Monday, April 02, 2007

A television pilot is being created based on the Geico cave man commercials because the whole world is going to hell. It will undoubtedly bomb and cost the studios a lot of money. But hey, after Jesus rose from the dead and Wild Hogs became a $200 million hit, anything’s possible. In other news of bad television ideas, ABC is planning to air the pilot for their supposed Grey’s Anatomy spin-off (with Addison headlining) in May. The first hour will be Grey’s Anatomy and the second hour will feature Addison leaving to join another hospital staff including C-list actors Taye Diggs, Timothy Daly and Merrin Dungey with the best roles they'll ever be offered.

Moving on to hospital news we actually care about, numerous reports indicate that ER star Goran Visjnic (Luka Kovac) will be leaving at the end of this season. Though rumors claim the producers will have him back for a few episodes next season to resolve his current plotline with Maura Tierney. Much like Noah Wyle and Julianna Margulies, we wish you the best of luck in straight-to-video land, Goran.

Fear Factor host and unfunny comedian Joe Rogan called out Carlos Mencia at a comedy club on stage a few weeks ago. The topic: Mencia stealing material from other comedians. According to Rogan and a handful of other comedians including George Lopez, Mencia has been stealing bits from other people’s acts for years. Rogan even went as far as to say (on his website which also includes video evidence) that comedians have a secret sign they use to warn each other of Mencia being in the audience during their shows. All of this information would be a whole lot more interesting if Joe Rogan were actually funny.

After over a month of agonizing scrutiny, the autopsy results of Anna Nicole Smith were finally concluded and she died of… drug overdose. NO FUCKING SHIT! Did an autopsy even need to be done? There were so many drugs in that chick you could still get high off her cremated ashes. Now, can we finally move on to something more important? Like the Iraqi war or the Britney Spears divorce?

MUSICMarie Osmond is getting divorced from her husband, and I’m shocked that this even made news headlines. Didn’t know you were still alive there, Marie. Say hello to Donny for me. We all know you dumped your husband for him. Apparently incest is the way to go these days for a career boost.

Snoop Dogg was denied a Visa to England because the country doesn’t like his image. He was planning to tour for the next two weeks abroad with a team of musicians, but was not allowed access into the country. This probably had to do with the fact that he was armed with multiple 9mms and smoking a joint when stepping off the plane. Just an assumption.

Justin Timberlake blames celebrity magazines for turning his personal life into juicy gossip. "I despise what they do," the 26-year-old singer tells Details magazine in an interview in its April issue. "They create soap operas out of people's lives. ... It's a spin game, and I choose not to take part in it." Except… you are… taking… part… in it… by… talking… about it.. Once a musician, always a retard. Speaking of which, Kevin Federline gets $1 million out of divorce settlement from Britney despite signing a pre-nup that said he would be getting far less. Because this is America dammit, and in America- lowlife, white trash, poser rappers can just fail upwards by sitting on the couch all day.

MOVIESBurger King is looking toward the silver screen as they combine with a major studio to produce a live-action feature film on the uncomfortably creepy plastic King from the commercials. This just in- there is no God. Moving on. A stand-alone film entitled “Machete” is already in the works based on a fake trailer featured in between the two Grindhouse flicks opening this weekend. This is because nothing is more entertaining than Danny Trejo slashing countless extras and banging numerous hookers in the process.

Major studios have been battling for the rights to “Forrest Gump 2: Keep Fucking Running God Dammit” for years now, and apparently the rights have finally been secured and the sequel is moving forward. No word yet on whether or not Tom Hanks or his mullet will return, but word on the street says the book sequel is actually pretty decent. I’ve lost all faith in Hanks and my own life after this year’s monster disaster “The Da Vinci Code” and I’m probably going to cry about it later.

In other news of the completely unnecessary, a remake of Escape From New York is in the works, with Gerard Butler (300) starring and Neal Moritz (Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift, Stealth) producing. This has apparently infuriated Kurt Russell who doesn’t want his Snake Plissken legacy fucked with… and neither do we. Michael Bay’s Summer epic Transformers was given an R-rating, probably for “Ridiculous, Robotic Violence.” But executive producer Steven Spielberg owns the MPAA (they’re all Jewish and he made Schindler’s List bitch) and told them to change the flick back to a PG-13. They obeyed their master immediately.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Michael Richards is a racist, but apparently that’s the way to go. His star has never shined brighter, even during his Seinfeld days. I really hope Frasier calls a Mexican a “wet back” soon so people will pay attention to him again. Not to mention Mel Gibson is still out there fussing about the Jews because of course, his movie is coming out this week. What timing these bigots have.

Danny DeVito gets drunk and goes on The View. He spends most of his time bashing Bush, and has the audacity to skip over Barbara Walters being older than Jesus, and Rosie O’Donnell being an obnoxious cow. Shame on you, Danny. Though granted if I looked like Danny DeVito and haven’t made a good movie in a decade, I would be drunk 24 hours a day.

Prison Break actor Lane Garrison (Tweener) was involved in a car accident in LA which resulted in the death of a 17 year-old boy. While early reports indicate alcohol was to blame, Garrison shows no signs of worry, for if he gets sent to jail Michael Scofield will soon break him out. In other tragic news, The OC actors Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson have officially split. Neither actor has commented about the reasons behind the break-up, but the public has a pretty good indication that the cancellation of their show had something do with it. What’s that? The OC is still on???

