Sunday, November 11, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Gallup says that the 2012 election had the largest gender gap in history. Republicans lost the women’s vote by so much that they actually did better with women before they got the vote in 1920.

A burglar in Washington, D.C. beat up an 81 year old woman and stole her Apple computer. People were shocked. An 81 year old woman knew how to work a computer?

Some citizens in Louisiana have drawn up a petition to let the state peacefully withdraw from the union. The federal government is OK with the idea, as long as they convince Mississippi and Alabama to go along with them.

Denmark is planning to scrap the world’s first “fat tax”. Taxing fat in the country that gave us the cheese Danish would be like the U.S. taxing the bald eagle.

Denmark is planning to scrap the world’s first “fat tax”. Apparently the tax was going to be taken to court, but in a country where 47% of the people are overweight the government knew the scales of justice would be tipped way to the other side.

Daniel Day-Lewis spent a year researching President Lincoln for his role in the movie “Lincoln” and stayed in character the whole time, even texting in the style of Lincoln. Which was really annoying to his friends who would get texts saying “Four score and seven years ago, I had eggs for breakfast.”

Daniel Day-Lewis spent a year researching President Lincoln for his role in the movie “Lincoln” and stayed in character the whole time, even texting in the style of Lincoln. Although his research apparently didn’t pay attention to the fact that texting wasn’t invented until 140 years after Lincoln was dead.

A study says that people who live close to bars tend to drink more. A similar study says that people who live near Wrigley Field tend to be depressed more.

A study says that people who live close to bars tend to drink more. Which means that men who are married would be smart not to look for a home near the mall.

President Obama was finally declared the winner of Florida, four days after the election that he had already clinched. How slow is that state that they can’t even pick a winner when it doesn’t matter?

President Obama was finally declared the winner of Florida, four days after the election that he had already clinched. Which really upset the members of the Supreme Court who were hoping to get to take a Florida vacation to get to pick the winner.

President Obama was finally declared the winner of Florida, four days after the election that he had already clinched. They also said while counting the votes they found a bunch of votes from 2000 showing Gore really did win.

Canada is looking to hire energy workers from the U.S. Now we’ll see how they like people from the southern border sneaking into their country to steal jobs.

Students in Canton, Massachusetts are being trained on how to fight a shooter inside the school. Remember when the only life threatening situation you had to be concerned with at school was dodge ball?

The Vatican has vowed to never stop insisting that marriage is between a man and a woman. Or a priest and an altar boy.

A study shows that a bad hire can take up one day a week of a manager’s time. In the case of the Cleveland Browns that day happens to be every Sunday.

Financial experts say that thousands of small banks may disappear over the next decade. Mostly because most people’s life savings disappeared over the past decade.

Financial experts say that thousands of small banks may disappear over the next decade. The worst part is that many of those institutions used to be big banks.

The Waffle House CEO has been accused of demanding sex from an employee in order for her to keep her job. How bad is the economy that people can be harassed into staying on at a job at the Waffle House?

Economists say the worst of the European economic crisis may be over. In other words, the rioting in Greece along with 25% unemployment is a sign that things have returned to normal.

A study says that exercise can actually suppress a person’s appetite. Especially when hot dog eating contests are now considered athletic events.

A study says that gargling with lemonade can help boost a person’s self control. Gargling with beer can boost it even more, especially when the person has the willpower to not swallow it when they are done.

A study says pre-drinking before parties leads to more booze, drugs and sex for college kids. If everyone is already drunk before the party starts, why is there even the need for a party?

A study says pre-drinking before parties leads to more booze, drugs and sex for college kids. Or as students at UNLV call pre-drinking, “breakfast”.

CIA Chief General David Petraeus has resigned after having an affair. Apparently “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell doesn’t apply to heterosexuals anymore, either.

The L.A. City Council has passed a resolution urging people to honor Meatless Monday to promote more vegetarianism. Which means that Monday business should be quadrupling at L.A. area Taco Bells.

The L.A. City Council has passed a resolution urging people to honor Meatless Monday to promote more vegetarianism. It looks like they are going to have a lot more work in store to try to get their other resolution calling for “No Silicone Tuesday” and “Avoid Botox Wednesday”.

A new candy claims it also acts as a deodorant. Although it may have trouble catching on as people say it tastes quite a bit like Right Guard.

A new candy claims it also acts as a deodorant. The only problem is that while users smell better to the opposite sex, they have trouble getting dates after gaining 30 pounds using it.

Social scientists are studying what makes people cool. The first thing is not being a social scientist.

Social scientists are studying what makes people cool. Money was ruled out just by studying Donald Trump, Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg.

Handwritten love letters from Mick Jagger to an old girlfriend are going to be auctioned off. They are considered very rare because they are the only records of Jagger ever writing love notes to anyone but himself.

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have reportedly broken up. Apparently she was frustrated at his having to cut dates short to do his homework and be in bed by 8:00.

Michael Arndt, who wrote the script for “Little Miss Sunshine” will write the script for “Star Wars VII”. Apparently it has Han Solo and Chewbacca trolling around the universe in a 1973 VW Microbus.

Michael Arndt, who wrote the script for “Toy Story 3” will write the script for “Star Wars VII”. Although Harrison Ford is already having problems with his new catch phrase “To infinity and beyond!”

A study says that people’s bodies know that a big event is coming before it happens. Which is why Cubs fans sometimes go into convulsions upon arriving at Wrigley Field.

A study says that people’s bodies know that a big event is coming before it happens. Which is why most women are not all that excited at the thought of having sex.

A study says that people’s bodies know that a big event is coming before it happens. Which explains why Mitt Romney stayed in bed all day during the election.

The BBC has blocked a live attempt to talk to aliens on TV because they were afraid the aliens might use profanity. Apparently they were already aware of what “Boop, ork, beep” really means.

Apple has paid $21 Million for a clock design to use on their computers. The design came from the Swiss National Railway. They could have gotten a design for $7.50 but were afraid of what might happen if they used the one from Amtrak.

A study says that alcohol can ruin a man’s appreciation for irony and can block feelings of empathy. What the study didn’t show is that is also pretty much true for most men who don’t drink.

A dress worn by Judy Garland in “The Wizard of Oz” was sold at auction for $480,000. Although that could be passed easily when Kirstie Alley bids on Lady Gaga’s meat dress.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the elections are over. Fortunately, our politicians don’t just say stupid things to get reelected, they make a full time career of it which means the material will never dry up. That means the jokes will keep coming, just as long as you remember to send the love!