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Sunday, October 11, 2015

It has been a few a weeks since we’ve updated our adoption
blog. We thought we’d fill you all in on what’s happening. First, Eliana is
growing like crazy (as you’ve likely seen in some FB pictures). She is wearing
6-9 month clothes comfortably and weighed in at 17 lbs 2 oz Friday at her
4-month check up (putting her in the 92nd percentile). She is
discovering her voice and is thinking about rolling over. Parenthood is a lot
of work but a lot of fun.

In the months leading up to Eliana’s arrival, our focus was
split between reading books about parenting and fundraising for her adoption.
On both fronts we’ve come a long way. People have been so generous throughout
the entire process too. So many things were given to us and so many people have
stepped in and supported us with their time and resources. Between individuals
donating, adoption grants, and our own contributions we’ve been able to raise
71% of the adoption costs! For that we want to say thank you. We’re blown away
by your generosity.

A few months back, a family member designed this puzzle as
part of our fundraising efforts. The idea was that each piece would represent a
dollar amount we needed to come up with to fund our adoption. As you can see
we’re mostly done but have a little left. We can’t wait to reveal the finished
product, but there is also a message on the back of the puzzle. We want to
write the names of people and organizations that have helped fund Eliana’s
adoption. The puzzle will be a visual representation of others helping us put
our family together.

Consider this post the beginning of our final fundraising
push. In the spirit of full disclosure there are still a couple
grants/scholarships we’ve applied for but have not heard back from. But the
remaining 29% you see here is roughly $8,200. It is hard to ask for more money
because it feels like we’re not being grateful enough for what’s already been
given. We are very grateful. But throughout this entire process we’ve tried to
be very honest about things on this blog and in person.

That said, this outstanding debt is a bit of a burden, as
many people understand. We’ve been chipping away at it monthly since we got
back from New York but our agency expects us to pay our balance off sooner
rather than later to cover operating costs for other adoptions. They’ve been
working with us as well to come up with fundraising ideas.

3 ways to give:

1. Check out our You Caring page. This page will be
the main tally for what we still owe. (2.9% goes to a processor’s fee)

2. Make checks payable to Bethany Christian
Services and indicate the donation is for Adam and Lauren Dolson.The address is 901 Eastern Avenue NE, PO BOX
294, Grand Rapids, MI. 49501. (It is important to note that since money is
going specifically to our account, there is no tax deduction.)

3. Send us funds directly. Inbox us if you want to
do this and we’ll send you our address.

Again, we are so grateful for all that everyone has given us
up to this point. We’ve been overwhelmed with your prayers, financial support, time
and for helping us welcome Eliana into our family. It is hard to even ask for
more and please do not feel obligated. We promise to keep you updated as the
weeks go by and to keep posting pictures of our beautiful girl!

Monday, August 17, 2015

Life has been crazy busy lately,
with a newborn baby and all, so I am sorry it has taken us so long to share the
details of how we were matched with Eliana. We held off from posting many
details about it because when we were matched to a birthmother there were
certain factors that were risky and we did not really know if this whole
situation would pan out. All we could do at the time was pray. But Eliana is
with is now, so if you have a few minutes today, here is our adoption story!

In late April, we received a call
from our social worker telling us a birthmother from New York had seen our
online profile and was interested in us. We were one of three families she was
considering for adoption. This came as a total shock to Adam and I because
never in last several months did anyone ever find our online profile and show
any interest—and certainly not in another state! The usual drill is that we
would receive in state “circulars” about potential adoption situations sharing
the birth family’s history, health, and their wishes for adoption. We would
then read through it and choose whether to be thrown into the pool of other
people saying yes to this situation. This particular situation was so
drastically different because a birthmother was seeking us out, she found us,
and from New York nonetheless! At the time we were already in the top three for
another adoption situation. To top that off, earlier that day we learned news
that we received a great deal of money from friends that helped us get a
matching grant all towards our adoption expenses. That day was so crazy because
our adoption seemed to go from zero to 60. That day, I really knew that God was
doing something huge.

