We (and I use the term “we” very, very loosely here) gathered and sorted off pairs yesterday. It was extremely windy and bitterly cold, and my chivalrous husband, Marlboro Man, tasked me with standing guard—out in the cold—in front of an open gate so the dry cows wouldn’t sneak through. Then he rode away on his horse, leaving me alone, desperate, and crying in the frigid temperature. I had to stay there for a good eight minutes, and the only relief I could find from the biting wind was to sit on the ground, using the cows around me as a wind break.

I kept getting lower and lower to shield myself from the wind, and while I was down there I thought it would be as good a time as any to demonstrate ballet positions.

Here’s First Position. The cows seem engaged and eager to learn.

Second Position. Ballet is all about proper turn-out.

Third Position. No self-respecting ballerina ever uses Third Position. It’s one of the dirty little secrets of the ballet world, and I’ve just blabbed it to all of you. But I’ve got to be honest.

Here’s Fourth Position. My right leg is a little spastic and isn’t turned out near enough, but what I discovered while lying on the ground among the cows is, it’s difficult to achieve fourth position while wearing snug jeans and cowboy boots. Lying on your back in a pasture of cows doesn’t make it easy, either.

This is Fifth position. Sort of. Ideally, the heel of my right foot should line up perfectly with the toe of my left foot, and vice versa. And my knee should not be bent at all. But again…I wasn’t exactly wearing the proper footwear. And besides, the cows don’t know the difference.

The cows turned out to be super-receptive to my instruction! It just goes to show you…all girls, at one time or another, secretly want to be ballerinas.

And another thing. When you lie on the ground in the middle of a bunch of cows, sooner or later a curious one will start to inch closer.

Well HELLO, little darlin’! Did you enjoy the ballet instruction today?

Just a warning about ballet, though: It’s really hell on your toenails.

Yeah. I thought so. Only a chosen few of us can handle the challenge.

Fun exercise: Say aloud, in a Jack Nicholson/A Few Good Men voice: “You can’t HANDLE the ballet!” It’ll make you smile.

Speaking of a few good men…dangit, there’s Marlboro Man and Josh. I think I’ll just lie here and be really quiet. If I’m lucky, maybe they won’t notice me.

Rebecca On Friday, January 11 at 7:53 am

Well, I must have checked your blog moments after you posted because there is not yet a comment. Although someone might beat me to it yet. From another former ballet dancer, well done on the positions in jeans and cowboy boots lying in a cow pasture. Any ballet teacher would be proud.

From one ballerina to another…I loved it! I love the fact that the cows just kept watching you…I wondering what exactly was going through their heads…and MM when he came up and you were laying there with your feet in all crazy postitions!

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Jenny Lynn On Friday, January 11 at 7:56 am

Ree…I think you had them at hello…er, I mean position #1. That one black cow seems to be trying position number 3, don’t you agree? She just needs to turn her toe, er her hoof, out a little more and she’s got it!

Becky in BG On Friday, January 11 at 7:57 am

You have been blessed with a wonderful sense of humor! Thanks for starting my day with a chuckle!

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Caralyn On Friday, January 11 at 8:00 am

Ree, weren’t you afraid that the cow would step on you?

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Becky On Friday, January 11 at 8:00 am

I just blew coffee out of my nose! Ree you are too much! Come to Wisconsin and have coffee with me! I promise it won’t be the stuff that just came up my nose.

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hana On Friday, January 11 at 8:00 am

Hey…I got second… that’s a first for me! I’ve been hoping for that or a honorable mention in one of the photo contests!

I remember lying on the ground and having my dog come up to me close like that cow …sniffing. Ree, do you boots smell like fritos or something else? LOL

I don’t think I’d be able to do cold flat on my back prairie pasture photography ballet. Nope…. you are a hardier gal than I am. It’s going to be in the upper sixties today and I am still wearing my flannel lined jeans… a little bulky but cozy for sure.

Karen C. On Friday, January 11 at 8:01 am

Ree-
On the bottom few I noticed a vignetting effect. Just wondering if it was shot that way, (maybe from the lens) or if you “added” that beautiful effect.

Elise

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Lauren On Friday, January 11 at 8:02 am

Ree,
Someone sent me a “funny” blog, but your picture was in it! They referenced you as Pioneer Woman, but still it was weird to see your senior picture as one of the funny ones. Go to http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/2007/09/great-olan-mills-photos.html and scroll down to the very last picture. BTW, some of the other pictures ARE quite funny!

Just started a new blog … I hope to be as DEDICATED as you – posting at least once a day (and I need NEED a good camera … I’ve been feeling the pain of flash for sometime and I never really KNEW why … thanks to you I know … and now I never want to use it again!)

The cows are great sports, aren’t they?

and charlie is adorable!

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Abbie On Friday, January 11 at 8:06 am

Can you please just post 87 times a day? I need more! Always more!

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Andrea On Friday, January 11 at 8:11 am

I love the Cow Ballet! They are so curious by nature and I’m sure they enjoyed your training.

I laughed and laughed at this!!!!
And JUST when you were ready to line them up and do a rehearsal of The Royal Winnipeg Ballet’s “Suite of July Mosquitos”, along come the men…who just don’t get ART!!!
At least the cows still respect you. But how are you going to pratice the pas de deux with 4 legged creatures?
Pas de quatre?

Too fun!! The more curious gal is quite beautiful! They seem to have perfect toenails for ballet, btw.

