Breaking down barriers to mature sex

Published 4:00 am, Monday, November 24, 1997

"REMEMBER WHEN all we talked about was sex and shopping? Now it's hot flashes and ways to look young."

The woman voicing this sentiment, an attorney, was one of eight longtime girlfriends gathered at the enchanted cottage for a Sunday gab feast, a low-calorie, anti-oxidant potluck: green leafy kale, baked potatoes, brown rice, vegetarian chili, filtered water and a dessert of baked apples topped by a blended mixture of frozen bananas and fruit juice. Hardly gourmet, but, well, healthy.

My living room coffee table served as a buffet, and cushions placed in front of a robust fire to ward off the chill of a damp Sunday afternoon provided seating. We were dressed in America's uniform: jogging suits and running shoes. Prior to supper we had taken a long walk around Stow Lake.

The most outspoken in our clique, a real estate saleswoman, responded to the lawyer's statement. "Wait a minute guys, I'm still interested in sex, the same as always, except now I have to deal with vaginal dryness." Everyone began talking at once; we were a virtual tower of babble until the tinkle of a small silver bell, given to me for just such a purpose, brought them to heel.

A tall, slender friend, once a model, had been vying to get the floor. With some hesitation, she said intercourse hurts so much she has begun shying away from her lover. He was taking her reluctance personally, thinking he could no longer arouse her, and she was fearful she would lose him as a result.

The room grew quiet. We recognized that sharing such personal information took courage, and was a sacred trust not to be taken lightly. Many of my fellow supper club members, it turned out, were dealing with similar problems.

Our resident physician, a handsome woman in her early 50s, on the board at UC-Med Center, offered medical facts.

"Drying of the vaginal tissue is a common menopausal symptom," she said. "There are lots of remedies."

She suggested that we ask our gynecologists about hormone replacement therapy, as well as over-the-counter medications and herbal remedies.

"It's the lack of estrogen that makes the walls of the vagina smooth, drier, less elastic," she explained. We were getting an education, eager to learn more, pumping our friend to deliver.

"Why the tenderness?" This from the youngest of our group, a secretary for the president of a bank. Our expert said that tiny sores on the vaginal wall create a burning or itching sensation.

"Yeah, making intercourse as appealing as a late-night walk in Golden Gate Park without Willie Brown." It was the artless lawyer rogue. Our doctor friend gave her a caustic look, then emphasized her earlier point. Medications now available can ease this barrier to coitus.

Several women grumbled that this was fine, but they didn't like or want sex.

"Since menopause, I couldn't care less. It's a bore." The speaker tried to make her sentiments into a joke, but failed.

The issue is a serious one affecting many couples, we were told by a large, soft-spoken woman who had remained, for the most part, silent. A psychiatrist, she said many of the couples she counsels complain about the loss of desire.

That in turn can cause a spouse to stray, as he or she tries to ignite a fire that once burned with such intensity it was difficult to control. Sexual problems are more often than not the cause of divorce.

As our shrink friend spoke, I noticed a recent divorcee, once wedded to a prominent businessman, now a saleslady, attempting to stifle tears. She said her husband's libido was less than full throttle. He became impotent two years before moving out, and on, to a younger woman.

"For a year or more I had felt we were just going through the motions of making love, without passion, without release." She said he couldn't relate to her more mature body. Finally, they stopped intercourse altogether. "It became embarrassing."

This intimate revelation, and vulnerability, allowed the floodgates of sexual concerns to open as comparable stories spilled out.

"I can suggest a book that will help you," our physician chum declared. "It saved my marriage." We scurried to find pens and paper and poised for the title.

"It's "The Hormone of Desire,' by Dr. Susan Rako. I guarantee the information in that book will change your life and save your relationships."

As one, we elected to bypass dessert and hie ourselves off to a bookstore. We also stopped by Victoria's Secret. Never underestimate the power of a sexy nightgown, candlelight, romantic music.