I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer in December 2005. I spent 2006 getting surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy. In August 2007, my cancer came back. In February 2008, I learned the cancer had spread to my brain, liver, lungs, and bones. I live in Singapore with my husband Tony, daughter Josie (born Feb. 2003), and son Toby (born July 2005). Thanks to all of you who are still reading and commenting on my blog.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Sorry for the Radio Silence

Sorry for the lack of posts. All is ok, just short of time. I've started working full time again, and i've been working hard to make sure to get back in time to put the kids to bed. The past 2 weeks were stressful due to an MAS exam that I had to pass and a presentation I had to prepare. On top of that I just happen to be loaded up with a bunch of complications (tax problems, Estate issues - dealing with frozen accounts, leaking problems, trying to refinance, closing accounts). Tedious stuff but it feels like my "to do" list is growing faster than I can clear items.

Lots of people have blogs, but few enjoy the readership Shin had built up. I felt that I was loaded with things to talk about and could continue her blog for a while. It was a great opportunity, I don't think I could ever build a following like Shin had. Nevertheless, I guess I've been too stretched.

I haven't completely given up, but I realize it will probably take at least another week before I have more time to write, and I guess its clear that the idea of keeping it going daily seems less feasible.

This isn't goodbye, but it does seem appropriate to thank everyone for their kindness and support.

The kids continue to be amazing. They seem happy and able to talk about Shin without sadness. Having the kids do well makes it much easier for me. I do find that I continue to get "waves" of feelings that can kind of overwhelm me from time to time. Today, Josie got a certificate for doing well in school, my mother called me at work so that Josie could tell me. At times like that I get this strong feeling of what Shin is missing out on. I'm getting Shin's hp# cancelled. Yesterday I saw her name and number in my phone and I got kind of stuck. Feeling that that practically I suppose I should delete. But it feels like such an awful thing to do.

Anyway, we are all fine really, but still dealing with the feelings of loss as I guess we will for a while.

64 comments:

Tony,Don't stop writing on this blog, no matter how infrequent - please don't close this blog. I check out here every morning when I log in to my PC. Just hearing and knowing you all are getting on well fills me with so much warmth and spirit. Having read and followed Shin's journey somehow made me feel like you guys are a part of someone I know, tho' I am 'faceless' to you. I admire Shin very much, her courage and determination. Besides Shin, you are actually the most courageous, picking up from where Shin left and continuing life as best as you can for the children. I sense your loss and pain, tho' I will not know the intensity. Keep strong and I will always remember to say a prayer for you, Josie, Toby, and your wonderful mom!

The sadness of Shin's parting finds me belatedly. I am an old friend of Shin's from the days when she worked in New York City and taught children in New Jersey. I lost touch with her when she moved "East." Over the years, I have periodically searched her name on the web, confident that a person of Shin's brillance could not hide from the world for too long. It seemed the only Shin Na I could ever find was Hyo Shin Na, a Korean musician, until today. While my searches turned up empty I was confident and hopeful her attention had turned to a family of her own. And how great it is to see that it is so. Two beautiful children. Congratulations to you. She lives on, for sure. I only wish I could've seen the courage with which, I can imagine, she used to confront her illness. Shin is a rare person, indeed...the infectious smile, the quick wit, the devastating intellect. I always felt so humbled by her and, at the same time, lucky to have a friend like her. Great people leave great voids until we realize the great ones never really leave us at all, that's what makes them so. Sincerely, Bill Devin.

Good to read you. I did think to myself - ok, maybe it's over, but I'm glad you seem to be deciding to continue to blog, even if it won't be every day. A friend of mine lost her husband and it took her one year before she was able to delete the number from her phone. You can't rush these things. It's good to know the kids continue to be the amazing children they are and that, despite the very natural feelings of loss, you are all doing well. It's what we all would wish. Be well.

Don't worry, take your time to blog. I am sure the kids can cope well. You should take good care of yourself instead. Do find time for yourself. The healing process will take years. However, I am sure you can make it. All the way, Tony!

