Hel­lo, all. My name is Hol­ly Gab­nit, and I am Vice Pres­i­dent, Chief Com­pli­ance Offi­cer, Gen­er­al Coun­sel, and Sec­re­tary of Bil­litt Firearms, an Amer­i­can tra­di­tion since 1861. In the past two months, sales of fine Fil­litt pis­tols, rifles, hand­guns and advance firearms have increased ten­fold. There’s been a lot of mis­in­for­ma­tion about Bil­litt and our Own­er & CEO H.J. But­ter­foot and we need­ed a plat­form to espouse our ideas. Minu­tiæ was the per­fect fit to let the world know about Billitt’s com­mit­ment not only to qual­i­ty supe­ri­or firearms, but to a supe­ri­or qual­i­ty of life for all Amer­i­cans, so we’d like to clear up what Mr. But­ter­foot meant by some of his recent com­ments.

When Mr. But­ter­foot said that “only those with­out strong wills or the sup­port of the Almighty Chris­t­ian Lord could be hurt by our Quad Bar­reled Pow­er Shot­gun,” he was talk­ing about the fine crafts­man­ship and per­for­mance of our new Quad Bar­reled Pow­er Shot­guns. The high-bore pump action steel firearm weighs under five pounds, but fea­tures front and rear sights, four bar­rels, and a loose trig­ger that makes it ide­al for hunt­ing, neigh­bor­hood pro­tec­tion or just walk­ing around.

Last month, while at a lun­cheon in Fair­fax, VA for Amer­i­can man­u­fac­tur­ers, Mr. But­ter­foot spoke enthu­si­as­ti­cal­ly about our 12mm pres­sur­ized hol­low point ammu­ni­tion when he said “[the] queer’s skin is thin­ner as to be punc­tured and pen­e­trat­ed by the weak­est of bul­lets. Each and every ‘Sun­day Susan Dandy’ knows as such as they go about pro­toc­u­lat­ing [sic] with each oth­er.” Mr. But­ter­foot more pre­cise­ly meant that the new ammu­ni­tion is a use­ful tool for law enforce­ment in the face of grow­ing socio-polit­i­cal dan­gers both at home and abroad.

At our annu­al share­hold­ers meet­ing in Jan­u­ary, Mr. But­ter­foot did in fact say “[that] these sodomites are all over our tele­vi­sion screens, in our movies, teach­ing our chil­dren and fapu­lat­ting [sic] in our bar­racks while that [African Amer­i­can] Mus­lim sits back and flash­es his big [pri­mate smile],” but he meant that Bil­litt is excit­ed to serve our cur­rent cus­tomers as well as wel­come new­com­ers to expe­ri­ence the high stan­dard of Bil­litt man­u­fac­tur­ing.

Final­ly, we’d like to clar­i­fy what Mr. Butterfoot’s state­ment while appear­ing as a guest celebri­ty judge on NBC’s Poke or Slurp. What Mr. But­ter­foot meant was that Bil­litt Firearms is an Amer­i­can insti­tu­tion found­ed by Her­man But­ter­foot Sr. short­ly after the begin­ning of the Civ­il War, Bil­litt has seen this coun­try through good times and bad, and has always been there for its cit­i­zens. What was heard, though, was “queer wob­ble­tuck on the high. Bing rabab­u­lat­ed upon wikki­ty [skull].” Sage advice that Bil­litt Firearms fol­lows to this very day.