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Damn, the WWE just doesn’t put on shows like they used to. Take note that Summerslam 1989 featured NINE matches on the card which included basically all their big stars. Of course, this wasn’t as much of a spectacle as Wrestlemania was back then, but still a lot of bang for your buck. Tomorrow, Summerlam 2011 will feature a mere 5 matches. And I don’t want to hear about how much better the wrestling quality is now, because at the end of the show, all that matters is how much was I entertained. I could care less if Daniel Bryan pulled off a near perfect surfboard maneuver. Hell yeah I want to see action, but moreover, I want to see controversy. I want Summerslam 2011 to be so damn good that it will make me want to call up my friends and actually converse with them over the phone – something I try my damnedest never to do. I’m hoping CM Punk pushes the boundaries even further this time.

As a kid I remember being so surprised that Wrestlemania 4 was going to be live from Atlantic City New Jersey. The following year, Wrestlemania returned to A.C! You could imagine how much more shocked and pumped up I was to hear the announcement that Summerslam ’89 would be emanating live from The Meadowlands Arena in East Rutherford, NJ. That was back in the days when it was actually called The Meadowlands. Selling the name of an arena to make millions of extra dollars in revenue is obviously a smart way to monetize an establishment but The Meadowlands Arena is what it still is to many of us in Jersey, not Izod Center. Shit, I’d prefer Brendan Byrne Arena, after all, that’s the guy who had his name plastered on the arena for the majority of my childhood.

I worshipped Coliseum Video as a kid.

Their P.O Box was in Fairfield NJ!

Regardless of what the former home of the New Jersey Devils is now called, back then, having Summerslam take place live merely 20 miles away from me was a real kick. Seeing Hogan and Beefcake tag up was awesome, but actually, Summerslam 89 was just OK. Even back then when I was a kid who loved every bit of it, I didn’t think 89’s Summerslam surpassed the original previous year’s edition fittingly held at MSG. Although, lots of these young punk “smarks” as they are referred to, think Summerslam ’88 sucked. Well, this old school wrestling fan says they don’t know shit. And yes, I’m drawing the heat. See you at Summerslam?

Pretty convincing, huh? I made this in the style of the old WWF Event cards

that were slipped into the WWF magazine programs at live events. They no longer printthese up so feel free to print your own if you’re going to the show!

This WWE event card can’t possibly be considered classic. So, before you go running your mouth, keep in mind that not only did I create this event card myself in Photoshop, but the event hasn’t even happened yet! You’ll notice the event card lists the matches that will be taking place at Saturday’s WWE show at Izod Center in East Rutherford, NJ. I’m bringing my nephew to his first WWE event so I’m hoping it’s a good one, although I have my doubts. My main objective with making my own WWE event card for this show is to highlight an aspect of WWE that I absolutely abhor.

What makes you want to see a movie? Most times it’s a simple preview trailer that you see before another movie or on TV while other times you may have just heard good things about a film from a friend. Either way, a professional wrestling event is fairly similar to a movie in that way. No matter how much the WWE tries to distance itself from the word “wrestling,” that’s what it is and that’s what it always will be. If there ever comes a day when WWE Superstars actually cease wrestling in a ring, then it will simply become a TV show. But even the best TV shows air previews of their new fall season, their next episode, their season finale, etc. How else will viewers decide if they want to watch? How else will they even know about a new show or an upcoming movie?

Somewhere in the late ’90s, WWE stopped airing their Pay Per View promos that informed the audience all about what matches they would see at the next event. For instance, The Wrestlemania Report, was merely a few minutes and was hosted by Gene Okerlund, Sean Mooney, or Todd Pettengill…take your pick! The reports were fun, well produced, and always geared me up for the next big event. Seeing the card of matches being reported in a serious newsworthy way added significance to the matches. Occasionally just the sheer amount of matches would get me excited.

