Our long national nightgown is over. The Supreme Court, by a nearly unanimous
majority, has declared that Floridians should stop counting votes. This is
appropriate, since foreign interference in our eluctable processes - by Floridians or
Grecians - is inappropriate.

Turn head to face other camera. I want to thank the vice president for his
remarks. Even though he's not vice president any more, I think it was a very vice
presidential thing to do, and when Dick Cheney is vice president he'll do very vice
presidential things as well. Maybe better. Assuming he lives. But it is time
to bond up the nation's wounds, and get on with the process of stealing.

Many of you have questioned how I can take office as your president when I didn't get as
many votes as former vice president Gore. The answer relates to the Electional
College, which is a complicated matter covered by civics, which I did not take at Yale, as
I was busy being a Deke and preparing to be a wealthy white adult. You may have noticed I
have not said much these last five weeks. That is because I did not understand what was
happening, and Uncle Jimmy felt that the American people might be disturbed to think that
their president was easily confused by these events. I have been assured by my
staff, however, and by my little brother, that these events will never happen again, and
that it is thus safe for me to take office. Don't do that Alfred E. Nuemann face here.

But as for the vote thing. Sometimes facts is misleading. While I did get less
voters than Governor Gore, I got more states colored in for me on all the boards on all
the channels that night, which is important, too. Did you see all that red? Do not
smirk here. The red was for me, and while I like good Texas blue jeans and not commies I
was happy to see all that red. Like the whole west was red, except the far part.
More importantly, the vote thing is, in many reflects, like the rest of my life. Whether
it was investing $25 in the Rangers and having it become 25 million, or drilling a bunch
of empty holes in the ground and having Dad's friend buy them, well, I'm just lucky. And
maybe some will rub off on you all. If not, well.. The soft bigotry of low
expectations, et cetera.

I am a uniter, not a divider. That is why it has become necessary for me to unite
you all behind me as I have divided the nation in my efforts to unite you all. I know that
many of you believed that all those votes should have been counted. But to do so
would have risk the run that they would have been divided between me and my opponent. I
could not want to put America through that. Nor did Uncle Jimmy. So let's unite behind
that idea, and leave no child behind.

Today we begin the transistor process. Tomorrow we do some more of it. And so on,
until we're really President. I hope that all Americans, whether they are Democrats
or patriots, will join with me over the next four years or even more to accomplish my
agenda, whatever that may be. I know that many of you do not share my vision, whatever it
may be. But you may be sure of one thing: I will make no changes in the Supreme
Court, at least most of it. And for those of you who objected to my tendency to
permit executions in Texas even of retards whose lawyers slept through their trials, I can
tell you that will end. Be happy about that, see the silver lining and all.

Finally, I want to thank all of you who voted for me, and all of you who undervoted for
Governor Gore. And I want to thank my lawyers, especially Uncle Jimmy and that guy with
the big silver Elvis 'do, who was like everywhere. And my brother, who I almost
wouldn't be thanking, but am and Katherine too. So let us now turn to the task that
lays or lies before us, as the case may be. Immediately after my nap and run I'll be
aboard Texas One bound for Washington, where I'll begin reaching across aisles. I hope all
Americans are on the other side of those aisles. Grin and wink. God bless America, God
bless Texas, and especially, God bless Florida. Good night, y'all.

And, after he took office and was confident of being
King:

George Bush's Speech - Telling it like it is!

My fellow Americans. Okay, listen up! Get over it. I won. Hell, I won three or four
times, so quit yer goddam cryin'. It's gettin' real annoyin'. You Democrats should take
your tired act to the nearest garbage dump where the stench of your hypocrisy would be
better appreciated. As we say in Texas, it's time to piss on the fire. It's adios amigo,
Al. Update your resume. Me and the boys are runnin' the herd.

Here's a word of advice for any of you Democratic stiffs who think I'm gonna let bygones
be bygones. Get you some psychiatric help. Now that the GOP has the House, the Senate and
the Presidency, we're gonna stick it to you liberals real good. You think Reagan was
tough? Hell, he was a pussycat compared to me and my boys. You better enroll in a yoga
class cause you're gonna need that extra flexibility to kiss your asses goodbye. Dealin'
with us is gonna be like dancin' with a chainsaw.

And Jesse. Yeah, you Mr. Rent-a-riot Jackson. Don't come sneakin' around the White House
tryin' to apologize by leadin' us in some bogus prayer breakfast. We got long memories.
You and your pomade pal, Rev. Al Sharpto -- the bigot of Brooklyn - your phony preachin'
for those morons in Florida who think voting machines can tell what color the voter is.

Mr. Greenspan, I hope you're listenin'. As my old man used to say, "Read my lips. If
you screw up the economy you're gonna be one sorry-ass sumbitch." I don't wanna hear
any of your high falutin' excuses. Jes keep the interest rates low and go back to
frightenin' little children -- or else I wouldn't be buyin' no green bananas.

Mr. Clinton, I hope you had the carpet in the Oval office cleaned. I don't want my huntin'
dogs pickin' up anything strange, if you know what I mean. I'm still amazed you could be
three-legged dumb in the Oval office. Don't seem to bother you much. I guess old Willie
Nelson is right. Guilt is only a curse for people who care.

Oh, about that Presidential pardon. You really think your gonna need it? Hell, you could
talk a wolf off a meat wagon, so what the hell. Take your best shot. Go to trial. You're
so slippery you couldn't get convicted of playin' with your Johnson in choir practice. I'd
rather sandpaper a bobcat's ass in a phone booth naked than pardon your sorry ass, but you
never know. I might jes do it. As your buddy Ted Kennedy is fond of sayin', "We'll
cross that bridge when we come to it."

Now for the future of this great country. I've got some advice. We gotta quit lookin' for
handouts. The date on that milk carton has definitely expired. If you think Old Uncle Sam
is gonna keep shellin' out money for more useless programs, you're campin' with the wrong
clan. Those days are over. It's called "work" -- not welfare, people.

Also here's a recommendation to those foreign countries that might be watchin'. If you got
problems, fix 'em yourself. No way I'm gonna send our kids to get killed for some ancient
argument none of us understand - includin' you. And if you're broke -- too bad. You
shoulda saved some of the billions we already sent you. Our chuckwagon's empty. You done
wore a hole in our deep pockets, so beg your neighbors from now on.

Well, that's about it. Thanks for votin' for me. Like my Daddy used to say, "Hold on
to your Stetsons, cause it jes may get bumpy."

WASHINGTON, DC--Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight
years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush
assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare
of peace and prosperity is ...