I don't know where to
begin with this one. I don't even know in which direction to go, or in
which category to put it. I only know that it is a subject that is very
important to me at this time.

As
with many, if not most of my writings, the one for whom I am searching
for an answer is myself. I might have someone else in mind when I
begin, or someone else's problem as a direction, but I usually find
that my own problems become entangled in them.

This
last few days is an excellent case in point. I wrote and researched
"Appreciation" from several different angles, only to find at their
completion that I had not dealt with the problem I was struggling with.
In fact, I didn't even know I was struggling, or that the problem
involved me.

Then
I got, or was given, a nugget of an idea. It was a small thing to begin
with, not much more than just a thought upon which to base a story.
Actually that is not true, not entirely at least. For most stories it
is true, but with this story I was anxious and a little apprehensive.

The
story to which I am referring is The Rollercoaster.

The
more I wrote about the rollercoaster, the more I realized that I was
the one who needed to let go of the steering wheel and take my foot off
the brake. That I was the one who's vehicle was trailing behind all the
others.

And
by demanding control, I was creating a lot of frustration, anxiety and
stress for myself.

Me,
the one who has a reputation of sorts for boldly going where only fools
dared. Me, who in my own opinion was one who breaks down walls of fear.
Me, who could clearly see that very problem in others, and is always
ready to point it out. Me, who writes, and has written many stories
about that very subject.

I
had the answers, I had the understanding to a degree, and I had the
awareness of the problem - in other people.

What
I did not have is any insight into the fact that I was the one with the
problem.

And
as evidence that I did (or do) have the problem; the very day I wrote
the story, recognized and admitted my problem - and released the brake
and steering wheel (not entirely, of course, it's a process) my stress
left, I am much happier and energetic, and I got the first good night's
sleep I've had for some time.

Now
for the problem that is nagging me at this moment. Now for the big
question that brought this story about.

How
could I have sunk so deeply into such an obvious pit of despair and
egotism without being aware of it? How could I have missed the
signposts indicating that I was going the wrong way? And I, more than
most, had a lot more warning signs to pass since I had not only climbed
out of this pit before, but had diligently sought to rise far above it.

And
to make bad things worse, I not only thought I had risen above it, but
believed that I still was above it - and going
higher!

Blind
fool that I am, why couldn't I see the Truth?

And
that is my question. That is my quest. I want to find out what happens
with Truth. Where it dwells, and why it is so allusive; How it can be
missed, even ignored, by someone who diligently seeks it.

DO WE HIDE FROM TRUTH,
OR IS IT HIDDEN FROM US?

I
see people blindly continue down roads that are obviously wrong:
Intelligent, educated people whose lives are a terrible mess, and I
wonder how they can remain so blind to the fact. I wonder why they
can't see how they are hurting themself.

Are
they fools? Are they self-destructive? Do they just not care? Or could
it be some thousand other reasons that I don't even have a name for?

I
have attributed their behavior to ego, or callousness, or poor
reckoning. I assumed that, for whatever reason, they were hiding from
the truth. And I have covered much of this type of thinking in other
sections.

Now
I wonder. Now that it's me who is walking in the shoes of the one I am
so critical of, I have to pause and re-evaluate. Now having been the
accuser, and the accused, I believe I can make a little better analysis
of the situation.

I
am not one who intentionally hides from a problem; in fact I challenge
them: not from bravado, but out of fear. The longer I wait to deal with
a problem, the bigger it grows in my mind, and the more fearful and
stressed I become.

I
am not one to hide from truth. I seek it out. I question and challenge
it. I even doubt it at times. But I would like to believe that I never
deny it once it has been proven to me. I present as evidence of this my
response to the Rollercoaster.

So
if I am not hiding from Truth, is it possible that it is hiding (or is
being hidden) from me? And if so, why? And by whom?

Here
is where I draw a blank. I have studied the question. I have evidences
through other people that the problem exists. I even have much more
explicit examples in my own life, bigger and more numerous than I ever
wish to divulge, to present as evidence that the problem does in fact
exist; and that we can and do become totally blind to them.

And
here the question dies an untimely and unwelcome death.

But
I can speculate. I can offer some off-the-wall comments that may not be
particularly clever, or original, or correct; but nonetheless a place
to start.

The
first (and really the only) scenario that comes to mind is that hiding
the truth is intentional, that it is for our edification, in other
words, for our own good. Who is doing the hiding? I would say God,
which will be no surprise to anyone who has seen much of this website.
You might wish to call it Mother Nature, or the gods, or guiding
spirits, or karma. Whatever, in this scenario, it would be a force
outside of ourself.

From
my own experience it seems to me that I am allowed to blindly charge
into a situation that I would avoid with all my might were I to
recognize the dangers in it. And at this point I must differentiate
between situations I have gotten myself into because of blindness of
one sort or another; and those I blinded myself to because of my own
selfish desires. There are some which were my own doing (of course they
all were, but some truly
blindly), and some that seemed to have strong overtones of external
manipulation, and still others I just can't say for sure what happened.

Those
blind judgments and experiences I think of as the side tracks on the
Rollercoaster: Side tracks I would have avoided, or would have at least
cut short as soon as I recognized them for what they were.