A couple
days later we learned that the other adoption situation that we were in the top
three for was no longer a possibility. The birth family chose another family, which
was still hard for us. We were used to this feeling. In the year we were
waiting for a baby we were in the top three seven times! We were still hopeful
about the New York situation, and to be honest this situation always intrigued
us the most because it was so drastically different than all the other local
situations.

The next day, on April 30 I received
a call from our social worker telling us that the New York birthmother chose
us! She was due with a baby girl June 23, and she wanted to meet us soon!
Getting that much-anticipated phone call was so amazing! I was babysitting at
the time with kids I nannied for and we were at the playground. I just remember
pacing around the playground on the phone, pinching myself to make sure it was
actually true! As amazing as the news was I was still paralyzed by fear. The
distance scared me. There were a few legal matters in this case that scared me,
and the possibility of the birth mom changing her mind loomed in the back of my
head.

Everything in me wanted to call
Adam while he was at work and tell him the amazing news but I refrained because
I wanted to see his face in person. I picked him up from work that day and I
just remember him looking at me and saying, “you’re really smiley today.” When
I told him the news he was in disbelief. I told him I was serious that we were
finally chosen and he was so excited! On the ride home we both began to call
our close family and friends to tell them the good news. People were ecstatic
for us! There were many tears shed, and we went out that night to celebrate!

Adam and I made plans a few days
later to travel to New York that next week and meet the birthmother. We made
the long trek to New York on May 9, filled with excitement, nervousness, and
uncertainty. We really received very little information about the birthmother
and her situation and so we didn’t know what to expect. We prayed so hard for
that meeting.I can honestly say I have
never been so nervous in my whole life.

Before the meeting we drove around the
city trying to calm our nerves and we prayed a lot! The meeting went so well
with the birthmother and so many of our questions and concerns were answered!
We connected with the birthmother so much and we instantly felt connected to
her and her family. There were very specific prayers that we prayed that were
answered during that meeting, and we again were feeling so excited and
thankful! We left New York feeling very confident and excited!

The weeks that followed the meeting
were filled with a crazy mix of emotions. There were still certain legal
matters that were red flags in our minds, but Adam and I decided long ago to
just say, “yes” to this situation. There were days when fear gripped my heart
so tightly and I would have dreams of all of this falling through. Every time
Adam and I would begin to go through these feelings of fear and uncertainty we
would pray—very bold specific prayers—and sure enough the very next day, we
would receive news that calmed our fears.

We began to make preparations for
having a baby in our home, which strangely enough had been put aside for so
long because we were so focused on adopting. We painted her nursery, bought a
few baby items, painted some furniture, and just eased into this idea. Deep
down we were both scared to go crazy and buy tons and tons of baby things (even
though we wanted to). It felt so strange to see that nursery door always
open—we kept it closed for a long time—and to see baby things multiply every
day. We were so thankful, so prayerful, and really just waiting for the birth
mom to go into labor.

And then came the text—three weeks
early! We received the text at 2:30 AM June 2 informing us that the birthmother
was in early active labor! We were again thrown for a loop, but we had been
praying that baby girl would be born early, and sure enough she was on her way.
We packed liked zombies in the middle of the night and by some miracle we were
on the road by 3:30 AM Tuesday morning. That drive seemed to take forever! We
were pretty much prepared with the basics for having a new baby, but because
she was early we had not nailed down living arrangements once we were in New
York. We had a few options fall through and it was nerve-wracking trying to
find something. We knew that once the baby was born we would have to stay in
New York for at least two weeks to clear up legal matters, get papers signed,
and for interstate paperwork to be cleared.We journeyed closer and closer and this baby girl was really on her way!

