Thursday, August 13, 2009

So your riding buddies trash talked you into riding some monstrous hills out somewhere in the exterior of civilization. But you've felt better on other occasions and boy oh boy, today is just not your day. If only bicycles were made like computers, we could all have an escape key before the bone breaking, lung chopping climb to hell. But there are no shortcuts to escape.

Hit hard...

So how on earth do you back up and slow down like a rock efficiently on the incline without hurting valuable pride and self-esteem in front of other people?

This, it turns out, is an easy one. Let me show you The Way.

Things you will need to carry in your jersey pocket :

-Pair of scissors.

-Wife's makeup. If you're a wife, then borrow your husband's makeup. Look in the garage.

-Cell phone.

Things you will need to carry on your back :

-A camelbak filled to the gills with water. (If it does not have gills, make sure you purchase one with gills)

As your attackers, a.k.a riding mates, slam down the pressure and leave you climbing slowly like an unattended VW Beetle, cleverly start launching the escape tactics. You may do any of the following or all for a combination excuse strategy (like those 2-D video game "COMBO" attacks)

1. Cell Phone : Quickly reach out to your cell phone and start calling people you never knew. Old uncles, old distance-relatives or grandparents are usually the best. They ramble on and on and on without direction and it won't matter much if you hang up on them. They'll never remember. Ask them questions about life and wisdom and pretend you're in serious conversation with the sage. Exaggerate your voice and follow your attacker's reactions. They'll turn back and look at you. Then they'll mumble amongst themselves in the distance, nodding their heads and acknowledging the fact that you're making a few business calls and that takes priority over climbing some stupid hills.

-Take a shade of gray or something and start coloring your hair on the sides. Use a helmet mirror for assistance. When your attackers look behind, they'll see an old, worn out friend struggling up a hill. But sympathy will usually turn to respect and disbelief. It is an unwritten code in cyclysm to encourage and respect an old dog who can climb.

-Take a shade of yellow and start coloring your face. When your pace is exactly below 4 mph and you risk looking like a dork on wheels, yell out that you may be coming down with a bout of Dengue Fever and you need to climb slower for it to go away. Pretend you're rubbing the disease away.

3. Scissors : So you're climbing like a dork today but you're showing off a kit that says 'Winner Of So and So Race' or 'Champion Of Ridiculous Time Trial In Town' or something along those lines. Kits musn't be shamed with bad performances from the wearer. It is a hurt to pride.

Quickly reach out for the pair of scissors. When your attackers aren't looking, snip away cool looking sponsor logos, titles, past honors etc etc...then form them into a ball and throw them into the bushes in the side. Make sure they roll off and away from sight. When your attackers look at you and spot your disheveled state, tell them you had a wipeout. "The front wheel shimmied!" They'll quickly slow down and come to your rescue. If they don't (jerks), they'll ackowledge that you need to climb more slowly because of this 'crash' they didn't see. Slow climbing performances will then be accepted without question. Onward.

4. Camelbak :Hydration forms the core of excuse making. Now don't get me wrong. This is not a hydration to quench thirst. It is a hydration to excuse forming. When the climb is about 5 or 10 miles away, quickly start slurping in all the water you can find from the hydration bag. Get to the front of your attackers. Then get off your bike and take a long pee. Start making a few whistles. Put on a grimace to show that its getting tight down there. Stay in that position for 3-5 minutes.

Your attackers will notice this and acknowledge that you slowed down naturally to take a difficult leak. You're not going to climb as fast as them. Atleast not today. They'll wait on the top of the hill for you.

Now that was easy.

But please be reminded that none of the above strategies will work if you see a road sign beside the official start of the climb that looks like this :

To your dismay, the advantage is now on the attackers' side. You either let the inevitable happen, or you slip out of your house in the black of night, drive your car to the climb, dig the sign out with a shovel and a flashlight and hurl it down a big cliff. Wear thick black leather gloves when you do this.