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Monday, 8 February 2016

Celebrity Sex Dream Nightmares!

At some time in our lives we may experience the ultimate celebrity sex dream - the pleasure of becoming intimate with an unobtainable hero or icon may well be literally a dream come true to some of us. However, like with most dreams, the bizarre, unexpected and sometimes completely horrific can take place, turning a pleasurable dream into a surreal nightmare or 'mindfuck' situation. Below are a collection of the best 'Celebrity Sex Dream Nightmares' or at least, strange celebrity sex dream experiences the internet has to offer! If you have had you own Celebrity Sex Dream, please let me know in the comments section below this post!

The Harry Styles Whisperer

The Kool-Aid Man was omnipresent and could manifest himself anywhere at anytime. He just kept popping up on the coffee table and in the TV. Eventually, he interrupted my Harry Styles oral sex fantasy. As I was going down on Harry, his dick whispered: 'Oh, yeah!' like the Kool-Aid Man.

- laurenl4a3e327c7 via Buzzfeed

The Jared Leto Apocalypse

Jared Leto and I were in the midst of an apocalypse that involved land-squids tunneling under the earth to demolish cities. We rescued a horde of animals from various pounds and pet stores. Jared and I ended up having sex in an abandoned house by candlelight while the animals kept watch.

- katstan4296 via Buzzfeed

The The Walking Dead Scorpion Penis

I had a dream that I was getting it on with Glenn from The Walking Dead and when I pulled his pants down, his penis had a spike on the end like a scorpion. I have zero idea why the dream version of me still went down on him, but I can still remember the painful feeling in my mouth.

- Jericho Roxas Trinidad, Facebook via Buzzfeed

The Colbert Zombie Attack

I was in a very fancy restaurant making out with Stephen Colbert, and it was all very enjoyable until a hoard of zombies busted into the restaurant and ate Stephen’s head off.

- christinaelstong via Buzzfeed

The The Lord of the Rings Third Wheel

The weirdest celebrity sex dream I ever had was when I was about 11 years old. Frodo and Sam from The Lord of the Rings were all tangled naked in a bright white bed in Rivendell, and I was sitting there feeling left out. Frodo turned to me and said: 'Do you mind?' I was so embarrassed that I woke up.

- cheyennemariaf via Buzzfeed

The Jim Carrey Climax

My friend had a sex dream where Jim Carrey turned into 'The Mask' when he climaxed.

- jasminw413ff8fe1via Buzzfeed

The Peter Griffin Cackle

Seth MacFarlane and I were having hot sex, and instead of creating normal sex noises, he kept doing the Peter Griffin laugh. I need to stop watching Family Guy before going to bed.

- jaymerperkins via Buzzfeed

The Taye Diggs Vampire Seduction

Taye Diggs came to one of my shows and afterward took me to his mansion. He proceeded to seduce me and turn me into a vampire because that was the only way he knew he could have me and keep me forever. He kept his glasses on the whole time, which was pretty impressive.

- skylaw via Buzzfeed

The Kardashian Craigslist Ad

Kim Kardashian created a Craigslist ad to lick chocolate off of someone’s butthole in the middle of a packed arena, so I answered it. It was pretty bizarre.

- Sarah Megabubble via Buzzfeed

The Nick Jonas Rinse Cycle

Nick Jonas and I were doing the nasty inside of a washing machine, in the middle of a white void. For some reason, there was a praying mantis watching us.

- fnovnie via Buzzfeed

The Wacky Lady Gaga Wig

Once I had a super hot make out session with Lady Gaga on top of a chair. After we finished, she gave me her white wig and asked me to come back the next day.

- manga chan via Buzzfeed

The Oprah Hot Tub Time Machine

Matthew McConaughey was a guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show and we did it backstage in his green room in a hot tub. Everyone who worked on the show, including Oprah, casually came in and out of the room.

- ginaf46f5a182b via Buzzfeed

The Tosh.0 Beanie Baby Deal

In my dream I was an escort and 'knocked boots' (had sexual intercourse) with Daniel Tosh. He paid me in Beanie Babies.

- thirteenorchids via Buzzfeed

The Meatloaf in the Creek

My first adult dream was with Meatloaf. The singer, not the food. We were in Dawson Leery’s bedroom from Dawson’s Creek. Pacey was sitting in the corner of the room, eating popcorn and watching a movie on the VCR.

- leahl4b1538a56 via Buzzfeed

The Louis C.K. Carpet Burn

One night I got it on with Louis C.K. on my grandma’s carpet. It was really bumpy and awkward, and I eventually got carpet burn. When I woke up I tweeted him about it, but he never tweeted me back. It was a completely unsatisfying experience all around.

- Charlie P. Noble-Lawson, Facebook via Buzzfeed

The Russell Brand Magic School Bus

Underneath a porch somewhere in rural Kentucky, I rescued kittens with my neighbor, Russell Brand. We took them and ran to a train that was passing by. The kittens somehow magically landed on the train, and then Russell turned into a woman. She was really pretty and invited me to sit on a park bench. We talked about washers and dryers, and then ended up making out on a school bus on our way to go have sex.

- 360d34th via Buzzfeed

The Awkward Josh Peck Threesome

I had a dream where Josh Peck, my mom, and I had a threesome. I’m never going to sleep again.

- jenniferh4053ecf14 via Buzzfeed

Supernatural Sex Injuries

I had a dream with Sam from Supernatural where he was super strong for some reason and so we were getting it on and he picked me up but accidentally tore my upper body from my lower. I remember distinctly making out with him, looking down and seeing my legs and organs on the floor and being supremely unconcerned about it.

- Brinnley Spencer via Buzzfeed comments

A Bun in the Oven

I had one with Mads Mikkelsen who plays Hannibal Lecter WHILE he was Hannibal and he was laying on my chest and there were dogs barking in the distance for some reason. then he pulled a cake out of my belly button, but he was disappointed it hadn't finished baking yet, so he stuffed it back in.

