184: Arnold

“I am running for Governor of Collyfourneeeya because da politicians aren’t doing da moves for da peeeple so much anymore”.

– Arnold Schwarzenegger-

I have frankly been dying to write about Arnold for a good week now. However, for the past seven days, we have been on vacation. Actually, I wasn’t technically off, I was on the call of the chair. That means the Speaker of the House can call us back in if there is a budget deal to vote on.

Two weeks ago, we were on 8 hour call of the chair, and I was fairly relaxed. However, this weekend we were put on 6 hour call of the chair! I assume this represents progress in the budget negotiations, but it made my crazy with anxiety. If we were placed on 4 hour call of the chair, I would have needed a sedative. I’ve heard the legend that once members were put on 3 hour call of the chair, and many of them were so angst-ridden they set their own hair on fire. This wasn’t as drastic as it sounds, as most members keep their hair on a stand by their bed.

Fortunately, I arrived back today, just in time to cover Arnold’s first live press conference. I was looking forward to this because up until now, Arnold has spoken exclusively in meaningless platitudes. His public comments were so mindless and vapid, that he made George W. Bush look…well…still really, really stupid. Ok, bad example. In any event, here is the complete transcript of the first Arnold Press Conference!!!

Arnold
Good Aftahnoon! I have a brief statement to make before I answer da Quavestions you tell to me. I am running for governor of Collyforneeya because I am for da peeeple. I am not for da special interests or anyting. I love all da peeeple. Hasta Lavista Baby! I’ll be back. I lift big weight.
First Qavestion.

New York Times
Mr. Schwarzenegger, what steps do you feel California has
to take to reestablish the credibility of its bond issues?

Pause

Arnold
I vant to pump up Collyfourneeeya because I love da peeeple and I am for da peeeple.

Washington Post
Sir, you always say you are for the people. What are you against?

Arnold
I am against anything that is not for da peeeple. As my hero, Kurt Waldheim said, “be for da peeeple.” I love peeeple. I need Peeeple. Peeeple who need peeeple are da luckiest peeeple in da vorld.

Sacramento Bee
Mr. Schwarzenegger, what would you say is the biggest problem California faces.

Arnold
Panzy-men.

Sacramento Bee
Panzy-men?

Arnold
Das right, Panzy-men who have da weak bench press and the jelly abs. I don’t like dem and neither do the peeeple of Collyfourneeeya.

National Enquirer
Arnold, is J-Lo carrying Alan Greenspan’s baby?

Arnold
Yes, I tink so.

San Francisco Chronicle
Arnold, who would you say is your natural constituency?

San Francisco Chronicle
But sir, isn’t politics about choices? I mean, Republicans and Democrats disagree on many things. Who will you stand with when there is that disagreement?

Arnold
Where dere is disagreement, I will stand with da peeeple.

San Francisco Chronicle
Oh Christ!

Arnold
I will be on the side of men and vomen, cowboys and Indians, Hatfields and McCoys, Eskimos, and those who want to do nothing but slaughter the Eskimos, I will stand with uhl of dem for a better Collyfourneeeya.

And so it went. If there weren’t real lives at stake, there would be a lot of entertainment value in electing Schwarzenegger governor. Of course, there would be a lot of entertainment value to electing JJ “Dynomite!!” Walker as King of France. But sometimes, even really good entertainment just isn’t worth it.