Yesterday afternoon when I picked Leta up from school I asked her teacher if everything had gone well, wanted to make sure that if Leta had thrown her body on the floor that they were able to peel it off in one piece. She asked if we had any pets, because Leta had told the entire class about her dog, Chuck, and how he lives in the car.

Let’s back up a second. Leta voluntarily talked about Chuck? I asked the teacher if she had threatened anything to elicit this phenomenon, because the only way we can get Leta to acknowledge Chuck’s existence is to hang a Dora figurine over the trash and demand that she look directly at the dog or else DORA DIES. In fact, that’s the tactic we’re using most these days as leverage, heading toward the recycling bin with one of her treasures in hand, giving her the option of either obeying, or this? This Target insert from the Sunday paper, FROM JULY? Do you even have any idea how much pleasure it would be for me to drop it in?

Sometimes I do it even when she’s behaving, for no reason other than that it feels so good.

The teacher said no, she hadn’t specifically tried to prompt this Chuck story, only that she was reading a book about animals to the class when Leta piped up and told everyone about her dog who does not live in the house. It sounded weird that we would force the dog to live in the car, so she thought she’d ask.

Ha! Ha ha ha. No, no, we don’t lock the dog in the car all day, that would be crazy. And we are not crazy. Although, now that I think about it, I probably shouldn’t mention that we often like to balance kitchen appliances on his head. Or that we’ve photographed him using a human toilet.

I think Leta says that Chuck lives in the car because he goes everywhere with us and is always sitting next to her in the back seat. It hasn’t always been this way, but in the past four months we’ve made a lot of changes in our lives. It all happened when cousin GEORGE! moved out and we were free of his evil, manipulative influence. I mean, that kid is a bad kid, taught me all sorts of degenerate tricks, like how to make a bomb out of a pineapple, or how to drip a string of spit from a two story window and hit a target. Tricks that DERAILED MY LIFE.

So when he moved out we took back control of our destiny and started eating better and exercising more, and that included taking the dog for a walk every day no matter what. We’ve been diligent enough that we’ve missed only two or three days in the last four months, and this means that Chuck is getting more exercise than he has in years. That in turn means Chuck has slowly become more loyal, and in the last two weeks he’s rarely not in the same room as one of us. He’s even sleeping with us, which is fine until one of us rolls over to give the other one a loving touch, if you know what I’m saying, and it doesn’t matter if he’s in the middle of some wild dog dream, he can sense the loving, and he’ll look up and glare at us, like, are you about to do what I think you’re about to do? That thing where he goes like this, and you go like that? Because I was hoping to throw up today, AND NOW I HAVE A REASON.

When we leave to take Leta to school in the morning he’s there wagging his tail, hopeful that we’ll take him with us. And we always do, I cannot resist his wagging tail, even though Leta inevitably screams that he’s looking at her, or is touching her, or that he’s got four legs. One morning it was, MAMA! CHUCK HAS A TAIL! I DON’T WANT HIM TO HAVE A TAIL! A TAAAIIIIILLLL. A TAAAAAAAIIIILLLLLLLLL!

I’m sure the other parents see us in the parking lot, there every morning with the dog’s face in the window of the car, and are wondering why he’s always with us. Why don’t we leave him at home? Maybe because he would be lonely? He might starve? He might freeze to death out there by himself on the frozen tundra of our living room? Why? Does there have to be a logical reason other than that my dog is cute? If we had four dogs they’d all be in the car, too. Jon thinks this is totally insane, but he has learned to live with it because, let’s just say, sometimes he goes like this, and he would very much like for me to go like that.

Related:

Like many previous comment-ers, I would like to profess my love for Chuck. He’s like a surrogate pet to me, so much so that I have him on my desktop, balancing a stapler on his head. Loyal, friendly, and functional.

http://wackymommy.org/ Wacky Mommy

I think you and Jon know how much the Internet loves Chuck-Chuck-Bo-Buck. We’d take him in our car everywhere, too.

http://www.dusseldiaries.blogspot.com franciscovna

holy shit. you are damn funny, and I’m glad I get to comment and tell you so.

Christie

I loved this post. I think it’s one of the funniest I’ve read on your site.

http://emsxiety.blogspot.com/ emsxiety

For the people who comment to point out incorrect spellings and bad punctuation I have a question. WHY?

Love the post, love it even more since my baby girl is now 18. I miss those days.

Anonymous

Great post, Heather. Our dogs go everywhere with us, too. All four of them. But then we are in the South and it’s kind of expected.

https://hearyoume.squarespace.com reagabeast

You havenâ€™t begun to enter the realm of bad parenting, or substandard dog care, (forcing chuck to live in the carâ€¦. Tisk. Tisk.) until you kill your deaf daughterâ€™s imaginary dog in the garage door.

