he's just following the jesus priority list

Rick Perry Discusses Awfulness of Gay Rights While Texas Burns

Rick Perry recently skipped Texas, where there is an epic drought engulfing 90% of the state, so that he could tell social conservatives at a GOP donor sleepover party in Aspen (ahem) that the recent passage of a gay marriage bill in New York was its own business, states rights, etc. Then, here’s a little quiz, massive outrage ensued about which of these two things, the fact that he a) skipped out on drought management or b) does not hate gays enough?

The weepy homophobe retribution was swift, most notably from WorldNetDaily for claiming with a straight face that they felt “unclean” about their previous boner for the gaywad Texas prince. Thus Perry has been doing damage control and having little sexy pow-wows with hate groups and so forth. What a fun, sexy time for Rick Perry!

AND SO ALL OF THIS IS TO SAY THAT MEANWHILE, back in the state that Perry runs, Texas is suffering one of the worst droughts in its history, farmers have lost all their crops, and the entire state is absolutely melting. Leadership in times of crisis? No, he’ll just be talking about the gays, thanks.

Texas’ economy will take a more direct hit. Agriculture accounted for $99.1 billion of Texas’ $1.1 trillion economy, or 8.6 percent, in 2007, the most recent year data on food and fiber was available from the extension service. Losses in that sector have a ripple effect that’s about twice the amount of the actual agricultural loss.

“That’s a fairly substantial portion of the Texas economy that’s going through this hardship,” Anderson said.

And, it’s a hardship that’s following close on the heels of others. Texas suffered droughts in 2005-06 and 2008-09, although those were mostly regional. This year’s is broader and more intense. The state is coming off its driest nine-month period ever and its hottest June on record. More than 90 percent of the state is in the two most severe drought stages.

Is it fair to even ask Rick Perry to be in charge of something like a natural disaster? Historically, that has always been something that is the federal government’s fault. Here is the Texas Tribune, wondering about this:

Partly because of the relative powerlessness of the state, the consensus of political observers is that the drought is unlikely to cause a political problem for Perry, even if he campaigns around the country while Texas continues to dry out. “This drought would be going on whether he was in Texas or Hong Kong,” Seliger says. “That’s not the point.”

Historically, however, during the worst drought in recorded Texas history — the 1950s — the governor, Allan Shivers, did take a prominent role in working to get more aid flowing to stricken areas.

Yes, historically something terrible like a sweeping drought may have been something a governor worried about and tried to correct, but Rick Perry is too much of a Christian for that. [AP/ Texas Tribune]

Just a bit of psychic santorum splatter. They'll be feeling fine (and still full of hate) in a week or so.

Barb

Don't look to the gays to fix this drought thing in Texas. Unless "It's Raining Men", they really don't care.

LettucePrey

Wait, so teh gays are causing my dryness? I haz a confused.

bagofmice

There's product for that.

Barb

They sell foreplay now? Does it come in a fore-pack?

Negropolis

Probably with a six-pack.

Lionel[redacted]Esq

Who says, like Reese's, you can't put the two together?

Biel_ze_Bubba

If it was raining men, Texas would check them for green cards before worrying about their gayness. Unless, maybe, the guys were dressed in leather jockstraps. (Then again, in Texas, leather is sort of mandatory…)

Swampgas_Man

And in this heat, jockstraps too also.

PalinPussyPower

Hallelujah.

DahBoner

c) Rick Perry's God can't do jackshit to stop the drought.

Either God hates Texas or Rick Perry's god is the equivalent of one of those toy baby steering wheels.

They make the baby feel like they're driving and in control….

OneDollarJuana

So is Rick's campaigning like the baby pounding that little plastic horn? Annoying?

mumbly_joe

LEAVE DAVID VITTER OUT OF THIS

salt_bagel

Slayer told me that God hates us all.

poncho_pilot

that's the most brilliant statements i've read all day.

mormos

"They make the baby feel like they're driving and in control, but all they're doing really is giggling and shitting in their diapers…. "

funny, that's exactly what the koch brothers say about democracy and the american public.

Biel_ze_Bubba

Funny, that's what I say about the teabaggers in Congress.

