It’s truly astounding just how quickly everything can become truly and utterly fucked up. If anyone is still reading this blog, they’ll have noticed that this is my first post in a very long time. At least it seems like a long time. Like ages. A lot has happened between the last post and this one and I’m trying to think of one part of it all that was good. I’m still alive so that’s good… I suppose. Anyway, I’ve been in what is called “crisis”. I’ve been doing everything I can to stay out of the fucking hospital where they put people that they simply don’t know what to do with. I’ve known people that have gone into those hospitals and I can say from personal observation and stories from those that have been in there that (a.) they don’t help anyone, much less “cure” them and (b.) people look far worse and shockingly more unhealthy when they come out than when they went in. So, I don’t want to go and I hope that none of the shrinks I’ve been seeing decide that I need to go in because I will fight to defend my life and health and so it wouldn’t be good for either me or whoever they send to come get me. It wouldn’t be pretty. In fact, it would be a fucking disaster for everyone involved.

There’s really no describing what all has transpired unless you have bipolar disorder. Otherwise it would be as futile as trying to accurately describe what an orange tastes like to someone who’s never tasted one. It’s simply impossible. There’s this goddamned stigma around bipolar disorder (and other mental health issues) that just befuddles and scares a lot of people who don’t experience life as I (and all the others like me) do. Fuck them. If they or someone they loved had the same shit then they would certainly look to be more educated and understanding of the situation. What little money I had is now completely gone because I’ve been having to pay for a hell of a lot of shrink visits. They aren’t cheap, but if you don’t go then they can have you put into one of those goddamned hospitals I mentioned. It’s a fucked up situation because no workplace is going to have you when you’re like this and yet there is no discount for being in crisis and out of work so money rapidly drains away. The bills don’t stop just because life is falling apart. This is really a cold-hearted country and that cold-heartedness becomes undeniably evident when it comes to healthcare for either mental or physical problems that renders you unable to bring any money to keep up with the mounting costs and bills. One can only borrow so much from friends and family as they don’t have much to begin with and who knows how long it will be before you can pay them back. It places a great strain on everyone. But you don’t want to be referred to a county mental health resource because, depending on the county, you could end up a prisoner who is forced-drugged into stupor for an indefinite time because you have no say whatsoever regarding when you can leave. They get funding so if they aren’t spending that money (keeping people locked up and drugged) then they lose funding. That’s not a place you want to be. There aren’t many things I become aggressive about but someone attempting to drag me off to one of those places would definitely be one of those things I’d become aggressive as hell about. I’d fight like a rabid bear to stay out of one of those places.

Why can’t this country come up with a better solution for helping people who desperately need it than dragging them off to places that aren’t fit for a cockroach to live in and forcing drugs into them until they are almost comatose? Personally I believe it has to do with a complete lack of understanding, a lust for money that utterly overrides compassion, and a sickening disregard for human life and dignity. I will not be dragged off to a “hospital” to be restrained, drugged, and abused… thank you very much.