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Saturday, August 2, 2014

Checking In

Well, friends, a few of you have shown some concern in my absence these last few weeks. I didn't mean to leave you all hanging. I just sort of...left. I stepped back, I talked to several people about foster care licensure in my county, I spent some time fortifying my heart with the plan to live childfree.

I don't know why exactly, it just sort of crept over me, this intense feeling of I don't want to do this anymore. "This" being "trying to get pregnant."

The last time I wrote, I detailed my plan of starting Vitex and B6. The day I wrote, I said I didn't think it was working, because it was something like Cycle Day 22, and I thought I was still a few days away from a positive OPK. Somewhat surprisingly, I got a positive that night. Which meant in one month of taking Vitex, my ovulation moved up two days (baby steps, right?). I was hoping that meant I had been cured. Surely something had worked, and now I would get pregnant that month! It didn't happen, and don't call me Shirley.

My period arrived on schedule, though it was barely a blip on my radar. I was crazy busy, in the middle of an intense new workout schedule I was excited about, and planning for vacation. At least the new medication regimen had done something...it could only get better, right?

Fast forward to this month. Bobby and I are leaving tomorrow morning for our anniversary vacation in Duluth, and then we'll join my family at the cabin later in the week. And wouldn't you know it, our anniversary excursion is falling right in Cycle Day 21-24...ovulation time. It's like a SIGN from GOD, amirite? I was going to be one of those MILLIONS of couples that just went on vacation to get pregnant!

I hadn't been using OPKs as early this cycle, I figured it was a waste to start testing on day 15, when I wasn't getting even close to positive until sometime in the mid-20s. So I started testing yesterday, on CD19. Cue my complete shock when it was positive. Or at least really freaking close. Since I normally test early, I can see the tests gradually get darker and know for sure when the positive hits. Well...yesterday's sure looked positive. The test line was at least as dark as the control, but it was a little spotty at the top. I didn't have anything to compare it to, so we did the responsible thing and had lots of sex.

I tested again today, and it was negative. Test line completely faded. So the surge, whether it was just one day (yesterday), or yesterday was the tail end of an earlier surge, I'll never know. We'll still have tons of sex this weekend (because, you know, hotel sex=best kind), but it won't be obligatory. I'm either ovulating now, or it's already passed and we missed it. I'm trying not to think about it (because then I'll be on vacation, not even thinking about it, and we'll get pregnant! It's like a freaking fairy tale!)

As soon as we get back from vacation, I start coaching preseason volleyball, plus I'm hosting my in-laws for a week. This two-week wait will be the fasted yet (or the most torturingly slow) because I'll be so busy and preoccupied with so many other things.

I took a hiatus from blogging both because I was busy and because I was sad. I was seriously considering giving up on the whole trying to conceive world, and I couldn't handle spending so much time thinking about and worrying about infertility. I needed some time away. While Bobby talked me out of getting my tubes tied (or at least starting birth control again), I sort of gave up hope that getting pregnant was ever going to happen for us. And if I wasn't trying anymore, I didn't see the point in blogging--especially since every time I checked in, I got ever more sad.

So many of my blogging friends have confirmed pregnancies in the last few months, and it felt like real life all over again. Everyone was getting pregnant except for me. I'm so overjoyed for these women because they have worked so hard to get to this place and they deserve this so much. I absolutely hoped for this very outcome for every single one of them, and I know they will all be fantastic mothers. But that doesn't make it easier for me to still be stuck waiting.

I do have a lot more to write about, and I do hope to catch up on reading your blogs during vacation. Bobby and I had a fantastic conversation in the car today, and I need to process it in writing. There are also things I've been looking into that I could use advice and opinions on. Some day I'll get my life together and get back to writing.

Thank you to everyone who worried about me and wished me well. You are all wonderful, and I feel so lucky to have this community. I feel honored that you would care about a virtual stranger enough to check in on me occasionally. I'll try not to leave you so abruptly again with no explanation.

