~ Weight, Sex, and Marriage (and Motherhood); aka How to Raise Adrenaline Starved Thrill-seekers and Still be Fat and Happy.

If Your Dog Isn’t In Band, You Should Read This

From SimplyBekah: Bekah’s 25 Tips, Tricks, and Parenting Observations –Tip # 10: “If you plan to get a pet to see if you can parent, please note that the behavior similarities between a toddler and say a dog is best shown in a half crazed Jack Russell Terrier. On crack. 24hrs a day. Can’t find that dog? Stop comparing dog ownership to child rearing then!”

I HAVE THAT DOG!

I read Bekah’s 25 Tips blog the same day we had our first session with the dog trainer which is the same day I realized we should have met with a dog trainer before we had children 22 years ago.

Training a dog is pretty simple (as long as you are not us). It’s all about being the alpha dog. Basically, you follow these steps:

1. Give them the look. Hopefully, the dog will stop the negative behavior upon eye contact.
2. If not, move in their direction.
3. Still no luck, use a verbal cue like “hey.”
4. When all else fails, apply physical pressure.

Please note how there is no mention of negotiating with the dog or asking the dog to “use his words.”

I don’t believe in spanking (which reminds me of another one of Bekah’s tips: Tip # 12 “You want to hear people go batshit crazy? Tell them you don’t ‘believe’ in something they do when it comes to kids. i.e. breastfeeding vs. formula or to immunize or not” ), and I definitely do not condone pulling the Tinker Bell necklace up around your child’s neck and behind her ears (with the clasp under the chin) until she licks or yawns.

However, Tony and I probably should have let our children know who the leaders of the pack were before we found ourselves cleaning up after our son’s college graduation party; scrubbing the sticky red stuff dripping down the back of _______ (fill in the blank with any item one would find in a college apartment), and using a toothbrush to clean the red sticky stuff that was stuck to the grout in the bathroom he shared with six guys for three years (Bekah has already discovered Magic Eraser – Tip # 17 – so she has 16 years to teach her two year old how to use it before she becomes us).

If we had established ourselves as the alpha dogs (can there really just be one) early on, we would have never ended up in this position:

Do you see an able bodied college student anywhere in this picture? Trust me, we are not moving that hideous piece of furniture (yes with red sticky stuff in between the cushions) into our OWN apartment, yet we moved it along with several other heavy items one would not find decorating our home, three times without any help from our marathon running, bungee jumping, river rafting, rock climbing, scuba diving sons who have four working appendages each while Tony and I only have three between us.

And, and this is the clincher, we were downright giddy about it.

If you have found yourself in similar situations, you may have some alpha dog issues. For instance, have you ever played “I spy with my little eye . . .” with yourself in a soft, soothing mommy voice just in case the little guy in the backseat wakes up? Have you ever purchased a plastic toy out of a gumball machine knowing full well that it was going to end up in the vacuum cleaner at the carwash in twenty minutes (you may as well shove a dollar bill up the hose while you are at it)? Have you ever asked your little one to “use his words” only to get the response “angry, angry, angry, angry,” barked repeatedly and loudly so everyone in the restaurant gives you the look? Let’s face it, you are the only person in the room who is not an alpha dog; you need a dog trainer!

Last week, the dog trainer helped us understand how we ended up . . . being the kids.

The most important thing we learned: The dog doesn’t want to be in charge. Having to control everything stresses him out, so he misbehaves (barks for four hours, tries to eat through the door, lunges at small children and old ladies with walkers, says he’s going to a movie, but goes to a party instead – you thought I was talking about the dog?).

Once you realize that your dog will be more relaxed in a calm, submissive state then you no longer need to feel guilty about expecting him to behave in public or pee in an appropriate place (and you can expect him to explain to his friends that the buckets in Erland’s driveway are not for urine, they are to keep people dogs off of his driveway– we would prefer his friends use our bathroom rather than set off Erland’s motion detector lights at 3:00 a.m. because we are really tired of Erland confronting us about our lack of alpha dog skills). Lack of guilt will allow you to mean what you say (can you really live without your dog watching TV for a week? Then don’t say it!) and follow through. Note the bold print, that’s me really helping you out.

