Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Fear IS Illusion - Told You So

The only reason I repeat that fear is an illusion is to remind myself.

I have been an anxious person for as long as I can remember. It is in my nature to chew over every future possibility of any action and get stuck on being so totally prepared for all the logical outcomes that I end up doing nothing except wringing my hands or pacing the room. Or blogging as an excuse for being 'busy', of course.

I'm sure that logically if I really started taking action on selling everything in my house that I needed to clear, that six weeks would be more than enough time. But instead I feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of different items that I need to shift, worried that I won't find the best opportunity to get the most money for them and too hung up on the Big What Ifs: What if it comes to moving day and I still have too much stuff? What if I give my month's notice and I cannot find the 'right' place to stay?

Too many questions: Will I have enough space to take my TV? If so, do I keep the cabinet? If I don't keep the cabinet then when do I sell the cabinet? When do I stop cooking meals in bulk so that I can defrost the fridge-freezer in the back room? How long will that take to sell? When do I sell my saucepans?

Of course, added to this is the total and utter inconvenience of the process of moving - packing everything in to boxes, eating out of packets, arranging the forwarding of mail, booking the van. Oh, and finding a place to live too. Minor detail.

You can see how much I get stuck in the present or the past, rather than remembering the benefits that will come from all of this effort in the future...

Underlying this hand-wringing exercise is the deafening silence from the MD, who had yet to respond to my email. Logically I feel quite calm about the whole situation. Physically I am a mess, jumping involuntarily every time a new email notification comes through or every time the phone rings. I have been feeling for the past couple of days as though I am about to walk in to an important interview and I am sure that is not healthy. Of course it's not healthy. Or necessary.

Here's the thing - I stated at the start of the post that it was in my nature to be anxious. What I turn in to a Nervous Nelly over, others would find a breeze and handle the situation without batting an eyelid. Others would look at my current situation with excitement - I have a friend who loves to move house, is not at all bothered by the chaos and who would sell her house contents and more without any sign of smoke emerging from her ears.

Put her in the driver's seat, though, as she suffers from terrible road rage. She gets angry at things which do not bother me at all. We are all here to change our nature - whatever that might be. Everybody has a reaction (or more than one) that is tough to overcome. And mine is anxiety. Somehow in this lifetime I need to transform from Worrier to Warrior. And I will get there - Awareness is key.

So how did the Universe deliver that awareness today?

At 1pm, another email appeared from the Postmaster - 48 hours after I emailed the MD - to say that my message had not, and could not, be delivered.

After all of that self-induced stress, I'd entered his email address incorrectly.

So for the past 48 hours I have been feeling the tension grow, worrying about what he will say about the contract, and in reality there was absolutely no possibility that he could have even read it. What wasted time and energy!

So, time to at least start listing out my stuff. I started on the vinyl, which may be useful to a D.J. friend, and came across a white E.P by a band called "Susan And God". And I have no idea how it got there. Life is full of little surprises....

e - thanks! I would give myself a lot more luck if I actually pulled my finger out. I want to clear pretty much everything except the bedroom furniture. Oh, and clothes. And a few bits from the kitchen. Oh, and....I'm not going to be able to move for boxes in my new room at this rate... :o)

About Me

On the brink of discovering who I really am. Which is just as well because I have no ties - no job, no car, a rented house, no man... but an ever increasing positive outlook on life. I am a Child of the Universe, as much right to be here as the trees and the stars, apparently. Oh good. Then let the fun begin...