Nikolai Volkoff just wants to fly the Soviet flag AND wear the WWF Championship, but Hulk says NO! Also, Uncle Elmer is on a mission of LOOOOOVE, but Roddy Piper stands up for women everywhere and says no woman would want to marry that guy! Seriously, what is this chick thinking?! Hit the SNME intro!

This match is going down because Volkoff won’t stop bringing the Soviet flag down to ringside, despite Hulk’s warnings to stop doing it. Hulk is SO pissed off, that he challenged Volkoff to a match and the winner gets to display their flag at ringside if they so please. Hulk’s entrance music for one night only is “Stars, Stripes, and Forever.” Volkoff attacks immediately to start! By immediately, I mean Volkoff rips Hogan’s shirt off on this night. Hulk blocks a head-to-the-buckle and puts Volkoff down with a pair of running clotheslines. Hulk follows up with some headbutts (!) and a big boot sends Volkoff out to the floor. Hogan dominates until Volkoff runs him into the ringpost. Back in, Volkoff begins to work the lower back to set up the GUERILLA PRESS BACKBREAKER! Despite Blassie’s instructions, Volkoff decides to yell at the crowd instead of covering Hulk. When he does, he only gets two. Volkoff tries for another backbreaker, but Hulk backdrops out of it. Hulk fires back, but Volkoff stops him with a throat thrust. A slam from Volkoff gets two, and it’s HULK-UP TIME! Volkoff reverses a whip in the corner, but charges and eats the ringpost! Hogan LEG DROP gets the three-count! (5:17) After the match, Hulk STEALS the Soviet flag from Blassie and spit-shines his boots with it. Nice fast-paced little match if I do say so myself. **

Mean Gene gets a quick word from the Hulkster who says USA is going to live forever, brother! They chat up the Uncle Elmer wedding for a bit. We learn that Gene gets to play the organ! After we sneak a peek at the bride getting ready, Gene stands by with the hillbillies to kill some time. Bottom line, they ain’t worried.
Uncle Elmer (w/Hillbilly Jim & Cousin Junior) vs. Jerry Valiant

Jerry Valiant was brought into the WWF in the late ’70s as Jimmy’s replacement in the Valiant Brothers tag team. The story is really irrelevant because at this point, Valiant was just a JTTS. Vince ~ “Uncle Elmer is 460 pounds! Is that possible?!” Great line. Match ends quicker than a hiccup as Valiant charges and gets slammed for the three-count. (:06) This breaks King Kong Bundy’s shortest-match-ever record from Wrestlemania against SD Jones in eight seconds. Vince McMahon really is a great man because that’s about as much as I could stand of Uncle Elmer wrestling. I’m sure he’s a great guy and all, but seriously. CRAP

Mean Gene meets with the hillbillies once more and WOW, what a train wreck. Elmer can barely talk and Gene does all he can to save that little interview.

OH SNAP, Arnold Schwarzenegger is in the crowd!

It’s time for the “Body Shop” with Jesse Ventura. His guest tonight is Bobby Heenan. Since Orndorff turned face, he dumped Heenan as his manager. Heenan REALLY hates the guy now and puts out a $50,000 bounty on Orndorff’s head. To show he can cash the checks his mouth makes, Heenan has CASH with him tonight!

Mean Gene is standing by with Paul Orndorff who’s got skirt jokes for the Hot Rod! Once Orndorff leaves for the ring, Gene asks Piper what will happen to Heenan if he doesn’t pay up. It’s plain and simple; he’ll RIP HIS THROAT OUT!

“Mr. Wonderful” Paul Orndorff vs. Roddy Piper

This is just a brawl all the way. Seriously, Orndorff was the only one to do an actual wrestling move and it was a back suplex. No pin attempts or anything in this baby. Towards the end of the match, Orndorff gets his knees up once Piper tries for a running splash. Orndorff comes off the ropes and tries for a crossbody and they both end up going over the top and out to the floor! They brawl all the way to the locker room for the double-countout. (4:04) Piper finally gets away from Orndorff once he reaches his room and even then fights to get his door shut. There’s another fun, short match for you. *½

Next up, it’s the Uncle Elmer/Joyce wedding. I can’t go without mentioning that Hulk and Andre are at the wedding alongside the other hillbillies. This thing is booed from the start and I can’t say I blame the crowd. I even think some one threw something at the bride’s face! Good thing she had that veil on. Vince and Jesse do their best to get through this until Roddy Piper comes down and shouts that there is no room for romance in wrestling. Roddy gets to share his thoughts and quietly leaves the arena. Elmer gets to kiss the bride and thank God, it’s over! Hey, the WWF/E only does weddings to set up a feud, and this one between Piper and his buddies against the hillbillies lasts through January until T returns to take on Piper at WrestleMania 2.

