Wedding Registries: A Love-Hate Relationship

This is a guest post from Betsy Teutsch, who writes about socially responsible investing, savvy consuming, and sustainable living at Money Changes Things.

The practical side of me loves wedding registries, and the values-driven side of me has grown to loathe them as brides and grooms seem ever bossier. Registries are nothing new, of course. We registered for gifts in 1973, and as a result received two lovely sets of china and ten place-settings of silver. Beyond that, it was open season: we received all sorts of gifts we had not designated. Most we used, a few we actively hated, and many we came to appreciate and even love over time. (Regifting hadn’t been “invented” back then.). From the point of view of the brides and grooms, wedding registries have many upsides. But let’s look at it from the perspective of the gift-giver.

Pros and cons
The pros of a gift registry are:

Efficiency. You can order the gift and you’re done. The store ships it and you don’t have to wrap it, schlep it, or even buy a card.

The couple picks what they want, and you know your gift is to their taste, which is especially helpful if you hate shopping or don’t know the couple well enough to key in to their life style. Easy. Done.

From my point of view, the negative list is more extensive:

It’s impersonal. No way to write a note to go with your gift, except electronically.

The choices are not prioritized. Recently, after scrolling through scores of chosen items, I finally decided to just purchase a gift certificate from the registry and let the couple decide. Wrapping and shipping would have been an extra $20, which seems mostly wasted.

The options are overly directed. The attitude expressed, even if it’s not intentional, is DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT GIVING US SOMETHING NOT ON OUR LIST! I find it arrogant that young couples think they know more about what they will need over a lifetime than people who have actually lived a generation or two longer. This is often the case because the couple is using a store registry, which is a fixed template without options to comment or personalize any aspect of the choices. They come off sounding very dictatorial.

I don’t like being limited to chain stores and/or mass produced items. Some of my favorite wedding gifts are pottery and other handmade crafts, which cannot be purchased from a registry. It’s also nice to give a family heirloom or something more personal.

I still might very well decide to give them a place setting of something they’ve chosen, or whatever, but as a sport PSAWSWLD [J.D.'s note: Yeah, I had to click that link, too.], I could probably find it cheaper elsewhere online, and/or perhaps using Amazon Prime’s free shipping, thereby giving them a more valuable gift.

I am often turned off by the actual items chosen since they are way pricier and extravagant than anything I have ever owned. (And I’ve lived a perfectly abundant life!) I like to feel simpatico with the gift I’m giving, since it’s an expression of my values.

I dislike not knowing whether our gift arrived, since brides and grooms (or bride + bride and groom + groom) are often really terrible about writing thank-yous. My preference is to bring the gift with me to the wedding, if I am attending. Not an option with a registry — the whole point is to ship the gift directly to the couple. They haven’t added return receipts for the giver, so far as I know, so if you never receive an acknowledgment, you don’t know if it’s just another inconsiderate bride and groom screwing up, or if your gift didn’t arrive, and they think you are a creep.

The old-fashioned side of me feels uncomfortable with the couple knowing precisely, down to the dime, what I spent on their gift. It feels so calculated. I mean, why don’t they just send a bill?!

Other options
A few brides and grooms I know have worked to transcend the tax-assessment feel of store registries. While they feel obliged to include conventional stores on their wedding sites (because that’s what lots of their guests do prefer), they expand their suggestions, including favorite charities and causes. One couple said they would love gift certificates to local bookstores and garden shops and described their garden, giving their guests a sense of their values and passions. A few years ago we gave a giant composter to this couple, since they had included it on a wishlist, and it really spoke to me; I totally enjoyed sending it to them. The fancy china comes out maybe once a year, but that composter is used every day!

Another way some couples counteract the gimmes is to ask for non-material gifts. Recently all the invitees to a wedding we attended were asked by the bride’s friend to submit a favorite recipe, which they made into a cookbook for the bride and groom. Another woman I know did something similar for her future daughter-in-law, collecting recipes from all the immediate family, including copies of recipes written by grandmothers no longer alive. (She made copies for all the contributors, and I’m sure they are treasured!)

A nice custom in the Jewish community is to send close friends and family fabric squares to decorate, which are then sent back and stitched together to create the wedding canopy. None of these touches are instead of a material gift, but they serve to make guests feel like they are more than ATMs.

Some couples create an online donation registry in lieu of gifts, but the site notifies the couple of the amount of each contribution, something which makes some people (like me, for example!) uncomfortable. I recently received a link to New American Dream’s registry where the celebrants (brides and grooms, new parents, etc) can set up a registry asking for whatever they like, mixing purchased and guest-created items. Their sample asks for recipes, food for potluck weddings, advice, and fair-traded household things. Very nice idea for a small, simple event, but for a conventional, fancy wedding, I think it would freak people out. (It would be a nice additional alternative to a conventional registry, though; a couple could do both, and explain their thinking on their wedding website, the new de rigeur system for communicating wedding plans.)

