I strongly urge you to find the 30 minutes to watch the above speech. It is candid, humorous, and quite emotional. Warning, Lana does drop the “b” word, but only once. She talks about why she dropped out of the public for so long, her personal struggles with depression and her suicide plan, her transition, and so much more.

Coming out to your family and friends is never easy, even if you have a supportive tribe. Coming out publicly is even more difficult. It has been just over one year since I came out to the public as a trans man. Even though the public has been mostly supportive of my identity, there are still those who cast judgments and say things that can hurt to the very core of my being. Lana talks about some of these things that people do — either because they are uncomfortable or perhaps they are purposely trying to be ignorant — such as refusing to use her name.

At around six years old, my friend BJ and I would play Star Wars in his basement. He had this white mountainous set where our dolls — oh, excuse me, action figures — would have adventures. I got to play Luke, since BJ always wanted to be Han Solo.

My sister was never interested in this game, but sometimes BJ’s older brother Michael would come down to mess it up. He always said I should be Princess Leia and should buy one. I would shrug my shoulders and grab Luke before he could.

I didn’t want to be Princess Leia. I was mad at her. At that point in the series, I didn’t know she was Luke’s sister, but Luke liked her. My feelings were conflicted about Luke at six years old. I both wanted to be him, the hero, but also wanted him to look at me the way he looked at Leia.

But didn’t every little geeky girl want to be Leia? Not really. She was so out of reach — a beautiful, grown lady. I couldn’t possibly be anything like her. She could tough talk the men, shoot a gun, and wear a sexy outfit while strangling that creep. Way out of my league. Somehow imagining myself as a clueless boy was easier.

As I got older, I moved away. There wasn’t another BJ who wanted to play Star Wars in my new town. I moved on.

As an adult, I got back into the geeky culture. Princess Leia in that gold bikini always popped up. Personally, I thought she looked cooler in the white outfit holding a gun because now I wouldn’t mind being her. She was a strong leader, and still won the heart of the sexy guy. But I hated that bikini shot. As if her entire character was summed up by a salivating nerd-boy fantasy.

In fact, the lack of other cool lead female characters in that series turned me off to the whole thing. If I wanted to cosplay, I had one option — Leia. And if I didn’t wear that bikini, no one would know who I was anyway. No thanks.

Then I attended ConnectiCon where I saw a woman in that bikini surrounded by storm troopers. She looked awesome, happy, and confidant. It turns out she was a belly dancer in the area with a Star Wars routine. I watched her dance and was mesmerized. Now I wanted to be Leia! I wanted to be that Leia in the costume — choosing it because she had power. Showing her belly because she could shake it!

That belly dancer changed my perception of Leia. Even though the character on screen would have never chosen that outfit– a sign of being a slave — a fan took it back. Changed it from a sex symbol to a powerful female art form.

Nerds are different from the general population. We know this, because we live this. Many of us have tales of woe, how being nerdy has caused problems getting dates, or communicating with a significant other. But we nerds are special. Our unique qualities should be celebrated by those who love us.

Jules Sherred, of GeekMom fame—and fame from her countless other endeavors—and her partner Andrew are currently working on a book called Nerd Love, which will tackle the subject of nerd dating and nerd relationships. Even those of us already in nicely nerdy relationships still need help every once in a while. Nerd Love will be written by nerds, for nerds. It will be done in an interesting way, however. The edits for each chapter will be crowdsourced, posted on the Nerd Love site for people to copyedit, suggest ways to cut or expand on topics, etc. Any editors whose edits get used will be credited in the final book. When the book is complete, there will be an IndieGoGo campaign to help with the illustrations and publication.

In addition to book chapters, Nerd Love will also have podcasts, such as the recent fascinating one that Jules and Andrew did about sex. Feedback on those is also being solicited. And Jules and Andrew will blog on the Nerd Love website about love, sex, and relationships.

The only way this will all work is to get community involvement, so we’re asking all of you, and all of the nerds you know, to participate. A great place to get started is to visit the Ask Nerd Love site. It’s a safe place for nerds to ask any love, sex, or relationship questions. Though you do need to create an account to ask a question, you don’t have to give your real name, so this can be done anonymously. Anyone can then answer questions, giving their personal thoughts, opinions, and experiences. Some of the questions and answers that are posted on the site may be worked in the book. Again, if they are, the person will receive credit in the book, with their permission. But if the question is asked anonymously, the credit will go to “Anonymous” as well.

In addition to all of the above, Jules and Andrew really want to hear other people’s personal Nerd Love stories. How did you find your nerdy significant other? Did you have a nerdy marriage proposal? How have you found nerdy people to date?

When my sister and I were little, my sister would tell our peers that I was born with both male and female sex organs. She would tell people that our mum had to make a choice: Was she going to raise a daughter or was she going to raise a son? She would tell our peers that our mum made the wrong choice and had the doctors turn me into a girl. For as long as I can remember, I use to pray that this fairytale, created in the brain of my sister when she was younger than five, was the truth because I felt I was in the wrong body. However, it was just a story created by a child’s brain in an attempt to understand why I was so different than the rest of the girls, a story I wanted to believe. My mum, well she thought I was gay because all of my friends were male and I was not interested in girl things, no matter how hard she tried to force them on me.

Hi, my name is Jules. Sex: Female. Gender: Androgynous-Male.

Actually, my legal name is Julia, but I cringe anytime anyone calls me that. It is far too feminine and does not fit me. As a really small child, I was referred to as “my precious jewel.” As I became older, every one naturally started to called me Jules and I liked it. Before the name Jules became my familiar name, I wanted to change my name to my middle name, Christine, so that people would call me Chris. I just could not stomach being called by a feminine name. I needed something that was either gender neutral, or masculine, because that is what fit and felt right. It wasn’t until I became an adult and started to study Psychology that I began to really understand why. My gender identity does not match my biological sex.

