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Author
Topic: Im terrified... NEED HELP. (Read 36564 times)

I have a huge board exam coming up in exactly one month and I need to study 10-12 hours per day with a clear mind. I went to the doctor for a routine blood work but this time he decided on his own to test for HIV without my written consent which i find odd. This was the first time I met this doctor and I didn't like him so I canceled my next appointment with him.

He called me on my phone 7 days later and said "your results are back and you are reactive to HIV 1/2 and confirmed that you have HIV".

(7/26/11) never forget that date, where I was and the moment frozen in time forever might just freeze my life...

I just remembered slapping myself in the head and being frozen and shocked. He kept on talking and I have no idea what he said. I called him back in an hour and he didn't want to take my call... I couldn't study and I decided to find a local hiv testing centers and go there. They were very supportive and he tested me and said I am preliminary positive and will confirm it by tuesday... So I'm waiting... I also made an appointment in california at University of California UCI for ID doctor on tuesday so in case i am indeed positive then I can get this shit started with. omg... im so scared...

my lymph nodes are swollen but nontender and I have no other symptoms. I was gaining weight because of studying but now i'm losing because I'm depressed, anxious and can't eat!! I was such a healthy and active person... now i just want to die but just not from HIV. .

I'm terrified... I'm scared... I can't study... If I failed my exam I'm done with life... I feel so bad for my family... i let them down... i really let them down... I'm so focused on my studies that I never even went out to party or drink or anything... all it takes is one infected person to not know about their status and for my idiot behaviour to give in on allowing sex without condoms. oh how i wish i could turn back time...

I come on here to find some relief but I can't be on here... i need to be studying... I wish that I didn't know until after my exam but then again knowing earlier is better...

I'm 29 and I never thought this would be my fate... what happens to romance... what happens to my future... will I be able to be a doctor even if I do well on my exams... am i allowed to be a doctor??

I'm Canadian but right now im in the US and have insurance in the US through Blue Cross. Am I covered for meds like Atripla? Are they going to increase my premium because of this now? please help me... let me know...

Hi scared2b, nothing you are feeling or talking about is anything unusual for someone who has just tested positive.

First thing, you need to wait for your Western blot test result. You can only be sure that you are positive once you get those results.

In the event you do get a confirmatory positive test result, I can assure you that while it can get challenging in the beginning, despite all of your fears and concerns, your life is going to go on and life will still be good.

I am 28 years old and was diagnosed 6 months ago. I understand how big a shock this is but please take a deep breath and relax and take each step slowly. It does take time to adjust to this news but like many many others you will.

Hang in there and welcome to the forums- the support here is great and people will answer any questions/concerns you may have.

I'm feeling exhausted from being sad... I read a lot of the comments on this site and then read some news online regarding hiv advances and now i'm just don't even know what to think anymore... going back to study and doing practice questions for my medical licensing exam is so difficult as every hiv related question comes up and i respond, i get a chill down my spine... that patient could be me...

Monday I'm going to an ID doctor for the first time after my test came positive. On tuesday my confirmatory test will come as well. so these are some difficult days of my life right now... days that you all have been through...

Can you guys please help me answer these questions....

1. I recently as a couple of months ago bought insurance with Blue Cross PPO. Now that I may need drugs and more treatment will my insurance premium increase?

2. I assume that Atripla is covered by insurance but how much is the copay?

3. Does anyone know anything about insurance companies and if they will send any letters to home talking about these drugs and hiv and anything like that. because if my family opens the letter and find out they will be devastated. I dont want them to find out. WHAT CAN I DO??

I know its difficult, but try not to look things up on the internet/google concerning HIV, you will get a lot of uninformed information. Stick to websites like this one for you're information and also your doctor of course.

As far as Atripla its covered by my insurance and my co-pay is 50.00 for a 3 month supply and that is covered by the Atripla prescription card, so it doesn't cost me anything. Honestly it depends on the type of insurance plan you have.

