Relationships

He wanted an abortion

We found out that I was pregnant unexpectedly. We are 22 and 23 years old. I am currently 30 weeks. When we found out my boyfriend at the time wanted me to have an abortion and was very mean about it.

We are no longer together and he hasn't helped with the baby or anything at all. Suddenly now he is sorry and "didn't mean it" could you forgive someone for wanting you to abort your child? I'm not sure if I can

I think it would be very difficult to get past, especially since pregnancy is so hard with great support, let alone being left by yourself and having a partner who is mean about you even being pregnant. I would cautiously focus on his learning to be a Father, set up child support as soon as she's born, and let him prove he wants to be in her life before worrying or considering a relationship with him again.

My BF wanted me to have any abortion in the beginning as well, but made it clear he would leave the decision up to me and support the decision i made. I'm now 32 weeks and he is thrilled to become a father. In my opinion, guys are entitled to freak out and him wanting you to have an abortion initially isn't grounds for you keeping him from the child. I can understand if you don't want a relationship with him, but I do think you should "forgive" him for the sake of the child. You are both incredibly young and this is a huge life change...he was entitled to be freaked out.

I unfortunately you may not have much of a choice. If he wants custody and visitation the courts won’t grant it solely to you because he wanted an abortion. He still has as much rights to the child that you do. For the sake of your child you’re going to have to get a long and co parent.

I also agree with PP no one judges a woman who freaks out and considers abortion. Even if her partner wants to keep it. Men can freak out too. I know it hurts but you’re going to have to put your child first and do parent well with this man

My boyfriend when I got pregnant wanted me to get an abortion, that was his plan A. I was very clear before I got pregnant this was not something that I would do. He ultimately worked with me on how we would make this work. We got married when our son was 22m and 9m after the wedding we had another baby.

Our first that he wanted me to abort has special needs, which caused a strange resentment dynamic, like a retrospective "see?," but that was his difficulty in accepting his son's condition.

In the end we decided to always be a team. We worked together through reservations to having a baby (finances, etc) and I have always stepped up where I could to help him address this. Now that we aren't sure whether or not to have a third someday (he is 90% sure he doesn't, I'm 75% sure I do), if we don't he will likely work with ME to help me deal with no more kids.

At 23 years old, it is still young especially for a guy to be responsible for having and raising a child. Unfortunately studies have shown that dad's that didn't want to be dad's will do much less of the work in parenthood and there most likely will be more relationship troubles.

I think he's entitled to "freak out" but I feel like freaking out and killing a child is two different things. I was freaked out. Didn't want to abort her even though I was terrified. But then again that's just my personal beliefs.

I'm not putting listing him as the father when she's born. He can work for it and spend the money on paternity if he thinks it's that important.

You know it could have absolutely nothing to do with the child on a personal level, he is 23 years old and he was probably scared. Is that a good reason? No, but I wouldn't be so quick to judge a person for being scared and maybe he acted out of fear of the unknown.

An unplanned pregnancy? In an uncommitted relationship? Of course I would forgive him.

Neither of you has yet met your child. You are attached to him/her, because you are growing it in your belly. He has come around to the fact that there will soon be a little piece of him running around the world... and he's trying to extend a hand - so that in another couple of months, when your child does make his/her appearance, you can be friends/friendly. I actually applaud him for growing up!

The only thing I would be wary about is if he was only using this foray as a way to get back together with you. Then I would take it with a grain of salt. As long as he acknowledged that he hurt you by how he brought up the idea of an abortion, I say - move along and work on a solid co-parenting relationship.

And remember, you (general), as the woman, have the right to make the singular decision to move forward with an unplanned pregnancy. So, as several PPs have stated - if you (general female) had the right to even ponder an abortion - but decided months later to keep the baby, should that early worry/fear/apprehension be held against you? Should you have to grovel and make amends to anyone? Do you really need to be forgiven? I think not! As long a abortions are still legal, then both parties to an unplanned pregnancy should have the right to at least bring up that option.

My guess is that he being young & immature that he probably thought abortion was the only option, and later realized there is a life. I understand it is not easy to accept the fact that he asked to abort the baby. My encouragement to you is to forgive. When we forgive someone or even ourselves, we release the hurts, resentment & anger. Because those negative emotions only hurt us in the long run. Forgiving him means you are willing to move on and be at peace. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. It frees you from being stuck in the muck. Give yourself some time to ponder over it. There should be no pressure in making any decision. Who knows, maybe during this time, he may step up & prove that he is matured and responsible enough to own up to be a daddy. Sending you love & blessings.

You guys are so young, I would forgive him. I definitely don't think it's an appropriate thing to say but even older men freak out too when they find out their gonna be dads. It's a scary thing becoming a parent.

I wouldn’t be able to just get over it. For right now, I’d let him see the baby, but not without me until custody was set. He’d have to show me he changed before I’d even consider giving the relationship another try.

Honestly, the pain will stick with you forever. I got pregnant young and everyone tried to coerce me into an abortion. My parents, my boyfriend, his parents. Everyone. I decided against it and I was alone in that decision. It’s been 7 years and it still hurts me every now and again but my boyfriend at the time is now my husband and a great father.

If he’s coming around you should let him join the picture, even if you aren’t together. Men just take longer coming around and accepting a surprise pregnancy. You’re the one who knew you had a life inside you, to him it was just an idea at that point. I’m not saying forgive him, but now that he’s trying, let him. Your baby deserves a father if the guy wants to be around.

Yes you should eventually forgive him if he takes an active role and is supportive to you and your baby. It won't happen overnight and it's fine that you feel the way you do. You're a mom now- you're always going to be protective of your child first and foremost.

Was he wrong for wanting an abortion? No. It's a legal option and these are conversations that happen when pregnancy is unplanned. Like another poster said, you've bonded with the baby but he has had a slower process.

So it's totally natural for you to be hesitant and you should be! He needs to prove his loyalty to the baby and show what kind of father he will be and how he will support you either as a coparent or a father. In time, if he proves himself you will hopefully be able to forgive him.

The material on this website is provided for educational purposes only and is not to be used for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, or in place of therapy or medical care. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy.