The Politics of Lesbian Sex: Before, During, After

There is nothing that can reduce an otherwise well adjusted, intelligent adult to an awkward, irrational mess like sex. As if “just doing it” wasn’t complicated enough, navigating the before and after is a little like trying to make your way through a maze in the dark after having forty three margaritas. The bottom line is you often end up horribly confused with a bunch of bush in your face and not a whole lot else to show for it. I’m not sure why it’s so complicated. It’s supposed to be natural, instinctual, scientific even but all too often it just ends up being a bit of a mess.

In light of my own fiascoes, most often concerning the “morning after,” I’ve decided to try and break sex (and the politics) down into its component parts. My hope being that through analysis I will be able to uncover something that will not result in me lying in people’s beds like a piece of driftwood hoping for some kind of natural disaster to strike. Providing the perfect cover for me to rush out the door before they wake up.

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The Before

The first and most basic question when it comes to sex is “when the hell are we going to do this thing.” Might seem pretty straightforward right? WRONG. “Apparently” THERE IS NOTHING more important than deciding when to do it. A conundrum that in my mind has become the classic catch 22. When it comes to sex, if you do it too early you’re easy or you aren’t taking the courtship seriously. On the other hand, if you do it too late you’re a tease and they might just lose interest before you finally decide to put out. I don’t know about you but this leaves me feeling a little like Goldilocks trying to figure out when the time to spread your legs is “jussssst right.”

The worst part about this idiotic dilemma is that as women, we do it to ourselves. I was at a party the other day discussing this very conundrum with a friend who is beautiful, accomplished and not single. I explained that I was dating someone who I was interested in and slept with them on the second date and hadn’t heard from them since.

Her immediate response was “oh you can’t sleep with them that quickly. You gave up all the power and now they will lose interest.” I’ve been hearing permutations of this my entire life, and every time I hear it I want to simultaneously shake the person saying it and scream with frustration.

Here’s why: if sex is my main source of power and the most interesting thing about me I have WAY bigger problems than sleeping with someone on the second date.

I understand why we all say things like this about when to have sex but we should stop and instead focus on ideas like this:

Power is being confident, positive and engaging. Power is having sex and feeling/projecting all of those things when you do it. If you want to/can have that kind of sex with someone on the second date, do it. If you can’t until the sixth date or third month — wait for it. Also, sex isn’t what makes you interesting. Being a dynamic, thoughtful adult is. Let someone get to know your body the way they get to know your mind. Reveal things, show them around, be playful — but most importantly you dictate the timeline.

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The During

OK! You’re doing it! It’s finally happening! And … it’s just not what you expected.

Listen: the first couple times it never is. Just like you can’t ever anticipate the trajectory of a conversation on a first date, the first couple times you sleep with someone, you’re always in for a surprise.

The takeaway here is: expect the unexpected, be flexible, and avoid questioning the validity of your entire relationship if she does/doesn’t do something you don’t like. People are people. They get nervous, and just like any coordinated activity, some couples need time to sync with each other.

Be patient, say what you want, and have fun. If you accidentally head butt — laugh. Humor in bed is sexy! If you or they don’t come the first or second or tenth time you get naked together, don’t panic. It will happen eventually. You can always resort to the old-time trick of quickly masturbating in their bathroom to decrease your sexual frustration.

But! There are some things that are the equivalent of a black flag during the Indy 500.

If she closes up shop every time you want to talk about sex, you’re gonna keep having problems. Also if she’s not willing to try and speak the language, that also takes out verbal foreplay — sexting, talking dirty and all the amazing things that are SO MUCH FUN.

Also if you and/or she has to be wasted every time — not good! I’m all for a little lubrication by cocktail the first couple times. The key is having a FEW, not MANY. A few will relax you and give you time to work up to it. Many will cause you to be uncoordinated and emotionally checked out.

Remember, the end game here is to eventually have sex sober. You want to scale back the cocktails until you feel perfectly comfortable hoping into bed, with the lights on, looking at each other and then going for it. If this seems like it could never happen, probably put your panties back on now and head for the door.+

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The After

Let me paint a little picture for you.

