Dick Cheney To Show Joe Biden His Lair Tomorrow

Joe Biden has accepted a rare invitation from America’s most popular politician, Dick Cheney, to tour his off-the-grid slave castle, “One Observatory Circle,” for an “evening sit-down” tomorrow. The tour will kick off with Dick Cheney opening the front door and shooting his successor in the skull, lopping off a chunk of brain. Joe will laugh like a hyena (he is not self-aware). Then Cheney will tell Joe to go down the stairs to check out the awesome finished basement while he excuses himself for a bathroom break. Joe will descend the staircase and find himself in a Soviet gulag. [NYT/The Caucus]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

Biden should bring him the standard tribute of TruckNutz and the livers of small children.

Varchar

The visit is early in the transition since the cloning machine inside Dick’s man-sized safe takes two months to re-engineer human tissue. State-of-the-art technology in Cheney’s home serves to collect enough of Biden’s DNA in order for Dick to assume the VP-elect’s shape by early January. This leaves plenty of time to ‘disappear’ Joe during a hunting trip.

Tommy Says Soooo

FINALLY Wonkette gets back to stories about inevitable assplay.

Kwame&#39

Biden just needs to see where Sy Sperling is going to sleep for the next 4 years.

I’m looking forward to the moment when Cheney, wearing Joe Biden’s flayed skin, steps out to speak to reporters and says “the Vice President and I had a warm and comprehensive chat, and I look forward to carrying on his legacy. What?”

Cheney offers Clarice Starling a fried piece of the brain.
BTW – was Joe self-aware before the gunshot?

SlouchingTowardsWasilla

Based on the most recent pictures I’ve seen of Cheney, his life expectency is about 12 hours, so the chances of this sit-down taking place are about 50/50.

TGY

It’s ok. Joe Biden has ‘lair plugs’.

dcgrrl

Do you think Cheney can leave Biden a little of that ‘keep your mouth shut’?

dcgrrl

[re=175069]TGY[/re]: tee hee. good one.

wheelie

[re=175069]TGY[/re]: That’s a terrible joke. I’m sorry I didn’t think of it myself.

Hooray For Anything

I’m thinking it’ll be more like that episode of Buffy where Buffy and Faith switch buddies except totally not hot. So Cheney will have this ring and when they shake hands, Biden’s consciousness will be in Cheney’s body and Cheney’s “consciousness” will be in Biden’s body

SayItWithWookies

[re=175035]Varchar[/re]: Yeah but Dick’s so used to getting his own way he no longer bothers with nuances like what to do with the leftovers. He expects — and gets — the press to do the shutting up for him. In fact, he’ll probably send them all home with random Ziploc bags of bloody chunks just as a keepsake.

lampadadog

I laughed so hard at this sentence:
“Joe will laugh like a hyena (he is not self-aware).”
Until I realized, perhaps my hyena-like laughter means that I too fail to be self-aware? Ominous.

TGY

“For every American who is trying to do the right thing, for all those people in government who are honoring the pledge to uphold the law and honor the Constitution,” Mr. Biden said. “No longer will you hear the eight most-dreaded words in the English language, “‘The vice president’s office is on the phone.’”

Crap, I have a man-crush on Joe.

EricaKane

The cleaning ladies have been working FURIOUSLY to get all the bloodstains out before he comes, too.

Borat

Ya’all got it all wrong. Cheney is a pussycat. As long has he doesn’t have any guns or sharp objects around. In a straight-out catfight, Biden would kick him in the Nutz in the first half a second.

Come here a minute

“Release the hounds.”

problemwithcaring

Cheney stories have a way of being overblown, like the rumor that he has a man-sized safe. Really, that’s just his Office Casket – a man needs his power naps.

Miller

For the love of God Joe, don’t go into the cellar! Releasing your itinerary to the media was a good first step towards surviving. Making sure there’s video of you going in is the second. Make sure they get good shots of your face going in so we’ll have a reference if Cheney comes out wearing it as a mask and pretending he’s you.

Originally, I read it as “Dick Cheney to Show Joe Biden His Hair Tomorrow” — only AN HOUR LATER did I realize what it actually says. I guess I thought when Dick lopped off some Biden-lobe, he was going to shove the plugs in Joe’s face.

Weird.

mr.november

[re=175112]Blue Canary[/re]: Me too.Funny.

Sabre_Justice

It’s going to be a heartwarming passing of the torch.

Min

I hope Joe gets his shots first.

Mr. Herpes

Yeah, but the Death Star is still off limits.

nutcracker

Cheney will be fresh and ready, having just taken his monthly bath in the blood of 20 virgins,
which is all that keeps his heart beating. Many years ago, coming down Reno Rd. and thinking I was at a different intersection, I drove right into the driveway of the VP residence. Fortunately this was many years before 9/11, so I wasn’t shot. Just asked to leave. I think the VP at the time was good old Nelson Rockefeller. The guards were surprisingly laid back, all things considered.

sarcasticusername

don’t go joe, don’t go! if you have to go, at least say no to the hunting portion of the afternoon. when he breaks out the guns or strange water toys, run.

sevenrepeat

Do you think Dick will dress in all leather?

Lazy Media

OK, Joe, on Jan. 20, 2009, at noon, the Naval Observatory reappears on Google satellite maps, or you ain’t got a hair on your ass.

Itsjustme

[re=174997]grendel[/re]: You want Geraldo to be here in 10 years?

rocktonsammy

Tenting fingers

Excellent….

WesternCorrespondent

Does this mean we can find Cheney’s Lair on GoogleEarth now? :)

WesternCorrespondent

Lazy Media, we wallow in the same trough…

glamourdammerung

I really hope someone records the strings of profanities on both sides.

The Helvetica Scenario

Time to clean the skeletons out of the closets. You know, literally.

ivenson

Cheney: You ready to do this thing?

Biden: I was born ready, Sally….

Cheney (unfurling wings): IT BEGINS

Biden (whipping sawed-off shotgun out from under his suit coat): Say hello to the BOOMSTICK, HELLBEAST!

Joe the Truck Nutz

Joe is LITERALLY looking forward to this visit, folks. Mark his words.