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Thursday, March 8, 2012

“The Craigslist Experiment” (Part Two)

Miss-Adventures: AHaplessHelplessHopeless Dater

Killing time one day, Nugget and I were
having a conversation about the types of people we wanted to date. She and I basically have the same personality
criteria for the people we want in our lives: kind, funny, drama-free,
well-spoken and intelligent, etc. The
only difference we have in our search for potential mates is in the packaging.

Me:So really...
we need to find the same person to date. Except you need the boi version and I
need the hyper girly version. I think we
should write one joint CL ad. The bois are yours and the femmes are mine.

Nugget: Okay!

Me: It could be a genius plan

Nugget: Let’s do it!

This is what
I love about Nugget. She is game for every stupid idea,
shenanigan, antic, hijinx and the ilk that I can propose. We weren’t even drinking when we agreed to
write a joint Craigslist personal ad!

Our Craigslist ad:

"Not Your Run of the Mill Ad"

Let me break this down for you simply:
We are two attractive, smart, professional, witty and devastatingly
charming single girls who are strictly platonic besties trying our best to
navigate our way through this crazy, mixed up and often unforgiving gay dating
pool. Please don’t get the wrong
idea. This is not a solicitation for a
three-way romp. We’re each looking for
our own lobster, soul mate, girlfriend, ladyfriend, Friday night gal, or
whatever phrase you’d like to choose for “someone to date”.

About us

Girl Number One (also known as “The Tall One”)

[ ] years old with brown hair and
hazel-brown eyes, a motorcycle-riding girly tomboy who’s most comfortable in
her jeans, boots and long hair pulled into a ponytail. She’s honest, direct
(sometimes to a fault), kind-hearted, active and adventurous, girl-next-door,
sassy and sarcastic, down-to-earth, totally laid back, loyal and fiercely
protective of loved ones. She has a
special weakness for girls with a great sense of adventure and an adrenaline
streak. She also loves long intimate,
existential and tangential conversations combined with hysterical fits of
laughter over wine, coffee or long walks and is the world’s greatest fan of
cuddling, spooning and prolonged snogging.

Girl Number Two (also known as “The Little One”)

A [ ] year old femme
brunette who’s as tiny as she is fierce. She climbs rocks, yells at football
games, and owns power tools, all while looking fabulous in heels and a skirt.
Take her to the farmer’s market and she’ll cook you a brunch that will have you
writing home to mama. Take her someplace that shows her your exceptional
personality on the first date, and you’ll have HER writing home to mama. She’s
a coffee snob, a wine lover, and a book worm. She’s got a laugh like champagne,
a disarming smile, and will definitely beat you at Scrabble. Don’t get this one
wrong, she may look like a diva, but she’ll treat her partner like a prince.

Who We’re Looking For

The Tall One is looking for someone between the ages of [ ] to [
], while The Little One is after [
] to [ ]. While The Tall One
would prefer a [ city ] resident, and The Little One a [ city
] resident, concessions can be made for those willing to commute. Low maintenance femmes or tomboys make The
Tall One weak-kneed, and The Little One gets starry eyed over tall butches,
genderqueers and FTMs who are clean-cut with an edge. Please be independent, emotionally and
financially stable, smarter than the average bear without being pedantic,
quick-witted, drug and drama free, self-aware but not self-conscious,
spontaneous, capable of laughing at yourself and deeply passionate in every
sense of the word. Please don’t bring
your U-Haul and, for the love of god, please keep your emotional baggage
limited to a carry-on (e.g., talking about your ex in excess of 5 minutes is
cause for immediate ending of date).

Game players need not apply. Poly’s
need not apply. Threesome seekers need
not apply. We are not equal opportunity
daters. You should be single, available,
unattached, and every other euphemism for emotionally and physically available.

Here’s how
this is going to work

Both The Tall
One and The Little One want to hear from you.
Neither of us has veto power over who the other chooses as her date but
we can guaran-damn-tee you that we will be comparing stories, swapping notes
and giving each other feedback as only a bestie can do. Send a photo along with your reply and please
indicate in your RE: line which of us strikes your fancy. Tell us a little about yourself. Bonus points go to you if you can make either
of us laugh and your photo may get one in exchange from your chosen girl. Please be sure that your photo is recent and
includes your face. Fair disclaimer:
X-Rated photos can kill a great sense of anticipation and may not be met with
enthusiasm or interest.

We didn’t get very many replies or e-mails that were
interesting. I’d like to think it was
because we posted this during the busy holiday season and NOT because my idea
was anything less than genius. Then
again, we did get these two responses posted directly to the Craigslist Message
Boards for the world to read, so I could be wrong (but am I, reeaally?):

“Sounds
like a damn Rubik’s Cube. Then the “tall
one” will request that you jump up and down on one foot under a full moon while
her “bestie” sizes up the jiggle factor of your boobs. The two will convene for 16.24 minutes. If white smoke emits from the Vatican you are
free to join the “tall one” for 15 minutes of conversation and a beverage of
her choosing.

Your
post should be called “We Will Put You Through The Mill.”

You
are respectively [ ] and [ ] years of age? Really?

Someone
needs a wing-woman check.”

This response alone was worth the placement of our
ad. I hadn’t laughed so hard in months! Thank you, people of the interwebs! Getting ego-checked on the Craigslist personals site is like having a toothless redneck tell you to mind your manners while you're walking through the flea market. By god, I love you people.