Monday, December 12, 2011

It’s not as fresh in my mind anymore, but still clear. N I've less emotions in the way of the truth, so words are flowing to me a lil easier too.

Basically, I went into the night with such high hopes for all the best outcomes of a situation I thought had such potential. I wasn’t about to homewreck, but I wanted to be friendly to T__ n just reciprocate whatever he put out for me, and if history repeats itself, then he'd be extremely sweet, affectionate, allover me. I wanted that. I wanted just that. And in my fucked up lil head I justified that if that was the case, then I wouldn’t be homewrecking cos it meant he didn’t have genuine, deep feelings for the girl in the first place, n that he was coming onto me n not the other way around. I did want to tell him though, to just tell him straight up that I did have feelings for him, but that I understood he had already “moved on.” Woulda said that I just thought he deserved to know…but watta bitch move right? Why would anyone do such a shitty thing, to acknowledge someones progress but try to pull em back. Then again, it wouldn’t have mattered cos he doesn’t have any feelings for me anymore, right?

(Y____ calls me huffy for all this lol.)

Uugh. I feel stupid just thinking about this ish.

Best case scenario that I kept hoping for, was so pathetically confident about, was that T__ n I would spend a lot of the night together, just enjoying each other’s company n being at least half-honest about what feelings were or were not there. That’s it. I’m a stupid lil hoe, for wanting him to just miss me and realize that she's not good for him. It's just so fuckin selfish of me to want him now, regardless of the situation…if I didn’t already know about the girl, then in my defense, he initiated everything, gave me the signs that it would be okay to want to be with him. I keep thinking about the way he was to me just over a month ago when I was there, n about all the things he said to N__ like if I wanted to start over, or why she didn’t tell him I slept alone so that he could sleep in his bed with me. All said while he was with that girl. You don’t think like that when you truly care about your significant other, n when you do, you out yourself n the fact tha they're only around to fill your loneliness…but what do I know about their intentions right? N I cant even play dumb through all this…its not right…stupid stupid stupid. Get the fuck over yourselfffff, K__.

So the reality was…everything was different.

Dammit. I just feel like such a stupid fucking cockyass bitch...

I was all nervous but excited to see him. Then, when he's finally home, he pops into the kitchen where N__ n I are, n is half-surprised, half-idgaf to see me. So I say, “Hi, T__!” to which he just says, “Oh. Hey, K__,” before heading to his room…

Yeahh that’s cool…nice to see you too...

There was just barely any emotion to his tone or his expression. He looked exhausted from work, but even more exhausted to see me…

So that was disappoint #1.

#2. Dinner

Food's ready, so I knock on his door frame to get his attention. Door's already open, he's standing around on his phone but it's not a call. “Hey, wassup,” he says, mad nonchalant, barely any eye contact or attention. I tell him dinner's ready, he says he'll be there in a minute. I turn n leave.

He comes in in his pj’s, n lifts his shirt to scratch his chest or whatever. He has a biiiig fuckin belly…not toned…at all…N__ n I are both staring like, the hell are you doing, so he just laughs n says he's itchy…

Next, the three of us, him, me, n N__, are sitting at the table together n eating. It sucked. Just maddd silence. He was damn focused on his food, n not into carrying conversations. I asked him about work, n all he really said was that it was stressful, exhausting, n that he had a month off from classes but would probably take up more shifts at Microcenter. He said the side jobs were coming in though, which meant good money. If I wanted to hear more, I would’ve had to keep asking him questions, but I wasn’t digging the vibes so I basically stopped trying, settled for silence.

N__ n I had our own talks across the table though, at times as if he wasn’t even there. Meaning I just wouldn’t look at him. N__ wasn’t digging him either cos he was insulting her cooking. When he had his head down in his food, we'd exchange looks, stares that meant we acknowledged the weirdness happening, n that it was frustrating the hell outa us.

At one point, N__ n I were joking about me being a hooker like we always do, n T__ pops up n goes, “Hey, cut that out,” or "Stop it,” something like that…n I was kinda like damn, chill your tits dude, n N__ told him it was a joke. It reminded me of how bad he felt over the summer for making the same jokes, thinking he took em too far. N that reminded me of how little he understands of my humor, my personality.

Towards the end of the dinner, there was a cute moment…he grabbed the ends of my chopsticks, looked at them, looked back at his, n then said, “I knew it. You split the chopsticks wrong.” Our pairs were mismatched, but we each had the other’s half. “I have your half, n you have my half. 1 half plus 1 half equals a whole. So together with two halves, we have a whole. Half yours, half mine.”

N then when he finished his bowl of rice, the rice I gave him, he told me, “I had just enough rice. You know me so well.”

N__ was gone by this time, so it was just me n T__ in the kitchen. He was by the sink washing dishes already, so I tried to take my time n just eat slowly enough so that he wouldn’t wait around to wash mine too, but he did…I pushed him away though so that I could, n he didn’t handle me the way he did last time. He just let me do what I wanted, kept his hands back.

I don’t know. The energy n the interactions the whole night were just different. Felt as if he was firmly creating distance between us, keeping things less than platonic. Even when I brought a piece of fluff bread inches from his mouth, he took it with his fingers instead. I know that 2 weeks earlier had been Thanksgiving n that the girls whole fam had come over to eat the food he n his mom prepared. I also know that he wants their parents to have a sitdown dinner to really meet n talk, which pissed Q__ off bcos he doesn’t believe their relationship's legitimate.

