This is not fiction by the way…

October 16, 2014August 8, 2015

Serendipity

Coming out because you want to is one thing. Coming out because you were caught is another.
I always wanted to do this anonymous chat with a pastor. I’ll tell him my struggles and get advice on what to do. Sometimes, I’ll feel so bad with myself that I’ll type ‘how to overcome pornography’ after watching one. Every single time, I will see almost the same posts. 10 steps to overcoming porn. Saying no to porn. Porn habit:lethal or dangerous? 20 reasons you should quit porn..blah blah blah.
There were days, I tried everything I read. I would ask God for help, I’ll not subscribe, I’ll avoid being alone or bored or name it. It probably worked for a while but overtime, I would find myself back in the same pit. Then I’ll go back to the internet and type ‘how to overcome pornography’

The way forward
After I told my friend and my mum, I told a pastor (who was and is still an amazing friend and a huge part of my story) what I was struggling with. And I won’t forget how ashamed I was. I had tears in my eyes as I spoke not because I was ashamed or the fact that he might tell the other pastors or bring me before the Executive Council (at that point, I didn’t care about anybody’s opinion..I was too obsessed with being free and having a sincere relationship with God. He was my only priority and if I had to be disgraced and stripped of every title to get that…then..let it be done.) I cried as I spoke to Bob because I was scared that after my good intention of telling him, I would go back to it.
You see, I am a very funny reserved person. I like to play a whole lot but there are days..(which is most days) I might (or surely)strike you as the most uptight person you’ve ever met. I don’t smile while walking, I don’t swing my arms when I’m carrying my handbag(and its not because I’m uptight..I just don’t know how to. That ish is too hard abeg), and I raise my left brow when I’m trying to figure something out or involved in an intensely intelligent conversation which makes me look too serious and very uptight. With all these display, I now happened to be one of the Executives who prayed like ‘there is fire on the mountain’ and o boy! The vice-president made sure I handled prayer sessions a lot. In all these brethren, I was struggling with porn..some days, hours before prayer sessions, I’ll be begging God to have mercy on me for seeing a porn video that day. Little wonder I prayed like that. I was probably trying to chase all the demons out in a hurry!!! So, people had this ‘respect’ for me..they just thought I was very spiritual. But was I really?? We’ll talk about that.
I told Bob everything and again, he let me in on stories. Lots of stories and he told me these words “Esther, the fight is not yours”. And I asked “then whose is it? Because I’m the one involved in it”. He said “the fight has already been won”. I didn’t understand his point but I said okay. I told him I would avoid the altar for sometime. I told him I needed to sort some things out. And he said he understood.

The end of me.
This part of this story is where I appeal to you.
I am a believer and follower of Christ and I’m not ashamed of it.
I won’t hide and at the same time, I won’t rub it in. I have reasons for sticking to this belief and its more than the fact that a bunch of people go to church or as a human, I must subscribe to a religion.
I’ve read thousand times and more-stories of God’s love for us. I have sat in sunday school and sang “Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so. Little children to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong”. It was just a song to me. That didn’t make me a believer. I have stood on platforms to convince people that Jesus is love..nna..I wasn’t fully convinced myself.
The day I became a believer was the day my eyes were opened to God’s immeasurable love. I didn’t need convincing..I just needed to see how far He had taken me since I cried out for help. So, this is not me being religious at this point..this is me being sincere as I’ve always been to you. This is what worked for me and I can only suggest this option to you if every other has failed.

Now, I stepped away from the altar. I took time to shine the light in every corner of my life. I needed to know the root of this struggle. I had to come clean. So, I figured out two major things.
1. I am human. And humans make mistake. Before you say anything…think of one perfect man you know besides Jesus. You??? Hahaha, go and think again. (I’m taking it p)
2. I was curious. That was the starting point of this issue and it was the continuing factor. I wasn’t satisfied with what I had seen. I wanted to see more. And even though it kept leaving me with guilt and shame..i had made the curious part of my brain feel it was okay.Why??? Me sef no know.
As soon as I figured these out, I had to ask God to help me and show me ways to help myself.

