10 Things You Should Never Do to His Balls, According to a Guy

Penises are simple. They’re like fireworks: same basic shape, light the fuse, wait a little bit, big loud ending. Male bodies have but one complicating factor. Well, technically two. And there’s another thing if you’re feeling really adventurous, but ignore that for now.

Delicate but durable, like your favorite brand of paper towels, balls are a paradox. It is a cruel twist of fate that the most fragile part of a man’s body just dangles willy-nilly right between his legs, open to the elements and rogue table corners and the kicks of toddlers throughout time. In the right hands, balls can be a magical thing. In the wrong hands, everyone is crying and dry heaving.

In the interest of preserving testes everywhere, here are nine things you should never, ever do to balls. Think of these like the Kosher laws, in that they tell you what not to do, and leave the rest up to your interpretation.

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Hit Them

This is Balls 101. Don’t hit, tap, smack, slap, or kick the huevos of any man you aren’t trying to physically destroy. It hurts. It hurts a lot. It also makes you nauseous about 15 seconds afterward, which is confusing. If you are dating a Christian Grey type who wants you to step on his junk in a pair of high heels or whatever, lace up your Louboutins and start stomping. But otherwise, stay away.

By the way, there are no degrees of ball-hitting like there are with murder. Premeditated, accidental, vehicular, “playful,” whatever—don’t do it.

When it’s omelet time, do you just drag your bear claws through the carton and rip out two eggs like a grizzly fishing for salmon? No, you select them gently and place them down carefully on the counter. Handle his balls like you would handle those really expensive organic eggs from Whole Foods—uh, at least up until the part where you smash them and empty the contents into a frying pan.

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Pull On Them

Handle with care at all times, and don’t pull on them like you’re Quasimodo ringing the bell in Notre Dame Cathedral. This goes double for if you’re trying to get your guy closer to you in bed. Grab his hand, and pull him closer. Hey, you can even grab his member and pull on that—those things are practically indestructible. But pulling his balls is an ineffective way to get him to move anywhere other than the fetal position.

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Squeeze Them Too Hard

They aren’t stress balls, so don’t stress balls. Most men have one person in their life who is allowed to squeeze their balls: a doctor. There is nothing sexy about doctors, despite 26 combined seasons of Grey’s Anatomy and ER. If you honk on his danglers too hard, your man will turn his head and cough like a Pavlovian response. It will not be sexy for anyone, though you may be able to tell if he has a hernia or not.

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Twist Them

It’s fine to juggle balls around a bit or cup them and show them who’s boss. But you know those Chinese stress balls that you swirl around your hand? Don’t ever do that. Actually, do a Google image search for “spontaneous testicular torsion” (although it may make you want to never touch balls again). A good rule of thumb: if you can do it to a Bop-It game, don’t do it to balls.

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Bite Them

Well, not without asking first. In the beginning, God/evolution/L. Ron Hubbard designed your teeth to carve through flesh and mash up plant material and generally destroy anything that comes near them. You see the problem here, yes?

But not all biting was created equal. You ever see a cat pick up a kitten by biting the scruff of its little kitten neck? That’s already too much biting, you maniac. Think of picking up a soup dumpling with chopsticks—too much pressure, and the thing explodes and spills soup all over, and the whole kitchen laughs at your clumsy hands. That exact thing will happen if you bite a guy’s balls, except he will be crying and not laughing.

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Suck Them Too Hard

Contrary to the beliefs of every middle schooler ever, it’s cool to suck! But on the scale from Dustbuster to Dyson to the intake valve on a hydroelectric dam, maybe go easy on those poor little plums.

You’re not sucking the marrow from a bone or even tackling a particularly thick milkshake through a straw. Think: light pressure and no sudden movements once they’re in your mouth. Remember again that teeth are the natural enemy of the balls, like the mongoose and the cobra, or politicians and the truth. Oh, yeah—I went there.

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Shave Them

I won’t even let my barber shave my face, and he has plenty of practice with his own face. So if you’re trying to make your guy let you near his knackers with a knife, you are way out of your element. Do you have any idea how long they make astronauts practice on the simulator before they let them in the shuttle? And that’s just a stupid spacecraft. We’re talking about testicles here. Shaving balls requires the concentration of a ninja, the steady hands of a ninja, and a ninja-forged blade that… you know what, just hire a weird ninja to do it instead.

Did you know that balls are thermometers? It’s true! They can expand and contract depending on internal and external temperature in an effort to preserve precious sperm from getting boiled or frozen.

Some men can even predict the weather with their balls—just like how your grandpa’s knee can tell when it’s going to rain, and about as wrinkly. So try not to blast your guy’s balls with jets of water, or a hairdryer, or put lasagna fresh from the oven directly on his naked lap. Just common sense stuff.

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Ignore Them

Okay, so we established all the don’ts. Everything else your dirty mind can imagine is pretty much on the table. Hell, even the rules are meant to be broken. In truth, no matter what you do to his nards, it’s not like he’s going to get that mad at you. You’re still touching his balls.

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