Friday, January 28, 2005

I had told you before that I will give an update on The Bachelor. Before this I was really consumed by it. Hahaha.. Maybe I just have too much time in my hands. Nonetheless, today I just can't stomach it. I won't say anymore on how bitchier Trish get.. But actually I had just type it.. So there,the harm is done. Overall.. all I seen is a lot of kissing and less talking and I just can't stomach it any longer. Therefore I had taken channel surfing to prevent myself from puking out everytime I see Jesse hell bent on kissing and making out with every girl. He is undoubtedly the cutest Bachelor so far, but I also think he also like making out with various gals a little tad bit too much. If you wanna eliminate a girl (in this case Suzie) give her a peck or a decent kiss.. you don't kiss /grab/pillows all flying every direction and send her home the next day. I like the part when Jenny came and told the gals the truth, and Trish expression, she just STOP being friendly with the gals then since I think she felt betrayed. Ahh.... Asrol will think I am making too much of this.. but hey.. a shiftless girl need to have a hobby.
Oh yeah.. the final 4 rose.. were given out to: Trish (Don't get me started), Jessica B., Tara, Mandy J. Can't say I am surprise though. But no problemo.. the show will go on.. which is next week.. And I will undoubtedly have more time at hand in typing my view on this.

Now the part where no sickening reality show is. I had just finished reading Memoirs of A Geisha. Its not the first time I read it, I think this is probably the 4th or 5th time I read it. (When I like a book, I am weirdly attached to it). But by reading it again and again, I am growing even more a deep respect towards the book and the author which is Arthur Golden. Those who have not read the book.. I do advised you to read it. It is a sweet, poignant book. Written so beautifully about the women with the white make up. One of the reasons that I like books because it transport you to the author's world like no movies can. But in this books, the descriptive words in portraying the Geisha life. I felt like I was there watching Sayuri life from childhood to womanhood. When the author describes how Sayuri held up her hand to watch how the setting sun will looks on her skin, I found myself doing the same.

The character here which I found I liked the most is Sayuri 'older sister', Mameha. To me she is the strongest character of this book. Sayuri is uncertain, too naive even when older. But Mameha is a woman in her element. She can be demure, but she shock peoples in the way you might feel a little jolt of electricity when your crush somehow brush their hand against your skin. I find myself appreciating geisha, on how hard to make a job of keeping men interested in you. Interesting job. Daunting, but interesting. Perhaps is THE job for women on the 18th century at Japan. And I felt glad that my first impression of a geisha is not some kind of prostitutes, but my first impression of a geisha; when I was little and looking at their picture in my book of all scenery in Japan, was a performer. And the truth is not that far from my first impression.
I felt a little melancholy I guess. Since the book mainly is about Sayuri quest on the man of her dream. And the question that she keeps popping out is.. What she going to do when she realized that the man of her dream are in no way attainable to her? And this is the question that I myself am dreading. As Sayuri realized on her effort in loving him had becoming almost hopeless
" And yet if I drew my thoughts back from him, what life would I have? I would be like a dancer who had practices since childhood for performance she would never give "

I am tiring myself out with all this typing. So I will stop. Till later

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

I had a dream. Not the daydream sorta things. My dream when you sleep. I dont always enjoy my dreams since I always dream of ghosts, murderers, being chased and HIM.
But this dreams make me dont wanna wake up.
I dream of a man. I cant remember his face. He came to me and ask me to dance. And dance we did in a catacomb, under the moonlight in a pool of water reaching to our knees surrounded by ancient pillars. It was a beautiful dream, it was a beautiful dance. And later I was sobbing quietly under my pillows. And he came.. and wiped my tears away, holding me. Telling me he is here now and not to be sad again.
I doesnt know what does it signify. Perhaps it signify nothing. Perhaps it signify my wants.

Lets take a ramble down my thoughts. Where the points don't matter and logic are thrown out of the window. In another much simpler words, I have no idea what to post. My last post was surely a gloomy one. I think the hols are doing to me a whole lots of bad rather than good. I think I needed to take a break from holidays. I am starting to be one of those pessimists and are prone to think of disagreeable things such as dying to be a spinster with nothing to eat but bread and be fat and idle.

I have a premonition..( more like my mom told me) my 2 sisters will come down to JB tonight, therefore I won't get a chance to use the Internet when peoples are overflowing in my house. And I have my niece to contemplate with. But it is annoying since I am now seems to fall into depression state. Kinda like moping around the house and grew irritable with everyone day by day. I hate applying jobs and boasted to peoples of my meagre knowledge and thinking how a girl with no apparent skills, nervous when talking to people she don't know and no idea what she wants have to offer herself to a company. How I wish sometimes I was a 18th century socialites and all I have to do is simpers and marry a man with considerable fortune ( I am reading too much Georgette Heyer novels). Right now am also hearing at the radio Ashlee Simpson interview.. When I was a schoolgirl I think I was interested in hearing all this rubbish about what artist wanna say about themselves... Never cease to wonder sometimes how silly a girl can be when at a young age without realizing it. Always about me, me and me. Now being an irritable jobless graduate, it just grate on my nerves. And she kept on repeating ", its like i like doing things..,Like I want to like her .., Like I am living like.., Is Like I can't sings, I Like talking rubbish about things, I like blaming other ppls when I can't sings at live show....." .. ok.. ok I am making some of it up.. but you get the ideas. All the likes being crammed in one interview is bound to rattle one nerves. And I am much too lazy to change the frequency.

And what most horrifying is... I am fast finishing my stocks of feel good novels. And anything left in a few days will be a serial murderous books, monsters, perverted nature human act and (Gasp, shudders, shake of head) medical dictionaries. It is to be known by me.. I will sooner or later will be thrown into a state of melancholia.

Oh today is the bachelor.. What lies I will see today. I will keep you guys posted on what my thoughts.. but much later I think. When I got the chance. Anyhow.. Selamat AidilAdha to Muslims.

Friday, January 14, 2005

You see, I always wanted to say something serious here. Not becoz I wanted to make a difference or whatever, I don't care for things like that. I am nearing 23! So I am jaded already.. haha. But I just like to mull things over. There are something that try as you might. Other won't understand. Like Taqi trying to understand what the hell I was trying to say on my last post. But I remembered telling him, I won't tell him too much about whats in my heart and head now. I am afraid of jinxing it. And even telling it a little, I think I had manage to jinx it. Its just when others don't know about things, you don't feel as suffocated. Its refreshing to not have peoples watching you, calculating your moves, gauging your feelings. It can be apain trying to hold it all in by urself. But in a way.. its a whole new feeling I need to explore.

I have this creeps about older guys. I have a bad experience when. I won't tell. But I hate it when older guys , sizing you up, looking at you, and a smile lurking. It is so creepy. I have this creeps about a guy around my house who's keep on watching me even though I am at his back. I am not imagining things nor am I vain. I know when a guy look at me or not. And from his eyes.. I dont like it. Its not like I think he will jump on me. Just that sometimes, from the eyes you can almost see what they are thinking. Women have it hard. We need to be wary all the time. And if something bad happened to us, the dirt will usually leveled on the women. I remembered a rape and murder case of a 16 year old. The media was really intent in trying to find out if the gal was a tramp at school. No one deserve that, whatever they do, tramp or not. Thats why I hate the media in Malaysia. Not because of political reason. It is so full of prejudice and misperceptions of our community itself. I am not talking of only Malay. Chinese, Indians, Bidayuh.. all of us share the same guilt. Being through the horrendous experience was traumatic enough, but people then throwing askance looks at you, and wondering what kinda life you led.... thats is even more damaging than the act performed by the animal itself. Our way of healing thought by many is probably is to shut our mouth and locked her away. Many of you out there would probably say things like, no.. thats not the way how it works, we are an understanding lots. How many of us really do understands what they went through.... I remembered when I was in school, I was shock to discover, that there are quite a number of gals I knew had experienced traumatic experience on sexual abuse. I am talking about abuses suffered when you are less than 10 year old. If any of your comments will try to make excuse that it is the girl fault.. I will find you and skinned you alive. And don't say that no one would blame a little girl. I had known peoples who do blame them. See what kinda community we do live in,right. I am not saying I am upholding justice.. or whatever. Just try to see what sicks human being we had turn out to be. When even a little girl was not spared, either by the act itself or by the accusatory stares and tones of the so called sympathetic community. Even in our own kinds (women), we can't find solace. And in turn, we can only rely on oneself and try to make life bearable day by day. I saw my friends one by one crumbled under the unbearable burdens trying to keep the memory out. Some of us succed, some of us not. Those who succeed may be sitting next to you, laughing, crying, joking over petty everyday things. Those who not... are destroying the essence of their lives even as I type now. a

I had before this aired my unofficial view on the new Bachelor eps. I seems to be having a fever. Hence I will not be giving details. But just say.. that Trish the bitch is staying on. Urgh.. and my opinion of Jesse the Bachelor had somewhat lessened by the number of women he try to make out with. Of course this is a dating game so kissing is necessary. But then.. kinda like all the kissing had come as somewhat like a blur to me.. and it looks so.. played out. Jesse's friend is dissapointed that he is adamant to try to like Trish despite Jenny telling him that Trish had slept with married men before and not sorry, and think their wives are dumbass for not knowing. But of course, Jesse being a man and being with a woman looking supermodel-like, will not care. And Jenny will not be there to tell him which one is the nice one since Jenny had not been given a rose. Yikes! But I guess the man have to make decisions by himself from now on... yeah.. be a true man.. I guess.. whatever that means.

And of course the creepiest moment when one of the gal who is desperate for the Bachelor attention, went to ogle, touched, caress and almost molested the poor guy. The guy was seen shuddering afterwards. Even I cringe looking at her doing it. I guess classy all the way is the way to do it!

