O.J. Simpson Stole the Cookies from the Cookie Jar

O.J. Simpson, the 66-year-old diabetic serving a 33-year sentence for armed robbery in Nevada, has apparently been caught stealing cookies from the prison cafeteria. According to sources with The National Enquirer, prison guards recently noticed Simpson hiding something under his “prison clothes” as he walked back to his cell after lunch.

After quizzing him (“who, me?”) Simpson revealed that he’d hidden over a dozen oatmeal cookies in his shirt and that he “just stood there with a goofy grin on his face as the guard kept digging inside his shirt and throwing the cookies on the floor.”

Simpson has allegedly been struggling with his diet and the “temptation of the cookies in the prison chow line was too much for him.” So he was understandably humiliated while being de-cookied in front of laughing prisoners but, like many of us, “eating his favorite foods is the only enjoyment he has left.”

The National Enquirer also reported in February that Simpson has “gone gay” in prison, so these stories, while magnificent, are probably less than trustworthy. Because real talk: who would risk a stay in the SHU for oatmeal cookies? Easily the stupidest cookies out there.