The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Feared in the Media, Ignored In Real Life

"We should be able to follow the same rules a motorcycle, as a car, because we're still on wheels. So I do believe in cracking down on that," said one bicyclist.

Oh, shut up, narc.

Then there was this one:

"I think it's a really dangerous city for bicyclists. I wonder what the numbers are at the emergency room every day. When I'm driving I almost hit one almost all the time because you can't see them," said one city driver.

Obviously you are legally blind, not to mention legally stupid, and therefore should not be allowed to drive. You've got to love a society in which people feel perfectly comfortable admitting to television reporters that they nearly kill someone every time they get behind the wheel of a car--though his vision's so bad he probably thought the microphone was a Taco Bell A.M. Crunchwrap®. By the way, here is what he looks like:

("Vision Zero. Literally. I can't see shit.")

If you see this man, I recommend forcing him to stop, taking his car keys, and throwing them down a storm drain.

What's most frustrating about this "crackdown" is that the NYPD claim to be ticketing cyclists in order to protect them, yet if the state would simply revoke this one guy's license it would probably save more lives than a thousand ticket blitzes.

No, that said blitz, Mr. Magoo.

Someone better put a boot on this guy's Buick, and fast.

My favorite though is when New Yorkers complain about the threat cyclists pose to pedestrians, and between newspaper editorials and Internet comments you'd think that it was cyclists and not drivers killing hundreds of people a year. This isn't to condone the sort of reckless cycling that threatens pedestrians, and if I said I'm not occasionally tempted to kick the front wheel out from some crosswalk-bombing douchebag I'd be lying. Still, let's get serious here: if cyclists were the terrors some people make them out to be, would our bike lanes look like this?

I took the following photos yesterday from a Citi Bike along the "protected" bike lane on 8th Avenue, and as you can see, the expressions on these peoples' faces as they stroll right down the middle of it are of abject terror:

Clearly he is deeply frightened of the two-wheeled menace heading straight towards him, because he does everything short of say "Fuck you, just go around me, asshole:"

Next up was this guy, whose beleaguered posture says, "Yeah, I'm in the bike lane. This hand truck has wheels too, you got a problem with that?"

This bike lane interloper doesn't exactly look like she's staring death in the face, either. Rather, it looks like she's composing a "Craigslist Missed Connection:"

8th Avenue Citi Biker

You: Middle-aged balding man on a Citi Bike sweating through your t-shirt. Me: Brunette in a blue dress sashaying beneath the awning of the combination Nathan's/Subway/Church's Fried Chicken.Care to meet up for a World Famous Beef Hot Dog, or a Flatizza™, or a Double Chicken N Cheese Sandwich, followed by a relaxed evening of bike lane foot-salmoning as fast food oil seeps from our pores and our skin glistens beneath the lights of Times Square?If so, describe the exact location of your sweat rings so I know it was you.

Yeah, I don't know what Delia Ephron was talking about, because New York City's bike infrastructure has "rom-com" written all over it. It's a veritable lovers' lane:

Delia Ephron would have you believe that the unsightly hue of my Citi Bike would drive them apart, but if anything my presence only strengthened not just their love, but also their resolve to walk two abreast directly in my path.

Alas, try as I might I could not intimidate anybody. For example, I thought Captain Combover would never move over:

Until he spotted the "Spring Sale Event" sign in the window of the manssiere store:

She wasn't scared either, and if anything was probably hoping I was Bill Cunningham:

("If I look totally aloof maybe I'll wind up in the Style section.")

Whereas this woman was so flagrantly unconcerned about all those "killer cyclists" that she was perfectly comfortable to not only walk in the middle of the bike lane, but also to rummage in her handbag while doing so:

Either that, or she was sniffing her armpit:

Ah yes, found the deodorant:

By the way, none of this is to begrudge pedestrians their lebenstraum. We are animals after all, and as such we should be permitted to roam, like free range chickens. I merely point this out because: 1) It's fun to take pictures of strangers; and 2) It totally undermines the false premise that cyclists are a problem in New York City. If anything, we're treated like guests in our own home, and unwanted ones at that. Here's a typical intersection scenario:

So I swing around the turning cab driver:

("Circumventing Turning Cab Driver Triptych" by Wildcat Rock Machine)

Needless to say this involves leaving the protected bike lane, which is not so much "protected" as it is "a trap," at which point another cab leapfrogs me:

And discharges its passenger right in the crosswalk:

I shot the above photo as I passed, and as I re-entered the "bike" lane (in practice they should be called "miscellaneous lanes") I immediately confronted a bike salmon and a stout pedestrian. I attempted to photograph them both as I weaved between them, but all I got was the cockpit of the Citi Bike:

As well as this failed over-the-shoulder shot:

Then, eerily, the bike lane was preternaturally empty in a way that chilled me from balding pate to scranus:

("I don't like it. It's quiet. Too quiet.")

