Tooo Funny

What's a trillion if we get a ball cap?

Jack Knox Times Colonist Sunday, February 13, 2005

George Bush proposed a $2.57 trillion US budget last week. That's trillion, as in 1,000 billion.

It's impossible to wrap your head around a number that big. A couple of Virginia physics professors tried, calculating that if Bush were placed end-to-end two trillion times, he would stretch to the sun and back 13 times. Not a bad idea.

This is the problem with government. The numbers are too big to comprehend. Another $150 million for B.C. schools? Might as well be umptillion. Tell us the size of the class, not the budget. We don't care about $12 billion in health spending as much as we care whether the line-up at Emergency stretches to the sun and back 13 times.

If governments really want to connect to the people, they should talk less about big numbers and more about small services, the things we can taste and feel. A chocolate on the pillow makes a $150-a-night hotel bill easier to swallow.

If my party were heading into an election this spring, it would promise to:

- Provide compensation to people languishing on surgical waiting lists. After one month, patients would qualify for a free appetizer at the legislative dining room. After three months, two tickets to the 2010 Olympics biathlon. After six, a freshwater fishing licence and Best Place On Earth To Languish On A Waiting List ball cap. After a year, a flight on an air ambulance to Seattle.

- Provide relief for those left fuming by the New Era commitment to understaffing government offices. My party would implement a $5-a-minute tax credit to callers who are put on hold when telephoning the public service.

- Introduce a new line of HumilityWear gowns for hospital patients, garments that take the cover-your-butt attitude out of the bureaucracy and into the beds. No more "I see you" in ICU. As an incentive, the new design would become the daily working uniform for B.C.'s health minister and all senior ministry staff.

- Change the education system to meet the needs of students, not adults. Let the kids sleep in; start high school classes at noon, end them at 6. No mystery meat in the cafeteria. Parents must pass provincial child-rearing exam to retain influence after offspring reach Grade 10. All driver's ed courses to be taught in Oscar Meyer Wienermobiles. Free car upon graduation.

- Pay $100 million to Liberal-linked Quebec advertising firms to do little or no work on federal contracts in the name of national unity. No, wait, this one has been done already. OK, how about this: Have Foreign Affairs build a $172-million, 18-hole Tsunami Relief Centre in Jean "I Did It For Canada" Chretien's old Shawinigan riding.

- Introduce capital punishment for anyone who:

A. Uses the words impact, transition, medal, parent or gift as a verb.

B. Tosses cigarette butts out the window.

C. Turns on the left-turn signal after arriving at the intersection.

D. TALKS LIKE THIS on a cell-phone in a restaurant.

E. Wears a Speedo that he can't see for his gut.

- Create mandatory truck- and SUV-free zones in parking lots, allowing drivers of smaller vehicles to back out of their spots without feeling like they're reversing through the Grand Canyon blind.

- Require anyone abusing the "nine items or less" rule at the grocery store to pay $1 per excess item to each customer in line. Allow express-line cashiers to punch slow patrons.

- Ban raw log exports to the U.S.

-Ban raw broccoli imports to Canada. (Yucch!)

- Levy a $50 fine against men who leave the seat up.

- Impose a $100 fine on women who leave it down.

- Impose a $1-trillion fine on anyone who doesn't replace the toilet roll.

Introduce a new line of HumilityWear gowns for hospital patients, garments that take the cover-your-butt attitude out of the bureaucracy and into the beds. No more "I see you" in ICU. As an incentive, the new design would become the daily working uniform for B.C.'s health minister and all senior ministry staff.

As long as Nurses can attend to their patients; I'm all for it.
The health minister and his staff should have to pay for their own gowns.

09-11 .. 343 "All Gave Some..Some Gave ALL" God Bless..R.I.P.
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IACOJ Minister of Southern Comfort
"Purple Hydrant" Recipient (3 Times)
BMI Investigator
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The comments, opinions, and positions expressed here are mine. They are expressed respectfully, in the spirit of safety and progress. They do not reflect the opinions or positions of my employer or my department.