Sorry to hear this. Is it his apt/house? Who is on the lease/deed? Do you both contribute or do you pay him rent? Why not get a side job that gets you out of the house? Also join some clubs and groups, especially support groups. Volunteer.

With a side job you can save to move out and/or hire a cleaning service. Let him do his own cleaning, laundry etc. Don't do it and then have a melt down. Stop acting like the maid. Also consider getting out of go nowhere unbalanced situation. This is not about clothes on the floor and at some level you know this.

Originally Posted by Pinkerton

he was like a tornado of mess and disrespect.
I brought it up to him this morning before he headed into work, and he was just like "Oh, Sorry." And didn't care. I work from home so I am at the house all day
just doesn't seem fair that I have to take extra time out of my work to do his extras. It's not easy to just leave. I'd have to move back in with my parents and put most of my things in storage

I think wiseman made some wise points. I know in the past, I have been like you, my partner left town and low and behold, I was happier! That is a very telling experience.

Why are you in this relationship?

That question will help direct what you want. In the past, for me, I liked the good stuff, hoped the bad stuff would get better and frankly, i didnt want to be alone.

Over time, in my situation, the bad things got worse, the good times were less frequent, and I started realizing he was never going to change, so holding on was limiting my potential to meet someone else.

Moving out is pricey and will be hard, but you must own your own life. If that means biding your time to save or make arrangements, that's what you have to do....

in the mean time I'd stop cleaning up after him as another said, kick his stuff to the side. Force the conversation in that way.

And i just have to add, what are you doing with a guy that urinates on the floor? Is this a grown, healthy man? what the actual what?!?!? And you're cleaning it up? What won't you accept in this relationship?

I think you need to do some soul searching and accept some responsibility here.... 1. for how you got here and 2. how you're going to get yourself out.

he sounds like a real prize... not. wake up, gf! you can do better 1000%

When something has not changed in over 1,000 days, after many discussions, the place to find comfort, peace, and clarity is in accepting that it's not going to change. If your past threads are any indicator, he has been very consistent on this front, showing you who he is, how he handles both matters of cleanliness and talks about such matters. So that is all known, no point in making it a mystery, though I can understand the impulse. Easier, of course, to ask the question of "why can't he do the same?" than "why am I still in this kind of dynamic"?

In terms of a solution? Well, if you're still invested in staying in this relationship, why not just hire a weekly/bi-monthly/monthly cleaner? Seems like a no-brainer.

I admit I will always shirk at phrases like "it's not easy to just leave." Who said such choices, or life in general, were supposed to be easy? So putting it that way, to me, speaks of wanting the comfort of feeling "trapped" or "disrespected," in enjoying that identity, even if subconsciously. Might be something to explore in yourself, to tap into your own power so the behavior and choices of other people aren't so overwhelming.

After all, if anywhere in his mind he believes you're too scared to leave him, regardless of how he behaves, why on earth would he have any incentive to take your frustrations seriously?

It's so hard to let go. I am in such denial about it honestly. And I'm scared to leave. I guess part of me wonders, maybe this IS the best I deserve?

I did end up going back to therapy. She thought I shouldve dumped him too. I guess I don't want to leave. I keep having hope that it will get better. Sometimes they do. It's not horrible, but this has been a consistent "F-U" towards me in this relationship. For, well, years.

It's so hard to let go. I am in such denial about it honestly. And I'm scared to leave. I guess part of me wonders, maybe this IS the best I deserve?

I did end up going back to therapy. She thought I shouldve dumped him too. I guess I don't want to leave. I keep having hope that it will get better. Sometimes they do. It's not horrible, but this has been a consistent "F-U" towards me in this relationship. For, well, years.

Then you have no right to complain, if YOU are choosing to stay. Either you accept him for who he is, or go.

What are you afraid of? Is it because you will have to get a job?

He has shown you for five years that he won't get better. Get out of the land of denial. He does not care and you enable him.

I see that he is also physically and emotionally abusive. Have you gotten any help for this? What do you get to o this relationship? Your mother offered you a place to go.

You have been advised by your therapist and the people on this site (multiple times) to leave this guy. I don't understand why you continue to ask if you do not want to leave him- you went back after the first break up, and it is no better.

You know, working through those issues on this forum actually helped a lot in that realm. I called him on it. I even recorded him when he was misbehaving. The abusive behavior stopped. The arguments we have are more reasonable but still extremely painful and long sometimes. Perhaps there lies one of our problems... we dread having a personal conversation with each other in fear it will turn into a drawn out fight and we will go to any length necessary to avoid it. So it leads to this deep deep resentment.

Like right now for example. He has no idea I'm even upset right now...

You know, working through those issues on this forum actually helped a lot in that realm. I called him on it. I even recorded him when he was misbehaving. The abusive behavior stopped. The arguments we have are more reasonable but still extremely painful and long sometimes. Perhaps there lies one of our problems... we dread having a personal conversation with each other in fear it will turn into a drawn out fight and we will go to any length necessary to avoid it. So it leads to this deep deep resentment.

Like right now for example. He has no idea I'm even upset right now...

You went back to him, so it did not help. We all told you to get out.

What do you get out of this? He is abusive and does not respect you. This will never change. Why do you stay?