"The Bachelor" trades American cheese for Swiss cheese

"Well, you told me he was a butt man. Had I known he was a boob man, I would've broken the girls out ALOT earlier!"

Bom chicka wah wah! Yes, it's about that time, on The Bachelor, where we turn the lights
low, shut the door and just hope for the best. Or at least hope that no one
calls to disturb the intense concentration that an episode of show deserves. Or
at the very, very least, no one knocks on our door, or looks through our window
to see that we are watching The Bachelor.
I mean, that'd just be embarrassing. Not for me, because what's embarrassing
about sitting around, shirtless (and pantless (what, it's how I'm most
comfortable)), watching The Bachelor?
I mean, at least I'm getting paid to do this (in reader smiles and laughter).
What's your excuse? But there's always one week that makes all the hours spent
watching the show worth it (in addition to the week after "After the Final
Rose" airs), and now, after however many weeks of holding out, it's time to, in
the words of Marvin Gaye, "get it on." My personal favorite week of the show: Fantasy
Suite Week! It's a week when inhibitions are lowered (ok, lowered-lowered),
proclamations of love are made (as in "I'd love to do the horizontal tango with
you"), and I get to mock whoever gets the sloppy seconds, and sloppy thirds
(which is ironic, because the dates actually go in reverse order, so they might
be saving the "best" for last, but at that point the last probably isn't
getting the bachelor's best). Even more ironic is that,
in my mind, the order of bumping uglies actually descended from what I view as
the best, the Baconator, to the Horse Whisperer (who seems like she would have clumsy
sex, all filled with elbows in eyes and a lot of "oh, sorry's") to Ugly
Alessandra Ambrosio (who probably just lays there, not saying a word, or even
moving, other than to touch her own hair every two-to-four seconds). So, in the
spirit of Ben, let's close our eyes, hope for the best, and hit it and quit it
on our way to pure ecstasy (that the final Rose Ceremony offers, because, I
gotta believe that the Horse Whisperer wasn't the only one saying "oh, sorry").

"First, shrinkage. And now this? Get me a tube sock!"

Ever since The
Bachelor went from The Bachelor:
Heavy Drinking and Bikini-clad Chicken Fights to The Bachelor: Amazing Race, every episode must start with someone
proclaiming how wherever in the world the bachelor is as "the world's best/most
romantic place to fall in love." But you know what? With the contestants
touching down in Interlaken, Switzerland, for once, those words were just not
rhetoric. Switzerland, a place not even on my top ten of places to visit (my
happy place, Australia, France, Sweden, Iceland, Italy, Russia, Colorado, Hawaii,
the moon), now finds itself #3 on my list (sorry, the moon), as, even on TV, it
looks like the most beautiful place I've ever seen, full of more than just hot
cocoa mix and cheese. I am ready to pack up my bags and move there! Who wants
to join me? Oh, you know you do! The Baconator got the (un)luck of the draw,
being first up (meaning that she would be first up out of the remaining three
for the Limo Ride of Shame), with the two taking a helicopter ride around the
Swiss Alps. The Baconator said all the right things, saying that "there's
something wonderful about being in a relationship with someone you feel safe
with" (yes, there is) and telling Ben that she has "spent of majority of [her]
(see, I do know some English language, um, thingies) days thinking about what
[her] life would be like with [him]," while also pointing out, in truly cheesy
fashion, that the "view goes on forever, just like our relationship" (at least
until the next Rose Ceremony). Admitting that her "possible future with [Ben]
outweighs any chance of heartbreak,"
the Baconator did seem like the most in love with Ben, the one woman left who
was trying to win Ben's heart, instead of just "winning." But, of course, the
Baconator is not a model whose name is Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio, so the
Baconator had little to do other than talk, which made Ben's eyes glaze over. But
of course, his disinterest in what the Baconator had to say didn't translate
into disinterest in seeing her boobies, so Ben presented her with the Fantasy
Suite Card, and the two decided to "forgo their individual suites" for the
Fantasy Suite, which just happened to have a hot tub in it that looked like the
entrance to the center of The Island. But it was pretty obvious, going in, that
a little cave exploring wasn't going to change the inevitable outcome for the
Baconator.