And what about the most obvious wedding gift? Cold cash, of course. It’s nice to receive, but I can tell you, 33 years later, it’s the beautiful, thoughtful items which I enjoy, the cash long ago having been plowed into aggregate savings. Many of the brides and grooms I know are mature and earn more than I do, so in those cases money feels like a weird gift. (If the couple is a pair of starving students, money is still a great idea, perhaps along with a smaller material item.)

Let’s hear what you all think about wedding registries, pro or con, and from both givers and receivers’ points of view. Are they a necessary evil, a godsend, or something in between?

We had a small wedding (60 invited guests) near our families, so about 2000 miles away from where we lived. We had been living together 8 months by the time we got married, and we had each been living on our own for several years. It was DH’s second marriage, so we didn’t need much in the way of household goods. We’re not into sets of things.

So, we didn’t register anywhere. Most people gave us money or unique decorative objects that we still treasure. We spent the money on our honeymoon.

I don’t object to registries, although when I know the couple is broke, it seems silly to buy them a few pieces of china. I tend to go for the most practical stuff on the list — usually towels and bedding.

I give resturant gift certificates. I don’t always get a thank you note, but every couple has thanked me for that night they didn’t have to cook after a day of doing this or that. What I spend depends on how well I know the couple. I almost aways get the gift certificates from restuants.com. The couples who are not fimilar with it also thank me for letting them know about a way to save money eating out. In fact, this is my main gift for most events these days, including up coming graduations. College kids like to be able to eat out and often don’t have the money.

Maybe it’s the Utah culture, but here registries are suggestions only, and you usually bring the gift to the reception.

Another couple pros about registries though:

If you want to get the couple a silverware (or china, or whatever) set, you can find out the pattern and make sure they don’t end up with several disparate sets. You can usually also see what other people have bought.

The two most useless but kind of funny gifts we got for our wedding (4 years ago):

1) A silver engraved cake cutting knife from tiffanys — still in the box

As a relatively recent bride, and a guest at numerous weddings, I strongly support using the registry for several reasons:

1. You can ship the gifts. At my wedding, we received several large gifts, which then meant recruiting people to help us drive them back to our apartment. Imagine what would have happened if we’d gotten married 2-3 hours away from where we lived? Shipping the gift makes it easier on the couple, who are exhausted and have other things on their minds the morning after the wedding.

If you buy online, you know exactly when it was delivered, because the store emails you the shipping info and tracking number. It’s really not that hard to track it online.

2. Less duplication/hassle for the couple. We already had a set of pots and pans, but there were one or two others we needed. If we hadn’t registered for the ones we wanted, we would have had to deal with exchanging/returning stuff we didn’t need. Buying from the list avoids this.

3. Fewer useless gifts. We registered for the glasses we liked. We didn’t want either of the two multi-glass sets we received. One of them didn’t even include a receipt, which forced us to track down the store where it had been purchased in order to return it. The store wasn’t in our area, and the gift turned out to have been marked down 50% the day before. We also received items that were clearly pulled out of the closet.

If you don’t want to deal with shipping, and don’t want to stick to the registry because you feel you know better, please give cash or a gift card. Don’t inflict your issues on the couple.

Maybe they’d send thank you notes faster if they weren’t figuring out what to do with the stuff they didn’t ask for.

I have a lot of weddings coming up, and I’m using the method I watched my parents use when I was growing up:

Start with the registry. Figure out your price range (take tax and shipping into account). See what’s on there that fits.

Watch for sales at that store (see: Target). Watch for coupons (see: Bed Bath and Beyond). Check other stores.

And see what goes with what. One couple registered for the Mickey Mouse kitchen line at Macys — my parents got them a Mickey Mouse teapot from Pennys that they loved. My cousin got a beautiful set of candlesticks that complimented the china she’s picked out. Another cousin was doing her kitchen in red and black, so I got her a huge box of red and black kitchen towels.

The registry is a starting place, not an ending place. I just make sure I always include a gift receipt, just in case (my parents don’t).

Just a note on etiquette — it is considered bad manners to bring a gift TO the wedding/reception. Gifts should be sent prior to or after the wedding. Registries are helpful in this regard, since the shipping can be taken care of (and the place the gifts are going may not be the same as the return address on the wedding invitation).

At last one occasion to actually get presents I need and like, even from the tasteless old aunt, and I should give it up?

Another option: if you don’t need any more kitchenware, forniture and such (my situation since bf and I already live together and have everything we need) let your guests pay your honeymoon at the travel agency.

This post made me think of the I Do Foundation (http://www.idofoundation.org/), which helps people set up registries that will make charitable contributions as well. That might help alleviate some of the cons. (Full disclosure: This is run in part by a friend of mine, though I am not involved.)

Seconding Cara (#53). DO NOT BRING A GIFT TO THE WEDDING! Send it or drop it off before or even after.

Remember, the bride and groom may very well have bags packed for the honeymoon and be planning to catch a plane/train/boat/whatever after the reception. Who is going to manage your package? (If they’ve hired a wedding consultant, the consultant probably will. But if not, who?)

We had a small wedding (<30 people), did NOT register, told everyone who asked that gifts were NOT necessary, honeymooned at the hotel where we had the reception, and we STILL had to recruit friends to take gifts home for us because *we didn’t have room for all the packages in our car!*

It sounds like the author has more of a problem with rude brides and grooms than with the registry process itself.

It was a strange paradox as a bride (2 years ago) – I didn’t expect any gifts from my guests, but I was expecting gifts. I mean, these people have been giving me gifts all my life for all kinds of occasions, and some of my family members are very traditional types that wouldn’t show up at a wedding without gift in hand. Hence, the registry was created. There were some fancy things like crystal for the traditional types, there was kitchen upgrades to replace our old mismatched college stuff, and there were even some fun things that reflected our hobbies. I didn’t tell anyone about it that didn’t ask me first, and I didn’t mention it in the invitation (though my MOH did mention it in the shower invitation). Not mentioning it in the invitation meant that we received lots of cash, and some very fun gifts from our friends that did not know our parents, so they went off-registry and we ended up with some very unique and fun items like a Dali clock, gourmet coffee, and a handle of Crown Royal (yay!).

Plenty of my guests didn’t bring gifts, but I was SO glad to have them there. When I think about what one couple went through to make it (travel 1000 miles and find sitters for their 3 kids), I feel very blessed.

And I did listen to my elders about the things I would “need” – my mom said she never used her food processor, but they were all the rage when she got married in the ’70s, so I didn’t register for one. We got one eventually on our own and we love it and use it all the time, so there goes that argument.

I think the problem that the poster is having with registries is that she’s assuming a lot about what registering couples are thinking and will want (and might want someday in the distant future). We registered for gifts at the request of many, many friends and family members, but it didn’t matter whether we got a gift from the registry, a gift that the giver dreamed up, or no gift. Whatever.

We made some poor decisions (who could have guessed we would move overseas?), some givers made some terrible choices (the cheap knives with hot pink handles come to mind), and some of our friends in graduate school shared their company and nothing more. From our perspective, no gifts was the best outcome; people who know us know that we are minimalists. Unfortunately, this was a very difficult message to communicate to anyone over the age of about 50, who assumed that they knew what we wanted better than we ever could and that despite the passage of time, our lives would look a lot like theirs; namely, that we would immediately buy a house with lots of room to store decorative gee gaws and start having kids. They were wrong, but we love them anyway.

All that said, even though we got married locally, we were incredibly grateful when people mailed gifts to us instead of bringing them to the wedding. We ended up with far more boxes than would fit in our car, and were desperately conscripting people to bring gifts back with them until the end of the reception. It was not fun.

I view registries as an attempt by the wedding couple to be thoughtful; an effort to make things easier for people who want to give a gift but don’t want to spend a lot of time thinking about it or to go to a store. That’s certainly how we thought of ours. But if someone had wanted to perceive us as gift-grubbing greedy yuppies, I suppose our having a registry could have been perceived that way. I encourage everyone who feels that way to skip the wedding; everyone will be happier in the end.

I hate to hear gift givers and recipients so at odds with each other. I registered at three places that might be convenient to different friends and family members, but I hope that none of those who chose to buy us gifts off the registry resented giving the gift.

We did feel like registering was best in our situation. My mother keeps in touch well with hundreds of dear friends and extended family from other states, all of whom she wanted to honor with an invitation — there was absolutely no intent to show off or gift-grub; she just loves these friends and wanted to share our special day with them. With that many people, you really need something to help your guests to coordinate, so you don’t get the dreaded 18 toasters. Also, even though these friends know my mom very well, they didn’t know us as well, so those who wanted to would have had no idea what to send. A registry gave them ideas.

My husband and I love to cook, but had absolutely no cookware (we had four plates each, and that was about it). Telling our friends what cookware pieces we wanted, and especially having the ability to ask for pieces that didn’t have a nonstick coating (we’ve chosen to avoid Teflon for health reasons) means that we really do use everything we were given. We did lots of research and asked for individual pieces rather than sets, so I believe we will be enjoying these things 20 years from now and thinking of the generous friends who sent them.

I appreciated that I could change the mailing address for gifts a month before the wedding without bothering our guests — I moved several states away to start setting up house, and it was nice not to have to worry about moving gifts after the moving truck had left!

We did receive several lovely gifts that were not on the registry. These will be cherished no less than — and in certain cases, even more than — the ones we asked for specifically.

A wedding is not a time for bitterness and judging; it’s a time for celebrating. Give what you’re inspired to give (if anything), and receive what you’re given graciously (thank you cards are not optional!), but don’t bring a resentful attitude, whether you’re a bride or a guest.

