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Helping you through every phase of your divorce journeyMon, 19 Nov 2018 19:40:46 +0000enhourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.5It’s the Holidays, Now What?http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/its-the-holidays-now-what/
http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/its-the-holidays-now-what/#respondMon, 19 Nov 2018 19:40:46 +0000http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/?p=627Every year around this time I see my clients stressed out and sad because the holidays are around the corner. It’s Halloween, costumes and trick or treating and Thanksgiving with how to plan double dinners and Christmas and Hanukah with gift giving. What used to be a joyous time of year has turned into, “I just can’t wait to get through it” time of year. I get it as I have been there myself but I am also going to tell you, if you approach the holidays with a different attitude and a plan, believe it or not, you can actually not just get through it but enjoy the season. So, let’s give it some thought now.

First, there is the issue of two households. Communication between you and your ex is just as important as between you and your children. Try to work out a holiday schedule that works for the children so they can spend equal time with both parents. Depending on their ages, involve them in holiday decisions as it’s about what is important for them. Take the time to listen to what they are saying and their feelings, especially if this is the first holiday as a separated family.

Now, let’s talk about presents, as this is a minefield to navigate. Children want to give and please so try (keyword) not to take it personally when they come to you and ask for money to buy your ex’s girlfriend/boyfriend a present. Huge pill to swallow, I know, and depending on the age it can be handled a couple of ways. If the child is older, you can explain to him/her that now that you are divorced, you will pay for presents on your side and that their dad will pay for presents on his side. If the child is young, well, that’s a bullet you will have to take. Putting your children’s feelings first just might be the best present you can give yourself.

Next on the agenda is you. Being without your children during the holidays when you have been used to having them for all the festivities is gut wrenching to think about but times have changed and you need to change with them. The more you fight this change, the harder it will be so acceptance and planning is key. This is a transition for everyone so give it some clear thought not based on raw emotion.

Have a plan in place as to what you will do during the times that the children are at your ex’s. Don’t wait until the front door shuts behind your children and you’re in tears to figure out what you are going to do. Now is the perfect time to pamper yourself and you can do it guilt-free, as you will not feel like you are taking time away from your children. On another note, you can’t stifle your emotions but don’t show your tears in front of the children. Let them enjoy the holidays and not feel guilty about spending time with the other parent. Prepare yourself to hear about the other’s home and what they did and the presents they received. Smile as you pour yourself a glass of wine.

Be in the present moment, literally. Do not allow your mind to wander to past holidays or what was. Be in the moment and find something to be grateful for in that moment. Don’t focus on the fact that you are alone or that your children are at your ex’s. Focus on what you have planned out for yourself and focus on the New Year and the new opportunities that await you.

Happiness is a choice and yes, you can be happy during the holidays even when you are divorced or unattached. It’s up to you.

]]>http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/its-the-holidays-now-what/feed/0Toxic Relationships: What They Are and How Not to Feel Crazyhttp://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/toxic-relationships-what-they-are-and-how-not-to-feel-crazy/
http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/toxic-relationships-what-they-are-and-how-not-to-feel-crazy/#respondMon, 15 Oct 2018 18:53:17 +0000http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/?p=613We all have them, the relationships that leave us feeling drained, frustrated and off balance. They come in the form of family, spouses, friends and co-workers. Even when we recognize what they are doing to us, we feel confused as to how to handle them. Well, let me shed some light on this energy sucking human being.

A toxic relationship will do the following:

– Keep you stuck and prevent your progress

– Drain your energy and life from you

– Rob you of joy and excitement

– Make you begin to doubt yourself and your abilities

– Your self-esteem is greatly affected

– You blame yourself for their behavior

– It can alter your personality

Do you see any or all of these traits in someone in your life? Personally or professionally? If so, please read on.

The first step is to see them for what and who they are; they are people who are afraid of rejection and abandonment. The second step is to remove yourself for awhile and clear your head; you will not be able to think clearly if you are in the midst of a toxic relationship. Thirdly, decide if this is a relationship you want to remain in, whether it is work, family or friends. If you decide to stay then you will have to learn to empower yourself. Remember that toxic personalities will try to control as many areas in your life as you allow them to. They can do this in two ways, an out and out demand or the more subtle guilt and shame approach.

