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Things No Man Should EVER Say To A Girl On Her Period

Periods. What is the actual point of them? Personally I would be happy with a monthly “congratulations you’re not pregnant” text. But since the universe has decided that we’d be better off riding the crimson wave every month (throwing some cramps and weight gain in for good measure) we reserve the right to be pissed off about it.

For one week of every month we will bitch, we will moan and we will elbow you in the face if you so much as whisper one of the following:

“Why You Acting Like A Bitch For?”

1. We have to deal with an unending crime scene in our pants on a monthly basis for the next 30+ years of our lives.

2. At the end of those years we get to celebrate the end of our periods with hot flushes, mood swings, old age and general dried-up-ness.

3. In the mean time we get to listen to men bitch about our periods like it’s a bigger inconvenience for them than it is for us.

Are they good enough reasons for you?!

“What’s The Big Deal?”

Imaging being kicked in the nuts, followed by a solid week of bleeding, EVERY MONTH. TILL THE END OF TIME (well, sort of). In fact how about we try it on you and then you can tell us what the big deal is?

“Weren’t You On A Diet?”

Well we either eat our feelings or we take them out on you. These are the only two options. Now either pass us the dough balls or experience our wrath.

“Are You Done Bleeding Yet?”

Well no… we fancied letting this one run for a few extra days, but if you’re not keen on the idea, we’ll just stick a cork in it.

“You Women Are Such Drama Queens”

Tread carefully. It’s saying things like that which help us get off with the temporary insanity plea. That’s not a threat, you should just be aware that being on our period genuinely makes us feel slightly murderous whilst also craving hot cocoa and cookies at the same time.

“Are You Not Going To Put On Real Clothes Today?”

If Tesco will allow me to buy Tampons in my onesie, then my onesie counts as socially acceptable attire and I will keep wearing it until further notice.

“I Might Give Tonight A Miss Then Babe…”

Oh really. Reeealllllllly. We mentioned that we’re on our period and suddenly you don’t want to see us anymore? Very original. Scumbag boyfriend of the month award goes toooooo… you.

“Why Are You Crying?”

Well, our ovaries feel like a fat person is sitting on them, the only knickers that will fit resemble something our grandmothers would wear and for the next 5 days we can’t sit anywhere without then getting up and checking for blood stains before walking off.

Heaven forbid we visit a friend and discover they have a white sofa. Let me ask you… have you ever tried to drink tea while squatting over a sofa that you’re PRETENDING to sit on, without making any actual butt-to-sofa contact? HAVE YOU?

“What’s Wrong Now?”

People keep asking us stupid questions and it’s making us want to smash things. That’s what.

“Are You Going To Be Like This Every Month?”

Yes. Unless you accidentally get us pregnant. In which case for 9 months we’ll be like this, but fatter.

So, if after our extensive list of things you can’t say, you’re thinking your only option is to avoid us for one week of the month, then you’re wrong.