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10.29.2015

Paul Ryan Officially Loses GOP Contest to Not Be Speaker

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI-01) officially lost the Republican contest to not be Speaker of the United States House of Representatives. Speaker Ryan garnered 236 votes to succeed John Boehner (R-OH-01), and declared his defeat to what he described as "one of the most shameful American legislative bodies in our history" prior to threatening all of America with what was to come.

"Okay. You guys totally got me. I lost the contest. I am now in charge of this place thanks to the uncompromising House Freedom Caucus, the Kangaroo Committee on Benghazi, and House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy's big mouth," announced a vanquished Speaker Ryan.

Paul Ryan speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) in March 2014. (Photo: Gage Skidmore)

Ryan added, "Americans won't know what hit them now. I am in favor of shutting down the government, and privatizing Social Security and Medicare. The only things I really want the government to pay for are corporate socialism and military socialism."

"The American people are strong and can fend for themselves, because if I get my way they are not going to have much of a choice. I have a heck of a lot more in common with the Teabaggers in this chamber than I do with average Americans," explained Ryan.

"If I lose, America loses. So everyone better strap in, because this is not going to be pretty," warned Ryan, as he curled two 25-pound dumbbells to work on his biceps.