6 Ways UCSB Could Improve Dead Week Without Actually Killing Anyone

Recently we learned that even though it’s called dead week, no one actually dies. While this probably does make some sense, it also doesn’t. Due to our newfound knowledge, we have decided to offer UCSB several ways to make dead week better without legitimately making anyone die.

6.) Pencils:Pencils are a great way to study, and are especially popular with Gauchos that don’t use pens. Pencils can be used for many things such as writing, drawing, and murdering. However, during dead week, only the first two of those things are allowed for some reason. That’s why we need pencils for dead week.

5.) Do Not Let People Get Fat:A complaint that many Isla Vista locals have is that during dead week they often gain 150-200 pounds due to the school allowing this to happen. A great way to improve this week would be to make food less easily accessible. Perhaps try making all the food in the dining commons into soups, or increasing the number of students to foster competition for sustenance. Get on it, Interim Co-Dean Mary Betsy Brenner (Girvetz Graduate School of Education).

4.) Kidnap Family Members and Loved Ones:By taking hostages that are near and dear to the hearts of students, they will be motivated to study more. Even though some could see this as the opposite of an improvement, we would argue that fear and despair can be great motivators.

3.) Cancel Class and Exams Every Time Donald Trump is the President-Elect:A surefire way to allow people to grieve after a tough political defeat, canceling all classes and exams whenever Donald J. Trump is about to be our next president will work wonders by letting people yell out their frustrations without the stress of impending schoolwork.

2.) Camping (Provided You Can Handle That Kind of Thing):A perfect study break, camping for 3-4 days in Big Sur with minimal equipment, dried foods, and a pet bird named “One for the Plug and One for the Load,” would be a great way to spice up Dead Week, as long as you like outdoorsy stuff. UCSB students would do great in the wilderness since they already have lots of practice in the outside and are also well-versed in different types of weeds. If camping’s your thing, this would be great for you. If not, that’s okay!

1.) Allow Cats and Dogs to Roam Freely:When someone sees a Doberman running straight for them, they are no longer worried about their nutrition exam. They are worried about being eaten. Becoming food>learning about food.

WATCH: Yeah, we all have D.A.D.S., just maybe not the kind you were thinking of: