There was this small church down in
Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her bre@sts were so huge that
they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she
distracted the congregation considerably.

The
very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be
done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So,
one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash
up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her bre@sts and
maybe they would shrink
in size. They warned her, though, to not eat any of the green
persimmons 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up
and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a cheque. As he
approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please
cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was
any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United
States of America !!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are,
but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of
imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque"

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came
into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his
putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With
that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another
time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet
and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With
that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can
you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the
United States ?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and
finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't
think of a single thing I can do."

One hot summer day, a man is filling up his black pickup truck at the
local gas station. He isn't very careful, and he gets gasoline all over
his jacket's left sleeve. He ignores it, and leaves the station after
paying for the gas. As he's driving down the highway, the heat of the
sun on his truck's black paint is enough to ignite
his jacket sleeve. He drives faster, waving his arm out the window in
an attempt to extinguish the flames, but they burn hotter! As he speeds
down the highway, a state trooper sees the situation and pulls him over.
He jerks the man out of the truck and rolls him on the ground until the
fire is extinguished. As the man dusts himself and thanks his rescuer,
he sees the officer is writing him a summons!

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.

The
bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks
him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a
truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The
bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As
he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him
why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are
over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. "You don't even need a license," he said.

So
the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads
back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over
the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and
programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let
them steal his whole load, so remembering what happened in the bar, he
pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them
instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

Archie, a successful business man
becomes fed up with all the stress of big city life and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and buys a large ranch in the middle of the outback, just north of Barossa Valley in South Australia.

After
a couple of months of enjoying the quietness and solitude he hears the drumming of hoofs outside his home. Seizing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse, "G’day neighbour, hold it right there.”

The rider says, "I'm your neighbour, I have a ranch only 20 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting..… we'll have a great time."

Not wanting to be unfriendly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"

"Blimey, mate, it don't matter," replied the neighbour, "There’s only gonna be the two of us."

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So
they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to
write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies, GS-11.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the
tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin. Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then
Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and
we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

"Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.
"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"
"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "Ihad to force him, but he ate it!"

"Can I have some Irish sausages please?" Asked Seamus. I want to make a proper Irish hot-dog."

The shop assistant looked at him and enquired, "Are you Irish?"

"If
I asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or,
if I asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or
if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would
you, eh? Would you?"

The assistant replied, "Well...er.... no".

"And
if I asked you for some Bourbon whiskey, would you ask me if I was
American? What about Danish bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," came the response.

Self-righteously, Seamus demanded, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish, just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence
indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's
closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be
convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at
his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case
will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The
jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing
happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the
previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore
put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether
anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

Martin had a drink too many at the pub and had also run out of money.
But that did not stop him from ordering for more. So he said to the
bartender, "C'mon Dan, give me a few more drinks. I'll pay you next
week, I promise."

"Look," said Dan the bartender pointing out the window. "Can you see that building across the road?"

"Yes, I do. What about it?" said Martin.

"Well, that is the National Bank, and I had a deal with them" said Dan.

"What kind of deal?" Martin blurted.

"The pact was that they'll not sell booze, and I will not lend money." repliedDan.

A little girl called Jill was standing on the sidewalk in front of her
home in Washington. There was a basket lying next to her containing a
number of tiny creatures, in her hand was a sign announcing FREE PUPS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of one of the cars stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Pups," little Jill replied.

"How old are they?" asked Obama.

Jill replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of pups are they?"

"Democrats," answered Jill with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the pups.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president
should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have
the girl talk about her discerning pups.

So the next day, Jill was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket
of "FREE PUPS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by
vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Jill.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of pups you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Jill said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Jill smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

Three. One to report it as an inspired government program
to bring light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical
government plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a
Pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb
assassin to break the bulb in the first place.