The Bloggess » weekly rerunshttp://thebloggess.com
Tue, 31 Mar 2015 20:44:48 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.com/http://1.gravatar.com/blavatar/dbc683b4278890de96d0e55f313dfd87?s=96&d=http%3A%2F%2Fs2.wp.com%2Fi%2Fbuttonw-com.png » weekly rerunshttp://thebloggess.com
Ho ho ho. Green ballsack.http://thebloggess.com/2015/03/ho-ho-ho-green-ballsack/
http://thebloggess.com/2015/03/ho-ho-ho-green-ballsack/#commentsSun, 29 Mar 2015 14:20:05 +0000http://thebloggess.com/?p=24287Continue reading →]]>I was just wondering if the Jolly Green Giant was made of vegetables, because if so it seems sort of cruel to make him a spokesperson for eating vegetables. I looked it up and it urns out that the original Jolly Green Giant was neither “jolly” nor “green” and was actually some sort of angry caveman in a bearskin loincloth which just gave me more questions.

But I did find out that there’s an enormous, 55-foot statue of him where it seems like it would be almost impossible to not stare up at his ball sack. Then I was like, why am I thinking about the Jolly Green Giant’s ball sack? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? This is exactly why the internet is so dangerous.

But clearly I did not learn my lesson because then I looked at wikipedia to see if it could answer the question about whether JGG -and his Jolly Green Genitals- are made of vegetables and Wikipedia explained that the Green Giant came around in the 20’s in response to a new variety of pea that were “oblong, wrinkled and huge. Despite their size, they were tender, and had a special flavor and sweetness that couldn’t be matched.”

Also, the company originally used the brand name “Le Sueur”, which is french for “The Sweat.” Sweaty, green, oblong, huge, and wrinkled….but tender and with a special flavor.

I’m sorry. I can’t stop laughing and I’m not going to explain why if you’re not as messed up as I am.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the wonderful Chris Illuminati (yes, that is his real name) who just wrote a very funny but educational bad-ass book called The New Dad Dictionary— Everything He Really Needs to Know. I assumed it would be stuff I already knew since I’m a parent but then I got to the page about Baby Concierges and I was all, ‘WHAT THE SHIT? BABIES GET CONCIERGES NOW?” I didn’t even know that was a thing. If you’re a new dad, or about to become a new dad you should totally get this book. Check it out here.

]]>http://thebloggess.com/2015/03/ho-ho-ho-green-ballsack/feed/107thebloggessjollygreenballsacksid2Jesus. The google searches I’m going to get for this one…http://thebloggess.com/2015/03/jesus-the-google-searches-im-going-to-get-for-this-one/
http://thebloggess.com/2015/03/jesus-the-google-searches-im-going-to-get-for-this-one/#commentsSun, 22 Mar 2015 20:21:58 +0000http://thebloggess.com/?p=24103Continue reading →]]>Facebook just suggested I wanted to see a story entitled:

“Man arrested for breaking into funeral home to perform sexual act on female corpse”

My first thought was, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME, FACEBOOK. That is NOT the kind of weird shit I want to know about and I really don’t appreciate what you’re implying.”

My second though was a mental image of a man performing a strip-tease while standing on a corpse, but I’d guess that’s not what happened. I don’t know for sure because I didn’t click through. I think it’s the wording that I find confusing. That and, obviously, the fact that someone thinks corpses are hot. That last part goes without saying, I hope.

I just think we can find a better phrase than “perform a sexual act on.” There are too many variables and too much subjectivity. Victor says there really isn’t, but I’m pretty sure if people are performing on corpses we can’t really rule anything out.

Also, I’m giving serious thought to cremation and to scrawling “FILLED WITH RAZORBLADES AND LEPROSY” on my stomach each night, just in case .

