You Know You're a Writer When…

We’ve been talking about some heavy stuff the past several posts, so I figured it was time for a bit of levity. We writers are different *eye twitches* for sure, but the world would be SO boring without us.

You Know You’re a Writer When…

You’ve learned that regular people are cute, and no longer get offended with this conversation.

Regular Person: What do you do?

Writer: I’m a writer.

Regular Person: No, I mean, what’s your real job?

You’ve come to understand that writers are a lot like unicorns. Everyone knows about them, they’ve simply never seen a REAL ONE.

You Know You’re a Writer When…

The NSA, CIA and FBI no longer bother with you. Likely, they know you by name and now outsource to the creepy ice cream truck to just make a few passes and check to make sure you’re still at your computer.

You Know You’re a Writer When…

When it comes to revisions, you actually contemplate hanging one of those cheap pine tree air fresheners around your neck because bathing or showering or eating or changing clothes will interrupt your mojo.

You Know You’re a Writer When…

You’re on such a roll with the WIP that you’ve forgotten a “real” world exists (including laundry). You’re down to wearing your husband’s socks and he’s either going commando or is forced to wear that thong given to him on his 40th birthday as a joke gift. The kids? Hell, they went feral a week ago.

You Know You’re a Writer When…

You take a break from writing to go to the store and, on the way, begin untangling a plot problem. You finally realize you’re in the next state and have no idea how you got there. But good news is, you now know which poison is best to kill off the character modeled after that cheerleader who bullied you through high school. It’s the poison that will make her fat and wrinkly before she dies slowly from terminal acne.

You Know You’re a Writer When…

You appreciate that if Febreeze is good enough for the couch, why not hose the preschooler? Hey, you spent extra for the anti-microbial one. It kills germs *rolls eyes*. Now your tot smells like a Hawaiian Breeze and his cooties can’t hurt others. You should get a freaking MEDAL for this kind of creativity.

You Know You’re a Writer When…

You’ve been diagnosed with Tourette’s, Multiple-Personality Disorder or both. It’s tough to explain you were simply working out dialogue when strapped to a gurney. But the upside is when they sedate you, it’s the only vacation you’ve had in months and insurance might even cover it. SCORE!

You Know You’re a Writer When…

You’re no longer invited to family events because they can’t take the incessant correction of their grammar.

Chickens are done, people are FINISHED.

You Know You’re a Writer When…

You’re automatically safe from any episode of Hoarders because when you get enough books? Others naturally assume you’re a LIBRARY. Hey, maybe you can apply for government funding. Scratch that. Then, you’d have to let people borrow your books.

You Know You’re a Writer When…

You willingly suffer frostbite hiding in a grocery freezer eavesdropping a couple’s fight, because dialogue that epic is worth a losing pinkie toe. Your coffee table’s already tried to assassinate it 342 times anyway.

You Know You’re a Writer When…

You’ve been mistaken for Gollum multiple times, because strangers found you in a dark corner whispering “My precious….” and it was just you and your Kindle.

You Know You’re a Writer When…

You plow over the entire Kardashian family, because OMG there’s DEAN KOONTZ!

Speaking of the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer, you actually bought one, not only to support the greatest comedic writing in human history, but also to screw with the TSA. Can you get it through airport security without a full-body search? Hide it near your shoulders and FREE NECK MASSAGE!

You Know You’re a Writer When…

You’ve made it onto the Mormon and Jehova’s Witness DO NOT CALL LIST because you will only promise to convert with purchase of YOUR BOOKS (and favorable 5-star reviews).

You Know You’re a Writer When…

You watch the reality show Oddities and recognize your friends and a few members of your critique group. “Hey, are they buying that used straight-jacket and shrunken head for me? Awww, how thoughtful…”

You Know You’re a Writer When…

Every time some overblown Third World dictator threatens to destabilize the world, all you can think is, “Pfft. Amateur.”

Have any to add? I know you do. So, “You Know You’re a Writer When….”

I LOVE hearing from you!

To prove it and show my love, for the month of January, everyone who leaves a comment I will put your name in a hat. If you comment and link back to my blog on your blog, you get your name in the hat twice. What do you win? The unvarnished truth from yours truly. I will pick a winner once a month and it will be a critique of the first 20 pages of your novel, or your query letter, or your synopsis (5 pages or less).

Reblogged this on Diving into Dark Minds and commented:
Truly funny, truly true, and I couldn’t help myself to NOT reblog it. I usually don’t do this, but call it a favor Ms. Lamb for your awesome humor. 🙂 Thanks for a good laugh this day!

