Date: Sat, 19 May 2012 16:48:24 -0700 (PDT)
From: J M
Subject: A New Beginning: The Complete Story
This story is a work of pure fiction. It's completely my own. You may have
seen it posted on other sites before, but wanted to post the complete
eleven chapters here. I hope you enjoy the story and would love to hear
your feedback.
##############################################################
CHAPTER ONE
"Good morning, as we prepare to make our initial descent towards London
Heathrow Airport, please gather your carry-on items and return your tray
tables & seatbacks to the upright & locked positions."
My eyes fluttered open, still half-asleep in the early morning hours. The
red-eye. It couldn't be more true. I stumbled out of my seat and towards
the lavatory to splash some water on my face.
Door locked. Bad lighting. Bed head. All things considered though, after 7
hours in an airplane seat, I didn't look half-bad. I guess those "bed
seats" could be worse. Whatever. Still tall, lean and tan - from my regular
workouts and morning runs outdoors. But the dark bags under my eyes were a
disaster. Definitely sunglasses on as I leave the plane - can't have the
first Brits who see me, see this mess.
***
"Excuse me, sir - are you Mr. Jones?" I heard someone to the right of me
ask. I had cleared customs, picked-up my bag and was walking out of the
airport. I turned. "Who would know that I'm here," I thought to
myself. Then I saw my name on his card - ah, the driver. A driver. Jane
must have called ahead and scheduled it for me. Thank god for Jane.
"Yes, that's me - thanks so much for coming to get me," I replied and
followed him out of the airport.
I sank into the plush back seat of the long, black car as the driver pulled
out into traffic and steered us away from the airport.
"This your first time in London, sir?" the driver asked me.
"No, no - I've been a few times before, but always for business. This time
it's not for business."
"Ah, vacation, sir - holiday. You've picked one of the best cities in the
world, if I do say so myself."
I looked-up and made eye contact with him in the rear-view mirror. He was
cute. I shook the thought away. "Not exactly vacation, but thanks - looking
forward to spending some time here."
I could tell from the look in his eyes he didn't completely understand me,
but that didn't matter. As long as he got me where I needed to go.
***
I found myself staring at the ceiling. I had checked into my hotel, The
Ritz, a couple of hours earlier and had declined their offers of assistance
with making dinner reservations. I haven't eaten in 48 hours, but I'm just
not hungry. And I'm alone. I haven't gone out to dinner by myself in a long
time.
I'm laying on this giant bed, with the drapes closed. Just staring at the
ceiling. And feeling sorry for myself.
***
London was supposed to be an escape. A diversion. I'm only 29. I shouldn't
have to deal with something like this so young. I can't believe it. I still
start to cry whenever I think about it. He's dead. Gone. And, me - I'm
alone.
***
I've now been staring at the ceiling for six hours. I have to get out. I
have to... do... something.
I drag myself out of bed, and into the bathroom. I turn on the shower and
let the steam fill the room as I strip off my clothes. I stare at my naked
body in the mirror. 6'3" tall. Blonde. A few days beard growth. Shaving has
been such a bother recently. Still some tan. I haven't given up my runs
yet. It's the only way I'm able to start my days it seems. A light dusting
of hair on my chest. Flat stomach. Strong. Athletic. A good body. A single
body. Just me. Alone.
I climb into the large, glass-enclosed shower and soap myself up. Letting
the water run over my hair and down my body. I soap my chest, my pits and
down to my cock. As if I needed any more evidence of what life has been
like in the last nine months - I don't think I've been hard once. My
flaccid dick. 7 inches soft. Just hangs there.
***
Dressed. Buttoned-up & clean-cut on the outside. A train-wreck on the
inside. I skip down the flight of stairs, out of the hotel, into the
street.
"Have a good evening, sir," the door man - door boy - says to me. I meet
his eyes. Cute. There's a glint of humor and good-nature in them. He can't
be more than 18.
"Thanks..." is all I can mumble as I walk past and down the street.
***
Years ago, on my first trip to London, I had found this little café. It was
tucked away on a side street. Quaint. And, above all, quiet.
I sought it out.
Turning corners. Dodging cars.
The light was fading. About seven, maybe eight. I had left my watch in New
York.
***
Walking.
Looking down.
Sunglasses on. The darkness creeping.
Sunglasses off. Exposed to the night.
***
I found it by nine. And opened the door, slipping inside. I made eye
contact with the waitress, and she guided me to an empty table.
"Are you expecting someone to join you, dear?" she asked me.
"No, just me this evening" I murmured back. Quietly. Almost to myself. I
sat there for awhile, lost in thought, reading the menu. And finally
ordered something - wasn't sure if I would eat it. But it seemed strange to
not have anything in front of me. The waitress brought me the food. I
pushed it around on my plate with a fork.
***
I watched the other people in the
restaurant. Couples. Groups. Laughing. Talking.
I was deep in thought when someone touched my elbow. Very gently. But it
took me by surprise.
"So sorry to disturb you, but I couldn't help noticing - you've been
sitting here for quite a while, pushing your food around your plate with
your fork. Don't you like it?"
I turned. He was leaning towards me from the table next to mine. He was
with a group of friends, and they seemed to just continue their
conversation as he turned to me.
"Um, well - I'm not really hungry. But, thanks for asking." I spat out.
Quickly. Roughly. Too rough. But I had barely spoken to anyone all day. I
was shocked that he had even noticed. I looked at him, met his eyes. Pale,
clear & grey. Kind. Soft.
"Well, mate - you should really give it a shot. It's quite good." He
offered in reply.
I laughed quietly, "I appreciate the encouragement. I'll give it a try."
"American?" He said to me - I took it as a question and replied with a
quick nod. "Why are you here all by yourself?"
"Well, that's a long story. And I don't want to keep you from dinner with
your friends," I responded.
He smiled. That smile. Simple. Generous. It said so much.
He turned away and back to his friends. I thought we were done. I looked
back down at my plate and sighed. Things will get better I thought to
myself. And I resumed picking at my food - pushing it around my plate. My
mind wandering. Adrift. Alone. Alone in a sea of noise and people and
smells and laughter.
***
I looked up with a start as I heard the chair drag across from me drag
across the stone floor. It was him. Grey eyes. He was pulling out the chair
across from me and sitting down.
"I just couldn't let you eat alone in London..."
#################################################
CHAPTER TWO
"I, uh, I - I'm really okay, but thank you," I said to him as he started to
sit down across from me. "Plus, I don't want to take you away from your
friends, it looks like a fun bunch."
"Relax, mate - it's not a big deal," he smiled back to me. "I'm Todd."
"Nice to meet you. I'm John," I replied. I left it at that. I wasn't sure
what to say. I was still startled by his approach. We sat there in silence
for a minute or so, me staring awkwardly. Him smiling back at me. He broke
the silence.
"What brings you to London, fella? Especially alone?"
"I just needed to get out of New York for a little while, needed a change
of pace - a different scene. New York was feeling very heavy."
"Well, a cryptic, if honest response."
I smiled. Thinly. Quickly. But a smile. The first in days.
"Oh! Don't think I didn't see that," he laughed, "I saw that smile."
"Its known to happen from time-to-time, just not recently. I think I may
actually head home, it was very nice to meet you, but I'll let you get back
to your dinner."
"Wait, wait - why are you rushing off? We just met." He protested as I
started to stand up from the table. "Plus, you still have to pay your
bill."
He winked.
Dying inside. Devastated and heartbroken. Alone in a strange land. With a
handsome stranger, a kind stranger attempting to make a connection with
me. But, I couldn't respond. Not yet. Too soon. Too much.
I sat back down. I didn't really have anywhere to go anyway.
***
Somehow, things had started to flow naturally... the conversation came to
us... came to me. Those first few minutes turned into an hour. Before we
knew it, it was closing time.
***
"Todd, it has been a sincere pleasure having dinner with you. Thanks so
much for your time."
The bill had been paid and with that I stood up from the table to head for
the door. As far as I was concerned it was over. The dinner was nice. He
was good company. But, I couldn't be more than that. And it seemed like
that's what he wanted. More. Deeper. Something.
Without turning back I pushed open the door and headed into the night. I
turned the corner, picked up my pace. Why was I running? Why did I need to
get away? Why was I so scared? I shook the thoughts away. Feet hitting the
pavement. Home. Well, hotel. The only mindset I had was getting to the
hotel.
I heard footsteps behind me. "Oy, hey - John - hey!" I heard from
behind. It was Todd, he was following me.
I stopped and whirled around quickly. And he almost ran into me. Coming to
a stop just inches away. "Fella, what's going on? Was it something I said?
Why are you running away?"
"I'm sorry, Todd. I just don't think I can be what you're looking for."
Although, I had to admit to myself - he was good looking. Almost my
height. Dark, deep tan skin. Dark hair. A disarming accent & an infectious
laugh. And perfect shape. But, really - it was just looks. And I wasn't
looking for it.
"John, relax - please. I'm not looking for anything. Except to keep you
company. I feel like you need it. I know there's something going on, and I
just don't like to see people - even those I've just met - sad."
"Todd... I just. I've had a lot of stuff going on. And my heads not in the
right place. I apologize for leaving so quickly."
"Its okay. Let's walk."
He took me gently by the arm and guided me around a corner. I was surprised
by how close he stood next to me as we walked. Our shoulders pressed
together. Me stunned, in silence. Him, quiet. We walked together. Pressed
together. Quietly together. I could hear his breath - in and out - and from
the corner of my eyes watched his chest - rise and fall.
All of a sudden, he spoke - "here we are."
I raised my eyes to meet his - questioning. "Where are we?"
"The water, mate - the river. Look," he said pointing ahead.
I turned. And looked. The buildings along the Thames, alight. Glowing.
Winking to me. I drank it in. Felt the breeze coming off the water. The air
filled with moisture. I felt him take my hand.
My hand.
My fingers. Intertwined with his.
He pulled me.
Towards the stone wall. Stopping. Leaning.
Elbows on the wall.
Quiet. Calm. Reserved.
"Todd, what are we doing here? Why are you here?" I had to ask. I just
didn't understand what was going on.
"John, the real question is - why are you here? Why are you in London?"
I didn't respond. I just looked - from him to the river to the buildings
and back to him. I shrugged my shoulders
He continued, "I find you. Alone. At dinner. Not eating. Just staring."
We were facing each other now. Half-leaning against the stone wall. He was
looking me squarely in the face. I was looking down at the ground. "John,
two hours at the café. Talking. And all I've learned is that you live in
New York. You grew up in Washington, DC. You work in advertising. That
you've taken a couple of weeks off. You have an assistant named Jane."
He paused. "John, I know the name of your assistant. I know you love
Italian food. But I don't know who or what put you in the state you're
in. Tell me."
I looked up to meet his eyes. Trying to stop the tears from my running down
my cheeks. "Todd, it's. It's. It's too much. I just don't think I can talk
about it right now."
He reached out and took my hand again in his. And smiled. That soft, kind
smile. "Don't cry, fella," he whispered as he stepped closer. Our bodies
touching. He wrapped his arms around me.
Hugged me.
Tight.
Strong arms.
Safe.
Todd.
A stranger.
Alone, but not quite as alone as before.
I gave in. Rested my head against his chest. And let it all out.
Tears. Flowing.
Chest. Heaving.
And, he just hugged me tighter.
#################################################
CHAPTER THREE
At some point the tears stopped. There weren't anymore. But Todd continued
holding me tight. And I didn't resist. All my weight was rested on him. I
would've collapsed without him for support. I wasn't sure how long we stood
like that, but it must have been awhile. Eventually he whispered in my ear
"let's go" and led me down the path along the river. Not speaking. His arm
wrapped around my shoulders tight. My head still on his shoulder.
I couldn't believe that I had surrendered so completely and quickly to this
man who I barely knew. But at this point, I didn't care. I didn't have it
in me anymore. All I could think of what had happened over the last few
months. And how I wanted it to all come to an end.
***
Steven and I had met our last year of college and became fast friends.
After graduating we both moved to the city together and found a small
apartment in the village. We were inseparable. Best friends. The first year
or so we dated other people. Had fun. Lived our lives.
Eventually though, we both realized that the only person we wanted to be
with were each other. We were in love. Deeply. Truly. Intimately. For five
years, we lived in paradise. We worked hard. We discovered the best of the
city together - museums, restaurants. We traveled the world - he was with
me for my first trip to South America, to Africa.
We both had demanding jobs, but at the end of the day - there was always
the other.
No matter how rough my day may have been, I knew that soon I would be
home. And that Steven would be there waiting for me. With a kiss. And a
hug. And willing to hear everything I had to say about my day. No
complaints. Just kindness. Love. Passionately. Eleven months ago, our
paradise was ripped apart - Steven was diagnosed with an aggressive form of
brain cancer.
Two months later.
My partner. My husband. My love.
Was dead.
I still haven't recovered. My life has been a series of actions with no
emotion.
I can barely step foot in our apartment anymore. I choke up every time I
turn the key in the lock, because I know he won't be on the other side
waiting for me.
I cry when I open the closet doors and see his perfectly pressed suits
hanging there.
I sit and stare out the window.
I watch the rain.
As much as my work and my family and my friends had been a part of my life,
Steven was my life. And his death... it felt like I died inside. After a
month off, I threw myself back into work. And I've been trying -
desperately - to keep my focus there for the last six months. I've been
working 80, 90, 100 hours a week. I see my friends barely. Rarely.
Awkwardly. They are there; they always will be - it's me who has made it
awkward. I know they care - I just can't care back.
He's dead.
This trip. It was supposed to be... a distraction. My sister had given me
the ticket. My best friend booked the hotel. Jane, my Jane, I'd be lost
without her - she practically packed my bag. They all offered to go with
me. My brother. My father. They said it would be better if I wasn't alone.
I had to do it alone.
I'm here now. Alone.
***
I shook my head. Startled Todd. No longer by myself... but perhaps still
alone? We had been walking for awhile. In fact, as I rubbed my eyes, I
realized that day was just beginning to break. He steered me left. Down a
street. Up a ramp. Around a corner.
We hadn't spoken in hours. We had walked.
He hadn't asked any more questions. His silence mirrored my own.
We stopped.
I was staring at a stone building. I looked up. It was big. It was long. It
was... a church.
I turned to Todd, making eye contact for the first time since my breakdown
hours earlier. Questioning. Why were we here.
"John," he began, "I'm not sure what's happened to you. But I can tell that
it has torn you apart. Something at the very core of who you are has been
destroyed."
I just stared.
He continued, "I don't know much about you. I don't know who you are. But
there is something about you that I can't resist you. I can't stop wanting
to hold you. To support you. To sit in silence as long as you need me
to. Just so you know that someone is here." I didn't know what to say. "I
brought you here because it's quiet. It's calm. And we can just sit. I hope
that's okay."
He took me by the hand and led me into the church. I hadn't been in a
church since Steven's funereal. To be honest, I hadn't been in one much
before then either.
He led me into a side chapel. There were a few seats.
We sat.
In silence.
I rested my head on his shoulder. I sighed.
We sat.
One hour turned to two. And the light outside continued to build.
Night was turning to dawn turning to day.
Finally.
I spoke. I was quiet. Like a mouse. Barely a whisper. He leaned closer in
to hear me. He didn't turn to face me. He stared straight ahead. "Todd, I
came to London because I needed to escape New York."
I breathed deeply.
"Eleven months ago my partner was diagnosed with brain cancer."
Deep breaths.
"Nine months ago he died. In my arms. In our apartment."
If I had any tears left they would've been streaming down my face. Instead
I just wrapped my arm around Todd's waist.
"I haven't been the same since. I haven't known how to get up in the
morning. I haven't known how to go to sleep at night. I've been staying at
hotels. I've been working every minute I'm awake. I spend 27 hours a day
with my family and friends. I can't stop. When I stop all I can think about
is Steven. About him. I... I... I just don't know where to go next. My
family, my friends, hell - my assistant - insisted that I get out of
town. That I take a break from my life and spend some time getting back on
track."
He sat there. Taking it all in. Staring straight ahead.
"So, I'm here. I boarded the plane. I wore sunglasses to cover the bags
under my eyes from the tears and sleepless nights. I had a breakdown thirty
minutes into the flight when I discovered a picture of Steven and I that he
had stuck into my bag when we took a trip a year or two ago - I hadn't used
the bag since and didn't find the picture until we were over the
Atlantic. I wanted to jump out of the plane."
I straightened myself up. He was startled.
"So, that's my sad story. Talk about ruining your night."
He finally turned to face me. His eyes were watering.
"John, I know there's not much I can say to make things okay for you. But,
I knew when I saw you walk into the café that I needed to know you. And
this is part of you. And, I appreciate you sharing with me."
I just stared back at him. He put his hand on mine.
"I can't imagine what you've been through. You've known love. And...
to... lose... that. I... don't know how you've made it this far. But, you
have. And you'll make it further. Another day. The next day. Tomorrow."
I squeezed his hand.
"And as long as you're in London, those tomorrows will include me. You're
not alone."
Not alone.
What a dream.
I sighed.
I put my head back on his shoulder. He turned to face straight ahead.
Not alone.
Not.
Alone.
#################################################
CHAPTER FOUR
I awoke with a start. Cold sweat. Where am I?
Head up. Groggy. Left. Window.
Light.
Airplane.
London.
Night.
Man.
Todd.
Yes, Todd.
Church. Tears. Quiet.
Right. Up. Headache.
Down.
Tired.
I turn to the right and look at the alarm clock - 6pm.
The events of the last twenty-four hours come flooding back. Dinner.
Todd. Walking along the Thames. Todd. Meltdown. Melting. Down. Tears. My
story. The story. I told him. He listened.
Mind racing.
After sitting in silence for awhile in the church, Todd had walked me back
to The Ritz. The doorboy was there. The same one from last night. He
winked at me. Must've thought I had spent the night with Todd. I did. I
know. Just not in that way.He was such a gentleman.
I collapsed into my bed as soon as I reach my room. Fell asleep. That was
11am. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 hours ago. Ouch. All day.
I rolled over and looked back up at the ceiling. I was still fully
clothed. Kicked-off my shoes. Slid down my jeans. Underwear. Briefly
touched my cock. My balls. My hole. T-shirt off. Under the covers.
Back. To. Sleep.
*** Up. 9pm. Three more hours did me good.
Out of bed. Walk into bathroom.
Shower on. What's next. How. Where. When.
Questions becoming statements. There are no real answers.
Lather. Soap. Cock. Balls.
Thoughts running through my heads at a million miles an hour.
***
I finished my shower and walked back into the sitting room area of the
suite. I flopped on the couch, towel around my waist. The phone rang.
"Good evening, sir," I heard someone who must have worked for the hotel
saying. "I do apologize for the interruption. I've a gentlemen downstairs
who says you're expecting him."
"Um, yes - of course. Send him up."
Who could it be. Only one person I can think of.
A knock on the door. I'm just in a towel. I put on a robe.
"Just a minute," I mutter. Really to myself. No way whoever is on the other
side of the door could have heard that.
I open the door. It is him. Todd. "Hi there," I say - almost too
cheerfully. My attempt at playfulness falling flat. "It's nice to see you
again. I wasn't sure...after my performance in the last day... that you'd
ever want to see me again. Would you like to come in?"
I was talking to fast. Calm down.
He laughed - "don't worry, fella, it's nice to see you again as well. It
looks like I may have caught you at a bad time. So sorry about that." His
accent. The way he called me "fella" - it was... comfortable.
"Come in, come in." I left the door back in and walked towards the
couch. "Sorry, I just got out of the shower and wasn't expecting company."
"Well, I thought you must've slept for awhile after last night. And jet lag
and all that, but I thought I would drop round and see if you had plans for
the evening?"
"No," I laughed. Actually laughed. "I don't. What did you have in mind."
"A mate of mine, Connor, his band is performing. Any interest in seeing a
really mediocre band of almost middle-aged Brits performing their hearts
out?"
Laughter. Again. A new concept, "well when you put it like that, sure."
He laughed in response. He laughed with more than just his voice. I could
see the joy in his eyes. It was thrilling.
"Let me just get dressed, it won't take a minute. Help yourself to a drink
or something if you'd like."
I had walked into the bedroom, dropping my towel on the floor and standing
in front of the closet picking out something to wear.
"Thanks, John - you seem in much better spirits, if you'll allow me to say
so."
I poked my head around the door way to look at him - "yes, I actually slept
better than I have in months. Even if I did sleep the entire day away."
Ducking back into the bedroom, so he wouldn't see me, I continued, "plus,
it sort of helped spending that time with you... just felt cathartic. Very
comforting." I was nervous saying this. I wasn't sure how he'd
respond. What would he think I was trying to say? What I really wanted to
say was "thank you" for putting up with my craziness. I couldn't put that
into words though.
I could hear his muffled laughter from the other side of the wall. "Think
nothing of it - you needed a shoulder. I have two."
He was good, this one.
Jeans.
Shirt.
Belt.
Shoes.
Complete?
On the outside.
***
I asked the front desk to hail us a taxi, and in a matter of minutes we
were slipped inside of the back of a black London cab. We sat in silence,
each staring out our respective window. Watching the city fly by. Todd had
given the cab driver directions when we got into the cab and that was the
last thing he said until we arrived at the bar where his friend was to
perform.
Walking into the bar I wasn't quite sure what to expect - it looked like a
pretty rundown place from the front, but crossing the threshold I felt like
I was thrown back to some down & dirty rock & roll bar in the heart of the
village in New York. It felt fresh, and vintage, at the same time. I smiled
to myself.
Before I knew it Todd had ordered us both drinks and was introducing me to
the sizable group of his friends who had seemingly assembled to watch
Connor's band perform.
Around the horn... "pleasure to meet you"... "so great to be in
London".... "just arrived last night"... "Susan"... "how'd he sucker you
into this"... "Alex"... "where'd you guys meet"... until we had made it
through the entire group.
We clustered near the front of the room - right up by the stage - so we'd
be in a prime spot when Connor and his group performed. I didn't know any
of the words, and I barely knew the people I was surrounding myself with,
but I ended up having a thrilling time. I danced. I love to dance. I
drank. It felt good.
Rounds.
More rounds.
Drinks on me.
Drinks for the bar.
On me.
A good time. Had by all.
Head spinning.
Laughing.
Thrilling.
At one point in the evening I slid up next to Todd, who was standing at the
bar waiting to order a drink. I leaned in close. My hand on his
waist. Almost too familiar. "Todd, thanks so much for inviting me tonight -
I'm having a wonderful time."
He turned to me. Smiled. That smile. "Fella, it's clear to me - heck, to
everyone in the bar - that you're having a good time. I have to admit
though, I just love seeing you smiling." I laughed. "Well, yeah - I think
I'm having a pretty good time. Thanks to you."
"No sense standing around the bar then - let's get back to dancing."
***
It was about 3am. The two of us. Todd and I. Stumbling down the street.
Laughing at nothing. But laughing. I felt like a freshman in college. We
had left the bar a little while earlier, saying goodbye to all of Todd's
friends - and by default my new friends in London. I had an amazing
time. And it was still going on. I felt alive. Alive. What a wonder.
Somehow we stumbled upon a taxi and ended back at The Ritz.
Passed the doorboy. The same one. That wink. What does he think? I don't
care. Laughing, head thrown back.
Elevator.
Up.
Down the hall.
My room.
Do I invite him in? Am I ready.
I unlock the door and turn around. He's standing close.
He leans in.
A brief, soft kiss on the cheek.
"Good night, fella, I'll give you a ring after you sleep it off."
I stared. Should I ask?
His finger on my lips. Silencing me. He knows. Of course he does. He
anticipates it. What I'm thinking about asking.
"Sweet dreams." He smiles at me. And winks.
"Good night," is all I'm able to reply as he turns and heads back to the
elevator.
#################################################
CHAPTER FIVE
I woke up to light flooding through the windows and the phone ringing off
the hook. I dragged myself to the edge of the bed to answer it, almost
dropping it as I picked up the receiver. "Hulllo" I managed to mumbled as I
struggled to sit up and get my bearings.
"Morning, son," I heard from the other end of the line.
"Dad, what's going on?"
"Just checking on you - we hadn't heard from you since take-off, so we
wanted to make sure you had landed safely."
"Oh, yes, of course- I'm sorry I didn't call, I've been so out of it. I
wasn't even thinking."
"No need to apologize. You sound like you just woke up?"
"Yea, I actually don't even know what time it is."
He laughed, "that sounds like you. Get your ass out of bed!"
Laughing in response, "yes, sir."
"Do you have any plans for today?"
"No, no, maybe Buckingham Palace or something - tea with the queen."
"Well, if anyone could make that happen it would be you. I don't want to
keep you- just know that we all love you and are here for you."
"Thanks, Dad- love you too."
"Call us soon, John- your mom would love to hear from you."
"Will do, bye, dad."
***
Get.
Out.
Of.
Bed.
Of course as soon as I hung up the phone I flicked the TV on and curled
back up under the covers. I had no reason to get out of bed this morning,
so I was going to stay put for awhile and relax. Now, room service was
knocking.
Get.
Up.
Answer.
Door.
I swung out of bed, slipped on my robe and slippers and padded towards the
door. Turning the handle slowly and opening the door. "Room service," I
heard a familiar voice saying as I swung open the door.
It. Was. Him.
Todd.
"Good morning, gorgeous. Did I wake you up?"
"No, no," I managed to reply. I've been watching TV. "How did you... why
are you delivering my breakfast."
"Cause I couldn't wait to see your smiling face," he laughed. "No, I popped
over to see if you had plans for the day, and it just happened to be when
they were dropping off your breakfast - I told the girl I'd take care of
it."
"How...nice of you," I smiled. "Come in?"
"Sure," he said as he wheeled in the cart with breakfast.
"I apologize that you keeping catching me barely dressed." I said as I
looked down at my robe.
"Don't think for a second that I mind the show," he laughed. He picked up a
slice of toast from the tray and walked towards the window. I stood, almost
immobile - following him with my eyes."
"Don't you have to work today," I asked, "it is a Tuesday, right?"
"Right - it is Tuesday; and, no, I don't have to work today," he said as he
turned to me. Making eye contact - those, clear, grey, eyes smiling at me.
"I thought we could take a drive to the country if you were interested?"
"Um, sure- what did you have in mind?"
"Just head out and relax- roll down the windows, wind through our hair type
of thing," he laughed.
"Sounds good, thanks for thinking of me. Let me just get dressed."
I heard him say "its hard not to think of you" quietly, almost to himself
as I walked into the bedroom. I wasn't ready to respond to a statement like
that, so I let him think I hadn't heard.
"What've you been up to this fine morning," he shouted from the other room.
"Nothing really, spoke with my Dad earlier," I replied walking towards the
bedroom door, so I wouldn't have to speak so loudly.
He looked up at me from the chair he had sat down on. "Your pops, eh?
That's nice. You close?"
"Yeah, we've always been pretty close, and he's been my rock over the last
year."
"Big family?"
"No, not huge- dad, mom, and a younger brother & sister, twins. But we're
all pretty close. I think my dad had been hoping - until Steven got sick -
that we'd get around to adopting kids at some point soon so he could
finally be a grandfather. I think he's been waiting to be a grandfather
since he had me."
Sweater on.
Shoes.
Mirror. Good.
"I'm ready to go if you are," I said casually, picking up a now cold slice
of toast from the room service tray.
"Let's roll, fella."
I followed him out the door, and into the elevator. Almost automatically
slipping on my sunglasses. I caught myself as they hit my nose. I'm
indoors. I've slept. The bags under my eyes are better.
We skipped down the steps of the hotel and I started to motion for the
doorman to hail us a cab when I felt Todd grab my arm - "this way, big
guy. No cab today."
"But, how are we getting there?"
"Car." Was all I got a response.
Two turns later Todd slows down next to a car; a navy blue Range Rover.
I laugh. Out loud.
"Tell me this isn't your car, Todd?"
He turned, somewhat confused - "yes, why?"
"I have the exact same car at home!"
The smile returned to his face, "ah - no way? Exactly the same?"
"Exactly the same - navy blue, tan interior. It's my favorite care in the
world. I don't know why, but I've always loved it. I don't know many people
that have one."
"What are of the odds of that - can't be high. Let's get in and you'll see
what its like from the passenger side of things." He opened the door for me
and waited for me to hop in before closing the door behind me.
***
We drove in silence for a little while, cruising out of London and heading
into the country. I wasn't sure where we were headed, but we had the
windows down, it was cool & breezy and beautiful outside.
Out of nowhere he asked, "tell me more about your family."
"My family?"
"Yea, if you're up for it fella, it's a normal topic of conversation for
people getting to know each other." He turned and winked at me as he
steered the car down a hill.
"Yeah, yeah - sorry, I'm just not used to talking about myself."
"So, you know that I have a father & mother. And kid siblings. They're a
couple of years younger than me. She's living in Paris right now. She's
amazing. She went to school for fashion design and has been working at
Chanel for the last year. And my brother is in medical school at Princeton
in New Jersey. As I said, my fairly close with my dad. Well, with both my
parents. They've been incredibly supportive."
Todd interjected, "this may be a bold question to ask, but were they always
okay with it - with you dating guys? Marrying a guy?"
"Amazing really - I didn't realize fully I don't think until Steven & I
started dating how cruel parents could be. His parents barely spoke to him
after he came out. It was particularly bad with his mother. She didn't come
to our wedding. He had a really hard time with it. As a result, he became
even closer with me and my parents. He was truly a part of our family."
Todd just nodded and let me continue.
"I think, sometimes, that my family misses Steven as much as I do, and that
makes me love them even more - that they welcomed him so fully into their
family. My dad and Steven used to play golf on Saturday mornings. I always
hated golf, and when my dad found out that Steven knew how to play - there
was no question where you'd find the two of them."
Todd nodded, seemingly deep in thought.
"Anyway. What else is there to say? I group up in New York City. I know -
people don't grow up in New York, but I did. My parents still live in the
same home we grew up in."
"So, your partner's family - did they ever accept you guys being together?"
God, he was frank. And inquisitive.
"No, not really. At the end...." I wasn't sure I could go on. I started
tearing up.
He felt it.
His hand.
Slipped from the gear shift.
Onto mine.
Just briefly.
A squeeze.
Then back to driving.
"...at the end, it was really hard. The last two weeks, when we realized
the end was coming..." I was choking on my words "...Steven came home, to
be surrounded by his favorite things & people rather than a hospital room.
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
"My family was in New York, my sister flew in two weeks earlier and my
parents held a round-the-clock vigil for him. My mom... she used to come to
the apartment every morning, a few minutes before I'd have to leave for
work. We had a nurse then..."
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
"...but she insisted on being there. A loving face with him for those
couple of hours I had to go into the office. Steven's own mom. She didn't
come. Even those last two weeks. She came, finally, three days before..."
Deep. Deep. Deep.
Breaths.
"...three days before she died. It took her another day before she'd come
to our apartment. And when she did, she asked that I not be there. My mom
& dad were there. My parents. My partner. I couldn't be there, because his
mother couldn't stand that he had married a man."
Tears.
It's okay.
Breathe.
It'll get better.
Todd's fingers sliding across my hand again, squeezing tighter.
I turned to look at him; tears of his own running down his cheeks. His
other hand tightly gripping the steering wheel as we dipped and swooped
around the curves & hills of the English countryside.
I gripped his hand in return and then let him go.
"So, anyway - in short, no - they were so not cool with it. That's my sad
story. Tell me something about your family?"
"Well, I don't really have any family."
I turned to look at him. Startled by his response. "I'm sorry, what do you
mean?"
"Well," he began, "I don't have any siblings. Or cousins. Or aunts or
uncles. And my parents died when I was very young. I was raised by my
Grandmother and a series of nannies, but she died about ten years ago as
well."
"Oh, Todd - I'm so sorry. I... I don't know what to say."
"John, don't worry. It's okay - I'm okay with everything. It's been a long
time. And I have a great group of friends who I've known my entire
life. They're my really family. Susan, Alex... you met some of them the
other night."
"Yeah, of course. They were great."
He laughed, "you fool - I know you were wasted. You probably don't even
remember them."
I laughed in response & punched him playfully on his arm, "heyyy - I wasn't
that drunk."
"I'm just teasing."
*** Todd put on music and we drove in silence for awhile. Finally, after
another 45-minutes or so, I finally asked him - "where are we going?" He
turned to me, the light playing off his grey eyes, winking "It's a
surprise."
#################################################
CHAPTER SIX
I found myself staring out the window, following the curve of the
countryside as we continued on our journey.
Me.
Him.
Alone.
But, together.
We'd been driving for well over an hour and a half - my mind racing. Where
are we going? Can I trust him? I've only known him a couple of days. But he
knows as much about me as people I've known my whole life.
And, there's something about him.
This thing about his family.
There's more.
There. Must. Be. More.
And, why is he single?
Cute. Gentleman. Really cute. Very sweet.
Why doesn't he have a husband and a couple of kids?
Questions.
Lots.
Of.
Questions.
Staring out the window. The sun shining over the English countryside. Todd
focused on the road ahead, silent. But every time I glance over he has a
smile on his face. Music playing. His fingers tapping on the steering wheel
in time.
And here he is.
Driving me.
A veritable stranger.
To some secret destination.
Out in the country.
The country.
I am definitely not a country boy. City dweller. Pavement pounder.
Country.
Maybe the country would be good for me?
Fresh air.
Animals... although I don't really like animals.
No animals.
But, fresh air.
And, no people.
Except.
For.
Todd.
***
Todd broke the silence out of nowhere - "see that hill up ahead? Once we go
over that, it will be a quick left and we'll be there. I know I'm probably
seeming a little bit sketchy. But I wanted to show you something about me."
"Okay, after all this suspense it better be worth it," I joked in
reply. Half laughing. Half being serious.
He squeezed my hand again.
Up the hill, down. Quick left.
Long drive.
Gates.
A house? His house? Where ARE we?
Through the trees I see it, a large & rather imposing English country
home. The kind I've only seen in movies. The kind that you imagine royalty
living in. At least someone very wealthy.
He pulls the car up in front of the house. It's towering over us,
stretching out to the left and right. He runs around and opens the door for
me.
"You're such a gentleman," I say as I step out of the car, "thank you."
"Think nothing of it. Please, come inside."
With that he opened the door, and stepped aside to let me go in first.
To say that I was surprised as I walked through the doors would be an
understatement. I've seen big houses before. I grew up surrounded by people
with more money than they knew what to do with. Gorgeous homes on the Upper
East Side and the Hamptons and Nantucket. But this. It was HUGE. The sheer
size of the place was overwhelming. I turned my head up, spinning to take
it all in as I walked into the hall.
"I bet you bring all your guys here, impress them with your... size." I
laughed turning to face him.
He was just watching me. A smile on his face. But sadder than his usual
one. "Actually, John, you're the first person I've ever brought here."
Surprised.
Yes.
Why?
Me?
"Well, I'm honored - but what is this place? Is this your home?"
"No, I would say my home is my apartment in London, but this is where my
family lived and where I grew up. It's mine now, with everyone else gone,
but it usually makes me sad to be out here so I don't come that often."
"Oh, well, we didn't have to come here," I replied. Not sure quite how to
respond.
"Well, I just felt comfortable around you. And you've shared so much with
me, I wanted to share some of me with you."He took me by the arm and led me
through a doorway to our right, into a sweeping drawing room with huge
windows that looked out onto the moors behind the house. He opened one of
the windows and let the breeze float into the room.
I remained silent. Waited for him to continue.
"As I mentioned, both my parents died when I was quite young. We were
living here at the time. This house has been in my family for hundreds of
years. And my father was the last of his family. Now I'm the last." He was
getting quieter. Barely whispering.
I slipped my arm around his shoulder and half-hugged him as we stared out
the window. "When I said that my parents died, that's
true. But... not.... completely." He was choking up...tearing up... he
was...
Torn up.
Inside.
Like me.
"I was six when they died. My dad. He never had to work. Look at this
place, right? There was always too much money. And his parents had died and
left him everything. So we lived here. My parents. Me. My grandmother - my
mother's mother."
"Anyway, when I was six my mother found out that my father had been having
an affair. With the daughter of the gardener."
Tears. More. Down his face.
Crying.
Just like I had cried.
To him.
About Steven.
Just forty-eight hours before.
Steven.
A pang.
My heart.
My love.
No time.
Back.
To.
Todd.
I hugged him again. I gripped his hand. "I'm here." I whispered. "Take
as long as you need. And you shouldn't feel pressured to tell me
anything."
He turned.
To face me.
"But I want to. I need to. I've never told anyone. My friends. The ones
you've met? They know generally, but don't know all the details. The
sordid past."
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
"Anyway, my dad. He was having an affair. Which was one thing. But the
daughter. She was young. 18. Barely. My mother was heartbroken.
Devastated. I remember, not knowing completely what was going on, but
she never left her room again. For days. Crying. My grandmother would
try to go in to console her. She wouldn't see anyone but the maid who
brought her bottles of gin. And food. A couple of times a day."
Choking up. Him crying.
Me.
Crying.
My hand.
His cheek.
Softly.
"It's okay." Whispered into his ear.
"My mom, after a week or so in her room. She jumped. Out the window. Her
room was three flights up and she hit the pavement, just near where we
drove up a few minutes ago. She died instantly. Broke her neck. I was
outside. In the gardens playing. I heard people screaming. Shouting. My
grandmother wailing."
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
Tears.
Both of us.
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
"And, after that it wasn't long - just a couple of hours - before my Dad
shot himself." Gasp. Mine.
He looked at me. Met my eyes. His tears reflected in mine.
"He did it in his bedroom. Guess he couldn't deal with what he had
done. The havoc he had wrought on the family. The hardest part though, the
part that I still wonder about - why didn't he care about me? Didn't he
know that even with my mother dead... he still had me? I was still here?
Just six years old. Six."
Sobbing. Now.
Collapsing.
Onto a chair.
Me next to him.
Holding him.
Choking out... "I've... never... told anyone... how they died..."
"I...just...had...to. You... you... John, you've been so open with
me... and I've always wanted someone to share my story with. My pain."
"Shhh, it's okay," I whispered into his ear. It's okay.
***
We sat there for awhile that way.
The two of us.
Me holding him.
Rocking.
Crying.
Sniffling.
Holding.
Staring out the window.
Wondering.
What.
Is.
Next.
For me?
For him?
For us?
For.
Us?
Us.
A new concept.
***
The hours passed. Watching the sun moving across the sky.
***
Finally, he sat up. Todd. Todd sat up. He smiled at me. Some of the warmth
returning. "Thank you for being here. For listening. I just... as I
said. I've never told anyone. And, I thought perhaps you could relate to
the loss..."
I returned his smile. "I can."
We left it at that. No more words.
He got up and walked to the windows at the rear of the room, opening them
all - a cool breeze filled the drawing room. He started flipping on
lights. It must've been around 4 in the afternoon, and the sun was just
starting to set at the far end of the sky. Before I knew it there was
music - and he had left the room - considering how big it was I wasn't sure
how he had gotten away so fast. I heard some noise through a doorway at
the far end of the room and found a long hall way, following it down to
what turned out to be the kitchen.
There was Todd. Opening up cupboards and slamming drawers.
"Looking for something?" I asked.
He turned to look up at me, not hearing me come into the room - surprised,
"hey, you - yes, I thought I would make us something to eat. But there's
not a lot of food since no one's ever around. How do you feel about pasta?
I definitely have some dried pasta."
I laughed, "pasta is fine. Thank you."
"Can I help?"
"You better believe it," he replied - handing me a large pot to fill with
water.
***
We ate sitting at a large table in the kitchen, quiet descending upon the
house as day turned to dusk.
Him.
Me.
Alone.
A big house.
The country.
#################################################
CHAPTER SEVEN
We talked for hours, leaving behind the hurt & the pain. We talked about
each other - our work, our friends. How we liked to kill a Saturday
afternoon doing nothing. The usual. Just getting to know each other. We'd
shared more with each other in the last three days than some people share
in a lifetime, but now we were learning who the other was.
We just sat in the kitchen, tucked away at the back of that big old house,
darkness settling in around the countryside. The music from the drawing
room wafting into the kitchen. Lightly playing upon the breeze off the
moors.
Wine.
Bottles.
One.
Two.
Three.
Drinking.
We drank and talked. Everything flowing, coming so easily.
Day to dusk to night.
At some point, it must've been around 1 in the morning. I said, "clearly
we're not going back to London tonight, right?"
"Not unless you had your heart set on it, plus - in our state - I don't
think either of us is qualified to drive and there isn't a taxi around
for miles."
I laughed.
We laughed.
Had been laughing for hours.
It felt.
Good.
No.
Great.
"Let me show you to a room."
With that he guided me out of the stool where I had been sitting and down
the hall back to the drawing room. "Unfortunately, most of the rooms these
days have been dust-sheeted, basically closed off, because there is no one
around to use them. But I've kept a couple open." Back into the main
hall. Todd closing the windows in the drawing room as we walked through it.
Up the stairs. Three long halls, three directions. To the right.
Todd's hand on my arm, leading me down the hallway.
Second door. On the right.
"Good night, your lordship," I joked as he opened the door and led me into
the room.
After making sure everything looked okay, he turned to leave. He paused. I
stopped.
"Do you want to..." Was all I could get out.
He smiled. "There's nothing I want more, but not tonight." He leaned in. A
kiss on the cheek. "Sleep well, fella."
Fella.
Me.
***
I stripped off my clothes and climbed into the bed. It was huge. The room
massive. Moonlight through the window. Sleep coming fast.
***
I woke early and flipped over the side of the bed to paw my phone from the
pocket of my jeans.
I had barely talked to anyone since I had been here.
7am.
Early.
So early.
Wide awake.
28 missed calls.
Ignored.
463 emails.
Deleted.
I slipped on my jeans. Leaving my shirt on the floor.
Opened the door. Out into the hall.
Down the stairs.
Into the drawing room. The hall. The kitchen.
Coffee. There must be coffee here somewhere.
I found the coffee pot, the coffee and put a pot on to brew. Now, the
question was - where was Todd. There were so many rooms in the house,
no way to tell where he was.
Coffee finished.
Poured two mugs.
Into the hall, through the drawing room. Up the stairs. Just as Todd was
coming out of the room next to mine. "Good morning, sunshine," I whispered,
handing him the cup of coffee. He was still in his underwear. He looked
good.
"Hi there, fella, I thought I heard you awake."
"Is this your room?" I asked pointing past the door he was standing in with
my coffee cup.
"No, not usually." He replied. Somewhat sheepishly. Looking down at his
feet.
"What do you mean, not usually?"
"Well, I just... it's a big house... and if you needed something I wanted
to make sure I was around."
"Awe, Todd - that's sweet."
He laughed, "yeah, I guess. I also... just didn't want to be that far from
you."
