America’s Happiest Seaside Town

Civic duty requires me to man-up and make this offer: I will pay you so we win next time!

Rude jerks and stupid people are a real bummer, and definitely can affect the happiness of others. To win first place, all we have to do is replace jerks with happy people. It won’t be fun or easy, but someone has to step up and get this done! I guess that someone is me.

This is the plan to hit number one: I will essentially pay you to leave!

If you are rude, a jerk, or just plain stupid: contact me immediately and I will get your home sold quickly, for top dollar so you can move to an area that appreciates you! Don’t spend time surrounded by happy people who don’t value your fine qualities! Make the move now to join your fellow grumblers and live the miserable life you envision!

I am even willing to offer an incentive to get the job done: A one percent discount on the commission, which we shall call the “1% Bye Bye Bonus”.

You do not have to prove you are a rude jerk or stupid! Just contact me and say you qualify for the Bye Bye Bonus, and it will be applied!

Historically, my customers and clients are smart and happy people. I will make an exception for you, but we will need to have some guidelines in place for me to work with you.

The property will be priced correctly. It isn’t smart to overprice a home (remember you do not have to prove you are stupid).

You will be nice to me (again, you don’t have to prove you are a jerk, I will take your word for it).

You will receive two warnings. The 3rd time you are rude or disrespectful to me, the buyer will be awarded the full 1% Bye Bye Bonus.

You will follow my recommendations (I have been doing this as a full-time, licensed real estate professional for over 20 years; my experience trumps yours).

Half of the Bye Bye Bonus goes to the buyer (We want you to be glad you are leaving, and the buyer to be glad they are moving here!)

Buyer may be disqualified from receiving the bonus if it is determined, in agents’ sole discretion, that buyer may not contribute to the happiness of the neighborhood.

We will market your property as qualifying for the 1% Bye Bye Bonus, complete with rude and/or stupid statements from you. This will verify to the public that I have done my part in making us all happier when you leave!