"In Control" - Vol. XIII, No. 1

By Steve & Dave (09.29.2008)

We would like to open this column with an apology. That's right, Steve and Dave are most humbly sorry. You see, it's been a while since we wrote one of these, and we sort of forgot that we actually had to send it IN for it to show up on TARflies. Just writing it wasn't good enough, since the wonderful editors at TARflies really have no way of knowing what's stored on Dave's hard drive. (Oh sure, there was that whole "hacking" incident, but that's all in the past and we're friends now, eh?)

You see, we had written this wonderful pre-race review of all the teams, peppered it with our usual witticisms and insightful barbs, congratulated ourselves on a job well done, and then forgot to send it in.

You see, we had written this wonderful pre-race review of all the teams, peppered it with our usual witticisms and insightful barbs, congratulated ourselves on a job well done, and then forgot to send it in. To be honest, we both have been pretty busy of late. Steve has been traveling across the country quite a bit with his new job and Dave has been...well, Dave has been playing a lot of ‘Call Of Duty 4'. When viewed in that light, we're sure that you can understand how actually sending our column to the editors just slipped our minds.

But never fear! We wouldn't want to deprive any of you of our racer-based insights into season 13's teams. So here, in its entirety, is our column that we wrote BEFORE the race was first aired. Really. We swear it. The whole thing was written back in late August - long before the season started. OK, not this first bit, no. Obviously not this first bit. How would we know that we were going to forget to send the column in before we actually forgot to send it in? This first bit was written after we discovered that we had forgotten to send in the rest of the column, but the part that we forgot to send in was written before the race aired.

No, no, no. This is still the bit that we added afterwards. Trust us; you will know when the part that was written pre-race starts. Here - to make it simple, we will add the following line, "...and now for the part that we wrote BEFORE the race aired" to this column immediately before we switch to that part, OK? So when you see "...and now for the part that we wrote BEFORE the race aired", you will know that what follows will be the part that we forgot to send in.

No, we haven't started it yet! That was just for clarification. Yes, we know what we said, but we were just trying to make it easier for you to understand how this was going to go. This is still the introduction that we wrote afterwards. Listen, we're not trying to trick you, we were just emphasizing. The very next time you see...the phrase that we mentioned above, will be the beginning of the stuff that we forgot to send in, OK? Good. Then, without further confusion, now for the part that we wrote BEFORE the race aired:

Nick & Starr:

Stop. Stop it. Stop the pre-race review. This is the introduction again. Yes, we know that we said we would use the phrase "...and now for the..." but we actually didn't. We skipped right over the word ‘and' and went straight to ‘now'. This may have caused some confusion, for which we're sorry. We will start the actual stuff written before the race began shortly. No, this isn't the team-by-team review. This is still the intro. Oh, to heck with it. And now for the part that we wrote BEFORE the race aired:

Nick & Starr:

No chance whatsoever. This team will be the first to hear Phil say, "...you've just been eliminated from the race". We're actually quite surprised that the folks in casting even bothered to let this team through, since they will definitely join the ranks of all of the teams who did not win The Amazing Race, and they will do it sooner than every other team in Season 13. These folks will probably be trailing from the word go, so don't expect much in the way of anything from them.

Here are your winners. Don't bother looking any further - this team has it all. If you read their bios, you can easily see that this is a team that will go far in this race.

Anita & Arthur:

Here are your winners. Don't bother looking any further - this team has it all. If you read their bios, you can easily see that this is a team that will go far in this race. We've combined that with our knowledge of the actual workings of the race and come to the inescapable conclusion that the rest of the field doesn't stand a chance. (We know that some of you are thinking that our so-called "knowledge" is nothing more than a healthy bribe paid to one of the producers to divulge the winner, but we prefer the word "knowledge". We KNOW said producer. To know something is to have KNOWLEDGE of it. Therefore, we used our knowledge to bribe the prod... never mind how we know. We just do.)

Terence & Sarah:

We really like these two. They seem to have all that it takes to do very well in this race. The field seems pretty tough, but we suspect that these two will probably finish quite high in the standings - assuming that they don't win outright. Of course, winning The Amazing Race doesn't require skill alone, so they will need to catch a break or two along the route, but they seem like the type who can make their own breaks. We will definitely be keeping our collective eyes on this pair, and we won't be surprised if they are still in contention on the final episode.

Marisa & Brooke:

We really like these two. They seem to have all that it takes to do very well in this race. The field seems pretty tough, but we suspect that these two will probably finish quite high in the standings - assuming that they don't win outright. Of course, winning The Amazing Race doesn't require skill alone, so they will need to catch a break or two along the route, but they seem like the type who can make their own breaks. We will definitely be keeping our collective eyes on this pair, and we won't be surprised if they are still in contention on the final episode.

Andrew & Dan:

We really like these two. They seem to have all that it takes to do very well in this race. The field seems pretty tough, but we suspect that these two will probably finish quite high in the standings - assuming that they don't win outright. Of course, winning The Amazing Race doesn't require skill alone, so they will need to catch a break or two along the route, but they seem like the type who can make their own breaks. We will definitely be keeping our collective eyes on this pair, and we won't be surprised if they are still in contention on the final episode. [Editor's note: haven't we heard this already?]

Aja & Ty:

We really like these two. They seem to have all that it takes to do very well in this race. The field seems pretty tough, but we suspect that these two will probably finish quite high in the standings - assuming that they don't win outright. Of course, winning The Amazing Race doesn't require skill alone, so they will need to catch a break or two along the route, but they seem like the type who can make their own breaks. We will... [Editor's note: snipped for brevity. You've seen it before.] ...still in contention on the final episode.

We really like these two. They seem to have all that it takes to do very well in this race.

Mark & Bill:

We really like these two. They seem to have all that it takes to do very well in this race. The field seems pretty tough, but we suspect that these two will probably finish quite high in the standings - assuming that they don't win outright. Of course, winning The Amazing Race doesn't require skill alone, so they will need to catch a break or two along the route, but they seem like the type who can make their own breaks. We will [Editor's note: we cut out some stuff here. See if you can guess what it said.]

Toni & Dallas:

We really like these two. They seem to [Editor's note: we cut some stuff here - a little earlier than before.] Of course, winning The Amazing Race doesn't require skill alone, so they will need to catch a break or two along the route, but they seem like the type who can make their own breaks. We will definitely be keeping our collective eyes on this pair, and we won't be surprised if they are still in contention on the final episode.

Kelly & Christy:

We really like these two. [Editor's note: another cut occurred here. The gag is getting stale, we think.] Of course, winning The Amazing Race doesn't require skill alone, so they will need to catch a break or two along the route, but they seem like the type who can make their own breaks. We will [Editor's note again: oh look, we did it twice!], and we won't be surprised if they are still in contention on the final episode.

Ken & Tina:

We really [Editor's note: been there, done that, got old quickly] win outright. Of course, winning The Amazing Race doesn't require skill alone, [Editor's note two: you would think that they would learn, wouldn't you?] won't be surprised if they are still in contention [Editor's note three: they used to be funny, it's kind of sad to see them slide like this] episode.

[Final editor's note: the editors of TARflies really had nothing to do with any of these so-called ‘editor's notes'. Why do we here at Steve & Dave Enterprises, Inc. feel obligated to tell you this? Because if we don't, the REAL TARflies editors get kind of miffed and start claiming that we really didn't write this before the show aired - despite the fact that there's a date stamp on it, and it was mailed in only moments after the show ended. We're fast, but we aren't THAT fast - and don't be checking with our wives or anything.]