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Author
Topic: Post HIV Sex Life - Advice Please (Read 8260 times)

Since becoming infected and diagnosed within the last 3 years I have used a condom everytime I've had sex. But I've noticed something that started after I was diagnosed.

I get hard and stay hard during foreplay.

When it comes time for me to enter my partner, the condom comes out.

Either the minute the condom is revealed or it touches my cock, I go soft.

I'll get hard again in most cases, but in some cases I get so frustrated that mood is killed. Even when I get hard again, we have to work at it and that much work just to get hard can kill the mood too.

If we avoid condoms, everything goes fine. And, by avoid condoms, I mean oral and manual stimulation. We always practice safer-sex for intercourse.

I had been thinking that it was that the condoms don't feel as good as skin on skin but that doesn't make sense.

Tonight, afer/during sex, I finally realized what is going on. Before I was diagnosed condoms where a way to keep me from catching hiv. The condoms were my friends. Now, condoms are symbol an hiv invasion. It's not a way anylonger to keep me safe but a way to protect the rest of the world from me. They symbolize that I am now the one carrying the dangerous virus. I have been saying how much I hate condoms, but what I realize is that the condoms represent HIV which I hate.

I have seen postings by people who dont' have sex because they are scared to infect someone else. I haven't experienced that as I've only been with one person since being diagnosed and we have a very active sex life. I love sex.

It bothered me so much that I went to the doctor. Did a full physical, checked my wanker, etc... There is nothing physically wrong with me.

Has anyone else developed the idea that the condoms are a now a symbol of HIV or something close to this and have you started to have issues? What did you do to handle them?

I have to say I think most us guys have hated condoms since highschool. Even before being poz, I would go soft trying to get it on. George on Seinfeld had this problem. I remember switching to large condoms and it helped--I'm not saying I needed large. I think I'm pretty average but the regular ones were too tight. The large were a little loose and felt better.

As for the psychological aspect after diagnosis-- I do feel the same way. I have to use this thing to protect the world (my partner) from HIV. I can't have natural sex anymore. Besides being in love, many of us get into monogamous relationships so we don't have to worry about using condoms. I understand completely where you're coming from on this. Not to get too personal here, but I sometimes get nervous and go soft because my partner wants me to "let go" on him. I'm trying to keep this g-rated..lol.

This is the thing that bothers HIVers about being told ya can't even have unprotected sex with your HIV poz partner. If my partner were poz, I would want to have unprotected sex. However, experts say that would be bad idea. It just sucks big time. Someone told me to masterbate with condoms to make them a turn-on...something I associate with getting off. Maybe ya could try that??

you are right, i've hated condoms forever which is why i thought this was the case originally ...

i just switched to the smaller thinner condoms tonight because i thought if it was tighter it would feel better .... we broke three just getting them on (i'm not average) ... which is what prompted all this introspection and revelation ... i'm just surprised that i now see condoms as a sign of my hiv status ...

heck, if my partner were poz, i'd toss out the condoms in a heart beat but we are a magnetic and i want to keep him safe ...

Viagra or Tadalis will certainly work.You are going soft when you put the condom on because it makes you think about HIV and takes you away from the connection. That's my guess. It seems pretty human. Any doctor or psychiatrist will first wonder if impotence is emotional, while also doing a check for physical causes. At your age and because you say you are hard, then the condom "issue" comes up and your willy goes down. So its an emotional issue. I personally don't think its about the feel of sex with a condom.One time in the mid eighties i was petrified of AIDS and had a lover who was sick and he was scared of transmission and he told me to put two condoms on, thats right, silly of us, but anyway I doublewrapped and really really wanted him all the time and was always rock hard and never felt those condoms. It's in the mind.

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

For me it's always the change in concentration, before the condom comes out you're thinking about ..."sexy time" LOL and so your thought process is all about what you're doing and what your partner is doing. Once you change gears to "Ok, I need to get this damn thing open, and now I need to put it on" it starts going down. To make matters worse if you've had the problem before performance anxiety starts to kick in.

