This is an open and unfiltered diary-style journal
on the life of James Robert Smith.
This blog will contain sometimes graphic experiences (both beautiful and ugly),
sometimes stark insight, and all honest and factual documentation of dreams, diet, activity, and thoughts.

Pages

Dream: It’s almost nighttime and I’m walking down the street with two other people. We have to cut around a ghetto area where a bunch of hoodlums are prancing around. We start walking around a building and these kids follow us. I’m carrying my backpack and my laptop case. I turn around and notice they are attempting to steal things out of my bags. I scold them. We get to a narrow brown building and two of us have to wait inside for someone. The front wall is missing so everyone can see what’s going on. There’s a lot of hookah smoke in the air in the wooden room we’re waiting in. An Indian Chief walks out to meet us. He’s wearing a huge feathery brown hat. We’re supposed to negotiate something with him. I look back and the kids have taken out my laptop and they’re playing with it. I run over and snatch it from them scolding them once again. ☼☼☼☼☼ I’m back in that same wooden room waiting for the Indian Chief. This time I’m wearing a feathery hat of my own. He walks out to meet us and notices me. I hope it impresses him so we can fulfill the negotiation. All of a sudden I see the other two guys that were with me standing there naked while these Indians inspect their genitalia for imperfections. The scene switches to the other side of the building where the same thing is happening to Jacob Marshall and Hae-jin. They lock Hae-jin in this room hidden behind a wall of mirrors. I’m in the room with her but only as an observer. She experiences all these dreadful feelings of loss and embarrassment. The lights are flashing on and off. At the end of the room she is forced to watch a video of Jacob. In the video, he’s standing faced away from the camera wearing a black t-shirt and blue jeans. A ghost hand is moving up and down underneath the back of his jeans. I can see the outline of the hand. It’s a really disturbing image to Hae-jin for some reason. I feel bad for her and want to do something about it.

I grab the PA system from the storage unit and prepare the house for Show N Tell Night.

Lunch: Egg Salad Sandwich, Baked Lay’s, Honey Green Tea.

Work at China Wok.

Dinner: leftover Mushroom Chicken and Rice with Ginger Ale.

SHOW N TELL NIGHT: We have at least 60 or 70 people show up. A dozen dazzling performances including songs, poetry, phonetic experiments, story telling, comedy, and dreams. There’s an after-performance in the attic by a band called Bears of Blue River. It’s wonderful seeing all these people, these friends, this creative community. It’s a truly successful Show N Tell. The band and a few couch surfers sleep over and will continue their travels in the morning.

Dream: I walk into a warehouse full of toilets. It’s everything you’d imagine a dirty bathroom to look like but with at least 50 more commodes. I push through a saloon door that takes me down a narrow path to a toilet. As I relieve myself, I notice a few art pieces on the ground and I realize I’m in an art gallery. I turn around and there are 4 or 5 different keyboards and synthesizers set up. I start hitting the keys and buttons. There are specific sounds I remember from another keyboard in another dream. A guy comes up and offers to show me how to use the instruments. ☼☼☼☼☼ There’s a performance in a gym. A DJ is spinning. And next to him, Robb Esperat is singing this R&B song and swaying his arms in a funny way. Beforehand, Robb convinced all these people to be apart of this new music project. I’m holding this belt attached to metal rings. I stretch the belt out and a roaring drone emits from it as the rest of the music stops. It sounds like a camel. I end the performance. Robb thanks me and tells me I did a good job. Pete Chudzik is sitting next to me. “Oh! It’s Pete Chudzik!” I’m excited to see Pete.

Breakfast: Half a Bagel and half a Croissant with Apple Butter, Orange Juice, and Blueberries.

I stretch.

Elliott and Doug stop by and I eat an Egg Salad Sandwich, Baked Lay’s, and Honey Green Tea.

I attend the Madhatter Tea Party, a Splendid Halloween Revival. Long Island Tea and Wine. Old Friends and New Friends.

