Think you work in Hell? This is the unbelievable, but true, story of the Crazy Screaming Bitch (CSB), and all those who interact with her at the Lazy K, a family owned motorcycle dealership.
Names have been changed to protect the innocent, facts have been altered and/or distorted, things have been made up and timelines have been shortened for dramatic effect. But other than that, It's all true.

Gollum goes American Chopper

Gollum is in charge of used bikes, i.e. purchasing crap for nothing and selling it for a little bit more than nothing to unwary customers. His biggest claim to fame being his "roach" of a cruiser, "I put the grinder marks on the pipe myself!" and the two bikes on the lot, purchased for $200 (total) and put back on sale for about $1500 (apiece) never mind the rust pitting, the old, unsafe tires and the fact that they'll probably grenade before they get off the lot.

So one day (so the story goes) Gollum lands on a gold mine. A ten year old Yamaha sportbike, with a wonderful (for a six year old) paint job, almost frozen steering head bearings and bad suspension. Of course he buys it and it goes in back for service to try and make it saleable. But Gollum knows that by the time the mechanics make it safe to drive, all the profit will be gone. So he calls a buddy who has been scraping change for a year to buy his first bike (can you say SUCKER?). His buddy, all unawares, thinks Gollum is doing him a favor.

Now there's only one hitch in the ointment (yeah I know). This fly in the pudding so to speak is that Chicken Little just made a new "rule". Now you have to understand, Chicken Little's main job at this dealership is to keep it an ongoing tax shelter for all of Cowtits®' gambling losses, i.e. it's his job to make sure they lose money (and figure prominently in Dickie's dreams). This newest rule is that no bike can be sold with aftermarket stuff on it. So when they purchase a used bike, they have to put stock blinkers etc. on them. Somehow they manage to leave the aftermarket pipes and whatnot on, but the blinkers are a big deal to him. Ya know, it's ok to do some illegal things, but not others depending on the day of the week, the position of the moon and whether Chicken Little is having a bad hair day or not.

So Gollum heads in back to get the bike ready for his unwitting friend. The front goes just fine, he slaps on a couple of stock type blinkers and then heads for the back of the bike. Oh my, no blinkers at all. Three grinder wheels, four blinkers and two bandaids later, he has "fabricated" a new rear fender, complete with blinkers and taillight, 'cuz that's what makes this bike unsafe, not the bad bearings in the steering head, the bald tires, leaking fork seals or bad rear shock.

The next day, Gollum and Comic Book Guy are outside with Gollum's friend (Comic Book Guy spends most of his time outside, trying to keep enough nicotine in his system so that he can function).The Sucker (friend) is beside himself with joy, he can finally afford a sportbike. Now maybe he can lose his virginity (at 30 it was starting to worry him that he hadn't yet). His bedazzled senses skim over all the glaring defects in the bike, the bad paint, the scraped and broken levers and pegs....all of it. He doesn't even care that he doesn't know how to ride or doesn't even have a license (a fact ignored by Gollum as he hands over the keys).

So Gollum and Comic Book Guy watch Sucker stall it three times in the parking lot, and twice on the street, their arms become tired from waving because it takes Sucker about 20 minutes to get out of sight.

Gollums leans into the cloud of smoke surrounding CBG and says "That's some good fabrication work man, but I sort of feel like I should have hooked up the taillight and blinker wires".

Can't tell the players without a program?

The CSB -daughter of the owner of the Lazy K. our Boss.The FSB - sister of the CSB. Fat and Sneaky, shares her crazy belief system with all who will listen and many of those who won'tOld Crusty - Owner of the Lazy K and four sister stores.The GOB, formerly the Old Battleax- Greedy Old Bitch, Wife of Old Crusty. The genius who makes all the big decisions. Has Bozo the Clown hair and several small dogs.Fearless Leader- Ex-con, missing several teeth. Former store manager brought it to maintain order while the CSB went on her 4th 28 day vacation. Wishes he could have beat down the employees when they got out of order. Still trying to come back to work at the Lazy K.The Rhino -illegal immigrant office manager, as big as a Rhinothe Buddha - Finance manager.Star - Former salesperson, then parts manager, now sales manager. Sex with the CSB may play a part in his rise to power.Tits Ahoy - current receptionist. big tits and matching ass.Ellie May - Chunky late 40's former receptionist with a penchant for tank tops and short shorts.The Manatee- young fat beast who answers the phones at night, glares at people and does crossword puzzles.Shaggy - former parts manager, now wanted for theft.Baby Hitler - Parts manager, service manager, parts managerDaffy - service writerFamous Nobody - Drag racer nobody has heard of. Can't get a job anywhere else.Sales DepartmentFriar Tuck - Miserable Fat Man.Mondo - Seasonal employee who has no scruples. Wanted in six states.Beans - Lesbian sales person who enjoys burping and farting.Ol' Wigger - It just ain't cool to talk, walk or dress like that when you're 38.Paco - peppy little fellow that wants to make the workplace a happy place. Either incredibly stupid or has a high tolerance for pain and frustration.The Tour Guide - Paco's Amigo. General all around nice guy who gives guided tours of all the bikes and ATVs. Doesn't sell any.The New Guy - he'll be gone before you know it.Supporting CastMr. Moose - The Rhino's giant hillbilly lesbian companion.Psycho Jedi - Tits Ahoy's boyfriendThe Poodle - Toy Poodle. Has a shrine to him in the dealership. Nobody cares.Bandit - border collie. Can do tricks, but can't be housebroken.Generic Service Technician - we have a lot of turnoverThe CSBs love lifeTaco Dave - Met on AOL, 24 year old Mexican.Weavepole Dave - Met on Match.com. 54 and butt uglyFreddy Fife - Barney's taller and less attractive brother. Met on Myspace.Kerry the Salesman - Match.com.Tarot - balding freak with a moustache. Likes Denim shirts and denim trousers. Hangs around a lot.

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