Friday, October 03, 2008

An Open Letter To The Dog Owner Who Left Poo Smears On The Sidewalk

I know you think you’re doing your civic duty by cleaning up after your dog. But what we have here is a case of a job not well done not being worth doing.

What you did was a half-assed wipe. It’s the equivalent of you going Number 2 and only wiping your butt once and leaving skid marks in your underwear. You wouldn’t do that, now would you? (Or maybe you would? If so, it’s possible we went out on a date once.)

In fact, you actually made the situation worse because a person is more likely to see a sidewalk turd than a sidewalk poo smear. A sidewalk turd has height. It is easily spotted and we give it wide berth. But when you take that altitude away, a person is more likely to – oh, I don’t know – step in the poo smear while wearing sandals, and then slide forward, the poo gushing over the front edge of the shoe and into the toes like it was high poo tide at Poo Beach.

In closing, please treat the sidewalks of New York with the same respect with which you treat your own anus. These are serious times and we need serious wipers. We already have enough people making a mess of things and leaving the rest of us to clean up their shit.