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....a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a niece, an aunt, a friend, an optimist, a dreamer, a not so organized achiever, an entertainer, a writer, a cook....
....loves a guy named Carmen, 2 smart,fun and extremely talented kids named Vince & Toni, girlfriends, little bars, parties, wine, gin martinis--up with a twist, shoes, clothes, hats, earrings, rings, all things red, junk, sneaking a smoke, pedicures, colorful places and rock & roll.....
And, she had Lapband Surgery on August 10, 2007.......

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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

So, today I am going in for a Lapband adjustment. What this entails is having saline withdrawn from the port (with a big needle) that I have placed in my stomach and then having it refilled with just a tad more saline to tighten up my band just a little bit more. I promise...it's nowhere near as bad as it sounds. The key is to get a good technician to do it. For a few months, I had Rachael. As much as I liked her as a person, she and my port just didn't get along so well. So, my adjustment appointments were unpleasant for both of us. She'd be sweating and apologizing and digging into my stomach. I'd be laying on that table doing Hail Marys, feeling nauseated, miserable and agitated...not to mention in pain. There were moments that I just wanted to haul off and belt her. Poor Rachael...she would try so hard and apologize incessantly. I knew she felt bad about it all. And, since I could not help her,I felt completely out of control. A feeling I don't like! Yes, I'm a control freak. I admit it! The whole experience was difficult. There were times when I thought there had to be something wrong with me. And, of course, she was upset that she just couldn't get it right. So, yes, it was all pretty nasty. She knew it. I knew it. But, we just didn't want to break up. After all, I knew all about her family and she knew all about mine. I didn't want to miss another chapter of what was happening in her life and she always had something interesting to add to our discussions. But, it got the best of us. It was bad. She was the first to speak up. She told me that she just could no longer adjust me. I hated to be unfriendly and all but I just had to agree. A few weeks later, after I had been assigned to another technician, I ran into Rachael. We exchanged friendly chatter--catching each other up on our lives. It was nice. Unlike our other visits...when the conversation was great but the pain was becoming intolerable. It was then that she confessed that as much as she enjoyed talking with me, she would dread my appointments. I had to admit...I felt exactly the same way. We both laughed over it all and wished each other well---knowing that our break up was for the best. So, now I'm with Kelly. She is pleasant and chatty....in fact, she even recommended a new restaurant for our trip to NC and I gave her some recommendations on family friendly cruises. We've exchanged a few emails and she called me once or twice to check on some recipes I had told her about. That's how friendly we became. And, she and my port became fast friends too. My adjustments are mildly uncomfortable...if that. Some adjustments happen while we're in the throes of conversation...I don't even know they occur. Just like everything else in life.....the right fit makes all the difference. Many times, in life, we hesitate to change something for fear we'll hurt someone or make things worse. But, staying with someone or something that's just not working at all is a poor choice. It's a tough lesson to learn. Unless it involves a really big needle....

Back to mushy foods for me for awhile. No big deal. Like they say....nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Or so they say.

The weekend continues.....my aunt missed her flight back to Pittsburgh. She was to arrive late last night. But, that's not happening. Looks like she'll be extending her trip. Although, I must say... after a few days with my uncle....I can't say I blame her. The woman is a saint...I would have just stayed far, far away for as long as I could....

So, we here in Pittsburgh are doing what we do best....we're figuring it out....

Editted to add.....here's Toni on her way to the Senior Boat Ride....as you can see...it's all about the shoes!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Where's the fire?...My life is like a wild fire right now.....burning out of control. Short on time. Short on sleep. Lots of demands and lots of people who need or want a piece of me. Not much time to STOP, LOOK and LISTEN. Right now, I'd much prefer to STOP,DROP and ROLL! What's a girl to do?

So...about the bedhopping. I ask you....why would I bother to stay in my own bed this weekend? I've been bed hopping for awhile. Why stop now? It's no wonder I can't rid my body of these remaining pounds....my life is just way too busy at the moment to be as planful and organized with my eating as I should be. I mean, it's not that I'm back to my old habits of overeating, indulging in huge plates of pasta and zipping through drive-thrus while eating meals on the run. My Lap band....thank God....won't let me do that. But, I'm a smart girl. I know what foods are easy to whip together, what won't take that much time to make or eat, what will taste good and what will get through my beloved Lap band without much of a problem.

As I said, I'll be bed hopping this weekend. Well, bed hopping and river jumping. I'll be staying the nights with my dear Uncle Patsy who lives in Shadyside....it's on the other side of the river from where I live. His wife....a wonderful woman who he married only a few years back...is going to San Francisco for her grandson's wedding. My uncle can't stay at my house because he's in the middle stages of dementia or alzheimers and can get quite disoriented when he sleeps in unfamiliar places. Well...more disoriented than his normal disorientation, that is. During the day, I'll be transporting him back to my little suburban hamlet so that I can take care of things at home and tend to my father.(I'll be scurrying on the bridge and scooting through the tunnels quite a bit!) And, oh yeah....I have to feed them their 3 square meals and snacks. When I've had my uncle staying with us in the past, we just took my dad and him to bar-restaurants to eat since cooking is not easy to do with a wandering 86 year old (my uncle) and an 87 year old (my father)who wants his share of my time. Why bar-restaurants? Well, for one....I usually need a drink to get me through. But, most importantly, my uncle likes to smoke. No...let me rephrase that....he loves to smoke. And, since he doesn't live in the here and now...he figures he can smoke anywhere. Which was the case until a week or so ago. That's when our county passed a no smoking law for bar-restaurants. Couldn't they have waited? So, even if I told him that he couldn't smoke...he'd forget it within 2minutes and he'd light up. Essentially I'd be reminding him every 2 minutes. God forbid if I went to the bathroom or took my attention away from him for a few moments. He'd light up and soon be dragged out by the nonsmoking cops. So, I have to pray for good weather so that I can sit him on my porch and let him smoke his brains out. Unfortunately, there's some kind of storm coming up the coast.....I'm ignoring it....

