moments to share, moments to care

1. make the decision.
2. arm with discipline.
3. cut the crap, junk, everything that makes one feel bad and causes dis-balance.
4. pay one's dues.
5. live one day at the time and master it.
6. set new goals.
7. enjoy the fruits of your work and attitude.

one evening i went down the memory lane with my former high-school classmate who is now my man. he revealed that he used to envy me during high school since everything came so easy to me and i achieved great success. ironically he believed it despite the fact that i was failing in several subjects and only pushed myself in the last year, when the grades really mattered.
but his words got me thinking, since this wasn't the first time when someone admitted to envying me. it also got me thinking about someone telling me that everything in my life has been given to me on a silver platter.
let's get one thing clear - that has never been the case.

as a child, i was reading books, while others watched tv.
then i worked abroad to save up while others decided on a university.
then i got up for morning classes while other chose to sleep.
i worked nights while others took loans or money from their parents.
i played computer games and viola while others partied.
i wrote bachelor's and master's paper while...

i've come to confirm the fact that i am an introvert. huge needs of personal space. huge personal space. which has also lead me to following conclusions:

1) i am rarely the one to first start the conversation. but i enjoy someone else starting it, and have a wide variety of subjects to share my opinion on.

2) i can get annoyed by really adorable and wonderful people just because of space issues. however i have become a lot better at explaining the issue before it explodes in everyone's face.

3) sometimes i get attached to people who don't give two birds about my existence, just because they leave me alone.

4) i'm a weirdo and i love it. i'm glad the people around me do not try to break me and change who i am.

i also thought back of a period where i overstepped personal space and now (when i am back to myself) can see how annoying it can be. but that's a story that started with overstepping any boundaries, so there is no logical explanation or excuse for that.

just a few months ago i barely kept my head above water and struggled to stay alive. after 2 suicide attempts, 47 kilos of weight and most of the hair gone, it had to stop one way or another. back then, i didn't see any way out of it, luckily, my Man did.

now my life has become calm and wonderful, aside from 5 professionally dramatic and stressful weeks in sweden, and unless i want to slip into the comfort zone, it's time to admit that i'm healed and need to get back out there, being tough and disciplined to achieve goals.

so, i've made a list for my future self. it includes personal physical, mental and intellectual goals. it includes working out (i've already made a mini gym at home which is so awesome), eating healthy, finish my summerhouse project, make extra cash to pay for it, and read, write, translate, play music and enjoy the wonderful environment and people around me.

years and years i've sailed through life chosing different roles depending on the occasion.
floated through various relationships, playing the dream girl , depending on the partner. Tech girl, metal girl, musical girl, business shark, sexy bunny, gym freak, intellectual, political activist... i learn fast and saw that as an opportunity to explore my horizons and learn something during the short time i surely knew would pass soon. and as long as they weren't opposing my basic values to the bone, it was fine.

the victories seemed always surprising and ego-feeding (what a great actress i am and so impressed by the speed of learning), lead by a general sense of insecurity (i knew it wasn't me. if that person saw me, he would turn away. over the time i wasn't even sure who i was).

this year was the first time, thanks to therapy and the brutal, necessary breakup, i faced myself in the mirror. tossed out all belongings who represented a trophy more than my true self. everything, that i kept for "small talk"...

had my first vacation abroad with my Man, not a single fight, just pure fun, childish joy, sweet and wonderful time spent together.

still have great relationship with both my parents. no fights, no arguments.
actually i'm lying. got into a huge fight with my dad (2nd fight ever). but it was a very necessary argument to be discussed. and it had a very very good ending to it.

rocking as a team leader and improving my swedish by 200%, i've actually become surprisingly fluent. multitasking and receiving compliments from bosses.

changed almost my entire wardrobe. Man makes me take care of myself, so for the first time in my life i'm splurging on myself with no guilt. no more old, worn out jeans and dirty sneakers. i'm way too pretty and elegant for that. that doesn't mean i'm only wearing high heels and chanel lipstick - come on, it's still me.