Speaking of parents…

Like most relationship-related things, I don’t really put a specific time on meeting the parents. I don’t think there’s a guide or a rule book to follow when it comes to a lot of things that boil down to matters of the heart. But, there are always exceptions.

I was emailing with a friend the other day, and she told me about a guy she’d gone on a second date with — who, phoned his mother and told her about their date…while they were on it. They had attended a book signing earlier in the date to get an autographed book for his mom. After he hung up with his mother, he immediately told my friend, “My mom loves you.”

On date three, during lunch, the guy was text messaging. He apologized, and said he was texting his mom to let her know about the change of plans for that afternoon, because she wanted to go with them.

She wanted to go.with.them. My mind is blown by this.

Without thinking, she blurted out, “No. I’m not meeting your mom.”

Admitting it was an impulse reaction, she told me that she didn’t want to meet his mother as the girl he barely knows and has only gone on a few dates with — but rather, as his girlfriend, provided they reached that level.

I totally agree.

Meeting mom on date three is way too soon. I mean, Friend and Guy hadn’t even established going onanother date, and already she’d be chattin’ mom up? I personally think there has to be a relationship established before you meet the ‘rents. That is, perhaps, my only “rule” that applies across the board. If you’re committing yourself to meeting the parents, you should be committed to the person they parented. Say that five times fast.

It’s kind of a big step. It says “this person is special to me.” And, enough time — depending on how much time you spend/have spent together — should have passed that you know a lot about one another, so that if and when a parent asks them a question, you won’t be surprised by their answer. I can’t imagine someone learning something about the person they’re dating through a question their parent asked. Like:

Mom: “Do you have any siblings, dear?”
Potential girlfriend: “Yes, I actually have two sisters, and a brother in the Army.”
Potential boyfriend, putting fork down: “Ohhh…I didn’t know he was in the Army.”
Potential girlfriend: “Yeah…he’s been in the Army since 2005. He joined after graduating high school.”
Potential boyfriend: “Ohhh, wow…”
Mom: “More peas?”

Something to consider – Maybe the guy is a serious Mama’s boy and the potential girlfriend needs to meet mom. Maybe Mom and any potential girlfriend need to get along or he won’t take the relationship to the next level.

My rule was/is … I’ve got to have some seriously strong feelings for someone before they met my parents/family. For me, the “L word” must be something I had at the very least thought about before I made that step. Plus, that young lady would see some awfully embarrassing childhood photos of me that only my adoring mother found endearing.

My mom met my husband after our second date. I figured since she was at work that night and we had dinner near there, then why not haha I think he was a little weirded out by it, but it all turned out good! We were in our early/mid 20’s though. If I had to do that at this age, I would probably hold off longer.

Oh geesh! Frightening! I always would have rathered not meeting the parents at all.
I met one boyfriend’s mother too soon because he was living with her. Yep.
Another one’s parents I met somewhat early but at least it had been 2 months. Then he wanted my parents to meet his parents. Really? Didn’t happen.
My husband kept his safely tucked away until it was unavoidable. Then waited until we were engaged to introduce me to his family. Too late to back out then!

I would want to hold off meeting the parents until we were an established couple. any guy would have to have deeper true feelings for me to him to get past meeting my loud dysfunctional family. I wouldnt want him to think my father’s cruelness is a family trait.

Never openly text your mom during a date and say a weird comment like that. Too soon, Too creepy

No matter how good your relationship is with your parents, the kind of stuff this guy is pulling is waaaaaay too soon. Is mom going to be involved in every decision he makes? Might it turn into a jealous in-law thing with her down the line? Or is he dependent on a mother-type figure and is looking for someone to take her place? These are just a few of the red-flags that are flying at this story.

I’m a firm believer in accepting that your SO’s family is going to be a part of your life and you need to make those relationships work too (there have been discussions on this blog about that kind of stuff before). But this is a case where, “You’re supposed to be dating the guy, not his mom” fully applies. Your rule of thumb is spot on, Amanda.

Well… now that I’ve gotten all my judgement out of the way, how does your friend like the guy otherwise? She’s gone on at least 3 dates, so maybe he has something to offer. And she’s identifying potential problems up front and is being honest with him about how she feels. Good for her.

I dated a guy once who, after our third date, had told me that his mom had invited us over for dinner. I immediately got weirded out. Third date was definitely way too early for a meet the parents dinner. Needless to say, there wasn’t a fourth date.

I’ve also met a date’s mom on the first date, but that was when I was younger and the guy I was dating lived at home and we had our first date watching a baseball game in his living room. (Although, I have a unique name and the date forgot how to pronounce it and didn’t introduce me to his mom because he was too embarrassed to ask me the correct pronunciation).

It is amazing how weirded out we get when it comes to our dates and meeting Mom! The few serious relationships I’ve had, the guys always commented how great my Mom is and why I didn’t introduce them sooner?! My friends always comment how they wish my Mom was their Mom.

But when you are dating and in relationship territory, it is a completely different playing field and stakes are much different.

We waited for a few months of dating to meet parents. However, I think I had the most pressure since his mom lives out of state and we were staying at her place for Thanksgiving for the weekend. Luckilly we get along great, but still. Looking back it probably would have been a bit less awkward to meet and have a hotel to come back to for SPACE.

My parents met my now-husband about the same time I did. We met him when he moved to this area and started to attend the church where we were already attending. That was in February.

My parents approved of him from the start, initially mostly due to his church-going. They got to know him over time, and found their positive impressions confirmed over time.

We conducted our 2 1/2 year courtship (including engagement) regularly attending that church together. Was it awkward at times, to be under the eagle eyes of my parents and their friends (and ours, for the most part)? Yes, occasionally it was. But we felt it kept us more cautious with our relationship, and gave us a better foundation for a good marriage.

I did not meet his family until the summer following us starting to date, when we went to the family beach home in NJ. His family live in VA, MD, PA and FL. By then, we were an established couple, and I was soon accepted by them (as my family did for him) as his potential spouse. I was also the first girl he brought to meet them since being on his own . . .

RUN! That is my advise. It’s only going to get worse! I was the maid of honor in a wedding where the groom was a mama’s boy and his mother wore a full length white wedding gown (with cleavage) to their wedding. How can you take a guy seriously when you are competing for his attention on only date 3?