Dashboard_Jesus

Best.Analogy.Ever

WhatTheHolyHeck

"Abdication" is such a fancypants, elitist word. He prefers to think of it as delegating up.

bumfug

If god doesn't like gay stuff how come he's been putting his heavenly dick up Texas' ass so much lately?

nappyduggs

And when you've got a cock that big, you just gotsta go for the biggest shithole.

DahBoner

".If god doesn't like gay stuff how come he's been putting his heavenly dick up Texas' ass so much lately?"

First, Phoenix gets whomped by dust storms that turned the sky black and turned swimming pools into giant vats of mud. Now, Texas is dying of heat. It makes me happy that nasty shit is happening to the people who don't "believe in" global warming.

CZL

Hey, uh, plenty of liberal Texans down here are suffering too.

Biel_ze_Bubba

The two of you should just leave.

i_AM_ready

Who died and made you the bouncer?

i_AM_ready

No snark intended, but it's hard for me to understand how a liberal could stand to live with the people who gave us George W Bush. Maybe I'm too insular. I live in a town that voted about 99% for Obama. If any of my neighbors had had a Bush sign in their front yard, (none did), I'd have felt like I would have had to shun them, no matter how "nice" they were. I really think Bush was almost as bad as Hitler. Bush started a war because somebody told him that all the great Presidents were war Presidents. It's hard for me to ignore shit that awful.

tejanojim

I live in Houston because that's where the jobs are, allowing me to keep my wife and I fed and housed. I hear what you're saying, though. In my experience, most folks around here deny climate change because that's what the oil companies say, and the oil companies put dollars in people's pockets. Combine that with a general American mindset that rejects the idea of limits and restraint, and there you go.

Re: Bush's war – how's that Libya thing working for you?

i_AM_ready

PS I apologize for sounding preachy, I know Wonkette is about funny, not preachy, and that Austin is not like the rest of Texas and people often live someplace because they have family they want to stay near or whatever. But I'm not totally kidding about global warming. Of course it isn't necessarily causing this week's heat wave in Texas. But I think that as a planet we only have X years to turn things around before we cause irreversible damage. I don't know what the X is, but am afraid it's a pretty small number. Sometimes I wonder if my kids, age 21 and 26, will live to a ripe old age or whether the planet will die on them first. So every time I read about terrible weather someplace where there are a lot of idiots who don't believe in global warming, I think, "Hopefully a few of them will start to wonder if there might be something to this…." And if we get to the point where 95% of Americans agree that global warming is real, then we'll get a government that might actually try to slow it down….
Again, sorry, sermon over.

Dashboard_Jesus

well said and personally I think it's OK to sound a little *preachy* once in awhile even tho 'round here it's like preachin' to the choir…and at this point I'm glad I never had kids of my own cuz with the fucked up Xtain climate change deniers in charge I truly believe it's already too late!

Allow me to get all dork-core for a moment. From Hassanein Bey's article filed with the Royal Geographical Society in 1924, entitled "Through Kufra to Darfur":

"… There are other, less constant winds that change direction, that can knock down a horse and rider and realign themselves anticlockwise. The bist roz leaps into Afghanistan for 170 days, burying villages. There is the hot, dry ghibli from Tunis, which rolls and rolls and produces a nervous condition. The haboob — a Sudan dust storm that dresses in bright yellow walls a thousand metres high and is followed by rain…"

Dashboard_Jesus

awesome, thanks for the history/ meteorology lesson!

Biel_ze_Bubba

"people who don't "believe in" global warming. "

As bible-thumping Xtians, they supposedly believe in God sending plagues to punish the selfish and heedless — but they don't seem to be getting that message either. Perhaps Texas is more "densely" populated than I thought.

CapnFatback

When reached for comment, Perry said he planned to kill two birds with one stone, as he would conduct investigative research into "the nature of homosexual attraction" at the Sugar Shack on Ladies' Night, where he planned to "make it rain."

SheriffRoscoe

He could be praying more. Of course, when you pray for rain while simultaneously praying for fire and brimstone to kill the gays, you kind of cancel one request out with the other, so…

About the only thing he will do for the drought will be yelling, "I'll make it rain," in a strip club.