Your eyes flutter open a slit and you take a quick look around. You think it’s strange that you can’t quite place that painting at the foot of the bed. There is something warm next to you. Your sleep/alcohol addled mind is straining to put the pieces together. Suddenly your eyes snap open, you go completely stiff and and basically stop breathing. HOLY SHIT, you had sex last night and while the post coital spooning was great you have both now moved into your sleeping positions. This could mean the other person in the bed is clinging to the edge with about two feet of space between you or it could mean you are wearing them like a human backpack. Either way, you are just lying there thinking – “OMG are they awake, do they know I’m awake and how fast can I get out of here.”

Now let me digress slightly to say a lot of lesbians aren’t like me and they couldn’t be happier to have intense physical and emotional intimacy with someone right off the bat. You know what I’m saying right, they are the girls all the jokes are about. To you ladies I say, read this and it will help you understand the women who don’t want to spend the morning after you first sleep together staring into your eyes and proclaiming how much they like you. To the ladies like me, I feel you.

Back to my little scenario, so there you are playing light as a feather, stiff as a board WITH YOURSELF in someone’s bed. You had a great time, you might even like them, but you need to get the fuck out of there. You need a glass of water, a shower and a toothbrush. You need to find your underwear and don’t want her to wake up while you are crawling around on the floor with your ass in the air looking for it. You have no idea what the sex and last night’s sleep did to your hair/make-up and you don’t want to know. What you need right now is an exit strategy and you need it fast.

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I am terrible at the morning after. I feel vulnerable and I want to put some clothes on. I don’t want to talk about it (sex) or my feelings because I don’t know what they are yet. I need to get into my own space and digest the previous evenings events and then get back to you with my thoughts. I will say that most people are as bad, if not worse than I am at the next morning. But I’m working on it and they (you) should be too because if you can nail the morning after then you are basically a dating god.

In the spirit of group learning, here are a few simple tips that I’ve learned over the years that are making the morning after a little less painful.

Tactfully offer your sleepover guest a toothbrush. Everyone wants to brush their teeth in the morning or before bed but asking for it sounds like moving in. So offer.

Make physical contact. Going from touching someone on their insides to not being able to make any kind of physical contact in the morning makes you weird. Stop being weird. Note of caution: while you want to be able to touch someone on their leg and hug them you might want to watch the super intense intimate touching. You know what I’m talking about, the kind that gives someone the impression you are ready to walk down the aisle.

Do text them that day. Tell them you had a great time. If you didn’t, say something else noncommittal and cute. I don’t care if you think this person is the one or not. They just exposed themselves to you and got naked. Show some respect. If you’re worried about them thinking you are too into them, get over yourself. There’s no drawback to being kind to someone, just watch what you say.

Keep it in perspective. Just because you had sex doesn’t mean you love them or they love you. Try to stop the involuntary pedal-to -the-metal emotional reaction that occurs after sex. On that same note, if they ran out of your house like they were being chased by the hounds of hell remember this, mornings are horribly fucking awkward. Cut them some slack.

So that’s it. Once you’ve done it, if you liked it, keep doin it. Have fun with it, you aren’t crafting a solution for world peace. Work at it and stay honest about it, the before and the after both with her and with yourself.

Alright enough of all these pointers and philosophies about the politics of sex. It’s summer.

Go get laid.

If you want to talk back or read more stuff, follow me on twitter @sarahh314.

Thank you for the ‘make physical contact’ comment. There are very few things more awkward than the morning after when someone hops out of your bed immediately and won’t touch you.

Then again I used to be one of the awkward WE SHOULD GET MARRIED touchers. So yes, it is all about balance.

