i've been thinking about dying way too much lately... all i think about when i'm driving is what could go wrong and how quickly i could just disappear... off an embankment here, crushed by a big rig there... it might have something to do with how i almost crashed earlier this week, but i've had these thoughts running through my head since before that. it's kinda scary. everytime i drive over an overpass i see my car flying to the freeway below and my car bursting into flames. the fear isn't debilitating, it's more like a passing thought, an expected occurance...

somehow i have no money again. i haven't been using my card, and i save half my paycheck, but i have no idea where the thousand dollars i have made so far at olive garden has gone. i have saved two hundred. a good three hundred more went to drugs and bank fees (mostly bank fees, i have had ten overdraft fees of ten bucks a piece and then the sixty dollar withdrawal charge...)my mom yells at me at least once a day about money. i love food and coffee... i can't just save money. i have bought so far this summer : 1 pair of jeans and 2 shirts. that's the only material items... and still all that money is gone. oh well. at least i got a grant this year from the state. that should help out a lot.

it's hot as fuck in sacramento. i can't wait to go back to LA.

oh yea, my car is in the shop because of the near=crash and it's gonna cost probably five hundred dollars. that i don't have.

i had an 80's party on saturday. i got smashed and bombed and i forget half of the night. but apparently i was an "entertaining dancer" and people enjoyed themselves. i kissed adam too, don't remember that one... whatever. i'm done with guys. i don't have the energy. let them find me. i'm not looking anymore. i was upset that almost all (90 percent) of my friends are in a good relationship and i have had a series of bad experiences, but i'm mostly over it now.

i just want to get high everyday and listen to the beatles and chill the fuck out. i don't want to meet new people, i have been having enough trouble keeping the friends i have.

i've realized that since i have gotten close to twenty overdraft protection fees on my bank account, at ten dollars a piece, and then since i recently got a sixty dollar "excessive transaction fee," i am going to leave my check card at home and only bring ten dollars out every night. hopefully it will work...?

i finished painting two bathrooms and a hallway last week. next up is my bedroom.

worked a lot yesterday. worked the day before and today and tomorrow. my check is gonna be fat.

i think i need to find something to do instead of drinking to have fun. when i'm at school it seems normal and healthy and all part of the experience. but at home, it seems kind of reckless...

i think i'm pulling away from a lot of my friends here, and becoming more solitary. i'm still social, but i'm not really with them when i hang out, i'm just in their presence. bob doesn't return my calls. marisa is barely a friend anymore and not my best one by a mile. jeff seems really distant and preoccupied...

i'm not saying these things cuz i want them to change. i was upset about them before, but now i'm just kinda accepting them.

it's going to be really hard to go back to LA. i guess it won't be harder than when i moved the first time and didn't konw anyone, cuz now i will know at least a few people, scratch that one person, megan.

i have been trying to keep my days filled with activities and friends, but the past month seems like a blur. i can't remember what i did three nights ago, because it was the same thing i did every night before that. last week i had one of the worst days of my life in attempt to escape the monotony.

i talked to chris on friday. he said he would call me on saturday. he didn't. i haven't seen him since last friday.

i told scott goodbye. by told, i mean wrote a message. and i deleted him from my phone.

today i found out that i alienated and hurt one of my best friends without even knowing it. my first response was anger and denial, but now i'm just really upset about it. i don't treat him like an equal friend, and i feel like a fucking asshole for it. and i regret it and am sorry.

driving home tonight, i cried to the beatles song mentioned above. i started thinking about the people i call my friends, and i honestly believe that almost all of them are lonely. and i don't know why. it seems stupid that i know so many people, and yet i feel so totally alone. and i think they feel the same. going about daily routines, being cordial and polite, i haven't had a real conversation with anyone in a very long time. i've had emotional ones, but that was just over petty ordeals.

i thought that when i went to college, i could be myself, find someone, and be happy. it seemed like it was all going to work out, i mean i had been in LA for about a week and i already had my first date with a great guy. but that never became what i thought it would, and neither did the next one with alex, or the next one with scott, or the next one or the next...

