Wednesday, 7 November 2012

Dazzling Darkness - Launch Night Reflections

‘Only
three copies left!’

As the
bookseller shouted this twenty minutes into the
launch, I realized it was going to be a surprising and extraordinary night. For in truth, I’d expected this event to attract two or three dozen people at
most. I’d feared there might even be one or two protesters outside the
Cathedral claiming I was unfit to be a priest. Instead, Manchester Cathedral
was humming with over one hundred folk. And, to my surprise, they all seemed to
be there to take a closer look at Dazzling
Darkness.

The vain
part of me was thrilled, of course. Authors, inevitably, like to sell books and welcome a crowd. However, this evening was remarkable for me in
deeper ways. I am conscious that Dazzling
Darkness, as spiritual autobiography, does tell an unusual story. There are, after all, relatively few
lesbian-identified, transsexual, disabled priests active in the Church of
England or elsewhere! However, having survived prejudice and fear from both
within and without the church I had never imagined that there might be an
occasion like this – a celebratory launch in a cathedral attended by so many well-wishers and
friends.

Since I
embarked on the sometimes bewildering process of changing sex twenty odd years
ago, the world has, of course, changed. Nonetheless, in making my story public
in the pages of a book, I’ve expected a lot of negativity. That negativity may
yet come, but for one night there was grace. Friends like Nicola Slee, a Wild
Goose author herself, spoke movingly about the creative 'wound' which runs
through the story of Dazzling Darkness. Others suggested that it was the kind
of book that might have something challenging and powerful to say to people of
all hues of faith and none. I enjoyed the opportunity to share some of the more
humorous sections of the book – for, as I suggest in the book’s introduction,
it aspires ‘to be a kind of Pilgrim’s Progress with all the juicy bits left in’
– as well as to read some of the poems and talk about the devastating, but revelatory
effects of illness. The Bishop of Manchester, Nigel McCulloch, closed
proceedings by speaking wittily and generously about having someone like me
serving as a vicar in Manchester Diocese.

I am – as
the author – not in a position to think especially objectively
about the evening or, indeed, the book. I am aware that given the story it
tells and the unflinching way it tells it, it is a very risky book. Because of
the things it says I may yet be invited to leave the church. However, the
launch itself was a night for laughter and tears. I was humbled and stunned by
strangers saying to me how moving and powerful they’d found the book and it was
wonderful to share this evening with family and friends. I want to say a massive thanks to all of you who came along. At a time
when the church seems divided about so many things, there was a remarkable
sense of unity in the Cathedral. As one friend later said of the evening on
Twitter, ‘I loved it. Honestly felt like I’d been to church too but had enjoyed
it!’

3 comments:

What drew so many people? Well it's not often disabled, transgendered, lesbian priests take the lead at cathedral gigs. But for me there is an honesty and authenticity about you Rachel and your story which is even more at a premium in the Church of England. I thought this was so arresting in your painful recognition of your parents' love and support for you, even though you had denied them the person they had brought into the world. I think there is a universal experience here that maybe spoke to many present. There is so much in your book and I especially would like to explore your experience of the hidden God - God, or the irrepressible reality of life, bubbling up, bursting through, refusing to die?

Many congrats Rachel on your fab book launch Nov6th.Great event + wonderful to know your faith journey + what brought you to the vocation as a Cleric .very emotional to be part of . Many thanks + God bless