Monday, May 7, 2012

In humans, testicles tend to be more figurative than literal. When you say "he has big balls" I suspect you didn't actually LOOK at the guy's testicles. Besides, in the modern use of the term, females can be said to have balls, and I'm pretty sure they anatomically don't.

Part of the issue is that human testicles are a bit hidden at baseline, and when you add a few layers of clothes you don't see them at all (unless you have filariasis).

But all of that could change. With yogurt.

In a recently published study bound to send gangsta-rappers to the nearest dairy aisle, they found that male mice fed only yogurt developed larger and heavier testicles (5%-15% increase ) over mice on other diets. They also developed a characteristic posture of projecting their jewels outwards, which in turn gave them a "swagger" when walking. And (of course) they had better hair.

At this point I suggest you pause. Because you've probably got an image of a swaggering, big-balled, nice-haired mouse eating Yoplait listening to a megavolume boombox stuck in your head, and you'll need a minute to get over it.

Moving on.

The application of this in humans is staggering, but quite frankly I don't WANT bigger balls. I mean, walking can be klutzy enough as it is without putting more things in the way. The last thing I want is to go through life like Angus Young.*

The nicer hair I'm interested in. Hell, at this point in my life I'm interested in ANY hair. But I think I'll stick with Minoxidil.

I can see wanting to swagger here and there, like when I save the day at the hospital and don't have my cape with me (oh hell, I'm a neurologist, who am I kidding?), but I'm generally happy sitting at my desk in a quiet office. And when you spend most of the day on your rear end, bigger balls just get in the way, and you have to waste time readjusting them.

The article ended by noting that similar studies of yogurt, testicles, and "semen quality" in humans have been "consistent" with the mouse data. I have no idea who's volunteering for this. "After finishing the yogurt, take this magazine and a cup into the restroom."

Since I already have 3 kids, and would rather be comfortable at my desk, I'm glad that Diet Coke now comes with vitamins and minerals (can we have one with Minoxidil, too?). I'll get my calcium there, and leave the yogurt to those who prefer it with nuts. Big ones.

Thank you, Moose!

*If you understood the reference before clicking the link, then you're old. Like me.

You know, I was JUST ranting yesterday that all the funny doctor bloggers were dead (well except myself of course, but I specialise in bad jokes and toilet humour. Don't look at me like that) then luckily I remembered Dr Crippen recommending you and Dr Rant with his dying breath (that WAS you right? And not Dr Grumble who has since also died methinks?) and thought I'd pop by.

Hilarious. I'm going to give you a big shout-out in my next post. And I'll be back to stalk. I'll be the hunched-over silhouette in the back stroking the costume jewellery in my palm going "precioussssss".

My A&P II book stated that semen is ejaculated at the rate of 20mph. WHO does this study? What do they use, a police speed reader? A video recorder, clock and yardstick? WHO watches all the footage of this...because for it to be included in a college text, it has to be scientifically accurate - which means it was done on a large scale.

Back to the yogurt. Was it organic based, or from hormone injected cows?

You echo my feeling about big boobs. Fortunately the researchers did not come to the conclusion that youghurt has megaboobalicious properties, so at least I can continue enjoying my main source of calcium, preferably with nuts!

I did not know I would read this sentence today, "Because you've probably got an image of a swaggering big-balled, nice-haired mouse eating Yoplait listening to a megavolume boombox stuck in your head, and you'll need a minute to get over it."

Half & half does the same thing. My gonads are huge!Since junior high, I've grabbed a pint of half & half when my lady friend goes for her diet soda. When I stride proudly down the sand here at Guitar Beach, young women titter and point at me, and my lady friend gets a little annoyed. I just tell her that they like my nice hair.

Oh, good! One thing all those e-mail ads for penis enlargement don't tell you is how small your balls start to appear once the pills take effect. Now I can lose that "banana and two blueberries" look, and bring things back into balance. Look out, ladies!

I'm only 45 and I got the ACDC reference without clicking the link - if you've got StatCounter, you can even double check to see that I'm telling the truth!

The first thing I thought concerning the yogurt scientific trial (and I didn't click that link, either) was that if the mice were ingesting nothing but yogurt, they must have become deficient in something, and the ... um ... tesiculomegaly? ... was the unfortunate result.

Grad students. Grad students are the answer to every time you think "Who collected all that data?" or "That sounds really gross; I wonder who did that?" ;)Meanwhile, aren't mouse testicles large enough ALREADY? Poor things :P

Welcome to my whining!

This blog is entirely for entertainment purposes. All posts about patients may be fictional, or be my experience, or were submitted by a reader, or any combination of the above. Factual statements may or may not be accurate.

Singing Foo!

Have Dr. Grumpy delivered automatically to your Kindle for only 99 cents a month! Sign up here!

Dr. Grumpy is for hire! Need an article written (humorous, medical, or otherwise) or want to commission a genuine Grumpy piece for your newspaper/magazine/toilet paper roll? Contact me to discuss subjects. You can reach me at the email address below, or through my Linked-In profile.

Note: I do not answer medical questions. If you are having a medical issue, see your own doctor. For all you know I'm really a Mongolian yak herder and have no medical training at all except in issues regarding the care and feeding of Mongolian yaks.