UP physics major Carlo Candare: “I pulled it on its tail and threw it. Then like some pro wrestler I jumped on it and my feet landed on its torso. Slam! Felt good! But the chicken didn’t die, well not yet.”

And finally…
Former Bb. Pilipinas-World Janina San Miguel: “The chicken’s role for me is so important. Becoz, they’re was, they was the one… whoooose…. very… Ahaha Oh I’m so sorry. The chicken… the chicken… oh my god! I’m so sorry, I told you the chicken is so confident. Eto, ahm, wait! Ahahahaha! Sorry guys because it’s the first time the chicken cross the road. Because the chicken is only 17 weeks old. And, haha, I did not expect that the chicken came from… came from one of the tough hen. Soooo. But I said… dot… the chicken is one of the most important bird in my life. Thank you.”

Independence Day
Today, the whole country is celebrating Independence Day. Or as China would say, “Enjoy it while it lasts.”

Reports say Chinese Ambassador to the Philippines Liu Jianchao greeted President Aquino in Malacanang on the occasion of the country’s 113th Independence Day. Liu also thanked Aquino for being a hardworking leader of “a Chinese territory.”

Salceda’s Suggestion
In retaliation to Beijing’s “bullying” amid reported repeated intrusions of Chinese vessels in Spratly Islands and the West Philippine Sea, Albay Governor Joey Salceda has called for a boycott of all “Made in China” products. China described Salceda’s call as “an act of treason.”

World’s Shortest
The Guinness World Records has declared 18-year-old Junrey Balawing of Zamboanga Del Norte as the world’s shortest adult man. Balawing’s parents couldn’t say why Junrey just stopped growing although Malacañang believes that the previous administration may have something to do with it.

Personal
Try to catch “SRO: Suhestyon, Reaksyon at Opinyon,” the fearless, revealing, and sometimes, intriguing but otherwise entertaining program on dzMM hosted by Ms Lynda Jumilla and Alvin Elchico. It’s been my (almost) nightly habit right after 24Oras and TV Patrol.
Happy Independence Day! Have a great week ahead!

Today’s Forecast in Sports
“The Miami Heat will beat the Dallas Mavericks in June. They will be crowned 2010-2011 NBA champs and LeBron James will finally receive his first ever championship ring.” — American Christian radio broadcaster and preacher Harold Camping

After Pacquiao’s win over Sugar Shane Mosley, people started to ask, “Who will be next for Manny?” Well, that’s easy. Who’s aging?

“Dear Sugar Shane Mosley,
What the hell was that?
You hardly fought.
Who do you think you are, the Lakers?”
————————————————————————“Boxing is the toughest and loneliest sport in the world.”
~Frank Bruno

Heavy Downpour
As I write this, it’s raining hard here in Makati City. Just last week, temperatures reached record highs. Now there’s a storm. I hate you MAY WEATHER! #pacmanforever

In Memoriam
BREAKING NEWS: At 6AM today, May 9 (Manila time), the 2010-2011 season of the L.A. Lakers expired. The coaching staff tried to revive it to no avail. The team succumbed to complications associated with old age and “trust issues.” The bereaved family of owner Dr. Jerry Buss would like to thank the Lakers community for their unwavering support. In lieu of brooms, ridicule, and mockery, the team is asking for prayers.

Thank you Lakers for the 2010-2011 memories. I’ll always be your No. 1 fan. “For good times & bad times, I’ll be on your side forever more… ”

Aquino & Cruz
President Aquino still refuses to comment on Archbishop Emeritus Oscar Cruz’ advice for him to stay single. When it comes to romance, the President listens to Mother Mary – the only virgin he trusts.

Easter Message
In his Easter Sunday message, CBCP president and Tandag Bishop Nereo Odchimar called on the public to “not be selfish as to deprive others of their right to live.” And then, in his personal Easter text message to Archbishop Cruz, he asked him to “not be selfish as to deprive Noynoy of his right to love.”

