Tuesday, September 30, 2014

On August 14th I had my 13th clean MRI in five years. That
day also marked my last appointment and end of my patienthood at Seattle
Children's Hospital. It's kind of a funny feeling, like being cut loose from
the mothership or something. It feels very similar to when I finished treatment
and was no longer going to the hospital for weekly visits. It's kind of like
the end of an era or something, the close of a chapter in my life's story.

As I have been walking through the past to tell this story
it's almost like I'm writing about a different person, a separate version of
myself. I am who I am now because of that person and the experiences I had
then. My hopes and dreams and what's important to me now were all shaped by my
experiences then.

Throughout high school I would always say "last
year" when I was talking about anything from when I was sick. Since I went away to college that time seems
so far away. The new place and separation, I think, allowed me to put it behind
me. I may have moved forward, but will always carry with me my
experience. It is what inspires me to
want to help others in similar situations. That is why I love working at Camp
Korey and with the Sunshine Kids and why I want to become a child life
specialist.

Thank you for taking this journey with me. I am glad that I
took the time to go through the past and write down my memories because they
have already started to blur and fade.

I want to end by sharing with you a poem I wrote while I was
on treatment. I have done a lot of writing about cancer starting with my This I
Believe essay, then my CaringBridge entries and blog posts as well as many
scholarship essays, but this piece has always been my favorite.

Monday, September 29, 2014

I spoke at a fundraiser
for cancer research earlier this year and the other survivors and I that spoke were
called “cancer champions.” I felt uncomfortable with this term. I had certainly
survived cancer and overcome cancer but I never felt like a “champion.”To me, in order to be a champion there needs
to be a competition. Since my cancer, like anyone’s cancer, was made of my own
cells, it seems strange to think of myself as a champion in a competition
against my own body. This term also made me feel like the most important thing
about me was that I had “won” against cancer.

This title reminded of
other ways that as a cancer patient I felt idealized or simplified as a person
because of my disease; times that my diseased status was put ahead of anything
else about me. I know that when someone has cancer or a severe illness it can
be hard to know what to say and I do appreciate that people were trying to be
supportive, but there are a few things that began to grate on my nerves as a
patient.

Something people often say when talking to or about children with cancer is, “You are so brave/ a
hero.”

I have mixed
feelings about this one. I understand the sentiment and truly appreciate the
support. However, these statements always made me feel awkward because I never
really felt brave and I definitely wasn’t a hero. I was doing what I had to do
to survive. To me this was not an extraordinary choice. It was extraordinary
situation, but it was an ordinary choice. I chose to survive; I chose to live.Statements
like, “you’re so brave” can make it seem like people with disease never have
bad days and that they’re always “heroic,” “strong,” and “positive.” That’s how
I felt anyway and it felt very disingenuous.On my CaringBridge I tried to keep my posts positive. I didn’t want
anyone to feel bad for me. If it was a bad day, I didn’t write or I asked my
mom to write an update, but I had bad days, plenty of them, and sometimes when
things got bad I asked, “why me?” I often felt bad, like I was misleading
people or something. (Esther talks about this in the video I included in my
blog about her) I was not a heroic pillar of strength and bravery all the time.

Another
thing many people said was something along the lines of, “I would never be able
to… do treatment… drive to Seattle every day… do what you are doing.”

The only reason
I was doing any of that was because if I didn’t I would die. This is typically
the choice when it comes to pursuing treatment – do it (despite the horrible
side effects) for the chance to live, or don’t do it and possibly die. I know
this may sound melodramatic and morbid, but it is a life or death situation.
You have to do what you have to do to survive. So, everyone, please give
yourself some credit, you probably could do what I did. If you were in my shoes,
you would likely do whatever you had to do to survive too.

Also,
when I was sick many people changed the way they talked to me. The best way to
explain it is to say that people talked to me like a sick person. I was treated
with great care as if I was very fragile and would break.It seemed like people would only see my
illness and not see the whole complex person underneath. To me this was
exemplified by the change in the way some people greeted me. Instead of saying
Hi, how are you?” people would say “Hi, how are you feeling?”

