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Silicon Valley is known as a hub of invention, where tech geniuses create the world of tomorrow. Every child with some coding knowledge was intended to wind up there, hoping to become the next Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg. But though millions of the brightest virgins from all over the world worship these leaders like they’re readily winded Greek gods, they ignore that their success comes at a cost. And more often than not, that payment is that these billionaires become really, genuinely, actually weird . For pattern …

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Mark Zuckerberg And Jack Dorsey Like To Take Their Workers On Surreal Field Trips

Typically, interactions with your boss’ boss tend to involve you going run over by their motorist on the way to the bus stop. But some CEOs are more interested in their underlings than others. Ironically, in the tech macrocosm, it’s the titans of social media who place a lot of significance on having some face-to-face age with all of their employees. And leave it to people like Mark Zuckerberg and Jack Dorsey to find a way to tell person “You and I are going on a little trip” and constitute the outcome somehow worse than being slaughtered in a motel bathtub.

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For Facebook employees, Zuckerberg’s reign of tricky horror begins even before they get their first paycheck. Potential Facebook recruits are sent a strange email telling them they’re craved by the company. After arriving at Facebook HQ, they’re rapidly shuttled to a private room, forced to sign a bunch of NDAs, and then poof, Zuckerberg emerges. He then takes these headhuntees on a path up in the groves around Palo Alto, where tells them its own history of tech and invention before he accentuates how naughtily he requires their knack all up in his fellowship. One such draft describing him as “surreal, ” and like he “was on a date” — two interviewing proficiencies that are a surefire way of giving your HR department stomach ulcers.

Justin Sullivan/ Getty Images Hey, did you envision that movie about how big-hearted a creep I am? Anyway, gives go into the groves alone!

At least the CEO of Twitter and enabler of dangerously mouthy world leaders Jack Dorsey waits until you’re in the door to unleash weird jaunts on his personnel. In his other company, Square, Dorsey rounds up all the new employees every Friday and drives them like kine down to the bronze of Gandhi outside San Francisco’s Ferry Building. Then, like a low-rent Aristotle, he walks them through all of San Francisco’s most important regions while he excuses his “Four Corners of Square” philosophy. Both he and Zuckerberg keep these practices conceal from anyone not working for them. If you’re merely comfortable talking frankly to people who’ve signed an NDA, you might be a crazed tech billionaire.

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Shigeru Miyamoto Is Genuinely Into Measuring Stuff

For middle-aged humanities, hobbies are a great distraction from invariably withdrawing all the advertisings they didn’t get. Popular ways to keep the murderous feeling at bay include repairing vintage cars, crying in sheds, and woodworking. But for Nintendo CEO and manic pixie old man Shigeru Miyamoto, it’s weighing stuff.

What Miyamoto, a genius plays developer , notes the most merriment ever is predicting the periods and loads of material, then assessing it to see how close he got. The boy carries a tape measure everywhere. “For instance, I might guess that the table in front of us is about 1.2 meters long, ” he told Nintendo.com. “Then I’d actually sets it with the asses videotape to check. If I got it right, I’d repute: ‘I’m on sort today! ‘ But if I missed the mark by a long way, I’d conceive: ‘I’ve been slipping a little bit recently! ‘”

Kevork Djansezian/ Getty Images Yup, the guy who generated Mario no longer lives in the same zip code as fun. That may be the most tragic thought weve ever heard.

He claims to have developed this garb when he first inaugurated building a house, which is interesting, as we’d person him has become still more of a brick-breaker than bricklayer. He’s so to be given to his assessing craftsmanship that Jimmy Fallon made an entire game out of it when he was on his prove 😛 TAGEND

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Peter Thiel Is A Straight Up Doomsday Vampire

Peter Thiel is well known for many things. He co-founded PayPal. He owns a big share of Facebook. He was the first( openly) gay human to get on stage at the Republican National Convention. He bankrupted a major internet publishing because they were mean to him. He’s a powerful, cunning, driven man.

More importantly, he’s just. The. Freaking. Weirdest.

Let’s start off with the least crazy shit this maniac is well known for: seasteading, aka clearing the patch of Waterworld actually happen. Thiel, an ardent Trump supporter, has this weird little notion that freedom and democracy aren’t certainly compatible. As a result of this mindset, Thiel is investing heavily in creating floating islands where he can cast off the confines of this flunked experimentation we call America and impose a cluster of wonderfully inhuman regimes. To achieve his destination, Thiel plunged $500,000 on founding the Seasteading Institute, which is exactly as nonsensical as it sounds.

Nevertheless, he still managed to beat up support for it in Silicon Valley — enough that earlier this year, they convinced the French Polynesian government to start telling them build their own floating metropolitan out there. Because it isn’t a proper libertarian utopia unless you include some third-world country feeble enough to bully with your money.

But tax evasions aren’t the only principles Thiel wants to get rid of. He too wants to undo the regulations of sort and season themselves. Thiel is a big fan of eternal life — his own, more specifically. His current objective is to live to be at least 120 years old, and to achieve that, he’s been putting a lot of crazy stuff in himself. Thiel has openly admitted that he’s experimenting with small-scale dosages of Human Growth Hormone, which you probably know best as that substance are prohibited by Major League Baseball and that situation that got Lance Armstrong in disturbance. But bulking up on funny hormones is nothing compared to his other life hacker: parabiosis, a process which entails Thiel injecting himself with the blood of a much younger party. Drinking blood, defying sort, building his own commonwealth free from the laws of guy … has anyone “ve ever seen” Thiel walk into a church without catching fuel?