NBC’s Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip has just been picked up for a full season. Why? Because it’s a damn good show, that’s why. If you haven’t tuned in yet, you’re simply going to hell. Monday nights at 9pm after Heroes. Be there.

MUSIC

Amid reports that they had the healthiest marriage imaginable, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline called it quits earlier this month. Miraculously, within 48 hours Spears lost 200 pounds and appeared on The Late Show to show off her new bod. Since then she’s been flashing her beaver all over town with Paris Hilton. Do all these stupid whores have the same publicist? First Hilton, then Lohan, now Spears? Whenever they’re not front page news anymore they open their lips when no one asked them to. I know what genital herpes looks like, thank you.

Speaking of STDs, after just four months of marriage, Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from Kid Rock placing the couple in the “No Shit, Sherlock” category. In other depressing news, despite reports that Keith Urban is out of rehab, it turns out he’s still a junkie after all. While photographers caught glimpses of Urban and wife Nicole Kidman eating lunch, apparently they were just taking a break from “Hollywood Rehab” where people can leave whenever they want to go have a drink or score some more drugs. All of this is in violation of a pre-nup contract Kidman had Urban sign that says if he ever goes back to rehab, she’s entitled to everything. She needs to divorce him, get depressed again and win another Oscar. Surely that will make her feel better.

MOVIES

According to Frank Darabont, Indiana Jones 4 will probably never happen thanks to the Almighty George Lucas, who didn’t like Darabont’s script despite Steven Spielberg praising it. All of us film geeks have been under the impression that the film was being re-written under a new writer, but during an interview with Darabont earlier this month he claims that Spielberg and Lucas will probably never reach an agreement. Hmm. Saving Private Ryan or Attack of the Clones? You decide.

In other bad sequel news, Eddie Murphy is going ahead with plans to make a Beverly Hills Cop 4. No word yet on whether any of the animals in the movie will talk. Beverly Hills Cop 4 will be rated G and probably produced by Disney. Whenever Wesley Snipes returns to the US he will be going to jail. According to a federal judge, Snipes is hereby ordered to turn himself in for tax fraud. The judge also claimed that if Snipes returns and does not turn himself in, Tommy Lee Jones will be unleashed to hunt him down.

Legendary director Robert Altman died last week. There’s no joke here, this just makes me sad.

A judge has sentenced a young man to jail for movie piracy. The man, who three years ago recorded the movie The Core with a camcorder inside a theater, will spend seven years in prison making this the harshest punishment ever for movie piracy. In a statement released by the judge: “He recorded The Core. That’s the shittiest movie anyone could have ever picked and he’s going to jail for it.”

Sunday, December 10, 2006

There is only one filmmaker out there today that has the ability to repeatedly churn out decent chick flicks. Her name is Nancy Meyers. And not only has she written flicks like Private Benjamin, Baby Boom and Father of the Bride, she’s also the girl behind the camera for What Women Want and Something’s Gotta Give. Meyers is also known for high budgets, glamorous set pieces and recruiting A-list stars. But sadly, The Holiday is Meyers’ weakest movie to date.

The Holiday is a classic example of giving a filmmaker way too much power and money. This flick reportedly cost about $90 million, probably thanks to 4 A-list stars. However, the movie’s weaknesses don’t lie with the stars, it lies with the story. This seemingly simple plot-line could’ve been played out in about 90 minutes, but instead its stretched severely to 2 and a half hours of mostly sheer nonsense. On top of this, the screenplay follows no structure whatsoever. In plain terms- its all over the place. The movie doesn’t know where to go so it goes everywhere, in all different directions. First, we have an attractive movie trailer editor (Cameron Diaz) that swaps houses with an English journalist (Kate Winslet) over Christmas break. Both women are running away from heartache in search of a new beginning. Then enter the men. Diaz falls for Winslet’s brother in England (Jude Law) while Winslet falls for one of Diaz’s friends back in LA (saving grace Jack Black). While it would seem wise to bounce back and forth between both story lines, Meyers pays no attention to balance, spending 30 minutes on one couple, 10 on the other, 40 back on the other, so on and so forth.

Unfortunately, an enormous amount of time is spent on the least interesting couple- Diaz and Law. There was nothing remotely interesting about either of these characters excluding the fact that they’re cute to look at. I don’t mind either actors, except that Diaz sometimes comes off as an annoying ditz and no matter what character Law is playing, he comes off as an arrogant prick (as he is in reality) even if he’s portraying a selfless person. But the real spark of the movie is Kate Winslet and Jack Black. Winslet can out-act any actress in Hollywood today, and Black is the only person that puts the “comedy” in this so-called “romantic comedy.” Without these two, the movie would be completely lifeless. Sadly, their performances only bring the movie to a sub-par level.

