Expressions of Loss

Several months ago I wrote about my good friend, Becky Sehenuk and her experience of losing a twin sister (Jenny) in a motorcycle accident. You can read the original post “Losing Jenny” here. For many reasons, this was difficult to write. Doing so made me realize I was largely helpless to help her. Despite every desire to somehow remove this painful experience from my friend, I had no capacity to do so. It was like watching someone you care about drown for months at a time. Despite the difficulty, I’m glad I wrote about it. It helped me understand my feelings. It helped me partially understand Becky’s feelings. After I posted the article several people commented on my blog or contacted me directly. My personal perspectives seem to have resonated with others who also felt helpless. I want to say thanks to those who openly shared their feelings. It’s obvious that Becky is loved and Jenny is missed dearly.

Shortly after her sister’s passing, I spoke with Becky about her loss. We decided to do something constructive. We wanted to honor Jenny and the huge impact she had on Becky and so many other people. We also wanted to share a little more of “Jenny” with the world and the countless friends she left behind. Initially, I was a little worried that it was too soon for Becky to commit to something so personal and painful. Becky was still in shock. I could see it in her face and hear it in her voice. Becky assured me that she wanted to move forward. She said waiting would bring a risk of losing her present perspective. Her courage was humbling.

We decided to start by capturing Becky’s thoughts and feelings. One evening we sat down with an audio recorder and began a very difficult conversation. We talked about Becky’s thoughts on becoming a “twinless twin” and life immediately following her sister’s passing. We talked about her profound pain and loss. We talked about faith and hope, favorite memories and family. We talked for a long time. It was a raw conversation – the kind that comes from the heart.

We agreed that visually capturing aspects of Becky’s life would also be beneficial. For several months I photographed Becky at her home, work, church and many places in between. We talked about “the project” often. Sometimes, however, weeks would go by and we would hardly mention it. That’s not to say we weren’t thinking about it, it’s just that emotional intensity is a hard thing to live with full time. Each time I called Becky to make arrangements to shoot more images, I knew my call was a painful reminder of her deepest loss. It was always difficult for me to call and ask, but even more difficult for Becky. Unselfishly, she always made accommodations for my requests. She was committed to honoring Jenny.

After many months and countless conversations, we combined segments of our recorded conversation with photographs taken along the way. I struggle with providing a definition for what we ultimately produced. I guess you could say it’s a presentation, but it’s so much more than that. It’s a tribute to Jenny and the relationship she shared with Becky. It’s deeply personal. It’s honest and revealing. It is, one woman’s candid and vulnerable expression of loss.

If you have lost someone you love, especially a twin, you are not alone. We hope this message speaks to you. By openly sharing Becky’s personal experience, we hope you feel a sense of connection and are comforted by it.

As a final thought, it would have been much easier for Becky to postpone this endeavor. It would have been easier to hide – to simply pretend she was in a dream that would eventually end. It has been a year (to the day) since Jenny’s passing and I’ve never once seen my friend hide. In the face of pain, fear and loss she remains heart-wounded, but outwardly brave. – charles mcpadden

Special thanks to Lori Davis and Glen Garcia. Music composed by Lauren Habib and Peter Habib.

–> Please scroll to the bottom of the comments and leave a message of support or share a favorite memory of Jenny!

50 Comments:

Jonathan

June 24, 2013

Found this video online today for the first time, looking for new resources for twinless twins. My identical twin brother passed away very suddenly from a blood clot to the lungs on April 29, 2012 and my life has been irreversibly changed. I can really echo a lot of Becky’s thoughts and statements through this video, and it is a wonderful thing you have done Charles to allow her to continue to honor her twin’s legacy like this.

