Yesterday was a hard day as a baby entrepreneur. I had two events at my teahouse and no one attended. Add to that, there were hundreds of people roaming around my neighborhood eating ice cream and pan de leche. I heard an entrepreneur say that everyone has some money; the question is why aren’t they spending their money on your product.

This situation and quote make me reflect upon my product. People tell me my problem is location. But I see businesses in “good locations” (center of town) in Ibarra close after a few months. I think it is the packing of my product. I haven’t discovered the way to connect my global mindset to the mindset of Ibarrenos who like their traditions and way of life.

In analyzing the situation, I must find a balance between “global Monique” and “traditional Ibarreños.” I also must rebound quickly from disappointment. Barbara from :Shark Tank” said that how quickly someone recovers from a set back is how successful that person will be in business. I thought about her words as I sat in my teahouse contemplating why life wasn’t bringing folks through the doors of my teahouse.

So I decided to make a video. It wasn’t the best video (Angel and Phillip let me know; love 100% friends), but it was something to keep me moving forward and not get stuck in disappointment. I introduced myself as an English teacher for my English language business, Global English Made Simple (GEMS) without make-up (guess I’m feeling Alicia Keys). Then I made a second video for how to make “Jamaica-me-crazy” cocktail. There aren’t enough tea cocktails videos out (I know hard to believe), so I felt I was actually contributing something to the world.

I felt better after making the videos. I was being productive even if the profits weren’t coming in the present moment. I was investing in my future. I was sticking with my idea in face of setbacks. And from the videos I watch, I know that I must stick with my ideas.

Not many people get this “stick with my idea” situation that I’m presently living. But I also understand that most people don’t want to be a real visionary leader nor do they want to be relevant entrepreneurs. They want that “Korean Dream,” as Jessica puts it– a good job with a good salary working for a good/stable company. Thus, when I see people looking at me in silent confusion, I know they are Korean Dreaming and not my type of fellow entrepreneurs. We need all kinds of folks in the world, so I’m not putting them down; I’m just saying we are different. And it is that difference that is making me rebound quickly and stick with “English Tea” in Ecuador.

I used to want for people to think “I’m nice.” I spent a lot of years not being me because I didn’t want people not to like me. I was angry with myself; thus, I was angry with others. But now, I realize I am what I am, I be who I be, I do what I do, I think what I say, and I live how I want.

I do me.

In this acceptance of self, I also accept and embrace my “Mama California” and my “Global English Made Simple (GEMS)” ideas. And I’m not willing to compromise a lot about my visions. But what exactly are my business visions? What service am I trying to contribute to society to make it better?

Talking with Ecuadorian teachers about my prices for English language services made me really think about who I was creating my business for. One teacher said my writing prices were too high. (i.e., Personal essay = $50) But as a writer, I’m highly sensitive about my writing, and I truly believe this here writing thing is my talent and I have been honing it since Spring 1999 when I realized, as a Bruin sophomore, I wanted to be a writer. I mean, I’ve worked really hard to get my concise writing, grammar, and teaching of writing skills down. Thus, I can’t give it away for free simply because I’m in a small town in Los Andes. (Hell no,when the Internet is connecting me to all of Ecuador.)

And more over, people are paying my fees already and I haven’t even properly launched my GEMS business. People come off the street and pay my editing prices ($15 basic edit); and, let me tell you, they all know their writing pieces sound much better after a visit to Mama California. Writing ain’t easy, and concise writing —look ahere, look ahere, look ahere– is hard as a rock for many, especially when English is not one’s first language.

But what really made me stick with my prices was what a former teaching colleague kept asking, “Who will ask for your help?” So I had to ask self, Who is my client and who do I want my client to be? In answering those questions, I had to reflect on the English students I have taught in the USA, Central America, South America, and Eastern Asia. The students I really want to help are the people who are self-motivated to go beyond their homeland boundaries — mentally and physically– to play with the big dogs in the global arena. They are the people who realize “good enough” is not “good enough” when others are crafting their art, honing their skills, getting the extra help, and over-delivering their services. I want to work with the people who appreciate my standard of work ethics and living. My bro said my problem is that I don’t like working with C-level people; I really only want to work with A-level people and I get angry when people don’t bring their A-game. This is true; this is who I am. Thus, I need to work with other people who believe that and are willing to pay for the quality of help that will get them impacting the world.