- Zoe Lindgren via Buzzfeed comments

Drake's Not Famous, but I'd Still Fuck Him

I dream about having sex with Drake except he's not a celebrity. He's my boyfriend and to make up for his bad habit of cheating we have amazing sex all over our shitty apartment. I've had this dream like five times. Super weird.

- Aurea Sunshine via Buzzfeed comments

Steven Tyler's Temple

I was trying to save my grandma from a cult and she gave me a note from Steven Tyler to come to a hidden temple. I assumed it was fake, so for some reason I couldn’t control my feet and skated inside where Steven Tyler was. He was like 'Oh hi, you’re the chick I’ve been looking for.' He told me to sit on his lap and we eventually made out (keep in mind I’ve had Steven Tyler dreams like this before, definitely not disappointed).

- katerip via Buzzfeed comments

Bryan Cranston Secret Floor Sex

I had a dream that sunglasses were actually snacks and being served at a party and the flavor was determined by color, and the orange ones were cheesy. Anyway, at this party I hooked up with Bryan Cranston but we had to do it on the floor, not the bed because we didn’t want anyone to see us…

- mchaleannh via Buzzfeed comments

Tea-Hating Deal Breaker

I had an extremely hot and heavy dream with Simon from Misfits. Was all going really well until he said he couldn’t continue as he doesn’t like tea. Which to be fair I wouldn’t want to continue either with someone who doesn’t like tea.

- Cuppalover via Buzzfeed comments

Blue-Balling Jason Isaacs

I TURNED DOWN JASON ISAACS. And not creepy-Malfoy Isaacs either, but roughed-up Jackson Brodie Isaacs. We were in some pub and he was hitting on me but I knew it was only boredom because my mate had disappeared with his mate and we were mutually gooseberry’d; I decided I had more respect than to be his pity/bored-fuck. I wish to make it very clear that in real life I would have no such self-respect. Not even remotely.

- Bunle via Buzzfeed comments

Campus Sex with Pete Wentz

I was sharing a room with Pete Wentz and Patrick Stump in college and I was making out one night with Pete and Patrick just walked in randomly with a rabbit on his fedora and casually sat down next to us and went on Twitter.

- zerozerozero via Buzzfeed comments

David Lee Roth Gets Twice-Rapey

In the dream my friend was addicted to drinking grapefruit scented hand sanitizer and I desperately wanted to save him from himself. This lead me through a haunted house (cheaply run, it was the same person in different masks jumping out at me; I had to walk slowly and give him time to scamper to the next ScareSpot and change his mask - I was polite about it.) But when I got to the back of the house, modern-day-David Lee Roth was there sitting on a washer/dryer set and he insinuated that if I wanted to save my friend, he could help me, but I had to suck his cock. I don’t remember if I did it. I remember feeling terrified and disgusting.

There was another David Lee Roth one too, except I was his sex slave (not in a fun way) and he was feeding me pills, but I was only pretending to take them and he became enraged and threw me out of the house and it was night and raining and there were demon muppets on the lawn taunting me as I ran away naked.

- NewTerris via Buzzfeed comments

Bieber the Stab-Happy Terrorist

I had a dream I was trapped by terrorists in a hotel with Justin Bieber. So naturally, we fell in love. Then while we made out in the hallway, he stabbed me. Turns out Justin Bieber was also a terrorist.

- emilypscully via Buzzfeed comments

Liam Payne Causes Pain

I had a dream where I was going at it with Liam Payne and he lifted up my shirt and he carved his signature into my stomach with a knife.

- larrystylinsonaf via Buzzfeed comments

Guy Fieri's Money Shot

I had one with Guy Fieri doing the Emeril 'bam' every time he did something he liked and saying 'that’s money' at the end. Last time I’ll ever fall asleep watching the Food Network.

- keelhaulrose2 via Buzzfeed comments

One Direction Sloppy Seconds

I had a dream where I was dating Louis Tomlinson by the day. He’d take me out to really expensive country clubs and we’d have breakfast with the other boys (Liam, Niall, and Zayn) but then later, I was screwing Harry...Terrible but I’m not complaining.

- iahmad99 via Buzzfeed comments

Kardashian Cock-Block

Before I met A$AP Rocky I didn’t think I would like him, but that was a really dumb thing to think. To call him 'swag' seems disparaging. His vibes are on a magical level that has permeated my subconsciousness. I had a dream that we saw each other at an after-party to my college reunion, even though that’s an unlikely scenario since I went to an all-women’s college. A$AP Rocky and I were talking and things were going well and I was thinking maybe we could go back to my hotel room, but then I remembered that earlier that day I had met the Kardashian sisters and they needed a place to stay during the reunion, and even though they were kind of annoying and I didn’t have anything in common with them because they are total 'lamestreamers', they were still nice and I wanted to be nice too so I told them they should stay with me. Stupid Kardashians ruined everything.

- Shirley Braha via www.theawl.com

Sopra-NO SEX

It was James Gandolfini, during the run of The Sopranos, and I thought he was really sexy, and I dreamt that he (as Tony, I think?) propositioned me in that office (was it at a car place?) and I said 'No', because I had a boyfriend. So, obviously, when I woke up I was really mad all day, because I could have had dream-sex with Tony Soprano instead of being dream-faithful to some guy I probably couldn’t pick out of a police lineup now. No! I remember, I was dating this guy, and he was a lot of fun. Still, should have dream-cheated with Tony Soprano, though. It was before he killed Adriana.

