No topic is too deep or disgusting, hot or heavy, interesting or inane.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

What Was I Thinking?

My body is stubbornly keeping my baby so I'm still waiting for this miscarriage to complete. It's been a week and a half since my baby died and I thought this nightmare would have been over by now. This waiting is torture, but I almost welcome the torment because I deserve it.

I mentioned to my husband that I might ask my doctor about sterilization options when I see him next week. My husband was surprised and asked why I'd want to know about such things. The answer is ridiculously simple: I don't want to experience this ever again and I'm willing to deprive my son of siblings in order to avoid it. I don't care how selfish that sounds because that's how I feel.

I've never thought that my husband is naive, but I'm beginning to think that my husband's naivete is greater than mine. Even though it took over a year and a half to get pregnant with this failed pregnancy, he seems to think that I'll get pregnant with no problem and go on to have a perfectly fine pregnancy. I wish I could believe that, but I don't. As I said the other day, my faith just isn't that strong.

I've been finding myself playing the "If only. . ." game. It's like the "What if. . ." game only full of more regret. If only I hadn't married my ex-husband, I could have started dating my husband several years earlier. If only my husband and I had decided to get married right away instead of screwing around for a couple of years. If only we had started a family right after getting married instead of enjoying each other so thoroughly.

Let's face it, these "if only" exercises highlight what's really bothering me. If only I wasn't in my mid-30s and he wasn't in his mid-50s, if only that then I'm sure we wouldn't have found it so hard to conceive our son or this poor baby. I've never spent much time regretting decisions I've made with my life, but I am now.

What was I thinking? Why did I wait so long to settle down, to get married, to start a family? I may be stupid, but I'm not dumb. So why did I make such stupid choices with my life? Why was it so damned important that I accomplish the things I wanted to accomplish prior to starting a family? Why did I do this to myself?

I know how women's fertility works. I know the age when it starts to decrease and children weren't even remotely on my radar at that time. I stupidly thought that getting pregnant in my mid-30s would be as easy as getting pregnant in my mid-20s. Guess what? It isn't.

I'm aware that plenty of women have no trouble getting pregnant in their 30s and beyond. I'm glad for them because they are fortunate, but I am not one of those women.

I thought I was so damn smart to delay parenthood and focus solely on growing my financial health. I've never had trouble making money. I've never had trouble managing my finances. I've never had trouble getting ahead in "life." No, my problem is worse and harder to remedy. I have trouble creating and sustaining life. It took a long time to conceive my son and it took more than twice as long to conceive this baby who didn't even make it to the second trimester. You can always make money, but you can't always easily make a family.

My husband doesn't think I should inquire about sterilization options so I probably won't. He's smarter than me and perhaps his emotions aren't so battered so he may be thinking more clearly than I am right now. I just don't know and I guess I won't know until the time comes to bring it up or not.