How to establish relationships with her husband on the verge of divorce - advice of a psychologist, how to avoid a divorce

Crisis in relations is experienced even by the most amicablefamilies. And they survive it safely, if the couple together solve conflicts and seek consensus together. But such harmonic relations and mature personalities, who are mutually responsible for jointly born love, are extremely few. Most are unable to be responsible for the feeling that needs to be raised, developed, educated as a small child, and treated, and not killed, when it "gets sick." Divorce is a fatal diagnosis, which categorically puts married couples of their love.

Why is this verdict increasinglyModern families? What kind of ruthless method to solve the problem of relations? A little, just a divorce! In case of any conflict of interest, with every mistake made, at the slightest quarrel, over and without that, the spouses threaten each other with a divorce. To solve this way, family conflicts are like quenching the fire with oil. Of course, sooner or later such spouses find themselves in dangerous proximity to the divorce line. And if there is even the slightest opportunity to save the family and save the common "child" named Love from imminent death, then get down to business right away!

What are we doing wrong and why are we on the verge of divorce?

Psychotherapists distinguish several signs, the appearance of which outlines a crisis in the relationship. Ignoring these problems is the inevitable path to divorce:

Smoldering conflicts. No matter how hard the couples try to solve family problemsIn the course of events, during a joint life, the reasons for quarrels still accumulate and grow. When there are claims that are difficult to express to a partner in the eye, but really want to say a friend in the kitchen, this is the first signal about the hidden threat of marriage. "Smoldering" discontent will sooner or later turn into a tumultuous scandal. Scandals are accumulating!

Endless claims. Often the spouses shower each other with mutualComments and accusations, not really caring about the essence of what was said. If the husband did not wash the cup again (he did not clean the socks, did not turn on the light bulb, etc.), maybe instead of a barrage of complaints like: "How much can you be a pig !?" It's worth the patience, and without emotion ( Even if for the hundredth time) ask: "Darling, wash, please, and my cup." Constant claims - a personal insult, growing into a secret insult. Insults accumulate!

Frequent criticism. Criticism is an arrow shot into self-loveRights. Perhaps, in content, it is quite legitimate, but not always the form in which its expression is clothed, contributes to the possibility of reaching out to the spouse. If the aim of the arrow is to injure a loved one and not bring the essence of the problem, then it is better to slap him. Constructive criticism should be expressed in the form of a request, and always in the form of an appraisal of an act, not an individual. Devaluing verdicts are accumulating!

Demonstration of contempt. Through contempt reveals frankDisrespect for a partner. Undisclosed dominance, treatment with patience, ignoring opinions, endless remarks, ridicule and taunts make a person feel worthless and unimportant. Contempt is accumulating!

Lack of gratitude. "Thank you" and "thank you" are two words thatWeigh not less than "love". They, as signs of attention and compliments, set the tone for relationships, and their absence turns love into a "bond". Obligations we do by coercion (own or outsider), but sincere care and good deeds are manifestations of exclusively personal will expression. Thank you - his secret code. The stinginess of the soul accumulates!

Ignoring sex. Rare sex or lack of it - a serious reasonFor divorce, even if the couple frankly does not call this the official reason. If at least one of the spouses lacks sex, then it is likely that he will turn "to the left" for the full value of this side of life. For most families, such an obstacle in the relationship is irresistible. Dissatisfaction accumulates!

These and other "provokers" of divorce have the property of accumulating, and can serve as precursors of the imminent family apocalypse.

Prevention of divorce

Well-known New York blogger Joanna Goddard,Illuminating the topic of relations, shared with her many millions of subscribers unusual, but very effective recommendations that strengthen relationships in the family. According to her own observations, for a long time the marriage is kept happy by very uncomplicated and seemingly unimportant actions. However, their observance will never allow anyone to think about divorce.