Maundy Thursday
President Aquino and his Cabinet staged a modern version of the Last Supper last Thursday. DSWD Secretary Dinky Soliman fed the apostles. Executive Sec. Paquito Ochoa drank all the wine.

Easter Sunday
The Philippine National Police and the NBI played Easter egg hunt on Sunday. As expected, they failed to locate the eggs.

Visita Iglesia
With more than 130,000 page views, the CBCP’s Visita Iglesia website was a huge hit. That’s not surprising though since it’s the only place where Catholics could mute or stop a bishop during a sermon.

According to the CBCP, more than 130,000 joined Visita Iglesia online. Catholics actually liked the experience. They had the chance to reflect between tweets.

Pacquiao’s Single
Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao is training hard to punish Sugar Shane Mosley on May 7. But before that, he is set to punish us all with the global release of “Sometimes When We Touch” on April 28.

Singer/songwriter Dan Hill says Many Pacquiao’s recording of “Sometimes When We Touch” “was like wow!” To put that in perspective, Hill was paid millions of dollars in royalty.

Congressman Manny Pacquiao is releasing the single “Sometimes When We Touch” globally on April 28. Your days are numbered… Rebecca Black!

Bieber Blunder
During a concert in Malaysia last April 21, international teen pop star Justin Bieber greeted the crowd, “Hello Manila!” To be fair to Justin, he thought he was in Sabah.
————————————-
“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
~Emo Philips

April 24th
On this day in…

1982: Kelly Clarkson was born. The attending physician said Kelly was in her element. And her first cry… was perhaps the best cry of the night in that hospital. She really made it her own.

1942: Barbra Streisand was born. Baby Barbra weighed 5 lbs… and that was her nose alone!

ARE YOU FAMILIAR with Jeopardy? It’s the American quiz show with a “unique answer-and-question format.” Players are given clues in the form of answers, and they must phrase their responses in question form.

Here’s an example:EMPLOYERS for $1200Answer: It offers a salary of only P30,000 per month but after five years, you get to earn a total of 740 million pesos!
“What is… the AFP?” | #maytamaka! #ligot

The following were lifted from a recent episode of “Jeopardy! Riddles Edition!” where thousands of dollars were given away to a set of Filipino contestants. [Opo, merong gano’n. ‘Wag n’yo nang itanong kung saan.] Enjoy!

Personal
From my Palanca Award-winning friend Layeta Bucoy (ikaw na!):
Nicolas Pichay’s “3-N-1/ 10-10-10:Writing-on-Site Workshop for Stage, TV, and Film
This workshop has limited available slots. Interested parties are encouraged to immediately submit a letter of intent to marcelohdelpilar@yahoo.com (Re: 3-N-1/ 10-10-10). Only for purposes of diagnostics, each participant is encouraged to submit with the letter a soft copy of a previously written stage, tv or film script (not necessarily produced). For inquiries: 7824454.

Pac and Barack
Cong. Manny Pacquiao met with US President Barack Obama during a White House visit Wednesday morning (Manila time). Obama promised to help Pacquiao knock out poverty in Sarangani Province; Pacquiao promised to help Obama knock out illegal Mexican immigrants in the US.

US President Barack Obama and Filipino lawmaker Manny Pacquiao met for the first time at the White House. Apparently awed by each other’s presence, Pacquiao’s first words were, “As an African-American, do you also like boxing?” And then Obama said, “As a Filipino leader, do you also like hotdogs?”

Accompanied by his wife Jinkee, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao met with US President Barack Obama at the White House. The two leaders exchanged gifts during lunch. Obama gave Pacman a watch with the presidential logo on it. Pacquiao gave Obama a pair of boxing trunks with his sponsors’ logos on it.

Reports say US Vice President Joe Biden was also present during the Obama-Pacquiao meeting. In fact, when Biden saw Jinkee Pacquiao, he said, “You remind me of my daughter.” And then Jinkee replied, “You remind me of our Senate president.”

