Category Archives: humor

Rarely am I bothered by things that the mainstream dictates as “offensive”. However, there are some occasions when it hits me – hard. For instance, I found myself truly offended a few years ago at the rodeo when two women wearing hijabs stopped by a booth to put on cowboy hats and take selfies. Considering there would be cultural ramifications for me (a non-Muslim) even trying on a hijab, I found it particularly insulting that these women would put such a culturally iconic symbol over their veiled heads for giggling pictures. If you are going to whine about Americans showing you cultural respect, then do the same in return.

But alas, this post is about a different matter. One near and dear to my heart, even more so than western attire, though just as symbolic in its own right. American muscle cars. Yes you read that right – muscle cars. Those iconic heavy metal masterpieces of horsepower, wrapped in steel and accented in chrome. Every American car company had their players in the game – Chevy had Camaro, Chevelle, Nova and of course the Corvette. Ford had the Shelby Cobra, Mustangs and the Mercury Cougar. Pontiac had the GTO and Firebird, Oldsmobile had the 442 and Dodge had the greats like the Challenger and Charger. Even their colors has amazing names like Ermine White, Plum Crazy Purple, Daytona Yellow, Fathom Green and Lemans Blue. Then, to go the extra mile, they were special editions that just set the bar higher. In 1969 a four door Chevelle with a small block 327 was a nice family car. A two door Chevelle with a small block 350 was just plain fun! A two door Chevelle SS big block 396 meant you were owning the road. But a Chevelle Yenko/SC 427 (deep sigh)…if you could get your hands on one of the 99 rare beasts made by Don Yenko and Chevrolet, well that one made life just about perfect. Powered by a 427-inch big block with 450 hp, your choice of a 4-speed manual or 3-speed automatic transmission, power brakes, power steering, heavy duty springs and your choice of either Rally or Mag wheels. In 1969, this amazing ride would have set you back a whopping $5,200. Recently one of these rare beauties sold at auction for $275,000. (Hold on- I have to pause and wipe the drool off my chin).

Ok, back to being offended.

There is so much to love about these icons. But part of what makes them legendary is that they have become rare gems. Given their age and the fact that most of these cars were raced and wrecked in their prime, very few have survived as road-worthy (or at least restorable). But like any fabled creature surrounded by tall-tales and amazing stories, there are also those who just have to ruin a good thing.

1969 Dodge Charger – very cool and very rare

It was one thing when our car culture decided to go “retro”. There was the reintroduced VW Beetle, some not so successful creations like the HHR and the PT Cruiser, and revamped classics like the Camaro and Mustang*. Then Dodge decided it would be “cool” to bring back the Challenger, Charger, Avenger, and Dart. (deep breath) Why Dodge? Why pin classic names to new cars that have NOTHING in common with their iconic predecessors?

2016 Dodge Charger – not even close!

And since we are on the subject of destroying icons, Chevy keeps circulating rumors of a new Chevelle (that looks like the bastard child of a Camaro and an Impala), and some NJ based company called SVE has licensed the rights to use the term “Yenko/SC” and is building 800 hp Camaros under this pseudonym.

NOW I’M OFFENDED!

“Gee I wish I had a Chevelle with safety features and too many electronics, that has no performance and that I can’t work on, and ultimately costs more than my first house!” SAID NO ONE EVER.

Stop screwing with these LEGENDS! Get your heads out of your corporate asses and get some damn originality in your design department. If you can’t think of something innovative then quit making cars! As for the guys licensing the Yenko moniker – you take the cake in lack of originality. You just couldn’t let that badge rest on its laurels. Not quite as bad as Ford misusing the Cobra badge on newer Mustang’s, but at least Dodge came up with a new designation when it created the Hellcat. Oh – I get that you do custom work and make super cars, but then so does Hennessey Performance, and they don’t trash vintage terms to do it.

