Emotions & Family

Flowering Weed – Prickly & Tender

Sometime in 2015 Igor & I decided we really wanted to be closer to God and wanted to put an extra effort into this relationship. Throughout 2016 and start of 2017 with a help of an event from the past, we started working through very important issues of ethics, morality honesty & responsibility, and inequality specifically between family members and anyone else – because God has made us all equal no matter what we think about that ourselves, to be treated fair and square and each of us is as important as anyone else. And emotions or beliefs that are not in harmony with God of course will keep us away from God and from being happier.

Not seeing unloving intentions in ourselves and in members of our family is a common issue around the world due to the way families bring up children and what they teach them about free will, ethics and morality; families often make sure that children do not confront family and stay silent about any unethical, unloving or immoral behaviour of the parents. And thats all understandable when we are little and at their mercy, but what happens when we grow up? This compliance results in us contributing towards family’s bad treatment of others as well as us becoming like them while being completely blind to what we are doing and so the cycle continues. Later in life we also apply the same false beliefs about love and truth in our friendships and of course partnership, which eventually becomes a family and so here we have a closed circle.

My family upholds some honourable standards which they passed on to me and I am very grateful, however, they also have many more beliefs, views on life, that are false and completely untrue from God’s Perspective or you can say not the actual, logical truth, and they all had an impact on me and how I now see and live in the world. All of these beliefs will need to be investigated fully within myself and if I am to have a loving relationship with my family than I will also investigate my relationship with them and the beliefs it is based on. I have personally started to engage in this process and invited my family to participate. This process also mean that all co dependent addictions (expectation) in our relationship will be destroyed in order to have love and sincerity. However all involved must want to engage in the process with their will and to desire the same thing, instead of insisting to maintain relationship based on their own conditions. You can imaging that this process while exciting and positive, can easily turn traumatic due to resistances and lack of desire to change and therefore can only be engaged when the free will of all people is in harmony with the same desire. Truth does not force itself on anyone. So far my family has resisted to engage in a more loving way with me, and so for now they are missing out to be involved in my life and learn about my new choices, and I miss out on theirs.

I now see just how many there are powerful lessons of love and opportunities in each family that one can notice and use to learn about love and what is not love. I highly recommend presentations by Jesus & Mary where they discuss these important issues in detail, thank you guys, I love this discussion and will link it below.

Drugs

What do drugs have anything to do with the things I spoke about already, you may ask. Well it will all make sense if you keep on reading. But I would like to share some things about drugs and my personal experience with them.

I started drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana when I was 11 or 12 years of age. I did not consume any drugs from the age of 14 to 18. After the age of 18, I resumed drinking alcohol often and smoking marijuana on rare occasions, only if someone from my close friends had offered it, which was not often, as most did not consume drugs. From the age of 18 up to the age of 28 I tried other ‘social’ and psychedelic drugs. From the age of 28 I do not drink or use any drugs and do not plan to.

I learnt that drugs have played a huge negative role & added to issues I have had most of my life. Things like me stepping away from myself was always an issue for me but when i was wasted it was an inescapable state I went into; not being able to be myself; drugs contributed to me having a lot of spirit influence and I often felt like I was living in hyper state even when I was sober. I am also now becoming aware how alcohol & drugs have contributed to my spiritual & physical degradation. Meaning the decisions I often made with more ease while drinking or being high were not ethical or moral. These issues have emotional roots however drugs and alcohol caused the painful effects of these unhealed emotions go overdrive and added to my overall unhappiness and stress, which is interesting when you think of the reasons for taking drugs or drinking booze being the opposite.

If my parents knew that I was trying out drugs and alcohol from the age I did, they most likely would have tried to shame me, threaten to kick me out of the house, influenced my will to stop doing those things, or beat me, and all or any of those reactions from them likely would lead me to stuff my rage further deep down and to rebel and continue while make more lies and covering over my addictions even more. My parents also did not cope with their emotions well at all. They denied most of their feelings, abused each other and myself with them, and suppressed them using various addictions and occasionally alcohol. However if they were less harsh, less judgemental, more supportive and understanding, kind and caring while educating me about the possible effects of my choices with drugs, and damages I was doing to myself at the time, things could have been different, I know they would. I am now learning to be that person for myself, while I am uncovering all that anger and hurt packed down within; and I am attracting people into my life who are kind to me and supportive.

