Thursday, December 31, 2009

I don't know about everybody else, but as we exit 2009 and the aught decade, I say, "good riddance. Don't let the googly eyed new years glasses kick you in the barack."

Speaking of those glasses , Jeff over at The Bright Blue Cow realized that the 2010 new years eve glasses would no longer allow the two center zeros to be fashioned into the glasses rims. He made this observation almost a full year ago!!

And yet, Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

After further painstaking research by the Chattering Teeth internet microbots, they've discovered that the Blue Cow's work in this field was not pioneering, which in no way disqualifies him for the Peace Prize. However, the Althouse posted a sketch on January 2nd, 2009, as a sort of prophesy of this year's version of the glasses. At first blush, putting the "1" on the nose is a great solution. After further review... I don't mean to alarm anyone, but I've juxtaposed this sketch with Navin R.Johnson wearing his invention of the Opti-Grab. If these glasses catch on, there will be a pandemic of crossed eyes in 2010.

Miscellany

Body scanners at airports, eh? I wipe my hands of responsibility if the next time I fly, my security body scan of my chiseled and bountiful masculinity falls into female security hands, thereby wreaking the perceptions of their husbands by comparison and ending marriages. I'm like the sun, ladies. Don't stare directly at me or my body xray for more than is necessary.

Drudge has been screaming this headline for the last 24 hours:Russia may send spacecraft to asteroidBACKGROUND INFO: The asteroid is Apophis, and in 2029 it will come within 18,300 miles of Earth. The closeness of it's return trip in 2036 will depend upon exactly how it's orbit is changed from the 2029 encounter, but experts currently put the impact probability for 2036 at 1-in-250,000.

Apparently, Russia's space chief doesn't like them odds. He remembers some scientist somewhere (algore?) telling him that this space rock is heading for Russia.

His exact quote: "I don't remember exactly, but it seems to me it could hit the Earth by 2032."

Obviously spoken between sips of vodka, because in 2032 it is on the opposite side of the solar system. I don't know about you all, but I question Russia's motives for wanting to send a rocket to the asteroid to "give it a nudge". Oops! Wrong way! Leave it the alone. Besides, what does Russia have to fear. You could just have Putin stiff-arm this girlie rock and fling it away like so much baby poop.

In conclusion, I wish you all a very Happy New Year. May 2010 be full of joy, health (get well soon Rush!), and a conservative tsunami that swamps the democrats to retake the House. Let's make a resolution to fling Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and the rest of the libs out of office like baby poop.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

First Richard Reid, now Umar "Farouk You" Abdulmutallab... wake me if Osama Bin Laden's wife-beater t-shirt spontaneously combusts, as I've boxed these three with a bet on this trifecta.

I'm already bored with the "Farouk You" Umar pantie Bomber story. I know I shouldn't be. This president's weak posture invites more of this kind of thing. It seems our national security is in shambles right along side our economy, and there is still 3 years to go in Obama's monarchy. Maybe it's not really boredom I feel, but an overload of sheer terror that has burned itself out and manifested itself thus...

Nope. It's boredom. And if you're still reading this... you feel me.

Still, Obama manages to slightly amuse me... Take his remarks yesterday regarding this "Nigerian suspect" who "allegedly" will be "charged" and IF found guilty, could spend up to 20 years in prison and not get out until he is 40ish!...blah blah blah.

Farouk You Obama. He is a Nigerian Muslim (SAY IT!) terrorist (SAY IT!) who should be quietly turned over to the military and never inquired after again. But alas!

OBAMA: "Had... critical information been shared, it could have been compiled with other intelligence, and a fuller, clearer picture of the suspect would have emerged. The warning signs would have triggered red flags, and the suspect would have never been allowed to board that plane for America."

DABLADE: "Had critical information been shared by the main stream media about Obama during the campaign, a fuller, clearer picture of this suspect would have emerged. The warning signs would have triggered red flags, and this community organizing suspect would have never been allowed to flub the OAF OF OFFICE".

Speaking of candy, I like Milky Way bars. Which leads me this story (how about that segue?)

Smallest Object in Outer Solar System Spotted ~ No, it has nothing to do with airport security scans and Barney Frank's testicles. However, if the Hubble telescope can spot a rock that is less than a mile wide and 4.2 billion miles away, maybe it should be pointed at O'Hare during rush hour.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

With Detroit Lion's rookie quarterback Matthew Stafford out with a shoulder injury, and the play of backups Drew Stanton and Daunte Culpepper have - shall we say - been "ineffective"... Coach Schwartz is looking for someone, ANYONE, who can give him solid play at the QB position when the Bears come for a visit this Sunday. Of course, it's tough to play from your back all day because the Offensive Lineman must suffer from severe ADD. They seem to step aside for the rush like a matador sidesteps a charging bull.

But then I had a brilliant thought. Why not name "wannabe terrorist" Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab as this week's starter for the Detroit Lions? It would solve Coach Schwartz' dilema (at least for this week). The Lion's attendance would skyrocket for once, and the TV blackout lifted as Ford Field would be filled to capacity with the local Muslim community. The Lions could learn from Umar how to set their own jock straps on fire before each play to increase the odds of gaining a few yards... and lastly, what better punishment for Umar than to make him wear the Lions uniform?

