Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Goodbye and good riddance

And there it is, finally.

Huckabee has finally come to understand something - God is not going to part the political sea and just let him and his horde of baboon-assed supporters stroll into the Promised Land. There isn't going to be any divine intervention for the man who majored in miracles - turns out he should have studied math after all.

I guess God thinks Huckabee and his friends are as big of assholes as I do.

Anybody else would have figured this out, say about seven months ago - when God stopped returning his phone calls.

Ring RingPearly Gates switchboard: "Hello! You've reached Heaven. All of our angelic operators are busy at the moment with other penitents, but your call is important to Him. Please stay on the line, and one of the Host will be with you before the End Times!"Gospel MusicHuck: "Oh, come on!"Pearly Gates switchboard: "Please continue to hold. If this is an emergency, press 'star' now, and your call will be redirected."Huck: "Hell yeah this is an emergency. McCain's got a 50 point lead on me."Pearly Gates switchboard: "Please listen carefully: press '1' to Smite the Sinners, press '2' for Divine Intervention, press '3' if you're having trouble with Pharaohs or other Middle Eastern rulers or if you require assistance with biblical plagues, press '4' to donate to the Creation Science fund, Press '5' for the Tigers to win the World Series, or Press '0' to speak to an Archangel."Huck: "Tigers win the...? Oh, yeah, like that's gonna happen, get thou behind me, Satan. OK, zero for the operator."Gospel Music...click...St. Peter: "Hi, thanks for holding. This is Pete, how can I help you?"Huck: "I thought I was supposed to get an Archangel."St. Peter: "Sorry, they had a 8AM tee time today with Obama, so I'm filling in. What can I do for you?"Huck: "Look I need to speak to the big guy."St. Peter: "He's, uh, out of the office at the moment."Huck: "Don't give me the runaround! I know he's there. He's everywhere. He's omnipotent!"St. Peter: "He's potent all right. He's been buying Viagra in bulk from Canada."Huck: "What?"St. Peter: "Sorry, that's a little inside joke."Huck: "Look, you gonna let me talk to him or what?"St. Peter: "Sorry, he's flooding Bangladesh at the moment. Leave a message, I'll have him call you back."Huck: "I have been leaving messages, nobody returns my calls!"St. Peter: "Yeah, you'd think somebody would get a clue by now, wouldn't you? Mote, eye, and all that."Huck: "What?"St. Peter: "Nothing. Did you want to leave a message?"Huck: "Well, what about the Holy Ghost? Is he around?"St. Peter: "Hmmm, nope. Sorry."Huck: "Look I'm desperate here! I'll take the kid, is he available?"St. Peter: "Sorry, Jesus is out of the office at the moment."Huck: "Where's he at?"St. Peter: "He's at a Gay Pride parade in San Fransisco this morning. Then he'll probably get a sourdough bread bowl of chowder - loaves and fishes you know. After that, who knows? His schedule is kind of open ended."Huck: "Well, hell!"St. Peter: "That I can do, please wait while I connect your call..."

What kills me here is the pundits talking about Huckabee as McCain's running mate. They seem to think that McCain is going to need Huck to pull in the Evangelical vote, since McCain is just a little too liberal for conservative Christians. Hah, you kidding me? Seriously?

Let's just take a look at the alternatives, shall we? We've got a white woman, who sets the conservatives to quaking in their Sunday shoes. They get cold sweats just thinking about Hillary Clinton in the White House. Poor people might get some health care, for crying out loud. And for damned sure we'll all burn in the fires of eternal damnation if we start taking orders from a woman. Or, we've got a black man, which is bad enough, but worse he's a Muslim! OK, he's not really, but he's been around Muslims and conservatives know that Jesus be hating the Islam and Obama's got the stink all over himself. They'd vote for Cannibal Hitler's Head in Jar in order to keep him out of the White House. Then there's Nader, who'll take away our pickup trucks and replace them them with pig-fart 'lectric cars, and replace our BarBEEque with toferky or something equally ungodly. Yeah, get the shotgun, Ma, we're going to Warshington!

