oI had a dream last night where I suddenly was working in an office that I worked in years ago, and a friend (who actually left the company before I did) was for some reason working there again. I kept trying to talk to him, to tell him I was there, but I never was able to actually walk into his office and say hi. The first time I tried, I was overcome with intense tiredness and had to curl up for a nap. The second time, I suddenly needed to find a bathroom. The third time, I was pushed aside by a guy who had urgent business with my friend.

As all this happened, I simply couldn’t make myself do any work for the company. So I did the right thing… I quit the job and said goodbye to my coworkers, as I tried and failed to take a kitten with me. LOL!

And when I walked out of there, even though I was kitten-less, the feeling was indescribably amazing – the sun on my skin felt like more than sun, the breeze felt like more than mere wind; I felt intensely free as I stood alone and strong in a strange city full of possibilities.

What the dream means to me: that I am still following usual patterns, though I am far enough removed from them to recognize the patterns now. Still, I’m operating too much from the old rules. I need to quit them. They’re not working for me, and I’m expending my life’s energy on them, and in the process, wearing myself down.

It sounds so simple – to quit – but it is anything but easy. How does one quit an old perspective? Yes, let it go. But what does that mean? Try not to think about it? Or the opposite – thinking it completely through until it is understood, and then discarding it? Over the years, I’ve attempted both.

Using inspiration, I think what I need to do now is not think about it… but I need to do more too.

Instead of letting that life leave, I need to leave it, just like I did in the dream. And I do that by focusing on now and on the potential that exists right now for the future – and what a lot of potential there is! The power of it almost blows me away.

Thinking of love as it relates to connection, the first thing I wondered was: is love only seen or recognized or “measurable” when it is an active force? If it sits still, does nothing, is it really love? And is the active force of love, actually the active force of the divine? Love is God; God is Love?

Then I realized something profound:

Unless I am Love, it doesn’t matter that Love acts in the world around me. I will be forever removed from it because to make any connection, there must be two “live” ends – and the end in me must be active to truly experience the Love at the other end. In other words, to see the world as a living representation of the active force of Love, I too must be Love.

I created a mantra as I walked….

“I am Love. All this (all around me) is Love.”

The first time, and almost every time after, that I concentrated on this mantra, the world shifted for a few seconds, both looking and feeling different: intense, immediate, and far more vast. Colors became brighter, shadows deeper, and I could “feel” the power of my surroundings in my heart and radiating around my spine.

Then I came home and was immediately verbally attacked by my teenaged daughter (she has a personality disorder). I told her I loved her – and she started to rage! Instead of running for cover, I thought, “I am Love” – and I saw differently again.

I saw her beauty, and her fear beneath the anger, the fear that if she truly attaches to this family, we will leave her too. With the help of recalling “I am Love” and following my natural inclinations while in that mindset, I was able to end the conversation with no damage to either of us.

And that’s as far as I’ve gotten on this new thought and the experimentation around it.

Since opening this website, I’ve been stuck. Whenever I think of writing something here, I feel a type of performance anxiety – which is exactly the feeling I thought I could avoid by making my identity anonymous. Apparently, whether anyone knows my name or not is irrelevant to the fact that I still want to give something of value to readers, and the mere act of deciding what is of value and what isn’t, is stress making. I have literally started the next paragraph four times already, with four different topics. Since I obviously don’t know what to write, and yet I feel that I need to post something today, I’m going to turn it over to my guides. They always have something of value to say.

To all those who are here, reading these words, I give you peace. Not a gift, mind you. But a procedure to be followed step by step.

First, stop for a moment and close your eyes (after reading the rest of this first, of course). Move your awareness behind your eyes, to the center of your head. Sit there and breathe for a few moments until you feel completely in that place, until you settle in.

Second, with your nonphysical senses, visualize that you are in a massive cave. You can ‘see’ the stones around you, the stalagmites and stalactites, ‘feel’ the curves of wall and jagged coolness of stone, ‘hear’ the swirl of water in a pool, and become aware of gems.

Third, go explore. This may lead you deeper into the cave, or to a particular stone, to a scrying pool, or to a place near the entrance of your cave, toward your forehead. Your curiosity may even lead you out of your cave, overlooking the land beyond. Wherever you are called to, go there. Sit. Look. Listen. Feel.

Fourth, allow the peace of whatever called your name to enter your awareness and tell you what you need to know. Act toward that being in the way that feels completely natural to you. Let it know who you are. Hear who it is. Listen.

As a kid, I saw people that no one else could see. I saw the forest and the bushes and the flowers as light-filled beings. I talked to everything, and everything talked back, though they didn’t make human sounds. They spoke in my head. I even talked to God, and God talked back to me, filled me with love far more intense than what I got from my family – and even as a child, four or five years old, I understood it was to prepare me for the tough times ahead.

As you might guess, I was labelled “different” by the people around me, and “crazy” and “retarded” by my peers. I was bullied and pushed down by cruel actions and words. I took complete responsibility for their actions, and believed I was nothing. The saddest part to me now, looking back, is that I did some of the pushing down to myself because I could feel the pain and uncertainty of the people who hurt me. I wished myself dead almost on a daily basis so my presence didn’t cause them more pain. I saw myself as poison.

With this childhood, it was no wonder that I ended up marrying a narcissist before I was 20 years old. The only salvageable things from that long and dark relationship were three beautiful children and a lot of lessons. I got out only when I realized that if I didn’t, I would face spiritual death, at least in this lifetime. I’d just be a body walking around.

On the other side of those tough times, I did a lot of healing – and now I’m faced with the toughest issue of all for me: a tremendous fear of being “seen.” I equate being seen with being targeted and humiliated and used.

Just yesterday, while walking and communing with the two spirits who help me the most, and telling them how the spiritual journey seems to be like travelling unknown territory in the dark, one of the spirits told me that I need not worry about rushing forward. Instead, just take half steps. Lift the foot out of faith. Then, when the time is right, put it down, with faith.

And that is why I’m here. This new post on this new website is my first half step.