Bad trip: Man removes chunk of his penis at middle school after eating shrooms

Hey kids: Ever wonder what happens at your school during summer vacation and also why it’s generally a good idea to avoid hallucinogenic drugs? The Daily Caller is here to help.

Late one night last week, police found a naked 41-year-old man wailing in agony outside Ypsilanti Middle School in Ypsilanti, Mich. During what had to have been a particularly bad magic mushroom trip, the man had ripped off parts of his own penis, reports the Lansing State Journal.

The man was kneeling. He was covered in blood from the waist down. He was near death, presumably from massive blood loss.

Police officers, who had responded to a burglar alarm, restrained the man and called an ambulance.

“He really wasn’t saying much at all — a lot of yelling and screaming,” Sgt. Geoff Fox told the State Journal. “He wasn’t making sense. They couldn’t really communicate with him in terms of constructive conversation.”

Fox added that at least some of the parts the man lost in the incident had been delivered with him to a nearby hospital.

It’s been a long, strange trip for the unidentified man who remains hospitalized in an also unidentified facility. He has since explained to investigators that he had obtained the shrooms earlier the same day. He had come to Ypsilanti to visit friends.

Sgt. Fox noted that the man has no history of drug abuse or mental disorders.

Fox told the State Journal that toxicology tests could provide more information about what happened.

“We’ve sent his blood off for further analysis to see if there was anything else, if the mushrooms could have been laced with something,” he said.

According to a faculty page created by Eric H. Chudler at the University of Washington’s website, the many physiological effects of hallucinogenic mushrooms include an inability to concentrate and, most famously, visual and auditory hallucinations. The effects typically last about four hours.

The website also cites a wise, old Croatian proverb: “All mushrooms are edible, but some only once.”