That if you could just be happy, dadgumit, your rivers of worries and heartaches would align with the sea and flow effortlessly out of sight, cleansing your life and freeing you to get on with the important stuff.

Imagine. If that happened, you could finally organize your side hustle or join a dodge ball league or a million other things that call to you in the middle of the night while you deconstruct your life’s choices, trying like hell to figure out where everything bottlenecks and just goes to shit.

When life is better, when I’m happier about, well, everything, that’s when I’ll get to the good stuff.

Yeah, I used to think so too.

LIES!

I’m here to let you in on the not so secret secret of how to make your life exponentially better (by the time you finish reading this post).

Pop Culture drives the happiness movement.

BE HAPPY!

THINK HAPPY!

SHARE THE HAPPY!

HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY #HAPPY

WHY THE HELL AIN’T YOU HAPPY, HOMBRE?!

It’s exhausting.

I will say that I consider myself a realistic optimist.

Realist: a person who understands what is real and possible in a particular situation and is able to deal with problems in an effective and practical way.

Optimist:a person who habitually expects good things to happen.

Doesn’t mean I’m happy all the time, just means I get life and understand that one can move through ups and downs in a manner that doesn’t equate to pop culture standards of an exaggerated state of being.

(In my head, and now here, I said to myself as I wrote those words: Fuck that noise.)

Let me explain…

Happiness is a feeling that doesn’t swim well with life’s vicious shark attacks.

Happiness is the little fish that gets chomped in the process of life’s school of ruthless sharks descending on your lovely beach.

I can’t imagine that when life’s SHARK WEEK! happens to you, your thoughts will run to happiness, or that you will try to remember happiness in that moment.

Or, maybe that is entirely my failing. Maybe you will find your happiness while bleeding out.

Optimism is an entirely different thang.

There you are on the beach, an arm severed, wondering how in the hell you’re going to survive, knowing the reality of your situation is dire, when suddenly, someone offers help. Suddenly your reality has a bit of hope, you might get through your shark attack and be able to move forward.

It might be a just glimmer, but that’s optimism.

The side-eye I give to the happiness movement is that it leaves a trail of guilt in its wake. BE HAPPY, DADGUMIT! Um, no can do at the moment. Can’t you see that life is trying to kill me?! ~arm spurting blood with each heartbeat~

I have enough to feel guilty about in my life: snarky comments, too much cake (wait. is that even a thing?!), staring at my smartphone too long in others presence, knee-jerk eye rolls, pretending I’m asleep so Garry lets Dex outside on a weekend morning, sharing fart jokes with someone who obviously does not appreciate funny sounding body functions.

To add BE HAPPY! to that list when the reality of whatever shark attack I’m moving through at the moment is decidedly NOT HAPPY, seems like I’m hammering my own thumb…on purpose. No thanks.

Instead, I’ll remain my optimistic realist self. I’ll know that while happiness is not required to live a good and healthy life, and it’s lovely to feel and I’m sure I’ll feel it over and over again in my life, the difference will be that my happiness will be a natural occurrence, a byproduct of living and not thinking about doing.

Which really makes me wonder: is happiness something you can teach a person to be?

Sure, there are traits of happy folks, there are meditations to dwell on, there are smiles to wear and hearts to shift, but is the actual place of being happy, a teachable, tangible, emotion?

If it is, then it seems as if I could teach myself to be angry all the time, too (not gonna happen, but come on, play along).

The thought of teaching myself to be angry is laughable. FYI: I’m not talking about righteous anger here. I’m talking the simple act of feeling angry when stuff happens. BE ANGRY, DADGUMIT! Logically, we know that method probably won’t work. Plus, it certainly isn’t necessary.

My reasoning is if it doesn’t work for one emotion, it most likely won’t for another.

I’ll hang on to my natural traits of being an optimistic realist, instead. Doesn’t mean everything goes my way. Doesn’t mean that it’s a false put-on. Doesn’t mean I have to force the feelings. I don’t even think it’s a choice for me. DNA and all.

While it would be amazing to feel happy for the majority of the time, while moving through this life, I think so much of what we read about needing is a direct effect of folks feeling emotions that aren’t in the happy realm, the emotions that aren’t as socially acceptable as a giant HAPPY. It’s tough to be sad and depressed and upset. Yet, those are also healthy emotions to feel, you know, as long as you work through those badboys.