And let’s keep it 100. I’m more than just a native speaker; I got a resume. I did go to decent unis. I have taught for more than 10 years in 6 countries. I have present at international conferences and will present at several more this year. I have published articles. I have led teacher training classes.

And I practice what I preach. I got my hair cut today — lord, did it take a long time to organize my hair event; just a trim of the afro. My hairstylist said it was only $5 because she works from her home now. But I knew that wasn’t right. She did a good job and I was leaving happy. I paid her $10 because that is what she deserved at home or in the salon. I could only think, “Know your worth, girl.”

I know my worth and my worth is $50 for a personal essay in Ecuador (probably $100-$200 in the USA/Asia). What other Ecuadorians have told me is that in the big cities– Quito, Cuenca, Guayaquil– they will pay the money because they know the value of good English. So why wouldn’t Ibarrenos know it? In fact, they do know it. People regularly come for tea and cupcakes at Mama California. Once people try my products and understand I am not lowering my prices, they pay it; “they” being the ones who want my Cali flavor, the ones who want to do something non-Ecuadorian, the ones who want to know what life is like outside Los Andes. And as they say, “I’ll take you there.”

I’m a very practical person. Despite my artsy/Cali-hippie/roll-the-dice moments, I follow logic. It makes life easier, and I’m all about that simple life. Thus, me quitting my part-time teaching job is a very non-Monique thing. My decision was in direct response to teaching third-year English majors who did not enjoy my Cali/only-English-in-the-English-class/don’t-give-me-copying-&-pasting-bs teaching style.”English! English! English!” they complained about my class; and some went so far as to blame low test scores directly on my usage of English in the English classroom. (Of course no one wants to take responsbility for not going to office hours, not doing homework and not fully paying attention in class by putting away cellphones/Facebook.) They all agreed that they wanted what they were used to– a bilingual teacher who spoke Spanish in the English classroom.

My decision to remove myself from a place where I was not valued has created a new situation for me. I find myself living completely in faith. And it’s slightly scary.

I mean, no steady income from another person/company/government agency — like WTF?! But I knew two jobs back-to-back where I was disrespected in the office and having ungrateful English students– yeah, time to roll out and lean not on my own understanding. Life has set me up to do me and be my own boss, so I had to jump. And jump I did last week.

And in doing me, I’m boldly creating my vision of what I want my companies to evolve into. This past week — and today– I spoke confidently about what I want to do with my teahouse and my new English language service. Because I listen to motivational videos everyday, I know I must listen to my gut and stick to my vision. I have compromised a lot in my teahouse (selling real food, doing a lot of English things, making paletas/popsicles), but what I’m not going to do is sell coffee in my teahouse now (maybe in the future I will serve international coffee, but now I have to properly introduce “artisanal tea” in coffee land). I’m not going to take a survey of my neighbors to find out what Ecuadorians want from a Californian tea house when I’m the Californian. And I’m not going to take on the money-fear of others who only seek to have a good salary from a job they hate. I need to build wealth and happiness right now. And it’s possible if I stay patient, positive and proactive.

The day after I resigned from my part-time job, I went to the government office to become a legal freelancer in English teaching/editing/writing. Then I heard Steve Harvey talking about jumping and how we must all jump in life to be successful. And I knew I had made the right decision to jump from the safety of a shitty job into the uncertainty of entrepreneurship. I jumped and now I’m learning how to adjust to this new feeling of free-falling. There are no regrets because when you know better you do better.

Sometime during my time at Chatsworth High, way back in the late 1990s, I started understanding that we are just products of our environment. Who one is and who one becomes are aspects of life that are influenced by the people we kick it with, our family, our instructors, the stereotypes of ourselves based on gender/race/ethnicity/nationality, the low expectations of us by others. I studied Sociology at UCLA in part because I enjoyed learning how society impacts the individual; the concepts and ideas that I explored during my four years in Westwood are even more relevant today as I interact with people of diverse backgrounds and backgrounds, in general, that are quite different than my Cali upbringing.

Hence, I am left to ponder, What will be my role in the Ecuadorian community as a Negra-gringa entrepreneur?

This has been particularly challenging for me because my ideas on community were tested this week, and the results proved my Cali-hippie ideas are just that ideas on idealistic living when life is rainbows and butterflies.

