COMPULSIVE FRANCHISE DISORDER – “Carnosaur (1993-2006)”

Dinosaurs might have been extinct billions of years ago, but in 1993, they ruled the box office when a… certain blockbuster… stomped into theaters and would devour the industry with its ground breaking effects…I am obviously referring to “Carnosaur“. Armed with cutting edge technology and the finest talent that money could buy, “Carnosaur” would become so iconic, lauded and influential that even Steven Spielberg grew jealous. He promptly invented a mind control machine, forcing audiences everywhere to either forget this masterpiece, confuse it with being bad, or forget this masterpiece after confusing it for being bad… Critics would erroneously call it a ‘rip-off of “Jurassic Park”, even though it was released first, just because everyone involved with its production openly acknowledged that they were ripping off “Jurassic Park“. But thankfully, thanks to the power of cocaine, a select few individuals have seen through the brain washing, have seen through the mass deceit and media manipulation… and… agree with everyone else that “Carnosaur” is bad…

AWESOMELY BAD!

During the 1990’s, my Dad was married to a very religious woman who believed in filtering what us kids could watch, eventually even influencing my Mother into forbidding rated-R flicks. This meant I had to get crafty if I wanted my horror ‘fix’, but there was some relief when my (now former) Step-Mother took her kids on a trip to Florida. Dad decided that for one night only, I could rent whatever I wanted, regardless of the rating. I prowled the aisles, hunting for something gruesome, only for my eyes to settle on a VHS cover of a Raptor tearing through the box art. It looked so cool and when I saw the R-rating, a rarity for dinosaur flicks, I knew I had to have it. I had to have… “Carnosaur 3: Primal Species“…. So we rented it and watched it together and then I watched it again… about five or six more times during the rental period… Maybe my Step-Mother was right in restricting what I watched? As a kid, this movie was bad-ass and I was so intrigued by the idea of gory dinosaur flicks that I pursued the sequels, WHICH WAS NOT EASY, as this was before the age of the internet. I also watched an adaptation of “The Lost World“, which boasted an R-rating as well… but somehow also boasted putting me to sleep in spite of its R-rating… so let’s cancel that trip down memory lane and stick with the “Carnosaur” series. I obviously have some nostalgia attached to this trilogy and I’m constantly referencing it in my reviews. But why? What makes me so fond of these shitty movies? What makes them so special? And why do I say ‘trilogy’, when there appear to be 5 entries in this franchise? And how the f@ck does this franchise have 5 entries? And why the f@ck does this franchise not have 6 entries? This is a very complex mystery, filled with an assortment of bizarre riddles, ghastly clues and the phoniest model helicopter to ever appear in film, but you will eventually learn that “Carnosaur” is divine.

CARNOSAUR (1993)

(Directed by Adam Simon amd Darren Moloney)

(Written by Adam Simon)

(Starring Raphael Sbarge, Jennifer Runyon and Diane Ladd)