My laughter in reply. "I see, I see. Interesting." I continued - looking
him up an down - "I'll let you get dressed." I winked at him as he realized
how un-dressed he was. He turned red and quickly closed the door.
I padded back down the giant staircase to the drawing room. Finding the
music that he had turned on the evening before and switching it on. I
surfed through a couple of the discs he had in the system, settling on a
compilation of classical music. Very soothing. Especially so early in the
morning.
Music on.
Walked to the window, opening it and facing out to the sun and the moors. A
warm breeze hitting my face. I heard him behind me. Slipping into the room.
I turned. He had put his pants on, but stood there shirtless. He had. A
great. Body. I shook the thought from my mind. And looked at his face,
instead of his pecs.
"Feel like going back to the city, soon?" He asked.
"Sure, whenever you want - I'm in no hurry though."
He came and stood next to me at the window. Putting his arm around my
shoulder.
Flesh.
Against.
Flesh.
I shivered.
He felt it.
Hugged me.
Tighter.
"Good morning." He whispered in my ear.
I smiled.
And watched the sun continue to rise.
***
After finishing the pot of coffee, we got dressed and I helped him lock all
the windows and doors in the drawing room.
As we were leaving, I said, "I can't thank you enough for bringing me here,
it's a beautiful house. And a gorgeous view. A really nice break from the
city."
"Most welcome, fella," he replied as he locked the front door and walked to
the car.
He opened my door. Around to his side. Into the car.
We drove. He seemed... distracted on the drive back to the city. We
certainly drove faster. Little talk. I stared out the window and watched
the countryside fly by. We pulled into London a little before 11am, and he
dropped me off at my hotel.
"I don't want to monopolize your time," I said as I got out of the car,
"but maybe you'd like to have dinner or something later?"
He looked at me. Almost past me. "Yes, that would be nice. How about I give
you a call later?"
"Sure," I replied not completely convinced of his response.
Had I said something?
Done something?
No. Not me.
I closed the door to the car and he sped away, before I could even walk
into the hotel.
***
Up the stairs.
Into my room.
Alone.
Again.
TV on. Music. Now.
Shower.
Can't shake the feeling.
Something happened.
Flip through the channels.
Find the music one.
80s.
Good.
Strip.
Shower.
Singing along.
It's a good mix.
Michael Jackson.
Wham!.
Paula Abdul.
I'm having a veritable dance party in the shower.
On comes. Heart. "What About Love?".
Singing.
Dancing.
Listing to the lyrics.
"You've been hiding - never letting it show."
Ain't that the truth.
"Always trying to keep it under control."
Amen, sister. Just barely.
"You got it down and you're well on your way to the top but there's
something you forgot." More like, something I've lost.
"What about love"
What about it?
"Don't you want someone to care about you?"
I had someone.
Had.
"What about love"
Will I have it again?
"Don't let it slip away."
It's already gone.
But, could it come back? Could it be different. But love?
"I only want to share it with you you might need it some day"
Share it.
With.
You.
With.
Who?
With.
Someone.
New.
Towel.
Dry Off.
Out of the shower.
Music off.
Enough. Of. That.
***
After I showered and dressed I was determined to actually see some more of
London.
Plus, I had to shake the thoughts of Todd from my head.
Whatever was happening between us, it was out of my control. I realized
that I had no way of getting in touch with him. Should he want to see
me... well, the ball was in his court. He didn't have my cell number,
so he would've had to call the hotel.
But.
I was certainly not waiting around all day for him to call.
Wallet. Check.
Room key. Check.
Phone. Check.
Outta here. Yes.
***
I decided to head east and across the Thames to the Tate Modern.
I've always loved art and I heard this museum was pretty cool. I
meandered my way down the river. Stopping every so often to sit and
watch others go buy.
My phone rang.
What day is it?
Wednesday.
Look down.
Not work.
My sister.
Pick-up.
Hesitation.
PICK-UP.
"Hello, darling," I hear from the other end "I thought perhaps you were
screening my calls."
"No, sorry- I know I owe you a call back. I haven't really been answering
my phone."
"No need to apologize, silly - that's what you're in London for- a break
from your life."
"Yeah." I didn't really have much to say.
"So, have you met anyone yet?"
"Joan! Really?"
"Relax, I wasn't saying romantically- I just meant- have you made any
friends? You know, someone to talk to other than yourself."
"I do not talk--"
"John, you know what I mean. I'm all for you getting away, you know that,
but I'm worried about you being alone."
"I know, I know. I appreciate you being so concerned. I'm thinking about
getting a ticket to see a show tonight. Any recommendations?"
"Um, let's see... how about HAIR... it just opened in London and you didn't
get to see it in New York."
"Yea, that could be good."
"The others...I don't think."
"Joanie, I can handle a show about love. I've seen most of them anyway."
"Okay, okay- I just don't want to put any added pressure on you."
"Don't worry, I'll be okay."
"Good. But you don't have to be. I know you're still hurting. And you know
I'm here. I wish you'd come to Paris for a few days after London."
"I would if I could, but at some point I'll have to get back to work."
"Right. Except you own the company, big rbrother. You could theoretically
stay away for a long time."
"You know I can't, but my next trip- Paris for sure."
"All right, I have to get back to work, I love you sooo much. Call me after
the show tonight."
"Love you, too. Bye."
Off the bench.
Walk.
One step.
Two.
Many.
Forward.
***
There was this exhibit in the museum. This giant- seriously giant- steel
box, that you walked inside- by the time you got to the back it was pitch
black. Darkness. Aloneness.
Me.
Alone.
I stood there for awhile. In the dark.
Lost in thought.
I couldn't see anything.
But could hear.
Laughter.
Talking.
Joking.
All around me.
Me.
Alone.
Thinking.
Thought thinking thought.
Steven.
Dad.
Joan.
Todd.
Jane.
Home.
New York.
Mom.
London.
New life.
Andrew.
Paris.
A chance.
Flight.
A new life.
Lost in thought.
Eventually I found my way out of the giant steel box and the museum and
meandered my way back through London.
I found the theater where Hair was playing and bought myself a ticket.
I hadn't been to a show by myself in years. I used to love reveling in the
solitude of being alone in a crowd.
Now I am again by default.
***
After the show I walked home. Back to the hotel. I hadn't had contact
with Todd since he dropped me off at the hotel. But he had been on my
mind all day. What's next? Do I know how to proceed?
***
As I neared the hotel I noticed someone sitting on the curb. As I
approached I realized it was Todd. He was sitting and staring at the
ground.
I quietly sat down next to him.
"Hey stranger."
He was startled. He looked at me. Tears in his eyes.
"Hi."
"Is everything okay?"
"I... I... I'm sorry for how abruptly I left you earlier. And, I came back
to apologize...and you weren't here...and I didn't know how to get a hold
of you."
"Shhhhh- its okay."
I stood up and pulled him up next to me. "Let's take a walk."
We turned the corner and into the park.
"John, there's just more I need to tell you."
"Its okay, Todd- there's no rush."
"Its just...John, I like you. I know we've only known each other a
couple of days, but...I can't explain it...I just want to know
everything about you. And not stop learning new things about you."
I just let him talk.
We walked next to each other.
Not touching.
Him.
And.
Me.
Together.
Through the park.
"John," he continued, "unlike you I haven't always known who I was. I
didn't have the incredible family that you've got, and while I had
great friends...it just wasn't the same."
"Okay..."
"John, I struggled for a long time with being gay. To say I was confused
would be an understatement."
"Its okay..."
"For a long time I was in denial. I dated women all through
university. And, eventually...I got married."
"Oh..."
"And we were married for about three years before I finally came to terms
with who I am..."
"Okay..."
"...we got divorced."
"Todd, how long ago was this?"
"Our divorce was finalized a year ago."
"Wow."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"There's no need to be sorry, Todd" I whispered to him, "its part of who
you are."
"Its just, I've spent the last year really figuring out who I am and what I
want. And my friends have been amazing, but its not enough...I want to find
someone. A guy...I just."
"Shhh- Todd. It's okay."
We walked.
Him.
Me.
Changed.
Revealed.
Open.
Naked.
In the night.
Just the two of us.
(Song lyrics borrowed from Heart. Hope that's okay!)
#################################################
CHAPTER EIGHT
I looked up at the building in front of me.
Buckingham Palace.
We had finished our walk through the park and ended up in front of Her
Majesty's home.
We sat.
Him.
Me.
Todd.
Me.
Us.
It must've been around 1am.
Another night together and another whirlwind of revelations.
We were sitting next to each other. Our shoulders touching. He had been
crying. It had stopped awhile ago, but it didn't seem time to move yet.
I was lost in thought. I had never felt like I was at more of a crossroads.
And, at that - my phone rang.
A ring.
It was on silent.
Todd is startled. It's the middle of the night.
I fished my phone from my pocket to silence it. Glanced quickly at the
screen. Mom. Of course. I hit "ignore" - she'll have to wait.
He spoke. "That some cute guy you met earlier tonight?" An attempt at
humor. He was struggling. Facing away from me.
"No," I whispered.
Then taking his face in my hand and turning him towards me. "No, Todd,
I've barely looked at another guy since I landed in London."
He smiled. Softly. Sadly.
There was no room for words between us anymore.
I took his face in my hands. I pulled him close.
And kissed him. Hard. Passionately. Letting him feel my heat.
Him kissing me back. Eagerly.
My arms slipping down his back, pulling him into my. Our bodies
touching. Our lips pressed together.
Against each other.
Needing it.
Alone in the night.
Our tongues playing off each other. The feeling of his stubble against
my face. This man. Who I barely knew. But at the same time, knew so
deeply. A strange mix. A heady one.
I kissed his cheek.
His neck.
His head thrown back. A soft, low moan escaping his mouth, "ahhh." As I
kissing my way up his neck. Towards his ear.
"You are beautiful," I whispered softly into his ear. "You. Are. Beautiful."
Him pulling me towards his mouth again. Earnestly. Needing it. Wanting it.
We kissed for what seemed like a lifetime. Our bodies pressed into each
other. Sitting in the dark, in the shadow of the palace.
Eventually I stood up, pulling him with me. His open eyes. Soft, warm,
admiring. Mine adoring him. I slipped my hand into his, our fingers
intertwining. "Come with me," I said lowly, hoarsely. We walked back
towards The Ritz. Our bodies pressed together. Our hands joined. His head
on my shoulder.
It felt.
Right.
I smiled to myself.
It felt.
Natural.
It was.
Todd.
And me.
Us.
***
We walked through the doorway of The Ritz. My doorboy was back. Now it
was my turn to wink at him. And he smiled back at me. Yes, this
gorgeous man next to me was coming to my room. I felt proud of that.
Up the elevator.
Down the hall.
To the door.
He slowed.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Are you sure..." he responded tentatively. Nervously. Looking down at his
feet. My hand softly on his chin, pulling his gaze up to meet my eyes.
"Yes."
And I left it at that.
