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Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Rob's father was a highly ignorant, argumentative, belligerent & pessimistic person who, around mid adulthood developed an avid nazi obsession.
He was born in to poverty in East Grinstead, England in the late 1920's & lost his father around the age of 12. At 18 he decided to avoid conscription by running away with two older brothers to Kenya.
It was while there that he met Rob's mother, who had also emigrated from England , incumbent with unresolved, messy upperclass background. She settled on this man & chose to marry him, since a better offer never came along.
It was the very worst decision of her life.
The consequences have been utterly disastrous.
He was extremely destructive within the family setting.
I have come to believe that this man suffered from negativistic passive aggressive personality disorder.

Dr Sam Vaknin describes the traits of the order this way:

"Some people are perennial pessimists and have "negative energy" and negativistic attitudes ("good things don't last", "it doesn't pay to be good", "the future is behind me"). Not only do they disparage the efforts of others, but they make it a point to resist demands to perform in workplace and social settings and to frustrate people's expectations and requests, however reasonable and minimal they may be. Such persons regard every requirement and assigned task as impositions, reject authority, resent authority figures (boss, teacher, parent-like spouse), feel shackled and enslaved by commitment, and oppose relationships that bind them in any manner.

Passive-aggressiveness wears a multitudes of guises: procrastination, malingering, perfectionism, forgetfulness, neglect, truancy, intentional inefficiency, stubbornness, and outright sabotage. This repeated and advertent misconduct has far reaching effects. Consider the Negativist in the workplace: he or she invests time and efforts in obstructing their own chores and in undermining relationships. But, these self-destructive and self-defeating behaviours wreak havoc throughout the workshop or the office.

People diagnosed with the Negativistic (Passive-Aggressive) Personality Disorder resemble narcissists in some important respects. Despite the obstructive role they play, passive-aggressive's feel unappreciated, underpaid, cheated, and misunderstood. They chronically complain, whine, carp, and criticize. They blame their failures and defeats on others, posing as martyrs and victims of a corrupt, inefficient, and heartless system (in other words, they have alloplastic defenses and an external locus of control).

Passive-aggressive's sulk and give the "silent treatment" in reaction to real or imagined slights. They suffer from ideas of reference (believe that they are the butt of derision, contempt, and condemnation) and are mildly paranoid (the world is out to get them, which explains their personal misfortune). In the words of the DSM: "They may be sullen, irritable, impatient, argumentative, cynical, skeptical and contrary." They are also hostile, explosive, lack impulse control, and, sometimes, reckless.

Inevitably, passive-aggressive's are envious of the fortunate, the successful, the famous, their superiors, those in favour, and the happy. They vent this venomous jealousy openly and defiantly whenever given the opportunity. But, deep at heart, passive-aggressive's are craven. When reprimanded, they immediately revert to begging forgiveness, kowtowing, maudlin protestations, turning on their charm, and promising to behave and perform better in the future."

Family life went along fairly well while they lived in Kenya. Two sons were born to them & the father had work. As the years went by, there was steadily increasing violence & unrest in Kenya..it was the time of The Uprising & soon it became evident that the family was no longer safe to live there & so they emigrated to New Zealand by ship in 1963.

They eventually settled in West Auckland, an eccentric & odd little family that now included the mother-in-law, who had escaped the hostilities & her much younger drunken French husband, by traveling with them.

As a young married couple Rob's parents were to face the reality that the father was suffering from ankylosing spondlytis (even after extensive treatment back in England & leaving his young wife to give birth alone in Nairobi) he was to break his back by throwing a wheelbarrow in an act of rage at the "Blacks" & suffered in great pain with rapid & continual deterioration once living in New Zealand.

By now there was a third son, the mother became a born-again christian & simultaneously became an irresolute Religious Passive Aggressive Controller. Having realised that her rebellious act of marriage had brought about unforeseen & difficult consequences she went about setting this "right" by loving & defending her sons & husband with an unconditional love that refused to allow the slightest criticism of them or their behaviour or attitudes. She unswervingly believed God would transform them all (sons) in to wonderful men & make them all Pastors that she could be so proud of. He would also save her husband from himself!

In those early years, in their new home with their young sons & mother-in-law living downstairs, the father birthed an interest which became an obsession, in all things nazi & third reich. He admired & worshipped their might & prowess. Over time, he secretly sent for & imported nazi memorabilia which he stored in a shrine up in the apex of the house; a windowless space that was only accessible by clambering up through the linen cupboard in the hall. He indoctrinated his three sons in hatred, bigotry, racism & every pessimistic & negative attitude: including rebellion to authority.

The eldest son left home at 16 & went to sea, eventually captaining a survey ship (ultimate control) practicing extreme martial arts & marrying a prostitute. Her son was to kill himself by drug overdose at the age of 22 & her demise was messy, long, painful & also thoroughly premature. The mother-in-law adored this woman & was devastated at her death, yet rejected her other two daughters-in-law entirely; going on to spread lies, cast aspersions & create division amongst us all over decades. Somehow she could only relate to the broken & grotesque....you just have to see the "beautiful people" inside.

The youngest son became a rebel, a Westie & a drug addict who was never the full picnic & eventually broke his own family by buying into the maternally schooled religious deception that God was in charge, he didn't need to "own" anything, think for himself, apologise ever or change in any way. God would fix everything for him, given time. This was The Will of God & mustn't be doubted.

The consequences: an entirely broken family, an appalling & destructive legacy that sticks like poo & a struggle for freedom of soul for Rob that has been debilitating & painful & almost destroyed our marriage.