The subject of sex and gender is what I would call one of my trigger topics. Any time someone uses the words sex and gender as if they are interchangeable, my brain goes into a blind rage. Out of all the issues today, I think that gender identity issues are the least talked about and most misunderstand. I do not think it helps that we are living in a society with ever changing gender expectations. While it is wonderful that women are no longer expected to be housewives and men are allowed to have and express feelings, at least that is one of the aims of the gender equality movements, it puts people like me in a very difficult, and often times lonely and isolated, position.

“Sex“ refers to the biological and physiological characteristics that define men and women.

“Gender“ refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviours, activities, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for men and women.

To put it another way:

“Male” and “female” are sex categories, while “masculine” and “feminine” are gender categories.

Aspects of sex will not vary substantially between different human societies, while aspects of gender may vary greatly.
Some examples of sex characteristics:

Women menstruate while men do not

Men have testicles while women do not

Women have developed breasts that are usually capable of lactating, while men have not

Men generally have more massive bones than women

Some examples of gender characteristics :

In the United States (and most other countries), women earn significantly less money than men for similar work

In Viet Nam, many more men than women smoke, as female smoking has not traditionally been considered appropriate

In Saudi Arabia men are allowed to drive cars while women are not

In most of the world, women do more housework than men

So what happens when someone’s gender identity does not match with their biological sex? A lot of inner turmoil for one. There are feelings of inadequacy. There are feelings of being less of a person. There are feelings of being an abhorrent monster and a freak. And if you have any other issues that make you different than your peers, it can make growing up extremely rough, even if you’re someone like me who has never cared to fit in. Regardless of not caring if I fit in, I still yearned to have some place where I belonged, a place where it made sense that I was the person that I am. Not having that place, along with a far from ideal childhood, nearly killed me.

This simply cannot be the reality of gender identity issues. Even though my gender identity causes me psychological distress and I feel like I am trapped in the wrong body, because I have neutral feelings about my genitals, I did not fit the criteria. Then there was a proposed change to the diagnostic criteria and more people, like me, fall into the clinical criteria necessary to be recognised as having some sort of gender identity issue. (DSM-IV criteria . DSM V criteria.)

I’m not sure I could ever really explain what it is means to be a trans individual without writing a novel. It took years of study for me to even begin to grasp it, despite it being my reality. The Psychological community is still trying to grasp it. The only way I can even begin to explain it is that I’m just in the wrong body. I do not fit.

When I’m surrounded by other women, I feel like a fraud and an alien. I really do not get women. I do not understand their needs and desires. I do not understand how they communicate. I simply do not get them and I often find myself wanting to yell, “Why do you think I should get it?! I’M NOT A MIND READER!” I just feel that I don’t belong and that I am in the completely wrong place.

I get men. I understand the needs and desires of men. I really understand why men communicate the way they do. Men are not alien and foreign creatures to me. I belong with men. Because I am a man, even if, from time to time, an effeminate one. My sons have always just naturally said, without any sort of prompting or discussion, “My mum is a gay man trapped in a female’s body.” I find it fascinating how my boys just instinctively know I am different, just as, from the time we were wee children, my sister and I always knew.

Being me is difficult. I feel it is more difficult to be a trans male than it is to be a trans female. I could be very wrong. But this is what my personal experiences tell me. The reason why I feel this way is because if a male identifies as feminine, women are more accepting of it. Sure, that individual may have a harder time with men, but women seem to want to welcome them as one of their own.

I, however, get flack from both men and women. I’ve always been the token female in a group of men. Men treat me like one of their own. However, and this happens at least once a week, somewhere in the discussion, I am told, “You would not understand. It is a guy thing” and it is all I can do to not burst into tears, as I go from feeling visible and validated to invisible and dehumanised.

Women tell me that I’m a misogynist and am giving into some patriarchal thinking. Or I am questioned to death about how I have no desire for at least one female best friend, because even the most butch of girls, the most tom boy of tom boys, has the need for at least one female bff. And when I try to explain that I need my one closest friend to be a male, again I am told, in some form, that I am a traitor to women.

Normally, I can go through my day to day just being a person. I do not let my gender identity issues control me to the same extent that they once did. Then, without fail, I’ll see something like the Dr Pepper 10 commercial, and I’ll see how it isn’t only sexist to women but to men, express my gender equality point of view and be called a misogynist. Or a male will tell me it is a guy thing. Or I’ll read something about geek girls and am punched in the gut with the reminder that I am not a girl. Or I’ll hear women talking about men and complaining about the things women complain about, offer the other side of the coin because I get it from the male’s perspective and I’ll be, once again, called a misogynist, when my goal is to try and help all parties find mutual understanding. Or there will be some female only thing happening and I have to run for the hills, not being able to say why I just can’t join that activity, only to feel, yet again, like a fraud, wishing that I did in fact have a penis, so that both men and women would stop having certain expectations of me. Even in the trans community, I’ve been told I don’t belong because if I was truly trans, I’d be attracted to women.

I’m okay with being androgynous-masculine until intimate relationships occur. Sexual partners are okay with talking to me like one of the boys until they want things to be intimate and romantic. Then they will begin to communicate with me as if I’m feminine and I get turned off. That is when I have to have the talk. That is when they get weird because some of them thought it makes them gay to be attracted to me. My gender identity was such an issue for one partner that they could no longer perform oral sex because they couldn’t help but to imagine my clitoris was a penis. That is when, once again, I wish I had a penis because it would make things so much easier for every one involved.

