Our Cartoon President (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

State of the Union

1
And now a message
from our cartoon president.
My fellow Americans
and temporarily unfurloughed
nonessential federal dead weight,
we are one year into my presidency,
and it's time to finally admit
I am absolutely crushing it.
These past few weeks alone, I've
achieved headlines with words
like "porn star," "shithole,"
and "cognitive function."
It's Showtime.
I mean, I can say "shithole," right?
Can I say [bleep] [bleep]
No?
We found the line for season one!
So, how did I do it?
Well, for one,
everyone knows my
brain has great bone structure.
My doctor said that my I.Q.
was 180/90.
He said I'm so smart that he
doesn't know how my organs function.
I mean, I was a great athlete.
The Yankees wanted me to sign,
but I was in talks with the Knicks,
which broke down because, how do
you say no to the Yankees?
One time,
Steinbrenner's having a party,
and Don King walks in with Roger Ailes
and two of the hottest,
youngest pieces of [bleep]
So, why is this show called
"Our Cartoon President?"
No one knows.
But I'd like to think that it's because
we're all in this together, folks.
Each and every one of you voted
for me, and the ones who didn't,
you kind of wanted to see
what would happen,
and it's happening more
than you could have imagined.
Now, some are worried that
this show might humanize me.
Well, too late, folks.
After my recent physical,
Dr. Ronny assured me
that I am a human being
and there's no cure for that.
I'm also our cartoon president,
and our show
but really mine begins now.
[inhales deeply]
[music]
[strains, sneezes]
[solemn music]
[woman] President Trump
enters this beautiful day
with a historically low approval rating.
- [President Trump] Fake news.
- According to
- [man] widely reviled
- Fake news.
- [man #2] bad president
- Fake news.
- [woman #2] piece of shit
- Fake news.
[man #3] Temperature today
38, which is still higher
than the president's approval rating.
- Fake weather.
- Tomorrow's
[upbeat music]
Okay, Fox & Friends, I'm ready.
Three white people on a couch
It's Fox & Friends
Welcome to "Fox & Friends."
It's 6:00 a.m., and, Mr. President,
rise and shine, and I love you.
I don't know what it is. There's
just something about this show.
Big week at the White House.
First,
the State of the Union address,
delivered before
a joint session of Congress
broadcast to the eyes
of the nation.
Sucks for whoever booked that gig.
And that will be delivered by none
other than President Donald Trump.
And we're also celebrating the
president's upcoming wedding anniversary.
Maybe if I'm quiet enough
she'll sleep through it. [pops can]
- Oh, Donald.
- Damn it!
When you dragged me here
from New York, I was sad,
but every year,
your anniversary gifts remind me
that behind the suit
the size of a beach cabana,
there's
a blue-cheese-obstructed heart.
That's why this year I'm giving you
the most tremendous
anniversary gift yet.
You're gonna love it even better
- than taking you horse hunting.
- Really? You promise?
Hey, I didn't get
three women to marry me
by breaking promises.
[music]
Why are you looking at me?
There's a TV in the room.
Here's what I don't understand.
Why do they get Hanukkah off,
but I have to go to work on
President Trump's anniversary?
[mid-tempo music]
And then Hillary called me to concede,
and it was official
I had won the presidency.
And that's the daily recap
of the 2016 election.
Moving on to top stories. A new
Quinnipiac poll shows you've cut
much of the excess fat
from your approval ratings.
I mean, you got
to love an approval rating
- that's nice and trim.
- With a firm ass.
- Nuch Dog coming in hot.
- A local deli has named a sandwich after you.
- And you didn't lead with that?
- Sir, I hate to interrupt,
but have you prepared
your State of the Union speech?
Well, I'm definitely gonna
bring up that sandwich thing.
And then maybe
I'll announce the national bird.
Mr. President, we already
have a national bird.
It's the bald eagle.
You make the bald eagle the national
flower. Trump picks the bird.
What happened at the end
of today's Fox & Friends?
I only caught the first 170 minutes.
Uh, Brian Kilmeade
said you're fantastic?
Kilmeade using
a three-syllable word?
What are you hiding?
I give Trump's presidency a 10.
- 10 for me.
- Well, I'm gonna go with a 9
because a part of my brain is
telling me that all of this is wrong.
My God.
I've lost Kilmeade.
Gentlemen,
I took a look at my polls,
and I'm sad to report that
our worst fears have come true. [music]
Only 38% of Americans
have good taste in presidents.
[sobbing] Does this mean
we're moving again?
