I know of two parallel worlds, one I try to live in now, based on scientific truth (to the best of my knowledge). The other I had forced on me when I was a child. This is a parallel world that coexists on the earth we share, I'm sure there is more than this one, but this particular world is the only other one I have any knowledge of.

Imagine if you can…. A world where you and I both still exist, set on the earth right now. In this world there is a battle of galactic proportions ragging. In this world there are two sides, the good guys (god, his angels and the people of pentecostal churches), and the baddies (the devil, his demons, and everyone else on this earth (that means you!)). In this world the earth has fallen under the sway of the devil, and his demons are everywhere. His demons are the most horrifying beasts imaginable, an undead invisible army, capable of possessing anyone (this means you), and causing tremendous pain and suffering. It wold be fare to say that not everyone is possessed by these demons, but the vast majority of you are. Free demons are also flying about around us all the time, fighting against gods chosen people, basically, they are on the rampage!

On the other side is god, he controls everything! And I mean everything. Although he has this control he seams rather distant, and is reluctant to intervene in the daily struggle against the demons, he helps out once in a while, normally in odd, almost vicarious ways (I would site the steel cross at the base of the twin towers, sited as an act of gods grace by Christians?). And he has these angles who he some times dispatches to help or warn his holy people. They seam to do more warning than real helping… Now because the devil has taken control of the earth (something he only had to posses one snake to do), god has judged and found guilty every person that has been or will ever be on this earth (that's you), he has condemned and sentenced all of you to an eternity of pain and suffering. (I'm not just talking about the day to day struggles of humanity, I'm talking very real torture).

Its not all bad though, he visited earth 2000 years ago and suffered the torture for us all. All anyone has to do to be saved is believe that he visited the earth and suffered this torture, and they will get to live in heaven with god forever. However it doesn't end there, he's watching everything you do (I believe he keeps a list like santa), and if you slip up, even if you so much as think something he does't like, you will be punished. Death is the only respite from the trials and tribulations he is going to put you through.

In this world you are told your a sinner, a scumbag, you are told that your life is worthless and its only god that can give you any self worth. You are taught the bible as historic fact, evolution as a lie of the devil, anyone who believes in evolution is actually demon possessed. You are taught that god is more important than anything else, even you, you are taught they would kill you if god asked them to. You are taught all good things you do are god working through you, and all bad things you do as evil, you trying without gods permission, or even against his commandments. This parallel world has many strange beliefs and these beliefs are enforced using violence (think Hillary Adams), threats of violence, and emotional manipulation by the parents. This world is reinforced by local government (preachers meet with council leaders at least twice a year), national government (finical assistance, tax breaks and grants), teachers (small christian schools), and because you are surround by this world, everyone you know reinforces this world of self hatred, every man, woman and child, and not just on a sunday, seven days a week! Those that don't believe in this parallel world are filled with demons, they are a very real danger (this means you, you are taught as a danger, someone who will go out of their way to hurt gods children, and if god is willing to kill me, how much worse are you going to treat me?).

Imagine growing up completely immersed in this world until the age of thirteen, your first day of high school. Imagine going from a small christian school where you are the only one your age to a school of 1200 'other worldly' children, anyone of them could be full of demons, anyone could be out to get you, you are outside the christian group for the first time, alone, face to face and surrounded by the enemy. You have no understanding of friendship, I remember looking back I could not understand how all these other kids where able to form groups of friends instantly, I couldn't figure it out, how was it possible, what where these groups, I had never seen kids group into packs of friends before, did they know I was a christian and exclude me? I found out later that they all came from the same couple of intermediate schools and had formed their groups there (something I had to ask them about later on.) You have no idea whats going on, the teachers all start teaching at a level two to three years beyond what you learned in your christian school… Age 13, where do you run to? the evil demon filled teachers, demon filled students, demon filled world who are all out to hurt you? or god who will kill you if you don't do what he says? Do you have a choice? The belt is waiting...

Thought: Are memes what the people of old referred to as angels and demons?

I believe that Christianity is a negative influence on modern societies. Why do I believe this? Well, for starters, it promotes ignorance, and there can be no greater impediment to the advancement of a culture than widespread ignorance. Promoting ignorance undermines all serious efforts at true education. Worse still, Christianity does not merely promote ignorance, it elevates it to a virtue.

The following passage, John 20:26-29, is one of the foundational messages of modern Christianity:

“Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.' Thomas said to him, 'My Lord and my God!' Then Jesus told him, 'Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed'“

Thus, Jesus claims, the truly blessed are those who have believed without seeing any evidence.

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary defines “faith” thusly: (1) firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) complete trust. The Bible confirms and expands this definition. According to Hebrews 11: 1,

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

Unpacking that a bit, we get, “faith is the evidence of things not seen.” The author, then, is claiming that believing, itself, is evidence of whatever you believe. This is the ultimate in circularity; if you think it’s true, then it’s true. He might as well have said, “Don’t worry about evidence or truth, just accept your ignorance and keep hoping you’re on the right track.”

So, being ignorant is just fine, but there is more. Hebrews 11:6 says,

“But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.”

This suggests that you are expected to believe first, on the word of others, in order for god to “reveal” himself. In fact, Hebrew 11 is all about faith, throughout. One might even say that we have here, in Isaiah, a sort of second-order circularity, where ignorance breeds religion, which breeds ignorance. It’s no wonder it’s so hard to break through to the faithful, they’ve fenced themselves off so completely.

Well, if ignorance is good, then wisdom must be bad, right? Now you’re getting it. In several passages the Bible advises that wisdom is to be shunned or shed. For example,

"Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness. And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain (1 Corinthians 3:18-20).”

Thus, the Bible advises one to be willfully ignorant, to “become as little children,” willing and eager to believe on authority. In no other sphere of human activity would anyone consider ignorance a virtue, except religion. Have you noticed that the only people who cast doubt on the value of reason as a means of understanding the world are people who are pushing religion? Is there a clue here? Shouldn't we be suspicious when someone says, “Just take my word for it?” How can it make sense to respect a teaching that mankind should be willfully ignorant? Where would we be if we took the same attitude to medicine, chemistry, physics, psychology, etc.?

But, what harm does it do to just have faith? Well, for one thing, Bible-god is essentially an invisible superhero. So, Christianity promotes belief in a superhero who can be counted on to protect the weak and dispense justice. In fact, those things won’t happen unless we humans see to it. The Christians are spreading a story that things will be made right even if we humans do nothing. That’s a pretty clear prescription for doing nothing, ensuring that nothing gets done.

And, how many times have we read on this very site some Christian’s assertion that if we just believed first, then everything in the Bible would make sense to us? Why isn’t it obvious to these people that they have turned common sense on its head? If you have to believe something first, before it will make sense, then aren’t you just screwing with your own mind? I believe a hypnotist would call this auto-suggestion.

It seems to me that such an ass-backward approach invites a complete warping of reason and morality. With such an approach, one might well find himself, much like the apologist William Lane Craig, quite seriously defending genocide (http://www.reasonablefaith.org/site/News2?pageNewsArticle&idW67). As Greta Christina explained, “Short version: When guilty people got killed, they deserved it because they were guilty and bad . . . and when innocent people got killed, even when innocent babies were killed, they went to Heaven, and it was all hunky dory in the end.”

With such a bizarre, upside-down view on morality, doesn’t one have to wonder what this man is capable of? Now don’t get me wrong, I am not accusing Craig of anything beyond acting stupid, but, could some similar sort of warped “morality” be involved in a priest’s habit of repeatedly raping young boys?

I would suggest that the Christians have latched onto a very effective approach to increasing their numbers. People are taught to “just believe,” because if one tries to convince himself of something it becomes a kind of self-hypnosis. One can convince himself of almost anything if he works at it with rituals and effort over a period of time – like some ascetic Buddhists who meditate in caves for years and, eventually, have visions and “achieve” a melding with the “oneness.” Of course, what they’ve actually done is just starved themselves of reality and screwed up their minds. Similarly, note the value Christians place on constant prayer, regular church attendance, and hanging out exclusively with co-religionists to provide constant reaffirmation.

“I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.”

Robert Ingersoll:

"The notion that faith in Christ is to be rewarded by an eternity of bliss, while a dependence upon reason, observation, and experience merits everlasting pain, is too absurd for refutation, and can be believed only by that unhappy mixture of insanity and ignorance, called 'FAITH'! "

Dan Barker:

"Faith is a cop-out. If the only way you can accept an assertion is by faith, then you are conceding that it can't be taken on its own merits."

