​Richard Chambers (@newschambers) opens his account of the Irexit conference by describing the show as a Pantomime and he’s not too far off the mark as the mental age of the room is no more than 6 and a half, possibly less, but it would be an absolute insult to 7 year olds to consider it any greater.

The conference itself was a testament to free speech and democracy as there was very little trouble from AntiFa who some anticipated would disrupt the meeting. A prominent Garda presence was on site nonetheless but it’s hard to tell how many were actually on duty.

Two Indian blokes arrived kind of late on the scene and shuffled to the back of the hall, not sure if they took a wrong turn and scurried to the loft or if they were intimidated by the flock of MAGA hats in the front and centre.

By the time the talks commenced there was a small gathering of no more than 250 Irexiters, by contrast you’d have more people at a small country wedding or a misty regatta.

Hermann Kelly (@hermannkelly) hosted the sessions but was quite inaudible due to microphone problems and a heavy Derry accent which made him sound a bit like a drunk nationalist singing ‘RA songs with his mates.

Professor Anthony Coughlin was first to take the stage, he opened with:“The EU has attempted to demolish democracy and establish a Superstate”.

I did a quick reality check just to be sure and turns out not only is the EU one of the primary democratic establishments in the world but stands atop of the birthplace of democracy itself.

None the less once you commit yourself to a paranoid fantasy and delusions of grandeur it’s hard to stop there;“The EU is a Franco-German racket to take control of Europe by peaceful means having failed to do so by force in WW1 and WW2”

Another completely nonsensical statement that’s grossly inaccurate and portrays some kind of warped version of history whereby Germany and France conspired to control Europe through the bloodshed of millions of their own people, but I didn’t leave yet, I promised myself I’d give this a chance and to remain open minded throughout, it’s not like Tony just denied the holocaust or started campaigning for equal rights for heterosexuals.

Tony then attempted to start a rally to take back our neutrality by abandoning PESCO which most 6 year olds would find difficult to understand given we’re a small island nation in a big bad world operating unsupervised military flights out of Shannon on behalf of the US empire, so I can see why he began to lose the crowd a bit.

However he recaptured his audience with more inaccuracies asking the crowd to band together with the people of Northern Ireland;“We should align ourselves with our countrymen and women in the North of Ireland in leaving the EU”

Needless to say, but for the sake of accuracy, the people of Northern Ireland voted in majority to remain in the EU but the British crown dragged them through Brexit by the hair of their heads. Nonetheless the alt-right version of events does not factor in the basic elements of reality you would find in a box of cornflakes should they chose to question such statements.

Up next was Dr Karen Devine (@DevineDrKaren‏) the kind of lecturer who would convince you that sending your kids to college is a pointless exercise as they’re more likely to come out brain washed cult victims of the alt right than the kind of moral standing citizens you would hope them to be.

Kaz got the golden chalice of the talks with the topic of the fishing industry, which has been heavily scrutinised by Eurosceptics and EU participants alike for several years now.

However it’s a nonsense debate if you’re going to discuss it without raising the problem with over fishing in the first place and a complete myth if you think the situation will be resolved by Ireland exiting the EU, as if control over our international waters alone will solve the problem or that our exit would result in a net gain for our fishing industry which is grossly underfunded to begin with. At present we’re simply not a major presence in the fishing industry in Europe which is aggravating for everyone given its value and how we could be benefiting a greater deal from it. Nonetheless exiting Europe would mean we remove ourselves from the process of reforming the industry and decimating our small fishing communities which actively depend on the EU market.

Kazza also asserted the EU’s austerity measures were responsible for Ireland’s level of suicide rates and that money diverted to PESCO should instead be used to tackle mental health issues in the country;“money that could be used in reducing our youth suicide rate so our children can continue living in their homeland”.

This to me is not only a sick twist of shifting the blame on to the EU but also grotesque opportunism in the way an unqualified medium conducts a séance to rape the victims of a grieving family.

John Watters took to the stage next looking like the Alt Right Jesus, bowing to his audience before delivering a self glorifying analogy that I doubt the first congregation of ‘Adults Who Are Mentally Aligned to High Infants’ understood (AWAMAHI for short).

“Ireland is no longer a Republic in anything other than name, it’s no longer a democracy” he declared to the crowd.

Again quick definition checks:Republic: A state in which supreme power is held by the people and their elected representatives, and which has an elected or nominated president rather than a monarch.Democracy: A system of government by the whole population or all the eligible members of a state, typically through elected representatives.Schizophrenia: A mental disorder characterized by abnormal social behaviour and failure to understand reality. Common symptoms include false beliefs, unclear or confused thinking, hearing voices that others do not, reduced social engagement and emotional expression, and a lack of motivation.

John Watters took to the stage like a preacher, his attack on the ‘Elites’ in politics was unyielding but either he gives the people in power way too much credit for their intellectual abilities or he’s, dare I say it deluded.

Still I promised myself I would keep an open mind and perhaps J-Dog is a fair and rational human being who wants to work towards a better future for all, it’s not like everyone on the right is a religious zealot who refuses to live by their very own Christian values:

“The core of Europe was its 2000 year old Christian Civilisation, this is now under attack”.

Shit I was completely wrong, I tried my best not to look him directly in the eye for fear of seeing the fires of hell, he isn’t Jesus at all but more likely a prophet of the anti-christ Fr Murphy warned me about.

“All of this happens at a time we’re forbidden to talk about such things”

By now I’m not sure what he was talking about but based on the cheers of the crowd I assume he’s talking about burning Jews and Asylum seekers. Watter’s describes Europe’s Christianity being ebbed away by a “metastatic cancer”.

I’m now paralysed between a state of remaining open minded and screaming ‘What The Actual Fuck you Fuckwit Dickhead’ but I save myself from being ejected by the knowledge that King Clown has yet to speak.

“The Irish people have been subject to relentless populist propaganda” he continues, populism being the deluded mental state of snowflakes as far as the alt right are concerned, or to rephrase it correctly a state of compassion for the word around us with a common goal to work together to create a brighter future for our children.

Watter’s then describes the three pillars of Irish society as “Family, Church, Nation” a throwback to his family viewing of ‘American Sniper’ at Christmas as Alt Right fledglings who fear propaganda culture do.

He wraps things up by calling for a “Revolution against bullshit and bullying” a revolution against PC culture which he describes as “not only censorship in saying certain things but thinking certain things” to which the tinfoil hat audience lapped up and they were on their feet as he declared:“We need to be able to say what we think, what the sovereign people demand”​I think I was the only person in the room who was full sure I didn’t want to hear what he was thinking but John Watters did not need to say a word because everyone standing applauding was thinking the same thing and worse. If I was an immigrant seeking a better life I would be packing my bags for America right now, no wait, fuck, what’s happening exactly.