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Wednesday, 31 August 2011

How dare people worry about something they’ve caused?
Not only friends nor boys come on go…
Everyone in our life comes and goes as they please.
They think they could just turn up in our life and walk away.
Turn up and walk away… Walk away.

Blind faith.
Why do I never learn?
In the end, the fact that
“You only have yourself”
Will be smacked right into your face and
There’s nothing left to do but turn your eyes into waterfalls.
No matter how hard you control the flow,
The current’s just too strong to be handled.

I always end up being hurt because I easily let people in.
They get too close to hurt me. I turn out stupid.
I never learn. I just realize all my mistakes when it’s too late already.
I never learn.

Is this the price I gotta pay for all the wrong things I did?
… To be taken for granted by the people I care for?

You know what sucks?
It’s the fact that I know I’ve been through this already.
I just can’t do anything to avoid it.

Saturday, 27 August 2011

I’ve been amazed by the text art symbol above that’s why I used it as title. Heehee. Anyway…
After almost a week of just staring at the “New Post” page, I thought I should update this blog now (since it’s raining and the plans for tonight have been cancelled)…
Starting in 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

☒ My dad still hates me. Or something. We’re not talking to each other since forever. I don’t really care now. I’m already used to it. It just feels so weird now that when he needed something, like a glass of water, he’d call anyone but me even if I’m the one whose available or in sight. It’s so strange; we’re like strangers living in the same house. At least he doesn’t actually “require” me to do something for him anymore. I’m not sure if that’s something to be happy about, though. We live in the same house as if we’re not recognized in each other’s radar. Pfft.

☒ A few weeks ago, Xang planned to celebrate her birthday today. But due to some things that I should be upset about but not really, the celeb that was planned since last last week didn’t happen.

I was even KINDA sad last night when Ken told me he wouldn’t make it. I just badly wanted him to be there. I want to be with him at every possible time, event, or phenomena. Lol. I just can’t accept the fact that he couldn’t be always available when it comes to things like that. I know I should learn to live with that na. I have no hard feelings left anyway already. Anyway. The other participants for tonight’s supposedly celeb also backed out. They clamoured they were busy. It came to a point na it would only be Xang and me na lang sana. Wow diba. Chos.

At around 3pm, Xang decided to watch a movie na lang with her boyf so her birthday celebration was rescheduled. But Idk when pa. I feel bad for her. I feel bad like/with her. Really. And I also feel kinda sullen towards the others.

But. Since it was rescheduled, Ken still has a chance to ask permission from his parents to be with me at Xang’s party. *crossfingers* And I hope the others would be able to be there as well. I miss them.

☒ I’m still upset, though. What’s happening to us, myGod.

☑ Just saw this on Tumblr. Couldn’t get more accurate… Dedicated to Ken, my one and only:

I hate you and then I love you. It’s like I want to throw you off a cliff, then rush to the bottom to catch you.

That’s my thought, exactly. Earlier today, when we were walking otw to McDo, Philcoa, he stepped on a puddle, that is full of germs and other icky microorganisms, as if he didn’t see it. Eeew. If he weren’t complaining about his semi-aching, wounded, wet feet before that, I wouldn’t have been so mad at him. (Hi, Ken! :* Haha) I kinda yelled at him pa nga eh. Kasi I was really super mad. I swear. Ang kulit talaga, hindi mapagsabihan. We ended up not talking the whole time that we were having lunch. Tengene that.

After about an hour ata, he told me he needed to go home na ‘cause he’s dizzy. But since he had to wait for his brother pa, we kinda chilled at my place na muna and waited for his twin brother there.

We ended up kissing and hugging and laughing, btw. It was such a crazy day… It was a crazy week actually. So many things happened. And they’re all insane… And very tiring. But aside from the madness and all the abnormalities of Ken+Me, we’re still super in love with each other, yay! And I’m sure as hell that I’m gonna stay in love with him for the rest of my life. *kisses*

☑ It’s less than a month na lang until my first FIRST! ♥ I’m so excited I can’t help but be giddy about it… And I am beyond happy and blessed that it’s with Ken.