Here are some things that will throw you back into the drivers seat.

– You can only change yourself, your behavior and your reaction to the toxic person. Empower your position by setting boundaries.

– Understand that as you attempt to regain your control, the toxic person will try to reassert his/her dominance and control, they will not be open to change.

– Consistency is very important. Plot your course and stick to it.

– Communicate that the relationship is going to change. Don’t have this conversation while in a heated debate and don’t list all of your expectations; only the most important ones.

– Do not defend or debate your position; only state it and stop talking. Ex: I will not be criticized any longer (period) don’t add because it’s disrespectful or hurts my feelings.

– Your opinion counts. If a toxic person makes a devaluing comment to you, calmly and simply state your opinion, don’t compromise or bargain, do not engage or fight back.

– Don’t ever apologize for having your own opinion.

– Keep your voice low and speak slowly and deliberate.

– Don’t fall into their trap of manipulation. Stand your ground. You know the saying, “Pick your battles”? Well, with a toxic person, everything is a battle.

At the end of the day, your mental health and well-being is paramount and dealing with a toxic person can put a strain on both. If they think that your personal or professional relationship is a game, then show them how it’s played.

]]>http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/toxic-relationships-what-they-are-and-how-not-to-feel-crazy/feed/0How to Get Unstuck After Divorcehttp://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/how-to-get-unstuck-after-divorce/
http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/how-to-get-unstuck-after-divorce/#respondMon, 08 Oct 2018 18:08:01 +0000http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/?p=609A couple of years after my divorce I came to the realization I was stuck. Figuring out why I was stuck was the next step and the hardest. It required me to dig deep and be brutally honest with myself.

I see clients every week that utter the phrase, “I think I’m stuck.” When I ask them why, a blank look comes across their faces. They have no idea why; they just want to get unstuck. I explain the first step to becoming unstuck is to clarify what is holding you in your current state.

The following is a list of common issues that keep post-divorced people feeling stuck. You can have one or a combination of them. Total disclosure, I had them all!

Unforgiveness – this is not being able to forgive yourself or your ex

It’s Not Fair – not being able to get past the break up, the settlement agreement, the injustice of it all and your change of lifestyle.

Looking Over Your Ex’s fence – this goes right along with the previous one. This is all about what your ex is doing and comparing his/her new life to yours.

Fear – this can be financial fear, fear of being alone or generalized fear of the unknown.

Low Self-Esteem or Low Self-Worth – what we think and feel about ourselves or not feeling loveable, worthy or valuable.

As I mentioned earlier, getting clarity means you have to be totally honest with yourself and that is not easy. To admit we have unresolved “issues” is difficult but necessary to move forward and get unstuck. As I also mentioned, I had all of these. Long road ahead!

Next step. You have realized that you have these issues but how do you work through them. Let’s look at each one.

1. Unforgiveness. This was my toughest battle. How do you forgive someone that has hurt you and crushed your dreams? Forgiveness is a choice and it takes work. There are several ways to work through this. You can lean on your faith, you can view the other person as having a sickness and they can’t help their behavior or you forgive for yourself so the anger and bitterness doesn’t take away from your quality of life. This is one issue that requires patience and self-love. Don’t allow your ex to take one more minute away from your life and when you don’t forgive, he/she is definitely robbing you of your own life.

2. It’s Not Fair. Here is where you have to put your Big Girl Panties on, straighten your tiara and move on. Life is not fair but it’s harder to move forward when you view yourself as a victim. Ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do about this situation?” If the answer is yes, then do it. If the answer is no, then let it go. If you choose to see your divorce and life after divorce as unfair, than you will forever be stuck in the past. What’s not fair is that you let a relationship that doesn’t exist anymore affect your life as a totality. Work on acceptance.

3. Looking Over Your Ex’s Fence. Comparisons never help anyone. Start focusing on your life and what makes you happy instead of what your ex is doing. Understand this principle; two things cannot occupy the same space at the same time. As long as you are looking over his fence, you cant be spending time doing what you love. He/she is once again controlling your life.

