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Which Type of Car DJ Are You?

And regardless of if you like it or not, your musical choices in the passenger seat can be amateur DJ career defining.

So whether you’re a trusted performer who leads from the front with consistency (the ‘Plugger Lockett’), or you’re the Zac Dawson of the squad and have the shitty haircut to match, find yourself below and I’ll walk you through the do’s and don’t’s of this minefield.

The ‘under-confident’

One word: premature. You’re restless, always looking for signs of disinterest. Nothing ever lasts for longer than a nervous minute before it’s over, she’s gone and everyone’s left feeling a bit short-changed. You’ve forgotten what it feels like to knock one out of the park from start to finish, and hearing about your friends’ successes just makes the build-up of jealousy and insecurity worse. But just because you’re a speedy finisher doesn’t mean you can’t get treatment – picking songs in the car doesn’t have to be this way!

DO: Chuck on a mix you like and it’ll change the songs for you – job done! The pressure’s already off just thinking about it.

If you’re in deep and really need to kick the habit, lock yourself out of your phone and you’ve just bought yourself a cheeky minute.

DON’T: Put your music on shuffle – this is a sure-fire recipe for disaster and unspeakable physical abuse.

Keep locking yourself out of your phone for longer. We’ve all been there, and you’ll feel like an idiot when you do.

‘How good is Triple J at the moment, I found these guys on Triple J Unearthed. Triple J. Did you guys listen to Home and Hosed last week?’

We all tune in to Triple J at some stage during the week, and for me it’s usually to escape the chunky hailstorm of shit I can feel coming on after hearing someone belt out “Take Me to Church”. But you’re not special just because you’re vibing some tunes that are getting played on there at the moment – everyone else in the car will have heard them within a week or two. Recent studies indicate that you people who militantly listen to only Triple J, and then erase songs from your iTunes that get played on any other radio stations are in fact wankers (wæŋ-kərs). So when you start car DJing, press play and then get off your high horse! I’m sure I’d probably like the song you’re playing if I could actually hear it.

DO: Refrain from talking – keep the Humans of New York back-story of each song to yourself please.

DON’T: Talk. So long as you’re controlling the aux cord I still find pretty much everything you’re saying incredibly annoying.

N.B. This one also comes with a drinking game! If you’re a backseat passenger to a Triple J bandit and you’re looking to pass the time / need a distraction from your homicidal thoughts, the rules of consumption for you and your friends are as follows:

One finger – every time they run a hand through their hair

Two fingers – every mention of ‘Triple J’

To the bottom – every song or artist you’ve heard of before

To the bottom + another beverage – every time they take credit for discovering an artist or song that you in fact told them about

‘Mr. / Mrs. September’

You were born for the big stage. You’ve gauged the vibe of the car, and you sit back and play a juicy variety of old classics and new tunes that hit the spot. You savour the seconds of silence between songs to let the satisfaction of those sitting behind you sink in. Congratulations, you’ve either paid attention to my first blog, or you’ve just learnt your lesson from the mistakes of the fallen who have gone before you and used a little common sense. Rock on.