Nah! I'm all for extreme punishment, but this seems cruel and unusual to me.

Monday, December 28, 2009

I know, I know... that joke wasn't funny the first time around. So sue me.

Speaking of Abdul Farouk Umar Abdulmutallab, what we all really want to know is...1) ANY AND ALL information related to your "attempted" terrorist attack, including, but not limited to the names and locations of your al-queda co-conspirators...2) ANY AND ALL information related to your knowledge of any pending attacks...3) The identity of that sharp dressed man who helped you get on the plane...4) But what Obama voters really want to know is... Boxers or Briefs?

With Obama at the helm, I have my doubts that we will get the useful information necessary, unless Umar is intimidated by Obama's repeated bowing.

Obama, Umar Abdulmutallab, Umar Abdulmutallab Obama.

Nope. Still not funny.

Seriously, who is this mysterious "suited man" Bill Ayers? who interceded by garnering sympathy for Obama's Mutallab's lack of documents by portraying him as a Kenyan Sudanese refugee? I mean, how gullible IS the American voting public airport security in Amsterdam?

Meanwhile, The First Boogie Board is vacationing in Hawaii. I can't wait to hear what our alleged president will have to say about this alleged terrorist and his "Contingency Operations" against his own underwear.

If Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napalm-itano hadn't already ASSURA'd me, I would be suspicious that maybe, just maybe the system wasn't working that allowed a guy with a presidentially sounding name (who was on the terror list) to board a plane with sparklers taped to his gonads on a MUSLIM FREAKIN' MARTYRDOM HOLIDAY.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

al-Qaeda is refining it's tactics. First came Richard Reid, who successfully burned a hole in his own shoe. Now comesAbdul Farouk Abdulmutallab, who managed to set his own underwear on fire, charring the family jewels in the process. If left to their own devices, theses top muslim scientists may one day figure out how to set their own turbans on fire.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I probably won't have time to fiddle with this blog thingy until this weekend, so let me take this opportunity to wish you all a blessed and very Merry Christmas. The following video is of one of the songs my father used to play on vinyl oh so many years ago in my youth. My good blog friend Z had never heard it before when I posted it in answer to one of her posts, but she liked the lyrics. I hope those of you stumbling here do also...

First, it is important to choose the Pig. A successful pig roast will use the correct size of Pig. It is important to get the right size, as a Pig that is too large will be difficult to prepare.

Nor do you want your Christmas pig too skinny, as you would be left with absolutely zero substance.

The preparation of the Pig is also important. Some people choose to use high priced hardware, while other people have managed to make good use out of the items they can readily procure without breaking the bank.

Also, during the preparation period, it is important to prepare the Pig in a way that makes it look traditional. Many people like to stick an apple in the Pig’s mouth.

Selecting the right side dishes is also important. There are certain things that go great in a pig roast and people who have never taken part in such an event may not know which items to select. Side items help make the meal even better and allow guests to enjoy themselves more.

The right sauces and spices are also necessary in order to make the event the best it can be. There are many wonderful flavorings that can make the Pig taste much better. With the right selection, the party is sure to be a success.

How about some "Louisiana Purchase Sauce" to spice up that pig, eh Miss Landrieu? Or maybe you'd prefer a "Medicaid Spice Rub" on your swine, whaddya say senator Nelson?

Just as taste is important so are drinks. It is best to have a unique selection of both alcoholic and non alcoholic beverages. It is fun if the drinks are not common beverages that can be found anywhere.

President Obama may prefer a cold beer with his racist buds and "stupid" cops, but don't forget the Teetotalers. They are not to be confused with the Tea Partyers, but you don't need to worry about them. They will bring their own.

On the subject of alcohol, guess who has remained sober for the last 4 months?

The importance of atmosphere cannot be ignored, either. Atmosphere is incredibly important at an event such as this, as it helps to set the tone for the party. The perfect atmosphere can consist of games and music. It is important for party throwers to find activities that compliment the event.

Oh, and the best news is that joining the Pig Roast is no longer a privilege but a right! No need to make reservations, just crash the party like a Salahi! Be forewarned however, the line will be enormously long, so jump in now to get your slice!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Earlier reports of Obama making a surprise visit to a bunch of DC kids and reading them “The Polar Express” were only partially true. It seems that Obama did make the surprise visit, but the book he read was titled "The Solar Plexus". The mistake is forgiveable since the story lines are similar.

"The Polar Express" is a story about a pajama-clad boy who rides a magic train and comes to believe in Santa Claus.

"The Solar Plexus" is a story about a pajama-clad boy who rides HopenChange and comes to believe he IS Santa Claus.

One makes you feel warm and fuzzy while the other makes you feel like you got socked in the stomach!

...That our government is hell-bent (pun intended) on passing this “health care” reform by their self-imposed Christmas deadline screams loudly of their determination to turn a deaf ear to the people, cover their eyes to the lunacy of their own legislative actions, and steamroll ahead without caring in the least who they run over. They are public non-servants without integrity or honor. And they bow and pay considerable homage to our non-Leader. They want to hand him this bill as a Christmas gift… how heartrendingly ironic.

The Magi traveled far to bring their most precious gifts to the Newborn King, to bow before Him in worship and give glory to God. This week, our nation just might bow to our phony king and give him not our precious gifts of love, but the blood of our children and the broken spirits of their mothers.

Mumbles and I got hungry and went looking for an *unintellible* burger.

During lunch, Mumbles shared a slice of his personal philosophy with me. If I understood him correctly, he said this:

"To compel a man to furnish contributions of money for the propagation of opinions which he disbelieves and abhors, is sinful and tyrannical."

I told him that quote sounded familiar and asked if he had heard that from my friend RightKlik. He said no, and near as I could figure, he heard this from some fella named Jeffas Thomerson.

Apparently, there is a line that can be crossed by a competing political party in power, and that's where the trigger option comes in, at least according to Mumbles. A tyrannical and arrogant government that jumps over this line will be met with massive crowds in the streets and civil unrest. Clashes with security police could escalate, and Mumbles says this could be the beginnings of an all out revolution.

Mumbles and I like to discuss the inner machinations of the Iranian state over lunch.

Why? What did you think we were talking about? Potcha delka inda bartle doo?

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Now I know the source of that sulfur Chavez has been smelling.“Change is never easy...but change is what is needed in America today. I will vote for health care reform because it will deliver relief from rising health care costs to Nebraska families, workers, rural communities and employers,” Senator Nelson said.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The Harry Reid Holiday PrayerDear Gaia, Earth mother and green goddess, She who brings forth the bounteous fruits and flowers and other assorted herbs and hemps which can be harvested, dried, rolled or inserted into my hash pipe and bogarted. Hear the prayers of Your children. Help me find the right words to use in the Obamacare bill that will trick Nelson and them other pro-lifers into falsely believing we won't use tax-payer funds to slaughter unborn children and spread their chattel on the ground to nourish your roots. Please bless your supplicants here and in Copenhagen, and Gaia Damn America! Amen.

"These are children we are talking about. Therefore, as human persons they are endowed with a fundamental human right to life. They should also be able to exercise the first freedom, the freedom to be born and take their place at our side. Rather, the argument has become profanely “sophisticated”. In an age where sophistry has replaced true discourse, its proponents smile while they defend barbarism."

I stumbled upon the following article linked from HotAir. The author, Dan Calabrese, turns the abortionist's scalpel back onto them with this hillarious piece:

Every bill should be a wanted bill. It would be a shame to bring an unwanted bill into the world when you have the option of aborting it.

Call it Planned Legislation.

Monstrosities often collapse under their own absurd weight, and if that’s what’s now happening to ObamaCare – and it certainly appears that it is – it’s all the more delicious that the final nail is Democrats’ absurd attempt to pretend their plan wouldn’t pay for abortions.

Fact: If abortion is legal in this country, and insurance pays for it, and tax money is used to either subsidize or regulate the workings of the health insurance industry, then tax money pays for abortions.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Porn can be destructive, and not just on the beta and vcr machines over the years. Therefore, I do not condone the repeated viewing of the embedded video showing Copenhagen climate hippies receiving the business ends of the Politi's batons.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

2nd-grader sent home for crucifix drawingTAUNTON, Mass. – An 8-year-old boy was sent home from school and ordered to undergo a psychological evaluation after he was asked to make a Christmas drawing and sketched what appeared to be a stick figure of Jesus on a cross, the child's father said Tuesday.

I agree an injustice has been done here, however it is the so-called art teacher who needs immediate disciplinary action. Has this (tongue twister alert) Taunton teacher not taught the basic principles of scale and depth? Not that the kid doesn't need severe discipline also. The Crucifixion is an Easter story young man! *Ruler Whack on hand*

Tonight the superintendent of Taunton Public Schools, Julie Hackett issued a statement in response to the father's allegations:

"It has been reported in the media that a student was suspended over drawing a rendering of Jesus Christ on the cross. This report is totally inaccurate..." We mistakenly thought the kid had drawn Obama on the cross. When we think "Deity", we think Obama.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

“These figures are fresh. Some of the models suggest... that there is a 75 per cent chance that the entire north polar ice cap, during the summer months, could be completely ice-free within five to seven years.” -- Al Gore

"Five out of four people have trouble with fractions." -- Steven Wright

"Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical." -- Yogi Berra

The good news is, it doesn't take very much polar ice cap to make The World's Smallest Snowman.

Nano-Frosty the 0.001 mm Snowman With an atomic force microscope and a button deposited platinum noseand two eyes made out of focused ion beam coals

Monday, December 14, 2009

Polar Bear in the Square in London and Copenhagen:This life-sized ice sculpture of a polar bear is sitting in London's Trafalgar Square for the next week. Melting. By the end of its stay, probably all that will be left will be a bronze skeleton and a pool of water.

Not even a corncob pipe and a button nose to prove he once existed. *sigh* BTW, What the heck is sticking out of the bear's mouth? Did it eat Al Gore?

