Sunday, February 27, 2011

I was very distracted at Mass today because I kept thinking about one of my roommates from college. I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding, but she refused because she didn't approve of Boomz and I. She didn't like how Boomz "pursued" me before I went to discern my vocation in the convent (he didn't, it just naturally happened). We don't talk on a regular basis anymore, but when we see each other at weddings and things we usually have pleasant conversations about Creighton (she has PCOS) and her wedding planning (she's getting married in June). I had always assumed I would be invited to the wedding, since I HAD been her roommate and there wasn't any animosity between us or anything. Plus, sometimes she would say things like, "Wait 'til you see the venue!" However, I found out a few weeks ago that the Save-the-Dates had been sent out a long time ago, and Boomz and I didn't get one. Am I silly to be a little bit hurt about this?

I feel like maybe I've always had more affection for her than she had for me. At one wedding, I had covered my head with a scarf during the Mass instead of my usual veil, because I wanted the bride to be the only one wearing a veil. Well that caught my friend's attention, and she asked me why I started covering my head during Mass. I explained it to her, and she said something that really hurt me. She said, "You know, I'm pretty surprised you're so concerned with modesty, since your wedding dress was strapless." I mean, holy crap! Would a friend say something like that?

This leads me to my title. I have zero close girl friends. Zero close friends in general, really. My time in the convent and really put a lot of distance (literally and figuratively) between us, and now we all live far apart. I find myself longing for female companionship. I've never been good at having girl friends. In elementary school I had a few good girl friends, until 6th grade when one of them persuaded the rest of them to stop being friends with me and I had no friends for a year, and things were never the same. In high school I had two good girl friends, S and D, until a boy came between S and I (the same one from the 6th grade). I had many more guy friends in high school than girl friends, and this continued into college. I felt like I could be myself around guys and felt much more confident around them. Now, I feel a definite need for Catholic girl friends. Friends that I can tell anything, even my deepest, darkest secrets. There are no friends to be had at our church...I'm either too old or too young. I'm too old to be part of the "youth group", but too young (and without children of course) to be part of the mommy groups. I asked Jesus today to send me good Catholic girl friends at Mass today, so hopefully they'll come along soon. :)

Sorry if this post is crazy or hard to understand. I was trying to write and watch the Os.cars at the same time, so it might not make much sense! lol

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I'm sorry I haven't written for so long! I have a bit of blogger's block. :) I want to write a post about my desire to be a Third Order Carmelite and another about body image and IF, but I'm not sure how to articulate everything yet.

There is absolutely nothing happening on the fertility front. No period, no CM...nothing. This is going to sound incredibly strange, but I miss AF. lol At least there's hope to get pregnant the next month after CD1 comes. With my reproductive organs doing absolutely nothing, there is zero hope of pregnancy. I miss having that hope.

I've been trying not to get discouraged, and I think I've been doing pretty well, but I'm failing today. My friend T (who got pregnant without trying) is posting pictures of her baby bump on face.book, I found out a few days ago that another friend got pregnant on her honeymoon back in December, and another friend posts about her pregnancy cravings constantly. My brother-in-law's baby mama is ready to have her baby any day now. I'm just having a hard time with it all. I feel quite barren today.

I found out yesterday that my cousin may have a non-cancerous tumor on her pituitary gland which could be causing all of her womanly issues. My old doctor told me that I may have a tumor on my pituitary gland as well, but my NaPro doctor ruled it out somehow. I plan on asking her about it again at my appointment on the 8th. I find myself almost hoping that IS what's wrong with me, because then something can be done to fix it. If I'm in menopause at 22, there's nothing that can be done.

Friday, February 18, 2011

1) My spiritual mother, M.A., sent me a terrifying email this morning. She said that she had a dream last night that something was beside her bed and trying to grab at her and that her bed was shaking. She woke up, and her bed KEPT SHAKING. She thought that she might have been imagining it or that she was still half-asleep, so she laid there for a few minutes but it continued to shake. It kept shaking even after she got out of bed! There wasn't an earthquake, or a storm of some kind, and they don't live near train tracks or anything like that. This isn't the first time that something like this has happened to her, either. She's practically a saint, so it wouldn't surprise me if she was being attacked spiritually.

2) The town I live in shut off the water main yesterday, and it was very, very frustrating! They said they would only be working from 10AM-noon, but it ended up being almost 12 hours. I couldn't do the dishes, clean the bathroom (or flush the toilet for that matter!), or cook what I had planned. It really made me realize how spoiled we are here in the U.S. to have clean water whenever we want!

3) I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I was breastfeeding twins. I felt a deep sense of loss when I woke up and realized it wasn't real. I still "miss" the babies a little when I start to think about the dream...is that weird?

4) I've been nauseous everyday for awhile now. Sometimes it only lasts for an hour or so, but sometimes it's all day. It almost always happens after I eat...I really, really hope I don't have a gluten sensitivity! I meant to try to go GF this week to see if it'd help, but I totally forgot.

5) I called my NaPro doctor yesterday asking for an order for a blood test to check my thyroid since my hair is falling out and I feel a lump in my throat all the time. She told me not to worry about it since "we checked last month". I was so frustrated! I wanted to say, "No, actually, you just felt my throat for a second, even though I told you you can't feel it from the outside, and totally dismissed it." Instead, I just made an appointment. I would switch doctors since I'm not getting any answers, but there aren't any other NaPro doctors in my area.

6) Thank you all for the comments on my last post. I'm just going to continue to pray for my family and try to be a good example. :)

Well, gosh darnit, I can't think of one more quick take! Oh well! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I'm warning you in advance, this post is going to show the ugly side of me. :( And it's a very long post. Sorry.

This past weekend I went bridesmaid dress shopping with my sister, my mother, and what seemed like a bajillion of my sister's friends. I had the option of staying home and just sending in my measurements, but I felt that I should go since I'm the Matron of Honor, and because I wanted to be there to object if my sister decided on something immodest.

It was an experience, let me tell ya. lol

When I walked in, I was extremely overwhelmed. There were seven "little" girls (the youngest bridesmaid is 12 and the others are 18-19. My sister's only 19.) giggling and talking very loudly in a very small room. My sister tried on her wedding dress (which is gorgeous), and then my mother took my veil out from a bag. I keep my wedding dress and veil at my parents' house because we seriously have NO ROOM in our closets. Anyway, I'm ashamed to say that I lost my temper with my mother. My veil was all crumpled up, which annoyed me, and I said, "Oh, is she wearing my veil, then? Thanks for asking." Ugh, it was such a bratty thing to say, but I was annoyed to see my very expensive veil crumpled up in the bottom of a bag and that my mother just assumed my sister would be wearing my veil (see how prideful I am?). My mother insisted that she had asked me, and I insisted that I didn't remember that conversation, and everyone got really quiet, and my mother said, "Good job. You just made a fool of yourself." Ugh...I felt awful about my behavior and I was furious about everything all at the same time. I apologized for my behavior and said my sister could try it on, and my mom got all passive-aggressive and said, "Nope. Nope. Don't worry about it," and threw my veil back into the bag. Sigh.

I tried to put the situation behind me (I hate having people mad at me, so it was hard) and tried on a few dresses. I rode back to my parents' house with my mother, sister, and all of my sister's friends, and I was scandalized. I must be incredibly naive about what life is like outside of our "little Catholic bubble" ;), because I couldn't believe the kinds of conversations I was hearing. F bombs were flying all over the place, everybody was talking about how stupid everyone else was, how drunk they were at which parties, which of their friends is in jail, and who got in whose pants while they were in grade/high school. I mean, holy crap! Even before my conversion, I didn't talk like that (which is because of God's grace, not because of any merit of my own, obviously). And my mother was sitting RIGHT THERE, not saying a thing. Which leads me to the bitterness part of the post.

When I was growing up, my parents were pretty strict with me. I wasn't allowed to say butt or stupid for a long time, let alone curse, or listen to the rap music station. When I came home from school, I had to sit at the kitchen counter right away and do my homework before I could do anything else. The TV in my room had to be off at 9:30, and I wasn't allowed to watch certain cartoons. I was terribly afraid of disappointing my parents, and I worked hard to get good grades. I didn't really have any faith formation other than CCD, but I was taught to at least be a good person and to treat others how I'd like to be treated. However, my parents don't parent this way with my brother and sister, and it makes me very, very angry.

When my sister was 12, she became anorexic and almost died (she got down to 73 lbs), and after that my parents were afraid to ever say no to her. I understand. They didn't want to cause her to relapse. This style of parenting has spilled over to my 14 year old brother. My mother lets him do whatever he wants. He has an x.box, laptop, and tv in his room, which she lets him play whenever he wants. When I come home, I don't see him because he's up in his room, and when I do see him, he can't wait to be upstairs. He's been caught watching por.nography, and my parents haven't done anything. Boomz has offered to set up the wireless so that it shuts off at a certain time so that my brother doesn't stay up all hours, but they won't let him. My father tries to discipline as much as he can, but my mom contradicts him and tells him to back off. I have so, so much anger toward my mother because my father is trying to do the right thing, but she won't let him! She's constantly criticizing and emasculating him, and I HATE it. I want to scream at her sometimes. My siblings' souls are at stake, and they aren't doing ANYTHING.

Sigh. I'm sorry this post is all over the place. I'm just so angry, I had to get a little bit out. I'll probably end up deleting this post later.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Okay, I just need to write about my experience at Mass yesterday. Boomz and I usually attend the Traditional Latin Mass, but this weekend we were at my parents' house because I had to go bridesmaid dress shopping for my sister's wedding (which is going to get a whole post of its own), so we went to the local parish. We've had awful experiences at this parish before, so we went to the 8 AM Mass thinking (for some reason) it might be a little better. Well, it wasn't. lol

Walking in, I had super high hopes because it was blessedly silent in the church, which isn't usually the case. Before Mass, Father gave a short talk about the theology behind some of the parts of the new translation of the Roman Missal. I was so proud of him for putting forth the extra effort to educate his congregation! The entrance hymn was wonderfully solemn (I can't remember what song it was). Unfortunately, it all went downhill from there. lol

The Gloria (which is one of my favorite parts of the Mass) was just horrible. It started off fine... I mean I was actually excited at first because it almost sounded like Gregorian chant, but when it came time for the congregation to sing, instead of "Glory to God in the highest and peace to His people on earth", they sang: "Spirit of the Lord Who lives in me, Spirit of the Lord Who loves in me, Spirit of the Lord Who lives in me, Spirit of the Lord Most High!" Um...WHAT?! WHAT?! And it was in this weird Native American style. THEN, when the cantor was supposed to say "You alone are the Holy One, Lord Jesus Christ", he left out "Jesus Christ"! AND they didn't even sing the whole Gloria! They massacred it. It was bad.

Everything was fine until the Prayers of the Faithful. Because it was "World Marriage Day", we had "special petitions" (did anyone else have these?). One of them particularly annoyed me. It said something like, "Protect us from boredom and routine, which are the enemy of marriages". I actually let out some kind of annoyed noise at that one. I find a tremendous amount of comfort in the little routines Boomz and I have. Ugh, I can't even articulate how much that statement annoys me. Not only did we have special petitions, but the responses were changed. Instead of "Lord, hear our prayer", we said, "Lord, make us one." Ughhh...

I seriously don't understand why people change the words of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Seriously. Just don't do it. Just pray the Mass like it's supposed to be prayed. I could go on and on about this (I love liturgy), but this post is already too long, so I'll save my liturgical rant for another day.

