Volunteer Some Sand – Optional, of Course

I read People magazine every week. Each issue has a section near the front called StarTracks. Stars with families, latest heart-throbs, siblings, parental units, on vacation, out shopping, at the beach, in the jungle, on safari, in the backyard, on the road, in parades, shirtless, sleeveless, cazh-yew-uhl, carefree, beaming, laughing, smiling, mugging for the camera. Sometimes they have their kids with them.

I’m noticing a disturbing trend.

84.27%* of the kids look exhausted. From infant to teen, they look tired. Some look like they’re teetering on the edge of collapse. Bags under their eyes, world-weary expressions – even on the toddlers. I don’t think it’s a trick of the lighting.

Fame comes at a price. But I don’t think the kids should be the ones picking up the check.

* ok. you caught me. I made that statistic up from whole air. It’s probably closer to 84.59 percent!

Why? Because they’re labeling their plus size apparel with vanity sizing. Labeling a 2X blouse as a Size 4. Calling an 18W dress a Womens Size 6. I’ll spare you the merchant names.

When I ask the merchants for clarification, I am presented with attitudes like:

We don’t want our brand associated with “plus size.”

Our customers don’t like to be referred to as “plus size.”

Just read the size chart.

Customers feel better when they can wear a smaller size.

It’s just like “plus size” but we call it something different.

We don’t need to actually call it “plus size” on our website.

Let’s break it down, shall we?

We don’t want our brand associated with “plus size.”

Because? More women might find and wear your clothes? You might make more money? Your product line might become more popular? You offer plus size outfits for sale, only you mark them as Size 5, or Extended, or Womens? Who are you trying to kid?

Our customers don’t like to be referred to as “plus size.”

Do you honestly think that we plus size people don’t know we’re plus size? We’re also Curvy. Curvaceous. Curvalicious. Junoesque. Rubenesque. Goddess. The list goes on. But again, who are you trying to kid – your clientele or yourselves? Your customers are smarter than that. Don’t point a fire hose at my face and try to tell me it’s sprinkling.

Just read the size chart.

Let’s be honest. Far too many size charts are printed in teensy tiny print. Finding the size chart link on some product pages is a nightmare. Found the size chart but it’s gonna take a fashion Rosetta Stone to make sense of it? Best of luck, sweetness.

Customers feel better when they can wear a smaller size.

Uhh. If you’re catering strictly to the delusional, sure. If a dress has a bust measurement of 46 inches, sewing in a label that says “Size 4” does not magically make it a size 4 dress.

It’s just like “plus size” but we call it something different.

You can call your house cat a prize racehorse if you want, but getting it to place in the Kentucky Derby is going to be a real trick.

We don’t need to actually call it “plus size” on our website.

Rumors aside, Google and its ilk are not staffed by 4.2 million psychic operators standing by to respond to searches. So, when someone searches for “plus size dress,” the odds are MINISCULE** that Google is going to find a dress marked Size 0.

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The practice of vanity sizing and seasonal adjustment is by no means confined to merchants hoping to avoid the appearance of providing plus size apparel. Just check out this clothing size infographic from the New York Times, circa April 2011. There’s enough outrage for everybody of any size, plenty to go around.

[ SMACK • SMACK ]

** Miniscule… just like tiny but we call it something different.

How does vanity sizing and seasonal size changing make you feel? Speak out!

Your friendly neighborhood snarkonista has been up to her way-too-swollen kneecaps in frenetic RL stuff including house-hunting, doctor visits and an unwelcome foray to the emergency room. Focus on offline activities has severely curtailed my natural snarkitude.

However, I’m working hard to regain my momentum by reading back issues of People and Instyle, as well as mentally critiquing the fashion attempts on daytime and TiVo’d teevee.

You’d be amazed just how much material I could be getting off Lifetime Network alone, no matter what hour. This amuses my cats to no end. Nothing like a sudden snort of shrill laughter to launch a cat out of a peaceful lap-nap and into midair.

So maybe later this afternoon, we can delve into the high fashion side of (drumroll…) compression stockings. And will someone please tell me where they came up with miles of this gawd-awful material they use for hospital gowns everywhere?

I love Andy Rooney. He’s 92 years old with an attitude that won’t quit. A curmudgeon in the most curmudgeon’y sense of the word. He speaks his mind and often everybody else’s, and the crowd cheers “YEAH! GO ANDY!”

He’s my hero. So you’ll understand when I say:

Dear Spammer:
You are lacking in common sense. Did you really think I’d approve your SPAM comment containing 22 links?

Are you honestly trying to tapdance over your tracks with a Great Work on an Ecxelent Post! comment that, bobblehead-like, nods thoughtfully and ponderously at the wisdom of my words about designer knockoffs? (Your spelling, not mine.)

If you’re going to SPAM, be creative. Pretend to have read my post. Don’t blindly hit the comment form at my Royal Wedding No-no post and declare that you “like this dress style.” C’mon. REALLY!?

If you’re going to SPAM, show some guts. Pretend to be on-topic. If a post is about necklaces of recycled soup can lids, comment about the folly of wearing that necklace when dressed in balloon outfits. Then, sure, add a link to sell bandages or duct tape. Wait, what’s that? Then that wouldn’t be SPAM? By golly, you might be right.