I’m always trying to put myself in other people’s shoes, see how they live. Is their life shit or pretty lit? My life is rough, no one wants to wear these leather shoes. I’ve recently noticed how tough straight guys have it. Being a sinner I’ve never really had the opportunity to be a pussy magnet. I’ve decided to go undercover all next week as a straight white male. I want to see how they live. Is it a cake walk full of white privilege or is it a open field with landmine everywhere just waiting for you to fuck up and accuse you of rape.

Starting this Monday I will no longer wear my cute ass cardigans, draped over my shoulders like a queen. Instead I’ll wear basketball jerseys all the time, vineyard vines and those corny boating shoes. Yes I will ALWAYS be chewing dip and yes I will carry around a gross ass water bottle to spit it in just to gross society out. If you need me you’ll find me at the Y playing ball with the boysssss.

I also plan on always sending random dick pics to random girls I just met, my way of saying sup. And y’all best expect those 3 am “you up” texts we all love. I am going full blown on this. I’ve even been working on my straight voice as well, it’s pretty manly. Ladies, be prepared to have me blow your phone up every day and NOT take a hint when you ignore me. And when I ask “um where’s my hug ma” you best give me one.

First thing I will do is set my tinder to pussy only. Imma let those girls fall in love with me and ask them on a date. I wanna see how a straight date is like. Yes I’m lowkey fag catfishing these girls but it’s all for science! I’m even willing to hook up with them after so I can get the full effect. If I have to go down under, so be it, I’ll have a good book on tape and Nutella ready. I need the best information for my article about this. These girls most likely will fall in love with me so like a classic dude imma dead her the next day. Block her ass on everything for no reason what so ever, classic savage shit.

So if you see me in public next week macking on the babes don’t be alarmed and don’t cock block me. Say “sup man you slay that hoe last week or nah”? Let them all know that Papi is the pussy magnet. If this works out I’m thinking of going undercover as a Scientologist or as someone ugly.