NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions.

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Spurning his deepest and most ardent desires, local man Mark Werner reportedly betrayed his heart Thursday by telling a friend he was dining with that he could have the last dumpling.

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

LAKE ZURICH, IL—In an effort to provide customers with a more practical product that better suits their typical usage, office supplies manufacturer Mead released a new realistic day planner this week that only includes entries for the first couple weeks after its purchase.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘We’re Excited About This, But Silt Research Certainly Isn’t For Everyone,’ Say Geologists

BOULDER, CO—A team of geologists from the University of Colorado announced at a press conference Wednesday that they had made a significant discovery concerning the world’s silt deposits, but stated that they understand if you aren’t interested in that sort of thing.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

CHICAGO—Promising that every effort would be made to limit the impact on residents’ day-to-day lives, Chicago officials announced Wednesday that a fleet of plows was working around the clock to clear more than 18 inches of fresh bullet casings that had blanketed the metropolitan area overnight.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

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More News

Obama Earns Money For U.S. By Appearing In Japanese Television Commercial

A scene from the president's advertisement for Glico Pretz Ham & Cheese.

A scene from the president's advertisement for Glico Pretz Ham & Cheese.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to obtain badly needed revenue for the ailing U.S. economy, President Barack Obama recently appeared in a 30-second television spot for the popular Japanese snack product Glico Pretz Ham & Cheese, White House sources reported Wednesday.

According to aides, the advertisement will air nationally throughout Japan and will feature the president endorsing a savory, stick-shaped cracker snack manufactured by the Ezaki Glico corporation, which agreed to pay Obama a one-time fee of $300,000 plus residuals, compensation to be used exclusively for U.S. economic stimulus purposes.

"While the president does not ordinarily endorse retail products, he was willing to make an exception for Glico Pretz Ham & Cheese as a way of easing the current financial burden on our country," said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, stressing that the commercial's quick, two-day shoot outside of Yokohama took little time out of Obama's schedule and was of the highest production quality. "Also, we have been assured by Ezaki Glico CEO Katsuhisa Ezaki that the TV advertisement, and accompanying billboard and bus ads, will only be seen in Japan and will portray the president in a very flattering, elegant light befitting a world leader of his stature."

Representatives for Ezaki Glico confirmed this week that the visually opulent ad will feature the president wearing swim trunks and relaxing with a group of young Japanese male friends by the side of an animated swimming pool filled with melted cheese and ham.

According to sources involved in its production, the spot will also contain a video montage of a smiling President Obama hitting a baseball, playing the cello, and dancing with a pair of beautiful Japanese women before biting into a ham-and-cheese-flavored cracker and saying directly into the camera, in Japanese, "I like the big taste of Pretz, the perfect snack with the big crunch."

Ezaki Glico marketing executives said the ad, which features a brief three-second shot of film actress Meg Ryan riding on horseback with Obama, was greatly bolstered by the president's participation.

"Everyone in Japan knows the face of Barack Obama, and we believe he is the perfect man to share loving words about the delicious Pretz snack," Ezaki Glico marketing executive Kiyotaka Shimamori said through a translator, adding that the president was very cooperative throughout the nearly 50 takes required to film a special green-screened "moon sequence." "Mr. Obama looks very good in the commercial holding the Pretz snack, eating the Pretz snack, and dancing with the pretty girls."

While refusing to comment on the issue at length, President Obama did take a moment out of a press conference Wednesday to address his appearance in the commercial.

"Again, this was a simple revenue-generating measure and in no way does it present a conflict of interest for me or my administration," the president told reporters. "That being said, in accordance with my contract with the Ezaki Glico corporation, I would like to briefly add that Glico Pretz Ham & Cheese is a fine product, a delicious product, and one that I fully endorse for snacking morning, afternoon, and night."

The president then procured a bag of Pretz Ham & Cheese snacks from behind the lectern, smiled, and sang a 10-second Pretz advertising jingle in Japanese for the assembled press corps.