Here’s The First Sneak Peak Of The New TMNT Movie AKA Michael Bay Putting A Dagger Into The Heart Of Your Childhood

Well there you have it. Say goodbye to the memories, dudes. Instead of one of the staple catchphrases while growing up “Cowabunga” might as well be the STD Splinter contracted during a sewer rat orgy involving the Ooze as a lubricant. When I think of teenage turtles who mutated into human-sized crime fighters while being trained in martial arts by a Sense rat who also is large and speaks English perfectly, I want it to be realistic as possible. Not anymore thanks to Michael Boom Goes The Dynamite Bay. Their diet of pizza is probably replaced with Creatine and skateboarding is substituted with tactical explosions that make no sense to the plot but give the average idiot moviegoer a cheap thrill. Wouldn’t be surprised if Michelangelo’s nun-chucks were replaced with the launch codes for the Nukes.

Name a watchable Michael Bay movie other than the first Bad Boys and The Rock (1st two movies he directed, btw). Go ahead, I dare you. And I’ll even give you Armageddon. Same goes for Megan Fox. A minx she may be, but a Meryl Streep she is not. Even Sasha Grey and her bush of destiny has more mainstream accolades.