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By Mike Hammer

Hey, Romeo! If your killer material gets nothing more than crickets over coffee with a girl you've been chasing... or if you can't even get her to go out for coffee... it's probably time for a reality check. That's right: There are women out there who are impervious to your limitless charm.

Too many dudes are caught up in the notion that a girl's just playing hard-to-get if she's not showing you love. That might sometimes be the case... or, more likely, you're delusional. In the interests of Bro Code, we at Men's Life Today consulted someone who'd know (a woman, and in this case, a woman who's also a relationship expert) to identify six sure-fire signs that you're wasting your time.

No. 1: You have a better relationship with her voicemail than with her.

If the only time you can ever get this girl on the phone is when you call her -- and if she seems surprised that it's you when she finally answers -- you've got a bad connection! Face it: If she doesn't call you back -- or ever call you at all -- she's ducking you. "If you think she's avoiding you, tell her that the next call has to come from her," says Dr. JoAnn Magdoff, a New York-based psychologist and relationship expert. "If she doesn't make it, you'll have your answer." In other words, it's time to lose her phone number.

No. 2: She cuts you down with a crappy cliche.

When a woman utters the universal escape clause -- "I'm just not ready to be in a relationship" -- the most literal translation is: She's not ready to be in a relationship with you. It could be that she's got a lot on her plate. But in most cases, if she's not buying what you're selling now, she won't be shopping in your store anytime soon. "If you can hang long enough, she might turn around," says Magdoff. "But don't hold your breath."

No. 3: You can't find your way onto her calendar.

It's easier to predict the ponies than the next time this girl will be available to go out with you. She's either "working late," "gotta get up early," "gonna be out of town," or "having her blood drawn." And she always asks if she can get back to you in case she works things out at the last minute. Meaning: You're in the permanent bullpen, and you'll only get the call if her intended starting pitcher comes up lame. "These are the classic signs of being a fallback option," explains Magdoff. "The only way to capture her imagination is to show less interest in her."

No. 4: She talks dirty… but not about you.

When she describes her fantasy man, it doesn't sound like anybody who might ever be remotely mistaken for you. Or even speak to you. "If she's describing her fantasies to you, and you're not in them," warns Magdoff, "you need to be talking to someone else."

No. 5: The next time she laughs at one of your jokes will be the first time.

If you think you're the king of comedy but can't command even a couple of laughs from your intended queen, it's time to take your seltzer bottle and chattering dentures act on the road. "If she's not finding your humor or personality interesting, you need to ask yourself what you find alluring about her," says Magdoff. "Don't get into this because you like a challenge." Face it, funny boy: You're chasing after somebody who's laughing at you, not with you! (Sorry, we always wanted to use that one.)

No. 6: She keeps telling you that you are so perfect for her sister!

Sadly, this is only a good thing if she's siblings with Megan Fox. On the other hand, says Magdoff, "Maybe it's not such a bad idea to meet her sister. Let's face it, you're not getting anywhere with this girl!"

Mike Hammer is a former editor of Maxim, editor in chief of Stuff and head guy of Shock.