My next door neighbour who was 49, living still with his parents, just dropped dead from a massive stroke, brain bleed. It was the best way to die, no pain, one minute he’s eating McDonald’s and talking then boom! He falls dead. I saw him earlier at the ice cream truck. He had gained quite a bit of weight, lying around after he got home from prison after beating his girlfriend. He always fought with his parents, the house is silent now. The mass was yesterday at the same church I grew up and was tortured in. I was fine… Sorta. The missing statues hurt and all the gold is gone!!!! Only the painting of St.Philip Neri remains. The mass was in Spanish but I easily followed. My roommate, the evangelists went. I went to communion. He freaked when we got home. Called me names, said I was still catholic and going to hell. He said it was in me. I cried when they played one of my old favourite songs. It was a shock. And yes it’s a catholic song from 70’s. My time in high school. And I was shocked they allowed a mass because he was cremated. I was baptised and received communion and confirmation. Never married in the eyes of the church. The church has been Hispanic converted. No more English masses. It’s similar to Latin but not the same. Here in Lynwood, Calif. I don’t remember it being so tiny!!!!! It was a reminder when us kids all had to attend a funeral as part of class. It was awful! I have a hate/love relationship with that place.

I can tell you the exact moment I knew. I held on to my belif in Santa until I was 16! I refused to believe I had been lied to. I never met any poor kids so I believed that he was there for us all. Like a god he could stop time. I always got what I asked for! My mum even reinforced my belief at age 12, I was being made fun of as usual but at Christmas I held my belief! But at 16, I had done research at the library…. Was having doubts…. Now I was in shock. I believed in a lie most of my life. Was Jesus real? That would be my next question for the remainder of my life. I want to keep believing. The internet says he’s real and not real. It’s opinion. Santa as father Christmas was real. But he was a bishop. Just a man. He wore green. Coca cola made the red suit possible. It still hurts. My proof was “yes, Virginia, there is a santa Claus! The newspaper “The Sun”, first example of fake news. My heart broke then when I found out the truth. It’s still sore.

We are all of God. God was alone. We are one. I am you and you are me. We are the same person. Just split for a time. We are supposed to find love and comfort in these other aspects of our self but in truth it’s all me, all you. Alone since forever. I tried to make others to make a world. But the evil always prevails. I am not evil. I won’t subscribe to that even after billions of years of watching my creations kill and maim. I am still alone after all. #God #selfrealisation #alone #create #life

They sold out. Before, 2-3 years ago, my shower broke. The salvation army let you shower for 2dollars, so no problem. Now my shower is broke, and I called and they don’t help Americans in Compton anymore take showers. Instead they rent the gym and shower to the overcrowded school because of illegals, I can’t shower. Mexicans get more than us, again. Nothing has changed.

I don’t know if I am depressed or anxiety. The tranquilizers work and I refuse to take an antidepressant anyway. But I hate living like this.I talk to people and no connection. They are suddenly so boring and stupid. I want to talk to someone smart. I don’t want to dumb down myself. I think I really am dying. I haven’t eaten. Why is it taking so long? I am worthless. I can’t pay my taxes and I will be homeless if I don’t die and no one reads my blog so I will be alone in the streets or dead soon. So hungry. So cold. No heat this year.I have lied to all my social media friends I am going to be homeless and my cats too. I live in a hovel that’s falling apart. No food not even a cookie. I can’t keep stock food even if I could afford real food because the moths would eat it up. In one month my maltomeal was full of worms. I just want to live like a real white person once before I die.

Every celeb I’ve managed to make friends with, ends up un following me or blocking the. Back in 2013 I had celeb fever. I got my feelings hurt, over and over. But finally in 2016 a friend from England who is a gardener, and a better person than any celeb, gave me advice. They are people. However fame changes everyone. When you become famous you forget about everything but yourself. It may feel good to be the Center of attention but then why do so many turn to drugs and just give up? It’s a brutal world with it’s own set of rules. A club that us regular folk are not privy to. We have each other, he pointed out to me. I am also friends with his lovely wife, and they are the happiest couple I’ve met on social media. I vow to never be follower of celeb just because of who they are. I joined a dating site. I am actually getting men to respond, it’s local so many Hispanics and blacks. But there actually are men who are looking for a woman my age to spoil, lots of money. I am tempted. But only if I can’t raise the money to pay my bills. He’s cute but personality counts and hey! Maybe he’s lying. Remember if it looks to good to be true it probably is.