i don't know if being with a guy is the answer, but all i fucking want right now is for this feeling to subside and i'm sure it will by morning when the sun comes up and i go to work again...

friday i went over to k's house for his aloha luao... it was good times :) arlo got fucking wasted before kristian even showed up, oh well. the highlight for me was the dolphin pinata and then of course playing charades.

yesterday i had my first official day of work at the garden... it was stressful in the beginning because the servers were mean, but then i got over it and after six hours i was good.

after that i went home, picked up mel and fantasia (aka heather) and we ventured down to theart and ran into tracy + friend and then genaro. we read the spicy personals in sn&r... my favorite went something like this: "do you need a hot stick to cool down your buns? my uncut italian suprise is waiting..." we were laughing so hard.

then leo was going to a party for some chick at the garden's birfday, so i dropped of the biz-natches and went over to his place and we went to the party. it was most definetely a frat party posing as a birthday party... with straightness oozing everywhere. two seperate people slammed their beer bottles on someone else's (leo being one of the victims), sending beer everywhere and also glass shattering all over the floor. whew. then the cops came around one thirty for some unknown reason since the majority of the people were over 21, with the execption of the 15 yr old... haha. so yea, we left and i went home and slept.

today i painted till about two, then slept until just now.

i have three canker sores, i think they're from the cloves. i should probably stop.

i think i'm gonig to coffee with the babe tonight and then over to meg's with marisa.

we'll see.

it's been weird with jeff gone, i don't know what to do with myself. miss ya babe <3

i want to write about a lot of things, but i don't know where to start or how to pull them all apart. maybe later. oh well. for now, i will spend my days laying in the sun, working, and sleeping.

jeff and i showed up to thom-sass's twenty-fourth bday bash... adam greeted us at the door wearing a pink boa, tight pants, eyeliner, and a cute little face. we stayed for probably two hours... the highlight of which being

jeff and i showed up to thom-sass's twenty-fourth bday bash... adam greeted us at the door wearing a pink boa, tight pants, eyeliner, and a cute little face. we stayed for probably two hours... the highlight of which being <b><a [lj2] href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/_cirque/">sarah</a></b> crashing through the patio door and falling in the middle of the room, or sarah showing her underwear to everyone in the room... oh drunken little girl...we left at midnight and i dropped jeff off at his house... and then drove to...

<u>party number two</u>location: the boondocks... somewhere between lincoln and newcastlegroup: about eight people... the girls and chris were cute, but the boys were a little, "country."music: system of a down, rehab, incubus

chris said he was at a party at his friend lana's grandma's house (she was housesitting)... so i go out there and wow is this party crackin'. cuz i had to drive home, i only had like one glass of my two buck chuck, but everyone drank the rest... i didn't mind though. they were only doing it cuz they ran out of miller/bud/whatever they were drinking... so yea...

chris and i went out back to the "swamp" which was the swimming pool that was green and only a quarter full, and it wsa complete with toads and other amphibians. we chilled for a while, smoked some cloves, and then lana's cousin had an idea. yes ladies and gentlemen, he had the brilliant idea to go....

cow tipping.

i didn't actually know people did that, i thought i was an urban legend, designed to make hicks seem more, well, hickish. but they indeed enjoy doing it... so i went along and fortunately all the cows were awake so we couldn't tip them, but seriously... that was crazy. after that the party got a little less crrrrazy and i went home around four.

today i'm going over to jeffy's for his party, but alas i will not be drinking yet again cuz i have decided to leave for LA at six am tomorrow... woot!i will be staying saturday and sunday night, and then leaving early monday cuz i have to be back for training at the olive garden in the afternoon.

last night since everyone was busy or decided to tell me they wanted to hang out and then wait until ten thirty to say they are too tired... i decided to just hang out with myselfi drove down to true love, ordered a strawberry love latte and oreo cheesecake, and sat down to continue reading an old favorite, catch 22

aside from the slutty girl wearing one of those little yellow cotton skirts trying to spark conversation in line and then coming over to my table to ask me what i was reading (i think it was the diesel jeans... they're magnetic), the evening was nice and peaceful.

