Jack: I just need him awake for a few minutes, can't you... inject something directly into his heart?Dr. Spaceman: Oh, I'd like nothing better. Unfortunately, we have no way of knowing where the heart is. See, every human is different.

Kenneth: I've had to send more money home lately. There are problems on the farm. After years of inbreeding the pigs are getting violent and the pig shield around the house has worn thin.Jack: Kenneth, how much money do you have in your savings?Kenneth: Well, let's see. [looks in his coffee can] Eighty thousand dollars!Jack: If you don't include Confederate money?Kenneth: Four thousand dollars!

Liz: I am a grown woman! I have been doing things my way for a long time. I don't like my "life stuff" mixing with my "dude stuff."Jack: A middle-aged woman saying "dude stuff," is that on my sadness scavenger hunt? Why yes it is!

Jack: Pete and I are having a little college night.Liz: Oh yeah you want to see me shotgun this?[Liz begins shoving an entire pizza into her mouth]Jack: Oh God! She means the pizza!Pete: She’s unhinging her jaw!