Up until 3 years ago, I shared a belief that anyone should be able to do almost anything they want to do. This belief was supercharged with my rage towards my parents from the heavy oppression I received in my childhood or simply put I rebelled against rules and regulations, anyone in authority, even if they were for my own good. Who can relate to the “stuff you … I am doing it anyway!!” feeling? What that caused me to do throughout my life, is to allow myself to be harmful towards myself and others, I never really questioned if what I was doing was harmful; and to emotionally support other people’s damaging choices. I didn’t see myself as a bad person or meaning harm to anyone per se but I just didn’t care enough to stop and think. I can see this is so prevalent in people around the world, so perhaps families and upbringing are different, but not by much…

Statement

Back in 2010, Igor & I broke God’s and Human laws on two occasions by committing drug related crime, we made 3 attempts – one failed, which we have been feeling repentant about and as part of our healing we made a statement to police exposing our crime. I will post parts of my own statement to help me discuss some of the things I feel are important or worthy to share about.

Many people have asked me personally, why there was a need to make such a statement, since not myself or Igor were ever going to make the same decision. Or why we needed to be so transparent about our actions and about people who were involved in this crime. I hope my post will explain the reasons for those who are interested to think and feel about these issues for themselves.

Segment one:

“… In January and February of 2010 Igor & I were involved on three separate occasions, in transporting a package with drugs, from Melbourne to Sydney, and exchanging this package in Sydney for a package with money to bring back to Melbourne.

In January 2010, Igor, came home and told me that him & his brother talked about doing some kind of ‘dodgy’ job. I found out from him that the job was involving Igor driving a package containing drugs to Sydney for a fee, the amount was not discussed with me at that time. …”

Segment two:

“… in few days after ___ had spoken with Igor about driving the drugs to Sydney, we agreed that we would do it, as we wanted some ‘quick’ money to help us out with bills. Igor reluctantly agreed that I would accompany him, as I would keep him company during the long drive. I did not want to be alone at home, stressing out about him getting into trouble. I decided that I would rather be with him in the car, and if anything happened we would both get into trouble or, if caught, would both be responsible for our decision. No further details were given to me at that time, until a day before the ‘drive’ took place. …”

My statement was 9 pages long, so I only want to use parts of it which are going to help this post.

Lack of desire to be transparent is an indication to wanting to cover over something, hide or withhold information and therefore is a sign of insincerity

In these sections of my statement I plainly introduce what me and Igor did, and how it came about. Further in the statement I share with police my own recollections & specific details about the events, drugs, who and how was involved. Igor was as transparent in his own statement, despite of his family being totally against him and put enormous pressure on us to change our minds. This was not easy to do, and caused us to feel many emotions hidden deep under the guilt and fear. However, we knew that being involved in transporting drugs has harmed other people who use them, as well as ourselves and so we had no personal desire to hide any details about our actions. We also knew that Igor’s brother was the person who helped us to get involved in this, so of course we were going to be transparent about this as well. It makes no sense at all to prepare a statement with a desire to be honest and transparent, and not disclose details that you know will be important for police which would mean rewriting the statement again to include these missing details. Lack of desire to be transparent is an indication to wanting to cover over something, hide or withhold information and therefore not be fully honest, sincere and responsible.

Lets say I was involved in transporting alcohol, like a truck driver or even a wine manufacturer on a mass scale. Obviously this is an unloving job since alcohol harms people’s physical and spiritual bodies and wellbeing. However since this job is legal by human law, I would then only need to discuss my actions with God, whose Laws I broke without the need to go to police. This would be a private matter for me, longing for repentance for contributing to people’s addiction to self harm. In fact this is the process I have been engaging with God about the years I worked at bars and served alcohol to people. However since the story I am sharing involves human laws as well as God’s, this is why we went to police and spoke to them about our actions.

