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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Birthday Blues

Hello hello darlings.
I know I haven't been writing as much as I had hoped for, but things are quite hard to do, when literally every weekend this month I'm in a different place, and the weekends are usually when I have the time to dedicate to writing.
I wanna say that a lot has changed since the very beginning of this brand new year 2013, but in all honesty, and I try to be as honest as I can on here, nothing has changed.
What has happened since to make me think that something should have changed? The dear guy I liked just before this current one and I have gotten fairly close as friends, at which point he realized he might know the guy I like. I don't want him to know, but he's been insistent on finding out who the guy is, quite the curious case if you ask me. He's been trying to find out through a friend, and I don't know if I should tell him. He could really be hurt by me not trusting him with this and I do care about him, and about our quite fresh-out-of-the-oven, newborn of a friendship. Plus he could maybe help seeing as they are aquatinted, and share quite a few friends. On the other hand it could be a complete disaster to tell him. He could make it super awkward and even tell him, which could just make me want to dig a hole in the ground and lie in it forever more. So what do you do when you really want to give your trust to a person, but are terrified, and have quite a lot to lose? What would you do?
The first weekend I saw a thing I planned for quite some time, quite the event, play before my eyes. I think it was rather successful, but who's to tell? Mr. Guy was there, it was on Saturday. The Friday just beforehand there was a big party I didn't attend, because it's at a club I generally despise. He then asked me "you weren't there were you?" I replied, but it bothered me to know if he had honestly cared whether I was there or not, or was it another reason that he had asked this for. He asked me to sit next to him, and we had a little talk. It was nice.This weekend, this past one, we went on a little overnight stay with that same group of friends that we went on the trip with just a month ago (him included). We sure had a good time. Not just because of him, not at all, but the entire population of people, with some new ones that weren't there last time, was just good company. We played some childhood games during which I fell because who am I without a few bruises? I don't know if it is because he's a genuinely good person or if it's 'cause he cares about me a smidge more than he cares about other people, but those two times I fell on my dear trusty booty he came running to me, hugged me from the back, placed his head on my shoulder and whispered "are you alright?" into my ear. Those moments when my heart literally melts, and can be later seen leaving red blood stain on the floor. No, it wasn't the fall, or my aching bum, nor were they the scratches that were left from the stones I glided on. It was he who made those stains. Yeah... I don't know why I wrote it aloud. I probably shouldn't have. I kinda gross myself out sometimes lately. Anywho... The highlight of his odd yet fuzz making behavior was when he touched my neck as if to massage it, and I told him "stop, I get chills when someone touches my neck", to which he then replied "so what happens if someone kisses your neck?" HELLLO THERE MR. SEXY PANTS. Yet again grossing myself out. I don't know if he meant it, because... Maybe it was just a random comment. It happens to strange people like him. But maybe just maybe he wants me to get chills because of him, and that is the reason he hasn't actually stopped touching my neck even after I told him that? The morning after that we went to an ice-skating rink. Despite the fact that it was freezing, it was so much fun! I missed skating. I haven't skated in about 3 and a half years, and I absolutely love it. It feels like it's my place; an ice rink for the ice queen... Kidding. He kept coming and holding my hand on the ice or appearing out of nowhere behind me, and hugging me, which almost made me piss myself of fear, but I came out alright, maybe a little more than alright.
And then yesterday we went out a group of friends. Most of them were drinking, 'cause that's what teenagers do these days. I didn't though. I don't find pleasure in gulping something that tastes like this kiss of death and acetone, and acting stupid after it. He was there, and he was drinking beer. Legitimate. He really wanted me to drink making me think it over too hard, and think he might want me to loosen up a little, but that's probably a big fat lie to myself. He was standing next to me and then asked where two girls disappeared to, and I don't know why, but I replied to that flirtatiously (why then? stupid!). He then smiled at me sweetly and stroked my cheek for no reason. Good thing my heart beats don't have a microphone attached to them, because he would have easily figure out I just want him sooo bad. I just wish I knew what he was thinking. I just don't know what he's thinking.This weekend I'm going to see the college I will be attending next year. Hopeful that it's what I had imagined it being. There are amazing reviews about the program I'm going into (this leadership program), which makes me excited. It's a bit different to what all my friends are going to do, but it's interesting and it sounds a lot like me. I would love to be some kind of leader, even if around the people I'm surrounded with. A good one.
Other than that this month of January is always hard on me. It's my birthday month and with it come the "Birthday Blues". The kind of blues that settle down when you realize there is so much more you wanted to accomplish before you got to this age, but nothing has changed since last year. Last year I said to myself I gotta have a boyfriend before I'm 18, and look at it- 18 and still in the running. It's that kind of not shocking, very expected self criticism. Why couldn't you do better? Why are you still where you were this time a year ago? I surely will get out of it soon, and start loving my life all over again, because I have quite the loveliest life. I have a lot to thank God, my family, my friends, and this world for. I have the best of people around me, loving me. I have a roof over my head, and a fresh cooked meal everyday. And all those little things we usually never thank anyone for like... The ability to write down all this crap. I hope to be writing down some more fashionable things in the near future along with some news of the things I keep wanting to accomplish.
I love you all! Hope you have a great beginning to your year, and that you remember we all have so much to be happy for. <3 Roni J.