Anonymous Kid: My Parents Are Polyamorous And I Hate It

I’ve been following the Polyamorous Mom’s articles with great interest, and I wanted to share my story. I’m not a mom, but I’m the daughter of two polyamorous parents.

I’m the all-American teen. Cheerleader, homecoming court, mostly A’s and the occasional B or two, cross country, charitable, and just kind of making my own way. I would say average except my parents are in a triad with this woman who I used to call mom. I haven’t called her that in years, but that’s a story for another time. For those that don’t know what triad is, it’s a three-way relationship. Mom and Dad. Mom and her girlfriend. Dad and the same girlfriend. The three of them together. My parents told me when I was younger. I didn’t really care. I was too young to fully comprehend it. They just told me that they loved me, weren’t breaking up, and wanted to share their love with others. Being the naive kid, I just like said whatever and went back to playing with my toys.

I’m older now, and I’m struggling with why they can’t be normal? Their girlfriend has been with my mom since I was two, and they’ve been a triad since I was four. I have a half-sibling. Yeah, dad and his girlfriend had a kid together. My parental units wanted to scream their love from the top of the skyline and jump on couches like Tom Cruise, so everyone knows. We live right outside of Hollyweird, but they never stopped to consider if their need to be out of the closet would later affect me or my sibling.

Last week, my school had parent-teacher conferences at my new school. I thought just my mom and dad were going to attend. Since they’re not hiding it from anyone, they told all of my teachers that she was their girlfriend and that she’d be an active part in my education. I go to a Catholic school, and yeah, the example set before me doesn’t look too hot. They were showing affection like holding hands with each other, and it embarrassed me. It’s like the church is sitting 50 feet away, and that’s how you want to act?

PLEASE get emancipated or live with your Nana. This is child abuse. Get out of your environment legally. See a good attorney–some will take your case pro bono. Get out, walk away from these narcissistic losers, and never look back. Don’t waste a moment’s time feeling regret or guilt about your decision.

These parentals a do not have your best interests at heart.

I truly wish you all the best!

Real Gerry

I think your idea of what child abuse is… well… it’s just messed up.

☾R♻⚡H R☆INB⚛WTR⚙N

Wow! Child abuse? Really? It’s abusive to be different. Good to know. All of that expensive education, active involvement, love, and attention was totally abusive. Your comment is not only insulting to polyamorists; it’s a dire insult to those of us who suffer real abuse.

wiffle

Your instincts about the situation and what needs to happen are dead on. Be grateful you’re alive with a half decent education, a head your shoulders and MOVE ON. You’ve said everything that needs to be said to this self centered triad. You will not change them until they are ready to recognize how they have treated you. (And unfortunately, that maybe never.)

My husband and I have parents in traditional marriages but each
(except for my father) are very self centered. We are merely 2 -D
cardboard cutouts to them, with no lives or feelings that “count”. Their
world is 99.9% consumed with what they “need”.

There are people who like to think that all teenagers are reactionary. (It’s a self image problem with some of us adults who know better.) Don’t worry about them — they probably have never experienced living with someone who always puts their own emotional needs before everyone else’s.

http://www.funbookes.com/ www.funbookes.com

No matter what…. love your parents poor guy.

Karen

I’d love to talk with you outside of this format. Are you able to access my e-mail, which I have to enter to post here?

Guest

Sorry. No, I can’t see it.

I’d love to chat with you. It’s cool that someone understands the flaws and sees them.

Karen

karenmaston at yahoo dot com

Guest

I find the writing of this to be suspect at best. It reads like a fabrication, so cheesy and generic in the hazy specifics. It honestly sounds like fan fiction. Also her use of ‘my girlfriend’ at the top of the second page is a clear tell. She meant their but wrote mine. I have no problem reading fiction, but I prefer to know it’s fallacy at the start of the article. Moreover I expect better writing from this site.

Guest

I’m not perfect. I left out “mom’s.” I don’t always say “their.” She’s doesn’t belong to either of them, but she’s been with mom the longest. If you’re going to critique me, “my” and “their” wouldn’t be accurate either. She’s her own person. The correct phrasing would be more along the lines of the woman my parents are dating. I’d need to remove the “my.” The woman dating the woman who gave birth to me. “My” and “Their” can be possessive terms in reference to people.

I had more information but the editor trimmed most of it. I explained why we got in the argument and what was said. I didn’t tell when we first fell out. It wasn’t recently. I also asked questions to parents who have had issues with their kids not liking the people they bring home. I was told that they don’t end submissions with questions.

My apologies for not being clear enough and being too “hazy” for your liking. I unveiled myself and showed my mom’s response to one incident, and I’d do It again b/c this isn’t something I joke about. When facing my mom, I know better than to not come correct and be ill-prepared if she gets amnesia and doesn’t remember events the way I do. I respect your opinion. Enjoy your day.

Guest

I wasn’t critiquing your use of grammar or tense, I was critiquing the overall feel of the article. Maybe this actually happened to you but it all feels very formulaic so I’m sorry if I don’t find it truthful. From the ‘All American girl’ routine to the likelihood that off all places a Catholic school would accept a child of a poly relationship and let it go when the parents were openly affectionate at school functions. Like I said, perhaps you are telling the truth, and if so I feel for you that you’re in a uncomfortable position. That being said I just don’t buy this article’s authenticity.

Guest

I’m just going to thank you for your comment. Thank you for the thought, but an apology isn’t needed. I thought about your comment for a couple of days, and it upset me when I first read it. I don’t expect you to understand. I don’t expect you to believe anything b/c you don’t know me from a hole in the wall. Once again, I’m sorry the feel didn’t appeal to you. I’m not a writer by any stretch. I write to release emotions. That’s it.

Was the school supposed to reject me b/c of my parents and their presumed sinful ways? That’s not God-like and would leave them open to lawsuits. I’m Catholic. They’re not me, and I’m not living in a way that goes against the school’s moral code.

I don’t know if you’re poly, but if you’re not, not everyone understands it or respects it. Do you know that people have gotten fired for being poly? Do you know that people have lost friends and families behind living like this? Polyamorous Mom even admitted to encountering questions in her place of employment, too. Why wouldn’t people ask questions in a religious setting? Polyamory goes against what the church teaches. It’s not something I’ve ever been taught in school or would have any knowledge about if they weren’t polyamorous. That’s what it boils down to. People just don’t understand or know about it.

Why should my education should have to suffer b/c of how they live? That’s like telling the son or daughter of a gay or lesbian parents that they can’t attend a religious school b/c their moms or dads are in a same-sex relationship. Is their money not good enough b/c of how they choose to live?

I appreciate your comment and respect your opinion. You can feel any way you want. You’re more than free to not comment again or read anything I write. Enjoy the rest of your day.

Guest

Once again you’re not understanding my commentary, perhaps you should review it before getting on your soapbox and laundry listing social inequities. What I am saying is that the entire article reeked of inauthenticity. I’m not making a moral judgement one way or another – I’m making a point that this article seems exaggerated at best, and in reality it’s probably a flat out fake article. And I’m not asking you to be James Joyce, if you write to release emotions – then I’m sorry but this paltry story seemed robotic and smelled fishy. I’m calling a spade a spade. This article has little bearing on reality and that’s fine, but let’s not go all ‘A Million Little Pieces.’ I find the subject of this piece extremely suspect, and the stock description of events does nothing to lessen that thinking.

Teleute

Do you feel threatened by a 17-year-old girl who has the guts to speak out about a deplorable situation, or are you simply trolling?

☾R♻⚡H R☆INB⚛WTR⚙N

What’s deplorable is this little brat telling the whole world that she hates her parents just because they’re not “normal.” She’s not the first teenage brat to say they “hate” their parents for being loving and affectionate.

Guest

.

Megan

I’m curious as to why your parents decided to have kids in the first place? I don’t mean that as a slight to you, it’s just that one of the many reasons I don’t want kids is b/c I don’t want to be responsible for anyone but myself and I know if I had a child, I would feel obligated to keep myself in check in public. It’s just baffling that they can’t see how narcissistic their actions are and how they are effecting their own child. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I hope posting here has been at least a little therapeutic.

I do hope you’ll keep us updated here, or maybe start a blog or something. I think you’re very articulate and level-headed and you can seriously help the children of polyamorous people as well as inform polyamorous people themselves about how their children are effected.