Negropolis

There are gay strip clubs in Austin? Keep Austin weird!

Callyson

How's that secessiony thing working out?

JoshuaNorton

“This drought would be going on whether he was in Texas or Hong Kong,”

More pearls of home spun wisdom brought to you by those good folks south of the Mason-Dickhead line.

Biel_ze_Bubba

So, they really don't need him at all, right?

mgardener

I thought that was a weird comment too.
Isn't the purpose of hiring somebody as Gov. to be in charge and take care of the people of the state?
Isn't he supposed to be looking out for the people that elected him?

The last thing OK needs are Texas refugees. Build the dang fence, Oklahoma.

HistoriCat

I don't really want to ride out another Hurricane Ike but at this point I'm willing to go without power for a couple weeks if only it would mean a nice tropical storm swept through and dumped some rain on this parched wasteland. You guys can get the leftovers.

Biel_ze_Bubba

With the planet heating up the way it is, they don't make "nice tropical storms" anymore. You can always pray hope for only a category 4.

baconzgood

You know when we have a big snow storm the Right Wing Talking Heads go all "Where's your global warming climate change now Al Gore?" But during a heat wave they are completely quiet about it?

And yes I am smart enough to know the difference between weather and climate and they aren't the same thing so don't point that out.

(this comment is 100% snark free)

Doktor Zoom

You can't explain it!

fuflans

yeah and 100% correct.

Biel_ze_Bubba

I wonder how many years of heat and drought it takes to turn "weather" into "climate".

jjdaddyo

Yeah, like Perry is going to go to Washington to beg for more aid for his State's farmers. Wasn't he one of those who loudly bitched about stimulus funds? (while taking them, of course)
He'd rather kiss Obama's ass in Macy's window while Tea Baggers threw shit balls at him.

MissusBarry

It'd be appropriate, in an evolutionary (devolutionary?) way, for teabaggers to commence the flinging of poo.

Furthermore, his zealot base is more fluent about the "unnatch-ral disasterz — [haw haw]" figmented in their heads than they are in the real, natural disasters of famine and drought — two words found throughout both Testaments way more often than the scant mention of homosexuality. But see which issue attracts them more? Go figure.

Fukui_sanYesOta

How many times are Teh Gayerz mentioned in the New Testament? You know, that bit which separates Christians from teh Joooz.

jodyleek

You're not supposed to actually solve state problems when you're the Guvnah! You're supposed to fellate oil barons and various rich dudes, write shitty right wing screeds/biographies, flaunt your adoration for the the zombie sky king, shoot stuff, pretend like you're running for preznit, and grift to your heart's content, also and too.

SayItWithWookies

I thought Perry was doing something about the drought — any motherfucker who's so stupid to exhort his citizens to pray for rain probably believes that the drought is The LORD's way of showing his displeasure about Texans not stoning gays to death outside the city walls. And the governor is deathly afraid that God will lift his veil of protection and one day the worst will happen — dry, fly-away hair.

Biel_ze_Bubba

If the taking of all the children fails, there's always the eleventh plague: alopecia. That'll get Rick's attention! (Why God is saving it for last, I really can't explain.)

Pragmatist2

Why do you think there IS a drought in Texas? It's because gays are marrying in New York. God is punishing Texas because that is His way of getting back at New Yorkers.

GuanoFaucet

If only he'd just cut taxes on the richest 1% of Texans. Problem solved!

gullywompr

Republican Roulette – a game of chance in which participants place bullets in every chamber in a revolver, spin the cylinder, place the muzzle against the heads of the American people, and pull the trigger.

pbrex

Methinks Rick doth protest too much about teh gehys. My neighbor down here in Austin swears by the stories of some local rent boys who've carried the Governor's luggage for a night.

SayItWithWookies

Tell him that's not good enough — we need evidence!

pbrex

I know! She only has bits of hearsay I think, but I choose to believe it anyway. If we all wish it hard enough maybe gay Jesus will come through in a pinch.

SheriffRoscoe

Rent boys and their code of ethics. I mean seriously, come on.

MinAgain

He made them carry his luggage? That's just perverse.

