Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

Is it ever valid to cheat?

I am trying to understand how someone can betray another by cheating and not feel remorse or regret? do they really feel like it is valid when they have sex with someone other than thier spouse? Ya, maybe I was in a deep depression and I wasn't able to give to him emotionally or sexually....but does that really give him the go ahead to sleep with someone else.? I just don't understand how this can happen between two people who are supposed to love eachother...who have 3 young kids together...who each made vows to? Is there something missing in this persons brain makeup that this can be justified? My husband has come forward with the truth about the affair(1 month ago) however he has not told me how sorry he is and he hasn't begged me to take him back.He is actually the one who decided to move out> It's almost like "this" has happened to him. LIke he is the victim. The tables are turned here and I am wondering why I continue to love him and give him space. Who is the victim here?

You didn't cheat. You're the victim. It was his choice to do what he did. That vow &quot;For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health...forsaking all others until death do us part...&quot; is not thought of much anymore. Marriages have rocky points. People get sick. People get depressed. Marriage is not a fairy tale where everything is perfect and our needs are always met. But, that doesn't give someone the ticket to get their sexual needs met elsewhere. He should have talked to you about it. At the very least, he should have had the balls to leave you before starting an affair. Bless his little heart. He's not a victim. He's a selfish little bastard who chose to ignore his marriage vows to you in many ways.

It sounds like your husband is blaming you for the affair. Don't buy into it. There are other ways to cope besides unzipping your pants. He bears full responsibility for his bad choices. If he doesn't want to come home, he's probably still seeing the other woman...or someone else. How is he with the kids? Does he at least come to see them?

It's perfectly OK to still love him. You can't turn your feelings on and off. Giving him space is a good way to handle this too. If you want him to come home though, I would go a step further. Act like he doesn't exist. No calls, no emails...no contact with him unless absolutely necessary. Focus on you and the kids. Get a manicure/pedicure/massage, go out with friends, take a vacation, etc... Have you brought up the subject of divorce with him? This might be a good time to broach that subject. Let him know that the longer he stays away, the more likely it is that your marriage will end. This period of no contact will be difficult for you but, there is something about the betrayed spouse appearing to move on with their lives that gets under the skin of the cheater. If he knows you're just sitting there waiting for him to come back then he'll take his sweet time deciding what he wants to do. If he sees you moving on with your life, it may just wake him up.

I read about this tactic in one of my infidelity books so I'm not just making this up. If he does decide to come back home, it will absolutely have to be conditioned on him having absolutely no contact with the person he cheated with.

To peacemaker,
I will have to disagree with you about cutting him off/out of my life. That is exactly what drove him to another woman. I was in a deep depression after my brother died and in my greif state I completely shut him out emotionally and sexually. I was not there for him at all. So for me to continue to do that even after the affair seems counterproductive. It would seem that is what he would expect me to do. I am trying to put love first and give love. It seems like the &quot;right thing to do&quot; in my circumstances. I am not saying this has been easy to do. It hasn't. But I do not want cutoff I want love in my life.
Maybe I am a fool, but I want to be proactive and do the right thing.
Whether he &quot;wakes up&quot; and wants t be in relationship with me again is out of my control. The only control I have is the choice to be a more loving and giving person, which at the end of the day feels good(most of the time). Still struggling...but doing the best that Ican.

I understand your point but why would you think that anything you did &quot;drove him to another woman&quot;? That is a choice he made on his own. You did not drive him to do anything. Handle this as you see fit but you need to not blame yourself for what he did.

Rather than pulling away from you and running into the arms of someone else, he should have been focusing his energy on supporting you and getting you help if your depression was that severe. He could have even gone into counseling himself if you were unwilling to face your depression and what was going on in the relationship. There are so many other options besides cheating. I don't know how long you have been dealing with this issue but I firmly believe that his playing the victim and not being remorseful should not be tolerated under any circumstances. His anger at you may be justified but he has to own his part in all this. YOU DID NOT MAKE HIM CHEAT!

Being proactive, loving, and giving is appropriate in some situations but I don't think your husband deserves that at this point. I think a lot of your reaction to this situation is your way of handling the feelings of guilt for your contribution to the situation and he is using that to his advantage.

You're not a fool. I do understand why you are taking the approach that you are. I hope your strategy works and he comes around.

He isn't the victim u are and don't u go thinking that he is. He is the one who did not honor his vows,and stepping up and admitting it was a big step for a cheater becuse cheater usually try very hard not to get ccaught but, what they fail to reliev is that while they think that there needs are not getting met a home there is more to it and that a under lying problem within that person,and most cheaters think that oh this is something new andfresh she or he won't nag,won't argue and fight,and they are just running into a bigger prob;em then they already had at home.Instead of talking they decide that that will make then fill better but it doesn't so there consious comes into play and starts eating at them for the wrong that they have done and then comes the pain part the look from your spouse or significant other of disapointment,rage,tears,hatered etc. so he might fill guilty and is trying to work on himself but for sure u are not the victim I'm here if u need me

There is no excuse for cheating. Those who do are only thinking of themselves, not those whose lifes they devastate. Several people have shown up on this site who have cheated and obviously are proud of that fact. They justify ripping our hearts out by blaming us for everything wrong with our marriages. They listen to the lies the other adulterer tells them and throw morals out the window.
Why do some of us say no to cheating? Because we took our vows seriously. So no matter what poison these people spew to justify what they did, remember that we are the walking wounded.
Yes, marriages can be repaired after an affair. And that's great for those that do. But seeing some of the recent posts from cheaters confirm to me that there are tons of people out there without morals or consciences.
So please don't beat yourself up. You are the victim. Hold your head high. He has no remorse and you need to take care of your children.

