Wet Death: Foreign Woman Slips Right Into Niagara Falls

As counterfactual as this may sound, one of the word’s most magnificent wonders is also a killer. What could it be? Alright… enough riddling around. It’s Niagara Falls! And talk about the deadliest summer ever. Maybe it’s about time to pull the liquor license at Water Falls Curbside Cafe.

It all ‘went down’ yesterday. CBS News reports that “two female students in their 20s from the Toronto area were visiting the falls around Sunday night when one of them climbed onto a railing near the river’s edge and sat on a block pillar, with her legs straddling the railing.” Police conclude that the woman apparently lost her footing and slipped into the falls (oddly properly named). Her fall has been measured at approximately 80 feet, or as doctor’s like to refer to it as: A Distance Considered NOT GOOD.

Police claim the area surveillance video captured the tragedy and also proved that no one else was in the immediate vicinity and therefore have ruled out foul play. Want to hear the worst part? According to one expert, it’s not even the fall into the water that normally kills a person. It’s fun little obstacles like grizzly bears, trees, a glacier, or lightning strikes. I’m not even sure if forced to chose which is the least gruesome and catastrophic. How about you? Eaten? Fried? Tenderized? Or frozen? Hmm… suddenly I’m hungry.

Since the woman was an exchange student, CBS Chicago reported that department said “it was working with the Japanese consulate general to notify the victim’s family. Her name was being withheld pending the notification, and police did not say which country she was from.” Um… are they possibly working with the Japanese consulate because she’s Scandinavian?

This has got to be the most ironically horrifying part of the story. As of mid-day today, authorities have not found her body but have however found the remains of what has been identified as an unidentified human male. Jeeze, I thought Uncle Ted came with us that time. And bye the way, just a side note legal lingo makers. There is something off-putting about claiming to identify something you can’t identify. I know when you break it down, it’s accurate. But it’s simply specious and sounds like you’re claiming credit for something you didn’t quite do yet. I don’t know… I’d look at that. How about merely, “found.” We don’t expect as much then.

In conclusion, let me just give a quick history for those of you that have thought or will think that YOU could challenge the mighty Falls. Thus far, 15 people have challenged going over the Falls either with just the clothes on their back, kayaks, or barrels. All dumb ass options if you ask me. I would go over in a blimp. But on with the results. Of the 15 daredevils, an astounding 11 survived. So, go for it! Odds are mathematically on your side buddy. And some other data (which is quite hard to accurately gather through research for some reason): About 12-15 people annually commit suicide there and the Falls has been responsible for killing approximately 7200 people according to some reports. Well, +1 I presume.