In all other walks of life, curiosity is understood as the first – and most necessary – step on the path to knowledge, yet faith seeks to suppress curiosity rather than encourage it. Look how much we’ve advanced in living standards over the past century, in all aspects of humanity, and none of it the result of religion. Religious forces appear to do everything they can to suppress progress. Now consider where we might be now if religion hadn’t been in control for the thousand years of the Dark Ages.

So, I have claimed that Christianity promotes ignorance, based on several scriptural passages. Now the clever apologist is going to think, “Well there must be at least one contradictory passage somewhere in the Bible, since there always is.” And he would be right. Below, I present Proverbs 24: Sayings 21:3-4 and 23:7, just to prove I’m not trying to hide anything.

Saying 21: “By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.”

Saying 23: “Wisdom is too high for fools . . . “

Now, if the apologist wishes to claim that Proverbs takes precedence over the direct words of Jesus to Thomas (“. . . blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.“ ), he is free to do so. But, if he does, isn’t he demoting Jesus, and taking the Christ out of Christianity?

Christian leaders, it seems, are experts on ignorance. They know that the little child can easily be convinced of Santa and the Tooth Fairy, just as the grown-up - if you can convince him of the virtue of ignorance - can be convinced that the tall tales of the Bible are actually accurate history. Sadly, these “teachers” usually get entangled in their own ignorance.

Hello and thank you for reading this whoever you may be. This is my account of leaving Christianity (more specifically the Catholic Church) and my conversion to Buddhism at age 15.

I was raised with a non-religious mother and a father who was on and off about religion until about 43 (I'll get back to him later). I was baptized as a baby (Oh good, already in bondage before my first birthday, thanks for letting me use my free will!) and went to a catholic elementary school in Canada. I was a very conservative catholic boy, never questioning a single bit of what I heard. Not even wondering why if God is so all loving, did he drown the world and send plagues upon people? However as I grew older and I began to think for myself, questions arose about the validity of the bible. At this time the shroud of Turin was proven fake by carbon dating and the catholic church was in the process of accepting evolution. I wondered, "How can the Bible be the word of God if its incorrect and therefore imperfect? I thought God was supposed to be perfection."

I began delving into history of Rome, I adored it and the religion. However I noticed something odd, not a single bit of Roman historians living at the time of Jesus said anything about him, his apostles or his supposed LARGE following of Christians. I consulted my religion teacher about this and I was brushed off with a "Well the bible says he exists and the bible is the word of God interpreted by man." Ah yes, the bible is no longer the word of God anymore its just an "interpretation" written down by flawed men who lived well after Jesus' supposed death. However I did not deconvert, although the seeds of doubt were already in my mind. I began to scour my NAV (New American Version, I also had the King James version but my teachers warned me against reading it.) Bible for answers. I wanted to know why other historians didn't document a person who has been claimed as the most important man to ever live.

However I found nothing, nothing to indicate that people refused to record his existence. I kept my studies a secret from my teachers, parents and my priest. I felt as if I was doing something evil by questioning God and would constantly pray for forgiveness after every session of study. I began to delve into the stain of the Bible, the Old Testament. I was horrified by what I saw God commanding, genocide, bets with Satan to ruin Job, hardening Pharaoh's heart so that God may punish him and then go on to kill the Egyptian children. How about the story of the Tower of Babel when God makes people speak different tongues so thy never unite? My teachers and priest had weaved there way around these passages as this was the first I had heard of them. I was also struck hard by the passage in Leviticus, commanding gays to be killed (I have gay uncles and I myself am bisexual). So I became anti-gay as a result during the 7th and 8th grades. I continued my studies in secret, this time going on to the New Testament.

Jesus supposedly came to release us from Old Testament laws, or so my priest had told me. However not one passage hints at this. Instead Jesus states the laws must be upheld! I also read the passage about cutting off your hand or foot or gouging out your eye if it causes you to sin (directly from Jesus himself). Being a 13 year old boy I was bombarded with hormones and had internet access (guess what I did!) and I felt horrible for it. I felt as if I was the only one and I was damned unless I didn't beg God to forgive me and promised that this time would be the last (which went on until I was 14 which was when I deconverted). I also began having the "dreams" developing boys and girls get when going through puberty. I thought these were the product of a demon, however I was so afraid I never asked for an exorcism (thankfully). There were times where I would pray and I would still have the dreams, this began my doubting of the power of prayer. My home life itself was very turbulent, my parents rarely got along and when I was in the 8th grade my father left for two months to "cool down". I knew a divorce was coming and prayed and prayed for my parents to get along. Of course these efforts were fruitless and nothing happened.

I often visited my father who was staying at a friend's house who had also been divorced (most of my fathers friends are divorced and have been multiple times). It was on his two months away he "discovered" God. I was still somewhat christian at the time so I had no problem and he was very liberal about it at first. My first year of high school (catholic high school) was devoid of religious indoctrination to my surprise and I met other kids who were questioning the faith as well. I had accepted there was no evidence for Jesus outside of the Bible and that the Bible was composed many years after his supposed death. I accepted that the apostles were not the ones who wrote the gospels and that the Bible was an edited volume, not an infallible, unchanged work of a God transmitted to humans. I had dropped my anti-gay attitude and began to explore other religions (Namely Shintoism, Buddhism and various pagan religions).

By the middle of the year the year I no longer attended church or read the Bible. I had stopped praying going into grade 10 and began reading the stories of the Kami and the Buddhas. The message of being one with nature, respecting ancestral gods, becoming a kami after death if you lead a good life and being reincarnated if you still need to patch things up really appealed to me and made more sense than a all powerful God who loves us yet sends us to hell, an all knowing God who knew I'd deconvert and suffer from clinical depression and bipolar disorder when my parents' divorce picked up speed, yet did nothing to prevent it... a God who has omnipotence, yet fails to feed the starving, heal the sick, mend the wounded, a God who supposedly only gives powers to a few select people who supposedly aided only those who they came into contact with and finally a God who could easily reveal himself today and prove he is the one and only... yet doesn't. That was it, by the 11nth grade I was out of the Catholic establishment. I no longer believed in God or Jesus. Instead I pursued my path down the way of the Kami, mixed in with Buddhism.

This was not the end for me however... I had to deal with my unstable father who recently became a born again christian (Evangelical) after receiving a vision from God that he was to continue his attendance at church (which his "friend" pressured him into), become a disciple and save the marriage (converting my mother and I in the process). He didn't waste any time in attacking my beliefs, calling me an evil idol worshiper, a blasphemer and deeply disturbed and unnatural. he stated that Christianity will take over the world, starting with Asia and then move west and conquer, you guessed it, ISLAM, then everybody would be a christian and there'd be no more competing religions. He told me that everyone except Christians will burn in hell, that the only reason I don't want to go to church is because his pastor will convert me (in his mind God will "overtake" me and I will writhe and speak in tongues before converting), and that all other religions started with evil pagan, idol-worshipers except Judaism and Christianity and that I don't have a choice, Jesus is the "only way". He attempted to get my mother and I to watch his church videos on how to act in day-to-day life and get us to attend his church's retreats, services and bible study classes (he goes to all of them). This good christian man also never hesitated to lose his temper whenever I questioned him or disagreed with him, he'd tell me thing about his sex life with my mother and that my mother's family was full of incest and rape.

He told me my mother was evil, deluded, "not gonna make it", mislead, a pathological liar, mentally ill, promiscuous and all around manipulative (he also said the same for my grandmother and aunt). He of course, prayed and prayed that the marriage would be saved and he was convinced it would be (God told him so! How can God be wrong?). However it was clear to him it wasn't getting any better and I was drifting away from him (Uh oh, looks like God is losing that battle!). His last ditch efforts to convince me to convert were pathetic and even offensive, claiming he could speak in tongues to my autistic brother and that if I convert, I will do the same. I of course dismissed this as a load of BS, I had never heard him do it and neither had my mother, my brother also acted no different from before, regardless of whether or not my father was around (usually he was off at church, bible studies, retreats for men only or work). When that failed he gave up on trying to convert us and the marriage was no more.

I am not angry with my father, I don't hold a grudge towards him despite how he treated me throughout my life. I believe he is mentally deficient in some way and even if he wasn't people don't do do such things for no reason. I have decided I am going to better, improve myself and not hold a grudge. I feel much better now as a person, physically, emotionally and on a spiritual level. The only thing I have left to say is, "Gosh, what a long, strange trip it's been".

