Falling for your obstetrician.

Let me paint you a picture. A rotund man who insists on wearing a bowtie and a wide smile with slightly yellowed teeth. Not a man you’d secrete sex pheromones over, that’s certain. Over time you develop a fondness for the man, which you can’t quite pinpoint. You feel comfortable in his presence, reassured by his knowledge and care; you trust his experience and expertise. You start thinking about this man more often than seems normal. He sidles his way into your dreams and daily thoughts.

You start seeing him more often – monthly visits become fortnightly, then weekly. The attachment deepens. Is it mutual or are you imagining it? You are married for Pete’s Sake, and about to have a baby! Pull yourself together, crazy pregnant woman.

He nurtures you through some incredibly vulnerable moments, sees you in your rawest state. He navigates places only your partner has dared. Then, he delivers a healthy baby for you. You are in love! But this time, it is with the tiny being he places on your chest.

He is your obstetrician. Sorry to burst your bubble.

I had a variety of medical carers throughout my four pregnancies but the overseeing Obstetric GP, also my family GP, was a man I adored. He bears no resemblance to Bradley Cooper, Orlando Bloom, or Johnny Depp but his endearing kindness and proficient medical care certainly cemented my affection.

To assure myself I was not 50 shades of freak, I put the question to my friends about whether they too, had fallen for their obstetrician or doctor. The initial replies were not too reassuring:

“Eewwwwwh!!”

“Sorry, can't help you there. And if you had seen my middle-aged porky and gay obstetrician you would understand. Fantastic obstetrician though!”

Some had predominantly female obstetricians so didn’t develop a crush, others thought the idea was preposterous confirming my initial concerns that I was indeed freakish.

Just as I was about to give up on the idea, I was told stories of “Vaginal Lionel” – an apparently well-known obstetrician who supports vaginal delivery. This particular friend told me she was one of many women who adored him. She admitted that during her long and arduous labour she was calling out “Lionel, Lionel” whilst staring down her poor husband (whose name funnily enough, is not Lionel!).

Another friend relayed a story of a great grandmother who named her firstborn son after the delivering obstetrician. Does it indicate a fondness for her caregiver when his name was used in place of the husband’s?

Finally, I was reassured by a woman who was in love with her obstetrician “not in a sexual way” but when he walked into the delivery room during her first labour she had stars in her eyes: “the incredible trust and safety I felt when he was present made me feel everything was going to be OK.”

Displaced feelings for specialists in caring roles, often referred to as “transference” in the psychology world, is more common than you may think. When I say common, I mean I’ve heard a couple of stories to help ease my concern about being weird. I cannot find any data or statistics to support this claim, despite spending hours trawling the net reading about random women who have fallen for their doctors.

Does this small sample suggest we are lone riders in the loving your obstetrician game? Have you fallen for an obstetrician / fertility specialist / doctor?

I adore my Ob. I also became close to the Midwife, Anaesthetist and Paed who were there when my son died.

All 4 were there for my daughters birth which was only a year later and I do feel a bond with them. It was an emotional day and there was lots of tears and joy from all of us, I could tell they were personally affected by it. They are wonderful people and guided me through an intensely hard time. Wonderful, wonderful caregivers. I feel very lucky and they have my complete trust.

Fortunately for me my Ob is not old and is actually quite attractive so I had that plus too

Kylie unfortunately I'm reminded of an episode of Family Guy the parodies feminine hygiene commercials. Meg asks her mother "Mum, do you ever feel not so fresh...down there." Her mum pauses and responds "No. Never. And I don't know anyone who ever has."

You paint a nice picture though. I can see how immense trust could lead to fond attachment. And I'm pretty fond of my obstetrician but it ends there. Maybe it's just that my pregnancies have been so humdrum routine that we've not been through the wringer together. He didn't even make it in time to birth my second child - it all went smoothly and unexpectedly fast at the end.

when he walked into the delivery room during her first labour she had stars in her eyes: “the incredible trust and safety I felt when he was present made me feel everything was going to be OK.

This totally resonates with me. I had such great anxieties that he would be on leave bc bub was overdue, I begged him to induce me immediately. He said, no way. I will do what is medically right for you and baby. That made me love him even more! I would get so excited when I was going to see him for my appts, I STILL totally adore him.

I love this article, it rings so true for me, I loved my OB and might have considered having a fourth just to continue our 'association'. He wasn't my type 'IRL' but I used to blush around him.

I think it was because going public with DS1's difficult birth then going to my OB for my two subsequent births, I felt in such good hands that I was grateful all the way into a teenage-girl-type crush.

