Before you can get started reading this article, I’m going to need you to agree to my terms of service. Merely a few stipulations about what you may and may not think about my writing and the consequences of not following said guidelines.

Any of my writing may be changed at anytime to correct factual, grammatical, or any other unforeseen errors. From this point on I shall be known as “Writer” and you shall be known as “Reader.” Capitalization of both writer and reader will have no impact on the legality of the clause which it is currently describing. Misuses of “said writer” and “if in fact” also bare no change to the meaning of the occupied sentence and should be manually corrected by the reader if in fact it does happen.

The reader’s personal thoughts about this and other future writings may remain the reader’s own if, and only if, the reader has first made every effort to avoid putting too much thought into the previously mentioned thoughts. Thoughts spoken out loud, yet heard by no one do not fall in the same category, they no longer remain the reader’s own and are in fact the same as if someone had heard. If after, and only after, reading this entire agreement the reader decides to tweet, post, status update, tumble, or discuss the writer’s writing, those interactions must include full context of the written article. Should the reader discuss the written article in full context and receive feedback from the other person in any form previously mentioned or unmentioned, please be prepared to submit a formal request of approval to respond further. Certified mail requests only please.

Please do not proceed without first verifying with a witness that any agreements made up until this point have been clearly understood and agreed upon.

There are certain obligations that must be fulfilled in order to feel safe in releasing a piece of writing into today’s current [Internet] climate. The writer would ask that you consider the following questions before requesting a sample or full work of writing.

Will the writing appear online? Will the writing have a place for reader comments at the end? Will those comments be moderated in what can only be described as censorship? If yes to the first two questions, but no to the third, the likelyhood of cooperation from the write is very low.

Does the website regularly get scraped for content? Is that content then republished on other websites with comments? Are those comments moderated by strict, censorship like, authority? If yes to the first two questions, but no to the third, it is again unlikely to gain cooperation from the writer.

Is payment something determined by counting words, periods, spaces, and font characteristics? Is the word ‘payment’ a foreign word to the publication? If yes to those two questions, the writer will be unwilling to cooperate. Beyond American legal tender as payment, an unsolicited tip in the form of Twitter followers, in accordance with Twitter’s own TOS, may be offered by the publication to increase likelihood of cooperation. Twitter followers used as extra payment must also adhere to this contractual agreement. Primarily the “lavish praise” line.

Thoughts that are ruthlessly mean, seemingly snarky, or perceived indifferent must be kept to the reader, but may remain the reader’s own. The reader’s own thoughts on the writer’s written work may not be sold, re-printed, or typed out for any reason. Any proceeds from the private thoughts about the writer’s written work will be multiplied by a number and then collected as damages. Damages resulting in less than an ideal settlement payment will be re-calculated in accordance with any law supporting said actions.

Finally, reading pass this line qualifies as consent to the aforementioned TOS. Failure to comply with any and all the requests made will result in full legal action. The writer can not stress how much legal action will be taken because it will all be taken. Every last drop. Furthermore, mocking of any type will result in this document being printed off and pointed at in a court of law where the reader will then be shown to have broken the writer’s agreement as set forth by your eyes when you read past that one line a few lines back. Seriously though, be cool, don’t make the writer inact the full force of potential legal actions.

The writer sincerely hopes you enjoy the writer’s written work, not letting the legal responsibility of providing a self covering terms of service agreement get in the way. Thanks.