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I have only been on this forum for a short while and have not posted much at all but ready reguarly.

A little bit of background. I have 3 kids, DD 11, DD 5 and DS 5. I have been married for almost 12 years. Back in December my WH told me that he no longer loved me and did not want to be married. We tried counseling a few times but WH said "It is what it is and I am going with the flow" so I stopped.

I found out after my husband told me that he no longer loved me that he has been texting a woman he works with a lot. Over 1000 text messages for a few months straight and talking for over 900 minutes a month. My WH was not much of a phone talker or texter. WH even bought a prepaid cell phone that he lied about getting after I confronted him. Well we were going to try and make it work but I told butt munch that he needed to stop all communication with her and well of course he didn't. This past Friday he asked her to go fishing by themselves (I found out by snooping). He has claimed from the start they are just friends who have a lot in common and that nothing happend. Whatever there buddy. They are both cops.

Well after that incident I told him no more and to move the fu** out. Of course he won't because I can't force him out because he is on the deed to. I am not going to be able to keep the house even with child support and I am having a hard time finding a place to rent in the area that I am in because of pending bankruptcy. This sucks because I am the one left to pickup the pieces and try and keep my kids in the same district they are in. Very good school district.

I just want to know why all this is worth it to him? Why is all this worth it to our children who have done no wrong?

Now that I see what kind of a shit face he is I don't want him but I want to know why is it worth all this.

I am stuck with finding a place to live in the same district which is going to be hard because of bankruptcy and why is your slut face worth more than your family?

I'm sorry. I am just rambling but pissed at the same time.

WH - 36
BS - 34 Me
DD - 11
DD - 6
DS - 6

Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Maryland

little turtle♀ 15584Member # 15584

Posted: 1:28 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

We never know why. We just do what we need to do for our children and for ourselves. Have you filed for divorce? Will he be paying child/spousal support?

(((kajeno)))

Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4313 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan

KAJENO2000♀ 38816Member # 38816

Posted: 1:42 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

I can not file for divorce at this time. In my state you have to wait 1 year from the date one one of us moves out to file for divorce. He is not paying child support at this time because we are still living together but once I or it moves out then he will pay child support.

Thankfully I have one of the best attorneys in town who will make sure that I am entitled to what I am entitled to but it still won't be enough to keep the house.

WH - 36
BS - 34 Me
DD - 11
DD - 6
DS - 6

Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Maryland

Ashland13♀ 38378Member # 38378

Posted: 1:47 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

I'm sorry, Kajen.

What I've learned isn't easy to say or to hear, about the very question you've asked.

Several ICs, priests and lawyers have said to me that they suspect STBXH/Perv had detatched from "our" life long ago and was simply going through motions. He was not around because of the same reasons I was and did not share it with me...or anyone except OW, from what I understand. He was around until he could find another situation to set himself up in and someone with low standards and self-esteem to put up with his ways.

Things he was doing that we thought were out of love, were probably out of guilt and duty...and to shut us up, first and foremost.

I'm in no way saying this is what happened to you and your WH, just that it's a thing that can happen.

The things I though we worked for our whole lives, were hassles, responsibilities and obligations.

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2548 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England

TheClimb♀ 25895Member # 25895

Posted: 1:48 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

I am guessing that your kids will be getting out of school soon for the summer. This buys you a little time to find a home in your school district. Did you ever contact the OW's husband? I'm sure he would be very interested in their "just friends" fishing trip.

It is never worth it; he will find out soon enough but by then it will probably be too late. Sounds like you have moved on.

This stuff just sucks all the way around!

"That which can be destroyed by the truth should be" P.C. Hodgell

Posts: 471 | Registered: Oct 2009 | From: Southern Maryland

KAJENO2000♀ 38816Member # 38816

Posted: 2:13 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

Ashland - I feel that my situation sounds a lot like yours. I also believe WH has detached many years ago but didn't start his actions until OW came into his life.

He works odd hours now because of his job and most of the time he was off was not spent at home or with the kids. He had hobbies that did not include us but I was expected to work full time, take care of the kids and clean part time on the weekends (for extra money) and take care of our house. He told me the other day that I am a slob and who has no respect for herself or her belongings.

TheClimb - I have not contact the OW's husband yet because I am afraid of what the outcome will be. WH, OW and OW's husband are all cops. I'm not sure how that will pan out with all three of them being a cop.

Even if WH finds out soon enough that it is not worth it I will never take him back for the hell he has put us through for the past 6 months. All I have ever wanted from him was honesty and all I get is "We are just friends". I told him bull crap you are not friends. None of this started until she came into your life and look at all the calls, texts and keeping your phone on you 24/7.

