Friday, October 7, 2016

But What If....

Almost 1 year since I've been cancer free. What a freaking huge accomplishment. I'm so proud of myself. This time last year, I was anxiously waiting for the dr to either tell me I was completely cancer free, or that the treatment hadn’t worked and we would need to find another means of treatment. Here I am exactly one year later, sitting in a hallway of an old monastery, next to girls I have known for less than a month, and I am celebrating new life, and a new season in my life.

It's so crazy how all this is happening to me this month tho. Not only do I get to celebrate my 1 year anniversary, but I'm here at YWAM, which that in itself has been such an awesome thing in my life.

The Lord has done crazy and break through changes in my life in just these ‘short’ 3 weeks that I’ve been here in Pittsburgh. Like yesterday, I got to share about brokenness with my entire class this week, and how the Lord broke me during my walk with cancer. I would have never ever thought I was share my story and what God thought me with such confidence. Even when I shared my testimony on Easter sunday at church, it was not with confidence, but now I can say in full confidence what the Lord has done, and who I am now. To God be the glory.

Then yesterday we had a “trust exercise” and I had every intention of lying my way through this thing, not sharing my deepest insecurities with people who barely know me. But there I was shaking, and word vomiting as I usually do. I shared my hurt and insecurities on having fear control my life. How I let the fear of cancer coming back into my life sometimes paralyze me. How I walk around seeming like the most brave or courageous person, but deep down I am a scared little girl who doesn’t want to get out of bed in fear that today could be my last.

After I was done sharing everyone was affirming me in bravery and strength, but someone said “Don’t worry, I believe the Lord won’t let cancer affect you again.” That statement seriously upset me. Stuff like that always has upset me. When someone tells me they will pray I don't get cancer again, or the tell me I was healed and cancer won't touch me again, something inside of me gets pained. I get upset, and bitter towards someone, and I wasn’t sure why. So I called my mom and processed the entire thing. We talked how I am at a place where I am content and “ok” if the cancer were to come back, and I am completely prepared if it does so. Since my dr told me the chances of having cancer again in the next 5 years is about 85%, I have really made peace with it, and I am willing to let the Lord use me til He calls me home. But the fact that someone said I wouldn’t deal with that anymore bothered me greatly. Then my mom said something that shook my foundation of peace on which I had been standing. She said, “Jackie, You have come to terms to living with cancer, you have prepared for it and it is well with your soul, but are you prepared to live your life if the cancer doesn’t come back?”

That question, like I said, SHOOK me. Am I ok with letting the Lord use me without cancer. I hadn't even planned for the “What if I NEVER get cancer again.”Like oh my word! Imagine what the Lord could do with THAT.

He used cancer in such a great and mighty way, imagine what He can do with a healthy, strong and able body. He is beginning a new thing in my life.

Isaiah 43:18-19

Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold I am doing a new thing, now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

Why do I not accept this.

The Lord will, and is doing a new thing, and I am the healed of the Lord. No more “for this season” or “For right nows.” I am the healed of the Lord...period.

I don’t think that by any means I am called to forget that I had cancer, because I believe in full faith that the Lord will use that for His glory.

I can not wait for this new season of life to unravel. The Lord is showing himself in such a new way, and allowing me to see the Father’s heart in every aspect of my life.

So that’s been my challenge this week; am I prepared to not have cancer, and to finally let God use me in THIS season. The old has gone, behold He is doing a new thing.