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Origins Story - Ordering! Give me a three tribe Filipino with a Tyler Perry twist. No, not Katy Perry, that would be a float. Hold the rye... err, RI... uhm, Redemption Island.

So it begins at the Alcohol Distillery, Vape Bar and Brothel that CBS built in my honor oh those many years ago. So the morning after the night before, the Brawn, the Brains and the Beauty tribes were born. I call them the "Prawns, Drains and Needy" but as long as it gets good ratings, who wants to split hairs?

We begin with the basics; Jiffy Pop perched on the highest mountain we can find while crew members look admiringly up his khaki shorts. The Brawn roll in on a repossessed Hertz jeep on four flat tires. The Beauties glide up in a boat, the wind whipping through their oiled breasts and with the women, their long flowing hair. And finally the Brains descend from the heavens in a machine that has the Brawnies pounding rocks together and grunting "Whirl-e-bird! Whirl-e-bird!"

Jiffy Probst's first order of business after having the new tribe members try to guess which tribe they're on, is to elect leaders. Then the leaders are immediately told to pick the weakest tribe mate and cast that person aside. See what I'm doing here? Create a caste system, power imbalances and distrust. Just like any third world dictator, but with a much bigger expense account and countless nubile PA's. So representatives LJ, Sarah and David pick Morgan, Trish and Garrett. But instead of being cast into a fiery pit, those three are chauffeured to the Beauty, Brawn and Brains camps and presented with a dilemma; either use a clue to find the HII or provide more rice for the tribe. Bazinga!

Garrett proves he belongs on the Brains tribe by finding his HII in pretty short order. As a Pilates Instructor, Trish knows the value of carbo-loading and opts for the extra rice. Beauty Morgan, on the other hand, passes on the rice and fails to find the HII. She tells her tribe that she was looking for the seafood bar, so she comes up selfish, but without the shellfish.

Morgan is also under the delusion that her devastating beauty will be all she needs to have men falling all over her. Even men who really have no interest in her. Her tribe votes her "most likely to require a Restraining Order" and she promptly forms an alliance with Brice who shows the potential to out fem the tag-team duo of Colton & Caleb.

Camp Life- Over at the Brawny/Aparri tribe, Cliff Robinson, the 8 foot tall athletic guy who keeps offering to run pick-and-roll drills with everyone he sees can't conceal the fact that he was an NBA player for the Portland Trail Blazers, Phoenix Suns, Detroit Pistons, Golden State Warriors and NJ Nets. "So, basically you're sayin' that you couldn't get along wid anybody" says Tony, who is clearly not a fan. Seeing how Cliff is quickly becoming everyone's favorite, Tony vows to "stay sharp on my toes."

The Brainy/ Luzon tribe has their own troubles, in the form of J'Tia. The Nuclear Engineer is nuking her relationship with her tribe by bossing everybody around because she's visualized the perfect shelter and she wants her staff to assemble it before the judges from Better Huts & Gardens show up.

IC: Putting the Cart Before the Whores - The first Immunity Challenge is from the Ikea Collection. Teams need to roll the cart, knock keys off a pole, unlock chests, dismantle the cart, rebuild the cart and put together puzzle pieces. All without a single Danish Modern end table or a Swedish meatball to call their own. Surprisingly, the Beauties pull it together with the Brawnies in second place. This leaves Jiffy moaning that the Brainiacs are putting in one of the worst Survivor challenge performances ever. Even Brainy mascot Cochran is at home, looking at his 110" HD television and shouting, "less medulla oblongata and more mule!"The Brains will head to the first TC of the season.

In the backstab dance prior to Tribal Council, David and Kass are allied against J'Tia for her poor work ethic around camp, but ultimately Garrett, J'Tia and Tasha manage to push Miami Marlins president David Samson into the locker room.

Know When To Hold 'Em, Fold 'Em or Flip 'Em- In a confessional, pro poker player Garrett is talking like he might take his cards and go home. He describes his life as playing poker and having people bring him chicken sandwiches at the table. He says, "I don't want to play Survivor to survive." Maybe he'll change his mind when he learns of some of the insects that can crawl up his hole card while he's sleeping.

Meanwhile over at Camp Brawny, besties Cliff and Woo have taken the boat out for a romantic getaway. Cliff opines that everyone needs a wingman. "Batman had Robin and Cliff has Woo." He gets so excited about having his new wingman inside his wingspan that Cliff manages to capsize the canoe.

Back on land, Tony is hinting to Trish about a secret project. Hey everybody, it's #Spyshack! He proudly explains that he'll be able to lean inside his banana leaf curtain and hear everything Cliff is saying. "Small talk and big talk!" gushes Tony as he rambles on about taking over the pride by killing Cliff the Lion and the cubs. If Tony starts giving everyone Secret Agent names then Phillip has definitely got a viable copyright infringement suit ready to go.

IC2: Fish or Cut Bait - In this second Immunity Challenge, Cliff sits out because his 8-foot frame is not really built for squeezing into and out of an underwater bamboo cage. Brice sits out because he's pacing himself and waiting for the Joan Rivers Fashion Police challenge.

At any rate, the Brains tribe leads due to Garrett power while the Brawnies are in second place. Once up on the beach, J'Tia is in charge of the puzzle and should have a comfortable lead. But the Brawnies are right behind her, with Sarah placing five puzzle pieces while J'Tia stares at just one. Even the Beauties manage to climb back into it, leaving the early leader in last place and destined for Tribal again. The Nuclear Engineer can't seem to solve a puzzle that is usually in Aisle 3 of Toys-R-Us.

