Barbie Sex Diaries: Never a Bridesmaid, Always a Bride

This year marks Barbie’s sixtieth anniversary. To celebrate this milestone, we present a New York magazine–style sex diary, as written by some kid’s Barbie doll.

DAY ONE

9:00 A.M. Another beautiful summer day. I can already tell that it’s going to be a great one. I peek out of my one-bedroom condo (O.K., Rubbermaid tub) and see that Shana’s got the convertible out, and she’s filling the trunk with M&M’s. You know what that means—road trip!

9:15 A.M. Shana grabs Ballet Wishes Barbie and me, and she shoves us into ball gowns, no shoes. There are never any shoes, because Chompy ate them all. I hate that dog. Today, Shana names us Tiffany and Princess MacKayla. We’re ready to ride!

9:40 A.M. After some aimless hallway cruising, we park on the edge of Shana’s mom’s bed for a picnic. Shana bonks M&M’s against our mouths, then eats them herself. Next, she flips our gowns over our heads, puts our legs into splits, and bashes our exposed crotches together. Clack clack clack. Sadly, with my dress over my face, I can’t take in the cliffside view of the master bedroom!

DAY TWO

3:00 P.M. Well, this again. I’m fully nude, hanging from the closet doorknob by a scrunchie. My name is Vanessa now. As I dangle, an orgy of Barbies and Kens clack away at my feet. The Cabbage Patch dolls are made to watch. Not sure if this is appropriate for kids. But I guess they’ve seen worse?

8:30 P.M. Bath time! Shana takes me into the tub. I’m not sure if she knows that this is a figure-skating outfit, not a swimsuit—Shana’s never been a stickler for details. She absentmindedly puts me in a series of erotic poses on the tub’s edge. Rubber ducky looks horny A.F.

DAY THREE

9:00 A.M. It’s my wedding day . . . again! I’m marrying one of the Kens. He and I have been through this a million times. Today, he’s called Tyler (after a kid in Shana’s class). I wonder what she has in store for our honeymoon. Last time, I had to hump a Beanie Baby.

9:15 A.M. This wedding is amazing! Shana went all out. She crafted me a gorgeous gown out of Kleenex, and she even invited a handful of the Lego guys! Everything is perfect until the kiss—Tyler’s face is rudely mashed against mine, as per usual. But when my head momentarily collapses, we’re both shocked by the water that gushes out of my neck. Apparently, it’s been sloshing around in there since bath time. My gown is ruined, and it totally kills the moment.

9:20 A.M. Nevertheless, the honeymoon proceeds. My gown goes in the trash, and I am brushed, coiffed, and laid out on the ceremonial bed—it’s a Kleenex box with shells on it! Very tasteful.

But, uh-oh— What do I see in my peripheral vision? It’s the Lego guys. Shana makes them crawl all over my naked body in a sort of sci-fi prima nocta.

9:45 A.M. Of course, there’s more. Shana disentangles the Lego guys and finally brings in Ken. Sorry, “Tyler.” After meticulously rubbing us both down with green-apple lotion from Bath & Body Works, she clacks us together a few times.

Then Shana starts winding a long piece of ribbon around us. I think her mother got it with a fruit basket. Bound together, Shana stuffs us in the bottom of her sock drawer for “privacy.” Then she leaves for soccer practice. Hope she doesn’t forget where she put us.

DAY FOUR

Time Unknown No Shana today. Guess she got back her iPad privileges.

DAY FIVE

3:00 P.M. Shana’s packing to leave for her dad’s house. I’m all ready to go in the backpack when—get this—Shana picks HOLIDAY BARBIE! I know her dad gave H.B. to her and all, but what the hell! I’m jealous. Plus, it means a long weekend with no action. But it’s O.K. I know I’m still first string. It could be a lot worse. Rockstar Barbie got her face chewed off by Chompy. Now her head is just hair and a hole, and she never gets picked for anything. To add insult to injury, Shana started calling her “Dumbert.”

Besides, Shana will be back on Monday. And who knows what sort of sick ideas she’ll have picked up from watching “Game of Thrones” with her stepsister.