The Donahues Episode 84

Ethan plans for the special election and ways to fight off his two opponents, Madeline begins working at the Stara Institute and Ryan is intimidated while filming for KDGM

Submitted:Apr 4, 2013
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THE DONAHUES

"SPECIAL ELECTION"

TV-MA DLS

"What necessitates an urgent and immediate response...with a
preventing of decay, has joined the marketing of peace. As
something declared as a priority. Like education and jobs! And
the outsourcing done of both...to feed those teased by greed"

Lawrence Pertillar

(We start with Ethan in his Mayoral Office. His sleeves are
rolled up and he is lighting a pipe full of weed and inhaling its
contents. Evan walks in)

EVAN: Mr. Mayor, what the hell? You can't smoke weed in here!
Actually, you can't smoke it anywhere!

(Ethan exhales)

ETHAN: Fuck off, I get migraines, this is medical.

EVAN: Medically DANK!

ETHAN: So now you're pro-weed?

EVAN: No, it's just, you don't want to do anything that the
Sarandon or Satch campaign could use against you. And "the
Mayor's office smells like my cousin's basement" is premium
fodder which he would use to discredit you.

ETHAN: Maybe we can say that all the pharaonic missteps we've
made in the last few days was a convoluted April Fool's day joke.

EVAN: Including me spraying the protestors? I don't know if
they'll go for that palter.

(Ethan takes another hit)

ETHAN: Maybe we should convince the voters that Brian and Irville
don't exist…

EVAN: Okay, I'm going to leave before you start telling me how
much you want cookie cake.

(Evan leaves)

ETHAN: …Shit, I want cookie cake.

(Cut to former Mayor Sarandon in a boardroom with numerous
advisors)

BRIAN: Okay, we have got to string together a plan of attack that
is both scathing and perspicuous of the people's wariness for
such base political attacks. We need something positive but not
unrealistic and we need something daring, but not audacious. Do
you guys understand?

ADVISOR: Uh…yeah. Wow, that was actually a very sober way of
looking at things, Brian.

BRIAN: Thank you. How are we going to rip Ethan Donahue a new
asshole so he can have his other one cleaned in preparation for
the enormous shit he's going to take when I beat him in a
landslide?

ADVISOR: Wow, um, we have some key gaffes and missteps with which
we can pillory him. Obviously, number one is the spraying of the
protestors off his lawn.

BRIAN: Oh yes, that one was made to order. Speaking of which, do
you guys want to break for lunch?

ADVISOR: We just got started.

BRIAN: Fiiine…

ADVISOR: Anyway, we can also use his embarrassing speech at Saint
Jerry's Catholic Church against him. He was ripped apart by the
flock. It was like watching a man get drawn and quartered by
sheep.

BRIAN: That's terrific! We have a campaign!

ADVISOR 2: Well, there is one or two issues.

BRIAN: What?

ADVISOR: First of all, we don't have the guarantee of Vermont
Attorney General William Sorrell that he will not try to
prosecute you for perjury if you become Mayor again.

BRIAN: Okay, but do we have like, a tacit understanding? Maybe a
coy wink?

ADVISOR: We don't have any indication whatsoever.

ADVISOR 2: We need to do everything short of giving him a handjob
and beyond!

BRIAN: What are his likes? What are his dislikes? What does his
wife look like-

(Cut to the advisor holding an iPad)

ADVISOR: I already found out all of that.

BRIAN: AH-URRGHH…sorry, I kind of wanted you guys to stake him
out. But I guess Facebook did all the work! Give me the skinny,
Darryl.

DARRYL: Well, he likes Daniel Tosh, he dislikes drama, he loves
those York peppermint patties and his wife looks like a baked
potato with cheese.

ADVISOR 2: Alright, Darryl and I will stake out Attorney General
Sorrell later. For now however, we need to make certain there are
no gaffes that impinge our chances at victory. So, if someone
asks you a question and you have a story to relate about
something involving Mexicans, what do you say?

BRIAN: Well, I grew up in Montpelier and we employed maids and
one of them was a Gordita from down south.

DARRYL: STOP. Gordita? The Mexican food item?

BRIAN: What of it?

ADVISOR 2: Don't say Gordita! Say "Mexican-American" and maybe
even add in "uber-jobs synergy bootstraps" just to fill in your
buzz word quota. Also, say the word "buzz word" a lot, because it
in itself is a buzz word.

BRIAN: Got it.

DARRYL: We'll need the support of minorities, so be sure not to
defend slave-owners like that guy at the GOP minority outreach
conference.

BRIAN: Wow, I'm not sure if I can do it.

ADVISOR 2: The good news is you don't have to renounce
slave-owners either.

BRIAN: Okay, I think I can handle it.

ADVISOR 2: Don't mention affairs, think before you speak, think
before you don't speak, honestly, think before you breathe, think
before you think!

BRIAN: I get it, Glenn!

GLENN: Sorry, you're just extremely gaffe-prone.

BRIAN: I only gaffe when people don't expect it, so when you
expect me to gaffe I won't gaffe.

