MetaRefs

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Like a Blood Bank, But for Emotions

When I was 16, I had to have back surgery (it's a long story) ~ and I had to "bank" several pints of my own blood in preparation for the procedure. I remember going to the hospital, causing quite an uproar when I screamed at the top of my lungs as I fainted, at the sight of the first drop of blood ~ I don't remember hitting the floor, or the crackers they fed me afterwards, or the looks of horror I got from the kids in the building. But I remember watching my blood get pumped into a plastic bag and then "popped" into a refrigerator like it was a pint of ice cream. I was, and still am, really thin and I remember thinking WHERE THE HELL is all this blood coming from, and how is my little body going to "refill" itself (hey, I was only 16, what did I know?).

Our bodies are amazing ~ it knows when things need to get done, and it does them. A few weeks later, my body was ready for the surgery at the Texas Medical Center ~ and now I have two titanium rods around my spine. The rods have been good to me ~ I don't set off airport alarms (anymore), and I can be as active in sports as I want to ~ hiking, camping, dancing, running, etc. ~ and, better yet, I have perfect posture. The rods' presence is always there ~ I always feel them ~ and they feel incredibly heavy sometimes, especially when the burden of personal angst weighs them down. Still though, the rods serve as a reminder not only of intense physical trauma, but of incredible strength I did not know I had, especially at age 16, and continue to have. So, since the surgery, every few years, I give blood, remembering that if I had been in an accident requiring emergency surgery and a transfusion, there may not have been blood for me. And I wonder where my healthy blood goes ~ who needs it? who gets it? do drops of my strength go with it?

Ah, but I digress. The point here is that today I was thinking back to "banking my own blood" and how amazing it is that it could stay refrigerated until it was needed ~ and in time of need, poof, there it was ready to be used. And I thought also of sperm banks and egg banks ~ where people can freeze their healthy reproductive cells to be used when needed ~ and even savings account where we keep a few dollars for a rainy day. And I wished to myself, damn, why can't we do that with emotions? You know ~ when you're on top of the world and happy and feeling strong, why can't we just pour a little of that feeling into a bottle and pop it into our freezer, to be used later down the road when you know you'll need it. When you are buried under stress, or doubt, or existential angst, you could just go to your freezer, move the Dulce de Luche ice cream (my favorite) out of the way and pull out that handy tube of healthy emotions you stored up.

I have had moments in my life, especially in the past five years where I know I am kick-ass, and where I feel at the top of my game, and strong, and independent, and resilient. I can pinpoint those moments on a calendar ~ the feelings, emotions, and memories are that strong. And sometimes, when external factors try to convince me that I am anything but amazing, I wish I could have stored up a little of that intensity from those previous amazing moments ~ so I could give myself a little transfusion now, when I need that strength. Not only that, but I wish everyone could do that ~ so that when your loved ones bow under pressure, cave in to their angst, and push you away, you could just open their freezer, move the ice cream out of the way, take out their tube of healthy emotions, and replenish them with the strength they forgot they had. And if they hadn't banked their own emotions, then you know you have some of yours, an emotional transfusion just for this type of emergency.

I'm just sayin.....these are the things that pop into my head. Bank Your Bliss.

Comments

You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

I love this post. You know, when I first started writing in my journal - about 7 years back now - the reason was because I wanted to know what the hell gave me that "on-top-of-the-world" feeling and what gave me the funks. All I'd have to do is record my days and record how I felt and it would all become crystal clear I figured. I'd have the emotional ice-cream recipe all figured out.

And I'd be one happy homie.

Well, 7 years later and I'm still just as clueless as to why some days I rise happy homie and others angry hipster. That's not quite true - I do have a better idea, but most of those factors are the ones I can't control.

Do the titanium rods bend?

I had a friend who back in the day used to tell girls that having sex was good for their backs. That was his pick up line I guess. And supposedly it worked. Creepy guy ... I hope he never found you.

Girl, what a profound thought! Storing away positive energy for those hard times. But, in a way, we do provide that positive energy to those we love and care about. After all, thats what familia's for.