Memphis: It’s No Disaster!

Pretty catchy marketing slogan, huh? Maybe not “The City that Never Sleeps” or “Virginia Is for Lovers” or “Silicon Valley USA” but it’s certainly as worthy as “America’s Distribution Center” or “America’s Quietest City” (both real Memphis monikers years ago) and as relevant as the latest news.

Which has been one disaster after another in Houston, New Orleans, California, Montana, South Florida, and the Pacific Northwest. This was the year Harvey, Irma, and the phrase “Cat 5” became part of the family, when wildfires burned up part of the Napa and Sonoma valleys, when smoke from other wildfires obscured Portland, Seattle, and San Francisco, and when anyone living near the ocean from New Jersey to Miami or along the Gulf of Mexico felt dread during the four months — or is it five now? — of hurricane season.

Climate change got serious attention, even from skeptics. The word “Armageddon” enjoyed a renaissance. The earthquake in Mexico City and Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico were warnings that things could be worse.

In the aftermath, news stories focused on survivors facing a grim future of real estate prices and rents that are already sky high, outdated flood protections, complex building and zoning regulations, gridlocked highways, and environmental hazards.

A recent column in The New York Times was headlined “Trying to Breathe in the Bay Area” with a picture of three employees of an Oakland hospital wearing protective masks because of the smoke. A woman goes out to pick lemons from her tree but puts her mask on first. Coffee shops are empty because their air conditioning systems could not filter the smoke, driving patrons to public libraries instead.

It was enough to make you want to move somewhere inland, somewhere less exciting but safer. Maybe somewhere like Memphis. Hurricane Elvis back in 2003, actually a derecho, was over in minutes and didn’t kill anyone. The great flood of 2011 made it to the foot of Beale Street but didn’t even keep the Grizzlies from playing in FedExForum. Scientists say the New Madrid earthquake of 1812 was a doozy, but without Facebook and Twitter how do they really know? More recent ones have been magnitude 3.7, which is a hiccup in California. The closest thing to a wildfire in recent memory was at the Malco Ridgeway October premiere of the firefighter movie Only the Brave produced by former Memphian Molly Smith. Drought? Thanks to the Memphis aquifer, we are the Saudi princes of water.

In stock market terminology, a case can be made that Memphis is an undervalued stock worthy of a “buy” rating or at least an “accumulate” in a market that values Amazon eight times higher than FedEx. The city’s negatives are well known — the violent crime, bad schools, and lack of mountains, beaches, and blue-water lakes. But its fundamentals are good — central location, headquarters of FedEx, the aquifer, an underutilized airport, good utilities, and affordability.

City slogans reflect their times. In the Forties and Fifties Memphis and Boss Crump sold quiet neighborhoods and stability. After the King assassination, Memphis was a “decaying river town,” a reminder that if you do not define yourself others will do it for you. In the Eighties and Nineties Memphis sold warehouses and distribution centers. Then we went through Millennial Madness for a decade or so, touting bike lanes, craft breweries, and Ikea.

These days boring looks better and better. “Breathe Free” is a dumb slogan unless you wear a mask at work and can count the number of clear days this year on your fingers. “Abundant Water” is boring unless you don’t have it after Walmart runs out and FEMA doesn’t show up. “Affordable” means cheap unless you are priced out of your market. “No Hurricanes or Blizzards” is blase unless you’ve lived through one.

As I write this they’re filming scenes for the movie Brian Banks on the football field at Rhodes College and at the Shelby County jail. Best and worst, Memphis has it covered. The biopic, starring Aldis Hodge and Greg Kinnear, is set in California but is being shot in Memphis.

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Memphis: It’s No Disaster!

Peggy Hill called Memphis a "Good Time Town" in King of the Hill Season 13, Episode 9, "What Happens at the National Propane Convention Stays at the National Propane Convention in Memphis." Maybe Peggy's on to something.