Monthly Archives: March 2015

I didn’t really have anything to write tonight, so thought I would share a story I wrote, awhile ago. When I had a Facebook account, I did a thing for a story idea. I wrote the first two words, and then had my friends add words, for a sentence. I then took that sentence and made it into a story. It is as follows…

Late tonight, as I ate my Lucky Charms, I saw a Leprechaun dancing high, by a street light.

Late tonight, I was home alone watching some late night movies on TV. I suddenly had a craving for something sweet, so went to the cupboard to see what I could find. A box of Lucky Charms was way in the back, so I grabbed them. I poured a bowl full and then went to the fridge and grabbed some milk. As I ate my Lucky Charms, I picked all of the cereal pieces out first, saving the marshmallows for last. This is the only correct way, to eat this scrumptious cereal! I finally got all of the cereal pieces eaten. I was just getting ready to take a bite of marshmallows, when I noticed they all started to swirl together. They started swirling so fast, they were running together. All the colors started to flow into a bright green color. It got brighter and brighter and then all of a sudden jumped out of the bowl. I fell backwards out of my chair and screamed. As I looked up, I saw a leprechaun walking around my kitchen. I slowly crawled backwards out of the room. As I went around the corner, I heard my front door open and close. I peeked around the corner and saw that the leprechaun had left. I crept up to the window and peeked out. Out at the street, the Leprechaun was dancing high up, by a street light. He danced around it, in circles. Then all of a sudden, he popped and was gone. Green confetti showered the ground. I ran outside to the spot where the confetti had fallen. When I got there, nothing was left of the leprechaun. I stood there for a minute and then started to fall backwards. I fell, fell and fell. All of a sudden I landed. As I landed, my body jolted. I was suddenly wide awake in my bed. I walked out to my kitchen and there was no evidence of a leprechaun or even a box of lucky charms. It had all been a dream. Or had it?

In my therapy session on Thursday, we talked about the hours I work for my rent, at my aunt and uncles. Upon moving in, we agreed I would do 10 hours a week of cleaning or yard work. Now because I am behind, I am trying to do 12 hours a week. It was hard for me to get the 10 hours done a week, especially when I was working full time. I was talking to my counselor, H about how it was hard for me to get things done, and that 12 hours was overwhelming. H came to the conclusion that the reason it is hard for me to do these hours is because of my frustration towards my aunt and how she treats me. I had agreed at the time because I didn’t really know what else to say, and H was convinced of this. As I’ve been thinking about it over the last few days, I disagree with her. I think yes at certain times this is the case. When my aunt throws me another curve ball, I do go through a time of frustration and digging my heals in. I do say though, that the majority of the time, I just don’t have the energy. In the beginning of every week, I think, “I’ll get things done right away, so at the end of the week I can relax.” This doesn’t happen though. I usually get a few hours done in the beginning and then have a lot of hours in the end to rush and get done. At the beginning of the day, I think, “I’ll do 4 hours today, that will be a good chunk done in one day.” Then 3 hours later or so, I’m just done. I’m irritable and just want to sit down and watch a movie and veg out. This doesn’t have to do with my aunt. This has to do with my depression. This has to do with my lack of energy and motivation. This has to do with the fact that any time I do anything, besides sitting or laying down, I have to absolutely force myself. This has to do with my long habit of procrastination due to the above. This isn’t an excuse, this is my reality. Some people (my aunt included) say that when you have depression, once you get started the energy will come as you go along. For me that is not the case. I don’t get energy as I get going. It is exhausting! All I can think about while I’m working on things, is when I get to be done and sit down and chill out. Or when I’m at work, all I can think about is when I get to go home and take a nap.

My best friend M, has told me over and over that she thinks I should try and get on disability. I was raised to believe that this is the easy way out. There was a time when I was having major back problems and the depression, that I did try to get on disability. I wasn’t able to get on, and never pursued the lawyer part. Now the majority of the back problems are gone. I still have the chronic major depression, anxiety and BPD. Sometimes I wonder if my friend is right. Being raised the way I was though, I haven’t had the nerve to try again. Besides now, I’m working. I would have to quit working in order to pursue it again, at least that is my understanding.

Is there anyone else out there with these issues, who has gotten on disability? What was your experience? Any other thoughts on this issue? Please comment below or send me an email.

These words were spoken by a person who wore rows of stitches after they had tried to kill themselves. They sat across from me in a room of haunting hospital tiles and psychologists who did more hurt than help.

We were asked why we hurt ourselves. This was their response.

And everyone is entitled to their opinion,

But while I was curled up in a hospital bed on a medical unit being preyed on by an attending nurse who had to document every move that I made, somehow, I wasn’t okay with the idea someone else thought that bleeding was beautiful.

Bleeding was one of the things that had gotten me there.