This seems like
such a little thing, but it was big to me. I know people were concerned about
me and wanted to see if I was doing okay. But, it made me feel like my illness
was the only important thing about me to other people. It made me feel somehow
reduced and separated from others. This is how you talk to the sick girl and this
is how you talk to the normal people, so to speak. Also, I just wanted to talk
about something besides my illness all the time.

All of these
things built up over time and I appreciate that people were trying to be
supportive. I guess it felt like I was being
masked by my illness. Like the cancer girl was all many others saw. To me my
cancer status was not the only or most interesting thing about me.

I don’t mean any
of this to sound harsh or that I am blaming anyone. Because of my experience I have worked hard
to see people with illnesses and disabilities as whole people and to look past
what can be seen on the surface. It is my hope that by sharing my experience I
can encourage others to do the same.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

The Run of Hope was today and it was a great event! The preliminary total funds raised for pediatric brain cancer research at Seattle Children's is $360,000 and they are still not done counting!!! Thank you to everyone who supported my team, Sammy's Blobslayers by donating or participating in the event. As a team we raised $2,530!!!

2014 Sammy's Blobslayers

***

Bellingham, Washington is situated on the shores of
Bellingham Bay at the base of Mount Baker; so far north it's almost Canada. Western
Washington University resides in Sehome Arboretum overlooking the bay. It is
such a beautiful place to live and learn.

Old Main Through the Trees

I absolutely love being at college! I feel like my eyes are
open and seeing the world I was blind to before. I have had many incredible and
eye-opening classes as well as many amazing professors. I'm looking forward to
the next two years as I will be taking all upper division courses from my
majors (psychology and sociology). One of the greatest things about college for
me is the independence. When I was on and recovering from treatment one of my
biggest worries was that I would always be dependent on others. Living in
Bellingham for the past two years has shown me that that will definitely not be
the case.

I love the city of Bellingham so much! It is the only place
I've ever lived where I feel a sense of community. It appeals to my "hippie" nature with its focus on reducing environmental impact as well as promoting small
local businesses. I have many favorite places in Bellingham and I thought I'd
share here with you guys.

Restaurants:

Mallard ice cream
– all their ice cream is homemade and it’s my belief that Mallards is home to
the best peppermint ice cream ever.

Michael's Books –
great used bookstore for those who love old book smell (I got to see a first
edition copy of To Kill a Mockingbird
last week, which was incredible)

View from the boardwalk

Village Books –
awesome local bookstore

Places:

Boulevard Park/Taylor
Dock – a beautiful boardwalk by the bay overlooking the ocean and

mountains. The most incredible view at sunset on a clear spring or summer
evening.

Bellingham Farmer's Market
– a very fun Saturday outing

#1 Favorite Place:

Pickford Film Center
– A local art house movie theater staffed primarily by volunteers. They show
independent movies, documentaries and foreign films, in other words movies you
wouldn't see anywhere else. Because I love movies so much, I've always wanted
to work at a movie theater. Now I do. For at least two hours a week I volunteer
at the Pickford Film Center selling tickets and concessions. It is so fun to
work with such great people who love movies as much or more than I do. Plus I
get a free movie pass every time I volunteer.

I can't believe college is halfway over already. It has been
such a wonderful experience so far I've learned so much and I have made many
new friends. I'm really looking forward to what the next year will bring.

Mischief managed,

Sammy

P.S.I moved off campus to an apartment this year, which is
very exciting. If you would like my new address please send me an e-mail.

Before I was diagnosed I didn't really know what I wanted to
do in the future. I would usually say I wanted to be an aerospace engineer
because that's what I decided on in middle school when I learned you can't just
apply to NASA to be an astronaut (my life's dream starting around age 3). But, by high school I didn't really want to be an astronaut anymore; it was just
something to say.

