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I have been trying to get into yoga for several years now. Try as I might, nothing sticks. I’ve tried purchasing several class packages to motivate me. I’ve set goals to try practicing once a month. I’ve gone to multiple classes, trying different types, instructors & locations. I just didn’t like yoga. Annnnd if we’re being completely honest, I still don’t really like it, but I have an appreciation for it. I think that’s what got me to enjoy it more, accepting that it’s not something I love, but settling into finding it acceptable. And who knows, maybe this will grow into love!

Practicing on my own
I didn’t realize one of the things I disliked most about yoga, was heading to classes where everyone already knew what they were doing (even those darned beginner classes!) and I was constantly comparing myself to them and trying to achieve the perfect pose instead of clearing my mind and just being. Being at home on my own is definitely my jam. I don’t worry about other people around me, I just do my thang!

Making it a daily practice (temporarily)
Getting myself to practice each and every day for 31 straight days, got me into a routine. I should have known from past experiences, things for me tend to stick best when I make them part of my routine. As the 31 days are over, I don’t intend to continue making it a daily practice, but my goal is to try for a practice once a week.

Combining it with meditation
Meditation has always been a goal of mine too. Which also hasn’t stuck 😉 I find that clearing my mind and focusing on my breath while doing yoga is a form of meditation. I’m sure some people may consider this cheating, but it works for me.

Honouring where I am each day
The yoga guru I have started following, Adriene, has a bit of a mantray, “Honour yourself where you are at today.” It seems simple enough, but it’s actually unknowingly powerful. I will admit to going through some days being insanely productive, easily checking off my to-do list and getting even more done. And other days, I don’t even get halfway through my list and I put myself down wondering why I suck and can’t just be super awesome every single day. But every day is different, energy levels are different, moods are different – life is ever changing. So taking a moment every single morning to feel out where I am, really helps set the tone for the day. It’s ok if I’m not on my A game 100% of the time. This was a pretty big breakthrough for me.

Loving my body
Not totally in love with my body, but I find this is helping me become a small step closer every time I practice a bit of yoga. I appreciate it more and find more kindness with myself. That’s a pretty cool thing.

And now that you’ve come alllll the way down this far of a post that you may find slightly boring (kudos if you’re still with me!), your reward is a cute picture of Sunny and a snail that she tried to be best friends with on our morning walk recently.

I’ve been hesitant to talk about myself over the past couple of months. I’ve given somewhat superficial updates about how I’m doing, but the truth is, I’ve been battling depression again.

Right now, I’m doing a little better. It still feels pretty raw though. One of the things I pride myself on as a blogger is my honest blogging and I can’t honestly say I’m 100% right now. So instead of pretending those feelings don’t exist, I’m going to talk about them.

Depression, anxiety and body image issues reared their ugly heads starting around January, and try as I might, I can’t seem to shake them. I’ve thought a lot about the contributing factors and what’s hardest for me is I feel like I have no reason to be depressed. No grounds to feel sad. I live a pretty fantastic life. I love my husband, I have the cutest dog on the planet, I have no real concerns about health or wealth. So why?

Maybe it’s seasonal affects (in California… I know! I didn’t think it was possible, turns out it is), or this time of year is hard between my dad’s birthday and the anniversary of his dying, or that they recently changed my hormone replacement therapy for the first time in several years and I’m feeling a little hormonal craziness. Maybe I still really don’t feel like I have sense of purpose because I don’t work. Maybe I’m hard wired this way. Or maybe, just maybe, I’m too hard on myself and need to look within myself and work through things more.

So what am I doing about it? I’ve started taking St. John’s Wort as I find it helpful with depression and do not want to take anti-depressants as they don’t really work for me. I’m trying to eat healthful things without obsessing over eating some junky things. I’ve decided to go back to seeing my therapist after almost 2 years off. I feel like there is a certain stigmatism with people getting mental health help, so it’s hard for me to admit it.
And well, I’ve decided to talk about it.

One of the things I found extremely helpful with everything I’m going through is reading about others going through similar issues. And if you’re going through something right now, something similar or something completely different, you’re not alone.

I’m learning to be nicer to myself. I think one of the things that hinders my progress through depression the most is the fact that I’m always so focused on getting out of the depression, that I am critical of myself instead of allowing myself to be depressed. Because it’s ok to be depressed.

Instead of focusing all of my energy on pushing it down, ignoring it and quickly get out of it, I need to be present in my depression and properly and slowly work through it. It’s not pleasant, but if I don’t, it’s just going to hang around longer.