Alien Ants infest the bottom of one of my plants. I notice they have been coming through the openings around the window paneling. They’re attracted to dirt I guess and will find any way they can to invade the house. I use some caulk to cover up the cracks.

Dream: I’m a little kid graduating from some school. The faculty at the school are being jerks to the students. One of them is standing next to me shaking his finger mentioning something about how we all need discipline. I’m standing on top of a desk next to a door trying to give a speech to all of the kids. I tell the one standing by the door to relay the message because they are piling out of the doorway. “We are making history!” The kids laugh and get distracted with graduation. I shake my finger at them, “Keep standing up for what you believe in!” ☼☼☼☼☼ I’m looking around downstairs in the church, Freedom Fellowship, and one of the rooms is a recently abandoned McDonalds. I see a small “M” sign next to the door with some black spray paint on it. The school that I graduated from in the previous dream used this McDonalds as a cafeteria. I think to myself I should take photos of this and send it in to Adbusters Magazine. It felt like a victory.

Breakfast: Bagel with Cream Cheese, Orange Juice, Zinc and Vitamin E.

I went to work at China Wok but left as soon as I arrived because the other delivery driver wanted to work my shift. He came by in hopes I would let him take my shift because his girlfriend just had a baby and he had been out of work for a week. It was a little presumptuous on his part but I didn’t mind the time off.

Margot comes over and she makes Mushroom Chicken and Rice. I make the salad and we eat together on the card table. We go to Kmart to retrieve cookies and carrots. We find all of the rooms in the fitting room section are locked. Margot crawls under to get inside and try on some silly outfits. Sexy fun in the fitting room.

Phil, Margot, and I are on the couch. Phil decides to document what he sees and hears like a playwright.[ii]

The Weeping Camel [2003] is a beautiful film.

I eat some Apple Sauce with Cinnamon.

Margot stays over.

“Not everything is black and white. It’s the normal state of affairs.”

“I don’t think I can offer anything substantial for you.”

“Look, I don’t mind this.”

“But I don’t think we’re on the same page.”

“It doesn’t help that I’m attracted to you.”

“I like you, I do.”

“We all get lonely.”

I clean my teeth and shower.

Sleep around 6am.

[i] Lolita on her bed. Alexander Bergström

[ii] Friday: 12:42 AM FEBRUARY 26, 2010

I AM SITTING IN ROBERT'S LIVING ROOM.EMILY IS AT RICK'S WITH JOSE.MARGOT IS HANDLING DVDS. "A TRULY BEAUTIFUL FILM THE WHOLE FAMILY MUST EMBRACE"ROBERT IS IN THE KITCHEN.

HE SMACKS THE CAT.

"PECKER, ....., JOHN WATERS FILM, YOU CAN COUNT ON ME.....""LET'S WATCH THE X-FILES""HMMM""LET'S WATCH THE X-FILES.""HMMMO""WHY ARE YOU GOING TO SAY IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO WATCH IT?""YOU WANT TO WATCH THE X-FILES?"

MARGOT DECIDES SHE WANTS TO WATCH DAY OF LOVEROBERT PUTS X-FILES ONMARGOT IS PLAYING SCRABBLE.

ROBERT AND ART ARE TALKING IN THE KITCHEN.THE TV IS REALLY LOUD. IT'S TALKING ABOUT MALLER AND SCULLEY.THIS IS NOT THE MOVIE ITSELF. THIS IS SOME KIND OF DOCUMENTARY ABOUT THE X-FILES.MARGOT 'AWWWWW'S AT THE INDIAN MYTH OF A WHITE CALF.

MY MIND IS WATER SEEKING THE OCEAN. THE WATER IS STAGNANT AND CLOUDY. BUT NOW I HAVE REMOVED THE DAM. THE WATERS OF MY MIND WILL FLOW TO A DISTANT LAND, AND WILL SHAPE THE LAND THAT SHAPES IT. IT WILL CONVERGE WITH PARALLEL BODIES OF WATER. IT WILL BECOME STRONGER. IT WILL REPLACE THE SEDIMENT OF TODAY WITH THE SEDIMENT OF TOMORROW. MY MIND IS A RIVER.

