18.11.09

Week 10 in the NFL :Bill Belichick goes head-to-head versus Peyton Manning in a game of Madden ’09 and loses

where…

…the Chiefs and Raiders participate in a crap fest!
…the Redskins turn the Broncos into their trusty steeds!
…OAK punter Shane Lechler punts 11 times for 531 yards (nets 484 yds, 48.3 avg)!
…Joe Addai leaves a blazing trail to the end zone like Marty McFly in the DeLorean!
…the Saints can win every type of game, even games they barely win against the Rams!
…all Brady Quinn news is now handled by the Metro section of the Cleveland Plain Dealer!
…BAL burned 3 timeouts midway thru the 1st qt and would have lost against an NFL team!

…beyond belief!

1st and 10…

Let’s get right to it:

Did Bill Belichick’s 4th and 2 decision fly in the face of traditional football logic? Yes.

Would Peyton have gotten a TD from 30, 60 or 90 yards with two minutes left in the game? Yes.

Now, I would have punted the ball if I was Belichick, but that doesn’t really matter. I also do not believe in giving a team points in strategy, but if you make the decision that Belichick made and it backfires, you must have Plan B ready. If you’ve already chosen to fly in the face of traditional football wisdom by electing not to punt, and the conversion is not successful, then your defense must allow the touchdown on the next play even if they have to drag Joe Addai across the goal line. This would have given Tommy Dimple Chin time to put together a frenzied drive, albeit without a timeout. It completely stinks as a game plan, and I truly believe that if Belichick had thought the decision through to Plan B, he would have punted the ball, but it is all revisionist history. What we need to remember when these two teams meet in the AFC Championship game is that Peyton Manning is now the one “in the head of” Bill Belichick.

In a nod to the slapstick football follies of yesteryear, the Cleveland Browns took the field for Monday Night Football and did not disappoint with a hilarious 10-man defense on the Ravens lone offensive touchdown. Instead of calling a timeout, head coach Eric Mangini and Browns defensive coordinator, The Dude, chose to comically point fingers at one another on the sidelines, followed by their offensive coordinator attempting to poke Mangini in both eyes but accidentally kicking Joshua Cribbs in the testicles instead when Mangini wedge-blocked the eye-poke. It was funny because it really hurts to get kicked in the testicles. The Vegas line on the 2009 Cleveland Browns versus the University of Louisiana Cougars (pre-Bobby Boucher) would be Cleveland +13 at FSU’s Bobby Bowden Field. Oh you Browns, you lovable bunch of completely dysfunctional lifelong losers! Great job!

The Bills have fired head coach Dick Jauron. What??? Does this mean that a 60-82 career record as a head coach, a 7-9 record for three straight seasons as Bills’ boss, a 3-6 record and 12 touchdowns scored offensively (after he fired his offensive coordinator one week before the regular season) through the 10th week of his fourth season and sole possession of the Lindy Infante branch of the head coaching tree doesn’t make Jauron a coaching superstar? Defensive coordinator Perry Fewell has been named interim (next to be fired) head coach. Perry Fewell has, among other things, been caught stealing once when he was five. He enjoys stealing. It’s just as simple as that. Well it’s just a simple fact. When he wants something, he doesn’t want to pay for it. He’ll walk right…through the door, yeah he’ll walk right through the head coaches door cause it’s his, his, his, all his…his, his, his all his. That’s right, a reference from 1990. Necessary Roughness is totally radical! I am the Chris Berman of my generation, minus 368 pounds.

For some people, football Sundays are just a romp on top of your desk with a 19-year-old student worker while you gaze at your hair in a compact mirror and ponder your inner deepness. These people are vapid douche bags and should have their giant, hook noses flattened against their cheeks. Hell, it may happen, who knows? For others, football Sunday and team marriage is a serious undertaking wrought with emotional and sometimes physical peril. Every win can be followed by a devastating loss, every loss followed by an improbable win. The peaks and valleys. We ride them out together. The peaks, as Chris McCandless realized, are nothing if not experienced with others, and the valleys (as we all know) are unbearable alone. Here’s to you, NFL fans. Week 10 and beyond is the reason chili tastes so delicious. It’s how Thanksgiving is complete. It’s the cold nip in the November air. It’s the reason we gather at 10 a.m. (PST) and scream like hell and carry on like lunatics for our favorite team and every other game happening on football Sunday. Great job!

…touchdown!

extra point…

Noted moron Jon Gruden has signed on to do Monday Night Football for years, and here I thought this was just an extended 15 week head coaching interview for Jonny. It really is time for President Obama to make this MNF situation one of his top priorities. We need nationalized MNF, and ESPN needs to be barred from broadcasting the National Football League. John Henry did not die with his hammer in his hand so that he could have cable to watch MNF. Football on Monday is an equal opportunity American ritual and it has been ripped from us by the grubby, genocidal hands of a Disney genropoly (monopoly across genres as it relates to sports, i.e. broadcast sports, hyper-journalism, sportsmovies and even sportsfranchising). They are baking the cake, charging cover at the door to get in to eat the cake, charging what they wish at the counter for the cake and then forcing us to pay them to tell us how much we enjoyed the cake. And the cake isn’t even good, but what choice do we have? We need to see across team allegiances to destroy MNF on ESPN. Colts fans and Pats fans, Cheese Heads and Dead Heads, from a Mile High to the depths of the Black Hole; unite! Can you dig it? We will not take this for another crappy broadcast. We are not okay with Ron Jaworski, Jon Gruden, “What’s Up” Stu Scott or Steve Young! We will do something that matters! This thought is a burning match tossed in the gas tank of your minds, we can come up with something! Can you dig it?

…it’s good!

ps…

That is super making up for last week when I shanked the extra point. You can call me a dancing Gramatica!