I've always been a bit unhappy to be honest. For a few months however (since last Septemberish) I can honestly say I was completely overwhelmed and was badly depressed. I felt/feel that people don't give a shit about me. When I walk out the door, people don't think about me until the see me again or they need something from me. I've been single for over 6 years with zero intimate contact with any woman and recent attempts at getting together with someone have failed miserably or fizzled bizzarely in one case.

I have a good job, I'm physically healthy and I have no real problems to speak of. I'm known by people as an honest, decent person who is always willing to help friends and family.

None of this matters a lick to me because I see friends who are frankly useless, lazy, selfish shites who seem to have everything go their way with relationships etc. This is one thing that really bothers me because I'm desperately lonely because I get forgotten about if people don't need something. I could disappear/be dead for days and it would only be noticed when I didn't turn up for work.

I haven't felt joy, excitement or anticipation in years. Just a kind of level, grey 'getting on with it' state with occasional bouts of insane jealousy and/or incandescent mindless rage. I don't sleep properly/much any more.

Add to this a rather heavy layer of recent girl trouble that ties in with the jealously toward one of my more useless friends and stuff was pretty bad this weekend just gone. I reckon it was the bottom for me because I was making plans to end it as I felt I had reached the end of my run and it would be easier to leave it all behind than keep numbly trudging through.

I decided to give things a few days and see if I still felt the same. Over the past couple of days I've had a breakthrough and I'm starting to feel much better. The people I think don't care probably do but I'm just being an unreasonable dick expecting too much from them all of the time, it can't always be about me.

The reason my attempts to get a partner are because people can sense the kind of unhappiness that I was radiating. I can sense it from other depressed individuals so I don't know why I thought people didn't see it in me. It's not attractive

Ultimately, I put too much of my happiness in what other people do/think and it is the one thing I can't control. I just need to do right by me, take it one day at a time and be there for the worthwhile people in my life.

This was a rather rambling tirade but I just felt like sharing a positive story. Clichťd as it may sound, it does get better and once you off yourself you can't undo it. It took me reaching the bottom to realize this and I hope no one else here needs to go that far.

I dont know what to do. I have been assessed by the Government because I am claiming ESA. I rely on ESA to be able to help with travel costs to see my councillor and a couple of friends that live a long way away. In the assesment I needed to score 15 points to qualify for ESA, I scored 0

I scored 0 points because I turned up! No word of a lie.

They even compiled a list of my questions, answers and their opinions (given its an assessment).

Example:
Q. How do you find interacting with New people, face to face.
My A. I find it difficult because I struggle to communicate as I can't relate to them and I feel anxious because I struggle with communication and making my self understood.

Their opinion: I went through the assessment and spoke with the assessor without difficulty, zero point scored.

Now I did find it difficult, I did struggle to make myself understood and this has been ignored. However the point they make is that because I was able to go through the assessment, I score zero points.

Its a similar story for transport. Basically. How did I get to the assessment? I drove. Because I drove I have no issues with transportation, zero points scored.

Its the same again, and again and again. Every comment is base on the fact that I turned up, and went through the assessment. If I had not turned up, then I would have had my support cancelled.

There was no assessment, its a pre determined decision. I feel betrayed, confused and locked into a corner. I can't stop shaking at the moment. My councillor has told me to stop and not do anything for 24 hours so that I can get used to the desicion.

I know that I can appeal but phoning the DWP is at least a 30min (if your very lucky) on hold phone call, most times it is about an hour on hold, and if that is not enough on its own then add that our BT landline is fucked (since 17th Dec) so the only way to phone in is using mobiles. How do I pay for the cost of that call?

I can write in but I have written before and not heard any responce for weeks if not months. Even if the appeal process is heard, it can take months also.

Fucking Tories. No thought of people who need help, un elected pricks.

About 80% of appeals are upheld (for the appealer) - the system they're using is criminally poor and geared towards kicking people off benefits no matter what state they're in. There will be some real horror stories about this and the fate of people who didn't appeal in years to come, no doubt.

Write in with a signed-for letter - so they can't claim to have not received it.

There was a case highlighted on the news the other day about a girl who was declared fit for work and had her benefits cancelled who had such severe cerebral palsy she couldnt cross the road, wash or dress by herself.

But, apparently, she was fit for the workplace when it was was almost comically apparent to everyone but the assessor just how unfit for work she was.

romelpotter wrote:
I dont know what to do. I have been assessed by the Government because I am claiming ESA. I rely on ESA to be able to help with travel costs to see my councillor and a couple of friends that live a long way away. In the assesment I needed to score 15 points to qualify for ESA, I scored 0

I scored 0 points because I turned up! No word of a lie.

They even compiled a list of my questions, answers and their opinions (given its an assessment).

Example:
Q. How do you find interacting with New people, face to face.
My A. I find it difficult because I struggle to communicate as I can't relate to them and I feel anxious because I struggle with communication and making my self understood.

Their opinion: I went through the assessment and spoke with the assessor without difficulty, zero point scored.

Now I did find it difficult, I did struggle to make myself understood and this has been ignored. However the point they make is that because I was able to go through the assessment, I score zero points.

Its a similar story for transport. Basically. How did I get to the assessment? I drove. Because I drove I have no issues with transportation, zero points scored.

Its the same again, and again and again. Every comment is base on the fact that I turned up, and went through the assessment. If I had not turned up, then I would have had my support cancelled.

There was no assessment, its a pre determined decision. I feel betrayed, confused and locked into a corner. I can't stop shaking at the moment. My councillor has told me to stop and not do anything for 24 hours so that I can get used to the desicion.