Whoo. Party! ◕‿◕

****

In other news...
Ken was (kinda) looking at the underwear pages of the MSE brochure. I felt kind of ashamed with my body. Lol. What the hell. You could buy them for me naman my love. Ako na magsusuot para sayo! *wink*

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

I miss Inay, my lola. Sometimes I feel like I could still visit her anytime at her home somewhere in UP Diliman. I used to visit her without prior notice. There was this time when Ken and I fought over something and then when we parted ways, I went to my lola’s house because I was so sad, I wanted to cry my heart out. At that time, there was no better place to do so than her home.

Oh, God. I miss her so much. I miss listening to her stories, sitting beside her, and just rubbing her back or playing with her hair. I miss her eyes that still twinkled despite their tired looks. I miss the way she fanned herself. I miss the way she looked at me. I miss how she said my name. I miss hugging and kissing her before I head home. And saying “I love you, lola.”

Sunday, 21 August 2011

I love this song. But I hate Sundays. Because the following day’s Monday. And. There’s something about Sundays that makes me wanna kill myself. Lol. Seriously. I don’t know why it’s always gloomy for me. I never get to hang out with my friends on Sundays. Because it’s family day… And my family, on most days, doesn’t get along really well. Chos. Therefore, Sunday as family day doesn’t work for me. I hate Sundays.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

I was walking home after watching another movie at the UPFI today when I suddenly felt cold. It’s a good thing I grabbed a jacket before I left home earlier. Apparently, I was walking with Bea and her friend Trisha along Balagtas Street. I was with them but not really with them…

I was kinda lost in my own world thinking about trivial things. Looking up at the magnificent moon on the night sky, I absent-mindedly placed my hands on each front pocket of my jacket. And then it hit me.

Nostalgia… It’s a bitch in its own way. I felt odd; I had to conduct a reality check. I kinda felt like I was walking somewhere in the streets of Baguio. It just rained, hence the cold night air.

I made a trip down memory lane. I remembered those nights in the City of Pines when I had to walk home by myself… Those melancholic walks that usually occurred in the middle of the night… That pathetic feeling of alone-ness… of not having someone to walk with… Those things were the only stuff I had that time. Things that I could actually call mine. The suffering and longing that I felt then was only mine, anyway. Sucked me dry…

It was depression in its unique form. Well, I’d like to think it was unique… That I am unique. I guess that’s what we all have in common. The feeling of uniqueness… Yeah, we all have that.

Anyway. Although I spent most of my nights in Baguio walking alone, I still love it there. Those walks made me think of where my life’s heading. Too bad I only think about them… I never do anything to improve my life, up to now. So… Whatever.

I was reminded of that feeling tonight... That sad, dramatic, I’m-a-living-nonsense-my-life’s-not-going-anywhere feeling… *sigh*

I briefly re-evaluated my life... And realized I’m still the same me. Not much has changed. Sure, I’ve learned a lot from my experiences… But I still can’t say that I’ve grown up even a bit. I still don’t know what I want want. I’m not exactly doing anything useful with my time.

I’m just a brat wanting and making other people provide me with my “needs.”

My obnoxious self’s still with me so I had nothing else to do but hate and complain.
I fucking hate myself right now……

Moving on... Before I knew it, we reached home already.
I guess I should dust off these negative feelings for now.

My sister and I watched this movie just a few hours ago and the ending was super bitin, I wanted to kill myself. Lol. OA. But seriously! Why does the ending had to be super open-ended?! That’s its essence, I guess…? Chos.

One Million Yen Girl is about a girl who was just released from jail and was having a hard time getting her “normal” life back. She served time in prison due to a crime she committed because she felt so bad when her roommate dumped a kitten that she found. She was very mad so she threw out all of his things; hence, she was charged with some criminal action cheneloo. Oh, well… One could never imagine the things we cat ladies do for our felines… Hehe. She realized that she couldn’t live in her parents’ house anymore, so she looked for part-time jobs in different places within the country. Whenever she’d have 1Million Yen in her savings, she’d start to move into a different place. She dislikes getting to know people and sort of hides the fact that she’s an ex-con.

When she was on her third job, she fell in love with her co-worker whom she thought was just being with her because she has money. In the end, it turned out that the guy was just borrowing money from her because he doesn’t want her to get that 1Million threshold and leave town.

