Anyway, this is just a discussion about Poly in general, rather than boundaries.

I always joked that it would be a great system for me, as I could let somebody else take care of the 'physical' side of it all. But sometimes I really did begin to consider it. In some ways it would be nice because I'm not a social butterfly. I tire easily of people and crowds and it always seemed poly would give me an 'excuse' of sorts to uninvolve myself 100%. If that makes any sense? I suppose it's more a case of having less pressure and more ability to love a person. I think 'excuse' is the key here, however. It sort of makes the relationship less than it should be. It's me being lazy and running away, ultimately.But, honestly? It would crush any self confidence. I'd be jealous and insecure and sulky because that's just how I am. I take more affection than I give. I'm a leo. I can come up with excuses as long as a streak of pee.

I'd use polyamorous - polygamy usually refers to marriage, whereas polyamory is a more general term.

Dictionary.com entry for polyamory: "participation in multiple and simultaneous loving or sexual relationships"

Anyway, onwards. I'm not entirely sure what you mean by some of your post - when you mention uninvolving yourself, for example. How do you think being poly would allow you to do this? Is it because any partner(s) that you have would still have other people to be close to as well, so you don't have to be as involved with your own relationships? (I might be answering my own question here!)

Either way - one reason why I'm not monogamous (I could probably identify as poly if I really wanted to - maybe I will someday) is because I've found that I just can't limit the feelings I have for people to just one person, and I don't really have a desire to do that. I know that I can love multiple people, so being monogamous doesn't make sense to me in my own situation. I haven't seen a great reason to introduce exclusivity into any of my relationships (and of course, these people I have relationships with are well aware of this).

A deep, dark secret of mine: I get jealous. I feel insecure. I can get sulky. These are unfortunate emotions that I experience, and probably a lot of poly people out there. Although I'm ok having more than one really intimate relationship, that doesn't mean that I always feel fine about people I really care about having other really intimate relationships with other people. It's just a matter of working through these emotions - it can be a challenge, sure, but for me, it's worth it.

Kez,A mid(working)day pee, after lunch break.Outside of the sex thing, how would you feel about a relationship that involved more than two people?

Ghosts,Yeah, I'm confusing, sorry. But I suppose I'm the opposite of you. I can get big rushes of hyper friend love for so many people, but I can't dedicate myself to anybody or give them a large portion of my love or time. The thing about poly that attracted me was the idea that, as you guessed, I felt I wouldn't have to be as involved as there would be other people. I could escape my inability to give myself to somebody as I'd only have to give a small part.But, obviously, I realise this wouldn't be a real relationship, poly or not.

I just don't have a great enough surge of desire for people that would help me get into a monogamous relationship, let alone any other.

An anonymous person with a crush once described me as poly-affectionate. I like that.

I've thought for a while that my ideal relationship might be some form of polyamory. I think I'd do best in a closed relationship, or polyfidelity. That boils down to more than two people being faithful to each other, which of course could get tangly when you consider asexuality and nonsexual loving relationships, but with honesty, openness and trust I think could work out.

I was thrilled when early on in the relationship I'm in, my partner broached the subject of bringing someone else in if we found the right person, partly because of the sexual/asexual issue. The way things are going now though I think that might not end up happening. . .everything was uncertain at the start, but we both seem pretty happy with the way things are going with the two of us. I do worry about the things ghosts mentioned. I'm fine with people I love being affectionate with others, but I've started to get twisty inside at the thought of my partner being intimate with anyone else. Don't ask me where that line is, though.

spin wrote:I do worry about the things ghosts mentioned. I'm fine with people I love being affectionate with others, but I've started to get twisty inside at the thought of my partner being intimate with anyone else. Don't ask me where that line is, though.

By no means take this as me saying "this is what you should do" or "this is how you should feel" - I'm just sort of responding to what you've written.

I understand the feeling twisty inside - oh man, do I. It's a hard thing to deal with. For me, these feelings have made me question my own thoughts/feelings on relationships in general, because I've wondered if because I have those twisty feelings inside, I'm not really cut out for this poly/non-monogamy "lifestyle" (I can't think of another way to word this at the moment) - if that means I really want a monogamous relationship deep down inside.

I dunno - it obviously can get confusing. But in the end, I have some pretty strong beliefs when it comes to relationships, so I really just attempt to get over jealous feelings by talking myself through them, and fortunately it's possible to do that. Who really wants to experience jealousy anyway?

