Modesty in the Classroom

In today’s over-sexualized society, some school official are trying to bring some decorum and learning back to the classroom.

When I was in junior high, there was a strict dress code. This was not a religious mandate; the administration felt it was necessary in order to create a serious academic environment. Boys’ shirts needed to be buttoned all the way. Girls were forbidden to wear floor-length dresses or skirts (it was the early seventies, the era of the granny dress!) and any young lady caught wearing make-up was immediately sent home to wash it off.

So the recent story of a junior high in Petaluma, California that has instituted a ban on girls wearing pants that are “too tight” and distracting the boys struck a familiar chord.

In today’s “anything goes,” over-sexualized society, some school official are trying to bring some decorum and, dare I say it, learning back to the classroom.

And boy, are they getting attacked for it.

The arguments are not new – as Yogi Berra would say, “It’s déjà vu all over again.”

“Why should we have to dress differently just because the boys are distracted?” runs the tired yet familiar line from parents and teens. “Let them just control themselves.”

This line of reasoning disturbs me on two accounts.

One is the attitude of the parents, the experienced grown-ups in this scenario, the ones who are supposedly guiding their daughters to adulthood. What message do they want their girls to convey about who they are? How do they want members of the opposite sex to view their young daughters?

“If you don’t want to be treated like an object, don’t dress like one.”

Yes, everyone needs to learn self-control. But basic human nature can’t be changed. It boils down to a simple idea that can’t be repeated often enough. “If you don’t want to be treated like an object, don’t dress like one.” It’s not sexism; it’s reality.

The other issue I have with the defiant response of the parents and their offspring is that it sets up an ‘us versus them’ dynamic rather than encouraging a spirit of cooperation.

Let me reiterate: Yes, boys (and men) need to exercise self-control. But we live in a world alongside boys and men. Most of us have people we love who are boys or men – fathers, brothers, sons and husbands. We want to make it easier for them to function and even thrive in this world of ours. We don’t live in a vacuum. We can’t dress with complete obliviousness to our impact on men (and the truth is that most girls wearing “too tight” pants are not oblivious at all!).

And before you attack me in the comment section, please get this straight: I am not saying the boys are not responsible to learn self-control. They are! This is a two-way street. But I am saying there is something we women can do as well, and it’s not just for the boys’ sake, it’s for our girls’ sake as well.

After all, we want to teach our daughters self-respect and a focus on their inner selves. We also want to teach them to appreciate and understand the men in their lives.

When they get married, our daughters won’t want their husbands staring at another woman in those pants. And their husbands won’t want another man staring at their wife.

Junior High isn’t too early to teach this lesson and to encourage a sense of self among males and females that reflects character and not physicality. Let’s get the “too tight” pants, “too short” skirts, “too provocative” blouses out of the way so that their true beauty can shine through and the serious learning can occur.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

Visitor Comments: 20

(17)
Samantha,
May 17, 2013 2:12 PM

dress code

I agree in part that schools should institute a dress code. Where we diverge is the reason why. Schools are supposed to prepare boys and girls for life and a career. Learning to dress in a manner that would be appropriate if one was employed should be the message of a dress code. To imply that it is only boys who find "too tight" clothing distracting and provocative is to deny that girls are also distracted by boys who wear items of clothing such as tight jeans or shirts. The implication that "nice girls" don't notice the sexual attraction of boys in "provocative" clothing is oppressive to girls and women.Why not accept sexuality as a natural occurance and stress presenting a professional appearance in the dress code and let the hormones take care of themselves instead of trying to have schools teach a particular moral code that should be left up to the parents .

(16)
shira,
May 2, 2013 6:35 PM

that's what's in the stores!

20 years ago you could not find styles like these in the stores.But stores sell what people want to buy, and they want to buy what's NEW. So the clothes get tighter and spandexier, and cut lower. Have you ever tried to find a long skirt in a small size? almost impossible in chain stores. maybe we need the subsidize modest clothing production the way we subsidize public TV, before it entirely disappears.

(15)
Anonymous,
May 2, 2013 3:11 AM

Another thing I'd question is - what logic is there in banning floor-length dresses? I understand they were in fashion at the time and could have caused a distraction, but if you want modesty in a classroom, why make girls wear shorter skirts?