With pop culture breathing down our necks if we express anything other than the sweet light of all is well, it makes sense that we see so many imploring us to BE HAPPY, DADGUM IT!

I don’t think it’s that easy; I don’t think manufactured happiness is necessary to living a good and healthy life.

I’ll take my realistic optimism and on the days I’m having a happy, I’ll be grateful for it. I’m just not going to dwell on making that my emotion of choice.

So, how does one, how can one, make their life exponentially better knowing that happiness may be elusive?

Lean in, my babies, for here is the not so secret secret:

Appreciating, accepting, the right here, the right now, of your life.

WHAT?!

I tell no lies.

When you can appreciate what you have and where you are, it demands you clear a space in your mind and heart.

You will find joy. A joy that transcends happiness.

You know when you plan a trip and you carry the joy of what will be around with you, right up to embarking on the trip? Then, maybe, the trip falls short of your expectations? When you appreciate the here – the now – of what it is you DO have – it won’t matter.

The upside is that your unmet expectations will turn into a much-told anecdote that bears the fruit of compounded joy.

Appreciating what you have, when you have it, makes room for the kind of happiness that actually makes a difference in our lives.

You can’t Amazon Prime that shit. (don’t ask me how I know)

You can’t download it into your psyche.

You can’t drink/eat/drug your way to the Yellow Brick Road.

The external fades; the internal stays.

Look around you.

Appreciation in its most simplistic form is recognizing that you have shelter, electricity and food.

Scoff if you’d like, but Google how many don’t have the basics. Sobering.

Does someone love you? Amazing. Hope you appreciate their love.

Do you have a pet? Give ’em a squeeze. Unless it’s a porcupine – then maybe a well-distanced smile o’appreciation.

Do you have books to read? A smart phone? Shoes you love? A car that works?

Do you have a bed? Pillows? A working bathroom?

Do you have neighbors that wave hello (or throw you a stay-off-my-lawn old man fist)? Do you have a favorite grocery store? Are you employed?

I’ll stop. You get it.

We don’t need no stinkin’ manufactured happiness. We need appreciation, which will drive joy, which will f’in’ change your life.

Appreciate where you are and what you have for a few days, then come back and tell me if your life isn’t exponentially better for the acknowledgement.

Get that beer, or Scotch, or ice cream and celebrate the fact that while life was having a go at you, you hit back with action.

Celebrate the fact that your will was stronger than the punch to your kisser.

I’m here, ass in chair, feeling like a loser today.

Give me an L! Give me an O! Giver me a S! Give me an E! Give me a R!

What does it spell?

~big squealy pom pom finish here~

PATTI!

I know if I let the feelings wash over me, if I listen to the soothing voice that keeps insisting that I stop, that if I decide to give in, I’ll feel 100% worse and my recovery from this lie of being a loser or that I suck, will take longer.

Instead, I’m fighting back.

This is how I did it today:

Life Popped Me in the Kisser Me: WAAAAAA! I suck. I should call it a day. *whimper and sad eyes here*

In Your Dreams Me: Nope. Not gonna happen, bitch (yep, I actually trash talk meself like that – you should hear me on a run).

Life Popped Me in the Kisser Me: But, even if I try to accomplish the unaccomplishable, the results will suck. Cause, as noted and spelled out, I’m a loser.

Doesn’t Take Shit Me: Tough noogies, woman. Get a cold drink. Get your ass in the chair. START.

Life Popped Me in the Kisser Me: Fine. But, it’s not gonna be good. I just want to sit outside with a beer and *think* about how I should proceed, cause you know, planning is important for forward motion. How can I start when I don’t have a plan? I even have a new journal somewhere. Maybe I should look for that first. Oh! I also bought new colored pens. That way, I can organize my thoughts by color. Once I’ve contemplated where I should go and how I should get there – THEN! – then, I can work.

Don’t Make Me Come Down There Me: OMG, woman. Shut up and START.

So, I did.

Now, I’m not saying you have to be so, um, bitchy, with yourself, but any tough love variation will work.

The absolute key is you must START.