We got to New York and the first
thing we did was buy a car seat. There was a baby shower in Michigan planned
for that coming weekend, and we had banked on getting a car sear then. The baby
had other plans and the shower happened regardless (We made a Skype appearance).
We checked into a hotel in New York and waited until we had the green light to
come to the hospital. This waiting was very hard for us. It was the hospital
that made me the most nervous. Emotions are highest, the labor is always hard,
and we knew the baby would be beautiful. We finally received a text later that
day saying that baby girl was born at 4:48 PM, weighing 7 lbs 5 oz and was 20
inches long.

We received a call a few hours
later telling us we could come and see her. We were so overjoyed! Driving to
the hospital that evening was so unbelievable! We did not know what to expect.
This was the moment we had been anticipating for so long, and we knew we had to
be sensitive to the birth family. When we arrived at the hospital we found
everyone there in high spirits and genuinely happy. When we looked at and held
our beautiful baby girl for the first time, she really did take our breath
away. She was so perfect in every way, and she was here! It was such a fine
balance to be excited and also to be sensitive to the birth family. We stayed
at the hospital until visiting hours were up and then headed back to our hotel
on cloud nine.

The next morning I woke up consumed
with fear. Fearful, because we were not at the hospital (like we originally
thought we could be, but the hospital would not allow us to) and we had no idea
what was going on. We were waiting on the birth family to give us the green
light to come and visit again, and we were not getting any new information.
This morning was by far the hardest day for me. It took all my strength not to
run to the hospital and hold our baby girl, but I knew it was not my place. We rehearsed what we knew: the birth mother
had a meeting that day with the social worker at 11:00 A.M. and as far as we
knew, she was following through with the adoption. Instead of being
over-bearing and nosey, we decided to wait until after 1:00 PM before we called
anyone.

We spent time in prayer and in the
Word that morning, just trying to be in the moment without getting overwhelmed.
We had not heard any bad news and God had led us to this point. I will never
forget how I felt getting ready that day. My heart was so fearful and scared
and I was praying all day. Then all of a sudden, as if in a soft whisper, I
could hear God say “she is going to be yours, trust in me”. I did not know what to do so Adam suggested we
get lunch. As we pulled up to the restaurant, the phone rang. It was the New
York social worker. She reassured us that the adoption was still moving forward
and the birth family just wanted a day with the baby and some visitors. Thank
you, Lord. It was 1:00 PM.

We made a wise choice and decided
to escape into nature for the afternoon. We knew there was nothing we could
accomplish waiting all day at the hotel. So we got in the car and drove up into
the mountains. We spent the afternoon talking about baby names and appreciating
some of the most amazing waterfalls in the country. It was what we needed. This
was also the day we nailed down our long-term housing arrangement. A church
connection with the birth family found an attic apartment for us to rent out
short term. It was close to where we needed to be and in a quiet country
community. Little did we know that this apartment would be our home for the
next five weeks.

On Thursday, June 4, we drove to
the hospital in the afternoon with the car seat. Once again, we found ourselves
feeling pulled separate directions emotionally and unsure about how to act. The
plan was for mother and baby to be discharged that afternoon, and we would take
the baby with us. I was still slightly afraid of leaving with an empty car
seat, the image taunting me for weeks leading up to this moment. We prayed
before going inside and again, God showered grace on the whole situation. We
spent time with the birth family, watched the baby get changed and took lots of
pictures. On the way back to our apartment, Adam stayed in the slow lane.

Eliana came home from the hospital
a very healthy baby. There were some minor concerns about her coloring and her
birth weight so we would end up going to her pediatrician every few days for
them to weight her until she gained her birth weight back. The first three days
with her were a little difficult, as any first-time parent understands. We took
turns waking up to feed her and Adam changed a diaper for the first time. After
switching her onto a formula that agreed with her belly and after she settled
into life with us, things really began to feel normal. She even made an
appearance at her baby shower in Jackson (via Skype).