My advice? Don't stop making out with your partner when you're trying to put the condom on and open the package before the time comes so all you have to do is pull it out and unroll it.

Wow, please don't buy viagra or take without discussing it with your doctor first. It's not suitable for everyone.

The method Ted suggests is one employed by sex-therapists. Masturbating with a condom on will help you re-associate condoms with sex instead of with hiv. Download some porn and crack a few off. You may have to be persistent with this method and use it regularly for several weeks.

You can also incorporate the act of putting the condom on into your foreplay. Make putting on the condom sexy. It may also help to have the condom outside of the wrapper and ready at the bedside (or where-ever!). Having to stop and rip the wrapper open can interfere with the mood of the moment even when a person doesn't have any "issues" with condom use. Good luck!

This is the thing that bothers HIVers about being told ya can't even have unprotected sex with your HIV poz partner. If my partner were poz, I would want to have unprotected sex. However, experts say that would be bad idea. It just sucks big time.

And a lot of people - especially those of us in a committed relationship - ignore this "expert" advice. I know my poz partner and I do. Unless one of the partners has a resistant virus that is not being suppressed with meds, there's no real reason to use condoms unless there's barebacking (with the risks of other STIs) going on outside of the relationship.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

@Hellraiser ...yes, you are right about performance anxiety but i think it's a combination of anxiety and this this feeling of an emotional balloon deflating ... kinda like, "damn, i gotta put this on"... i'm talking about a partner who is poz, not a trick ... since i tend to be a serial monogomist and can happily stay with the same guy for teh rest of my life, i'm ok with it ... if i were tricking, condoms go on ...

@mecch .. the doctor gave me cialis but even that doesn't always help since even with those drugs, once the concentration is gone, it's over for me ... i'm one of those sex should be fun and enjoyable people ... after we have ended up having to work so hard to get me hard again the fun kinda goes away and it starts to become a mission ... Mission: Get me hard and cum ... lots of pressure then ...

@Bluemoon ... got the cockring .. thankfully my partner isn't opposed to the whole sex toys thing (i used to date a guy who only wanted a real cock) ... i'll pull out my cock ring and see if that works, it's just that i've been told those can cause damage so the use is usually limited ...

@at all ... i agree with the assessment it is probably psychological ... i know that if i'm tired or dehydrated things don't always work right but under normal circumstances, it should just move along ... i agree with you that it's a mental block

Wow, please don't buy viagra or take without discussing it with your doctor first. It's not suitable for everyone.

The method Ted suggests is one employed by sex-therapists. Masturbating with a condom on will help you re-associate condoms with sex instead of with hiv. Download some porn and crack a few off. You may have to be persistent with this method and use it regularly for several weeks.

You can also incorporate the act of putting the condom on into your foreplay. Make putting on the condom sexy. It may also help to have the condom outside of the wrapper and ready at the bedside (or where-ever!). Having to stop and rip the wrapper open can interfere with the mood of the moment even when a person doesn't have any "issues" with condom use. Good luck!

And a lot of people - especially those of us in a committed relationship - ignore this "expert" advice. I know my poz partner and I do. Unless one of the partners has a resistant virus that is not being suppressed with meds, there's no real reason to use condoms unless there's barebacking (with the risks of other STIs) going on outside of the relationship.

don't' worry, i'm not going to buy drugs and use them ... my doctor did prescribe viagra and it gives me a splitting headache ...

the reprogramming method (porn and j/o) actually sounds plausible .. i can't believe it's taken me two years to figure this one out ... i thought it was that i was getting old or something physical but nothing physical has been found ... i should have thought psychological a while back ... sometimes i'm so dense LOL

i agree with you about the partner, barebacking thing .... my partner and i talked about this last night ... i miss being with him without condoms and so does he ... he's neg ... but unless one of our status change, condoms it is ...

i'll pull out my cock ring and see if that works, it's just that i've been told those can cause damage so the use is usually limited ...

