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Jewell Powell stopped by Sol Searching this week and shared with us information about her book: Marriage 101. Powell was gracious to share excerpts from the 8 week plan discussed in her book Marriage 101 with us this week as well. Today is the last day of the excerpts and a very good topic: COMMUNICATION!

Communication is key to any relationship and marriage is definitely a relationship. Communication must be cultivated and consistently and consciencly worked on. Powell shares 15 tips that will improve your communication within your marriage and/or relationship.

15 Ways to Communicate Effectively with Your Spouse

Listen attentively while your spouse is speaking, rather than concentrating on what you are going to say in response. This way, you can hear what your spouse is really saying. You may be also able to hear what your spouse is not saying, as well as what he is.

Learn to speak the same things (for example, you want to live debt free or have a happy, fulfilling marriage). If you are speaking the same things, you are in agreement. The scriptures ask, “Can two walk together unless they are in agreement?” The answer is no. Therefore, agreement is very important in a marriage.

Make eye-to-eye contact when you are speaking. Eyes will reveal anger, pain, sickness, and so on. Eye-to-eye contact also creates a connection between you and your spouse.

Think before you speak, thereby giving yourself time to speak your words with love. People are easily offended. Once anger or offense enters the conversation, the person who is offended stops listening and goes on the defensive. So think carefully before you speak.

Pray together. Again, this brings agreement, but more importantly, brings God into the conversation.

Dream together and write a vision. Understanding the purpose for your marriage should drive you and your spouse to accomplish God’s will for your life. Whether His reason is for you to raise your children a certain way, to start a business, to start a non-profit organization, to start a prayer meeting in your community, or to sing, every couple has a purpose.

Know your spouse and why she does what she does (for example, is it based on her upbringing? military background? being from a single-parent home? growing up poor?). Knowing this will help you to communicate more effectively. For example, if your spouse grew up poor, then you can understand why she responds a certain way when you spend a lot of money. Because of your spouse’s past, she might be used to people telling her to not spend as much or feelings of poverty may rear their ugly head.

Communicate with your spouse—he is not a mind reader. You must communicate your wants and desires.

Know what your spouse expects from you (such as dinner every night, or a phone call to let her know you are okay). You have been with your spouse long enough to know what she expects.

10. Understand what your mate is trying to say. Men are definitely from Mars and women are different from Venus. We can speak the same things, but in different ways. Understanding your spouse’s background and gender, and knowing his heart, will help you to decipher what he is really trying to say. For example, your spouse may have a hard time expressing love verbally but may be able to express it physically, giving you hugs or kisses that say, “I love you.”

11. Forgive one another. Every marriage, including yours, will get to a point at which your spouse will do something to hurt you. At the end of that day, make up in your mind to forgive your spouse. If you don’t, that unforgiveness will grow day by day until your heart is hardened or your ears get dull and you no longer want to hear what he has to say. Those are walls that start the separation process. Don’t let that happen. Forgive and move on. God says that He gives us new mercies every day; therefore, because He has given freely, you should give freely, too.

12. Complement and say “I love you” and “I appreciate you” often. By doing this every day, this is something that can keep a marriage peaceful and strong.

13. Know the best time to talk with your mate. If your spouse is not a morning person, 7 AM is not the best time to have a serious conversation. If your spouse needs an hour after work to relax, wait to have that heart-to-heart.

14. Conduct family meetings regularly. This allows you to discuss what’s going on with the child(ren), plan dates and vacations, agree about large purchases, and other important matters.

15. Control your emotions. Keep your mouth shut! DO NOT discuss issues when either of you is upset. If your spouse is trying to discuss a matter while angry, find a way to let her cool off first. For example, excuse yourself to the bathroom and go pray. If you are the one who is upset, definitely pray first and wait until you are able to speak nicely.

We’ve all heard that success is a journey, not a destination. I say that marriage is a journey, not a destination. In other words you have to constantly work at building a successful relationship; it doesn’t just happen. We know that the cares of this world: career, children, household chores, other family members, and more take up so much of our time that by the end of the day, we have nothing left to give to our spouses. In turn, our marriages are missing the very core of what it should have: love.

A successful marriage is not based on a couple having no challenges or disagreements. But it is based on how they communicate with one another day after day. The definition of communicate is: a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior (words or deeds); to open into each other: connect. Therefore, communicating is connecting to one another on a daily basis to strengthen and enrich your marriage. I am not talking about the day in and day out of the routine of marriage – a peck on the cheek, “Have a nice day” – to a call in the middle of the day to discuss the children or why you will be home late – to a peck on the cheek and lights out.

Marriage is a lot like a bank account. A successful couple makes daily deposits – ways to make their marriage a priority. Below are ten ways to deposit love (and they’re FREE!):

Put the kids down early, fix a nice healthy dessert, light a candle, and just talk

Start a tradition (every week to take a walk, etc.)

Play a board game/cards

Find a poem or quote (internet, library, or write one) that will express your feelings (either send it or read it to them)

Pamper your spouse after work

Dating should not stop once you are married. Continue to court one another and offer tokens of love and appreciation. You don’t have to spend a lot of money, but little signs of gratitude and courtship can go a long way to enhance your relationship.

In July of 1992, Jewell met her Prince Charming at a Roy Rogers restaurant. When the couple decided to marry four years later, both were aware of the latest marriage statistics and the legacy of divorce that lay between them. Her parents divorced when she was four, after moving the family to Maryland, leaving her to be raised by a single mother. To circumvent the odds, they went through pre-marital counseling, attended church regularly and felt a strong love for one another. They believed they were ready for marriage.