While I was in the hospital I was introduced to child life
specialists, people who are specially trained to help children and families
cope with hospitalization. I had never heard of the position before, but I quickly learned how important it is for patients. Child life
specialists take care of the social and emotional side of the patient while the
doctors and nurses handle the physical and medical side. This way the whole patient is taken care of.

I now know that this is what I want to do with my life. I
want to be a child life specialist. I had an incredible team, including several
child life specialists, who helped me through treatment and made a tremendous
difference in my life. Now I want to work to give back and make a difference in
the lives of future kids and their families.

The first step to become a child life specialist is to earn
a bachelor's degree. I am now in my junior year at Western Washington
University double majoring in psychology and sociology. After I earn my degree,
I plan to earn a Master's degree in child life before taking the test to become
a certified child life specialist.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Senior year was really incredible. After having surgery on
my foot during the summer, foot and ankle pain was no longer a major limitation. I was able to do
more and participate more. Afullhead of hair and fixed up feet will do a lot to make a girl feel like a "regular kid." I had great classes,
teachers, and friends. I was able to participate in the many senior
festivities.

In November I was very happy to be accepted to Western
Washington University where I planned to study psychology.

Prom was the high point of the year. Although, I'm not a
girly girl I have looked forward to prom for a long time – the fancy dress etc.
I also wanted to have really long "mermaid hair" that I could put in
an up-do. Through the magical talents of Tracy King along with some hair extensions,
my up do dream came true. With an awesome blue dress and some bedazzled
sneakers I was on my way to the prom of my dreams.

I asked my friend Michael to prom and we went with a group
of friends. It was most definitely one of the greatest nights of my life.

Prom Group

There is one moment, however, that stands above the rest in
my return to school. On the last day of school at the senior assembly I was
awarded one of the staff scholarships. As I walked to the podium the entire
senior section stood and clapped and cheered. I was overwhelmed by the
spontaneous display of support. While I had been disappointed by the lack of
support from my peers since I returned to school, I was so happy that I got to see it in that moment. This
care and support was also shown in the messages written in my senior yearbook.
I actually had people asking me if they could sign my yearbook because they
wanted me to know how much I inspired them.

Here is what my classmate Sara posted on my Facebook
wall after the assembly:

Sammy,You are an amazing young woman. As I watched you
being presented with your award today I looked around the gym and saw the look
on everyone's faces... truly incredible. To all that may know you or not, know
the positive energy you give off. I feel so blessed to be a part of such a
strong class. I can't wait to hear the speech you have prepared for graduation.
You are remarkable and I couldn't thank you enough for such a great 4 years.
Not only did you help me pass French but inspired me to never give up. You are
a fighter. You did it Sammy. We all love you.-Sara

Graduation

While school was a challenge at the beginning, it only went
up from there and got better and better, culminating in an incredible end to my
senior year.

I graduated on June 16, 2012 and was chosen by Jackson's
staff to give one of the commencement speeches. I was also very fortunate that
my Grammie and Grandpa and Aunt Katie were able to come to Washington
for my graduation. I also shared my graduation with my friend Pattie and
favorite teacher Mrs.Rodriguez.

Mischief Managed,

Sammy

Run of Hope Total: $2,370

There are only TWO DAYS left to contribute to this year's Run of Hope supporting Pediatric Brain Tumor Research!

Thursday, September 25, 2014

When I became a nerdfighter in 2008, I read John Green’s
books Looking for Alaska and An Abundance of Katherines and loved
both of them. I felt he had the best voice of teen characters that I had read
in YA fiction. They were full and complex and flawed just like real teenagers.
I followed him as he wrote and then released his very successful book Paper Towns and couldn't wait for his
next book to be published.

Slowly small bits of information came out about the new book
at around the same time that I was finishing treatment. First, that the narrator
was a girl, which I thought was awesome. Then he let out that she was a
16-year-old girl with cancer. I couldn't contain my excitement. My favorite
author was basically writing a book about me. I anxiously awaited the release
and hung on every nugget of information he shared about the book in his videos.
In January 2012, the middle of my senior year, the book was released and I
devoured it in days. I would sneak it under my desk in class because I just couldn't put it down. I remember sitting in history class tearing up as Gus told Hazel that ... (spoilers).

