Simple baby shower turns into full-blown catastrophe

Dear Amy: I was asked (along with four other women) to help plan my friend “Kath’s” baby shower. When we first met up to discuss the baby shower, we talked about the normal, usual things like the theme, food, games – things like that.

Kath and her mother have turned what is supposed to be a simple, intimate event into a full-blown catastrophe.

As the planning progressed, the guest list grew to over 50 (some invitees even live in other states). There are centerpieces, favors for more than 50 people, music, catered food, and custom-made invitations and expensive decorations that can’t be found in a party store, but must be hand-crafted.

She has also asked, “Have the decorations, the favors, the centerpieces, the cake, the food, the beverages, the games, the game prizes etc., been made, ordered or purchased yet?”

The expense of all this has been passed along to everyone involved in the planning (except for the mother-to-be and her mother – who are the ones who want this extravagant affair).

On top of all that, the baby shower registry includes personal gifts for the mother-to-be that have nothing to do with the baby.

Of course, Kath’s mother will ultimately take credit for a baby shower she had very little to do with.

I think it is ridiculous to have such a huge, expensive baby shower and I’m not sure how I should tell my friend about the burden this has become.

– Feeling Stressed

Dear Stressed: You and your fellow members of the party planning committee need to grow backbones, have a secret meeting, agree on some actual and realistic limits, and come up with a script to communicate your plans to the two Showerzillas.

Use this as a template: “Hi, Kath’s Mom: We are excited about the upcoming shower. Here’s an update: The invitations have been sent. We are doing our best to hand-craft decorations. The venue is booked. Unfortunately, we have already run way beyond our budget, and so instead of catered food, we’ll be asking local friends to bring food and sweet treats to share.” Boom. Drop the mic and let it lie.

The reason people aren’t supposed to throw showers for themselves is because it is unseemly to host gift-giving occasions on one’s own behalf.

Kath and her mother shouldn’t be permitted to ramp up and assert total control and dominance over an event where they are not hosts, but guests. You and your gal friends are the hosts – you get to set the parameters.

Fortunately, relinquishing control, reining in disappointment and learning to embrace with gratitude the reality of what is already in front of you is ideal training for motherhood. This lesson might be the most valuable shower-gift Kath receives.

Dear Amy: This past Sunday my wife and two married daughters attended a bridal shower for my wife’s niece.

I was dumbfounded to learn that the three of them went in on a gift together.

I personally did not think that was appropriate, unless maybe they shared one meal between them at the venue.

I would be interested in your thoughts.

– Steve

Dear Steve: Generally, at a shower guests don’t worry so much about reciprocating for the cost of the party (although as showers have become ever-more elaborate, they have also become ever-more expensive).

I think a group gift from these family members sounds fine, depending on what it is.

If it was so expensive that no one person could have covered the cost, then it only makes sense to share it.

A sterling silver picture frame? Definitely. A set of dish towels? Not so much.

Dear Amy: “Upset” was a mother-in-law who mistakenly left her daughter-in-law out of a family photo after a vow renewal ceremony.

For seven years, (seven!), after my husband and I were married, I was always told to “step out” of his family’s photos: (“It’s a family-only photo, so can you just sit over there”).

Other in-laws were included, but I never was.

It was a second marriage for both of us and there may have been some disapproval involved but this was very hurtful to me.

Eventually, I was invited into the photos, but I used a favorite Barbara Bush zinger: “No thanks. I’m good.”

– Left Out

Dear Left Out: Dear Mrs. Bush was a zinger machine.

I love this one.

You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: ASKAMYamydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.