I don't drink alcohol, I drink distilled spirits; so I am not an alcoholic... I am spiritual
Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the
Government take care of him; better take a closer look at the American Indian!" .

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.

I'm a great gambler and I can prove it says Grandpa. How about a demonstration?

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, Okay. Go ahead.

Grandpa says, I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.

The auditor thinks a moment and says, It's a bet.

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand - with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

Want to go double or nothing? Grandpa says, I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

Are you okay? the auditor asks.

Not really, says the attorney. This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it

Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome - both are fatal!........................

If you ever see a man with hairy ears...bear this in mind.....

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody." The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

"Whom is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor,
"that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."