Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Today ... or rather yesterday

The path I travel
(on a good day)

I don't usually write about events as they happen as this blog is not intended to give you a day-by-day, blow-by-blow account of my life. To be brutally honest, I don't even know for sure what the intent of this blog is. My deranged mind has not filled me in on that one - yet. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. Either way, I'm content to let this blog ebb and flow where my mind takes it.

Another day,
another piece of my path

Today, my (deranged) mind is taking this blog to the current, the now. Or rather, the yesterday.

As you've probably figured out by now, I cope daily with the latent affects of severe stress; my state of both mind and body constantly in a fluid state - like a river. Sometimes placid, sometimes raging like rapids in a gorge. Either way, I'm learning to live within the scope of who I am right now. At this present moment. Whether the affects are dormant or active. Severe or mild.

The path continues on -
what lies around the bend?

Part of the ebb and flow of my today is monitoring the affects. Being constantly vigilant as to what signals my body is giving me. Am I tired? As in more than usually tired? How about my mobility? Is just the act of walking like trudging through a deep snowfall, without snowshoes, with each footfall plunging down and then having to be forced upward only to repeat again and again leaving me devoid of energy? Do I feel weak? What about my balance? Is it off? My eyesight? How does my body feel? My skin? At its worst, my skin feels like an inside-out pincushion. At its best, my skin feel likes normal skin. At its worst, I itch over almost every inch of my body, inside and out, from my scalp, the inside of my eyes, my eyeballs, even my fingers and toes. No part of my body is immune from this onslaught.

The first sign of a downward trend, or relapse, is fatigue. Next in line comes weakness which at times has been so severe that I've been physically unable to sit up in a chair, read or even sleep. After the weakness comes balance issues. At times so severe that I've had to grab hold of something stationary in order to stay upright.

Papa Bear
always present
always travelling with me on my path

The physical affects come marching boldly through the front door. Actually storming in the front door like marines in fatigues, helmuts on, guns at ready, ready to knock down anything and everything in their path.

The emotional/mental symptoms sneak in the back door like infections and complications during an illness while the physical has me firmly in their grip: depression, apathy, listlessness, lack of focus and concentration, diminished cognitive skills.

Recently, the storm troopers have come, invaded my body, left me injured and down for the count. The infections taking control of my mind. Leaving me defenseless. Barely able to cope with the normal routines of life on a day-by-day basis.

And so we come to yesterday. A day that felt like a formidable challenge to me yesterday. One I had no desire to attempt. To cope with. All I wanted was to lie in bed. Not moving. Stay in my safe place: my home.

Since the traumatic encounter I related in my blog about the two encounters, the horror I experienced in the stressful situation in 2011 has been back in my face, up close and personal, haunting my every thought, my every waking moment. Questions that will never be answered haunt me in my waking hours. The fear of reprisal. The injustice. The voicelessness. The powerlessness. Resulting in depression, apathy, listlessness dogging my every footstep.

This is my current. This is my new normal. And has been for about a year now.

Yesterday, a friend came over, as is her custom every other Tuesday, for a Bible study. Our concept of a Bible study is very fluid. Yesterday, I asked if we could just have a prayer time as I felt so weak, so needy, so unable to cope, to listen, to comprehend, to understand. After the initial chit chat and sipping tea phase, she began to pray. Not a storm heaven, push back the gates of hell kind of prayer. But rather, a gentle washing, cleansing prayer that felt like a gentle rain refreshing my dead soul little by little. The prayers washed gently over me as she prayed not just for me, but rather her prayers watered the ground of every member in our combined family. I began to relax. I felt sleepy. Not the draining, clogging fatigue I've been experiencing, rather a relaxed tired. The mind was finally at peace. It was time to let the body rest and catch up.