I killed the family fish last weekend. It has felt like one of my worst moments as a parent.

I was trying to do everything right. Fifty percent water change, wiping off the algae. Temperature regulation, gentle handling, water conditioner. Check, check, double check.

Rudy, our adolescent betta who hadn’t even grown his long fins yet, apparently didn’t like it. He died in protest within three hours.

I was devastated.

Being a pet murderer is bad enough as it is. But I thought of my tender-hearted boy, James, who was sleeping along with his siblings at the time I discovered the untimely death. I thought of the way his shoulders shook when he sobbed at the loss of the last fish, who had been our companion for many months.

These moments, as much as I try to laugh about them in retrospect, are humbling. As I tossed and turned in my bed, thinking about the dead fish in the tank, I fought away tears. I couldn’t help but wonder…if I fail at the little things, how can I handle the big ones?

I know I can’t be a perfect parent. We all do. But maybe instead of trying to brush off my shortcomings, I should embrace them head-on.

I’m failing at parenting. All the time.

From losing my temper to fish murder, I fail. I wound tender hearts and chip away at their innocence. And yet in spite—no because—of this, we are all the better because it reminds methat I am not Jesus. What a relief.

It was morning. I gently lifted poor Rudy’s tiny stiff body from the tank into a small plastic cup. He had been full of life just 12 hours before. I dreaded the next step: waking the kids and starting the day with the sordid news. My husband Marc wanted to participate in the bathroom flush funeral before he left for work.

“Why did he have to die?” James asked tearfully. But not sobbing.

Because Mommy is stupid and she killed him. Did I say that out loud?

“God decided it was his time,” Marc said candidly but gently. “We don’t know all the reasons.”

James handled this loss better than the last one. (They’re tougher than we think, you know.) A few tears fell, hugs were exchanged, and he acknowledged the way of the world. He’s starting to understand death, suffering and the consequences of the fall, whether they result from my mistakes or someone else’s.

Incidentally, after a call to the pet shop, the diagnosis was that I had overdone the tank cleaning. As hard as I had tried to get it just right, I had removed too much of the bacteria in the environment, and the fish had gone into shock.

Imagine that. Death from being too clean. It’s not the first time that trying so hard to attain purity on my own strength has backfired.

Your turn: do you ever feel like you’re failing at parenting? How can you change your perspective?

If you feel like you have money problems in your marriage, you’re not alone. Managing finances one of the #1 issues that married couples can fight about. We’ve been married for eleven years and it’s still really tricky! Check out these three communication tips that have help cultivate peace between my husband and me as we navigate our financial issues.

How Couples with Money Problems Need to Communicate

Confession: I’m someone who breaks out into a cold sweat whenever I look at my bank account.

I like numbers to add up. Staying under budget is a love language, right? Few things in life give me peace of mind than a cushy emergency savings account.

My husband…let’s just say he’s got a great conviction about enjoying life.

We had financial management issues during the early years of our marriage. Actually, we still do.

After many conversations with friends over the years, I’ve learned that this dynamic in marriage is quite common: one leaning to the “spender” end of the spectrum and the other leaning to the “saver” side.

So when it comes to things like if/when/where to go on vacation versus invest in the future, horns can lock.

It gets ugly. If I’m to take an honest look at our marriage dynamic, this is the one issue I’ve spilled the most tears over.

If you’re that unicorn couple that is so awesomely disciplined and unified about sticking to a budget and reaching your financial goals, I truly admire you. But if it just doesn’t come that easily to you, don’t despair. Think of this as an opportunity to refine your marriage relationship.

Here are several strategies that have helped us smooth out the tension when my husband and I disagree about finances (and these are also just good conflict-resolution principles for any topic!)

Interested in ways that you can introduce more positive parenting into your home? Here’s a tip: equipping yourself and your child with a robust behavior vocabulary is a great place to start, starting from their first words! If you’d like a free printable, you can grab it in my free resource collection by clicking below.

Once upon a time, I saw a video somewhere on social media that went something like this:

Father of young toddler: “What does a cow say?”

Little girl: “Moo!”

Father: “What does a doggy say?”

