Go right to the source

Published: Friday, January 18, 2013 at 03:40 PM.

Q: Thanks, Mr. Pistol, for joining me for this interview today. Ready for some questions?

A: Shoot.

Q: Ahem. What’s your stand on gun control?

A: I guess that depends on the type of control. Are you talking about me being free of human ownership? Locking me away in a cabinet? Bending my barrel? Twisting my trigger? Melting me down for plowshares?

Q: Let’s talk about gun owners, how their ownership roles should make things safer for society.

A: Then you’re not talking about gun control, you’re talking about people control. You’ve got your hands full with that, pal. Good luck.

Q: Surely you’re aware that to many people, you’re a menacing and dangerous presence in our society. You’re an icon of evil to many. How do you respond?

Q: Thanks, Mr. Pistol, for joining me for this interview today. Ready for some questions?

A: Shoot.

Q: Ahem. What’s your stand on gun control?

A: I guess that depends on the type of control. Are you talking about me being free of human ownership? Locking me away in a cabinet? Bending my barrel? Twisting my trigger? Melting me down for plowshares?

Q: Let’s talk about gun owners, how their ownership roles should make things safer for society.

A: Then you’re not talking about gun control, you’re talking about people control. You’ve got your hands full with that, pal. Good luck.

Q: Surely you’re aware that to many people, you’re a menacing and dangerous presence in our society. You’re an icon of evil to many. How do you respond?

A: Dude, I’m a hunk of metal. A handsome piece of metal compared to other hunks of metal I know, but a hunk of metal nonetheless. I am what I am. I don’t fire myself. I don’t do anything until someone picks me up, loads my chambers and pulls my trigger. Other than that, I’m a hammer. And not a good one at that. But if you’re indicting me for being dangerous, I plead guilty. One of the big problems is people don’t treat me like the dangerous tool I am. Handle with care.

Q: OK. Let me ask, how would your destruction affect society?

A: I’m only as good or bad as the warm-blooded human finger on my trigger. It could be the finger that just finished writing the Declaration of Independence or just emerged from picking a nose. If you want to melt me down, have at it. I think I could make a couple of good-looking commemorative coins. Or a ring of sturdy keys.

Q: Tell me some of your history.

A: I was born in a Colt firearms factory in Hartford, Connecticut. I come from good stock. That’s a joke guns tell, get it? Stock? It’s mostly a rifle joke.

Q: Got it.

Q: Have you ever been used to shoot a person?

A: Only once. One owner pulled my trigger while he was pointing my barrel at his foot. That’s how smart some of you Darwin Award winners are. Quit eating so much junk food. It makes your brain soft. But I have no control over my users. As the old saying goes, you call, I haul.

Q: A lot of people have been killed by your friends.

A: So what do you want from me? You blame every Muslim for 9/11? Do you blame the fingers for a fist? Do you blame steel for a knife? Blame a car manufacturer when someone runs over someone else or blame the distiller for a drunk driver? Do you blame the camera for showing war?

Q: How can we solve our problems with you?

A: You got a problem with a gun, you got a problem with a human. Just remember, you can’t control human nature. Here are three suggestions. Education. If people knew more about me, what makes me work, how to handle me properly, it would go a long way. Training. Don’t let an assassin video game teach you about me. Let tried and true users help train people. And train them early. Lastly, families. Families are the first line of defense against wacky relatives who need a gun like a hog needs a hip pocket. You know the mental defectives in your family better than anyone.

Q: Ever had a relationship with a child?

A: No. I’ve been around BB guns who talk about kids and they say they are fun humans. You people should quit shooting them. I wish they knew more about how to be careful when they handle me, not to point me at other people, not to play with my trigger. Look, when you have an anti-gun U.S. senator posing holding an AK-47 with her finger on the trigger, you got problems with safety and it ain’t with the firearm.

Q: Do you have any redeeming features you’d like to discuss?

A: While ago you mentioned I was dangerous and menacing to some people. That’s because they don’t know me and they have no desire to know me. I can be really helpful, a useful and engaging tool, a protector. But they don’t see that part of me. They see what careless or evil people use me for. This people control is something you humans are going to have to work out on your own. Look, I’m just a run-of-the-mill pistol. I’m not a commemorative limited edition Elvis Presley .45-caliber Tribute Pistol with fancy gold scrollwork and “TCB” lightning bolt on the grips. I mean, look at me. You think that Elvis Presley collector pistol will ever be fired? Not likely. He’s too valuable.

Q: Why do you think you’re so popular?

A: This world is uncertain. People are easily frightened and uncertain and believe that Sam Colt made them all equals. They want to protect themselves from evil. They want to protect their homes and families and lifestyles. They think I’m the tool for the job.

Q: Do you think there will ever come a time when you won’t be necessary?

A: That’s up to you humans, friend. I’m just a hunk of metal that The Beatles wrote a song about.

Jay Ashley is managing editor of the Times-News. He keeps the peace at jashley@thetimesnews.com