But there are issues with having a penis as well. I like men. I mean, I really like men. That is where my sexual attraction is. I want to be attractive to men. I’m able to play the role of a softer female because I’m a bloody good actor. I don’t care if they are gay, straight or bisexual. However, my chances of attracting a gay man are extremely unlikely because my body is female. But because I’m still attractive to straight and bisexual men, I am okay with having a vagina. Never mind the fact I like the sexual pleasure given to me as a result of having a vagina.

Also, if a man was to leave me for another man, I would be devastated. I would feel that I was inadequate. I’ve had men leave me for other women, and I never felt inadequate as a result. This is not the result of some form of patriarchal brainwashing or misogyny, self or otherwise. This is a simple result of the person that I am and have been since birth, trapped inside a female body. I did not wake up one day and say, “Today, I think I’m going to be a man”, no more than people who are gay wake up and say, “Today, I’m going to be sexually attracted to my sex.” It is just something that is.

As I said, there is a lot of ignorance on this subject. Gender identity and sexual orientation are two different animals. And the first time I ever thought someone else actually understood that was when Chaz Bono was on Ellen. As a general rule, anytime I bring up my gender identity, regardless if it is with men or women, suddenly I am treated differently. People stop treating me as the person they once saw me as and get weird around me. For the first time, I felt like a valid human being.

Normally, I am happy to live in the closet and not discuss my gender identity. Normally, I am more than okay with having a vagina, because quite frankly, I am afforded certain privileges as a result. Also, my sexual orientation is such that it makes sense to remain biologically female. Then weeks filled with Dr Pepper 10, GeekGirlCon discussions and geek girl debates happen, and I want to completely disappear.

Unintentionally, and sometimes even intentionally, I am given messages that I am an abhorrent creature. I am given messages that if I do not identify with certain female characters or even care that they are in media, I am doing women a huge disservice. Even behind closed doors here at GeekMom, where they have been extremely supportive when I discuss my gender identity, things are said or done and I want to quit writing for GeekMom because I suddenly feel like a fraud and that I do not belong. I want to make it clear that it is nothing the GeekMoms are intentionally doing but is only as a result of my gender identity issues.

I don’t want to be treated as a male or female. I just wanted to be treated as a person. Then feminist issues come up and I feel as if I have to bite my tongue, because when I do speak up, there is always some backlash and I become afraid. In my experiences, and it is just that, my experiences, the hardest backlash comes from women. I am called names when all I want to achieve is some form of mutual understanding. In my experiences, men have always been more willing to listen. Perhaps that is a result of differences in male-female communication. I don’t know why it happens, I just know what my experiences are.

So why have I decided to come out of the closet now? Because some of you may have a child who is struggling with their gender identity and as a parent, you need to be aware of these issues. Because some of the readers may be struggling with their gender identity. Because, at some point in this last week, one person may have been made to feel completely invalid as a person and, as a result, they may have wished that they were snuffed from existence. Because people need to know that it does get better. Because the discussion needs to begin. People need to recognise that there is something more than being a tom boy. People need to recognise and accept that if one is trans, they are not embracing any gender stereotypes. They are just being the people that they are. This discussion needs to happen before we raise another generation filled with people who are afraid to be the people they were born to be.

While having this discussion, it may be a good idea to keep in mind that every one has unique and valid experiences. Maybe, before assuming that someone is being sexist or misogynistic or thinking they are giving into some patriarchal thinking, you may want to ask them, “Why do you think and feel that way? What are your experiences that have led you to this point of view?” Hopefully, by approaching it in such a fashion, we can finally begin to have a real dialogue and begin to understand those who do not fit in the norm. It is difficult to understand things that are considered outside of the norm. It is very difficult to understand issues of gender identity, especially if you live in a culture that is trying to break down gender barriers. However, we need to begin somewhere. So let’s start here.

In our first post we dealt with the uses of romance in RPG. But what about sex ?
Of course, the topic is far more controversial and has no easy answers.

Should we include it ? Does it add something more than “chaste” romance ? And if we do, how can we deal with it during our sessions if we don’t want our table to become a land for cheap erotica or smutty jokes (and at least I don’t want it) ? Should there be rules for sex in RPG ?

Let’s begin with a web-review of the topic.
I actually found a lot of material about that. You’ll notice that many articles were post on Valentine’s Day. We missed that issue on GeekMom’s Valentine so here it is !

An article by M.J. Young “Game Ideas Unlimited: Embraces” on The Gaming Outpost. He gives many reasons to add love stories to our sessions but sticks to romance and seems not to consider more… erotic issues.

In the same way, the great article by Delphine T. Lynx (which is definitely not me, despite the first name) clearly announces :

This article is centered on the roleplaying of romance as an intellectual dance. I am of the opinion that roleplaying any sexual relations that may result from this is not necessary, and deserving of at most a very brief mention as far as what a PC is doing during a certain time period. It need never be gone into; I’m not suggesting you roleplay your fantasies as part of a game of AD&D or Shadowrun.
One of the things I continually see interest in is the subject of romance in roleplaying games, particularly pencil and paper games. Despite this interest, there is very little written on its proper execution. This article will deal primarily with PC to NPC romance; PC to PC will be mentioned, but only briefly. Some of the topics covered: Should I include it at all? Will my players even notice? How to GM it? What about when my players flirt with random NPCs, not the ones I have planned?”

