Thursday, December 01, 2011

THE RELATIONSHIP ON LIFE SUPPORT

Believe it or not; Relationships are dynamic. They're like the stock market. They either grow or they die. Unfortunately the death is usually never a sudden death. Just as the stock market may crash, it still opens the next work day. When Barbie and Ken get married it almost seems like the game clock begins. From the time people dance at the wedding reception you are going to hear people say: "Well I give it a year", or "I hope they can beat the odds".

The seeds of Destruction vs. the couple's inner conviction to the two principles I spoke of yesterday:

1. Divorce is a sin and knowing doing so will anger God.2. My spouse needs me and I took a vow and my word is important to me.

I think #2 can also include, my children need a mother and a father under the same roof.

In fact the last usually accounts for about 10 to 14 years of marital stagnation. I have a theory that most couples marry close to 25. They have children between 25 and 30. Between 30 and 35 they realize they chose poorly in a partner and want out. At the age of 40 desperation forces the one or both mentally to fish or cut bait. I feel that explains why so many of today's long term marriages last between 14 and 17 years. Here's a fact you probably didn't know: "50 percent of all divorces occur between 2 years from the time a couple first meets. Many pre-marital counselors insist that couples wait 2 years from the time they meet before making serious plans. This puts them in the winning half of the 50/50 category. The reason behind this statistic is that most people can put their best foot forward for about 18 months. I knew a woman that hid her smoking habit from her husband for 2 years. But after 18 months, it gets harder to keep up the lie. After 18 months you may discover something about your perfect partner that isn't so perfect and you just give up.

So what happens when you can't say: "I love you" and mean it?

If you're a victim of no beliefs, you say to your partner: "We need to talk". Then you go through the it's over talk.

If you're a victim of conviction #1 and you're concerned that divorce is a sin and knowingly doing so will anger God; you wait until your mate breaks down. By doing so, you subject yourself and your mate to an emotional/mental prison in the mean time. When a single person smiles at you, do you look away or are you tempted to respond? How long are you prepared to pretend? You may not agree but living with someone you're suppose to love, and pretending to do so, is like a diabetic pretending to take their insulin. The effects won't manifest physically but emotionally you will wind up in a spiritual coma. You'll be an emotional zombie. Then one day in a moment of weakness, your human needs will get the best of you. Then before you know it you've knowingly sinned in the presents of God.

Victim #2 is the worst. Victim# 2 wants to do the right thing because he/she has a conscience. The latter stays around until it's obvious they are no longer needed. Usually this is due to financial arrangements. But it could be health issues. It could be a plethora of issues keeping a couple not in love together. If a couple has children, the needs of their childhood is often something couples who may not like each other choose to prioritize over their own freedom.

What's the bottom line of a marriage on life support ? I'll use principles and and a song then you can draw your own conclusion.

1. You can not make a person love you.2. It takes 2 to make a relationship.3. People don't leave people they love.

To quote Michael McDonald in his 1981 hit "Little Darling"You got me giving up my pride, I don’t mind, I don’t mindThere’s always one person that loves more than the other,well I don’t mind, I don’t mind. ~ Michael McDonald When your relationship is on life support; remember this one very thing. You need to keep yourself healthy. Living in a pity party is not going enhance the dynamics of the relationship. The better you take care of yourself; the better you'll come out of a destructive split. The more unhealthy you are; the further down the split will take you. Treat your partner with respect because (see #2) you are both responsible for the condition of the marriage. So refrain from playing the blame game. If there is a shred of TRUE reconciled feelings, it will only surface when the other person knows they are not trying to be kept int the marriage. Remember #2 It takes 2 to make a relationship. That means it only takes one to end it.

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About Me

The Café Americain is back open. Thank you for being patient while I was on Sabbatical. But I am turning the Café into a no holds barred Road House. Please feel free to comment. Hit me with your best shot. It may not get posted but you can try.