From Mike

A great many people expressed worry and concern for me since reading Heather’s post, “Pieces,” so I decided to write a quick explanation of what happened to me.

Last Thursday I went back to work for the first time since Maddie passed. In the back of my mind I feared it was too soon, but I had heard about people in similar situations who had gone back to work after four or five weeks so I thought I could to. Also my company, boss, and co-workers have been so amazing and would (and did indeed) try to welcome me back as kindly as possible. Unfortunately, on the drive over I was gripped by anxiety and couldn’t stop thinking about Maddie.

Upon arriving at my job (forty-five minutes from our home) I was a weeping mess. I looked up at my building and couldn’t summon the strength to go in, so I called my Dad. I spoke with him on the phone for close to two hours until my cell phone died. I considered driving home right then, but instead went inside.

After about an hour of work I went to lunch with some co-workers and made the stupid decision to have a couple margaritas. This only plummeted me into a deeper depression, so after lunch I told everyone I was going to go home. The forty-five minute drive home was terrible and my mood spiraled lower and lower. I’m sure other drivers were weirded out to see me screaming, weeping, and punching the dashboard.

Once at home I made another stupid decision – to continue drinking. Soon I had ingested way more rum than any human ever should. Unnerved by what I’d done, I called my parents and asked them to come over. Upon arriving they found me in a terrible state, and shortly thereafter, when Heather and her Mom returned from running errands, the four of them decided it would be best to take me to the emergency room.

I don’t remember much that happened at the emergency room, but apparently I told numerous doctors and nurses that I wanted to die. That folks, is something you should NEVER DO in public. Trust me on this. In my case it got me transferred upstairs to the psychiatric ward where, for the next five days, I had to eat steak with a plastic spoon, shave with the bathroom door open and a nurse standing guard, and to live in close quarters with an assortment of the saddest, most mentally ill people you could ever imagine.

The hardest thing was that, in order to be discharged, I had to prove to doctors and nurses that I wasn’t a threat to myself or others, and every minute there I was judged on my sanity. The nurses wrote down how I interacted with my fellow patients, how much of the food I ate, what I said in group meetings, you name it. Often I couldn’t help but cry when I thought of Madeline, but I quickly wiped my tears in fear that this might make the nurses or doctors think I truly was suicidal. It was frightening. I started to think of movies like “Girl, Interrupted” where the main character gets locked away far longer than they deserve to be, but nothing they can say or do can convince the powers that be to let them go.

In the end I was finally let out today. It was a harrowing ordeal and I am very glad to be home, but I am trying to focus on the positive aspects of all of this. I participated in a number of therapy groups – some that helped me discuss my grief in ways I hadn’t before, and others that taught me how drinking isn’t a healthy way to address Maddie’s death.

Starting today I am going to focus on doing absolutely everything I can to put my life together and figure out how Heather and I can make a life for ourselves after our sweet Maddie’s passing.

Mike, you and heather are in my constant thoughts and prayers, we are only human and with human emotions we all break down from time to time. I can not imagine the pain you and your family is going through but remember their are so many people out there who love you all, and a community that loves your family and maddie so very much.

Wow. I’m glad you shared that with us because yes, we’re all concerned about you. I know a little bit about psych wards so I am a little horrified that you had to go through that. But if, in the end, you come out with the chance to address that grief and hopefully some tools to cope with it, that’s a good thing. Be well, friend.

Kristen says:

My Dad’s Dad has been dealing with rapidly advancing dementia, so I had the pleasure of spending a week or so with him in one of those psychiatric hospitals. I know how scary and unnerving they are. The point is, Mike, you survived it. And both of you – BOTH OF YOU – though you will never be the same kind of whole again, you will survive Maddie’s passing as well.

Do not carry shame. Do not carry guilt. Do not carry judgement. Love yourselves as you love one another, be your own best friends, and time will carry you to a place where the pain can’t ruin everything all over again.

You are in my heart, embraced in my love, and have me to call on any time of the day or night.

Oh geez. I can so totally see myself in your shoes. Or anyone else that is dealing with this crap. Even though I know the loss of a child and a spouse are TOTALLY different…our pain is our own, no law, no creed, no person except the one walking our trail can get it.

Why do they want to exclude us or make us feel different and wrong?? Or that our grief is not important?? It’s all we have left…..

I am drinking too, not to the point of worry, but I can see it’s bright light’s beckoning. And it seems to get more frequent every night. Like it will erase this pain. But I end up feeling worse after….not from the hangover, but from knowing that it was just a temporary crutch. But I’m probably lying to myself about that…..two bottles a night?? Just me?? I think that’s a problem…

I wish I could tell you and Heather that we are gonna get through all of this just fine, but I don’t know.

All I know is that I am thankful that yall are here, yall are my new family in grief and in life, and I am thankful to have yall and many others on this new and crappy life path.

Hang in there Mike. I’m not gonna tell you that it get’s better…..cause I dunno if it does. I just know that we are all not trudging this trail totally alone, even though sometimes it feel’s like you’re slipping off the edge.

Melissa says:

Kate in NZ says:

Mike, you’re amazing. Thank you for being so frank, and allowing us to share – just the tiniest bit, I know – your pain. I do so hope the messages here and good wishes of us all bring you and Heather and your families some measure of comfort.

Barbee says:

That was amazingly honest, and masterfully written. To be able to share and express your thoughts so clearly, with such heart, is a real gift. Thank you for expressing such brutal feelings at a horrible time in your life. You are my hero. I have no words to bring you comfort, but my thoughts are with you, Heather, and of course, dear Maddie.

Dina says:

thanks you again for sharing your experience with the many people who are keeping your family in our thoughts. i think that it was normal – in such a circumstance – to let yourself go in such a way. it’s great that you had some intense mental healing time. there is nothing shameful about it at all. (my husband is a psychiatrist and you wouldn’t believe the broad range of people that come through. we’re all human…)

i am wishing you and heather a beautiful life together. your sweet, lovely maddie will never ever be forgotten.

I found you two through Matt Logelin’s website. I know my coworkers and friends wonder why I keep reading your blogs, they often find me weeping at my computer in our shared office. I think they think that it’s like a car wreck where you don’t want to look but the muscles in your neck won’t let you turn away.

But I know why I read it. When I had children I was gripped with fear that I had made a terrible mistake because there is EVIL in this world. I couldn’t watch TV anymore because the news was horrific (even though I know they skew it that way deliberately…but still…isn’t ignorance bliss?). Then I started reading your blogs and realized that there is goodness and honesty and strong people in this world who have suffered beyond all possibilities….and even when they falter they keep going.

Please keep loving each other. We all have to fall down to learn to crawl and walk and while you may be crawling now….let us perfect strangers, friends all shoulder some of your pain. While it won’t go away maybe we can lighten the load.

jeffra says:

Mike, I can only imagine how fearful you were. I am a therapist on a unit much like you were at, here in Fresno. I am one of “those people watching and making the decision to release” patients. Any information or resources that you need me to help you obtain, please don’t hesitate to ask! Had I known, I would have tried to quell your fears…trust me…the state has no money to keep even the most mentally ill in the hospital very long, much less an average guy dealing with very intense grief. It is very sad. A typical stay is 3-5 days, and actually the best thing you did was show your emotions and begin to process your grief for the treatment team to see. That shows us that you are connecting with your emotions in a healthy way which is the best way to “get out quickly”. SSHHHH, don’t tell anyone. I do hope that your experience, perspective and treatment you received continues to help you on your healing path. FYI, most of our patients end up at our unit much the same way…Alcohol or drugs which influence them to say they are suicidal. I hope they discharged you with local resources, including an outpatient grief and loss group you can attend. I think you and Heather would both benefit. Remember…you are normal people going through an extremely abnormal event! That in no way makes you mentally ill, but you knew that! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I’m sure you’ll hear this a million times this year, but you’re not alone. I once felt that bad about events that happened in my life. I remember feeling so terribly bad that I wanted to pull off the road and crash into something. It wasn’t at all that I had a death wish. I just wanted to feel the impact. I wanted to feel hurt in some other way. I wanted to know that something else could hurt worse than this (what I was going through). Deep down, I just wanted to make sure I could still feel anything else at all. I actually passed by some cops hanging out in a parking lot. I turned around and pulled up next to them. I could tell they were nervous that I approached them (especially considering I looked like a hot mess with mascara all down my face and eyes all puffy and bloodshot from crying). I explained with words I’ll never remember that I wasn’t feeling good and I needed to be taken to the hospital. I told them my heart hurt. Then, I had a panic attack right in front of them and they called the ambulance (thinking I was having a heart attack). I told the EMT guys everything. I just wanted someone to listen to me. They wrote it all down. When the hospital docs got my charts, they quickly loaded me back up into the ambulance and hauled me down the road a little bit to the psychiatric hospital and checked me in. I kept telling them I didn’t want to kill myself, and they kept me anyway just because I wanted to hurt myself (by crashing). I then had to call my mother (I still lived with her and knew she’d be worried I wasn’t coming home) and she desperately wanted to come and pick me up. They wouldn’t let her. In fact, when she showed up, they wouldn’t even tell her I was there even though I had called her from there.

I spent a few days there in the same conditions you did. I was glad to finally have someone to talk to, but I definitely didn’t think I was anywhere near the condition others were that were also staying there. The day I got out was the day I really focused on LIFE. The events that happened prior to that day were terrible, but I survived going through that (even if I never completely got over it). From then on it wasn’t about pleasing everyone or trying to feel something I didn’t. If I was happy, I was happy. If I was sad, I took time to be sad. It was all about taking it one day at a time and making the most of it. I embraced my inner crybaby and held tight to prayer – even if some nights I prayed myself to sleep. I don’t even think I knew what I was praying for half the time. I just talked. God just listened.

There are so many people praying for you right now that you wouldn’t even need introductions with God at this point. Just speak.

Mike – that honestly sounds like a script for a movie. How absolutely harrowing for that to happen to you – I had to read it twice. I can’t even imagine how Heather was coping with all of that on top of what you guys have been through already. God I am feeling for you both everyday. I feel sick with your pain. Hang in there and like you said in the last par …. focus on how you guys can restore your lives. Hugs, kisses and more hugs.

I got a nice up close and personal view of someone who tried to drink their way through grief for ten years. It doesn’t work. It just spreads the grief to those around you. And when and if you come back, the grief is still there.

But you probably know that. You just called yourself out in a big way. Keep believing in yourself. Keep being the dad that Maddie loved.

I am so sorry that you had to go through this on top of everything. I understand that they thought they were doing what was best for you, but grief makes you say things you don’t mean. I would never for a second believe that you would try to take your own life, but understand the thought processes that made you say that.

Time will pass, as will some of the raw pain you are feeling. I hope that both of you are feeling some of the love that is surrounding you from all over the world.

Oh Mike, I was so shocked when I read your words – in awe of your raw and real telling, your amazing strength. Do you know how much strength it takes to admit you aren’t strong? A LOT.

I recently emailed Heather, a big fat email. I have ‘known’ of you since Maddie was born, I’m an Aussie blogger who is friends with Maya from Gemini Girl.

I am sending you all love, and light, and me reading both of your blogs and shedding tears … can hopefully, in some small way, help to ease your pain and heavy heavy hearts.

I’m a recovering alcoholic and drug addict … I have been locked up in a few psych wards in my time. They are not pleasant. I remember walking up to a nurse, saying ..”But .. but I don’t need to be here.” And she just nodded, and I was freaked.

There is no shame in falling apart, none.

If I could change the world for you, I would. In a heartbeat. Maddie is amazing. You are amazing. It is all so very unfair, I have shed so many tears for you and Heather. Perfect, beautiful strangers you are.

I will only stop holding you in my love and thoughts when you want me to stop, and not a moment sooner.

Mike, your honesty and frankness about the past several days brings tears to my eyes. One particular sentence broke my heart- where you talked about pushing away tears so the nurses didn’t think you wanted to harm yourself. I know you realize this, but I just want to state for the record: cry. Let it all out and don’t for a second feel ashamed or like you should hold it in. Praying for both you and Heather on this journey of healing… I wish there was more we could all do, but please know you have so many people on your side.

Mike I did the same thing when my daughter died last August. There was no alcohol involved, but I did end up in an emergency ward telling the nurses I wanted to die. For me, and perhaps for you too, it wasn’t a case of wanting to kill myself, I could not and would not ever do that, but I wanted to die. I wanted something or someone to free me from the pain. I wanted it to end, I just didn’t want to end it myself. I know it is subtle, but that’s how it was. I did not end up in a psych ward, and I realise now how lucky I am, as my husband is a nurse and he just cringed when he heard me say those words because he knew how the nurses would react, but they did keep me in emerg a bit longer than they would otherwise, and did mark my file in thick red pen. I’m asked about it each time I step in the hospital now. I guess they are keeping a watch on me, even though I always assure them I am not a danger to myself, or anyone.
There are a lot of people out here willing to offer you guys support. I hope you can find some comfort and solace in our words. It is pouring in from all corners of the globe, and this little piece of love is coming to you from Melbourne, Australia.

Mike, you’re resiliency from this past week’s experience is the beginning, glimmer of light. As you said, some strong positive aspects came from the experience.
You are blessed to have each other. You are making progress in increments. You can do it. You are doing it.

Annalien says:

My heart is so sore about what both of you are going through. Have you (both) considered continuing with therapy/counseling? It might help you see the road ahead a little better. My prayers are with you.

This is truly a horror story Mike… Just like the horror story of Maddie passing away.
How can they take the grief for a baby in such a way?
You and Heather did not need this on top of all that happened over the last weeks.
I do hope that you two can mourn together, and take all the time you need to do this.
Grief has no time limit. Don’t let anybody tell you that it is “time to”.
How I wished that I could magically all turn it back to good.
You and Heather have some serious bruises on your souls, take care of them. And forget about going back to “normal”, right now, there is no normal for you two. It’s cave time!
Roll up in a little ball in your nest at home, and think about Maddie, yourself and Heather.

good for you for deciding to make some changes in your response to the terrible tragedy of losing maddie. realizing you and heather must refocus and find a way to live this life without your darling maddie is a big challenge but a necessary one. i am so glad you found some relief in the groups you attended and in sharing your feelings openly. i hope you and heather will find a support group which might bring you both strength. sending so many good wishes your way.

