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so i rushed out of a work meeting to a routine results pick up - expecting the usual laugh with the nurse and all clear as has been the usual. i bristled when she said 'yeah, we wanted to see you..,' and before i'd sat down it had turned into a three-letter-appointment.

that was april 11. seems like ages ago now. been a bit of a nightmare since. nurse said indeterminate result. so i went shaking to a mate's place and his googled evidence and my unawareness and surprise to hear of an exposure convinced us it was a 'flu echo.' I had been off work with a flu thing a fortnight ago and for two days I clung to that headline. the third day i was back and saw a dr this time. he works in clinics in sydney and treats lots of people, and his opinion was that tho still not conclusive, the test results were quacking and walking like a duck. shit. shit. shit.

i spoke to the same mate again after this. he encouraged me to tell my partner. shit shit shit. but i did that. we don't have much sex together and there looks to be no risk to him as this looks fresh as.

he's been ok about the news, but happened to already have a week-long interstate holiday planned to begin a few days later. he went on it. i dropped him off at the airport, then went on to my next scheduled appt at the clinic. luckily my mate came to that one, which was the "hello, i'm going to be our new doctor now..." one. the blood work is still inconclusive, strengthening her theory that my recent flu was a sero c. shit. i kinda can see her point. 6 weeks before the test i had been at mari gras. i'd met a few nice blokes, sure, but had used latex. Looks like the horse bolted anyway. blood runs cold as i'm sitting there, hearing her voice go through the intake routine. thinking back, that week with the flu i had gotten a rash and looked terrible. i thought at the time i'd never seen anything like this on my body. the dark thought crossed my mind at the time. it had gotten in.

I left the clinic and went back to my mate's house. had some vodka. he'd been at mardi gras with me and was white as a sheet. he'd met a few more blokes on his holiday than I, and was repeating his disbelief at the news.

Then he also had to go away for a week. This kinda limited the people I could speak with, and certainly anyone close by enough to hug. lucky for the dog.

So, I've been in my room with a roaring head most of the time. From the "I'm your new dr for this" appt I had the rest of that day and the next off work then half days. in the afternoons i've been trying to deal with it. weekends are hard. Luckily i have phone contact with a great support org, who put me on to this site. so, hi to you all. thanks for the already provided content, been reading since last night/early morning. looks like you all are pretty helpful and keen to share, and sounds like i need to learn a heap of stuff that can freak me out a bit atm.

Thanks, Aunty, yeah that's right, indeterminate test result 3 months after years of neg ones. Showed antibody n a few of the main markers on a wb test. am having another test and those results will be back in 10 days or so, but 2 drs ive seen so far say it looks to be a very fresh case in progress of settling in. Next steps w the dr are about getting ready for the confirmed result, but to expect it not to be a false alarm. And im hooked in with a support organisation which is doing great things for my headspace. Thanks for your message.

i had the same wb result, and it is going to turn positive with high chance. because virus has 3 different kinds of proteins: pol, gag, envelope. you have to have 2 proteins for each of them. you only miss 1 protein, but even this much proves you have virus in your blood. you can do pcr test (polymerase chain reaction, which can find any protein in your blood) to make sure. but please don't feel down all of a sudden. i was the same. i did my elisa tests regularly, even in the times i was monogamous. when i had my tonsillitis i ask the doctor to check hiv elisa again, i was just confirming it is not it. i was afraid, but i knew it s a really low chance. but it turned positive.

please get your diagnosis with a pcr or another wb. my indeterminate wb turned positive only after 1 week. so you should do the new one already. if you want to chat on msn, or something else please pm me. don't force yourself into loneliness.

you re really opposite of me, i really fought and did tons of tests to learn that i got hiv. i don't think there is no way escaping the reality. just accept it, with regret and all those bad feelings, but accept and get the treatment so you can live more than 20-50 years. life is just going to get harder that s all. but please don't let your mind fool you. it is natural to think about it all the time, before going to sleep and in the morning, and regularly in the day time. you will feel real unlucky, you will get angry and stuff. these are natural, and please never let yourself lonely. you need a friend who will give you courage to fight this idiotic bug. we will be OK. feel yourself lucky because i can't drink water without pain for a month now! at least you have a really mild seroconversion. mine is like fully grown aids

if you feel lonely and want to chat or something, please send me pm. take care. bad part is going to over soon.

