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Will I Ever Be Able to Fall in Love Again If I Have Just About Given Up on Dating?

I am a heterosexual woman, but I am finding it increasingly more difficult to become attracted to men. I would like to love someone, but I doubt I can. I had online dating profiles (recently deleted all of them) and I do get some level of interest from men, but I tend to not be interested back. The last few men I did become attracted to rejected me and I’ve been in a downward spiral of hopelessness ever since. I feel like I should just give up on dating – I’m definitely not in the right place for it at present. But I’ve been here for about 18 months now. Theoretically I’d like to meet some new people, but in practice I don’t see it going anywhere, so why bother? Is this a passing phase that people go through when dealing with rejection and other disappointments in love? Will I ever be able to ‘fall in love’ again, or have I passed some point of no return?

Heather

If you really, truly believe that there is no point to dating, it would make absolutely no sense for you to keep dating. If you really, truly believed that there was no way to lose weight, it would make absolutely no sense for you do keep dieting.

Dear Heather,

Your question is an important one.

And to any reader who has an important question, I would highly encourage you to type it in the Lijit Search box on the left. Dating and relationship issues, while intensely personal, are often quite universal. And after 2 ½ years of writing this advice column, I may well have dealt with your personal question already.

But the reason I’m writing again is because it’s so important and it comes up for EVERYBODY.

If you really, truly believe that there is no point to dating, it would make absolutely no sense for you to keep dating. If you really, truly believed that there was no way to lose weight, it would make absolutely no sense for you do keep dieting. And so on.

We live life according to our beliefs. And since, in our brains, there’s no difference between fact and belief, it should be no surprise that wrong beliefs could create a considerable roadblock.

“The last few men rejected me” becomes “All men will always reject me”.

“I’ve been doing it for 18 months without success” becomes, “I will never have success”.

These are normal conclusions to draw, but they are patently FALSE conclusions. You know how I know this? Because I went out with more people than you – over 300 in 10 years. And if I had quit after “a few women” rejected me or because “18 months” had passed without being in love, I would not be married right now.

Understand, the people who succeed in ANYTHING are the ones who are able to fight through discomfort and failure. People who want to play it safe can continue to lead a safe, low-stakes life. There’s certainly nothing wrong with it. You can be perfectly content with your job, your friends, your yoga, your cat, your workshops and your spiritual life. And if that’s all you want, that should make things extremely simple. No need for dating, no need for trial and error and failure and confusion and rejection…and no possibility of finding everlasting love.

That’s your call, Heather. But don’t make the mistake of concluding that because it hasn’t yet happened for you, it will never happen for you. The only way for it to happen, however, requires an act of boldness on your part.

The people who succeed in ANYTHING are the ones who are able to fight through discomfort and failure.

You must vow to try dating in a NEW way.

Why? Because the OLD way isn’t working, hasn’t worked, and, most likely will never work.

And that’s where I want to acknowledge the validity of “why bother” syndrome. If you refuse to change anything from the way you were doing it before, then yes, there is absolutely no point in continuing to date.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

So if you want to know why you read this advice and yet nothing’s changed in your love life, ask yourself – are you doing anything different? Or are you reading, understanding, nodding your head…and STILL doing everything the same?

I don’t care whether you buy anything from me. My concern for you is whether you’re actually taking any new action. Budgeting 30 minutes a day to date online. Setting up one new date a week. Opening up to people who might not be on your radar. Screening a bit longer before meeting. Giving people a chance to shine on a date.

Knowledge doesn’t get results. Only action does.

Knowledge doesn’t get results. Only action does. So even if you’re the best, brightest, kindest woman in the world, nothing changes unless you DO something different.

In the past month, I’ve had three clients find relationships within 3 months of coaching.

One is 34, one is 35, one is 41. They’re no different than you are. They’re readers who decided to overcome “why bother” syndrome and take their love lives in a new direction.

When you hear me tell client success stories, it’s not pure self-promotion. Really. It’s a means of inspiring you to take new actions and work within a different relationship paradigm.

Why bother, Heather?

Because, to me, not bothering is just another way of saying, “I quit”.

How is saying that men consider women are less worthy of being considered for love and relationships after a certain age any different then saying “men convet youth”? It’s the same thing! That’s basically the underlining message. That’s not completely unfair to say, I don’t think.

