I am aware of my late fines that have accrued over the years. Trust me, nobody is more frustrated by them than I. As hard as it may be to believe, I have never once intentionally held onto a copy of the Magic School Bus an extra day or week because I couldn’t get enough of the 2000 words of quotes and side copy. If I wanted to pore over that much word clutter, I’d open up the not-so Affordable Care Act. In fact, as much as I love reading to my kids, I was ecstatic when my oldest child became a champion reader over the summer and could sit and read these books to himself or his siblings.

Still, thanks to frequent misplacement of books under the couch or behind the dresser or under the car seat, and the fact that sometimes the idea of venturing out to the library with four little kids in tow is about as attractive as watching Miley Cyrus “perform,” we have once again neglected to return water-stained copies of such fine literature as Elmo Finally Learns to Refer to Himself in the First Person.*

The latest book for which I owe $1.40 and counting is one that I didn’t even know we checked out. My daughter grabbed several books, including two in Spanish, and loaded them onto the auto check-out desk before promptly attempting to dart out the door. One of your lovely volunteers offered to check out the books for me so I could get my daughter’s shoes on her feet and tend to the screaming baby, while firmly reminding my two boys to stop scaling the information stand. As a result, the book Pip and Pog ended up coming home with us and then vanishing into the realm where missing socks, pacifiers, and Tupperware lids go. Please have mercy on me.

You rock, bro. I just discovered you, even though I know lots of folks who have already been following your posts. Every one I’ve read has just hit the nail on the head. Take for instance your witty and rational response to the lunacy of pro-choice parroting (a reference to the unscientific, illogical bumper sticker lines found scrolling on the teleprompter for women on The View and MSNBC).

Your latest one on stay-at-home moms just makes me smile. It’s a great reminder to all of us that someone else can sell stuff we try to sell, push pencils in a cubicle, listen to heartbeats, dissect frogs, teach third-graders, and run businesses. But nobody else — not anyone in the entire universe for all of time — can be my child’s mother.

Sincerely,

Grateful irreplaceable stay-at-home mom who does the real work during the day and then does some replaceable work at night and on the weekends

I see you looking at me as I bite into my juicy cheeseburger, poised with you finger on the speed-dial button to PETA, ready to report my inhumane treatment and my apparent nutritional faux pas. But listen up, I’m all about natural living and avoiding pharmaceuticals like you, and I’m a fan of exercising my body and soul, so kudos to you for doing all those neat pretzel moves and paying $17.50 for a seaweed smoothie as you rescue kittens from the sewers.

But I will admit I’m a little baffled about some inconsistencies in your relativist pro-choice, pro-contraceptive views you espouse. Are you aware how anti-woman and unnatural they are, and how they fly in the face of all your other ideologies? You may be philosophically opposed to consuming honey and compelled to convince all you encounter that a tofu patty tastes just like sausage without the flavor, but can you explain how you see no problem with having an foreign object implanted into your uterus or having your own fallopian tubes tied up in knots just so you can have unnatural sex on demand?

Since pregnancy isn’t a “symptom” and properly functioning fertility isn’t a disease, then why on earth would anyone take the birth control pill? If taking drugs for actual medical problems is frowned upon, then shouldn’t taking one for a non-medical condition be even worse? If chemically altering the genetic design of food is so bad (and it is), isn’t chemically altering your own genetic design with hormonal contraception worse? And I’m all for animal welfare, so can we discuss why there’s so much worry about abused dogs and beached whales, but killing unborn human beings is considered a choice? Can we start a dialogue there?

Sincerely,

Curious Carnivore with knowledge and respect for natural law, feminine design, and the dignity of all life

Dear Guests at the recent fund-raiser we attended on someone else’s dime:

I don’t blend well into these types of events, so forgive me if I made you uncomfortable. Trust me, the feeling was mutual. I tried to dress up — but, yes, that was baby spit-up on my blouse. I didn’t think it would matter much after I noticed that my boots had cat scratches all over them. I realize that it doesn’t count as fashionably late when you aren’t fashionable, so I’ll just admit that our tardiness was due to the fact that we were instructing our babysitter on how to coax our 7-year-old off the toilet when he brings books into the bathroom to read while doing his business.

And since I’m so used to toting a diaper bag around town, I failed to grab a handbag as we left, so I’ll just tell you that I was as appalled as you were to see the Dollar Tree receipts hanging out of my wallet I was holding when we walked through the door. But I’m sure that better explains to you why I was quietly asking my husband if he was sure the hors d’oeuvres weren’t fish eggs because I was afraid to try anything I couldn’t identify. Thanks for your understanding, and I wish you luck in your endeavors to avoid me at future gatherings.

Sincerely,

Former gymnast who has hair that stays in a permanent ponytail, can’t walk in heels, and uses the salad fork for dinner

I know it’s rare to find cash in somebody’s wallet, most especially mine, but I wish you had just asked for some help. I’m always happy to swing into a restaurant or store and buy lunch or diapers or bottled water when I encounter someone in need. I know deep down your heart knows the truth of the 7th commandment, and while your actions offend your Creator and the Body of Christ, they hurt you more in the long run. While I admit I too love the Ocean’s 11 movies, at the end of the day, even good-looking savvy pick-pocketers like Matt Damon’s character need a lesson in restraint and respect for others.

But, I don’t know you, I don’t know what your story is, and while you’ve committed a real sin (yes, I’m afraid to tell you that sin does exist), I’m going to follow the lead of Christ and the example of His vicar, Pope Francis, and pull a move right from the bishop in Les Miserables by saying this, “Go, sin no more, use this money to change your life. I will pray for you every day, just as I am praying for the person who recently returned my wallet at a Wal-Mart after I’d left it there the night I bought my daughter underpants. Not only did that person return my wallet, he or she stuffed it with $3 that weren’t there before. Both of you are loved by God, and I am hopeful, with any mercy from our Creator on me, I will one day meet you both in Heaven.

Please pray. We record our first radio show tomorrow. The Catholic Conversation with your hosts, the cradle and the convert, Steve and Becky Greene, will begin airing in December. In the meantime, I’m properly stressing. I am well aware of my shortcomings, and I don’t like rejection anymore than the next guy. So I’m definitely having moments when I imagine some listener tuning in on his or her way to work and suddenly thinking, “Where did they get this chick? The bus stop? She sucks! Oh, and I heard she’s grumpy when she homeschools. Blah. Let’s change the station.”

If you think that about me, know that I understand. I often hear myself speak and think the same thing. But don’t let it sway you from listening to my hubby, who is funny and smart, or the awesome guests we’re planning to have on the show. They’ll be like the calamine lotion to my irritation. Also, you can be very grateful we’re not doing TV, as evidenced by this lovely picture of me and my husband at the recent Marriage Conference.

Sincerely,

Proud wife, mother, and radio hostess without the mostess, Becky Bowers-Greene

Dear Jennifer Fulwiler, thanks for hosting. I can’t believe I’m posting this before you have the Quick Takes open for this week.