Okay, I’m so sorry I’m spoiling the movie. But! Uhm. I’d like to think that the guy in the movie failed to do his best to show the girl how much he loves her, that’s why she ended up leaving him anyway. She felt that she was just being taken for granted. Yeah, I thought that, too. Oh, God. Affected much?

The guy decided to tell her the truth so he rushed to the station but they didn’t meet. The movie ended there. And I was super nabitin, it’s frustrating. I’d like to think that they did meet, though. TeeHee.

****

You could catch the Japanese Film Festival at the UP Film Institute in UP Diliman. Just visit THIS PAGE for more info. I’d be there again tomorrow and on Saturday, btw. See yah! ;)

Well now then Mardy Bum I've seen your frown And it's like looking down the barrel of a gun And it goes off And out come all these words Oh there's a very pleasant side to you A side I much prefer

It's one that laughs and jokes around Remember cuddles in the kitchen Yeah, to get things off the ground And it was up, up and away Oh, but it's right hard to remember thatOn a day like today when you're all argumentative And you've got the face on

Well now then Mardy Bum Oh I'm in trouble again, aren't I I thought as much Cause you turned over there Pulling that silent disappointment face The one that I can't bear

And yeah I'm sorry I was late but I missed the train And then the traffic was a state And I can't be arsed to carry on in this debate That reoccurs, oh when you say I don't care but of course I do, yet I clearly do!

****

I remember April calling me Mardy because of this song. She says that I reminded her of the song when she first heard it somewhere. Like, this is our theme song already. Lol. I guess she thinks that this song sums up or summed up our relationship. Hahaha. Yeeaaah. Whatever relationship we had/ve…

Therefore, every time I hear this song, it reminds me of April, as well. And I sometimes wonder if I was really like that girl. I have different personality types, anyway. Right, Ken? Hehe. When I heard this song this morning, I thought this really describes me whenever I had fights with someone… In this case, with my boyfriend na lang. Yes, we often argue like that. I never like myself, too, when I’m in my disappointment face. Hehe. Can I just say that I love this song?

Anyway. I said I have many personality types. Well, I confuse even myself sometimes. One minute I’m so happy and then I’d be super irritated the next. With no particular or valid or sensible reason. I know I’m better off with my erratic emotions, but I just can’t disregard them whenever they hit me. I’d think that I could just shake them off and assume a positive vibe, but when I’m on it, I just can’t make those emotions fuck off. WTH. I’d just sort of require whoever I’m with to deal with me, whatever I may be. I can’t deal with them by myself. I’m sorry.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

I want you to moan...
I want you to gasp in my ear, pretending like you're trying to hide the sound, like you're trying to smother it, but I still hear it.
I want your fingernails to dig into my skin and your lips to move faster and harder and deeper against mine.
I want your eyes to roll back in your head and your body to push into mine, until we're sticking to each other's skin.
I want to feel the heat radiating from your skin,
I want to feel your muscles shake against my flesh.
I want you to beg and
I want you to throw your head back, shuddering for breath.
I want your neck to be exposed for me to bite and your chest to be bare so it can be skin on skin, flesh on flesh.
I want my legs wrapped around you,
I want us to grind on each other so hard it makes your muscles clench and your jaw drop and your face to tense in ecstasy.

On Sunday, August 14, the installation of officers of the Ambrosio A. Flores chapter of the Order of DeMolay was held here at QC. I didn’t know there was an upcoming installation, my sister just told me. Anna, the first Rainbow sis that I’ve ever been close to, texted me as well. I wasn’t planning to attend but since it’s been awhile since I saw them, I just agreed.

I wasn’t prepared so I had nothing to wear. I just decided to wear slacks so as not to get too much attention (and because I’m sure Ken won’t really like it if I showed off). Heehee. I was in all black, by the way.

Since I am too lazy to share everything here, let me just say that the installation turned out nice. It made me miss my orgmates in Baguio, though. Truth be told, I wished it was the Baguio chapter’s installation that I was attending. It’s been more than a year already since I saw them eh. Plus, I know most of the sisses there. And because I am soooo much closer to their chapter than any other DeMolay chapter, I could act more like myself with them. I just miss that… And staying up so late and drinking ‘til I’m drunk during the fellowship. I just miss those things, but don’t mean I want them now. *Ehem*

Anyway, I still had fun. Something happened between my sister Mitzi and the new MC pa. It’s kinda funny but jerk-ish at the same time. Lol. Everything turned out okay in the end, anyway. And Mitzi got her bouquet of flowers earlier. Yay! Now, ain’t that sweet? Sa MC, so much for being apologetic, huh? Hehe. Puppy love… Hahaha. Chos.