Then when Chi T_____ was on the phone with N__, she said I should go sleep with him bcos the girlfriend wasn’t there!! It was pure coincidence though! N__ hadn’t told anyone that I had feelings for him, n also said that Chi T_____ just really doesn't like the girl either from all the things the fam tells her. Literally no one but T__ likes the girl, but here he is making shit serious.

After we were out of the kitchen, T__ went to his room, shut his door, n I went to N__'s. n that was it. I didn’t see him again for the rest of my time there.

In the morning though, when I was half-awake, I laid there in N__'s room, petting sushi while watching the cracked door with blurry eyes. I could make out that T__'s bedroom n closet door were open, the light was on. I could hear him moving around, rustling clothes. So I laid there, eyes half-open, laid there hoping on the tiniest chance that he'd come in, “wake me up,” n say bye before he went to work…he didn’t.

Like I said in an email to K__, it made me so sad to see him unhappy in my presence, or not unhappy exactly, but maybe emotionless? I don’t know, I got the opposite of what I expected, just like I deserved. I wrote that I woke up sad that morning, n the morning after, n the morning after again. Yeah, earlier this week, I felt like shit. For more reasons than just this, but it had a part.

.

Then Thursday night, D____…like the fuck is happening all of a sudden? We ended up fb chatting for I think half an hour til 1:30 am, n then I reeeeeally needed sleep n pce'd. I can't deny that I was high n loopy as fuck from the minute I saw his wall post to me. Every minute that he hadn't im'ed back, I was twitchy n shaky n buzzing with joy n happiness for his every word.

My godddd im a sucker! Sucha damn sucker for him!

But see, that’s the thing…I'm forreal unsure bout what this all means to me. I can't help but be so fuckin relieved n happy n thankful that he thought about me, but I don’t know what or how much that means for either of us. Feelings for him are still there, but much much subdued. I've taught myself to think of him less, for my own sake. Started wondering if I was forreal getting over that ish or just handling it differently.

I crave D____'s presence, appreciate so much that we talked n hopefully will keep in better touch now that our break's are almost here n he'll be around. He even asked about getting froyoyoyo...♥ (Still, it reminds me of all the empty invites he's ever made to me...) I love that this means were friends, but I don’t know if I should still bother pursuing for much more, or if I should even burden myself with the feelings that come with that want. Even now, I can't help but see “us” as a lost cause, but stay clinging to the hope that we're not. Since day one I've held tight to that hope...since day fucking one...

Still, at least I can call him a friend, n that's more than I could have ever (realistically) asked for. It's also not something I'm willing to risk now.

I honestly do think that my feelings for T__ haven’t completely gone out the window, hahah. But my emotional depths for D____ are over a year in the making (not counting all the other years that I've known him/thought he was the shit). They exist year-round no matter how shallow at times. I just can't help but still want what I've always wished for. Feel meh?

N you know what else is crazy? That all this craycrayshit is part of my wish, the one I make with every wishbone n numerous numbers on the clock, daily.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

This week was hell, commitment-wise and emotionally. I kept jumping from the extremes of the spectrum, which are downright shitty or straightup shitting rainbows, and then back to my normal state of living zombie. Most of the times though, I'm just chilling in my zombie mode, where I don't really feel much at all (which makes me unhappy, which is technically a feeling, but I don't wanna get technical right now...). As A__ said, we're just going through the motions. I should be used to this, but instead it's killing me right now. Sometimes, I just feel so dead inside that it scares me. Scares me. And when I get like this, and look in mirrors, I laugh at how much I hate what I see. Not cos I'm hating on my face n how ugly or unattractive it is, but bcos I don't look alive. It's downright depressing to look at myself, and I'm starting to hate that it's what everyone else sees, too. It's like I'm rotting. Hahahah, I'm crazy, aren't I? :)

When driving with ba on Friday, I pulled my first fucking hit-and-run... No idea how bad the damage to their side-view was, but it didn't sound good... Ours looks fine though. I'm going to hell, if I wasn't already. World, I am a female asian driver and deserve every stereotype you've ever made for me.

T__. I just feel so fucking stupid n unhappy, but this is everything I deserve.

He made the Dean's List, n hung the letter up on his fridge. ♥ Proud of him.

I love his slash N__'s fam so ridiculously much. Those parents break their backs like no others, but the mother's putting in her two-weeks soon. ♥ Thank goodnizz.

Friday night over at N__/Q__'s was so very fucking neededdddd! Love that woman ♥ She always makes me wanna better myself, like when we were couponing n cooking together. Girl's got maaaad skills. I gotta keep up!

We fell asleep to Glee on Netflix, plus Viet comedies that reeeeeally fuckin tested my linguistics. :( Happened again when we met the monk in Malden at Co Lan's. The terms and grammar he used were so complicated, all relating to complex topics like spirituality and recited in poetic ways slash the style of teachings. Could not for the life of me completely understand any of his stories. </3 Fuck my uncultured ass...

Burnt the first batch of cookies!!!!! Their oven was ridiculously strong n I'd never used it before... I feel so much damn shame when I create fucked up baked goods. I refused to let N__ feed any of the messed up ones to the fam! Not that the others were even perfect, since the oven flames were still so powerful they'd burn the underside of the cookies while the tops were still doughy.