I was a liberal. Was. I grew up in Compton and all my friends were black. I felt I was black too. They accepted me. And also introduced me to drugs and crime. It was my choice. I felt guilty for being white. I had to be with a black man which I drew the line there. Til I saw the kids. Then I decided I would have a biracial kid. They were perfect! Tan skin, only half of them had bad hair. Sadly my daughter got the bad hair but perfect skin. The father? You know what they say. The most confusing day in black history is fathers day. It’s true. I wish now I had white friends. Real life friends not social media friends. I have no friends now. All my black friends moved when the Mexicans came. I want a real white friend before I die. Someone intelligent. I found one of my old school friends. She’s black of course and smart!!! Why didn’t I know her as an adult???? I was taught by my adult black friends, take what you want, get welfare, cheat. This girl ignores me. She’s to good for me now. Her sister must be a genius too. She won’t be my friend at all on FB. Why didn’t I have rich black friends? My last black neighbour I hate talking to her! She is illiterate and speaks geechee. Drives me nuts she’s so stupid. Oh she hustles. Gets free everything!! Makes sure she gets one grandchild to raise to keep the checks coming! God I hate this lifestyle. It’s so unfair. I want to start over. Not sin. Only hang with intelligent people. But no. I am ruined. I deserve death. I would kill myself but I will go to hell for sure. Waaaaaaaa!!!!;!;

I woke up after 3 hours. Stupid benadryl. Stupid bladder. All day no pee. But at night as I sleep it makes pee every 2-3 hours. And it hurts so much when I wake. Takes a hour to sleep again. But today is medicine day and they want pee. I’m never dirty. Wish I could just bring it in. But they check the temperature. Clean for 18 years. And they know I take it for pain now. I’m on methadone, 25+ years. I wake up drink it and in an hour have no more pain. But I read the Nazis invented it. I didn’t know that it was a torture drug. If you Dont have it you scream in 10× the pain and puke and scream. It’s hell. I would rather be in a coma. Saved some of it for this morning. It’s freezing. I drank the low dose so I can drink coffee to pee. Forgive me God. Please don’t make me suffer. Isn’t that why you died? So we wouldn’t suffer too? I’m waiting. I’m young. Only 59. You are ageless. So old. So full of wisdom. I ruined my life. This hell I am in. I have no food. No money. I’m a drain on society. I’m almost deaf and blind. Maybe they should have killed all us imperfect beings at birth. We Dont deserve to live. I want a time machine.

Shit. Got my check. Kept track of every penny spent so far. I noticed I kept track and my roommate got about 25$ food then gave me 20$ toward new microwave and now he refuses to allow me to use it yet. He says if it goes indoors it will break. I break things. Never mind everything I had broke was old, worn out, it broke on me so…… He loves telling me how stupid I am. I still hardly have enough to eat this month. And I have to wash clothes. It’s almost winter and no heat this year. Poor cats.

I was a brat, very selfish and rotten. I didn’t love my parents, the more I got, the more I wanted freedom. But to selfish to run away. I had an abortion. I used diet pills to get through college. I used diet pills to succeed. I drank to come down. I was a virgin and had premarital sex at 22. Ruined it to have a white wedding. Every man I had a relationship with became or was a drug addict. I showed my daughter homosexual festival. I let her have sex and drink before 18. I helped her have abortion. I didn’t know who her father was at first. Same reason I aborted the first. I am a recovered alcoholic. I still am on pain med. Addicted sadly. I know I’ll die or suffer in a disaster. So will diabetics, but they have extra insulin, I don’t have extra medicine. I fall in love with love. I have been celibate 18 years. (Not a sin!!!!!) 😮. I am wrinkled and toothless from smoking cigarettes. I do not have memory loss. (Not a sin! ). I am a liar to my roommate, I promised to clean up the messy house and cry and give up. Need diet pills but expensive now. 😫 I pray for forgiveness and grace Lord. I don’t want to go to hell. I only have cats that love me. I want someone normal (white) non druggie to love me. I want to do something right before I die Lord please. I’m not a bad person. I say stupid illogical things. I cry. I feel. I hope. I own nothing but this phone. And Appleware. I owe bills. 2700 dollars. I live on 895 a month. I wish I could work. I wish I had a friend here now. I want to go to heaven. I am open to science but not wrong being right. I currently am having feelings for a old crush from the past I never met. How stupid is that? I actually fantasise about him being my friend for real.