With Star Wars, liberal Hollywood got it all wrong. They get everything wrong, of course, but this movie franchise really takes the biscuit. They turned the heroes into villains, and the villains into shining beacons of virtue. With a new film on the horizon, I feel duty-bound to warn you about the desperate shortcomings of this particular entertainment phenomenon.

If we’re honest with ourselves, the real wretched hive of scum and villainy is Skywalker Ranch, where George Lucas and his band of morally dissolute bastards created the Star Wars universe, a blight on western civilisation and culture.

Star Wars combines elements from pulp adventure stories, horse operas, adds a dash of Eastern culture, and tosses it all into outer space. Amazingly, Lucas took the worst elements of all those amazing sources. If Lucas were a cook and presented Star Wars to Gordon Ramsay, he would have earned a comment like this: “OH COME ON, IT’S RAW! WHERE’S THE SAUCE? COME HERE, ALL OF YOU. TASTE THIS!” And then he would have been thrown out of the kitchen.

There’s so much wrong with Star Wars that it deserves a book-length treatise to cover properly. After all, the famous Red Letter Media takedown of The Phantom Menace is longer than the film itself. For that reason I will focus on three of the worst mischaracterisations: the Rebel Alliance as good guys, the tragically misunderstood Jabba the Hutt, and Palpatine’s supposedly evil Empire.

This is going to upset some diehard fans, but who do you trust more? Milo, who always tells you the truth while being witty, charming, handsome and having great hair, or the filmmakers who tried to tell you that Jar Jar Binks is a hero?

THE REBEL ALLIANCE

The Alliance is a ragtag band of fighters from many different cultures bonded together by a hatred of the Empire, fighting an asymmetric war resulting in massive collateral damage and loss of civilian life. They take their lead from mystics hiding in caves and swamps, and want to return the galaxy to a primitive religion that hasn’t changed for 600 years. That’s right nerds: the Rebel Alliance is ISIS.

The Jedi are a typical wishy-washy Mother Gaia-style progressive cult. Their most obvious failing is not using the real Force powers. Force lightning is actually quite humane; it’s like hitting a bad guy with a taser instead of cutting him in half with a lightsabre.

Same thing with force choke: do we really need to shoot a criminal resisting the will of the Emperor? Why not subdue him with a choke–or the term we use in the Sith community, enhanced persuasion techniques? Besides, in the far-flung future of Star Wars, SJWs have ensured force-sensitive individuals get affirmative consent every 10 seconds while using their powers so there’s really no big deal.

Screen Shot 2015-12-11 at 14.26.56The Jedi are sick bastards. They use the Force to cloud the minds of others. The movies show this being done to stormtroopers, but you just know Luke uses it on dates at the cantina. He probably uses it to get anal. I bet every Jedi has a BDSM dungeon that they use to force-torture unwilling victims. Any time they are told to stop they just wave their hand and say “That isn’t the safe word you are looking for.” Evil and rapey.

You can’t possibly justify zapping someone with lightning as evil at the same time you say controlling their mind is perfectly fine. It should have raised suspicions when Jian Ghomeshi and Bill Cosby dressed up like Jedi masters every year for Halloween following the film’s release. Rape culture is nothing in comparison to toxic hetero-Force culture.

Another crazy thing? The Jedis say control of the Force comes from “midichlorians” in the blood. Hmm. So now it’s a case of bloodline purity. Jesus, these death-eaters should just put on their SS uniforms and be done with it.

As a reminder, the “good guys” behind the Rebel Alliance abduct children from their families and raise them in a cult indoctrination centre to turn them into fanatical soldier priests called Jedi Knights–or, in the words of the mainstream media, “innocent Syrian refugees.”

So the Jedi and their puppet Rebel Alliance of useful idiots beat the Empire. Their primary victories over the Empire are destroying two Imperial defence space stations. You probably know them as “Death Stars,” but that’s just a terrorist’s propaganda term. Congratulations on supporting the killing of hundreds of thousands of freedom and peace-loving military personnel and civilian engineering contractors.