I’ve never liked the phrase ‘so bad, it’s good’, because it implies that the quality has gone full circle, but I also believe that the lowest form of ‘bad’ is simply ‘boring’ in disguise… and there is nothing good about boredom. This isn’t to say the movies which acquire these reputations don’t contain their share of badness, nor am I insinuating that the low quality isn’t an integral part of their identities. Yet what does “Plan 9 From Outer Space“, “The Room“, “Troll 2” and “Carnosaur” have in common? They’re all really f@cking weird. They’re strangely imaginative and showcase a lot of passion, which I think is what keeps them in our hearts and minds — in spite of their army of failures. “Carnosaur” could’ve easily just been about a rampaging dinosaur, but what is the actual story? Doctor Tiptree (Diane Ladd) wants to eradicate humanity by spreading a disease which will cause the entire female population to become impregnated with… dinosaurs …whom will presumably eat the men. What madman would come up with this kind of batshit insane concept? Did you know that “Carnosaur” is adapted from a novel of the same name? Did you know that almost all of the original writers’ ideas were thrown out in favor of women being impregnated with dinosaur babies? Just typing that sentence makes me mad with joy, because it’s unique! It’s absurd! It’s bizarre! It’s stupid! It’s refreshingly unpredictable, as is the rest of the movie! I’m not going to say that the characters are well written, or that the acting is particularly good or that the dialogue isn’t hokey, but everyone managed to hold my attention with their bizarre performances and odd tangents. It’s just so baffling seeing Diane Ladd treat her ridiculous lines and motivations with the utmost sincerity, or listening to Clint Howard give an unrestrained monologue about birth defects. I still laugh out loud when the hippie throws up a peace sign and greets the dinosaur, which ends exactly how it should. Or what about that weird blueberry pie sales pitch? What was up with that? I don’t know! But it left me fascinatingly confused. Yet I do appreciate how Doc (Raphael Sbarge), our beleaguered protagonist, starts to become emotionally invested in stopping Tiptree’s plot after his indifference gets people killed. They never spell out his redemption arc, but you can see it in his actions and behavior. Once again, I love seeing genuine effort, mixed in with all of this silliness. The filmmakers are trying their hardest to make you invested in the characters and the actors are trying so hard to sell you on the drama and the dialogue is trying too hard to sound snappy. You can’t make a line like “It would make a great theme park” in reference to the dinosaur plot ever sound anything less than stupid, but it sounds stylishly stupid to me.

There are only two rampaging dinosaurs in this one, the more prominent being the Deinonychus (which I used to think was a raptor), with the T-Rex being utilized as the ‘final boss’. A variety of techniques were used to make the dinosaurs look impressively unconvincing, ranging from a 16 ft pneumatically-operated robot to… f@cking hand puppets… Considering the effects team had little time and money to work with, I’m surprised that “Carnosaur” has… a few OK shots? Apparently the giant T-Rex was constantly malfunctioning, so they had to resort to miniatures, but the filmmakers do a decent job at making those miniatures look like giant miniatures. Yet while I might be throwing shade at the quality of the effects, I still find them to be charming because “Carnosaur” was produced during a era where CGI had yet to corrupt my low budgeted dinosaur features. I prefer the suits, the animatronics, the mock-ups and the puppetry for many reasons, but in this case, it’s because you get to see the actors interacting with the props. When CGI is used in low budgeted films, you just watch the actors flailing their arms around wildly, often in the wrong direction, while the monster is added in post-production. I have an easier time suspending disbelief when the actor knows exactly what they’re supposed to be reacting too, even if it is just a silly looking hand puppet. The low budget might’ve limited the effects team when it came to presentation of the dinosaurs, but it also allowed the movie to take more risks with its rating. The kills are shockingly gruesome and often look really cool, so this is another reason as to why I like “Carnosaur“. It’s the only kind of dinosaur flick to have both practical effects and graphic violence, something we had never received before and something we will probably never see again. “Carnosaur” is also strangely cynical, despite being so silly. It’s a movie where the T-Rex is contained using F@CKING LASER BEAMS, yet it will also takes the time to show a mourning Father, laying in bed next to his dead family. It’s disturbing seeing soldiers in hazmat suits ruthlessly — and often viciously — executing hapless civilians. As the plague grows, there are some chilling and moody shots of the deserted town… and then there will be a laughable shot of a miniature T-Rex marching through it… Obviously, many people will just dismiss “Carnosaur” as crap, but I agree with the author of the source material, who described it as “Interesting crap”. F@CKING LASER BEAMS!!!