Door open.
His hand in mine.
Pulling him in.
The door clicking behind us.
***
Up against the door.
Our bodies grinding against each other. Tongues dueling.
Passion. Desire. Eager.
Him.
Me.
Wanting it.
Needing it.
The other.
I slipped my hand up the front of his shirt. Feeling his body. Feeling the
heat coming off of him. Tracing his abs. Flicking my fingers across his
pecs. His nipples. A moan escaping, "ugghhhh." As we continued to kiss
deeply.
I wanted to make him feel like he was the only man in the world. And I
sensed he wanted the same for me. And tonight, we were - alone. The two of
us. No one else mattered.
His shirt off. My mouth on him.
Kissing my way down his pecs. His nipples. My tongue teasing
them. Eliciting a serious of deep, animal groans from him.
Down. Deeper. Kissing him.
To my knees.
Him looking down.
Our eyes locked.
His eager. Craving it. Nervous. Curious.
I unbutton the first button. And lean in to kiss the top of the hair
sticking out of his jeans. Riding above his underwear.
Another button.
A groan.
His hands on my head. He knew what he wanted. I knew what I wanted.
Another button. My face against his crotch. Feeling his hard, throbbing
cock through the fabric of his underwear. Running my tongue against the
length. Thick. Big. Very.
The last few buttons.
I look up again. Our eyes meet. I've never needed something more.
His hard dick bulging out. Straining to break through the tight grey
fabric of his boxer briefs. I slipped down his jeans. My hands running
up his legs, under the back of his underwear. Clasping his firm, round
ass cheeks.
"AAAAH!" He exclaimed as I squeezed his cheeks. My tongue licking his cock
through the fabric.
I helped him step out of the jeans. Took his t-shirt off.
Him, almost naked.
Beautiful. A perfect example of manhood. Sculpted. A light dusting of hair
on his chest and abs. Thick, muscular thighs.
I stood up and kissed him again. Hard and deep. Felt him grinding his
cock against me. My own dick hard and eager to escape its confinement.
He helped me out of my shirt. Unbuttoned my jeans as we continue to
kiss. His hand slipping inside.
Gripping my cock. As hard and as thick and as long as his. A perfect
match.
Pushing my jeans down. To the floor.
The two of us, almost naked.
I took him into the bedroom. Barely taking my hands off him. I couldn't
resist him.
Us falling on the bed. I wanted every inch of him.
To taste him.
To know him.
The two of us wrapped in each other's arms.
I laid him on his back. "This is for you." I whispered in his ear.
I licked my way down his body. Learning every muscle. Tasting it.
Tracing the outline of his pecs and abs with my talented tongue.
I slipped his underwear off. Tossing them aside. His hard, fat cock
springing up and slamming me against the face. I kissed the head. His back
arching off the bed. A drop of precum. Mine. I traced my way down his shaft
with my tongue. Flicking it across his perfectly round balls. Him
spreading his legs. My tongue working down. Kissing his powerful, muscular
thighs. All the way down. "Johnnnn... aahhhh" he moaned. I loved hearing
him say my name. My tongue. His thighs. His calves. His feet. Head to toe -
he was mine. I was his.
I licked my way back up to his cock. I took the head into my mouth.
Sucking it hard. "Uggghh" escaping from his throat. His hands on either
side of my head.
Swallowing. Deep. Taking everything inch. Stretching my throat. I needed
it. Down to the balls. It must've been nine thick inches filling me.
Bobbing up and down. All the way up to the head. Deep throating it. Up.
Down. Sucking it deep. My nose buried in his pubes. The scent of him
filling my nostrils. Urging me on.
His hips bucking to meet my throat. My talented mouth, throat, tongue.
Everything part of me devoted to his pleasure. Up. Down. His precum
running down the back of my throat. Making me even more eager for his
load. That would come. With time.
I pulled off his cock and he relaxed, falling back against the bed. I slid
up his body. Pressed together. My thick cock laying against his.
Kissing him deeply again. His arms wrapped around me. Our bodies one.
His arms gripping me. Flipping me. Me underneath him. His body pressed into
mine. His tongue working its way down my neck. Up. Down. Kissing. Eagerly.
Him whispering, "I need you." Kissing him. Passionately. The sweat dripping
off of us as we moved as one. "I've dreamed about this."
His actions mimicking mine.
His tongue. Far less experienced, but no less talented. Running down my
pecs. Up my side. Him pushing my arms over my head. His face. Into my
pit. "AAAGGG!!" I moaned as he dove in. Tasting every inch of me.
Feasting on me. His kisses back across my chest. Teasing my nipples. To
the other pit. Back and forth. Every point of contact electric. My cock
grinding against him as worked me over.
He worked his way down.
His tongue across my abs. Reveling in their definition. In the hair that
covered them.
My hips bucking.
Wildly.
His mouth. My cock. Making contact. Tasting the head. My precum. His tongue.
He was ravenous. Slurping up everything I had to give. My balls, taking
them into his mouth. Sucking them. Rolling them around. My dick pressed
against his face.
His mouth against mine.
Kissing.
Deeply.
Passionate.
Me.
Him.
Todd.
Me.
Sweat.
Man.
Scent.
Sex.
Hard.
Us kissing. The two of us. Our legs intertwined. Not leaving each other's
mouths. A quick flip. A 69.
His cock hanging over my face, as he dove onto mine. Gagging on it. Me
swallowing him. Him sucking me. Earning it. Craving it.
Him in me. Me in him.
Joined.
Deep throating. Swallowing. Tasting the precum that flowed so freely.
The days of emotion, of tears, of pent-up desire, breaking free in one
uninhibited display of emotion and sex. Lust. But lust coupled with
passion, with feelings of something more.
Panting. Breathless.
Our faces next to each other again. Our bodies pressed together.
Catching our breath. Our eyes open. Looking into one another. My hand
caressing his face. Pulling him close to me. A whisper, "I want you in
me." His eyes opening wide.
His mouth pressed against my ear, "I haven't..."
"Shh, It's okay."
I lay on my back. My legs pulled back. Todd kneeling in between them.
His eyes, those clear grey eyes - the first thing I noticed about them.
Looking at me. Taking in every inch of me. My legs back. My ass spread.
My hole. Exposed.
My own eyes betraying my nerves. I wanted this. Needed this. But...
there had been so few. Steven. Just two before. And Steven... it seemed
so long ago. But. There was something. I had to feel him inside me.
Pressed deep inside. Filling me. I knew it needed to happen. It needed
to be with him. With Todd.
He leaned down. Over me. My legs wrapping around his muscular frame. The
head of his cock, pressed against my hole. My mouth, touching mine. A
quick, small nod. A push. My head. Thrown back.
My eyes. Rolling back.
His cock. Pushing in.
The head. In.
"UGGhhhh," I cried.
"MMMM" he moaned.
Adjusting.
His mouth against mine.
One.
Deeper.
Three inches.
Filling me.
Thick.
Taking me.
Six inches.
"AAhhhhh." My moan meeting his.
Eight inches.
Almost.
Together.
NINE.
DEEP.
FILLED.
He came to a rest. Buried to the hilt. His balls resting against my ass.
My legs wrapped around him, pulling him into me. Our lips. Barely
touching. "This is..." he began. He couldn't finish. A tear running
down his cheek. "I know," I whispered back. "Enjoy it."
He leaned back. Pulled himself out until just his head was inside me. A
gaping emptiness deep inside me. And slammed it back in. His cock balls
deep. Out. In. Thrusting. Hard. Drilling me.
Eyes rolling to the back of my head. His head thrown back. His hands on
my shoulders Holding me down. Drilling. Fucking. Giving himself to me.
An assault. Plunging deep inside. Fucking me. Plowing me. Out. In.
Slamming deep, leaning down and kissing me hard. My legs. My arms.
Wrapped around him.
Todd. Strong. Powerful. Confident.
Todd.
Him.
Deep.
Me.
Giving myself.
Him & me.
Every time he pulled out I felt empty. And every time he pushed inside I
felt full. I felt happy. I felt right.
Our moans filling the room. The windows fogged up by the heat of our
fucking. Like two men who had never made love before; like two animals we
became one. Joined.
His pumping became faster. His eyes closed. His breath ragged. Fucking.
Harder. Swifter. Picking up his pace. He was getting close. His eyes
barely opening. Closing. Concentrating. Focusing. His pleasure. My
pleasure. Giving himself totally to the experience. Sweat pouring off
him. The hair on his chest matted against his pecs.
Grunting. Harder.
Fuck me.
Fuck.
Me.
Harder.
I needed this.
I wanted this.
I had to have him.
Faster he sped. Drilling his massive, throbbing member inside of me.
Pushing down on me. His body pressed against mine. His speed
increasing. His lips pressed against mine. His arms wrapping around me.
His hips pumping.
Harder.
Close.
Closer.
Now.
His head thrown back, our kiss breaking. "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH" he cried.
Pumping.
His hips.
Thrusting.
My ass milking him. His massive, pent-up load filling me. I could feel
him shooting deep inside me. Giving me his seed. My legs holding him
tight into me.
His thrusting slowing. His had sagging. His forward pressed against
mine. His eyes clothes. His breathing ragged. Harsh. Gasping.
Us tumbling. Falling to the side. My hands on his face. Kissing him
deeply. Our eyes opening. Looking at each other. Looking into each
other. His cock slipping from my depths.
Kissing.
One.
Joined.
Him.
Me.
Todd.
Todd & John.
Us.
##############################################################
CHAPTER NINE
I woke up naked, curled around Todd. His back pressed against my chest.
My still hard cock pressed against his firm ass. He was still asleep.
Breathing gently in my arms. I rested my head against his shoulder.
Lost in thought.
After we fucked. Really, after we... made love. We laid in each other's
arms. Kissing. Touching. Talking. I told Todd about my first time. He told
me about his. True to his word, I was the first man he had ever slept
with. His experience with men limited to oral up to that point. We were
exhausted. The days of emotion and tears and passion and laughter and
heartache culminating in this almost triumphant expression of joy - joy at
finding the other. Joy at discovering a shared enjoyment of the
other. Joy... at life.
It was a feeling that had been
gone from me for a long time. Since Steven.
Now, curled up against this new man, I thought about Steven.
I thought about those mornings waking up in his arms.
Those first, new days when we were in school.
Discovering each other over the years.
Those last few months.
The last time.
***
The last time we had made love was just a few weeks before Steven died.
Before he became too weak. Steven was still in the hospital then. We
had managed to sneak it in between the various doctors and nurses
checking on him. It felt like we were back in college, sneaking in sex
in between classes. When his or my roommates were gone.
Laying in his hospital bed that day - I remember it so vividly - it was
cold and grey outside. Raining. But warm indoors. Warm in his room.
Warm in his arms. He was tucked under the covers. His gown back on. My
clothes back on. Should anyone come into the room. I was laying on my
side next to him. Tracing the outline of his face with my fingers.