Little girl: “Woof! Woof!”

Father: “What does a duck say?”

Little girl: “Quack! Quack!”

Father: “What does Mommy say?”

Little girl: “No, no, no, no, no!”

Poor mommies. It just comes with the territory: constantly setting limits and saying that two-letter word. It’s no wonder that “no” just happens to be one of the first words that enters a young child’s vocabulary.

If you’re a parent, hopefully “no” is not the only word you’re using. The problem with “no” is that it only takes you so far. Not only does the kid eventually wizen up and start fighting the “no” with the formidable “why?”, but it ultimately leaves you with a void.

Unless your kid is content sitting with their arms crossed and smiling (a highly suspicious behavior in my opinion), they have to direct their energy elsewhere whenever they hit a limit. And unless you’ve taught them where to direct that energy, they ultimately end up committing another crime. You say “no” again, they get frustrated, you get frustrated, and on and on and on you go all day until your husband comes home and you hand them over so you can go collapse and order pizza because there’s no way you’re cooking dinner after a day like that.

Not that I’d know what that’s like, cough cough.

We’re three kids into this parenting game, and I think we’ve pulled together some pretty good positive parenting tips to avoid spiraling out of control like this too often. Instead of focusing on the “don’ts,” everybody is happier when we spend the majority of our time on the “dos.” The way we do this is to provide our kids with a positive behavior vocabulary from an early age. When they misbehave, they know how they need to be focusing their energy. And when they do behave, we can praise them for it!

These words also help our kids form good habits, which they’ll hopefully take with them as they grow older. If you want to implement some positive parenting in your discipline strategy, start these behavior words young!

Positive Parenting Tip: 10 Behavior Words for Preschoolers

Obey

Sound a little intense for a two-year-old? Think again. This is one of the first words we taught our kids in matters of discipline and it’s often one of our first go-tos when dealing with behavior. We expect them to obey.This is different from the popular word “listen.”Listening has to do with paying attention, while obedience has to do with responding appropriately to authority. Our kids are expected to obey parents, babysitters and teachers the first time they are asked (in case you’re wondering, they can ask questions or request alternatives when appropriate, and there is grace involved. It’s not an authoritarian thing).

Gentle

Kids are rough little creatures. They yank on you and walk all over you and other adults/children/animals. From the time my kids were interactive infants yanking on my hair, I would firmly pull their hand away, say “gentle,” and guide the hand in demonstration of what gentle looks like.

Kind

I think we all use the word “nice” a lot, but “kind” as well as “loving” more specifically address how children should treat other people. Sharing and taking turns is to be praised as kindness.

Friendly

I really hope my kids have good manners when they grow up, and those habits start now. We talk with them about making eye contact, smiling and greeting people. You can help shy kids be “friendly” with a wave or a verbal “hi.”

Respectful

This is such a great word, I wish I’d started it sooner! It applies to quite a lot of discipline situations, from talking back, to manners, to kids cleaning up after themselves. It’s also an expansion of the obedience concept once they are a little older.

Thankful

Oooooh this is a tough one. It gets to the heart of a lot of attitude problems. While kids might not naturally feel or act thankful, getting them in the habit of saying “thank you” and not complaining is at least pointing their hearts in the right direction.

Joyful

Like “thankful,” this word is tricky because it addresses a heart issue—but then again, don’t they all? This is a good word to use when kids are just having a bad attitude for no good reason (good for adults too!). It helps them focus on the positive instead of the negative so they can enjoy their surroundings, not to mention make themselves more enjoyable to be around for everyone else.

Patient

Okay, this was the word of the day once on Sesame Street so I know I’m validated here. A two-year-old might ask you for crackers 5,247 times in 30 seconds and you repeat this word over and over again. It’ll sink in eventually (and help remind you too!).

Self-Control

In our house we say, “no fits” whenever a tantrum starts. To counter the “no” in that statement, the kids learn to control their emotions and express them appropriately by being introduced to the “self control” concept. Admittedly this is quite difficult for a two-year-old, but for a four-year-old who has been practicing deep breathing and counting backwards whenever he gets worked up, “self-control” is a big accomplishment that is highly praised.

