Monday, August 4, 2014

Step One, continued

I've been continuing to go to OA and I think I'm getting something out of it. My therapist says it can be helpful, though the format is "corny" in her words and I agree. It would be helpful to have a sponsor, but I haven't yet met anyone who I know well enough to ask for that favor.

I did have a good breakthrough moment last night, though. I wanted to get up and eat. It was late at night, the perfect time for binges. I wanted, I wanted ... but instead I made myself go to bed. This morning I felt really good about that and I had lost weight.

I might as well just admit that I would smoke pot during these binges. I know this is a public blog and not everyone is on-board with the marijuana thing, but I have to be honest about these things. Pot is a bad, bad thing if you're a compulsive overeater. It just makes you want to eat more and more, whether or not you're full. It was like eating was a goal. It was its own reward.

I always thought I was so smart when I was stoned. Total philosopher. Now that I've had the surgery, I can't smoke, and that's for many reasons. First is the obvious: it'll make me want to eat, and that's totally counterproductive. Also, smoking causes ulcers post-op, and that's no good. Third, it's a transfer of addictions. Bad idea.

So, back to the first step. From what I can see, it's basically saying yeah, I'm powerless over food, so help me God. Does that mean I've already done it? I already do believe in a higher power, though I don't believe that that higher power controls every element of my life. I don't want to rush through these steps, though, the way I rush through dishes and walking the dogs and so many other parts of my life. I want to do it right. I need to do it right. To be continued, I guess ...