I was born a semi-diva. I married a redneck. Through the magic of osmosis or just because of a serious lack of sophistication over the years I have found a balance of the two that make me who I am today. And then I write about it all, much to the chagrin of my mother.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Miami Ink

Not "my-am-ee", but "my-am-uhhhhh". Did you know that actually used to be on the sign that greeted folks coming into our town when they exited the interstate? What a way to introduce ourselves - MY-AM-UHHHHHHHH. Made us sound just real educated. I'm sure people saw that sign, turned to the others in the car and said, "Do you hear banjos?"

ANYWAY, the point of titling this post "(My-am-uhhhh) Ink" is because . . .

With any luck I will have new ink by day's end.

Yes, last night on the casino run I kicked butt! Paul and I each had $30 when we left the house. Actually he had a bit more, but he was going to buy dinner. Needless to say, my compulsive gambler husband came home dead broke and I bought dinner.

Tater drove the Official Car of the Diva Casino Birthday Run. We were getting ready to leave and Tater said, "Let's take my car." Heck, okay. I'm out of gas in the van anyway and the Dodge uses diesel. Our babysitter was shooing us out the door and she only turned 47 shades of pink when I nudged Paul and said, "Cool! Tater's drivin', baby! Mom, sit in the front so Paul and I can make out in the backseat!" Meg said, "OOOH GROSS!! You guyyyyyyss!" Let it be known that there was no making out in the backseat of my sister's car. That's just wrong.

But it did cross my mind briefly when my darling husband handed me a card not long after we got on the road. First let me say - I don't read cards. I don't even give cards, for cryin' out loud. I figure why spend $3 on a piece of paper that no one really reads the words to anyway? I'd rather just hand you money and tell you what I want to say. So, anyway, naturally I opened the envelope and squealed with delight at the fifty dollar bill (Or was it a "fitty"?) that fell out. I think the card said something about mushy mushy love bein' your husband you light up my life you're so awesome or something like that. I'm not sure. Like I said, I don't read cards. Well, I always read the ones Stacie sends because, let me tell you, that girl can pick out cards. But Stacie didn't pick out this one, so I didn't read it.

So before got to the first casino I put $80 in my right jeans pocket. Anything I would win from there on out would go into the left pocket.

Our first stop was the infamous Lucky Turtle in the booming meccca of Wyandotte. They gave me $10. I played on it awhile and cashed out with $10. Straight into the left pocket it went.

Next stop, Grand Lake Casino in Grove. They give $20 and get the award for Least Cheap Casino. I put $10 in a Red Ball machine and cashed out with $50. I was pretty much done and was waiting on everyone else when we realized it was almost time for another Hot Seat drawing and you have to have credit on a machine and be actively playing it to get in on that. So I stuck a $20 in a quarter Money Bags slot. I was just going to hit the button every few minutes just so it would look like I was playing. But I won another $50. I gave Tater $10 and stuck the rest in my left pocket. The total in my left pocket was up to $90.

Then we drove to Seneca to Bordertown. I didn't play there. I pocketed the $10 and had a nice comfy $100 in my pocket. Paul and I walked around checking out the new part they just added on. He found a row of machines that no one was playing and sat down while I wandered some more. A few minutes he came up to me and said, "Listen to this!" and proceded to tell me how he put a $20 in this machine, but when he bet one, which he thought was a quarter, it wouldn't let him bet. This guy standing next to him said, "Hoss, that right there is a twenty five dollar machine. You better put in some more money, son." Paul said, "I don't think so, buddy," and cashed out his $20. Holy crap. WHY on earth would ANYONE want to bet $25 a SPIN on a slot machine???? And if you max bet you're kicking out $75 a spin!! Bleh.

By this point it was 8:00 and we still hadn't had dinner so we went to the Dairy Queen and ate.

Then it was off to Eastern Shawnee Travel Plaza. There they actually take a $10 and put it in a machine for you. And there were only like, 4 to choose from. I played their $10 and walked away grumbling. Their choice of games bites.

From there we went to The Stables. I played Yahtzee and cashed out with their $10. I also took advantage of my free drink there. I strutted up to the bar, informed the bartender that it was my birthday and then ordered an apple martini. Thinking of Brian and anticipating the apple-y goodness, I waited patiently. He brought me my drink and, nearly giddy with delight, I brought the glass to my lips and then proceded to drink KEROSENE. There might have been some Apple Pucker in it, but I'm thinking he just showed the glass the bottle of Pucker and after a brief introduction, put the bottle away. Holy night that was nasty, yet I drank every drop. I also couldn't feel my ears for an hour.

In the car, between casinos I kind of moved money around, replacing the money I used for dinner with winnings from my left pocket, making the $80 whole again in my right pocket. I had plannnnnnnns for that $80.

Next stop, Miami Tribe's casino. I put their $10 in a Super Ball machine and cashed out with $30.

Then we went to the Trailer Trash Casino, aka Peoria Tribe's casino trailer. Seriously. It's a couple of trailer houses stuck together and chock full of slot machines. I played their $10 down to .15 then won it back up over $10, played it down to $10 again and cashed out.

We finished out the night at Buffalo Run. I took their $10 and gave it right back to them via a Yahtzee machine. How nice of me. I put a $10 in a dollar slot machine, something I NEVER do, and cashed out with $20. Put a $20 in a different one and cashed out with $50. And when Paul's heavy sighing and pitiful pouting got to be too much I'd throw a ten at him and tell him to go play nice. I'm a good wife. I was also trying to buy my way out of having birthday sex that I did not want.

So all told, I ended the night with $40 to put gas in the van and $80 to buy a tattoo. Not too shabby, eh?

Mom gave me a bag of stuff from Bath and Body Works. I mean, that bag was FULL. I think I got one of every product they make in my fragrance! I'm gonna smell gooooooood! Tater didn't bring her with us last night because she thought I might feel uncomfortable opening up a present in a casino. Are you kidding? Anything that draws more attention to me, the better! So she says she'll bring me the present today.

All in all, it was a fine birthday. It was no day at the spa, but a night at the casino is nearly as good. Just a little smokier.

April, I never get the good Drunken Font Challenges!! Yours are hilarious!

Sidetracked, BWAH!!! Gamblings...now THAT is funny!!

Mama K, we hit 8 casinos in 5 hours...not too shabby of a way to spend an evening, eh? And there's actually one more, but they just have one big birthday party once a month. I'll be going there on Tuesday!

My-am-uhhhhhh - damn bunch of retards.

Hillbilly Mom, ooh if you say "My-am-EEEE" to a local you will get jumped and possibly cut with a knife or box blade or a sharp pointy stick.

Mr. Diva shows no restraint whatsoever in the casinos. (I can when I so choose; which I did last night.) I'm still holding to the theory that our husbands are related.

OK Diva, never having been in a casino -- well, let me clarify -- I was in a casino once to cover the grand opening of one in Boonville, Mo., but that was work related and no gambling was going on, it was just a tour. Anyway, you actually make me feel like I'm missing something. Maybe on my birthday...

Strangely enough, it's all true.

I was born a semi-diva. I married a redneck. Through the magic of osmosis or just because of a serious lack of sophistication over the years I have found a balance of the two that make me what I am today. And then I write about it all, much to the chagrin of my mother.