(14)
Marion,
May 2, 2013 3:07 AM

How do you define the provocative? Pants that are 'too tight', skirts that are 'too short', blouses that are 'too provocative'. Yes, some blouses/skirts/pants are designed to be provocative, but the spectrum is very broad. For example, most schools require girls' skirts to touch the ground kneeling - a particularly conservative teacher may take offense to even that. Some teachers may not mind a top button of a blouse undone if it's hot. Others would hate it. As for the 'tight pants' rule - How exactly do you define pants being too tight? It's based on personal opinion. For example, I ride a motorbike. My special motorbike jeans are quite tight, and they look tight. I wear them for protection in case of an accident. Not particularly provocative. If you went to the extreme end of the spectrum, as mentioned in comment 11, in some Muslim countries, women can't wear high heeled shoes because 'they provoke men'. Why not have a flat code of conduct for faculty AND students and teach the men some self-control - who knows, "Her clothes made me do it" might actually not be tolerated anymore as an excuse for rape.

(13)
Moshe R.,
April 29, 2013 4:15 PM

Totally

Totally agree with this. Sadly schools at least the ones in Florida don't enforce their dress code. Back in 09 when Osceola schools started mandating uniforms it really didn't solve the problem. Since dudes would buy XL size or put a shirt on top of it, and even though the school would just give them a "Referral". I also agree girls need to wear more modest clothes. There should also be a law against dudes wearing tight pants since that can cause problem in the future(Hopefully you know what I mean), but I gotta say what a good read. Schools are just getting worse, and worse.

(12)
Mohiuddin,
April 29, 2013 5:51 AM

I appreciate your writing

You've rightly noted all the points about school dress and your comments, opinins are highly appreciable.

(11)
Michy,
April 29, 2013 1:19 AM

Once again, the onus is entirely on the girls

Cmmented #6 had it right - it's about appropriate attire for the situation. One wears (or should) different clothing for school, house of worship, the gym, and going dancing. It's not up to the girls to cover themselves so the boys don't have dirty thoughts. The boys will find another way have have the thoughts and blame them on the girls. Look at the Arab world - women have to wear headscarves and abayas so as not to provoke the men, in some countries, women's shoes were too provocative because they made noise and made the men think sexual thoughts.

(10)
Anonymous,
April 29, 2013 12:17 AM

I agree that both girls AND BOYS need to dress modestly and conservatively for school. They also need to express themselves without using four letter words. However, we must also require the faculty to dress modestly as well. Let's start treating schools like a place of business. With that said, I am not at all against having girls wear pants to school. I just think that parents and students need to use common sense and good judgment. If a student or faculty member wants to dress in an ultra casual manner, let him/her save that style of dress for a weekend.

(9)
AC,
April 28, 2013 8:59 PM

I totally agree with you, Emuna! Great post!

(8)
eli,
April 28, 2013 7:16 PM

pre programmed

have u heard of the sales woman who told her boss that she needs a holiday , her sales figures were down and a holiday would restore her looks and gety the men to sign with out reading the fine print . what can us men do Gd programmed us to become aroused by female flesh , otherwise babies wouldent be born . abusing this can ruin the matrimonial happenings behind closed doors if he "learns to control himselfmaybe thats why the world needs viagra becos womans bodies are flaunted where they shouldent be , and therfore ineffective when they should be,

fay,
April 29, 2013 4:31 PM

Selfish, chauvenistic response!

"..ruin the matrimonial happenings BEHIND CLOSED DOORS...!!! You said it - the arousement should happen behind closed doors and that means that the sexy clothing etc. should be behind closed doors!!!

(7)
SusanE,
April 28, 2013 5:30 PM

Wow things have changed.

I agree fully that girls can do better about how they dress in the classroom and out of the classroom. - - - - When I was in high school the girls whose dresses looked too short were made to kneel on the floor and if the hem didn't touch the floor, the dress was too short and she was sent home. Girls didn't wear pants. The boys were pretty much unregulated as long as their hair didn't touch their collar. A tee shirt was underwear and never worn alone. That was Public School. Catholic school had uniforms. I don't mind dress codes today in schools as long as the family can choose clothing instead of buying a uniform for their kids. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Modest womens' clothing to keep a mans' thoughts pure? Balderdash. They will simply look elsewhere. - - - - - -

I see girls today showing off their bodies and wearing totally vulgar choices in clothing. I want to tell them sweetie, you are better than that. You can demand respect while still looking attractive.

Julia Arango,
April 29, 2013 10:35 PM

girls should protect themselves

WhenI was in 6th grade we weren't allowed to wear pants or makeup. In 8th grade these were OK, but couldn't be too tight, and no low cut shirts. No hats for boys. I agree that dressing modestly doesn't prevent boys from thinking impure thoughts...abou other girls! I tell kids now that in this worls one way to protect yourself is to not flaunt what you got. Don't attract too much attentio of the wrong kind. Goes for boys too. Boys shouldn't wear sagging pants that reveal tush cleavage. ( I don't think girls find it sexy, they find it disgusting, especially in public.) In this world, you're jusged by how you dress. No,it's not fair, but it's the way it is. Anyway, dress codes are part of life in business, the military, and most aspects of adult life.

