Civilian who ‘loves our troops’ has never actually met a troops

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local man Kyle Jennings, who has a yellow ribbon bumper sticker and says he “loves our troops,” has never actually met someone who has served in the United States military.

“I think I saw a troops recruiting at my children’s high school once, but of course I would never consider letting my son join,” said Jennings. “We go to college in this family.”

In addition to the Army t-shirt he wears to the gym the three times a year that he exercises, Jennings shows his support for the troops by posting a thank you message on social media every Labor Day, Fourth of July, “or whatever that troops holiday is,” sources confirmed.

Some experts have written that the growing divide between the military and civilian populations is a major problem in American society. However, Pvt. Chad Worth disagrees. He says that without this divide the military would be exposed to too many “weak ass sheeple.”

“Civilians are all fucking pussies,” said Worth, who recently enlisted in the Marine Corps after a months-long struggle to pass his Initial Strength Test. “Bunch of lazy weaklings who would be eaten by the wolves if us sheepdogs didn’t protect them.”

While Jennings recognizes that the gap between the military and civilian world is real, he says it won’t stop him from pretending to stay informed on national security issues. After all, he added that the US owes a great deal of gratitude to “the brave men and women who defeated the al-Qaedas and ended the war in Iraq.”

“I saw this one troops in the bar the other day and wanted to thank him for his service, but he looked kind of mean with all his tattoos and stuff so I didn’t,” recounted Jennings. “He probably had PTSD or something.”

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A demobilized Mobile Infantryman currently serving as Chief Cryptozoologist for the State of Rhode Island, he specializes in growing mustaches, deadlifting in silkies, and picking fights with '90s-era wrestlers.