Monday, 19 March 2012

One Last Lesson

As I sit here on my
bed thinking about my reaction or lack of reaction to the whole Mr. X new love
thing. It finally hit me, I could lay here and cried all I wanted, but he wouldn’t
care, and that’s why I don’t.

I’ve spent so many
years chasing the phantom, convincing myself I’ve put too much effort and time
in to give up. I think by the end it became more about the thrill of the
chase and the need to win more then wanting a relationship or anything like
that.

Don’t get me wrong,
there are things I genuinely love about him. His sense of honour, his wit, the
fact his assholedom pushes me and motivates me to do my best. But let’s face
fact...I’m not what he wants.

And.....I’m ok with
that.

When I really think
about it, he isn’t what I want either. I want someone who’ll take me as I am,
someone who cares enough to spare my feelings, someone who will be there when I’m
upset or hurt. I remember being in hospital, waking up after surgery in the
recovery room and asking for him. But even then, deep down I knew he’d never be
that guy.

The truly fucked up
part of that story is I was deep into a relationship with Chicken Man at the
time, who I also didn't see while I was in hospital but I digress.

After everything is
said and done, I don’t regret anything and I can honestly say it hasn’t left me
bitter. Some guys give you earth shaking orgasms and others just shake you to
your core, changing you forever. Since I’m not the same girl I was all those
years ago I can safely say he did that.