Sheltering Our Children

Where do we draw the line between allowing a child to experience difficult situations and excessive hurt?

We all want our children to grow up to be resilient, independent individuals, able to confront challenging situations and difficult people. But where do we draw the line between leaving a child to fend for him or herself, albeit occasionally with some guidance, and sheltering the child under a parental wing?

Recently Esther, a close friend of mine, made a fundamental decision regarding her daughter’s education — one that addressed this conflict and gave me insight about where I stand as a parent.

Esther’s daughter had been going to a local Jewish nursery school since she turned two. The teachers and staff were kind and supportive and the classmates were, for the most part, friendly and inclusive.

The changes started to occur during her daughter’s pre-K year. The year began uneventfully. Her husband for the most part gave her positive reports of the morning drop-offs. The only notable change from previous years was that her daughter never seemed to attach herself to any child upon arrival into the classroom. No one reached out to include her; the teacher left her daughter to make her own way.

Esther would tell me of accounts that her daughter began to come home with of upsetting incidents that occurred at school. “I did not have a good day,” her daughter would say. “Yaacov pushed me and he didn’t say I’m sorry.”

Then the classmate criticisms extended to her daughter’s lunches. “Mommy, don’t pack me bread and butter anymore. Michaela and Rivka say that it’s gross and they tell others not to sit at my table.”

Esther and I chalked it up to a childhood growing experience. After all, we reasoned, her daughter needed to learn how to advocate for herself and tell the teacher if something was bothersome. Also, Esther noted, it did not seem to bother her daughter fundamentally. Her daughter went to bed well and never refused to go to school in the morning. She was even called for play dates.

But the reports of the biting comments continued. During what was supposed to be a soothing nighttime bath, her daughter revealed that, “Sarah said that if I eat my dessert first she won’t invite me to her birthday party.”

Esther would have endless talks with her daughter trying to bolster her self-confidence and practice effective responses in such situations. She expressed a nagging worry that her daughter was continually being exposed to criticism by her peers—at the ripe age of four. But she still rationalized these experiences saying, “My daughter has to learn that children will not always be nice. She has to develop the skills to respond to the challenges.”

Esther made the teachers aware of the situation, to no avail. Her daughter was beginning to withdraw in her interactions with other children. .

One night, she called me, triumphant. “I did it. I pulled her out of the school.”

I was shocked. Shouldn’t her daughter stay, if only to grow from these occurrences?

I was shocked. Yes her daughter did seem to be having a difficult time, but I did not know if it warranted such a drastic decision. Shouldn’t her daughter stay, if only to grow from these occurrences?

Then Esther told me what had been the final straw. She was listening in on a conversation that her daughter was having with a little boy around her age. The boy was talking excitedly about a neat truck he had seen. Her daughter responded with what was presumably most on her mind:

“Pinny at school said that I’m not his friend.”

“At my daughter’s age, her thoughts and conversations should be about how high her Abba pushed her on a swing or her favorite doll, not about her latest social ostracism. I didn’t realize how much these assaults were affecting her until then.”

I started to see her point.

“I realized I did not have to send her into a potentially caustic environment,” Esther concluded. “It was doing her more harm than good.”

As a parent, I have received varying perspectives from family, friends, and society on how one should expose one’s child to reality. Most of these messages involve how I must help my young children learn to cope through adversity to get them ready for the harsh challenges of the “outside world.” Sheltering one’s child or providing something akin to a “band aid” is considered a parental error at best and a damaging transgression at worst.

Childhood is life, not merely the preparation for life.

I think this perspective reflects a fundamental error in our raising our children. We forget that childhood is life, not merely the preparation for life. The personal integrity of all beings, even the very smallest, demands that they be spared pain and hardship to the greatest possible extent.

Yes, it is important to allow one’s child to experience and handle difficult situations to learn important life lessons. But when does lesson learning turn into excessive hurt and suffering?

The answer is a function of the extent of the hardship, and the individual child’s ability to process the circumstances.

