It was Sunday, and we were having dinner with my future mother-in-law on the balcony at sundown. My Greek counterpart called our friend “Wife” to ask how she was to which she inquired when we’d last talked to “Husband.” Though my fiancé had spoken to Husband only two days before, it was clear he avoided a major subject and we were in the dark. Something was disclosed, and the phone conversation ended quickly.

Because my future mother-in-law knows our friends and their parents personally, my partner purposely withheld the contents of the conversation and changed the subject. I didn’t push because I understood it was private and likely something bad. Within seconds of finishing dessert, my Greek counterpart rushed us out of there, we got into the car and he told me that Wife and “Son” moved out and were no longer living with Husband.

On the way home, we speculated about what it could be. We knew there were some issues with Husband spending thousands of euros on self-indulgent shopping instead of using the money to pay for household expenses, which Wife pays with her now part-time salary since agreeing to stay home almost full time to take care of their 2-year-old son. I’d always been bothered by the restraint I felt from Wife, as if she had secrets. Husband is also impatient with Son, spends little or no time with him, is annoyed by everything he does and treats him like a house pet. Concern has been expressed by others, both male and female.

Several months ago, I also heard a comment that disturbed me enough to change my opinion of Husband, which I’ve been unable to reverse or forgive. He said, “If Wife doesn’t want to move with me to another country, I’ll do it after I’m divorced and leave her with the kid.” I immediately jumped on his case and told him that whether or not he’s joking, I think it’s a shitty ass thing to say. Since then, my interaction with him is limited.

My fiancé has tried speaking to him about his actions out of concern, but these words fell on deaf ears and met with outrage that it’s none of anyone’s business how he conducts his financial and personal affairs.

Although everyone is innocent until proven guilty, it was difficult for us to not play judge and jury. To us, it was not a matter of guilt but the degree.

Disclosure

I talked to Wife the next morning and made a point of starting the conversation by expressing how upset and worried we are for her, and said that she should only share whatever she feels comfortable with as she is not obligated to tell us everything or anything if she chooses. We respect and support her in whatever she needs and wants.

In a straightforward way without name-calling or wild emotion, she told me that an argument had broken out last Monday night after she put Son to sleep (the night after we saw them and a full week ago!). The yelling woke up Son and he started crying, Husband was further angered by the crying and hit her. (!!!) As she tried to grab their son and run for the door, he locked the door and repeatedly hit her until he unlocked the door and pushed her and her son out the door and into the street with nothing but her purse and the car keys she managed to sneak into her pocket when Husband wasn’t looking. (!!!)

Husband was not drunk, the fight was not physical until he hit her, she went to the hospital but did not need extensive treatment, was at a friend’s house until her parents came back from vacation on Friday and managed to purchase some underwear, clothes, toiletries and other basics. She also filed a police report to gain legal access to collect her things. She and Son are doing fine.

Wife has absolutely no plans to go back or reconcile since she knows if it happens once, it will happen again.

Reaction

The truth was worse than anything we guessed the night before, and I was speechless when she finished.

The only thing I could think to say was the truth: “I have no idea what to say to you, except I’m sorry and I hope you know I deeply care about you and Son, and I’ll be here for anything you need.” After we hung up the phone, I tried to digest what I’d been told before calling my fiancé and breaking the news. He had the same reaction.

Both of us have revisited the same mixed feelings of shock, sadness and confusion.

Charade

If there was a way to immediately cut Husband out of our lives, we would. But, of course, we can’t just yet.

Husband and Wife are our koumbaros and koumbara. Husband is also the son of a fairly well-known local politician in Athens.

My fiancé until today considered Husband one of his best friends, like the big brother he never had. Now he doesn’t know what to do with those feelings or how he might react when he sees him again, which could happen at any time since they train together and see each other at work on occasion.

Husband is also the reason we are friends with Wife and Son, though it’s clear where and with whom our loyalties now lie.

My fiancé doesn’t see any other option but to let the friendship fade away and end, but it will take time. So the charade of pretending we don’t know anything and keeping our mouths shut as requested by Wife begins.

I decided I cannot see Husband because I don’t know whether I would go for his jugular or be diplomatic enough to stay silent and walk away. How do I separate the person who is/was my friend from the person who is a wifebeater and made my other friend a statistic? They’re the same person.

At least I know Wife will be fine. She’s a strong-willed intelligent young woman, athlete, great mother and educated professional with a career, good sense and a strong network of family and friends. The restraint I felt previously is gone, and she’s an outgoing and joyous person.