Debbie in Memphis says:

I hurt for both of you….I hurt every day. I cannot even imagine how much pain the both of you are feeling, but I know your little Madeline will help guide you through this. That, and the love of all your friends around the world who care for you so so much.

Sometimes the help you need the most, is the hardest to find. While it must have the last thing you needed, I can just imagine Heather wondering what the heck had happened to her life all over again as she had to leave you there; this could turn out to be a blessing in disguise. That Mike has been able to get a little bit of grief out to others in group sessions and to professionals that will register that your life is crap since Maddie passed, not to mention turned upside down irretrievably, and who will hopefully offer you both help. That you both are able to reach out and say ‘We can’t do this on our own’ while so many people don’t acknowledge the hurt and pain, thinking that to lean on people is to admit weakness.

I am going to light my candle to Maddie now, but will also light it for you two as well tonight. Much love, Maddie

I have to say that made me laugh. The part about Girl, Interrupted that is. I’ve also have been admitted to the psychiatric ward of a hospital, definitely not fun. They wanted me to express my emotions, yet if I did my stay was extended. Hmmm, ironic? Anyhoo, on the drive there all I thought about was if the people there were going to bark at me… I was terrified, I had no idea what to expect.

Kira says:

Mike – thanks for writing. My heart really went out to you particularly after Heather’s last post. After my son Findlay died I drank far too much at a family function and made a complete ass of myself. I also know what it is like to be filled with despair. You and Heather with the help of others (friends, family, professionals) will work with all this grief. It is hard road but lots of people walk along side you both.

What an awful experience. I hope that you are okay. I’m not sure that I would know where to turn either. Where to go to find just s few minutes of peace, normalicy, comfort. Drinking to relieve depression, stress, and anxiety never really works. The first two drinks bring that wave of warmth and almost a sence of relief, and then it is nothing but enhanced anger and crying jags by drink number 3 and on. Isn’t it funny though that for many of us (myself included) when stressed or anxiosus we turn to a glass of wine of a drink to help calm us. That never works for me either I am the Happy drunk to crying jag in 4 drinks girl. I am glad to hear that you are physicaly okay though and have decided that maybe the sauce will not be as useful in dealing with your feelings as you had thought it might be. I think of you Maddie, and Heather every day. When I wake Up I think about your loss and when I go to bed I pray form some comfort for you. Please be well.

Kristen McD says:

I am trying to write something to make this better. I dont have any words. Only that I think of you guys all the time. Like one commentor has said, you guys are now my family in grief. And you guys will be my family in happiness and health too.

Katie says:

I can only imagine who frightening that experience was for you because I have had it happen to me…only, I had actually overdosed and attempted suicide. Sometimes it feels like the only way and then faced with a situation like being locked in a psych ward makes you see things differently. I’ve been in twice and it was two of the scariest experiences I had ever had. I had PTSD before I went in and more complext PTSD when I left. Truly terrifying. However, it got me some help. As much as I hate to admit that.

It sounds like you also have PTSD, understandably. It also sounds like grief counseling might help you both, you know? I don’t think you ever get through the death of a child unscathed for life. I can’t imagine how you would. I believe it has to be the single worst thing that could ever happen to a human being — to lose a child. Just imagining it sends me into an anxiety attack.

Please try to take care of yourself. Maybe later down the road your grief will be channled differently, but try not to beat yourself up for the way you are handling things now. You and Heather are doing the best you can and each new day may bring new experiences…some good, some bad. You’ll handle each one as it comes and perhaps this is the way you need to deal with it for right now.

kristen says:

mike – it sounds like you are trying to pull out any of the “good things” (therapy and grief counseling) that might have come out of this hospital stay and then move forward with your lovely wife…i am in awe of your courage, grace, and strength.

you and heather are loved like never before by so many around the world…and i think this is derived from maddie’s ability to make people realize that life is about laughter, showing affection, cultivating curiosity, and expressing love. i wish more than anything she was there with you now. and i wish you a better day today.
xxoo,
kristen

That was a scary road to travel on…I can’t even imagine. I’m glad that you’re home with Heather. There’s no schedule of time for you to be back together again–no time table to follow. I’m sure it’s hard to know what to do, what will work and what won’t, but I guess if you have a sense that you’re not ready for something, well, you know yourself better than anyone and you should do what feels right. Do what you NEED. I, like so many others am thinking of you every day–pulling for you, praying for you, and wishing I could somehow hold some of this burden for both of you. Hugs to you both.

Personally, I would find it strange if you didn’t have some suicidal thoughts at this point. This has been the worst period in both of your lives so far and Maddie’s death has impacted you both in so many ways. You both need to see someone regularly to learn to deal with your grief and to attempt to move forward.

I hope that what holds you both together is the thought that neither of you can afford to lose another love of your life. You need each other more now than you ever have before.

You are an amazing man and have an amazing wife. Of course, I don’t have to tell you that your daughter was truly amazing. Your honesty is what will help your healing in the long run. Keep reaching out to those who love you, even when you feel it – you are not alone. You have so many people close to you that love you. Hang on. Sending (stranger) hugs and prayers to you and Heather …

Beret says:

You and Heather have been in my thoughts every single day since Maddie died. I pray for you both everyday (and I’m not the praying type). You have wonderful people surrounding you both, thank goodness for that. I hope you can feel the love of thousands of strangers/friends who are rooting for you both and are heartsick over your loss.

Mike – this is raw and painful and it takes great courage to share when you are weakest and most vulnerable. These events are horrifying, but in a way wonderful. Over the last few weeks you have talked about how difficult it is for both you and Heather to grieve and hold each other up at the same time. Although no one wishes something like that would happen to a grieving family, at least you have had the chance to truly fall apart. Without really falling apart, you cannot begin to put yourself back together.

Now you and Heather can begin to sort through what is left. Yes, there are huge holes in that picture. Yes, you will never be the same man again. But working together, you and Heather will find a way to move forward. You don’t have to be superhuman. No one is.

I’ve been reading your blog for months without leaving a comment, my heart breaks for both of you. I came close to losing my daughter and I know the agony and horror of even just the thought. To think you had to suffer the last week’s torture on top of it seems incredibly cruel.. something is wrong with that system. So glad you are home now. What comes to mind as I read your story is that you are two gracious, loving people with tremendous love for each other. It’s that love that created Maddie and I’m betting it will be that love that sees you through. my thoughts are with you – karen M.

I had a similar experience with a mental health system that isn’t designed to help regular people in crisis as much as it is the more serious cases. Trying to convince people that you are OK when surrounded by all of that is very hard. I’m so glad that you are home, that you have gotten some help, and I hope that it continues. You are both so wonderful for sharing so much. I know it is helping people, and hopefully it is helping you too.

Liz says:

Wow. Thank you for your raw honesty- this broke my heart. You have hit rock bottom, and there is no way to go but up. Crawl out of this together. Get the help that you need. Take the time. Get the rest. You have so many people thinking of you- including me here in DC, and I don’t even know you.

Ever since I’ve been following your blogs I have been amazed and inspired by your honesty about going through the hardest time any parent could imagine. I hope people who you will probably never meet in person can help you with our love and prayers from far away. As I mentioned before, my children are around the same age as you two. I pray that they have your strength and wisdom during the hard times they will experience in their lives.

Shelley says:

I have been following your story and my heart breaks for you both. I thought maybe the compassionate friends is something you might want to look into, it is a great organization for bereaved families after the loss of a child. My thoughts and prayers will be with the both of you.

Oh Mike I love you. I understand that feeling and I know and understand that experience you went through. Remember I am always here whenever y’all might need me. You already know I don’t mind flying across country (even for a weekend) so just let me know if there is anything I can do for y’all. I love y’all so very much.

Kirsten says:

one day at a time, one hour at a time, or even on minute at a time. grief has an invisible grip on us, and just when we think it may have loosened, it practically chokes the life out of us. so just go slow. we’re all here for you. love you both.

Mike,
I am so very sorry. I can’t imagine where I would be in your shoes. My heart has shattered more times than I can count reading about you, heather and sweet Maddie. I dont know how to help. Please know that there are people all over this country that have never met you, but grieve for her loss and send love to you.

Monica says:

My thoughts and prayers are with you both at this impossible time. I can’t even comprehend the emotions you two are dealing with, but I hope that you can both continue to be there for each other as you have been throughout this hell.

Jenn says:

You don’t know me but I have posted on Heather’s site a few times and I think perhaps even yours once of twice. First off, I want to applaud you for your honesty. You had the choice never tell that story and none of us would know any different. I’m proud of you. Death is never easy. Death of a child….I suspect is impossible. Everyone falls once and a while Mike and that is all you did, you fell BUT, the good news is….not only did you get up, but you also learned so much about your situation and ways to handle it. There is only “up” from here my friend. You, like Heather are NEVER alone b/c somewhere along the way, a bunch of friends, family and now a ton of “Stranger Friends” have not only falling in love with Maddie, but have also falling in love with you and Heather. It would be an honour, my honour to become a “real” friend to you and Heather. I know I am a better person for having met your family. Although, I don’t know you in person, I told Heather this….I will be here as long as you need me (well, maybe even when you don’t! ha ha!).

Now your new journey starts but please don’t rush things. One small step at a time…together with your wife and know, Maddie isn’t far…she never will be. She listens to your prayers, she visits you during the day and sends her love. Not only does she live in your heart but I bet her spirit (although perhaps you don’t see it or feel it right now) is around you more often than not.

Be proud of yourself my friend…not many would be so honest. Not everyone would be so strong. I’m proud of Mike…and I know, Maddie is too.

Peace and Blessing Be To You!
One small step at a time…..
My best,
Your Friend,
Jenn

Wow ~ I am so sorry that you had THIS to deal with on top of everything else. My heart breaks for you both and I hope that you will find the peace and the comfort that you need to move forward. There is no one way, no right way…to grieve. We are all different and we each need to grieve in our own ways.
Hang in there you guys – Hang in there.

My heart breaks for both of you each and every day. I can’t fathom the amount of pain you both have had to deal with. I’m so glad that you had people to turn to when it became to much, I hope that you will continue to share with all of us as well. We all love you and Heather like family and there is nothing we wouldn’t do for you.

Amy says:

I’ve often thought about how one would move on after a tragedy such as yours….your honesty and thoughtfulness to include all of us in your journey is overwhelming to me. I’m so sorry both you and Heather had to go through the past 5 days…and past 6 weeks. It’s so unfair and certainly no one should have to feel like pain likes yours. I’m so sorry and I only wish that loving words and thoughts could heal your hearts.

Thank you for that honest post. Like so many people who have to endure tragedy, you will come out on the other side of this and you will be stronger. Tragedy is a time honored test of inner strength.

As humiliating as your experience must have felt, it sounds like it was the right lesson at the right time. It sounds like you had a tremendous release. Releases are necessary to move forward in life. Those who don’t release become stone statues forever stuck to one spot for the rest of time. When we gaze at statues we don’t see the original creation anymore, we only see the, usually tragic, event it represents – stuck in time.

Let’s face it. Life can suck. It’s not fair. People die – children die. Yes, even my own baby died. But life always leaves us choices, we can choose to remain where we are or we can take the lesson offered, learn from it and choose to move forward.

Colleen in Toronto says:

There is no question any one of us reading this blog who have children would of reacted the same way. Some may of done it sooner, some may have done it later. The fact that you are still standing and had the opportunity to expel some of your grief is a huge step forward. I was looking at your engagement pictures yesterday and the happiness on your faces was so clear, that happiness can return though it will be different. You’ll forever be the incredible Daddy & Mommy to Maddie and though the hand you have been dealt is the worst one fathomable, you and Heather have a bond that will eventually put your broken souls back together. I’m so glad to hear that everything is ok, I’m sure I speak for many when I say, though we are strangers we care about you both a great deal and we all love your beautiful Maddie. We grieve with you and wish you both nothing but peace as you wade through the minefield of grief.

Tammy says:

This post just proves to me that no matter how much others hurt for you and Heather, we just can’t fathom how painful this is for you. Saying I’m sorry seems so inadequate, but I really am. I’m praying for you both.

Alexandra says:

I have been wondering all along how you and heather are making it without counseling. I don’t see how. After my father’s suicide, that’s the first place I ran to: I couldn’t cope with all the anger I had at losing my father, not having my father anymore. It was so unfair and wrong and permanent. I just couldn’t deal with it.

This might be a very, very good thing, Mike: that you and Heather can be in support groups with parents who have had the unimaginable happen, parents who have lost the most precious thing possible.

It think what happened to you is understandable, but shame on your co workers for letting you drink. They should know you are in no state to decide that right now..

Deborah says:

What an unbelievably brave post, Mike. To lay yourself out there for total strangers on the web is proof of what an upstanding, honest man you are. I am so very, very sorry to hear about what happened to you, but also glad that you found some benefit to the group therapy sessions. You are traveling on the most difficult road that anyone can travel, and although there is nothing I can do to make it better for you and Heather, I can assure you that I am thinking about you and sending good wishes your way, whatever that is worth. You will make it, even though it may not feel like it now. I feel like I know you and Heather personally, and I do care about you both. Please know that you are in my thoughts and the thoughts of others all over the world.

Thank you, Mike, for sharing this painful part of your journey, just as you and Heather have shared everything up to this point. I was thinking and worrying about you after Heather’s last post.

What occurred to me is that both of you aren’t falling apart, you’re falling together. Only, one of the vital pieces is missing now, so it hurts, it’s uncomfortable, it’s not at all what you want. Whatever you do each day to help heal or just to get through the day, is enough. And whatever has brought you to today, through what you might view as a “worst” moment, is part of you, who you are and where you are going, if you choose to accept it into your personal history.

I wish I could say just the right thing to lift the burden from you and Heather, but there is no right thing. I am thinking about you and hoping you find some rest and peace.

