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Topic : 08/14 Meddling Moms

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Created on : Friday, May 11, 2007, 02:30:22 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 05/17/07) They track your every move and monitor your conversations. This sounds like the latest GPS locator, but they’re actually meddling moms! Audrey says her mother, Mary, is rude, manipulative and trying to destroy her marriage. She says Mary calls her up to 10 times a day, telling her how to raise her kids and how to handle her husband, Matt. Matt says his mother-in-law constantly criticizes him, calling him names like “fat” and “lazy,” and saying he’s not a good provider. Audrey says the situation is so bad, she’s thinking of moving away just to find some serenity. Mary wants to butt out of Audrey’s business but says her daughter keeps putting her in the middle. Will mother and daughter ever see eye to eye? Then, Debbie says she wants her 24-year-old daughter, Amy, to get a job and get out of her house. She says Amy is a lazy slob who sleeps all day while other people care for her four children. Debbie and her husband, Dave, say they’ve spent over $70,000 on Amy in the last two years and it’s time for her to support her own family. Amy says her mom is overbearing and always on her case – telling her when to go to bed and how to raise her children. Can Dave and Debbie restore peace in their marriage and home without damaging their relationship with Amy? Tell us what you think.

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CRUELTY - MANIPULATIONS - HATRED - RAGE - REVENGE

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a psychological disorder characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and the individual's sense of self-identity.

While less known than schizophrenia or bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness), BPD is more common, affecting 2% of adults (1-33), mostly females. Some of my favorite books that provide a great introduction and insight are:

Get Me Out of Here:My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder by Rachel Reiland OR The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen

Understanding the Borderline (Parent) Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Know Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger OR Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries and Self-Esteem by Kimberlee Roth and Freda Friedman

How to Journal for Therapy:

http://arar.essortment.com/therapyjournali_repu.htm

Though harder to spot, emotional abuse is easier to deny.But just as physical and sexual abuse have signposts to mark their presence, emotional abuse, being a systematic attack on one's sense of self, has common traits.Just as physical and sexual abuse come in degrees of severity, emotional abuse runs the gamut of intensity and damage.

05/17 Meddling Moms

I am so lucky as far as my Mom goes, as we grew up, my sister and I developed a friendship with her as opposed to the parent/child relationship, which means there are boundaries in place.

My mother will tell us, "Your marriages are YOUR responsibility, you and HE have to work it out. " Now she would be the first to speak out if we or our kids were being abused, but anything else we keep her out of it.

I KNOW she bites her tongue A LOT, but unless we ask she doesn't give advice, my MIL was like that as well, they sometimes will "Suggest" , but it is up to us whether or not to heed the "suggestion", and there are no hard feelings if we don't.

I think sometimes though, parents cannot or will not let go of the parent/ child relationship, and dur to fear of reprisal or whatever, their children will NOT set boundaries. Sometimes its the parents who need to set the boundaries as well.

In the case of Mom making uninvited visits and yapping about her daughter's spouse, don't answer your door, or just grab your keys and say "sorry Mom, I have an appointment " and just go somewhere, in this day and age, EVERYONE I think has call display, screen your calls and if the number is blocked, let the answering machine pick it up, I would be stubborn to be driven out of my home, but then again there's only so much anyone can take, oh and , " Mom, I realize you are not fond of my husband, and that is your problem, if you insist on talking about it I will have to ask you to leave, or hang up " whichever is pertinent at the time.

The other daughter, if what your mother says is true and you do not work and dump your kids on everyone else, then GET OFF YOUR BUTT, GET A JOB AND YOUR OWN PLACE if you do not like what your parents are saying to you, if you're old enough to be married with children, then you are old enough to take care of yourself and your family.

handling meddlers

I dealt with meddling mom and a few others for a while but we were able to work things out. For those I could not work things out with I used my caller ID and just did not answer the phone when they tried to repeatedly call. I know it cost more but you could also subscribe to a call block service from your phone company.

I wish it were possible to work things out as some day you may wish you had your mom around.

My Way

When either of my children tell me about something going on in their marriages, I will state my opinion of the situation, or what I think the appropriate behavior would be. There is no acrimony, no insisting, no arguing. I do what I consider part of my job as a mother- to give advice to my children. Whether they choose to use it or not is entirely up to them. But I sleep easy knowing I've been a good mother. They have had love and guidance, comfortable lives, excellent educations, and are now doing the same in their own families. My husband and I created and nurtured two productive citizens of our society who now contribute something to the greater good every day of their lives.

