7/14/2016

The Republican Party finally released its speaker list and general schedule for its national convention, which starts Monday in Cleveland (motto: "Dear God, let us survive this"). It's an unsurprising list of minor celebrities, craven politicians, and an assortment of dicks and assholes, all ready to go fuck themselves at a word from their nominee, Donald Trump. Here's a look:

Night 1: A "Benghazi focus," with the corpse of Ambassador Christopher Stevens propped up in a chair as Melania Trump, in a Hillary Clinton mask, lap dances it. Then two security officers who survived the attack in Libya will be allowed to gun down a Muslim chosen at random from the streets of Cleveland. Melania Trump, in a hijab, will give them a lap dance to celebrate their triumph. Rudy Giuliani will show up to play "Creepy Uncle Rudy," the lonely divorced guy who weeps while masturbating in the kids' room while the children are asleep, telling himself it's not wrong. Then we shift to immigration, where border patrol agents will wrestle each other over which one of them hates Messicans more and how much a wall would be awesome. Finally, Jamiel Shaw will speak. His son was killed by an undocumented immigrant in 2008, which would have been during the presidency of George W. Bush, a Republican. But he's black and supports Trump. Two lap dances from Melania for him.

Night 2: It's economy night: Everyone in attendance will be given a poor person to feed and care for for the night. If you keep the poor person alive until the end of the evening, you get a gift bag. If your poor person dies under your watch, like if you drop them on their head or leave them in your car without a window opened, you still get a gift bag, but you have to pretend you feel bad about taking it. What you don't have to feel bad about is that the poor person will receive hospital treatment because Ohio is one of the few states led by a Republican that took the Medicaid expansion. The evening will conclude with Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell slowly strangling adorable hedgehogs, their horrible squeaks echoing throughout the hall as the gathered delegates hope the animals die quickly, just to end it. Everyone gets a scholarship to Trump University, as long as you buy at least one course package.

Night 3: Guns and penises: Eric Trump will come on stage and slowly fellate an AR-15 held by his Klonopinned to the gills wife. A presentation on Bill Clinton's dick will feature reenactments of his Oval Office shenanigans. There will be a raffle to see who gets to put a cigar in pro-golfer Natalie Gulbis's snatch. Ted Cruz will speak about how God has forsaken him and he will now become a male prostitute. He will offer his services, but no one will take him up on it. When Cruz is done, everyone will get a chance to punch Newt Gingrich in the dick. The evening ends with a command to the delegates from the NRA to shove the barrel of their concealed handguns up their assholes until they feel pleasure take over the pain. So much blood, shit, and semen will stain the floor that the night will end early. Anti-choice activists think that's their cue, but they will be sent home without being allowed to speak.

Night 4: The coronation of the Trump: Donald Trump will be presented, nude, covered in oil, to the writhing hordes who have been engaged in unholy congress due to the ecstasy and acid that the Trump water bottles were laced with. "Who dares challenge me?" Trump will cry out as he is surrounded by virgin Asian boys who constantly massage his balls and rub the oil into his flesh with meat from Trump steaks. Ivanka will place a crown on his head and, taking his penis in her hand, lead her father to the lectern where he will demand human sacrifice. Reince Priebus will offer his heart for the eating, and Scott Baio will carry out the ritual. Trump will decline the heart and, instead, command Chris Christie to eat it, yanking on his nipple chains to bring him forth. Chachi will fist the bent over Christie as he gorges on the bloody organ. Bathed in light, Trump will ask for ten, no, twenty, no, okay, let's make it ten hot women, not pigs, to be brought to his suite so that he can interview them for unpaid internships. The lights will go out suddenly and, when they come on, Trump will be gone, his swastika-emblazoned helicopter already flying him away from Cleveland. His biker troops will use fire hoses to chase out the remaining delegates. The body of Reince Priebus will be left to rot and be eaten by rats.