4. Unanswered Questions. We all want closure; we all want the truth. However, the chances of getting all of our questions answered to our satisfaction from someone who hurt us are slim to none. Then what happens is we start to obsess. Here is where you need to make the choice to let it go. Acceptance is key because the reality is you will not have all the answers…ever. Accepting and letting it go will bring you peace.

5. Fear. There are so many types of fear I can’t go into each one separately but in general fear will paralyze you. If you’re a religious person, draw on your faith and trust that God will help you through this. Writing down your fears and then all solutions to them is very helpful. Some how, being able to see the solutions and reflect on them diminishes the fear a bit.

6. Low Self-Esteem or Low Self-Worth. You can have good self-esteem, meaning you feel good about how you perform at work or playing the piano or a sport or even your capabilities as a parent and still have low self-worth, meaning you don’t feel worthy or lovable. Don’t let your divorce or your ex dictate your self worth. An exercise I give my clients is to write down all their accomplishments, what they are good at and then all the good traits about themselves. I have them do mirror work where they have to look into their eyes in a mirror and tell themselves affirmations. Correcting low self-esteem or low self-worth takes time and patience but the return is astronomical.

Being stuck is a natural side effect of getting divorced and it looks different for each person. My advice is not to push it under the rug or play the distraction game because if you do, you will be cheating yourself out of a fulfilling, happy life. Take the time, do the work and put it behind you once and for all.

]]>http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/how-to-get-unstuck-after-divorce/feed/0Can I Find My Soul Mate After Divorcehttp://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/can-i-find-my-soul-mate-after-divorce/
http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/can-i-find-my-soul-mate-after-divorce/#respondMon, 01 Oct 2018 17:09:24 +0000http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/?p=606I see many types of clients in my practice, at all different stages of their divorce journey, with an enormous variety of questions and concerns. One such question comes from someone who really feels that their ex spouse was indeed their soul mate and they are convinced that their love life is over because their soul mate is gone.

Well, listen up, all you love forlorn singles out there, your love life is far from over. Finding a soul mate is on everyone’s bucket list and people believe that you can only have one in your life and that person, once found is your other half. This bit of information is incorrect and is the source of much angst in my clients. You can have more than one soul mate.

A soul mate, while it is true shares a soul connection with you, is not meant to come into your life to complete you. You must be a complete person before you meet your soul mate and then this person helps you to be a better version of yourself.

So many times I hear people say, “When I find my soul mate, I will be happy and feel complete.” No, what you will feel is a soul connection but completeness must come from you. Finding a soul mate has been Romanized in books and movies to a point I’m not sure is even close to reality but what it has done, is mess up people romantic relationships.

A soul mate is someone who comes into your life and helps you grow mentally, spiritually, emotionally and sexually. They encourage you to be the best version of yourself. The part that is true about all this is that you do feel an unexplained connection or attraction to the person however, that doesn’t mean that this person is “the one” that you will end up with. Remember, our soul mates are here to help us grow and when that job is finished might move on.

Right about now, you might be feeling discouraged but don’t be. You can find and end up with a soul mate even if you feel like you already had one. Here are a few secrets, be a complete person in and of yourself, don’t get scared and settle and be open to your soul mate coming in a different form than you envisioned.

Let’s look at these individually. Being a complete person is key because then you are not feeling desperate to find this person so you can feel complete. Your desire to meet him/her shifts from desperation and completion to one of excitement and complementing.

The second secret is not to get scared and settle. Bad decisions are made from a place of fear and by no means, don’t talk yourself into thinking this is your soul mate because the clock is ticking. Do not settle and lean on your intuition.

The third secret is to be open. You may have your heart set on that 6 ft., blue eyed, football player when actually, your soul mate is 5’10”, brown eyes and hates sports. Don’t box yourself in. I think this is the biggest mistake I see my friends and clients do. They are only looking for the box with the red bow and miss the box with the blue bow that has their name on it.

Do not wait for your soul mate to start living your life but in the mean time, do these things and believe that you will find him.

“Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.”-William James

]]>http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/can-i-find-my-soul-mate-after-divorce/feed/0Lessons I Have Learned as a Divorce Coachhttp://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/lessons-i-have-learned-as-a-divorce-coach/
http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/lessons-i-have-learned-as-a-divorce-coach/#respondMon, 17 Sep 2018 18:55:29 +0000http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/?p=601As published in The Florida Villager

As a divorce coach, I spend my time educating people on the process of divorce, teaching them communication and co-parenting skills, dealing with the tsunami of emotion that come along with it and learning to be strong again. I have never stopped to think of the lessons my clients are teaching me. Well, as they say, there is a first time for everything.

This past week, a couple walked into my office wanting help getting divorced. It struck me that the wife was driving the bus on this divorce but the husband’s demeanor was one I hadn’t experienced before. As is often the case, one spouse has wanted it for a while, proposed it and come to terms with it while the other spouse is floundering to grasp what is going on; the proverbial microwave versus conventional oven scenario.

What’s typical in my world as a divorce coach is the wife comes in scared, bitter and revengeful. She wants blood because the husband wants out. He has cut off her funds, threatening her with a future life of destitution, and is, at times, using the kids to get back at her. Or the husband comes in resentful he has to pay alimony, threatening to bring her back to court and jaded to the point it is affecting romantic relationships. In the case of the couple that walked into my office most recently, I saw two people who were hurting for different reasons but wanted the best for both of them and most definitely their children.

Through this couple I learned that even though two people want different things they can navigate divorce with compassion and respect and wanting what’s best for each other not just themselves. I saw where they accepted their part in the demise of the marriage. I saw patience and understanding from the wife because the husband was grappling with the reality of the divorce. I saw communication even when it was difficult to speak and caring in their eyes towards each other. They both voiced they wanted to move through this with dignity, respect for each other and mindfulness of their children. Their goal was to make this the best transition possible. There was no name calling, rolling of the eyes or storming out when one disagreed with the other.

I was so moved by what I saw unfolding in front of me as I had never seen this side of divorce. The burning question long after they left was why was this couple different than the many before them? I sat and thought and then thought some more. I came up with eight things:

They respect each other for being the father and mother of their children.

Their main focus is the children’s wellbeing, not only through this process but in the future.

They honor the years they had together even though they were ending.

They have a history of good, respectful communication.

They truly care about the other even though the love between husband and wife is gone.

They acknowledge this is uncharted waters for them and want help to navigate this

They acknowledge their part in all of this.

They have a strong faith in God.

I stand in awe and applaud them. None of the above is easy and I recognize that all couples won’t be able to do this but if only they could aspire to. Because of this one couple put on my path (I believe nothing is a coincidence) I have made a list to give to every client who walks through my door in the hopes that it will make them sit and think.

Divorce does not have to be nasty and worse yet, have after effects that permeate your future. How you handle your divorce today will determine your future romantic relationships, your friendships, your working environment, your physical and mental health and whether you live the rest of your days happy and with purpose being all you were created to be.

]]>http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/lessons-i-have-learned-as-a-divorce-coach/feed/0Back to School: De-Stress Yourself and Your Kidshttp://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/back-to-school-de-stress-yourself-and-your-kids/
http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/back-to-school-de-stress-yourself-and-your-kids/#respondMon, 13 Aug 2018 18:39:18 +0000http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/?p=592It’s hard to believe the new school year is almost here. But if you start early and progress gradually, your kids will feel better about themselves and your quality of life will be much-improved. The key is to put the right strategies in place.

Get organized – Do this well in advance so there’s no rushing at the last minute to buy supplies, books and uniforms or to fill out paperwork.

Develop a command center – Set it up in a convenient location. Encourage the kids to write down on a white board the things they need at least three days in advance. Establish an out box for each child. As they unpack their book bags, they can put any papers you need to read or sign in the in box, and, in the morning, they can take whatever is in their out box. Post a calendar so they see what their activities are and any special items they need for that day. Children thrive on structure; they will have the security of knowing where to look for information, and they will learn responsibility.

A safe, stress-free area – Create a place where your child knows he or she can have quiet time. It can be a corner of their room that you set up with big pillows, a blanket, coloring books, crayons and music. Make sure it’s an unplug zone, with no computers or phones.