Women are told men convet youth because on some level, that’s suppose to be a reminder to women or maybe even a warning. Women are told men covet youth because it’s suppose to give women a better understanding about male thought process. But what do you expect women to do with that information? Feel good? Feel happy? Feel nothing? We can’t make ourselves younger. We can’t change it. Accept it like whipped dogs? Feel more understanding and loving towards men despite being told that men think our value goes down? Hurry to the alter as the time clock is ticking? Buy him porn of 18 year olds and hope he still lets us wash his clothes? I don’t get it. I really don’t. It’s okay to say men convet youth but it’s not okay to understand that those three words basically mean that men think women hold less value and are less worthy of their attention with age.

Men convet youth because they consider women less worthy as they age. Tht’s what “men convet youth” really means. All men? of course not. Enough though to make the statement in the first place. I never made claims that you said it was right or wrong. Just that we are told what male expectations are and are expected to still feel like putting effort into relationships with them despite the message that we are pretty much fighting a loosing battle anyway.

Seriously, I am not trying to fight with you here Evan. Some of the ladies above were commenting on things and I chimed in agreement and I think it snowballed from there. And maybe my comments could have been executed better but I still stand by them. Women get told men convet youth and we are expected to do what with that information? Feel empowered? Or just more honest that even if a guy settles for us after 30, he will always convet youth. I don’t get it what we are suppose to get from that. You are trying to help women understand men but if women are told they are on the decline with each passing year, how is that suppose to help or motivate them?

Why is it my job to spin everything into an empowering, uplifting message? Is that what you think dating coaching is? “You’re perfect. Don’t change a thing. Men will do all the changing and the world will conform to your wishes” Talk about unhelpful advice. What is there to learn from blind validation?

As I see it, I report an objective truth about how men operate and then give guidance about what you should do next. Read my advice. It’s the same message EVERY single time. Yet you keep going back to: “Men shouldn’t operate that way!” But men DO operate that way. They’ll always operate that way.

And that’s my message to you. Stop expecting men to do what YOU want them to do. THAT’s the harmful thing – not ME calling out what we both already observe.

Only by understanding basic principles like: men are visual, men are ego-driven, men are fickle, men don’t care to communicate the same way you do – only by understanding this can you actually make healthy, informed decisions.

Every time you “argue” with me, you’re asking men to change. Every time I write back, I say, “you can’t change men”.

If you find, “you can’t change men,” to be depressing, then I’m sorry, but many women actually find men to love DESPITE what I’m sharing with you. And THAT is the helpful and motivating message you seem to be willfully ignoring.

I look young for my age. I’m glad that I do. My girlfriend (who is older than me) looks young for her age. She’s glad that she does (as am I).

People covet youth. Particularly the appearance of youth. I appreciate my girlfriend’s emotional maturity. But if I could get all that and the way she looked 20 years ago …. Yowza!

My friend Becky is 20 years older than me. I think she is worthy and deserving of love. But I’m not going to date her. She’s too old (for me).

“Women get told men convet youth and we are expected to do what with that information?”

Have you ever noticed the people who say they’re “young for their age” always use it to justify seeking a partner who is younger than them? Then they wonder why it doesn’t work for them.

Let’s say I look 10 years younger than I am. I could date women 10 years younger than me. (And I have.) But to do that, I have to compete against men who are 10 years younger than me. I lose my advantage of looking young, because all my competition shares that advantage. I may be in great shape for my age, but I’m in kind of mediocre shape for 10 years younger.

Instead, let’s say I find a woman who is ten years older than me, but happens to look 10 years younger than she is. Who is trying to date her? Men 10 years older than her, 20 years older than her. Compared to those guys, I look amazing! I’m in phenomenal shape!

That’s what I did with the information. You’ll have to figure out how you can make use of the information.

“If you find, you can’t change men, to be depressing, then I’m sorry, but many women actually actually find men to love DESPITE what I’m sharing with you. And THAT is the helpful and motivating message you seem to be willfully ignoring.”