The wedding reception is going to be a country hoe-down!

Mean Gene is now standing by with Big John Studd, King Kong Bundy and Bobby Heenan. They HATE Andre and don’t care too much for Tony Atlas either!
Andre the Giant & Tony Atlas vs. King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd (w/Bobby Heenan)

As soon as they lock-up, Andre starts choking Bundy with his tights and the ref doesn’t do anything to stop him! Andre releases and pounds Bundy in the corner and goes back to choking. Atlas helps out Andre with a headbutt and tags in to take on Bundy. Bundy connects with a back elbow, but misses an elbow drop and headbutts Bundy into his corner to tag in Studd. Atlas nails some more headbutts and tries to slam Studd, but NOBODY can do that! Atlas reverses a whip into the ropes but whiffs on a dropkick as Studd takes over. Bundy comes in and splashes Atlas while Andre nails Studd with a headbutt. Atlas makes the tag to Andre and now we’ve got Andre vs. Studd, which is what the crowd wants to see. Andre pounds on him and boots Studd out to the floor. Bundy comes in illegally again and starts beating up Andre while Studd grabs Atlas from the apron and drives him spine-first into the ringpost. Now that Atlas is incapacitated, the heels double-team Andre in the corner as the ref calls the bell. (4:26) He quickly fights out with a DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER until Hulk Hogan comes running down, leather pants and all, for the save to set up the main event for the next SNME. ½*

Before the break, they show a rare clip of the Dream Team winning the belts from the US Express after Beefcake raked Windham’s eye with something that hurt him so bad that Valentine dropped the HAMMER and got the win. Valentine starts off with Poffo and wears him down into a headlock. Barry Windham (complete with eye patch!) and Mike Rotundo are watching on in the front row. Poffo flips out and applies an armbar, but Valentine makes the ropes. Valentine slams Poffo and tags in Beefcake, but Poffo cleans house on Valentine and delivers a moonsault (!) to Beefcake for 1, 2, NO! Valentine tags in and brings Poffo back to their corner and tags in Beefcake. Poffo kicks out of a pin attempt and leaps over and makes the hot tag to Garea. He’s got a pair of dropkicks for the Dream Team and delivers a crossbody to Beefcake for 1, 2, NO! Garea charges in the corner and eats an elbow, allowing Beefcake to make the tag. Valentine connects with the HAMMER elbow to set up the FIGURE-FOUR! Poffo just stands there on the apron while Garea submits. (3:35) The US Express never got the big rematch against the tag champs and by WrestleMania, both men had went back to wrestle in Florida. ½*

Looks like we’re invited to the wedding reception too! This does look like a fun little hoe-down. Hogan, Orndorff, Vince and Jesse are all hanging out together at the same table. Can anybody in the world see such happening now? Lanny Poffo, in a homo-errific fashion, recites a little poem for the happy new couple. Hillbilly Jim does the toast, and now Tiny Tim is here to “one-up” Hillbilly Jim by presenting Elmer and Joyce with a hippy ukulele. Man, 1968 called. It wants its one-hit celebrities back. Oh gosh, and we finish this travesty with Uncle Elmer serenading his new wife. Either he’s really nervous or he REALLY needs a cigarette, because his hand looks as though it had a vibrate option!
Final Thoughts:First off, what is with Vince McMahon and hillbillies? There was nothing really all that great here to go out of your way to see. You can catch the Hogan/Volkoff match on the Hulk Still Rules DVD. The Piper/Orndorff match might be worth a look, but don’t go fighting anybody over it. I’ll give SNME #2 thumbs in the middle.

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