The best sex of your life

You can apply the AgileLeanLife principles to almost every aspect of life. To support this argument, let’s apply the principles to one quite unexpected area of life – sex. At the end of the day, it’s one of the most important areas of life, for men as well as women. The article will probably be a bit biased towards the male perspective, but overall I promise that there will be many new ideas for both genders.

If you’ve read any other article on this blog, you probably know that it’s not going to be as simple as rub her in this kind of way or stroke his pole in that kind of way if you want to experience the best sex of your life. You will have to invest much more than that. But trust me, it’s worth it. It’s the most divine experience you can have in life. Well, let’s get to the point and put principles to the test.

Love and respect

Let’s start with the AgileLeanLife principle of living life with love and respect. The best sex of your life probably won’t be a one-night stand but a divine love-making act with someone whom you truly deeply love and greatly respect. Love has two components: one is lust and the other is respect. We will discuss more about lust very soon, but now let’s say a word or two about love and respect.

Love = Lust + Respect

It’s very easy to know whether you respect someone or not. If you feel that you are dealing with someone who’s better than you deserve, then you respect that person. By adding lust to respect, you get love.

If you really love someone, you will be prepared to invest more, to try more and it will be natural to you to also think about the other person’s needs. You will think about how to make them super pleased and not only think about satisfying your own needs. With that kind of an approach, you are able to mix instinct rough energies with divine gentle ones and that is the important secret to the best sex of your life.

If there’s no real love, then everything is more screwing and less so having the best sex of your life. There is nothing wrong with it, you can have sex for fun and pleasure, but if you want to have the best sex of your life, you will first have to find someone that you are willing to get to know and develop deep love and respect for.

As I have said – develop deep love yourself, don’t wait for it to happen all by itself, like it’s shown in Hollywood movies. Nothing extraordinary happens by itself, you have to fight for it.

That is to say, you should never forget: the stronger the feelings, the better the sex.

Perfect fit – connecting on all four levels

That leads us to the second step, which is finding the perfect fit. You are never going to have the best sex of your life if you don’t find the perfect fit for you. You need to find someone that’s a perfect fit for you on all four levels – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.

As said before, you have to find someone who’s an obvious fit for you, but you should also know that there is no such thing as a perfect fit. You always have to build up relationships over time, and that’s also how your sex gets better and better while getting to know each other.

Physical fit

But let us now go to the physical level of matching. A fit on the physical level is quite simple and obvious to see. It’s about mutual lust.You can’t take your eyes away from her/him. You literally want eat her/him up. The fire starts in your belly or you can feel the butterflies. Your mind goes crazy and so on.

If there’s no lust, there’s no really good and passionate sex, even less so the best sex of your life. You shouldn’t make any compromises, you have to find someone that smells so good to you, who attracts you, someone who awakens the animal instinct in you.

Du riechst so gut.

Emotional fit

The second level is emotional. This one is a little bit trickier. The end goal is pretty clear, but how to get to the end goal varies from person to person. If you want to have the best sex of your life, you have to completely surrender. If you want to completely surrender, you have to uncompromisingly trust the other person and be trusted.

There are some very basic levels of trust, like trusting someone that they have no STDs, that they won’t brag in bars and on social networks, that they won’t put your pictures on the internet and so on. It’s the basic level of trust.

The next level is also quite common to all people. You have to know that your partner is honest, sincere, has no hidden agenda and isn’t doing everything just because of sex. You have to feel that the person will not betray you and will respect the relationship more than anything. You have to feel that something really good is happening on an emotional level. And as mentioned before, it must be mutual.

In order to really surrender to someone, you have to trust them completely. That is to say, there is one more level of trust that is not shared by all people, but rather means different things to different people.

And your job is to find out what you have to do to gain complete trust from your partner. I hope I don’t have to emphasize that you have to really be willing to do that to build up the relationship and not fake it or take advantage of the trust. In that case, you should stop reading this article.

The final level of trust comes from the sense of security, where you know that the person will act according to your expectations. While that may sound a little bit dull, it’s really not. We all have different expectations for our relationships and the more the expectations are aligned with actual behavior, the more we can trust the person (except when it comes to romantic and erotic surprises, as you will see). That may sound a little bit complicated, but it’s really not, so let’s look at a practical example.

As mentioned before, people have different values and expectations for relationships and respecting these values means building trust. Someone finds it important that you train together. Somebody else that you go to all family gatherings. For the third person it’s important that you don’t text with other people like crazy. For someone fourth, something completely different.