Laurie, you’re so right! Before I got divorced my husband put dry-erase boards on two walls of our bedroom because I would get up in the middle of the night and just need a place to write before the stuff left my brain.

OMG I Can’t stop laughing…I love this post. And my kindle is ‘precious’. You know you’re a writer when you hang out on your teens twitter sites (and their friends) just to make sure you get the lingo right…lol Made my day.

You know you’re a writer when the thought of sending a text message or posting a comment online with a grammar or spelling error makes you twitch (more than usual). You sacrifice herbs and fruit at the alter in praise of the Facebook gods who allow editing of comments and …. (Happy Dancing like Snoopy on speed) POSTS! (I read this five times before I clicked ‘Post Comment’ … rewrote part of it twice … *sigh*)

Oh God yes. With Facebook there is still the horror of the posted comment reading “edited” as a constant reminder, to you and everyone else, that you made a mistake. Was absolutely mortified this morning when I realised that when I set this blog up last week I had misspelt my user name. And been commenting on a blog. A writing blog. The shame!

This is great! Nothing like finishing the week off with a great laugh, and kind of scary rolled in to one. Eek! I’m still not dressed, drinking coffee, and my butt has made a permanent indentation in my office chair. Oops, it might be time for a shower break too! 😛

Reblogged this on Lynne St. James and commented:
I love Kristen Lamb, if you’re an author and now following her yet you are definitely missing out! She’s informative, funny and WANA is the best group ever! So…are you a writer? I can relate to way too many of her points!

I HAVE been taking life too serious lately! Just what I needed to start off my weekend, a few good belly rolls.
I knew I was a writer when I went to speak to my daughter’s class and when I used a big word, one of the students raised his hand and told me that my daughter was the only one who knew what those big words meant! (She doesn’t understand why anyone has trouble knowing where to place commas either, lol).

My nephew did that. I used to watch them so brother and sister-in-law could go full-time to college and I would write. A teacher told nephew (Age 6) he’d “done good” and he replied, “Chickens are done, people are well.” LOLOLOLOLOL.

Reblogged this on Alicia M. Rodriguez and commented:
Absolutely check out Kristen Lamb’s blog if you breathe writing! This post on “You know you’re a writer when…” will make you think twice about mumbling to yourself as you sit in Starbucks drafting your newest novel!

You know you are a writer when you sit quietly in the Starbucks, nursing the least expensive coffee they have, while creating in your mind a gigantic plot involving all of the staff and regulars. Except for the guy in the corner. I think he’s a writer, too. Or a sociopath. Hard to tell the difference.

You know you’re a writer when you find yourself scanning your child’s sports team jerseys for possible character names.
You know you’re a writer when you ask a restaurant to correct a misspelling its menu board.
You know you’re a writer when you turn down a come-on from your spouse, because you have to finish your imaginary characters’ love scene first before you can have a real one of your own.

…when you tell your husband that the first thing you would save in a house fire is the Time Machine that backs up all your documents on your Mac. To hell with the cat, or the family pictures, or the insurance papers. Save the manuscripts!!!!

Oh, yeah. I lay awake at night worrying about my back ups in case of some global catastrophe. Two nights ago it was melting of the polar caps resulting in worldwide flooding, leaving me torn between saving the family pets and old photos versus my laptop and external drive. Serious angst.

You know you’re a write when…
Your husband’s grandpa starts sending you his FB statuses for grammar and spelling checks before he will post them.
Your toddler asks for duct tape and toilet paper for a scrape (because you never remember to buy actual band aids) and you give him a fist bump for creativity.
Your husband asks, “Is there a reason for the huge stack of books by the bed?” Then, he puts himself in a ten minute timeout for asking such a stupid question.
The aforementioned stack of books includes Harry Potter, The Elements of Style, and Reports of the Illinois Sate Hospital for the Insane(1847-1862).
You watch movies about writers and laugh, and laugh, and laugh.

You know you’re a writer when the kids are on a first-name basis with every food delivery driver in town.

You know you’re a writer when no one notices you reenacting the shower scene from “Psycho” in Norman Bates’s POV so you can figure out the bloodiest method of stabbing someone.

You know you’re a writer when you fast-forward through the movie to scan the end credits for interesting character names.

You know you’re a writer when your family no longer tries to make excuses for you (and barely even notices) when the police break down your door because the clerk at the market overheard you mumbling things like, “But he’s just GOT to die. Face it, it just won’t work unless you kill him off.”

And finally, you know you’re a writer when you revise and edit all posts and comments numerous times before submitting, even when you find no errors the first time you read them over . . .