I’d like to offer a bit of a challenge to the idea that “men covet youth”. Yes, many men do. But I’ve also talked to numerous men who told me that while they appreciated youth, that wasn’t necessarily what they wanted in a serious partner. I’ve had men tell me that dating a woman close to their daughter’s age felt creepy, that they wanted someone who could share a similar history, that they wanted someone with more stability. I’ve been approached by much younger guys who think I’m “cool” and more interesting then women their own age. Many older men who’ve already had kids and don’t want more prefer women in their own age range because younger women usually want children.

Yeah, I know, the media consistently reinforces this idea that younger is better, and we’re constantly told that’s just how men are, but it isn’t true for everyone all the time. I guess that is why “many women actually actually find men to love DESPITE…” the “obstacle of age”.

Sigh. This has gotten ugly. I didn’t read the ‘female expiration date’ discussion in it’s entirety because I’m having a good day so far. However, here are my two cents:

I went to a tour of artist’s studios today and the first studio I visited had a collection of female nude portraits. The women in the photos ranged in age from 20-77 and every shape, size, and race. It is called ‘Bodies Mapping Time’

You cannot see the full nude portraits I saw on this website, but I felt so inspired by seeing this I thought I would share. These photos capture so much of each woman’s personality and life story that, even though they are completely exposed and we can see all of their ‘flaws’, they are beautiful. Look at any one of the women in the portraits and tell me she is ‘worthless’ for any reason.

If you are a woman who comes across a man who prefers to only date women 10 or more years younger than himself what is your impression of that man? That he’s shallow? That he’s deluded himself into thinking he looks /acts younger than he actually is? Perhaps he’s looking for someone he can have control over?

Would you want such a person for yourself? No? Look at it this way, such a man has saved you from weeding him out as potential relationship material. He’s done the work for you.

I totally ‘get’ why supermodels end up with hideous rock stars (think Ric Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova, or Marilyn Manson and … whoever he’s with right now). In fact, that’s the only reason I’d ever wish to be a supermodel myself!

There are different kinds of ‘rock stars’, however, and they are the sexy guys. I’m not just thinking about musicians – many artists, designers, architects, and even college professors can be ‘rock stars’ of sorts. It’s an attitude, not an occupation. I think its the reputation and recognition that these fellows get that turns us on. At least that’s what it is for me!

I’m not sure if JerseyGirl meant to direct her anger toward you, Evan, and sometimes it takes a long time for women to really “get” the message your giving. But you can see how women use blogs like this as a place to vent their very real pain and frustration toward not all, but A LOT of guys. I must admit my own dismay at the quote from today’s blog post, “In the past month, I’ve had three clients find relationships within 3 months of coaching.” One is 35, one is 34, and the other is 41,” I’m thinking, “oh, none of your 47-year-old clients (like me) had any luck this month? :-(” I am one of those women who consistently is told she looks MUCH younger than her age… I think it’s because I am healthy, attractive, and have a childlike face and profile. But I still can’t get men *my own age* to ask me out! If a guy shows interest in me at all, he is generally 5-10 years older than me (or more) and not as good looking as me. Very tough, because when I was younger (I am a widow whose late husband was very handsome), I could attract men near my age whom I considered good looking. Now those guys seem largely to be seeking much younger women. So, guys can be found, but mostly not the good-looking ones anymore, sadly. My therapist says men who are psychologically mature will want to date women their own age. I’m hoping to meet one of those guys who isn’t already taken. : )

However, you’re jumping to more conclusions that haven’t even been implied.

“3 of my clients found love” does not equal “There is no hope for 47-year-old women”. That’s YOU talking, not me.

In fact, about two months ago, I wrote a post about a 73-year-old client who found a boyfriend after 8 weeks of dating coaching. Could you imagine a 29-year-old woman reading that and thinking, “Gosh…Evan helped a 73-year-old woman find love…what hope is there for me?”

This is what happens when we personalize statements of fact. You make yourself upset over something that should be inspiring: people who work with me are successful. Last month, it was three women from 37-41. Next month it might be you!

Thanks for the reply, Even; I feel honored. I know, I shouldn’t jump to conclusions… just that in your quoted statistics for the month there were no successes over 45, but you’re right that it’s important not to generalize and that was just the past month. Bravo for the 73-year-old… I will have to check that post!