The modern day WWE could use help in selling their Pay Per Views, so bringing back a report like this would help. I want to know who’s going to be wrestling, why they are wrestling, what belt is on the line, what stipulations are in the match, and drop some history on us about previous bouts involving these competitors. This isn’t rocket science, this is the lowest common denominator! Why do you think people actually read Amazon reviews? Because they are trying to decide whether to buy a product. Why should I buy the WWE’s next piece of shit Pay Per View?

Capitol Punishment is the next WWE event and it happens live this Sunday. Unfortunately, I can only tell you 2 or 3 of the matches. Why is that? Mostly because WWE consistently fails to promote the matches at the next event unless it’s a week before the event, and they’re also miserable at making me care about any of the feuds going on at any time. This time around all we got was an abysmal, choppy, and lame attempt at humor where WWE Superstars were cut into press conference footage with Barack Obama. It told us nothing about the event AT ALL! Until the 2000’s, I was known to get really excited about the upcoming Pay Per Views because the matches were usually must see and WWE touted them as such every chance they had. Even the under cards added value to the events. Nowadays, I turn on Raw without knowing any matches, and it seems like they come up with them as the night goes along. They sure as hell don’t bother telling us what matches are going to happen next week on Raw, that would be too much to ask. Usually they don’t even know themselves.

We WWE fans continue to watch even though we have no idea what’s in store for us. Unless you’re a 6 year old kid like my nephew, you’re probably going to walk away underwhelmed. I suppose they don’t want to back themselves into a corner. I still think that a simple Wrestlemania Report would work better than telling every commentator to say “It’s going to be the GREATEST Wrestlemania in HISTORY,” because they say that every year, they just don’t tell us why it’s going to be.

Following Royal Rumble ’94, Undertaker went bye bye. After losing his casket match at the Rumble to Yokozuna, he (or someone made up to look like him) literally floated up to the rafters of the arena. When Undertaker returned by Summerslam ’94, he faced an Undertaker impostor who The “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase claimed was the real phenom. The real Undertaker defeated his doppleganger and all was well in the WWE Universe, or so we thought.

Back in the ’80s and ’90s, the WWF was a much different place than it is now. Pay Per View events only took place a handful of times throughout the year, which left several months of anticipation and live house shows to build up the excitement for the next huge event. The pay per view events were filled with drama and action, and none of it was spoiled by the modern day method of blowing their load on Raw and Smackdown. House shows back in the day were even more interesting because if you attended one, you almost felt as if you were in on something that only the people in the specific arena were privy to. Most of the time nothing groundbreaking happened, but once in a while something very cool or spur of the moment occurred. For instance, Diesel won his first WWF championship at a house show shortly after Survivor Series ’94, but the event we’ll be discussing today, The WWF Hart Attack Tour, was pretty routine. It all went down at The Meadowlands Arena in East Rutherford, NJ on Thursday, October 27th, 1994.

As a build up for Survivor Series 1994, The Hart Attack Tour featured a double main event. In what technically should have been the main event since it was for the WWF Championship, (before there were two main title belts) Bret “Hitman” Hart took on his former Hart Foundation tag team partner Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart. The other main event pitted The Undertaker vs. Yokozuna, which gave Taker a chance to exact some revenge on Yokozuna for beating him in the casket match several months prior at the Rumble. It also served as a nice build up for their rematch casket match at the upcoming Survivor Series.

The amazing thing about this card is that the two main events feature 2 WWE Superstars who are main attractions at Wrestlemania 26 which will take place later today in Phoenix, Arizona. It’s wild to think that with all the talented mofos in WWE like John Morrison, R-Truth, Christian, and others, that the WWE opts to feature Superstars who were headlining events back in 1994. Way to keep the new talent down Vince, you basterd! As for the rest of the card, not many of them compete on a scale as grand as the WWE anymore. If anything, you’ll be able to see guys like Doink the Clown, Tatanka, and Billy Gunn on the indy circuit, and chances are you’ll see one of them get inducted to the WWF Hall of Fame somewhere down the line. Jerry “The King” Lawler, I.R.S aka Mike Rotunda, and Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz aka Steve Lombardi are still employed by WWE in various capacities.