Set an example – Your point of view regarding stress invariably become theirs. Your mood sets the mood of your children.

Talk positively – Talk with your kids about the upcoming school year, and ask them which after-school activities they would like to participate in. Don’t over-schedule them. Acknowledge their nervousness and brainstorm ways to ease it. Keep the focus on the positive and not about how the previous year went. Keep communication open by making yourself available to listen, not necessarily to talk. If they start to get anxious, redirect their thoughts to the fun they had over the summer.

School mode – About two weeks before the first day of school, talk with your kids and make sure everything is in place. Let them know that school mode begins during the last week of summer vacation. This means going to bed at the set school time. During that week, talk with them about your expectations, explain what the command center is all about and make a cheat sheet with their schedule, locker combination, teachers’ names and room numbers.

Once school starts, establish a nighttime routine of packing lunches, getting school clothes out, setting the alarm clock and putting the backpack by the door. In the morning, don’t throw open the bedroom door and yell “Time to get up.” Give the kids a few minutes of cuddle time before you turn on the light. Make them a healthy breakfast and send them out the door with a bottle of water. Staying hydrated means less fatigue and a better mood and memory. After school, give them play and quiet time and a structured time and environment in which to do their homework.

And last, but certainly not least, it is never too early to teach your children to think positively and to laugh as often as they can. Except, of course, in class.

]]>http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/back-to-school-de-stress-yourself-and-your-kids/feed/0How to Move On During Divorce and Afterhttp://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/how-to-move-on-during-divorce-and-after/
http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/how-to-move-on-during-divorce-and-after/#respondWed, 11 Jul 2018 16:21:57 +0000http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/?p=555No one will argue that divorce isn’t a huge change in someone’s life. One minute it’s smooth sailing and the next, the winds have picked up and the storms are upon you. So what do you do? You ride out the storm and change course. “I don’t do well with change,” is something I hear all the time from my clients, but I remind them, it’s not the change they don’t do well with but their resistance to it. We fight it, we dig our heels in, we resist with every ounce of strength this change that has come upon us like a plague, and thus, our unhappiness is spawned.

Do you ever feel like you’re stuck? Nothing is moving in the direction you’d like it to? As a matter of fact, you feel like you are moving backward instead of forward? Your frustration level increases by the day because no matter what you do, nothing is clicking. Again, you’re resisting the change in your life.

Have you ever considered that you are in your own way? And if so, how will you deal with this? My answer, change the way you view it. Here are some tips to help you move on by shifting with the tides of life.

Tip #1– Turn the page.

Let go of the past. Recognize that there is nothing back there for you and everything lies ahead. Learn the lesson, forgive yourself and others and turn the page. Don’t keep revisiting what was because it only makes moving on harder than it needs to be.

Tip #2- Take control.

Let go of the things that “appear” to be in your way and don’t let “time’ dictate your life i.e.; when the kids go off to college, when I lose 10 pounds, when I make more money. Don’t give “time” so much power. You effect the change in your life.

Tip #3- Set goals.

How can you hit a target you can’t see? Moving forward isn’t always about big steps. Don’t always look at the big picture as it can overwhelm you. Set small, daily goals and not too many. It’s not about a lack of time so much as it is a lack of direction, organization and commitment.

Tip #4- Don’t get caught up in the emotion of feeling stuck.

This is one of the most important.Refrain how you think about this “season” in your life. Don’t let your thoughts dwell on the negative. Don’t walk around speaking negatively about your life. Positive thinking and speaking is key to moving on. Remember, what you resist, persists. Sometimes, the best course of action is to just take a breather.

If you believe and feel that you are stuck, then you are. Instead, believe and feel that what you desire is only around the next bend. Live your life with anticipation and see how quickly you accept change and move on.

]]>http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/how-to-move-on-during-divorce-and-after/feed/0Reduce Your Stress During Divorcehttp://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/reduce-your-stress-during-divorce/
http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/reduce-your-stress-during-divorce/#respondFri, 15 Jun 2018 19:07:39 +0000http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/?p=551Stress is defined by Webster as “a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances.” Let me sum that up in one word – divorce.

