Rustic Ramblings

Terry Miller

Published 7:00 pm, Wednesday, September 29, 2004

I'm making a lot of flights to Massachusetts lately and it seems I may be becoming a familiar sight at airports. You know you're traveling too much when ticket agents ask, "Usual trip to New England?" Some of the flight attendants are looking at me like they know me. That used to be a good thing years ago, but in these days of terrorist suspicion I'd rather not be too high on anyone's radar anymore. A little extra service isn't worth the sides trips for "extra security."

If you have been flying in recent months you have seen an increase in security measures at airports. It used to be that you had to take your shoes off and run them through the detectors if they looked like they might conceal a weapon or had much metal in them. I was wearing sneakers just so I didn't have to take my shoes off. So much for that. Now the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) people routinely tell me to take off even my sneakers. Let me tell you, this world of airport security is no place for holey socks. You just have to plan on showing off your stocking feet at least for the 20 or 30 feet necessary to get

safely through the screeners and put your shoes back on.

I haven't decided yet whether the screeners are hired for their lack of a sense of humor or if it is purged from their existence during training. I am used to talking and joking with people I meet, especially if I am a captive audience and am required to converse with them. I like talking to people. As Sydney Greenstreet's character, Gutman, in "The Maltese Falcon" says to Humphrey Bogart's character, Sam Spade, I like talking to a man who likes to talk. That lets the screeners out. They seem to have found a way to shorten one- and two-word sentences. At least they don't move their arms around like traffic cops.

Someone recently joked that John Kerry lacked facial expression because of Botox injections. I don't know about Senator Kerry's medical history, but if it's true of him then there must be some busy plastic surgeons running around airports touching up and removing smile lines on the faces of TSA employees.

I know better than to joke with these guys, but I do try to wish them a good day or at least be friendly. I was trying to be sympathetic to one older TSA man standing at his post, looking at our boarding passes and photo identification. I said something about it being a shame they didn't provide him with a chair. He just said he didn't need it because they rotated positions often and then turned to the next person in line, preventing me from continuing the conversation. If ever we humans create working robots or androids, I think I have a good idea where they would be put to use first.

There are worse places associated with flying where robotics might be used.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to National Airline's fully automated service to New York with continuing service to London. There is no cockpit in this plane because there are no pilots or co-pilots. Completely foolproof computers have taken over all flight responsibilities so sit back and relax and enjoy the flight knowing that nothing can go wrong…, go wrong…, ggooooo wrrrooonnggg…"