I write about my husband, who also is my Master and about our relationship, in which I am his slavegirl. We practise DD and have learned that it helps us a lot. Apart from that, you'll find my opinions on everything, like sex, sessions, music, people, more on relationships, sorrows, hopes and whatever else I want to write about.
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Adult content warning!

Adult content warning!

This blog includes texts which are not suitable for minors. So, if you are under the age of 18 or if my entries might offend you, please leave immediately.

Now!

Shoo! Shoo!

Thursday, April 23, 2015

We are back
in our daily routine, which is something I am very happy about. I don’t know
why, but at the moment I am really bad at dealing with much more than that. Maybe
it is the time of the year, no idea, but I feel that it is currently pretty
easy to unbalance me. I can go from happy to sad in no time lately. I got so overwhelmed from watching my daughter sleep at night that I started crying out of happiness and afterwards sat down and wrote what I want to protect her from and what sort of happy things I'd wish her to experience. They are pretty impressive lists, so I should cherish this sort of emotional overload for the creativity it includes. :)

Well, and I
also learned just how easy it is to upset me when I read something on Facebook. It
was prejudiced, an expression of pure intolerance, and it really hurt. At other times
I would have been able to shrug it off, but at the moment it seems all comes close and hits me.

The moments
of intimacy and reconnection we have are wonderful and right now I feel hubby’s
love so much stronger, just like I miss him so much more when he is gone. I
need him a lot at the moment and I absorb all he is willing to give. Sounds
strange, I know, but actually I am glad that I see what’s going on at all. In
past times we have had it worse, when I did not notice these things. Maybe
things have changed to the better because whatever I do, I am on Tilda’s
schedule in the first place. I love this, as it automatically structures a lot
of our time, which is good for me.

Then there
was last Monday. My lovely mommy car broke down … ha, but the good news is it
wasn’t me. Tilda and I were somewhere not far away from nowhere and this was
one of the moments when I appreciated our mobile phone rule so much more. Hubby
gets mad when I leave the house without it and I am so glad that he insisted on
always taking it with me. At first I was really down, because it was something
car-related again and it had happened to me – again. So I called hubby in his
office and was relieved that he only wanted to hear that we were ok (‘Forget
the car for a moment, what abouty o
u!?’). It did take a while but then we were brought home safely. And it turned
out that there was something wrong with the motor, so it was nothing I had
dabbled with.

After the
trouble around me messing up hubby’s business was over I think we had a really
close connection. Apart from ongoing sleeping troubles there was nothing that could
somehow disturb peace and harmony. And still, somehow I found myself in a
strange place at times, focusing on nothing in some moments, daydreaming or
being absent-minded, then overthinking, overanalyzing. Whatever it is, for me
it was something that leads to distancing, and it can grow if you let it.

Hubby did
not notice that I had been somehow a little away, and I guess it was pretty
ghost-like, which makes it really difficult for me to even describe it.
Well, and usually I notice these things too late.

This time it went a little
different though. At the beginning of this week I had asked hubby for a
spanking that would be well below punishment, more like maintenance or stress
relief. I thought this could help me with the sleeping issues, because if
anything, I am relaxed and at peace after these. So, it happened, and we had a
wonderful time and sleeping was no problem at all that night. It took me
another two days to see just how much hubby spanking me had helped. It was
after hubby told me that I was so much more myself again that I realized that
he was right and that all this what could lead to distancing, was gone again.
It was not why I got spanked, but it had definitely helped me.

So, as the
weather is getting better, we are finally spending a lot of time outside again
which is wonderful. We got two new plum trees which I dug in a few weeks ago and I loved every moment of doing that.
The lawnmower is my favourite machine in the garden… and I am allowed to use it again, too!
Doing these things in the garden is so much fun, and at the moment it is all I
want because I know I can handle that. Sorry for the melancholic sound in the first part, but all in all I can say we are in a very good place!

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Maybe you
know this situation, all is well for ages between your loved one and you, kind
of close to perfection...

… and then
the real blunder hits you hard.

… maybe
more like this

This is
what the last week was like for me. It turned out that I have really messed up
on Thursday. Up to then, all was fine, better than fine. We had a wonderful
Easter weekend, family, friends, lots of little ones, it was fantastic, such a
fun time! Hubby and I had some real ‘us’ time too. He told me how much he loves
me, enjoys me, there was more, and hearing that from him is important for me. And
even though he was pretty busy, it was not like we were growing apart, instead
we were so close and well connected that this was definitely one of those weeks
you will always think back to and smile.

I thought I
was really well organized all in all too, throughout the week and was really
proud of that. I think we have adapted rather well to being parents, and things
were so good, spanking is back where we want it too, so, a few little things
can happen, I’d get discipline and we’d be happy again.

Well, that
was until Thursday, when hubby got a letter.

Weeks ago I
was meant to bring some letters to the post office, all business related. No
problem. Hubby asked twice whether I had brought the letters there. Yes sure I
had. … All but one. I found the missing one last night, only after searching
frantically for it, because on Thursday one of hubby’s clients had informed him
that he had decided for someone else after hubby had not written back … !

An April
day turned into a nightmare. I feel horrible for what has happened.

This is worse
than those silly pictures with the “You had one job” – comment written on it. And
it is not funny at all this time, because it cost money, and by far the worst
is that it damages hubby’s reputation. He was so disappointed and angry when he
found out that he would not even touch me, and definitely not punish me
(seriously, I wished he would have). If I had done something of the usual kind
which I used to be infamous for, like speeding, or even bumping into a fence or
the stupid lamp post, he would have shrugged it off. I’d have paid dearly with
a very sore bottom and been good for a very long time afterwards and he’d
forgive and I’d feel loved. But this one is so much worse. He loves what he
does, he works hard, has seen so much success and then I come and trample on
some of it. I cannot even express how bad I feel about this and how sorry I am.
And I still have no idea how I have been able to put this letter between other
papers. Hubby is willing to tolerate a lot and even more so because I do not do
any of this intentionally! He knows that and has been proud of me in the past
too, because clumsy and stupid or not, all in all we have reached such a good
place for us.

Later, on
Thursday night we could talk, like really talk. I mean he is not the one to be
loud, but he really needed time to get through this on his own before allowing
me near him again. You know what is so much worse than a severe punishment? No
punishment. I had asked through his office door if he would do that, but he
just told me to give him alone time. He was so disappointed. Maybe this is not
a real surprise, but I was a mess, sad and upset after being completely shut
out by hubby and becoming desperate by the minute. This was one of the worst
days of my life. I stuck to my baby, but once she was asleep, there was nothing
but trying to keep myself busy, somehow. We had dinner, he would not ignore me,
but he still did not really want to talk either and disappeared into his office
again. Hubby vexed, I devastated and knowing there was nobody to blame but me.

So I phoned
my Amy and she would have come immediately, but just having her to speak to was
wonderful. She knows everything about us and she always gets all information
first hand, but problems between lovers are to be solved between lovers, so she
knew this was no fun call if I called her right in the middle of the crisis. Of
course she was worried because I was so desperate, but we ended up by
discussing why I did not want her here tonight and why I should give hubby time.
This was actually much better than me only whining. Besides, the last I wanted
was to really complicate matters in any way after I had already caused damage. I
am blessed because I have two who would go to any length to help. Bad was that
one of the two was totally miffed and had every right to be.

The evening
went on, endlessly, I kept myself busy on the computer, always with one ear
listening for hubby. Listening for a verdict. When hubby finally came out of
his office I almost threw the laptop onto the floor, because I had imagined all
sorts of things that could happen, all silly, all only good enough to make me a
wreck, and I jumped up when I heard the door.

I stood in
the living room, waiting, he came over, took my hand and led me into the bedroom
without as much as a word. I hoped for a punishment then, just to get rid of
some of the guilt, but no. You know that this is serious when your husband
looks like it. I was crying ever since he had taken my hand, before he had even
said a word, I was way beyond thinking. Hubby took me and held me until I
calmed down. And he said ‘Sorry’?! I did not understand this and was more than
afraid of what would follow. I got really panicky then, but he wouldn’t let me
go, I was clamped tightly in his arms. He said sorry because he had made my day
so awful by shutting me out. Ok, dam’s broken, let it flow. I don’t know how
long until I was able to think again, I apologized several times, because I had
done something that bad to him. I did not want to cause such a trouble and I
love him endlessly, so disappointing him is so horrible in itself. I am crying
just from thinking back to seeing him this disappointed, it hurts so much
because I have hurt hubby out of all people.

It was long
after midnight, so he would not punish me this night. A severe punishment would
happen, because this was serious for him too, but after keeping me away from
him throughout the day he also knew that I had been sort of badly punished. He
had heard me sob and knew that I was shattered, and he knew that I had called
Amy, which he was glad about, because he was not able to talk then. We talked
for some time, then tried to sleep, and after I heard hubby sleeping, I got up
again, because I was still too shaken. Basically I had been absolved and all my
silly thoughts were just my scared self, but this was too horrible to sleep, so
I stayed up most of the night. I had sleeping troubles throughout the week, so
one night less did not make much of a difference and I had had it far worse
last year.

