TSA Santa and the Night Before Christmas

The holiday season is the best time of the year for TSA agents to steal electronics out of your luggage. And it’s not uncommon: TSA employees have been caught over and over again, stealing electronics and selling them on eBay.

ABC News even caught one TSA goon[5] stealing a laptop that was rigged with a tracker device. When journalists went to the agent’s house to ask why their laptop was now located there, the TSA thief originally denied it, and then later blamed his wife. (It just gets more pathetic by the day.)

So to celebrate TSA thieves, crooks, pedophiles, sexual molesters and perverts, all of whom drool over the possibility of feeling your genitals and then swiping valuables out of your luggage, I’ve penned this little holiday poem called “TSA Santa.” Enjoy and share!

‘Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a mouse

…

When along came a thud
And a sick-sounding “ooof!”
Like some huge man-shaped blob
Just got dropped on the roof

…

He scrambled and cursed
As he fumbled his way
To the chimney, I know
‘Cuz I heard a voice say

…

“This better be good
One more house and I’m done!”
Then he scaled down the chimney
with a pepper spray gun

…

I fled as the monster
Squeezed out of the chute
It was TSA Santa
Come to steal all our loot

…

With a sack in one hand
(Like he does with young boys)
He stole all our iPads
and cameras and toys

…

He stripped us of everything
and slithered away
to prep all the items
for sale on eBay

…

TSA Santa
Loves holiday cheer
He can steal much more stuff
At this time of the year

…

He crushes your testicles
And little boys’ dreams
Making good on Big Government’s
Tyranny schemes

…

If TSA Santa
tries to steal all your loot
Aim your twelve gauge with care
and don’t blink when you shoot

…

For the world would be better
without tyranny and fear
We could all enjoy Christmas
and a Happy New Year