Folks, here’s an update of sorts. We went to the doctor today and guess what she told me? Guess what she told me. She said boy you better have fun no matter what you do. Because you’re a fool, nothing compares to you two. Nothing compares to you! ♪

Wow, that was totally random and I apologize for that. I just can’t think straight after today’s visit to the doctor. Work is stressing me out a bit with office politics and my wife is 2 centimeters dilated. Yes, that’s not 7 centimeters or anything, but it’s something. Not only that, but the prostaglandins* are on the loose. They are like opportunistic street thugs or some shit. See the "term du jour" below for alternate definitions.

Damn, I’m flipping out a bit because my hands are shaking as I type this in between bites of blueberry yogurt. I do realize a person can remain at 2 centimeters dilated for a couple weeks so yeah… only time will tell. I best get cracking on my Harry Potter reading. I’m currently on page 62 of the first book and I’m reading in other locations of the house. Don’t ask! I will be playing soccer tonight should any of you need to find me. I will be running off much of this nervous energy. Don’t fret, the soccer field is in between our house and the hospital.

Alrighty, let me attempt to focus on work for a bit. Yeah right… first child on the way means I’m highly productive at work.

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Pregnancy term du jour: "prostaglandins" –> some secretion you can read about here or you can go with my more basic approach. It apparently stimulates the cervix and naturally encourages contractions. Sex is a fine way to release prostaglandins, yet it’s not the only way. Or you could mess with people and say it’s your favorite dinner dish. Eat your heart out people!

Pants – why play Tetris in the bathroom stall when you can read Harry Potter? Ha, you know I kid Pants.
Brandy – tell me about it! Oh the drama is just about to unfold in my life right before this very blog.
Tori – right about now is when I wish I didn’t have to be at work. Focussing while here is ridiculous. I’m likely to tear off someone’s head and have come close a few times. Anyways, yes I’m very excited.

Wow Egan. I honestly don’t even know where to begin to comment with this post. I can’t focus after reading it.
Um…hey…I totally volunteered you to do some stuff next week. Is that cool? Awesome. You’re the best. I know I didn’t ask first, but I figured that you woudln’t mind. I mean….Tiger Woods wasn’t there when his baby was born, right?

Brother #3 – can you say soccer? I’m going to run up and down that field all night long. No standing around for me! I will shoot the ball often and do jumping jacks too. Latch hook rugs are boring and not something I should be doing. I have one about a third completed at mom’s house somewhere. Go Rams!

Yikes? Really! Sounds so juicy! Dammit, I wish I had access to my email! POOOO!!!
This is keeping me sane. Or at least sane enough not to shove office supplies in my eyes.http://weboggle.shackworks.com/

Talk about updates, 2cm – that’s something. There’s so much excitement and energy from everyone here I can only imagine how you are feeling.
Thanks for haveing the ability to contain yourself at least long enough to update us because we are all so jazzed for ya dude.

Amanda – Tall Chick has already offered to do the dirty work. All I have to do is purchase a camcorder to make it happen. Fair enough.
Pants – talk about a great way to kill some time. I scored three points though because I could only think of French words.
Chris – you said jazzed. Yeah, two centimeters is something. It’s not like 32 weeks and hardly preggers either. Kidding, no disrespect to pregnant women in their 32nd week. The third trimester ladies/spouses need to stick together.

Mez – it’s the least I can offer right now. I think both of exhaled audibly as we exited the doctor’s office this morning. Wow, it truly is crunch time. Why must I be at work while all this excitement is just about to happen? I guess that asshole Tiger Woods can do it. Guys are just a bother in the delivery room, or so I was told by a prominent co-worker of mine.