My mother killed my little sisterâ€™s (who happens to be deaf) imaginary dachshund by closing the door on him. One of my most fond childhood memories is my little sister splayed on the sidewalk wailing, signing over and over, â€œItâ€™s Dead! Itâ€™ssss DEAD!,â€ and my mother franticly signing at the proximity where she thought the imaginary dog was, â€œNo. NO! Itâ€™s alive, heâ€™s right here!â€

Then finally resigned to her fate as an imaginary dog murderer, her defense, albeit a weak oneâ€¦ was â€œI didnâ€™t see him. I didnâ€™t do it on purpose. I just didnâ€™t know he was there.â€

Good times!

http://blogofherbs.com/ Whitney

I have been attempting to take my dog Chester for walks on a regulat basis, however I have come to the conclusion throwing on the rollerskates and letting the 130lb beast pull me is much easier, despite landing on the neighbors grass more then once.

Star

Try two teenagers and three dogs. My home has become a circus.The mental torture inflicted on these poor unsuspecting canines is far worse than anything i could ever have imagined. When they were little they used to pull the “he’s looking at me” or “she’s touching me” on each other but now they’ve turned their attentions elsewhere. No wonder i have three of the most neurotic dogs on the planet. These children are evil – Satan’s spawn. I’m not religious but I’ll totally pray for you when you have another of each (because you will – guaranteed) and you’ll need all the help you can get

Dogs can kill themselves if jumping out of the back of a truck if attached with a leash. Our family dog did it years ago.

Icanread

Heather doesn’t MAKE mistakes in her writing on accident people! She intentionally inserts them to give the ARSEGRIP (Anal Retentive Sphincter English Grammar Royal Internet Police) something to do! It’s a gift to them. Recognize it for what it truly is. All you fruitloops, combing through blogs for mistakes are higher than my grannie panties under my boobs.

Anonymous

i take my dog everywhere as well…this has caused me to have nightmares about my car getting stolen or me getting into an accident when the dog is on the car. i need therapy. i dont care about the car, it is a nice car, but…my damn dog…yikes.

http://www.pixie-powered.blogspot.com PixieMegh

Woo hoo! Open comments!

I dunno what was better. Leta wailing about Chuck’s tail or “this” and “that”.

http://photorsquared.com binaross

Heather, you are the greatest bloggette ever and I just wanted to say that I was very sad when I finished reading your entire archive because I could no longer spend 30 minutes a day on your site.

Bossy’s Dane isn’t just Great, she’s too enormous for any car. So she dies in the frozen tundra of Bossy’s living room every day. Or at least that’s what she leads Bossy’s family to believe.

http://www.timkellyjenna.blogspot.com Kelly

Chuck needs to go too! He deserves to go! Dogs are people too! BTW, your Leta sounds a lot like my Jenna.

http://mamasgotmoxie.wordpress.com mama’s got moxie

like this and like that… sounds like my household. i can totally dig it.

http://sarcasticmom.blogspot.com Sarcastic Mom, aka Lotus

Ok. As long as Jon isn’t going like that and then you’re going like this.

Because that would just be disgusting.

http://www.oliviamccain.blogspot.com Olivia

I had a cat named Houdini. When I adopted him in L.A. the vet said he had been neutered already, so no worries about scheduling a surgery. A year later and Houdini is crying constantly. I assume he’s sick.
I take him to a different vet and she says “um…he’s a she. and she’s in heat”

no one knows a difficult animal until you have one with gender identity issues. and there is no guilt quite like the guilt of raising your girl pet as a boy, for the first year of her life.

http://projectmommy.wordpress.com shannymar

I really enjoy that you are starting to open up comments again, now I can just spend my entire life on your site! WAY TO MAKE ME NOT GET THINGS DONE!! ; )

Am I the only one whose dogs stare at me while I’m trying to have sex? I’m like.. dude CLOSE YOUR EYES!!

http://have-the-t-shirt.blogspot.com/ Have the T-shirt

Cute post!

What you don’t realize is that now that Leta has told her classmates about Chuck living in the car, they will go home and tell their parents and now when you drive up every morning with Chuck’s face starring out the window, the parents will think, “Oh that poor animal, trapped in that car 24/7!”

Bridget

I love how you always bring it full circle – thanks for the laugh!

