On Your Father's Side

The first person who came to mind when I was asked to write about “modern dads” was Jeff Hay.

Most of you know him better as DJ Haymaker.

My wife and I took our kids to one of Hay’s “Family Dances” at Parkinson Rec Centre.

Hay also hosts Daddy-Daughter Dances, which is something I’ll no doubt become intimately acquainted with as the father of three girls under seven years old.

Anyone who organizes a daddy-daughter day must know a thing or two about parenting.

My hunch was correct.

“I could talk for hours about this,” he said during our interview.

It’s a fascinating topic, too, and something that appears to be gaining attention given Kelowna’s changing demographics and economy.

We all know about the challenges Okanagan families face when it comes to cost of living.

At the school our kids attend, you’ll meet parents who have changed their schedules because it’s nearly impossible for one breadwinner to pay for a mortgage, child care and other necessities.

It’s meant parents are working from home (or trying to work). Others take night shifts and tag off when dad comes home and mom goes to work.

Many of us are sacrificing annual holidays, second cars, cable TV or salon appointments to make ends meet.

Our family does all of that and more.

Hay says embrace it all, because you’re getting more in return.

His career path “allowed a great freedom to go on field trips. To volunteer at the school, especially when the kids were younger.”

Other than 110 DJ’ing events a year, he’s also completed a master’s degree in counselling psychology working with clients at Third Space Mind in the Landmark 2 building.

Hay’s favourite space, however, might be alongside his kids on school field trips.

With a flexible schedule, and a wife who works full-time as a high school teacher, Hay is free to spend more time with his kids than most might.

“I see the kids off every morning,” he says. “I’m here most of the time after school for them. … In terms of work-life balance, it’s a different role.”

But it’s a role that has increased steadily in Canada for the past 40 years.

It’s not just mom who sacrifices her career to raise the children anymore.

According to Statistics Canada, stay-at-home fathers accounted for 1 in 70 families in 1976.

Today, that number is closer to 1 in 10.

Yes, there are a lot of us dads out there faced with a new reality.

When I lost a job, we had serious decisions to make.

Then, when our third child arrived, it made more sense for me to stay home with the kids and have my wife work full-time.

The change has presented its challenges. I know the two years after my job loss I battled depression.

I tried to do everything: cook, clean, raise kids, work…

While that’s nothing new to generations of mothers, it’s something new for dads. Friends who find themselves in similar situations happily admit it’s about time men faced those problems.

Joe Fries is a Penticton father of two, and said his mom “carried the mail, and everything else” when he was growing up.

“The parenting expectations placed on dads are much higher now than they used to be, and rightfully so,” he said.

Still, with that added responsibility, how are men maintaining their sense of self?

My friend Sanj Juneja is a successful entrepreneur who lives in Atlanta. He suggested you don’t change who you are because you have kids.

And, he added with emphasis, don’t listen to people who tell you it’s impossible.

“Do everything that you used to do prior to kids,” he said, through a Facebook message. “If you can incorporate your kids into your daily lives, they truly become a part of one's self. If you enjoyed traveling to remote destinations, then continue to do so with your kids. You don't ‘have to go on a Disney cruise’ because that is what society deems a kid-appropriate vacation.”

Still, are we as men different after kids?

My friend Sean Dawson says that while he notices vast differences between the Sean Dawson before kids, he doesn’t miss him.

“I miss the things Sean-before-kids had time to do,” he said. “But, no, he was an inferior version to this rock of a provider you see before you today. I’m more patient than I was. Kids think we dads can do anything, and sometimes we believe it, too, which is nice.”

If only there was someplace men could talk about being a 21st-century dad.

Wait ... what? There is? But it’s in San Antonio, Texas?

Hay urged me to attend Dad 2.0, a three-day conference that talks about all things fatherly. It’s aimed at bloggers, artists, and entrepreneurs – and the brands and businesses eager to reach them.

This year it’s in Texas, but it travels across the United States.