Shut up, Eric!
- Shut up, Don!
- Yeah, shut up, Don.
Shut up, Eric.
I mean, that's actually
why I called you both here.
I love you, but I don't need you
trying to goose my poll numbers.
You leave
the heavy lifting to me
and stick to your roles eating
Gushers and barfing in hot tubs.
- You got it, Dad.
- Uh, hold on.
Dad, we're the best bros
you got, dude.
We know Americans way better
than some pollsters
who surveyed Americans.
This is the new normal, Don.
But don't worry about all this.
I got an easy trick presidents use
to juice approval ratings.
War time, baby!
Give me that nuclear football!
Hyah!
- Give me that.
- Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh!
Okay, okay.
Fine, fine.
So, uh, anyone have
any plans this week?
Give me!
Uh, I got
- Come here.
- Forget it. If you're gonna hog the football,
why not just take over
the whole government?
[door slams]
- Did he just ask us to wage a coup?
- I heard "coup."
- He did, right?
- I heard it, too.
- I definitely heard the word "coup."
- That's what he heard.
Hey, hey. Keep your pants
on, ladies. I'll handle this.
Sir?
I'm not talking to
General "Won't Let Me Start a War."
Mr. President, is this about
what the mean man said on the TV?
- Maybe.
- If you really want to be popular,
you don't use the weapons of war.
You use the strongest weapon
in the president's arsenal
the State of the Union address.
[music]
Every respected leader
has used the State of the Union
to lay out an inspiring and
unified vision for the future.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
and the New Deal,
L.B.J.
and the Great Society,
Ronald Reagan and the smooth taste
of Chesterfield cigarettes.
And now, President Trump,
it's your turn.
[crowd chanting] Trump, Trump, Trump.
[horn blares]
[chanting continues]
We've found
the president's tax returns.
They say he's the richest man
in the world!
[cheers and applause]
Reporting for duty, sir!
That's it!
I'm gonna give the greatest State
of the Union address in history.
Mark my words, I'm gonna
[grunting]
That's the closest I've gotten.
Wow. What a rush.
I'm coming for you.
But until then, I'm gonna win
the State of the fricking Union!
[echoing] Fricking Union!
Fricking Union!
Fricking Union
[solemn music]
Okay, Paul,
before I lay out my vision
for the State of the Union,
what's the House
pyrotechnics budget?
We do not have one, sir. That
said, I love where your head's at.
We should totally cap it off
with some sweet M80s, right, Nuch?
- Whoo!
- Whoo-hoo!
[all whooping]
- Gentlemen, if I may
- Whoo-whoo!
Y'all looking at me like I'm crazy.
I didn't start
the whoo-whoos, did I?
It's my solemn duty
to remind everyone
the State of the Union is not
a self-aggrandizing spectacle.
Ugh. Fine!
I guess I'll lay out an "agenda."
Let's hear some lines
that'll get me a standing O.
Poor people are gross, so let's
put smallpox all over pennies.
Nuch Dog with a banger.
Keep it going.
Too many people die every day,
and and their perfectly
good brains go to waste.
We could use brain tissue as
insulation for drafty office buildings
or, um, little, uh
little pillows for big dogs.
These sound great.
I mean, that applause
It's gonna be huge.
So huge that it might finally
fill the hole in my heart
left by my callous, unloving father.
[music stops]
[silence]
[unenthusiastically]
Whoo-whoo.
Well, how do we know
the meeting is over?
Does someone say "ding-ding"
or "ding-dong"?
Look, Mike, I hate to do this,
but I need to listen to you.
I need to get Melania
an anniversary gift.
What do you get the woman who
has the man who has everything?
- The Bible says in times of
- Skip it.
I got Karen and her closest
gal pals third-row tickets
to Joel Osteen's prayer fest.
I would have joined them,
but my impure thoughts
for an audiobook narrator
forced me to take shelter in
- the arms of God for the evening.
- So, wait, wait.
Y-You pawned Karen off
on someone else?
Why, she loves spending time
with her fellow Christ-ettes.
Say, why don't we set up
the gals on a night out?
Michael, have you met Karen?
It's like talking
to a human shower curtain.
- Why, thank you, sir.
- That's not a compliment, Michael.
And then Ohio came in,
and I was like, "Wow.
- I mean, I think this might happen."
- Yeah, whatever, Dad.
So, I know you said
we're out of our depth,
but we can boost your image.
Remember when everyone said you
were the dumbest person in the world,
then we showed up on TV, and they
were like, "We spoke too soon"?