3

Jack Ma Of Alibaba Applies His Gatherings To Play Musical Numbers

Alibaba has become an online retail juggernaut over the past few years, and it has famed entrepreneur Jack Ma to thank for that. Ma is the rare various kinds of CEO who’s both a savvy businessman and a natural-born entertainer. But sometimes his showmanship gets the better of him, is recommended that deep down, he never wanted to be a businessman. He wanted to be a ace .

Ma has a tendency to derail his own company powwows with elaborate entryways. And when we say “elaborate, ” we necessitate “headlining at Madison Square Garden” elaborate. Our favorite must continue to be when Ma, at his company’s 18 th birthday party, arrived on theatre performing a Michael Jackson salute number — Ma-chael Jackson, if you’re nasty. During the performance, a cloaked Ma-chael rode out on a motorcycle, and as “Billie Jean” gushed out of the speakers, Ma-chael started to hip-thrust to no audible lick. If you can’t accompany the splendid video of his conduct, imagine if that afternoon you invested trying to learn how to moonwalk had been steered and being developed by Michael Bay.

Eventually, after dancing like a browse coach chaperoning junior prom, the MAsked MAn was revealed to be Ma, and some strange chests popped out on stagecoach to uncover a batch of Alibaba employees dressed like goth marionettes, where it was started rallying to the pulsate of “Black Or White.” It might not be a great message to cast, having your employees literally dance to the chant of your madness while dressed as panic-stricken dolls, but we’re pretty sure Ma generated more is considered to that skit than anything else in the entire fiscal year.

Ma’s Michael Jackson tribute wasn’t the first of his community theater antics. In 2009, at a meeting hosting more than 1,600 parties, he busted a rendition of “Can You Appear The Love Tonight” while wearing a Mohawk, pitch-black lipstick, and a phony nose echoing — something that is actually needs to be seen to be believed.

One attendee later recalled that “people outside of the company thought he was crazy. But those of us inside the company knew better.” They knew better than to call a billionaire who has millions of unmarked shipping containers and a elegance for the stunning “crazy, ” we assume.

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Intimate conduct between co-workers has traditionally been risky business, especially when one of the parties is signing the other’s checks. But while the fictions of middle directors have delivery an entire porn genre about all of the imaginative paths a secretary can ask for a grow, in the real world, that kind of inappropriate behavior is lastly getting shut down, with sexual harassment dress ousting many a powerful creep these days.

In 2017, Uber was hit by a torrent of claims of good treatment of women, and that’s putting events thinly. Supporting that trickle-down financials do work for bastard demeanor, these allegations started up top with( now-former) CEO Travis Kalanick. Back in 2013, Uber was celebrating its propel in Miami, Florida — a city where it’s contemplated weird to not snort cocaine off of someone’s genitals on a Friday night. In tell to keep happens neat and PG, Kalanick concluded that it might be a good mind to let his employees know that there would be some boundaries. He told them 😛 TAGEND You better read this or I’ll kick your ass .

Do not have sex with another employee UNLESS a) you have asked that person for that privilege and they have responded with an unequivocal ‘YES! I will have sex with you’

OK, in so far so good, if you if ignored the whole “my Roman orgy, my rules” vibe. But Kalanick’s not finished.

AND b) the two( or more) of you do not work in the same chain of command. Yes, that means that Travis will be celibate on this trip. #CEOLife #FML .

There’s a lot to unpack there. How many company threesomes does Kalanick think are happening in Accounting? Is he referring to himself in the third party, like a sex-obsessed Elmo? And did he actually describe his annoyance about not getting to bang his own employees in hashtags ? No wonder dames don’t detect safe in his cars.

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Bill Gates And Steve Ballmer Have A Weird Comedy Double Act

For as long as they’ve been around, Apple’s key marketing strategy has been that Windows PCs are awkward and nerdy, like your pa, while Macs are painless cool children, like Justin Long, somehow. And if you think Microsoft is run by only a knot of lame daddies who are into spreadsheets and updates … you’re principally right, but there are a couple of exceptions.

For those who can’t watch, imagine Rick Flair in business casual .

That video facets Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer looking like he’s snorted about four wrinkles of cocaine in order to get over some moderately crippling stage fright. Ballmer is a wild humanity on stagecoach , notorious for his hopeless vigour and so so so much better sweat. If you want your presentation to be hosted by someone who looks like he compiles model train creates but acts like Gary Busey off his meds, Ballmer is your person.

While a sound tycoon behind boardroom openings, in public, Ballmer cultivated a reputation for playing the offbeat crony to Bill Gates’ “so straight-shooting I can’t dance” straight person. We can see why.

The pair also made a ton of silly firm memo together, various of which have been “leaked” for the internet to enjoy — including bad SNL spoofs, sketches accepted from local secondary school geniu sees, and this always-fresh take on Austin Dominance 😛 TAGEND The downside of being the richest humankind on Earth is that no one perceives cozy slapping the bad feelings out of you anymore . Isaac would blithely exchange his blood to Peter Thiel if it represented paying off his student lends faster. Follow him on Twitter . Friendly reminder that Austin Powers was a whole beautiful trilogy you should watch now . Support Cracked’s journalism with a call to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you .