The Holiday isn’t Christmasy enough to be considered for the holidays or funny enough to be considered a romantic comedy. Its far too long with too many pointless sub-plots (what did the old screenwriter dude have to do with this story???). I would compare it to a Christmas turkey (no pun intended)… the fat needs to be trimmed and the middle needs to be stuffed with some humorous goodness. Save for Winslet and Black, The Holiday should be reserved for next year on home video.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Oh how I wish there was some kind of escape clause for this flaming piece of shit. World-renowned scholars wouldn’t be able to describe how hard this movie blew. And do you know how bad you have to fuck up a Christmas movie for me to hate it?

The movie stars two comedians who haven’t been funny in ten years. Tim Allen must suck a mean dick because the man still gets his horrendous projects green-lit. To tell you the truth, I really dug the first two Santa Clause movies. Much like the Pixar flicks, the writers managed to make two family holiday movies with a little something for both kids and adults to enjoy. The second flick got a little more childish, but there was the cutesy love story for adults. This is part 3’s biggest flaw- its all kiddie games this time around. If you think that reindeer farts are funny, then this is your dream come true. This movie was written for five year-olds and quite possibly written BY five years olds as well. There is very little excitement on the screen and very few laughs to be had if you’re old enough to pee in the toilet.

Tim Allen stars as Scott Calvin, aka Santa Claus (duh!). After impregnating Mrs. Claus (why couldn’t that scene be in the movie?), Scott has the in-laws flown up to the North Pole for emotional support when the baby arrives. But guess what? The baby is due on Christmas Eve! Didn’t see that coming you fucking cliché idiots! Anyway, apparently there’s a rule that Scott can’t let anyone outside of his immediate family know the truth about who he really is and about the North Pole. So the elves get together and disguise the joint as a small Canadian town. Forget that they’re all midgets. Forget that everything is Christmas-themed. Forget that everyone works in a gigantic toy factory. Forget that Calvin looks like Santa Claus. Because apparently the in-laws were fooled pretty darn well! What great writing this is! Eat shit and die.

This movie also has some false advertising going on. The trailers make it out to look like Jack Frost (the dreadfully unfunny Martin Short) is on a mission to become the new Santa. While this is the case, this plot line only takes place for twenty minutes of the film. During this time, Frost tricks Scott into using “the escape clause” in which he is sent through a portal to where he would be now if he had never became Santa. These twenty minutes are the only entertaining moments of the movie as Scott witnesses what his life would be like if the events in the first movie had never taken place. He’s estranged from his son. His wife is nowhere to be found. His ex-wife and Neil are divorced and depressed. And worse off, Frost (now the new Santa) has turned the North Pole into a tourist attraction. These brief events are what the whole movie should’ve been about. That’s what the trailers advertised anyway, and it would’ve been a much more entertaining movie had this been the major plot instead of the ridiculous in-laws shit.

Anywho, there is one redeeming quality of humor in the form of Judge Reinhold. I always dug his character Neil and the type of comedy he brought to the first two flicks. Though a bit forced at times, Reinhold hits his mark well, especially when his character gets to visit the north pole. And kudos to the producers for getting ALL the actors back from the first two flicks. These three films put together have 12 years in between them, and it must’ve been a hell of a job talking everybody into coming back. Waitaminute… all these actors are doing jack shit. I bet even Reinhold just sits at home waiting for them to call him for another Santa Clause movie. And how in the holy hell did they get Ann Margret and Alan Arkin to sign on to this script??? That must’ve been one hell of a paycheck they cashed.

Besides Judge Reinhold and a somewhat entertaining third act, The Santa Clause 3 misses the mark in all aspects of filmmaking. Even for a kiddie movie its an extremely weak and lifeless script, giving us a film that is destined to go down in flames with other shit-storms as Christmas with the Kranks and Jingle all the Way. I hope the real Santa takes a big nasty dump in the producers’ stockings this Christmas. Then perhaps they’ll get a whiff of their own product.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The Emmy nominees were announced last week. Leading the pack are fan favorites 24 and Grey’s Anatomy. Both Lost and Desperate Housewives- who have dominated the Emmys for the past two years- were both shut out of all major awards. Not ONE stupid whore from Housewives got nominated. Could this mean I’m actually going to enjoy the Emmys this year without seeing a drunken Teri Hatcher trip over her own saggy boobs? Speaking of Desperate, the day after the show discovered they were shut out, producers released a statement saying that the next season is going to be much better than the previous yawn-fest. They even mentioned that there is an upcoming episode involving a hostage situation where one of the main characters is killed off. If its anything like Survivor, the most annoying will be the one voted off… this could be the most difficult decision in the history of man.

ER has a new retarded plan to boost ratings this year- they’re splitting their season in half. The first half will be shown from September-Christmas with consecutive episodes, then they will return in April to finish out the season, making way for a new shitty show to take its place in between. But Uncle Jesse has joined the cast so they’ve already lost their core viewers. Kevin Bacon is lined up to direct the season finale of The Closer, as he is Kevin Fucking Bacon and he can do whatever he wants. This will be the eighth time he’s worked with his wife (star Kyra Sedgwick) and the third time where Bacon directs her. Unless they’re counting the bedroom where he has directed her to choke on his bacon more times than anyone can count.