Glad to know that Josie and Toby are doing well. I can understand how you feel and think of Shin at certain point in time. That's natural and I am really "glad" that you feel that way because that shows that Shin is still in your heart. :)

It took me very long time before I "face" or look at things related to my deceased loved one, hp no., even sms, etc, are also...even the bills,documents which bear her name also "strike" and make me feel sad even a yr later...now many yrs pass and will still think of her...

I can understand your stress and do take your time and glad that you still make it a point to have time for the kids..QUALITY time! :)

Never give up and here is the place for you to "let out" and many of us are still concern. Don't worry and cheers! :)

Hi.. It's great to hear that you all are ok.. I knew about Shin from the TV programme in Singapore.. She was a very strong patient.. I will be working as a nurse soon and hopefully specialise in Oncology areas.. I hope you will continue to blog in Shin's blog. God bless..

Glad to have you back on Shin blog again! Well, you dun have to write daily to keep us update since you are occupied with ur work now. Everything should be back to normal for you and I believe you have got alot of responsibities to shoulder now. Juz update us when U are available. And I believe the rest would understand too. Anyway, all the best to you!

Hi Tony,Good to hear about you and the kids again. Do take your time to establish a new "routine" - I am sure all who have followed this blog will understand if you have not been able to blog as avidly as before.

I know what you mean about seeing Shin's hp number and name on your phone. I have not been able to bring myself to delete it from my contact list yet either. God bless, and hugs for Josie and Toby.Foong Ming

hi tony, i've been a silent reader of Shin's blog for a while and this the 1st time I am commenting. 1st of all, thank you for still coming in to write cuz there are still ppl like me out here eager to know how the kids are coping. It's really good to hear that they are doing well and I am sure you are not having an easy time juggling with work and kids and your own personal issues. But it seems you are doing great for the kids so far.

I hope you will continue to write not for the sake of maintaining Shin's "followship" but more for the sake of the kids. When one day they are old enough to understand, you can show them this blog (which is one of the reasons why Shin started writing, right?) so they can get to know their mom again and also, get to know you through what you went through after losing Shin. I am sure the kids will really appreciate that when they eventually read this.

I do check now and then to see if you've written. Of course you are busy and those intense waves of feelings are a normal part of this journey. Don't hurry to remove Shin's name anywhere unless you feel ready. You'll know, just because you know. Deal with most events with this philosophy. You will stay responsible within your pain. Trust yourself that you will do what is right. Shin is always there. She even wrote about not being with you all when these growing events happen. With that she also said she is there in spirit and does observe.

Those waves of feelings you have are most normal and important. Do not deny their presence and let yourself feel as you need to. After awhile they will be spaced further apart and that will be because you have let them happen as need be. There is a reason for that year of "mourning." The seasons need to take on new meaning after you experience the old meaning (with Shin) The start of each new season will bring somewhat intense feelings of sadness, then you go on to make that season good with new memories added.

I've gone on enough. Hope this helps you to know that whatever you feel is normal. Just allow them to be.

Take care Tony, I too like to check up on you and your family see how your all doing.It all takes time and I loved the writer who mentioned about the seasons, makes sense.Little steps my friend, just know that there are still people out here that care for you all.

Shin has always been an inspiration to me and she is always in my thoughts. Whenever I read Shin's blog, I always take something with me - mostly love, love between Shin and you, Shin and the kids, and especially in days when I am feeling down and discouraged as a wife and a mother, Shin is always there to remind me to decide to love and live my life fully.

I am not sure if you remember me - when I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007, Shin gave me her support and we met at your place for lunch. I am sure Shin had done this for many ladies and the simple gestures from Shin made such a difference.

Tony, as I read your latest sharing, I was wondering if you would be comfortable to share some of the photos which Shin has with Josie and Toby, and I would like to create a scrapbook of the kids' memories of Shin for the kids to keep. Only if you are comfortable.. just a thought.

Glad to hear from you. Everything takes its own process and time. Like the readers here, my thoughts are with you and Josie and Toby. If ever you find writing here helps you to process thoughts or feelings, then just know you have people here who will read and respond.

thanks for updating this blog despite the pressing tasks at hand. First things first as they say. I "pop in" every once in a while to see how you folks are doing. Glad to read that you are all managing well. Take heart that there are people who care. Shin's been an inspiration to countless many, myself included. Take time to grieve , to feel the "waves" as you mentioned. Will be keeping you , Josie , Toby and their nana in prayers.