I was having a good day of not thinking about it. But I know it's always there in my mind no matter how much i push it away. Sh!T!! This is my life.

It is getting easier to know, and yes I am lucky I am not sick right now. I am still sore thru my body, glands n such, can feel it seeping thru my body, but it's not hurting. I am sorry to hear you are still sore, hope your mouth clears up soon.

Thanks for the kind and supportive words.

I wish so much it was a false result, but yeah, two specialist drs have looked at and like your post said, they say there are too many blot results so it's unlikely to be anything else.

It's a downer but I'm not Going to be beaten by a bug. I did some excercises, I ate a healthy meal, I'm wrapping my head around this and I'm going to win.

Glad you found your way here and feel free to discuss any issues that are important to you. It's hard to know what to tell first time posters, other than it does get better. Nobody can prepare us for testing poz, but we can help you adjust to being poz. I've been poz for 27 years and while your life will change because of you being poz, it does not end, nor does it mean you cannot continue to lead a full and rewarding life.

For now, just take your time. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel, without the need to do anything about any of it. Take care of yourself and that includes your mind, spirit and body. Do something, every day, that you absolutely love, if even for only 15 minutes. Learn to be kind to yourself, forgiving yourself where necessary and remember that you are the same person today, that you were before you were poz. The ONLY difference now is that you are poz. Never forget that you have HIV, HIV DOES NOT have you.

Adjusting to being poz is a journey and we'll be here to help you along the way.

i am doing the same. when i got infected, i was smoking 20 cigarettes a day, drinking alcohol, eating one or two meals a day. but now i quit all my bad habits, started to eat healtier foods. i thought maybe i live longer because of HIV. it is not just being optimistic. i might die at the age 50 because of lung cancer, but now i can live much longer because i have to live healtier. it is funny for sure.

it still sounds like you are living lonely. it might be better to spend time with your friends. i am still trying not tell my best friends. i don't want them to get upset. i know some of them will feel much worse than me. they will cry and mourn and stuff. i don't want to be buried alive. i don't want to be tagged as "hiv guy". so i think we should choose wisely whom to tell. but believe me, more you talk about all your bad feelings about hiv, you will start to feel better. i had some dream about my future, now i upgraded them with my new life. i am planing to do good stuff about hiv positive people. i think it might ease my regret.

Thanks killfoile and songs for your supportive notes. Much appreciated. I am having a rough time, but this is helping me to cope.

Tomorrow is the day. Confirmation test results. I dunno how to feel. I know what will happen, what I will be told, and from reading here I hope I have an ok idea of some of the next steps including options for medication. The meds scare me but sounds like they will be my new friends soon enough. I am lucky and thankful to have the option, and I know they represent the best hope.

And thanks again, killfoile for reminding me that it's still MY body, not the hitch hiker's.

My new job sounds like it is keeping this thing as a hitchhiker, not a hijacker.

I saw an art thing on one of the online forums linked from here. People had written letters to their virus. Once man wrote "you're 23 years old now, it's time for you to move out of the house" which made me laugh and have hope. It doesn't have to destroy my humor.

Thanks killfoile and songs for your supportive notes. Much appreciated. I am having a rough time, but this is helping me to cope.

Tomorrow is the day. Confirmation test results. I dunno how to feel. I know what will happen, what I will be told, and from reading here I hope I have an ok idea of some of the next steps including options for medication. The meds scare me but sounds like they will be my new friends soon enough. I am lucky and thankful to have the option, and I know they represent the best hope.

And thanks again, killfoile for reminding me that it's still MY body, not the hitch hiker's.

My new job sounds like it is keeping this thing as a hitchhiker, not a hijacker.

I saw an art thing on one of the online forums linked from here. People had written letters to their virus. Once man wrote "you're 23 years old now, it's time for you to move out of the house" which made me laugh and have hope. It doesn't have to destroy my humor.

It hasn't destroyed my humor. I can, however, be both really juvenile and insanely dark at the same time

Please listen to the wise folks who have lived with this bug for, well, forever. They know the drill. And the truth is, simply, that life goes on. You will be ok.

