I don’t care ~ I’m scared

My last two and a half weeks in Ibiza has been a journey of bringing what is unconscious, conscious.

One defense mechanism I have become more familiar with inside myself is when there is something… or someone… I desire and I put on a mask of “I don’t care if you are interested in me…” instead of the truth of “I’m scared I’ll be rejected.”

A mask of “I don’t care” where the truth is, “I am scared”

I wonder how many times I’ve done this…

Not held a crush’s glance…

Shielded myself from a juicy connection…

Passed by a soul sister because I was intimidated by her beauty…

Missed out on a sexy, sultry dance…

Not asked for help…

Fear of rejection is one of the most paralyzing feelings I’ve experienced…I have felt my entire body freeze before, and the terror of having someone say “no” to me… and to make their “no” equate to my personal self worth.

Can you relate to this?

Over the last months, its my practice to notice when I feel a flutter in my heart… the one that feels alive, brimming with both fear and excitement, to go for what I desire and allow it to be expressed. I do this with no attachment or expectation with how they will respond… (this is a practice of course) and knowing that someone else’s “no” does not mean a no to me as a human being… it’s a simple no. I have no idea what’s going on for them, and their no is a way of taking care of themselves and a reflection of where they are at in that moment. In fact, now when someone says “no” to me, I can honour this…and I trust them to be honest with me…and know that if there is a yes from them in the future, I can trust that more.

So these last week, I have flirting with this…and I’m happy to share that many beautiful connections have been made on this gorgeous and pulsing island of Ibiza.

This post is dedicated to all the women I had the blessing to experience Women Who See In the Dark Retreat with, and all the connections ignited and deepened at #ibizatantrafestival. Thank you for being a part of my journey to full expression and authenticity.