This is the only breakup text you should ever send

In 2016 we ghosted, we mooned, and we benched, all to avoid telling that un-special person “I’m just not that into you.” We all know it’s bad to leave someone lost in the desert of their affection with no explanation, but there are rarely any serious consequences for the dumper: if you ghost someone long enough, they will disappear from your life forever. But ghosting is neither the most efficient nor respectful option: the ghostee is haunted by questions (Did he die? Did he notice that one extra-long chin hair?) forever.

I am a prolific after-a-few-dates dumper. I am to breakups as Trump is to late night tweets, which is to say that I do them frequently and with very little forethought. It takes me an average of three dates to realise that someone reminds me of my dad/my mom/Charles Manson, at which point I cut him loose in three short sentences that will leave you guiltless and free. After five dates you have to call—it’s the rules—but if you’ve only gone on a few dates and you’re not feeling it, send this:

“Hey (correct name). You’re amazing and it’s been so great getting to know you, but my ex is back in my life and we’re going to try to make it work. I hope we cross paths down the line!”

Why it works

When dumping someone after a few dates, you have a singular goal: politely end communication. Many dumpers qualify that goal, i.e. “politely end communication while leaving the door open for future booty calls” or “politely end communication while making sure that the dumped party keeps thinking of you, thus ensuring your continued relevance in a world where you are otherwise painfully irrelevant.” Anything but a clean break will result in further texting down the line—you have to shut the door completely. Here are some things that don’t shut the door:

“I’m so busy with work but maybe in two weeks we can get a drink.”

“I’m sick.”

[cricket noises]

“Yeah, let’s meet up later!” [then crickets]

The message of those things is clear, but for the dumpee there are still a lot of maybes to indulge. Maybe he really is sick for the third time this month. Maybe he has an autoimmune disorder and he was putting on a brave face for our first three dates but was secretly in terrible pain. Maybe I should go to him, and heal him with my love. Take out the guesswork. Kill the maybes.

It’s important that you make it a “you” problem without resorting to the cliché and “it’s not you, it’s me.” My ex is back in my life suggests an ancient, CW network-level drama. Ninety-five percent of dumpees will hear that, text you back “thanks for telling me, good luck!” and run far, far away. Nobody wants to compete against a lingering ex with whom you have history. We’re going to try to make it work protects you in case the dumped party investigates your Instagram in a few weeks and sees no sign of the prodigal ex. (“It didn’t work out… I’m not really dating right now.”)

The rest is fluff—but necessary fluff. Starting a text to someone you’re schtupping with Hey sends an unambiguous message (“Hey” not “Hey!”—that’s like smiling kindly while you punch someone.) Same goes for You’re amazing—we all know a “but” is coming—but then you add it’s been great getting to know you. This reminds the dumped party that those three to five dates were not a total waste of time and reasserts their value as a human being. I stole this line from a writer at a magazine that rhymes with The Shatlantic, who used it on me and made me feel very validated. That’s how you get to be a cultural pundit.

Then, the kicker: I hope we cross paths down the line! This is both a pleasant signoff and a signal that you don’t want to “keep in touch” or “be friends.”