Of course — this entire review is a lie and “Carnosaur” is actually “Citizen Kane” disguised in a cheap dinosaur suit. I would normally rate such a masterpiece a 45,000/10, but for the sake of this charade known as ‘a movie review’, I’ll settle on…

Rating: 6/10

CARNOSAUR 2 (1995)

(Directed by Louis Morneau)

(Written by Michael Palmer)

(Starring John Savage, Rick Dean and Ryan Thomas Johnson)

I remember having a lot of difficulty tracking down “Carnosaur 2“, as none of my surrounding video stores carried it. I believe I gave up for awhile, until netflix arrived like a knight in shining armor, equipped with my first copy of “Carnosaur 2“. I bring this up because I have fewer nostalgic ties to the movie, even though it’s blatantly ripping off “Aliens“, which I did grow up with… So I guess I kind of grew up with this too? The story is set at the Yucca mountain nuclear mining facility, where the entire crew has gone suspiciously silent, prompting the Government to send in a team of scientists to investigate. Unfortunately, they were equipped to deal with a potential nuclear meltdown, not f@cking dinosaurs. You probably won’t see too many similarities with “Aliens” based on my brief plot synopsis, but as the story progresses, you will realize that “Carnosaur 2” is hitting all of the same beats. From a technical standpoint, this sequel is a noticeable improvement over its predecessor. The acting, dialogue, cinematography, editing and special effects are all a step up, even though they’re still a few steps short of being good… In fact, one could even say that “Carnosaur 2” is better to the point of being worse, as it’s nowhere near as eccentric, interesting or as memorable, but it’s still kind of bad… The Deinonychus is replaced by Velociraptors, as “Jurassic Park” had popularized that specific species, even though you can tell that they’re just recycling the same model… and that the raptors are just guys in suits …I found myself missing the more comical effects, such as the hand puppets and miniatures. The raptor suits are mediocre at best, rarely being laughable, but never standing out as impressive either. They do bring back that T-Rex robot and it seems to be functioning more efficiently than it did in the first one, but this doesn’t stop the filmmakers from resorting to stop footage to fill the gaps… even though the locations don’t match at all!

For all of its technical advancements, “Carnosaur 2” still ends up being guilty of the WORST special effect within the entire trilogy. That model helicopter is so hilariously phony that I wish it was in the first one, as “Carnosaur 2” does seem to be striving for a little more respectability. Sometimes the cast makes this difficult, as one character responds to being attacked by a f@cking raptor by entering a boxing stance and declaring “it’s on!“…before they’re brutally mauled to death. This is tonally confusing, as “Carnosaur 2” usually tries to take itself seriously, but I also have to admit… I was amused … In fact, I thought the cast was a lot of fun and they seemed to be enjoying themselves. Rick Dean (Monk) was hilarious and it was kind of funny/depressing seeing John Savage (Jack) slur through some of his lines, as he apparently was wasted throughout the entire production. I spent most of the movie disappointed in the toned down violence, but then “Carnosaur 2” finally indulges us gorehounds in what has to be the most unnecessary, mean spirited death scene of the entire trilogy. I’m not complaining, but WTF?! The plot doesn’t always make sense, as it’s revealed that the Government knew the dinosaurs were at the facility all along, but didn’t think to send an armed team to accompany these scientists? I’m guessing the filmmakers wanted to lift the conspiracy subplot from “Aliens“, but couldn’t afford enough actors to play an armed team… even though without them, the conspiracy subplot is f@cking stupid. They also missed a wonderful opportunity to incorporate the dinosaur plague from the first film here, because if a female suddenly sprouted a dinosaur shaped bun in her oven, everything would’ve made sense… Life would’ve made sense!

There is a lot of action though, so even if “Carnosaur 2” is a little underwhelming, it’s never boring. This is actually considered to be ‘the best’ of the trilogy and… I don’t disagree? But it’s also the most ordinary of the trilogy, the closest it achieved to resembling a mainstream production… a low budgeted, schlocky mainstream production… I’ve spent most of this review complaining or serving backhanded compliments, but I still do enjoy “Carnosaur 2” for what it is — a stupid, silly, “Aliens” rip-off with dinosaurs and the best helicopter crash of all time.