DARRYL: But now I won't expect you to gaffe when I'm expecting
you to gaffe, so by your own logic, you'll gaffe.

BRIAN: …Sorry?

DARRYL: Never mind, the good news is we have one indispensable
tool at our disposal.

BRIAN: And what's that?

DARRYL: Irville Satch can split the vote.

(Brian smiles)

BRIAN: OH SHIT!

(Cut to Irville Satch campaigning with Amy and an embarrassed
Sarah on a stage with an audience watching in some auditorium.
Posters reading "SATCH 2013: I LIKE THAT!" drape the auditorium.
Irville is holding a microphone)

IRVILLE: I will dedicate my sweat to working for the people of
Hansbay! All my life I have been sweating like crazy for the
people of Hansbay, and sweat and sweat and sweat, I will sweat
for them! I guarantee you something and mind you, I'm
guaranteeing you something that is physically impossible. My
blood was at one point 0.8% sweat. Now, you may ask, "if you're
using hyperbole why would you pick such a low number?" I'll tell
you, because 5% sweat would just be stupid!

AMY: OWWW!

IRVILLE: Thank you, my beautiful fiancée Amy, everybody…okay,
anyway, I will support the cause of the AFL-CIO tug boat
operators! (Huge applause) Thank you. We will get rid of the
establishment that has ruled Hansbay politics for too long! We
need to stop kids from snorting wood chips to get high, we need
to make more coins with weird little stuff on 'em and most of
all, we need to bring back walkmen! Also, Watchmen, that was a
good comic.

SARAH: Oh my God…

(Cut to Ethan, Tatum, Conan, Evan and Maria in a boardroom
meeting)

TATUM: If you want to beat Sarandon, you have to go straight for
the nut sack.

ETHAN: He's a corrupt, incompetent, philandering alcoholic who
might become an indicted perjurer if elected, how the hell will
this be hard?

EVAN: Ethan, you've alienated the labor vote, they could go for
either Satch or Sarandon.

CONAN: Plus, you've alienated the religious vote.

ETHAN: Just give them thirty pieces of silver and they'll come
crawling back.

EVAN: I'm not so sure.

ETHAN: Let's get something straight, I'm the Republican, Irville
Satch is the Democrat, so what the hell is Sarandon?

TATUM: He's running as an Independent.

ETHAN: Ah yes, an independent. Otherwise known as a pussy who
can't pick sides.

EVAN: It's a necessity for him.

ETHAN: We're Republicans, were we going to get the labor vote
anyway?

CONAN: We might've! Believe it or not, Irville Satch is not the
most popular union member since sliced bread.

ETHAN: Oh yeah, I remember Sliced Bread. Where did he end up?

CONAN: He's wherever Jimmy Hoffa's buried.

ETHAN: So, should we discredit Satch or Sarandon?

EVAN: Satch couldn't win on his own, but he could help Sarandon
win by siphoning votes from you. Brian could be a minority Mayor.

ETHAN: You think they could turn Brian Sarandon black?

EVAN: No, as in, he could get higher number of votes, but the
combined total of the other two candidate's votes was more than
what he got.

ETHAN: So, is it then our job to go after Satch more than
Sarandon?

TATUM: That seems to be our best bet. Sarandon discredits
himself, we just have to hang Satch in a cage and let the public
throw rotten food and toenails at him.

ETHAN: And what about appealing to the minority vote?

EVAN: About that, could we bring in the minority vote?

(Cut to Roger, Ross, Preston and their respective parents sitting
at the table with Ethan, Tatum, Evan, Maria and Conan)

EVAN: This is the minority vote.

JOSHUA HIGGINS: Hi.

ETHAN: So, I get the feeling that the minority vote isn't that
important in a mid-sized town in Vermont.

CONAN: Yeah, not really.

ETHAN: What up, chicas?

ROSS: Did you just call us girls?

ETHAN: Yeah, I'm not doing this. You guys can leave.

(Cut to Ryan, Alan, Kirsten, Luther, Faith, Cooper, Natasha and
the two other girls in the KDGM main room sitting at tables)

NATASHA: I feel great today.

LUTHER: You look disgusting today.

NATASHA: And there it goes.

RYAN: Wow, asshole.

LUTHER: I'm sorry, did I say something?

RYAN: Yeah, you said she looked disgusting!

LUTHER: I'm not the one who is wearing white pants in the winter
time.

RYAN: it's spring.

ALAN: What idea do you have for Mrs. Stem anyway?

LUTHER: As in, what kind of announcements do you have planned?

(Alan and Luther laugh)

ALAN: Maybe we should all do announcements at…Sonic. Like, all
nine of us do one word at a time.

(They all laugh as Mrs. Stem comes in and sits down)

MRS. STEM: Good morning everybody, let's go ahead and get
started. I know we had a bad weather day next week, but it is
time to get back in the flow of things. Speaking of which, you're
all fired.

LUTHER: …Sorry?

MRS. STEM: By "all", I meant Natasha and Faith. Your
announcements on Thursday were completely red! For the first
fifteen seconds we saw you two, but then for the rest we saw a
red screen.

