I got discouraged again last month. This time it wasn’t about me not feeling good enough… it was about realizing that I wasn’t going to find what I was looking for by swiping right and left….. At least not now anyway

That was a good thing. I realized that I have been phoning it in.

A friend tagged me in this recently… And while my flirting skills are definitely not the best… 🤷‍♀️ This is a perfect example of me ” putting in effort”

So let’s be honest… I wasn’t.

I had to really Be honest with myself… I said I wanted love, but did I really want a committed relationship?

All signs point to NO

And for the first time ….. I realized that was 100% OK.

I do want love. But I don’t think the time is now.

I was going through the motions because I didn’t feel like it was OK to be alone.

Truth is, I’m actually great alone. I do get lonely… But I’ve carved out a good life for myself. I did that.

I feel like I have some more work to do on my own. Taking a break from sex has been very hard… And I lost track somewhere how long it’s been… But over a year.

Let’s repeat . Hard

But—My life and my self-esteem are so much better for taking the time to breathe and heal.

When I am still and listen, I feel like I have a little bit longer to go. I feel impatient sometimes… ok A Lot…. But I am committed to following my intuition and living my best life.

This year, I made huge improvements in my relationships with family and friends. While I will never be a social butterfly, I have had many fun outings… And more importantly, deep soul bonding sessions with friends.

I’m really really proud of myself. I have been off antidepressants and my anxiety is almost entirely within normal limits.

OK. Scratch the word normal.

What I mean by that is every once in a while I take half a Xanax to knock the edge off… But it’s rare anymore.

For those of you taking Wellbutrin , extended release… You may not be aware as I was not, but it is tied to significant anxiety.

I say significant, meaning life crippling.

Mine got to a point that I could hardly leave my home other than work.

Anyway, My life isn’t perfect… But I feel nothing but hope looking forward. I feel excitement for the year ahead.

And I have a crush on someone I met in real life.

Now I will temper that by saying that he has a girlfriend. I think.

I will also say that we are work colleagues… Although different supervisors and regions. I’m actually good friends with his boss. Not that that matters exactly…

My best friend actually worked with him for a while, and brought him up as a possible love interest. I quickly squashed it.

I didn’t think he was strong enough for me… Probably because she recommended him. Why? I don’t know because I’m kind of a shit head lol

But, as time went by… I saw that his strength is quiet. I saw that he was a really nice guy, and a good father.

So the girlfriend… I don’t know. I think they broke up earlier in the year and got back together? Yes I have been nosy. She has their picture together as her profile picture on Facebook.

He does not… He doesn’t acknowledge her that I can tell.

But, I have no intention of trying to be shady. I’m just gonna lurk here in the shadows. Scorpion you know 😎

Last week, the person I work for expressed interest in buying the facility he works in… something I have been recommending for the last few weeks. ( having nothing to do with my crush… This honestly is a extremely lucrative opportunity )

Anyway, this person wanted to get a look at the facility discreetly… So I mentioned that I had planned on taking them Christmas goodies… And he could tagalong with me… After we delivered the goodies, we could ask for a tour…

So, this is what we did… And it ended up allowing me to visit with my crush for about an hour.

It was really nice. He asked me what I was doing for Christmas… I told him I didn’t know.

Which is actually true… My parents and family are celebrating on the 23rd… Which means for the first time, I am on my own for Christmas.

He mentioned that he was going to spend Christmas with his ex-wife and the kids… He made a point of telling me that they get along well and coparent well…

No mention of girlfriend.

I don’t know.

I’m trying to keep my hopes at a very low simmer.

I’m trying not to read more into things than I should.

I’m trying to let time do its thing or not.

I do think he is attracted to me. I don’t think that’s wishful thinking. I think a woman just knows.

Plus, he has delivered things to my office on more than one occasion… Things that typically would be delivered by a more junior team member.

But again… He could just like to get out of the office and drive. I can’t know for certain that’s about me.

