04/02/07: Tha Sneaka Pimp's RAW Recap

Cena stomps out to a chorus of boos, belt in tow. He's not popular in the Rust Belt, eh? He soaks it in before hitting the mic.

"THE CHAMP.......IS HERE!" He doesn't get anything else out before the DX music hits and HBK comes out with HIS (tag) belt in tow. He flashes the X to the crowd and heads to the ring with a sly grin on his face.

HBK hits the ring and repeats "The Champ is here!" He says this is like reliving a bad dream. He said this is usually the time after Wrestlemania where he comes out and talks about the awesome match and how he and his opponent have made history. He gets off a Hulk Hogan massive ego blast, and says the match was only about one thing: WINNING AND LOSING. "You won...and I lost.....and I don't like it." He says he's sick and tired of coming out, looking guys in the eye, extending his hand to them, and lying to himself by telling them they were the better man. "That ends tonight! Not again. John Cena, you may have won last night, but you are NOT the better man."

Cena: "You wanna get angry, that's fine. Don't question my manhood. Any time, any place." HBK says he's not currently busy, so why not HERE, why not NOW? Enter Coach. I knew this shit was coming. "As per Mr. McMahon, the WWE Championship will NOT be defended here tonight....." He goes on to point out that they are the World Tag Team Champions and they will defend THOSE belts tonight. The twist: It will be a 10-team Tag Team Battle Royale. The belts are on the line (which means they'll be dropping them), and that match starts RIGHT NOW.

Enter Booker and Finlay from Smackdown first. RVD and Sabu from ECW are next. BREAKTIME.

10 TEAM BATTLE ROYALE FOR THE WORLD TAG TEAM TITLESKenny is over first, so that eliminates Chris Masters too. Another notch on the old "Fire Chris Masters" watch. I have May in the pool. Anyway, JTG eats the floor first so Cryme Tyme is out too. Eugene is next, so Duggan is out too. Rory is out, so byebye Highlanders. Stryker and Burke tried to throw HBK over, but they failed. Cena FU's Deuce (or was it Domino?) over the ropes, so those posers are out. Stryker goes next, so byebye New Breed. RVD is out next, so byebye ECW Originals. That leaves us with Booker/Finlay and Cena/HBK.

Booker and Finlay work them over for a while. JR calls him "Booker T" while King refers to "Fit" Finlay. Nice tribute to WCW (even if unintentional). Cena tries to eliminate Finlay, but he only gets him out to the apron. HBK sneaks in and hits Finlay with Sweet Chin Music, eliminating him and Booker.

WINNERS AND STILL WORLD TAG CHAMPS: CENA AND HBK.

They don't get to celebrate for long though, as Coach comes out to inform them that they have won......PART ONE. He brings out ten MORE teams. The Hardy Boyz are introduced first and we go to BREAK.

We come back from break in time to see London and Kendrick run out to join the fun. Uh....why?! Aren't they already tag team champions? Whatever.

Anyway, the first team out this time is Regal and Dave Taylor, followed by Tommy Dreamer and Sandman. King calls him "Steve" Regal, by the way. The ghost of Fat Tony lives!!! BREAKTIME.

Back from break, and JR is losing his voice. Cena is about to lose his Tag Team belt courtesy of The Miz. Meanwhile, Michaels hits Sweet Chin Music on Nitro, which eliminates The Miz. He then eliminates.....John Cena!!! We will definitely have new World Tag Team Champions!

We're left with Chavito and Gregory Helms, Cade and Murdoch, and London and Kendrick. London and Kendrick and Helms and Chavo are simultaneously eliminated. We're down to The Hardyz and Cade and Murdoch. They go back and forth until......

WINNERS AND NEW WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: THE HARDY BOYZ!!!

Back from break, and Todd has HBK in the back. He says the tag titles were only confusing John Cena, and that he wanted it to be perfectly clear that the only issue at hand is the WWE Championship. He's interrupted by Randy Orton, who tells him he's had his chance, Cena can beat him, but he can't beat Orton!!! They square off and HBK tells Orton he's not a better man than him either. RKO says, "We'll just see about that!" He walks off while HBK grins.

We then get a really long video recap of Wrestlemania. I guess this would be cool had I *not* watched it for 4 hours last night AND written a long article about it.

Backstage, Coach is talking to an off-camera Vince. He wants to go to the ring, but Coach is trying to warn him that the crowd is going to shit all over him. On the way, he bumps into Maria and Candice. He wants to take his hat off and see how they react to his baldness. They try to be tactful, and he buys it. Cryme Tyme and Eugene are in the hallway and Eugene is trying not to laugh at him. Vince berates Cryme Tyme and then Ron Simmons walks up. He starts to deliver his line, but Vince says, "RON!" half-pleadingly, half-warningly. Ron does some great face-acting, strokes his own head, then finally delivers the "DAMN!" Viscera and Val Venis get a chuckle in too. BREAKTIME.