Do not be offended by trifles. Life is too short to take offense atGrumbling spouse, when he is not in the mood, when he is sick and does not want to see anyone, when he experiences stress through work and gets started with a half-turn and at home. Do not take to heart the human weakness to succumb to emotions. Let go of petty grievances, but lead a family in the habit of asking for forgiveness, when negative feelings will pass.

Observe the rules of courtesy. Politeness opens many doors, and politenessBetween spouses - opens hearts to meet each other. Words of gratitude, respectful requests, sincere attention and compliments can correct even relations in a family on the verge of divorce.

Put each other to bed. Do not just wish for good dreams, but also scrollTime to talk before going to bed in bed, to discuss what happened the day. Tell each other a "fairy tale" for the night, as you do to children. Let it consist of your personal experiences, joys or even fears. There is in this something childishly touching, intimate and very caring. And be sure to kiss before going to bed and in the morning!

Say "I love you" in the process of quarrel. An ideal family does not mean a family without conflicts. Finding out the relationship allows you to seek and find the truth, feel each other's pain. But it is important that even in disputes the spouses understand that they continue to love, despite the increased tones. Saying in the middle of the quarrel "I love you!" Is not easy, but when emotions settle, you will be grateful to yourself for these words. Try it!

Shake up the established order. Do not forget to fill your family with novelty. Nothing so true kills relationships, as a routine. Try something unusual and new, make joint discoveries, experience positive untested emotions. Visit a new restaurant, change a comfortable summer vacation on a hike with tents, get a tradition to go to the movies, to exhibitions and arrange unusual romantic dinners.

Leave space for each other. Being 24 hours together may be good, but not365 days a year. Everyone needs solitude, freedom and even alone: ​​when you need to feel your own soul, make an audit in your thoughts, calm down. This is normal! Leave your personal space, allow yourself and your partner sometimes to meet with your friends or devote time to your own hobby without having to report.

How to establish relationships with her husband, if they are still on the verge of divorce

When prevention, strengthening family ties,Ignored, and couples consider harmony in relationships a self-evident attachment to love, then the family inexorably rolls to a break. Sometimes the couple for several decades shift responsibility for the microclimate in the family to each other, not wanting to work on their own improvement. Ability to listen and hear a partner, make compromises, wait for crises, give without demanding the same - this is a great and mutual work, patience and time. To reanimate the dying relationship, it will take even more effort, but most importantly - love!

Recognize the mistakes. All family quarrels are developing according to the algorithm: "I'm right! You are not! "Couples are obsessed with finding the answer to the age-old question:" Who is to blame? ". But the focus should be on the other issue: "What to do?" And only then to analyze the flights and look for the guilty. Harmonious relations in the family do not require justification. It is enough to admit in time that you are wrong, guilty or mistaken. Take responsibility for their unseemly acts, sincerely ask for forgiveness and give the right to a loved one to decide - to execute or to pardon.

Eradicate unhealthy selfishness. You have to admit that a close person -Only a person, and has the right to be non-ideal, like all people. There are no ideal people! The fact that the marriage breaks up through your exorbitant onslaught will be indicated by the following selfish signs:

Egocentrism (fixation on oneself);

Hypertrophied pride;

Uncompromising relations;

Criticism;

Obtrusiveness;

intolerance;

pride;

Resentment;

Manipulation, etc.

Take action. If you seriously "nakosyachili, and not the first time(It seems, and not the second, if it comes to divorce), dare to an unaccustomed act, which for you will ask for forgiveness. The words of apologies and promises do not have the desired effect, because people trust not words, but actions. They eloquently convince the couple to believe, forgive, start with a clean slate.

Forgive and release. Not always relationships are subject to resuscitation, and notThey always need to be saved. There are times when people have performed a mission in the life of their couple and to keep feelings that have long since died - is to commit crimes against their own future and the person in it who will necessarily appear. Let go once beloved and loving spouse, if already all methods to protect happiness have been tried. But do it with gratitude, without reproaches and feelings of guilt. Forgive him and yourself for the broken love. Release him and the situation. And then, it is very possible that such an act will become the second chance for your disintegrating family.