If you want complete trust, you have to find out what’s really important to your partner and then respect it and guard it with your life. Only then can someone completely surrender to you, based on complete trust.

An important part of this element is the so-called romance. It means paying attention to what your partner likes and putting in the effort to arouse positive emotions. Does your partner like food? Well take her to a restaurant. Does she like to travel? Well take her to an adventure. Does she like reading, buy her a new book. Does your boyfriend like sexy underwear? Surprise him. And so on.

As the relationship builds up, there is one big trap you can fall into. Building trust doesn’t mean becoming boring, dull and taking each other for granted. As mentioned before, you respect someone that feels a little bit out of your league, and consequently you are prepared to fight for them and put extra effort into the relationship. The moment that goes away, so goes away the best sex of your life.

The moment that you stop improving and putting effort into your relationship is also the moment when your sex starts getting worse and worse. The good news is that there is no top, there is always a move you can make, you can always improve your relationship and your sex life. You just have to be a challenge to your partner and your partner must be a challenge to you.

An important factor for getting to the best sex of your life is emotional security and connection. You achieve that with integrity and complete trust. Nevertheless, things must never be taken for granted.

You have to be a gentleman, show integrity and be honest, have no hidden agenda.

You have to put additional effort into romance and things that are important to your partner, since it’s an important part of your sex life and foreplay.

It all has to be a challenge both ways and you have to make sure that things never get boring, you have to be a little bit naughty and teasing and flirting and worth fighting for.

At the end, you have to trust each other so much that you are able to completely surrender to each other.

Again, the stronger the feelings, the better the sex.

Intellectual fit

The third level is intellectual. That is again quite an easy one. Sex begins way before the sexual act. Orgasm happens in the brain, not in the genitals (orgasm and ejaculation are different phenomena). If you want to have the best sex of your life, you need an intellectual connection with your partner. There are several reasons for that:

Trust: We’ve already talked about this one. You have to know what your partner values in the relationship, what is important to them and you have to show respect for these values. That brings trust and enables surrender from both sides. It must be a mutual effort, of course, and you achieve that with communication.

Humor: Humor is a very important part of life and shows an intellectual connection with someone. You will never have the best sex of your life if you can’t make the girl smile. On the other hand, smiling is an important confirmation for the guy that a sexual connection exists. The best sex of your life is based on animal instinct, complete trust, divine experience and being playful. Humor is one of the elements of being playful.

Building the tension: As I already mentioned, sex begins way before the actual sexual act. It begins by building the tension. Teasing, provoking, and boosting excitement. You do that with words. The more that your partner wants you, the stronger the tension you build up, the better sex you will have. There is no room for impatience and hurry when you want to have the best sex of your life.

Talking and communicating: The most stereotypical thing a person does after a one-night stand is to run away from the place as soon as possible. It represents the situation totally opposite of having the best sex of your life.

You have to be intellectually connected before, during and after having sex with your partner if you want to have a really divine experience. Besides having awesome sex, you also want to enjoy talking with your partner, having discussions, sharing opinions and so on. Good communication is the key to excellent relationships. In the same way, good communication leads to the best sex of your life.

Sharing likes: If you want to have the best sex of your life, you really have to trust your partner a lot and the communication must excel to the point where you’re not afraid to tell him or her what you like, what they’re doing correctly, what you don’t like and vice versa. Explaining to the male partner that you don’t like something can be quite painful to his ego, but not if he really loves and respects you, and understands that you’re getting to know each other and experimenting.

Spiritual fit

The last level is the spiritual level. This level is hard to tackle, since there are so many different beliefs about spirituality, religious as well as non-religious. I can state some assumptions, and then you can bend them to your own personal beliefs.

You are definitely going to have much better sex if you believe that destiny has brought you together with your partner. You will definitely have much better sex if you believe that you are doing something divine, spiritually connecting two souls. You are definitely going to have much better sex if you use tantric and tai chi techniques of love-making on a spiritual level.

Don’t get me wrong. There still has to be lust and animal instinct and hormones going crazy. But you can balance all that with positive emotions, playful energies and transform it into something divine by implementing the spiritual component.

As the famous quote goes: “It’s easy to take off all our clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams… Now that’s being naked.” The quote is not very far from the truth.

The better sex you want to have in life, the more empowering relationship you need, with the deepest trust and connection possible.

