Louis C.K. thinks ‘Gravity’ sucks

On Tuesday’s “The Opie & Anthony Show,” Louis CK stopped by to promote his old movie and take a few jabs at Alfonso Cuaron’s Oscar-nominated “Gravity.” It’s pretty goddamn funny. Here, I transcribed CK’s review for you:

3D IMAX high is the best way to see a movie like “Gravity.” I didn’t like the performances and I didn’t know why these are the people who are being called ‘the astronauts.’ It’s two people, and you could have gotten anybody. I mean, [George Clooney and Sandra Bullock] made great contributions to the theater of the screen, but why fill their faces with chemicals to make sure they look like astronauts? And, also, the idea that she’s, like, a reluctant astronaut? Like, ‘Ugh, the other thing didn’t work out so I’m an astronaut, and I hate space. Oh I’m so stressed out when I’m in space.’ … The greatest people alive do this. Get the fuck out of here … If you’re obsessed with being an astronaut and you’re the best at everything you do, you’re still not going to go to space, and yet [she’s] fuckin’ like, ‘Ugh, and I get vertigo.’ No you don’t. Fuck you.

I was getting also irritated with the lack of truth with the physics. They had an opportunity to teach people physics, and it’s a bunch of shit … The entire crux of the drama of the movie was a giant fuck you to physics–the idea that she’s holding him and there’s some force pulling him more and more like an increasing force from, what? There’s nothing … When she’s spinning and going ‘Ugh, oh, oh god oh god oh god,’ close your fucking eyes. Close them. You’re not feeling yourself spin. Close your eyes.

And guess what? If you have, like, a background that’s edgy? Like, your son died? We’re not putting you in space. Billions of dollars, that shit costs up there … If you ever listen to black box recordings to fall asleep at night–they have some on YouTube and stuff–the pilots, even in the worst conditions, are steel [nerves] until the very last second. That’s what all pilots are like, and people in space are the .000000001 percent of those people. That guy, Sully, who landed the plane on the Hudson? He would have never made it space. ‘We’re gonna try the river.’ No.

In case my transcription didn’t do it for you, fuck you the video embed is below. Queue it up to the 16-minute mark.