Besides caring for a newborn baby,
our time in New York was focused around the legal process and trying to focus
on something besides the legal process. What I mean is that adoption tends to
be a long process that requires patience. In our case alone, we had a Michigan
case worker from our adoption agency, a New York case worker from the same
agency, an attorney representing the birth family, each state’s Department of
Human Services, and, because it was an inner-state adoption, the Interstate
Compact on the Placement of Children (ICPC). Each entity had to be in
communication with the others, ensuring that all the right papers, laws and
requirements were being addressed appropriately. We felt immersed in red tape. On
top of that, Adam was still making sure his employer had everything they needed
to approve his paternity leave, which of course was complicated because this
was a pending adoption. We had to occupy ourselves.

We forced ourselves out of the
house everyday to alleviate the cabin fever, and found that update New York is
an amazingly beautiful place. We visited state parks, waterfalls, lakes, arboretums,
a bird sanctuary and a local Ivy League school’s campus. In our neighborhood,
we took walks, talked with neighbors and walked to get ice cream. Adam was able
to go on runs too. We saw a few storms come through and managed to go to church
as a family. Life was simple in the day to day, and we really appreciated that
we were able to spend so much time with our baby. On top of that, we got to
know the birth family better and spent time with them.

There was one particular legal
matter that was holding the process up however. Without sharing more details,
we knew this was a crucial step and that the adoption could not continue
without it being resolved. Additionally, we would not be able to sign any
placement papers until this issue was resolved. Eliana was technically in the
placement of our adoption agency at this time, but since they had conducted a
home study with us, they were able to place the baby in our temporary care
until the placement for adoption was approved. Lastly, the ICPC would not allow
us to leave the state until the baby was legally placed in our care for
adoption. New York was an amazing place and God had placed us in a family of
believers; but we still wanted to be home.

The waiting and apparent lack of
progress did wear on us, but every time we started to lose hope, we would get a
visitor. Someone from the birth family’s church would stop by with a meal and
pray with us. Adam’s brother and sister-in law drove out to see us for a
weekend. My dad met us in another city and put us up in a hotel for a few days.
People Skyped with us and called. Adam’s parents came out and rented a house
for a week. A couple from our Bible study happened to be passing through the
area on a family vacation and met us for breakfast. Seeing familiar faces and
just how much everyone cared for us was absolutely the thing that kept us
going. Eliana was loved by so many, very early.

Getting to know the birth family
was also a very special and important part of our time in New York. We were
taken in as part of the family and shared several meals together. They brought
us food, told us about fun things to do in the area and showed Eliana so much
love. In a difficult situation like this one, you never know what to expect,
but they were so gracious and Christ-like with us. We do consider them family
now, in more ways than one.

After more than a month in New York, the last
legal issue was finally resolved and we were ready to signs some papers. We
were able to sign the placement papers on Wednesday, June 24 and our
application to leave the state with Eliana was sent to Albany the same day.
Once it was approved, Eliana would legally be in our care and her case would be
a pending adoption. On Thursday and Friday we heard very little and knew that
nothing would be processed over the weekend. We spent one last weekend in New
York, knowing that we would be approved the following week. It was a great time
to reflect on how much God had done in New York, both in providing for us and
in teaching us how to wait. We started saying our goodbyes and packing things
up. On Monday morning, around 9:00 AM, the New York case worker texted Adam,
“You guys are good to go.” We cleaned
the apartment and were on the road back to Michigan by Noon.

In the seven weeks we have been
back home in Grand Rapids, we have adjusted to life with a baby. Adam spent a
week at home before returning to work, and I stay home with Eliana. She had her
two-month visit last week and has nearly doubled her birth weight!

