Exhale and hearty

US soldiers may learn new de-stressing techniques. But we have expertise for their enemies also.

We've been racking our brains over how to make ourselves more relevant in theatres of conflict where the Americans have been engaged for some time now. Now perhaps we won't have to put up with the American 'don't call us, we'll call you' attitude. A University of Pennsylvania study has been examining the effects of meditation on post-traumatic stress disorders among soldiers in Iraq. The technique based on mindfulness is aimed at finding peace within and clarity to see that you are not the thoughts that bind you and so on.

Now this sounds like a piece of cake given our expertise in the field. But we'd like to go one further. Not only would we like to impart our de-stressing techniques to soldiers, we would also like to involve the other side, the fundamentalists. Imagine the scenario if a potential suicide bomber were to practise, say Baba Ramdev's breathing methods. A couple of deep inhalations and exhalations and it is likely that the abdominal activity will result in the bomb's wires becoming loose. Even Osho's teachings could be wheeled out. With all that loving being advocated, it will be while before old Ahmed has time to pop around and ambush the nearest humvee or for that matter, GI Mike to round up the usual suspects. Many of our desi techniques could also lull the enemy's suspicions. "Ahmed, what is that buzzing sound I hear? Could it be an oncoming drone?" "No, Sheikh, that is just the morning yoga class practising its collective om." Before you can say Jack Robinson, you're on the militants and om becomes kaboom.

For those who might want a taste of these methods, let it be known that it will come with a price. And merchandise. But let us assure you, the results will take your breath away.