Civil servants who were supposed to be administering the government's much-criticised farm subsidies system have been taking part in 'depraved' office pranks such as leaping naked from filing cabinets.

The beleaguered Rural Payments Agency has begun an investigation into the behaviour of its staff at its Newcastle office, which allegedly included leaving cups of vomit in cupboards, taking drugs, having sex in toilets and holding break-dancing competitions during office hours.

The Rural Payments Agency was previously called the Intervention Board for Agricultural Produce, and was based at premises in Reading where bored civil servants would spend their working days doing anything to avoid the chore of actual work. One particular favourite was chatting up that nice girl in Beef Stats, then marrying her.

The Intervention Board for Agricultural Produce were foolish enough to employ both myself and the charming Mrs Duck during the late 1980s, not to mention virtually every single unemployable misfit that the town of Reading had to offer at the time. In fact, such was the criticism of the entire establishment, it actually moved to Newcastle and change its name in a doomed attempt to escape the shame. Unfortunately, many of the staff took up the offer to relocate, and by the sound of things, they're still there.

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