Meddling Moms

I sincerely hope that Mary will open her eyes to see that if she does not stop meddling SHE WILL lose her daughter for good. I have never been faced with that situation but I know people who have. Well, different scenario but same outcome. My aunt disapproved of her daughters boyfriend for the first five years, then realized that she wasn't coming around as often as before. So my aunt finally gave in and accepted him and she and her daughter have had a much better relationship. It's very sad that some never realize that they are too controling and others do it for spite.

As for Amy, the 24 year old, mooch. If she's going to lay up in her parents home, sleep all day and expect others to raise her 4 kids, then her mother deserves to do a little meddling. My parents always told us three girls that while under their roof (no matter how old) we will abide by their and our rules and rightfully so. It is common knowledge that you can't go to anonther adults home and tell them how to live but if you are living under your parents or someone else's roof they have every right. So, if you want to live by "your standards" then my suggestion to you is get a job and a place of your own, if it bothers you that bad. $70,000 in 2 years? How inconciderate is that?

05/17 Meddling Moms

I sincerely hope that Mary will open her eyes to see that if she does not stop meddling SHE WILL lose her daughter for good. I have never been faced with that situation but I know people who have. Well, different scenario but same outcome. My aunt disapproved of her daughters boyfriend for the first five years, then realized that she wasn't coming around as often as before. So my aunt finally gave in and accepted him and she and her daughter have had a much better relationship. It's very sad that some never realize that they are too controling and others do it for spite.

As for Amy, the 24 year old, mooch. If she's going to lay up in her parents home, sleep all day and expect others to raise her 4 kids, then her mother deserves to do a little meddling. My parents always told us three girls that while under their roof (no matter how old) we will abide by their and our rules and rightfully so. It is common knowledge that you can't go to anonther adults home and tell them how to live but if you are living under your parents or someone else's roof they have every right. So, if you want to live by "your standards" then my suggestion to you is get a job and a place of your own, if it bothers you that bad. $70,000 in 2 years? How inconciderate is that?

My parents always told us three girls that while under their roof (no matter how old) we will abide by their and our rules and rightfully so.

Oops, I meant to say the we were to abide by their rules not ours. Not that it matters all that much, just don't want to be misunderstood.

Meddling Moms

My mother is definately a meddling mom. She tries to give me advice on how to raise my kids all the time, wheather I ask or not. She tells me how my husband should treat me. My mother's relationships are far from healthy and she is an alcoholic with various mental diagnosis. She doesn't have the credibility to offer me any advice. My husband would rather she drop off the face of the Earth. I agree only to a point. She is my mother and my children's grandmother. So, the way we have controlled the situation is we did move out of the state. It has done us wonders, even though she visits like twice a year. She also only has one of our phone numbers. We have given strict intructions to everyone not to hand out our numbers. If I don't want to talk to her I let voice mail pick up. That way what ever she has to say isn't as stressful, I don't retaliate.

05/17 Meddling Moms

I would like to say it is too bad that a mother cannot butt out when she needs to. I am currently seperated from my husband that fought me tooth and nail if I wanted to see my family and my mom has only been supportive, never a buttinsky. I understand her concern because I am a mother myself, however there needs to come a time when she lets her child become an adult.

meddlings moms

This mom better be careful. She needs to wake up. My mom was (is) very overbearing. My mom and I use to be very close. I would not go a day without talking to her. I am now married and have been for 11 years, and I have 2 children. She has always tried to run every aspect of all of her kids lives. She tries to tell me how to raise my children. She has called CPS on me 2 times for spanking my son. In both cases the police came out immediately and checked my son and CPS followed up. Nothing was found. They said it was just and overproctive grandmother and we needed to try to keep her out of our business as much as possible. Problems between my mother and I escilated over the years. My psychiatrist told me to stop trying to amend our relationship, it just causes more damage. Sometimes once so much damage is done it cannot be repaired. I moved a few states away. We see each other a few times a year for no more than a few days at a time, and we talk on the phone about once a month.

good mother

Ok after I read all the people complaints about their mothers I want to say something on a brighter note. I think all mothers hit a nerve every now in then, but my mother is a good mother. She never gets in my marriage. Nor has she ever told me how to raise my kids. I'm a 43 yr old mother of 3. I have 3 grandsons. My mother has listen to my issues in every way, and she has NEVER got in my business. She would give me advice but that's it. When I was going threw with my husband or kids and I feel a big depression coming on. We would get the girls on the phone, and have a vent out party. This is when they would let me vent out all my issues, get a drink, and laugh it away lol. Lots of times we would lay in her bed, and if I must cry I can, but when it's all over we are good in drunk lol, but I'm not depress any more lol