What follows is the ultimate story of failed prayer that unfolded at my workplace recently. It was a terrible tragedy that happened to the family of a wonderful friend and coworker...

I am an x-ray tech at a Level One Trauma center in Lansing Michigan which is the go to place for the victims of horrific car accidents and other mishaps causing life threatening bodily injury. When an ambulance or chopper arrives on site, our x-ray department responds to the ER with a portable x-ray machine to the trauma room. In my 17 years I’ve seen it all, and early on you learn to put up a huge emotional wall to protect your sanity, but from time to time that emotional wall can break down as it did in the story that follows.

As my shift was nearing its conclusion late last Friday evening around 11pm, the trauma pager sounded with the print out reading..”M.V.A.(motor vehicle accident) high speed 18 Y.O. male ejected from vehicle. Neck injuries vital signs stable.” Soon after this alert one of my coworkers Michelle is a dear friend, frantically called and informed us that her 18 year old nephew Robert had been involved in a serious car accident and was in route to our facility. When the kid arrived in the ER he was assessed, stabilized, and immediately sent to Cat Scan. The news was not good. This strapping, athletic young man had suffered a broken neck at two levels. ER doctors were unsure whether this injury would result in paralysis or permanent disability of any kind, but thankfully there appeared to be no life threatening injuries including any brain trauma.

My coworker Michelle, the aunt of the victim comes from a wonderful, extremely close Catholic family. She is one of five siblings who all live within a few miles of their parents, and are all the very best of friends. They live in a small farming community where the lives of its members often revolve around activities of the local Catholic Church. When the word spread of the terrible accident, calls to prayer were fast and furious in this tightly knit village of 800. The Facebook pages were alive with prayer for Robert as well. Michelle set up an update web page for her nephew reporting his condition and progress. 99% of the comments on this page included the mention of prayers for Robert’s recovery. There is no other group like the Catholics who can live their lives no differently than this atheist, yet can turn hyper religious in a heartbeat as seen in this situation as my coworker was posting scripture.

Robert was very stable Friday night, but was put on a ventilator to keep him well sedated. Saturday he was sent to surgery for a lengthy operation in which plates and screws where inserted to repair and stabilize his neck. After he came out of the O.R. the family had a meeting with the veteran neurosurgeon and asked the question on everyone’s mind: “Will Robert ever walk again?” The surgeon was frank, “Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.” This type of injury has seen results varying from complete below the neck paralysis, to a complete full recovery. It was a very indecisive type of spinal cord injury that could also leave this youth somewhere in the middle with partial paralysis, but Robert had youth and great health on his side, which is huge as well as his dedicated family who never left his side for support.

Three days after the accident I punched into work on Monday and immediately found my dear friend Michelle. I asked her as to the progress of her nephew. Michelle said he was moving his hands and wrists which was a very good sign of ruling out below the neck paralysis, but he still was unable to wiggle his toes. Robert was giving thumbs up to his family and friends and he was almost ready to have his breathing tube removed.

Michelle said to me, “Bill I know you are an atheist and don’t believe in them, but I truly think God performs miracles and I am confident my nephew will walk again.” But even after her statement of faith in her “all mighty” God and healer, she knew her nephew may be spending his life in a wheelchair which was just breaking her heart.

Now for the grandest of ironies: this young man went into cardiac arrest exactly when the community was gathered in the church praying for him.Robert had made it past the point in his recovery where his life was out of danger so his parents finally went home for a while to get showered and tend to their other two children. They needed to start making arrangements for Robert’s transfer to a rehab hospital for he faced months of intense rehabilitation. The support this family received from the friends, family, and community was overwhelming; besides the multitude of prayers people were coming together offering real tangible assistance as well. A special mass was planned at the Catholic church Monday night so all those who could come, could gather together and pray for this star player of the High School’s baseball team. All the religion aside this was one of the greatest displays of human love, action and support I have ever seen.

On Monday night I was coming down the last hour of my shift at the hospital when the unthinkable happened. It was the most horrible thing as I heard the hospital wide overhead announcement: “Code Blue NCU-02..Code Blue NCU-02” I knew this was Robert’s room. For reasons completely unknown, with his life seemingly out of danger, Robert went into cardiac arrest and died. They worked on this kid for 45 minutes with everything they had to bring him back, but finally pronounced him dead at 7:45pm. As I drove home from work that night I was sick to my stomach and feeling so much sorrow for this family. It was just an awful helpless feeling. What makes this situation worse is the fact that a seat belt would have absolutely saved his life for he was ejected from the vehicle. Also it was discovered that alcohol was a factor so one of Robert’s best friends, the driver, will now face vehicular manslaughter charges.

Now for the grandest of ironies: this young man went into cardiac arrest exactly when the community was gathered in the church praying for him.

I’ve never seen a situation where prayer had proven itself to fail so miserably. I’ve never seen a situation in which I have been this close where so many people were joined in prayer and where those prayers were absolutely futile. Michelle was devastated obviously and I have only spoken to her for a brief moment since Robert’s death but one thing she did say to me..”I truly believe God took Robert like this because he knew this active athlete and outdoors-man could not go on living the rest of his life in a wheelchair.”

Michelle’s statement disturbed me at many levels, but exposed the instant game of mental gymnastics a Christian can play when the desired outcome of their intense prayers fail. I bit my tongue and instantly thought to myself, “Why the fuck did God have to take his life? Why instead didn’t God just allow Robert to make a full recovery and go on the live a full productive life instead of sending him into a fatal cardiac arrest?”

What else was really disconcerting as the atheist looking in on this terrible tragedy is the fact, despite this kid’s demise and horrifying end to this story, God still remains the hero worthy of worship. He gets no blame in this untimely death. Now his job is to comfort the family and help them carry on. “Pray for the family.” “God never gives us anything we can’t handle.” In addition if one or both of the parents go through a period of doubting or hating God, more than likely they will give their testimony that while they once were mad at God, they now realize that He is the one who carried them through.

In conclusion, working at a large busy hospital one message is abundantly clear: Life isn’t fair and never will be. Terrible things happen to wonderful undeserving people through causation, chance, and coincidence. To invoke a grand plan of a divine creator in a situation like this makes absolutely no sense and it makes absolutely no sense that people like this wonderful family can't see things as we do. The world operates exactly as a Godless world would operate.

I stumbled upon this site a few weeks back, and ever since it has truly been inspiring to read and connect with people with similar perspectives. So thank you!

I am eighteen years old and all my life I was raised in a Christian home. All with well-intent, my whole family have been ministers and growing up I showed these signs as well. Being pressed by this "call" to lead.. I began teaching at a christian organization at school all through high school, and youth group.

Blindly I lead my peers, unknowingly at this point, to what would eventually corrupt not only myself but those I cared for deeply as well. I always felt I had to become perfect, and would wake up and make my daily goal to literally be perfect until I go to bed that night. My strive to be accepted in this christian community, to impress my pastor, or make myself feel useful I made it my life's goal to become to best christian humanly possible. This intensified and
poured into my external life in the form of OCD and extreme anxiety. I started developing major issues and becoming socially crippled in the sense that I was postponing natural experiences and dismissing them as "evil". My first girlfriend was supposed to be my "wife" I was taught. First kiss should be on the wedding day.

I began to feel extremely lonely and extremely unsatisfied. While all this was occurring within my own life, one bro started doing drugs and the other came out of the closet, both, according to my upbringing, are damnable offenses. It was a very trying time personally. My soul was pointing toward change and glimmers of doubt arose.. I no longer believed what I was taught and/or teaching to others. Cracks within my belief system was becoming apparent and with this knowledge opened hell for the next few months.

Seeking advice and comfort I opened myself up to ministers and friends and all they said was, "You must not be reading enough. Go read your Bible more, and be sure to pray. God has a reason for everything." It's not like I haven't heard that, or even used line that myself.. However, this is exactly what I did. Me obeying and seeking "god" more is exactly what convinced me, one-hundred percent the god these people are proclaiming is not the one I believe in. All I found was cruelty and injustice.. hypocrisy and tyranny. On the surface he looks appealing, but rarely does anyone venture past the surface, or else we'd all be an agnostic or atheist.

The castle of cards I build up, the one I thought would be my lifelong constant, came crumbling down, and with it all sense of self and confidence in life. Friends left me and proclaimed me a backslider for simply doubting and asking the tough questions. Verbally stoned and beaten down, I was in a major crisis of faith, love, and life.