"MY HEAD HURTS," MARGOT SAYS, AND MUMBLES SOMETHING ELSE.

LATER, SHE MAKES A NOISE, AND SAYS, "I WAS CALLING MY CAMEL."

ROBERT IS PLAYING WITH THE DVD MENU OF WEEPING CAMEL.

HE GOES AFTER AMBROTIOUS.

"I'M GOING TO LOCK YOU UP BECAUSE AS SOON AS I GET THOSE COOKIES OUT, YOU'RE GOING TO BE ALL UP IN OUR BUSINESS."

"THIRTEEN," MARGOT SAYS. "THIRTEEN."

"GREEN CHEESE. GREEN CHEESE."

IT STARTED.

ROBERT IS IN THE KITCHEN.

"I HAVE TO GET THE COOKIES," HE SAYS.

"I HAVE TO GET THE COOKIES," MARGOT MOCKS.

ROBERT REENTERS THE ROOM.

ALL ATTENTION IS PAID TO THE MOVIE. MARGOT WANTS A BLANKET.

ROBERT BEGINS READING THE SUBTITLES.

"I CAN READ," MARGOT EXCLAIMS.

MARGOT COMPLAINS ABOUT HER SHOES.

BOTH MARGOT AND ROBERT BEGIN LAUGHING ABOUT THE APPEARANCE OF CAMELS.

"I WANT TO RIDE IT," MARGOT SAYS.

"OKAY," ROBERT SAYS.

"LET'S GO TO EGYPT!"

"OKAY. THEY'RE STILL HOT"

"I WANT A COOKIE," MARGOT SAYS.

MARGOT ASKS ME IF I WANT A COOKIE.

"HOLD ON."

"NO?"

"HOLD ON."

"OKAY."

MARGOT AND ROBERT ARE TALKING ABOUT CAMEL FOOD. THEY DECIDE THAT WHAT THEY ARE SEEING MIGHT NOT BE CAMEL FOOD.

"THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD FILM TO SEE AT THE NARO," ROBERT SAYS.

"WAS IT AT THE NARO."

"I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY."

"I'VE NEVER BEEN TO THE NARO TO SEE A REAL FILM. BUT WE SHOULD GO SEE ROCKY HORROR."

MARGOT AND ROBERT CHEW COOKIES. THE SOUND INCREASES IN INTENSITY. I CAN TELL THAT THE COOKIES ARE SOFT AND HOT. I CAN HEAR THE TASTE OF THE COOKIES.

IF, WITHOUT EYES, WE CAN SEE WHAT WE HEAR, AND WE CAN SEE WHAT WE FEEL. AND WITHOUT EARS, WE CAN HEAR WHAT WE FEEL. AND WE CAN FEEL WHAT WE HEAR. AND TASTE WHAT WE SMELL. AND SMELL WHAT WE TASTE. AND FEEL WHAT WE TASTE. AND FEEL WHAT WE SMELL. THEN WE CAN HEAR WHAT WE CAN SMELL. AND WE CAN SEE WHAT WE CAN SMELL. THAN WE CAN SEE WHAT WE CAN SMELL. AND WE CAN TASTE WHAT WE CAN HEAR.

THESE, MY FRIENDS, ARE THE EMULATED SENSES.

I GET A COOKIE. I GET ANOTHER COOKIE. THERE IS MILD COOKIE DRAMA.

I ACCUSE ROBERT OF BEING RECKLESS.

"GO GET SOME RANCH," MARGOT SAYS.

"NO. I'M NOT THE FREAKING HOST OF THIS HOUSE."

MARGOT MAKES NOISES. ROBERT ADDRESSES ME AND DOES NOT COMPLETE HIS SENTENCE.

THEY MUMBLE.

THE CAMEL MAKES NOISES.

