Anne Palumbo: Addressing the mystery that plagues America

Every so often we must pause, take a deep breath, look inward, and then ask ourselves the question that has been plaguing America for years now: “What ever happened to the fanny pack?”

Anne Palumbo

Every so often we must pause, take a deep breath, look inward, and then ask ourselves the question that has been plaguing America for years now: “What ever happened to the fanny pack?”

More and more, I see that fanny packs are not part of the American landscape, and it troubles me. Truth is, late at night, when the rest of you are curled up like comatose chipmunks, I am up, wondering and worrying, pondering and pontificating, spewing and speculating about this long-lost accessory.

I pray that I am not alone in my quest for fanny knowledge.

But one never knows.

Nonetheless, before I delve into the F-pack’s mysterious disappearance from our waistlines, I’d like to answer some general questions about the bag, in the truly sad and unfortunate event that fanny packs have not been part of your life.

Q: What is a fanny pack?

A: A fanny pack is a small, zippered pouch that is held at the waist by a strap around the hips. It can be worn many ways: forward, to the side, to the rear, over your aching head when packed with ice. Functional as it may be, it is illegal in many countries, as the egregious sight has been known to cause blindness, if not, death.

Q: Who invented the fanny pack?

A: Fanny packs were invented in l962 by Mrs. Melba Stone, a downtrodden Australian widow with 10 kids. One day, while tearing her last hair out, she spotted a kangaroo in her backyard and had an epiphany. Her pack, one of the largest to date, held several children at one time, leaving her hands free to smack some sense into the others. Rumor has it Melba went on to invent hair scrunchies and legwarmers.

Q: Who wears a fanny pack?

A: Many diverse groups. Americans who want to scream, “I’M A TOURIST! ROB ME!” Bikers and hikers who need their fingers free to deal with Spandex adhesion brought on by rampant sweating. New mothers with hormone imbalances. Renaissance-faire dorks who think it’s a codpiece. Men who wish to remain single until the Grim Reaper pays a late-night visit.

Q: Why were they so popular in the ‘80s?

A: Many blame it on pronounced mental confusion caused by all the hair perms during that fashion-disaster decade. However, it’s important to remember that F-packs were not the sole fashion faux pas during that time. Let’s not forget linebacker shoulder pads, parachute pants, slouch socks, big hair, and stirrup leggings.

Q: But fanny packs are incredibly useful ... why have they been so tragically dumped?

A: Who are we? Where did we come from? Does Donald Trump wear a toupee?

There are some mysteries that can never be answered. And, unfortunately, the enigmatic downfall of the fanny pack is one of them. No question, fanny packs are useful, especially when you’re out and about and you’ve got a raging case of poison ivy. But, be that as it may, they have fallen from grace and no one quite knows why.

Some blame it on the lumpy, unflattering silhouette a fanny pack creates (especially with frontal wearing), while others blame it on painful floggings by F-pack denouncers.