Dear God, Sincerely Me

Thanks for never giving up on me. You’ve seen me at my worst. It’s weird…I guess that I sort of tried to erase those times from my memory. Or at the very least suppress them. But You knew that I was just being me. You understood where I was coming from.

But it’s hard for me to imagine that You can just overlook all of that. In the eyes of people, if they saw what You have seen, how revolted would they be. In the eyes of people, if they saw what You have seen, how quickly would they create a distance between me and them. In the eyes of people, if they saw what You have seen, there would probably be no one left on earth who loved me.

I guess the reason why I have tried to forget, and tried to suppress, is because I couldn’t believe that You would love me just as I am. That with all my flaws, with all my mistakes, with all my selfishness, with all my doubts, with all my weaknesses – that despite all of that, You would still not reject me. So I tried to hide it.

But I can hide nothing from You. I can hide things from other people. I can hide things from myself. But I can hide nothing from You.

It was unfair of me to not trust You. It was ungenerous of me to not believe that You could overlook my dark side. A mother would hate to throw her child into a fire, yet it is only through a small drop of Your mercy that a mother loves so deeply. Could you really love me that much?

Let me just say it from the deepest part of my being: God, I love you, and I want You to love me back, just as I am. I want to be better, and I ask You to help me be better, but please shower me with Your love at this moment. I am in desperate need of it. I have always been in need of it, and I always will. Without it, I can never be whole.