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Monday, August 29, 2011

Hello world! It's another dreadful monday morning! I haven't written in a while, because I've been trying to figure out what to write about. So I guess I'll rant and see where this post takes me. :)

Well, it's back to school soon. Only a few days left. School starts soon and I'm a little nervous, not only because I don't know my teachers. It's the usual beginning of school jitters. It's a bit exciting though too! I've thought a lot about my past years in high school and am looking forward to and hoping for a better year. High school drama hides in every corner. Also, the friend I mentioned a few posts ago that I've lost will be there everyday to remind me what happened. I'm not quite ready to confront her. I know I won't like seeing her because of what happened and how I felt and cried. I feel as though I've been betrayed. The drama will be hard to handle and I'll have to be ready for that.

Walking alone was always one of my weaknesses which was probably why I've always had poor judgement on choosing friends. I've lost many friends in my short life, and though some of it was my fault, I never ceased to keep trying. That is one factor in my life that I'm proud of myself for. I've not given up on finding my life long best friend. My father always used to tell me that I probably haven't met my best friend yet. And while that might be true, there are still other people in the world that I can talk to and rely on. Walking alone is my weakness. I hate being alone. Sometimes when I'm angry or I feel pushed away, I alienate myself further so that I can distance my pain and exclusion. And although that might not make any sense, it all makes sense to me. One way or another...Life has a funny way of making sense.

Things happen based on what choices you, me, and others make. We all make mistakes, saying things we don't mean, and forgetting things we never meant to leave behind. We're only human. Sometimes we forget, sometimes we say what we feel, sometimes we say the exact opposite of what we feel, and someone always gets hurt. We've all been on both sides of the street, being the person who says, and being the person who hears it. Life has a funny way of happening.

Think about life for a moment. This song is the song of the day.

Wrapped in your arms by Fireflight

Hope you think about life a little bit as I have today. It's important, it's short and it's made up of wonderful people and things that we are all searching for. It's going to be hard, life is. Don't share the same weakness that I do. Don't give up. Don't let go.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I've been thinking about what I want to do with my life since I'm nearing the end of my high school career. I've got a crappy job that I DON'T plan on staying at for the rest of my life. I've got a great passion in writing and am still learning many new things each day. I've been through thick and thin with just my writing alone. I know I want to make something out of it but I'm not so sure I'll be able to live off of it unless I'd really hit it big time. I'm 17 years old. I don't know a single 17 year old that is nine months away from adulthood that makes it big as an author... at least that young. I spend my time thinking about other things, thinking about how life is just one big puzzle and not every puzzle piece fits together. You have to find those special pieces that fit correctly or its just another useless piece of cardboard. It doesn't even have a full picture on it. It's always a part of someone's face or hair... Don't you hate it when like one hundred pieces look exactly the same? You have to go through each of them individually and with strategy too. It's just like life. I mean, most times you can just get through something. But if you don't study for that test, or watch out for that curb, you're going to trip and get an F.

I am constantly thinking about the future lately.
"Where will I go to college?"
"How am I going to pay for college?"
"What do I even want to do besides write?"
"Am I going to end up at Culver's forever?"
"Will I ever get a better job that I'll actually enjoy?"
"How will I get through this?"

No.... I make myself worry over things that I shouldn't yet. Even if it is almost time, doesn't mean I should yet. Perhaps thinking about college is the next step in my school career, but am I ready? It's far different than elementary, middle, and high school was, put together.
The future is a scary place and so is reality. I guess that's why I choose to write about things that I wish were true like super heroes, werewolves and other great topics that are nationally used. I surround myself in my own fantasy to keep from letting reality kick my butt.
And sometimes, I'll get a huge dose of reality. It DOES kick me in the butt sometimes, like "oh geez, I'm going to be a junior in high school. I'm going to be leaving home in a few years. In nine months, I'll be a legal adult."

My brain just starts swarming and I start to drowned in my thoughts and fears. The world is scary, the economy is scary. People all the time (including teachers) say we have to know what we want to do with our lives and half the time, no body knows. They say we have to make something of it in order to have a good life and love living each and everyday! I don't know what I want to do. I'm still trying to figure out who I am becoming, and who I want to be in the future.