The 1-2-3 Kid, aka X-Pac, appeared recently in TNA, but the others seem to have disappeared. Where has the obscenely awesome Adam Bomb been? Full fledged Bomb Squad members such as myself deserve to know! Lex Luger has been in a quadriplegic state for several years. And of course, we know that the Beast from the East, Bam Bam Bigelow left us too soon.

Have you ever seen an interrogation scene? You know that sort of scene where the hard edged, no nonsense detective won’t let up and shines that excessively bright dangling light down at the suspects face? Well, that would be the serious method of finding out whodunit. The other way to find the culprit would be to hire Leslie Nielsen, no, not Frank Drebin, but the actor who starred in Police Squad, and Naked Gun and about 200 other movies and TV shows. What kind of missing person would warrant a Vince McMahon making a phone call to Leslie Nielsen? The Undertaker, of course! (BTW, Nielsen is also available for finding lost astromech droids)

Back in 1994, one the WWF writers thought it would be cute to have various fans and celebrities claim that they spotted The Undertaker. Taker had been out since the Royal Rumble earlier that year when Yokozuna beat him at his own game, a casket match. After getting sealed into a double wide, double deep casket meant for the the 640 lb. Yokozuna, Taker soared up through the rafters to WWF heaven, or, vacation time as it’s commonly known to the nation’s work force. The Undertaker wound up facing The Undertaker at Summerslam 1994, and it wasn’t as bad as it sounds, and it’s nothing compared the shit the WWE regurgitates nowadays.

The Summer Sizzler Tour made a stop at the Meadowlands Arena on August 27, 1994, a couple of days before the biggest Pay Per View of the summer. Considering the climate in the wrestling world right now, it’s definitely interesting to look back on this card.

Bret “Hitman” Hart, who recently made a return to the WWE, tagged up with Razor Ramon, a.k.a Scott Hall, who is in TNA now, and in desperate need of some of that ICOPRO that they were always promoting back then, even on this list of matches! They took on the late Owen Hart and Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Bret’s former partner whose daughter Natalya presently manages the Hart Dynasty in WWE. You getting all this so far? This match was set to amp up the interest in the Bret/Owen feud and get the audience to buy the PPV. One of half of the main event at Summerslam 1994 was Bret facing his brother Owen in a steel cage. Hitman won the match and afterward he got beat up by Owen and Anvil.

I missed Two Dudes with Attitudes (Diesel (Kevin Nash) and Shawn Michaels) win the tag titles by one night. The night after this NJ house show they won the tag belts from The Headshrinkers and went into Summerslam with the gold.

Not much has changed in the WWF’s women’s division. It wasn’t as exciting as the Wendi Richter days after they brought it back in 1993. Around this time, WWF pushed the hell out of Alundra Blayze and they threw every female that was willing to compete at her. The freaky and formidable Japanese wrestler Bull Nakano challenged Blayze here. Apparently Nakano is a professional golfer now. It was just a natural progression I suppose.

There’s no question that the WWF pulls some atrocious crap out of their asses and this house show was no exception. Mabel aka Viscera teamed with Doink the Clown to take on Jeff Jarrett and the late great Jersey icon Bam Bam Bigelow. Talk about burying talent! Did they really have to embarrass Jarrett and Bigelow like this? I’ve been trying to erase the memory of Mabel’s purple and gold jumpsuit every since Men on a Mission first debuted in WWF.

As for the other garbage on this card, Bob Holly took on one half of the Quebecers, Pierre, who also wrestled as a pirate named Jean Pierre LaFitte. The only thing that could be said about this match is that The Bushwackers vs. The Heavenly Bodies was more entertaining. The opening match featured Adam Bomb vs. Kwang, the green mist spitting masked ninja or otherwise known as Savio Vega. I’ve said it plenty of times here on The Sexy Armpit, and that is that Adam Bomb was cool. I don’t care. He hailed from Three Mile Island!!! If only I had one of those little bomb squad football missiles he used to throw out to his Bomb Squad Members. That would’ve made The Summer Sizzler Tour a worthwhile outing.

