Americans United At Last: Trump's A Dirty, Crimey, Crooked Man

Nearly two-thirds of Americans in the latest Quinnipiac University Poll think Donald Trump committed crimes before he became president, and just under half think he's committed crimes while in office. There's the usual partisan split you'd expect in the results, but even 33 percent of Republicans said they thought Trump had committed crimes before getting sworn in (48 percent said they thought he hadn't. Dude can't even get a majority of Republicans who think he was a totally honest guy!) Let's enjoy some good clean aerobic poll dancing!

Outside that plurality of Rs who say Trump didn't crime at all, "Every other listed party, gender, education, age and racial group says by wide margins that Trump committed crimes." Yeah, but only because all polls with bad news for Trump are completely made up, you see.

More results! It seems a lot of us have a very flexible notion of what a "crime" even is!

U.S. voters are divided 45-43 percent on whether Trump committed any crimes while he has been president. A presidential candidate paying money to hide a negative story during a campaign, and not disclosing that payment, is unethical and a crime, 40 percent of voters say. Another 21 percent say it is unethical, but not a crime, and 20 percent say it is not unethical.

Also, even this totally fake poll that was completely made up had some mildly encouraging news for Trump: While Americans want Congress to further investigate "Michael Cohen's claims about President Trump's unethical and illegal behavior" (58-35 percent), they aren't quite ready to commit to impeachment: 35 percent think Congress should start impeachment proceedings, while 59 percent said nah.

In other Cohen hearings news,

American voters believe Cohen more than Trump 50-35 percent. Cohen told the truth, 44 percent of voters say, while 36 percent say he did not tell the truth.

Voters approve 41-36 percent of the way Democrats in Congress handled Cohen's testimony before the U.S. House Oversight Committee. Voters disapprove 51-25 percent of the way Republicans handled the Cohen hearing.

Huh! It seems that just yelling that Cohen is a liar and WHAR BOXES? didn't win so big with most Americans, as if that shitshow were aimed at them anyway. Hell, only 47 percent of Republicans approved of their own party's handling of the hearing, although only 23 percent outright disapproved; another 31 percent had no answer or didn't know, which suggests maybe the hearings weren't must-see TV for Rs. They may have waited for Fox News to tell them what to think (Democrats disapproved 73 to 9 percent, and only 18 percent had no opinion or answer.)

Also, Americans for some reason (brainwashing by the fake media, no doubt) do not see Donald Trump as a parasol of virtue:

Voters say 65 - 30 percent that Trump is not honest, his worst grade ever on that character trait. He gets negative grades on other traits:

39 - 58 percent that he has good leadership skills;39 - 58 percent that he cares about average Americans;22 - 71 percent that he is a good role model for children.

A related poll of actual children that we just made up ourselves found that the very thought of Donald Trump makes most children reach for a comfort object as long as it is not Trumpy Bear.

Also, George Conway had some thoughts on the poll, and those thoughts probably mean he'll be sleeping on the couch a while longer:

Still, it's not all bad news for the Great Man, as smartass writer person Christopher Farnsworth pointed out on the Twitter machine:

In conclusion, Quinnipiac University is not the Wharton School, so what do those eggheads even know about real numbers? The only numbers that matter are the numbers that show how much Donald Trump is loved by Republicans, as Trump explained this morning:

Also please ignore the data indicating that "Republicans" is a shrinking category as more embarrassed former party members have taken to identifying themselves as "independent." Those who still love Trump REALLY love Trump, and they are the only real Americans left. The other two-thirds of the country are actually figments of pollsters' imaginations.

And now, assuming you even exist, dear reader, it is your OPEN THREAD.