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Dear Carolyn: Two years ago, my adult daughter was found to have multiple sclerosis. She is
optimistic and has taken part in fundraisers because she thinks she owes it to those who came
before her who did the same. We formed a team for an MS walk last year and invited our co-workers
and members of my extended family to donate, walk or both.

Unfortunately, my enthusiasm for the walk turned to hurt when her aunts and others we thought
were close did nothing. My daughter is the type who donates to and volunteers for everything.

For months, I could barely talk to my sisters and some co-workers because I was so hurt. I
shared my hurt with a co-worker, and she said she would donate but never did.

I didn’t care about the money; I wanted her there.

Another walk is coming, and I’m not sure how to proceed — swallow my pride and share my hurt or
just embrace the ones who show up?

— To Pout or Not To Pout?

Dear Pout: When has the answer to that (or any) question ever been “to pout”?

Besides, the first law of rallying people to your cause is to learn to embrace the
no.

You care deeply about issues that affect you, and it is a good thing you do. Now, extend that to
other people: They care deeply about issues that affect them, and it is a good thing they do. This
is how things get done.

When you choose to rally others to your issue, never forget that each person you approach has
his or her own deeply felt causes. Some of these people have room on their issue slate to add yours
to it, and, for these people, you thank the moon and stars.

Some, though, don’t have room on their slates — and, for these people, you don’t hurt, or pass
around blame, or curse cosmic failures to be “the type who donates to and volunteers for
everything.”

No, for these people, you also thank the moon and stars. Their focus on their own priorities —
even just “Get out of bed in the morning” — keeps a part of the world turning, even if it doesn’t
happen to be yours this time around. Trust that and be grateful for it. The idea of donating to and
volunteering for everything is lovely in theory but unrealistic.

The path with the most reliable rewards is to choose gratitude.

When you feel powerless against a harmful force, it is natural to try to make the world
compensate you with something good. But that is just as fruitless as telling MS to buzz off.

Consciously stop looking for absences on your donor lists, and celebrate those who appear. Be
your own source of something good.

To that end, when others present their causes to you, keep choosing gratitude by giving what and
when you’re able. It will be tempting to eye these campaigns as payback, but what is this ever
about except the people we love? So show love in your way, and trust others to do so in theirs.