(6)
Anonymous,
April 28, 2013 5:25 PM

And what about boys' dress? It is always about the girls!

All students should be taught to dress in a respectable manner, both for themselves as well as others who look at them. Girls should not dress modestly to not provoke the boys, but should dress in a manner appropriate for a place of learning. Boys too, should not dress with pants hanging down, shirts out, torn jeans etc. for the same reasons; it is a place of learning which requires respectable dress so that all may be put in a mindset of learning, not play. It should not be the girls' responsibility to control the boys' responses, nor should it be the boys' responsibility to control the girls' behavior. That is what free will is all about. Because one makes you angry does not give one the right to hit them. In the same vein, because one arouses you does not give you the right to respond. Let's put responsibility where it belongs, on each individual to control one's own behavior and not blame someone else for one's lack of self control.

rachel,
April 28, 2013 6:01 PM

exactly0

In public schools, the equal protection clause applies. Accordingly, it is inappropriate for girls only to be required to dress modestly. Some reasonable requirements shold be in place for both genders

(5)
Frank Adam,
April 28, 2013 5:08 PM

Of course! Growing up involves learning limits

Teaching all subjects involves starting at chapter one each September - or whatever the date beyond "the West" - so why not with manners and etiquette?Each generation is going to try out pushing the limits of any code to find out how serious Society is about it and curiosity to see what happens if you do rattle the bars. Rules are for the obedience of fools [also beginners] and the guidance of the wise. Allegedly Shakespeare and Beethoven broke every grammar and music rule in the book somewhere; but they knew their subjects well enough to know the effect of breaking any one rule and could use that effect as necessary. The same goes for "modest clothing" and uniforms. One of the interesting side effects of girls education and women's careers is that their "town clothing" has followed men's clothing by simplifying into puritan plainness dropping bows jewelry and braid so that attention is held to the business and not to the sideshow of fashion. Just look at the clothing Mrs Thatcher wore at the start of her premiership and towards the end. When Gustavus Adolphus instituted military uniforms for entire armies, it was sensational - and his provost found it easier to identify and keep his troops orderly. School uniform or dress codes also puts some brakes on the fashionistas who make the immature from poorer families miserable. The current minx trick of Moslem girls in Europe to wear full yashmaks is "supremely modest" but it is a try-on tease as much as wearing a low neckline or short hemline. As for telling boys and men to control themselves, try telling girls and women to lay off extravagance on clothing or their chemist's shop cluttering travelling bags. You do not kick a football with a "gammy" leg, and you do not walk onto a modern battlefield in a white coat like the musket era French Army. Similarly it is sensible for girls to keep showing off to time and venues agreed for it such as dances and family celebrations.

(4)
Anonymous,
April 28, 2013 4:34 PM

Emunah made a really good point and she explained herself really well. I am a teenager and I agree with Emuna 100%.

(3)
ben Zalman,
April 28, 2013 4:03 PM

Ms Braverman is correct!

We live in a "anything goes" society as MS Braverman rightly points out. I cant believe some of the Garbage I see on TV..over sexed and cruel programs are all over our media airwaves. Remember, the kids are watching and imitating US!

(2)
Amichai,
April 28, 2013 3:37 PM

even more

I think you are absolutely right and would add the basic idea of learning to live within boundry lines.Ours is a world supposedly with out these border lines,this is untrue and misleading.Our children are being deprived of 1.derech eretz,being honorable to a code of rules 2.the creativety earned by having to think in general terms of borders.Its not only about dress codes it's about respect in general and honoring yourself and again living with so to speak limited boundries.A modern example of what happens when you have just "so many" resources in such small territory would be the state of Israel.Much creativity and knowledge on how to make the.most of what you have us learned here.Sometimes when "all us possible" noghing happens.Imagine if we were to live forever with an unlimited amount if money and resources,we probably wouldn't accomplish much because what can be done today could be put off till tommorrow or maybe 100 years from know.Knowing our limits and limited life together with a free creative mind,is what pushes us to be creative and with G-D's help make things happen.We need to educate creativitey and teach limits and boundry lines.For the future in genersl and sprcifically for the future of our children's husbands and wives.May Hashem grant us all success

(1)
Haim,
April 28, 2013 3:11 PM

I would have emphasized a little more...

"(and the truth is that most girls wearing “too tight” pants are not oblivious at all!)"

I can understand that sometimes a girl/woman dresses immodestly because it's hot. But seriously, why are they usually dressing immodestly? Perhaps some of these defiant girls need to be asked this question.