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Southern Gal On Friday, January 11 at 8:24 am

How creative! Being a former ballerina myself and with a ballerina daughter, I can really appreciate the limberness it took to do all those positions in jeans and cowboy boots on your back among cow poop (OK. I can’t relate to that part.), holding a camera AND taking photos all in frigid temperatures. Yeah, and what’s with third position???? Why even invent it if you aren’t going to use it?

I’m all the way into March 2007 with my catching up reading. So funny!

darla78 On Friday, January 11 at 8:25 am

REE ,
You are way too funny !!!
How did you explain how you got dirty in just a few minutes ?
Growing up on a dairy farm , we didn’t need to explain . Some of our best stunts , laughs and songs came out of working around the farm and animals .
KEEP doing what you’re doing . You are a riot !!!
Enjoy !!!
Darlene

bamagirl On Friday, January 11 at 8:29 am

Very funny and an interesting choice for a camera angle, not to mention photographer angle.

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Laura S On Friday, January 11 at 8:30 am

I love how you seem to have a little fun no matter what you’re doing. When I was growing up on a farm, I sure didn’t have fun when I was out working… Well, unless my brother was making a fool of himself.

The positions is the only thing that I ever learned from ballet since my parents pulled me out after one year. Darn it. I’m tall, thin, and have great natural turn out – what were they thinking? Of course, I am not THAT thin… but, who is?

I’m wondering if “Dance of the Bovine” could be as popular as “The Nutcracker” or “Coppelia”. Instead of “The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies”, we’d have “Dance of Castrated Calf Nuts”; instead of toe shoes and tu-tus, we’d have boots and chaps.

I think it’d knock out Irish Step for newest dance craze, yes?

Just a thought ;).

I thought you did pretty well with the positions in boots…but I STILL can’t believe you spilled about 3rd…tsk tsk.

#1 How can you lay down on the ground in the middle of unrestrained cows!!! I cringed… I burped up acid… I cried. Did you at least check for cow patties first?

#2 I was in ballet.

#3 I have some horrible memories of ballet starting with overhearing my parents discussing my clumsy and ungraceful ways and the DIRE need to do something about it. On the day of my first ballet class my mother had laid out my new ballet things on my bed. I couldn’t decide whether the tights went under or over… I chose over. My mother didn’t know because I put my other clothes on over them. When we got to the class everyone laughed at me. I was 6. I went and made things right in the bathroom but have never forgotten how humiliated I was. I took ballet for years but never got on point. I grew six inches in six months when I was 14. All the money spent to make me graceful was wasted as I lost all coordination and kept growing to my Amazon height of 5’11”. I am 41 and am clumsy and no one ever told me real ballerinas don’t use third position! And… and… I don’t even have a prairie to go lie in a cow pie in!!!

OH MY WORD!
You are a “stitch”!
(That’s southern for “hoot”.
Which is southern for “hysterical”
What I’m trying to say is “YOU are soooooo witty!)
~Mad(elyn) in Alabama
I love starting my day this way!

As a former ballet dancer and a former worker on a cattle farm, I’ve enjoyed this post more than any so far! But be aware, you may be in danger of being kicked out of the guild for blabbing the dirty secret of the uselessness of third position!

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Allie Hendricks On Friday, January 11 at 8:48 am

I absolutely love this. I miss our ballet lessons! and also… very true only the toughest of girls can take this kind of pain! I started again but miss you, by far, the most!

I am thoroughly impressed with your website – I was referred by Cathy Zielske (http://www.cathyzielske.typepad.com/). I just found a new daily favorite. Aaron is already salivating over the Marlboro Man sandwich. …and I’m already impatient waiting for the next installment of Black Heels to Tractor Wheels! As everyone here has told you – you have a great writing style with a wonderful sense of humor. I love it!

Oh, hurray for you, Ree. You just answered a question which has been bugging me for at least a year. Someone told me that if you go into a cow pasture and lay on the ground, the cows will not trample you. They will encircle you and stare at you. I have been trying to convince my daughter to lie down in a cow pasture ever since but the ungrateful wretch wouldn’t do it. Now she doesn’t have to! You rock, Ree!

I have to be honest here, I am DEATHLY afraid of cows. I would be crying and wishing for death if a cow came up to me for ANY reason. I have PTSD from childhood trauma – I visited a farm owned by a distant cousin, and made the mistake of standing next to a salt lick. Suddenly, the cows turned and the entire herd started trotting quickly towards me, and I was one terrified 7 year old. My father grabbed me up and lifted me over the fence, embarrassed that I was so hysterical.

Now, the only way I can stand to be in the actual presence of cows, is in the meat department of Kroger!! I know, I am a huge coward. Don’t tell anyone I fear cows. [I work for lawyers. They are actually more scary than cows…]

posting to the cow post to get the numbers up. . . nothing against Charlie of course, but it does bring out the worst cuteness comments of your readers and I wouldn’t want the overwhelming popularity of the cutesy postings to steer you towards favoring that genre.

Cute is fine in limited doses. Too much, though, and we enter the world of “Precious Moments”. Oh – please – no.

Ree, you have become my new calgon. As soon as I get to work each morning, my first thought is Ree take me away.
Does this mean that we will be enjoying the production of the Nutcracker this Christmas featuring Beatrice?

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ladybug On Friday, January 11 at 9:04 am

I love starting my day with an update from the PW.

In just a few short lessons you’ll have the most graceful cows anywhere!

To my untrained eye position three looked just like position one.

I think 0946 has a future in Swan Lake. She definitely looks determined to learn.

My best friend next door taught me those positions when we were little. She was skinny, an only child and well off and I was sturdy, one of five and poor so didn’t get ballet lessons. It’s a deep sadness to me still!
Love the cow pics so much. Almost as much as the horse pics.