How to Spot Your Imago

BY Johanna Lyman

Lila here~ I thought it would be helpful to share a little exercise developed by Harville Hendrix. It’s a great way to figure out what your imago is.
Your imago is the composite of all the important positive and negative traits of your primary caregivers when you were a child. He or she will appear to be the perfect match for you when you first meet; you’ll feel like you’ve known each other forever, sexual sparks will fly even as you feel very comfortable with them. Over time, they’ll be able to push all the buttons leading to “I’m unlovable” and “I’m no good”. They seem so familiar at first because they share primary traits with your parents (or whoever raised you). You’ll recognize the positive traits at first, then after awhile you’ll tease out the negative traits as well.
It’s helpful to understand your imago, whether or not you’re currently in a relationship. If you are in a relationship, you might be able to create new dynamics that are supportive and nurturing. If you aren’t in a relationship, you’ll have a better idea of what you’re really looking for and why. This will hopefully prevent you from going through more heartbreak as “the One” becomes your worst nightmare.
Take a piece of paper and draw a circle on it. Leave some space at the bottom of the page to write a few sentences. Draw a line across the center of the circle. On the top half of the circle, write all the positive traits you can think of about your parents and anyone who influenced you as a child. Circle the traits that had the most impact on you growing up. As you do this, think back to what they were like when you were a child, not what they’re like now.
On the bottom half of the circle, list the negative traits of these key people from your childhood. It’s not necessary to write their names with the traits, just write out everything that pops into your head. Again, circle the traits you thing affected you the most.
This list represents your imago. Does it seem familiar?
Underneath the circle, write and complete this sentence: “What I wanted most as a child and didn’t get was…”
Next, write and complete this sentence: “As a child, I had these negative feelings over and over again: ….”
Completing these two sentences will help you understand the needs you try to get your imago to fill for you, and the ways you sabotage yourself in relationships with limited (negative) thoughts. You can use a coach or a therapist to help you turn the negative thoughts to positive ones and to help you get your needs met on your own.
(exercise taken from Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D.)