And that's when Salmoning Skateboard Guy appeared, talking on his cellphone and wearing what appeared to be a bag around his throat. Here he is continuing his conversation after stumbling off of his board:

I'm still puzzling over that bag portaging method. It seems like a really good way to snag a side mirror and get garotted.

Anyway, eventually I docked the bike and continued by foot to my final destination, which was Toga Bike Shop, where I got a new bike. Unfortunately it's not for me, though I was tempted to hit the dirt jumps with it when the train stopped by Highbridge Park:

I don't know why I wanted a folding bike. A BMX bike is so obviously the move for train travel.

Lastly, I'd like to extend to commenter Leroy my most sincerest well-wishings after his recent "dooring" (as in he got doored, not as in he doored somebody else):

leroy said...Got doored on Second Avenue on the way home tonight.Good thing I was riding a Citibike and not my own bike.Even better luck: I cushioned the impact with my face.Driver couldn't have been more apologetic. She's a cyclist.Funny thing: I was wearing only a BSNYC safety hair net cap and yet somehow lived to tell the tale.One downside: My dog won't stop the "missed connection" and "Dear Penthouse -- I never thought this could happen to me" jokes.He's just grumpy because I told him he can be replaced now that our vision zero mayor has lifted the city ban on pet ferrets.May 28, 2014 at 9:48 PM

Isn't it funny that a driver will go out of her way to say she's a cyclist, yet if you're on your bike and you tell a driver that you're also a driver they never seem to give a crap?

Anyway, I'm glad he seems to be OK. I'm also not going to say a BSNYC hat will protect you from evil and endow you with the gift of immortality or anything like that.

I'm surprised they're not terrified by the camera-wielding one named cyclist in the bike path. I have to say, your photos are looking better, though. Those weighty Citibikes must provide a stable platform to shoot from.

Here in the shadow of the dome of failed democracy the bike lanes (or tracks) are generally free of pedestrians, except at the intersections - they shoal out into the cross walks waiting for the light, itching to get a head start. They don't like it when told to get the fuck out of the bike lane. Go figure.

youcancallme all and anon 1:33PM, because it is New York Fucking city and it is the most awesome city in the world, other than that I'm not sure why we choose to live here. I'm sure Dickhole South Dakota or wherever you rubes are from is much better.

This morning, Early Edition listeners on the CBC were complaining about cyclists and how dangerous we are to pedestrians!

Many of them were saying that we never stop for pedestrians, and that is such a load of shit! Sooo many times I slow for a pedestrian, and then wave them through the intersection, and still - time and time again, they stand there stupidly, like a deer caught in the headlights.

But that sure beats the rest of those dumbassed peds who just meander out into the road without so much as a glance to see if it might be clear.

Also, to answer your question seriously, you can do a bike race without having to drive, be home for breakfast, and then take your kids to do any number of incredible things while spending little more than subway fare.

I like NYC, I really do. Been there all of six times now and only five of those were for work. In every case, I had a great time and ate really well. I particularly appreciate the availability of all night delis.

But at the end of each trip, I also felt glad to be leaving for a place where the sidewalks are not so crowded that you feel more comfortable walking in the bike lane. The downside is I'm more likely to get run down by some cowboy in an F150, so all places have their downsides I guess.

Finally getting a break of free time on Monday, I stupidly attempted a ride from my estate in Brooklyn, up the westside path, and onwards. I was doing unFredly speeds in the westside parks because of all the unfortunate folks who have behaved too wantonly to own a place in either of the Forks, still I was assaulted by unruly teens who sprayed water (I hope) on me from a pistol, dudes in shirts who refused to deviate from the path, a police in the park that pulled out just in front of me and another Fredly fellow, causing us to break hard, then proceeded to advance at about 2 mph, blocking the path, and on and on. On the way back down, on Riverside, the police were indeed out blintzing tickets...several cop cars interestingly gawking at me and one unfortunate couple being ticketed, although the blintz lovers would not deign to leave their a/c'd vehicle and instead issued the summons from inside the car.

""We should be able to follow the same rules a motorcycle, as a car, because we're still on wheels. So I do believe in cracking down on that," said one bicyclist." Ugh, friggin Uncle Tom cyclists, can't be doing with them.

Don't be a hater. I'm an Upstater not particularly thrilled with the NYC/Long Island area. You can have all the traffic, etc. More power to ya. Those of us who live in less densely populated areas love it just as much as you love NYC. Perspective.