Leslie says:

I think your extreme grief is completely normal. I can’t imagine feeling any other way than you do at this point. You are a brave and intelligent man to be as insightful as you are. I hope you and Heather find some peace in the days ahead.

Please know there are so many people thinking of you and hoping for good things to come your way.

Andrea says:

After my dad suddenly passed away, I was filled with rage and fear. I remember several times driving and simultaneously screaming and weeping and pounding the steering wheel. I was afraid to drive in the car because it meant that I would be alone with my thoughts. I tried to go back to work too soon, too–I thought it would be like a comforting routine– and I would sit at the computer and just feel my rising panic.

What an honest sharing of your ordeal. You didn’t owe any of us, especially the strangers, this explanation. But I have often wondered how in the world I would handle losing one of my beloved children, and I can totally see my husband doing what you did. Our kids are our life and breath, and imagining this world without them takes our breath away, literally. Thank you for telling us about your experience. I can’t fathom being on this journey daily, for real, forever. I pray that you and Heather can find ways to talk about this experience in whatever setting is best for you, whether it be therapy or group sessions or just with each other. I’m sure you process Maddie’s death differently, but you are both suffering greatly because of it. I pray that you will be able to hold on to each other even as you navigate this journey alone in your hearts and minds.

Mike and Heather, my heart goes out for you daily and I think of you offten. I started following your blog a few weeks before you lost your baby girl. I cant imagine being in your shoes, but try to stay positive for your daughter, you will see her again one day and I am sure that bubbly little girl would want you to enjoy the lives you still have, so she can continue to watch you two live life and she can smile at the joy of it from where she waits for you. I pray for you daily and think of your family offten.

Tami says:

Mike , I am so sorry. This brought tears to my eyes reading it. People dont have a clue of what you are going threw. Some do ,but everyone is different with handling their own pain. I am glad you found some help in there. I bet it was scary and I’m glad you are home. My thoughts , prayers and tears are right along with you and Heather.
Hugs,

Oh, I am so sorry to hear this. I think this is a normal reaction for someone going though what you are dealing with right now. After my grandmothers children were murdered, she went into a psychiatric unit for a full year. I will continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts.

I’m not even going to try to offer words of solace or comfort. I can’t imagine what you are going through right now and I hope I’m never in the position to understand….

I hate that you had to return to work so early. What happened to you on the day you went back is completely, 100% understandable.

I’m not sure how your lives are set up or what you do for a living but would it be possible for Heather to go back to work with you when you return again, just to be there…in your office with you or even just in the building to give you strength and comfort?? It sounds like you both have done a good job of leaning on each other for support and comfort. Please continue to do so, it is so important right now.

Also, I’m sure this isn’t the first time you’ve heard this but please try to find a support group of parents who have lost children if you haven’t already done so….you and Heather are walking a very rare and horrific path not many people have to walk. You should be in contact with people who have experienced the same thing. This isn’t just some normal life stressor like the loss of a job or a divorce…it’s the worst thing that could ever happen to someone. As much as others empathize and cry with you (as I do), we still cannot possible understand what you are going through….

I have so much respect and admiration for your and heather’s honesty. It must have taken a lot to share all of this with all of us – many of us, strangers to you guys. I am so heartbroken to hear about your and heather’s seemingly insurmountable grief, and I can only imagine that there is no other way. Our prayers and thoughts are with you two all of the time. We think about you both constantly and say prayers for your peace despite this horrible horrible storm.

Mike, so amazing that you came here and shared this with us. I know it was an awful ordeal, but I really hope that you did learn some methods to healing yourself while you were there. I have been so worried about you since Heathers last post and check back daily (multiple times!) to see “how you guys are doing”. You guys WILL get through this terrible pain, it just takes time. I pray for you both often and I want you to know that so many total strangers (like ME!) love you both so much! Take it easy, take it slow. Peace be with you my friend.

oh Mike, Heather, I am and continue to be so sorry for your loss. Sorry that you went through that, but hope that whatever you gleaned from therapy will be helpful to you. You guys are together and there are so many people cheering for you guys and wanting to help you through this.

mike and heather~ you two have gone through so much lately. you are constantly in my prayers. thank you for continuing to share your life sruggles with perfect stangers….please realize that although i don’t know you, i grieve with you and wish there was more i could do.

Amy says:

Kudos to you for sharing your ordeal. You could have easily not said a word but you were honest and that deserves a round of applause. I am sorry that this happened to you but I truly hope that this was rock bottom and nothing but moving up is in your future. Perhaps future therapy sessions will be helpful.. maybe, maybe not. But good for you for talking about all of your feelings. Always thinking about you and Heather… always…

Christine says:

I hardly ever comment on blogs that I read, but I feel compelled to thank you for your honesty in sharing your pain with us. Like many other readers, I’ve never met you, but I am continually amazed at the strength and love you and Heather show. I can’t even begin to try to imagine the depth of your pain, but I hope you find some comfort in knowing that you, Heather and Maddie are greatly loved.

Mike, I’m not sure there’s anything I can offer that others have not, but I was a nurse on a psych ward, sounds identical to the story you told. I was the one standing outside the door watching them shave. I had to explain to sane “normal” people just having a hard time, that yes, we cut steaks with plastic utensils around here. My heart just broke again when I saw it took 5 days to spring you from the clink. So glad you found something from it.
Psych Wards are an amazing place: you see the power of the mind. I’m sure you met at least guy who was convinced he was Jesus, and probably another who introduced himself as Santa. And THEY BELIEVE IT.
What are YOU going to believe? What powerful thought does YOUR brain have during this really really shitty time in your life? I don’t know how you two are putting one foot in front of the other right now. But you are. And you will. (and Keep doing that *together* for loosing a child can be toxic to a marriage. )
BELIEVE something. Because as you’ve seen… it can be really really out there, and still be true, to you.
Thank you for showing us your tender underbelly. That took guts.

I have been reading your blog for the past couple of weeks and am so sorry for your loss. What you and your family have experienced is something that I haven’t experienced and cannot imagine what it feels like. I have experienced death. The death of my father was on June 6, 2004. Even though the divorce of my parents caused some waves in the ocean, we maintained a good relationship and were good friends. I can relate to a post that Heather made about how you still talk to Maddie and that she’s in the next room…right? There are many times that I have reached for my cell phone to call my Dad to catch up. I always cried when I did this in the past and now that almost 5 years have past, I kinda laugh, as I know that my Dad is kinda laughing up in heaven. I will share with you a book (grieving journal) that I found to be helpful during the hard days. It’s called, “Grieving the Loss of a Loved One.” It’s definitely a journal that helped me when I didn’t think that I could make it.

Mike, I’m sorry to hear about your stint in the hospital. I hope that the group sessions helped. I often times think that maybe we all need to attend group therapy, as we are all a bit “off” in our thinking at times.

We send our prayers out from St. Louis and pray that God continues to give you the strength. Your beautiful little Maddie is watching over you each and every day. I know that she has those that we have lost in our lives that are keeping an eye on her up in heaven.

Oh, Mike–you poor thing! I am just so sorry for you and Heather. I’m glad you are home now and so sorry you went through that ordeal in the hospital–but maybe it’s a good thing in the long run because of what you got out of the group meetings. Plus, you learned (the hard way) that it was waaaay too early to go back to work!

I can’t even begin to imagine how you guys are feeling–but I know that what happened to you the other day is totally understandable after what you’ve gone through.

Elaine says:

My thoughts are with you. This is a brave post, and even if you don’t feel brave, the fact that you’re telling this story is a huge step forward along the road. It’s a road nobody should ever have to walk, but somehow the fact that you can talk about this really encourages me. Shutting it up is what hurts. Not that I know anything; aside from losing my father to ALS four years ago, I’ve had a very lucky life. But I’ve been in a few work situations where I’ve had to choke down pain and rage, and what it did to me isn’t pretty. That’s not to compare my situation one bit, but just to say that even though it sucked and still sucks and will suck further, letting your feelings out so you can deal with them is by far the better way.

annie says:

Wow. Well, it’s always good to find out what does not work. I’m so glad to hear from you. You and Heather are doing all the right things and when you are ready for real life again, you’ll know. Grief is an intensely personal experience and just because something helped another person is no guarantee it will help you. You are the only judge of what is right and what makes you feel better.

jean says:

Wow. Sometimes you do need to say it out loud. As terrible as your experience was, I am glad you were kept safe for a few days while you worked through just a little of your pain. I don’t understand why we as a society see psychiatric care as something to be ashamed of – our minds need help sometimes just like our bodies.

Veronica says:

I’ve been there and it’s scarier beyond belief. It sounds like you are taking the right steps. What a sad world this would be without you, and Maddie. I hope and pray for the best for you and Heather, always. Consider that your rock bottom and the rest is looking up from there.

Marie says:

Oh my Mike! That was a terrible ordeal you had to go through. After my husband died I considered drinking even though I didn’t drink at all. I thought it would numb me enough to let me function, sleep, get through the day. I never did, but I sure wanted to. Instead I quit eating. I could not eat and cry at the same time so I lost 40 lbs in the process. I had that same moment you did – where I fell apart. I managed to call my sons and they came. They let me unload and cry and feel guilt and whatever else happened that night. I am glad that your night is now over and maybe you can move forward a little bit. I am pretty sure that this is a normal thing in grief. There is that time when you just cannot take it one more minute.
To lose someone so suddenly is a terrible thing – you just can’t understand. And being a man you maybe think you have to be strong for everyone. Let it out. Do what gets you through the day. It takes a long time to start to feel better even a little. Take that time and express your grief. Please though, do not let alcohol be your crutch. That can only harm you.
My heart hurts for both of you.

I’m glad you shared that. I wish I had words that would truly comfort or I could do something. All I can do is tell you that both of you are in my thoughts everyday. Sending much love and many hugs.

I hope talking to someone has helped, and I hope you keep doing it (it can’t hurt afterall). You and Heather will find your way eventually. It’ll be hard, I can’t even imagine how hard, but you’ll get there.

melissa says:

Mike, I admire your honesty and courage. Not only did you meet your breaking point, but you shared it openly and that is another step towards healing. You and Heather are extremely lucky to have each other during this time and am truly touched by the way you have both supported each other day by day. There are not enough words to express how my heart aches for you both and your family. I am not very religous, but I find you in my thoughts and prayers each day.

Adelas says:

I sat here in shock reading this. For some reason, I had read Heather’s post and NEVER considered that you breaking down had had consequences this dire. Of course you broke down, right? Smashed furniture, sobbed in public places, became so upset you vomited… I threw in pictures of what I would expect of myself when my shit finally frayed past holding in, and I prayed for you and ached in sympathy, but it stopped there.

I hadn’t realized that the vague paragraphs about breaking down were describing this injury stacked upon injury for you.

As I read your post, Mike, it struck me as unreal enough to seem a joke and as I was waiting for the punchline that never came, I was reading faster and faster until by the end I was skimming. Then, I had to go back and read it again.

Frankly, I had originally figured it would be standard procedure to put bereaved parents on suicide watch. (Especially single parents – thank God you two have each other to lean on.) But if this is how they’re going to go about it, I’m glad they DON’T put all that added stress to perform on everyone. I’m so thankful that you – to be blunt – escaped, and can come back and grieve fully without that added anxiety.

Like some of the others, I want to thank you for sharing what’s been going on. We want so desperately to know it, to be able to follow along with you even though in many cases it’s “noneya business”.

And as before, as I mentioned in the letter I sent, I am still praying that your identities will clarify, that your purpose and motivation will congeal and that you’re able to not just figure out, but find joy in, why you are still here. That has been my earnest hope for you, remembered daily.

Vicky says:

It seems like I say the same thing every day. We are a group of diverse readers from around the world that care about you and Heather and are trying our best to hold you up as you stumble down this tragic path. I am so so sorry you are going through all this.

You are very brave to have shared this story. I knew it was bad from Heather’s post, but of course had no idea how bad it had gotten. I can tell you that drinking is not the answer (I think you already got that). I hope that you and Heather can find a grief support group. I think that would help you both immensely, if for no other reason than it would physically connect you with people in your area going through much the same things you are. I think it would also take some of the pressure off you and Heather to always have to be the strong one when the other is having a bad time of it.

Mike, you don ‘t know me at all, but I’ve had your family in my thoughts and heart for a long time. I can’t imagine a parent who wouldn’t want to change places with their beloved child in that unthinkable situation. I’m so sorry for all you and Heather have had to go through recently—so many people care about your journey and hope you are well.

Jasmin says:

Everyone deals with grief at their own pace and in their own way. I’m glad you realized that drinking wasn’t effective. I’m sorry you had to be in psych ward for 5 days as a result of it.

I’ve never experienced the loss of a loved one and I don’t know what you or Heather are going through. Even worse I don’t know what to say or how I can help but as always I keep your family in my thoughts and prayers every day.

RWBGrandma says:

Colleen says:

Yikes, that reads like a plot for a movie, how does it end? The point is, you can’t change one second of the past, only the future. You get to do with it what you please and create a life of your choosing, what will that be? Maddie will be a part of it because she is a part of you. She has never left you, only in the physical sense but she is still with you. Don’t shut her out with alcohol; when you numb yourself you shut out Maddie, she’s still there. I don’t just think this is true, I KNOW it is. Maddie is still very close to you and your wife, just know that and let her show you your future.

Mike, you have NOTHING to apologize for. You are grieving. People make choices in grief, that they wouldn’t make any other time. You body, mind and soul are struggling how to feel, all the time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed. You are strong enough to see now that TIME is what you need. I’ve only really lurked here to keep up on your and your wonderful wife. You two seem to be a great support for each other. Just remember to express any and every feeling, no matter how hard it hurts sometimes. It will help you both heal. My husband and I signed a pact, that anything either one of us said to each other, during our grief that might hurt, was said with grief, not truth. Love lasts forever, no where that person is. Heaven, sitting on your shoulder protecting you two, or inbetween you and your wife when you hug. She’s always be there. Hard to say now, but someday it won’t hurt soooo bad.