You know what will happen if McCain doesn't tap Huck for VP? Nothing. That's what. Not a goddamned thing. Evangelicals will line up to vote for Johnny Boy because he's all they've got left. And they'll do it with an angry little frowns, clutching their bibles tightly, smug in their self-righteous conviction that at least they're keeping a woman and a Muslim and tree-hugging hippy out of the White House.

12 comments:

I'd even say the statement "McCain doesn't need Huckabee" is true in the positive sense, not just the negative: he actively doesn't need Huckabee.

Because, as you say, a big chunk of Huckabee's base will hold their noses and vote for McCain, especially if he's running against Clinton. But few of the independents that McCain may need to win (especially if he's running against Obama) are going to put Huckabee a heartbeat from the presidency. As the cliche goes, McCain needs Huckabee like he needs a hole in his head.

At least that's my take on it. But I haven't picked a winner in... what the hell, I can't even remember if I actually even voted in '96. So what the hell do I know? Given my track record, I won't be that shocked if this election season somehow ends with Huckabee in the White House and me building a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.

Not that I actually want McCain to win, but of all the candidates the GOP fielded this year, he's the only one I think would make a relatively decent president.

Huckabee gives me the freakin' screaming whillies. And I'm glad to see him go, finally. Now, if he'll just go crawl back into the donation plate and stay away from the VP slot I'll be happy.

However, you'll notice he's backed off on his anti-McCain rhetoric these last couple of months, starting about the time it became apparent that the only states he was going to win was Kansas and the other backward-ass anti-science states. Me thinks he's angling for that VP slot, and you can be sure there's been some major finagling going on between his camp and McCain's. I'm hoping McCain tells him to take a fucking hike.

First off, I don't see any chance of McCain thinking that Huckletree is a good idea for a running mate. I think we're going to see him stop pandering so much. The nomination is his and he can tell a lot of people to fuck off now. Because the folks who are going to vote for him are pretty much decided already and those who are going to vote against the Democrat are just waiting to see which AntiChrist gets nominated. I don't see Nader getting any real attention this time around.

You know what? I really like Obama. I'd be perfectly happy with Clinton. I think a McCain Administration would, at least bring integrity back to the office.

First off, I don't see any chance of McCain thinking that Huckletree is a good idea for a running mate

True, but you know how this works. It's politics. McCain's got a certain say, but now that there's no doubt that he's the GOP candidate the party is going to be in the driver's seat - and a significant fraction of them are pushing for Huck as VP. Deals are going to get made, compromises struck - and they need the votes, a lot of votes, if they're going to overcome the Bush Republican legacy and the predictable shift toward the Dems this time around.

McCain's got a certain say, but now that there's no doubt that he's the GOP candidate the party is going to be in the driver's seat

Those are precisely the people he's going to finally start telling to fuck off. What are they gonna do? Threaten to vote for Hilary? McCain's in a pretty solid position to dictate terms and there isn't fuck-all the party can really do about it.

May I thank you for a belly laugh on a generally grumpy day? The thought of Huckabee in a national office gives me the screaming meemies. Please let McCain tell him to go take a flying f*ck at a rolling donut...

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Jim Wright is a retired US Navy Chief Warrant Officer and freelance writer. He lived longer in Alaska than anywhere else and misses it terribly. He recently moved to the fetid Panhandle of Florida and lives now in an ancient Cold War bunker of a house surrounded by alligators and rednecks. He's been called the Tool of Satan, but he prefers to think of himself as the Devil's Designated Driver. He is the mind behind Stonekettle Station. You can email him at jim@stonekettle.com. You can follow him on Twitter @stonekettle, or you can join the boisterous bunch he hosts on Facebook at Facebook/Stonekettle. Remember to bring brownies and mind the white cat, he bites. Hard.

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