It started with the neighborhood kids demanding me for free cupcake samples. Their hands were full of popcorn, chips, popsicles and other items bought at other businesses. Samples are a new idea out here in Caranqui-Ibarra, but the idea is to sample and buy if you like it. But here these kids were starting to feel entitled to a free sample every day with no intentions of buying something from me. Some boldly asked for different samples than I was offering. And often, these children did not say “gracias.” I’m real big on a “thank-you” and “please.”

As a result, I have stopped giving out free samples to all. Samples during my first month was a way to introduce myself to my community. Now that people know that they like my cupcakes and Agua de Jamaica they should be encouraged to purchase the items. I have introduced “mini-cupcakes” for $0.25 to make my cupcakes more accessible to youngsters who have limited funds. I see them eating various items, so I know that they actually do have money and must decide how they spend their money. In a way, I’m helping them to become enlighten consumers.

The second thing that made me question my community role is a female teenager who asked to use my bathroom Friday night. This is the second time she has come for bathroom privileges without purchasing something.

“Are you going to buy something?” I asked.

“No,” she responded.

The Cali-hippie in me allowed her to use it. But this time she stunk up my bathroom. So no more bathroom usage for non-tea consumers. I have only been here for a month, so obvious she has been going somewhere else to use the bathroom, so she can continue to go there and stink up the bathroom.

The last funky community situation was the second “veci” (neighbor) asking to borrow money. The day before, the lady came in and said I had a great personality because I smile and wave to people through my storefront window. She gave me a hug and smiled cheerfully. Then within 24 hours, she returned to ask to borrow money. I told her my personal rule is not to loan out money. Then she sat there saying she didn’t know how she was going to pay for the medicine for her child who was in the hospital. Funny, the other veci who asked for money also had a child in the hospital. I told her that she should ask her family members or friends. I had to suffer through five minutes of poor acting as she was slow to realize I was serious about my no-lending-money policy.

The thing is that both of these vecis have not purchased anything from me. They see a nice tea shop and assume I have money to give away. They are fully aware how new businesses in Ecuador close within three months of opening for lack of funds, but this is not their concern for all they see is a rich gringa. These vecis’ actions are not aspects of community building; it is the weakening of communities.

So now, as I enter my second month of having a business, I know I will stick with my previously determined community involvement activities: Little Free Library featuring free English books, community board to advertise activities & services, reasonable prices of teas & cupcakes, EFL teachers’ events, and allowing people to practice their English skills with me when they purchase something.

Establishing oneself in a new community is challenging, but the rewards of having a strong community on your side is amazing. Thus, these three experiences have taught me to be a balanced entrepreneur– one who gives to the uplifting of the community where his/her business is located, but also has clear boundaries on things that aren’t “community building.”

“The open hand is the blessed hand for it gives and receives.” — Biddy Mason.

i had initially begun writing this post about a month ago, but decided not to post. i was self-censoring as i sometimes do (i know some people think i say everything that’s on my mind, but i don’t always. i have hometraining, some common sense and a high school diploma from LAUSD). but today i received a note from someone who has be following my effort to open a tea house and teach english ecuador. so i thought, wow, someone is actually reading my stuff. like, i know people eye my moves when i post them on FB, but this wordpress thing is just me writing for myself. it’s me keeping my writer dream alive.

this post was originally entitled, “Getting Fired & the niceness that happened on the plantation that fine August day (the edited version).” but somehow this doesn’t fit my mood now. i have truly moved on from yachay and the melodrama bc as i stated prior to being fired, yachay has given me everything i set out to get from it. after my peru conference trip, i was in the “bonus round,” meaning if i were to have received anything else from yachay, it would have been extra.

when something plays itself out, let it play out and move on to the next tune. and my next tunes are called “Mama California” and “Universidad Catolica” and “UK conference presentation” and “turn my swag on.” moving forward means not thinking about how people wronged you in the past. how so-called friends write half-truths about you in “daily journal” blogs or the cowardly manner in which bosses save face by firing people who threaten the throne. it means being “on to the next episode, yeah, yeah.”

i’m at a point where my life is good, not great, but surely not horrible. “i’m feeling myself…i’m feeling myself” but not in that cocky manner; but in a way that says “i’m doing me” and if you don’t like it, that’s cool bc i like myself. it’s too simple and easy to play the victim role in life or the critic who always finds flaws in others’ attempts to live. i much prefer the entrepreneur, conquer, i-am-woman-hear-me-roar role. this is what makes life exciting–working to your full ability. i’m working at about 85% of my potential right now. i can’t wait to reach 90% when i learn how to work “smartly” and make my money work for me.

that day is coming. i see it on the horizon.