I love writing on trains ♥ not in the graffiti sense though! (Still gotta do that at some point in my life!) I mean pen-in-hand-meets-notebook-while-riding-the-orange-line writing :)

Stole mad Vietnamese music, which I listened to on my slow way home. I wonder if the strangers sitting next to me could hear it hahah. Must've thought I was such a fob ♥

On the bus ride home, a car almost crashed into us, but our driver was smart n braked in time. Then we all applauded her for saving our lives. It was a sweet thing.

The kiddies ♥ I got to see them twice this week. I love em oh so much, it hurts most days. They're the funniest lil kids I know, I swear! Makes me so happy to see them, mess with them, feed them clementines, share gushers. N Gi Bon, my god </3. She tried to thank me for coming over this past month to visit them, but choked up. She was straight crying n didn't want me to see, so she ran over to the sink to do the dishes, n said bye from there. Didn't want me or the mother to see her face, although we already knew. But there was absolutely nothing to thank me for. Back in the car, the mother laughed about Gi Bon, her sister, crying over the kids, which kinda pissed me off. I thought about it later though, and all of a sudden realized, after years of struggling to understand why she does that, that it's a mental health tactic of hers. She's always been doing that, that laughing at serious matters to make em seem trivial. I don't blame her. You do whatever you need to keep happy, n that's exactly what she does... Me though? Bawled when I got home. I think I always cry after I see the kiddies n Gi Bon, but I don't mind. It feels good to just feel something, anything.

S________ n I are becoming biddiesss, yo! We had sucha coolass, crazy heart-to-heart last night. He told me he had mad respect for me cos one time (LISTEN UP, SASSY) S_____ told me to be in dresscode, so I spat back, "Wear a bra!" N apparently he just thought that was the funniest thing ever, n still remembers that one moment even though it happened last year. I was dyingggg cos I had no memory of that ever happening! I'm so happy S_____ n I have that kind of relationship though, where we can just happily shit on each other ♥

J_____: yeahhyou used to be soo happy

J____. It fucking bothers me how I feel like she doesn't give a shit about me sometimes, n only focuses on herself. I try to open up n just vent for a minute, but she takes it right back to herself. I listen to sooooo much of her shit, n give her advice n encouragement n just my full attention. She can't reciprocate half of that. After your friend rants about what's making them upset, who fucking says, "Moving on... the boy I met yaddahyaddah..." Fucking kidding me..?

My expectations for people are always too high or too low. I never learn to just stop expecting.

PSAT scores... I deserve a heavy pimpslap to the face. Did not make National Merit. Helloooooo to loans, baby...

All the school work, piling up... fuck.

I needa be on top of India trip forms... fuck.

Somedays, I'm proud of myself for taking care of this fam's paperwork. N then other days, I wish I didn't have to. But it'd be so fucking ungrateful of me to say so.

AFH bio to write... aaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhh I just wanna keep writing useless shit until my brain un-fucks itself, n then I'll get back to writing logical ish for school/work

D______ got fired..... :(

Y____'s hooooome n a changed babe!

A__, yoooo. I need more lunches with that girllllll. I hope she had fun Saturday night, but I don't know if she went or not. J_____ didn't make it sound so good... n I messed with him about his lil scandal hahah. It's really sad though... He only did it cos he felt pressured n inexperienced, cos people kept telling him "head is head"... :( gross. He doesn't find her attractive.

H_____ told me I've been a jerk to him this whole month.... EXCUSE ME, BITCH? WTF?!?! But all good, we still just chill now n then. I'm always wishing he was more reliable

Can't express how disappointed I was when people laughed at the HIV/AIDS stat announcement. Not fucking acceptable. Motherfuckerssssss. Things like these are what keep me from having pride for the hellhole.

B____ is fucking hilarioussssss.

Drove with the mother. It was unbearable. I'm done repeating the same mistake. I'm not driving with her again, ever, until I get my license. I was pissed n frustrated as shiet. Shoulda known that two bad drivers do not make a right.

She's been on n off my ass all week... it's makin me postal.

I broke out in hives twice this week, but N__ didn't notice when it happened at her place cos we were chillin in the dark n bout to sleep. It was a light reaction that time too. But fucking damn, it was so bad on Wednesday. Couldn't get shit done bcos my skin was burning. Everywhere.

Houston. Soon. Keep troopinnn.

Talked to A__ bout this a lil earlier this week... Been feeling hunger less n less. I feel like I should be worried, but I'm not. I like not being limited by one aspect of my health for once. It's weird, but I kinda like it. I ate a goodish amount at N__'s though. Kinda. Plus a lot of burnt cookies cos I hadda dispose of the evidence.

My sleeplessness hasn't been this bad in a looong while. From Sunday to Thursday, I'd lay down at 1:30 am or later, just to lay awake with my eyes closed till 6:30 am. Literally. My head's just always buzzing with so much shit that does not leave my thoughts alone for a minute. I'm drifting in n out of consciousness for hours, until I have to be fully awake to start another day. My body aches, gets stiff, wakes me up from my "sleep" cos I needa shift. Pure restlessness. It's fascinatingly exhausting.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Big contrast to today, yesterday was a fucking good day ♥ my first blood donation was a breezeeeee n I got to be there with y____ bcos her slot was when I was still hooked up. I couldn’t stop laughing cos she was making silly faces n nervous as hell n just freakin the fuck outttt. Before she was even giving, she was hyperventilating pretty bad n basically ready to cry! But she did so welllll n was done damn quick!

