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04 January 2012

Midwesternist Sports Roundup: Volume 1

Soooo much happened last night in Midwestern sports! Where are you gonna go to get the recap? ESPN? Too full of blowhards. Local paper? PRINT IS DEAD! Why not come here, where my half-assed attempts at keeping up with teams I care nothing about will ensure this little segment doesn't get past Volume 3.

Michigan (ugh) toppled Virginia Tech in the Sugar Bowl, which I skipped to catch up on Teen Mom 2. Does anyone else out there want Kieffer to get his own spin-off show? Where does he live? Who pays his cell phone bill? WHY DOES HE LOOK LIKE HE'S 35?? The only exciting thing about this game? Michigan's kicker draws his power from brown haired girls. "Every time we were struggling in kicking, coach tells me to think about girls on a beach or brunette girls," Gibbons said. "So that's what we did. Made the kick."

Michigan State pulled off a rare road win at Wisconsin last night in mens basketball. Is there any school in the country as boring at major sports as Wisconsin? They always seems to be ranked in the top 10-15 in football and basketball, but I would be hard pressed to name one player from any of their teams in the past decade.

Some 24 year old snuck into Wrigley Field at 7:30 on New Years day and pulled some ivy off the outfield wall. Really? You sneak into the greatest ballpark in baseball and all you do is grab some ivy (which doesn't even have any leaves on it this time of year)? Jesus, man...you gotta at least pretend to hit a home run and circle the bases to imaginary cheers. That's what I would have done because I am apparently 7 years old.