Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #23.

Yesterday on Gawker.com, I took a seat (virtually) at a Very SeriousCreativity magazine-sponsored roundtable made up of 11 of the industry's coolest, hippest, toppest creative directors. My counterpoints were roundly ignored. (link)For previous Lies Well Disguised links, type those three words into my search window up there on the left.

Nice package!

In today's USA Today, The American Advertising Federation, apparently somewhat in response to a negative article in the Feb. 12thAd Age, ran a full page ad with the above image. The ad's headline screams Hey Recruiters! and it's tagged with an 800 number to call to receive a CD with résumés of promising minority ad grads. And it looks like they used actual students here, not attractive fake models! Nice! (click image) I hope, in addition to the "sure I can" voice chip, Mr. Account Guy here also comes with the "the client wants it jazzed up 10%" and BIG FAKE LAUGH chips.previously in minorities in advertising:1. Ad Age White Christmas.2. R&R minus R&B.3. Diversity has a Mascot.related on Gawker: Advertising Week 2006.

Monday, February 26, 2007

The Village Voice Sex Ad Awards.

It’s the first ever Vexy Awards. Over the weekend, I thoroughly examined all the sex ads in the back of the Village Voice. Today, I reveal the winners.Before we get started, you should know that, in the past, I have judged One Show, Clio, and ANDY advertising awards events. You should also know that there are two strict requirements that must be met before one can judge the preliminary rounds of these prestigious awards shows. You must: 1) work in advertising; 2) show up.The categories judged: Female Bodywork; Male Bodywork; and SheMale Bodywork.I only picked from the small black & white ads; obviously larger color ads are going to get more attention. I was interested in what the advertisers could do to break through the semi-naked clutter. Many ads were immediately ruled out because they used one or both of the two most pedestrian and least believable escort ad copy phrases—"actual photo" and "new in town." Also, ads that featured models with blurred faces or blacked-out eyes in a desperate and obviously deceptive attempt to make you think that the model pictured was indeed real, were disregarded. The three winners are below.Female Bodywork. The most competitive category, with over 100 display ads. But theGold Vexy goes to this particular "big women" agency ad. It wins for two reasons. 1) They fit five zoftig ladies into a very small ad. 2) Lady number four has been named "Fellatio." Ha! Censor didn't catch that one! Also, a Silver Vexy goes to an Asian service that used the copy line "1st Class Heaven."Male Bodywork. Obviously, the Voice is not the first choice for most New York City gay men seeking bodywork, as there were only a handful of display ads. Nonetheless, Mido wins the Gold Vexy thanks to his smart copy line, "I'm Here For You Older Men Ages 45 And Up." Excellent targeted marketing.SheMale Bodywork. I was thinking of enlisting the services of Gotham writer and shemale connoisseur Jonathan Ames to help me pick a winner here, but I figured he might have actually experienced the services of one or more of the escorts, and therefore then could not have provided an objective opinion. Anyway, a very competitive group. The Gold Vexy goes to Chyva. Her exotic name stood out. Also, she managed to slip in a bare ass shot amidst a sea of thongs.Thanks for cumming. Everybody drive safety.previously in Village Voice:1. Join the Village Voice Street Prostitution Gang.2. I'm sorry you all suck.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Bacon Wristband Winners...

Frankly, a pretty lame response (original post).THESE COST ME 3 BUCKS EACH, YOU FUCKS! PLUS I'M PAYING FOR THE SHIPPING!On to the comments.The best: anon #1: "Because I'd fuck the fire pig. Doggy style. So fucking hard its snout would be buried in the turf as if it were rooting for truffles. SOOIE!" Very visual description.Honorable mention: anon # 4: "Give me one of those mother fucking bracelets CR." I adore simplicity.But they both win nothing cause they're anons.Now the actual "winners."#1: Bob. Because he linked to a chilling shot from the Tate/LaBianca murder scene.#2: hennesjp. Because she(?) thought of bacon while viewing a goofy, fleshy human cadaver exhibit.#3: David. Because his train of thought that led him from "Bacon" to "Cobain" had to be drug-induced.#4: Lia. Because she found a pair of Capri pants that look like bacon.marj, you left me NINE fucking comments. You should have known that that would disqualify you to the power of infinity.Bob and Lia—I need email addresses and you need to contact me so's I can mail you your wristbands. You have until Monday morning, otherwise I pick two other "winners.""Thanks"

Two accent marks. 30 mannequin legs. One insane store.

