Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Read recently that the Independence Bowl, which has been without a sponsor for the last two years, is allegedly close to landing one. Gee, I don't know why it's taking so long. I mean, who wouldn't want their corporate name associated with a December 28th bowl in Shreveport, Louisiana pitting the the Big XII 5, 6 or 7 team versus the SEC #7 squad (or any Pop Warner team with a pulse).

For years, I must admit I actually felt sorry for the teams playing in the Independence Bowl when it was the Poulan/Weedeater Independence Bowl. That was the most god-awful sponsorship affiliation in a proud history of crappy tie-ins when it comes to post-season college football games. Poulan/Weedeater? What was that team meeting like when the bid went out?

COACH: "This is why we play the game, fellas -- You sweat your balls off all August during two-a-days. You just got our jock handed to you by Nebraska, 48-10. We ended up 7th in a 12 team conference to finish a just-above-Shitsville 6-5. Pack your bags, gentlemen...we're off to Shreveport!"

The good news for the Independence Bowl is, no matter who they end up with, they really can't do any worse this time (because Chick-Fil-A is already taken). And since the bowls obviously don't care who the sponsor is as long as the check clears, we here at the MZone sat down and came up with some bowls and the sponsors they should have. In the interest of truth in advertising. Thus, here is a partial list of the 2006-2007 bowl season as it should be...

THE HOLIDAY BOWL

Lately, there is always one team thrilled to be in San Diego matched against another team that just got fucked out of playing in one of the BCS games (yes, we're talking to you, Oregon and Cal). During the lead up to the game, seems there is less talk about the actual Holiday Bowl than bitching about the game one team got screwed out of. That's why Pacific Life needs to bow out allowing a more appropriate sponsor to take over...

THE CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL

This bowl, now in Orlando, Florida, has had seven - yes, 7! - different names during its 16 years of existence: the Blockbuster Bowl, the Carquest Bowl, the Micron PC Bowl, the MicronPC.com Bowl, the Visit Florida Tangerine Bowl, the Mazda Tangerine Bowl before landing where we are today. Thus, with such a history of changing its name, who better to sponsor this classic than the former Puff Daddy, the no longer P.Diddy, the we-think-now-just Diddy, Sean Combs in the...

THE COTTON BOWL

Remember when this bowl used to actually mean something? You'd sit there on January 1st and think to yourself, "Damn, sure sucks that those two teams had to play in the only New Year's Day bowl where you're freezing your ass off." But since the advent of the BCS, this poor bowl got left behind for shinier, newer models.

The Cotton now reminds me of that bike I had when I was growing up but no self-respecting kid would be caught dead on today. That's why we give you...

THE MOTOR CITY BOWL

Hey, just because this bowl takes place in our ol' homestate doesn't mean we don't know what the perception of it is out there in the college football universe. Detroit? In December? This isn't a reward, it's punishment. Something teams dread and would get out of if they could. The bowl equivalent of taxes, jury duty and telling your girlfriend those pants don't make her look fat. That's why the showdown in Motown should be the...

THE ORANGE BOWL

Currently, this BCS bowl is sponsored by FedEx which is a complete load of crap. FedEx connotates quick. Fast. Speedy. But have you ever tried to sit through the halftime show of this bowl? Sweet Mother of Pearl! It takes forevvvvver. The game itself doesn't last this long! That's why we propose a change that still keeps the whole "mail theme"...

Finally, we turn our attention back to...

THE INDEPENDENCE BOWL

You're 6-5, you'd rather be home but instead you're stuck in Shreveport playing a team that wants to be there less than you in front of fans who probably only showed up because they were giving the tickets away free at the local Hooters on Nacho Tuesday. Talk about depressing. That's why we present a potential sponsor that's very appropriate for this dandy...

Considering how much of the Holiday Bowl's history consists of BYU appearances, naming the game after Trojan would be really funny.

BTW, if y'all don't want to go to Shreveport or San Diego, I can think of plenty of MAC teams with better W/L records who would be happy to take the payouts they pay. (Sad to say, Miami's 2004 Independence Bowl trip was its best-ever bowl pay day -- well in excess of what was available to the 2003 Big Ben team due to the monopolization of higher profile games by BCS also-rans.)

Good point, Anon. Believe it or not, in all honesty, when I was writing the piece, I just remembered the stink about Cal getting screwed. Totally didn't stop to think that meant...we might have had a Rose Bowl victory due to no VY!

Oregon and Cal are always the easy targets when it comes to BCS wannabes who get whipped in the Holiday Bowl, but no one seems to remember Texas getting whipped 3 years ago by WSU after crying about getting the BCS shaft....

Word on the street is the Birmingham bowl game will soon be officially named the "Bribery Bowl". The only holdup is the battle between Gov. Seigelman, Richard Scrushy & the Logan Young Estate for sponsorship rights....

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