Of the people. For the people. By the people.

Pressers

It’s been a fairly long time since we published the pressers. Some of them should have been published much earlier but it escaped my memory. But without further ado, here we go.

Interview by Alan Brazil with MJ6987 (manager of Atalanta)
Alan: Mor-ning!!!! Well, MJ, you’ve had an absolute baptism of fire in your first season in Serie A haven’t you pal?

MJ: Yeah, you could say that! When the fixtures came out I saw that I had two of the big names in the first 3 weeks – starting with Forca’s Lazio outfit and a clash with Milanista’s AC Milan in GW3, with a match against the lower profile Grounderz (Cagliari) sandwiched inbetween.

Alan: Aye, so you must be quite pleased with your start eh?

MJ: Yes, well, I was quite confident going into week one despite tough opposition, but I came up against a Forca Inter team in rampant form – my score of 75 was decent enough but braces from Petric and Michu pretty much put paid to any hopes I had of a debut victory as Forca powered his way to 93 points. I shifted through the gears in week two and over-powered relative newcomer Grounderz 79-44 despite taking a 4 point hit – although it was just a relief to get off the mark. I then continued this momentum into week 3 with a real morale boosting victory against an uncharacteristically off-form Milanista (71-58) which means that I am currently lying 4th in Serie A.

Alan: And, after some respite with the international breaks, you are straight back into the big games with another great match up against Mark (Palermo)…although from what I’ve heard on that podcast, he can be an absolute numpty, a bit of a tube sometimes?

MJ: Err, no, I think you’re thinking of his co-host maybe? Anyway, yeah, Mark was one of the “dangermen” that I picked out pre-season – I mean, his record speaks for itself with an incredible five top 5k finishes including two inside the top 500! And, although he hasn’t had the best of starts, you know with managers like that its only a matter of time before they start performing – I can only hope that it is not quite yet!

Alan: Aye, Mark’ll be getting absolute pelters from Granddad if he loses to yourself as a relative newcomer to the game?

MJ: I think its “Granville” but, although I’ve been under the radar, I’ve done OK to date…a 15k finish in my debut season, followed my my biggest achievement to date, a top 500 finish and then a more modest top 10k last year, but, no, nothing compared to what Mark has achieved so its going to be a very tough game – good luck to Mark

The search is over! AC Siena club president Massimo Mezzaroma has announced that the long awaited appointment has finally being confirmed. The new manager is Running Riot, an utterly unexpected and bizarre choice. Little is known about the new man, other than that he resides up north in Ireland, and that he has strong credentials in “FPL”. A shady character he may be, but not for much longer. Coming to you live, the unveiling of Siena’s new manager: Mr Running Riot!

Interviewer: Hello, and welc-

RR – That’s Sir Riot of Running to you, you incompetent clown on the megaphone. I didn’t get this top hat and monocle for nothing, you know!

Interviewer – *visibly shaken* Yes, Mr….Sir Riot. Moving on, it’s a great honour to be managing this prestigious club. Can you sum up what this means to you, and why you think you’re the best man for the job?

RR – “Prestigious”? I wouldn’t go that far. They finished seventeenth last year, for crying out loud. And second in Serie B the year before. They’re the bloody Wigan of Italy.

Crowd – What is Wigin?

Interviewer – Erm…yes. Continuing on, why do you think you’re the best man to lead Siena forward?

RR – You already asked that.

Interviewer – You didn’t answer. You just went on about Wigan.

RR – Oh yes. Well, two years ago in FPL I finished 17 thousandth. And barely 17k. It was practically 16k, I’ll have you know. And last year, even with a spate of injuries and incompetent assistant managers, I managed a very respectable 99k rank. Five figures, that’s all that matters in rank. Oh, and I was about 200th in the Euros! Would have been top 50 if I’d captained Alba but hey, you can’t win them all. Although I’m doing pretty well in that respect.

Interviewer – Indeed…fine qualifications, no doubt. And modesty galore. Here’s a question many viewers will be asking: What is FPL?

RR – Next question.

Interviewer – But –

RR – I’m qualified, alright! Next question.

Interviewer – What made you choose Siena, over the many great clubs no doubt vying for your signature?

RR – Well, China Mag stole my dreams by taking Newcastle *broods to himself for several seconds*. But I really just pointed my finger at the screen, closed my eyes and poked at any random name. The same method FPL used to do the baps by, for puzzled viewers. And the opportunity for puns is certainly present, so I’ll be taking advantage of that, definitely.

Interviewer – What have Messers Massimo and Valentina Mezzorama, the chairman and co-chairman, told you about the league and your competitors?

RR – They have the same name? Wonderful. As for the league, it looks extremely strong. When you have managers like Isacki, Forca, pratik, Mark, Littlewizard13, Milanista and god knows how many other ridiculously talented folk, it’s always going to be difficult. But I think the team has one advantage not many others have. Nobody expects us to do anything, or compete for the big prizes. So we’ll be using that to our advantage, and hopefully not get relegated! I understand it’s a bit of a habit here, so I know I won’t get sacked or anything, but I have my own pride to think about.

Interviewer – Just a tiny bit disrespectful, don’t you think?

RR – It’s been a long day, and this press conference isn’t far behind it.

Interviewer – …-Sir Riot for his time, goodbye. Hopefully you all enjoyed Mr Riot’s *shouts heard in the distance* company as much as I did. That can’t be hard. This is Sersei Cosmi reporting for Italia News, and I’ve been speaking to the idiot they’ve hired to replace me. Thanks for joining us.

*RR runs back out*

RR – I almost forgot. Siena next time!

Crowd – Groan.

SHIPSTONTREV – BREST IS BEST!

The supporters of SC Brest are now officially “au-dessus de la lune” after the team’s early lead in Ligue 1, due in no small way to the bold move of the Breton club’s directors to take on an English manager in AFC Bournemouth fan Shipstontrev. They were obviously aware of his FPL record over the last 6 seasons, although they were probably more aware that he needed the money so would be cheap.

Speaking to assembled members of the media (the sports reporter for “Le Journal du Finistere” and his dog ( a real newshound there!)), Shipstontrev thanked his new bosses for their bravery in employing a “rosbif” ahead of several French coaches.

“I am honoured to be asked to stroke the Brest team”, he said. ” I know there were a few knockers when my appointment was announced, with comments like “pull the udder one”, but I hope the two wins achieved so far, at home to Evian and away to Saint Etienne, show I will be doing my brest to put this club up front in the league. I hope things will continue, particularly when the weather turns colder and there is a nip in the air. I will work all the hours I can and do my utmost to ensure that things do not go tits up.”

Shipstontrev asked for patience, saying there was a long way to go, that the league was a Marathon not a Sprint. Unfortunately this last comment confused the reporter from the Journal du Finistere, as he was under the impression that Marathon was a chocolate bar, so this was lost in translation. C’est la vie!