Hello everybody. I am composing another blog right now regarding school and such but I felt inspired to share a few favourite songs of mine with you. I haven’t put links anywhere because I am not going to dictate where you choose to get your music from. I will provide the song, artist, and album. It’s up to you to find it and like it, if you like. Here goes.

Song: Making Up MindsArtist: EluviumAlbum: Similes
Good song with a spatial and floating feel to it.

What I did today was pretty awesome. adm and I went and did orientation for school. It is weird but I am very excited for school to start. To meet new people, to expand my knowledge, and to wreak havoc on the system. Maybe. Orientation was long but overall it was a success. Because I know you are all dying to know, here is my first semester schedule.

Introduction to Film and Theatre – 4 credit hours one class a week. I am so stoked. Thinking of possibly double major at the U for film and theatre. Hooray!

Life, Society, and Drugs – who knows? Really I am just excited because drugs fascinate me, I have a love/hate relationship with life, and society scares me. Yay.

Essentials College Study – a class to get one back into the rhythm of school. Meh.

Pre Algebra – a 950 course because I sux0rz at math. #lame

US Government and Politics – this may come in handy. Mainly looking for easy Poli-Sci majors. Girls with brains = yes please.

That’s the first semester. 16 credit hours. I will keep the blog abreast of my progress and new classes. Today was great. Thanks for stopping by.

I would like to introduce you to Charlie. Charlie is a fox that lives at the airport. One of my favourite things to do is drive out to the airport behind the terminals and park near the runways. You can sit and just watch planes take off and land with great views. On one such journey I met this fox. He introduced himself to me and said his name was Charlie.

Pleased to meet him, I asked what he was doing out there. Turns out he enjoys the same past time of watching the planes land and take off. He invited me back to his foxhole to have tea and discuss the war.

Charlie has a bold heart and would love to meet any of you as well. He thanked me as I thank you; thanks for stopping by.

Promise to get well soon
To feel much better soon
When I come back in June
You’ll still be around
Get well soon

Late November something’s wrong
You’ve kept it secret way too long
There’s not much anyone can do
From here on in it’s up to you
I wish it wouldn’t
But you know
The show goes on, I have to go

A friend. Wishing well and wishing the other would get help. I don’t know about you, but asking for help is hard. Why does pride get in the way of our own wellbeing? I find myself in a dark place sometimes and I am not able to express those feelings to anyone but myself and I just continue spiraling.

Promise to get well soon
To feel much better soon
When I come back in June
You’ll still be around
Get well soon

Can you feel it, is it true?
Is something gone inside of you
Wish there was something I could do
From here on in, it’s up to you
I dearly wish it wasn’t so
But life goes on, I have to go…

Promise to get well soon
To feel much better soon
When I come back in June
You’ll still be around
Get well soon
You’ll get well soon
Just get well soon

That same sentiment repeated, this time with the statement, you will get well soon. You will still be around. No question of if, only of when. At the same time the friend says, I wish I could help, but it’s up to you. Your health is your responsibility. Granted, you may use supplements, prescriptions, doctors, therapists, nurses, and a whole slew of professionals; but your action to get that help and to follow advice and orders is what counts.

To Eve. Get well soon. Please. As for me? It’s gonna take a lot of convincing.
Thanks for stopping by.

love,
adn

The above italicized lyrics are from the song “Get Well Soon” by The Perishers. Great band. Great song. Give it a listen🙂

Today has been a whirlwind of emotions. I was awake at 3 am and again at 5 am and couldn’t return to sleep. At about 5:40 am I got some partial news that scared me quite a bit. Luckily by 8:40 pm I got the whole story and it seems to be okay. The details of the news are of no consequence to anyone so I will not go in to anything. Needless to say, I am grateful for all of my friends and family. I am grateful for the human mind even with all of it’s awful traits.

I want to fear less. There has been this fear since adolescence that my life will amount to nothing. I don’t need to be a king or conquerer amongst my peers, I simply want to pursue my passions and be successful enough in them that I don’t have to continue residing in the basement of my aunt’s house. Granted the time with family is great and being alone during all of these trials whether it is physical, mental, or even spiritual, has kept me alive. The continued support keeps me going and for that I am forever thankful. As far as being fear less I think school will help with that. I had the college life experience in Cedar City minus the college attendance, so going to a community college doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I literally cannot wait for school to start. To finally be a good student, pass classes, and quite frankly my dear, to give a damn. So how this amounts to being having less fear is as follows: by going to school and actually trying and succeeding in school will enforce a confidence I haven’t felt since being on the stage or behind a massively sexy Mac editing videos. Having one more adult thing in my life taken care of will feel great.

