General Question

Do you have advice for parents of a teen with sexual identity issues?

We have a 15 year old daughter. A couple of years ago she told us she thinks she is bisexual. We didn’t make a big deal of it but suggested she just be herself and finish growing up and learning who she is in all respects.

This morning before she went to school she left some cupcakes on the counter that she’d told me were for a friend’s birthday, but instead she’d used the cupcakes to spell She Is A He. I texted her and she said the “she” is herself and that “she is a guy.”

I am rather confused. While our daughter has never been a girly girl, she has also never been much like a boy (there are a lot of boys in our family). She has never before identified as a boy and in fact, when she was younger and didn’t have much hair, she would get angry if anyone mistook her for a boy. While I am sure she knows how she feels better than I do, I suspect she is over-thinking something and confusing her feelings.

I already told her that her dad and I love and support her regardless but that she doesn’t need to label herself any more than anyone else should label her. Of course I will sit down and talk to her. I plan on asking her what makes her think she is a boy and how long she’s felt this way.

Is there a way I can urge her to slow down with slapping a name on who she is? She is so young and I think she identifies strongly with the injustices facing LGBT people, romanticizes same sex relationships, and has really immersed herself in this world through books, the internet, school groups, etc. Not that she has been “made gay” by these things, but that it is combining with her going through puberty, having sexual feelings develop, etc. Honestly, I think she looking for ways to fit into the small group of kids who are out at her school because she admires them and feels strongly about the issue. But, I can’t tell her that. She is really stubborn.

I am afraid that if I ask her to wait to “come out” or caution her to think twice about telling people she is a boy she will think I am trying to talk her out of it. I did look up some articles about the difference between transgender and gender nonconformity, and I have to say that nonconformity sounds more like how she’s always been.

Some of my questions seem silly. If she identifies as a boy, why are all her good friends (and this has always been the case) are girls, and should I still let her have them for sleepovers?

Please don’t answer if you think sexuality is a choice or if you have something unpleasant to say about my daughter or our family. I am well aware of such opinions and don’t need them right now.

32 Answers

I don’t have a clearcut answer for you but I think your instincts sound great and your opening and questioning attitude should help guide you. As always with parenting listening more than talking is important. You might try to encourage her not to come out just yet but that could blow up in your face if she is determined to. Remember anything is reversable (short of transgender surgery) so even if she changes her mind later in life, she can. It sounds like you have a good relationship with her, are supportive and are educating yourself. And kudos to you for being a great Mom!

And Welcome to Fluther! We have a number of people here with varying gender identities so this can be a great resource for you.

Wow. What a great mom.
As near as I can tell, you’re doing everything right. Trust your instincts – they seem to be serving you better than 90% of the rest of the population with teens, identity issues or not.

I’m 18 and male. If I were asked about my sexuality or my gender at 15 by my parents, I would be bothered. I would certainly turn down the conversation because it is a personal issue that I do not feel like discussing with them. I’d find it kind of nosy, but I understand that you mean well.
I can’t really answer your question, either, just that I think you should give it some time. I’d just wait for a good time if she brings something relative up and tell her that there’s no need to give herself harsh labels. When I look back at my early teenage years, I am embarrassed at how different of a person I was, so she could definitely still be changing. But if she is serious, then there’s nothing wrong about that.
Is it affecting her social life or her overall happiness?

She is so young and I think she identifies strongly with the injustices facing LGBT people, romanticizes same sex relationships, and has really immersed herself in this world through books, the internet, school groups, etc. Not that she has been “made gay” by these things, but that it is combining with her going through puberty, having sexual feelings develop, etc.
I think these media are something to thank, honestly. Before these things, it was very difficult for a person who wasn’t heterosexual to fit in and find a niche in society.

dxs, I agree, but she is the one who brought the issue to our attention. She wouldn’t have left a cupcake message if she didn’t want us to be aware of it.

But I do think you are right about how much people change. I literally cringe sometimes when I think of how I acted as teenager and that is part of why I think she should just chill and be who she is from day to day without the labels.