And back to me.. tonight I had paced my bedroom floor, felt my cheeks reddening and fingers trembling. I had not done and felt that for ages. I know why I unconciously and distractedly did that, only afterwards I always wondered at myself... on my ability to do that when I thought I had manage to lose it.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Yes peoples, I had graduated. I passed all my last semester exams with not quite flying colors.. more like the colors are dragging its feet. Strangely am feeling numb, numbly trying to think why I am not excited, nor sad. Well.. whatever

Monday, January 10, 2005

This is depressing. I feel depressed. I like blogging. It seems to keep me sane. I don't care about eradicating poverty, stopping violence, or other worthwhile stuff. Evil had been lurking since the start of time. With my worthless opinion, it won't suddenly stop and kow towed to me. So .. go ahead evil. We are all doomed anyway. There is no such things as true happiness. Those who experience it are airheads. I am in my hate all mood now. Therefore excuse my lackdaisical attitude towards the fate of humankind.

I felt depressed watching the news. But that it is all I can seems to do. I felt hopeless watching the suffering of others. I felt even angry knowing that they are peoples stealing a pathetic 10 seconds of limelight in trying to relate an equally pathetic opinion to the public. I felt even angrier that the media is having a fest of this. I felt like throwing things at ignorant fools. I felt like throwing more bigger and lethal objects at ignorant authority figure fools making statement to the media. I read the paper. I looked on the between the lines of the articles. I felt even more hopeless.

Peoples are crying and suffering. I am angry I can't change the world.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Due to half of my readers request (which counts to only 2) for me to update my not so much blog, I will I will.

I am at JB now. Home sweet Home. or so it seems. Everything here is fine. Normal. Excepting my brother hair. Whenever I saw him around the house I had the unpleasant view of a junior version of Alleycats. I told him to get a haircut.. he doensnt look cool despite any attemps made in combing and moussing his hair. Nonetheless being in my family and inheriting our stubborn genes, he refused my advice and keep on thinking he have the coolest hair around and he look darn good looking. Even birds are thinking to start a nest on his head. Enough description. I had enough viewing of the ridiculous "head piece" and are made to walk publicly beside him, I don't need to imagine it in my head anymore than possible.

Anyhow, I would also like to give my unofficial view of The Bachelor. The one I am seeing is currently Jesse something.. who cares anyway.. He is a quaterback of NFL something something.. therefore a great catch. I have a sneaking suspicion he is a lil bit of an idiot. Not like the other Bachelor. The other Bachelors before this are a bit perverted, manipulative, womanizer and and a liar. This Jesse guy from this one eps seems kinda honest but a bit ..well as I said above. The gals are not that great either. The one I think who's spark off intelligence is his best friend Jenny who is also the spy for the Bachelor thingies. Most of them are either gold diggers, airheads and yeah.. pretty (in well proportioned kinda way). Not suprising. And not surprising either these are the gals who get to the top 10. Even though his best friend effort to point out who's the piece of work, the kinda girl who am sure just in it for the money (marry the guy, divorce him in 2 years time and take all his money), but this are the kinda gals of course Jesse had his eyes upon. If I am Jenny, I had hit him on the head with the rugby ball.

The piece of work I am talking about is Trish. She is a model therefore OF COURSE the guy like him the most. And she got the 1st alone date. She boasted to the other gals, she doesnt want to settle down, just wanna find a rich guy, so she could have lotsa maids to look after her. So the other gals are pretty disgusted with her.
The most hilarious thing is that quote " I hate kids, ... the messy ones, the one you see in the grocery store with bits of lollipop side of their mouth". well that is not the hilarious part, she told Jesse like she doesnt wanna have kids, and this poor guy kinda went silent and looked very very shocked saying "Family is very important to me" (I give one point for this guy for saying this), and just keep silent.. until this Trish, knowing she said the like MOST the wrong thing amended her statement.. " Well... I dont wanna have 5 or 4 kids... I want 1 or 2". And this Jesse loooks kinda relieved. (So I will take back my point I given to him earlier, seeing Trish hesitated so long to give that not so convincing answer and he sooo stupid to believe that) . I also took a minus point on Jesse, since he is so stupid to give the manipulative b**** a rose even though Jenny (his best friend, the one he said he trusted the most to get him going on this show..bahh)said to him that Trish is high maintenance and only interested in money. Jesse is of course smitten with the piece of work and said "Trish intrigued me in so many different ways" I can solve that intriguing questions; money, great apartmen, connections, cars, maids. May they be happy forever. Well it is still very early.. only 2nd eps. But I am greatly annoyed with this guy. So.. whut? Guys finding a model and their mind turned to mush? Or is their mind already a mush to start with so when a model come along she just twirl him around like a cotton sticky candy. Baaahhh~ This Bachelor thingies are not improving my perceptions on mankind.