August 21, 2008

It's All In the Title

I remember when I was a kid and I would get very excited during the opening credits to Barnaby Jones, especially when William Conrad's booming voice would tell me that I was about to witness a story titled, for instance, "Sing A Song of Murder". That kind of expressively weird television episode title was often more exciting than the show itself, because my mind would be sent careening into all sorts of implied narratives.

In that spirit, a game I often play with my friends is "Television Titles", where we sit around with a few drinks and try to make up titles for new scripts to classic mystery/cop/adventure television shows. Try it next time you have a few drinks. My favorite of recent memory: "Rudolph the Red Nosed Ripper", our imaginary McCloud episode.

But however ridiculous the titles you invent, they really can't top the real thing. Of course, not all episode titles are equal. Some titles carry the overall tone of the show: from simple and serious (Law and Order, Matlock) to winkingly ironic (Moonlighting, The Rockford Files). Others are based on an overall title concept that can be surprisingly clever (Jake and the Fatman's use of classic song titles) or painfully tired (does every single episode of Remington Steele really need Steele in the title?). And you can't blame some shows for not even trying (it's hard to be inspired when you're writing scripts for Riptide). But those titles that manage to somehow fall right in that zone of funny and awesome and ridiculous and spot-on-perfect for the show they represent... these are the titles that make dreams, my friends.

Here's a quick game that breaks the ice at parties: match the show at left to the episode it corresponds to at right. I don't have the html skills to make this fancy and add scores or anything, but just enjoy the guessing. After the jump, you'll find the answers, more episode titles from each series, and clips of the opening credits. Hopefully, these will inspire you in the creation of your own titles.

21 JUMP STREETTHE A-TEAMAIRWOLFBARNABY JONESBJ AND THE BEARCHiPsDIAGNOSIS MURDERTHE DUKES OF HAZARDTHE FALL GUYHARDCASTLE AND MCCORMICKHART TO HARTHIGHWAY TO HEAVENKNIGHT RIDERKOJAKMAGNUM P.I.MIAMI VICEMURDER SHE WROTEQUINCY M.E.SIMON AND SIMONTHE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MANSTARSKY AND HUTCHVEGA$WONDER WOMAN

Amazon Hot Wax
Beach Blanket Bounty
Bite of the Jackal
By Hooker By Crook
Corned Beef & Carnage
The Day the Gambling Stopped
Days Of Shine And Roses
Diplomas For Sale
Discomania
From Moscow To Maui
Go Cart Terror
The Latest In High Fashion Murder
Marker to a Dead Bookie
Mobile Home of the Brave
Murder In The Key Of C
Murder Murder
Never Give a Trucker an Even Break
One Fresh Batch of Lemonade
Really Neat Cars And Guys With A Sense Of Humor
Say it With Bullets
The Secret of Bigfoot
Tissue of Truth
Trust Doesn't Rust

NOTE: The lists of titles below don't necessarily represent the best episodes of each series - just the most inspired, exciting, or just plain weird episode titles. Quiz answers are the first titles listed under each series.

21 JUMP STREET

Diplomas For Sale

In The Custody Of A Clown

Don't Stretch The Rainbow

How Much Is That Body In The Window?

A Big Disease With A Little Name

The Dragon And The Angel

Blinded By The Thousand Points Of Light

Research And Destroy

How I Saved The Senator

Everyday Is Christmas

Just Say No! High

Bad Day At Eagle Rock

THE A-TEAM

Say it With Bullets

Mexican Slayride

Black Day at Bad Rock

The Rabbit Who Ate Las Vegas

The Beast From the Belly of a Boeing

Recipe For Heavy Bread

Chopping Spree

Bullets and Bikinis

Waste 'Em!

Beverly Hills Assault

A Lease With an Option to Die

Blood, Sweat, and Cheers

The Say U.N.C.L.E. Affair

The Crystal Skull

The Spy Who Mugged Me

AIRWOLF

Bite of the Jackal

Daddy's Gone a Hunt'n

Proof Through the Night

Fight Like a Dove

Mad Over Miami

Sweet Britches

Flight #093 Is Missing

Inn at the End of the Road

Severance Pay

Short Walk to Freedom

The Horn of Plenty

Annie Oakley

Half-Pint

Day of Jeopardy

Desperate Monday

Break-In at Santa Paula

BARNABY JONES

Murder In The Key Of C

Perchance To Kill

See Some Evil...Do Some Evil

Divorce - Murderer's Style

The Black Art Of Dying

A Gold Record For Murder

Rendezvous with Terror

Dark Homecoming

Death On Deposit

Fantasy Of Fear

Jeopardy For Two

Honeymoon With Death

Deadline For Dying

The Devil's Handmaiden

Terror On A Quiet Afternoon

Hitch-Hike To Terror

Nest Of Scorpions

Indoctrination In Evil

BJ AND THE BEARTrucking and driving alusions ("Gasohol") represent the kind of
titles that were common in the first two seasons, but near the end of
season two the titles started getting, well, dirty. And not just
because B.J. means blow job.

Never Give a Trucker an Even Break

Bear Bondage

The Girls of Hollywood High

B.J. and the Seven Lady Truckers

Intercepted Pass

Down and Dirty

Beauties and the Beasts

The Blonde in a Gilded Cage

For Adults Only

A Bear in the Hand

Seven Lady Captives

Detective Finger, I Presume?

