I Hate My Toothbrush

I HATE MY TOOTHBRUSH and other cutting-edge devices….

I just brushed my teeth and I feel a rant coming on. I’ve heard a number of you complain about this very subject (one, actually) so I know I’m not the only one who misses the “good ol’ days” when a toothbrush was just a small brush used for cleaning the teeth. We had a different color for each family member, the brushes hanging out chummily in the communal mug. Surely you remember.

Evolve forward several generations and consider the sexy curvilinear multi-color object your oral hygienist hands you after your cleaning, a device that is clearly more closely related to a Formula One race car than with yesteryear’s humble toothbrush. There are cunning little side prongs to massage your gums while you brush. Each tuft is sculpted, not just cut flat straight across. And the bristles change color over time so you can tell when to get a new brush. Apparently there is no other way.

Let’s talk about the handle. Two, maybe three brilliant colors. Curvy? God, yes. Molded to the grip of an NFL linebacker. Don’t want to lose that sucker while you’re working over the gums. And scaled to the size of that man’s hand too.

I happen to have a smallish mouth. Fitting all that plastic into my mouth is a challenge. So is hanging on to the device with my smallish hand. I’ve had the thing roll on me. Every time I brush my teeth, I risk putting out an eye. After maneuvering brush and high-tech gel into my oral cavity, there’s no room to move the bristles up and down. At best, I can only mouth it for a while, rinse and spit.

Just buy a plain one, you say? Obviously you haven’t been to Target’s toothbrush department lately. Thousands of brushes, none of them what you’d call low-tech. Buying a plain toothbrush is about as easy as buying a plain disposable razor. I just want to remove the stubble from my calves. I don’t need five blades to do it. Again with the colors and curvy handles!

I know. I might as well try to turn back the “hands” of the clock. God knows how to do that. Every six months when the time “changes” I puzzle through the process of setting all the digital clocks in the house. Why does the microwave need to know what time it is? And it’s pretty insistent about getting that information, too.

People, we’ve been sold a lie! We do not need our devices to get higher and higher-tech every time we turn around. Human intelligence is not evolving at the same pace as our devices. I can no longer operate the car. Telephones, forget about it. I can’t remember in time how to answer the phone before the caller gives up. Swipe first, then put in the password? Password? OMG!