TINDER (THE DATING APP)

She Who Must Not Be Named

Tinder is a 'dating app' for Android, iPhone and Windows phones. For most people who grew up in the early days of the internet, talk of any virtual dating zone induces skin crawling flashbacks of dark days spent on Hi5 or Friendfinder. But Tinder is a safe-ish, sanitised version of the usual creepy dating sites. For one, it doesn't give anyone the opportunity to make up pretentious self descriptions like “I am a muscular, 20 year old male with blond hair who immensely enjoyed reading Kafka's 'The Castle'. It is a true portrayal of my impossible quest for love.” Here's a rundown of what makes Tinder a great dating app, and why it will never work out in Bangladesh.THE GOOD Tinder works by linking your Tinder account to your Facebook account, thereby getting rid of the anonymity that causes much of the creepiness. But don't worry, it does not post activity which you would rather keep private straight to your mom's newsfeed. Links with the Facebook account ensure that the person is in fact real, and is using his/her own photo. Tinder will also calculate your age from the year you put up when you first made you Facebook account, so that middle aged predators cannot pose as doe-eyed young people looking for true love. It finds potential matches using your location, and you will find everyone within a (say, 10-mile) radius who is on Tinder. On opening an account, the user is presented with photos of people. You can swipe left to say “no” and right for “yes”. If they also say “yes” to you, it will be a match, and a chat window will open up so that you can proceed with conversation (hopefully) followed up by who knows what.THE BAD If you are used to it taking hours to travel from one place of the city to another, you probably think Dhaka is a huge, sprawling metropolis. You will be surprised to discover that the community is too close for comfort. On many unpleasant and cringe-worthy instances, you will discover people you know on Tinder. Like your second grade math teacher. Or your cousin. Or your aunt. And be assured, they have seen you too. And this is why it is predicted that Tinder may not be the right dating app for Bangladesh after all. On the bright side, whoever has seen you on Tinder won't dare to speak of it in society. Your secrets are safe with each other.

Once you have dealt with the trouble of finding a perfect match, you need to strike a conversation with them. And the main reason you are slinking around in a dating app is probably because you are not the best at holding conversations. Whatever you say, don't let your first word be “ASL?” And then, if all goes well, you may want to meet this person. It is better that you thoroughly stalk their Facebook (or ask a mutual friend, if there is one) to see if they might be a psychopath.THE UGLY The whole premise of Tinder is judging people at first glance based on their looks. Needless to say, the lookers come few and far between endless lines of cool people showing off their magnetic hairy chest while posed on their modified Corolla. And then there will come that time when you friends will discover that you are on Tinder. They will hijack your phone and swipe right to every weirdo you would normally go out of your way to avoid, so that you receive messages like “hello beautiful lukin gud” for the weeks to follow. This is not the ugliest that can happen, though. This is: Tinder shows how many mutual friends you have with a potential match. If you are extremely unlucky (like this writer) you will find that your dad is mutual friends with someone who liked you. This will make you squirm with disgust and delete the cursed app altogether.