Wow. That sounds just absolutely horrifying. All of this does. None of it should be happening, and I’m so, so sorry. I pray for you two daily, and you’re very nearly always in my thoughts. I hope that everyone’s thoughts and prayers combined can somehow result in some comfort for the both of you. Lots of love.

Kate says:

Mike, I’m so glad that this was you writing! Or I would have been even more terrified as I started reading, that you were not out of there. Thank you for your story. I’m glad you are looking for the good in the situation. Best of thoughts for you and Heather everyday.

D says:

Mike, sending hugs. You are a true man of strength, you know that? Thank you for your total honesty here, and for speaking the truth about grief. There are so many supporting you and praying for you. I’m so sorry that all of this has happened. I pray for both you and Heather daily. Sending love from Michigan.

I could never claim to understand your pain, but I hit rock bottom in a different way a couple of years ago and instead of venting in a private way, I too said I wanted to die out loud not really meaning I wanted to die but I had to be evaluated as well. It is a scary thing and I am so sorry it happened to you. I am so sorry any of this happened to you. You are both in my thoughts every day.

Thanks for sharing that Mike. To let you know you’re not alone I share this:

After losing my daughter Olivia, I drove myself to the psych ward and asked them to check me in. They asked two questions. They asked if I were suicidal or homicidal. No to both. (I believe I would absolutely kill myself if it not for the fact that I have a son who remains).

With my answer of no, they told me they could not help me.

Accepting help or even being in the system is scary and then again….so is grieving one’s own child.

It has been over four years for me Mike, and I am not back to work yet. The world still looks too big and scary most of the time.

Be gentle with yourself. There are no right or wrong ways to do this. We simply make the best bad decision we have each day.

I’d probably want to drown myself in a bottle of Captain too, Mike. And, overall, I cannot say enough about therapy to help you (generally) through the grieving process. It really does help. A lot. There’s not one ounce of shame in it and I’d encourage you and Heather to go individually AND as a couple. The weight you both have to bare is enormous.

Amanda says:

Heather –
Just wanted to comment on your blog too – not sure if you will ever read this or not but I wanted to let you know that I am so proud of Mike for acknowledging that help is sometimes the most courageous thing we can do. We give ourselves the benefit of medical help but emotional help, not so much. I know this doesn’t help much but I too went through something very similar to this when my son died – I completely and totally broke down – I held in my feelings that, when they finally came, they came out so differently than I had wanted – ways that to this day I am not very happy about.

I wanted to share a bit that I wrote on my a post to my blog (I hope you don’t mind):

It’s painful to lose a part of your life suddenly. It’s scary not knowing how to live life in a new reality – even if it’s one that you lived before. It’s hard to hear things like: ”Aren’t you over this yet?” You find yourself alternately saying and fight against saying – Are you serious? How am I supposed to do THAT? But you must go on, you must do the thing you thought that you could not do, you must take the hours and make days, which finally string together a month. Why? Because there really is no other choice – you do not yet know for sure that in time the memories won’t be quite as vivid, not as fresh. Don’t misunderstand, you will remember them – some of them you will remember with laughter and clarity and yet others you’ll choose to forget and not wish to discuss. All of those things build who you are.

You will be a different person, yet in ways stronger. You will be a different person, but yet in ways weaker – you will know that everything doesn’t happen for a reason and that sometimes the control that we ALL seek will elude you.

You will lose your innocence. You will, in time, come to the realization that ridiculous comments are just that, ridiculous comments. You will learn that moving on does not equate to letting go to the past. You learn at the beginning to keep it simple. You’ll make mistakes, you’ll stumble, yet you will string together those hours, days, and months.

You will choose to not let what happened define YOU – the you that is still there, even if it’s only a fragment of who you are right now.

You will realize that you are still you.

Deep inside.
Where it counts.

Please know that I think of you often and pray for you both. Mike, I am so proud of you taking the steps to take care of YOU. Please don’t stop getting help – you deserve it. Heather, I am proud of you for standing beside Mike and being his biggest supporter and his rock right now – my husband now says that it is one of the hardest things he’s ever done.

There are many of us who have gone before you in this journey and have done the same things – you are not alone. If you feel comfortable doing so, reach out – we help ourselves by helping you. Sorry for the long comment but it was meant from the heart.

Mike, thank you for sharing this with all of us. As I’ve said in comments here before, I can’t even try to grasp what you and Heather are dealing with and I would do whatever I could to take a small fraction of your pain away.

One that amazes me is that you and Heather are so open and honest on your blogs. A lot of people would shut the blog world out and their pages would remain unupdated for months and months. The fact that you both have shared everything here is amazing and I am in awe of your courage and strength.

it is what it is … and i can only hope that something can be learned from everything. you are both so incredibly lucky to have each other. relish in each other right now. you are the only people that can completely understand what the other is going through …
the rest of us … are just here for support.

kyle says:

Your honesty and willingness to share is overwhelming. Both of you are in my thoughts frequently and all three of you are in my prayers. I hope it gets better, maybe a little easier to wake up and get out of bed each day. Know that you are being carried by thousands of peoples thoughts and prayers. Love to both of you.

Carol says:

You are amazing people. The fact that you can be so honest and open about what you’re feeling makes me confident you will find a way to build a wonderful life together. Of course it will be hard, of course you will have changed, but you are doing all the right things to get through it. God bless you both.

Sarah (Montreal) says:

I’m glad you are home. I can’t even begin to imagine how much your heart, brain, and body hurt from losing a part of you. It is horrible, heartbreaking unfair. I can’t even begin to know how you can heal your heart. But I do know this, the other most precious thing you have in your life, besides your sweet memories of your beautiful girl, is your beautiful wife who is hurting just as much. And also understands exactly how you feel. It is my wish that you both can take the time to be together, to cry together and grief together .. statistically it is very high that you two could break apart, and that would be sad, after all, the two of you were the people who created the beautiful angel that now looks down on you both. Maddie wants both her parents to continue to live while remembering her. I’m glad your safe. sending cyber hugs from a stranger to both of you. God Bless you both.

Erin says:

Mike, thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s not pretty, but so much of what you two are going through is not pretty. I wish there was something that we could do to help, but until that time comes, I will hope and pray that the two of you can cling to each other and make it through each day. Nothing will bring your Maddie back, but hopefully over time you can have moments of peace.

You both are in our thoughts and prayers. I honestly would be suicidal too if something happened to my child. I would lose my mind and then some. I don’t have the right words to make anything better but just know that I am thinking of you guys daily and praying that you can find comfort in your new life without precious Maddie.

I don’t think I can possibly say it better than Jenn did, above “You, like Heather are NEVER alone b/c somewhere along the way, a bunch of friends, family and now a ton of “Stranger Friends” have not only falling in love with Maddie, but have also falling in love with you and Heather. It would be an honour, my honour to become a “real” friend to you and Heather. I know I am a better person for having met your family. Although, I don’t know you in person, I told Heather this….I will be here as long as you need me ”

You both are in my thoughts everyday. The honest way you write, the humor even in such a horrible situation, you both amaze me, and you have yet another “stranger friend” here in AZ (hopefully to be home in CA soon).

Kailee says:

To both Mike and Heather, thank you for your profound honesty while dealing with this terrible, heart-breaking tragedy. No words could tell you how sorry I am for your loss. You have been in my thoughts.

Erin says:

When I was in school I did a ton of baby sitting for the family down the road. They were like a second family to me. And what made me realize that I too wanted childern of my own someday. One day the family got in a car accedent and the two little boys got killed. It was so hard for me to understand why God would take those little boys from there Mommy and Daddy and put them through that. I was not even the parents of the boys and could not bare the pain. I would wake up crying at night thinking of them. I quit talking to the family because I would just cry every tine I saw them. Then one day someone (I don’t even remember who) said to me I know why God takes little ones (selfish was all I could think) they said God needs little angels because what would heven be without the laughter of little children. And then I though about it and how wounderful heven is. I stopped thinking about me and how much it hurt and I wished they could just come back. And I started to think about how much joy they are bringing to all the angels of heven. All though it hurts now and you will never forget your little angel. I can now talk about the boys with out crying. I will never stop talking about the boys ( it has been almost 10 years). I think about how old they would be and wounder what they would have been when they grew up. I start to get sad, but then I think it is so cool to think someday when I die the boys will be standing there still just 1 and 3 years old waiting to see me and I will for eturnity have the boys to play with. I don’t know if that story will help you. Because I know that your time here on earth will always be spent wishing you had your little girl. But I hope you can think about how lucky you will be when you get to have her as your little girl for an eturnity. I can just see the boys taking Maddies hands and running with her in the gardens of Heven ( and I am sure that you Grandmother is enjoying every moment). The boys parents had a very hard time with this (all though I know I don’t have to tell you this). But with the love they have for one and other they did get through. They now have two little girls, and I am sure they know how much there little brothers were loved. I do talk to the family again and know that they are happy once again. It just takes time (time we all wish could just go away). You little girl will always be in my prayers as will you!!!!!!!

cynthiabu says:

I don’t know what you are going through, I can only imagine. I am sorry Maddie left so soon, it isn’t fair.
I have been looking in on the outside throughout the pregnancy and Maddie’s amazing recovery from her early birth. You only had a short time with her but she touched your lives so much, you would never want to change all that you went through to have her for the months you did. With that said, I can imagine you wanting to die, to be closer to her.
This whole situation just sucks.
My heart and prayers are with you everyday. I wish I could do more then that.

You’ll never be able to watch another show or movie with a psych ward in it without going “Pfft, that’s SO NOT how it is.”
I’ll may not understand losing my baby, but the psych ward? *secret handshake*

Kathy Guley says:

I just want you to know my heart goes out to you. I can not imagine what you are going through. But I join all of the other people, strangers to you, who are trying to stand with you with our thoughts and prayers. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure it will help others who are going through similar pain.

I don’t think there is anywhere on earth as scary as the psych ward. I’ve been fortunate to not be a resident, but a close family member was many times. You’re in my thoughts, and I hope that’s the last time you ever have to visit that place.

JustShireen says:

I’ve been reading your posts these past few weeks, and re-reading them wishing that I knew what to say or how to make it better. I still don’t know. But I can say thank you for being brave enough to share your story with us. And that I wish with all my heart that you weren’t going through this, that you didn’t have this story to share.

rachel says:

I think that both of you are reacting in a healthy normal way. Healthy and normal in that you are discussing and experiencing grief, and that is okay. Please, for Maddie, keep breathing and living. That is all you can do for this moment. Tomorrow, maybe you can do more. But to wake up in the morning right now is a big step. All my love is with you both!

Amy says:

Sometimes, we need to hit rock bottom before we can begin to claw our way back out again. No one can really understand your pain unless they have walked in your shoes. But know that you have a lot of people pulling for you and thinking of you often.

Grief is tricky. And it’s not the same for any two people. You guys need to take care of yourselves and each other and heal. It won’t happen overnight. You’ll never be the same after such a profound loss, but you will go on. Let yourself grieve the loss of your beautiful little girl. There is no time limit on this process….heck, I’m two years out from two losses in my family (that were 6 weeks apart…my mom and MIL) and I find I am still trying to deal with/process the grief of the losses and situation that brought one of the two of them on. Sometimes it sneaks up on me and takes my feet out from under me even after all this time.

Please, take care of yourself. You guys are in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us.

I second the person who suggested that you try The Compassionate Friends. I’ve been through the death of two children, also went back to work after a month and found I had gone back way too early after the car accident It should easily have been six months, but I owned my own business which probably wouldn’t have survived that length of absence. It wasn’t until about six months after the deaths of my kids that I learned of The Compassionate Friends and started attending a local chapter. What wonderful people and they were committed to being there as long as my wife and I needed them. We’ve now been with The Compassionate Friends 19 years, the last nine or ten working for the National Office. Please stop by our website at http://www.compassionatefriends.org and learn a little about us.

We have more than 600 chapters across the United States so there should be one in your area. And if that doesn’t work for you, we have our Onlines Support Community (OSC), moderated chats, each one aimed at different situations (general parental grief, sibling grief, those who’ve had a miscarriage or early pregnancy loss, etc.).

We wish you the very, very best in your journey and hope we can help you along the way.

I used to be one of those nurses that stands outside the door while you shave. I was the one that checked inside your butt cheeks and under your boobs for contraband when you were admitted. It was a sweet job.

So I hear you. The way those units have to be run is harsh on those that aren’t claiming to be carrying the AntiChrist, but in the long run, if you can find a way to take from it what you need, they can help. It’s never about the other people there.

But yeah, it makes you keenly aware of the “trigger” words that get you admitted, huh? We’re listening, Mike, and we don’t have any plastic sporks to push on you.

C.B says:

What you both need is peace. You need salvation. Forgiveness of your sins. Jesus Christ can do that. Just say a simple prayer asking God to forgive you. Ask him to take the pain away. He knows what your going through. He died on the cross for your sins.

Maddie is in Heaven with him. You too can have that reassurance of sins forgiven and be with her again for eternity. All it take is a simple prayer of repentence.

sherry pyle says:

Dear Mike,
I am old enough to be your Mom and have children your age.
My heart hurts so for you.
It is so understandable the grief you have.
I cry even thinking about it.
I once lost our first child during the pregancy and went trough a terrible time. So I can only imagine your pain.
I offer you prayers and to somehow realize even though we can’t see it at the time God will never put us through more than we can bear. However I know it gets pretty close.
I really know no answers but that God does love you and Maddie is at peace with him. I know we would much rather have her here.
Please please hold to her memories and please try to just take each day at a time.
So many people who don’t even know your family are pulling for you.
I am sure what you have experienced is what any of us would go through if put in the same situation , probably would do worse.
I pray for you and my heart truly cares for all you have gone through.
Someday you will be with her again and untill that day let her memory make you a great man because you were so loved by her. Do it all for her. So that when you are my age you can smile and be thankful that you made it through and have kept her love locked forever in you heart.
I am so sorry for your loss and rememer how much you are loved by so many people who’s lives were touched by Maddie.
Sherry Pyle

“Starting today I am going to focus on doing absolutely everything I can to put my life together and figure out how Heather and I can make a life for ourselves after our sweet Maddie’s passing.”