I think the attitude of the article is a bit over the top. I’m a groom-to-be (26 days!) and have been told over and over a couple things about the registry.

First, instead of being impersonal by buying online and shipping it wherever, go to the store, buy the item wrap it yourself and bring it to the wedding with a card if you like.

Second, everyone knows that we are novices on the homemaking front, but we are more experienced than couples of yesteryear because more and more of us live out on our own a lot longer than they did.

Third, I fully expect to get homemade items and stuff not our our list from people. The list is for that person that never knows what to buy. Also, it’s good to note that anything not purchased from your registry can later be bought by the B&G at a discount at many stores.

Lastly, if you want to know the gift arrived, bring it yourself or ship with a signature required (upgraded shipping from the store site).

There’s a site called Alternative Gift Registry that allows people to register for personal, handmade gifts and contributions as well as store-bought goods. I don’t know anyone who’s tried it, but it seems like a stellar idea.

Greetings from Baghdad, Iraq! My fiance & I are over here together, and have been for the past 14 months. We are getting married in August, and have planned almost everything over email and the internet. Like some of the posters here, we have registered for a honeymoon. Why? We’ve been together almost 6 years, we have all the casserole dishes we need, and we want to visit a nice place that doesn’t blow up all of the time! ha! Courtesy of our friends and family, who want us to be safe – it’s the nicest wedding gift I can think of. Best wishes to all…

Our real gift will be to simply have guests; the wedding is going to be here in Los Angeles, but our families and friends are scattered across the country (and some around the world).

But we’ll probably have 2 registries: one for a down payment on a house, and the other for stuff. The Target registry (or Pottery Barn, or whatever — we don’t know yet) is mainly family members who are going to want to buy us a new toaster or something, though we have a lot of the basics from living together for years. We may as well get the toaster we want (and only one of them).

Wow, JD, I’m surprised this guest post made it onto your site. In addition to all of the “con” accusations being patently false, the implication of the article is rife with bad financial advise. Ignoring the requests of the couple only to give something they don’t want is simply wasteful spending.

Let’s say I’m getting married, and I put a toaster on my registry because I like toast and would like the ability to make it for myself. When Betsy sees this on my list, she determines that I’m being “arrogant” to think that I want a toaster. Based on her “generation or two” of experience, she decides to get me something else. Since she knows what’s best for me, and her “favorite wedding gifts are pottery and other handmade crafts,” she makes me a handmade pot. Unfortunately I have no use for a handmade pot and it just sits in my closet or I give it away sometime. Meanwhile I have to purchase my own toaster to make my toast. So Betsy has incurred the cost to make the pot, and I have had to buy my own toaster. From a pure personal finance perspective, Betsy just buying me the toaster in the first place is much less wasteful.

On weddings in general, no one should feel the need to buy a gift. Your presence at the couple’s celebration is the real gift. However, if you want to give something to help the couple start their life together, I cannot fathom a reason to ignore what the couple wants and substitute something you like better. To me, that is really “arrogant.”

I find it interesting that your registry of china and silver was perfectly ok, but today’s brides and grooms are just bossy greedy hacks. China and silver are expensive, seldom used items like you said, yet you registered for them.

It is polite to make registries, and completely pointless to waste your time doing it unless you put what you actually need or want on them. Brides and grooms understand that they won’t get everything they want and of course some people will think they know us better than we do and get us an ugly blender that we’ll be stuck with anyway. Those are just the breaks.

The charity thing really gets me. You must have some rich friends if you expect couples just starting out to be so well off they can ask people to give to charity. I love charities, but some couples, like me and my fiance need things and can only afford to donate time to charities at this point in our lives.

I’ve always written thank you notes, as do most people I know. Perhaps the problem is with the people you associate with.

The “personalized gift” situation happens mostly among close friends and family. My most treasured wedding gift was a quilt made by my best friend. Only she would have known our taste in decor well enough to make something so perfect for us. A registry is for guests who don’t know the couple extremely well–extended relatives, coworkers, and so on–and appreciate the guidance.

Another purpose not mentioned: sometimes couples register for items with no intention of anyone buying them, just to get the list completion discount to buy things themselves. This is common practice in my circle.

Well, what a huge and interesting set of replies to my post. Since I myself can see the pros and cons of registries, I’m not surprised to see the polarities represented.

A few points and clarifications. I live far, far away from any of the stores where people register, and often the weddings are out of town. I just presumed that if the registry is online, the idea is to shop online, and that in itself makes the gift giving impersonal. If I lived near the store and could pick the gift up and drop it off at the bride/groom’s home, that would be so much nicer and more personal, but I can’t think of a single time when this has been the case.