One more point I wanted to make is that I personally feel that the playing field between men and women will begin to even out to some degree when technologies like egg freezing are perfected (too late for me) and perhaps even artifical gametes are developed… but I know that latter one is very much in the future and is at present still rather in the “science fiction” category. I really believe it is largely a man’s ability to reproduce that gives him the bargaining chip where age is concerned.

My problem is that I still want a child, but it would have to be by egg donation, at this point, which I prefer to adoption. So, I find myself lying about my age on dating web sites, just to have the chance to hear back from men who want kids. Tonight, for example, on plentyoffish where I’ve listed myself as 42 (I am 47), I have a message from a handsome 58-year-old who wants to have a child (he thinks he’s writing to a woman 16 years his junior, whereas even at 47, I am still 11 years his junior!). Now, what do I do, and when do I come clean? I hate being dishonest and I shouldn’t do it, but I’m in the delicate position of still very much wanting to give birth to a child in a country where egg donation still isn’t mainstream (and in my case, it needs to happen fairly soon!). I would be interested in your view on this or even a blog post on it, because I don’t believe you have dealt specifically with the issue of egg donation and men’s views on it. This would be huge for me as a blog post, and I bet for many other women as well.

Really appreciate your honesty on this site regarding your own life, dating experiences, and marriage. I think it’s why I read your blog.

I find it so interesting that women complain that men seek younger women when women are also seeking younger men — not men who are younger than they are per se, but men who are younger than the men who contact them. Either way, both types of preferences are placing a higher value on someone younger. For me, a guy who is only 5 years older than I am IS my age. If the acceptable age range for a woman is plus or minus 2 years, she could be eliminating a whole bunch of good men. When I was in my 20’s, my long term boyfriend was 10 years older. When I started dating again in my 40’s, my long term boyfriend is also 10 years older than I am. We both are active, young at heart, and always up for an adventure. There are lots of people in their 50’s and 60’s who are vibrant and full of life. I don’t think people should date anyone for whom they don’t feel some kind of attraction, but giving someone who is 5 to 10 years older might not be such a bad thing.
It’s been noted once or twice on this blog, but the parallels between finding a job and finding a mate or so similar. I have a friend looking for work who complains that when he is was seeking a job 15 years ago, he got multiple overs within 3 weeks of beginning his search. Now he is been searching for over a year without any offers from his field. While I greatly empathize with him (I’m looking for work myself), holding on to what happened in the past only serves to make you feel bad and does nothing to help you adjust to what’s happening now.
I think the same holds true for dating. Holding on to the men or women you could get in the past — who are ignoring you now — only serves to make you feel bad. You just need to focus on what can you do right now to get a good partner.

but giving someone who is 5 to 10 years older might not be such a bad thing.

Of course not – but it depends on the decade, and on what you want out of life. for example, if you are a woman of 44 who expects to have satisfying sex, and on a regular basis, then a man of 54 might not be a bad choice; but if you are a woman of 54, then a man of 64 might (I said might) present a few problems – and if you are woman of 64 dating a prospect who is 74… well, the same applies, only more so.

@Kenley #48
I absolutely love these lines from your post:
*holding on to what happened in the past only serves to make you feel bad and does nothing to help you adjust to what’s happening now.*
It applies to so many things.

@Rose #46
I sympathize with your situation. I wonder if you’ve considered a couple of things though:

-when do you, or when do you plan to, reveal your real age to your dates? Do you disclose your real age in teh written section of your profile? The pyschologically healthy men you were referring to a few posts ago would most likely not appreciate being lied to, even if you consider it to be a minor one
-Say you began corresponding with a man that said he wanted children. At some point after you’ve been dating and developing feelings, what if he says he didn’t mean it, he only said it because he knew a lot of women wanted kids. You’d likely feel deceived and angry- you don’t want to cause that feeling in someone else.
-Based on my (admittedly limited) knowledge of egg donation, there are no gurantees. I’m guessing you’d want someone who is just as dedicated to seeing the effort through as you are. I believe you have a better shot of finding that guy if you are honest from the beginning.

Are you on any other website besides POF? eHarmony is somewhat known for having family-oriented clientele, over a large age-range.
Regardless, i wish you the best.

