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Earworms

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by Gloria Smudd on September 20, 2010

After enduring years of almost unbearable and squirm-inducing irritation, I have finally learned what is at the bottom of my aggravating affliction: it’s something insidious, unstoppable and un-killable – I’ve got worms.

I’m suffering from a chronic case of Melodius infuriatus, otherwise known as earworms and if you’ve ever found yourself inexplicably singing the chorus of ‘Ooom-Pah-Pah, Ooom-Pah-Pah’ then you needn’t laugh because you’ve got them too. Tough. ‘That’s how it goes..’, sometimes.

The Urban Dictionary website describes an earworm as ‘A song that sticks in your mind, and will not leave no matter how much you try’. Unfortunately Urban Dictionary offers no advice on how to deal with the earworm other than: ‘The best way to get rid of an earworm is to replace it with another. Be prepared to become a jukebox.’

I was disheartened to think that I might never be able to tackle last night’s washing up without repeatedly humming either the opening bars from ‘Crimewatch’ or the first bit of ‘The Avengers’ theme tune, so it was with hope that I turned to this link for guidance on ridding myself of my earworms once and for all.

It appears that as many as 9 out of 10 of us may know what it is to have an earworm lodged in our headspace, torturing us with its baffling choice of early ‘70’s advert jingle or TV theme tune and driving us to such distraction that we may be forced to abandon whatever it is that we are doing in order to break the loop. In my case, I only have to lift a lavatory brush and I warble a bit of ‘Upstairs, Downstairs’; if I force myself to tackle the mildewed-grouting there’s every likelihood that, though I clutch in my paw a bleach-soaked rag, my inner-self can only repeatedly lament that ‘My Boomerang Won’t Come Back’; on the rare occasions I’ve attempted to lift a duster I have found myself imploring someone called Sport to ‘Tie Me Kangaroo Down’, at which point I have to drop the duster before my ears begin to bleed and I lose the will to live.

It appears that there is, after all, no way to kill an earworm and not much comfort to be drawn from the prospect of merely replacing one unwanted ditty with another. I suspect that any activities (such as housework) found to trigger earworms should simply be avoided at all costs. Therefore, in the name of scientific research, I’m prepared to abandon my slap-dash domestic-maintenance programme entirely and ignore all un-flushed toilets, all scummy-sinks and all muddy floors until I have driven out my earworms with repeated and infuriating renditions of something loosely based on the ‘Inchworm’ song. You never know, it might work ….

Earworm, earworm,Once I’m in my Marigolds*Doing last night’s washing upIt’s ‘Bang!’ and there you are;Earworm, earworm,When I’m in my MarigoldsThere’s “The Avengers” theme –But just the first few bars.

Of course, wullie, the irritation of earworms is nothing in comparison with tinnitus. I know 2 people who have to live with tinnitus day and night.

Since a remote-controlled tarantula was brought into the house for my birthday I think I may also be developing ‘mindspiders’, since I am now convinced there’s a huge arachnid ready to rush at me from round every corner.

Eeeeuuuuuuuurgh! But funny! Handy hint – try removing said worms with a 9mm slug from a Sig Sauer! Hang on. On second thoughts…. (We never were renowned for practicality in this Order. Extreme violence, yes, but practicality….no) In love and light! Sister E

Sister – off-topic from Gloria, but I read this & (for some reason) thought of you…………………

“Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed by the young ladies, Mother Superior said, ‘Good morning ladies.’

The novices replied,’ Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you.’

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, ‘I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.’ This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with ‘Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today.’

‘Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you.’ But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, ‘She got out of the wrong side of the bed today.’

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary. ‘Good morning, Sister Mary. I’m so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.’

‘Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you, I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.’ Mother Superior was floored!

‘Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me.’

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face. ‘Oh, don’t take it personally, Mother Superior. It’s just that you’re wearing Father Murphy’s slippers.’ ”

The trouble with writing song parodies is that you invariably end up with earworms – too many to name. Gloria, you’re right that the only way to combat them is to outsing them, preferably to your own words, but why not combine this with the chores ?

That way, your singing alerts everyone in the vicinity to your industrious activity; after all, why suffer in silence? In addition, a request from your hearers to desist (please!) can be taken as complete justification for downing tools.

That’s what I’ve been doing all this time Macheath but I am so, so sick of my reedy ‘deee di di deeee, di-di-di deeee dit-da-dee-deeeedeeeeee’ (that’s the first bit of The Avengers if you didn’t guess) every time I tackle anything other than opening the fridge that I thought I’d just down tools and give everyone an audible rest.

I’m pleased to see people aren’t too ashamed to name their own earworms and I’m willing to give them all a try.

I too am now afflicted by the theme of ‘The Avengers’ – or, as I first saw it in France, ‘Chapeau Melon et Bottes de Cuir’ (Bowler Hat and Leather Boots), which sounds altogether much more interesting.