Sometimes "news" really just means "a conflagration of bizarre, seemingly-unrelated events that would seem more appropriate in a P.T. Anderson movie than they do in actual life," and this is one of those times. A woman went into the late stages of labor on a park bench in New York, and the paramedics were already on the scene when TMZ caught Jonah Hill, of all people, meandering, stupefied, up to the bench to get a picture of the afterbirth.

When the paparazzi called out Hill and girlfriend Alexandra Hoffman (Dustin's daughter and Hill's girlfriend), he fled, abashed. Judging by Hill's later tweet, he was there for most of the birthing process before the ambulance arrived:

Craziest thing I've ever seen. A woman gave birth next to me in a park. I took a picture of the placenta and TMZ caught me. Embarrassing.

Mariah Carey will be teaming up with OPI for the creation of three nail polishes. [NYDN]

Brandon Routh is a new dad to baby Leo James, and calls his wife Courtney Ford "a rockstar." Aw. [People]

Real Housewives of New Jersey's "Juicy" Joe Giudice is a horrible, abusive gross-out shaped like a human being. (Barely.) [People]

Macaulay Culkin was spotted looking better in New York after rumors of his heroin addiction. [TMZ]

Nicole Scherzinger is reportedly blowing her entire X-Factor paycheck on keeping philandering boyfriend Lewis Hamilton in the lifestyle to which he's become accustomed. [Metro.co.uk]

"I love babies, love working with babies, I appreciate them for being babies, and I do not want one for myself. I really like the way my life is now." —Christina Hendricks, Mad Men actress, president of the Baby Appreciation Society. [Express.co.uk]

George Clooney's lady Stacy Keibler is going to be the host of a new reality competition for inventors. [Express.co.uk]

Looks like Blake Fielder-Civil's showing signs of improvement since he fell into a drugs-and-alcohol-induced coma. [NME]

Every single part of Meryl Streep gossiping with Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live is freaking amazing, but my favorite parts are the one where she says that Tom Cruise smells "like nothing." [Buzzfeed]