Not only can I relate to almost everything you wrote, but I am familiar with almost every addition in the comments. It makes so much sense now. I know what I’m going to be if I grow up. (BTW, chronologically old enough to have three kiddos, one in high school.) I do troll the kids’ websites and eavesdrop regularly. I can walk to my Starbucks. I’ve named my Kindle. And I’ve edited this post three times.

yes, Kristen, thanks for making me laugh, even though this stupid cold from Hades means it really, really hurts to laugh so i was doing the hunched over, strained hee-hee which might scare the “normals” but since it’s only me and “little man” and he’s taking his nap, I’m safe!!

… You agree to go shopping with your spouse and tell her you’ll come into the store after you’ve finished writing this scene. 2 hours later, you stumble into the store and she says, “Oh, your done already?”

How clever! So you were spying on me while I sit here at 2pm in yesterday’s clothes, including my husband’s socks…writing, and looking at a hamper and a half of dirty clothes! With the FBI surveillance van parked outside, no less.

…You refuse to remove your barrette in the security line at the airport, because it will mess up your hair, citing that “I write about faeries for crying out loud, I’m not about to hijack a transatlantic flight with a hair slide”. I got patted down but they didn’t make me remove my hair slide 😉

Kristen, you are really an inspiration and more importantly, you make me laugh. (Inspiration is easier to come by than belly laughs.) So if I get a Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer can I throw away my knife? I thought the knife had served me well, but seeing the diagram on Amazon, I know I have got to have the 571.

It continues to amaze me the ways people make money or in Amazon’s case the way they don’t make money while they take over the world. I have downloaded The Rise of the Machines…, or at least the free portion of it. I was inspired by a previous article of yours on the value of quitting. I’ve commended it to my adult children who seem hell bent on careers in creativity as opposed to making money – my hope is they can somehow do both.

I am three years into retirement from a career in IT and some other stuff. The IT gig ended not unexpectedly, but somewhat prematurely forcing me to consider next steps such as A) find another IT job, B) retire or C) find a job in another field. I went with Plan B and that path has made all the difference (to misquote Frost). So your counsel on the virtues of quitting rang true to my experience and I’m wondering why I didn’t do it sooner. Oh yeah, there’s the money thing – really, they were paying me in the final years for being very unproductive and it was hard to step off the gravy train, but now I am so thankful they let me go (and gave me half a year’s severance – sometimes wait the bastards out is a good strategy).

Allan Smorra, who is a friend and high school classmate, put me on to your blog. He’s encouraged me to write both directly and indirectly by the example of his blog. I’m exploring avenues of creativity open to even senior citizens and wanted to respond to your writing challenges in the last two articles received, with a twofer:

Quitting an energy consuming career like IT opens windows to more creative creativity – quit your day job and pretend to be a writer/amateur tennis team captain-player/ political activist/ senior events coordinator/ high school reunion organizer.

You know you’re a writer when ranting makes others wonder about your sanity, traveling by car to an unknown destination because you’re distracted by pursuing thoughts and/or plots in your head, needing to shave occurs to you three days later, wishing that someone would plow over the entire Kardashian family(not sure how that relates to writing, but it’s a great idea), annoying family and friends at gatherings by correcting grammatical errors and historical misstatements mixed with really bad puns, entering the room we call a library is hazardous to your health because of the narrow paths between the stacks of books which cannot be relinquished – who knows when Carlos Castaneda will come back in vogue or when Mother Jones will no longer be available, and so it goes (apologies to K. Vonnegut).
I plead guilty to all of the above, but confess I’m uncertain still about my qualifying as a writer. (However, I would appreciate some details on how to get on the Mormon/Jehovah’s Witness DO NOT CALL LIST?)

As a child of the ‘60’s it’s encouraging to see that stream-of-consciousness writing is not dead (even though consciousness may be). Kristen, thank you for your encouraging words and helpful tips on writing. Please blog on!

…when – you’re scared to email your writer friends for critique on a homeland terrorist story after Homeland Security handcuffed you last time you entered the country.
…when – you got mad because you helped a nephew write his history project and the teacher marked it down because he deemed some of the facts were pure fiction. (Do your homework *&$%@)
…when – your idea of fun is resetting your wifi ID to “FBI Surveillance Team #3” just to see what your neighbours do.

You know you’re a writer when – everyone you know (after they’ve found out you write books) comes up to you and says – “I’ve always wanted to write a book about…..(fill in the blanks) and I’d like you to help me do it.” Or they ask for a “freebie”.

You now you’re a writer when . . . people stop engaging you in conversation because the only thing you have to share is the progress of your current wip, your recent publications, and what you’re dreaming of writing next!