Logged

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

Confirmed. Last Thursday this test was drawn. Got the results just now. It shows me having 1,200 T cells with a Hitch-hiker load of 25,000.

Not a hideously big load, and a top-of-scale cell count. Phew. I am lucky and grateful. Looks like we found the hitch-hiker just after it arrived.

So, it's true. Story is, this body seroconverted mid March. I had an annihilating flu-like week, in bed for three days straight, sleeping continuously, a vivid and repeated nightmare (I had the same dream a few times), and was moping in bed awake but groggy and dozing off a bit for four more. Got a rash on my chest, which i have never experienced before, and I looked like death. Skin off-colour, those three letters crossed my mind, but I thought 'don't panic, you only play safe'. I felt awesome after i recovered from that 'flu'. Still can not identify a clear exposure point as all sex (yes it was rough against-the-wall butt fucking) was protected, but there is evidence of rectal fissure, and as we all know, the bug likes those. I seem to know it deeply now. This body was exposed, transmission occurred. Fact of life, accidents happen, comdoms break, sticky fingers can also be in the mix, tears and inflamation bring t cells to the surface of broken skin. I knew it was always SAFER sex, not 100% safe. bummer.

very good numbers indeed. you will have time before starting the meds lad. (i got hiv just 2 months ago and my cd4 is 259 and viral load is 2 million ( ) BDZ is something you can't combine with ARDs actually so use them as much as you want now but i like your humorous tone. it will be ok as long as you are calm and collected.

Even though we'd hoped for a different result, at least the torturous waiting is over. Those are very good starter numbers.

Having a good doctor with whom you can partner is essential to staying well. And you've already gotten a sampling of the support and informed responses you can get here. You're always welcome here to discuss anything that's on your mind.

Of course I am sorry it has gone this way, but I will say you've got a great starting attitude for this new part of your life.

I am assuming you're British too based on your amazing swearathon a couple of posts up! Good thing is, you caught this straight away, so it won't catch you by surprise later. Treatment these days is fantastic, and if you can get some support from your close friends all the better. You are gonna be stressed for a couple of months, and these thoughts go around your head, but I assure you that it does get better and life goes on. These are good forums to sound off on, so if you have any questions there's loads of smart people here who can help you.

Thanks, Lost n Andy n song -and the others posting earlier... It was heartwarming to wake up today, knowing for sure, and be able to login and read your responses to my post. heart warming and heart wrenching of course, coz it's a step off into poz reality. But to know people are out there and take time to say 'hang in there, you are ok still and will be for ages', helps a lot. Thank you to all - including the readers - for listening.

Song, yeah I know, Benzo gotta go, but she staying by my side for the mo! Hope your painful stuff is clearing up.

Lost, I'm a convict... , Oz Lad here... We have added to the base British swearing catalogue!

Andy, I specifically appreciate you saying 'we all hoped...'. Fact is, typing this brings a tear or two to my eye, someone was rooting for me who I Don't even know. Wow. Bigtime wow. I am deeply touched by that. Thanks for holding that hope for me, Olympic flame style, while i had dropped it. Keep a bit of it handy bro.

Glad those words were of comfort to you. As with many other life events, HIV is not one to do in isolation.

Bit by bit you'll find your feet in this new situation. As I expect you have at other times in the past with things thrown your way. Of course this has rocked you, but I see signs already of your hanging in and going forward.

You yourself do have a way with words.Looking forward to hearing from you further as the spirit moves you.

thanks, Andy. it is a hard time to go thru as u know. even though i had time to 'warm up' to this news, it's still totally floored me.

sometimes i can almost think i'm ok to handle it, that i can keep on going, be stronger, that this could even bring more focus to my life now. i tell myself i should get up, go outside, keep life moving along - but then i'll go whooshing down to emotional despair, be unable to move my body for lack of will as i sit with overwhelming grief. i haul myself into work weekdays, with afternoons evenings and weekends a whirlwind of mind cluster fucking. it feels like it's been forever, but it's more like a month.

coming online here has kept me inching forward, progress-wise, but this world of numbers, retro drug cocktails and biological vulnerabilities can be overwhelming to the point of collapse. my head feels hit with a sledgehammer. my spirit has been out to lunch for weeks and grief has set up camp in my head and a ton of nightmares arrived with it.