- Nicole Cliffe via theawl.com

Deepak Chopra Make-up Sex

I dreamed I was in a long-term relationship with Deepak Chopra. We had a fight, one of those stupid fights you can’t even remember what started it, and then we made up and apologized, and then had sex. It was your standard base-running sequence, nothing too advanced. He was a very mindful lover. I actually woke up feeling pretty great about life. The next night, I had essentially the same dream but with the demon guy from that movie Legend. It was a less tender experience, but it got the job done.

- Jacob Clifton via theawl.com

Pierce Brosnan's Vagina

I’ve only had one real celebrity sex dream (the closest to having a second one involved me settling a fight with Real Housewives of New York cast member Bethenny Frankel by shouting, 'Yeah, well, I’ve fucked Jon Hamm!' despite not actually having sex with Jon Hamm in the dream). It happened in junior year of high school, I think, and all I remember about it was that I was having sex with Pierce Brosnan in a hot tub. Except that he had a vagina. This is a pretty cut-and-dry case of my sexual confusion in my high-school years, but it’s particularly confusing because I have never cared much for Pierce Brosnan.

- Tyler Coates via theawl.com

Doing It with Brooke Shields

The one that does come to mind was from about the same time as Ric Ocasek and I saved the planet, and it involved Brooke Shields. Not child-celebrity Brooke Shields, but contemporaneously-aged Brooke Shields, the one on Suddenly Susan. I’ve never had a crush on Brooke Shields, by the way, but in dreams you don’t get to pick. So in this dream, Brooke and I were just matter-of-fact seeing each other, in that way of dreams where the context gets zapped into your head and mutates throughout without you noticing. We had a residence that resembled a clubhouse (frequent dream feature) that you had to had to climb through a passageway and squeeze through a nearly-too-small tunnel to get into (another frequent feature). And there was a whole bunch of stuff going on that I don’t remember - other characters, a storyline - but Brooke and I Did It, in a bed of some sort, and when we were done Doing It the bed transmogrified into an open drawer of a chest-of-drawers.

- Brent Cox via theawl.com

Wanting the D from Damian

The one that sticks out in my brain for the sheer oddness of it is a dream featuring the rapper Everlast from House of Pain. Anyways. Everlast was a great kisser and tenderly held me in his giant, Popeye-post-spinach arms. That is all that I remember.

More recently, I had a dream where a mumblecore director was promising me a big role in his movie if I’d take my top off, and I was genuinely torn about this proposition, but my subconscious replaced him with Emmy-winning Damian Lewis, so I was almost about to say yes. Then I woke up.

- Elisabeth Donnelly via theawl.com

Reptilian Sex

I had many amazing sex dreams with Galen Tyrol (especially the bearded/revolutionary version), which was embarrassing when I learned that he was a CYLON (I got over it, though).

- Matthew Gallaway via theawl.com

Sex with my Gay Boss

At some point in 2010 I had a sex dream about Nick Denton. Nick, for those who do not already know, is the proprietor and self described 'gossip merchant' behind Gawker Media. He was once my boss. He is also gay. Nick’s sexuality is, of course, irrelevant, except for the fact that my sex dreams usually star heterosexual men...Here’s what I remember. Nick was throwing a party in his fancy Spring Street loft. At some point, the party turned into an orgy, and I realized that I was one of the few (maybe only) females in the room. There were dozens of naked, tumescent men. On couches. On rugs. On paneled floors. On the kitchen counter, where the champagne flutes usually go. It was a sort of frenzy! (Not to mention decadent and ominous. Think Fritz Lang meets Ayn Rand meets Stanley Kubrick.) I mean, it was a fucking horror show.

Speaking of fucking; somehow, I found myself having sex with Nick. (I realize that the phrase 'found myself having sex' suggests that I lacked agency or purpose, and that is both true and untrue. You know how dreams are). Words were not exchanged; glances not given (Foreplay? Forget it). One second Nick Denton was naked in front of me and the next, Nick Denton was naked inside of me. Not only did I not wake up, I enjoyed it...as much as one can enjoy the missionary position with an emotionally unavailable, vagina-averse boss, that is. Then it ended. I don’t recall whether or not he climaxed. I’m pretty sure I didn’t. And no, I don’t remember how big his penis was or what it looked like. Just that it worked. That’s enough, right?

- Anna Holmes via theawl.com

Exchanging Body Fluids with John Waters

Years ago I dreamed I was having sex with a beautiful woman who turned into John Waters. I have no idea how it happened - he just sort of materialized where the woman had been - but I do remember that it startled me far less than it probably should have considering that: 1. I’m not gay, and 2. I don’t think I’d want to have sex with John Waters were I gay.

- Cord Jefferson via theawl.com

Bon Jovi's Hairy Bush

I dreamed that I was making out and getting into some intense body contact with Gene Siskel. It was years after he died.

Also, as an extremely confused gay pubescent Jersey boy, I once dreamed that Jon Bon Jovi walked up to me in a trench coat, opened it to reveal a woman’s body (and extremely hairy bush) and sang, 'Lay your hands on me!' a few times. My mom’s friend had a similar haircut and I think I was conflating them in my head (in the way that you’ll have a dream where one person is meant to be another person and even though it makes no sense, you get the symbolism). I got the feeling that her bush was really hairy, too.

- Rich Juzwiak via theawl.com

Star Trek Sex

I don’t like to kiss and tell, and I’m not saying things even got that hot and heavy, but let’s just say that I once dreamt that Captain Picard and I had a very intense evening where we drank some Château Margauxand ate foie gras and Brillat-Savarin via the replicator. We looked out at the stars of a new galaxy. And we read poetry to each other (he is a big fan of Paul Celan). And then Jean-Luc played his flute for me, and I played my viola for him...