An ex-partner had one that was size-adjustable and it also had a quick-release mechanism. Both of these functions were (allegedly) meant to reduce the risk of possible damage. Wearing one for an extended period of time is not recommended.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

An ex-partner had one that was size-adjustable and it also had a quick-release mechanism. Both of these functions were (allegedly) meant to reduce the risk of possible damage. Wearing one for an extended period of time is not recommended.

yep, i have one of those as well but the style i've got is not exactly what i need ... i guess time to cockring shopping ...

what is an extended period of time? at what point does it become unsafe?

thanks for the information so far ... anything else anyone else has that can help my brain is already appreciated ....

i'll pull out my cock ring and see if that works, it's just that i've been told those can cause damage so the use is usually limited

the worse that'll happen is you'll have a bruised penis. Wearing it for several hours - and staying hard - is what can cause the bruising. I've only had it happen twice and that was after the six-hour mark. if those things really caused serious damage, leatherman's penis would have been broken 20+ yrs ago. LOL

reading this thread has been rather interesting because I'm nearly having the opposite problem. During my last relationship, we believed my late partner was negative (foolish us for not having him tested. but that's another story), so I've been using rubbers for 18+ yrs now since I tested poz. (I had only used them on and off before that. Doh!) Recently I began to date another pozzie and we're NOT using condoms. It's freaking weird! I've actually been having some mild performance anxiety; but nothing I couldn't overcome of course. (leatherman does admit that a few healthy doses of poppers helped the situation too. LOL)

The good thing about my issues, and your issues, as they are just mential issues, is that all is takes is a caring partner and a lot of practice to overcum the situation.

Logged

leatherman (aka mIkIE)

All the stars are flashing high above the seaand the party is on fire around you and meWe're gonna burn this disco down before the morning comes- Pet Shop Boys chart from 1992-2015Isentress/Prezcobix

what is an extended period of time? at what point does it become unsafe?

The general consensus seems to be 20-30 minutes, although I've known some men to wear them for longer with no ill consequences. Try googling "cockring safety" - there's loads of reputable sites with info on cockrings.

Ann(who just realised what she should have bought for her partner's birthday yesterday)

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I agree with Hellraiser, the act of putting on a condom can be a real mood killer. When I had to use condoms I would always make sure everything was opened and placed nearby for easy access. You practically need a crowbar to get into a condom these days, so having it opened already can relieve some of the pressure of "the situation".

thanks skeebo ... it's a good practice and it's true, that the disruption of putting on a condom can kill the mood, in my case it's that the condom now represents hiv ... no one really likes condoms, but i've begun to associate the condom with having hiv ...

i'm putting together a game plan based on all these awesome comments ... keep the comments coming and hopefully i'll do the same

You could also bottom if you go soft. Might keep the juices flowing until you get your mojo back eventually. Since you say you are a "top" you probably have extra performance anxiety at the moment. Time to evolve a bit and be a "versatile" (e.g. big bottom) for awhile and discover more about your sexuality - its hardly just putting it in.

« Last Edit: February 07, 2010, 11:12:11 AM by mecch »

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

I agree with TednLou about using a larger size condom. If you are average, go up to Magnums, they will fit fine and not slip off, and feel 100% better. If you normally use a MAgnum, go up to MAgnumXL. or try the Kimono Large. Of course, If you go to a larger size, try them out by masturbating in them just to be sure this will work for you. Also first time using a larger condom in your partner go slow and pay close attention to how it fits during sex to avoid an accident (this can be fun and may add to the sex play, "hey lets try these, how does it feel, do you like that?, etc...)

Just experiment with different condoms/sizes and find something that works.

It worked for me.

Also the masturbating with condoms is an excellent idea. I try to do that frequently to keep me "interested" in condoms, on the off-chance that I find a partner

I try to do that frequently to keep me "interested" in condoms, on the off-chance that I find a partner

-Will

I agree with the condom size thing ... i went smaller so that it would be tighter ... once we finally got one on it actually felt better but length was an issue ... i've used magnums for over 10 years so experimentation is goign to be a part of it ...

as for your comment about finding a partner ... from our conversations, i think you will definitely find one ... you seem like a great guy and anyone who ends up with you will be lucky ...

