My life… in the clouds

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Monthly Archives: September 2014

No worries, I am fine, strong and fit! However, I have been dealing with problems at the workplace which haunt me day & night. It’s hard to realize, after 10 years of hard working, that you don’t belong to your workplace anymore. It’s been tough and it is challenging to cope with frustration. I can’t go into details but it would suffice sharing the following thoughts (sorry for the bullet points. I am not a big fan of “points” but this is all I can come up with at the moment):

– I am not independent as I would like to be. Despite my experience, I still have to ask for permission for things that I should do without asking. This is a minor problem, though.

– As I said, after 10 years, because my position hasn’t changed much and my career is stuck, I dared to say – for the very first time- “NO” to something that I have always done. I said “I am not doing this anymore”. The result is that I am being ignored. My work is ignored. Obviously, I feel bad about it.

– As a consequence, the focus of the group is now on things which are not important! Things that won’t bring money nor excellence. I don’t agree with this approach for obvious reasons but… I am not the boss and the boss is not “with me” at the moment. Actually, the boss doesn’t give a shit about my situation.

– I am increasingly isolated (voluntarily and involuntarily) and I always work at home. When I go to the office I feel like a ghost, seen and unseen at the same time.

– I have worked for 3 years in a row in a very important project. I am invited to speak at an important event about the overall results. Someone who SHOULD come, who should show interest in all I HAVE DONE, is not coming. This is very disrespectful but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ll do my best, as usual but still…you can imagine how I feel. It like saying: “I don’t give a fuck about your work” which is probably true. However, I have worked on behalf of an entire team and have fulfilled the expectations. So, going there without “support” from my own team does not make me feel good.

I don’t have good news. This is all for now. Just to say that this not a good moment. Actually, it’s pretty bad.

We met a few years ago. I know his family, he knows mine. We like each other, we get along but I wouldn’t consider him as a “close” friend. He is someone I really get along with and I really like as a person. And I am sure he feels the same. He is good looking but I have never been sexually attracted to him despite being very nice. Ok, to be honest I should add that we are both “taken” otherwise … well, the history is not made of ” what if”.

That said, I keep dreaming that we are together. And I know (in the dream) that it’s wrong but nonetheless there are kisses and even plans for travels! This is very strange. It has never happened to me before. I don’t know what to make of it.

Yesterday we watched When the night by Cristina Comencini. It’s a disturbing but worth seeing movie as it revolves around aspects of motherhood rarely revealed either in books or in movies. I was deeply touched by the film to the point that I immediately downloaded the book which is, by the way, written by the director. First, the setting: a mountain village where a mum goes for “vacation” with her kid. For reasons I cannot explain, I am equally attracted and repelled by the mountains. By the same token, pregnancy and maternity are fascinating and scary to me.

High mountains are not for me. I don’t feel at ease. Perhaps it’s the cold or maybe the fact that I don’t ski. However, I like being surrounded by nature and silence. That said, I feel really claustrophobic. I would never live in a mountain village.

So the main character goes to this extremely isolated place with her son and of course her problems only get worse. She meets someone who plays a crucial role in her relationship with baby. They are attracted to each other but nothing happens… and now I should stop here as I don’t want you to tell you the whole story.

What is so disturbing?

The place where is set and her efforts to be a good mother despite all the drawbacks of maternity which are clearly and deeply analyzed in the movie. Maternity changes everything and can be nightmare. This is probably true for many women but … it’s not “socially” ok to talk about it. Not yet and not everywhere. Having kids is not always great and no one is ready to deal with little babies.

When the night is imbued with anxiety, that is with love. What is love if not anxiety which, at some point, appears and haunts you like a ghost?

How does a mum feel when she has to deal with cries and lack of sleep for years and years? How is loving and almost hating your baby? What about the marriage? And what happens when a complete stranger – like in the film- saves you from yourself? Will you ever forget him?

I am back from the short but relaxing summer break. We went to Greece. The place was lovely and yes, we miss the sun & everything already. Just so you know that the pessimistic attitude “drowned” in the Mediterranean sea. I feel much better now. I guess I was just overworked and extremely stressed. I am now catching up with many things although I am still on holiday mode and haven’t done much so far. Actually, I haven’t done ANYTHING but we just got back. What do you expect?!