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03. March 2017

Rand Paul Is Excommunicated from the Republican Faith

WASHINGTON — As Burgess Everett reported in yesterday’s Politico, Sen. Rand Paul (TP-Kentucky) pulled a publicly stunt yesterday by walking from the Senate side of the Capitol to a
secret room near the offices of GOP leaders in the House. He brought a gaggle of reporters with him, saying that he wanted to see a locked-up draft of House Republicans’ plan to repeal and
replace the Affordable Care Act.

Paul, the son of former Libertarian and Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, is an ophthalmologist who ran for president in 2016 against the badass bully from Manhattan. He has no
political vision despite his having been an eye doctor.

It turned out that the secret draft of the GOP plan wasn’t even there, as Paul whined in front of the cameras that the draft should be available to anybody.

When RNC Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel found out about Paul’s stunt, she immediately called Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. Associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman was with McDaniel as
she made the call.

“Mr. Leader,” McDaniel began.

“Yes, young lady?”

“I recommend that we call your junior colleague on the carpet for embarrassing us.”

“Have one of your operatives grab him by the scruff of the neck and bring him to my office right away.”

Once in McConnell’s office, McConnell, with his lip quivering, told Paul to stand at attention without offering him any of his best Kentucky bourbon. Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas), McConnell’s
deputy in the Senate, was with McConnell and McDaniel.

“Son,” McConnell said, "what have you got to say for yourself?”

“Sir, I just wanted to see what our colleagues in the House are planning to do to Obamacare.”

“The Speaker and I are in the process of working that out. We will have that figured out by sometime in April, when we will show it to you the day we vote on it. Your little stunt today is
totally inexcusable. I will not tolerate such outrageous challenges to my authority.”

“The Republican faith requires total obedience to its leaders. Senator Cornyn and I have decided that you do not belong in our Party. You are to walk back to Bowling Green and change your party
affiliation to Libertarian. And don’t come back.”

“Whatever you say, Sir.”

As Paul left McConnell’s office with a smile on his face, McConnell, Cornyn, and McDaniel exchanged high-fives.