Thanks for a great break in my morning! I’ve laughed, giggled, cried, and raised my hand a few too many times!

You know you’re a writer when you seriously consider cooking every food item in the house in order to make “ready made meals” so that you don’t have to put any thought or effort into cooking. Unfortunately, this plan involves cooking so you decide that soup and toast is a perfectly acceptable meal.

My mom sent me the link for this blog because she knew I’d find it funny. Hilarious! I’d reblog if I had WordPress. I’m definitely following now. 🙂

You know you’re a writer when…
…you’re on a first name basis with everyone who works at your coffee shop, including the temporary holiday staff.
…you refer to it as “your coffee shop” or “your Starbucks”
…you say, “How does this sound?” or “Can I read you this?” and your husband suddenly becomes VERY busy with something (usually xbox)
…you critique a movie poorly because its “plot device was too convenient”

You know you’re a writer when the family starts complaining about sandwiches and eating crock-pot meals eight days out of every week. Everyone in your house is forced to wear all black clothing, even your towels and sheets are black, because you can throw it all in one wash and call it done.
IF they make it to the dryer before they sour, you’re on top of things. Everyone has learned the dryer does double as a closet—just go grab your clothes out of it.

You know you’re a writer when your friends stop talking to you because they’re afraid they’ll end up in your novel…as a victim.

This post was witty, hilarious, and unfortunately true for most of us. However, on the bright side, I now know that I`m not crazy–there are others like me in this world…so refreshing (laughing). I just started following your blog and I love it so far. God bless. WPhttp://2dropsofink.blogspot.com/

It’s funny; my wife often asks, why don’t you write more? I think to myself, do you like your husband? Do you want to speak with your husband? Do you like the bills paid? Or do you want a semi-homeless fellow walking around the house muttering and shooing his children away because that word, that piece of dialog, that punctuation isn’t quite right.

You know you’re a writer when, after reading this list, you eagerly go to Amazon to see how much the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders book is and upon finding out it’s way more than you have in the bank after paying rent, you add it to your Christmas wish list. And it’s only January 10th.

You know you’re a writer when you ask to drive, or ride if the scowls get bad, on the Bear Cat aka SRT tactical vehicle when it is stopped on the street.
You know you’re a writer when your husband reads your work and asks if he can use that idea for the next camera he has to place.
You know you’re a writer when you ask a police officer if he has ever used his ASP.
Thanks for a wonderful Friday laugh. I’m now a follower!

You know you’re a writer when you buckle down and buy yourself an ugly chair that looks horrible with the decor but you’re ecstatic that it’s ergonomic with adjustable arms and you can sit in it for hours.

You know you’re a writer when you find scribbled notes that say things like “What does the drifter know?” and you don’t have a clue which book that question pertained to at the time you wrote it, because several of your now published books or WIPs have characters who might be considered drifters and might know something important. And then you always wonder if you left some crucial element out of some story somewhere.

You know you’re a writer when your best friend is describing something truly horrendous that has happened to her and you’re making all the right sympathetic noises while secretly working out how to insert the whole sorry episode into the plot of your novel. Oh, she’ll never notice, you tell yourself as you slip off to the bathroom to scribble a few quick notes.

You know you are a writer…when your cleaner lurks at the door to your study wiping the same bookcase for 1/2 an hour while you speak a sex scene into your voice recognition program and then you have to explain to her that you were writing a book, not masturbating!

You know you are a writer when anyone who mentions WIP or MS vaults to the Top Five of your BFF list.
Or, you can write on anything, anytime, when a Plot Point hits – the water bill. Electric bill. Your kid’s spelling list. And any square inch of virgin paper, incl0, on I-75, including a syllabus, doing 70 on I-75.

You know you’re a write when…
…You go to see a movie adaptation of a book, and then write a ridiculously long review on your blog reaming the director/script writer out for taking too many liberties with the book.
Yep, I’ve done it.

You know you’re a writer when you meet a distant relative who’s a doctor and the first thing you ask them is if it’s actually possible to kill someone by injecting air into a vein. (Yes. But only if it’s 100cc (that’s 1/10 of a litre) or more – hard to conceal.)

My coworkers all think I’m nutty because I’m always remarking that such and such would be a good way to kill something or fend of a zombie apocalypse. It helps that I work in pharmaceutical manufacturing and there’s odd chemicals and machinery everywhere. Very inspirational.
By now they don’t blink an eye when I say ‘would this respirator filter out smoke? I need to know cuz this one person in my novel…”
Yup. Nutty.

Reblogged this on Jenny Hansen's Blog and commented:
If you’re a writer banging your head against your manuscript, desperate for some cameraderie and giggles, HERE’S your post. Febreze on the kid? Brilliance…pure brilliance.