Re: relative hostility to older people possibly knowing anything a young couple might need or enjoy in the future – tastes change, guys. Life style changes over the years. I would never have guessed I would enjoy some of the beautiful serving pieces that were “off registry” but I use them all the time. It’s true that such gifts are much more hit-and-miss, but it’s also true that some gift GIVERS like to put some of their heart and soul into at least some gifts.

Also, I am relieved to learn that the hugely long lists on big box registries are forced on people by the store system. I agree with the poster that says these endless lists (3 x the number of guests!) look really, really greedy.

Lastly – if a couple has a wedding website and puts out a message of appreciation for any gifts, and then says “if you’d like to check out our registry, here’s the link”, I’m fine with that. It just seems like a lot of recent couples were much more directed, simply including the link along with info about the time and place, so one got the impression the registry serves as guest marching orders, not one option among many.

Bottom line – I think the tone the couple sets around a registry is key.
As are thank you notes! Emailed notes are fine by me.

Wedding registries are great, i think, because it is a good way to keep the kitchen items coordinate, and to receive things you don’t already have (or need to replace). As someone who has received some of the most hideous things from relatives in the past, it seems practical to tell them what you like!

However, I find it EXTREMELY tacky to have the locations of the registries on the wedding invitations.

They turn the invitations into a begging opportunity, which cheapens the occasion.

I understand that you want people to be aware of where you are registered, a task that is difficult to do without some notice. To me, the best compromise is to set up a wedding website with information about the location of the wedding, maybe a cute story about the proposal, how the couple met, etc., and then a section with info on the registries/needs of the couple. Put the web address in with the invitations (either printed on the card, or on a separate card) and call it a day!

Wedding registries are meant for conveniences; as are things like directions to the reception, church, etc. As much as you want to help out your guests, you wouldn’t print out a list of nearby hotels for your guest, and include it with the invitations, so why would you include the registry info?

I agree with a lot of what has been written so far. To me the biggest thing is expectations. I often get the impression that I’m expected to buy something off the registry or that I have to give a gift “to cover the cost of the meal and the reception hall”. This has been repeated to me by others as giving a gift is not an option but a requirement. Which is why I dread weddings and getting an invite to me is like receiving a bill in the mail.

In Germany it’s customary to include a little rhyme or other lightly worded phrase with the wedding invitation that asks the guest to please give cash if they want to offer a gift. Usually it also states what the cash is going to be used for, eg honeymoon, downpayment on house, etc. It’s interesting to see how different those customs are and how what is absolutely normal for some people is the rudest thing imaginable for others.

I got married a month ago, so this is fresh in my mind. We got very few presents from our registries. We both had several household items before we got married, and we didn’t need duplicates of those. That’s why we set up a registry, (in 3 different places to get a good and different selection) to fill out what we didn’t have yet. After the wedding, we went out and bought everything we did not get from our registry. Most of the wedding gifts we received were not that useful, or we got so many duplicates that we can’t use any of them.
We are “starving students,” so the money gifts were very appreciated.

A registry is great. You can pick out what you want and not get duplicates, which is such a hassle that we have not dealt with them yet.

We were told by all our families and friends that we had to register somewhere. We didn’t want tons of kitchen stuff since my husband and I had been living on our own and then with each other for nearly a decade.

So we registered with Amazon.com. It gives the people the option of buying things anonymously and sending a personalized note, plus we made sure it was clear to friends and family that the stuff on there was only recommendations of what we might like. We still got some kitchen stuff like a nice bowl and a couple serving trays, but it seems most people loved having the amazon guidelines via wishlist.

Also, as a young couple, the cold hard cash was really really appreciated. It’s allowed us to start our lives together completely financially stable with a good base of investments. The next wedding I attend, if they’re our age, I’m thinking I’ll do cash or a gift certificate. We really appreciated them, and I’d love to pass that on.
(By the way, my siblings didn’t give us anything for the wedding besides helping to set stuff up and take things down. And that was a great gift too because weddings are bloody crazy busy, even simple ones).

A pet peeve we have had so far is guests writing checks out to both of us, with my new married name. I don’t know what we would do if I was not changing my name. We have hundreds of dollars in checks waiting to be cashed because my name is not changed at the bank yet (and will not be for several more weeks). If you are going to do that, I’d recommend, “Groom OR Bride Last Name” instead of the “and”. That way, the groom can cash it.

I wince whenever I see someone say something contemptuous about a gift. I just find it incredibly tacky.

The purpose of giving gifts is not to obtain exactly what you want by the most efficient method. The purpose of giving gifts is to strengthen the connections between people. And while it happens that people give bad gifts out of passive-aggressive malice, a bad gift for any other reason is an act of kindness and affection, it is not something you are entitled to, and it should be received that way even if you really don’t want or need the thing.

I’m not against registries; I get that sometimes you invite your best friend from elementary school and her parents to the wedding, and she can’t be expected to have the faintest idea what to give you. But I AM against the idea that the people getting married are entitled to dictate what they’re going to get.

This is not a financial issue; this is a relationship issue. Relationships aren’t about efficiency.