"Um, I probably wouldn't touch that. Don't you remember what happened to Locke?"

Whereas the Baconator and Ben rose to new heights, the Horse
Whisperer and Ben went down on with each other, with the season's first
harness date! Now regular readers know how much I love the harness dates, and
how I prefer, when I'm not pantless, to rock the harness (it very supporting),
so it was kind of a surprise that the harness was broken out this late in the
season. And for an especially lame date, that didn't even find the two rappelling
down a cliff face, instead just kinda sliding down a rope from a ledge. The
Horse Whisperer, who obviously didn't get the note that Switzerland can be
cold, showed up in basically a tee-shirt and see-through sweater, started to
break down the walls that kept her from being completely open with Ben, telling
him she's ready to "I don't know, give you all of me, I don't know." Which, of
course, gave Ben his in to offer up the Fantasy Suite Card (it's not like he
was listening to her anyway), which led her to respond: "Normally I don't just
go stay the night with anyone. Usually I don't do this, but..." And, of course, she
decided to forgo her individual suite, changing into one of Ben's shirts and
forgoing her pants(!). It seems like a roll in the hay with the Horse Whisperer
was just what Ben needed, saying that "the next morning, I woke up and felt
that I was falling in love the Horse Whisperer," while not noting how clumsy
she was in bed (and I stand by my assessment of her).

I imagine Ben said "all aboard" three times this week. Helicopter rides, mountainside picnics and hot tubbing can really tire a guy out!

But the most romantical date of the episode was, of course,
reserved for Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio, with the couple taking a train to a
neighboring town for a picnic. Swoon. I have to agree with Ben's statement of
"there's something romantical about a train, it's very intimate, it's just the
two of you sitting, relaxing, watching," and with the right person, a train
ride can just be magical, and an incredibly close experience. The two shopped
for their picnic, with the comfort level between the two blatantly obvious,
with even Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio noting that "I can't think of another place
I want to be, or another person I want to be with," words I too have uttered,
so I know the significance of them. Now I'm not saying that all of the sudden
Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio isn't who we've seen her as all season long, and I'd
be lying if I didn't admit I want her to win (because Ben has been such a
dumb-ass all season long when it comes to her, so it seems deserving for him to
end up with her), but at least for a few fleeting seconds, she seemed like a
normal person. Who touches her hair every two-to-four seconds. And talks in a
child-like voice. Ben, once again, confronted her about her treating the other
girls poorly, but instead of letting her answer, he cut himself off, saying
that he didn't want to talk about it (and see why he's so "deserving" of Ugly
Alessandra Ambrosio). After descending into a wine cellar, Ben, in hopes of
descending into her wine cellar (because she just lays there, motionless, and
that assessment I am definitely standing behind), Ben presented her with the Fantasy
Suite Card, and if there has been one sure thing this season, it's that Ugly
Alessandra Ambrosio would accept the key to her lock (gross). BUT, only after she
asked him to tell her how he feels about things, thus making HIM work for it,
which is a pretty bold move at this point in the game (although Ben has already
proved that when these two are together, she is the bachelorette, and he is
just a contestant). And even a night couple of minutes of hot sex
passionless body mushing weren't enough to dissuade Ben from saying that he is
definitely in love with Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio!

"Ok, yes, I promise to wear this shirt every episode, if you promise not be mean and cruel to me."