Guest

My mom got pregnant with me at 17, eloped with my dad after she turned 18, and was visibly pregnant during graduation. I was due in September, but I was born in October. She went from high school diploma to changing diapers in months. She had to grow up from June-October. Obvi not a lot of time. She never had any other kids, and it’s not b/c she can’t get pregnant. She still takes the pill. I think dad must’ve wanted me and convinced her not to abort me. Her life had to stop, and she stopped being the focus.

She chilled with the dating stuff and tried to focus on being a mom. That lasted for the first 1 1/2 years of my life. She went back on the prowl when I was barely a year old. She cut my grandfather and whole family out of our lives after she met her girlfriend. He told her to keep her lifestyle away from him. She took offense, so she shut out the entire family. By my second birthday, she was with her girlfriend. By my fourth birthday, chick had became dad’s girlfriend, too. He doesn’t really seem like he’s polyamorous. I think he only did it to fill the void of mom never being around and dating like crazy. It had to be lonely, and it hasn’t gotten better over the years. She keeps dating and searching for more. He should leave her.

Mocksoup

You are all SORTS of Judgy McJudgerson over your mom. Sounds like you may be doing them a favor by emancipating. I do have to wonder if not having to worry about you anymore might come as a relief to them. They spend their lives caring for you, trying to raise you into an ethical adult, able to make choices in a confusing environment. Even sending you to a private parochial school that most children don’t have the privilege of going to. Seems like they have a special little snowflake on their hands, and they may be best letting you go.
Naturally you won’t have to work, being a trust fund baby and all. But you want the right to make your own mistakes, unlike giving that grace to your mother.
Good luck in life, kid. You are gonna need it, once they stop sheltering you from the real world.

Kate

J (aka Guest),

SO glad you’re persuing emancipation! I’m not a CA attorney, but my readings suggest that you definitely meet the criteria for emancipation. I actually did date a Santa Clara CA attorney who specialized in emancipation of minors, and he told me that the young people he represented were unusually self-reliant, well-informed, and we’re not acting out of spite, revenge or teenage angst. Most of the young people he represented were also granted emancipation (although I don’t know what percentage of CA teens actually have this granted).

Right now I’m thinking past your emancipation, and wondering how you will best fare in the world. You have to finish HS and go to college (and grad school and beyond if you choose–you’re too bright and unique not to!)

I’m no expert in this area, but you might consider crowd-funding to help with your expenses. Hopefully, you don’t feel “above” asking for financial help from others. I also feel that discussing your dysfunctional poly family in a college essay could help you gain admission to some great schools, if done with tact. Last, given your tremendous writing ability, you might want to consider writing a book on the subject. I can imagine that more than a few literary agents would be willing to represent you. In my mind’s eye, I can see you taking to TV and radio to speak about the hidden underbelly of polyamory.

Guest

I actually don’t need the financial help. I might delve into that in a later article.Financially, Grampy wanted me to be taken care of, and he handled his business. I’ve known about the trust, stocks, bonds, savings, and college fund for a few years. I know how much is in every account. I won’t have full control for many years, but I don’t need it. He appointed solid trustees who didn’t blow thru it like parents sometimes do. Mom has no access b/c he didn’t trust her to be concerned with my best interests.

I was the only grandkid at the time of his death, and he was known for taking care of his family and passing on the blessings. My college education is paid for times two, and I don’t have to work in college if I don’t want to. I’m blessed, but I’m still going to work. I love working, and as long as my course load isn’t too heavy, I’m going to work all thru college.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m not worried.

Mocksoup

She has money, she’s not in any sort of actual risk. I think the emancipation might be that she would like access to her finances now, rather than being forced to wait for a few more years.

Kate

J (aka Guest),

Continuing on (got cut off before)… Showtime recently ran a series, “Polyamory: Married and Dating.” One of the central couples have a young son. Many folks in blogs and threads have wondered aloud what kind of psychological damage this child is incurring. Since curiosity is currently piqued about the whole poly thing, the time might be ripe for you to weigh in on your personal experiences as a poly “survivor,” if you will, in the media. I doubt you want to wear child-of-poly-relationship identity forever; HOWEVER, you have a unique story to tell, and you could potentially help a lot of people. And IMO, if you benefited from this monetarily, I don’t think you would be exploiting your situation in a nefarious way. These were the cards you were dealt, and you have a right to present your story to the world (if you wish) in any manner you choose.

