Hey there ‘Redheads… I hope everyone had themselves a festive 4th of July. While watching the rocket’s red glare from the Key Bridge, I definitely felt less dependent. I heaved a case of Lipton iced-tea into the Potomac to give the celebration that little something extra…my apologies to the poor saps in the kayaks below. So, with the oddly placed holiday, it seems like it’s been awhile since the last installment (yes, I know, the waiting is the hardest part…especially when you’re waiting to put up with me). Quite a bit of fun was had on my behalf since then that I’ll be more than happy to share. First though, congratulations to local funnymen Chris White, Rob Maher, Marion Kendrick, and L.A. transplant Dawan Owens for being picked to compete in Comedy Central’s Open Mic Fight. They’re part of a group of 72 that were selected from a nation-wide online search…I’m pretty sure more than 72 people submitted, so it’s a pretty big deal. Sadly, I did not make the cut, despite sending them a dynamite set for their consideration. I’d like to think I was number 73 on their list (and number one in your hearts…five, at least). Here is what they chose to pass on…

Freakin’ dynamite…blowin’ up…they thought it just blew. Anywho, enough about me…let’s downshift into 3rd person and get into the great couple of days had by Jared Stern, shall we?

FRIDAY: I returned to my alma mater, Springbrook High, to check out a fellow alum, Lewis Black. I was class of ’93. He was class of ’66. Pretty cool, eh? It was a sold out auditorium with alumni from every previous class from ’66 to now represented in some way or another. What was amazing to me was they were able to dig up his math teacher, who probably could’ve been carbon dated. I’d never seen Lewis Black live before, and despite some high school AV issues, the show was amazing. And did he tone things down at all for the elderly or school administration in attendance? Noooo. About a minute in, he told anyone who didn’t get a joke to go fuck themselves. This is what high school math class daydreams are made of. After he closed the show to a standing ovation, he was presented with a football jersey. And he did the show gratis, all the proceeds going to scholarships. I’m sure they’ll name a bathroom after him, or something.

SUNDAY: What a gorgeous day. The first in several weeks which the air wasn’t chewable. Luckily, I was able to take advantage of it by going to a park party in Dumbarton Oaks, complete with frisbees, sport-related balls, and all sorts of other tools for recreation. It was a chance to bask in the joys of being nine again…except for the sangria. The other major stumbling block in our trip back to recess, was that our late-twenties, early-thirties bodies just don’t quite bounce back the way they used to. This was evidenced primarily in our game of Spud. Remember Spud (click the link if you don’t)? It’s a dodgeball variant that involves a lot of full-speed running and sudden stops then more full-speed running. After playing two spirited games with nine-year old reckless abandon, my body slowly began to rust. I’m not in great shape (I’m getting winded typing this), but I’d like to think I can handle a little bit of activity. Turns out, nope. The next day, I was one giant cramp. Pretty much crippled from the neck down. I was very close to renting a rascal to get around in.

MONDAY: I found out about a freakin’ sweet bit of promotional to-do going on right in our backyard. Turns out that twelve 7-11’s across the country have been chosen to be converted into Kwik-E-Marts in order to promote the up coming Simpsons Movie. Aside from the facelift, these stores will be selling Buzz Cola, Krusty-O’s, Radioactive Man comic books, and Squishees in collectible cups. In cities like New York, L.A., Denver, Chicago, and…Bladensburg, MD…about a block from where I work. Here’s a little video tour of the one in Burbank, CA…

I’ve been drinking an Squishee a day since Monday…eventually these collector’s items will be worth…at least half of what we over-zealous nuts are paying for them.

TUESDAY: I’ll just say it…I went to Drag Bingo. My friend Allyson wanted to go for her birthday, so a group of us headed down to Club Chaos in Dupont Circle for bingo…hosted by drag queens. Drag bingo. Sure, it sounds like fun. That’s what we thought too, but there wasn’t quite enough bingo and it was kind of a drag. I never thought I’d leave a place saying, “If they only played more bingo…” We played 4 games total in about 3 hours time, the balance of which was taken up by our three hosts strutting their…*ahem*…stuff and essentially demanding dollar bills. One guy looked like a Klingon in an evening gown. Another actually had boobs, showcasing the kind of plastic surgery that harkened back to this scene…

Of the three of them, only the Tina Turner look-a-like displayed any real showpersonship.