Readers weigh in about abusive ex

Joe Dill Published: September 19, 2006 12:00 AM

DEAR AMY: I am a recently divorced woman with a 5-year-old daughter.My ex-husband has regular visitation with our daughter and is helping to raise her.The marriage did not work out because he was verbally and physically abusive. The last thing I want to do is see him or talk to him, but I am forced to because of our daughter.The problems we have in communicating to each other now are the same problems that were there while we were together.He talks over me and interrupts me when I am speaking, and he dismisses my questions and concerns.He is a verbal bully.How can I communicate with my ex-husband without feeling as if I just went to war? Verbally ExhaustedDEAR EXHAUSTED: Im wondering if your daughter is safe being partly raised by someone who is verbally and physically abusive. Obviously, you assume that he is able to be a good father, but I would emphasize that even witnessing verbal and physical abuse puts your daughter at risk.You and your ex would benefit from counseling and perhaps parenting classes.I realize that at this point you probably think that couples counseling is quite beside the point, but thoughtful counseling and mediation will help both of you to develop and maintain a cordial relationship. If he wont attend, then you should go anyway.Your ex needs to learn more appropriate ways of expressing his thoughts and feelings; you could be taught techniques for recognizing and defusing tension.Most communities have agencies and organizations devoted to the betterment of families. Your local department of social services could hook you up with family counseling.DEAR AMY: I am very proud of my 30-year-old son. Unfortunately, he has developed a serious relationship with a single mother with whom I have a problem.This mother, who is unable to bear more children, is leaving her only young child in the care of her ex-husband and moving two states away to live with my son. My mother abandoned me when I was a young child, and I find it extremely difficult to deal with the fact that my son is serious with a young woman who is abandoning her child.I am totally unnerved by this and unable to deal with this woman. I dont want to ruin a good relationship with my son, but I need some tips on how to deal with this emotional issue.Do you have some thoughts as to how I might be able to learn to deal with this? Deeply SaddenedDEAR SADDENED: It isnt always a good idea to speak ones mind especially when it comes to commenting on someone elses choice of partner. But in this case, I think that it would be helpful to everyone if you had your say without making any sweeping negative statements (i.e., I never want to have anything to do with that woman.)You dont say whether you have met your sons girlfriend, but you should make a point of meeting her. Be as neutral and nonjudgmental as you can be during this meeting.After meeting her, you should write down your reactions, focusing on your own experience and feelings. Remember that nothing you say will change what this woman has done. Give yourself several days before you send this letter to your son alienating him will not be good for any of you.Writer Judith Viorst offers a lot of wisdom for people dealing with questions of loss, sadness and acceptance. You would benefit from reading her book Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow (1998, Free Press).DEAR AMY: Your advice to Hurt in Md. was on the money.Over the years, Ive had the opportunity to reconnect with men Ive had relationships with in the very distant past.Although I am always delighted to see them, a red flag goes up when I find out that their wives dont know that weve been in touch or gotten together for lunch or a drink.They are surprised to learn that my husband always knows whom Im meeting and where.If they dont want their wives to know that they are in touch with an old flame, then I believe that they are up to no good.I do believe that old lovers can make wonderful friends for life, and I encourage my husband to keep up with one of his ex-girlfriends. Im not jealous of her there is a reason she is the ex. Happy in Md.DEAR HAPPY: I have heard from many people on both sides of the ex issue and will run more letters in future columns.n Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.