Equinox Gym Trash Talk from Longtime Member Rachel Sherman

I am the best at getting the corner spot! The one in the front row next to the switches that control the overhead fans! When you try me with a sorry new member like Emily Crabtree, who only arrives five measly minutes before class to set up her mat, weights, Bosu, towels, and water bottle, that’s the result you’re going to get. I will get my spot, even if I have to drop off my kids outside day care before it even opens. Don’t you ever talk about me!

I am the best at keeping my gymwear seasonal! I haven’t worn neon-bright colors since August. When you try me with a sorry dresser like Emily Crabtree in that hot pink coral or whatever sad, Florida-sofa-cushion color she’s wearing, that’s the result you’re going to get. It’s laughable if she thinks those Fukushima-lime capris can pass as a spring pastel. You better not be talking!

I am the best at flexibility! I practice Pilates daily and sit in a straddle stretch up until the very second kickboxing class starts, so you had better not even look in the mirror at yourself while I am doing a roundhouse, or you will get so discouraged about your inadequacy that you might give up. When you try me with a sorry tight-hamstring mess like Emily Crabtree, that’s the result you’re going to get. It’s only okay to talk about me if it’s a compliment!

I am the best at making gym friends! I am the most dynamic, informed, experienced, educated, well-travelled but also totally relatable member of my Equinox location! When you try me with a sorry naïf like Emily Crabtree, who recently relocated from I-don’t-know-where and went to I-don’t-know-what school, that’s the result you’re going to get. Facebook-friend limit reached, ladies. Talk to me on my wall.

I am the best at intervals! Heart rate in the target zone—boom! Oxygen intake—optimized! Calories—burning! Suck it, Emily Crabtree. My Fitbit is talking about me, and what it’s saying is really positive.

I am the best at sit-ups! My core is a tanned, glistening powerhouse. When you try me with a sorry noodle-middle like Emily Crabtree—at least, that’s what I assume she is, because she never wears midriff-baring tops like me—that’s the result you’re going to get. Thanks to everyone for all the great things you have said on my wall!

I am the best at cooling down! Woo! Great workout! Roll up, one vertebra at a time! When you try me with a sorry wimp like Emily Crabtree, who lies down in child’s pose and just rides her endorphin high for the last five minutes of class, that’s the result you’re going to get. I know you’re talking about me, and I love it!

Photograph by Thomas Barwick.

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