Stop Wasting Bullets on Suge Knight

Suge Knight was shot multiple times this weekend at an MTV Video Music Awards pre-party. He survived. This would be a truly amazing story, if it were about literally anyone else.

Not so much for the man who made his millions (which were subsequently auctioned away on a very special episode of Storage Wars), at least in part, by dangling Vanilla Ice from his ankles over a hotel balcony until all of his “Ice Ice Baby” money came out. Suge Knight surviving an attempt on his life is like Andy Dick surviving a relapse. Of course he survived, he’s Suge Knight. What else is he going to do? Die? What, by conventional weaponry? Not likely. If that was going to happen, it would have by now. Man simply does not possess the technology necessary to stop this kind of force.

If you think we’re exaggerating how common of an occurrence this is in the life of Suge Knight, note this sentence from a CNN article about the shooting:

“This was not Knight’s first time being shot at a pre-VMA party.”

Who else on this planet is ever going to have a sentence like that written about them? Being shot at anything VMA-related has to be a rarity on par with meteors striking the earth, but it’s habit for Suge Knight. Stop going to the VMA’s, for fuck’s sake, man. All anyone can do is complain about how shitty that circus of an awards show is every year, but Suge Knight’s out there putting his life on the line to be there. Just stop.

If there is a bright side to his string of bad luck at the VMA’s, it’s that he sued Kanye West for mental suffering as a result of the first shooting. Enjoy sharing that tidbit of useless trivia with everyone who will listen today.

At any rate, do you know what else needs to stop? People shooting at Suge Knight. Yes, a bold stance for us to take, we know. It’s out there now, though, and there’s not a thing we can do to change it. So, let us explain instead.

You are not going to kill Suge Knight. We cannot hit on that point enough. In addition to being routinely gunned down at the VMA’s, keep in mind that he was also hit in the same shooting that killed Tupac Shakur in 1996, an event that left the legendary rapper so shaken he fled the country to live out the rest of his days anonymously in Cuba, according to several lunatics on the Internet.

Is it a coincidence that not a single witness ever comes forward when Suge Knight is shot? Yeah, probably, but what if the real explanation is just that, given his clearly unstoppable exterior, shooting at him isn’t even a crime people are prosecuted for anymore? What if that’s how he gets his strength? We have no real way of knowing what’s happening here, except for the part where it’s exactly like M. Night Shyamalan’s other decent movie.

It could come to pass that our only course of action to stop this is to issue littering citations to those without the common decency to collect their shell casings. It took tax evasion to finally snag Al Capone, you know? Creative strategies are exactly what’s needed if we’re going to put an end to people thoughtlessly troubling Suge Knight with their firearms. He deserves a life free from the stress of having to casually walk from the scene of your own assassination attempt to a nearby ambulance as much as the rest of us.