Good decision, Mike. Maddie wouldn’t want you or Heather to fall. I’m sorry for what you guys are going through. Not surprised that you had the experience of the last few days, though; you’ve been staying strong against the odds, and something had to give. Give yourself time to grieve and feel. The rest of the world will still be here when you’re ready.

It’s incredibly touching how you two are sharing your grief with your readers. Through your loss you are teaching the rest of us to cherish life, to treasure our loved ones. I truly respect and appreciate you both sharing such personal and painful experiences with us. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there like that, but by doing so you have created a huge extended family that sends all the love and support we can muster via the internet.

Denise says:

Mike, after the passing of our daughter, we thought we were brave enough to do this on our own. We had 2 other daugthers at home, at the time 3rd grade and 6th grade. We thought as parents, we could do this, now I see after 7 years, I should have seeked the SOLACE HOUSE for help. I don’t know if you have such a place where you are, but I’m sure they are out there! It’s a place where you can go for greiving couseling – its not something you should be ashamed of, it’s a place to just help you process it all. I see NOW that it would have really helped my girls. They are forever changed – and molded from our experience and how we dealt with this terrible loss. I thought as a mother my daughters needed me and I had to be strong and put all my emotions/grief aside to help them deal with it. I hit bottom more than once. I wish I would have seeked the help back then when it was so fresh. We are doing better, but each year on her birthday, we all go into our own. WE each process things differently. As a mother, Heather will grief differently than you. As a Father, You will grieve differently than her. It does by no mean you are doing it wrong! I pray for you all. God does know this pain you are feeling. And you are not alone. My heart is hurting along with yours…..that pain never really goes away….I think what happens is you get use to it…….but its always there…..you just learn to cope the best way you can. Take it one minute at a time…..and then that minute will turn into a day at a time…..You and Heather will make it thru this…..just hold tight to each other and don’t let go! Denise (MOM and wife now 22 years and counting!)

Anna Marie Hinnant says:

Oh Mike, I wish I could give you a great big hug. It wouldn’t fix anything, but hugs never hurt. That sounds like such a harrowing experience and I’m sorry you found yourself in it. I love Casey’s comment though!

My husband had a panic attack after Thomas was born and no one thought he (Thomas) would live. I was on the 5th floor in the PICU and I got a call from the ED on the 1st floor telling me my husband was down there. I remember thinking that it was the last straw – I couldn’t handle any more and if my husband wasn’t down there DYING then I was going to KILL him. I *may* have said as much to Thomas’s nurse. They *may* have made a notation about that in Thomas’s chart. I got funny looks for DAYS.

I wish I could take some of the pain from you and Heather. I really do.

missy says:

Tricia says:

Mike,
I think of you all more often then not and my heart aches for you and wishes that there was something beyond leaving comments or sending cards that I could do. So you fell. But the most important thing is: YOU GOT BACK UP. That takes an amazing amount of strength to pick yourself up of the floor and continue to live, to want to live. I’m proud of you, I’m proud of Heather, both of your strength is amazing and your words inspiring…as well as tear inducing. I hope that you both have times (even if it’s just seconds) where the pain isn’t all consuming, where each breath isn’t a challenge and just hold on to eachother, hold eachother up…it’s all you can do. And if you fall again or if Heather does, it’s ok…get back up when you’re ready. So much love and so many hugs to you both. If there’s anything, please, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Mike– I am so, so sorry, and so happy to hear from you. I’m glad that you have a network of supportive friends and family around you. Keep Heather and Rigby close, as you will most definitely need to rely on them in the coming weeks and months.

Ugh, everyone should deserve a chance to breakdown after losing their child. I am sorry you had to go through this. After my mom died my grandmother, and grandfather both slipped into severe depressions. It takes time……. you shouldn’t have to deal with this……..I am sorry…..

I can only imagine how easy it would be to spiral like that after such a painful loss. So lucky that you and Heather are blessed with such wonderful and supportive families. I hope that both you and Heather are participating in grief counseling – and lots of it – when my father passed away (no comparison to losing a child, I know), I strugged A LOT. I’ve already told myself that when my mother dies, I will immediately get myself into therapy. We cannot be expected to handle this kind of grief alone. I am glad you are back home safely. Love to you guys.

Almost 20 years ago, my 7 year old nephew was killed in a car accident and my sister and BIL were referred to a group here in LA called Compassionate Friends. It is a group of grieving parents all at different stages, where everyone understands your pain and can empathize. They provided them with not only much comfort but they in turn were able to comfort others in later years. http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

I love you and Heather and will keep you in my thoughts. Except when the Giants play the Dodgers, then it’s GAME ON!

Heather and Mike, lest you think for a moment you are not brave let this entry be a reminder. Sharing your grief so honestly is amazingly courageous. No wonder Maddie was such an amazing child. With you two as her parents she couldn’t lose.

So glad Mike is home again. Sending you all my best wishes for peace and healing.

Susan from PA says:

Mike and Heather,
Please know that all your reactions and feelings are so normal! When my dad died, I simply shut down, cried all the time, and tried to avoid social situations. When I did force myself to try to return to social situations I was miserable, and had no business being out of my house. I also drank way too much a few times, thinking it might dull the pain for even one moment. People were worried, including my husband who felt helpless and didn’t know what to do. I mentioned before that I went to a grief counselor. This was not something I wanted to do, but I knew I needed it. I couldn’t even find the energy or courage to bathe my children. I knew I was not going to heal on my own, and although I deserved to grieve (my dad was my BEST friend, and I had not expected him to die) I did not want to worry everyone around me, and I had to get help…especially for my family. When I found my counselor, I had the chance to talk to someone over and over again who really understood grief and the hopelessness that it can leave in your life. I went for two years, and in the beginning she helped me with the simple things like remembering to eat, choosing things I had to do versus the stuff I was pressuring myself to do. Over and over I grieved out loud with a professional who knew how to help me, and really understood the loss that I had suffered. I can’t say enough about how I think this changed my life….slowly. Years before, I lost a child (first pregnancy) at 28 weeks and questioned my belief in God. Someone recommended “When Bad Things Happen to Good People.” When I was able to read more than one sentence at a time, I read that book, and it helped me so much. Maybe when you are ready… it helped so much.
So, I get how bad it can be, but I didn’t lose Maddie, and I believe that anything you can do to survive this is just fine, because losing her just sucks and is not fair. I will NEVER stop missing my dad, but years later I can say I have learned to live with it. There is NO GETTING OVER losing someone you loved so much. I pray for moments of peace for you that turn into hours, but know that will take lots of time.
I do have a blog, but have followed yours for months. I will keep reading as I hope you share your feelings and memories. You certainly have a community of people who care! You are brave, amazing, and stronger than you know. I promise the sun will shine again, but it may be a long time before you see it, and that is okay!
Susansusfourn@aol.com

Jana says:

Mike: I’ve been there; also due to extreme grief. I’m glad you’re home physically safe. You guys are in utter, utter hell and although the pain will never go away, I wholeheartedly hope it will become more “tolerable.” Keeping leaning on your family, friends and us. As I commented in Heather’s Pieces post, we will buoy you…and we want to.

Soooooooooo Sooooooo sorry you have to go thru this horrible, heart wrenching, just plain unfair grief… I think you and Heather are the most amazingly strong and honest individuals and I would do anything to take away some of this pain from you. Maddie changed me (among a million others) for the better and we will always help to keep her memory alive and burning strong….
((((HUGS)))))

I have been following your blog since shortly after Maddie’s death. I simply cannot imagine what you are facing; not even a little bit. I have nothing I can say, but that i’m praying for you and Heather.
thank you for trusting us all by sharing this post; i would imagine it was hard. but know that NONE of us judge you for what you’ve just experienced.

I’m not writing anything more original than others have written except to say thank you for sharing your story with such brutal honesty and humility. Your blogs (yours and Heathers) are part of my daily reading and after Heather’s Pieces entry, I was intrigued and worried. Your family & your experiences have touched me profoundly and sincerely wish you all the best in your recovery. Grief is a long road, pls don’t rush it or be too hard on yourself. Feel what there is to feel. This grief won’t ever go away for you, but you’ll find ways to cope & manage it, and live your life the way Maddie wants you to.

jackie says:

I’m so sorry. Usually I tell you guys I can’t imagine….but I can with this topic. Last month my husband got ridiculously drunk in an effort to get some attention to the fact he was suicidal. I’m not saying this is what you did, but the fallout was similar, hospitals, shock and just broken pieces everywhere:( He’s doing better now on antidepressents and working really hard battling his depression. It was a good wake up call for him that alcohol is not the answer and not the path he needs to go down. I hope you can see it that way too. I hope the best for you guys. Keep on the path you know that is healthy for you, we are all on the sidelines cheering you on!

Heather says:

My heart is breaking for you both. I only have one little thing to offer, which is that — if you like music — you might be interested in this band: Cloud Cult. Here’s the page from their website which will show you why:

The fact that you and your wife are fearless about sharing this horrific time with us absolutely blows me away. Your strength to continue on, despite such paralyzing pain and loss is an inspiration to all of “us”. Thank you again for sharing it all. Wishing you and your wife peace today, if only just for a moment.

Valerie says:

I don’t know why but I come here every day to check in and see how things are going with you guys. I want to first say that it is so unbelievable that y’all are so frank and giving in your explanations about what is going on in your lives right now. Even I wonder sometimes why Maddie was taken from this life so quickly so I cannot, by any means, imagine what you must be going through. To not only go through what you did with Maddie while she was in the NICU to now having to deal with her loss is something I for one cannot even comprehend. Yet, the two of you show innumerable amounts of courage, resilience and determination to take each day one step at a time and you should really be applauded for that. Please know that you not only have each other to lean on but all the people who check in with you like I do. I am so terribly sorry for what has happened to you and I hope that each day makes the pain lessen. None of us will ever forget your beautiful Maddie.

april in NJ says:

I read your post this morning and tried to comment… but couldn’t find anything to say. You (and Heather) have been on my minds all morning. I can’t even imagine how life must be for the two of you right now…
But it sounds like you’re ready to deal with the grief and the “what’s left behind” and for that I applaud you. I’m sure some days (probably most) will be harder than hell still… but all you can do is take each minute as it comes. My heart aches for you two so so so so much. It sucks and it’s not fair and it makes me question so many things. How can God (or whoever) let people suffer so? I don’t know, I just don’t know… but hopefully one day all will make sense. Sorry for rambling. Keep writing because we’re all here… your “stranger friends” as other posters have said… and we’re holding you all (everyone in your family) in our hearts every day. But we hold Maddie highest of all. I hope that brings some small measure of comfort. much love from NJ.

Everything I want to say I am sure you have heard a million times over but I wanted to still share that I am thinking and praying for you. I am sincere in my thoughts and prayers for you. I hope and pray that you can gain some peace and reassurance during your healing process!

Mike, thank you for sharing. It couldn’t have been easy for you to share this on the internet. But I think it will help people because what you’re going through? It is HARD and it doesn’t just magically go away one day.

What you are going through is normal in the grief process and it is different for everyone. I am so glad that you and Heather have such a loving support system around you to help you through this.

I truly wish the best for the both of you. I know it’s hard to find any good in life right now, but I truly hope that you will one day build strength between the two of you to continue to hold each other up. I’m glad that you are taking care of yourself Mike, because Heather needs your strength, even if you only have a little to give.
One day you two will find peace in your little girl’s memory. In time. It will be a long, hard road, but one day you will be settled. She is with you every day and she will help you two get through this very difficult road.

Sara Joy says:

JustAMom says:

I cried as hard reading this as I did reading about Maddie’s passing. I am so, so, so sorry – so sorry that sorry just seems like a lame ass word to describe how I feel for you.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. While many comment, it’s probably the ones that DON’T comment that you are affecting the most. You’ll never know who all you touched or whose life you saved. Somewhere out there is a person who too is grieving and feeling as if they want to die, but doesn’t have the outlet you do. You words are reaching THAT person and letting them know they are not alone. Please keep sharing….. not for us, the ones who comment, but for that soul out there who is too wounded and broken to reach out.

I’m so glad you’re home again. What you went through sounds horrific, and I can only hope it’s the low point for you, a place to start climbing up from. I know that climb won’t be an easy one. I think about you guys a lot.

sue says:

perhaps you both should meditate/pray more to God to help you through your grief, go for long walks, do yoga, go to the gym….all this will release endorphins in your body and thus will help you to not remain sad all the time.

take it hour by hour and go to counselling and talk about your grief., go to support groups and be with people who are going through the same that you both are.

Mike and Heather,
Don’t rush yourself into returning to “normal” life. You are both dealing with an unbelievable amount of pain and heartache. Take the time you need.
I’m glad you are ok Mike. As always my prayers and thoughts are with the two of you daily. Much love to you guys.

Ana says:

Mike, you are just amazing. Truly. To go through something so awful and come out of it with a positive attitude about rebuilding is just so admirable. It is not my place to say or feel this, but nonetheless, I feel proud of you. It is much less my place to say this: I bet Maddie would be proud too. I’m sure there will be setbacks, and I’m sure those are to be expected as part of rebuilding. Please know that we don’t expect you to be okay all the time. I’m certain I speak for many when I say that your countless “internet friends” are here to read about the good and the bad, and to support you through it in whatever small ways we can. I’m also so glad you have such a wonderful family and so much support. Thinking of you and Heather so very much. And remembering your beautiful, bright daughter with the joy her infectious grins and intellingent eyes inspire. Hang in there, Mike, we are behind you 100%.

Carrie M. says:

I dont know you Mike, but I am praying for you and Heather. I cant imagine in my wildest nightmares what you two are going thru, but just know that you have people that are thinking of you guys constantly. Maddie was such a special girl, and she had a great dad. Her spirit and your memories of her will live on forever.

