Archive for May, 2010

Go ahead. Leave that insulting internet comment trashing this article’s writer or the person who commented before you. And do so with a feeling of righteousness. You earned it.

By Eric J Baker

You.

PRINCETON – Researchers at Princeton University say they’ve found definitive proof no one knows what the hell they’re talking about but you. Results of the comprehensive study appear in this week’s issue of American Science Journal.

Says behavioral scientist Dr. Hans Gruber, who led the project, “Our findings clearly show that people who don’t agree with you are indeed mindless fools brainwashed by any number of agenda-driven entities such as the left-wing media, the right-wing media, the Obama administration, the Bush administration, crappy sports writers, oil companies, vegetarians, and Star Trek or Star Wars, depending on which you think is superior.”

Knee-jerk reactionaries across the nation rejoiced at the news.

“Finally, the ammo I need to shut those [expletive] morons up once and for all,” says internet user Pinky Middleton, who claims to have posted over 800,000 angry, all-caps comments on Yahoo. “I’ve been telling people I don’t have to learn anything about a subject to be an expert, and this proves I’m right. But I knew that.”

Liberals and conservatives were quick to claim victory. In a rare joint appearance yesterday, MSNBC’s ranting Obama lover Keith Olbermann and Fox News’ ranting Obama hater Sean Hannity pointed at each other and said, in unison, “See, I told you he was an idiot.”

Perhaps the greatest beneficiary is former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, who no longer has to hurt her brain trying to find countries on a map or struggle to answer questions meant for a five-year-old.

“It’s the end of gotcha journalism,” said a visibly jubilant Palin. “[Expletive] you, Katie Couric.”

Palin also said that, going forward, she will drop all references to reality from her speeches.

News of the study quickly resonated beyond the world of politics.

Militant atheist and prolific author Richard Dawkins said last night on HBO’s Real Time with Bill Mahar, “Once again, science proves that religious people are sniveling, groping, mindless stooges with nary a brain cell to share between them. In fact, they are so wretchedly stupid that I’m going to write another book about genetics. They are soooo dumb I am forced to explain to them every stillborn thought rotting inside their little shrunken-apple heads.”

A frustrated Dawkins went on to say he can’t understand why he has yet to convert a single religious person to atheism.

In response, some random evangelical guy said, “God wanted him to say that. Now excuse me while I go cherry pick one or two slivers of scientific data, wholly out of context, to prove the Earth is only 6000 years old.”

So, do the results of Princeton University’s study mean the end of irrefutable facts?

“Only a brainwashed idiot would ask a question like that,” says Dr. Gruber. “What? Did you go to Harvard or something? Yale?”

PYONGYANG – People: North Korea has once again named Kim Jong Il the Sexist Man Alive. It’s the 16th consecutive year the diminutive dictator has won the honor.

Said People’s North Korean editor Shim Lee Park, “The brave and noble citizens of the People’s Republic have spoken from their hearts by making this unanimous choice.”

Kim garnered 100% of the vote in the small East Asian nation, with all 27 million citizens having participated in the online poll, despite many lacking internet connection.

“It just shows you how devoted and unified the loyal citizens of the People’s Republic are in the face of threats from all the wicked and evil enemies bent on our destruction,” said Shim.

The magazine also named Kim Jong Il “the most glorious, perfect, unerring, godlike, yet humble leader in the world” and owner of the “most phat hairstyle.”

Suspense is already building over who will win next year’s poll.

Several new species of black, shiny fish discovered in Gulf of Mexico

NEW ORLEANS – Scientists from the University of Louisiana were stunned this week to find a number of previously unknown fish species existing so close to America’s shores. Strangely, the discovery was made not by marine biologists but by engineers from BP, an oil company conducting a series of bizarre experiments on the sea floor in the Gulf of Mexico.

“These animals are very similar to species we already know,” said university researcher Herbert West, “but with strange mutations. I guess those futile, comically inept science experiments BP was conducting were good for something.”

BP has come under scrutiny on recent weeks for wasting time putting a bunch of bendy things, giant boxes, and hoses in the subtropical gulf waters instead of looking for oil.

Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin came to the company’s defense yesterday, claiming, “The discovery of new species and plants are just one of the many benefits of offshore drilling.”

Scientists believe these are the first fish that can lower your cholesterol and keep your engine running smoothly.

Rand Paul opposes slavery, pretty much

FRANKFORT, KY – Kentucky’s GOP senate hopeful Rand Paul said in a TV interview yesterday he thought slavery was generally not good, for the most part.

“Of course I oppose slavery as a concept,” Paul told MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. “But I also support the right of individuals to spend their money as they see fit.”

When asked by Maddow if that meant he thought rich, white men should be able to buy people, Paul held his palms out and said, “Well…”

The former eye doctor has gone on record recently saying he supports the Civil Rights Act of 1964 in an abstract sense but doesn’t think it should be enforced. In a CNN interview last month, he said burning people at the stake for being gay is “a little too harsh,” preferring a less painful method of execution.

Despite the best efforts of producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to guard the secret beforehand, we learned in the series finale last night the Island was indeed Gamera the Flying Turtle, as many had suspected.

The truth was revealed in the climactic scene when the Man in Black AKA the Smoke Monster joined forces with Decepticon Ben and morphed into Super Space Giant Robot X14. As SSGRX14 was about to blast Jack Shephard and gang with its rainbow death ray, the Island rose up, shedding its rocks and trees and issuing the familiar elephantine roar of the heroic monster Gamera.

The giant flying turtle carefully placed the losties on its scaly back and engaged in an epic showdown that ended when SSGRX14 was heaved into space. Gamera then lifted off and rocketed our heroes to safety in Tokyo. The last shot faded with MiB/Space Robot on the moon, shaking its fist toward earth and vowing revenge.

It was an emotionally satisfying conclusion to a unique show that has held millions captivated since it debuted six years ago.

“I knew they had a plan all along,” said Lost’s fan club president Pinky Middleton. “This explains all the mysteries going back to the very first episode.”

When people look back on Lost in the years to come, many will no doubt rank this final episode amongst the best series conclusions of all time.

Who can forget the gripping end of The Love Boat, when the Pacific Princess struck an iceberg, broke in half, and sank, taking Captain Stubing, Gopher, Isaac, Doc, Julie, and Jack Dawson down with it? Or the finale of M*A*S*H, which ended with Hawkeye, BJ, Hot Lips, and Klinger sentenced to a year in prison for failing to come to the aid of a crime victim, a scenario which gave producers an opportunity to trot out viewers’ favorite characters from throughout the series for the courtroom sequences.

Other popular shows have closed with confusing or poorly written episodes that left fans bitter.

Perhaps most notable was the resolution of the mega-hit Friends, which saw the character Ross contracting rabies then murdering Rachel, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Joey. The bulk of the hour-long episode consisted of gruesome torture scenes and frequent close-ups of an increasingly unhinged David Schwimmer tormenting his frightened captives, replete with foaming mouth and cloudy, white eyeballs. Despite almost universal hatred for the broadcast, Schwimmer won an Emmy for his performance as well as an MTV award for “Best TV Psycho.” The accolades helped him land the part of “Jigsaw” in the Saw horror franchise.

Rumors are swirling about the upcoming final episode of Law and Order, which was recently cancelled by NBC after a 20-year run. A leaked copy of the script posted online ends with an unnamed character waking up, realizing the whole series was a dream, then finding out he’s dead, then finding out it wasn’t a dream, he’s not dead, but he is in hell. Only time will tell if fans think the resolution is an artistic wonder or a craptastic blunder.

So what’s next for Lost producers Cuse and Lindelof? TV insiders say they plan to create a sequel of sorts, featuring a group of space travelers on a trip to Jupiter who inexplicably find themselves lights years away amidst a wilderness of uncharted planets. The show is tentatively titled Lost, in Space.

GOVERNMENT RECOMMENDS STUFFING OLD BILLS IN MATTRESS… FOR ADDED COMFORT

By Eric J. Baker

WASHINGTON DC – The federal government decided to scrap the economy yesterday after 234 years, citing voter frustration and bloated bureaucracy as the main reasons for the move. By signing the executive order yesterday, President Obama effectively changed the way America will do business going forward.

“People can now anticipate to a future free of budget deficits, national debts, predatory banking practices, and money,” said the President last night in a televised speech that reminded many of candidate Obama from 2008, whose campaign promises were full of inspirational rhetoric.

The action was met with rare bipartisan approval. Said Nevada’s Republican Senate hopeful Sue Lowden, who intends to unseat Democrat Harry Reid in November, “This will finally make chicken-bartering the foremost system of commerce going forward.”

On MSNBC last night, Democratic Congressman Dennis Kucinich of Ohio said, “This is the first step toward creating a Dionysian society where love is free, wine flows copiously, and women behave as woodland nymphs, running barefoot in butterfly-laden meadows.”