"HE'S WEEPING," ROBERT SAYS. "THAT'S THE NAME OF THE MOVIE. HE'S THE WEEPING CAMEL."

4:40pm I get up desperately out of bed. The dimming of the daylight startles me. I am a vampire. Unfortunately I have no thirst for blood.

Dream: Denzel Washington is chasing after Tom Cruise. I’m watching all this like a movie. Denzel is using public transportation and he’s on a train crossing a bridge. Tom is racing on a boat next to the train. Denzel gets up from his seat, opens the window, and somehow grabs a hold of something to jump off and land on a boat. ☼☼☼☼☼☼ I’m in my kitchen frying potatoes in a small skillet. They look more like lumpy egg rolls. There are two or three people that I’m cooking for. They are worried I am not making enough food. I keep assuring them that it’s sufficient but in my mind I know it’s not because the pan is small and there are only 5 or 6 potato lumps in the pan.

Breakfast: Hot Cream of Wheat Cereal with Blueberries.

I do a mystery shop for McDonalds and eat a Fish Sandwich and Fries.

I stop by Big Lots to get a surge-protected power strip and “Face to Face on High Places” by School of Seven Bells is playing on the store radio. I go next door to the thrift store and find Emily’s exact printer that broke a while ago for $10 along with Drugstore Cowboy [1989].

I change out some of the electrical outlets in the house because we lost power a few days ago and the surge destroyed some of our power adapters.

NBA Jam with Art: I win 4. Art wins 1.

Rocky makes me a plate of dinner called “Alien Taco”. See above photo for ingredients.

I continue organizing all of my music.

I stretch.

I eat an Apple Fritter while I watch The Talented Mr. Ripley [1999].

I have a lovely conversation with Cassandra Callaghan about cats, traveling, and other miscellaneous subjects.

Dream: In my house. I’m on the red couch with Elliot, Rocky, and Emily. We’re sitting in the dark and the only light is from the Christmas lights that are always on. There are two closet doors I keep opening up behind the couch. All of a sudden we hear this loud jungle beat coming from outside. It sounds as if someone is running around outside the house playing drums. The sound moves from the backyard around the side and eventually to the front door then stops. It was a scary moment. I tell everyone we should hide in the closets. Elliott crouches his head down and mentions how he’s tired and should go home. I tell him he can’t because it’s too dangerous. Later on I walk outside into the front yard with a girl that resembles Annelise Fabian or Shannon Taylor. She mentions something about how stubborn I am. It’s daytime now and I notice someone moved a shopping cart that was covering the mailbox. We walk around the side of the house where a big red gate is slightly open. We go through to look at all the horses. I can see Phil Gray and a few other people ahead of us. The ponies come up to us first. They act almost like dogs instead of horses. One of the ponies has a longer head than the others and his mouth looks more like an anteater’s mouth. It starts tickling my neck. I look up and on the roof are 5 horses standing on top of each other as if they were posing for a picture. Each of them are different colors like red, yellow, brown, and blue, similar to the horses in Wizard of Oz. I thought to myself, I wish I had brought my camera. We continue walking in the backyard where other horses are galloping around. I have to be cautious in case one of them crushes me. I walk over to a blue horse that is lying down with his head on the ground. I stroke the side of his neck and notice this tattoo or imprint that said something like, “Erreas: New York Company”. A white and grey cat is standing on top of him and I pet him too.

Breakfast: Starbuck’s Cinnamon Bun, Milk, Zinc.

The clothes dryer broke so I spent some time opening it up and found that the belt needs replacing.

Dream: It’s nighttime. I’m riding my long board while I lay on my stomach pushing through a storage unit facility making turns and using my hands to go faster. I see Kenneth, my landlord’s son. He’s fixing something on his van and moving all his belongings around in his storage unit. I pass him and I hear him start to say something to me like, “Whoa…that’s a cool thing to do…” But I didn’t want to stop because I knew he would talk my head off. Eventually I ride across the street and pull my board up to my side. I see Josiah sitting on the edge of a moat surrounding this building using his new Acer laptop. He’s wearing blue jeans and his legs are in the dirty water up to his knees. I can see the water line where the dirt has stained his jeans.

