50 Shades of Grey Review

We Asked An Ex-Dominatrix All About BDSM - Just In Time For The '50 Shades' Sequel

You know have a phenomenon on your hands when your evangelical spinning teacher is more excited about going to see the film after class than pumping you up, as happened to me last Thursday night. All the more reason to be wary of some of the tips you don’t want to be taking away from 50 Shades Freed – whatever your curious partner’s insistence. I caught the film at the weekend and, from my professional point of view, I can tell you that a BDSM primer it ain’t. Here are the key things the film gets wrong – and what you should do instead if you want to experiment with BDSM.

Don’t buy your kit at B&Q

Christian might find it amusing (or erotic) to truss Ana up with rope bought at the hardware store she works at, but it just really isn’t fit for purpose. In fact, rope isn’t really for beginners at all. Far better to go for cuffs you can clip in and out of, or a silk restraint such as this one by Coco de Mer which requires absolutely no Boy-Scout badges whatsoever, just an ability to thread the ends through the loophole.

If you do want to attempt knots, Lovehoney has the best basic soft bondage rope which is nearly impossible to get yourselves in an undissolvable twist over. To learn to tie, you’d do well to consult the teachings of rope dojo expert Midori who is a world expert on how to tie bondage knots and the art of shibari (that’s Japanese bondage) as a whole.

And remember – if you wouldn’t buy your lady a vibrator from a novelty store, don’t buy her rope from a DIY store.

Whipping doesn't have to hurt

The final whipping scene of the first 50 Shades film has been criticised for bordering on the abusive – Ana takes a heavier beating than she, or much of the audience, is comfortable with. So, putting the emotional complexities to one side, let’s get something straight. The aim of any smacking-related kink activity isn’t necessarily to make the recipient cry but to excite both the striker and the strikee in a way that’s arousing for the both of them. Tears aren’t necessarily a sign of abuse – being hit hard can literally make your eyes water – but shouldn’t be the goal for most novice kinksters. Instead, the aim should be to arouse through a combination of triggering an adrenalin release, and increasing blood flow to the struck area …and if that happens to be an erogenous zone, it’s likely to be a sexy stimulant.

Remember that any area needs a warm-up – so starting with a hand-spanking is a must before you move onto your implement. It might seem counterintuitive if you have no kink experience, but leather is easier to tolerate on the skin than wood.

Don't be afraid of fisting

And if you blush at that word, we should probably stop right there… In the first 50 Shades, we get a close-up shot of Ana firmly crossing “anal fisting” off the sex contract between her and Christian. On the one hand, it’s positive to see the submissive exercise her agency – nobody should sign up for fisting (or anything else) if they don’t want to, of course. But on the other, I can’t help thinking Ana might have just needed more information to be able to make an informed decision compared to some of the other things she agrees to (like a dictatorial exercise regime and meal plan. As if giving up control of your vagina wasn’t enough, he also gets to dictate her Hobnob consumption?)

In general, fisting gets a bad rep. Mainly because most of us don’t understand a few basic principles about it. First up, it’s not about ‘punching’ the insides of the body, so much as about massaging. Secondly, it’s also perfectly possible – and natural – for the body to comfortably accommodate multiple digits (and the rest) providing you go slow, insert one finger at a time, over time, and are extremely well-lubricated. If you’re going for anal over vaginal, you’ll probably want to douche beforehand. The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Play by Charlie Glickman may be oriented at male pleasure but the guidance on fisting in there is some of the best there is. And yes, boys, that means we know you might be curious too – which is perfectly alright.

Keep emotional abuse out of play

Probably the fundamental flaw of the 50 Shades ‘relationship’ is the notion that Ana, a fully-blown (or not) virgin would be willing to engage in hard-core BDSM with no real self-knowledge or ramp up to it – and with a man that has no capacity or intention of fulfilling her emotionally. For the record, it’s the lack of emotional consideration that makes the whole thing unsafe, not the cable ties (although we still don’t advise).

Anyone who’s curious has to start somewhere – whether they’ve been fantasising about this kind of play – or simply got pinched too hard the last time they had sex and felt weirdly turned on as a result. But any of us should be wary of someone that wants to hook you in without really caring about what kinky things you’d like to get up to too. And if it’s a genuine relationship? The person won’t extend the play to the emotional realm unless that’s a mutually-agreed part of your arrangement.

If you're kinky and she's not, fundamentally you'll have to accept that she will always be compromising for you. Sexual compatibility might not be the most important aspect of your relationship, but if you’re really keen on making BDSM a core part of your sex life, always better to go for the seasoned player – or at least someone on the same kink page as you – rather than the virginal novice.

Nichi Hodgson is a journalist, broadcaster and sex educator. She is the director of the Ethical Porn Partnership and author of Bound To Me, a memoir that details her experiences as a professional dominatrix.