When Mr. Nguyen came in, he said, “k__! The whole nguyen clan is in here right now!” LOL

Honestly, I was pretty damn nervous too cos I was worried bout fainting, not reacting well, or worst, being deferred :( m_____ came with me, which was so sweet of her ♥ but she hadda sit far away from me cos they couldn't have people standing in the narrow aisle (nurses needed easy access to patients), n then she had class n left. I felt so bad tha she was forreal sitting there for 15 min waiting for me tho! I had no idea!

My blood test went fine (not anemic!!!), finding my vein was fine. All the nurses were so nice, n Martin Kimberly, the one who got me set up n everything was so good about my questions n taking care of me. I honestly couldn’t feel the needle inside my arm as I was squeezing the stress ball. It was all soooooo much less painful than I expected! So fucking easy! (But y____ said it hurt the whole time, especially the prick of the blood test n insertion...poor thanggg!) Seeing the needle just chillin in my arm was grossly amazing though. It just looked so clearly unnatural, n it didn't make sense to me how my skin n a thin layer of flesh was holding it in place n not letting any blood lose around the opening. The needle looked thickkkkk too. Reminded me of Requiem for a Dream, with all the nasty shots of the guy shooting up heroine into his open wounds. Yuck. Then he ends up getting his arm amputated. I hadda stop thinking bout that cos it wasn't a very good time to hahah.

The color of my blood, slash everyone's, was so opaque n dark too. So ruby. Kinda beautiful, but still a lil gross. Hahah, I wanted to watch Martin take the needle outa me, but didn't since he told me to look away! Plus, I didn't wanna make him uncomfortable!

For most of my process, I was laying facing Mr. Moore, n I swear his face did not change the whole damn time. It was badass, so I tried the same thing, but ended up smiling a lot! Shot him a thumbs up when he was done, n he nodded back :) I always wonder if he knows me as the girl who misses a lot of assemblies...or if he even makes the connection between my name n my face.

Goodnizzz, I was just so stressed bout getting lightheaded, nauseous, or fainting, thus cutting my donation short. That paranoia was the worst part of the process, but it was all silly :) although it was a liiiiil concerning when I'd try to get up or move after I'd been bandaged n Martin n another nurse would come to me reallll quick n ask me to just stay down! They were seriously so worried but I wasn’t even sure why! They hadn’t been that way with anyone else, n they did it 3 times. Lol all good though, I was just so happy that everything went smoothly :) n it was perfect the way the slots worked out, cos I got to just chill with apple juice n snackies n be there for y____ during hers. I think we've been noticeably closer since the weekend! N ohhhh damn I felt so bad when we were on our way out n I knocked her juice over a table thing in the front of the trailer! We flipped a shit, n were cleaning it up as sneakily as we could!

It's such an interesting, dumbfounding thing to think about, the concept of saving a single, much less 3, lives. Me, of all people hahah. It made me so happy to hear that n think, fuck yeah! I can do that! I mean, I know not every situation that requires blood transfusions are life-or-death matters, but to wonder about the possibility of dying bcos of a lack of immediate supplies, a lack of means…it's something so preventable. So what if it hurts, if im sore, if im tired? It’s a blessing to be alive n healthy, n a sin to be selfish.

I've known so many people who've received blood transfusions in surgeries, including chi h___ n ba noi. I might've had one when I was 3 too. But basically, I know n have seen how heartbreaking it is to be extremely sick, so why would I not help improve someones health if I have the option?

I just always feel that I don't give enough in my life. With all my blessings, I don't feel that I do enough to pay my dues, to truly deserve them.

Mr. W_____'s story in class about his newborn needing 3 blood transfusions in the first 24 hours of life, n the way he was choking up, was just amazing. Old people are so sweet.

More lil details: spilled ice cream in Ms. W_____’s car :( sometimes, h____'s sucha douche n doesn’t appreciate me. But whatever, hes not worth stressing. N the a2a hot pot dindin was sooooo nice :) then at night, even though I stayed up til 1:30, it was worth it cos I had some maaad funny convos tha jus added to the good mood I had going. Mostly l____, b____, n s_____. Yeah, Tuesday was a damn good day. Today was depressing, but tomorrow's a new start.

I woke up in pain, still sprawled on my bed n not understanding what was going on. So I get up n out to do my usual routine, but just straightening my spine to stand up was killinggggg me like a mofo n it scared the fuck outa me. I could feel shooting pain from my lower back, maybe even my tail bone area, n stomach cramps for no goddamn reason. I was nauseous from the pains. Every little movement that engaged my back killed. I was so confused at first n kept tryna shake it off, but it only got worse. I limped, hunched over, to the bathroom, brushing my teeth while leaning over because standing straight hurt too much. Made it up the stairs to shower, still not believing just how painful every movement was, from bending down to pulling my shirt off. I jus could not straighten my back out, like all the muscles n joints in my lower back resisted n refused to get into alignment without a fight. In the shower, the pain got to the point where I couldn’t even stand hunched over anymore, I just plopped down n sat there in the water, which was better but still sucked ass. Getting back down the stairs was terrible, everything I was feeling was just intensifying.

Told ma ba bout what was happening, slash however much I knew of what was happening, but that I needed to go to school for at least one period to meet Mr. Joe Bodanza n his polio patient flown from Vietnam (found out through a__ his name was Tuan...n on a side note, that clown found her damn phone!!!). I just wanted nothing more than to be able to be there for that one event, to meet them, that was all I wanted. The mother stuck salonpas on me n told me to wear her back band or something, which was a giant, wideass rubber band meant to hug my waist n back. So damn tight n uncomfortable. It straightened out my back for me but was making shit feelfucking worse.