I remember being teased in nursery school by two little girls who wore all the latest pink, frilly styles. I was mortified by my blue, boyish Osh Kosh B’Gosh pants, and the girls’ continued cliquishness and unfriendly behavior did not help my self-esteem. The adults surrounding me assured me that I was adorable with what I was already wearing, and that I did not need the approval of those girls to feel good about myself. But at the age of four, all I understood was that my blue jeans were ugly and that I was profoundly unhappy. I could not yet assimilate my prolonged uncomfortable experiences as being something other than a consequence of something that was wrong with me. These painful memories contributed to lowered self-esteem during my school years.

As parents we cannot assume that every challenge will be beneficial in strengthening our children’s abilities to cope. For many children, a blow will simply hurt.

Esther’s daughter left that nursery school and is currently thriving in a smaller environment which allows the teachers to be aware of every student at any given part of the day. The school also has a strong focus on helping children learn how to have healthy social interactions.

In a child’s turbulent and unpredictable life, sometimes a safe shelter is just what he or she needs to weather the storm.

*Names and minor details have been changed to protect the parties involved.

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About the Author

Hilary Spirer Leeder is a writer and a guidance counselor at the Torah School in Silver Spring, Maryland. Her articles have appeared in a number of publications. An essay was featured in the book Everyone’s Got a Story, published by Judaica Press. Mrs. Leeder obtained an MSW degree from NYU and a BA degree in film from Columbia University. She lives with her husband and children in Silver Spring, Maryland.

Visitor Comments: 10

(9)
Anonymous,
July 5, 2011 5:43 AM

Sheltering our teenagers

What about teenagers? Where do we draw the line between allowing our teens or even our daughters to experience difficult situations and excessive hurt? What other ways can I do when my daughter is already have a boyfriend which is not of the same belief? I keep on reminding her but still insist on having a relationship with a unbelievers. Please help me I don't know what to do. Thank you
Sincerely,
Cecilia

(8)
Myra bS,
July 1, 2011 12:59 AM

the artical is great

Very good lesson for parents to take from.

(7)
Tehila,
June 28, 2011 3:23 PM

Homeschooling

I experienced some of these painful "life lessons" with my daughters. Since I had no other alternatives, we decided we would homeschool. We have never looked back. Homeschooling has been the best thing for our family, and my daughters are thriving. We belong to many homeschooling groups, and my girls get to socialize and go on fieldtrips, w other hmschooled children. As an added bonus, I have the privilege to be there for all their milestones. It has also enabled us to have more time reading and discussing Torah.

Rivkah,
July 5, 2011 7:12 PM

agreed.

People in Israel are MORTIFIED when they hear that my 1.5, 4.5 and 6 year old are not in "school" (read: daycare/kindergarden) I have heard the worst critizims of my parenting including those mentioned int he article. Our yishuv even sent a committee to threaten me to have my oldest in gan..."or else." I was told that I was destroying the fabric of our society and I was told that "if it is good enough for our children, it is good enough for yours. Are you making a judgement call on our children? If you don't want your children to be like ours, why do you live here." We are continuing homeschooling, regardless.

(6)
Alan S.,
June 27, 2011 12:17 PM

Excellent....

This is a well thought out article, and should be "required reading" for parents. Many adult social issues are the result of school related peer traumas. It is true that parents can't protect their child from every slight. But the parent should always properly advocate for the child whether or not the child can take care of themselves or whether or not the situation is a learning one, if for no better reason that the child must know that the parent is "there for them".

(5)
Anonymous,
June 27, 2011 3:15 AM

sheltering children

This article is so balanced. How I wish I would have read this when I was a young mother. We see our grown children making the same mistakes we made. We are suppose to protect our little ones...they don't have the maturity to handle the bully or the rejection when they are so small.

(4)
Anonymous,
June 26, 2011 11:30 PM

I think, as parents, the difference is between exposing our kids to physical effort (like homework and chores) vs. emotional hardship (like social problems). It's true that parents need to let kids deal with physical effort because protecting them from that will only make them helpless later. But if our kids are going to develop emotional strength, there has to be some protection from that kind of harm. Plus, Esther's daughter will probably grow up stronger and more confident knowing that her mother would step in and help her. Not to mention that the behavior of the other children was completely wrong and should be dealt with before the problems get even bigger.