(click image for close-up look at the insanity)For many years, I've been completely mesmerized by the window display of élégance, the women's accessories store near the Amtrak seating area in Penn Station. OK OK, YES, I've got, uh, a bit of a stocking fetish. Several times, I've almost slammed into people while walking and gawking at the crazy-ass legging/stocking styles. I mean, those patterns are fucking crazy! Seems to be the perfect place for Ladies/Trannies Of The Night to pick out a style that'll stand out from the crowd on the western avenue corners. And although I'm sure I'm wrong, it seems that, year-to-year, the window never changes. Ladies/Trannies/CrossDressers—which is your favorite pattern?previously in awesome NYC:1. The Great Wall of New York.2. NYC window displays—Zamir Furs.3. TriBeCa Horror Film Festival.4. Always use black type, Sweetheart.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Lies Well Disguised 21 + 22.

Last week on gawker, I looked at a few NYC medium choices that perhaps maybe should be thought about very carefully before placement of message. (link)Yesterday, I tried to get a sense of the current vodka wars, and even wiped my ass with the latest Ketel One ad. Yes I actually did. (link)For previous Lies Well Disguised, type that phrase up there in the "search blog" window.Next week, I plan on reviewing the sex ads in the back of this week's Village Voice, and giving out awards.

Someone Talked! Round 1.

I've got a backlog of tips and rumors from anon emailers. Here's the best of the first round. Second round to come in a couple of weeks.• Trey Laird (photo) of Laird+Partners (cr—the New York agency responsible for Gap ad work that did absolutely nothing to stem the hemorrhaging of the chain's revenue.) "nearly died of exposure at a fashion shoot on an polar iceberg when, instead of wearing proper arctic cold-weather gear, he wore some sort of silly Prada snowsuit one might see on the slopes at Sundance. He had to be airlifted out by military helicopter." (cr—HA!)• Jason Binn (real name, Binnstock. [snicker].), the man responsible for the current repugnantluxury magazine craze, "was kicked out of the University of Cincinnati for stalking a co-ed." (cr—read about my own encounters with this prick here)• Above—many of you are familiar with pic at left of "Big Idea" ad-man Donny Deutsch (Double D fired one of his art directors for emailing the pic around.) Well, not as widely distributed is the second pic of the speedo-sportin' muffin of stud. (click images) Very Joey Buttafuoco-esque, yes? (my Deutsch thread starts here.)(cr—I did absolutely nothing to verify the above possible flat-out lies. I report, you scoff, etc.)

Monday, February 19, 2007

Win a LIVE GREASY wristband!

Today, I will be wearing my bacon wristband in honor of the Chinese year of the Pig—specifically the Female Fire Pig—which began yesterday. Some famous Pigs include Arnold Schwarzenegger, Hilary Rodham Clinton, Flavor Flav, Snoop Dogg, Morrissey, Sasha Baron Cohen, + Johnny Knoxville.I have also purchased four additional bacon wristbands. I will give them away to the four people who, either through comments or email, best explain why they deserve one of these sizzling, attractive items. Show all those smug Live Strongers what's really important in life—eating pig ass.UPDATE: The contest ends today, Tuesday February 20th, at midnight.UPDATE #2: This is, in fact, a real contest. You people writing in anonymously obviously can't win because, A) I can't contact you, and B) You can't prove you wrote the comment.UPDATE #3: Contest is over. I will notify the winners and post about it by Friday afternoon.previously in stupid posts:1. The Tattoo Sleeve.2. Film at 11.3. Have you ever seen a fat mummy?4. I think, therefore I am stupid.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Co-Chairmen.

(click images for closer look)
Reminiscent of a classic scene from The Jerk (the "chair" line is about 3 minutes in), these guys don't need to take anything from the office when they retire...except their chairs. Sometimes, the second visual in a campaign can clear up the confusion that the first one caused...not this time. Ameriprise Financial, you want me to trust you with my nest egg when your advertising effort is plain cuckoo?
(thanks to MTLB for finding the AmeripriseDennis Hopper TV spot, which also features The Red Chair, on the beach in the background—looking very, very lonely.)previously in questionable business ads:
1. Fake Chairman of the Board.
2. Rest now, BlingBling...
3. The Good Hands, Bad Taste People.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

BREAKING!!! non-hate...

