Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Dad Skills

Gender Identification Technician – On multiple occasions, my
son has leaned over to my ear and then stated (at normal conversational volume)
“Is that a boy or a girl? while pointing at someone. Depending on my mood,
answers range from the profound “They are a person…” to the not so profound “I
believe they are registered as an independent” See also, redirection.

Field Dressing a Car Seat – This skill becomes necessary when
there is a spill or unsanctioned egress of bodily fluids. May also be initiated
after a round of “What’s That Smell?” Motor-Vehicle Edition.

Snap Judgment – Summoned by tears and distress, you are faced
with a crime scene and you must dispense justice despite conflicting witness
statements and outright perjury.

Contextual Dictionary – Just the other day, my four-year-old
son asked me if I knew what “liquor” was. I stemmed the rising panic and after
a few clarifying questions realized that it was someone who spilled food on
their arm and “licked” themselves clean.

Hostage Negotiation Specialist – A Cabbage Patch doll is
being held against its will and release is contingent upon a swap for a stuffed
cheetah and the offending party ceasing to be a “poo-poo snake.” There are no
easy answers here.

Stain Removal – Children’s Motrin, marinara sauce, and wayward
Crunch Berries mixed with tears of betrayal all leave a lasting impression on
carpet. Just buy whatever carpet cleaner uses the most urgent language in the
“If swallowed” subsection of the first aid label.

Redirection – Daddy, why don’t I have a penis? Because I just
remembered that it was time for Oreo Cookies and another screening of Moana! Who
likes songs about magical Tigers!?

Recreational Apparatus – One of my kids’ favorite activities is
to throw themselves on top of me while I lay in the floor in the fetal
position. This bears an uncanny resemblance to being jumped into a pre-school
street gang.

Translator – My two year-old will (without context) approach
strangers and make the following statements:

I get big
cookie! –
I recently received a Double Stuf Oreo for defecating in the toilet.

I pump my
legs! –
I have acquired the ability to swing without assistance.

I not in
trouble! –
My brother has committed an infraction and I am gleefully contrasting his
behavior with mine.

They got
stuck in gum! –
I thoroughly enjoyed my screening of Despicable Me 3 and found the
antagonist quite amusing.

Economist – “Daddy, why do you and mommy have to go to work?”
Because son, we live in a capitalistic society and in order to secure food and
shelter your mother and I must generate income proportional to our expenses. “Is
that how Netflix works?” ……..Yes

Armchair Theologian

(passing a Waffle House renovation)

“Daddy, did Jesus build that?”

“No. It is being built by people whose jobs are to build
things” (here I pat myself on the back and attempt to tie this back into the
economist discussion) “So just like mommy and daddy go to work and do certain
jobs these people’s job is to build things for other people to use and that is
how they get Netflix.”

“But you said Jesus made everything.
How come he did not make that?”

(under my breath:” because if Jesus ran that operation the
silverware wouldn’t have that weird film on it…”)

Well, He created the universe and then a group of people got
together and decided to utilize the resources they had access to on this planet
in order to facilitate the sale of food to other people but Jesus himself did
not descend from the skies and …..