Aside from my bed hopping, tunnel driving, absent minded uncle, attention starved father, the smoking problem, the meals that need prepared, the storm that I'm ignoring, my job, the non working cable box and the summer decor all over the place....there's Toni. She's going to her Senior Boat Ride on Sunday. So, that means a dress---which I hope to buy before then. Thankfully, we already bought the shoes. But, of course...that just makes things a little more tricky--we have to find the perfect dress for those perfect shoes. Trust me, I'm on board with that. In fact, seeing those perfect shoes on her feet might be the only thing that gets me through the weekend. It also means lots of primping and prepping. Plus, it means pictures. God knows what will happen. It may all be a little bit of a crap shoot or a major comedy of errors with the Carr boys (my dad & uncle) milling about. I'm just going to have to either keep myself evenly buzzed, incredibly Starbucked--or both. But, there's one thing I am sure I'll have to keep going and that's my sense of humor. No matter how exhausted or exasperated I get, I owe it to Frankie and Patsy. They are good guys....

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Toni and I went for a walk.Carmen was actually home. He read a book....

When we got married, Carmen's engineering group bought us a console TV. It was delivered to our first home---a cute little townhouse in the city--with great fanfare. It was a massive piece of furniture with carved wood sides and a sleek top. The screen itself was as big as you could get them in the 80's. It sat proudly in our little living room amongst the earth-toned furnishings, big hanging ferns and batik artwork. We spent many hours watching MTV on that fancy set. When we moved, that TV came with us. It followed us for 25 years. 25 years. We never had to have it repaired---it always worked when we turned it on. But, Carmen grew tired of it and longed for a bigger, fancier and more modern TV. I, on the other hand, thought it was just fine. My stubborness worked for a few years. But, soon, Carmen wore me down. He said it was time for a big screen, HDTV. And, I said...okay, with a few conditions. It could not be tooo big. It had to be housed in an armoire that had doors and it had to be just the right armoire. Meaning--it had to fit into our decor. With that, Carmen set out on his multi-month just the right TV research project and I set about finding the armoire. After several months and several visits to various electronics stores, Carmen zeroed in on the TV of his dreams. We made pilgrimages to visit it a few times just to make sure it was the one. And, when he was finally convinced it was, he brought it home. My armoire search was not quite as complex. I decided on having one built and I refinished it to my liking. Within a few weeks, our old console TV was out on the street and our brand new TV was tucked away in it's new armoire. Just in time for football season. Carmen basked in the glory of that TV....for a few months. Soon after, he began noticing lines across the picture of his new TV. I never saw them. But, each time we'd watch TV, he'd try to get me to see them..."look, don't you see them, they are right there....looooook!" If people came over to visit, he would have them look for the lines. Some people saw them. Some people didn't. No matter what, he was convinced there was a problem. So, we had a repair guy out--only to learn that it was a rather extensive problem. Carmen was devastated that his perfect TV was not so perfect afterall. Thankfully, it was completely covered under the warranty. After that, Carmen has been convinced his TV will never be the same. Now, every once in awhile, Carmen will panic...thinking that he sees lines again. Sometimes when we go shopping, I catch him standing in the TV section staring at the TVs....watching them intently. He'll call me over and ask.."do you think this is a better picture than ours?" The man has been having serious TV confidence issues for a year now. So, when the TV suddenly stopped working last night....first the sound went and then the picture went....immediately after Carmen had finished watching something on demand....he went into a complete tailspin. In fact, he stayed up past 10 pm (every unusual for him since he is out of the house so early each morning) to try and figure it out. When he could not make heads or tails of the problem, he called the cable company. Now, I have to tell you that Carmen does not make phone calls. Nope. He is not that kind of guy. He leaves the phone calling up to me. But, this was a problem with his TV. So, not only did he stay up way past his bedtime, he also did the unthinkable and made a phone call. According to the cable company, our cable box is not receiving their signal. Which means our cable box is broken and needs replaced. Which means we are without a TV until the weekend. Of course, we have a few other TVs. But, they are scattered about the house. So...we had to do without our main TV last night. It wasn't the worse thing. Not at all. We missed the President's speech. We missed more news on the bailout. We had the chance to clear our heads instead. Toni and I took a walk (and we finally got to visit the newest upscale vintage store uptown...oh how fun...). Carmen read a book. We have no idea what happened in the world for the past 10 hours. But, we're doing fine. Just fine, thank you.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

"There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel that no one else has a right to blame us. It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution," Oscar Wilde wrote...