We reflect often on our time in New
York but even more so, the entire waiting process from the beginning. For us, the
process of adoption started with a lot of heartbreak. Throughout this blog we
have not sugarcoated things because that would not benefit anyone and would rob
this story of any real-life value. Many of the friends we’ve met along the way
are still waiting to adopt, and some have experienced much harder things. There
are no easy explanations, we’ve learned, but God is with us in the journey. In
him we have found a friend who mourns with us, not a bully who taunts us. We’ve
found a caring Father. He’s taught us that life and family are more than just
things we’re supposed to enjoy but that they are supposed to be enjoyed in him
and are a part of his great story, his redemption story. In him we celebrate
the life of Eliana Joy Esperanza Dolson and say with a greater perspective than
before:

“The LORD is my chosen portion and
my cup;

you hold my lot.

The lines have fallen for me in
pleasant places;

indeed, I have a beautiful
inheritance.”

Psalm 16:5-6

Thank you very much for reading,
praying, writing, calling, texting, giving, supporting and encouraging us in
the past two years. We have at least one more blog post coming once the
adoption is finalized. Thanks again!

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Thank you for taking a moment to read about our adoption
journey today. Lauren and I have just come back from a retreat at the beginning
of this month and are feeling very refreshed. A ministry from our church here
in Grand Rapids designed the weekend to be educational, relaxing, and
supportive for foster care and adopting families.

Lauren and I packed our bags and headed to Holland after
work on Friday. What we experienced was incredible. First of all, an anonymous
donor stepped up before the retreat and covered the cost for all the families
attending so that we did not have to pay a dime. When we got there, volunteers
from Crossroads’ ministry Abba’s Answer had made preparations for the entire
weekend. We were greeted in our room with letters, books, a care package and
gifts. The keynote speaker was an in-demand therapist from the area who
specializes in reactive attachment disorder and who regularly counsels families
who care for kids with trauma. On Saturday night, some folks from our church
came out and created a candle-lit dessert experience along with some
entertainment, an improv group from the local college.We had numerous conversations with new and
old friends about adoption and foster care and learned so much. We left on
Sunday afternoon feeling very supported. The retreat reminded us that we are
not alone in our adoption journey. We just want to say thank you to those of
you who made this weekend happen.

There is a story in the Bible that has come up a lot for us
recently and we’ve been wanting to share it with you all. Jesus’ disciple John
tells a story about a man they meet along the way who is blind (John 9). We’re
never given his name but we know this man was born blind and consequently has to
beg in his hometown to survive. He encounters Jesus one day and the question is
asked: “…who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”

The question reveals a paradigm where God punishes evil by
inflicting hardship.His physical
handicap is only the result of something he or his parent’s did. The struggle
he is experiencing is directly related to the choices he made. He got what was
coming to him and we should not pity him because he brought this on himself.
Karma.

Under this view, God only blesses those who behave well.
Those of us who do right and who love God can expect good lives, our health, enough
money, safety, and the absence of horrible hardships. God only smites the
wicked with this stuff.

This is a loaded question they asked.

Jesus’ response must have surprised them: “It was not that
this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed
in him.”

In his answer, Jesus is displacing karma with an accurate
view of God, man, and the state of the world. Had this blind man sinned in his
life? Sure. Had his parents? Yes. But the simplistic view of God as a petty
score keeper, eager to show his disapproval, is not reality. Nor is the idea
that man’s individual actions will determine how blessed or difficult his life
is.

There is something more going on here. And Jesus hints at it
before he acts next. This man was born blind…that the works of God might be
displayed in him. Underlining this story is the reality of the state of the
world—brokenness. To say that things are broken is to say that, even though God
created the world and oversees it, the world does not function as it should.
Work is hard. Disasters happen. Relationships fail. People die. Power is abused.
People are born with handicaps. We are all subject to feel the brokenness of
the world in different ways. Sometimes we bring consequences upon ourselves,
but other times, it just happens to us. What did this man do to be born blind?
Nothing. It is the seemingly random consequence of living in a broken world.
But herein lies the beauty of Jesus’ response. Out of this unfortunate reality
you were born into, God is going to work.

