To the Citizens of the United States of AmericaFrom Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary).

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally,
you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

2.
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as U. S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated
letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only
be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot
grouse.

5.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the
benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication
will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.

9.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

10.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper
football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time,
be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full Kevlar body amour like a bunch of nannies).

11.
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event
called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your
error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the
Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

12.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

13.
An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of
all monies due (backdated to 1776).

14.
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies)
and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in
season.

God Save The Queen

“Men never commit evil so fully and joyfully as when they do it for religious convictions.” – Blaise Pascal

You forgot the words ending in 'er' that should end 're', like 'centre'. I reckon Madge should see that HTML's next incarnation should be fixed to reflect this. Then we'll see all those outdated web pages suddenly take a step to the left

Seeing that someone will have to pay the same as us in petrol made my day. Is this Schadden-Freude?
Anyone else notice the prices are finally bellow £1/litre now? It's still too ruddy much.

Someone on another forum asked to see the rebuttal, here it is: (although Tony disputes the right side of the road thing )

In the light of your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments (most notably the French) and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a commonwealth of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal codes. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London and far more cultural. We believe the main reason why Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II does not fancy Utah is because it will turn her already sagging and dry skin into a rather hard leathery shell. Besides people over the age of 80 just do not know what they are talking about 75% of the time - the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip is a prime example of this and his son Prince Charles is fast following his example. If you want a national figure head appoint someone much younger and far more attractive.

To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are to be introduced with immediate effect:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "alumium" for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminum" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry.

However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Chester Minor.

The letter “U" will be removed from words such as “armour" and “neighbour". Skipping the letter “U" is not considered laziness on our part since the correct pronunciation of those words would be “ar-moo-er" and “nay-boo-er"

You will also end your love affair with the letter “S" (and by the way, it is pronounced zee, not zed. The pronunciation “zee" actually comes from late 17th-century English dialect) and the suffix -ise will be replaced with the suffix -ize.

You also seem to pronounce words horribly wrong, even in your own language. Let’s take Edinburgh for example. You will realize that it is pronounced “Ed-in-burg", not “Ed-in-burra". Where does the –rra come from? If you wish to refer to it still as Edinburgh, we suggest you remove the last two letters and replace them with –rra.

Cockney rhyming slang will no longer be used, as it is an inefficient way to communicate with another. Say what you mean, there is no need to find another word that rhymes with the word you are trying to say.

2. Since you will switch to the American standard of spelling Microsoft will be notified on your behalf to discontinue the British language pack for the family of Office products.

3. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue. (Here’s a hint: If you hear the word “eh" while speaking to someone, this is a clear indication that they are Canadian. Example: Nice weather we’re having, eh?)

You will also have to learn Southern accents. Cops will no longer broadcast subtitles.

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, your music industry is great. We’ll leave that intact. (The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple, Iron Maiden and Muse just to name a few). And please stop going on about Shakespeare, the guys been dead for nearly 400 years.

5. It is inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies, especially if that monarch has no role other than ceremonially. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. Rule Britannia will be the tune with which you will sing your next national anthem to. We will get to work on the lyrics immediately.

6. “Football" as you call it will be a permissible pastime, although you will be required to call it soccer. Police officers will be placed at strategic points around the field and riot gear will always be nearby. If you do cause an incident, we will tear your beloved “Football" away from you faster than you can say “Bangers and Mash". The NFL will be started in the UK as well as college Football (The American one) teams. We welcome any two of your rugby players to play an American Football player anytime. We will also be happy to show your rugby players how to wear proper protective gear, so they don’t lose brain cells every time they play.

7. You will not be allowed to own guns. This is because you fail to see how harmless wooden shields and spears are compared to a weapon capable of firing a projectile at upwards of 1,300 feet per second (Refer to the Anglo-Zulu War). You only pretend to be pompous intellects because you don’t have the testicular fortitude to own a gun, and thus only rely on drive by insults.

8. The 5th of November will no longer be celebrated. The 4th of July will replace this celebration and become a nationally recognized holiday, thus reminding you of when 13 of your most productive colonies decided not to recognize you as their ruler.

9. We have German cars, and think they are ugly and uncomfortable. British cars will be banned, as they are too small (height wise) for any person to fit into. We will airlift several hundred thousand Pontiacs, Buicks, and Cadillacs. American cars were crap, we agree, in the 70’s until the late 90’s. Since then, American cars are quite well built, very comfortable, and get good gas mileage.

All roundabouts will be replaced with intersections. You will begin to drive on the right side of the road, seeing as the majority of cars that are driven in the world are. You will convert to the American standard (gallons instead of liters). Litre will be spelled Liter.

10. Anything fried in animal fat will be banned. (This includes your precious “chips") Belgium was at one time a part of France, so calling them French fries does not seem too far off. To end confusion, thinly sliced pieces of potato (called crisps in the UK) will be referred to as chips, not crisps. Chips will be called French fries, or more commonly, fries.

11. A picture of a Native American will appear inside the state of Massachusetts on all British Tea. He will affectionately be known as “Bosty".

12. American Microbreweries will be established and you will see how Beer is supposed to taste. We do enjoy Killian’s Irish Red though (Good job Ireland, for your recipe at least). That company will be incorporated with Samuel Adams.

13. You will no longer be allowed to call it petrol, for it is called gasoline. You will adopt the American pricing standard for it (roughly around 35p/liter).

14. The American legal system grows and changes because we don’t live under the impression that our legal system is infallible. We wholeheartedly believe that the British could take a lesson from the way that the Americans respect but don’t worship their legal system. We have a channel called C-SPAN that broadcasts live from our chambers of law (the House and Senate) and occasionally broadcasts British Parliament. We tune to that channel solely to chuckle at how infantile and unorganized your lawmakers are.

We find it especially amusing that our government observes parliamentary procedure whilst (by the way that word is ours now) yours seemingly does not.

15. We will tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for the abomination known as “Teletubbies". Anne Wood will be promptly ordered to pay a fee of $2,500 for any person who suffered psychological abuse due to watching the afore mentioned show.

16. Taxes will be imposed on British citizens for all damages incurred by the British during the Revolutionary War and War of 1812.

stormblade wrote:13. You will no longer be allowed to call it petrol, for it is called gasoline. You will adopt the American pricing standard for it (roughly around 35p/liter).

for that i'll marry my sister and change my name to cletus then spend all day sitting on my porch drinking moonshine and shooting the black slaves doing my gardening

Don't hold back now.... tell us how you really feel.

hey my only window into american life is from the simpsons, the election and old westerns but please tell me if im wrong?

Well, let's see. Since there are about 3 billion of us, you can come up with just about any stereotype you'd like and it's likely to apply to some percentage of the population. So I can't technically tell you that you're wrong. Once upon a time my only window into British life was Monty Python and Mr. Bean. However I thought it was a fair assumption that the entire country didn't sing about being a lumberjack and walk funny. But, hey, that's just me. By all means you're welcome to whatever perspective you're comfortable with.

“It is the peculiar nature of the world to go on spinning no matter what sort of heartbreak is happening.”― Sue Monk Kidd, The Secret Life of Bees: