Don’t order the farmer’s breakfast at the local café in the mornings. This is your opportunity for elegance and fine eating. The health breakfast is perfect, or even Eggs Benedict. You don’t want your Cape Town hosts to inwardly snigger at you. Italian Cappuccino is fine, Ricoffy and condensed milk is not. Neither is koffiekapital. And no rusks to dunk into your Ricoffy please. Order a bran muffin instead, to be eaten with decorum.

Know your geography. If you’re only visiting Bellville, you’re not in Cape Town, neither should you fib that you were in Cape Town if you only went to Bellville when you’re back home. However, Stellenbosch, Franschhoek, Constantia and the Winelands in general are part of Cape Town.

Don’t barge in front of overseas tourists at the lower station of the Table Mountain cable car. You will eventually get to the top. Know your place and queue decently behind them .

Go to Sandy Bay to sunbathe in the nude, not to gawk at the nudists.

Rainbow over Table Mountain

Don’t watch the latest Leon Schuster movie or other trashy movies when in Cape Town. Culture up. Try the Labia or other such film festival. It’ll give you a window on the world and infinitely more kudos. And do attend our opera, the only resident opera company in the whole continent of Africa.

If you watch a rugby game at Newlands try to find out a little about the game instead of mindlessly shouting for the Lions or the Bulls. You’ll find the crowd far more knowledgeable than you can hope to be. The same goes for cricket.

Don’t moan and mope about the darned foreigners who have chosen to live here. They add colour to our city. Imbibe our multiculturalism. Don’t complain about all the Germans in Tamboerskloof and the Tower of Babel of languages you hear around you at Giovanni’s etc. Also, we don’t care to know that you’re going back to Durban for your holiday next year. Just go. We also don’t care to know that Rio is more scenic than Cape Town. Keep your travel opinions to yourself please.

Mist over Table Bay

Try, I know it’s difficult, to be a little more tolerant and liberal when in Cape Town. Reserve your conservatism for when you get back home.

See what a true art gallery is like by visiting the National Art Gallery, the National Museum etc. in the Gardens.

Don’t irritate the locals by mentioning your support for the petition to move parliament to Midrand. It’s seedy.

Don’t go around saying ‘stuff this sleepy fishing village’, we earn more than they do, therefore have can swagger more than Capetonians’ etc. Desist. Capetonians are fully aware of your bigger city and economic superiority, but nonetheless look down on you. You are from pitiful Gauteng after all. Accept it as a fact of life.