“It talks about the changing roles of fathers,” Hay said. “Our dad’s dad, to be father of the year back then, you just had to show up, throw a ball once in a while and make sure there was food on the table. Whereas now, that’s the bare minimum. You’ve got to be involved.”

Really, it wasn’t that long ago men were roaming the halls outside the delivery room. That’s unheard of today.

More American theatre companies are offering “trigger warnings,” and I understand why after attending Opera Kelowna’s presentation of Carmen earlier this year.

About 15 minutes into the play, the audience was blasted by a blood-curdling scream through the speakers.

I just about jumped out of my seat.

I wanted to jump out of my seat.

It scared the bejeezus out of me, and from that point forward I was on edge, expecting more theatrics (sorry, I could not resist).

None came, at least not at that level.

Sure, there was simulated gun and sword play, plenty of sexual innuendo (and threats of sexual violence) but not once did the Kelowna production cheapen itself for shock value (my worst-case scenario).

You couldn’t have told my body that.

My heart was racing, my blood pressure dropping, and my head swimming for ways to get out of my centre-aisle, middle-row seat.

I was stuck in a sea of humanity.

The thought of disturbing people as I stood to get some air made me anxious. The thought of passing out after standing too quickly made me anxious. The thought of staying where I was made me anxious.

Such is life with anxiety.

It doesn’t hit me often, but when it does, it feels like a Mac truck.

I explain it for those who don't know me as "claustrophobia," but it's more than that.

I hate the idea of looking bad in front of other people. It first hit me at 13 years old when I vomited in Grade 9 health class.

It was during a discussion about blood flow, human tissue and child birth.

Since then, any time I'm in a crowd and someone starts to talk about a grisly injury or gruesome film, I look to flee.

It happens more than I'd like it to.

That’s why I was so curious to read about these “trigger warnings.”

The Denver Theater Company listed the following on a sign outside a play called Vietgone, about the Vietnam War:

I’d love to sit front row of your favourite circus freak show and watch people put nails through their lips or swallow swords (OK, so I’d probably still skip that even if I had a cast-iron constitution).

Trigger warnings — displayed for those who need them — are a welcome addition in my world, and likely welcome to a great number of people.

It would have made our theatre outing happier for my wife.

I squirmed and suffered until intermission, when I asked the ushers for a seat near the back door on the aisle.

How hilarious is it? I flew all the way to Las Vegas to buy legal cannabis for the first time?

I mean, I didn’t fly to Las Vegas just to buy weed. We were in Vegas on holiday, and there just happened to be a dispensary between our hotel and the gift shop down the street.

With the entire world’s “eyes on Canada” because of our decision to legalize marijuana, it’s entirely ironic it wasn’t until I spent $800 on airfare and hotel accommodations that I could buy a few edibles.

Actually, it was the first time I purchased pot of any kind, legal or not, and I was curious to see what the fuss is about.

Besides, I can’t buy edibles in B.C., and I can’t speak to anyone unless I drive two hours to Kamloops.

I’ve been writing a lot about legalization for my good friend’s new website, and I really wanted to experience it firsthand.

Yes, I could have just driven to Kamloops, but my wife would have not been thrilled to spend a weekend in Kamloops celebrating our 10th anniversary.

Nevada legalized last July, so while Canada is getting all the attention, Nevada is raking in the cash. No surprise there, eh?

There were no windows to see inside. It’s on the corner of a busy, six-lane intersection on the “other end” of Las Vegas Boulevard. Heck, even the door was hard to find, with the entire exterior of the building an eerie, Martian-green colour.

It wasn’t much better inside. Bare concrete walls and a security guard funneled you toward the actual dispensary and made it feel like some kind of prison. There was a line for medical users and one for recreational users.

Velvety ropes that ushered customers into the line of their choice were of little comfort. Music blared and all eyes find you as you walk into the place.

But the welcoming Essence staff compensated for the lobby’s stark, grey walls.

Once my eyes adjusted, I realized the security guard — a wisp of a girl no more than 25 years old — was dancing to that music.