I started the blog Bureaucracy for Breakfast in 2010, and it was a comedic look at unemployment, the economic divide, and the lifestyles of the 1%. It was featured on Marketplace on NPR, AOL News, Huffington Post, and Chelsea Handler’s Borderline Amazing Comedy. I have been interviewed by ABC 20/20 for a segment about the Rich Kids of Instagram, and in addition to writing about Hollywood, celebrity, and excess for Forbes I write about pop culture and entertainment for The Hairpin, Ask Men, Salon, the Los Angeles Review of Books, and Studio System News. My first book, BROKENOMICS, is coming from Seal Press spring 2015. You can find me on Twitter @TheElf26.

The Lindsay Lohan Discount: Celebrities and Their Freebies

Most celebrities have all the money in the world to throw at Louboutins (real ones, not the phonies made in China), Crystal, and lush private jets. Their paychecks have so many zeroes that mere mortals might go cross-eyed just looking at them. Zeroes are positive numbers to celebs, like tiny but powerful ovals radiating success and privilege and the option to purchase a small island if they need to escape from all that adoration. For the rest of us, zeroes usually mean that our bank account is in the negative and we might need to hock our Louboutin knockoffs for cash. Most celebs earn all that wealth, but on top of the high tax bracket their fame also entitles them to a ridiculous amount of freebies. We’re not talking little perfume samples at Sephora or tiny bites of cheese at Whole Foods type freebies – we’re talking designer clothes, La Mer moisturizer, and maybe a car or two. Let’s take the recent case of Lindsay Lohan and her surf-shop shopping spree as an example.

Lohan isn’t exactly a shining example of celebrity status and integrity, but she’s in the “zeroes are my friends” club when it comes to finances. Who knows if she’s blowing it all or saving with the patience and discrimination of the world’s most discerning accountant, but for now, the girl can spend. According to TMZ (always a bastion of celebrity gossip), she’s already made about $2M this year alone, posing for Playboy, channeling Elizabeth Taylor for Lifetime, showing up on time and finishing an indie flick called The Canyons. Lohan recently spent close to $3,000 at a Huntington Beach surf shop, which is probably not an extravagant sum to her (but which also kills the “discerning accountant” thesis). She loaded up on all that gear for her little brother, which is very sweet and generous. It’s the thought that counts, and when you’re a megastar that thought can extend beyond a Hallmark card and a hug. What’s crazy about Lohan’s shopping spree isn’t the price tag – it’s the fact that the shop gave her a 30% discount. Not because of a “going out of business” sale or because she won some sort of surf shop lotto by calling into a radio station six thousand times. They gave her a discount because she’s Lindsay Lohan. Neat.

How great would it be to walk up to the checker at the grocery store or the Clinique counter and hear them say, “Hey, you’re a great person and I feel like giving you 30% off out of the kindness of my heart. You deserve a break.” That rarely happens to most of us unless we’ve bonded with the person at the register over a shared love of corn dogs or a realization that we grew up five miles from each other and our brothers were on the same T-ball team. Not that businesses can go around giving 30% any old day, but while the rest of us wait for those “going out of business” sales or prepare to endure the sadomasochism of Black Friday, celebrities orbit a realm where discounts and freebies flow like rivers of fine champagne. Not only can they afford real Louboutins – they get them for free, just for waking up in the morning and having feet.

Evidently the more money you have, the more free things float your way. That’s just life. Swag bags in the land of the rich and famous hold designer jeans, champagne, gourmet vegan chocolate, and things like passes to pricey SoulCycle classes. Gift bags, as they’re called down on Earth, usually hold a pen, a magnet, and a ball of twine with some company’s logo on it. Maybe there’s a piece of chocolate in there too, made in Detroit. No big deal. Any freebie is a nice freebie, and we can’t all be Lindsay Lohan or Beyonce – plus, while we’re jealous of their designer freebies, they might be jealous of our anonymity during their private moments of self-reflection brought on by excess fabulousness. One thing is for sure, though. That whole idea that “there’s no such thing as a free lunch” doesn’t mean much in the realm of La Lohan. For the rest of us, when the rare “free lunch” does come around, we should remember to appreciate it.

What do you think of celebrity freebies? Fair? Unfair? Sound off in the comments!

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