Manny Pacquiao also met with Senator Harry Reid. Just so you know, Pacman endorsed Reid during the US midterm elections last year. So far, Reid is the only candidate, Filipino or American, that won after being endorsed by Pacman.

The People’s Champ and 8-division world champion Manny Pacquiao invited US President Barack Obama to watch his next fight against Sugar Shane Mosley… to which Obama said in Filipino, “Sino ‘yon?”

People Power Anniversary
Former presidents Fidel V. Ramos and Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo as well as Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile will be invited to participate in the activities commemorating the 25th anniversary of the 1986 People Power Revolution. Even former president Joseph Estrada will be asked to join the celebration. It seems that Malacañang has invited everyone who was present during President Aquino’s inauguration last year… except for Juana Change.

SC: Impeach Mercy
The Supreme Court has voted to allow the House of Representatives to proceed with the impeachment proceedings against Ombudsman Merceditas Gutierrez. Seven magistrates said “Yes!” for the continuation of the impeachment proceedings while five said “No.” Oddly, the three remaining justices said, “ugly but rich.”

Trillanes Fires Back
Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV said the Philippine Daily Inquirer got it all wrong when the paper quoted him as saying that former Defense Secretary Angelo Reyes was “not the powerful man” behind former military comptroller Carlos F. Garcia. I’m not sure if that will be Trillanes’ final statement on the issue so I’ll reserve my punchline for next week. Mabuti na’ng sigurado.

Famous Solon
Rumors say Dinagat Rep. Ruben Ecleo Jr., who was recently convicted of graft, wants to star in his own movie. Ecleo is confident his film will make a killing at the tills because of his cult following.

Cong. Ruben Ecleo Jr. failed to get a TRO on the arrest warrant issued by the Sandiganbayan in connection with his graft conviction. Ecleo’s not losing hope though. He’ll seek the help of his god by offering a goat, two cows, and three cult members.

Shooting Phil
Phil Younghusband of the Philippine football team reveals he is into target shooting… to which President Noynoy Aquino said, “You want to work in my government?”

Enrile, Valentine’s Day, etc.
Senator Enrile turned a year older on February 14. Wanna know how old is he now? Here’s a clue: when he was born, there was no Valentine’s Day yet.

On Valentine’s Day, Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile celebrated his 87th birthday. To mark this special day, Enrile staged a fake birthday party for himself.

Session at the Senate was briefly interrupted when Senator Enrile opened the gifts from his fellow senators. He thanked all of his colleagues for their birthday presents… except for an unidentified lawmaker who gave him a Fossil watch.

Senator Enrile got the surprise of his life when ABS-CBN President Charo Santos phoned him on his 87th birthday. The Kapamilya executive offered Enrile a cameo in the fantasy series, ‘Imortal.’

Turning 35 and 87 on Valentine’s Day, respectively were TV host Marc Nelson and Senate President Juan Ponce Enrile… or as Sen. Loren Legarda would describe them, “A very active guy who is boyfriend material, and Marc Nelson.”

Not everyone was happy on the day of hearts. Rumors have it Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV got pissed when he opened his wife’s Valentine’s Day gift – flip-flops!

CPP Turns 42
The Communist Party of the Philippines marks its 42nd year today, December 26. To celebrate its anniversary, CPP founding chair Jose Maria Sison will blow 42 candles while the CPP’s armed wing, the New People’s Army will blow up 42 cell sites.

Batch ‘71
The more prominent members of the Philippine Military Academy Batch ’71 reportedly enjoyed their Christmas shopping last week. Sen. Gringo Honasan bought jewelry for his wife; Senator Panfilo Lacson bought toys for his grandson, and ex-General Carlos Garcia bought temporary liberty for himself.

Ex-General Carlos Garcia who is facing plunder charges is out on bail! Rumors say the Sandiganbayan granted him liberty because they believed his alibi that he was in the United States when the crime took place and that he didn’t personally know Jessica Alfaro.