I got the summonons-through-the -window-crack in 1991 for blowing a redlight in manhattan (bit of a hurry...driving my mom to meet my wife's parents for the first time)(2 months before wedding)

I waited & waited in my car...didn't want the cop to yell at me...then I walked to his a/c'd car, stood in the 100 degree heat & got a whiff of a/c when he opened the window a crack to pass me the ticket..i was so mad, but nothing could be done

I hereby lay claim to the term "I-Pod Zombie". In the year of our Lob 2014 on such 29th day of May, during a very slightly up market (DJIA up 22pts), I am saying that idiots strolling around viewing, listening to, or otherwise connected to their portable electronic devices are I-Pod Zombies. And as such are entitled to no consideration under "the law" when "runned ova".

...snobs, i was in your backyard just this morning... i rode my fixie folder to get around your hills... though i don't have any photos to prove it, but i did do the pee-pee in the park... just to mark it for good times' sake.

You have described my experience on the 8th Avenue bike lane every single time, except that you missed the cop who likes to park in the path at 43rd Street during rush hour. As for the pedestrians -- well, the only thing more frustrating on 8th Avenue than trying to bike in the bike lane is trying to walk on the sidewalk and get anywhere.

I wrote a while ago about this whole "if cyclists are so terrifying how come the pedestrians aren't in the car lanes" thing: http://invisiblevisibleman.blogspot.com/2012/11/my-ride-to-work-and-why-cars-resemble.html My concern isn't so much that reporters and so on are spouting nonsense about it. My worry is that the police often seem to act as if they thought cyclists were the real menace. The fools that you photographed on 8th Avenue appear to have a better grasp of road safety risks than some senior members of the NYPD's traffic squad. That really is alarming.

I must agree NYC is more interesting than here. For instance, the highlight of my day has been to stop and watch a snapping turtle lumber across the road. I was going to grab it and drag it to the side of the highway but the MF decided to turn around and bite me, it missed, I'm wise to that you see, but I decided not to tempt fate and left it alone. Now it's raining, and there is no bus.

Snob, those pictures seem so well composed, it's as if you wore your riding glasses over your helment straps while composing them (because I know you'd schlep a helment around to ride a Citibike). You do realize all those peds and vehicles in the bike lane are NYPD plants to force you out of the bike lane so they can ticket you, right? Why yes, I did get the limited edition tinfoil version of the BSNYC Waltz cap. Why do you ask?

Seriously disappointed to read through 51 comments and no McFly comment on missed connection girl ... refresh ... whoop, there it is.

Meanwhile... here in Boston, during today's morning commute of indignity, I was shoaled by a guy riding one of those elliptical bikes (which I had previously thought only existed within the confines of this blog's scorn). Now, I've been shoaled by all manner of wheeled contraptions mopeds, longboards, unicycles, roller-bladers, even segways, but as this middle-aged, spandexed, pony-tailed man sashayed up in front of me, I really began to question whether or not all this bike infrastructure was worth it.

sadly, I do not have a photo to share as I was in both great shock and dismay. I will definitely capture this if I see it again.

How can you ride ANYWHERE up there with all the lemmings in the bike lane?! Id be tempted to fabricate a small bike-sized snow plow for pedestrian removal! Id at the least have to attach an air horn to my handlebars and probably do a lot of yelling. "Cuss cuss CUSSSS!! I HATE PEDESTRIANS!!!!! Gitcher stridin' butts OFF THE ROAD!!!!!! Shoulda put-eem in a DE-YITCH!" (Or gutter or whatever the fuck...)

All this petulant defence of their city by New Yorkers is a sign of insecurity. Everyone knows The United States of America is in a state of steady and irreversible decline.

And as that nation's preeminent city, NY is leading the lemming-like charge into the seething pit of ruination.

For people who live in what they claim to be the greatest city in the world, it's odd they should sing the praises of being able to get anything delivered to your door. What's the point of living in the "greatest city in the world" if you never step out your door and actually experience the city?

Further evidence of the maladroitness of the city's residents is the pathetic, sickly, whiney complaints of pedestrians transgressing on their decrepit bike paths.

What wretched wimps!

Fill your bidons with pepper spray and spritz those fuckers in the face!

America: once a land of great promise and greater cities, now a desolate field of despair punctuated by a series of festering shitholes.

anon 4:44 apparently saw me on a bike once and decided that because I am in a state of steady and irreversible decline, the country is too. O contraire (isn't that the Canadian national anthem?), anon. What used to be a festering shithole is now a festering shithole with protected bike lanes. And more all the time. Come visit!

