Why New Year's resolutions and shame go so well together

After the collective shouts and kisses to mark the stroke of midnight, the proverbial throwing away of old calendars (those relics) and pinning up of the new, and this year a pristine January 1st snowfall to lend a little extra oomph to the thrilling feeling of newness, the soundtrack of early January is peppered with New Year’s resolutions. If you’re quiet you can almost hear them – muffled by the snowy landscape and the voices of cheery news anchors and snarky radio DJs – the visions of our better selves crafted into five-to-seven word vows. But if you keep listening you’ll hear another sound, one that we’re deaf to as a culture: the echo of resolution shame.

Shame is now part of our cultural vocabulary. Recent research has demonstrated that it’s not the healthiest way to approach self-talk, parenting, procrastination, relationships, or even training a pet. But with very few exceptions, New Year’s resolutions are a shame-fest.

“I resolve to eat healthier.” (I’m still XX pounds heavier than I should be because I have no discipline. No one will ever love me if I look like this.)

“I resolve to exercise.” (That gym membership has become an expensive way to make me feel lazy. So-and-so has a personal trainer so I should, too. Maybe then I’ll have awesome abs.)

I’ve never been a big resolutions person, but like many people I can get swept up in the collective breath-holding on December 31st as the clock winds down. The January 1st exhale is more than just the turning of the calendar. It’s a time when the holiday craze settles and we get back to life as usual. It’s a natural time to get introspective after a month living in the hyper-extroversion mode of holiday parties and socializing.

What’s missing from this practice of introspection is not the identification of what to change, but rather why you want to change it. What’s missing is the other “R” word: Reflection.

This is not a matter of mere semantics. Consider the definitions:

Resolution: a firm decision to do or not do something.

Reflection: serious thought or consideration. Synonym; meditation

How can you expect to stick to a resolution that was not well-thought out or seriously considered?

Resolutions spotlight your greatest character flaws and behavioral challenges, the issues that have plagued you for years, and demand that you simply stop doing them right now. Just because.

If your past year has been one of junk food and couch surfing, shaming yourself with reactionary resolutions won’t do anything to change that. Buying every green vegetable at Whole Foods and chucking them into the crisper will not turn you into a health food eater. Guilting yourself into getting a gym membership that you don’t want to use will not force you to exercise.

Resolutions have the remarkable power to simultaneously let you off the hook while shaming you for falling short. Didn’t make it to the gym in January? Guess you couldn’t cut it. Maybe next year (but probably not then either).

Reflection, on the other hand, is all about asking questions. You want to get healthier? Why? Do you really care about abs, or do you just want to feel more vibrant and energetic?

If it’s the latter, reflect on what activities help you to feel healthier and more alive. That doesn’t mean googling “best ab exercises” or the latest diet some celebrity is following. Be honest without thinking too much about what you “should” do for exercise. (“Should” is shaming territory.)

Choose things you love to do that also happen to get you moving. Not a gym person? Me neither, and when I finally accepted that rather than telling myself exercise "should" look a certain way, a whole world of movement and activity opened up and it was stuff I actually enjoyed and wanted to keep doing.

Forget the "shoulds" - take a walk, cross-country ski, go to yoga, pull the kids on wild sled ride, go swimming at the park district, put on your favorite music and just start dancing. Skipped a few days? It happens, but the good news is there’s no expiration date on this stuff. Just start again, reflect, remember why you wanted to get healthier in the first place, and breathe deeply when you get back to movement so you don’t forget as quickly next time. But you will forget. And that’s okay.

Remember to reflect not only on the days you fall short of your goals but also on the days you nail it. Notice how you feel after taking a little extra time to make a meal that didn’t come from a box, savor the sensation of eating fresh fruit and vegetables at dinner, even if you dive into the old candy stash for dessert. The fruits and veggies will be there again tomorrow, and you can choose to come back to them when you feel the desire return rather than shaming yourself over a mushy plate of steamed broccoli.

Reflection is not hip or ironic. It can’t be accomplished with a clever resolutions tweet or a cute photo posted to Facebook. Reflection is quiet, low-tech, and takes consistent time and attention. But over time, reflection is the shame-free way to pursue real change that doesn’t fade by January 31st.

Kerry is the Founder & Director of Bloom Yoga Studio, voted Best Yoga Studio in the Chicago Reader, Chicago Magazine, and Citysearch. As a practicing yogi, writer, and mother of three, Kerry is all about making the principles and philosophies of yoga real and accessible for day-to-day living. You can find Kerry on Google+.

Comments

New to Yoga?

It's easy to get started at Bloom!

Kerry Maiorca

Passionate about yoga, writing, and creativity in general, Kerry is the Founder & Director of Bloom Yoga Studio. Her Thinking Yogi blog explores the intersection of yoga and everyday life, and you can also find her writing on Huffington Post, elephantjournal, MindBodyGreen, yoganonymous, and Yoga Chicago. Kerry and her husband Zach live in Chicago with their three children who love to "help" when she practices yoga in the living room.