Katie Holmes Anguish at Imaginary Giant Reptile

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are to divorce after long held rumours about their union were confirmed. Holmes is said to be heartbroken at finding out that Cruise's claims regarding his shapeshifting ability are unfounded. Claims which have since transpired instead to be merely his acting career.

She is said to feel religously betrayed after believing he was a giant, autocratic reptile, when infact he is a giant, autocratic dwarf. She is also said to have believed his claims and subsequent visual 'proof' about his being a cocky cocktail waiter, preening pithy pilot, arsey American agent and future cock cop, amongst many, many, many others.

Help had been seeked before through the shape of a marriage counsellor named Dawson, but his observations on the couple had led them to believe that saving the relationship was mission impossible.

Meanwhile Dawson was exposing creeks in the relationship and eventually forced Holmes to reach for the gun on the top shelf, not the last samurai sword on the bottom, and pull it on him as she asked if he was in all seriousness a few good men and not actually just one, "by the name of jerry maguire perhaps?" After sniggering, he said to her, "no one will ever believe you, you are in the minority. Report this and you will be nothing more than collateral to me. I'll tell the narc about your far and away cocktail of drug-use it'll feel like you're in the middle of a war of the worlds and no cocaine vanilla sky for you, the media are hardly going to believe you (snigger again) it'll be like an interview with a vampire, i've imprisoned you for so long you dont even know the colour of money!" "Magnolia?" she replied. "Haha its like you were just born on the fourth of July, he declared in a firm voice. She accused him of being deceitful to which he replied he did it for her own naive good sayin he was "lyin' for lambs", then Holmes unleashed one shot in his face, relieved at getting rid of this reptile-come-actor-come schizophrenic sufferer who had been her rock of ages.

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