A relative passed away this week and her funeral is this Friday. This is a scenario where the family is relieved to see her go. She struggled a great deal during her life and is a wonderful person. I am very happy I knew her and hope she is in peace. Ann is truly a great person. When I met her she was already in the hell that is Multiple Sclerosis and ever declining. But everyone that knows her has wonderful things to say and always have. This is the first funeral I will have been to since my friend John Knollin died 5 years ago. I am a little sad, but overall I think it will be great to celebrate her life with those that love her the most and are in general, great people. Thanks for stopping by.

All at sea again
And now my hurricanes have brought down this ocean rain
To bathe me again

What an opener. Almost seems cleansing. To bathe me again. Sometimes in our lives we have events that could be considered hurricanes and the results or aftershock could be seen as the ocean rain. But the author doesn’t seem battered or discouraged by this harsh weather in his life. To bathe me again.

My ship’s a sail
Can you hear it’s tender frame
Screaming from beneath the waves…

Ok, so maybe not all is as well as he thought. On the surface it feels refreshing and almost like a second chance, but what is happening below. The tender frame is screaming. A life, a heart, a soul so hurt that he can still hear it screaming beneath these waves that before seemed to be refreshing.

All hands on deck at dawn
Sailing to sadder shores
Your port in my heavy storms
Harbours the blackest thoughts

The captain awakes and keeps orders to sail. Sailing to sadder shores if need be. He feels a bit desperate and thinks at this point the only relief will be a hell worse than his current one that will provide the comfort of hindsight. But the place he reaches is friendly. Love waits for him there to harbour his darkest thoughts. Someone to bear his burden of fear and sadness and run smooth fingers through his tired hair.

Maybe. But that’s just me. What are you listening to at the moment? Thanks for stopping by.

So today I had another visit with the heart failure clinic today. Pretty standard visit at the beginning. Weight, blood pressure, temperature, pulse, oxygen, all in great shape. Usual depression and slight lightheaded feelings. So we talk and decide it’s time to go up again on the Coreg. While the doctor is writing out the new scrip it’s time for a blood test. Before the phlebotomist comes in another clinician comes in to see if they can update my DNA profile for a study they are doing on heart failure and genetics. I was happy to oblige the first time nearly 6 months ago simply because the clinician was pretty and I approve of science. Now they need to update. Same clinician as before so again, I sign the consent. This means instead of one vial they are gonna take four.

I think nothing of the rest and we set an appointment for next month. And then a month after that, a new echocardiogram.

Left the doctor and picked up asn from school. Again, thinking all was well I decide to go fill my new scrip. By this time it had nearly been four hours since my appointment. I sit in the pharmacy for about 10 minutes and my fill is ready. I stand up and get to the counter and get a little dizzy. Next thing I know I am waking up on the floor. I was so confused thinking to myself, why am I on the floor? Wasn’t I at the pharmacy? Yes I was, but I passed out. I stood up and leaned on the counter trying to just get done and out of there. Well, I passed out again. As I was about to pass out a third time I got a wheelchair brought in. I should mention that my pharmacy is at IMC in Murray where the clinic is. Where everything is, that place is huge. As I am sitting in the wheelchair I got a drink and I heard them call a code to the pharmacy. Three EMTs come in with a stretcher and they want me to go to the ER. A nurse and another phlebotomist comes in and all these people are asking, are you diabetic? Are you dizzy? One of the pharmacy techs even talked to the EMT in a hushed voice that I wasn’t aware of what was going on. It took me awhile to realize I had passed out. The EMTs walked me to my car and took my info and let me drive home. As I was at the light I erupted in to laughter and called a friend to guide me home. Lacey Anne was there to take my call and provide me with some comfort and I made it home. I don’t really recall what was said but I remember feeling calm when I got home. So thank you Lacey. You are the best. As for me? I am gonna take it easy. Thanks for stopping by.

It had been a few days since my last post and for that I apologize. The last few days have been strange, good, bad, and busy.