Rating: 5/10

CARNOSAUR 3: PRIMAL SPECIES (1996)

(Directed by Jonathan Winfrey)

(Written by Rob Kerchner)

(Starring Scott Valentine, Janet Gunn and Rick Dean)

Now we have finally arrived at “Carnosaur 3“, the movie which began my journey into this saga… the one that made the biggest contribution to my childhood… and it sucks! It really, really sucks! I am having difficulty reconciling my fond memories of this as a kid, with what I have just witnessed as an adult. The story immediately ceases making sense when terrorists easily overtake an armored escort, but do such a shitty job at covering up their tracks that they draw the attention of the local police force. They think they’ve hijacked uranium, but in actuality, they found the dinosaurs, who promptly devour them… and then devour the investigating cops… We are then introduced to our special forces protagonists, who are tasked with retrieving the dinosaurs, but what makes this confusing is that they are assigned to this mission BEFORE the cops meet their grisly ends; yet they refer to a police report detailing the arrest of a surviving terrorist. So the cops had time to submit a report between discovering the terrorist hideout and entering? Did no one tell the local law to stand down and wait for the special ops to arrive? I GUESS NOT! Later on, the dinosaurs suddenly leave the warehouse and enter a ship, but this is another thing where it just happens without any real explanation… nor do the aesthetics ever seem to change, making this creative decision feel unnecessary. If there is one thing I can praise about the plot, it’s the revelation that the Carnosaurs — this is the first time they refer to the dinos as such — are evolving, which includes heightened intelligence. I would like to think that if there was an official “Carnosaur 4“, they would start wielding firearms and the title would be “Carnosaur 4: Armed and Carnivorous“.

They are obviously using the same dinosaur suits from “Carnosaur 2“, but while you can tell that they’re already showing signs of disrepair, I didn’t think they looked that bad. This might be because the cinematographer and editor keep their appearances in the dark, accompanied with choppy editing, so you rarely get a good look at them… and yet the filmmakers still resort to stock footage abuse during the finale, which predictably fails to hide the drastic change in locations… SIGH! Still, I was never really bothered by the effects, as the pacing is relentless and there are some good, graphic kills to sink your teeth into. The sets and props look a lot cheaper though, with piles of cardboard boxes often being used to add diversity to the locations. The military uniforms look ridiculously fake and it’s hard not to laugh at the little things, like that flimsy looking net — which is supposed to be able to trap a dinosaur. The direction is sometimes comically inept, especially with the ‘stylistic flourishes’. During the middle of a conversation, the camera suddenly pulls out with a silly ‘whooshing’ noise… I’m not sure what he was going for either… Other scenes are spliced together so awkwardly that you get the impression they were supposed to be taking place during different times, but they’re meant to be continuous. I have to assume that the director (correctly) realized that the exposition dump was taking too long, so he wanted to break the conversation up a little bit, but it only made the problem so much worse. Yet I can forgive all of this incompetence and cheapness if the characters weren’t so aggressively annoying. The acting SUCKS and their dialogue is embarrassing. I will admit that at first, this kept me amused, but I found myself laughing at the actors whose characters perished first. After they die, then we’re stuck with a lot of mean spirited, unlikable assholes who make a lot of noise. The protagonist is Col. Rance Higgins (Scott Valentine) and he spends the entirety of this movie yelling his lines, with facial expressions that suggest he’s battling a serious bout of constipation. Rick Dean (Polchek) also played Monk from “Carnosaur 2“, even though he’s recycling that same characterization for his role here. But whereas I did think he was funny before, he lays on the ‘humor’ far too thick here. “Carnosaur 3” does land on a comedic goldmine though — doesn’t anyone in this cast know how to accurately salute?