In the book, Hazel says that Peter Van Houten (the fictional
author of An Imperial Affliction),
"Writes what it's like to be dying without having died himself." That
is the very way I feel about John Green and The
Fault in Our Stars. He captured so well the experience of being a teenager
with cancer without being a teenager with cancer. Hazel, Gus, and Isaac’s
experiences and feelings related to their disease completely validated my own
thoughts and feelings. They made me feel less alone even though I read the book
two and a half years after completing treatment. I wish that I had the book
while I was on treatment and felt so alone. I wish I could have shared it with
my friends to help them understand my experience.

What I think is most important about the characters in this
story is that they are more than their disease. They are complex, multifaceted,
flawed people living good lives while also having cancer.

Thank you John for your beautiful book!

Mischief Managed,

Sammy

Because I have friends in the bookstore business I was fortunate enough to be able to meet John (and Hank) on the book tour for The Fault in Our Stars. Thanks, Jessica!

Run of Hope Total: $2,270

There is THREE DAYS left to contribute to this year's Run of Hope supporting Pediatric Brain Tumor Research!

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

I finished treatment at the beginning of August 2010 and was
very excited to go back to school in September. If you know me, you know that I
love school. It was really difficult to miss so much.

Back-to-school shopping is one of my favorite things and
that year was no exception. I remember having a great time with mom and Megan
at Target walking or being pushed (I can't remember) up and down the aisles
immersed in the smell of a new paper, pencils, and crayons etc. It was a lovely
day.

Although it was very exciting to be starting school again,
there was some disappointment mixed in. Despite my school counselor Mrs.
Williams’ assurances that I can graduate on time, I was convinced I'd have to
stay an extra semester or year.

Decked out the walker for homecoming

When I started back at school I was bald, eyebrowless and
needed a walker to make it through the hallways. It was tough just to get
through the day at first. Many times I got home and crashed on the couch and
into a nap.

While I was glad to be back, school was very different than
I expected. I didn't know you could feel so lonely surrounded by 2,000 people.
It was as if my walker created a force field around me that other people
couldn't penetrate. It seemed as if people didn't see me. People I knew seemed
to look right through me or barely acknowledge me even if I said
"hi." I don't know if they just didn't know what to say or were
scared for some reason. No matter the reason, it hurt. To feel invisible is a
horrible thing and that is what I experienced. This taught me the importance of
acknowledging others, saying “hi”, or a nod of acknowledgment can make a big
difference in how someone feels about their self.

This is not to say that there was no one that acknowledged
me and supported me. I had a wonderful group of friends and supporters.

One new friend in particular I couldn't have made it through
high school without. While I was on

Brooke & Me on prom night

treatment, Brooke Hereth became friends
with Megan, so we heard about each other a lot. We describe meeting in person
like meeting a pen pal because it felt like we already knew each other. Brooke
was incredibly supportive and remains one of my best friends. She's a great
person to talk to and hang out with; she makes me laugh and is a kind and thoughtful
friend. I think something that made her such an important friend was that she
had not known me before I was sick, so she didn't have someone to compare to as
"normal" Sammy. Thank you so much, Brooke for being such a great
friend in high school and continuing to be one of my closest friends.

I was depressed and often felt overwhelmed by everything
going on from the problems with my leg. to felling isolated, to fears about the future. I have to
thank my incredible psychologist Christine for helping me maintain my sanity
and figure things. She was another important member of my super-team that
helped me get through this experience as well as I have.

One thing that made me feel alone was that in classes,
people I knew, friends even, would walk into class, see me, say hi, and walk
past. No one ever asked if they could sit by me, or if I wanted to sit by them.
I felt like it was always me in my little corner by myself.

