Thursday, March 25, 2004

I had a dream last night. You were in intensive care. I said to Mom that we should just take you home. I said that it was obvious that you were not going to live. I said that I didn't want them to poke you any more or put any more lines in you. I said that it would be good to get a clown to come over.

When I told this to Mom this morning she pointed out that it is a change from the way I used to think when you were alive. I never would think or admit to myself that you would die. A lot of people struggle with a balance between "quality of life" and trying to get people to live longer by poking them a lot and giving them a lot of medicine. I used to think that if we just "toughed" it out for a while everything would work out. Your quality of life was good even while we struggled to have you live longer.

Mom told me that she is especially sad right now. Last weekend she told me that she was thinking back to those times that you would insist on going with her when she would go out for a run. The two of you would jog around the block or through the alley. Then you'd come in and rest and she'd go for a longer run. You had a lot of spirit. More than that, you had a lot of love for your mommy. She misses you so much.

Tonight Mom has to travel for work and I am worried that her sadness will be worse away from us. That happens to me. It is Mom's birthday in 10 days. I know that is a rough time, too. We'll be good to her.

Lately, I have really wanted to come out to the cemetery. I think not writing makes me feel even more disconnected from you.