This blogging thing has brought me many unexpected experiences, pleasant interactions and interesting situations. Yet, there's one outcome that has caught me completely off guard. It's the many emails I get from folks like you and me who are struggling with weight loss, possibly considering weight loss surgery or have just lost their way in life. Often times, after reading an email, I find myself thinking "why are they telling me this?" Soon, I realize that it's because I'm here. I'm dealing with life. Just like them. I'm dealing with kids, not enough time, weight, my job, my husband, my family and everything that goes with it. And so are they. They come to my blog as a respite from their own day--to be entertained or enlightened or maybe even surprised. And who do they find? They find me--Judi. So, whether it's 9 am or 2pm or 3 am, I am here....talking away! And, I'm not all that unusual in that I have challenges and problems and issues and heartbreaks and miseries....as well as successess and happiness and joy and love. The only difference between me and them is that I blog and they read my blog. I blog about what's on my mind or what's going on in my world. Essentially, I'm talking to everyone who reads it. And, come to think of it--because my life can get so busy and I typically blog when my housemates are either sound asleep or not around--I may actually tell my blog readers something that's on my mind or what's going on in my world or maybe what I'm thinking about that I didn't even tell the people I live with! I mean...ask Carmen or Toni how much weight I lost and I'll bet you at least 10 bucks that neither of them would get within 10 pounds of the actual number. But, ask my blog readers (or my father) and everyone knows! Why? Because I tell you! So, I get it! I know why people I've never even met....some of them living hundreds of miles away from me.....share things with me that are normally reserved for people they are closest to. Now, I didn't specifically write about my loyal emailling fan club sooner---well, maybe one or two times in a more general way-- because I wasn't sure how they would feel if I shared any of their stuff. And, I wanted to touch base with a few regular emailers to make sure they felt okay with it. So, I did! Well....not only were they OKAY with it, they were enthusiastic about it, gave me many suggestions on which of their emails to share and what type of posts they would suggest I do in the future! I don't want to dissappoint any of them but I'm not going to share their emails verbatim and I may not get to all of their suggestions. But, what I do want to do is address some of the trends that seem to emerge. I want to get at--what are people talking about, thinking about and wanting to know about and I want to share things that ring familiar with everyone. And, of course, it's always nice to know that we are not alone in some of the thoughts that ravage our minds! So, every once in awhile, I'll dig into my emails and categorize them to share....starting today!Let's get started...I'd like to talk about the many CONFESSION emails I get! Yep, you heard it here folks...I'm going to be talking about CONFESSIONS! Now, as any good Catholic knows, if you go to confession and do your penance, all is well with your world. Many blog posts ago, I mentioned that the CONFESSION DIET is not one that I had tried in all my years of dieting. This diet is based on the practice that if you eat something you shouldn't have....if you confess it....it's okay. Thinking back, I'm shocked I never tried that one....considering all my years of Catholic upbringing, schooling and church going. However, it appears that there are many people out there who do use the CONFESSION DIET regularly. How do I know that? Like I said...people tell me. Now, honestly, I am not a numbers person by nature. But, to prove my point....I decided to count how many I ate this confessions I received during the period July 1- September 15 and that number came out to...drum roll please....236 . Confessions ranged from one lovely woman eating an entire bag of double stuffed oreos (yes, it was a very bad day) to another spunky lady devouring an entire basket of chips, 1 order of something she called "the motherload of nachos", 3 margaritas and 2 veggie burritos--yes...in one sitting (she had just bounced a series of checks that week... clearly, she was having a pretty lousy time of it). So, it got me to thinking.....if the CONFESSION DIET really worked....meaning that if you confessed the "bad things" that you ate and you were forgiven---how many calories would this entail? I decided I'd try to figure it out. Again....I'm not a numbers person. And, I don't have exact amounts of what people ate (i.e.--I'm not sure what a "shitload" of French onion dip is...). But, what the hell? I figured I'd give it a whirl. Granted, it took me awhile to do this (that's why I didn't post to my blog during my early morning hours as usual...I was too busy doing math....oh my!). But, I came up with a number. A pretty big number. A huge number. A shitload number. Even by my very uneducated, conservative estimate. 178,336,000 Yes, friends 178,336,000 calories were confessed via email. Considering that I'm not a priest (nor do I proclaim to be one), technically, I can't absolve any of those calories. However, being a sinner myself....I know that sometimes confession is all we need to make things right.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

But, for now....the remnants of summer will remain. My days are long, my evenings are short, my weekends are packed. There's no time to welcome a new season on to my front door step, in my hallways or on my mantel. Let's just say I'm extending the season. I can't seem to extend my days beyond 24 hours so perhaps it's my subconscious trying to rebel. I'm not really sure. All I know is that the days may be cooler here in my little suburban hamlet and the local swimming pool may have chained it's doors but in Judiland it's July. Uncle Sam is still sitting on my porch ledge waving his flag. Yes, he's being stubborn...he won't retreat to make room for Mr. Scarecrow.

Decorating for the seasons is my thing. So, naturally, when this time of the year comes--it's time to rid the indoors and the outdoors of it's patriotic dressings and dig out the harvest hued trimmings. It's just what I do. But, the big question is--when will I do it? And, it makes me wonder--where did I find the time to do it last year or the year before? Given my chosen line of work....this time of the year is always overwhelming and hectic. And, in my regular life--no matter what time of the year--I'm always over committed and over scheduled and basically in charge of keeping the world turning. Add that to a few new things like looking at colleges for Toni, my dear Uncle needing weekend care and things at the office changing significantly and really wanting to get rid of these next 20 pounds---it makes my head spin.

The pumpkins and the scarecrows will come out of hiding and find their way to my porch....but not today. And, probably not next week or the week after. This girl is hanging on to the hope that summer is not over....

Monday, September 22, 2008

Other than the fact that they closed the Parkway East--making for an extra 2 hours in travel time coming home (when we were within 30 minutes of our house!)--the weekend was very nice but very quick. The traffic tie up was neither. As a matter of fact, it was rather painful. For more reasons than just the detour. Let's just put it this way---I am a faithful water drinker. The result? Not fun! Despite all of that, I refuse to complain. The weather was incredible, my son's apartment was actually very clean, we enjoyed some wonderful meals at a few new-to-us restaurants, I bought 2 pair of shoes, and we laughed a lot. It was a fun celebration weekend that went way too fast but wetted our appetites for the next time we will be together.

Speaking of appetites--I just have to comment on how Lap band friendly my family has become--in such a short period of time. For example---on Friday evening, we called Vince from the road to arrange for him to meet us for a late dinner. He suggested we meet him at a small pizza place near his apartment. I agreed. Carmen's first question to me when I got off of the phone--"what will you eat?" I assured him I'd find something. And, I did. Then, on Saturday morning, as we were researching restaurant menus online--looking for a nice place to have a special birthday dinner--Vince put extra effort into finding places that had a wide variety of foods so that I would have lots of things to pick from. Although I always tell my family that my Lap band does not prevent me from enjoying most foods and I can eat anywhere, I am quite sure they never want a repeat performance of my infamous episode from our first dinner on the cruise when I had to tell the waiter that the reason why I was vomiting into my huge cloth napkin was because I was sea sick. Can't blame them. But, honestly, families are funny. You can tell them something 200 times and they will never learn it. But, vomit into a napkin right in front of them while they are eating and the lesson is learned. Clearly...drama, inconvenience and grotesqueness are wonderful teachers. Anyway....that's how my family became Lap band friendly. I am so proud of them....