“Turn My Swag On”

Soulja Boy tell ’em!
Hopped up out the bed,
Turn my swag on,
Took a look in the mirror said what’s up
Yeah I’m getting money (oh)

From probably the best period in my life — when I quit my sexist job and enjoyed coffee shops, biking, writing & Seoul for three months.

I am as simple as it gets.

I’m a Valley Girl whose family is from the inner city of L.A. I was educated in the public schools of LA and a public university in LA. I struggle to lose the 30lbs I gained from stress eating in Ecuador last time I lived here. No one wants to publish my novels, so I’m dumbfounded on what to do with like 5 novels. I’m single and let me tell you its hard meeting a decent guy that wants a non-Barbie/Beyonce chic who happens to be slightly “ambitious.” I don’t have a PhD (nor do I want one), but I read newspapers and try to speak proper English around “highly educated people.” I talk with the cleaning ladies in my office and the security guards on campus in my horrific-gringo-flavored Spanish. I eat $2.50 meals at small mom-and-pop restaurants in Ecuador. I try to share my knowledge with others bc, as naive and hippy as it may sound, I believe in community and the give-take relationship one has with his/her society.

But lately, I have been sensing a jealousy vibe around me.

And I must ask, What causes jealousy? Surely, it can’t be a Simple Jane like me.

My students have been writing about the cause of happiness for their final essay (this assignment came from the book, not this hippy teacher, lol). There are numerous theories on what causes people to be happy, but one that I think is the most important is self acceptance aka liking self.

I used to have super low self-esteem and not feel good about myself. I used to compare my life with others and always in negative ways. I blamed others for my unhappiness and actively played the victim role. But during the Christmas of 2013, I realized “This Is It!” My 5-year-break-from-life was over and this was the only life I was getting, so I needed to make life work.

It was a year process to arrive to the point where I could say, “I’m happy. I like myself.” This happiness with self that I am experiencing is possible for others if they choose to be happy and love life. Thus, why would someone choose jealousy over creating happiness with self?

I know life is complicated, but my “winning at life” is simple– I work hard. I do the extra work. I stay the extra hour at work. I ask the extra question. I create opportunities for professional growth. I have compassion for others. I watch those motivational videos on YouTube and listen to personal development books while working out. I set goals and create a logical plan to achieve those girls. I think about the bigger picture. I roll the dice in life. And most importantly, I throw myself to the wind and see where life takes me.

Once you decide to go with the flow of life, that flow will lead you to the real happiness, or as the Japanes say “kimochi ii” (the good feeling inside of you). By flowing with life, you will learn how to be happy with yourself, and even better, be happy for others and not jealous of them.

I usually end my class 10 minutes early, which goes against what my boss suggests, but I think I’m at a point where I know what works best for me and mine. As we approached the 10 minute mark today, a student asked if we could do meditation. You see, I’m doing research on meditation and writing. I do a five-minute session and then have my students write. Two classes like it; one doesn’t like it nor singing songs at the start of class (and you know they won’t tell me what they want to do, right?)

I surveyed my four students and realized it was just the one student who wanted to meditate. So we did because you never know what someone is going through and how a five minute restart, recharge can help him or her push on to bigger and better things.

Today, we focused on “joy.” I free styled the session ,but it went well. I could hear him breathing deeply and profoundly. This made me meditate, too. The morning was rough because sometimes I have to deal with people who don’t know how to find joy in one’s self, which leads them to acting out. And this is when the 4 Agreement comes in handy because I must remember “not to take it personal.” Yet it is difficult not to take people yelling at you and making ludicrous claims at you in a personal way. Life is weird at times. The mirrors placed in front of you — I see certain people and I think “you are who I used to be and who I will not be again. You are a reminder, a benchmark, a symbol of the joy I now have.”

After meditating on joy, I asked my student what joyful experience he had thought of. He said when he scored high on the national examine to enter college; then, he added college is hard. We talked a bit about the challenge of college.