If you're one of my contacts in FaceBook, you'd be able to view the photos HERE. Yiehee.

I never imagined na Someone Like You by Adele yung bagay na kanta for us. For now…

I feel so sad and alone. I miss you :( I never thought na magkakaganito. It feels like the gap between us is starting to widen each day. Why. What happened. Where did we go wrong? Ang sakit lang. You’ve made your choice kasi. And I’m not saying it’s wrong. Whatever makes you happy, game ako. That’s why I really do hope you’re happy. I’m always here lang naman. Grabe.

Saturday, 6 August 2011

I wasn’t behaving properly during the last few days. And by “properly,” I don’t really know what I mean. Lol. It’s just that I’ve been more moody, I got easily irritated, became less interested about going online and staying up late, and kinda wished I were dead. Yuck, so emo. Chos. I felt really really restless, I wanted to sleep for a whole day. I even blamed my period at that time, but when I noticed that the period was already over but I was still my irritable self, just a little bit intensified, I realized there was something else that’s wrong with me…

After eating lunch earlier, I took Paracetamol (I’m allergic to Ibuprofen, btw), and made myself a cup of Nescafé Brown and Creamy (because I love Coco Martin like that). Heehee.

So anyway. It hit me, then. I realized, for the second time, that the reason why I’m having killer headaches is that it’s been a while since I got my caffeine fix. Was it two or three days? Not sure. But I sure missed drinking coffee. I kinda made it a point before that I should be drinking at least a cup a day. I just refused drinking coffee recently because it really doesn’t make me sleep and I sorta needed to get up early during the past mornings.

So I did some research. Again.

I’ve always known, though, that Caffeine, which is commonly found in coffee, is a drug that makes people stay awake and alert. It is actually, "the most widely used psychoactive drug in the world." Caffeine is a low profile drug also found in tea, cocoa, soft drinks, ice cream, chocolate, and some OTC drugs. Caffeine relieves tension headaches by constricting blood vessels. I’ve read that a combination of caffeine beverages and Ibuprofen actually relieves headaches faster and more effectively. I’m a living proof of that. The headache that was killing me for two days already gradually diminished the moment I had my coffee fix.

Wow. I’ve been suffering from terrible headaches because I missed drinking coffee and having my caffeine fix, but the moment I had it, it went away. So, the cause of and cure for this headache is coffee. Just wow. Parang sa love lang. Hahaha. Anyway…

Caffeine intake increases the secretion of norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter that is associated with the so-called fight or flight stress response. Hence, the resemblance of the symptoms of panic attacks. Too much caffeine intake leads to undesirable traits such as anxiety, nervousness, irritability, rapid heartbeat, depression, mood changes, and other psychological and physiological abnormalities. And here I am wondering why I usually wake up in the middle of the night suffering from breathing problems and increased heart rate. So, I now conclude that I’ve been behaving really weird lately mostly because of this caffeine abuse.

So. Because of what I’ve read about Caffeinism today, I feel like I should stop wanting coffee already. It makes me go crazier and weirder than my usual self. I know it’s gonna be hard. But I don’t have any actual plan of dissing coffee pa naman. I’m still playing with that idea in my mind pa.

Sucks, though. Because I love coffee so much! And Coco Martin for that matter. Hahaha. Yaaaamiiii! ♥

Thursday, 4 August 2011

It was so depressing that it feels like it just happened yesterday. I didn’t even got the chance to see him but I miss him. I could still remember the pain it caused us that tears still start welling up on my eyes and a lump would suddenly appear on my throat.

I was really really hurt that time. I couldn’t explain the sadness I felt. It is actually the most painful heartbreak I’ve ever experienced in my whole life. I could still vividly remember my younger self, looking up on the sky and imagining my little brother dancing up above in heaven along with the angels of God. The image is so divine; it still brings me to tears.