Yes, the weekend is over. And, so is the summer. I woke up to a new week and a new season. Last year, as I bid farewell to my last fat summer, I couldn't have imagined what that really meant. But, now I know. The word fat has been knocked out of my vocabulary. For so many years, fat was the way I felt. Fat. Fat. Fat. When I said good-bye to my last fat summer what I was really saying was good-bye to that word that pained me. Fat is no longer a word that defines me. Of course, I'm not skinny. And, I still want to lose those lingering pounds. But, I'm not walking around thinking fat or feeling fat. Because fat is not my word....anymore.

Time goes fast. But, as it's whizzing along with lightening speed, we're learning. As I touch down to a new week and a new season....that reality presents itself to me. Sometimes all it takes is a lull in the action....like a detour....to remind us of how far we've come in such a short period of time.

And, the journey continues....

Note: This is the tree that has served as my "Autumn Clock" for many years. I see it each morning as I approach campus and every evening as I leave. It's a perfect reminder of how things change. Even beauty changes....with each passing hour, each passing day, each passing week...

Friday, September 19, 2008

Yes, we're taking off to PhDland to visit Vince. He'll be 23 tomorrow. Who knew the time would go so fast? Who knew a time would come when I wouldn't see him everyday or kiss him every night? Who knew a time would come when I would have to drive for hours just to see his magic eyes? Who knew I'd have a son who would be so much fun and so, so smart? Wasn't it just yesterday that Carmen hoisted me in the car to cart me off to St. Clair Hospital to finally hold our son and begin our life as parents? I could swear it was! According to my calculations, we'll be about an hour outside of PhDland right around the same time we hit the road 23 years ago....with me in labor, sitting in the passenger seat of our little grey Omni. Funny thing....I wasn't quite sure if it was labor or a bad case of indigestion (since I had just polished off a Pub&Pizza pizza!). When I think back, I have no idea why I was so confused about it. I was already 2 weeks overdue. What did I think was happening? For more on the story....you can check out my post from last year....23 years later....I'll be sitting in the passenger seat again....of another grey vehicle. A bigger one this time. Thankfully, I won't be as big (as I was 23 years ago!). But, I'll be just as anxious to hold my son.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Maybe it's just me. But, when a friend of mine sent this particular picture to me (I think it's of a coaster) and told me it reminded her of me, I could not stop laughing. I mean full belly laughs with tears and all. That was a few days ago. Now, I'm thinking.... it's not that funny....is it? It's cute...I'll give ya that. But, funny....not so much. Anyway, I responded to my friend by saying "what part of it reminded you of me?" I just had to know. She hasn't responded yet. Although, I didn't send my email until a few minutes ago....maybe that's why she hasn't answered. I just hate waiting. So, I figured since I had to blog anyway, I'd ask you.....what do you think she meant by that (it reminded her of me!)? Does it look like me? Is it the gin? The hat? The nose? Is it the fact that it's a coaster? I mean...why would this picture remind her of me? And, why did I laugh so much? I just don't know. But, I'll tell ya this.....I could go for some gin right now.....RIGHT NOW....

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Over the past few weeks, several new-to-Lap band people and a few others who are considering Lap band have emailed me asking lots of questions about what it's really like to live as a Lap banded person. The first time I contemplated how I would answer this question, I found myself being rather flippant...wanting to say "exactly the same as being a non Lap banded person." But, I realized that would not be helpful at all. And, of course...not true. So, I tried to remember back to when I was newly banded or to when I was considering being Lap banded and asked myself--what information would have been helpful to me? And, it occurred to me that the most helpful information I could have heard from a veteran banded person would have been that soon being a Lap banded person would feel very normal. Hindsight....as we know...is 20/20. When I was newly banded, I was so busy trying to figure out the rules, get recipes, learn little tricks, access tips, hear success stories and pull together a support network that I didn't give much thought to the long term day-to-day living. As a matter of fact, I was so concerned about all of those things that I didn't consider the idea that what I was really doing was establishing a new way of living that soon would not be so new. I didn't realize being Lap banded would become my new normal.

When we embark on new adventures, there's bound to be growing pains and annoyances and frustrations and even disappointments. Many times, the fear of those things happening stops us from doing anything new or from even making the slightest changes. So, we stay on the same path. We don't want to change anything at all. But, mostly, we don't want to take risks. Yet, no matter if we make changes or not--change happens. Time passes and as time passes, things happen. Things impact other things and before you know it--things are different. By happenstance. Not by intent or design. And, because we are so resilient, we adapt to what becomes a brand new normal. That's what being Lap banded is like--a year later. It's very normal.

As I was folding towels last night, I caught a few minutes of Rachael Ray's "30 Minute Meals". She was making some kind of meatball sub. She was using these beautiful looking buns. Beautiful bread is something that I have always loved. So, you would think it would frustrate me knowing that I could never...never ever...eat that beautiful bun. A year or so ago, that thought alone would have caused me to actually cry. But...today...nothing. It was as normal to me to not want to eat that bun as it was for me to not want to eat a cardboard box.

Yes, I will admit--having a Lap band is different from not having one. There are things that I cannot and will not ever be able to eat or drink. But, it's my new normal and it's perfectly okay. Even when it comes to pasta. And, pasta was always my all time favorite, favorite, favorite food. I mean, my absolute favorite. Hands down. Without a doubt, my ultimate favorite. It was the food that brought me joy in so many forms. But, I can't have it. And, it's okay. Time works miracles. And, to think...I would still be eating pasta if I didn't get my Lap band. That thought just doesn't seem possible today...