Divorce is the second most stressful event in someone’s life according to the Holmes and Rahe Scale, only preceded by the death of a spouse or child. Research has shown that prolonged exposure to stress can cause all types of illnesses and greatly impair one’s life. So, how do you keep your stress level under wraps while going through a divorce? The key here is two-fold. One is recognizing it when it first starts and two is knowing what to do to bring your stress level down.

Being mindful of when it starts begins with being aware of your body. Are you clinching your teeth, feeling flushed, have a headache, can’t concentrate or feeling your body stiffen? All these are signs of stress. Make a list of what your body does when you are stressed out and commit it to memory. This will increase your mindfulness and help you stop the blowup or breakdown before it happens.

Once you are aware of how your body reacts to stress, you can come up with a way to bring yourself back down.

Focus on your reaction to things that crop up. Is your reaction based on emotion or fats? Are you taking the situation personally? Are you dealing with the facts or the story you are writing surrounding the facts?

Here is an example of writing your own story. Your ex doesn’t drop the kids off on time and blames it on traffic. The fact is the kids were late. Could there have been traffic? Possibly. However, you take it to the next level by writing your own story that goes like this: “He did this on purpose because he wants to ruin my night. He is so inconsiderate, I’m going to do this to him next week.”

Now, here’s the thing. He could be doing it for those reasons but that is not a “fact” until you know for sure. You are integrating your story and beliefs into the situation, which heightens your stress level to defense. Stay focused on the facts.

Once you become aware of your stress, come up with ways to at least bring it down to a manageable level. Here are some ideas:

– Do deep breathing

– Tell yourself this is time limited

– Don’t take it personally; this is his/her issue

– Remove yourself from the situation and shift focus

– Strategize how to avoid similar situations in the future and let it go

During the divorce it is imperative that you have great self-care. So many people and things are pulling on you that if you don’t get good sleep, exercise and eat well, you will not be good for anyone. When fighters are going into the ring, they have a good diet, get sleep and get themselves psyched up for a good fight. Let’s face it, divorce is no walk in the park and even though I’ve seen some amicable ones, many turn into a “fight ‘til the death.”

Learn quickly what you can and can’t control and let it go. Accept your current reality but never let go of hope for a better tomorrow. Keep moving forward and as hard as it is, let the negative emotions go or you will suffer physically and mentally. Do your best and let go of expectations. Think things through at your pace so you don’t have the stress of doubting your decisions down the road.

Remember this too shall pass but in the mean time, let’s keep the stress level down.

]]>http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/reduce-your-stress-during-divorce/feed/0I’ve Called the Lawyer, Now What?http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/ive-called-the-lawyer-now-what/
http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/ive-called-the-lawyer-now-what/#respondWed, 30 May 2018 17:24:05 +0000http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/?p=547People going through a divorce think once they hire a lawyer, they are fine. Not so! There is so much more that goes into a divorce. Although your attorney is the key piece, there are several pieces to this puzzle. Divorce is an emotional, spiritual, financial and legal mine field; therefore you need a team approach.

Thinking of divorce is overwhelming and an area one might not know how to navigate (unless of course you are Elizabeth Taylor and divorced 7 times)! So for those of you not so experienced in divorce, here is a guideline.

#1 Hire a divorce coach and here are the reasons why it’s worth the investment. A divorce coach will pull everything together for you, which includes:

Assist you to determine what is most important to you in the divorce process;

Assist you to create goals for what you want for you and your family presently and moving forward;

Identify and prioritize your concerns;

Assist you in managing the emotions that are part of the divorce process and in reducing stress;

Assist you to strengthen your communication skills and to communicate your needs;

Teach you conflict resolution skills;

Assist you in developing co-parenting skills;

Assist you in developing a parenting plan with your spouse; and

Assist you in setting up post divorce goals.

Help you understand each stage of the divorce

Will give you unbiased, objective and educated information

Reduce the cost of the divorce

Accessibility

#2 Decide what type of divorce process works best for the both of you.