He later added, “Man, it’s good to finally have a reason for saying that.”

Even former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, one of President Obama’s most outspoken critics, was supportive of the move.

“For a guy who wants to melt down all the guns and kill your grandparents and was probably born in the heart of communist Iraq, he did a smart thing today, don’cha think?”

She later posed with a high-powered hunting rifle to make herself look cool.

Not everyone is happy with the change, though. Environmentalists are up in arms over a proposed government plan to burn all the now-useless cash and dump the coins in the ocean.

“They should use all those bills for insulation,” said Greenpeace activist Patchouli Johnson. “Stuff ‘em inside the old tires that should also be used for insulation.”

Both women agreed it would be fun to smoke joints made from rolled up 100-dollar bills.

Ordinary citizen Pinky Middleton asked some stupid questions.

“Um, how are people going to get the stuff they need like food and medicine? Won’t society collapse when no one has a reason to go to work anymore?”

Dumb and pointless as his words may be, the repercussions of yesterday’s executive order are indeed being felt, albeit in places that don’t matter.

Upon hearing of the new national policy, elated US soldiers ran into the streets and fired their automatic rifles skyward with reckless abandon. However, the party atmosphere soon degenerated into one of outright chaos, as staffers in nuclear missile silos across the country joined the fracas and punched in their launch codes. Russia, China, North Korea, and the Middle East were later engulfed in a conflagration of apocalyptic proportions, killing close to half the world’s population, with many more expected to die of radiation poisoning in the coming weeks.

An embarrassed President Obama said he will dispatch Secretary of State Clinton to the UN to offer a formal apology sometime this week

Who can forget these immortal words from the Bible (besides Jews, Muslims, Atheists, Buddhists, Hindus, and “Other”)? But while Jesus was talking about Roman gods, people who drop the TTBO-bomb today are often referring to “bum” politicians who have set up their cardboard shelters (offices) and parked their rusty shopping carts (political agendas) along Washington DC’s marble-floored halls of legislature.

With congressional elections coming in November and primary upsets in the offing, the chorus of anger has grown louder.

“We need to vote out every single congressperson who’s up for reelection,” says Texas resident Norman “Chubzy” Ubzy, “while staying strictly within a two-party system, of course.”

Madge Tool, a resident of Fat Tony’s Trailer Lodge in Twister Magnet, Oklahoma, agrees. “Every single Republican and Democrat currently in office is corrupt. Luckily, the challengers from the same parties, in each case, are completely ethical and honest.”

Her husband, Otis, adds, “Republicans and Democrats will be ok, but those guys from the Incumbent party are in trouble.”

Janet Blandworth, a random expert who gets paid to state the obvious, says, “It’s natural for voters to feel frustrated with elected officials when the economy is in a prolonged slump and jobless rates are high.”

Congress acted quickly when it discovered Americans are unhappy, quarantining those lawmakers up for reelection in a high-school gymnasium and spraying them with Raid.

President Obama praised the bipartisan effort yesterday.

“This is what we can accomplish when we work together,” the President told reporters. “That said, Republicans are still jerks.”

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann of Minnesota responded by urging strict adherence to the Constitution, as it was originally written.

“We didn’t have these problems before women were allowed to vote,” she said. “Or when slaves were 2/3 of a person. We need to get back to the things that made America great.”

In a late session last night, Congress called itself to testify before itself.

“Where do you get off being so smug and self-righteous?” asked House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), looking in a mirror.

Her Republican counterpart, Rep. John Boehner of Ohio, skipped the questions and went straight to making out with his reflection.

“Who’s orange?” he cooed at the mirror. “Are you orange? I don’t think so.”

To flesh out the rest of the article, we went back to Janet Blandworth, our random expert, and asked her to blab some more.

“Depending on who you ask,” she said, “the Republicans are either poised to take both houses of Congress and begin a new revolution or are going to get clobbered because their message seems intolerant and borderline racist and will turn voters off.”

So which one will it be?

“I don’t know. Who cares? You know, when I got out of college I was full of hopes and dreams and ideals and thought I could change the world,” she said. “Now look at me. I’m 39-years-old and divorced and spend my time talking to untalented, hack reporters like you about stupid [expletive] boring politicians. I need a drink.”

An unnamed reporter was said to have offered Blandworth a ride back to his place for margaritas, but it was not known at press time if she accepted.