If you want to feel truly happy, free and in harmony with Love, you would never agree to excuse an error in yourself or in another person

I feel all people who have asked me about why Igor & I felt the need to include names in our statement were either afraid for us, or asked that due to their issues with authority, or were afraid to feel into their own family bonds which is an indication of a lack of desire to confront their own family beliefs; and do not understand the concept of free will. Many who voiced their concerns felt we were somehow imposing on the freewill of Igor’s family members, which is basically saying that we have no right to be open, transparent and we must validate/agree with someone else’s fears, errors and crimes. And so another reason for the statement: if you want to feel truly happy, free and in harmony with Love, you would never agree to excuse an error in yourself or in another for any reason.

While going forth to police, Igor & I did not have an intention to punish ourselves or anyone else. We did not want to bring any harm on ourselves or anyone else, on contrary at last we were making choices that felt freeing and healing. Our previous actions and the actions of people involved have already brought harm to ourselves, to themselves as well as to other people… While this may be a logical thing to understand now, I confess that it was not the case while in the turmoil of the emotion while confronting our own fears and the false beliefs in ourselves and family and since “error always wants to fight for itself”, Igor’s family has fought us about our decision and accused us that we wanted to punish and to see others be hurt. And again, I feel this is due to not understanding how fear and error operate, how, if not careful, we begin to believe these temporarily and very conditional feelings as if they are true for everyone, we lose sight of what is real and what is our current perception, we forget to question that, we blindly act out in rage, defense or fear and we hurt others and ourselves.

It takes integrity to stand for truth and love despite your fears, even if it means your are the only one who does

We wanted to speak with police and own up about what we have done despite what it potentially meant for our lives, and the next thing I want to mention is integrity. It takes integrity to stand for truth and love even if it means that people who you care about may choose to not love you for doing so or if it means that your life may temporarily change somehow negatively. I say temporarily, meaning some temporary physical or emotional discomfort, because in reality living and acting in truth means that you life will change for the better because you do not live against God’s Laws. (I am happy to say that I have started to experience these benefits myself and would encourage everyone to try living by God’s Laws) I want to develop that integrity, like a muscle, despite the opposition from majority. The only way to do that is to choose the truth and love everytime despite what we may think consequences may be.

Going against the family ‘scales’ commonly is a taboo or in the “too hard basket” often for the rest of our lives

I see that most of us are really screwed up when it comes to equality. We do not see that family, close friends, ourselves and anyone else who is not related to us are all equal and deserve an equal treatment and consideration. As if by default, we see and treat family as more special, we do that with friends too. From my personal experience even those who say they’d rather be separate from their family, still have hooks into not confronting the core beliefs that their family upholds. In fact going against the family ‘scales’ commonly is a taboo or in the “too hard basket” often for the rest of our lives. The process of disconnecting myself from the rules that were applied in my childhood & re-educating myself pretty much about everything is very interesting not fast or easy but essential if I ever wish to see life as God has intended it.

As it happens, Igor’s family has many of the false beliefs about truth and love, leading to strong addictions and ties between all family members, which they pull and tag when needed. And since this event was involving his family, many of these beliefs were shaken up, exposed and confronted. Igor & I often get stressed by the intensity of the emotions triggered in these confrontations and yet relieved that after such a big event – everyone’s feelings about each other are out in the open.

God’s goodness operates in every moment of our life whether we are aware of it or not

I love how God operates, even in what feels like the worse situation – the amazing things happen if you choose to engage God’s Laws with sincerity in your heart, and I’ve come to realise that what felt and looked like the worse was actually a very powerful opportunity to learn about God and my own soul, about other people and their intentions, the power of God’s Laws, what fear does to my perception and so much more.

This post is already way too long for my liking. But I would like to say that Jesus & Mary have taken a lot of their personal time, which was such a gift from them to myself & Igor, to support our decision and assist us with seeing our errors and areas we were not in harmony with God’ Truth. And their 2016 Assistance Groups all have helped us so much to start connecting to a lot of the issues we were facing relating to desire, faith, facade & addictions, family, ethics, morality, the power of God’s Laws, redemption and humility.

Here is my conclusion of the statement, where I list many realisations and lessons, which may be of interest to some of you. They really boosted my confidence and desire despite still strong feelings of fear, I wanted to be honest and responsible and to see what happens to my life and my own faith when I am. I highly recommend for you to try that too.

