Counting carbs/calories is a drag. Obsessive scale stepping is a recipe for despair. If you want to count something, "days on habit" is a much better metric. Checking off days on a calendar would do just fine, but if you do it here you get accountability and support. Here's how. Start a new topic in this forum called (say) "Your Name Daily Check In." Then every N day post a "reply" to that topic as to whether you stayed on habit. A simple "<font color="green">SUCCESS</font>" or "<font color="red">FAILURE</font>" (or your preferred euphemism if that's too harsh) is sufficient, but obviously you're welcome to write more if you want. On S-days just register that you're taking an S-day. You don't have to do this forever, just until you're confident you've built the habit. Feel free to check in weekly or monthly or sporadically instead of daily. Feel free also to track other habits besides No-s (I'm keeping this forum under No-s because that's what the vast majority are using it for). See also my <a href="/habitcal/">HabitCal</a> tool for another more formal (and perhaps complementary) way to track habits.

Hi! Now that you have (re) explained your estimated calories, it makes a lot more sense to me. Thank you for taking the time. I guess I'm still stuck on the idea that food you have to chew is somehow more substantial than, say, yogurt or food additives. But if you're not wanting to chew the furniture out of hunger, sounds like a good thing. I'm happy for you that you don't experience much hunger. That's a positive thing! Here's hoping today is a good day.

I hope you enjoy your S day. I certainly intend to enjoy mine! I think they help somewhat with the idea that there ARE times that S's are okay to indulge in. If that sounds like a newbie comment, it's because I'm a newbie.

Best wishes for your back. I'm sure you've developed the methods that help you cope, but I'll just put in a plug for using a heating pad. For me, it helps more than any pain relieving medicine, not that I eschew those when I hurt either. When my 28-year-old stepson twinged his back lifting weights, he took me up on that suggestion and he was amazed at how much it helped him. Young people sometimes don't know about the simple remedies, but we're older and wiser .

Thanks Candace! Actually, I've never really hurt my lower back before. And I'm not sure what I've done this time - it just feels uncomfortable and unstable. The heating pad idea is a great one. I still walked yesterday, but held off on any jogging. I did some yard work too, but I was very careful in my movements.

I've restocked on Diet Sprite. I was trying to only have "natural" sparkling waters, etc., for a while - and well, you can see that my out of control eating was taking off like all gangbusters. I need something sweet, even if it's artificial, while I'm getting through these first months without alcohol. I don't want to become dependent on the diet sodas, but I need some sort of a crutch. My "non-oral" replacement activities simply aren't enough yet. But I am done eating insanely, I can say that. My hubby brought home cinnamon rolls, a giant bag of Reese's, and a giant bag of snickerdoodles for me Friday night. He was just trying to be kind, I know, but enough of that. I'll let him know that I am no longer on a free for all.

Moving
planning on taking Creator climbing, but not sure how much I will participate. We'll see how my back is feeling.

Eating
B: coffee w/milk, latte
L: copious amounts of broccoli, carrots, and some sort of costco yogurt dip
coffee w/milk + brain octane oil (I noticed that since I stopped taking this is when the sugar cravings began to hit hard). My working hypothesis is that the ketones from these MCT oils supply my brain with usable fuel so that it is not craving the glucose hit of sweets. I think that alcohol for many years messed up my brain metabolism so that it needs acetones and doesn't process glucose as well, and the ketones from MCT oil can stem the tide while my brain (hopefully) recalibrates. Anyway, so back on with the MCT oil for another month, experimentally.
1 diet sprite
D: giant salad w/leftover steak
1 diet sprite
another coffee w/milk & brain octane oil - doing what I can to ignore alcohol and sugar cravings.
a THIRD diet sprite for the day. This is as close to white-knuckle as I get. My brain wants fuel and is sort of broken in its methods. My neurotransmitters are all akimbo.
Just a heads-up - I normally am not too defensive on this forum, but if anyone makes any comments about aspartame and my diet sprites, I will probably lose my sh#t. I will deal with the diet sprites later.

48th day no-alcohol

Moving
Back improving, but still no clear plans for exercise
I did 10 pushups and 2 pullups
I think the running was super important in the first few weeks of no alcohol; need to get back to that. I think I will go tomorrow even if my back is hurting; I'll just take it easy.

Clean 15 min - A new system I'm tracking on coach.me
Goal is to clean every day for at least 15 min. I set a timer, put on music, and do whatever needs doing for just that short amount of time. Ideally, I'll do 2 rounds a day! But the benchmark is just the one round, speed-clean style.
I've done this before, and although I fell off the wagon (shocker), it's been my long-term most successful approach to cleaning.

PersonalLearningBeing Human: Essays on Thoughtmares, Bouncing Back, and Your True Nature by Amy Johnson
The basic, immutable nature of all human beings is well-being, clarity, and peace of mind. Those are your default state—what you already are in this very moment. Anytime your experience of life doesn’t reflect clarity or peace of mind—anytime you’re suffering; experiencing confusion, pain, fear, or loss; or questioning yourself or your abilities—you are deep in thought. Personal, habitual thinking is the only thing that ever holds you back from the peaceful experience of who you really are. Through a series of short but powerful essays and real-life client conversations, Being Human sets you up for your own personal insights and realizations about your true nature and how easy life can be. This is not a self-help book because you don’t need self-help. You are already well. The most you could ever “need” is to be reminded that you already have within you everything you’re looking for and to understand the principles that lead you to connect with it. Being Human is that reminder.

Eating
B: coffee w/milk, latte
L: copious amounts of broccoli, carrots, and some sort of costco yogurt dip
coffee w/milk + brain octane oil (I noticed that since I stopped taking this is when the sugar cravings began to hit hard). My working hypothesis is that the ketones from these MCT oils supply my brain with usable fuel so that it is not craving the glucose hit of sweets. I think that alcohol for many years messed up my brain metabolism so that it needs acetones and doesn't process glucose as well, and the ketones from MCT oil can stem the tide while my brain (hopefully) recalibrates. Anyway, so back on with the MCT oil for another month, experimentally.
1 diet sprite
D: giant salad w/leftover steak
1 diet sprite
another coffee w/milk & brain octane oil - doing what I can to ignore alcohol and sugar cravings.
a THIRD diet sprite for the day. This is as close to white-knuckle as I get. My brain wants fuel and is sort of broken in its methods. My neurotransmitters are all akimbo.
Just a heads-up - I normally am not too defensive on this forum, but if anyone makes any comments about aspartame and my diet sprites, I will probably lose my sh#t. I will deal with the diet sprites later.

48th day no-alcohol

Moving
Back improving, but still no clear plans for exercise
I did 10 pushups and 2 pullups
I think the running was super important in the first few weeks of no alcohol; need to get back to that. I think I will go tomorrow even if my back is hurting; I'll just take it easy.

Clean 15 min - A new system I'm tracking on coach.me
Goal is to clean every day for at least 15 min. I set a timer, put on music, and do whatever needs doing for just that short amount of time. Ideally, I'll do 2 rounds a day! But the benchmark is just the one round, speed-clean style.
I've done this before, and although I fell off the wagon (shocker), it's been my long-term most successful approach to cleaning.

PersonalLearningBeing Human: Essays on Thoughtmares, Bouncing Back, and Your True Nature by Amy Johnson
The basic, immutable nature of all human beings is well-being, clarity, and peace of mind. Those are your default state—what you already are in this very moment. Anytime your experience of life doesn’t reflect clarity or peace of mind—anytime you’re suffering; experiencing confusion, pain, fear, or loss; or questioning yourself or your abilities—you are deep in thought. Personal, habitual thinking is the only thing that ever holds you back from the peaceful experience of who you really are. Through a series of short but powerful essays and real-life client conversations, Being Human sets you up for your own personal insights and realizations about your true nature and how easy life can be. This is not a self-help book because you don’t need self-help. You are already well. The most you could ever “need” is to be reminded that you already have within you everything you’re looking for and to understand the principles that lead you to connect with it. Being Human is that reminder.