Mahousu

To be fair, Rick Perry has a lot of baggage. I mean, a lot of baggage.

"God, with the power vested in me as guvner, I am deputizin' yew! Now form a posse and rustle up some water."

Negropolis

So, God rounded up the Buddha, Jesus, Vishnu, Ganesha, Shiva & Co. But, on the way to Texas, they found a sweet-ass party on Bourbon Street in NO and haven't been seen since.

Biel_ze_Bubba

I'm guessing He found Shiva already busy in Texas.

LettucePrey

A gay man dies and finds himself standing before St. Peter. A large rainbow flag is flying over the Pearly Gates.

The man asks, “So, God doesn’t hate fags?”
St. Peter replies, “God hates hate. I fly that flag just to mess with the Christian fundamentalists.”
The man asks, “How do they react?”
St. Peter says, “I’ll let you know if we ever get any."

Lascauxcaveman

Guy dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. Peter checks his name in the book, and says "Ooh, I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you, you're booked for the other place. Elevator over there, with the scorched red door on it, hit the bottom button and ride it all the way down."

Guy gets on the elevator, rides it all the way down, the doors open, and he's pleasantly surprised. It's warm, but not too hot, patches of desert, but also lush green farm fields here and there, a nice breeze blowing; not like hell at all. Thinking it might be some kind of test, he figures he'd better honest and report back to St Pete. Back on the elevator, all the way up, back to the desk and tells St Peter what he saw.

"What? No way. I'll go with you this time, make sure you got it right."

Back on the elevator, all the way down, doors open and St Peter says, "Shit. Those damned Mormons have been irrigating again."

widestanceroman

His hateful god has denied the state life-giving rain, so what more proof of god's love does his base need?

OK, fine. Bring on the wildfires!

Barrelhse

Locusts and shriveled wombs are always nice.

Doktor Zoom

If Texas is so terribly dry, maybe Perry should apply some lube.

bagofmice

Either that or Brawndo! It's got what plants need!

genxr

Paging Santorum…

Lionel[redacted]Esq

Drill, baby, drill?

BarackMyWorld

Let's be fair….

Maybe he plans to bring some water back home with him when he's done travelling around the country?

OneYieldRegular

Would it help matters if, in order to end the drought, we sent to the skies of Texas a fleet of rainbow-colored cloud-seeding planes, all piloted by flaming queens, to glitterbomb the clouds with silver nitrate?

genxr

I bet the silk scarves would look faaaaaabulous!

OneYieldRegular

Fashionability, to be sure, would not be a problem. But I'd have a slight worry about the possible confusion of amyl nitrate with silver nitrate.

SaneCatLady

I, for one, would pay good money to see that.

DashboardBuddha

Sounds like the sequel to Priscilla of the Desert

Doktor Zoom

Maybe if he reduced taxes on rain, more of it would move to Texas.

comrad_darkness

And promised to provide the crappiest, science-free education in the country.

Lionel[redacted]Esq

Damn rain probably is Mexican. That is why Perry is keeping it out.

HistoriCat

If Perry was trying to keep the rain out there would be floods all over the damn state. The only thing he's good for is photo-ops and blame-shifting.

So Joseph Farah feels "unclean" because Rick Perry supports States Rights?! Perhaps that is because Joseph Farah is a GOT-DAMNED SECRET MUSLIM of Syrian and Lebanese ancestry!!http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joseph_Farah

First Cain kowtows to Sharia, then Allen West starts fluffing Boehner's salad! Alright, they're Urbans, we should have known not to trust them. But white-faced Islam right at the heart of the movement?!

I just feel so dirty. I take back all the nice things I said about WorldNetDaily.

It must be terribly confusing to be a Republican these days. It's like a constant game of weights and measures. Which is more important today — states' rights or preventing hot anal sexxx?

mavenmaven

It is the old invisible hand, downfisting Texas in the a$$.

fuflans

to be fair, if texas didn't have such high abortion taxes on job creatin joe barton, god wouldn't be forced to smite it this way.

fuflans

it's hard to catch god's ear when you put innocent men to death.

Negropolis

Ouch!

Fare la Volpe

He wasn't innocent – he was Mexican!

