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Life as it comes

This year has been the worst- although i had some great times in the year…overal, in comparison- its the worst.

I turned in my Nursing application (yay).

I was forced to meet death, and alot of emotions/thoughts came from that.

I met someone amazing and within a year I found utter heartbreak.

All of the sudden the pain that nursing school caused was NOTHING compared to loosing my Mom and the boy I thought was going to marry.

I see it very clearly- I can simply reapply to nursing school and get on with it.

I wont see my Mom again except in my dreams (which I seldom have now), and my life suddenly isnt whati thought it would be.

This post has been saved in my drafts for months and its February and I’m finally finishing it up.

On August 17th, 2017 @ 0105 my Mom exhaled for the last time.

She was surrounded by those that she loved most. She was able to see all of her siblings *who travelled from far away places*.

She left us peacefully and that gives me comfort.

She recognized me a day before and smiled- everytime I remember he face i tear up.

I miss her far so much words cannot describe.

August 25, 2017 my boyfriend proposed.

September 4, 2017 I was heartbroken.

November 9th I was single again.

December 15…decided to give it another try, but I’m not engaged and dont plan on it anytime soon.

I dont like having regrets and I was very depressed and lonely when I decided that I wanted him back. It wasn’t magical like I thought it would be….but were working on it with no strings attached. Theres broken trust that needs to be repair.

I’m not so worried about my relationship. If it works it works- #NuffSaid

I am worried abouy my well being. Sometimes I am so unstable. I freak out and cant breathe. I start hyperventilating….never had I gome through something like that.

I’m focusing on my family and friends. Im workimg hard to save $ and am patiently waiting to get back to school 🙂

I’d been sad almost everyday untill January where I decided thar I am the only one that can choose happiness. Thats when i decided to not worry abouy my relationship (as much as i did), I’m just doing the best I can with my family and ever since changing my attitude I am more optimistic about my future.

I turned in my nursing application this past Monday ( June 19th). I waited so long to jump back in that I’ll have to redo some classes but I am overall OK with it. Its not ideal but I can’t complain.

I was told that I start in 2- 3 semesters.

Now, its yet again another waiting game. This time I will win.

Life is funny –

My mother was admitted to the hospital on the 16th of June (shes out now). She has been having this intense pain on her abdomen (RUQ). I wont go into much detail because this blog is more Nursing related (Plus writing about it makes me very sensitive)
but this Blog post has been left unfinished for a while and the situation can be related to Nursing.

Today is 07/10/2017- and to simplify things, on July 3rd- my mother was told that she had about 3-6 months to live.

This situation has gotten me thinking about lots of things; one of those things is Nursing School. I am now, more than anything motivated to finish.

I have to admit that last year was NOT what I expected or had planned out. That’s life though and I am much better at going with the flow. I believe in my last post I said something about not posting until I have news with Nursing school. Well the news is that there is NO news.

Does this mean I have given up? No, it just means I didn’t sort out my priorities. I have this full time job and I let it consume me. I was so caught up with just working and doing the adult thing that I nearly forgot about my dreams. Keyword: NEARLY.

I went back to Gateway and will be applying for all of the nursing programs. I’m going to retake the HESI to get a more competitive score.

This year i will stay focused. If I’ve learned from my mistakes then this year will be good 🙂

Today is Wednesday- 1745- its hot and I’ve got a headache. It’s this nagging, non stop pulse like headache.

This past Monday I went to Community College. I got there approximately at 0945 to meet with an adviser and I talked to one around 1345. Yes, it was a very LONG wait, BUT highly effective. I only regretted not meeting with her earlier.

Its kind of funny how I only started working so I could save up for school, but I let my work delay the process of my applying.

I have to retake the HESI exam, because I sped through it thinking I was going to be tested on Chemistry and Biology. I was NOT tested on that material and I ended up finishing a whole hour early. I sped through math when I could have taken my time. I didn’t get the required score. I can only retake it after 60 days…

I hate that I messed up but I’m done beating myself up over it.
I also emailed the Nursing Director for permission to reenter and I gave me all of the syllabus from my nursing classes. I also attached my transcripts from ASU and I already spoke to the Nursing Director from ASU who will be writing my letter of why I am no longer at ASU.

Shes going to decide my fate (in regards to Nursing only…I’m dramatic, but not that dramatic)

I have to admit that I have been feeling somewhat humiliated, but this is what I want. I’m going to become a nurse one way or another.

I don’t know if I can start this semester (I hope I can), if I can’t start this semester I will have to begin again….or so I’ve been told.

I’m currently just sitting in my living room thinking of what I want in my future. The verb in all of this is sitting and thinking. I need to change that. It seems like I’ve said this everyday, but I’m going to get stuff done today!

I wont write again until I have an update on this nursing stuff or something abnormally interesting happens.

I’ve been reading old posts. I went from Class of 2015 to Class of 2016 to Class of Who the Hell knows. It’s a little funny now, and a little sad. Tomorrow is my day off from work, and I will go to the AZBN office and ask about that CNA test. My waiver got denied because I took the courses over 2 years ago. In the email it said pending ASU transcript, so I am confused as to why it says that since I sent it all at the same time. Anyhow, I’m going tomorrow and clearing this whole mess up. I don’t see why they should deny my waiver when I’ve been doing clinical rotations practically every semester. It’s not like I lost practice.
I shouldn’t be surprised though…everything has been going wrong (Nursing related).

I just have to keep pursuing it because It’s what I want. I went ahead and ordered the HESI A2 book so I can begin to study. I will pass that test with flying colors! I’m actually excited to study that book. I can’t believe I am saying this, but I miss studying.
I need to get the ball rolling on this Nursing school stuff, I feel like I haven’t done much in regards to that aspect, and it’s because of my job. I work Tuesday to Saturday 0900-1700 & consequently I only have Mondays to do everything. I also have my other job Thursday-Saturday from 1800-2000, so practically my weekends revolve around ZERO fun.
Most likely I will change my days- perhaps cut a day or two from my second job.

Changing subjects, my case management position is pretty sweet. I don’t hate my coworkers. The work can get stressful, but its manageable. My office buddy, whom I will call Lola is absolutely hilarious. Shes one of those people that isn’t trying to be funny, but the way she interacts with people is funny. Shes slightly awkward and the best part is that she doesn’t talk a lot. She lets me work.

In my next post I will talk more about what I do exactly. Untill then ….

Well, things have definitely taken a turn for the UNKNOWN. I know what I want, I know I will eventually get it- but my life time line is completely skewed. I have no way of fixing it due to the fact that I am still not sure if I will start school this semester. I absolutely HATE it. I don’t think you can possibly know this gut awful feeling I get when I think about my future-it sucks. I’ve said it before & Ill say it again…I just have to roll with what comes at me.

Its pretty late so I cant/wont elaborate. Stay tune.

Just know that my Nursing Career is NOT over =)

& also know that I have a serious crush on someone, which is a very nice distraction from my own self regulating/torturous thoughts.