Why I did this post

I know that domestic violence isn’t a cheery subject, but it’s prevalent in every nation and does not discriminate according to age, race, class, social status, education level or gender. It’s also never been at my doorstep until now.

It got me thinking about the women who are not like Wife — women who may be foreign, may not speak Greek, may not have a job and depend on their husband for financial support, don’t have friends or family to turn to in Greece and/or abroad, feel alone and don’t know what to do, where to go or who to call.

Everyone always talks about how women stay silent and don’t leave, but they don’t tell them who to call to let their voices be heard and where to go if they want to leave.

Where to go for help

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence in Greece — whether it’s physical, psychological, emotional, verbal or $exual — there are people who can help. It’s never too late. Most of the centers are in major cities, however a counselor can dispense advice by phone or may be able to recommend someone local who can provide support and assistance.

Non-EU spouses who hold a residence/work permit because of ties to a Greek citizen retain their permits when domestic abuse has occurred, no matter how long the marriage lasted or the length of stay in Greece.

There is never a good reason to abuse a woman, man, child or animal.

Emergency Hotlines:

Police – Domestic Violence line in Greece
Tel: ‘15900’ ‘179’

The National Center for Immediate Social Assistance
24-hour hotline
Tel: ‘197’

* I don’t have first-hand experience with any of these centers, and I welcome any further contact info that can be added to the list. You can use a nickname or be anonymous, if you’d like to share your experience or advice.

Fast facts

* Domestic abuse is defined by experts as a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over an intimate partner
* It is a myth that domestic violence is committed by lower class people with low education levels
* It occurs just as often among educated doctors and lawyers, it’s not just lower class workers and drug addicts
* There are different forms of abuse: Physical (74%), emotional, psychological (often starts before marriage), verbal and $exual
* 1 in 5 women are abused and 20% of them report that the physical abuse started shortly after getting married and another 20% say it started after getting pregnant
* Only 1 in 20 will ever report it
* More than 30% of women who go to emergency rooms sustain injuries as a result of domestic violence
* Women will stay an average of 4 years in a relationship before leaving, whether by choice or an event that forces them to leave (permanent physical injury, death)
* Half of women murdered each year are killed by their spouse, boyfriend or partner
* Many women suffer from low self-esteem and blame themselves for provoking a man’s behavior — it’s not true!
* New laws will make it possible to arrest, charge and jail a violent spouse without a formal complaint
* Although 90% of abused are women, men are abused also

wow..that is a very powerful article, especially since it relates to your own personal experience and the relationships you and your fiance have with the individuals involved.

In the article you say that the husband was not drunk when the violent incident took place but I am wondering if there is any history or pattern of previous alcohol (or drug) abuse on the part of the husband. Professionally, I have done some clinical work with abuse victims as well as with individuals who themselves were abusers and I often find some form of substance abuse is part of the story.

Unfortunately, in Greece, many Greek men are abusive with their wives. I think if the justice system prosecuted them as severely as the American system, the casual wife beater here in Greece would think twice, but since they generally know nothing happens, they just say “Den Variese” and move on. But, the European Union is slowly making Greece a civilized place, and hopefully this will be eliminated.

I’m glad Wife seems to be back on her feet after this horrible situation. Hopefully she and Son will be much better off now.

I’ve heard things about how Greek men are, and I am quite fortunate with my Greek husband – but the stereotype (which according to many here seems to be true) made some of my overprotective male friends in the U.S. very, very leery of my husband.

If there is an atmosphere of apathy about spousal abuse among men and society here, hopefully it will change. I’m glad you posted all the resources. I hope that some day, when I’ve learned enough Greek, I can volunteer with a local domestic violence center.

What a moving and important article. I am with Mel, I have heard of the stereotype also. My MIL lives next to one man that fits the stereotype. He is always verbally abusive to his wife and son and we all hear it every weekend. About 2 weekends ago he had an argument with his son, who is 15. The language was vulgar, the volume excessive. The son sped away on his moped as the father threw a chair from the balcony at him. The entire beach witnessed the fight. What can anyone do? Not much in this village since the wife’s family owns half of the village and the police are in their pockets. It’s sickening and sad because I know that back home this man would definitely be in court…at the very least…and I would have made sure of it. It’s so corrupt here. What really pisses me off is that I will take my kids away for a “time out” and everyone seems to have a problem with THAT, but not when a man is trying to kill his son or wife. Go figure.

Great article. I passed it on to an old and dear friend in Mobile, Alabama who founded the first shelter for battered women, the Penelope House, in Alabama in 1980. Today there are 19 such shelters throughout Alabama. It just goes to show what one person can do.

