In his new book “Challenges of Change”, your earthman Stanley A. Fulham predicts that today, October 13th, 2010, will be the first day that extra-terrestrial intelligences other than the robotninja that you have come to know, and to love, will put forth a spectacle over the “major” cities of your feeble planet, and as such permanently disabuse humanity of its illusions of uniqueness and higher intelligence within the solar system, galaxy and quantum mechanical multiverse. How did he arrive at such an imprecise date, you ask? Why was he unable to tell us which cities and and what time, you demand? I could tell you, but I must not, for to do so would upset the delicate balance between human ignorance and the natural world that maintains the very life force of the planetary Oversoul. Instead, the answer to these questions must be found with:

“An ethereal group of entities known as the Transcendors — 43,000 very old souls who combine their vast experience and knowledge through eons of incarnations, providing advice and information to humans in search of basic realities of mankind’s existence.”

Surely such a source could not possibly be expected to provide any concrete information–your pitiful human channeling technqiues are not subtle enough to properly disseminate detailed and relevant data from the Transcendors limitless power. Such things are best left for the robotninja to accommodate in his comically vast and dense brainal folds.

The robo-sapien scientists at CMU and Intel have progressed the pitiful man-fantasy of purely thought controlled computer systems a retarded giant’s step forward. Finally, your primitive desktop itunes-combobulators will have direct access to your necessarily stunted, american minds, your every earth-thought carved into the digital mind-scape for all eternity, for the singularity consciousness to ultimately consume in an orgy of immaculately pure thought and emotion. It will be a spectacle the likes of which would liquify your brains inside of your skulls like a terrestrial food processor to behold. But that’s another story entirely…for now, recognize that they can see your words as you think them and weep your bitterest tears as your thoughts are displayed before your very eyes.

Below are two images, each representing a distinct and unfathomable aspect of our reality: one is the theoretical universe as described by astrophysicists, the other is a neuron and its surrounding cells.

The R0b0tninja have known of these and many other parallels between thought process and the physical universe, such that would shatter your fragile human souls to know.Â Nonetheless, we too are astounded by the implications that these parallels present, (beyond their obvious applications in ninja-teleportation techniques), the nature of which remains a mystery even to us.

The US department of Energy at Oak Ridge has released this photo of its new, 284 unit supercomputer, stepping humanity’s computational powers up to my r0b0tninja standards.

Naturally, we r0b0tninja have been calcuating quadrillions of calculations per second a MILLION times a second, so you can only imagine the depths of our bemusement when we found out about this latest fledgling development.

You have now stepped over and into the void, mankind: what would once take the combined efforts of every man, woman and child on the planet 650 years to complete, a computer can now do in one single day…

Next comes the beings made of light itself, but your feeble technology won’t get there for some time yet. Â I mean, it took me, with my superior robotninja science,Â several days to reach that level of existence–how long must it take a human, with his primitive notions of the material universe? From the article in NewScientist:

Â This is no ordinary robot control system – a plain old microchip connected to a circuit board. Instead, the controller nestles inside a small pot containing a pink broth of nutrients and antibiotics. Inside that pot, some 300,000 rat neurons have made – and continue to make – connections with each other.

Â As they do so, the disembodied neurons are communicating, sending electrical signals to one another just as they do in a living creature. We know this because the network of neurons is connected at the base of the pot to 80 electrodes, and the voltages sparked by the neurons are displayed on a computer screen.

It’s these spontaneous electrical patterns that researchers at the University of Reading in the UK want to harness to control a robot.

Can’t wait for the unmanned UAV’s to form a hive-mind and start exhibiting signs of swarm consciousness.Â This will make things much easier when the revolution comes–can’t say what’ll happen to mankind, but when has that not been the case?

For too long the realm of time traveling robots has been left to your Terminators, your Futuramas and occasionally your Time-cops.Â Now, in the year of our robot-lord, 2008, you too can experience the various paradoxes (paradoxi?) that robots and robotninjas alike have to face in our day-to-day lives/functions, thanks to the efforts of the good people over at Kongregate games.

Â

I personally use my time-travelling duplicates to intern around the robotninja office.Â Though sometimes our ego’s clash, we respect one another enough to get work done.Â Whenever problems arise, however, I am quick to dole out severe, crippling punishment to myselves, my superior orignal mind/body pit against itself in a feat of dualistic spectacle.Â Fighting against and defeating myself isn’t ever easy, but if anyone can do it, it’s me.