The above highlighted comment was a GIANT LOL! Way to go on 48 days, hopefully getting somewhat easier.

I don't know where you fall on the "addiction spectrum" (my word), but I have learned and have to admit that I really do have a food addiction. I tried moderating all my life and failed. I realize NoS actually states that it is a moderation plan (systematic moderation). And S Days proved to me I could not moderate. I don't think I am the only one. I see people on this board that have been trying for years and years and cannot seem to succeed. I finally learned that I had to abstain or I would reawaken the beast. It would be similar to someone having an alcohol addiction and allowing themselves to just drink on the weekend. However, I have finally kicked the cravings by abstaining.

At any rate I found a really interesting book just released, FOOD JUNKIES, by Vera Tarman, M.D. She explains clearly the differences between normal overeaters, emotional eaters, eating disorders, food addiction and how there is overlap but the situations are not all the same and there is different treatment protocol needed. She believes portion control and moderation do not work for the addict. She is a medical doctor in Canada who has worked in the area of food addiction for quite some time. I listened to some of her youtube lectures and interviews before ordering the book. I would be interested in your evaluation since you have a strong science background, a good B.S. meter, and are also fighting your own battle.

Tex - you are SO totally on my wavelength here!! I couldn't agree with you more. Just as I can't moderate with my alcohol, many people on this forum can't moderate with sweets/refined carbs. And I can see the difference for myself, because I CAN mostly moderate with sweets. Although, I have struggled mightily with sweets since giving up the drink!! - I can totally tell I am in danger of what's called "cross-addiction" where I get a new addiction (in my case, sweets) when I quit alcohol. So I might end up needing to abstain from sweets too! Ah, well.

And I know that you are at peace with your choice, which is key to doing well with abstention. When we know we are happier abstaining (really know it, deep inside) and don't feel that we are "missing out" or depriving ourselves, then our risk of relapse reduces.

I would love to read her book. I'll check for it on my Kindle!

PS Simmstone's post actually nicely dovetails with some of the inner work I've been doing lately.

PPS I consider myself to have "mild alcohol dependence", but even that has pushed me into the need for abstinence realm. I feel delighted with my new lifestyle choice, but that doesn't mean there is no struggle. Such is life.

Eating
B: coffee w/milk + brain octane oil + 1 cup bone broth
came home to get Creator (I took him to the potluck) - had a diet ginger ale.
L: work potluck - 1 baked potato + bacon crumbles + shredded cheese + sour cream + a little chili. There was no real butter (sigh). Then I had some blueberries/raspberries and a spinach salad. Not overeating did require willpower. It's easier to either NOT eat at these functions or to overindulge than it is to choose moderate foods and abstain from the sweets.
When I get home, I'll fix another cup of bone broth w/oil and milk if I am feeling restless for something. Update - yes! Need something!
Diet root beer will be good too.
D: giant salad + leftover salmon
difficulties - had chicken wings at Chuck E Cheese with Creator
got home, had a cup of milk
After dinner, another diet sprite.

Moving
45 walk/jog w/HappyHerder when I got home from work.
Went climbing last night w/Creator and tweaked back again!!!

Really interesting discussion. I have issues with certain sweets and refined carbs, no question. In my case, though, after I’ve abstained from all refined carbs for a while, it seems that my system recalibrates some.

There seem to be certain things that I just can’t start, because I won’t stop. May sound silly, but peanut M&Ms are right up there. If I start, it gets ugly. Certain breads I find difficult to stop.

Yet once I’ve re-calibrated my system, I can have small portions of some high-quality sweets. Had a small piece of bakery chocolate mousse cake over the weekend at a friend’s house, and that was enough at the time. There have been other times, though, when I would have needed a lot more. It was still fortunate that there were no leftovers in my refrigerator, though!

When I’m in control, there can be leftover frozen yogurt in the freezer and I won’t pick at it, even on weekends when I have “permission”. When I’m out of control, little is safe. Even when I’m in control, some things are triggers regardless. This all can get complicated to manage. When I’m trying to lose, it seems better to just cut way way back on all of that stuff. The trick will be bringing just a little more back on S days after I want to stop losing.

I don’t claim my situation is the same for everyone who has challenges with refined carbs, though. I completely agree that there are different kinds of issues with them, not all the same.

Whoa 48 days! Fantastic job! You are killing it. I sure hope nobody food shames you about diet sprite of all things. I love my sugar free chai ice blended drinks and don’t feel badly at all about the fake sure. It’s not like I’m shooting up heroine or something for god sakes.

Thanks, auto! Burgers ... believe it or not, I made a new recipe for mushroom-barley veggie burgers last weekend and not only did I like them, but my husband liked them. But as Candace said ... burgers. I do love me some summertime burgers off the grill. Sounds like you really enjoyed yours!

Hello Auto!
Haven’t been around for a while, as my thread explains, but it was nice to come back to your interesting posts. A big thank you for the Personal Learning post you did on 17th June - I’ve been dabbling with Mindfulness recently, and found the Amy Johnson quote comforting and relevant, as I’ve been going through a challenging time.

Love your 15’ cleaning idea. I so often fall victim to what Flylady used to call Stinkin’ thinkin’. ie. why do I have to clean up other people’s mess? But I’m much happier if I spend a little time even superficially cleaning/tidying. I remind myself that I actually benefit from the physical activity. Putting music on is a great idea.

Certainly not judging your three Sprites. I had three pieces of chocolate cake yesterday.
x

Funny your comment about enjoying the cleaning physically. I do as well, and it's a lot of varied movement, not all the same like walking or running, so it must be great for our mobility, yes? But not only that, but yesterday as I was making my bed, I realized I actually enjoy making the bed. When I don't rush myself, or think of the next thing on the list, then making the bed is extremely satisfying! I guess I'm dabbling in mindfulness, too, although the books I've been reading fall into a minority approach, I think. I've been really enjoying them, however, despite the ridicule some might give the approach.

I finally was able to get some time to pull out my chromebook and write a proper entry on here. Today is our last day at Great Wolf Lodge. We head home tonight. This vacation, guys, it's been unique. No alcohol and practicing being in the moment and not focusing on particular thoughts. Wow. What a revolution. I really don't even have words at this point. I think I'll just let it feel good inside me right now and not worry about trying to explain it (holy sh*t, that's a first for me, haha!!!)

I'm looking at that and thinking that is not nearly as bad as it felt. Hmmm. Well, Saturday/Sunday/Monday were all so bad that it's probably spill-over bad feeling. I bet I've gained 5 pounds.

Moving
OK, in this category I'm a hero. We're staying on the 7th floor and I never take the elevator. Just yesterday I went up and down like 8 times. That's not counting the water slide stairs!! So yeah, baby, I'm moving.

Reading
Finished "Real" by Clare Dimond.

‘Be yourself’ they said.

‘I want to be’ I said. ‘But who am I?’

Have you ever noticed that what you think about who you are, how you should be, how well you are doing changes? This is because our idea of who we are is created in thought and it is the nature of thought to change. Looking at this more clearly takes us on a breath-taking exploration into what is real about us. We discover what is permanent, unchanging. And it is never what we think.

