Chinese disappointed by Clarkson-Panda swap

The arrivals of the Pandas Sweetie and Sunshine delighted the Scots. But the Chinese are said to be puzzled and a little saddened by the reciprocal arrival of a rare and temperamental British specimen, almost certainly on the edge of extinction. “Clarkson will certainly try and mate while he in China,” his keeper, Andrew Millman promised. “ It is in his nature to find one or more females and try and mate with them as quickly as he can, though unlike Pandas, the pairing is unlikely to last. Indeed he may have tried to do this on the flight. Whether he succeeds, and whether any offspring will result, and whether it would be fair on the world to release it into the wild - these are all questions we may have to address.”

Before his arrival, though, a wave of Clarksonmania hit China, with Chinese students of English eager to learn new phrases like “Train jumper”, “hate-figure” , “tuck your fucking shirt in”, "Cotswolds set", "You look gorgeous Samantha/Rebekah" and “minor public school”. Many local officials have expressed sincere agreement with his views on shooting protesters, which made his arrival the more eagerly anticipated. Clarkson too was said to be looking forward to his visit to China, with its high pollution levels and uncluttered roads. As part of the visit, Clarkson will drive a tank erratically across Tiananmen Square, humorously appearing to endanger pedestrians, which his keeper said was just the kind of thing to perk him up.

But when his special container was lowered to the ground at Beijing International Airport, Clarkson was sitting motionless in a corner looking disconsolate. “I just wish I could go back to Francie”, he was heard to mutter. Journalist Ha Guan Sheng in his column for the China Daily wrote “This is the height of bad manners, to be the honoured guest of one country and to be openly wishing to return to another.”