Spoof news stories from Wednesday 29 December 2010

With China now reducing mining operations of their rare earth elements by nearly 35%, the electronics industry has found it necessary to replace rare earth metals with other materials. Compared with plain old rocks you find in a quarry, they have fou...

Did she really mean it when she said she was ending her show? Well in the entertainment biz one never says never. Guess what? Sheeee's baaaack!!!! Out with the old, in with the same old!
D'Oprah Winfrey - title holder of the queen of Love Me Do self-promotion; pied piper of self-gratification; empress of whinge; Maharani of the me-me generation; seducer of dysfunctional addicts and hoarder...

Sir Elton John is apparently furious that certain sections of the public at large aren't quite as ecstatic as he is over his surrogate fatherhood of a Christmas baby at the ripe old age of 63.
When universal adulation wasn't quite as gushingly syc...

Brett Favre's little game of "say hello to my little friend", via inappropriate messages and lewd photos texted to former New York Jets game-day hostess Jenn Sterger, has cost him $50,000, or $25,000 per inch.
Ran out of dick jokes early, I see...

Whatever magic dust Michael Vick was using to play at the level that made him a serious league MVP has worn off, so says Philadelphia Eagles elephantine head coach Andy Reid.
"And he better f--king find some more, and quick," said Reid, while snac...

The NFL is sending a press release out to all Detroit media outlets, trying to clear up a misunderstanding Sunday between Lions' center Dominic Raiola as he spoke to fans before entering the tunnel after Detroit's 6th win in the last 428 games.
"W...

Elton John and his partner David Furnish have at last agreed to have a baby, after years of agonising.
"The problem was," says Elton," we considered there were far too many backward children in the world without producing another."
However in...

A Tribute to Elton John's New Son, Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John:
(For all those folks who sing along at the top of their lungs and 'think' they know all the words)
Levon wears his wahoo like a clown
Calls his child Jesus
Cause he likes the name
And he senses it's the finest school in town
And Jesus, he wants to go to Jeee-suhs,
Leavin' Levon far behinds
Spend his time counting...

Police arrest five suspected Christian militants for planning to attack a newspaper that printed amusing stories about Jesus, Son of God.
Following tips received early yesterday, police raided a semi-detached house at 2 a.m. this morning.
It wa...

Recently deceased Bert Matthews was today found by MI5 with his penis firmly stuck into a turkey. He told secret agents he was saving the world from a festive epidemic of colossal proportions. One of the creatures had passed on an incurable disease t...

If it doesn't fit you must acquit. Not since the trial of O.J. Simpson has the world been so fixated on a homicide trial. Michael Jackson, may he rest in peace, died on June 25, 2009. The Coroner, Quincy Jones ruled the death a homicide. The prelimin...

Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May will return for a new series of Top Gear in the New Year, but the popular motoring magazine show will be the subject of severe budget cuts.
"We will not be replacing the Stig," said show producer Morr...

It is thought that the female police officer may have gone AWOL as a result of her having no 'back-up' to call upon should a situation arise.
Police officers are more hated and feared than revered in Mexico, according to resident Miguelle Klassen.

For most UK residents, Christmas has been a time to batten down the hatches and lock out the outside world for a few days whilst feasting on roast dinners, chocolates, and having the odd glass or two of whatever tickles the palate.
But it's sad to...

Scientists have found that people with conservative views have brains with larger amygdalas, almond shaped areas in the centre of the brain often associated with anxiety and emotions
Yes, it appears to be true according to scientists, our politica...

Famed singer and lothario Tony Hadley has announced the he will be touring the tiny, yet important nation of Mid Korea throughout 2011 as part of his attempt to support the UN "International Acknowlegdement Programme".
The nation is often overlook...

Plastic surgeons from around the world are keen to read this rare medical journal and study the methods used hundreds of years ago. A number of them have organized a seminar and the journal will be the focus of their studies.
It's reported that...

A sneak peak at the Spoof's almanac for 2011 predicts the effects of waning readership tastes regarding female genitalia, but rising interest in male enhancement techniques
as the world's population of heterosexuals continues to decline.
Citing...

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was left feeling decidedly sorry for himself this morning after contracting what is thought to be the potentially deadly Umbongo virus.
Facing up to the virus with typical male grit, courage and determination, Shuttle...

Gordon Brown, Britain's last failed Prime minister and Chancellor, has been retained by Laurent Gbagbo as a post-election consultant.
Gbagbo, Ivory Coast's presidential incumbent, was last night locked in discussions with Brown, considering the be...

J.K.Rowling's forthcoming sex-change operation has come as a shock for many. But even more shocking are the reasons for it. Now, WikiLeaks director Julian Assange, from his cave in Northern Afghanistan, has released to our paper the "Vagina Observer" a tape that was secretly recorded of the conference that led to this momentous announcement. The meeting in Bremen, Northwestern Germany was hasti...

PHILADELPHIA, PA--Eagles quarterback Michael Vick took the opportunity to respond to the news that President Obama had praised the decision to give the controversial star a second chance with the league, saying he also wishes the president is given h...

SANTA MONICA, California - Young teenage heartthrob Selena Gomez has just informed a reporter for The Tinsel Town Times Tribune that she has had a crush on Shia LaBeouf for quite sometime.
The girl who raked in a ton of money appearing on the Disn...

CABO SAN LUCAS, Mexico - One of the most popular Sports Illustrated swimsuit models of all time is Bar Refaeli.
The 25-year-old Israeli beauty has sold over 9 million posters of herself clad in various types, colors, and sizes of bikini swimsuits.

LOS ANGELES - Left Coast Mirror Magazine's Cashmere Cunninghaven reported that she spoke exclusively to Demi Lovato and her family during her 24-hour one day release outing.
The entire family mom Dianna (two "N's") step-father Eddie (two "E's") si...

"We are sick and tired," announced the Director of the CDC at a press conference in Atlanta today, "of seeing people and things -- especially Internet stories and rumors -- GOING VIRAL."
He continued, "We are stopping it as of today. Gone, kaput...

Reacting to new claims by conservatives that Obama Care will not work unless grandma volunteers to pull the plug on herself prematurely, Vice President Joe Biden said that, "although this is true, it's inherently false that the government is doing th...

At last a new British 'Farce' film is to be made again, in 2011 - not at Shepperton or Ealing studios, but at the Houses of Parliament.
To be filmed in Mise en scène style, using hand held devices, these devices will be handled and controlled by T...

Multi-billion dollar clusterf--k H&R Block has found that their business partners are more than willing to help them find new and better ways to f--k their customers over: This year, it's HSBC, who's yanked the rug out from under Block's loyal em...

The Christening took place yesterday morning of David Gordon Rowling Murray, son of J.K.Rowling and quiet husband Neil Murray. A select group of family and friends gathered for the ceremony at St. Patrick's Roman Catholic Church in Edinburgh. Rowling's agent and ex-flame Chris Little was godfather.
Papal envoy, Cardinal Pedro Philia, was unable to make it as his Volvo was in a headlong smash w...

Susan Boyle, having successfully completed her obligation to sing at The Priory Clinic in London, present home of many Subo Fanatics, spoke to one of our reporters at her home in Blackburn.
When asked how the 'visit' went, Susan took a deep breath...

The first decade of the 2000's SUCKED!
I don't know about you but don't you think the first 10 years of the new century were awful. I mean when you compare it too the 1990's. I did a comparative of all the shit that happened during the past decade and put it up against the 90's and here is what I came up with in no particular order:
(2000's) 9/11 - can someone tell me why we didn't make a...