The spilling of a Clowns heart, using real feelings, regrets, memories and lyrics from amazing songs that seem they were written for me and others...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

"Happy" to a "Mess".

I messed up. I knew I messed up, but I never knew until these last couple days how messy it really all was. I became a juggler of not only my own, but other's personal emotions. I had never done that before, this bad to this degree. I have acted like a clown for quite some time, but I will officially label my self a bad, sad one now. Sad for the words that can not be taken back, sad knowing these words are making another even more sad than me, and sad, especially because the gig I was supposed to be a star in and entertain, had to cancel and re-locate. For nothing other than my behavior and words. I couldn't fathom how, at the time, these actions were effecting my # 1 fan. Not only my number one, but the only one I cared, still care to maintain. These horrible thoughts I can't help thinking will haunt me for the rest of my days. Knowing that, I feel terrible, (literally worse than ever) imaging these snippets of sadness I have forced another to feel. I am a smart clown, at least now. I FINALLY learned from this, after so many chances at a decent lesson without the hopeless, homeless and lonely outcome. This number one fan, has done nothing to deserve the things she had to hear. Nor anyone at that matter. Therefor, that act will never be rehearsed again. The clown has faded into the shadows, but has not gone completely dark, and is damb confident it will be sunshine in his forecast in the future above.... I thank this # 1. Thank you, for the amazing life you shared. Thank you for the amazing memory's, Thank you for being there for as long as you did, not giving up for as long as you did. I wished to call you the woman I call home, but I understand that its not in my part of town.