LOS ANGELES – A-list actress Jennifer Aniston was embroiled in controversy this week when reports surfaced she eats baby food to stay thin, a claim at which she later scoffed.

But that was before investigative reporters found the skeletons of two infants in Aniston’s trash can outside her Malibu home. A publicist for the Leprechaun star (really) said the bones were already in the house when she moved in, and she had “just gotten around” to disposing of them.

However, forensics experts who examined the remains said the infants were alive as recently as three weeks ago. In other words, about how long it takes to eat two babies.

There is no word yet on when charges might be filed.

Until then, we can only wonder why an actress, who’s so famous her weird last name isn’t even flagged by Microsoft spellcheckers, would eat babies to stay trim rather than simply exercise. Perhaps there really is no such thing as bad publicity.

Conflict escalating in a country no one can spell, much less pronounce

KYRGYZSTAN – Angry protestors stormed the capitol building in Byshkk this week, demanding the government take action to address the ongoing shortage of vowels in the small, somewherish nation. President Jyhnythyn Myllyr continues to blame militant rebels, but many citizens feel that excuse has worn thin.

“We’re out here suffering while the president and his cronies live like kings,” said protestor Pynky Myddltyn. “I’m tired of hearing how it’s the rebels’ fault. Why should we believe that?”

Rebel leader Hooowaaard Viiiilaaaniiii has repeatedly denied his group is responsible for hoarding the missing vowels.

“We’re fighting for the people of Kyrgyzstan to end the oppression,” said Viiiilaaaniiii. “I’m a folk hero. Would a folk hero lie? HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa!!!!!”

Several nations in the region, including Afghanistan, Pakistan, and Uzbekistan, also end in “stan.”

Albinos sued for lack of diversity

KENYA – It looks like oppression at the hands of Albinos may finally be coming to an end.

A class-action suit has been brought against the pigment-shunning group by a broad coalition of blacks, Europeans, Hispanics, and East-Asians demanding inclusion into the “all-white” country club.

In a statement released to the press, a lawyer for the coalition said, “This isn’t about money. My clients simply want the right to call themselves albino. Why should people feel ostracized merely for having skin that’s a few shades too dark?”

The coalition is said to be asking for reparations in the amount of five hundred millions dollars.

“I’m sick of feeling like a second-class citizen in this world,” said Bradford Wainwright IV of Beverly Hills, CA, who decided to join the lawsuit while spending the weekend in Paris.

At a press conference yesterday, a spokesperson for the Albinos said, “Help. I need vitamin D.”

President Obama introduces Elena Kagan to a bunch of reporters who probably hate baseball and apple pie but love Josef Stalin

President Obama has just faced one of the most important decisions a dictator can make: Who to nominate for the Supreme Court. And he failed miserably, just like he did during Hurricane Katrina in 2005 and the recession in 2008 (nice bumper stickers by the way, ‘Obama 08’ people. I wouldn’t brag about that year).

Considering the person who fills the role of Supreme Court Justice is in office for 75 years, one would expect a president to put at least a little thought into it. But today’s MTV watching, Nintendo-obsessed generation has no patience for analysis and critical judgment, so this president, in his quest for instant gratification, clearly picked the first name that came across his desk. I’ll illustrate my point using what I call “a list.”

1. Elena Kagan is too short for the court

Sure, Justice John Stevens is 99 years old and his knees are gimpy, but he had one of the best three-point shots in history. And we know, come playoff time, he’ll make the sacrifices necessary to win.

Kagan, on the other hand, is about five feet tall. That doesn’t work in today’s game. She might have a few inside moves, but if she is forced into a perimeter game, it’s all over. Not only does this screw up my fantasy league, but the court will become a laughing stock.

I’m sorry to rely on these two overused words, Mr. President, but: This is Epic Fail (“This” and “is” are way overused. They’re like, all over books and dictionaries).

2. Elena Kagan is using the Supreme Court as a stepping stone

With her big white teeth and fake-friendly smile, Judge Kagan is clearly jockeying for attention from Hollywood producers. You know what other judge she reminds me of? Judge Reinhold. He preferred acting in Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Beverly Hills Cop to interpreting the rule of law. In fact, I can’t even remember when he was on the Supreme Court.

I know a Supreme Court justice probably does something important, so maybe Kagan should, I don’t know, take it seriously.

3.Elena Kagan has a law degree from Harvard, or maybe she worked there

My uncle Moe says you don’t need no fancy law degree from a hoity-toity school to know right from wrong, and that’s good enough for me.