This thread and the Boundaries one is making me think of what my mum's always telling me off for. I might be a slight affection whore.... Because some of my friends are very affectionate with me. I just don't class myself or these actions as being a threat to a relationship because it's just the way I am with friends. I'd be much more reserved with a boyfriend/girlfriend XD

But the way I am with people has never made me think at all of bringing out some sort of poly relationship from people. Although recently I was told that a friends boyfriend is jealous of me... That made me feel bad. But I think it was more about the closeness in terms of the girl talking to me more and opening up. I dunno.

But a boyfriend or girlfriend hugging somebody just wouldn't make me think 'let's be poly'. It's just normal to love your friends.

I am yet to discover whether I am or not. I know I can be very insecure, so it'll have to be after a prolonged period of utter trust... but I've seen a couple in an 'open relationship' and I can see how well it can work. Who knows... I always assumed I was very monogamous, but in my One Huge Mildly Sexual Experience I found afterwards, that though I cared very deeply for the individual, I could easily deal with being just a friend again, or with another one. Perhaps it was because I wasn't in love with her, just cared for her a great deal? Maybe, maybe not...

Right, if you can make anything of that confused tangle I just pulled out of my brain, I congratulate you. In conclusion, I have no problems with polyamory, but I can see that it would take me a lot self-assurance and belief in my partner(s) to be able to do it. And I'll re-think it when I have a relationship with someone I love to speak of...

I love that!! I might have to steal that phrase. I think "mildly sexual experiences" might describe what I'm up to. . .No pressure, but I'd be thrilled if you'd elaborate. That might be a good topic for a new thread.

I mentioned being described as "poly-affectionate" to my fella, and he liked that, too. I think we're both very poly-affectionate, but sticking to the one-on-one relationship thing.

Personally, I'm open to the idea, but having had very little experience, I'm not sure. I know I can handle the idea of someone I love being sexually involved with other people, but I'm not sure how I'd take it if he (or she, but my current love interest is a he, so) were emotionally involved with someone else as well. I suppose it'd depend on how involved, as well as how involved he is with me, and how stable the relationship is, etc. In my past relationship, I noticed I never got anywhere near as jealous as my ex did, and I have had polyamorous acquaintances so I knew how that could work, so I thought to myself that maybe it wouldn't be a problem.

The thing I wonder is, can I really love more than one person at a time (in a "romantic" way, or to use a term I prefer, a limerent way)? As it stands now I have never had the opportunity to find out, because there has never been more than one person in my life with whom I would want to form a pair bond. And I also recently had a dream about making out with a really attractive woman, but it didn't work for me. I had to close my eyes and pretend it was the person I love. It's probably just because I didn't really know her that well, but it made me wonder if I am capable of falling in love with more than one person at a time, being that limerence is so monomaniacal. And even if I can't, can I maintain a pair bond with someone while falling in love with someone else?

In theory, I think I can. In practice? Who knows. It is so rare that I am attracted to anyone that way, I may never have the opportunity to find out.

I'd be open to the idea as well, but if the other two people were sexual, I could see myself getting jealous of their closeness and feeling like a third wheel. That's just me; I'm a jealous person. Anyway, it's hard enough to find one person to be in "a relationship" with, let alone two or more!

I love that!! I might have to steal that phrase. I think "mildly sexual experiences" might describe what I'm up to. . .No pressure, but I'd be thrilled if you'd elaborate. That might be a good topic for a new thread.

I made a thread on aven about it - it was a lot of kissing and closeness. The kinda 'sex' I'd want (for most of the time) were I in a relationship, I think. Certainly a life-changing moment from my point of view, but, alas, it does seem to have been a one-off, since the girl who kissed me seems to be avoiding me a little. I wouldn't have minded, but I wish she'd talk to me about it... I also seem to have felt a bit lonesome and jealous when I thought she'd gone off with someone else, so perhaps I'm not capable of poly...

If you start the thread, I'll certainly comment and elaborate enthusiastically, but I'm not sure what you meant!

Regarding the people mentioning getting jealous - yeah. As I mentioned earlier, jealousy can unfortunately happen. For me, the desire to structure my relationships like this is enough so that I want to try & get past the jealousy. I'm certainly not immune to it though.

