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Work in Progress

Over the past few days I’ve cried tears, so many tears, filled with different emotions and feelings. I’ve cried tears of anger, tears of annoyance, tears of hurt and tears of things I cannot even explain.

You see, I’m someone who doesn’t like to let others see my feelings, which includes seeing me cry. I’d prefer to hide those feelings or subconsciously repress them, because I don’t want to let my guard down. I don’t want others to see me vulnerable or think me weak.

As someone who is usually sweet, kind and finds it hard to say no, I am already an easy target for others and someone they can walk over. So letting them see me upset, angry or in fits of tears puts me in a worse position, as I believe that they will now see me as weak.

I’m an individual trying my hardest to stay strong in a world that seems to love tearing me down, so of course I want to put up a strong front. Letting others think I’m weak is the last thing I want.

However, bottling up those feelings isn’t a good thing and keeping them under wraps can feel like a heavy weight dragging me down, but telling someone isn’t always an option for me, so I release hurt and frustrations behind closed doors.

I will cry streams of tears, I might throw things and I’ll pour my heart out to God, because I know He’s always listening without passing judgement and He won’t get tired of hearing the same things again and again.

Sometimes I don’t like that I cry so much and that I get over emotional, but it’s my way of release and it prevents me from lashing out more at others. I’d also rather cry until my head hurts or my eyes are sore as a way of dealing with my struggles, instead of taking a knife to my skin and cutting myself.

It’s very rare that I’ve let others see me cry and it will continue to be a rarity, as I don’t want to give others the satisfaction, but I do want to work on letting my guard down and letting my feelings come naturally, especially for when that guy I love comes along. Like I always say though, I’m still a work in progress.

It is incredibly frustrating being my own worst enemy, but what is worse is that I cannot seem to stop warring with myself. No matter how hard I try, I find myself fighting internally, which just drags me down.

I have spent a lot of time blaming other people and other factors, when it really all comes down to me. Yes, people have hurt me and I have struggled with certain situations, but I have allowed myself to be badly effected by the actions of others and I have put myself in some stupid situations. I have made bad decisions, I have told myself that I mean nothing and I have convinced myself that I am always the problem.

Most of my negative feelings have been fabricated in my mind, as no one has actually said those things directly to me. I expect constant high standards of myself and when I don’t reach those standards or get what I want, I put myself down and find ways to feel worthless. I want everyone to like me, accept me and respond well to me, but I start closing myself off when that doesn’t happen.

Over the years, I have built up walls and closed myself off, which has made me a quieter and smaller version of myself. My self-esteem has dropped and my confidence has diminished drastically, preventing me from being truly happy and reaching the potential that so many individuals can see in me. It’s as if all those around me can see the good, except me.

I have known for a long time that I am my own worst enemy, but realising that it is the cause of so many of my problems is a great move in the right direction, because I can do something about it. However, what is difficult is trying to overcome it, as I don’t really have an idea of how to do that. I know that it all starts with having faith in God and sitting at His feet, but where do I go from there?

Overcoming my battle with self is essential, because it is seriously holding me back. It is preventing me from getting up and doing things that I have every intention of doing. It is stopping me from going out, being brave and speaking to the young people that I need to speak to. It is putting a halt to me making a real difference, and I really don’t want that.

Again, this is about me being a work in progress and I am glad that God is working in my life, but this is an issue that needs to be fixed as soon as possible. I hate being my own worst enemy and it is extremely tiring now, because I want to be so much more than the person I am and finally be the person that God wants me to be.