Star Jones is leaving The View, leaving some much-needed weight support on the stage for Rosie O’Donnell. I never really found Star Jones to be all that famous, yet where-ever I turn I see her in the news. Why? Listen honey, people don’t care what you have to say anymore than we do the Housewives girls. You may be a lawyer, but you’re also fat. Wait a minute, you had all those surgeries and now you’re skinny, right? I liked you better when you were blocking the sun. At least then you would make the front page of Weight Watchers Magazine. Happy eatings you shriveled prune!

On the opposite end of the spectrum, anorexic whores Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, who have somehow managed to stay on the same show while ignoring each other, have decided to make amends publicly on Letterman in September. After a ten minute make-out session, they will compare anorexic stomachs on live television as Paul Shaffer will be the only one spared of this horrific event (he’s blind right?). Meanwhile, Letterman will just stand there laughing with his old self while silently figuring out how he’s going to stay alive until his son’s pre-school graduation.

MUSIC

Lance Bass is gay. What a shocker. A member of a boy-band… gay? MADNESS! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- the most popular boy-band on the planet has yet to be discovered. The first time five guys get together and openly admit that they’re gay and blow each other on a regular basis, THAT will be the most successful boy-band of all time. Hell, they could even have a catchy name like- Circle Jerk. This is why the Backstreet Boys are still in the closet- they only bang each other. But after Ellen, when your career is going down the shitter all you have to do is tell the world that you’re gay and you’re back on top… of men. Come on, now. His name is LANCE people and his last name has ASS in it.

MTV turned 25 yesterday marking its 10th year of running a music-less network. According to the company, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” is still the most-watched video of network history, probably because it’s the only video where he’s still black. Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson kicked off the first stage of their White Trash Wedding Tour this week. Their plan is to marry four times in four different locations, starting on a yacht. And we all know what happens when Pam gets drunk on a yacht. Bad things happen- like Tommy Lee’s kids.

While we’re talking about the skankiest sluts imaginable, Carmen Elektra is divorcing rocker-husband Dave Navarro. Didn’t see that one coming at all. They were my rock in Hollywood, that true couple that I really expected to make it. How is Carmen Elektra still famous again? Does she have a television show that no one knows about? Speaking of break-ups, Prince filed for divorce from his second wife this week. And get this- the blatant homosexual singer has DENIED being married to her for nearly the past decade. I guess the cat’s out of the bag now you crazy fruit you. Hey Prince… Lance Bass is single.

MOVIES

Pirates of the Caribbean became the biggest movie opener of all-time and Lady in the Water became Shyamalan’s biggest flop of all-time. You mean Paul Giamatti can’t sell a movie? Just look at Sideways and its $800 opening. Colin Farrell’s stalker takes things to a whole new level by charging the stage during a taping of Leno. Apparently she was trying to serve him court papers- AGAIN. The woman had attempted to sue him for stalking her via phone calls and emails last year and now she’s at it again. Yet when you go to this woman’s website you’ll find that she’s written a book on Farrell and even created an alcoholic drink named after him. Hey crazy lady- Prince is single.

Warner Brothers announced yesterday that Heath Ledger will be playing the Joker in the upcoming sequel to Batman Begins. They also released the official title- “The Dark Knight.” I was shocked. I was rooting for “Brokeback Batman.” Catchy, yeah? In other superhero news, with all the excitement of Aquaman on the fictional television show Entourage, life may soon be imitating art. The show has James Cameron directing a big budget Aquaman movie with fictional character Vincent Chase as the star. But with all the buzz going around and the fact that the recently released Aquaman pilot became the most watched event on You Tube ever, rumors are all over the place that a big budget movie is on the way. The best rumor yet is James Cameron contacting Mark Wahlberg (show creator) and saying “why don’t we really do an Aquaman?” Sure, everyone forget the fact that Aquaman would make a shitty movie and that Cameron lost his mind a long time ago. Although, anything to do with putting gay men under water really floats Cameron’s boat. Perhaps it will really happen.

While we’re on the subject of directors losing their minds, Mel Gibson was arrested for a DUI last week. No big deal, right? Actors get DUI’s all the time. But then Mr. Gibson just had to release a long statement claiming he’s been an alcoholic for a while and that he’s hanging on by a thread. Gee Mel, the whole thing would’ve blown over if you had just held back. Eager to get back on the front page, are we? Throwing fuel into the fire, the police released their official statement to the public on the incident. It states that Gibson shouted tons of anti-Semitic and sexist remarks in a drunken rant such as “the Jews are responsible for all the problems in the world” and calling a female officer “sugar tits.” I don’t know about you guys but I think Mel Gibson is my new hero.

On September 11, 2001, our nation suffered the worst terrorist attack ever to take place on U.S. soil. To this day, the event is discussed through our media via news channels, television shows, radio shows, music, and now film. This is a touchy subject to say the least, but it is a subject that we will never be able to escape for years to come. Over the past few months, the newest topic up for discussion has been the 9/11 films, particularly the theatrical flicks- United 93 and the upcoming World Trade Center. Many are protesting these films, saying America is not ready for a 9/11 movie. To these people that are protesting, I’m hear to say SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO HOME.

