Tips and solutions to your marriage and relationship troubles.

Many would, at point or another, have considered the possibility that their spouse no longer loves them. He or she is no longer as loving, caring and attentive as they used to be, never initiates sex and though he/she claims that everything is fine, the other side often feel ignored and can only think of one reason for the change: My husband/wife doesn’t love me anymore. And then comes this unbelievable “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore”, and you feel like your life is over.

To be sure, that’s exactly what happens in many marriages. Routine is the biggest enemy of every relationship. After many years together, we get used to our spouse and our feelings change. Many cannot accept this change and feel depressed. For some, it is harder to accept the fact that their feelings for their spouse have changed than to know that their spouse doesn’t love them. Others adjust themselves to what is now “the new normal” state of affairs, that is, less sex and affection, and never notice that their partner is becoming more and more distant until it’s too late . Why, many couples enjoy a fairly stable, affair-less and affection-less marriage, quietly falling apart without even noticing it. Let’s make something clear: If your partner doesn’t have an affair, it still doesn’t mean everything’s great. Imagine a couple that lived together 12 years without sex. Committed they may be, but is this what we call a healthy marriage? Many feel shocked when discovering that their spouse leads an affair (sexual or emotional), and seek counseling, but In this case, as in many others, sexual infidelity is strongly overrated. Not that it should be ignored, but it is often a symptom for one of the spouses being profoundly unhappy in marriage. In other words, the above mentioned spouse should have considered counseling much earlier, and the couple may have spared themselves much emotional pain.

How can you tell that your spouse is actually unhappy? Look for the symptoms. Do you feel as if your partner initiates fights, and it looks like he or she is looking for reasons to lash out at you even if you have done nothing wrong? Keeps finding reasons to spend time away from you? Often depressed or annoyed? Deteriorating sex life can be both a symptom and a reason for the situation, so if this is the case, ask yourself what was there first: that, or your spouse’s bad moods.

All of the above doesn’t mean that your spouse actually doesn’t love you. More likely, he /she is tired of the routine, the responsibilities and the never changing everyday shores and tasks, or simply experiencing a midlife crisis.

I’m not a big fan of “powerfultechniques that will make him/her fall in love with you again”. If one of the spouses doesn’t really wants this marriage, it may eventually fall apart no matter the techniques and magical strategies. But if your spouse doesn’t talk about divorce, he/she is probably still wants this marriage, which means you definitely got a chance to fix it.

For a start, put yourself in your spouse’s position. What would you like? Would you like “to work on your relationship”, “talk about it” and “solve our issues”? Or, maybe, you’d prefer some space, an opportunity to put all the issues aside for a while? For some, it could be a long vacation. Others may need a more profound change in life, such as a career change. If you think you know what your spouse would like to change in his/her life, consider offering him/her that.

A relaxed atmosphere at home is extremely important. Resist the temptation to constantly ask your spouse what’s wrong, propose to “talk about it”, talk in an apologizing tone or generally tread on eggshells around your spouse. That is not to say that you should act indifferently or pretend you don’t see your spouse’s bad mood or care about it. Believe it or not, your attitude and behavior have an influence, even if your spouse is not aware of it, and it better be a calm and reassuring one. Find a not-too-clingy way to express your support and understanding, You may not feel like it at all, thinking that you are the one who is ought to be comforted at the present, but your spouse is probably troubled with his/her emotional state as much as you are. So even though it’s natural to feel offended and angry, try to find the inner strength to feel compassion for your spouse as well.

Live your life, and keep an eye on your spouse. If you don’t see a positive change in his/her emotional state, consider asking your spouse to go to counseling. Those who don’t like the idea of confiding to a stranger can go with guides or virtual counseling. Above all, give each other love and space. Both work miracles.

I can’t imagine myself just waiting and hoping that it will be alright. whatever, if ?I can do something, even reading a book about it or go to counseling, I’ll feel better. At least I’m doing ssomrthing.

