Words on the journey of raising a boy who eschews many social “boy” labels, and empowering him along the way.

Blogging for LGBT Families: Smacked in the face by compassion and understanding

This is my first opportunity to participate in Blogging for LGBT families day. I’ve read blogs in past years on this day, but never had one…until now. What a great concept to build community, visibility, and compassion. Which is really what my blog is all about.

I didn’t really know how, in particular, I wanted to approach this day. So I decided that I’d stick with my theme and share thoughts about my mothering journey, which is really all about a lesbian family.

What I’ve found since I’ve really started to pay attention to my own stereotypes, discomforts, and biases as I work to support and raise a healthy, gender-boundary-pushing son, is that allies are out there everywhere. When I worry the most about him announcing his love for purple or fairies or dresses, I’m most likely to be smacked in the face by compassion. Those are the moments that I love the most. It’s really because they are the most painful and cause me to peel away my biases about people and their perceptions of the world.

At first, I worried that straight folks would have the hardest time dealing with Q not fitting entirely into the boy gender mold. My worry, though, was a path directly into confrontation, as I realized that many of those straight folks are perhaps more understanding, more willing to embrace a boy outside of “gender guidelines” than some queer folks. While I haven’t experienced any discomfort from queer folks directly, I have definitely been heartened by the understanding, support, and compassion that straight parents of Q’s friends have shown him, which revealed to me the stereotypes that I have around sexual orientation and its correlation with open-mindedness. So yes, once again I my own stereotypes and narrow-minded thinking come back to smack me in the face. But in a good way, because I do believe that with that smack comes an opening of the mind, a relaxing of my defenses. And ultimately more love for Q.

Just yesterday, as we celebrated Q’s birthday, he received, among other things, two books about fairies. And that just made my heart glow. His friends and their parents know of his passion for fairies, and as opposed to sidestepping that passion and getting him something perhaps a bit easier to stomach as a gift for a boy, they boldly stepped out to gift him these books. Amazing. I know it’s a small act, but I do see it as an act of compassion and understanding. And an act that shows me the support that our small little lesbian family finds within our community. Most important, for me, is how that support manifests for my dear boy.

So blogging for LGBT families…I think I do it every day. I blog as a way of making my family visible and building support out in the world for others like us. I blog to create a closer-knit “family”/community around us for the moms and our boy, and I blog, honestly, as an exercise in expanding my own compassion, open-mindedness, and understanding.

Advertisements

Like this:

LikeLoading...

Related

5 Responses

I thought of your son last week. We have always let our son (he’s 4 now) choose what he wants to be for Halloween. The first year, he was too young and his God-mother made him a dragon costume. The next year he asked to be a cat. Then an elephant. Then The Cat in the Hat (I got to be a Cat in the Hat too in his plan). This year, he has declared he wants to be a fairy! My partner asked me if I thought that was ok and I said it’s what he wants to sure.

Hi there M (and this is also for K) – I stumbled onto your blog through Mombian on June 2, and wanted to take the time to add my voice to all those giving you encouragement and support. The fact that you support Q in his choices is beautiful, and his life will be the better and the happier for it. The fact that you have doubts and fears and even discomfort with it is not something to be ashamed of, it simply makes you human; and being able to support him despite those things makes you amazing, selfless parents.

I am female-bodied and identify as queer, leaning much more towards the male side of the spectrum than the female. I can’t tell you how many moments of shame and anxiety could have been avoided, if I had only been given the space to realize that the reason why going shopping for school clothes made me depressed was that we were shopping in the wrong department!

Absolutely nothing against my own parents, who I know love me and meant no harm. Also certainly not to say that Q is destined to have an alternate gender identity, as I do. But as a grown-up version of a kid who wanted nothing more than to be comfortable in my own skin, it makes my heart glad to know that you are helping him be comfortable in his.

I haven’t read very much of your blog- I found it just a few minutes ago. But thank you. You and Q are so very brave and there’s time yet for my son and me. My son Charlie would wear a dress every day if I let him and I’m trying to be the supportive parent and think it’s ridiculous that girl are allowed but boys arent, as I would be if boys were allowed to do anything girl weren’t. I just want to protect my son from all the stereotypes in the world and being in a gay family I feel he’s already got so much to battle, but if I continue to walk on eggshells in life and allow him to hide who he is and what he wants- I’m just as guilty for continuing the stereotype. Anyway, thanks.