A Sanity-Neutral Lifestyle

By: Dustin Hawkins

How much do Republicans care about National Security? Figure that it will take roughly 80% of the Connecticut Republican vote just to keep a liberal, pro-choice, anti-business, anti-gun, former-Vice Presidential candidate of the Democratic Party in office. Joe Lieberman lost his primary bid for apparently not being crazy enough, losing the â€œprizedâ€ endorsement of the Party of MoveOn-and-Huffing-til-you-Puff-Kos. Conservatives might be unhappy with the Republican Party, but at least Republicans arenâ€™t crazy. Figure what these prominent liberals are up to these days:

Al Gore is now leading a â€œcarbon-neutral lifestyle.â€ A carbon-neutral lifestyle is how liberals get around being hypocrites. It seems that a carbon-neutral lifestyle means that Al can drive an SUV, fly in privately chartered jets, and heat multiple 10,000 square foot mansions, so long as he offsets his carbon-dioxide emissions by planting a tree in the desert or installing solar panels in Africa.

Tired of being photographed and appearing on the Drudge Report leaving Global Warming summits in Hummers and Escalades, liberals have come up with an elaborate scheme of explaining away their do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do ways. Arianna Huffington is noted for complaining about Global Warming and then explaining her high-class jet travel thusly: â€œThe plane was going there anyway.â€ But now she can say: â€œYes, I do drive an gas-guzzling SUV, but I planted a tree in my back-yard!â€

Off-setting is a great idea when it comes to, oh say, dieting whereby if you promise to run an extra mile at the gym you can eat some birthday cake. But when it comes to an action that is constantly being stated by liberals as resulting in a life-threatening, world-ending, glacier-melting, hurricane-causing mess, one would think that they would stop constantly doing those problem-causing activities. I mean, they complain all the time. Constantly. Daily. And make long, boring movies about it.

But cutting out such evil is not a very convenient solution for liberals. A liberalsâ€™ idea of rationality is that if they do one thing they consider to be â€œthe goodâ€ then they have a free pass to do however much of â€œthe evilâ€ they want to. Imagine the absurdity of other possible â€œneutralâ€ lifestyles. Why not lead a â€œhuman-neutralâ€ lifestyle? For every one child brought into earth, you get credit for one free murder. Whoops, the Party of Abortion already practices that one.

If something is declared as evil, it should be done away with altogether, not merely excused away. But then this level of reasoning perfectly explains liberalsâ€™ take on the War on Terrorism. When conservatives declare something as â€œthe evilâ€ they pretty much cut it out of their lifestyles. In dealing with terrorists, we are all too happy to kill as many of them as possible as often as possible. On the occasional circumstance when liberals are forced to call terrorists evil, and not the more-favored â€œfreedom-fightersâ€ or â€œdisgruntled ethnic-minority youthsâ€, liberals show how they go about handling their evil.

That is to say: they oppose killing terrorists in Iraq, oppose detaining terrorists in prison, oppose the surveillance of possible-terrorist suspects, oppose trying to narrow down potential terrorists on airplanes… Iâ€™d go on, but I donâ€™t want to leave the false impression that liberals donâ€™t want to fight terrorism. I guess weâ€™ll just call it their â€œterrorist-neutralâ€ policy.

But being â€œwhatever-neutralâ€ is the in-thing these days. Howard Dean was going to live a sanity-neutral lifestyle but could only find one rational thought for every ten conspiracy theories. Conservatives may be a lot of things â€“ what is it; we are mean-spirited, selfish, and intolerant? â€“ but at least we arenâ€™t crazy. For liberals, itâ€™s a requirement for elected office. Figure that Hillary Clinton has already lost the vote of Madonna, Cindy Sheehan, and Charlie Sheen for not being crazy enough.

And itâ€™s not just that liberals are crazy when it comes to covering up their hypocritical and intellectually void tracks. Liberals havenâ€™t met a conspiracy theory they havenâ€™t liked. George W. Bush either knew about or helped to plan the twin tower terror attacks, plus a plane never hit the Pentagon, and crazed right-wingers rig every election that Democrats lose with their electronic voting schemes, voter-scaring dogs, or butterfly ballots. Hillary Clintonâ€™s theory was that all of Billâ€™s women were part of some vast right-wing conspiracy (at least if true, it would have been an amusing conspiracy). And lest we forget, with the Hurricane Katrina anniversary here, George Bush let the levies break in order to drown the New Orleans population. It was either that, or Bush caused Global Warming, which caused the Hurricane, which caused flooding. I canâ€™t keep track.

While there is no shortage of sanity-neutral conspiracy theorists on the left, all the conservatives have is Pat Buchanon. And he isnâ€™t the leader of the Republican Party (or even a member of it), a US Senator, or a Presidentâ€™s wife. (In fairness, he was part of conspiracy theory #2043-B, whereby elderly voters in Palm Beach County were tricked into voting for him for President instead of Al Gore, costing Gore the election!)

So, conservatives are mean-spirited and selfish. Fine. Iâ€™d actually welcome a liberal who was mean-spirited and selfish yet sane. Itâ€™s getting to the point where Iâ€™d be compelled to switch parties, just to vote in a primary to help nominate a Democrat who at the very least doesnâ€™t want to see the United States in flames. I started to have some hope when Georgians booted the fanatical Cynthia McKinney from the Democratic primary in favor of someone who is at least grounded in reality. But then Connecticut happened.

Dustin Hawkins is a social and political writer. His first book, Stuck on Stupid, is now for sale. His website is www.dustinmhawkins.com.