I Licked a Beer Facial Off My Boyfriend's Face

Everyone loves a good facial, especially if it doesn't involve the potential of semen in your eye. Which is what I thought this sex tip was at first and I was like, UGH NOT AGAIN, but then I was pleasantly surprised when I learned I would be the one giving my boyfriend a facial. Not, like, with my sperm(?), but with beer. First, I was to apply beer, avocados, and honey all over my dude's face, and then I was to hoover it off of him like a hungry, alcoholic kitten. Then we're supposed to have sex. Basically, it's dinner and a movie. But porny. (The weird stuff.)

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The sex tip:Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity... but you can just tell him that your lips can't resist his delicious, beer-flavored face.

I actually followed a recipe that was avocados, beer, and honey because the idea of eating raw eggs makes me want to throw up forever. Sexy!!

The Location: I shit you not, an inflatable camping bed in the kitchen. This could get out of hand, and I'm not trying to scrub dried avocado off my headboard.

The Music:Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard. Followed by painful silence because I couldn't touch my iPhone with my avocado hands.

The Mood: Thirsty. Also, in want/need of pretzels or maybe some tortilla chips.

The Act: So, I stirred up this sweet n' savory mixture in a large bowl while my boyfriend shaved and washed his face. Like, washed it two times. Eating food off another person's body kind of grosses me out, so his face better shine like the top of the Chrysler Building if I'm going to use it as a plate. Once I determined that my boyfriend had sufficiently scrubbed his handsome mug, I slathered the face mask onto it and then proceeded to lick it off. This part wasn't particularly sexy. You'd be surprised how unsexy licking can be when it's near a nostril. Pro tip: Focus on the lower face. Keeping it around his cheeks and mouth is sexier anyway, and I wasn't trying to go to town on his hairline and get a fur ball. Yuck.

After that, though, the sex was good, if not pretty normal. I mean, it was no loose change up a butthole, you know? Also, I couldn't stop thinking about how my apartment was gonna smell like a frat house for a few weeks and whether I was out of Method countertop cleaner or not.

The Verdict: This was, in a word, delicious. The beer and avocado combo was extremely tasty, and it was like making out after a few drinks and apps. Nothing wrong with that. Plus, when all was said and done, my boyfriend did have a certain glow. OK, that could've been the sex, but also maybe the beer facial? Also, I totally didn't even need to eat dinner afterward and so this is by far the cheapest date I've been on in awhile.