When, in the history of film, has a studio picture ever been halted due to a large group of protestors and backlash? Let me enlighten you- its never happened. Sure, there are flicks that have been made and got thrown on the shelf because they couldn’t get past the MPAA or for some type of law suit or what have you, but this is getting out of hand. Do these protestors honestly think that they’re going to stop the release of a multi-million dollar studio picture? HELL NO. You people are wasting your precious time and energy on a lost cause. I sympathize with everyone that lost a friend or relative on that horrible day, I really, really do. But attempting to stop a major motion picture by drastic measures isn’t going to help anyone. And furthermore, in the case of United 93, you’re attempting to stop a picture that is trying to HONOR the memory of your loved ones. Now, of course I understand that many people won’t be able to handle these movies. If you can’t handle these movies then just don’t go. Leave them be. That’s what Americans do- when they see previews for a movie they don’t want to see, they stay home. These two flicks are no exceptions.

I touched upon this topic a bit in my United 93 review a while back, but I would like to go deeper into the subject while I have the chance. Many of you out there believe that the time is not right for a 9/11 movie because the nation is still healing. I’m here to tell you right now- there is no healing to be done. Whether these films are made this Summer or twenty years from now, everyone will be taken back to that day like it was yesterday whenever its brought up. And for those who have lost loved ones in the attack, you know much better than I do that the pain you are feeling will pierce your heart until the day you die. Not to say that time doesn’t help, I’m sure it does. But a majority of the protestors aren’t protesting the films themselves, just the time period they’re being released in. Many argue that Hollywood should wait a few generations to make such pictures, like Saving Private Ryan and Pearl Harbor did. What is the point of this? If filmmakers today have the capability to make such pictures, why would people want them to wait and make it for future generations when they could make it for the generation that is most vulnerable to the subject? They have the means to make them for a generation that experienced this day firsthand, a group of millions that know what it felt like while it was happening. This is what filmmaking is all about. If technology had advanced far enough back in the early 50’s as it has today, you bet your sweet ass Hollywood would’ve cranked out Saving Private Ryan and Pearl Harbor and Schindler’s List. Not to mention the fact that within 5 years of WWII being over, numerous films were made about it. And I’m not even going to count how many Vietnam movies were made WHILE Vietnam was still going on. But since technology had not yet advanced enough, these films of the past just weren’t enough to cause the controversy these 9/11 films have been able to.

Another argument many protestors have is the fact that Hollywood is “cashing in” on 9/11. I completely disagree with this statement. People have to make a living, including filmmakers. Police officers, doctors, firemen, psychologists, etc. are all professionals that chose to help people for a living. Yet these people still have to make a LIVING… they still have to get paid. I’m sure the filmmakers and actors of these movies would love to make the flicks for free if they could, but sadly they cannot. So if Nicolas Cage wants to star in a 9/11 movie and do justice to a human being that was involved while getting a paycheck for it, I see nothing wrong with this. But these protestors are making it hard for all these people. They make them feel guilty when they shouldn’t be feeling guilty for anything. They work their asses off on these movies out of respect for the memories of those lost, and people out there are fucking protesting them??? How would all you painters out there feel if you made a painting of the twin towers on fire and galleries around the nation got into a bidding war for it. In the end you’re cut a nice fat check and you donate some of it to 9/11 charities but you take most of it home so you can EAT. Yet you can’t sleep at night because there’s a group of fucking protestors outside your apartment carrying signs. For everyone that believes in this argument, how about you go talk to the NYC fire and police departments and ask them why they still “paid” their employees while the crisis was still going on and shortly thereafter. People still have to make a living, folks. And I was astonished that many actors/crew members of these films have donated portions of their paycheck to 9/11 charities, yet people are still bitching about how they’re just cashing in on the disaster. Hell, United 93 even donated a large percentage of its profits to these organizations, and people still bitched. Not to mention both of these films have gotten 100% approval from all the family members of individuals in which the stories are based off of. Yet I still hear bitching.

The point of all this is if you don’t like the concept of Hollywood making movies out of the 9/11 events then GET THE FUCK OVER IT. The best you can do is stay at home during the films’ release. There’s no need to start a war here, especially since one is already going on overseas BECAUSE of 9/11. If the real life family members are kind enough to respect the films getting made, then the rest of us don’t have room to talk.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Ladies and gentlemen, it is time. After months of bashing in my Short Takes column, it is now time to get into the meat of my complete and utter hatred for the stupid wigger known as Kevin Federline.

Kevin Federline, you should KILL YOURSELF. And I don’t mean “oh haha I don’t like you so I’m saying you should kill yourself but I don’t really mean it.” I mean you should take that gun you have (you’re a “rapper” so I’m sure you have one), put it in your mouth… and blow your fucking brains out. You are the most worthless piece of shit that God has ever created. You make retards look like Pulitzer Prize winners. But worst of all…. You made Britney Spears fat.

How in the holy fuck did all of this happen? Why did she marry him again? Was it all some evil joke? Is it all a publicity stunt? It just makes no sense. Now that they screwed and have already produced two children, even if Federline did kill himself (or better yet, someone assassinate him) there will still be two evil spawns lurking the Earth to carry on the Douchebag Legacy that will affect my children and my children’s children. They will both be white rappers yet no one will ever hear their music. They will find young, hot musicians to impregnate and marry, only later to ruin their image and career so they can divorce and steal all their money. The Empire grows. The legacy continues. I hate to say it… but do you know who we need? The DC Sniper! Somebody let that dude out of jail for one last mission. I’m sure he could get past the Spears security in the blink of an eye! Although I fear that his head may be too big to fit through the sniper-scope. We’re going to fry the sniper dude anyway, can’t we work out something where Federline goes down with him? The DC Sniper was sick and tired of all the fucking douchebags walking the Earth so he decided to start offing people, but the problem was he never did any research on who he shot. Sadly, he shot mostly random good people and it was a sad story. He obviously missed his true mark since Federline still walks the planet.

