NEW YORK—In a discovery that has greatly expanded the scientific community’s fundamental understanding of oddballs, a team of anthropologists from Columbia University announced Friday the identification of 43 new species of weirdo residing within the New York City subway system.

MIAMI—As his trio of star players must soon decide whether to stay with the Miami Heat or test free agency, head coach Erik Spoelstra expressed confidence Friday that the team’s “Big Three” of LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh would opt to take a pay cut in order to continue playing under him. “It’s about more…

WASHINGTON—According to a Department of Agriculture study released Friday, the vast majority of U.S. farmers have recently finished squinting off into the horizon and are, at present, woefully kicking at the dirt. “Based on our research, we can confirm that 68 percent of American farmers are currently removing their…

CHICAGO—In a new study published this week in The American Journal Of Sociology, researchers reported that parents throughout the United States are increasingly opting to delay divorce until their children are old enough to remember each and every traumatizing detail. “What we found is that more and more couples are…

In order to prevent the posting of misleading information about medications, the FDA has proposed social media guidelines requiring drug companies to post both the benefits and risks of a drug, which experts say effectively limits their advertising on Twitter and Facebook. What do you think?

Toymaker Mattel has unveiled its upcoming “Entrepreneur Barbie” doll, which comes equipped with a smartphone and LinkedIn account and was created under a partnership with eight real female entrepreneurs the company calls Chief Inspiration Officers. What do you think?

HARRISBURG, PA—While checking his phone shortly after arriving at work today, local man Scott Teresi was reportedly gripped by a sudden sense of abject terror upon noticing he had missed a call from his father at 9:09 a.m. “Oh, God,” said the petrified 31-year-old, who is said to have immediately and involuntarily…

CLEVELAND—Making his way toward the facility’s parking lot Thursday with nearly $40 in battery-operated purchases, local father Nick Kelsey conceded to reporters he was incorrect in his belief that he could make it out of the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo without buying his kids any light-up shit. “I went in figuring I’d…

YouTube has threatened to block music videos from independent labels that have not yet signed on to its upcoming subscription service, YouTube Music Pass, meaning that many indie musicians could be blacklisted from the streaming service. What do you think?

NEW YORK—A study published Thursday by the McKinsey Global Institute confirmed that American citizens lead the world in the ability to justify needless purchases, a finding that extended across all consumer categories, from electronics, to food items, to motor vehicles. “When it comes to rationalizing a third…

PITTSBURGH—In an unprecedented encounter with a culture heretofore shrouded in mystery, Northco Logistics customer service specialist Ryan Barlow reportedly established historic contact Wednesday with the people who work on his office complex’s fourth floor. “I met this guy Kevin who said they’d been having the same…

The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, a formerly al-Qaeda–aligned organization known by the acronym ISIS, has been seizing cities in Iraq, carrying out mass killings, and marching toward Baghdad. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the Sunni Islamist militant group that is suddenly at the forefront of…