Friday
evening was the night of the nights. The day had been easy. We did not go to
our baby class, because my eyes were too puffy from crying and there was no way
short of magic to cover that up. Instead Tilda and I played and read and
played. Hubby came at lunch time and from his side all was sort of settled. He
showed his love, cared, did even make it clear that his reaction was too harsh,
which I kind of agree and disagree with at the same time. I have caused this
and his business is important to him and I see that I have hurt him.

The
punishment did happen, it was as severe as told and nevertheless, it was the
best because afterwards I had reached a sort of peace where hubby had already been
after apologizing the night before. Today is Sunday. A good day, hubby is
attentive, because he knows that everything around this letter has worn me down
more than many other things. I know he loves me, not because of him saying it,
but because of him showing it. I know he cares, he shows that too. I am so
deeply in love with him that I cannot cope with situations like the one we had
on Thursday. And now I am so afraid of another letter-situation happening
again.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

The rules for the Real Neat Blog Award are ...1) Put the award logo in your post 2) Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you 3) Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs4) Let them know you nominated them

DF asked :

1) If there was space left in your wardrobe, where would you love to go shopping?Hm, I love the 40s and more so the 50s, Pinup-style and Rockabilly style dresses. But my only real petticoat dress is long gone by now. So, I'd like to have some of that, and would go to Berlin to have one or two dresses custom made there, because I know a dressmaker there and she is awesome in sewing these styles. One online alternative are for example Lindybop dresses which I could order, but I am still not in shape for that and wait what other surprises this year might bring. ... Biscuits, anybody?

2) Which side of the road do you drive
on and have you ever driven on the "wrong" side (ie gone abroad and
driven). If you haven't, would you cope?Ooohhhh, scary moments come to mind! On the continent I am supposed to drive on the right. It has happened pretty often that I drove on the left side on the continent after visits to England (I have to re-adapt!!!). And in England it has happened too, I started on the right side, but there I was stopped by hubby and I am no longer allowed to be the driver there. Ever. Too dangerous he says! Instead, as a pedestrian I have repeatedly almost been run over right after arriving in England and later after being back in Hamburg, and that was always because I was so used to looking at the wrong side when I wanted to cross the road. So, right at the beginning and right after a visit at my in-law's, it is actually really dangerous for me to cross any street, or to use the car. 3) If ability was no hindrance, which language in the world (past or present) would you like to learn and why?It would be one of the Scandinavian languages (probably Norwegian or Swedish), because I love the area and if I were better at one of them, I could understand much more of the others. But I wouldn't mind to brush up my French either, because I love the sound of it so much.

4) If you could go to any art gallery or
museum in the world, which paintings would you pick to put up in your
house? No more than three, don't be greedy!

Monet's Garden at Vetheuil (not in a museum, part of a private collection, so doesn't count)

William Turner, Rain Steam and Speed, The Great Western Railway, National Gallery, London

Edgar Degas, La Toilette, Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg

Johannes Vermeer, Girl with a Pearl Earring, Mauritshuis, The Hague

The list of awesome paintings could go on forever!

5) If you were told to go door to door
to sell kink/TTWD to a vanilla stranger, what would be the one thing you
think is the most important to convey. That everything about kink and TTWD is about communication and consent. And from that the rest will follow. The way we communicate goes so far beyond anything I have known before hubby, and it is an important part of what keeps us so close together. 6) Sex in a shower, hot tub or outdoor pool - any preferences?Shower! I mean, if the pool was an ocean with a sandy beach, summertime, I'd choose that, because doing things there is awesome, but otherwise the shower for sure. Some of the hottest moments we had were there.

7) What is the most romantic thing your partner has ever done for you?This is only difficult because there are several things to choose from (sunset moments, date times, holding hands, ...). Maybe this sounds really silly, but when he does things for me, when I can see clearly that this is just for me, it is all it takes. So, actually last year during pregnancy was the most romantic time of my life, because I had so needy times which he anticipated and he really did things for me so that I also felt his care in physical ways, it is more than just being attentive. Haha, the endless sex that I needed in 2014 is an example. But there is one moment that sticks out, it was that a few moments after Tilda was born he said that he was proud of me and that he loved me. He was so serious about it and this was so heartwarming that it makes me cry every time I think about it. Like now. :)

My questions are :

1. What non-physical attribute do you enjoy most in a partner?

2. How do you feel when others start flirting with your partner?

3. What's your special talent?

4. What makes you feel most alive?

5. Is there anything about yourself you would change?

6. What is your biggest fantasy?

7. Kink - o - metre question: on a scale of 1 (vanilla) to 10 (kinkiest kinkster ever) where do you see yourself?

I nominate : JennelleCali Momsub hub in Phoenixand you, I think all on my list have been nominated and if I did not see that you were not, it is my mistake and you should feel nominated by me. I did not mean to forget you!