Dear Emuna: TV as a Babysitter

Am I a bad mother if I let my kids watch the occasional show?

I promised myself that I wouldn’t use television as a babysitter for my children – in fact, we don’t even own one. And it’s not just because of the questionable moral value of what is aired. I also don’t like the fact that it encourages passivity and lack of creativity. But even though we don’t have a television, we do have a computer and everything is available online these days. It is so tempting to snatch a little alone time or cooking and cleaning time by letting them watch the occasional Barney-style show. Am I a bad mother if I let my kids do this?

Need a Rest

Dear Tired Mom,

Far be it from me to decide who is a good mother and who, God forbid, is not. I certainly think you are correct to be wary of television’s influence and to try to limit your children’s exposure. But I also think that the occasional indulgence of their desire to watch something (one of my grandsons is a big “Fireman Sam” fan) or your desperate and compelling need for some peace and quiet that prompts you to show them something appropriate shouldn’t be accompanied by self-flagellation, agony and guilt.

The challenge – as with all of our physical drives – is not to overindulge. It’s so easy to say “Just a few more minutes”. “Just one more video” so you can finish your phone call, your work project or making dinner. You need to be on the alert to this temptation and nip it in the bud. Better to encourage independent play in our children. But like I said, no need for guilt. The (very) occasional viewing won’t hurt and there is no price you can put on a mother’s sanity.

“I’m So Fat!”

Dear Emuna,

My daughters are constantly talking about how fat they are. They actually are not overweight and I’m really tired of their obsession with their looks and even more tired of hearing about it. What do you think I should do to stop this?

Weight Watcher Mom – Not

Dear Concerned Mom,

What do you think you can do? Let me share with you a few fundamentals. The first is about teenagers. Adolescents are obsessed with their looks. They’ve never met a mirror they haven’t examined their face in. Their weight and other aspects of their physical appearance are on their mind 24/7. You can’t prevent that.

Despite our best efforts to keep “fat” out of their vocabulary, it will seep in. They’ll hear it at school or at the gym. They’ll see it in magazines when they go to buy groceries. We are surrounded by it. You can’t prevent their hearing it.

The best thing for you to do is have a large supply of healthy snacks in the house and make sure the meals are healthy.

Speak to them about body image. Speak to them about being seen as a body or a soul. Teach them that the outside is a reflection of the inside, and then move on. They’re obsessed enough as is.

Focusing on it – even in an attempt to settle their minds – will only deepen their obsession. Build your relationship around other subjects and firmer ground.

Passover and Pulled Apart

Dear Emuna,

I’m very excited that the whole family will be together for Passover – the kids, grandkids – the whole mishpacha! And I’m very grateful too. But I’m feeling a little guilty that it’s not all pure joy. I’ve discovered that no matter how old my children are, they still fight over my time and attention. And not only for them but for their children as well. It’s exhausting trying to make everyone happy, to include everyone in every activity, not to mention that it gets expensive. Part of me dreads the holiday. I need some tips for a better attitude.

Pulled Apart Mom

Dear Pulled Apart Mom,

I certainly empathize with your plight. I remember one year when we had six kids in Israel, two married with their spouses and two single. Every meal was a complicated logistical ordeal as we tried to coordinate convenient times and places for our children and something that fit into the budget for us. It was fun and wonderful and draining and demanding all at once – which really defines life with children.

As you mentioned at the beginning of your letter, you feel excited and grateful. Hold on to those thoughts. You are lucky – some families don’t speak, some can’t afford to bring their kids home, some don’t get along, some have no room – enjoy the blessings you have created.

Secondly, you need to adjust your expectations. Your children will always be just that – your children. They will always revert back to certain childhood patterns and behaviors when they return home. It’s unavoidable so you just need to learn to roll with the punches – and not to take the fussing and complaining too seriously. It just comes with the territory.

And, if all else fails, you can do what I did with and for my husband on that long ago trip – have a drink together. That kosher for Passover vodka is actually pretty good!

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 4

(1)
Anonymous,
March 14, 2013 6:59 PM

comments on two of the letters

regarding the mother who feels guilty letting her children watch "a little " TV. It's ok as long as 1. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE WATCHING 2.YOU DON'T GO OVERBOARD LETTING THEM WATCH FOR HOURS.Try to arrange a little space with rubber colored tiles near where you do your work with lots of inexpensive toys.Regarding the teenagers who are obssessed with their weight: 1. THROW OUT THE TELEVISION. are they in a jappy school where everyone talks about "juicy" and the movies they watch, and the "stars" they admire? GET THEM OUT AS FAST AS YOU CAN. These schools are no better then goyishe public schools.They need to be in a school that has a uniform (no competition) , that emphasizes midos and not looks. and, watch carefully who their friends are. This world is horrible and the influence of the goyim is too strong. and try to educate your children to have fear of g-d and not fear of the fashion police. This is a job for both you and your husband. Good luck

Anonymous,
March 15, 2013 2:36 AM

Just wanted to reply to one commented made above: "This world is horrible..."
I believe that is a very opinionated question and a bit pessimistic. This world is how you view it, so why not like it here and see things in a positive way. Just because people around us do things we disapprove of does not mean the world as a whole is bad. Rethink your thought please. I'm sure you can think of at least one wonderful thing this world has to offer...maybe chocolate? or the colors of a sunset?