Golden – I noticed a word you didn’t pluck in the mix was “scared”. Thanks for that. I’m complete confident and such. Show me the baby! Shaking is cool especially when typing.
McEwen – I’m like a rock, all stoic and shit. I just glanced in the mirror, still solid as nails.
Pants – I thought you were a huffer.
Airam – a daddy, a daddy, a daddy! Man oh man is my world about to be turned upside down. Let the fun begin.

my friend “E” said that all men should be removed from the delivery room – that it’s just waaaay too much information. I say if they want togetherness they should be hooked up with electrodes to their private parts so they can feel every excruciating moment.
As it goes, she is married – while I am considering dating my fish. yepppppp.

Mez – I want to be in the delivery room. I’m sure some dads may find it a bit too much to stomach, but if my wife is going through the pain of birth.. I’m there. I have to be there. I want to witness as much of it as possible. I think your suggestion regarding electrodes is good, very good. Does your fish have a name?

Amanda – yeah all giddy is right. I’m there. I should be creating phone scripts right now, but I’d much rather type something fun and interesting. Phone scripts are for losers. I don’t need no fucking phone scripts. How’s that for surly/giddy? I think I need more giddy in the mix. Baby Anna is a coming. From what I read, once the membranes are ruptured… it’s only a few more days. That’s what the good folks at Babycenter.com tell me. Woot woot! Oh yeah, I’m superdopefly!

Yeah, you definitely needed more giddy in there. After the “I don’t need no fucking phone scripts.” You should have added a “WOOHOO!!!’ in there. Phone scripts can suck it.
Few more days, dude. those words make me almost poop my pants so I can only imagine what they’re doing to you and Mrs. L.
Ok, you have a good night, yo. Seriously – if the 2 cm increases overnight, I hope you have a way to let us all know. Because I know that’s going to be the first thing on your mind – “must. let. bloggers. know….”

Amanda – you will know pretty fast when the baby is born. I have plans in place to make sure the blog world learns about it promptly. Sprizee has graciously offered to update my blog. So I will call her and she will post for me. Yippee!
Sprizee – well thank you very much. I think I’m better if I’m not sitting at my desk. I can move around, hug people, observe bad parking, and random acts of kindness. Thanks for great gifts. The bouncing monkey rocks! Oh yeah the “treehugger” and “Anna” onesies are so freaking adorable. You’re a great friend. Thanks for meeting up today. It was great to see you! I gather next time we meet, Anna will be here. Wilson Phillips! I guess it’s not fair of me to mock John Mayer when I once owned WP’s CD.

“Don’t fret, the soccer field is in between our house and the hospital.”
So if the wife goes into labor, she can run to the soccer field and then you can drive her to the hospital? And they say chivalry is dead!

Meno – you have it all wrong. I will answer my phone while on the field, put on my cape, fly to the house, and then put Mrs. Lessinges under my arm. We’ll fly there.
Okay, she’s likely to come with me to the game or I will just drive back to the house and snag her. I hear the way the water breaks in movies is completely fake. I don’t know though, maybe they’ve got it all wrong.
I’m so chivalrous it hurts. I’ve been to every doctor’s appointment yo!

Placenta. That word gives me the shivers. The same kind I get when I see Jack Nicholson smile and do that wonky thing with his eyebrows. I heard that Cindy Crawford and her husband kept the placenta and buried it under their favourite tree. Maybe you could bury yours, well not yours, I guess it’s Anna’s, near your favourite swimming pool? Think about it.

Hmm. I think I might have told you about Cindy Crawford and the placenta planted under the tree story before. Sigh. Or as Amanda would say, Le sigh. Can you tell I’m stalling from going to meet the Dutchess at the track? I’m not up for being timed today.

I’m thinking that when you first lay your eyes on baby Anna, you will be thinking “Nothing Compares, Nothing Compares to you” (wish I could do those musical note thingys). Now I’ll have Sinead O’Connor stuck in my head all night. Wow, 2cm. Only 8 more to go.

