Monday, January 19, 2009

It is the moment of truth, i took a very risky decision when i told my bestfriend about my secret, its been more than a year that we've known each other, but now everything has been revealed. It happened three days ago, i went to the office to sort out my last pay, it was dark already when i got there and since i am there already, i asked my bestfriend-officemate to meet me up before he start his shift in our favorite hangout area near the building of my previous work, so i texted him right away and he replied to me that he is on his way, i am very excited to see him again that i almost wet my pants, because its been a while since the last time we see each other, after a few minutes of waiting while listening to some music on my mp3 player, i saw him from a distance, he saw me and im waiting for him to give me his big smile that could launch a thousand skidmarks on my pants but he didnt, on the other hand we did our usual knuckle to knuckle hello and we sit comfortably, the wind is chilling at that time and we decided to order a coffee-all-you-can in a nearby coffee shop, trying to catch up what we missed, we discussed a lot of things like common friends, work and about his recent problem with his family, he is very upset and he wants to tell me about it before, but he couldnt because i wasnt around anymore and that makes him more upset too, i told him that he shouldnt and i am just a phone away if needs someone to talk to, he agreed on that, i tried to make him laugh and luckily i didnt fail, i missed the way he laugh and his smiling face, i gave him some words of comfort and some advices too as a good friend would do. After a few laughs he asked me what will i do this weekend, because he feels like not going home soon after work and he wants to unwind and go somewhere, i reminded him about my friends' overnight swimming party in laguna that i told him before, then with a begging puppy like face, he asked me if he can join around and promised me that he will not be a nuisance, i told him that i just cant bring him along without asking permission, its not my birthday and its invitational and without him knowing the crowd is totally different...i really want him to come, but the consequence is on me. I could read on his face that he already noticed that im hiding something from him because im telling a lot of different reasons, i really hate myself when telling a lie, im really obvious! So i decided to press the help button, i texted the celebrant, which is one of my bestfriend too, i asked what should i do, what else should i say, should i bring him along? then quickly i got a reply that really hit me, he told me its up to me if i want to bring him and tell him the truth, its the only way to find out who are your true friends by accepting who you are...this is it, i said to myself, its been a more than a year, i know him so much and i have a big feeling that he will accept me...First i told him that he can join the swimming party and he is very happy to hear that, and then i told him that he may find hisself out of place because of the crowd that will be there, he asked me why, whats in our group and what is it that he needs to know, I told him that it is very difficult for me to explain, so i asked him if he is an open minded person, i asked him if he is not judgemental and he said "Yes, Im not!" , he cant wait for me to answer his questions because i couldnt find the right words to say so he asked me "does your group worship aliens? is it a cult? tell me now come on, trust me" ...i couldnt open my mouth and i just keep on smiling while looking at him, since that we only have a few minutes because he needs to go to work, i grabbed some air and asked him to walk outside and i will answer all his questions...as soon as we started walking outside, he asked me "Are you all (bleep) in your group? or is it just them? or youre one of them?" ...I stopped walking and moved a few inches away from him, i smiled and said the biggest revelation to my bestfriend, the answer that he's waiting for, the three letter word that changed everything, the secret that i've been hiding from him...and that answer is "YES" ...He smiled and wrapped his arm on my neck and said "its ok...im still your friend and i accept you for who you are" ...but i removed his arm from my shoulder and said " please dont touch me, i feel embarassed because i hide this from you for a long time and you might think i harrassed you in some way before..." i just dont know what the fuck i am saying at that moment...until he placed his arm again on my neck and said "you asked me if im judgemental and now youre the one whos judging me...its ok, stop putting words in my mouth" then i said sorry and explained to him that it is very a risky decision, i told him that i also got scared that he might not like it and stop being friends with me anymore and i dont want to lose him, but good thing that didnt happen. We continued our walk and told him more about me, he even admit to me that he noticed something different about my actions or body movements sometimes but he just ignore it, i told him about the group, i told him about my close friends that he already met and i gave him some details about the swimming party, i asked him if he still wants to come after i told him my secret and he said yes without a single hesitation. We reached the main entrance of the building and told him that i'll just pick him up from the office after his work and go together to the swimming party, i asked him not to tell anyone about my secret and he promised he wont. When we parted my heart is pumping on excitement and couldnt wait to tell my friends about what happened, i have teary eyes when i got inside the cab because of happiness...The following day i picked him up as i promised, we had a short rest at my friends place and went to laguna in the afternoon, he's kinda shocked when he saw my fellow groupmates, i introduced him to some of them and we really enjoyed our time swimming, dancing, singing, chatting and we also had a lot of booze and brandy. We were a bit drink when morning arrived, some of us went to bed and some are just chatting to each other while drinking coffee, then i saw my friend alone in the pool, i approached him and we stayed on the corner of the pool, i told him, "now you know my secret, i probably cant touch you anymore because you might give it a meaning" he look at me and pointed something behind me using his mouth, when i looked what he is pointing i just felt a knuckle hit over my head, it really hurts..."youre being judgemental again, i told you its ok" he said...then he moved near me and asked if i can give him a hand massage, while holding his hand and pulling his thick fingers, i asked him, "now you know what my group is like, now you know what i like...what if i told you that...in some way...ahhhmmm... i like you?" he kept silent for a few sec and then he smiled and said "that i cannot answer" there was silence for a few seconds again because i also dont know what else to say, then he stand up and told me he wants to go to sit somewhere and rest, he asked me to buy cigarettes and i did, but when i went back i already found him snoring on the bed sleeping...I couldnt stop myself thanking him for accepting me and honestly until now i cant get over on what happened, its like a dream come true. Now i have nothing to hide from him, now i can be myself when im with him. That night is not just a night of revelation for me, but also a night of bravery, a night where i found a real friend indeed, its a story of my life worth remembering.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