So yes, I’m offended. Partially by the trampling of amazing memories and classic creations, but MOSTLY by the lack of originality in a billion dollar industry. Show some respect to the culture and history that you helped define and that set you apart in the first place! Instead of butchering the past, you should be shaping the future – finding cool new designs that embrace change and make driving fun again. You should be inspiring a whole new generation in the love affair with performance and design concepts, and showing them what it really means when you say “this is not your father’s Oldsmobile”.

*While Camaros and Mustangs have changed immensely over the years, they get a pass in this rant because they have remained current and progressed with the times.

As 2016 draws to a close, Life seems to have kicked in to a higher gear. I’m trying to get my daughter moved out of state (which has its own set of challenges), family members are facing health concerns, the dating life is non-existent and the job is still moving at a frantic pace. So what does my girl-brain decide to do? Get hung up on an abstract detail of course. A once benign question morphed into a life-altering conundrum just when I need it the least…let me explain.

For a few years now I’ve run across someone locally who had my same name. We had the same dentist, used the same mechanic, and shopped at a handful of other stores. It was odd and often left me wondering if I had ever stood in line with this other woman, or even if there had been identity theft. Then a few weeks ago I gave in to the crazy urge and googled my name. Ugh! BIG MISTAKE! So many women share my name! Even a couple have the same middle name! WTH?

Ok – so nominally I’m not as unique as I thought. But then I started looking over some of the bios and reasons they show up in internet searches. Ironically most of them are in the medical, science or mental-health fields. These ladies have very distinguished careers, working to change the world and just generally make life better across the board.

Now, I’m an only child so I’ve never been subjected to the whole sibling rivalry/comparison thing. But reading about these women was about as close as I could have gotten. My other namesakes are brilliant and accomplished and recognized among their peers. And I’m…well…not. Suddenly girl-brain took this once vague idea and built a glorious temple around the concept of “compared to these women, who the hell am I?” I have recently spent too many hours on the cold marble floors of meaningless self-reflection just pondering that statement. Admittedly to little avail.

Oh the ponderings have run very deep at times, and I’ve made some interesting observations about myself and the state of my life. But there is still no definitive answer to “who am I?” Depending on the day of the week, how stressed I am, and a thousand other conditions, the answers vary from ‘an unappreciated mother who’s ready to strangle her eldest’ to ‘an old soul who’s tired of all the noise’ to ‘an imaginative writer about to burst onto the publishing scene’ to ‘a failure who just wants to go to sleep and never wake up’. Yeah – some days are harder than others, but these pondering haven’t been all bad. They’ve helped me take stock and see where I am, to accept what I’ve done in my life and what I haven’t done with my life. Which leads me to ponder what I will do to change that.

Who am I? I wish I knew – I wish I had a concrete answer that resonated in my spirit and just leapt out in response. But maybe its good that I don’t because it allows me to be whoever I want to be, or need to be, depending on what Life has thrown my way. I have also accepted that while other ladies may share my name, that’s about as far as we go in comparison of our lives and I need to leave it as such. I wish I could say girl-brain has torn down her temple of painful contemplation and let the subject go, but she’s just not quite there yet. I had her at least add a comfy couch and some soothing music so I could reflect in peace. Those marble floors are hard on the spirit as well as the knees.

I have been a faithful lover of your product for 40+ years now. From grand sweeping epics like Gone with the Wind, to the timeless animation of most anything Disney, to adventures in space with light sabers or robots or even very scary Aliens. I have laughed with icons such as Gene Wilder, Bette Midler, and George Burns. I’ve been terrified by Jaws, Alien, and Poltergeist. I have been caught up in timeless romances with The Notebook, Pride & Prejudice, and oh yes, Gone with the Wind (that one really covers a lot of ground).

You have given us heroes of all shapes, sizes and colors. You have countered every one with villains of every conceivable nature. You have taught us to dream bigger, push farther, and stretch our imaginations and hearts to the breaking point. We laugh, cry, scream in fright and sometimes anger – right along with the characters you send us. Occasionally you even change our very lives because of a few hours spent in the dark, staring at that alluring silver screen.

But lately I find myself disappointed on a consistent basis. What’s the deal Hollywood?