(3)
TMay,
June 26, 2011 7:28 PM

traditional family

I don't remember that sort of thing because I stayed home with my mother and siblings until kindergarten.
I know a woman who says she protects her child from unnecessary hurtful experiences but not from life.
I know other women who seem to be too protective of their children and try to protect them from life.
When one knows the story of Buddha you know that his whole life was affected by his father's attempt to protect him from life.
So was that a good thing or a bad thing?

(2)
Natalie,
June 26, 2011 3:52 PM

good for you Esther

I am in my 50s yet still remember the pain of the nasty comments made to me. When my parents took my older sister out the school for academic reasons and said I could stay I jumped at the chance of leaving. Sadly this was a (non religious) Jewish day school and I went to a government school where I was as happy as can be. A friend's daughter just got engaged to a hectic religious Christian, and I directly blame the bullying she received from the girls at the same Jewish day school that I went to so many years ago, that absolutely turned her off Judaism. When she got engaged I asked my (not yet religious) friend if she had been bullied at school and when she said yes I sadly thought, yup, this is the result. So parents!!!! Act decisively and dont think your child must become thick skinned, this can ruin her for life. Well done Esther for not leaving it.

(1)
Anonymous,
June 26, 2011 1:42 PM

The parent did absolutely the right thing

I, too, had almost the exact same situation with my daughter in elementary school. She was ostracized by the other girls. She was a sweet, kind, considerate girl and was not savvy with the "in crowd". I spoke to the teachers, principal and guidance counselor/social worker. The social worker had meetings and sessions with the other children in the class who were treating my daughter badly. Nothing changed. I kept trying to help my daughter cope. Finally, one day the guidance counselor pulled me aside and told me that the situation was impossible and no matter how she tried, the children continued with their comments and taunts while excluding my daughter. She told me that my daughter doesn't deserve to be treated badly and that I must find another school for her. The guidance counselor told me that I will definitely find one and it will be good. I did find one and it made all the difference for my daughter. The only regret I have is that I waited too long. There is no reason to put any child through this type of situation. It's so awful to see a little girl so upset, coming home crying everyday with descriptions of the meanness of other children. This is mistreatment of another person, not a lesson in how to cope with life. No one should have to be put through that. I am glad that Esther took action quickly (at least more quickly than I did). Her daughter is blessed with a wonderful mother.

I'm told that it's a mitzvah to become intoxicated on Purim. This puzzles me, because to my understanding, it is not considered a good thing to become intoxicated, period.

One of the characteristics of the at-risk youth is their use of drugs, including alcohol. In my experience, getting drunk doesn't reveal secrets. It makes people act stupid and irresponsible, doing things they would never do if they were sober. Also, I know a lot about the horrible health effects of abusing alcohol, because I work at a research center that focuses on addiction and substance abuse.

Also, I am an alcoholic, which means that if I drink, very bad things happen. I have not had a drink in 22 years, and I have no intention of starting now. Surely there must be instances where a person is excused from the obligation to drink. I don't see how Judaism could ever promote the idea of getting drunk. It just doesn't seem right.

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Putting aside for a moment all the spiritual and philosophical reasons for getting drunk on Purim, this remains an issue of common sense. Of course, teenagers should be warned of the dangers of acute alcohol ingestion. Of course, nobody should drink and drive. Of course, nobody should become so drunk to the point of negligence in performing mitzvot. And of course, a recovering alcoholic should not partake of alcohol on Purim.

Indeed, the Code of Jewish Law explicitly says that if one suspects the drinking may affect him negatively, then he should NOT drink.

Getting drunk on Purim is actually one of the most difficult mitzvot to do correctly. A person should only drink if it will lead to positive spiritual results - e.g. under the loosening affect of the alcohol, greater awareness will surface of the love for God and Torah found deep in the heart. (Perhaps if we were on a higher spiritual level, we wouldn't need to get drunk!)

