26 January 2010

Lonely: 1. a: being without company b: cut off from others: solitary
2. sad from being alone
3. producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation
Most of the time I'm okay being alone. It's nice to be able to do what I want, when I want, and not have to worry about anyone but myself. When it's just me no one cares if I'm put my pjs on as soon as I get home from work or if I eat the same thing for dinner 4 nights in a row. No one sees if I turn up the music and dance while cleaning. I can work out in my living room and not have to worry what I look like struggling to keep up with Jillian. If I don't feel like doing the dishes, I can just leave them in the sink. And if I feel like sitting around all night and doing nothing, there's no one to make me feel guilty for being lazy.
But then there are the not so great things about being alone all the time. Coming home to an empty house, eating dinner alone, no one to talk to, sitting on the couch by myself hoping for something decent on tv to fill the hours til I can justify going to bed. When I'm sad or have a bad day at work there's no one there to give be a hug when I get home and tell me it's all going to be okay.
Sometimes the silence is deafening. Sometimes I just lay on the couch and cry because it hurts to be alone. Sometimes I just want someone there to talk about my day and to cook dinner for. I'm just tired of being alone. There's not a whole lot I can do about it, which sucks. I just feel stuck. I just want someone to share my life with.

“I've got everything I need except a man. And I'm not one of those women who thinks a man is the answer to everything, but I'm tired of being alone.”

“Loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named, not good” John Milton

08 January 2010

Ever just have one of those weeks? Well, this one was mine. On top of freezing cold and snow all week, my dad's been in the hospital with a small bowel obstruction, this week was Nathan's birthday and marked 1 year since his death, work's been busy, and I'm working in the ER tomorrow. Talking about getting kicked when you're down. It has just been one thing after another and I couldn't seem to catch a break. A few high points have helped me keep sanity including playing Quelf Sunday night with a wonderful group friends while holding sweet little Jake,holding babies in the nursery at church, spending time with someone near and dear to me on my day off yesterday, and keeping at the 30 Day Shred.I also have almost gotten my Christmas tree down. All the decorations are off, but the lights are still on. I know when I take the lights off a million pine needles are going to fall off and I'm avoiding removing them because of the mess. Normally I would just take it outside and do this, but it's way too freakin' cold for that!So to make up for this week I am spending Friday night curled up on the couch, watching movies, and having some me time. Hope the rest of you have had a better week. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a good shift in the ER tomorrow.

PS

The getting kicked when down thing yeah, it continued. My ER shift was crazy and I got asked by a patient if I was pregnant. Seriously?!?!? Seriously. Next week has to be better, I can't take much more of this.

04 January 2010

I can't believe another year has passed. 2009 was a year of ups and downs. It didn't start off too great. January 7th will make one year since my friend Nathan lost his fight against Cystic Fibrosis. It's still hard for me to think of him really being gone. It still hurts like it was yesterday and I miss him just as much. After the year starting on a low note, things improved slowly. I started a new job in Interventional Radiology that I really like, my little sister got married, and my niece turned 5. I got to travel a lot which always makes me happy. I spent 2 of the most amazing weeks at Young Lives camp loving on babies and can't wait to go back again this summer. I cruised around the coast of Europe with one of my best friends, and made my 3rd trip to Mexico to do GYN surgery. I participated in the Great Strides Walk for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. I gave up caffeine. I mastered making peanut butter fudge. I had another kidney stone that required lithotripsy (3 days before my sister's wedding). I got to celebrate the birth of the sweetest little boy with 2 good friends. Sunday game night became a tradition. And I finally got a table for my dinning room.
I hope that 2010 will hold good things for me. It will be my 10 year high school reunion, 5 years since I finished PA school, and my 28th birthday. I want to travel more, spend more time with the people that are important to me, make memories that count, and maybe just maybe trade in my single status for good. Stay tuned to see what this year has in store for me.