Michelle (#79) – When I wrote a check to two friends for their wedding, I addressed it to Groom or Bride (using her maiden name). Another friend noticed me writing out the check that way and mocked me for implying that the wedding wouldn’t last and that one of them could run off with the money! But I knew from experience that it would make things so much easier on them.

I find it amusing that the writer of this piece doesn’t realize that registries have become a necessary evil because of gift givers like her.

The most successful gifts are those that will be used and loved by the receiver. It’s not about what you like (handmade pottery), but what the receiver would like (personally, I think handmade pottery is ugly). How hard is that to understand?

Also, to repeat what someone else has already said: ettiquette dictates that gifts should not be brought to a reception, but shipped ahead of time. This way no one has to lug the stuff around at or after the wedding.

Lastly, I appreciate the “experience” of my elders, but how does one determine that just because they’re older, they’re more qualified to decide whether or not I need a blender? Silly at best, condescending at worst.

I’m currently planning my own wedding, and I have to say that I really hate reading stuff like this. So judgemental about other people’s choices!

“Re: relative hostility to older people possibly knowing anything a young couple might need or enjoy in the future – tastes change, guys. Life style changes over the years. I would never have guessed I would enjoy some of the beautiful serving pieces that were “off registry” but I use them all the time. ”

This is the whole part of this discussion that’s really flooring me.

Look — I happen to think registries are a great thing in that it allows me to buy something I know the couple actually wants. I’d much rather do that, than take a stab in the dark. I do have a few issues with registries. (There are usually too few choices in my desired price range, which is $20-30 for just about anybody.) If there is no suitable option on their registry or no registry, my stock-in-trade gift is a nice silver frame.

However, I’m just not comfortable at all with the assertions that people who are older are somehow better able to predict what the couple are going to want, even though they don’t know it yet.

Sorry. Maybe that was true in a different time, given that the general life flow of a couple was that they would be setting up a home and moving much less frequently. And likely closer to the community (hence lifestyle lifecycle) of the older generations.

However, over the past few generations we’ve really broken down that model. People are simply living differently now.

Speaking for myself, I’m unmarried but I’m pushing 40. When I was young, part of my mother’s high school graduation present to me was 5 pieces of fine crystal serving dishes that she really scrimped to buy. She bought them for me as a symbol of the beautiful life she envisioned for me — one filled with a house, husband and throwing parties. It was very touching and for a long time I treasured that crystal.

Now, 28 years later, I’ve come to realize that this crystal is a problem. That lifestyle she envisioned has certainly never materialized — no house, no husband despite two different hopeful prospects that didn’t pan out, and no lavish, crystal-worthy entertaining. In fact, that style of entertaining really isn’t ME. I drag a piece of it out once every few years for some manufactured reason, and every time I do I resent the gift more.

And now that I’m working on emigrating to a different country, I have a really hard choice whether to drag the crystal along with me or hurt my mother by openly acknowledging that the crystal should go.

To me, my example is the same thing as buying wedding presents for a couple based on how you think their life will be based on your own experiences. You just can’t assume you know what lifestyles will be like anymore.

And given our cultural trends toward minimalistic, de-cluttered living and highly mobile lifestyles, it’s really dangerous to assume you know better than the couple themselves. I know speaking for myself, I’m just about at the point where I don’t even want Christmas or birthday presents introducing more stuff into my life. As it is, I’ve been coaching people to give consumable items like food and toiletries rather than stuff just so nobody has to deal with undesired clutter.

1. Registries are VERY helpful. As many said, the average guest doesn’t know what items are already owned by the couple. While the guest might be dying to give them a bundt pan or a set of candlesticks, the couple may already have a favorite candlestick and two bundt pans. Also, what you pick may clash with their decor and tastes. I am VERY wary of trying to discern someone’s taste unless I am close to them and am familiar with their tastes.

2. Couples should not expect gifts.

3. On our wedding webpage, which people LOVED, we said “many have been asking where we are registered, so we thought we’d list them here”.

4. I love knowing that what I’m getting them from their registry is something they will like and either need or want.

5. The failure to send thank you notes has nothing to do with registering or not registering. It’s the fault of the couple.

6. Proper etiquette recommends that guests send the gift and not take it to the wedding. I have adopted this for myself and choose to incur the cost of mailing a gift.

7. I have preferences, especially with cooking equipment, for brands and type. Cooking is a hobby for me, and I was grateful to be able to pick the brand, size, style, etc of kitchen equipment that I desired to use for hospitality and entertaining. There are items on which I read reviews and chose a brand for a particular reason. I’m not the only one like that.

8. I think couples should register for higher quality, long-lasting items. If they don’t receive them, that’s fine. They can put wedding money toward it. Those items will last a long time. I get a little frustrated when I see friends registering for cheap quality things when they could do much better. I think they’d feel guilty if they registered for more “expensive” things (ie $25 vs $12). I could be wrong though, they may truly like the items or are used to buying lower quality things and replacing them more often. This is just my opinion.

