Bill Burr Thinks Most People Online Are Evil

Bill has come to the conclusion that 13% of people on the internet are great and 87% are complete jerks.

TranscriptCONAN: Did you watch the Grammys last night?
BILL BURR: No.
CONAN: OK.
That's all the time we've got.
Good night.
BILL BURR: No, Grammys make me feel old.
CONAN: They make you feel old?
BILL BURR: Yeah.
All of the bands that I like are all getting like lifetime achievement awards, you know.
They don't get along with each other.
They go up to accept the award.
Get away from me.
And I don't get deejays.
I don't understand deejays.
Like getting Grammys.
I'm at that age, new music, I don't understand it tofment me it's just a guy playing his iPod with like a mouse head.
[Laughter]
And everybody's losing their minds.
I don't see where the talent is.
They blended the song, man!
Took two songs and blended them.
CONAN: You're not liking that?
BILL BURR: Find two songs of the same tempo, right?
CONAN: I'm convinced --
BILL BURR: Driving down the street on the highway and see another guy going as fast as you.
And you're like, how is he doing it?
[Laughter]
You can go 57 too!
That's incredible!
CONAN: I'm sure -- I'm sure there's more to it then that.
BILL BURR: I know there's more to it.
But these guys sell out.
But I can't tell the difference with that dude with the mouse head and guy you see in like the gap.
You know that sad guy just sitting there deejaying.
Like at target.
[Laughter]
CONAN: Well, I --
BILL BURR: Do you not go to the same malls I go to?
CONAN: Your target is a cut above our target.
LL Cool J, let's talk about him.
He was encouraging fans all night to interact.
I'm guessing you're not going to go along with that idea either of fans interacting.
BILL BURR: That's because L.L. can beat up the internet.
I wouldn't encourage going back be forth with fans.
Would I say 13% on the internet are cool.
The rest are just a bunch of animals.
Why wuent to talk to them?
CONAN: You're saying only 13% of people are --
BILL BURR: Are cool.
The other 87% are writing horrific stuff under Youtube videos.
They're ass holes.
They are.
And I don't know why --
[Applause]
See, these are the 13% that are -- that are cool.
That's why I thought the whole Lance Armstrong that he owed people an apology was hilarious to me tofment who?
CONAN: You don't think Lance Armstrong owes people an apology?
BILL BURR: You know who he owes them too?
The people who came and made the signs?
That decent.
People who go on "wheel of fortune" and get like excited for $400, I will take the brass bed frame, you know.
Those --
CONAN: Those are --
BILL BURR: That still believe in Santa Claus.
But all of the rest, no.
I'm on the road.
I meet them.
They're horrible people.
CONAN: So 87% of America are horrible is what you're say something
BILL BURR: Yeah, no, the world!
CONAN: Not just America.
The entire world.
BILL BURR: I'm not saying I'm not part of the problem.
CONAN: Right.
BILL BURR: I didn't think Lance owed anybody -- he didn't do anything to me.
[Laughter]
You know what he did for me?
He raised did the 500 million for cancer research.
That's what that lie did.
You know what I'm saying?
Anybody had the bands on, everybody the bands.
CONAN: Right.
BILL BURR: That blocked out the sun, right?
[Laughter]
CONAN: It wasn't to block out the sun.
BILL BURR: No one would get cancer.
[Laughter]
Whole thing was annoying.
And I hated out Oprah was interviewing him and acting like she was dumfounded this guy would do this.
She's been in show business 35 years and she can't wrap her head around some guy doing whatever it takes to get to the next level.
Didn't she for the first five years have like midgets who wanted to bang the mailman's boyfriend and she didn't want to do it!
She didn't want to do it but she didn't have the power to say no.
So she wrote -- rode it out and when she could make a good decision, she did a joke.
She stood on the head of the little people for five years until she got -- and then she -- she's sitting there across from this guy.
How could you --
[Laughter]
You know exactly what he's doing!
It's the stupidest thing I have ever seen.
Look, the guy was a sociopath on a bicycle, all right?
It's -- as far as I'm concerned, we got off easy.
CONAN: Yeah.
BILL BURR: In f that guy was working for a corporation, he would have been pouring stuff from the water supply doing God know what's.
Just keep him on the bike.
Go up and down the hill.
He's not hurting anybody.
CONAN: Not hurting anybody.
BILL BURR: He isn't.
The top 20 guys like all tested positive like roids. So I wrote it up, -- our roided-up guy beat your roided-up guy!
And the guy that's run that filthy sport sitting there going, this is absolutely.
This is ridiculous.
He doesn't represent cycling.
Are they going to return all of the money that they made off of that guy?
Are they going to turn in their yachts?
They're not gonna do it.
CONAN: Everyone, turn in your yacht!
[Laughter]
I love the pope retired.
I love it.
CONAN: You like that?
Usually they have to -- they stay until they die and that's it.
BILL BURR: Who would want that job?
Just the pressure.
Like being president's got to be the worse job ever.
Just every day, you know.
Even when you finally get a break somebody comes over to your house, like the greatest oboe player and you have to come downstairs and act like you care.
You have to get all dressed up and sit there --
[Laughter]
That's amazing!
In a second, you make any sort of grimace, they put it in the paper.
CONAN: President Burr was not enjoying the oboe player.
He doesn't like children!
BILL BURR: What is that going to do?
I have never had a TV show, successful one that's actually made it and at that point I realize the genius of it.
CONAN: The genius
BILL BURR: Of not having a TV show.
It's awesome.
CONAN: You keep going around saying 87% of the world sucks, you're not going to get one.
BILL BURR: This is the thing.
CONAN: They're not going to give you one.
BILL BURR: I can say that.
Because there's nothing can you take away from me.
What are you going to do?
Are you going to say I can't do stand-up in strip malls anymore?
That's usually the punishment.
The genius, I got it all worked out.
I want to go on other people's shows.
Like when your buddy owns the boat.
You don't want to be the guy that owns the boat.
Guy that shows up with the 12-pack and high-five.
And when it's over --
CONAN: Bill, bill you're welcome -- you're welcome on our boat any time!