"Critique please” –Part 1Does this title make you cringe? Critique is something we all have trouble dealing with. Let us try to understand this essential matter.There are 3 major categories of dealing with critique: rejection, consideration, and acceptance. These 3 categories break down into various sub-categories.Category #1- REJECTION rejection has 3 sub-categories:a)Angry rejection- “how could you say such a thing?!”, “she’s the one with the problem”, “he is a …” or “that’s absolutely not true”.b)Passive rejection- no anger but clear rejection nonetheless. c)Friendly rejection- we respond politely but are plainly rejecting the criticism.Category #2 - CONSIDERATION consideration has 4 sub-categories: a)Resentful consideration - As offended as we may be, we will consider.b)“Cringing” consideration – the very idea makes us cringe [like the title of this piece] but we will consider[1].c)Neutral consideration – we aren’t emotionally moved and we will consider.d)Appreciative consideration- we appreciate that someone offers us a critique.Category #3- ACCEPTANCE One has worked on himself enough to immediately accept an accurate critique thrown his way. “Acceptance” has the same 4 sub-categories as “consideration” (resentful acceptance, “cringing” acceptance, neutral acceptance, and appreciative acceptance). Altogether, we now have 11 sub-categories.Knowing these categories and feeling the emotion related to each opens us to a greater awareness of how we receive critique. This understanding will hopefully help us grow in this area. (It might be worthwhile to re-read and feel anew the categories.)I would like to share a key question I have in this area.Every honest person knows that it is very difficult to be objective about one’s self[2]. We need others input to overcome our “blindness”. Additionally, two heads are better than one. Others have a different perspective than we do. Therefore even if we could be totally objective we gain from others insight.[3] Rav Yisroel Salanter stated that רק הביקורת תיישר את דרכי[4] (only critique will straighten my way)[5]. It is obvious that the more one knows himself and the more complete he is in תקון המדות the less he is reliant on others appraisal to reach שלמות. Therefore, if someone of Rav Yisrael’s ultimate level of self-knowledge and תקון המדות[6] still saw others contribution as crucial how much more so the rest of us.One doesn’t need the amazing honesty of Rav Yisrael to know this. Many businesses develop a code of conduct and values that its members are expected to follow. If a member acts against the code it is fully acceptable for his colleague to call him on his misdemeanor. Therapists have supervisors (and they pay good money for them!). Sports stars have coaches who point out their errors and areas that need work. In numerous other fields the idea of a mentor is totally accepted.Here is the question. If critique is so universally welcome, why when it comes to one’s real life is critique so rarely appreciated? For example, the same businessman who happily accepts criticism from a junior associate gets extremely angry when his wife gently offers input about the amount of time he spends with his children. Is child rearing less important? In truth, that same businessman would tell you his child’s upbringing is supremely more important than how his business is doing.This is a question worth thinking about. I will attempt to give my own answers in part #2 as well as introduce a 4th category of dealing with critique.

[1] In resentful consideration one’s negative feelings are directed towards the critique giver. In cringing consideration the negative feelings are בין אדם לעצמו .[2] Or anything close to the self like children, students, or one’s accomplishments.[3]ע' דבריו המאירים של הרוח חיים על דברי המשנה 'מרבה עצה מרבה תבונה'[4]My italics[5]ס' קדוש ישראל-שביבי מוסר (ד. תח)[6] Rav Yisrael famously said that it is harder to fix one middah than to learn all of Shas (רב משה טיקוצינסקי said that meant learning Shas on Rav Yisrael’s level!). Rav Naftali Amsterdam, one of his talmidim muvhakim, testified that for Rav Yisrael himself breaking a middah was like having a cup of water! (כנ"ל קנט)(Please send comments and questions, to rdsvaad@gmail.com.)If you would like to receive these Avodah thougths every 2 weeks sign up at http://rdsvaadim.com/subscribe/