Sundays depress me. I know Sunday is a religious day and it’s supposedly reserved for rest and relaxation (lazy Sunday Mr. Pibb & Red Vines=crazy delicious). But, ever since I was a kid, I was never a fan of Sundays because I knew I had to go to school the next day. Even now, Sunday signals the end of an all too short weekend. Of course, I preferred going to wrestling events on a Saturday if possible, but if completely unavoidable, I was game for driving up to the Meadowlands for a WWE event. Oh, who am I kidding? I called in sick to school so I could go with my cousin and our moms to the Wrestlemania 11 press conference in New York City. Every day is a good wrestling day. Today we’ll take a look at the event card from the WWE event that took place on Sunday December 12, 1993 at the Meadowlands Arena in East Rutherford, NJ.

After his stint as “The Narcissist,” an injury forced Luger to get a metal plate implanted in his forearm. Surgery lead to Luger’s return to the ring, touting a new finisher – the running forearm smash. The WWF shaped Luger into an All-American hero, even slamming the 600 lb Yokozuna on the USS Intrepid. From then on Luger seemed to have been strictly pitted against “foreign” opponents. Much like Smackdown’s Russian monster Vladimir Koslov, Ludvig Borga was a Finnish powerhouse. What do they both have in common? They’re both boring as hell in the ring and lack versatility. Not to say that big, boring guys like them don’t serve a purpose, because they do. There’s always a need for heels, especially international ones!

The Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Crush feud was still raging since Crush’s heel turn. Savage and Crush were to mend their differences on MNR but it lead to Crush turning on Savage and then pressing him over his head and dropping the Macho Man’s face onto the steel barricade. Savage supposedly lacerated his tongue which sparked their heat up big time. Crush joined Mr. Fuji’s stable which also consisted of the late Yokozuna. Crush was also under the tutelage of Fuji during his time as the 3rd member of Demolition. Savage and the late Crush were actually good friends outside of the ring which translated into their great ring chemistry.

R.I.P Bam Bam

Believe it or not, I always liked Adam Bomb even though his “nuclear” gimmick was fairly droll. (Can you tell that I was a member of the “Bomb Squad?”) Bomb was better as a powerful heel, and when compared to guys like Borga, Adam Bomb was a ring impresario (not saying much). You’ll probably kill me for writing it, but I enjoyed NJ native Scott Levy’s work as Johnny Polo more than his persona as Raven. Presently, I yearn for the days of managers with a big personality and Polo was one that recalled the ’80s state of manager greatness. Polo was also funny on the mic when commentating matches. Nowadays, WWE lacks colorful personalities and Polo was exactly that. Ramon (Scott Hall) was unstoppable at the time. Even though he was a veteran in the business, he was basically new to the WWF except for a short run in the ’80s. After the 1-2-3 Kid beat Razor Ramon in a fluke on MNR, they teamed up a few times foreshadowing “The Clique.” It may have seemed like an odd tag team match but at the time, I remember this being really exciting match. The Kid matched up well with Polo while Razor and Bomb was even a decent matchup on it’s own.

A serviceable match, Jannetty vs. IRS held the crowd’s attention. IRS was a master at generating heat with the crowd. He grabbed the mic and started ripping into New Jersey, the swamps the Meadowlands were built on, and how we all evade our taxes. After a career in Michaels’ shadow, it was almost impossible for Jannetty to rise above his former partner. Jannetty was always an excellent performer with superior skills and awesome charisma. It’s a shame that his career didn’t take off like Michaels’ did. It’s also good to see Mike Rotunda making occasional appearances as I.R.S in the last few years since he’s working as a road agent for the WWE.

When M.O.M promos were being shown each week during WWF programming I doubt viewers had any clue they’d show up wearing glittery purple outfits. In video montages, Men on a Mission seemed liked they would have way more of an edge, sort of in the same vein as Cryme Tyme. Prior to their WWF stint they worked as heels, but M.O.M wound up debuting in the WWF as a far different team. With their rapping manager Oscar, Mable, and Mo were a consistent part of WWF TV for a few years. Mabel returned to the WWE and eventually became Viscera and subsequently, Big Daddy V before being released.