RYAN: Oh yeah, I remember that.

FAITH: Yeah, I don't know how that happened. I'm sorry.

MRS. STEM: YOU'RE sorry? The Assistant Principal SPIT on me for
trying to "indoctrinate the student body into communism using
subliminal brainwashing techniques".

MRS. STEM: GREAT! Anyway, you didn't even get a grade for those
announcements, you got a barbecue sauce stain in the grade book.
The rest of the skits were fine. Now, hand in your ideas. (They
all hand in their ideas on paper and she looks at the first one)
Senioritis? C'mon, that's so unbelievably trite, it's meaningless
at this point.

KIRSTEN: Well, I was thinking we could make it out to be like
where seniors are too tired to do assignments.

MRS. STEM: What a refreshing way to look at it. Moving on, (she
moves to the next paper) what's this noise, Cooper?

COOPER: Okay, I always get the feeling that whenever you're
called down to the office, you always feel really anxious about
what it might be, even if it turns out to be nothing. I was
thinking, the Grim Reaper could bring the office note to somebody
and they could be really scared.

MRS. STEM: That's a great idea, Cooper. I love it. I'll have Ryan
work with you on it because (She looks at Ryan's paper) his
"idea" for today appears to be a desperate call for help and I'll
have to turn it in to the school counselor.

(Mrs. Stem gets up and places the paper in a file labeled "Ryan's
Pleas for Help")

COOPER: Can we go?

MRS. STEM: Yep.

(Ryan and Cooper get up and get their back packs, Ryan grabs a
camera and they walk out of the room. Cut to Ryan and Cooper
walking the hallway)

RYAN: So what do you think we'll need for this?

COOPER: Well, we'll need a scythe.

(He holds up the sickle)

RYAN: I have a sickle.

COOPER: That works. But more importantly, we need-

RYAN: Adventure. Compassion. Love. Friendship.

COOPER: A cloak.

RYAN: Sorry, I've been watching too much anime.

COOPER: Yeah. Anyway, we should get an office note before we do
anything.

RYAN: Oh yeah, I guess we do need that.

(They walk over to the office and enter it to see Morgan, the
somewhat overweight front desk lady)

COOPER: Yo, miss. We're bustin' a skit fo' KDGM involvin' tha
bust of a crib note n' we was wonderin' if you could lend our
asses one so as ta recreate dat sort of situation.

RYAN: What are you doing?!

COOPER: I'm beginning to translate everything I'm about to say on
Gizoogle, that website the translates everything you say into
gangster language. I mean, I'm beginnin' ta translate every last
muthafuckin' thang I'm bout ta say on Gizoogle, dat joint that
translates every last muthafuckin' thang you say tha fuck into
thug language.

RYAN: I should check that site out.

MORGAN: Listen, I don't have the office notes, you need to talk
to Principal Maxell and Assistant Principal Duron.

RYAN: You mean the assistant principal that looks like a
televangelist?

(Ryan and Cooper walk back to see Principal Maxell and Assistant
Principal Duron, a slender, tan, spikey-short haired man with a
light brown suit and golden tie, talking)

PRINCIPAL DURON: I've found that hiding in a Knight costume
doesn't work as well as it does on TV.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Really?

RYAN: Hello Sirs, we-

PRINCIPAL DURON: No, we don't have widespread cheating like the
Atlanta School system.

RYAN: I…what?

PRINCIPAL DURON: Sorry, go ahead.

(A teacher walks out of a nearby bathroom with an empty,
translucent box labeled "failed NECAP Tests" as a toilet flush is
heard behind her)

TEACHER: Excuse me.

(She walks by)

RYAN: …Ignoring that, we were wondering if we could borrow an
office note for a skit for KDGM.

COOPER: See, the skit is-

RYAN: You don't have to explain the skit-

COOPER: THE SKIT IS, a guy is handed an office note by the Grim
Reaper, because people always feel anxious about getting called
down to the office, you see?

PRINCIPAL DURON: Wait, are we going to interrupt any classes?

RYAN: No, we're going to use an empty classroom.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Well Ryan, maybe the classroom you should be
focusing on is Mrs. Tucker's chemistry class.

RYAN: …Sorry?

PRINCIPAL DURON: What is he doing in there?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Nothing.

COOPER: Ooh, gotcha!

RYAN: I, uh…

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I'd say that's pretty GRIM.

(Ryan looks nervous and sort of caught off guard by what's
happening)

PRINCIPAL DURON: You'd think he'd REAP the benefits of a good
education, huh?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I think he lacks the foreSCYTHE to succeed in
that class.

RYAN: I feel kind of-

PRINCIPAL DURON: What do we do to people that lack foreSCYTHE,
Mr. Maxell?

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I think we get them allocution lessons so they
can pronounce "foresight" correctly.

COOPER: Makes sense.

PRINCIPAL DURON: But that's of course after we kill them.

(Ryan is sweating)

COOPER: How would they benefit from allocution lessons if they're
dead?

RYAN: I feel kind of…bombarded right now.

PRINCIPAL DURON: Are you okay?