This changed senior year when a guy named Sean Hoon that I
knew from math class the previous year walked in to AP Lit. There were plenty
of empty seats, but when Sean walked into the room he asked if he and his
friend Michael could sit by me. Of course, I said yes. It was great getting to
know and becoming friends with Sean and Michael throughout the year. This is
one of those memories of my experience during and recovering from cancer
treatment that sticks out. It was such a small moment, but meant so much to me.

By the end of my first semester back at school, I was doing
much better and didn't want to have to stay any extra time. So, I figured out
that Mrs. Williams was right all along. I would be able to graduate on time; it
would just take a little extra work. I did independent study with the theater
teacher, waived PE with physical therapy, and took an English class online over
the summer. The rest of my graduation requirements would be met during my
senior year.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

About halfway through my chemo treatments, sometime in May or
June, Cory told me about the Sunshine Kids and that she wanted to put my name
in for a trip to Orlando in October. Then, I had no idea the impact that this
organization would have on my life.

The Sunshine Kids foundation is an organization that plans
events and trips for kids and teens with cancer. They have regional events like
going to sports games or plays as well as hospital parties for kids who are
inpatient. They also have national trips each year for older kids. Several hospitals
choose four patients each and about 40 to 50 kids attend each trip. Locations
include Orlando, California, New York, Washington DC, New Orleans, and several
others.

Wearing my Toy Story Mickey ears.

In October 2010 I attended the Florida Fun-N- Sun
celebration in Orlando, FL. I had so much fun and it was wonderful to be
surrounded by people who were experiencing similar things. I finally got my
wish to connect with people like me. We all understood each other and medical
speak made sense to all of us. It was incredible how quickly cancer disappeared
and was replaced by having fun and making friends. The experience was also
incredibly freeing as I realized that I could be independent and take care of myself.
The trip greatly boosted my confidence and when I got back home I swapped my
walker for a cane.

Several months later I received a phone call from the
Sunshine Kids telling me that I had been chosen as the 2011 National Spokeskid.
It was such an honor to be asked to represent the organization that had given
me so much. As a spokeskid I represented the Sunshine Kids by speaking at
fundraisers and volunteering at regional events. The first task of being a
spokeskid was to attend Prudential Real Estate’s national convention. (Prudential
is the Sunshine Kids’ biggest contributor and fundraiser.) That year the
convention was in San Diego, California and my mom and brother Brandon came
with me. That week was one of the most amazing weeks of my life. I spent the week
with the 2010 and newly named 2011 spokeskids and their families. It was
incredible how fast we bonded with each other. We started as strangers and
departed as the best of friends. This trip again boosted my confidence in my
abilities when I came home I stopped using my cane.

Me and Katie in San Diego

I became especially close to one of
the other spokeskids, Katie Lynch. She had such a warm, sunny personality. She
was the person I had been searching for while I was on treatment. Someone that
I could connect with. For several months after the trip Katie and I traded text
messages on a regular basis, talking about all sorts of things. Shockingly, on
May 20, 2011 Katie passed away while recovering from a stem cell transplant.
This is what I wrote about her that day: “She was such a special girl. I only knew her for three months, but she has changed my life forever. During and post treatment I was searching for someone. Someone who knew what I had been through. Someone who felt what I felt. Someone who was like me. Someone I could talk to. Someone who really understood. Katie was that someone. She radiated her warmth and light all the way from Indianapolis to rainy Seattle. Though I am devastated by
her death I know Katie is in a better place where words like "cancer"
don't exist.”

Katie and the many other Sunshine Kids I have befriended over the years have made a huge impact in my life. Not only did I no longer feel so
alone, I have also made many dear friends.

30 years of Sunshine Kids

The following year Mom and I attended the Prudential
convention in Orlando to welcome the 2012 national spokeskids. This year was
very special because it was the 30th anniversary of the Sunshine Kids
foundation. To celebrate, 30 former Sunshine Kids were invited to the event. It
was so incredible to see people who had families and careers, were living
successful lives and had been cancer free for 10 or 20 years. It was also
incredible to see the impact this amazing organization has had on so many
people over the years.

