I am not who and what I am

Have you ever wondered how what you are saying to others could affect them one way or another? Have you ever wished that you could take some words back, and holding the regrets and fear of losing that particular person? Have you ever wondered how things are going to affect you and others around you? Have you ever wished the labels you are carrying should disappear at the snap of your fingers? Have you ever imagined having a magic wand to wave all the labels so that can magically disappear? Have you ever thought that the labels on you would leave a scar on you?

Do we try and shrug off to what people may say or think of us, despite how or what we are saying or doing to them so that we can be sure that we are okay ourselves? Sometimes, all these and more can or do have some form of label mentality on people. Despite that, some may act like that they do not care or sometimes, they do care but try real hard to hide their own thoughts and feelings towards others so that they do not fall too close to them.

Many people around us will tell us that we will be fine, or another classic example that I hear a lot is, “Get over it and move on Kerrin, this will not and shall not last forever. Do what you have to do to make yourself happy” Sometimes, some of these statements may ring true to some of us, or may ring true to the point when you ask yourself, “Why did they say that to me in the first place?” I am usually the one that will then tend to carry this for a time, these labels and certain other feelings. When I have had my bad days, I then tend to think “Then why say it to me in the first place? What made you say it?” and other questions will start running through my head that will then cause me to self-doubt and cause so much confusion and more.

Sometimes, people that do tend to label us will act cool, macho and make others feel small, or just to make themselves feel better. But in reality, they also have a story or legacy to share and to tell. Whatever their reasons for giving us a bad time shouldn’t excuse their behaviours and attitudes towards or to us. They have got their own struggles and battles, yet making others small and weak or vulnerable is soooo…. not cool. Labels, how I see them, should be left on jars or even on books, not on people. Yes, I do understand that it is how we take some things that are said and done to us. Yet, we should not have to seek for attention or validate our feelings towards others, as they should know what they have said and done towards us were wrong. Many people with Aspergers Syndrome will not tend to drama act our feelings or emotions. We tend to try and share our feelings and emotions to others around us. But sometimes, I have learnt that there are so many people in this world acting as if they do not give a damn about anything else, but themselves. I have learnt to try and appreciate the smallest of things that we take for granted no matter what, as this will likely to be taken away from us. I may come across some people that have been in and out of my social circle saying I am seeking out attention and more. Yes, it will be great to have this, but I know that I will not forever get this! I am not always seeking out for revenge or attention. All I am seeking out for and will admit-that I am afraid to do now and again after what I have been through-is that I just want some love, understanding, empathy and normal everyday values that most people tend to seek out for in their life. On what I have been through in my life so far, of my trials and tribulations past and present, many people may think or say that I did deserve this sort of treatment and I am like, No way Jose’, I didn’t deserve this at all. Sometimes what we go through happens for a reason and for the best. Moreover, what happened in our lives does test us in everything and makes us or break us depending on our attitudes, actions and thinking. I do try my darn hardest now when trying times come, not to dwell on them for too long but to at least make sure that I can resolve the issue or problem quick smart, so that I can tackle what needs to be done for the rest of the day that lies ahead of me. It would be easier to manage these labels if we know that Aspergers Syndrome is not curable or can be fixed, neither is Depression or other form of mental illnesses that we may have.

Labels cannot always be kept on us humans however as we have got the power to decide what we want and how we can go about it. Labels inflict pains on us to the point where we just have to be strong and believe in ourselves. I believe that we should at least, be careful about what we say or think, as well based on labels as that it can affect some of us in a way which may take a while for us to get over it.