Friday, 16 June 2017

Being a young woman surrounded by horny friends in their twenties the topic of sex is talked about 98.5% of the time - women tell each other every gritty little detail. Speaking with the girls we often talk about what we look for in a guy, our relationship issues and the new hot guy you bumped into at work, uni, Tesco, wherever. However, we often discuss the more intimate topics which have led to this mini-series ‘The problems with….’, where we will chit chat about the problems with willies, balls, men in general and so much more.

One girl said to me, ‘Dicks are naturally problematic’, so I feel like that is a good place to start.

Here are the top 10 problems that come with experiencing a new penis:

Shrinkage – You get in the shower ready for a steamy session and look down to discover that the sausage that you thought would be an extra large with buns on the side is actually something almost half the size, that looks like a dried hairy raisin.

Hair – Nothing worse than going down to meet the new penis and being greeted by a bush that hasn’t seen a razor in over a month, I mean whatever floats your boat, but I am not a fan of flossing my teeth while I blow.

The talk – Nothing beats when a guy talks about the fully grown anaconda he’s got in his Calvins and you get slightly excited - but approach with caution! What you are faced with is merely no more than an inch of disappointment. You can't lie to a woman, we all secretly work for MI5.

The smell – FORTUNATELY never encountered this but hygiene come on, even with a big boy bravado there is no excuse for it to smell, supermarket basics are less than a pound.

Bent – We like to bend over and break our backs during sex, but when the dick is bent to the point where it’s somewhere around the corner, this could be an issue. I mean don’t get it twisted a bent penis can be ok, I mean I guess you last longer if the cum has a corner to turn.

Balls – Two is preferable, please. No one wants to see one big ball with no divide but equally no one wants to see balls hanging on either side of the Pacific.

Balls continue – To me these are just hairy nuggets of reproduction but there are other issues to consider, do they hang unexpectedly low or are they right up in there? Are they big like boulders or small like walnuts?

Girth – Is it really thick though? Has it actually got girth or is it simply giving the old school optical illusion it is because it is shorter.

Length – Objects in the mirror may be larger than they appear… or not. Don’t be fooled, girls just remember if you can find the right angle to hide your double chin you bet he has spent time looking to find the best angle for his boy.

Let it all hang out – Why is it that boys choose to wear the tightest jeans and then when the outline of the aubergine is on full display and your eyes wander, they get all uptight. It is the age old argument of if you’ve got it flaunt it.

So there it is, what we consider the top 10 but what do you guys think?

Monday, 12 June 2017

How the f*ck do you tell a new partner you want to roleplay? How do you make it not awkward? How does it even work? Ladies, lemme tell you how.

Roleplay can add some serious fire to your sex life especially if you have been with your partner for a long time. But for it to be hot it has to be done right.

Adultery is so 2015. If you have ever fantasised about doing the plumber, a police officer, even the gas man, then this is your chance. We all have fantasies and that is absolutely fine. As long as your partner is up for acting them out with you then this is a really healthy way to make your fantasies come to life - it might also save your relationship.

How do I tell my partner I want to roleplay?

You just do it. If they're your partner you should feel comfortable enough to tell them - if you don't feel comfortable talking to them about it then maybe question why you don't feel comfortable. For some, understandably, they are embarrassed by asking to roleplay as it is annoyingly viewed as 'strange' by some of society. But roleplaying isn't strange and it certainly doesn't need to be an embarrassing conversation. But DO NOT have this conversation while in the middle of already having sexy time. It will put your partner in an awkward situation if they don't want to and it could potentially ruin the moment. I recommend bringing it into the conversation gently. Ask them 'do you have any fantasies?', or if you already know for example that they would love to do it with a nurse then ask them 'how would you like it if I dressed up as a nurse?'. Introduce it slowly, start by just dressing up, and work up to acting as if you're in a Hollywood movie.

How do I roleplay?

Ladies and gentleman, however, you damn well want. Dress up, be naked, do different makeup, act, don't act, just do what you're both comfortable with. There is no set way to roleplay. If you want you can watch some roleplay porn and get ideas from that but don't depend on it, it's down to you to discover what you like. You can also gather ideas for roleplay from a tonne of other things, films, books, TV shows. Write down a list of things you'd like to try roleplaying and show your partner over a coffee - that way you can get excited about what you're going to try out.

What if my partner rejects the idea?

And? It's his/hers choice. You can't force anyone to do anything that they don't want to. If you're upset that your partner rejected your sexual fantasy then don't take it personally. There is always porn at the end of the day...

Sunday, 11 June 2017

From the shocking reveal of how many calories are in the Domino's garlic and herb dip, Paris Hilton's new hair, to Theresa May's confession on the naughtiest thing she has ever done there has been a lot of strange things in the news lately - that we just can't help but feed ourselves this useless knowledge.

Admit it, you click those unusual news stories. We can't help but feed our minds useless crap that won't make us any more intelligent. Here are some of VavaViolet's favourites that have popped up on our timelines:

Domino's garlic and herb dip has how many calories?!

