The Most Obnoxious Things Couples Do in Restaurants

They say when you laugh, the world laughs with you. But when you love, the world certainly does not love with you. In fact, it takes a look at your love, dry heaves, then decides to go home and eat a pint of ice cream. Even in restaurants. Scratch that. ESPECIALLY in restaurants.

Here are the most grating, irritating, and just plain obnoxious things couples do when they eat out.

1. Sitting on the same side of the booth

There are conjoined twins out there who would do anything to sit on opposite sides of a table. But seriously, think of why this would be necessary:

• You are trying to rub on each other in ways that violate the entry above.

• You are so disgustingly in love with each other that you have to be close at all times.

• You’ve literally never been in a restaurant before because you two were stranded on a desert island when you were 4 years old with nobody else but an old salty cook who soon passed away, leaving the two of you to discover the ways of the world (and your respective bodies!) totally naturally and without involvement from the outside world. This is really nice, and how love should be. But maybe watch a few episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives before going out to a restaurant for the first time so you know how to fit in.

2. Playing footise, handsie, and mouthsie

Footsie is… bearable. Most of the time we can’t see it. Handsie can get weird, especially at spots without cloth napkins. Mouthsie is almost never OK. Almost.

3. Feeding each other

Spoon-feeding another person should be reserved for babies and coma patients, not for delivering bite after bite of steak to another able-bodied adult.

4. Trying to force couple friendships

They were eyeing you the moment you sat down. They’re asking what you’re going to order. They’re asking what neighborhood you live in. They’re doing anything they can to talk to anyone but each other, as they exhausted their thoughts on Westworld 10 minutes ago and have nothing left in the conversation tank.

5. Speaking in cutesy voices

Regardless of whether your boo-boo cares if you nibble on one of his wittle Frenchy fries, if he doesn’t get his spoony-wooney out of your soups-sy, I might just get an ulcer-wulcer.