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the talented Claire Ashby, who wrote When You Make It Home, which you should buy RIGHT NOW because today it’s 99 cents. That’s less than I pay…everything, basically. Synopsis: Meg Michaels, a bookstore owner, has already walked away from two cheating exes. She’s learned her lesson and has her mind set on success—until she gets knocked up. Embarrassed and unwilling to discuss her situation with friends and family, she wears layers to hide the pregnancy. Theo Taylor, an Army medic wounded in the war, finds out her secret and agrees not to reveal her condition. The two forge a bond of friendship that blossoms into love. But can their love overcome all the obstacles that stand between them and creating a happy family?Go right now and buy it.I just did.

]]>http://thebloggess.com/2015/03/jesus-the-google-searches-im-going-to-get-for-this-one/feed/55thebloggesssidplacesMy spoon is exhausted.http://thebloggess.com/2015/03/my-spoon-is-exhausted/
http://thebloggess.com/2015/03/my-spoon-is-exhausted/#commentsSun, 15 Mar 2015 17:46:21 +0000http://thebloggess.com/?p=22464Continue reading →]]>Conversation with my husband at one of those cooking stores for people who use more than one pot their whole life:

me: Holy shit. This spoon is ENORMOUS.

Victor: It’s not a spoon. It’s a spoon rest.

me: Because my spoons need to rest?

Victor: Seriously? You put it on the stove so you can put the dirty spoon you’re using to stir with on it.

me: So now I have two dirty spoons. I’m supposed to buy a spoon for my spoon now?

Victor: Sort of.

me: Baffling. And this is why I don’t cook.

Victor: Yeah. That’s why.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome: (I had a small breakdown this week, and the best cure for that is reading so all of these are books that helped me escape the hell that is my own head. If you hate books you should leave now.)

This is where I would put a link to another book but it’s not out and doesn’t have a publisher but if I can convince my friend to self-publish I’ll share because it’s fabulous.

This isn’t a book but are you watching The Jinx? Victor and I binge-watched it because we got so sucked in. The last episode is tonight. IT IS INSANE AND I DON’T HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO ABOUT IT.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the fascinating Cosmic Box. Cosmic Box is an inexpensive monthly released box, full of an eclectic mix of organic small batch food, organic artisan skin care, gems and such. It’s like a surprise present for your body, soul and home. The very first box ships out mid-May and all are curated by Kat Davis (also of wildhoneyapothecary) a holistic RN who has dedicated her life to the study of botanicals, gems and honey. 20% off all profits are donated to a different charity each month. Get yourself some cosmic awesomeness right here.

Most people would end that sentence with an exclamation mark, but honestly I wasn’t looking for a dog. I’ve said “no” to hundreds my daughter has begged for (and even a few I wanted myself) because it hurts too much to lose one. When Barnaby Jones died four years ago I said “never again“.

And then Hailey fell in love with this tiny dog. And then Victor fell in love with this tiny dog. And then I said, “No. Get it away from me.” But the puppy ignored me and curled up in my lap as Victor explained that this dog was practically medicinal, and is well-suited to being an emotional support dog, which he thinks might help with my anxiety disorder.

So I said yes…and it was very sweet to watch her frolic with Hailey, but my heart is still broken from dogs so I kept my distance. (Much like Hunter S. Thomcat, who was similarly reserving judgement, as you can see below.)

Then last night she whimpered as she was put in her crate, so I moved her next to my bed and put my hand on her until she was comforted enough to sleep. I told myself not to look, but at midnight I turned on my phone so I could use its glow to check on her.

She’d curled into a small, content ball and the odd markings on her side smooshed together to make a tiny perfect heart. Well, not perfect exactly, as a small line broke the heart in the middle.

Then, as I watched, she snuggled up tighter and the heart became whole. And she was mine. And vice-versa.

