the lives of patients - Speech Language Pathology Personal Statement

I need help! What do you guys think of this personal statement for Speech Pathology? It's still pretty rough but its due in 2 days.

Do you remember the first time you met someone who couldn't express themselves? Not someone who simply had trouble "finding the right words." I mean, someone who was unable to articulate everyday, mundane thoughts and observations? The first time I met someone like this, I began to develop a clearer understanding of how I wanted to influence the world around me.During a clinical observation in my first language disorders class at Penn State, I was introduced to a twenty year old girl with traumatic brain injury who was undergoing language therapy. While the patient had slight gait abnormalities, she otherwise seemed perfectly "normal." That was, until I heard her attempt to speak. The patient had suffered from cognitive and communicative....SEE BELOW

In brief, I have been fortunate enough to have a variety of experiences that have lead me to complete confidence in my future ambitions as a Speech Language Pathologist. I have the motivation, passion, and skills that, with the knowledge from a Master's degree at ------- College, will allow me to impact the lives of patients similar to those I have encountered thus far in my studies and experiences. I hope that you will give me the opportunity of receiving a higher education at the renowned ------ University so that I may fulfill my potential.

alternative conclusion: These experiences have left no question or doubt in my mind as to what I want to do professionally. I seek more challenge and growth at ----- College, where my insight into the clinical field, research experience, patience, and optimism is valued. I have the interest and the skills to effectively deliver speech and language therapy, and I would welcome the opportunity to earn my Master of Science degree in Speech and Language Pathology at ------ College.

This is SO GOOD. its so well written and it flows very well. I hope to someday go into speech pathology myself and I was really inspired by what you have done. I like the first conclusion more it really highlights how passionate you are. any college would be stupid to turn you down. its really great. good job (:

This is a personal statement that has to be 300 words.If anyone could give me grammatical/flow/general advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!!

Do you remember the first time you met someone who couldn't express himself? The first time I did, I think it's what changed my life.During a clinical observation in my first language disorders course, I met Jenny, a twenty year old girl with TBI. Following a car accident, she suffered from cognitive and communication deficits and difficulties with executive functioning. I remember the SLP asking her to describe in detail how to make a sandwich. Jenny managed to talk about going to the kitchen and opening the refrigerator, but she couldn't remember or explain what to do next. She had lost the simplest of communication skills. I felt for Jenny and found myself fascinated with her issues. I also was impressed with the hope the therapist gave Jenny. It made me realize that this was the type of impact I wanted to have on someone's life.With this focus, I found academic success in my prerequisite courses and sought to learn more beyond the classroom. I observed SLPs and audiologists at the North Shore/LIJ Hearing and Speech Center, where I witnessed different therapies, modified barium swallows, and laryngeal stroboscopies. In addition, while assisting Lynn Spivak, Ph.D., the director of the center, I interviewed parents of infants who failed their hearing screenings but did not receive follow-up for hearing aids. Here, I learned of the fears faced by parents whose children are born with hearing problems.Eager to explore other types of therapies, I applied for a teacher assistant position at the Brookville Center for Children's Services where, among other things, I perform ABA therapy in a classroom of children with severe autism.These experiences have strengthened my resolve to become an SLP. I have the motivation and passion that, with the knowledge from a master's degree at Queens College, will allow me to impact the lives of those in need.

The first time I did, I think it's what changed my life.---The grammar is a little messed up here. The first time I did, I think ---doesn't work. The first time I did, I think it's what it changed my life.---less is more! :-)

... that this was the type of impact I wanted to have on someone's life.---or.. people's lives. Or just.... ....the type of impact I wanted to have. ---less is more!

Nice... these are very solid essays. One way to improve might be to show that you are reading all the recent studies that are changing the field of SLP. At the forefront of every field, new research is changing the whole thing, and you can impress the reader with some reference to the most modern advancements. That proves your seriousness.