Its so good to hear from you. Being in this "group" pretty much stinks!(the support of course is the best) Don't worry im still in this with ya, no pregnancy here. I do know how you are feeling though for sure. Have a greattime together :)

Sometimes a blogging hiatus is absolutely necessary for your mental well being, if for no other reason than to remind yourself that there's other aspects to your life besides infertility. Happy to hear from you again though!

Thanks, Aramis. I know I tend to jump into things face first, full immersion, and forget that there are other things out there too. Infertility is no different, and stepping away is sometimes VERY necessary.

Oh girl, I so completely and totally know how you feel. Sometimes, just the thought of signing into wordpress (or blogspot, or whatever) is totally demoralizing. I've asked myself more than once if being immersed in all this - this IF world - is actually healthy. The support is awesome, the writing is cathartic, but there is a definite price and I'm not sure the good stuff always offsets the emotional toll. It's a really tough call.

I've been checking your blog over the last few weeks and I'm really glad you updated. I want to say one thing that I hope doesn't annoy you, coming from a total stranger as it is, but it's been on my mind since I read this post the other day. It is so, so easy to get beaten down by all this stuff, but I just hope you keep in mind that you are at the starting line and, IF-wise, that's a *really* good place to be. You haven't tried a single drug or treatment yet and there's a whole world of science and medicine just waiting get you knocked up for good (or at least for 9 months, maybe not permanently...). You're so far from the end of the road - don't give up (and please don't tie your tubes! ha).

And one last thing in this too long comment - for my last cycle, the clinic wanted me to take 100mg Clomid per day, but it freaked me out and I only took 50, so I still have half the Rx left. I know Clomid isn't a "cure all" for IF, but if you want it, it's yours. Each pill is in its own little blister pack, so no need to worry about tampering from weird internet strangers :) Enjoy your trip and happy anniversary!

Dear C, I think I need to write you a novel of an email--there's no way I can fit everything into this comment. I seriously had a dream predicting your pregnancy before you announced it--and I'd even been away from blogging for awhile. I definitely do question the sanity of immersing myself so much in infertility blogs and forums and research. You're right--the support is awesome, and often has come just at my lowest moments. It's also provided me with amazing advice and calming words that I never would have reached on my own. But it often comes at the cost of my own emotional health.

Watch your inbox - someday soon I'll get my mind together and get back to you.

Lilee! It's so good to hear from you! Don't you DARE get your tubes tied, you silly girl! I know exactly where you are at. I do. There came a point in Hubby and my life that we gave up and pretty much knew we were never going to be able to have kids. We had done all the temping, timed intercourse, and all that jazz without any fertility treatments. We couldn't afford them. Then one day, right after I turned 37, I decided I couldn't live with myself if we didn't take those next steps. We booked a consultation with an RE, and through a challenging road of IUI (which we knew wouldn't work), IVF, and finally donor eggs, we have our twins. It's not the path we wanted, but it's the path that ultimately was our dream come true. It's okay to decide to stop trying and move forward child free. We did that for a decade! It doesn't have to be a permanent decision. I think it's great you are looking into possibly doing foster care. There are so many children that need someone to love them. I also am so glad you are continuing to coach, as I know you love it and it I know first hand how coaching those girls is like having your own little family of sorts. I always called my girls and their parents my softball family, because that's what we were.

Thanks, Amber. You have such a great, inspirational story. Although, I think I'm feeling the opposite--like I'm willing to try really hard until I'm 30, and then I'm going to be done. I'll devote more time to coaching and get serious about foster care then. I do love my volleyball family - just started today! it's always so fun and exciting to get new girls.

I totally feel you with this post! I am going on 3 years of trying to conceive come November. I can tell you that I've gone through many ups and downs, often wanting to give up. You have to ask yourself: Is giving up an escape fantasy or am I really ready to call it quits? I too feel like everyone has gotten pregnant recently! I am trying to "flip the switch" and use it to motivate me. Be patient and loving with yourself. Some day, I believe, all of this will make sense. Enjoy your time away! xoxo