susan weinberger,
March 15, 2013 6:26 PM

explanation of above reply

Of course I know I have alot to be thankful for. I'm not talking about MY life, I'm talking about the world OUTSIDE my home.
I think I know why you don't understand, why, to me, the world IS "horrible". I don't know how religious you are, obviously, but I am orthodox. I cover my hair, I dress modestly, I went to a religious school knowing that girls and women do not wear low cut blouses - is this the norm for you? We always knew that you have to get married before kissing (yes, kissing) your husband and having children. What is the norm for you? We learn about respect and honoring your parents and doing chesed (helping people) not talking bad about people behind their backs (although no one is perfect, I know, but we try to improve ourselves slowly) then you walk in the streets and see how women dress - do they think that maybe their children should not see body parts and should be covered? I see erotic magazines sold in supermarkets (at least where I live) and when you complain to the manager they say "we put it high enough so children can't see" (I'm serious) Yes,. it causes me tremendous stress. I read about teenagers telling their parents that they want to have babies. This is not the norm, this is not the way g-d wanted the world to be. Murder? Every show on television shows you that it's ok to murder if you are angry. Drinking, taking drugs., abuse, bullying, arrogance... That's what you see.
What I am saying is, the world is totally crazy, immoral, and selfish. and living in such a world, hearing stories EVERY DAY gives everyone (not just me) so much stress, and I beg g-d every day to send moshiach who will bring peace to the world.

moshe,
February 21, 2014 5:42 PM

Amen!! May Hashem send him bimhara viyamainu!!

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I always loved the story of Jonah and the whale. Why do we read it during the afternoon service of Yom Kippur?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Let's recap the story: God tells Jonah to go to Ninveh and to prophesy that in 40 days, God will destroy the city. Instead, Jonah goes to Jaffa, boards a ship, and sails for Tarshish. A great storm arises. Frightened, Jonah goes to sleep in the ship's hold. The sailors somehow recognize that Jonah is responsible for the storm. They throw him overboard, and the sea becomes calm.

A great fish swallows Jonah. Then three days later, God commands the fish to spit Jonah back out upon dry land. God tells Jonah, "Let's try it again. Go to Ninveh and tell them in 40 days I will destroy the city."

The story is a metaphor for our struggle for clarity. Jonah is the soul. The soul is assigned to sanctify the world, and draw it close to God. But we are seduced by the world's beauty. (Jaffa in Hebrew means "beauty.") The ship is the body, the sea is the world, and the storm is life's pains and troubles. God hopes confrontation with mortality will inspire us to examine our lives. But Jonah's is the more common response - we go to sleep (have a beer, turn on the television). The sailors throw Jonah overboard - this is death. The fish that swallows Jonah is the grave. Jonah is spat back upon the land - reincarnation. And the Almighty tells us to try again. "Go sanctify the world and bring it close to God."

Each of us is born with an opportunity and a challenge. We each have unique gifts to offer the world and unique challenges to perfect ourselves. If we leave the task unfinished the first time, we get a second chance. Jonah teaches us that repentance can reverse a harsh decree. If the residents of Ninveh had the ability to correct their mistakes and do teshuva, how much more so do we have the ability to correct our former mistakes and do teshuva.

(source: "The Bible for the Clueless But Curious," by Rabbi Nachum Braverman)

In 1948, Egypt launched a large-scale offensive against the Negev region of Israel. This was part of the War of Independence, an attack by five Arab armies designed to "drive the Jews into the sea." Though the Jews were under-armed, untrained, and few in number, through ingenuity and perseverance they staved off the attacks and secured the borders. Yet the price was high -- Israel lost 6,373 of its people, a full one percent of the Jewish population of Israel at the time.

And what does teshuvah consist of? [Repentance to the degree] that the One Who knows all that is hidden will testify that he will never again repeat this sin(Maimonides, Laws of Teshuvah 2:2).

"How can this be?" ask the commentaries. "Inasmuch as man always has free choice to do good or evil, to sin or not to sin, how can God testify that a person will never repeat a particular sin? Is this not a repudiation of one's free will?"

The answer to this came to me at a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, at which the speaker, a man who had been sober for twenty-one years, said, "The man I was drank. The man I was will drink again. But now I am a different man."

A sin does not occur in a vacuum. A person who is devout does not abruptly decide to eat treifah. A sin occurs when a person is in such a state that a particular act is not anathema to him.

Consequently, repentance is not complete if one merely regrets having done wrong. One must ask, "How did this sin ever come about? In what kind of a state was I that permitted me to commit this sin?"

True repentance thus consists of changing one's character to the point where, as the person is now, one can no longer even consider doing the forbidden act. Of course, the person's character may deteriorate - and if it does, he may sin again.

God does not testify that the person will never repeat the sin, but rather that his degree of repentance and correction of his character defects are such that, as long as he maintains his new status, he will not commit that sin.

Today I shall...

try to understand how I came to do those things that I regret having done, and bring myself to a state where such acts will be alien to me.

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