Extensive articles by Connie Thomson (aka Ariel Manx) on Geek’s Dream Girl (yes, that’s a dating website…) with two series of posts : “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” and “Family Matters”. She covers almost every aspect of romance and sex in RPGs, from marriage to random sexual encounters (in which she offers a very sensible view about when using rules about romance and sex), from love’s fading to making babies, and much more.

Another very extensive approach by Kismet Rose, with topics such as The Sexual Character, Attraction, Courtship, Marriage, Divorce, Adultery, Pregnancy & Childbirth, Sexual Spells, Consent and a special chapter about Drow Sensuality.

She also offers very sensible and careful advice, espacially about in-game-pregnancy :

One of the things you have to be careful of when introducing pregnancy into your game is that you don’t step on anyone’s mental land mines. Men and women have very strong emotions about children, pretty much on all fronts. If you don’t lay out your cards carefully, you might discover too late that a player has been told they can’t conceive, had to give a child up, had an abortion or lost a child.

A podcast, quite long (especially if you got a baby or toddler at home…) but funny and interesting, mostly about romantic relationships in gaming. As they say :

Special attention is given to the taboos around romance and sex at the gaming table, how the new wave of story games in a lot of ways just ignores these weird subcultural prohibitions, and how it all really comes down to being Tolkien and Lovecraft’s faults. We talk about some new and interesting romantic entanglements to get into in-game, and go from there into discussing all manner of complicated character to character relationships.

“Love, Sex & Dice”, one of the Valentine’s posts by C.D. Gallant-King (really ?) on Rule of the Dice.

You’ll have a laugh at his imaginary RPG dialog using rules for sex encounters. I’m completely sharing his views about that : ” The rules they suggest, while hilarious (and in some ways frighteningly realistic) really don’t add any romance to encounters.”

That’s a forum thread, so, of course, you’ll find very interesting and diverse answers as well as a bit of trolling. But only a bit, as the forum is quite successfully moderated.

The initiator of the debate, BlackFlame, claims that boundaries between RPG and, er, more sexual hobbies, are thinner than you’d think : “I think there’s a V:tM (Vampire the Masquerade) game that still runs over on the chats at Bondage.com.”

I admit I haven’t check. Even if my son is too young to browse, Bondage.com is definitely not on my list of favorite websites.

Tigerbunny makes a good point when asking :

I don’t think any clear line can be drawn here that actually explains why violence SHOULD BE commonplace in gaming and sexuality SHOULD BE taboo – although the norms you cite might suggest why this IS the case: gamers are just as hypocritical and blinkered about sex, violence, and public-private distinctions as the culture they live in.

And of course, they talk about one of the most difficult questions : how do you run sex scenes as a GM ?

Most of the GM choose to “fade to black”. That’s not necessarily an easy or prudish way. After all, many great RPG sessions are inspired by movies’ dramatic effects, and the fade-to-black is a very effective one.
You may read NAME’s topic about sex scenes in movies.

There are other options, still. I mean options not involving public depicting of graphic sex at your table.
My own approach is quite similar to Christine’s on the same forum thread :

Most of the time, it’s handled by the passing of private notes between GM and player (or between player and player, if the involved parties are PCs, though I do insist on the rather voyeuristic right of “GM privilege” and read all the notes).

You might even go one step farther.
Many players (at least around me) enjoy to write texts about their characters. That may be journals to elaborate their character’s thought, extensive backgrounds, short stories about NPC or places they liked and we hadn’t the occasion to develop in game… Some RPGs even include such writing in the creation process, such as Amber RPG.
Well, these texts are a good way to include erotica without being intrusive to other players. Plus, that’s a very good writing exercise !

That’s actually my favourite way, as a player or GM.

Special note to Vampire’s fans: Yes, that means I actually wrote vampire erotica involving Vykos. That was a real challenge ! But I’m afraid that’s in French.

Anyway, we’ll probably have to conclude with Theonephil’s very sensible answer, still on RPG.net forum thread. How much sex should you include in your RPG sessions ?

As much as or little as you’re comfortable with.

Seriously, I’ve seen a million of these threads over the last couple of years as a definite lurker, and that’s the only honest answer you’ll get. Some groups are comfortable with in your face sexuality, describing the cut and thrust of their characters’ love lives and expecting you to be the same with NPCs. Others prefer to leave sex and any form of sexuality in downtime. There’s a phenomenal variety of people who play RPGs despite the omnigeek stereotype and all anyone can do is discuss outside the game what’s acceptable and then play on that basis.

I agree that’s the only sensible answer.

But is that the end of the matter for us ?
Not quite.
We still have to examine the written material and finally answer one last question : Are all RPGs suitable for you to explore such themes ? And if not, which ones are the most suited to romance and sex issues ?

A few months ago, I was asked by the French magazine Di6dent to discuss the specificities of being a woman in the world of RPG. We especially talked about the woman touch in game-mastering and one of my players suggested that a female GM was more likely to add romance and even erotic scenes to the game.

I had never thought about that. Actually, I had never thought about romance and sex in RPG, as if they were natural to me. That’s the classic argument: romance and sex are a great part of life, so how could we avoid them completely in RPG ?

I don’t know if it’s specifically girly, but as a player, I like romance in RPGs. I even need it, I suppose. My characters aren’t necessarily romantically involved at the creation, but they have to find a love interest of some sort, or they would seem… unfinished.
If I’m quickly compiling my main tabletop RPG characters, here’s what I get:

A princess from a very incestuous line (yes, I mean the Amber family) feels a deep and painful love for the man she believes to be her father, which doesn’t stop her from being attracted by other (very special) men, from time to time.

