Hello sailors
Hands off cocks, on socks - time to get up. Are you a morning person, full of the joys of spring as soon as the alarm goes off? Or are you the slow offspring of Oscar the grouch and his zombie cousin?

Alt: what law would you make, if you were in charge for the day? How would you enforce it?
(rachelswipewith a fork, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 7:33,
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I am normally a moring person, but I am wearied by all this sorting and packing.
I would make manners the law.Holding doors, thanking people who hold doors, no pushing, making sure you indicate, please and thank you, no spitting, none of those lads walking around holding their plums.Maybe I should just leave Liverpool.
(Rootazweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 7:42,
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Hello Duckie
Now it is getting lighter, earlier in the mornings, it is easier to drag myself out of my pit.

Alt: I'd make a law that required people that annoy me to pay a tax. I'd be rich in a week. To enforce it, a simple punch in the face, would suffice.
(BartlebyA dead man on vacation, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 7:46,
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Mornings are shit, early mornings are worse
I'm with roots on this one, whilst I'd hate to see Britain turned into a 'police state' it would be good to see spitting, threatening behaviour, loutishness etc quick and decisively punished.

I'm a morning person...
..raring to go as soon as I get out of bed. Unfortunately my G/F isn't, she's grumpy and zombified until about 10:30. Luckily we don't live together or she would have murdered me by now for my chirpy morning ways.

Alt: I would make using a mobile whilst walking an offence. Step out of the way of everyone (don't just stop in the middle of the pavement/doorway/stairs etc) and take your call. How would I enforce it? Snipers!
(Captain Placid24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:00,
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Very much a morning person.
I would ban street fundraisers. I would enforce it by allowing anyone to stab one to death on sight.
(Opinionated GobshiteI am not a robot, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:06,
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I would ban ghastly portmanteau words like 'chugger', 'Jedward' and 'Brangelina',
and would publicly flog anyone using such an abomination of a term. You'd be first.
(Monty Boyce,My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:39,
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I read in last night's Standard that Boris is pledging to automate the underground by 2014.
For the first time in my life I am considering voting, just to show my support of this measure, the greedy, blackmailing cunts: I'd love it if they all lost their jobs.
(Monty Boyce,My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:34,
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After work each night,
I hide in the lavatories until everyone's left and then huddle round the boiler for warmth, nicking food out of the fridge for my dinner. I only go home for weekends these days, to save on the Oyster.
(Monty Boyce,My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:48,
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I'm no shut in.
I even have to go out and get milk at some point today.
(Davros' Granddada voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:59,
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Take it steady, don't let it stress you out.
As you've not been out much - those large metal birds you'll see in the sky are aeroplanes. No need to point at them in awe when you're out.
(Opinionated GobshiteI am not a robot, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:01,
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I'm psyching myself up to it.
I've got my Ordnance Survey map and a rucksack full of all weather clothing and an emergency pop up tent, just in case I sprain my ankle on the way back and have to take shelter against the elements until I can be rescued.
(Davros' Granddada voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:04,
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Don't forget a fully charged mobile phone, a pen knife and a high visability jacket.

In general I am very much a morning person.
However today I have a streaming cold and would be in bed were it not for the generous terms of my lovely employer: I cannot afford to take a single day's sick until 2013 as I won't get paid for it. So WOE IS ME.

Dude,
you have a pretend 'comedy' identity on the internet, with a supporting cast of ficitious imbeciles with names like 'Tricky' and 'Sasha'. You are the most blatantly ill person on here.
(Monty Boyce,My cheese game is strong, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:58,
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duuuuuuuuuuuuuude
if you really think that, your the mentally ill one, tricky's behind me now making a sports drink, sasha went to work for a company in Tonbridge, and when she changed her facebook status to 'works at Fidelity' I replied with

