How To Knock Yourself Out To Avoid A Fight: Jersey Shore, S4, Ep5

We are mid-fight right now. These Jersey kids really know how to create a cliff-hanger. Sitch was foaming at the mouth and screaming at SloppyRon to hit him. It’s still happening as the roomies file out and try to get between them. Last week ended on a much edited scene because the same scene is unfolding, only now Sitch is not only banging on the wall before he and SloppyRon topple over onto each other, but he slams his head into the wall.

:bang:

He comes away from the wall in a daze. Then he falls over as SloppySam holds back SloppyRon and SloppyRon yells.

JWoWW curls over Sitch and asks him to look at her. His eyes are glazed over and he turns his head back and forth. She says he clearly is not all there.

Which is why he jumps up after a few seconds and begs SloppyRon to fight. And so, SloppyRon jumps at him. They topple over onto each other, not really punching, not really wrestling, not really doing much but falling on each other. JWoWW takes cover on SloppyRon’s bed, curling up over herself this time and covering her head as the two guys fall on each other near her.

The other girls are crying. The other guys are watching. They all let security jump in and tear the guys apart. With all the steroidal testosterone and booze enhancing their innate sense of “let’s beat each other up,” it’s probably a good idea to let the professionals handle this one.

DJP reveals that Sitch has a background in karate. However, neither Sitch nor SloppyRon knows how to throw a punch. With all his muscles, SloppyRon cannot fight. He thinks Sitch knocked himself out on the wall in an attempt to commit suicide to get away from the SloppyCoupleDrama.

See? It wasn’t just me. That clearly was not a fight. Not that I want a fight. Complete tangent—I was completely ill yesterday when I watched two news reports on Yahoo News: one was a father who beat up a 16 year old his son had been fighting after the father “reffed” the fight; the other was a group of youth league football coaches going after and pummeling a referee for a series of bad calls. This is what our world is coming to—adults beating up children and youth leaders ganging up on authority figures. Nice. But back to Italy.

Once the boys are torn apart, SloppySam decides to help by crying and whining at SloppyRon about how she was wrong but she was right and asking him what she did and why he did what he did. SloppyRon keeps shouting for her to go away.

Snooki and Deena are still crying. JWoWW is also crying, and she yells at SloppySam to leave SloppyRon alone. SloppySam yells back at her to stay out of it. They yell back and forth about repeating Jersey.

DJP and Vincenzo have disappeared for the moment, not wanting to be part of anything going on. Guys just wanna have fun. Where’s Sarah Jessica Parker and her leg warmers when you need them?

Sitch has found a moment to lie down and put a large bag of ice on his head. Snooki urges him to go to the hospital. He doesn’t want to. She says that going to the hospital doesn’t mean he lost the fight. He needs to make sure he didn’t do anything to himself seriously. JWoWW calls the ambulance, and they medics tie Sitch to a board and stabilize his head. DJP goes with Sitch to the hospital. He’s holding Sitch’s hand and telling him who he is. While this seems like a nice gesture, Sitch is perfectly aware of what’s going on. Maybe DJP missed that part when he disappeared after the fight.

JWoWW attempts to get SloppyRon to tell her what’s got him so heated. SloppySam thinks that no one can possibly understand SloppyRon aside from her, so she’s angry JWoWW is talking to him. When she goes in to talk to him, JWoWW begs her to leave them alone and SloppyRon again yells at her to leave. He shouts that he’s been calling other girls since they’ve been in Italy. SloppySam gets that look on her face that means she’s disgusted and she yells and walks away.
SloppyRon thinks that he let a lot of anger build up over the last three years at Sitch and he shouldn’t have waited to get it out. JWoWW thinks the fight is long overdue. Then SloppyRon cries. Because he’s really a pussy. And this is what steroids does.

Usually I don’t accuse people of being on steroids, but here, I’ll allow myself to do so because (1) I wasn’t the first to bring it up—DJP did and (2) SloppyRon has been sporting some bacne, so either that GNC stuff he’s on is causing an allergic reaction or he’s on the juice. Or maybe he needs some antibacterial cleanser. Still, his anger issues do not help the idea of him not being on steroids.

Out on the pigeon porch, Vincenzo tells Snooki and Deena how he doesn’t see the point of fighting and how crazy that Sitch is in the hospital by his own doing. They talk about concussions and Snooki has had some from cheerleading and being drunk.