“Carnosaur 3” is also arguably sexist, as there is a discussion as to whether female soldiers can hold up under pressure. The answer appears to be ‘no, they can’t‘, based on the context of the story. So why did I like this movie when I was a kid? Erm, it’s a dinosaur actioner with graphic violence? That was enough for little old me! I was at an age where I didn’t know what “good” or “bad” was in regards to film, so I had no issues with the cheap effects or the abysmal performances. I can even recall liking the characters, as to their credit, they have distinctly colorful personalities… in the same way that STD’s have distinctly colorful symptoms. Ugh, I am ashamed to say that Polcheck was my favorite character at the time, yet I gravitated towards those kinds of goofballs at that age. I guess I can understand why 11 year old MartialHorror would be fond of “Carnosaur 3” and my nostalgia functions as a shield for the poor quality. I don’t hate “Carnosaur 3” for these reasons, as the fun I had abusing that poor VHS tape all those years ago provided enough joy to overcome my present hostility. But make no mistake, “Carnosaur 3: Primal Species” is still a piece of shit…

My piece of shit!

Rating: 4/10

RAPTOR (2001)

“Raptor” isn’t technically supposed to be “Carnosaur 4“, but almost all of its dinosaur footage is lifted from the iconic, illustrious trilogy, so it might as well be a sequel… albeit the kind that most franchises try to pretend doesn’t exist… Sheriff Jim Tanner (Eric Roberts) is investigating a series of murders, committed by stock footage of dinosaur puppets… Ugh, that sounds so much funnier than it actually is. I knew I was going to wallow in some shit here, but I wasn’t expecting to be bored by the smell. I was only sporadically amused, with the only true source of hilarity appearing in the form of the filmmakers attempting to cast actors who vaguely resemble some of the victims from the previous films, so that they can re-use the entirety of their death scenes. I snickered when an older, heavier man with white hair enters a room and not only does the film stock and lighting change, but he’s suddenly younger, thinner and has darker hair. They don’t even try to cover this up! I also laughed when they used the helicopter crash from “Carnosaur 2“, as the context makes absolutely no sense. How did the dinosaur sneak on board when the pilot had never left the aircraft? The original version at least left the chopper unattended for a period of time… But eventually I got used to the cheap production values, the bad acting and the mismatched splicing of footage, so the laughter dried up. I was never provoked to rage either, as its shortcomings are so common that if anything, I should be angry at myself to even giving it a chance.

I think part of the problem… and this is going to sound really stupid …is that “Raptor” wasn’t “bad” enough. The writers recreate the plot of “Carnosaur“, but then strip away everything that made it interesting and/or terrible (the plague which impregnates women with dinosaur babies, the shockingly downbeat ending, etc.). There is an additional subplot of a… serial killer, I think? It’s a red herring in a movie where we clearly see a dinosaur committing the murders IN THE OPENING SCENE, so why? Where was the mystery? What was the pay-off? The characters are bland stock archetypes with no personality, in contrast to the eccentric cast of… ANY of the other three movies. Eric Roberts looks bored, so his presence doesn’t really elevate the movie. If he was invested in the role, then we could be amused by his misplaced passion. If he was embarrassed, then we could be amused watching him squirm. We can’t even be amused by the special effects, because we already laughed at them throughout the “Carnosaur” trilogy. The editing might be bad, but do you know what? I’ve seen worst uses of stock footage. You’ll notice the changes in lighting, film stock and style. You’ll notice the continuity errors. You’ll notice the changes in faces. But “Raptor” doesn’t stand out like “Howling VII“, “Gamera: Super Monster” or “Puppet Master: The Legacy” did, because it’s actually better edited than they were… while still being poorly edited. “Raptor” has more production value at its disposal… while still looking cheap. Those films made me laugh or cry at their ineptness, while “Raptor” only got an indifferent shrug out of me. It’s just not my kind of bad movie.