today i swam again, saw a cute boy but was too shy to say anything to him. made enchiladas. talked to bob, and apparently he doesn't want to go to LA anymore, so i wonder why he volunteered in the first place...

now i'm just sitting here, waiting for you to come on home, and turn me on.

thursday i didn't do much... chris came over and watched the banger sisters and he spent the night

friday we tried to find an 80's party in yuba city until we gave up around two and drove back to roseville to watch under the tuscan sun

saturday i went over to pat and steph's for their bbq and then hung out with jeff and meghan, and then went back to pat and stephs to watch blood and black lace, a french horror film from the sixties

sunday i didn't do anything much, went to crossroads with melanie and sold a couple shirts, made five bucks, and then bought a pair of diesel jeans with the money, and a bunch more. but they were only fourty two dollars... therefore the price was right. then we headed out to t heart and met jeff and leo there, and then after reading the silly personals went to leo's and played taboo and mel was on my team, so the loss was expected.

monday i had my interview at the olive garden and i got the host job :) then i went to red robin with bob and k and drove dwntn to play cards at true love <3, followed by jeff and leo coming over to kick my ass at trival pursuit dvd edition, oh well

tuesday i had orientation at ogarden... it was at three so of course i woke up at two :) it lasted till like six fifteen, when i got a call from tracy inviting me on a date to see the producers downtown that night with her, so of course i couldn't pass up the opportunity. unfortunately it was rush hour and i needed to go home, shower, eat, change, and drive back to arden within an hour. i managed, but it involved creative side street usage and 90 mph freeway driving, along with eating bel air chinese food in two minutes. the show was fucking hilarious... totally not all proper and stodgy like usual theatre performances that i have been to. plus i got a chance to chat with an old friend :) i got home around eleven and called chris, but apparently he was going out to dinner (at that time? wtf...) and jeff was hangin' with a boy, bob was hangin' with his boy, so i decided to have a glass of chiraz and watch the bourne identity for the first time and admire matt damon's lovely body... and then drifted off to sleep.

today i woke up, got a smog check for fucking sixty dollars (INSANE!) and then came back home and did some chores and kept sorting all our pictures... i'm gonna organize them and make an album for my mom. there are some amazingly adorable ones... and some that i jsut looked at and started crying, heh. le sigh. now i'm waiting for my mom to come home with dinner and then i dunno what i'm gonna be doing tonight... depends on what the peeps are up to.

oh and i am almost definetly going to LA this weekend with bob since i don't start work till monday the fifth. woot!i get to see all my amigos!

finished up all my finals and they went moderately well, i ended up with an A in enviro and an A- in italiano, i don't know about geo yet.

went clubbing on thursday night at tigerheat with ryan, rafi, robert, rafi's friend, and i. it was alright, i got quite drunk and ended up not going to bed until like three thirty and then waking up two hours later for work, still drunk. woot.

friday i took another final and then went to sythetic & beat it (electro & 80's)... we (ryan, justin, mikey, robert, jesse and i) saw ( dirty sanchezCollapse ) and freezepop... i like both their music but sanchez put on a waaaay better show. DINNER PARTY DINNER PARTY!

then i had to do all my goodbyes... i miss all of you a lot. sacto is so boring compared to LA, but i have a couple people here who are making it bearable.

so yea, i got some money from my mom's fiancee for finishing my first year... wOOt! ipod anyone?

sunday night i went over to kristian's with bob and we played kings and then truth or dare, and i was the only sober one, fun times. i deepthroated a banana and i was damn good too!

monday i didn't do much, went to coffee with mel and ran into miles and sara, that was a pleasant suprise. then i hung out with jeff at leo's and we watched the dangerous lives of altar boys, after leo lied and said it was funny. fucking bastard.

tuesday jeff, barret, leo and i went to go see saved! cuz i couldn't wait any longer. it was uber funny, i totally enjoyed it.