To rebuild what I felt I "lost", or to regain ground, I tossed aside Christianity and frantically began searching once again. I would read 5-6 books at a time. When finishing one book there was always another to fill its place. Ranging from various mythologies; to disproving the bible; to witchcraft and shamanism; to middle age philosophy; to basic psychology I tried to find "me", I was looking for answers that couldn't be fully answered.

At this point every aspect of life had changed, and I starting shaping into a literal new person. This search scratched but the surface... but it opened my eyes up to wondrous things.. different things.

Things that I previously thought evil and malicious actually helped me on basic levels in a few months, where Christianity failed to do in years of devotion. Freedom in my soul has not been this clear and this refreshing ever in my life. I actually feel progress and weight being lifted from my shoulders. All OCD and anxiety has stopped.. I am truly living.

I respect Christianity and thank it for giving me the basics of morality.. but any association is over and done. I graduated from the spiritual high school called Christianity and im moving on with life.. reality.. never to look back. What people don't understand is that this change was by no means voluntary. Life.. the universe.. my soul changed my course all on it's own, and nothing could be done to stop it. One of my favorite poems now is Emily Dickenson's poem, "The Soul selects her own Society" and yes.. it truly does.

I no longer think twice of "sin", hell, or trying to always know what's going on or being right. I have embraced the mystery of the true "god" and laid down my perspectives, and ironically I have never felt closer to God/Goddess, been more moral, or focused.. I just let things go and run their course in its own time, and focus on thouroughly soaking in the amazing journey along the way.

I currently struggle with what to call myself, and by no means am I breaking free of one master to simply waltz into the arms of a different one, but experience; confidence in myself; and to truly enjoy life is all I need and in that regard I feel rich, peaceful, and finally.. satisfied.

This is a poem/short story(?) that I wrote in frustration of organized religion. And thank you for reading thus far. Hopefully it is understandable. I can never tell. Enjoy!

"Guile filled fountains, are seen scattered across the ornate courtyard floors, full of astonishing color and design.

A fragrance of honey spiced with fatal poison, floats through the air, twirling in the wind, intoxicating the mind and the soul.

Bogart rock columns supporting thick walls towering steep and strong, surround and trap every living being inside, and carved to trance reason.

Altars fuse at the base of the fountains, taunting elegantly, but house the strings of vile puppeteers. Stringing emotion dry.
Books, in an odd and sinister way, remain like new beside these old, worn stone structures, hiding their chants.
The vines, tinted in color, but entirely lost of life crawl up the walls crying out, in warning.

A fire, the only visible light, can be found in the center of this courtyard occupying the top of a short, beautiful pillar.
With sun-like similarity, everburning, all in eyesight orbitally, cauciously, approach in hopeful stances.
It brings warmth to the skin, but over time, once trusted, it soaks into your soul the most ancient, and effective of motivators, fear.

Tears litter the floor, flooding the small creases of exalted torure, forever etched in the ground.
Blood mixes in to add much-expected favor and hoped release. Eventually crusting over in vain.

Whenever our endless routines are even slightly broken, Voices, many in number, speak to us from a nearby unknown place, in a tone as if spiders were crawling out of
thier mouths sent to infest. With our hearts and souls, grasped and strangled, they say to stay put, or we'll lop your freethinking off clean with our new and improved guillotine.

To escape it's taught we die.

But once a little girl; an innocent girl, managed to escape.
The little girl, once out into reality, danced through the still, silent woods surrounding the now faint courtyard. She swung around trees, disturbing snowflakes and sending them back up in little puffs.
Slowly, so slowly, she was bleeding to death from the head wound she had recieved, as promised, spattering the snow with every jubilant twirl.
Slowly, so slowly, but she did not slow her dance, until she fell finally, a bright smile on her face. So delicate and enchanting, yet subltly full of sorrow and longing. Gentle falling snowflakes melt onto her warm, reaching hand, her deep eyes containing hope.. like a pictured face staring out from its frame, wanting to live again. Soon, left of life, her last breath was one in complete freedom."

Blessed be, my name is Robert Malcolm Richardson III, and I am pleased to make your acquaintance.

As you have doubtlessly guessed, I am an Ex Christian (If you have not, then you must be lost), and I was delivered from the clutches of Christ. I would be most humbled if you would take a moment, and hear my tale.

Alright so, I was born in Georgetown, South Carolina (Bible Country), and I was from the start a very different sort of southerner, raised in the Southern Baptist fashion, doubtlessly the worst years of my life. You might be wondering how a person could possibly escape the church in such a hard core Jesus-freak area, well, contrary to what you might think, the younger generations of my native town are slowly detaching from our former faith, and the old Christian hierarchy is crumbling steadily, but back onto subject, whilst growing into a young Christian in my hometown, I began to at last take a serious look at my beliefs.

Not surprisingly from family and peer influence, I chose the path of Christ (regrettable) and was a zealous, pious spreader of the word(ugh) destined on the path of a minister. We moved to Grenville, SC, when I was 12, and I thought I was in the Bible belt before...I was clearly wrong... the people here are hard core christian, no exceptions(we'll see about that). In the year 2008, I fully accepted Christ as my savior (I don't mean to lose you, this has a point, but humor me if you will) and I was a full Christian. Then in 2009, I would receive a huge awakening, a personal loss came upon the family, but I remained faithful, thinking this to be my first real test by God. As the weeks went by I began to notice things previously brushed under the Biblical rug, contradictions, lack of logic or common sense, you know what I'm saying. I began to doubt the very foundations of Christianity, a fragile faith, strike at the foundation and it collapses.

I began to scorn the enforcement of Christianity on others, began to reject my own former beliefs (I have never looked back), I hated the church, and Christ, and if God was as they said he was, then I could not bare to utter his foul name. I began slowly to search, cautiously, mind you, for a faith that more appealed to the way I had come to look at the world, and the Divine rewarded my search, as I came to find Wicca, my current faith, I have been Ex Christian for over two years.

I personally believe that in my struggle, I was delivered from the church, my christian phase was to please others around me, not to fit my own beliefs, I believed what I was taught to believe, a fate I wish on no human being, to be trapped in the faith of another. I stand proud to tell my fellow humans that faith is a choice, a personal one, and NO ONE has the right to tell you the "right way", there is no right way, no one true path. I have forsaken a Biblical, Monotheistic view, to my eyes, the Divine has no one form, it is everywhere, in everything, but 'tis my view alone, and I force it on no one.

When it comes to the church, what can I say, it's bad news, and none so pious as it seems, the Bible and Christ do not fill the church's coffers. The church has thrived on the misfortunes of the people, and have not ceased this injustice, not for a second. Christ? a mystery? Divine intervention? Nay, my brothers, twas nothing more than a man, flesh and blood, not God incarnate.

As for the Bible, a book of malicious lies and falsehoods, written in pen and ink, hardly the tools of the Divine. Books are missing within it, the ones present have been twisted and changed as to exert control over the masses.

Their version is so mutated from its original form that it is a wonder that they practice it to begin with, once I became familiar with the New Age and Neo-Pagan movement, I was in love, and I now live in harmony with the natural world, as I have said, I have never returned to the church.

i cannot tell anyone what to believe, living strictly by a code of "to each his own", but believe this, i have seen the inner workings of Christianity, they are false and most destructive, they govern the thoughts of their "flocks" through fear-mongering, 'tis through fear, not faith, that Christianity lives.

I hope you find the right faith for you as an individual, as was my struggle, blessed be.

If I even dare to question the absolute truth of the bible I deserve to be beaten. Later becomes "Why am I so unprepared for the real world, God where have I gone wrong?". Still later becomes "God, how could you do this to me?". And then becomes " you are not My god, I AM (to quote the bible), not you". Which turns to "what do I do now? how do people live in this world?"… … I say 'this world' deliberately, I often think of my time involved in my family to quite literally living in a parallel world, a world that was just as real to me as what I would now call a 'scientific' world, which I now try to live, it is a daily struggle to separate reality form this parallel world, a struggle I fear I will face for the rest of my life. All concepts must be relearned in this life, such as, what does the word family really mean? what is it to be a friend? how come my education only leaves me with the choice of minimum wage? I hear people in this world actually like themselves, is that true? what does that feel like? will I ever feel like that? How do people get things done without god? In my world god was responsible for any and all good you did in any of life's fields, whether it be social, education, sport, if I do well at any of these things its not me doing it, its god working through me doing it, I am just a vessel. On the other hand, when I make a mistake or fail at something it is me doing it (suddenly I am no longer the vessel), and I failed because I am a sinner and deserve to be punished. The seeds of reality planted in my fertile childish mind have reaped me nothing but weeds.