Period.

No negotiating.

I’ve lived life long enough to know that to overcome the hard stuff, you need action, not rest.

Rest AFTER you’ve overcome the pop to the kisser.

You’ll be happier. There will be less suffering. And the ice-cold beer (your carrot here) will taste like victory.

Life can get bent.

I’ve never met a punch to the kisser that couldn’t be overcome (and i’ve seen things – ♫ ominous music here ♫ ).

It’s my literal business to be deeply aware of what I do, whom I do it for, what folks want and how I can offer them (you!) what is needed and wanted.

At my most basic, I’m a teacher.

Yes, a writer, always a writer, but that skill, my gift of words, is merely the vehicle I drive in order to deliver the lessons.

Of all the questions I get, the main one is either how to begin or how to know what to do.

The first is easy, any manual can get you started. The second is deeply personal and the question of the ages: who are you and what do you do?

I’ve been trying to narrow that last one down my entire life.

How to know what to do?

Start with a list of the things you love to do.

I love to read – I’m a reader!

I love to write – I’m a writer!

I love to bake – I’m a baker!

I love to mother – I’m a mother! (insert ALL THE JOKES HERE)

I love to take care of those around me – I’m a caregiver!

I love to garden – I’m a gardener!

I love to make to make folks laugh – I’m a comedian!

I love to show folks how strong they are and that they CAN, especially when they believe they can’t – I’m a confident mofo!

I love to pass along my experience, knowledge and wisdom gained from my darkest of journeys, because I know others think they are alone – they are hesitant to believe there are others who are like them, who have suffered like them.

Even my about page offers insight to who I am:

I hope when you read my words, wherever they are, you laugh your behind off – or think until it hurts – or cry public tears. I hope your life is expanded in some way.

Not just because of the singular stories about life’s joys and ridiculous twists, but because you recognize the collective us in the words.

I’m compelled to shine the light on the threads that connect us, instead of the vast gulf that divides us.

We are stronger together, no matter how terrifying the flying debris appears or how soft the landing cushion feels. We are stronger knowing we aren’t alone.

That’s why I write.

You’re not alone on your journey. You’ve got me – you lucky duck!

Yet, I struggle and come back to who it is I am and what it is I do, frequently, because I love so many things; I’m passionate about so many things.

How does one narrow it down?

Some folks have a singular vision, a singular dream. I envy those people.

What I could do with singularity!

Nope. I gotta be someone who loves ALL THE THINGS!

Maybe you do, too.

Or maybe not.

It’s a scrambled egg mess some days and wouldn’t it be nice to have an easy to follow roadmap?

What do you know – there’s a Ted Talk about that: How to know You Life Purpose in 5 Minutes

Don’t wimp put. This video is worth the time to watch and do the simple exercise.

I did it.

You can too.

Try to allow the questions to ping your inner passion, your inner beast waiting to pounce. In other words, don’t make this tough. Hear the question. Take a beat. Answer.

This isn’t a test; you will be allowed to change your mind.

Ready? (my answers follow)

#1: Who are you?

Patti (woot! aced it!)

#2: What do you do? What do you love to do?

What is the ONE thing you feel supremely qualified to teach other people?

I write. I love to write.

I feel supremely qualified to teach others how to overcome by offering confidence, through knowledge.

That still seems a bit simplistic, but that’s kinda the point of this exercise.

#3: Who do you do it for?

You. (stop blushing – i love you!)

#4: What do those people (you!) want or need?

Positive change.

#5: How do they change or transform as a result of what you give them?

Confidence to do.

Now, these answers are ridiculously simplistic. I could write pages and pages about who I am and what I do. Life is never as simple as answering a Ted Talk’s questions. Still, there is value in the exercise.

I’m a paid writer, so I help my clients overcome lack of sales, by offering confidence and knowledge through copywriting to bring about results ($sales$) for my clients.

My writing, the thing I love to do, the thing I do no matter if I’m paid or not, is about teaching and exploring positive change that offers you confidence to do, to overcome, no matter what the subject matter – your fear of baking, or photography, or of being so dadgum needy. (please. we all know i’m the needy one here. love me! see me! laugh with me!)

If you’re like me, you’ll watch the video more than once.

