Letters from a Los Angeles Jail: The Wisdom of Paris Hilton

They say when you reach a crossroad or turning point in life it doesn’t really matter how we got there, but what we do next after we get there. We usually arrive there by adversity. And it is then, only then, that we find out who we truly are and what we are truly made of. It’s a process, a gift and a journey.
—Eldridge Cleaver, Soul on Ice something Paris Hilton says she wrote in jail

So America’s burning questions have finally been answered, as Paris Hilton–reborn charitable woman that she is–gave Larry King free of charge the interview that there was a bidding war for just a week ago.

The expected bits of spin fluttered out of her mouth like expensive trained doves–“It gave me a time out in life to figure out what was important”–but perhaps the strangest minutes of the interview were the first few, in which it appeared as though Larry King had never heard of this peculiar place called jail. What was in the cell? What food do they serve? “Did you wear special clothes?”

Otherwise, whatever costly media training deep soul-searching Paris has undergone mostly left her a cautious, and pretty dull, speaker. I’m not exactly sure, in fact, what the point was in her doing the lengthy interview and doing a rehabilitation tour. Paris is a rich celeb who amuses some people, disgusts others and apparently inspires a few–she says she got fan mail from soldiers in Iraq–why not just embrace that, instead of dulling herself down with all this “Britney Spears is a sweet girl” talk? What, is she going to run for office? Still, there were a few highlights:

* The serious illness Paris was originally released from jail for? Claustrophobia. Read: Her disease was not wanting to be in jail. (On the other hand, cut her some slack. She’d probably never been in an 8 x 12 room in her life.)

* Paris feels she got a raw deal. But she takes full responsibility for her actions. But she only had one drink. But really, she takes full responsibility. But people who get arrested for drinking and driving never spend that much time in jail. But she’s not complaining.

* Paris Hilton has never taken drugs.

* Paris has found God. She is so really, really, super-into God that she bought a Bible from the prison commissary and read it constantly. And her favorite Bible passage is… is… she’s going to need to get back to you on that. Preach it, Sister Paris.