- Thessaly La Force via theawl.com

Spandex Sex with Peeping Tom

So there was this girl and we hit it off huge, getting all our own jokes and talking for hours and stuff but it didn’t go anywhere. For her, anyway. Me, I was in deep. She went on with her life and I was stuck. I started dreaming about her. Not dirty, just prosaic moments, like we’d go to the grocery store and buy broccoli, or we’d be driving in a car someplace. Then my dream-brain got bored. We were in a fancy health club, a gym, with glass panels and chrome and me and my non-girlfriend were gonna work out. We were wearing gym clothes like the ’80s, Olivia Newton-John and Jane Fonda, argh, headbands, like that movie Perfect with John Travolta and Jamie Lee Curtis? I never even saw that movie. Then my friend, who was a girl, stopped being herself and she was Susan Anton. I don’t even know what she was famous for. Susan fucking Anton, jeez. Anyway, we were perspiring heavily from being in my health-club dream and she was wearing a headband and pulled down my pants and I pushed on up into Susan Anton, somehow - I don’t remember dealing with the shiny fuchsia spandex - and I was steady smearing her sweaty Susan Anton ass all over one of the windows to the exercise rooms where rows of people were doing aerobics and then I lost it, big time, while looking at Susan Anton’s giant teeth and forehead and as I was coming down, I noticed there was this giant face of the actor Martin Landau and he/it had been watching us the whole time.

- Joe Macleod via theawl.com

Getting it on with Madonna

The most ridiculous celebrity that I ever had sex with in a dream was Madonna. Now, it didn’t start out as a sex dream. As a homosexual of a certain age and persuasion, I often have dreams that I’m hanging out with Madonna, just being her friend or starring in her latest tour as a dancer (there are always astounding outfits involved) so that didn’t seem weird. But then one day I dreamed that we were backstage and hanging out and she was getting all up in my grill and I was like, 'Wow, Madonna thinks I’m her best friend'. And then she got even closer and then I was like, 'Damn, Madonna wants to have sex with me'. Now, as a homosexual of a certain age and persuasion, I can not say 'no' to anything Madonna demands, so I did it. It wasn’t half bad. Though she looked like 'Express Yourself' Madonna, not the grizzled pterodactyl-hand Madonna that we see now.

- Brian Moylan via theawl.com

Bruce is a Jealous Motherfucker!

So it’s me and Bruce Springsteen, whose music I’ve never really listened to much and who I’ve never thought of in a sexual way, driving around New Jersey in an old red pickup truck - he says he’s showing me '(His) New Jersey'. Then, we go to a bed and breakfast, the architectural details of which I remember to a personally disturbing degree, and do it. I won’t get into it, but it’s whatever my dream brain thought was 'tantric'.

After, as I lie on a quaint yellow-and-white quilt, Naked Bruce Springsteen picks up a convenient guitar from his sudden perch on a nearby wooden chair, strums a bit, and asks: 'Any requests?'

And I say: 'Ummm, er, oh! ‘Well we’re living here in Allen-townnnn''.

Bruce stops me with his falling face, which falls with a complete disappointment I’ve never wanted to see in life, much less a celebrity sex dream.

'That’s…the other guy! That’s not me! That’s THE OTHER GUY!' Bruce sputters.

Me: 'Oh yes! The other guy! B-b-b-b-b- there’s also an ‘L’!'

Bruce (a.k.a. my brain): 'Billy. Joel. It’s Billy Joel'.

And then Bruce is gone, but there are tickets to his show under the door. And that’s how the dream ended: with VIP tickets under the door. I don’t remember going. I guess I woke up. What a jealous motherfucker!

- Lindsay Robertson via theawl.com

A Quickie with Reagan!

I’ve only really had one celebrity sex dream in my whole life, and to talk about it at length invites way too much speculation into my sad and pitiful psychological makeup. But I was young, and probably on drugs. So yes, in this dream, I was picked up by the Secret Service and taken to a terrible dark basement, where I had a nice chat with Ronald Reagan and then a few minutes of terrific sex. And it wasn’t like, young Reagan either; it was present-day Reagan. Wow, this says horrible things about me. I remember waking up shouting: 'WHAT THE HELL?' at my brain. Anyway, this dream was so (reasonably!) scarring that: 1. I can still remember it 25 years later and also 2. I haven’t had a sex dream about a person that I don’t know since.

- Choire Sicha via theawl.com

Matt Damon Gets a Half-Hearted Hand Job

I had a really involved, overly long, haggling-for-sex dream about Matt Damon that ended in me convincing the Oscar-winner to be on the receiving end of half-hearted hand job. Then another time there was some butt stuff with a former child actor that I’m not emotionally prepared to discuss.

- Natasha Vargas-Cooper via theawl.com

Finger-banged by Hitler

An ex of mine once had a vivid dream in which she was fingerbanged by Hitler in the back row of seats in a Greyhound bus. She said his fingernails were disgusting. -Jfruh via theawl.com

Unimpressive Fountain Sex

I once dreamed I was having sex with Viggo Mortensen in the Trevi Fountain, which sounds kind of great but I wasn't even into it in the dream, I was like: 'Ugh this baroque carving is hurting my hands'.- Mollycule via theawl.com

Hot Gender-Swap Sex

Gosh, I have such a good one. A few years ago had a dream that I (a female IRL) was Scott Baio and I was having sex with Michelle Pfeiffer (both circa 1980) in a kitchen. One of my most memorable dreams...ever. It was hot.- Tunes via theawl.com

Body Politics with Mayor Bloomberg

My most embarrassing is definitely the dream in which Mayor Bloomberg and I were in a long-term, serious relationship. He admitted he was embarrassed to be seen with me because I was too young for him, and I yelled at him that I was the one who should be embarrassed, since I would never want anyone to know I was dating a Republican. Once I dreamed that Angelina Jolie and I were hiding together in a cupboard, but sadly, nothing happened.