SloppyRon goes to talk to SloppySam who is crying under her covers. He tells her that the two of them being together causes problems like sending roommates to the hospital. He plans to wait for her in the smush room until she’s ready to talk. On his way to the smush room, he attempts to make out with Vincenzo.

I’m serious. Vincenzo is dozing on the couch in the living room. SloppyRon reaches over the back of the couch and attempts to bear hug and kiss him. Watch it. I’m telling you. It’s totally a pass made out to be an apology. Plus, instead of first saying, Sorry about flying off the handle, Sloppy Ron says, I love you. I’m not making that up.

Vincenzo tells SloppyRon he doesn’t like it when he acts like that. He could be talking about how SloppyRon is making a pass at him, but I think he’s also talking about how SloppyRon killed Sitch’s bed. Vincenzo tells SloppyRon he can always come talk to him instead of reacting that way.

SloppySam walks through and SloppyRon follows her, but not before hugging and kissing Vincenzo one more time. The Sloppy Couple sit down for a whispering chat about how their relationship is toxic and how they love each other but they have issues and they care about each other and themselves. SloppyRon wants to talk but SloppySam wants him to stop. He tells her he did call a girl and she wants to know who it was. She guesses it was the girl from Long Island and then says, Goodbye. He wants her to sit and he wants to be honest. She tells him she wants nothing to do with him ever again and walks out.

Guess what—SloppySam is done with SloppyRon.

SloppyRon follows her into her room. She wants to talk. She tells him to get away. She says, Do you, as if she’s never said that before. She tells him again to get away.

Guess what—SloppyRon is done with SloppySam.

That was the shortest relationship ever.

SloppyRon returns to his room and finds his stuff amid the rubble of Sitch’s bed. He decides he needs to go home. The first things he throws into his suitcase? Supplements. I #OOPS# you not. Vincenzo finds him packing and tells him to sleep on the decision and not to go home just because things don’t work out with SloppySam.

SloppyRon goes out to the pigeon porch to ponder the profound advice of Vincenzo, whom SloppyRon calls the Dr. Phil of the house. SloppyRon decides that Vincenzo is right and he should stay. Dammit.

In the middle of all of this, the phone rings. A florist calls and asks to talk to Nooki or Sally-Jenny. Vincenzo half-understands her and she doesn’t understand him so he winds up hanging up on her. Hil. Air. Eee. Us! Sally-jenny. Aw.

To cleanse his soul and conscience, SloppyRon decides to put Sitch’s bed back along with his stuff. He hates him, but he’s also hurt.

DJP comes home tired because he waited in the waiting room for four hours. They are keeping Sitch for observation. Vincenzo also goes to bed, having dealt with the SloppyCouple all night.

Sitch arrives home in a little while, saying he has some head trauma and a sprain. He has a neck brace. He’s upset he can’t GTL for the next few days. He goes to his bed and collapses.

SloppyRon comes into their room and then tries to make out with Sitch. What is it with him? He comes over to Sitch, rubs his back, and asks if he’s all right. He tells Sitch he didn’t mean that s*** all right all right, all while massaging Sitch’s shoulder. Sitch thinks they have unsettled business because no one won round one.

To collect his thoughts, SloppyRon decides to spend the day by himself. He goes to the gym and works out alone. He wants to change how he bottles things up. He wants to let things go instead of flipping out.

At the house, JWoWW and Snooki find the flowers their boyfriends sent to them. Vincenzo tells JWoWW that Sitch is home, he suffered head trauma, and he can’t go out for a week. They decide to go do laundry and the house is back to normal. So they all leave the head trauma victim alone to discuss if the Sloppy Couple is still together. They hate their relationship and are tired of it.

Vincenzo, DJP, and the girls minus SloppySam find SloppyRon in a restaurant. SloppyRon immediately apologizes to them for what happened. SloppyRon says that SloppySam didn’t want to talk to him, called him names, and said they were done. Vincenzo asks why he would want to be with someone like that. Then JWoWW says SloppySam wanted to see how much SloppyRon loved her and tested him by making him fight.

What the? So now it’s all SloppySam’s fault? Really? Why is SloppyRon the innocent here? Seriously?

Later at home, Snooki talks to Jianni on the phone. She makes sexual comments. He doesn’t like them. He keeps telling her to stop being so blunt about sex. She keeps talking about orgasms.

Meanwhile, SloppySam takes all the stuff that SloppyRon has given to her and puts it on his bed. She thinks this is a good idea. She thinks she will find a guy who appreciates her. Then she goes in to see Sitch to ask him how he is and to apologize. He grunts, ignoring her. He thinks it’s SloppySam’s fault that he fought.

