Tuesday, December 30, 2014

I was still in high school when I met a girl from Idaho and we flirted a bit and then she went back to Idaho.
She sent me a letter. There was a lipstick kiss on the envelope.I opened it and little red paper hearts spilled out. The letter was sprayed with strong perfume which hit my nose and immediately made me vomit up my oatmeal. I had to clean up oatmeal vomit with little red hearts in it. I never read the letter, I just had to get it away from me as quickly as possible.
So, um, sorry girl from Idaho. I really did like you.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

I do this joke on my latest album, Atheist Christmas.I told it last week at The Punch Line in Sacramento, and I tagged it with, "If any of you know a few chords on the guitar and some words that rhyme with goodbye, hit me up after the show. We could have a hit."

Well, much to my delight, an audience member, Joshua Goodman actually took me up on this and sent me this original song based on my joke:

Lyrics:
I met Susie Mae last summer down at the rodeo.
I prayed to baby Jesus asking how far things would go.
She went to church on Sundays but she sinned the other six.
If only birth control came with that silver crucifix.
We had a laugh and we had a bite and then I walked her home.
I asked her why she had a pair of naked garden gnomes.
Don't mind that she said and then she led me to her room.
She winked and whispered in my ear we'll all be naked soon.

Susie Mae she broke my heart. Susie Mae made me cry. I wonder now how many other broken hearted guys.
Susie Mae she left me. When people ask me why, I tell them that her safeword was goodbye.

She had some toys I can't describe, I'm not sure what they did.
She tied me up in handcuffs made me act just like a kid.
The things she made me do I can't explain some memories repress.
But I won't forget how she looked in that latex dress

Susie Mae she broke my heart. Susie Mae made me cry. I wonder now how many other broken hearted guys.
Susie Mae she left me. When people ask me why, I tell them that her safeword was goodbye.