Let’s start with this – Why do you feel it necessary to rehash timeless classics? The Amityville Horror, Carrie, Footloose, Ghostbusters – the originals captivated us, told the story very well, and didn’t need to be remade. If the original was a success, and no one was clamoring for a redo, why go through the trouble? All you’re doing is trivializing the epic-ness of the first one.

Why drag out a series ad-nauseum? Nightmare on Elm Street, Saw, X-Men, Jurassic Park, Fast & Furious. They all get to the point where they are entirely too predictable – same heroes, different villains, someone important dies to shake things up, good guys still win and we’ve set up the next movie. We loved them in the beginning, but you drag them out to the point that it’s just no fun anymore. Stop it!

What happened to epic sagas? Again I defer to GWTW as my standby measure. Avatar was on that scale – lord knows that movie needed an intermission. But it seems this art-form of grand story telling is lost and that’s a shame.

Do you ever listen to public opinion or screen movies before releasing them? My guess here is no. If you did you would not have released the monumental disappointment known as Superman vs Batman, Dawn of Justice. I think I just threw up a little thinking about it. I won’t fault your cast choices (especially Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman). But the lack of story line, the over use of flashbacks (we ALL KNOW what’s happened with Kent and Wayne to make them who they are!), and the warped portrayal of Lex Luthor with an almost Riddler-esque quality. Not to mention that bizarre monster thing you threw in. Geez – 2 hours of setup rehashing things we already knew and swirling miscommunication to get to 5 minutes of action for everyone to kiss and make up at the end. And the haphazard way you tossed in the future members of the Justice League – did you forget they were supposed to be included? If you had screened it before final cutting, you could have made some serious improvements and saved the audience about 40 minutes of lost life-span.

I think opinion polls or test audiences would also help steer you away from failures like Winter’s Tale, Pompeii, The Single Mom’s Club, Cowboys vs Aliens, Driven, Gigli, Pixels, and Zoom. These are just a handful of the bombs that have cost far more to make than they could ever hope to bring in. Who approves the budget for these? Who thought any of these were a good idea?

Do the people who adapt books to screenplays ever actually read the book? While The Notebook was phenomenal, I’m specifically referring to Starship Troopers. Other than the title and character names, NOTHING in this movie reflected the plot, ideals, or storyline of the book. It’s a fantastic book but no one wants to read it anymore because they associate it with that lame excuse for a movie. The fact that there were subsequent really really bad films to make a series only nauseates me further. Other shameful adaptations include War of the Worlds, The Great Gatsby, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and the Harry Potter books. C’mon guys! Read the book first!!

And on a personal note, for the love of little kittens, please STOP rehashing comic book characters; Spiderman, Batman, Catwoman, Superman, Fantastic Four, even the Joker!! Leave these guys alone and move on to someone else.

I could add another page on remakes and rehashing that is Star Wars, but I digress. I could ask why we no longer expect our actors to be gentleman with style or ladies of elegance and wit. Seriously, name me one current A-list actress that can act, sing, and dance backwards in high heels? *(update, I stand corrected – Emma Stone).

Dearest Hollywood, I still want to be captivated, terrified, enraptured, romanced, and taken for a white-knuckled ride. I still have faith in your ability to do all this and more. You have shown me greatness, sent me home laughing, put me on the edge of my chair, or other times left me too stunned to leave my seat. Maybe it’s time for some house cleaning – obviously you have too many non-movie lovers making the decisions out there. I’m tired of wasting my time and money watching substandard actors making banal and clichéd films. You are the Motion-Picture Industry – it’s high time you started acting like it again.

2015 ends tomorrow and I confess I’m not quite ready for that. It’s not for things left undone, but rather I don’t want to see this one go. 2015 in of itself seemed significant – well established into the second decade of the 21st century, it was a year when more futuristic adventures were expected thanks to Marty McFly (and the Jetsons, Space Odyssey, Star Trek, and countless others). Don’t even get me started on my expectations for space travel and living on other planets!

Sure, we’ve made progress with electronics and gadgets and to some extent privatized space flight, but we’re still not there. Where? THERE – THE FUTURE!!! You know, the time of flying cars and automated kitchens that can cook for us. Ok – we have Roombas, but they aren’t exactly Rosie the robot maid. We are just in the infancy of gadgets we can talk to that can control nearly every aspect of our house (thanks to guys who are far too envious of Tony Stark’s JARVIS). But then with all the hackers out there, who wants to take that chance? If your smart thermostat gets too much attitude, you could find yourself living in a sauna, hostage to its demands of better HEPA filters and a cute new humidifier to talk to.

Alas, our visions of the future have too many variables. We want progress, convenience, technology and less burden on ourselves (lazy creatures that we are). But at what point do we cap the capacity of machines to assist us? Will Asimov’s Three Laws of Robotics be enough of a safeguard? Consequently, he envisioned them being commonplace and advanced enough to need those three laws by 2058 – a mere 43 years away. Yet between hackers, dependence on fossil-fuels, and movie-induced fears of the machines taking over, I suspect our growing pains into Techtopia will be long and fraught with setbacks.

Ok, in all fairness and with respect to the last century, we ARE living in a world our great-grandparents could barely imagine, one that sees brilliant advances daily. Do you realize that cameras, books, calculators, calendars, credit cards, house phones, and desktop computers (all very cool even 10 years ago) have all been replaced by a single device that fits in your pocket? Am I wrong to be unimpressed with the fact blue-tooth (cordless) earbuds will be the rage at the January Consumer Electronics Show? Have I become jaded ? Perhaps a little. But more likely, these things have just become commonplace and I expect more (that feeling is not just confined to the kids born after 2000 who have no idea what a landline is or how to work a tv without a remote).

I could ponder the potential achievements of the next 40 years for several hours, if not days. I mean, look how much tech has inundated our lives in that last 40 years alone! HOPEFULLY, by the time I’m 80 (ish), I’ll be telling my car its flying too high and to slow the hell down, or arguing with my smart-ass house because it can’t keep the temperature adjusted to match my hot-flashes, and definitely telling my great-grandkids about how I remember the days when we used smartphones to actually talk to each other.

I have approximately 36 hours as of this writing before 2015 quietly fades away. I guess I am harboring hope for some amazing breakthrough that will revolutionize living as we know it. Something so colossal it makes the last decade look mundane. I’m praying the geeks have been saving something for the 11th hour, and we’re going to open 2016 with a bang that has nothing to do with champagne corks. Here’s to waking up on January 2, 2016 and thinking WOW! Now we’re in The Future!

To close out year #45, the daughter and I had a busy weekend. On Saturday we went to the zoo for my company’s annual picnic. Since I’ve only been at this job a week, it was a rather awkward event because I only recognized about 7 people. But after lunch we were able to see the zoo and that was really fun. I haven’t been in ages and they have really expanded and upgraded the exhibits. My daughter Chelsie turns 21 in a few weeks and her favorite animal is the giraffe, so of course we had to go see them. In addition to seeing the new baby in the group, she was able to feed them. The look of unbridled joy on her face was priceless! That was an early birthday present for both of us, though for different reasons.

On Sunday, we had a volunteer opportunity at the local airshow. I’m NOT a morning person, but I dragged myself out of bed for the hour (ish) drive south to Ellington AFB to get there at 5:30am (do the reverse math and you realize I was up very early). Upon arrival I was met with a considerable bit of confusion from the other volunteers but more on that in a moment.

During my shift I met some great people from the Houston Police Dept, the Texas Guard, and of course the pilots for the actual planes. The pre-dawn hours were chilly and windy, but the sunrise was amazing and the day was clear and perfect for flying. It was great to watch the vintage planes take flight, knowing people care enough to maintain them and keep their colorful history alive. The precision of the Breitling air team from France was amazing – these jets fly with less than 10 feet of space between planes – that’s crazy precise! And of course the Thunderbirds are always an outstanding close to the show. My face is sunburned from a day spent staring up in the sky (even with a hat on), but Chelsie and I had so much fun- it was definitely worth it.