Goddamn I had all my clothes on, I had that much determination to get to school, but I lost it when I was doing my eyeliner in the dining room, sitting in a chair in front of the mirror cos I couldn't stand. Just that, just sitting, was so fucking painful that it broke me. I didn’t understand why I was feeling so much muddafucking stiffness in my lower back that triggered pains with every movement n in every position. I gave up then, I was literally choked up from the pain n on the verge of bawling, struggling back to my bed. Limping, standing, hunching, sitting, were all struggles. I couldn’t even imagine how I was gonna get from the door to the car, much less from the car to assembly, n from assembly to acc, where I'd sit for who knows how long. It was seriously breaking my spirit just how crippled I was by god knows what that was.

I laid down at 7:13, flat on my back n even that was fuckin miserable. Ma told me ba already called the school, to tell them I wouldn’t be coming in, but ma reassured me that if I felt okay after laying down a few minutes, we'd see if I could make it. Deep breaths hurt. I texted y____ n n__. 7:15 n I was not feeling any better, n just wanted time to fly by to 7:25 to see how much 8 minutes could do. I open my eyes again right at 7:25 n I feel no change, couldn’t even sleep. N that was it. Told ma that I needed to stay home today. Opened my eyes one last time at 7:45, even though I'd already accepted that leaving was impossible.

I was gonna miss Mr. Joe n Tuan, the only reasons why I wanted to be at noballs today. But here I was, literally crippled in bed. I don't think I've had a day as physically miserable as today, not even the days after the walk for hunger, n that’s fucking saying a lot. Never have I felt so much torturous tightness in my back paired with crazyass cramps in my stomach n abdomen that were nauseating, made it hard to breathe, n had me wanting to full out sob from the pain. The fuck happened to me today...

One day was all they had at nobles, one day. Not even. One 40 minute block. All I wanted was to meet them, hear their inspiring stories of hope and pure warm-hearted intent and drive. I wanted to hear Mr. Joe himself talk about his commitment n dedication to Child Medical, n Tuan share his experiences as a Vietnamese victim of polio n receiver of Mr. Joe's charity. I just know they're amazing people, n I wanted this rare opportunity to personally connect with them so damn badly. What an honor n privilege it woulda been to be able to shake their hands, listen to their words, n just be in their presence. My god, it's been a very long time since ive wanted to go to noballs so damn bad.

The worst part, is realizing now that maybe I could’ve swallowed a couple of pills to make the pain bearable, then gotten to meet them n gotten through my school day. But fuck, why didn’t I think of that sooner? Ma ba didn’t even suggest it, but I don’t really blame them. We don’t have anything in the house but I coulda so easily picked something up on the way to school. Dammit I'm stupid. Maybe I woulda thought of that in the moment if I wasn't always stubborn n habitually took more meds.

The next time I woke up was 11 or so, n already all of the intense shit was just gone. Like it had come, done its shitty job, n passed. There was still mad tightness, but it was jus a lil worse than the usual shit I feel on most mornings. N now, after a whole day, im basically back to normal, even though I do still feel some of it. Like whattttt the hell was that?!?!

Ma told me this happened before, years ago. Just as randomly as it had to me this morning. Ma was reaching for something n all of a sudden, ma's whole body went stiff n tight, n took days to recover. Ma said that ever since that first time, her body's never been the same, n neither would mine.

:(

Hurt like a mofo. Beyond even my pain tolerance. I still cant believe all that I felt was real. I was jus fucked over so damn bad.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Last night I found myself an emotional wreck. It'd been a long day, another morning after a sleepless night kind of day. The ones that make me believe I was born to die young just to resurrect as a zombie. Just kept trucking along, although mentally n physically spent. J_____ finally read the text I sent him at 2 am, n asked me how the hell I stayed awake all day, n said that I didn't even look tired hahah. It's only cos everyone's grown so used to the brain-dead, emotionally fucked me, that there's no basis for comparison. At school, that's the only face, only side I have, n I find it hard to give enough fucks about being happy there to change.

Got home late, cos papa dearest told me not to get on the bus, that he was coming to pick me up...He didn't mention he'd get there at 6:30 though, when I could've made my own way n been home by 6.

Helped with dinner, sat down to eat just the mother n I, n that's when the newest sad stories n the tears broke out. Gi bon can't stop crying lately over her practically parent-less grandkids, always going to the bathroom or her bedroom where they won't see or hear her. Chi h___ isn't holding up so well either, always away from her kids 4 or 5 days of the week. She calls the mother to sob n vent constantly, all through the week, to get off her chest how much she misses her kids n how unbearable the hurt is. As women n as mothers, they're the ones feeling this most, but at the same time the ones most responsible for keeping up brave fronts n navigating their household through the wreck. Shit with him isn't getting better either... just last week, d___ asked him when he was coming home to live with mommy, n he told her that they weren't ever going to be together again... had d___ crying for hours.

(The bastard's decisions are still, n always will be, inexcusable. But influences n experiences that led to his fucked up frame of thought behind those decisions, are impossible to account for. Honestly, the way I see it now, everyone made mistakes along the way. It all built up, n then my cousin's were the catalyst that really fucked shit up for good.)