Cabinet Revamp
Last Friday, Presidential Communications Strategy Secretary Ricky Carandang confirmed that President Benigno Aquino would revamp his Cabinet next year. Quoting the President, Carandang said three cabinet officials would be affected by the reshuffle. He did not reveal their names although one thing’s for sure, those guys have no interest whatsoever in guns or target shooting. #sorrynalang

Len Lopez
Last December 16 President Aquino reportedly brought along his latest date, stockbroker Maria Elena “Len” Lopez to a sit down dinner with Cabinet officials and their spouses. Two words: (click here).

Pacman On Top
CNN’s Sports Illustrated has chosen Manny Pacquiao and his 2010 bouts as the year’s biggest boxing story. In close second was the Balay vs. Samar fight.

Solon Loses Cool
Alliance of Volunteer Educators (AVE) party list Rep. Eulogio Magsaysay reportedly berated a PAL ground attendant when he and his sons could not be seated together in the business class section of a PAL flight to Los Angeles recently. When told that all seats were taken, Magsaysay allegedly told the attendant “Shut up you bitch! You menopausal bitch. Ipapasisante kita.” Apparently, this educator was a terror teacher.

Flight Attendants Win
Favoring the Flight Attendants’ and Stewards’ Association of the Philippines in their dispute against Philippine Airlines, the Department of Labor and Employment has increased the mandatory retirement age of all flight attendants to 60 years old. The decision was slammed by PAL… and AVE party list Rep. Eulogio Magsaysay.

Crotch Me if You Can
Airport authorities nabbed a 38-year-old passenger headed for Cotabato City Airport on Christmas day after a packet of suspected shabu, or methamphetamine hydrochloride, was found in his underwear. Airport cops were definite about the substance saying, “Kapag shabu kasi, ‘di ka makakatulog. ‘Yong kuwan niya gising na gising!”
———————————————-“Once you consent to some concession, you can never cancel it and put things back the way they are.”
~ Howard Hughes

9: “We had a conversation and I discovered how a beautiful person she was, one can have intelligent conversation with her.” Kaninong linya ito at sino ang kanyang tinutukoy?A: President Aquino on Liz UyB: James Yap on Attorney Lorna KapunanC: Former ABS-CBN News chief Maria Ressa on Korina SanchezD: Jessica Soho on the artist formerly known as Jimboy

IN THE NEWS… The architect of the scrapped “Pilipinas Kay Ganda” project, Tourism undersecretary Vicente Romano has resigned. Palace sources believe Romano was still “inspired” by Poland’s tourism logo when he quit his post… because the last line in his resignation letter reads, “That’s all Polsk!”

Contrary to Secretary Alberto Lim’s earlier claim that not a single centavo was spent for the scrapped re-branding of the government’s tourism campaign, DOT insiders revealed that almost 5M pesos was spent for it. Pilipinas Kay Mahal!

Tourism Undersecretary Vicente “Enteng” Romano, the brains behind the botched ‘Pilipinas Kay Ganda’ brand said sorry for what he has done in a press briefing. There was one awkward moment though when Sec. Dinky Soliman suddenly appeared and started singing ‘If We Hold On (Together.)’

Tourism Undersecretary Vicente “Enteng” Romano, the proponent of the controversial ‘Pilipinas Kay Ganda’ brand has resigned. He has since applied for a job in the Supreme Court.

Welcome to the Philippines!
Where Tourism officials draw inspiration from the Poles
Mabuhay!

Pilipinas Kay Ganda:
A Postscript
Just five days after its grand launch, the Department of Tourism’s controversial logo, which bears a strong resemblance to Poland’s tourism logo – was ordered scrapped by President Aquino. DOT officials are now doing research on the tourism logos of Peru and Panama.

President Aquino admitted Saturday that the image of a tarsier in the “Pilipinas kay Ganda” logo as well as the smiling face were his idea. He just wanted to add a ‘personal’ touch to the brand.