Becca and I continue our weekly Monday Waffle House meetings. I eat one Scrambled Egg and a Waffle, and two cups of Coffee. We talk about last week’s battles and events. We share some music and dreams back at her house.

Dream: I’m traveling in a 15-passenger van and it’s really hot. Joey DiNardo is in the very back where all the seats have been taken out. Zach Gehring, a Filipino guy, and I are sitting on the front row. Dave Elkins is driving with an unfamiliar girl that I think is Brandi Buckler in the passenger seat. We’re heading to Fargo, North Dakota. Brandi tells me the plan is to drive 13 hours north of Fargo into Canada to go hiking there. I mention something about how I hate to drive. Joey starts singing this really weird version of “Old MacDonald” and his voice has an intense vibrato to it. He’s kind of singing it in the Filipino’s ear. All of a sudden the Filipino turns around and starts yelling at Joey, “Stop singing in my face!” I thought his girlfriend was Brandi so I got the feeling he was angry because he couldn’t sit next to her. Joey continues singing with his hand pinching his nose so his voice sounds a little muffled and slowly crouches down still looking at the Filipino. I mention to the Filipino, “Hey, don’t worry about it. Don’t let him get to you.”Everybody in the van feels awkward at this point. I shout out in a playful kid voice, “Are we going to stop soon?!” Dave smiles and tells me, “Yes, Robert. We’re stopping at this 7-11.” We all get out of the van. The Filipino starts walking away into the gas station. And I notice Brandi is standing there beside the van door with her shirt pulled down so her breasts were showing. I make a joke to her, “Somebody’s boobs are showing!” She replies with something about buzzing all her hair off. I’m shocked, “But your long hair makes you look pretty.” Then we argue whether or not she had short hair when I first met her.

Felix, Aaron, Josiah, and I go to Hampton to conduct interviews for the Tokyo DVD over a Hibachi Grill at a restaurant called “Tokyo”. We order four Chicken Hibachi meals. Before we arrived, I sell a mattress and box spring I found the other day to someone in Hampton for $60. That pays for our dinner. Later we do individual interviews at 1623.

Dream: I’m in outer space as the leader of this troop in some far off galaxy. The weird thing is I’m manifested as this spacecraft made from balls of light. And these balls of light are trapped in a red spherical cage that make up this ship. I think I was controlling this from afar. There are about 6 or 7 other crafts like mine that follow my lead. I start releasing these balls of light as a weapon and it’s similar to a baseball machine at a batting cage that keeps shooting baseballs out over and over again.

“On behalf of my late client, Mr. Rolf Hoffmann of blessed memory, Executors and trustee of his Estates, I write to notify you that you are bequeathed the sum of twelve million, thirty thousand United States Dollars($12,030,000.00) in the codicil to his Will and last testament, for Charity works and humanitarian service. His will was read at Her majesty's Crown Court Probate Division(Registry)uk. December 6th, 2009, as the law stipulates, and it is in execution.You are hereby required by this notification to Confirm your ownership to this Legacy. l shall detail you on the procedure in benefiting this upon the receipt of your response via the email address and fax below;

Dream: I’m riding on this strange flat bed bus with no roof traveling through some city in India I think. Each person has their own seat with these miniature bookshelves holding stacks of colorful tiny books for your enjoyment while you wait. We start going down a very steep hill and the bookshelves tilt forward. A man’s hand reaches from behind me to hold the books in place. I help him and grab one of the small books. It fits in the palm of my hand. I try to read it but the type is too small. I can hear a recorded voice from a PA speaker identify all the stops the bus makes, “This is Shantytown. The next stop will be…” I look around at the terrain and I see old spherical buildings and mosques. My stop is a specific part of town that is popular because everybody gets off there. I start walking around and the natives try to sell me things. The sun is almost setting and everything around me is vibrating with these deep orange colors. It feels so real and beautiful.

