Remember that extra-fishy World Cup match where the Portuguese crushed the North Koreans 7-nil?

Turns out I wasn’t the only who smelled the fish rot. A group of loyal St. Petersb– er, Leningrad Communists were also paying attention and their Central Committee has issued a statement revealing how the Portuguese, pledging fealty to their long-dead Fascist dictator Salazar, cheated the North Koreans of the victory that was rightfully theirs.

For starters, the plot entailed taking several North Korean players hostage. The four best players of the North Korean team were made to practice inside the walls of the American Embassy in South Africa so that the enemy could learn their fierce moves. Also, according to these truth hounds, evil South Koreans — who “did not listen to the instructions of the people’s coach, and refused to fulfill the commandments of Kim Jong Il” — were secretly swapped in for North Koreans at the last minute. These pawns of the world bourgeoisie simply let the goals in one after another. (The North Koreans, of course, never caught on, not even after the sixth goal was purposely let through by the South Koreans.)

And, my personal favorite, the real reason why the North Koreans were trounced by the fascists:

“The loss is explained by the fact that the artless soccer players of sunny DPRK ate only rice and fruit in order to stay in shape” — !!! — “while the Portuguese hourly pumped themselves with doping from frightening syringes.”