A chaste intellectual nun, become a chaste intellectual vampire, suddenly fell in love with probably the most perverse of Caine’s descent (yes, I mean Sascha Vykos himself… or herself ?).

An Eladrin warlady clearly has a problem with love and sex, as she’s regularly infatuated with various men (or women, by the way), only to sadly realise they’re not her One True Love and try to explain it gently to them when she leaves.

A player (at poker, theatre and seduction games) who learns to face very serious issues and incredibly falls in love with an elderly man her previous incarnation slept with despite her trying to distinguish from her.

A Psyker falls in love with the ghost of a legendary spaceship captain and explorer (and her own ancestor, incidentally) who revealed himself to be in the intimacy of Daemons.

Okay, and I also played a Jedi in love with Obi-Wan Kenobi, but that’s really a fangirl thing, I cannot say I’m so proud of it…

From there we already have the main reasons for a GM to add romance to the game :

It helps to deepen Player Characters, to make them complex (and sometimes contradictory) human beings (or non-human, it works just as well), with hidden motives, inner conflicts, and so on.

As a consequence, it may create wonderful plots. As Fabien Deneuville (from La Bible du Meneur de Jeu / The Game Master’s Bible) writes, the romance has to bring some dramatic effect to your scenario. He lists three easy but very effective options:

The forbidden love à la Romeo and Juliet. As you can deduce from the list above, that’s one of my favorite choices as a player. Note than Vampire the Masquerade offers a “Sleeping with the Enemy” Flaw. Vampire offers interesting versions of this option, not only the traditional Clan vs Clan (even if, of course, an Assamite in love with a Tremere will offer many developments in game) but the really fascinating Path vs Path. How can a vampire following the Path of Humanity being in love with someone on a beastly Path, someone who really acts as a monster? Can (s)he really hope to redeem his/her beloved one? Will (s)he lose his/herself in such a passion and meet a fate of doom ? Will (s)he develop some kind of madness to justify this schizophrenic posture towards morality? But of course, all games offer such options, in one way or another (“Is a Jedi allowed to love ?” is another example).

The secret of the beloved one : oh, God, (s)he’s not what (s)he pretended to be! (S)he’s a secret agent/Sith Lord/superhero/werewolf/child of my worst enemy/criminal with a record/… Of course, the secret may bring you to option 1. It’s especially useful for a GM when a PC decides to fall in love with an apparently “plain” NPC. One should not overuse it, of course.

The outside disruptive event : another useful tool for any GM. “Look, your Beloved one is abducted !” is a classic, but it becomes really good when the Beloved in question is someone your character met during the game, fell in love with, seduced, and so on. Someone who is really important to you and for the way you define your character. Perhaps (s)he will rescue the Beloved One. But perhaps (s)he won’t, for very good reasons such the protection of a land, an oath of loyalty, a war, and so on. And what will happen when the Beloved One finally escapes and sees you’ve done nothing to free her/him? Another dramatic possibility.
“Your Beloved One was killed” is perhaps the most classic. It’s not necessarily the beginning of a great revenge plot à la Kill Bill (even if it’s always fun, of course). Your character may also have to deal with his/her inheritance and with his/her own mourning. And perhaps, when (s)he’s finally learnt to go on, and has let him/herself to fall in love when someone else… the Beloved will be proved alive. Of course, you cannot use that more than once as a GM.
(and what if the Beloved One dies and is reincarnated into some really annoying know-it-all child ? Not funny, but full of roleplaying opportunities. A GM actually did that to me…)

You’ll notice I talked about PC/NPC romance.
Romance between PCs is kind of different.
Funny and interesting, of course, but also more difficult to deal with. The risk of ambiguity is often higher, and the dramatic opportunities are rarer, since you cannot deal with a PC as you do with a NPC.
It happens anyway, as you can see in Rebecca’s post.

Anyway, almost everyone agrees that romance may add something to your RPG campaign, at least when your players are mature enough to be at ease with such topics.
After all, (almost) every good story has a bit of romance. And (almost) every interesting life.

But what about sex ?
For that, you’ll have to wait a few days for Part Two of this article.

As part of our Sexuality and the Geek Week, I thought it would be fun to pose the question of which characters in popular SF/F stories is most worthy of being a romantic partner.

Up first is the series that launched some of the first fanfiction ‘ships, Star Trek.

Kirk or Spock, which would be your choice?

Kirk:

Pros: Energetic, intelligent, fun-loving with a great sense of humor. Seems to gain nearly superhuman powers if his shirt is ripped. Creative thinker, which might provide some fun in intimate activities.

Cons: Imperious and arrogant at times. Relationships come second to his command, as the Enterprise is his true mistress.

Spock:

Pros: Extremely intelligent and loyal. Stronger than the average person and seems to posses a nice singing voice. Plus, the repressed types often let loose in a private setting.

Cons: Dedicated to not showing or even admitting to emotions, including love. The need to mate only strikes once every seven years, though apparently being half-human, he can choose differently. Duty comes before love.

This week, we’ll be looking at the various aspects of sexuality filtered through a geeky and parenting lens. This includes topic such as romance and sex in RPG, how SF/F fandom helped give rise to a growing demand for male/male romance stories, how the not-romance between Mulder and Scully was more interesting that way, how to deal with mothers and daughters reading your writing when you write sex scenes, and memorable romantic scenes in movies.

Mulder Being Unsubtle About His "Interests"

And we’ll discuss which characters in SF/F are more suitable as partners. Kirk or Spock? Han or Luke? Or, even, Barbara Gordon or Selina Kyle?

So join as all week!

A note to parents: We will be keeping our content PG-rated so as not to jar younger readers of the blog but some of the links may lead to more adult sites.