Advertising agency Campaigns & Grey revealed that the Department of Tourism “directed” them to use the Polska logo “for inspiration.” But they got so inspired they eventually fell in love with it.

Pacman in Malacañang
Eight-division world champion Manny Pacquiao paid a courtesy call on President Aquino in Malacañang last Saturday. Pacquiao was also welcomed by some cabinet members. It was like the meeting of a welterweight and the lightweights.

Malacañang didn’t bestow any award to Manny Pacquiao last Saturday but President Aquino gave him a bottle of wine. It was no ordinary wine though. It was pre-tasted by Assistant Secretary Mai Mislang.

Manny Pacquiao paid a courtesy call in Malacañang Saturday. After exchanging gifts with the President, Pacquiao and his supporters left the palace… but promised to return – in 2028.

From the Ninoy Aquino International Airport, pound-for-pound king Manny Pacquiao with his family, assistants, and close supporters proceeded to the New World Hotel in Makati City. There were 15 rooms booked for the Pacquiao entourage – 4 rooms for Manny and family, and 11 rooms for Jinkee’s Louis Vuitton and Hermes bags.

Reports say Sen. Juan Ponce Enrile is not sold to the idea of Manny Pacquiao running for president of the Philippines, perhaps in 2022 or 2028. Pacquiao’s supporters were unfazed by the senator’s stance on their idol’s possible presidential bid mainly because they’re sure Enrile would no longer be around when it happens.
—————————“It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation.”
~Herman Melville

Briefly Noted
Several (if not all) branches of Wendy’s Hamburgers have been consistently violating the Consumer Act of the Philippines. Its price tags are exclusive of the 12% VAT. The law states “it shall be unlawful to offer any consumer product for retail sale to the public without an appropriate price tag, label or marking publicly displayed to indicate the price of each article and said product shall not be sold at a price higher than that stated therein and without discrimination to all buyers.

MANNY “PACMAN” PACQUIAO has defeated his much bigger opponent, Antonio “Tijuana Tornado” Margarito of Mexico. He has now won big fights against Margarito, Oscar De La Hoya, and Miguel Cotto. His next target? Either the Senate or the vice presidency.

Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao has beaten Antonio Margarito of Mexico. Margarito, who was 17-pound heavier, was Pacquiao’s second toughest opponent to date… next only to Darlene Antonino-Custodio.

Beaten black and blue by Manny Pacquiao, Antonio Margarito is now known as “The Tijuana Tostado.”

Manny Pacquiao demolished Antonio Margarito to win the WBC super welterweight championship. He is now the 8-time, 2-timing fighting congressman from the Philippines.

According to rumors, Asst. Sec. Mai Mislang was using a secret Twitter account while watching the bout. Observers had reason to believe it was Mislang who owned the account because of the “nature” of the tweets. One tweet said, “margarito sucks @rickycarandang” And yet another said, “crossing pacquiao’s path is the easiest way to die.” And finally, one tweet read, “sorry pacman pero mas pogi si margarito.”

Manny Pacquiao won every round on one scorecard, 120-108, and was ahead 119-109 and 118-110 on the other two. The Associated Press scored it 120-108, a shutout for Manny. As expected, Kantar-TNS scored it 118-110… for ABS-CBN.

Despite their compatriot’s defeat, a contingent of Mexicans still managed to party in Texas after the fight. However, tension ensued between a bar manager and a group of Mexicans when waiters reportedly served them bloody margarita.

Manny Pacquiao exuded confidence when he entered the stadium for the title fight. He was accompanied by the usual suspects – trainer Freddie Roach, conditioning coach Alex Ariza, and Dyan Castillejo.

Free TV Telecast
Watching the fight on free TV, Filipinos realized three things: no boxer could match Pacquiao’s speed; Manny’s still the best fighter pound-for-pound, and GMA 7 yet again, was in another time zone.