Gender is a difficult thing, it’s not really a switch between “male” or “female”; it’ more like a continuum with “male” on one end and “female” on the other, and a whole gradient of alternatives inbetween.

As a transsexual (female to male) person myself, I will say this; I knew, when I was as young as six years old, that I should have been a boy. I used to go to bed every night and wish, really really hard, that when I woke up I would be a boy. Of course I never did and eventually I figured out that there’s no such thing as magic, or God, or Santa Claus, and I wasn’t going to turn into a boy overnight. Enough people told me “don’t be so stupid” that I stopped talking about it and eventually even stopped thinking about it. Still I continued to be non-conformist; from a tomboy child to a butch adult. When I finally discovered that there was such a thing as a transsexual man (born female), and that there were medical solutions available, I knew immediately that that’s what I had to do, and by that stage when I came out to my friends and family as trans, not many of them were surprised.

My point is, if your daughter is genuinely trans, she will almost certainly have known this for a very long time. However she may have denied or repressed it, or may have been too afraid to talk about it or express it. So the absence of any obvious masculinity in her past history can’t be used as proof that she’s wrong.

On the other hand, she is still very young and she’s got plenty of time to make up her mind (I didn’t start transitioning until I was 42, and some people leave it even later). To some extent I think the labelling thing is a product of the internet age; there’s such a plethora of information out there it’s often hard to filter out what applies and what doesn’t. I certainly never labelled myself as trans or genderqueer or anything of that sort. I just “had a boy’s mind”.

At this stage in her life she has enough freedom to experiment without doing anything permanent to her body. The way she dresses or cuts her hair, the name she chooses to call herself, and so on; I think it’s pretty safe to allow her to express her masculinity in these ways (provided that she’s safe from bullying at school). As she gets older she might change her mind again, or she might not. Either way, no harm is done.

For what it’s worth, when I was a pre-teen kid I also insisted on short hair and boyish clothes, and I was still cross when people said I was a boy. When I look back on it all, I think I was just scared that they were exposing my secret.

She’s a teenager. A ball of confused sexual and emotional energy. I think it’s best to give this issue some space until she fills you in on any life decisions. I think you’re doing a good job so far. Just continue to be there.

You have already told her the most important thing of all, namely that she will continue to be loved by both her parents regardless. That is so tremendously important for her to know at this confusing time for her. And its likely the reason she felt free to open up to you by leaving that hint with the cupcakes.

Is there a PFlag group in your area (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)? This could be a wonderful resource for you.

There’s also the possibility of finding a therapist who is experienced with teens and gender identity issues and the parents in this group could provide references for the best ones in the area.

Ask her how she would feel about the possibility of consulting with a person like that. Sometimes another adult can give them the same advice as you, the parents, (such as don’t be in a rush to label yourself) and it will be better received.

And, on the other hand, if she really is transgender, a professional would be a good source of guidance.

@NoClue I am a gay man, and I have many trans friends of both gender identities. I am lucky to live in a place that has a long history of acceptance of trans persons.

I congratulate you on educating yourself. That is a wonderful thing to do. You sound like you are doing a lot of things right. Most importantly, you are reaching out for help in understanding.

I am very glad to see @downtide has joined this discussion. He has a lot to offer, and I respect his words on this topic especially.

I would like to offer some words of my own, if I may. I’m sorry, but these will sound like orders, because I am unsure how to write them any other way. Please, don’t read them as commands. Also, I’m going to write using male pronouns, because your daughter/son has told you she is he.

Do not question your son’s decision about how to identify himself. Instead, be supportive. Yes, this is indeed a big change for you. Think of how big a change this is for him.

Ask him questions. Ask how he would like to be addressed. If he insists he wishes to be called a boy and addressed with male pronouns, do it. If he wants to change the name he goes by, allow that and support it.

Tell him about your efforts to educate yourself on the issue. Offer to share the materials you have found. Before you share anything with him, read them thoroughly making sure they are affirming of transgender people.