You may know what happens next. Jesus spits on the ground,
makes a little mud and puts it on the blind man’s eyes. He commands the man to
go wash, and he comes back seeing! By giving this man physical and spiritual
sight, Jesus proves what he has just said about himself: “I am the light of the
world.”

Lauren and I have at times exhausted ourselves with
questions. Why do we have infertility?
How did this happen and how can we fix it? Why is adoption so hard? So
expensive? So slow? Why us? Our questions carry a speculation and
uncertainty that rings throughout to the disciples’ question—who sinned? At the
end of the day, there is no good answer for these questions besides brokenness.
Bad things happen. But after 32 months of trying to start a family, we’re only
just beginning to see the extent to which God can redeem our broken situation. People
have said we’re an encouragement to them. Couples in the same situation have
come to us for guidance. Really? Us? But we don’t have the answers. I’m
beginning to think that grieving people really don’t want answers. Just hope.
Hope that there is a way forward. Hope that they are not alone in their
darkness. Hope that God is not mean or apathetic. Hope that their faith is
worth something and can survive this reality they’re facing.

One of the speakers at this retreat last week called us
heroes. A bit of an overstatement, I thought at the time. He went on to explain
himself. He said that we’re heroes because we’re taking what is God’s and
reclaiming it for him. God made everything and God makes babies, he said. So
these babies, like everything, belong to God. And when we take them in and care
for them, we’re showing that we respect and honor and value the one who made
them. Isn’t that what Christians do though? Isn’t that what our lives are
about? We reclaim what is God’s in spite of brokenness. To be clear, we're not heroes. All along, I’ve thought
adoption was a way for Lauren and I to start a family, but that’s not all. Apparently,
there is a bigger picture I’m not seeing. There is something more going on
here and it has to do with God's care for his creation.

Monday, January 12, 2015

So it has really been forever since we have updated. We have
not had a working computer for several months and that was part of the lack of
updates. However, we are back in business again and hopefully we will be much
better at keeping everyone updated with where we are at in the adoption
process.

So much has happened since the summer, and yet, nothing has
happened all at the same time. We have had our name in for a number of babies
since July all of which resulting in us not being chosen in the end. We have
come very close two times since the summer, being in two separate birth mothers’
top choices. To say the adoption journey is a roller coaster ride is such an
understatement. We have had times of great anticipation and hope and times of
complete disappointment and hurt. It is often hard to come back down to normal
life after the emotional high of picturing life with a child and having it be
within our grasp but then feeling like we have to “start over” again.

At this point in our adoption journey we have had about
25-30 adoption situations before us. Few of which we chose not to say yes to,
due to many hard circumstances, The majority of them we have said yes to, yet
have not been chosen. Currently, we do not have our name in for any babies,
which is hard. Surprisingly, our hearts have peace.

With it being a new year, I was forced to reflect on 2014
and really think about what this year has been for us. My immediate thought is
that 2014 was probably the hardest year for us yet. And while that is true in
many ways, I can honestly say that though it was hard, it produced the most
growth in me as well. This year our faith was stretched and tested. We were
broken and shattered at times. I must have asked God “why?” a thousand times. I
also must have questioned whether he heard us, saw us, and cared about us hundreds
of times. I questioned his kindness, his goodness, his might and strength again
and again. And while many times I felt as though God was silent and that he
wasn’t present, I know now that is totally not the case. I am finally realizing
that God cares so much more about growing me closer to himself and molding me
into the image of Christ than giving me what I want. Not only that, but through
this period of waiting, he’s showing me so much more about myself that probably
would not be revealed any other way. He has shown me how my identity was so
tightly wrapped up in becoming a mom and how my thinking was so skewed—“I’ll be
happy when we have a baby…” But I am realizing, what happens next? What about
when we do have a baby. What will be my next “I’ll be happy when…” statement. That
thinking is a never ending cycle of being dissatisfied in my current situation
and thinking the next thing will make me happy which is a lie.