It's tearing at everyone's heart strings, the way these kids are caught up in a situation they're in no way at fault for. They're suffering the consequences of adults, forced to be self-taught in coping with n recovering from mistakes not of their own. The biggest influences of their lives are suddenly absent all the time, n grandparents can only substitute your parents in so many ways. Then there's the constant worry of their future, of history repeating itself, of all this messy shit leaving open wounds that last into adulthood.

There's not enough love in their lives... think about it, how do you learn to love if your prime examples, your parents n your fam, are falling to pieces before your young eyes? I just worry so much about their emotional welfare, the kiddies' n their whole fam's. Right now, growing up the way they are, d___ n d_____ are so at risk of forming severe trust issues, low self-esteem, n angry disobedience... if they haven't already. It pisses me the fuck off to know how preventable circumstances were n are, n still see their long faces. I miss their bright eyes... no child should have to bear the heaviness that they do.

The mother goes on to talk about how d_____ isn't doing well in school cos he doesn't focus, doesn't pay attention, n disrespects the teacher. On the nights that chi h___ is home, she'll check her kids' homework n realize that d_____ isn't learning what he should be. She'll yell at him outa frustration, accomplishing nothing but a teary eyed, angry 7 year old. His disrespect's been growing more n more, but no one around has the patience to discipline him anymore. N simple parent-teacher meetings are hard as hell to schedule, since chi h___'s not home much. That's when the effect of her absence is clearest, when she feels guiltiest n most powerless.

The mother was straight bawling into her food, it was damn depressing. So hard to sit there in front of her n listen to her sob out these details. It took all the restraint I had to not lose it n reinforce the desperation of the situation.

I just feel so fucking dumb n terrible for waiting this long to forreal get involved n help fix shit. Kept worrying that my presence in the matters as a daughter of the younger generation would only disrespect my elders, but I needa push customary shit aside n remember: this is my fucking family. N I'll go to hell before I stand by n watch my own loved ones suffer anymore, knowing damn well I have the power to improve their situation, even in the littlest ways.

From now on, I will be there with them on the nights that their mommy's gone, for at least half an hour or however long they need me. I will check over their homework n instill better work ethics n manners. I will be there for their questions n their stories, for all the things they have no one to talk to about. I will remind them that I'm here, that I always have been n forever will be. I will love them everyday, so that they never forget.

The mother wasn't sure about the idea cos she was concerned about my workload n grades, but fuck that shit. All it took was a minute for her to realize that family came first.

When our plan was decided, she went off to call chi h___ to let her know wassup, all excited to tell her our good news. So I cleaned my dishes, went up to the living room, closed the door... n fucking violently cried, cried myself back to composure. Holy shit...

After I looked okay again, ba came up with a thick envelope from vietnam in hand, n asked me to guess what was inside. I didn't have many ideas except maybe a card or letter... but he just kept shaking his head n smiling mad goofy as he knifed the mail to pull out a nice card, open it, n reveal...........

Toothpicks.

He asked my aunt to air mail him bamboo toothpicks from across the world.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

So, I catch myself thinking about every little thing he's said n done for me lately, n I don't know how I feel about where we are right now. It's like all the guilt I felt before is gone, cos being together again affirmed that things had blown over, were alright. But now I'm left with something new on my conscience, plus a desire for clarity... then again, I'm always wishing for honest simplicity, but emotions don't come without complications.

All day I'd been nervous about seeing him again since it's been months since the last time we were together, sitting in the kitchen at work n talking heatedly without solutions that left us both upset. He hit me up a few times after, but contact faded out completely, until all I knew of him anymore were n__'s stories. He'd been progressing into a dick since mid-summer, pulling shit like showing his friends to her room with the intent of letting them rent it.

Then the new girlfriend came in, n thas when shit got reallllll. She was the first girl to ever stay the night in his room, a bigass shock to everyone in the fam. He'd just met her... not even his ex of 3 years had once stayed over. Multiple times, cops got involved, came knocking, cos she's a fuck up dumping her issues on t__; it's straight ridiculous. Apparently she's not attractive, n is supposedly an extreme of me in the sense that she's somethin of a rebel, all pierced up with orange-dyed hair. No one in his fam ever wants her around, n thas what pisses me off the most, the fact that he's putting his family second for the first time in his life when they need him most. They're stressed as fuck, n he's only making shit harder on them with his (and his girlfriend's) newfound disrespect. I can't even get through my head how the fuck this girl can act the way she does towards his fam, strutting around their home like she owns the goddamn place, looking them straight in the eyes without a single word of respect. They're his parents. How dare she fucking act like she's too good to speak to them, when they're tolerating her in their home. Bitch needa recognize where she's at n whose presence she's in. Knowing them, I don't see how anyone could not love them n be overwhelmed with gratitude n awe. They're the sweetest beings, elderly n overworked but never too tired to be welcoming n warm n kind, with a hot meal for you always.

Q__ n n__ kept telling me it was a damn good thing I didn't keep things going with t__, that I was too good for him. Everyone's lost a shitload of respect for him since this new girl. N__ thought he had good taste in girls when he was with previous ones or into me, but doesn't think so anymore.

I haven't met her, but I already feel like cussing her out. Same with t__, but I remembered that these matters were not my own.