But seriously, I ask you…. what is this fucking waste of life good for? He can’t sing for shit, he doesn’t have a courteous bone in his body, and if he ever left his LA safe-zone he would get the total shit kicked out of him by every black dude on the planet. He doesn’t even attempt to not look like a scum bag, he wears clothes that fit Rueben Studdard, and he goes clubbing every night and fucks God knows how many people while clueless Britney stays home and watches her nanny raise the babies. Not to mention he’s rude to EVERY single living organism he comes into contact with… even cute little bunnies. He spits on cute little bunnies and flicks cigarette butts at them. Its just a shame. I heard that he signed a pre-nup that only allows him $25 grand for every year that they were married if they do divorce. I’m sure with his custom-made backwards hats and the pounds upon pounds of cocaine he sniffs that the money would be gone in a month, so at least we don’t have to worry about him being rich. But what if he shoots Britney first? Then would he get all of it? I’m sure she has Dumb Bitch Life Insurance, which is A LOT of money. These are all reasons why Federline should off himself and fast.

And what is all this about Britney wanting to keep her family together? What the hell kind of family are you talking about and what kind of image are you trying to save? You are now fat and you already were white trash, its just now you’re fat and white trash. You married a white trash husband who is using your money to try and cross 8 mile with no talent. You’re a stupid musician who never could sing. You were only famous because you were a hot dancer but the hot is no more. And we all know you guys are getting divorced anyway, even if Federline were a good guy. This is just what happens in Hollywood. Perhaps maybe you did it to gain publicity? Too bad your husband has stolen the white trash spotlight from you. Although I will say he makes you look like a wholesome virgin again while standing next to you. That wasn’t a compliment. I’m just shocked you found the only person in the world that would make you look wholesome. So that’s why you married him!!!

But most importantly… the paparazzi need to stay the hell away from this dude. The paparazzi are evil, and as evil and powerful as Kevin Federline is, he will do nothing but feed off the press and grow stronger. If the latest remake of The Omen taught us anything, its that the Anti-Christ will seek a position fame and power. This could be Federline now, or it could be his son. Even more reason to kill his sorry ass. Then I could go back to reading about Paris Hilton. Then the world will be safe forever once we find a way to kill her too.

TELEVISIONBlade: The Series, a watered down version of the popular films (based on a comic no one read) premiered on Spike TV Wednesday night with surprisingly high numbers. The 2-hour premiere pulled in 2.5 million viewers which sets the record for highest rated series ever for the network. Its also the ONLY Spike TV series ever. I guess that helps with things doesn’t it? In other ratings news, TNT’s season premiere of The Closer received the highest ratings EVER for a single basic cable episode. This past weekend it also got an early renewal by the network for a third season. Slow down, guys. Let’s not put too much pressure on the producers. Just look at The OC.

Speaking of which, die-hard fans of The OC will be disappointed to hear that Fox has only ordered 16 episodes for a fourth season of the teen drama. Why is this a big deal? Most television seasons for a main network average at 22 episodes per season. The O.C. actually averages 25 episodes per season. Cutting the upcoming season almost in half is a bad sign for the show… things don’t look good for a fifth season. This could be due to the fact that the powerhouse hit Grey’s Anatomy is getting moved to Thursday nights competing in its time slot, or it could be because everyone realizes the actors are 30 year-olds playing teenagers. And just when that stupid bitch Marissa died…

I must give a special RIP shout-out to television producer Aaron Spelling. He was a really old dude that gave us the classics such as Starsky and Hutch, The Love Boat, Dynasty, Melrose Place, Beverly Hills 90210 and any other show involving an “evil twin” plot line. I was kind of hoping Tori Spelling would shut the fuck up sometime this century since she’s no longer famous (or never really was), but now with the death of her dad she now has a good excuse for more interviews. In a recent poll at tv.com, viewers were asked to vote for their favorite Summer series. In the lead is Dead Zone on USA, and close runners’ up are Entourage and Rescue Me. Gee, I didn’t even know USA still existed. And I didn’t know anyone watched Dead Zone. And I didn’t know that was Anthony Michael Hall from The Breakfast Club…glad to see he didn’t kill himself with the rest of the 80’s child stars. Rehab works wonders, folks.

MUSIC

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban finally tied the knot this week. Word on the street is that she made him sign a pre-nup, which stated there would be an automatic divorce if Urban were to turn into a dirty, drug-using hippie again. At least he’s not gay like her last husband, she should be thankful for that. Eminem did a surprise performance with Busta Rhymes at the BET Awards last week. This has sparked many rumors of a comeback from the extremely white rapper. But, in a statement released this weekend, Eminem still has no plans to record a new album anytime soon. Although he did mention that he’s looking to make a new movie… a big screen remake of the TV series Have Gun- Will Travel as a bounty hunter. Well of course you have a gun and are willing to travel dude… you’re a rapper. The film’s title will soon appropriately be changed to “Have Gun- Will Travel Across 8 Mile Mothafuckas.”