so i'm trying to do the right thing and learn as much as i can, know exactly how to best protect myself and others,to understand this bug. reading away online, i'm getting my head around the fact i now have infectious excretions, no great practical drama as it's all just safer sex and fluid quarantining, nothing new... nothing hard, then i read something which says that 'due to bacteria etc rimming could lead to KS' and I think well just what is the point, then?! Iím expected to keep on playing the game when now every lick could become a lesion? bugger me!

the same article went on to list drinking untreated stream water as a potential source of big-drama bacteria, so i decided it was to be read like an extensive list of potential side effects and contributing factors. and while maybe undoubtedly factually accurate was described in far too much detail for a happy life. i'm glad that even now i'm not depressed enough to take that laying down. it's still the same dirty bacteria-filled world, and i can't see me living happily in a bubble just because of this bug. i'm still going to want to drink from fresh mountain streams, jump in the mud and do whatever munching i used to do with my mouth before i was +... these are quality of life issues, and if all the cocksuckers are right to keep on going slurping...

phew. that outburst of faggery cheered me up a bit. sparked the old Lad.

i know it's normal to feel like this, and that it won't always be like this. posting online here i am well-aware that i'm not making news by experiencing or writing about it, nor am i having a unique experience, as so many more have met this bug before and wrestled with this shit. i just want it out of my head.

"i know it's normal to feel like this, and that it won't always be like this. posting online here i am well-aware that i'm not making news by experiencing or writing about it, nor am i having a unique experience, as so many more have met this bug before and wrestled with this shit. i just want it out of my head."

You're spot on about it being normal to have the feelings you are experiencing and with more to come. It is sometimes hard to keep in mind that this is all terribly new to you. But I can with some assurance say that gradually you are going to find things settling into place. You will learn everything you need to know to keep yourself healthy.

When you have a question just write it down. That way when you go to see your doctor you won't have to rely on memory to bring it up.

And of course you're always welcome here to discuss anything that's on your mind. Keep talking because for sure living with HIV is not something to do alone.

so i went to a psychologist to help get my head around this. i was afraid of having to tell someone why i was coming to see them. but i had to do it tho as head space getting worse.

first thing they said was "I knew some people who died of AIDS [sic] a decade ago, I'm surprised to hear you've got it." man... i guess i've been pretty low the past fortnight and was hoping for some strategies and focus on improving my head. i'm sure they were thinking that was an ok kind of thing to say, but it's a day so after that now and i still kinda feel a bit icky after that appointment. like i've told the wrong person, and that kinda freaks me out a bit. i've got another appoint booked in,... guess i should keep it? maybe it was just nervous shock or something on their part and next session will be better..

IMHO, the comment that was made to you was both unprofessional and rude. Any of us who took Psych 101 would know that. Unfortunately, a good therapist can be like finding a diamond in the rough; but please keep trying because when it works, it really works. It took me three tries and now I have a gem. I still can't believe the comment.....stupid.....jeez

Be forthright with the therapist, relate back to them what you said and that you found it offensive, then see how they respond. If it was a fluke then carry on, if you're not satisfied with their reaction then locate another therapist. Bottom line however is do not let one comment like this get you down.

Thanks, Philly. That's just what I've decided to do. thanks for the reassurance.

And Cojo thank you also. It was your two comments that prompted me to stick up for myself and not let this fcuk me over. Man I felt low when I made that post, so glad to have moved on from that dark headspace now.

your therapist was a jerk i also learned minimum cognitive therapy lessons at school and if it has some basic rules, your therapist bended all of them so i also suggest you to find another therapist. it will be really helpfull (and will be more effective as long as used with a right SSRI.)

Hi all. Just thought I'd post an update, as it signals and end to this phase of my journey wherein I met Harry the virus.

Today is Sunday 24 June, my fourth day on meds and things are going great. I feel Harry getting nuked and know I've taken control and feel some direction after these past awful months.

I am so glad for the support and infro from all you guys on here and thank you heaps for it.

For those just testing poz, three months ago i wouldnt have been able to say this, but it really isn't the end of the world. Have hope. Get support and medical care. Be strong. Even with Harry onboard, You are still the fantastic and powerful person in charge of your life, and there's plently more loving to come yet!!