WH - 36
BS - 34 Me
DD - 11
DD - 6
DS - 6

Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Maryland

dmari♀ 37215Member # 37215

Posted: 2:58 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

Sending you hugs. My stbx is also a cop. I know when shit hit the fan, his command asked if the person stbx was dating was a cop. I have a feeling that your stbx is going to claim "just friends" because I'm sure it will cause a SHIT STORM at work if he admits to an affair. I'm glad you got proof (texts and phone records). Gather as much evidence as possible. They are both definitely breaking a code of conduct. I'm so glad to hear you have an attorney. I would show the other BS the phone records you have and let him come to his own conclusion.

Hon you need to hard 180 him. ( Healing Library under BS FAQs #11). Do it for YOU.

Since he won't move out, don't you move out either. If he is still buying the groceries, eat your meal separately, make him do his own laundry. Treat him like a room mate. DO NOTHING for him.

I presume you are no longer sleeping in the same bed. Don't engage him except about kids and finances. Get out every night he is home and do not say when you will be back or where you are going, even if you have to go cruise the mall.

Even better, go have coffee with other people who have been through this, or a support group. Do something for you - join a gym, take a class, whatever you can afford. Volunteering is a great way to meet people.

This will help you get stronger, I promise. Don't move out.

I divorced him because I didn't like his girlfriend.

Posts: 9588 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: East of the Rockies

KAJENO2000♀ 38816Member # 38816

Posted: 3:11 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

I have been 180ing him since Sunday. We did talk last night but that was only about the impending separation and all the good stuff that comes with it.

I don't know if I can stay in the house with him much longer. I am not healing and feel that I can not move foward with him there. He said he won't move out yet because he does not have the money or anywhere to go yet. I don't care if he does or doesn't but I can try to kick him out but it won't do no good because he is on the deed as well.

I am seriously thinking of showing OW's husband the call logs and text messages so he can see how much they texted and called each other in a short time period because he told me that I was nothing to him. My BH tells me that she does it with all the other people at work. Well seriously...if she did she wouldn't have a life with her husband who is high up at a different police department. Sheesh.

I just wish the asshole will wake up from his little dream and tell me the truth. It is hard because my gut is telling me more but he won't tell me and that is making it hard for me to heal as well. Maybe I just need to tell myself that I don't need to know.

WH - 36
BS - 34 Me
DD - 11
DD - 6
DS - 6

Posts: 14 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Maryland

FieldsOfLavender♀ 39154Member # 39154

Posted: 3:26 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

WH said "It is what it is and I am going with the flow" so I stopped.

I found out after my husband told me that he no longer loved me that he has been texting a woman he works with a lot. Over 1000 text messages for a few months straight and talking for over 900 minutes a month.

He has claimed from the start they are just friends who have a lot in common and that nothing happend.

Well after that incident I told him no more and to move the fu** out. Of course he won't because I can't force him out

Is there a script out there for WS? This is what my WH said to me too: It is what it is ... We're just friends...

I told him to get the fuck out after 7 months of this texting/sexting EVERY NIGHT, in addition to meeting his whore weekly for dinner or some other activity. Whenever he met up with her, he didn't come home for 6-8 hours. When I've met up with girl friends, I've never been away that long unless I have a 3 hour drive included in that night out.

Posts: 205 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA

Ashland13♀ 38378Member # 38378

Posted: 3:42 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

Hi Kajen,

Yes, you hit the nail on the head. Just for example, I and others around us suspect that Perv didn't have the guts to take action, even when he knew he wanted to leave, he couldn't tolerate being alone, and he searched and searched until he "found" OW.

There's a term called "Exit Affair" and I'm pretty certain this is what his intentions were.

Some of his mixed up lingo is exactly like your description of your WH, except it changed on a daily basis for a while. It is believed it was the fence he was so high up on.

DD and I have a good chance of losing our house, too, due to finances and Perv suddenly deciding he's not going to help us stay here financially "for long".

And when he cracked it was first me to leave, but I was physically not able to walk out that door, so he snuck out instead.

I felt the same as your posts and I still care about all that we worked 20 years for and have so many issues with not having a choice in the matter. What they did is changing the lives of people simply tossed away.

I'm sorry for your difficult time and please know that you are not alone.

Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 2548 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England

Pippy♀ 16482Member # 16482

Posted: 3:56 PM, May 29th (Wednesday), 2013

Her BH sounds like an idiot - he must be- he M her. Forget about telling him.

In the end when all is said and done, you will realize you already know the truth. A MM doesn't leave his wife and kids for a woman he hasn't even slept with.

Think back to a time when you thought that you haven't been having sex as much lately. That will give you a time when it started.

It took me 8 years to remember that but it all added up to a time when I was away for a death in my family. Your puzzle will come together too. It just takes time.

For now , work on you and your future. You deserve a man who cherishes you.