You know you’re a writer when…you hop out of bed at 2 in the morning because you just got the best idea for your next book…you call one of your children Jonathan Fisher, a character in your book, and he tells you, “I’m not Jonathan, Mom. I’m Jonah.” (But he really IS Jonathan, he just doesn’t know it! 😉

You know you’re a writer when you use the one-handed hunt-and-peck method – very fast now – because the cat is always asleep in the other arm.
You know you’re a writer when you’re dressed in your favorite furry boots and snow-coat while you work out the winter murder, all while the air-conditioning is going full-blast because it’s 94-degrees outside.

I have a feeling you have been spying on my husband and daughter. Yesterday, she wore my snow boots, which, until yesterday, were as ugly as death….but since we just haven’t gotten to buying her snow boots that fit (pay no attention to the Zappo’s return that has been bouncing around in the back of my car for over a week), she had to cave and wear mine.

You know you are a writer when you find yourself copying all the “do not disturb me for the rest of my life” behaviors exhibited by your own teenager.

Reblogged this on Brainfluff and commented:
I read this funny article by Kristen Lamb and roared with laughter – and a lot of recognition… And felt it was too good not to reprise to my own followers. So here you are…

Okay Kristen – this post is not only hilarious, humorous – and sometimes true – it showed me clearly – I’m a writer! (In most cases though… on others I still need to work a little. *chuckle)
Thanks for this amazing blog post!! 🙂 I love it!

I love this Ms. Lamb. I laughed so hard I snorted my lemonade. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had someone say,”Cimmy, could you do XYZ” for me and wanted to scream, “Can’t it wait? I’m in the zone!” I haven’t published anything for pay, yet, and nothing nearly this funny. Seriously, this is wonderful. I haven’t read any of your books, yet, but if they’re anything like this I may have to.

You know you’re a writer when… you sit alone at a table in the crowded movie theater lobby while multiple sets of people come and go and tell you something interesting while the whole time you are writing down their quirks, sayings and mannerisms. (Or of course hiding in the photo booth while you record it on your phone because you forgot that journal you are not supposed to leave home without.)

You know you’re a writer when:
-Letters end up transposed or missing because you type too quickly and burn out your keyboard.
-You type out a three-paragraph rant about your jerk roommate on Facebook, and the first comment is “Terrible situation but wow! You’re a really great writer!” (this happened to me two days ago. Still mad.)
-People tell you that you should really think about writing.
-No matter how much money you make, the credit reporting agencies list you as “unemployed”.
-You can’t actually think of anything pithy enough for this example to actually be comedic, but you think that, given the right amount of time and a Chris Rock marathon, you might be able to figure out how to make people smirk, point, and shake their heads, saying “it’s funny coz it’s trew!”
-There are more books than blankets in your house (but not many more)
-You’re willing to blow off other people to stay at home writing UNLESS
-you have writer’s block, and then you’re the one dragging them out the door.
-you have ever, in a bad situation, used the words “well, at least it will make a great story”.

I don’t need to enter the contest, just thought this idea would be fun to workshop.
(that could be another sign that I’m a writer 😉

You know you’re a writer when…you take your purse when you leave the house so you have space for a notebook or three and a fistful of pens….only to leave your wallet at home because there wasnt room for it. (True story)

This post is amazing! I’m just living this feverish status: family asking for food, clean clothes and so on… and at the same time the *voices* in my head are complaining because they’re not getting ENOUGH attention 😉

Hi, I just want you to know: I just nominated your blog for a Sunshine Award. Sunshine Awards are given to blogs who help bring joy to the world…and I think your blog does just that! By helping writers become better writers so we can all share our gifts with the world.
To view your nomination and find out how the Sunshine Award works, check it out here: http://angelsbark.wordpress.com
Congrats! And thanks for all the great tips!
michele

You know you’re a writer when you get up in the middle of the night to stare at the blank screen, get THE IDEA five minutes before you have to leave for your day job (still wearing your pajamas – if you’re lucky, otherwise you’ll just wear blue skin and a dream of coffee) and have to be dragged off to the bus screaming, “Noooo, he’s almost dead!”

I’ll comment with a line I have in my short bio, as it’s still the best way I can sum up my being a writer:
“Estrella writes, because there’s nothing else to better keep her on the right track of sanity – or prove the lack thereof all at once.”

So funny. I needed a good laugh. Unfortunately (perhaps) many of these are also true. For example, my son and I are always joking about how many watch lists we’re on. Plus, I do own a copy of the Manual of Mental Disorders. Thank you for the giggles..

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