Also I agree with your point about when you should start sleeping with someone. Do it when you both want to and feel comfortable doing such. It doesn’t matter if it’s first date or six months later, after you’re in a legit relationship. WHATEVER. I tend to lean more towards the ‘right away’ but I’m like that…as my friends know, I have priorities, and they are in my pants.

i tried keeping my priorities in my bra but it looks really bulgy like i have a growth or something. so yeah, pants priorities for me. plus if you keep your priorities in your cleavage they get all sweaty and gross. and you don’t want sweaty priorities.

also may you NOT end up making a profile on OKCupid because you can’t find that ass readily available on your campus thereby provoking your need to join the AS OkCupid Survivor Group after you’ve experienced the trauma of online sexual skeevers.

okay.
yeah.
that sounds complete. i wish i could’ve put it in a card for ya!

i found my ex on okcupid and it was great until she wanted a “break” and now she’s with someone else.

now i’m using my okcupid account to look for friends in lubbock before i move there. and it totally works! i met some awesome friend people (because i don’t want a relationship for another fifty years at this point) and i got invited to join roller derby. ROLLER DERBY. THAT HAS BEEN MY DREAM SINCE I WAS FIVE AND I WENT TO THE ROLLER RINK AND PRETENDED I WAS KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES AND WAS THE FASTEST SKATER EVER.

“You had a great time, you might even like them, but you need to get the fuck out of there…I need to get into my own space and digest the previous evenings events and then get back to you with my thoughts. ”

I had so many problems with this in general with my ex. She had to talk about everything ever immediately and didn’t understand that right away I really didn’t have a reaction. I need time and space to parse and to think and to analyze.

This. You can either have my opinion when it’s thought through, scrutinized and considered or you know, you can have whatever brain barf I first I manage to spew (probs offending you at the same time) right this second. Entirely up to you.

Right? It’s like before I have the time to process there aren’t even words, and then I sound like an asshole with the uh and uhm and er and well. And I’m totally going to say stupid shit and I’m going to say something offensive because I have no idea what I’m even talking about. And then she’s crying and I’m confused because I don’t even know what I said… It’s just all kinds of trouble.

‘ “oh you can’t sleep with them that quickly. You gave up all the power and now they will lose interest.”I’ve been hearing permutations of this my entire life, and every time I hear it I want to simultaneously shake the person saying it and scream with frustration.’

Yes yes yes. Maybe I’m socially impaired but I never understood this whole “power” thing. To me flirting/dating/relationships are supposed to be something fun you do with people you like or think you might like, not power struggles and mindgames – this kind of shit is supposed to happen between enemies.
I also think it’s deeply sexist and I can’t believe this idea is perpetruated in the lesbian community – the idea that somehow women are not supposed to want and enjoy sex, and doing it is an act of weakness/surrender/sacrifice. WTF.

Oh and thanks for the “after” part – if a girl were to behave that way the morning after with me I’d believe she thinks it was terrible and don’t want to see me ever again or was just interested in fucking me once, but I can understand the need to process the whole thing alone.

I never understood it either. When you think about, enforcing upon yourself a way you “should” act is really only taking your true power away. The power of being yourself and doing what you want. THAT is really hot.

“I also think it’s deeply sexist and I can’t believe this idea is perpetruated in the lesbian community – the idea that somehow women are not supposed to want and enjoy sex, and doing it is an act of weakness/surrender/sacrifice. WTF.”

Right? The idea that I’m somehow giving up my POWER because I slept with some one when I wanted to sleep with some one? I’m not going to lie and say that sex doesn’t make me more emotionally vulnerable because it does. But that’s my hang up, not anyone else’s and they aren’t responsible for coddling me and letting me know that they still respect me in the morning. Because, why shouldn’t they?

Well see here’s the issue with having sex right away– if you engage in intimate relations with him in the bedroom and he does not understand precisely how to “take care of” his spendings, since you have already sacrificed the honor of your name and your family by engaging in relations with him he is unlikely to take responsibility for the life now formed underneath your swelling belly, which means you need to take a leave out into the country to avoid scandal and that your offspring will never have the 20,000 pounds per annum that you planned so that they might purchase a large plot of land by the sea in Bath.

…Is there not something wrong with this picture? Or several somethings?

Right? The morning after thing? This happened to me the first time I slept with anyone, ever…I was happy as a clam (haha, vagina jokes) (well, a clam with a vague red wine hangover) and she basically vacated my apartment like there was a herd of wildebeests after her. Never seen anyone dress that fast.