The 100g big dip contains a whopping 675 calories, which should put us off but it really doesn't. I only eat half of it so that's only like 300 and something calories on top of my 7,028,383 calorific pizza.

Theresa May was a really naughty child *cough*

With the general election being one of the current biggest topics it's no surprise journalists have started asking more (in my opinion) interesting questions. One asked May "What's the naughtiest thing you have ever done?" to which the Prime Minister replied, "Oh, goodness me. Well, I suppose... gosh. Do you know, I'm not quite sure. I can't think what the naughtiest thing...," she said.

But upon being encouraged by her interviewer, the apparently sheepish PM said: "Well, nobody is ever perfectly behaved, are they? I mean, you know, there are times when... I have to confess, when me and my friend, sort of, used to run through the fields of wheat."

“The farmers weren’t too pleased about that,” she added. To be fair the farmers could have mistaken her for a fox and sent the dogs after her... wouldn't that of been ironic.

Paris Hilton has dyed her hair

I know right, who really gives a shit? But apparently, some as it's been in the news. Barbie-blonde Paris Hilton now has brown hair. Dark brown hair. ISIS are killing people on our streets but the world 'can't cope' because Miss Hilton has dyed her hair according to one news site.

Ed Sheeran stuffing his face with Malteasers

My two favourite things, Ed and those delightful lil chocolate balls. Ed Sheeran brought his guitar along for the ride in James Corden's latest Carpool Karaoke. But the chart-topping singer also brought some snacks along for the ride. James challenged Ed to stuff 47 Maltesers into his mouth. I was most curious to see if the singer could handle it. He shocked us all and fitted an incredible 55 in his gob before spitting them all out on the side of the road. Litterbug.

A first date went tits up on national TV

Like first dates weren't hard enough. On first dates rugby player, John said one of the most brutal put-downs we think we've ever seen in the famous restaurant. During his meal with Greig John decided to pop out for a fag (who does that on a date?), John returned from his smoke break to drop a line that made me choke on my perfectly good cup of coffee. "I don't think you're attractive," John deadpanned, before the pair both agreed to cut the date short. "What's the point in staying and having a main course?" he asked.

If you have seen something unusual in the news lately that you would like us to review please send it to vavaviolett@outlook.com

Wednesday, 7 June 2017

It feels wrong to carry on with everyday things after a terrorist attack, especially after the three we have had recently.

On Saturday night we sat in front of our TV’s and watched another nightmare unfold before our eyes. Three cowards ploughed into people on London Bridge, then jumped out of their van and stabbed whoever was in reach with long knives.

The week before that I laid in bed and a notification popped up on my phone telling me that a suicide bomber had blown himself up as children walked towards him, parents stood next to him, and as people left a night of love and music.

Since the attacks I feel guilty for moaning about everyday things, I feel guilty for tweeting something that isn’t to do with the attacks, I feel bad for watching anything other than the news. But I know I'm not alone, I've seen others feel the same guilt. YouTubers asking their fans if it's okay to post a video or is it insensitive to do so the day after an attack?

But life must go on. If we cower, if we hide, if we give up then they win. All those who have died would have died in vain. I watched One Love Manchester and that guilt left me, the sadness left me, and despite these attacks, I could see hope once again - as I'm sure many others could.

It's okay to carry on living your life, it's okay to laugh, to smile, to enjoy music, those who have died would want you to live your life. But don't just live your life for you anymore, live it for them too. Live it for those who had theirs taken away from them.

I wanted to take a moment, instead of talking about myself in a life update, to say my condolences to the family and friends who have lost someone in these attacks. Myself and my team of writers for VavaViolet stand by you.

Monday, 5 June 2017

Sex is one of the most natural things you will ever do in your entire life so it's no wonder we fall into bed with strangers on the first date.

It's an act of comfort, pleasure, and in some cases love. Some say you should only have sex when it is an act of love and to never do it to achieve pleasure and nothing more.

But sex is a personal act to all of us, it's up to you as an individual to decide what it means to you. To me it's something that I not only savour but it makes me feel sanguine. I'm at my most confident while having sex, so why would I not want to enjoy that as much as I can? The word 'slut' I'm sure will come into some minds while reading that last line but that word, over time means nothing to me.

What is wrong with doing it for the hell of it? What is really wrong with having a little fun? The thrill of a strangers hands all over you after a hot sweaty night in a club, with some guy that you went on a date with and knew you wouldn't see again, or on a first date that went perfectly? You're not less of a woman or man for getting under those sheets, for being fondled against a wall, or doing it in the back of a car.

But sometimes it can go wrong, you don't know this person or their intentions. You don't know whether they have an STD, a criminal record, whether they put their cups down on coasters, or god forbid if they wear Crocs around their home. If you're going to do the deed with someone you just met then be my guest, it's your life, just do it with care and respect for yourself.

A woman can sleep with who she wants, when she wants, as long as she is safe. As long as you use protection - especially with a 'stranger', someone knows exactly where you are even if that means quickly texting an address to a friend, and as long as you respect yourself to make sure these things are in place as a precaution then live your life as you please.