DashboardBuddha

Ouch but true.

Lionel[redacted]Esq

But didn't God execute his own son? Perry is just following the Bible.

Negropolis

Yeah, but his father was deeply pained by the sacrifice. Somehow, I don't imagine Rick loses much sleep over offing a Mexican.

Biel_ze_Bubba

I wonder if he even bothers to wash his hands?

metamarcisf

Anybody want to invest in my new small business for job creation? Debt Ceiling Fans, $29.99 now Til Tuesday.

Lionel[redacted]Esq

I shouldn't have laughed, but I did.

Tommmcatt

WND can lie with every other breath and feel right as rain, but let the emanation of the penumbra of acceptance of Gays fall upon a candidate, no matter how carefully couched in their fake "states rights" bullshit, and all of a sudden they need a Silkwood shower.

Conservatives are foul creatures, like cockroaches and rats.

emmelemm

Cockroach and rat libel!

Seriously, man, cockroaches and rats just want to scuttle around doing their cockroach-y and ratty things in peace. Comparing them to fundy wingnuts is just hurtful.

BlueStateLibel

Rats are actually cool when you get to know them. And there's a wonderful account of a (socialist) rat helping a crippled rat across a street. I'm reminded of that immortal line from Aliens 2, yes, the alien monsters are butt ugly and nasty, "But at least you don't see them screwing each other over."

emmelemm

Isn't the full quote even better: "Screwing each other over for a percentage"?

JackObin

I'm guessing a gay marriage did not spawn Rick Perry or that Norwegian Messiah. Ergo, gay marriage is a positive step. How can it be worse than what the dick meeting vagina has brought us?

MissusBarry

I think I need a louder platform to inform gay-bashers of the enormity of my hatred for gay-bashers. Haters will hate…and there's no bottom to the depths of my hatred for Ricky and his ilk.

Slim_Pickins

God seems to be dumping the rain on Chicago that he didn't dump on Texas. Thanks, but enough is enough, buy a clue Tx.

Come here a minute

At least it's a dry hate.

randcoolcatdaddy

Obviously, in Texas, the road to hell is paved with incompetence.

DahBoner

Isn't it time Perry stopped praying to God and call in the big guns?

You know.

Bono…

Negropolis

Harpo Libel! How dare you blaspheme Mother Oprah by putting above her some common Irishman!

comrad_darkness

>The state is coming off its driest nine-month period ever and its hottest June on record. More than 90 percent of the state is in the two most severe drought stages.

At least there's no global climate change. Amiright?

tessiee

Of course you're right, and anyone who says otherwise is both a fool and a traitor.
Also, the Federal government is incompetent and crooked, so the Feds shouldn't bail out Texas.

Does Rick realize that shooting the clouds doesn't actually make them pour out rain?

Lionel[redacted]Esq

Probably, but do you know a better way to cover up having a small dick?

Biel_ze_Bubba

I thought that's what his Hummer was for.

not that Dewey

That picture of Perry looks like that scene from that Firefly episode where Frederick Lehne is the corrupt governor who got the prostitute pregnant and right before the deadly firefight at the whorehouse is rallying the teatard lackeys by shooting guns from the balcony while the prostitute who sold out her friends is giving him a blowjob.

Barrelhse

I thought that was Paul Revere?

not that Dewey

Needs more ringing bells.

Guppy06

Unfortunately, I gotta give the guy props for finally showing a shred of ideological consistency on states' rights, if only for a fleeting moment.

Biel_ze_Bubba

Hey, it's one thing for Romney to hide his commie-socialist health-care program behind states' rights, but there's a limit. Failing to hate gays enough is just way over the line.

OzoneTom

Wait. I thought that Rick Perry was supposed to be gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Just with all of all the other stuff that he is.

BTW, I expected the alt-text to be "Yee-haw!". Except that might not be as funny since that is what he was really sayin' at the time.

Negropolis

Time to start sacrificing some Texas virgins. What's that? Oh, there is no such thing? Ok, time for Plan B, guys.