The first part of REAL looks at everything that cannot be true about who we are. It looks at what is transient, momentary and ever-changing such as our thoughts, feelings, beliefs, insecurities, habits, stress. These are all the things we can stop paying attention to because the only thing we know for sure about them is that they will change.

And this leaves us with one important question: who are we?

The second part of REAL explores what remains when our thought-created idea of self dissolves. It explores what is constant, what is always there regardless of transient thought and belief. By looking for the constant we get closer to the truth of us. When we live from this understanding, we have more freedom, integrity and wholeness than we had ever thought possible.

Sounds like you’re doing great mentally and whatever weight you’ve put on will come right off once you get back in the swing of things.

I’ve been trying to be more present in my day to day life. I don’t really know if I’m doing it right but I tell myself things like “I’m walking on the beach with my husband and two kids and it’s a beautiful day.” And then I just kind of try to take in the moment. I know I’m just in my head too much to be present most of the time so trying to change that. Maybe I need to read more about it..

Welcome home. Congratulations on the ropes courses, being in the moment, not having alcohol, and all the rest of it.

That's so amusing about making the bed. I like making the bed too, and I thought that was weird. I do like it better when my husband and I do it together though, which is most of the time. It's a little ritual within the starting-the-day routine, especially the part when he throws half of the comforter over my way, we both take a hold of it, and then together we lift it and put it in place before adjusting it to be just so. It's like that little bit of teamwork puts a little point on our connection in the morning.

I also think I like making the bed because having the bed made the way I like it is one of the few things in life that's reliably controllable. The world may be going to hell, but our bed is this little zone where we put things the way we want them to be, and they stay.

Visited both animal shelters in town today. I think I might start volunteering there this summer.

Feels so great to be home. I have 2.5 weeks of unfettered freedom.

PersonalLearninghttps://peterattiamd.com/jasonfung/Jason Fung, M.D.: Fasting as a potent antidote to obesity, insulin resistance, type 2 diabetes, and the many symptoms of metabolic illness
"We think of all these responses, obesity, insulin resistance, and the beta cell failure, as pathologic. They're actually protective. . .Your body is actually trying to protect itself against the root cause of the problem which is too much insulin, too much glucose." — Jason Fung
In this episode, Jason Fung, nephrologist and best-selling author, shares his experiences utilizing an individualized approach to fasting to successfully treat thousands of overweight, metabolically ill, and diabetic patients, and why being a doctor who specializes in kidney disease gives him a unique insight into early indications of metabolic disease. We also have a great discussion on insulin resistance where Jason makes the case that we should actually think of hyperinsulinemia as the underlying problem. We also discuss the difference between time-restricted feeding, intermittent fasting, and dietary restriction (e.g., low-carb) and how they can be used to attack the root cause of T2D, metabolic syndrome, and obesity. We also have a fascinating discussion about the limitations of evidence-based medicine which leads to a conversation where we compare and contrast the scientific disciplines of medicine and biology to theoretical physics.

Volunteering in an animal shelter sounds like a wonderful thing to do. No doubt it will involve some heartbreak, but it will also involve making animals' lives better. I am pretty well addicted to watching animal rescue videos. I like Hope for Paws the best and have started making a small monthly donation. They do amazing work saving dogs and cats from the streets of Los Angeles and beyond, and they make great videos out of it.

Thanks for the words about my hubby and me. We are blessed. We've only been together for a few years though, so it's not the same as when couples are together for 30, 50 or more years. I hope to always appreciate him the way I do now.

Wb! I see you really gained a lot of weight there! Good for you! (Trying not to be envious ).

Did you have a nice time? They're opening up a wolf’s lodge here in Phoenix and wondering if it might be a fun staycation. What do you think of dr fung? My nutritionist said a 12-14 hr daily fast is beneficial but ppl of course had to take it to extremes. Now i dont know what to think. In inclined to think it’s fine in moderation like everything else.

Yes liveitup, I'm feeling better! Riding the roller coaster that is life.

Linda, I guess I didn't gain much on the trip! I just was eating pretty much ONLY junk food, but perhaps it wasn't as much as I thought, plus I was exercising a ton. I definitely have loved Great Wolf Lodge for our family, but I think your girls might be about too old for it. This was our 4th visit, and maybe our last (it is also crazy expensive). When they were 10 and 7 was the "perfect" age for both. They could do all the slides, loved the wand challenges, rope course, etc. This time Challenger13 focused mostly on the wand challenges (he got 2nd for the entire YEAR in points and was first in all categories for the month - yep that's my Challenger) and everything was still amazing for Creator10. If we go again Challenger will definitely be too old to maximize fun. But this trip was my favorite in that it was the EASIEST for me!!! I wasn't worried about anyone drowning or getting lost or stolen. I was quite relaxed, and since I wasn't drinking, I had a lot of energy to run up and down the stairs and do the rope course as long as Creator wanted, and go on as many slides that the kids picked. Come to think of it, I never once stayed for more than about 5 minutes in one of the poolside chairs! I was as active as the kids! No wonder I didn't gain weight, lol.

Oh, and you asked about Fung. I think fasting is a powerful nutritional therapy that is an excellent choice for treating type II diabetes. I also would personally give it a go for cognitive decline and possibly try it out for an autoimmune disease. As far as for general improved health purposes or weight loss, I don't do it because I get too hungry. LOL, that is a little wimpy sounding. My husband has been doing it off and on for months, and he seems fine. But I like to eat throughout the day (just no snacks, I guess). Perhaps someday I'll be motivated to try quarterly or annual fasts, but I just don't feel it right now. And just like it took many years to even starting eating healthier, I've definitely learned there's no point in forcing it. My interest in it is for learning about treatment of severe diabetics, which is what Fung's practice focuses on. He works with really sick people that need radical intervention before they end up getting an amputation or something catastrophic like that. He finds that they can stick with "when" they eat a lot easier than "what" to eat and that's why he promotes fasting. He'd be just as happy if they could stick with low fat, low calorie, ketogenic, or low carb. It's just that fasting works easier and faster for his patients.

LOL, I guess I do a "12 hour" fast. Haha, that just means I don't eat during the night haha!

Saturday, June 29

S Day! S Days right after vacation are a bit funny-feeling, but hey - I'll take it.

121.6

Eating
B: coffee w/milk + brain octane oil + beef bone broth
Supplement Update - yes, I'm on a broth kick because I was reading about how glycine in broth can help improve gut microbe populations. My Viome results recommended it (along with a bunch of other obvious things) and I thought I'd give it a try. Liking it! I ordered 18 more boxes from Kettle and Fire company.
Supplement Update 2 - if anyone is wondering about the brain octane oil, that is just MCT oil. I have been adding it to my coffee since I quit drinking and was experiencing terrible grogginess that first month. It really seems to help - and the science makes sense to me about how it can deliver quick energy to my poor alcohol-deranged and consequently energy-starved neurons. Might be just a temporary thing for the summer, but I'm liking it for now. Oh, and now I'm really rambling, but I also have read some clinical trials on mice (yes, mice) where MCT oils were able to improve kidney function in kidney damaged mice! And since I was diagnosed with mild kidney disease (about 18 months ago), I thought the MCT oil is worth a try. I have an appt next month with my nephrologist, and I'm hoping that quitting alcohol and maybe this MCT oil has improved my kidney function. Also, the improved diet overall may be helping over the course of the year since my prediabetes has corrected itself.
L: 2 chicken tacos (leftovers from last night), another cup of coffee w/milk, an apple
dessert 1: 2 Reese's peanut butter cups
D: fish & thai-seasoned veggies
dessert: ice cream & 2 peanut butter cookies

Moving
Cleaned almost all day! Also walk/jog w/HappyHerder after dinner

Oh for sure. I know all about dr fung. Was obsessed with everything fasting for almost 2 yrs. was just wondering if you thought the science was legit. My friend whose a trauma surgeon read the obesity code and said some stuff was a bit iffy. I think the problem is that although it may “work” for awhile, for many ppl its not sustainable and the weight just comes back like any other diet. Glad your hubby is enjoying it though. I know i loved it for awhile or at least i was good at convincing myself that i did.