June 25, 2013

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your brother. Through Becky, I’ve come to appreciate the special bond shared by twins. I can only remotely understand what you’re experiencing. I believe the efforts Becky has put forth to honor her sister (things that continue to this day) have been very beneficial for all aspects of her life. I would encourage you to do the same. Find a way to walk through this process that is constructive, healthy and honoring to you and your brother. Know that you are not alone! Charles

Denise

June 11, 2013

Thank you for creating this , I watched it for the first time on the one year anniversary of Jenny’s passing at the site where it happened and it comforted me for many reasons.
First I totally relate to what you said about feeling helpless and just want to do anything to help ease Becky’s pain. I feel this way constantly still and it’s the worst thing to see your friend going thru something like this and there is nothing you can do.
Second, I miss Jenny so much every day and still am in shock that she is gone. She was the kind of friend you know you we’re so lucky to have in your life. She loved with her whole heart and it was genuine and real. And you just knew it. I was Becky and Jenny’s hairdresser since they were 16 and became very close to them both and got to witness their amazing bond, it was something you don’t see often, if ever, between two people. I love them both so much and miss Jenny everyday. I had a baby girl 8 months ago on the day before the second anniversary of her passing and felt a strong desire to honor her any way I could so i named my sweet baby girl Jennifer Anne after her. I only hope and pray that She grows up and touches as many people in her life like Jenny did. She was truly a gift and I know I was lucky to know her for as long as I did. I thank God for Becky for so many reasons and how much I have seen her go thru is just awe inspiring.
Her courage to do this so soon truly blew me away. I love Becky and Jenny Sehenuk always and Jenny will NEVER be forgotten. It is impossible to forget such an incredible girl like her. Thank you again for creating this, it is a beautiful was to honor her life that was way too short. I love you Jenny!!

June 11, 2013

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. It has been a very long road for everyone involved. Jenny’s passing still leaves people feeling shocked, lost and cheated. Your comments about Jenny are certainly in keeping with what so many others have said; Jenny was an incredible friend. She made a permanent mark on your heart. I was touched to learn you named your daughter Jennifer Anne. What a wonderful way to honor Jenny and help keep her memory alive. Thanks for being such a great friend to Becky and Jenny! God bless you.

Alicia Silliker

April 17, 2013

Hi Charles, I just want to say thank you for creating this with Becky. I became a twinless twin just a month after Jenny, when my identical twin sister passed away on November 4th, 2010 at the age of 16. On nights like tonight, when I feel that immense grief and pain, I always go back and watch this video. Although I cry the entire way through, I at least know that I’m not alone in this. Everything that Becky says about Jenny is exactly what I would say about Brianna (my twin). Thank you to the both of you for being able to give me some hope and some time to heal, I don’t know where I would be without this story.

Charles McPadden

April 17, 2013

Let me start by saying how very sorry I am for the loss of your sister, Brianna. I know I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through. One thing that I’ve learned through this process with Becky is that twin relationships are unique and deeply special. While I try to see the positive side of most things in life (or at least learn from them), this type of scenario challenges my ability at times. Ultimately, I do believe there is purpose in everything – even those things that seem completely unfair and wildly undesirable. I wish (deeply) that I could remove this burden from all those who have experienced this type of loss. Please hang in there, continue to heal (no matter how long it takes), honor Brianna with your life and know that you are not (ever) alone. – Charles

Darlene Moore

June 22, 2012

What a beautiful tribute to Becky and especially to her twin, Jenny! I especially love that the entire family came together on their first birthday apart and that friends and family did a balloon release in Jenny’s memory! So nice to see friends and family supporting Becky in her twinless journey which is difficult beyond words. Thanks for sharing and I hope you don’t mind me sharing at my home page as it just speaks volumes. I am sorry to learn of the loss of your twin Becky and so glad you are surrounded by such great support and hope that continues for you. You will always be a twin and keeping that twin alive in our memories is the way we keep them with us. Twin hugs! Darlene Twin to David 1961-2008

cmcpadden

June 22, 2012

Hi Darlene, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Your words mean a lot to Becky and all others who have experienced loss. You are absolutely right, the journey of loss is indeed difficult beyond words. While I am not a twin, Becky’s journey has taught me a great deal about the special relationship of twins. Indeed, support has been a major positive factor for Becky. Supporting others in similar circumstances was one of the driving factors in making this tribute to honor Jenny. To that end, this tribute was also made for David! God bless you. -Charles