Well think it over. I'll bet that if being a bottom cuts your mood, that same cutting mechanism is related someohow to the HIV cutting your mood. Since you ask a bottom to take you, why can't you learn to take your lover? Sexuality is 100% evolving and if it isn't evolving AND you have HIV, its gonna be a rut of frustration.

Logged

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Thank you to everyone who posted ideas and strategies to help deal with the condom/hiv issue ... I'm gonna give them a try and see what happens ... I think that just acknowledging it and discusing/exploring the issue has been a great help .... now, just use the information.

I don't have much to contribute other than that my boyfriend and I don't use condoms and my numbers are steadily going to where they should be. Even before I was in a relationship I would only sleep with other people that were poz and never had a problem. It does sound like a good idea to try and use a larger condom. Curious to see how that works. Good luck.

It is funny that I remember having a condom in my wallet at like age 13. That condom was a turn-on..thinking of when you'd actually use it. Then, you experience natural sex and condoms were never the same again.

I wish ya good sex. Viagra gave me a bad headache too and dried my sinuses out really bad when I tried it. I didn't like it. It did give me the biggest erection ever just from rubbing against my underwear, but the side-effects were bad. Others probably do fine. I'm glad you're trying other things. Cock rings are good. I've got one of those that are studded and snap on. Maybe something inserted to pleasure your prostate would help--unless you don't like things in there. Okay, I feel like Dr. Ruth here, so I'll go.

It is funny that I remember having a condom in my wallet at like age 13. That condom was a turn-on..thinking of when you'd actually use it. Then, you experience natural sex and condoms were never the same again.

Since becoming infected and diagnosed within the last 3 years I have used a condom everytime I've had sex. But I've noticed something that started after I was diagnosed.

I get hard and stay hard during foreplay.

When it comes time for me to enter my partner, the condom comes out.

Either the minute the condom is revealed or it touches my cock, I go soft.

I'll get hard again in most cases, but in some cases I get so frustrated that mood is killed. Even when I get hard again, we have to work at it and that much work just to get hard can kill the mood too.

If we avoid condoms, everything goes fine. And, by avoid condoms, I mean oral and manual stimulation. We always practice safer-sex for intercourse.

I had been thinking that it was that the condoms don't feel as good as skin on skin but that doesn't make sense.

Tonight, afer/during sex, I finally realized what is going on. Before I was diagnosed condoms where a way to keep me from catching hiv. The condoms were my friends. Now, condoms are symbol an hiv invasion. It's not a way anylonger to keep me safe but a way to protect the rest of the world from me. They symbolize that I am now the one carrying the dangerous virus. I have been saying how much I hate condoms, but what I realize is that the condoms represent HIV which I hate.

I have seen postings by people who dont' have sex because they are scared to infect someone else. I haven't experienced that as I've only been with one person since being diagnosed and we have a very active sex life. I love sex.

It bothered me so much that I went to the doctor. Did a full physical, checked my wanker, etc... There is nothing physically wrong with me.

Has anyone else developed the idea that the condoms are a now a symbol of HIV or something close to this and have you started to have issues? What did you do to handle them?

Thank you for any insights.

I hate condoms and still won't use them. I am a bottom and DON'T fuck a guy. So no need for me to use them. I won't for oral. I refuse to suck on rubber. I basically have given up sex cause its just nasty. To many diseases now to even enjoy it.

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

I hate condoms and still won't use them. I am a bottom and DON'T fuck a guy. So no need for me to use them. I won't for oral. I refuse to suck on rubber. I basically have given up sex cause its just nasty. To many diseases now to even enjoy it.

Wow, just wow!

edited to add: Now I get it. Sexual gratification through thread necrophilia.