I grab the Mossberg, turn off the upstairs lights and if possible put my cat in the bedroom and close the door. Then I creep to the stairs that give me line of sight to the front door and see what's going on - if I don't see anyone in a minute or two I call 911 then head down the stairs and give it a closer look. If I do see someone I strobe-light them and tell them they have 5 seconds to get the **** out.

There was this one time when I was living with a mate when something like this actually happened. I lived with my best mate at a house that was known as both a weekend party spot and a basically 7am-11pm drug distribution location. To put it in as nice and respectable a way as possible. At one stage we didn't even lock the doors during the day because we had people that operated their "business" from it who would arrive in the morning as I was leaving for work.

One particular night, late, probably 2 or 3am, there was an almighty smash at the front door. Both my bedroom door and my mates bedroom door opened to the hallway to the front door. At pretty much the exact same moment we burst out of our respective rooms, steeled for a fight. Due to the "business" being practiced at the house, we were always on our guard because it's not like we could call the police for assistance.

Once we realised there was no threat, I began laughing heartily. There we were in the hallway, me and my mate, ready for a fight with potential stand over men, in our boxers. We were either so confident that we could take on anyone, or simply so stupid that we thought we could take on anyone, with no weapons in our underwear. Back then I thought I was a bad arse ************, but looking back I will conclude it was the latter.

And the almighty smash? We opened the front door to find nothing, darkness. Just as I started closing the door I heard a whimper, like a wounded dog. On our doorstep was a young girl who had partied at our house a few times, her boyfriend was a loser stoner who had apparently beat her and our house "was the only place she felt safe". My mate, the altruistic **** that he is, took her to his room and fucked the **** out of her. She turned out to be a crazy lying bitch, but that's another story.