In addition to national trips I have also participated in several local events. Since 2011, my mom and I have volunteered at the yearly regional Sunshine
Kids event in Seattle. This past year we were asked to plan events on our own for
the Seattle area several times a year. We are both very excited to be able to
offer more fun events both in the hospital and out of the hospital for patients
at Seattle Children's. So far we have planned two very successful hospital
parties and are looking forward to more events in the future.

I can't begin to describe how important this organization and
the people I have met are to me and the impact they have had on my life. I am
so thankful to be a part of an organization that is doing such important and
life-changing work.

Mischief Managed,

Sammy

Run of Hope Total: $2,170

There is only one week left to contribute to this year's Run of Hope supporting Pediatric Brain Tumor Research!

Monday, September 22, 2014

Through treatment and the isolation that came with it, I
wanted to meet and get to know someone with a similar experience to me, but
never did until I was introduced to Esther.

Since 2008, I have been a nerdfighter, (a follower of the
vlogbrothers channel on YouTube). The brothers are John and Hank Green. (John
is the author of The Fault in Our Stars
and several other young adult novels.) In 2010 John was friends with a
16-year-old nerdfighter named Esther Earl who was a cancer patient. He talked
about her in several videos and mentioned that she had a YouTube channel of her
own.

I had, just days before, finished my final round of
chemotherapy when Esther posted a video called "Nothing More Than Feelings,"
in which she described a lot of feelings related to her illness many of which I
also felt. It was an incredibly validating experience watching Esther’s video. She helped me see that I was not alone. Sadly,
Esther passed away later that month. My connection to her remained because I
could always go back to her videos. I never met her in person or got to know
her, but Esther was my first connection on the bridge out of loneliness and
isolation.

Esther always wanted to be a published author and she finally
became one in 2013 when a book of her collected journals and writings was
published. It is called This Star Won't
Go Out. Although I was three years out of treatment when I read it, Esther
continued to show me that I wasn't alone.

The next thing that helped me feel less alone was my trip to
Orlando with the Sunshine Kids, which I will write about in a future post.

Mischief Managed,

Sammy

Esther's family started a foundation in her honor called
This Star Won't Go Out that helps to support kids with cancer and their
families. You can learn more at: http://tswgo.org/

*****

Run of Hope Total: $2,145

There is only one week left to contribute to this year's Run of Hope supportingPediatric Brain Tumor Research!

Sunday, September 21, 2014

There is a reason I titled this blog "Getting Back to Life."
When I was on treatment it was as if my life was on pause. When I was on
"play" again so much had changed and I had to figure out life again.

Understandably, many people think that when a person
finishes cancer treatment that cancer is over and the person goes right back to
the person they were before cancer. After such a significant experience going
back is simply not possible. For me, I was a much different person after
treatment. I had allowed myself to open up and live my life for me instead of
what I thought others expected of me.

The side effects of treatment also continue even after it's
over, sometimes for your whole life. These are called late effects and some may
not surface for months or even years after treatment.

My treatment caused me to have some difficulty with memory
and spatial awareness. I also have several hormone deficiencies from the
radiation to my brain. I have slight hearing loss from one of the chemo drugs
as well. When treatment ended, I was also continuing to recover from my leg
infection. My leg was very weak and had limited mobility. Almost every step was
painful. I needed to use a walker or cane for many months and attended physical
therapy at least twice a week for two years.

In fall 2010 I was very happy to be done with treatment and
to be cancer free, but "getting back to life" was not easy at first,
as you will see in the next few posts.

Saturday, September 20, 2014

It has taken me several months to get my story down on
paper/screen. I started by writing each entry as they came to me, but I kept
putting this one off. In fact, it is the very last entry I wrote while putting
all these posts together.

The posts about people were the most challenging to write because
I love all these people so much that it is hard to put into words how much they
matter to me. But no one was more difficult to write about than my mom. It is
very difficult to put into words what I want to say about her. She was there by
my side the whole way and our relationship was strengthened and deepened by
this experience.

Billy Joel/ Elton John concert

She was and is without a doubt my greatest supporter,
cheerleader, teammate etc. I have said this about many people, but for Mom it’s
different, there is truly no way I could make it through any of this without
her by my side. She was there for everything; we went through it all together.
She stayed with me every night that I spent in the hospital, sleeping on a very
uncomfortable fold-out couch contraption. She was my best and most attentive
nurse both at home and in the hospital. She always found a way to rig something
up to make me more comfortable, from radiation burn treatment to the tricked
out wheelchair set up she designed after my leg infection. (Hence the nickname
“Mother of Invention”). She was always there to help pick me back up when I
felt down or overwhelmed, which was quite often, especially when I was
returning to school. She was one of my closest friends.

She was my
everything.

Last appointment during treatment

I cannot express how grateful I am for everything she did
and continues to do for me.

Friday, September 19, 2014

I’ve
always been a dog person and lived with a dog in the house my whole life. Needless to say some fury four-legged friends
helped keep me smiling while I was on treatment.

#1 dog of course, was my best girl Polly. I
couldn’t always pet her (because of germs, etc.), but Polly was almost always
at my side or watching me from across the room.
She had always been good at
reading the room to see who could use a little puppy love. So it seemed that she knew that something was
up with me. Polly was the greatest dog and the best friend a girl could
have. She even kept a party hat on for
most of my 16th birthday party.

When
I was in the hospital for 11 days for my brain surgery and then again for 6
weeks with Nec Fasc, I really missed my Polly girl. So it was always a joy to get visits from the
wonderful therapy dogs that visited Children’s: Abe, Pie, Klada, Cole and
Dresden are just a few that I met.

Klada

Cole

Dresden

16th Birthday Party

Also,
while I was in with Nec Fasc a friend of ours' Golden Retriever had a litter of
puppies. She had a webcam on so you
could watch the little guys scurry around.
I can’t tell you how many hours Mom and I spent watching the puppies on
my little net book. We decided that if
Tracy bred her female Cassie again, we would buy a puppy.

In June 2011, we came home with our own furry, yellow bundle of joy, Will. (Well to be exact: Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy of Pemberly. I named him) We got pick of the litter. He also happens to be the largest of any of
Cassie’s litters. Since I already had my Polly, Will and Brandon became best
buds.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

There are women in the world that I call,
“cool-aunt-type-people” and I am lucky enough to have one in my life; my Auntie
Katie. She is very fun to be around and just plain awesome. We have many common
interests, especially books. Over the years we've have had many good talks about books and their
movie adaptations. (Harry Potter is a favorite of ours.) We are very close, so
of course Aunt Katie was a big part of my cancer support team.

When my mom called her to say I was in the hospital, she
flew to Seattle from St. Louis two days later. One of the last things I
remember being told before I went to the operating room for my brain surgery
was that Aunt Katie was coming. She arrived during my eight hour surgery. Apparently
her coming had a big impact on me because when I saw her after my surgery in the ICU
the first thing I said was, "Thank you for coming." I proceeded to
tell her this almost every time I saw her for the rest of her visit. She stayed
for a week and took care of Dad and Brandon at home. She also came to the
hospital to help mom take care of me or give mom a break to take care of things
she needed to do away from the hospital.

Even when she was at home she still did things that made me
smile. Aunt Katie frequently commented on my CaringBridge page and her posts
always made me feel good.

When I was in the hospital for the necrotizing fasciitis
infection, Aunt Katie came to Seattle for Easter. She cooked up some Easter
dinner which she, Brandon and Dad brought to the hospital. I always enjoyed her
visits. They really brightened up my time at the hospital.

Aunt Katie, forever the Sammy supporter, also came to
Seattle from my high school graduation and for the 2012 Run of Hope.

I can't tell you just how incredibly awesome and amazing my
Aunt Katie is and always has been.

Mischief managed,

Samma-Lamma

P.S. I am also fortunate enough to have a
“cool-uncle-type-person” for an uncle. Uncle Gary is always fun to be around.
We have battled each other over many a board game and he is the best babysitter
I ever had. Uncle Gary also posted often on my CaringBridge and his posts
always made me smile.