Yet the Talmud still speaks of an obligation on Purim of "not knowing the difference between Blessed is Mordechai and Cursed is Haman." How then should a person who doesn't drink get the point of “not knowing”? Simple - just go to sleep! (Rama - OC 695:2)

All this applies to individuals. But the question remains - does drinking on Purim adversely affect the collective social health of the Jewish community?

The aversion to alcoholism is engrained into Jewish consciousness from a number of Biblical and Talmudic sources. There are the rebuking words of prophets - Isaiah 28:1, Hosea 3:1 with Rashi, and Amos 6:6, and the Zohar says that "The wicked stray after wine" (Midrash Ne'alam Parshat Vayera).

It is well known that the rate of alcoholism among Jews has historically been very low. Numerous medical, psychological and sociological studies have confirmed this. The connection between Judaism and sobriety is so evident, that the following conversation is reported by Lawrence Kelemen in "Permission to Receive":

When Dr. Mark Keller, editor of the Quarterly Journal of Studies on Alcohol, commented that "practically all Jews do drink, and yet all the world knows that Jews hardly ever become alcoholics," his colleague, Dr. Howard Haggard, director of Yale's Laboratory of Applied Physiology, jokingly proposed converting alcoholics to the Jewish religion in order to immerse them in a culture with healthy attitudes toward drinking!

Perhaps we could suggest that it is precisely because of the use of alcohol in traditional ceremonies (Kiddush, Bris, Purim, etc.), that Jews experience such low rates of alcoholism. This ceremonial usage may actually act like an inoculation - i.e. injecting a safe amount that keeps the disease away.

Of course, as we said earlier, all this needs to be monitored with good common sense. Yet in my personal experience - having been in the company of Torah scholars who were totally drunk on Purim - they acted with extreme gentleness and joy. Amid the Jewish songs and beautiful words of Torah, every year the event is, for me, very special.

Adar 12 marks the dedication of Herod's renovations on the second Holy Temple in Jerusalem in 11 BCE. Herod was king of Judea in the first century BCE who constructed grand projects like the fortresses at Masada and Herodium, the city of Caesarea, and fortifications around the old city of Jerusalem. The most ambitious of Herod's projects was the re-building of the Temple, which was in disrepair after standing over 300 years. Herod's renovations included a huge man-made platform that remains today the largest man-made platform in the world. It took 10,000 men 10 years just to build the retaining walls around the Temple Mount; the Western Wall that we know today is part of that retaining wall. The Temple itself was a phenomenal site, covered in gold and marble. As the Talmud says, "He who has not seen Herod's building, has never in his life seen a truly grand building."

Some people gauge the value of themselves by what they own. But in reality, the entire concept of ownership of possessions is based on an illusion. When you obtain a material object, it does not become part of you. Ownership is merely your right to use specific objects whenever you wish.

How unfortunate is the person who has an ambition to cleave to something impossible to cleave to! Such a person will not obtain what he desires and will experience suffering.

Fortunate is the person whose ambition it is to acquire personal growth that is independent of external factors. Such a person will lead a happy and rewarding life.

With exercising patience you could have saved yourself 400 zuzim (Berachos 20a).

This Talmudic proverb arose from a case where someone was fined 400 zuzim because he acted in undue haste and insulted some one.

I was once pulling into a parking lot. Since I was a bit late for an important appointment, I was terribly annoyed that the lead car in the procession was creeping at a snail's pace. The driver immediately in front of me was showing his impatience by sounding his horn. In my aggravation, I wanted to join him, but I saw no real purpose in adding to the cacophony.

When the lead driver finally pulled into a parking space, I saw a wheelchair symbol on his rear license plate. He was handicapped and was obviously in need of the nearest parking space. I felt bad that I had harbored such hostile feelings about him, but was gratified that I had not sounded my horn, because then I would really have felt guilty for my lack of consideration.

This incident has helped me to delay my reactions to other frustrating situations until I have more time to evaluate all the circumstances. My motives do not stem from lofty principles, but from my desire to avoid having to feel guilt and remorse for having been foolish or inconsiderate.

Today I shall...

try to withhold impulsive reaction, bearing in mind that a hasty act performed without full knowledge of all the circumstances may cause me much distress.

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