The yoga teacher training program I lead challenges participants to go through a cleanse about 10 weeks in. This cleanse is based on the Quantum Wellness Cleanse by Kathy Freston and asks you to absolve from alcohol, sugar, caffeine, gluten and animal products for 21 days. The intention is to build awareness of how these products can own you, affect your well being and impact your everyday choices.

But, for what? None of these efforts kept me feeling better for a sustained period of time. None of these styles led to weight loss.

In fact, I was grouchier, more tired, vitamin and mineral deficient and a royal PITA during most, if not all, of these episodes. I had cravings and lived in a state of denial – always refusing foods that I truly wanted but believing that if I just did “better” my energy levels would soar and my body would thrive.

So, a week into this cleanse and I said – nope. Granted, I didn’t put forth my best effort. I am still caffeinated. I dove into sugar day 3. I had a glass of wine on day 6 and even a bite of gluteneous cookie (a double whammy) one morning. I stuck to no animal products for a week until yesterday I had the ultimate burger emergency, after which I felt far better than I had all week. I’ve also had a margarita, ice cream and black and white cookies – and no regrets. I don’t feel like a failure…I feel free.

The purpose of a cleanse is to refresh, and even reset, taste buds so you enjoy healthier choices and improve health. Upon starting the cleanse, I immediately felt grouchy again, was eating too much – because I’m never happy with my choices – and simply irritated with life. I love the idea of veganism, as I adore what it does for the environment and our dear animal friends, but somehow it’s not for me or my digestive health. I’m also not sure it’s all it’s cracked up to be for the earth.

For so long I thought if only I made my diet pristine – just ate a little better and then better and then better still – I’d find the pinnacle of health. Cleanses are good at sales. Their allegations that you’re full of nasty toxins and poisons, that your gut is tainted and your pH is off are super convincing. But, really these claims come from no basis in science. Yes, people who eat a junk-y diet consisting only of fast food and processed snacks usually feel better eating more whole food, but there’s a point at which eating clean has diminishing returns. If you’re so stressed and focused on putting just the “right” thing in your body – you may go mad from denial and self-judgment.

Prior to this cleanse, for the past 3 months, I’d completely let go of all my eating regulations. Yup. Nachos? Yes, please. Cake – a whole one for dinner? Ice cream, most nights. A margarita? Absolutely. Burgers oozing with cheese and guacamole? What time?

That’s not to say I don’t eat my vegetables, whole grains and lean animal proteins, but I’m not a zealot.

It’s not a tape worm. In fact, I am eating less – but not purposely. I’m satisfied with less, because I’m eating what I want. I’m not eating a bunch of food that may be healthy, but is frankly lacking in what my body truly wants.

I also think I’m just not worried about it. Studies have shown that limiting your calorie intake can increase your release of cortisol, a stress hormone that encourages you to hold onto extra weight in case of an emergency. I don’t think it’s a stretch to think that limiting your food intake to only foods that you deem “good” can be equally stressful. Sure, I’d feel superior at times to those people eating the chocolate cake or burger – but deep down inside…I just wanted a bite.

So after a lunch of a turkey, avocado and tomato sandwich on sprouted grain bread and two black and white cookies, I’m ready to tackle Halloween. There may be candy involved.

Gosh, I’m terribly inconsistent on posts. I promise to get better as I have a wealth to share including a new cleanse (I’m not looking forward to this), thoughts on diet and training details. But, before I get to all that – here’s a race report from last Saturday’s little race.

In 2012 I ran the St. George marathon on severe Achilles tendinitis. I went in having not run for 3 weeks, but pounding out hours on an elliptical. Combine that with not really looking at the course map (except knowing it was a net downhill) and I didn’t have the best race.

But, I praised the organization and beauty of the race and wanted to do it again – right. I knew it was downhill but had a few sneaky hills. I felt OK – not perfect – going in on Saturday, but good enough to have a good race. And, I did. It wasn’t quite what I expected however.

No matter how well, or not well, I’ve trained, I always hope for the Boston qualifying time. It was within reach in this race, but it’d be a stretch.

At 9 miles in, I was on pace, and even at the half marathon – it was a possibility. I felt good at the outset – taking advantage of the downhill, but not going too fast. I started to slow around mile 16, was revived briefly with a bottle of coke handed out by a bystander (why don’t they offer cold coke at aid stations on a marathon???) but by time I reached the top of the small, but notable, hill on 18-19, I knew I was off pace for qualifying in 3:52 (my qualifying time is 3:55, but you need to be about 2-3 minutes faster than your qualifying time to “win” a slot). I still had a shot at a decent time (for me) and plodded along – feeling still relatively good. Of course a marathon hurts, but I knew it was, literally, all downhill from here.

At mile 23, however, I saw out of the corner of my eye, my friend with whom I’d traveled to the race. She’s a faster runner than I and had a faster Boston qualifying time. In fact, she was in no way going to make it given when I found her, so I assumed her walking was a sign of her defeat. I came up beside her and immediately realized she was gasping for air. She was in distress. She carries an inhaler, so I assumed it was asthma – but I couldn’t completely understand her, she wasn’t terribly coherent. I could get that she couldn’t see out of her left eye, but thought she could make it to the next aid station (probably 3/4 mile away or so).

I walked with her, talking to her the whole time, holding onto her back and shoulders – there was no way I was going to leave her, and was ready to call 911 if needed. Bystanders cheered “you got this ladies” “you’re almost there” – I really wanted them to go away – we weren’t at the cheer-able stage. At mile 24, she was dumped in a chair at medical and given O2 and albuterol. Her blood pressure was extremely low. She was definitely not well, so we waited for paramedics who were called, and when they (finally) arrived, they decided to take her to the finish line for an IV (she didn’t want to go to the ER).

By time they’d get her there, I figured I could run and at least finish the race, regardless of my time. I’d bowed out of a marathon in 2015 and took the sag wagon due to hip and back pain – I didn’t want to start a precedent and not finish another race, even for a good reason, if I didn’t have to.

Running after standing around for 30 minutes or so was no joke. My legs hurt, but flushed out a bit after about 1/3 of a mile. I reveled in passing lots of folks in those last few miles – heck, I’d had a rest! I was so excited that I even managed to catch a pacer…the 4:30 pacer, but it was a pacer nonetheless.

So, my time of 4:32 would normally make me sad and feeling defeated. But, I’m proud of it. You never know what a race will bring, and that’s part of the adventure. I wouldn’t change anything (well, except to make my friend be well – we returned to Colorado and turns out she has a case or pericarditis, or for an easy explanation: a virus of the heart – nothing that will cause long term damage).

Onwards. Now to do the Dopey in January at Disney World. Four days of racing with a marathon at the end — sounds like fun to me! I love a spectacle – and the family will have fun too. I have no hopes at a great time, just to have fun. Well, maybe a little piece of me hopes for a great time….

Training will be a little different – more volume and consecutive days than anything else. Looking forward to it.

I am an early riser and I’d much rather exercise early rather than late. Even in college, I’d get up early to exercise (back then, that meant 7:30 or 8:00 am) and I wasn’t on a sports team that required it.

Not long ago, I was an exceptionally early riser – fitting in an hour run at 4am before teaching a 5:15 cycle class. There’d be mornings I’d swim at 4 am, get on the trainer before the sun rose…Who was that person? And, more importantly….was she sane?

It’s not like I regularly set an alarm – my body just cranked awake and I indulged it. I would be crabby during the day, and I had an overwhelming feeling of fatigue – but also a compulsion to keep going. Sometimes, I’d force myself up – but most days, I just ignored fatigue because the urge to get things done was so great.

Something has shifted, and for the healthier. Perhaps it was because of my accident. Physiologically, I just need the sleep – or perhaps the accident broke the cycle. Or maybe, just maybe, I realize that I’d rather feel good than check a “to-do” off my list first thing in the morning.

I still get up at 4:30 or 5:30 most days, but those 3 or 3:30 am internal alarms have quelled. I actually want to sleep and have that feeling some mornings that I don’t want to get out of bed.

That’s a feeling normal people have, right? I’m so excited to have it!

We often admire early risers as having serious discipline. In reality, it’s often a symptom of overtraining. Mind you, my body was tired – I had no problem falling asleep. Sleeping well and staying asleep past the wee hours of the morning was another matter.

Sleep is the essential time when your body rests – no kidding – but also repairs. You need to repair from workouts and stress, self-imposed and from life, no matter who you are. An overtrained body often has trouble slowing down and relaxing. This means I was never fully recovering, which does future workouts no favors. It can also lead to irritability, sluggishness during workouts, agitation and persistent muscle soreness.

Poor sleep is also stressful on your body and can cause you to hold onto weight. It becomes an ugly cycle – you want to lose weight so you skimp on sleep to work out…but your body then just holds on tighter to the pounds and releases more hunger hormones.

So, the alarm is set for the last open-water swim of the season tomorrow morning. 4:15. I am not happy about it, but will survive. A couple times per week, I can handle.

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