MARKETING IDEA FLASH: That's how these Healthy Globe Deniers could make some money for their fake cause... sell ice sculptures with a prize inside. At the core of one you might get a flanneled Al Gore doll, in another, a cardboard cutout of Obama. Reminds me of the Fuzzy Wuzzy Bath Soap.

Friday, December 11, 2009

SHOCK POLL: A cardboard cutout of Barack Obama now leads it's flesh and blood counterpart in the latest Chattering Teeth poll by a wide margin! The cardboard cutout first appeared on stage in Oslo, Norway at a "Save the Children" benefit. An event, I might add, that the actual U.S. President snubbed.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I woke up this morning anxious to see what I might have blogged yesterday, only to discover that I never posted. I know I had an unending string of brilliant thoughts fueled by the after-effects of anesthesia for a minor out-patient thingy... I just can't remember what they were. According to my wife, I was like the "is this real life" YouTube kid on his ride home from the dentist.

I'm pretty sure the Michael Jackson Jesus juice - milk of sleepnezia put me on a much higher plain of thought, but alas! these pieces of temporal magnificents have dissipated into the etheral atmospheric vapors alongside Al Gore's poetry.

21 lines of verse that are equal parts beautiful, evocative, and disturbing... It’s odd that none of the reviews of Our Choice have mentioned this poem... The result is a surprisingly accomplished, nuanced piece of writing. The images Gore conjures in his (untitled) poem turn a neat trick: they are visually specific and emotionally arresting even as they are scientifically accurate.

I think Hertsgaard just had a Gore crush leg shiver.

One thin September soonA floating continent disappearsIn midnight sun

OK, I suspect I know who else has been dipping into the demerol. The point is, the beauty of Gore's prose tends to take on a different meaning for all. Like multi-facets of the same diamond. For me, that last verse is a continuation of the chili theme, with "September" symbolizing "bathroom", and my toilet as the "midnight sun". You can figure out the rest.

In conclusion, I just found notes of my drug-induced thoughts from yesterday. Huh! I coulda swore I was on to something... but it now eludes me. Here's a sample. It goes on for several pages.

All work and no play makes DaBlade a dull boy. All work and no play makes DaBlade a dull boy.All work and no play makes DaBlade a dull boy.All work and no play makes DaBlade a dull boy.All work and no play makes DaBlade a dull boy.All work and no play makes DaBlade a dull boy...

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Daily Mirror had the number of Tiger Woods mistresses at six yesterday. I hear it's up to something like 11 right now. I have always thought it to be bad form to count someone else's strokes on the course. However, when Tiger's "score" gets up to here, let me know. An intervention (and a Nike boycott) will be in order.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Here I am off to Copenhagen, the exciting climate summit that will attempt to blackmail the U.S. into unnecessarily diverting hundreds of billions of dollars to curb harmless carbon gasses. Speaking of gas emissions, PHEW! I'm really sorry people. Airline peanuts always do that to me... Nurse! Can ya get the window? Hey bud, you gonna eat those?

Why am I going to Copenhagen you ask? It just so happens that I was hoping to get hired as a cyclist for the pedal-powered Christmas tree in Copenhagen's City Hall Square. Alas! Now I hear the United Nations has instituted a Climate Summit Christmas Tree ban. It must have just dawned on them that the Christmas tree is a religious symbol that conflicts with their scam religion of global warming. Whenever Obama travels to venues sporting those pesky Christian symbols like crosses, he just has his people cover them up with large drop cloths.

All of the trees have been ordered "de-needled" and immediately rolled into cigarette papers, only to be sold to the masses of arriving hippies for the summit.

Like I've always said, a tree that is soaking up the rain and the sunshine and growing in the field is never truly happy until it is freed from it's condition (with our help and the help of a jagged-toothed saw), tied on the roof of a car (leaking it's sappy life's blood from it's stump) it's lifeless corpse erected in a warm house and decorated with colorful lights and ornaments.

Speaking of hippies and dead trees, the following video can never be blogged too much.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

I may have been born last night, after having fallen off a turnip truck, but I'm smelling something like ozone in Denmark. First, I'm not a big believer in coincidences. Secondly, I have trouble believing in the "occurrence of events that happen at the same time by accident but seem to have some connection." (thanks merriam)

So when I see that Obama met Santa Claus as a preclude to this week's "holiday tree" lighting ceremony on Thursday, and the very next day Santa turns to a life of crime, I have questions!

It is well documented that Obama has an aversion to patriotic lapel pins and was always uncomfortable when our National Anthem is played ("What do I do with my hands?...")

On the other side of the coin (a coin that no longer engraved with "In God we Trust"), Mister Obama has taken every occasion to show his subservience to every Islamic monarch, Japanese emperor, Communist dictator, and third world thug by either enthusiastically bowing to them in surrender, or joining their book club.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I have always lived by this motto: Brevity, that being an economical use of both words and pictures to succinctly illustrate a concept or idea, is the soul, or "essence" if you prefer, of wit, which is to say "humor" of a common sense nature. It reminds me of this Calvin Coolidge quote on the header over at Mr. Dart's place:

"You can't know too much, but you can say too much."

