9 Fraternity Hazards That Might Ruin Your Life This Coming School Year

Being involved with a social hub rife with strangers and debauchery can lead to interesting circumstances. Come 2017-2018, please be aware of the various hazards relevant to your unique and privileged status in Greek life so that you may have fun safely and live another day.

Alcohol

Consuming insufficient amounts of alcohol can lead to a life-threatening condition called delirium tremens, which induces flu-like symptoms, anxiety, seizures, and sometimes death. Make sure to keep your fridge stocked. Also, remember to stay hydrated and take your B vitamins.

Freshman Girls

Having freshmen at your parties opens up risk, as they don’t know jack shit about anything. Freshmen girls are especially unpredictable, and sometimes their nubility and newfound sexual freedom might tempt your fiery loins. Allow a probationary period of a couple months so that you don’t feel like you just banged a high school girl.

Tiki Torches

While a long-standing staple at tropical-themed parties, tiki torches are beginning to be associated with Nazis. A previous report of mine also highlights the uniquely combustible properties of its lighting fluid, even in contact with water and ice. Omit them from your item list this coming year.

Goats

These creatures are of the ruminant family and are very common in the contiguous United States. They are also rentable for parties.

Do not rent a goat. Much like pledges, they spook easily, can’t hold their liquor, and shit everywhere.

Vegetarianism

Yes, I know this is common wisdom, but it never hurts to highlight the harmful effects of associating with vegetarians. Their gluten-free and paleo allies should also be avoided, as they will inevitably bring up what they eat in conversations and totally kill the vibe with their holier-than-thou attitudes.

Education

Do not let education get in the way of fraternity life. Your fraternity literature mistakenly places scholarship as a priority in your life when all it does is encourage celibacy and use your precious brain power for things other than hooking up and getting booze. Sad!

Nationals

This ever-looming threat and buzzkill might choose to pop in unexpectedly and pretend to disapprove of your fraternity hijinks as a means of saving face. Encourage your brothers to keep blazers and ties at the ready so that you may put on the best face possible at a moment’s notice.

Babies

Don’t rawdog it. Babies are Satan incarnate. Also, abortions, especially with girls you don’t know too well, are awkward. Some females may choose to keep the child, which makes you a father and consequently ends your life.

Man Buns

Not only are they out of style, but you might get punched in the face for looking like an asshole. Anything, be it a tuft or full-fledged portobello of hair atop the head, should be removed. If any of your brothers still have a man bun, apply physical restraint and utilize garden shears as necessary..