Now, about those volunteers. I’ve been a part of our local CERT group for many years (Community Emergency Response Team – organized by Dept of Homeland Security and the local OEM). They’re a good group that teach valuable skills and produce some well trained volunteers. But, how can I put this…they also host some nut jobs. I understand that in volunteer based organizations, beggars can’t be choosers, but there comes a point where certain volunteers may not support an organization’s best interests.

CERT teaches disaster preparedness – if poo hits the fan, the first responders may not be able to get to you or your neighborhood. CERT teams are established to be able to respond and contain most situations until the cavalry arrives. They are trained to handle the basics of triage/medical, search and rescue, communications, and fire suppression. They teach you to work in teams, methodically and in a government approved format, to minimize risk while maximizing effort. It’s a great program, its free, and again, entirely volunteer driven.

While taking the class, CERT provides you basic gear, like hard hats, gloves, goggles, medical supplies, etc.- the basics to get you started with emergency response. You are free to add to it as you like. This tends to bring out the extreme preppers in your neighborhood. By the 2nd class McPrepster is hauling in his military grade pack with enough gear to face the zombie hordes while you are still trying to figure out basic acronyms . Versions of this extremist are found in other roles throughout CERT – the over organizer who wants every drill or event to be perfect, the radio specialist who takes over all communications, and the ones who know just enough to be dangerous. Yes, they mean well, but they tend to not play well with others. Group members stop wanting to participate because these guys take over the show and suck all the joy out of doing a good deed. This also means that when they get all jacked up for an event in mil-spec BDU’s and their official CERT gear, they can be overbearing to the public, which casts a disparaging pallor over the organization and makes recruiting other volunteers a lot harder to do.

Such was the case Sunday. The team was small, but comprised of people who just felt the need to be overly in charge of their assigned tasks. In an emergency where you may be saving lives, I get that mentality and we would all be in that mode. But this was a family friendly event, where our primary goals were checking gate passes and redirecting traffic. Have fun, smile at people, be courteous as you tell them they are at the wrong entrance, and when they feel the need to vent about lack of signage, smile and be sympathetic. Anything else is just unwarranted. There was no need for you to bring tactical gear, a trunkload of equipment, or a smartass attitude. We’re volunteers trying to do a public service – if you have to ruin that for the public and the rest of the volunteers, then what’s the point? While I see this currently in CERT, I’ve seen it elsewhere, and I just hope we can all remember (and maybe remind our volunteering cohorts) that we’re all working for the same cause, and none of us are getting paid for it. We learned it as kids, but sometimes we need to remind each other as adults: play nice or else pretty soon there won’t be anyone else to play with!

It started out a typical Monday morning. I didn’t really want to get out of bed, especially not for work. I was dragging my feet (and other body parts) and just puttering along, finally getting into the car and out into traffic. Finally navigated my share of friendly Houston drivers to get to the office (amazingly on time). Managed to not get hit by some coworkers driving in the garage who were apparently doubly anxious to get in to work, and grudgingly made my way in to the elevator bank.

Waiting…waiting…crowd is growing…waiting…really? This is (expletive) ridiculous! Or so said some of those waiting with me . We were at work, but couldn’t get to work, and oddly that makes people irritable.

Then something caught my eye and I looked to see a lady wheeling in a shrouded object on a dolly. Actually most everyone around me looked at her, or more specifically the object she wheeled. It may have been draped in a black cover, but there was no mistaking the shape. It was a harp. Yes, H-A-R-P – harp. There were murmurs from a few people behind me “she’s wheeling a what?” Again, yes, a harp.

Then a funny thing happened, the elevator doors opened but no one got in. Seems the sight of a lady wheeling a harp on a dolly is just THAT out of the ordinary. Someone realized we had to catch the elevator, and we regained our collective senses and packed in. I couldn’t help but smile at her because it was so unusual for all of us, yet so obviously normal for her. As I did I overheard her saying “I couldn’t leave it in the car.” Which has nagged my brain most of the day because I can only wonder with insatiable curiosity why she had it with her in the first place. Since I don’t know her, I may never know the answer to that. But she, and the mystery of the harp, broke my Monday monotony and changed the course of my morning for the better.