So now we need a name. These are the contenders to far:

Dorothy Barker

Louise L’Amour

Lola

Little Sheba

Happy

Valentine

Rabbit

Charlotte

Penelope (pronounced PEE-nuh-lope)

Rocket

THE MONARCH

Little Edie

Bunny

Dixi

Gracie

PS. I just read that Marie Antoinette had a papillon and carried it all the way to the guillotine as a comfort to her. Conclusion: I think Marie Antoinette invented the first emotional service dog, and look how well things worked out for her.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by CAMP TxSC, a weekend retreat for lady bloggers and business owners with a focus on networking, renewing creativity, and eating a crop ton of s’mores. Plus, I’m a keynote speaker which means these people have made the questionable decision to give me a microphone. Register now and use code BLOGGESS for 25% off until Feb. 1.

]]>http://thebloggess.com/2015/01/its-how-the-light-gets-in/feed/611thebloggesspuppyheart3sid“Are cannibals always mermaids?” It’s what we’ve all been wondering. Apparently.http://thebloggess.com/2015/01/are-cannibals-always-mermaids-its-what-weve-all-been-wondering-apparently/
http://thebloggess.com/2015/01/are-cannibals-always-mermaids-its-what-weve-all-been-wondering-apparently/#commentsMon, 12 Jan 2015 00:39:12 +0000http://thebloggess.com/?p=23875Continue reading →]]>You know when you google something and it autocorrects to EXACTLY what you want? No, you don’t. Because that doesn’t happen.

Like when I was trying to figure out if women were ever cannibals, or if it’s more of an all-male profession and Google was all, “I’LL HELP YOU!”

First of all, you are not going to guess what I’m googling based on just the word “Are”. Secondly, who is googling “Are you here?” What are you expecting as an answer?

Then I kept typing and this happened:

Google: “Oh, my bad. You were looking for something else, obviously. I’ll just let you finish -WAIT – IS IT, “ARE CARROTS GOOD FOR DOGS?“”

OMG, stop it, Google. They aren’t even called “Candy Corns.” What is wrong with you?

No. Just… I didn’t even mean to type that “H” and you’re all “You know who’s a cannibal? Hamsters and hillbillies.” That’s so out of left-field. Where are you getting your information?

First off, albinos are not cannibals and why are you even saying that? Frankly, it’s offensive. And your fifth suggestion is “we are all cannibals”. Because I don’t think we are. Same for hamsters and hillbillies and albinos. Just stop making assumptions.

Who is teaching you this?

My God, Google. Who did this to you?

You know what, Google? The first one? I’ll give you that. But then you move straight to “Are cannibals always meerkats“. Is this what you’re doing with your time? Is this the question you think we’re asking?

Someone hurt you, Google. Someone hurt you.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-awesome:

Remember last week when I mentioned the woman leading a troop of girls at a local homeless shelter? So many of you donated to help her with meals and supplies, and have you see it now? Because you should.

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the fantastic Crumple + Toss. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and you know what that means: a bunch of ugly, lame cards that offer no acceptable sentiment for your special someone! HOORAY! Crumple + Toss to the rescue! Even if you want to just tell a friend they rule so hard. No one said we had to sit in front of Netflix with oreos alone, y’all. (My personal favorite.)

This is a disjointed post as my is family here for an early Christmas since my dad will be manning his taxidermy shop on actual Christmas. Because nothing says “Happy birthday, Jesus!” like being elbow-deep in a warm deer.

My friend , Joe Baden, surprised me with an amazing illustration he made for me this week:

And it’s perfect because at first I thought it was me fighting Godzilla, but then I looked closer and realized it was more like Godzilla and I are on the same team and he’s totally got my back. As if I was like, “LET’S DO THIS SHIT. LET’S SAVE CHRISTMAS AND TURN ALL GUNS INTO CHOCOLATE AND MAKE PAJAMAS FOR COLD SLOTHS!” And Godzilla was all, “Have you been drinking again? You’re in your pajamas and you’re armed with a blow-dryer. And it’s not even plugged in. Jesus, lady. JUST LET ME HELP YOU.”

That Godzilla is you.

