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So I’m standing in a room, looking at those around me, all their eyes are on me with expectation, with grief, with loss, with no understanding, with guilt, with anger, with confusion, with sorrow, with eyes filled with tears and with love. That is what got me through Ben’s eulogy …the love and the unconditional love that a mother has for her child…. I’m just standing still.

Is this really the case?? After this last week I have been left to question life and the universe and all it has to show for itself… why you might ask dear reader….why indeed, is what I ask also.
You see my first born child and my only son died last Tuesday 21st January 2014… at the moment we don’t know why and we as the family and loved ones are left with many questions unanswered and we have to wait 10 weeks for the results of the autopsy.
Benjamin Hodgson, my son who was also known as Gwak, Ben, Benny Beep Bops (he’d hate me for revealing his childhood nick name) aged only 29 years, still had a lot to offer in this world. He was going to be in his final year at Box Hill TAFE, doing a music business degree, which he loved doing. He had excelled beyond his wildest expectations and was so looking forward to this year, he had scaled back on some of his social activities to focus on himself a little bit more. You see dear reader Ben had a heart of gold, was a scholar among gentlemen, beggars and thieves and loved life. He had the capacity to love and be loved in return… he was always there with a friendly ear to all who knew him and some wise words for those lost souls who found their way in his company. Everyone who knew him will say.. ‘Ben just got me straight away and accepted me for all my quirkiness’ for he never hated anyone, he never judged a soul, he believed everyone should have a chance to grow and develop with love, laughs and a bit of a drink on the side.
I’m starting this blog in honour of Ben, I found his WordPress account this morning and he was showing me a part of himself I hadn’t seen before…I loved it and it was almost like he was standing over by shoulder willing me to join up….now I don’t quite know what I’m doing, except to say I feel that this is a beginning to my healing journey as my heart has broken in two… which is quite ironic considering that I am a Spiritual Healer, however this is an unusual situation i find myself in…So it’s not all going to come out at once, it will happen when it happens and you dear reader will have to be patient as I take you on this journey of self healing and perhaps it will help you also, that is my wish.

So…begins my story here….this is the last blog that my gorgeous hearted son wrote before his untimely death….we are still waiting for answers and it will be 10 weeks before we know why he was taken from us so soon. Nothing can ever prepare you for something like this….no amount of other people passing in your life gets even close to losing your own child ….it’s a pain that I hope not many of you ever have to experience. Ben’s group on the Green Day community lead me to read this blog of his and I thank you so much ….I’ve found more of him and ain’t it grand? So I’m tentatively taking baby steps and I hope I don’t offend xxxxx love and light to all of you xx

There’s been some funky ass shit that’s gone down during 2013. What was weird was seeing all of it happen around me. There were marriages, there were divorces, there was victories & losses, doors closing but new ones that opened.

So on a personal level, I didn’t mind 2013. I was going into the second year of my degree full of beans and eager to learn. I was told going in that the second year was hardest year out of all of them. The past year was certainly a reminder that life isn’t always easy, but it also isn’t as difficult or as hard as some of the challenges I had faced in 2011 & 2012.

School started off with an interesting tone. To explain this better, I pathwayed into the BHI Music Business Degree from…