I
am so lucky to have such amazing people in my life. I love you Aunt Katie and
Uncle Gary!

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

To help write these blogs I
have been reading through my CaringBridge posts and other writing I did during
treatment and there is certainly a theme that runs through from beginning to
end: the importance of positivity and gratitude for the little things. These
values not only helped me get through my experience with cancer, they are the
way I have always and continue to live my life.

There
are several passages that I wrote previously that I think express these ideas
really well.

October 29, 2009 –Brain
Surgery Day

This I Believe Essay

“In the hospital it is
easy to be taken over by negative thinking. But I think that is a waste of
energy. Instead I am planning on suffocating cancer with laughter and smiles,
smothering it with hope and positivity and the love and support of my family
and friends. That’s not to say that I go around perpetually grinning. Sometimes
it’s a struggle to stay positive. That’s when I think of all I have to be
grateful for. Today, among other things, I am grateful for non-skid socks,
visiting friends, and applesauce. It’s these rays of light that help me stay
positive.”

I
think positivity is often confused with happiness. To me positivity doesn’t
mean being happy all the time. It means looking for the best in each situation
even when the situation is rough. What helped me to keep a positive attitude
was to look for the light spots in the dark. The small things that made me
smile, laugh, or feel warm inside. Sometimes it was having a good nurse,
getting a card for my grandma, graham crackers or a hug from my family or
friends. By looking for and appreciating the little things I was able to see
light in a dark place and look forward to the light at the end.

August 30, 2010 – Two
weeks after completing treatment

CaringBridge Journal Entry

“I really like thinking
about the little things that make me happy each day. They are almost better
than the big things. I think it’s because they are unexpected. They sneak up on
us and fill us from head to toe with joy.”

To
me, maintaining a positive attitude is a cycle. By looking for the best in a
situation, we notice the little things (so all you people doing the Facebook gratitude challenge, you are at the start of the cycle). When we appreciate the little things we
are able to maintain a positive outlook. With a positive attitude it becomes
easier to see the best in a situation and the cycle becomes a positive feedback
loop (pun possibly intended J
)

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

This is the quote that Megan Hickman
and I used to define our relationship when we were in middle school. I met
Megan at Gateway Middle School on the seventh grade softball team. We really
became friends the next year in Mr. Lunder’s eighth-grade block class. That
year we had many sleepovers, and bike adventures and long talks. We listened to
a lot of Taylor Swift and even developed a secret code that we used to write
notes to each other. We had a great time together on our eighth-grade trip to
Washington DC before we started the big adventure of high school, only we
didn't know just how adventurous it would be.

I can say without a doubt that I
would not have made it through treatment as well as I did without Megan. It is
difficult to describe just how important she was to me, but I think this story
illustrates it pretty well.

When I was in the ICU with
necrotizing fasciitis, in a rare moment of coherence I wanted four things.

– To stop the study protocol, (this
meant many fewer pills per day and fewer side effects)

– To see a therapist, (which Dr.
Leary had been encouraging me to do)

– To stop school

But the number one thing I wanted
was to see Megan.

Sunday at the Hospital

Megan was my only friend who stuck with me and supported me
all the way through treatment and beyond. I don't know what to say to express
how incredible she was. She visited me every Sunday when I was in the hospital
with Nec Fasc. She frequently visited me at my house where we spent many hours
on the couch watching movies and talking and napping. She decorated my room
when I finished radiation. She did so many things to try to get support from my
friends at school, making posters for people to sign and gave me a whole
role of receipt tape filled with notes from classmates. When she called to see
if I was up for a visit and I said I wasn't feeling up for one, she'd say, "That's
okay, do you want to talk?"

Run of Hope 2011

She made me laugh (usually at the same joke that I'd
forgotten from her last visit), she made me smile but most importantly she made
me feel that I wasn't alone.

I'll be ever grateful for the friendship and support and
love that Megan gave me. As I said before, I don't know what I would have done
without her.