Without you, without me.

Sometimes I'll sit near the little window of my apartment,
cuddling closer to the heater and shaking from the cold, looking
far away into the distance at the dim street lights...Comparing
them with myself. There's lots of them out there, standing close
together and yet, each one strangely on it's own, all alone. And
I start remembering everything that happened...Remembering yours
and mine last conversation, how it seemed like life had lost it's
meaning right there and then...

But you know what? You were right, I am strong and I
did get right back up. I came home and crossed you out
of my life... Too bad I did it with a pencil, and not with a
black texter, hoping to one day erase the marks with the elastic.

You'll ask me why? Yes, I told everyone that it didn't matter,
that none of it hurt and that I forgot, and yet it seemed strange
how tight I held the phone in my tired hands... Maybe pride,
maybe pain in thought of the memories unabled me to change
everything... Even though I ached just to hear your voice... At
everyone, absolutely everyone with no exceptions, I
smiled; had fun and showed how much I loved my life. And only on
a rare occassion when coming home, I tightly hugged that same old
teddy...

And you...you were so close to me and yet, at the same time, such
a stranger...
Because there's so much about me that you didn't know...
You didn't know my favourite candy or my favourite flowers,
because you never gave me them...
You didn't know how I liked to be called, because you never
bothered with sweet nicknames...
You didn't know what I was afraid of, because it didn't interest
you...
You didn't watch my favourite movies with me and didn't see me
cry like a little baby...
But I still loved you even through all that. Because I didn't
love you for something, I just loved you for
you. However life unfolds itself for each of us, I know
that one day we will run into each other on the street, but I
will be happy, with a smile on my face. And I will tell
you THANK YOU. For
the happiness you gave me and for the pain you caused me. Because
all of that made me STRONGER!!! So thank you...

At that moment, I will wipe away all tears, smile and finally
realise that everything will be okay.

I left...and you bought yourself a little puppy soon after. She's
always under your feet, everywhere, but you're happy
about it. You started hearing the hidden meaning behind the
lyrics of the songs. Because they're all about me. And
you often search for me with your eyes in crowds. Your heart
starts beating faster when in big, big crowds you see a girl
which looks remarkably like me. You never even had me.
But your eyes still give you away each time we accidently run
into each other… I left my soul with you. Now everything is easy.
Easy, because inside I'm empty. Because my happiness is not in
you, it's in the new dress Gucci.

…You often go on my facebook page.
…But it wasn't love, because you wouldn't walk away from love.
…Though you still want me to love you, even though you haven't
got the guts to admit it to yourself.

…And you never understood...You never understood who I was, why I
came and why I left...

…You burnt the only little bridge connecting us. You could have
built a new one, but you never did...
I left. I don't regret a thing. But I will come back, very, very
soon. Thin, sun-tanned and tired...Come back when I'll get tired
of this boring, easy life. No...not after you...after my
soul...