DISCLAIMER: All situations and statements hereby listed are factual. These questions are coming from well educated and well off families of Delhi who uphold a social reputation in the community and are looking for an arranged marriage. All the men are above the age of 30 years.

Welcome to India… a place where parents teach kids to not talk to strangers for the first 25 years, and then ask the kids to sleep with one aka the land of arranged marriage.

And the nightmare is when the stranger is an A-class A-hole. Sometimes, you can never tell until the first anniversary, who your spouse truly is but other times they don’t even bother to be discreet during their first impressions.

As a single girl of marriageable age (by Indian Shaadi Rulebook), I have had my fair share of the stranger and the strangest. It is acceptable to deal with guys who are cocky, but it is another thing when they being outright cocks. Read on to see the torture I’ve been through.

The boys…

1. Aap dope karte ho? Ji main toh karta hu. I go to Ibiza every year for 15 days just to smoke up!This was our first conversation. I am not against those who smoke up, but those who show off about it are just juvenile. I wanted to say, ‘Haanji, sehat ke liye acha hota hai. Kabhi Varanasi se Ganga kinaare wala try karna!’

2. I scream at women, even my mom. So you will have to give me my space. Perhaps even on our Honeymoon.So the guy who screams at his mom needs space on the Honeymoon… Hmm… Tempting! How can I ever resist?

3. Please address me as “Ji”This is not my story (phew!): the bride called off the wedding three days before the big day because the groom took offense when her father did not address him as damaad ‘JI’.

4. I am not monogamous, and I have a weakness for women. So expect that some 10 years down, I will keep mistresses. Will give full respect to wife and legitimate kids in society, and my lover will stay separately.“Weakness for women”?! I was struggling to hold my laughter back. That is literally what a dick would say!

5. First meeting: We encourage you to work, if you would like to. We appreciate it.Second meeting: You know, you COULD work. But then, we are all very used to our mom staying at home all day and watching her TV. You COULD do that too.Me: Umm… Subtle much?

The mothers-in-law-to-be…

1. Beta, if you don’t watch serials, what do you do all day?!Me: Maybe have a life?

2. During one of the arranged marriage meets, the Aunty was sitting right next to me. So close that we were joined at the hip, literally. As I picked up my phone to check it, she started peeking. First into my screen, then inside my top!

The fathers-in-law-to-be…

1. Betaji aapka weight kitna hai?Let me make this clear: people call me lean. Yet this uncleji was eyeing me as if I was a fat chicken. This particular one disgusted me, as he works for the CBI and is supposed to be of a “good” family.

2. Beta, my son has seen over 300 girls. Westerns pehen ke aana.First, numbers? What are you? ScoopWhoop? Second, “westerns”? Who roams around in a petticoat and blouse, anyway?!

3. Bhai sahib (to my dad), budget kitna rakhenge? 10% aap upar-neeche de dena, but wedding to destination hogi! Budget thik se fix karenge. Budget.. blah blah blah… Budget. Budget.. Budget…I swear, if he had said ‘budget’ once again, I would have thrown him out of the house.

Needless to say, all these questions were asked during the first meeting, because a second one is absolutely unthinkable. Such specimen ought to be kept in custody and researched upon, for surely they cannot belong to the normal human race that you and I do. Or if they do, then I’m going to marry an Orangutan!