How to Replace a Toilet

Eventually, your toilet will go to shit, so to speak.

On the good side, putting in a new one is a simple job, thanks to the modern miracles of compression fittings and standardized measurements. Phase one: Remove old toilet. Shut off the intake valve--the egg-shaped faucet beneath the left side of the tank--and then flush a few times until most of the water is emptied out. Use a sponge to sop up whatever's left. Uncouple the supply line above the valve. Once the tank is dry, find the two bolts that hold it to the bowl, unscrew them, and lift off the tank. Next, unscrew the bolts holding the bowl to the floor. If they're rusted (and they likely will be; don't fixate on why), spray them with WD-40. Remove throne. That gunky circle on the floor at the top of your drainpipe is only wax. Do not fear it. Scrape it away with a putty knife, and scrub the flange--the fitting under the wax--with a brush and some disinfectant. Then stuff a rag in the hole, because it will smell like an open sewer, which, basically, it is.

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Phase two: Install new toilet. Turn the bowl over, and drop a fresh wax ring over the opening. Take the rag out of the drain, position the bowl over the bolts sticking up from the flange, and push down. Rock the toilet a bit to seal the wax, put washers over the floor bolts, and snug the nuts. (Don't overtighten; porcelain is prone to cracking.) To install the tank, fit the rubber gasket (it should have been included when you bought the toilet) over the horn at the bottom, then rest that into the opening in the back of the bowl. Wiggle the tank around until the small holes in the bottom line up with matching holes in the bowl unit. Put a rubber washer and a bolt through the tank, and attach the nuts from the bottom. Then cut a piece of supply pipe--it's sold in the toilet section at Home Depot--to fit between the valve and the tank, and attach it with the compression fittings at each end. Open the valve. Finally, put on a new seat. Then grab the sports section and celebrate.