You shall have no other gods before me:

These other religions are the work of the devil, we need to convert them. Later becomes "why?". Then becomes "all paths lead to one God". Which turns in to "Who the hell is this god fellow? and whats his problem?" Eventually, despairingly turns to "I have been brainwashed. This all all about control… control over what?"… … A question there seams to be many answers to from political control (from the pulpit he told his flock how to vote), financial control (when I left my biological father's church the first thing he said to me was "I noticed your tithes haven't been in the bank account the past few weeks?" and that's a direct quote), community control (local business, local and national government, schools, and John & Jane Doe in the street are daily and subtle influenced by religion, to a point where it has become the accepted norm)….. to name just a fraction of the kind of control they have, and/or want. I would even suggest based on political views I heard voiced at many pastors' meetings, the creation of a christian communist world government would not be off the table, after all, "I know ultimate truth" is a direct quote from a preacher who believes a man lived in a fish for three days.

Honor your mother and father:

If I don't do what they say (no mater what) I rightly deserve a beating. Later becomes "I have no where else to go, why are they doing this to me?". Which becomes "I want to kill them". This after a couple of years of suppression becomes " I want to kill myself"… ... Although I no longer want to kill myself (something I tried at seventeen, vomited a yellow bile for two days afterward), I do see death as a sweet release, something to look forward to, I don't think I fear god, should there unlikely be an afterlife. After all, he couldn't defeat me when I was a helpless child, he stands no chance against me as an immortal dead! The subconscious fear of hell I have a hard time shaking, will I always feel this way?
Judge not, lest ye be judge yourself (a wise principle, in doubt?):

I must judge the sin not the sinner. My brother, who became a preacher (no doubt due to the indoctrination we faced as children, his wife once told me how he said he wished he could break free from under our fathers influence like I had), once excommunicated our sister from his church (I had left well before then) because she started seeing someone who wasn't 'saved by Jesus'… … Why is it that Christians find it easier to follow the bad things in the bible than the good (however little that may be) the bible has to offer, do we come back to the question of control, agenda, and desire to rule us all?

The Age of Enlightenment, centered upon the 18th century, marked a dramatic, secular shift in Western culture from dependence on authority to an appreciation of evidence and reason. It was no longer just a matter of who said it, but whether what was said could be rationally justified or demonstrated. The Enlightenment has had far reaching effects on our modern societies, especially in science, ethics, and government. In fact, it marked the beginning of a secular approach to government in the Western World.

The American founding fathers lived during the birth of the Enlightenment and absorbed the philosophy thoroughly. They had no patience with the authority of kings or prelates, or with that “divine right of kings” nonsense. They understood that progress and justice depended on finding the truth, not by obeying authorities, but by gathering evidence, debating ideas, and testing what worked to the benefit of the most people in the real world. They were especially wary of religious authorities, since they often had more practical power than the kings. Notice that the only mention of religion in the Constitution is in the negative sense, as in “Congress shall make NO law respecting an establishment of religion,” and “NO religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office.” This was no accident. These are Enlightenment ideas.

Fast-forward now to the current race for the US Presidency. Most of the Republican candidates, and some others not running, promote a return to Bible-based law. I suspect most of them know that this would be completely unworkable and they are just kissing-up to their less educated religio-holics, but this is still a scary development as it could get beyond anyone’s control. Are these politicians giving any real thought to the disaster they are proposing? This would involve a turning back of the clock to pre-Enlightenment days of total obeisance to authority.

A return to Bible-based law would make the Bible the bedrock legal authority. These politicians claim the Bible is revelation from god, but how can they know this? This has never been proven. Who are the authors of the Bible? Isn’t it important that we don’t even know? Because someone wrote that they had a revelation and thus-and-such is what god wants from us, should we just believe him? Should we just believe Mohammed then? How can it make sense to turn our legal system over to these anonymous writers, these primitives living in a superstitious, pre-scientific age? We don’t know who they were, or anything about their reputations. They claim revelation, but their words are still just hearsay to us, since we never got the revelation directly. So, we should just turn our legal system over to hearsay claims? And if the Gospel writers got their info from divine revelation, then how come there are so many contradictions between their stories? This claim just doesn’t stand up to reasonable scrutiny.

And who gets to be chief interpreter of this Bible? There are thousands of different Christian sects which disagree on dozens of fundamental points, and all claim to be able to defend their viewpoints with scripture. Isn’t it obvious that if the Bible is a compendium of god’s wishes and commands, then we are very poorly equipped to interpret them? If we could agree on just what the Bible means, would there be so many sects? You see, the Bible can never be the final authority because someone else must have the ultimate authority to determine the “proper” interpretation. This is how the Catholic Church essentially ruled the Western World for a thousand years or so and gave rise to the Inquisitions. You may recall that this period is often termed the “Dark Ages,” when social and scientific progress came to a screeching halt.

Look at what some of these politicians are saying.

Mitt Romney: "Freedom requires religion just as religion requires freedom. Freedom opens the windows of the soul so that man can discover his most profound beliefs and commune with God. Freedom and religion endure together, or perish alone." Did you get that? He’s saying we can’t have freedom without religion, so we sure as hell can’t have freedom FROM religion.

Mike Huckabee: "But I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living god. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view."

Newt Gingrich: “I think what every listener needs to understand is that in the minds of Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams and the people who wrote that document [Declaration of Independence], they literally meant that your rights come from God, that you then loan them to the government . . . “

Michelle Bachman: “We’re in a state of crisis where our nation is literally ripping apart at the seams right now, and lawlessness is occurring from one ocean to the other. And we’re seeing the fulfillment of the Book of Judges here in our own time, where every man doing that which is right in his own eyes—in other words, anarchy.” Obviously, she thinks we should be doing what the Bible says we should be doing.

Rick Perry: “ I think in America from time to time we have to go through some difficult times — and I think we’re going through those difficult economic times for a purpose, to bring us back to those Biblical principles . . . “

Sarah Palin: “I think we should keep this clean, keep it simple, go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant. They’re quite clear that we should create law based on the God of the Bible and the Ten Commandments.”

“Quite clear?” The ignorance in this last statement is appalling. She probably isn’t even aware that only 3 of the Ten Commandments are in US law, those covering murder, theft, and perjury (lying). And those 3 are in the law books of every country in the world, including counties which are predominately Buddhist and Hindu. In would make just as much sense, then, to say the Ten Commandments are the basis of law in Japan and India.

I would love to ask these candidates - if our laws should be Bible-based - which of the following should we be campaigning for: kill disobedient sons (Deuteronomy 21:18-21), kill those who work on the Sabbath (Exodus 35:2), kill blasphemers (Leviticus), kill non-virginal brides (Deuteronomy 22:20,21), kill homosexuals (Leviticus 20:13), kill adulterers (Leviticus 20:10), kill witches (Exodus 22) (Did a god really come up with these?). And should eating shellfish and wearing blended fabrics be illegal?

But those are all from the old covenant, and Jesus changed all that? Did he really? Well, how about this: “The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever (Isaiah 40:8); and this, “Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfill (Matt. 5:17) – where Jesus was clearly speaking of Old Testament law.

Also in the New Testament (the “new covenant”), in Acts 5:1-10, god strikes down 2 people who didn’t give enough to the church. So should not giving enough become a capital crime? And how much is enough?

And if we are going to turn Jesus’ commands into law, how about this one: “If a man abide not in me, he is cast forth as a branch, and is withered; and men gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned (John 15:16).” Should we then fear the zealot who would interpret this to mean that we heretics should be burned at the stake, as in the old days?

But maybe these folks wouldn’t want to go quite this far? Maybe they would just want to go back to banning books and movies, porno, women’s right to hold leadership positions, and shopping, selling alcohol, or playing sports games on Sundays? How about suppression of anti-religious talk or writing? Once started, where would it stop?

We must make no mistake; those who wish to push more religion into our government and our laws are the enemies of secularism. They are campaigning against the Enlightenment values of respect for evidence and the right to question authority. They are also campaigning against democracy. If our laws are based on some authority, be it the Bible or some convocation of religious leaders, then the laws will no longer be “of the people, by the people, and for the people.” The people will be without a voice. There can be no democracy where the presumed “will of god” is the benchmark for the law of the land (as it is in numerous Middle Eastern Islamic countries).