Virgil vs. Rick the Model Martel. Not much to say about this one, but I still maintain that Virgil needs to get his ass back into a WWE ring to take revenge on DiBiase by beating his son.

Overall, the WWF was far from experiencing a renaissance, but it remained entertaining. I have so many fond memories of the years prior to the “attitude” era. In the mid to late ‘90s, WWF house shows in NJ had low attendance and on this night, the Meadowlands was only a little more than half filled.

In past installments of Classic WWF event cards I’ve mentioned my disappointment with attending frequent wrestling shows that lacked A-list wrestlers. Today’s post features an event card that would make any wrestling fan at the time pop big time. In the early to mid ’90s, WWF provided family entertainment but never chinced on the good stuff that the true fans wanted to see.

Let’s take a look at the WWF’s event card which took place at the Meadowlands Arena on May 22nd, 1993. The second I heard that the Hulkster was going to be appearing at a house show in New Jersey, I seriously hulked up. I panicked, and even though the tickets weren’t on sale yet, I felt so nervous that I would miss out. I got great seats and I counted down the seconds until I heard “Real American” blast through the arena. Thanks to Hulk Hogan teaming up with his “bionic brother” Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake (they are good friends, not relatives) the Tag Team Championship would be on the line in the MAIN EVENT! It’s rare to see the tag titles up for grabs as the main event of the night but Hogan was the WWF Champ after beating Yokozuna at Wrestlemania 9. The Mega Maniacs would be taking on the formidable and experienced champs Money Inc, which comprised IRS (Mike Rotunda) and The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase. To ensure order in the match and to lessen the chances of IRS’ mysterious briefcase getting bashed into someone’s skull, Sgt. Slaughter was appointed special guest referee.

Back then, Giant Gonzalez was our massive equivalent to The Great Khali. He was a stone faced gargantuan guy who wore a furry Slim Goodbody unitard. For some strange reason, he would feud with Randy Savage at house shows all over the country.

A good friend of Randy Savage, the late Crush, had an interesting feud with Doink the Clown. You might think for a minute that Crush was in wrestling purgatory for having to participate in such a lampoon of a program against a clown, but that’s not the case. At the time, Doink the Clown wasn’t the silly, corny circus act that we know now. Doink was an evil, twisted clown and his character was actually pretty interesting. Crush was a great babyface and powerful in the ring, yet Doink’s pranks and stunts were effecting the Kona Crush. Surprisingly, this matchup kept the capacity crowd’s attention and was one of the most entertaining matchups on the card.Click Here to read my tribute to CRUSH!

For days and weeks after the house show, the most surprising moment of the show came when Tatanka beat Razor Ramon. At the lunch table in school the next day my friends asked how the show was and all that burst out of my mouth was “TATANKA BEAT RAZOR RAMON!” Regardless of heels and faces, I had favorites on both sides of the fence. In this instance, Razor Ramon was a heel and Tatanka was a face and new to the WWF. I was fans of both of them but I didn’t think Tatanka would be able to subdue Scott Hall who was one of the best in the business at the time.

The Steiner Brothers vs. The Headshrinkers feud went on for a while and it always brought out some fantastic old school tag team wrestling. The Steiners were made up of sheer power and technical skills while The Headshinkers were uncivilized yet methodical. The Steiners went by the book while the Shrinkers were reminiscent of their Samoan wrestling relatives.

After clucking around as the Red Rooster, Terry Taylor went over to WCW and eventually made his way back to the WWF. Upon his return, he lost the silly gimmick and wrestled as himself. “Terrific” Terry Taylor faced The Rocket Owen Hart who was beginning his solo career sans Koko B. Ware his High Energy teammate.

Considering all the years of punishment and repression Virgil’s character had to go through, I’d love to see a HUGE return by Virgil to squash Randy Orton’s minion Ted DiBiase Jr.