Dream: I’m in a movie but kind of watching at the same time. Tom Cruise is acting as an FBI agent wearing an all brown army suit and Stephen Lang (from Public Enemies and Avatar) plays another FBI agent. There’s a power struggle between both of them. Cruise is giving a speech to all the other agents.

Lang butts in really loud at the end, “And we will not kill anyone in this operation!”

Cruise gets irritated and they start wrestling each other. Later, all the FBI agents are walking down the street in a suburban neighborhood. I become Tom Cruise. I see all these kids playing on the sidewalk and they start to follow us. I jokingly aim my fingers in a gun shape at some of them and make the sounds of a gun with my mouth pretending to shoot them. We finally get to our location and it’s a Wal-Mart. The parking lot is huge. There are people camping out, playing football, skateboarding, etc. I tell everyone to split up...

My dreams are hard to remember but my Mom tells me about a dream she had:

I’m on my hands and knees in the middle of a grassy field and I’m groping on the ground searching for something. She is standing nearby me sort of translating everything I say and feel to all these people around us. I continue looking frantically for whatever it is I’m looking for. I keep telling her, “It’s urgent! It’s urgent!” She attempts to relay this by yelling the same thing to everyone in the field, “It’s urgent! It’s urgent! It’s urgent!” She wakes up repeating this in her bed.

Breakfast: Bagel with Butter and one side with Apple Butter and the other side with Strawberry Jelly, Orange Juice, Zinc and Vitamin E.

I stretch and exercise.

Lisa Castillo and I eat Vietnamese Noodle Soup from Phở 79 then get a few hot glazed Doughnuts from Krispy Kreme. I get a free Caramel Frappuccino from Emily’s Starbucks.

Band practice with Josiah, Chad, and Bart. It’s our first time playing with Bart on drums. We haven’t heard from Josh in almost a month so we decided to give Bart a try.

Dinner: Grilled Cheese with a Tomato and Honey Black Oolong Tea.

NBA Jam with Art: 2-1

Margot brings over Public Enemies [2009]. I must say I am thoroughly impressed with this film, the camera work, the intensity of every shot, and consistent characters.

I clean my teeth, listen to some music on The Hype Machine, then sleep at 5:45am.

Dream: My Landlord’s son Kenneth is on the front porch of my house. I have a long tree branch in my hand with a blue handkerchief wrapped around it. It belongs to Kenneth but I decide to place it on this flagpole in the yard and attach a flag to it that displays some statistics on residency in Virginia Beach. As well, there is an American Flag that I have to move to the other side of the yard. He helps me fix everything up.

I brew some Oolong and Black Tea to drink for the rest of the week and eat a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

I have much to write on. My head is strained and my current state is frustration. I can’t articulate my words because of how flustered I am. It shocks me how I cannot better explain my perspective. I’m learning so little about myself the more I learn about myself. You believe you are better than me? I’m no better than anyone. If all you wanted was comfort then why didn’t you just ask? Love. Hate. Love. Hate. Love. Hate. Love. Hate. Love. Hate Love. Hate.

Dream: On tour…I’m with most of the Mae crew in Atlanta playing at The Masquerade but it looks entirely different and smaller. I’m explaining to someone how there’s a Heaven stage, a Hell stage underneath, and a Purgatory stage. All of us are standing inside the Heaven room by the entrance. A big black curtain is drawn across the stage and on either side there are ominous looking stairs that curve around. I tell David Pogge that him and Aaron Lachman could be brothers because they look alike and act alike. Aaron walks up to us. I notice both Aaron and Pogge are wearing black t-shirts and blue jeans.

Me: “See! I told you. You guys could be brothers.”

These girls come up to the group and they’re friends with some of us. Josiah and I are standing by waiting to introduce ourselves. All of a sudden everybody starts running out the front door to head to our hotel rooms. Ben Haines hops on my back and I give him a piggyback ride down the stairs. At first it’s difficult because he’s bigger than me and then I surprise myself and run with ease out the door and into the hotel. We run up and down the stairs never actually reaching the rooms.