We could be your new spokesmen.
We should definitely get
Susan on the paperwork.
Full disclosure, boys
I sort of made up Susan
so critics would think I had
someone doing paperwork.
Wa Susan's not real?
- But she sounded so nice on the phone.
- That was Jared.
All right.
Forget Susan.
Imagine it, Dad.
Your two sons on television,
- wearing makeup, kicking ass.
- Interesting.
Well, any man willing to put
on makeup for me has my trust.
- Go on TV, but no Sunday shows.
- Fuck yeah!
Stick to friendly confines
Hannity.
But don't talk about Russia.
I'm good. It's Eric
you got to worry about it.
Yeah, actually, Dad, uh,
it's me you got to worry about.
Eric, if you're ever in doubt,
you just find a policeman
and tell him you're lost.
All right, Chuck and Nancy,
before you try to slip your
agenda into the State of the Union,
just know you can't soften me
up with a bunch of New York talk.
Of course not, Mr. President.
- We're not going to talk about New York.
- What about it?
I was taking the Staten Island
ferry the other day.
- Empire State Building.
- Hudson River.
- Katz's Deli.
- Pizza! Uh, train track!
[together] Central Park!
Five.
Okay, you won me over.
What do you want me to do?
Just add the word "progress"
to your speech
so we can tell our donors that
you capitulated to all our demands.
You don't even have to mean it.
Now you're playing to my strengths.
And, by the way,
who's in charge of your party?
Right now it seems like a bunch of
seagulls fighting over a potato chip.
[gargling]
[spits]
- Ted Cruz!
- Aah!
- What the hell are you doing here?
- What am I doing here?
- What are you doing to your teeth?
- I'm brushing them.
You got hair on your teeth?
What am I missing here, Don?
What do you want, Ted?
I decided to pick the lock
on your bedroom,
sneak into your shower,
and wait for you to come in
so I could bounce a State
of the Union idea off you.
- Oh, here we go.
- Here's what I'm thinking.
Around minute three, you pretend
like you've lost your place,
say, "Oh, the hell with it,"
and let your good pal Ted Cruz
- take the reins.
- No can do, Ted.
But if it gets you out of my
bathroom, I'll tell people you're
not that bad of a guy so they
stop judging a book by its odor.
That's got to be the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.
And in return, I promise
not to stab you in the back
- for the sake of attention.
- Great. Anything else?
Now, is everyone
brushing their teeth,
or is this, like,
an alternative-medicine thing?
As we all know, President Trump and
I haven't always seen eye to eye,
but our boy has turned a corner
and decided to do things
the Washington way,
and I have agreed to value
political expediency
over my conscience.
[applause]
[up-tempo music]
- Hannity!
- The American people all agree
that the Democrat deserve to drown.
Moving on,
let's welcome the greatest sons
of the greatest president in history.
First, let me just say it's
an honor to be in the presence
of what used to be
Donald Trump's sperm.
- I'm feeling the high.
- Great to be here, man.
The presidency is going so well.
Good morning, Sean.
I am Eric.
Let's start with the first question
your dad told me to ask you.
- Why are you good?
- Uh, hate to interrupt, Sean,
but I just need to say right up front
that we are not here
to talk about Russia.
Of course. That's nonsense!
Russia doesn't exist.
Dad told us we're not allowed
to talk about it.
Uh, that Russia stuff is secret.
I doubt we've even been to Russia.
- I do not recall
- Yes, and anyone who says otherwise
can join Democratic
drowning victims in hell.
It's funny, Sean. The Russia
stuff is so good at being fake
that it almost feels entirely real.
Totally.
But, like, if it was fake,
why would Dad be so mad about it?
You'd think he'd be like,
"Oh, that's not a thing,
and we're moving on."
Eric, you're talking about it!
Shut up,
or Dad's gonna be so mad.
- Dad, we messed it up!
- You make it so hard. [crying]
- Fuck you, Dad.
- [voice breaking] I'm sorry.
[monoscope beep]
When we come back,
Rudy Giuliani and I will talk
over a black doctor, [music]
and later, we'll watch an
American flag throw a football.
Roll the reverse-mortgage ad!
And then they called Wisconsin,
and I was president.
- Do you want to hear it again?
- Always.
But, first, how's your State
of the Union address coming?
Terrific.
Stephen Miller's writing it.
I mean, that guy's incredible
at channeling my voice.
Oh, Anamalick,
demon of the unheard,
guide my syntax that it may
traverse the valley of darkest woe.
