Discover what happens after the break-up

Maintain and know your Values

In my last entry I wrote about the trip to Vegas Tina is taking.It was more a rant than anything profound, but one response has made me decide to write about something I was putting off.I’ve been relying on my friends to help me through this time.One friend has been talking to me a lot and has been a tremendous help.He has also focused our conversations on areas where I messed up.Specifically, and why I bring this up now, is that he thinks I made the mistake of compromising my non-negotiable items, as he calls them.

In many books they term it as knowing your values and following them.If you value honesty, then that means you should not date a liar.Now of course that is easy to accept and agree with, but its never that simple with everything.When you use the word values, it usually brings a sense of moral high ground that people can agree that you should not compromise.But not all things that are important are value based.That’s why my friend calls it non-negotiable items.Things that you either must have, or will not tolerate in a relationship.Knowing these things helps you pick those to engage a relationship with, and those to avoid.The problem is very often we don’t follow them, or will be talked out of them because we are told they are not reasonable.I, myself, feel this way at times.But my friend has a different view, one that says it does not matter what others think or if its reasonableor not.All that matters is that it is non-negotiable to you. My friend for instance does not like pets.He was not going to have a dog or cat up in his house.So when he met his wife, they talked about it.He didn’t tell her to get rid of the dog, but he made it clear that he wasn’t gong to have no animals in his house.Now I thought that that was a bit strident, I mean he could be missing out on the woman he needs over a dog.He is view: if she’s the woman for me, she’ll realize her husband or husband to be is more important than some dog.If she didn’t, well they would not be together.

In my case, my friend felt I compromised on one of my negotiable—actually two in his view.One, loyalty is important.She was not loyal to me and showed it by hanging with an ex—that still wanted her—four times in 7 years.The last one being at dinner and a club; while engaged.A loyal woman would not do that.Two, I don’t believe it is appropriate to spend time or talk with on a regular basis with an ex-boyfriend.I think that is wrong and dangerous.After it became apparent that she was going to continue to do that, my friend said I should have left, or just stayed around for “fun” only.

I never looked at it that way. I always thought that she did not believe it was wrong because, she just thought I wanted my way. I thought that once a counselor told her that it was inappropriate, she would get it. But I was not being honest with myself. Because as my friend ruthlessly pointed out to me. I told her it was not appropriate, her mother told her not to do, several of her male friends told her the same thing, and she went and did it anyway.And I stayed around.What can I say to that?

I don’t know what I can say to that. The larger point is that we all have non-negotiable items.There are things that we all should have as non-negotiables; like no abuse, cheating, etc. And then there are our own personal non-negotiables.For me, one of them might be I cannot be with someone who is willing to put their own fun above the needs of their mate.Maybe its I cannot take someone willing to put themselves in poor positions.Maybe Tina’s was that she felt that as long as she wanted to do something, I should have no problem, with it. Maybe she wants to do whatever she wants to do.

And this is where I part company with my friend.Because I believe there are things that people do that they shouldn’t be cause it leads to problems in a relationship.If you wish to be in a relationship, you cannot be hanging out with an ex BF or GF.You just can’t do it.Well, you can but the chances of you having a good relationship are slim.Where is that line between what is a reasonable nonnegotiable?And if you just say, “all that matters is that its non-negotiable for me” isn’t that the selfishness that we wish to avoid?

For my part I don’t know all my non-negotiable items. I never even thought in those terms.I have a list so far that I will share.I admit some are just surface stuff, because I have not really thought about them enough.But here are a few.

1.No smoking

2.No tattoos

3.Multiple piercings(I admit a belly ring is mad turn-on though) J

4.No drug use-that includes weed

5.I love kids, but five kids by five different men may be a bit much

6.A past murder would be a deal breaker

7.Loyalty

8.No unresolved past relationships—I.E. YOU DON’T HANG WITH AN EX

9.A person with close friendships of 5yrs or more is important-I’ve found thru pain that if a person cannot maintain at least one friendship over many years, they do not know how to maintain a romantic relationship.

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5 Responses

I TOTALLY agree with your friend about the non-negotiables. I also agree that we tend to overlook them when fixated on other qualities we like…

My Pastor once provided me with a great resource for preparing for a relationship. The book mentioned how important it was to list desired qualities and the non-negotiables. That way, we must be true to ourselves when we meet somebody who starts to break our “non-negotiable” list.

Book: Single, Married, Separated, and Life After Divorce by Myles Monroe.

I read the older version, but another edition came out later which I haven’t read. Apparently the update goes into more depth on a few of the topics.

The book touched some of the right nerves after my divorce, along with friends, family, and other resources that convinced me that getting up and getting over was a better idea than prolonged lament.

I can say one thing…. children do sometimes save your life. I was forced to be strong for my 2 young sons (one was 4, the other 11). Without them, I can’t imagine how my dark period would have been – possibly deeper, darker, and lasting longer.

I had quite a few people tell me that they never suspected I was going through a divorce, because I was just as helpful, friendly, and strong as I had always been. I was surprised to hear that and could only attribute it to (1) faith and (2) children who needed a mother who could endure.

Yeah, I don’t have kids. But I miss the kids in her famiyl something fierce. I usually get the newest Disney film that comes out on DVD and go watch it with her nephew. He always tells his mom, “no don’t buy that, Joe is getting for me.”  But when Bolt came out, I didn’t, and cant’ and I can’t imagine what they are told my little buddy. The release was the same week as his birthday, and I know they had a big party with all the kids. I of course was not there, and did not feel good that week. The only consolation I have, and a weak and immature one I admit. Is I know she did not go to it either. I think she was scared of the kids asking for me. She never misses it so I can only assume that’s the reason why.

Yeah. That may speak to the truth that she’s going through something too over the breakup. Truth is, even the person leaving (or the one that did wrong) really does have a hard time. Tina may even be experiencing some guilt. Thankfully, none of that actually matters in your process of moving on.

I see what you mean about children in the family. You don’t get to see them again or share milestones in their lives. Thankfully, you also don’t have to pay child support or continue to deal with the “baby mamma” who left you. LOL

Okay, back to being serious.

I really missed my in-laws when my ex-husband left. He also had two teenage daughters who I loved and treated like my own.

And guess what? One just got married and asked me to plan her reception. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. She’s still like my own, and I’m so proud of her. We keep in touch often.

Her father and his new (third) wife didn’t even show up. (that’s a whole other discussion). I’m way off track, but I guess I’m saying biological children leave a promise of future contact that makes the breakup an interesting thing to manage. I’m sure you already know that, but I’m coffee-less and rambling. hehe