My neighbor, Clair, and I spend a lot of time chatting over coffee. We talk about life, her schoolwork, kids and – of course – dating and men. We’ve traditionally done this at my house because (until recently) I made better coffee.

About this time last year, Clair started asking what I was doing with my coffee that she wasn’t doing with hers. To remedy her angst, I bought her all the necessary tools for Christmas – a coffee grinder and a French press – and told her what kind of beans I use.

One early Friday morning in February she showed up at my door with a wild look in her eye. “I don’t know what you’re doing that I’m not, but my coffee is still crap! I NEED SOME COFFEE ASAP.”

I pulled her into the house and pushed a cup on her. Then we made a new pot, going through the process step by step. Her problem: she wasn’t grinding long enough. (Get your mind out of the gutter…all that comes later in the story.)

The next time I saw her, she was all smiles. “My coffee ROCKED this morning.” We high-fived and got on with the chatting.

A few weeks ago, I was driving home from work when Clair called and said, “Are you sitting down? Cause I’ve got a story for you. You need to put this one in your dating blog.”

[I’ll wait while you get your own blog-reading beverage. You are not going to believe the magnitude of this Disastrous Dating Don’t, straight out of Clair’s Technicolor-Single-Girl Life.]

Clair: So one of my vendors, Maurice, came over this morning. I asked him to bring me back all of my tile samples so I could take some pictures for Pier 1.

Me: Very cool.

Clair: Yep. So he got here early while I was making coffee and we had a cup and talked for a while. He hadn’t been here since Shiny Man moved out.

[Note: more on THE EX another time – suffice it to say that when they broke up, he spoke about himself in the third person: It’s time for Randy to SHINE. Randy’s gonna go to Vegas and Shine. Good riddance, I told her…hope he’s really sparkly somewhere FAR FROM YOU. Now he will always and ever be known as “Shiny Man” or “Mr. Sparkles.”]

Clair: So I told Maurice about school and we caught up on each other’s live. He asked me if I was dating anyone and I told him I wasn’t really dating right now, that the focus was on school. I’m telling you, Jen, his whole demeanor changed. His voice got deeper, he tilted his head down and leaned toward me. Then he said: “But you’ve got NEEDS, don’t you?”

Me: Shut up, he did NOT say that!

Clair: Oh, but he did. Then he proceeded to lay out a whole “friends with benefits, no strings attached” relationship.

Me: This guy is MARRIED?!!

Clair: Yep

Me: Bastard!

Clair: Yep.

Me: And then what happened?

Clair: I told him I had to get to school and I’d walk him out.

Me: Hysterical laughter

Clair: Oh, it gets worse.

Me: Thank God I’m stuck in traffic or I’d have to pull over. (I believe I was snorting by then.) How could it POSSIBLY get worse than Married Maurice propositioning you in your kitchen?

Clair: Well, I walked him outside to let him out of the gate so he could get to his car. I was turning to go back to my apartment when he called my name. I turned around and saw him running toward me. I thought he forgot something so I went back to the gate.

You’re not going to believe this part. He pointed to his groin and said: “I’ve got a really great tool. I could take good care of you, make you really happy.”

Me: Crowing with laughter. Seriously? Like, “Me love you long time?” He actually pointed to his crotch and said— (I couldn’t finish.)

Clair: He actually pointed.

Me: So what did you do?

Clair: I doubled over laughing.

Me: What did he say about THAT? That’s kind of a tool-breaker, you know.

Clair: I don’t know. I was laughing too hard. I just kind of waved my hand at him and he left.

Me: I wiped my eyes and took a few deep breaths before I dug down for more details. Has he ever propositioned you before?

Clair: No.

Me: Indicated that he was attracted to you?

Clair: I knew he was attracted to me but he’s never said anything like this before. He’s always been a perfect gentleman. Very respectful.

Me: Hmmm. So all this happened, what…in the ten or fifteen minutes he was in your house?

Clair: Yes. I can’t figure out what got him started.

Me: More laughter. That must have been some cup of coffee.

Clair: You think it was the coffee?

Me: Had you ever offered him any before?

Clair: No.

Me: Apparently you make magic coffee. Congratulations. I think you should offer it to any man who comes in your house that you WANT to sleep with. Keep it away from all the others.

The moral of this story:

If you’re married, don’t go propositioning single women. They will TRASH you to their friends (and with good reason). Plus, it’s just tacky. Same advice goes for married women.

Using the word “Tool” as part of any seduction line is a guaranteed Disastrous Dating Don’t. As proud as you may be of your sparkly whatever, this is the time when “Show, Don’t Tell” takes on a whole new level of importance.

Last but not least: apparently COFFEE has entered the dating lexicon as a seduction element (at least when Clair makes it). So when you’re stocking your pantry for that romantic evening, your new shopping list is: wine, chocolate, strawberries, whipped cream AND coffee. Who knew?

I hope y’all have a great weekend. What are your favorite Dating Do’s? On the flip side, do you have any Tool-Tilting Debacles of your own?

I really love hearing from you! To show that love, I launched the Let’s Meet Up (for Training) contest this month. We’re in the final days for the May Webinar. Winners and the topic for May will be announced on Tuesday, May 17th!

Between now and then, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. Everyone who does not win a spot in the May webinar will be entered in the June webinar. Same thing for July. There are forty-five spots for the taking and I want to see one of them go to everyone who wants one!

That was “something,” all right, MPax! I swear to God, I would have swerved in my lane if I’d not been stuck in traffic at that moment. You’re welcome for the laugh – I laughed the whole time I wrote it.