Please allow me to remind you that the ONLY person who said that women were worthless was JerseyGirl. Sigh.
———————————————————————————-
That’s not what I said at all. Lets agree that neither one of us likes being misqouted.
And I certainly never said that you should be telling us we are perfect. Infact, I find it a little insulting that you persist in using this arguement when it’s so far from the subject. It’s not a matter of you blowing sunshine up our you know what. It’s a discussion.
It doesn’t depress me that “you can’t change men”. What depresses me are the comments that men are selifsh, fickel…etc etc etc. And that you just want women to accept it so they can get a few scraps of affection. Men don’t stop being selfish or fickle just because you get inrelationships, at least by your very own reasoning. It seems that women are expect to give more and keep give more of themselves then men are expected to. That’s not motiviation. And telling women “hey you are too old but you MIGHT get a man to throw you a bone” isn’t motivation either.

@ Rose #46
You think that the playing field is going to “even out” with technologies such as egg freezing?
What do you think is going to happen when sex robots are invented? Sure it may not happen for another 50 years, but what guy is going to want to ask a live girl to dinner, when he can bang “Angelina Jolie” for the night, over and over, and not have to deal with any compromises of a relationship?

My situation is related to the posters…yet different. She talks about feeling “hopeless.” Clearly she WANTS to be in love with someone. Me, (I am male) am just plain not interested for the first time in my life.
I posted a profile and began dating just because that is what I have always done after being alone for a while. Over a month and a half I filtered through many profiles, communicated with a few dozen and went out on first dates with maybe 7-8, and second dates with 3-4, and a couple of third dates, one fourth and fifth. . . For the first time I did not find myself falling for anyone , at any level. Usually I will at least be a little interested in some. I got along well with the ones I saw more than once. I enjoyed talking to them and with and a couple of them I felt very compatible regarding values, life outlook etc. I never felt the desire to kiss anyone, except at the end of one of the first dates (it just felt right in that one moment). I kept seeing one of the more interesting women a few times more waiting to want to become romantic, but in the end I decided I am just not interested. I told my remaining contacts how I felt and that I did not want to waste any more of their time and pulled down my profile.
Yet, I know I am happier when I am in a relationship. I know I miss having someone to hold, and yes I still have the “urge.” My whole life I have wanted to be in a happy relationship, and now no one, including some rather attractive (both physically and mentally and socially) women leave me uninterested.
I plan on just living my life, and waiting until I start feeling a desire to hit on someone. That will be when I know that maybe I am ready, but right now I don’t think that will ever come. I think I may be done with that part of life.

As a man who has stopped dating,and sees not point in it because I have assets,and there is no way I am getting married in this country where woman leave marriage 70 percent of the time,getting alimony,child support,bankrupting the men and that good ol maternal presumption in divorce courts??Uh no….

Most if not every woman I have ever met is only interested in one thing,not what I even look like,my personality,anything…just what do you do and how much do you make,some woman even point blank ask you that-

Some woman have tried to find out what people in my family,or even friends have???

Womans attitudes are so horrible nowadays,why even talk to someone who’s head is big,with such a sense of entitlement.

I am not even interested in sex with the modern day woman with std levels.

Woman arent getting it today,maybe the reason your single is because of you-

All I want in a woman is someone who is honest,in shape and fun to be with who if I did marry,wouldnt someday rape me in divorce court,and american men cant even find that,and after seeing all of our friends divorced and bankrupted by woman,with the woman in a lot of cases making the kids hate the man,whats the point.

To much liability,to much drama.Woman are like crazy rich men,fical with to many options,woman thinking they can have it all because they think every man in the whole world will throw themselves at a set of boobies,there are men like that,they are called losers.

We are real men though,honesty and big accomplishments trump fake boobs anyday.Men are evolving,old school tough real rich men are tired of old school tramps-spread the word ladies,we are getting tired.

I got new pics professionally taken, and had my profile professionally re-written, and now by response rate is near zero. I thought going from “separated” to “divorced” would help, but it hasn’t. All my change of marital status had done, is cost me a fortune in health insurance.

The men I meet in real life act all friendly when they meet me, get my phone # and don’t call. I mirror, I don’t chase men, I smile, I flirt, I dress cute, I fix my hair, do my make up, stay in shape, etc. Mostly what I get on match are winks and being made someone’s favorite.

