Loneliness – An Abstract Thought?

Have you ever felt like you were alone, but in fact you were in a room full of people? I have felt like that, many, many times and I have often wondered – why? Why do I feel alone right now? I mean, I could be sitting at a dining table with several other people and still feel alone… But, why?

Being ‘Alone’ is a state. It’s just a fact,

“She was alone”.

But, feeling ‘lonely’ is an emotion and that ‘lonely’ emotion can be based on fact and evidence, for example,

“All by herself in the park, felt very lonely”

Or that emotion can come from a far more abstract place, a place where the ‘lonely’ emotion itself is not really quantified by the facts that surround it. For example,

“She was in a lonely crowd”.

I went to the cinema last night to see Inside Outthe latest Pixarfilm; it’s a masterpiece. The main theme and moral that my thirsty heart quenched from it, was a reminder. A reminder to express ALL of your emotions, not just the happy ones – ALL OF THEM.

This reminder lead me gently, by the hand, back to my ‘loneliness’ conundrum and encouraged me to reflect on how I express myself and it was then that I realised the bold and triumphant truth. I feel lonely because I dilute myself and I adapt myself depending on my surroundings. I dilute myself because I am scared, because I don’t like the laughs and ridicule that the truth evokes. I dilute myself because I care about whether or not I fit in. I dilute myself because I worry that I am unworthy in certain company. I dilute myself because I hate confrontation, I could go on…

The problem is, that at that moment in time when I am diluting and blending with my surroundings I am compromising myself and I turn grey. But if I would only allow myself to be consistently Inside Out (regardless of the bitter, jealous and hateful reactions that my dreamers point-of-you often arouses), then my rainbow colours and sparkles could flourish and shine.

So the tingle pop in this instance is; that perhaps my loneliness is caused by an innate instinct to disguise myself. Therefore my subconscious knows that when I am wearing this disguise, I am really alone (my real self is alone in a corner somewhere, turning grey). I have self inflicted loneliness on to myself by not being secure enough to let certain people know the real me.

I literally spend a good portion of my life reflecting the Outside In, perpetuating the loneliness problem. Forcing that bubbly and jovial spirit into adark corner by herself, making her feel ‘lonely’ and forcing her to adopt a more appropriate façade; telling myself, “people don’t get you”, “quieten down”, “mimic what they do”.

I have decided to challenge myself to consistently reflect the Inside Out as opposed to the Outside In and not just with my kindred spirits, soul brothers and sisters, who see the real me all the time – but with the people who make me feel vulnerable, they should get to see my rainbows and sparkles too, even if they aren’t ready yet. I believe that this would optimise my sense of self, health and growth.

After all, if I am too diluted to speak my truth, then everything I am saying and conveying is just noise.

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