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Saturday, January 11, 2014

The Top 10 Ginger Athletes of All Time

So as you
probably know if you read this blog, I’ve long been fighting a losing battle. There is no known cure and no end in
sight. That’s right. I’m a ginger.
And all joking aside, it’s not that bad.
I actually like it to a certain weird degree because I can make jokes
about myself for being a ginger which almost always get a courtesy chuckle out
of people (one person likes calling me the self-deprecation king, but I’m
probably more on a level of serfdom on the self-deprecation food chain), and
one time I even got with a chick because she was into redheads (as far as I
know she’s the only one). Enough about
me though, I’m about to list off some people who unfortunately have red hair as
well. In their cases however, they
didn’t get cut from a Division-III baseball team, and instead were actually
pretty good at sports. Yep, I’m talking
about the top 10 ginger athletes of all time.

Honorable
Mention—Clint Frazier—I couldn’t in good
conscious actually put him on the list because he hasn’t playing a fucking
inning past Rookie Ball for the Indians but the 2013 1st Rounder has
a head of glorious fire orange hair that would make Carrot Top blush.

Eye Black Hardo

Honorable
Mention—Dennis Rodman—In all honestly I used to love the Worm. Thought he was one of the most interesting,
batshit crazy human beings on the planet.
But now that’s he’s made the career change from basketball and hard
drugs to international diplomacy and hard drugs, I’m kind of out on
Rodman. That’ll happen when you make
buddies with and subsequently fucking defend the dictator with one of the worst
human rights records in the world.
That’s a fucking super easy way for your approval rating to go down. Coupled with the fact that he isn’t a true
ginger, he’s lucky his ass even got a mention on this prestigious list.

Honorable
Mention—Alexi Lalas—All I know about
this guy is that he’s on ESPN a couple times every 4 years, he used to play
soccer for the US of A, and he used to look like this (!!!!!). Maybe I should bring it back.

This guy smoked all the weed

Honorable
Mention—Jason Garrett—Ok so he’s not technically an athlete (unless you want to
include his days holding a clipboard in Dallas) but he’s a really mediocre
coach of an underachieving team, which in all reality is so fucking much more
than I could ever dream to achieve, so who am I to throw stones at the Cowboys?

A picture is worth 10,000 8-8 seasons

10. Brian
Scalabrine—As awesome and entertaining as Scal was, he’s really only famous because he was pretty shitty and
owned it. I’m always a sucker for guys
doing goofy shit that is super self-aware.
So with that in mind, I loved the whole “White Mamba” thing because of
how detached from reality Kobe was when he decided to call himself “Black
Mamba.” Gotta love a troll job on one of
the all-time greats but some goofy pine-riding ginger.

9. Matt
Bonner—I’ve always had a soft spot for Bonner because of his nickname game is
unreal and his jumper is as wet as it is ugly.
I mean, I can’t not get behind a guy called “Red Rocket” who shoots like
this.

Matt Bonner: Professional Athlete

8. Bobby
Kielty—Here’s one of those guys who when you were young you always thought kind
of sucked, but when you look at his numbers, it turns out was actually pretty
serviceable. Who knew? Also, the no batting gloves & head of
hair that actually looks like a burning campfire look is fire flames, pun
intended.

7. Andy
Dalton—The fact that the shittiest quarterback in the NFL Playoffs is not only
a ginger but still good enough to be on this list is basically a testament to
every ginger’s struggling existence.
With all that taken into consideration, it’s also important to note that
this is the girl that puts SPF 70 on the hard-to-reach parts of his back when
they go to the beach together.

5. The Sedin
Twins—Holy shit is this pair creepy looking.
They look like that greasy future sexual deviant kid in your 3rd
grade class that was the first kid to bring his older brother’s Playboy to
school, except there’s two of them.

Horrifying.

4. Shaun White—If
I’m going off athletic successes alone, he probably would be number one, but I really
don’t put a whole lot of stock (zero to be precise) in the fucking X Games and
being the best kid at goddamn skateboarding and snowboarding. I mean, we all remember the skateboarders from
high school—do you really want to be the best out of those kids? It’s kind of like being on the Dean’s List at
St. Cloud State. I mean, you might be
smart, but who gives a shit?

3. Blake
Griffin—Lots of controversy swirling around Griffin and his ethnicity and
whether it’s possibly to be both black and a ginger. I’m here to give a definitive ruling because I’m
easily the most qualified person who writes for this blog on the topic of
ginger race relations. Blake Griffin has
red hair and freckles. He is absolutely
a ginger. And he is a fucking athletic
freak of a ginger, might I add. So yeah,
the guy posterizing the fuck out of random European big men and Kendrick Perkins is a ginger, sucks
to suck rest of the NBA.

RIP Kendrick Perkins

2. Mark
McGwire—Big Mac is one of my favorite athletes of all time. I like to think in another, more-successful
life, I would be like him mashing upwards of 70 homers a year and keeping a gloriously
masculine goatee. Instead, it takes me
at least a week to grow anything slightly visible and I had about 40 power on
the Minnesota high school baseball 20-80 scouting scale.

"Make me like Mac" (Like Mike reference, nbd)

1. Bill
Walton—I would just love to sit down and have a beer or 10 with Bill
Walton. Big Red was in his prime one of
the most talented all-around players in the NBA (think a taller, more athletic
Kevin Love) who starred in the NBA when drug use was absolutely rampant. He has to have some fucking incredible
stories about the 70s if he can remember any of them. On top of being one of the coolest dudes of
all time, he did it all despite looking like a ginger kid who went as a member
of the Taliban for Halloween. I can get
behind that.

PS—every
other site that I’ve read that has done this kind of thing is taking the
classification of ginger WAY too liberally.
I saw Chuck Norris on lists multiple times and that guy has the most
standard brown hair of all time. It’s
absolutely abhorrent to me that guys like that (and there were a few others)
who aren’t gingers get credit for being them.
Quit trying to rain on our one little crappy, soulless parade.