Oh, Linda - I'm sorry that I came off sounding like I don't remember you are an expert on fasting! I do! I just was giving a broad answer, since we always have other friends involved in our discussion.

OK, I will be more specific. I believe that the type of fasting that Dr. Fung has his extremely diabetic patients do is excellent for them. I think it saves lives and increases quality of living for many of them. Because they are insulin resistant, fasting is the quickest way to improve their insulin sensitivity and start their body on the healing path.

Other methods have been shown clinically to be effective at reversing type II diabetes; namely, bariatric surgery, the ketogenic diet or the DASH diet, but I think that whichever serious diet is undertaken, they will need medical supervision and support. Indeed, support in the form of meetings or counselors shows the greatest long-term success at any diet. As far as working to lower cravings and/or prevent binges, I think that low-carb or ketogenic is probably a little more effective (and combining low-carb with fasting is most effective), and I am confident that high-carb, low-fat or low-protein diets are the worst at staving off cravings. And staving off cravings is critical: changing of our diet must address the psychological aspects of our emotional overeating as well as the metabolic machinery that we bring to the table. We are all different in both of those respects and there is every combination of brain & body chemistry out there.

So. Fasting. Excellent to reverse diabetes. I personally would combine it with low-carb if I had that diagnosis. As I mentioned in the previous post, I've also seen some decent evidence that fasting or ketogenic diets are useful for improvement of cognitive function for those suffering from mild cognitive impairment.

Fasting for people that are overweight but otherwise healthy? Not so sure it would be as effective. By definition, type II diabetics are insulin resistant. Only about 60% of overweight (but not diabetic) people are insulin resistant. The strategy doesn't seem as sensible to me in those cases, (although as you know, I'm always recommending people test their blood sugar and ideally get an insulin resistance test). Especially when the general population is attempting to undertake something without the long-term support and encouragement that is needed to pull off such a significant lifestyle change. They don't have the terror of dying hanging over their head (like the severe type II diabetic) to keep them motivated. And whether someone is type II diabetic or just a little overweight, as soon as we allow ourselves a little bit of a trigger food - boom, our chemistry of metabolism and brain function is wild upon that dopamine-seeking trail. It is like an alcoholic when they've allowed themselves "just one drink" on a special occasion. We've all seen what happens after that - a return to the alcoholic behaviors. Just like we've all seen how people are successful on a diet and then return to their old overeating habits. In the alcoholic circles, I saw a guy post "It's not stopping that's hard. It's staying stopped". This could easily fit the situation that type II diabetics or overweight people face.

That said, quitting overeating is harder than quitting alcohol is my thought at this point...... with alcohol, we can just stop all of it (even if the staying stopped is still horrifically challenging). With food, we must ALWAYS find a way to moderate. We can't just give it up forever. And therefore, we must constantly expose ourselves to potentially triggering foods and put ourselves in tempting situations whether we want to or not.

Naturally thin people are the ones that often go into dietetics and nutrition. Then they give advice for us to just watch our portions, but still have small amounts of all our trigger foods. Harumph. That's like "normal" drinkers telling someone with an alcohol problem - "just stop after one glass and you won't have a problem". Double harumph.

Once last thought on the science for Fung - he is not at all a clinical researcher. He just came up with this theory (you know the one about our body being like an overstuffed suitcase filled with glucose), and he literally tests it everyday in his clinic. All of his books are basically just him describing his ideas. Compare that with Stephen Phinney (https://blog.virtahealth.com/) - he is all research and really only brought his research to diabetics because he believed the science of what he did in the lab. For that reason, I tend to be more interested in the hard science coming out about "well-formulated ketogenic diets" from groups like his. Not iffy science at all. Powerful science. LOL, but I still would only do ketogenic if I had the type II diabetes diagnosis.

PersonalLearning
I don't often list the non-academic type books I read, but this one is just great -
"A girl and 5 brave horses" - true story, takes place in the 20's and early 30's. They made it into a movie that you may have seen "Wild Hearts Can't be Broken" but of course the book is better.

Thanks for the feedback. I just worry about sustainable and long term effects. I do like fung’s “do what works” attitude but appreciate more research based theories. Also forget to thank you for the feedback on the wolf’s lodge. Pretty cool about challenger. He must have gotten your athletic abilities.

Hi Linda - long-term and sustainable doesn't seem to fit with any diet, does it? Extremely frustrating. NoS is the closest most of us have ever come to finding that path, but even NoS is really tricky. I do love how adaptable NoS is. It really can embrace so many different food practices. It's a big tent!

Oh, nevermind. You already answered that above! Interesting, I might have to try it out. Although, I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum and am basically all carbs all day. The only time I can feel a crash are when I eat nearly any amount of refined sugar or I have more than two drinks.

So true. I guess there are a few people out there who can stick to some diets for the long term, but I do not appear to be one of them. I read the books and the testimonials about how it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle! And I'm super motivated! But then a year or so, I get tired of it all.

It's why I've eased up on the "only one plate" NoS rule at meals. That was good for me to understand how much food I'm actually eating, but after about 8 or 9 months I started feeling rebellious about it. Seemed better to do some flexible virtual plating than give up entirely. I no longer want to balance my dessert 10 grapes and slice of cheese on the same plate as my lunch salads. And at least for now, I feel like I have a handle on what's reasonable vs what's fooling myself.

When I start feeling like I want to snack, though, I try to remind myself that there are whole societies who have traditionally not snacked for generations, and that perma-grazing is a recent (and unpleasant) phenomenon. So far that helps.

Liveitup - thanks for the No Alcohol encouragement! I am Day 64! The brain octane oil seemed to be particularly helpful during weeks 2-4 of quitting alcohol. I gave it up during week 5 and brought it back a few weeks later because the grogginess had returned so much. But I'm feeling energetic now again (yesterday being an exception, ugh); how much of it is the MCT oil and how much is random I'm just not sure. As far as the potential help it could provide to repair my kidney damage, I think it's worth a try - kidney check up in a few weeks.

Sharon - I think I started ignoring the "strict" one plate rule years ago, lol. In fact, I even kind of ignore the "all at one sitting" because when I am at work, I might only have time for a few bites of yogurt before I start teaching, and then have a few bites more during transition between lecture and lab, and then finish eating at 2:30 after lab wraps up. And I never consider that a fail, since it was my "planned" lunch. I'm a little more formal about sitting down, using just one plate, etc., at dinner, but not with stuff like salad. And apple slices are always on a separate plate, etc. I am very strict about No Sweets and No Snacks on N Days.

I have my "2nd interview" at the Humane Society today so that I can be a dog walker. Got my volunteer shirt and everything. Since quitting alcohol, I have more time. Since quitting alcohol, I have gotten more in touch with the deeper desires of my heart. Animals are one of those things.

Being a dog walker for the Humane Society - that’s wonderful! My heart is bursting! You have done so well, Auto. Day 64. Fantastic. interesting that since quitting alcohol you’ve found you have more time, and are in touch with your true desires in life. This must be incredibly motivating. A true adventure!