I wish you all some rare moment that breaks your routine and gives you a moment of unexpected happiness.

Keith Urban has a song out that says ‘I learned everything from John Cougar, John Deere and John 3:16’. I like the song a lot, but it made me think of the other John’s who have had a hand in shaping our world. It’s always been a popular name, but more importantly, I think we automatically associate it with familiar faces, legends and legacies, and have just come expect more from the men of this moniker.

This is by no means an all-inclusive list, or even an exhaustive one, just the ones that came to mind immediately when thinking of the name ‘John’, (other than my son Jonathan and my uncle John).

It’s almost my birthday. For the last several years I’ve actually downplayed this date – not wanting any fuss and trying desperately to forget I had wasted another year of my life. This birthday is different. This year I have a full weekend’s worth plans with friends and I am almost giddy over people making a fuss to celebrate ME. Why? What’s changed so much? For starters, I’m getting a year back.

Oh what’s this? Did I find a time machine? Ha – no such luck. Instead I found out I’m just bad at simple addition. You see I’m 45 – what I have long considered to be the midpoint in life. I viewed the entire year as teetering on the pinnacle edge before spilling over into the latter half of my unremarkable lifespan. From here on it’s the proverbial downhill slide.

Then my lovely mother reminded me that I’m only 44.

Do you know that this means?!?! DO-OVER!!! One of those rare cosmic twists where I get a second chance. Ok, so it’s a second chance to be something I wasn’t really in the first place. Except that I truly thought I was, and therefore it has been my reality. But since I’ve already spent nearly twelve months fretting over what I have/haven’t/should’ve/might’ve/wish-I-hadn’t done, I don’t have to do it again.

It’s incredibly liberating!

I actually get some time to enjoy balancing on this precarious edge (it’s a Libra trait). In these last few days of ol’ 44, I can take an appreciative look back and see that I’ve actually accomplished quite a bit, and started a lot more, and dreamt of even more. This lets me look ahead with greater optimism and decide which of those plans and projects to finish, which are best laid to rest, and give myself permission to accept new and braver challenges. After all, I’m only going to be 45! With technology and a healthy stubborn streak, that means I’m actually not at the halfway point yet. I can revisit this conversation for several years to come. Unless of course I skew the numbers again and lose another year or two somewhere, then I may just start randomly drawing numbers out of a hat -a brightly decorated, super glittery, birthday hat!

I often hear people complain about the commercialism of Christmas. I think I’m more concerned with the illegitimate offspring of commercialism and instant gratification; ungratefulness.

In this time of joy and well wishes, people are demonstrably at their worse. Any Black Friday sale will show you that. We need bigger tvs, newer gadgets, the hottest toy, and that last scarf that we know no one will like – but it’s the last one!

We fret over what to get the kids/the Boss/Uncle Ernie that smells funny. What did we get them last year? What do they need/like/want/hate? We have anxiety attacks because we wait until week #49 to put any thought into the way we want to express our heartfelt notions to family and friends. Or worse yet, we have a bunch of unnecessary stuff from the Black Friday sales and no idea who it goes to. (Does Aunt Lisa really need a blender?) You’ve run up credit card debt and your blood pressure, and for what?

Now of course this isn’t the only predicament. I bet when you opened a gift (or two) this year you were touched by the sincere warmth the giver invested, the clever thoughtfulness that said they were thinking of you when they purchased that particular gift. (Was that too much sarcasm?) Chances are you smiled and thanked them, then either looked for a gift receipt or started pondering who you could re-gift the item to.

Of course it is possible you have the opposite problem. You did actually spend some time fretting over your choice, thinking specifically of the recipient, then went above and beyond in your quest for perfection. You waited on gleeful pins and needles for the unveiling and…(drumroll)…”mmm, thanks, what’s next?” Excuse me? I hunted for that! I had to do research, fight off other buyers, drive two hours out of the way, and then hide it for three months! BE GRATEFUL DAMMIT!!!

