Or maybe "oh the places you'll die". Anyway, I've been creating a parody of Dr. Seuss's "Oh the places you'll go" related to this year's burn. However, I don't have as much time as I would like to finish up the last remaining verses near the end. I'd be great of course to record people saying the verses in dust storms, but the poem is not complete. So any help would be appreciated. Please try to avoid slant-rhyme, maintain the meter, etc. and point out where I may have not. Here it is so far:

Oh the places you'll burn.

Congratulations!You're gone for the week!You're out on the playaNo place for the meek!

You'll have pains in your head.Too much dust to remove.You can't see the right direction to move!You're on your own. And you know what you know. And gale-force winds wherever you go!

You'll look up and down streets... looks the same everywhere. Gotta find an outhouse--to deposit shit there. With your head in a daze, and visibility two feet, your eyes can't make out anything on this street.

And you may not find any you'll need to go down. In that case, of course, you'll get lost outside town.

It's hellish out there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen--and frequently do--to people as stupid and unprepared as you.

During Condition Alpha, don't worry. Don't stew. Just sit down and wait... cover up while you do.

Oh! THE SCARS YOU WILL EARN!

You'll be on your way down...and you'll forget to bring lights!You'll join the Coleman tentswho soar to new heights!

You won't lag behind, 'cause nobody will have speed. Forget your damn bike; you won't have the need. Wherever you walk, you'll be blown by a gust. Wherever you go you'll be covered in dust.

Except when you don't.Just kidding, you will!

I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true that death and disaster can happen to you!

You can get all run over during a ride in the night. And then pay 30,000 for a helicopter flight.

You'll detach from your group in an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you'll feel like a chump.

And when you're in that slump, you're not in for much fun. A long night alonehas barely begun.

You'll return back to camp and find it a huge mess. Stuff is tipped over. Damage to assess.A camp you spent hours setting up to live in. Now completely flattened, much to your chagrin. Do you call it a loss? Can you build it again?

You fix your crushed tent but are missing some parts. Will it hold together? Or again, fall apart? Or go waylay camps from the air and the side? Guyline it down, make sure that it's tied, or you might find out that someone has died.

You'll ingest some wet substance with a terrible taste. Stumble down a dark road and feel really shit-faced.Don't hurl on the playa as it is not the right place. Purge in the holes built for our human waste.

The shitting place ... ... where assholes will hover.

Waiting for Em-Vees to stopor some line to move, for some soda-popor some ice to buy, or a BLM copor the heat to go, and the sun to dropor espresso from the camp coffee shopor waiting for that *filthy* dropThe dust never abating.

Avoiding people without lights, or watching people fly kites, or waiting for the burn nightsor watching, perhaps, a bike at the looto prevent its theft, while you go pooAnd your skin will chaff and your hands will bleed, your nails will break, your sweat will bead.The dust never abating.

YES! That's all for you!

Somehow you thought that it was all about raving. But survivial is half of the trip that you're braving.

With sun-shades flip-flapping, once more you'll sleep tight! Ready for anything lit up at night. But no.. because *you* did not prepare right!

Oh... god... the places I may die. There is fun to be done! ... but I feel so damn sore, and I hate that damn sun!And why didn't I bring that water in my pack? Or some damn goggles, to make my way back?FUCK! I'll be dried out as corpses can be, but maybe somebody will come and find me?

Except when they don't.Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that sometimes you'll have to push your way back. You're off on your own, pick up your own slack.

Buck it up!Whether you like it or not, you're here in a desertand it's gonna be hot.

And where you are camped, there's a good chance you'll hear thumps at night that don't sound much like trance.There are camps, down the road at 10:30 and CWith some bass-lines so deep that you'll need to go pee.

But on you will dancethough you barely had sleepOut in the expanse of the playa so deepOn you will prance...or get groped by a creepOnward up manya dusty, dry streetthough your legs may give outand you wish for a seat

(what follows are the verses from the original, which have not been parodied)

On and on you will hikeand I know you'll hike farand face up to your problemswhatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,as you already know.You'll get mixed upwith many strange birds as you go.So be sure when you step.Step with care and great tactand remember that Life'sa Great Balancing Act.Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?Yes! You will, indeed!(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!

So...be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Brayor Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,you're off to Great Places!Today is your day!Your mountain is waiting.So...get on your way!

"The essence of tyranny is not iron law. It is capricious law." -- Christopher Hitchens

You'll ingest some wet substancewith a terrible taste.Stumble down a dark road and feel really shit-faced.Don't hurl on the playa as it is not the right place.Purge in the holes built for our human waste.

Oh I'd love to see/hear some verses said while wearing keffiyehs or with the microphone overloaded from wind, or sentences cut-out mid-sentence because of (real?) grievous damage to the camera. The lines can even be made up later as subtitles.

"The essence of tyranny is not iron law. It is capricious law." -- Christopher Hitchens

On and on you will bikeand I know you'll bike farand face up to the porta potswherever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,as you already know.You'll get mixed upwith many strange turds as you go.So be sure when you step.Step with care and MOOPand remember that Life'snot a Great Big Ole Poop.Just never forget, there's always loud booms.And never mix up your acid with shrooms.

And will you get laid?No, probably not!!(98 and 3/4 percent hoes bought.)

DUDE, YOU'LL GROOVE POUNDTOWN!So...be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Brayor Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,you're off to Great Places!Today is your day!Your mountain is waiting.So...get on your way!

RedHeaven wrote:I'll type out what I finished when I get to it but I wanted to thank you Badger and I gave you props as I PERFORMED this piece at our camp on Monday night and everyone loved it!!! THANK YOU!!!

Holy FUCK, but that's awesome.

*** 2016 Survival Guide ***"I must've lost it when I was twerking at the trash fence." -- BBadger

RedHeaven wrote:I'll type out what I finished when I get to it but I wanted to thank you Badger and I gave you props as I PERFORMED this piece at our camp on Monday night and everyone loved it!!! THANK YOU!!!

I want to perform it again when I return in a couple years, but next year someone else should do it!!! Its FUN

Now that is a compliment!

(Oh, and definitely not too poopy. I love toilet humor!)

"The essence of tyranny is not iron law. It is capricious law." -- Christopher Hitchens