I am also one of the many silent reader of Shin's blog and log in frequently to check on the kids now...I was wondering you must have been busy with work now...don't stop writing...regular update when you are not so busy with work.maybe write weekly or twice a month..take care and God Bless.

I had popped by once before here while Shin was still around and was still posting.

The fact that she detailed her experiences and thoughts - so articulately at that - right up to her last moment, was very admirable. As is the fact she donated her body to research.

Because she has shared her personal story in such detail, many people will benefit, not just from knowing what to expect, but more importantly, realising that suffering from a debilitating illness does not mean life crumbles to nothing from that point.

That you (her husband) continue to write here even after her death is equally admirable, and I applaud you. I know that if I personally had lost a loved one it would be exceptionally hard for me keep a rational mind, let alone blog about it.

With your thoughts penned as well, readers now have a more complete picture of what to expect, from both the caregiver, immediate family or loved ones, and patient - from both a medical perspective and emotional one. This blog, I'm sure, will become invaluable in helping others cope when faced with a similar scenario.

The voicing of your side of the story completes Shin's beautiful but tragic saga. Maybe not so tragic, after all, since her single life has collectively inspired so many others, and will continue to for many many years to come.

Hi Tony, I guess you must be pretty busy. I can really understand about your "to-do-list", my mom pass away 23 days ago after 4 years of lung cancer, I am facing a lot of freeze account, it very difficult to close most of her account, I have to run to the banks several times to get it done, and it can really be frustrating. And they keep asking the stupid question on how she die, I mean on her death certificate it already stated, cause of death “Lung Cancer”, I have been sounding like a broken tape recorder for the past couple of days. But I guess we have to do this.

You were also mentioning about deleting Shin number from your hand phone. I still have my mom hp number in mobile, still cannot delete it, I also still have my mom sms that she send to me, I read it when I miss her, sometimes I feel that is the only link that I have of her.

Stay strong. I have been reading your blog and you have done a fantastic job.

Actually your radio silence was not unexpected, as you had mentioned in an earlier posting that you would be going back to work full time this month. Anyway, I hope your exam & presentation went well, and that you are slowly sorting out those issues you mentioned. Your time with Josie & Toby and your own personal time for yourself, is very precious. We will all understand if you need more time between postings, so you need not feel bad or apologetic.

Take care, Tony and take your time...do not let things overwhelm you...

Funny how you felt bad updating Shins blog. I felt equally bad for not checking the blog in the past three weeks so out of the blue today, ignoring deadlines, phone calls, screaming kids, I'm checking the blog. Shin does still pop up in my life as I keep passing by the organic store and keep seeing our mutual fish supplier. Today, I was scrolling through the "S" section of my iPhone and saw two entries listed next to Shin. For a second there I wanted to press it and call, but not sure what I would say if you were on the line. That I missed her too and hope you and the kids are doing great? Then, I didn't know whether to delete the entry or not. In the end, I didn't. I'm not ready yet either. It may just be a phone entry but I still have some promises I made to her I want to keep before I clean my address book. Just as some of the other readers wrote - in your own time.

Although I was out of contact with Shin for a decade, I find myself missing her.

Leave her name and number in your phone, Tony. For now, it belongs there. One day it will feel right, and natural, to remove it. But not now. It's a thread to the past, and it's okay to have them. One day it will also feel okay to remove it.

Just wanted you to know how this blog has been so touching and inspirational to me. I may be just one reader, but I know that there are so many others out there like me who feel the same way. It's so easy to get caught up with things like finding a job, finding Mr Right, etc. but this blog has made me realize how much we should treasure Life. Thank you for all that you and your family have shared.

PS: Please watch the movie Departure if you haven't. It's a very beautiful movie about death.

