Wishing I wasn’t asexual

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Metz

Metz

So I’m a Heteroromantic Asexual Male and I’ve recently realized that I’m Asexual. At first I didn’t really think much of it; I figured it would make any difference in my life. But then I talked to some friends about what a high school relationship entails (I’m in high school) and they all said that sex is a very normal thing in high school. This game as a bit of a shock to me because I’ve never even really thought about sex. I’ve never even so much as masturbated but here are my friends talking about how much they want to lose their virginities. I’m getting sidetracked though. Now that I know more about relationships and the importance of sex, I’m a little stressed out about it. I really want to be in a relationship but now I’m afraid to catch feelings for any girls because I’m not interested in sex. I want a girlfriend for the companionship aspect, not as a tool. I really just wish I weren’t an asexual because of the above. All my problems would be solved. I was wondering if anyone else had this feeling and if anyone has any advice regarding the topic. Thanks.

Being a romantic ace is harder than being sexual-anything. The dating pool is much smaller, but that said other aces exist out there, and there might even be sexuals who wish to be celibate (for various reasons) who'd love to be with an ace for their own sanity. The grass always looks greener, but it isn't. It's just different.

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Falco Peregrinus

Falco Peregrinus

I hope that you can find everything you need here, AVEN is an awesome place full of wonderful people.

Anyways that's all I wanted to say. I hope you can get through any of the 'coming to terms' stuff with being ace. That said, if you want to talk to someone, you're welcome to message me! High school is a crazy web of insanity, and being asexual definitely does not make it easier.

Good luck!

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Bio 7

Bio 7

I agree with the points from @Anthraxite_Vampreza, your problems would just be different. It will take some time to adjust to identifying as Ace so you will probably feel a bit better about it in time.

A big point would be if you are sex-neutral or repulsed..., as you may still be able to have the sexual component if your partner needed it.

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Aebt

Aebt

It does feel really weird when you suddenly realize people can seem sex-obsessed

34 minutes ago, Metz said:

I really want to be in a relationship﻿

What sort of relationship? There can be all sorts of relationships that can be formed without any need for sex. Depending on what sort of relationship you decide on you may find it is better to be Asexual. For example you can "friend-zone" all sorts of people without either of the parties involved being upset or worried. There is also the benefit that you may find friendships easier with the opposite gender if they know there is/will be no sex. I know it can be worrisome when you fear you may not be able to form relationships, but take a step back, decide what you want, then be yourself while achieving the goals you want.

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MichaelTannock

MichaelTannock

I've never had or desired either sex or a relationship, so I haven't had that feeling you're having.
For advice, I think you could go to Asexual Meetups, which would increase your chances of forming relationships with other Asexuals.

Incidentally, it's a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake,

A big point would be if you are sex-neutral or repulsed..., as you may still be able to have the sexual component if your partner needed it.

What? Please stop mixing up these categories because the result is that they become meaningless.

Sex-repulsed is usually defined either as generalised feeling of disgust to sex (in contrast to sex aversion, which for me means being repulsed by the idea of personally having sex and indifferent to sex not involving myself) or as very intense negative feelings towards sex involving physical disgust. So sex-repulsed people are the least able to have a sexual relationship anyway!

Sex-neutral rather means a political stance about sex, being neither sex-positive nor sex-negative. (This is a stance close to me, though I rather prefer calling myself sex-critical.)

What you meant was probably "sex-indifferent or favorable".

