Today I present to you, my dear reader, a fun CatLady fact. On a random whim six months ago, I went to the optometrist. I hadn’t had my “Disney Eyes” checked since grade school, and was about to sign up for insurance and wondered if I should purchase vision coverage. (Oh Adulthood, you’re so fun!) I assumed I still had perfect vision, but when I was asked to read the letters on the wall with my left eye – my soul was crushed. I am now the proud owner of way more pairs of nerdy glasses than I’d ever be willing to admit. (Most women like shoes. I hate shoes. But give me ALL OF THE NERDY GLASSES!) This is necessary information for today’s online dating horror story. By the way, this post is NC-17.

Aside from the constant reminder that you’re single, I think one of the problems with dating apps is that it seems to indicate that you are using the app, if you are so much as using your phone for anything else. Last Friday, to try to soften the blow of not having a date, I went to the casino with my mom and brother. We are skilled enough gamblers that we ended up being there for a long time before our money ran out. I got home at 2:00AM on Saturday. I set the alarm on my phone to not waste away my weekend, and “BEEP!” New message from 26 year old looking for love:

I sometimes get slack for not giving some guys a fair shot. If you are one of “those” types, I am going to suggest you not read this one. Not only was this guy too young for my comfort level, (He is 26. Yes, I’m an age snob, I get it.) but he also had absolutely ZERO information on his profile. He had a very unflattering photo, and I think his grammar speaks for itself.

Timehop reminded me today that a year ago, before Tinder limited your likes and charged you by age, that I was swiping right for everyone. Because I am both a confident woman, and perhaps insane, I greeted my matches with “I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!” (Hey.. you never know! I kind of wish I had the guts to do this in person!)

The responses (at least for the first day that Timehop has shown me) are pretty funny:

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“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Ha u will need to wait longer”

“I like every profile”

“Be real”

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“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Wow. Hahahaha. I feel like you should get something better than me if you waited so long.”

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“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“And I you. Welcome to destiny!”

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“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“I think you are the first girl to message me there must be something wrong with you.”

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“There you are! I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“How does it feel to find me?”

“There’s a huge weight lifted off my shoulders!”

“What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to Disney World!”

“Or my apartment. It’s been called Disney world before.”

*

“I’ve been waiting my entire life for you!”

“Wow that’s really good luck then!”

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“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Soo you love me?”

“No.”

“Let’s bang.”

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“It’s you! I’ve been waiting my entire life for you!”

“If I had a nickel..”

“Then you’d have a nickel?”

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“I’ve been waiting my entire life for you!”

“hope i don’t disappoint. (914)###-####”

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“There you are! I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Boobs?”

“Oh, you have boobs? Nevermind.”

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“I’ve been waiting my whole life for you!”

“Hahaa hard line to follow.. but yes ma’am, at your servicce. When can I start?”

While I am sorry in advance for what you’re about to read, please know that I wouldn’t put you through this if I didn’t think it was worth it.

“Hey I am Chris you have a great smile I love your hair very pretty eyes cute face I am 29 as of dec 4th I have 2 cats im athletic 6ft 1 I love the outdoors I have my own apartment honesty trust and loyalty are important to me when it comes to friendship or relationship sorry im a little shy because of what happened the last time i was on this site but anyways I hope your having a wonderful day and weekend if I knew where you were I would send you flowers on a silver platter with a special note (Would the special note have punctuation? If so, I might take you up on that.) but for now id love to be your friend and get to know you and provide you with a great guy in your life for a change (Uhh, excuse me.. All of the guys in my life are great. How dare you?!) even if we never become more than just friends I will be the best friend I can be and someone you can turn to for help or if your feeling down well I hope you get this ad I hope to hear from you soon :)”

“Goodness. What happened last time?”

Yes, that is what I got from that hot mess of a message.

“you stopped replying for some reason im excited to get to know you better so whats your number so we can text and I will end you some pics as well ??”

Oh my God, he knows what a question mark is!!

“I’m confused, we’ve never messaged before.”

“thought you did why did you ask what happened before then?”

“You said you were shy because of what happened last time you were on this site. Haven’t you read your form letter in awhile?”

“oh yes I dated this girl on here for 3 months until she was comfortable enough to tell me where she lived once I found out I decided to show up to her house one day without her knowing to surprise her so I go to her house and knock on the door and a guy answered so i said hey can you get your sister for me tell her her boyfriend is here apparently he was dating her and she didn’t tell me she also didn’t tell him about me so he said yeah holdon i heard arguing and after a bit he opened the door and stabbed me and told me to stay away from his gf so ever sence then ive bee skeptical about this site and the girls that use it”

For those that read better with punctuation: He chatted with a girl online for 3 months, and then showed up to her place unannounced. He thought her boyfriend, who answered the door, was her brother, and then was allegedly stabbed. He is now skeptical of online dating.

“Wow. That’s… something. Sorry to hear that.”

I mean, what do you even say to that? I’m sure that he didn’t want to hear that I thought he was the psycho for showing up to her place.

“oh its ok your not a killer are you lol jk”

“You never can tell these days.”

“true now that we are this far what are you looking for we can be friends but meeting you would be important to me?”

“I would not be comfortable with that.”

“ok so whats your number so i can text you?”

“I’m not giving you my number.”

“you mean not yet?”

I can say with confidence that I mean not ever. I’d rather take a boatload of cats.

When it comes to your first in-person meet-up, learn from my mistakes and DO NOT GO TO LUNCH. (Or dinner.) You really don’t know if you will have good chemistry with someone, and eating a meal is a big awkward event if you don’t click, or they’re weird. I don’t know why I continue to make this same mistake over and over, but – I’m a sucker for sushi. So, when Charming Tinder Fellow suggested we meet for a sushi lunch date, I broke my rule.