Heather says:

Oh Mike, Our thought, prayers and love are with you and Heather and your whole family. Take each day, each hour, each minute as they come. Everyone greives so differently. Im so glad you are home. Im just a stranger / friend who thinks of you and wished you peace.

Jess says:

Totally with you on the don’t announce thoughts of death in public bit. I was in the ER looking for a scrip for some anti-depressants. First mistake. I should have just toughed it out and waited to see a general doctor after the weekend was over. Yeah, I mentioned that occassionally I had thoughts of death, but wasn’t seriously considering acting on them. I was just afraid that I might reach a point where I would consider it, and that’s why I needed drugs. Righto, they ambulanced me straight to the crazy bin, where for the first time in my life I felt like the sanest person in the room. I have learned my lesson. But, I must say, the people I met there filled me with such hope. There are people in the world suffering from such severe illnesses, and I find it so heroic that they’re even trying. You are too Mike. More heroic than I could ever be.

tonya says:

Amy says:

I’ve experienced the bureaucracy and inhumanity of the “mental health” system as a family member of someone who was essentially tricked into checking herself in. I’m so glad you made it through in one piece. What a horrible experience for both of you, on top of everything else.

I haven’t written before now, since we haven’t really gotten to know each other via the blogging world. I’ve followed both of you on All Mediocre, and have commented once or twice on both of your blogs, I believe. I didn’t feel like I had the right to reach out to you, when you had so many other “close” friends/blogging friends, especially since your loss is one I am unable fully comprehend or imagine, as of a loss of a child is so different than other losses many of us have suffered.

I can only offer my deepest condolences.

Mike – I’m so sorry for your breakdown, and am hoping you are able to continue to heal. I know, from the experience of losing others, that the grief doesn’t go away – all we can do do as the survivors is find a way to console ourselves and find a new normal, where the grief becomes manageable.

Heather – You have been a rock through this, at least from what I’ve seen publicly, and I worry for you as well. I’m thankful that both of you have so many wonderful friends and family to hold you up, as you both need this. I’m hopeful, because you have shared your grief so openly, that you are finding the support you need through that.

As I said, please don’t think I feel I “know” what you are going through. I’m only speaking from having lost others. I am keeping you both in my thoughts and prayers.

Sue says:

Mike – I am so touched by your honesty in this post. I can not relate to your circumstances but I can guarantee that if anything happened to one of my children, I would be locked away for much longer than 5 days. You and Heather are so brave and facing so much more than you should ever have to.

Jenn says:

Mike, my heart is just breaking for you guys. I am soo terribly sorry that you & Heather have had this happen to you and your sweet Maddie. I pray for you guys every day and hope that the pain subsides a little bit. I don’t know you guys but have been deeply affected by your pain and loss and wish with every fiber in my body that I could make it all go away for you.

Kate says:

Mike and Heather, Mike I am glad you are home. I know this such a rough time for the both of you. After the loss of my son, my husband turned to drinking and I was in such bad shape myself that I couldn’t be there for him. We started turning on each other and it made it harder for us. I just wanted to make some sense of why we lost our son and my husband was so angry he wanted someone to blame for it. You are both such strong people, just sharing your story shows your incredible strength. Mike and Heather you are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish I could give you both a big hug. Mike, you and Heather will never get over the loss of your beautiful Maddie, but I hope with time things will be better for you and your wonderful wife.

Rachel says:

Oh, Mike, what a brave, brave man you are. Thank you for updating us on what you’ve gone through the last several days. We were worried about you when you went back to work. One of my most fervent prayers for you is that you won’t allow anyone to make you feel ashamed for what happened that day. Your grief is so terrible, so agonizing — you were devoted to your precious Maddie. How could you not fall apart?

Jen says:

(((HUGS))) I have never experienced any sort of loss anything close to what you guys are going thru but I’m sure that you putting your experiences out there is helping others who have felt that sort of pain. Keep sharing with us and know that you are helping others and that you have a huge community of people who are thinking of you and wishing strength for both of you to get through this.

Kristen says:

Dear Mike and Heather – I’ve been following your blog for a couple of weeks now – don’t know how I found it really..it has been bittersweet – but at the same time very fulfilling. I’ll try to explain as best as I can. When I first heard “it is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all” I thought, how terrible, I’d rather not have ever been in love, than to lose love. My attitude and mind started to change as I got older, and changed even more when I saw Steel Magnolias-granted it’s fiction. Finding your blog gives me true understanding of the phrase and I now understand and agree with it so well. I am sure that your lives (and no doubt the lives of countless others) will be more fulfilled and more enjoyable having known and loved little Maddie, if even for a short time. (Please understand, I know that you would rather have her here!) I know the worst feeling in the world is grieving and yearning for her touch – but I cannot empathize, as I have only lost a grandparent suddenly and unexpectedly..but even then, it is a grandparent – not a young child. There is nothing that I can say to make you feel better, nothing I can do…but I hope that years later as the days grow a bit brighter that you can reflect back on that little life and be all smiles as she was, and that the tears will be tears of joy. You had the opportunity to have a special little lady in your lives and make your lives better for a short period of time – it was very unfair to have lost her so young. Though I do not know you all personally, I grieve with you. In some ways which I cannot put into words, Maddie has touched my life. You all (Heather, Mike and Maddie) will remain a part of my life, a part of my thoughts and a part of my prayers. I wish you all Peace and Love.

Jennifer says:

Mike – you and Heather continue to amaze me with your courage,openness, and willingness to share this very raw time. I am so so sorry you had to go through this but am glad that you were able to get some of your feelings out which must have been eating away at you and am glad to know that you’re back home with Heather.

I’ve read this blog for a long time. I’ve enevr commented. Ever. But today, I think I will. I don’t think anyone could blame you for doing what you did. And I think your parents and wife did just what they should. You’re all experiencing this terrible loss together but differently. I think of you and your family everyday. And I will continue to do so. You think of us thinking of you and kwow you’re not alone.

Michele Parker says:

Mike and Heather….so much heartache right now for you…but there is still joy. You have to get through this TOGETHER. Reach out to the other, pray, seek God, and take it one hour at a time. Easier to say than accomplish, I DO understand. More than you know a stranger could. Every day, a pray is said for you and yours. You need to stay together and push through this pain, for Maddie, for each other. But most importantly seek God and faith right now, esp. right now. Give Him your hurts and anger. A stranger in Omaha is keeping you and your family close in thought.

SJ says:

Thank you for sharing such a personal and harrowing experience. My thoughts have been with you and Heather every single day since learning about Maddie’s passing. I have cried many times thinking about what you are experiencing right now.

About 20 years ago my husband’s younger brother passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. He was a healthy and very happy baby, and his passing was a great shock to everyone. My husband was a lot older than his brother, so he experienced the entire horrible experience very vividly, including the fall out afterwards in his family. His Dad took up drinking pretty heavily after his brother died. An understandable response, but one that didn’t help with the grieving, and definitely didn’t help the family to move forward. There were some very very dark days.

I see my in-laws frequently, and from what I can see of their experience, time does offer some healing, at least for them. From the stories I’ve been told, it sounds like there were days when it seemed it was never going to get better. But it did get better somehow with the passage of time. Just day by day, one foot in front of the other. I know that my Mother and Father in-law, like my husband, are forever changed by the death of their son (and brother), but there has been joy and happiness since. My father in-law is not a drunk, and his marriage and relationship with his other son (my husband) has survived. It is amazing what people can get through. I don’t know if this story is of any use at all, but I just thought I’d share it in case it is. Sending hugs your way.

Bryn says:

Mike. And Heather. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Your posts are brave and inspirational. I thank God you have each other and your wonderful parents to support you during this unimaginable time. Your Maddie was so lucky to have you as parents!
xoxo
Bryn

I have a favorite Bible verse that has helped me through some very difficult times. I like to believe that God does not give us more than we can truly handle, and while some things make absolutely no sense and hurt like hell, most of all the loss of Maddie, I hold on tightly to this belief. You are in my daily thoughts and prayers for peace and strength.

“No trial has come to you but what is human. God is faithful and will not let you be tried beyond your strength; but with the trial he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to bear it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13

You have been through so much, I can’t imagine someone going through your lose and NOT breaking. I’m so glad you were able to take something positive out of your hospital stay. That in it’s self takes strength that a lot of people would not have. Thank goodness you and Heather have each other and that you both have the support of family and friends.

I am so sorry to hear this. I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it must have been to try to resume life as you once knew it without Maddie in your life the same way. My heart hurts for you, your wife, and all of those close to you. I just commented on your wife’s post, Pieces, and I did all I could not to ball my eyes out. I hope that you both find the strength to continue down this road together, hand in hand. I will keep both of you in my prayers and pray that you find a peace within your heart knowing that Maddie safe above.

I’m so sorry. That both of you had to go through that and have to go throught this on a daily basis. Nothing I can say can soothe you or make the pain go away. I’m just so sorry that you hurt so badly. It’s not fair. Grief can do strange things to people. Don’t feel that you have to justify or explain yourself. Everyone is different. We’d still all love you guys no matter what.

Jaclyn says:

I am in constant awe of the raw emotion and honesty on this blog. My heart continually breaks for you guys and constant prayers for putting the pieces back together of what will be a new sense of normalcy. Everyone breaks at some point.

Katie says:

I am so sorry for your loss – for both you and Heather. I don’t know either of you aside from your blogs, but I am a parent too and feel an immense amount of sadness for you both.

Please consider going to grief counseling. There is no shame in having someone to help you and Heather get through this.

I have a very strong belief that those that have passed are around us – helping us and encouraging us. I believe they know what we are going through, that they weep for us when we weep, that they are happy when we are happy. I had an experience recently where my four year old told me about my great-grandmother visiting her – I’d only mentioned her name once back in February when she died, but my daughter gave me a detailed account of how she looked and what she said. She even identified her in pictures (she’d never seen her or met her). Even though it was something I believed anyway, it was still shocking to have her tell me about it out of nowhere.

But even if you believe she is with you, I know it doesn’t make up for it. I know you’d rather have her where you can hold her and touch her and feel her – so would I – but I DO believe she is with you. I do. I believe she is near, that she is aware and that she loves and values you more than anything. She is a lucky and blessed little girl to have parents that love her so incredibly much. I hope you can find some comfort through these dark days – no matter what anyone believes about what happens “next”, it is heartbreaking to go through what you are dealing with and it will take time to go through.

I hope I didn’t overstep my bounds in sharing this with you – I just felt like I should.

My heart goes out to you and Heather. I never have words of wisdom, nor can I relate. I just sit at my desk at work and cry whenever I read this blog. I do talk about Maddie to Bayley (my 14 month old) and I’ve sat with her til she fell asleep in her bed instead of letting her cry it out. I pray for you and Heather even though I have never met you. All of you have touched me deeply.

I can’t believe they put you in a psychiatric ward, considering Maddie passed away recently. I mean, don’t they realize that you are in a lot of pain/agony from your daughter, and not really wanting to hurt yourself or anyone else? Anyway, I hope you and Heather can find therapy or other ways to help you grieve and heal, well, heal as best as you can considering Maddie.

Julie says:

What happened is to be expected. What you can’t expect is to pick up the pieces so quickly and move on with your life. I think, under the circumstances, what happened to you could have happened to anyone feeling the grief you are both feeling now. You are too hard on yourself. You are doing what you need to do which is feel everything and not bottle it up. Go easy on yourself and just take one day as it comes.

Mike & Heather,
You have got to be 2 of the strongest people I have ever heard about. I pray for your continued healing and for you to be able to begin to think of Maddie w/o as much pain in your heart as you do today. These “setbacks” are to be expected. We all break at some point. No one is perfect. Keep going. You have so many people behind you and praying for you. Take it one day at a time.
Hugs from a stranger (friend),
Kellie

Mike- You are amazingly brave to talk about all of this they way that you do. Two years ago, a pregnant friend of mine walked into her 14 mo old’s room one morning and he had died in his sleep. He wasn’t sick. He never was. After the funeral, someone handed the father a bottle of tequila. He needed to get away. To escape. Even if it meant an alcoholic coma to get there. Under whatever pretense that it would make it stop hurting so bad for a few seconds.

What the hell do I know about what is “normal” or expected about this shit. You “realize” this isn’t the way to go, that it only makes it feel worse, but I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same thing if it were me. The desire to escape this hurt has to be overwhelming.

You have an amazing support system in your family and in Heather, and in this crazy little internet. Your candidness about your feelings and reactions and actions are what make others who have gone through this (or who, sadly, will go through this) feel less crazy and more “normal”. It happens. The out of control spiral happens. And you wipe off the dust and try again.

There are no “right” words. Just words to add to the pile of spaghetti in your brain. Bouncing around and sticking here and there and processing as you need them. I’m sorry to add to the spaghetti, but hoping that some of the “right” words will settle where they need to…

Thank you Mike for being so candid and so open. I was worried. I didn’t introduce myself at the walk though I wanted to. It didn’t seem appropriate somehow. But, you and Heather are on my mind a lot. I know you have a great support network of family and friends who know you in real life, but should either of you ever need another shoulder or a place to get away to, I’m just down the freeway.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I admire the strength you had to type this. You have no idea how much courage you and heather have given us. You will never know because most people who read this blog you will never meet. But we thank you from the bottom of our lives. Thanks for touching our lives and not making it seem like everyone lives a “christmas letter” perfect life.

Dixie says:

I’m just another of the un-met friends who come here everyday wishing, hoping, praying that you’re both OK. I’m sure everyone of us wishes we knew the right thing to say or do that might be helpful to you. You both, however, are helping people in ways you do not know. I wish you peace and better times ahead.

Oh Mike! Thank you for being so honest. I was accidently sent to a lock-down psych ward once…all I needed/wanted was a prescription for antidepressants. Very quickly I found that all I wanted was OUT…I mean, there were crazy people in there…not people like me. It did give me a great story to share though…

Mike, you and Heather are in my prayers. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Maddie. I have no idea how you are supposed to go on and build a new life. I wish you strength, peace and comfort. Keep fighting, it’s what Maddie would want.