you know protein shake thing
he and malc set up a gym in our backroom and they've been getting their homoerotic on for months
(QuintnoEXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:03,
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Cyclists should have to pass a 'driving test'
And pay road tax, have a license plate and must be insured like te driver of a car.
(Naked Apecall me Caitlyn, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:23,
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Cyclists should not be allowed to travel on roads.
They should use the pavement like pedestrians.The speed difference between bicycles and cars is much greater than between pedestrians and bicycles.Also, I would rather be a pedestrian who gets hit by a cyclist than a cyclist who gets hit by a car.
(TheColonel, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:58,
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I agree with this.
My original point was actually serious, I don't really have a problem with cyclists, apart from finding them mildly annoying like many motorists. I think it's a sensible idea. I work in a rural area and spend an annoyingly large part of my drive to and from work crawling behind a cyclist waiting for a safe moment to overtake.
(TheColonel, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:05,
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I live in a city with ample road space
and I spend an inordinate amount of time stuck behind motorists who are unwilling to overtake cyclists when there is clearly plenty of room. I'm sure the cyclist would be far happier to not have some spastic hovering by their back wheel too.
(tangledupinbluewhat will survive of us is guffs, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:11,
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See also: meeting other cars head on, on a road with parked cars on it.
IF THEY CAN GET PAST YOU WHEN YOU ARE STATIONARY THEN SURELY THERE IS ENOUGH ROOM WHEN WE ARE MOVING TOO!!!
(tangledupinbluewhat will survive of us is guffs, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:12,
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They are the modern equivalent of court jesters.
So it's OK to point and laugh; they actually get highly distressed if you don't as they feel they are not serving their purpose in life.
(Davros' Granddada voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:18,
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They are being punished for sins in previous lives
/Hoddlelols
(tangledupinbluewhat will survive of us is guffs, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:19,
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Mornings can fuck off.
particularly this morning as I am horrendously ill and my train is half an hour late. I'm much better at mornings than I used to be but I love my bed too much to ever bounce out of it willing and happy at 7am. I think I'd go with Roots on this one, too. It'd be a real shame if you had to enforce manners by law rather than people having them because they enjoy being polite, but it should be a criminal offence to be a mannerless, obnoxious fuckwit.
(berk, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:24,
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I'd introduce a law
Stating that if you start a thread you've got to contribute to it.
(JeffTheDogFuckerCan you dig it?, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:53,
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I'd introduce a law
stating that when someone replies to you earlier in a thread and you don't respond to their question as to whether you're alright, then you have to delete your account and kill yourself.
(Davros' Granddada voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:07,
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I have no time of day anymore
I have always been a night time person, enjoying that quiet bit of the day when everyone else has gone to bed and I can sit in peace and smoke a joint. The combination of having children and having to get up early for work has ruined this somewhat. Now I'm too knackered in the evening and still hate the mornings.

Alt: One law is not enough to effect the sort of changes I want to make.
(tangledupinbluewhat will survive of us is guffs, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:54,
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blind. And a smackhead. the most intelligent and good looking person I have ever met in my life. Everyday I try to emulate him and always fail.
(Opinionated GobshiteI am not a robot, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:16,
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+ although I draw the line at the height thing; I'm not chopping my legs off at the knees just so as I could look at him squarely in the eyes.
(Davros' Granddada voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:22,
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I maintain that Monty's response wasn't there when I started typing the above reply
and I'd nipped to the kitchen to boil the kettle.
(Davros' Granddada voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:24,
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i used to be a great morning person, i'd be up with the lark, speeding around like a hummingbird organising the rest of my day and putting my peers to shame
then i hit 28 and it all went downhill and i'd rather be in bed, it takes me til about 1pm to wake up fully
(QuintnoEXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:54,
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the trouble with google reselling is that they don't know when you have gone through with an order
so they're still trying to sell me things i've already bougt and have no interest in buying again

I'm not a morning person, takes me at least 3 snoozes of my phone alarm before I get up in the morning
I used to rather enjoy getting up and having a really hot shower within about a minute of getting out of bed, but my housemate has beaten me to that 3 times in the last 2 weeks, which is starting to get frustrating now.

man, people are on form today
*cricket applause*
(the mighty badgerAphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:21,
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Mornings can get to fuck.
I need 3 ciggies and a litre of coffee before conversation can start.

Alt: I would introduce an extra 1p income tax that went to me.