Anyway… I think I am just enjoying the process… Or maybe I’m enjoying having real feelings for a real person… Someone I know beyond a computer screen…

You are the strong one. You are the one strong enough to walk away. Strong enough to be alone year after year, and God knows how hard that is. You sacrifice yourself for others, but only to a point. Maybe that makes you selfish. You’re not sure.

You are sure that staying where love has gone is not for you. Been there, done that.. Lesson learned. You should have left sooner.

But you can’t make someone choose you. Especially when they can’t even choose themselves.

He loves you but he’s afraid. And he doesn’t love you enough to choose you. He never chooses you. You remind yourself of this almost daily.

He never chooses you.

You can’t continue to try to be a part of their life. It’s hurting your heart. You can tell yourself that you are their friend… you can try to emotionally distance yourself.

But you love him, and you have since that day you met oh so long ago. You were supposed to be together. You both knew it. You know it.

You still want it. You can lie to others but not to yourself.

How do you kill that feeling? That hope?

He’s weak. He’s selfish because he still wants to hang on to you, even in these small ways.

You are the strong one

He’s sick now. He needs her to take care of him. You know this.

You could walk away. You probably should.

But you won’t.

You can’t.

You’ll just let go… just a little bit. Just enough to try to ease the hurt. Just enough to go about the business of living. To try to move on.

Try to believe that it’s possible to be happy. To feel something anywhere near what you felt back then.

What you do know is that you have to start dating again. You have to give someone a chance to truly love you. You have to close the door on this and give your whole heart to the one who does choose you. They will deserve this.

I have abandonment issues. For sure. But I’m trying to work past them.

Or I was….

and then I realized, what I really need is to be looking closer at the “Who” before even wondering “If”

See there was a time when I would have totally identified with the last meme. Even now after a year of ( mostly ) healing… I still feel parts of it

so yeah, there was DEFINITELY a period where I remained single because I was making all the wrong choices in men.

And if I didn’t make a bad choice in the man… Then I did something to sabotage it. Consciously or unconsciously… Always probably a little bit of both.

Because I was operating from a place of pain.

I think these things sometimes… I’m smart, funny, make a good living and independent…

I’m really used to taking care of myself. I’m used to being alone… being single….

Maybe I’m too independent for a relationship?

But the truth is… I’m single because it’s safe.

Because I’ve never given my heart to someone without them breaking it.

Without them wanting another or just not me

Being alone is lonely. It’s hard and often it hurts…. but it doesn’t destroy you.

I’m working on this last one. I finally feel good about myself

I’m still working on achieving my weight loss goal before trying to date again…but it’s not an excuse to keep hiding. It’s because I’m looking forward to a bright future…. because I know I have to care about myself… to love myself and my body… to attract the kind of partner that I desire.

But more than that… To have the kind of life I want to live.

Why am I still single? Because no one will love you until you love yourself… I’ve heard that 1 million times before…But now I truly understand

I don’t like being cold. Today I was outside in the cold with my dogs, and I was very very still… And in the cold, I felt joy. I felt alive.

I’ve been on a few dating apps. Constantly struggling between my not wanting to be there…. wanting someone to share life with….. feeling that I am not yet where I want to be before looking for a partner….

I hate that I feel like I’m selling myself like some kind of thing or commodity… or worse like meat.

Etc. Etc. In case you’re new to the world of Cinn, I overthink everything.

So anyway, I was driving down the street one day thinking about my Meyers-Briggs personality test assessment. I am an INFJ- very much so. ( Attached link if anyone is interested )

Anyway, one of the thoughts I had was that I wondered the chances of meeting another one, and would we be compatible?

That evening when I was swiping, I came across a man with this same link featured on his profile.

Seemed serendipitous…. I sent him a message. Something I almost never do. I have probably messaged first less than five times in all the years I have been single.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

Or… Keep doing what I have always done, and keep getting the same result I have always gotten…

It felt like time to take a chance.