For some reason, I didn’t find writing in crayons and markers the same size as the crayon in a notebook without the spiral beautiful. Having someone watching me while…

Last night I went to my friend N’s house to spend the night. Today was a Pray and Play church program in Portland. I spent the night at N’s so that I would already be closer and could ride with her. The big bonus to this was spending some extra one-on-one time with her, which I always enjoy. The Pray and Play was a big blessing. We had some small group activities. The pastor leading, C, always tries to get us to get into groups with people we don’t know a lot about. I ended up in a group of just me and one other person, K. I was thankful for only the two of us being in a group, and it seemed like she did too. K is a very special person and we seemed to connect well. When we first got into a group, we were sitting in front of a few women who thought they needed to talk, while C talked up front. As soon as we got a chance, K turned to me and said, “we need to move.” I was like, “Yeah, we do!” So we relocated. I then told her I wished I could say something to the women behind us, but didn’t have the guts. So we did our group activities, which focused on prayer and three women from the Bible, who saw Christ. Anna who saw HIm as an infant, The Bent Over Woman who needed healing, and the women who went to the tomb after Jesus had been risen. We then had to tie these women into our lives and talked about how we can see Christ in even small things, if we are looking. After we came back together, we again ended up sitting in front of the women who thought they needed to talk. I thought it was funny because K and I both turned at the same time and said, “Shh..” The women were quiet after that. One thing I really appreciated about K was that she had healing hands. I am the type of person that if I know you, I will put my hand on your shoulder when I talk or touch your arm. I do this a lot where I work. One resident told me I had healing hands, by doing this. It felt nice to be on the receiving side of this. It was also nice that K felt comfortable doing this, when she didn’t know me well. I will say that not everyone who does this, I feel comfortable with; but in this case, it made me feel good.

So after Pray and Play, I rode home with N, and then got my stuff and headed back to my home. When I got home, I took a nap. Then I decided I REALLY needed to stop procrastinating and mow the lawn. When I was out doing yard work the other day, I had done some pruning on the rose bushes out back, but hadn’t picked up the branches. So I needed to do that before mowing. I went over to start picking up the yard. I bent over and all of a sudden heard this, what I thought, was loud buzzing. It was really loud and I thought it was a big bug. I kind of jumped and looked to see what it was. There was a hummingbird drinking from the blueberry bush flowers. I wished I had my camera and then decided to just enjoy it while it was there, instead of stressing about having my camera. I watched it for a couple of minutes before it flew off. I got a big warm feeling in my chest as I watched it. I felt thankful that God had blessed me so much today.

Then about half an hour ago, I decided to go get the mail, as I hadn’t gotten it since Thursday. In the mail was a letter from the little boy I sponsor in Columbia. It put another big smile in my heart.

God blesses me everyday, but today I was watching and saw so many blessings. I am so thankful tonight!

Her lesson was on the Order of Operations. You know, “Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally.” First you tackle the parentheses, then the exponents. Then you do multiplication and division. Finally, you solve the addition and subtraction. All of it is done left to right, keeping the right order of those operations.

I knew there had to be a rule, because there were too many possible answers to that problem. Tackling it without any instruction required too many brain cells. I couldn’t remember back to my math days for the life of me, and apparently my daughter wasn’t paying attention in class, so we did what we always do when we’re confused:…

Today I went out and did some trimming on one of the shrubs. I had told my uncle before they left that I didn’t know how to trim shrubs and wasn’t sure how to go about it. He said to just make sure that it was back from over the sidewalk. So when I started trimming, I ended up trimming to much off of the first side. I had never trimmed this type of shrub before so didn’t really no what to expect, as to wear the greenery ended, near the center of the shrub. So there is a big hole on one side that looks pretty bad. I kind of got the hang of it after that. I went and found my uncles smaller trimming shears as all of his big ones are either dull or the handle is coming off. I couldn’t work with them, while trimming the shrub. So the shrub is trimmed but it looks like it got a really bad haircut. It bothers me because when I do these types of things, I am a perfectionist with a bit of OCD. It took me two hours to do the whole thing. I also didn’t think it would take that long, but it did. And now my arms are covered in red spots all over. They were itchy until I showered, and now they are just red.

So while the bad hair cut bothers me, I guess that’s what they get for having someone who has never done this type of thing do it. And what happens when you don’t have the correct tools for me to use. All I can say is, “Oh Well!” and move on.

Include all of these elements into a scene: a chicken, honor, the color green, and a to-do list.

The morning was early, and the sun just coming up. The grass was green from yesterday’s rain. Mrs. Chicken had a lot to do on this beautiful sunny day. She looked over her to-do list, deciding what was first. She had to get her young chicks up for breakfast, and then off to little chick school. Then she had to head over to the barnyard store. She was hosting the honorary dinner for Mrs. Cow this afternoon. There was a lot to be done, and not much time to do it in. Mrs. Cow was being honored for most supportive farmyard animal. When things got tough, Mrs. Cow held things together. It was decided to honor her with an award and dinner, to show the farmyard’s appreciation. Being one of the head board members, Mrs. Chicken was nominated to do the hosting. Mrs. Chicken was a great host, and enjoyed the job, this entails. As much as she loved hosting, she was always glad when it was over, so she could relax in the cool of the evening. So Mrs. Chicken, set off for her tasks for the day, completing each task with great enthusiasm. It had been awhile, since she had held a big party, and she was filled with excitement. As she was getting things set up, other farmyard animals started showing up to help out. The Pig family brought corn from their trough; the Horse family brought grain; and the Sheep family brought freshly cut green grass for dessert. The spiders were working to put up the decorations around the yard. Things were coming together quite nicely. Mrs. Chicken went over her to-do list one last time. She felt good about the work she had put into this dinner. It was time for Mrs. Chicken to get ready for the award ceremony. Before she went back to the party, she put out everything she would need to relax under the stars, when the evening ended.