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Clearly, I could not have survived the dark ages or a real, live, in my face hurricane. The remnants of Ike found it's way to my cozy little suburban hamlet. We've had high winds, power outages, continual sirens, down phone lines, closed roads and snarled traffic. Schools had delays or closed all together. Our power went out on Sunday night (after the Steeler game, thank God!), came on for a quick 45 minutes (just enough time for me to do my blog yesterday!) and then did not return until last evening. At Carmen's power plant....the power is still out (yeah, at a power plant...go figure). They are saying it may not be restored until late this week. The entire town surrounding the plant is also without power. Carmen's mother...who lives less than 3 miles from us....is still without phone service and they can't promise it will be back until later this week. The phone company told my sister-in-law---too bad...there are lines down all over the place. And, to think, we didn't even have a hurricane. And, we had NO RAIN. It was just damaging winds and weird weather. High winds and 87 degrees and high humidity. Freaky clouds and ligthning bolts. So, yeah...I don't know how to break it to you, Ms. Palin, but I'm pretty sure global warming is the real deal. If not, maybe we're in the twilight zone. I'm almost 50 years old and I can pretty much tell ya Sarah, this ain't my home town....we ain't in Kansas no more...so to speak. I might not be able to see Russia from my front door but last night when I looked down on to Bower Hill Road, I'm pretty sure I saw Armageddon. One huge mess....tree limbs and branches and debris, fire trucks, police cars and barricades. Yes, it's been pretty weird. It started Sunday night when the power went out. The weirdness continued throughout the night....I woke up every 20 minutes worrying that I'd sleep in. Everything was pitch black and I couldn't depend on my alarm to wake me. Yes, I do have a wind up alarm clock. But, looking for that in the dark proved impossible. Same thing with the flashlights....I do have them. But, when the house is cloaked in darkness....forget about finding them!! The wackiness of the day just continued on from there. Looking for a Monday morning outfit, drying my hair, putting on make up, and trying to find a pair of shoes without power.....not fun. Add that to driving through rush hour with no traffic lights, closed roads and impatient drivers....well, it was no way to start a brand new work week. Then, top it all off with barricades closing off my road last night--just when I decided to run to the banking machine and then having my power flickering off and on the rest of the night........well...it made me remember why I pay my electric bill. So, forgive me please if I can't think of one creative, intelligent or exciting thing to blog about this morning. My entire focus is on one thing and one thing only....POWER. I am lucky to have it. And, I want to keep it. After all, I still have to put my make up on.....

Monday, September 15, 2008

Traveling pants? Shit, I had them long before they were even a best selling book and a hit movie. My pants traveled from size 8 to size 16 to size 22 in record speed. Believe me, my pants were traveling. Long before traveling pants became a thing. Now I'm at this vortex of a size that is okay and a size that I am salivating over. Believe me, I am not lusting after a size 6. I'll leave that to the under 50 crowd. And, believe me...I get it that I have lots of excess skin that I have to tuck into jeans. But, honestly....I really want to stop my pants from traveling. I want them to park in one place....

It's time I get serious about getting the rest of this weight off. You heard it here folks. Now that I've told you, you need to hold me to it. It's in your hands. Yep, it's time I stop living as a -80 pound woman and start looking towards being a -100 pound woman. It's not that I have been taking things lightly. But, I haven't been exactly as planful or as careful with my food choices or as active as I should be. And, I think I discovered too many foods that work just fine with my band. For one thing---I've become a fan of these small cheddar cheese and carmel (2 different flavors) rice cakes from Aldi's....cheap and oh so delish! They taste like air....nothing to them! And, my band doesn't even know they are passing through. So, I'm carrying bags with me. Now, that's not good behavior for someone who wants and needs to lose another 20 pounds. Yeah,it's not like I'm eating bags of Dorito's. But, damn I'd like to (and I'll bet I COULD). Plus, I think I've slipped into a few other bad habits as well. Vegging on the couch (but oooh I'm so exhausted), putting full fat salad dressing on my salads (but don't I deserve it?) and having a glass of wine during the week (but isn't it good for my blood pressure?). Add those all together and I'm not doing what I should be doing with the gift (my lapband) that I've been given. Plain and simple. I'm messing with my band. And that ain't smart.

It's probably a good thing that my lap band and my weight loss are not currently at the center stage of my life or the bane of my existence. I've achieved what I've probably wanted all along. Not to worry about my weight and dieting 24/7/365. It is definitely a good thing. I mean, being comfy in my own body is a great achievement. But, there's still this thing. The jeans. Yes, it's all about the jeans.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

25 years ago today I easily slid into a size 8 purple taffeta ruffled dress and went to the chapel.....where my sister got married. We drove away in a horse drawn carriage....with our little parasols shading our youthful skin from the bright blazing September sun. We waved with gloved hands to our loved ones---some of them who are no longer here today---and paraded through the streets of our hometown. We made a mess of traffic from our parish on the main street down to the park a few miles down the road where pictures were to be taken. Our top-hatted driver and our regal horse carried us down the narrow cobblestone streets that were built long before cars and trollies came along. Everyone stopped to look. Even the busy people took a gander. Of course, a few people who were really busy honked their horns in disgust. Yes, they were very unromantic! I mean, we were quite a sight. A lovely, petite bride dressed in a flowing gown with her veil blowing in the wind. Her ruggedly handsome new husband in his black and grey tuxedo. Two overly dressed sisters (my other sister and I) in their bridal attendant splendor sitting alongside twirling their lacey parasols. Somehow it all became the talk of the town---it even made it to the radio waves. It was a beautiful, happy day. Yes,I remember that day as if it were yesterday. In fact, I remember exactly what I was thinking as I boarded that carriage. I was thinking about how fat I must look in that SIZE 8 dress and about how unfair it was that a pimple had appeared almost overnight. As if nothing else mattered. Not the wedding, not the carriage, not the gathering of loved ones to celebrate a beautiful occasion. I was fat and pimple ridden. In other words--I was a size 8 who was young enough to have pimples. Happy 25th Anniversary Cathy & Rich!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