Breakfast: Bagel with Cream Cheese, Orange Juice, Zinc and Vitamin E.

I pack a Peanut Butter and Strawberry Jelly Sandwich, Baked Lay’s, and Honey Green Tea for lunch as I run some errands.

I go to drink a swig from my tea mug and an ant appears in my mouth.

I stretch and exercise to Blue Skies – Noah and the Whale, Light of the World – Pattern is Movement and Heaven’s on Fire – The Radio Dept.

Dinner: Cabbage & Potato Skillet, Edamame Soybeans.

I pick up Becca from work and we continue our weekly Monday Nights at Waffle House. It’s the second time and it already feels like we’ve been meeting like this for years. It’s a tradition I hope lasts for a long time. It’s refreshing. We recap the conflicts of the past week/weekend and share our stories. I record our conversation on my digital recorder and we send messages to our future selves 10 years from now.

Becca’s message to herself: “I’m 23 now. I’m actually gonna be 24 next week…pretty soon. What I’m saying to you is…I thought that, by this age, I knew where I would be and I knew where I’d be in life. But…um…now that I’m here, I don’t. And I don’t really have a clue. So I can’t really assume anything. I would just say…keep living life…and…be…be you.”

My message to myself: “Hey Robert. You’re listening to this right now. Um…I’m staring at a plate of grits, eggs, toast, and jelly and a spoon. And I’ve just had two cups of coffee and an amazing waffle…and I’ve forgotten how delicious waffles are from Waffle House. And I really respect them. And I want you to eat a waffle today. Okay? Uh…this is kind of exciting cause I’m talking to you and you’re in the future 10 years from now. So I really hope that you’re living well. I hope that me, your past, can get you to where you are today.”

I eat a Waffle and drink two cups of Coffee with Cream and Sugar.

At home, I snack on Goldfish, Blueberries, and an Orange. Then I shower and clean my teeth.

Dream: I’m at a gas station at night. My Dad is in the car next to a pump, I’m standing outside near the car, and my Mom is sitting on the ground close by. My Mom seemed sad and I’m scolding my Dad for the way he treated her in the past. I mention something about how he should share American cheese with her.

Margot and I go to Doc Taylor’s at the beach for breakfast: I eat French Toast, Scrambled Eggs, Bacon, and Orange Juice.

I get two Valentine’s Day cards in the mail from my Mom. Every significant holiday she never fails to include a funny one along with a serious one.

In the serious one she says, “Even when I am gone I know you will know my love is with you.”

This is the first time death has ever been mentioned in her cards. I’ve thought about this before but it hit me again. My eyes and stomach feel heavy and my hands a little shaky. The idea of her physical presence being unavailable to me is a cut straight through the heart. She’s the closest person I have. The older you get the more and more you appreciate your family.

Work at China Wok. I pack some leftover Cabbage & Potato Skillet with Honey Green Tea for dinner.

I get a ticket for running a stop sign (my first ticket in at least 5 years).

I eat a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal.

Everyone comes over for our Un-Valentine’s Day get-together. Teeth [2007] and The Big Lebowski [1998] are enjoyed on TV.

