Spoof news stories from Tuesday 28 June 2011

DISCOVERY
Dear Sir,
I wonder if any of your readers can settle an argument? Only, my husband and I were having a discussion the other day about the end of the world. He reckons it will happen either when the sun finally goes nova, turns into a red giant and swallows the earth up, or when we get hit by a giant asteroid. I reckon it'll end when we get overrun with vampires and zombies, which w...

After sixteen consecutive quarters of shockingly incorrect calls on the state of U.S. economy, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Ben Bernanke said this week's press conference would be his final sorry attempt at making predictions about the financial d...

Waterloo, Iowa - Republican presidential contender Michele Bachmann spent her first day as an official candidate back-pedalling on her misstatement that film legend John Wayne was born here in her hometown.
"Once Americans get to know me better, t...

Proponents of electoral reform were delighted today at the news that after wasting time with stuff no-one cared about like PR or AV or whatever, one of the real issues actually gripping the nation was to be decided by a plebiscite of the whole elect...

Carol Spritzer is launching the Isle of Wight News 'Pride of The Isle Awards 2011' nominations appeal, in partnership with Littleworths.web.
Each year she gets teary when she sees the winners and listens to their stories. This year will be no dif...

Last week I arranged a meeting with Kim Jong Ill on the set of the new Internet TV show called 60 Murders Plus. Since the world is a stage the set can be anywhere you like. Kim is a wonderful guy who after murdering his father is now in mismanagement and is currently Emperor of North Korea. He tasked me to find a serial killer at work and interview him. It seemed dangerous to mention that I was a...

Doctors' leaders today angrily reacted to the news that they were to be treated like every other poor sod.
Senior GPs and Consultants looked up from charging around in Range Rovers, guzzling Claret and refusing to do home visits long enough to not...

New York, NY - In a nation infatuated with social buzz and trends, few brands or organizations have matched the extensive duration of influence seen by MTV. After a decade of distancing their network from its original roots faster than a Black Repub...

With New York joining other states in legalizing gay marriage, it seems that it will be just a matter of time until they not only change the definition of marriage to include same-sex partners, but they demand that they be granted procreative rights.

The United States plans to take on North Korea at the Women's World Cup in Germany tonight. The US team says they are motivated and expect to defeat the Communist North Korean team.
Korean head coach Kim Kwang-Min offered only brief comment, "It...

There were extraordinary scenes at the world-famous Louvre museum today when a French art expert was challenged about his policy concerning the Mona Lisa.
Leonardo Da Vinci's iconic masterpiece of the young woman with the mysterious smile has been...

Three popular TV comics will be anxiously awaiting the reaction to their latest programme after warnings were issued by a television vigilante organisation.
The second and final episode of Three Men Go To Venice featuring Griff Rhys Jones, Rory Mc...

New York, NY-- The little space alien from a long,long time ago in a galaxy far, far away was very angry. Yoda heard that the winner of the ugliest dog in the world was named after him. He was deeply insulted, and flew to Earth in his spaceship to...

Noddy and his good friend Big Ears were driving out to the country for a picnic with their long-time friends Bill & Ben the flowerpot men.
A minor distraction ensued causing Noddy to misjudge the distance and time-frame required to cross the...

Italian condom heir and occasional TV guest star Gino de Genitalia has been persuaded by studio executives to once again appear in long-running drama Desperate Househusbands.
Despite woeful reviews of his acting skills, de Genitalia's first three...

London - Hackers and conspiracy nutz are trying to hunt down a Kate Middleton 'baby' born in Italy during a gap year stint at a Machiavellian - er...Florentine! - language school.
A complex matrix of cyberspace erasures and deletions detected in r...

A shocked vicar has stumbled across a website that directs old age pensioners to his churchyard for dogging sessions.
The Born Again Doggers website lists his church in the Essex village of Ugley as a "nice and secluded spot" to have outdoor sex...

A local transvestite butcher impersonating Lady Gaga in the local pubs in Reading, England has been attacked by a mob of hungry homeless dogs, after wearing the Meat Dress he purchased at a Bazaar Auction.
The local butcher affectionately known as...

Camilla Parker-Bowles found inebriated with her dress around her waist singing "The Flower Duet" (by herself) with unmelodious monotony, on the steps of Westminster Abbey after the reception of newlyweds, William & Kate.
In her left hand was a...

With Germany still choosing not to make any official response to the growing rumor that they plan to announce their withdrawal from the euro and a return to the Deutsche Mark this Friday, the Greek premier George Papandreou decided to jump ship even...

David Cameron is today appealing to his fellow MP's to forego the payment of their salaries for the time being.
'It is not fair on the taxpayer to have to fund our useless lives pretending we are in power when the levers of the State are quite out...

Finalists from Britain's Got Talent, Stavros Flattley and Son, are being sent in to Greece to help solve the country's economic crisis.
British Home Secretary Theresa Mayormaynot, has confirmed that the huge-personalitied gentleman and his son hav...

LOS ANGELES - Star Trek premiered on NBC back in 1966. It ran for three seasons and although it did not become a big hit in the ratings department it did attract a huge loyal fan following who refer to themselves as "Trekkies."
Two of the main sta...

Nobody really seems to have a clue what this is all about, but, an as yet undisclosed website has been gobbing off with words to the effect that Beyonce - who put thousands of music fans to sleep as she closed Glastonbury last weekend, doesn't appear...