Take my advice…I don’t use it anyway. Part 21

IF YOU ARE GONNA SHAG ONE OF YOUR MATES, BE PREPARED FOR THE CONSEQUENCES – You have had the mild flirtation for a while, you get on well and you find them incredibly attractive so one drunken night you act on your animal instinct. Things will be awkward for while…but ride it out…don’t lose a mate because you couldn’t hold your liquor…or onto your knickers for that matter.

IF YOUR ACRYLIC NAIL FALLS OFF DO NOT STICK IT BACK ON WITH SUPERGLUE – It will gather fungus and turn a putrid shade of green. Apparently. I wouldn’t know or anything.

REALLY? YOU’RE REALLY GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BOWL OF PASTA? – Yeah OK, go right ahead. Don’t come crying to me when you are more swollen than you are svelte on the beach this summer.

HECKLING PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE TRYING TO GIVE A SPEECH IS NOT BIG AND IT’S NOT CLEVER – Geez, the amount of 21St’s and weddings I’ve been to where they just don’t give the poor person a chance to say the words they’ve been agonising over. And yelling ‘shut the fuck up, blah blah wants to speak’ – just kinda takes away the class from the entire event…so I’ll do it for you…ehrm…’Shut the fuck up, and let him/her speak!’ Attention seeking dickheads.

HAVING SEX IN THE SHOWER IS OVERRATED – I’m sorry. But it is. It is also an accident waiting to happen. ESPECIALLY if you have a shower curtain and not a door. Ouch.

LEARN TO WALK IN HIGH HEELS – Seriously girlie’s…it’s like watching Bambie learn to walk sometimes. Bloody knees buckling everywhere and you just look more awkward than you do sexy. Get with the programme and practice at home.

LISTEN YOU OVERLY SKINNY BITCHES WHO CARRY ON ABOUT BEING ‘TOO SMALL TO FIT INTO ANYTHING’ OR FACEBOOK UPDATES ABOUT ‘NEEDING AN XXXXX-SMALL AND CAN’T FIND IT ANYWHERE’ – YOU. ARE. FOOLING. NOBODY – You know you look hot, so shut the fuck up. Or I will kill you. Or at least stand sideways so that I can’t see you.