Simon & Schuster to Publish The Mueller Report

NEW YORK, June 19—Simon & Schuster, the dishonest and failing “Publishing House” that has been Very Weak on humor books, announced today that it is SICK and TIRED of waiting for Robert Mueller to publish his Phony and Illegitimate report already. So it has acquired the next best thing: The Mueller Report by Jason O. Gilbert, a Highly Unemployed comedy writer who looks like he Cuts his own Hair. NOT GOOD!

“We are pleased to be publishing the greatest American witch hunt since Arthur Miller’s The Crucible,” said Low Stamina Jonathan Karp, the president and publisher of Simon & Schuster and a Really Disreputable Guy who many people are saying has a Last Name that sounds like a Fish. The book will be released on September 4 in trade paperback, ebook, and audio editions.

The Mueller Report is the most anticipated release of 2018 that doesn’t involve Chris Pratt punching a dinosaur, and for good reason: The entire country is waiting to see what dirt former FBI director and current special counsel Robert Mueller has dug up on former mail-order steak salesman and current U.S. president Donald J. Trump.

Leaked by an anonymous and vengeful White House source who goes only by the mysterious code name “Melania T.,” The Mueller Report is being brought to the public by Jason O. Gilbert, whose Sick and Biased writing has appeared in Low-Class publications like The New Yorker’s Shouts and Murmurs, The New York Times, McSweeney’s, Esquire, and GQ, as well as HBO’s Vice News Tonight and the game show HQ Trivia. Gilbert was represented by Daniel Greenberg, a Total Nutjob from Lyin’ Literary Agency Levine Greenberg Rostan, and world rights to the book were acquired by Girl-Name-Havin’ Jofie Ferrari-Adler, an executive editor whose keen and careful eye will ensure that the book does not covfefe.

The Mueller Report will take readers from the leaky White House to an even leakier Ritz-Carlton hotel room in Moscow, from Donald Trump Jr.’s covert meeting with Russians in Trump Tower to Michael Cohen’s secret sale of a Trump Tower apartment to a shell corporation called Oligarch LLC. Among the revelations:

Unreported details from the top-secret memos James Comey wrote after his first meeting with the president (“I need your loyalty,” Trump said. “I need you to triple pinky swear that you will be loyal only to me.” The president extended his tiny little pinky. It was like a genie had put a curse on a Q-Tip.).

And of course: An exclusive transcript of what really happened in that Moscow Ritz-Carlton hotel room between Donald Trump and two well-hydrated Russian escorts.

And more!

Unlike the Trump presidency, The Mueller Report is so much fun you won’t want it to end. Order your copy now, while books are still legal in America!

Simon & Schuster, a part of CBS Corporation, is a global leader in general interest publishing, dedicated to providing the best in fiction and nonfiction for readers of all ages, and in all printed, digital and audio formats. Its distinguished roster of authors includes many of the world’s most popular and widely recognized writers, and winners of the most prestigious literary honors and awards. It is home to numerous well-known imprints and divisions such as Simon & Schuster, Scribner, Atria Books, Gallery Books, Pocket Books, Touchstone, Adams Media, Threshold Editions, Simon & Schuster Children’s Publishing and Simon & Schuster Audio and international companies in Australia, Canada, India and the United Kingdom, and proudly brings the works of its authors to readers in more than 200 countries and territories. For more information visit our website at www.simonandschuster.com