Jason

Ha! Our dogs know that when mommy and daddy start taking their clothes off it’s time for them to go in the crate. We usually don’t even have to say anything to them. They just know they don’t want to whitness what is about to go down.

http://www.joeprose.typepad.com HeyJoe

COMMENTS OPEN! COMMENTS OPEN! POST QUICKLY BEFORE THEY CLO

http://www.surelyyounest.com JGT

Love that story! One of the other parents at my kid’s preschool overheard me ordering my dog to sit while we were waiting to pick her up (the kids were 2) and said, “Ahhhh, THAT’s who Xerxes is! My daughter’s been talking about Xerxes nonstop for months and we couldn’t figure out who he was….” ! But my DD loved our dog passionately at that point. Now she wants a cat and we’ve told her (she’s 4, f*&@ing fours) that Xerx would eat a kitten so she plaintively asks, “When is Xerxes going to die?”

Jessica

I don’t have anything specific to say about this post except that it is just as freakin’ hilarious as every other post you write. I just wanted to comment b/c I love your blog, read it religiously, and wanted to thank you for your continued humor.

Thanks, dooce, for brightening my day….every day.

http://misha-pooh.blogspot.com mish

i am the same w/ my dog! he goes w/ me if i am doing something quick… but i am single…and men just dont understand….

oh, and if i had a comment before reading, i would have been FIRST!

Don

so i kinda know what you go through with the relationship of the kid/dog thing. except mine is really centered around the kid/human thing. i swear if i had a tail- my kid would not want me to have a tail… and i suppose that would be normal as it would be weird if i were to have a tail… but you get my point.

http://www.gooseberried.com Gooseberried

Haha! Love the last sentence.

http://www.paintingchef.com PaintingChef

I sometimes wonder what people think when they look in our car and see a dog and two cats driving down the road…

As far as animals and… “fun without pants”… we seemed to have all reached an understanding until we got a new kitten. Who thinks that she should be involved in EVERYTHING.

Jami

I thought everyone went everywhere with their dog in the car. But of course, I haven’t left the South lately.

k

You are not a crazy dog person until you start taking him for a ride on Sundays. For no other reason than to give him a ride. Because he likes it.

http://btothez.blogspot.com Becky

If I could take my cat everywhere, I totally would. Although, “crazy cat lady” isn’t really as desirable a name as “crazy dog person.”

http://www.catsaremyfave.blogspot.com/ Amy

That is one of the best posts I have ever read. So funny and perfectly written. I give you the Valedictorian of the Internet.

http://www.thepalinode.com palinode

If only Leta had kept up her full-scale ontological rejection of Chuck for a few more years. He might have just vanished from reality one day, taking all memories of Chuck with him. Not that I’d want that for you or your dog: it just sounds cool, and would be a testament to your daughter’s force of will.

kari

Hysterical, as always! Welcome to the world of parenting a fully articulate, imaginative child. It only gets more embarrassing as they grow older.

http://www.bandick.com bandick

Does Chuck sit or stand in the car?

My dog refuses to sit for longer than 3.7 seconds at a time and so spends most of the trip wobbling around the back seat. She’s a large dog — it’s a small back seat. It’s a bit distracting.

k-m-s

I guess I missed it, but it would be great for the picture of Chuck using the human toilet to be re-posted. I love the Chuck pictures and that one sounds like a classic!

Thanks for the great laughs, as always!

http://www.yokocantspell.blogspot.com Yoko

I *heart* Chuck & Leta.

My husband and I’s dog (read practice child) Bowie had always shared the bed with us. He has his half and we get the other. My hubby’s feet don’t even hit the floor in the morning before he’s wormed his way up to the warm, newly vacant pillow. Spoiled, that dog is. He has to leave the room when it is time for “the loving touch” because he gets REALLY REALLY concerned that something is wrong with Mommy.

Great post, as always.

http://southcitygirl.livejournal.com southcitygirl

i love chuck.

J. Bo

You’re not crazy until you give in to his request to drive.

http://kitsknits.wordpress.com kit

I love that she’s objected to Chuck having a tail!

Also, the self check-outs, I SO relate. I couldn’t figure out what was driving the machine insane, until they told my son to stand on the other side of me. OOHHH Stupid Machine!

Erin

I had a cat named Harley from the time I was 16 that went everywhere with me. He hung his head out the window and let his fur blow. He was unaware that he was feline and not canine and we tried hard to shield him from the haters who tried to burst his bubble.

http://bluestalking.typepad.com Bluestalking Reader

You totally need a second dog. We have two Jack Russell Terriers/Terrors. My favorite thing on earth is when they stand side by side, sniffing each other’s butts, just because they can. And you’re missing out on stuff like that?

I hope as a fellow perfectionist you’ll appreciate me pointing out the typo where “these days” is missing the “s” in these making it “thee days,” which really threw me for a minute. Great post as always and I’m really enjoying the daily style section.

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