Wednesday, August 29, 2012

After a months-long hiatus during which he may have played some Diablo 3, Crawford the warlock is back in the World of Warcraft, gearing up for some kung-fu. So, what's new?

First and most importantly: New Warlock Pets.

I'm so glad we finally got a beholder pet, replacing our boring-but-functional felhunter. This is a change all warlocks have been lobbying for since the beholder was first introduced in Burning Crusade, and here's why: The beholder has the most anatomically-detailed butthole of any creature model in the entire World of Warcraft. This is especially awesome because the camera position naturally situates itself so that distended, pulsating sphincter is within my field of vision at all times. I can't wait to be staring into that sweet, hypnotic brown-eye for the next year and a half! I love the way it winks at me.

Second: Active tanking and new class mechanics

I joined a dungeon to play with the new changes. Here's a chat log:

Tank: Why is my Shield Block button greyed out?Crawford: What is a Malefic Grasp?Tank: I need Shield Block to live.Healer: Holy Power seems to work differently now.Crawford: Oh. That's a Malefic Grasp. I miss Shadow Bolt. Where is Shadow Bolt?Tank: Shield Block costs 60 rage for some reason. I don't have 60 rage.Healer: My buttons are messed up.Crawford: What's the deal with Haunt?Tank has died.Tank: I think I am gonna buy Guild Wars 2.Healer has died.Crawford casts [Hearthstone]Crawford has joined [1. Stormwind General Chat]Crawford has joined [2. Trade]/22. Trade: Crawford: Hey everybody, have you seen the butthole on my new beholder pet? Look at it!

Third: New Talents!

General Forums: WTF, dog?Ghostcrawler: We have simplified the trees to give you a few meaningful choices for utility abilities.General Forums: What happened to all the goodies?Ghostcrawler: Most of them were essentially mandatory, so we have just baked them into your core spec, rather than making you click the button every level.General Forums: But what about customization?Ghostcrawler: There wasn't any. Everyone just used the same benefit-maximizing builds.General Forums: Not me!Ghostcrawler: Then you're bad. Don't worry. You can still find ways to be bad in Mists of Pandaria.General Forums: We're going to play SW:TOR, the hot new WoW killer.Ghostcrawler: See you in three weeks.(Three weeks later)General Forums: We're going to go play Diablo 3.Ghostcrawler: See you in, like, twenty minutes.(Twenty minutes later)General Forums: We're going to play Guild Wars 2.Ghostcrawler: See you in three weeks.

Fourth: New Glyphs

Blizzard: With this new Glyph of Nightmares, your dreadsteed can walk across water on a path of flames!Crawford: I have the "Mountain 'O Mounts" achievement. I haven't ridden my dreadsteed in like four years. Blizzard: Oh.Crawford: I usually ride around on a giant chicken now. Can my chicken walk across water on a path of flames?Blizzard: No. Why do you ride around on a giant chicken?Crawford: Is that not self-explanatory?Blizzard: Maybe you would like to use your dreadsteed.Crawford: Maybe you would like to look at my new beholder pet.Blizzard: I see it. It's very nice.Crawford: No. Look at it from behind.

Fifth: Revamped Pet UI

Revamped Pet UI: These are the new features we've implemented for the new pet battle system!Crawford: CHARIZARD I CHOOSE YOU!Pet battle trainer: Want to catch some rare pets?!Crawford: TO DEFEND THE WORLD FROM DEVASTATION! TO UNITE ALL PEOPLE WITHIN OUR NATION!Pet battle trainer: I like your energy. Try to maintain that until next month, when the pet battle system becomes available.Crawford: Hey, have you seen this beholder?

Sixth: New Loot System

4.3: Guy who rolls on everything: Yoink!Everyone: We hate this!

5.0.4Guy who rolls on everything: Well, it looks like my work here is done.Everyone: We still hate it!Crawford: Behold! My beholder!