Are you on you're parents insurance? I really don't know how that works but when i go to the doctor my insurance company sends me an email of test that were run and the costs etc and what they paid. I don't have anyone on my insurance but me so not certain how that works with family plans.

in the meantime, please try and relax as much as you can, there isn't much you can do about it at this point. I promise it will get better even-though you don't think it will at the moment. There is a lot of support on here and local services that also offer counseling if you need.

If you do find out you are positive, please shop around for a doctor that you are comfortable with and can be open with as far as communication.

You seem to be in a panic mode right now, which by the way, is perfectly normal and understandable. (I was exactly in your shoes 6 months ago).

Please try and relax and realise that YOU WILL BE OK.

I don't live in the US, but just wanted to add that you should chill a bit on the questions you have regarding medication/insurance. In time, everything will unfold and become clear . And since you're a medical student, you probably already know that you could go without treatment for a long time- especially since, from what you say, yours appears to be a recent infection (?).

No one can tell you whether or not your insurance will or will not cover Atripla and what your out of pocket costs will be. All policy's are different an have different levels of coverage. You will have to check your specific coverage.

If you are on someone elses policy (your parents, spouse, partner) then that person who is primary on the policy will receive information about your care. My partner is on my policy and I receive an "explanation of benefits" that lists every test,lab test, doctor, procedure received and what coverage the insurance pays for both me and my partner.

Try exercising, play your favorite computer games to take your mind off.

It really helps if you can talk to a close friend /sibling.

Start prioritize by taking notes on what you like to do or find out on a piece of paper or laptop;- If it is more important to attend to your study /exam- Look for a reliable ID doctor (I suggest you source a doctor with at least few years of experience)- Fine out your insurance plan /coverage- Write down your questions for your ID doctor so you wont miss out on any of them during your appointment- try to cut down and eventually quit drinking or smoking if you do- So on and so fore

Last but not least, you have the doctor who went ahead with the test without your consent to thank for.

last night I was so brave. i was able to not think about it and put on a brave face and go out to dinner with family. came home and slept like a baby. during the night had nightmares and I just woke up at 5am and it hit me in the stomach that shit what the reality is.

I have no time to spare and I have to study that is one of biggest fears right now. I don't want to fail my exam. that is why I wish that I didn't know until after this exam.

The insurance is under my name only. But I didn't know if they will send any information to my address regarding my care in case someone opens the envelope. I wanted to know if there was a way of going paperless or something like that. but I guess I have to call them and find out if I can do something about that. Or I should just change my address at the post office to bring my mail somewhere else. the thought of my family finding out about this is terrifying. I do not want to bring more tears to them.

You are exactly where I was two months ago. When I tested positive in May, I did not see it coming and lived on adrenalin and panic for the first month. The folks on here said "it gets better", and it DOES! I know it seems completely overwhelming now, but soon as panic changes to clear thinking, you will realize that all will be well. Medicine has really kicked this virus on its butt. Look at the labs that people post; the changes are dramatic in crushing out the viral load to undetectable and thus, the CD4 rises. Most folks on here have a "normal" immune system. I have found that meeting two positive mentors has been really helpful. One guy has lived with HIV for 12 years - he has never been sick, always been on the same meds with no side effects and is undetectable. The other guy has been poz for 28 (yes 28) years and is living a fantastic life, fully alive and fully healthy. He has changed meds a few times, but that was in the early days.I had to make a rule for myself about surfing the web. First, only one hour a day. Second, just this site, TheBody, HIVINSITE and poziam. My therapist provided the good insight that obsessive surfing the web is like a drug, it numbs us and makes us believe that we are doing something to help when we feel helpless.Good for you for going out for dinner. I know how tough that can be. You feel like a foreigner in your own body, like you are no longer you...but you are, 100% you and all the goodness that you always were/are. I felt like people were looking at me and could see HIV written all over me; of course they can't and its all in my head.For me, the mornings were the worst...they still can be a struggle. I found that when i was asleep, I could escape it all and then within minutes of waking it would all rush in like a tidal wave and I would panic with a million what if questions. My only advice would be to try to get up and moving asap and label whats going on as what it is - its just anxiety, and anxiety can't harm you.You mention you are in Canada. I am in Toronto and feel free to PM me if you are here as well and I can share some local resources.In the meantime, BREATHE, remember that millions have journeyed this road before us and live healthy and happy, full lives and that modern medicine has done literally, miracles.

