April Foolish Easter

Easter, another holiday where Annie lavished herself and her son with basket, after basket filled with every kind of egg decorated with gold paint and jewels, candy, toys, money. It was the kind of holiday when Annie felt a flock of baby ducks, and a herd of baby lambs, and little chickens snuggled with new born bunnies to keep warm, were at the top of her ‘need to get’ list.

This Easter also happened to fall on a special day for Annie. First, it fell on April 1st which was the day Annie had married her ferret wife Gladys. Normally Annie would spend part of April Fool’s Day, mourning the death of Gladys, even though, Gladys (the ghost ferret) stopped by quite frequently.

“That is what you do,” Annie had remarked one year as she mourned; while Gladys sat nearby. drinking a cup of ghostly tea; she seemed to enjoy Annie’s relentless wails of grief.

The latter part of April Fool’s day was spent pranking everyone. My phone would ring repeatedly, Annie’s custom ring tone would yell, “Slam it’s me Annie.” I would answer the phone knowing Annie would be at the other end asking, “YOU ODOR EGG ROW?” She wasn’t very good at it.

Since the holiday’s fell together this year and since both were a first for Annie Jr., Annie decided it must be special and Annie Jr. seemed to have brought Annie out of her normal April 1st Day funk. Oddly Annie decided to take Annie Jr. on vacation for the Easter holiday.

I was a little sad thinking I would miss Annie Jr.’s first Easter, relieved as I would avoid a basket full of raw rotten Easter eggs, that were still wet with the exterior wall paint Annie used to color them with.

But Annie had that coupon from the failing golf course and she wanted to take advantage of it before it expired, so she packed up her customized golf cart shaped like a pile of poop complete with stink, stink lines and flies. It putted along expelling a fart like noise as it moved forward and an obnoxious smell was emitted even worse than the obnoxious smell that was already present. And she packed up Annie Jr.

Annie Jr. who could not possibly leave his pet wolf home for even one night and Annie Jr.’s basket of Easter Eggs, some good, some raw, some rotten, some ready to hatch, some unknown species and ready to hatch. Then of course, no trip would be complete without a driver.

But Annie for some reason really liked driving the poop golf cart, standing on her hind feet steering it with her front paws , laughing like a crazy lunatic when an obnoxious smell, smelled even more obnoxious than ‘normal’. So Duh-Wayne, rode shot gun, making himself useful. Annie Jr. had several bags of prank eggs he was painting to look like golf balls, Duh-Wayne was helping.

Duh-Wayne’s family, “Duh-Difficult” he was called by them, was not really happy he was going to be gone over the holiday. Curry had a melt down asking who was going to wear the traditional Easter Bunny costume and hop around the back yard planting eggs filled with $20 bills, winning lottery tickets, $100 gift cards, silver and gold in very obvious places for good little girls with names like Abe and Bryan to find. Spam, who had Annie sitting on one knee and Annie Jr. on her other, said in a cold harsh voice, “I think you are spending just a little bit too much time with this ‘Annie’ person.” “Yeah, Duh-Wayne,” Annie echoed.

They all even pointed out that Duh-Wayne didn’t even play golf, however Duh-Wayne just shrugged and said, “It’s free!” As if that was all that mattered, since Annie was paying.

It didn’t really matter anyway, before Abe and Bryan even wiped the sleep out of their eyes, on Easter morn, Duh-Wayne was home; the trip suddenly cut short.

It happened this way, Annie decided since it was April Fool’s day that she should trade golf carts. They were about half way through the course when Annie spotted a golf cart with what she called a ‘precedental seel’ on it.

“It was just sitting there empty,” Annie explained to me later.

Leaving the poop cart behind, the trio if you didn’t count the wolf, headed onto the next hole. It was Duh-Wayne’s turn. Annie Jr. placed the ball on the tee and Duh-Wayne gave it a healthy whack. Instead of the ball busting on impact and emitting a horrible stench or freeing a baby bird or baby reptile, the ball actually flew through the air.

Duh-Wayne made a hole in one, however it wasn’t the right hole. It was a rabbit hole, a big rabbit hole, a rabbit hole owned by an important rabbit.

Now every single person knows that the Easter Bunny has a huge candy making factory in a hole under the ground. All year he and his barn yard or woodland friends or a combination of both depending on who is telling the story, lay eggs and make candy. Every single person also knows that although Walmart and dollar stores and grocery stores and drug store sell the exact same candy, the jelly beans, chocolate bunnies, and eggs filled with yolky looking sweetness are 100 times better when made in the factory beneath the earth and delivered to your basket by a rabbit pushing a wheel barrow filled with candy through the night to well behaved children.

It was that rabbit and that hole where Duh-Wayne got his first and only hole in one. Now having a ball zoom through the air at top speed and land in your hole can cause a great deal of damage. Thank goodness, the bunny and his friends had left on vacation as soon as the last egg was hidden and no one was hurt.

Had the ball simply landed in the hole the damage would have been substantial, but fixable. This ball exploded. It exploded because it was April Fool’s Day and everyone had prank balls.

After that Annie decided she had her 50 cents off worth and turned around the cart with the ‘precedental seel’ on it. She found her poop cart a short ways behind her, a baby duck, a baby turtle, and a baby lizard sat on the seat. A short distance away was a man with yellow hair in tan pants, white shirt and red hat shaking his golf club screaming, “WHY DO MY BALLS STINK?” whenever he teed off.

Duh-Wayne and the Annie’s along with the wolf and poop cart teleported home a short time later. Annie had business to conduct. She called the Easter Bunny and offered him a hole on her golf course which wasn’t failing and wasn’t exploded. It was a win win for Annie. She got rent money for a hole in the ground and the yard smelled like marshmallow shaped chickens covered with pastel colored sugar.

Duh-Wayne got to dress as a deranged Easter Bunny and hide eggs for Abe and Bryan. I got to enjoy Annie Jr. on his first Easter. He and Annie both sitting on a mountain of candy gobbling it as fast as their mouths could move.

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