P.S. I'm sorry I've been such a bad blogger lately. Nothing fertility related is happening here (seriously, still no AF), so I don't have as much to write about! Also, I didn't proofread this because I'm tired (and cranky...booo), so I'm sorry for all the grammatical errors! :)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

No, really, he is. I am the laziest person I know, but Boomz is driven and determined. For example, this past weekend, we had to transport mattresses to a friend's house 2.5 hours away (long story lol), and after renting the U.Haul trailer didn't work out, having to wait a week, and a mattress flying off the back of the truck we rented, he didn't get that frustrated. I would have just given up or started crying or something. lol But not my husband! :) Once he gets an idea in his head he doesn't give up when things get hard, and I really appreciate that about him. :)

He listens to all of my silly stories. :) While I clean I listen to Catholic things on my laptop (usually Church history stuff), so when he comes home I have SO MUCH to tell him! He listens patiently, even though he probably knows everything I'm telling him.

He pushes me to try new things. I'm a very picky eater (mostly about texture), and if I had my way I'd eat the same three things my whole life. lol Now he has me eating calamari, lamb, and all sorts of Italian things I would've never had in my German-Irish hometown. :) He also believes in me enough to allow me to COOK some of these Italian things, even though I'm convinced I'll ruin it.

I love that he's Italian but loves Irish culture. :) He studied abroad in Ireland for a few months, so he loves all things TRULY Irish. No shamrocks for my man! He also hates Guinne.ss not brewed in Ireland-he's convinced it tastes different. lol

Thank you, Jesus, for giving me such a wonderful husband! :)

P.S. Thank you all so much for the exercise suggestions! I found a beginner Pilates video online, and I've tried that a couple times. I must be in horrible shape, because the video is kicking my butt! lol I mean I only do about 15- 20 minutes, and I am SORE the next day! I can't lose any weight, however (I'm already way under where I should be), so I have to up my calories. Boo! It's really hard to make yourself eat more when you're already full.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

I feel the need to start exercising more...or at all. lol Boomz and I DESPISE exercising (especially running. Ugh). In warmer weather, we used to take short walks around town, but since winter hit in about, oh, September, we haven't been doing that. I still walk to the post office and the bank, but Boomz can't join me since he's at work. Anyway, that's about the extent of my exercising. Do any of you know how to ease into exercising more often or recommendations for exercise machines? Boomz doesn't want an exercise bike, although I feel like that'd be the easiest way for us to start exercising. We can't actually buy a machine of any kind right now since we live in a miniscule apartment, but sometimes I like to think ahead. :) Do you have any ideas of ways to exercise inside a tiny apartment WITHOUT a machine?

I just want to be healthy, and I know exercising is part of that, no matter how much I hate it. :)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

First, I just want to say something that I know I've said a million times, but I must say it again: Thank you! All of your advice is so appreciated. You are amazing and wonderful and so helpful! :) Thank you so much!

Not much is going on over here! I mean, I've had 10KL the last few days, which is confusing the heck out of me since I haven't had a period yet (I have no idea what day I'm on...It has to be like 55 or something), but I'm trying really hard not to focus on my IF. Thinking about it just stresses me out and makes me unpleasant to be around. lol So instead of ranting about how confused I am about what's going on with my body, I'm going to let St. Catherine of Siena blog for me. :) A friend read this reflection to me out of the Magn.ificat a few weeks ago, and it really stuck with me so I thought I'd share with y'all! :)

"I long to see you bound by the same blazing divine charity that moved God to draw us from within himself, from his infinite wisdom, so that we might share in and enjoy his supreme eternal good. This is the bond that bound and united God to human nature and engrafted him into us after we had lost grace through our sin. Life was engrafted into death so that we who were dead acquired life through that union. For God was so engrafted into humanity that one who was both God and human ran like one in love to the shameful death of the cross. This Incarnate Word wanted to be engrafted onto that tree. And it was not the cross or the nails that held him there. These were not strong enough to hold the God-Man. No, it was love that held him there."

Whoa.

"It was love that held him there", and I return this love with indifference and annoyance when I don't get whatever I want. Sigh. I swear, sometimes I think the only chance I have of becoming a saint is through martyrdom. ;)