Tuesday, April 20, 2010

more crazy advice

Now that that's out of the way, I thought it would be fun to post another Dear Prudence gem. A nice little follow up to yesterday's insanity.

We have some chick writing in about her husband constantly "pantsing" her. Read on:

Dumb Bitch from Maine: I know this sounds stupid and petty. I have a great husband and love him more than anything—but he does something that ends up causing a fight every time. He thinks it's hilarious to pull my pants down, for instance, when I am doing dishes or just getting up off the couch. It's constant, and I find it annoying and unfunny. When I ask him to stop, he gets pouty and says I am not playful, and it's "not like it's in public." Well, I don't care—I think it's weird, and I hate it. How can I get this to stop without causing a fight?

Dear Prudence: I disagree that this sounds petty and stupid. This sounds bizarre and awful. I always wonder in cases like yours whether, as you were dating, you thought, "This is the man of my dreams! There is that little problem with him abusively pulling down my pants all the time and pouting when I tell him how much I hate it. I wonder how mauve and peach would look as my wedding colors?" If this is not a new behavior, why did you marry this guy? If it is a new behavior, then he has some disturbing ideas of what's allowable behavior. You say he does this constantly and ignores your pleas to stop. Next time he does it, without a word pull up your pants and walk out the door, and go stay at a friend's house. You can call him later and tell him both that this has to stop and that you also want to go to a marriage counselor to figure out some rules for making your marriage work. It's possible he will actually get the message. It's also possible this is his opening gambit for a life of constant humiliation.

My initial thoughts: The kind of guy that thinks it's hilarious to constantly "pants" his wife is probably the kind of guy that thought it was a good idea to marry a troll. Not excusing his behavior by assuming he married an ugly chick, just stating the facts.

Since I'm an avid fan of the TV show Criminal Minds, I think it's necessary for me to "profile" this troglodyte husband. Let's see where this behavior comes from.

He is an obese Star Wars fan who spends much of his time playing video games. Like, a lot of time playing video games. There is a strong chance that he grew up in a single-parent household, with his mother, and probably a hot, older sister. Secretly lusting after his sister, and her hot friends, lead to lots of rejection - pushing him further into his own little fantasy world of making love to beautiful aliens in his head, more video game playing, comic books, and other gay shit that won't get anybody laid.

He rarely saw his father, which explains his propensity for unmanly hobbies and interests. Oddly, he thought his immersion into geek culture, and massive amount of online friends, would impress his father. The truth is, his father was just too busy trying to bang the sister's hot friends. I don't blame him.

His school life was filled with very high peaks, and very dismal lows. He got good grades, not because he's smart, but because he worked hard, and he took pride in them. Also, his high marks got him the attention of slutty cheerleaders looking for help with their studies. This, combined with study halls and lunches spent playing Magic: The Gathering, contributed to the high points of his school day. Unfortunately, him mistaking the slutty cheerleaders' interest in his grades, for genuine interest in him, led to him asking them out, getting rejected, and ultimately, many tear-fueled masturbation sessions. This was clearly a low point in his day.

After high school, he went to community college where he was probably in the drama club, cause that's the only place he could meet broads that were just as desperate for action as he was. Not surprisingly, he courted, dated, and married his very first girlfriend.

Then one day he woke up and realized that life sucks.

His entry level IT job sucks. His shitty, tiny apartment that he shares with his slovenly wife sucks. His wife is ugly, and he thinks that sucks. His cat scratches the shit out of his couch, and that sucks. His mom quit calling him cause he's so bummed all the time; and that sucks. He tried to contact his hot sister and her friends, but they ignored him because they think he sucks. The stupid vacuum cleaner broke cause it sucks; and he can't afford to buy a new one, and that sucks too.

I can't explain how anything in his life has caused him to pants his wife like he does, but that's pretty goddamn weird.

Guess I don't really have any solid advice, other than just treat your wife better, dick.

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tall man on the loose in tampa area

True story, there is a tall man terrorizing the Tampa area. This weirdo usually hangs out around parks, trying to find pick-up games of basketball - during which, he will grab the ball and maneuver around so that you come into contact with his stinky, naughty bits.

Truly an unpleasant experience.

His signature move is the "bait and switch junk grab". As you're grabbing for the ball, his junk magically appears. In the way of your hand.

Another one of his famous moves is to let the ball go loose, then as you scramble for it, his sweaty ass gets in the way. Of your face.