If The Rapture Comes

May 19, 2011

May 21 is supposed to be the end of the world, or the ascension to heaven, or the rapture or something. I’m not clear on it. I know a lot of people think it’s the day God will take his chosen believers into the next world, while the rest of us are left here to dwell in hell, or maybe it’s the other way around. I know Taco Bell will still be open no matter what.

“If you really believe this is the End Times, why are you still paying your bills?” — Me to a holy roller coworker a couple of years ago.

If May 21 does, in fact, involve believers vanishing and non-believers writhing in flaming pain, I would suggest the following pros and cons. Speaking of which, if the opposite of “pro” is “con,” what’s the opposite of “progress?” I saw that written on a pub bathroom wall once and it made me laugh, but it was dollar draft night and I think I woke up next to a stripper.

Anyway, here are some pros and cons involving our rapture on May 21. Ooops, I’m supposed to capitalize it.

If the Rapture happens, true believers will be rewarded with eternal life in Heaven.

.. If the Rapture happens, true believers might turn out to be the Scientologists.

If the Rapture happens, a lot of rich Christians will vanish, leaving nice houses, good cars, fur coats and bored mistresses with nothing to do.

… If the Rapture happens, the Devil will make you do it. Not that you’re going to complain.

If the Rapture happens, holy rollers, Bible thumpers and snake handlers will be proven right.

… If the Rapture happens, they’ll be gone.

Someone on the Internet is proposing that we all get up really early Saturday morning and leave full suits of clothes and shoes lying on sidewalks around town, just to fuck with people who expect this to actually happen. “Oh no! Why not me? WHY NOT ME?”