You’ll scratch out your original answers, you’ll add new things, you’ll take out others (what were you thinking), keeping the heat on, simmering your understanding further down until all that’s left is the deep rich Au Jus sauce that is your flavorful passion; the secret sauce only you can offer the world.

Mmmm, Au Jus. Makin’ me hungray.

The point is to listen, to participate, to think, to ponder, to be open, and to explore that which sets you on fire and then, once discovering, moving forward in your life with the passion of who you are and what you do.

As Adam stated, it is powerful.

If you watched the video until the end, you know that Adam shows you how to put numbers one through five into a sentence when folks ask you, “What do you do?”

Remember that song from your childhood? The one that reminds you to let your light shine?

It was written as a gospel song for children, but for much of my adult life, I have related to the lyrics when feeling aligned with who I was called to be.

In order to let your light shine, you have to like yourself.

Full Disclosure: I’ve never had an issue with liking who I am. I LOVE ME (while painfully aware others do not – acquired taste, people). I wanna marry me – or at least, I would if I could, and I would totally be my bff.

Yet, in all that self-assured self-love (get your mind outta the gutta!), there have most assuredly been times when I have doubted myself, have wondered who the hell I thought I was, and have even crowned myself The Assiest Ass Whoever Assed.

It’s normal.

But, to answer my own question of do you like who you are? Yes. Yes, I do.

Do you?

I’m hoping like hell the answer is yes…ALL THE YESES!

If not, if you’re not sure you like you, if you’re on the fence about you, what can you do about it?

Can you simply tell the heart not to believe what it believes?

I don’t think so.

When we believe anything, that belief is based on events, information, and culture. If we have been raised to believe, if we have lived a life saturated in opinion that bends us in spirit to accommodate a belief, if we feel there is a significant price to pay (physically, mentally or spiritually) for difference of thought, then most of us stay the course with the majority.

That was then; this is now. You’re a grown-ass adult. You get to believe what you want.

You are allowed to like yourself, right where you are, complexities and scars evident to all.

How to begin?

Start a focused and serious campaign with you, to sway you to the affirmative aisle of self-acceptance.

Listen, life can be a fucking shit-show. We each carry bags, sealed tight to the outside world, that if accidentally opened, would reveal our gaping gory wounds.

The magical secret is we’re all in this together – ain’t no one getting out alive. We’re all wounded and trying to keep it hidden from ever’one.

Maybe you feel no one understands (we do). Or, your situation is unique (meh). Or, that you carry the nastiest bag in the world and if anyone caught a glimpse, they’d run and wouldn’t like you either (yeah, okay…no).

In this case, you’re not so special. You’re one of us.

Maybe you were never allowed to fully grieve the events you faced. Or maybe you thought it weak to do so. Or maybe all-the-whatevers here.

It’s time to take the trash out, y’all.

I’m gonna tell you what works for me when I’m cut by life’s rusty kitchen knife.

Before I do, I want to assure you I have a buttload of issues too. While loving who I am has never ever been one of them, I’m just like you when it comes to wanting to work things out and move forward. Life is dirty and bloody and needs a daily throat-punch, but there are ways to overcome whatever you face.

How do I know?

Because I have, that’s how.

I wish a simple STOP IT! would help, but I’ve seen enough to know it won’t.

How can you let your light shine when you don’t believe it’s worthy of the warmth it offers?

Give yourself permission to do whatever it takes to start believing.

If it means sharing your burden with friends – share it.

If it means crying in the chip aisle in a grocery store (done it) – cry in the aisle.

If it means long walks contemplating the whys and hows of where you find yourself – get to walking.

If it means talking to a therapist, sharing in a sacred circle or laying things out to your dog – start talking.

If it means dropping to your knees to pray for guidance – stop, drop and pray.

If it means simply telling yourself that you may not believe it now, but you’re gonna (even if this feels like a lie) – tell yourself.

This method has three simple steps:

#1: You must start.

#2: You must be brutally honest with yourself.

#3: There is no timeline for completion.

NONE.

There’s no: in a week, month or year, business. You pull on your wading boots and get into the pit. Stay there till the job is done.

