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About Me

I am a below knee amputee. More importantly, I am also Mommy to two boys, a very active 10 year old (Robby) and an mischievous toddler (Timmy). I have learned that being a parent with a disability can create some unusual and sometimes humorous situations.
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Friday, November 30, 2012

For the first time since my injury on Monday I received some positive
news. Although I'm still hurting, I am now feeling optimistic about my
prognosis. It's amazing what a little good news can do to buoy ones
spirits!

When I fell, the muscle tore and detached from the tibia
on my residual limb. The muscle then went into a contraction, in
essence pulling in upon itself. The contorted, dislodged muscle has been
the crux of a majority of the pain that I have been experiencing.

My
doctor spent nearly 20 minutes massaging my limb in an effort to
reposition the tissue. When I think of getting a massage, I usually
think of lying on a table in a dimly lit room, listening to harp music
and smelling various incense while somebody gently rubs away my
tensions. It is a rare luxury where I am pampered and doted upon. What I
experienced on Wednesday was anything but relaxing!

It was
painful to the point of forcing me to sweat and causing me to become
dizzy. It felt like the doctor was pushing his thumbs directly into my
eye sockets, the only difference being that the pain was in my leg and
not on my face. He pulled, pulled, and pressed on my sensitive limb
until the muscle was finally in the correct position. When he was
satisfied, he pulled out the needles.

Seeing needles and knowing
that they are about to puncture my residual limb is a frightening
experience. By injecting the muscle with botox, we are hoping that the
muscle contractions will stop and the tissue will remain in place.
(Of course, I was planning on my inaugural botox injection being occurring on my face, so the fact that it was in my limb instead was a bit disappointing!) Although I hate shots, I knew that stopping the spasms is integral to my
healing quickly and properly. I buried my head in a pillow and endured 5
separate injections directly into my sensitive residual limb.

If
the botox was successful, the doctor said that I would notice an
improvement by Friday. I don't know if it is wishful thinking, but I
have already noticed a decrease in the intensity of my pain as well as a
marked increase in my range of motion when bending my knee. I don't
want to jinx anything, but I think I may be on the road to recovery!

Tomorrow
afternoon Scott, Robby, and I board a plane to Florida. Monday morning
we will embark on our cruise ship and begin our much anticipated oceanic
adventure. I have accepted that I will have limited mobility on
vacation, but I am elated with the prospect of having decreased pain.
Here's hoping it worked!

Thursday, November 29, 2012

This begins the third day since my injury. While I can't say that the
pain has lessened, I have certainly noticed an improvement in my
demeanor. I have been inundated with well wishes and phone calls from
friends and neighbors. With so much support, it would be impossible to
stay in a funk for long!

Robby couldn't wait to go to school to
tell his friends about my mishap. According to the email I received from
his teacher, Robby made what he dubbed as the "big announcement" during
morning circle. With all of his little classmates sitting around him,
he stood up and proceeded to tell his version of the events.

"You
are not going to believe it. I mean what happened is horrible. Momom
fell and hurt her ankle and her prosthetic leg. We had to take her to
the hospital. Thank goodness they didn't have to put little tubes in her
this time because that really freaked me out. This time, instead of the
little tubes, the doctor took pictures of her bones. She can't walk on
her ankle. Not even a tiny little bit. She can't walk on her prosthetic
because her leg meat peeled away from the bone just like when I eat
chicken. So she can't walk on her ankle. And she can't walk on her
prosthetic. You know what that means? It means she's screwed."

He
then proceeded to take a bow before sitting down with the rest of his
class. His classmates were all duly impressed by my mishap and
concerned about my inability to walk. Collectively, they decided to make
me a get well book. Robby was so proud bringing home and presenting me
the treasure he and his classmates constructed. The pictures that they
drew and the messages that they wrote are utterly precious!

The
get well book, as well as the help and support of my friends, have made
this time easier for me. In addition to the pain, I am finding it
frustrating to slow down and relax. I am always working on a project,
planning and implementing and activity or doing something active. It's
hard for me to just sit, but right now that is my only option. I've been
wanting to figure out how to move in a slower gear; I just didn't want
to be placed on the "injured reserve" list.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I spent all day yesterday wallowing in both pain and frustration as I
have not experienced this intensity of pain since my amputation. Every
time I move my residual limb, I feel pain. The constant struggle to find
a comfortable position, the cramping and the omnipresent soreness is
reminiscent of the first few days following my amputation surgery. To be
succinct, I am utterly miserable!

I am angry that something as
benign as a stick could wreak such havoc in my life. In a second
everything has been turned upside down. The excitement about our much
anticipated cruise has morphed to sheer chaos as Scott and I try to
figure out the logistics of my traveling without a prosthesis. It feels
like our dream family vacation has been ruined because I slipped on a
stick, and the reality that I will not be able to fully enjoy the cruise
because of my injuries makes me angry beyond explanation.

It
has been a long time since I have been confined to a wheelchair.
Everything, from personal care to being situated in a restaurant, is
more laborious when a wheelchair is involved. In addition to the level
of inconvenience and difficulty that result from relying upon a chair, I
am dreading the stares that await me. I am accustomed to the stares
that are generated by my prosthesis. The stares that come from my being
in a wheelchair are those of pity, not curiosity. I hate being pitied!

I
apologize for not having a more positive outlook on the situation. I
realize that so many are confronting more disabling issues than mine,
and that in their eyes I must appear petty. However, my knowing that
others are worse off does not invalidate my feelings in this moment.
Right now I am hurting, disappointed, and sad. I'm hoping that things
will start looking up tomorrow!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Right now I am in significant pain, which is impacting my ability to concentrate and write. Please excuse the brevity of this post. I am sure I will write about the incident in more detail at another time, but right now I find myself struggling through the simplest of sentences.

Yesterday I slipped on my way to pick up Robby from school. When I regained my senses, I instantly knew that I was injured. A few phone calls for help, followed by a lengthy trip to the emergency room, began what turned into a long and difficult night.

Thankfully I did not break my ankle. Unfortunately I did sustain a severe sprain, rendering me unable to put weight through my foot. Always an overachiever, I also injured my residual limb. The muscle tore away from the tibia, and I suffered a deep bone bruise from the tip up to my knee. I cannot wear my prosthetic or put any pressure on my limb.

I cannot use my knee scooter because of the ankle sprain. I cannot use crutches because I can't put enough weight through either limb to be functional. My mobility is limited to my kneeling on a towel pulling my body along the floor with my arms. I can't go far, nor can I move quickly. On the positive, my hallway should be buffed by the time I am healed.

It has been years since I have been immobilized and in this much pain. I am frustrated, miserable and deflated. For the first time since my amputation, I feel completely disabled. I am not happy!

Monday, November 26, 2012

After coming home from my mom's house, I stashed all of the gifts I
secured on Black Friday in Mr. Bill's closet. I have learned that I have
to listen to a lighthearted lecture about buying too much and spoiling
Robby and Scott, but the trade-off is a secure place to hide my presents
so the lecture is worth it. Robby still fully believes in Santa Claus
so I don't want a slip up on my part to cause him to question the magic
of Christmas.

Last year I wasn't sure if Robby would continue
believe in Santa. With him in school, I know that older kids can quickly
squelch the innocence of the younger ones. I can't begin to explain how
happy I am that I have at least one more year to enjoy this magical
season, and I plan on making the most of every aspect!

We're only
a few days past Thanksgiving, but it is already beginning to look a lot
like Christmas in our house. The first few batches of Christmas cookies
have already been baked- and enjoyed. The DVD's have been swapped,
exchanging CARS and Ghostbusters for Rudolph and The Grinch.

Because
we are going on a week-long cruise next week, I had every intention of
keeping my decoration to a minimum. After all, it seemed illogical to
invest a lot of time and energy into putting out lights and decking the
halls when we are going to miss 20% of the season. Logic apparently went
out with the turkey carcass on Thanksgiving because my house is
beginning to resemble the North Pole!

Since Scott's football
viewing schedule didn't commence until 1:00 yesterday, I pounced on the
opportunity to get our tree. Robby didn't take much convincing to bundle
up and drive to the tree farm. Scott required a little more cajoling,
but he quickly got into the holiday spirit when he realized that my
invitation was more of a directive than a question.

Singing
Christmas carols and talking about our wish lists, the hour-long drive
to the tree farm passed quickly. As soon as we arrived, Robby grabbed a
wagon and saw and immediately took off towards the tree field. He
spotted what he swore to be "the most perfect tree in the whole world"
from the road. Although we tried to encourage him to look at other
trees, he was convinced that he found the best one. In retrospect, I think that he just wanted to start sawing! Scott and I
acquiesced, agreed that it was a nice tree, and "helped" him cut it
down. It took us 60 minutes to drive to the tree farm but we were only
there for thirty minutes, twenty of which were spent wrapping and tying
the tree to our roof.

I wish we had invested at least as much
time in tree selection as we did in driving to the field. Although we
tried, we simply cannot get the tree to stand straight. It looks like a
coniferous leaning tower and is precariously propped in its base with a
series of stones and bricks. I'm hoping that Charlie Cat is not
interested in what is essentially a cat playground because I'm fairly
certain it will tip over when bumped.

After the tree was propped
and wedged in the base, I went about the task of stringing the lights.
This is when I realized that the branches were not adorned with tiny
pine cones. Instead, they were covered with cocoons of an unidentified
insect. It took me nearly 45 minutes to ferret them out, significantly
compromising the fullness of the tree. I decided to fill in the gaps
with handfuls of Christmas lights.

Despite the imperfections, our
tree is beautiful. In many ways it is perfect fit for our family. It
doesn't stand completely straight, it is riddled with holes and I'm sure
it is home to at least a few more cocoons. (Hopefully nothing will be
tricked into hatching early because of the warmth of the house.) I'm
hoping to take a cue from our Christmas tree. It does not have to be
perfect to be beautiful just as our holiday season doesn't have to go
without a hitch to be successful. I'm going to try to stay both relaxed
and in the moment this year!