Picture this: A beautiful, 16-year-old girl, a bright A-student, a good kid, my daughter. Her main extra-curricular activities are the marching and jazz bands, and now she’s been dating her first love, another band geek, for almost one year. He’s adorable, funny, and a true gentleman. What a relief that my girl is sweet on a boy I truly like, and I’m happy for her that she has someone who lets her know how special she is.

Here’s the problem: I’m afraid that it’s time for the big sex talk. Statistically, it may be past time.

My first tactic is to find a good book. (I’m aware of the irony—approaching a talk about passion via the intellect. Stay with me here.) I’d had Masters and Johnson, whose clinical tome was full of the mechanics of orgasm, but shy on any of the social or emotional aspects of sexuality. And I had Our Bodies, Ourselves, a classic for sure. But I want to provide a more current resource for my girl.

Now, I’ve found the resources, but about that mother-daughter talk . . . So far she hasn’t brought up the topic. Unless you count her claiming that she still has her V-card and that she’s clear about not becoming a teen pregnancy statistic. But those remarks were delivered to secure permission to stay out late with her friends. They hardly count as a conversation about sexual desire. It’s up to me to initiate the big talk.

What’s the hold up? I could just get her in the car for a cross-town drive and open with a line like, “If you’re thinking about going beyond kissing and cuddling with your sweetheart… If you’re thinking about having sex …”

My sex professor friend, Dr. Debby Herbenick, sexual health educator at Indiana University and the Kinsey Institute, says that trapping a kid in the car is one of the most often-reported bad sex talk venues.

The other sex talk No-Nos Herbenick named:

Do NOT freak out about your kid’s first time, or any other sexual information they may share with you. (This is especially hurtful, if you’ve assured your kid that he or she can ask you about or tell you anything.)

Do NOT share personal information about your own sex life. Remember appropriate boundaries.

The No-Nos seem obvious to me. Less obvious is how can I initiate the conversation so that my daughter feels safe to ask me questions, or ask for comfort and security. Why is this so hard for me? After all, this isn’t the first sex-talk I’ve had with her.

Here are some of the sex talks I remember:

When she was three, she asked about how girls could grow babies, and I reassured her that she already had all the eggs she would ever need in her belly. She was and is fully equipped and good to go. She felt empowered, and I’d given her accurate information without overloading her with more than she needed at the time.

At the age of six she learned the basic mechanics of intercourse in school. When I picked her up that afternoon, her questions were brief and to the point. “Dad put his penis inside of you?” I nodded. That was easy. “And it felt good?” It took all the self-control I could muster to nod without laughing at her aghast expression. I still consider the whole conversation a successful one. This was years before her own body started changing, so the doing it image—gross as it may have seemed to her at the time—was still easy for her to detach from.

The talk about menses and what to expect was a snap, because there is so much literature . . . from the pediatrician to the tampon box. Unlike the taboo topic of my generation, a girl’s period has truly come out of the closet.

Not long after, she and her friends initiated a brief conversation about their bodies, which by the age of 12 were clearly changing. I was chauffeuring three pals to the movies, so I was trapped in the car when they asked about vaginal moisture. They thought it felt strange, and asked me if this new sensation was normal. I didn’t say much or get very clinical. After all, I was driving. I simply nodded, and reassured them that moistness was very healthy and that they would get used to it.

There was the sexting sex talk her dad and I had with her and her younger brother. This was another easy one, because we, the parents, were on the same page. The concepts of privacy—in particular, keeping private parts private—and the need to guard one’s electronic trail are so obvious to us. In a particularly graceful moment their dad reassured them that they would have sex, and it would be a positive part of their lives. I added my perspective that sexual intimacy is called “intimacy” for a reason, and that the best, most loving relationships thrive on shared, private connections.

Which leads me to the present, difficult crossroads. How am I going to talk to my girl about love and lust and sexual desire? How can I explain the importance of protecting herself, physically and emotionally, without putting a voodoo hex on her sexual life. How can I tell her what I’ve learned? That shared bodily fluids are only a piece of it. There’s sacred energy involved, too. How can I even bring up the subject without putting pressure on her to cash in her V-card before she’s ready?

I really do honor my children’s privacy. My daughter is her own person, and I’m not her closest confidant, nor do I see that as my role. But I am responsible for her health and safety.

In addition to providing access to information, Dr. Herbenick suggested I take my daughter to a movie that features a sexual relationship, and use talking about the fictional story as a way to open the conversation.

A movie, of course! After all, we’d seen Juno together. (And I highly recommend this film about a smart teen who navigates her unexpected pregnancy.) But, when I checked the listings I found that late winter is the season of thrillers and super-hero movies.

Then, I found something better. Saturday I took my girl out to a matinee performance of The Vagina Monologues. It has everything. In the interactive portion of the show, we named body parts until the word vagina is no longer embarrassing to say. We heard a story about a woman, so ashamed of her sexual desire and physical response, that she’s spent a lifetime shut off from “down there.” We celebrated pleasure with a comic rendition of orgasmic moans. We cried for rape victims. We laughed at a woman railing about the indignity of a cold speculum. My daughter and I shared every emotion, along with a loving community of women and men.

And afterward, when I thought the time was ripe for our big talk, I simply told her if she was ever scared or confused or hurt that she could talk to me. (Note to self: Do NOT freak out, when and if she tells me something uncomfortable.)

Really? That’s it? The Big Sex Talk? It turns out, there really wasn’t much else to say. It turns out, the biggest part of my Big Sex Talk was how much I needed to lower my fear and open my heart.