That said, and with as little rhetorical flourish of verboseness as possible, there is nothing in this American Thinker piece titled "Jobs Summit will not produce jobs" that I can paraphrase, blockquote, or in any other fashion give a fair representative sampling that does it justice. You. Must. Read.

After having solved the Afghanistan situation, Obama will now turn his full attention to his most critical objective - That being his tireless efforts on his reelection campaign. Recognizing that Americans are concerned with the economy and the escalating unemployment rate, Obama hopes to raise his poll numbers by giving the impression that he cares with today's jobs summit.

Will Obama try to appease his opponents by announcing a Capitalism Surge and invoke the free market principles of lower taxes and smaller government, only to pull out of capitalism all together in 18 months as a 4th quarter h/t to his base?

With these brainiacs working on the problem, what could possibly go wrong?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Obama is angry over his house party security breach. Worst case scenario, the First Teleprompter could have been compromised. The president needs the teleprompter in top condition for his planned speech tonight where, after months of dithering, he will finally lay out his Afghanistan strategy.

Chattering Teeth has learned that Obama will not give General McChrystal all of the 40,000 troops he's requested, but has compromised with a more limited Serge. That's right. All 42 gay art gallery maitre d's named "Serge" will be sent into the Taliban fray.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Security in Tiger Woods' private community has ramped up to the point where even the people who live there are being told where they can and cannot go.

There are even rumors that Michaele and Tareq Salahi were discovered trying to enter Wood's home through the servant's entrance but were turned away!

Meanwhile, more bizarre photos are surfacing from Obama's State Dinner and house party. An unidentified couple are pictured in the foreground here, and are said to be people of interest to the ever-vigilant secret service.

* Golfers who claim they don't cheat, also lie.* Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.* Still within the "14-club limit".

* If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.* No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse. * You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time. * The trouble with golf is that you are only as good as your last putt.* Tree. A good drive spoiled.

* The golf course is the only place I can take my wife where she can't talk constantly.* TIGER: "Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot."* COP: "How many times did you hit him with the 9-iron?" ELIN: "I don't know. Five, six, seven... Put me down for a five."

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Tiger Woods canceled another meeting with state troopers on Sunday, setting off this low-speed police chase. Tiger's golf cart is reportedly hitting speeds of 30 MPH, lending evidence to recent internet rumors speculating that Tiger has adjusted the governor. So far Chopper 4 has been unable to identify the passenger in Tiger's golf cart.

There are still more questions than answers with this whole business. Like, was Tiger "driving" this Cadillac Escalade while still married to Buick? Were the loving couple just playing an innocent game of night glo golf, with Elin simply striking where it lies? Did the police find a discarded bloody golf glove at the scene, and why did some guy named "Kato" insist he was the Wood's caddy?

Tiger's Twitter?TIGER: "This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. I will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again".

For the record people, if DaBlade is found at 2AM bleeding from facial lacerations, and his loving wife is standing over him with his 9-iron "helping" him... you may safely assume that alcohol is involved.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

I recall fondly the Thanksgivings of my youth. The day would start early, as I had to do the paper route. I would distribute the five pound editions four at a time before having to go home to re-load the sack. Once the papers were done, it was back home to the smell of roasting turkey! My father was a homicide detective, and the high Flint crime rate kept him gamefully employed and food on the table.

There was nothing on the three TV channels except parades, so I would lay on the green shag carpet in front of the 19in screen and watch those. At some point the house smoke alarm would go off, acting as a sort of dinner bell by announcing that mom's rolls were done (and then some) and it was time to eat.

My brothers and I would rush the table and throw our asses and elbows out like we were posting up Shaq for a rebound. My dad would tell us, "take what you want, but eat what you take." Now I have 3 boys of my own. It brings me great joy to see them carry on that tradition.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

It is Thanksgiving Eve and satirical turkey posts are all over the internet. The Sarah Palin turkey grinder pictures always make me chuckle. So when I ran across this seemingly satirical story regarding a farm animal rescue and welfare organization called Farm Sanctuary petitioning Obama to send them Courage the turkey after this afternoon's pardon, I cracked up. I assumed this had to be a satirical piece and that even liberals weren't this whacked.

I mean, it seems to make a case to cover domestic turkeys into the Obamacare plan, and for end-of-life turkey death panels, all while blaming George W Bush for turkey torture. I've read this three times and now I'm not so sure if this is really satire. Can somebody help me out on this?:

Beginning with George H.W. Bush in 1989, Presidents have been sparing the lives of two White House turkeys at Thanksgiving time and sending them to various farms across Virginia. George Bush the Younger, however, bucked tradition in 2005 and sent the birds to either Disneyland or Disneyworld. There, they were crassly paraded about as holiday attractions, fed a conventional diet of cheap feed, and medically ignored. Half the birds died within a year. Writes Farm Sanctuary: "Disney's track record shows that it simply is not able to provide the level of care necessary to keep these birds healthy, happy and comfortable for years. "

The reason is interesting, if disturbing, and it lends a bit of insight into the bizarre nature of turkey farming. Modern turkeys are not bred for longevity. To the contrary, they're genetically manipulated to fatten as quickly as possible and die. Breeding for commercially desirable traits--mainly large breasts--has created turkeys that are so top-heavy they can hardly walk. Sex is equally out of the question, as distortions make it physically impossible for the birds to mate (all commercial turkeys are artificially inseminated). And what's been done to them externally has an internal counterpart. Heart attacks, for example, are common in young turkeys, something that never happens in the wild. Bottom line: past a certain age, it takes a lot of work to keep these biological oddities alive and well.