In the last few days I have continued my workouts and I feel pretty good with the exception of my feet. The endorphins are a huge plus when you feel like giving up. I have recorded my longest distance as well as personal records for the 1k and the 1 mile. So that is good.

Thursday of this week I have another appointment with the heart failure clinic. I am starting to dread these appointments. They used to be fun and that is no joke. You may be thinking, how is a doctor visit fun? Especially when you are visiting an entire team of cardiologists that are trying to mend your heart. Well I’ll tell you, it used to be fun.

I would go in and just feel happy to be there. Following my diet, medication, and exercise I have made significant progress. The attaboy’s I got from pretty nurses, doctors, pharmacists, and phlebotomists. It was such a great feeling when they would say, “We don’t typically see failure this young, but we also don’t see progress this great.” How awesome is that? Red AND yellow.

But for the last few visits I have gone in super depressed. I haven’t gotten any bad news, my heart is still getting better, but I feel like I’m stagnating. Like a packet of crisps on a roof. I want to get back to that good feeling again.

Then it hits me, this is my other disease showing itself. I have had a psychologist and a few doctors give a guess that I am bipolar. I am usually extremely happy or extremely depressed. I rarely have days where I am not either hyper or totally anti social. What do I do?

The next step is to find a psychiatrist. Get a full diagnosis of the situation and have them start treatment. I don’t feel like Prozac has been helping too much and as I have said previously, they even doubled the dose. Finding a psychiatrist isn’t the easiest thing in the world. I want a good one but I need one that takes my insurance and is flexible with payments as I am starting school this fall and am still unemployed.

With new challenges ahead of me, I want to be prepared and be able to face them mentally and physically. Until then I have the joy of family and friends to help me. And believe me, they do help. I am just afraid of the day that they can’t. For now, this is my main joy. Emma is my amazing niece that I adore to no end. Seeing her smile and hearing her laugh make me think of nothing else. Thanks to adm and jnan for having such a wonderful daughter and allowing me to be a part of her life. It helps more than they know. Thanks for stopping by.

Seems like an angry title I know. One day I won’t over explain everything but I want to stress something specific here. I am not holding any grudges against anyone. The title isn’t specific to anything other than the broad subject of acceptance. It also happens to be the title of an REM song, so calm down.

As I was woke up today I tried go back to sleep. It was 4 am. No luck. So I put on some Brian Eno and was thinking of specific incidents that have impacted my life. Whether in junior high, high school, or at my last job. There is still some bitterness about losing my job and who I lost it because of. And I was thinking just how much I would like to have some form of payback against those people. Not everyone I worked with though. I have people like Dustin and his wife (and their adorable kids), Tim, Teeny, Sully, and others. They were great. Back to the revenge. Problem is, I am not really a revenge type of person at all. I am not a fighter in any aspect. Maybe in protection or defense but never as the aggressor.

Then it shot right through like a bolt of blue, dwelling on it isn’t helping the me as I am now. It’s one of many factors that caused the heart failure. At the beginning I said I wasn’t holding any grudges and I am being honest. In my mind a grudge deals with the intent to do something about it. To me, grudge involves revenge. I don’t want to “get back” at anybody. I want to continue living my life and progressing and learning and evolving. Whether your life is long or short, it makes no sense to go through it angry.

So for my heart and my mind, I have doctors and medication. But for my soul I have my family, my friends, and my beliefs (no matter how few they may be at any given time). Every single day I wake up feeling full of purpose, hope, and love. Writing these things out helps me to realize them as I love going back and reading my own stuff. I feel so grown up. Not bad for an almost 26 year old huh? Thanks for stopping by.

This morning I was awake at 5 am. Yikes. I have not had normal sleeping patterns ever but it became much more erratic after trying to sleep in a hospital. So this morning instead of just meandering about the house I was determined to push myself harder than I have in a long long time. I ate a very delicious breakfast and went walking for 30 minutes. May not sound like a lot but it was tough. With the weight and heart failure I am very proud. Also, I didn’t stop for a breather. When I first started walking with my older brother I had to stop a few times each time we went. Now? Or at least as of this morning? No stops. Nowhere to go but up. Or down. Down is the goal. Weight wise. Up for ejection fraction. Ya know what? I am gonna stop over explaining this one.

It was a great morning and I am getting very excited for school. adm and I will be going in for my orientation on June 29th. Super stoked and happy to have him with me. As a graduate of the U, I feel less nervous with him there. Thanks for stopping by.