Unfortunately, following through is so much work! It’s so much easier to just let him do what he wants, but then we will never be able to leave him home alone without worrying about our house being destroyed. One has to ask one’s self, does one want to do the hard work now or does one want to be scrubbing the bathroom grout of six full grown, hairy dogs when one is old and tired?

Let’s review:

1. A misbehaving, stressed out dog is an unhappy dog. He wants calm, he doesn’t want to be in charge, he needs leadership.

2. The way to let a dog know one is the the alpha dog is to follow these simple steps:

a. Give them the look (Is your homework done? Raised eyebrows in direction of laptop.).
b. Move in their direction (Let’s see it. Move toward the laptop.).
c. Use a verbal cue like “hey” (Say “hey,” then point at the inappropriate video on YouTube that is not homework).
d. Apply pressure (“If you do not finish your homework, I’m going to go to Senior English with you tomorrow and hold your hand during the entire class.” Mean what you say.).

3. Follow through.

I forgot the most important part of the training; be relaxed and don’t worry. You can’t just pretend to be relaxed and unworried because unlike you, your dog knows when you are not telling the truth (folks, if your dog isn’t practicing his trumpet on Saturday night while watching reruns of The Gilmore Girls, then he’s at a party consuming something red and sticky). If you are not relaxed and worry-free, your dog will sense your weakness, he will know you are not in charge, and he will start acting out all of his angst, or as Bekah pointed out act “Half crazed. On crack. 24 hours a day.”

Accomplishing this state of relaxation and worry-freeness is what has Tony and I stumped which, unfortunately, is why our dog has us wrapped around his little paw.

Final Note: If all else fails, teach your dog how to play an instrument and make sure you never let him drop band, or . . . invest in a breathalyzer.

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18 thoughts on “If Your Dog Isn’t In Band, You Should Read This”

I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t feel grateful for having dogs instead of children! Really – I don’t know how you parents do it. All the nice useful tools like a crate, a shock collar, chew bones, and a tie-out just aren’t available to parents. And that’s a bummer!

Hope your dog troubles get better soon! (By the way, I’d never use a shock collar on my dogs.)

You know, there should have been a trade-in option. I’ll trade my kid at _______ stage for a hyper Jack Russell terrier who will respond to the look. At this point, the “look” now shows up on the kids’ faces, leading them to bursts of laughter and a slightly uncomfortable feeling in my heart…

You had me laughing out loud at this post! Rich & I have been talking about “getting Charlie straightened out” when we get home after seeing all the well-behaved dogs on the street & on the tube. Think we can do in 6 weeks what we haven’t done on any dog (this is #4) or any kid (of two) in the last 35 years? Doubtful. I never told anyone about cleaning the college bathrooms, I was afraid to admit it. Knowing that you molly-coddle your kids is hard to admit, but far harder to change!

Very funny ! Years ago a book was published something to the effect of “train your man like you train your dog”. It totally works (praise, scratch behind the ears, treats….). I was also told 3 years AFTER getting a golden retriever that I should not own a dog smarter than I am….yeh, tooooooo late. (the dog could spell!)
OH, I know several people who tried the “get a dog first” idea and decided not to graduate to kids, so maybe it is effective :)

Our dog can spell, too. He knows W-A-L-K and G-O. The trainer pointed out that we should not have to spell things in front of our dog or leave the TV on and sneak out when we want to leave (which I guess is sort of like Ralphie telling us “good night,” turning his bedroom lights off, stuffing pillows under his blankets, and going out the back window to a party – he made two mistakes 1) it was 9:00 p.m. on Saturday, and 2) tire tracks in the snow).

I had to get a papersack and breathe in and out of it for a few moments after reading this post. It was hilarious until I realized that I have a 13 year old GIRL who is about to go down the same roads as your son. I’ve got to go out now and purchase a chastity belt, breathalyzer and GPS tracking device that can be inserted under the skin of her arm. Thanks for the heads up!

I am absolutely cracking up. What joy I have found in my dog, and in the predictability of working with her. The parenting thing is much harder, and at this point, much less rewarding in most ways. I truly believe this will change; we just have a little farther to go. Reminds me of working with my dog. People really are impressed with how well she behaves on the leash, how she follows fun commands. I remind them she’s still young and unpredictable, but she’s getting it, and is far better behaved than not. She’s 2 1/2. I could say the same thing about my kids being better behaved more often than not, but I am not sure I quite believe that! Thanks for sharing this and making me laugh out loud!