Reassure him often that your love is unconditional.

Ask him if he would like counselling. If he says he would, find a psychologist who is affirming of transgender issues. I wish I could point you to an organization who would have a list of such psychologists. If you don’t know where to start, I recommend PFLAG.org. Strictly speaking, they do not have transgender in their name, but they may be able to steer you in the right direction wherever you live. They are a national organization.

Reassure him again that you love him. You can’t do this often enough.

Now, I would like to switch back addressing you, @NoClue. Don’t forget to breathe. Take walks in the park. Take care of you. We live in a busy world, and it is easy to get too busy taking care of everyone else. We can often neglect us. Allow you to be confused. Ask for counselling for you, too. One or two trips to a psychologist may be all you need, but it may help answer a lot of questions for you. Find a support group, if one exists in your area. Smile and enjoy the adventure that is life.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

Possibly she got upset to be mistaken for a boy when she was younger, because she felt people “knew” she felt uneasy about her gender identification. I’m just guessing here, but the gay men I know who were taunted, even if it was very mild taunting, by schoolmates who called them gay or used derogatory terms like faggot, those words are a real blow to the young men who actually are gay from what I can tell. They feel their secret is possibly visible to others when they are trying to hide it or figure it out for themselves.

I think this is so tricky. I agree hanging around with that crowd reinforces her thoughts. But, if she is indeed trans or lesbian, that group could be a refuge and a lot of help. To some extent who you hang around with does have influence, but like you said it probably isn’t the cause of her mixed feelings. It sounds like you have done well reinforcing that you love her and her support her. Maybe if she saw a counselor she could talk some things through? I oersnally would not get a therapist who specializes in gender issues right of the bat. I would look for someone who specializes in adolescence. That’s my unprofessional opinion.

You have got great advice above. I wish more parents were supportive like you. Being a teenager is hard and they go through lots of different stages trying to find out who they are. Many teenagers get same-sex crushes around this age. Some turn out to be bisexual, some don’t. May be she is just experimenting. Allowing her to figure this out on her own is the best solution. Just let her know you are there for her and you love her no matter what, because teens who do not gain support at home are much more likely to have depression and many other issues. Just try to provide her a home environment that feels safe. This book may be helpful. Lead With Love is a 35-minute documentary which has a good message for parents. So just help your daughter along and always encourage her to hold off on sex. I promise, she’ll thank you later.

@NoClue Indeed welcome to Fluther. You seem to be an open-minded and very loving parent. Would that all kids facing confusing gender identity issues could have the same.

Gender identification is an incredibly complex issue. We’d like it to be simple. If we thought of a scale with birth-gender/gender-identity; a relatively simple scale would run female/female, female/male, male/female male/male. It’s actually far more complex that that, though. From the time I was a tiny child, I wanted to be a girl. When I was still tiny, I asked my mom for a pretty nylon nightgown to sleep in. But it wasn’t that simple. I wanted to be a girl because I thought girls were pretty and I liked the beautiful clothes they wore. There was a sexual component to that desire, and that component was driven by a male part of me, desiring myself as a sex object.

I cross-dressed throughout my youth, and in young adulthood, I very seriously explored sex reassignment surgery. As one of the requirements, I lived and worked as a woman for a year while on hormone therapy. The end game came when I realized I was not as female as I wished to be, and that no amount of medical intervention could give me XX chromosomes. When I came to that realization, I switched course and decided to make the best of the maleness nature had given me. I’m glad I still have my feminine self down inside, but not many who know me today have a clue it’s there.

I don’t tell you al this to suggest your daughter is anything remotely like me. I’m probably one of a kind. I say it to illustrate that there is a tremendous spectrum of gender identification in humans, and evolution probably made it that way because it enhances our chances for survival as environmental pressures and conditions change.