My OB was so popular among women that I discovered a facebook group page dedicated to him called "My baby was delivered by Dr 'insert his name here'. Kind of stalkerish but amusing to read.He was early 40s definitely not rotund nor did he have yellowing teeth, quite the opposite I once heard a small group of midwives outside my room swooning over him after he had completed post natal checks & finished his shift. So funny.He had a beautiful, caring manner and almost had you believing you were the only pregnant woman in the world. I didn't 'fall' for him but had great trust in him and certainly felt safe. Pregnancy & birth are part of an incredible journey and since OBs are involved to some extent I can understand how some woman would confuse their feelings.

Not my OB (who was more of a rotund avuncular type of chap) but definitely my anaesthetist .....very swoon worthy, he looked like Gregory peck (in his younger years)....I remember 5 yrs after having DS1 I was booking my pre c section interview and my OBs receptionist mentioned a different anaesthetist ....I asked her what happened to Dr X, she told me my OB now worked with a different guy and if I wanted Dr X I would have to specifically ask for him...she then said "a lot of women do" with a knowing look! Seems he was quite popular with the ladies....

I opened this thread sure it would be about MY obstetrician. He is not my type at all, but when googling him before meeting him (as you do) there were a number of gushing threads about how handsome he was.

So, Melbourne, just under 40 I reckon, dark, yes handsome, just not my type as I say, who knows who he is?

Well I didn't think I had, but I was well and truly outed when I rang the delivery room when my waters had broken and I needed to be admitted. She asked for my name, and I said Mrs <Obstetrician's surname>.

For the record, he wasn't unattractive and was about my age. I think we could have got along really well socially (he has daughters just a little older than mine) but I stoically maintain I have never been interested in him in any way other than completely platonic. Apart from, you know, the little faux pas above.

There may be a Maserati involved my husband tells me (that's what name labelled car spaces in the carpark tells you anyway).

Honestly, I had the easiest twin pregnancy I have ever heard of, and all he did was take my BP and measure my fundal height (is that the correct terminology) for the duration of my pregnancy. The balance of every appointment was he and DH comparing cycling routes, bikes, gear and Tour de France coverage. I kid you not, they got on like a house on fire!

Well, I guess you've shared a life-altering (for you) experience, so emotional transference is not that surprising. I remember feeling a strong bond with my two main midwife (one who saw me through three pregnancies but couldn't be at the third birth, something we both expressed great disappointment at, and then my home birth midwife who was so much like my mother it wasn't funny!). Sort of the same thing, but without the crush element.

Meanwhile, have been in the awesome presence of 'Vaginal Lionel', I get why so many women worship the very ground he walks on - he is so down-to-earth-about-birth!

That must be why my ob's wife works as his midwife in his practice... to keep an eye on him and all those ladies! A guy who listens, takes your concerns seriously and tries to come up with ways to make you feel better in pregnancy... what's not to love?

My ob was a woman, so the emotions played out a bit differently. But I did attach to her emotionally. I remember at the 6 week check post birth, feeling really upset that it was the last time I would see her, and I'm still (nearly a year on!) aware of every time I pass her rooms, and have the impulse to do totally inappropriate things like drop in so she can see how DD and I are going.

It's weird, but I guess you're so vulnerable with them, attaching would be a defence mechanism to cope!

Not my ob, who was a bit of an ass, but I did fall for a specialist who did 'save' me. Totally inapropriate and would never go there but it did make me on time for all my appointments and I actually looked forward to them. He was a great doctor (we moved so I no longer see him), he listened to concerns and apologised for previous poor care from my other doctors (actually called it a travesty that I went undiagnosed as long as I did). My husband saw a colleague of his for something different and also received friendly, excellent care. We were very impressed with the doctors we came across - impressed for the first time in my life. It redeemed the entire profession. I'd had awful experiences prior.

Well I didn't think I had, but I was well and truly outed when I rang the delivery room when my waters had broken and I needed to be admitted. She asked for my name, and I said Mrs <Obstetrician's surname>.

I think knowing them and what they do from the other side of the fence is completely different from the perspective of a patient with her Dr.

I had a private OB myself who looked after me and my 3 pregnancies and as much as I am fond of him I've never felt lovey dovey towards him. I continue to work with him at present and see him often but it's purely professional and casual.

I know of a fertility specialist/OB who got one of his IVF patients pregnant though - double ewwww !! .

In spite of being in an almost constant state of motion while looking after the kids and trying to keep things together at home, it can seem as though parents have managed to get nothing on the to-do list done by the end of the day.

A French court may have ruled out Nutella as a baby name, but that doesn't have to stop you from taking inspiration from the supermarket (or bottle shop). See what parents in the US have chosen for their delicious little ones.