I feel EXACTLY what you have described. i mean word by word. i feel that I'm beginning to accept it even though it is so unfair but you are right mornings are THE WORST. As it becomes bed time I am joyful to go to bed and hope that whatever was happening was just a bad dream but in the morning I know I have to face this for the rest of the day... for the rest of my life...

I am from Toronto but right now I came to the US for a month to study for my exam. I'll be back Sept 1.

The only good thing is that I bought insurance in the US because I got back and forth a lot. and so I'm going to see an ID doctor on Monday and a counselor on tuesday.

Can you explain to me how it works in Toronto? With respect to meds and all? are you on your own to pay for your meds? I'm scared.

I am so glad we connected! My first thought is that you don't need to give meds a second thought now; if you are back in Toronto Sept 1, you have TONS of time on your side. First labs were CD4 330 VL 182,000 and my Dr does not want to even see me till the fall for next labs.In Ontario, your drugs, at worst case scenario are fully paid for by the Trillium fund - God bless socialized medicine!! (To my USA friends, that's not a cheap shot lol). If you have private insurance, it gets billed first, if not, you are 100% covered...so relax on that one.When you get back here, I can connect you with awesome folks at ACT (AIDS Committee of Toronto) who are the most inspiring, pleasant and helpful folks I have met.Hang in there my friend, all shall be well (at least better for now)

I don't understand why you're already thinking about insurances policies and co., as you (don't seem) to have your CD4 count yet, and probably don't even need to think about treatment already. One thing tho: if the insurance company you subscribed to only have one of your address, then you will receive everything they need to send you to that same address. If it's your parent's address, well these things are private with your name on it, and I don't see why someone else would want to open such letters. It's not like they will send you ARVs publicity anyway, right?

You need to both calm yourself, base your status on reliable information (such as found on this website, or from a valuable doctor), and focus on other things as you would have been doing anyway (which seems to be studying, at this time of the year). Because, really, this news, tho it is shaking, shouldn't affect your life's plan at all. It will be better for you to put your energy into what you were already doing before learning your status. It will be fine, you're not terminally ill or anything, and the stress will fade soon. Hang on. =)

-Get your WB test result. -Meet your ID doc and get you CD4 and VL tests done-Study and concentrate on your exam-You can always leave the worrying for another day. In any case worrying is the most 'useless' emotion. (i know it is easier said, I'm a chronic worrier by birth- but I say this from experience )-Try and do things that you enjoy to take your mind of it- at least in the very short term you have your studies to keep you busy.

doing practice questions for my medical licensing exam is so difficult as every hiv related question comes up and i respond, i get a chill down my spine... that patient could be me...

Well, with ANY health-related question (aside from those that pertain only to the opposite biological sex), that patient could be you. We never know what's down the road for us regardless of our hiv status.

I'm assuming that you are being asked various questions pertaining to OIs (Opportunistic Infections) and there is no reason for you to believe any of that is going to ever happen to you. Now that you know your hiv status, you can start meds long before any of that would be a problem. So relax!

As others have said, it does get better. You may not believe us right now, but it really does.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I have a huge board exam coming up in exactly one month and I need to study 10-12 hours per day with a clear mind.

Well it sucks getting diagnosed thats for sure. And its never a good time but as you put the timing right at the top of the post, let's look at the options, in a second.

First, you have been totally confirmed HIV+? Make sure you get an ID appt and get confirmed its not clear what you reported from that phone conversation.

OK assuming you are HIV+.

