73. Yes.

I still am, in fact.

It doesn't take much to take me back again. I have a co-worker who told me that she always got A's in her classes because she was adept at figuring out exactly what the teacher wanted. She and I do the same job, and although I've done it twice as long and we are equally competent, she makes sure she is noticed, so she is still using that skill. I could never pull that off because I am still far too shy. I love her dearly, but seeing her in action sometimes fills me with rage. Her most recent move is a literal move closer to our supervisor's office to ensure that she is the first one to be consulted when a question comes up.

I will never be one of the cool kids. Since I've been out of school since 1972--had enough credits, thank Gods, to graduate early--you'd think I'd have come to grips with it by now, but it hasn't left. I made a couple of suicidal gestures when I was in my early teens, and the only thing that has stopped me recently is knowing how miserable I've been since my parents died and I don't want to do that to my kids. The horrible shootings in the past weeks and some facebook posts that made me realize that I have family members who are so different from me have brought up emotions that I can't handle. I've been off work a few days and am dreading going back today.

I wasn't bullied per se, just had a couple of mean girls make comments like they do, and I was totally crushed. If I had actually been bullied rather than just invisible I honestly don't know what would have happened. No access to guns, so I would have probably just tried harder to take myself out.