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Topic: Not a "real" family member?!!? (Read 8302 times)

How exactly does one respond to this? We've been dealing with the deaths of my grandparents. My mother was adopted and we've had some comments along these lines from their biological children. I know I may not be a genetic grandchild but these were the only grandparents I ever knew.

Ditto. I'd never speak to them again. But if you must say something, then I'd go with "Hmmm.. I suspect that Grandpa and Grandma would disagree. But to me, that comment is so ignorant and offensive on so many levels that I'm not even going to to debate it with you."

Ditto. I'd never speak to them again. But if you must say something, then I'd go with "Hmmm.. I suspect that Grandpa and Grandma would disagree. But to me, that comment is so ignorant and offensive on so many levels that I'm not even going to to debate it with you."

Wow. People who says those kinds of things really have their own issues. As an adopted child myself, I only really consider that I have one set of parents - those who adopted me. Is your mother still alive? If she is, and these are her brothers and sisters saying this to her/you, I would be very, very hurt - and I am very sorry anyone is insensitive enough to voice something like that ... hugs. Back in the day I would have given them a piece of my mind, and then the cut-direct. Who are they to tell you how much you love someone - blood or not.

Now, I, at the very least, would give a very stern and very audible "Excuse Me?" When approached with the insane-thoughtless question. And then etiquettehell would remind me to breathe and say something along the lines of "I know you are in a lot of pain from the loss, so maybe your diminishing of my relationship with Grandma and Grandpa, the times/years we spent together and the love and moments we shared is not really something you meant to say since I know they loved me and my mother just as much as we loved them and any of their children and grandchildren." If they persist, I would say something along the lines of "I'm sorry you feel I am not really a part of the family. I have always loved and cherished this family, and will keep that in my memories." Then I would turn on my heels and remind myself to never speak with that member of the family again. And I would be honest with anyone who asked why ... "Well, they said since my mother was adopted that I am not really a member of the family, as such I don't feel I have to interact with them or submit myself to those hurtful words anymore."

My sympathies for your loss, and for having to endure the boorish comment from a person you considered a family member.

That is such a hurtful statement. I think I might say something to the effect of, "What do you mean grandma and grandpa weren't my real grandparents? Were they holograms? Made of paper? Plastic? Huh, I never would have guessed that. Every time they hugged me and kissed me they felt real to me."

These biologic children are your mother's sisters/brothers? Did they go through life feeling like she wasn't a "real" family member? I think "poundcake" has come up with as good a response as any.

ETA: "Kaypeep's" response is really good too.

I really don't know. I know that my mother and her biological siblings were adopted after Grandpa's biological children were grown, so they did not grow up together. We actually are biologically related but not in direct line - when my mother's parents' died this family stepped in to keep her and her brothers together and in the family.

This isn't nice to say, but it sounds like that particular person (or persons) is resentful that they may have to share their inheritance with someone who isn't 'really' their sibling. This is horrible, even if it's only one person. But if all of them are behaving that way, I wouldn't be opposed to saying "I think it would be very shocking and hurtful to Grandma and Grandpa to hear you say something as outrageous as that."