Jason Bess

March 10, 2012

Hi Charles,
My name is Jason, I was Jennys boyfriend. I have tried many times to watch this and have never made it more than 2 minutes into it. Until tonight. This was a very beautiful tribute to Jenny and the bond she shared with Becky. It was also one of the hardest things I have ever had to watch. Thank you so much for doing this and being there to support Becky. As you know, Jenny was special. She was the most amazing woman I have ever met and she completely changed my life. I can very much relate to the things that Becky says, because I too feel I had a different relationship with Jenny than anyone else. I keep waiting for the hurt and the missing to go away, or at least subside, but it just doesn’t. When you meet someone that touches your soul, they make a ‘forever’ impact. And Jenny had a way of ‘punching’ right to your heart…..
Thank you so much for this….
Jason

cmcpadden

March 11, 2012

Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss. I know this piece is difficult and I can’t imagine seeing it from your perspective. Jenny was a truly wonderful person and her passing is no less painful today than it was so many months ago. Jenny was a unique and brilliant star. Her impact will never be forgotten by anyone who knew her. I wish I could say (or do) something that would make this better for you and everyone else. I know there are life lessons here, but mostly it just seems like bewildering loss. Heaven is our hope and the place where we shall certainly see Jenny again. Imagine that… Until that time, if there’s anything I can do for you, please contact me immediately. – charles

Kara Ferris

October 08, 2011

Charles, thank you so much for this very moving and beautiful tribute to both Jenny and Becky. I have only known Becky since the loss of her twin and I now feel as though I know her so much better. I feel as though I understand the heaviness that she still carries. I can sense that Becky is a person who has within her great joy and fullness and love of life which has all been tempered and is cautiously being held inside. I get it now…as best as I can. What a horrible shock and a much more deeply life changing event than I could ever comprehend and yet, because of this piece, I’ve been given a glimpse into her experience and it’s given me great compassion for Becky and the other members of her family who have had to walk through such a tragic loss. There is a verse in Psalms 33 that says, “Let your unfailing love surround us Lord, for our hope is in you alone.” May His unfailing love surround you, Becky now and forevermore.

cmcpadden

October 08, 2011

Hi Kara. Very well put. I think the way you expressed yourself is perfect. If you feel as though you now know what Becky is going through, then we have hit the mark with this piece. The relationship between twins is special. I can’t say I fully understand it, but I know it’s very deep. Losing a twin is harder than most of us can appreciate. Becky is indeed a very strong person, but her loss runs very (very) deep. Thank you for your comments. God bless you always!

Jane D.

October 05, 2011

What an incredible friend your are Charles to help Becky share her grief journey in such an honest, revealing way. We all need friends to walk alongside us when we are hurting. What a love story of the bond between Becky and Jenny. Being a twin, I could walk in Becky’s shoes. Bless you and thank you Becky for your open heart. Those who mourn will be comforted.There is no other way to get to the other side of pain, than to walk through it. Thank you Becky for your transparency. And thank you to your caring friend Delinda who shared this website with me. God is always good.

cmcpadden

October 05, 2011

Hi Jane. Thank you for the things you said. Knowing that you are a twin means you can probably understand Becky’s perspective more than I can. What I do know is that Becky is a special person and a dear friend. Working on this project with her was nothing short of a blessing for me. Honestly, it was a blessing! Through it, I got to know Jenny and help my friend in her time of need. I’m thankful for Becky’s trust and friendship. God bless you Jane.

Ama Cruz

October 04, 2011

I hope I’m not intruding …I saw this in Rainey’s FB post. I say this also because my encounters with Becky are limited to what work allow us. I still remember vividly how shocked everyone (at work) was upon hearing of Jenny’s accident and how immediately many reached out to our Lord in prayer -that He would provide comfort and peace to Becky and her family. Whenever I see Becky, I often wonder how is she coping, but dare not ask, or when I compose an email to her, I’d hesitate to ask how can I pray for her, afraid that it may be still to raw. Like many, I too appreciate your tribute because you’ve exacted the words to this sentiment, “Doing so made me realize I was largely helpless to help her.” But Jesus in Matthew 5:4 provides Becky a promise, “Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. “Truly, she is blessed (to have you as a friend) and is comforted -by God’s sovereignty and knowing Jenny is in heaven. Thank you for this glimpse into Becky’s heart, and for reminding us to continue to lift her up in prayer.

cmcpadden

October 05, 2011

Hi Ama, your words can never be an intrusion. I think most people feel the way you do. They want to help, they want to ask, but they also want to give Becky her space. Your words here will certainly provide comfort to Becky. Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out and express yourself. I know Becky is blessed by comments like yours. God bless you.