Wow…between the Wilson Philips and the Sinead O’Connor references, I’ve been transported back to middle school and me sitting in my bedroom taping music from the radio (for you Airam) and singing into my hairbrush:“Some day somebody’s gonna make you want to turn around and say goodbye (say goodbye…)
Until then baby are you going to let them hold you down and make you cry
Don’t you know? (Don’t you know) Things can change.
Things’ll go your way if you hold on for one more day yeah
If you hold on….”
Yup…that was all from memory, yo.
How was your soccer game? Still at 2cm? I’m glad Sprizee’s gonna step in and let us all know when the little monkey is born.

Blueberry yogurt is my favorite. Any updates? Which clearly there are not, or they would be here but I had to ask anyway. I can’t wait!
Amanda-I knew I was older than you, but I didn’t realize how much older until I read that you listened to that music in middle school. It was popular my last year in high school! I dated a guy who used to love Wilson Philips. When he was driving, he would stop the tape after his favorite song and rewind to listen again. I am so sick of particular songs that if I never hear them again, it wouldn’t be terrible.
Egan-I’ll be thinking of you and your wife, and hoping everything goes well (and quick would probably be good too.) I can’t wait to read your feelings on the birth. For me it was the very best thing ever each time. I still remember every detail from each birth.

Amanda- I used to love that Wilson Phillips song so much that I cried when I sang along to it. Because apparently when you are in jr. high and you are listening to three sisters talk about breaking free from the chains, it’s really powerful stuff.

I’m sitting here with a huge smile on my face because I am so glad I’ve found your blog and have been able to read about your experience as you prepare for fatherhood.
And I’m SO excited about all of the upcoming posts once Anna arrives. Your take on parenting is sure to entertain us all!!

Kale Rae – thanks for the well wishes. This is when it gets exciting, we have zero clue when things are really going to happen.
Steppingoverthejunk – eating yogurt is a hobby of mine and it’s all I can do to get my mind off of baby thoughts.
Tim – screw iPod sock giveaways, the placenta is really the only way to go. You’re a smart man.
Patches – the speed bag would kick my ass. At least in soccer I can take my aggressions out on some inflatable round object… and I did.
Brandy – I have heard this story about Cindy Crawford and a tree, but I don’t think it was from you. I think it was from my good pal Mary Hart. Jack Nicholson doesn’t do it for you eh?
Brandy – Pink sends her love. She told me you took a 13 minute shower today. Conserve yo!
Airam – you’ve got to stop taking me so literally. You’re only making things harder on yourself.
Justrun – that was a good song, in its day. It doesn’t sound so great nowadays. I’m tuning out the politics for obvious reasons. It’s better that way.
L – okay, no more pregnancy vocab it is. You win. I’m cracking on the Potter. It’s a good reason thus far.
Lynn – I love Sinead’s voice. There’s something so very cool about the Irish accent. It’s Dilation Nation.
Amanda – did you own WP though? I got it free as part of my Columbia House freebies. We won our soccer match 3-0 and I had an assist. No goals though, I have plenty of those at work. Hoowaa! Sprizee is a great pal for posting when I’m out.
Tori – now if you’re calling Amanda young and I’m older than you, does that make me Father Time? Just curious. There are no updates so to speak. My wife said she did feel very energetic this morning which is exactly how her friend felt the day before she went into labor. Thanks for the positive vibes Tori. You can remember every detail? Did you not take any drugs ever?
Brookem – “are you comfortable with the pain” Brookem?
Brookem – look at you go. Hold on, for one more day. This is a great labor song.
Kerry – this is precisely what I hear which makes it all the more exciting. I got to get my ducks in a row. Quack quack.
Brandy – you’re a hoot. That’s such a funny way to look at it. I’m not sure I ever cried, but I think I had a crush on one of them. Not the annoying one though that had her stomach stapled.
Chaos Control – hey, that’s a nice compliment. You’re likely to make my head swell if you keep it up. I hope you enjoy the offerings of this blog. It’s going to get very very interesting here any day. Your excitement is doing a number on me.
Tall Chick – are you sure that’s your laptop? I didn’t score, but I had an assist. You’re naughty.
QT – correct, she will be here anyday and I will be on diaper, swaddling, and the 5 S’s duty. The five Ss rule. Pluralizing the letter S is really odd.
Amanda – last I heard she was still pregnant. Brookem loves John Mayer and JD Fortune.
Brookem – I do a similar thing with my Playlist titles. Mine are Muscles, Ironman, Shag, MINI, and Self Exploration.
Tall Chick – those kids of yours are out of control. You need to reel them back in a bit. Maybe you can have them watch a great sci-fi movie.
Tall Chick – I can’t believe you had a typo. I’m so disappointed in you.

