Saturday, September 25, 2010

The KKK are so mean, you guys. Not only are they racist, they apparently steal babies also. This is such a widespread problem in America that the Ramones sang a song about it and then Clawfinger covered it which I guess means the problem of baby-snatching white supremacists has spilled over into Scandinavia.

Anyhoo, this story of mine was recently published in a brand new online ‘zine called Out of Print. It is from our onenumber Injun countries so let us all Indian brothers and sisters send them so many stories and make them phamous.

Also, my chapbook called Three Scenarios Leading to the Rape of a Teenage Girl in the Tropicool Icy-land Urban Indian Slum is available from mud luscious press and they only printed a limited number of them and that makes this chapbook like Armani but not really. Keeping with the Armani motif, we are having a Wealthy And Upwardly Mobile Offer for the wealthy and upwardly mobile among us. The first three peepal to order a copy of my book starting like right now and I mean like RIGHT NOW will get one of these Armani-like chapbooks free. If you are so upwardly mobile that you don’t want to buy my book (which is mean and breaks my heart) then you can buy the chapbook all by its lonesome here. If you don’t want to buy anything and don’t own anything by Armani though you may have bought certain pavement items called Amrani , I’m sorry but we have no links for poor people to click.

In IndiaSoNotShining news, this article (if link doesn't work please to do the Google for ny times and nilanjana s. roy) tawks about a practice in our one number country called the ‘finger test’ which is used to check if alleged rape victims who are also unmarried women have really been raped or if they’re just having a bit of a laff. Also, being a progressive kind of country, in this year of 2010 we’ve also apparently decided to set up a committee to consider, among other things, that maybe boys and men get raped too! Isn’t that mindblowing? What cutting edge and progressive things will we think of next, India? That setting people on fire is generally not a good way to make new friends? Now, this same article talks about something called Section 354 of the Indian Penal Code, and that says “outraging the modesty of a woman” is against the law. This means that you can sexually assault a young girl and the most that will happen is you will get in big trouble for “outraging her modesty”. So it’s not so much a sexual violence thing as it is a ‘shame shame puppy shame’ thing. Isn't it neat how we take our morals and modesties so seriously? I mean, let us consider this petition It’s all about a really nice police officer who apparently was so steadfast in his moral policing of the modesties that he hit someone, made threats and humiliated people in public, all in the name of Tamil Culture. And while I am the last person with any right to speak on Tamil Culture, I have a very strong feeling Tamil Culture does not need peeps doing things like this in its name. I also have a strong feeling that Tamil Culture would appreciate if you sign the petition also. Remember that unlike the finger test, which only some of us leddies have to fear, moral policing, like dengue fever, can happen to pretty much anyone. And because I am chickenshit I want to say please moral police people, please don’t come after me for posting this because I am young and I want to live and I freely admit, I have no Tamil Culture so I think that means I am beyond saving but perhaps more importantly, please note that I don’t have any money.

Anyhoo, I recently watched a YouTube vid and came across a comment that was, without exception, the most awesomest comment I ever read. It goes something like this ‘Well I have a great sense of humor and I’m a very funny person and I don’t think this is funny.’ I feel we need to have moar peepal like this in the world so they can tell us what is funny and what isn’t. This also made me think of things I had read in the recent past which made me lolololo long time but in light of the awesome comment, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to find them funny at all.

I feel somewhat about the word ‘Other’. I feel somewhat about the fact that whoever is nonOther is called ‘Other’, like they have some kind of disease which means we have to put them over there in the Other ward away from the nonOthers. Which is why I sometimes like to think of The Other as a demonic breed of anchovies because sometimes that’s how they turn out in teh fictionz anyway and demonic anchovies sounds less offensive to me than Other. Anyhoo, I think we can all agree that the most demonic anchoviest of them all is Africa. Consider the fact that we continue to refer to people from Africa by their continent rather than their country. Binyavanga Wainaina took it upon himself to write this helpful article on how to write about Africa, which I thought was one of the funniest things ever. But apparently, writing about Africa is serious business and when you make fun of it, you’re being racist. Or something. Whatever, I thought it was hilarious but I’m still in racism jail so what do I know.

