In the wake of yet another senseless accidental shooting in the US, Republicans have urged the American people not to give in to self-reflection or common sense. After a two-year old shot his mother in an Idaho supermarket, gun lobbyists have claimed that sensible gun ownership and handling must be taught from an earlier age.

The National Rifle Association has committed itself to alleviating ‘firepower poverty’ in the developing world. ‘There are children who’ll grow up without ever knowing the comfort of holding a warm firearm if we don’t take action now,’ said NRA spokesman Brent Maples.

At 1.36 Eastern Standard Time the United States of America officially declared that they had run out of ammo. The ensuing chaos has seen riots and looting in twelve major cities, as a bewildered populace struggle to come to terms with the loss of their favourite past time – shooting classmates, Beatles and ‘anyone who isn’t an albino’.