I know that I can appeal but phoning the DWP is at least a 30min (if your very lucky) on hold phone call, most times it is about an hour on hold, and if that is not enough on its own then add that our BT landline is fucked (since 17th Dec) so the only way to phone in is using mobiles. How do I pay for the cost of that call?

I can write in but I have written before and not heard any responce for weeks if not months. Even if the appeal process is heard, it can take months also.

Fucking Tories. No thought of people who need help, un elected pricks.

Actually the Soviet healthcare system was reasonably excellent; at least on par with our own at the time (it declined during the 80s, but then so did the USSR in general). The Soviets had free universal healthcare, social care and disability support. If anything, the only flaw was a purely social one Ė anyone not fitting the standard model was socially excluded (but still cared for quite well). Itís been much worse in Russia for all social services since it stopped being Soviet - now people are excluded and given nothing.

As to a previous comment, I think youíll find that itís Labour who are mostly responsible for the state of our benefits and social services systems. However, the Torys havenít done much to fix it. Plenty of blame to spread around there.

Not that this is the place to mention either of those things I guess...

It is a fucking awful system but I feel I have to ask what disability you have? Because if you were able to get to the interview and converse with them, I'm curious as to what you need money for?

Apologies if it has already been stated and I've missed it. It is an awful system which I have had to help people through, it is a system which my mum is currently appealing. But it is strict because the previous system was too lenient.

Depression's a bastard. I've suffered with it in varying degrees since the age of about 18 (I'm 40 now). I spent years thinking I was just a miserable old sod but it's only been in recent years that I've acknowledged what it is. Worst thing is, I think i'm stuck with it as I have very little faith in any of the treatments. That said, I've been referred for CBT and I'll try and be open minded about that

SClaw wrote:
Actually the Soviet healthcare system was reasonably excellent; at least on par with our own at the time (it declined during the 80s, but then so did the USSR in general). The Soviets had free universal healthcare, social care and disability support. If anything, the only flaw was a purely social one Ė anyone not fitting the standard model was socially excluded (but still cared for quite well). Itís been much worse in Russia for all social services since it stopped being Soviet - now people are excluded and given nothing.

As to a previous comment, I think youíll find that itís Labour who are mostly responsible for the state of our benefits and social services systems. However, the Torys havenít done much to fix it. Plenty of blame to spread around there.

Not that this is the place to mention either of those things I guess...

Actually I was on about the inherently oppressive aspect of being caught in a system where you fail with either option, and the blame is placed on you.

nickthegun wrote:
There was a case highlighted on the news the other day about a girl who was declared fit for work and had her benefits cancelled who had such severe cerebral palsy she couldnt cross the road, wash or dress by herself.

But, apparently, she was fit for the workplace when it was was almost comically apparent to everyone but the assessor just how unfit for work she was.

That was panorama.

It's all down to fucking Atos healthcare. Utter fucking cunts the lot of them.

I have always refused to allow myself to be signed off because I have always been terrified of being shuttled into that horrid system. Im currently bricking it because it looks like im not going to have a choice anymore due to what we spoke about the other day romel.

I really, really feel for you. I wish I could offer some advice, but beyond speaking to Citizen's Advice Im not sure what to suggest. Have you considered speaking to MIND? Im sure they might have advisors able to help or will be able to point you in the right direction.

Its disgusting that they do this to people who are already at their wits end. It feels like deliberately taking advantage of the most vulnerable just because they can. The process of trying to apply for DLA isnt much better.

meme wrote:
My dad ran into that sort of shit - at the age of 64, a month after a triple-heart bypass, two months before he was retiring, he was informed he was "fit to return to work".

I mentioned it yesterday in the UK Politics thread, but one of the questions in PMQs yesterday was "can the PM confirm that Atos Healthcare has declared Richard III fit for work?"

As amusing as it was, it's not far off just how bad they are. Nick already mentioned the panorama thing last week with the woman with cerebral palsy and severe learning disabilities. There's also cases of terminally ill people being forced to look for work. The whole assessment system was declared unfit for purpose in an in-depth report a couple of years ago, which the government quickly swept under the carpet.

According to the news, another MP has come out today to criticise the back to work assessment. I would like to hope there's mounting pressure to severely overhaul it, but I simply dont see it happening as it doesnt follow the tory agenda to paint everyone with a disability as a faking fraudster.

To be honest I've always been a bit depressive. And it's always been accomplied by a dull, hollow feeling in my stomach. Does anyone else get this ? I ask as it's gotten really loud(if that makes sense) recently. To the point where I have not been able to sleep. All I can feel is this burning or hollowness in my stomach.

I think it might be a hope thing. You can cope with shit if you can see it getting better, but if you can't see it getting better, you're done for. I thought I had a friend who I could talk to, too but she just seemed totally overwhelmed by me and stopped replying to me. I don't blame her. She has her own shit to deal with. Stuff she thinks is probably much worse. But it's not great when you reach out and they don't reach back.

Also: I can't remember the last day that went by without me thinking about killing myself. The ritual has built up in my head like a movie. The driving at night. The sound of opening the car door. The spam of it shut. The walk down to the bridge walkway. Removing my shoes and socks. Climbing the low barrier gently, holding into the frame for stability. Curling y toes around the metal top of the barrier. Feeling the cold on the soles of my feet. Holding my arms out wide. And then dropping.

It's got to the point where I close my eyes and I see my form, as if like an outer body thing, tumbling into the sea. The lights of the shore cutting through the mist. I could paint a picture it's that clear. I think it might be inevitable. But you can't really tell people this. You can't say how you feel without being a self obsessed cunt.

To be honest, and I KNOW this isn't the place for this, I'm not sure when it will happen. I set a date, but at this rate I'm not even sure if ill reach that.