Why You Shouldn’t Find This Funny- There are probably peeps out there who actually have lists like this for writing about all sorts of demonic anchovy topics. I’m pretty sure there is a How To Write About Indian Slumdwellers list floating around and I believe this list has left the confines of our country and in keeping with the most powerful of all Indian aspirations, it has gone and settled in the West. Anyhoo, this piece caused Mr. Wainaina to be hit with an upgraded kind of concern trolling where the research and all the hard work is already done (which is awful nice because so many times, the Demonic Anchovy must do the research for the nonOther) and now, all the Demonic Anchovy has to do is say ‘Demonic Anchovy Approved!’ (I believe this is a portion of KalariNinjaSkillz #3). Mr. Wainaina himself describes it thusly “Novelists, NGO workers, rock musicians, conservationists, students, and travel writers track down my email, asking: Would you please comment on my homework assignment / pamphlet / short story / funding proposal / haiku / adopted child / photograph of genuine African mother-in-law? All of the people who do this are white. Nobody from China asks, nobody from Cuba, nobody black, blackish, brown, beige, coffee, cappuccino, mulatte. I wrote “How to Write about Africa” as a piss-job, a venting of steam; it was never supposed to see the light of day. Now people write to ask me for permission to write about Africa. They want me to tell them what I think, how they did. Be frank, they say, be candid. Tell it like it is. I have considered investing in a rubber stamp.” (from How to Write About Africa II: The Revenge by Binyavanga Wainaina)

This one is labeled satire and I’m guessing the label made it much easier for people to say ‘Well thankfully, I don’t read this kind of racist humor’ because clearly, she’s being totes racist to white peepal here. This is not like certain articles about Indian men that appeared in HuffPo that were totes NOT racist and which I am not linking to because that’s gross and also Google is your friend.

Why You Shouldn’t Find This Funny - To understand why you’re not supposed to find this funny, we need to understand what made the HuffPo article so LOL. It is a very LOL thing for someone who is not an Indian and not a dude to write something that is essentially LOL Injun Dudes Are So Injun! Because not only is it allegedly funny, it shows us that the author is not racist and loves all Indians very much. It’s the same thing that makes LOL Fat People Are So Fat!, LOL Females Are So Female! And LOL Deaf People Are So Deaf! jokes so terribly lol. Now, sometimes people will write something in the LOL genre but with the LOL removed. This means that the piece is written with an honest kind of earnestness which we are supposed to applaud and appreciate and not laff at because it’s totally NOT funny. So that means it's not funny to satirize it either because that would be like satirizing kittens with cancer.

What’s tricky is that you may have actually seen white people write stuff exactly like this for realz about colored folk. And for the record, I have heard Injuns say similar things about non-Injuns. I have heard one religion say this about another religion, one caste about another caste, straight folk about teh gayz, abled about the differently challenged. And they have all been honest and heartbreakingly sincere and the reason why they are sharing these honest and heartbreakingly sincere thoughts with us is because they are so brave to have ventured so boldly into demonic anchovy territory and come out unscathed. And now, it is our most honorable duty to give them a Cookie, because that’s really what this is all about. Cookies. It is possibly the most time-consuming and melodramatic way to ask for a cookie. Mmmm, cookies.

It’s not really fair to include Mrs.Mortimer here because unlike Deepa D and Binyavanga Wainaina, I don’t think she wrote this to be funny at all. In fact, I believe she was so serious about this that she kind of employed KalariNinjaSkillz #5 here, which means the credit for this worthy treatise kind of belongs to Jesus, which kinda sucks for Jesus. From what I understand, Mrs. Mortimer wrote this, which is a religious children’s travelogue type thing about Africa, China and Hindoostan and all sorts of other places but she didn’t actually leave the Shire, as they say. She even says in preface “Its plea is not completeness, nor comprehensiveness, nor depth of research, nor splendor of description; but the very reverse,—” Which totes wouldn’t happen today, right? Amirite?

