Build The Relationship You WANT

Why You Can’t Go Back To The Future

It started before the election returns were even coming in, much less votes being cast. After months of being saturated with the incessant doom and gloom (great new Rolling Stones song about that, by the way) of all the political advertising, the mediaimmediately pounced on the next thing for us all to be worried about within hours of the election being decided: the fiscal cliff.

I see all kinds of clients (and know this one myself) going through something similar. You struggle for awhile with something regarding happiness. You get this blessed moment of “all is well in the world,” and within minutes or hours, start either worrying about the next thing or checking something off your List Of Things To Do To Be ‘Successful’ And Loved List and then start focusing on what’s next to conquer.

Maybe you’re trying to figure out if a relationship you have, or are considering having, is likely to work out, so you can figure out if you’re going to go for it…or stay in it. Sound familiar? If you’re in that boat, have you stopped to notice what specific things you’re looking at to determine if you’re content or not?

If you were to really take a close look at it, you’re extremely likely to find that what you’re trying to sort out – and the evidence you’re seeking to help you decide what to do – is largely future-based. You’re wondering what the other person’s going to be like down the road. How financially stable are they going to be? How well will they take care of you? Am I going to be able to be who I want to be with them (in the future) if I follow my dreams? Will they be a good father/mother? Will sex still be good years down the road? These are the kinds of things that people chronically ask when they contact me for help with their relationships.

Because your issues with romantic relationships are usually mirrors of your relationship with yourself, maybe you’re not realizing how much of what you’re evaluating to determine how good your relationship is/will be with someone is actually a subtle distraction from looking to see what your relationship is with yourself. Maybe, you’re not noticing how much you’re basing your sense of whether your life is working or not around projections into the future to try and figure out how happy you’re going to be then!

We all do it. While having a sense of common/shared values and aspirations are critical to a successful relationship…and knowing well what each person’s core values are…once you’re clear that there’s enough love and compatibility to be sure that this person’s someone you want to be with, the rest of the game is about taking what’s present and allowing it to help you each build the future. It can’t realistically be about trying to predict, manage, and control it….holding your relationship hostage in the process.

If you’re having challenges NOW, about how to navigate issues and conflicts that are happening – and about – NOW…and you’re not finding your way through them, then it’s a good time to be looking for help and support to get clear and move through them. But, if you want to take a step before going there…start first with seeing how much of your discontent has to do with a future you’re imagining (HEAVY on the imagining) and will NEVER be able to predict.

When you see that’s what’s going on, reign yourself back in to what you’re needing today, in this moment. You will find that that can re-orient you towards looking at what you’ve got that’s good…and making it better…instead of trying to create an ego-based insurance policy for a future that you’d be bored to death with anyway if you knew what it was going to look like ahead of time.

Lastly, you can then shift your focus to what you can and should be celebrating about what you have that’s already working and feeding your Spirit. By doing that, you’ll both generate more of it. Wouldn’t that be much less stressful for you?