Thrilled
Hundreds if not thousands of Filipinos including expats witnessed the 12-round bout between Manny Pacquiao and Antonio Margarito in malls, restaurants, and hotels. Asked to describe the fight, a Briton said, “Awesome!” A lawyer said, “Tough!” And an APO member said, “Explosive!”

National Anthem
Recording artist Zyrene Parsad sang the Philippine national anthem before the Pacquiao-Margarito fight. Those who caught her rendition of ‘Lupang Hinirang’ were inclined to believe she’s a graduate of the ‘Erwin Tulfo Accent-Accentan Academy.’

————————————-
“Champions aren’t made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them – a desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little faster, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.”
~ Muhammad Ali

Makati Gas Leak
Independent experts from UP discovered that the petroleum pipeline operated by the Lopez-owned First Philippine Industrial Corp. (FPIC) was the REAL source of the gas leak at the West Tower Condominium in Brgy. Bangkal, Makati City. When the leak was first discovered, Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay was quick to absolve FPIC of any wrongdoing. The reports didn’t say though if FPIC officials were Binay’s fraternity brothers.

Briefly Noted
Three months ago, this was the headline:

To Energy Secretary Jose Rene Almendras:
“Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.”

Hostage Incident
A hostage incident took place in Brgy. Bangkal, Makati City Thursday afternoon. The crisis was swiftly resolved mainly because the police were able to control the media.

Travel Warnings & Security
Six countries have advised their nationals against traveling to the Philippines… specifically to Brgy. Bangkal, Makati City.

First the United States. Then, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and Great Britain. And now, France. What have we done to you? Did we say that your wine sucked? Did we say that men in your country didn’t look good? Did we say that crossing your streets was the easiest way to die? How dare you!? How could you treat us like this when you’re not even Vietnam?!?

On Thursday, an irked President Aquino said reports of imminent terror threats in the Philippines have “no adequate basis” and “were blown out of proportion.” A day later, he confirmed “the assassination plots on several of our security officials and two ambassadors.” Ano ba talaga?

Amid reports of terror threats in Metro Manila, the Light Rail Transit is now on Alert Level 3. Meanwhile, President Aquino is on Red Alert Level 10.

Due to stricter baggage inspection, there have been long queues at LRT and MRT stations. But queues outside lotto outlets are still longer.

Mall owners are reportedly concerned over reports of imminent terror threats in the metro. To give you an idea of how concerned they have been, this morning, the Gokongweis evacuated the “snake” out of Robinsons Galleria.

Following reports of terror threats, security has been beefed up around the metro. And people from all walks of life are taking it seriously. For instance, in Makati Avenue, prostitutes are now asking for at least two IDs from customers.

Intelligence reports say Islamic terrorists are targeting San Juan City. According to San Juan Rep. JV Ejercito “extra-precautions are now being implemented” in the area. The police have been supplied high-powered rifles, the residents have been told to be vigilant, and his mom, former actress Guia Gomez, now city mayor has been advised to act like one.

This just in: Malacanang has issued a travel advisory ahead of next week’s APEC Summit in Japan. The advisory bars Asst. Sec. Mai Mislang from taking the trip with the President.

Robredo Out Soon?
Earlier reports say President Aquino is removing Secretary Jesse Robredo from the Department of Interior and Local Government and appointing him as head of an agency tasked to oversee informal settlers – something that was so appropriate since Robredo has always been treated by the president as an informal settler at the DILG.

Less than 24 hours after being quoted as such, President Aquino denied that Secretary Robredo was on the way out… apparently because his “relocation site” has yet to be established.

Lozada Out of Nuns’ Care
NBN-ZTE deal whistleblower Rodolfo “Jun” Lozada Jr. is reportedly leaving the care of a group of nuns. Soon, Lozada will no longer be an informal settler.

