Things no one tells you about being a parent

I’ve been reading a bunch of good parenting books for a Litquake event that I’m emceeing next month, and learning a lot of interesting stuff. But no matter how many books you read, classes you attend, etc., there are always a few things that will suckerpunch you as a new parent.

www.Sandalreading.com

Another tree dies for “Goodnight Moon.”

Here are my current Top 3:

1. Your child’s breath will become atrocious: We brush our little guy’s teeth regularly and he still smells like he’s been masticating on chili cheese fries and Burger King onion rings all day. Seriously — I’m planning to ask my pediatrician if I can shove a couple of those little breath strips in my child’s mouth. Does anyone sell baby Binaca?

2. Fourteen different people will give you “Goodnight Moon”: I don’t know how many copies of this ubiquitous book exist in the U.S., but there have to be at least a billion. And unlike “Where the Wild Things Are” — 11 different people will give you a copy of that — it’s not even very good. Acknowledging that I’m being a total jerk to more than one person who was thoughtful enough to think of our son, how many trees have to die so we can all have a copy of “Goodnight Moon” for every room in the house?

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Not worth crying over.

3. You cry during bad movies: A Chronicle colleague who will remain nameless (OK, you twisted my arm, it’s Joe Garofoli), admitted to me recently that he got a little weepy during a father/daughter scene in “Cheaper by the Dozen 2.” (He was chaperoning his daughters to the movie.) I’ve been taunting him relentlessly, but have to admit I had the same experience while reviewing “Chicken Little,” influencing my emotions enough to give that sub-mediocre film a positive review. And don’t even get me started on what an episode of “Little House on the Prairie” will do to me.