There is litigated, collaborative and mediation. Litigated is the most common and ‘traditional’ divorce where each party gets their own attorney and financial person. Just because the word litigated is used, doesn’t mean you will end up in court but that is always an option. In collaborative, both parties have their own attorney but a financial neutral and a divorce coach/mental health professional that work as part of their ‘team’. This type of divorce proves to be less contentious and opens up communication between parties. Mediation is the third choice where by the parties go to a neutral mediator and come up with an agreement, which they then bring to their own attorneys to review.

#3 Interview and hire the appropriate attorney or mediator.

If you choose to go the collaborative route, you will need to find an attorney specifically trained in collaborative. Remember, you are hiring an attorney to get you the best agreement possible, not to be your new best friend.

#4 Meet with your financial professional that works closely with your attorney.

It’s always advantageous to work with people who have a good working relationship with your attorney.

#5 If appropriate to your case, meet with an estate attorney before mediation so that all changes/issues can be addressed before or at mediation and not after the ink has dried on your agreement.

#6 Meet with a financial planner before mediation as well. You need to have a clear picture of what your future will look like before you start negotiating.

Just like every marriage is unique, so is every divorce. Just because your friend or family member used a certain attorney or wrote their agreement on the back of a napkin over wine, doesn’t mean yours can be that way. Do your due diligence and you need to feel comfortable about your choices and decisions. This will be the first step and the most important one, into your new life.

]]>http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/ive-called-the-lawyer-now-what/feed/0Is Divorce Right for You?http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/is-divorce-right-for-you/
http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/is-divorce-right-for-you/#respondMon, 14 May 2018 14:12:52 +0000http://www.transformationthrudivorce.com/?p=541Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men,

Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Is this how you are feeling about your marriage? Are there just too many pieces to sort through and glue back? Are you overwhelmed with it all and think sweeping them up, throwing the pieces away and starting over will be easier?

Well, it could be but before you grab your car keys and head to the nearest attorney’s office, let’s have a little chat. Your feelings vacillate on any given day and people say they want a divorce but then go back and forth a few times before staying or going. Divorce impacts your family, children, lifestyle and finances, so take this decision seriously and make it based on facts and not emotion.

The phrase that I hear over and over like a broken record is, “I’m afraid I’m making a mistake.” So let’s explore the questions you can ask yourself as you ponder whether you should start packing your bags.

Have you faced the problems honestly and openly with each other and looked at possible solutions within the marriage? Could this perceived marital breakdown just be the result of external pressures taking its toll or is it a repeated behavior that has caused irreparable damage? Are you going through a difficult time or have you truly fallen out of love with no chance to rekindle that spark?

The million-dollar question here is, “Do you want it to work?” If it is a resounding yes, then commit to a game plan and see it through. A transient problem, with time and communication, can work itself out. All options must be thrown on the table during this time and threats of divorce need to be banned from conversations or disagreements. On the other hand, if the answer is you’re not sure, then read on.

If you are seriously thinking of sitting across from each other at the mediation table, do yourself a favor and end it with no doubts or regrets. The following are some questions that will help you in your decision.

– Is there a way to fall back in love?

– Are the two of you willing to change and/or compromise?

– Is there constant fighting over the same issues that never gets resolved?

– Are your morals, core beliefs and values vastly different?

– Is there sexual incompatibility?

– Does your spouse continually throw up any previous misgivings and can’t get past it?

– When you are with your spouse, do you look to have other people join you so you don’t have to be alone with him/her?

Moving forward towards a divorce is never an easy decision and should never be taken lightly as it will affect you for the rest of your life. That being said, being in a loveless, non-fulfilling marriage will also have a negative impact on you, your children and your health. When making this momentous decision, make it with clarity of mind and heart, be honest with yourself and explore all options before you. At the end of the day, it took two to say, “I Do” and it needs to take two to say, “I want to stay.”

If you decide divorce is the right decision for you, exit the marriage with dignity and integrity. Not only will the decision to part ways affect your life but also how you handle it will impact your future.

Debbie Martinez is a certified life coach specializing in divorce as well as a Florida Supreme Court certified family mediator with a private practice in South Carolina. She can be contacted at www.transformationthrudivorce.com