Pacquiao’s Endorsement
US Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid whom Manny Pacquiao endorsed emerged victorious in the recently concluded US midterm elections. Observers say Pacquiao’s endorsement was a huge factor in Reid’s win although it also helped that the senator didn’t attempt to discredit his opponent by releasing manufactured psychiatric reports.

La Greta’s UndiesInterviewed on ANC, actress Gretchen Barretto explained that she would never ever wear cheap panties because she was “always ready.” She didn’t say though if she’s ready to explain why her lips are the only part of her face that move.
———————————————-
“I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, “Say something funny then.” I told them I had just graduated from flying school.”
~Ahmed Ahmed

Barranda Out, Fullido In
From a very reliable source: Model Phoemela Barranda who hosts the showbiz segment ‘Star Patrol’ on TV Patrol will be replaced by Gretchen Fullido starting Monday, November 8. Ouch!

Warning
Heard the latest rumor? The United States and Canada have both issued a travel advisory for its citizens in the Philippines. Americans and Canadians were advised not to travel to Zamboanga, Basilan, and the ABS-CBN basement parking.

Authorities are alarmed by the alleged kidnap try on the father of pop star Sarah Geronimo. If suspected criminals could get through ABS-CBN’s security, Malacanang is no longer safe.

But the incident involving Sarah Geronimo’s father wasn’t the first time someone was held against his will in the ABS-CBN compound. Somebody named Willie Revillame is still waiting to be released.

Quimbo and Facebook
Marikina City 2nd District Rep. Romero Federico Quimbo, has filed a resolution seeking to regulate the use of Facebook, Twitter, and other social networking sites in government offices. Exempted from the proposed measure are public information bureau personnel who need to disseminate information online, and Department of Agriculture employees who are addicted to Farmville.

A Houseful of Errors
Perhaps you’ve heard about this. For almost three weeks (or until last Tuesday), the Lower House’ official website posted the wrong information on Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao. The website indicated that Pacquiao’s ‘Age’ was 68 and his ‘Spouse’ was a certain “Elizabeth B. Salvacion.” Pacquiao was inclined to just ignore the two errors… but got pissed when he saw the posted info beside the word ‘Sex’ – “Sikrit! Pero last year pa. Sa Las Vigas.”

Credible Polls
The latest Pulse Asia survey showed that 7 of 10 Filipinos believed the May 10 elections were credible. The other three were Jamby Madrigal, JC De Los Reyes, and Nicanor Perlas.

Phone Addicts
According to a recent survey conducted by global research agency Synovate, 25 percent of Filipino youths in Metro Manila cannot live without a cellphone. The remaining 75 percent promised to attend the burial.

Special Report
Excerpts from the transcript of a telephone conversation between The Professional Heckler and Sen. Panfilo ‘Ping’ Lacson:

Communications Group
President Aquino’s much-ballyhooed Communications Group will have two leaders – broadcast journalist Ricky Carandang and columnist Herminio Coloma. In appointing two heads, the President hopes to clearly relay his message to the public; draw feedback from them, and silence the warring factions in his government.

SONA Leak
Some palace reporters believe somebody in Malacañang gave ABS-CBN an advance copy of President Aquino’s speech last Monday. According to the Inquirer, ABS-CBN’s Facebook account posted a copy of the President’s speech even before he could finish his SONA. In another news dismissed by ABS-CBN as totally irrelevant, Ricky Carandang and Ces Drilon have been voted as News & Public Affairs’ most beautiful couple.

SONA Leak II
Reports say a copy of President Aquino’s SONA was leaked to ABS-CBN last Monday… something that’s not surprising since ABS-CBN is a government station.

Three Spokesmen
The President will soon have three spokespersons: Herminio Coloma, Edwin Lacierda, and Ricky Carandang. One to create the message; another to fine-tune it, and a third to leak it.

THIS JUST IN! Unverified reports say the Communications Group will soon produce a TV show for President Noynoy Aquino. The program will be similar to Mrs. Arroyo’s “The Working President.” It will be called, “The Shooting President.”

