They say that it gets better with time. This is not true. We just get better at hiding from the pain. I realized this today. It has been a year and I found myself overwhelmed with pain and longing. I thought; shit, this doesn’t hurt less at all! I’ve just learned to put it somewhere. But when it sneaks out it’s like a raincloud, sometimes it’s like a hurricane and sometimes it’s a white-out. I didn’t expect to feel so fragile still. I feel almost guilty feeling this pain when I still have so much.

Aileen was hit by someone who ran a red light a year ago July 8th. They were charged with running a red light but not with her death. She was one of the first people I met in New York. She was from Scotland too. We really understood each other and we really drove each other crazy sometimes. We had lived together, partied together. I had just stayed with her 2 weeks before the accident. It still doesn’t seem possible that someone so alive should be ripped from your world.

She had 3 kids and a husband she’d known since she was 14.It always felt a bit like her life was charmed, until then.

Sometimes I still can’t quite believe it and I wonder why she hasn’t called me.