New Year’s Resolution

2015 My new years resolution for this year is to work in a larger cube.

2016 My new years resolution for this year will be to work in a slightly larger cubicle than the cubicle that I worked in for the year before.

2017 This year, I plan to shake things up, and work in a cubicle next to a guy who also works in a cubicle, but is considered ‘wacky’ in our cubicle-farm because he has a cartoon calendar on his desk. I think it’s one of those Insanity Streak calendars. Boy, they’re a hoot!

2018 After a year working next to the whacky guy in my cubicle, I plan to move my cubicle to another part of the office. Possibly with a window or some sort of skylight nearby. I’ll be sure to roll up my sleeves while I’m at my desk so that I can work on my tan.

2019 This year is pay-dirt. My new years resolution for this year is to end up where I always wanted to be – in the corner. Not a corner office, that’s for next year, no, I’m now wedged in between the photocopier and the receptionist desk. The boss can see my cubicle through his window. He’ll be super impressed by how well I fill out these spreadsheets. When he’s at the golf club he’ll say: ‘Man, that Jack fills out spreadsheets.’

2020 This is what I’ve been waiting for. Twelve years of primary school, four years of university, and six years of working in this office have finally come to this moment. My parents will be proud of all the love and attention they gave me throughout the years. I’ve finally made it into an office – THAT IS KIND OF LIKE A CUBICLE BUT SLIGHTLY FANCIER. Everyone in the office is impressed in how I went from a cubicle to a cube shaped office. Truly, I have it made.

2021 I decide I’m not too big on cubicles. I need to get back in touch with nature. I get a pot plant, and water it every morning with one of those little spray nozzle watering cans. To get the feel going, I buy one of those little micro usb speakers that runs off a battery pack. The speaker plays the sounds of the rainforest on an infinite loop to get me in the mood.

2022 HR removes my pot plant from my desk and destroys the speaker that has the sounds of the rainforest track on it. They say it’s got something to do with ‘complaints from the rest of the office’ about how the music is disruptive. I cried in the elevator today.

2023 Everywhere I go all I see is cubicles. Buildings look like cubicles now – except instead of work, people go there to sleep between work hours. My house looks like a cubicle – except with a refrigerator that I don’t have to share. Trains look like cubicles that people sit in to get to their work cubicles. Cubicles, cubicles, cubicles. I take up alcohol to get me through the working week.

2024 HR gave me a leave of absence. I’ve used up my sick leave, my holiday leave and my long service leave. I haven’t been in my office shaped cubicle for some months now. The company appointed psychologist is annoying me.

2025 I plan to die today. I’ve already gone window shopping for coffins, and have picked out a really neat cube shaped one with extra padding. It reminds me of my cubicle.