Wait, let us rephrase that: we’re not so much excited she isn’t feeling well in the middle of her press whirlwind for Catching Fire as we are about the fact that her illness means she has awesome stories to tell.

And when Jen sat down with The Late Show with David Lettermanthis week, she spared no detail — not even the crude ones — about her trip to the hospital and why she had to cancel some of her morning appearances.

“I thought I had an ulcer, and it turns out it was a fulcer,” Jennifer joked. “I just had this really bad pain for, like, three weeks, and you can only sh—t your pants so many times a day before you have to go to the emergency room.”

Yes, that is generally a good sign that’s something’s wrong!

“I just did this thing yesterday where they did an endo-scopo-something,” Jen continued, describing the incredibly pleasant procedure where they send a camera into your body to figure out what’s wrong.

Which means Jennifer was put under anesthesia — something we wish we could have witnessed ourselves.

“They were putting me to sleep, but I can see the stuff coming towards me,” Jennifer explained, referring to the tubes that carry the anesthesia, if you were wondering. “She’s like, ‘think of someplace peaceful, think of an island, a lot of people have pleasant dreams.’ And the last thing I said was, ‘I’m paralyzed!’”

And Jennifer’s dreams while she was out? Not exactly about a relaxing beach vacation.

“I dreamed a nuclear bomb went off,” the 23-year-old actress said, imitating her post-surgery voice. “And then the first lucid conversation I remember having was about the Kardashians, and then I put my hand on the anesthesiologist’s chest, and said, ‘Will you please just promise me something? Will you promise me you’ll watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?”

Jennifer Lawrence, you should always be on talk shows. Or write a memoir. With an audiobook.