He was something I desperately wanted to have, but never had. I wanted to be with him, to hug him, and to feel him. I never got the chance to do that. Looking back, I still couldn’t imagine the grief that my mom felt. I forgot what it was for her since I was trapped in my own devastation at that time. I am not yet a mother and I am not sure when I will be, but I am certain that the unbearable pain from losing a child is unexplainable. Maybe it will be like describing the colour pink to a person who was born blind. Unbelievably incomprehensible; no words will be able to describe it.

August 02. It was around four in the afternoon when we received a phone call from the hospital. It was my mom’s friend, who also happened to be a doctor. She was calling to tell my dad that my mom had a miscarriage. I remember myself peeking from our room. My dad was yelling so loud, it was like he could kill anybody with it. I was so scared of what might happen. Apparently, he didn’t know that my mom was pregnant. But I did. There had been a cold war going on inside the house for a few weeks already. Or was it months? They weren’t talking to each other, I kinda suspected a divorce approaching. Chos. Divorce my face. Lol. So anyway, my dad was so mad but he rushed to the hospital anyway. What could he do? It’s her wife and baby. He can’t just ignore them even if he wanted to. But he didn’t, okay.

The hospital did everything they can to save my brother. It was just downright impossible ‘cause his lungs weren’t fully developed yet and there was no way they could save it. He was only eight months at that time. My aunt told me that he was too beautiful to live; he deserves to be in heaven with the other handsome angels whose beauty the earth does not justify.

Today, August 03, is his death anniversary. I feel bad that I don’t know what age he would be right now had he lived, though. But I’ll let you know after I ask my mom.

I remember asking God if my brother could be our angel up in heaven. I was on tears, literally looking up above the sky. Thinking about the things that could have, but didn’t. Until now, I’m not sure who’s to blame. Actually, I’m not sure if someone should be blamed. I guess not. It’s just that sometimes, bad things happen to good people.

Even if I didn’t have the chance to meet him outside of my mom’s womb, hug him, nor be with him, I just wanna say that I love him. And I miss him with all my heart. So yeah, I guess it’s possible to miss someone you never actually met. I miss him with all my heart; I wanna spend some time with him. I love him. He’s something I never had, but couldn’t ever forget.

His name’s Andrei. I like to think that he got the name from me and my lola. Hee ♥

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Lust: Something that I find attractive.- Something? Change that to someone. Someone I find very attractive, of course, is Harold Kevin Legaspi Yoingco. He never fails to satiate the lustful energy I have in my body. Yeah, there’s that. Heehee. I love him so much.

Pride: Something that I like about myself.- Something? Well. I like my body; its curves, the fact that it’s somewhat asymmetrical, the excess fat that hangs anywhere. Lol. And I love my face; my somehow crooked teeth, my gorgeous smile, my bedroom eyes… Plus, I like the fact that I seem to attract wonderful people by just being me. I kinda hang on the fine line between being a saint and Satan’s apprentice. Yes, I suck at making decisions and choosing what roads to follow but despite everything I’ve been through, I never lose my ground. I know who I am and who I’m not. I never take anyone for granted. I try to be as nice as possible, but never pretentious. I love myself.

Sloth: Something that I dislike about myself.- I just rather wish I could handle my emotions better. I always let what I feel take over my thinking. When I’m angry, I fail to count to ten. I could only count to five and then I’d burst already. Most of the time, I’d say things I never should have said.

Envy: Something I wish I was better at.- I wish I could dance very very well. I swear I dunno how. During high school, I envy the girls who could memorize dance steps easily. Uhm... Wait. I can dance naman. Lol. I just have a short-term memory loss. Heehee. I could never seem to follow the right moves at the right time. I suck at dancing. I’m a frustrated ballet dancer pa. I wish my parents enrolled me in a ballet class when I was a kid. Tsk.

Wrath: Something that gets me angry.- People with shallow minds who think they’re special and more important than anyone else in the world. Well, I think I am special. But I never think that I am above anyone. We could all feel special in our own ways without making other people feel inferior, right.

Greed: Things I can’t get enough of.- Ken (equals Love), of course, and everything he does to me. Coffee. Sweets. Sleep. Food. And books! Rawr.