“It’s not the speed so much as the
drops. The connection goes on a walkabout every two minutes.”

“Isn’t there any other service
provider you can go to?”

“Well, most of Mumbai is connected
through their local cable guy. That’s like the Cable Guy from the Jim Carrey
movie, only with deep connections to the local mafia.”

If you thought he was scary you should see our cable guy

“Fascinating. Well, why don’t you
have a connection from the local mafia?”

“I did, a long time ago. It was
overpriced, and connected by a series of long LAN cables. He had put up a hub
on the terrace of our building, and every so often, it would bust and have to
be re-set. Or some rival Mafioso would physically sever his lines and then
there would be connection for days together. When MTNL first came around, it
was actually a slight improvement.”

“And now it’s different?”

“I don’t know. But of late, those
who live in other parts of the city are apparently very pleased with their
cable guy, underworld connections notwithstanding.”

“So why don’t you switch back,
then?”

“Ana, it was one of the first
things I tried to get behind when I got back here. Mostly so I could stay in
touch with you, of course.”

“Heart attack, is what I was told.
So anyway, my neighbour told me to hang on a few days and then call one of his
minions. The chap had died just the previous day and while his son would
inherit his empire of cables and antennae, it was best to hold off while the
mourning period was in progress.”

“Sounds fair enough. So did you try
again?”

“Yep, I got the number of the guy
who comes to collect the dues. Called him four times. No response.”

“Didn’t he call back?”

“He did, only when he did, I had a dentist’s pincer-cleaver-pointy thing poking
into my throat and couldn’t take the call.”

“Dios mio, I imagine it would have been awkward if you tried.”

“So then I called him again, and
some woman picked up and said he wasn’t there.”

“Probably his mistress.”

“Sounded more like a mother. Anyway
I tried again the next day, and the woman told me, most irritably, that he had
gone to his village.”

“And when will he be back?”

“She cut the phone, rather as
though it were a particularly tasty piece of contraband beef.”

“Is there nothing else you can do?”

“I looked up the name of the cable
company online and found their landline number.”

“Well that must have worked. Why
didn’t you think of it before? Silly Percy!”

“Tsk tsk, hear me out, Ana. I
called and told them my address and said I wanted an Internet connection. The
guy on the line said his company didn’t service my area.”

“What?”

“I said of course he did, and told
him the name of the chap I’d got the number from.”

“I assume that didn’t help either?”

“Nope, he said ‘doesn’t so-and-so
live in the low-income-housing near the bus depot?’ so I said no and asked him
if he knew who serviced my locality and he said he had no clue and hung up, as
though the phone were a high-cost slab of mutton.”

“Percy…”

“Yes, Ana?”

“Do you live in low-income-housing
near the bus depot?”

“No, I do not.”

“’Coz there’s nothing wrong if you
do. I will love you just the same.”

“Ana, I do not live in low-income-housing near the bus depot or railway
station or airport or anywhere else. Well, not yet, anyway.”

“Ok. Also, are you hungry?”

“Yes, no breakfast yet. Why?”

“Just guessing. Maybe the food
references – and you have a hungry look about you.”

“Well, you’re looking practically
edible and I haven’t had breakfast.”

“Let me make my muy feo face. There!”

“Still beautiful.”

“Anyway, since cable guy isn’t
coming through, we are thankful to MTNL for giving us today, aren’t we?”

“Very. And to the Government for
not banning Google hangouts. Yet.”

“Are they likely to ban Google
hangouts?”

“Why not? They found they could ban
a bunch of other sites, so why not this? After all, if it lets me talk to you,
it could let other people talk to their friends and relatives in corrupt
liberal societies, and that never leads to anything good, does it?”

“I suppose it doesn’t.”

“Absolutely not.”

“So what have they banned?”

“Pornography, theoretically to
address the child pornography menace.”

“But Percy, you can’t address the
child porn menace by banning regular porn sites. In any case, the underage
stuff is in the deep web, not on websites…”

“You seem strangely well-informed
on the subject.”

“One of the jobs I tried out for
last year was in the child abuse helpline. As in, anti-child abuse.”

6 comments:

I am not sure if you are getting tired of my saying this, Percy, but you are one talented hombre! As to the story, brilliant, shows a mastery over dialogue that is remarkable. Humor, which tickles the funny bone, makes the smile stay glued to the face.

Wow Percy! Another mind-blowing convo. I am falling in love with Ana. :p By the way, your way of handling pornban is good. I like this approach: a subtle reference in between a friendly conversation. Very well-written.

OMG! I laughed my head off. You are a Dialogue-Monster. You do it so well, it seems effortless. Wonderfully done and love your sense of humor. Loving these conversations. Do keep them coming. :)Cheers n tc.Usha

Featured Post of the Day

About Me

Percy Slacker was bitten by Schrodinger’s Cat as a child, and has since then combined a deep fear of cats with an
abiding conviction that he both exists and does not exist at the same
time. This existential doubt has led him
to grow up to be a writer while not actually being a writer.

He lives in Mumbai with his family, his book collection and a firm
conviction that modern civilization is in an interminable decline.