That's helpful to know about your modifications, Auto. I need to balance not being rigid about only one serving and taking seconds to the point of stuffing myself. I took a second helping when we were out to dinner last night and ended up somewhat beyond pleasantly full. Still a work in progress I guess.

I agree about the all at one sitting part. I occasionally have my lunch in two separate sittings when work gets in the way. Not my choice, I'd really rather sit down and relax and focus on my meal the way my friends in Europe do for lunch, but that doesn't happen every day.

Congrats on 64 days without alcohol! That's such an awesome achievement. Hope you can keep feeling energetic.

Eating
B: coffee w/milk + brain octane oil
L: yogurt w/berries
another cup coffee w/milk
D: neighborhood potluck food. I consider tonight an S event, but I'd like to avoid going hog-wild. Update - I had BBQ pork, some chips w/a great avocado salsa, some veggies marinated in vinegar dressing, and some gluten-free tres leche. Then I came home for a break and ate an entire See's chocolate bar. That was somewhat strange of me. I felt .... empty and wanting something to fill the void, and decided to go ahead and indulge that desire since it is an S day. I also wonder if seeing everyone drinking so much alcohol around me was making me crave...something to fill that yawning emptiness. So not good to use sugar as a substitute for alcohol, but better than using alcohol...
Ugh, then I had another candy bar, some Doritos, and another piece of Tres Leche. I was grazing on cherries a lot too.
I think I had three diet sprites today

Moving
A great walk/jog w/HappyHerder. I think we were out there about 90 minutes. We were both in high spirits today!

PersonalLearning
A great DietDoctor video by a very gentle doctor - https://www.dietdoctor.com/video/presen ... ver-unwins
Dr. David Unwin has reached immense success resolving patients’ health issues by drawing on his wife, Dr. Jen Unwin’s, knowledge in health psychology. In this presentation from Low Carb Denver 2019, they explain how physicians can finetune the art of practicing medicine with strategies from psychology to help their patients reach their goals.

At the end they discuss the idea of moderation and how it just doesn't work for people with an addiction. This seems to be my theme for 2019 - whether it means that I realized that I simply can't moderate alcohol the way I'd like to, or whether it has me contemplating the similar brain patterns that sugar/carb addiction has with alcohol. It's like I'm finally seeing why advice to simply use portion control for highly palatable food items is not going to work with a great percentage (70% maybe?) of people. It took reading about addiction psychology to open my eyes. And then I get a bit angry thinking about the way snack food products are designed by experts in addiction psychology.... but not to help us avoid overeating, that's for sure!

That's helpful to know about your modifications, Auto. I need to balance not being rigid about only one serving and taking seconds to the point of stuffing myself. I took a second helping when we were out to dinner last night and ended up somewhat beyond pleasantly full. Still a work in progress I guess.

I agree about the all at one sitting part. I occasionally have my lunch in two separate sittings when work gets in the way. Not my choice, I'd really rather sit down and relax and focus on my meal the way my friends in Europe do for lunch, but that doesn't happen every day.

Congrats on 64 days without alcohol! That's such an awesome achievement. Hope you can keep feeling energetic.

What I find happening is that I sometimes overserve myself for the one helping, and end up putting food back to avoid becoming overfull. Of course, this only works at home, or if I get a "doggie bag" when I eat out. I haven't had to have a "two sitting" lunch or dinner yet, but I totally think that's a completely reasonable thing to do when time is an issue. I still think it helps to *see* everything on the plate all at once when you first start, even if two sittings happens. That's one thing in the No-S book that really stuck with me -- seeing all the food I'm eating makes an impression. "Hey, that's a lot of food, I ought to be happy with that much food and then nothing until the next meal".

Yes, seeing it all at once is very helpful. It was so easy in the past to take a small initial portion, then a second similar portion, and then pick a little, and fool myself into thinking I hadn’t eaten much.

After a year I think I have a better idea of what a reasonable portion is, and the difference between feeling no longer hungry versus stuffed full. I don’t actually like being stuffed anymore.

I plan to reassess if relaxing rules causes me to start gaining weight again. It’s a balance between following the plan and making sure I can live with something truly as a lifestyle in the long term as opposed to a diet. If every time I sit down to the table I start obsessing about what will fit on my plate, that’s not too much better than obsessing about foods I can or can’t have, or counting calories or points. My ultimate goal is to have a good, healthy relationship with food.

Sharon, that's neat how you can notice when you are feeling too restricted and can respond to that in a way that keeps you in this for the long game!

Friday, July 5!

Eating
B: coffee w/milk + brain octane oil, some of Creator's yogurt smoothie (same stuff that I have for lunch, I just make the kids theirs in a smoothie)
L: yogurt w/berries, apple slices
coffee w/milk in the afternoon
1 diet sprite
D: one pancake and a cheeseburger w/guacamole
1 diet root beer

hungry and restless and tired today

got a little cleaning done and then settled into realizing I just feel weird today. That's OK. I've been doing a lot of reading, some for fun and some more serious.

Yes, seeing it all at once is very helpful. It was so easy in the past to take a small initial portion, then a second similar portion, and then pick a little, and fool myself into thinking I hadn’t eaten much.
{snip}

Yep. All the time.

Auto, some days we just feel weird. It just happens. Way to stick with everything.

Thanks Candace. You're right - everybody feels weird some days. I guess we just need to ride the wave of human experience....

Saturday, July 6

123.2

I woke up happy this morning that last night I didn't have ice cream. I was SOOOOOO close to having some because what I was really craving was wine. This was the first time since I quit (67 days ago!) that I didn't allow myself to have sugar when dealing with a significant craving. I just don't want to go down that road and end up a sugar addict instead of an alcohol addict. No thanks! Anyway, so I had to just sit with the craving. Eventually it passed. I read in the tub for about an hour. Definitely my worst cravings come when I am a combination of TIRED + BORED. Because during those moments, I don't feel like running, doing errands, cleaning, or even reading. Using some suggestions for my Coach.me app, I have added a few ideas to my toolbox for the next time I have this type of craving (so that I don't have ice cream!):
*color by numbers (I just ordered a book off Amazon for this)
*face mask and foot bath/pedicure
*puzzle (I have a couple right now to choose from)
*board game/card game with kids or husband
*restorative yoga poses (I need to look up a few of these to be prepared to try out)

Moving
Walked 4 dogs at the Humane Society and maybe go on a walk/jog w/HappyHerder. I had a fantastic time and I pick the hyper dogs and take them each on 20 min jogs. Great workout!
I'm also a little sad because I responded to a craigslist ad for an 8 month old female Aussie - they said she's good with cats and dogs. She sounded like such a sweetheart and it just kind of felt "right" for our second dog. But they never responded to me and today the ad is already removed. Pups like that don't last long in my area - we are "too" good at spaying and neutering our pets, lol. There just aren't a lot of dogs available. It also drives up the cost for buying puppies. If I were to buy a Golden Retriever, they are asking $2500. A pug? $3000. An Aussie? $1500. So I can either pay through the nose to buy a well-socialized puppy, or hope that maybe, just maybe, I will find a dog at the Humane Society that doesn't have serious social issues. I'm grieving a bit for a pup that I never even saw..... strange. But once again, I woke up human.

Auto-Sorry about the Aussie pup..but so good that you surround yourself with puppy love at the Humane Society. I love hearing about all the things that you do to stay on course with healthy eating and (no) drinking. There was an article in the news today about parents hiring coaches for their kids specifically in order to reduce their kids’ screen time. That is, some parents feel that they need help taking the smartphone away from their kids. The number one suggestion from the parent coaches: get a family dog!

