How OM Helped Me Access My Feelings

by OneTaste Living Library Jun 26, 2012

nnBy DanannSome of my first memories are of my father, and for the most part they have the same general plot line. I’m around 3 years old, sitting in a restaurant with my parents and I get upset about… whatever it is that 3 year olds get upset about. I’m obviously about to start to cry, and my father gives me a stern look and says, “Do I need to take you outside?” As soon as I hear him utter those words, my little body tightens up, I force the lump in my throat down to where it came from, and I shake my blonde curls “no.” I’m terrified of going outside, whatever that means. I have no idea what will happen out there, but the thought horrifies me. My dad smiles at me, radiating almost. “OK. Good girl.” Yes. I am a good girl. I don’t cause a scene in the restaurant, or cry, ever, for that matter. And my daddy is so proud of me. Feelings are equivalent to being an inconvenience, bad, and inappropriate.nnAt 25, I started a practice called Orgasmic Meditation. At this point, I had 22 years of perfecting that trait under my belt- stuffing down my feelings so that I am well behaved and don't cause a scene. I had perfected my poker face, so to speak. At first, I thought, “This practice is great! I feel amazing!” And it’s true, it builds endorphins and makes us happier and brighter. What I didn’t know is that it was starting to stir up all those emotions and feelings that I had been stuffing for the last 22 years. It’s like soup. Most of the good bits fall to the bottom of the pan, and while it’s still edible and nourishing, the soup is much richer and more flavorful when stirred.nnOne of the first times I cried in about 10 years happened roughly 2 months after I started OMing. I was in the car on the way home from work, talking to my friend about a text fight I had just gotten into with my partner, and I could feel the bubbles and that lump threatening tears. I started to push it down, instinctively, and then there was a moment when I stopped myself. I had to effort to let myself cry, but once I let it out, it felt. So. Good. And my friend and I connected in a way we had never connected before. She was amazed to see me cry, and was so happy to see it. I wasn’t chastised for crying, or yelled at, or taken outside. I was met with love and empathy.nnOM helped me to feel. I started by feeling a pulsing here, and a tingling there. And then, it was almost as if it started to thaw out the frozen part of me - that part which was helping to keep those emotions locked down. Once everything was thawed out, I couldn’t stop it, nor did I want to. I hadn’t realized how much effort I was putting in to being happy and appropriate all the time, and it was exhausting. I remember a specific moment in time, driving across the bay bridge after having an OM, and suddenly gasping for breath. It felt like a giant hand finally released its grip from around my chest. I had gotten so comfortable with the iron grip that I hadn’t even noticed it was there anymore, and it was almost painful to have it gone. It was terrifying, feeling how deeply I could actually breathe, and at the same time I couldn’t stop doing it. It felt SO good. I wanted to stretch and never stop!nnIt’s three years later, and all that sediment is still getting flushed to the top. Crying was a big step for me, as was getting angry. I can see now how much I was shortchanging all of my relationships and interactions by being so stoic. It’s not much fun to hang out with a stepford wife. The emotions are where the juice is.nnI hope I never stop stretching.nn nnOM is indeed a practice that builds sensitivity, not only physically but emotionally. One brick at a time. Each moment of a flicker of heat or tingling in an OM is a brick in the foundation of feeling. What does it mean to feel more? It means having a holistic experience of reality, not only seeing or interpreting through the stories in our minds, but feeling every nuance of what is available. How does your body respond when someone makes you angry? What does it feel like in your genitals and your toes? What emotions come up when you are touched on your neck? It's all information. How can we better inform ourselves about who we really are through and through, and enhance our life experience?