Of course, if Obama hadn’t laid off Justice Stevens in the first place, we wouldn’t have to worry about any of this. A president has the power to create millions of jobs at the stroke of a pen, yet we sit idle while good judges are sent packing in favor of some wannabe starlet.

What we need is a government with checks and balances like they have in England. But I suppose that makes me a Socialist.

It’s that time of year again. The television season is winding down, and producers, actors, and production staffers must now wait with nail-biting anxiety while the networks decide which shows get renewed and which are cancelled. Worse, many TV watchers suffer the wrenching anguish of finding out they have no reason to live anymore.

The fate of these twelve ratings-challenged shows lies in the hands of TV executives. Pray to all that glitters in Hollywood your fav isn’t on the list:

The Real Crack Whores of Detroit (A&E)

This show’s problems have less to do with ratings and more to do with its stars dying of drug overdoses or getting strangled by serial killers. “At first it was great for the promos,” says a staffer who wouldn’t give her name, “but people stop watching when their favorite characters keep dropping dead.”

Producers may retool the show rather than cancel it, allowing viewers to vote, a la American Idol, for the contestant they think will go next.

American Guy (Fox)

The much-hyped cartoon comedy has consistently been losing 60 percent of its lead in audience from Family Guy and American Dad.

“I don’t get it,” laments the show’s executive producer, Seth MacFarlane, the creative force behind all three cartoons. “I thought viewers wanted a third animated show featuring a suburban family with a dumb, loudmouthed father, a put-upon wife, a misfit older daughter, a nerdy younger son, and a talking pet. I don’t know what happened.”

Project Runway – Airport Edition (Bravo)

On paper, a spin-off of the popular fashion-design reality show seemed like a shoo-in for success. But a weekly program about runway-paving crews somehow lacks drama. It also lacks enough viewers to justify a third season.

CSINCIS (CBS)

Not even the addition of Corey Feldman to the cast was enough to pull this police-forensics-themed show out of the ratings morgue. While the “real time” crime processing angle is unique, viewers aren’t patient enough to wait 8 weeks for DNA results.

Jon and Kate + Inexplicable Media Attention = STFU Already (TCM)

A program that refuses to discuss its titular characters may be too esoteric for casual viewers. The unwieldy name doesn’t help.

Cake Whisperer (National Geographic)

“What the heck is this show even about?” asks TV watcher Pinky Middleton, summarizing what many feel is the program’s main problem. “A guy who can commune with custom bakery cakes?”

Those who do tune in are often left shaken. “I can’t take it when the cakes scream as they’re being cut,” says viewer Deidre Simplemayer. “And that poor man feels their pain as if it was happening to him. Makes me shudder.”

Dancing with the Little Chocolatiers (TLC)

Problem: Their stubby legs are just too short for the dance moves, god bless ‘em.

The World’s Most Borderline-Spoiled Supermarket Produce (Spike)

Like cooking-challenge shows that taunt you with food you can never taste, viewers of TWMBSSP will never be able to squeeze the apples. Producers had been hoping, without luck, to replicate the success of The World’s Most Obvious Stitching Errors on Outlet Store Clothing.

Big People-Little Airplane Seats (TLC)

Ratings peaked in February when filmmaker Kevin Smith was kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight, but network executives have learned that most viewers are only willing to watch overweight people be overtly humiliated, like having to run an impossible obstacle course on national TV while shirtless. But it’s ok, because we’re rooting for them to succeed.

Prince Edward Island Shore (MTV Canada)

Canada stole pictures of Europe’s queen for its money and the sport of hockey from Africa, but America isn’t wimpy like those other countries. We don’t watch shows that are stolen from us (can anyone say “The Office” with Ricky Gervais?). Canada, find your own ways to exploit the local white trash.

31 Rock (NBC)

In retrospect, a 30 Rock spin-off without Alec Baldwin and Tina Fey seems doomed to cancellation. Network execs should have learned their lesson with the failed hybrid 30 Rock from the Sun, which featured an alien (John Lithgow) posing as the producer of a skit comedy show.

In Style with Lindsay Lohan (Oxygen)

“Gas-station-men’s-room chic” never caught on with Americans like fashion experts thought it would.

This is all that remains of Gilligan's Island today, thanks to rising ocean levels.