Why You Shouldn’t Find This Funny –I think that Mrs. Mortimer honestly believed the native heathens she wrote about really existed out there in the Far Off and they needed to be saved and she knew just how to save them. Which is condescendingly lol when you sit in 2010 and know that Mrs. Mortimer is safely tucked away in the 1800s. However. This is not funny when you consider that many people in the today still feel the same way about us heathens. And that's actually kind of touching, like how people tracking you down and cutting you open to remove the alien being they think is living in your large intestine is touching. And I guess because some peeps still think this way, they still write this way and the only real difference between them and Mrs. Mortimer is teh internetz. For instance, we no longer say things like ‘The Turks are grave and the Persians lively. The Turks are silent, the Persians talkative. The Turks are rude, the Persians polite’ anymore. But we write things in the HuffPo that are for a LOL and about Injuns because we're all really scared of Turks and Persians right now. In this century, we totes do not talk about the ‘devil priests of Ceylon’. But we make movies called Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom which shows Injuns making human sacrifices to the Goddess Kali and eating monkey brains. Mmmm, monkey brains.

Because this blog post is already too long, I end with this extremely important message. A reliable source tells me that there is a very little dude in Pondicherry hawking very little bags with great enthusiasm and violence while shouting ‘Indian Culture!’ So for those of you who were wondering where Indian Culture is, this very little dude in Pondicherry haz it in bag form and you can go get some if you want.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Phustly, we have the results of the Kumari Loves A Monster Come On Repeatty Repeatty Contest. Here’s what the judges had to say about the entries in general.

This has been very very tough. All the entries have been yenna maadri cannot tell! Justin Beiber's in the well. Are you in the same well too? Laddos comma Raj Bhog just for you!

Greatest fun to read and re-read and re-read all entries. Thanks very much for contributing and participating.

Rashmi and Shyam

And now we all say the very many CongratulationGreetings to the winner of the Kumari Loves A Monster Come On Repeatty Repeatty Contest, Radhika Venkatarayan who sent in the awesome entry you see below.

And here is what the judges had to say about this so much winning entry.

WAH! Please if you are doing more like this we would like to see and say WAH! again

The illustrious Radhika Venkatarayan will receive a signed copy of Kumari Loves A Monster which we all agree is way better than ponies, but maybe not better than very small ponies that could fit in the palm of your hand because that would be really cool to have a pony like that. Also, CongratulationGreetings to Malarvizhi Jayanth and Pavithra Srinivasan who are the runner-ups. Runners-up. Runners-ups. Whatever. These two other people also sent in neat entries which the judges were so much appreciating also and we are posting here so all can appreciating also.

Malarvizhi Jayanth’s Entry

Kumari was waiting at the Vaanavil busstop for an uncrowded 23C because she wanted to go to the Museum and put scary pose in front of the dinosaur like Rashmi and Shyam and was also reading Zero Degree in Tamil because only annoying I'm-Tamil-but-I-can't-read-Tamil people will be reading the English translation that was published by Blaft and was feeling like her brains were being made into kothu parotta by Charu Niveditha. Trying to unscramble her brain, she looked around. And saw the monster next to her. He was reading Moonward and chuckling and weeping by turns. "Is that a good book?" she asked him.Judge’s Comments

(k's sloppy and possibly wholly incorrect translation- one more suspense knot you have brought inside the story)

Pavithra Srinivasan’s Entry

Kumari is a sad, sad person. Facebook has bouquets and pigs. Twitter is full of precious birdies. Her husband watches mega-serials like “Where is My Pondatti?’ and weeps. Her mother-in-law gifts her coffee vadikattis. Her neighbour pays her current bill. Her children always get first rank in school.

“Where are the monsters?” Kumari rages. Not on the roads. Not at home. Not in her dreams. Desperate, Kumari googles for monsters. So many choices! So delightfully gory!

She slurps as she gazes fondly at Jabba the Hut. He winks. “Oh my darling fat one,” she coos.” And starts writing fan-fiction.

Judge’s Comments

I wish I also came first in class at least once :( Jabba the Hut and Kumari ?! - quick get me George on the phone! "Hello Lucasfilm's office aa? Vanakam Chennaiyilirundhu pesuren, George Sir kitta konjam naan pesalaama?")