Well pot-heads, its official. Rolling Stone guitarist Keith Richards WILL be playing Jack Sparrow’s father in next year’s third installment of Pirates of the Caribbean. At a press conference last week, Johnny Depp had this to say: “I told them they had to cast Richards because he’s my dealer. He always knows where to find the good shit.” Speaking of drugs, Bow Wow is reportedly starting a VERY early retirement after his next album to focus on his acting career. That’s a smart move. He really does need to concentrate more with his roles in 4 Fast 4 Furious and Waist Deep 2: Waist Deep in Dogg Shit. And Kevin Richardson (who?) has now quit the Backstreet Boys for good. He claims that he would like to focus on “other interests” like sucking cock full time. Wow… without Kevin it looks like the Backstreet Boys may be feeling a little… Incomplete. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Apparently Paris Hilton is looking to give up her partying days to focus on her music. In a statement last week she had this to say- "Just because my last name's Hilton and I come from this family, it doesn't mean I can't be talented or know music or know what I'm doing." No, I did not add that myself. That was a real statement and the bitch really is that stupid. And now comes the part where I usually unleash on how we can rid the world of Paris Hilton, but God bless technology. Now I can just tell you to go here-

http://filmmonthly.com/Rant/050105.html

MOVIES

The MTV Movie Awards premiered June 8 with a weak-ass hosting job by brainless, talent-less Jessica Alba. But God bless technology, now I can just tell you to go here-

http://filmmonthly.com/Rant/030106.html

It is confirmed- James Cameron has officially lost his mind. Since he hasn’t made a movie in the past ten years and has no audience to speak to, he hopped on over to Disney Land for the premiere of Pirates 2. There he could be found shooting his mouth off about his new projects to anyone that would listen. According to King of the Assholes, he has two sci-fi trilogies in the works and he plans to direct all six of these films. Both of them are whacked out ideas and only the geekiest of nerds would enjoy them. Somehow I don’t see Cameron being the success he used to be. Maybe its because he’s getting old and anything he says is like listening to George Lucas plan future projects. “But… you’re going to die soon. How is this happening?”.

Listen up, pot-heads. I have another story for you. Harold and Kumar Go To Amsterdam is coming to a theater near you in 2007. This comes directly from the two leads, um… the Indian dude and the Chinese dude. Speaking of flicks in 2007, the Spidey 3 teaser is now up on the web (pun intended) and it looks mighty fine. I think the comic book geek/virgins might get their juicy Venom goodness they’ve been hoping for after all. This is also reportedly the last Spidey outing for both Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst. Though Sam Raimi has expressed interest in staying on through five more Spidey films. FIVE! Well, at least James Franco and Bruce Campbell will still be available.

In other comic news, buzz on the Wolverine spin-off is firing up with word that production is starting soon and they may even aim for a late 2007 release date. The current draft of the script (reviews can be found on the net) features many other villains from the X-Men universe, including a young Sabertooth. And this just came in- I’m never having sex again. Thanks to The Favs (aka Jon Favreau), Iron Man has snagged the first weekend in May of 2008 for a release date. Virgins everywhere, rejoice. In other news, Rob Zombie has been tapped to direct the remake of Halloween. Apparently they want to turn the long-dead Halloween franchise into an even bigger piece of shit franchise by handing over the reigns to a man that made the two most bizarre films in horror history. In a statement a few weeks ago, Zombie said “its not a remake, but more of a re-imagining. Well, it has a little bit from the original so I guess parts of it are a remake. And I’m a crazy fuck who doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” While we’re at it, let’s hand over a Hellraiser remake to Bow Wow.

The Break-Up and Cars soar as The Omen and The Lake House (aka Speed 3) under-perform. The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift continues to hold in the top ten thanks mostly to a boost from Vin Diesel and his 5 minute cameo. Oh and Bow Wow’s in it too- the movie that made him a big enough star to quit rapping. Click opened big, proving audiences still click with Adam Sandler (I’m so funny!) and Superman Returns is opening big this weekend. God knows if it will make back its $250 million budget. Do you know how many cars Bow Wow could supe up with that kind of cash? Wow. Bow Wow. Happy 4th bitches!

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

I’ve never had such an anticipation build-up from my friends and fellow readers as there has been for this Superman review. Anybody that knows me knows that I’ve been preaching this movie for months, and that I was probably at the first showing dressed as Supes himself last night (and you would be right). It became official a long time ago- I’m a Superman nerd. So much like the press, perhaps I hyped up this movie more than I should have.

Superman Returns is a pretty good film, but I was hoping for GREAT.

