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Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

As we near the end of another year, it's time to look back on the stupid shit I did this year and vow to NOT do it again in the New Year. Like good news, bad news. Good news: I lost 30 pounds!! Bad news: I gained almost 18 of those lost pounds back. Dumbass.

I broke the 5000 mark for Facebook fans which is really cool, but only about 12 of them actually SEE my updates, which totally sucks. I'm thinking of just circumventing FB's lousy algorithms and just make a Snarky group. What do you think? Oh and one more cool thing, I've only had to ban ONE FB freak for posting about cheap sunglasses (which is a rocking ZZ Top song but not something my FB friends need to be seeing). Yay me!!

In 2014 I vowed to read a bunch of books. And failed miserably. I suck. I used to read like a beast. And then I had these kids and they wanted to go places and do things, and my books were all like, "Bitch, what about us?" and I was like "I'm sorry books, but they need me" and the books were all "So? We need you too and we were here first" and my kids were like "Mom why are you talking to your books when we're waiting to go to basketball practice." So the kids won this round and I stopped paying attention to my books. Sorry books. Maybe next year? You guys just sit there on the shelves collecting dust that I probably won't clean and I'll get to you. I promise.

I actually made a small amount of money this year with my writing! YAY!!! Money rocks!!! And I got a little more exposure with posts featured on Mamalode, In The Powder Room and Huffington Post. I'm not setting the world on fire but it's cool to see my stuff on other places besides this little page here.

I successfully made it through another year without selling my kids to gypsies, which I consider a victory. If they still are alive and I can use them as tax write-offs every December 31, I pat myself on the back and drink another glass of Malbec. Monday I came pretty close to leaving 17 in the airport forever. We went through separate security lines and they found a bottle of her favorite Bath and Body Works lotion in her carry-on. I made the horrific mistake of forgetting to tell her she couldn't carry-on liquids, so they confiscated her lotion and the TSA agent is probably now smelling like my daughter. Since we were in separate lines, 17 called me and said "You never told me I couldn't bring it on and they took it and it's discontinued and I'll never be able to replace it, so thanks." and I was all like: "CLICK"

She called me back 3 times. I hung up on her all 3 times until the 4th time when she apologized. After her flight took off, I went online and bought her 6 bottles. No shit. It may be discontinued but....internet. She may smell like a French whore bathing in donkey shit, but I found 6 bottles of it.

Oh, and there was one other really cool thing that happened in 2014 that you may or may not have heard about.

I MET MIKE ROWE!!!!

We're using this as our Christmas card next year. What do you think?

I actually did. I got to interview him when he was at the STEM conference in Washington DC and it was AWESOME!!! You can see all 7 parts of the interview here, and you can learn his stripper name, and why he'll never Dance with the Stars. He was truly fantastic and meeting him was one of the UBERHIGHLIGHTS of my year. Uberhighlight isn't a word but I don't care. It was awesome.

So there you have it, my year in review. It was a pretty amazing year and I look forward to what 2015 has in store for us all.

Happy New Year, Snarklings and thanks for joining me on this ride!! See you next year!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

I'm just gonna say it loud and proud: I am SO glad my kids are too old for the Elf on the Shelf. Seriously. What the hell kind of madness is that anyway? It's just too much! You start with him at the beginning of December and you have to work with him the whole month? Just to get your kids to behave?

There are calendars with tons of suggestion for what to do with your Elf (I can think of where you could SHOVE the little guy) from my friends Celeste, Kim and Natalie from It's Really 10 Months.

I'm thrilled that we are past that. I suffered through Teletubbies and Barney, so I think I've paid my damned dues, thank you very much. I watched Comfy Couch with my girls when they were little and we practiced the 10-Second Tidy. I watched Elmo's World where we found out from Dorothy the fish what Elmo was thinking about today. And we sang Balls Balls Balls, Dogs Dogs Dogs, and Babies Babies Babies to the tune of Jingle Bells every day. So I'm DONE. D. O. N. E. done with all that stuff.

Okay, end of that rant.

On to the next.

Let's talk about Christmas Cards. If you didn't get a card from me this year, I apologize. I just don't like you.

No, I'm kidding, really. I BOUGHT the cards. I ADDRESSED the cards. And there they sit. On my dining room table, alongside 10 lbs of sugar, 10 lbs of flour, 7 lbs of powdered sugar, 7 lbs of brown sugar and 2 lbs of baking soda. It's the most fattening time of the year. I haven't done a damned with anything on that table since I addressed the cards last week. Lucky for me, my oldest is home with mono. And by the way, THANKS ex-boyfriend. That was a very sweet early Christmas gift, that mono. The gift that keeps on giving. For 4-6 weeks. I wonder if Hallmark makes a "Thanks for giving me mono then breaking up with me, you douchey prick" card?

Oh don't worry, she's not contagious anymore, so she'll be writing out the cards and stamping them. I'll have 15 bring them down to the mailbox. And there will be, no doubt, 6 lbs of dog and cat hair in each envelope. It's a family affair. You're welcome.

I have noticed that folks are cutting back on cards, which totally works for me. I used to love writing and sending cards. Now I love looking at all the unwritten cards alongside my warehouse-full of baking tools that, as of now have all gone untouched.