It's a real wonder why there's so many of us who struggle with weight. With all the diet foods, diet products, diet advice, diet doctors, diet experts and diet miracle finds---we should all be bikini ready 24/7/365. And, if we aren't, we should be able to get there without doing much work, thinking too much or making any huge changes. Yet, the battle of the bulge continues--reaching epic proportions. So much so that even with all of the so-called help out there--a smart girl like me just couldn't do it without surgery. And, I'm not alone....that's for sure. And, even with surgery--it's not like losing weight is child's play. No, it's real work. Yes, it does make the quest a much more reasonable one. And, having went through all of the prerequisite testing and learning, anyone who has weight loss surgery becomes very aware that they are making a major life change. And there's the surgery itself--if they weren't convinced that things will change...even as they were wheeled into the operating room--they knew it when they woke up. And, when they woke up, if they thought for one moment that they didn't have to make any changes--the next few weeks and months will prove them wrong again and again. And, if they are smart--they won't fight it. They will go with it. Unless, of course, they want to spend the majority of their time hunched over a toilet or vomiting at the dinner table. Then again, if they're smart--they could easily find a way around it all and end up with little to no weight loss. But, as any life long dieter will tell you--we are all pros at sabatoging eating plans. We know that ice cream and milk shakes and creamy soups and custards and cheesecakes will slide right through that Lapband of ours. It might take us awhile to come to that conclusion and it might take a little longer to work up the courage to pad our diets with those foods--but, damn we can do it. After all, we're smart.

Now, I'm not bitching or moaning or trying to garner sympathy or using this as an opportunity to toot my own horn. No. No. I'm just thinking. You see, for years, as I drifted from one diet to another, I often used the internet to uncover the latest and greatest pieces of information to help me in formulating a sure fire way to develop a wieght loss plan that would work for me. Now I'm left with the remnants of all that diet surfing---the emails from the internet diet gurus. (What did I think--by merely subscribing to lots of daily emails, I'd somehow lose weight? Probably not. Like I said--I was looking for "the cure". I had tried every method on air, land and sea. I was expanding my search to cyberspace.) It's not just one email---it's lots of emails. It's SPAM. No, not that nasty lunch meat stuff in little cans. It's junk email. Well, I suppose they could argue that I asked for it.....

So, what's the big deal, you ask. Why don't I just hit delete, delete, delete, delete, delete.....? Well, I'll tell you what the big deal is (as if you thought I wouldn't...). How can I be so sure that there's not a nugget of information in one of those emails that just might be really important or helpful or life changing or miraculous? And, more importantly, if someone like me--who has been there, done that and had surgery to boot---asks this question, what is everyone else thinking? Are all those other recipients wondering the same thing too? I mean, I'm sure those emails are going to more people besides me. Honestly, I know I'm important and all. But, gosh darn it, I can't imagine I'm keeping the entire internet diet emailing industry busy. I can't be the only person they are writing to. Or, am I? Because if I am....there's another reason why I just can't NOT read the stuff. It just wouldn't be very neighborly of me.....

Alright. Alright. So, none of that makes any sense whatsoever.....Back to the matter at hand.

Anyway, like I said--I've been known to read these emails. But, considering that I don't have an infinite amount of time on my hands to read through every damn email, I figured I had to come up with a method (that actually made sense) to discern which emails may be worth my time. So, over a period of let's say...ah...a few days...I opened each one and quickly read through them--making notes on which ones I consistently felt connected to. That didn't go so well. I felt connected to all of them. Apparently, life long dieters don't just shed their life long dieting wiring just because they have weight loss surgery. So, I embarked on a new plan. I decided that I'd start again...this time reading through each one and making note of which ones actually gave me information I thought that I would actually use. Yep, you guessed it....that didn't go so well either. Mostly because I could imagine using any and all information....maybe not today.... but maybe next week or next month or next year or maybe when I'm desperate. My weight loss surgery didn't take away my fear of being fat again. Perhaps that's the key to it all. I have to rid myself of that fear. I have to exercise the fear of being fat out of me. Then, perhaps I'll be able to take on the emails that clog up my inbox each day. I wonder if there's an exorcist out there on the internet that does that type of thing......?

Monday, September 8, 2008

Mondays arrive on the scene too fast. I still have quite a bit more weekend desires, needs and requests to satisfy. As much as I try to hold back the hands of time, I have yet to master it. So, it leaves me wondering....is there not enough time in a day or do I just have too damn much to do? It's not like I'm slacking on the job. I pry myself out of bed very early every morning and fall into bed very, very late each night. In between, I run the world that is Judi land. I do it on little sleep. And sometimes I have to eat standing up....in the dark. No wonder I ended up obese. (click for more info)

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Steeler season begins today. And, you know what that means? Football eating. And, for me--football cooking. It makes me wonder--why is it that football, unlike any other sport....puts me in the kitchen whipping up things like hot sausage, wings, beer dip, nachos, chili, bbq beef, pulled pork, ribs, etc? I'm not sure if a football game is much more exciting when these foods are sprawled out in front of the TV, if this type food just tastes better with the glow of the TV hitting it or if this kind of food is the key to winning or loosing. I just don't know. Perhaps it has more to do with the Steelers themselves. After all, their home field is named after food---Heinz. Heinz---a company that makes food like ketchup, hot sauce, bbq sauce, relish, etc. Maybe that's why food and football in Pittsburgh is what it is. But, for whatever reason--when it's a Sunday during Steeler season, you can bet that I'm in the kitchen being controlled by whatever forces are at work. Even if I'm not whipping up football fare to be eaten during the game, I'm planning a meal around the game. I mean...during the off-season, when it comes to cooking Sunday dinner, I could care less what time something begins and ends on TV. My only concern is when the food comes out of the oven! That's when everyone is called to the table. But, during the season, my oven, the food I cook, the timing of meals and where it's eaten are all controlled by the Steelers. Thank God for my Lapband. Now, my eating is not controlled by the Steelers.