This film was not what I expected. I guess I was expecting something more along the lines of Batman Begins. I don’t necessarily mean it was different in a bad way… just not what I expected. For those of you non-Supes fans out there, the film has “returns” in the title because for the past 5 years, Superman has been away from Earth. After discovering possible remnants of his destroyed home planet Krypton, Superman travels into a different galaxy to seek answers from his past. When he returns, he finds that a lot of things have changed. Lex Luthor is out of jail. Lois is engaged to Cyclops and has a son with him. Metropolis looks like New York. And most of the world, especially Lois, has gotten used to not having a Superman around. Hell, when Clark comes back it seems as if he’s hesitant himself to bring back Supes, or worse yet… what he really stands for this time. Then of course Lex comes up with an outrageous scheme to take over the world and profit from it as usual. Poor Clark. After all, its hard to get back into the swing of things when your ex won the Pulitzer Prize for writing an article on how the world doesn’t need you anymore.

The film is strangely paced, as it takes a while for things to get moving in the beginning. But after the first half-hour, scenes start to flow much more properly as Superman kicks into high gear by saving a crashing plane full of people. I’ll get right to the point of the film’s biggest problem- Lex Luthor. Half the film focuses on Superman’s return and the other half focuses on Lex’s plot to take over the world. This plan involves stealing Kryptonian crystals from Superman’s Fortess of Solitude, and using them to create giant Kryptonian islands, which would result in the eventual destruction of the US by earthquakes, black-outs, gas explosions, etc. Confused? Yeah, so was I. But whatever. I am so fucking sick of these “villains taking over the world” scenarios. They’re outrageous, confusing, stupid and retarded. These plot lines can be found in almost every comic book movie ever made, even the good ones. It ruined Fantastic Four and came close to ruining X-Men as well. Hell even Spiderman 2 and Batman Begins had villains that had these giant, catastrophic plans to rule the world in one way or another. I’m just sick of it. Its stupid and retarded. So, much like the other comic book movies, when the movie focuses on Lex and his evil plan, I could give two shits and rolled my eyes with sheer boredom. It helped in the earlier Superman films when Gene Hackman was Lex. The Lex Luthor I know (from the comics and previous films) was devilishly witty, fun, and darkly humorous. So because of the comedy, that’s what made the Lex scenes so entertaining and helped us greatly to get through the mandatory plot. But this time, God bless Kevin Spacey but he did absolutely nothing with this character. He played it so straight and narrow that he was stiff as a board in most scenes. The only time I was entertained by him was during his screen time with Kate Bosworth or Brandon Routh. When he has an opposing character to play off of, then he gets a little more fun with it, but never to the point of total satisfaction.

This brings me to my next point- the casting. Surprisingly enough… Brandon Routh is the best actor in this movie. Now I don’t mean he’s the best in general, but he did the best job in his respective role. Routh IS Superman. He lives and breathes him in every single frame and when he wasn’t on screen, I wanted him back fast. His Superman is great, but his Clark Kent is even better. Picking up where Christopher Reeve left off, I thought this new Clark was even more of a bumbling idiot than before. Loved it. And Kate Bosworth was okay as Lois. I didn’t mind her. But just about any actress could play Lois Lane, I mean how hard could it be? Oh and kudos to the casting of Parker Posey, who was the only form of entertainment in the Luther scenes. I typically hate Posey and her dry-witted style, but I absolutely lover her here and her comedic timing was top-notch. Besides these three actors, everyone else was just there to kill space. No one impressed me. Jimmy Olsen wasn’t funny, Perry White had no personality much like Frank Langella himself, Eva Saint was poorly underused as Martha Kent, and James Marsden plays the “good guy that gets shit on for the hero” blandly for the millionth time (three X-Men movies, The Notebook, and now SR). Must be hard always playing a total vagina that never gets the girl, huh? And there was a lot of press surrounding Kal Penn (Harold and Kumar) playing Lex’s right hand man. Penn is a hilarious dude and I thought he would um… I don’t know… SPEAK in the movie! This guy has maybe one line, max. Another complete waste of talent.

The other biggest problem is the undefined establishment of timeline continuity with this film compared to the other Supes films. Most are saying it is a sequel to Superman II, but even the writers themselves said it was undefined and won’t give a straight answer. WHAT THE HELL?! The reason I bring this up is because a lot of shit went down in Superman II, including Lois discovering Clark is Superman. But it appears as if she has no clue in the new movie. Now many out there believe in the “mind-erasing kiss” theory when Clark kisses Lois at the end of Part II so she forgets he’s Superman, but I would like for someone that’s a part of Superman Returns to end this madness. I was totally confused… does she know he’s Superman? Or no? Yes she does. No she doesn’t. I WANT ANSWERS!

It seems like I’ve been bashing the film up to this point, but the truth is SR is a kickass movie for the most part. The action is breathtaking and Singer definitely has put the emotion back in to a Superman movie. I felt every heartbreaking moment that Clark did, from when he lost all his powers and fell from the sky to him getting his ass kicked by Luthor’s thugs. It was a very good film and it has lots of high points, much more high points than low. And there were even some good twists I didn’t see coming… one involving Lois’s son that will greatly affect the future Superman films. Well now that Superman has returned… let’s move on to the sequel and give the Man of Steel a real villain… he’s tired of fighting a bald human always looking for some good real estate.

While Superman Returns does not go without flaws, its still one of the most entertaining movies of the year. I recommend it to anyone of all ages, and I also suggest you see it on an IMAX theater if you can. The 3-D scenes are amazing. SUPES IS BACK BABY AND HE’S HERE TO STAY!!!