Ever get the urge to jump up and ____ this damn town? Tell Unreal about it! [email protected].

Local Blog O' the Week"Truth Against the World"www.jameystegmaier.comAuthor: Jamey StegmaierAbout the blogger: Jamey's 27 and is the operations director for a local nonprofit. He writes prolifically but has not been published (except on his own blog). He has a cat, Baby Bok Choy.

Recent Highlight (October 22): Now You Can Smell Like I Want You to Smell
A little while ago, I posted an entry entitled, "The Secret to Being an Attractive Runner." The entry was targeted at women who jog in the park near my condo. Statistically, ever since I posted that entry, 93% of those women are moving their arms when they run (up from 15%), 68% have stopped trying to win the race, and 87% have focused on running forward instead of all wily-nily. Clearly this blog is making an impact on the world.

Thus I present this entry on how you, women, can smell like I want you to smell. And not just me — potentially other guys as well. Although, to be honest, this request is going to sound a little weird.

There are three smells I enjoy more than any others in the world: Popcorn, campfires, and Angel, by Thierry. Many other smells narrowly made this list — like hot chocolate, the coffee aisle at the grocery store, garlic bread in the oven, plain chapstick — but those are the big three. As you can tell, only one of them is a perfume. Here's how you can smell like the other two:

Popcorn: This is easy. Put some popcorn in the microwave, make sure it doesn't burn, and then rub it all over yourself. Wait until it cools a little bit, because those kernels get mighty hot.

Campfires: Before you go out to party, build a campfire in your apartment or yard (a leaf fire will do in a pinch) and envelope yourself in the smoke and fumes. The smell will make guys hearken back to a grittier, simpler time, a time when all meat was prepared over fire. You'll literally make them salivate.

Or you can just go out and buy Angel.

I'm sure you're asking wondering right now, Jamey, if you were approached by three identical women, one of them wearing popcorn grease, the other campfire ash, and the last expensive perfume, who would you be more drawn to?

Great question. It would probably depend on my mood, but in general I'd have to go with campfire girl. Damn I love the smell of campfires.

Ask a Cougar
Unreal is preparing to launch our long-awaited advice column, "Ask a Cougar and a Fundamentalist Pastor." After much deliberation, we've settled on our resident Cougar, Sage Feline. As for our Pastor, Chris, let's just say it wasn't a crowded field.

Look for the first installment of "Ask a Cougar and a Fundamentalist Pastor" soon. Meantime, hit us with your questions. No topic too sensitive, no question too stupid!

Direct your questions via e-mail to [email protected], with "ASK A COUGAR" in the subject line.