It sounds like you are blaming yourself to me. dont let that happen. It is not your fault at all. I also think we will never understand why our &quot;soul mates&quot; cheat.I try to believe that they have no soul,no conscinse, no feelings nothing.Its only about them.They try to turn the tables and blame us. we just have to remember that it is not our fault,we did the best that we could. Being a wife,mother,house keeper and all the rest is so very hard,they just dont realize it.What about our emoitional needs and wants, why is it all about them? I know my ex was never there to tell me wow honey, you look good today, or wow honey the laundry smells good or anything like that.It was always about him ,im going to play golf today, or im going to take the car to the car wash or im going to the casino, screw that allready. Its his fault. I learned I did the best that i could, and I know you did too.

First of all, the only victims here are you and your children. As someone recently dealing with this myself I firmly believe that. Were there things that I did that contributed to both of us being unhappy? yes...but you'll never get me to the point where I will take the responsibility for this choice of his. He could have been honest in counseling, he could have been honest with me and himself about what he was feeling, he could have done alot of things...INSTEAD, he chose to submerse himself in a group of people that fed every bullshit lie he told and fed him everything he wanted to hear. This slut had wanted him for months, and when she heard we were having problems, she was unrelenting. Do I ultimately blame him? YES,he was the one to make the vows to me. BUT as anyone who has read my posts knows, she STILL won't let it go. I don't understand how he could have done it either...how when we were going to counseling and I wanted to quit and he said no &quot;I love you, want to be with you, etc&quot; could he go and tell anyone what a bitch I am, how unhappy he is etc...He had AS which I admit, for the first time since we have known, I am thankful for in knowing that there was something more going on in his head. Was he completely vulnerable to this woman and her mother who yes encouraged her completely? YES...do right now I believe him and his remorse? Yes, but only based on his actions since it all happened. And I truly believe that for each of us, the actions and words the cheaters use after make all the difference in whether this was something out of character that they are truly remorseful for, or they are the person who like the line says &quot;once a cheater, always a cheater&quot;. My hubby has done all I asked and does appear completely remorseful, and never once has he blamed anyone other than himself for what HE did.
Please, don't ever doubt yourself, no one deserves this, and you deserve so much better for yourself and your children if he is not going to be sorry or willing to do what you need to heal your marriage.

Of course its not validto cheat...I just cant imagine why someone would choose to do something that would hurt their spouse so much.....It is much kinder to just divorce your spouse than it is to cheat on them...given the choice I would have prefered a divorce to the affair my wife had....cheating hurts people...simple as that and that isnt okay.

No, it is never right to cheat, ever! I was the cheater and even I can say that. I had a husband that was more than willing to allow me to sleep with another man and I still know it was wrong. Your husband should feel remorse and regret and if he doesn't then I would kick him out until he can learn how to regret what he did and learn to use every minute of every day in the future to make it up to you.

Something I've learned is that some people are born without a conscience. They know that what they're doing is wrong, but they could care less about what happens to the person they betray. In some cases, they don't care if the spouse or partner knows. The victim in all this is the person who was wronged. There is no valid reason for cheating. The only reason that would fly is if both parties were geniunely under the influence of drugs/alcohol and things got out of hand. But overall, there's no excuse for it.

I am still trying to cope with my husband age 60 cheatng with someone 40, not a knockout kind of woman, rather plain and known to sleep around. I know it is not valid, however, can one intellectize it and put it perspective to cope with it. He had a drinking problem and I threatened to leave many times, finally had the courage to up and move an hour away which I do not think he could believe I would actually do it. I wanted him to miss me and realize what is stood to lose and Icontinued contact, sex and everything with him for 2 mos, then he started getting angry on the phone, basically pushing me away and after about 2 mos of this I asked if he were seeing someone and he said yes, he had moved on since I moved and left him. I was blown away and never thought him capable of this or would not have moved as I trusted we could work on marriage being separated. He did lose his job, drank even more and was in a depression of his own, he knows what he did was wrong and just said drinking destroys you and your values, he broke it off and came to live with me and is the model man, has been patient and answered every graphic detail I can think to ask and from that I know it meant nothing but someone to boost his esteem and was very selfish to hurt me and even use the other woman even tho she knew he was married. So to any men out there as we women just do not think the same-is it UNDERSTANDABLE what he did, not valid but I have to think and try to put myself in the same position, but I can't because Iam not a drinker and can't think like that. But if I had hit rock bottom as he had-and was alone would I turn to someone just for the attention? I don't know-I don't think so because I am afraid of STD's which I had to go through testing at my age of 58 after being safe all these years because of his little escapade. He said he never thought of that either. God, men are dumb.

Gee, thanks. Is this attack the men day on the forum? Oh, and I also know that all people who are from the South are stupid. So, that's two strikes against me. I'm a man and I'm from AL. I'm doing quite well in my doctoral program. I guess I need to find some torn overalls and chew on a weed and just forget about my diction and spelling.

sorry for the comment, did not mean a personal one, was really thinking of my husband and his not using protection or think of getting a disease. I would appreciate any replies from a male point of view on why men do what they do.

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