And
had I done so, that is, had I not taken those false routes, I would
have missed two thing in particular, and one other very important
experience.

I
would have missed an opportunity to experience what I try to avoid in
myself, which would have meant that I would have missed understanding a
bit of what other people are like, and what motivates them.

And
I would have missed the opportunity to discover that the problem lies
in me as well, and just how deeply embedded the problem really is. And
along with that, I would have missed learning that I can also clear
myself of the problem, and discover the method(s) I must use to do so.

And
the thing that is especially important; I would have missed out on
learning how poorly I function when I am in control, and how much freer
I feel when I have released control, that is, opened my hands.

I
had hoped that by the time I finished this piece, I would have come up
with other ideas, but I'm afraid that hasn't happened. Maybe later.

* * *

And
later it is. Only 12 hours later, but after proof-reading the above
another scenario comes to mind. This one you may have already thought
of, and wondered how I missed it.

I
was tired. There are other reasons I'm sure, but I'll settle for this
one. It's safer.

Satan.
That old Deceiver, the Devil. Isn't that his job? Isn't he the one who
lied to Eve and made her believe a lie rather than the truth?

And
that is a key to the problem, that is, the lies (or at least
misinformation) we use to conceal the truth. Whether it is Satan who
tells them to us, or our own mind or ego that we hear; it is us, you
and me, that listens to and believes them.

So
we hear one little lie, believe it - which sets our direction of
thought, and build upon it. Like the cornerstone of a building.

Jesus
said He, as Truth, is the Cornerstone of the building. I understand
this to mean that if we set Truth as the cornerstone of our thinking
that we will build a structure of Truth. Conversely, if our cornerstone
is a Lie....?

The
above could explain how we can
blindly go into a situation, and become more blind to it the farther we
go. And this is true whether or not we give credit to the devil for our
dilemma, or take the responsibility ourself. (And who would want to do that?)

The
above creates two more questions:

Supposing
that there is no Satanic influence on our blindness, that is, our
cornerstone lie; How do we possibly learn to see Truth when we have
engulfed ourself with more and more, bigger and bigger, and more
sophisticated Lies? I think of someone with agoraphobia, that is the
fear of open or public places. It may begin with that person staying
home, but may well end with them huddled in a dark closet.

At
this final stage, how is that person to see their blindness? Of course
you could say that what they need to do is get out of the house and
overcome the problem. A reasonable suggestion, especially so when the
problem first began and was small. But if the problem wasn't seen or
dealt with when it was small, how then could it be seen and dealt with
when it is huge?

Outside
influence, of course, may help. But for this study we will assume that
there is none, and if there was, our self-deceptive lies have covered
up the fact that the problem even exists. In fact, it may have advanced
to such a degree that we believe that anyone not huddled in their
dark closet is a fool and is blindly running around in the deadly
sunshine.

So
then, as I see it, a person in the above situation has no way out, nor
- and what is particularly important to this study - they can not have
learned or benefitted from their blinded state.

Our
second scenario assumes that Satan exists, and has influenced our
blindness. This brings forth two options as I see it at this moment.

The
first option supposes that Satan is mighty and powerful, that he is a
force in opposition to God. That we are important pawns in his game
that he must win or destroy.

"The
Devil made me do it!" we cry as an excuse for our poor behavior. Can
the devil in fact make any of us do what is against our will? If that
is so, and he has us in his clutches - how then could we ever expect to
get free? And if we can't get free, how then could we ever learn from
the experience?

The
second option is that Satan is a benign influence, rather than a force.
This seems to be indicated in the Bible with his encounter with Eve. He
did not make Eve eat the apple, nor did he have any influence on Adam
at all. No, Satan only suggested that Eve could get
what she wanted if she did what she was told not to do by God.

Satan
is also called a Liar from the beginning, and the Bible tends to
portray him as such. (However, he used the deaths of many in his
efforts to dissuade Job).

If
he in fact is this subtle creature (which the Bible also describes him
as being), that all he does is whisper in our ear and points us in the
wrong direction - then we must accept the responsibility for what we
choose to do. We must accept that such a problem lies deep within us,
and all that Satan did was tempt us to act out on it.

And
if we acted according to our own will, then we can also take credit for
having changed our direction once we have "seen the light, the error of
our ways."

In
this second option we then learn something about ourself that we would
have never known. In this scenario we could even thank the devil for having
taught us something that we can utilize in our relationship to ourself,
to others, and to God. I doubt the devil would be happy for that, but
then, who cares?

[For
myself, I don't give the devil any credit at all. I assume that my own
failings have nothing to do with the devil, that I am not important
enough for him to even bother with, and that my own problems are
brought about by my own failings and weakness. So when I finally see
the light, I give thanks to God for having revealed my blindness, and
for having lifted it. And I thank Him for the lessons I had learned
while stumbling about in that blind state.]

Is
it possible that both options are valid? Maybe Satan whispers in our
ear, gives us the idea, and starts us on the road to our own
destruction. Then, as we journey farther down that road, we become more
and more in his clutches - which means that we turn over more power to
him until we actually are in his under his
control? That might explain why some
people never learn from their dark experiences while others do.

Those
are a few of the questions. If you found an answer amongst them, you
did better than I, because I missed it.