I also have just been learning so much about who God
actually is and how he relates to us. For so long God felt so far away, like a
distant person who is almost cruel in his dealings with us. And in my wrestling
with God over and over, he has revealed that this is not the way things should
be. Infertility was not his original plan. God did not design the world to be a
broken place. He did not wish for his children to endure pain and suffering.
God’s plan for this earth was that of joy, and order, and beauty, and
satisfaction between man and the Creator. But because of the fall, all of creation
suffers. All along, God has wanted me to embrace him in this, to let him
comfort me through this, and not hold him at a distance. This seems like such
basic stuff, but for me it has really shattered my own little world of
disappointment and dealing with grief.

This adoption journey has definitely felt like an uphill
battle sometimes. Some days I feel like all I am doing is falling down over and
over again and the goal is nowhere in sight. However, I know that I don’t have
to run this race alone. I can feel God strengthening me in his word and giving
me grace to continue on in this race. I know this journey is deeply shaping my
character. And for that I am incredibly thankful. When I look at who I was in
2014 to who I am now, I feel like I cannot even recognize that person anymore.
God has made me into a fighter- I feel like I can look back at the hill I have
already climbed and I feel such confidence knowing I have come this far. And
that confidence gives me greater strength and endurance to keep pressing on and
running this race like never before with my eyes fixed ahead. I have so much
anticipation and joy at how far I’ve come. I know that He has not given up on
me. I know that he is there with me leading me and guiding me and stilling my
anxious heart with his still small voice.

A passage of
Scripture that really speaks to my heart is Psalm 30.

I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up and have
not let my foes rejoice over me.

O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed
me.

O Lord, you have brought up my soul from Sheol; you restored
me to life from among those who go down to the pit.

Sing praises to the Lord, O you his saints, and give thanks
to his holy name.

For his anger is but for a moment and his favor is for a
lifetime.

Weeping may tarry for the night but JOY comes with the
morning.

As for me, I said in my prosperity, “I shall never be moved.”

By your favor, O Lord, you made my mountain stand strong;
you hid your face I was dismayed.

To you, O Lord, I cry, and to the Lord I plead for mercy:

“What profit is there in my death, if I go down to the pit?

Will the dust praise you?

Will it tell of your faithfulness?

Hear O Lord, and be merciful to me!

O Lord, be my helper!

You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;

You have loosed my sackcloth

And clothed me with gladness, that my glory may sing your
praise and not be silent.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

It has been a very long time since we have updated our blog. As much as I would like to say that it is because life has gotten in the way (while that is partly true), the fact of the matter is that it has been hard. For us moving forward from the paperwork stage into the waiting stage has been a crazy whirlwind, and a roller coaster already. Adam and I officially began waiting May 2. Within that first week we received a “circular” email from our adoption agency, telling us information about a potential adoption situation. How these situations work for us is that our agency sends out emails to “waiting” adoptive parents that have information about birthparents wishing to set up an adoption plan for their child. We then read through a fairly lengthy description of both birthparents and we choose to either submit our profile to each family or not. With each circular comes the question of "how many other waiting adoptive families received this same email?" And so with each circular comes a great amount of uncertainty.

Receiving our first adoption circular sent a crazy surge of emotions through me. It was crazy to read about real birthparents and think that this could be it. This could be our baby. All these months of planning and dreaming this could be it! But, as quickly as those thoughts entered my mind an even more intense feeling of anxiety, doubt, fear, and just denial came over me. Almost like a “snap out of it” sort of feeling. How could we be chosen so quickly? What was so special about us? How many other families are waiting too and received this same email? Why would we stand out to anyone, really? Adam and I quickly responded with a resounding “YES!” email to our caseworker and left it at that. Weeks passed by slowly. And eventually all those “dreamy” thoughts began to fade. And then more circular emails began to come in...no pour in! In a matter for just a few weeks we had a “YES” response in for 5 babies.