Dream: I’m in some part of Africa walking barefoot through a village on a soft muddy path. Every now and then my feet step in random patches of smashed pumpkin. There are small shacks along the side and black locals are trotting on the same muddy path with me. I’m the only white person but no one really notices me. My house is at the end of the road. ☼☼☼☼☼ I’m working at China Wok but it looks different. I’m on the phone with John Flowers. He’s mad at me for some reason. A few customers come in. None of my managers are around so I have to take their orders. They order Orange Chicken and start asking questions about the ingredients. I tell them I usually just deliver so I can’t answer. ☼☼☼☼☼ Still in Africa, I’m delivering some Chinese food in an apartment complex. It’s kind of snowy and it’s nighttime. I see the silhouettes of about 6 black kids in the doorway. The mother comes out and she’s this small fat lady with really flabby skin. We make the transaction and I walk out. But I come back in to ask her something, “Do you know if it’s going to rain tomorrow?” I was really concerned about the weather and getting back home. ☼☼☼☼☼ My Mom, Jimmy, and I are traveling through this same location in Africa. We see different houses and shacks on a beach. People are standing outside their houses. The further down we go the bigger the houses get and the richer the people seem to be. Now we’re walking on a pier but it’s enclosed. It’s sort of an aquarium. There’s a bunch of families and tourists gathering in a room. I see a tank full of these colorful cartoonish looking fish. The fish are about the size of beanbags and have abnormally big eyes with very sharp teeth. A guy is throwing a basketball into the tank and everybody is amused because the fish gnash at the ball thinking it is food. He keeps doing this over and over again. It looks scary and you can hear the sounds they make. I try to show my parents but my Mom is taking a nap through all of this.

I’m very angry at Ambrotious because he knocked over one of the plants while I was sleeping and chewed on the leaves! I scold him and lock him in the bathroom as discipline.

Dream: I’m in an unfamiliar house and I receive a text message from Marleigh. The text includes a very specific list of everything I’ve accomplished that day. There’s even a few pictures attached with lots of colors. I was impressed with her accuracy. So I walk into the living room where Marleigh and her friend Emily Jones are sitting and I ask Marleigh kind of jokingly, “Do you want to be my secretary?” Emily talks about how Marleigh had been looking for a job. I explain, “I don’t have a lot of money but I can pay you a little something. And you’ll have shelter.” At this point the option is intriguing to her and both of them discuss it. (I have only met Marleigh and Emily Jones once in waking life.)

Work at China Wok is extra long. Tips are decent. A Banana and a Granny Smith Apple tide me over.

Dinner: Vegetable Lo Mein.

I eat a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal.

Game Night at Rick’s Café: Sequence, Egyptian Rat Screw, Speed, Scrabble, Phase 10, Uno, and the Card Guessing Game (Kudos to Marleigh for guessing the 2 of spades!)

I eat Garlic Toast and Blueberries.

That distinct odor, strong. It almost smells like tomatoes. In ecstasy, in a sexual fire. Touch here. Touch there. It doesn’t matter for all the physical geography has been discovered. Over and over again. Welcome back to the cycle of Love/Hate. The story of St. Valentine is a tragedy. Valentine’s Day is about tragedy. Without tragedy, life is without structure or valour. Maybe you don’t believe in meaning but that is precisely what tragedy gives us. You wanted me. I wanted you. I warned you.

My dream: I’m swimming in a crowded public pool and it’s like a movie I’m watching but I’m there in person viewing all these scenes. I hear a narrator discussing these actors, one of whom is William Fichtner (he played in Contact as a blind man named Kent) and the other a nameless actor I’ve never heard of. William Fichtner is supposed to replace the other actor because of an accident he was in. I can see the whole right side of the nameless actor’s face. It looks like it was burnt off and healed over, very white and bumpy. His nose looks contorted as if someone took a pan and slapped his face creating a permanent indentation. I see him sitting along the side of the pool with a surfboard. He looks sad and he starts paddling around in the water. All of a sudden I see William Fichtner jump in with his surfboard. He starts paddling over to me with haste. I’m wading in the deep end by the corner and I lift myself up on the edge to avoid getting bumped into. All of sudden his face is near my lap and I feel an uncomfortable vibration in my private area. He’s blowing puffs of air there. I want to move away but for some reason I know that if I do it will feel worse. So I wait for him to stop. When he does stop I attempt to move away but he blows one last breath with a teasing sort of smile.

Breakfast: Bagel with Butter and Strawberry Jelly, Coffee with a little Sugar and Cream.

I have a tax mystery shop to do. I go over all the paperwork and schedule an appointment at Jackson Hewitt for tomorrow.