6/15/14 – Catch -22 for Father’s Day

This shit just kills me. She is telling my son not to talk to me when she hurts him or his sister because “I am trying to get her thrown in jail” and then paints the kids footprints into butterflies for Father’s Day. Do other divorced (or divorcing parents) do this shit?

Of course I take the kids for a donut or breakfast and all they seem to be talking about is how mom cheated. And why they think she cheated. And how me being mean to her is why she kicked me out. Great Father’s Day conversation at the donut store in from of six (yes six) different moms getting donuts for their respective families.

So now I am Catch-22’d emotionally. Guilt from the paintings and anger from her “miscommunications” with the kids about what happened. At least I am no longer embarrassed when my son says these thing in public. I know society says I’m the injured party – and I do feel that way most of the time. But her cheating isn’t about me – it’s about her.

I stayed faithful because I honor my vows and therefore honor myself. She didn’t honor her vows because she does not love herself. It’s not about me at all. It’s about all of her issues.

Why I married her is about me. Why I left was about me. Why this whole process started was about me. I wanted a better life. I wanted to enjoy the last 20 decent years of my life. She wanted to stay miserable and guilt ridden and harassing. Like all high functioning BPD’s she doesn’t feel the need to change internally just externally. She is getting that change. I’m not getting the change I wanted in her. She’s afraid I’m leaving. She can’t wait for me to be gone. She believes there is some fantasy world with friends and good looking boyfriends and no guilt for her vile actions.

Overtime she will eventually end up in the same place as she has always been – in a loveless relationship and unwilling to leave because she is afraid of being alone. I will end up the way I anticipated my life to be. Alone and free of responsibility and floating around the world on the occasional travel winds. Just need to get the last 25 lbs off and move up to Orange County by the end of the year – assuming Hunter gets back to the MSA.

Haven’t heard anything about it since I sent it over. She took three days to send me her comments. Excluding my birthday I turned it around in a day. I haven heard anything in four days. Guessing I won’t get anything until Monday or Tuesday. Then it will take a couple of weeks for the paralegal to update the docs. Then a couple of weeks for our respective attorneys to review it. Then a couple more weeks to make those changes and then filing. End of July. She hooks me in until October of 2015 when we file the 2014 tax returns assuming she agrees to my compensation arrangement.

If filing a MFJ return saves her $10,000 I should get half especially since I will be preparing the MFJ and both MFS returns. If I were doing that for a client it would at least be a couple of grand. Why shouldn’t I get paid for my work now that we are not an economic unit? Plus if she balks at the agreed supports when I move by then I can hammer her on alimony as her 2015 numbers will not be hit by my part of her assets split.

I hate thinking this way, but she is. At least part of the time. The other part of her is just maintaining her emotional balance and keeping her anger from getting out of control now that she knows I am monitoring it. At least she is on notice. Then again it’s not busy at work. Her daydreaming of brighter days will be helpful in the proceedings, but her fear of me not being around to help her with the kids and her being alone won’t. What a Catch-22…

Day at the fair went ok. The kids went on rides and my daughter loved the petting zoo. So funny to watch her constantly wanting to pet the horns on the little goats. For her it was all about the horns, feeding the animals and riding on dad’s shoulders while walking around the kids zone.

Although my son was a terror after nap time. He hit me twice out of the blue because I wanted him to take his meds and write a card for Grandpa. Then he went on a 45 minute tirade on hating me and telling mom everything and not keeping my “secrets” (asking about Hunter) and that he his going to put me in jail. Again totally proud of myself. Didn’t raise my voice or touch him even in defending myself.

Went to my parents for my dad’s Father’s Day. Things went strangely this evening. Son wanted to be by himself and to eat dinner at Hunters. I’m guessing the swim camp and change from regular school is killing his sense of routine. A lot of anxiety. I sent Hunter a text but she isn’t responding. She must be out with her brother or a group event. Who knows? But it took a half hour for a response and she goes on about not wanting daughter to have to deal with his tantrums like that’s an option. I told her she’ll get used to being #2 then appreciate going to college.

Got a text as to why she didn’t respond. Her grandmother called her 11 times without leaving a message so she stopped looking at the phone. Seriously, I literally have to tell her to call her back and find out what’s going on. I get it. She has dementia and isn’t always coherent or in the right timeline, but what’s if it’s an emergency and she can’t get a hold of Hunter’s brother who normally takes care of her because of Fathers Day? Why am I still having to help guide her on how to be a human being somedays? I know I should not respond or intervene but what if an 85 year old woman is hurt and isn’t able to call for help like last time where it took her eight hours to crawl back into her condo and get enough strength to call for help. How many strokes and broken bones from falls will it take Hunter to figure out that she needs to go over and visit more than twice a year. For God sake her grandmother is less than three miles away and just over a mile from my sisters house. I can’t believe that I spent time with this women much less 16 years.

Also finally got a reply text from Hunter for my thank you on the pictures that I sent this morning. Eight hours later. I get it. She probably got upset seeing it in the morning and then blocked it from her mind until now. Anything to subconsciously to try and create an emotional reaction. She got it, but I didn’t respond. I need to consistently remind myself – do not respond to texts. Respond to emails only on the weekends and only once. If necessary reply to texts with “check the calendar.” Train her on how to properly communicate. I think I will set up the shortcut text response for her right now.

At least I have my daughter another full day. It’s not much with school by I will take the drop off, pickup and dinner / bath / story while I still can. Only a few more months and I am guessing this part of my life will be a fading memory.