So, what's cooking today? The family is kicking off the season with some Italian Hot Sausage. For anyone who lives in Pittsburgh.....next to fresh homemade sausage made by a family member...there's nothing like Joe Labriola's (you can buy it at the Uncommon Market in Mt. Lebanon) or check Labriola's Sausage Company out in the Strip District. I make it a few different ways....depending on how much time I have, what I have in the house, who is coming over and what I feel like doing. But, for today, this is the way I'm doing it. Also...there's nothing like Mancini's (another Pittsburgh staple) sausage rolls and Aurecchio provolone to make these pieces of sausage sing as a sandwich. -5 pounds of hot sausage--cut up into 2 inch pieces-1 large can of fried peppers & onions (I buy Mancini brand)-1 large onion, 1 green pepper--sliced-1 12 oz can 6-in-1 "all purpose ground tomatoes" -1 12 oz can diced tomatoes-Handful of fresh basilA soon as I finish blogging here, I'm going to throw everything into my slow cooker, turn it on low and then I'm heading out to do some shopping. The game starts at 1. There's some cut up cheese and pepperoni, salsa and blue chips ready for early game munching. By the time I get home--around half time-- the sausage should be ready to serve. While I'm out, I'll probably pick up some ice cream to serve during the second half. By game's end, I'll be working on Sunday dinner. At this point, I don't have a plan....yet. All I know is that the fans will be hungry come 6 pm and their mood for food will be directly linked to whether the Steelers win or lose.

Oh, and what am I going to eat? The sauce that is made from the sausage cooking is wonderful. So, I'll scoop up some of the peppers and onions in the sauce, wrap it up in a piece of that provolone and I will be one happy Lapbanded girl.....

Saturday, September 6, 2008

I admit it, I like to read blogs. I like the whole exercise of peering into someone else's life, seeing what's up with them, what they are thinking, what's going on in thier worlds and maybe copping a few good ideas for my own blog ramblings. My blog tastes run the gambit in terms of topics. I am a dedicated reader to many women bloggers who share my home arts interests--- they are amazing decorators, inventive furniture restorers, avid junkers, creative crafters and dazzling gourmets. And, even though you'd think that I'd visit a lot of weight loss surgery bloggers--I am only faithful to 3. Then, I have my garden variety bloggers--the ones who always manage to come up with something to say on whatever topic they feel like blogging about. Most of them are people I never laid eyes on in my entire life. Some of them were friends and family even before the blogging craze hit. Others are people I know from my meanderings through life. The common thread between all of them is that they are all people who fit into my definition of folks who I could easily spend time with. I'd go to garage sales with some of them, visit quaint little towns with others, take a cooking class with a few, sit at a bar with one or two of them, party into the wee hours with others, take long walks or go to lunch with some others. Each of them manages to convey their personalities through their writing. No one pays them to write, no one puts a gun to their head to write and I'll bet none of them consider themselves to be writers. Yet, they are. They are good writers. Lyristists. Talented. Entertaining. Informative. Inspiring. Motivational. And most importantly--they are real people who write for no real reason other than to share their words and thoughts and ideas with real people--like me.

Oh and by the way, I'm not the only person who has ever been significantly influenced, motivated, inspired and informed by a blog.........Meet Adam BrickleyHear his story......

My dreams of fame may not be dreams at all. Thank you Adam Brickley for giving all of us bloggers hope..... And, thank you blogger extraordinairre Eileen for bringing Adam's story to my attention

Thursday, September 4, 2008

I just hate to keep coming back to my Lapband. But, what is this blog all about anyhow? My Lapband journey. Right? Well, I guess I do talk about a few other things. But, if it weren't for my Lapband, I wouldn't be talking at all. Right? I mean, my Lapband was what started this all in the first place. Hell yeah.

So, all this agony and wrestling I've been doing about my job is sort of making me seem like an ungrateful, cranky, whiney, diva brat. Maybe you never even figured it out that when I'm making coy innuendos about beating people up or stomping my cute shoes in some kind of mock frustration--what I am really saying is that I've hit a little rough patch at the office. And, I'm hurt. And pissed. It's not entirely unwarranted. Yet again, it's not entirely warranted. It's just a different feeling that I've never, ever, ever felt in the 28 years that I've been doing my big girl job. So, I'm trying to figure it out. I'm trying to separate out the good and the bad and the real and the imagined. Plus, I'm trying to understand what's going on around me. Oh sure, I can tell you story after story...with my own editorial spin, of course. And, I can give you blow by blows on who said what, who did what, what it probably meant and how it made me feel. And, of course, I could share transcripts of real discussions that have taken place and copies of real emails that have been written. But, that wouldn't even begin to tell you what's going on inside of me. And, to be quite honest--I don't even know what's going on inside me. You see, I still care a lot about what I do, how I do it and why I do it. And, I have these very special, wonderful people who I care about and owe quite a bit to. And that's not all. It's much more than that. I'm in a very rare place in Judi land. What once was is no more. And, I have this fear that soon the "what once was" will begin to unravel and show it's ugly truths. That is something I do not know if I can bare. But, I will. I've come this far. And, it hasn't been an easy trek...lately. The ugly truths may be the only thing that will set me free from the struggle and the fight I wake up with each morning and go to sleep with each night. The unraveling of the past may be the only thing that lets me stop the madness and allows me to get on with what's really important--the here and now.

So, what does this have to do with my Lapband? It's like this--if it weren't for the fact that I was obese, I wouldn't have my Lapband. Being obese is not a good thing. And, to be honest--even though I just love my Lapband--having surgery to get it and going through everything it took to get it and all the other stuff--well...not things I would call fun. But, I had to do it. And, now I'm here. 80 pound lighter. No longer in need of meds to control every aspect of my physiology. Wearing high heels. Crossing my legs. Doing all the things I couldn't do for so long. Not only that. I feel good. I feel successful and triumphant and just plain wonderful. It all started because I was obese. If that tells me anything, it tells me that sometimes you have to feel the pain and walk through the fire before you can really come out the other end. In other words, maybe there is no free lunch. Ugh...it always comes back to food....doesn't it?

