guErRilla candy is Travis Hay's one-stop destination for opinionated and informed musing about all things music, ranging from noteworthy news bits about the local scene to rants about how the national music media gets more things wrong than it does right.

Parents lash out against Schoolyard Heroes, Schoolyard Heroes fires back

Well, it looks like Ear Candy accidentally got one of its favorite bands in some hot water.

A few weeks ago the excellent album “Abominations” was released by Schoolyard Heroes. The album is hands down one of the best local releases of the year.

Shortly after Ear Candy wrote its review for the print edition of the P-I, a reader (who wished to remain anonymous) dropped yours truly an email bashing the group, calling them a bunch of “avowed Satanists.” The email was actually pretty funny considering all the farfetched claims the guy was throwing out there, so I decided to share it with my readers.

Unfortunately, the person who sent me that email was being serious and an online petition calling for an end to Schoolyard Heroes and their “avowed Satanism” was created. The petition reads in part:

We are a group of upset parents who are trying to stop a tragedy before it begins, and that tragedy is Schoolyard Heroes.

It has been brought to our attention that there is a cult of young children, ONLY 13 YEARS OLD in some cases, following this band around and running away from home. This must be stopped.

They are evil! They want to corrupt our children and drive them to murder with their fascination with the dark and evil world of Satan.

On Thursday this caught the eye of Spin and the group was given its first opportunity to respond to the controversy.

Bassist, and main mouthpiece for the band, Jonah Bergman told Spin: “It’s incredible, there’s nothing that can celebrate the ignorance of parents like this letter — how out of touch are they with the lives of their children?”

He went on to tell the magazine: “The letter’s a perfect example of why he [the author] shouldn’t be writing a letter but sitting down and understanding his kids and understanding why they’re listening to this kind of music. We as a band offer kids somewhere to go and do something positive. While some kids are out getting drunk and getting high, they can come down to a Schoolyard Heroes show and shake their ass!”

I wasn’t going to blog about this whole controversy because I didn’t want to add any fuel to the fire. And besides, I think I already did enough damage by making the original blog post that contained the reader mail calling the group “avowed Satanists.”

However, now that the band has responded and the band’s publicist assured me this is not a publicity stunt, I decided to give this controversy some cyber ink.

Here is the official response from a publicist when questioned about the legitimacy of the petition:

It’s a frigging phenomenon!!

Can you believe the responses this band has evoked!!!
Have you seen all of the threads? Its all over the place.

It’s true. Evil pumps through the veins of Schoolyard Heroes. As it turns out, this “evil” is not satanic vitriol coursing through our systems, but rather a high-calorie and high-cholesterol lunch from Burger King that is gurgling and spewing evil from our tour-hardened stomachs. Yes, my friends, the Burger King Triple Stacker is pure evil and it is currently fueling my fingers and brain as I type this sentence. Muahahahahah!!!!

Word on the street is that the “tragedy” known as Schoolyard Heroes is being followed by a rogue faction of 13 year-old runaways who we are trying to “corrupt” and “drive them to murder.” I can say with 100% certainty that nothing could be further from the truth. The death cult that is currently following us around actually has members of ALL AGES ranging from 7 to 45. There is no age discrimination here!

Apparently the evil pumping inside Jonah Bergman and the rest of the Schoolyard gang stems from the Burger King Triple Stacker. Photo by Steven Friederich

Mom and Dad: you need not worry. While many of our songs address the morose and macabre, we are not here to make your kids kill you or murder one another. You see, in our world, it is Halloween all the time. At our shows, you will not be judged, you will not be criticized for your beliefs, and you will not be indoctrinated into a world of evil. You will, however be led by us into a world of chaotic excitement, blistering rock and roll, and fun.

If you wanna take our cd’s and shirts from the hands of your children due to our lyrical content, that is your prerogative as a parent. While you are at it, make sure that your kids do not read Dante’s Inferno or Shakespeare’s Macbeth in their English classes (I hear they talk about hell and witches! Oooooo!!!!). Make sure that your kids do not learn about Renaissance painters like Hieronymus Bosch whose detailed depictions of hell and evil might inspire violence. Most of all, make sure your children do not watch the 6:00 news and hear about violent crime, famine, war, and pestilence. Oh. And “Young Frankenstein the Musical?” Mel Brooks must be the devil incarnate.

If you wanna know why your kids are listening to music like Schoolyard Heroes, maybe you should TALK to them about it. Come to a show with them. Give our record a couple spins. Understand your kids, what they are into, and why they are into it.

Don’t belittle your children or underestimate their intelligence and ability to make choices for themselves. They are a lot smarter than you think.

Sincerely,

The Devil…er, I mean Jonah.

The good news is that if you read the signatures on the petition, it looks like the fans are sticking up for Schoolyard. Also, if this was just a publicity stunt, it worked considering it got the band some national attention from Spin.

So keep on rocking the faces off all those kiddies across the nation as you wrap up your tour with Sum 41, Schoolyard Heroes. Then please come home and bless us with the delicious treat that is your annual Halloween show.