Earth to Kanye West, A Genius Probably Wouldn’t Call Himself a Genius

Last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Kanye West touched on a plethora of unimportant subjects that related to nothing but him and his life because only God knows what’s bigger, his wife’s ass or his head.

During the lengthy interview that every news outlet ever is calling an epic “rant,” Kanye called himself a “genius,” a “messenger” and a “creative,” not realizing that self-applied terms like this consistently make him sound like an untrendy toolbox douchnozzle.

Do you even brain:“I’m totally weird, and I’m totally honest, and I’m totally inappropriate sometimes. And the thing is, for me to say I wasn’t a genius, I would just be lying to you and to myself.”

Wow Kanye, you’re totally akin to Joan of Arc!: “I wouldn’t even say that I’m a rapper. I’d say I’m more of a messenger than a rapper.”

Distracted by shiny things:“I spent two of my checks in telemarketing when I was 18 years old on my first pair of Gucci slippers and this was before there was H&M and Zara. You couldn’t just find cool stuff when I you were growing up, and for me, I care about cool stuff.”

Kim is a genius by association: “They said something about they’re not gonna put my girl on the Walk of Fame because she’s a reality star. It’s like, people are so, so dated and not modern. It’s like, there’s no way a Kim Kardashian shouldn’t have a star on the Walk of Fame. It’s ridiculous.”

Ye olde balloon head strikes again: “This is what I’m here to do. So when I compare myself to Steve Jobs or Walt Disney, Howard Hughes, David Stern, Michelangelo, Da Vinci, Jesus or whatever it is, I’m saying, these are my heroes.”

Saggy black pants are in:“There’s people who made whole careers off of creating leather jogging pants, it became like a phenomenon over the past three years..”

Don’t mess with the East Coast:“I should be respected as such when I walk down the street. Don’t ask me a question about something you saw in the tabloids, don’t try to antagonize me. ‘Cause you know what? It’s not safe for you in this zoo. Never think that I’m not from Chicago for one second.”