Carnie? Whoa. It’s one thing to admit to listening to Wilson Phillips and crying because you feel like they are the only ones who understand you, it’s completely different when you admit that you know their names. Although, I think the stomach stapled one is the only one I know. And the blonde one- didn’t she marry a Baldwin? Maybe ask Mary Hart next time you hang out.

Brandy – see, this is precisely why you rock. You know some of their names. Shit, I know Chyna’s name and that she spells it like some freak because she doesn’t want to be associated with a country. Shit, I also know they’re the offspring of some band called the Mammas & Pappas. Yikes, these are confessions I should save for my intervention. Dammit all to hell! Mary Hart isn’t aging too well, but I really don’t think she’s had any work done on her. She looks very natural.
Brandy – Brookem has weird musical tastes, but I will give her mad props on the Wilson Phillips songs. Stiffie alert!
Brandy – at least you had someone breaking up with you in middle school. I, on the other hand (yikes) had to say “I wish I could quit you” to nobody. Quite sad if you think about it.
Liv – my wife woke up this morning and declared that Anna is still inside her belly. I was then able to exhale. I like updates such as this one, my wife rocks.

Okay, so you clearly know more than me about the Wilson sisters. That’s great Egan. Little Anna will be able to tell all her friends all about three sisters who changed the music world for good. As for Mary Hart, I think her face is aging but her has great gams still- and she looks loads better than that leater face Pat O’Brien. And brookem, I dont’ think you should ever feel bad about your music choices (especially when mine are similar). Guilt isn’t worth it. To quote, “Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel this way inside?”
Is it? I think not.

Tall Chick – I never in a million years would have guessed you’d make typos in your follow-up comment. Man, you always keep me guessing. An assist is when you kick the ball really high in the air and the other team sucks so bad they don’t know how to handle the ball. Therefore a teammate of mine traps the ball and puts it in the back of the net.
Brookem – you know that show where they fix a person’s attire because it’s sketchy? Yeah… you get the picture.
Brookem – I hear you sister.
Brookem – you like those playlist suggestions don’t you? Yes, you have very weird musical tastes. Anyone that loves John Mayer is weird in my book. Yes Liv, you’re weird. I bet you love that dorky Matchbox 20 dude.. Rob.

Brandy – shit, you busted me or did I reveal myself. I went through a phase where every CD I bought (or aquired) was of the chick variety. That would include the Cranberries, Swing Out Sister, Wilson Phillips, Madonna, and many many more. I have to same some for future comments.
Mary Hart makes me sick. Her gams aren’t even that great. I do love that they make it a point to show them to us though. How thoughtful. Sounds like you have a crush on Pat O’Brien. Maybe you love Billy Bush too?
Brandy – believe it or not, I figured out the leather one. I’m so damn smart. Are you really drinking? Don’t tug at my heartstrings.
Brookem – yes, as much as you love JD Fortune and John Mayer.

Airam – HI! How goes it? I’ve been wondering about your day. How is it going? Did you get stuck in traffic? Perhaps you met a cute boy at the grocery store or while browsing for books in Chapters? Keep me posted please.

I never joke about drinking, besides, anything fruity and consumed while outside doesn’t really count. Especially when you are unemployed. Oh, and if Pat wasn’t so busy snorting cocaine off of strange women he doesn’t know, I may have a soft spot for him. As for Billy, I think he’s the John Mayer of the entertainment reporting world.