Anyway, he responded. And it felt like magic. We were so much alike that I wondered for a bit if I was really into him, or myself….

I found him handsome ( although I will say the more I got to know his personality, the more handsome I found him… that wasn’t what attracted me. Intelligent, charming, funny, kind … all of my top qualities in a partner.

We talked for days all day and evening… I was on cloud nine. I wondered if he might be a good partner for me. The one even…

One of my fellow empath friends told me that my energy was so giddy that she felt intoxicated from it. I was smitten… oh yes, I was smitten.

And then he hit me with the D/s and kink related questions. The site we were on is OK Cupid… which is kink friendly. It also gives each user tons of personal questions that they can answer in order to find more compatible matches. I answered some of these questions, but only enough to suggest and not outright give away some of my secrets.

In retrospect, perhaps I still gave too much away. ?

He wanted to know if I was indeed submissive, or a girl showing a little kink to get a guy for some fun play in the sheets. I did confirm that I am submissive. We had a nice conversation around this. Then he took it into sex/kink and all of my guards slammed into place.

Few thoughts here…. First, why does an otherwise grounded man lose his mind when finding out a woman is submissive? Because I defer to my partner out of love and respect… because it seems to be how I am naturally wired… doesn’t mean you get to talk to me like a cheap whore. I’m not YOUR whore.

I need to clarify here… He just got too personal with me. Too sexual. Too kinky. But he didn’t cross into a point of no return

I’m actually the weirdest blend of uptight, prude combined with kinky slut…. lol… and you only get the latter side of me when I belong to you. That’s how this works.

And then…. I thought I cut that part of me out. Off. I have lied to myself for the last couple years. I thought that I could walk away. Not be that again. Not have that relationship again.

But here I was, with someone I thought a potential good partner… and the thought was thrilling. Not exactly how I thought I’d feel… or react.

Anyway, I made myself clear to him that this was not on the table to discuss at this time… but that I was interested in getting to know him more. He said ok, and then I didn’t hear anything further from him until the next morning.

I was disappointed, but we resumed talking. And it felt great again. In sync again.

After another couple of days he ” fell asleep on me” one night. Then I asked him if he wanted to have dinner Friday night ( we had previously discussed getting together for dinner over the weekend, just not what day ) and he told me that he was ” too exhausted from a hard week at work and wouldn’t want to meet me feeling that way”….

I knew he was lying. I’m an empath. I’m highly intuitive, and after talking to anyone for a day or more.. I’m tuned in to them.

I found myself wanting to believe. I told myself that I often feel this way. We are the same personality type… and we need time to recharge.

And then I felt disgusted by my wanting to make excuses for him. Not wanting to acknowledge that my intuition was right- like I promised myself I was going to do.

Then he did it again… I didn’t hear from him until the next morning.

I did not respond.
I felt consumed by anger. More anger than I am used to feeling… but in retrospect, I think it is simply because I am no longer suppressing anger.

It popped into my head that he feels he found someone better. Later I was told that it was more that he found someone willing to give him the sexual attention that he desires… ( I have a friend with greater ability than I have )

I never heard from him again. It’s been several days now. I thought at first that I would… but now I don’t really feel that.

What I do feel is disappointed. Disappointed in so many things and on so many levels. The opposite of giddy. The air has been let out of my tires.

I had a tarot reading not long ago. It said that I was entering a hermit period… a period of introspection and growth. This is true, only I’m not just entering it… I’ve been there… and I’m feeling frustrated and sick of the process. Even if I have made progress. Lots of progress.

But every time I try to date I end up with a bunch of men that I am not interested in… men who are not interested in me… and men who disappoint me.

I have no open dating apps. I’m just not feeling it now.

I am well aware the common denominator here is me. I know I have free will, but it seems that the universe continues to tell me it’s not time for love.

Universe…. or maybe it’s just me. Every woman has the exact love life that they want. I read this somewhere. I can’t decide if I completely buy into it or not.