I've had something in mind for awhile that I figured I might as well mention in this thread, and hopefully this won't sound too controversial! But I also don't really think people are "born" either monogamous or polyamorous. I don't think I was born either way, but I live in a very coupled-oriented society. Trying to break away from that isn't all that easy - it doesn't exactly come naturally to me. I've had to figure out a lot of things on my own, and I'm still figuring things out - like what exactly I'm comfortable with (for example, that boundaries thread I started earlier), how to deal with jealousy, etc. I've waffled back and forth between whether or not I really want to be doing this, if I should just date someone because I feel like it would make it easier for me in so many ways - and maybe I'd enjoy it.

Heh! Not to discourage anyone. For me, it's been worth it so far, because I'm trying to do things the way I feel they ought to be because it feels like that's what I'd ultimately be most comfortable with.

I should probably start a thread on all this at some point - it's not completely a polyamorous topic.

I don't believe people are "just born that way" when it comes to this particular question, but I don't believe either that we can all form model poly relationships if we just open our minds. People vary in what they're drawn to, what they're capable of sustaining, and what's good for them. Some people work better with a single partner, some thrive in poly situations, and some are just plain crap at relationships and do well enough single.

At least some big chunk of this can be pinned on socialisation and upbringing, but it's not all as simple as growing up with the idea that you're only supposed to have one partner. Matters like personality type, introversion and extroversion, emotional security, and trust might just as well be affected by upbringing, but on the other hand they might build on innate proclivities. As with most instances of the nature vs. nurture debate, the truth almost certainly lies somewhere in the middle.

"He cannot, however, long remain asexual when he sees the great peasant girls, as ardent as mares in heat, abandoning themselves to the arms of robust youths."--Havelock Ellis, Studies in the Psychology of Sex

Hm, I realize that might have come across as me trying to say that we can all do it if we all try hard enough (I don't know the answer to that) - or that I'm trying to get everyone to follow *my* ideal, but that was definitely not my intention. I think it'd be nice if people opened their minds a little bit to alternate ways of having relationships, but I'm not trying to get everyone to follow what I'm doing. I don't know exactly why I am the way I am, although I think a lot of it has to do with the situations I've been in. Who knows! I guess what I was really trying to say, though, is that if there's something you want to do relationship-wise, then you should go ahead and try doing it - and that if it doesn't come naturally, if it's difficult, that doesn't necessarily mean that you just can't do it because you weren't made that way or something. I hope that makes sense?

Now I have trouble differentiating the types of love. There are people I love, some differently than others, and some more than others. I find it odd, however, that while we can love many family members and many friends, we can only love one person romantically. It was somethiing I used to just accept and never think about (especially since I was certain I was incapable of even feeling such a love), but once I actually did think about it, it really didn't make sense to me.

However, the thought of equal love between all partners also didn't make sense. I'll be blunt, I do not love my friends equally, there are some I love more than others. I do, however, genuinely love them all. I do not see why it would be different in a polyamorous Relationship. It seems to make sense to me that someone involved would love their partners different amounts. So long as this is an accepted fact, I do not see why it should be a problem.

As for equal love between all partners - I'm not really sure. I can only use my own relationship experiences (my web/community thing) as an example, because it's not like I'm dating multiple people. I don't love everyone in my life equally - I don't think that's possible. But for the people that are pretty central in my life - I'm not sure if I can say that I love one more than another. It gets to a point where it's hard to tell, and all of these relationships are quite different from the other, so a lot of my feelings are also different. Perhaps I love one more than some of the others, but I can't say for sure at this point.

It's not so much that I'd get jealous of my partner(s) having other emotional attachments (though I probably would) as that I can't imagine not wanting to be close to the people I was close to, were close to. (Ok, I think I've used up my quota of the words "close to" for this post ...) I feel like I'd feel like I was missing out on some vital part of their personality.

I also feel like I'd probably have to be one of the initial members in the relationship ... I don't know that I have the confidence to break into a relationship that's already established, even supposing an invitation were extended ... and the envy of the time they spent together before they knew me / anger at myself for feeling envy would be difficult.

So far, it's rather a moot point, as I seem to be serially monogamous in my serious crushes and have yet to be involved in a relationship of any romantic sort. But in my head, it seems to make sense ...

That's a good point cyan, it's not just about the jealousy issue. I think I'd be (more) okay with my partner being sexually intimate with someone else who I was also intimate with, but I would need for it to be a relationship.

I've been in the odd position of being something of an unofficial platonic third wheel to a few couples (cuddling and emotional intimacy), and. . .yeah, it's weird. I could see it working if I were a recognized part of the relationship, but I think you're right that it would be simpler to be one of the initial members.

ghosts wrote: But I also don't really think people are "born" either monogamous or polyamorous.