Hi Tony, Please do not close this blog even you can't continue to write. I am a 'new' cancer patient. I get a lot of surpport and ideas from reading Shin' blog. It is really a good guide for patient like me. I've not got the time to read all the articles yet. Please keep this blog alive. Many thanks.You take care.LK

You are doing great Tony. Thanks for posting but don't ever feel the pressure to when you have so much on your plate. Good to know the kids are doing well and that your mom is beside you. Reach out if you need anything from us. Shin's last SMS to me was so sweet and so simple. A thank you for me for posting a story of a moment shared with her, for the kids' keepsake. I should be the one thanking her for inspiring me with her courage and intelligence. I am keeping this SMS as long as I can as it was my last exchange with her. But I feel your pain. Do what is best for you to manage. Hang in there!

I'd like to share similar story that happened to my niece and nephew. Half a year ago, they lost their mum at the age of 9 and 6. As the death was abrupt and the family did not have any time to prepare, things did not go well. My niece and nephew kept crying for mommy. Things are better now since their granny moves in and gives them care and love. I guess kids deal with loss a lot easier than us adults because they are less attached to their emotions.

I sincerely hope that all will be well for you and your family. Thank you for the post. I have learnt a lot from all the posts.

Its me Jose. Back here to view your blog and has been long time since i came . Went for My major operation to remove the blood clot in my brain last year , manage to recover and stil recovering though . Good Luck to you lots =)

Tony, Shin went to my high school in New Jersey. We were good friends. Her name just showed up in a most unexpected place in our alumni magazine. I had no idea; I'm so sorry about your loss. This blog sent a wave of memories and emotions over me. Her passages among others on religion and making/leaving friends reminded me of what a uniquely clever, sensitive, "skeptical" (as she said), wonderful person she was, always ready with that incredibly wry sense of humor. She is truly missed.

It has over been 15 years since I last saw her; I think we got together once after college. I knew about her move to Singapore -- I think that dates me -- and we had corresponded once by email when it was a new and mysterious system that could link me to this friend who had "left" for the other side of the world.

I have two little ones a bit younger than yours. My heart goes out to you and them and all your family and friends.

Shin and I were classmates in Prep school (Princeton Day School '84). I was shocked to read the most recent alumni publication had listed her name 'in memoriam.' Google brought me to this blog. I never saw or spoke to Shin after graduation but I still recollect her ineluctable kindness. Godspeed

It's May Lee. I think about you, the kids and Shin often, but even more so today because I just found out a college friend just passed away from ovarian cancer at the age of 42. She, too, leaves behind a husband and two young children. Once again this teaches us all about the preciousness of life and the importance of embracing every day just as Shin did.

Hi, I was re-reading some of the blogs again. And wanted to say I am very much grateful to Shin for having this blog and leaving very valuable information behind. My dad is suffering from pancreatic cancer.He had just finished his chemo in Apr. In the weeks that followed, his body was racked with pain. Finally after some persuasion, he got checked into the hospital and his doctors confirmed that his cancer had spread. We were shocked, we hadn't anticipated the cancer spreading so soon. Which is why I am re reading Shin's blog again. I am no longer that afraid and it is giving me clearer ideas as how to deal with it and also to deal with my Dad's deoteriating health. So thanks Shin. Wherever U might be.And also to Ublog Tony for not shutting this

Tony, and still you bring tears to my eyes and occasional one drips down my face. I know Shin is safe and "well" and in a place she thought did not exist. You continue to be so thoughtful, full of grace and sensitive. I love the music (in May) on the blog. It is BEAUTIFUL as are the pictures. I think the song is you and you will find your way. Just continue to be the loving, caring person who is Tony. God Bless you!

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About Me

I was born in South Korea in 1966. My family immigrated to the U.S. when I was eight years old (I'm now a U.S. citizen). We lived in Nashville, Tennessee and New Jersey. I went to college in New York City, worked as a schoolteacher in Indiana and Philadelphia, and as a legal assistant in New York. I worked as a reporter in Seoul, South Korea and as a TV news producer and Internet news editor in Singapore. I've lived in Korea, U.S., France, and Singapore. My favorite travels have been to Peru, Belize, Botswana, Zimbabwe, and Zambia. My proudest moment is now. My least proud moments are too many to list. My happiest moments are now. My unhappiest moments are too few and too unimportant to remember.