Rating: 2.5/10

THE EDEN FORMULA (2006)

(Written and Directed by John Carl Buechler)

(Starring Jeff Fahey, Tony Todd and Dee Wallace)

Well, this was definitely a thing I just watched… I remember once reading about how “The Eden Formula” entered production as a sequel to “Carnosaur“, but the producers changed their minds during the distribution process, even though they had already stolen…*sigh*…footage from the original trilogy… Yet despite all of my research, I couldn’t find any trace of this ‘allegation’ and for all I know, it was always meant to be a standalone feature… that was simply stealing footage from the original trilogy… that was already a decade old… Ummmm… Can someone please use their psychic powers to read my mind and clarify how I feel about this one? Because I’m not sure whether “The Eden Formula” was a piece of shit or if it was an amusing piece of shit… and I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that this is the most technically inept contribution to the franchise, even though it had the most talent involved. Not only are there three cult favorites in the form of Tony Todd, Jeff Fahey and Dee Wallace, but the director had once helmed my favorite of the “Friday the 13th” sequels, yet they could not afford sound proof rooms? Oh, but a scene or two with some echo or muffled dialogue are the least of our problems! The plot is a confused mess, where brutal killer Radcliffe (Tony Todd) and his merry band of mercenaries break into a shady corporation to steal the mysterious ‘Eden Formula’, which was used to clone a dinosaur. They inadvertently release the beast which… promptly leaves the story… and Radcliffe must retrieve the formula from his old nemesis, the heroic Dr. Parker (Jeff Fahey). So would I say “The Eden Formula” is better or worse than “Raptor“?

I’m not sure…

“The Eden Formula” definitely falls on its face a lot harder than “Raptor” ever did, but at least it was willing to craft its own story and produce its own special effects… as inferior (to an already shitty product) as they are… For example, “The Eden Formula” doesn’t rely AS MUCH on stock footage from the “Carnosaur” trilogy as “Raptor” did, which is a good thing… right? Yes, but when they do hijack effects from “Carnosaur“, it somehow stands out a lot more awkwardly — and let us remember that “Raptor” stole entire death scenes for a different cast. You just can’t seamlessly edit in footage from a 13-year old low budgeted film into your no budgeted film without it grabbing the viewers attention. Yet “The Eden Formula” also reuses the (visibly aged) puppets from the original trilogy for new shots and awkwardly chroma keys them into new backgrounds, while adding some absurd CGI effects and… they’re pretty f@cking hilarious in their own horrible way! You don’t see jumping T-Rex’s very often, so at least I got some new memories out of this experience. What’s more bizarre than all of these awful effects though, is that every once in awhile, the T-Rex will look… decent! It also doesn’t resemble the ‘Carnosaur’ Tyrannosaur in the slightest, so the appearance of this puppet is always more distracting than impressive, but did they steal those shots from another movie as well? I’m skeptical, but at least I’m laughing and I suspect that was the filmmakers’ intention, as some scenes are obviously meant to be goofy. There is this odd interlude where the dinosaur stumbles onto the set of some sort of film production and patiently waits around for like 5 minutes in the open until someone notices it. In fact, Los Angeles seems pretty chill about a T-Rex on the loose, considering how its presence never effects traffic and no one seems to notice the beast until it’s upon them. The dialogue and acting are so deliberately hokey during these moments that the dinosaur might as well be winking for the camera… at least if the effects crew could afford such a facial expression. Even though I’m mocking the movie, at least “The Eden Formula” is a fun punching bag… or it was for awhile, anyway.

