New iPhone 8 Battery Life Expanded

In a nod to its Australian customers, tech giant Apple has unveiled a new iPhone with a beefed up fourteen-hour battery life – long enough to keep charge for almost as long as the average hold time at Centrelink.

Catering specifically to the Australian market’s penchant for listening to Vivaldi’s Four Seasons on repeat through handheld luxury items while waiting for up to eleven hours for some guy to process that fucking Newstart payment, Apple once again has proven itself as a leader in responding to its users.

The new phones will cost $1600, or around two year’s Newstart payments.