(click image for closer look)I don't love this, but I don't hate it either. Two reasons: 1. It hit a soft spot. I did a spec campaign for YKK zippers when I was at the School of Visual Arts here in NYC. It was, of course, smarter than this ad (of course), but this ad has a cooler visual. 2. When the moronic client says "I need to show the full line of zippers in the ad," doing something even mildly interesting isn't easy. OK, I fucking HATE "Fashionable by Nature." Lazy fucking line.(scanned from today's WWD)UPDATE: I shoulda added that this ad is targeted at fashion designers (thus the WWD placement), not consumers.previously in ads I didn't hate:1. Iggy Pop for John Varvatos.2. caffeinated cheerleader for T-Mobile.3. Peter Stormare for VW.

Monday, February 12, 2007

true (.com) story?

(last week, an anon commenter left this 300+ word diatribe, typos and all, on this post about true.com CEO Herb Vest [left]. A lot of details, who knows if they're, um, true. We report, you decide, etc.)The old fart married a girl half his age. that is a big number 30+ years.She didn't have breast so he bought her some. He has bought them for other girlfriends.Golddigger and cradle robbing perv.The guy is full of crap. He is on his third marriage. Has a history of sexual harrasment, cheating, hookers, threesomes, being sued by his ex fiance. Vest faked an engagement by running of with another women to Vegas and Hawaii buy the girl one hundred thousand dollars in jewelry. All this to hurt this women he dated/cheated on of over 6 years. He cheated on her and has been stalking her by hiring a detective to follow her and as many as 7 people tracking her at the same time. Had is detective and two others follow her to Vegas on her birthday with her sister because he thought she was a lesbian hooker video type, photograph, steel trash, and possible break into her computer and wire tap her phone, had her friends followed. The woman fears for her life and is afraid to leave her home or put out her trash to this day. That is why she is suing Vest. For years and hundreds of thousands of dollars even after he got married Vest contunied. She also has proof of prejury by Vest and his attornies to the courts. Vest is tying to calm that she is stalking him and his wife now. Vest has defrauded his two sons and his mother of millions. Never has seen his grandson. Vest broke the settlement agreement with the Doctor he sued and had to pay the doctor.He thinks the CIA murdered his father. Vest has no friends and keeps his wife away from her family and friends. Young, dumb, with boobs that is how he likes them.Vest claims his site is wholesome and the safest. The protection people need is from him and True.com running date bait and billing scams.previously in true.com1. Holly's once, twice, three times a lady...2. BIKINI KILL!3. Breaking News NOW...4. so feel free to wear your tightest shorts, ladies.5. on cyber-dating advertising.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Cerealism.

(click image)
I haven't examined the back of kid's cereal boxes in, well, a shitload of years. So I was shocked SHOCKED to see what hath become of the former home of maze puzzles and free decoder ring offers. Here we have the backside of a Cocoa Krispiesbox. I mean, look at the asylum-crazy looks on the nightmarish boys' faces. Also appreciate the subtlety of the 'RAD' on the bottom of batshit-boy #2's sneaker. Meanwhile, there's Crack, Scrapple, and Pot, just chillin' at the bottom of the choco half-pipe.
(pic and post idea by slinky redfoot at brandspankin.com) previously:Murdering Cereal with Marketing.

Lies Well Disguised, #20.

The column was delayed a day due to gawker editor illness. A couple of you wanted my who-gives-a-shit take on the Super Bowl ads. Well, here it is (link). It's a bit longer than last year's "Live Blog" of the game's commercials.For previous Lies Well Disguised links, type "lies well disguised" up there in the search window.

Just FYI: I did an 8-ball this morning, so I'll be posting like a crazy person today.

