A journey of parenthood, instinct, opinion, occasional wisdom and more than a little dysfunction.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

The Mummy Mafia - Why It's Not All Bad

IMAGE : THE MOTHER LOAD | The Mummy Mafia - Why It's Not All Bad

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one. ― C.S. Lewis

Last week, I read an interesting article written by Em Rusciano via Mamamia titled, 'Why I'm Not Friends With Other Mothers' and it really struck a chord with me. In actual fact, it made me feel quite sad and sorry for her; I'm sure that's not the reaction she was after as its tone was quite self-effacing, but it made me realise that I truly can't imagine being without the friends I've made through our school community and through my children generally. In the case of the article, I am the complete opposite to Em; these days I definitely have more girlfriends with children than without. That's kinda normal though, right?? When it comes to schoolyard friendships, apparently not.

Moving away from Em's article, I feel like I want to defend the schoolyard mum friendship a bit. I know it gets a bad rap and I know not everyone is spoiled for choice when it comes to their school community but there's a bit of a stigma out there that the schoolyard is like a lion's den and I don't necessarily believe it. What I do believe is that stigmas are often inaccurate, and you get back what you're willing to put in.

For me, a big part of friendship at any age or stage is the stuff you have in common with each other. In our teens, it was those who loved getting up to the same kinds of
mischief as you who were considered your closest friends. In your early twenties,
your closest friends were at the same parties, or in your workplace and were perhaps also like you, meeting their potential
partner. If you talk to a large majority of women who have passed those stages and who are now parents, they will probably tell you that some of their best girlfriends are made up of those they met in mother's group, through kinder, or in their school community - their kids are the common bond and they act as one of the easiest conversation starters. In my case, although I didn't actively enter the school community with a
sign around my neck declaring my desperate need for friends (which I wasn't incidentally!), before
I knew it, I was surrounded by some brilliant, like-minded mums who I
really enjoyed (and continue to enjoy) spending time with - and you do spend a lot of time with them, especially in the early school years so like me, you might as well embrace it. In this phase of life where parenting is a significant focus, who else is going to listen to you rave on about the challenges, milestones and achievements in your parenting journey better than those who are navigating through them too? Who else will be there at the school concerts, clapping not only their own kid but yours too or more importantly shedding nostalgic tears as your kids graduate together?

I acknowledge that perhaps some schoolyard situations are akin to the likes of 'Hunger Games' or 'The Mummy Mafia' with their gossipy "hushed frightened tones"- I'm sure there are always those types in the every schoolyard who have the need to complain and moan about this thing or that person. Having said that, I would also suggest that you get those same moany types everywhere - in any workplace, in your church group or seated next to you at a dinner party. Life is full of those people and I can declare without a shadow of doubt that they don't all congregate in the schoolyard as is often the assumption. All in all, 'The Mummy Mafia' label placed upon schoolyard mums kinda bothers me because I think a) it's yet another heavily generalised assumption that we/ they are bitchy and shallow without lives outside the schoolyard b) you get back what you give out i.e. if you're going to behave in a certain manner, you're either going to attract the good people or repel them. Being time poor or absent from the schoolyard aside (which is often the case for some parents), I have never found an easier place to form great friendships as long as you're not being a total 'flog' (Em's words, not mine).

Although I'm really lucky to have the quality of school mum friends that I have, I don't think I'm lucky in the sense that making these wonderful friends was especially rare or unusual. If you go into the schoolyard with a closed book attitude then you will probably find quite a lot to complain about with regard to your school community 'colleagues'. Go in as yourself however, with an open heart and mind, and you may be pleasantly surprised at the joyful friendship-py stuff that finds you.

10 comments
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My little girls starts school for the first time on Thursday. Eeek! We are both so excited.

Yes, me as much as her I think. I know, I'm a dork. But I'm thrilled to be heading back to school with her and can't wait to be a part of her educational & social journey.

I'm also really quite looking forward to engaging in the school community as a parent, helping out in the classroom, on excursions, perhaps giving the Fete sub-committee a wide berth (the reviews ain't great).

