I Speak Your Weight, No Coach Parties Please

As supermarkets have now had time to introduce a new voluntary initiative which was bound to work seeing as its voluntary, involving the voluntary labelling of food for health purposes, even though they haven’t agreed on a common design yet it is definitely going to be done sometime next year maybe, today’s blog aims to bridge the gap and inform but not finger point at yet another attempt in a balanced way.

Food should be fun, after all we are told that eating carb laden salty ridden breakfast cereals or drinking the equivalent of sixteen cups of sugar in one sitting should have us all skipping to work no matter our body shape or size so with that in mind I can reveal the governments new fun facts traffic light system designed to make food fun and informative.

First of all lets forget all the recommended daily allowances, after all they were created when we had to go out of our cave and bash a few dinosaurs for dinner, chasing a T-Rex all day burned up a lot of energy but there was no television. In today’s world we have plenty more to do than chase the odd dinosaur such as sitting at a desk or maybe going to the kitchen to make a sandwich which all burn energy, did you know you burn one calorie every minute doing nothing? Probably. So due to our excessive calorie burning we have less energy, don’t chase dinosaurs and so need to eat until we feel full. It all makes sense now doesn’t it?

So as you can see our new pie chart traffic light fun facts tells you what you want to know in a glance. We have used green to tell you it’s fine, eat as much as you want, orange indicates that it goes well with chips by identifying salt content in relation to an average bag of chips and we don’t use red as it puts people off buying stuff. Fill your trolley safe in the knowledge we have done all the hard work for you.

KNOW YOUR FOOD

Only one of these will make you fat and cost more than any of the others, which is it?

The correct answer of course is C, fruit and vegetables are some of the most expensive products in the supermarket and even worse they come raw and get this, you have to combine them and cook them yourself. But let’s delve a little deeper and find out why a humble carrot is fattening.

It’s all to do with the letter C and colour, lets take the, one at a time…

A – Cake – It contains a C at the beginning so is safe to eat in large quantities, it’s that healthy that supermarkets place them everywhere around the store to help you select the right cake.

B – Chocolate – It contains a C at the beginning again so handy healthy bars are situated at all supermarket tills for ease, at Christmas you can buy healthy strips of chocolate in yard lengths, these are handy and I recommend one of these to be taken daily as it contains large quantities of calcium, that’s milk to me and you, plus chocolate makes you feel happy according to surveys funded by chocolate manufacturers.

C – Carrot – BEWARE Although it starts with a C it’s coloured orange as a warning. Carrots come from underground where they are exposed to soil and worms. Would you eat something that had touched a worm? I didn’t think so. Rabbits eat them and they have big ears and live underground because they are ashamed, carrots taste a bit like soap too or so I’m told by the microwave food manufacturers who have to use them in their meals after lobbying by ‘healthyists’. To prevent you accidentally tasting carrots they recommend you overcook them out of existence in your microwave after they have precooked the hell out of them in the factory. Fruit is also a member of this family and they live with birds in the trees and we have all seen bird poop, Urgh!

D – Ice cream – Double bonus, it contains two C’s and comes in a variety of colours and flavours. The benefits of ice cream cannot be denied as it can be served with that other super food, chocolate, giving ice cream a coveted triple CCC rating. Manufacturers make sure they are in handy portion sized tubs and recommend you eat one at each sitting, they can even aid midnight munchies and require no preparation like dirty vegetables.

E – Spam – This is a trick one, at first glance it doesn’t fit any categories but think about it, it comes in a can and cans start with C so anything in a can is healthy and you can find such delicacies as jellied chicken, hot dog sausages and even a breakfast!

F – Pizza – This one should be obvious, the addition of cheese, there’s that healthy C again, adds calcium whilst the fact that it can be cut into triangles allows for portion control. Pizza is one of the most versatile foods and helps a balanced diet by bringing together carbs in the dough for energy, cheese for healthy bones, tomato sauce for taste and twenty six types of processed meat toppings for protein and vitamins. They may be animal vitamins injected earlier to stimulate meat growth but they never did me any harm. Moo. Pizza should be served with garlic butter bread as garlic has health giving properties and the double carbs washed down with a sugary can of pop is an ideal way to fill up and fit up in one sitting.

WHAT DO I NEED TO DRINK?

Health experts recommend three litres a day of liquid. In real terms that means eight cans of fizzy pop, avoid the sugar free variety as its just flavoured water with very little value for money, go for expensive brands to guarantee you get that sugary hit. Engine oil or a little lard mixed in boiling water helps aid digestion and allows that extra sausage roll to slip down a little easier.

IS MY SHAPE HEALTHY?

Look at the government approved chart and decide on your body shape, use the list below to find out the shocking truth.

1. Absolutely perfect, you bulge in all the right places showing a sustained steady intake of fat, sugar, salt and calorie laden goodies with a disproportional body to head shape. Keep it up!

2. OMG, eat something quick. With little or no fat you will constantly feel cold and your muscle tone will look unattractive to members of the opposite sex. You will be considered a freak and shunned by the public, occasionally you will find like minded people herded into groups at so called gyms. You obviously lack all the daily nutrients required, eat dirty food like vegetables and have no sweet tooth you poor thing. There is hope though, start increasing your chocolate and pork pie intake gradually over the next year and I guarantee in twelve months you will be well on your way to a fuller healthier rounder figure and no longer feel an outsider.

3. Curvaceous and bubbly your favourite food is curlywurlys and quavers, a spot on sweet savoury ratio that should see you into maintaining that attractive figure well into your old age.

4. A quality figure taking a leaf from that peculiar triangular quality street shape. A heavy bottom gives you your own portable sofa and you find you can be comfortable sitting in any situation, especially when eating.

5. Way to go! Top heavy allows for some impressive fashion statements, clothes will hang rather than fit, exactly how designers intended and the extra bulk will strengthen your back while you walk.

6. Beach ball beauty, this seasons celebrity shape celebrating the best in booty. Eat plenty of butter, cheese and of course cream to maintain this sort after figure.

7. You are cock sure of yourself so stand up right and be proud of this seemingly stiff posture, don’t go to the gym or take any exercise at all otherwise you will imbalance your unique figure.

Now, to celebrate your new found knowledge you need to give yourself a new name to celebrate, so take your favourite food and add your first pets name to give you your Fit Name.

Today’s blog has been bought to you by Health Expert Chips Tiddles, president of the governments Fit Fat Program and Director of Massive Microwave Meals For Schools the leading suppliers of fried food for under fives