If it’s a shower invite, registry cards SHOULD be included! I mean, it’s a shower!

I know I am in the minority but I am happy to get wedding invitations with registry cards included (though I still would think it tacky if registry info was ON the invite itself). I do not often know the bride/groom’s parents to ask them, and don’t want to play telephone to do the ‘formal etiquette ask discreetly’ thing. Just tell me if you want gifts or not, and if so, from where.

Just because a registry is online doesn’t mean you have to order online – many stores will print out registry lists for you for the couple and you can buy from the store itself.

Oh and often, whatever is not bought from the registry by the wedding date can be bought by the bride/groom after the wedding, for a discount. BedBath&Beyond does this, for example. So even if we didn’t expect someone to pay $150 for something (again, for example), we’d include it on our registry to get 20% off of it afterward.

Im getting married in September and we are contemplating setting up an optional gift registry. We feel that some people might find it easier to shop for us if they know what we are looking for. But this is only optional.

Okay GRS readers, let’s make a pact: the next wedding gift we give a couple will be a one-hour session with a financial planner in their hometown. That’s something every couple can use, the information will (hopefully) be useful for years to come, and it might do more than any other gift in terms of making sure the marriage lasts!

It used to be that inviting folks to celebrate your big day with you was the gift of the happy couple to their friends. The gift of your presence made their celebration more meaningful to them.

It also used to be that the close friends and family(out of the goodness of their hearts) usually got together and ‘showered’ the newly married couple with gifts that would help them get started in their new life together. These gifts were usually practical, useful things that were related to setting up housekeeping together for the first time.

With prosperity and other societal changes, however, many couples tend to be financially better off than their parents generations were, often already owning all they need to set up housekeeping. For this reason, there has been a big shift in the types of gifts given.

Sadly, along with increasing prosperity has come a surge of greed and entitlement on the part of the soon-to-be-married couples. We’ve known couples in recent years that feel they deserve (and even expect) only gifts of their own choosing.

It’s just not as enjoyable ‘giving’ a gift to an over-indulged, spoiled child who whines, “That’s all?” after opening twenty gifts, or complains, “This wasn’t what I asked for!”…as it is to give something special to a person that you know will appreciate (if nothing else) the thought behind the gift, or acts as if you’ve inconvenienced them by giving them something they didn’t want. That really colors my opinion of a person, as it shows poor breeding and a total lack of tact and social graces.

These past few years, I’ve revamped my gift-giving. In selecting gifts for other people, I try to make the best possible selection for the person(s) I am giving the gift to. Is it something they will love? Is it something they truly need? Will it be a hassle if they wish to return it?

It’s nice to be able to consult a registry or ask a parent for ideas, but my rule of thumb is to give only useful, practical things, or to offer ‘services’ as their gift (photography (for a graduate’s senior pictures), videography (for weddings) or make a custom cake for the wedding, etc. always with GREAT success).

When in doubt, I just get a Gift Certificate to their favorite restaurant or store, or include a gift receipt attached to a purchased item for easy returnability.

Ultimately, I feel it should be left to the giver to give what they wish to give (doing their research to find something that would be useful and appreciated by the couple).

Gift recipients should always express their gratitude for the thoughtfulness of the gifts given them, even if they weren’t particularly thrilled with the gift they received. To do anything less shows a lack of tact and good breeding.

Phew–looks like the writer touched a nerve with this one! For me, registries are 100 percent appropriate, since even though it feels really greedy to make one, it is a convenience for most guests.

But lay off the top-of-the-line Calvin Klein 105,000 thread count sheets, please. As a very general rule of thumb, if your parents don’t have something that nice, you probably shouldn’t be registering for it.

And how about some practical advice? Vet the return policies of wherever you register. For instance, Target is ridiculously strict and limiting in their returns, while Bed Bath & Beyond takes things with no receipts that don’t even come from their stores. Not trying to plug, just help–it helped us a lot.

Wow with so many problems in the world, I am amazed that this is really of such concern to so many people. Buy whatever you want. Who really cares? But consider – the couple put a lot of thought and effort into planning an event that everyone can cherish and enjoy. Is it really so hard to get over yourself and buy a gift they’ve already indicated they could use? Seriously, you aren’t as knowledgeable about other people’s tastes as you think you are (everyone else is just too polite to tell you otherwise). Suck it up and buy the gift off the registry, and show up at the wedding and smile.

As for not being sure whether the couple received the gift – hello, package tracking, anyone? What century is this writer from?

