2013

Tallulah watches ‘The Millionaire Matchmaker’

Standard

Name that movie.

Patti Stanger seeks out women for millionaires to date. Doesn’t that sound weird? How hard could it be for rich men to find someone to date? Supposedly, her clients are seeking THE ONE or some advice on how to date smarter so they can attract and recognize the one. The one is the creature who is brilliant, sexy, grounded, charming, enticing. You know, perfect.

Patti doesn’t deal with strippers and golddiggers; her pool of dating strives for the smart and beautiful. Tonight’s millionaires are Brendan and Robby. Brendan flies in from his home in New Jersey to LA to meet with Patti. He wants a woman with life goals that go beyond being a wife & mother and his ideal woman is Elisha Cuthbert.

Next is Robby, the Roller Rapper. Robby’s money comes from building sports complexes in Florida. At first glance he looks like a goofy surfer pothead. Then, he shares that he rollerskated across the country to raise money for St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital.

Patti meets Robby at his house which is decorated in post-undergraduate, circa 1992. She is very displeased and tells him that he’s 39 & he needs to grow up. Patti is a stern mama matchmaker!

Robby feels that his living space has ‘spirits’ and works for him. Robby is not the first millionaire on the show who isn’t into having a show palace. I get the distinct feeling that their housing choices are a firewall to repel any woman who is looking for a sugar lay and/or daddy. Robby doesn’t look like he’s into Patti’s advice.

Oh goody…Patti is returning to Harold, the 40something millionaire from the first episode who selected a twentysomething to date. This is a sample of their date conversation:

Woman: What kind of movies do you like?

Harold: The English Patient

Woman: I liked Napoleon Dynamite.

Harold: What’s that?

Incompatible, right? Not to Harold. He chose to ignore that big flag and asked her out for a second date. (She blew him off.) I don’t blame him because she was cute but I do blame him for being daft. In his mind this was his perfect mate, a woman who is 20 years younger than him.

Patti does a house call to see if he’s had a reality check and wants to date women closer to his age range. She’s asking him to not get hung up on age and ‘look at the package.’ I’m not convinced he’s convinced.

Now, Robby and Brendan are getting the Patti first date prep talk. She covers the basics: pull out the chair, don’t talk about politics and religion, be gentlemen. Robby feels like she’s treating him like a child and Patti in her post chat interview says hey he’s 39, single and hasn’t had a girlfriend in 11 years. I feel he needs this information.

Because Patti isn’t friends with these men, she doesn’t have to lie to them EVER: You will never hear her say, It’s not you man, she’s the problem. You’re too good for her. She frank and I find it refreshing.

A Pattism: If a guy waits for a week or the four day rule like in Swingers to call, girls who have spine or brains move on. The ones who wait around are doormats.

Brendan’s date is with Charlene who isn’t his type — she’s more Jessica Alba than Elisha Cuthbert. There was zero chemistry and now, he wants his blonde. (Doesn’t everyone?)

Robby’s date is a success. He asked out for a second date before the first date ends. I love when that happens on a date even if guy turns out to be the kind of person who sees you as a sex toy rather than a human being.

Brendan’s first date with his second choice Caroline goes much better. He asks her out again before the end of the second date too! This puts a big smile on Patti’s face. Being the matchmaker, she’s still giving tips about communication and flowers. This would annoy the hell out of me but Brendan doesn’t seem to mind. I don’t know what famous person he looks like.

Patti follows up with Robby about his second date and Robby fires her. I guess because he’s a free spirit and all her rules were bringing hm down. But 10 seconds later, the epilogue states that he’s dating someone else from the her service.

The men who appear on the show receive their counseling for free and I have no idea what Patti charges her clients or how successful she is at her job. I watch for the tune out after a crazy day dealing with morons. But now, that I’ve watched a few episodes, I have to admit I’ve learned a few things about men and how they approach the dating game. Lately, I’m sensing that rich, poor, handsome and ugly men believe that a minimum of effort is required to entice a woman to spend time with them. They are mastering the art of lo fi dating, which involves meeting at Starbucks for a latte and then going back to his apartment to watch Entourage.

And the sucky part? There are women who gladly say yes to that kind of lackadaisical socializing! Which makes men think hey, I can do this with every woman I meet and it will work out fine and if it doesn’t, I’ll keep looking for the one who doesn’t mind and hook up with her.

But in some weird cosmic way, Patti Stanger’s hardcore dating advice for men to value women lets us know that we don’t have to settle for watching television and foamy burnt tasting coffee.