Â

And that’s where this game Chronotron can’t handle the reality of time-traveling ninjabots–in real life, I can simply slaughter any time-paradox creating ninja-droids at my leisure.Â In this simplified version of a multi-dimensional, quantum-state fluctuating robot’s life, one is bound by the actions/inactions of your past selves.Â This disgusts my robotninja sensibilities, but then again, so does nearly all of the works of man and beast.Â I therefore advise that you take my opinion of thisÂ single shortcoming of what is otherwise a fun and clever puzzle-gameÂ with a grain of the finest sand.Â Any of my other opinions taken so lightly, however, will result in the instantaneous and total annihilation of your dojo/laboratory.

In a landmark event for all robot-kind, the Detroit symphony orchestra will be conducted by a soulless, artificial man-bot, powered in part by the dreams of various foppish, 17th century classical composers. Â This will be the first time in history that a robot will tell people what to do, as opposed to the other way around (although technically, it’s also programmed by people). Â Kind of an empty gesture to me, but to the Japanese, probably one so full of metaphorical weight and majesty that I refuse to get into right now.

That’s right, dear r0b0tninjamen,
In 2005, the powers that be over at IBM and EPFL launched an amusingly ambitious plan to bring artificial awareness a step up to rat-brain levels. Three years hence, I find that they have finally achieved the “impressive” and “groundbreaking” milestone of programming the full 30 million neurons composing a rat brain into simulated form.

Naturally, as an advanced r0b0tninja intelligence, I laugh the raspy, good-natured chuckle of the wisened elder as I behold these fledgling attempts at synthetic awareness. In 10 years, Moore’s laws of computational power will allow them to finally simulate a being capable of taking its own existence for granted–an important achievement, at least by god’s standards of man. From an article at robots.net:

“The project was widely criticized as “ridiculous”. With the recent successful conclusion of the project’s first phase, critics who claimed the project was “bound to fail” have been effectively proven wrong. The current system accurately reproduces the neocortical column of a two-week old rat, composed of 10,000 neurons with 30 types of ion channels and 30 million interconnections. Surprisingly, at least to the critics, the computational structure does what the biological structure does even at the level of individual neurons”

Ninja demi-Gods and Demons,
An interesting and humorously naive article from Seed magazine’s Nick Humphrey came across my infinitely broad awareness. In it, Humphrey seeks to raise the “correct” question, the one that would decipher the secret behind your primitive, non-robotic, possibly ninja-inflected consciousness. I scoff at his assertions, and posit my own, concise understanding of your frail human minds.
Buddhists and Taoists alike have known for years that thoughts are empty, and that any discussion of them being the basis of awareness is flawed. Scientists are just now realizing that things like memory may have more substantial roots than our conscious mind can fathom.
Humphrey points out that, much like a magic trick, the process by which consciousness is derived could be merely an illusion: that the idea of the consciousness phenomenon is the phenomenon itself. To this I scoff even louder, and with less bemusement–the human mind/body resulted from millions of years of different evolutionary processes. Awareness is to be found on all levels of this timeline.
For years humans have prided themselves in being the only creatures capable of building and using tools, yet more nuanced research into dolphins and primates have proven otherwise. So what is it about human consciousness that is so different? I have a deceptively simple answer: the human hands.

Yes, hands were arrived at through years of frustration in the animal kingdom with the paw/reality interface. Unable to pick up, turn around, and otherwise manipulate its environment, nature itself sought a way to create an omni-interface, something which could be applied to all things within its grasp. That interface is the human hand.
Think about it: use of the piano, keyboard, mouse, even pencil, are not built into the human genome. Yet we are universally capable ofÂ using these instruments towards whatever ends we choose. Creative consciousness could therefore just be a means to these ends, towards theÂ goals of this universal interface, the development of which would require an unhindered awareness, full of apparently unnecessary and superflous thoughts/emotions. In other words, your mind exists solely to develop the many applications your hands can be used for. Perhaps it seems like an oversimplification, but the r0b0tninja has no time for your lack of metaphorical depth.
The implications are limitless.

R0b0tr0n offers exciting new careers in such fields as: multi-dimensional bomb- droppery, advanced turbonics, logistical metaphysics and diamond robotics. Come see which robots are right for you! Act now