Friday, June 9, 2017

Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday #63 "Fifty Grades of Shea"

Blog buddy Sioux is hosting Back-of-the-Book-Blurb Friday.
I have 150 words to convince you to fake-buy my fake book. This week, Val dances with the devil and serves up a tale from the dark side. Do you have an appetite for just desserts? Can you stomach a dish best served cold? Are you ready to sink your teeth into Val's latest fake book? Fake-order yours today! The public is going to eat it up!

Fifty Grades of Shea

Headmaster Shea spent 50 years altering test scores, costing 50 rightful valedictorians their titles, scholarships, careers, and lives. Now those brainy, wronged graduates are getting even. No pitchforks and flaming torches for this multi-aged mob. Their revenge has been half a century in planning.

Pet food maven Mable Mablethorpe never married. Her dashed dreams of becoming a leading geneticist led her to the dog-breeding world. She built a pet-food dynasty with platonic friend Butch, a butcher who would have become a surgeon, and Shep, a veterinarian who would have become a doctor. Carnivore Chow supplies all the nutrients that meat-eating pets need, in varying consistencies, from peanut-butter smooth to chunky-crunchy for the behemoths.

Now the trio of spurned valedictorians are hosting a dinner in his honor. Will retired Headmaster Shea taste the horse tranquilizer in his tea? Will pets taste retired Headmaster Shea in their food? (146 words)

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Fake Reviews
for Val’s Fake Book

Principal Ed Rooney..."I'd rather have my left leg chewed off by the Bueller's Rottweiler while squeezing through their doggie door than ever fake-read a fake book by Thevictorian again."

Will Hunting..."I might just be a janitor from Southie who works at MIT, but I'm pretty good with numbers, and I'd say this Thevictorian woman has a negative IQ. How do ya like THEM apples, Thevictorian?"

Mr. Hand..."We don't take kindly to time-wasting here at Ridgemont High. I will never get back the portion of my life that I wasted while reading this fake book. I shall be showing up at Thevictorian's house this afternoon, to interrupt her orgy of 44 oz Diet Coke and gas station chicken, and even up the score."

Mr. Woodman..."I've seen better writing come out of Mr. Kotter's Sweathogs! This fake book is a real embarrassment."

Miss Fern..."I would give that little brat Rhoda Penmark a penmanship medal AND a writing award before I would give either to Thevictorian. And I daresay that if Claude Daigle was alive today, he would fling himself off the dock at the school picnic and drown, rather than read a single page of this fake book."

Mrs. Othmar..."WAH WAH WAH!" (Translation: That loser Charlie Brown could fake-write a better fake book that this! Even a beagle on top of a doghouse with a manual typewriter could do better! And a little yellow bird, whose only form of writing is a talon print!)

Mrs. Edna Krabbapel, in response to Mrs. Othmar..."You sing it, sister! I daresay Bart Simpson could outshine this Thevictorian woman as well. Even Ralph Wiggums could outdo her, and HE eats paste!"

Ribs on the Grill at the Whistle Stop Cafe..."The plot of this story is beyond comprehension. WHO would ever think to serve up a human in PET food? This author gets a thumbs down from me. Oh, wait...I don't have any thumbs."

Hannibal Lecter..."I wonder how this pet food would taste with some fava beans and a nice Chianti...I think those Ribs on the Grill at the Whistle Stop Cafe are out of line, and need a swift kick. The plot is absolutely believable."

Soylent Green..."Wait a minute...you mean to tell me that the PET FOOD IS PEOPLE? Or at least one person? What a twist! Like we couldn't see that coming from a century away."

WAIT A MINUTE! Is this one of those compliments like, "You don't sweat much for a fat girl," or, "Your baby is breathtaking," because I'm onto you now! Buttering me up like French muffin. Or whatever whatever they eat over there. And please don't tell me that France, like England (who knew?) is an island.

I almost enjoyed this fake read, something was lacking in the horse tranquilizer meal that began the demise of Headmaster Shea. I wondered if the dogs got sleepy after eating the new dog food? Not sure what was missing, maybe four more words would have sold it.....