Its a completely manageable disease. Everything will be worked out medically and expense wise, in due time. You arent dying now. You are not going to die. You have normal life span to look forward to. If you could see a good ID in the next week or two, he/she would tell you this.

You can survey some other members here and you should get the same info.

So if that is enough assurance for you, for the moment, then its time to study for that board exam. You'll need whatever certificate or credential you are getting because you'll need your career and life goes on, baby. Do you think you can concentrate to study, therefore??

HIV all takes time to work out. The meds. The expense. The shock of the diagnosis. Dating, love. ALL THAT takes time time time time and actually you have something more pressing to do....

We are assuming you dont want to postpone or cancel the exam. Or cannot...

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

I was already really stressed out for my exam and now this doctor called and gave me this news 7 days ago and it just wasn't necessary. I was about to get tested afterwards anyway. you know... unfortunately i cant move the exam because I start my in hospital training right after for my final year before being a damn doctor that I dont even care to be anymore...

The amazing thing is that just after a week I'm already beginning to be able to breath for longer than 10 minutes. I was a wreck to say the least. but then it hits me again... wtf... i was just getting fully comfortable about being gay and imagining a life in the future... and now another layer to deal with... omg...

I haven't done anything other than waiting for my appointment to see if i'm actually poz. i only had one test which the doctor told me on the phone and then i went to this free hiv clinic and asked this sweet guy and he tested me preliminary positive but on tuesday we'll meet for a confirmation of it... hope hope hope....

then i have to get my cd4 and vL counts and so on... even if I found my numbers today I wouldn't be able to go on the meds before my exam anyway. I can't deal with any side effects or changes before that so I guess I have to wait.. .wait... wait...

I start my in hospital training right after for my final year before being a damn doctor that I dont even care to be anymore...

You have ALL THE MORE REASON to be a doctor, and I think you will realise that soon enough.

A poz diagnosis sucks- no denying that. But like I said, millions have gone through this and you will too. If it’s even of the mildest comfort for you to know- I too am gay and was diagnosed just poz just 6 months ago at the age of 28. My family didn’t even know that I was gay! And my story and yours, is all fairly common on this site.

From what you describe I was in a far worse state than you in those initial days.

Believe me, you will look back and feel proud of yourself for getting through this period!

i love u guys... u don't even know me and you all care enough to say things to calm me down.. that is incredible... <3

I'm 29 and no matter how good looking i am and how many guys wanted to be with me but now i dont think anyone wants to even look at me... there is this constant voice in my head that says "HIV..." like all the time...

Yea doctors shouldn't do that on the phone but the thing is that because I didn't like him, I canceled my follow up apt with him. So he called me 7 days later and told me over the phone :S

I was scared so I went to a local free HIV testing clinic and did a rapid test which came up preliminary positive. The guy told me that he will send in another oral sample for a confirmatory test. I'm waiting for that result right now...

My concentration has come back somewhat and it seems that I'm better able to study but it is a cloud over my head right now won't let me focus as well as I should.

You guys are helping me out A LOT. thank you for being so supportive... My nature has always been to think far ahead and to plan things out but now I decided no to think that far ahead and focus on what is rather than what could be... IT IS SO HARD though... without you guys it would be impossible...

Scared, its great that your getting support from this forum but some of your positing are well.... Kind of concerning. Don't take this the wrong way but have you sought out some counselling to talk about this? Become HIV positive is pretty major and talking with someone in person is (in my opinion)needed.

i did call a helpline a week ago. she was really nice. i cried on the phone. i have an appt for tuesday to find out my confirmatory results and at the same time i am meeting with a case manager or whatever...

I'm telling you, the worst is the mornings when I wake up and the reality hits me... i was usually a morning person. I loved getting up early and start studying but now i go back and hide in my blankets...

i just woke up and i'm scared already... this is A LOT to take in... I'm still shocked every morning... does this go away?

I have to somehow shut down my brain within the next few minutes to be able to get back and study...

