Zwieback Added to Periodic Table of Elements

The International Union of Pure and Applied Chemistry has decided they’ve given up on mercury and decided to replace element 80 with the dry Mennonite bread known has zwieback.

“It’s one of the foundational elements in all of chemistry,” said Dr. Hershberger. “Without zwieback, the entire molecular structure of the universe falls apart. I’m really shocked it wasn’t added to the periodic table sooner.”

Science teachers in Mennonite country were excited for the chance to finally make their subject relevant to the students.

“Mennonites have been….how should I say it?….rather skeptical of science,” said Mr. Hershberger. “But now that we’ve got zwieback on the periodic table, I think we’ll see a huge surge in interest in the natural sciences.”

Rejected Mercury was sad to be shunned and replaced with zwieback, but was able to find a new church community in which to fellowship.

“I’m going to check out the Lutherans,” said Mercury. “If the Mennonites won’t have me, I know they will.”

Zwieback was also added to precious medal trading index and even surpassed soaring marijuana stocks in its first day on the market.

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