Labour reveals bold plan to lose next election

Socialism will return to the centre of British politics and the excesses of capitalism will end under Labour plans that are never going to happen.

Shadow chancellor John McDonnell: less likely to become the actual chancellor than Ronald McDonald

More industry intervention, looser trade union rules and a basic universal income are among the party’s plans to ensure it loses the next general election.

Shadow chancellor John McDonnell won a standing ovation by telling conference delegates: “It’s called socialism and we don’t have to whisper it anymore. We don’t even have to say it anymore. We don’t have to say anything anymore.

“We can take the next four years off. Or we can get it tattooed across both arse cheeks and moonie at the right-wing electorate.

“That’s the beauty of giving up on winning and chasing ideals instead.”

Labour activist Christine Cagney said: “No more New Labour compromises just to get in power. Now we can have what we want.