last night bob, kristian, heather brown and i went to chevy's on the river and enjoyed a sour watermelon margarita and talked about dehydrators. then i went back home to change for the club and picked barrett up at her house and we left from there. we met jeff, kristin, some girl that i apparently knew (oops), karmy! and raychel there. bob and kristian were supposed to go but they left because there was some confusion and i took too long at barrett's. since i drove i was sober again, and boy did i need a drink...i was hoping i wouldn't see scott there because if he was that meant that he didn't want to see me otherwise he would've called me and said hey i'll see you at the club or something because we still haven't seen each other since i have been back, and he's making it pretty obvious he has no desire to see me. what the fuck. i just don't understand this whole thing at all. i don't understand how it can go from so good to so bad without anyone telling me. why the fuck can't people just say what they are thinking and not just placate the other person and keep them wondering forever... ahhh... more on this to come in a ranting entry later.

so yea, we left early cuz i really didn't feel like dancing, and i don't know if everyone else was done too or they were just saying that cuz i was visibly upset... oh well. i'm sorry to you guys if you left just cuz of me. so i got home and listened to the notwist and took four sleeping pills and slept for twelve hours. i wish i was still sleeping, but i have to take my mom to the airport in like twenty minutes... she's going to the playboy jazz festival in hollywood this weekend. looks like i will finally be able to get drunk, and boy, you don't even know how drunk i'm gonna get.

tonight bob, kristian, heather, arlo, and some questionables are gonna come over and we are gonna drunk it up.

then either friday or sat jeff and some of his friends are coming... i'm excited for it to be like old times... drunking and drunking.

okay, enough of this, i won't be updating as often because there won't be much to talk about, but if there is any excitement at all going on, i'll keep you all posted. ciao loves.

by the way, thanks to you for what you gave me. it really meant a lot to me. i'll never forget you.

i really can't begin to explain all this... i feel so sad just reading my friends page today. my heart goes out to you all... i feel so helpless and insincere and stupid.

amigos de queso:

*I'm so tired of this.... all of it. Too many little things adding up.

*I hate how you check me out when I'm paying attention to what you're doing. I can't stand most of your jokes... But I do like the way you smile when you see me. Like the whole rest of the world doesn't matter...It's not because I don't care about you, it's because I care about you that much.

*Tonight was a culmination of that self-pity and a lot of bitterness and sadness... I just don't know what's going on in my own head and I hate myself.

*this is the third classmate to have died in the last year. i know this is cliche to say, but it is really fucking true. make sure your loved ones know who they are. take time to tell them that you care.

*Why should I dwell in the past and try to recapture my intense -- albeit brief -- bout of happiness? Rather than attempt to fill the void with a doppelganger, I've decided to be empty for a little while. ('A long while' is actually the goal, but one cannot plan one's life out entirely, as I have come to discover.)

*"IF everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then we'd have peace"*~*~*John Lennon*~*~*

first of all, it was cold as hell when i left my seminar at noon, so i decided instead of braving the elements to go all the way on campus with the protection of a meager t-shirt, i went to my room and cuddled up undercovers :)

then i had to go to campus and re-take a quiz i missed, and stopped by work on my way back, got some nice hot apple cinnamon tea, and fell asleep in my room.

now, i'm going to dinner and after that, i have sooo much work to do, le sigh. i have two papers due next week that i haven't started, i have two one hundred page readings, i have two italian compozione to do, i have geology homework... the list goes on and on. le sigh

at least it's a three day weekend... yay for memorializing. plus it's my mom's birthday (so i have to get her something) and she'll be down here and i'm going to the oc for the weekend to be with her. i think i might be able to get my work done better there so it will be good.

from evesdropping i just heard that the jew will NOT be staying in our room tonight or tomorow... that is some of thebest news i have heard in a long time.

till later.

in a related story, anyone who has their phone ring set at the 1812 overture should be killed.