In these past few weeks, I have spoken a lot about my days as a Bruin (Go Bruins!). The challenge of being in college and not knowing what is going on and trying to figure social interactions out– college is a blurry memory of a former self. Hopefully, his days at Yachay will be similar in his future– a blur of a man in transition, in transformation.

I have been making progress towards my goal of opening a tea shop in Urcuqui, the neighboring town of Yachay. Although I don’t have a clear plan (and I am a fan of finely crafted details), I make steps forward that are significant to me. For example last week during Carnaval, I spent a great deal of time finding an app to convert hand drawings to digital image and revised my logo for a flier.

This afternoon I got info on wholesale prices and delivery from local tea companies (yes, Ecuador produces tea). This morning I went to look at potential locations for my tea shop, but the guy couldn’t show them to me. Tomorrow I will try again (after trying out the new restaurant in town). Even though I didn’t see a place, I was still happy that I went out in the rain to pursue a lead, which got me closer to my tea goal.

My first poster from when I served matcha at a health fair in Sylmar/L.A.

With so many positive things occurring, I still have to fight the negativity in my mind. When I told a colleague that I wanted to open a tea shop and publish “the next great American novel,” she was extremely discouraging. I mean, she got on one and stayed on one by frequently ripping into my goals as though my public education was truly inferior and hadn’t prepared me to be the contributing citizen of the world that I seek to be. Yeah, she was more than a hater; she was one of those grumpy old men (do you remember that movie?).

The icon made for me during my business course with the City of L.A.

As I go about my tea pursuit, sometimes I hear her negavity, but each time I hear it, I am quicker to check myself (**you better check yo self before you wreck yo self** Ice Cube is one of the hottest MCs ever.) I watched someone on Super Soul Sunday speak about how when things are going well, we have a tendency to think about the negative aspects. So I know replaying my colleague’s negativity is my way of playing up the small doubt that I have about my ability to accomplish my goals. So now I force myself to check the negative energy that I am creating within myself and keep it moving on the tea train express to Urcuqui, hehe.

Teaching myself how to use my finger to draw on my iPad. I need a smart pen asap.

Then this afternoon, I realized my job situation was really shaky, and I was like, I don’t care, I’m giving my tea shop a six month run. That’s when I realized I had found something that I was willing to go for broke, so this tea shop thing must be the real deal (feeling like those Whole Foods/Starbucks/Def Jam guys). I must listen to self because self never steers me wrong.

My Tea Pobladores drawings in honor of the 44 Pobladores who founded L.A.

As my student told me last week: “…sometimes we reduce our vibration because we listen to others and because of some circumstances that we don’t like. But only listen to excellent words that inspire you to do little things that are significant to you, maybe not for everybody around you. I think it will change the world. It’s like another phrase I remember. ‘When you are at the beach, or the sea, and you pick a grain of sand, maybe nobody will know that you did it. But if you did it, the sand won’t be the same.'” As Andre 3000 sang, “vibrate higher…”

I like this design for a small tea spot in a small town. I must start small and build my way up to a tea garden/ case de te.

The new sign that was installed in my home at 11pm. Maybe it was God trying to telling me to quickly exit the negative mindset.

I reread some of my posts from my Up.In.The.Stixs blog and was reminded the end of my first year abroad was rough. I was homesick and counting down the days to go back to the place that I had fled — L.A. But it’s funny, nowadays I remember my Japan years more in a positive light. I think about the cool JETs I met, the cool inaka (countryside) folks that welcomed me to their homes, I think about the friendships I still maintain with people bc of Nankoku/Kochi-ken, I think about wanting to visit again. I think I remember Japan in a better light because my old boss, Ai-san, taught me the importance of “do like a stupid” (aka not taking myself so seriously that I don’t see the joy of living each day in a new place and learning new things.) I also think my tough time in Chile overshadows any rough time I have had abroad and the following 2.5 years in Latin America was a low point in life.

I think about this now because I know so much of life is about our mindset. I was reminded about this after my late night FB post last night. For some reason, I was up late last night. Anyone who knows me, knows I’m an abuelita, going to bed early, like 10pm , sometimes even 9pm. But last night, I was up late, and I was like, “Dude, why am I still up? Did my kundalini yoga give me a new source of energy?” (I attended a class last night.)