You are not a slut for living this way but you're an idiot if you don't do it as safely as you possibly can.

Sunday, 4 June 2017

Grief is one of the most overwhelming and complicated emotions that as a human I have ever had the displeasure of feeling. One minute you know it is for the best and the next thing your head remembers that you never got to say all the things you wanted to say and it hits you like a brick in the face.

I watched an episode of 24 hours in A and E recently and at the end of the title credits the guy says that the worst thing is always remembering the last thing you ever said to someone and hoping that it is I love you, but even then it doesn’t make in any easier.

Everyone deals with grief in different ways it is such a complex emotion. Everyone is telling you the bog standard, ‘that everything is going to be ok’… ‘They’re at peace’, but how do they know that? How can everyone else see that everything will be ok and be so strong when it feels like your whole world is crumbling beneath your feet? You cry inevitably, uncontrollably and no one can calm you down. In that moment everything goes dark you don’t talk you don’t even remember or listen to what the person is saying to you. They could be stood in front of you or on the phone but all you can hear is ‘it is bad news’ and that is all that you needed to hear it replays over and over in your head, everything is irrelevant and then the words ‘they’re gone’ or ‘I’m sorry’. Boom! It hits you again and no matter how much you think you are prepared for it nothing can come to your mind other than what you’ve just heard. You open your mouth but nothing comes out, and when you come around you realise that you’re crying, screaming or just inconsolable. All you see when you close your eyes is their face, the person that is gone, but the picture is fuzzy and all you want is it to focus so that you can say what you wanted too but it is way too late.

Time passes and then the anger sets in an unbelievable anger and it usually is targeted at those closest to you. They haven’t done anything but try to support you but like most things, grief has no boundary. It will come at you from every angle and you go through the selfish anger that why is everyone else ok and you’re not coping. You feel angry at yourself for not being able to be ok, but there is nothing you can do. They are gone now so what is the point in being angry but still, this unrelenting anger rises in you. You say things you don’t mean or stop talking altogether anything to not let everyone else see how hurt you are.

Time passes again and then comes the point where you tell everyone ‘I’m fine’ and that ‘you understand’ where they were coming from, and some people's grief stops there. Personally, for me this is when the denial sets in. It is too much and you can bet that in your room when it is just you and a box of Kleenex then you still cry. A song, a quote, a voice or an advert and it takes you straight back to the lowest point but you feel too weak and insecure to talk about it. You’ve told everyone that ‘You’re fine’. You will be ok. Everyone keeps telling you and you have to tell yourself now too but still, in that moment when you are alone in the dark you reminisce, you do anything to not think about it, to escape it for a second but nothing works.

No matter who it is or what you’ve done you have to hold on to the memories and even if you think they aren’t there they will come just like everything it takes time. Be it one thing about them and it can be the silliest of things and that is the best feeling, you learn to not regret things that you didn’t say and remember the good things that you did. The good memory is what you need to hold on too and that internal battle is the hardest thing to overcome, you just need to hold onto the fact that it will come it may be days, weeks, months later but it will come.

No matter how alone you feel the people that truly love and care for you will always be there no matter how much you push them. Reach out to anyone you trust enough, a family member, friends a stranger or if you can’t do that write it down. Get your feelings there on paper let it out, don’t let grief win, don’t let yourself tarnish the memory of the person you’ve lost. The people that listen and are there for you in the end understand a hell of a lot more than you think. Just don’t suffer on your own, don’t ever feel like you are a burden to people because they will always listen.

I’m not religious and I don’t really believe in fate but I do believe that you get your reward in this life and in the next, and those people that listened to me truly are angels. Nan, you’re out there somewhere and you should know you are so loved by everyone, no matter what has happened and the tears that were shed eventually everything will be ok. Even when you are not here anymore there is always someone waiting for you on the other side wherever you believe that is. Reunions and chocolate raisins have got me through as my memories and as a wise woman once told me ‘they can take everything away from you but memories are yours’.

The last thing I said was that ‘I love you’ and I know you and I can hold onto that forever.

(If anyone wants to talk about the issues Jess has spoken about here, all of the team here at VavaViolet will offer an ear to listen to you, it is always better to talk to someone, you are never truly alone - contact vavaviolett@outlook.com)

Friday, 2 June 2017

You know when you're due a visit to the nail salon and you just can't decide what colour or pattern to get done? Get them all.

In a cab, on the way to my amazing nail technician Tee I was hastily scrolling through Pinterest trying to find some nail inspiration and I did, I found five. Leopard, black, check, stripes, and pink. For the life of me, I could not pinpoint which one I wanted the most.

When it comes to everything else in life when we really want it we just get it, if we can. You find a top you love to death but can't decide whether to get black or white so you get them both, ice-cream or chocolate cake for dessert - let's have a bit of each, blonde or brown hair? highlights, so why do we feel like when it comes to nails they have to all be the same colour, the same pattern.

From now on if I can't decide I'll just get them all because you only live once right?