This Is Me…The Real Me

I’m going to post the real deal, unfiltered, morning hair, working out in the dungeon pictures of me. This is NOT EASY but here’s why I want you to see these pictures.

Many of you get caught up in the selfie era. Seems everyone posts these great pics where they can edit, filter, and give you perfect angles. They all look amazing with their perfect child moments, amazing dinners with their husbands, and animals running around posting for the next Purina ad.

Why isn’t my life like that? I know my IG page can look like we are the bomb family, but hell, in the past few weeks my cat has found three mice, one cat pukes ON MY BED weekly, Logan has homework that keeps him up to the “bitchy” stage, date night usually ends with both of us so tired we go to bed, and it takes a cup of coffee and two scoops of Energy and Endurance to be a member of the PNPamClub you see on IG.

Losing and keeping off 100 lbs didn’t leave me with the perfect body I always dreamed I would have. It would be freaking awesome if I could tell you that I don’t take a ton of selfies to get the one that hides flaws. I’d like to be a one shot girl but my body has a story to tell. I got areas of my body that tell you I workout, but I also have scars, saggy skin, and flaws that speak differently.

With summer coming I’ve been hard on myself. Rather than dealing with some emotional insecurities I’ve been consumed with maybe I should lose some weight? After all, doesn’t that make you happy, confident and a f-ing bad ass sitting by the pool?

No. I’ve been thinner and I was still insecure about my body at the damn pool. I just need to deal with being OK with ME; not just my body but that I am good enough to do things I want to do. From racing to drinking by the pool, the thoughts are the SAME. Do I belong here?

For years I thought I didn’t belong and so now I still believe it when I get stressed. I belong anywhere I want to be, but the old thoughts are an easy pattern. Races and the pool only care about one thing…did you pay? LOL.

You don’t have to EARN your way to happiness. It’s like clothes. We had a conversation the other day about this with my private clients. Here’s the answer I was giving in our group and decided I’m sharing this and my pictures with the world.

The discussion was about insecurity and happiness. Someone posted about ill-fitting clothes and how it makes them feel in their skin.

“One thing I do is get rid of stuff that doesn’t fit…either too big or too small. We don’t have to earn our way into clothes that USED to serve us. No telling what they were serving back when we could fit in them.

For example, I got rid of clothes that I wore when I was a lot smaller and competing. It was hard because they were beautiful clothes, BUT they made me FEEL shitty for weighing more now.

They also were clothes I bought at a totally different point in my life. That’s not the life I will or can live anymore so why feel like I have to earn my ass back into them? It was defeating to see those small sizes and know I wasn’t going to fit into them.

The truth is happiness wasn’t in the clothes. Those bad boys needed to go! They represented a life without date nights, missing breakfast with my son working out, too tired to go to bed with my husband, and skipping meals with friends and family because it didn’t fit in my plan.

Happiness wasn’t in the clothes and my scale. It was in front of me waiting to be embraced. All I needed was clothes that fit the life and feelings I wanted and needed RIGHT NOW. And when started living a life that felt good I finally released dreams I mistakingly thought I wanted.”

The same goes for fat clothes. Lord, I held onto those things for dear life so afraid if I gained weight I would go naked. Those clothes looked at me saying, “you don’t trust yourself so we’re going to remind you every day that you are one meal away from failure.”

I didn’t need either sets of clothes. I just needed to be in my body and feel as good as I could in THIS BODY. When I do that my life is better. My outlook is great. I think about the 50 half marathons I’ve ran and not the 5 lbs I would like to lose. It’s pretty great to think about all the good things in life when you give up TRYING so HARD to focus on what isn’t right.

If I ever lose a little weight it’s a reflection of me doing things that feel good; not punishing myself into a size and hoping all the other shit in life just magically “goes away.”

I think that is a big piece of the puzzle for many of us. We feel the need to punish ourselves for God knows what. It really doesn’t and shouldn’t be that way. I rarely see anyone who punishes their kids all the time end up with a happy gem of an adult. Think about that as you keep thinking a punishing diet and fitness program is going to keep you on the straight and narrow for life.

So, here I go embracing insecurity! Sure I look at myself often and think dear Lawd, but most of the time I SHUT IT DOWN and find something to love. Even in these pictures as I worked out I saw stuff moving that shouldn’t but then was like girl you look bad ass when twerk. Secret is out. I twerk between sets. Gets those Fitbit steps!

I don’t know if any of this made sense or inspired anybody but I do feel awesome, lighter, and ready to hit Vegas with the man I love in a bikini! Ten years ago I wouldn’t even go to a pool without tears.

Just note that my pics this weekend in Vegas I will look awesome. 🙂 I clean up nice.

Now I’m just acting silly but you can see how with surgery the knees are the area my skin bunches the worst.Ghetto booty I don’t have! My ass is flat and the backs of my thighs you can see where the skin bunches. But thee legs can climb hills and walls.This is one of the scar lines I sport at the pool. The other one matches.Here’s my belly without sucking in. I like that it is flat.This just me! I roll with the wild hair and this was sweated down a bit!IG worthy. Anyone can take a picture at the right angle and look sexy.