I asked Denise to reflect on her Mean Mom approach, cultural stereotypes and parenting boys.

What’s your “Mean
Mom” take on raising boys?

Well, as boys are all I have (we have two sons, 7 and 9),
it’s hard for me to say if my take would be different with girls, but I don’t
think so, not in the broad strokes. My approach is about raising the next
generation of men, and women, as independent, capable, respectful, honest
people. And I called my approach – which entails saying “no” without apology;
trusting my instincts and not basing my parenting decisions on what everyone
else is doing; teaching kids life skills; and letting my kids own their
failures as well as their successes – “mean” because it can be tough to do all
the time, in a permissive culture like ours.

What do you think of the saying “boys
will be boys?”

Is it too easy to just leave it at: “I loathe it”? Not
enough? Okay, I’ll say more! Boys won’t be “boys”; they’ll be the people that
they are. And I put “boys” in quotes because when people use that phrase, they
mean “boys” are reckless, or messy, or impolite, or not as smart as girls, or not
responsible for their actions. That’s not how all boys, or all men, or all people are. “Boys will be boys” ends up
being a blanket excuse for poor behavior, and I’m not fond of excusing
behavior!

On the relatively lighter side, “boys will be boys” leads to
unimaginative, reductive characters in commercials or sitcoms (usually husbands
/dads) who are too stupid to know how to run a washing machine, take care of a
child, cook anything, or keep their dirty feet off the coffee table, you know?
On the darker side, “boys will be boys” excuses things like date rape and
other, less extreme forms of disrespect for others.

So, yeah. I loathe it.

What’s your greatest challenge when it
comes to raising boys?

Battling the idea that because they are boys, they will
emotionally leave me, in a way that (I am told, over and over) girls
don’t.It’s an old cliché; something
like, sons are yours till they take a wife, daughters are yours for the rest of
your life. First of all, gag! But
second of all, there’s the problem that lies beneath it, which is that we’re supposed to raise boys to leave us, and
girls to stick close by. Neither of those seem like great options to me. It’s
sad to think we have pressure to push boys to grow up and be “the man of the
house” sooner than they need to. I’m under no illusion that my boys will want
to hold my hand in public all that much longer (though my 9-year-old will, now,
more readily than his little brother, whom I’m not even allowed to kiss in
private; I do it when he’s asleep). And as much as I’m actively raising them to
be independent men who want to move out and create their own homes and lives,
that doesn’t mean we can’t be emotionally close, no matter where they end up,
or with whom. (A psychic told me, at a party, that I’d have close relationships
with my daughters-in-law, in part because my sons would pick partners who
reminded them of me, which is one of the greatest compliments I could get!).

What do you like the most about
parenting boys?

They are, for the most part, pretty straightforward – they
are who they are and they say what they feel and what they want. Then again, I
don’t like to stereotype. I was talking to a mom who has a daughter the same
age as my older son, and was laughing at how dramatic her daughter naturally
was, with everything. And she said, “see what you miss, having boys?!” I
laughed, too, but to be honest, my boys can be pretty dramatic too. And they
can be very emotional.

But there is this: my sons are not in competition with me as
a female in the house, which is kind of nice. There’s a
psychological/developmental basis to this, and I believe it: in order for girls
to become women, they have to model themselves after, or actively reject, who
their mother is. Same goes for boys and their dads. That can involve
competition and battles that I don’t see having with my sons, at least not as
much as I had with my mother!

Also, they are very easy to get ready for special occasions.
It’s, “Here, put this belt on” and, “do you want gel in your hair, or not?”,
and we’re all set. I don’t have to share my flat iron, either.

Boys today face a lot
of pressure to be “cool” and “tough.” How do you help your boys deal with those
pressures?

I think if I did see that happening with my kids, which so
far I haven’t (my older son is fairly clueless about this stuff, thankfully; my
younger son has been blessed by being a combination of pretty happy-go-lucky
and also quite popular with his peers), I’d see it quickly, because it would be
inauthentic, and I’d call them on it.

Plenty of parents of boys don’t, which probably doesn’t
surprise you or your readers. In large part, when boys start playing the tough
guy, they’re trying in a new role, testing it like a pair of shoes to see if it
fits. And their parent can either call him on it, gently, showing him that his
actions are inauthentic (“that’s not who you are! That’s not how we treat
people!”); or they can ignore it or subtly (and sometimes not so subtly)
encourage it. Just take a look at some parents – moms and dads – on sports
sidelines. No one wants their child to be a loser or a geek or to be unpopular,
but I’d rather my child be his authentic self. To be honest, there are times I
wish my older son were “tougher,” because I sometimes think he’d move more
easily through life that way, but then he wouldn’t be him.

4 comments:

Great post! I have 6 boys and 2 girls. Boys are so much easier! I really struggle with my oldest daughter trying to play mom ALL the time and is very dramatic. She is also the oldest which I know plays a part.

I also lothe the saying "boys will be boys." I never let people use that on my boys when they are acting up.

Hi I just wanted to let you a close friend has two children, male and female and both have their own flat irons! Another acquaintance has two children again a male and a female and both have had their fair share of climbing trees! Another friend has one child who happens to be female who is described politely as 'challenging'! A friend has 5 boys and is as weary as any other parent, I've seen dragging their sorry selves around Tesco!I have two sisters - I'll let you guess what gender I am!By the way, joking aside, I also despise the words 'boys will be boys'. I think it's unfair and doesn't address the actual issue.

I would add to that...they'll be the people that they are and the people that we teach them to be. If we shrug our shoulders at their bad behavior and say 'this is just the way boys behave' we shirk our responsibility as adults, parents, teachers. Same goes for girls of course. I once raised a concern to my daughter's teacher about girls in the playground being catty and excluding one another. She actually said to me, 'well, girls will be girls.' My head nearly spun around.