I also want to say that I am honestly sohappy that this contest got more than zero entries because I was thinking that maybe no one would enter. It is interesting to note that some other peepals of my acquaintance also had similar feelings about this contest. So I want to say, from the bottom of my pancreas, thank you thank you thank you to those who took the time to create something and enter this contest. I hope you all find your monsters.

Also, the illustrious Koala lover and writer Alec Patric interviewed me at Verity La. I like this interview verymuch. I feel moar interviewers should ask questions like Alec Patric because then the interview will be moar funner and better for everyone.

Also, I like M.I.A’s song Teqkilla very much and very much better than XXXO, which I actually didn’t like at all because it reminded me of being stuck in one of those rickety private buses that are plastered with dark velvet upholstery and mirrors and posters that say ‘female is most deadly of all species’ and it smells like phenol and cheap perfume but mostly like phenol. While Teqkilla thankfully did not invoke any of that for me, it did cause slight nausea and disorientation when I listened to it on loop but maybe atonal compositions can sometimes have that affect.

Also, there will be no blog post on coming Saturday so don’t do drugs unless you’re really good at them.

okbai.

*****

K- I’m not phonestalking you.

S- Calling me eight million times a day and putting on the MunniBadnaamSong is phone stalking. It’s Bollywood terrorism.

K- Why do you think it’s me? Who would do something creepy and weird like that?

S- YOU would.

K- I don’t understand why you keep saying this.

S- Because the calls come from your phone and I can hear you singing in the background.

K- Oh.

S- You are phonestalker phail.

K- I’d really love to ask a white person what they think of that song. Do you know any white people?

S- Let me guess. You’re going to say ‘Ohai White People! Listen to this song and kindly give me the feedbacks. I am from India.’

K- Yes. Or maybe I could find some white people on the internet.

S- I think you should do this. You should hang up and go find white people on the internet and not talk on the phone.

K- Ok, imma go find some.

S- By the by,

K- Yes, what man? Come on, tell fastly.

S- By the by, if you phonestalk me again with that song I will come over there and shove your phone up your nose.

K- Ew.

S- Seriously.

K- Ok.

***

K- I can’t find any white people on the internet! I Googled ‘where can I find white people’ and it was phail.

S- I can’t believe that didn’t work.

K- I KNOW! The internet must be broken. I also Googled the English translation for MunniBadnaamSong. Did you know that Munni Badnaam Hui means ‘Munni goes infamous’?

S- Is that the right translation?

K- It was on the internet so it must be true. Munni goes infamous.

S- Is that like going hungry? Is the song about famine?

K- Could be. Or it could mean she is becoming criminals.

S- Like Bandit Queen.

K- I actually thought the song was about almonds. Doesn’t ‘badnaam’ mean almond?

S- I think that’s ‘badaam’.

K- That’s not the same thing?

S- Apparently not.

K- Why not? Sounds same only. Munni Badaam hui. Munni Badnaam Hui. See? Same only.S- Ok, we’re going to end this conversation right now.K- Maybe ‘badnaam’ is a bad almond. Maybe the song is about food adulteration.

S- Either we end this conversation now or the phone becomes lodged within your nasal passages with great force and violence.

K- You’re really mean. And I didn’t even put the song on also.

S- Hang up now. For your own good only I am saying.K- By the by,

S- Shut up your face and hang up.

K- By the by,S- I’m not kidding.K- Ok.

***

S- Did someone die? Because I can’t think of any other justifiable reason for you to be calling me at this time unless someone is dead or the Americans have finally invaded our one number country.K- I want to know something. In the MunniBadnaamSong,

S- You have got to be kidding me.

K- There’s this line that apparently means ‘Became cinema hall for you darling’.

S- YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!

K- I’m curious to know if that is a sexual metaphor or is it symbolic of the fascination that our country has for the cinema combined with the objectification of Woman or is it a reflection of the fatalistic outlook of the common man?

S- Why don’t you go fuck yourself?

K- Does that mean you don’t know?

S- WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??

K- You can just say you don’t know if you don’t know. I won’t judge you.

S- I’m going to give you three seconds to hang up. If you don’t, your cell phone is going to go places it has never gone before.