I realized my daughter already understands everything I could tell her now. We’ve been having the conversation for years. Every time we’ve seen a television program, a movie, or a play together. Every book we’ve read and discussed. Every side comment and giggle. Every roll of the eye. Sex for procreation and sex for pleasure have always been part of the discourse between us. How could it not be?

And I also realize that I trust my daughter to know when she’s ready to “cash in her V-card.” Of course I don’t want her to grow up too fast. There will always be a part of me that remembers when she was born. She’s my baby girl. But she’s also growing into a gorgeous young woman. And her sexual life is her own. The most important thing, the big thing I want her know is that I trust her to make her own choices.

After reading my November 16 GeekMom post on talking with your kids about sexuality, one reader, Angie, commented:

Ok, immediately, as in right now, go to Amazon, and buy this book: Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They’d Ask) by Richardson and Schuster…Andrea, this is EXACTLY what you’re looking for. It is the geek parent’s holy grail of parenting your kid’s sexuality at every stage, chock full of current scientific data and psychiatric research, without religious leanings. The authors attempt to give you, the parent, the tools to instill your cultural or religious “norm” in your children while simultaneously recognizing your child as a healthy sexual individual.

After reading Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They’d Ask), I have to agree with Angie: this is the kind of book that I was looking for:

It is comprehensive. That is, it considers all aspects of sexual education from the “fact-based” conversations and questions of early childhood to the “feelings-focused” practical and ethical discussions that may take place in a family as teenagers begin to explore their sexual identities.

It is respectfulof the culture and beliefs of individual families. I was looking for a book that would steer me toward topics that I might want to consider at each stage of my children’s development. However, in lieu of preaching one perfect public health or moral solution, I wanted to be acknowledged as the person who understands my children best and then encouraged to come to my own informed conclusions on how to effectively guide them.

Its suggestions are made using peer-reviewed studies and research. I wanted suggestions that were, as often as possible, based on reliable, replicable scientific research. In almost all cases, the authors were able to support their suggestions with research.

The questions posed throughout the book are direct, thought-provoking and real, for instance:

How will you react if your middle-school daughter wants to wear provocative clothes? If your middle-school son visits online porn sites?

What values do you want to communicate to your children? What does abstinence mean? Are virginity pledges effective? Does promoting birth control promote promiscuity?

If asked, will you share anything about your sexual experiences? (I was concerned that the authors might err on the side of “oversharing.” Instead, they provided a great baseball analogy, a la Dr. Spock: “There is no need to focus on your child’s technique with the ball—it is more important for your child to feel affirmed than to feel coached.”)

What special considerations are there to consider if your child is atypical? Disabled? Has a chronic illness? Is gay?

Am I really helping my children by talking about…all of this? (“Of those kids whose parents had spoken to them about sex, 87 percent thought their parents insights were helpful.”)

The book’s authors, Justin Richardson, MD and Mark Schuster, MD, PhD, have both been published in key journals: Harvard Review of Psychiatry, The American Journal of Public Health, and Pediatrics (Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics). Dr. Richardson is a full-time analyst affiliated with Columbia University and New York Presbyterian Hospital (interesting aside: and is the “psychiatric advisor” for the HBO miniseries In Treatment). Dr. Schuster is UCLA’s Chief of General Pediatrics and its Vice Chair for Health Services, Policy, and Community Research in the Department of Pediatrics, as well as the Director of Health Promotion and Disease Prevention at UCLA’s RAND Center. Together, the two authors bring more than 30 years of education, research and experience to the creation of this book.

In my assessment, this book is a good starting point for parents worried about talking to their kids about sexual health, but you can decide that for yourself by taking a look at selected chapters at the book’s website: RICHARDSONSCHUSTER.COM.

Until college, I can’t remember passing a day at home or school without being teased for being a brainiac and a tomboy. I was so used to being a pariah in my own life that I actually had a hard time adapting to living among friends. But my fellow grown-up nerds were patient. They all knew what it was like to be “the weird one” and that it was only a matter of time before I solved the funny little puzzle in my head.

When I was nineteen years old, nobody seemed surprised to hear me say the words, “I’m bisexual.” But in spite of the fact that my biggest secret was somehow common knowledge, my family had one demand: Stop telling people! In other words, “Get back in the closet, you freak.” But it was too late. I’d developed a taste for acceptance, and tormented adolescence was no match for hard-won adulthood. Yes, I was still a big geek, and queer to boot, but I was a geek among many. My smarts and my sexuality finally fit in somewhere, and I had something to be proud of: Me.

But I think it’s only a matter of time before people get wise about this, too. Scientists have examined some of the prevailing arguments against equality and found that the assumptions guiding anti-LGBT bias aren’t based in reality:

In fact, in another study, “…children in lesbian families scored significantly higher in their social, academic and general skills, and significantly lower with regard to aggressive behavior, violating rules and expressing problem behaviour.” Logically, the research indicates that this is more likely due to differences in parenting styles between lesbian and hetero parents than due to their sexual orientation.

But even science has a way to go with regard to overcoming hetero-normative bias. Much research assessing the outcomes of children of LGBT parents still falls into the trap of assuming that the emergence of queer youth in any family is a sign of parental failure, or an otherwise undesirable result.

There are no quick fixes for these problems. It’s clear from both anecdotal and scientific evidence that anti-LGBT bullying is epidemic in schools. Queer kids are bullied to death at a rate that astonishes newscasters, but the phenomenon probably surprises few adult geeks who survived adolescence before Bill Gates and Steve Jobs became household names.

