How to Address Bad Dress Sense in a Wedding Speech

(February 2017)

Weddings provide the perfect opportunity for even the most casually-minded folks to tart themselves up and dress to impress. However, unfortunately not everyone gets the memo when it comes to formal attire, and sometimes this even includes the people taking part!

With the suits and dresses being such a big part of every wedding day, it seems foolish not to mention them in the speech, but as always, you'll need to straddle a fine line between cheeky chappie and rude git. You should know by now that remarks about the ladies are firmly off limits, but the men are pretty much fair game. If the suits are all from Topman or the Father of the Bride wears the same outfit to every occasion, don't be afraid to take a few pot-shots their way.

"There's a tired old joke about kilts being like a wedding speech, because they're supposed to be short enough to keep it interesting but long enough to cover the important bits. But I think speeches should be more like Jack's underpants - dirty, grubby, and full of embarrassment."

"Don't get me wrong, I like the suits, it's just… this is a bloody wedding, Dan. Grandma's funeral was six years ago."

This next joke may also work well in the hands of a Best Man making reference to the Bride, the mother or indeed any female member of the audience:

"I've had a few compliments on my suit today, but if I'm honest, this was a panic purchase. I had to change last minute because SOMEONE turned up in the exact same outfit as me, didn't they HELEN?"

As we've already said, jokes about the appearance of the bride, the mother or the bridesmaids are never acceptable. I don't care how bolshie or confident they are, a wedding day is not the time for your sassy little quip about bingo wings. However, while you can't mock their appearance, you can joke indirectly about them. Perhaps the bridal dress was more expensive than Brexit? Maybe the bridesmaids remind you of a particularly crap pop group? So long as it's not derogatory to the ladies, you should be alright:

"Wedding dresses are a lot like gym memberships; it doesn't matter how much you spend, you'll only use it once, and they're tough to get out of."

"The bridesmaids look resplendent of course in those lovely purple numbers. You look like four of my favourite Quality Streets all in a row. Whereas the Groomsmen… they're the empty wrappers some git left in the tin."

The wedding party isn't the only source of humour you can draw upon, because you can guarantee that at least one person in the audience will turn up looking like microwaved shite. Of course, you may want to dispatch such a comment a tad more eloquently than that, but it's always handy to have a few ready-made quips to hand just in case someone does arrive looking like a right trog:

"I'd like to take this moment to thank you all for making such a fine effort, not just in coming but also in your appearance. You all look magnificent, even Liam, despite him turning up dressed like a Bosnian war criminal on trial at the Hague."

"Oh, and in case anyone's wondering…. no, today's wedding doesn't have an origami theme. Tom's just a lazy bastard who forgot to iron his shirt."

"It's considered impolite for a lady to turn up to a wedding looking better than the bride, and as good as you all look I'm happy to say no-one's succeeded. Conversely, it's fine for men to turn up looking better than the Groom, and in John's (groom) case it's expected."

As well as joking about what people look like on the wedding day, it's also good to relate tales from times gone by which illustrate the reputations of the newlyweds. Is the groom usually a bit of a flashy Dan? Maybe the bride is a total tomboy and getting her in a dress was like forcing a cat into a box to take it to the vets. Play on their personalities in a charming, affable way, and you'll add another dimension to the usual slate of wedding insults:

"Tim's done a great job picking these suits, hasn't he? He's made me look far more dapper than I actually am. Although, now I'm stood up, I think maybe we've picked up each other's this morning by mistake. Mine feels loose around the waist, but very tight around the arms (flex) and crotch."

"You may have caught Ciaran checking himself out in the hotel's various mirrors this morning, making sure his Armani suit is neat and crisp and that there's not a hair out of place. He likes to keep tabs on how handsome he is at least ten times a day. Some would call this vain - I'd call it a vivid imagination."

"Ally looks amazing today, but with her tomboy reputation, I'm half surprised she's not turned up in a suit. At the very least she's probably got a pair of GI Joe boxers on under there."

Last but by no means least, there are plenty of general jokes about wedding attire which you can make that don't really fit into one particular category. Don't ever feel as though you have to limit yourself to the types of humour we've mentioned in this article, though, because as long as it's funny, as long as it's fair and as long as it fits, you can joke about literally anything you like:

"Because I was focused on making sure Georgina had everything she wanted, I forgot to budget for my own wedding suit. You're lucky I haven't turned up naked today! Anyway, to keep costs down, I got this outfit off the peg… that'll teach next door to take their washing in at night."