Thanos and Red venture into the darkness of
the toilet drain, Red pausing every now and then to test the integrity of the
pipes along the way. After a short journey, they arrive at a juncture where the
drain pipe narrows. The entire exit is blocked by a large, withering mass.
“Well, Red… This looks like the blockage…”

“Thanos… Fear not a talking blockage…
By the unending cold that flows from beneath Hela’s skirts, we can remove
it.”

“I AM NOT A BLOCKAGE!”

“Wait Red… That’s Ego… Ego, the
Living Planet… Looks more like a moon to me, though…”

“YES, THANOS… IT IS EGO…IF YOU CAN
FREE ME, I’LL NOT KILL YOU…”

“Wait just a second… Ego? You’re
trapped in here… How are you going to kill me?”

“LIKE THIS!” Ego scrunches up his face,
and the sound of sizzling bacon can be heard. A few sparks jump off of Ego’s
eyebrow in Thanos’ direction, but they fizzle in the water at his feet.”

“Uhmmm… Ego? I’m not to scared of
sparklers…”

“YOU WILL FEAR THE LIGHTNING OF MIGHTY
EGO!” More sparks shoot out. Thanos looks at Red and shakes his head. Red
opens his tool bag and pulls out a couple of sticks of dynamite.

“Thanos… The explosives have gotten
wet… We’ll need to retrieve fresh explosives, then journey back to the
blockage.”

“I AM NOT A BLOCKAGE! I AM…EGO!”

“You look more like a Yugo to me, Ego.
How’d ya end up here anyway? Is it a story you can tell that won’t turn my
Eternal stomach?”

“I WAS IN SPACE ONE DAY, MINDING MY OWN
BUSINESS, PLAYING TRICKS ON PICARD AND HIS CREW…do you know that Troi walked
on me with her bare feet? Mmmmmmm…ANYWAY, I GOT TIRED OF MESSING WITH THE
HUMANS AND DECIDED TO FIND A SUN TO ORBIT. JUST AFTER I FOUND A SUN, AND WAS
GETTING A NICE TAN, ALONG COMES GALACTUS, BEING ALL HUNGRY AND STUFF. ‘CEPT HE
DIDN’T TELL ME HE WAS HUNGRY, NO. AS HE WAS MAKING SMALL TALK, TELLING ABOUT
HIS POKER GAME WITH THE CELESTIALS, HE STICKS HIS ELEMENTRAY CONVERTER UP MY
WAZOO!”

“Ouch!”

“I’LL SAY! I’M A BIG PLANET. I
DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I HAD A WAZOO… ANYWAY, HE PROCEDED TO DRAIN MY ENERGY, THEN
TOOK OFF WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A ‘SEE YA LATER’ OR ANYTHING. SO I HITCHED A
RIDE ON THE BACK OF HIS SHIP. WHEN HE RETURNED TO HIS HOMEWORLD, I THOUGHT I HAD
RETURNED TO MY FORMER STATURE AS A PLANET…”

“You look more like an asteroid now.”

“I KNOW, I KNOW… I STILL HAVEN’T
RETURNED COMPLETEY. ANYWAY, I HID IN HIS CLOSET AND ATTACKED HIM WHEN HE WAS IN
THE SHOWER, THINKING TO CATCH HIM OFF GUARD…NO, HE CALLED ME ‘EGO, THE
LIVING BOOGER’ AND FLICKED ME INTO THE TOILET. I’VE HAD MY REVENGE BY
BLOCKING UP HIS FACILITIES.”

“Hence the call for mine services…”

“YES. I WAS GOING TO BACKUP HIS WATER FOR
ALL ETERNITY, BUT…”

“But?”

“BUT I’VE GROWN TIRED OF LIVING IN THIS
PIPE. I DESIRE THE OPEN COSMOS ONCE MORE. TELL YA WHAT, YOU HELP ME GET OUT OF
HERE, AND I’LL GENERATE SOME DIAMONDS FOR YA, HOW’S THAT SOUND?”

“I must confer with mine associate,
Ego…” Red puts his head up against Thanos shoulder and whispers: “I’ve
never been paid by a blockage before… there’s something vaguely un-ethical
about it.”

“What Galactus doesn’t know won’t hurt
him. Besides, we can get more beer!”

“It’s settled, Ego. We will help thou
escape, provided thou pay us half up front, the balance upon being freed.”

