Don’t Feed the Pigeons

by Christopher Joseph

Irrespective of whether you like pigeons or not, one thing is true – if you feed them then they quickly multiply! Just go to Trafalgar square and pull out a loaf of bread and you’ll see what I mean! The pigeon in the context of this article is of course our negative thoughts, our internal critical voice. So often in this context we ‘feed the pigeons’ by ‘beating ourselves up’ with unkind, harsh and critical comments: “Look what I’ve done now”; “Why did I do that?… you silly fool!”; “They’re going to think I’m a right idiot now!”; “Look at the state of me!”; “Oh come on – sort it out”; “I’ll never amount to anything!” etc. etc.

The severity of the internal critic is different for different people, and varies over time for any one person, but the net effect to whatever degree is one of undermining our sense of self worth and confidence. Moreover, constant negative talk puts us in the ‘threat/defence’ mode which increases the stress hormone cortisol in our body. It is often said that if we were to speak to a friend as we speak to ourselves then they wouldn’t remain a friend for long!

But we wouldn’t speak to a friend (at least not consistently!) like this because the process of vocalising our thoughts by default brings greater awareness, care and mindfulness to what we’re saying. Therein lies the first clue as to how we can begin to change the quality of our internal voice from a cold and critical one to a kind and compassionate one – i.e. how we can stop feeding the pigeons. I’ve called this the ABC of compassionate thinking.

Awareness.

The inner critic is not something we set out to develop – it’s a habit. And, as with all habits often we run the pattern quite unconsciously, and we’re normally not even aware that we’ve been talking to ourselves in a negative way until we suddenly feel depressed, stressed or angry.

The first step to breaking any habit is awareness – awareness of the patterns that we’re currently running. Mindfulness, first and foremost, is about developing awareness, slowing down a little and coming off the ‘autopilot’ mode that we can so often live our lives on.

A short 10 minute meditation at the start and end of each day or a few 3 minute ‘breathing spaces’ practiced throughout the day can make a huge difference to our levels of self-awareness and our ability to pick up on any negative internal chatter that we might have going on!

Through developing awareness in this simple way we may begin to pick up on not only what we’re saying to ourselves internally, but the tone in which we’re saying it. Many people think that they’re internal voice is that of their mother’s, father’s or a teacher. Whilst it’s true that many people have grown up with critical teachers, parents or other family members the voice that’s currently inside our head is none other than our own! This is a good thing because it means that we’re in control – we can change it.

Breaking the pattern with kindness.

If, instead of having someone criticise us when things are hard and we’re struggling, there was someone who cares about you, understands your difficulties, and encourages you with warm nourishing words, how does that feel? When someone is kind and understanding, supportive and encouraging towards us, the hormone oxytocin is stimulated and we feel soothed and calmed.

We can also stimulate the soothing – contentment system by learning to be kind and supportive to ourselves. If we send ourselves helpful messages when things are hard for us we are more likely to stimulate those parts of the brain that respond to kindness. This will help us cope with stress and set-backs because we are rebalancing the emotional systems in our brain, and there is a growing body of research that shows that this is the case.

It’s worth noting that for many people who are self-critical, the idea of self-kindness can seem like a weakness or an indulgence. After all isn’t it the self-critic that keeps them on their game? Wouldn’t they simply make more mistakes, behave badly and lose motivation if it wasn’t for the self-critical voice? Isn’t it the ‘self-critic’ that keeps our lives from going down the pan!? The simple answer is NO!

It’s true that we need a moral compass, a sense of what’s right and wrong and the ability to constructively evaluate the results of our actions and to implement changes if needed – but this is very different to the derisive internal voice that extrapolates any mistakes that we might make into a slow and painful character assassination! It’s generally agreed that children respond best when there is support, love, encouragement and an acceptance of the inevitable process of making mistakes that being a human being involves. As adults, we’re no different. Self-kindness, rather than leading to selfishness and self-indulgence actually nourishes and motivates us to be at our best.

Consistency.

If we go for a walk on the mountain then the easiest path to follow is the one that’s already been well worn, but it might not take us to where we wish to go! If we want to go in a different direction then we might have to create a new path. We might have to walk through some ferns. It might feel a little uncomfortable and strange at first but we make it. The next time we take the walk then the new path becomes a little easier to follow. If we repeat the walk consistently then the new path becomes well worn and familiar, just like an old friend. The old path in turn becomes overgrown and less familiar to us.

Developing new habits is much like taking this walk on the mountain. Self-kindness is a skill and as with any skill, if practiced consistently, it can become a positive habit. Self-kindness meditation is the way in which we learn and practice this skill, so that when we go about our daily lives the habit of kindness follows us like a shadow or a friend.

In summary, the ABC of compassionate thinking consists of developing an Awareness of the pattern we’re currently running, Breaking the pattern with kindness, and doing this Consistently. Learning and practicing mindfulness allows us to develop this effective approach to overcoming our ‘inner critic’.

Our brains have been designed by evolution to need and respond positively to kindness. Practicing the habit of self-kindness through meditation is no more self-indulgent than training your body to be fit and healthy is self-indulgent. And, just as our body needs certain vitamins, minerals and a balanced diet to operate at its optimum then our brain also needs to be nourished. Self-kindness, therefore, is simply a question of treating our mind wisely and nourishing it with the food is so desperately needs.

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Chris is an excellent mindfulness trainer. His teaching, which is borne out of life experience, has a delightful quality of being clear and accessible whilst being delivered with warmth and humour. He is a gifted communicator with a calm and reassuring presence who has helped many people through his work.

Vidyamala Burch, founder of Breathworks and author of 'Living Well with Pain and Illness', ‘Mindfulness for Health’ and 'Mindfulness for Women'.

From the Breathworks course I feel that I have gained more self awareness, skills to cope better, and reassurance that it”s not just me who feels like I do! Chris has been a great trainer. He has been using innovative ways to help us remember key points such as the water tanks for the ”bigger container” and cushions for ”primary and secondary” suffering – they really did help… Thank you very much. I think I will take what I have learnt with me for the rest of my life.

Breathworks has given me a chance to put into practice, discuss and report back on methods that have helped me feel calmer and cope with anxiety. The routine of the programme has pushed me into practicing these methods regularly which will all round be beneficial to me. The material was explained well and methods were recalled on throughout the weeks. Individuals were given time and chance to speak without feeling pushed and Chris made it a comfortable environment in which to practice in… A successful course! Thank you.

The course was well structured and fun… I have learnt to take some time out for myself. The CD’s are really good for helping with the home practice. Chris was very good at recapping from the previous week, jogging the memory and then building on that information. He made us all feel at ease which enabled us to talk quite openly.

The Breathworks course has given me positive and constructive ”tools” for life and new ways of seeing the world. Chris was a super tutor. He made me feel involved and welcome even before the course began. He gave excellent and really thoughtful explanations and obviously really cared about what happened on and through the course… I have already recommended the course to others.

This course has given me tools to deal with depression and has raised the importance of my well being. It has enabled me to find perspective and to pace my life in such a way that I don”t fall apart. Chris was excellent. He was empathetic, concise, funny, interesting, and could explain the different aspects of the course very well. He clearly knows his stuff and I”d like to attend more courses to improve my knowledge. He was also available at the end of the telephone or e-mail if need be… Thank you.

The course has given me better tools to facilitate a more serene lifestyle, building my awareness, and learning to make time for me. I feel I have gained a broader perspective on things. I enjoyed Chris’ subtle yet effective methods of demonstrating key points of the course. He showed a lot of patience and fully supported my progress.

Through the Breathworks course I”ve recognised the benefit to my overall mood of stopping and giving my brain a chance to rest, reflect and be calm. Chris communicated the material really well – he organised the sessions to cover all the material while remaining relaxed and open to discussion. I thought Chris paced the course well, and broke it up into clear sections, with a clear theme to each section, with images and role play to leave a memorable impression. Thanks – I”ve really enjoyed the course… It’s made a difference to me.

I feel that I’ve got a sense of balance, perspective and an awareness of being a ”bigger container” from the Breathworks course. Chris communicated creatively with humour, confidence and humility… The course was most enjoyable.

On this course I have learnt techniques for being mindful in everyday life, such as mindful communication, and I am better able to respond now to certain circumstances, rather than react! I also found it very beneficial to be able to speak to others on the course. Chris is a very effective communicator, and I found the practical examples he gave to be extremely useful. He had a very calming influence on the group and he made me feel comfortable, and I felt as if I could mention as much or as little as I wanted too… Very good course, and I would recommend it to anyone wanting to spend some time with (and on) themselves!

The Breathworks programme has given me an awareness of my body, my pain and the world. I feel that I can now respond differently to my pain. I already feel great benefits now, and I believe that with ongoing practice my life will be greatly improved. Chris is an excellent trainer. He communicated brilliantly. His understanding of mindfulness and the course was outstanding, and I felt that I could trust him with any concerns I had during the course.

I feel more calm on a day to day basis as a result of practicing the techniques from the Breathworks course in everyday life. Chris is a very calm and easy going trainer. He delivers the material well and explains things carefully. I decided to enrol on the course following a recommendation during a CBT session, and I feel the two work well together.