But please, keep us updated. There are many of us that care about you and think of you every day.

Kate

Guest

I don’t want money. I don’t want to be a case study for a shrink. I want to distance myself from it, and I’m making moves to do it. Writing and releasing that anger has cleared up many things for me. It’s my personal therapy.

I’m happy I moved out. I’m happy I spoke out, too. I won’t take any of it back. I’m going to continue to pray for them more than I pray for myself. I’m moving on, and the only way I can do it in a healthy way is to clean this house called my soul and release it. My release? Writing, prayer, and strengthening my faith in God. I’m at peace. The Lord gave me the strength to hold on as long as I did and notice that when I let go, I wasn’t on my own. My Nanna was there to catch me.

The good news is there’s hope of rebuilding with my dad, but the bad news is it’s not possible with my bio mom in the picture. My dad has talked to me more in the past week than he has in all the years I’ve been his daughter. He realizes it’s not a game or a joke. I’m not laughing or playing games. I’m handling my business like a grown woman. I’m not half-stepping, and my i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed.

He was like so many of the commenters on here. DIsmissed it as teen angst, me rebelling, and thinking I was a kid so I’m resilient and would be able to move on when I hit 18. Haha hell. I can’t hate him for thinking like the majority. He’s about the most faultless one in this whole mess, and I care for him. One day, I might be able to learn to love him and respect him. He’s made bad decisions, but I’ll chalk that up to him not being a perfect parent and not knowing. He’s not a bad person.

Mocksoup

And when you grow up and have real problems, you might honor your parents a bit more. Instead of rebelling and seeking drugs or dabbling in ouija boards like the other kids who have ‘normal’ parents do, you rebelled into a WERF. It’s typical and the reason you are getting air time is because it’s ‘novel’ that poly people are coming out of the closet.

Ellemsee

Why is she even in a catholic school? Frankly I think that this teen is going through a rough period. No one gets to choose who their parents are, she has an extra to deal with is all. Some teens get along with all their parents, some only get along with one, some don’t get along with any of their parents. I agree that flaunting a relationship in public is kind of rude, but imagine she was talking about her mom, dad, and step mom. It would sound like a typical rocky parental teen relationship. Families come in every shape size and style and I doubt that the issue is truely the polyamoury, and is actually more to do with the girl’s relationship with her secondary mom. Being a teen is hard, and emotional. Living as part of a family that isn’t ‘normal’ makes it harder. So many things aren’t normal and could trigger a similar reaction.

Ruthless M

You can’t change a narcissist, run away! RUN RUN RUN!! Limited contact or no contact. Not your fault, guest poster-and kudos to you for recognizing your mother is one. Many children suffer for YEARS before they figure that out

Linus

Another spoiled and whining brat bemoaning her fate and wondering why the world doesn’t revolve around her.

The worst thing about this generation is not same-sex marriage or triad relationships or divorce or anything that adults might do. It’s the staggering sense of entitlement that just about every child shows and their utter indifference to anything except their own selfish and narrow concerns.

Of course this could be down to bad parenting, but I don’t think it has anything to do with how many parents she has. Every child I know, whether they come from the traditional Mom & Dad setup or something less traditional, has exactly the same issues. Whoever their parents are, they run around after them like slaves, ferrying them from social engagement to social engagement and giving in to their every material whim. The wealthier the parents, the worse it is. Any recruiter or human resources manager knows what I mean: young people are virtually unemployable. They want it all, they want it now and they’re not willing to work to obtain it.

A bit more deprivation, a bit more discipline and a bit less getting her own way whenever she wants it is what this girl needs. Maybe a boarding school overseas isn’t such a bad idea.

Real Gerry

Oh… great… It’s a teenager who is embarrassed of her parents. Yeah… really unique problem.

Oh… and the parents HOLD HANDS. How difficult it must be for the little jerk to live in a household where the parents love each other. She would be much better off with parents who are only together until the children reach age of maturity so they can divorce.

She wants to go to a boarding school… I would recommend to the parents that they send the little twerp for a semester or two.

The only reason that this is a story is because it deals with a non-traditional marriage. Her parents are smart enough to recognize when a traditional marriage won’t suit and found a way to live that works better for them.

Meanwhile… you… the people who are commenting are going “poor girl” over this stupid little twit. So what? This girl grew up with not one parent… not two parent… but, a little tribe watching over her, supporting her and obviously spoiling the whiny little brat. Poly families can have lots of financial power. That third person just increased the chances that the undeserving little jerk is going to be able to get out of college without a crushing mountain of debt.

What a horrible story. I hope that Anonymous grows up and appreciates what a loving household she comes from.

Holding hands … bitching about holding hands.

.

What a jackass.

Mocksoup

I know, right. The kid is a jackass that doesn’t understand love. How surprising it got airtime. It’s like reading another ‘oh my parents are divorced’ sob story “I only see my dad every other day” whiny moment brought to you by Clearasil back in the days of Jane magazine.

Claire

Yeah, another one that can’t be bothered to read the comments before talking shit. They are neglecting her and triyng to force a woman that doesn’t care the slightest on her.

Claire

Did you read the comments before being a jackass? She just told they are seriously neglecting her and that basically they don’t care. This “girlfriend” of theirs can’t be bothered that she has a letal allergy to peanuts. So, no, it’s not just a teenagers embarassed by their parents, it’s neglection. She is taking legal steps to become indipendent, that’s not something one does with a light heart.

☾R♻⚡H R☆INB⚛WTR⚙N

Here’s a reality check: You have an amazing life that’s enviable by most children. Yes, you are a CHILD. Your parents love you, send you to good schools, feed you, clothe you, take an active role in your life and education. As a CHILD, your parents make decisions for you. That’s why they sign your permission slips, choose your schools, buy your clothes, etc. The way you treat your second mother is reprehensible, even from your own version of events, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

I’d say they did an excellent job raising you, except you became a spoiled narcissistic little brat. “May parent’s are ‘weird’” is not a valid reason to hate them, much less become emancipated. You clearly know little to nothing about the real world, and I hope for your sake you don’t manage to con a judge into emancipating you.

If you want “normal” parents, you can have mine. My dad used to beat me, and my mother takes every opportunity to insult me. May parent’s haven’t hugged me since I was 10, not even when I have cried when a friend dies. Normal enough for you? I’ll take your parents any day.

Just another ungrateful, rebellious teenager. Who like all teenagers doesn’t understand the world around her very well, but thinks she does.

Shelly

You are a selfish brat . That woman has been there for you since you were real little and look how you act . I agree how they acted at the school wa wrong but just becuase she didn’t give birth to you doesn’t mean she isn’t a parent to you . You need to get over yourself and realize that you are a child . I hope they do send you away becuase no one deserves to have to deal with your ungrateful actions . There are kids who would kill to have what you have . And who says its not normal ? Is it becuase you say so ?

1Hell

This woman is a stepparent. My stepdad has been there for me since I was little, and I love him dearly, but I don’t call him dad. My mother never forced me to accept him as a father; she let me decide for myself. That’s what the proper response is. Don’t force your kid to accept someone as a parent who isn’t. A certain amount of respect, sure, but not out of any notion that this person deserves to be considered your parent.

EyeLean1066

I’m
a teacher too and I welcome all non-conventional families at conferences: mixed
race; mixed religions; gay; polyamorous; whatever. As long as there is no sign
of abuse or neglect, I accept the families who are loving and guiding my
students into adulthood.

Unfortunately, in the inner-city district I work in, such a home atmosphere is far from given. Too many of my students’ lives are plagued with poverty, violence, addiction and abandonment. I wish this young lady could put herself in their shoes and look from their perspective in on her privileged, loving home. But instead, she regales us with a litany of shallow complaints.

This girl has had some mean things said to her at school and blames that on her parents’ triad. Please get real! How on earth does hearing some cutting remarks make her experience any different whatsoever from every other teenage child in America? As a teacher, I can’t think of a single student in 19 years who just sailed through school without an unkind word their way.

Hating her parents? Also far from unique. It’s the brat factor our culture seems to mandate and almost without exception, teens just slip into without questioning or examining themselves. She thinks her parents are hurting HER? Just wait until she grows up a bit (assuming she doesn’t remain a brat all her adult years) and realizes how she has been hurting *them*.

Her parents hold hands and show concern at school? How awful! Good Lord, maybe she’d rather have it like the teenage boy I had last year who told me of being tied to his bed, a sock stuffed in his mouth and beaten with a bat.

This girl is right about one thing. She’s very, very average. Average concerns (“ME!”), average accomplishments (cheerleader), average treatment of her loving parents (selfish and ungrateful).

I feel sorry for her three parents, not her.

EyeLean1066

Oh, and one more point. The one thing about this teenage child that *isn’t* average is her response to her polyamorous parents. After doing a little digging (it doesn’t take much), I have found that teenagers from such households have a range of responses, with most of them seeing distinct advantages to having extra parents and being in a position to see the world from a fresh perspective.

I'm sorry, but how exactly are you any different from any other kid in America who bumps head with their stepparents and find their parents lame and embarrassing?

Are you missing a Dad? A mom? Anyone? So many kids hardly have one parent, a father or a mom, and you get three, and this is how you act. I won't judge or tell you how you should feel because everyone has the right to their opinion, but I personally don't think your reasons for hating your parents are valid enough. Perhaps if your parents bounced from lover to lover and you had connections with these lovers, but they quickly fleeted your life, I would say something. If your parents had brought you to swinging clubs and other sexual places, I would say something. If their GF treated you like crap, I would say something. If you weren't getting the emotional attention you needed, I would say something. But you were brought up with two women who you loved so much you called both of them "MOM" at one point, and a involved father who actually shows up to your parent-teacher conferences (I DIDN'T HAVE THAT, MISSY. AND I WOULD TAKE YOUR PLACE ANY DAY).

Do you know what's its like the grow up with one parent? ONE? You hardly get any attention because they're caught between working and sleeping. Oh, and your Dad is out of sight and mind, when you need him the most.

I would KILL, to have two moms and a dad in my life. KILL.

I'm siding with non-bio-mom, how ungrateful of you! She loves you, and is begging to work out differences with you, WHILE MY MOM WOULD HAVE JUST SLAPPED THE HELL OUT OF ME, AND FORCE ME TO GO TO MY ROOM. This is how you repay her? After loving you like you were her daughter from the age of 2? Making an article stating that you HATE her for being in your life!?!

You're a brat: a typical cheerleader-type personality who thinks the world owes you. So many kids have it way way waaaay worse, and would give anything to have the position you have right now. But you're too obsessed with being normal, than to actually appreciate all the love your folks have given you. Sad.

Being normal isn't everything; especially in this society. Being normal is stupid, and a cop-out for being creative.

http://thegreateststorynevertold.tv/ BadGoyim

and youre a cunt

Counterculturalist

So sick of the polyphobia. If my parents were holding hands in a parent-teacher conference, I wouldn’t give two shits. I would think it was weird because “oh my God, gross my parents have a romantic life” but hand-holding is not sexual behavior by any means.

http://thegreateststorynevertold.tv/ BadGoyim

poly is selfish behavior, selfish people shouldnt have children.

girlfriend

as one about to be the “girlfriend”, i’m glad you have shared your experience and i hope to learn from it

StopTheStupidity

There is no such thing as normal. I’m sure if you talked to other people in your school you would find there are a number of different types of families represented. Two parents, single parents, gay parents, adoptive parents, people who have aunts or uncles or grandparents who live with them, families where the parents have divorced and remarried. You have 3 parents – two biological parents and one adoptive parent who sound like they are in a stable, loving relationship. They seem to care for each other and respect each other and most important of all, love you. I’m sure there are a number of kids in your school who would LOVE to be in that position.

If you have friends or teachers in your life who can’t or won’t accept your parents for who they are then maybe it’s those people you should be asking to change their ways.

As for the church angle, well, lets just quote JC on that one “judge not lest you be judged.”

Someday when you are older you will look back at the way you are acting now and you will be thoroughly ashamed for having treated the people who cared most for you and loved you unconditionally with the lack of care and respect you are currently showing.