The Kweendom of Abstraction

heart

I don’t know. I really don’t. I’ve always been on the receiving end of bullshit. I didn’t take time out in my busy moments of dusting off the fuckas of past to see if someone’s heart got broken by me.

Anything is possible. Someone is probably swearing I did that shit to them. If so, I apologize. I go into each situation with an open heart and honesty. If I don’t like/love you…I don’t waste my time or yours. I don’t tell folks I love them and then go tell the next person that’s it’s all about them. I get no pleasures in gaming with folks’ hearts and lives.

Having said that…it’s quite possible that IN my honesty of, “No, I don’t see you that way…” that someone’s feelings could’ve gotten hurt. I think hurt feelings are a world away from a broken heart, but I can’t determine the scope of someone else’s disappointment, either.

To end this…I’ll post my FAVORITE song for this kind of occasion. I heard it some months back and it’s been in heavy rotation since.

“Message To You” by Claudette Ortiz…if I’ve every hurt you or broken your heart, I apologize…

Happy New Year to all of you. God bless that we were able to meet on the other side of 2009.

I have a lot to do this year. I’ve got to publish my works, get my health together…wait…there I go. Creating resolutions without meaning to. I guess the point is that the new year is like a new day…another chance to do better…the same way we wish for another day to get it right. I won’t make any promises or go extreme for a goal. All I can say is that I am going to try from this point forward to stay productive and be what God has purposed me to be. If that somehow includes, published work, a healthier overall state of self and some fun…so be it.

I confess, I brought 2010 in with tears. I cried for what should’ve been, what needed to be and why in it all…I felt immensely alone. I shouldn’t be, y’all. I am a vibrant, humorous, talented, special woman…who deserved to be in the throes of an all-consuming love. I should’ve been in the middle of the rest of my life…but happy. I’ve gotten some really good advice…people who have reminded me of the overflowing proportions of special I am. Folks, who’ve watched me be for others what very few were for me…and that’s okay. Part of understanding who you are as a person…is knowing that we’re all to our own capacity what we can be in that moment. As, I sit here listening to Mariah sing “Never Too Far Away”…I know that in her greatness she is Mariah…and Whitney even at her worse…still was legendarily HER. I never ask for folks to BE me…I just hope that by example, they’ll see what I’m worthy of and love me enough to give it. I don’t “expect” things from people…I pray that the relationships/friendships that I enter into have reciprocity…enough so that I don’t feel taken for granted or like someone is doing ME a favor. I like my own company, appreciate my good qualities and not-so-good traits. I love my loud laugh, my silly impressions, my wild imagination, my left-field thinking and my love’s reach. I also can dig my evil side, the side that comes out when I’ve had enough…the fighter that is an underdog’s best representative, the sharp-tongued fire goddess I can be…and the little girl inside who needs love. All of that is me…and I’m beginning to, now more than ever…understand what I deserve over what I desire…

Did you get that? Because my desires had me grasping at slender straws…but what I deserved was even further away…due to preoccupation with trying to obtain something that may have never been mine to behold. THAT is what God is about…providing what we deserve (as unworthy as we are) over what we desire. The two don’t always coincide…so, sometimes…ya gotta let go.

I aim to be on the receiving end…for ONCE. I want to be on the receiving end of hungry kisses…hugs just because…knee rubs…cheek pinches {both sets, lol}. I want to be on the receiving end of dinner served…calls “just to say ~I love you~”…mystery cash in my purse…love letters, yea….love letters.

Anyway…That’s what was on my mind tonight. Again…Happy New Year…and be prepared to say Happy Birthday in oh….about……….EIGHT days! 😉

Not too long ago…a friend of mine said that more people killed themselves around the holidays than any other time of the year. She said it was because of the loneliness that is magnified in a season where the focus is on love of family and friends. I’d heard that statistic before…and I wonder if it just seems that way because loss of life this time of year is amplified. We went back and forth for a minute, but neither of us researched it…I guess neither of us wanted to REALLY know.

