twenty-nine and feeling fine, when i drink wine

Do Nots #1

Do not get hung up on the fact that your ex-coworker, who was dating a beautiful blonde girl several months ago, shows up to this friends birthday dinner with now a beautiful blonde boy. Do not think to yourself “Well fine go ahead and take ALL the attractive golden haired people then” as you hug the coworker because she will certainly feel the envy radiating off your body. Try also, to not grimace when the blonde boy speaks up a half hour later and reveals that he and your ex co-worker are already talking about babies.

Don’t be alarmed and look for exits when everybody gets real excited about that blonde beauty’s wanting to have babies throwout by the way. The girl sitting next to your ex-coworker is already pregnant and the girl on the other side of her is hoping to be, and this is basically the equivalent of a pizza place opening up next to a college student apartment complex, it’s basically mass hysteria and chaos. Maybe just know where the exits are.

Do not by any means feel comfortable enough to share with a smaller section of the table down at the end, about your ridiculous and surprisingly emotional reaction to Benedict Cumberbatch’s engagement. Everyone at the other end of the table will conclude talking about all the activities they did over the weekend with their real life partners, just in time to hear that upon receiving the news you slammed shut every door in the house, said “fuck him” audibly, and then actually cried in the car on the way to work. They will not understand how a celebrity’s love life could effect your morning so catastrophically and neither will you.

Do not be thrown by the fact that your recently out Ex told you in the car on the way to this dinner, that he has two Match dates lined up this week with two very good looking men. Don’t ask to see pictures of them before you get to the restaurant because the pictures will affirm that yes these men are hot and that information will only serve to irritate you.

Do not order a beer at dinner when the rest of the table orders water. Do not ask for a second beer before dinner arrives. You will quickly set yourself up as the only single person there and the only single person there who doesn’t have upcoming coffee dates with beautiful men. Scratch what I said, order four beers.

Do not outwardly judge your married friends when they want to buy ANOTHER dog. As if your Instagram feed isn’t plagued with enough pictures of their current dog. Embrace the buying of a second dog because it will stave off the probability of them trying to conceive a child, which would make dinners in which friends can meet up and drink beers at least twice a year, a once every two years affair.

Offer maybe even to watch their dog(s) also, when they are out of town. There is a 90% chance they will ask you anyway due to your penchant to spend nights alone with a bottle of wine, as well as there is a 90% chance they will become hyper focused on showing you exactly what proportions of not-too-cold but not-too-hot water their animal(s) need and will then forget to hide their good liquor in a locked cabinet.

Do not, I repeat, Do NOT be upset when you are not asked questions about how your life is going. This is the highest award you could ever receive, the greatest blessing that could ever be bestowed upon someone single in a group setting, surrounded by couples.

Lastly, do not leave this dinner as quickly as possible with the excuse that you have to wake up before 6am the next day and then really just go home to have three more beers and watch Sleeping Beauty.

I mean who is going to believe you’re waking up before 6? Just say you work early.