I do have a first date mid next week, but since the default setting is “failure”, I won’t hold my breath.

It’s been 3 years since my second hubby left me. The first year I was re-bounding and had NO DESIRE to be with a man. When I started out dating, I was very positive and hopeful, as it was a very attractive man who literally came crawling through my computer screen to meet me (he contacted me through my meet up profile, I wasn’t on meet up to meet a romantic partner, I was just there to get out of the house) So, I reluctantly met with this man, he was very anxious to be in a relationship with me, but started treating me like crap once I agreed to be his exclusive girlfriend. So I broke up with him. (a few times, he kept asking me to give him another chance, but eventually I ended it for good)
I wish I had stayed in the mindset when I had NO DESIRE to be with a man. I was at peace with my decision to consider my last husband to be my last relationship. I had my friends, my activities, my son, my job, my health and my home. I had a contented life. I was over my hubby, in fact, came to realize that our marriage was really toxic, and that I was better off, even tho’ I was not the one to end it.
All that happened when he reached out to me for a relationship, when I was minding my own business and not looking, is it stirred up desires and FALSE HOPE ! After I broke up with that first “almost relationship”, I had the false hope that if I did start dating again, I could successfully find a relationship. My desires for a relationship were stirred up again. But now, all I’ve experienced is 2 years of false starts, men who ONLY want sex, being rejected by the men I want, and being wanted by the men that I am not AT ALL attracted to. But do you think that would kill my desires ? No. So all that has happened is I got a taste of honey, which is worse than none at all. So here I am, stuck with my womanly longings, and no hope of having them fullfilled. I feel like a heroin addict who was clean for a year, then stupidly thought she could just shoot up again “just once”.
Love and sex ARE an addiction. Since I am unable to find a suitable long term supply, I wish I COULD kick this bad habit, but I seem to be drawn back into this losing game, again and again and again.
My only 2 choices seem to be : I can want a man I can’t have, or I can have a man I don’t want.

Back to the original poster. … you sound a bit depressed. You should talk to someone professional.
Also, your lack of interest in everyone into you sounds like it needs examining. It sounds like it’s masking a deep ambivalence toward love. I think if you can rekindle your enthusiasm for life you may get back on track.

Part of the problem might be unrealistic expectations, with the majority of the women chasing the same top tier men. OkCupid did a major study and found that the majority of the women on their dating site considered 80% of the men on the site as unacceptable to date, oddly the men on their site only found 20 % of the women as unattractive.

Drilling down into their statistics it was also found that the women with profiles on OkCupid also had already rejected the majority of men on the site with just one metric, height. Most were looking for men 6′ or over, but only 14.5 percent of the male population is 6′ or over, and only 3.9 % are 6’2′ or over. When you take the number of tall men who are too young, too old or gay out of the mix you’re probably only left with about 3 – 5% of the male online dating population to draw from…If you pop other metrics in there such as baldness, weight, income etc… the numbers of “acceptable men” shrinks into unicorn territory

And since, in our brains, there’s no difference between fact and belief, it should be no surprise that wrong beliefs could create a considerable roadblock.

I used to believe that, but I am having serious doubts.

You see, I have always felt I was the best catch a man – any man, bar none – could ever hope for. And yet I haven’t been in a relationship for DECADES (mostly because I haven’t been attracted to anyone), and I don’t think anyone ever did love me.

Now that my physical appearance has waned somewhat (I am over 50), I think nobody will fall in love with me ever again – certainly no-one I would be interested in. I am stil considered very attractive, but if I didn’t attract love when I was in my physical prime, I don’t think it’s going to happen now.

But this is not about me. I just wanted to say that I think the “mind over matter” thing may have its limitations when it comes to self-image.

P.S. I am well aware that this – I – may sound terribly vacuous. It’s not like that at all. I mentioned my physical appearance/sexual appeal because it IS essential to attracting the opposite sex in the first place; but if I thought of myself as such a catch it was because of all the other riches I had to offer.

Heather: you might want to consider just *being* for a while rather than attempting to relate. There’s a great Tedtalk by Tracy McMillan that helped me immensely by changing my view on relationship. Hope it helps you too 💗

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