Ooh, hot, hot, hot, hot.
That's great. And I've just been
informed of your anniversary.
So, what do you have planned
with the little lady?
Well, I'd love to say,
but I really don't like
- to throw my wealth in people's faces.
- Ah, come on, Donald.
- We're all pretending to be friends here.
- Okay, okay.
It was gonna be a big surprise,
but here it is
limo, dinner, a tremendous
luxurious night on the town
for you and Karen Pence.
[applause]
Don't wait up, boys.
We're going to a restaurant.
Karen Pence?
She doesn't even know
the first thing about fashion.
She told me her favorite designer
is Cracker Barrel gift shop.
Honey, until I get a better job, we're
stuck here, so make nice with Karen.
- [Cruz] Unh-unh-unh! No tartar in Texas!
- Oh, no.
- What's Ted Cruz doing now?
- Mnh-mnh-mnh!
When I heard the president
and his phony-baloney cronies
in Washingtoni-ony
were working on an agenda
that will bankrupt
regular folks, I thought,
"What is the most callous, most
self-serving thing that I can do?"
And here I am, Ted Cruz!
Calling for a boycott of
the State of the Union address.
Additionally, I will be moving
forward on brushing my teeth.
Just need to find a toothpaste
that goes down smooth.
We know we screwed up by making
a passing reference to Russia,
but we can fix this.
We just have to get everyone
to feel really bad for us.
And so Eric's gonna go,
and he's gonna disappear
- into the Bermuda Triangle.
- Really, Eric? You're okay with this?
Yeah. I mean, I'm sort of just
hearing it for the first time now.
You know what?
You've done enough.
You'd better hope
my brain makes me tweet
something that distracts the media.
It's really anyone's guess
until I get on that toilet.
And the dog on my dress
is chasing a bone,
- and the bone is on my back.
- Oh, my God.
Now, here's where things
get really kooky.
- This dress has pockets.
- More wine!
You know what you need, Melanarnia?
You have this look that says,
"I'm not from around here."
What if I told you my gay barber
stays open late on Mondays? Ooh!
- Honey, I think
- Do not talk to me right now.
All I was gonna say is
that you look like Karen Pence.
She tried to baptize me
in reflecting pool.
Would it kill you to go with the
flow of the life I blundered us into?
Donald, when I moved here,
[music]
you were the only thing I knew.
You were my home.
But when you act like this,
I feel like a refugee.
So, tomorrow,
I go back to New York.
Katz Deli.
I mean don't go, don't go.
- Good night, Donald.
- Good night, LaGuardia.
I-I mean M-Melania.
[music]
[dramatic music]
Uhh!
Uhh
Oh, God.
[man] Where's your fire truck, loser?
[crowd booing]
We found Trump's tax return.
Turns out, he's only very rich!
- Melania, will you marry me?
- Yes, Colin!
Hey, Donald!
I used your toothbrush.
[laughing maniacally]
[tense music]
Ah, Ted Cruz!
That's a menace!
[soothing music]
He's a war hero
'cause he was captured.
I like people that weren't
captured, okay? I hate to tell you.
But what we want to do is to replenish
- the Social Security trust fund.
- Such a nasty woman.
Look at that.
I was so young.
They're bringing crime.
They're rapists.
And some, I assume,
are good people.
It's amazing.
I still have that same suit.
what we're getting.
And it only makes common sense.
When did I lose my way, boys?
It's this city.
It's these Washington losers
with the "you can't say that"
and "you can't put a mini-fridge
in your bathroom.
- It would be 'unhygienic.'"
- Here's the deal.
Washington's gonna criticize us
no matter what we do.
So we should just do us,
which is you.
I want to see the guy
who sued my mom,
the guy who totally owned a Gold
Star family on national television,
the guy who slapped me when
I underordered at Chili's.
You're right.
You gotta see this guy.
"Uh, I don't know what I said.
Uh, I don't remember!"
- That's the real Donald Trump.
- "I don't remember."
That's who's gonna win
the State of the Union.
- Uh, what should we do?
- Just do what you do best, boys,
which, to be clear, is nothing.
Got it. We'll do
the most nothing ever, Dad.
[music]
Tonight is President Trump's
first State of the Union,
and everyone's wondering,
"What will he do?"
Will he embrace Washington
or take a 40-minute call
with Carl Icahn?
Make it up the podium stairs
or deliver the address
from the doorway?
Mr. President,
I present "State of the Union
2018: Blood Horizon."