Brandy – oh yeah, I almost (almost) forgot about the coke snorting off of hookers. What was he thinking? That’s a serious CLM as we say in the land of cubicles, Career Limiting Move. I love the Billy Bush comparison. That Nancy O’Dell babe was one pretty pregnant woman. I love what she’s done with her nursery. I do hope she’s breastfeeding her little one so she gets heaps of colostrum.
Trick – are you calling me a baby? I’m not sure how to take this. I will go with compliment. I don’t have ovaries, but left nipple is raw. Shit, I didn’t mean to share that information here. Oh well, nobody reads the comments anyways.
Brookem – deny it all you want, but I think you’d love some quiet time with John Mayer. I think you’d tackle him to the ground and have your way with him. Perhaps I’m a tad off base, but I doubt it. He does have a great head of hair afterall. Rob Thomas is a tool. Yes, What Not to Wear. You likey?

Trick’s last part of their comment made me giggle. And made me decide that instead of “slightly disgruntled (may throw poo”, you might need to change your tagline to “Making ovaries hurt since January 2007” Or whenever the fuck you told us about your baby.

Amanda – I will have my pal Sprizee change the tagline on my blog immediately. I’m sure she’ll make this a top priority. Did you know Sprizee is my only paid staffer?
Brookem – What Not to Wear is easily my most favorite show on TLC. I miss the good old days of Ty when he was a loony carpenter with wicked good hair. Yes, my treat on the beer.

Amanda – I will take a stab at that line, is it from Black Stallion?
Airam – hmm, this sounds like a challenge I can easily win. I can make it happen tonight, if I don’t have to visit the hospital or pass out on the couch in the basement. I’m like so hella tired and stuff. I knew you got stuck in traffic. I’m so smart and shit.
Amanda – I told her I would do it. This is an easy game for me to win.
Airam – I know where you can find random boobie pics if you need help in that arena. Try Babycenter.com’s site.

Amanda, I think there has been some drinking involved. Well, for me anyway. But egan, well, I think he’s on something else. “An Anna’s almost here” high or something. I’ve noticed the personality switch lately but was waiting for the right moment to comment on it.

So close, Egan. So close. But I think I fucked up that quote anyway, so Brookem might be thinking, “what the hell?”
Sprizee is on your staff, huh? What’s your starting wage? Are you currently taking applications for new hires?
I was going to suggest a few other sites for Airam, but we’ll go with your suggestion, Egan.

Bloody Mary’s were not consumed today Brookem. I stuck only to drinks mixed with orange juice, so it felt more healthy. Although, bloody marys come with a celery stick (or with a pickle, which I DO NOT LIKE) so I guess they can be healthy too.

hahaha!! Brookem guessed Harry Potter. No, it’s Billy Madison when they are at that farm and the old lady goes on about horseshoes and says, “is anyone listening to me?” Like I said…I fucked it up. Love the link…poor horse.
Brandy,I think you’re right…there is a definite change in personality. I’ve noticed it too. It’s not a bad thing, though!

It’s okay. Whoever got the 100 deserved it. Poor Egan. Sometimes I feel bad for him. After comment like 80- it turns into a chat fest here. Wait. That’s not something to feel sorry for. That’s pretty cool. Way to go Egan. He’s created such a welcoming environment that we’ve all felt safe enough to share our secrets about pickles and Airam secret want to show her boobs.

Airam – you make it sound like getting an R rating is hard. Oops, I said hard.
Brandy – look how keen you are about the personality shift. I would love for a detailed explanation of what this entails on my desk by “completion of business” or COB. Can you say three shots of espresso? Woot woot!
Amanda – let’s say the pay is handsome. A Disney movie? I know for a fact it’s not a HP movie since you asked Brookem.
Brookem – you love the seeing eye ponies. Hey, is it Billy Madison?
Brandy – remind me to tell you about the time I overserved myself on Screwdrivers. It was the coolest display ever.
Brookem – I hear you have a hot date with a full head of hair this weekend.

