If you and your partner struggle with setting boundaries with others, you are not alone. Many couples struggle to make their relationship a priority. Forces pulling them to spend time and energy include kids' activities, aging parents, careers, friends and even hobbies and fitness.

An essential ingredient of a close, connected and lasting relationship is feeling heard and understood by our partner. We seek to be acknowledged for our uniqueness, to not be judged, to be "loved even when I'm upset, confused, hurt or scared." Communication and relationship success is built on good listening.

Yet, really tuning in to our partner can feel challenging. Our busy lives make slowing down and focusing on our partner more difficult. Too, we may fall into some common traps that cause our partner to feel he or she can't turn to us in times of need and to receive comfort.

It's impossible not to hurt our partner's feelings from time to time: Missteps and misunderstandings happen in all relationships -- Things we say, don't say; do, don't do; or forgetting something important to our partner. So, forgiveness is an essential part of a healthy relationship.

Criticism from our partner or spouse is primal pain: It cuts to the core of who we are. Hurtful words or negative comments have much greater power and the potential to inflict emotional wounds when they come from our partner than from anyone else. When couples fall in love, a powerful bond is created -- a bond so strong it supersedes the one you had with your parents.

When couples are more disconnected and uncertain, each often makes negative assumptions about their partner's thoughts, mood or feelings. I wish more couples would check with their partner when they have a negative assumption before acting on their negative beliefs.

While the holiday season brings a time for celebration, reconnecting with family, fun social events and time off from work, this season also may include types of stress that challenge even the most secure couples.

Unstable relationships can feel the added pressures during the holidays when it has been difficult for the couple to talk about sensitive issues; and, unresolved hurts or challenges from the past can resurface at holiday time.

With the holidays just behind us, we can think perhaps more clearly about the gifts our partner truly appreciates. The most important one, couples tell me, doesn't cost anything and can have enduring impact.

One complaint couples often have early in the counseling process is that their partner no longer seems to give them attention that they long for. Here's what they say:

Unlike other couples-therapy approaches, Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy gets to the “heart” of the disconnection and distance between you. We go beneath the surface to discover the unmet needs in the relationship, to heal any past hurts, to resurface the unique strengths of your relationship and to help you understand your partner in a way that helps each of you powerfully reconnect and remain close into the future.

Emotionally Focused Couple therapy offers these unique advantages:

It’s a brief model. Couples usually begin noticing and feeling a difference in the first phase of the process.

You’ll learn that the “negative cycle” of arguing or disconnection is to blame for your disagreements and distance – not either of you!

Change can be lasting. Research shows that many couples report continued improvement after counseling has ended.