IDK- Why thanks! I expected to have no comments on this post and understandably so. It’s one of those subjects no one really talks about, not even me…until now.

Mike – Hey, nice to see you again! In our years of friendship, we’ve never seen any sort of substance abuse. We’re all athletes (which is not to say we’re absolved) and the most I’ve ever seen him drink is a couple of beers. If there were any drugs or alcohol abuse, I’m very very certain Wife would have left long ago. She’s a very strong woman and never forgets about her needs and those of her son.

PIC – The most abuse I’ve seen or experienced at the hands of Greek men is psychological abuse. My friend “E” gets comments from her husband about how fat, ugly and worthless she is. I’ve tried talking to her about leaving, but her parents are in frail health and she doesn’t want to speed their death. I had an ex who used to tell me unflattering things about myself all the time, but I’ve always been quite solid even in the worst of times so his words were empty to me.

I think laws need to get tougher, sure. But I also think a culture shift needs slow reformation because both men and women’s attitudes about themselves and respect for others need change. That’ll take a long time.

Mel – I’ve never heard stereotypes about Greek men regarding this subject, and my fiance says it’s an ancient history thing so I don’t know if it still exists or is just hidden better. The only reference to this subject was in a book I read a long time ago and didn’t see any evidence to back the claim. Abuse happens all over the world, as I’m sure you know from being an intelligent, informed woman. Stats are about the same in Canada, America and parts of Europe. But in those countries, the law is enforced.

I’m sure these places need women who not only speak Greek, but English and many other languages. Don’t discount your desire to help because of language.

My friend was probably more shocked by the situation than traumatized. If you met her, you’d know she can take care of herself and her son quite well without the future ex. But we appreciate your good thoughts.

Cheryl – The hypocrisy that exists here is something I’ve never been able to resolve, especially since hypocrisy is a Greek word. Things like this don’t make sense in my world, and people’s apathy toward this kind of caveman behavior is unacceptable. However, when I try to intervene, I’m told to mind my own business because I’m foreign and don’t know how things work here. Gees, OK. And I’m thinking, “hey you’re Greek and you do know how things work here so why don’t you move into the 21st century?” Why are you still saying things like, “The woman is like an octopus — the more you beat her, the softer she becomes?”

I also find it ludicrous that people say things like, “We’re not like the USA where people ignore you if you fall; if you fall down in Greece, someone will always come and pick you up off the sidewalk.” If that’s true, why doesn’t anyone stop a woman and child from being beaten or killed? First, I’ve had a lot of people come to my aid, even in busy “rude” places like Manhattan; and not come to my aid in Athens. Second, what’s more important, picking someone up after they’ve fallen or preventing physical injury and death? Seems like a no-brainer to me.

Update: Wife disclosed that she consulted a lawyer and asked Husband for a divorce previously, and he would not sign the papers. He hadn’t hit her until this night, but she could see their marriage wasn’t working. More details were disclosed and added to the post, as well.

On Wednesday, Husband called Wife to demand an explanation regarding why she was “keeping his son away” from him for the past 10 days. She had no reply and hung up.

Their lawyers met and Husband agreed to allow Wife to pick up her things, during which Son refused to enter the home and tried several times to leave when brought back into the house. Husband apologized, admitted his actions were stupid and is asking for a reconciliation. Wife has already made up her mind and filed for divorce.

Husband has called and seen my fiance a few times, and it’s been really hard for him to not blurt out the truth so he keeps it to a few words, says he’s busy and hangs up. It just makes my fiance so angry that Husband is chilled and goes on with life as if nothing happened — we suspect he’s counting on a reconciliation, so he never needs to disclose what he did. His deed will be made public soon enough or require a great deal of money to silence the media — he’s the son of a politician.

Hi, I read your story – and since my sister is in an abusive relationship in Athens I just copied it and I am sending it to her with all the Help Phone numbers attached. The sad part is many women are to afraid to leave because they’ve been abused so long. I told her to get a good lawyer and form an action plan. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you for the story I hope ‘wife’ and ‘son’ can put this experience behind them and get on with enjoying their life – many Greeks know this happens – but do not want to get involved – personally I have heard Greek men say ‘She needs hitting – that’ll teach her’ and even more horrifying is that I have seen Greek women agree with this!

What can you expect from a nation that has films / series aimed at all ages where there’s a scene where a woman gets smacked across the face .. from the early ‘comedy’ black and whate films to the present day programmes.

Wife is an educated, forward thinking woman with her own career and supportive family and friends, so it was quite easy for her to move on. She has her own home, her own practice and lawyers handling her divorce, which is proceeding nicely. Husband been seen around town with several women of questionable character.

