The Mirror

She stands in front of the mirror touching her face, running her hands down her neck, across her breasts, down her sides…and looks at the image staring back. There are lines on her face…from laughter, from sorrow, from being outside too much.

Her breasts are small so she has the advantage of not having the sag that many women her age do…but they have changed. Her waist is still small in comparison with many, but…it was not that long ago it was 22”…or was it?! She turns slowly and surveys her butt…okay…now that has gone to the wayside…still not as bad as some…but OMG what are those dimples doing there!

She turns back and looks again in those eyes…are they hers? Is this the same young flower child of the seventies? The one that “Jimmy the Freak” used to watch walk over the mountain to work…the one he thought was an Angel sent from Heaven? Who is this mature woman standing in front of her? There is a glimmer of light in those eyes, but it is only momentary. She looks deep in those eyes and can see the laughter, the love, the hurt, the sorrow…but is it her?

For a moment standing there she feels entirely alone…but then the memories come back to her. There have been many men in her life…some she loved, some she barely knew; some that were good to her, some that were evil; some were gentle, some were rough; some were passive and some were Masters. She smiles slightly as she thinks of them…those whose names she remembers and those whose names have been forgotten. There are a few that stand out in her mind…does she dare remember?

Her hands now have a mind of their own as she remembers the different touch she received from each one…her mind wonders to the innocence of being a flower child; to becoming a bride for the first time; to becoming a bride the second time; to becoming a mother and almost losing the child; and then she stops…remembering is too hard…

She steps away from the mirror, but something inside her draws her back. Can all of these relationships have been so bad? Why is she still alone? What is it about her that makes men want her, yet they don’t want to stay with her? She shudders slightly at the thoughts of the ones she loved with all her heart, but then, she sees it…the light in her eyes grows brighter…her body suddenly looks un-aged…her mind seems clear for a moment. When she truly thinks about it…there are very few she has loved with all her heart and even though they are no longer in her life…they are there. She can see them looking back at her as she looks in the mirror…they will forever be a part of her and have formed the woman that stands here now!

So why, tonight, is she standing here reflecting on all of this? What is it that makes her look deep within herself? Why can’t she just turn away from this damn mirror and be satisfied?

The answer is simple…she is tired of the games…she is tired of being there for those that need her or want her…she is just plain tired! Should she just walk away from this mirror and do what her friends and family have told her; Stop being so trusting…stop being so nice; stop being everything to everyone; get a backbone; be a bitch; tell people how you feel!

She can’t be like they suggest…she won’t! She is who she is, right or wrong! It may mean a lifetime of one relationship after another, but she is who she is and she will not change for she knows that even through all the pain...she has known love and she has given love.

So she steps back from the mirror, just a little and she looks again. She sees a young flower child standing there smiling back at her. Yes, that Angel that Jimmy saw (even if it was drug induced) is still there! She always will be there…

So why tonight, is she standing here in front of this mirror? Her heart once again has been saddened by a brief encounter…but yet, she knows that he will hold a special place in her heart. It is not over at this moment, but with wisdom comes questions and her questions have put her where she is right now. If their moment in time is truly over she will be sad but will also be joyful in the fact that at 50 years old she had the moment to feel 16 again!

So as she turns from the mirror, she thanks him with all her heart and fondly remembers those that gave her that moment over the 34 years since Jimmy first called her an Angel! May each of them…even Jimmy…know that she is thankful for the part they played in her life and that she is secure in knowing that even with the span of time…she is still that Angel walking over the mountain.

Yes, as she walks from the mirror her heart is sad, her gait is slower, her body is different…but she knows…yes, she knows…or does she?

Hi dreamy, Wow. This is a large piece of your ample heart that you're sharing. Where do I start? I don't believe that you have any bitch in you. Your decency and goodness don't have to condemn you to a life of hurting. Easy for me to say? Well, yes it is. You have the gift of having a loving heart in a thorny, indifferent world. You'll hurt more than the average person, but you'll feel more joy and love as well. The extremes can be exhausting... However, I believe that people like you provide more moments of private joy and happiness to the people in your life than you realize. Your middle aged body and face still carry considerable beauty. Women at your stage of life can be luminous and inspiring. That's what I see here. Anytime you need a cuddle on the couch and kiss on your cheek - or more - let me know. I need people like you in my life. I'm grateful to have you in my life in any way. cuddles and kisses - Todd

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