If you’re part of the community. If you helped. If sent a word of kindness. If you donated, or plan to donate in the future. (Heifer and Project Night Night always need help.) If you were humble enough to ask for help, or selfless enough to pass on help to others once your needs were met. No matter what part you played, you are my Godzilla.

PPS. For those still struggling to make the holiday special for their children, or those who weren’t able to get their present delivered before Christmas here are a few ideas:

Go on youtube and create an entire playlist for them of songs that remind you of them, or that you know they’d love to hear. I made a playlist for Hailey and she listens to it over and over. It’s like the free mixtape of the future.

Get a pinterest account (it’s free), search it for the cool stuff they love, and pin those things to a board you made just for them. Motivational words, art they’d like, meme’s they enjoy, movies they like. I have one for Hailey and she loves to check it out because it’s all about the Star Wars and Night Vale and Doctor Who and funny animals, and it reminds her that I’m thinking of her. This is a mirror image of it if you want to see how it works. I keep the real one marked “private” so I don’t have to worry about her seeing comments 10 year olds shouldn’t read.

Go to the library and get a GREAT book you loved at that age. Then turn off everything but a single lamp and read aloud. Even now I love listening to my mom read.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the creators of THE KEGEL BEAR, an adorable children’s book about vaginal exercise. That sounds weird, but it’s actually quite genius, as outlined in the videoand also makes a fabulous baby shower gift. No bears or vaginas were harmed in the making of this product.

]]>http://thebloggess.com/2014/12/you-are-the-best-godzilla-ever/feed/107thebloggessbloggess joe badonmadebyroundtablecompanies 2Number one, I’m gonna need you to be honest here…http://thebloggess.com/2014/12/number-one-im-gonna-need-you-to-be-honest-here/
http://thebloggess.com/2014/12/number-one-im-gonna-need-you-to-be-honest-here/#commentsSun, 14 Dec 2014 18:16:15 +0000http://thebloggess.com/?p=23692Continue reading →]]>It’s been awhile since we’ve had a good poll so I thought I’d get your opinion on a question I often ask during uncomfortable silences:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by SilkWords, the go-to source for steamy interactive women’s fiction. Two formats are available: branched fiction (“pick your path”) and linear stories produced with reader participation. Holiday Cruise is the latest branched story. “Erin’s friends drag her on a weekend holiday cruise to distract her from a breakup. What erotic adventures await?” Click to find out.

]]>http://thebloggess.com/2014/12/number-one-im-gonna-need-you-to-be-honest-here/feed/130thebloggessmadebyroundtablecompanies 2Zazzle thinks I’m some sort of serial killer.http://thebloggess.com/2014/12/zazzle-thinks-im-some-sort-of-serial-killer/
http://thebloggess.com/2014/12/zazzle-thinks-im-some-sort-of-serial-killer/#commentsSun, 07 Dec 2014 22:54:17 +0000http://thebloggess.com/?p=23631Continue reading →]]>me: I wanted to make something new for my shop but all I’ve come up with is a shirt that says “This is where I keep my nipples.”

me: Ooh! And then you get your partner to wear a second shirt and that other shirt just says “Diarrhea.”

Victor: Um…I think you’ve gone too far.

me: No, it’s like having matching outfits, but less lame. And with more diarrhea.

Victor: That’s too much diarrhea.

me: Can you really ever have too much diarrhea?

Victor: Yes. Yes, you can.

I decided to just put all of these ideas up for sell and zazzle was like “Hey! Check out your designs on other products!” and I was like, “I don’t think that’s a good idea” and Zazzle was like, “YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO IT.”

You’re making it weird, Zazzle.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

(Sketch by Ray Friesen)

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

“We are all monsters . . .” Lost in time, shrouded in dark myths of blood and magic, The Door in the Mountain leads to the world of ancient Crete: a place where a beautiful, bitter young princess named Ariadne schemes to imprison her godmarked half-brother deep in the heart of a mountain maze, where a boy named Icarus tries, and fails, to fly—and where a slave girl changes the paths of all their lives forever. If you like awesome Greek mythology then you should check it out here.

