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Nicolei's LiveJournal:

Thursday, February 16th, 2006

11:35 pm

You. Are the only one who's ever understood me on the levels you do. Yes, Hayden's known me longer, so has josh. Who cares? You see how much Josh cares, and for some reason i can never keep in touch with hayden.I LOVE YOU. More than anybody else on this earth. You are everything to me.

Sierra at work was singin some random shit in rasta-style, and I started cracking up, and told her you'd love her for thatand then i stopped, and felt weird, because i know you'd get along, but i feel like i shouldn't still tell people about you. Like, because we aren't together, I shouldn't think about you constantly. I feel as though it's obsessive, and yet somehow, I don't really care?You know what i mean.

anywayi love you. and i was hopin i could talk to you tonight, but alas i cannot, so i will not. But I do love you, more than anything else in this earth, or any other.You ARE my world.Love,Me.<3:)

skrait up bxtch So I'm not sureif I'm dying, or if I wish I was.I wish I had some killer fluand i just passed, naturally, and high, as i went.but no such luck.My head is all clogged upmy eyes hurtmy cheeks are kinda sunburnt from bein outside so much today without a hat onstrange

butmy right knee's been hurting a lot.And I just want to stay home tomorrow, and call in sickand just do my laundry, and clean my room, and sleep.

but i won'tbecause i need money(refer to How High's, "I NEED MONEY")anyways.i need a bitch. a special bitch.I want my cherry pie.haha.

And my love for her makes me feel worthless.The fact that I can't get past it, makes me worthless. The fact that I'm still stuck on her, and everything she does, makes me worthless.I love her. I will continue to, always. I know this now. I can't shut it off. I can only change how I react to it, as evidecned by the fact that I'm not incessantly crying and expressing massive waves of depression.And the fact that she can't trust me, while expected, just makes me feel like 24k gold.8-|{{{sarcasm}}}

so I still just can't fuckin get it!It doesn't make sense to mehow two people, so perfect for eachother, could avoid it...all because of their love for one another.

If you're reading this. I don't fucking get it.I'm sorry. i can't see what you see. You're far too amazing, and give yourself far too little credit. Do you even understand what "12.5 hour workday" says right fuckin there?

It would never be an obligation. It would be divine. But I'll never get the chance to show you, apparently.

Love is the cause of my despair.

And now there is this recurring thought. Everybody else uses love so loosely, and casually. Maybe that's the case here. Everything I've said to her, I've meant entirely... but i can only run on faith for so long.IloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIloveyouIhateme

/editI will ALWAYS want to be with you.And it will ALWAYS be my pleasure to help you

What does it take to show you how much I love you? Because you really don't see it