Being fit and leveling up your skills

Since we were just talking about finding the perfect fit, let’s stay with the word fit for a little bit longer. Being fit has a great influence on the quality of sex on the physical level.

I can’t say if it’s better to be fit and have no spiritual connection or to not be fit and have a spiritual connection. If I had to, I would lay my bet on the latter, but my perspective is closer to the fact that you need to have it all if you want to experience the best sex of your life.

I was extremely unfit ten years ago, while now, I am working hard on being fit and the difference is so big it’s hard to emphasize. Here are some of the most obvious reasons for taking care of your body and being fit:

Your body looks more attractive.

You feel much more self-confident.

Your muscles enable you to do new moves and poses.

You have more energy.

You last longer.

You have higher levels of testosterone and are thus manlier.

The list goes on and on.

I think the first step towards better sex in your life is to take better care of your body. On the other hand, when taking care of your health, you also have to watch out for libido levels for both genders and for testosterone killers for men.

Stress and fatigue are the two most obvious killers of libido. Alcohol, cigarettes, sugar, unhealthy fats, plastics as well. Not getting enough sleep also kills your libido and messes with your hormones.

It’s hard to avoid all these things, but you can get creative about it.

If your partner is stressed out, offer them a massage; when your partner is tired, agree on a power nap and then wake them up in a very pleasant way (if you know what I mean); have a drink together instead of eating unhealthy food; decide to exercise and then take shower together.

The good thing is that the more fit you are and the more you take care of your body, the better the influence you will have on your partner and all that will lead to better sex.

Getting fitter will definitely level up your skills. But there are many other ways how you can level up your skills. Watching porn is definitely not one of them. Bad sex is boring and routine sex. That’s exactly what is happening in porn movies.

Maybe they can be good for arousal from time to time, maybe they are a good tool for when you’re alone, but you will definitely not learn much from watching porn, since it’s all pretty much the same – get naked, suck, fuck in a few poses, finish. You’re watching approximately ten sex moves over and over again. And there are quite strong arguments for not watching porn at all.

The same ten moves over and over again? Come on. There are numerous more moves you can make, from longer and more intense foreplay, to moves during sex and new ways of achieving or leading your partner to the climax.

Educate yourself, read everything possible about sex, use your own creativity, watch YouTube videos with advice, ask opposite sex friends you trust, there are so many ways you can get new ideas to spice up your sex life.

If you need some concrete ideas, keep reading this article.

Anticipation, excitement, a little bit of uncertainty, but trust on the other hand, something new, completely investing yourself into the relationship, self-confidence, listening to the partner’s body responses, taking initiative and control, superior sex skills, strong foreplay way before touching the body, these are all the things that lead to the best sex of your life. Start reading about it, get some new ideas and level up your skills.

Self-confidence and dealing with shortcomings

An important principle of the AgileLeanLife is to believe in yourself. This means having strong self-confidence. Having strong self-confidence leads to the best sex of your life for several reasons.

You emit energies that demand respect. You project your high social status and thus gain respect; and as we’ve already said, love is lust plus respect. You present a challenge to the other person, which is always an important part of excitement and anticipation in your sex life. You are not afraid to try new things. You are not afraid to take the initiative and assume control if you are self-confident.

One of the biggest turn-offs is a lack of confidence. The biggest turn-off is being boring, bitching, whining and complaining, being a wussy. You build self-confidence by leveling up your game, developing skills, taking care of your body, with personal development and so on. Self-confidence is probably the most important ingredient that leads to the best sex of your life.

What lowers your self-confidence are, of course, shortcomings. There are shortcomings you can do something about and others where you have no power. For example, if you don’t feel good in your skin, you can do a lot by starting to exercise, grooming yourself and so on.

If you don’t last long enough in bed, you have many exercises that can help you with that, like Kegel exercises. There are remedies for many problems and you can find them very easily on the internet and in different books, or even at the doctor’s office if the troubles are more serious.

A whole different challenge for these kinds of shortcomings is of course practicing and actually doing the exercises, but at the end of the day, you yourself will have to decide whether it’s worth it or not.

Then of course there are those shortcomings that you can’t do anything about or you would have to take very extreme measures if you wanted to do something. The most obvious ones are the size of the penis or breasts, but there are many others.

The worst thing that can happen to you is that shortcomings eat at your self-confidence. You shouldn’t let that happen, even it’s really hard to do. What you want to do is develop your personal style that leaves a really good impression. Same as in art, your personal style usually comes from your limitations, not your strengths. Your personal style is the result of working around the shortcomings you have, engaging all other skills that you possess and can develop.