Rashelle

October 04, 2011

I only knew Becky and Jenny as familiar faces as we walked the same high school campus what seems like forever ago. We have some mutual friends but for some reason or another our paths never seemed to cross. This is one of the most, if not the most heart touching videos I have been lucky enough to view. You captured the raw emotion that could be felt by anyone.
Becky, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know there is not a single word or phrase that will bring comfort to you. Yet, I pray that the Lord will bring you comfort to tackle each day.

cmcpadden

October 04, 2011

Margot

October 03, 2011

This was a wonderful and unique gift for you to do this for your friend Becky. It was simultaneously heartbreaking and beautiful. I knew Jenny for a very short while…a blink in comparison to many, but in that blink, I knew I met someone that had that ‘something’ extra special about her. I know a few people that were close to her and the impact of her loss is great. I don’t know Becky, but have often found myself wondering how her family is coping, especially her twin sister Becky and now I see…she’s coping as only each of us can when tragedy stikes. Becky – please know your sister won’t be forgotten…I think of her often and those that live with her loss every day. If I think of her with only my ‘blink’…rest asurred that those that knew and loved her for moments, days, years and her lifetime will never ever forget her. God Bless you and your family sweet girl…and God Bless you Charles for being a good friend.

cmcpadden

October 03, 2011

Hi Margot. I can’t thank you enough for sharing your comments. Your words are very touching. Jenny was a wonderful person who cared deeply for people. Becky is the same way. In fact, I think Becky and Jenny share many great qualities. Becky is a very talented and wonderful friend. Working with her on this project was an honor I will always cherish. I’m humbled to be a small part of honoring Jennifer Sehenuk. The wonderful comments left here by friends like you mean so much to Becky and her family. God bless you for being a friend!

MJ Torres-Ford

October 02, 2011

Jen….you we’re an amazing friend…always looked out for me…always reminding me and always telling me you loved me…
Words cannot express how I feel since you left earth…..I do know one thing…I do see glimpses of your face and you’re smiling……
I love you my Jen…..

October 02, 2011

cmcpadden

October 02, 2011

Sib Nafziger Charles

October 02, 2011

Charles, I do not really know you and Becky but through this beautiful bittersweet peice I feel I got a small peek into your worlds. I love that our God can take our brokenness and use it for His Glory. I thought of this quote by Henri Nouwen as I watching this amazingly honest pieces:

Where Mourning and Dancing Touch Each Other

“There is a time for mourning, a time for dancing” (Ecclesiastes 3:4). But mourning and dancing are never fully separated. Their “times” do not necessarily follow each other. In fact, their “times” may become one “time.” Mourning may turn into dancing and dancing into mourning without showing a clear point where one ends and the other starts.

Often our grief allows us to choreograph our dance while our dance creates the space for our grief. We lose a beloved friend, and in the midst of our tears we discover an unknown joy. We celebrate a success, and in the midst of the party we feel deep sadness. Mourning and dancing, grief and laughter, sadness and gladness – they belong together as the sad-faced clown and the happy-faced clown, who make us both cry and laugh. Let’s trust that the beauty of our lives becomes visible where mourning and dancing touch each other.
-Henri Nouwen

cmcpadden

October 02, 2011

Hi Sib! Wow, I’ve read your comment three times and I’m still blown away by it. Thank you for sharing that. It is my hope that through this, Becky can find unknown (unexpected) joy. Perhaps, some level of joy will come from knowing she has reached so many people and that so many people thought so highly of Jenny. Becky is such a caring person. In the midst of her pain, I know that she finds some satisfaction in knowing that God is using this experience to serve so many other people. Thanks again, Sib.

Bob

October 02, 2011

Intellectually, I know that dealing with personal loss is a natural part of “life”. However, I never considered the profound impact the loss of a twin sibling could have on the survivor until I experienced Becky’s account as told through her monologue and Charles’ powerful images. What a beautiful tribute to Jenny! May God continue to heal your pain.

cmcpadden

October 02, 2011

Bob, thanks for your open thoughts. I was in the same boat as you. I never considered the implications either. Through this experience, I have come to know that organizations such as http://www.twinlesstwins.org exist because of this very issue. I’m thankful for this organization and the services they provide for those like my friend Becky. God bless!