The problem is that the dinosaur divorces itself from the narrative shortly after the first act and most of the subsequent screen-time is dedicated to the boring espionage storyline, which is taking itself WAY too seriously. Every once in awhile it will cut back to the rampaging Rex attacking some random passerby, but the dinosaur doesn’t return to the primary story until the very end. The acting is interesting because you can see the skill of the cast, but they’re either too disheartened, embarrassed or bored to try. The exceptions are Tony Todd and Dee Wallace. Both appear to be enjoying themselves, with Todd hissing most of his lines in all of their over-the-top glory and Wallace genuinely trying to elevate the material. Unfortunately, said material is poison and contaminates her performance, making her look like she’s doing the worst out of all of them. Jeff Fahey appears to be trying to draw as little attention to his presence as possible based on his lethargic line delivery and perpetual thousand yard stare… It works, as I sometimes forgot he was in the movie, even when he’s on-screen. The editing and direction of their scenes are so flat and lifeless though that the novelty of the performances soon lose their luster and you just get bored… So “The Eden Formula” definitely has its ‘so bad, it’s fun’ moments, but they flounder in such a boring storyline. “Raptor” has a more functional storyline and fewer ‘so bad’ moments, but it also never really had any “it’s fun” moments either. At least “The Eden Formula” has a scene where a character stumbles upon a giant pile of T-Rex poop… “The Eden Formula” itself might be the literal poop of the “Carnosaur” trilogy!

Fun Fact: John Carl Buechler was actually in charge of the SFX for the original “Carnosaur“, so is it stealing if you’re stealing from yourself? Yes, yes it is…

Rating: 2.5/10

I only chose to consider “Raptor” and “The Eden Formula” as part of the “Carnosaur” franchise in order to qualify the namesake for this review series. I don’t regard them as true sequels and regardless of which is worse, they’re both just shitty movies that I have no history with. Even though this probably goes without saying, I am only playing around when I herald the trilogy as ‘iconic’ or ‘classic’, but it does offer everything I want out of garbage cinema. There is enough competence to provide solid gore effects, something you generally don’t get with dinosaur features. There is enough incompetence to provide laughable special effects, which are easy to make fun of. But I’ve always felt that the best ‘good bad movies’ — such as “Troll 2” — are the ones that are better described as ‘odd’ and ‘weird’, instead of just ‘bad’. I spent most of my viewing experience in a perpetual state of bewilderment in response to where these stories would go, how characters would respond to these situations, how the cast approached this absurd material and what the filmmakers chose to show next. This isn’t to say that there isn’t content that I disliked here, but whatever grievance I may have is usually softened by nostalgia. Sometimes you just see the right movie at the right age and you form a bond with it, even if the relationship isn’t always healthy; even if it’s “Carnosaur 3“; especially if it’s “Carnosaur 3“.

I do wish more people would discover “Carnosaur” and it’s official sequels though. I also wish that it developed a more pronounced cult following. Yet everyone seems to have forgotten its existence and while I would love to see a new sequel, I also dread such a project because I know it would probably be akin to a Syfy original — with cheap, boring CGI effects and a tone that’s trying too hard to be ‘so bad, it’s good’. Roger Corman still produces movies and while I actually get SOME enjoyment out of his more modern schlock, it’s obvious that he’s drawing inspiration from the wrong side of the Syfy Channel. I miss the Corman of “Galaxy of Terror“, “Death Race 2000” and of course, “Carnosaur“. I want practical effects and decent performances and giant, rapist worms!

Yet perhaps the franchise does live on… indirectly… through “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom“, of all f@cking movies. Many have observed that it seemingly drew inspiration from the original “Carnosaur” book, although I have to admit that this theory is a little farfetched and the similarities can easily be chalked up as coincidence. Yet even though “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” was a box office hit, it was also the most maligned entry of its franchise, so even if this is true, I doubt it will do anything to reignite interest in the “Carnosaur” brand. But who knows? Until the trilogy finds its audience, at least it will have me championing it and throwing out crazy sequels ideas. Although without practical effects and an R-rating, even my genius concepts would not be worth it…

Carnosaur 4: Armed and Carnivorous — the carnosaurs have evolved enough to where they start learning the use of human technology, so incorporate body armor and firepower into their ‘hunts’.

Attack of the Carnosaur People (working title in progress) — Imagine ‘werewolves’, except they turn into carnosaurs… Wouldn’t it be incredible if they got Rick Baker or Rob Bottin to do the transformation scenes? Wait, why are you laughing?!

Carnosaurs in Space — A space ship has a rather… predatory… stowaway. It’s time to complete the rip-off cycle!