RYAN: I just said-

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I'll get you that note, gentlemen. Pretty GRIM,
wouldn't you say?

COOPER: Not really.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Forescythe.

(Maxell and Duron walk into an office and Ryan begins breathing
heavily)

RYAN: What the fuck?

COOPER: That was rude.

RYAN: (On the verge of tears) You can do the fucking skit
yourself!

(Ryan forcefully hands Cooper the camera and Ryan trundles away.
Cooper breathes a sigh of agitation. Cut to Madeline entering the
Stara institute in Providence, Rhode Island. She is wearing
jeans, a white dress shirt and a red tie. The receptionist looks
up to see her)

RECEPTIONIST: Hi!

MADELINE: Hi! I'm new here, this is my first day.

(Melody and Kelsey come out of their offices, also in white dress
shirts with red ties)

KELSEY: Madeline!

MELODY: Madeline!

MADELINE: Hey you guys!

(They hug and then un-hug)

KELSEY: How do you feel?

MADELINE: Good.

MELODY: Well, let me bring you to the boss man.

MADELINE: Okay.

KELSEY: He's really nice, don't worry.

MADELINE: I can't wait.

(Madeline, Kelsey and Melody walk over to an office where a man
with a white pallor and curly blonde hair is sitting in a
collared shirt and dress pants. They come in)

MELODY: We have arrived with your new employee! At nineteen years
and eight months, she is the Stara institute's oldest female
employee!

MADELINE: Wait, really?

KELSEY: Yep! I'm nineteen and eight months tomorrow.

MELODY: And I'm a high school drop-out who hasn't reached the age
of consent.

MADELINE: Wow.

(The man gets up and walks over to Madeline)

MAN: Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Donahue.

(The man shakes Madeline's hand)

MADELINE: It's nice to meet you, mister…?

MAN: Sandlin. My name is Stan Sandlin.

MADELINE: Nice to meet you, Mr. Sandlin.

STAN: Please...(Ten second pause) call me Stan.

MADELINE: Okay, Stan.

STAN: Have a seat. (Stan goes and sits behind his desk and
Madeline sits down in front of him) So, are you familiar with
hypnosis and different modalities?

MADELINE: Yes, I have spent the last almost three months studying
hypnosis closely, I find it very interesting when it comes to
finding the mind-body connection.

STAN: You see, this is how I see the mind-body connection,
because a lot of people are talking about the mind-body
connection these days and how it actually works.

MADELINE: When were they not talking about the mind-body
connection?

STAN: Some people use scientific terms and really nail it down.
Some people use kind of loose, pseudoscience and sort of,
airy-fairy metaphysical things and that's fine too.

MADELINE: You just said it was loose and pseudoscientific, how
does that make it fine?

STAN: They can have their vague style of pseudoscientific
bullshit and I can have my strictly scientific field,
hypnotherapy.

MADELINE: Um…

STAN: Anyway, here's how I see hypnotherapy. I'm going to use a
metaphor here, think about your brain, like a crowded bar or
night club. A popular place where people get together to mingle,
dance and engage in compotation. I want you to imagine that every
single person inside that bar represents a thought or a belief,
or an experience or an understanding within your mind. And
they're getting along…pretty much. You know, without any
incident. Maybe the malicious part of you spikes the good part of
you's drink and has a good time in the broom closet, but besides
that there's nothing to worry about. I guess in this case the
broom closet represents…hope? I don't know, anyway, like a bar or
night club, there's a line outside. There are thoughts, beliefs
and experiences waiting outside to potentially get in. And I say
potentially because just like a bar or night club, uh, your brain
has a bouncer. He wears a tight black t-shirt and is named Brett.
So, the person walks up and says he'd like to get in. The first
thing he does is check the ID and make sure the person is of
legal drinking age.

MADELINE: My thoughts, beliefs and experiences drink?

STAN: You are what you drink. And since you're a college girl I
guess you're a JELL-O shot.

MADELINE: Those are good. It tastes like being in an alcoholic
nursing home.

STAN: Anyway, the bouncer takes a good look at the person and
sizes them up. They decide whether or not they'll be a good fit
with the crowd in this night club. They don't decide whether he's
a good person or a bad person, although it is a night club so
it's mostly bad people, but it's not a value statement, it's not
about saying one is better than the other, it's just about saying
what matches. He wants to decide whether this person is like the
other people in this place. For example, a classy, well-dressed
businessman could walk up to a biker bar. And the bouncer will
say "Look, you don't want to go in there. This is not a place
where you're welcome." Or a flamboyantly masochistic homosexual
wearing leather and chains could walk up to a Republican caucus
meeting. And of course he'd be let in forthrightly. And so on and
so forth with all those different examples. So, if I were to say
something that's totally abstract and untrue, like, "your best
friend is really an evil spy who's plotting against you."

MADELINE: Actually, I did have a friend who was an evil spy
plotting against me and my boyfriend.

STAN: Fine, um, "your brother cuts."

MADELINE: My brother does cut.

