The Black Sheep

5 Fitness Classes Eppley Should Really Teach

Admit it, you want to start investing in your fitness, but don’t know where to begin. Probably those love-handles. Yikes. You want to go to the gym, but you’re scared of all those meatheads in the weightroom, and Eppley’s group fitness classes are great but sometimes difficult. Here’s a list of relevant and useful classes Eppley should provide that would really benefit Terps in their fitness endeavors:

5.) Cardio for dummies:Cardio is the simplest workout for beginner gym-goers, but this class is gonna take it to the next level. This class would feature high-intensity activities that get your heart-rate pumping, such as taking timed Canvas quizzes and running to catch the bus before it leaves Stamp. If you aren’t a fan of having a drill-sergeant scream at you, maybe consider an alternate fitness course. Plus, learning how to take care of your cardiovascular health might possibly undo all that damage from your Juul.

4.) Pole dancing:It’s hard to admit, but a lot of you out there may have to dance on a pole to pay for grad school. Either that, or, you just can’t handle UMD’s bullshit anymore, so you’re deciding to drop out and become a stripper. In today’s day and age, pole dancing may as well be considered a life skill to have; and furthermore, one that Eppley should teach us all how to do, just in case. So get that sparkly thong out and get ready to rumble.

3.) Power walking:This class is for all you slow walkers out there. Yeah, fuck you guys. Do y’all just not have priorities or places to be on time? In Eppley’s new “Power Walking” class, all you snails out there will learn how to take larger, more confident, and more accelerated steps. No more slower-than-molasses baby steps that clog up the whole damn sidewalk! This class also weeds out all those phone-lookers who plant their faces in Twitter and can’t even look up for one second to see if they’re about to get run over. We all secretly hope you do.

2.) How to get lit but stay fit:Combining a variety of fitness topics, this class will teach the proper techniques to manage your bod while still shotgunning 6 Natties in one night. The class would also discuss healthy alternatives to snack on when you have the munchies, rather than hitting up 7/11 for taquitos every night. Also featuring a discussion on stress and time-management, this fitness course will teach Terps how to hit happy hour, rails, and nights out while still passing all their classes. This class would basically help you solve every college problem you’ve ever had.

1.) Polite cycling habits:If you ride a bike around campus, there’s a 99% you’re a jerk. Unless you’re the other 1%, you probably whiz by people on the sidewalk, attempt to bike directly through large crowds of people, and fail to indicate when you’re turning. Eppley’s “Polite Biking Habits” can help you, and everyone else you cross paths with in the future! In this fitness class, you’ll study road signs and explore proper roadway etiquette to avoid all possible collisions and idiocy that UMD bikers typically cause. This is more of a self-help class for those that know they need to change their poor operation of bicycles.

Come on, Eppley. Give the people what they want- no, what they need.

Know anyone at one of these schools? Refer a friend for a marketing job, get $100 if they’re hired!