I could hardly believe it. 5 babies! The odds seemed pretty good. We began to think, "maybe this is going to happen much sooner than we anticipated. Maybe all the people that told us the wait is long, and hard, or maybe those crazy stories you read about adoptive parents waiting like a week or a month, maybe that will be our story."

And then something crazier happened. Our case worker called us and told us that a birthmom had taken our profile book and home study report home and that we were in her top 4 for potential adoptive parents for her already born son! That news came as a shock to us. Questions began to fill our heads, "What if we are parents in a few short days? We don’t even have half of the supplies we need. What if she chooses us?" We had a quick moment of laughing and excitement-very suddenly interrupted by the ever looming feeling of doubt, fear, and anxiety (at least in my mind).A few days later (which felt like an eternity!) We were sent an oh so empathetic (sarcasm here) “sorry she chose someone else"email.

My immediate reaction was almost a “duh” response. Of course she chose someone else. This is our story, this is what happens with us always! The moment we dare to hope, the second we dare to think “what if”---reality seems to smack us dead in the face and bring us back down from dreamland. Every negative pregnancy test, every failed attempt at conceiving, and every "no" response seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks in that moment. Days passed and slowly the “sorry, but she chose someone else” emails have been coming in and some adoption cases are still pending. As of right now, Adam and I have yet to receive another adoption circular in over a month.

What this "waiting" stage has revealed to me is that I am absolutely terrified of dreaming. Every dreamy thought that seems to cross my mind about our future child comes crashing down by fear and doubt and just the disappointment I have felt for almost 2 years.

The part that makes it so hard is that we are in this exciting phase of life waiting on our baby, it could realistically be any day, and I can't bear the thought. Other people have given us a number of baby items at this point and most days I keep them locked away with the door shut tight because it really is just too hard for me to look at them every day. Other people are also beginning to get excited for us and ask us things like " oh have you started to decorate the nursery yet?" Or questions like, "so, are you getting excited?" And honestly I usually give positive answers in reply- but in reality I'm scared to hope.

Adam and I have been reading a book together called "Adoption After Infertility" which talks about this very hesitancy in adoptive parents. Not wanting to be too hopeful because of the continual painful letdowns. But the author also talks about the importance for adoptive parents to experience a phase of "physiological pregnancy". A phase in which adoptive parents mentally and physically in a lot of ways prepare themselves for their babies- a nesting period. Pregnant women go through this phase naturally in pregnancy but for us, this phase feels awkward. Every now and then I have a sudden surge of emotions to be prepared, but then the fact that there is no baby in sight changes everything. Some days I feel so misplaced. So just out of the loop. So many women have gotten pregnant, had their babies, and some have even gotten pregnant again since we have been going through this whole process. Now that we are finally at the "pregnancy" stage and it feels like its finally our turn- not seeing a light at the end of tunnel- or not seeing a growing belly changes everything. The reality that there is a baby out there for us does not seem real.

So that leaves us at this point. This waiting stage has taken me yet another level deeper in my faith. It has brought me to a point of losing even more control. At this point, Adam and I can do absolutely nothing to "prove" ourselves worthy to be parents. All we can do is sit back, wait, and pray. Pray to the One who is the only hope we have. To the only One who will ever be enough. To the only One who IS OUR HOPE.

I know that one day soon, I am going to look back at this infertility/ waiting journey and be so thankful. There have been so many glimpses of God's grace already, I cannot even imagine looking back on this when all the pieces of the puzzle are together and bask in Gods goodness to us. He has brought us this far, I KNOW he will not leave us here. And so we press on, and we pray like crazy when fear begins to creep in and steal our joy.

Tonight, I opened up the door to our soon to be nursery, and I opened up a bag filled with tiny onesies. And I dreamed without fear.