Susan
Udin doesn't expect problems when the time comes to settle
her 92-year-old mother's estate. Her mother, who lives in
a nearby assisted living facility, has a will that divides
her assets 50-50 between Udin and her sister.

"There's
absolutely no mystery to it," said Udin, who is 57
and a professor at the State University of New York in Buffalo.

Udin
doesn't expect any squabbling over her mother's possessions,
because the sisters have different tastes. Still, they had
to find a solution about what to do with some Italian prints
their mother already gave them.

"We
trade them back and forth every year," Udin said.

Fact
is, estate planning isn't just about money; there can be
complex emotional issues involved.

Parents
may worry whether they're being fair in the way they divvy
up property among children and stepchildren. A child may
have a special fondness for a certain family heirloom, but
be reluctant to speak up for fear of sounding greedy. Neither
side, meanwhile, looks forward to discussing anything that
has to do with death and dying.

But
experts say parents and children who don't talk about legacy
issues miss a great opportunity for sharing their thoughts
on family traditions and values and may be setting the stage
for feuding after the parents' deaths.

A
new study indicates heirs are five times more likely to
fight about fulfilling their parents' last wishes and distributing
personal property than about dividing up their parents'
money.

The
Allianz American Legacies Study, sponsored by the Allianz
Life Insurance Co., also found that seniors and baby boomers
ranked money last in their list of important estate issues.
Ahead of it were sharing values and life lessons, understanding
final instructions and wishes to be fulfilled, and distributing
personal possessions that have emotional value.

Still,
just one-third of the more than 2,500 people surveyed said
they had discussed such a wide range of issues.

Ken
Dychtwald, president and chief executive of Age Wave, a
San Francisco-based consulting group that helped design
the survey, said families may be approaching estate planning
incorrectly.

"We
found that when you ask people to talk about inheritance,
everyone clams up," Dychtwald said. "Inheritance
is about money, and it's seen as greedy. But ask them to
talk about legacy ... it's as if we hit some kind of magic
button, and people open up about leaving behind family values
and traditions -- and money was just a piece of that."

Among
those who took part in the study was Janet Rowe, 69, of
Oak Park, Ill. Rowe, who still works part-time as a nurse,
said she wants to be remembered "as a loving, caring
person." But, she said, "I don't talk about it;
I've tried to act it."

Rowe
also has strong feelings about how her estate will be divided.
Under her will, each of her three children will get one-quarter
of the estate, and her four grandchildren will share the
remaining quarter.

"I
was trying to be even," Rowe said. "But I wanted
the grandchildren to get something of their own, and not
have to depend on their parents to get it."

Estate
attorney Les Kotzer, author of "The Family Fight --
Planning to Avoid It," said some parents think they
don't need to do any estate planning because they don't
see themselves as wealthy.

That
attitude, Kotzer said, ignores the fact that their children
may have strong feelings about a painting that has hung
in the dining room for years or a table inherited from grandparents
or even their father's war medals.

Many
parents mistakenly assume their kids will work things out
among themselves after they die.

"More
often, it's the lawyers who have to work it out," Kotzer
said. "And once a lawyer gets between your kids --
say the lawyer sends a letter to a sister on behalf of a
brother -- their relationship won't be the same anymore."

There
are several ways to accomplish fair distribution, he said.
Children can be asked to continue sharing the family cottage,
for example. Or each can be told to "take back what
you bought me." Or they can agree to take turns selecting
an item until all are gone. Or they can put names on things
they want, while the parents are still alive to referee.

"The
point is, estate planning is one area where silence is not
golden," he said. "You have to communicate, and
you have to organize your affairs before you pass away or
you risk leaving a legacy of anger."

"The
Family Fight" is not available in bookstores; to order
a copy from the publisher, call 1-877-439-3999.