K- You are a shameful shame. You don’t know anything about the item numbers in the Mother Tongue of yours one number country. You have no sense of Indian culture and value. I bet you are a woman also. By the by.

S- Oh hell no.

K- By the by,

S- WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU??

K- By the by,

S- WHAT?!?

K- By the by. There’s also this line that goes ‘Hai jama ishq da ishq da parcha re’, only he doesn’t say ‘ishq’, he says ‘isk’. Like you know how some people say deospray is iskisk? ‘Why you smell so bad?’ ‘Oh I forgot to do iskisk today’ Like that he says. I don’t think he means deospray though. S- I’m hanging up now.

K- Why?

S- Because I am going to come over there and shove your phone up your nose and set you on fire.

K- What fire? You never said anything about fire. If you come over here, I’ll cry. I’ll cry and snot will come out of my nose and it will be really gross for you. Hello? Wow. Munni fullviolence hui. God, I love that song.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

The ‘hello yellow ladies’ part of the blog post title comes from a Vivek comedy routine but I can’t remember which movie but it was the funniest thing ever and I often derived amusement from greeting people in this manner. Some of them would actually say ‘ohai my frahnds!’ back and lo! you knew you had found kindred spirits or perhaps you’d just come across peepal hanging out with a lot of alcohol but that too is kindred spirits so it’s all good.

The Kumari Loves A Monster Come On Repeatty Repeatty Contest we will get to a little later. First I want to talk about Leslie Hall. I believe she has a lot in common with Wilbur Sargunaraj because like Mr. Sargunaraj, she is phamous on teh internetz, she is awesome and I don’t understand why she isn’t moar phamous. And just as Wilbur Sargunaraj fiercely upsets people who have You-Bring-Shame-To-All-Indians-With-Your-BlahdyNahnsense Disease, Leslie Hall fiercely upsets people who are BodyMass Impaired. These are the sadsad people who cannot read, watch, listen or do anything without being violently affected by the body mass of the person whose work they are reading, watching or listening to. So for those who are not BodyMass Impaired, maybe you can so much enjoy this and this and this and this. For those who are BodyMass Impaired, wow sucks to be you. Like, seriously.

And now, I have the most exceedingly exceeding honor to present one of the most important interviews ever conducted in the sphere of contemporary Indian writing literariness. This interview features the great Indian literary literarians Rashmi Ruth Devadasan and Shyam, author and illustrator respectively of Kumari Loves a Monster, one of the most seminal works of contemporary ethnic traditional pop culture in India, the phust of its kind also.

As you can see by the picture, these are very serious-minded peepal. Which is why we will be discussing serious-minded things like the post-colonial, feminist and post-modern themes present in the work as well as a deconstruction of the symbolism of the Monster. Finally, readers are in for a special treat as we explore the connection between the word ‘Monster’ and the word ‘Mogappair’ and how these connections are significant in terms of the underlying themes of poverty and Third World Otherness.

If Kumari Loves A Monster had a soundtrack, what songs would be on it?

R- I really did not have a song in mind while we were working on the book, however the tune the deadly duo of Vedanth and Anjana have sung for the book trailer is pretty great! An 80's disco ballad which I feel is the ideal sound track for KLM :) For some strange reason though I feel most of the monsters if they broke into song would sound like James Earl Jones- deep, sonorous...S- Hmmm, I did not really have any song running through my head, it was more vasanam (dialogs) between both of them that would keep crossing my mind ...

(k- I think the Munni Badnaam Hui remix should be on the soundtrack. Not that anyone asked me. But I am telling anyway.)

If Kumari Loves A Monster was a movie, who would play Kumari?

R- I would look for a 'new face' ma. Must have many skills like being proficient in crochet, archery, rangoli, under-water singing, long distance knife throwing, fruit carving, ship building and dialog delivery.

S- Sneha. Though more than the Kumari I would be interested in the casting of the monsters! I would definitely like to play one, after all they are very sweet, gentle and loving.

What is your favorite Kumari Loves A Monster illustration and why?