I really need some advice. My husband just totally ignores me, and when ?I beg him to talk about our marriage he just rolls his eyes, like, “here she goes again”. what am I supposed to do about this?! He doesn’t want divorce, I’m positive about that, but how can we contoinue living like taht?! that’s not notmal, and I’m miserable!

Been married 40 plus years and they haven’t been pleasent at all. Now my husband say we are not married, its called a friendship. And basiclly that how he has treated me. We hadn’t had sex, intimacy, or any kind of loving in all these years. Maybe we had sex a half dozen times other than that nothing. Almost all our married life he has lived on the lower level of our house, I have the upstairs. I see a lady shrink once every two weeks and she lends a shoulder to cry on, if it wasn’t for her I would be lost. I’ve made alot of friends outside the house and that helps. But I miss the strong shoulders of a man to cry on. I should of left him years ago but I waited way to long, and now its to late. He has a small pension and some s.s. and its just enough to live on. In my mid 60s now and I’ll just have to live with my life…

I’m so sorry you feel that way. It’s a bit comforting to hear, however, that you have many friends. I sincerely hope yu will spend more time with them, or doing whatever makes life worth living for you, and less time crying on your lady shrink’s shoulder. Starting a new life is never easy, but I still think you have a chance of meeting someone. Even if you think it’s too late.

I need some advice. My husband decided 6 months ago that he doesn’t need sex anymore, nor any physical touching at all. He says he isn’t attracted to anyone else either, but I can’t help but feel completely offended all the time. He says he still loves me, but won’t hug or kiss me anymore, and only says I love you at night when I tell him first. Our relationship has become strained and uncomfortable. However we don’t fight, we are both peacemakers. He says he’s not sure he wants to be married anymore, and the only reason he stays is because of our 4 kids. Please help….

It’s natural to want sex with your husband, so your feelings are more than understandable. It seems that your husband has lost interest, and the situation is not healthy for your relationship. However, since he claims to love you and doesn’t initiate divorce, even if it is for the sake of the kids, I’d try to convince him to try counseling, or, if it doesn’t suit him or you, some kind of sexual therapy. Do try to convince your husband that if you stay together, it’s best that the two of you enjoy physical contact. I cannot offer you an easy solution for you, unfortunately. Rebuilding a relationship takes two, and it’s best your husband cooperates. After many years together, sex is not the same. It can still be wonderful, but one has to “work” more for it, and not everybody are ready for this, or know how to do it, even if they want to. That’s what sexual therapy is for.

I recently did orrery husbands affair with a young coworker that has been going on for a year. I’m heartbroken and devistated, but not completely surprised because we were having communication issues and he distanced himself from me and rejected sex. He left our home for two months he has no returned noting he wants to work on our marriage but is apprehensive, it’s hard to stop all ties with the OW ( she has already reached out to him on a few occasions), told me he resentments me from past quarrels years ago that I apologized for. He knows that I have changed and I’m not the person I use to be thanks to IC I initiated prior to all of this coming out. He is not certain he could bring down the wall he built. He have been going to MC but he doesn’t seem motIved to put in the effort. He is overwhelmed in his thoughts.is there still a chance for us? Our MC has recommended IC for him. It is going on three months from D day

It seems that you put serious efforts into rebuilding your marriage, so at this stage, I’d say it is up to your husband do decide whether he is interested. He may have had his reasons for the affair, but nevertheless, an affair is an affair, and he is responsible for it, which means you’re not the only one who should apologize and your husband is not the only one who has the right to feel a bit resentful. That is not to say that you are to build walls of your own and I’d definitely recommend couple therapy, but in my opinion, it is up to your husband to overcome his resentment and decide whether or not he wants to try again. I do wish you good luck.

That’s an awkward situation for a couple to be in. The best thing for you to do is to try avoiding the family issue altogether. If impossible, cut the conversation when you feel it’s turning into a fight, or gradually change the subject. IF nothing works, consider telling your husband, directly, that you don’t want to talk about. Speak softly, but be sure of yourself. And no, you absolutely do not have to support your husband’s family financially. As for supporting your husband, this is your decision, if there’s nothing to do and it works for you.

Now, for your sex life. Has your husband lost interest, or there’s something else?