And, here I am surrounded by these massive inland seas we call the Great Lakes…

Rotundo_

Not one solitary drop for those fuckers. Give them any at all and they will have the entire basin dry as a bone from watering the sand with grass on it they call lawns. The golf courses can go brown, whatever, but not one drop. Every time there's a drought down south some cracker comes up with that idea: Fortunately they have to deal with an international jurisdiction, not just the US on this. If it were a matter of just the US they would have been pumped dry and sent to Tejas and Aridzona decades ago.

Ken Cuccinelli

A while ago a teacher told me that the Great Lakes states plus the Canadian provinces in question had signed some kind of pact to basically surround the lakes and be all like, "Oh, you want some water? I'll bet you do!" in the coming water catastrophe in the American South, when the 800 year old retirees in Arizona start to shrivel up…more than usual anyway.

Terry

Sooooo, will Perry be asking the Federal government for disaster relief related to the drought? Or has he already asked and spent the money?

Walkinwiddaking

He is aiming the pistol in the wrong direction. If he would just put the pistol in his mouth he would get a share of the Gay vote. As an added bonus, if he pulled the trigger he would get my vote.

SudsMcKenzie

Looks like "Tropical Don" went down on Texas, I can only assume this is what Rick had everyone praying for.

Negropolis

OT: Boehner just sneaked his plan through the House with the Dem caucus not even losing a single vote (surprise! I know), and Harry Reid almost immediately called for a vote to kill it in the Senate. And, Turtle McConnell had something to say and they just kind of ignored his ass. Haute Kabuki, this is.

I'm to the point where I just want it all to end. Don't raise the fucking ceiling for all I care.

I'm with you. What's another trillion dollars? It's all going to go to the military while they slash social programs anyway.

They keep saying "oh, young people don't expect to have social security." But uh… I've been paying into it for about 18 years now, and those motherfuckers in congress really ought to know that I damn well am expecting to get my money back.

HistoriCat

I think we may be in a situation where we need to hit bottom before coming to our senses. Well, not us – I think you know who I mean.

Negropolis

I know what and who you mean; I'm just depressed that we'll have to take the pain along with them.

Goonemeritus

From the linked worldnetdaily piece.

"If America is to rediscover its greatness, citizens of all 50 states will need to rediscover the common values that brought us together as a nation in the first place – not just all go out and do our own thing, with every man doing what is right in his own eyes. The only viable alternative is, quite literally, a break-up of the nation. "

Yes please go, I have a list of States and a wonderful Bon voyage fruit basic for each of you.

"not just all go out and do our own thing, with every man doing what is right in his own eyes."

So WND is praising early America as socialistic commune where individual freedom must take second place to the common good? Very. Interesting.

But I guess they mean not being gay, not like, not demanding tax breaks for your private jet while people starve, unemployment is at 20%, and the country is literally going to pieces.

DashboardBuddha

We must destroy the nation to save it?

Biel_ze_Bubba

"…citizens of all 50 states will need to rediscover the common values (our values, not yours) that brought us together as a nation,"

You gotta learn to read between the lines.

DashboardBuddha

"And, it’s a hardship that’s following close on the heels of others. Texas. Ethiopia suffered droughts in 2005-06 and 2008-09, although those were mostly regional. This year’s is broader and more intense. The country is coming off its driest nine-month period ever and its hottest June on record. More than 90 percent of the nation is in the two most severe drought stages."

It will be a matter of time before Mexico sends in Special Forces teams to help protect the distribution of UN relief supplies.

Barrelhse

Hamas is sneaking over the border as we speak.

Lionel[redacted]Esq

It's always heartwarming to see a prejudice defeated by a deeper prejudice.

—Lone Star

Lionel[redacted]Esq

You would think at some point these God fearing Christians would notice that the places that seem to be under God's wrath are not those with the ghaez, the negros, the Socialists or even the educated.

Then again, you would think that the GOP would at some point notice that those states that adopt their policies are all cesspools.

Or that they have been basically in control of the Federal Government, and have imposed their vision for most of the last 30+ years.

Fuck it. Let's go bomb another country.

PalinPussyPower

Gay.

Jukesgrrl

To get advice on how Republican governors handle weather emergencies, Rick should call Chris "I'm going to Disney World!" Christie.