As I said, I think most of these Presidential candidates, being educated people, realize that a reversion to Biblical law would be crazy. But what if they start something that they couldn’t then control? I believe strongly in a basic principle: Never underestimate the gullibility of the American people. You want evidence of this gullibility? Well, according to a 2004 Gallup poll, over three-quarters of Americans indicated a belief in angels, and nearly three-quarters believed in the devil. And these beliefs are based almost entirely on the evidence of some lines by anonymous authors in an ancient book. Now that is some serious gullibility.

Now here’s what I believe. I believe we would be wise to fear and oppose those who wrap their candidacy in religion and the Bible, for they are a serious danger to democracy, and to a progressive, humane and secular society!

I'm not an ex-Christian, but I'm fighting with God none-the-less. I fell in love with Jesus when I was four. It was the deep, like-warm-melted-wax-flowing-through-my-heart falling in love that may only happen once in a life-time, and it was real. I loved Jesus, and I loved God, and I knew nothing about the Holy Spirit, or I would have loved her (carrying over the gender from the original languages, no disrespect) just as deeply and just as much.

But there was a problem, a big problem, in my life. It was my father, but it was bigger than that. It was the conspiracy of silence and violent and violating disbelief around the things my father did.

I was eleven, and our Sunday School teacher presented a lesson on prayer based on John 16:23-24: "...Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, hHe will give it you. Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name: ask, and ye shall receive, that your joy may be full." My heart was filled with joy. What it meant to me, and really meant because I asked and I really, really believed, was that the beatings were going to stop.

The next day my father beat me to unconsciousness. It was the worst beating of my life, and by no means the last. Where did I go wrong? That was when I realized I could not trust God. He wasn't there for me.

Over the years there have been so many just normal things I wanted from God that He withheld, that He refused to give. Love. One special person (male, because that's the way I swing) to love and to love me. A decent home (not a mansion) in a safe neighborhood. Financial resources to adequately care for my children. A couch. Nothing extravagant. Absolutely nothing extravagant. Just the low side of normal. I didn't get them. It isn't true that I do not have because I do not ask or ask amiss that I may consume it on my lusts. (James 4:3) It's true that I have never asked God for anything that wasn't simply on the low side of normal, and even those things He does not give. To me. He gives them to others, but not to me.

I'm not an ex-Christian. But I am fighting with God. For the past 5 years, I have had a stalker in my life. This man is not someone I ever dated, or wanted to date. He is a 62-year-old creep who runs a cult based on "old African religion" (which a web search shows is hoo doo and vodoun, parent religions to voodoo) who "saw" me in 2006 and has proceeded to destroy my life. I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed for protection, and got none. I got punished - the police and other authorities don't seem to believe that stalkers actually exist. I got labeled "crazy" and accused of doing the bizarre things that have been done to myself and targeting him (I didn't even known him when they started) for blame. He has now cost me 4 jobs.

I'm not an ex-Christian. But I am fighting with God.An unrelenting stalker. Really? From an 11-year-old's earnest and fervent prayer full of faith for horrendous abuse to stop, which didn't happen, through an abusive 31-year marriage marked by abject poverty, to being a 61-year-old woman with a cult leader stalking her. Really? I keep telling God that was really overkill. It really was. I haven't learned anything from it. I'm not learning anything from it. It has been the blow that has put my faith into agonal breathing.

Jesus took comfort in His knowledge that nothing could happen to Him without authority being given by His Father Who is in Heaven. Of course, He only lived to be about half my age. I don't take comfort in it. The only conclusion I can reach on this is that God just hates me. I don't know why. It makes me weep. It makes me sob. It makes me scream. God turns His deaf ears to my broken heart.

I still believe God exists. I really do. I do believe He is all knowing. I hope He's all powerful, but I'm not sure. I do know He doesn't protect me. He seldom blesses me. I don't know why He, in His omniscience, has chosen me for unrelenting suffering. I don't know why.

He did give me two children, but their lives are cursed in many of the same ways as mine. I continually pray for good things for them. At 29 and 31, they can't find love. Their finances are somewhat better than mine. But they can't find love.

Other than that, whenever God runs a nice blessing across my hand, He jerks it away from me before I can even finish telling Him how grateful I am for it. I accuse Him of not caring, of not loving me. He is silent. I wish I was wrong. But it seems I am not.

I have faith in His love for other people. I see many people blessed by Him. I have been relegated to spiritual solitary confinement and forgotten by Him.

I know there are those who are worse off than I am. I know there are those who are starving. I have been hungry and not known where the next meal was coming, or when, but I haven't starved yet. I know there are those who are homeless. I have a crappy two-room (not two bedrooms, which is what most people hear when I say two rooms, just 2 rooms) apartment that is dark and cold and I hate it, but it's better than a tent under the bridge.

Although the Bible says there is no partiality with God, it seems there is, and I am in the group of people He really doesn't like. It hurts. His silence hurts. To be rejected by God is a terrible thing. Does it ever end? Not yet, in 61 years. If He changes His attitude towards me, I'll be sure to return and let you know. And if He does, I'll be sure to tell you how it happened. Right now, He seems to be set against me for life, and unmoving and unmovable in it.

I am very happy to join ex-christians. We probably left Christianity for different reasons... I will try to summarize my testimony.

Well I started to join "born again Christians" when I was 18 and in the beginning it was so nice. I had some spiritual needs, people looked so nice. It was like a new family. Then all my friends were there, I had few unbelievers friends ..I followed different churches in 20 years like pentecostal, evangelical...And I did not realize that I received more and more a bible brainwashing. All seemed so true. People said it was the truth, Jesus would provide all my needs. You know what ? Nothing happened with that !!.

Then I started to feel anger in me and now I know it was my small voice that said that something was going wrong..but as soon as you start doubting your "new family" says that you must trust Jesus, he takes care of you, you mustn’t listen to the devil which try to keep you away from faith...and as soon as you have more and more struggles, you pray and you pray...you wait one year, five years and more....and finally my health got worst, I started to have more phobias and fears that developed...Oh my friend you just have to pray, this is the devil...well in 2006 I started to open my eyes after having been with a group in a house, because my emotional health got worst. I really and truly think that if you do not revolt you cannot go out of a brainwashing.

Christians put pressure they will say that if you are angry it is a sin, you must confess and forsake it. In fact anger is absolutely a normal when you have been abused !....

All is done to keep you with the group and in fear. They will use difference sort of manipulation and fear is the best weapon. In another side, you are like in a cocoon...because you also live intense relationships, you pray with others, you have “new friends” and your "new spiritual family". They give you a so dark image of the world, people are lost, you not....and you feel more and more like in another world. You feel disconnected with your family which is not “saved”. They put pressure about the end of the world, the rapture of Jesus and you truly believe that. All seems sooo true : look the world the devil is everywhere… It took 5 years to really understand I was in a circle after it triggered in my mind for the first time : revolt-spiritual needs and I followed traditional churches and the biblical doctrine came back in my brain-struggle-no answer to my prayer-revolt..

Now I know I must be very careful but one thing is absolutely true : I could never agree the bible and the beliefs. It is absolutely true that bible is not true. Some Christians proclaim miracles, but I was a witness that it is not always the case : I went to the funeral of a baby who died despite all the prayers, and when you see a small coffin this is something you can never forget . I also met a woman in a past church who died also although all the church prayed for her. In fact, doctors explain very well that some people can suddenly heal of a disease without prayer. Miracle can happen but not only in Christianity. If you tell them that they will say that the miracles are demoniac or satanic, if for example it happens in another religion or belief. I have been so disappointed, I lost 20 years of my youth years but now a new life is starting for me. I knew this state of euphoria. Today for me, Jesus like a guru that blew “ cold and warm “(threats and love)....I wasted time for a man that has never been a good man, or so caring for me. But after a while I realized the life is drawing me to another belief that is mine.

It takes a lot of time to let all brainwashing go out. Now I feel free. I encountered loneliness but I am so happy to know different people , I can laugh for everything and anything. This is not the case when you don't think yourself anymore. All this world of Christianity and most fundamentalist, etc... is a mirage. People believe to illusions. Most of them have been trapped when they were vulnerable. I know people that have been brainwashed very quickly: one or two weeks. When you listen to them they have like another personality that is not their personality. They speak with a monotone voice, like if they learned a text by heart...All spontaneity has just gone excepted for their "new belief"...I never had a guru in a church but Jesus was shown like a guru. During all these years I just encountered incoherence with the Jesus in the Bible. Nothing happened. But this is your own interpretation that makes think this book is truth.