Helpful

Who doesn’t love a Mommy’s helper? From the time they were little all of my kids beam with pride anytime they figure out how to pour a glass of water or get their own cereal. I’ve heard that they eventually morph into teenagers and that being “helpful” doesn’t hold the same weight in their minds. However, I’ve also been told that if they habitually helpful when they are young, it’s not a battle when they’re older!

Do you use positive parenting behavior words? Share some in the comments or on social media!

If I had a dollar for every time I saw some alarming headline about how today’s youth is leaving the Christian faith in droves…I’d have my kids’ college paid for.

But it’s true, and it’s alarming. Faith for kids, especially once they’re out of the house, is challenging in our current cultural climate.

I don’t have to read the latest statistic to know it. I can see what happened to many of my friends who said they were Christians in high school and college. And I can see what’s happening with some of my friends’ older children now.

They don’t need or want church, the Bible or anything related to it.

The faith of their parents didn’t stick; the kids never fully made it their own.

If you’re a Christian with kids in the home, you are almost certainly asking yourself in this climate, “What can I do to help them choose their faith over the world when they’re grown?”

I have a somewhat unique perspective on this question, as I was not raised in church. I chose to follow Jesus when I was 19, over 300 miles away from home, in an urban university climate that was somewhat hostile to the idea.

So when I think about how I want my kids to make the same choice, I don’t have the childhood experience to rely on.

My husband is quite the opposite in his experience. His journey began at a much younger age and he grew up immersed in a vibrant culture of faith in his extended family, homeschooling community and church.

In him I have the unique opportunity to observe the full picture of raising godly kids, as someone who never had that experience herself. As my husband leads our family spiritually, he explains why we do what we do, and I can see the fruit of those choices in his relationship with his own parents.

Our kids are going to make their own choices, and as it is clear in the Bible, they can choose to leave the faith even if we do everything right. (Likewise, as in my case, kids can have little to no biblical instruction in the home growing up and still turn out all right!)

But at the same time, I believe there are several things we can do that will help our kids make their faith their own—for the long term.

Perhaps because our culture is steeped in this attitude, it has rubbed off on me. I have to catch myself when I’m tempted to roll my eyes about my husband’s weekend hobbies or sense of humor, or how he can’t read my mind (how dare he not).

This shouldn’t be surprising to Christians, as the Bible is quite instructive on masculinity and fatherhood, both explicitly and through example.

In our home, we teach our kids the importance of honoring their parents as instructed in Ephesians 6:2, as well as the Ten Commandments and elsewhere. Practically speaking, that means we have to deliberately cultivate a family culture with this value.

If you’re tired of the anti-man sentiment out there, I’ve got two simple but powerful principles that will help you build a family culture that honors dads instead of tearing them down.

Honoring Dad: How To Build a Culture that Builds Him Up (Instead of Tearing Him Down)

Disclosure: this post contains affiliate links. See here for more information.

It’s funny how you can spend all day with your kids and yet feel like you didn’t connect with them at all. This is especially true when you’re busy getting stuff done with multiple people in the house: homeschooling, housework, chauffeuring, ministry, etc. And while you might technically be “together,” you’re missing out on a very important component of healthy parent-child relationships: quality time.

It’s different than just being together; if you’re familiar with The 5 Love Languages, it is defined as “giving someone your undivided attention.”

That’s hard to do!

But as my kids get older, I am becoming more and more convinced just how important it is to have quality time with each of them. Even if quality time isn’t the primary “love language” of you or your child, it gives opportunity for uninterrupted communication and to build memories. When they look back on their childhood, these are the times that kids are going to remember.

Here are practices our family implements to ensure we’re getting that quality time, both one-on-one and all together.

I was vacuuming the other day and really enjoying the “quiet” that comes with that task. You know what I mean: by drowning out all the noise in a busy household, I could get a few minutes of mindless peace.

Or not.

Slowly but surely above the low, loud hum, I heard an unmistakable crescendo: screeching, wailing, screaming: “STOP IT!!!” There were crocodile tears and desperate tugs on my arms. I had to referee my kids’ fighting over how to properly put away the cards in a game of Memory.