Not Duke, Not Prince, Not Earl - Pawing through the IC reward tackle box, Tony finds a clue to the HII which leads him to a secluded pond and the necklace. This quite naturally leads to some babbling about sneak attacks, a victorious/sexual moaning that I'm dubbing the "Hidden Idol-gasm" and a claim that Tony is the King Of The Jungle. Again, we hear the plaintive cries of Phillip Sheppard deep in the night... "bitch stole my look!!"

"We've been reviewing your file..." - In the wake of the Brainies loss, Garrett calls for an open group discussion. They go around the horn and bar-b-que J'Tia for her poor performance, her bossiness and her general laziness around camp. It's a bold, brilliant/stupid move that has J'Tia desperate and Tasha demanding a Survivor refund. "What do you mean we can't go running into corners of the jungle and scheme? I want to scheme and backstab! That's how you play Survivor" wails Tasha.

But Garrett forgets to close the door. They leave J'Tia alone for a few seconds and she has her Carrie moment. Her eyes roll toward the back of her head, and she dumps all of their rice into the fire. As J'Tia says so eloquently, "That's what happens when you leave crazy people alone."

This leads to the most poignant observation from Kass; "How are we the Brains? I'd like to see that data."

By the time Tribal Council rolls around, Garrett is starting to take on a haunted Criss Angel look. Jiffy pokes and prods and after Garrett gets hung up in an "Alliance, uhh I mean Tribe" verbal punji stick trap, he's the one who loses the pot and walks over to the Ponderosa to shuffle up and deal.

Yech, for a minute there, I thought Garrett was going to shove me down him briefs. Speaking of Garrett and more specifically his tribe, That's the brains tribe? Are you serious? I'm embarrassed I was even found by such an inept player from such an inept tribe!

Garrett of the Not playing with a Full Deck Club did NOT come here to have to survive. Bring him a chicken, hold the feathers & don't skimp on the Vegetables. Chop-Chop.

It's amazing how the buffest guy to be on the show in a long time took exactly 4 days to find his TEMPLE has deteriorated. I haven't heard that much whining in seasons. This is what happens to a well fed machine when you miss a meal or two. Talk about high maintenance. Now his well oiled (and pampered) elevator has stopped short of the top floor. Who knew brains were so troublesome.

How embarrassing, he finds me, then spends the rest of the time whining about how he's not having fun and wants to play the social game. Guess what? Dood tried to play the social game and $ucked at it! Then he's not even smart enough to bring me with him to tribal.

Hey Jeff! Want to explain to me why you were unable to find any Brains other than myself? Where did you find these morons?I might could have made something work with the Marlins guy, but dang it! He put his foot in his mouth too often to survive.

Am I going to have to pull this tribe together all by myself? How am I going to do that without rice to eat?

Yeah, yeah, Cliff and Woo, cliff and woo.They can be the nice guys on the roid tribe.Meanwhile, I'll be the whores whisperer on the babes tribe.And did you see my brain? Huge, right? Winning both challenges. ahem... *polishes knuckles*

It is I Spoiler Sam again. Here to serve up the latest spoilers, fresh off the hot-pants of my "crack" team of spoiler reporters, recent graduates of a really raunchy girls finishing school called "The Reelly Reelly Raunchy Girls School of Raunchiness and Vespa Repair". Although they graduated with a PhD in Doggy-Style, they are also not slouches at gathering the latest and most lascivious slander from the Island.

As mentioned previously, we are now in the newly recreational pot-legal state, and are a bit more laid back than in previous seasons, and because the cops are frustrated that they can't bust pot smokers anymore and are taking out their frustrations on wild women who hoorah small villages, we've had to cut back on that a bit. Leaving more time for their new sport, Bong-sex orgies.

To say their asses are smoking is to be even more literally true that ever before. You've never been high before unless you've shot-gunned a nubile nympho's ass. It's hard to describe in words, mainly because of the alteration in the thinking process that this Colorado pot brings about. So you need to use your imagination there.

So, onto the spoilers sent to me via smoke signals from mountain peak to mountain peak.

Spoiler #1: This season three teams are pitted against each other, the beauties, the brawn, and the brains.

The kicker is that the beauties will be on the island with limited food and no sanitary or “freshen up” facilities, so unless your taste runs to rugged male models (and we know who you are) or stringy haired women with hairy legs and pits, and menstruation fits of screaming and food dumping, there is no beauty.

And unless you think that poker players who can't play Survivor poker, chess players who can't play Survivor chess, or Nuclear scientists who can’t tell anyone how to make a simple bamboo platform with a grass roof, the brains are going to be absent too.

However, if you think Brawn means muscle headed, you won’t be disappointed with the third tribe.

Spoiler #2: Here in the thousandth or so season of Survivor they have all their accumulated token players represented.

4. Token Chess player who thinks that voting with his alliance of two males against an alliance of three females is sound survivor chess strategy (it is not).

5. Token Poker player who sucks at reading people and understanding strategy.

6. Token suit guy. Token millionaire (Same guy).

7. Token law enforcement agent (plural) who runs down alleys and jumps over fences and who thinks that this makes him shoo-in for Survivor winner. And a token crazy guy who builds spy shacks (Same guy). Watch, pretty soon he’ll be chasing chickens, wearing buzzard feathers, and asking his ancestors for advice.

8. And the token ex-beauty queens and NFL cheerleaders.

9. And with a few token Boobilicious babes with no particular talent thrown in the mix.

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