- Charlotte Flaz via theawl.com

James Marsden's Exploding Penis Risk

Scott Patterson in a swimming pool! He was definitely wearing flannel and a backwards baseball hat. But my best celebrity sex dream didn't have a celebrity and the sex was implied. I was dating a guy who looked like but wasn't James Marsden, and he was pregnant. I don't know if it was mine, but I remember thinking in my dream that his penis would probably explode during labour.- heyderpette via theawl.com

Jimi Gets Her all Wet and in a Lather

In high school I had a sex dream about Jimi Hendrix in a bubble bath. I knew it was a dream because he had his guitar and didn't get electrocuted.- Amphora via theawl.com

A Threeway with the Nixons

I once dreamt I was having a three-way with Richard and Pat Nixon and even in my dream I was disturbed by how into it I was. I was really, really into it.

- Lord Hennyson via theawl.com

Jack's Still Got It!

My weirdest one was a few nights ago...It was...wait for it...Jack Nicholson. JACK NICHOLSON. Like what the hell was going on in my subconscious brain?!? When I woke up I was happy but creeped out at the same time. He's literally the exact same age as my grandpa...At least it was the 40 something version of Jack...- Soph via theawl.com

Johnny Knoxville Breeds Bat-Monsters

OK, so first it was Daniel Tosh from Tosh.O. It was mostly us sitting around his house, making jokes, but he thought I was really funny and it was mostly flirting.

Then, it was the guy from John Tucker Must Die, Jesse Metcalfe. That was a weirder one, where we were going to sneak off to have sex at a party, but then I was conflicted because I have a boyfriend, (which I do in real life), so I ended up taking a sexy shower in front of a room full of police officers (weird I know).

Then the third was with Johnny Knoxville. He was telling me how he just got this girl pregnant, which turned out to be a weird bat-monster that she birthed, and then he proceeded to give me oral sex...

- Anonymous via emandlo.com

Flirty Fisher

My oddest has got to be when the guy I had fancied for ages, and was getting it on with in the car, turned into Donald Fisher from Home and Away!!

- sharonthewaspandthewineywall via mumsnet.com

Windowsill Fucking with Mr Bean

I once dreamed I had sex with Rowan Atkinson on a windowsill. It was very bizarre.

- Sidge via mumsnet.com

Bisexual Domestic Infidelities

My weirdest ones will have to be:

Gordon Ramsay - on a windowsill

Perry Cox (Scrubs) - up a wall

Holly Willoughby - on my kitchen worktop

In each dream I was pregnant and [my partner] walked in on me cheating on him.

- Jellybelly701 via mumsnet.com

Getting Sweaty with LLB

A sweaty Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen on a kitchen table. Argh!

- WoweeZowee via mumsnet.com

Ed Milliband is a Good Shag

Ed Milliband - the worst thing was that I dreamt he was a really good shag!!

- LiviaDruscillaAugusta via mumsnet.com

He's Lovin' It!

Ronald McDonald. I shit you not!

- VashtaNerada via mumsnet.com

Dan Ackroyd's Ectoplasm

I had one last night about Dan Aykroyd circa Ghostbusters. Dan fucking Aykroyd!

- WeAreGroot via mumsnet.com

Given the D by Gove

[I am] severely traumatised by a dream where I was 'intimate' with MICHAEL GOVE!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaargh - it was weeks ago and I still shudder!!!

Oh, and a steamy shower with Willem Dafoe. Weirdly/horrifyingly, that one's stuck and I simultaneously fancy him/am disgusted with myself. Hoping it wears off soon!

- Bigoldsupermoon via mumsnet.com

Nicholas Cage is a Massive Masochist

A couple of nights ago I dreamed I hooked up with Nicholas Cage, and he turned out to be a gigantic masochist and I kept trying to hurt him as much as he wanted, but he just didn't feel ANYTHING, no matter how hard I hit him with a paddle and it was very frustrating.

- showbiz_liz via metafilter.com

Patricia Arquette's Impatient for Sex

I guess this technically isn't a sex dream, but...before I lost my virginity I had a dream where Patricia Arquette (who was, like, totally into me) and I were trying to find a private spot to have sex, and every time we were about to get to it we were interrupted by something or someone and had to move on. After this happened a bunch of times she lost interest and left.

- The Card Cheat via metafilter.com

Disappointing Barrel-Sex with John Cleese

John Cleese. At his current age. In a giant barrel by a crossroads. But I only got the 'we have just done this' part, not the actual deed, which in retrospect is a bitter disappointment. Take me back, John!

- darksasami via metafiler.com

Eco-Friendly Sex Scene with Lohan

I co-starred in a movie with Lindsay Lohan about rescuing very small killer whales a few nights ago. It was nothing at all like sex.

- ChuraChura via metafiler.com

Morphing Lesbian Sex with Sigourney

As a straight woman...I have had only one sex dream with a celebrity and it was Sigourney Weaver. It started off as her Ripley persona, but at the end she morphed into her evil stepmother character. I am still not sure how I feel about that.

- subject_verb_remainder via metafilter.com

Willard was Well Hard

I had a sex dream involving Fred Willard. There's not really anything I can say to make that statement less awful, is there? Oh, there was also the dream in which Thora Birch showed me her vagina dentata. Not in a sexual way, just: 'hey, look at this thing I have'.

- pxe2000 via metafilter.com

King Kong Ding Dong

My first celebrity crush that I remember to this day was Jessica Lange in King Kong (1976) and this monkey FELL HARD. I had the dream sometime after that because I was 7 in 1976 and even this monkey's hormones weren't THAT precocious, so was probably a couple of years later. It was a weird dream because it took place in my bedroom, which confused the fuck out of me when I woke up. But in the dream, I get up out of bed, walk to my closet, open the gate-fold doors and BAM!...nekkid Jessica Lange in my closet with an inviting smile on her face. BOO-YAA!

