Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Space In Between

Sometimes I think that there isn't enough present. The past seems so full and heavy, the future seems looming and gigantic, and the present is just a gasp in the middle. The pause in the middle of a sentence when you briefly wonder if what you've just said makes any sense -- and what you're going to finish the line with. The past is full of good moments and bad, and the future holds the potential to be so much better than you'd imagined. Sometimes I get so caught up with the bad moments of the past and the fear that the future will be no better. Sometimes I remember fondly pieces of the past and anticipate the glorious future with such anxiety that I can barely stand to be stuck here where everything is yet to happen.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not a present-oriented person. I never have been. Yet slowly I've been becoming sick from the focus on what has been and what will be. I've felt out of place, out of control, and constantly out of time in the now. I suppose that's why I stopped writing in the blog. I wanted to disconnect. The only problem is that I missed the writing. So I was stuck between not wanting to come back to writing at a place that had a set of predetermined expectations about what I would write about and who I would be, and not wanting to not write. I'm not sure why it took me so long to come to the determination that what I needed to do was clear the blog. So here it is. My new unmarked trail. For those of you that want to be able to look back, the old content and layout can still be found here. I'll develop a new layout in time, and post when I am able. I'm running a pretty busy schedule these days, but it's nice to have the clear white space to fill with the present. It's important to remember that the present is the only time we really live, and I should learn to appreciate mine more.