You know, when I first started reading egan’s blog I got really overwhelmed. I was always comment like 30- something. I feel a bit bad for the bloke who adds a comment way down here. He’s going to read all of these and wonder how we got so far off topic.

Well, if there is a lurker who wants to comment but is intimidated by the orgy talk, I say leave a comment anyway. Egan’s nice and would like it. And brookem, you’ve got a date? And can I say that I want a s’more now?

We can do it!
*I think it’s at this precise moment that the rest of Egan’s more sane reader’s are staring at their screen with their mouths open and slowly shaking their heads thinking what a bunch of crazy bitches we all are.*

You guys! I WAS the mean mom at the slumber party a few days ago when my 9 year old had friends over that just would not go to sleep. I won’t do that here though…are we doing each others nails? Mine could really use it!

Bob – man, it’s a good thing I’m on top of the comments or else your nice link on pain would have been discovered with dinosaur fossils. I like that link and will share it with N-PO. You guys are at 1 cm? Woot woot! Getting closer. I want a dilatation measuring device.
Girls – I used to think I was unloved. Not anymore.

Crikey, slumber parties were about sex? Once again I missed out on that. We just hopped around in our sleeping bags trying to knock each other over. Payback is going to be a bitch in about 10 years.
Tori – welcome! I’m not sure what’s happened to my blog today. I think we can call it nervous energy.

Brandy I was thinking that we could all just post on the books that we read on our own. This way it could be a forum where we could make recommendations as well. So whatever you’re reading now … when you’ve finished reading it just go to the blog and write a review on it as opposed to all of us reading the same book at once and writing a review together.
What do you think?

OK, I am out because while I should have been supervising the showers more closely, I was reading and laughing and now I have a huge water mess to clean up in the bathroom. I hope you make it to whatever number you decide is best.
Egan-I’ll be thinking about you, and hoping to hear an update about your baby soon!
Do I still get that comment reader award even though I am skipping out a little early? I’ll come back and read all the comments, I promise!

Oh, and just wait until Mrs. Lessinges is taking her first post partum shower and is astounded to realize that Anna is indeed no longer inside her. It’s a totally surreal feeling to see your feet again.

Liv – you got comment 300! Woot woot! I had to calm things down a bit so I turned off commenting for a short while.
Airam – I think Amanda will laugh and then throw darts at a cardboard cut out of me.
Brookem – how very kind of you to share. You can try and confuse Brandy all you want, but we all know you’re going to suck face this weekend.

I’m really liking the idea. Although the wikipedia has opened my eyes to even more interesting ideas. Like a lotus birth or a caul birth. As you can see my ability to stay focused at work is breaking down.

Brookem – should a feline really be drinking beer? I bet those people who aren’t happy with Michael Vick would be all over your ass.
Amanda – was the cold shower to your liking?
Amanda – I can feel the love. It’s very much appreciated. Thank you. Shall we have a blooming onion to celebrate?
Brookem – Chris is probably shaking his head at all these comments. I was notified by Typepad that my blog went over the USDA requirement for comments.
Sprizee – your comment sort of trivializes this post. I must put something new up. You see there are 300+ comments on this post right? This should prove my focus level. And that number would be higher if I didn’t turn the comments off for a while.
M – don’t be fooled by the comments that I got. I’m still, I’m still Eggie from the block. Thank you for the well wishes. It’s been a while since you last stopped by. Nice to hear from you again.
Brookem – I have added this information to your file.
Bob – do you write stuff for Wikipedia man? I vaguely recall you saying you do.

Bob – are you thinking about those? I remember seeing the caul stuff in our birthing class. And they chatted about leaving the umbilical cord too. You’re a good man with a full head of hair. These are admirable qualities.