entry 3--trying to cope with loss.........

THE NEXT DAY CAME....TRYING TO CONVINCE MYSELF THAT I COULD STAND UP AND BE STRONG FOR MY SON, TY.HE DEFINITELY NEEDED ME TO BE. I HAD BEEN UP THE REMAINDER OF THE NITE WATCHING HIM SLEEP ON THAT PULL-IN COT. I WAS SO TERRIFIED. I DIDNT EVEN BELIEVE THAT THIS COULD ALL BE HAPPENING TO ME. BUT THERE WASNT MUCH TIME TO FIGURE OUT DETAILS OR CONCLUDE ANYTHING. TY WAS BEGINNING TO MOVE AROUND, AND I REALIZED HOW WONDERFUL IT WAS TO SEE AT LEAST 1 BABY TURN OUT OK. THANK GOD HE HAD DECIDED TO STAY BEHIND, AT THE NIEGHBORS. THE SECOND MORNING WAS JUST AS BAD AS THE FIRST. I DIDNT KNOW WHAT I WAS EVEN DOING FOR WEEKS. DON HAD TO GUIDE ME THROUGH EVERY MOTION. SEE, TIF HAD TO GO TO A SEPERATE HOSPITAL, BECAUSE OF HER AGE, AND THREE TRAUMAS AT A TIME, PRIMARY CHILDRENS TOOK THE TWOO BABIES, AND TIF WAS AT A DIFF HOSPITAL. SO MY DAYS WERE SOUNDING LIKE; TARA, WE HAVE TO GOT TO TRISTINS HOSP. YOU HAVE TO SIGN A TRANSFUSION RELEASE....HEY TARA, WE HAVE TO SEE TIF, ANOTHER SURGERY RELEASE, BACK TO TRISTINS, HIS SWELLING WORSENED, BACK TO TIF; .....YOU GET THE IDEA. A HORRIBLE NITEMARE FOR ANYONE. (AND STILL TODAY, I PRAY EVERYDAY FOR ALL MOMS. NO ONE SHOULD EVER GO THROUGH THAT. I PRAY FOR ALL KIDS, THE ABILITY TO SMILE.)

I USE TO THINK THAT IT WAS A WEAK SUGGESTION WHEN I WOULD HEAR PEOPLE SAY, "TAKE IT DAY BY DAY". AT THAT MOMENT IN MY LIFE, I WAS STRUGGLING FOR MINUTE BY MINUTE. AND STILL DON WAS CONSTANTLY SAYING, TARA, BREATHE...UR NOT BREATHING." HOW I WISH I COULD TAKE BACK MY COMMENTS THAT MIGHT HAVE MADE THAT ONE PERSON FEEL LIKE A QUITTER, INSTEAD OF SURVIVING DAY TO DAY. I FEEL AWFUL ABOUT THAT TO THIS DAY. AND I PROUDLY ADMIT THAT AS OF RIGHT NOW, I HAVE GRADUATED UP TO DAY BY DAY.

AS WEEKS WENT BY, TIF GOT TO GO HOME. I STAYED WITH TRISTIN, AND TY , WHO WAS STAYING WITH FRIENDS,ALONG WITH DON, BROUGHT TIF HOME. THE DRS SAID IT WOULD BE ABOUT 6 MONTHS BEFORE SHE COULD START TO WALK AGAIN. LITTLE DO THEY KNOW MY CHILDREN. I HAVE THE STRONGEST MINDED, BRAVEST KIDS IN THE WORLD. TIF WANTED TO FINISH UP THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEK OF SCHOOL.8th GRADE.SHE COULD ONLY START OFF A HALF OF A DAY, IT WAS ALOT ON HER. 2nd PART OF THE DAY, SHE SPENT SLEEPING... IT REALLY WORE HER OUT. SHE BEGAN WALKING ON A CANE WITHIN 2 WEEKS, AND YOU COULD IMAGINE HOW WONDERFUL IT WAS TO WATCH HER WALK ACROSS THAT GYM STAGE AT HER 8TH GRADE GRADUATION.

MEANWHILE, TRISTIN AND I STARTED OUR ONE ON ONE THERAPY. I TALKED TO HIM ALL OF THE TIME. WHEN THEY TOLD ME HE WOULDNT EVER TRUELY WAKE UP, PANIC FLARED. BUT ONLY FOR A MINUTE OF TWO.I REMEMBERED WHO THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT. MY SON. MY SON!! ALTHOUGH I HAD BEEN SLAPPED IN THE FACE WITH THE REALIZATION THAT THE WORST POSSIBLE SITUATION COULD VERY WELL OCCUR, I HAD TO BELIEVE HE WOULD PULL THROUGH. IWAS PREPARED TO LIVE RIGHT THERE IN THAT HOSPITAL ROOM, IF NEEDS BE, FOR AS LONG OF A TIME PERIOD THAT TRISTIN NEEDED TO HEAL HISSELF. DRS SAY THAT IF SWELLING ON THE BRAIN DOESNT BEGIN TO DEMINISH AFTER 48 HOURS, CHANCES ARE BAD THAT THE PATIENT WILL RECOVER. 6 DAYS IN TO THIS NIGHTMARE OF AN ORDEAL, I WAS SITTING BY HIM, READING ELMO. I LOOKED UP AT HIS BROKEN UP LIL BODY, ALL IN A HALF BODY CAST, METAL BOLT IN HIS BRAIN, MACHINES ALL OVER HIM, I STOOD UP, AND KISSED HIS HEAD. THE BEST THAT I COULD. I REMEMBER BEGGING GOD TO LET ME KEEP HIM. THAT NIGHT, TRISTIN OPENED HIS EYES FOR THE FIRST TIME..........

HIS EXPRESSIONS ON HIS FACE MADE IT TOTALLY OBVIOUS THAT THERE WAS NO ONE THERE.(IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.) LONG, COLD,BLANK STARE FOR THE NEXT TWO OR THREE DAYS. WE KNEW THAT HE COULD HEAR, BECAUSE HE WOULD TRY TO MOVE HIS HEAD WHEN I TALKED TO HIM.BUT IT WAS SO EASY TO OVERLOAD HIM, WE COULDNT HAVE LIGHT ON, OR SOUND. HE WAS FIGHTING THOUGH. A FEW MORE DAYS IN TO THIS UPHILL FIGHT, THEY HAD JUST CHANGED OUT HIS NG TUBE, AND OF COURSE, MEDICATED HIM. BUT AS I PUT IN A FAVORITE CARTOON OF HIS IN, HE LOOKED OVER AT ME, AND SAID,"BLUE"

HIS FIRST WORD!!!YOU COULDNT EVEN IMAGINE HOW EXCITED I WAS AT THAT GIVEN MOMENT. I NOW KNEW THAT HE COULD TALK, AT LEAST. ALSO, HE REMEMBERED THINGS FROM BEFORE, AND THAT HIS THOUGHT PROCESS WAS WORKING . AT WHAT EXTENT WAS TO BE DETERMINED LATER,AND STILL LATER FROM TODAY. THE BRAIN IS TRUELY AMAZING...................MORE TO COME.........