Wednesday, March 10, 2010

the final countdown

Only 13 days left until my triumphant return to Japan. Or at least, I'm hoping it's triumphant. I like to live constantly on the brink of disaster, which I guess we all do if you think about it. Still waiting for that work visa...

I've finally finished an essay--I think. I feel like it's missing something but I'm scared that if I keep adding to it that I'll never let it go. My new goal, which I WILL accomplish, is to submit it to at least two places before I fly away.

When I think about the fact that this time I'll be gone for at least a year, I feel like I did when I was little and I used to get asthma attacks. I feel my windpipe tighten. It's similar to the way I felt the week I graduated college and I went to a career fair on campus wearing a borrowed suit, clutching folders full of resumes. I guess overwhelmed is the word I'm looking for.

I'm excited and ready to be back in my element, i.e. traveling and living with my other half, but I've also really enjoyed being here. I think that this time, I'm actually going to miss Georgia. I guess that means I'm finally thinking of this place as home. Hell, I'll even miss America as a whole. I'll miss seeing so much diversity at the grocery store every weekend. I'll miss being able to understand people and ask for help without struggling. I'll miss being able to read labels. I'll miss wearing short skirts without tights underneath and clothes with holes in them. I'll miss cheap beer and talking to people who have known me for years.

The throat-tightening thoughts that I've been having all center on one idea: that we can never have it all. To choose any way of living is to give up another. I'm exchanging a comfortable life in a country that I know for a life of the unfamiliar, a life that I hope will challenge me and ultimately lead me to doing greater things. I just wish that I could take along all the people that I love. That's the worst thought of all--that I'm giving up time with my family and friends to have time to learn. I've learned all I can from this place. Twenty-three years is long enough in southern Georgia. The weather's been so beautiful lately I almost forget that in two months, this place will feel like an armpit again.