The beginning of Him.
I had a discussion with a friend who had issues with sex (it always makes me laugh. The calmness she displayed despite this challenge marvelled me..it was like she was fighting without fighting). She said “Esther, whenever the urge comes, even speaking in tongues doesn’t solve it”.
When I got to the end of me, it was a relief to me because in a way I had given up on my human effort. Everything; 10 and 15 and 20 steps failed. So, I turned to God and I said “I give up, you can’t snob me now”
That moment..in that moment, a new me came up.
I realized curiosity was a factor so I shifted my curious mind to God’s word. I became less interested in showbiz and fashion trend. I just fixed my eyes on God’s trend. I slipped sometimes but then He made me realize I couldn’t stop in one day what took me years to build. It was one step at a time with Him and so He played His part and I played mine and days when I slipped, I didn’t get a heavenly slap or I didn’t become broke or have nightmares, He would clean me up and tell me to keep coming to Him. I was like a baby who was practicing her first steps.
I love God a whole lot. He’s been an amazing ‘man’..a faithful friend and He sincerely loves me. Even if I’ve heard the grace story over and over again, I don’t still think I can just sit back and watch Him love me so much without giving anything in return. So, if giving up porn was part of the price, I was ready to work it out till I could work no more. I just always think of Him as the good boyfriend who deserves goodness from the imperfect girlfriend. I’m not saying works earns us grace, I’m just saying I believe there’s a point we get to in our love walk with God that we’ll refuse to sit back and enjoy His goodness without giving up something just to show Him how much we love Him you get?? I think we shouldn’t take His love for granted. This was and is the strongest reason I had to quit porn. So, note HAVE A REASON TO QUIT. TO BE HONEST, IT’LL BE YOUR MOTIVATION..BESIDES GOD PLAYING HIS PART. YOU HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY AND YOU SHOULD HAVE A TANGIBLE REASON TO QUIT. WE MUST LEARN TO DO THINGS WITH REASONS.
As a human, one must learn that everyday there is a constant battle between good and evil in our hearts. Struggles and addictions don’t make you evil or doomed, it only proves you’re human who needs divine help. Someone might ask if God made us weak intentionally..o well yes!!!! If we were strong, we wouldn’t need Him. Don’t take it ‘p’.

The walk of freedom.
You were probably expecting me to give you a list of do’s and don’t’s bah? Don’t lie!!! I would expect that too.
But no!!! I wouldn’t.
I would give you just 1 do..DO TRUST GOD LIKE YOUR FREEDOM DEPENDS ON HIM BECAUSE TRULY IT DOES.DON’T TRUST YOURSELF. YOU’RE HUMAN AND YOU WILL FAIL.
After I came out and spoke to friends and admitted I needed help, I spent time with God. Gave Him my heart with understanding this time around. I told Him I needed His help and I was ready to play my part (which involved avoiding what could trigger my ‘curiosity’ in that aspect..including all of you guys that have ‘uncontrollable hands’, novels and a whole lot till it began to gradually wear off and I began to settle in my freedom. Don’t be mistakened, caution still tops my list till this day. I am free..which is one thing and I must stay free which is another. so if you have this struggle, be cautious of what you see, who you date..truth be told…some human body connections trigger these things..but then again, you’re not in it alone..please note again that one lie the devil tells is porn addiction ends after one gets married….it is a big lie from devil’s buttocks..couples still have issues because one or both of them are addicted to porn while married)

It been a beautiful walk with God since then..and He has opened my eyes to see not just my weakness but the weakness of humanity in general. From my experience, I learnt not to judge people..but pray for them because that’s the only thing that can make me a part of their struggle. I learnt to not wag my tongue when pastors and bishops and prophets slip, because Titles and The Human Flesh are two things entirely.

As an individual, as a church, or whatever religion you practice, weaknesses are real. People have struggles and judging them only makes it worse. Its our duty to have one another’s back.

So, if you are struggling with anything, Jesus worked it out with me..last time I checked recommendation is what friends do too.

Thank you for stopping by!!! Next week is my mum’s fake birthday..lol!!! I hope you’ll stop by to hear the most ridiculous stories about her. And I’ll be dedicating it to single moms!!! Go you!!!
Again, still send your stories to su4christ@gmail.com to be a part of our CONQUEROR SERIES on social media!!!

thank God for your life!!!
Its obvious you don’t fight spiritual battles with physical weapons!
Lust is one thing that WAR against the soul!!!
May the grace of God keep you Upright till the close of the day!
God bless

I particularly find the part of “being free is one thing and staying free is another” true. It’s always great when we give God the glory with our testimonies. And for curiousity….. I thought they said it kills the cat!!? 🙂

Just kidding. It’s a saying that curiousity kills the cat. But in the case of an addiction like pornography, it kills the ‘simple’ (as the book of Proverbs put it). I will never know a greater Father like God and a greater Saviour like Jesus. And thanks be to God for your life once again.

Hmm…the way u play with words and your power of description still ‘trips’ me. I’ve read ur previous post leading up to this point. I admire ur boldness. Infact, I’m motivated by this. I hope this will go a long way to encourage everyone that the answer lies only in Christ. Way to go Hadassah!!! U rock

Yea… i get stuck between 2 options when i read through your pages.
1. is she a creative writer? OR
2. Am i drawn by the values being dished out?
and ive com to conclude that 2 it is.
Great story, great reality, great words. .. keep writing, keep sharing .
God bless you and God Bless rotimi for always postin ur diary on his social media page.

Wait ooo… ahn, ahn,.. Who you be?, Who jokes so much but writes so profoundly… Where the heck did you learn all this from? I am provoked with a holy anger. Esther it is evident that the grace of God on you heavy gaan, may it never diminish,it can’t sef… People should be paying to read your blog, I hope to see you one day(from a distance ). By the way you Just got a new subscriber..