I think if your daughter is leaving hints like cupcakes spelling out her confusion, that the advice above to let sleeping dogs lie is ill advised. That dog is awake and ready to hunt. If you have the relationship for it, do have a non-judgmental talk with her. Make it clear that whatever she feels about her gender, she’s your child and you love her unconditionally. If she seems to be a candidate for sex reassignment surgery, get her to a professional psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in such matters. Our secondary sex characteristics are still forming in our teens, and the sooner hormone therapy is started, the more satisfying the outcome.

It sounds like you have a fantastic relationship with your child, and have already done most of the important stuff by laying that groundwork throughout childhood. Listen, introduce the idea of gender non-conformity if s/he isn’t aware of it, ask questions, ask what you can do to support him/her through this process of self-discovery. Please keep us posted on how it all goes.

One of our best known gender non-conforming members is currently (like right this minute!) having a baby, but I’ll send your question to them for later.

This stuff has to be figured out by her.. all you can do is listen, and tell her you love her. Be as accepting and as open as possible- sexuality is not cut and dry. For some, it is quite complex. She may not be able to articulate what she is feeling or thinking yet. She needs to figure it out. :)

Thank you for all the responses. It’s definitely giving me a lot to consider and think about.

I talked to my daughter when she came home from school. I don’t know if it went well. She took my questions as me trying to talk her out of how she feels although I kept telling her that wasn’t the case but I only wanted to understand.

I will say, the more I read about transgender youth, the less and less it sounds like my kid. I mean, I can’t even stress how unlike her it all sounds up until very, very recently. Her IQ is rather high above average and when she was little she sometimes didn’t relate well to kids her age because she didn’t think or talk like them. I think it’s always made her feel like an outsider and that she has chosen this way to express being different even though it really doesn’t seem to fit. She literally never one single time in her entire life until yesterday said she wanted to be something other than a girl. Literally never. And we aren’t the kind of people who would squash or stifle that sort of talk so a kid would be ashamed and try to hide it.

Another sign to me that she should stay open to changing her mind is how she is trying to make her past fit what she feels now. For example she said to me that she’s always gotten along better with boys and been friends with more boys, but this is completely untrue. Until 8th grade, she had maybe two or three friends over the years who were boys that she never once asked to hang out with outside of school or even wanted to invite to her birthday parties. All of her close friends have been girls, and even now that she hangs out with a bigger mixed group, her best friends are girls. I told her she can’t just make up things to fit what she feels now but didn’t want to press the issue.

Maybe I can’t see past stereotypes, but it’s hard for me to imagine that a girl who has always felt actually like a boy would want to wear high heels (she loves them, or did until the past couple of weeks) or who as recently as this past fall would get excited for shopping for vintage dresses. She’s never been a girly girl, into make up and hair and nail polish, but at the same time there is absolutely nothing masculine about her.

Also I don’t think she has thought this through completely. She belongs to an all female organization and I asked if she wanted to continue. The look on her face said she hadn’t even considered that. We talked about which bathroom she’d use, and what the risks are for someone who everyone knows to be physically female to be in a male bathroom at school. She is so naive and I think she can’t imagine that the rest of the world is not like this little safe bubble she lives in. I tried to tell that this is why I think she should dress and be like she wants for now, enjoy being young, have fun with her friends, and focus on school. Save the big battles for when she is older.

Another thing that bothers me is the way she talks about feeling like a boy. It’s not that she can’t just articulate it, but she keeps repeating the same thing over and over, like she read it somewhere. She said being a boy makes her feel safe but couldn’t say what was unsafe about being a girl. It worries me because it makes me think something happened although she swears nothing did. It’s just an odd choice of words. She didn’t say right, or comfortable, or natural, she said safe. I suspect she is overwhelmed by how she is growing up and changing and maybe this is a way of avoiding it. I have to say, she is an extremely attractive girl and I can see how attention could make her uncomfortable.

My husband, who is the most typical guy’s guy you can imagine, took it all in stride and is very supportive as well when talking to her. When we’re alone, he is frustrated and doesn’t understand for the same reasons I outlined above. It doesn’t make sense to us that she could feel this way but offer no clues whatsoever until now.