Do not think because the bible speaks about love, forgiveness that is a good book. It is a trap. If this book talked only about threats and sins I think nobody would like to read it. But it is a trap because there is a mix of nice and bad things and there is nothing better to bring confusion. This book in fact teaches guilt and when it is time to let all brainwashing going out, you understand it very well : Fear of hell or to loose my salvation left me after many months and a lot of struggle. It was so difficult to go out of my brain. Sometimes it happens that the doctrine tries to keep me back because it takes time.

Today I am just happy and feel lucky because I know that very few go out and have courage to go through the bad time of going out : after a while and euphoria when you find your own thoughts again, many go through a depression like me. But it is worth wile. It costly but after a storm the blue sky is there again. The most dangerous is when you loose all your criticism state and every time you try to confront Christians they try to keep your mouth closed with fear. But life is there, I am healthy and now I can move on.

It’s a bit difficult to pull up the relevant details of my deconversion from the recesses of my mind, but there is far less pressure laying it out before fellow nonbelievers rather than believers who are intent on sniffing out the places I went “wrong.” That being said, I guess I’ll start with my background.

I was raised by Reformed Baptist parents. My father has a PhD in Theology and was the pastor of my church for the first eleven years of my life. He only stopped preaching when we moved closer to my mom’s family, and he found a much more profitable job as a software engineer. Fortunately, my father is a jack of many trades. Not all pastors are so lucky. I always trusted that everything I was taught as truth in church actually was true, and I don’t remember second-guessing or questioning any of it when I was younger. In high school, I was honestly pretty bored with the Bible. I insisted that I was a believer, but I rarely read my Bible or prayed, though I did attend church every week. It wasn’t part of my local Christian youth culture to be doing those things, so I rarely felt convicted about it. My mom would always tell me to read my Bible and pray whenever I came across more trying spells, but I only made half-hearted attempts.

By the time I went to public university, I had been exposed to the mega-church scene and decided they were full of hypocrites, a judgment affected by my Reformed upraising. I figured most Christians at college would be part of this movement, and I did not want to associate with them. The first semester of college, I found myself becoming increasingly depressed and ultimately came to “realize” it was because I was disobeying God. I thought that I really needed fellowship. So, I became involved at the Baptist center on campus and subsequently led multiple Bible studies there and also became president of a separate Bible study club that I had been attending since I first got to college (even in my resistant first semester). This was as “on fire for God” as I got, though my experience as a Christian was rarely an emotional one. I was raised in a pretty stiff religious environment, after all.

I believed I was growing in my faith, but even so, doubt started to creep up the summer after my sophomore year. This sent me into all sorts of existential turmoil my whole first semester of junior year. I managed to get by academically, but I came out scarred from that experience and even had to step down from leading a Bible study halfway through the semester. I’ve always been insistent on being honest about my experiences, so I never put up a front with my fellow Christians. I managed to repress my doubts by second semester and went on like “normal.”

I didn’t want to quit believing. It was not my choice.I yearned for Truth, but every time I earnestly sought after it, I always got wrapped up in theological questions that couldn’t be answered. By the second semester of my senior year, I sunk pretty deeply into self-loathing depression. It took every bit of energy I could muster just to walk to classes and not cry during them. My doubt felt like it was eating away at my soul. Of course at the time, I thought it was Satan attacking me. Prayers seemed to bounce of the walls. My Bible seemed old and cliché. All of my closest friends were Christians and had no idea what to do with me.

I finally convinced myself it’d all be better after graduation. I had decided it was the academic atmosphere of college that was causing all of my doubts, and once I left that environment my faith would grow stronger again.

When that didn’t happen, I finally took charge and let myself tackle the major presuppositions and questions in Christianity that I kept shying away from before. I charged at them just a few months ago, and when I conceded to the failure of Christianity I finally admitted to myself that I am no longer a Christian.

I didn’t want to quit believing. It was not my choice. I’ve disappointed my family and my friends, but at this point I couldn’t believe again even if I tried. I am sad religion has to cause such division when it’s under the illusion that it’s working toward peace.

Every now and then it pops up in postings here about how stupid and religious everyone in the South is. While everyone is entitled to their opinions, that entitlement doesn’t mean I have to like what they say, nor does it mean I have to remain silent. Quite frankly, such sweeping assumptions irritate me (especially on those occasions I find myself making them).

There are more than just a few of us regulars who are from the South. While that may come as a shock to some people who like thinking that the South is nothing but border to border churches, they should be realizing that deconversions are happening everywhere, and if churches are losing members on a regular basis, exactly WHERE do you think the majority of losses would be? Perhaps in areas where there are more religious people?

I cannot speak for others here, but I can promise you that I no more like hearing that EVERYONE in the South is a religious moron no more than anyone here likes hearing how they were never a True Christian to start with. However, if someone were to say there seems to be a lot of religious morons in the South, I could agree wholeheartedly because it is true. There ARE a lot of religious morons here. The fact that there is a lot of religion in the South does not mean that everyone in the South is religious. Not every person of Asian descent is a master at a martial art. Not every Hispanic is here illegally. Not every woman likes cooking and wearing 6” stiletto heels. Not every man likes sports.

The next time you want to say that all Southerners are religious, just ask yourself where you were before you deconverted? Worshiping God? Going to church? Reading your bible? Giving tithes to your church? Trying to gain converts to the cause? Praying to Jesus for blessings? And that makes you different from religious Southerns…. how?

I’ve never had much affinity for Pascal’s Wager. The whole thing is pretty hard to take seriously with the heap of objections that immediately come to mind after hearing it. However, I do think there is something to be said about it. First of all though, here’s a shortened and condensed version of Pascal’s Wager:

Premise 2: Every person must choose whether they believe that he does or does not exist.

Premise 3: If God exists, after death those who believe in him experience eternal life and happiness and those who do not believe experience eternal misery.

Premise 4: If God does not exist, those who believe in him will have wasted some time on earth doing some things they didn’t need to do and those who didn’t believe in him will have avoided this.

Premise 5: It is better to sacrifice some time on earth to do what’s required to appease God than to not believe in him and take the risk of ending up in a place of eternal torment.

CONCLUSION: It is in one’s best interest to wager that God exists.

Now I don’t know if I need to list the reasons why this argument is flawed, but I’ll mention a few:

1. Which God? The wager is assuming some idea of the Christian God, but shouldn’t gods of the other religions and the consequences of not believing in them be factored in? What if you jump through all the hoops to stay out of one hell and then find yourself in another religion’s hell?

2. Does believing in God really make your life worse? Maybe believing in God is not ultimately more of a sacrifice than not believing in him.

3. Here’s the main objection I have: a wager is not the same as belief. To “wager” that God exists is not to meet any of the criterion required for being a Christian, by anyone’s standards. And so what if you believe God exists? “Even the demons believe that–and shudder.” (James 2:19)

I could mention more objections, but my point here isn’t to show how silly Pascal’s Wager is. I believe that there is something else that can be gleaned from the argument he presented. I think Pascal’s Wager brings attention to something that is inherent to belief itself. To demonstrate what I mean, I’m going to write out my own version of Pascal’s Wager:

Premise 1: There is an afterlife (of some sort) or there is not.

Premise 2: I have beliefs about the nature of the afterlife (or lack thereof).

Premise 3: The particular belief I have about the afterlife (or lack thereof) excludes the possibility of my belief in some other possible truths about the afterlife (e.g., as long as I believe that there is NO afterlife, I cannot at the same time believe that there IS an afterlife, since these are mutually exclusive).

Premise 4: Some of the possibilities about the afterlife that have been excluded have consequences for not believing them.

Premise 5: Due to the contradictory nature of many possibilities of the afterlife, it is not logically possible to believe that all of them are true (in hopes of avoiding all possible negative outcomes).

Premise 6: Choosing to “not choose” still leaves me at risk of many afterlife possibilities.

Premise 7: No matter what I choose, or choose not to choose, I am putting myself in serious risk.

CONCLUSION: We’re all screwed.