STAN: Jesus, okay, the point is, you don't believe things that
are foreign to you. If your entire life you've been told, and I'm
not talking about you specifically, but if your entire life
you've been told "you're a dumb bitch, you're a dumb bitch,
you're a dumb bitch", well you have a lot of people in your bar
that say you're a dumb bitch, so if someone comes up and says
"you're a dumb bitch", then that belief is accepted immediately.

MADELINE: I really thought there was going to be an alteration
somewhere in there.

STAN: If someone came up and said "you're an intelligent and
respectable woman", then that's rejected, the bouncer looks
inside and says "eh, it's not true." And sends him on his way.

MADELINE: I don't think I like this bar.

STAN: Anyway in this bar, all these people are really similar, so
they order the same types of drinks. And when I'm talking about
drinks what I'm really talking about is the chemistry of your
body. So a person walks up, or a thought or belief and says "I'd
like some happiness, please". The bartender mixes up a little
dopamine, a little serotonin, maybe just a little bit of
adrenaline.

MADELINE: That sounds like Blue Moon.

STAN: What hypnosis is designed to do is go into your bar and
start ordering other drinks. The reason for that is because this
bartender's a very smart guy.

MADELINE: Are bartenders usually that smart?

STAN: This erudite bartender of mastery cleverly deduces the kind
of people who come in here every day and he ascertains the kind
of drinks that they like. So he keeps those ingredients right on
hand. Right in the well. He might even have a whole batch of it
pre-made, as sort of a house special. And even in the back, in
the warehouse, in the storage, he might have on back order, on
supply, a whole lot of those different ingredients. He might have
barrels full of-

MADELINE: I get it.

STAN: Okay, so the point is, your body is designed to build more
and more of what you're used to building. So this bartender is
able to make more and more of a certain drink because he does it
all the time, it's easy for him. So if you're used to building
lack of self-esteem, well, the bartender's good at making lack of
self-esteem, he makes lack of self-esteem over and over again
every single day. Now, what hypnosis does is bangs those girls so
they can have self-esteem again. Well, that's not the best way to
put it-

MADELINE: Yeah.

STAN: Hypnosis starts ordering self-esteem and happiness and
relaxation for everybody. He starts making friends with everybody
and they're getting along well, because Stan-I mean, Hypnosis, is
a fun guy with a huge schlong and a great personality and
everybody likes him. The bartender says "wow, hypnosis is a big
tipper. Hypnosis made me feel like a woman again."

MADELINE: The bartender's a woman?

STAN: Pretty soon, hypnosis becomes the popular guy at the bar
and he starts throwing events. He creates a guest list, so new
people start showing up that wouldn't normally be there. So the
bartender has to start ordering different ingredients. So that's
the way hypnosis works.

STAN: You're welcome. Would you like me to cite other places they
could potentially keep the ingredients?

MADELINE: No, that's okay.

STAN: Okay.

(Cut to Darryl and Glenn in a parked car outside the Pavilion, a
structure in Montpelier, Vermont that houses the working office
of the Governor of Vermont, the Vermont Attorney General and the
Vermont State treasurer)

GLENN: Alright, so this is where the Governor of Vermont and the
Vermont Attorney General work, what do we know about this guy
William Sorrell as of right now?

DARRYL: Well, William Sorrell was appointed Attorney General of
Vermont in 1997 by then-Governor Howard Dean. He has been
re-elected eight times since then, most recently in 2012. He is a
sixty-six year old man who likes Daniel Tosh, dislikes drama-

GLENN: Just shut up about the little factoids for a second! We
need hawd, hawvawd yawd facts.

DARRYL: Harvard was founded in 1636 by the Massachusetts
legislature-

GLENN: Shut up, shut up, Sorrell is walking out of the Pavilion.

(Cut to Vermont Attorney General William Sorrell walking out of
the pavilion with a suitcase in hand. He gets into a car and
starts driving. In response, Glenn starts his car. They follow
him on the road)

DARRYL: What do we expect to see him doing?

GLENN: He'll probably do some hobby of his and Sarandon can break
the ice like that.

DARRYL: Okay, but this comes dangerously close to stalking.

GLENN: This IS stalking.

DARRYL: I hate to say "I told you so".

GLENN: You shouldn't, because I also told me so.

(Cut to Darryl and Glenn waiting outside Sorrell's house in their
car on the other side of the street at night fall. They both look
bored. Glenn is looking through binocular while Darryl is eating
rice from a bowl)

DARRYL: …You look like Kim Jong Un when you do that.

(Glenn puts down the binoculars)

GLENN: The difference being I have a purpose for my binoculars
and Kim Jong Un is looking at a Grey-Faced Buzzard.

DARRYL: How do you know Korean species of birds?

GLENN: Well they're also found in East Russia, North China
and-sorry, where did you get that rice?

DARRYL: I have a rice cooker, man. These things are amazing,
every morning there's fresh rice.

GLENN: That does sound nice. God, this guy is so boring! What the
hell is he doing in there?!

DARRYL: We should investigate. Time to take this guerilla style.

GLENN: What do you mean?

DARRYL: We should peeping Tom it up!