“DEAL.” Ego works his mouth around for a
bit, then spits out a few fist sized diamonds. “WILL THIS DO FOR STARTERS?”
Thanos’ eyes jump to the top of his skull as he scoops up the gems and puts
them in a pocket, handing the smaller stones to Red. Red absentmindedly takes
his cut, studying how best to remove the blockage.

“Thanos… I think that we should blast
there… and there…”

“NO BLASTING! I’M A HUMAN BEING… I
MEAN A LIVING PLANET… YOU CAN’T BLAST ME TO BITS…”

“Red… I have a better idea.” Thanos
takes out his canteen. “Watch this, and stand back. Here, Ego… have a drink
of this…” Thanos holds the canteen up to Ego’s lips and pours the contents
in.

“MMMMM…GOOD! I HAVN’T HAD PLEASURE
PLANET BEER IN A LONG TIME! BUT… BUT WAIT… IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY
STOMACH…”

“Run, Red, run! He’s gonna blow!” Both
Red and Thanos start sprinting back up the drain as a sound like an earthquake
can be heard behind them. A massive mudslide threatens to overtake them as they
run for the bowl, the sound of Ego throwing up still being heard. They reach the
bowl, and Red grabs the rope tied to the handle and yanks on it.

“Thanos, grab hold, quickly!” An
enormous wall of water rolls out of the tank and down into the bowl. But Thanos
and Red are climbing for all their worth, trying to make it to the seat and not
be swept away by the rushing water. Red and Thanos pull themselves up the rope;
hand over hand, until they get to the handle. With a flip, Thanos and Red and up
on the top of the tank watching the bowl fill with water. Red has a concerned
look on his face.

“Red, ya think it’s going to work?”

“I don’t know. If Ego lost enough size
from barfing, and if the weight of the water causes enough pressure…” The
water level continues to rise in the bowl, getting higher and higher. Then, just
as the water level reaches the top of the bowl and threatens to spill over into
the bathroom, a low rumbling echoes throughout the room. With an ear-deafening
gurgle, the water level rapidly drops, and the bowl empties in a flash! Thanos
and Red both jump up in the air and give each other high-fives. Red sends Mop-nir
out to clean the rest of the overflowed water, while Thanos sits down and rests
from the ordeal.

“YES, RED ROOTER, I ALWAYS HONOR MY
AGREEMENTS… THE HALF I’M DEDUCTING IS TO COVER THE BEER THAT
THANOS…BORROWED… FROM MY GALACTO-REFRIGERATOR.”

“Oh… Yes… This is a wise and fair
settlement, mighty Galactus.”

“YOU MAY COLLECT YOUR CHECK FROM THE
DOORMAN.

“Thank thee, mighty Galactus! Oh, here’s
my business card, if thou needs any plumbing services in the future.” Red
moves to hand his card to Galactus, but Galactus has his head deep into a viewer
and ignores him. “We’re having a special next solar cycle on line
cleaning…I’ll just lay this here on thine counter”, Red says, as he turns
and leaves the room.

Drunk Thanos vs. Red-Rooter
Epilogue

Now that Thanos’ bar tab has been paid in
full, Willie has put in new lights and a big screen TV, and generally
refurbished everything in the place. Thanos is sitting at the remodeled bar in
the Infinity Saloon, drinking a cold one. Ben Grimm walks in and sits down next
to him. Thanos looks over with a smile. “You didn’t think I could do it, did
you Grimm? A bet is a bet, and I have the proof out back… Did you bring the
money?”

Ben just stands up and pats a bulge in his
overcoat. Thanos gets up from his stool and leads Ben out back. One of
Galactus’ beer bottles is sitting out back, a small scaffolding built around
it.

“See, Grimm? I told you I could get a beer
from Galactus’ fridge, and he wouldn’t even care… Now, hand over the
amount we wagered.” Ben Grimm walks around the bottle, inspecting the glass,
prying at the label, lifting at the cap. With a shrug, he pulls a wad of bills
out of his pocket and tosses ‘em to Thanos.

“This is the best part, Grimm!” Thanos
runs up the stairs and starts prying at the cap using a long metal bar. With a
loud hiss, the cap flies off and Thanos almost loses his balance. After the mist
and vapor has dissipated, he takes two large scoops and dips them in the beer;
offering one to Ben Grimm. Grimm, sniffs it and takes a swallow, then gets a
small smile on his face. “See, Grimm? I told ya it was the real thing,
didn’t I?” Then, Thanos drinks the contents of his scoop down. His eyes get
a vacant look and he falls over, almost tumbling down the stairs.

Ben
Grim steps over Thanos’ prone body as he heads back into the bar, muttering:
“lightweight…”