]]>http://thebloggess.com/2014/12/zazzle-thinks-im-some-sort-of-serial-killer/feed/63thebloggessdiarrohgodSketch by Ray FriesenI think spellcheck just broke up with me.http://thebloggess.com/2014/11/i-think-spellcheck-just-broke-up-with-me/
http://thebloggess.com/2014/11/i-think-spellcheck-just-broke-up-with-me/#commentsSun, 30 Nov 2014 20:23:52 +0000http://thebloggess.com/?p=23560Continue reading →]]>There’s this girl online named Gemma Correll who draws pictures of cats and pugs and anxiety and stuff, and when I saw her illustrated map of an introvert’s heart I was like “Yep. It’s just like this. Except add more twitter.”

…but spellcheck was like “‘Friends?’ Nope. I don’t think so.” And I thought, “Am I spelling ‘friends’ wrong?” so I clicked on it and spellcheck was like, “Maybe you should look up ‘friends’ because you keep using that word and I don’t think it means what you think it means.”

So then I was like, “Fine, spellcheck. I don’t what your deal is but if it makes you happy I’ll look it up,” and spellcheck was like, “Great. Because it means this: It means you’re asking someone to like you who isn’t even related to you.”

…and I was like, “Yeah. I already knew that. Why are you doing this? I can have friends.” And the spellcheck was like, “Yeah, you’re obviously not getting it. Why don’t I give you some suggestions?…

…Did you maybe mean ‘fiends’? Did you mean that you should be ‘fiends’ with this girl? Because that makes more sense.” And I was like “WHAT IN THE SHIT ARE YOU IMPLYING?” and spellcheck was like, “Well, I just…I know you. And I’m trying to help. Why don’t you just look up ‘fiends’ just in case?”

And then I was like “Wow. Thanks, spellcheck. I almost asked someone to be my friend when apparently what I really meant to say was, ‘Hey. Love your work. We should be THE DEVIL.’ Thanks for saving me from that near-catastrophe!” And then spellcheck was like, “Whatever. You don’t have to be sarcastic. I was just trying to help you.” And then I felt bad.

And then I wrote this blog post and it’s basically one terrible run-on sentence but spell-check isn’t saying anything about it so I’m pretty sure that means spellcheck isn’t speaking to me anymore. I think we’re in a fight and I suspect spellcheck is breaking up with me. Hopefully we can still be friends fiends.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

I spent hours making this strange collage and I have no idea why but I like it but now it’s a shirt.Also available in black.

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-awesome:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week‘s wrap-up is brought to you by the fantastic Kelly Exeter at A Life Less Frantic. If 2014 hasn’t treated you very well, then her short and sweet little book Your Best Year Yet can help turn things around for you in 2015. She’s so confident of this, she’ll give you your money back if it doesn’t happen. I bought a copy myself this afternoon and I’ve already underlined a few parts that I really needed to hear. You should check it out here.

]]>http://thebloggess.com/2014/11/i-think-spellcheck-just-broke-up-with-me/feed/96thebloggessgemmacorrellg6g4g3g2g1SID3EVERY day is Cat Dayhttp://thebloggess.com/2014/11/every-day-is-cat-day/
http://thebloggess.com/2014/11/every-day-is-cat-day/#commentsSun, 23 Nov 2014 17:25:27 +0000http://thebloggess.com/?p=23347Continue reading →]]>Apparently National Cat Day was October 29th and I missed it, so I guess that explains why Ferris Mewler threw up in my shoe. In my defense, it was justWorld Cat Day in August. Why do cats need so many days? No clue. But to make up for whatever I did to offend the cats I’m sharing the pictures I took of Ferris Mewler, who was ignoring me badly in spite of the fact that he would starve without me:

Is it just me or is he flipping me off in that last picture? Because I think he is.

This is exactly why people prefer dogs, Ferris.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):