Sorry about the doggie. I can just bet you were already imagining how the new addition would fit into the family. It's totally understandable to feel sad about the way it turned out. But maybe you'll find a good fit at the Humane Society. Do most of the dogs there really have issues? We will probably get a dog sometime in the future, though probably years down the line, and we figured to go that route. As you may know, Americans aren't half as responsible as a country as you are with unwanted dogs.

I also admire the way you are so prepared with coping strategies when you're avoiding sugar cravings. Beauty treatments sound like a good distraction . There are so many DIY beauty treatments out there -- hair curling without heat, nail treatments, etc. And obviously it's more serious for you because you're protecting your success staying away from the original addiction. Hats off to you for your amazing progress!!

Also, knowing the emotional triggers is so important! You wrote that for you it's being tired and bored. For me it's frustration (the worst) or anxiety (a close second). Being tired reduces resistance for me when those other two emotions happen.

Hi Candace! Today I am going to meet a 1 year old border collie so we'll see how that goes....!
Yes, most of the shelter dogs do have issues in my area (Washington State). Most things I can work on, but it's tough if they have become excessively shy or fear aggressive, leash reactive, etc. Where are you at? For some reason I thought you were in the United States.
Update - visited Border Collie. LOVED her. Almost instantly knew she was a great fit. But THEN they said they wanted $700-$800 for her! What the?! I thought it would be like $100 when it's called a "rehoming" fee. Sigh.

Hi Candace! Today I am going to meet a 1 year old border collie so we'll see how that goes....!
Yes, most of the shelter dogs do have issues in my area (Washington State). Most things I can work on, but it's tough if they have become excessively shy or fear aggressive, leash reactive, etc. Where are you at? For some reason I thought you were in the United States.
Update - visited Border Collie. LOVED her. Almost instantly knew she was a great fit. But THEN they said they wanted $700-$800 for her! What the?! I thought it would be like $100 when it's called a "rehoming" fee. Sigh.
{snip}

I am in Virginia. Somehow I thought *you* were in Australia, so sorry for the confusion.

Wow, that's an expensive dog unless it's coming from a higher end breeder. "Rehoming" must be a fancy process indeed. I wonder if they call it that to avoid regulations about selling animals for profit, or what kind of regulations they'd have to conform to it they called it the price for the dog? Just guessing. I like to watch rescue videos by a group in California (Hope For Paws, Los Angeles area) and it seems like they pull many dogs off the streets who just need some decompression first. They could be oversimplifying the videos though.

You've probably thought of all this, but have you tried rescues where the dogs are fostered in homes for a while before adopting? In any case, best of luck on your quest for a good companion whose price won't leave both of you eating dog food.

Thanks Linda - I always imagine your adorable pups - the big one and the little one - cuddled together.

Soprano - I have such a thing for the herding breeds, it's ridiculous. I keep thinking I'll try other breeds and mixes, but my heart belongs with the herders. That intensity, that attunement, it just calls to me. A dear friend says my intensity matches their intensity and that's why I love them so.

Candace - Australia! I would love the warmth and not be so sure about all the killer things, from sharks to spiders to giant crocs. You probably thought I was from Australia because I'm so cool. I think cedar is from Australia. And ironchef (who hasn't been active lately, but you should look up her thread - she's amazing). And I LOVE Virginia! My husband and I lived in NC for 5 years; indeed, that's where we got our first rescue herding dog! They are a LOT easier to come by over there, or at least they were in the early 2000's. Yeah, I'm very familiar with the rescue groups. Their fees are usually about $300 - $500. And in my area, yes, they are usually glossing over the issues of the animals. If I didn't have kids or live in a crowded neighborhood with kids everywhere, I'd love taking on a project dog. And the puppies are usually large mix breed, which is fantastic generally, but our house is small and hubby doesn't want a big lab sized dog. What the groups in my area do now is ship the dogs up from Texas and California, but they require you to adopt the dog sight-unseen. That makes me just a little nervous at this point.
Oh, and a high-end breeder for border collies here would be $2000. You can get one for less than that, but not the ones that health test the parents, etc.
LOL, can you tell this is a topic of particular interest for me? But at the moment I am really enjoying volunteering at the Humane Society to jog the hyper dogs that otherwise might not calm down long enough to show their sweet selves to potential adopters.

PersonalLearning
Finally finished "Free". Not nearly as good as "Real". Next in the series is "Ease", which tries to apply The 3 Principles to work situations.
Now reading "Avoidant" - all about attachment styles in relationships

Moving
very little. I did finally walk HappyHerder a couple times around the block. I don't want to get into it too much (still feeling highly emotional), but it was a hard day. Didn't sleep much last night, cried a lot today, and now I have that good but tired feeling - ready to go to bed early. I think I'll try to find a good book for my kindle to hopefully lose myself in.

Yep Linda - Sexy also hasn't been drinking for a few weeks. He's been sampling a variety of non-alcoholic beers. Oh and you didn't miss my post - I think your reply came in before I had updated my entry for the day.

Lemonie - thanks for noticing that self-care! I was asleep by 7:30pm!!! I woke up during the night and had a little trouble going back to sleep, but overall got lots of good rest.

Cedar and Candace - thank you both for caring. HappyHerder definitely was in tune with my sadness. I tried not to let the kiddos know too much what was going on with me, but Creator did ask and was honest. I always have difficulty with the balance of sharing honestly with our kids so that they learn it's OK to express emotions, and yet I don't want to burden them either.

Friday, July 12

121.6

Today I start my CNA class! I'm doing it for professional development for my job. It lasts for a month, so I'll be busy. My hope is that I can improve the relevance for my pre-nursing students by bringing in what I learn. My knowledge is so book-based; I really have no practical life skills. So this is a first stab at learning to do something with my hands and my heart instead of with my head. Wish me luck! I'm most nervous about the clinical hours, because that is where I will be most out of my comfort zone .... touching people!

Eating
B: coffee w/milk
latte in the car on the way to class!
L: yogurt w/berries
diet coke - 2 of them
D: S Event - taking kids to see Toy Story and I sort of need popcorn at the movies......and I also got Reese's pieces

Hi Lemonie - yeah I suppose I could have just called the popcorn dinner. But I also got Reese's pieces. I do still consider it all dinner, I guess. But an S event for me because I normally try to avoid foods that spike my blood sugar. I haven't been measuring lately; I do kind of wonder what that meal made it go up to.

Candace - the movie was really good! I was a little surprised that I liked it so much; it's the 4th one after all. I guess Toys that come to life is a nostalgia I don't get tired of.

Lemonie - I actually put my comment about the popcorn as dinner above. Since I had the Reese's pieces, it definitely turned into an S event. I kind of knew I'd get candy too - we go very rarely and Creator and I like to live it up when we are there. But I paid for it - work up at 3am nauseated and anxious. And I thought that only happened when I'd had too much to drink!

Moving
Ugh. I still feel like a slug. Yesterday I did go on a couple of walks around the block with the dog. This morning though - I notice that I didn't log that as "moving". Shows how negative I'm feeling. I actually did get out; I just wasn't moving very fast and didn't go too far. We'll see for today. I'd like to walk dogs at the humane society but this low energy (mind and body) are dragging me down a bit.

I had hoped that no alcohol would fix this part of me, but I still suffer from down moods from time to time. I'm not motivated enough to look over my thread, but I wonder what the rhythm of my moods are - or if there is a pattern, etc.. This thread would probably reflect my energy levels & mood very well, since I enter every day. Gasp! Am I a Downer Debbie!? Heaven forbid!