I remember thinking 'I'm supposed to drop to my knees and kiss her between the legs'. But when I do, I'm confronted by 3 boot-brushes hanging on the wall like some abstract art vagina.

Stand up, smiling Jessica Lange. Kneel down, boot-brushes. Iterate 2 or 3 times, wake up, walk to the closet...and be not sure if I was disappointed JL wasn't there, or glad that there were no boot-brushes on the wall.

- Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey via metafilter.com

Paper Lantern Penis

I don't know if this counts a sex dream, but I did dream once that I was in a cafeteria with Galen Tyrol, and he whipped out his penis. Or rather, it mostly looked like a penis, but was the size, shape, and consistency of an elongated paper lantern. No dangly pieces, though. He poked it against a piece of furniture, and it even collapsed like a paper lantern. Then, the Chief called me 'so very, very loose'!

- Coatlicue via metafilter.com

Zuckerberg's Ringpiece

Mark Zuckerberg (played by Jesse Eisenberg in-dream) and I were engaged to be married. We had sex in my office and then he handed me two gallon sized Ziplocs, one full of cocaine and the other full of weed, in lieu of an engagement ring...I was pretty pleased with the deal.

Much better than the time I dreamt Stanley from The Office was begging to perform oral sex on me.

- peacrow via metafilter.com

'I Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman'

I had a dream shortly after Bill Clinton was elected that we had sex in the back of a limo, but afterward I was all sad and disillusioned because I admired him so much.

- JoanArkham via metafilter.com

Dusty Warehouse Sex with Clive Owen

Clive Owen. In a warehouse. With benefits. But I was mostly worried about how dusty everything was and couldn't really relax.

- biscotti via metafilter.com

Angry Sex with Matt Smith

I once dreamed I was secretly married to Matt Smith, only he kept lying to the press about it. We had a lot of awesome angry sex over the issue, though.

- PhoBWanKenobi via metafilter.com

Missing Out on Freaky Magical Sex

Oh man, I just remembered my super embarrassing yet awesome dream wherein Alexander Skarsgard and I both inherited an equal share of a Nordic B&B that was also a dragon preserve and there were many stupid romcom shenanigans and a lot of community judgement for my apparent lack of magical skills, and lots of pep talks and consolations from friendly baby dragons...Eventually he and I were about to have a lot of freaky magical sex and then I woke up feeling hugely disappointed and betrayed by my psyche and by the universe in general.

Also there was a moment of extreme panic when I realized I did not know how to properly prepare preserved whale tongue for the hungry guests at the B&B.

Oh yeah and once I [had a sex dream] that me and Tom Hardy were vampire space hookers that were naturally also intergalactic spies.

- elizardbits via metafilter.com

Spurned by Rik Mayall

My crushes (celebrity and otherwise) only show up in my dreams to reject me. Luckily, it doesn't happen often, but that is what inevitably takes place. In one dream, Rik Mayall made fun of me for being attracted to him, and even in the dream state I thought: subconscious, please, am I really being spurned by Rik Mayall?

- Countess Elena via metafilter.com

Getting a 'Wonderful' Tonguing from Mark E Smith

I had a wonderful dream where I was asked to fill in on drums for The Fall and Mark E Smith ended up sucking away on my ear and neck with his toothless gums and lizard tongue.

- kittensofthenight via metafilter

Supermodel Orgy - Access Denied!

I once read somewhere that Kate Moss and Naomi Campbell shared a suite (along with their entourage) when they visited Rio (or it might have been another city), and they called a dealer who delivered a huge bag of blow. Supposedly as soon as they paid him for the coke, they basically pushed him out the door.

So a week later I dreamt I was with them during that encounter, and the three of us went into the bathroom and were snorting up huge rails, making out ravenously and groping each other, on the verge of having sex. Then I woke up abruptly. Biggest anti-climax of my life. I tried so hard to go back to sleep and continue the dream, sadly to no avail.

- Devils Slide via metafilter.com

Obama Sex Drama

I had a sex dream with Bill Clinton back in the 1990s (I was kind of shocked. I have never thought of myself as the kind of woman who is attracted to politicians. I'm much more likely to want to throw rotting vegetables at them); and then in about 2010 I had one starring Barack Obama. They were fairly similar, but in the second one we sat on the edge of the bed afterwards and agonized about Michelle. 'I can't believe I did this' I said despondently 'I really love her'. 'So do I' agreed Barack 'We should never speak of this again'.

Sex dream complete with guilt. Can't beat it.

- mygothlaundry via metafilter.com

Mouth Rape

I dreamed I was raped in the mouth by James Earl Jones in my Maidenform bra.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

Regular Rim Jobs

I have had dreams of rimming Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Often.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

Hot and Steamy Shower Sex

I dreamt that Brian Williams was in my shower (not my real shower, but the dream took place at my house). When he began to masturbate, I got upset because friends were supposed to show up.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

Bangs in the Closet

After crushing hard on Dominic Monaghan for three seasons on Lost (I like short, weird-looking guys, what can I say?), I had a dream about him, that we had sex in the closet in my parents' bedroom in the house I grew up in.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

Bradley Cooper's Tiny Black Boxer Shorts

Bradley Cooper. He lived in a dingy apartment. and was wearing nothing but tiny black boxer shorts. I knocked on the door and he let me in and we had a convo in his living-room before we fucked.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

The Only Time Anyone Ever Dreams of Sex with Piers Morgan

I was watching Ryan Seacrest going up into Simon Cowell while Piers Morgan was going down on Cowell.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

Tom Hanks Nightmare Sex

I once had a nightmare about having sex with Tom Hanks. I've never found him even remotely attractive and I remember being very disturbed by the nightmare the next day wondering what it could possibly have meant.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

Melissa Rivers Strap-on Dream Fuck

Melissa Rivers fucking me with a strap-on.