Telling him how beautiful he was. He turned to me. Tears in his eyes.
Steven.
Mine.
Tears in mine.
We both knew what was near.
I didn't want to talk about it.
Him.
Steven.
So strong.
I thought to myself.
Steven.
He whispered to me, "you know that I love you more than words can
express. And we both know that there's a good chance I may be gone
soon."
He choked.
I was sobbing.
Holding his hand.
All I could do was nod my head.
He brushed a lock of hair that had fallen across my face.
Looked into my eyes.
"I know that when I'm gone... I know that it will be hard for you."
Tears. Crushing. Tears. Flowing.
Mine.
His.
Ours.
It started with joy.
And is ending with this.
"I just want you to know, John, that if you find someone else."
I shook my head "no" - I didn't want to think about it. My eyes closed.
"John."
His hand on my face.
"John."
I opened my eyes. Met his. Bright & green.
"John, if that should happen. I want you to be happy. I want you to embrace
it the way you embraced me."
Sobbing.
Heaving.
His voice cutting through.
"John, you deserve love."
I leaned in close to him. And whispered, "I have all I need with you."
***
Now, laying in bed with Todd, all I can think about was that day.
It was downhill after that.
Just weeks.
Steven came home.
The family surrounded us.
Steven died.
In my arms.
My family. Around us. Our family.
***
I traced the muscles in Todd's back. Quiet, soft tears running down my cheeks.
Was this the love that Steven thought I might find?
Was I being fair to myself to consider it so quickly?
So.
Quickly.
Todd stirred.
Stretched.
It was still dark outside.
We had only slept for a couple of hours.
"Hello, sexy" I spoke softly into his ear.
"Hi, fella" he whispered back.
Fella.
Me.
His?
His.
We were still laying there, in each others' arms. My hard dick pressed
between his ass cheeks. I knew what I wanted. What I needed. As he had
taken me, I wanted him. I needed to feel myself inside him. I knew also
that it would take time. I need to make it special for him. His first.
Our first.
I slid back from Todd and he groaned.
I pushed him onto his stomach, he didn't resist.
His arms stretched out over his head, his legs spread. Allowing me to kneel
in between.
Looking down at his body. Gorgeous.
I ran my hands over the tan globes of his ass. Softly. Hearing him
whimper. He knew. We knew. I spread them. Exposing his hole. I leaned
in. I kissed his cheeks gently. Firs the left, then the right. I ran a
finger gently up his crack. Then lowered my face in. Kissing the tight
knot of his hole. He tensed. I kissed him again. Felt him relaxing.
Kissing his soft, pink hole. Pulling his cheeks apart. Giving myself
access to his deepest depths. Working my way in with my tongue. Rimming
him. Slowly. Gently. My tongue working him.
His whimpers turned to moans.
To groans. "AHHHHH" repeatedly escaping his mouth as I continued my
ministrations on his hole. Exploring him. He liked it. Pushing his ass
up to meet my face. To meet my tongue as it explored his hole.
Slipping in a finger. A gasp. "UGH."
Feeling his depths. Probing. Gently. Tenderly.
A second. He must. Take. It.
Opening him wider. Preparing him. Alternating back and forth.
My tongue. And fingers.
Until he was bucking.
Gripping the sheets with his fists. Moaning. Screaming.
I slid on top of him. The head of my long, thick cock positioned at the
entrance to his ass. My body pressed against his. My pecs against his
back. My head against his shoulder. My mouth against his ear, "if at
any point you want me to stop. All you have to do is say so. I only
want you to feel as good as you've made me feel. Remember. You. Are.
Beautiful."
His only reply - "take me."
I started to push. Just the head. Pushing inside his pink hole. GASPING.
A cry. "Keep. Going. Please." Gently. More. The head inside. I hold it.
Allowing him to adjust.
"You. Are. Beautiful."
I resume. An inch. Two. Thicker. "ahhhh". Three. "ohhhh". Four.
I pause. Hold. Wrap my arms around him. Hug him tight to
me. Continue. Five. Thicker. "uggggghhhh."
He's so tight.
Six.
Exploring his virgin ass. He's giving himself to me so totally. His arm
around, grasping at my head, pulling me against his shoulder. Panting.
Tears at his eyes. A ragged smile on his face. Wanting it. Needing it.
Want.
Need.
Must have.
Seven.
Thicker. Almost to the base.
Eight.
Deeper. His ass feels incredible.
Nine. Almost.
In.
I rest against him. My cock lodged deep inside his hole. My body pressed
against his. My legs on top of his. My arms wrapped around him, holding
him tight. "Thank you," I say softly into his ear. He's given me his
greatest gift. I want him to feel as incredible as he made me feel.
His breathing. Deep.
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
"John," he managed to moan, "fuck me."
I grabbed his thighs and pulled him up onto all fours. Still impaling
him with my cock. I grabbed his waist and pulled out. Leaving just the
head of my cock inside his hole. He cried out "ohhhhhh" at the feeling
of being so empty. He wouldn't feel that way for long. In one hard,
swift thrust I pushed all 9.5 inches back into him. Deep into him.
Balls against his ass. My hands holding his waist for leverage.
He shook.
I pulled out. Again with just my head resting inside him.
Again. Deep. Thrust. Hard.
He shook.
Again.
Again.
Harder. Faster.
Deeper. Longer.
I picked up the pace.
We got into a rhythm.
My cock exploring his depths. His ass milking my cock. It didn't take him
long to learn to use his ass muscles to squeeze my dick as I had done to
him. His ass was so warm, so tight. So perfect.
We fucked. We. Made. Love.
Harder.
Deeper.
My head thrown back. Groaning. The sweat dripping off my body and onto
his. I had to see his face. I had to kiss his mouth. A quick flip. My
dick still inside him. He was surprised. On his back. Legs over my
shoulders.
A perfect sight.
A dream.
A tear.
Harder.
Deeper.
Legs back.
Lips locked.
His cock hard.
Bouncing.
As we fucked.
My dick in. Out. In. Deeper. Longer. Thrusting.
Balls banging against his ass.
Harder.
Opening him.
Giving myself to him.
Giving himself to me.
I slowed. Wrapping my arms around him. Allowing his legs to encircle me.
A mirror image of where we had been hours before. Him in me. Now me in
him.
Gentler.
Softer.
Just as deep.
Nearing the edge.
Our lips locked.
My cock ready to burst.
His eyes fluttering open.
Our eyes meeting.
Locked.
His nod.
His eyes pleading.
Please.
Give.
It.
To.
Me.
My eyes crying out.
Yes.
YES!
My hips thrusting.
My cock disappearing inside him.
Deeper.
Further. Reaching his most inner place.
A hard, long stroke.
And stars.
I'm seeing stars.
My head is spinning.
I'm flooding him with my cum.
My body shaking.
My body shaking his body.
His breath ragged.
His head thrown back.
His eyes closed.
Us joined.
As one.
##############################################################
CHAPTER TEN
I woke up to light streaming through the windows. A quick glance to the
clock. 11am. Ouch.
I rubbed my eyes.
Morning.
After.
Night.
Last night.
With Todd.
Todd.
Where's Todd?
I rubbed my eyes as I realized I was alone in bed. I didn't remember
Todd leaving. After we had... finished we had curled back up and fallen
fast asleep.
But now, he was gone. I sat up. Naked. No sheets on the bed. The faint
smell of sex and sweat still hanging over the room.
"Todd?" I ventured quietly. Maybe he was in the living room? The
bathroom? No response. Swing my legs over the bed and stand up.
Memories of last night racing through my mind. Incredible.
I poke my head into the bathroom. No Todd.
I walk into the living room. No Todd.
Where was he?
I was.
Alone.
Again.
I sat down on the couch, my head in my hands. Rubbing my eyes. Still
tired. Still not fully awake. Not ready to process what had happened
last night. What was happening between Todd and I... if it was anything
more? Where HAD he gone?
The phone rang. Who?
I walked over to the table by the door. "Hello?"
"Mr. Wilson, this is Fredrick from the front desk."
"Oh, yes, Good Morning."
"Sir, a gentleman left a note for you at the front desk."
"Oh, thank you."
"Sir, would you like me to send it up to your room?"
"No, no - I'll be down shortly and will pick it up."
"Very good, sir - thank you. Is there anything else I can do for you
Mr. Wilson?"
"No, thank you."
Click.
A note. It could only have been Todd. What was going on?
I walked into the bathroom. Shower on. Closet. Find some underwear. A
t-shirt. Back to the bathroom. Into the shower. Watering pouring down.
Washing away last night. My... sins?
Lather.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Replaying last night. Repeating them in my mind.
Lather.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Out of the shower. Towel off. Clothes on. Sunglasses. Need sunglasses.
Out of the room. Down the hall. Elevator.
Standing at the front desk, "excuse me, I believe you have a message for me?"
"Ah, Mr. Wilson - yes, of course. Here you go, sir."
I shove the note in my pocket. Not yet ready to read it. Out the door.
Down the stairs. Looking at the ground. Sunglasses on. Where do I go?
I walk straight ahead, there's a restaurant down the block. Eat something. Yes.
***
I'm sitting at the table drinking a beer. It's just noon. Starting early.
The waiter is cute.
I fish the note from my pocket and set it on the table in front of me?
What does it say? Does he not want to see me again? Is he embarrassed
about something? Is he confused? Heaven forbid - is his still married?
Why did he leave?"
Beer number two.
I open the envelope and take out the card. Its written on The Ritz's
stationary.
I read.
"J - Last night was incredible. I can't express how wonderful it felt to
be in your arms. To make love to you. I'm sorry I left without saying
good bye this morning. You were sleeping so peacefully and I couldn't
bring myself to wake you. I had to go into the office, and leaving you
was the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm hoping you'll let me see you
again - my mobile number is +41 100 200 3450. Looking forward to
kissing you again. Xx - Todd"
Oh.
My.
Nothing bad.
Work.
That was bound to come up sooner or later.
Work.
And, now - I had his number.
Where's my phone?
I find it in the pocket of my jacket. Should I call him right away? What do
I say? Why was I so nervous. Overnight I had become a completely different
person. I shook my head. Finished my drink. I needed some air.
Outside.
Walking through the streets. Scrolling through missed calls in my
phone. Last night. Mom. The worst timing as always. Mom.
Dial her number.
Press send.
It rings.
She picks up.
"Good morning, sweetheart. How are you?"
"Hi Mom, I'm pretty well - I'm sorry I missed your call last night. Is
everything okay?"
"Do things have to be bad for me to call? I just wanted to check-in and
see how you were enjoying London. Your Dad said he spoke to a few days
ago."
"Yeah - it's good. It's been... interesting."
I've slowed my pace. I've been walking for blocks and blocks and have
stumbled upon a street market. I'm making my way from stall to stall.
Mindlessly playing with the merchandise for sale as I'm talking on the
phone.