So how is one to decide what to believe about the afterlife? My answer to that question is “faith” (or “trust,” if you like). I don’t see there being any sense in running around in circles researching every last possibility about the afterlife to ensure that one has made the correct choice. No amount of research could even do that, because all of it is just speculation. What I think is more sensible is to look around at one’s experiences, what they’ve heard, seen and learned and decide what seems most likely to them. I did that and concluded from my experiences that the possibility of there being an afterlife is highly improbable and I don’t see any good reason to believe there is one at all, so I don’t believe. But that’s just my experience. I could be wrong, in which case I’m probably completely screwed, but I’m willing to take that risk. In my mind, it’s no risk at all.

To tell the truth, "vacation” isn’t the natural word for the time, as it consisted mostly of traveling and visiting we would not ordinarily choose to do, and eating out almost constantly. Somehow, the stressfulness of it all turned out positively. I will relate only those events pertinent to this site.

First of all, it actually started when I sent a note to my wife’s sister, Sue, two weeks before we left for the trip, asking if she still believed in a kind and loving heavenly father after what she had witnessed in the hospital room as her nephew Tony died while spitting blood all over the place. (That whole story, "Tony Gable," is here: http://new.exchristian.net/2011/10/tony-gable.html.) I was certain of her response but wanted confirmation from her own lips. I asked for a simple yes or no answer. More on this later.

We arrived on Oct. 7th, around 4:30 p.m. There was no answer at my wife's sister Mary's house, although she expected us. Long story short, the EMT's came over and found her. Mary is a "brittle" diabetic, had fallen down, and had been without food or insulin since 7 a.m. Serious. The EMTs left but had to be called back the next morning. It was during the night before that I had an experience in moving Mary, who was dead-weight beyond her control. While lifting and edging her along, I felt a sudden sense of sacredness about the human body, a gentleness that would do no harm to her. We spent several hours together in the days afterward, while she was in the hospital, and that strange feeling was never far from my consciousness.

Throughout our vacation, as much as possible, I wore my "Out of the closet ATHEIST" cap. I only got 2 reactions worth reporting. At an oft-frequented restaurant, I got a reaction of barely hidden distaste from a waitress wearing a cross almost as big as the abbot’s from my monastic days. Then there was the man in his 50's, who commented in front of a young boy (don't the believers know that children hear them?), something about me being, "Not forgiven." Maybe the dancing "Snoopy" on the cap's brim confused them. A HAPPY atheist? Could it be?

Two or three days after we arrived, we, and about 15 other relatives, were invited to Sue's house for a gala celebration of her, my wife's, and others', birthdays. I found myself in the midst of a combined Catholic/religious-right environment, extended family style. A few of us were in the kitchen, with Sue at the stove, about 20 feet from me. I sat at the dining table talking to another sister-in-law, Joyce, with my back to Sue. Joyce asked me something, mentioning "God," and I told her I'm an atheist. She was surprised, so I said a few more words to explain, and got up. As I turned, there was Sue, in my face, telling me that yes, she still believed in her god, and I said, "Thanks, that's all I wanted to know."

That was not enough for Sue, however, and the fact that I suggested there is no god set her off. She went into Bible-babble, rattling off, "I am the way, the truth and the life,” . . . blah, blah, during which I stopped her several times, because those things had nothing to do with the subject, which was the existence of her god. (When I reflected on this scene later, it seemed like her whole spiel came from the priest’s mouth in "The Exorcist."). If you know me, then you know I just HAD to mention that, according to her Bible, her god had drowned children. There was a teenage girl in the room, and I hoped she would later consider this, along with the other facts I mentioned.

In the midst of all this, Sue’s son, Tim, came up next to me to ask, "And where do you get YOUR morals from?" I said, "From my conscience." He sneered at this. "God gives you your conscience," he said.

Note to Tim: Since you haven't noticed, your Bible-god DOES NOT HAVE a conscience; so how can he give what he doesn't have? And pointing out in that atmosphere that apes also have a "conscience" would have been a waste of words.

Things grew quiet, as Sue had to tell everyone present about the morning Tony died and about how a four year old girl related a dream of "meeting Tony in heaven." What a comforting "testimony!" (Of course children don't tell adults what they want to hear, right?) Then, I mentioned a question I put on a Christian website that got everyone’s interest. It went like this: I told how a co-worker, 44 years old, died of a heart attack. His wife told me she was concerned because he was not a church-goer, so was he in Hell? (I know, I know . . . it's all B.S. to us, but these people take it seriously.) So I asked the website: What if someone dies who doesn’t accept - cannot accept - your savior, and then, after he dies, Jesus reveals himself, showing all that is said about him is in fact true, and the skeptic says, "Sure I can accept you." Then, said I, he must go into heavenly bliss; it’s only fair and merciful. THEIR answer was that after death was too late . . . and THEY ought to know, right? Hardly breaking for a breath, I added the fact that two weeks after I first posed this question, a minister proposed that such a thing could be possible, and quoted Bible verses to support his contention. My question wasn't worth much, but when a "man of God" asked it, suddenly it has validity?

I related to Sue and company how a Japanese child, after the earthquake/tsunami in Japan, asked the pope how God could have allowed such a thing to happen. When I asked Sue what she thought the pope responded, she said, "I don't know.” And I replied, "That's right, that's exactly what he said, and every pope, priest, rabbi and minister ought to have tattooed on his forehead, "I DON'T KNOW."

Me, speaking out against the arrogant proclamations, the unmitigated chutzpah of her god's spokespersons? To go from being a pacific introvert to social commentator, to human rights advocate, calling a spade a spade? Honestly, the burden of truth-finding is scary, taking me into an unfamiliar neighborhood of sensitivity-to-truth and honesty.

As for the impenetrable faith of Sue, her arguments have had quite the opposite effect she intended, for she has given me even more reasons why I must reject her god. These experiences have left me considering that my denial of their god's existence has less to do with me than with them. This stems from a suspicion that behind one's "letting go of God", there is, in them, a very real fear, maybe even a frightening one, that THEY might fall into becoming helplessly wicked and totally under the control of their "immoral" and "tempting impulses;" they fear what they might become, as well as what my non-belief represents. Yes, this makes sense. It is the very same fear that drove their hero, the conflicted, soul-at-war-with-body St. Paul; it is the fear that cults use to control their faithful.

My beloved wife thinks I baited Sue, and maybe I did. I'm tired of the religious righteous pushing our government and civil rights up against the wall. They need to be challenged in their aggressiveness. She thinks I just enjoy being "different," a rebel. (Was Rosa Parks a rebel, MLK Jr., anyone who stands up for human rights?) In discussing this with my wife, something dawned on me. I asked her, "If I told them I was gay, wouldn't they have treated me with the same fight? Yes, I'll bet they would react the same. I know they would have."

The following Saturday, in the same restaurant, a different waitress told my wife and I that she was recently baptized and would send her two small girls "to St. John Vianney school." We found out she only worked weekends. The following Saturday, I spoke to her alone at the register. I told her I had lain awake for two hours that night, thinking about her daughters. I told her to beware of pedophile priests, as I feared for her children’s welfare, having been a young victim of a pedophile myself. I added that I had asked my wife, "If you, raised as a Catholic were still so, would you remain Catholic?" My wife had answered that she would flee that church over their cover-ups. I gave the waitress the news printout about the charges to bring the pope and Vatican to the world court for crimes against humanity. She thanked me. We do what we can. Take it from the religion toxic-cleanup man.

The next day, my sister-in-law, Mary, now back from the hospital, watched a live broadcast of the Pope saying mass on TV. She said, "I don't like this pope. I think he's sneaky." I told her she's right, and how as a cardinal he dictated the cover-up pedophile policy, to the extent of calling the victims liars and threatening the clergy with excommunication if they revealed what was happening. (There's so much IGNORANCE out there!)

A couple of days before our departure, I visited with my last surviving brother again, alone. We sat talking over breakfast, and I told him about my accident in the monastery. Three of us were walking in a barn under construction, and suddenly I found myself in the arms of a brother, outside the building. It was explained that a scaffold had broken loose, fell, and hit me in the head, and if something solid had been behind I me, I would have been dead at age 15. I had no recollection or consciousness of the time I was out. It was the same as coming out of anesthesia after a surgery, with no awareness of the time I was "out." What if that time had been days, years, or eternity? I would no longer be aware, because there would be no "Me" to be aware of. (And I have seen those who were almost there. As Sue said when Tony lay dying, "Tony isn't Tony anymore.")

So, we're back home and I'm thinking about what to write to Sue, and others. Any suggestions? Or should I just not bother?

As a postscript, I am thankful to Sue for the opportunity to exercise free speech in her home. I also appreciated her occasional willingness to listen to a different viewpoint on religion.

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