On a different note, there is a girl in the Metro that won an Oscar that I went to school with. She was in The Artist. A very nice girl as I recall.
(Set your faces to StunnedCome on 2016. Give me a fucking break., Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:04,
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It's uncanny.
You'd never be able to tell it was 'shopped if it wasn't for the fact that his face is a completely different fucking colour.
(Davros' Granddada voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:25,
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Attempted vindication by the habitual wearer of pink socks.
My life as an aggressively heterosexual Hemingway-esque drinker and fighter is over. To be replaced by long-haired cats and fashion magazines.
(Silent Night, Kronely Night, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:22,
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It's those that fear pink that should be concerned for their heterosexuality.
I prescribe going and wrestling a bear.
(the mighty badgerAphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:25,
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I was on holiday in San Diego a few years back.
And Chris Isaak was playing a gig at the hotel I was staying in (they had an outdoor concert arena in the grounds). I spent a very pleasant evening in the hot tub with a few drinks listening to him without all that tedious mucking about with paying for tickets.
(Davros' Granddada voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:28,
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Find me a you tube link and I shall.
This is funny for two reasons. Firstly, I expect that remix exists only in the darker recesses of your record collection and, secondly, the idea of you attempting to use something like the internet brings to mind the image of a chimp attempting to repair a nuclear reactor.

I expect you only stumbled onto this site because your daughter showed you how to make the mouse work.
(Silent Night, Kronely Night, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:28,
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Mornings are bent.
I woke up about half an hour ago and I can just about focus on my phone screen now. I'm not what you might call a morning person. Unfortunately, being the child of a morning person, I have a long history of being made to feel bad about this.

And what's with people who keep telling me I've missed half the day? Does their day finish at noon? Smug, chirpy, morning bastards.

nonono, thats jacqui, who i saw on my way into work and now everyone thinks we're having an affair LOL
(jaqcui is full time, tracey comes and goes as she pleases)
(QuintnoEXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:32,
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Is Tracey a cleaner?
She sounds like a cleaner.
(TheColonel, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:33,
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She comes and goes as she pleases.
And her name is Tracey. With an "e"
(TheColonel, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:38,
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i'd have said tracy without the e was less classy
although she did get her hubcaps stolen in essex and she supports chelsea, maybe she isn't so classy after all
(QuintnoEXPERIMENT RUINED CANCELLED, LEFT 4EVER, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:41,
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I'm pretty sure
"having your hubcaps stolen in Essex" is a euphemism but I dread to think what for.
(the mighty badgerAphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:45,
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just for jeff
i don't need much sleep so i'm always up early and happy about it, and always late to bed and happy about that too.

law? lots of good suggestions on here. getting rid of the filthy inept greedy cunting tube drivers (last night's was a peach, he only announced the change in destination AFTER we left earl's court, meaning i ended up in the arse end of nowhere in sw london, the useless cunt) is my favourite.

so long as the law includes making bob crow the first person to be hung, drawn and quartered this century, i'm on board with that.
(rachelswipewith a fork, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:31,
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pictures are hung, people are hanged
however, hung drawn and quartered is the exception, sorry dude. because the victim was not "hanged by the neck until dead" - he was strung up for a bit, then cut down, drawn through the streets, and finally disembowelled. his internal parts were burned and the body cut into four pieces, which were then displayed around various parts of the city. if the executioner was particularly skilful, the poor sod was still alive to watch his own entrails burn.

actually, now i see it written down, that's nowhere near enough for bob crow.
(rachelswipewith a fork, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:35,
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pass
i've only ever seen it as "hung" - there's even a pub called "the hung drawn and quartered". i'd have to do more googling than this morning's workload would allow!
(rachelswipewith a fork, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:49,
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Directly opposite where I sit. I can see it right now.
True story.
(Set your faces to StunnedCome on 2016. Give me a fucking break., Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:53,
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mostly yeah
have had the occasional treat. i got corrupted by a b3tan a couple of weeks ago. and i have a client lunch on thu. but generally it's been nil by mouth since new year.
(rachelswipewith a fork, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:56,
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"makes a comment about stunned's 'patch' being the pavement outside a pub"

my very basic understanding was that "hanged" meant "until dead"
but i'd have to do some criminal legal research to establish the actual position. and i can't see my clients accepting that on the bill!
(rachelswipewith a fork, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:56,
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I found the revenue protection officers a bit depressing
they only seem to catch the idiots and poor people.
(Set your faces to StunnedCome on 2016. Give me a fucking break., Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:02,
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I know but there are loads of people wagging the fare
who, if a little smart, get away with it. The officers were catching morons.
(Set your faces to StunnedCome on 2016. Give me a fucking break., Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:27,
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They were a bit.
Last week's was a sad indictment on the "I don't give a fuck about anyone" attitude of people when that poor bint got stabbed and thrown on the track so they had to close the station, much to the annoyance one particularly hard faced cow. "But how am I supposed to get to Hammersmith?"
(Davros' Granddada voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:06,
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