Damn, guys, I guess there’s more Full House stuff. I’m gonna review Fuller House when that happens but in the interim there was a terrible Lifetime movie so why don’t we have a friendly little chat about that?

So, this thing is bad and everything, but it’s also pretty well suited to the quality of its subject. I just saw Straight Outta Compton and it kind of amazed me to see an actual high-quality biopic get made for once, but imagine if they’d made a Full House movie of that caliber. I mean, it couldn’t be done, because there’s pretty much no story to tell here, but like imagine if this movie actually looked like it cost money to make or had even one talented actor in it. It’s kind of a zen practice to try to conjure up that image because it’s so unfathomable that it just makes your mind draw a complete blank.

Anyway, let’s get into the point-by-point shit talking. The “movie” opens with the actor who plays Dave Coulier backstage talking to what I wouldn’t so much call an actor as a confused child who is depicting one of the Olsen twins. The guy who plays Coulier is pretty lousy but I was so grateful to not have to look at Uncle Joey’s actual face for any of this that he never really bothered me.

The two of them head onstage and I was going to say that they embark on a reenactment of a Full House episode but the thing they’re doing isn’t based on any episode that I remember seeing. I know that I was stoned on pot for most of the episodes that I watched (especially the early ones. BOY was I high all the time back then!) but I’m really certain that there was never a sleepwalking Uncle Joey episode. I guess that this is a thing about rights. Like, the people at Lifetime must know the exact amount of stuff that you can do in a biopic without getting sued. Probably you gotta cough up some cash to do an episode reenactment?

And if that doesn’t throw you enough, check out this set! That looks more like Archie Bunker’s house than the Full House. It’s, like, inverted. Again, I have to assume that this is a rights thing, like they changed it just exactly enough to not have to give anyone any money.

So then a bunch of no-name actors come out as various characters from the show and it kind of makes your brain reel. It’s weird because it was already unsettling to see all those terrible people in those garish outfits deliver that intolerable dialogue when it was actually happening, but seeing a skewed reenactment of it is even more fucked up somehow. It’s like seeing a hideous monster reflected in a funhouse mirror, and it keeps telling all these corny jokes.

So the actors run through their crappy fake episode reenactment until the Olsen Twin shits its pants and they have to stop the scene (that’s really what happens!) and then the camera pans up and we cut to 2 years earlier.

Wait, what? Oh, I get it. That was, like, the high drama moment. Most crappy biopics start at a moment that’s supposed to pull you in, like when the guy it’s about is smoking crack in a hotel room or like getting robbed at knife point by a prostitute who’s high on crack or like skiing on a steep, dangerous mountain in the Ozarks while he’s high on crack or something, and then it cuts to when he’s young and innocent and you’re like, man, I gotta see how this hopeful young man ends up being a treacherous crack smoker, especially since he was also the writer of Alf. The problem here is that the moment they’ve used to try to hook us with reveals that nothing at all interesting is about to take place for the entire movie. And this isn’t just me being that cranky guy on the internet that shits all over Full House all the time, either. There’s like zero drama in this whole thing. The big conflict is that (spoiler alert) Bob Saget is aware that the show sucks. Outside of that there’s really nothing controversial or even interesting here. Nobody even hits a crack pipe, not one time.

2 years earlier, Bob Saget was telling dirty jokes on stage. The jokes aren’t that dirty here because this is a cheap network television movie (his bit is about tampons, which you can totally talk about on every channel) but you get the idea. Faux-Saget heads backstage and meets up with Faux-Coulier, informing the audience that they were pals before starring on the worst sitcom of all time together. They have a friendly exchange with Mrs. Faux-Saget before she leaves them to do guy stuff, like drink booze and trade handjobs (just like on their tv show! Well, not the booze…).

Faux-Coulier tells Faux-Saget that he’s just been cast on Saturday Night Live and Faux-Saget congratulations him before going into a whiny diatribe about how all the comedians that they came up with are getting tv deals except for him. I guess it would feel pretty bad to see Dave Coulier get better comedy gigs than you.

We cut to a generic diner, where we meet Faux-Stamos, who is working for his father after quitting his role on General Hospital. I’m just gonna assume that he’s working there to help his dad out and not because he spent all of his tv money already. I mean, come on. Anyway, Faux-Stamos gets ogled by a bunch of horny broads while his dad gives him a pep talk about his acting career. Young Stamos worries that the course of his career has led him to be seen in the acting world as “damaged goods,” which is incredibly naive considering that he’ll still be getting work in 20 years after appearing in the worst thing ever filmed (including footage of actual torture) but, you know, hindsight’s 20/20. Faux-Stamos is comforted first by his father’s reassuring words and then by sauntering over to those horny broads to tear them walls up.

Bob Saget’s low wage doppelganger goes home to his wife to tell her some big news and she says that she has big news, too, and then in true sitcom fashion he keeps interrupting her when she tries to talk and tells her all about how he’s got an offer to be the lame comic relief on a morning news show. He questions whether or not he should take the job and then his wife tells him that she’s pregnant because that’s all wives ever say on tv after their big news gets interrupted over and over again.

Phoney baloney Dave Coulier’s agent calls him and tells him that the people at Saturday Night Live realized that he’s the worst comedian of all time and his stupid fucking face would be a pox on their show so he didn’t get the gig after all and then Coulier pouts like a stupid whiny baby. Meanwhile, Fakey Bob Saget decides to take the morning show gig. I think that these two scenes are supposed to be visually woven together by the artful use of cordless phones.

We cut to the ABC Network, where a bunch of fancy bigwigs have a meeting. There are some real tasty looking donuts on the table and no one is even eating them. That always drives me nuts on tv shows when there are delicious snacks at a meeting and everyone just acts like they’re not even there. Man, if I was at that meeting I’d be tearin’ them donuts up.

The meeting scene is actually a pretty decent explanation of how Jeff Franklin, who wrote some actually quite watchable movies that played on cable ten millions times throughout my youth (“Summer School” and “Just One of the Guys”), wanted to pitch a show about a bunch of comedians who lived in a house together and was cajoled by the network into a series of creative compromises that led to the monstrocity that is Full House. It all kind of makes sense from a soulless tv network perspective. Like, let’s just throw a bunch of obnoxious kids into that mix and make it really emotionally manipulative and you’ve got yourself a series!

After a brief sequence of Bob Saget just not quite fitting in on his morning show gig, he finds out that his wife is in the hospital. It turns out that she had an emergency c-section but is ok and then Sister Saget comes in to establish her character, which may be important later.

As Jeff Franklin prepares for his initial casting session for the Full House pilot, he expresses concern to either Miller or Boyett about being unsure of the creative direction of the series he’s helming. Meanwhile, Candace Cameron delivers a mediocre audition, which we know because the casting director says so to Jeff Franklin, as the actress playing Candace Cameron’s performance is pretty much on par with everything else we see in this movie.

As the casting process continues, we learn more fun trivia about the show, like that the creators wanted Paul Reiser to audition for Danny but he’d already signed on to do My 2 Dads, which is pretty much the same show except not as shitty (and, paradoxically, not as successful). These sorts of moments are really what this movie is all about. You don’t get much actual dirt (seriously, not one crack rock in the whole production) but you do get a lot of useless factoids. Anyway, Candace Cameron’s soulless show-business mom storms back into the casting office with her daughter in hand and, in true Full House fashion, they are awarded another opportunity for overstepping their boundaries. There is a smart creative choice in this scene of playing music over Candace’s audition so we don’t evaluate her actual performance but we do get the idea that she did a much better job this time and is awarded the role.

As the casting process continues, Dave Coulier gets a call from his agent to let him know that he’s been offered the role of Joey for some unholy reason (probably some goats got sacrificed, or maybe Dave Coulier just sucks a powerful mean dick) and then we see John Stamos fight his way through a horde of groupies to have a lunch with Jeff Franklin that leads to him being cast as Uncle Jesse.

Even though the Olsen twins are only in the audition room because their mom is there with a friend who’s peddling her own children, Jeff Franklin can feel it at the base of his nuts that he can make those 2 ugly babies into soulless media moguls some day.

Bob Saget gets fired from the morning news show because he’s got the second most punchable face in television. His wife suggests that she go back to work early so he can be a stay at home dad for a while and he’s totally just like fuck that noise. Like, super flat out. His wife suggests that he makes an effort to get cast as Danny Tanner and, after some resistance, he agrees to go for it. Anything’s better than being a stay at home dad!

There’s a teeny tiny flair of storytelling as the producers are shown announcing the casting of Danny and it’s revealed that John Posey has received the role. Jeff Franklin watches the pilot in his office and expresses his feeling that John Posey’s face just isn’t begging to be punched enough for his terrible abomination of a tv series. Franklin insists to the producer that Bob Saget is the only man for the job and then they both wonder how they’ll break the news to John Posey. We never actually see the scene where John Posey is let go, or hear any mention of him ever again in this movie. Man, I’d give anything to know how John Posey feels about being let go from Full House. Is it a bummer or a total relief? Oh, wait, I just googled “john posey full hosue interview” and found all the answers… maybe I’ll read it later.

And with that, the cast of Full House is assembled, which seems like a good stopping point for the first review. Man, I’m totally not used to writing this kind of crap anymore. How did I ever have time to do this? Anyway, I’m guessing it’ll take 3-4 weeks to review this whole thing. I hope people keep reading it. If you want to hear more of my dumb thoughts about shitty pop culture, be sure the check out the Saved By the Bell Reviewed Podcast, where I chat about that show with a regular cast of depraved weirdos (and an occasional special guest!) each week.

OMG I came here to add some of your archived reviews to my Pocket app so I could read them offline in Airplane mode on my flight back from Hawaii (of course I captured the “Tanners Go Hawaiian” post), and there’s new content! I’m sorry you had to suffer through that awful mess, but I appreciate your dedication.

I discovered your blog a couple weeks ago and soon discovered your hilarious blend of snark perfectly summed up this deplorable tv show and better yet, made for great reading while commuting out to Beaverton on the Max. When I finished I wondered what I’d read while going through the tunnel. It was a true crisis, I tell you. TRUE CRISIS.

But here you are, offering more posts for the next couple Fridays!

You sir, are a gentleman and a scholar and an asset to not only Portland, but the United GODDAMN states of America and perhaps the world itself.

Thank-you soooooo much for doing this! Even though I know it’s going to be bad, I can’t wait to watch this movie. I’ve read every episode review you’ve done, many a few times. Thanks from Canada (eh?) Lol

You know what really bothered me? The microwave oven that Joey had in his house. Did you see that thing? How am I supposed to believe that was a microwave from 1985? My grandmother still has her microwave from 1985 and I assure you it looks nothing like that. My grandmother’s microwave is a huge brown and orange beast and then watching him leave the phone in that microwave and the movie later showing what a 1985 television looked like was surreal. My husband was most enraged over the fact that I made him watch this movie with me, but the thing he was second most enraged about was the fact that the house was flipped backwards. He also kept calling the producer character ‘Satan’ the entire time and said that Satan’s smile haunted him in his sleep.

Yay more Full House Reviewed!!! I am absurdly (seriously, I need better things in my life, clearly) eager for your review of the no-doubt-terrible Netflix show, but this will do in the meantime. Glad to have these posts back. My Fridays have been lacking without them.

OT, did you see 25 year old Blake & Dylan Tuomy-Wilhoit? Both of them are coming back for “Fuller House” and those 2 have aged well and haven’t gotten into the same messes Jodie, the Olsen, and the guy who was Andy on “Family Ties.”. Their hair is decent-looking and they look like nice guys!

Honestly, I’m surprised the actors who played Nicky and Alex have agreed to even be in Fuller House at all. Especially considering neither twin ever acted again after Full House ended. Oh well, I guess this “Fuller House” thing is just one big family reunion for the whole cast. With Nicky and Alex a shoe in for this new series, I really hope this means that Jesse and Becky are NOT still married. I’m sorry, but I just refuse to except them being married. At all. Jesse is a self entitled prick who always treated Becky (and everybody else around him) like crap. Becky deserved better. Which is why they are totally divorced in my head cannon. I just refuse to except that Becky has no self respect to leave Jesse once and for all. But that’s just me. I don’t know if anyone else feels the same way. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what does happen….

And welcome back Billy, great review here! I was always curious about the “Unauthorized” Full House story, and I totally want to see it. Even if it is lame as shit. But I guess now I can see what it as all about with your review here. I totally can’t wait for your Fuller House reviews as well. ^_^

Yeah, Nicky and Alex look great in their recent pictures. I’m kind of surprised they want to participate in Fuller House though. Especially considering they never acted again after Full House ended. Oh well, I guess it’s just a big old family reunion for the Tanners with the upcoming Fuller House. With Nicky and Alex returning for Fuller House, I just hope that Becky and Jesse are NOT still married. I’m sorry, but I absolutely REFUSE to believe that Becky wouldn’t have the self respect to leave a self entitled prick like Jesse. I seriously hope they’re divorced in this new series. But that’s just me though, I don’t know if anyone else feels the same way.

And welcome back Billy, great review! I’ve always wanted to see this, even if it is indeed stupid, like most Lifetime movies are. Can’t wait for your Fuller House reviews too! It’ll be interesting to see how crappy that show will turn out. Not that I have any high hopes for it.

** Also, I’m sorry if this is a double post. My original post that I made earlier won’t show up for some reason. I don’t know what the deal is. It was “awaiting moderation,” but then failed to even show up at all. I didn’t say anything wrong, that I know of. =/

Thank you for wading through the toxic waste of Lifetime’s lower intestinal tract for our reading pleasure. I know it couldn’t have been fun, but my Friday was complete for the first time since the end of FHR.

And there’s this line: “They have a friendly exchange with Mrs. Faux-Saget before she leaves them to do guy stuff, like drink booze and trade handjobs (just like on their tv show! Well, not the booze…).”

I’m so exited to see a new review! Isn’t it amazing that the original Full House never actually did an Uncle Joey sleepwalking episode, considering all the recycled, cliched sitcom plots they used during the series run?

Billy, hey welcome back! I thought Dakota Guppy who played Jodie Sweetin/Stephanie Tanner looked like her from the 4th season onward. I thought the twins who played the Olsens were adorable, but Michelle should have been an actual baby not a toddler! As for Joey and his gas problem, it was very immature and excessive gas can be a sign of a medical problem. I also thought the wigs on Nicky and Alex were horrible looking too. Billy, are you going to review “Fuller House” with Candace Cameron-Bure and the rest of the cast sans Olsen twins next year? Please do that because you da man!

WWJ, I got so excited about this review and our beloved Billy coming back I forgot he said he would review “Fuller House.”. I wasn’t expecting him to review this Lifetime movie and while I was watching it and reading about “Fuller House” I wondered What Would Billy Say? (WWBS?)

I’m so happy about this! I’ve been reading Full House Reviewed for years and was caught up just in time to read the series finale when it was posted. Recently I decided to come back and relive your hilarious reviews and seeing this pop up made me so excited! I can’t wait to read Fuller House Reviewed too, I was wondering what was going to happen when that show premiered. I was a big (and I mean HUGE) fan of FH as a kid when I saw the reruns on Nickelodeon and I can’t wait to see what Fuller House is gonna look like now that all that childhood naivete is gone and I actually watch good tv now. I must say though, I would still sit down and watch a couple of episodes of Full House if it came on (it was a simpler time, truly). I guess until Fuller House premieres I’m going to have to make do with this.
This turned out longer than I intended but I just wanted to let you know that I never caught Saved By The Bell when it was on tv but when you announced the podcast I went on Netflix and binge watched the entire series! Big fan of your work Billy- keep it up!

I have missed you so damn much! I was laughing so hard I was crying over several parts of this review. As others have said, my Fridays have not been the same since you finished – I miss the weekly laughing so hard I’ve cried over your scathing remarks about Uncle Joey and the homoerotic Asshole Parthenon bullshit they got into.

I’m thrilled you took one for the team and watched this AND are breaking it down so we get several reviews out of it.

I admit: I watched this movie JUST so I can read your review later. The movie was terrible and stole 2 hours of my life, but it was worth it to read this spot-on review!

Something that bothered me that you didn’t mention: the girl playing Candace looked WAY too old to be 10 or 11 (which was her actual age at the time). I can say this because I’m a woman – she clearly has the body of a teenager.

This blog is a GD national treasure. Super late to the party and currently binge reading the archives in my spare time. Cannot remember the last time something like this made me laugh out loud so much. Thank you. Truly.

Really nice to see the review! I found your blog just a few months ago when I was looking up Full House stuff (did you know there are like over a hundred original story Full House novellas? Crazy) and it’s great to see this too! I hope after this you can find some kind of content to at least occasionally sprinkle on the blog, but either way when I get the time I’ll be sure to listen to SBTBR too. Anyway, just wanna say that it’s great to see you’re back!

Sarah, hi, it’s nice to see your name again! I watched the movie and was rather embarrassed by it! Even the poignant part with Bob Saget’s sister Gay suffering and dying from scleroderma had no real emotional impact. Dave Coulier was portrayed as a gassy idiot and I thought the actress who played Lori Loughlin had a Hilary Swank look to her!

Sarah, hi, Buddy is doing well considering he is 13 years old. He does have accidents in the house and bouts of dyspnea (breathing problems) though! He lights up like a Xmas tree when we drive him in the car and he sticks his head out the window. My parents let him outside when they go out and he sits under his tree in the backyard. I do hope he lasts for at least 5 years or so!

Yaaaasssss, I was wondering what a review of this god-awful movie would be like and behold, new review. Glad I got bored in the last 30 minutes of work and revisiting my good old standby FHR. Oh Billy/Ryan, how ever did you know? (P.S. The podcast is awesome!) Welcome back everyone!

As a devoted listener of SBTB Reviewed, I’m so excited to see that this blog is back as well. And now that I’ve heard your voice, it’s even more fun to read the reviews because I can “hear” you saying it. Which sounds creepier than I meant it to, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to make the comment anyway!

Hate to be a broken record, but thanks so much for reviewing this! I’m so excited to be reading this blog again and seeing all the familiar commenters (probably too excited 🙂 ). What a strangely nice and awesome corner of the internet!

I couldn’t sleep tonight and just randomly decided to check your blog again and am so happy you’re continuing it. Especially that you’ll be reviewing Fuller House. I don’t get Netflix and part of me was sad that I’d never get to see it, but this is the next best thing, or maybe even better. I loved Full House when it debuted in 1987 when I was 7. I loved it for about four more years and then thought it was crap for the rest of the series. I don’t know if the show got worse or if my opinion was just the result of my own improving discernment. I did start watching it again in about 1993 because some kid at school told me that Jodie Sweetin and her mother had died in a car accident and I was curious how they were going to explain her disappearance. I even had a dream that they replaced her with a chubby brunette kid. Damn rumors, I watched for the duration of the series. Anyway, thanks again for all you do to entertain us.

What a pleasant surprise! I came here to see if you were going to be covering the new shit show that’s about to hit the fan and was rewarded with this bonus set of reviews. Looking forward to your Fuller House reviews though I’m still not sure if I’m actually going to watch them myself.