- Edgar Rosenberg via datalounge.com

Trolling with Heath Ledger

Heath Ledger and me were in a public restroom giving each other a hand job. When we finished he wanted to stay trolling, but I dragged him out and we got on a plane piloted by his father.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

Burt Reynolds Wet Dream

When I was 13 I had a wet dream about having sex with Burt Reynolds. I believe a weight bench was involved.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

Hate-Fucked by Mitt Romney

Got hate-fucked/raped by Mitt Romney in a dream once. It was really hot.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

Nick Adams is a Dirty Aggressive Bottom

I went to the final performance of Priscilla Queen of the Desert, on Broadway, and fell in love with Nick Adams, the actor who plays Adam/Felicia. That night I dreamed that he was a dirty, aggressive bottom, and I matched him move for move with my dominant top performance. I specifically remembered how his muscled ass grabbed my cock as I fucked him. I also remember how filthy our language was, and how he met every challenge I made.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

M*A*S*H*-Smash

I once had a sex dream where I had a threeway with Alan Alda and Mike Farrell. I had been watching a lot of M*A*S*H* at the time.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

Jake Gyllenhaal Likes it Raw in Public Libraries

I had a dream that I fucked Jake Gyllenhaal raw in the New York Public Library. I have never been attracted to Jake Gyllenhaal in real life, so I have no idea why he starred in one of my sex dreams. And the NYPL thing was just weird.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

Marlon Brando Likes Black Cock

I had a dream I was in a three-some with Marlon Brando and Wally Cox. Brandon told me he preferred black cock but he got a passing grade. Wally had a really tight hole with amazing sphincter control.

- Eldergay via datalounge.com

Pete Sampras Serves it up HOT

Only two come to mind -

My first was with Pete Sampras, the tennis player. This was back in 1990 or 1991 when he first came to attention. I had a dream that we were hanging out together, and he lowered his shorts and spread his legs apart, and encouraged me to go down on him. I was amazed by the meat hanging between his thighs. That's when I first knew I liked guys.

The other one I remember was a few months ago. I was in the hospital for knee surgery and Timothy Olyphant came to pick me up, wearing his cowboy hat. He brought me home, put me to bed, then undressed and slid next to me under the covers. He started to stroke my cock while he was kissing my neck and sucking my nipples. I begged him to go down on me, but woke up before he did.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

Vampire Necro-Sexing

I had a Vampire Diaries based dream where Elena was dead and her brother had his first male/male sex with a hot Indian guy in the bedroom across from his sister's dead body.

- Anonymous via datalounge.com

Mall Sex

I have reoccurring sex dreams about the 20-something version of actor Bud Cort (Harold & Maude). Sometimes, he's himself in the dreams. Other times, he's various characters that he's played in that era. In one dream, I get it on with him in the dressing room of a mall! I must admit, I truly enjoy every one of these dreams.

- Court via datalounge.com

Mr T the Big Cockblocker!

I was 5 years old when Romancing the Stone, starring Kathleen Turner, was in theatres. It must have made quite an impression on me because, while I do not remember seeing the film, I distinctly remember attempting to kiss my mother’s friend Marge (who also happened to be the nurse who had delivered me) at my family’s dining room table a short while after having seen the film. As the beginnings of a man’s sexual exploration go, it was less than auspicious. I can’t say for certain that Romancing the Stone burrowed its way into my subconscious but, given my immediate reaction to the film, it is likely that Turner hid out in the crevices of my imagination for years, waiting for the perfect moment to spring out and upend my life. That moment, as it turned out, would take place several years later, when I was 14 and Turner appeared as the object of my affections in what is far and away the most unsettling sex dream I have ever had.

Given the hulking mass of testosterone Turner would later become, the dream seems especially disturbing in retrospect but, in my mind’s eye, Dream Turner was sultry and alluring, not at all unlike her character in Romancing the Stone. We found ourselves entangled on a bench, in my high school’s boys’ locker room. I have no idea if one has anything to do with the other but, at the time, I was in danger failing PE, due largely to my refusal to change into gym clothes. In the dream, I was aware of the surroundings and troubled by the fact that we were in the locker room. If Mr Wheeler found me, there would be no talking myself out of that 'F'. Unless! Maybe he would be incredibly impressed that I was clumsily groping at THE Kathleen Turner, and announce that, not only was I going to ace PE, I was henceforth exempt from any strenuous athletic activity of any kind, on school grounds or elsewhere. 'To the victor goes the spoils, Anderson' he would say, 'and I can think of no greater victory than humping all over Kathleen Turner, here in the musty darkness of the Prairie High School Boys Locker Room'. Probably that is how it would play out. But no time to think about Mr Wheeler and the ramifications of my conquest! I was Big-Time Frenching all over Turner’s face and things were about to get Adult Sexy. Kathleen Turner was not some repressed-and-conflicted schoolgirl who wanted to rebel against her parents, but not so much that she risked getting pregnant. No. Kathleen Turner was a woman, and I was a man, and we were going to have Adult Sex.

Unfortunately, our passionate careen towards Adult Sex was interrupted when a diminutive, muscular figure emerged from the shadows of the locker room showers (fully clothed, thank God), and asked me point-blank, 'Whatchoo doin’?' It was Mr T. Were it not enough for my pubescent mind to grapple with the fact that I was engaged in a dreamtryst with a woman nearly thrice my age (lovely though she may have been in Prizzi’s Honor), I now had to grapple with the appearance of another childhood entertainment touchstone, B.A. Baracus. (The 'B.A.' stood for 'Bad Attitude', you’ll remember.) In my dream (and probably in the recesses of whatever consciousness I could muster at the time), I feared the worst; that Mr T would ingratiate himself into the affair and monopolize Turner’s affections. I could not have this; I needed to head him off at the pass. To the best of my recollection, this is how the dialogue played out.