Maggie says:

I have to say, as a lay person, I’m stunned they decided you belonged in a psych ward, under the circumstances. I would have thought they might have admitted you, but to a regular ward, allowing you sleep it off, and then getting you a grief counselor trained to deal with the very intense grief which comes from losing a child. It does, however, sound as if you made the best of a very scary and very dark situation. That you were able to find a light in that dark place is amazing to me. I probably would have gone into the fetal position and just stayed there.

You’re very brave.

If the grief counseling helped you, perhaps you’ll be able to locate a group or counselor who is able, and qualified, to help both you and Heather traverse this tortuous hell you find yourselves in. If there ever was a time to ask for some extra help, this is it.

I pray you both are given the strength and courage to rebuild your lives, as difficult as that is to even contemplate. God bless you both, Mike. Take good care of each other.

Thinking about both of you and hoping you have moments where the pain isn’t as sharp as a knife. So glad you’re home and so sorry you went through what you did at the hospital. Thanks for sharing and being so honest.

Cindy Woodmansee says:

I’ve never know your sorrow, I don’t even know you. I’m just a middle-aged stay at home Mom who started reading your blog through Matt. I will tell you that I think you and your wife are dealing with the loss of your precious baby the best you know how. We don’t have an instruction book on what to do. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Just know that strangers are praying for you and Heather. If there was anything I could do to help you, know that I would in a heartbeat. I’m so, so sorry for your tremendous loss. It’s just too much. Praying that somehow you will get through this together. Blessings, Cindy

anna samantha says:

I have always imagined that this is exactly what I would do if anything ever happened to one of my kids. I feel so blessed that all I’ve had to do is imagine it. There is nothing heroic about sucking it up and going on with life like everything is okay now. It works for some and not others and there is absolutely no timetable for grief. I’m glad you had the release that experience must have brought and that you are looking for the good side. THAT is heroic…I’m so so sorry for your loss.

Stephenie says:

That was the most honest, heartwrenching, amazing piece of a soul I have ever read. Here I am, another stranger amidst the strangers but in the neighborhood of West LA, and you guys have been in my thoughts and prayers every single day since losing your precious baby girl. No words could ever be the right ones, but know that this mama’s heart breaks for you and you are in my thoughts for the strength to get through another second of each and every day.

Krysti says:

Mike, Even though you don’t know me, know that you, Heather and your beautiful Maddy are in my thoughts daily. I wish there was something I could do or say that would make what your family has been through easier. You will continue to be in prayers.

Adriane says:

This is a place I found when my brother passed away. They offer support groups just for parents that have suffered the loss of a child. You might find them incredibly helpful in working your way through the grief.

Kristie says:

My heart goes out to you both. Grief shows its presence in many many different forms, and is different for every one. Just remember to hold on to one another. Just hold on tight to each other and never let go. You are beautiful people. Your lives have touched so many. Thank you for sharing your life with so many. Maddie will forever be in the hearts of the world.

M in NYC says:

although i don’t know either of you, i find you in my thoughts often. if you knew me, you’d know how odd that is…I’m on of those i prefer animals over people kind of persons…but i cant get you both & maddie out of head. i cannot imagine what you’re going through. i will continue to keep you in my thoughts.

julia says:

My morning routine starts with a cup of coffee and reading a few blogs. This morning, after reading yours, I thought about Garth Brooks’s song…..The Dance. Like the thought just came into my head….out of nowhere. Really.
Then I went into my bathroom and turned on the radio before getting ready (again…routine) and Garth Brooks’s song The Dance was the second song I heard.
Uh….what was going on here? This is an old song, hardly ever played anymore.

I just feel like I have to tell you to please listen or at least read the lyrics to this song. Mike, I really cannot express to you how unreal this was for me. To read your blog, think of that song, then hear that song….all within minutes.

The lyrics…

“Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn’t I a king?
But if I’d only known how the king would fall
He who’s to say …you know…I might have chanced it all.

And now I’m glad I didn’t know
The way it all would end …the way it all would go.

Our lives are better left to chance.
I could have missed the pain.
But I’d of had to miss the dance.”

You and Heather had a beautiful baby for 17 short months. But I am sure you wouldn’t have missed that dance with her. In fact given the doctor’s suggestion of the odds of her even making it, you were more than willing to take the dance.

Alexandra says:

I was locked up against my will in a loony bin too, don’t feel bad about it, you had a breakdown and you are entitled to one. You have both been so brave and strong. Sending much love and thoughts that you find the therapy you need.

Kim says:

Barbara Howard says:

Oh dear Mike,
I so understand many of the feelings that led to your feelings last Thursday! In 2006, I remarried my ex-husband who was dying of pulmonary fibrosis. We had been married from 1970 until 1995, and although we were always good friends, we could also be one another’s worst emotional enemy. That, in a nutshell, was what prompted our decision to split. After the tension, we cemented our friendship once again, most importantly because our 3 adult children meant the world to both of us. Together we were awesome parents. And I loved him…probably better the second time around, because both of us knew it was to be finite this time, and so we made amends for all of the pain we had caused one another in our first marriage.
At the same time, my mother, my rock (I am the eldest of 5; our dad was killed in a mid-air collision when I was moved from Texas to Indiana to be nearer to me, because she had multiple health problems, and more importantly, she seemed to be becoming forgetful. It was only after her arrival here that I realized that we had gotten her to consent to living close to one of us just in time–her dementia was much worse than any of us had realized. Mom was a Mensa member; she had finished college and gotten a master’s degree after raising all of us, and had established her own non-profit. She was a passionate advocate for loving children. Her strong intellect became a weapon in her descent into Alzheimer’s. On some levels, perhaps she knew she was becoming forgetful. But when she spoke with us, she hid it so well! That is, unfortunately, until I was around to observe.
In the midst of all of this, I had the feelings that you had last week. I simply wanted to die. The pain of watching (which I had hoped would be helping, but which never felt that way to me) while two of the people I loved (AND LEANED ON FOR STRENGTH) died slow, undignified deaths was more than I could bear. Or at least I thought so at the time. I really didn’t care what lay ahead. I just didn’t want to go through what I could clearly see was in the process of happening.
Like you, I told my doctor on a routine visit that I had lately begun to wish I could die. Her response was not to delve further into the reason I might’ve had these feelings, but to refer me immediately to a “stress center.” As soon as I arrived, I realized this was no simple counseling opportunity. I was asked for my purse and belongings so that they could check for weapons. It was then that the gravity of my situation began to dawn on me. Had I, like you, decided that a drink or two would make things better, no doubt I could never have convinced the sharp intake counselor I spoke with that mine were normal feelings of grief and loss, and that I couldn’t take my own life. And I suppose, fortunately, my husband and my mom NEEDED my help! I didn’t have time then for a complete breakdown.

I’m so sorry you did, but know that I care. There are no easy answers except time, and friends, and the people you love who are still here. Those aren’t prioritized, but time helps me more than anything. Friends and loved ones help me get through the time.

No two people grieve alike, ever. No one judges you and Heather for how you do it. We will all grieve; many of us already have.

Sending you love, and hope for finding minutes or seconds of peace and strength as time passes.

Emilly says:

I am so terribly sorry for all that you have been through. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers just like you are for soooo many others.

I hope neither of you ever feel pressure to “return to normal” because let’s face it, normal doesn’t exist for you right now. But I know you’ll get there, I know that together you can create a new normal for yourselves and until then all you can do is try. I’m sure a lot of things are going to be harder than you expected but as long as you keep moving, keep working, and keep trying, there is no such thing as failure.

Please take care of each other, please take care of yourselves, and please continue to lean on those who care: your friends, your family, and all of us “strangers” that hold you in our hearts.

Laura says:

I love “The Dance” comment. Mike and Heather, I know NOTHING will make your pain go away, but I would like to think that in your darkest hours, the memory of sweet Maddie will comfort you. The lyrics to this song are so powerful- if you had known what would be, would you have signed on to be her Mommy and Daddy? Of course you would, because who would want to miss those wonderful 17 months that you did have? No one can take those away- ever.

All of our lives are better because Maddie is a part of them. She has touched us all.

whitney says:

I don’t know you guys..found your blog from Haiku mama a little over a month ago.

just sending love…lots of love.

I wish your path was different right now, back to the beautiful way it was. I am so heartbroken for you both.
May the blessings from others carry you through.
Someday there will be light again.someday.

Audra says:

I have been reading your blog for awhile and I have desperately wanted to comment for weeks. Since I am a writer and have spent the past eleven years as a high school English teacher I feel like if I am going to comment on someone else’s writing I should have something really original and helpful to say. I’ve wracked my brain and I can’t come up with anything beyond the fact that I’m so, so sorry that you have had to go through this. Both of you seem like really wonderful people. The depth of your grief is a reflection of the depth of your love for your daughter. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

susie says:

There is nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said, but please know that even though I am one of those people “who doesn’t know you” I am thinking of you everyday. You are both so brave to continue to share your feelings in such an honest way. My heart hurts for you with every post. My prayers are with you.

Jean says:

Maddie was loved here. That is the most perfect, simplest description of her entire life– one sentence from either of you, Mike and Heather, is all it takes to convince any one of that. She knew your love every moment of her life.

Maddie was loved here, and she is loved there, wherever “there” might be… and because she was loved here– because YOU loved her here– you go forth with such great capacity to continue to love.

Know for certain, you did a perfect job as her parents every single day, because of that love, and you continue perfectly now… this blog, every moment of your lives both private and public will forever proclaim the most beautiful testimony that Maddie was here.

Amy.Raf says:

I left a comment earlier and wanted to leave another one. Have you heard of Cary Tennis on Salon? I was reading one of his earlier postings and it made me think of the both of you. It is somewhat related and somewhat not but there are gems in this posting:

mom, again says:

Chris in NY says:

My heart goes out to you both. As I said yesterday, I hope you are able to lean on each other to get through these darkest days. Thank you for your honesty. For those of us on the fringe, it’s too easy to walk away after the funeral and assume everything will be “okay” eventually. It’s too easy for the rest of us to flow back into our normal lives. With your raw honesty, we are reminded that there’s more to the story. The pain doesn’t end in a day or a week or a year and the suffering is messy, ugly, impolite, and completely necessary. Thank you for sharing your story.

Leigh says:

I can’t imagine the pain and sorrow you must be feeling right now. I try to picture myself in your shoes and shudder. I’m also so sad to know that at a time like this you and your wife were separated when you need each other so much. You’re doing the best you can and I am sure you’re not alone in turning to alcohol, or anything to help take some of that pain away.
I think of you both every day and wonder and hope that it’s getting just a tiny bit easier.
Many hugs and good wishes to you
Leigh

Suzie says:

You are not alone!! I can’t believe what courage you both have!! Oh my gosh…the pain you both face is unbearable, I’m sure!! WE continue to pray for you all daily!! So glad to hear you are home and got some resources to turn to in order to help with the grief and pain of your sweet princess !!

Katie says:

Hugs, Mike. I am so overwhelmed with feelings for you and Heather right now, wish with everything in me that I could do something to help ease your pain. It sounded like a very scray thing, but I am so happy that you are trying to take something positive from it.

Jane9 says:

I’ve been reading along with all the other “people you don’t know”. Please take care of yourself and Heather. I’ve had serious mental issues and been in a similar place to what you described above. It’s tough. There isn’t any single advice I can give that will make you well but I wish you strength. I believe you will find it.

cj says:

Linda says:

It is all so horrible, I can’t believe what is happening to you and your family. The pain must be more than anyone should have to bear. My heart goes out to you and Heather. I hope you can find comfort in each other, and forget about all the things you “should do”. Your relationship with Heather is the thing that will be most fragile now, please be there for each other.

Death sucks! My husband and I have been where y’all are at. After our first child died (suddenly from SIDS) Neither one of us wanted to live. We were in this horrible wicked place, and it scared me because I thought that was the new “normal” to be this bad off. My heart aches for ya’ll and I don’t even know you. I am leaving y’all the 306th comment, not sure if you will even read this. But, please lean on the support you are getting, we didn’t get that. And I promise, from one grieving parent to another, YOU WILL NOT FEEL THIS HORRIBLE FOREVER! I promise!!! Even though it feels like you will. You two are in my thoughts a lot, and I will not stop trying to support you in this.
Kelley – Mommy to Grayson forever

Corinne Cooper says:

I am not even sure what to say….but if I think about being in your shoes… for even a moment…I am not sure if I could be as strong as you both are being. I just hope you lean on those that are there to love & support you & you find some peace. My heart is truly breaking for the both of you……but you are not alone.

I came across your blog through babycenter and have been deeply touched by what you are going through. I’ve never commented before but I just want you to know that you and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers every day and night. I too am the mother of a baby born premature and when I see pictures of your sweet Maddie it reminds me SO much of my son. We lost my baby sister about 17 years ago and my mother went through many of the feelings you are experiencing. There are still some tough days but she found a wonderful support group and has been doing great. I just want you to know that there IS hope and your beautiful baby girl is smiling down on you everyday. God Bless you.

I just keep thinking how brave you are to document this for the world to know and see. I am sure Heather was beyond distraught with your absence. OMG, my jaw is still open..I just can’t believe what I read. But all is well you are home and safe. Be well Mike, be well.

Meredith says:

denise says:

I left a comment on Mike’s blog but I wanted to add a comment to Heather’s blog as well.

First, Mike and Heather, I will continue to pray for you both, I ask God to give you happy thoughts and good memories first instead of the terribly sad ones. I pray for those sad thoughts to fade away and be replaced with only the smiles and that amazing face with huge blue eyes.

Second, I’m not sure if you realize it, but in addition to all of the wonderful work you have done for March of Dimes to honor Maddie – you have made several hundred, or perhaps thousands of people, face a painful situation in their own lives.

By sharing your hearts you are, in fact, healing others.

Thousands of comments over the past 5 weeks have surfaced painful memories of loved ones lost in an effort to to reach out to you both – and – in doing so, both of your writing has made people release some of their pain to take on some of yours.