Other teh funneh posts (which DaBlade officially declared satire) and made him loose coffee from his nostrils...

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

For you legions of folks who rely on this blog for your exclusive news, information, gossip, and the occasional weather report, my inactivity over the last few days must have left you scrambling around in a state of ignorance and confusion on current events (and whether or not you'll need a coat). I assure all of you (both of you) that I do take my internets responsibility seriously, and I promise I will endeavor to engage dozens of brain cells today in full-blown blogohaulic activity.

So let's catch up. This shouldn't take long. Since my last post, Obama's poll numbers (and that of his healthcare plan) have plummeted below 50%; Obama's indecision on Afghanistan continues unabated; the whole global warming scam has officially been debunked; and this just in - Adam Lambert is still gay.

Coincidentally, guess who is the guest of honor at Obama's little State Dinner and toga party at the WH tonight? That's right, none other than Indian Prime Minister Manmohan "Vijay" Singh, who split the fairway with this surface-to-surface Agni II missile in a longest drive contest with Obama. Obama will most likely respond with what he does best by bowing deeply to Singh repeatedly. A weak president like ours just invites missile messages. You would have thought Obama learned this lesson after inviting Ahkmadeenadude to his south lawn weenie roast over the summer.

In conclusion, look for partly cloudy skies witha mid-Michigan high in the lower 50's.

Friday, November 20, 2009

I'm typing away on the office computer when that tune from the Geico commercials starts blaring in my head. It "I always feel like... Somebody's Watching Me..." I swiveled around in my ergonomically correct desk chair, all levers and dials set at stun. I fully expected to see that stack of money with the googly eyes, but to my horror, I found myself staring into this eyeball! He's Baaaack!

I snapped this picture with my camera phone, not really sure if this macabre apparation would even appear. Either the vampire test only works with real film, or at least this fella is not of the undead. He could still be wired. I plan on setting a snare and we shall see.

If I'm lucky, this guy may learn the painful truth about Thanksgiving dinner during the Obama years. We'll see how anxious he is to eyeball me over the plate of dressing!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

New U.S. housing starts in October unexpectedly fell to their lowest level in six months, weighed down by a sharp decline in construction activity for both single-family and multi-family dwellings, a government report showed on Wednesday.

Meanwhile, the Israeli housing market is booming, with the "construction of 900 additional housing units in a Jewish neighborhood in East Jerusalem, which Palestinians claim for the capital of their future state."

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu: The status of Jerusalem is not open for negotiation.

Robert Gibbs: We are dismayed. How can Benny boy expect to keep the peace when he is not bowing to the Palestinians in supplication, weakness, apology, and surrender?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Seriously. I thought my lineage was complicated (right uncle-cousin?). But then came our POTUS with the MOSTUS, Barack Hassan OBowma. He steps off the plane in China and is hugging and bowing like an idiot to another half-brother, this one Mark Okoth Obama Ndesandjo (MOON).

Talk about a shack-living half-brother in every port! If I got this straight, Ndesandjo's mother, Ruth Nidesand, was Barack Obama Sr.'s third wife, thrice removed. Dreams of My Father, indeed! Doesn't sound like either mom or dad were getting much sleep in the day.

Obama then had Michelle strap on his helmet for his tour of the Great Wall of China.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

After hopping around Japan over the weekend and blowing smoke rings like some skinny version of Godzilla's baby boy, Godzuki, Obama is spending the day sightseeing in Beijing. Maybe Hu is showing BO the magic of how colorful building facades can hide the blight and ruin.

It is true, though, what they say about Chinese. Just when you fully digest that Obama is in China, you're immediately hungry for him to stay gone.

The Hu and BO show told reporters yesterday that "the United States and China were in agreement on a range of issues, but they spoke only in general terms... Obama said the United States was not seeking to impose its political system on other countries, but he called freedom of expression and worship among the 'universal rights' common to all people".

That makes me think of Obama as a pimply-faced teenager lecturing his parents about rules, while all the while his hand is out for his weekly allowance and keys to dads car.

Which brings us to the newest magazine to hit the newsstands of Shanghai:

It is critically important to begin teaching your Obama about money early in their administration. You should give them a few dollars every week which they can spend in whatever way they want. This allowance should not be 'free' but should be dependent on their completing some household chores. You should however work with them and let them decide what chores they want to do (Cap and Trade, universal healthcare, purchasing banks and car companies, etc) instead of giving them particular jobs. In addition, it is important not to set limits on what they can spend their money on and also that, having given them allowance, you do not then simply go on buying them the things they want. They need to, and quickly will, find out that if they spend all of their allowance as soon as they get it they will not be able to buy some of the more expensive things they want.

Chinese premier Wen Jiabao urges his pet Obama to keep the U.S. deficit to an appropriate size so that there will be basic stability in the exchange rate, and that is conducive to stability and the recovery of the global economy.

Back to the PARENTING YOUR OBAMA piece:

Do not forget also that you can always backtrack. If you discover that your kids are not learning how to to use money sensibly, then do not be afraid to step in and take back control of that money until you are satisfied that they can handle it.

At some point, your teenager will decide to get a job and this is an excellent time at which to introduce them to the benefits of saving.

Obama get a job and save? OK, NOW we have entered into the world of satire.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Wooden Obama thumb puppet toy with red wood base - VINTAGE Old-time toy! Push up on the bottom of his base, he will wiggle, jiggle, and dance! Hold the button in and he will immediately collapse in a full blown treasonous bow; release and he "snaps" back upright! (Japanese Emporers and Saudi kings are not included) Fun toy for all liberals. 4 inches tall. VERY Small parts. Not recommended for adults with intellects over three years of age. Made in China.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Most folks have a phobia or two (or twelve). Some are afraid of spiders, while others are terrified of snakes. Some people are afraid of the dark, while others are afraid of socialist community organizers winning the presidency. I share all those phobias, but at the very top of my list, the thing that wakes me in the middle of the night in sweat-soaked sheets, has actually happened to actor Nicolas Cage.

The Ghost Rider star who's money troubles has been the butt of jokes lately confesses he feared for his life when he discovered a silent and "maybe deadly fan" -- a dreaded white-faced Marcel Marceau-esque mime when lensing on the streets of New York.

"I was being stalked by a mime - silent but maybe deadly," Cage revealed.

"Somehow, this mime would appear on the set of Bringing Out the Dead and start doing strange things. I have no idea how it got past security.

"Finally, the producers took some action and I haven't seen the mime since.

"But it was definitely unsettling."

I consider myself a Christian man, but I have a crisis of faith when I read something like that. How can a Loving God allow such attrocities to occur? I only pray the Keystone Cops catch this Mime with an invisible lasso and lock him up in one of those imaginary boxes they have such a tough time with, and throw away the invisible key.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The choices included Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, or a this relative unknown pictured here. I think you can guess who won that mock poll. Unfortunately, we know the rest. Obama wins the election after having passed over Hillary AND this squirrel for his running mate, instead choosing someone of inferior intellect to both.

So now we have this socialist community organizer with his national security team discussing Afghanistan in the Situation Room of the White House yesterday. Now brings today's rhetardical mock poll question:

General McChrystal has requested an additional 40,000 more troops for a proven counterinsurgency strategy in Afghanistan. Which table of advisors below would you be most comfortable having in charge of this decision? (sorry, the squirrel is not an option here).

(A)

(B)

Obama has reportedly rejected all of the Afghanistan war options before him, and he is apparently unhappy with Afghan President Hamid Karzai's healthcare plan or something. Obama certainly can't be critical of Karzai's "corruption, lack of transparency, poor governance (and) absence of the rule of law," right? I mean, that would be a little ironic, don'tcha think?

OBAMA: I am not comfortable with this concept of "victory" in Afghanistan, and will settle for nothing less than total surrender and humiliation for the United States. That is why I am turning this issue over to my top advisor BO, who has brought in an expert on Afghanistan.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

An American Soldier an AmericanBeside my brothers and my sisters, I will proudly take a standWhen liberty’s in jeopardy, I will always do what’s rightI’m out here on the front lines, sleep in peace tonightAmerican Soldier, I’m and American, an American, an American, Soldier.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Greatest Leader In All Of Sports Steve Yzerman, retired Detroit Red Wing superstar and gentleman, was inducted in the Hockey Hall of Fame yesterday. He was the Red Wing captain for 20 of his 22-year career, the longest tenured captain in North American sports history.

"There is such a fine line between winning and losing," Yzerman said. "I came into the league in 1983 and retired in 2006. You win three Cups and you say, 'Wow, it was a successful career.' But the 19 other years weren't so successful.

Those 3 Cups hold many terrific memories, but the other 19 of Yzerman's Wing seasons were also special for me. I had a lot of fun going to games at the Joe or watching the games on TV. I remember being at the game when "Silk" was hit in the face by a slapshot, and I remember watching him lift the first cup while watching on TV at Bubbas.

I remember my 7-year-old son sitting on my lap during a Wings game, when he asked me if maybe he could play hockey. "Sure," said I, having no idea what I was getting myself into (11 years and approximately $50K later). So in a way, I would be driving a much nicer car were it not for Mr. Yzerman!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Some day we will look back on today's events with this song on our lips...

Pelosicare PieDISCLAIMER: Any resemblance to Don McLean's American Pie is strickly coincidental.A long, long time ago...I can still rememberHow Liberty used to make me smile.And I knew my vote was my chanceThat we could make those socialists danceUnless the American public was in denial.