I don’t like to buy into the whole ideology of holidays. Call me Debbie Downer or a Party Pooper. Whatever floats your boat. I got ragged on recently for being the one who doesn’t think kids should be mindlessly misled into believing in Santa. Hell, ESPECIALLY in this time of economic struggle…I tend to believe it is of absolute importance that kids know EXACTLY where their gifts are coming from. They SHOULD know as early as it is possible for them to understand, how mom/dad/guardian…works their asses off all year to fulfill Christmas wishes. And people wonder why their kids don’t appreciate the value of a dollar or life’s gifts. *shrugging*

My mother didn’t tell me Santa was real. She told me straight up that it was she and my dad and other family members who CARED enough to see me smile…that purchased gifts for me. That went to the trouble of wrapping and hiding them…all to see me and my sister glow come Christmas morning. I was always grateful for the things under my tree…because I knew where they came from. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t feed our kids a little imagination and fairy tale. Within fairytales lie moral finishes and fuel for dreams…but, I just wonder how healthy it is to keep kids believing in Santa way into their preteens. Anyway…this isn’t about that. Forgive me…I digress.

What I’m saying is…that values, family time, love, generosity (as mentioned in a previous post during Thanksgiving) shouldn’t be allocated to the last two months of the year. ANY time I can gather and love my family is a good time. It’s a WONDERFUL thing.

I say this, because I feel that even those who understand the truest meaning of this “holiday”…still at times get sucked into the feeling of loneliness, despair and feelings of displacement…if they don’t have people around them to truly appreciate them and show them…I said, SHOW THEM…that they mean the world. I would hope that this Christmas, in remembering it’s origin and spiritual context…all of you (those celebrating religiously/commercially) would remember to make someone’s day. Shine their night…by bringing some joy. Invite someone or a small family who may not have much over for dinner. Or stop by bearing gifts of love and time. Call someone and say, “I love you” (and mean it). Think of how you would feel to be alone and uncared for…and act in accordance to what you would want in that position.

I’ll post a blog every month of this upcoming year dedicated to love if that’s what it takes to spread love around. If it reminds you to slow down your supposed “busy life” to tend to a broken, lonely or just beautiful heart…then so be it.

God bless and Happy Holidays…see you after Christmas…perhaps after the New Year. I love you all!

Tonight, I heard about something that brought me to tears. Someone who I’d seen around one of the social sites I frequent, died last night (the 21st technically since I’m writing past the midnight hour). She had cancer and passed on at the young age of about 25. I really didn’t know her. I’d seen her on other friend’s pages and knew her profile pic well…but, somehow we never crossed paths. I’d actually just heard something about her (in the negative) just days before…yet, I wept at her death.

I’m not at all wondering why it is that I was touched. She was human, had a life, people loved her and now she’s gone. What I wonder about is why it is so easy for people to detach from their emotions simply because someone that they DIDN’T know…died. Why is it so easy for people to dismiss the lives of others all because the tragedy didn’t roost on their front step. That truly bothers me.

Maybe today was an emotional day. A wonderful woman who I consider a mother figure in my life is struggling. As her man lies in pain and goes blind, she looks on helplessly not being able to do much more than BE there. As I prayed for her, the tears fell…a sign to ME that the prayer came from my heart. Then prayer went up for a new mom whose child is having complications after being birthed with the umbilical cord around her neck. I think of all the people who are suffering or have…and I pray a collective prayer for those in need of healing. It doesn’t have to be a physical one. It can be spiritual, mental, emotional…even financial one. There can be a break in the family that needs mending, or simply a void in someone’s life that needs filling.

Today, while in a taxi…the driver confessed (why, I don’t know) that he’d been robbed a few days earlier. He still pursued the robbers in his taxi even though he was afraid. He even wanted to obtain a gun permit to protect himself. I just told him, that he was gifted with the ability to say he was here! His daughter’s birthday was on today (the 22nd) and I told him that she got one helluva gift…dad’s life. I told him, that I prayed he’d find the strength to fight the trauma and fear of his experience. Here’s a man who makes his living driving taxis and he now no longer feels safe enough to do so. Considering that due to his persistence, the robbers were caught, the money recovered and his LIFE is in tact…I told him he was blessed and had angels amidst him. I gave him blessings and exited his cab.

I sometimes ask God, why? Why do I feel things so deeply. Why are my heart strings easily tugged? And then I think…this is the way it SHOULD be. In a desensitized world where people shrug their shoulders at the plights of others…I am glad to say that I do indeed have a heart. Thank God for that.