CHiPs

Go Cart Terror

Moving Violation

Green Thumb Burglar

Highway Robbery

Hitch-Hiking Hitch

Trick or Trick

Supercycle / The Return of the Supercycle

Repo Man

CHP BMX

Roller Disco - Part 1 & 2

Valley Go Home!

Tow Truck Lady

The Strippers

Dynamite Alley

Satan's Angels

Forty Tons of Trouble

The Hawk and the Hunter

Weed Wars

The Spaceman Made Me Do It

Return of the Brat Patrol

DIAGNOSIS MURDER

Murder Murder

All-American Murder

Misdiagnosis Murder

Living On The Streets Can Be Murder

Mind Over Murder

Murder Can Be Contagious

X Marks The Murder

Murder By The Busload

Murder, Country Style

Delusions Of Murder

Write, She Murdered

Murder At Midterm

Murder By Remote

DUKES OF HAZARDMany of the best titles involve the characters, town, or guest stars.

Days Of Shine And Roses

Officer Daisy

Find Loretta Lynn

Mrs. Rosco P. Coltrane

The Hazzardville Horror

Duke vs. Duke

The Great Hazzard Hijack

Trouble At Cooter's

Cletus Falls In Love

The Sound Of Music, Hazzard Style

Pin The Tail On The Dukes

The Hazzardgate Tape

Too Many Roscos

Welcome, Waylon Jennings

Robot P. Coltrane

When You Wish Upon A Hogg

THE FALL GUY

Beach Blanket Bounty

The Meek Shall Inherit Rhonda

That's Right, We're Bad

Soldiers Of Misfortune

Ready, Aim, Die

How Do I Kill Thee? Let Me Count The Ways

Win One For The Gipper?

Nashville Pirates

Hollywood Shorties

Bite Of The Wasp

October The Thirty Second

HARDCASTLE AND MCCORMICKWhile it should be the title of the whole series, "Really Neat Cars And Guys With A Sense Of Humor" is merely the the title of an episode, and not even the first one.

Really Neat Cars And Guys With A Sense Of Humor

Third Down And Twenty Years To Life

Ties My Father Sold Me

Whatever Happened To Guts

It Coulda Been Worse...She Coulda Been A Welder

Pennies From a Dead Man's Eyes

She May Not Be Deep, But She Sure Is Fast

Mirage A Trois

Brother Can You Spare A Crime

HART TO HARTAround season 3, the titles mostly became Hart gags, none of which are
as funny as Murder gags. Well, maybe "On A Bed Of Harts". Ewwww.

The Latest In High Fashion Murder

You Made Me Kill You

Murder Between Friends

With This Gun, I Thee Wed

Too Many Cooks Are Murder

Death In The Slow Lane

Murder, Murder On The Wall

Tis The Season To Be Murdered

HIGHWAY TO HEAVENSorry, I couldn't resist including this show on the list, because the titles are
just so ookily cheesy, and a nice contrast to all the murder and
mayhem. Besides, it is also fun to make up your own titles for this show (my favorite made-up one: The Trouble with Satan).

One Fresh Batch of Lemonade

Catch a Falling Star

Help Wanted: Angel

An Investment in Caring

Popcorn, Peanuts and CrackerJacks

The Smile in the Third Row

Close Encounters of the Heavenly Kind

Love at Second Sight

I Was a Middle Aged Werewolf

Why Punish the Children?

A Dream of Wild Horses

KNIGHT RIDERThe show used a ton of "Knight" and K.I.T.T. gags in the titles, of course.

Trust Doesn't Rust

A Knight In Shining Armor

Knight Moves

Knight & Knerd

Knight Of A Thousand Devils

Knights Of The Fast Lane

Silent Knight Rider

K.I.T.T. The Cat

Custom K.I.T.T.

K.I.T.T. vs. K.A.R.R.

KOJAK

Marker to a Dead Bookie

One for the Morgue

Cop in a Cage

Death is Not a Passing Grade

Deliver Us Some Evil

Therapy in Dynamite

Hush Now, or You'll Die

Wall Street Gunslinger

You Can't Tell a Hurt Man How to Holler

Close Cover Before Killing

Secret Snow, Deadly Snow

Life, Liberation, and the Pursuit of Death

A House of Prayer, a Den of Thieves

Bad Dude

When You Hear the Beep, Drop Dead

May the Horse Be With You

MAGNUM P.I.

From Moscow To Maui

Don't Eat The Snow In Hawaii

The Curse Of The King Kamehameha Club

Beauty Knows No Pain

The Taking Of Dick McWilliams

The Arrow That Is Not Aimed

Operation: Silent Night

The Case Of The Red-Faced Thespian

Holmes Is Where The Heart Is

The Love-For-Sale Boat

A Pretty Good Dancing Chicken

Way Of The Stalking Horse

Who Is Don Luis Higgins and Why Is He Doing These Terrible Things To Me?

Personally, I love that the TV Guide cover has the following on it:
-- a price of 40 cents
-- the headline "You'll Have A Library In Your TV Set" ... love the datedness considering I technically have a library in the space of a looseleaf notebook (my laptop could store many, many books), and now you can have an entire MOVIE library in your TV with Apple TV and iTunes, or the Netflix box.