While desiring to have a happily ever after, Jewell found life after marriage anything but a fairy tale. In 2001, she and her husband, Lewis, had been married for five years but were growing apart, after experiencing problems with infertility, sleeping in separate bedrooms and Lewis’s increasing disinterest in going to church. As she searched for answers to her marital troubles, Jewell found herself on a journey, seeking answers to save her marriage.

Despite a shaky beginning, the Powells now have a relationship with a strong foundation. After successfully resolving their marital problems, they started the Happily Ever After Marriage Ministry to help others do the same. Her new book,Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith (Revell Books February 2009, ISBN 978-0-8007-3332-2, $13.99), offers hope and guidance to help transform broken relationships through the use of biblical wisdom in a simple workbook format.

Jewell serves as co-owner of Antiok Holdings, an emerging full-service management consulting firm, which she owns with her husband. She earned a Bachelor of Science in business from the University of Maryland and is pursuing a Master of Divinity. The Powells reside in southern Maryland with their two daughters. For more information, please visit www.marriage101.us.

ABOUT THE BOOK

Your marriage can be strong, healthy, happy, and blessed. Marriage coach Jewell Powell shows you how in this 8-week plan for marital success. She reveals how God’s truths can transform two individuals into the union he desires. Laying a spiritual foundation is crucial to your marriage. In Marriage 101: Building a Life Together by Faith, you will discover God’s purpose for marriage, how to develop godly character, how to communicate effectively, and much more. With biblical examples, study questions, and Scripture meditations perfect for individuals or couples, you will be challenged to examine areas in your life that may need change so that your marriage can thrive.

Author Jewell Powell will visit Sol Searching tomorrow during her blog tour. She has granted my listeners the opportunity to read excerpts from her book, Marriage 101: Building a life together by Faith. Over the next couple of days, I will share excerpts from her book with you. Please visit her website: www.marriage101.us, to learn more about her book and/or to order the book.

Pursue the One You Love

Most couples reminisce about how the person they ultimately married actively pursued them for their time, attention, or love when they were dating. The pursuit to gain the affection of another person is known as courting. This active pursuit should not end just because you are now married. Women have been most noted to complain about their spouse’s lack of time and attention once they were married. All of the special things he once did (romantic dates, flowers, candy, thoughtful cards and gifts) have disappeared into the sea of forgetfulness.

Now, your husband sexually approaches you without even stroking your hair or kissing your neck. If this becomes the norm and you are frustrated by it, be sure to lovingly let your hubby know that you would like to include more romance into your sex life instead of just diving right into the act!

Remind him of all of the wonderful things that he did to get your attention and how this really made you fall in love with him. Married couples should continue to court one another and offer tokens of love and appreciation. You don’t have to spend a lot of money. Even little signs of gratitude and courtship can go a long way in having a great marriage. Ladies, this cuts both ways. Be prepared to be reminded of some things that you may have done or let slip during your time of dating or early in your marriage when things were fresh, new and exciting. Both men and women need to remember how hard they once worked to impress each other. Why not do it now?

Another point that many couples will remember is that while courting and dating, it was difficult for them to keep their hands off one another and resist the sexual attraction they felt toward each other. Although the Scriptures clearly tell us that it is God’s desire that we abstain from sex until marriage, sex inside of marriage is His perfect plan for couples. Sex outside of marriage is fornication. Fornication is a sin against God. It is just like the enemy to entice and put pressure on couples to have sex before marriage. Then once they are married, couples may not find sex pleasurable anymore or they become disinterested. It is also a tactic of the enemy to make sexual intimacy that is sanctioned and blessed by God into something that couples want to avoid. Couples must be vigilant to submit themselves to God (His will) and resist the devil in every area of their lives, including their sexual relationship with their spouse, and he will flee (James 4:7). It is the will of God and His desire for married couples to have sex.

Most couples listened carefully to one another when they were dating. Once married, it may be more difficult to find interest in some of the same stories your spouse shares. However, it is important to put the time and energy into listening to them talk about work, concerns about friends, and their outside interests. No matter how boring this may seem to you now, and how you may tire of hearing them rambling on about things that don’t interest you, this is an important part of making them feel important.

Think back. Remember how glad you were to be allowed into their inner-most thoughts, emotions, and dreams when you first started dating. Well, you got what you were looking for! Now, you are their friend and lover forever! Intently listen to what your spouse has to say and share your feelings and thoughts with them, as well. This verbal intimacy between couples is the preliminary step toward physical intimacy.

The courting process is very different for each couple. If your husband loves a good evening meal, you can court him with his favorite dinner. If your wife loves flowers, buy her flowers for no reason. There are countless ways to “court” each other. Wear the perfume that makes his toes curl. Bring her a small box of her favorite chocolates. Men, washing the dishes for your wife after she has an exhausting day at work or at home with the kids could be the sexiest thing you’ve done in weeks because it demonstrates your care and concern to meet her needs. All of these examples are simple ways of communicating that your spouse is still the most important person to you and that you don’t take them for granted.

If you have realized that you have become lazy in your pursuit of the one you love, pick up the wonderful little things that you use to do for them to communicate your love and affection. If you have forgotten, ask them! By expressing your love and appreciation through small tokens, you set the stage for intimacy and open the door for lovemaking.