Wednesday, October 05, 2005

I'll Believe It When I See A Smudged Copy Of The Paperwork on The Smoking Gun

I am taking a "wait-and-see" attitude towards this one, but Gawker is reporting today that US Weekly's super-top-secret new issue will claim that Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are finally going to file for divorce, and it's all dipsomaniac daddy's girl diva Jessica's fault:

Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, America’s Newlyweds, have called it quits. For those of you so self-loathing as to closely follow these things, you’ll recall that in May, E! online reported that the couple had filed for divorce, only to mysteriously retract the story an hour later. But you knew, right then, that this was coming, didn’t you?

The couple is waiting to make an official announcement later in the month (at the appropriate career opportunity, we’re sure), but according to Us Weekly’s scoop — kept so under wraps that employees were not allowed to receive their advance issues yesterday, presumably for fear that People might rape and pillage the story — the marriage has been dead for some time. Well, duh.

The article has a laundry list of contributions to the break-up (mostly blamed on Jessica), including creepy-dad Joe Simpson, Jessica’s “diva” behavior, and her fondness for whiskey on the rocks. One of those ubiquitous sources close to the couple says, “Jessica’s the problem. She’s not the girl America fell in love with anymore.” Oh, young America, were you ever really in love with her? Or were you just lusting? C’mon, be honest.

And now, a moment of silence, please, so that we might hear the sound of every magazine editor in town simultaneously shitting themselves.

Hmmm. I say their marriage ain't over until the hideous faux-punk sister lip-synchs, but then, I'm an optimist. This sham marriage of convenience will live through these rough patches, I'm sure of it! For the sake of the children, if nothing else.

Oh, right.

For the sake of her career, if nothing else! And don't forget, Jessica is a Christian dipsomaniac daddy's dirl diva, after all...