This Blog

Elsewhere

In The News

Fm: Sheriff Hawthorne To: Mayor Timmins Just FYI, some guy I pulled over for speeding said the town seal on our squad car was racist. Just looked at it and it looks like a white guy choking an Indian. Fm: Mayor Timmins To: Sheriff Hawthorne Holy crap! I never looked at it before. What the…

Dear Karl, On behalf of the University Student Council I wanted to tell you how excited we are about your upcoming comedy show. We look forward to “blowing off some steam” after exams and you’re just the person for the job! With that in mind, here are some notes we had after reviewing your act….

I’ll never forget the one afternoon we found ourselves surrounded by what we assume was Viet Cong. We were in the cafeteria at Harvard, preparing for what we in the military call “grub”: sirloin steak, mashed potatoes, truffled string beans, some lobster bisque, salad, Key Lime pie and Jello.

I know, I know. New York is a target and the terrorists hate our freedoms (but I’m certain they love our foreign policy) and something terrible is bound to happen in the city some day. Yes, and there’s not much you can do about a determined, evil person who has opted to engage in martyrdom…

“Dubai’s police chief said on Monday that an 11-person team of trained killers with European passports carried out the mysterious assassination of a senior Hamas official last month in a Dubai hotel.” [New York Times]

After the recent release of the 2011 Federal Budget there was no shortage of complaints from all over the political spectrum. Of course, one of the biggest grumbles is that it’s 192 pages of incredibly boring fiscal drudgery. The fix? Make it entertaining! Some of America’s top entertainers offer their ideas on how the Office…

From the onset, the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy established seventeen years ago under the Clinton Administration has been controversial. Over the last several years this panel has analyzed the policy and conducted thorough observations of militaries all over the world. The panel has come to the conclusion that the policy is outdated and needs…

Recently, al Qaeda CEO Osama bin Laden went on a tirade about America’s complicity in the climate crisis. Some media outlets have speculated that such a stunt represents the organization’s desperation to stay relevant. However, this is not the first time Al Qaeda’s opinionated chatterbox has strayed beyond his usual comfort zone in order to…

Although Hopenhagen is the ultimate winner in the UN Climate Change Conference contest, we should certainly acknowledge the other great cities of the world that didn’t make the cut: Optimemphis Moscwow Glimmerick Wishtanbul Dusseldream Budabest Beliepzig Prayjing Detroit

If we lived in North Korea we wouldn’t dare say anything about this photograph which was taken of their Dear Leader at the Dongbong collective farm (snicker, snicker). Instead, we’d be afraid of being sent with our families to a labor camp. And so we’d be forced to bite our lip and put on one…

Aware what the apostrophe is for and exactly when its use is called for. Knows not to place all its capital in one mysterious hedge fund. Can name the capitals of all fifty American states and eleven Canadian provinces. Able to draw from a large pool of memorized quotes. Speaks French fluently in the sense…

So, you have the mayor of a city that can’t afford it in a state that is bankrupt, spending a fortune on a memorial service for a musician who just a couple weeks ago was pretty much considered a laughing stock by lots of people. Just can’t beat it.

I suppose this is exactly the kind of quote we should expect to see in an article about how 60% of the 8th graders at one Chicago school won’t be going on to 9th grade: “It’s horrible because these kids were under the impression they were graduating, and they let them know at the last…