Thank you for your good wishes.

To the women who are out there and think they are alone or there is no way out, please reach out and call the numbers I provided. Once you break away, there are caring people to support you and your children on a path to safety and a better life that includes freedom, protection and happiness you deserve.

I just happened to see your article, and I have to say thank you for publishing those numbers because I was that someone who didn’t speak the language, didn’t have any friends or know who to call. I had no money, and no citizenship. My situation was very abusive and luckily I made it out, but I would never want to go back to those days spent in fear. Thank you again for putting this article out there because when I was in Greece I felt like I was alone and that no one cared and I had no idea how i was going to get out. Hopefully those phone numbers can help someone who is in trouble that doesn’t speak the language or know anyone at all.

First, I am very happy to find this website and read the stories. To many people’s surprise, Greece is one of the EU countries that is non-compliant when it comes to international law. In addition, the Greek judiciary system does not protect foreigners who legally live in Greece.

Just yesterday, I was speaking with a good friend of mine who lives in Skiathos Island whose husband owns a pharmacy. She told me that he has been abusing her by calling names, not letting her finish her Veterinary degree and most of all and finally, he hit her on Sunday night with her son on hand. When she went to the police, they hold her that if she files police a report it will not be good for the pharmacy business that her husband owns and she will lose her 3 year old son, and 5 months old daughter if she brings divorce case. According to the police, her husband will have a full custody of the children if she were to go back to her country.

We need help and please contact me if you can help.

Kat Reply:October 6th, 2011 at 01:00

Greece is not compliant on many important laws concerning basic human dignity and living standards, which partly explains the mess it confronts today with the world watching.

Concerning your friend. I apologize for the delay, but I’ve been thinking long and hard about what can be done. The fact she lives on an island, and probably a small village, presents some unique problems:
a) Everyone knows each other and their professional/personal business;
b) people take sides;
c) there are few opportunities and options;
d) there’s nowhere to go if you’re in trouble and need to get away from the people you thought you could trust.

It’s also Greece, a patriarchal country where men and Greeks come first. This does not bode well, in general, for women and for foreigners.

What the police say is only partially true. Filing a police report in itself won’t hurt her husband’s pharmacy business. More like rumors will spread (see ‘a’), people will judge and perhaps take sides (see ‘b’) and this will have a trickle-down effect — his business may suffer, he may be angered further, and your friend may be blamed and suffer more. Filing for divorce will not in itself cause her to lose the children, especially if she’s been their primary caregiver since birth, and domestic violence could easily swing the court’s decision in her favor. Also, he would almost certainly be ordered to pay alimony and child support by a court.

In an ideal situation, the divorce would be consensual, custody would be agreed on, lawyers would only be needed to file simple papers, and the ex-husband would pay for her and the children’s upkeep in a home away from him. In a less than ideal situation, he could contest the divorce, make custody demands, drag out divorce proceedings that would require lots of lawyer fees, refuse to pay alimony or child support and leave her homeless with no money, would need to be sued, etc. and this could take several years. What happens to her could be one of two extremes or anything in between.

If she were to go back to her country, her husband would not necessarily have full custody. Police are not telling the whole story. Because a child’s passport requires the consent of both parents, her husband could refuse to sign the applications and prevent the children from leaving Greece. It happens a lot, and there are a lot of foreign women trapped in Greece under these circumstances. This would leave her with two choices:
1) Stay in Greece and retain custody of the children until they turn 14 (or whatever the country’s age limitation is) and can get passports of their own;
2) return to her country and leave the children in Greece. If she leaves temporarily and comes back, she could retain custody rights. If she leaves for an extended period, her husband could say the children were ‘abandoned’ and then appeal to a court to award him full custody.

Without police or hospital documentation of domestic abuse, she has no case to sway a court on divorce, custody or alimony. And if she decides to go through with it, she needs to have a course of action and the emotional and financial support to carry it through.

Too often, foreign women come to Greece to marry a Greek and have children under the ether of love, not thinking twice about giving up their careers, identities and incomes or whether the law will protect them if trouble arises down the road. Beyond the resources listed above in the article, the only help I can offer is preventative and informational. I feel for her and all the women facing the same situation, but there’s not much I can do after someone is years into a marriage with children and had no plan B or plan C of their own.

I appreciate your concern and comment, and I wish only the best outcome for your friend and her children.