Some of the things I’m currently working on is centred around being nice. I need to be as nice to myself as I am to those I love. That is not something I’m familiar with when I get in this frame of mind. I’m not a huge tv fan, when I’m having a good day, I may watch 1 hour max or none at all. Lately, I’ve been enjoying it more. I like to sit and watch a few shows during the day and I’ve been really hard on myself about it. Why? What is the harm in watching a little more television right now? It’s not impacting my productivity and it’s a nice brain break. It means I’m not working on some of the goals I have set for myself (like learning Spanish), but that’s ok for now.

I find I’m having a harder time getting out with friends and sometimes cancel and I worry about coming off as a flake. Instead of worrying so much about this, I need to be honest with them and tell them I’m not emotionally well right now and am trying to work through things.

And body image issues are a recurring thing with me. I have talked about that before and I wish I could just love my body the way it is, but I don’t right now. And it’s ok to not be where I want to be because I know I’m working towards loving myself and my body.

It is hard writing this. Aside from Terry and one of my very close friends, I haven’t talked to anyone about this. It seems easier to suffer in silence, but it’s not. I actually feel better having written this and know that I have great support group of blogging friends that will read this and be the awesome friends they are. And hopefully this will get me to talk about it to other friends too.

Thank you for reading and being there for me =)

In other news, some of the prom pictures have come back! I will post more about them this week, but wanted to share this one with you. I saw this and loved it. I didn’t think anything critical or negative about it. I look happy and in love with my dude ❤️

**This post contains personal information about me. After debating whether I should share it or not, I decided to as I haven’t felt comfortable enough to really share it with any of my friends and I’m hoping if I continue sharing things like this on my blog, it will help keep me accountable for my health and not slip back into destructive behaviours. I also hope it helps others that are currently struggling. We can all support each other.

More honest blogging for you today. I have been in recovery from my eating disorder for 10 months. I honestly thought that I would be “all better” by now. Ha ;p I suppose I should have known better, that this will be a lengthy battle.

I recently joined a gym. I had been attending a boot camp and doing my own workouts, but really missed the community feeling of a gym and I really like going to group fitness classes. I managed to find a deal with a nearby gym and they offered a free fitness evaluation. I wasn’t quite sure what it was, but I figured I would take them up on the free things (they also offered a free personal training session and a free facial!!). I prepared mentally for this evaluation as I assumed it would be a lot of numbers about my body. I told them I did not want to know my weight, and they were really nice about it. I will be completely honest with you, I snuck a peek at the end of the session. I tried so very hard not to care and not to look, but there you have it – I’m not the greatest with willpower. And the number I saw, didn’t upset me. I think I sighed in relief. After not knowing my weight for well over a year, I broke down and needed to know. It was a number lower than I was expecting. Despite the fact that my clothes are tight and I certainly don’t feel lighter. I’ll admit that it’s a little sad, but seeing that number did make me feel better.

What didn’t make me feel better was the body fat percentage measurement. Holy crap. I was not expecting the number they told me it was. And they told me I should be concerned. I instantly went into a mini meltdown (ok… I went home first and waited for my husband to come home so as not to meltdown solo). I told him how concerned I am about it and how things need to change. When I think about some of the things we’ve been eating over the past several months, it actually adds up to a very high fat diet. And a fair amount of it would never be considered healthy fat (I’m looking at you potato chips and chocolate bars!). He freaked out a bit in return worried that I’m going into a restrictive mode again. And it made me think. Of course I am obviously concerned about the health implications of this, especially since my family has a history of hypertension and high cholesterol. But I know deep down, that I’m really just terrified of being fat. I hate that I feel that way.

So what am I going to do about this? I’m not going to completely and radically change my diet. I’ve been there, I’ve done that and it doesn’t work for me. I don’t want to eat less food, I do want to eat better quality food. We’re going to eat fewer chips and enjoy healthier forms of potato. Instead of buying chocolate at the store, I’ll make my own. We’ll eat more vegetables (ok… we already eat a TON of vegetables). We can definitely eat less fat and throw in more protein without drastically changing things.

And I’ve made an appointment with my GP to have a physical and get blood work done to check my cholesterol and triglycerides and have her opinion on how things look and see if I should be concerned. She is after all, a medical doctor who knows me and my history (no offense to the complete stranger at the gym).

I also wanted to put a more positive spin on some of the things I’ve experienced since I’ve gained weight over the past 3 years.

got a dog (ok… obviously has nothing to do with weight gain, but awesome nonetheless)

I'm Kimmy, a holistic nutritionist on the path to healthy living and loving myself. I want to share my passion for kale and chocolate with you. I focus on allergy-friendly recipes and you will find some appetizing healthy eats as well as some delicious indulgences here. ♥