I did explain to her that I think gender and sexuality are like a scale, with most people falling at one end or the other but maybe she is somewhere in the middle. She has time to figure it out and doesn’t need to designate herself as one thing or another right now.

The problem is she gets very defensive and stubborn and emotional. She doesn’t want to say much and for someone who expects other people to be really open minded, she is frustratingly stuck to her own thoughts.

I did reach out to a local family services group because I think my kid will benefit from talking to an adult that isn’t as emotionally involved. Maybe they can help her figure out why she needs this now and why she feels she has to pretend like her childhood was something other than it was. She has always been one to passionately embrace an interest and swear it is her lifelong goal to do this or be that, then a few months later forgets all about and will swear up and down her current interest has always been THE THING she wants in life.

Sorry for another long rant but I am literally sick with worry over what she will face at school and knowing she has no idea what she is in for. She already told her friends she is transgender and thinks she is a boy. I told her we will figure it out together as we go and for her to be as patient and understanding with us as she wants us to be with her. From what I can tell, all she really wants right now is to get her hair cut and not have to wear dresses. She seemed in good spirits when she went to bed last night.

My husband and I are going to tell her she should talk to us when she needs to and we are just going to try to give her space to figure it out on her own as well as some support as needed from a counselor if we can swing it.

Thanks again for the thoughts and I will try to share an update at some point.

@NoClue Again, I want to repeat what great parents you seem to be. It does sound like she may be more in a period of experimentation with identity rather than a lifetime choice; I can see where now in certain milieu it would seem like the hip thing for teens to be gay, bi or transgender. I think having her talk to a counselor – if she is willing to – is a great idea. And try not to fret too much yourself. It’s a fine line between accepting her for the choices she makes but not wanting to feel that she is locking herself into something. Parenting is not for the faint of heart!!

@NoClue I don’t think her never mentioning it before is a good indicator if she has felt this way before. I have a girlfriend who is the most open and liberal person I know. She has always had gay friends, has always in front of her children not made any distinction between gay couples and straight, and since I have known her she though her youngest son might be gay. He was 2.5 years old when I met her. Over the years she continued to think it was possible, but never said anything to him. Finally, when he was a senior in high school he came out to her, and he was a nervous wreck about telling her. Of course she was just fine with it, and she always thought so anyway, but even being raised by a mom who was always very accepting of all people in every way, he had a ton of trouble voicing it to his mother. My girlfriend felt horrible he was fearful of telling her, and she was shocked he was so worried. So, we can’t tell with kids. Parents like to think their children tell them everything, but it simply isn’t true. They have worries we don’t realize.

Having said all that, I still am with you that she might be influenced by those around her, and she might be trying to fit in somewhere, since that has been an issue for her. But, I do think no matter how you word it, she will probably think you are trying to talk her out of it. Now that you say that, I put myself in the child position and pretty much it is impossible for a parent to word it in a way that will feel neutral.

This is why parents sometimes can’t directly help. Children feel judgment, dissapproval, dissappointment, anger, even when it is not there. They are very bad at understanding adult emotions and how intensely parents love them.

I think you have been wonderful throught the whole thing, but trying to help a teen is no easy task.

I think your question is a good one about what she likes about being a boy and doesn’t like about being a girl, and I also thought maybe she was, God forbid, molested or raped or some sort of bad experience. I tend to believe nothing happened, I think in that moment she would have told you, but one never knows. Does she have large breasts, or developed early? Sometimes that is very hard for girls, because they receive unwanted comments and cat calls in school.

I think a counselor is a good idea for her to talk things through. Everything. Troubles at school, feeling lonely (big cause of depression in teens) her gender and sexual identity, all of it. Things she might never tell you. Maybe if you present it as just wanting to help her in general and not trying to figure out her gender specifically she won’t feel you are trying to influence her decision? Hard to know how kids will take things.

