Online blog written by a female with Asperger Syndrome.

Social Network Settings.

I have now changed all my social network settings because I’m fed up of people getting at me. I haven’t lied at all. I have a right to see the situation from the perspective that I do. Others have hurt me and they can’t just pretend that they haven’t and blame me for everything! I should never have listened to the person that started talking to me in the first place. I didn’t realise that they lied to me to make me look like a liar and to get me to make contact when I shouldn’t do… so that the extra charges got put on. I couldn’t see it and I took the bait. I never wanted to fight anyone and I don’t want to get dragged into trying to defend myself. I can’t get anyone to understand my condition, so they’ll always punish me. I know that one of her friends told me about the ‘supposed contract’ which I was talking about on here. I didn’t know that it was, in fact, a lie and a few days ago (before I blocked them) they completely denied saying it. I don’t need their mind games. I’m sick of the childish behaviour displayed by fully grown adults.

I didn’t do my actions on purpose. I haven’t lied. I repeated what I was told by someone who I assumed wasn’t misleading me. I could brush it off as one of those things where someone is just being a shit stirrer… however as it added fuel to a court case and restraining order that I will stand by and say I did not deserve, I have to take it seriously. I can’t shrug it off. It’s not fair to play mind games with me because I’ve been subjected to enough due to others, not understanding or listening to anything I tried to tell them. There was no attempt to ever sort things out sensibly. And, everyone is still not being sensible here. I will never understand why someone hates me so much that they want to continue to put me through all of this hell. The order that got put on me caused me extreme distress because I couldn’t stick to it due to my OCD traits. I felt like I was constantly fighting with myself until I couldn’t hold my traits back anymore. That is what led me into a major painkiller addiction because no one understood the emotional distress they put me under by putting me in that position. I don’t want anyone trying to say to me that I’ve not suffered at all because I have.

I lost everything that I valued in that situation. The university place, all future employment opportunities taken away because of the record and most importantly… my sanity. It was fine for the other person involved because they have secure employment, money, and friends. Everything that I’ve ever wanted and now will never have because of the record (the restraining order being indefinite makes that never spent). I can never be close to anyone ever again to be able to make friends because I will always be constantly reminded of what they did to me when I let them close enough. I will never have money because I’ll have to rely on the benefits system all my life due to not being able to get employment. I went to university to start a new life and improve my future prospects… instead, I got torn apart and constantly be made out to be someone that I’m not. Whether the intention was to destroy my life or not, this is what the other person did to me. They don’t get to decide that they’re innocent of totally destroying another person. They could have just blocked me. I know that it was actually possible because I have an email managed by an education organisation now. I can add any email address to my block list and it will get sent to spam, then deleted. It is a standard thing on Gmail hosted accounts.

I just want to be left alone. I have been punished enough. The other person still has everything. They haven’t lost a thing! I can’t trust anyone ever again because of all this. I don’t even want to run this blog anymore because of being attacked for my opinions. I cannot help how I feel or how I’ve been affected. That isn’t a choice and by attacking me it won’t cause me to move on… it will hold things as they are currently into the future causing more hurt to me. I may never truly be able to get over everything at this point anyway. I am not a bad person. I just wish that others would see that. I’ve been badly affected too. I went back on the painkillers and I don’t want to go out. I went for a tiny walk today and just felt like everything was too much. I’m not very well okay, physically I can’t take others laying into me or any of the court case that is pending. I honestly didn’t mean to do what I ended up doing to the other person. I had no malicious intent. I either didn’t understand due to lack of social experience and when I was in OCD mode it was like being in a trance. I’ve managed to combat my OCD now… but it doesn’t mean that I know what is appropriate and what isn’t appropriate to say now due to lack of social experiences. It’s not like I’m a mean b*tch that thinks ‘oh I’m intentionally going to say something personal about someone else to really get to them’. I was honestly trying to be ‘nice’. I didn’t think about how ‘normal brained’ people would see it. I don’t have any ‘filter’ and I’m used to being open… but I’m becoming more and more of a private person since being judged. I just don’t want to discuss my life with anyone now because the last two people I have told my past to have used it against me and accused me of all sorts. I’ve actually stopped telling people my past and any of my business and they actually like me for what they see in front of them. There are no preconceptions there because they know nothing about me. There are no barriers put up either consciously or subconsciously about me. If I do tell them things then I make sure that I’ve known them for a while before I release bits of information. I am especially selective with revealing personal information about my past and life if I like another person. They will reject me if I don’t reveal things in that way because that is always what has happened.