I hurt for a long time because of childhood sexual abuse. Now I want to provide a safe place for hurting men to connect with other survivors of sexual abuse. Talk to us. You don't have to use your real name to share your experiences or ask questions.

That's where my story begins; that's where our stories begin. If we can say those same five words, "When I was a boy," we've made an excellent start. Then we can add, "I was sexually assaulted." (Or abused or molested.)

I was a child, and I was innocent. I trusted someone and that person stole my trust, my innocence, and my childhood. I've suffered because of the actions of another person. No matter how caring, kind, or warm the perpetrator may have appeared to be, he or she took advantage of me.

If we can focus on our childhood and realize how immature and innocent we were, we can also remind ourselves that we couldn’t reason the way we do today as an adult. We may also have taken the guilt on ourselves for what happened. We remind ourselves: I was a child and the abuser was a perpetrator.

If we’re typical, we’ve already gone through (or are now going through) a period of questioning and doubting while vague, often terrifying memories occasionally intrude. Deep inside, something nags at us. Yet in our most vulnerable moments, we know the truth that someone stole our innocence.

One of the reasons I write this blog twice weekly is to remind myself and others that we're not the only ones. I knew I wasn't the only victimized kid, but I felt as if I were.

Many of us have been where you have been or where you are now. We've felt the same kinds of pain you have. More than just having been there, we have survived and are still overcoming the trauma.

In the early days of healing, any of us need to remind ourselves a hundred times a day that someone victimized us. Or it might be easier to say, "Someone older and more powerful took advantage of my innocence and youth."

We need to do it because we want to convince ourselves that we made up the stories, that it didn't really happen to us. We don't want to feel demeaned (although we are) and we don't want anything to reflect on our masculinity.

And we need to tell ourselves that we won't start a sentence with the words, "I should have . . ."

Go back to the beginning. Start with, "When I was a boy . . . ." That beginning can help us become kind and compassionate to ourselves.

We didn’t know how to cope with such seductive assaults—especially when it was someone we trusted who whispered, "I love you and I won’t hurt you."

Now we may choose to say, "When I was a boy, he lied to me." To make it worse, he bribed us, called us special, or made us feel loved and wanted. We were wanted, but for his needs and not ours. Today we hurt because in childhood we were victimized.

2 comments:

When a therapist heard what I endured, he said, "You're going to have to address your guilt." But for me, there was no guilt...I only felt betrayal. It was a Christian parent, a missionary, a teacher, one that everyone thought well of, but no one "knew" what I did. Their hypocrisy almost destroyed my faith, not my guilt.

I've been learning the little boy's language. It's past time that I listen to his whimpers and understand his fears. It's kept me from talking to other little people around me. I'm afraid of their vulnerability and trusting spirit. But I'm learning to see beauty in vulnerability.

Search This Blog

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When a Man You Love Was Abused

A Woman's Guide to Helping Him Overcome Childhood Sexual Molestation

A Note from Cec

I started Men Shattering the Silence as a safe place for hurting and healing men. The blog is to offer insight and encouragement for sharing our lives with each other. This isn’t a chat room or a typical sharing group. Please don’t send personal messages to other blog readers. I want the entries to be of a general nature and focus on healing and growth.

If any of you want to talk to me personally, you may email me at cec.murp@comcast.net. If you want to make direct contact with someone on the blog who gives his name, I’ll send your request to that person and leave it up to him whether to respond.

Thank you for reading this blog. I’ve been on the healing path a long time. I’m still learning and growing when I read your comments.

Have a story to share?

Send it to cec.murp@comcast.net. You don't have to use your name.

About Me

I'm a survivor of sexual abuse. As a child, I kept quiet; as an adult, I "forgot." When I felt safe, I faced my abuse and talked about it. The more open I am in sharing my pain and recovery, the more healed I become.