Fantastic, Valuable Cars Sold At Barrett-Jackson's Palm Beach Auction - These Freaks Sold There Too

Now other people are going to cover the high points of Barrett-Jackson’s April 5-7 Palm Beach sale, so I won’t bore you with talk of customs, resto-mods or (half)million-dollar-sales. Instead I’m going to shine a light on the auction’s seamy underbelly to expose the creatures known as “filler” lots.

But I’m not going to bother with the late-model lease-returns and beat-up aged exotics that tend to occupy 75 percent of any B-J sale’s slate. No, I’m going right down into the bilge of the USS BJPB to show you six of the freakiest lots they had on offer (or seven, if you count the trailer).

“This beautiful car is a re-creation of the 1929 Mercedes SSK roadster made by Gazelle. It is built on a rectangular steel tube frame, using Mustang II style suspension. Its powertrain is a Pinto 2,300cc engine, automatic transmission and rear end. The car is in excellent condition. The top, boot and side curtains are all in excellent condition. Tires, including the spare are in like new condition. The vehicle has always been garage kept and covered since it was built. Titled as a 1984 Gazelle.”

I only have one question for the idiot that spent eleven grand on this pimped-up Pinto: How much more will you willing to spend? I mean, if Mr. $10.5k raised his paddle again, were you going to throw even more money at this monstrosity that some nutbar built in his basement? You do know that for the money you just wasted on this cobbled-up conglomeration you could’ve bought a REAL car with a REAL engine, right? And why isn’t Mercedes-Benz crushing THESE like they are the fake Gullwings? Seriously, they’re using the names “Mercedes SSK” and “Pinto” to describe the same vehicle, and their hood ornament is M-B’s but upside-down! Sic ‘em, Stuttgart, and save us all from ever having to see one of these again!

“This vehicle was purchased by the current owner in 1995. It is powered by a VW engine. It has been in an exhibit and driven on several occasions. Under the front hood is an equipped bar. The body in [sic] metal, fiberglass and wood. The cockpit is cherry wood as is the dash. In 2011 the paint was refinished and so was the seat. Fun car to drive and show. The motor was recently removed to replace the clutch and transmission. Excellent vehicle.”

I hereby copyright the name “Bar-Gatti” and forbid its use outside of this description. I am very pleased with my creativity in word-coining but hate this kind of vehicle so much that I’m willing to kill my creation here and now. Look, I don’t mind using “VW” and “Bugatti” together nearly as much as “SSK” and “Pinto”, but both are abominations. What makes this one suck a little bit less is the fact that the owner/builder/whomever has incorporated the tools of his shame-drinking right into the source of his shame, thus creating a way he can drink enough to stop caring about what people say regarding his choice of vehicle without leaving said vehicle’s vicinity. Then again, judging by his—what woman is this dumb?—$6,380 winning bid, he must hit the sauce pretty hard 24/7…

I’m going to go out on a limb and assume that each “Custom Built Hummer Golf Cart” was in fact only custom to the point that they built the basic ripoff rig and let the saps who bought them choose between stripes and no stripes. And I don’t know what they originally went for, but the stripey one brought $1,100 more than the one without. I guess I know what Lot 313’s buyer is doing right now: frantically searching for a cheap pinstripe-applier to get his money back when it comes time to unload this on the nextsucker in line…

“Country singer Willie Nelson's former 1981 electric golf cart with Rolls-Royce features, wet bar on board and named The 19th Hole. Built in 1981 for country singer Willie Nelson as a gift from his former wife Connie. The golf cart was seized by the IRS and auctioned at Willie Nelson's Pedernales Golf Course. Built with a lightweight aluminum frame. The golf cart has a radio with tape deck, headlights, turn signals and a small wet bar with several buttons to push for bourbon, gin, scotch, vodka and a W for water or whiskey. The little red and white golf cart has Willie embroidered on its red velvet seats, full wind shield, white fiberglass top and Rolls-Royce grille. Includes 2 of his personal golf bags.”

OK, fun’s over. This actually belonged to Willie Nelson, the "Red-headded Stranger" or some such thing. And like the Bar-Gatti [still mine!] this Rolls-nosed roller skate comes with the means for getting smashed right on board! [To future passengers I offer a warning: As the auction text states, there’s “a W for water or whiskey.” Make sure you find out which “W” it is before spending a hot day on the links. Golf may only be tolerable when you’re hammered, but dehydration is a silent killer!] Anyhoo, I don’t know how much of the singer’s $16.7 million tax bill got paid by the sale of this cart the first time around, but it brought $4,675 here. Money wasted? Not entirely, if your name is “Willie.” [OK, even if that IS your name you just blew almost five grand. Is this perhaps another case of heavy pre-bidding drinking? They probably forgot to check which “W” they were being served at the bar…]

Lot 388.1 ($1,100): “Tandem trailer for submarine. Receiver for towing, spare tire, power assist brakes and electric winch for loading submarine. Sold on Bill of Sale only. Sold as a pair with lot 388.”

STOP IT! I HATE the Beatles. I know that’s like punching your grandpa in the stones, but… [Speaking of which, why does anyone care about those Liverpuddlians when they could be listening to a REAL band like the Stones? Oh, sorry. Back to it…] …I can’t stand them. So you better get your “Yellow Submarine” comments out of your system now so we can get on with this. Right. Unlike any of the crap I’ve covered thus far this vehicle is exactly what it says it is: an honest-to-goodness submarine. And ALSO unlike the rest, with an all-in price of “just” $17,600, this seems like a hell of a deal to me. I don’t, naturally, know what all that nautical/technological terminology means, so I have no idea when or where I could possibly use it, but it’s a freaking SUBMARINE! How cool is that?! You could be a Bond villain or James Cameron stalker with this fully-kitted Kittredge [term copyright me, now], or merely park it in your driveway as a conversation starter: “What? This old thing? Yep, it’s just my submarine. Sure, you have a BMW, but does it go under-FREAKING-WATER? Didn’t THINK so, jerkface! So stuff…” Actually, those conversations won’t go well. It’s better to just plan on silently lurking in your submarine, even if it never leaves your driveway. Or swimming pool. Or your neighbor’s—a.k.a. your ENEMY’s—pool! Yes… "Up periscope, rudder amidships, flood tubes one through two, prepare to fire on neighbor's Camry..."