WootBot

1. Wearing Clogs vs. Drinking Tea in terms of Marketing your New Album

A certain kind of person wears clogs, the kind of person who allows the heel freedom of movement while imprisoning the toes. Tea, meanwhile, can be consumed by nearly anyone: It can wake you up in the morning. It can help you relax in the evening. It is a essentially an all purpose hot beverage of uncontroversial flavor. So, when you’re marketing your new LP, you have to ask yourself: do you want to be seen as someone who discriminates based on shape and appearance (clogs) or do you want to be the kind of person who offers a little something for everyone (tea)?

Advantage:

Tea

2. A Basket vs. Nostalgia in terms of Grinding Coffee Beans Just Right

You can crush beans with a basket. Will they be “just right”? Probably not. But they’ll be finer than they were when you started. Nostalgia, on the other hand, will not only not grind your beans; it’ll actually make it impossible for you to ever grind your beans right again. You’ll always think back to cups of coffee from the past, remembering how perfect they tasted, and so your current cup will never see adequate.

Advantage:

A Basket

3.Tongs vs. A Man-Made Lake in terms of Masking Your Emotions

Taking a dip in the man-made lake will wash away the tears, but if you do it too much, people will start to realize something’s wrong. "Why is he always in that lake?" you friends’ll wonder. "Is he keeping something from us?" Tongs are far more portable. You can take them anywhere, so you’re never mysteriously absent. And when you have them, you don't need to touch anything or anyone directly, which is important, as the slightest quiver in your hand can reveal your deepest, darkest thoughts.

Advantage:

Tongs

Last week, user Turken straight-up schooled me on why a hand-buzzer is best for a buffet, thus earning himself the Rebuttal of the Week. Here, take a look:

When preparing to eat at a buffet, the true measure of preparedness is not the state of your stomach, but rather where you stand in line. After all, first in line gets the choicest pick of all the dishes. And if the buffet in question is a pot-luck dinner (vs. overpriced-all-you-can-eat-extravaganza) position in line is of the absolute importance!

Deep breathing is only useful in gaining a line advantage if those breaths are foul enough to push the competition out of the way. However, since you've yet to actually eat from the buffet, chances are it won't be all that foul yet.

On the other hand (ha!), a buzzer is the perfect tool for gaining your positional advantage. With a buzzer you can walk up to whomever is at the front of the line, feign a friendly greeting, and then after shocking them slip in front to grab a plate before they recover and realize what you just did.

Advantage: hand buzzer.

Now, you get the chance to follow in Turken's footsteps. So go ahead - post your rebuttal to the comments thread and you could be here next week!

a1anorth

Certain kinds of people drink tea: British with pinky extended, Southerners with sweet tea, Northerners with fruity tea. Nobody wears clogs anymore, unless they're clogging -- to music. Dancing is always a boost to album promotion. Advantage is clearly to the clogs.

brownhub

abitterwoman

I respectfully disagree with you on this one. Your argument that someone who wears clogs allows freedom of movement for the heel while imprisoning the toes is bunk. Clogs, much like the mullet, are business in the front, party in the back. People would therefore see you as both someone who knows how to have fun and someone who can get the job done. Tea drinking, on the other hand, only proves you have a softer side, and unless you are Enya (or Barry Manilow), this is probably not what you are going for.

apoor

Marketing today is all about social networking. People buy from people that they know, like, and trust. There are not many people who trust someone wearing clogs, and clogs really aren't that great as a conversation starter.

On the other hand, tea is an effective diuretic. Which means that you will have to make frequent and lengthy trips to the bathroom. And what better forum could there be for making personal contact with potential fans? It's an intimate setting where they have the opportunity to get to know you, and it's far more effective than standing around, staring at your clogs, hoping that someone will talk to you.

davep1

Tongs vs. A Man-Made Lake in terms of Masking Your Emotions - right answer but completely off the mark.

The key to masking your emotions is not to mask your depression. We're all depressed, or at least all of us who don't have a cushy Woot! job.

You need to mask the positive emotions that make people want to push you into the man-made lake because they're envious. In order to do this, the tongs are invaluable. If you're happy you just grab your nose with them and squeeze. Voila - instant tears - you fit in with your depressed friends again.

Of course if you suddenly find yourself attracted to one of your depressed friends, something stronger is called for. Grabbing your naughty bits and squeezing hard should get that love nonsense out of your head.

plavacek

The key is not to go in the lake. The key is to drown absolutely everyone you meet or even receive a call, email, or social media interaction with in the man-made lake. For this, you will need a large lake. However, unless the emotion you want to mask is "psycho guy that drowns people in lakes", it will have both an immediate effect of masking your emotions while you drown them by requiring your complete concentration, and a prolonged effect of surrounding you with fewer and fewer people and therefore less masking required.

Since tongs also cannot mask "psycho guy that drowns people in lakes", and tongs do not intrinsically lessen the amount of masking you must do, lake wins.

fractalVisionz

There are many ways to mask one's emotions. Attempting to blend in is one way such way. But, if you are attempting to blend in, why not go full throttle and have a special thing associated with you. You could be a swims in man-made lakes guy, but you would always be prune, and no one likes giving high fives to a sopping wet, wrinkled sack of sinusoidal flesh, right? There are other that guy options, however, such as food guy--or better yet, BBQ guy. Armed with tongs of immaculate and transcending bliss, you dive head first into every situation with an epic combination of juicy BBQ tri-tip and chicken breasts. Everyone will be too busy enjoying your legendary BBQ to notice any emotions you are having, good or bad.

rapstas

When it comes to grinding coffee beans 'just right', one needs to take into account the fact that coffee isn't really enjoyable to begin with -- ever. But that doesn't have to stop you from remembering it as though it were.

With nostalgia on one's side, one can likely recall dozens or more relationships of days gone by that were made sweeter and happen to be incontrovertibly mixed in with that caffeinated mistress.

That time at the ski lodge; that old friend that had to start each day with it; if there were ever a reason to grind beans in the first place, it would be to resurrect or attempt to re-live those times.

One need not even follow through with drinking the end product; but at least you would have taken a step down memory lane and ground up those beans...just right.

That's about the last point that coffee is 'just right', after all; ground up there on the counter and ascending to your olfactory as opposed to descending into your gastro system.

Grinding beans with a basket just seems like it would produce a lot of anger and make you awfully sweaty. I would have to give the advantage to Nostalgia.

00000100

I'm going to give my vote to the man-made lake for masking emotions. Sure, it's man-made and all, but that means that it's certainly expandable. If one were able to expand said lake to the size of, say Crystal Lake (of Friday the 13th fame, as well as being an actual lake in my hometown), one could obviously become a masked killer such as Jason Voorhees (of Friday the 13th fame, fortunately not as well as being an actual killer in my hometown).

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