"Dr. James Dobson, the founder of the conservative Christian organization, Focus on the Family, claimed in a speech Tuesday that the cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is gay, and is being used in a pro-homosexual video designed to brainwash kids. And yet he gives that carpet-muncher Dora the Explorer a free ride." --Tina Fey
"The city of Boston sparked controversy when it renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a holiday tree instead of a Christmas tree. Also, the city's nativity scene will now be referred to as the Holiday Homeless Family." --Tina Fey
"Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy." --Tina Fey
"This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains." --Tina Fey
"A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later on in life. The study is entitled, 'National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.'" --Tina Fey
"Bush's overall approval ratings have hit an all-time low ... If Bush's numbers don't improve, he could become the first president held back and forced to repeat his presidency." --Tina Fey
"To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling for oil in Alaska, President Bush visited a plant in Virginia that turned soy beans into a clean burning diesel fuel. Which the president hopes one day will be used to fuel oil drilling machines in Alaska " --Tina Fey
"A new poll shows that 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job on the War in Iraq. And the remaining 34% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church." --Tina Fey
"It's been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq." --Tina Fey
"A leading Republican said Sunday that President Bush is so worried about Social Security that he is only able to sleep ten hours a night." --Tina Fey
"In the wake of a successful Iraqi elections President Bush's job approval rating has jumped up to 57% or, as high school teachers call it, an F." --Tina Fey
"President Bush on Monday defended U.S. interrogation of terrorists, saying 'We do not torture.' He added, 'We freedom electrocute.'" --Amy Poehler
"In his State of the Union Address, President Bush announced a new initiative to keep young people out of gangs, a new program called Do Right And Follow Through (D.R.A.F.T.)." --Tina Fey
"Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq on Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas." --Amy Poehler
"During an interview Condoleezza Rice describes her stance on abortion as 'mildly pro-choice,' which means she would support abortion, except in cases where the mother is pregnant." --Amy Poehler
The nation's energy chief says it'll take six months for energy production and prices to return to pre-hurricane levels. In a bold effort to hurry the process, President Bush fished out his old 'Save Gas: Fart In A Jar' t-shirt." --Amy Poehler
"Last night on '20/20' Barbara Walters interviewed President Bush and his wife at the White House on the eve of his second inauguration. And like all of her interviews Walters did not shy away form the difficult questions. [Clip of Walters: 'Are you a cat person or a dog person?'] Are you a cat person or a dog person? Of course with President Bush the questions don't need to be difficult to seem difficult. [Walters: 'What three words most describe your state of mind.' Bush: 'Excited, hopeful and appreciative.'] You know he wanted to say 9/11 but he couldn't figure out how many words that was." --Tina Fey
"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey
Tina Fey: "At a high school in Canton, Ohio during the 2004-2005 school year, 64 out of nearly 500 girls became pregnant, and this year, nine girls showed up on the first day of school already pregnant. This may seem kind of drastic, but I think it's time for this school to start teaching my controversial advice book for teenage girls called, 'Your Mouth Can't Get Pregnant.'"

"Dr. James Dobson, the founder of the conservative Christian organization, Focus on the Family, claimed in a speech Tuesday that the cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is gay, and is being used in a pro-homosexual video designed to brainwash kids. And yet he gives that carpet-muncher Dora the Explorer a free ride." --Tina Fey "The city of Boston sparked controversy when it renamed the giant spruce tree in Boston Common a holiday tree instead of a Christmas tree. Also, the city's nativity scene will now be referred to as the Holiday Homeless Family." --Tina Fey "Pentagon records show that at least 8,000 members of the all-volunteer U.S. Army have deserted since the Iraq war began. Hey, at least somebody has an exit strategy." --Tina Fey "This week President Bush made a surprise visit to Afghanistan. The president said he heard it was a good place for an embattled leader to disappear into the mountains." --Tina Fey "A new study suggests that middle-aged adults who go on periodic drinking binges may face a heightened risk of dementia later on in life. The study is entitled, 'National Strategy for Victory in Iraq.'" --Tina Fey "Bush's overall approval ratings have hit an all-time low ... If Bush's numbers don't improve, he could become the first president held back and forced to repeat his presidency." --Tina Fey "To show that his energy bill is about more than drilling for oil in Alaska, President Bush visited a plant in Virginia that turned soy beans into a clean burning diesel fuel. Which the president hopes one day will be used to fuel oil drilling machines in Alaska " --Tina Fey "A new poll shows that 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job on the War in Iraq. And the remaining 34% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church." --Tina Fey "It's been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran and keep our other 70% in Iraq." --Tina Fey "A leading Republican said Sunday that President Bush is so worried about Social Security that he is only able to sleep ten hours a night." --Tina Fey "In the wake of a successful Iraqi elections President Bush's job approval rating has jumped up to 57% or, as high school teachers call it, an F." --Tina Fey "President Bush on Monday defended U.S. interrogation of terrorists, saying 'We do not torture.' He added, 'We freedom electrocute.'" --Amy Poehler "In his State of the Union Address, President Bush announced a new initiative to keep young people out of gangs, a new program called Do Right And Follow Through (D.R.A.F.T.)." --Tina Fey "Condoleezza Rice made a surprise trip to Iraq on Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousands of U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas." --Amy Poehler "During an interview Condoleezza Rice describes her stance on abortion as 'mildly pro-choice,' which means she would support abortion, except in cases where the mother is pregnant." --Amy Poehler The nation's energy chief says it'll take six months for energy production and prices to return to pre-hurricane levels. In a bold effort to hurry the process, President Bush fished out his old 'Save Gas: Fart In A Jar' t-shirt." --Amy Poehler "Last night on '20/20' Barbara Walters interviewed President Bush and his wife at the White House on the eve of his second inauguration. And like all of her interviews Walters did not shy away form the difficult questions. [Clip of Walters: 'Are you a cat person or a dog person?'] Are you a cat person or a dog person? Of course with President Bush the questions don't need to be difficult to seem difficult. [Walters: 'What three words most describe your state of mind.' Bush: 'Excited, hopeful and appreciative.'] You know he wanted to say 9/11 but he couldn't figure out how many words that was." --Tina Fey "A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey Tina Fey: "At a high school in Canton, Ohio during the 2004-2005 school year, 64 out of nearly 500 girls became pregnant, and this year, nine girls showed up on the first day of school already pregnant. This may seem kind of drastic, but I think it's time for this school to start teaching my controversial advice book for teenage girls called, 'Your Mouth Can't Get Pregnant.'"