Living with anxiety

Writing – My outlet

I have wished more times than i can count that i was normal. I don’t write for sympathy. I don’t write because it’s stylish to have a mental illness. I don’t write because i want to embarrass people i love. I write because writing is a positive focus and a healthy outlet.

I write because i enjoy writing, and when my brain is whirring along, not giving me a seconds peace. When everything seems inconceivably daunting, and entirely unmanageable. When i feel like giving up, and the tears start falling, tumbling over the dam I’ve built, overflowing. When i have nowhere to turn, i write.

This is why i liked your post! I really related to it. Ive wanted to start a blog for so, so long but ive been scared or unsure as to what to write. But i finally decided to just write what i feel and being unapologetic when i do so. If it helps me i dont much care what others think anymore:)

If you don’t mind me asking, what’s your ideal of normal? Mine is if I could just *not* have so much anxiety. I know and understand that millions of people have anxiety like me but may not cope with it the same ways I do, but often it’s hard for me to see that in real life because I feel like it’s not a topic people just casually talk about in regular conversation unless it’s a support group or something.

I honestly would just like to go out and not worry. And spend time with people. I do now spend more time with people now than i ever have. I used to never leave the house because the fear of something awful happening would outweigh my desire to go out. But if say normal would be not feeling like i “ruin” days out. I say that because im sure other people dont feel i am ruining it. But i feel i am, i feel im annoying them and embarrassing them as soon as any sign of my anxiety flares up publicly. But the biggest thing i would love is to be able to uphold friendships and relationships. My anxiety just destroys any chance of that. It just gets so stressful always thinking people will leave always wondering what youve done wrong. So basically i just wish i could enjoy life and do things others take for granted, without a second thought,without days or weeks of planning for the smallest thing. Sorry if that was a lot to read.

I used to have a hard time leaving the house too for similar reasons, in addition to having anxiety about leaving a pet at home and worrying about what could go wrong while I was away. I get what you mean by being afraid of ruining things for people when your anxiety flares up. That’s a struggle I am going through as well… I see that I tend to feel iffy about family outings if I know there’s going to be a situation where I might get anxious or potentially not enjoy myself as much because I’m on guard wanting for my anxiety to ruin it.

Thats precisely how i feel! I push my safety barriers a lot more now. Like the other day i got on a train with a family member and it was horrific. The journey itself i could manage, but as soon as i got off i started worrying incase we got lost, because i couldnt find a bathroom, because of the amount of people, i hate queuing… it stressing me out hugely… all of this made me literally want to run. I felt like i was losing it like my grip on reality was loosening and logic had all but dissapeared. I felt like such an embarrasment. Not only that but we were there for an important reason and i just felt i was making it about me. But luckily, after being there after i pushed through i was okay. Its odd that if i can prove to myself i can do it i feel a little less panicky. And i even treated myself to some shopping almost like a reward for somehow managing to survive.

Good for you for sticking through it. 🙂 Anxiey is tough, especially how it can trick a person into believing the only solution in the situation is to run from what is scary. That’s a feeling I know all too well and sometimes I still fall for it even though I know I will feel worse about myself if I continually avoid something. One thing that I find helpful when I get the “I need to run now!” feeling is to think about the past times I faced a situation and it didn’t turn out as badly as I imagined it would go.

When I healed the first time, I started my blog to fill in the voids I faced. It was a little altruistic and time consuming. Healing opened up lots of free time that I was spending thinking, worrying and doubting.

A funny thing happened, my writing did more for me than the intended audience

The next thing that happens was a deeper understanding of my journey and how to share it with others.

I was very needed when I first started my blog

I was scared of maybe no one would read my posts. Criticism and judgment had to be accepted for me to enjoy a blog

Ive found people on here to be very supportive. Ive also found that in just a few short days im already throwing myself into this blog. I have a lot of stuff that im trying to avoid and i know thats awful but this blog is great for that. I can’t quite face these things yet but this is allowing me a way to survive while all these thoughts are circling my head. By the way you write really well. I like how you worded you last post.

I was the oppposite i couldnt grasp science but i thrived in english. I went on to study english literature too. I couldnt get enough of it. I find writing to just come easily to me. Other things i struggle with but this is the one place i feel at home.