But we geeks and LGBT adults can offer queer youth one assurance: It gets better. And while our kids are still growing up, we adults can make it even better by confronting the discriminatory policies that validate bullies and condemn their victims.

This song was a lot more fun when I thought Salt n Pepa were singing it to my generation…

So there we were in rush hour, driving down the Long Island Expressway, and from the eleven year old in the back seat comes the question:

“So, Mom, if guys can get erections, I’m wondering, does anything like that happen to girls?”

I’ve got to admit, when I get these questions—and these days they are coming with an insistent, rhythmic regularity—my first instinct is to look around for my husband and suggest a guy’s night out. Or, better yet: a weekend. Hey! I’ll supply the informational pamphlets!

I suspect, though, that part of this process for my son is figuring out where the lines of communication exist in his changing emotional landscape. Questions that mom can answer by sounding like a department of health manual? Still okay. Requests to be driven to the bookstore to pick up the latest issue of Maxim (initially discovered at the barber shop around the corner from my home)? Denied. He is looking for answers, but just as important, he is also looking to gauge my emotional response. And, while the 14 year old is less likely to ask this type of question aloud, I can feel him listening ferociously from the passenger seat while simultaneously monitoring me for stuttering eye tics.

This feels exactly like a minefield–but instead of blowing up, one wrong step lands everyone on a Freudian psychologist’s couch or pacing the floors of a neonatal unit. As I try to frame the facts around this latest question into a cogent, age-appropriate response that implies unconditional love, support, and the message DO NOT USE THIS INFORMATION UNTIL YOU ARE IN A LOVING, MATURE RELATIONSHIP MANY YEARS HENCE, a Lexus minivan swerves in from the side, cuts in front of me, and then slams on its brakes…which feels about right.

Here are some facts that I’ve been mulling over (because this is what I do when I get anxious, I hunt up statistics):

In Western Europe and the United States, the average age people have their first sexual experience is 17.

1 out of every 3 American girls becomes pregnant before she reaches the age of 20.

Half of all sexually active youth will contract an STD by age 25.

15 percent of women who are infertile cannot conceive solely because of an untreated STD.

Half of all new HIV infections occur among adolescents.

Sure, some of our kids will fall outside of those statistics…but not as many as any of us grown-ups would like. We are all going to know some of these statistics personally—if they are not our children, they will be our children’s friends and peers. Young people we care about will be affected.

The slideshow is aimed at an American audience and it is asking that audience to consider the strategies and outcomes of a Western European model–something that, quite frankly, will not be everyone’s cup of cultural tea. The presentation first compares young adult public health statistics in the United States and (for the most part) the Netherlands, stating that the two countries have comparable economic, education, and family-planning resources, but then goes on to outline dramatically differing outcomes:

Teen pregnancy rates are 3-6 times higher in the US than in Western Europe.

Teen gonorrhea and Chlamydia rates are 20-30 times higher in the United States than in the Netherlands.

Germany’s teen HIV rate is six times lower than ours.

The majority of U.S. teens—63 percent of boys and 69 percent of girls—wish they had waited longer to have sex, compared with only 5 percent of boys and 12 percent of girls in the Netherlands.

It is that last statistic that jumps out at me the hardest. Effective condom use (the first time they had sex, 64 percent of Dutch teens used birth control, compared with only 26 percent of American teens) can protect young adults from unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, but it takes something much more complicated than a “condoms, condoms, condoms” mantra to protect against trauma or regret: my best guess would be trusting relationships and open and honest communication…and yes, that is what the slideshow professes, that, “At the heart of [this issue] lies a contrast in attitudes toward teen sexuality. This is clear from research about how families talk about sex.”

Okay, I think as I read through the slideshow. I’m laying that foundation. We talk, we trust…

And then I get to these two paragraphs:

In a 2004 study, [researcher] Schalet asked parents: “Would you permit your son or daughter to spend the night with a girlfriend or boyfriend in his or her room at home?” Not surprisingly, nine out of 10 American parents said, no, often adding, “Not under my roof!”

Nine out of 10 Dutch parents told Schalet they have allowed or would allow a romantic sleepover under the right circumstances: With a child who was 16 or older and in a loving committed relationship that the parents observed develop gradually. It is common for Dutch teens to sit down together with each set of parents to discuss why they think they’re ready to have sex, and to seek permission.

After I’d unrolled back out from a rocking fetal position, I realized that as a parent I might be operating from more of a “don’t ask, don’t tell” perspective than I’d ever acknowledged. Sure, I am willing to provide pie charts and cautionary literature–but is that enough? It hadn’t occurred to me that it might be common anywhere for parents to sit down with their children to discuss their actual (as opposed to theoretical) sex lives, or for children to “ask their parents for permission” before entering into a sexual relationship. To be honest, I felt like it was invasive to imagine my children, the people I diapered and breast-fed, as ever being sexual. Whether I realized it or not, “send them off to college and hope for the best” was probably my go-to strategy in this instance.

Clearly, though, my children want to have this dialog with me. On their terms, at their pace. So, we’ll continue to hammer out what our family believes is moral, what love means, what emotional groundwork should be laid before sexual relationships take place…and also, we’ll continue to discuss how best to keep those two bodies that I grew inside of me healthy and happy as they become adults.

ADDITIONAL READING:

I’m going to cite it twice: the Slate.com slideshow referenced throughout this post.

For hard number on the rates of STDs in our country, this New York Times article is helpful.

If you believe that advertising helps shape culture and attitudes, this article on how media corporations define appropriate advertising criteria for condoms is interesting–essentially, condom ads that stress disease prevention are acceptable on television, while ads that even imply that condoms can be used as a form of birth control are not.