Saturday, May 14, 2011

mish mosh

been so busy with life that i have forgotten to LVIE mine. I have pushed taking care of myself to the wayside, exercising, eating proper, taking time out for me, spiritually, mentally etc. how can i be so lazy?!? i am in a weird spot lately. very angry. very depressed. very stuck.
t & I fight all the time. we found out the house we renting has mold all in ac & we are just breathing all that gunk in. the LL dont want to fix it, in fact they are ignoring us. WTF. I am stressed beyond stressed. i want to pack up & move somewhere clean & safe. i hate feeling like this house is dirty no matter how much i clean it. i hate feeling out of control. so i fight. i pick fights with tony as he isnt seeing the same urge to elave as i have. he is just la la la. not really making much of an effort. of course he has alot of other stuff going on. been moved from road to jail took a huge toll on his self esteem. he feels like less of a man & theres nothing i am doing to help him.
the kids are spoiled...esp the girls. i am pulling away from them so much its scary. i just want to be left alone most of the tme. i cant get happy or excited about things. UNLESS i take some percoset...they are my magic pills. they help me feel normal, happy, social, talkative. I am so confused.
I eat allll the time now, binge is my middle name. I am on weight watchers & never track my food. Great plan, right???
i am always feeling so overwhelmed by life in general that stuffing my face makes me feel good. it helps me forget, or taking a pill puts me in a different mood. I jus tdont know...