Dream Kasey: We’re together.

Dream Mr T: Cool.

Dream Kasey: She’s with me.

Dream Mr T: I know that, fool! You just said that!

Dream Kasey: Why are you here?

Dream Mr T: Congratulations!

Dream Kasey: OK

Dream Mr T began to walk away, then wheeled around and shouted, 'HEY!' at which point I awoke, horrified, disappointed, and completely perplexed. What the hell would have happened after 'HEY?'

I guess I’ll never know and, as neither Turner nor Mr T would ever appear in one of my dreams again, I am left to ponder which psychological childhood knots I was trying to untangle by dreaming up a scenario in which B.A. Baracus put an end to my dalliance with Matty Walker. It plagues me to this day.

- Kasey Anderson via crushable.com

Freddy Krueger's Underage Fuckbuddy

The first was when I was about 9 years old, and I dreamt I was in a giant warehouse that was completely empty, save for a gold canopy bed. My friend Lauren had a canopy bed, and I always associated it with romantic notions of princesses and love. In my dream, I was lying on the bed with Smithers from The Simpsons. Even at that early age, I remember thinking how weird it was: not because a cartoon character was undressing me, but because he was a gay cartoon character. This must have been after the 'Malibu Stacy' episode, where the sexuality of Mr Burns’ assistant is not so subtly revealed when Smithers boots up his computer. Not much happened with that scenario…even in my fantasy, Waylon Smithers was squeamish; refusing to take off his underwear. We probably dry-humped for a while, or did whatever a child’s dream interpretation of dry-humping was. I think it was influenced as much by Cool World as The Simpsons, but I woke up feeling vaguely disappointed that even in my dreams, (cartoon) (gay) men were repulsed by me.

My sexual subconscious manifested itself again about a year later in the form of a reoccurring dream. Bear with me here, because this one is even stranger: once every couple of months, I would dream of a woman all dressed in black and wearing a dark veil over her face would appear in my room. She’d never speak, but would just point to the area under my bed, where I could climb between my floorboards and descend into another world, where the earth was on fire and the sky full of bright stars. Freddy Krueger would be waiting there to court me.

I’m talking 'court me' in the medieval sense. He had a castle (on fire), and flying horses (not on fire), and could make himself look like Brad Pitt. Why Brad Pitt? I have no idea. I didn’t even really know who Brad Pitt was, except that he and Tom Cruise were supposed to be every little girl’s fantasy.

Freddy Krueger would always offer me the same deal: stay with him in the dream world, and I would live as his queen. Anything I could imagine would be mine, and Freddy could change his appearance to look like whomever I wanted (which at that time happened to be Jeff Goldblum from Jurassic Park). The only condition was that every so often, we would have to go catch some teenagers in their dreams and then scare them to death. Kind of like how Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin tried to scare off Winona Rider's family in Beetlejuice.

It actually sounded kind of fun. In my dreams, Freddy and I got along great: we shared a hated teenagers (babysitters, mostly), had the same ironic sense of humor, and liked to scare the shit out of people (in the real world, I had been known to lock my little sister in the basement after she had inadvertently seen Poltergeist on TV; an air vent leading from my room to right behind basement’s television made it very easy to convince a 6 year old that her sister had been sucked into a ghostly dimension). Freddy and I were a match made in hell, obviously.

But every time I had this dream I would demur his offer. God knows why: to this day I still think I would have made an awesome Mrs Freddy Krueger. And Freddy, always the gentleman, would sadly lie me down on his nightmare chariot, and kiss me all over. (and by all over, I mainly mean my tummy). Then he would gently pick me up with his hands - fun fact: Freddy only has knives for fingers when he is trying to kill you - and pull me back into the waking world, promising that he’d be back soon to ask to marry me again.

I had that dream consistently until I was around 13 years old. Then the dreams stopped, and I haven’t had one since. It was a sad end to my childhood, like when Wendy got too old to fly to Never-Never Land. The really weird part though, was that it wasn’t until I was in college that I ever actually saw the movie A Nightmare on Elm Street.

- Drew Grant via crushable.com

Angelina Jolie's Misshapen Penis Clit

Fuck, I had the worst dream last night. Angelina Jolie was in my house, sitting on a chair in my living room. She looked all concerned. I asked her what was up, so she pulled down her pants and had some misshapen penis seemingly an extension of her clit. I asked her if she could jerk it, and she did, so this red ooze came out and curled up next to her misshapen red penis. it looked like dark red wet twizzlers. She cried, saying it was all wrong, and I woke up.

I fucked Jessica Alba in a bed surrounded by blood.- f3ralanarchy via okcupid.com

Tryna Nail Bette Midler

The only celebrity I can remember is this one time I was trying to nail Bette Midler. Fortunately, people kept interrupting us, so it never happened. I have no idea why it angered me so. They were saving me.- Least Impressive via rottentomatoes.com

Hu's a Whore?

I had another with Kelly Hu giving me oral. She was Martin Lawrence's girlfriend in the dream and we were messing around in his apartment without him knowing.- Viscious Voodoo via rottentomatoes.com

Helen Mirren Incest Threeway

I don't even know how many females I had sex with in this dream, but one of them was Helen Mirren. I had a threeway with her and her daughter.- Christopher256G via rottentomatoes.com

Disclaimer

I recently saw an article on Buzzfeed about 'Celebrity Sex Dream Nightmares' and thought this would be the perfect topic for a post. I could of course have just linked my audience to the Buzzfeed article, but given Buzzfeed recycles material/content from other online sources/social media, I thought I would make my own post tailored for my readers and re-written in a way suitable for my Blog. Therefore, where the original source is known, I have cited it appropriately. I have also done my own research in order to select and add some supplementary content to my post.