Back from break, and Vince is out after a video of him getting shorn last night. He comes out in a cheesy fedora (no huge feather though), which suits his Pimp Walk Of Doom~! quite nicely.

He berates the crowd for taking pleasure in his misfortune. The crowd obliges with "WHAT?!" chants. Vince blames Stone Cold Steve Austin for the whole thing, and the crowd responds with a nice pop for The Rattlesnake. Vince whines and bitches some more, then decides he's changing the record book on WM23. He forces Lillian to announce that HE won the Battle of the Billionaires, and then says he's going to prove his point by making Lashley and Umaga rematch tonight for the ECW World Championship!!!

The crowd starts chanting for a look at his head, but he says it will just NOT happen. He claims the fedora is surgically implanted in his head and that it won't come off until his hair grows out. He then brags about having more raw testosterone than an all-male prison. EWWWWW. He claims that last night is the last time he will EVER be embarrassed, which just about guarantees that he will be embarrassed....TONIGHT.

As Vince hands the mic to Lillian and turns to leave the ring.....Enter Bobby Lashley. Vince takes a swing at him, misses badly, and Lashley sure enough snatches the hat off of his head. Vince stares incredulously before slidding out of the ring and rinning for a towl at ringside. Lashley snatches that away too, and we run through King's crown and JR's Resistol in similar fashion. Vince then runs and hits the floor and slides his head up under the ring apron. Lashley drags him out, so Vince rolls into the ring and covers his head.....UNDER LILLIAN'S SKIRT. Like, between her legs!!! Lashley rolls into the ring, looks at a mortified Lillian, then....SNATCHES HER SKIRT OFF!!! Vince runs to the back while I (and THOUSANDS of other men) gawk in disbelief. BREAKTIME.

Back from break, and WHOOOOOOOO!!! Flair is out with Carlito and Torrie Wilson. They will be facing The World's Greatest Tag Team.

TAG TEAM MATCH: RIC FLAIR/CARLITO V. WORLD'S GREATEST TAG TEAMBenjamin and Carlito tie up first. Carlito drops Shelton, who counters with a Lariat. Shelton mounts him for some right hands, puts him in the corner, and hits a few more rights before Carlito comes back with some rather pedestrian moves. Benjamin catches Carlito paying attention to Haas and hits a Super Kick.

Haas is in next, and drives Carlito to the corner. He whips him out, then back into the same corner. Haas hits a kick to Carlito's gut and then some rights and lefts. Torrie is showing off her Puppies (but not her dog) at ringside.

Benjamin is back in next, and he hits a Standing Side Suplex on Carlito. Rear Chin Lock next as Torrie beats on the apron with her....uh....hand. King and I are similarly distracted. Shelton hits Carlito with a few rights, then whips him to the ropes, which means.....YEP. Springboard Back Elbow.

Flair finally tags in and goes to work chopping down the whole forrest to a chorus of WHOOOOOOOs from the crowd. This honestly goes on for a solid minute before Shelton finally hits a Back Body Drop on Naitch. Haas has Flair hung on the ropes, and Carlito comes in for a Chopblock on Haas for the save. Flair locks in the Figure Four on Haas and gets the tap.

WINNERS: "THE NATURE BOY" RIC FLAIR AND CARLITO

They share a Dude-Hug center ring while Torrie looks on. King and JR banter about JR's voice being scratchy, then launch into another long-ass video package about the Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony. BREAKTIME.

Back from break, and it occurs to me that we're nearly an hour and a half in and we've had exactly TWO matches tonight. Continuing the Trend Of The Night for lack of wrestling, Todd interviews Timbaland at ringside. He digs on Flair and cracks a Ricky Bobby joke. We then find out that some of the Divas are going to be in his new video, including Ashley. Uh, that's great. Can we see a match now?

Finally, we're saved by......well shit. Melina. Nevermind. She poses for the Paparazzi with her belt, and I see she's NOT dressed to wrestle. She does her splits into the ring (wearing a skirt), and this show just got a little more vapid. Bet Ashley comes out next. Anyway, Melina addresses Timbaland, saying she needs to be in his video because she's the sexiest, most dominant Diva in WWE. She then goes into a rundown of Ashley not being a real wrestler like herself. She actually calls that Shitbomb Of A Match she put on last night "historic." They hit her music again, and she goes all Edge and Christian, posing for the cameras. She doesn't pose for long, though, because Mickie comes out to beat the LIVING SHIT OUT OF HER!!! If we have to watch women wrestle, Mickie should be holding that belt. Mickie poses for the cameras before backing up the ramp with an evil (yet sexy) grin on her face. Ladies and gentlemen, Melina.....was 28. BREAKTIME.

Back from break, and this show just isn't getting any better. Khali is out next, and he's taking on....Super Crazy. Shit.

MATCH: THE GREAT KHALI V. SUPER CRAZYCrazy jumps him at the bell and hits a Missle Dropkick. Khali just shrugs it off and Axe Chops him. Double Handed Choke Slam, and this match is over at about 30 seconds.

