Bush Makes Transparent Promise That 2004 Election Will Be Transparent

In a press conference today, President Bush guaranteed Americans that the 2004 election would be "honest, fair and open" as he vigorously fought a proposal to allow UN observers to monitor the November 2nd voting process, which first surfaced a little over a month ago in a letter, written by nine lawmakers from the House of Representatives, to UN Secretary General Kofi Annan.

Citing no supportive data from previous elections nor providing any evidence that a less transparent voting process in 2004 than 2000 was likely, Bush reassured the American public that no votes will be tampered with or miscounted by telling them repeatedly, "I promise."

Bush has also promised his constituents that he would emerge victorious in the coming election.

Demands by organizations, such as the ACLU, that technologically advanced and accurate voting devices be equipped with the capacity to print receipts have fallen on deaf ears as Bush continued to fight the proposal that anyone not on the GOP’s payroll or sent from the United Nations be involved in monitoring the Presidential Election.

"The presence of UN observers could sway the vote and discredit our democratic process by insisting that the democratic process be upheld," he explained. "It is utterly important to the our free, democratic, freedom-loving, bald eagle of pride society that voting be monitored by the systems put into place by the U.S. Constitution and Dick Cheney, not an outdated multinational organization."

Citing the right to Free Enterprise as a basic pillar of American life, Bush and others in his cabinet have insisted that new voting machines be manufactured and maintained by corporations with deep-running ties to the Republican party, and not by a bureaucratic and bi-partisan-selected organization or independent firm.

"I hear that Diebold has been working on a great new machine that not only accurately counts votes, but makes cappuccino and grills hot dogs while the voter chooses the Republican that will win or which Democrat they will throw their vote away on," announced Vice-President Dick Cheney at a fund raiser in Cleveland, Ohio, a key state in the coming election. "If that's not a damn good voting machine from a damn good company, I don't know what is."

When asked if the machine will be able to provide paper records of electronic votes in addition to the added functionality of providing food and beverages, Cheney chuckled.

"What do you think this is, the futuristic world of the Jetsons?" he asked sarcastically. "Sure, the machine can 'print out' a record of your vote! After that, you can take a hovercar to the Astro Burger and watch a Hologram Movie!"

"Besides," Cheney reasoned, "we all know what Dennis Kucinich did to this town back in the 70’s, so we’re going to make it easy on everyone by assuming that no one would vote for the likes of him or his party in the first place – am I right?"

He was answered by cheers and rallying cries in the mostly-if-not-entirely Republican audience in attendance, causing him to nod in satisfaction and say, "I thought so. America agrees with me."

Meanwhile, reports indicate that Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge has begun preparations to clear the way for the postponement of the 2004 elections to give the nation more time to fear a "significant and credible terrorist threat" for another an extra month or two before casting its vote, a plan that has drawn sharp criticism from both Democrats and Republicans.

"We are considering the postponement or outright cancellation of the November election," Bush admitted at the conference, "but – trust us – it would only be for everyone’s own good."

According to President Bush’s cabinet, postponement could last until the threat of terrorists swaying the vote is no longer a viable possibility, which, in their most optimistic estimate, could take until around November of 2008.

When challenged by Senator Corrine Brown (D, FL) that such action would be the death of Democracy in American politics, President Bush replied, "I have no problem with Democracy, I just have a problem with Democrats."