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Butterfly - June 21, 2007

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imaged I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open my hands
And watch you rise

She had to do it. She had to. There was no way around it. If she truly loved him, then she had to let him go. She had to let him grow. Become the man he was meant to be. If he truly loved her, then one day he would return. It was this part that scared her. Terrified her. She had never felt this way about anyone before. She had never given so much of herself. So much of her heart so quickly and thoroughly. But with him she had. With him she was a different person. He unleashed a part of her that she had forgotten existed. This unexpected love that had found her had made her whole and now she was going to give it up. What if she didn't do for him what he did to her? What if outside of these doors was a woman who would woo him and capture his soul in a way she hadn't or ever could? What would that mean for her?

She was a tough broad. She had been through a lot, seen a lot, done a lot, but she wasn't sure she would recover if he never came back to her. Yes, she knew she would survive but she knew she would never be the same. He had touched the depths of her soul. How could you move on from that? Why would you want to? But she had never been one to do things halfway and she always needed to know the truth, which was ironic since she excelled at keeping those around her guessing. Though strangely, not with him. With him she always spoke the truth. And in order to be convinced that she wasn't stifling him or keeping him from being all he needed or wanted to be, she had to let him go and he had to go.

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

Being the outstanding man she knew him to be, he had followed her wishes and left. She had seen the tears he had tried to hide. They almost broke her. Almost. But she remained strong. She even drove him to the airport and saw him off. Off to places and adventures that didn't include her. For the first time in a year, they wouldn't be together. Why did that idea terrify her? She had been with other lovers for a lot longer than she had been with him, yet being away from them didn't do what being away from him did to her.

She wasn't going to lie. The first night she thought she would die. To lie in the bed where they had made love, had sex, screwed- - her tears had drenched her satin pillowcases and sheets. It was only the force of her sheer-willpower that she had been able to get up the next morning and pretend everything was all right. When her family and friends asked about him, she nonchalantly said they had decided to go their separate ways. Those who knew her well, tried to get past her façade, tried to dig deeper, but she wouldn't let them. As much as it was paining her, she knew in her heart that she had made the right decision. The right decision for the both of them, unfortunately that was a cold comfort in the still of the night.

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land

The memories, the scent, assaulted her every time she
walked into her master bedroom so instead of living with
that torture she moved into a guest bedroom that hadn't been christened because she had been remodeling it. But even there she wasn’t safe. Instead of remembering every touch, every kiss, every sensuous caress, she was now overcome with memories of how it all began.

She had been enjoying a solitary day at sea. She had needed some time away from the office, from family, from friends, she just wanted some me time. As she dropped the anchor, her eyes had strayed over to a nearby boat and her eyes almost popped out of her head at what she saw. The most drop dead gorgeous man she had ever laid eyes on was pulling off his shirt as his cut-off shorts hung dangerously low on his hips. And then to add fuel to the fire, he proceeded to rub sunscreen all over his chest and arms. He was eye candy. Tasty, finger-lickin' good eye candy and she had a first row seat. When he bent over to get his legs, he gave her a view of a butt that was out of sight. He was working those shorts. As he dived into the water, he winked at her. She had been had. A smile lit her face as he hit the water. If he wanted to play, she could play.

While she knew she wasn't as put together and as young as the women he was used to, she did know how to accentuate the positives, play up her best features. Feeling his eyes on her, she slowly removed her cover-up, dropping it on the deck and then easing herself into a lounge chair as she oiled herself down. Making sure that her long legs appeared even longer. She hadn't expected a day like this one, but man was she enjoying it.

The dark-haired woman smiled as she reminisced; that day they had gone back and forth until finally he had disappeared. She had been mildly disappointed, despite herself. As she was dozing off, she felt something cold dripping on her and before she could respond her mouth was taken hostage in the most deep and erotic kiss that she had ever experienced. He had taken her on the lounge chair, branding her his for all the world to see. What a strange feeling it had been to sail home with him following her, not knowing his name, or anything about him, yet knowing that they would never make it to her bedroom before they had each other again. Based on the looks she felt him giving her, she was pretty sure her CL55 was going to be a rockin'.

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

They had been inseparable from the moment he walked into her home. It wasn't until the next morning when they had learned each other's names. As time past, she was pleasantly surprised to discover they had things in common outside of the bedroom. Her loved ones raised an eyebrow at the age difference. They were also concerned he was after something. But what could he be after? He had money in his own right that he was choosing not to access at this time. Well, that wasn't completely true.

She had made the mistake after a delicious meal to hand her credit card to the waiter. His face had quickly infused with heat and in a curt tone he had handed her her credit card back and paid for their meal in cash. As soon as the waiter left the table, he had informed her unabashedly that while he enjoyed her being on top and loved that she initiated their lovemaking on occasion, he was the man in the relationship and he took care of his woman.

The tone of his voice, the look in his eyes, the words that he spoke had gotten her hot. How long had it had been since a man had spoken to her in that way? Had possessed her in such a way? She had never made the mistake again. And had spent endless hours apologizing for her error. What enjoyable, endless hours they had been. Those hours came after she was shown who the boss in their relationship was.