Here is how it was done in 1973. I grew up in a small city. Brides & grooms registered at one nice store. The store put out a place setting of your chosen patterns on a lovely table, with your wedding date. There was no list beyond your silverware/china/crystal; the store recommended things which matched it, and of course you could easily exchange things there. They delivered gifts to your home every few days, all wrapped beautifully. In those days, brides and grooms were much younger, so the gift givers were mostly the age of our parents, not much peer to peer.
Our peers gave us all kinds of funky gifts, none from a registry. One of my favorites was classical music albums, but of course no one forsaw that a generation later albums would be obsolete.
Now brides and grooms are generally much older, the registries are electronic and much less personal, and people are much more mobile. Peers are older as well, and more affluent. Registries are certainly efficient for transferring wealth from guest to bride/groom, no question about that.
It’s just that they don’t do much, as was pointed out, for nurturing relationships.

I’m getting married Saturday, and I only did the registry thing because people kept asking me where I was registered.

I agree that it seems greedy to basically say, “Here’s what you should get me, I don’t trust your judgment.” I would rather someone put some thought into the gift and get me something unique and special rather than just checking something off a register. Unfortunately, tons of people wanted to use a register so I succumbed to it.

And really, it’s not about the gift, I just want people to celebrate with us on our special day.

Please don’t make assumptions about the bride (and perceived greediness) when you find out she’s registered somewhere. For many of us, it was only because people kept requesting it and expecting it.

I’m surprised by the insistence of many of you that it is bad etiquette to bring the gift to the wedding rather than ship it. I’ve never heard of such a rule. Certainly if I am going to an out of town wedding, I ship the gift, but I’m not going to mail it to someone in town, nor should you necessarily expect someone to drop it by the house ahead of time. This expectation is part and parcel of the disturbing sentiment (at least to me!) of many who have commented on here, namely that gifts are often an unwanted inconvenience for the receiver that leads more to resentment than joy. How terrible that you might have more gifts than can fit into your car after the reception! How inconsiderate that people decided to give you gifts! My sarcasm here is only to underscore how thankless and ungrateful such a perspective sounds. Also, count me in the camp that thinks asking for cash is tacky unless you have a very practical reason for doing so (you’re moving abroad, etc). I agree with those of you who insist that gifts should be about relationships, and people want to give you actual things that you will use in the future and hopefully think of them. Cash is so impersonal compared to that.

Registries are smart. So much gets wasted these days. Why not at least have the gift have half a chance of being wanted. I think they should do registries for birthdays and all holidays where gifts are involved as well. You pick out 10 things you want, knowing you’ll only end up with three of them-then there’s still an element of surprise involved!

Jane (#93)– not bringing gifts to the wedding is a very long-standing rule of etiquette. I’m not surprised you (and others) might not have heard of it but it was (and is) simply an act of courtesy. Particularly since many brides and grooms used to go directly from the reception to the honeymoon; the parents were the ones left to carry and store the gifts. I think there was also a sense (when this rule originated) that it was uncouth or garish to “show off” gifts at the event itself.

My first reaction was the same as the #2 comment from Sabina. I think its arrogant to assume you know more about what someone else wants/needs simply because you are older. And its not hostility towards the elderly to think so either.

Personally I think the general idea of a wedding registry is just fine. Its practical.

I’ve only used a gift registry once, as a guest, and I didn’t find it to be bad at all. I’m not sure why you say that the only choice is for the gift to be shipped – the 3 stores I used all had the option of shopping in store, online, or simply marking it as having been purchased. I bought in-store and brought it with me to the wedding (and it actually would have been nicer to just ship it – the wedding was out of state), and I enjoyed having a list of things I knew the couple would enjoy.

“It’s impersonal. No way to write a note to go with your gift, except electronically.”

What does that even mean? I always include a card with all of my wedding presents that are bought from the registry.

From my wedding, almost everything that wasn’t on the registry got returned because it either didn’t match (read: was ugly), or we got 5 of them. We don’t need 5 blenders. That is why registries exist.

I agree! When my husband and I got married last year, we didn’t do a wedding registry (mostly because we live in a one-bedroom condo and we don’t have much room for extra stuff). Some of the best gifts were not extravagantly priced (I think…). We received a picnic backpack which we love to bring during camping trips and road trips. We also received lots of thoughtful hand-made cards (we saved all of them, yes all!)

The one thing that I can’t stand when receiving wedding invitation is the registry card that comes with them. Etiquette wise, this is not to be included in the invitation (we vowed not to mention gifts at all prior to our wedding, answering only if people insist knowing what we want). I don’t like seeing people my age (20s) listing the extravagant, extremely pricey, and in my opinion unnecessary, items they put on wedding registries. I mean, is a $300 Kitchen Aid mixer from Bloomingdales really that much better than a $20 hand mixer from Target? If you bake everyday, that might be worth it but I personally don’t know anyone who does that much baking (unless of course, they own a bakery!)

Thank you for a much needed post

* Note: We come from Chinese families so tradition calls for red envelopes, which contains money. We were able to buy my husband a car with the cash (his dream, a Miata) as his old one broke down. The rest remains in a CD

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