GLENN: Ah, so peek through the windows to see what he's up to-

DARRYL: Naked!

GLENN: What?! No!

DARRYL: No, I mean we'd be naked.

GLENN: Why?! It's thirty-one degrees outside!

DARRYL: We don't want them to know we're from Sarandon HQ! If
they catch us, we're both two crazy naked guys with no
credentials!

GLENN: Or we could just throw our credentials in that storm
drain!

DARRYL: That's fair.

(They get out of the car, throw their credentials down the drain
and run to the sides of the house)

GLENN: (Whispering) Okay remember, with recent events in Texas,
people might be wary of two guys trying to go after a state law
enforcement official, so be careful.

DARRYL: Wow, I wish you would've mentioned that before we ran
dick-first into this situation.

GLENN: Shh.

(They open a fence and go into the backyard and cozy up next to a
window. They both take furtive glances in to the living room of
General Sorrell. He appears to be watching an episode Tosh.0)

DARRYL: (Whispering) God, this guy LOVES Tosh.0!

GLENN: (Whispering) This is a pretty funny web redemption.

DARRYL: (Whispering) God, I hope we don't see his baked potato of
a wife.

(Cut away from Sorrell to where the shot is only showing Darryl
and Glenn's faces)

(Glenn and Darryl's countenances become even grimmer as sex
noises are heard)

GLENN: (Whispering) Oh my lord, how long has that been out of the
microwave?!

(Cut to Patrick White and Fiona Cadbury at the news desk)

PATRICK WHITE: We begin tonight fourteen hundred miles away in
Mayflower, Arkansas. A massive oil spill has occurred there when
an Exxon Mobil pipeline ruptured in a Mayflower suburb, spilling
thousands of barrels of oil. Exxon Mobil was surprised by the
incident, saying they didn't expect a pipeline that had only
accrued sixty-five years of wear and tear to rupture in such a
manner.

FIONA CADBURY: As per our duty as newscasters, here is some
heartbreaking footage of oil slick covered birds.

(They show several pictures of oil-slick covered birds to the
song "In the Arms of An Angel" by Sarah McLaughlin, then they
show a steak covered in A-1 sauce and then an oil-covered bird on
a beach. Then cut back to them)

PATRICK WHITE: We ran out of pictures of the oil-covered birds in
Arkansas, so the last two were an Arkansas steak and an
oil-covered bird picture recycled from the 1989 Exxon-Valdez
disaster.

FIONA CADBURY: In other news, the special election between the
philanderer and the respectable person is heating up, no I'm not
talking about the special election between former South Carolina
Governor Mark Sanford and Stephen Colbert's sister Elizabeth
Colbert Busch, I'm speaking of the special mayoral election
between former Mayor Brian Sarandon, AFL-CIO Tug boat operator
Irville Satch and acting Mayor Ethan Donahue. Things have heated
up so much, here's a recent ad from the Sarandon campaign.

(Cut to an ad by the Sarandon campaign. It starts off with an
iPhone recording of Ethan at that church on Easter Sunday. He is
speaking on stage)

ETHAN: Do we want three and a half years of Irville Satch?
(People mumble about, many of them confusedly saying "who?")
Exactly. Now-

(A guy who looks exactly and is dressed exactly like the guy
standing up in Norman Rockwell's famous Freedom of Speech
painting stands up in the pews)

FREEDOM OF SPEECH GUY: Hey, what's wrong with this Irville guy?
I'd love to have a fresh face!

ETHAN: Sorry, did I mention Irville Satch is a member of the
AFL-CIO?

FREEDOM OF SPEECH GUY: I'm a member of the AFL-CIO, is there
something wrong with that?

(The tape cuts and shows a screen reading "MAYOR DONAHUE IS
ANTI-UNION")

(Cut to Ethan speaking at the church again. This tape is clearly
edited as there are fast cuts in between words and phrases)

ETHAN: Jesus (cut) is (cut) special.

(The video pauses and becomes dark)

VOICEOVER: Did you hear that? He thinks Jesus was retarded. Is
that a man you want to lead Hansbay? If that doesn't convince
you, what about this? (Cut to cell phone footage of Evan spraying
the protestors with water. The video pauses) Oh s**t, did he just
do that? I think he done did that. Reminds me of, you guessed it,
THE OKLAHOMA CITY BOMBING!

(Cut to Ethan and Evan watching this on TV in Ethan's office)

ETHAN: I really thought they were going to for the Selma, Alabama
protests, but alright.

EVAN: This is ridiculous! Not content with taking your union
comments out of context and showing that video of me spraying
people, they went ahead and just made shit up!

ETHAN: We have to counter attack somehow. Maybe we should have a
press conference going after the veracity of the ad.

EVAN: I think we should just release a statement challenging the
veracity, I think we should try to stay above the fray and make
Sarandon like petty. Meanwhile, we go after Satch.

ETHAN: Fair point. But how do we go after Satch?

EVAN: I was thinking sabotage. Even if we attack Satch, that
won't convince the union workers not to support him necessarily.

