How to travel with other people harmoniously.

“Think of me as the everyman’s Michael Palin.”

I travel on so much public transport and so i’ve become the captain of making it an easier journey. One of the worst things about travelling with ‘others’ is having to sit next to them. So below are some handy hints and tips to stop people from sitting next to you on public transport.

1. Hold a hat on your hand so people think the seat next to you is already taken
2. Maintain eye contact with the person walking towards you and as they approach, smile and pat the seat and beckon them to join you.
3. Have loud annoying telephone conversations
4. Play 90’s trance music or death metal, loudly from your smart phone
5. Fart.
6. Cry
7. Buy two seats
8. Pretend to be asleep
9. Talk to yourself
10. Wear a Burka
11.Bring egg mayonnaise sandwiches
12. Buy a copy of the Financial Times and open it right out.
13. Bring a small child who has eaten a packet of skittles 20 mins before departure
14. Only travel to cities where no one goes, like Edinburgh (11 other months of the year.)
15. Poke your elbows out and claim you suffer from arthritis
16. Never travel attractively.
17. In a deep southern accent, ‘Seats taken.’ It worked in Forrest Gump
18. Be overweight and if you aren’t fat enough wear all of your clothes that you packed
19. Bring your boyfriend pillow and dress him in your coat.
20. Learn to drive