Also, notice the ICO-PRO ad at the bottom? Perhaps Vince should bring this shit back so his wrestlers would stop getting persecuted about taking Steroids: “OUR WRESTLERS TAKE ICO-PRO…SO SHUUUUUT UUUUUPPPPP”

For the 2nd installment of Classic WWF Cards we go back to July 7th, 1988. I didn’t expect much this time since the event took place at a local high school. For those of you not from around here, Perth Amboy isn’t necessarily the ritziest town, but then again it’s not that much better than the swamp the Meadowlands is built on.

Nearly one year later from our last installment of Classic WWF cards, Dangerous Danny Davis is still feuding with George “The Animal” Steele. It goes to show how long feuds used to last and how the WWF would squeeze every drop of excitement out of them that they could. I believe George Steele consumed 433 lbs. of turnbuckle padding during this feud.

Our local son Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Haku is one of those matches that doesn’t sound spectacular at first, but turned out to be one of the more exciting on the card. Those two wrestlers always managed to exceed expectations. When Haku went out on his own I thought, “O h g r e a t h e’ll t a k e t h e w r e stling w o r l d b y st o rm for s u r e.” in my most dry, sarcastic inner tone. I didn’t care much about Haku unless he was tag-teaming with Tama in The Islanders. On the other hand, the late Bam Bam always intrigued me since he carried a lot of weight, but was super quick and agile. Seeing him come down to the ring, menacing, with flames on his outfit and his bald head all tattooed up was quite a sight. His cartwheels and diving headbutts made for an entertaining attraction, although he remained underrated throughout his career.

I never caught one of Leaping Lanny Poffo’sfrisbees, and as gay as it sounds, I always wanted to. I don’t know if it was because I just wanted to catch something thrown from a wrestler in the ring, or if it was really because I thought it was a cool concept. Printing a poem he wrote on a frisbee and throwing it out to the crowd: cool or uncool? Nowadays it seems like an insanely silly idea, but at the time it was fun for the kids. Poffo’s later turn as The Genius seemed to have been more successful, but nowhere near the caliber of success that his brother “Macho Man” Randy Savage attained.

The card is finalized with a statement that throws salt in the wound: All NON-Title Matches! Regardless of the lack of headlining WWF superstars, I fondly recall my dad taking me to this event and having an awesome time. We sat only a few rows from the ring with a seat near the entrance, so I got to slap some of the wrestler’s hands. Be quiet…it’s thrilling for a young wrestling fan.

Welcome to ringside folks! It’s a slobberknocker here at The Sexy Armpit where we’re taking a look at the FIRST in a series of Classic WWF/WWE Event cards. An event card is the rundown of all the matches that take place at a house show, Live TV taping, or a Pay Per View. These cards are from events that I actually attended, and as we get into later posts in this series you’ll notice the quality of the cards diminish greatly. Nowadays you don’t see these match listings as much, since so many storylines change at the last minute, and occasionally a wrestler slated to appear gets replaced due to injury. But for now, let’s enjoy the classic days of the WWF as we take you down to Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura!

It’s Monday June 8th, 1987 and the WWF Superstars have come to the arena formerly known as The Brendan Byrne, what is now known as The Izod Center. In possibly the shittiest main event in WWF history, former referee “Dangerous” Danny Davis took on George “The Animal” Steele as their feud continued. Could you imagine if it went the full hour time limit? George would have devoured all 4 turnbuckles by that time! Looking back, I have difficulty categorizing this as even a mid-card bout. It didn’t bother me because the excitement of being able to go to a live WWF event was overwhelming. When I was a kid I’d be happy watching two jobbers wrestle in the main event just as long as I was at an actual WWF show. I don’t think I realized I was getting ripped off, but I was still upset that I wasn’t able to see some of my favorites like Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage. Not all the matches were specifically detailed but there was sure to be “other all star bouts” happening that night. It’s possible even they didn’t know what else was going to happen. “Who’s around? Do we have Hacksaw Jim Duggan? Throw him out there against Barry Horowitz STAT!”