Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I thought we were done with this, but Regis Philbin, that mongrel idiot, decided to do a Celebrity Millionaire, and network competition being what it is, I stand before you, a broken and miserable man. Let’s take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has set a new Jeopardy record for futility with..

Sean Connery: Suck on it Trebek. Suck it long, and suck it hard.

Alex Trebek: That’s beautiful. You kiss your mother with that mouth.

Sean Connery: No, but I did something to your mother with this mouth! [ points to mouth ]

Alex Trebek: For the last time, no you don’t. And finally, Hilary Swank in a commanding lead with zero.

Hilary Swank: Did I win? Because there’s some people I need to thank.

Alex Trebek: Let’s just take a look at the board. And the categories are: “Potent Potables”; “Foreign Flicks”; “Things Trebek Sucks”-wait! [ Connery is laughing. ] All right. [ Trebek walks over and takes down the hand-written “Things Trebek Sucks” sign. ] Let’s continue…”Potpourri”; “Hot or Cold”; “What Ears Do”; “Is This A Hat”-that’s where I name and object, and you tell whether or not it’s ahat. And finally, “Colors That End In Urple”. Hilary Swank, you’re in the lead, so we’ll start with you.

Alex Trebek: None of you knows. No one can figure out if the hot tea is hot or cold. [ Reeves buzzes in. ] Thank God! Keanu Reeves.

Keanu Reeves: Is it iced tea?

Alex Trebek: [ agitated ] No! It’s hot tea!

Keanu Reeves: Well, then I have no idea.

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go to Final Jeopardy. The category is…oh come on, why would they do this? The category is Famous Mothers.

Sean Connery: [ laughs ] My day has come! [ keeps laughing ]

Alex Trebek: [ rips card ] I’m not going to give you the satisfaction. [ Connery stops laughing. ] The new category is Anything. Write anything. [ music starts ] Just write. Use your arm, hand, and special pen, and move the pen around. Scribble if you want to, just make some kind of mark. [ music stops ] OK, let’s get this over with. Sean Connery, you wrote down: Below. I don’t know why you wrote that, but technically that’s a correct answer. You did write something. Let’s see what you wagered: Me. Below Me. [ Connery laughs ] Below Me…I don’t get it.

Alex Trebek: Proud day for you and your family. Keanu Reeves, you look rather pleased. Let’s see what you wrote down: [ a blank screen is revealed ] Nothing. The question was write anything, and you got it wrong. I’m speechless. Let’s see what you wagered: Eleventy billion dollars. That’s not even a real number.

Keanu Reeves: Yet.

Alex Trebek: That’s simply amazing. And finally, Hilary Swank.

Hilary Swank: Thanks Alex. I’m so honored to have been here today, there’s so many people I have to thank. [ camera shows a sobbing Chad Lowe in the audience. ] I couldn’t have done it without Alex Trebek, the incredible cast and crew of Jeopardy, my publicist who is a beautiful human being…that’s it.

Alex Trebek: Touching. That’s all for Jeopardy; Regis, you can have them. Good night. [ Connery pushes Trebek as he walks by. ]