Really? Again? No. It’s your own damn fault you fought, you jackass. You run your mouth all the time and get into everyone else’s business.

Then Sitch starts to feel bad for himself. If someone else in the house was hurt, he’d be checking on them. No one is checking on him. He’s making his own food. He walks around the house crying behind his big red sunglasses. I do feel bad for him and I do think he has a point—the guy bashed his head in. Someone should keep watch. Even if he did do it to himself. Maybe he’ll learn a lesson about meddling and talking trash. But probably not.

The roomies arrive home and think Sitch’s neck brace is ridiculous.

SloppyRon finds all of SloppySam’s stuff on his bed. He decides to throw it in the trash. SloppySam sees the stuff in the trash and starts to take it out and fold it. She asks him for the earrings she left on his bed but he doesn’t answer her. She takes them out of the trash. She doesn’t understand the logic of throwing out diamond earrings. Exactly. You can bring them to a pawn shop.

And now for the perfectly logical explanation of why Sitch bashed his own head against the wall: When Sitch was in a previous fight with a guy bigger than SloppyRon, he knew he had to act like he was crazy, so he bashed his own head against a wall. His head went through it because it was sheet rock. And so, not realizing that the walls of the house in Italy were cement, he attempted the same thing. SloppyRon seems highly uninterested in listening at first, but then winds up laughing at the absolutely ridiculous reasoning.

Then Sitch tells SloppyRon that he tries to stay out of his relationship and didn’t mean to upset him. SloppyRon walks in and out of the room as Sitch talks, not caring.

The girls go out for a girls’ night. They eat Mexican. Mexican food in other countries is a must. No joke. They give SloppySam advice about how to confront people when they say rumors or when they try to start problems.

The guys get ready to go out while Sitch stays home with his brace and sunglasses. The guys twirl around sparklers and dance around. Some girl keeps hitting on SloppyRon, who is drinking profusely.

DJP dances with some girl while some guy gets in his face and keeps saying, Che cosa? According to Google Translate, that means so what or what. (Hey! I actually did some research!) Perhaps it means something in slang, too. The girl won’t translate it, but says that the guy is being a douche. DJP goes up to the guy and keeps saying, What’s up baby? I don’t know how that’s any kind of threatening.

There’s some pushing and shoving but nothing comes of it. Vincenzo thinks DJP is drunk. DJP is not a fighter. Except for when Angelina slaps him across the face. Then it’s time to heed the warning, Don’t anger the DJ. They all end the night on a happy note, dancing and drinking more.

The girls arrive home. Snooki tells Sitch that she was upset when he went to the hospital. She’s still mad that he said they slept together, but she still loves him as a friend. It is unclear whether or not penetration occurred.

SloppyRon decides not to take home the girl who has been hitting on him. Instead, he decides to buy SloppySam flowers. He wants to prove that he’s the right one and SloppySam is the bad one because she thinks he’ll bring home a girl and he’s not going to.

To recap: SloppyRon is buying SloppySam flowers not to do something nice, but to prove that she’s horrible. That’s nice.

When he gets home, SloppySam is freaking out because she doesn’t know if she can take seeing SloppyRon with a girl. He follows her to her room and gives her flowers, saying, just so you know just so you know.

SloppySam is beyond confused. First she asks if they were for someone else. Remember, when Vincenzo’s girl never showed up in Miami, SloppyRon regifted the flowers, giving them to SloppySam. She has grounds to ask.

SloppyRon explains that giving her the flowers means he’s going to be happy either way, with or without her. He’s moving on.

Umm, can someone explain to me how giving flowers to your less-than-24-hours-ago ex girlfriend is moving on? That makes no sense and that’s totally fu**ing with her head. He’s such a douchetool.

Then she asks him if he brought a girl home. SloppyRon gets so angry at the question that he throws out the flowers. SloppySam takes the flowers out of the garbage and puts them in a large pot and thanks him for the flowers.

She has every right to be confused, btw. I mean, he told her that they are toxic and should not be together and he spent the afternoon throwing out the stuff she tried to give back to him. Now he’s buying her flowers. And all the drama is her fault? Not that she’s an angel, but come on. That doesn’t make sense.

Aaaand, compared to last week, this ends on a very anti-climactic note. Everyone climbs into bed and goes to sleep and no one attempts to plow through a concrete wall.

:banana4:

GatsbyGirl

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