Even though n__ pushed me into his room n threw sushi in there with me (before running across the hall cos they hadn't been speaking for a couple of weeks), I didn't feel awkward, just nervous about how he'd react. He was just chilling at his comp in his home clothes, mad surprised since no one told him I was coming, but happy to see me. N yenno, things went so well. I've always been comfortable with him, conversation came easy since the beginning, but I was surprised the first minutes went that smoothly. Forreal, it just put me at ease, meant that the night would be ok, that we'd both shed the feelings of summer like empty shells. Or maybe not as much as I thought.

We caught up for a while, talking about everything from school to music, sushi in my lap. He was the same clown with dorkyass jokes, saying things like how convenient it is that we're both juniors, cos we'll graduate at the same time n be at each other's graduations hahah. He was just in sucha good mood, mad easy to chill with. When he asked if I'd been sleeping, I told him not so much, n his reply was something like, "I knew it! I always see you gmail at 1 or 2 am," which def caught me off guard. I forgot that he always stayed on invisible to avoid unwanted conversations.

He'd bring up memories together left n right, like by asking me if I remembered his room, remembered lying in his bed talking. When we got into his car, he touched the feather chain on his rearview I'd made him, n said, "See? It's still here." The whole 15 minute drive to stop n shop, he kept turning to ask me if I was warm enough, comfortable, adjusting the heat n windows nonstop. N by this time, he n n__ were talking again, only cos I was there. Asked me if I remembered our date, n said it was exactly the same minus my ukulele this time. He bumped my favorite jams, the ones on the playlist he'd made for me. When we got to the market, he took the basket from me, tossing things in as soon as my hands were on em. When I was opening a fridge door, he immediately noticed a tinyass cut on my knuckle, n got mad while I laughed about my friend cutting me. In line, I held n__'s wallet hostage so that I could pay, but he swiped his card as I was fumbling with bills. That's right after he told us about keeping an $11 weekly food allowance, cos he's tryna save up. Had me laughing all around the store, talking about his alcoholic roommates n the cold air he could feel goin down his ass crack through his thin pant (he didn't change or even bring a jacket when we left the house). In all honesty, he had me dyinggg or smiling the whole night...

He remembered n noticed everything. Did anything he could to pamper me like a damn queen. Worried over my every move.

Got home, n he made me dinner. Went outa his way to make bbq'ed chicken, even though his mom was already cooking. The whole fam kept asking him why he was going so fancy, kinda jokingly, but eventually stopped cos they already knew. His excuse was that he wanted to make leftovers for the week, but the fool only made enough for all of us at dinner! So shitty coverup. I kept offering my help, but he'd say he was fine. I did whatever I could, like the dishes, n even then he'd butt in, put his hands on my hips n move me aside, take the dirty dishes n my hands in his, n wash mine with soap till they were clean. He had his hands on me a lotttt, made maddd moves. I'd pick the burnt pieces off the chicken, but he'd grab my hand n suck the sauce off my fingers. We ate side by side at the table with his fam, n he'd offer me a sip of his juice every minute, put more food on my plate, ask how everything was. In the middle of dinner, he started talking about how hairless he is, lifting up his arms to show his bare pits! His shirt was fuckin holey n raggedy as shiettttt, I just wanted to go out n buy him new v-necks asapersssss. But goodnizz, how I love family dinners with them, with any fam actually. N the whole time, slash the whole night, n__ would throw me knowing looks every other minute t__ did or said anything.

He gave up his room to n__ n me so that we could have our movie night with his hugeass flat screen n ill lighting. Kept running in n out to adjust the lights n the volume n the brightness of the screen n etc. to please us. Slept on the couch just for us, even though sushi had just left a poop stain LOL. I asked n__ if he always went out of his way, even though I basically already knew the answer... n__: "Nah, only cos you're here, k__."

Adorably considerate n sweet as hellllll. But honestly, dude needed to back the fuck up n quit babying me. I get how damn hard he was working to impress me, n I appreciated his care, but I'm not the type of girl that falls straight for that male-dominance-fueled romantic shit...

But fuck, turn on's = skill in culinary arts, the smell of his sheets, how damn smoothly he drives a stick shift, speaking to me in viet, n tight hugs in the am.

Not once did he bring up his girlfriend, even when I'd point out her things in his room. Also didn't ask about work, or anyone from there.

Not much in-a-relationship-and-in-love-with-my-siggy-other behavior... at one point, he dug his face into the nape of my neck to inhale a whiff of my hair. N a few times, he'd make inapropro jokes, like tryna push me into bed while saying he could keep me warm for the night. Then taking it back cos he said he was too skinny to be much of a cushion.

The next day, he texted me while on his shift, even though I know he's typically strictly against it. Asked how his bed was, n that he'd drive me home cos it was cold out n worried bout me taking the t. We've talked on n off on gchat.

He wore the outfit I picked out for him.

I've already talked this out with my girlies, but I still don't know where I stand. It'd be so damn easy n seemingly ideal to love him, be with him, have someone to care for, n someone to care for me in return. I've the faintest feeling that I might grow interested in him one day soon, but I'm holding too many doubts. Forreal, I don't think I'm ready to fall full-heartedly for him or anyone right now. Thoughts of D____ are steadily falling back into my subconscious, no longer at the forefront of my mind but still present. I think about how much he elicits in me through just memories, from my daydreams to the heaviness of my aches. I just can't say that t__ evokes the same, n it wouldn't be all fair to either of us if we were together. Feelings wouldn't be fully mutual, not that they ever really are in any relationship. Now that the guilt of causing him unhappiness n bitterness is cleared, a fresh part of me wonders why I'm not with the one who can finally care for me the way I deserve, n why I won't just make him happy. He's worth so much.