If we could just have about 1.5 more weeks between now and Christmas, that'd be great. Why the hell was Thanksgiving so damned late, anyway? It's COMPLETELY thrown me off for the holiday season. They started playing Christmas music in June, so why didn't we just eat our damned turkeys in September and then I'd have a shit ton more time to get my shit done?

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Holy crap this story cracked me up. What a spoiled bitch! First it was just that she threw a fit because her macadamia nuts weren't served to her on a plate. THEN she reportedly made the flight attendant bow before her and then she made the flight crew turn the plane back to the terminal so they could kick that 'nut-in-a-bag-serving flight attendant' off the plane. What the holy freaking HELL???

To quote (sort of) Samuel L. Jackson:

"I want these MUTHERF**KIN' NUTS on a MUTHERF**KIN' PLATE!!"

Or the guy who auditioned for American Idol a few years back:

"Nuts on a plate
Nuts on a plate
Lookin' like a fool
Over nuts on a plate"

Seriously, tell me again why they didn't just take off and then kick HER entitled ass off the plane in mid-air?

Monday, December 8, 2014

Hey Snarklings, remember back when I was doing that myCharge giveaway? Well in return for my participation in that giveaway, they sent me my own myCharge Energy Shot portable charger. I'm telling you, I freaking LOVE this thing. Seriously, if I'm sitting in a basketball game and need to text my hubby the score and my phone shits the bed, it sucks. But the Energy Shot really is great and you know I wouldn't lie to you, I really love it. And now myCharge is GIVING THEM AWAY!! Not kidding. NO hoops to jump through, nothing to sign up for. It's freaking FREE!

With their #myChargeCheer campaign, all you need to do is go over to the Twitter and retweet THIS one little tweet and BOOM, you get a free portable charger. It's almost too easy. You can find them there at @myChargePower on the Twitter. So go get your FREE portable charger!!! Who doesn't like free? WEIRDOS, that's who.

Now, if you're REALLY into free stuff, here's your chance to WIN a FREE Red RAZOR PLUS!! This could be YOURS if you win!! The Razor Plus is a rechargeable battery that delivers an additional 13 hours of talk time for your smartphone.

I could be YOURS for FREE if you WIN!!!

This is the easiest contest ever in the entire world. All you need to do is subscribe to Snarkfest and leave me a blog comment below telling me that you subscribed and tell me what you want Santa to bring you for Christmas. How easy is that?? If you're already subscribed, tell me that too! If you'd like, you can also follow me on my social channels which you can find on the right side of the page under "Follow Me". Not mandatory, but you can also follow myCharge on THEIR social channels (@myChargePower on the Twitter, @myCharge on the Instagram, or HERE on the Book of Faces.) THIS FRIDAY, Dec. 12 at noon EST I will draw ONE lucky winner from all the comments left below, so get to commenting!!

So what are you waiting for!! Go RETWEET THIS for a no questions asked, totally FREE portable charger with their #myChargeCheer campaign!! And if you want something else for free, enter this contest!!! Of course, if you just want to BUY something, myCharge is offering 25% off all chargers if you use the code: JOLLY.

GO!! CHARGE!! WIN!!!

Hey one last thing, sorry to you non-US folks but this contest is ONLY for US residents.

And while I was compensated for this post, I'm not kidding, I LOVE my portable charger so my opinions are my own and they rock.

Monday, December 1, 2014

I'll admit it: my shopping is just about finished. The kids are getting one thing this year which has already been bought and paid for. My Mom's gift? Check. Brother's gift? Check. Inlaws? Check. Husband? That's about the only thing left to get. But if YOU haven't finished (started) your shopping yet, here's a headstart!!! Use this link right here to shop on Amazon.com for some fantastic Cyber Monday deals (and earn just a few cents for your favorite Snarkmeister). Or you can just click on the little Amazon logo just to the right of this post. Easy peasy.

Now for the Blue part of Blue Monday. The holidays usually always give me the blues. I hate being close to 200 miles away from my Mom and my Brother and all my friends. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE where I live and I LOVE the friends I have here. It's just that I was 'back at home' visiting this past weekend and got to spend time with my besties, my Mom and my Brother, and then spent 5 hours on a 4 hour ride home (horrible accident on I-95). And now that I'm home, I miss my family even more. It's always hard leaving my Mom. Every time. She suffers from COPD and now relies on oxygen 24/7. It's hard enough to watch your parents growing older, but to watch their health failing and knowing that you are 4 hours away from them on a GOOD day (no I-95 accidents) is just heart-wrenching. I used to be able to zip over to her apartment on a moment's notice and take her to a doctor's appointment, or to the hair dresser or food shopping. Now she must rely on others for something that was once my job. In a way, I guess I feel like I'm failing her, but I know in my heart that that's not the case. I'm a grown woman with a family of my own and a job I love.... it just happens to be in a town almost 200 miles away from where she is.

I wrote about these very same blues last year, and I know that I will snap out of it, I always do. But it's the same thing every year. I don't have the 4th of July Blues or the Labor Day Blues. But always with the Christmas Holiday Blues. I got some great suggestions last year that really did help me out. So tell me, do you suffer from the holiday blues? What do you do to get yourself out of the funk? Tell me here, or read last year's post and the suggestions I received then. Do they help?