Author: dale.beck1@hotmail.com

JUST BLACKED IN THE LAST MARIE PAINTING I’M DOING FOR NOW…. AT THE BEGINNING, IT REALLY HELPED TO PAINT HER, BUT NO IT JUST MAKES ME FEEL SAD, BESIDES SIX PAINTINGS OF HER IS ENOUGH TO HAVE TO KISS BEFORE I GO TO BED!

MY LOVE IS UNDIMINISHED, BUT I HAVE TO RE-ATTACH TO THE EXTERIOR WORLD SOMEHOW.

Kept myself very busy today… For obvious reasons. Went shopping for food and a pair of trousers! first time for at least five years for trousers. Did my washing and hung it out to dry, stripped the bed and remade it, washed the bedding, still in the washing machine… Went to fetch Marie’s ashes… more later, and then took the dogs for a walk with Nathan. Amy, sorry Phoenix, made me a Valentine’s card, so I didn’t feel too bad about not getting one. Then I made a batch of chilli con carne (4 meals worth) and a batch of Vegetable Chilli, another 4 meals worth. So a productive day.

When I picked up my beloved’s ashes, I was very tempted to hold them close to me and never let them go… But sense prevailed, that way lies madness! I shall be taking them into Snowdonia and spreading them on her favourite walk.

She is with me and I feel fine. I’e even planned a day out in London, to visit a few Art Museums for my birthday… Something that was a tradition for us on my birthday.

Am I looking forward? I don’t know, maybe I’m just stopping look backwards, and that is progress of sorts.

Went for a walk in bulkeley woods with Nathan and the dogs, one of our favourite walks, just to see if I could still go to the places that Marie and I loved. It was fine, I didn’t break down and just remembered her exploits fondly. I think this is progress.

I’ve been quite quiet for the last week, realising that my efforts to deal with all the legal jumble which ensues when a loved one dies without leaving a will, was interfering with my grieving process… Let’s face it, the relationship I had with Marie was never about finances or legality, it was always and emotional and spiritual journey. She had spent decades exploring her spiritual development, was widely read and learned about the fourth way, she was very interested in Gurdjieff and his followers, had studied for ten years with a group in Amsterdam known as Subud…

The word Subud is an acronym of susila, budhi and dharma, three words with Sanskrit roots – susila, budhi and dharma – which mean:

Susila: the behaviour of a good human being according to God’s will.

Budhi: the Power of Life that is within a human being.

Dharma: surrender, acceptance and submission towards Almighty God.

The basis and aim of Subud is for members to embrace the qualities of susila, budhi and dharma such that they may worship and live in accordance with the will of God for the individual member.

In addition to the Sanskrit-derived definition, the founder described the word Subud as having its own meaning: originating from the source and returning to the source.

Bapak explained that members could find the reality of what this means for them as individuals through their own latihan. As explained elsewhere on this website, the latihan is an experience unique to the individual in which they can feel and learn for themselves the way of worship and the way of life. Bapak often referred to the latihan as “receiving”. Therefore any guidance or teaching is given to the individual by the Power of God directly in their own latihan, it cannot be taught by Bapak or another human being.

Similarly, my life journey had given me a great belief in Toaism:

Taoism (/ˈdaʊɪzəm/, /ˈtaʊ-/), or Daoism (/ˈdaʊ-/), is a religious or philosophical tradition of Chinese origin which emphasizes living in harmony with the Tao (Chinese: 道; pinyin: Dào; literally: “the Way”, also romanized as Dao). The Tao is a fundamental idea in most Chinese philosophical schools; in Taoism, however, it denotes the principle that is the source, pattern and substance of everything that exists.[2][3] Taoism differs from Confucianism by not emphasizing rigid rituals and social order, but is similar in the sense that it is a teaching about the various disciplines for achieving “perfection” by becoming one with the unplanned rhythms of the universe called “the way” or “dao”.[2][4] Taoist ethics vary depending on the particular school, but in general tend to emphasize wu wei (action without intention), “naturalness”, simplicity, spontaneity, and the Three Treasures: 慈 “compassion”, 儉 “frugality”, and 不敢為天下先 “humility”.

(wikipedia)

This belief I came to not by study, like Marie, but through intuitive analysis of the modern age. I hate consumerism and Capitalism and was searching for a way to lead our society away from the planet destroying acquisitiveness of the ruling elite. From my Green Party political leanings and my reading of Siddhartha and then buddhist teachings, I realised that non-participation in the race to consume could become a political act.

Bearing this in mind, the fact that we were both of similar faith, the fact that I have been spending all my time trying to sort out the financial and legal implications of her death was taking me away from concentrating on and venerating her soul. For she had a beautiful soul. I have loved that soul, through several lifetimes, and I’m sure several more to come. We are connected by a silver umbilicus, two halves of a single being.

So, after another fruitless bid to finally put the finances to bed last Tuesday, I made a conscious decision to take a step a way from all the noise of stuff that I really don’t care about, and spend a week coming to terms with my loss. I have been waiting for her to come to me, talk to me, come to me in dreams… And I began to despair. I couldn’t see her or hear her…

Then, as a revelation, I realised that she was here… As I walked the dogs yesterday, in beautiful sunshine, the revelation was that she was acting through me. Two things that I have done, or plan to do, which I can’t go into here, Were things that I would not naturally think to do. Sending someone flowers is something I have never done in my life, sure I’ve bought flowers before, weekly for Marie, but to send them to someone would not even occur to me. Yet I had done it. And the revelation? It is the sort of thing which Marie would feed to me when she was alive, she did it all the time. She always made me do things in a way which made me a better person. So I discovered she is with me, and she is showing it, not by bangs or whistles, she was always very quiet and private, but by planting seeds in my mind. This revelation gave me an enormous boost yesterday, and at last a sense of peace! Of course, the sadness is still there, just below the fragile facade of normality, but now I can stop listening for ghostly voices and dreams, and can live again. She is her in my heart and in my soul, the places where, strangely, I had told everyone else she would be, but I’d never listened to my own advice.

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