Sorry to hear what you happen. But maybe help to know that all of us been inthe same position. Something quick a year ago happen to me too and any time I open my eyes was wishing to wake up of that nightmare but just the days and months and years make you to asimilate the poz status nothing else... I'm doing great now trying my best and if we did you can done well.

scared -when one is either first diagnosed or waiting for the confirmation results, a host of emotions are bound to occur.

As others have pointed out, things do get better -

For me, I try to view my experiences as "learning experiences" and turn the negative experiences into positive ones by trying to see how I will be able to use them in a positive way in the future. Many of the emotions you are feeling will hellp you to be a better doctor in the future --- in addition to having your medical schooling, these experiences will help you to better relate to many of the feelings, thoughts and emotions your future patients are going through --- which is something that medical school can't really teach you. So, when you start to feel overwhelmed by the emotions, maybe think of them as a mechanism that is going to help you to be an even better medical professional --- this may help in "capping" them somewhat and frame them in a more positive reference rather than having them only exist in an adverse way....

Believe me when I say that many of us have been exactly where you are ---- but, your posts on here give me a strong confidence that you will be alright and will overcome the fear. Then, you will also be able to relate to and assist other members down the line when they go through the same thing either being newly diagnosed or waiting for confirmation of a their initial results.

I look forward to hearing more from you. Keep on keepin' on -- it does get better.

I'm scared of my tears when I cry! i dont want my tears or anything else get my family sick too

I'm amazed that a fourth-year med student would think that tears are an infectious fluid. They are NOT! Neither are other fluids like urine, saliva and sweat. It sounds like you need to read the Transmission Lesson found elsewhere on this website. You're working yourself up into a frenzy for no good reason.

Unless you're having unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse with your family members (or anyone else, for that matter) you are not going to infect anyone.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Ann i know all of that... what i'm saying is that I "Feel" that way... I wish I could change my perception about myself but it may take time... I'm even think if they use my pen its dangerous thats how ridiculous I feel right now. I feel dirty that's why

You are not dirty. You just have an infection. You'll be ok my friend.

Edited to add:- We really do understand how difficult this is for you and while it is only natural for you to be bursting with feeling and emotion at the moment, the tone of some of your posts suggest you're driving yourself into a frenzy (which is not warranted). Is there someone you could talk to ?? Can you ring a HIV 24 hour helpline and just talk. It will definitely help you simmer down. .

Believe us, it does get better. Everything will makes sense once the fog lifts.

What about all of thoese human beings you'll have to work with later on? Will you consider them dirty because they'll be ill while you'll be working with them as a doctor with his patients? You need to stop this and seek help in the real world, if you're feeling that terrible about what is happening to you. And soon, you will be at peace, don't worry. There will be days when you'll not even think about HIV because you'll be too busy doing other things, like any other normal person.

Work on your exam if possible, do something else (book? movie? go to the park? do puzzles?...) while waiting for your confirmation test/WB test.

you didn't blow anything. You've still got your life ahead of you; only now you'll have to take meds to keep this disease in check. And by the way, as you age going forward into the future, you'll probably have to take even more pills to keep other diseases and illnesses in check. that's just the way it happens to nearly everyone.

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leatherman (aka mIkIE)

All the stars are flashing high above the seaand the party is on fire around you and meWe're gonna burn this disco down before the morning comes- Pet Shop Boys chart from 1992-2015Isentress/Prezcobix

right now i smiled for the first time... but it lasted a few seconds before i realized again... at least i smiled...I canceled my ID apt which was for today since tomorrow I'll meet with the hiv clinic guys and i'll know for sure...

i'm hoping for the best and prepared for the worst... there isn't much i can do at this point... u guys have been incredible from the start... i dont know what I would have done without you all...

Hey Scared2b.. I can relate. I was just diagnosed 2 months ago. I'm still in shock because I never have unprotected sex except for this one time (as a top). It does get better as you learn to accept and to appreciate the fact that we can live a full and healthy life. I've always been very healthy (physically, mentally, and spiritually) which helps. Yah it sucks, and there are major challenges but We are lucky that the treatments are so much better these days and getting even better. Anyway, I'm in my mid 30, a self employed doctor so I can really relate to you. What part of Cali are you in ? I"m in socal so if you want to talk anytime, please let me know. It would probably be good for both of us.

Some keys to living well with HIV include- developing some cool or calm, a distance or a relativity, when fears and emotions about disease are distracting- reference to science and medicine- leaning from common experience with HIV to inform and overcome fears in one's individual exp

It sucks that you got HIV but I think some of the intellectual and character traits you will develop to live well will also help you be a good doctor. For the moment you are far too emotional and irrational and inward looking.

You are young and have a great future ahead of you. Don't forget to count your blessings and breathe!

« Last Edit: August 02, 2011, 10:04:52 AM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

hey guys... yea I have an apt in 4 hours... The first thing I do now each morning instead of what I used to do before is to come on here and check what you guys say... and today I woke up at 5 and no one wrote anything and i was nervous and now i'm glad u guys are back again and writing... makes it so much easier...

it has been exactly one week since the phone conversation and it looks like i'm feeling a bit better... today i woke up with my first morning erection which I haven't had any for a week.. but i didn't do anything still... i'm very upset at myself... i'm not blaming anyone else but myself and even though I know it will get better I just wish that I could turn back time...

i have to get some studying done before i go to the clinic because i have no idea how im gonna feel after... I'm scared for my exam too because I have to do well so whatever happens today happens and i have to wait until after my exam to deal with it... what do u guys think?

so whatever happens today happens and i have to wait until after my exam to deal with it... what do u guys think?

You can certainly put hiv on the back-burner until after your exams. You're not going to suddenly get sick or anything like that. Take it one day - or even one hour - at a time. You really ARE going to be ok!

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

There are plenty of members here who have been not only positive but living with an AIDS diagnosis for 20 to 30 yrs - so I expect you to do the same. Not I'm not trying to minimize the seriousness of having HIV because it's a very serious problem; but as I mentioned before, there are treatments today (and treatments that are thousands of times better than the stuff they used to give us in the early 90s) that practically insure that you'll continue living a "normal" lifespan.

And that means that you're going to need to do well on those exams so you end up with a degree and can get a decent paying job. Try to let go of some of your worrying about the HIV, because you're already being pro-active by getting tested and being in touch with a doctor. Getting the proper healthcare is essential to making sure you survive with HIV.

Good luck on the exams!

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leatherman (aka mIkIE)

All the stars are flashing high above the seaand the party is on fire around you and meWe're gonna burn this disco down before the morning comes- Pet Shop Boys chart from 1992-2015Isentress/Prezcobix

It is so hard to say this but here I am real in flesh and in real life and i'm positive... One week of denial has past too...

I'm still not sure if I got it through sex or through my 12 weeks in trauma surgery with blood everywhere... I guess at this point it doesn't matter... I will try my very best to become a compassionate doctor...

The irony of it is that this virus was discovered the year I was born and my first ID appointment will be exactly on my birthday to meet it... My excitement was that when I become 30 I will get my M.D. but I got my HIV before my MD.

i just wanted to thank all of you angels for being so sweet and supportive for this worst week of my life... I'm surprised at myself and how I was able to pull it off...

some of you have been so supportive and nice and amazing that truly touched my heart... Thank you for caring and being there for me when I needed a kind soul.

When I went to the hiv support center yesterday they were really supportive again... she told me that I even have a lawsuit against the doctor who tested me for hiv without my consent and then told your result over the phone and then didn't want to talk to you when you called him back... And trust me I would like so much to sue him but how and in the mood that I am... He really shouldn't have done those things...

I always test myself annually and donated blood regularly, so this infection has to have been only a few months old and so the lady there called one of the nurses that she knew who works with a great doctor and made an appointment for me and so I'm just waiting for that to happen...to see the doctor and go from there...