Jennifer Rudd, twin to Janet

October 02, 2011

What a beautiful tribute to the love shared between Becky and Jenny. As a twinless twin myself I could relate to everything Becky said. That was (and still is) my greatest fear “that she will be forgotten”. Their lives did matter! When I see the accompanying pictures I can sense that feeling of Becky being alone and yet the presence of her twin is there. I love the last line “In the face of pain, fear and loss she remains heart-wounded, but outwardly brave.” How brave of Becky to share this journey with us (Jenny would be proud of you).

cmcpadden

October 02, 2011

Hi Jennifer, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’m sorry for your loss. Having a fear that your twin will be forgotten seems to be a common feeling among twinless twins. My hope is that this tribute to Jenny will help others learn about her or, for those that knew her, reconnect with their memories of Jenny. Again, thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

Janet

October 02, 2011

I was so moved by this tribute to Jenny. Through this she will stay alive for ever in the memories of all who watch your evocative film. I lost my twin too and watching and listening to Becky made me feel not so alone. I am from the UK- but twin loss is universal.

cmcpadden

October 02, 2011

Hi Janet, thank you for your comments. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve learned a lot about twin loss through my friendship with Becky. I know how deep the loss can cut our hearts. I’m glad this tribute to Jenny helped you in some small way. Blessings to you!

Travis Nave

October 02, 2011

Becky Quan

October 01, 2011

This piece of art truly touches my soul. I feel like I have a thousand emotions that I want to share all at once, but I still have a hard time expressing them. All I can say is thank you! I will never forget Jenny, and will always appreciate the love she gave, and how she helped bring me to a better place in my own life. Truly greatful. Becky and Charles, thank you thank you thank you for sharing this!! I love and miss you Jenny!!

cmcpadden

October 02, 2011

lauren

October 01, 2011

Charles, there are really no words to describe how moving this is. Thank you so much for dedicating your time to create such a wonderful piece that honors Jenny so well. Becky, your courage, resilience & transparency continue to amaze me… and your raw honesty makes this piece what it is – a beautiful tribute to Jen, who will be forever loved and forever missed.

cmcpadden

October 02, 2011

Hi Lauren. Thank you for your kind words. I know this endeavor was very difficult for Becky. Throughout the process Becky wanted nothing more than to honor Jenny and let others know what a special person she was. I think Becky achieved her goals. I seriously can’t thank you and your brother enough for your contributions and friendship to Becky. Thank you!

Eileen Jensen, twin to Elaine

October 01, 2011

This is a wonderful tribute to Jenny. I feel you shared yourself and your pain of lossing Jenny from the heart. As you said, knowing Jenny is in heaven is the comfort that you have, that God has a purpose for you and it will be revealed when you are ready. God loves you and will never leave you. Jenny will always be with you the rest of your life, you will never forget her, I know.

cmcpadden

October 02, 2011

Christine Freedman

October 01, 2011

Thank you allowing us to see into your grief and pain through this video. It can’t be easy to think of the memories as they come to your mind daily and yet, they are what is left and are important. And God will use your experiences in the lives of others. Thank you for the poignant tribute and your honest words.

cmcpadden

October 02, 2011

Christine, I believe you are correct. I think God will indeed use Becky’s experience in the lives of others. It is, in fact, one of the reasons Becky wanted to make this public tribute to Jenny. God bless you.

Cindy Fahy

October 01, 2011

So beautiful is your love for Jenny that even now molds you, changing you to become more than you would ever be without her. God’s amazing gift she has been in the past and still is and will ever be. Treasure in heaven…for you it’s Jesus and so much more. Meanwhile, you love so well here Becky. Now I know why. It’s Jenny. Thanks for sharing her with me so I can know her too and learn from her life like you have. I love you Becky, Cindy

cmcpadden

October 02, 2011

Sandy

October 01, 2011

Thank you for doing this, Charles. It is a beautiful tribute to Jenny and such an intimate sharing by Becky with regard to losing her twin. Your words certainly explained so clearly what Becky has been through this past year. Jenny is sorely missed by everyone who knew her and loved her.