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

There comes a point in life when you recognize that you can't really change yourself completely. You can change quite a few things but there are some core things that stay the same. I'm a perfect example. As many times as I have changed my hair, my look, my residence, my weight and even my mind--my inner Judi is still in tact. Sure, I suppose that's a good thing. Even when the deck was stacked against me, I never quite lost myself. I lost my way. I lost my balance. I lost my focus. But, I never lost me.

So, I'm thinking....maybe I'd like to lose Judi. For a little while. Not forever. Perhaps a better way of saying it is that I'd like to tweak a few things. Sort of like how I get my Lapband tigthened up a bit. And, since I've already started down that road---with my Lapband and all--I figure I've got a running start. And, that's all you need. Some momentum. Right?

I know, I know....I'm starting to sound deep and maybe even a little depressing. Hold on. Hold on. Give me a chance to prove those notions wrong.

I want to be a bad ass. That's it. That's what I want. I want to be tough as nails and just a wee bit scarey. You know....someone you would never dream of crossing or disagreeing with. I want to have razor sharp timing and good come backs in response to people and situations that warrant them. I want to be one of those women who get what they need, what they want, when they need it and how they want it. I don't want to be vulnerable or hurtable. And, I don't want to care as much about the people and the places that don't care about me. Yeah, I'll be nice to who I want to be nice to. But, not to the people I don't want to be nice to. A complete bad ass. Oh...and let's not forget a bad ass with bad ass shoes. Noooo.....killer shoes. A bad ass with killer shoes. OOOOH.....a skinny bitch bad ass with killer shoes. Yes, that's what I want to be tweaked to.....

So..dickface...don't mess with this skinny bitch bad ass in the elevator again or I'll get my killer shoes and stomp you into that corner before you can call upon your miserable, poorly coifed bodyguard for help. Yeah, I'm talking to you dickface......

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Technology is an amazing thing...isn't it? It's like a huge lasso around an infinite amount of information. Most days, I don't think about it much. But, lately, I've been reading some of my son's PhDland research papers and it's sparked a few thoughts. Which, I suppose is a good thing.....that's what good writing is supposed to do...make the reader think (even mother readers). His research has to do with information and such and how humans interact with it. It's a bit more complex than that. But, that's the jist of it. I do not claim to really understand much of the ins and outs. But, I will admit, I do find myself thinking "wow, so that's what's behind all of this?" as I read through this stuff. And, even though I don't understand much beyond what I understand, it is very interesting (and somewhat comforting) to me that there are actually smart people behind the scenes studying all of this technology and information. So, like I said--most days, I don't think much about technolgy and search engines and Google and Yahoo and information and data storage. In fact, I can't recall the last time I even thought much about any of them. But, with my newfound knowledge, I find my "need to know" a bit more hieghtened. In other words.....I'm curious. Curious about what?Well, I'll tell you.

So....you may have noticed....on the left hand side of my blog, I have something called FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed. To be honest, I can't remember much about how I decided to put it on my blog. And, up until a few weeks ago, I didn't pay much attention to it. Then, 2 things happened---my son started a new blog and began talking about all the hits he had from all over the world. I mean, he had just started his blog and all of a sudden he knew that he was being read all over the world. Then, my blogger friend....Eileen...knew how many states her readers lived in and that she had a reader from Budapest. In both cases, I could not understand how in the hell they knew this. I don't want to be catty but neither of them had a lot of comments. I mean, I don't have tons of comments but I sure as hell had more than them! So, I wondered--how did they know all of this information? And then I remembered about my FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed. It clocks where my visitors come from! And, sometimes it even tells me how they got there!(just so you know...it does not tell me who you are or give me your address or phone number or anything that could personally identify you....shucks!). For a few days, it satisfied my need to know. But, just like everything else in my life--I wanted more. Knowing one piece of information just wasn't enough. Yes, I'm an information junkie. I admit it. FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed fed my curiousity with enough to make me hunger for more. I wanted to know who these people were. Where did they come from? How did they get here? And, then it happened....my FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed clocked in someone from Padang, Sumatera Barat (try to top that Eileen!!!). This reader got there by searching my blog by name. BY NAME! This bit of information gave me the shakes. I was no longer just curious. My need for information exploded from the deepest caverns of my being. I was no longer happy to know that someone came from New Jersey. I wanted to know why they came from New Jersey! (Funny thing, isn't it? My son spends his life studying information and his mother craves it and devours it. Wonder if there's a connection? Random thought....)

Now, I suppose it's a good thing that I'm craving information instead of lasagna and hot sausage. The only thing is---I can figure out how to get lasagna and hot sausage. Of course, neither dish is very lapband friendly. But, still, if I wanted lasagna or hot sausage, I know exactly how to get it. Trust me. I come from a long line of lasagna and hot sausage experts. All I'd have to do is pick up the phone and the deal would be sealed. But, getting this information that I am craving is not as simple. I'm at your mercy.....

I need a fix. All I'm asking is for everyone who reads my blog to take a roll call. You do not have to give your name. Just act like you're introducing yourself at the Miss America Pagent. You know...something like this....

Hi I'm from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I want world peace. I found this pagent by GOOGLING scholarships for pretty girls who want world peace. I want to know more about world peace and lipgloss.

PLEASE take a few minutes to help me out...anonymusly, of course. I just need to know.....-Where are you from?-How did you get here?-What do you want to know?& of course, anything else you want to share.....

Monday, September 1, 2008

The calendar tells us that summer goes until mid-September. But, we all know the end of summer is Labor Day. There's no use in trying to fight it. And, as far as I am concerned, once white shoe season over, summer is over as well. But, I take some fabulous memories of some wonderful white shoes with me. For the first time in many years, I rejuvinated my summer shoe collection with a few pair of sexy little sandals. Oh how I loved to wear them! Yes, I will miss them so! But, now it's time to pack them away. Yes, it will be sad. But, have no fear.... I've got my eye on a few amazing shoes for Fall.......