Moving
Jogged stella (shepherd lab mix), ella (foxhound), millie (cattle dog mix), and cayde (border collie mix). I like to get the hyper ones out for a jog!
Also went alone to the climbing gym. I wonder if Creator is losing interest, or if he just preferred to play outside on such a gorgeous day.

I have a building desire to have my eating routined and planned again.

124.8 - I ate a lot this weekend, yes, but I also ran a lot yesterday and I've noticed sometimes I sort of swell up after a lot of exercise. More water retention. We'll see if that number settles down over the week.

Creator had another anxiety attack last night. I was angry at myself; I really think it's because I let him watch too many scary things on YouTube. And we don't regulate his internet usage much; who knows what kind of awful things he has looked at. I was so upset I wasn't able to support him much; Sexy stood in for me to provide calm empathy to Creator. I just wanted to hurl all the computers in the house out the window. I feel calmer this morning and able to consider options moving forward.

Thanks Candace.
He's had a rough day; we had to pick him early from his golf camp. I think tonight I need to get him set up in our room and I'm going to do a guided meditation with him before bed. He likes them, actually.

Im so sorry about Creator. I feel like you’ve a really good job limiting your kids screen time so don’t beat yourself up too much. Can you put some parental controls in place or something ? It’s so heartbreaking when our kids go through these things. Sweatpea is a very anxious person and it makes me feel helpless at times. Anyway, i hope creator is feeling better soon.

Thanks Linda. Interesting that Sweetpea, your naturally considerate one, is the more anxious of your two. That's the same with mine. Maybe instinctive empathy opens them up to more fears....?
I was the same way as a child, but I had NO ONE to go to when I had those attacks.

CNA stands for Certified Nursing Assistant. It's a 4 week class (1 week of which is clinical work in a nursing home), followed by a state written and skills exam. There are 22 care skills that must be learned. Most CNAs work in nursing homes, but they can work in hospitals as well. My students get their CNA license (and work with it for at least 250 hours) on their path to getting into the nursing program. So, crazy gal that I am, decided to take the class as professional development. I'm actually enjoying most of it - I was looking forward to learning some practical hands-on skills plus I am getting ideas every class about how to bring this content into my A&P and micro classes.

Thursday, July 18

123.0

Eating
B: coffee w/milk, latte on the way to class - can you tell I'm giving myself this little reward while I take this class?
L: yogurt w/berries!
D: (will be) no idea. This has been a problem this summer.....menu planning is truly the #1 key to happy eating for me. Update - 3 pieces of pizza leftover from Tuesday night.

One funny thing I know my No-S friends will relate to - all of us students are learning these skills, and each one requires a volunteer. Well, along comes the "Weighing a Patient" skill and guess who volunteered! Yep, me, the oldest one in the class. And most of those girls are little twigs in their late teens or early 20's. I was kind of proud of myself, with a giddy little shake to my booty on the scale (well, in my imagination anyway).

Eating
B: coffee w/milk
L: yogurt w/berries, 2 apple slices, 1 more cup of coffee w/milk
D: hamburger w/cheese, guacamole, bacon, onion, tomato, pickles. That would have been perfect, but then I had to add on to my meal tortilla chips w/ more of that artichoke dip. That has been some sort of trigger combo for me this week.

Moving
walk/jog Millie and Dolly (two dogs at the Humane Society) - No class today so this is an option but I also have a very long to-do list filled with boring things like "take lawn mower to get a tune up". Who knew you had to change the oil in a lawn mower? Oops.....

I'm looking at this list and realizing I definitely can't do everything on this today. I need to pare it down and move some things to the rest of the weekend.

PersonalLearning
I'm working on 5 different books right now - 2 of which are fun fiction. Can't remember which of the others I've mentioned yet:
Embracing the Now, by Gina Lakes
Avoidant: How to love (or leave) a dismissive partner (this is a follow-up book based on Attached, which I haven't quite finished yet), by Jeb Kinnison
It's not always depression by Hilary Jacobs Hendel

Readingwiththeboys!
Believe it or not, Creator and I are now 12 chapters into the massive Harry Potter #5. We've experienced a resurgence in our reading together. It had been so long that I had trouble finding my rhythm, but I've got it now. And I do a super-sweet Professor Umbridge.
We found some ants in the pantry so even Challenger joined us for reading last night, and he slept on the floor in our room!!!! He's 13, so this was a shock and a pleasant delight. As mentioned previously, I love it when our whole family sleeps in one room!

I'm really glad I just came on here to log a few more things; I saw my plan to have milk and broth this afternoon. Perfect timing to read that, since I was contemplating having an ice cream cone. Emotions have been buffeting me, and without fail I think of eating when this happens.

Emotional upheaval in brief:
1. Reading "It's not always depression" and this book is life-changing for me. So amazing. So I'm trying to put some of these things into practice and it is making me vulnerable. Very vulnerable.
2. Giddy victory last night. Giddy for me is feeling JOY and EXCITEMENT at the same time. It occurred because I had another little break-through with Creator during a fit he had last night (he was angry and hurt by Challenger bullying him). My connection with him gave me a high, but the cherry on top special part was that I was able to connect with Challenger and share my love (and feel him accept it, that's not always the case) despite needing to tell him that he can't treat Creator in a certain way. I breathed through the complicated emotions that began with hopelessness, despair, frustration, feeling incompetent and a bad parent, feeling sad because they don't get along, angry that I can't control them, feeling there is no solution. And then to persevere through and be there for both of them. This is what I am alcohol-free for. So that I can truly live and connect with my family, even when things suck and they hate each other. We all came out the other side with tools for the future and closeness for today.
3. Been working with some painful childhood memories and trying to process emotions. One in particular was when I was 3 or 4 years old, waking up in an empty dark church late at night. My parents had accidentally left me there. Luckily, I found the pastor and he drove me home. Strangely, I see this memory clearly, and I can even sort of remember a few of my feelings, but otherwise can't seem to "feel" anything when I reflect on it. This seems to me an indication that I disconnected emotionally in order to get through it. And most definitely there weren't any hugs or empathy for my experience when I got home. Buck up, mate, you're fine.
4. So, today, I called my oldest sister to ask her about her memory of this situation (btw she said it actually happened on more than one occasion!) and it ended up with her asking me to give her fair warning if I'm going to bring anything up with our parents this upcoming weekend (we will both be visiting them from out of town). I don't know how to explain the complex emotions this brought up. So.... awful. I think these feelings were from a part of me that is very very young. I felt so angry that she wanted to block me from expressing myself; sadness that I can't be truly connected with my family members; grief that I am not accepted for who I am; fear of rejection that if I bring up things with anyone that is not OK with family members; anger that no one thinks I can handle social situations appropriately; and then.... shame that stems from feeling the family thinking I am the complainer, the ungrateful one, the one that doesn't realize how good I actually had it as a kid. I am having to come to terms with not truly being able to process my childhood with my siblings the way I'd love to. I love my family - my parents and my 3 siblings - and I wish - oh, how I wish - that they could see that processing emotions from childhood experiences doesn't negate the special things about growing up in my family. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful for the care I was given, nor does it mean that I want to constantly complain or blame my parents. I'm just trying to grow as a person, and my primary motivation is to show love to my own children in a way that they can feel it and receive it so that we all can grow more capable of connecting with people throughout our lives. That is what life is about.

Thank you Candace. I feel better after writing it out (always important for me). I also called a friend that I knew would validate my feelings. And I'm seeing my counselor tomorrow and definitely will be working through this "sister" phone call!

Oh wow, being abandoned on more than one occasion and have actual feelings about that does not make you a complainer. It makes you a human being. I just relate to so much of what you wrote, it’s hard for me to express but we tend to normalize our childhoods because one that’s all we knew so it seemed normal and two we love our parents and don’t want to feel we are betraying them somehow.