Same as in art, your personal style in bed usually comes from your limitations, not your strengths.

I hope you know what I mean, but let me give you an example. On the internet and in books, you can find many confessions from women about how an extraordinarily big tool can’t compete with superior love-making skills, tongue art and knowing how to use the tool.

Engage all your advantages and develop your personal style to overcome your shortcomings, no matter what they are, no matter what part of your body you are not satisfied with.

If you want to have extraordinary sex, you will need to have an extraordinary approach to the whole thing. If you want to have extraordinary sex, you have to extraordinarily believe in yourself. Never forget that doubt kills more dreams than failureor shortcomings ever will; even in sex life.

Experiment

The foundation of the AgileLeanLife are experiments. Via experiments, you are learning about yourself and your environment, in this case about your partner. There are things that your partner knows they like and there are things they don’t even know they like or dislike, because they have never experienced them.

With trust you will get some insights and ideas into what to do and what are the things your partner knows they like.

But the real pleasure and the dream sex of your life lies in the moves that your partner doesn’t even know they like. A prerequisite to achieve that is to level up your sex skills. Based on the Pareto principle, 80 % of the people are doing the same 20 % of moves all the time. And most of them, you can of course see in porn, just not as extreme.

Thus learning new moves and leveling up your game opens a whole new world to your and your partner’s pleasure. Even small things can matter and make all the difference. If you are feeling a little bit lost, let me give you a very concrete example.

In porn movies you can usually only see one standard move during the sex act. In and out. Maybe there is some variety in speed. But so much more exists. You can move in the figure of eight, you can combine deep and shallow moves, you have poses where you can use your fingers during sex, you have different angles you can try etc. There is one combination that will drive your partner crazy and you should find it.

It goes the same for oral sex. In porn movies, you can see more or less the same thing. But again, there are so many more moves. Varying speed, combinations with fingers, stimulating other areas, using different tricks. Again, there is one combination that drives your partner totally crazy. Start reading books and get some fresh ideas for what you can try.

One obvious way to experiment that’s also often seen in porn movies is the location. Changing the location can definitely lead to better sex, but you want to make sure that that environment supports you and doesn’t kill the flow. Taking care of a romantic environment can have a big positive influence on the mood. You can spice it up with candles and find some other elements that make the experience more exciting.

Same goes for sex toys and other tools. You have to know yourself, you have to know what you like and you have to know what your partner likes and always try new things. Having an open mind and loosening up definitely helps you have the best sex of your life. If your partner is not that open-minded, it’s probably more about trust, insecurity issues or maybe other differing beliefs. Again, communication, communication and even more communication is the key.

There is an animal in all of us. You just have to know how to lure it out.

It’s also very important that experimenting be done with extreme care. You have to do it gently, you have to do it slowly and you have to be fully alert for the feedback that you are getting from your partner’s body. You also have to be flexible and modest and not have ego problems at all.

If something doesn’t work, stop it. You have to be aware that something that’s pleasurable for one person, can be a total turn-off for somebody else. When experimenting, you have to find out what brings most pleasure to your partner, but you have to do it with enough care and attention.

Something that’s pleasurable for one person, can be a total turn-off for somebody else.

As mentioned several times before, relationships (right person) are always more important work and tasks (having sex) in the AgileLean Lifestyle. You can level up your game, you can do better work, it will lead to better sex, but if you want to have the best sex of your life, you must do it with the right person and use the right energies on all four levels. Nevertheless, you have to cultivate a rich fantasy life and be very creative. Combining that with the right person is what leads to the best sex of your life.

And one more thing. Don’t try too many things at once. If you do that, you won’t get any real feedback and your sex can simply turn into a nightmare. Try one thing at a time.

Visualize when and how you will make a new move. Think it through. But when you’re in the act itself, be as spontaneous as possible. It’s more art than science. You will know when the right time to try something new comes. Don’t rush. No hurry. It’s a divine experience, not a race.

Nevertheless, there is always a way to improve yourself and skill up your game. The journey of improvement never ends. There is always room for improvement, there is always a way to do it better. Just don’t forget that it’s easy to be different, but it’s hard to be different and better. Thus when exploring new moves and testing new things, you’re probably already different by default, but you also need to find a way to be better.

It’s easy to be different, but it’s hard to be different and better.

Reflecting, being in the flow and executing

To have the best sex of your life, you have to be totally present in the moment, you have to surrender yourself to the relationship and be in the divine flow.