Segment three:

“… At the time of these events I had poor attitudes towards morality, ethics and law, which fuelled my decisions. However, I knew at the time I was doing something wrong and still did it.

At some stage around May 2010, Igor and I realized that our addictions to certain things in life, such as having a certain lifestyle, feeling good all the time, impressing our friends and the desire for constant entertainment and diversion were not helping us to find deeper meaning in life. In fact, deep down we saw our addictions to such things, as more important than ethics, truth & morality. Over time, we exhausted ourselves with working and overspending the money on things which were not essential and we realized that we needed to change everything about our lives. We needed to find ourselves and to re-educate ourselves about most things we thought we knew.

In May 2010, we went to a seminar in Melbourne presented by AJ Miller and Mary Luck, where we learned some important facts about life and about taking responsibility for everything in our lives. AJ and Mary have become our friends, and have been hugely inspirational, supportive & encouraging of all our positive changes.

In August 2010, myself and Igor decided to completely change our lives around, and make some drastic changes in the way we lived, worked and the way we prioritized things in life. Igor sold his work van around July-August 2010, to pay for our move to Queensland where we now live.

My last 7 years I have dedicated to learning about a better, more ethical way to live. These years have been difficult and uncomfortable at times, but I have taken a lot of opportunities to challenge my beliefs to see the truth and to seek alternatives to my choices. Consequently, it has led me to become more sensitive to what was going on inside of me and in my life, generally.

The more I challenge myself the more ethical, moral, responsible, compassionate and happier from within I’m becoming. The more I change the more contrast I feel between now and how I used to live and why I was becoming such a miserable person prior to 2010. Ironically it is the contrast between these two states of my life which brought up the memories of the events I have outlined in my statement. New feelings about these events filled my heart. I realized that I now want to be a transparent and responsible person, and that this meant that there was only one way to go with regards to these past crimes no matter how scary it was for me. I realized that my decision to fully disclose my crimes was going to help me to fully enter new stage in my life and this is the only true and honest way forward. Many of the new friends I have made, have fully supported myself and Igor in our decision to come forward about our crime, and we are forever grateful to them for that support.

Since January 2016, when I first had the flood of memories about this crime, and up until I came forward to police, I used the time to not only bring up my memories of the event but to fully come to terms with what I have done, to develop a sincere desire to come forward about my wrongdoings and to develop a sincere desire to look at why I took these actions in the past and to internally resolve reasons for my immoral, illegal and harmful to others & myself actions.

One of the biggest issue I had to resolve in coming forward to the police is my fears of authority. However, I started to see that people who work in justice system suffer from people with attitudes like mine who, when they have committed a crime do not wish to come forward about it and be responsible. Police are faced with frustrating task to look for evidence while lawyers look for ways to help people avoid consequences for their actions. I realised that my unethical behaviour and desire to avoid taking responsibility for my actions and not wanting to be transparent with police contributes to the way the justice system currently is and as a result I do not trust the system. I realised that if I wish to see the system ever change I must first change my desire to hide from authority and hide from responsibility.

For the last 7 years, deep down my conscience has been eating away my heart, and while 2016 year has been the hardest year of my life, for the first time I feel I am on the right track in changing myself from the inside out. Up until 2010, I can see how I was all smiles and pretentious façade to look happy, but I was quietly angry deep inside and disappointed with life, which led me to live a life without any loving purpose or future. Up until that time I had variable views about morals and ethics, the use of drugs, and on how to earn an honest living, otherwise I would never have chosen to be involved in the things I have outlined in this statement.

I see now the ways in which drug use is harmful to people and hence is illegal and I fully understand and respect the laws which make the distribution of drugs illegal. I have not used legal (alcohol, tobacco) or illegal drugs since August 2010.

I personally would not take the same action now, as well as I would not approve of or support anyone else wishing to harm others in any direct or indirect way or support anyone who is desirous to break the law.

I take full responsibility for my decisions in breaking the law and I am happy to answer any questions you may have.”

Many have heard about this story from “she said he said”, we even heard people have been making rumours (smile) about me and Igor and so I hope my post not only clears things up but also helps someone to ask questions they may have been too scared to ask themselves, or didn’t think they could or wanted to.