In the latest episode of our political sitcom, the PM is preparing a
dressing-down for his MPs

“WHAT DO YOU think of this, dear?” asked Dave, before clearing his throat theatrically.

“A climate was allowed to grow of fear and intimidation. In which callous brutality replaced compassion, and people at all levels abandoned basic standards of kindness and fellow feeling in the face of overwhelming pressure. It would be tempting to name names, but that would merely create scapegoats. What needs to change is not individual behaviour, but the entire culture.”

“Very moving, darling,” said Sam. “Is it your verdict on Mid Staffs?”

“Not exactly,” said Dave. “It’s what I’m going to say to the 1922 Committee about the mood in the party recently.”

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“Are you kidding?” asked Dave, indignantly. “You should have been there for the gay marriage debate.”

“But you weren’t, dear. You were here, asking Joe Biden how often Barack mentions your name, and whether he’s bought those albums you recommended.”

“Yes, yes,” said Dave. “But I heard stories – and got emails, and text messages, most of them unprintable. I mean, it’s come to something when I get more respect – more constructive discussion – at an EU budget summit than when I’m talking to my own backbenchers.”

“Still,” said Sam, “at least you’re apologising for being so beastly to them. That’s a start, isn’t it?”

“What?” said Dave. “Me? No, no, no. It’s they who should be apologising to me. I’m the one who’ll win them the ruddy election, after all.”

“Given that you did such a good job of it last time…” Sam murmured.

“What was that?” asked Dave, sharply.

“Nothing, dear.”

“I should think so, too. But I agree with you, we need something more, something to heal the wounds and get the party united.”

“A nice big fight with the Lib Dems?”

“Exactly!” said Dave. “I’ve decided to remind our MPs that there are people they hate even more than me.”

“Is that why you blamed Nick for sabotaging Michael’s reforms?”

“Got it in one, my girl. I take the one great success story of this Government –” Dave paused, then corrected himself. “I mean, I take the most obvious success story of this Government and make it seem like Nick is determined to do it down. Suddenly, the boys are after him quicker than Eric after a pasty.”

“But what if they find out it was you?” asked Sam.

“That’s where I’ve been most cunning. Turns out Nick’s happy to take the fall, because it lets him stir up his troops for the Eastleigh by-election – shows him thwarting the wicked Tories. Michael wasn’t that impressed, but I told him he could make another big speech about Gramsci, and do most of the reforms under the table anyway, so he’s happy enough.”

“Sounds like you’ve got it all worked out,” said Sam.

“I have, haven’t I?” said Dave. “Now, if only I could get anyone else to believe that…”