Allow me to read you one
of the more tame passages.
And, lo,
the tide of Caucasian might
will crush down on the
shore of Chicago, [music]
turning Lake Michigan seas
red with the blood
- of the irredeemably unemployed
- Great stuff.
We can use it for another speech.
I'll tell Susan to keep it on file.
[music]
Melania, the State of the Union
is about to start.
I'm going to New York.
I have tickets to Stomp in six hours.
Melania, I know
you didn't want to come here.
None of us did.
But Hillary didn't go to
Wisconsin, so here we are.
And we have to make
the best of a bad situation.
[Kushner] Come on, babe, time to go.
We can chitchat
when we're all in prison.
[epic music]
I told you guys not to do anything.
We just wanted to show you that
we're not bad at everything.
Duh-da-da-da
- Do you like it?
- Wow.
When you guys confirmed my ties
to a hostile foreign power,
I'll admit I was pretty miffed,
but this is awesome!
Dad, how about a hug?
I'd love that, but maybe
close your mouth first.
- I don't want to have to change my suit.
- Oh, it is closed.
- Don, am I crazy? Is it open?
- Yeah, Dad, it's open.
It's always open.
[gavel banging]
[music]
Mr. Speaker, the President
of the United States' son.
Ladies and gentlemen,
America is on fire,
and there's only one man
who can put it out
President Donald J. Truuuuump!
[dramatic music]
[cheers and applause]
[engine starts, siren wails]
My fellow Americans,
the State of the Union is
[horn honking]
[cheers and applause]
- I love you, Dad.
- I love me, too!
The next seven years
will be tremendous!
First,
I'm gonna finish this speech,
and it's gonna be a huge success!
Then we're gonna take
all the Time's Up pins
and melt them into guns.
And during sweeps week,
get your passports ready,
because we're taking
the whole country to Hawaii!
[cheers and applause]
Okay, folks, let's bang
out these special guests.
Bing, bang, boom.
We got cop, fireman,
woman thing,
science guy,
the sandwich named after me.
They're all patriots, folks.
[cheers and applause]
Loving it!
You know, ever since I won
the Electoral College
by the largest margin in history,
Washington has tried to box me in,
make me say dumb dictionary
words like "progress,"
and give handshakes that end
the same day they began,
but that's not who I am.
Donald Trump thinks freely,
brags bigly, and bings bongly!
One moment, I'm talking cake,
and the next, I'm threatening nukes!
[applause]
I'm gonna get it,
and I'm not giving it back!
We'll see how you'll like it.
But what I want to talk to you
about right now
is my wife, Ivana
Ivanka, Melanka Melania.
Yes, Melania.
She gave up a lot
to be here in Washington
escalators, pizza,
and I don't thank her enough.
[cheers and applause]
I don't thank you enough either.
Oh, thank you, Jared.
If you loved me, you'd tell
your dad to fire me.
Oh, Jared,
that will never happen.
That is why, in the spirit of
returning to my impulsive ways,
that I'm gonna name Melania
oh, I don't know national bird?
Do we like that?
[cheers and applause]
We like it.
Come on up, Bird.
How do you like
your anniversary gift?
You're back.
[applause]
Wow, look at these gibblets!
All the fixings!
You all want
to hear a bird sound?
Caw-caw!
Caw-caw!
She's working on it, folks.
[applause]
I give the president's speech a 10.
10 over here. Brian?
I'm gonna say a 9.9 because, again,
a tiny part of my brain
and it's so small
but it's screaming that all
of this is completely wrong.
I'll take it. Melania, I
won the State of the Union,
and I couldn't have done it
without you staying quiet
about the porn star I paid off.
I feel like I won
the State of the Union.
Right.
Well, you kind of didn't,
because it turns out there's
already a national bird.
Not a lot of people know that.
- But there is some good news.
- What's this?
An executive order proclaiming
that I tried to make you happy.
Donald, thank you.
[smooching]
More good news.
My State of the Union ratings
were so high,
they asked me to do it again
next year! Yay!
[rock music]
# Donald Trump is the president #
Donald Trump is the president
Is Donald Trump
the president?
Yes, he is
Yes, he is,
we elected him president
Is Donald Trump the president?
Yes, he is
We had a vote
and elected him president
Donald Trump is the president
Donald Trump
He is our president
We made him president
We did it
Donald Trump is the president
We elected Donald Trump
Donald Trump
is the president
Donald Trump is the president
Yeah
[vocalizing]
Trump!
Gotcha.
Let's have some fun.