Excitements, Hilarities & Frivolities For the Young & Formerly Young

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COWGIRL ROBOT UNICORN, PART THREE: A UNICORN!

Deep in the Valley of Cookie Mountain, under the Gummy Worm trees, there lived the Unicorns. All day long they romped through the meadows, eating coconut grass and singing songs about friendship and sharing and the warmth of a really good hug. At night, when the peppermint moon hung smiling in the sky, they would raise their horns, which were translucent, and when the moonlight whispered through them, a rainbow of colors would appear in the sky. The unicorns would dance and sing and twirl the colors in the sky joyously, giggling all the while.

All except Trish. Trish lived in a mushroom hut on the edge of Unicorn Valley. She enjoyed eating the coconut grass in the meadow, and she enjoyed singing, but her songs were much more melancholy and mid-tempo. Oh, sure, every now and then she’d join in on the chorus of “Friendship is Like a Clear Day, You Look Forward to It,” but she preferred, “My Love Lies Yonder Past the Neverending Sea.” The other Unicorns couldn’t bear the sadness of the song, and refused to admit there was a certain beauty to it.

Trish was also different from the other unicorns in that her horn produced a deep forest green, whereas all the other unicorns had horns with bright, neon colors. As a result, when she decided to join the nightly festivities, her light was barely noticeable. So, she spent most of her nights in her hut, reading comic books with titles like “Vault of The Vampire’s Creature,” and “Mutant Potato Tweens.” She was happy in her solitude, and felt that the unspoken arrangement she and the other unicorns had was pleasant and acceptable.

Apparently, the other unicorns did not feel this way. One day, Yolanda, an aggressively chipper unicorn, paid a visit to Trish. Trish was pruning her hedges, which were the standard green of your average hedge, unlike the fuschia hedges all the other unicorns had. “Trish! Happy Day to you, My Dearest Friend!” Yolanda said in her sparkliest voice.

“Hey there, Yolanda. Long time no see,” Trish said. “Can I offer you some coffee?” Trish was the only unicorn that drank plain, black coffee. All the others drank vanilla bean-cinnamon-mocha-latte-frappes with strawberry, banana and jelly bean flavoring.

“I would not,” Yolanda said, her voice losing a bit of the sparkle. “Trish, I come bearing fabulous news!”

“Oh, yeah? What is it, did we finally get some black jelly beans?”

“What? No, who’d want- No, the good news is, the rest of the unicorns had a Friendship Pow Wow and we came to a unanimous decision- you have to leave the Valley!”

“Wait, but how is that good news?” Trish asked.

“Well, I didn’t say it was good news for you. We just feel that we can all celebrate our differences and unity together with you gone. And that’s the best news of all.” Yolanda was still smiling, though the smile had an edge to it, like a bear hug from a Bowie knife.

“But, how can you just kick me out of Unicorn Valley? Don’t I have rights?”

Yolanda giggled. “Haven’t you heard of Eminent Domain? I don’t blame you. We just learned about it yesterday. The first time I heard the term, I thought it was some kind of M & M. Anyway, you have 24 hours to leave. Toodles!” And with that, Yolanda flew off.

Trish was torn. She did love her home, and she would miss the Valley. But she had to agree that she didn’t fit in with the others, and maybe there was a better place for her out there. Plus, this meant she’d never have to hear another song about friendship again.