At this point, we were "treated" to two events, neither of
which I really want to write about, because they both sucked, just on different
levels of suckiness. First up was a "preview" of the next season of The Bachelorette, which I'm guessing
will air in the middle of May(?), which sees the once Ricky Booby Bobby,
now Emily, try to rebound after the heartbreak of robotic Brad. So instead of
being bored at 7:30 after her daughter goes to bed (hot single mothers who live
in mansions have such difficult lives), she's going to try her luck with 25 eligible
bachelors, one who's name, I hope, is Wes 2.0. But first, she must get some
tips from two previous bachelorettes, Ali and Ashley. Tips like how to put the
roses on the guys when they aren't wearing a proper suit jacket, how to wear a
statement necklace and how not to pick another loser like Brad. So the three,
after a spa date, went to see Titanic
(coming to a movie theater, in 3D, soon), where for some inexplicable reason
the three wore evening attire to an afternoon movie. Where they discussed how
they hope Emily has a love story just like Jack and Rose's. Except, probably
without the guy dying in the end. Like the previous version of Ricky Bobby.
Oops. This whole section was a ridiculous time-waster, and I hope that Ali and
Ashley aren't recurring characters, just like Dr. Therapist was during Brad's
season.

"No sudden movements... no sudden movements..."

What wasn't a complete timewaster was the "knock," the
always clichéd return of a past contestant, with Ben actually getting two
"knocks" this season, with the earlier-returning Sir Mix a Lot. It seems that
The Notebook, after getting booted last week, just couldn't understand why she
got booted (your parents), telling Ben "I don't even know what happened" (your
parents) and "I wanted to see if you'd tell me what happened" (your parents).
So, with me expecting that Ben was going to be less than honest, as he has
answered a grand total of zero questions asked of him this year, saying some
canned response of "I was just farther along in my journey with the other
girls" or something like that, Ben was actually honest, telling her that her
parents (see!) freaked him out with their no-living-together thing. Which
obviously extends out to the no-having-sex thing too. Now I'm not supporting
Ben's decision to go sloppy thirds in three nights, but I also can't support
not bumping uglies with someone who you might marry. Because, well, if you
don't do that, and you're not compatible in the junk area (or good at sex),
then, well, you're just wasting your talents (if you're good exceptional
at sex). Basically, Ben didn't see his life going that way (the way of
chastity), and did not see her in the end (nor in his bed). And with that, The
Notebook decided to go out with a bang (no, the other kind), telling Ben, in
what would be a deafening chorus at this point (if he was actually listening to
what any of these women had to say), that Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio is, well,
ugly. And after a few more awkward moments, Ben did the only thing he could do,
telling The Notebook he was going to walk her out of his hotel room, then
slowly backed back in, closing the door. This led to The Notebook, lying down
in the hallway, which only made me think of this scene. If a car actually ran
over Allie. I would say "good luck with being the next bachelorette," but that
ship has sailed. So I'll offer you the next best thing: "good luck on Bachelor Pad this summer!"

"To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!"

At this point Ben is confused because he really wants to
continue to sleep with Ugly Alessandra as much as possible before she realizes
that she is so, so far out of his league (a common fear of every man with a
woman (who makes other men, and him, stutter) in his life that is far, far out
of his league), so he sat down with Chris Harrison to hash everything out
before the Rose Ceremony. Chris, never one to let an opportunity pass, asked
Ben if he was sure that he didn't want The Notebook at the night's Rose
Ceremony ("I respect your decision," he said, and thought "but think, in the spirit
of me being able to say 'the most dramatic/surprising/ dramatically surprising
Rose Ceremony ever' you're making a crappy decision"), and then talked him
through each of the final three dates. At this point, I was sure that Ben had
already made up his mind, but after seeing a toga-wearing Baconator (really,
you're going to let me down like that) at the Rose Ceremony, I was really,
really sure that the Baconator just didn't have enough love for the both of
them. This, of course, was the case. The Baconator, overcome with heartbreak,
and embarrassment for wearing that dress, told Ben "I just hope you're making
the right decision" (code for "Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio sucks"), to which Ben,
always looking out for #1, responded "I cried a little bit today, I'm not gonna
lie." Ben, you are truly just oksub-par deserving of the
heartbreak Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio is about to serve up. "The Women Tell All"
next week, which won't be as fun without Ugly Alessandra Ambrosio there to
defend herself, so I guess we'll have to wait until "After the Final Rose" to
hear from her. And, for that, I can't wait. Because then no more Bachelor until The Bachelorette. In May. Crap. And then Bachelor Pad, in July. Double crap.