Monday, August 28, 2006

Our Ceremony

Laura and I won't have regular Internet access at home until tomorrow, so until then, we are forced to use one hour per day at the Public Library here.

Several of you who attended the wedding have expressed appreciation for the written ceremony and asked for copies. Here is the whole thing. We adapted the Judge's customary ceremony with the references to Auden, Baldwin, etc.

Coming soon...the Baldwin quote in context (as soon as I unpack The Price of the Ticket. Enterprising readers may want to check the end of the essay "The Devil Finds Work." Here's the ceremony text:

We have come here today with different memories, expectations, and hopes but with one purpose: to witness and celebrate the marriage of Pete Haney and Laura Padilla, who are about to declare their friendship, love, and loyalty to each other from this day on. We are privileged to be with them and to share their happiness in making this profound commitment, in which each one takes the other as lover, companion, and friend and promises to live in a way that brings joy and meaning to the other's life.

Love is a noble human emotion. If we practice it faithfully, it can enrich our lives, strengthen us, and give us courage to experience life in ways we had not dared before. The novelist James Baldwin summarizes love this way.

To encounter oneself is to encounter the other; and this is love. If I know that my soul trembles, I know that yours does, too: and, if I can respect this, both of us can live. Neither of us, truly, can live without the other, a statement which would not sound so banal if one were not endlessly compelled to repeat it, and, further, believe it, and act on that belief.

If love is about reaching out beyond our skins, marriage is about making it legal, declaring our love before society and committing ourselves to the "follow through" that makes love something more than a passing fancy. The poet W.H. Auden tells us that it is easy for a poet to declare, "I will love You forever" but wonders whether it is so easy to swear, "I will love You at 4:15 p.m. next Tuesday." There, in the journey from "forever" to "4:15pm next Tuesday" lie the challenge and the promise of marriage. If love is the mutual recognition of two souls vibrating in sympathy, then marriage must be a commitment by those two souls to build a life together inspired by that vibration. A marriage can only begin with the kind of open-ended pledge—"as long as we both shall live"—that Auden found too easy. But when 4:15 p.m. next Tuesday comes, the lovers must do something that will keep the trembling of their souls in synch and make that vague pledge real. And it's the sum of such Tuesdays that makes or unmakes a marriage.

Auden also wondered how a statement like "I love You" could actually be true. Could we really verify the existence of the "I" and "You" involved? Auden thought a private detective might be able to help with that one. Ultimately, though, he was most interested in what he called the "I-feeling" and the "You-feeling," of "being responsible for" or attributing responsibility to someone else. Without this, nothing like love is possible, and though Auden never talks about a "we-feeling," it's hard not to see marriage as the creation of just that. Without disappearing into the "we," without dissolving their individual senses of responsibility, "You" and "I" seek to make ourselves into joint projects. "We" also accept that the "I" that "You" started out with might not be exactly like the one who reaches the end of the journey with "You." This is a daunting prospect, perhaps, but both members of the married couple willingly sacrifice certainty for a hand in making and being made by the beloved through life's triumphs and catastrophes. In making this covenant with one another, Pete and Laura undertake to compose a harmony of self and union, to create a close, loving relationship as husband and wife.

Finally, Auden notes that the love poet promises, "I will love You whatever happens even though…" and proceeds to list a series of apocalyptic events. Since these events are unlikely to actually happen between the lovers, Auden asks, what has really been promised here? Does the lover dare to promise continued affection in the face of more mundane obstacles? Those of you who know Pete and Laura well know that they fell in love almost five years ago. Since then, they have faced challenges both mundane and catastrophic from serious illness to chiseling legislators to doctoral dissertations to the monstrous cockroaches of central Texas. Laura has weathered these scourges with her characteristic sense of humor, Pete with his old shoe in his hand.

We are here, then, to celebrate the love that Pete and Laura have for each other and to give social recognition and official sanction to their decision to join together as husband and wife.

Pete, are you prepared to make this promise in marriage to Laura?

Laura, are you prepared to make this promise in marriage to Pete?

Please face each other, join hands, and repeat after me.

I take you, Pete, to be my husband. I promise, before these our family and friends, to love you and to be your companion throughout my life. I will stand by you whatever may come. I will respect your dreams and help you pursue them. I will be honest with you always, and I will honor and cherish you all the days of my life.

I take you, Laura, to be my wife. I promise, before these our family and friends, to love you and to be your companion throughout my life. I will stand by you whatever may come. I will respect your dreams and help you to pursue them. . I will be honest with you always, and I will honor and cherish you all the days of my life.

Pete, what token do you offer to symbolize your commitment and love? In offering this ring, repeat after me this promise: I give you this ring as a representation of my love, my friendship, my trust and my loyalty, and with this ring I join my life with yours.

Laura, what token do you offer to symbolize your commitment and love? In offering this ring, repeat after me this promise: I give you this ring as a representation of my love, my friendship, my trust and my loyalty, and with this ring I join my life with yours.

By these acts and words, you have taken upon yourselves the sacred alliance of husband and wife. What will sustain you are the measure of kindness you bestow on one another, the patience and cheerfulness you display, and your ability to accept, and even treasure, your differences.

May you always love each other as much as you do today, and may you find new ways to love each other every day. May your love guide you through life together and give you the strength and hope necessary to make your marriage a success. May you create a home together that is not a place of wood and stone, but a harbor that has within it laughter, silence, color and everything that makes life glorious.

May you be able to say as your lives draw to a close: Because you have loved me, you have given me greater faith in myself; and because I have loved you, I have had greater faith in others. May you always treasure this marriage, and may you always attend to it, as well as to each other, with tender regard.

Now, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the State of New Mexico, but more importantly, through the power of your love, I pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss one another.

Thanks again to everybody who attended and to those who sent good words.