Thanks, I think that giving her room is a good idea. I’m also going to suggest she look into gender nonconformity and maybe take that for a test drive, lol.

For the record, she’s always had at least a couple of close friends but since 7th or 8th grade has been a part of a bigger group of girls and boys that are just really great kids. I guess they are the nerdy/geeky crowd but she has lunch and classes with friends, sees them at afterschool events, texts them constantly, and generally socializes with them as much as someone who can’t drive yet is able. I don’t think she is lonely and as she’s gotten older she’s had an easier time finding peers to relate to. She has always been very social and outgoing, quite the chatterbox and pretty unconcerned with the opinions of others as long as no one is being outright mean to her.

@NoClue Well, I was friends with everyone, and generally popular but when junior high came around and my friends started partying and drinking and I wasn’t into it, it got very lonely, and I became very depressed. I still had friends at school and I saw friends in the neighborhood, and once in a while I went to the movies with a friend, but for the most part when my friends were out at bonfires or house parties drinking on the weekend I was at home. The depression was pretty bad. My dad wanted me to talk to him about why I was so unhappy and I couldn’t tell him, because I really had no idea. I know now in retrospect and having been helped by a good therapist, and mostly because I got a job and made friends who didn’t drink or smoke or take pills and I felt great about doing a good job at work also. My parents would have had no idea why I was so sad. I couldn’t articulate it well. I generally felt I could talk to my parents, especially my mom. I told her when I lost my virginity, felt I could ask her questions.

I think if you suggest gender nonconformity it will sound to your daughter like you still are hoping she doesn’t want to be a boy. She will not hear it the way you intend it. Maybe if she had some reading materials she can go through on her own it might help?

@NoClue As others have said, kudos. You do seem to be doing a great job!

I don’t know a lot about this specific topic, but there is one thing I’d like to suggest: How about, instead of talking, you write her a letter? She may be able to understand your worries by reading and re-reading something similar to what you’ve told us. In addition, writing to her instead of about her could help you and your husband organise your thoughts.

You might even consider starting a journal which you use to communicate with your daughter on a regular basis, writing back and forth. I don’t know her, of course, but it’s something to consider.

Gender identity and sexual identity are intertwined but aren’t the same thing and, of course, both are ongoing processes to elaborate for many of us. The same is true of teenagers and most teenagers don’t get supportive parents trying to help them through this. I am glad you are not having some knee jerk reactions to this journey of your child. I think you can look up resources on transgender matters, just to educate yourself. The point is, nothing has to be decided or ‘figured out’ within this week or within this month. A person can be confused or go through stages, change their minds and all of it is fine, all of it is okay. I want to remind you that studies show that teenagers who are transgender are protected against suicide and a lot of other harm if they have just one adult, one parent or caregiver, that accepts them.

@ibstubro My daughter asked what would happen if she was a lesbian. I told her we loved her no matter what she is. She worried that acknowledging another girl was attractive meant she was gay. At the same time, she finds boys attractive. So, then she worried she was bi.

Although we talk frankly about sex, she is still young and innocent. I don’t think she understands sexual desire yet. Until you’ve experienced it, how can you really understand it? At the same time, I’m a parent. So, yeah, I’m all for waiting until she is (a lot) older.

The fact that so many of her friends have already turned in their V card (her words), just muddies the situation more. Since her friends have had sex, she worries that something is wrong with her because she hasn’t even been tempted.

The challenge is to be supportive and not make choices for her. I really think she is straight but just confused. It helps to hear that other parents/people have struggled with the same problems.

No biggie. She is 16. I think it is normal to be confused at that age. I’m not worried about whatever she chooses. I just hate to see her struggle with it. I told her to just let it be. There is plenty of time to make decisions about sex when she is older. For now, just enjoy being young and having fun with her friends. When the time is right, I know she’ll make the right decision.

Well, @Juels, if she intends to marry, and marry ‘till death do us part’, she really only has to make the boy/girl decision once. Up until then, it just needless speculation. I don’t know if you can get her to see that.