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I'm starting a debt diary! Again. I found my old one from years ago that I abandoned, and it reads as if I wrote it yesterday. Time to get back on the wagon.

It's the fear of money - the fear that comes with never having had enough growing up. I feel out of control, and destitute. I'm afraid because we grew up poor. Breaking the cycle comes from being honest about it, reaching out and admitting that I need help, and I need to come clean.

This is upsetting to me. My money and the lack of it is wrapped up with these feelings. Breaking free means dealing with my depression and trying to do something different - every day, a little bit at a time. This is progress. Here I am.

Who would have thought I could do such a thing? Not me. I've spent the last few months recoiling in horror at my financial situation, looking away (and hoping it goes away), living day-to-day. It always seems to come as a surprise when - shocker! - I have no money. It might only be Day 5, but that's five days improved on anything I have managed for a long, long time.

Who would have thought I could do such a thing? Not me. I've spent the last few months recoiling in horror at my financial situation, looking away (and hoping it goes away), living day-to-day. It always seems to come as a surprise when - shocker! - I have no money. It might only be Day 5, but that's five days improved on anything I have managed for a long, long time.

"A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
***Keep plodding*** Out of debt, out of danger. MFW 2018. No 144

I may be skint but today, hallelujah, I know where my money actually went. I find that small step quite amazing. Even as I am managing hand-to-mouth, I feel more in control of my financial life than I have at any time this year - and all because I made a budget and stuck to it.
I'll tell you something for free: it's a bloody expensive world out there. Milk went up 20 pence at my corner shop, and I was crestfallen. Everything is slowly creeping up. Is it Brexit? Maybe, but whatever: the pound in my pocket feels a bit less weighty then it used to, like old gold coins with the edges shaved off.
How are people surviving? There's a whole world out there, with people close to the edge - people who have fallen over the edge - that you just don't see on television and newspapers unless they are being mocked on Benefits Street and the Daily Mail. How do people get by? They are being pushed to the margins, and into the shadows.

Feeling pleased. I've just cancelled a web service and saved £8 a month. That's a good feeling. My ship is a boat that leaks money, and I must plug the holes. Better financial times lay ahead, one day at a time.

I think this thread, publicly declaring how much you owe, is really brave. It's about accountability - to yourself, to the community of people who care here, ultimately bettering yourself and the lives of those around you.. A mirror to myself, will it keep me honest? I spend money as if in a dream, unable to look at my bank balance, hoping that there's something still in there by the end of the week - or at worst, end of the day.

That's a grand, no-fun total. Hey, at least I know now. I've never actually done this before - which is like driving without a seat-belt with your eyes closed. Can it possibly end in anything other than a financial car-crash?

I know it feels scary, but actually driving with your eyes closed is what youíve been doing up to this point.

By listing your debts youíve pulled over to a lay by, put your seatbelt on and cleared your windscreen. Now you just need a map to work out what direction to go in, but as long as your eyes are on the road youíll get there just fine.

Well done, writing it down is magic. And we CAN break the cycle. I grew up so used to having nothing & my mum using debt to keep us afloat, it's a wrench to change that way of thining & keep hold of my money for more than 5 minutes. But people change every day and you can too. Congrats on totting it all up, now watch those numbers get smaller every month...

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