War on drugs finally over as victorious campaigners see Fabric closed down

The long war against drugs is finally over after Fabric nightclub in London was closed, removing the final safe haven for people who want to take illegal drugs.

The club will close permanently after its licence was revoked, a decision taken by Islington Council in north London, which described a “culture of drugs” at the venue.

Anti-drugs campaigners have welcomed an end to the war on drugs, insisting victory was always a forgone conclusion anyway.

Government spokesperson Simon Williams told us, “It has taken many years, and many millions of pounds, but finally victory is ours. We knew this day would come, and we can sit back with satisfaction knowing that we have saved the nation’s children from drugs.

“Not all drugs, obviously, because some of them are pretty good little money spinners – I don’t mean those drugs.

“Yes, yes I know alcohol kills far more people than anything illegal taken at Fabric, but that’s not the point. We can’t tax the stuff people were taking at Fabric.

“Yes, I know smoking kills far more people than anything illegal taken at Fabric, but any government that makes smoking illegal will be unelectable for a generation – and we all know being in power is more important than the public good.

“The drugs we don’t like and can’t tax, those are the drugs we’ve definitely beaten.”