"…it’s sad that children are missing out on this level of lame genius"

"…it’s sad that children are missing out on this level of lame genius"

My Stepmother Is An Alien

…was a 1988 film featuring Kim Basinger (phwoar!) and Dan Aykroyd detailing the somewhat outlandish story of a female alien coming to earth and trying her hand at parenting.

This obviously fictional movie should not be confused with the obviously very real story related recently by Councillor Simon Parkes, who was elected to represent Stakesby ward on Whitby Town Council in the UK last month. His mother is indeed an alien, as he tells us in this Youtube video:

I don’t expect you to watch the whole hour (although you’re more than welcome to), so here’s a synopsis, courtesy of the Northern Echo:

A LABOUR politician has stunned his town council colleagues by claiming his “real mother” is a 9ft green alien with eight fingers.

Councillor Simon Parkes, who was elected to represent Stakesby ward on Whitby Town Council last month, said although he has had hundreds of close encounters with extra-terrestrials, it will not interfere with his mission to help residents at the seaside resort.

Speaking on YouTube, Coun Parkes said he first saw an alien at the age of eight months, when “a traditional kite-shaped face”, with huge eyes, tiny nostrils and a thin mouth appeared over his cot.

He said: “Two green stick things came in. I was aware of some movement over my head. I thought, ‘they’re not mummy’s hands, mummy’s hands are pink’.”

He added: “I was looking straight into its face. It enters my mind through my eyes and it sends a message down my optic nerve into my brain.

“It says ‘I am your real mother, I am your more important mother’.”

He said after contracting chicken pox at the age of three, his mother went to work and left him at home to fend for himself when an 8ft “doctor” dressed as a waiter appeared to offer help.

As an 11-year-old, he claims he was taken on a craft by his alien “mother”, and made a deal with the beings on board.

He said: “The reason extraterrestrials are interested in me is not because of my physical body, but because of what is inside me. My soul.”

Seems legit.

I enjoyed a couple of bits of this story particularly: the description of the “traditional kite-shaped face”. My first thought would have been that it was a kite. Those are the only things I know with traditional kite-shaped faces. Well, either that or a skate. But he’s in his cot, not at the local aquarium.

Also the fact that, despite apparently being at least partly alien, he was able to contract chicken pox. That’s those theories about tissue tropism out of the window then. It makes me wonder why we haven’t all come down with distemper yet.

And why was the doctor dressed as a waiter? It’s almost like Simon didn’t think an 8 foot doctor attending to his illness just wasn’t odd enough.

I know, what if he wasn’t dressed as a doctor?
What if he was dressed as… a waiter?

Obviously, society’s oddballs are having a field day with this story, because this is an educated person with a responsible, trustworthy position in society, not some Tenessee trailer trash with a dodgy accent:

Well boy, ah wa’ down by the swamp, when ah first saw it. First, ah thought it wa’ a ‘gator. Then ah saw the face, an’ ah was thinkin’ ”Well now boy, ‘gators don’t have kite-shaped faces”…

Those who choose not to believe Mr Parkes’ story are told that they are thinking wrong:

There is no logic, critical thinking or scientific method for these events which are outside of the matrix. The very terms you have used are matrix terms.
You think with the matrix mind.

Damn me for thinking with the matrix mind. Next thing I know, I’ll be voting labour.