one i have been courting for 7 months the other 1 month... Once I started with the other the one of 7 months came around... What to do...???

Dennie Hughes:
As long as you're honest with both women that you are in dating mode, and neither one is your one and only, carry on -- what you're doing is called dating.DENVER, CO :
I've been engaged for 6 months. Moved to another state for him and now the egagement is off. I'm moving back to my home state. I'm feeling like a failure and at an all time low. What is the best way for me to pick myself up and move on - emotionally and financially? I've got a job in my home state, which is good. But, emotionally, I'm a wreck. Thanks.

Dennie Hughes:
It's great that you already have a job lined up -- now, rally your friends to keep you busy and to give you a shoulder to cry on as needed. Don't feel like a failure -- you gave love a chance, and that's pretty brave. You gained a learning experience -- keep it in the back of your brain for your next relationship. Good luck, sweetie.Kansas City, Kansas :
I just want to respond to your response to the man from Rice Lake, WI who is 49 and marrying a 19 year old. While your reply has some wisdom in it, I do not agree. I am a 22 year old female who is in a relationship with a 57 year old man. We have known each other for 2 years and have been very much in love although we only confessed this to each other 3 months ago. Of course, everyone thinks it is crazy but, honestly, I don't care. This man is my kindred spirit and has waited, not wanting to rush into anything or do anything foolish, for over a year and a half before telling me of his feelings. I should mention that he told me of his feelings only after I told him of mine. Now, instead of taking the easy way out (as he puts it) we are waiting to give our families time to adjust. He is not "taking advantage" of me. No one has ever respected me, or made choices with my good in mind, more. We are deeply on love and I believe some things are just destiny. Please consider that not everyone follows the same road. Look at the life of Celine Dion, who's story has some similarities to mine. She was 21 and her husband was 56 or 57, I believe, when they began their relationship and they have been happily married for many years now. Thank you for your time.

Dennie Hughes:
You have totally reiterated what I said: just as your man was smart enough to not rush into anything, this 49 year old should do the same. Just as Rene encouraged his wife to reach her potential, so should this man... getting married, however, is not something they should rush into.... and in the meantime.... I still have to wonder about the maturity level of a man who cannot relate to a woman closer to his age.... however, I totally respect your feelings, and your relationship and if you're happy... that's more than many closer-age couples can claim! Thanks for your input!Greenfield, Indiana :
O.K. Dennie, Here's the tough part - How Do You Dump Somebody?

Dennie Hughes:
I hate that word "dump" -- it should only be used if the person is equivalent to garbage!!!!
If this person is a nice person, do it kindly, but firmly, and in person, in a public place to prevent a scene -- try: "I think you're a wonderful person, but I don't think you're the person I want to be in a serious relationship with. I wanted to tell you now before things went any further..." Is the person a louse?? Call up and say, "I am breaking up with you. Don't call me." Hang up.Comment from Dennie Hughes:
Wow! Those questions came in fast and furious today!
I hope I've been helpful... please feel free to come back next week and let me know what happened, or ask another question.... I really love being able to help people put things in perspective and perhaps think about an angle they hadn't thought of....
Have a fantastic last day of 2001 -- have fun, be safe, and I hope you get to bring in the new year with someone you care about. And don't forget to visit me again next year!
In the meantime, please check out my ENGAGEMENT COLUMN at www.usaweekend.com!
Take care... God Bless.... thanks for a wonderful 2001.