NEW YORK – A team of concerned scientists from North America and Europe are at the United Nations this week, hoping to draw the world’s attention to critical scientific inaccuracies depicted in the television show Gilligan’s Island, which aired from 1964-67. An article detailing their 35-year-long study is to be published simultaneously in several academic science journals next month.

“We first became suspicious in 1975, watching reruns, when we noticed some elements of the show just didn’t ring true,” said researcher Brian Oblivion of Cambridge University in England. “Particularly the sequence where Gilligan floats after entering a helium-filled cave. It’s important to understand the distinction between the effects of helium and anti gravity on the human body.”

Oblivion fears for the safety of future astronauts, should NASA or some other space agency rely on the program’s faulty science when sending people to the moon or beyond.

“That show is whack,” he said.

Professor Emmett Brown of Hill Valley University, who led the research project until his shooting death in 1985, once famously quipped, “Stupid is as Gilligan’s Island does.”

Though most people involved in the production of Gilligan’s Island are deceased or in prison, lead technical consultant Buddy Little, 77, said all the criticism has stung him emotionally.

“Not only that,” he adds, “it hurts my feelings.”

Little showed reporters a coconut lie detector, one of many props from the show he keeps in his house.

“Most people don’t know this is a working lie detector,” he explains, putting it on his head. “Go ahead; ask me if it’s a working lie detector.”

Flashing green light or no, Dr. Oblivion from Cambridge is not convinced.

“Now, take a show like Lost,” he says, “There’s a reason that show is critically acclaimed and Gilligan’s Island is derided. Lost is painstaking in its scientific accuracy.”

For readers who are unfamiliar, Lost takes place on an unnamed island that is able to travel through time and space at the turn of a horizontally deposed wheel. The island also cures paralysis and cancer and is inhabited by supernatural beings, people who never age, and a malevolent smoke demon that can shape-shift into human form. Characters deploy hydrogen bombs without injury and, in the process, create alternate universes.

The show was originally called Jacob’s Island, but producers changed it to Lost in an effort to distance the production from its gilliganous predecessor.

To date, few people have been willing to speak out about TV’s other popular island-themed program, Survivor, though former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has been quoted as saying the producers rely on “junk science” to tell the Lord-of-the-Flies inspired tale.

Viewers may need to prepare themselves for yet another show featuring people on an island. An unnamed reporter is said to be pitching a one-off reality special to several networks in which Palin, Jon and Kate Gosselin, the cast of Jersey Shore, and Heidi Montag are killed and eaten by crocodiles in the first five minutes.

Little-known fact: Hot dogs are similar to snowflakes in that no two are alike

BILOXI, MS – The eyes of the world turn toward Biloxi, Mississippi this week for the 15th Annual Hot-Dog-Eating World Championship, where American star Lloyd “Jabba” Banks is an extremely heavy favorite to take home the trophy. But before Banks can gorge himself on the sweet taste of victory, he’ll have to hold off defending world champion Haruo Nakajima of Japan. Though Nakajima weighs only 99 pounds (or, as the Japanese say, “7 stone”), he chewed up the world record last year by consuming 201 hot dogs during the 20-minute contest.

Banks, who obliterates the scales at 1000 pounds, isn’t worried.

“I set a world eating record every single day, but none of you skinny f**ks is there to see it,” he said, gnawing on an ostrich drumstick. “I’m going to crush the competition. Literally. I’m going to sit on the little bastard.”

Other competitors include German champion Helga Deutschbag and New Jersey governor Chris Christie, though neither is likely to pose a serious threat to Banks.

However, the hype around this year’s event is being overshadowed by controversy.

Recently uncovered documents show that Banks’ trainers diverted food meant for the malnourished into the heavyweight’s stomach. Banks then traded the surplus food for candy bars, which turn out to be full of empty calories.

If that weren’t enough of a black eye for the contest, the Obama administration widened the plus-sized scandal last week when it installed a giant door into Bank’s New Orleans house.

“Well, it looks like the fat get fatter,” said protester Pinky Middleton from a rally in front of the Capitol Building in Washington DC. “My front door lock has been broken for months and I have to trust that stupid chain. When’s the federal government going to fix my door?”

President Obama commented on the controversy in his weekly radio address this past Saturday.

“Look. I know Americans are struggling with their own doors,” said the President, “but think what will happen if Mr. Banks is disqualified because he can’t get outside. It may be 10 years before the United States wins another hot-dog-eating championship.”

Republicans in Congress accuse the president of playing the “fat card.”

Said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, “What do you expect of a president who has his hand in the pie industry’s pocket?”