My weekly card readings have become a huge part of my practice and healing, something that I have begun to both look forward to and cherish before I go to bed on a Sunday. There was a time when I used to worry about reading my cards, for fear that they will tell me something I don’t want to hear. It wouldn’t be the first time but when they do tell me less than pleasant things it is always for my own good in the long run. No-one likes facing the fact that they have to look deeper at themselves, their issues and their own downfalls and that they need to make changes in order to grow.

My cards this week were both comforting and a call to action. I’ve known for a while that I’m carrying a lot of fear around with me. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared of moving forward in my whole life as I am about this move. The longer I go unable to find somewhere to move to that will suit us the more fearful I have become. The first card in my reading reminded me of this, how my fear still exists at the root and that it is the block that’s stopping my progress in all aspects of my life.

I’m a worrier at heart, I’ve never been particularly good at dealing with stress and anxiety which is, by nature, rooted in fear. I’m not talking about pushing it to one side or distracting myself from my fear for a while, I’m talking about finding the root cause of my fear and dealing with it as it crops up and grows; bravely facing my fear head on deep down where it exists inside of me.

So I was sitting at my desk today stewing, wondering just how I’m supposed to do that and asking for guidance when a meditative exercise came to mind, just begging to be written down and I’d like to share it with everyone so that, if you are dealing with similar issues, you can try it for yourself to see if it will help.

Face Your Fear Meditation:

See your life stretch before you as a road that you are travelling down. It runs both in front and behind through different locations that represent different points in your life. At times the path forks but always runs in the same direction. What is around you as you walk the path right now? How do you feel about your current location? Ahead on the path you see something blocking the way. It could be an object, person, creature, wall or obstacle for example. What is it and how do you feel about it’s presence? Ask it why it’s here and listen to it’s response whether it be vocal or more of a feeling. Whatever you sense from it is valid. When you are ready concentrate on your heart chakra, feel it filling with light, love and acceptance of this representation of your fear. Say whatever you need to say to it and something along the lines of “thank you for the lesson you have brought me. Go in peace and love as I need you not.” Embrace the person/conquer the obstacle/see it diminish and disappear in front of you, whatever feels right to you and move past it, continuing along your path without looking back.

I find that one of the hardest things to do is put myself out there, in any form I feel it makes me vulnerable and my fear of being disliked or ridiculed or looked down on has stopped me doing a lot that I’ve wanted to do. I’ve grown a lot in the last five years or so, since I discovered my independence and strength as a single mum, but breaking through those fears and barriers has been and still is very hard. This blog is ‘safe’ for me. I can express myself and share a bit of myself without worrying about the reaction I will get or having to deal face to face with anyone which is where most of my bad experiences have stemmed from. Starting making a few youtube videos was a massive step for me as I’m incredibly nervous about sharing my voice and my face with the world (ok, so I’m still working up to the latter). Sometimes I wish I didn’t have these anxieties, I wish I didn’t care and I was normal like anyone else. That I didn’t dread making or answering the phone when I don’t know who’s on the other end, that I didn’t feel sick going somewhere new or being around people I don’t know.

And yet, unless we’re brave and put ourselves out there we will never go anywhere. We have to take a chance and hope for the best and try not to berate ourselves too much if it doesn’t go as planned.

I’m not always strong, I don’t think anyone can be all the time and sometimes when we take those brave steps forward it leads to us having to retreat. This last month has been really rough for me, filled with a lot of stress, fear, doubt and frustration and has consisted of me edging forward, not even stepping, but just inching along before running a mile back to hide, lick my wounds and recover from the exhaustion that seems to accompany being brave. Last week in particular was a real low point. I put on a brave face of course, to the outside world I daresay I looked fine but inside and at home when the doors were closed I most definitely was not. I had to do something though, I had to put myself out there and try to inch forward even though it felt like I was waist deep in treacle making progress near impossible while my arms and head flailed and cried and shouted in frustration.

I’m not in such a dark place today, I’m still not feeling like I’m surrounded by rainbows and unicorns but I’m not surrounded by blackness either which means I need to heal a little more and then start the excruciating process of edging forward again. I’m reminded quite well of a line from one of my son’s Thomas The Tank Engine films, funnily enough it’s been replaying through my mind for a while to remind me to be brave and put myself out there. In the film Percy is scared of monsters in the dark when he meets an engine called Gator who he first mistakes for a monster. Gator teaches Percy a thing or two about fear and how running away isn’t brave or going to deal with the problem. It might feel safe but the problem is always going to be there and eventually you have to face it to be free. Percy does manage to face his fears in the end and he realises that being brave doesn’t mean not being scared. Being brave is doing something even though you are scared.