That said... I'm not against aces having sex if they choose to. If an asexual person feels psychologically able to have sex, even without actively desiring it, and wants to do it for their partner's sake (sorry, I hate the phrase "to please their partner" being used in this context. It may be influenced by English being a non-native language to me, but for me "having sex to please a partner" sounds like begging to remain together), I see nothing wrong with that. But I don't want "sexual compromise" to be perceived as default. Recently I participated in a discussion about it, then the topic (the one about "resenting allosexual people") became too heated so it was closed... So I'll write it here: for me "compromise as default" remains a harmful idea - also actively harmful to sex-averse / sex-repulsed aces, even if they are openly "exempted" from the expectation to "compromise". Do you know what it reminds me of? For me it's exactly the same structure as in discussions on "hypoactive sexual desire disorders" among sexologists. Asexuals have been "exempted" from this definition - but it still has a potential to harm them because asexual people may not realise their asexuality, because some sexologists still don't really believe that asexuality exists or at least treat it as a "last resort", to consider if all other reasons of not desiring sex can be excluded. (Think how unlikely it is - lots of aces have intersectional identities and so a sexologist is likely to find such "other reasons" and refuse to believe that they don't desire sex anyway, despite all other factors.) Similarly, if we say "Oh no, if you are sex-repulsed, of course you don't have to compromise!", still the force of this expectation being perceived as valid for everyone else is enough to make such people wonder whether they are "bad partners" by refusing to "compromise".

To say it in a more simple way: I'm against creating double standards - different standards for sex-averse and sex-indifferent aces, different standards for people who identify as asexual and for those who don't...

Regarding "sexual compromise" and asexuals: there's nothing wrong with choosing to compromise with an allosexual partner - but no asexual has to compromise if they don't want to. Of course, an allosexual partner also has a right to decide that they can't feel happy in such an arrangement. But "compromise" should be a valid option and not the default.

I hope that you can find everything you need here, AVEN is an awesome place full of wonderful people.

Anyways that's all I wanted to say. I hope you can get through any of the 'coming to terms' stuff with being ace. That said, if you want to talk to someone, you're welcome to message me! High school is a crazy web of insanity, and being asexual definitely does not make it easier.

Good luck!

Thanks friend, I appreciate that! I can definetly see that this is a nice community so it’s good to see that.

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Metz

Metz

I agree with the points from @Anthraxite_Vampreza, your problems would just be different. It will take some time to adjust to identifying as Ace so you will probably feel a bit better about it in time.

A big point would be if you are sex-neutral or repulsed..., as you may still be able to have the sexual component if your partner needed it.

Welcome to AVEN!

17 hours ago, Bio 7 said:

I agree with the points from @Anthraxite_Vampreza, your problems would just be different. It will take some time to adjust to identifying as Ace so you will probably feel a bit better about it in time.

A big point would be if you are sex-neutral or repulsed..., as you may still be able to have the sexual component if your partner needed it.

Welcome to AVEN!

Thanks for your response. You’re right, I’m sure I will adjust in good time. Thanks for the reassurance and for the kind welcome.

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Bio 7

Bio 7

What? Please stop mixing up these categories because the result is that they become meaningless.

Sex-repulsed is usually defined either as generalised feeling of disgust to sex (in contrast to sex aversion, which for me means being repulsed by the idea of personally having sex and indifferent to sex not involving myself) or as very intense negative feelings towards sex involving physical disgust. So sex-repulsed people are the least able to have a sexual relationship anyway!

Sex-neutral rather means a political stance about sex, being neither sex-positive nor sex-negative. (This is a stance close to me, though I rather prefer calling myself sex-critical.)

What you meant was probably "sex-indifferent or favorable".

That said... I'm not against aces having sex if they choose to. If an asexual person feels psychologically able to have sex, even without actively desiring it, and wants to do it for their partner's sake (sorry, I hate the phrase "to please their partner" being used in this context. It may be influenced by English being a non-native language to me, but for me "having sex to please a partner" sounds like begging to remain together), I see nothing wrong with that. But I don't want "sexual compromise" to be perceived as default. Recently I participated in a discussion about it, then the topic (the one about "resenting allosexual people") became too heated so it was closed... So I'll write it here: for me "compromise as default" remains a harmful idea - also actively harmful to sex-averse / sex-repulsed aces, even if they are openly "exempted" from the expectation to "compromise". Do you know what it reminds me of? For me it's exactly the same structure as in discussions on "hypoactive sexual desire disorders" among sexologists. Asexuals have been "exempted" from this definition - but it still has a potential to harm them because asexual people may not realise their asexuality, because some sexologists still don't really believe that asexuality exists or at least treat it as a "last resort", to consider if all other reasons of not desiring sex can be excluded. (Think how unlikely it is - lots of aces have intersectional identities and so a sexologist is likely to find such "other reasons" and refuse to believe that they don't desire sex anyway, despite all other factors.) Similarly, if we say "Oh no, if you are sex-repulsed, of course you don't have to compromise!", still the force of this expectation being perceived as valid for everyone else is enough to make such people wonder whether they are "bad partners" by refusing to "compromise".

