Month: November 2014

Just watched a haunting and beautiful animated short film about a girl who lives between worlds, ultimately leaving both worlds as she ends up letting go. Apparently it’s one man’s tribute to his father who had struggled with schizophrenia… I was not expecting that, but I was not surprised. It was moving to reflect on that, and explains why the film was so powerful.. the music and images stir up deeper feelings inside you, if you’re open to it.

The writer talks about how his father was misunderstood, medicated, yet unable to fully be present in either world sustainably.. he honored his father, though his father was mentally ill. That’s amazing to me, and makes me wonder, where are the deeper wells of wisdom, understanding, and truth in the human mind and soul?

In RK’s class, she showed a video about Van Gogh having unlocked a scientific mystery in his paintings, “Starry Night,” that he painted while experiencing psychosis. Is there something spiritually deep and mysterious happening when people are suffering from mental illness? It makes me wonder, particularly as I study human development and psychology for Social Work preparation.

The next time I experience turbulence mentally or emotionally, perhaps I won’t try to self-medicate or try to escape from it so quickly…

Tomorrow (Monday, Veteran’s Day) I don’t have work, so I have the day to myself! *woot!* I’m going to rest by taking a quiet walk at the nearby Japanese Gardens on Woodley, come home to make enchiladas for linner (lunch + dinner), clean/organize my room & office, and the rest of the house as my energy & motivation allow.. and then work on my paper in the evening.

My therapist Dr. M gave me homework this week: Scheduled Self-Care, 2x a week. I chose taking a quiet walk by myself on Monday & Thursday ❤ I’m also to continue journaling at night to keep a record of what’s on my mind.

I need to work on loving myself well, and that means taking good Care of myself, nurturing myself with quiet time & space to rest and relax, during which I naturally reflect 😉 This brings more balance to myself as I juggle multiple responsibilities and continue seeking to serve & love others well.

I also find that I can nurture my soul by surrounding myself with beauty, positivity, and inspiration! I kind of LOVE the blend of hipster, bohemian, romantic, organic, fair-trade, and earthy/natural that’s popular right now w/women… and on pinterest ^_^ Yay!

In Matthew 6:34, Jesus reminds His followers two things: (1) Don’t worry!; (2) Take it a day at a time.

Yes, Lord ❤ Help me to be present & MINDFUL in each moment, grateful for each breath You give me, and every beat of my heart.. no matter what is going on around me, help me to remember that You are with me NOW.

This is an empowering quote that reminds me of 3 important truths:
1. I have the power!
2. I can choose how I feel.
3. Happiness is/can be a choice.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on how I’ve been on a journey of developing emotionally. There are other ways to say it: “strengthening my EQ (emotional quotient a la IQ)” or “going deeper into the depths of my soul,” but I’ll just keep things simple and say that I see myself “developing emotionally.”

It’s been a slow growth as I learn or re-learn truths about life and relationships. A lot of the truths aren’t new to me and I didn’t reject them when I first heard/read them, but somewhere along the way, I must’ve started to believe something else that left me less empowered and grounded in truth.

For example, from time to time, I feel pretty powerless against the emotions that sometimes overwhelm me like a scary, dark wave that I can’t control. Emotions such as fear, anxiety, desperation, and helplessness come at me, and I start looking for ways to escape them as fast as I can. Most of the time, I’ll pray & read my bible, write, listen to music, talk to someone, sleep, or go for a quick walk/jog, which are all pretty good coping mechanisms, but other times I’ll eat junk food, sleep too much, escape into tv shows/movies, or go on a 4 hour long shopping spree (“Tar-jae” being one of my favorite places to pretend/imagine I’m buying everything I think is cute; I’ll fill my basket with a ridiculous number of things I don’t need, and when I’m being disciplined, leave with one semi-necessary thing on sale, otherwise I’ve gotten 3-4 things I don’t need [on sale, though!] and I need to go back and return them later. I know, it’s ridiculous..) and just self-medicate until I feel better.

All because somewhere along the way I started to believe lies like,
“I don’t have any power.”
“I can’t control how I feel.”
“Happiness is impossible to achieve on my own.”

I was introduced to the concept of “false beliefs [about oneself, others, etc.]” and Christian teachings on how to replace these false beliefs, or LIES, with TRUTHS. (Side story: A wonderful lady who was at one point a spiritual director in my journey, LB, did the teaching at an All Nations CPx / IHOP AFF (Antioch Forerunner Foundation) internship I did in Kansas City, MO a few years back. Being an excited extrovert at the time with nothing to lose, I volunteered to be her “client” and our fun-filled & affirming friendship took off from there. I love divine appointments!) The teachings were similar to other ministry teachings around deliverance and breaking strongholds – Neil Anderson’s “Victory Over the Darkness” and “Bondage Breaker” were some of the first deliverance teachings I was exposed to through my mom having the books lying around the home. Well, suffice it to say, it has taken some time & more maturity to really let those teachings sink in to the point where I am making time to apply them to my life & relationships.

These false beliefs are the root of most of our problems, which all stem from broken relationships to people and to things. Life is inherently relational, and even in my Macro Social Work class at CSULA I’m learning about the interconnectedness of everything and everyone! Since I am the person who has the most control over ME, and I am involved in every relationship I have (I know, that sounds obvious redundant, but read it slowly with an emphasis on the first “I”), then I can change my relationships and see problems resolved (at least in my own life), by working on ME. And the bulk of the work will be exposing the lies, finding the false beliefs, and replacing them with truths, so I can build my reality & ability to relate on true beliefs.

Such as, “My Father in Heaven LOVES me unconditionally.” That truth is so powerful, but I honestly struggle with it. Not on the conscious MIND level, but on the unconscious HEART level (apparently where my “Id” resides; the conscious MIND level is where my ego operates – thank you, Freud!).

Here’s bible proof, Self: GOD LOVES ME FOREVER!!!

So, how to access the lie in my subconscious that conflicts with this very clear Bible truth? I believe God gave us the key when He said to hide His word in our hearts – by constantly talking & thinking about His truths! Psalm 119:11 says, “I have hidden Your word in my heart, that I might not sin against You.” This implies that when I don’t have God’s word deeply imbedded in my heart (and unconscious), then I am more prone to sin against God. Not to mention myself and the people I love & care for!

LOL. This means I need to start writing down bible verses & Scriptural truths on post-its and putting them everywhere, like those “perfect Christian” guys & girls I always envied and teased about being so perfect & godly. Aw man… :S I shouldn’t have been so mean, what a silly bully I can be! (True Confession: I was just insecure & jealous.) Thanks for setting a good example for me, friends ^_^

But, before I get too ahead of myself, I need to stop and command my soul (as King David did) “Self, ONE step at a time.” I think a realistic goal is that I’ll start by posting one truth up with each blog entry and reflect on it.