ETHAN: But if we eliminate Satch as an option for union workers,
wouldn't they go for Sarandon?

EVAN: No, because we can say Sarandon didn't do anything for the
unions, while YOU provided the police they wanted.

ETHAN: Genius! But do we go about sabotage?

EVAN: That I'm not sure about.

ETHAN: Hmm…wait a minute…I vaguely remember something…

(Cut to Ryan and Ethan sitting at the dinner table. Ethan is on
his laptop while Ryan is talking and Ethan is clearly
half-listening)

RYAN: So basically, Sarah is upset that Irville Satch is engage
to her mom,

ETHAN: Uh-huh.

RYAN: So I've been helping her work through that. Oh, oh! Let me
describe to you the most recent episode of Tribulations of
Roki-saka!

ETHAN: Interesting.

(Cut to Ethan in his office)

ETHAN: Yes, on Easter, I vaguely remember Ryan saying something
about how Irville Satch is engaged to his friend's mom and how
she's upset. If we want to keep our finger prints off of this, we
could have Sarah Blumenthal sabotage this to get back at her
impending step father!

(Cut to Luther, Alan and Natasha sitting in rolling chairs in the
KDGM studio's computer area)

ALAN: Did you see Kevin Ware break his leg?

LUTHER: YEAH! It sucked because I had Peyton Siva breaking his
leg in my injurious final four, I didn't even have Kevin Ware!

ALAN: it sucked for YOU? I had Luke Hancock cracking his jaw on
the rim! If Zach Price was impaled, I would be rich right now.

NATASHA: Jesus Christ.

(Ryan walks in crying. He throws down his jacket and retreats
into another room in the KDGM studio)

NATASHA: …Should we check on him?

LUTHER: Just leave him alone.

ALAN: But he's an emo, so there's a pretty good chance he'll find
some way to kill himself in there. (They all immediately get up
and dash to the door. Alan tries to open it, but it's locked.
Alan knocks on the door) Buddy? You alright in there?

RYAN: (Through the door) I HATE THIS FUCKING SCHOOL!

LUTHER: We all do, Ryan.

RYAN: I WISH I WAS DEAD!

NATASHA: We all do, Ryan.

ALAN: Natasha!

NATASHA: I meant ME, not you, Ryan.

LUTHER: You still said you wish you were dead, don't think we
didn't notice that.

ALAN: Buddy, what happened?

RYAN: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!

LUTHER: See? Let's just leave him alo-

(Ryan comes out, his face still wet from tears)

RYAN: Okay, get this. Cooper and I go to the principal's office
to get an office for our skit, and we ask Maxell and Duron for
the note, but they just unleash a verbal ASSAULT on me about my
grades, right in front of Cooper! Like, what the fuck?!

ALAN: That is pretty shitty.

LUTHER: Yeah, I thought sure you were crying about something
stupid, like, there not being such things as booths that make you
whiter.

RYAN: I have been a proponent of skin-whitening booths for years,
but no, this is seriously stupid!

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Anyway, Ryan Donahue came to me in an
exasperated state. He essentially said you two made fun of him
for his grades in front of another student.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: We were also making fun of the other student, I
think. Weren't we?

PRINCIPAL DURON: Oh, we tore the other student to shreds.

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Ryan did not mention that. He expressed that
it was akin to a verbal assault.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: A VERBAL assault? Come on. How sensitive are
kids these days?

PRINCIPAL DURON: They can handle running over tons of innocent
people on street corners in Great Theft Automobile, but they
can't handle a good ribbing?

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Well, Ryan has anxiety and depression issues,
so…

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: I suppose we have to "apologize" at this point.

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: I think that would be kellentaughen.

PRINCIPAL DURON: Sorry?

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: Kellentaughen, it's a German word that means
"beneficial in a situation in which you openly insult an emo kid
about his grades in front of another student".

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: God, they have words for everything over there.

PRINCIPAL DURON: How often do you use that word?

COUNSELOR VAMMBERG: More often than you'd think.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Just bring Ryan in here.

(Cut to Ryan sitting at a circular table in Maxell's office. Also
at the table Principal Maxell, Assistant Principal Duron,
Counselor Vammberg and a female assistant principal with a
nametag reading "Mrs. McDermott")

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: it has come to my attention that you were…I
don't want to say offended,

RYAN: You should want to say that, because I was offended.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Maybe irked a little bit by the
comments Mr. Duron and I made to you the morning of April
1st.

RYAN: Yeah, today. Like, half an hour ago.

PRINCIPAL DURON: Right, and we want you to know our intentions
were not malicious. In fact, we were poking jocular fun at Mr.
Dickson as well.

RYAN: I don't recall you doing that.

PRINCIPAL DURON: I don't recall you having good grades in
Chem-(Clears throat) sorry, fresh start. I know you may not
recall it, but it happened.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Yes. We were simply engaging in some delicate
ribbing. And you appeared to have thought that was GRIM.

RYAN: You seem to keep using that joke.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: My humor is notoriously dry, and if you were
offended by that, I apologize.

RYAN: You're sorry I was offended?

PRINCIPAL DURON: No, no, we are EXTREMELY sorry you were
offended.

RYAN: That's not how apologies work, but listen, I suppose the
reason I was so intimidated by your "ribbing" is because you guys
are the most powerful people in the school. (Assistant Principal
McDermott, the woman, clears her throat loudly) And, I suppose
I'm just not used to riffing jokes with the two most powerful
human beings in the school-(Assistant Principal McDermott clears
her throat once again, very loudly) sorry, could someone get the
lady a glass of water? It's rude to not provide women with water
when they're in need of it.

PRINCIPAL MCDERMOTT: Ryan, I'm also an assistant principal here.

RYAN: Yeah, and you clearly need some water.

PRINCIPAL MAXELL: Listen Ryan, part of the reason I wasn't
thrilled about the skit idea you came in with is, the concept of
having the Grim Reaper in a skit didn't necessarily seem
appropriate considering Dirk Jameson and Jim Cornish's deaths ten
months ago, especially since Jim's death was at the hands of YOUR
friend.

RYAN: That was in self-defense!

PRINCIPAL DURON: We get that. But, still. We wanted to make sure
it would be appropriate.

RYAN: I assure you, the grim reaper is not reminiscent of death
in any way.

(Cut to Ryan walking out of the Principal's office to see Cooper
holding a dark cloak, a scary mask and a hall pass)

COOPER: Hey…do you still not want to help?

RYAN: (Deep breath) I'll help.

COOPER: There he is!

(Ryan walks over to Cooper, who pats him on the back and they
start walking down the hallway. Cut to Madeline sitting in front
of a camcorder on a tripod with a mounted mic in front of a blue
background in some sort of room. Kelsey and Melody are standing
nearby, looking elated for Madeline. A man with a thin mustache,
a Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts and a baseball cap is behind the
camera)

CAMERA MAN: (Bronx accent) So, how is this gonna work?

MELODY: Just film her talking, we've gone over the lines with
her.

CAMERA MAN: Okay, so when are you two going to come in?

KELSEY: Oh, we're not in the video.

CAMERA MAN: Oh, is she gonna be doin' it to herself?

MELODY: Pardon?

CAMERA MAN: Sorry, is this not a lesbian porn flick?

KELSEY: Our offices say "Stara Institute of Hypnotherapy".

CAMERA MAN: So wait, what am I supposed to do then?

MELODY: Press record!

CAMERA MAN: You hired me to press record?

KELSEY: On second thought, that was probably unnecessary.

(The camera man press record)

CAMERA MAN: Thanks for the cash.

(The camera man walks away)

KELSEY: Damnit, we're down 150 bones.

MADELINE: No worries, I'll just start.

MELODY: Are you excited?

MADELINE: Very.

KELSEY: Alright, go ahead.

MADELINE: Hi. Thank you for joining me on this hypnotherapy
session. If you enjoy our work, please take a minute out of your
sleepy reverie to give this video a thumbs up. Leave us a comment
and tell us how relaxed you feel. Subscribe to our channel and
add me to your favorites. (She smiles and winks) Right now, you
are about to drift off into a state of relaxation unlike any
you've experienced before. Do not listen to this recording if you
are driving, operating heavy machinery or drinking heavily. Also,
don't mix any of those three. And really never do the last one.
Although, it may help you sleep better. Sorry, what was I talking
about?

(Cut to Madeline and Kelsey talking in the break room later)

KELSEY: You did great in there.

MADELINE: Yeah, I think I did pretty well after a few takes.

KELSEY: Yeah. Don't you love Stan by the way?

MADELINE: Yeah, he's pretty interesting.

KELSEY: Interesting? I think he's a hottie. Do I smell fire
alarms or what?

MADELINE: Anyway, if you like Stan so much, why don't you ask him
out?

KELSEY: No way, I'm too young for him. He's thirty-three. You
should ask him out, though.

MADELINE: I'm the same age as you!

KELSEY: No, you're one day older! Stan draws the line at 19
years, seven months and thirty days, but 19 years and eight
months, he could go for that. But me, I'm too young, I only
barely remember the 1996 election!

MADELINE: I don't remember AT ALL the 2004 election and I was
eleven!

KELSEY: Sack that dirt sack, Maddie.

MADELINE: I'm just not interested, okay? God.

KELSEY: I'm just sayin'.

MADELINE: Why do people think that sanitizes everything they say?
(Madeline gets a call on her phone and answers it) WHAT?

OLIVER: (Over the phone) Want to go out for lunch?

MADELINE: NO! (Madeline hangs up and storms out of the break room
and goes to her cubicle, opens up a word document and starts
typing "Hypnosis for Dating Fatigue by Madeline Donahue". Then, a
window comes up reminding her that her free one-month trial of
Word 2010 is about to expire) Son of a bitch!

(Cut to Darryl and Glenn sitting outside William Sorrell's
window)

GLENN: I can't believe we just listened to them fuck for an hour
straight.

DARRYL: I can't feel my dick.

(They begrudgingly look back into the window to see William
Sorrel in a towel in his living room while watching Tosh.0)