Amusing almost entirely unrelated bit of trivia: there are two types of voles-- prairie voles and mountain voles. One is monogamous. The other is polygamous. The difference is 1 gene. Flipping that 1 gene switches the orientation of the vole.

What implications does this have for people? None at all whatsoever. But I was picturing anthropomorphic vole communities and their various vole systems of civil law... and I was amused.

Tangenting a bit here but Fox's post brings up an interesting thought on co-habitation.

Society seems to dictate that the only permissable co-habitations are parent-child, college roommates, and romantic partners. It further stipulates that the only time it is permissible to co-habitate with friends is to save money in college, and that the only time it is permissible for romanitc partners to not co-habitate is in early dating or when forces beyond their control make it impossible, and even then it is expected that they work towards being able to co-habitate.

What I question is why can't friends co-habitate, and why can't romantic partners live seperately be design?

During my years in college, I lived with a number of people. Only one was a problem-roommate, the others were pretty cool. My last roommate was quite honestly the best, and I would have continued to live with him if I hadn't failed out. Interesting thing about that one, considering what has been said elsewhere on this forum conserning personality types and relationships. I am an asexual INTJ, my roommate was a bisexual ENPH. We joked that we were a sitcom, but truth be told, our co-habitation worked increadably well, despite our near opposite personalities. Even if it weren't for financial reasons, I wouldn't mind living in the same dwelling as him.

As for the non-cohabitating romantic aspect, I cannot speak from experience here. However, I can theorise. I would say for most, co-habitation is probably desired, and perhaps what is best, especially for the very physically affectionate (sexual or not). However, if a romantic couple are happy living apart, then I see no reason why they shouldn't. Heck, in todays world of instant communication, they could easily stay in touch with each other while seperated. Perhaps it could be compared to a long distance relationship, but who's to say there aren't people out there who that would work best for?

Tieing that back in to original subject, perhaps in a polyamorous relationship, perhaps especially in an open one, not co-habitating would be best. Just a simple example of three, perahps A loves B, B loves C, but A and C just don;t hit it off that way. In this case it may be best they all live apart, because then A and B can do their thing togther, so can B and C, and perhaps all three can hang out casually. Or perhaps it may even be best even in a perfect little love trangle. Odds are there are differences in personality, likes, and preferences. Perhaps A is a bit adventureous and C is a bit meek, and B is just cool with whatever. When when A dn B are together, they can be all adventureous, and when B and C are together, they can be all not-so-adventureous, and when A and C are together, they can stick in their middle gound or do whatever else they like to do. And then all three can still hang out as well.

I found some very exciting research on asexuality and polyamory being presented at a conference in Italy this summer. Read about it here.

In their abstract, Kristin Scherrer and Alexandra Atkins wrote:Non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships are often conceptualized in the context of sex and sexual intimacy. Yet, as in other forms of relationships, sexual intimacy is only one facet of polyamorous and non-monogamous relationships. Asexuality, a relatively new sexual identity based on a lack of sexual attraction, presents an interesting way to explore polyamorous and non-monogamous relationships in the absence of sexual intimacy. In this presentation, we describe findings from survey results with 102 self-identified asexual individuals. Participants were recruited from asexuality.org, a main internet networking website for asexual identified individuals. The internet based survey asked open ended questions about a variety of topics including demographics, asexual identity, and relationships. Findings indicate that individuals who identify as asexual are likely to describe an interest in monogamous dyadic relationships. While this supports hegemonic paradigms of culturally sanctioned relationship structures, a subsection of this sample describes its ideal romantic or relational interests as polyamorous or non-monogamous. These non-monogamous asexual individuals represent a form of polyamorous relationship that is as of yet unexplored in academic literature. Findings also describe alternative nonsexual conceptualizations of relationships that blur the distinction between monogamous and polyamorous relationships. This research illuminates the complications of categorizing relationships as monogamous or polyamorous indicating that new language is needed to appropriately describe the wide array of relationships humans form outside of this binary.

Ooh, that is interesting, spin. I think I'm one of those non-monogamous people that Kristen talked to, heh.

queerunity wrote:Are there any self-proclaimed polyamorous asexuals here? That would be a whole new thing for me and that would be funky.

I'm not a self-proclaimed polyamorous asexual, although I suppose I could call myself that if I really wanted to. There's various reasons why I haven't, but when it comes down to it, I'm non-monogamous, so close enough, I guess? At this point in time, I'm not interested in being in a monogamous, exclusive relationship.