Either way, the question is the same…why bother? Why put ourselves through the torment? Why go through the financial struggle and weeks of anxiety? Why do we feel guilty about buying presents for people we don’t even like? Why go insane buying gifts to symbolize how close we are to family and friends? Either you are or you aren’t. A new coffee maker or iPad isn’t going to change the actions of the other eleven months.

“But what about the kids?” Uhm, what about them? If you want to bring Santa into this, then you have to ask, were they really good this year? Or just passably tolerable since Thanksgiving? And taking them to see the big man and mete out their list of demands is just setting YOU up for failure and adding to the growing problem of ingratitude. Do you really need so much stress over a bunch of stuff your kids won’t care about in a day? (A week tops). Save the money and headache, then do something as a family that will make memories and doesn’t require batteries.

Ok, I should take a moment out of this rant to clarify that I’m not opposed to gift giving, and I’m definitely not anti-Christmas. But after this particular season I just feel that the expressions of joy, faith, and kindness are lost in our world of instant-gratification. Holidays are supposed to be for sharing precious time with loved ones, not making ourselves ill over missing the 5 am door-buster sale. If they love you January to November, why would they stop if you didn’t offer them a gift? And if you feel compelled to give one, why does it have to be extravagant? When did simple and heart-felt become a sign of disrespect? (For instance, someone gave me a magazine subscription this year. Not extravagant, but I love it! It’s like a reminder every month that this person truly knows me.)

If you experienced ungratefulness this year, I hope you will rethink your plans for next year. Maybe we should warn family and friends ahead of time not to expect much, or anything. Maybe in August we start planning a family adventure in lieu of gifts. Maybe your large family sets spending limits or number-of-gift limits. Maybe we make charitable donations in honor of family members and send them a card telling them what a difference “they” made. We could tell co-workers and friends to make a donation to a cause we believe in. Or maybe we just offer small tokens of handmade love that say “This was made by me, just for you. Love it or else.”

I don’t think we can cure ungratefulness in one holiday season, but we have eleven months to get the process rolling. Hopefully with time, patience (mostly with ourselves), and a gradual cutting back on both our stress levels and expectations, we might get to that point where gifts, both given and received, are once again true reflections of Christmas and of what we mean to each other.

There was a 90-car pileup on the freeway because of zombies, so we detoured through flooded streets, then a plague of locusts descended, and some jerk in the garage scratched my car with his axe and made me spill radioactive coffee on my new pants…

Well duh – Its Friday the 13th!

Honestly I’m so blazing sick of hearing the exaggerations that go with that excuse today! Things go wrong everyday – why does it matter what the date is on the calendar? Yes, Jason terrorized a bunch of bad actors over and over again because they didn’t have the sense to get out of the way. But that doesn’t mean everything that happens today is due to the convergence of day and numbers that make up Friday the 13th.

Some guy ran a red light and hit you – because that was ONLY going to happen on Friday the 13th? You spilled coffee on your new slacks – yep that could never happen on any other day. You got a disconnection notice in the mail, a flat tire, and a call from your kid’s teacher – which could only mean its Friday the 13th – not that you forgot to pay a bill, or check the tires, or help the kids with homework. Nope – bad stuff today can ONLY happen because of the date and its dark, foreboding, connotations.

We now expect today to be a worse than most. Its an unlucky day. Its don’t-sell-axes-to-weirdos day. Its anything-that-can-go-wrong-will day. Er…no. It’s just Friday – a day we’ve been looking forward to all week as the end of the 8-5 grind and the ushering in of a much needed weekend. No bosses, no meetings, no rush-hours. Just sleeping late, baseball, shopping, football, and other assorted frivolous activities.

Please people, for the protection of black cats everywhere, stop attracting more negative juju with all the expectations of badness. Set your triskaidekaphobia aside! Its Friday! Embrace it! Love it! And maybe if you miss the ladders, toss the salt, avoid sidewalk cracks, and Jason doesn’t find you, you’ll be lucky enough to make it all the way to Friday the 20th! (yeah..no fear there huh?)