Then just as I was finishing watching an episode of “Sirens,” I heard a knock on my door. I didn’t know what to do: answer it this late at night or ignore it? But then I was like, What if it is my neighbor, a single, young American woman? So I answered it.

Maintenance workers wanted to change signs. I was like only in the countryside of Ecuador would someone think it was somewhat ok to change signs inside someone’s home at 11pm. But before I could get angry or annoyed, I shrugged and thought, “I can’t be bothered.” Then I looked at the guys. They didn’t want to be there either; they were just doing their job, and you know, “shit happens,” so 11pm sign changing happens.

The only difference between these signs and the old signs is the capitalization of the letters.

I talked with the boss, because that is what I do now–talk with folks. And he gave me the encouragement I needed. That extra push to stay on my course toward my goal of opening a tea shop (case de te). My colleagues have informed me that I’m “out there,” meaning I put myself out there by making myself vulnerable in the pursuit of accomplishing my goals. And I think this has made the big difference in my persistent state of happiness– stepping out on faith and believing in myself to accomplish my goal with the help of others and God. Some view this as being vulnerable and semi-crazy, but I know this is how I stay happy, maintain my inner peace and resist being depressed. What I’m the proudest of is my ability to quickly change my mindset about the 11pm event. The old Monique would have been quick to complain; but because I am operating from a space in life/a different mindset, I was able to receive an unexpected entrepreneurial push forward.

One door, one exit sign — it’s the new way of living in style.

I’m only able to think positively because I fill my ears with words of encouragement and affirmation. I often wonder how young women feel about themselves since there are no positive, uplifting female rappers and few non-sexualized female celebrities. (I grew up hearing, “Who you calling a bitch? U.N.I.T.Y” and “I’m a woman of the ’90s.”)

What we consume is so important. So choose to consume positivity, love, happiness, possibility, audacity, hope, community progress, compassion– compassion was the quality that took me the longest to understand and use, but it is the main quality that is helping me build a community in Los Andes. #makelifework #staycalm #lovelife

Last Friday night, I sat with a group of female Ecuadorian college students during ceramics class. One talkative woman was thoroughly impressed with my life — an unmarried woman traveling the world alone.

I have never felt my life–me doing me–was something special. I know I have chosen an unconventional lifestyle, especially for a first generation college graduate who felt the pressure to be the MLK dream. But I just wanted to be happy in life and seeing the world, you know using my Soc degree, was something that I knew would make me happy and it did.

While I was unemployed in L.A. last year, I investigated a career in telehealth. The health guy knew one thing instantly about me — I wasn’t the medical professional type; but, he was kind enough to allow me to help him organize his office for a day to earn some cash. After talking with me, he asked, “What do you really want to do?” He said I was unfocused and asked me this question several times. Finally I said, “I’m not unfocused; I’m realistic. My writing hasn’t been produced/published, and I need a real job/career. I will self-publish on the side.”

Instantly he realized I was quitting on my writing dreams, quitting on myself, so he said, “Maybe you just haven’t found your story to tell.”

It stuck me, his words. So I have been thinking for the past few months, What is the story that I should tell? Is it really not my witty tale of an Ecuadorian searching for God after being molested by a priest? Is it really not the tale of two Korean-American expats playing mind games at night in a red light district of Seoul? Is it not the coming-of-age story of a young man finding courage & wisdom from his grandfather’s ghost? These are some of ideas that I had hope would produce the next great American novel; as for now, they keep me afloat in the sea of life.

But listening to that young Ecuadorian lady say that she wanted to follow in my footsteps, and she even gave me thumbs up on a life well traveled, I thought I am encouraging her to live out her vision for her life simply by living my vision for my life. Thus, maybe my story to tell is my story.

Now, I am embarking on writing about my five-year-break-from life. This topic brought me back to my first blog, Up in the STixs. I love the blog’s description (I forgot how free I felt when I first came abroad):

up.in.the.stixs

What do you do when you’re 25, single, and not ready to deal…you move to Nankoku, of course. A year in the life of a JET ALT. ** the stixs – rural/small city areas of japan **

I realized last Friday that my story is a story worthy of telling to help other young females find the courage to follow their inner voices and see the world beyond their parents’ scope. Ojala que escriba la cuenta complete este ano.