the home of a dreamer and a realist.

It’s me, the neglectful realist. I’ve got something to share with you today. Something that I am excited, and terrified, to type. Life has changed completely. There are few constants that remain since my last post. Which is altogether magnificent and overwhelming. Future posts will continue to flesh out the changes, but I have just got to share my “Making Things Happen” experience.

So much joy. So much joy I could weap (again). I am in amazement at how much my life has changed. One of the ‘exercises’ at MTH was listing the 5 people we spend the most time with- and realizing how they impact our mindset and outlook on life. The point was to see where negativity might be seeping in because of those relationships. But I have to admit- I was overcome when I looked at mine. My list of 5 is not only people that I love dearly, but also 5 people who passionately want the Lord’s will for me. Who pray for me, care for me, encourage me. Who love me unconditionally.
What a difference a few months can make.

Here is an excerpt from my journal last Friday morning, as I tried to comprehend what MTH was like:

Wow. I sit here in an Atlanta hotel, and I am overwhelmed by the past 24 hours. Physically- I am exhausted. Emotionally, I can’t even begin to explain. And spiritually- I am just craving the Lord. So eager to be filled completely by Him. To stop making excuses and finally set myself up for ways to pour into Him & be more assertive about how to do that. Yesterday, I felt loved, heard, inspired, challenged, frustrated, excited, overjoyed, replenished, empty, broken, empowered, fearful- and COURAGEOUS. I am so blessed in this season of life- and yesterday, yesterday I learned that I do not want to waste my life being fearful of succeeding. Being fearful of being complacent. Being fearful of being loved. It is far more than time for me to put down my fears and hold fast to the Lord, so that I can be strong and courageous, taking heart- because HE has OVERCOME the world. My life is too short not to do things that fire me up- and Jesus-> He is my ultimate. I want to live for Him & pursue Him. I want to make these changes. I am going to make these changes. I will make it happen.

And it’s been a week since those words were written. And as true as they are, I feel stuck. My brain is cluttered with how to ‘achieve’ this new perspective. How to be the ‘best’ pupil right away, to make the ‘most difference’, to not waste the opportunity.

Stop. Refocus. Patience. I need to strive for a standard of grace, not perfection. To understand that I am called only to be faithful to His calling, not flawless. To grasp that He has already won, overcome, accomplished EVERYTHING that matters- and that my impact in this life is only to better His Kingdom. To walk joyfully, confidently, because the battle has already been won.

So I am saying that I will stop focusing on avoiding failure, but instead to just take the baby steps in the direction He leads. And I have taken three thus far. And three needs to be enough for today.

I have the upmost respect for him and his accomplishments- and the way he transformed the world in his lifetime. I am grateful (as I type on my Macbook Pro) for his influence and his willingness to create.
His impact is overwhelming.

And yet, as I read the articles, skim the blog posts, and listen to the audio clips commemorating his life- I’m struck. I’m struck by his words during the 2005 Stanford commencement speech.
Here is an excerpt:

“When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

And I get it. I understand that we should ‘semper fi’- seize the day. Live everyday with abandon.
The all-american dream. The “can-do spirit.”

But I read another article this morning- an interview with a musician my brother told me about.
And the contrast between the two philosophies is remarkable. Here is an excerpt:

“Interviewer: It’s pretty obvious that you and your bandmates have been gifted musically, and you’re pushing your creativity hard. What’s your perspective on the creative arts and how that impacts you as a Christian, and how following Jesus should impact your creativity?

John: I think my perspective as a Christian influences my art more than the other way around. I live in a city where people eat, sleep and crap their work, their art. The cultures of expertise in Chicago really are astounding. People in that tribe have a unique set of motivations, struggles, idols etc. For many of us, art is life or death, work is the end-all be-all of our existence. Not unlike Harold Abrams in Chariots of Fire who gets “10 seconds to justify his existence.” (not sure if that’s the exact quote or not). As a Christian I believe we go on forever. I’ll be writing music long after I’m dead. The urgency comes from a different place. The drama, the pageantry, the successes and failures all mean something different because fundamentally, I believe that I am free. I am free to fail or succeed or do whatever with my music precisely because the weight of my existence isn’t contingent on it.
At least that’s how it should work. I’m certainly still in process.”

What a difference. What hope.

Instead of focusing on the fleeting moment- of dreading or fearing tomorrow- as Christians, we are able to live in the moment. Not because death will eventually occur, but because eternity has already begun.
I have the hope of knowing that eternity allows me to be creative forever.

My pastor talked about grief this past week. And in community group (small group) on Tuesday, we revisited the topic. And we talked about the vast difference between
losing a believer versus non-believer. Hope versus despair. The challenge of losing a soul.

My time here on earth- it’s the only time I have to strive to bring brilliant minds with me into heaven. To share my creativity in a way that glorifies Him.
To love others in my community the way that He calls me to. To make a difference.

So yes, I guess I should live each day as if it is my last.
Not my last day to be creative- or to praise my maker- but to bring others along.

I know I haven’t been the best about blogging.
going to try to be better.
promise.

so I’ve been wrestling a lot lately. no- not physically- but emotionally and spiritually. I’ve been trying to maintain an upbeat, joyful spirit in light of my circumstances. namely, in light of being single amongst many ‘marrieds.’ and more ‘married with kids.’

Lately, most of my discussions (when I’m not being selfish and self-pitying- bleck!) have been about how so many people are seeking the “something else”, or the “what come next.” It’s so true! We focus on the future of the big X. The X can be filled in by so many things.

soulmate
kid
job
home
retirement
school

and on and on and on and on.

And yet when we focus on the constant (Jesus), not on the variable (big X), we are all on the same playing field.

I’ve been so focused on trying to find somewhere to “fit in.” to find some “singles” or “young professionals” group so I can feel understood. when in reality? everyone around me is dealing with the same thing: focused on the future, the next X, and losing sight of Jesus.

Jesus- the foundation. the Rock. the hope. the future.

You know that kids song-“the foolish man built his house on the sand/the wise man built his house upon the rock.”

but I have to admit- just the fact that there are people online (that seem relatively legit) has been quite enlightening. For someone who hasn’t been on a date for four years (and two days- who’s counting?),
it has been interesting to say the least.

For those of you unfamiliar with the process- you have to create a profile to be able to see anyone else. Ha! A profile. Like Facebook, but with twice the pressure.
There is a fine line between cute and crazy, I’ve decided.

listening: Farther Along by Josh Garrels (it’s been on repeat for two months)
eating: a butterscotch candy- an ode to childhood.
drinking: water. lukewarm, of course.
wearing: the same grey dress as last time. funny!
feeling: hopeful. (and delighting in that).
weather: hot & humid. Florida is so mean!
wanting: to hole up for a day and read a book or two.
needing: to partake of my Daily Bread for the day.
thinking: how abundantly blessed I am to have a God-fearing mom.
enjoying: that I’ve worked out two days in a row (ha!).
wondering: if I can complete an entire list of to-dos today.
wishing: I could go to my college roommate’s wedding in September.
praying: that I am hungry for His word.