I didn’t think about the fact that she needed to process, although we never talked about it until over a year later (and then we still didn’t really talk about it). I just thought she regretted the situation and made a break for it.

So yes, please, for the love of all that is holy (vagina) if you run off in the morning, text the girl you slept with later and say you had a good time. It’s only courteous.

Yeah, one of them looks exactly like my girlfriend…who is mixed. So.
Also, to the first commenter: Maybe it’s a better idea to complain on a thread where the pictures actually AREN’T very diverse, instead of one of the few where my first thought was, “These pictures actually look like the girls I date! That makes me happy!” So I pretty much had the exact opposite reaction. Anyway.
End of thought.

I just got out of a 3+ year relationship a few months ago. I’d forgotten all about this stuff, remembering this is how dating works is really stressful. OMG, I never want to date again, it’s too complicated.

The toothbrush thing is pretty important to me. But I usually keep one in my satchel at all times regardless. I don’t mind being touchy feely with you in the morning but I’m going to want to brush my teef first. And if you don’t want to be touchy feely, I’m still going to want to brush my teeth first.

Etiquette tips, yes! Authenticity and communication, double yes! When in doubt, go s l o w e r, do less. It’s so hot to be totally there. Why are we in such a rush all the time, that we need booze to get nekked with a lady? Not saying it can’t be casual, but if it screams in the light of day, maybe it was too fast? It’s supersexy to be really present in all we do. Thanks for the article.

Yeah I definetly got the wait for sex cause I made that mistake and that will NEVER happen again. Girl I was dating flipped OUT when I said no and we had only seen each other twice! Made me feel better to say no then yes when I was not sure I wanted a sex thing with her. By the way she nutted out I am again REAL glad I get my pack out of the sack!!

Hmmmm…. I guess I don’t relate to this article much because I just go with the flow, I am up front about what my intentions are and I don’t have to deal with the after because overnights are absent until/unless something significant is established. But that is just me.

That is me too (*cough* with a few exceptions) but I ALWAYS have to at least have known the person for a couple of months, whatever our previous relations to one another were [acquaintances, friends, dates, etc] though the surprise change in that relationship can be a little confusing at first. But the bolting phenomenon is def not something I’ve experienced, and I’m not sure if I ever will.

I swear to frickin god yo! Like I can’t believe this, so lesbians will really sneak out on you just like a dude!!? EW! That’s why I’m definitely definitely never falling into bed with anyone that I’ve been seeing for less than a month/90 days. There is no way in hell I could tolerate that “morning-after-awkwardness” crap. I love how people wanna act like “rules” are just so arbitrary and archaic and “heteronormative”. Obviously they’re not.

The morning after is the worst part. My gf always gets reeeeally awkward so it makes me feel as though I should feel awkward too and so we’re a mess of awkwardness. And then we find our clothes and make breakfast and sit on the couch kinda not quite touching and make weird conversation.

But then I think “man she looks hot with bed-hair” so I say something like “you’re incredibly sexy” just out loud during an ad break on tv or something and there’s a pause and then we start making out again.

“If she closes up shop every time you want to talk about sex, you’re gonna keep having problems. Also if she’s not willing to try and speak the language, that also takes out verbal foreplay – sexting, talking dirty and all the amazing things that are SO MUCH FUN.”

Word! I got dumped once because the person I was seeing could. not. talk. about. sex. And that’s basically all I want to do. So.

YES. This! There are two things that my brain thinks about constantly: food and sex. Hence, most of my random ramblings (or legit convos) are about food and/or sex. If sex can’t be talked about….or if, god forbid, you hate food…. it’s pretty much the end of THAT.

My general commentary goes something like “God, this is so tasty it’s like I’ve got cheese and honey fingerblasting on my palate. Coincidentally, I think you should take off your pants.” I can’t help that my default mode is stream of consciousness dirt laced with food and, like, crafts.