But I agree, I reckon school mums get a bad wrap. I've heard how I have to be afraid of all the politics. But I'm not going to let that taint my opinion at this stage. I've already met some of the Mums (and Dads) at transition or previously at kinder and they seems great - warm, engaged, you know...."normal", fine.

When I had mothers group I heard terrible things about that too, how awful the women are to each other, competitive, judgey. But I didn't find this to be the case. And I have some enduring friends from that era, which means my daughter has friends she's known since she was week olds, which is lovely for her.

I do totally agree that you get out what you put in. That's not to minimise the experiences of some who may have genuinely felt they got lumbered with a dodgy bunch - but for as much press as this experience gets, I still reckon it's in the minority.

I didn't read Em's article, thought I've enjoyed her writing in the past. But maybe her school community just isn't compatible to her personality or way of life. Things might seem tricky if your kids were going to say, a conservative school if your personal views were more left of centre, or vice versa if you found the parent community to be overly hippy dippy and arty if you weren't into that.

The heart of it is, put in what you want to get out and if that doesn't work, just keep to yourself I reckon - I mean you either get on, which is great. Or you don't want to get on in which case what does it matter if the so called mafia whisper behind your back that your an uptight snob?

Probably nothing - until the party invites are doing the rounds, right?

Awesome comment, OSL. I wish you and your little girl the very best this week as she embarks on her new chapter. It's a brilliant time, filled with emotion for both of you. Mine is starting on Monday - given she's spent her entire life to date entering those school gates daily, she already feels right at home! xx

Certainly you are right, the first year of school though is hard on all, the child and the parent are breaking new ground and once past prep, everything seems to settle down and find some balance and then people start to relax a little and find common interests......we are starting that journey again this year.....going in with a positive attitude......it is hard meeting new people but also fun. Crazy - we have 48 kids in prep and I know about 8 of them so 40 more parent names (and kids) to remember ahhhhhhh

I totally agree with you, i have 3 sons and my youngest is in yr 12 this year. We moved interstate when the boys were only little and school yard was one of the first places that I made new friends. Some of those came and went but some of us are still friends 13 years on!

That's brilliant, Lisa. I feel that my lovely group of friends now have more than just 'having 'kids' as our thing in common, and I'm sure I've made some lifelong friends beyond the schoolyard. Thanks for your comment.

What a great post! I don't yet have school aged children, but I have a similar attitude to you - you get back what you put in (which is what I also thought when I read the original article). I attended the Mum's group at our local health centre almost two years ago now, and made some beautiful and wonderful friends who I know I can turn to anytime for advice/support/rant or to have fun! These friendships have also benefited both of my boys, as they regularly play with other children, my husband has also become friends with these families, and it has also made me a happier and better Mum from having this social support.

I think its important to have friends in many realms. School yard Mums have been some of the best friends I have had and also some that have lasted or we have moved on. But that is ok - not all friends are supposed to be around for a lifetime. Great post.

You really do have to meet people with an open heart and mind, don't you? Not to mention realistic expectations. As Annaleis points out in the comments, not all friendships and keepers and that's fine.

My Mother's Group pretty much abandoned me when I became a single parent. My daughter was 18 months old. They were disapproving when I continued breastfeeding until she weaned herself at 2 1/2.I moved two suburbs away when my daughter was around four and barely heard a peep from any of the Mother's Group. I think it was too confronting for them to see a solo mother. This was when I needed them most. It was such a difficult time.Thankfully I have made lovely friends in my new community, most of them from the local primary school. There are still many moments when I feel undervalued or judged for being in a small 'family', (me, my daughter and our dog). Disgust is evident when some of these parents realise I am renting my house. God forbid! Maybe it's catching, better steer clear. There are others who support me wholeheartedly and without these ( mostly women) I wouldn't have been able to work as a freelancer the past couple of years. It's really been a mix , and I can only assume fear is a motivator in these judgemental behaviours, so I try to practice compassion and be content with my lot.Thanks for giving me the chance to express.

I'm Sophie, a mother of two girls who believes the art of motherhood is best learned from the instincts of ourselves, and the wisdom of others. Come on this journey of parenting, life, often misguided opinion and my tendency to be a dysfunctional perfectionist.