Six Things You Should Never, Ever Tell Her After Doing Sex

You’re basking in the afterglow of sex completion. If you’ve played your cards right, your sex partner has miraculously not scurried to the bathroom to hide and hope you’ve gotten the hint and left the premises. No, instead, she’s lying next to you — maybe even in your arms. You did good, man. Now just relax and bask in comfortable, golden, amorous silence.

Below is a brief sampling of some of the many, many things that you shouldn’t say after sex. Note that the real list is as endless as man’s own capacity for foot-swallowing stupidity, but hopefully this will provide a good jumping-off point; examples of words that may appear in your mind, that you may wish to verbalize during that magical post-boot-knockin’ chill period, but that you really, really don’t need to, man.

“I can’t believe how good that felt.”

Here’s a good one to start with. We all know what you meant: “As good as I was expecting that to feel, it felt even better than that!” Hey, that’s a nice thought. But what that really sounds like is, “I set the bar really low and you pretty much exceeded it.” Sure, that’s still a compliment, but one so brutally, clumsily back-handed, you’re basically Roger Federer on a Schnapps bender. Better to stay quiet.

“Wait, did you want me to stay over?”

“Mama didn’t raise no ingrate,” you’ll think to yourself, as you chivalrously offer to slip out of the bedroom and into the night, like the douchiest ninja ever.

“Thanks.”

We were raised to say “thank you” for any kindness that comes our way, and what can be kinder than a nice lady being super-cool to your genitals? But sex is, of course, the exception. Someone didn’t just hold the door for you; you didn’t just get your parking validated; a busboy did not just refill your water glass. There is a difference in protocol, so let’s act accordingly.

The only time a “thank you” could be remotely defensible is if there were some sort of financial transaction involved with the sex, which of course brings up a whole other set of ethical issues. Even then, it’s still horribly tacky, at best, though if you’re paying for sex that’s probably not a huge concern for you.

“You’re kinda loud.”

This is tantamount to saying “I’m cool with not seeing you naked again.” If that’s what you meant, that’s cool. If it isn’t and you did just want her to turn it down a little, keep in mind Sex Volume Control runs counter to letting inhibitions go or doing whatever your partner is doing at her most liberated. So, not only are you pathetically uptight, but you apparently hate freedom. Go rent Braveheart, invest in some apartment soundproofing, and man the hell up.

“I have a big day at work.”

This one isn’t about what you said, but when you said it. Saying “I have a big day at work,” after a solid 30-minute post-coital cuddle sesh is legit. You’re an ambitious fellow and she will appreciate your excitement to start your day and grab it by the proverbial short hairs.

By contrast, saying “I have a big day at work,” a mere, say, 30 seconds into your refractory period is downright sociopathic. You may as well have said, “I’ve made a terrible mistake with you that no amount of showering can undo, but I sure am gonna try. Gotta run!”