Hmmmm. I’m confused. When i’ve had sex, it’s been with girls I want to have sex with. First date, fifth date, whenever we damn well please. Forget all this power bullshit, if you and the girl want to have sex, then have sex! Then when you wake up in the morning, smile, say “that was super fun!” offer to make the chick some pancakes, and then go about your day. If you don’t act like it was the end of the world, it wont be. If you need to go leave and “process”, then say something like “I gotta get going, but i’ll talk to you later.” Then if you’re on the other side of this statement, you respond “ok, see ya!” See? Easy. If it’s your apartment, and you want her to leave, you say “Hey, i’ve got some things to take care of in a little bit, so i’m going to jump in the shower. You need anything? No? OK cool, then i’ll talk to you later.” Then she’ll get the hint and leave.

Why on EARTH would you bolt for the door? Staying for a bit in the morning does not equal wanting to get married immediately. Be a little damn considerate and have a civilized conversation with the lady you got naked with and had (hopefully) a great time with the night before. If you sprint out, and then she never calls, or never returns your calls, are you really that surprised?

Yeah, I agree. I don’t understand what’s so hard about being polite and leaving easily. Just make up a reason you have to leave early, then politely kiss her goodbye and leave. It’s not that hard.

If someone ran out in the morning after having sex with me, with little to no explanation, I would wonder what they were so afraid of (sorry, sex is NOT awkward to me) and would definitely not call them again.

Um. If a girl acted like that the morning after we had sex, I’d probably cry and then never speak to her again. Because I’d assume she hated me. Reason #389 why I’m not cut out for casual sex.

If you can deal with awkward mornings though, more power to you! Just not something I want to go through. If I don’t think we’ll both be super happy the morning after, why would I want to have sex in the first place?

But I totally agree with this:

“sex isn’t what makes you interesting. Being a dynamic, thoughtful adult is. Let someone get to know your body the way they get to know your mind. Reveal things, show them around, be playful — but most importantly you dictate the timeline.”

Anyone worthy of your time will like you for having sex whenever it feels right for you, rather than listening to some antiquated rules about when you “should” have sex. If someone judges your worth based on when you have sex rather than who you are as a person, drop them immediately and consider them a bullet dodged.

1. I had a great time
2. I am going to go home– even if this is obvious, it helps to say it in a way that shows that you are not simply trying to leave her, but you have a destination you have to get to, even if its just to sleep. There is seriously nothing wrong with saying ” I need to get some sleep” if you say it with a smile on your face.
3. If you ever feel like you would want to see this person again, say so then

I am fine with the before, good with the during (yeah I said it) but the morning after :O This might make me a slut, but you can see me naked when I’m drunk and it’s dark. Not in the cold harsh light of hangover. So when I was reading your four helpful suggestions, I felt like you were pointing at me going “I MEAN YOU SOPHIA!! For GODS sake, get over yourself and offer the girl a toothbrush!”

Lesbian morning after makes me miss penis sex etiquette. Get drunk, lucky if you make it to a bed to do it, once he’s finished, you either get a number or you don’t. The morning after is just pulling up your underwear and back to the dancefloor.

i’m normally pretty crap when it comes to the morning after but my worst experience had to be with a man. we slept together in university dorms, he went to the hall to get some breakfast and came back with 4 male friends and insisted we all went out for lunch before i’d even got dressed.

another morning after tip – get chinese slippers, flip flops from nail salons & old sweatshirts to give those girls with heels & dresses. in order to avoid them stealing your shoes & hoodies.

another morning after tip…(courtesy of @magsmccaffrey)
if the girl wants to stay and cuddle. and u want her to leave. put on your yoga gear. tell her u have a class. walk her 2 a cab. walk around the block then go home & back 2 sleep!

Love this article.
The pretty much tackled the whole before and am over trying to give each girl time limit before sex.
But the after part sometimes kills me when they’re a talker, when I don’t like to say anything the first hour of waking. Also I don’t like waking up to anyone hugging me whether friend or lover, mainly because when I start becoming conscious I assume the worst(serial killer, cannibal, etc) before opening my eyes and always have like a mini heart attack or something.

this is how i am with my current fwb situation. we don’t talk about our feeling because we are pretending they don’t exist. and when I stay over i get the hell out asap because i am scared of bad breath (no matter who it belongs to) and because i don’t wanna deal with the talking afterwards stuff. and then we play the “who’s gonna text who first” game because we have a stupid complicated fwb thingy. but i’m highly allergic relationships right now soooo…..plus i’m moving across the huge state of texas next month and they don’t do long distance. this comment just made me realize how much i hate this situation

I think instead of focusing on when is the right time in terms of what your partner will think of you, you should be thinking about “what is right for me? how well do I know this person? is this what I want?”

If you’re the type of person who can do one night stand sort of things, own it with all you’ve got. Things may get awkward at the end, but that’s the price you pay, and, hey, it’s just a one time thing (with, perhaps, a repeat if it’s good.)

If, like me, you find yourself looking for a real partner and not just a sex buddy, you might want to wait. Wait till you really know the person with and it feels right giving all of yourself to that person. The sex will be much better, and you’ll know their idiosyncrasies, so it won’t be surprising and awkward.

I know I’m late commenting on this post, but I read this article when it was first published and THANK GOD I did! Last weekend, I totally found myself in the “after” predicament and, luckily, Autostraddle had taught me EXACTLY what to do, which stopped me from panicking like a crazy girl. Thank you Autostraddle. You have my devotion. Forever.

I would also advise, in case you REALLY can’t see your underwear anywhere in the room from the position in which you are in in the bed…. Just leave it. That makes for a great way of seeing that person again, bringing up the fact that you slept together, and emphasize the fact that they took your underwear off with such eager passion that it landed somewhere very remote.

Also, nothing good like a post-sex morning, walking home with a smile on your face and no underwear. It feels liberating.

In my most recent experience, we definitely rushed into having sex. This was a budding long-distance-type relationship, and we talked on the phone every night, but only got to see each other once, maybe twice, a week. The sexual tension on our last official date was tar thick and we ended up having sex in the back seat of her car, up on my city’s version of make-out point. It was too soon, and our relationship disintegrated within a week afterwards. We’d only been seeing/talking for maybe 5 weeks, but by the time we had sex for real, we’d already talked or texted each other through it several times. Maybe that’s why we felt so comfortable doing it so soon? But, like I said, the relationship ended soon afterwards. Neither of us was emotionally ready for the ramifications of having done it, I think. I know I felt disrespected due to her perceived distance following that night, and she admitted to pulling away because she wasn’t ready to get so serious so soon. I was definitely the instigator in the sex having, I would say, having tried to make it happen on our first date (which didn’t feel like a first date, cause I was so comfortable with this girl) but I was respectful of her desire to take things slow. When we finally did it, she asked for it. I wasn’t as sure as I had been on the first date, but felt like I’d already given the green light and that taking it back would mean, I don’t know, that I was a tease or something and I didn’t want that…

I’m not really sure what to make of the whole experience just yet, since we just broke things off, but I felt it was necessary to share in this thread.

I’m glad you shared this cuz I believe in rules right now, at the very least the old three day rule.I thought in the context of having established a relationship in someway for sometime prior, maybe you could disregard rules. Guess that’s not a garuantee.

okay so basically I met a girl and had sex with her right away. This happened on Sunday it was awesome. After when we were lying in her bed she told me it was her first time. I was kind of freaking out inside, I didn’t show her how worried I was. When i finally did leave I made sure I kissed her and hugged her she said she would like to meet up again. We have been sexting through out the week not too much. Today she tells me that she is straight… I told her that I wish her the best. I don’t care about her sexual preference but I wish I wasn’t her first girl on girl. I’m left with this really self conscious feeling.

That’s the risk we run when we don’t respect the rules. It’s kind of hilarious though that she’s the “virgin” (virgin virgin or just Sapphic sex virgin?) but apparently you’re the one feeling self conscious. Any way I wouldn’t fell too bad about it, if she’s literally a virgin I’m sure you were better for her at that time than a dude would’ve been.

Haven’t had sex with a woman yet, but I anticipate every day! Can’t wait for my first time. Hope its lovely. But if its not, I’ll get the hang of it eventually :). On a side note, that picture with the dark skinned girl with no panties on gave me a lady boner!

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