Thank you so much for your informative reply. It seems that, my friend is in deep problem. I had her read your comment and she feels she is trapped with a bad marriage. As a matter of fact, years before she got married, she was a student and was legally staying in Greece perusing her Vet degree. Now that she is married to this man and has two kids, he is not allowing her to finish her degree. What is more, it is not only he who is verbally abusing her, but also his mother and brother. They tell her that, had it not been for the kids, they would have thrown her out on the street. They also say, she can take her 6 months old daughter and go back to homeland but leave the 3 year old son with them. Her husband told her recently, if his business does well over the summer, he will divorce her and take custody of the kids, otherwise, he will toss her dead body in a ocean so no one would find her.

I really don’t know how much longer she can take verbal and physical abuse from this people. The thing is that, I know for sure she would sacrifice her life for her kids. She is not only nursing her 6 months old baby daughter, but also the 3 year old son, too; which shows how much she loves and cares for them.

So, it is impossible for her to leave her kids behind and go back to her homeland. Secondly, even if they divorce and she has to stay in Greece, how will she be able to take care of her two kids, and get an employment with the current economical situation in Greece.

Thanks for reading and we welcome any help we can find.

Just a note, in spite of all this, my friend wants her children to have a good relationship with their father because she can’t imagine herself without a loving father who often calls her and tells her to be patient and work hard on her marriage.

Kat Reply:October 19th, 2011 at 21:59

As I said in my original reply, Greece puts Greeks and men first, which is why her husband and his family don’t want her or her daughter and want to keep her son.

He won’t be able to take full custody of the children if she has been the main caregiver; he’d be lucky to get visitation if she had documented evidence of abuse, but without it she has no case. On alimony, what a spouse gave up in order for the other to prosper is also factored into how much she would be awarded, and this is probably what your friend would live on, assuming they come to terms. I don’t have more to add or offer in the way of help that I haven’t already, as there are limits to what I can do.

Hello. I was searching about domestic violence in Greece and google provided this article. If there is still someone reading and checking this comments please give me an advise. I’ m living a story of my own. I’m a foreigner 27yo woman from a non-English speaking country married with a cretan man. We met in internet and married half year after. I came in Crete 3 months in summer then went back to my country, now I’m back here from November. My husband is 28, jobless. We live under his parents. He is abusing me verbally calling putana, prostitute, whore, short, fat and all this kind of staff. He say this with very cold and calm face. If I dare to respond him back he calls his mother and complains that I ofend him. I am not allowed to leave the house without asking him permission. I have no money, and the only privat access to internet is via WiFi mobile coz the internet access from laptop is controled with specific programs like keylogger I am totally alone here. I have no friends. I try to learn Greek by myself. Hopefully from April I will start working in a touristic company. When he treats me bad and I tell him that i will leave him and divorce he threatens me that will pay people to hit me with a car or kill me in the sea. And if i will go back to my country he will use our private videos to embarrass me and will post them in sites for adults. I am not sure if he has this kind of videos with me. Please advise me something, anything, what to do. It is difficult to leave him cozy of fear but as well, maybe it will sound weird but I care about him and somehow fell attached. I will apreciat any of your comments. Thanks.

Kat Reply:March 6th, 2012 at 11:19

In general, meeting someone from a different country on the Internet is unwise. I understand it works out for some people, but people can easily pretend and hide behind the Internet to be someone they’re not and this is dangerous when deciding to marry someone in such a short time (less than a year).

There’s nothing wrong with visiting a man, but he should put forward the effort first. I would never give up my life and move countries to be with a man; I would expect him to move to my country. This is particularly important when it comes to Greek men because they are spoiled since birth and are used to having everything their way. When a woman moves to him, he is under the impression he has all the power and controls her. That’s exactly what you’re facing.

When a man calls you names, does not allow you freedom, watches your movements, threatens to kill you and cannot act like an adult (i.e., he tells his mommy), he does not love you and is not worthy of your love or caring or attachment. This is a small child in love with himself; there is no room for you and he will never grow up.

Ask help from friends back home to get you out. Or I hope that you start working for any company not connected to his family; open a bank account in your name without his knowledge but not with your home address; save money to leave suddenly one day, take nothing if necessary and win your safety and freedom. He cannot read your thoughts. He cannot hit you with a car or drown you in the sea if you are gone, and posting videos (even if it’s true; I think it’s lies) is a minor concern compared to the life you’re living.

It’s difficult, I know. But you must find the strength if you love yourself. You can meet someone better, someone who will truly love and appreciate you.

i am begging you if you are still i greece please help me. i’m british cypriot dual nationality 6 month old dd born in cy. husband is military stationed bulgarian boarder no job no car very isolated much to his convinience. he won’t let me leave with her.

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