I try not to remind myself that I did not go to college for THIS.

In my finest parenting moment ever recorded, I just stared at them, blinking. There may have been some mumbling utterance of, ”No one cares, just put the cards away,” before I turned the vacuum back on and tried to use the power of wishful thinking to make it stop.

I’m sure you know as well as I do that wishful thinking isn’t a constructive way to parent, so of course I eventually had to back track and help them talk through this truly agonizing situation.

It’s a battle all parents face: kids fighting, sibling rivalry, and just outright meanness between your offspring. You wonder how such diametrically opposing figures could possibly have come from the same womb.

Kids Fighting? 3 Strategies to Strengthen Sibling Relationships

Becoming a mother makes you grow in all kinds of ways you don’t expect. In pregnancy, childbirth and those early precious moments, your physical endurance is nothing short of miraculous. Your capacity for love expands with each little soul you add to your family. I’ve also personally experienced a significant softening of my heart and sensitivity—you would have never called me a sap ten years ago, but now? I will always cry watching Inside Out. Every. Time.

I’m not naming any names, but I have a child who is brilliant but moves slower than a 90-year-old. He appreciates life. He will savor each bite of food—no rather, each movement of his jaw when he chews. He will stop and smell every petal of every flower, examine the minute details of each school assignment so that he can finish it flawlessly, and take a full hour to put a folded shirt into a drawer. He is a genius…and I go crazy trying to get him to move…his…feet.

And then there’s just the everyday mom stuff we all deal with. The kids’ noise, the fighting, the slowness in their understanding of how to function like normal humans. Everybody asking two seconds after you say you’re going to pour them some milk when their milk is going to be ready. The phrase “be patient” comes out of my mouth no less than 354 times per hour (is there a sign on me that says “food on demand” or something?).

“Be patient,” I say…as my sanity slowly unravels.

By the grace of God, however, I am slowly being transformed from someone who is always on the move to someone who waits, from someone who thinks and talks quickly to someone who listens.

Do you struggle with patience too? (Is there anyone who doesn’t?) While I’m not the psychological/spiritual/emotional expert on this topic, some practical strategies have helped me tremendously.

Become a More Patient Mom with These Simple Practices

Christmas is just around the corner, and in our house that means it’s time to assess our toy situation. We recently decluttered a massive amount of toys, so I’m pretty picky about what I allow back into the house (nonetheless they’re still breeding—where do they all come from???).

We’ll do another decluttering session soon before the Christmas décor comes out, and the kids will help me decide what they truly still love and play with and what we can do without.

I’m already fairly certain how it’s going to go. All the little prizes and fast food toys they’ve picked up over the last few months will be sure to go. So will the broken toys, the incomplete sets, etc. And I will certainly make my case against anything that makes noise.

But there are certain types of toys we always keep: building toys. I know from experience that even when we put them away for a while, they always spark fun and creativity whenever they come back out. Here are a few reasons why they’re so awesome. Building toys:

Improve fine motor manipulation and strength

Enhance spatial awareness

Encourage thinking and reasoning

Involve focus and patience

Spark the imagination

Build confidence

Help develop problem solving skills

Encourage children to use their minds instead of relying on technology

Another thing that’s great about building toys is that, while they can take up space during use, they’re actually relatively easy to clean up. We can leave a set out for a short time—in a designated area—but after the kids have lost interest, we put them away. They go back in their appropriate container on a shelf or out of sight until they’re ready to come out again. If we find a stray piece we can just return it to the container. Overall, if you can train your kids to help out, building toys create relatively less clutter!

We have some favorite building toys in our house that are a lot of fun for both boys and girls of various ages. I thought it would be useful for Christmas shopping—keep this list for yourself or pass it on to relatives who need some guidance (so you don’t end up with piles of junk you’re just going to want to throw out a month later).

10 Awesome Non-LEGO Building Toy Sets

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I'm Gina, a happily married mom of three and stress management coach. I help exhausted, overwhelmed moms find peace and purpose in the everyday. Be sure to sign up for tons of free resources that will help you stop just surviving and start thriving! Read More…