While nothing can heal either of your hearts right now – a network of people who love you without ever having met you are lifting you up and, in turn, we are all made stronger.

Heather and Mike….I am so deeply sorry for your pain. Mike, nobody judges you for “cracking”….we just admire you for trying as hard as you can to find your new normal. Sending love and prayers to you both from Canada. xoxoxo

Robin says:

Debi Powell says:

Hi Mike! Glad you wrote on Heathers page to explain things and how you’re doing. I am a complete stranger in Gainesville, Florida who came across your page via another site Matt Logelin (that I also happened to stumble across!) I love your wife page.. and I LOVE looking at Maddies pictures, and watching her in videos. The world has falling hard for Miss Maddie and her precious (but short) life. She has blessed SO many people and will continue to for many years I believe.
Anyway… Yep, Drinking wont cut it! I think we’re all in agreement on that right? I had to laugh a little picturing you eating with a plastic spoon! I am a nurse (peds oncology) and had to do a rotation on that unit… not pleasant I agree. My patient drank his after shave to get a little high from the alcohol! He did have great breath though!!
Lots of love coming your way… today and many months to come. I’ll continue to follow your journey (and Heathers) and pray it becomes one of laughter and not tears in the next year or so. Maddie was something else… something to brag about … and is dancing in heaven (that is my strong belief) right now! I cant wait to meet her someday!! I’ll know her right away!!! Those eyes, that sweet face, and her personality will stand out above the rest.
Hugs to you and Heather… thanks for being so transparent, so real and raw.
I’m praying…..
Debi

I am reading this through tears. Thank you for being so brave and telling us how you feel. I am so sorry this happened to you. Each comment I write on your posts I write is more of the same. I hope you know that though trite, I mean it. I am so sad for you guys. You guys are in my prayers.

I find myself drawn each day to read this blog. I did not read your blog before Maddie’s passing, and yet even knowing the ending to the story, I am drawn to you. I have no children, and therefore can not even imagine your pain, your grief. But you are in my prayers and in my thoughts constantly. I wish that there was something that I could do to ease your pain. All I can do is pray, so I pray. I have no words of solace, no comfort to offer you in this time. If I could, I would carry some of this burden for you, if only to lighten your load for a moment. Please know that there are many people who are thinking of you and praying for you. I hope you find a small bit of peace in knowing that you are not alone.

you are a bravely honest man to acknowledge the truth of how you are doing everything you can to cope with the agony (there are no words to describe it well enough so “agony” will have to do) you bear…it’s so natural to have moments, hours, days when you don’t want your life to go on…but you’re right–no one should EVER say that in public…or at least not at the hospital! i’m glad you’re able to see some of the bright side of being in the hospital for a few days…i wish those places weren’t so inhumane (in general). with much care and remembering maddie’s life…lilly

Denise says:

I admire that you are able to be so open and honest.
I can’t imagine what you are going through and I have no words for you except that I am thinking of you guys constantly.
Please take care of each other.

Jen says:

I think of you both everyday. I am so sorry, so very sorry. Thank you for being so honest. Please take care of each other! I can’t imagine the pain but I hope you will turn towards each other and not away. Love and prayers to you both! XXOO

Kristi says:

Mike… Your willingness to share, your honesty, your desire to receive support and help, and your desire to make a life for you and Heather in spite of your heartbreaking tragedy, are all courageous and commendable. Both your weakness and vulnerability and your strength and courage are so incredibly meaningful and real. Your honesty and courage will surely be an isnpiration to others who are walking the grief path… someday you, too, will be the parent who offers strength and encouragement to those in their darkest hours. Continuing to think of you and Heather each day…

Your raw honesty is straight inspiration. In the midst of your tragedy, please know you are affecting SO many people in positve ways. I am not even sure how I found your blog, but I read it every single day. I have cried for you and you don’t even know me. It is crazy. My heart hurts. And I can’t fathom your lose. But know, through this blog Maddie is living on and bringing smiles to so many. Keep on going, you are doing it, even if it feels like you are not.

Kelli says:

Beth says:

Peace to you both.
I am a therapist and used to work in a psychiatric hospital, now do outpatient therapy.
I work and have worked with many who came in with incredible grief, a feeling that is so overwhelming and seemingly unsurvivable. I have the privilege of walking with many in that grief and watching them create their new normal day by day by day.
Thanks for sharing your story – it will help you to keep sharing with others, whether on your blogs or in person. Take care and let others help you.

H. says:

I hope this doesn’t come off as callous, but I’m glad that you were able to fall apart and yet had the good sense to call people to alert them. Even in the worst state imaginable, you were able to get help. The help wasn’t what you were hoping for, obviously (eek), but that could be the good part. I learned when my father died that grief can’t be skipped, only postponed… and not indefinitely. It’s a horrible and dark place you’re in, but I’m far less worried about you now than I was when you talked about how well you were holding it together. Screw being strong. Just get through the minutes, while your loved ones and strangers take care of the rest.

Mike and Heather, my heart just hurts for you. I wish I knew you in real life so that I could give you both a hug. This is such a powerful post, I know it must have been hard to write. I always appreciate when people are honest about lapses in mental health, because I have dealt with that myself, and I know the stigma that is attached. People get sick in their minds just like they do in their bodies, and there should be no shame in that. And in your situation, I don’t see how anyone could be anything other than sick at heart and mind. I will keep praying for you both, and I hope that you can find some joy in your days soon.

You said you’re reading every one of these 300 comments, so here’s another:

These are things you probably know already, but in times like this it is good to be reminded of the facts:

– Mike, your ending up in the psych ward IN NO WAY means that you are nuts. What it DOES mean is that you love Maddie so much that your system broke.

– The fact that your system broke does NOT mean that it will never work again. It will. It will never be the same, but it will work. It will live, if only for Maddie and Heather. It will love, if only for Maddie and Heather.

– If anti-depressants are not already your friend, MAKE THEM YOUR FRIEND. I would not be where I am today if I didn’t have them. Sometimes you break, and your body chemistry changes and needs help.

I can’t really grasp how horrible it is that you had to go through that on top of your “everyday grief.” Is our society really so inept at dealing with despair that we relegate it to a psych ward?

You both are wrapped in so many peoples’ hearts. Try to let yourselves rest here. Even if it’s just one minute a day. Rest in any way you can.

Mike and Heather-
Your honesty through this process is so amazingly refreshing. I sincerely hope that other parents in your tragic situation, can read and learn from the example you’re setting. I know that seems strange on the heels of this post, but I am, more than ever, amazed at the strength the two of you possess.

Mike and Heather,
Finding your way back to life after the blow you two were dealt is so not a straight path. I think of you both often, and I hope you find solace in some form- I think it’s really natural to go looking for it in a bottle, or other ways that feel like a momentary escape, because who wouldn’t want to numb the pain for a moment? After I lost my first baby (15 years ago, at birth, so I didn’t know her like you know your Maddie) I went on a mission to destroy myself. It lasted a year. It cost a lot of money and involved a lot of chemicals. Then, quite suddenly, I chose. To come back, to rebuild, to see what was left of me…like someone said above sometimes you have to come apart to put yourself back together. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re in, and I hope and pray that somehow you both find ways to keep going through. Much love to you.

Kile says:

Given the circumstances you are totally allowed to fall down. The important thing is you recognized the crisis and reached out to people you know would care. Everyone grieves differently and it sounds like you have been trying to be the “strong one” through this but there is really no such thing as “strong” in this. I agree telling the nurses you wanted to hurt yourself was probably NOT your best moment but it sounds like the experience helped you understand how you are grieving so perhaps it was meant to be.

I want the words to explain, but they aren’t there. I just want to you to know I understand and I know how that must have been so awful for you. I know drinking isn’t the answer, but I also understand that sometimes during grief we make mistakes. Unfortunately, as you know, during that mistake if you say something that can be taken the wrong way it can cost you some freedom and possibly put you in a place where you shouldn’t be and make you have to act/behave in ways that aren’t really how you feel, but are what you need to get out of that place.

This isn’t sounding how I want it to, so just know that I feel your pain and understand. Not that knowing that makes it any better for you, but just so you know you aren’t alone. I know the idea of not being alone in this kind of thing helped me, so I hope it helps you too.

My heart is breaking all over again….gosh Mike please know that you are so very strong and amazing for being Maddie Dad. Heather my love is sent from afar, with many hugs and kisses.
Keep Maddie treasured memories close and near, she was just so beautiful. I wish that I could take your pain away, and make it all better but that’s not possible. You all have touched my heart like no other family and are deep in my thoughts and prays.
Stay safe, stay well and know that there is so many people thinking of you.
The way you both can share your pain just blows me away….Maddie will always be with you no matter what. Her smile sure lights up my world…
I wish i could say the right words but today words are failing me….

Things are always the darkest right before dawn. I have one serious suicide attempt in my past (over things that now seem petty and insignificant) and when I woke up from that night of trying to destroy myself everything seemed a lot better. I really started to appreciate what I had and it felt so good to wake up and be aware and feel alive again. Sure I’ve fallen back down into that dark hole a few times (I was diagnosed with major depression when I was 17 and have been on meds off and on since then), but I haven’t hit as far down as I did that one time.
I can’t begin to imagine how horrible you both feel, but I think talking with a support group could be a good idea.
I’m keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Shannon Kieta says:

Angie says:

Just leaving another comment that I am in that mosh pit of internet friends who have admired you both from afar. I know it’s a weird analogy, but it’s how I feel. I keep reading, lifting my hands in the air to take a little bit of the weight of you in hopes of supporting you . (And yes, a little bit of humor, this makes you two ROCK STARS in my book!!!)

But seriously — I keep praying for you. It’s all I have to give, but I will keep giving it, everyday.

Becky says:

My only advice is to tell yourself to keep going, NO MATTER WHAT. Quitting is not an option so give it no power by thinking about it. No, it’s not easy. There was a time I wanted to die too but realized that I had it in myself to keep going. And so do you. You may not feel it but tell yourself that anyway. Our thoughts become our actions.

JenniferB says:

I’m sorry the most devastating thing in the world happened to you and your sweet wife, and most grateful as I read your stories here to know that you were able to reach out and get help in a dark moment. I cannot truly know what you are going through, although I will continue to believe that the two of you together can and will help eachother into the sun again someday. Never give up — continuing to try is what makes us human.

Suzanne says:

Many of us live under the pleasant delusion that the worst tragedy cannot, and will not, befall us at any moment. You guys know that it can and does. Living with that knowledge — and through the tragedy– is not, as it turns out, a simple matter of just feeling or hanging in there or letting time heal all wounds or believing in God or meditating or getting more exercise or a host of other perfectly reasonable-sounding palliatives. I know from my own experience that psychic pain — even pain that is comparitively much less acute than yours — is messy and persistent.

I have not lived your nightmare, but I am here to read with you and support you in my small way. I’m thinking of you guys, and I’m honored that I get to share in your journey.

I imagine I’d fall apart in a similar fashion. Kudos for holding it together as long as you did. Seriously. I too am honored to read about your journey, and think it is fantastic that you are so open about all of the ways you are grieving…no matter how painful.

Mike, thank you so much for sharing this story. Your blog is an amazing and wonderful thing. I know that reading this will help other people going through the same thing. Sharing what it’s really like, from both your viewpoint and Heather’s, is an amazing thing to do and I think it’s really a tribute to Maddie too. (Hugs)

I wish when I said I’m sending you strength and love you actually RECEIVED strength and love. Either way… to go through what you’re going through, to post here about it, shows that you’re getting serious strength and love from someone. And that’s a good thing. It’s bold, it’s brave, it’s showing people that your heart is broken and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Totally amazing. And I hope you continue to find some comfort through the therapies that work for you.

kathy says:

I’m sorry this trgedy has struck your family. It was incredilbly brave of you to share what happened. How scary for you. I’m glad you were able to get some therapy. I’m sorry you were stuck there after you were ready to leave.

Marti from Michigan says:

This is kind of late as I check in with your blog about every 3 to 4 days.

Mike/Heather,

What happened to Mike is not bad at all. I do say, yes watch what you say in doctor’s offices and emergency rooms. I’m sorry for your difficult experience on the psychiatric ward. I’ve been there myself, when I lost my 28 week baby boy 36 years ago, and things were way worse back then than they are now. I’ve been in counseling for depression a number of times, and as recently as 2 years ago when my mom died and 4 years prior when my dad died!

I’m sorry you had to go through that experience. However, I know it will make you stronger. Today, in this economy in this 21st century moment, I discovered I need God like never before. I hope that happens for you two also.

It might not be a bad idea for you and Heather to go get grief counseling. There is nothing wrong with that at all.

I continue to send my love and prayers from Michigan, another hard-hit state like California. I’m sorry for your difficulties, I’m very sorry you lost your precious little girl. I thank you for sharing her with the world. Please know that Maddie, even though she does belong with you and Heather, IS very happy in Heaven. There are millions of little kids in heaven due to abortion, miscarriage, other infant deaths.

I continue to pray for you and your family and your situation. PUSH: Pray Until Something Happens.

Claire says:

It seems to me a very strange things that the desperate pain and grief of losing a child should be treated in the same way as a mental illness. Who would NOT want to die as a way of finding respite from the sheer horror of it? But there is a huge difference, surely, between wanting respite from the pain, and intending self-destruction, and a system that cannot differentiate between the two fails both. It is indeed a measure of your strength that you could take something positive from it.

My daughter, when she was younger, was very sick. It seemed to me for a long time that she had a very frail hold on life (unlike your Maddie) and I lived in fear of losing her. That time and its horrors passed. This time, for you, will eventually pass, and you will be wiser and stronger. I don’t know how you get throught the next few months to the place where the pain is more manageable, but I hope you both find a way of hanging on.

Meg says:

Norma says:

I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I followed a blog called “Dear Elena” (I’m sorry I don’t know how to link and all that stuff but I’m sure you’ll find it if you google it). It is about a father who lost his little girl suddenly and the pain he went through it all. Maybe it will help to read from the perspective of someone who’s been there. I just want to help a little. God bless you both.