Here’s the life-affirming fairy dust: once you take control of a shitty situation, even in the smallest of ways, life starts to react.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction: Newton’s Third Law of Motion. It’s SCIENCE!

Step One: You enter the tunnel of hell, you fight your fucking demons, then suddenly, one unexpected day, there it is – a glimmer of light – YOUR LIGHT!

The key to flipping the situation on its arse, to any issue really, is to start the hard work.

Step Two: No lies. No being pretend-kind to yourself by softening the truth of what needs to be changed. That will only serve to stall your progress. Acknowledge your responsibility in the situation and how you have allowed yourself to avoid facing the hard bits in your life. Look yourself in the mirror. Promise yourself that you’re going to do the best you can by you. Remind yourself that you’re the only person who can change you, and that you will see the process through, no matter how messy or uncomfortable it gets.

Step Three: Keep working towards resolution until, well, you think you’re as swell as we do!

It’s that simple and gut-wrenchingly difficult.

You can turn things around. You can go from being neck-deep in the blackest pit, to a new day of embracing the light only you can shine.

Now’s A Good Time To Subscribe!

I’m about to lay some valuable Internet wisdom on ya – feel free to do you and ignore.

You know the commercial about feeling FOMO (fear of missing out)? When you are in search of what it is you need to know, what it is you are desperate to know, ignoring the sage-like gurus, ignoring the glittery wannabes, ignoring the noise of Internet wisdom is tough and may give you a severe outbreak of FOMO.

Nope. No pill for that.

How do you know what to keep and what to toss?

When is it best to ignore Internet wisdom?

WHEN?!

It’s a hard call, I know. There’s so frickin’ much of the glorious low-hanging fruit, you just wanna grab it all and run to your hidey-hole, gorging on its goodness till you puke out the GUARANTEED! results.

Or something like that.

Here’s my rule of thumb: Ignore any Internet wisdom if it doesn’t resonate and move you forward.

Even if that wisdom comes from me.

Why?

Why would I tell you to ignore any wisdom I might try to impart, born from my years of experiences and hard-won battles?

If it doesn’t make sense to you, to your situation, it’s a waste of time.

Wasting time is for losers. Unless it’s the kind of time-suck that requires a sunny beach and bottomless dranks. < #everdayallday

I am guilty of listening to the noise, thinking I gotta do that…I gotta buy that…I gotta…

Sound familiar?

When I was new to building my business (maybe for you it’s getting into medical school or being a new parent/grandparent – this still applies), I listened to the noise of those who swore they knew what was best for my path (just writing that down made me laugh…ballsy, yo).

As you travel the vast highways of the Internet, and are bombarded with the prevailing wisdom of the day (ever’one is doing THIS!), with the latest and greatest in wisdom (studies show!), with the don’t-miss-out wisdom (if you don’t act NOW!…), but are feeling anxious that it might not be for you, yet don’t want to regret not acting…take a beat.

That hesitation you’re feeling means that the wisdom, the information offered, doesn’t resonate with you and your unique situation and as such will not move you forward in a lasting way. Instead, it will bog you down in remorse.

Following the crowd, when it clearly isn’t your thing – don’t do that.

Think about your most trusted allies. Think about any bits and pieces they’ve offered you in hopes of smoothing your path. Think about how many times you’ve politely listened, yet set aside their wisdom because you felt, you were certain, it didn’t apply.

You made a strong decision. You didn’t fear the what-ifs. My guess is you moved forward in confidence because what was offered wasn’t helpful. That. Do more of that when you come across most of the so-called wisdom on the Internet.

Screw FOMO – you have a brain, a gut, that you can rely on to decipher if any wisdom offered is helpful to you. And if it’s not, keep it moving, bub.

Even – especially – if it’s offered by a guru.

Screw that noise.

How do you know when the wisdom offered is for you?

When you hear something that resonates, information that speaks to you, you have a physical reaction: eyebrows dart up, pupils become focused and bright, a delighted Oooooexhales from between pursed lips.

In contrast, when Internet wisdom needs to be chucked (no matter how highly regarded it is), when it isn’t a good fit, you’re hesitant, you take a poll, you make a pro/con list, you sleep on it, you debate, you drink, you stress eat, you go back over the lists, you drive everyone around you nuts – basically, you waste precious time.