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Who’s the Boss of Sex?

I love kissing my husband. I’d do it a lot more if he didn’t think that every time I kiss him I’m wanting sex. And though I’ve explained this concept to him many times in our nearly 29 years together, it’s something he just doesn’t seem to comprehend, regardless of his keen intellect. It must be a “man thing.”

The next words out of my mouth were going to be, “Believe me, if I want sex I’ll let you know!” when it dawned on me—“Who died and made me the boss of when we have sex?” That question led to this post—a bit controversial, perhaps, because it’s about that s-e-x word, but there it is!

Making love sets your relationship with your husband apart from every other relationship. It’s the one thing you do together that nobody else has! As such, it’s a special expression of your love, respect, and God-given earthly passion. This connection is vital to the way we react to each other overall. Its tenderness is a physical manifestation of the love you have for each other.

In most of the couples counseling we’ve done, we’ve noticed a trend that the wife is usually the one who calls the shots regarding the frequency of sex—she controls how often her husband “gets” to have sex! Because of that, more husbands are feeling deprived at a time when nearly everything in this world entices them to stray—in their thoughts, if not in reality.

As long as both partners enjoy their sexual relationship to the same degree, there’s usually no problem. They are each other’s object of desire and rest fulfilled in the intimacy they share. The problem occurs when the wife doesn’t feel that way and begins to refuse sex for many reasons:

Exhaustion.

Headache or other malady.

Too busy.

A diminished libido.

Resentment has erased her desire for intimacy.

And the list goes on and on.

So I’m not really speaking here to the ones who have no problem with this. I’m addressing the ones who do—and may or may not realize it.

Don’t get me wrong, ladies. I know your husband’s timing can stink sometimes. At those times, you just want to say, “Now? Seriously?”

Yet, we marry men. We don’t marry little boys needing correction. And we want our men to be . . . well, men! Do we really want men who allow us to completely determine the frequency of their sex life? Do we want them that domesticated?

Most of the time, both parties are “in the mood for love.” But let’s face it, ladies. Depending upon what’s going on in each of our lives, it could be weeks between lovemaking if we had sex only when we were in the mood. Is that fair to our husbands? And is that our role in the eyes of the Lord? Are we to dole out sex to our husbands as we see fit?

I Corinthians 7:1-5 speaks clearly to this issue. “Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: ‘It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.’ But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control,” (emphasis added).

What? Am I saying sometimes you might need to have sex with your husband even if you’re not in the mood? Yes! I’ve actually had sex when I’ve not felt 100% well, when I’ve had a headache, when I’ve had something else I’d rather do, when I’m not in the mood, and when I’m exhausted. That’s not because my husband is insensitive—he is very sensitive to me. It’s because I cared more about his needs than my own. And it didn’t kill me. How about that? But you know what it did do? It honored my husband, and therefore, honored God.

Not that I’m the standard, by any means. I’m imperfect. My attitude in the first paragraph demonstrates that. But I do love my husband and I’m an advocate for other women to examine their own attitudes and behaviors to see if they may have a wee problem in this area.

Before the hate mail starts coming in from wives everywhere, and thank you cards by the thousands from their husbands, let me end by clarifying it this way. In an ideal world, we would both be equally motivated to have sex every time. But we don’t live in an ideal world. Sometimes one or the other of us may be called upon to do something because we care more about our spouse’s needs than our own. Imagine that!

It’s true that the husband needs to be considerate of his wife in regard to his desires. But ladies, we must not emasculate our husbands by taking away their rights and forcing them to repress their desires. Love seeks to please. We understand this for the first six months of marriage. Let us remember it for the rest of it, as well.