Fear, Faith, and the Path of Desire

by Lynn Brewer Feb 13, 2016

Sometimes, I really hate living the left-hand path.The left-hand path is the path of the feminine, the path of Orgasm, the path of where your desire wants to take you. It’s a path best not started, but once it is started, it must be completed.

I keep reminding myself that I started this path. I wanted it. I made this path for myself and chose it willingly. On this path, desire acts as both my compass and my fuel. It’s the thing that guides my decisions instead of fear.

Fear-based decisions are made by people every day. It’s why we go to jobs we hate, because we’re afraid of being without money that gets translated into food and shelter. It’s why we stay in relationships that no longer serve us, because we’re afraid of being alone. It’s why we continue unhealthy patterns even after realizing how unhealthy they are, because they are comfortable and we’re afraid of change.

When I think about leaving my path and going back to my old life — solitary, numbing, unhappy, and guided by fear — I feel physically ill. I know, and my body knows, that I am no longer meant for that path. There is no going back. There is only going forward with desire. I learned how to do that through OM, where I had the chance to practice trusting my intuition and feel my way towards the next right stroke.

It’s the uncertainty that I hate the most about the left-hand path. The not-knowing where my own desires will take me or if I will be ready to follow where it goes. I like being prepared, and not knowing means I can’t be prepared. The only thing I can do is trust and have faith in myself and my resourcefulness that when the desire calls, I will not only know to follow it, I will know how to improvise my way towards it.

Faith is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life. At the age of eight, I lost faith in my parents, God, and authority of any kind. But what I do have faith in is myself. I trust my desire. I trust my body. I trust what they both tell me. Even when they guide me to places that don’t make sense from the outside, I put enough faith in them to take the next step, and the next one, and the one after that. And that’s all a path is: a long continuum of step after step, mile after mile, heading towards something you have yet to see but have faith will be there.