He Loves You, He Loves You Not: Summer Edition!

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It’s not always easy to tell whether the man or woman of your dreams is actually into you, or whether they're just being nice because they heard about your reaction to the last person who turned you down. You cast one little spell of Eternal Inability To Control Bladder, and suddenly you’re the bad guy! Rather than pluck all the petals off the nearest petunia, here are some telltale signs to help gauge the interest level of your summer crush, in any situation.

1.You ask him to go to the beach

He loves you. He says yes, and the two of you spend a sun-soaked day staring into each other’s eyes while listening to the waves lap around your sandy haven. Or at least that’s what his intent gaze led you to believe, until he yelled “Sox win!” and you realized he'd been listening to a ballgame on his wireless headset the entire time.

He loves you not. He explains that he's allergic to sand. When you counter with, “well, how about the pool?” you learn of his aversion to all things involving fun and/or sun. You suggest hanging out in your basement and crying together, but this is in fact his favorite activity, therefore qualifying it as fun.

2. A day at the water park

She loves you. Nothing could ruin this perfect day. You finally work up the courage to put your arm around her, and she snuggles in like a perfectly fitting puzzle piece. She descends the popular Rapids of Shame! ride ahead of you, and those 30 seconds apart seem like an eternity. When the buff lifeguard finally gives you the go ahead, you dive down the watery tube toward your temporarily lost love. As you make your final descent into the reception pool, your bathing suit is unfortunately unable to join you. Tasked with retrieving your lost suit, Mr. Ripped Lifeguard gracefully emerges from the slide in a perfect warrior pose, your trunks and dignity in his hands.

She loves you not. She said yes! The two of you ascend the steps to the Rapids of Shame! slide. When you reach the top, she jumps up to hug the lifeguard, whose other job is modeling for weight-lifting magazines. "This is my long-term boyfriend, Joban!" she says.

3. A picnic in the park

He loves you. From behind his back he presents you with a packed picnic basket before you've even finished inviting him. He then snaps his fingers, initiating a procession of woodland creatures that carry the basket into a perfect patch of Eden. This frees up his arms, allowing him to literally sweep you off your feet and into a private picnic sanctuary. (Private if you don’t count the oddly servile squirrels appearing now and again to force-feed you purple grapes.)

He loves you not. He declines, citing the recent surge in crime committed by woodland creatures exhibiting weirdly humanlike qualities.

4. A visit to the county fair

She loves you. You somehow defy all odds and hit the bell on the test of strength machine, winning her a giant teddy bear. You sink a ping-pong ball into a tiny glass, acquiring a goldfish. You're then presented with a blue ribbon, just for being the Baddest Dude Around. You’re on fire! Her eyes say it all, as she happily holds her bear. She's first lady to the King of the County, nay, the COUNTRY—until your alarm clock rudely interrupts the crowd chanting your name, snapping you out of sleep and back to a boring life where prizes for being the baddest dude around don't even exist.

She loves you not. She comes with you to the fair, where she dominates the test of strength machine three times before handing over the hammer with a smug smile. You let out a rebel yell and hit the rubber target, propelling it to a point somewhere between “Weakling” and “Nice One, Grandpa.” This all occurs right in front of her ex-boyfriend, David, who she immediately starts making out with.

5. Two concert tickets=one love connection?

He loves you. You discover you have the same favorite song! As fate would have it, the song is the encore. Suddenly, the sexy female singer asks your crush to the stage, thanking him for being the inspiration behind her work. Unable to control your emotions, you attempt to follow him to the stage, but an extremely burly security guard makes it clear that you're not welcome. Soon you're following the movements of your crush and his new singer girlfriend on TMZ. They seem to be having a lot of fun in Ibiza.

He loves you not. He laughs at your feeble attempt to invite him to go see the musician he himself inspired. “Miley would be nowhere without me! I’m sorry, but you'd need to do a lot more yoga before I'd be willing to show up with you. You understand, right?” Perhaps his good friend Miley will visit him in the hospital, where he's being treated for a well-deserved groin bruising.

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About the Author

Based out of Chicago, Bo Larkin, aka Bryan Albert, makes a living as a writer and musician. Bryan comprises half of the cabaret/art song duo "Lovers' Quarrel" and is a guitar teacher and ensemble coach at Sherwood at Columbia College and Southport Performing Arts Conservatory. Check him out at Chicagoguitarist.com and @bogitano