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Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Kotas Reviews Peeps Oreos

Easter Season should be the biggest deal of the year. Spring has sprung, the sun is shining, food is plentiful, and pastels are in fashion. Still, I suppose a fat guy in a red suit has more marketability than a bunny that poops out brightly colored eggs. Even the Cadbury Bunny's peddled treats, delicious as they are, still make one vaguely uneasy if you think about it too much. Then again, the whole egg/chicken motif brought us the humble Peep. Good or bad, it's here to stay. So of course they would make an Oreo out of it. Ladies and Gentlemen, Children of Most Ages, let's take a look at Peeps Oreos.

Not since Victor Frankenstein has the phrase "My God, What Have I Done?" been so appropriate.

Nabisco has been on the ball as of late with their flavors. Love them or hate them, they are exactly what you would expect from [Object] + Oreo. The Peeps Oreo is no exception. The packaging is glorious, with the bright yellow and pink colors highlighting its duel Peep/Oreo nature. Nabisco went with the vanilla Oreo as the base here, and I think that was a good choice. Chocolate and Peeps have never been particularly good together, because the overwhelming chemical sugariness tends to turn the chocolate into mostly texture. Vanilla and...uh...Peep should compliment instead. Good call. Also, the easy open package is in attendance. Let's rip it open.

BEHOLD MAN'S HUBRIS!

Not much to say about this one. I wanted screaming hot pink, and that's exactly what I got. The eye searing nature of this color is not done justice in the pictures, because pictures can be faked. Trust me though, these things practically glow. The smell is vanilla laced with a hint of laboratory and a general "sweetness" that is hard to describe. My pancreas trembles in anticipation. Also, the pink creme has pink sugar sprinkles embedded in it, for that authentic Peep texture. Let's see how it all goes down.

Well, that wasn't so bad. And then all my hopes turned into nightmares as the overwhelming bitterness swept aside any lingering remnants of joy, leaving only terror in its wake. Now, I've always enjoyed Peeps for what they are: Chemical trickery. I'm a heathen who prefers them aged (read: stale as shit), because it dramatically cuts down on the chemical aftertaste they leave. Not every Peep does this, but the pink ones especially left behind an unwelcome chemical visitor. Well, the Oreo version ups the ante to unwholesome levels. The initial flavor isn't terrible, tasting mainly like a vanilla Oreo with sugar sprinkles in it, but then the sour, bitter flavor wallops you in the mouth. The creme by itself tastes like...well, sugar, and then horror. Even grape soda didn't wash that taste away, and it lingered for hours. I ate two of these things before I gave up. I'll note that whiskey helped wipe away the taste, but even then it lingered longer than I felt it should have. Holy Jeez, they SELL THIS to people. Oddly, my spouse said they tasted just fine to her: sweet, a little bit of crunch from the cookie and the sprinkles, and that was that. Maybe it's just me then?On the FACE Rating System, these get 3 Frownie Faces, however I am qualifying this one. I absolutely detested these cookies, but I must admit they did exactly what they set out to do: Create a Peep cookie. I also speculate I have some sort of sensitivity to the dye they used to color this, because I seem to be the only person who hates these as much as I do. The only silver lining here is that they stain your tongue bright pink for a long, LONG time. They also have more...interesting side effects when eaten in large quantities. This gets a tentative "try" from me, if you like Peeps or super sweet things. I hate these things though.