So ........I went to a speed dating activity tonight. I know what you are thinking to yourself now. Erica- why do you need to speed date when you are so fabulous? Erica-how did you fight off all the men who didn't want to leave your scintillating conversation? Erica- how do you decide who to date and who to let down after such a horde of men are introduced to you???

Friends- I write this blog to answer all your burning questions.

1. Erica why do you need to speed date when you are so fabulous?

My fabulous lifestyle lately has left me with no time to meet any fabulous men. I also watch millionaire matchmaker and wondered if I could stand up to the competition of a roomful of women. I believe Patty would be proud me. I looked good and only talked about fun things and avoided awkward questions or depressing topics when able.

Why these same men can't just talk to people at dances when they are obviously not dancing either is a mystery to me but if speed dating is what it takes, so be it.

2. Erica how do you fight off all the men who don't want to leave your scintillating conversation?

First we are assuming it's not just me talking. I could talk forever as we all know. I was however limited to four minutes. Fortunately there were many amazing conversationalists besides myself and you are about to reap the benefits of conversational tidbits heard around the room.

After a warning NOT to ask stupid questions like "what animal would you be?" in the dating intro......

What inner animal are you? I am half hawk and half zebra. (Which half is which? is my question)

Do you believe in love at first sight?(Not now)

Did you know I drove all the way from Waco to do this?(my dad's comment- so you had to get away from where the locals knew your MO?)

A lady asks...So what do you do? I'm a carpenter.....like my older brother(said with gravity and reverence)

Do you like children?(no I'm a pediatric nurse because I hate kids)

You're a pediatric icu nurse? How do you feel when babies die? (Like I should have taken my lunch before their vitals started crashing....it makes me sad too duh!!!) I heard that one multiple times if you can believe it.

And then this gem.....

So what do you do?I'm a pediatric cardiac nurse. Oh.....my heart is in the medical field and I got into nursing school but I never went.Really, why?Well no offense, but my mom told me I was smart enough to be a doctor.Oh...so you're a doctor?No I'm a software engineer. I had my first son and decided to drop out. (CRICKETS).......So you DO know that there are reasons to be a nurse and not a doctor that have nothing to do with brains. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to be a doctor if you were smart enough.I wanted to care for people instead of diagnosing people and walking away.I only changed my mind because the schooling took too long. I'd still like to tell people what's wrong with them. (stifling sarcastic comment/laughter) Well I just want to take care of sick people so that's why I'm a nurse. AND SCENE

3. Erica how do you decide who to date and who to let down after such a horde of men are introduced to you?

It's actually pretty easy. First we eliminate like the first 10 men I talked to because they were over 50 and were supposed to be in a different dating circle but when no women showed in the bad weather they told them to join the young circle. WHAAATTTT??!!! And they did. In a long line starting with me and my friends and wasting an hour of hour time talking to men with grandchildren. AND yet they still would visibly cross us off their dating list as certain points in the conversation. I was all GRAMPS I WAS NEVER AN OPTION!!! But I digress. Then we finally get to the men in their 40's divorced with grown children. After talking to gramps these seemed more like an option. But they were figuring out their careers still or wanted us women to have exotic and interesting hobbies and then made faces at them like our hobbies were not up to par......and when asked their hobbies said spending time with my kids. Really? Your only interest? We'll have that in common then.

Oh, one told me he was disappointed I was so young and didn't play sports regularly. Ewwwwwwww.

Then we move on to the men my own age.....oh no wait. .....we don't. They never made it around the circle to us. SO we still don"t know any men our own age or even close. FAB. What a productive way to spend my time.

So if we count all the men who I talked to charmingly and asked for my number at the end we come to a grand total of ZERO. And my other friends ZERO. The Zebra/Hawk asked to Facebook us all which totally does not count.

And I forgot my favorite Hot Pink Super Huge Bowl at the activity in my haste to get the %$$% out of Dodge by that point. Poo. I loved that bowl.

You left out the part where the first 4-5 men that Porter talked to told them that they had hearing problems after she told them she was an audiologist. Truly unforgettable night...even though I would like to forget it...I never will...