work today took forever and a day... i hate eight hour shifts on the weekend because it is unbelievably slow... oh well, i finally got to finish a crossword! with some help from the customers though... but seriously, as if any of you know what a fucking KOAN is! fuck those daily bruin bastards.

work today took forever and a day... i hate eight hour shifts on the weekend because it is unbelievably slow... oh well, i finally got to finish a crossword! with some help from the customers though... but seriously, as if any of you know what a fucking KOAN is! fuck those daily bruin bastards.

yesterday i went to souplantation with <b><a [lj2] href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/silvereurorain/">ryan</a></b> and his friend mikey... it was good except for the usual annoying kid bastards... although one of them was fucking hilarious looking... he had a <lj-cut text="rat tail"><img src="http://www.jonsthoughtsoneverything.com/photos/ratTail.jpg"></lj-cut>

from there we drove aimlessly around westwood before ending up, yet again, at blockbuster. after spending a half hour not agreeing on anything because it all sucked/we had already seen it, we decided to get a movie so bad it would be entertaining... hence: <i>crossroads</i>, britney spears' emotional journey of becoming a woman.

after watching that and then getting pretty, we went to <b><a [lj2] href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/somthingscatchy/">justin's</a></b> apartment and preceded to do some pre-party drinking. i ended up drinking a bottle of chuck, what a suprise... so needless to say i was the only one drunk... they were all kinda intoxicated, and then we headed over to the party.

it was up in hollywood hills at this old gay man's mansion... i personally get weirded out by old fags who give a bunch of young boys alcohol, but hey, free booze is free booze. so we get there and go up to the house and wow. it was so nice, and it had the best view of LA i have ever seen... it was all pretty and lit up, and you could see downtown skyline... it made me not hate this city as much. so since i was already drunk, i barely drank at all at the party, but ryan and the rest all drank some... the party was good... about 75 gay boys, three hags, and ten old men... i luckly succeeded in avoiding all the old ones.

oh yea, apparently the bastards at the party all thought i was like fifteen, i was so mad when brian told me that later in the car. whatever... i do not look fifteen! i might have sand in my vagina as i was told by justin... but i am of age. so there.

so anyway, we stayed there from about eleven to two... and then we went back home... and i had to be uber quiet as the jew was sleeping... he is so mean. i didn't really sleep well though, my neighbors were up till FUCKING DAWN talking... grrr... well at least i didn't have to wake up early, only ten thirty. so then i went to work, and now i am back.

now i need to do all my homework for the weekend since i have yet to start... and then go to bed hopefully before ten since i need at least seven hours of beauty sleep as i work yet again tomorow at six... boo!

last night i watched party monster with my new amigo ryan... it was good to be sober enough to understand it.

today i watched 21 grams alone, it was sad. but then i walked to westwood and listened to some electro and now i'm better. i'm uber excited for this party i'm going to tonight in hollywood hills... and i'm kinda going with someone i barely know. oh well, i won't be taken advantage of hopefully.

i want to take you farfrom the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouthwe'll cut our bodies freefrom the tethers of the seamwe'll start a brand new colony-postal service

i finished my paper last night, it was titled"pollution and profits: how the energy industry bought the EPA"i was pleased with it and the debate i had earlier today on the same topic :)

then i went to italian but as i walk in i see that she is handing out a quiz, a quiz that was not mentioned online and since i have been gone for the past four days, i didn't really know about it.luckly she said i could go and just make it up later... whoo. if i would have had to take it, i would have gotten an F minus for sure.

so then i went to lunch at deneve, ate half the food i took cuz it was gross and i couldn't finish the spicy shrimp pizza or the roasted veggies.

then i came up to my room and attempted sleep... between the occasional intrusive and loud roomate entry/departure. got a good two point five hours though, so i now feel refreshed.

i had a really weird dream though, it was me, george w, scott, and adam feinman, all in a mall. and then we met up with ahnold in mervyns. and i was actually civil to the bastards. interesting.

so yea, now i'm back, and now it seems two of my friends are going through crises, so i am off trying to calm them.