To say it in a more simple way: I'm against creating double standards - different standards for sex-averse and sex-indifferent aces, different standards for people who identify as asexual and for those who don't...

Regarding "sexual compromise" and asexuals: there's nothing wrong with choosing to compromise with an allosexual partner - but no asexual has to compromise if they don't want to. Of course, an allosexual partner also has a right to decide that they can't feel happy in such an arrangement. But "compromise" should be a valid option and not the default.

I have never seen anyone refer to sex-repilsed as a political term so if you see it differently then by all means you can add that to the discussion.

Secondly I was not trying to make it seem like all aces in relationships should automatically be compromising having sex with their partner, I was merely saying that it could be something they might do if they both felt comfortable with it. I was merely offering support to the OP not trying to offend anyone.

I have never seen anyone refer to sex-repilsed as a political term so if you see it differently then by all means you can add that to the discussion.

I didn't say that "sex-repulsed" is a political term, I just said that "sex-positive / negative / neutral" and so on are. "Sex-repulsed" is a personal stance about sex (which is, however, perceived by some intolerant people as if it was against anyone having sex). I just meant that you were using this word wrong because aces which can more or less possibly handle having sex are the indifferent and favorable ones and sex-repulsed is a far as possible from that.

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Bio 7

Bio 7

I didn't say that "sex-repulsed" is a political term, I just said that "sex-positive / negative / neutral" and so on are. "Sex-repulsed" is a personal stance about sex (which is, however, perceived by some intolerant people as if it was against anyone having sex). I just meant that you were using this word wrong because aces which can more or less possibly handle having sex are the indifferent and favorable ones and sex-repulsed is a far as possible from that.

Ah yes I was wrong, I got them the wrong way round. I still see lots of people use those terms in that way though so maybe we all need to find a suitable use for them, as it seems many people use them like that.

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Nowhere Girl

Nowhere Girl

I've never seen "sex-repulsed" being used as describing a political stance on sex, but I have seen a lot of confusion the other way around: "sex-positive" being used to mean "sex-favourable", "sex-negative" in the meaning of "sex-averse / repulsed" and, especially, "sex-neutral" as "sex-indifferent". Perhaps the last of these is so common because being politically sex-positive or sex-negative is often perceived as a dichotomy, as if there was nothing in between. Yet I personally don't identify with sex-positive, but I wouldn't call myself sex-negative either. I don't believe that sex is wrong, I believe that it essentially can only have any value in a context. (For example, if sex helps a loving couple bond, it is good. If someone does it under pressure, without actually wanting it, it is bad.) And I believe that a sex-critical approach helps preserve free choice in the area of sexuality, for example through questioning some assumptions which sometimes encourage people to have sex even though they don't really want to. My ideal is sex being seen as yes, something important - but entirely optional, without any social stigmatisation of people who for whatever reason choose not to have sex.

As for misunderstanding and confusing these words - well, I value a clear terminology because it helps communicate. On the other hand, one can always explain, and when someone uses "sex-neutral" in the meaning of "sex-indifferent", there rarely any confusion about what they actually mean. For me remembering these terms is not difficult, but maybe it's because I'm an extreme verbal thinker - I not only think in words, I silently say whole sentences in my thoughts - and not even necessarily in Polish, I can switch to a non-native language as well and at the moment I'm thinking in English because I'm writing in English...