If you started the year 2009 with a new job or you have just been promoted in your office then you must be so proud. If you started this year with a newly found partner who loves you so much then you must be lying on rose petals right now. If you think you started this year with a lot of compliments then you must be adorable. But if you will ask me how i started this year? you might just end up finding yourself to be very lucky. I am a happy guy, for me laughter is the best gift that we could ever have, i'm the guy who always makes people laugh, but of course im not everybody's cup of tea, thats why i always hang out with people who has the same level of insanity as i do, to avoid misconceptions and misinterpretations. I love those people who laughs a lot and make me laugh too, but laughter always has an opposite side. All of us have its own problem in life and i know that there are bigger things that is happening to someone else right now and they're probably still crying and hoping for a better life, they somehow feel like its the end of the world and they only got a few hours to live, mine is not like that but i just want to share it here. Count your blessings and not the bad things happening to you, well, i already did, and somewhat i have several, Im lucky that im still breathing, i have a very supportive family, i have some good friends and i still have some money to spend after i quit my job and i am grateful that i still have them until now. But what i couldnt understand is whats happening to my life at the beggining of this year, I tried to laugh about it but somehow its kinda unbearable, i dont know if im just being so paranoid or someone just placed a curse on me, maybe its one of those text message or email that says "if you dont pass this to 12 people, you will have a bad luck for 1 year", coz i usually ignore that, i dont know, i dont want to lose my mind because of that, or maybe i just noticed the bad things that is happening to me and i am thinking about it too much...anyway, It started on the 2nd day of the year, It has not yet passed 15 days when i officially lost the very love of my life, we tried to save our relationship and fix the problem but the decision has already made, my heart was crushed when i was asked to leave and it really hurts straight to my chest and into my heart, simply because i dont want to go, i still want to be with him, i dont want to lose him, but how can i stay with someone who doesnt want me around anymore, he told me that its better that way, so even though its really painful, i just accepted the fact that it is over and i cant really do anything about it and i should move on, only time will tell if we're really meant for each other, i'm happy that we're still friends, but i will truly miss him so much. Forgiveness went to its rightful place and after that i just put in to my mind my favorite line, that i should be nice even things goes the wrong way. I managed myself to stay calm after a few days, atleast now i know where i should stand..."think positive, think positive", i always remind myself, thats the morphine of your soul, that will make you stronger, dont be bothered by the things that is happening to you that makes you weak and distracted, be rational. To make myself feel better i just spend my time with some of my friends so that i wont feel the aftermath so much, laughter is always the best medicine, i still prescribe it, and i took a huge amount of it, i was high and crazy, all i see are bright colors flashing before my eyes, i was enjoying my time and trying to forget all the shit and stuff that made me feel bad...but suddenly, without any warning, it was brushed off by an intense black color of sadness again...One night I hang out with two of my good friends in a bar, i was happy and surprised because one of them seldom hang out with us and he was there, but i noticed that he had a big change of attitude towards me, i just dont have any idea what came to him...Prior to that, as i recall, he is certainly a nice guy without a doubt when i first met him and eventually we became good friends, we usually communicate almost eveyrday, everything was completely fine, until one day he just stopped talking to me, i asked some of my friends if they have heard anything from him, but non of them knows, until one day a common friend of ours told me that he stopped communicating because i am being posessive and he doesnt like that...I just dont know where that idea come from, what is posessive anyway? is it when you text someone a joke everyday? is it when you politely asked someone to call you, in case theyre are not busy and feel like talking? is it when you asked someone to hang out along with your friends?...OK my bitterness gauge is pumping 120kph, i should slowly pull over...A couple of weeks have passed and he seldom text me, he doesnt even answer my call, i just felt like theres a big distance, its like theres a thick high stiffed wall between us that i need to climb first before i could hear from him. Going back to that night, i just find out that he usually communicate with one of my close friend, im not jealous, no reason why i should be, somewhat i..am...hmmm...kinda...curious, especially the way he acted that night, thats what i have in mind. The three of us were still together and greeted the morning sky, i took my chance and i confronted him, i asked him why he became so cold to me, i asked him whats this sudden change all about, but my ears did not hear any serious answer, i admit it hurts, I'll ask you this, how would you feel if you have a friend beside you but makes you feel he doesnt want to talk to you or even look at you? how would you feel if you asked him for a chat but he refused and told you that he rather listen to a music? How would you feel if you thank a friend for a nice day but did not even respond to you and you find out that he respond to your other friend? Funny?...yeah right! My door is always open for him if he still wants to be friends with me, even though he treated me that way i forgive him and just like what i did when i lost my partner, i just accepted the fact and just think positive, be nice even if things goes the wrong way, bla bla bla, bla bla bla...just have fun and enjoy life, so i took a heavy dosage of laughter again after that...and i think i have taken a lot this time, because right now i am very ill, i am suffering from flu, fever and an irritating runny nose, i already took my medicines, im eating ponkan and taking a lot of water and after this i'll have a nice bed rest and how i wish i could dream of something wonderful...ill rest my head now and hoping tomorrow will be a good day for me and for us all...you must be putting your hand on your forehead right now forming a big letter L using your fingers? I'm a LOSER i know, big time, youre not the first one who said that. Somehow i thought that maybe im exaggerating things, placing some big meanings to it that would hurt me, im being paranoid, but i wish someone would told me if i really am and if i need professional help.