When I was little, all I wanted to be was a rockstar. I wanted to be heard and known for what I can do. I used to sing. I haven't entered any contests or sung much anyways since about eighth grade. Hard to explain... but I once won a gold medal for singing in a competition. :)

Oh the good old days.

I started thinking about life itself, what it is and what it does. For everyone, life is different. No two people are the same. Maybe the same interests, but no one is exactly the same. They say that worrying about the future is bad for your health, sometimes I agree. But then I start to think about my past and how THAT could effect my future. I know I shouldn't worry of the future or hold on to past pains.

This song made me think an awful lot today. I hope you don't worry too much.. life gives us obstacles.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

We all want so many things in this life time ranging from socks, a new house, a new car, a boyfriend, a girl friend, pants that actually fit, and money. Every one is different, even if some of the wants and things they dream are the same. Like for instance, for my fifteenth birthday, i wanted a Batman cake. What fifteen year old girl actually wants a Batman cake? Heh?
My dream was squashed today like a bug. I wanted to write a book that would include characters from DC Comics; Batman, Joker, Alfred Pennyworth, Lucius Foxx... but I read a list of things they do not dish out permission of use of their characters for and that includes novels. I can't believe after all this time it was for nothing. I wasted five freaking years. All those late nights, inspirational talks with friends, dreams, movie research, comic research... all for nothing. I'm left with nothing but words that will never mean something to the world. What's the purpose of following your dreams if people and companies like DC Comics don't permit usage of their characters to individual writers who want to A). make something more of the characters that DC Comics have name of and B). create something new and exciting.

Honestly, I'm crushed. As my picture shows above, I'm utterly head over heels for Batman. T-shirts, birthday parties, drawings, movies, inspiration, logos, etc... all Batman and still, it's over. I've written more than 200 pages worth of a story and I'll never get to show the world.

In times of need, writing was my outlit and my savior. It helped me get through rough times in my life. It's hard to say that I'm not allowed to publish this book. So much work wasted over a five year span of effort, research, imagination, creativity and inspiration.

I just wish thing could have turned out better. Five years wasted and I could have had a different book finished. Now I have to start all over again, write something new, from scratch. I can see crabbiness in the near future. Hell, I even had actors and actresses picked out for when I'd make the movie. Is that sad? It's also just how I picture my characters looking like anyways.

Jensen Ackles - Mason Miller (Mine)

Christian Bale- Batman/Bruce Wayne (DC)

Michael Caine- Alfred Pennyworth (DC)

Olivia Wilde- Dr. Adrian (Mine)

Kate Beckinsale- Natasha Mckallister (Mine)

Amanda Seyfried-Elizabeth Collins (Mine)

I was so looking forward to this. For those of you that know these characters or have read some or all of the chapters, this is how i pictured them. Some of them were still being decided.

Monday, August 1, 2011

I know it's been a while since I last wrote a blog. It occurred to me that I probably will never be one of those daily bloggers that I so hoped to be or that you see on shows like Sex and the City. That's not what my blog is about today.

Everyone loses a friend. I've lost quite a few in my time of seventeen years. It's really hard because some of the people you lose are exactly what you need but aren't meant to be. So many memories, inspirations, amounts of needed support, and encouragements. Things happen. Life goes on.

I had yet to show or explain that I have another talent other than writing. I like to make movies on Movie Maker... it's fun and I found myself doing this after spending sometime upset for the last day or so.

I guess I was only hoping she'd see this, but part of me is too hurt no matter what happens. So if she does, so be it. This was originally only posted up here for my grandmother because email says it's "too big a file" well whatever.

The story behind it is my friend and I had been having trouble. Through the years though, she's been a part of the inspiration and support that has gotten me so far on my books and through life in general. She meant the world to me as this video that i created this morning will show. I guess we weren't meant to be is all.

There is sound, so turn up your speakers. :')﻿

It's really personal.

I guess that's why it hurts just thinking about it all.

A few days a go, everything was normal as it was, like I said, life happens. But, don't let me ruin the rest of your night. Have a good one.