January 08, 2007

THIS IS WHY I SEE MAYBE TWO MOVIES A YEAR

So, in "Volver," why didn't Penelope Cruz (Raimunda) just grind up her husband (Paco) and serve him to the film crew? If you wrap up a person you've killed and FREEZE him in a FREEZER, which you then WRAP UP SOME MORE and bury in a hole, that person is less likely to decompose than if buried unboxed. Not to mention that fact that the freezer, duct tape, and bungee cords are all physical evidence, of an especially damning sort if the freezer can be traced to the RESTAURANT NEXT TO THE APARTMENT WHERE YOU KILLED THE DUDE. And even if you get lucky, and the water table happens to rise high enough to rust the buried freezer and rot the body—guess what? The initials of the frozen dude YOU CARVED INTO THE TREE NEXT TO WHERE YOU BURIED THE FROZEN DUDE IN THE FREEZING FREEZER are gonna tip somebody off.

Would this happen in pop music? Fuck no. Beyoncé would put on her freakum dress, put dude in a box to the left, and drive off in a drop-top. Nobody would check up on it because they would be following her, because she's Beyoncé. Then Beyoncé would go back and figure out something with lasers and mirrors that would make the box—on the left—disappear.