Fake Chairman of the Board.

ad from Ameriprise Financial for retirement planning, scanned from the Wall Street Journal. I trimmed off the body copy because no one reads fucking body copy. Just FYI, it talks about how Ameriprise is "redefining" (cough. hack.) retirement planning because they focus on your "dreams" not numbers. As you can see, they've established a service mark for "Dreams don't retire" (hack. cough.). However, this man is not being guided through his dream-filled retirement by Ameriprise, because this man is a model...NOW, why the fuck he's standing on a fucking chair is the real mystery here. Guesses?previously in stupid corporate ads:1. Rest now BlingBling...2. The Good Hands Bad Taste People.3. "Trees are pretty. Let's us trees."4. bp. beyond poppycock.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Where's LT when you need him?

(for my non-sports fan readers, 'LT' stands for Lawrence Taylor, and the headline references this particular play he made on then quarterback Joe Theismann. not for the squeamish.)Above is an example, scanned from the most recent ESPN magazine, of forcibly wedging an already weak advertising campaign idea into a Big Event opportunity (Super Bowl). The Johnnie Walker people are understandably seeking to establish their hooch as the go-to hard liquor for the ex-frat boy sports fan with disposable income demo. But their lame "play" makes absolutely no sense. What kind of backfield setup is that? the power triangle?(campaign via Bartle Bogle Hegarty, NYC)previously in Johnnie Walker sports ads:1. JW tells NFLers to forgo anesthesia, drive drunk.2. Is IT In YOU?

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Let's speed up "the Aging Process"

Let's pretend that this is the last ever Balvenie scotch ad featuring the Balvenie Weenie™. How would you like to see the mouthlessdouchebag perish?• Beaten to death with a folding chair by a Biker at an AA meeting.• Burned to death in the basement of his Mom's house because of a fire started by his faulty hotplate.• Chokes to death on a single beer nut in a jam-packed bar.Please leave your scenarios in the comments if you want.To read the previous 8 Balvenie Weenie™ posts, gohere.

Film at 11.

In the midst of a BOY'S NIGHT OUT (caps & boldmine) last Friday, myself, TAN, KC, Dave, James (pictured) stopped at the Popeye's on 13th Street to dine and converse. In addition to a gentlemanly discussion revolving around how stereotypical the scene of three large black men (three of the aforementioned quintet) nibbling on fried chicken looked, the above piece of in-store signage with the Onion-esque headline also prompted a lively, if brief, exchange. Here's how I remember it:TAN: "Take your batter off, Bitch!"copyranter: "Naked-er!!"KC: "Mutherfuckin' YEAH!!!"James: "Make sure you get me in the pic..."Aspiring filmmaker Dave also shot a 1 minute, 24 second movie of TAN entitled "crybaby chicken negro," which will be posted here at a future date, and eventually will be entered in next year's Oscar® short film documentary category.previously in stupid NYC:1. The Trans Fat War Turns Childish.2. The MTA. Very Anal.3. Jonathan Swift Realty, Inc.4. Phew! York.5. Boomer's Beemer Befouls Boho's Bosom.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Hey Beaver, damn if you ain't infringing on a copyright.

For some reason, I've been following the exploits of New York City's and AndréBalazs' hot piece of real estate twat (no, not Uma) from day one. I like the little guy. But here, The Beav lamely jumps on the Super Bowl™® exploitation pile. Thing is André, The NFL is VERY protective of the term "Super Bowl." Maybe you noticed how all the advertisers not officially sanctioned by the league say "Big Game" instead of (shhh) "Super Bowl" in their ads. And André, making it one word doesn't exempt you, pal.(scanned from yesterday's New York Times)update: as an anon commenter states, this is a case of trademark, not copyright, infringement.previously in William Beaver House ads:1. The Beav's plans featured more wood.2. Dean Balazs will NOT tolerate wild parties...3. AndréBalazs has a new black beaver.

Friday, February 02, 2007

ATTENTION: ad and marketing people

SEND ME YOUR TIPS AND RUMORS. Got a well-known advertising or marketing boss who's a dickface or twathead? Has Donny Deutsch stolen your "big idea" and called it his own? Been to a pitch recently that went horribly and hilariously wrong? Overheard some of that retarded "ad speak" that only happens at ad agencies? Accounts changing hands? Whatever. SEND ME YOUR STORIES. If it's interesting and smells strongly of credibility, I will write about it either in my Lies Well Disguisedcolumn on gawker, or maybe as a monthly roundup here. Send to copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com Confidentiality Guaranteed. (image via getty.)UPDATE: I've gotten about a dozen tips. Next week, I'll publish the best of the first round.