Category Archives: Life

Wow, man! Why would I want to win the favor of a jerk in the first place?! — you ask justifiably.

Well, there are some people. You may conclude that s/he is a real douchebag. S/he talks like a douchebag, acts like a douchebag. But it’s just a mask. It’s a shield those people hide their vulnerable personality under. That’s what I mean. These kind of jerks.

So you act benevolently toward them. You sincerely want to be a friend of the person.

But that person stays jerk. Your hopes to make friends are crushed.

You know why? Because jerks are jerks. And the assumption that this guy is just a miserable human being, who was not loved enough by his parents during his childhood, is wrong. lol.

Well, I know a guy. He’s a piece of shit. He’s made of so top-quality shit, that I merely cannot believe it.

As a fool, I was trying to be his friend for quite a long time, hoping to crack his shell, under which I saw that insecure boy.

But the boy was not there. The boy did not exist. There was just more shit under the hood.

Lately I watched ‘Adventure Time with Finn And Jake’ cartoon series and my attention was attracted by the episode called ‘Freak City’. In a nutshell, main heroes encounter a wizard. The wizard asks them if they have any food. They give him a sugar cube, and the former turns one of the heroes in the big foot.

Adventure time. Freak City.

In the end of the episode, they meet again, and the hero concludes that it was his fault of being turned into the foot: he shared a sugar cube awating some reward. They have the following conversation (irrelevant parts are omitted):

Finn: Oh. You were trying to teach us to be kind without expecting anything return. I should’ve given you that sugar cube without even thinking about a reward.

Magic Man: Wrong! <…>

Finn: I wish I’d never been nice to you ’cause you’re just a big jerk!

Magic Man: Oh, yes, that’s it! You’ve finally learned your lesson. [Zaps them with magic that returns them back to normal] And now I’m off spread my teachings to more sissy do-gooders. <…>

Finn: <…> Wait, so, what was the lesson we just learned?

Jake: [shrugs] Maybe it was, don’t give your sugar to jerks.

Don’t be kind with douchebags, because they will stay douchebags no matter what you do. You will just waste your time and will get nothing but disappointment in return.

When I was 7 years old, it meant:
– hiding my emotions (whenever I was pissed off, I acted like I did not care);
– being a straight A student at school;
– being an obedient child at home.

It was easy. I was really good at it.

I always thought that living like this was my true path. It was essence of my personality.

Then, at around 17, boom! Panic attacks, anxiety, depression.

I was barely coping with university education program. I studied hard, but still it felt like I was so far behind other students.

Even those almost-dropouts made better than me: yes, they had problems with their study, but looked like they did not care. They had rich social life: something I was deprived of.

On the global scope, the pattern I used throughout my childhood, my super-perfect style did not work anymore. I lost my superpower. …And those coward panic attacks, every episode of which I thought I was gonna die…

People told me all the time: relax, take it easy. Rationally, they were right. But I just could not make it.

If I did it, it would meant that I betrayed myself, my very core.

I had to be sure that everything was under control. What if I get distracted? Catastrophe! Boy, my life was already a catastrophe.

But it was MY catastrophe. So familiar and cozy.

Relaxing was not part of me. I considered ‘having fun’ and ‘taking it easy’ to be an escape for the weak people.

But the only weak person in the room was me.

Why I could not allow myself to relax? Why I was afraid to lose control over my stressed out life?

Becase it meant to become bad.

good = perfect

In my mind, I was good only when I was perfect. That was my whole life’s ultimate equation.

I didn’t want to disbalance it. I was afraid to break it.

I didn’t want to become bad. Noone wants to be bad. But I became too bad at being good. And that was the deadend in my life.

“To go wrong in one’s own way is better than to go right in someone else’s.”

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

Earlier this year I turned 30 and this post pretty much sums up my life experience for the last decade.

I procrastinated on writing my thoughts down regarding this event for half a year. Mostly due to the high stress to make it perfect I had put on my shoulders. Such dates happen just once, so it felt like I had to hone every detail of this post to perfection.

“Every thought must be thought through and shine brighter than the sun,” – I thought. The old good perfectionism, bottom line.

Eventually, I figured out that if I do not wake up early next morning and start writing right off the bat, it will be delayed till 40 year old anniversary and so on. But there’s still a hope even in this case: probably someone would be kind enough and sum up my life experience for me in the form of an epitaph?.. Haha, just a pinch of black humor.

But let’s get back on track.

*

We are culturally conditioned to consider round anniversaries as some milestone in our life. On such dates we tend to judge our previous life, make existential conclusions, regret the mistakes and missed opportunities. We may get nostalgic about some delightful moments we experienced in the passed years and get sad knowing those years will never come back.

So, although technically, it was just another year of my life came to an end, whether I wanted it or not, I started asking myself questions, uncomfortable and disturbing ones including.

Have I created something meaningful in the last decade? Have I developed any skills? Was I enjoying my life at all during those years?

What mistakes have I made along the way? Which of them I would keep for the purpose of growth experience, which ones would I try to avoid completely if I started over?

What lessons did I learn? And how would I like to spend my 30s and the rest of my life in the light of those lessons?

Some questions were easy to answer, others I would like to be never asked. For a number of them I still can’t figure out the final responses.