But November '08 made me shiverHope and Change they did deliverBad news on the doorstepI couldn't take one more step

I can't remember if I criedWhen I read about the socialist's bride,But something touched me deep insideThe day Liberty died

So Die, Die, Sick Americans DieDrove my SUV to Emergency,But the Healthcare was dryAnd them good old Blue Dog boys were drinkin' Kool Aid cyanideSingin' this'll be the day my future diesI should have listened when Joe Wilson yelled, "You lie!"

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Barack Hasan Obama: “We don’t know all the answers yet, and I would caution against jumping to conclusions until we have all the facts.”

Facts: Hmmm... let's see. We know Major Nidal Malik Hasan was a practicing Islamofacist, not some much as evidenced by his shouting of “Allahu Akbar”, but more by the discharging of his firearms and killing of brave American patriots.

We know that Hasan was shot by a civilian policewoman, Kimberly Munley, in the incident. This blogger will go out on a limb here and call Ms. Munley a hero, even though Obama would just as soon I wait for all the facts. Who knows, she may have acted stupidly by not reading Hasan his rights.

I would caution here that there is absolutely no proof that Hasan was actually born in Hawaii, or if he still qualifies to some day be elected as the President of the Untited States.

Imam Mohammed Abdullahi says Islam is "not responsible" for Hasan's murderous and cowardly actions. In an unrelated story, the pot called the kettle a "shade of gray".

This reminds me of the scene from Stripes, where Francis insists on being called Psycho under threat of great bodily harm... only with a slight twist:

"My name is Imam Mohammed Abdullahi, but don't say that Islam was responsible for Nidal Malik Hasan going on a psycho killing spree. If any of you great satans call him Muslim, I'll kill ya."

Barack Hasan Obama: Do not jump to conclusions here. I know first hand that it is very possible that Hasan spent 20 years worshipping to racist hate-speech in his mosque without "catching that sermon".

Imam Mohammed Abdullahi: By the way, I'd like to give a shout out to the 12th Imam. Yo, you're number one with me dog!

In a violent city where murder is the norm, basketball is the only truth. Omar McGee gathers testimony from the street in an attempt to make sense of the world he himself struggled against as a child. McGee chronicles the rich legacy of great ball players that have come out of Flint, Michigan, against the gridlock of poverty, drugs and crime that General Motors left behind.

Flintown Kids Movie TrailerLANGUAGE WARNING, YO!

Now it's my turn -

From Chattering Teeth PicturesA Major Motion Picture Exclusive...Flintown - South Side Style

100,000 population60,000 Jobs Lost To General MotorsLeads The Nation In Murders Per CapitaMoney Magazine Listed The Worst Place To Live In America

cue rap music in opening trailor... or better yet a period piece circa 1975, from Flint's very own Grand Funk Railroad.

From the other side of the Flint river, over on the south side of town, kids growing up in the blue-collar neighborhoods had it tough too... sort of.

Shep: I assume this is another film about growing up in the poverty-striken town of Flint, Michigan, and suffering all of the hardships and crime on Flint’s rough streets?

DaBlade: This film tells it's story from my perspective and through my eyes growing up in Flint. Looking back at my childhood I realize that we weren't rich by any means, but we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. My dad was a Homicide Detective for the Flint Police Department, so while he may not have been pulling GM wages, he certainly had steady work.

Shep: Your comment of "steady work" for your father alludes to the infamous mean streets of Flint and the top ranking for murders per capita. Did you grow up flinching at every firecracker or car back-firing, worried that a bullet was coming for you?

DaBlade: My side of town was completely safe by comparison to McGee's depiction of the north side. In fact, the only drive-bys I dreaded in my neighborhood was the daily delivery truck bringing the newspaper bundles for my paper route. The only "crack" I had to worry about was the kind found on the sidewalks.

Shep: McGee's film, Flintown Kids, makes the case that there are only two ways out of Flint for kids seeking a better life - The drug trade or basketball. Yes?

DaBlade: Uhhh... In the 70's, my two main career options involved a decision as to whether I would be happy pushing a button on an assembly line for 40-60 hours per week, or going to school. While GM jobs are now gone, the school option exists even today. As far as I know, there have always been schools on both sides of the river, so I'm not buying this "drugs or basketball" premise.

Shep: But Flint is known for producing great basketball talent, yet you left that off your list of options.

DaBlade: Oh make no mistake Shep, my brothers and I could 'ball...

But inexplicably, no scholarships came our way (not even to oldest brother Snap, who played for the So'western Colts and is missing from the photo). Oh, and don't ask about my face cast. Just know that I lead with my nose. And apparently I was so tough that I used black electrical tape for cuts on the thigh (Jack Bauer, eat your heart out). It's how I roll.

...especially when Holy Redeemer played those punks from Redeemer Lutheran. Notice the young stud (yours truly) hustling in to line up for a teammate's foul shot. If memory serves, this was my first "shift" of the game with 23 seconds left and a 15 point lead. The coach's expert strategy of saving me until the end worked like a charm, as my fresh legs carried the team to victory.

Anyway, don't worry about bookmarking this people, as it will all be in the movie. At least it will once I secure some financing.

Official Fake Blog Comedy Intrepreter

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