WINNER: KHALI

That's honestly all there was to this. No run-in by Kane, no nothing.

We have Vince backstage wearing a hat backwards. Estrada is with him trying to calm him down. Vince tells him to piss off about trying to calm him down. He crushes one of his fake Cubans. He then books Estrada AND Umaga against Lashley tonight, slams Estrada into the wall, and tells him they DAMN WELL BETTER NOT lose. BREAKTIME.

Back from break, and Maria is backstage with The Hardyz. They revel in being the SIX TIME World Tag Team Champions. They clink belts like champagne glasses, and we cut back to JR and King at ringside. We get ANOTHER video (TOO DAMNED MANY OF THESE TONIGHT)....this time it's The Condemned.

Back from break, and Edge is out in jeans and an Abercrombie blazer. He gets shit on by the majority of the crowd, and HE HAS A MIC. "Let me start off by saying that a lesser man would not be standing here tonight...." He goes on to say that it took every ounce of his energy to get out of bed this morning after the hell he went through in the ladder match last night. He highlights the Jeff Hardy spot that f'ed him up last night, then he addresses HBK's demand for another shot at the WWE title. He then addresses his former tag team partner Orton's demand for a shot, then John Cena STILL being WWE Champion. He finds it all amusing. He talks about whipping Shawn Michaels and out-smarting Orton COUNTLESS TIMES. He acknowledges that Cena is a fighting and surviving champion, but he's beat HIM countless times too. He says they can call themselves "The Showstopper," "The Legend Killer," and "The Champ," but Edge calls himself "THE BEST." We can all just call him "The Next WWE Champion."

Lashley and Umaga are shown heading for the ring as we go to BREAK.

Back from break, and Mick Foley will be in next week with a "Make-A-Wish Surprise." Also, HBK and Orton will square off in a #1 Contender's Match. Umaga hits the ring with Estrada close behind. Estrada gets his Alejandro back, thanks to Lillian, who announces him as Umaga's partner.

Lashley is out next, and we're all set.

ECW WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: UMAGA V. BOBBY LASHLEY (C)Umaga jumps him before he can climb in the ring. They go at it outside, and Lashley eats the ring steps with his belt still on. Umaga rolls him into the ring, and the belt finally comes off while Lashley is down. Umaga pounds on him, then whips him to the corner. Umaga charges in and eats a back elbow. Lashley then guts Estrada in the corner before Umaga pounds him down again. Chops from Umaga, then Lashley tries a Sunset Flip but Estrada breaks it up. King is handling all the play-by-play, as JR is now completely mute.

Umaga puts a knee in Lashley's throat, and he and Estrada take turns stomping him. Lashley comes up swinging, but eats a Samoan Drop. Estrada is still very wary of Lashley, but Umaga goes back to pounding on him. Umaga comes off the second rope with an Ass Drop on Lashley's neck. Now Estrada chokes him on the ropes. Umaga picks him up, puts him flat on his back, and goes for another Ass Drop but Lashley gets his knees up.

Lashley hits Umaga with a DDT, but Umaga gets right up and drops Lashley again. 2 count by Umaga. Lashley comes up and chases Estrada out of the ring to the floor. Umaga and Lashley stand toe-to-toe with right hands in the center of the ring. Lashley tries to come off the ropes but steps right into a Samoan Side Suplex for 2. Estrada chokes him some more and Umaga continues to pound on Lashley. The crowd seems largely absent from this match.

Umaga hits Lashley with a headbutt for another 2 count. Scoop slam and another 2 count for Umaga. Right hand from Umaga, rights by Lashley, and Umaga drops him again with a chop to his throat (which apparently isn't as effective as a spike to the same place). 2 count. Stomp on Lashley's chest by Umaga, and the match is JUST as boring as my recap of it, trust me. This is a real shitbomb.

Anyway, Umaga hits a sidekick and Estrada stomps Lashley some more. In other news, my beard is growing pretty well right now. Lashley is down in the corner, and Umaga sets up for the Running Ass Bomb. Lashley comes up swinging, though, but Umaga drops him again. Estrada stomps him from behind, and Umaga joins in. At this point, I don't give a shit WHO wins. Just end this shit already.

Umaga stomps him in the corner some more, and Lashley is in perfect position for the Running Ass Bomb again. Umaga takes his sweet time, then finally hits it. He picks Lashley up and signals the Samoan Spike. Estrada helps Lashley to his feet, and Lashley kicks Umaga before he can deliver the strike. Lashley hits a Pouce-like move on Umaga and goes for the pin. He gets 2 before Estrada breaks the count. Lashley backs Estrada into the corner and Umaga charges in to splash Lashley, but he moves out of the way and he hits Estrada instead. Lashley spears Umaga, throws him out of the ring, hits Estrada with a Running Power Slam, and pins him for the win.

WINNER AND STILL ECW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION: BOBBY LASHLEY

There were a few interesting things that happened tonight, but this show was basically a textbook case of the HANGOVER AFTER THE BIG PARTY.