"What have you been up to?"
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
I need her help.
"Mom, can I ask your opinion on something? I need some advice."
A pause. "Of course, what is it?" A long silence.
"Mom, I think I've met someone."
"Oh, honey. Where? In London? John, you've only been there a few days."
"I know. I know. And I wasn't seeking it out, that's for sure. I mean. I've
been a disaster since..."
"Are you still there?"
"...yes... sorry. Since Steven died I haven't been the same."
"I know sweetheart. These things take time."
"Do you... do you think its bad that I'm even thinking about someone else?"
"John, can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
A long, drawn-out silence followed.
"Honey, listen. You know Steven and I spent a lot of time together,
particularly at the end."
She was crying. I could tell.
Tears.
Now falling.
Down my face.
We're both crying. Sniffling.
"John, those last few weeks. When you had to go into the office, and I
would spend the morning with Steven. You remember those days?" She didn't
wait for me to respond. Of course she knew the answer. "John, we talked
about a lot. I loved Steven like a son. You know we welcomed him into the
family. We were so happy for the two of you."
Tears.
On either side of the Atlantic.
Mother and son.
"John," she continued through the sniffles, "one of the things Steven
talked about was his hopes for your future. Honey, he loved you so
much, and he wanted you to go on living your life after he was gone."
Silence on my end. I had stopped now.
No longer walking.
Standing in the middle of the sidewalk.
In the middle of London.
Alone.
"But is it too soon to go on living?"
"No, darling - there is nothing as "too soon" - you loved him. He loved
you. And, if he was still with us, you'd still be together. But, he
wanted you to find happiness. His happiness in those last days was you -
every time you walked into the room I could sense his mood shift. You
lifted him up. You gave him joy. And he told me, many times, in those
last weeks..."
A pause.
"Mom?"
Sniffles.
Tears.
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
Both of us.
"Darling, he wanted you to be happy - whatever that meant for you. He
knew that you would probably love again. He was happy that you'd have
the opportunity. Even if it wasn't him."
Bawling.
Me.
On the street.
Alone.
"Mom."
"Honey, I know it's hard."
"Its so hard."
"Each day will be better. There will be good and bad, but ultimately
you'll move forward and ultimately you'll be better over time. It will
take time."
Tears slowing.
"Mom, I'm sorry I'm such a mess."
"John, you know you never have to apologize to me. A mother couldn't be
more proud of a son or love him more than I am proud of and love you. I
just wish I was there to give you a hug."
"I wish you were here, too."
"Sweetheart, if I could give you some advice."
"Always."
"Turn your phone off. Take a long walk along the river. Breathe. Deeply.
Long deep breaths. Walk until the sun starts to set. Just relax."
I laughed through the remainder of my tears. "Sounds easy enough."
"Never, darling. But I make it seem that way." She laughed in reply.
"Mom, I'll be back in New York on Friday afternoon. Would you and Dad like
to have dinner when I get in."
"Absolutely, we'll see you when you get here?"
"Thanks, Mom - I love you."
"Love you, too, sweetheart. Remember - BREATHE."
"Will do. Bye."
Click.
I turned around.
Almost a complete circle.
Which way do I go?
Lost.
Literally.
Figuratively?
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
BREATHE.
Sunglasses on.
I pick a direction.
Start walking.
Straight ahead.
Shoulders back.
Head up.
Focus.
Relax.
And focus.
I find my way down towards the Thames, following my Mom's advice. Not
sure of how much it will help. But trying nonetheless. Phone switched
off.
I walked along the path by the river. Glancing at the blue water. Watching
some boats motor their way up and down.
Eventually I found myself under a bridge. I leaned against the stone
wall that overlooked the river. Staring ahead and the huge stone
supports for the bridge. As I stared I realized that the name of the
bridge was carved into it. London Bridge. What are the odds? I smiled
to myself.
London Bridge. Cool.
Eventually I walked on.
Down the path.
The path of life?
Who knows.
I don't.
What to do.
My hand shoved in my pocket.
Todd's note there.
His number. Mangled by my fingers.
Constantly squeezing it, folding it.
What to do.
What.
To.
Do?
***
I wound up sitting on a bench.
Staring ahead.
Looking down.
Looking around.
Sunglasses on.
Alone.
In the city.
***
The hours pass.
***
Someone sits down next to me.
I don't have the energy to even look to see who it is.
I hear though.
Him.
Definitely a man.
Crying.
I steal a glance over.
His feet.
Up his legs.
His head is in his hands.
He's leaned forward.
He's...
##############################################################
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Alone on that bench, sitting next to the Thames. In the middle of
London. In the middle of the week. Alone.
The crying man next to me.
Putting my own confusion out of my mind - what would cause someone to sit
on a bench bawling?
I steal a glance. Always curious.
Up his legs.
He's bent down.
Head in his hands.
Dark hair.
A quick glance.
He looks...
No.
NO.
I lunge.
"HOW!?"
Startled, he jumps up.
It is.
It is him.
"HOW?!"
He's in shock. Eyes wide.
I was as well.
I can only imagine. What I look like. What we look like.
Me half off the bench, staring up at him. Him watching me.
My mouth moving, but no real worlds coming out.
I jump up.
Wrap my arms around him.
There are no words.
Just action.
Pulling him tight into me.
His head falling onto my shoulder.
My eyes still wide with shock. Tears forming.
At that point. I knew.
***
It was hours later.
We were sitting at a table tucked into a back, dark corner of a
restaurant not far from the Ritz. The hotel that felt more like home
these days than my real home. We had been staring at each other for the
last forty minutes or so. The talking at had stopped. Silent. But not
awkward. A rare thing. Almost as rare as him.
Todd.
Him.
In a happenstance of either fate or divine intervention - I didn't know
(or frankly care) which - I had ended up on bench right near his
office. His office. Todd's.
And, he. A mess after our night. Had walked out of his office to get
some air. And ended up at his favorite place to sit and think when he
needed a break from work.
The bench.
Together.
After we had calmed down, Todd had texted his assistant to let him know
that he wasn't going to be back to work for the day. And then we
walked. Arm and arm. Back towards the Ritz. It was the only place I
knew where to go.
In silence.
The whole way.
But peaceful.
Before we made it to the hotel though, Todd led us towards this restaurant
where we found ourselves now.
We had been tucked away in the back corner. Sipping on water. For almost an
hour before either of us could come to terms with talking.
He started.
"How was your morning?"
"Well, I was little shocked when you weren't there when I woke up.
Disappointed. In myself. I guess. Not sure of what had happened."
He took my hand.
"I'm so sorry."
"It's okay. I just. I haven't known what to do. About you. About last
night. About any of it."
Listen to Mom, I thought to myself.
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
"Todd, I just - I've told you what I've been through - and I just don't
know if I should feel bad about being ready to move on? And is it fair
to Steven that I want to move on with someone that I've only known for a
few days?"
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
It was coming out full force.
No stopping it.
"And, for that matter, how do I even know that you want to move on with me?
What the hell does moving on even mean?"
Sweating.
Todd gripping my hand tightly.
In a dark corner.
In the middle of the day.
Breathe.
Deep.
Breaths.
Eyes locked.
The waiter keeping his distance.
Tears down my cheek.
"I've just only felt like this once before, and I feel bad for feeling
this way - but I don't know what else to do. I want you. I want
everything about you. I don't ever want to be away from you. But how do
I expect that to happen? How can that happen? It can't. So now I'm
crying and rambling and just pouring out everything that I'm sure you
don't want to hear."
Silence.
I've stopped.
I wasn't sure what to say next.
He took care of it for me.
"John."
Softly. Quietly.
"John. It's okay. When I was sitting on that bench today, alone &
crying, I only thought of one thing - you. I thought, perhaps, I hadn't
heard from you today because you had woken up and realized that you
wanted nothing to do with me. That you wanted something different."
Tears.
Down both our faces.
Eyes locked.
"John. I woke up this morning, lying next to you. Watching you sleep.
Breathe. Your chest gently rising and falling. I knew at that moment,
that I wanted to wake up every day like that. With you."
With you.
With me.
Him.
Me.
Us.
Together.
Todd.
*** *** ***
"Good morning, as we prepare to make our initial descent towards London
Heathrow Airport, please gather your carry-on items and return your tray
tables & seatbacks to the upright & locked positions."
My eyes fluttered open, still half-asleep in the early morning hours.
The red-eye. It couldn't be more true. I stumbled out of my seat and
towards the lavatory to splash some water on my face.
Door locked. Bad lighting. Bed head. All things considered though, after 7
hours in an airplane seat, I didn't look half-bad.
I stepped out of the lavatory and looked around the first class cabin.
In the back row I see the light on above my mother's bed. I slowly walk
over. Careful not to disturb the rest of the cabin who seems to be
ignoring the flight attendant's message to wake-up.
"Good morning, mother."
She had been reading. Her eyes rose to meet mine.
"Good morning, John. Did you sleep well?"
"Yes, very well actually."
She smiled. "Good, good. Are the kids awake yet?"
"No, I don't think so - I was just about to go wake them up. Join me?"
"Of course, sweetheart."
She rose from her chair. It was like she hadn't been laying in a
chair-bed for the last seven hours. Perfectly groomed. She must've been
up for hours.
We walked a couple of rows up. Back to the row I had been sitting in. I
looked down. My empty seat.
And three full seats across the row.
The three most important seats in the world to me.
Him.
On the other end.
And, between us.
Them.
The kids.
Kids.
Him & Me.
Todd.
Todd & Me.
Twins.
Three years old.
Adorable.
Ours.
I squatted down next to Mary's seat, watching as my mother did the same
next to Parker's.
I brushed aside a lock of hair that had fallen across my daughter's face.
"Good morning, sweetheart." I whispered to her. Kissing her on the cheek.
Her eyes fluttering open.
My mother. Waking my son. As she had done countless times to me when I was
a little kid.
"It's time to wake up darling." I said looking down at Mary.
She looked up at me. Those wide, honest, open eyes of hers.
She yawned and started to wake up.
I looked up at my mother. She smiled at me.
I walked around the chair and met her, just as Parker was opening his eyes.
"Good morning, champ." I leaned down and whispered to him. Kissing him on
the cheek.
His clear blue eyes. Alert, refreshed. Awake.
With the kids awake I turned to the third chair. To him.
To Todd.
My husband.
Five years this weekend.
The whole family, flying to London for our anniversary party.
My dad. My sister. My brother. Already out at the house. The estate. Todd's
family home. His friends, gathering. My friends flying in.
Our family.
Family.
What a blur it's been.
I squatted down, for the third time this morning. Hearing my mother behind
me talking to the kids.
I ran my fingers across his brow.
Down his cheek.
I leaned in and kissed him.
"Good morning" I whispered in his ear.
His eyes flutter open. His face a smile.
"Good morning, fella." He whispers back.
A kiss.
Him.
Me.
Fella.
Us.
THE END.