I think I’ve talked about my childhood a bit and you probably know it was pretty rough at times. I really didn’t realize how inappropriate some of the stuff I went through was till I started talking about it with therapists and friends. But it doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the good parts of my childhood or that I love my parents any less. It is important to work through that however for your own ability to grow and get unstuck.

It sounds like your family feels too threatened by the honesty of your feelings to deal with it. That’s so unfortunate but on them not a reflection of you. Families tend to have their little dysfunctional ways that they all agree not to call out. It’s very hard for others members to deal with one member no longer wanting to play this game. You can still work through it on your own through therapy & just learn to accept your families inability to do the same.

I also relate to your feelings with your children. When they fight I feel guilty that it’s my fault somehow and I also give too much weight to the whole thing and start to take it as a sign about them as ppl, and that they’ll never be friends later in life etc. well flash forward a few years and they have become really good friends. They still fight sometimes really intensely but not as often and it tends to blow over very quickly. So your kids fighting is so normal and doesn’t doom them to a lifetime of sibling fighting.

I’m so impressed with your courage to face these things head on and without numbing yourself. You’re just an awesome person and your boys are lucky to have such a great example as well as a parent who loves them so much.

Sorry for the novel and I hope I didn’t overstep here too much but I just really relate so much to what you’re going through. Hard stuff. Be kind to yourself and get support when feasible.

Thank you so much, Linda. I was so afraid to even look on my Daily Check-in thread when I got home today because I became overwhelmed with shame just thinking about what I had written and feared rejection by my NoS friends. Thank you for your compassion and validation. I'm pretty much bawling right now, but in that sort of good, cleansing kind of crying.

Sexy took the boys to see his parents for a couple of days and so I am home alone. As coincidence would have it, I have tomorrow off from my class. So I came home from class, did a lot of emotional work trying to connect my bodily sensations with feelings, watched "Room" (I just finished the book and if you need a way to let floodgates of tears come, oh my.....), predictably cried a lot, found the courage to look on my check-in even though I feared .... feared what? I guess rejection. It feels amazing to be able to just let loose with the tears and not worry that I have to be up anywhere or see anyone for awhile.

Oh I’m glad my response was okay. Ive teared up many a times over your kind words so I get it. It’s hard being vulnerable but worthwhile I think. How great that you’ve got a little time to yourself to work through some of the emotions and towards healing. A good cry can go a long way. You’re doing great.

I would just like to say that I am in awe of how you can identify and process your emotions and of your personal development journey as a whole. It is so beneficial to know yourself that well and so many (myself included) really struggle with that. Your courage and honesty are admirable and I’m sending big hugs and support your way!!

Thanks to you all for the acceptance and encouragement. Linda, I can't imagine you ever not being encouraging to someone going through a rough spot, actually. You always have the right words!

Soprano, thank you for saying that I have been supportive of others on this NoS forum. It's actually something about me that is at odds with the identity that my family has of me, so your affirmation there hits right in a great spot for me. Thank you!

And JJW, thank you! I'm actually using your comment for practicing accepting kind words, lol. I find myself immediately wanting to discount what you said, because I see only the broken bits about my emotional skills. That book I read, "It's not always depression" says that many of us have a very difficult time actually letting ourselves feel the good emotions come when someone says something kind! As a therapist, she has her clients sit with those good feelings (gratitude, pride of accomplishment, joy, confidence) and really get to know how their body feels during those emotions. She says that these kinds of feelings are awash in healing waves for our neural networks.

I think the reason therapy feels more effective this time (than the marriage counseling Sexy and I did last year) is that the counselor I have now (and that book he recommended) have gotten me out of my head and actually working to experience the feeling rather than just analyze the feeling. It's a really new experience for me, kind of overwhelming, and I feel like a bunch of my memories are lining up, saying "me next! me next!" to get a turn at going through the memory to sit with the feelings, rather than just analyze what happened.

OK, so here I am this morning:

Tuesday, July 23

122.2

I finally ordered a new blood glucose monitoring kit, and the numbers yesterday and this morning are not great, and I suspect it's how much I've let my eating habits slip, but it could be the stress of the emotional stuff. Time will tell.

Moving
Hmmmm. I'm not putting any pressure on myself. If all I end up doing is sitting outside in the sun, I'm going with that today. Maybe my energy will perk up today, but if not, I'm not forcing anything.

Hi Auto,
I’ve been off the boards for a little while, so missed your recent posts. I wish I’d popped by to say hi. So sorry you’ve had these painful experiences. Like the others who’ve commented here, I think you’re one of the most strongly supportive and sympathetic voices on the No S board! And I can totally relate to the cocktail of feelings you experienced after that interaction with your sister. You must have felt hurt and outraged on so many different levels. I often find that rage with my family (it’s rarely simple ‘annoyance’!) is followed by deep sadness, sometimes a feeling that if these relationships are broken then I can never be happy again...it really threatens our equilibrium to face up to how much our family members can/have hurt us. I sometimes feel I have to learn to deal with this over and over again. And somehow replace the threat of a real inner emotional breakdown with calm acceptance. Though I don’t always succeed!

The childhood trauma you mentioned - I don’t even want to write it out as it’s so dreadful - I just want to send sympathy for the little child this happened to. Hope it helped to have a good cry. (How we need a bit of alone time in order to cry! Postponing crying is a bad habit of mine...the time is never right!)

Octavia - thank you for saying such kind things. I feel very warm inside after your comments. Especially about how you said it was too dreadful to write what happened to me. When I had called my sister, she had said the whole family had not thought it was a big deal and that my mom had already gone to bed before I got home! Anyway, I'm probably seeing some family tomorrow and then a couple of weeks after that, too - and now I'm wondering if I'm in a mental state to cope appropriately with it all. Hmmm.

Cedar - thank you! Hugs gladly accepted.

Thursday, July 25

FBG: 102 (eeks, these numbers this week have NOT been good. I'm trying to do the "calm curious" observing, like I tell everyone to do with their weight, but yeah - having some emotional reactions to these numbers. I need to keep track for a couple weeks before I freak out too much, though)

122.6

Eating
B: coffee w/milk, latte before or after doc visit on way to class
L: yogurt w/berries
one diet soda
D: something Sexy is making - probably a chicken bacon broccoli type of dish, he likes to make stuff like that. Update - I had pulled pork and salad with an avocado dressing.
one diet soda and one decaf coffee w/milk

Moving
Not much going on in this category lately, that's for sure. I just want to finish this CNA class (2 more weeks to go) and then I'll think about exercise routines again. Sheesh, is that how MY students feel? This is tough stuff!

PersonalLearning
I am re-reading "It's Not Always Depression". Yes, that is how good this book is! I NEVER re-read books (well, except the ones I read separately to the boys, lol).

Your mother had already gone to bed? That’s extraordinary! I find this totally bewildering - to use a non-judgemental sort of word - and you must trust your own reactions. I for one think they are appropriate.

I can understand you being worried about how you’ll cope with seeing the family. Perhaps a motto/mantra would help - like ‘Dignity’ or something. That way you’re not denying your feelings in any way, but just keeping a check on your reactions and maintaining maximum self-respect. Stuff your handbag with comforts (like this book you’ve been reading, and maybe something silly and fun) and check in with us!

I'm with Octavia; I find this kind of thing tough to process. I'm sorry that happened to you, and I'm also sorry that they don't seem to realize there was a problem! Best of luck navigating the situation. You can only control what *you* do, though you already know that.