Oh, man, I am sooo ashamed. Not to mention scared. I mean, almost everyone loses their virginity someday. To someone. But, to The Hair? Ewww! Ish! And, because this is The Apprentice, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna hurt. And since it’s gonna entail singing apprentii, I’m pretty sure it’s gonna hurt A LOT!

Frankly, I’m not even sure that clenching my eyes shut, wearing earmuffs, and thinking of England will help assuage the pain, Besides, that would lead to the shortest recrap in history, and someone has to bear the pain of watching to save the rest of humanity. Guess that’d be me. Ah, well, let’s get this over with. I’m strong. I can take it. *whimper*

Last week on The Apprentice... the teams had to get over the disappointment of Brent’s departure, realizing that they no longer have the cover of a truly dysfunctional waste of protoplasm to hide behind (covered in zipperhead’s excellently written and received summary here, and shill for a cruise line by making a commercial touting their lack of structured activities. Which cruise line, you ask? Well, I’m not telling. The Donald gets paid to advertise their company, not me. So there.

Since not a single one of these, supposedly millionaire, DAW’s in need of a job had the common courtesy to fall overboard and drown, this resulted in such apathy among viewers that no one even bothered to recrap it. Which means that this week I get to do a two-fer-one. Which also means that this recrap will probably rival anything Estee ever wrote in length. All for a show that no one watches. Thanks, guys.

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On team Cold Cuts Gold Rush Dan proves what a good leader he is by turning into a raving lunatic. The Commissar (Lenny) comes up with the idea of filming a castaway, picked up in the middle of the ocean, enjoying the freedom of the cruise on his way back to civilization. Yeah, like in those circumstances he wouldn’t have enjoyed the amenities of a passing freighter just as well.

They decide to put him on a raft with his head and body draped in seaweed. The ship picks him up and the rest of the commercial shows him lounging in the spa as helpful crewmembers take his watch away, followed by gambling in the on-board casino, and eating and drinking his fill at the restaurants. Oh, and the rags he was wearing when he was rescued? Replaced by a brand new sporty wardrobe. Must have been one heck of an expensive watch to pay for all of that.

Dan further shows his leadership by insisting on taking all control of the filming, while putting Tarek in charge of editing the final product. Because, we all know how creative Tarek is. He’s mental Mensa, ya know. He proves his creativity by deciding that on-screen text is all that’s needed. No voice-over. No explanation. Heck, if he can figure out the point behind this silent movie, anyone should be able to. Lenny, objects, pointing out that the executives will only see this once. Thirty seconds is all they’ll have to sell their idea. Dan, being the leader that he is, makes the executive decision to back Tarek and make a silent movie. Dum-de-dum-dumb. (But, never fear, that won’t be the last dumb decision Dan makes.)

Meanwhile, over on Team No Energy Synergy Roxanne proves her leadership ability by being indecisive, ineffective, and whiny. Their commercial supposedly contrasts the drabness of other cruises with the unfettered freedom of this one. Their editing primarily consists of Roxanne whining about the lack of respect she’s getting from her team after Andrea takes over and makes the decisions that Roxanne won’t, in order to get something, anything, accomplished.

Their commercial starts out in sepia tones (dull & drab, remember) and then bursts into full color as they show people getting massages, gambling, eating and drinking. Hmmm… seems familiar. Pretty much like the other one. But, wait! Synergy actually uses voice to explain what you’re seeing. What a concept!

Both teams meet with the executives and show the results of their idiocy hard work. Team Sepia goes first. The executives are kind, but less than effusive in their praise. Team Silent Movie pitches next. Dan and underlings have put together a choreographed spiel to help the execs understand what they’re about to see. Ummm… guys? Doncha think a commercial should be pretty self-explanatory? Isn’t that kinda the point of a commercial? Oops, even with an explanation the execs don’t get it. They ask lots of questions, like “What’s all that green, slimy, stuff hanging all over our passenger?” After yet more explanation the execs finally understand the concept. Kinda.

Teams leave, execs meet amongst themselves, and come to the conclusion that while they don’t necessarily like or dislike either one, they really don’t want to give the impression to prospective customers that their fellow passengers are made up of slime covered freeloaders that pay in trade. Besides, these are real professionals, and they, at least, understand that they can’t afford to make commercials to explain their commercials. Synergy wins.

At least this was a task worth winning. Synergy gets to go to a secret, underground, vault holding over $100 million worth of diamonds, where they’ll get to choose, and keep, $30,000 worth for themselves. After a full body cavity search by Uzi-carrying Brinks guards, they are taught to juggle priceless diamonds with tiny tweezers, laughing as they squirt off onto the floor. Characteristically, the guards are less amused.

Meanwhile, Gold Rush prepares, yet again, for the Boardroom. Dumb Dan, the Do-it-all-Yourself man, get a surprise when he learns that Leslie has a background in video production. If she’d said something about that he might have paid attention to what she said. Or not. But, at least if he’d let her do something she might be on the hot-seat instead of him. Oops, again. Everyone starts shouting at everyone else until Carolyn quiets the kids by calling them all 10-yr. olds and putting them in time-out.

Trump thinks the whole castaway idea stank, and Lenny happily takes credit for it, saying that the whole team liked it. He asks how the team felt about DD, the D-i-a-Y Man, and the kids start fighting and whining again. When asked who he’s bringing back, DD chooses Lee (for no apparent reason) and Tarek. Trump suggests that he should bring Lenny back, and DD proves the first D in his name again by saying that, if he did that, Lee and Lenny would gang up on him. Hey, Dumbass, How ‘bout bringing Lenny and Tarek (the two that Trump has zeroed in on) and dropping Lee?

Unsurprisingly, at least to anyone paying attention, Trump immediately dismisses Lee as a target. Dumb Dan starts to feel more comfortable (Oops, yet again) when Trump lays into Tarek, suggesting that either Mensa has lowered its standards, or he had someone else take the test for him. It’s his third trip to the boardroom and he’s been a disaster in everything he’s done. But, (here it comes), DD, you should have brought Lenny for his stupid idea, not Lee, who did nothing because you wouldn’t let anyone do anything. That just shows how dumb you really are. So, “Dan. You’re Fired!”

I have no idea what Trump’s lesson for the week was supposed to be. But, the obvious moral in this, and in previous weeks, is that if Trump specifically suggests that someone should be brought back, you’d darn well better bring them back. Unfortunately, this concept seems to keep eluding this particular batch of geniuses.

Now, on to this week’s episode of asshattery:

Wow. I haven’t even gotten to my punishment episode and I’m already up to 3 pages and 1,348 words. Whew. *pants heavily*