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Back to basics

Bob Forsyth from Uplawmoor was in the ticket queue at Glasgow's Central Station when the young lady in front asked for "a return to Glasgow please".

Says Bob: "The ticket chap asked, 'But where are you going?' to which she replied, 'Largs'. She was then told that what she wanted was a return to Largs.

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"However she held her ground and said, 'No, I want to return to Glasgow', whereupon he just gave up and issued her a return to Largs and with discretion said no more about it."

Hey, good looking

A READER swears to us he heard a young girl walking down Byres Road in Glasgow ask her pals: "Do you think I'm vain?"

She then added before they could reply: "It's just that I read in a magazine article that really good-looking people often are."

Stop the bus

WE mentioned the Glasgow to Edinburgh Citylink bus this week, and it reminds James Beyer in Edinburgh of being on the service and overhearing two excitable French girls near the front having a conversation in their native tongue, with one exclaiming, 'Oui! Oui!' after her pal's chat.

The bus driver also heard her and helpfully pointed out to them where the toilet was located near the back of the bus.

Belt up

OUR school belt stories bring back painful memories for Alan Stewart in Prestwick, who tells us: "When I was a teenager I was 'awarded' two of the belt for forgetting a book, and I ended up with severe bruising on my right wrist.

"When I returned home I showed my wrist to my mother, in the hope of receiving some maternal sympathy.

"When she asked me why I got the belt, and I told her, I then got a skelp on the ear and told, 'Well you won't forget it again then will you?'"

On cue

AND Frank O'Donnell tells us about his secondary school in Glasgow in the 1970s where one of the teachers was called Mr McHugh.

Whenever he had to dish out the belt to a number of miscreants he would regularly chant: "Form a cue for Mr McHugh."

Regional surveillance

NEWS there will be a Scottish intelligence agency set up after independence, makes Rab Spence in County Durham ponder: "Will it be known as MI Fife?"

Finders keepers

DAFT gag of the week? A chap was stopped by cops in Govan walking away from the Southern General hospital with a large sign under his arm which read: "And Emergency".

When they asked him where he got it, he told them he found it by accident.

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