Slow and clumsy

But that’s not to say that it was bad. There were some elements of it that were good, and even recognizing that I was feeling slow and clumsy is in itself a little bit of a step forward. It shows awareness that things can and will be better.

My endurance seemed to be better today and I felt stronger overall. We tried to videotape the routines, but there were some big gaps where we were off camera, so it was hard to evaluate overall. I made it through almost all my dances except quickstep, and viennese waltz. I came close to the end of both though.

I did have an unexpected dizzy spell during a waltz and had to stop and sit down to make the world stop spinning and let some darkness fade. Once I recovered, I was able to continue for the rest of the practice. I am hopeful that in 2 weeks at the next practice I will be even stronger and I will get to the end of a quickstep without all my strength leaving me. Unfortunately, that is what it feels like and it is incredibly frustrating.

I could tell Boss was a little frustrated today as well and I felt bad for that. It seems like it has been such a long time since I have had any strength or been able to get through an entire practice. I keep trying and coming up short and while there are improvements I can be happy with, they don’t take away the overall frustration and reminder that I am not the same as I was.

I am really starting to doubt about doing this competition in January. If it wasn’t my last competition for a while, I think I would have already decided to pass on it. But if I always wait to be ‘ready’, I would never compete.

One thing that become really obvious today is that I really need to rebuild my tolerance for spinning and turning. The biggest problem I had with VW was that when we finished my world still kept turning and I had to hang on to Boss so I didn’t fall over.

My spins in latin are similar too. Aside from being really slow (it seems like no matter how hard to try to do them fast I still finish well behind Boss and music), just one spin can leave me off-kilter. Previously, I was able to spin just as fast as Boss and do multiple spins without dizzyness fazing me at all.

That means there is probably going to be a lot of random spinning in my future to try and rebuild my tolerance. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to do it.

I am pretty sure the reason I feel slow and heavy is because I am. Despite a lot of hard work, my weight continues to be stubborn and I don’t think my body is really strong enough to move around this much weight. I reviewed what I have been doing and eating with my family doctor and she also feels there is something unusual going on, so it is part of what the specialist will look into in 2 weeks.

I will admit to being pretty anxious and nervous about my weight. I am doing a lot of activity and a lot of monitored eating right now and I seem to be barely able to maintain my weight, or slowly gaining. .2 or .3 lbs a week doesn’t seem like much, but it does add up and it is frustrating knowing I am doing as much work as I can and it is already having secondary effects–such as joint issues. I am terrified of what might happen if I miss a workout or a practice.

I really hope the specialist will be able to figure out what is going on with my body. It’s been through hell and it seems it is not able to pull itself back together on it’s own. 2 Weeks seems like a long way away right now.

All I can do for now is keep working hard and hope that with time my speed will come back.

Next week should be focused on smooth and I am really looking forward to it!