Well, that isn’t that simple, since today, you have distractions everywhere. To be more exact: you have distractions that are building up the excitement and tension, and (negative) distractions that are a total turn-off.

The most common positive distractions are listening to different types of music, doing it in different kinds of places, exposing yourself to a level you feel comfortable with – like the possibility of getting caught, filming yourself, roleplaying and so on. Testing, trying new things, being mindful of feedback and talking about it leads to exploring new common likes. Trying new things wipes the routine out of sex life.

But there are some distractions that get you out of the flow and are total turn-offs. That kind of distractions are distractions that clearly show that you are not as present in the act as you should be. That is the biggest killer of good sex. Here are a few examples.

If you want to avoid doing that kind of stupid things, you have to be present, you have to be in the flow and you have to execute every part of the act with care and attention. As mentioned before, it’s a combination of art and science, but even more so a combination of lust and respect, meaning love.

Doing some self-reflection can also lead to learning and improving skills. Knowing where you have taken the wrong turn and what you did well, what you have learned, what new things you have tried and whether they worked or not and so on, those are all the things that will help you improve in the long term – your skills, your relationship, your sex life. The good thing is that it will also arouse you and encourage you to get back in the action as soon as possible.

Optimize the whole act, not only sex

If you want to have the best sex of your life, you have to optimize the whole act, not only the sex itself. There must be no “buts”. As you have figured out, the formula for the best sex of your life is making effort to pleasure your partner and vice versa will happen (at the end the effort should be 1:1, otherwise you won't have the best sex of your life).

If you start putting in the extra effort and take that one step further, it will also encourage your partner to make more effort and invest more of themselves into the relationship and your sex life (if they don't respect or lust are missing). While doing that, you shouldn’t let any “buts” happen. Let’s see what I have in mind.

The sex was really great, but the foreplay was kind of boring. The sexual act is composed of foreplay before you even see each other, foreplay when you start interacting with each other, the sexual act itself and the post-coital activities. You want to optimize the whole process, make the event as memorable as possible. It’s not about the final event (orgasm), but about the whole process.

You want to develop your personal style throughout the whole process, not just for some parts of the game. You want to deliver your best and level up your game in all phases. That is how you get to the sex of your life, for you and your partner.

Timing and staying flexible

The main reason why AgileLeanLife principles exist is that plans don’t work anymore. They probably never did, but today they are even less efficient than before. As Mike Tyson said: “Plans are great until you receive the first punch to the face.” It’s pretty much the same with sex. That’s why you have to stay as flexible as possible and moreover, you need to get the timing just right.

You can make the perfect plan of how your night should unwind, but the reality is usually very different. You can plan the perfect night, but maybe your spouse will have a bad day or something else will happen.

Your end goal must not be to have sex, but to connect with your partner, support them, understand them, make them feel good, talk with them and everything else we’ve talked about. Being and doing all that should naturally lead to sex, with willingness on both sides. Don’t get me wrong, bad sex life definitely also ruins relationships, but you have to stay flexible as to when and how you cultivate sexual energy. I think this article already gave you many ideas how.

Over time, things can get more boring or much more exciting in a relationship, it’s your decision to make. It’s only a question of how much effort are you willing to make for the relationship to work.

The formula is pretty simple: what women usually start missing in a relationship is romance, attention, tenderness and emotional excitement. On the other hand, men start missing sexiness, naughtiness and a challenge. You have to cultivate all these in a relationship and over time, sex only gets better and better. That is how you don’t have the best sex of your life only once in a lifetime but over and over again.

And now I am out of other good ideas.

Conclusion

This article is one big exception, as I am not very comfortable when writing about personal and intimate topics. The goal of this article was to show you that you can apply the AgileLeanLife principles to many areas of your life and you will be astonished about the superiority of the results that you’ll get.

Nevertheless, I hope you’ve gotten some ideas on how to get to the best sex of your life, over and over again. If you have any questions, I don’t have the answers, but the internet can definitely help you. :)

About The Author

Blaz Kos writes about data-driven personal development at AgileLeanLife.com. Blaz Kos helps people shape superior life strategies by: (1) employing the best business practices in personal life management, (2) teaching established psychological techniques to better manage mind and emotions, and (3) setting goals based on understanding market paradigms, the quantified self, and following cold hardcore metrics that prevent any fake feeling of progress. He is obsessively passionate about hi-tech, mass media, personal development and making the world a better place.