Swatting another man’s rutabagas is a distinct breach of decorum.
It is a painful and indefensible act at best. It’s also not a big deal in the MLS.
In one of the stranger, groin-centric incidents to occur in American soccer, New York Red Bulls defender Jamison Olave gave Real Salt Lake’s Olmes Garcia a slap on the tenderloin during their Wednesday night matchup.
The Big Lead’s Mike Cardillo caught scent of the incident, which ended in Garcia grabbing his groin and executing a barrel roll toward the penalty area.
Here are Vines of the tap, courtesy TSN’s Aaron Ward and @TylerGibbons:
It was a dumb, embarrassing scene on all fronts, and it ended in Garcia receiving a yellow card for flopping.
I repeat: The guy who was backhanded in the brisket got in trouble.
Did Garcia overact? Yes, he went down quicker than a sweet muffin.
In his defense, a man brazenly popped him in the pudding pouch, showing zero respect for the social contract (read the small print, dude-on-dude groin smacking is outlawed).
Cardillo writes that video evidence could help MLS officials bring Olave to justice:
“Logic would dictate in the age of video and GIFs (or GYFs!) that Olave will likely earn a retroactive suspension for his actions."
Flopping or ...

Major League Soccer's Week 23 will feature a full schedule of nine weekend matchups, many of which have serious playoff implications on the line as the league heads into the final third of the season.
Starting on Friday night when Sporting Kansas City hosts the Philadelphia Union, and finishing up with FC Dallas' trip to Chivas USA on Sunday night, there will be plenty of action.
Here are 10 key battles for MLS Week 23.Begin Slideshow

The stakes were high in Major League Soccer Wednesday night, as the final four matches in the month of July were played.
D.C. and New England made the biggest statements by scoring three goals each, though the other two games weren't as explosive.
Despite the lack of goal action, we were still able to decipher who had the best and worst nights.
Read on for the list of the biggest winners and losers from Wednesday night in MLS.Begin Slideshow

Following a week that saw 31 goals over eight games, Wednesday's action in Major League Soccer saw the goal count drop a bit in four games.
Only eight goals were scored with three each coming from D.C. United and the New England Revolution.
Thanks to its big win at home against Toronto, D.C. put four players into the best XI from Wednesday's games.
Continue reading on to see who joined the D.C. quartet in Wednesday's best XI. Begin Slideshow

The Seattle Sounders lost for the second time in their last three games, as the Los Angeles Galaxy crushed the hosts 3-0 at CenturyLink Field on Monday night. Thanks to that win, LA catapulted into a playoff spot, sitting third in the Western Conference. Seattle remains on top with a six-point gap between second place Real Salt Lake with a game in hand.
The Sounders have now lost six of their last seven regular-season meetings against the Galaxy.
However, head coach Sigi Schmid didn't have center back Chad Marshall available due to back spasms from a car accident. His absence was felt as Gyasi Zardes opened the scoring, and LA didn't look back.
Here are five things we learned from Monday's match.Begin Slideshow

Following the United States men's national team's exciting run in the 2014 World Cup, many turned their attention to how that enthusiasm could be transformed into larger support for North America's domestic professional league, Major League Soccer.
While much of the media focused on inane questions, such as "Has soccer in America finally made it?" or "Will the U.S.'s World Cup run finally make soccer in America popular?", the reality is that no single event will ever be a watershed moment in the growth of the game in America.
From the glory days of the North American Soccer League, inspired by Pele and a host international stars, to the U.S.'s 1994 World Cup run, the inaugural season of MLS in 1996 and the league's signing of David Beckham in 2007, soccer's growth in America has always occurred incrementally.
And the numbers show 2014 is no different.
According to the blog MLS Attendance, the league in 2014 is slightly above its 2013 attendance numbers with a 0.58 percent increase. The average attendance at an MLS game in 2014 is currently within 100 fans per game of its record average attendance year, 2012.
The numbers on television are up significantly, according to Sports Media Watch, with ESPN ...

After a great week for the attacking players in Major League Soccer, the gap between Bradley Wright-Phillips and the rest of the top 20 players in the league grew smaller.
Wright-Phillips and the Red Bulls had the week off, which meant players such as Robbie Keane and Javier Morales were able to gain ground on the Golden Boot leader in the MLS Player Power Rankings.
Beneath the top three, a slew of players swapped positions after a week that saw a total of 31 goals scored across eight games.
Continue reading on to see who landed where in the list of the top 20 players in MLS.Begin Slideshow

There was plenty to see in Major League Soccer's Week 20, headlined by action on and off the field.
Vancouver Whitecaps and United States men's national team fan favorite Jay DeMerit called time on his career early in the week, announcing his retirement. DeMerit's rise from obscurity and English pub league games to the Premier League and eventually a starting spot for the USMNT in the World Cup was chronicled in the documentary Rise & Shine: The Jay DeMerit Story.
On the field, Sporting KC kept things rolling, while the New England Revolution and the Montreal Impact continued their respective slides.
There were also a number of beautiful goals, highlighted by Gaby Torres', Nick LaBrocca's, Federico Higuain's and Maxi Urruti's tallies.
Check out all the action in 10 Things We Learned from MLS Week 20.Begin Slideshow

Week 20 was quite the unique one in Major League Soccer, as the schedule saw just seven games thanks to a slew of friendlies.
Mixed in with the high-scoring week of league play, and the friendlies against European sides, was a major announcement made by a struggling side.
Speaking of struggles, there were a few defenders who suffered from them in Week 20, and they did not escape criticism.
Read on to see who were the biggest winners and losers from the 20th week of play in MLS. Begin Slideshow

The 20th week of play in Major League Soccer saw seven games played across five days, and in most of those matchups, offense reigned supreme.
Only one team, Colorado, recorded a clean sheet in a week that averaged four goals per game.
Thanks to the attacking breakout, our MLS Team of the Week is set up in a 4-3-1-2 to cram as many attack-minded players into the best 11 as possible.
Continue reading on to see which players were named to the list of the week's best performers.Begin Slideshow