Well, well, well, Environmental Protection Agency. This is your Official Letter of Welcome to the Spill Club. What’s the Spill Club? Just a group of companies who, you know, understand what it’s like to be the cause behind various spills: oil, chemical, waste. You’re now in a group populated by the likes of Exxon, Amoco, and the Iraqi military!

It doesn’t feel too great, does it EPA? To have the leader of the Navajo Nation say things like, “They’re not going to get away with this,” about you? Remember when you fined us $18.7 billion and cut off all our new contracts in the United States? Now that you’ve joined the Spill Club maybe we should cut off your ability to write laws about human health and the environment! How would that feel? Not very good, right?

Just kidding! Hey, any time a company spills something, we feel for them, even if there was a certain schadenfreude when we saw those pictures of that very, very orange river. This is what we were trying to tell you all along: It’s pretty easy to spill stuff! Accidents happen! Did you destroy a river, its wildlife, and poison people’s drinking water? Yes! Did you mean to do that? No. And we, BP, totally understand that and are here for you, EPA. We, BP, are probably your best friend in the whole world right now.

Don’t worry, Spill Club is pretty fun. Mostly it’s just Exxon and I sitting around in wood-paneled studies comparing spill gallons (and let’s be real — 200 million gallons vs. 10 million gallons — uh, yeah, BP wins every time). Sometimes, when we’re lucky, Union Carbide shows up. You might not know Union Carbide, but in 1984 their gas leak killed 16,000 people. And guess what? The only punishment they received was a fine of $2,000 a piece for their seven top executives! Isn’t that hilarious? Yes EPA, these are now your people.

We’re really looking forward to having you around, EPA. We know you’re still figuring out the exact number of gallons of toxic sludge you dumped into that Colorado river, but once you do, it’s going to generate a lot of really fun debate at Spill Club! Who’s more negligent toward the environment: Exxon or the EPA?! Pretty cool, right guys?

It’s not all fun and games at Spill Club, though. As the newest member, we’re going to haze you. First we’ll come up with some really great nicknames, like the Environmental Ruining Agency, the Sludge Boys, and EPenisA. Then, we’ll make you do a press conference where you minimize the effects of what you’ve done, even though you know what you’re saying isn’t true! And finally, we make you go through therapy, because let’s be honest, you’ve done something terrible and you’re going to need help repressing it.

So EPA, officially, welcome to Spill Club! We’re so glad to have you. Seriously, it’s the ultimate irony and we couldn’t be happier to rub it in your stupid environmental face.