I feel terrible, but there's no doubt in my mind that he'd leave his current girl if I made it clear that I was interested. But I never want to be that girl, as destructive as the relationship is. I want so badly to see him doing okay, to see his family at peace, but I don't know how to help him while still upholding distance. With him, it's a damn struggle to be close without attachment, to be homies but nothing further.

Now that I've written all that out, my head's a lil clearer, n I feel silly for feeling as conflicted as I did right after the weekend... I think about how much he cares, feel for him as someone who has been in (or kinda still is) in his very position. But I do no one justice diluting my honesty. I got ever so slightly sprung off his sweet gestures n kind intentions, that I think I mistook what I felt for growing romantic interest. That's not to say that the feelings will never be there. Just not now. Or maybe they are, but I don't recognize them cos it's been so long since I've really felt anything for someone else. I miss his company, n still think about him n the potential of a relationship together, but I know better than to trust my emotions right now.

Damn...he does inspire me to write, but not the words that reveal the depth of infatuation.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

I'm an insecure lil bitchhh when it comes to my writing, no bullshit. Slashhh I'm insecure about almost all of the things I create. :(

I keeeel myself with comparisons all the fucking time. From sisters to friends to coworkers, I'm always seeing all these degrees of success that I can't imagine accomplishing... and that's my issue. I shouldn't be making these comparisons and prematurely ruling out the things I've yet to even attempt. My work is about me, and that is in no way to be determined by anyone else. So comparisons shouldn't mean shit, but I'm still weak enough to let em corrode my determination... I know that some of my work is good, based off of how I eventually feel about it and off of public opinion (I know, bad source of confidence...). Forreal though, to hear honest praise from people i respect to heaven n back is humbling as hell, even if I myself don't see what they do. It gives me faith in what I do, knowing that it has some effect on somebody, whether that be emotion triggering or awe inspiring, cos that's a big part of what I aim for through my art n writing.

So talking to you for hours about where we wanna be some day and sharing our writing was... nice. :) I forreal got scared when you called me out n told me to show you what I'd wrote, since everything you send me is always maaaaad tight. It's funny though... your writing's always deeeeep, powerful shit, but our chats are bout the stupidest things! I'm forreal so surprised with every essay you send me, cos the contrast is just tooooo ridiculous. You're a fucking softie ashamed of your truth. Still, I respect you more than you know, so to have you rave the way you did bout some of the things I sent you, was def support I needed to hear. Trust, I'm on my way to valuing myself more, but it's no over night thing.

I sent 2 vignettes from freshman year, n a gallery statement I did recently. I'm more confident in my older stuff cos next to the things I write now, they look better than they did when I first wrote them.

You:

holy fucking

shit

the grandfather

one

made me cum in my pants

Yeah, I kinda like it too. :)

Ông Nôi

The house phone rings, its tune a perky, mechanical melody. In four strides, my father is up and across the kitchen, there at the phone, as if he’d been waiting for this one call his whole life. But this waiting is different. This waiting isn’t an option that makes the happy ending sweeter, but a moment of time stretched endlessly that forces my father into submission, into sitting in the present to hear the knowledge of the future.

My grandfather has passed away. Vietnamese and static travels the ocean and enters my father’s ears, the words lacerating his hope. Sitting at the table, I decipher what escapes the phone receiver, catching weeping, squealing. There are silences on the other line for intakes of evasive breaths, and I bend over to finger the sponge-like holes in my socks. In my head, comprehension has yet to catch up to shock, so I chew over a single word: phổi, Vietnamese for lungs. My father puts down the phone.

My father turns to sit in a wooden chair two seats away from me. He looks up at me, seeing me again, and I am shocked that his face has aged. Gray strands seemed to spring out of their dark hiding places. The gentle folds stemming from the corners of his eyes droop severely. He knows I was listening, I can see it, and I feel guilty for not having waited to be told.

“Ông nôi, your grandfather, has been sick for a long time. He said without cigarettes, he couldn’t breathe, and he passed in his sleep,” he tells me quietly, sighing shakily. In his voice, I can hear his internal struggle to maintain his slipping composure. Then, suddenly and with silent speed, my father stands, turning away from me, and emotionlessly says, “I’m sorry, con,” before swiftly leaving the kitchen, his heavy footsteps tired.

Minutes later, I rise to look for my father. I’m lost. I need him to guide me, to show me the exit of this unreal daydream. In my mind, however, flutter doubts. How can he find me when trapped within a haze of his own, a nightmare?

Upstairs on the second floor, I walk past a slanted window on the attic ceiling, searching. Something catches my attention, something on the roof, so I step back to peer through the cloudy panes. Fearing what I will discover, relief comes with the sight of my father. He’s staring at the sun, its dimmed vibrancy barely visible above the darkening skyline, and an alarm clock on a stand reads 8:23. One minute until sundown, the end of another day. It would be the end of the final day of my grandfather’s legendary life. Like a stone turned over, I recover an old memory, the words of my father: “Time cannot be categorized or frozen. When something happens on the other side of the world, it will not affect us 12 hours later because of time zones. It affects us in present time, and nature decides where the sun will be at that moment.”

The restless sun eased into the foliage to rise another day in another place. I saw the flowing tears then, my father’s face wet and shining in the twilight, and only then did I cry for myself.