Anons and their anti-New Yawk brethren,I'm talking choices. An embarrassment of riches/type choices. And not just choices, but the choicest of choicest choices. For example, the sports bar I'm at now...fourteen large hi def screens. 36 beers on tap. Just sayin.

For people who live in what they claim to be the greatest city in the world, it's odd they should sing the praises of being able to get anything delivered to your door. What's the point of living in the "greatest city in the world" if you never step out your door and actually experience the city?

Uh, when people say you can get anything delivered they're talking about drugs. You take the drugs then go out and experience the city.

Leroy, I too suffered from a serious middle finger injury some time ago... don't ask... but anyway, my physiotherapist told me to follow a special exercise program as part of my rehabilitation. It's called Doucheclamation Remediation. Pay particular attention to following the exercises through their full range of motion, bro.

ce, didn't mention the upstairs lounge with same amenities. The bar across the street, the bar around the corner, the strip joint next door...I could go on. But lonesome ? Sure, at times. And good, interesting company most of the time.

"Driver couldn't have been more apologetic. She's a cyclist." She couldn't be a "real" cyclist, because a "real" cyclist would never drive a car. Why because a "real" cyclist is never at fault, and motorists are always at fault. It just doesn't work.

Dooth, I just re-read your earlier comment, are you saying 36 different beers? Do they make 36 different beers? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for variety, I enjoy VB from the tap, from the can, stubby or long neck.

I can't believe how hot all the women are in Babble's neck of the woods. I'm talking like, really fit and good diet hot, not the creepy fake tan 'n' boob job hot that you get in LA. There seems to be no lard bucket types on Robson St. Everyone out on the sidewalk just looks so fit and hot. No wonder when people think of Canada the beaver comes to mind.

Vancouver is the Hollywood of Canada. Really. All the hot Canadian chicks move there to chase their dreams of being the next Pam Anderson, before they end up at Orange Number 9.

Secondly, Vancouver is one of the best, if not the best, "REAL CITIES" (debatable) to live in for proximity to awesome outdoorsy activities, ie. Whistler. So people that are into kayaking, climbing, skiing, bike riding, hiking move there.

Vancouver women have terrible taste in music and fashion. They like there white pants that you can see their brightly colored whale tails through. NOT HOT.

It's totally true, though. Vancouver is the third worst-dressed city in the world, and not only cause some of us like our white jeans (can't see my knickers through them at least)either. It's the yoga pants, apparently. This is the home of LuluLemon, don'tcha know. And it's because of MEC, too. They just have the best quality camping and sporting goods at the best prices, see, and so everyone who plans to ride through winter heads there and suits up. But it's not high fashion, is it?

Still, it's true. A lot of folks live healthy, active lifestyles here - the whole "liveable city" thing is spot on, though a bikecentric lifestyle is achievable anywhere. I started in the Rockies, and then year round in Edmonton and that was totally do-able, too.

It's like happiness, living the bikelife. It's a personal decision with far-reaching implications. Be like Nike and Just Do It.

Anon 4:44, I don't know what the story with Mr Parsons is, I guess as the guy that wrote "The Pub With No Beer " he can sing however he darn well pleases. But rest assured, this shit is generally taken very seriously, even our top scientists are on the case.

I would suggest performers are simply modelling a style of country music they developed a love for while growing up, exposed to a scene dominated by American recordings (I'm not saying I can actually comprehend falling in love with C&W - like quantum mechanics, the math just says it is how it is). Also, when touring the pubs of Australia there would be demand for them to cover popular songs that happen to be American and it would probably be easier to make the song sound right for the audience with the original twang, so they stick with that. As they get more ambitious I imagine the American accent would help them infiltrate the far larger American market.

Or perhaps we are just an insecure, culturally insignificant backwater seeking validation from our big bro America any way we can (by the way, I love you Snobbo, do you love me?).

That's what you call a Missed Connection? Obviously you're not hip enough to properly compose one, it should have read something like: "Your Citibike was blue, same as my Monica Lewinski dress... let's lube your chain and squeeze my rim." It's all about the innuendo. AMATEUR!!!

The pigeon-toed lass....walking along side the armpit sniffer. I used to high-school with a girl that had that same lower unit configuration. It's like Mother Lob started with a robust and plump boo-tay and then built everything else around it as kind of an afterthought.

Snobby - this is why I don't use the 8th Avenue bike lane anymore, not to mention the absolute shit-storm that goes on in front of the Port Authority in the morning. I would rather forgo the "safety" of the protected lane and go bare-back up 10th Avenue. BTW - it was recently paved so for the next two weeks or so, it should be the smoothest patch of asphalt in the city.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!