R- Indhu kelvi romba tough, I have a vaathu called Macduff! Favorite KLM - the one with the Kumari in the hammock with her beau. I love his many bubble eyes and pink tipped tapering snout and his external gills. The beau is just so crazy looking! But also favorites are the library monster with his lichen texture skin, and the night time piggy back ride monster and the ... see all are my favorites ya.

S- The Kumari sharing a yelaneer (tender coconut) with the monster. That for me is an unmaiyaana kaadhal (true love) moment. When you share food with the one you love that is one of the sure indications of the love between the two. The Kumari is looking at the monster with such intense feeling, you can see they are one. Also this one made me smile a lot while I was painting it. I thought to myself isn't Kumari worried about sharing a drink with this creature? But as you can see she is not, she is full enjoying the experience.

What would have happened if Kumari hadn’t fallen in love with a monster?

R- She would have been bored and sad and moved to the Bikini Islands where she would have taught kolam, koothu dancing and Silambam classes. She would have become an insomniac wondering where and wondering when she will find her true love. Because of the insomnia she would go for long walks during the night all over the islands.

S- No, nothing else would have happened. Kumari's destiny is to fall in love and be with the monster, there is no alternate ending for her. She has only one destiny.

(k- I’m sorry about misleading everyone on the exploration of the connection between the word Monster and the word Mogappair and how these connections are significant in terms of underlying themes of poverty and Third World Otherness. Because that obvs did not happen. Or maybe it did symbolically.)

And now, I present to you the Kumari Loves A Monster Come On Repeatty Repeatty Contest! Why is it called the Kumari Loves A Monster Come On Repeatty Repeatty Contest? Because I think it’s superawesome when people say ‘come on repeatty repeatty.’ This contest is the best thing ever. You don’t have to give us any of your internal organs nor do you have to kill anyone, not even yourself. All you have to do is tell us how Kumari met her monster. And why would you do this? Because if you do and Rashmi and Shyam like it, YOU WILL WIN A FREE AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF KUMARI LOVES A MONSTER ZOMG PONI3S!!!!

Eckshully you don’t win any ponies but you win a free autographed copy of the book, which is way better than ponies.

Rules and regulations are as follows.

1. Please tell us how Kumari met her monster in 100 words or less, put the words My Awesome Kumari Loves A Monster Come On Repeatty Repeatty Contest Entry in the subject line and mail it to kuzhali.ehm@gmail.com. If you don’t like words, please draw us a picture showing us how they falled in the love and send it. If you don’t like words or drawing and prefer interpretive dance or song, please make a video or audio of the same and send us a link (do not send the file. This will make us very sad.). Contest deadline is Thursday Sept. 9, 1 pm.

2. The winner will be chosen on the basis that Rashmi and Shyam like it bestest. This is as free, fair and scientific as it gets. So whatever.

3. The winner will be announced on Saturday Sept 11. Also the winning entry will be posted along with the two runner-up entries so everyone may partake of the awesomeness.

4. I want to say that your chances of winning this contest will be greatly increased if you actively avoid douchebaggery in text, visual and audio form. By that, I mean you should avoid sending in entries like this-

Kumari met a monster because she is a woman and women are fat/gay/ Indian/American/ this religion/that caste/ speaks English/doesn’t speak English/ retarded/ the worst thing ever.

Kumari met a monster because men are fat/gay/ Indian/American/ this religion/that caste/speaks English/doesn’t speak English/ retarded/ the worst thing ever.

Kumari met a monster because she is Hindu. If she was Christian or Muslim, she would have won Padma Bhushan.

Kindly do not propagate nonsense stuffs like Kumari met a monster as this is not a part of our Indian culture.

Ok, the last two are kind of awesome. But I’m sure you’ll agree that phust two are wust two and should be avoided at all costs because you gotta be innit to winnit homibabas. I hope someone will send in something. Because it will be so sad to have this awesome contest and have no one enter. That would be the saddest thing ever.

About Me

Kuzhali Manickavel is the author of the short story collections 'Insects Are Just like You and Me except Some of Them Have Wings' and 'Things We Found During the Autopsy', both available from Blaft Publications. She also has an email id and it goes like kuzhali (dot) ehm (at) gmail (dot) com