Thousands Gather in Times Square to Celebrate the Death of 2016

NEW YORK – As the glittering lights of New York city glistened off the world-famous New Years ball, thousands of visitors gathered in the heart of Times Square to celebrate the death of 2016. Eagerly anticipating the demise of the God-forsaken, cruel joke of a year that was 2016, the crowd behaved more like a bloodthirsty mob at the Roman Colosseum, screaming for the execution of the man-made concept of a specific duration of time. When the clock struck midnight, a roar erupted from the crowd, as if 2016’s head had just been severed from its body.

Others were more philosophical about the general passing of time. Mr. Jacob Thotphul posited that, “Look, there’s nothing special about the time it takes for the Earth to revolve around the sun. A full lap doesn’t mean new beginnings necessarily, or a big changing of the guard. Celebrities will still die, politicians will still be assholes, and 2017 doesn’t have any guarantees to be any better. But the sun will also still rise in the East. So let’s not scapegoat some arbitrary unit of time! Let’s use the time we have, stand up together, and say that we’re going to make today, and every day, the best that we possibly can, for now is the most important time of all!”

Mr. Thotphul was later found stoned to death by the angry mob, and shoved inside the New Year’s ball. City officials look forward to including Mr. Thotphul’s body in next year’s ceremony.