NFA & Rice
Angelito Banayo, the new administrator of the National Food Authority said the agency’s recent inventory showed there are no rotten rice stocks in its warehouses. But another inventory showed there still are rotten officials left in NFA offices.

Pacquiao’s Speech
In his first privilege speech as a member of Congress, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao quoted a line from the Hollywood film “Spiderman,” ring announcer Michael Buffer, and American poet Robert Frost. And everyone agreed – his speech was more shocking than the president’s.

Pacquiao’s Speech II
In flawless English, Sarangani Rep. Manny Pacquiao delivered Tuesday his first ever privilege speech. Pacquiao was interrupted at least five times by applause, and thrice to look up a word in the dictionary.

Accurate Polls
According to random manual audit conducted by the National Statistics Office, results of the May 10 automated elections were 99.6 percent accurate, or as former senator Mar Roxas would insist, “It’s 0.4 percent wrong!”

Announcement
Are you a drug user who plans to travel abroad? Do you carry 26.1 grams of cocaine and two tablets of diazepam? Worry no more! NAIA security will never detectyou!

Rumors say some friends of Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson who is still languishing in a Hong Kong correctional facility want him to get treatment when he is released. Nope, not the type offered by NAIA; not special treatment.

Top 5 Sayings for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson

No. 5: Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay foil.

No. 4: Aanhin pa ang damo kung cocaine na ang uso

No. 3: Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ay addict!

No. 2: Ang lumalakad nang matulin, may ‘tinatagong cocaine

And the No 1. saying for Ilocos Sur Rep. Ronald Singson…

To err is human, to sniff is divine.

Makati Condo Problem
Do you still remember the gas leak at the West Tower condominium in Barangay Bangkal, Makati City? At press time, investigators have yet to identify the source of the leak… although Ricky Carandang is now a suspect.
————–“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”
~Epictetus

THE ARROYOS have reportedly left Malacañang. In fact, according to reports, the First Family has been cleaning out their closets in the palace for more than two months now. And they’d probably need another month or two to finish… considering the huge number of skeletons they keep in there.

The Arroyo family has reportedly left Malacañang last Sunday. First Gentleman Mike Arroyo said, “We are happy to leave Malacañang,” to which Malacañang replied, “The feeling is mutual.”

No. 4: “Hello! Si Mar ulit ‘to. This is my fourth call and you still refuse to answer! C’mon hon, let’s be sport, okay? Whether you like it or not, we will attend Noynoy’s inauguration together. Hon? Talk to me. Are you ther… Put*ng-i*aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, mali ang nai-dial ko!”

FG’s Book
Last Tuesday, outgoing First Gentleman Mike Arroyo launched his book titled “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. Go get a copy now. When you enter Powerbooks, it’s located near the section with a big sign that says, “People who bought this book also bought Ann Coulter’s “High Crimes and Misdemeanors.”

Outgoing First Gentleman Mike Arroyo launched a coffee table book called “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. The book has 10 chapters. One chapter was devoted to Mr. Arroyo’s answers to allegations of graft and corruption; the rest were devoted to the allegations of graft and corruption.

Mike Arroyo launched a book called “The First,” which includes all his answers to criticisms against him and his family. But I heard it’s selling poorly. The publisher attributes the poor sales to the opening line of the book. It says, “Back off.”
—————————-“We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions.”
~Ian Percy

The Who
TV show recently asked Aspen Oak: Are you ready to entertain suitors now? Aspen Oak’s answer was a categorical “No.” Unknown to the public though, Aspen Oak has been in a steady relationship with Sunflower Zinnia. The not-so-surprising twist? They’re both women – and moms. Aspen Oak used to be “friends” with has-been actress, Aster Anthurium. Sino sila? Itanong n’yo na lang sa halimaw sa banga!

Personal
Because we’re in it to win it.
Because we never doubted our team.
Because we, the loyal Los Angeles Lakers fans will always….