I've kept myself occupied and as a result have been feeling a bit better recently but have just watched an old weepie The Trap starring Oliver Reed, and Rita Tushingham who always manages to make me cry she has such huge trusting and doleful eyes and now I'm feeling sorry for myself. My children are in Beijing and Mexico City, my husband (not their Dad) has been watching tv all afternoon on a second set in another room of the house and even on Christmas Eve I'm once again on my own and wondering why I bothered to marry him when he doesn't seem to need to spend time with me.

I'm lucky, we have a lovely house, it's warm and comfortable, there's plenty of good food, I'm looking at a lovely tree and have a card which makes me smile and reminds me warmly of the ongoing support of the person who sent it.

I hope you all have a happy Christmas, especially those of who don't have any family around to keep them company. Families can be difficult too but it's always better to share life.

I'm feeling pretty much like yourself only I will have family around me to share.

I am at ny brothers & when I get him sorted this morning we will go to Mums. God forgive me but I'd very happily trade places to spend the day on my own at my own place. The only thing that will make it bareable is that my 22 yr old son will be coming for dinner & I will see him for a few hours before he heads of to a party tonight.

I'm sorry to hear you are not looking forward to Christmas and expect it to be miserable. I'm determined to at least TRY to enjoy the next few days. I don't have any family apart from the children who are abroad and so it will be just myself and my husband who can be a bit of a wet blanket at this time of year as he is incapable of even tolerating things like carols. Although a lot of the programmes will not be my taste, I am going to try to enjoy them for the one day and feel glad to be alive. My husband has end stage renal failure and may not be here next year and that a sobering thought.

Do try to enjoy your family, at least you will not be alone. I wish I had my mum alive to see even though I never felt loved by her and she never wanted to spend Christmas with me.

Sue, I'm sorry to hear about your husband. My father had renal cancer and then it came back and attacked him as a whole. He became a very different person, deliberately distancing him from the rest of us. It was not an easy time for any of us, but I did a great job of distancing myself from it and apparently coping very well..... I wonder now whether that was a good idea now. Best wishes for this season. Axx

Thank you for the kind thoughts. In some ways I don't distance myself from it enough in that I feel almost constantly sad and despairing about the loss of how he was and how now he seems to have no desire to spend time or connect with me, probably because he's depressed himself about his failing life and also because he's continually bodily exhausted.

Thanks again, and have a good Christmas and New Year. It's helpful to have the website here and to be able to interact a little with other people.