He became her unofficial business partner, helping in the office, giving advisce where needed and where he had expertise, he sat in on meetings. She had never had a partner that was so fully there for her or so in sync with her. Her family saw a sharp decrease on her help in their personal lives and in her schemes. She felt complete. She was happier than she had ever been which surprised her because she had been in some relationships where she
thought she had reached the pinnacle of happiness. But they were nothing compared to the ecstasy she felt when she was with him. Still with these feelings, she had let the doubt creep in.

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't over flowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way it feels to fly

She had dated younger men before. Some for the fun, some for the sex, some just for the pleasure of looking at a toned, tanned, "I could bounce a quarter off those abs" body, and some because she truly cared for them. But none of them held a candle to him. And somewhere along the line, she started thinking about all the things he hadn't truly experienced. He hadn't had a nice long love affair or marriage, like she had had. His two quickie weddings didn't count. He hadn't had the joy of watching his child being born and raising him or her. She never voiced her concerns to him though they weighed heavily on her mind. The longer the ideas circulated in her head, the more she realized she wasn't being fair to him. How could she deny him the pleasures and joys she had experienced, but he had yet to? And who was she to deny him? She knew if she had said anything to him, he would have disagreed with her.

She had never been quite sure what put her over the edge, but one night as she watched him sleep she knew. She knew he had to go. He had to see what life had to offer him. The next morning over breakfast she had told him that it was over. Time for reality to begin again. She had been unsure of how he would react. The dominating part of him wanted to rage against her words, her decision. Yet the part that adored her and wanted to make her happy would acquiesce to her wishes. She wasn't sure how long he had stared into her eyes, but she knew he had seen past her act and straight into the heart of the matter.

He had nodded and rose from the table. She had thought he
was going to leave when he cleared the dining room table, sending their breakfasts, drinks, silverware crashing to the floor. He had thrown her on the table and reminded her of all she was giving up. When she was bone-weary and thoroughly reminded, he had packed his bags and headed for the door. Thank goodness she had had enough strength to stop him. She never would have called herself a masochist, but driving him to the airport had her straddling the line. Watching the plane leave had pushed her over the line. The romance of her life that had started so abruptly ended the same.

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun

The constant, musical ring of the doorbell awakened her from a deep sleep. If this wasn't Kelly, Blair, Cassie, Starr, or Adriana at the door dying, then she was going to kill whoever was at her front door at three o'clock in the morning. Opening the door ready to give her unwanted a visitor a piece of her mind, she froze. She was astounded.

"Hi, we're home," he said, standing on her doorstep with an infant in his arms. He had imagined this a million different ways in his mind, but her being completely speechless wasn't one of them. He didn't know if he had ever seen her so quiet or still for so long, even in her sleep she was moving and saying things. Except for when she was lying in his arms after he had loved every single spot on her dynamite body. "I'm sorry I was gone longer than I expected."

Twenty-two months. He had been gone twenty-two months and he was apologizing. He had had a baby with another woman. And there was no question the little girl in pink was his because she was an exact feminine replica of him.

"Guilt kept me away."

Guilt? What guilt could he possibly be suffering from other than cheating on her? But it wasn't cheating, was it? She had told him to leave. She had ended things which meant he was free to do as he wished. Just because she had been celibate for nearly two years, didn't mean he was obligated to do the same.

"She loved me. She said I was her one. She was hit by a drunk driver and I held her hand as the life bled out of her and she looked at me like I put the moon and the stars in place. I stared into her dying eyes and I knew I was her whole world. Me. Not the baby. Me. And when she took her last breath saying she loved me. The guilt- -" He closed his eyes remembering her final moments. "The guilt consumed me. It threatened to eat me alive. I left my family, friends, hometown behind. We've been nomads while I tried to outrun the guilt. The knowledge. Trying to live with the fact that while I was her one, she wasn't mine. The woman whom I loved more than life itself wasn't her, but you. The woman who gave birth to my daughter wasn't the woman I wanted my daughter to call mother. I secretly jumped for joy when I saw my baby and she bared no trace of her because then I could pretend she was ours. I held that woman's hand and told her I loved her and I knew- - I knew she thought I meant I was in love with her, but I wasn't. I never had been. This kind human being who had the misfortune of being in the bar when I had a dozen too many died never knowing what it was like to share a tenth of the passion we shared." With unshed tears in his eyes, he looked into her eyes. "I woke up the other morning and realized I wasn't honoring her memory by running, so instead I went to her grave and apologized for not giving her- - not being who she needed me to be. And I pray she forgives. These past thirty-six hours all I've thought and focused on was getting us here in one piece. Because I didn't want to close my eyes again without the feel of you in my arms. Without the smell of you filling my nose as I slept. I love you, Princess. And you are never, never getting rid of me, of us, ever again." And as if on cue, the infant opened her hand to reveal a solitaire diamond ring. "Marry us and be our home."

She didn't care that tears washed her face. She didn't have one single care in the world as she wrapped her arms around him and inhaled. Home. He smelled like home. Because he was her home as she was his. "Well, how can I give you an answer when I don't even know what this gorgeous little girl's name is?"

"Addie Melinda, this is your momma."

He named his daughter after her sisters?

"Mindy thinks the Melinda part is after her, but we know the truth."

Could she possibly love this man more? Looking into her eyes, she saw a man who had fought a long hard battle and had come out a victor yet a changed man also. "Addie Melinda Lewis- -"